LIBRARY
UNIVERSITY OF
CAIIPOHNIA
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*"
NEWTON DOGVANE
NEWTON DOGVANE
U StotE of Bnglisb Country SLite
BY
FRANCIS FRANCIS
AUTHOR OF
"A BOOK ON ANGLING;" "BY LAKE AND RIVER;"
; FISH CULTURE;" "SPORTING SKETCHES WITH PEN ANIJ PENCIL;'
"ANGLING REMINISCENCES," ETC., ETC., ETC.
WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY JOHN LEECH
LONDON
SPENCER BLACKETT
Successor to 5. & "to. /Bagwell
MILTON HOUSE, 35 ST. BRIDE STREET, E.G.
CONTENTS
PREPARATORY, AND SHOWING HOW MR. NEWTON DOG-
VANE FIRST IMBIBED A TASTE FOR FIELD SPORTS 7
I. SHOWS HOW NEWTON PROGRESSES IN THE ARTS OF
VENERY, ETC II
II. A DAY ON THE THAMES 14
III. A DAY WITH THE SHORT TAILS 2O
IV. NEWTON FALLS IN WITH AN OLD FRIEND ... 34
V. TREATS ON VARIOUS SUBJECTS ..... 38
VI. A ROW IN THE HOUSE . . . . . . '43
VII. TO CROOKHAM -49
VIII. MUSIC, LIGHTS, AND LADIES 56
IX. A DAY WITH THE LONG TAILS 63
X. STORM, SUNSHINE, AND JACK-FISHING .... 79
XI. NEWTON PERFORMS BEFORE 'THE RAG* . . . IO2
XII. THE NOBLE ART OF SELF-DEFENCE . . . .109
XIII. LIFE AMONGST THE CHIMNEY-POTS . . . . 1 17
XIV. A DUEL WITH A VENGEANCE 12$
XV. DE OMNIBUS REBUS 136
XVI. NEWTON BECOMES A MIGHTY HUNTER . . . .147
XVII. MR. CHILLIWUN AND THE READER ARE INTRODUCED
TO A NICE CLIQUE 157
804
vi CONTENTS
CHAP. PAGE
XVIIL A SOUTHERLY WIND AND A CLOUDY SKY. . . l66
XIX. MRS. SPELTHORNE 185
XX. MR. CHILLIWUN IS BENT ON YACHTING . . .193
XXI. A SPLIT IN THE ESTABLISHMENT . . . . 2OI
XXII. ORNITHORYNCI 2IO
XXIII. AN IMBROGLIO 2l6
XXIV. MR. DOGVANE SEEKETH RETIREMENT. . . .227
XXV. THE SONG OF THE SEA-SICK 238
XXVI. THE RACES 247
XXVII. INCREASED DIGNITY OF THE DOGVANE FAMILY . 260
XXVIII. A COURSE TO BE REPROBATED 271
XXIX. A PLOT ACCOMPLISHED 281
XXX. THE OUTWARD BOUND 288
XXXI. THE BRIDGE OF SIGHS 299
XXXII. 'A WAS AN ARCHER, AND SHOT AT A FROG' . . 307
XXXIII. KARS 321
XXXIV. AN AFFRAY 337
XXXV. FROM WHICH ONE EVENT IN THE CONCLUSION MAY
BE CONFIDENTLY PREDICTED 346
XXXVI. CONCLUSION ....;.... 355
NEWTON DOGVANE
PREPARATORY, AND SHOWING HOW MR. NEWTON DOGVANE FIRST
IMBIBED A TASTE FOR FIELD SPORTS
A LONG preface is like a long grace ; it keeps you from your
meat, while the viands grow cold, the vegetables indigestible,
and the sauces lumpy. Who Mr. Newton Dogvane was, can
be explained in a few words he was the son of his father ;
and the whole City, as well as Mr. Dogvane, junior, knew at
least wliat his father was. Dogvane, the elder, was a suc-
cessful drysalter, who had begun life upon small means ; but
by dint of minding his own business, and looking more after
his own affairs than those of his neighbours, he had managed
to get together a decent amount of worldly goods, and was
generally reported to be a safe man ; a man whose word was
as good as his bond and that is no light meed of praise in
these degenerate times. Mr. Dogvane never speculated out
of his business, and not very largely in it. He had married
early an estimable woman, and that one word describes her
better than a page of eulogy.
Mr. Newton Dogvane, to whose exploits we shall more
particularly direct our attention, had commenced his educa-
tion at a commercial academy in the neighbourhood of High-
gate ; and his early experience in the wild sports of the
North, South, East, and West of London, had been confined
8 NE WTON DOG VANE
to the capturing of tittlebats in the ponds between Highgate
and Hampstead, and the demolishing of confiding wrens and
robins with a horse-pistol tied to a stick. The said weapon,
having been acquired at a vast outlay of pocket-money, was
kept, under vows of inviolable secrecy, by the head-gardener,
who was incited thereto by sundry bribes of sixpences and
shillings, bestowed by the youthful Newton on the function-
ary who held the above post under the Rev. Jabez Whack-
stern, instructor of youth, and keeper of the academy afore-
said.
Oh ! those half -holidays, when Newton and his fidus
Achates, a lad named Bowers, familiarly known as Ted, were
wont to sally forth with the piece of ordnance carefully con-
cealed under their jackets, and a penn'orth of Curtis and
Harvey's double extra fine-grained (they wouldn't have had
it out of any other canister upon any consideration), and
half a pound of No. y's, with an old copybook for loadings !
The way in which they examined the outlets, like merchant-
men about to break through a blockade, to see that * that
Old Sneakum,' the usher, was out of the way, and then the
painfully easy and unconstrained manner in which they
sidled, or rather melted away through the gate ! (or were,
mayhap, met out of bounds by the awful Whackstern him-
self, and sent back to pass the afternoon of promised enjoy-
ment in the dreary and forsaken schoolroom, transcribing a
swinging ' Impo ' ) the one with a stick, rudely fashioned
like a gun-stock, and the other with the horse-pistol (loaded
possibly), stuffed up the backs of their jackets. The shifts
they were put to at tea-time and at prayers to keep the con-
traband articles out of sight, until they could return them
to the gardener ! These were things to be remembered.
But when their precautions proved successful, and they
got out without being seen, then, to watch the gravity of
their proceedings 1 When safe in the fields, how the horse-
pistol and the deputy stock were drawn from their hi.lm;r-
place, and connected, secundum ^/Y< ;/>, with stringl Now
PREPARATORY 9
the process of loading, with a charge large enough for three
pistols, was gone through ; and * a bird in the hand is worth
two in the bush,' perchance was torn from the commercial-
practical copybook, and rammed well home ; and the string
fastened to the trigger Newton being the bearer of the
weapon, and Ted captain of the gun and the game being
a- foot, a robin, wren, or possibly a noble hedge-sparrow was
spied ; how they stole forward, step by step, with the caution
of Red Indians on a scalp-hunt, lest the game should take
wing and baffle the attack, ere they could get within the
prescribed range (two yards and under) ; and when at length
all was ready, and Newton had taken deadly and deliberate
aim at the unconscious warbler for the space of two minutes,
and the word was passed to c pull away,' and the result was
a snick, or a flash in the pan what hammering of the un-
lucky flint ensued, while the bird flew away to another hedge
some twenty yards off, and a new trail had to be struck.
Or, when the victim fell pierced with a No. 7, and, being
only winged, had to be scrambled for amongst the brambles
and thorns, and was finally pouched what songs of triumph
were sung as it was borne away, to be picked in the bed-
room at midnight, where the feathers, &c. (though the fyc. were
on one occasion left in, the game being by mistake cooked
woodcock-fashion) were collected and disposed of, and the
remains some quarter of an ounce of mangled flesh were
scientifically cooked, On penknives, over surreptitious candles
and lucifers, obtained by the ever-ready Ted at the all-
sorts shop. What a delicious feast they held ! To the un-
biassed taste the flavour of tallow and smoke would have
been evident but never mind ; the penny jam-turnovers and
the gingerbeer went a great way ; and they envied not the
Doctor his hot snack and port-negus, nor the wretched
1 Sneakum/ that most miserable of ushers, his 'little
snack ' of dry bread, high-flavoured Dutch, and about half
k a pint of curiously thin ale. Poor fellow ! Yes, indeed,
those were days to be remembered for many a long year to
io NEWTON DOGVANE
come ; and so was that holiday, when on Hampstead Heath
they rode races on the gallant donkey of the north, or, may-
hap, the fiery pony of the heath, exacting their six-penny-
worth of donkey or pony flesh, like youthful Shylocks, to the
last grain, and enacting the White Horse of the Peppers,
or the Wild Huntsman of the Hartz, as set forth in a ter-
rific weekly publication, comprising an exciting woodcut and
sixteen columns of terror for one penny. Who does not
remember that awful print, with its murder-holes pirates
who boiled their victims in oil highwaymen and scoundrels
of every phase, who shone forth therein, amidst all their
deeds of blood and villany, as so many heroes, whom a mean
illiberal system, called Law, had suddenly cut off in the very
midst of their noble and gallant exploits ? Who hasn't waked
at midnight with stiffened hair and perspiring limbs from
horrible dreams resulting from that agreeable publication,
and heavy scrap-pie (misnamed beefsteak), apples, and ginger-
bread combined ? But time has given all this its accustomed
shading and softening long since ; and not only so, but has
even hallowed these recollections, until we say with delight,
1 Ah ! those were the days ! ' Who doubts it ! Those were
the days ! And many an old man, as well as he of middle
age, will echo, ' Those were the days ! '
' Oh happy years ! Once more, who would not be a boy ! '
CHAPTER I.
SHOWS HOW NEWTON PROGRESSES IN THE ARTS OP
VENERY, ETC.
WE will not follow up this portion of the history of New-
ton's boyish days that would be at once tedious and un-
necessary. Suffice it to say, that in due time the pistol
was discovered, and Newton and Ted sent to their friends.
The gardener was dismissed, and the pistol was promoted
to the office of guardian of the Doctor's strong box, while
Newton was promoted to his father's counting-house. But,
true to its bent, the ' twig ' would at times steal forth on
sporting excursions, and the roach and gudgeon of the New
River, and the finches of Clapham, became the objects of
Newton's solicitude. Newton had accumulated, by dint of
saving, a sum sufficient in his own mind to purchase a gun
which he had seen labelled '14 & 6 ' in the New Cut, and
hanging on the outside of a shop kept by a highly-preserved
child of Judah, with the needful accompaniments. For in
that shop the ' cynosure of neighbouring sporting eyes '
were stored choice articles of every description, to aid the
experienced or inexperienced sportsman in his destruction
of the ferce naturae of his native land and elsewhere. Guns
were there, double and single; rifles were there, and tre-
mendous things for boar destroying, and other still more
tremendous things for elephant and rhinoceros smashing,
upon the principles laid down by the accomplished Mr.
Gordon Gumming; and powder-horns were there, pouches
and shot-belts ; likewise fishing-rods, for bottom-fishing, for
fly-fishing, for trolling, and spinning, and long canes like
barbers' poles for the River Lea, and of salmon-rods a store,
creels and landing-nets, too, and gaff-hooks, and leisters,
and eel-spears, otter-spears, with dog-chains, badger-tongs,
rabbit-hutches, cat- traps and rat-traps, stoat, and weasel, and
mole traps, greyhound slips and couples, with leading-strings,
&c., &c., not forgetting the whips, spurs, bits, bats, stumps,
12 NEWTON DOGVANE
balls, boxing-gloves, dumb-bells, foils and masks, fives-bats
and racquets, toxopholite tools, and targets, and so on any-
thing, everything, a complete sportsman's cheap arcana, all
labelled and ticketed at the lowest possible remunerating
price, as per placard, and yet all to be had at a considerable
reduction by an experienced chapman ; for the Israelite,
though he spoileth the unwary Egyptian, will rather spoil
him of the smallest known sum than not at all so pleasant
and alluring is the chink of precious metal to the ear of the
child of Israel.
Mo. Shecabs was the name of the proprietor of all these
treasures, and Mo. Shecabs stood at the door of his dwelling
smoking a cheroot for he was an aristocrat in his way
and waiting to take in any customers that chance might
send him.
Enter NEWTON, bent on securing fourteen and sixpenny worth
of imminent .danger.
NEWTON (loquitur). What's the price of that rusty gun,
Mister ?
Mo. (indignans). Rusfa/ / s'help me ! Vat d'ye mean ? that
'ere Joe Man ton ! There ain't a spec on it. I vas offered
a pound for that, last veek.
NEWTON. Why didn't you sell it ?
Mo. (never disconcerted). 'Cos I vas a fool. Fourteen and
sixh the prish ish. Firsht-rate killer. Mishtare Caps shot
his shelebrated match at a 'undred pigeons with that gun.
NEWTON. Did he kill 'em all ?
Mo. Kill 'em all ! In course he did.
NEWTON. Did he, though ! Then what did lie ever part
with it for ?
Mo. Vot does any one ever part with anythink for ? they
doesn't give 'em away, I suppose.
NEWTON. I s'pose not. You don't, anyhow, asking four-
teen and six for that thing. I'll give you ten.
Mo. S'help me, young man, you'd better co home and
study rithmetic, with the prish of old iron, house rents, good
vills, and fixters. Wots to become o' my family ? I can't
sacrifice things.
NEWTON (turning away). Oh 1 very well.
Mo. (anxiously). Here, shtop a bit now. I tell you vat
I'll do ; I'll knock off shixpence.
PROGRESS IN THE ARTS OF VENERY, ETC. 13
NEWTON (sarcastically). You don't mean it ! What '11
become of your family if you go on sacrificing things in
this way ? No, no there's Zeb Levy's got a better one for
twelve. (Going.)
Mo. (detaining him). But vat d'ye vant? Vat d'ye vant?
You vouldn't ave me rob myself 1 Take this powder-horn
and this shot -belt now for a pound. That'll do now take
J em away afore I alters my mind.
NEWTON. Fifteen for the lot.
Much chaffering and loud vociferation on the part of Mo.
ensued, who vowed that he was giving things away every
day ruining himself and beggaring his family by his phil-
anthropy and liberality by dint of which Mo. screws New-
ton up to offer another shilling.
Mo. Say seventeen and take 'em away.
NEWTON. Sixteen shillings.
Mo. Oh ! I can't do it. It's no use. (He enters the shop,
smoking violently, and Newton ivalks slowly to Zeb Levy's ; as
lie stops, however, and is on the point of being collared and
dragged into a deal by that gentleman, he is touched by a
sheriff-officer-like tap on the shoulder.)
Mo. There, now ; you'd petter come and fetch them things
away, cos my boy ain't at home, and I can't send 'em.
Accordingly, Newton went back, after a little interchange
of compliments had taken place between the rival dealers.
The money was paid, and the articles borne away in triumph,
Mo. a little disgusted at not having made more than 60 per
cent, by the deal.
There was a wail of cats in the back-garden of Newton's
father's house at Brixton that evening. Newton's papa and
mamma having gone out to play a rubber at a friend's house,
Newton could not rest till he had tried his treasure ; in conse-
quence of which there was a great picking out of leaden pellets
with darning needles in Brixton the next morning, and
several old ladies threatened proceedings against Mr. Dog-
vane, sen., for damage done to their favourite tabbies albeit
Newton was, of course, truly unconscious as to who the
party could have been who was behind the offending gun,
said to have been let off in Mr. Dogvane's back-garden on
the evening in question. Great execution did Newton, dur-
ing the ensuing winter, amongst the blackbirds and finches
of Norwood and that district ; and once, happening upon a
H NEWTON DOG VANE
duck, which was reposing in a small pond near the Battersea
fields, he poached and pouched it, and got clear away from
the farmer, after a stiff run, bringing home his quarry,
which he proclaimed to be wild because it had a curly feather
in the tail, that being the distinction so some one had once
told him between wild and tame ; although it turned out
not only tame but tough a venerable mallard, who had seen
six broods of his own begetting swim safely on the surface
of the very pond where he at length met an untimely end.
CHAPTER II.
A DAY ON THE THAMES
MR. DOGVANE, SEN., was addicted to Thames angling from a
punt. Folks who have walked pleasantly chatting after a
Star and Garter dinner, on a warm summer evening, through
the meadows by the river-side, may have seen a moderately
plethoric gentleman seated in an arm-chair in a punt. In
mid-stream the punt is moored. It bristles with rods, all
of which are evidently fishing for themselves, for the stout
gentleman is fast asleep, with a handkerchief over his head
the picture of comfort and contentment. An empty pie-
dish is near, on which reclines the head of an attendant
fisherman, equally somnolent with the party in the chair;
porter bottles are grouped skilfully around, and symp-
toms of tobacco, in the shape of various pipes, may be
observed about the punt. All is peace and tranquillity.
Suddenly a blue- bottle of inquiring mind perches on the
ruby nose of the sleeping beauty in the chair. The blue-
bottle proceeds upon a voyage of discovery up the nose
to the eyebrows nothing worthy of remark in tli.it <linr-
tion. Back again Hillo ! Two spacious caverns 1 Now,
as a member of the Blue-bottle Archa-olo^ical Society, here
is a phenomenon to be inquired into. So first he cautiously
pokes his head round the comer, then carefully ;i<lvances
liis forelegs towards the mouth of one of the caves, when
A DAY ON THE THAMES 15
a-tishew ! the rash archaeologist finds himself blown a yard
into the air, amidst a perfect cloud of spray. In other
words, the sleeper sneezes and wakes. That is Mr. Dogvane,
or his pattern ; he wakes up, and seizes one of the rods ;
kicks the recumbent figure, who struggles into a sitting
posture ; and they forthwith make desperate efforts to catch
fish sometimes they do, but more often they don't. All
this may be seen on any fine summer evening at Richmond,
Twickenham, and on to Windsor, or even beyond. And
this was the sort of thing Mr. Dogvane was much addicted
to. It was his idea of sport.
* Newton, my lad, 3 said the worthy gentleman one day,
'I'm going down to Richmond with Tomkins to-morrow
to fish. If you can get up in time, you may go with us ; so
be ready by six o'clock, my boy.'
And wasn't Newton up at six ? or rather wasn't he awake
at three, or half-past ? And didn't he roll, and tumble, and
toss to and fro in his narrow bed ? Didn't he get up to peep
out into the morning, to see what sort of a day it was likely
to be 1 And when, an hour or two later, it looked cloudy
and warm, Newton prophesied good sport, and tried to sleep
again.
Five o'clock. Newton couldn't lie in bed any longer, so
he dressed himself in haste, in order to be quite ready in
time; and being, of course, three-quarters of an hour too
soon, he fidgeted and fussed about, alternately looking out
of window and looking up his tackle. Six o'clock came, at
last, after many hours of (to him) tardy delay. A hasty
breakfast was swallowed by Newton, and a more deliberate
and substantial one on the part of the governor; and they
were, in good time, on their way to the station to catch the
first train.
' Now, then, New, have you got the gentles 1 ' asked his
sire.
1 All right, father,' said Newton, displaying a large bag
of lively and loathsome carrions.
It might be all right to the Dogvanes ; but it was all
wrong to the rest of the passengers, who were not sufficiently
ardent admirers of fishing to be greatly in love with the
scent of carrion gentles. Accordingly, when they had all
taken their places, remarks as to smells, &c., began to be
made.
16 NEWTON DOGVANE
' Very extraordinary smell,' said a whey-faced gentleman
who sat opposite to Mr. Dogvane. ' Don't you perceive it,
sir?'
* I think I do,' answered Mr. Dogvane ; ' Lambeth bone-
and-gas works, I suppose.' They were passing Lambeth.
* Very bad, indeed ! Wonder the Sanitary Commissioners
don't interfere. Worst place in London.'
* / smelt it before we came to Lambeth,' quoth a mild
little man, who sat in one of the corners, and was muffled in
a cloak.
* Did you ? Ah ! Wind sets down the line, I suppose.
Wonderful nuisance ! ' said Mr. Dogvane.
' A-h'urra ! ' coughed the whey-faced gentleman from
behind a pocket-handkerchief. But they passed Lambeth,
and even Vauxhall, and still the smell continued. In fact,
it grew worse; the gentles, impatient of confinement, in
spite of all Newton's precautions, began oozing through the
bag and crawling on the floor.
* Ahem ! ' said the little man in the cloak, fixing Mr.
Dogvane with his eye. ' Wind can't set two ways at once.'
1 1 apprehend not, sir I apprehend not,' said Mr. Dog-
vane pugnaciously.
'I've seen it do so in marine paintings, though,' answered
the little man. * I've seen ships sailing one way, and
flags blowing another, often. I remember, in the prize
cartoon '
' Dear me ! ' said one of the passengers, just as the train
was leaving Putney, * what is that ? and that ? and that ?
They look like maggots.'
* Can't be,' said Mr. Dogvane. * Why, I do declare, they
do look like gentles.' As if, under the circumstances, a
gentle was the most unlikely thing in the world. But it
wouldn't do. The eyes of the little man and the whey-faced
gentleman were upon him and upon the fishing-tackle.
' Gentles, and no mistake for ground- bait, I presume.
The wind blows half a dozen ways, I think,' said the little
man, with a quiet smile. But the whey-faced gent It 'in an \\ as
extremely wroth, and, bristling up, said, 'You don't mean
to say, sir, that you have presumed to bring a sack of live
maggots into the train amongst a a Christians ? ( luanl,
stop the train ! Here's a sack of maggots crawling all over
us ! Stop the train instantly, I insist I ' They were going
A DAY ON THE THAMES 17
about thirty miles an hour, and the whey-faced man, seeing
that his remonstrances were unheeded, and receiving a hot
cinder in his eye from the engine, drew in his head rapidly,
and, bursting with indignation, whisked his legs and feet
up on to the seat, out of the way of the gentles, and sat
doubled up like a live capital N". Then ensued defiances and
snortings, with talkings at each other, and ' Can't think how
people can presume to,' and * Can't think how other people
calling themselves,' &c. &c. But it ended in smoke ; and as
the whey-faced individual got out at Mortlake, Mr. Dogvane
wished him good morning with sarcastic politeness; and
before he had done explaining his grievance to the station-
master, the train was at Richmond.
Mr. Tomkins had gone to Richmond overnight, to have all
in readiness. Accordingly, they were rowed up to a punt
which was pitched opposite the Duke of Buccleuch's lawn.
And Newton found himself, for the first time, bent on
endeavouring to inveigle from the bosom of Old Father
Thames his scaly favourites.
The morning was fresh and cool, for the sun had hardly
gained its power. The grass was emerald green ; trees waved
and rustled ; birds sung ; the scenery to a smoke-dried
Londoner, or indeed to any one else, was beautiful. The
fisherman predicted, as Thames fishermen always do, a fabu-
lous take of fish.
First, the depth was plumbed, and the floats fixed at the
requisite elevation. Then the mysterious process called
ground-baiting was gone through as follows.. The carrions
were cast into a filthy tub, and mixed together with bran.
Then portions of the mixture were kneaded up with lumps
of clay, the size of oranges, and these dumplings were cast
into the water for the delectation of the fishes. Then two
gentles were stuck upon each hook, and, all being ready, the
sport commenced.
Anxiety and gravity sa^b upon the countenances of Messrs.
Dogvane and Tomkins, such as befitted so weighty and all-
engrossing an occupation. The tackle was dropped into the
water, and allowed to swim unrestrained down the stream,
as far as the rod and line would allow. Then there was a
short, sharp strike, and it was brought back to the side of
the punt ; and the same thing was done over and over again,
on the part of the performers, with unwearied patience and
i8 NEWTON DOGVANE
little variation, many thousand times in the course of the
day.
It did not look very difficult to Newton. But, * Ah ! sir,'
as old punt-fishers will say, ' it isn't a thing to be learnt in
a day.' But what will not genius and the force of imitation
effect ? Ere long, Newton was hammering away at it as
energetically as his seniors.
* Bite ? ' asked Mr. Dogvane of his friend.
Tomkins pursed his lips, and shook his head slowly and
suspiciously, looking through the water at the end of the
swim, as if he could distinguish the culprit who had so
narrowly escaped, and as if he warned him that he'd better
not, as he said, 'come it too often.'
Presently Newton struck, and pulled up a diminutive
roach of some two-ounce weight.
1 Here's the stockdolloger,' said the fisherman.
' Bravo, New ! ' said his father. ' First fish,' he con-
tinued, looking at Mr. Tomkins, who nodded approvingly, as
if to say, He'll do.'
Shortly after, Newton pulled up another, a little larger,
and then another, a little larger still ; and yet neither Mr.
Dogvane's nor Mr. Tomkins' superior skill could compass the
capture of a fish.
* Hem ! ha ! ' coughed Tomkins. ' Ground-bait here ! '
and two or three balls of ' the mixture as before ' were
thrown in on Mr. T.'s side, without producing any material
alteration in the sport.
'It's singular,' remarked Mr. Tomkins, 'how the fish
will at times run all one way. 1 There was a dab at Newton's
float. Newton struck, and had hold of something heavy.
Great excitement all through the punt with numerous direc-
tions to ' Ease him ' and ' Check him ; ' to ' Take care of
that punt-pole ; ' to ' Let him run,' and ' Now pull him in '
till Newton, panting with excitement, led into the landing-
net a monster barbel of three-quarters of a pound weight, or
thereabouts.
' Hem ! ' coughed his father. ' Ground-bait here ! ' But
ground-bait here or ground-bait there made no difference.
Newton beat them both hollow. The elders fumed and broke
their tackle in very vexation when they did strike a good
fish ; and the fisherman grinned behind a quart pot for the
day grew warm, and beer became desirable. The fish went
A DAY ON THE THAMES 19
off, as it is called, and not only went off, but didn't come on
again. There was t a weather, or a wind, or a water, some-
where or other,' according to the fisherman, which prevented
their biting ; although hundred-weights had been caught in
that very pitch last week, and tons would be caught next.
After this, there was a good deal of eating, drinking, and
smoking; at length Mr. Tomkins and Mr. Dogvane fell
asleep, and Newton, having been awake since three o'clock,
fell asleep too. Finally, the fisherman, having eaten every-
thing there was to be eaten, drank all the beer there was to
be drunk, and smoked all the available tobacco, fell asleep
also and the sparrows came and ate up the carrion-gentles
and other baits provided for the fishes. And Newton was
not very much taken with this specimen of Thames fishing,
though, in after years, when he became an adept in spinning,
trolling, paternostering, ledgering, fly-fishing, &c., he enjoyed
many a pleasant day upon its crystal wave.
20 NEWTON DOG VANE
CHAPTER III.
A DAY WITH THE SHORT TAILS
' I SAY, Dogvane, come down and have a day's shooting
along with me at Groundslow on Thursday. I've got a day's
ferreting there, and we'll make up a party. There's Waggle-
tail, the clockmaker in George Street, has promised to go ; and
I'll drive you down in my pony-cart. It isn't above fourteen
miles ; and we'll have a leg of mutton at the Bold Dragoon
afterwards ; and there'll be one or two in to dinner, and I
think we may make out a jolly day of it. Old Bung and
mind you, he's a rum fellow is Bung will make one. So
now what d'ye say ? '
Mr. Tomkins had just popped into Mr. Dogvane's office to
utter the above invitation. Mr. Dogvane was busily occupied
adding 976 sides of bacon to 1134 sides of bacon, * and
eleven's 21, twenty-one hundred and ten. Quite correct.
Thank ye ; you see, I'm no shooter, Tomkins ; never let off
a piece in my life, excepting once, I give you my honour,
and that was when I was a boy, sir. I did let off a fowling-
piece then, and under very peculiar circumstances. I re-
member well ; it was a flint-and-steel, and it snicked a great
many times, and I hammered the flint, sir, with a penny
piece, sir, and still it would not discharge itself; until, at
length, thinking more effectively to accomplish my object, I
ah, hammered it with the back of my knife. Somehow, it
struck a light, and, at the most unexpected interval, ahem !
off went the piece, and as if ah what they call " endued
with vitality," she sprung out of my hands, and vomited
forth her contents at the same moment. The contents, sir,
of the piece struck the earth at some distance off, and
rebounded into a blacksmith's shop, several of the shots per-
forating the behinder portion of the blacksmith's waistcoat
and small clothes, as he was at work, sir. There was a row
upon the part of that blacksmith ; and, thinking I had com-
mitted manslaughter, I left the piece where she lay, and,
taking to my heels, ran away. I had, sir, to pay the owner
A DAY WITH THE SHORT TAILS 21
of that piece nineteen shillings and threppence ha'penny for
the loss of it ; and it took all the pocket-money I had hoarded
up for some time to do so, as I never had the courage to go and
ask the blacksmith for it ; for, on making inquiries secretly,
I heard that his wife was daily employed in extracting the
shots with a needle, and that she had already picked out
nearly a thimbleful. I need not tell you that I did not
become a shooter after that.'
* But I thought I'd seen a gun at your house ? '
' Yes, yes my son's 'my son's. I believe he is a keen
hand a very keen hand goes out all round Battersea, and
everywhere, almost. Brought home a duck the other day
wild. Ha, ha ! ' and he poked Tomkins in the ribs.
1 No ! ' said Tomkins, appreciating some joke, with a chuckle.
<Yes.'
'No. 1
1 Yes.' (Another dig in the ribs.) ' Wild ! ha, ha, ha ! '
1 Ho, ho, ho.'
' Such a tough old feller ! caught him on a pond, sir, shot
him, grabbed him, and was marching off in triumph, when
out came the farmer, and away bolted our New.'
1 And got clear off, duck and all ?
' Got clear off, duck and all.'
' Well, that's good, and we'll have him on Thursday, any-
how ; and you'll come ? '
' No, no ; take him, if you like ; I'm not fond of guns or
gunning.'
' Very well, then, so be it. By the way, then, he'd better
take a shake- down at my house the night before, as we shall
start pretty early, and Brixton's a deal out of the way.'
' Yery good ; please yourself, and no doubt my^ boy will
be satisfied. Only, I say, old fellow,' and Mr. Dogvane
shook his head seriously, 'no nonsense, you know, after
dinner. No sticking it into the young un ! If you don't
bring him home all square and right, mind, you'll have to
fight the battle out with the missus. Not that you'd find it
very easy, either, for he's a good lad, and not easily per-
suaded to take more than is good for him. He's like me,
likes it little and good.'
' No, no you may rely upon me.'
' Yery well, then it's settled,' and, nodding shortly, he was
once more immersed in hams and other dried goods.
22 NEWTON DOG VANE
1 Mr. Spoodle.'
1 Sir,' said a clerk of solemn aspect and starched appear-
ance, approaching from the office. ' Sir.'
1 Has Mr. Newton been here to-day ? '
'Mr. Newton, sir, has just stepped down to Porpus and
Gallon's, about those tongues, sir.'
' Oh, ah ! so he has very good good lad,' he murmured to
himself, ' looks to business ; let me know when he comes in.'
' Yes, sir,' and the clerk disappeared.
' Looks to business, though he'll have no need to follow it as
I have. No need whatever, I hope. Yet there's no harm in
his getting a little touch of business habits, and a sufficient
knowledge of things, not to make a fool of himself in money
matters. Yes. Heigho ! I get almost tired of this, and
long for a change, ever since that day, last year, with
Judkins.'
Mr. Judkins was a retired friend of Mr. Dogvane's, with
whom he formerly dealt largely, and Mr. Judkins had got a
very nice little place on the Thames, with an acre or two
of land, a pig, and a cow. Mr. Dogvane had, on invitation,
gone down one Saturday morning, and come back on the
ensuing Monday evening, and what with the looking at the
cow, and the pig, and the spangled Polands ; and what with
the new milk, and the syllabub, and the new-laid eggs, which
Mr. Dogvane assisted in robbing the mothers of ; and what
with a capital day's fishing, during which Messrs. Judkins
and Dogvane captured numerous barbel and bream Mr.
Dogvane taking a barbel, weight seven pounds and nine
ounces, which procured him the largest barbel prize (a
bronze double extra-check superfine-finished winch) at his
club, and over which day's fishing there was no trouble at all,
the rods being lifted at once off sundry pegs in the hall,
where they were kept always prepared and in order, and
conveyed down the garden to the punt, which was lying
properly provisioned, &c. &c., at the steps; and what with
the nice little bit of salmon from a friend of Judkins's still
in business, and which was dropped by the down bus, that
passed the door every evening; and what with a remarkably
nice fore-quarter of lamb, and some very tender ducklings,
with freshly-picked peas and beans culled by Judkins and
Dogvane themselves ; and what with some remarkably fine,
dry old port, and after that some uncommonly fine dry
A DAY WITH THE SHORT TAILS 23
old cigars, and the least drop in the world of cold pale-
brandy and water, out under the verandah, with the moon
twinkling on the rippling river, on the warm summer's night,
and the sweet -smelling creepers over the verandah, with the
flitting moth and bat; in fact, what with good sport, the
best of eating, drinking, and sleeping, pure country air, and
an appetite, such as he seldom found in town, and the society
of an old chum, Mr. Dogvane managed to enjoy himself so
much, that he very often found himself thinking over it,
and longing for another turn, and fancying that he really
had a great predilection for the country, and how nice it
would be to have such a place of his own to ask Mr. So-and-so
down to.
He little thought how many long afternoons poor old
Judkins had practised patience (but nothing else) in a punt,
in that very swim, in which, by the greatest fluke in the
world, Mr. Dogvane happened, on this particular day, to get
some good sport.
He little knew the domestic and private history of that
cow, that garden, those spangled Polands ; or the worries
and vexations poor old Judkins had had to endure with them.
Well, well, perhaps it was as well he did not, or much of
this history would have remained unwritten.
Having indulged his short fit of musing, which, by the
way, never lasted long enough with Mr. Dogvane to interfere
with business, he fell to work again, and calculated the profit
to be derived from so many hundreds of neats' tongues ; and
he was slowly rubbing his hands with satisfaction, when his
son entered.
A well-made, smart-looking youngster, was our friend
Newton. He was, perhaps, a trifle leggy youths of seven-
teen often are but his figure promised well, when it should
become more filled out and set. He had curly light-brown
hair, high temples, and a bright, frank blue eye, which
looked you in the face without blinking. He entered and
deposited a cheque upon his father's desk.
'Porpus and Gallon. One six five nineteen,' he said,
as he delivered it.
* Right,' said his father, refering to his ledger ; ' and,
now, I think I'll just run round to the Slate, and have my
chop. By the way, New, Tomkins has been here, and asked
you to go shooting rabbits with him, at Grouiidslow, on
24 NEWTON DOG VANE
Thursday, and I've accepted the invite for you, and you're to
sleep at his house overnight, so as to be ready to start in the
morning. So polish up your musket, my boy, and go and
have a day's pleasure. Though what pleasure it can be to
go letting off a gun, which jumps out of your hands, and
shoots blacksmiths, whether you will or no, I can't see. But
never mind. Take care you don't shoot any blacksmith;
and, I say, New, if you should fall in with any wild ducks,
take care that they ain't tough old mallards, and that the
farmer don't see you. Kek ! kek ! kek ! ' chuckled the old
gentleman. This was always a standing joke of his against
Newton.
Newton coloured a trifle, but laughed off the joke. He
appeared, however, much pleased with the prospect afforded
of a day's rabbiting ; and a rabbit, in his eyes, forthwith be-
came an object of sport and desire, scarcely second to a stag
of ten points.
4 And now, I'll be off,' and taking his hat, gloves, and
umbrella, he continued, while investing himself with these
necessaries : * And if Charkins' clerk calls, say, we can't do
it. It's not our way of doing business. Don't like Charkins
speculates too much ; besides, he's got some paper about,
and has been flying kites, this while since. And I'll just
look into Leadenhall Market too, and see if I can pick up a
good cheap turkey for Sunday, while I am about it. None
of your wild ducks, you know,' and, with a further wink at
his son, he departed.
No sooner was his father out of sight than Newton, seizing
the poker from amongst the fire-irons, put it to his shoulder
like a gun, and said 'bang' sundry times, which was supposed
to be indicative of killing rabbits ; and having disposed of
an imaginary bunny in three corners of the room, was just
dealing a shadowy death, with a loud * bang,' upon one
in the fourth, when Mr. Spoodle entered, and stood trans-
fixed with amazement on seeing the occupation of his young
master.
Relinquishing the deadly weapon somewhat RluTpi^lily, and
without pretending to offer any explanation, Newton slipped
into his father's chair, and proceeded to transact the little
matter of business which Mr. Spoodle had come in upon, as
aptly and clearly as the governor himself could have done.
Wednesday evening found Newton at the hospitable qr.ur-
A DAY WITH THE SHORT TAILS 25
ters of Mr. Tomkins, at Bayswater ; and after a latish dinner,
Mr. Waggletail looked in 'for a cigar and a game of cribbage.
Waggletail was a sort of evidence of perpetual motion ; he
was never still for three seconds together. When he walked,
he walked straight ahead, with quick, short, fussy steps, which
seemed to say : * Get out of my way ; I'm walking right
through the world for a wager.' His brows were always
slightly knit, and his look downcast, as if he were pondering
over the affairs of the state, instead of, like the jolly young
waterman, ' thinking of nothing at all.'
He talked quickly, interminably, and importantly; and
when he thought he had said anything to the point, he gave
a short cough, * ahem. ' You had but to wind him up, like
one of his own clocks, by some remark, no matter what (he
had always something to say on every subject, whether he
knew anything of it or not), and then set that tonguey pen-
dulum of his going, and no mill-wheel that ever clacked
could keep pace with him. He was, this evening, very great
upon shooting, though he knew nothing whatever about it.
He had bought a cheap Brummagen-double at a sale, a few
weeks before, and was mighty acute in demonstrating all its
advantages and beauties, and he looked with an eye of slight
disdain on Newton's poker.
What a filling of shot-pouches and powder-flasks there
was ! and what a selection of caps and waddings ! what anti-
cipations of great deeds and great results on the morrow !
How Mr. Tomkins related of that day, when they killed
thirty-three couples of rabbits, and so forth ; and a vision
of thirty-three couples of rabbits walked in grim and end-
less array through Newton's slumbers. How he chevied a
visionary rabbit, which always slipped from before his gun
at the moment of firing ; and how he felt utterly constrained
to destroy it, and chased it, as it shifted, until the perspira-
tion ran down his face, till he tumbled over a precipice into
space ; and how the rabbit resolved itself into the substantial
Welsh one he had eaten for supper, and which reigned
' lord upon his bosom's throne,' or whatever that quotation
is, matters very little ; only, as it happened, we mention it.
Towards morning he fell into an uneasy doze, and was
gradually dropping off into sound sleep, when a tremendous
row at the door brought him yawning out of bed.
'Now, then, six o'clock lively does it. Coffee down-
26 NE WTON DOG VANE
stairs in ten minutes; so sharp's the word,' and Mr.
Tomkins went rumbling down to the lower regions.
Out of bed bounced Newton, as soon as he was sufficiently
awake to apprehend the precise state of things. It was
dark, but Tomkins had left a candle at his door, so he took
it in, and proceeded to perform Chinese puzzles and charades
with his clothes getting his legs into the wrong forks of
his trousers, and then discovering that they were hindside
before, and then reversing them, &c., &c., until, garmented
at last, he struggled through his difficulties, and got down.
There he found Tomkins busily employed in the mysteries
of coffee, and day just breaking.
* Excuse the slavey not being about, young fellow, and
make yourself useful.'
'Thank ye,' said Newton, 'I will.'
So they boiled eggs and toasted bacon, which was all put
ready for them overnight, and then there was a tap at the
window-pane, and Tomkins let in Waggletail, who was come
to breakfast, and who entered in a great hurry, with his hat
on, of course (he never had time to take that off).
' Well eh ! all right eh ! capital morning ? '
* Rained preciously last night, though,' said Tomkins
dubiously.
' Rained from twenty-five minutes past one to seventeen
minutes after three ? But it's a first-rate morning for us now.'
' I don't know,' said Tomkins ; ' rabbits won't bolt well
after rain. '
' No, no, they won't bolt well after rain.' (It was his first
essay at rabbit-shooting, but never mind he knew all about
it.) * No, they won't, that's quite true well! yes! coffee?
yes ! an egg ? yes ! only way I don't like eggs is in a
sav'ry omlette. I'll tell you about that sav'ry omlette.
Went down with some fellows once, sir, near Richmond,
fishing, or shooting, or something ; well, sir, we went to a
house, sir, and they brought us in a dish, didn't know what
it was looked like a pudding. Well, Wiggins says, " Have
a bit of pudding, Wag ? " So I had some, and Figgins had
some ; so I saw Wiggins take a mouthful, and turn, sir, blue,
sir, and then as pale as that ceiling, sir ; I smelt something
a little queer ; so whilst the gal that waited was in the room,
I wouldn't tackle it; but ha! ha! poor Wig! it pretty
near did for him. So I waits till the gal went out, and then
A DAY WITH THE SHORT TAILS 27
says I to Wig, " What is it ? " "I don't know," says Wig,
guggling in his throat. And what between not being decided
about swallowing it, and not being able to make up his mind
about spitting it out again, it pretty nigh choked him. Well,
sir, I give you my word that the prevailing and only flavour
was that of sulphur and asafcetida. "What's these little
green things," says Fig; "pah ! how nasty it smells ! " So
he shoves his plate away, and I pushed mine away, and Wig
got up and looked out of window. So what's to be done ?
we couldn't eat it; I wouldn't have ate it, sir, for five
hundred pound. However, the people were friends of Wig's,
and he thought they'd be so offended if the plates all went
away untouched, so he was for pocketing it ! but, by Jove !
who was going to have that smell, sir, in his pocket ?
Nobody. The only thing to be done, was to chuck it on the
fire, and we did chuck it on the fire, and of all the crack-
crack ! pop-popping ! it made, you'd have thought it was the
5th of November. The more we covered it over with coals
and poked it down, the more it popped. And in the middle
of it all, in came the confounded gal again, and Fig and I
got in front of the fire, pretending to be drying our trousers,
or socks, or something ; and then we sang, and whistled, and
poked the fire tremendous, and knocked down the irons, to
drown the row of the pop-popping never was such a game ;
and then we asked for the recipe, because we liked it so
much, ha ! ha ! And when I told my wife of it, she says it
was a sav'ry omlette. "Then," says I, "my dear, if you
don't want to drive me right out of the house, you won't ever
give me a sav'ry omlette for dinner." '
Thus he clacked on, laughing, eating, bobbing up and
down, but never easy or quiet for a minute.
The rumble of wheels was now heard, and, looking out in
the grey of the morning, they saw the cart waiting for them
at the door, and now, breakfast being over, and a slight
thimbleful of some amber-coloured cordial having been ad-
ministered, they deposited the guns, &c., and finally, them-
selves in the chaise-cart Newton snug in the bottom, and
off they started, behind ' as good a pony as ever stepped/ as
Mr. Tomkins described him, and no doubt the pony was
a good one, for when they got clear of London a little,
Tomkins betted Waggle a bottle of wine that he'd trot the
next seven miles in thirty-two minutes ; and he did it, too,
28 NEWTON DOG VANE
with seven or eight seconds to spare. The fact is, the little
brute was not a trotter, but a runner, and went scuffling
along over the level road at a prodigious pace. As they
left London, the houses cut clear and crisp through the
morning light. The raindrops now and then plashed from
the roofs, but the road was tolerably dry. Market-carts
came rolling up, packed with cabbages to an extent that it
was a marvel how they got to market at all. A sleepy, lazy
milkmaid was just moving along, as if she were as yet
scarce awake to her employment. Presently they spun past
houses, where a waggon or market-cart paused for a time,
whilst its driver partook of early purl within. The pace was,
however, not noticed by Newton, because he was sitting at full
length in the bottom of the cart, with his back reclining
against the tail-board, and a very comfortable warm berth
he found it, with lots of nice fresh straw to burrow under.
In due time they reached Groundslow, where they pulled
up at the Bold Dragoon, and the proprietor thereof, an old
friend of Tomkins, came out and greeted them heartily, and
then 'Old Bung,' as he was called, came out and greeted them
too ; a weather-beaten, wide-awake, stringy-looking yeoman
was old Bung, possessed of a reckless, devil-may-care humour,
mingled, oddly enough, with a dry, caustic shrewdness.
'How do, Mr. Tawmkins? How do, sir? Yi ha'rnt got
rid o' them beauty spots o' your'n yet.' (Referring to two
or three rather prominent pimples Tomkins was troubled
with, and which usually showed somewhat plainly on a cold
morning, like plums in a pudding.) ' Blood bean't into sar-
cilation yet. You'll be better arter you've had a bottle or
so of gin, and a gallon or two of yale,' and seeing Tomkins
about to sit down, he popped a piece of furze he held in his
hand into the chair, for him to sit down upon, and then
laughed immensely at Tomkins' disgust. He was as full of
mischief and practical jokes, as if he had been at least forty
years younger than he was.
Then Sam, the man with the ferrets, came in, and his
assistant, with the mattock and spade, came in, and they
1 didn't mind having a drop of somethin',' and finally the pro-
cession marched forth Mr. Tomkins and Wa^h-tail, mag-
nificent in the double-barrels, and Newton with his single,
and the host of the Bold Dragoon, and old Bung with a spud,
and Sam and his assistant, with a mongrel cur or two good
A DAY WITH THE SHORT TAILS 29
at rabbits bringing up the rear. Presently they strike off
the read, and arrive at the warren, a tolerably extensive one,
all gravel-pits and mounds, with furze and heath pretty
thickly dispersed. First they walk over the warren to fall
in with any outlying bunnies. Newton was now in a par-
lous state between ignorance and excitement. What he" was
to see, and what he was to do when he did see it, he knew
not ; but presently there was a * Yap ' from one of the dogs,
and a rabbit ran almost between his legs across a bit of open,
through a bush and a hole some twenty yards off.
'There he is there he is,' said Newton, thinking he had
done something rather clever in seeing the rabbit at all.
' Why didn't you shoot him ? ' asked Tomkins severely.
' Well he he was running away so fast.'
'Quite right, sir. You always wait till they sits still,'
said old Bung.
' Of course I shall,' quoth Newton.
Presently there was another yap. ' Bang ' went Mr.
Tomkins' gun, and a bunny came to grief.
Next Mr. Waggletail had a chance, and he very nearly
shot one of the dogs, but declared he hit the rabbit, never-
theless, and old Bung verified it by saying, ' that he never
see a rabbit so frightened in all his life, and he shouldn't
think there was a whole bone left in his body ! ' at which
Mr. Waggletail smiled approvingly to himself, shook his
head, loaded his gun, and prepared anew for action. And
at length, having walked all over the warren, and done
another rabbit to death by the assistance of every gun and
every dog they commenced serious operations. A mound
was sought for, a fresh-used hole picked out, and a lined
ferret put in. (Intense excitement.)
* He's on 'em,' quoth Sam.
' He is,' said Tom, the assistant.
Rumble, rumble, rumble I
Lookout.'
' Woan't bolt, Tawmas.'
' Doan't think as a wull, Sam,' and down went the mattock
and spade, and to work they fell, digging, and they dug, and
they dug, and they dug, and they worked and sweated, and
threw up clod after clod, and presently Sam's head and
shoulders were down into the hole.
' A con just touch 'un ; but can't get nar a grip ; ' and as
30 NEWTON DOG VANE
Sam made another effort to thrust his arm a few inches
further into the hole, part of the bank gave way, and down
he slipped, head foremost, into the deep trench they had
dug, with his heels in the air.
1 Ouf ouf poof ; ' Sam struggled to extricate himself, but
he couldn't manage it, and he only slipped further on, and
brought down a load of gravel and rubbish about his half-
buried head and shoulders.
' Better pull him out, I think,' said Mr. Tomkins, seeing
that Sam was literally in a fix.
1 Think not,' said old Bung 'seems very comf orable where
he be. Better liv' 'im bide, and give the rabbit a chance.'
But Sam's heels began flourishing and kicking about in such
fashion that it indicated partial suffocation. Whereupon
the landlord and Tomkins each seized a leg, old Bung look-
ing on deprecatingly meanwhile, and they pulled him out
gasping, but with the rabbit, which he had never let go of,
in his fist.
'Nigh squeak that,' said Sam, who was nearly purple,
shaking the dust from his shoulders, ears, and hair. ' Whoy
didn't no one pull us out afore ? '
1 Wall, Sam,' answered old Bung, ' I never did see a man
smawthered in a bary, and I was reyather curous about it,
and you did seem so oncommon comforable, a' dancin' the
polkas with yer heels uppermost, that I wur a thinkin' how
much yer wife 'ud a liked to a seen ye.'
Sam bestowed a glance upon his master ; but he didn't say
anything ; probably, like the celebrated parrot, he thought
all the more.
Meanwhile Tom had placed another ferret in a hole on the
further side of a large gravel-pit, on the brink of a corner of
which Newton was standing, and Mr. Waggletail had gone
round to superintend the operation. Out popped a rabbit
and ran across towards Newton's corner. * Bang ' went Mr.
Waggletail's fowling-piece, missing the rabbit by yards,
but making the gravel fly in all directions, very handy to
Newton. It was unpleasantly close, and so Newton thought ;
but not knowing exactly whether that wasn't all right and
the proper sort of thing to expect, as he was not shot, he said
nothing.
' My eye ! ' said old Bung quietly. ' There'll be some fun
afore the day's over, now.'
A DAY WITH THE SHORT TAILS 31
Then they went to another hole, and again the ferret was
laid up, and another digging process gone through Mr.
Tomkins being up to his shoulders in it, striving to handle the
rabbit presently, as they were all waiting, with guns cocked,
and intense expectation, old Bung, who had taken a little
tour by himself amongst the bushes, came up to Newton,
and said softly
' This way, sir ; there's a rabbit a sitting in that bush ; I
can see him from here you'll have a beautiful shot at him.'
* Where ? where ? ' asked Newton excitedly.
* There. Don't ye see him ? '
* What ! that little grey spot there, just under the furze-
bush ? '
' That's him,' said old Bung, as regardless of grammar as
Ingoldsby's ' Jackdaw of Rheims.' * You go and show 'em
how to do it ; ' and he walked away towards the hole, while
Newton, all flushed and eager, crept softly up to within about
twenty yards, and then, taking a steady aim, fired.
' What's that ? ' asked old Bung, with apparent surprise.
Newton did not return immediately, and when they looked
up, they saw him approaching rather sheepishly, with the
ruins of his friend Tomkins' bran new grey felt wideawake,
which he had nearly blown away, in his hand, it having been
carefully placed by old Bung, who seeing it fall from Tomkins's
head during his efforts at the hole, secured it secretly for
the purpose. Of course everybody laughed immensely at
this, except Newton and Tomkins, who could not by any
means be brought to see the force of the joke, particularly
Tomkins.
" Wall, strikes me, Musser Taumpkins, you ought to be
uncommon rejoiced you hadn't a got your head in it," said
old Bung, by way of consolation.
However, Sam's wife, coming out into the field with a basket
of comestibles a few minutes afterwards, managed to pin up
the worst of the rents, and Tomkins grumblingly placed it
upon his head, ' A regler wentilator,' as old Bung denomi-
nated it ; which, as the day was cold, and the wind rather
keen, was not desirable at all, particularly as it gave poor
old Tomkins a bad cold for two or three weeks after-
wards. But nothing could check old Bung's propensity for
mischief.
After this, they tried several more holes, but the rabbits
32 NEWTON DOGVANE
would not bolt, and it resolved itself into a day's ' navi-
gating,' and they made several very severe cuttings, with
several severe gradients in the mounds, in the course of which
they managed to secure ten or more rabbits.
Then they had lunch in a neglected gravel-pit, with more
practical jokes from old Bung ; after that, they had another
hour or two's * navigating,' and then they turned some of
the rabbits, which they had kept alive, down on an open
space, to be shot at by the sportsmen ; in which exploit Mr.
Waggletail greatly distinguished himself. They placed them-
selves in a row, about twenty yards apart, so that the rabbit
should have as little chance as possible. A rabbit was
placed before Mr. Waggletail, who stood in the centre, some
five yards from him, and before the poor wretch had hopped
a yard, he blew it all to pieces, pluming himself greatly on
having ' shot one running.' One or two more were then
demolished, in a more reasonable fashion, and next, one was
placed before him, which had evidently received some injury,
as it could not run, but hopped and rolled over, struggled up,
and again fell. It was going towards Mr. Tomkins, who
was waiting with the intent to kick it over and knock it
on the head, when, as it had blindly approached within
a yard of his feet, ' bang ' went Waggletail's gun again,
cutting up the gravel and mud, and sending it flying all over
Tomkins.
1 Hillo ! Why, confound it. What the dev
' I've done him,' quoth Waggletail, as the unlucky bunny
breathed his last.
'Done him ! You deuced near "did" me.'
' Nonsense,' said Waggletail ; ' it wasn't anywhere near
you.'
' Warn't within a yard on him,' said old Bung. * What's
he a makin' a row about ? The gentleman knowed what he
was about. Capital shot, sir,' continued Bung, gammoning
Waggletail on to mischief.
* Yes, as if I should go to shoot anywhere near him I ' said
Waggletail, in the most convincing manner imaginable.
'Well, I'm hanged !' gasped Tomkins; 'it's a mercy my
legs weren't as much like cullenders as my hat is. Why, look
here I There's the rabbit there's the fleck there's the gravel
not shoot near me 1 why, it's a mercy you didn't lame me
for life.'
A DAY WITH THE SHORT TAILS 33
' Yards wide, yards, / could see.'
* See ! confound you ; what did you want to shoot at the
poor broken-backed beggar at all for ? '
'You warn't within a yard of him,' said old Bung, quietly
fomenting the row.
1 Of course not. I'm blowed if I come out shooting with
him again,' said Waggletail, getting quite tiffed.
' I'll take deuced good care you don't,' roared Tomkins,
getting out of temper, and so the matter went on, till it
gradually subsided into growls.
At length, having got as many rabbits as they could, the
afternoon growing cold, and everybody being tired of digging,
they once more returned to the Bold Dragoon, where they re-
galed themselves upon a leg of mutton and its adjuncts, and
after that they smoked a little, and they drank a little, and
one or two strangers dropping in, they had a song or two, and
a toast or two ; until it became time to depart, when they
betook themselves to the chaise-cart once more, in a greatly
amended condition, and with cigars and a good deal of noisy
chat, superinduced by the aforesaid liquids, with the singing
and spouting, they in good time got them back to the great
Babel once more, having taken a most friendly and forgiving
leave of that pertinacious and mischief-loving old sinner, old
Bung.
34 NEWTON DOG VANE
CHAPTER IV.
NEWTON FALLS IN WITH AN OLD FRIEND
TIME passed on, and Newton became a promising young man
in the City. His father took him into partnership, and the
firm prospered. He frequented mild evening parties in the
neighbourhood of Brixton, where careful mammas with mar-
riageable daughters patronised him. He was blessed with a
weak tenor voice, and sung duets with musical young ladies,
and informed the company generally that * All was well,' and
that he ' Knew a bank/ &c., after which he would sometimes
request to know, * What the wild waves were saying,' and so
forth. He became great in the polka, but not being a fre-
quenter of casinos, he found the deux temps difficult ; and he
led altogether a very harmless, and possibly useful existence.
But a change was destined to come ' o'er the spirit of his
dream.' And so it fell out that, being in hungry mood one
cloudy November afternoon, he sought one of those ancient
hostelries which abound in the City, where wits in bygone
ages were wont to congregate, and which even now are famed
for their good cheer.
The name of this temple of Heliogabalus and Bacchus com-
bined was the Slate and Pickaxe ; and the Slate and Pick-
axe could turn out juicy steaks, succulent chops, kidneys,
and sausages, such as can be met with only in the City.
The potatoes which accompanied these viands were especial
marvels such magnificent, tempting roots, bursting with
flouriness ! There was a legend about these potatoes attached
to the Slate and Pickaxe, to the effect that the proprietor
had an estate comprising hundreds of acres, where nothing
but these identical potatoes were cultivated. Potato-disease,
bless you ! potato- disease never troubled the Slate and Pick-
axe farm, even in its very worst days. Slate and Pickaxe
tubers scorned to yield to such weaknesses, and continued
to turn up in the good old-fashioned way, without spick or
speck.
NEWTON FALLS IN WITH AN OLD FRIEND 35
Mr. Dogvane had used the house all his life, and New-
ton, like a dutiful son, trod reverently in his father's foot-
steps.
Up an alley, under an archway, past a church door you
couldn't see anything of the church but the door, part of a
window, and some iron railings, within which were neglected
graves, defaced with brickbats, tin kettles, and other rubbish.
In the midst shot up a mouldy sycamore, which struggled
with the smoke above and the rottenness below to put forth
a faint appearance of spring, when summer was almost over ;
but it was bare enough now, and black enough too. People
wondered, as they passed, how it ever grew to such a size
there not that it was particularly large, but it looked larger
than it was from being out of place.
Round a corner, past a bright window filled with raw
chops, steaks, kidneys, and lemons, amidst which a solitary
hare sat in a form such as she never could have occupied in
life without first breaking her back. She was flanked by a
dish of skinned soles, and another of whitings engaged in
the apparently difficult feat of swallowing their own tails.
Past a bar, replete and shining with glass, pewter, brass,
and beer-engines, behind which stood the Slate and Pickaxe
himself, who reminded you forcibly of a baron of beef in a
white apron, bowing with stately politeness to his, or rather
its, customers. On past the bar, round another corner, and
you enter a dark apartment filled up with boxes smell of
cookery and gas; strange thing about that room, the gas
never was supposed to go out ; no windows though there
had originally been one. Hear what the Slate himself says
of that window.
' Bricked up because of the churchyard, sir. Pretty pro-
spect, I do assure you, before it was bricked up ; grass and
trees quite the country ; even hear leaves rustle sometimes ;
five-and-thirty of my oldest customers/ continues the Slate,
' buried there. I used to smoke my pipe, and look out on
it from one of the upper windows, till I grew quite senti-
mental over the graves. But that was in the good old time.
Oh, dear, no,' he says, in answer to a question, * they don't
bury there now. Haven't for a long time. I had hoped to
lay my bones there, so as to be among old friends, and near
the old place. There was a somethin' a sort of a fancy like,
when I got a musing, that I should be able to hear the eatin'
36 NEWTON DOG VANE
and drinkin' goin' on. But a parcel of innovators come and
shut it up much good may it do 'em ! That earth had a
wonderful habit, such as I never see in any other earth. It
growed, sir, actilly it growed. I've knowed it grow an inch
and three-quarters up them lower panes. in a year. Malicious
people said it was the dead bodies ; but that's all nonsense.
It wasn't nothing of the kind. It was the uncommon fertil
natur' of the soil. Look at that tree ! the pride o' the court,
I call it ; you won't see sich a tree as that anywhere else.
Well, the soil couldn't grow things fast enough, so it took to
and growed its ownself. But people did complain ; there's
always some as will. They wouldn't sit at that end of the
room, so I was forced to have it bricked up. Great blow ! all
comes of innovation. They said it took away their appetites.
Why, I could sit at that very winder and eat " Three steaks,
one chop, and sausage, and that steak-pudding." ' (The latter
part of this speech would be addressed to a hole in the wall,
whence ran a pipe which communicated with the cookery, as
three or four customers entered, whose appetites and wants he
had known for years.) Such was often the theme of conver-
sation with mine host of the Slate or, as he was familiarly
termed by city wits, l The Slate.' Newton entered, took his
accustomed corner, and the ubiquitous William waited for
orders in the twinkling of a bedpost a period of time well
understood, though not set down in the tables.
* The pudding ! ' said Newton, shortly, as he took up the
supplement of the Times, and read abstractedly.
The pudding appeared. Ye who have eaten in youthful
days an utterly indigestible mass, composed of untearable
steak, surrounded by a perfect, Malakoff of a crust, attend !
Newton ate it ay, every bit, and Apicius might have envied
him.
Newton waited for the cheese, and looked round. Opposite
to him, but hidden behind the outspread Times, sat some
one he had not yet had an opportunity of scanning the
individual's face ; and subsequently, being engrossed with the
pudding, he had scarcely observed him. But this gentle-
man, whoever he was and he was a young man, good-looking
and well-dressed had once or twice glanced curiously and
scrutinisingly at Newton over the top of the paper. Newton
]i:iving finished the pudding, his opposite neighbour once
more glanced at him, and coughed slightly, as if to nltrari
NEWTON FALLS IN WITH AN OLD FRIEND 37
attention. Newton looked at him their eyes met. The
intelligence of mutual recognition gradually spread over
their faces, and 'What! Ted, old fellow!' and 'Why!
Newton, old boy ! ' burst from both simultaneously. It
was his quondam schoolmate, Ted Bowers. There was
great shaking of hands, in the midst of which Newton
hailed William, ' Bottle of the forty-five port a friend of
mine, William.'
* Glad to see him, sir,' said William, patronisingly, looking
at Ted as if he were some new and delicate species of chicken
just imported.
' Take it up to the Falcon, William.'
' The forty- five, sir, yes, sir ; you shall, sir. You wos
always a good judge, from a boy you wos, Mr. Newton.
" Little but good," says you. So was the old 'un afore you, so
he was ; " little but good," says he ; " half a pint of the best "
I like a pint myself yes, sir, you shall.' And away went
William to the cellar, while our two friends mounted the
stairs and entered a room, on the door of which in white
letters was the word Falcon. The port made its appearance
in great state, and was of course approved of highly. Then
came the revelations and remembrances of former years, and
' what had become of Jones ; ' and how ' Smith was married
to a native princess in Madagascar ; and while Brown had
ten children and a wife and such a one, too ! Robinson
was unmarried, and Walker died of yellow fever in the West
Indies, and Thomson was murdered by Dyak pirates you
know, it was in the paper and his ears and teeth were
brought home by Wilson, who married the corn-chandler's
daughter you know old Johnson's daughter; Hoppety
Johnson's sister. You recollect Hoppety dot and go one
contracted leg, and all that. Wilson used to chaff him
about his pretty sister, and say that if she'd plenty of tin he'd
marry her; and don't you remember how Wilson used to
threaten Hoppety that he'd pull his leg if he didn't help him
to run away with his sister.' ' And he actually married her,
after all ! ' ' Married her, ah ! and got ^40,000 with her.'
'Not a bad coup.' Thus the revelations went on, mingled
with laughter and clinking glasses. The pistol, you may be
sure, was not forgotten. All their prospects were discussed.
How Ted was waiting for a commission ; how he was afraid
he was too old, but as there was a talk of war, perhaps
38 NEWTON DOG VANE
that would be overlooked, &c. Amidst all this the bottle
came to an end, and something warm followed, with some
of those Cagadores regalias; and it was all very jolly and
pleasant.
At length, when they parted, Newton found that he
had engaged himself to bring his gun ! and dog ! ! on the
day after to-morrow to the livery stables where Ted's cart
was ; and Ted had promised, on the other part, to drive
him down to Crookham, his family's place, for a little
shooting, &c.
CHAPTER V.
TREATS ON VARIOUS SUBJECTS
THE next day was a busy one for Newton. He had promised
to bring his gun and his dog ! A gun he had certainly the
one he acquired from Mr. Shecabs ; but he had somewhere
heard a single gun denominated a poker ; so that wouldn't
do. He mentioned his difficulty to William the waiter, who
solved it for him by lending him a very tolerable double
Lancaster, which he had taken of * a party ' in consideration
of a debt. But a dog ! Such a thing had never been seen
inside No. 7 Prospect Terrace, Brixton, for Newton's father
and mother had an antipathy to the whole canine race ; and
had Mrs. Dogvane fancied that her Newton the apple of her
eye possessed such a thing in secret, she would have been tor-
mented to death, sleeping and waking, by dreams of hydro-
phobia, mad dogs, feather-beds, &c. Accordingly, Newton
had never owned one. Now, however, a dog must be
obtained somehow. He had tacitly acquiesced in the fiction
of his possessing a dog; and, at all hazards, the fiction
must be made fact. Accordingly, William named one Mr.
Tightner, who dwelt in the neighbourhood of the New Road,
as * a likely place for a sportin' dog ' where he could hire
one for a week, probably ; and forthwith away posted Newton
TREATS ON VARIOUS SUBJECTS 39
towards the New Road. Passing down the Strand, his eye
was attracted by a gorgeous style of shooting- jacket, ticketed
353. 6d. 'Ah!' thought Newton, 'a pretty mess I should
have been in if I had not seen this.' Newton stopped alas
for Newton !
' You have ready-made shooting-jackets here/ he said to
the proprietor, who stood bowing.
' The largest and choicest selection in London.'
* That's a lie,' thought Newton, looking round the confined
premises. ' But no matter, if he has one that'll do for me ;
it will answer as well as if he really had the 25,000, as per
placard.' And the proprietor had one which did for him
but of that hereafter. The one which had attracted Newton's
eye was unhooked : it was a glaring, staring, rainbow plaid
blue, green, red, yellow, purple, and white.
' Sweet thing, sir,' quoth the proprietor, displaying it.
Newton would have objected that it was too brilliant ; but
he was knocked down by the information * That plaids was all
the thing with Prince H' Albert, the Nobs, and the rest of
the Royal family. And gents in the 'Ighlands wore nothing
else but those identical plaids, which was called the Macdoodle
tartan.' The jacket was tried on. It was much too large ;
but he was again assured ' that it was made for Lord Tom-
noddy, who was just Newton's size and cut, and he'd a ordered
it loose and full for freedom of haction.' Of course he was
gammoned into purchasing it, for, in spite of Newton's wish
to see some of the other 24,999, ^ e cou ld not get a sight of
them ; and he was finally persuaded that a complete suit of
the same stuff * was the regler thing ' (the proprietor having
bought a damaged remnant of it cheap) ; so he gave orders
for trousers and waistcoat of the same to be sent home the
ensuing morning.
A cap and a tie of other gorgeous plaids were now forced
on him, and 'Boots some of our registered anti-fluvials,
Mr. Sneek,' said the proprietor. But Newton made a stand
against the anti-fluvials ; he had little faith in them. Still
it wouldn't do. Anti-fluvials with bladder lining, waterproof
something or other, and gutta-percha something or other else,
were stuck into him, and he was sent away minus the best
part of a ten-pound note.
Having arrived at the New Road, Newton found out Mr.
Tightner's canine repository. It was held at the dirtiest
40 NEWTON DOG VANE
house, in the dirtiest by-lane, leading out of the dirtiest street,
in the New Road. Newton entered a small shop encumbered
with bird-cages and birds, living and dead, badgers, rat-dogs,
foxes, and many other specimens of natural history, which,
with a strong flavour of tobacco, rabbits, rats, stables, sewers,
cellars, aniseed, and gin, almost choked not only the place but
the unwary visitor. He was informed by a very dirty old
woman, who was a fit ornament to the concern, ' That Tight-
ner were at 'ome, and he were wormin' some puppies, but 'ud
come presently.' A screaming parrot at Newton's back com-
menced a horribly discordant croak. * Mother Tight,' yelled
the bird ' Mother Tight Old Mother Faggot, keep me out
in the cold oh, you d 1 Tightner's drunk you're an-
other ha ! ha ! ha ! ' These sentences the bird vociferated
again and again with astonishing volubility, winding up with
a perfectly fiendish shout of laughter as Newton turned
round.
* Oh, you d 1,' said Mrs. Tightner, shaking her fist at the
bird ; and Poll echoed her, as she went out grumbling. The
parrot evidently was in the habit of repeating scraps of the
connubial intercourse which passed between Mr. and Mrs.
Tightner. What a wicked parrot it was ! And no sooner
did Poll open, than each of the other live specimens of
dogs, birds, &c. &c., lent his full share towards the general
uproar.
Mr. Tightner here appeared in his shirt-sleeves smoking
a pipe. He was a thought dirtier than Mrs. Tightner, and
consequently two thoughts dirtier than anything else within
a hundred yards or so of his abode. Mr. Tightner needs
no description. He is a well-known subject. Newton made
known his business, and Mr. Tightner, without a word, led
the way, through a dark passage, into a narrow paved yard
surrounded by dog-kennels. A fierce bull-dog made a dash
at Newton's legs ; but receiving a skilfully administered kick
on the stomach from the heavily ironed toe of Mr. Tightner's
ankle-jack, he thought better of it, and retired to his hutch.
Sundryother suspicious terriers and hungry- looking bulls made
overtures to Newton's calves, and a general howling, barking,
and growling ensued ; but Newton kept well out of reach.
* There you air,' said Mr. Tightner, stopping before a
konnel, and dragging forth a mongrelish-looking, coarse-
sternetl pointer.
TREATS ON VARIOUS SUBJECTS 41
' Oh ! that's the dog ? ' said Newton.
'That's him Mungo's his name; and a ten-pun note's
his price. You won't ditto him, search London over. I
knows that if I took 'im to Lord Stilton I cud get fifteen
for 'im.'
Newton, in his usual style of reasoning, ventured to wonder
' why he didn't take him to Lord Stilton. ' Mr. Tightner looked
narrowly at his customer, suspecting an intention to chaff on
the part of Newton ; but seeing that he was perfectly serious,
he kicked a terrier back into his kennel, which was creeping
up to Newton with sinister intent. ' Ah, would yer 1 That's
the artfullest warment that is, as ever I had on these pre-
mises. Jem Burn's breed, he is ; he'd a had you jist above
the boot in another seckind.'
' "Would he ? ' said Newton, involuntarily moving his legs.
1 1 believe yer,' answered Mr. Tightner ; * he's a curiosity,
he is ; so gallus artful, he is. Well, yer see, about the pinter,
'taint what I could git, but what I can. Lord Stilton's
out o' town, and therefore I'm obligated to give the dorg
away.'
Newton explained that his object was not to buy ; and after
considerable chaffering and ' puttin' it to Newton as a gentle-
man,' and the usual amount of shifts, dodges, &c., a bargain
was struck. Newton was to pay 308. a week for the hire of
the dog, and to pay $ deposit on him. ' The fiver, in course,
I returns in case no 'arm 'appens to him that you're cer-
tain on.' Poor Newton ! the idea of Tightner returning any
money ! or of any money being a week in his possession
without his spending it !
1 Very good,' said Newton. Newton might be a sharp
man of business in the City, but he was a baby, a lamb, to
that wolf of a Tightner.
Newton paid the money, and, as a matter of business,
asked for a receipt.
* Ye see, sir,' answered Tightner, ' I can't write/
' Oh, I'll write it,' said Newton, * and you can scratch your
mark against it.'
* Ah ! but then I can't read,' said Tightner, with an
expressive wink; 'and how am I to know wot's on the
paper ? '
'You may trust to my honour, I should think,' said
Newton, indignantly.
42 NEWTON DOG VANE
1 Gammon ! ' said Tightner. ' Mr. Mr. '
4 Dogvane,' said Newton.
* Dogwane,' repeated Tightner, ' take my hadwice don't
you never 'ave nothink to do with 'onour, or you'll be broke,
as sure as my name's Tightner. It's a bad game, is 'onour
and trust's nothink but a wusser. Now, look 'ere, this is
a matter of business. Not readin' nor writin', I 'ates paper ;
I've got the money you've got the dorg. Bring me the
dorg, safe and sound, mind you, and there's the money. I
can't say no fairer. S'pose I dies bankrups ' (fancy Tightner
bankrupting ! Even Newton could not help smiling at the
idea), ' still you've all the best of it. There's the dorg, and
you could keep 'm.' With this reasoning Newton was obliged
to be content. So, calling for a cab, and refusing Mr.
Tightner's kind invite 'to stand something,' he tied a hand-
kerchief round Mungo's neck, forced him into the cab, and
drove off exulting in his acquisition ; while Mr. Tightner took
a solemn pantomimic sight at them, as they drove off, and
performed a triumphant double shuffle behind the cage of the
parrot, whose last words were * Tightner's drunk ha ! ha ! '
Having thus given vent to his satisfaction, Mr. Tightner pro-
ceeded to finish getting intoxicated he was usually more or
less so and continued in that state for some days until the
last sixpence of the 6, xos. was dissipated.
A ROW IN THE HOUSE 43
CHAPTER VI.
A BOW IN THE HOUSE
* MY dear,' said Mrs. Dogvane to Mr. Dog vane, 'haven't you
observed something strange something very strange about
New all day 2 '
' Well, my dear, yes. I think I may say that I saw him
in one of the most remarkable jackets an hour or two since
that '
'I don't mean that, Mr. Dogvane. But that's always
your way.'
* What's always my way, dear ? '
' Why, that ! '
1 Which ? What ? Ton my life ! my dear, I don't under-
stand you.'
' That's just what I'm saying ; you always pretend that you
dont understand me, and go off to something else. I was
asking you if you hadn't noticed something remarkable in
New's manner, and you begin to talk about his shooting-
jackets.' (Mrs. Dogvane, when she grew a little excited,
invariably pluralised things, as if there were several of them
in question.)
* You didn't say in his manner, my love ; you said about
him. And of course I thought you referred to that tar-
tan affair, which says as plain as it can, " Saxon I am, and
a regular do ! " :
' Pshaw ! fiddle ! There you are at your puns now. Well,
but haven't you, my dear, observed that '
* My dear, I certainly have noticed that he appeared rest-
less ; that he has gone out of the room, and come in again,
oftener than usual. But, as he is going to this Mr.
Bowers's on a sporting visit to-morrow, I thought he was
anxious about his preparations, and was packing bags, and
cleaning guns, and so forth. But I don't know that I have
noticed anything more.'
' Ah ! then, I have,' said the anxious mother. ' I'm sure
44 NEWTON DOG VANE
there's something the matter, and that he's not well. I heard
him go round the back of the house towards the dusthole
just now; and I heard him whistling; and then all of a
sudden he stopped ; and then I heard him say as distinctly
as possible, " Poor fellow ! " and something about " lying
down." Besides, he looks so excited.'
{ Fancy ! my dear fancy ! '
' Oh ! of course it is. That's just what you said, if you recol-
lect, before he had the measles. You remember that I said
I thought he looked flushed, and you said that women were
always thinking something.'
1 Did I, my dear ? Perhaps I was right.'
' You did. Those were your very words, when that dear
child was four years and three months old ; and I replied
that I was sure he was sickening for something, and you said,
' 'Fancy! my dear fancy ! " just as you say it to-night.'
' Well, really, my love, I'm very sorry. What do you think
he's sickening for now ? If I might give an opinion, I should
say, after that tea he made, it was an attack of muffins.'
Mrs. Dogvane rose and left the room, saying that ' men hadn't
a bit of feeling ; ' and Mr. Dogvane resumed his paper, which
he had laid down.
Sleep prevaileth. Night has covered the earth with its
shroud. A silence, broken only by the distance-deadened roll
and roar of the hoarse, dissipated city, reigns around ; but
this sound is so sleepless, so ever constant, that it becomes
part, parcel, and pulse of the very silence itself. When will
London be thoroughly silent ? When it shall have become
the city of the dead, and not till then ; for where there is life
there is sound. Therefore, when we say that silence reigned
around, we only mean to say that there was nobody speaking,
and that the silence was subject to certain conditions. We
stand in a bed-chamber start not, reader ; don't be alarmed.
This is a domestic, connubial apartment, and the parties occu-
pying it have every lawful right so to do. There is a gentle
rustle, and the soft, regular, nasophonous music of a lady's
organ might be heard playing tenor to the hoarser bass tone
of a manly instrument, which, ever and again, after running
through a complicated passage, ended with a chord-like snort,
and, after a brief rest, began again. Suddenly there arose
without a cry a yell so loud, so piercing, so prolonged that
the nasophons ceased, as though some magic spell had been
A ROW IN THE HOUSE 45
suddenly dissolved ; and the proprietors of the two instru-
ments, after various contortions, sat up in bed, with alarm
depicted on their countenances, which would have presented
to any one who might have seen them the features of Mr.
and Mrs. Dogvane.
' Bless my heart ! ' quoth Mrs. D.
* Bless my soul ! ' quoth Mr. D.
' What is it ? What could it be ? ' inquired both.
' Ya-hoo-o-oo,' was repeated without.
* Dear me ! How very unked,' said Mrs. D.
' Very unearthly, I must say,' said Mr. D.
1 A-hoo-oo-o.'
' For all the world it sounds like a dog howling,' said
Mrs. D.
'That's what it is a beastly cur,' said Mr. D., flopping
down on the pillow again, and addressing himself to sleep.
' Ya-hoo-oo-o.'
* I declare it sounds close under our window,' quoth
Mrs. D.
' Oh ! confoundedly close ! ' quoth Mr. D.
' Ya-hoo-oo.'
' My dear, do get up, and just look out of the window,
and see what's the matter ; I'm sure there's somebody dying
somewhere ! ' said Mrs. D.
' Oh ! ah ! I daresay ! Get up and open the window in
November ? Dying be hanged ! Let 'em die then I'm not
going to be blown into fiddle- strings because people will die.
How can I help their dying ? '
' A-hoo-hoo-hoo.'
< Oh dear ! bother the dog.'
' D n the brute ! I wish he'd a brick-bat round his
neck,' said Dogvane, viciously, as, with a turn and a twist, he
pulled his nightcap over his ears, and once more tried all he
knew to sleep. But the sound wouldn't be shut out ; it came
again and again, ' A-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo,' as if it never meant
leaving off.
Mr. Dogvane once more, like * Shove ' the barber, ' sat on
his antipodes in bed.' Another howl, and ' Heavens and
earth, it's too bad ! ' and Mr. Dogvane dashed out of bed,
rushed to the window, and threw it up violently. A chill wind
swept into the apartment and playfully fluttered Mr. Dog-
vane's shirt-tails, diffusing, from head to heel, one universal
46 NEWTON DOGVANE
shiver. But Mr. Dogvane's was not the only window open ;
for when he put out his head (which he did cautiously
enough) he saw several others in fact, a row of white night-
caps, all up the back windows of the terrace protruding
inquiringly and anathematisingly ; while a general chorus
of 'Infernal brutes,' 'Disgraceful nuisances,' &c., made itself
heard.
Mr. Dogvane looked to the right and to the left, and saw
nothing. ' Ya-woo-oo ' why, where could it be ? It seemed
directly under his nose.
' Mungo ! Mun-g6 ! Lie down, sir-r-r ! ' said a voice over
Mr. Dogvane's head.
Mr. Dogvane looked up. The speaker was his son Newton.
He looked down and beheld the nuisance in his own backyard
nay, in his own, his very own dusthole in the shape of
Mungo. A volley of ' Shamefuls,' ' Disgracefuls,' ' Abomin-
ables,' and 'Infernals' was hurled at Mr. Dogvane's nightcap.
The situation was not agreeable, the wind piercing cold ; so
he did the wisest thing he could do under the circumstances
he shut the window.
There was evidently a dog, a protege of his son's, on the
premises. It would be all explained in the morning ; so he
merely put his head outside the door, and ordered Newton to
' Go down at once and quiet that brute ; ' and then, getting
into bed, he grinned pleasantly at the thought of the delight-
ful task he had set his son, as he heard Newton knocking
his shins against the banisters on his way down to the
back-door.
Mungo had been smuggled into the house ; and Newton,
knowing his mother's prejudice, had concealed him in the
dusthole, where he had been perpetually supplied by Newton,
throughout the evening, with broken victuals, &c., to keep him
quiet. But the bones were demolished, and Mungo missed
the genial atmosphere and company of Mr. Tightner's kennel ;
and thus he made his moan, and introduced himself to the
notice of the inhabitants of Prospect Terrace. Newton once
more groped his way to the larder, and seizing in the dark
the first thing he could get hold of, which was a carcass of
something, conveyed it to Mungo, with many ' Poor fellows ! '
and ' Good old chaps ! ' in the midst of which, the ' good old
chap,' scenting an edible, snatched it from Newton's hand,
and retreated with it to the congenial dusthole, growling.
A ROW IN THE HOUSE 47
Towards morning Mungo favoured the neighbourhood
with another serenade, which lasted until cockcrow; and
the consequence was that nine notes of indignant expos-
tulation and one notice of action for nuisance made their
appearance upon Mr. Dogvane's breakfast-table before nine
o'clock.
' Martha,' said Mrs. Dogvane, * broil the back and one of
the legs of the goose for your master's breakfast. Cayenne,
and a slice of lemon.'
* Please, 'm,' quoth Martha, after a short interval, * there
ain't no goose here.'
' Nonsense ! ' answered her mistress ; ' I saw it there on the
right-hand shelf myself last night. Do as I tell you.'
' But it ain't here,' persisted Martha.
' Not there ! '
* No, 'm ; it's clean gone and stol'd away.'
' Don't tell me ! you know I had the cat made away with
only last week, and now we haven't got one at all ; therefore,
if you haven't given it to the policeman or the chaps, it must
be there.'
For this mean and base insinuation, Martha gave warning
on the spot, and muttered something about * Debaging slaves,
Uncle Tom's Cabbingses, and Horsetrailyer.'
' But what can have come of it ? ' continued Mrs. Dog-
vane.
* Sure I don't know,' jerked out Martha; * I don't find no
pleegemen and chaps in board and lodgin's. Leastways, if I
did, I'm sure they wouldn't get fat enough to be made prize
oxes on out o' this 'ouse.'
For this cruel and cutting insinuation, Martha's ' missus '
gave her warning on the spot, and called her ' an ungrateful
hussy.' And yet Martha and her mistress were as good
friends as ever again in two hours' time, and did not entertain
the least idea of parting.
Newton heard the colloquy. Could it have been the goose
he had pitched on and conveyed to Mungo in the night ? He
owned at breakfast-time, in the course of explanations, that it
might have been.
Mrs. Dogvane thought that he might have chosen anything
else ; but it appeared, upon inquiry, that he had chosen every-
thing else previously ; and she was motherly and affectionate.
Mr. Dogvane would have been wroth at any other time, not
48 NEWTON DOG VANE
only at the surreptitious introduction of Mungo, but the loss
of his broil. But the notes were so very indignant, so lofty
and exacting in tone, that he grew dogged, and he remembered
Newton's pleasant journey down-stairs with a grim smile and
much relish. And, finally, he declared ' that he had a right
to keep a dog if he liked what right had that old Cossack,
Copps (one Captain Copps,late of the H.E.LC.S.),to talk about
actions for nuisances ? hang him ! There wasn't a greater
nuisance in the neighbourhood than he was himself. He'd a
right to keep a dog. He would keep a dog. He'd see old
Copps blowed but what he'd keep a dog ; and if Newton took
that dog away, he'd buy another ; and if it didn't howl often
enough, he'd invent some sort of infernal machine with a
spring to it, which would keep him at it every two minutes
all night long. Who was old Copps indeed ! '
' And who was that Mrs. Copps ? ' said Mrs. Dogvane.
* A captain in '
'I don't believe he was ever a captain at all,' put in
Mrs. D.
' Well, a lieutenant, then, in the Bombay Horse Marines
ha! ha!'
i And his wife was part of a speculation cargo.'
* The d 1 take Copps,' said Mr. Dogvane; to which Mrs.
Dogvane replied, ' that although it certainly was strong lan-
guage, she'd no objection.' Accordingly, Captain Copps was
politely informed in a note, with all sorts of compliments, that
there was no law against keeping dogs, and if he felt aggrieved
at it, he could retaliate by keeping another !
TO CROOKHAM 49
CHAPTER VII.
TO CROOKHAM
CROOKHAM is a pleasant little village in Kent, some twenty
miles from London ; and thither our friends were bound on
the ensuing afternoon. The dogcart and the roan mare were
in waiting. Mungo was dragged from a cab, and with New-
ton's bag and guncase was hoisted up, much against his will,
and forced into the depths of the cart. Newton and his
friend scrambled to their seats. The cloth was withdrawn,
and, at a chirrup from Ned, the roan stepped away at a good
round trot, making light of the load within the cart, and of the
fortunes and solid flesh of Mr. Newton Dog vane and his friend
Ned Bowers, which were for the time deposited outside it.
Newton was unused to dogcarts, and held firmly on by the
rail for the first mile or so, evincing a strong disposition to
clutch the reins whenever a cart, dray, or omnibus seemed
nearer to them than quite accorded with his notions of safety.
Newton had been accustomed to omnibuses and cabs, and
there was something solid and safe to his eyes in their pon-
derous weight and five-mile-an-hour pace ; consequently, the
lightness of the cart and the free action of the roan mare
seemed to him to be fraught with danger.
' Would you like to drive, Newton ? ' asked Ned, upon one
of those occasions when Newton had made an attempt on the
reins as they whirled by an omnibus.
* Oh dear, no ! thank you,' answered Newton.
'Then, if you don't wish to be upset, I think, perhaps, you
had better let me, as it isn't quite safe laying hold of the rib-
bons like you do. I know the mare, and she knows me, and
you'd better leave us alone if you wish to arrive uninjured at
the journey's end,' said Edward, rather drily.
' My dear fellow, I beg your pardon. It was quite involun-
tary ; I won't do it again.' And Newton put a watchful curb
upon his actions for the rest of the evening j though on one
or two occasions, when ' his heart was in his mouth,' he only
just succeeded in stopping himself from repeating the offence.
D
50 NEWTON DOGVANE
Clatter, clatter, rattle, rattle, they went over the stony
streets. Carriages, carts, omnibuses, &c. &c., were cast behind
like nothing. Anon they grew thin, and thinner still, and the
steady hard roll of the turnpike told them that London was
behind. Gaps began to appear between the houses, through
which visions of gardens and trees appeared in the distance.
Railings and new churches gave place to hedges, with here
and there a tea-garden or suburban public-house. Presently,
the houses ceased altogether, though they had made a long
struggle of it ; hedges, trees, and green fields alone were seen ;
and they were upon the road.
1 Now, New, I'm going to hand you the reins, while I light
a weed ; and as you are decidedly innocent as regards driving,
all you have to do is to keep them just tight enough to feel
the old mare's mouth without checking her. Let her have her
own way ; she'll go. You really ought to know how to drive,
and must learn. There ! ' giving Newton the reins. ' Now,
leave the whip alone, you don't want that, nor does the, old
lady ; for if you only dropped the lash on her back, I wouldn't
answer for the consequences. Don't hold the reins like a tailor.
Here, first and second finger so you don't want a hand for
each rein.' And Newton took the reins as his friend showed
him, and let the mare go her own pace. The road was level
and straight. It really seemed the simplest thing in the
world. Ned lighted a cigar.
Presently a horse and cart came toiling along the road ;
Newton seized the near rein in his whip hand, and pulled as
if he were dragging at a nine-inch cable. Round sprung
the old mare at this unwonted visitation to her grinders, and
narrowly missed the ditch; she righted herself, however,
pulled the wheel off the footway on which it had intruded,
and went off at ' score ' in a smart canter.
' Don't pull her,' said Ned ; ' let her have her run out, and
she'll soon find it's all a mistake, and will calm down. If
you don't let her do it her own way, she'll be fidgety all the
rest of the journey. What on earth made you pull at the rein
in that fashion ? A slight turn of the wrist is all that is
necessary. See thus that's it ; you'll soon learn.'
' Oh yes, I shall soon learn ; it's delightfully easy.'
' Easy as as bull-fighting, when you're used to it.'
After a time, Newton, getting more 'used to it,' actually
lighted a cigar with one hand, while he held the reins in the
TO CROOKHAM 51
other. This was the great event of the afternoon to Newton.
' Pull up at the Marlborough's Head. ' A public-house a huge
elm-tree, whose roots seemed all above ground an ancient
sign, supposed to represent the above warrior, but which might
have represented a red lion, a green dragon, a blue boar, or any
other natural-historical curio to the casual observer. How-
ever, the Head drew a clear bright tap, which our friends
tasted while the mare had her mouth wiped out. Presently
the cigars were relighted, and they were once more off.
* Eleven miles ! ' said Ned, who was just showing Newton
what the roan could do. The road was hard, dry, and level,
and the afternoon clear and bracing. The old mare's hoofs
rang a musical, bell-like peal, and the wheels hummed in con-
cert. They were making good running of it. Their spirits
rose with the rapid motion, and laugh, jest, and story followed
one another in quick succession. Presently, a tall, solitary
pine tree appeared in the distance, flanked by a row of poplars.
' There's Crookham ! ' said Ned. A clump of elms just
showed itself, and was left behind a few scattered houses,
a green, a church, a pond, sharp round through a gate and
a short avenue, and ' Here we are.'
A capital old-fashioned house, just modernised enough not
to spoil it with old oak beams traversing in all directions
such of the masonry as could be seen between the creepers,
which almost smothered it. Twisted and angled chimneys of
another period abounded. Ivy and clematis of a hundred
years' growth, with wonderful climbing roses, which in the
summer almost decked with their blossoms the very chimneys,
seemed everywhere. A front garden, a trifle high, stiff and
prim in form, but charmingly arranged, conservatory, &c.
&c. But Newton had not much time to examine externals.
The servant stood ready, and took the cart round.
* Will, tie that dog up, and send Mr. Dogvane's things up
into the Punch room. There are some things for the young
ladies take them out ; and a turkey for the cook let her
have it.'
Newton was now introduced by his friend to a snug little
bedroom, called the Punch room, because it was completely
papered with engravings from that periodical and on every
side might be seen those wonderful creations of Leech's pencil.
Here was old Briggs having 'a splendid run over a magni-
ficent country,' with about twenty pounds of mud upon each
52 NEWTON DOGVANB
foot. There he might have been observed at the steeplechase,
looking remarkably queer at a very stiff thorn and paling
as the countryman informs him that * This ain't the big 'un,
but the big 'un's just after you get out of the road, over the
double post and rail, and afore you come to the brook.' Here
you have the * pictur ' of a barbel, some 300 Ibs. weight by
the lowest computation, which the host of the Angling Inn is
showing to two amazed Cockneys as one which * his little boy
ketched jest hopposite ; ' and there an inimitable bit from the
moors two gentlemen with a dead grouse between them, and
the l My bird, I think,' of the one, and * Belongs to me, I
fancy,' of the other ; both of which pithy sentences you can
almost see issuing from the supposed speakers' mouths. It
was the snuggest of snug rooms. The ivy clustered closely
round the window, and in the morning the birds chattered
and twittered delightfully. The fire was shining brightly.
* This will do for you, old fellow, eh ? ' asked Ned.
1 Gloriously, thank you ; never was so comfortable in my
life ; ' and Newton plumped down into a capacious ' easy.'
' If you want to smoke, open that door, and the smoke
ventilates through the passage beyond, at the other end of
which is my room. I forgot to say there's a bit of a hop
down-stairs to-night ; so, when you have made yourself com-
fortable, we'll have a mouthful of something here. And I'll
explain to you the territory you've invaded. I'll be with you
again in two minutes. Ring if you want anything ; ' and
away went Ned to his own room.
1 By Jove ! ' said Newton to himself, looking round upon
the unwonted comforts, ' I've fallen in for a good thing this
time ; our people at home are not up to this kind of thing,
so we must try and teach them when we return.' Newton
had not formed altogether a correct notion of Crookham.
His ideas of the country were decidedly in favour-of farming,
&c. He had formed some vague notion of astonishing the
natives and displaying to the Boeotian gaze the wonders of
London refinement. Surely there is no animal on earth so
truly, thoroughly, and naturally conceited, as a pure specimen
of a Londoner. However, Newton was wise enough at once
to abandon all ideas of doing anything en grand seigneur. He
had just finished his arrangements, and satisfactorily, when
his friend returned, followed by a servant who bore a tray, on
which was a raised pie of fair dimensions and a bottle or two.
TO CROOKHAM 53
' Can you do upon this for the present, old fellow ? ' asked
Ned.
'Well, I'll try to subsist upon it for the time being,'
answered Newton, spooning away at the contents of the pie
at a great rate nor was Ned far behind him and in a very
short time it was reduced to an almost empty crust.
' Now for a plan of the country according to promise,' said
Ned, when the eating and drinking were completed. ' Im-
primis, there's the Maternity, bless her old heart ! A better
woman or a kinder mother doesn't step between this and John
o' Groats. Please her children, and you please her ; so, as the
friend of an important party in that delightful clique, you have
every chance of becoming a favourite. Then there's the gover-
nor ; you'll be sure to like him, he is such a worthy old boy.
Then there's his brother Charles Uncle Crabb we call him
a retired army surgeon an undeniable original. He'll
insult you, in all probability, the moment you are introduced
to him, and possibly ten times a- day afterwards. But every-
body knows his way, and consequently no one notices or cares
about it. " Sweetest, nut hath sourest rind ; " such is the
case with Uncle Crabb ; for under an apparently rough ex-
terior lies one of the best and truest hearts that ever beat in
mortal man. He is the most inveterate enemy to humbug,
and he won't make friends with you in a hurry ; but when
he does, you secure him for life. Next come my sisters.
Charlotte, the eldest, is a remarkably self-possessed young
woman, considerable of a beauty they say. She will win your
heart while she laughs in your face; but you must be
something out of the common to win hers. Bessie my
favourite I won't tell you a word about Bessie, except
that I think her the most dangerous of the three, with her
dear, quiet, earnest, gentle manner ware heart there, my
boy ; for nothing but the real thing will win Bessie. Cecilia,
alias Sissy, alias Baby, alias Topsy, is a lisping incarnation of
all mischief, wild as a hawk or an unbroken colt. There, my
boy ! I've given you clear sailing directions, I think, and if
you get aground it will be your own fault.'
Scarcely had Ned finished this harangue, when there came
a knock at the door, and William entered, holding in his
hand what appeared to be a bunch of feathers.
' Please, sir,' said Will, with the slightest possible grin on
his face, 'Missus Jewsbury wants to know if this be the
54 NEWTON DOG VANE
turkey you said you'd bring? and how you'd like her to
cook it ? ' And Will held up the object he bore in his hands,
displaying to their gaze a mangled mass of flesh and feathers.
Newton stared at it with astonishment, as did his friend for
a moment, who then broke out into a loud laugh.
' Ha ! ha ! ha ! Poor Jewsbury ! What can have befallen
the turkey 1 for T suppose, from the appearance of the feathers,
that is the turkey.'
'Yes, sir, I rayther thinks it is wot's left on it, and I
'magines the gen'leman's pinter fell'd foul on it in the cart ;
for he won't eat no supper, and is blowed out terrible.'
Newton looked dreadfully annoyed and upset. ' Oh, that
wretched Mungo ! ' said he. ' It was only last night he de-
voured a goose.'
* Mungo, by all that's destructive,' said his friend, with
another burst of laughter; 'bravo, Mungo a goose and a
turkey. He's a dog of discrimination, that Mungo of yours,
an undeniable epicure, a regular alderman of a Mungo. There,
old fellow, don't look so savage over it. It was all my fault
for being so indiscreet as to let them travel in such close com-
panionship. Take it away, Will, and tell Mrs. Jewsbury I am
sorry for the accident. It can't be helped : she must do as well
as she can without it.' And Will returned with the remains of
the turkey, as Ned, with another burst of laughter, drowned
his friend's apologies ; and so contagious was his laughter that
Newton, in spite of his annoyance, could not help joining in
it. At this juncture a tall, well-looking, elderly gentleman
entered the room, saying, 'What on earth are you boys so
uproarious about 1 ' Ned introduced his friend to his father.
The usual compliments passed ; and Ned explained the cause
of their merriment, with such little improvements as gave
point to the story, so that it even provoked the governor's
mirth. There is nothing like a good laugh for setting people
at their ease ; and the three gentlemen were soon chatting
away, 'as if,' as Newton said, 'he was quite one of the family.'
' And now I've some good news. Here's a note of excuse
from Sir John Vesey for this evening, and an invitation to
any friends of mine to shoot at Dealmount with the party
to-morrow. There 1 will that suit you to commence with ? '
asked Mr. Bowers.
' Not at all oh no ! We're in luck. Best covers within
thirty miles, New!'
TO CROOKHAM 55
' Indeed ! ' said New, ' that is a capital, you know. I'm
sure I'm very much delighted.' Newton began to feel a
slight want of confidence in his prowess.
' Good shot, Mr. Dogvane ? ' asked the old gentleman.
* No a not very ; that is not at all/ answered Newton,
diffidently.
' Oh, that won't do. It's only your modesty prevents you
from speaking highly of your skill. I don't doubt but we shall
see you double up the long tails in great style to-morrow.'
' And I devoutly hope you mayn't be deceived,' thought
Newton. ' If I don't double up any of my brother sportsmen,
I shall have achieved a success.'
* Well, that's my budget. You'd better be thinking about
dressing, as it's half -past eight. We are early people in the
country, Mr. Dogvane;' and with a nod Mr. Bowers left the
room.
Newton thought it would not do to allow his friends to
expect too much of him ; and it would be as well to dispossess
his friend's mind of any such expectations at once. Accord-
ingly he remarked, as if in continuance of the conversation
* No, I'm not a very good shot that is, not much of a one.
I can hit a standing mark very well.'
' Eh ! what ? ' said Ned, looking up sharply. 'Oh, I suppose
you mean you are pretty good with the rifle. Yes, I've seen
many good rifle-shots indifferent in the field.'
Newton saw he had made some great mistake, and fearing
to commit himself further, he held his tongue, and allowed
himself to be judged by default. After this Ned retired to his
own room, and, their toilets being completed, they descended.
56 NEWTON DOG VANE
CHAPTER VIII.
MUSIC, LIGHTS, AND LADIES
NED drew his friend through the room, which was toler-
ably filled with company, and introduced him to a cheerful,
pleasant-looking elderly lady his mother, Mrs. Bowers
and then turned away to speak to some one. Newton felt
awkward amongst so many strangers ; he was a little em-
barrassed ; his tie his collar his gloves something or
other felt in the way. He tried to say something accept-
able about the rooms, but Mrs. Bowers put it on one side ;
generalities were not her forte.
' Now, Mr. Dogvane, as an old schoolfellow and friend of
my son's, I intend you and I to be great friends before you
leave us ; but, in the meantime, a young lady's society will
be preferable to an old one's. Don't say no. It's perfectly
natural, though I thank you for your politeness, and will be-
lieve that you may tolerate me at some other time. But now
you must dance, and do your devoir to some fair damsel, like a
gallant cavalier. Dear me ! the very sight of a light-hearted,
joyous dance always does me good. I wish it was the fashion
to dance the minuet ; I declare I would actually show these
young caperers what we used to do in our days. But such
very violent whirling and twirling does not suit me. 3 In !
ha ! we can't expect our children to be as grave as ourselves,
Mr. Dogvane,' and the cheerful old lady laughed heartily.
Now, by one of those strange coincidences, it did happen
that Newton, some two years before, having to take a part in
a charade, had actually learnt a minuet, which he danced in
character on the occasion ; and his master, an elderly French-
man, who had bestowed no little pains on him, pronounced his
performance of it as passable ; so Newton jokingly remarked
that, if Mrs. Bowers wanted a partner for a minuet, he should
be only too delighted to be allowed to be her cavalier on the
occasion.
' Nonsense, Mr. Dogvane ; you don't mean to say that you
MUSIC, LIGHTS, AND LADIES 57
can dance a minuet/ said the old lady, glancing for a moment
at his figure, which was slight and not ungraceful.
1 Indeed, but I do,' quoth Newton.
At this moment a young lady came up and said, with a
slight lisp
' Mamma, whereth Captain Steventh ? Tharlotte is au
desethpoir.'
1 Silence, you minx,' said the old lady. ' This is my youngest
daughter, Cecilia Little Mischief, we call her, Mr. Dogvane.'
Newton bowed. * Here's Mr. Dogvane actually offering to
be my cavalier in a minuet, Sissy ; and positively I've half a
mind to oblige him, if it's only to show you that what you
call dancing is nothing but vulgar racing and galloping.'
1 Oh, Ma ! what fun ! You must dance a minuet. You
shall dance one. Besides, you really do it so very gracefully,
Ma. Oh, I'm determined you shall dance one ! ' and away
hurried Sissy.
' There, Mr. Dogvane, you have spoilt my peace of mind
for the evening, and you must get me out of the scrape. Of
course, I was only joking. But I'd better get out of the way,
or nothing short of a minuet will satisfy that mischievous
puss. Charles,' she continued to a gentleman who was pass-
ing, ' this is Edward's friend, Mr. Dogvane my brother
Charles. Will you see that Mr. Dogvane gets a partner ? '
and she bowed, and turned away.
The gentleman whom she had introduced Newton to was
a tall, thin, weather-beaten-looking man, with a scar on his
left cheek-bone, which he had received while following his
vocation in the trenches before Badajos.
' Friend of that young puppy's, eh ! ' said Uncle Crabb r
eyeing Newton all over. * Ah ! ' staring at him over his
spectacles. ' I see. Order, Cockney; genus, gent. How d'ye
do, sir ? Pleased to know you. At least, when I say pleased,
don't take that as a compliment which is only an unmeaning
form of speech. Come down to show us how to dance, and
shoot, and so forth, I suppose ? I've seen many of your sort
laughed at for their pains.'
This was pretty well for a first introduction. Newton
thought so too.
* I hope your criticism may prove incorrect,' he said. ' I
don't pretend to much skill as a shot ; and it is not my fault,
you know, if I am a Cockney ; I didn't choose my birthplace.
58 NEWTON DOG VANE
But even had I done so, I don't know that I should have
altered it. The "gent," however, I repudiate.'
1 What d'ye wear such a coat as that for then ? ' asked the
old gentleman, pointing to Newton's worked silk facings.
1 Hem ! ' coughed Newton, a little nettled and colour-
ing slightly. * What do you wear such a coat as that for 1 '
pointing to Uncle Crabb's square-cut skirt, and turning the
tables.
' Confound your impudence ! ' said Uncle Crabb, evidently
more pleased than offended. ' To be sure, mine is a little
square-cut, but I don't like to give up an old fashion.'
* Then why do you want me to give up a new one ] ' retorted
Newton.
' Hem ! ehem ! Here, Charley ! ' and Uncle Crabb caught
a young lady who was passing by the wrist, and drew her
towards him. l Let me introduce Mr. Dogvane to you. My
eldest niece, Mr. Dogvane, Miss Bowers. Young Cockney,
chock full of conceit, my dear ; go and take some of it out of
him. Don't get spooney on her, Dogberry ; she'll only laugh
at you, and she's as bad tampering with as a hand-grenade.'
4 Let those laugh who win,' thought Newton, as, with
this strange introduction, he took Miss Bowers' arm within
his, and walked down the room. She was a splendid girl,
that Charlotte Bowers, with those magnificent eyes of hers,
her fine bust, and long thick glossy hair. Ay, she looked
and walked every inch a queen. And what a melting liquid
voice she had ; what a clear musical laugh ; what pungent
wit. How she could pick either friend or foe to pieces,
until it would have been impossible for all the king's
horses and all the king's men to have set them together
again to your satisfaction. Newton was dazzled and asto-
nished. A quadrille was forming, and he got into it some-
how ; he felt nervous and agitated, and, what was worse, he
showed it. The belle of the room and such a belle, too!
What should he begin to talk about ? for Miss Bowers did
not look entirely pleased.
* Very warm,' said Newton, as a matter of course. Now it
was not very warm ; so his partner looked at him with some
little surprise, and then said
1 Indeed, I don't find it so.'
* Ah, ah 1 I meant very cold,' said Newton, confused.
* Indeed, 1 don't feel that either.'
MUSIC, LIGHTS, AND LADIES 59
Newton was shut up; he retired within himself, like a
telescope or an alarmed snail.
1 Uncommonly decided sort of young lady,' thought Newton,
as he strove hard to hit upon the right topic.
' Fond of dancing, Miss Bowers 1 ' asked Newton, making
a mistake in the figure at the same time.
1 Yes,' answered Miss Bowers, 'when I've a good partner.'
This was so atrociously rude, that Newton was rolled over
like a rabbit whittled with small shot.
Miss Bowers felt that she owed an amende ; so she asked
Newton ' if he was fond of the country, and whether he did
not find it a great change 1 ' This induced a little conversa-
tion on the relative merits of town and country, during
which a remarkably handsome, well-dressed man, with a
heavy moustache and soldierly air, who had been talking for
a minute or two to Mrs. Bowers, made his way to Charlotte's
side.
'Miss Bowers, may I hope for the pleasure of the next
waltz 1 '
Miss Charlotte's eyes glistened, and her colour deepened a
trifle ; but she answered with strange perversity
'Thank you, Captain Stevens; I am engaged to Mr.
Dogvane. Captain Stevens, Mr. Dogvane a friend of my
brother's.'
Captain Stevens became aware of Mr. Dogvane's presence,
and Mr. Dogvane was distinctly conscious of Captain Stevens's.
They smiled an alligator-like smile. The Captain could have
devoured Newton, and Newton could have kicked the Captain
with all the pleasure in life, as Charlotte's fine eye rested on
him with an expression of kindness for a moment. Poor
Newton ! he little knew to what he owed that glance. The fact
is, the Captain was late and Miss Bowers tiffed.
A waltz struck up. We have said that Newton was doubt-
ful about his waltzing, and, had he had time to think over it,
he would have tried to back out of the honour so unexpectedly
bestowed on him. But Charlotte's hand was on his shoulder,
and off they went. The first two or three turns Newton
succeeded in beyond his expectation, for Charlotte was an
unexceptionable waltzer; but then he missed step, trod on
his partner's toe, kicked her shin, and finally was hurled, in
his confusion, out of the circle, by the dashing, rushing,
meteor-like Captain, who had obtained another partner,
60 NEWTON DOGVANE
and was darting hither, thither, here, there, everywhere,
with perfect precision.
'I think we had better sit down,' said Charlotte, in utter
disgust at having been beaten at her own game.
* Indeed,' said Newton, ' I think so too ; I am extremely
sorry that I attempted to waltz, not being very good at it.'
'Pray, don't mention it; it is not of the least conse-
quence,' answered the beautiful girl. ' My sister, Cecilia
excuse me one moment Sissy, dear, will you take my place
one moment?' and Charlotte, with a slight bend, glided
away. Miss Sissy took her seat with all the coolness in life,
and commenced a conversation with Newton as easily as if
she had known him for months. There was no mauvaise
honte about Sissy.
' Mithter Dogvane ! the minueth ficth'd for the first
dance after supper. You'll have to do it, tho you'd better
make up your mind to it. There'th Tom Tharp, with her
Ladythip and the Baroneth, hith thithterth.' But as it is
easier to talk in a lisp than to write, or rather read in one,
our readers will bear in mind that Sissy does lisp, which will
be sufficient for our purpose. ' We call them,' she continued,
1 her Ladyship and the Baroness, because they are so awfully
grand. Now, directly any one is introduced to him, or he
meets an acquaintance, he begins to run down all the other
girls in the room says they look ill, and what a pity they
sit up so late reading novels, or some such stuff. Very ill-
natured, isn't it ? Stay now see how I'll serve him out ;
I'll shut him up. Here, Ted ! ' to her brother, who was
passing with a lady on his arm a fair, retiring-looking girl,
with chestnut hair and very blue eyes, who had been stand-
ing near Newton and Charlotte during the quadrille. ' Here,
Bessie ! ' said the young mischief-maker ; * come here such
fun : I'm going to shut up Tom Sharp, only I want a wit-
ness or two.'
The couple turned towards them.
* Mr. Dogvane, my sister Bessie,' said Ned.
A quiet lady-like bow was the response. What very
M no eyes! How clear and honest they were! Newton
thought Bessie not only pretty, but well, never mind what,
he thought. They were a good deal together during the
evening.
'Well, what is it, Sissy?'
MUSIC, LIGHTS, AND LADIES 61
'There's Tom Sharp, Ned.'
' I see him.'
* He's coming towards us, and he'll say " how ill Charlotte
and Bessie are looking." '
' Very likely; it won't be the first time by a score.'
'No. Then he'll say how well his sisters look, what a
get up theirs is, and all that. Now I'll have a bit of fun.
You and Mr. Dogvane, sit here. Come along, Bessie ; ' and
drawing her sister off, away slipped Sissy, just as the gentle-
man in question came up. He was a vulgar, insignificant-
looking little man, of revolutionary principles, with red hair,
which was always apparently standing up for its rights.
' How de do, Bowers ? How de do ? By the way ' (sinking
his voice), ' how very ill Charlotte and Bessie are looking ! Is
there anything the matter ? Charlotte is so very pale ; and,
dear Bessie do you know, if I were you, I should insist upon
her taking cod-liver oil ? Finest thing in the world for '
' Dear me ! I hadn't noticed.'
' Oh ! everybody is remarking it everybody. It makes
me quite melancholy.' Ned here, as was expected, intro-
duced his friend. ' How well the girls look to-night, don't
they ? ' putting his head a little on one side, and looking like
an elderly jackdaw at two tolerable-looking girls of affected
manners who sat on an ottoman hard by. ' How well they
do get up ! I've seen a few girls in their war-paint in my
time, sir ; but the way those girls do do it, when they mean
doing it, is, you know, astonishing.'
All this was said with an occasional glance at Newton.
He was angling for the new man. A new man was a con-
sideration to the Sharps ; as Sissy would say, ' they could
not afford to lose an opportunity.'
Sissy and Bessie here approached.
' Oh, Mr. Sharp ! I'm so glad to see you ; I've been
longing to ask you what is the matter with Gerty and
Louise ? They do look so ill, I declare I'm quite alarmed.
Can I get them anything ? Don't you think a bath, some
hot water, or something? Gerty turned quite green just
now as I was standing by her, and you know that's just as
they say she did before she had the shingles last year. Can I
do anything 1 Do advise them to let Dr. Sardine see them.'
' Eh ! what ! 'pon my word, I really don't see. I was just
saying that eh ! I don't observe it.' He looked at Sissy,
62 NEWTON DOG VANE
but Sissy was as grave as a judge. Bessie was looking with
great earnestness at a picture, but there was just the
faintest twitching about the corner of Ned's mouth ; and Mr.
Sharp, muttering something about c engaged, polka, partner,'
made his escape, feeling, as the least possible indication of a
titter reached him, that he had decidedly missed ' the new
man. 7
Captain Stevens and Miss Charlotte had at length arranged
matters more satisfactorily. Captain Steven s's regiment was
in Canterbury. He was evidently something more than
the mere friend of the house ; and he was a real captain,
a handsome captain, and a man of good fortune. He was
one of the most accomplished men in London. He could
ride, fence, shoot, dress, dance, sing, and talk better than
Newton had ever seen any private individual do either.
He was, in ladies' society, a Paris, an Apollo ; in men's, an
uncommonly good fellow a Crichton at all games, and a
graceful, all-accomplished athlete. Had Newton thought of
entering the lists against the Captain, it would have been
utterly hopeless ; but Bessie's quiet manner and lively, well-
informed conversation were rapidly effacing any impression
her more showy sister's charms had made on Newton.
The party went on as most parties do. Charlotte, after a
time, was induced to sing ' just one song,' which she did.
Sissy, having ascertained by glancing at a portfolio left by
Mr. Sharp in the hall what the Baroness's last new song was,
had communicated the interesting intelligence to her highly
accomplished sister, who, as a matter of course, happened to
have it. What was there new or pretty in that way which
the Captain did not take care to bring her ? Of course she
happened to choose that very identical song, and sang it with
a taste and style which left no room for rivalry, but snuffed
out the Baroness completely. ' Though really,' as Sissy said,
* the poor old Baroness had a very nice voice indeed, and
sang charmingly when you could hear her.' But the great
thing of the evening was the minuet. They were determined
to have it ; so as soon as the first waltz after supper was com-
pleted, the old lady and Newton had no rest until they stood
up to perform. Newton was, of course, in some little trepi-
dation, as when he had danced it before he did so to a roomful
of friends, with all of whom he was on the most intimate
terms. Moreover, his partner and himself bud rehearsed it
A DAY WITH THE LONG TAILS 63
at least twenty times. Now almost every face was strange
to him, and the applause which greeted them helped to render
him a little confused. After the first step or two, however,
he recovered his equanimity, and, as Ned said, ' went to work
at pointing his toe and squaring his elbows like one o'clock.'
But to mark the air of antique grace, the serious courtesy, of
the dear old lady herself, and the way that they bowed, glis-
saded, advanced, and retreated,' was a marvel to remark. It
was a great thing; and Newton gained immense xvdog with
the young ladies, who looked upon him as a most self-sac-
rificing and obliging young fellow. Mr. Bowers thanked
him warmly. As for Mrs. Bowers, to say that she was
delighted when she said 'she liked a little bit of fun like
that dearly,' would not have been saying half enough.
Even Uncle Crabb smiled grimly ; and Ned, slapping him
on the back, said * he was a deuced good old cock. ; But
the praise which he prized most was Bessie's, who said,
as she thanked him, ' that she had not seen mamma so cheer-
ful for months ; and she really believed that Mr. Dogvane
had put half a year's life into her, and done her more good
than all the doctors.'
CHAPTER IX.
A DAY WITH THE LONG TAILS
BREAKFAST. It was a rule at Mr. Bowers' that, barring ill-
ness, every member of his family should appear at breakfast
in proper morning costume ; and a very excellent rule it is.
There was no down-at-heel, slipshod, unkempt, one-stringed
untidiness at Mr. Bowers' breakfast-table. His family might
sit up as late as they liked, and they might go to bed again
after breakfast if they chose, but at breakfast he would have
them neat, clean, and wholesome. If a woman looks lovely by
waxlight in gorgeous evening costume, how much more lovely
and lovable is she in her neat morning dress clear as driven
64 NEWTON DOG VANE
snow as she sits at the breakfast-table before the hissing urn.
Trust me, a woman can, if she chooses, be more dangerous to
a man's peace of mind in the morning than in the evening, if
she only knows it. The papers made their appearance, letters
were read and answered, and the gentlemen separated to pre-
pare for shooting. Newton went up-stairs, put on his plaids,
and, having sufficiently admired himself in them, descended
and passed the breakfast-room window on his way to the
stables in search of Mungo. Uncle Crabb was standing at the
window ; Newton's radiant plaid caught his eye.
* Ay, ay ! why, what's this ? ' he exclaimed. ' A rainbow,
by Jove ! '
' A rainbow ! ' said the young ladies, incredulously.
* A rainbow ! ' repeated Captain Stevens, Mr. Bowers, and
Ned, all at once, and each hurrying to the window to view
the phenomenon.
' It's either a rainbow or a very brilliant species of horti-
cultural curiosity,' said Uncle Crabb. ' Surely the gardener
hasn't been striking out something new in hollyhocks.'
* Horticultural, decidedly,' said Captain Stevens, looking
over his shoulders. ' Why, really, Ned, I do think it's your
friend Dogberry.'
' Dogvane ! ' said Ned, markedly, feeling a little nettled, but
laughing in spite of himself.
* Dogvane, certainly ah ! Couldn't you prevail on the
gardener, Miss Charlotte, to cover him up with a bell-glass ?
Decided ornament to the middle bed there.'
* For shame, Captain Stevens! you really are too bad; and
you ought to know better than to do so, Uncle Crabb. Edward,
why do you let them make fun of your friend 1 ' said Bessie,
trying hard herself to repress a laugh. While Newton, uncon-
scious of the amusement he was creating, moved off in search
of Mungo.
The party assembled black, grey, and sober green. New-
ton felt himself conspicuous, and not altogether at his
'Very pretty plaid that, Mr. Dogvane what do you
call it?'
1 1 believe it is called the Macdoodle tartan,' said Newton,
shortly.
* Very likely. Let me advise you, if you go anywhere in .n
Ilolm Close or the Ponds, "to beware of the bull," ' said
A DAY WITH THE LONG TAILS 65
Uncle Crabb, as lie ascended to his seat in Captain Stevens's
cart. Newton said nothing, but blushed deeply; and as the
young ladies were looking at them from the window, he got
out of sight as much as possible behind the dog-cart, which
was waiting for Ned and himself, and pretended to be very
busy over Mungo, who was once more committed to the in-
terior of the cart, but this time in company with a setter of
Ned's, instead of a turkey. Possibly the arrangement was
not quite so much to his taste ; for a series of short fights
commenced, interspersed with snappings and growls. William
jumped up behind, and, administering a few vigorous kicks
and pokes from time to time to the belligerents, kept them
a little in order. Uncle Crabb and the Captain were already
well ahead of them, and the delicate scent of their cigars hung
on the sharp morning air. How enjoyable is the short drive
which takes you to your sport on a fine November morning,
with a good day's shooting in prospectu, in company with a
pleasant party, over covers you have never shot before ! Ned
was in high spirits, but somehow Newton was fidgety. He
knew that something was expected of him, and he also knew
that it was not in him. He did not know what he was to do
with Mungo. He knew that l To-ho ! ' was a proper thing
to say to him upon some particular occasion ; but what that
occasion was he did not know. Then the plaid, which that
mendacious clothier had informed him ' was all the thing,'
he had found out to be ' not the thing at all,' but a subject
of marked surprise to his sporting friends. He lighted a
cigar ; let it out ; lighted it again ; threw it away ; kicked
Mungo, who was biting his trousers, and who instantly com-
menced worrying them in good earnest, and would have
treated himself to a mouthful of the Macdoodle, had not Ned's
setter taken the opportunity to create a diversion by biting
Mungo's leg, who forthwith renewed the combat with his
fellow-traveller; and another fit of tousling, biting, and growl-
ing took place, in the midst of which they turned in at a
lodge gate, and, after some half a mile's drive through a per-
fect shrubbery of rhododendrons, they drew up before a hand-
some country-seat. Dealmount was situated on a slight
eminence. In front of it, a sparkling river ran between
smooth green banks, where, on fine summer evenings, Ned
occasionally persuaded a two or three pound trout or so to
test the virtues of the white- coated ' coachman ' or an enlarged
66 NEWTON DOG VANE
edition of the ' alder.' Behind the house, and stretching far
away in the distance, were the well- wooded covers of Deal-
mount. The grounds appeared to be well laid out and looked
after. Keepers and grooms were leading away the newly
arrived conveyances, coupling dogs, putting together guns,
and filling shot-pouches, &c. A stout, jolly-looking gentle-
man was shaking hands with Captain Stevens and Uncle
Crabb; five or six other gentlemen, equipped for shooting,
were lounging in and out of two open windows, smoking or
doing cherry- brandy, ale, or other drinkables, which were dis-
pensed to them by a plethoric butler.
Sir John Yasey was a bachelor Baronet liberal, hearty,
and free a perfect specimen of a country gentleman. I don't
mean of a bumpkin, for he had taken honours, was a very
well-informed man, and a perfect prince of good fellows a
kind landlord, a thorough farmer, an excellent neighbour, and
a first-rate sportsman. He had chosen his role, and had never
felt any inclination to alter it. In the seasons, he hunted,
shot, or fished three days in the week ; the other three he
devoted to his estate, his poorer neighbours, and his magis-
terial duties. Our friends got down, and after shaking hands
with the jolly-looking gentleman at the door, Ned introduced
his friend, Mr. Dogvane a gentleman from London, desirous
of signalising himself in Sir John's covers to Sir John Vasey.
Sir John looked at Newton with rather a quizzical expression
of countenance, but shook hands with him, and welcomed him
warmly.
Newton began to look about him ; he became conscious that
he formed a point of attraction, or rather observation, to the
gentlemen at the window. More blacks, greys, and greens
not a single plaid beyond the simplest shepherd plaid among
them ; and he felt more strongly than ever that plaids were
anything but ' the thing,' as he overheard Mr. Buncomb, the
head-keeper, remark sotto voce to Mr. Bateman, the butler,
* It was the first time he ever see a snuff-shop out a-shootm','
alluding to the Highlander who previously presided at snuff-
shops.
They entered the room, where were fragments of an
extensive breakfast, to which one or two gentlemen wero
still devoting themselves. But, as they had already bi
fasted, Newton took nothing but one small glass of cherry-
brandy.
A DAY WITH THE LONG TAILS 67
' Now, gentlemen/ said Sir John, ' this is a mixed day. We
shall shoot some of the small outlying coverts and spinneys
and pick up a few partridges en route, and there is a big lot of
beans that was hardly worth cutting, where there are always a
lot of birds ; so if you are ready, we will make a start ; ' and,
after holding a short conference with Mr. Buncomb, he said,
' Mr. Wilson and Mr. Chamney had better take the lower
side of Coverly Dean will you shoot with Captain Stevens,
Charles ? I think you had better.' Uncle Crabb nodded, and
carefully adjusted his specs. ' Then you had better take the
upper side. Neddy, my boy, where will you shoot ? '
1 1 think,' answered Ned, with a glance at Newton, who
was handling the Lancaster in rather a doubtful manner,
* Dogvane and myself had better take the outside*
1 Thank you,' said Sir John, with a curious glance in the
same direction; 'thank you so you had.'
Mr. Buncomb gave a great sigh, as if a heavy weight was
taken off his mind by this arrangement.
' Buncomb,' said Sir John, turning sharply 011 that digni-
tary, 'have the goodness not to repeat that remarkably
impertinent and offensive noise.' Mr. Buncomb looked
foolish, and, to speak figuratively, put his tail between his
legs, and marched to the rear to the huge but secret de-
light of some of his under-satellites, one of whom grinned,
and whispered to another that ' Buncomb was winged.'
Sir John then gave directions to the other division of the
party, and off they started, Buncomb leading Mungo and the
setter in a string, while a well-trained retriever followed at
his heels. Sir John walked with our two friends possibly
he foresaw some fun in Newton.
* Don't you shoot, Sir John ? ' asked Ned, seeing that the
Baronet carried no gun.
'Not to-day, Ned; plenty without me,' said the good-
natured host. ' Besides,' he continued, ' I sprained my wrist
slightly yesterday.'
They crossed a stile. The parties separated, each couple
of gentlemen taking an under-keeper with them.
Before our party lay a strip of turnips.
' Birds here,' said Mr. Buncomb, loosening the setter's
collar, and then pulling Mungo (who had been straining at
the string till his eyes were almost starting from his head)
over on his back, and giving him a smart whack with an ash
68 NEWTON DOG VANE
stick by way of remonstrance. Mungo got up, sulkily enough,
and shook himself, but he regarded Mr. Buncomb henceforth
with an evil eye ; however, he bided his time.
It was a beautiful morning for shooting. The slight hoar-
frost had yielded to the sun, and the turnips were a trifle
damp. Indeed, before we go any further, we may mention
that the trifle increased as they walked on, and Newton's
plaid, not being of fast colours, soon presented a singular
appearance from the knees downwards.
They drew the strip of turnips blank.
1 Too wet not off the stubble yet,' murmured Buncomb.
'I think Buncomb's right,' said Sir John. 'The birds
are still on the stubble. No, there they are' the setter
had stopped at the hedge.
'In the stubble, for all that,' said Buncomb, 't'other
side o' the hedge.'
At this moment there was a loud report of a gun some
two fields off.
' Ha ! ' said Sir John, ' there goes the Captain, opening
the ball with his 24-pounder.'
' Then somethin's gone'd to grass, or I ain't no profit '
(Buncomb for prophet), said Mr. Buncomb. ' The Capt'n do
shoot owdacious well with that large bore of hisn.'
' Now, Mr. Dogvane, look alive forward,' said Sir John.
' There are the birds. Follow Ned through the gap.'
It was all very well for Sir John to say, * Look alive.'
As it was, ' Newton only looked nervous. ' There are the
birds, eh ? ' thought Newton, who expected to see something
similar to a flock of geese on a moor. 'I wonder where
they are; and how they know that they're there. - I'm
sure I can't see them.' He had been walking some twenty
yards apart, and had not noticed the dog; and, as he
passed to the gap, he now for the first time saw the setter
standing at the hedge like a statue, some forty yards down.
He had never seen a dog make a point before. ' Dear
me ! ' he said, ' how he stares ! Look at that dog. There's
surely something the matter with him. He's in a fit.
He must be. That's it. Ned, Ned,' he called to his friend,
who had just struggled through the hedge, 'Ned, here's
your dog in a fit. Hadn't Mr. Buncomb better run home
for a handful of salt. They say it's a good thing for a dog
in a fit.'
A DAY WITH THE LONG TAILS 69
Newton had heard so, at any rate, and resolved to show
off his knowledge.
There was a slight whirr, a ' Confound it ! ' from Ned,
and a roar of laughter from Sir John and Buncomb, in
which, after a moment of vexation, Ned joined heartily, as
the birds got off untouched.
' Ha, ha, ha ! a fit ! ' said Sir John.
' Ho, ho, ho ! a fit ! ' said Ned ; ' capital ; yes, a fit ! oh !
to be sure ! '
* Well,' said Mr. Buncomb, repressing his mirth, ' if that
ain't the best I ever did hear ! O Lor ! '
' Well, but,' said Newton, looking in astonishment from one
to the other, ' wasn't he in a fit ? I never saw a dog look so
strangely in my life.'
As if to disclaim any trace of indisposition, the setter, after
snuffing at the hedge once more, came trotting up to them as
orderly as possible, to Newton's surprise.
* Got over the attack safely and pro-vi-dentially,' said Mr.
Buncomb.
' Well, but wasn't he, you know ? ' repeated Newton, turn-
ing from one to the other.
Sir John was trying to recover his gravity ; Ned was still
laughing ; and Mr. Buncomb answered
1 Well, ye see, sir, when they has them sort of fits,
which I 'opes you'll see the dogs often troubled with to-day,
it's as well not to holler too loud, 'cause the birds don't
like the sound of the voice nohow; and unless we fetches
some o' that salt you spoke on, and can get to drop it on
their tails, I'm very much afeared we shan't catch many
on 'em.'
* Never mind, my dear sir ; it's of no consequence. Pray
excuse my rudeness. Buncomb, hold your tongue,' said Sir
John. ' But, really, the notion was so very original that
ha, ha ! yes, a fit ! I beg your pardon.' And Sir John
speedily enlightened Newton on 'the point.'
' Bless my soul ! what a fool I am,' thought Newton, ' and
what an ass and a muff they must think me. I wish I'd
stayed at home.'
They had not proceeded far when the setter, who was
ranging over a little bit of rough stuff, dropped suddenly.
' Nuther fit, sir,' whispered Buncomb to Newton. ' Look
out.'
70 NEWTON DOG VANE
' Come on, New,' said Ned ; ' it's of no use trying to
get round them. They won't break easily, and we shall
only be wasting time.' And Ned walked straight to the
dog.
A loud whirr ; bang, bang, went Ned's two barrels ; and
Newton saw an indistinct vision, through the smoke, of
certain small brown objects skimming away over the next
hedge, before he could well recover his surprise and excite-
ment.
* Did you hit any of them ? ' asked Newton.
The retriever came walking up, bearing a partridge in his
mouth.
' Why didn't you fire ? ' asked Ned, as he was re-loading.
' Me 1 Oh ! I didn't see them soon enough,' answered New-
ton, blushing.
' Didn't see them soon enough ! Why, it wasn't above a
twenty yards' rise. How much sooner do you expect to see
them in November ? '
' Well, I don't know, but they flew up so very suddenly, and
flew away so very swiftly, and there was such a whirring,
that I '
* Ah ! that's a way they've got.'
* And a werry puzzlin' way, too, to young 'ands,' added Mr.
Buncomb.
' I believe you,' quoth Newton.
* Bad shot, Neddy,' said the Baronet ; 'you didn't kill either
of the birds clean; the one you've got was a runner, and the
other one is dead in the hedge.'
' Never can shoot with this gun,' answered Ned.
'Then what do you shoot with it for? pshaw ! The gun
is good enough you shot behind them both, and if you were
shooting at Blue Rocks in a wind, you wouldn't kill two in a
dozen. Take Nep, Buncomb, and retrieve that bird. It's
about thirty yards to the right of that holly-bush.' And
away went Buncomb with Nep, and in a few minutes returned
with the bird.
Meanwhile they had reached the cover-side. It was a thin
one, and they walked it, and shot after shot was heard within.
' Hare gone up rabbit to the left 1 mark ! mar-r-r-k !
over.' Whirr, crash, rattle, bang ! Hares, rabbits, pheasants,
scurried away in all directions, but mostly forwards, though
a few old cocks doubled.
A DAY WITH THE LONG TAILS 71
A cock-pheasant comes sailing out, and falls a lifeless lump
to Ned's fire another rushes up into the air out of the ditch
at Newton's side, the sun shining and glittering on his plum-
age. The noise it makes quite scares Newton for a moment,
who doesn't recover himself till the pheasant is well out of
shot, when he fires both barrels, the second at about 150
yards. It is needless to say it was untouched.
'That's a werry good rule o' yourn, sir/ said Buncomb,
who had watched the performance with interest, ' not to fire
at 'em too close, 'cos, you sees, if you fires at 'em too close,
you blows 'em all to pieces.' Newton only wished he could
have the luck to blow one all to pieces, he'd be quite content
to pick him up by instalments.
* You let him get a leetle too far, New,' said his friend, with
a smile. * Hit or miss, blaze at them a little quicker.'
And now the fun within grew fast and furious. Scarcely a
minute elapsed without the roar of two or three barrels, when
1 Mark cock ' glorious sound ' mark ! mar-r-k cock ! ' and
three barrels, one after another, followed the announcement.
' Mark cock ! mar-r-k ! '
' Close at hand, by Jove ! look out,' and the bird came
shooting through the tree- tops, as fair a shot as man could
wish for. Bang bang went both Ned's barrels at him,
without apparently rumpling a feather as the bird sped on.
1 Too quick ! ' said Sir John.
Newton, of course, had never seen a woodcock on the wing,
and was watching the flight of the bird without the most
distant intention of firing at it. It seemed an absurdity, an
impertinence for him to fire.
* Blaze at him, New ! What are you about ? ' sung out Ned,
directly he saw he had missed the bird, which was now a good
fifty yards off. Newton hastily raised his gun and fired ; his
eye was still on the bird. So quickly did he pull, indeed, that
the gun was hardly home to his shoulder, and the consequence
was a severe kick, by way of a reminder from the Lancaster
to hold it tighter another time. Newton dropped the butt of
the gun on the ground, and rubbed his shoulder after accom-
plishing this feat, forgetting all about the cock in the momen-
tary pain ; but a ' Well done, by Jove ! ' from Sir John, and
' Wiped all their noses, by Jingo ! ' from Mr. Buncomb, ap-
prised him that something extraordinary had occurred. And,
indeed, something very extraordinary had occurred ; for the
72 NEWTON DOGVANE
Lancaster, apparently disgusted at the want of skill on the
part of its present master, seemed as if it had taken the matter
into its own hands, and thought proper to send an ounce and
a quarter of 6's exactly in the right direction, for down came
the cock as dead as a stone. How it was done, of course New-
ton couldn't make out. He couldn't take much credit to him-
self for it, so he rubbed his shoulder and said nothing ; though
Sir John slapped him on the back heartily, and pronounced it
1 A deuced good shot, sir ; ' for the possibility of demolishing
a cock by accident never crossed his brain.
Ned looked a little foolish, and Buncomb's organ of respect
veneration, I believe the phrenologists call it became much
more fully developed towards Newton. Two or three brace of
pheasants, a hare or two, with half-a-dozen rabbits, were dis-
posed of, Newton firing with the greatest regularity, without
adding anything but noise to the sport.
'Come along, lads,' said Sir John. 'They're almost
through the cover, and there's a large patch of beans at the
end, which I left standing for the sake of the sport. It was
a thin crop, and hardly worth cutting, and I expect it will
be as full of game as an egg is of meat. It's the cream
of the day. Buncomb, take in the dogs ; we must beat it
carefully and silently. We'll form a line about twenty
yards apart, and walk it down. The six guns will about do
it, Buncomb, eh ? '
' Jist the thing, Sir John,' answered Buncomb, as he tied
up the dogs.
They got over the hedge, and found three of the other four
gentlemen just coming out from the cover. The proposed line
was formed, and they were waiting for Uncle Crabb, who
was retrieving a wounded hare and they were upon the point
of entering the beans when a hare, which lay hidden in the
grass, jumped up under the dog Mungo's nose, and went
scampering off through an angle of the beans for the cover.
Mungo, of course, made a dash at it, and of course was pulled
over with an ' Ah ! would yer ? ' by Buncomb, and received
another smart whack or two from the 'bit of ash.' This
proceeding was not in accordance with Mungo's ideas of pro-
priety ; but he took his thrashing without a growl or a yelp.
The first step was taken into the beans, when a loud yell burst
from the lips of Mr. Buncomb. 'O Lord! oh, my!' screamed
that functionary. They looked round Mungo had got
A DAY WITH THE LONG TAILS 73
him by the calf of the leg. He had fallen behind the un-
suspecting Buncomb, and when well behind he chose his
place, and deliberately, and with malice prepense, fixed Mr.
Buncomb.
' Leave go, yer cussed warmint,' roared Buncomb. ' Oh,
won't I jist pay yer for this 'ere ! ' and Mr. Buncomb, drop-
ping the string, seized the ash in both hands, preparatory to
doing his best towards the splitting of Mungo's skull. But
no sooner did he drop the string and raise the stick, than
Mungo released his hold, and vanished into the beans after
the hare.
' Confound that dog ! he'll play the deuce with the shoot-
ing,' said Sir John. ' Hi here ! after him, Buncomb ;
bring him back.'
* 'Ord dang un ! ' said Buncomb, as he caressed his wounded
limb. * I doan't want no more to do wi' he.'
Uncle Crabb was standing on the bank ; he had but just
made his way through the cover, and was to take the nearest
place along the cover-side. He had not seen the above little
episode ; but he now saw Mungo tearing through the beans
towards the gap he was standing in.
1 Whose brute's that? D n the dog! he'll play Old
Scratch in the beans. Go back, ye brute. Hoy, Mr. Mr.
Mr. Rainbow, here's this beast of a dog of yours ; call him
back.'
' Mungo ! ' shouted Newton ; ' Mungo ! Ah ! ah ! come
here.' But Mungo merely nourished his tail, and travelled
the faster.
' Here, old dog ! Poor fellow! Here, then ! Here, poor
old doggy ! ' said Uncle Crabb, in the most winning tone.
But Mungo had * eaten stick,' as the Turks say, and wasn't
going to be coaxed and ' poor-fellowed ' out of his liberty again
in a hurry ; so he stopped and looked at Uncle Crabb out of
the corner of that evil eye of his, and, as Uncle Crabb ad-
vanced, holding towards him the hare he had shot, and using
the most enticing endearments, Mungo hesitated. The hare
looked tempting ; but he could not quite make up his mind.
So, as Uncle Crabb advanced, he backed a little, distrustful
of the tempter's ulterior intentions. * I wish to goodness I
could get hold of that string!' thought Uncle Crabb. 'I
wish I could get hold of that hare without that suspicious-
looking chap's getting any nearer to me ! ' thought, or rather
74 NEWTON DOGVANE
looked. Mungo, still backing astern. It was evident that
Mungo wouldn't bite he was a shy fish ; he wasn't going to
be caught. So Uncle Crabb lost all patience, and hurled the
hare at Mungo's head with a strong anathema. Straight to
its mark went the hare, and with such force and correctness
of aim, that, catching Mungo on the side of the jowl, it knocked
him head over heels. With a slight yelp Mungo picked him-
self up, and started off at score right up the very centre of
the beans, flushing the pheasants by dozens, while all sorts of
game went whirring and scurrying away in every direction.
A pleasing chorus of shouts, mingled with sundry oaths, were
sent after him, above which Newton's frantic 'Mungo ! Mungo I
Ah, you brute ! Ah, you beast ! ' could be plainly distin-
guished. How savage they were, and how dreadfully annoyed
and upset Newton was !
* If you'd only have shot .the beast, Mr. Crabb, I wouldn't
have minded a bit.'
' I she'd think not ! ' said Mr. Buncomb, holding his leg,
and winding a handkerchief round it ; ' / she'd think not.
You'd a ho wed Muster Cha's a debt o' hinfernal (qy. eternal)
gratitood, and so she'd I. I'm sure I she'd a considered
as I wos dreadful hobligated to hany gentleman as had
ridded me of anythink half so half so d nable ! ' con-
tinued Mr. Buncomb, winding up his oration under the influ-
ence of excitement.
* There's another, and another, and a brace more ! There
goes a leash two cocks and a hen ! My eye ! what a pity ! '
said one of the under-keepers.
' Mungo-o-o-o,' roared Newton, almost tearing his hair.
' Mungo-o/ roared the keepers.
* Mung-o-o-o-o,' shouted the shooters ; and the whole field
shouted * Mungo' till it was black in the face, without pro-
ducing the least effect upon that contumacious animal.
It was rare fun to Mungo, this ' beating the beans ; '
and he rushed up and down backwards and forwards
crashing away, until there was hardly a head of game left
in the beans. As to standing at anything ! He had about
as much idea of it as an Australian dingo. The only
notion he at all entertained of game was, that it was some-
thing or other constructed for the amusement of dogs ;
that it ran away when pursued, and, if caught, would
doubtless prove good eating. But Mungo had done his
A DAY WITH THE LONG TAILS 75
worst, and, indeed, his last piece of mischief; and Buncomb
was avenged. Having finished the beans off to his entire
approbation, he charged the hedge which separated them from
the cover. The string by which Mr. Buncomb had held him
was still flying loosely about in the air ; it lapped round a
branch, and, instead of alighting on his legs, he hung by his
neck and broke it.
'Sic transit gloria Mungi, and a good job, too,' as Uncle
Crabb remarked, when his lifeless corpse was found hanging
in the hedge. 'Would you like to have him stuffed and
put in a glass-case, Mr. Rainbow ? '
The cream of the day was skimmed. They lunched, and,
under the influence of the hearty good ale and a soothing weed,
they finally forgave Newton, as he seemed so very sorry while
they chaffed him. They condoled with him upon the loss of
the truly invaluable Mungo; and although Newton's brow
lowered at his name, it was not for the loss of Mungo. No.
He didn't care twopence about that ; he hated the very remains
of Mungo with a fervent hatred, and only wished he had hung
himself half an hour sooner. He grieved not at his demise ;
but, like ' Tubal Cain,'
' He was filled with pain
For the mischief he had done.'
And he took their chaff so well, so good-hum ouredly, and
seemed so concerned at the spoiling of their sport, that even
Uncle Crabb said
' Never mind, Rainbow ; it doesn't signify. Take another
glass of ale, and wash down your disgust. By the way,' he
continued, ' what became of that cock ? Did you stop him,
Ned?'
4 No, sir,' answered Ned.
* Let him get away, eh ? Bah ! I always thought you a
muff.'
'Never mind,' answered Ned; 'somebody else missed him
as well as I.'
' Oh ! I only viewed him through the tree-tops quite
seventy yards off.' *
* It's a very strange thing ; but the author has always remarked that
a cock is invariably seventy yards off when he is missed, and very often
when he's killed. It's a sort of distance they choose for the purpose of
being shot at, he supposes, as he can't account for it in any other way.
76 NEWTON DOGVANE
1 1 suppose you had a fair shot ? '
Ned nodded.
' Deuced provoking,' continued Uncle Crabb, ' for the first
cock of the season to get away from six guns.'
I Oh ! but he didn't get away ; we bagged him.'
' Why, who stopped him then ? '
Sir John pointed with his thumb to Newton, who was
sitting next to him. Uncle Crabb's eyes dilated.
' Never ! You don't mean that ! ' and he rose from his
elbow, on which he was leaning, to the full length of his
arm, with astonishment.
I 1 do, though. As clean and as quick a shot as ever you
saw in your life. "Waited for him till he was just the
right distance eye on the bird up gun snap cool as a
cucumber.'
* Well, I am capital ! I thought he was coming a bit of
the old soldier over us ; and if it hadn't been for the un-
accountable possession of that most impracticable and incom-
prehensible cur, which has just committed suicide, one could
understand it. So you shot the cock, Mr. Mr. Rainbow ? '
turning to Newton. ' Here's your health, and may you live
to shoot hundreds.'
Newton's success went a long way towards obliterating
Mungo's failure, for the present, at any rate, and compliments
were bestowed on him. It was of no use for him to say it was
chance. Who ever shot a woodcock by chance ? Nonsense ;
thoy wouldn't have it.
Lunch was finished, and shooting recommenced ; but the ale
had somehow disturbed the accuracy of their aim, and there
was a good deal of shooting for a small result.
* Never knowed much good done arter lunch and strong
ale,' said Buncomb.
Nevertheless Newton managed to accomplish the wish he
had formed in the morning ; for a pheasant getting up close
to him, he let drive at it at about ten yards' distance, and liter-
ally blew it all to pieces a proceeding which did not elicit from
Mr. Buncomb, who lingered behind, the applause it deserved
and Newton expected. But Mr. Buncomb discovered a hare
in a hedge, in a spot where hares always arc found the middle
of a good-sized holly-bush, some three feet from the ground.
Newton pulled at the unconscious innocent, 'sitting,' as he
called it, and knocked her over ; and, on rushing to pick it up,
A DAY WITH THE LONG TAILS 77
found it to be the skin of a newly slain Sarah, neatly distended
with dry grass a time-honoured old practical joke, which, of
course, caused the usual amount of laughter. And perhaps
there wasn't a little more chaff at Newton's expense about
' shooting hares in a tree, ' &c. Nothing further of consequence
occurred ; and they reached Dealmount without any mishap.
The bag consisted of 27 brace of pheasants, 32 hares, 23 couples
of rabbits, 3 brace of birds, a wood-pigeon, and the cock. The
other party, which consisted only of four guns, beat them by
about twenty head, thanks to Mungo.
A sporting dinner followed, during which the various inci-
dents of the day were discussed with humour and gusto. Much
good wine was disposed of. Mr. Bateman was in his glory ;
his calves shone, his cheeks and chin quivered, and his nose
blazed like a beacon as he placed the dry port or superb
Madeira lovingly before them.
Mr. Buncomb received a salve for his sores in the shape of
a piece of gold, which raised his opinion of Newton very
much indeed.
' For/ he said, ' if the gen'leman worn't no sportsman, he
were a gen'leman ; ' and he whispered to Newton, ' that tho' he
couldn't give him a day in the covers like, altogether himself,
yet if he were going to make a stay, and liked to walk round
with him as he went his rounds, he'd soon teach him how to
shoot, with a little pracfo'se, besides puttin' him up to a few
dodges in warmin' ketchin', badger drorin', &c.' an offer New-
ton gladly availed himself of, so that before he left Crookham
he and the Lancaster became much better acquainted, and Mr.
Buncomb had promised to break a pup of one of Sir John's
favourite bitches expressly for him, because ' he knew now,' as
Mr. Buncomb said, ' how to treat a dog, likewise wot wos a
dog, and what worn't only a cur.'
Newton was not very good at the bottle * little and good '
being his motto so he indulged in only a limited portion of
wine ; but we regret to say that his friend Edward was not
equally prudent, for when he got into the dogcart at eleven
o'clock, he put the reins into Newton's hands, saying
* It sh'all righ, o? fla shold maya nosherway. Shrate on,
an' mine sh-shaw-pit.'
After which he lighted a cigar, and fell asleep simul-
taneously. The cart stood ready to start, and as Newton
clambered to the driving-seat he hummed an air.
78 NEWTON DOG VANE
' Bravo, Mr. Dogvane ! ' said the Captain, as he took the
reins of his own cart. * Give us a song as we trot home.
Keep close behind me, and keep to the right going round the
corner ; there's an awkward saw-pit there. And now sing
away like a wood full of nightingales.
Thus encouraged, Newton, with an occasional word of advice
from William, who was taking care of his young master, kept
the mare's nose up to the Captain's cart, and sung a song, and
that right lustily, and then the Captain sang and the moon
shone bright, tipping the bare twigs and the tree-tops with
silver, and the tramp, tramp of the horses' feet beat time to
the music.
1 He who wears a regimental suit
Oft is as poor as any raw recruit,'
sang the Captain. ' Ah ! ' thought Newton, ' he can afford
to sing that, for he has lots of tin, but he wouldn't like to
hear it if he hadn't. Never mind, he's not such a bad fellow
though.'
Then they had a duet the only one Newton knew without
the music ' All's well,' of course ; and they did it with such
effect, that they woke Master Neddy, who, hearing some sing-
ing in progress, burst out into a loud moan ; very loud at first,
but dying away in a tremulando movement towards the end,
under the idea that he was greatly assisting the chorus and pro-
moting the harmony. After which, he became silent and pro-
foundly contemplative and philosophic. But being well nudged
and shaken by William and Newton, he shook off his som-
nolency and became talkative quite bright and spry indeed
towards the end of the journey, and as he got up-stairs some-
how, he informed Newton, who was on the landing-place below,
in a loud confidential whisper, that ' he'd made it awl awl
right for a day's shack fish'n t'morr.' He then kissed one
of the maids who was passing with a candle, and told her that
he was sorry to see his friend so intoxicated, and she was to
take him a ' botl o' sora-warr irra mornin',' and wake him up
early enough to go ' shack fish'n with him t'morr.'
STORM, SUNSHINE, AND JACK-FISHING 79
CHAPTER X.
STORM, SUNSHINE, AND JACK-FISHING
1 1 WISH we could get up those four-part songs,' said Char-
lotte Bowers, on the ensuing morning, as they sat at break-
fast.
* We could manage the glees,' said Captain Stevens, ' for
Mr. Dogvane sings very nicely.'
Newton blushed, and, although he disclaimed the * nicely,'
he allowed that he did sing a little now and then, but only
for his own amusement.
' Ah ! if you sing for your own amusement, you must sing
for ours, you know,' added Bessie, with a bright smile.
' Then we will get up some trios ; and we might even
manage a quartette, with Bessie's assistance,' said Charlotte.
1 1 do wish you would try and sing, Edward. He really
has a nice voice, Mr. Dogvane,' she continued, 'if he'd only
practise.'
' I don't think Edward's singing this morning would be very
much calculated to afford any one much pleasure,' said Mrs.
Bowers, with intense dignity and a sharp glance at Ned. Ned
had a slight headache, and a small appetite for breakfast, and
looked decidedly the worse for the sporting dinner of the clay
before.
The young ladies coloured, looked down, and said nothing ;
and Ned crimsoned with shame and conscious guilt.
* Listen to me, sir,' said his father, laying down the paper.
' I have no objection to your enjoying yourself to the very
fullest ; shoot as much as you please at Sir John's ; eat, drink,
and be merry how you will, so that your merriment be tempered
with some small share of wisdom ; but when a son of mine
degrades himself from the position of a gentleman by making
a beast of himself, I am penetrated with the deepest concern,
sir the deepest concern. What must your mother and sisters
think of you ? What must your friend, Mr. Dogvane who,
8o NEWTON DOG VANE
I am pleased to see, is a young gentleman of good habits and
perfect discretion what must he think of you 1 '
Mrs. Bowers left the room ; Charley and Bessie followed in
tears ; and then Sissy, saying to herself, as she went, ' My !
poor Ned what a wigging ! '
' I did not expect it of you, Ned I didn't, indeed ; ' and
the poor old governor, clutching nervously at the paper, got
up and went to the window. But the prospect was dim
very dim. There was something in his eye that made the
window appear like ground, or rather wavy, glass. Newton,
Uncle Crabb, and the Captain looked at one another. Had
a shell fallen amongst them, it could not have produced more
dismay upon their countenances. Ned fidgeted for a moment,
looked as if he were about to say something, bolted it, got up,
and stalked from the room. No one spoke. In a few minutes
Newton rose and followed him.
'You are rather hard on the lad, Edward,' said Uncle
Crabb.
' I am equally hard upon myself, brother Charles.'
< It's the first time, Ned.'
4 And I trust the last, Charles.'
The Captain walked out on the lawn, and lighted a cigar,
like Uncle Toby, whistling ' Lillibullero ' to himself. Uncle
Crabb stole up softly to Ned's room. Bessie was standing at
the door, apparently hesitating whether she should enter or
not. There were voices within. Uncle Crabb drew his arm
round Bessie's waist, and they stood at the door the rough
old Veteran and the shrinking Lily.
'No, no, no, Newton,' said the voice of Ned, vehemently,
'don't say another word, I can't bear it; I never was so
spoken to in my life and before the girls and everybody !
It's too bad, too cruel ; I won't stay in the house another
hour, I'm determined.'
< Don't be foolish, Ned,' said Newton ; * listen to me, there's
a good fellow ; don't do a rash thing, which you may ever
after bitterly repent of.'
' I'll go, I'm resolved. No, my boy, don't speak not
another hour.'
' Where will you go, Ned ? '
' Where ? I don't know anywhere, away from this. I'll
enlist as a common soldier, and be off to the East. My mind's
STORM, SUNSHINE, AND JACK-FISHING 81
made up ; I won't stay. I can't think how the gov ver
nor could do it,' sobbed poor Ned.
Bessie made a motion towards the handle of the door, but
Uncle Crabb restrained her.
* Do you think it cost him no effort ? Do you think it
didn't cut him to the heart to do it, Ned? Think a
moment.'
* It was deu ced cue-cruel of him, I know that,' said
Ned.
'Will you take my advice, Ned? the advice of an old
friend and schoolmate. We were boys together, you know ;
and I can't advise you, if I wished to, in any other way
than for the best the very best, Ned. You may trust your-
self in my hands.'
Ned sobbed, but did not answer.
1 Look here, old fellow. Swallow your pride, and go down
to him in a manly, straightforward way, " Here I am, sir.
I'm deeply sorry to have committed myself and you as I have
done. I'm ashamed of myself, and promise to put a restraint
upon myself in future, and I ask your forgiveness." There's
nothing to be ashamed of, Ned, nothing mean in asking
your governor to forgive you. It's meaner, in my mind, to
run away and leave a whole heap of sorrow behind you.'
But Ned didn't answer a word ; pride battled strongly.
' Shall I tell you what I saw, Ned ? I saw the governor
looking out of window, evidently to hide his own emotions ;
and I saw a big salt tear drop down on the window-sill.
You don't know, old fellow, what that tear cost him. Your
father ! think of that, Ned. Hang it, don't sob so ' (Ned
was sobbing convulsively), ' or you'll set me off as well as
yourself,' whined Newton.
'You're a deuced good fellow, New; I wish I was like
you. I'm a precious rip a scoundrel.'
' No, no, nonsense ! you're nothing of the sort ; only
you've got your pride, and your your monkey up.'
1 I'm ashamed of myself. Poor old governor ! Hand us
that towel, and I'll go down directly and square it.'
The Veteran and the Lily stole away from the door, for
they did not wish to be caught listening.
'I don't think, Lily,' quoth the Veteran, 'we can give
him better advice than that.'
82 NEWTON DOG VANE
A shower of tears, falling like dewdrops from the Lily,
was her only answer.
* Cockney or countryman, it don't much matter, so that
the heart's in the right place,' said the Veteran, as he
kissed the Lily, and left her at her own chamber- door.
After a few minutes Ned came out, and went down into
the breakfast- room. Mr. Bowers was still standing at the
window. Father and son were there alone for about twenty
minutes, when they came out, and walked arm-in-arm upon
the lawn. Newton watched them from his bedroom win-
dow. Evidently the reconciliation was perfect ; for in a few
minutes Ned came bounding up-stairs, beaming with delight,
and happy as a bird.
* Newton, old fellow, it's all right. I took your advice,
and I'll never forget the good turn you've done me this day,
for I was as near bolting off and 'listing as possible. I told
the governor all ; and we are better friends, if possible, than
ever.' And it was evident that Ned had told his father all ;
for when Newton descended to the door, where the dogcart
was waiting to convey them to the ponds, Mr. Bowers, who
was standing by it, superintending the stowing away of a
large basket, supposed to contain an extensive lunch, took
him by the hand, and, wringing it warmly, said
'Thank you, Mr. Dogvane thank you. Your kindness
and excellent advice to my son Edward has given him back
to me.' And Uncle Crabb, who arrived at the door at the
instant, was about following suit, but checked himself, as
a demonstration of that kind would have betrayed that he
had been listening ; and although in this instance there was
nothing mean in the act, still he didn't like it somehow.
The Captain here put in an appearance ; and rods, tackle,
&c., being all ready, they took their seats and drove off.
Newton felt in such spirits, he really couldn't tell why.
Perhaps it was that his friend was once more reconciled to
his father, and through his advice ; perhaps it was that he
thought (but this was the merest fancy) that he saw a pair
of bright eyes looking kindly on them from an upper window ;
and although they seemed to take in the whole of the cart
and its occupants, yet (fancy again) he could not help think-
ing, if a right line had been drawn between the said eyes and
the said cart, that while one end rested upon the eyes, tho
STORM, SUNSHINE, AND JACK-FISHING 83
other would have pierced the peak of his own particular plaid
cap. Conceited donkey ! eh, young ladies ?
It was a good jack-fishing morning, dark and windy, and
both Uncle Crabb and the Captain, who were staunch disciples
of Izaak Walton, prophesied good sport. The Captain took
his gun, for ducks were supposed occasionally to visit the
ponds, and they were sure of a moorhen or a coot, and per-
haps a snipe or two.
They soon arrived at the ponds, which consisted of two
largish sheets of water one communicating with the other
by a trap ; the nearest of them, which was the largest, being
some four or five feet above the other, and banked up by a
kind of causeway. It was fringed with rushes and reeds,
which ran out into the pond for several yards at one end, and
here the largest jack were supposed to be. Three or four
small islands were scattered about, some near the shore, some
far out in the middle ; some with a tree or two and a few
low bushes, the others bare. A small stream fed the ponds
and ran out at the further end, and, falling into another
small stream further on, the two fed the trout stream at
Dealmount.
Mr. Buncomb was seen walking towards them with a large
bait-kettle in one hand and a landing-net in the other; his
retriever at his heels'.'
' Mornin', gen'lemen.'
* Good morning, Mr. Buncomb. Any chance of sport to-
day ? ' asked Uncle Crabb.
' Hem ! ' quoth Buncomb, looking at the sky ; ' ye med, and
ye medn't. There's never no sayin'. Fish is the contrariest,
obstinatest, and unaccountablest things as swims. Still they
ort fur to bite. Here's some nice lively baits I ketched this
mornin' in the stream below.' And Mr. Buncomb opened
the kettle and showed some dozens of good-sized dace and
gudgeon, ' all alive oh ! '
' 'Pon my word, they are excellent,' said the Captain. * Bun-
comb, you are a prince of providores.'
' Yes ; they're tidyish, Captain ; and if you only catches
a jack for every one on 'em, it's my opinion that this 'ere
kettle won't 'old 'em.'
' No ; nor that boat either. Any ducks about yet ? '
1 There wos three kipple on the upper eend this mornin'.
84 NEWTON DOG VANE
Likely they're in the reeds now. Anyhows, there's a few
snips round the other side on that boggy bit by the stream.'
' Yery well ; then I'll walk round while you get my tackle
ready. Come along, Nep ; ' and Nep followed the gun in-
stinctively fishing not being, to his mind, a pursuit worthy of
the notice of a dog who was anything of a dog. The Captain
stopped for a minute to load his gun and light a cigar.
* It's werry odd now as that 'ere dog won't take to fishin','
said Buncomb ; * his mother was an uncommon hanimal in
that line. I've knowed her set and watch my float for 'ours ;
and if I warn't by when there come a bite, in she'd go arter
the float, and take 'old on it with her teeth, and she wouldn't
leave it till she pulled fish and all ashore. Oncet I set her to
watch a trimmer, while I poled across the pond to look at a
duck's nest ; I hadn't been gone ten minutes before I see her
jump right down off the bank, and I knowed a fish had struck.
The fish was a 'eavy one sixteen pound and too much for
the dog, for it most pulled her under water ; but she wouldn't
leave go of the trimmer ; and such a pully-hauly there was as
you never see. Sometimes she'd get the best on't, and some-
times the jack'd make a roosh, and down went her 'ead under
water, and if I hadn't a come up in the boat just in time
when I did, that 'ere dog 'ud 'a been drowned to a moral.'
* Mr. Jesse an acquaintance of yours, Buncomb ? ' asked
Uncle Crabb.
' Never see or hear of the gen'leman, sir,' answered Bun-
comb.
'That's a pity,' said Crabb.
* Werry likely,' said Buncomb.
' What do you think of that anecdote ? ' asked Newton.
Uncle Crabb looked doubtful, and said 'Bunkum.'
' What shall I put on for you, Captain ? '
' Spinning tackle. You'll find some traces in that box.
Put on a good-sized dace, and let it lie till it gets stiff ; it'll
spin better,' and the Captain, shouldering his gun, once more
whistled to Nep, and the pair went off in company.
Buncomb was busy for a while with the Captain's rod and
tackle.
' By the way,' said Ned, 'what sort of a hand are you at
jack-fishing, Newton ? I know you are a fisherman ; but
are you up to this ? '
STORM, SUNSHINE, AND JACK-FISHING 85
1 Well, no ; I can't say I am much of a hand at it, though
I am very fond of fishing.'
' We'd better put Mr. Rainber on a live bait then,' quoth
Buncomb, looking up.
Uncle Crabb and Ned looked at one another for a moment,
then at New, and finally laughed heartily. Newton looked
rather red and angry, slightly disgusted.
'This gentleman's name is Dogvane, Buncomb,' said Ned.
'I'm sure I begs the gen'leman's parding. I thought I
heerd Misser Cha's call him Eainber yesterday.'
1 So you did, Buncomb,' answered Crabb. * But I don't mean
to call him so any more, and beg to apologise to him for ever
having done so. It was only a stupid allusion to the rain-
bow plaid, which I prophesied would prove attractive to the
Squire's bull. By the way, I hope that bull is shut in to-
day, or he may take it into his head to spoil our sport.'
* Oh, yes, sir ; he's shut in right enough. I see to that my-
self. Ye see, mas'r's had two or three rows with the Squire
about that 'ere bull ; but the Squire's a bullyin', braggin', low
sort of a feller, and swears he's a right to graze here and per-
haps he has ; and ye see, mas'r don't like to be at loggerheads
with his neighbours, though it's difficult to keep out on 'em
with some folks ; and if we got to rowing, he mightn't choose
to shut him up at all, which would be a pretty "start" when
we've got a fish in' party. At other times I don't so much
mind it, for that bull's better nor a dozen keepers to these
ponds, and saves me a deal of trouble ; for not a poacher dares
come nighst 'im since he broke that scamp Joe Reek's collar-
bone and punched two holes in his trousers, not to mention
half drowning of him, as he wur a settin' some night-lines.
No, no ; he's all right enough, I'll answer. Oh ! you're a
goin' to spin too ? '
* Yes,' said Uncle Crabb, holding up a most horrible and
deadly-looking apparatus a series of triangularly placed
hooks, to which he was attaching a large gudgeon.
' And what'll you do, Master Ed'ard ? '
1 Well, I don't know, Buncomb ; spinning seems the order
of the day, and Mr. Dogvane is going to live-bait ; so I've a
good mind to fish either with a gorge or to catch perch.'
' Oh, bother perch ; I likes a gorge myself. Jack takes a
gorge when they air on the feed, as well as a spinnin' bait ;
86 NEWTON DOG VANE
and when they air hooked, why they air, and there's no losin'
'em like there is at spinnin'. No, no, I'll rig you up a gorge
in a jiffy, if you've got ar a bit o' silk 'andy.'
Just then the Captain's gun was heard, followed by the pit-
pit-pitting of the shot on the water, and five ducks appeared
above the reeds, and, after scouring and whirling round and
round for some time, made for the further end of the other
pool.
* Hum ! the Captain's potted one on 'em ; wonder why he
didn't fire t'other barrel,' said Buncomb.
The other barrel went off, and ' scape, scape,' went a couple
of snipe, as they flew up further, and further up, till they
were lost in the blue air.
* Oh ! ' said Buncomb, ' I s'pose he'd only got snip-shot in
t'other bar'l. There's ould Nep a swimmin' in arter the
duck, and there, the Cap'n's picked up summat. Snip I
reckons. He do shoot. Ah ! he do shoot, Mas'r Ned ! I
wish I could get you to shoot like the Cap'n. I never see
but one as shot as well as the Cap'n, and that's the Hem-
peror, your guv'nor, Mas'r Ned, and he used to shoot a bit.
Ah ! above a bit ! Lor ! J ow he used to floor 'em with that
werry gun you shot with yesterday.'
' Very odd,' answered Ned ; ' I never can shoot with it.'
'That's cause you don't 'old it as the Hemperor'd used to.'
Bang, bang, went the Captain's gun, and the * scape ' of a
single snipe was heard over the pond. Meantime Mr. Buncomb,
although he talked, did not neglect his work, and arranged
the tackle, put baits on, &c.
* Fish round the edge first eh, Buncomb ? ' asked Uncle
Crabb.
* If you please, sir ; then we shan't disturb the pond if we
launches the boat. You two gents go on, and I'll set Muster
Dogswun in the way, as he ain't werry good at it ; ' and Ned
and Uncle Crabb took their ways to their separate beats.
Newton had put his rod together and got his line out, &c.
&c., and Mr. Buncomb, putting a heavy cork float about a yard
up the line, tied a gimp hook on to the end, and slipped the
hook through the nose of a good-sized lively dace.
'Now, sir, you throw in like that, jest hopposite that island;
and when you sees a run, let him 'ave it as long as he likes,
so as to gorge it.'
STORM, SUNSHINE, AND JACK-FISHING 87
Mr. Buncomb suited the action to the word, and threw out
the bait, and handed the rod to Newton, who stood anxiously
watching his float as it sailed about, drawn hither and thither
by the bait. Presently down went the float with a dash ;
and Newton, as he had always been accustomed to in his fish-
ing experience, struck directly. There was a slight resistance,
and then the bait came up by itself, terribly mangled and cut
about, as if it had been slashed by a razor.
* What on arth ! Lor, sir ! you maun't strike like that !
Give 'em time to pouch. Jacks don't bolt a fish at the first go.
You must give 'em time, say six or seven minutes, and let 'em.
go wheres'ever they choses. Look ye here, sir. If you don't
mind my 'oldin' the rod for a minute, just till I 'ooks one, I'll
show ye,' said Mr. Buncomb, as he tossed the dead bait into
the water, and fixed another on the hook.
'Well, I did mean to give him time, but I was rather ner-
vous, and struck without intending it,' answered Newton.
Mr. Buncomb threw in the bait again, near about the same
spot.
' That must have been a very large fish to have mangled
the bait like that,' said Newton.
' That don't f oiler,' said Mr. Buncomb, as the float once more
disappeared ; ' a jack o' three or four pounds 'ud a sarved it
just as bad.'
' There's a bite ; he's got it again,' said Newton, in an
agitated whisper.
' Ah ! I sees 'im,' answered Buncomb, paying out line with
his hand, as the fish sailed off towards some weeds with its
prey. Having reached them, it remained quiet. Presently
up came the float with a bob. ' Rat the beggar !' said Bun-
comb, ' he's left it. Your pullin' at him has scared him a bit ;
not as how as that 'ud matter a bit if he was 'ungry ; for I've
knowed 'em jump clean out of the landing-net, arter they was
most killed, and carry off hook and all, and then come and
get cotched ten minutes arter. They arn't to be stalled off
with a scratch when they're 'ungry.'
The hook came up minus the bait.
' Cut it off, eh ? ' said Buncomb. * Artful warmint ! Now
I'll just sniggle him.' And Mr. Buncomb hooked the next
bait on by the back-fin, and placing the bait in the water at
the edge of the pond, gave the jack time to dispose of his cap-
88 NEWTON DOG VANE
ture, while he lighted his pipe, looked sternly at the weed,
and nodded gravely, as much as to say, ' You're there, are you,
my buck ? See if I don't pay you out now.' Gathering up
the tackle, he threw in again, and the jack had evidently only
just whetted his appetite ; for scarcely had the float taken up
its position, when it disappeared in the same direction as
before, and again remained still, after taking out a yard or two
of line. This time, however, the float stopped for a minute or
two under water, and a few shakings and jerkings at the line
told that the jack was wreaking his vengeance on the unfor-
tunate dace, preparatory to swallowing it. Presently all was
still; the line then began to move slightly, and Buncomb,
raising the point of the rod with a smart tug, * had him/ as he
said, * under a sewere course o' steel.' The top of the rod bent
smartly, and the fish plunged violently. Buncomb handed the
rod to Newton ; and, after a fair resistance, and a due amount
of rushing here, there, and everywhere, Newton, according to
Buncomb's directions, shortened in line, and the fish was
hauled, rather than led, towards the landing-net, his extended
jaws grinning horribly at them, and shaking savagely to and
fro across the line as Newton pulled his head above water.
With a glow of intense delight and satisfaction, with every
nerve thrilling with excitement, such as only a young angler
feels over his first large capture, or the more advanced one
over his first salmon, Newton saw his victim within the meshes
of the net, and then drawn from his native element to the
shore, still kicking and plunging.
Captain Stevens approached just as the fish was landed.
' What a beauty ! what a splendid fish ! Isn't he a noble
fish, Captain Stevens ? ' asked Newton, rapturously.
* Nice, well-fed little fish,' said the Captain, turning it over
as it lay kicking on the ground, with the utmost sangfroid;
* about four pounds, I should say. Eh, Buncomb ? '
* That's about his calybore ' (calibre ?), answered Buncomb,
searching for his knife. * We must cut this 'ere 'ook off, and
put on another ; the brute's swallered it, and a disgorger ain't
no use.'
' Little fish ! ' said Newton, his face depicting decided dis-
appointment at the Captain's coolness. As for Nep, he merely
smelt at the fish, which gave him a slap on the nose with its
tail, and elicited a low growl from him. After this little per-
STORM, SUNSHINE, AND JACK-FISHING 89
formauce Nep turned away and sat down, taking no further
notice of it. Even lie did not appear to think it anything
extraordinary.
1 Lord bless you, sir ! that ain't nothin', that ain't,' said
Buncomb, tying on another hook. ' There's some here as '11
weigh six of him, if not seven. I knows there's one or two
as '11 go 'andy to five-and-twenty pounds weight, if not more.
There ye are now, all ready again. Chuck in just by that
eend o' the island ; the water's deeper there. It goes off werry
shaller towards t'other eend 'tain't above three foot there, so
it's no use trying that ; but you'll find nine or ten foot below.
I sees Muster Cha's has something 'eavy there, by his 'oldin'
up his 'and. I'll just run and lend him a 'and. Your rod's
at your fav'n'fe cast round that pint there, Capting ; ' and the
Captain, wishing Newton good sport, walked off towards it,
while Mr. Buncomb hastened off to Uncle Crabb's assistance.
Newton threw in his bait as soon as he was left by himself,
but nothing came of it. After waiting some time, during
which he saw Mr. Buncomb and Uncle Crabb land a largish
fish in the distance, he drew his bait gently along the top of
the water, resolving to try the water further on. Just as he
was passing a sort of little gully or inlet, which was fringed
with reeds, he heard a splash, felt a slight tug at his line, and,
on turning sharply round, he saw the dull green and white
form of a large fish, evidently bent upon making off with his
prey. Newton had lowered the point of his rod, which was
over his shoulder ; but the fish did not seem to require any
line, for he lay quite still close to the rushes. The float was
on the top of the water, but showed by its frequent bobbings and
shakings that the foe was still busy some three or four feet
below. Oh, how Newton's heart did beat during those two
or three succeeding minutes ! It was no use his saying to
himself, ' New, my boy, be calm. Don't be flurried. Take it
coolly.' He couldn't be calm ; he couldn't help being flurried ;
and as to taking it coolly, his hand trembled so, that the very
line and rings rattled against the rod as if old Hickory had
been seized with the ague. He had seen what seemed to him a
perfect monster. (The water possesses most singular magni-
fying powers, there is no doubt of that. We have seen a fish,
that weighed at least ten pounds in the water, reduced to less
than half that size upon changing its element ; and if, by any
90 NEWTON DOGVANE
good luck upon the fish's part, he manages to prevent that,
to him, undesirable change, we are quite unable and afraid to
say how many extra pounds he carries away upon his already
overloaded carcass.) Still, that Newton's fish, in prospectu,'
was a large one, was pretty certain, and Newton waited, watch-
ing his float in a state of considerable excitement and perturba-
tion. At length the fish moved, and up went the rod with
a smart stroke. There was a slight pause on the part of the
fish ; he was evidently hugely surprised. What the dickens
was that sharp, tickling, unpleasant sensation in his throat ?
It couldn't be the back-fin of a perch ! No for Monsieur
Pike hated perch with a fervent hatred, and never chose his
dinner from that species of fish when he could help it. A
drag, followed by a choking feeling, as if his stomach was
being pulled up into his throat. ' Hallo ! I shan't stay here
to be treated in this way. Here, come, let go, can't you ?
Oh ! well, then, look out for squalls ! I'm off.' And away
he went towards the middle of the pond ; and Newton, for
the first time in his life, heard the glorious music of the reel.
Ring ! rattle ! whirr ! and having made a good thirty yards
rush, he stopped and appeared to consider ; then, as if he was
determined to see what it was that caused him such annoy-
ance, he turned round and shot back to the place he came
from ; and there he might have seen possibly he did see
a huge two-legged creature, clad in a gorgeous coat of divers
colours, very red as to his face, with a generally agitated
appearance, endeavouring to reel in the loose line, at the end
of which was that confounded little barbed toothpick, which
began to cause him such desperately unpleasant sensations.
But an auxiliary was at hand. The fish was sailing sharply
along the shore, and Newton was still endeavouring with
trembling, and consequently bungling fingers, to reel in the
loose line, as he followed him up when from behind there
came a loud unearthly roar. He turned his head over his
shoulder, and there he beheld, some fifty or sixty yards off,
but bearing straight down upon him, a large and savage bull
tail up, head down, fire in his eye, and his whole appear-
ance evincing a strong desire to become speedily and more
nearly acquainted with that rainbow plaid than was alto-
gether satisfactory to its wearer.
It was of no use hesitating ; as to facing such a beast as
STORM, SUNSHINE, AND JACK-FISHING 91
that, it wasn't to be thought of for one moment ! (We have
heard sundry tales about facing bulls, and awing them by
the majesty of the human eye. It may have been done,
we don't dispute it, although we can't help having our own
opinion that it is an ocular delusion. At any rate, when run
at by bulls, which has happened once or twice, we never felt
any inclination to try the experiment, but invariably bolted
as hard as our legs moderately long ones would carry us.
Humiliating, no doubt, but we got safe off.) The bull was
before, every stride bringing him closer and closer ; half a
minute, or even less, would do the business ; the pond was
behind ; Newton must make a swim for it. If he could reach
the island, there was a tree he could easily climb into, in case
the bull took the water. It wasn't above thirty or forty yards
off. 'Here goes, then,' thought Newton, and he forthwith
plunged into the pond ! it did not come above his waist. He
glanced round, and he found by good luck that he had chosen
the shallow, which Buncomb had noticed as not being above
three feet deep; so he struggled on at a half run for the
island. The bull, at the sudden disappearance of his enemy
behind the reeds, made a slight pause, which Newton, of
course, took what possibly in the bull's eyes was a ' mean '
advantage of, to increase his distance from the shore; so
that when the bull trotted slowly up to the edge of the pond,
he beheld the object which had so attracted his attention
dashing and splashing away, more than half-way across to
the island. Again he paused, tore up the turf with his
horns, and bellowed with rage. Newton gained the bank.
As he scrambled out he looked back, and saw the bull
apparently just sounding the depth of the water with his
forelegs.
' By Jove, he's coming after me,' thought Newton ; ' so,
as it seems there's no safety on earth or water, we must try
the air, and do a bit of climbing.'
Fortunately again, the tree was easy to climb, and Newton
swung himself up from branch to branch, until he was well
aloft and out of all danger ; and the bull, when he emerged
from the water, found that his prey had again escaped him,
and stood looking about with a remarkably puzzled expression.
Finding himself safe, Newton began to pelt him with twigs
and broken pieces of stick, which had the effect of causing
92 NEWTON DOG VANE
him to make a rapid tour of the island ; during which Newton,
on looking down, saw his rod, which he had only quitted
when he was about to mount the tree, leaning against an
overhanging branch. The top was within reach, and he
suddenly remembered the famous fish which that confounded
bull had doubtless been the cause of his losing. However,
as the bull in his vagaries might run against the rod and
break it, he thought that he might as well draw it up out of
harm's way ; so, reaching down until he got hold of the top,
he gradually, with some trouble, pulled it up until he got
hold of the butt. He commenced winding in the line there
was a good deal of it run out but after winding in a few
yards, he came tb a full stop. The fish had hung himself up
in a large bunch of weeds, which he distinctly saw move as
he pulled at it ; and was it possible ? No ; yes. There it
was again; a tug, and no mistake about it; the fish was
on still. Oh, if he could only get down ! But there stood
that beast of a bull, occasionally giving a low bellow, and
evidently waiting for him.
But relief was at hand. The Captain had seen the whole
adventure the punt was at no very great distance and
wisely considering that it would be decidedly the best mode of
approaching the scene of action, he stepped into it with his
gun, and poled away for the island. As he approached it,
he laid down the pole and loaded his gun one barrel with
snipe-shot; the other, in case the first should not prove
sufficiently persuasive, with No. 2's.
'Can I do anything for you?' he said, smiling at the
figure Newton cut in the tree.
* If you can manage to poke or rake away that weed there
I think I've got a precious great fish on.'
The Captain pushed towards the weed and took hold of the
line, to see in which direction it was fast; there was no
doubt the fish was on, as the violent swaying of the weed
indicated ; so, taking care not to hook the line, the Captain,
by throwing the anchor out beyond it and dragging it slowly
in, managed to sever the connection between the weed and
the bottom. A huge lump of the weed and rush now floated
up, and he pulled away as much as he could ; but a consider-
able bunch still remained on the line, and the towing of this
about very soon brought the pike to a standstill.
STORM, SUNSHINE, AND JACK-FISHING 93
' Shorten in all you can/ said the Captain. Newton did
so. ' First time I ever saw a fish played from the top of a
tree. Bather awkward, isn't it T
' Confoundedly,' answered Newton. ' I can't get the rod
up properly.'
* Never mind ; I think he has devoured his last dace. Faith !
he must be uncommonly well hooked ; I wonder he didn't twist
off, though he couldn't break you, because the weed is too
buoyant to afford him a fair pull. Ah ! he's a good fish. I
wish Buncomb and his landing-net were here/ continued the
Captain, making ineffectual efforts to get at the fish. 'I
really don't see how we can land him without towing him
ashore in some shallow place ; for this troublesome weed pre-
vents my getting at him fairly/
1 That would be the best way/ said Newton from the tree ;
' and if you'll just give the bull a hint to be off, I'll come
down, and you can take me on board.'
* Just so/ said the Captain, coolly cocking his gun. ' Don't
keep too tight a strain on the fish, or hell break you even
now ; for he's still strong. Let him tow that bunch of weed
about. Now let's see. We'll try the effect of snipe-shot at
thirty yards first. Friend Taurus, your presence is no longer
desirable ' and the bang of the Captain's gun was followed by
a loud roar from the bull, who rushed in a frantic rage round
and round the little islet, crashing through the brushwood,
and finally dashing his horns against the tree with such force
as to make it tremble again ; but he did not leave the island.
* Hem ! ' said the Captain again. ' They say persuasion's
better than force ; we've tried persuasion, now we'll try force ; '
so pushing the boat a few yards nearer, he let the bull have
the full charge of No. 2, hot and strong, in the region of his
tail. It was too much ; beef couldn't stand it ; and, with a
tremendous roar and a frantic rush, he dashed into the deepest
part of the water, and swam to the mainland, bellowing with
pain and fury. Arrived there, he did not stop for a moment,
but, scrambling out, went off at a high gallop, with his tail
stuck out like a pump-handle. 'Twixt fear and rage, it is sup-
posed, he did not stop in his headlong course till he found
himself once more in his own location.
* I thought I should prevail on him to depart/ quoth the
Captain, pushing on to the island.
94 NEWTON DOG VANE
1 1 thought so too,' answered Newton, ' seeing what power-
ful arguments you used/
Newton descended, and getting into the boat, they soon
stood upon the shore ; and, with very little difficulty, they got
the fish into a shallow corner, and landed him ; and Newton
in his delight forgot the bull, his wet clothes, and everything
else that was unpleasant.
1 What should you think he'll weigh?' he asked. 'Will
he weigh twenty pounds ? ' Newton was not much of a judge
of the weight of large fish.
1 No, no, no,' said the Captain ; * but he's a good fish for
all that. He'll go about eleven and a half or twelve. I con-
gratulate you ; I've no doubt it's the biggest yet.'
Uncle Crabb, Ned, and Buncomb, who had watched the
whole adventure from the distance, here came running up.
They were considerably alarmed at first, but when they saw the
termination of the adventure, they all joined in a hearty
laugh.
'But come, Mr. Dogvane,' said Uncle Crabb, 'we must not
keep you here. You're wet through. Take a drop of this'
brandy. There's a public-house about a third of a mile from
this, where I always keep a dry change of old things ; for I
often get wet through when I come here fishing or wild-fowl
shooting. So put yourself into a sharp trot, and I'll go with
you and see you rigged out afresh; and if, after that, you like to
come back and renew your sport, you can. Come along. We'll
get off those plaids. My words about Squire Driffield's bull
seem quite prophetic.' And putting themselves into a trot,
they left Ned, Buncomb, and the Captain to pursue their
sport, and hastened off to the Feathers, a hostelry kept by
J. Jinks.
The change was speedily effected, and Newton felt all the
better for it.
* Sit down before the fire for a quarter of an hour, to be
certain of getting the chill out of you, and take a drop of hot
brandy-and-water,' said Uncle Crabb.
They proceeded to the kitchen, where was a huge fire of
roots and knots, crackling and blazing, the ceiling being gar-
nished with a large bacon-rack, uncommonly well filled too.
* There ! go in there and sit down/ he continued, pushing
Newton in. There were three or four persons in the room,
STORM, SUNSHINE, AND JACK-FISHING 95
who all made way for him ; and, sitting by the fire, he basked
in the blaze.
'Jinks, come and show me those terrier pups ; ' and Uncle
Crabb and the landlord vanished together.
There was a very old woman the landlord's mother sit-
ting in the ingle-nook, warming her lean hands over the blaze,
and nodding her head from time to time, like a clockwork
figure, as she mumbled to herself ; and a neat, tolerably well-
dressed woman, with a chubby, laughing babe, sat upon the
other side warming its little toes. The child opened its great
round eyes, and stared at the skinny old dame with all its
little might. It was a strange and powerful contrast, that
extreme age and extreme youth. The woman was waiting
for the omnibus, which passed twice a day to a railway station
some six miles distant. Newton sat smoking his cigar and
looking at the two alternately for some minutes. Presently,
finding the fire rather warm, he got up and walked to the
window, which commanded a view of the road, and stood there
looking out. A gentleman and two ladies passed. They eyed
the. house, noticed Newton, and passed on. It was Mr. and
the Misses Sharp.
* My ! ' i Did you see that ? ' and * Astonishing the brass
of some folks ! ' broke from the trio simultaneously.
* The gentleman, if you can call him a gentleman, whom
we saw at Mr. Bowers's/ said the first sister.
' If, indeed ! gentleman ! smoking a cigar at a low pot-
house window ! ' said the second.
' Gentleman ! by Gad ! Some low blaygyard young Ned's
been and picked up in his prowlings about the slums of the
metropolis,' said the brother, who was, of course, disgusted
that the new man hadn't hooked on to one or the other of
his charming sisters.
Now it happened that this little conversation was carried on
as they slowly walked along a hedge. It also happened that
this hedge separated the roadway from the garden appertain-
ing to the Feathers. It still further happened that a dog-
kennel, containing some terrier puppies, was placed just inside
this hedge ; and by a still stranger coincidence, Uncle Crabb
happened to be at that very identical moment stooping down
looking at these puppies, and consequently heard most of this
delightful conversation. Accordingly he straightened himself
96 NEWTON DOGVANE
suddenly, and thus brought his countenance, which had a most
malicious grin upon it, just above the hedge, and within three
or four feet of Mr. Sharp's.
'Good morning, ladies. Good morning, Mr. Sharp. It
affords me the greatest pleasure to see you at this interesting
juncture.'
And so it did, without doubt, though we very much ques-
tion if the pleasure was by any means reciprocal, for the faces
of the Sharps betrayed surprise and a something between
fright and annoyance.
' A how de do 1 I'm sure,' said Mr. Sharp, so suddenly
staggered by the apparition that he hardly knew what he
was saying, ' A we talk of the '
' Just so,' said Uncle Crabb, accepting the simile and the
title it conveyed gracefully.
'No, no I don't mean that we that is we were just
talking of a friend of yours.'
'Were you, indeed?' said Uncle Crabb, significantly. 'I
thought it had rather been some friend of your own, from the
appropriate terms you spoke of him in. Good morning, ladies.
Good morning, Mr. Sharp. I am really very sorry to run away
from you ; but I am just going to smoke a pipe with a gentle-
man, " if, indeed, you can call him a gentleman." Good morn-
ing, Mr. Sharp. I'll be sure and remember you to Ned and his
" low friend " ' Sharp was an awful coward ' and allow me
to advise you in future ' Uncle Crabb began to boil over
'to be sure that the object of your abuse has no friends present;
allow me to advise you so, sir. Good morning, sir.' And away
walked Uncle Crabb in a towering passion, leaving the Sharps
in a pleasant state of vexation, rage, and consternation.
' Well; mother,' said Uncle .Crabb, as he entered the kitchen,
to the old woman in the chimney-corner, ' how goes it ? ' The
old woman only replied by a desperate paralytic jerk of her
crazy old nob, which looked to Newton as if such another jerk
would infallibly jerk it off into the fire, whence he had a
grotesque sort of prevision of fishing it with the tongs.
' How's your mother, Jinks ? ' asked Uncle Crabb of the
landlord, who had followed him into the room.
' Pretty well, sir, if it worn't for the rheumatiz.'
' The what ? ' asked Uncle Crabb, with some little distaste.
' The rheumatiz, sir.'
STORM, SUNSHINE, AND JACK-FISHING 97
' Oh ! the rheumatiz, eh ! Do you know the best cure for
the rheumafo'z ? ' emphasising the ultimate syllable.
' No, sir ; I wishes I did.'
' Bub it with some mustardzs??*,' said Uncle Crabb, sourly.
1 Some what, sir ? '
* Some mustard^sm, Jinks mustardz'sm fine thing. D n
Sharp, d n his sisters, d n the whole family ! ' continued
Uncle Crabb, kicking a three-legged stool viciously.
Jinks grinned, looked queeiiy at Uncle Crabb, but said no
more.
The baby began to fret a little, and the mother spoke to it
in nurse's language ' Did it's cherubs, then, burn its toesy
woesy, a ducksey wucksey ? '
* Ma'am,' said Uncle Crabb, sharply, ' do you expect that
child ever to talk English ? '
4 Yes, sir, I hope so, I'm sure,' answered the mother, some-
what abashed.
< Then why don't you talk English to it 1'
' Prefers the mother-tongue, I suppose/ quoth Newton,
amused.
The mother looked a little crossly at Uncle Crabb; but when
the omnibus drew up at the door, he put her into it so kindly,
and held the baby so tenderly chucking it under the chin,
and poking its dimpled face with his finger, that he brought
a laugh into the infant's face, and a thankful smile into the
mother's. Odd fish was Uncle Crabb.
A very tall and stout man got down from the omnibus and
entered the kitchen ; he was dressed in the fashion of a well-
to-do farmer, and displayed a broad- skirted dark green coat,
with drab cords and gaiters ; he had a sun-bright, brick- dust-
coloured face, deepening in places to purple. His eye was an
ill-tempered, bullying, overbearing one ; and he had had just
enough to drink to make him shine in his true colours.
' Squire Driffield, the man whose bull you made the ac-
quaintance of,' whispered Uncle Crabb.
The Squire called for some hot gin-and-water, and nodded
scowlingly to all round.
* Been to the match, Squire 1 ' asked Mr. Jinks.
'Yes, and, by , it was the worst single-stick play I ever
saw in my life. Single-stick ! Why, they played like a a
couple of fal-lal boarding-school girls with knitting-needles.
But, somehow, Dusty Bob managed to drop on the Sweep's
98 NEWTON DOG VANE
pate in the end, and I lost my money. Talking o' that, I
hear some 'un's been a shootin' at my bull ; ' and he looked
sternly at Uncle Crabb. ' I only wish I knowed who'd done
it, I'd show 'urn some single-stick play ; ' and he whirled his
ash stick round through his fingers in a rapid, showy manner,
and then brought it violently in contact with the floor ; ' I'd
dust their jackets for 'um. Now, what I say is this I've
common right o' grazin' by them ponds, and, d n me, if I
shuts my bull up for any Sir Johns, or any of their Jimmy
Jessamy friends ; he may toss half the county if he likes, and
I'll whack t'other half within a inch o' their lives if they
molestys 'un.' And he looked fixedly again at Uncle Crabb.
Meanwhile three or four people dropped in, and being
half dependants, half admirers, and wholly toadies of the
Squire's, that worthy grew noisier.
1 1 don't care who a tosses, not I.'
' You don't, don't you 1 ' said Uncle Crabb.
'No, I don't ; and what then?' said the Squire, angrily.
' Why, this ; to-day that bull has placed this young gentle-
man's life in jeopardy.'
' And did he pepper my bull ? ' asked the Squire, savagely.
'No, he did not; that piece of service was rendered by
another party.'
' I'd a dusted his jacket for '
* Would you, indeed 1 ' said Newton, jumping up angrily,
and upsetting a glass in his heat.
' Sit down, my lad,' said Uncle Crabb, looking at him
with pleasure and surprise, and laying his hands upon New-
ton's shoulders as he gently pressed him down again. ' Sit
down ; this big bully is more than a match for you, and you'd
only come off with broken bones/
Newton looked very wroth, but was silent not from any
fear though.
1 That's the truest thing you've said yet,' said the Squire,
with an ugly grin.
1 It's no truer than what I am about to say. I am coining
down to shoot at the ponds on Sat unlay next, and I advise
you to tie your bull up.'
'I shan't for you, nor nobody,' roared the Squire.
' So much the worse for the bull then ; for if he makes him-
self unpleasant to me, I'll put a bullet through his head, as
sure as your name's DriflielcL'
STORM, SUNSHINE, AND JACK-FISHING 99
'Will you, by V
'Ay, will I,' said Uncle Crabb, 'as certainly as I would
through your own, if you ventured to put your unwieldy paw
upon me.'
And Uncle Crabb said this so fiercely, and looked the Squire
so steadily in the eye, that the bully felt cowed for a moment,
and strove to hide his discomfiture by a kind of low banter ;
and he said sneeringly
' And you belongs to one of the larned professions ! '
1 And you to one of the ignorant ones.'
Uncle Crabb turned towards the fire as soon as he saw he
had produced an effect. At this moment Captain Stevens and
Ned entered, followed by Buncomb, who bore the basket of
lunch with him.
' You wanted to dust somebody's jacket just now, I believe,'
said Uncle Crabb to the Squire. 'There's the gentleman
who peppered your bull,' pointing to the Captain. ' Under-
take him, if you like, and much good may it do you.'
' I'll make 'un smart for it,' growled the Squire.
1 Will you? We shall see.'
' We thought you'd need some lunch,' said the Captain,
* so, as we did not care to be so selfish as to lunch alone, we've
brought the basket up with us. Move those glasses further
up, and clear this end of the table, Buncomb.'
Buncomb moved one or two, and was about pushing the
Squire's gin-and-water a foot or two up the table to make
room for the cloth.
' Leave that glass bide ! ' thundered the Squire.
1 Eh ! ' said the Captain, looking with amazement at the
angry giant.
' Leave that glass be ! '
'Oh ! certainly, though you need not enforce your wishes
quite so boisterously. There that will net interfere with
the gentleman's glass, Buncomb. Put the pie there that's
it ; ' and the Captain took his seat.
The others moved towards the table, when the Squire,
thinking he had at last found a fitting object to wreak his
passion on, and fancying from the Captain's quiet submission
that he was afraid of him, jumped up and slapped the table
with his ash stick, making the glasses jump and the room
ring.
' Now then, you, sir ! ' and he flourished the stick.
ioo NEWTON DOGVANE
1 Mercy on us ! Is the man out of his senses ? ' said the
Captain. * What do you mean, sir ? Are you talking to me ? '
1 Ah ! you devil a less ! What do you mean by shooting
at my bull ? '
* Oh, bother your bull, if that remarkably dangerous animal
by the water- side belongs to you.'
' Bother my bull ! But I'm bother'd if I don't bother you
for bothering of him.'
All this was said with a dogged determination to have
a row.
Nep gave a low growl.
1 Be quiet, Nep. Leave the gentleman's calves alone.'
The Squire winced a little, and looked down.
' Sit down, sir ; it's ill talking to a hungry man. You know
the saying, " A hungry man is an angry man." I don't want
to lose my temper and spoil my lunch. If you've anything
to say, I'll attend to it after I have eaten. Pie, Charles 1 I
don't know what they have done with the egg.' And the
Captain took no further notice of the Squire, but proceeded
to forage the contents of the pie as coolly as if there had been
no such person in existence as the Squire.
The Squire sat down, muttering, ' Ye won't get off like
that, I tell ye. Temper, ecod ! I'll temper ye ! ' and he sat
watching each morsel until their lunch was ended, when the
Captain, pouring out half a tumbler of sherry, filled it up with
a little hot water, and added thereto a lump of sugar, and
having tasted it to see that it was mixed to his entire satis-
faction, lighted a cigar and began to smoke slowly and with
the utmost composure.
' Well ! ' said the Squire, who had bottled up his rage till
it almost boiled over.
' Well ! ' said the Captain. ' It seems, my friend, that you
have some desire to pick a quarrel with me. I never waste
words. As for your bull, you deserve to be kicked out of
the parish for having such a dangerous beast and allowing
it to be at large for a moment ; and as for you, you are a
greater nuisance than your bull. You have flourished that
bit of ash at me. I never allow people to flourish sticks at
me. You pretend, I understand, to some science in the art
of single-stick. I will take you at your own weapons, and
will give you an opportunity of proving your science.' The
Captain then reached round to his fishing-rod, and drew out
STORM, SUNSHINE, AND JACK-FISHING 101
the trolling-top, a springy joint of tough hickory, about
the bigness of a common penny-cane, or a little smaller, and
about a yard in length, ending in about a foot of whale-
bone and a stout brass ring. He gave it two or three switches
to try its springiness ; and then, turning round towards his
antagonist, without moving from his chair, or even taking his
cigar from his mouth, he said 'Put up your stick, or I'll
kick you into the road.'
' Get up ! ' said the Squire, secretly pleased at the appa-
rently slight weapon the Captain had chosen ; that couldn't
afford much guard, he imagined ; though all this excessive
coolness rather staggered him. But he thought it was what
is vulgarly called bounce and show-off, and comforted himself
with that idea. Moreover, the Captain lacked at least three
inches of his height a very considerable advantage in single-
stick ; and as for bone and muscle, there did not appear to be
any comparison between them, though the Squire little knew
what there was bound up in that apparently slight form.
' Get up ! '
' I could not think of disturbing myself. Put up your stick/
1 Mind, it's your own choice don't thee blame me,' said
the Squire.
'Never fear; I won't blame yon, if you don't blame
yourself.'
Newton trembled for the Captain. The giant seemed to
stand towering over him with his powerful ash stick, looking
as if he had only to fall upon him to crush him. There was
a dead silence in the room. The Captain still smoked his cigar
most composedly. It was a picture; the old crone, seeing
by their looks that something extraordinary was going on,
peered round the corner of the chimney, and her bleared eyes
glistened like two coals of fire from the seeming fog that sur-
rounded them. The Squire threw himself into a splendid
attitude, and certainly, if attitude would have thrashed his
opponent, it was a horse to a handsaw. ' The Captain merely
held his taper- glistening wand up, a little inclining over his
right shoulder. The giant meditated for the least fraction of
a second where the blow should fall, and consequently was
the least fraction of a second too late. There was a slight
flash through a ray of light that shone between them, and
the least possible visible turn of the Captain's wrist, and like
lightning the cut fell. The bully uttered a yell of agony as
102 NEWTON DOG VANE
he dashed down his stick, and with both hands to his face,
which already streamed with blood, rushed from the room
with his cheek cut open to the very bone, from eye to chin.
4 I'm afraid it was rather hot,' said the Captain, as he turned
once more to the fire, wiped the joint carefully, and then laid
the top with the rest of the rod, as if nothing had happened ;
' but, confound him, he deserved it.'
Uncle Crabb uttered a grunt of pleasure, and then went
out to dress the cut. The old crone's eyes glistened brighter
than ever, and she nodded paralytic nods by the score, and
chuckled audibly.
* I'll learn single -stick the instant I get to London,' said
Newton to himself. ' What a jolly thing to be able to walk
into a bully at his own game ! '
CHAPTER XI.
NEWTON PERFORMS BEFORE * THE RAO '
' IF I could find a nice quiet prad, now, I'd have half an
hour's canter in the Park,' said our friend New tori to him-
self shortly after his return from Crookham.
It was a sharp, brisk day, with a little sunshine just
enough to remind one that the autumn had not yet quite
departed. Newton was tired of signing his name and reading
the papers ; and, his father being actively engaged in his own
office, he could well be spared. He had been dull, distrait,
and uneasy ever since his visit to Crookham. He felt inclined
for a little rapid exercise, just to get rid of the vapours,
and under these circumstances he spoke the above words.
Newton's equestrian experience was not extensive. He
had ridden donkeys at Ramsgate, ponies at Herne Bay, and
taken a few very trifling lessons of a riding-master at Brighton,
and sometimes took a sly airing in the Park, or out into the
country, when he could get a horse which he felt sure would
not run away with him; and during the latter part of his
visit to Crookham he had rubbed up and improved upon
NEWTON PERFORMS BEFORE 'THE RAG' 103
what little he knew by riding out occasionally with Ned and
Oharlotte or Bessie (the young ladies took turns, having only
one horse between them). Captain Stevens lent Newton
a very quiet, steady old hack, and Ned did his best to make
his friend tolerably proficient in the art ; on one occasion
getting Newton's horse over a ditch, and Newton into it;
and upon a subsequent one, over a hurdle, and on to his
horse's ears, much to the amusement of Miss Charlotte, who
happened to be present on both occasions. We question
whether he would have attempted it had Bessie been there
instead of her sister. Still, with all this experience, he did
not feel himself qualified to mount anything strange, or which
was not warranted quite quiet and free from vice. This
morning, however, he thought he would take a little turn ;
and, looking into his father's room, he merely said he was
going out for half-an-hour, and sauntered away to Bobtail's
yard in seach of a ' nice quiet prad.'
' Got anything in that'll suit me ? ' he asked of the head
man of the yard a mildewy, undersized homunculus, with
very bowed legs and a flat head, with a pervading flavour of
stables, tobacco, and beer about him.
' What 'ud you like, sir ? ' was the very natural reply.
'Oh, something quiet, without any tricks or vice about
him,' answered Newton, in an offhand manner.
' Suit you to a T, sir,' quoth the groom, whose name was
Tuesday at least, if it was not Tuesday, he answered to that
cognomen, which did as well as if the whole bench of bishops
had stood sponsors to it.
' Bring forth the 'orse,' said Mr. Tuesday, waving his arm
with a theatrical air to a helper, who was engaged in looking
on, rubbing his hands with a wisp of hay, and chewing a
stalk of the same on one side of his mouth, while he spat
into a gutter with the other.
' Which 'un ? ' asked the helper, bringing the straw to the
centre of his mouth, and neglecting the gutter for a moment.
'Why, the Tartur of the Hukraine breed, surnamed Moses.'
' Boses,' said the helper (who had had the bridge of his nose
kicked in while examining the hocks of a vicious poster, in early
youth), ' Boses, ah ! he's id a hudred ad didety fibe, he is.'
And, limping slowly up the yard, he vanished for a minute
or two, while Mr. Tuesday took Newton's measure, and then
asked him, with an involuntary wink, which was only meant
104 NEWTON DOGVANE
for himself, ' How many he could take agin the field -for the
Metro.'
Newton was considering what he should say, when the
ostler returned, leading a most shabby, broken-kneed equine.
* A very pretty Tartar he is, too,' said Newton, looking
knowing.
' That's a uncommon 'orse,' said Tuesday, looking innocent.
' Very likely. Take him back again, young man.'
' I thought you wanted somethin' quiet/ said Tuesday.
' So I did ; but I didn't want a dilapidated toast-rack. 5
' Oh ! ' said Tuesday, opening his mouth on the word, and
then shutting it again like a Swiss nut-cracker. ' Then I
suppose you won't care to see Aaron.'
* Not if he's at all like his brother.'
Bring out Yilliam Tell.'
1 Very odd names you give your horses,' said Newton.
' Hodd names to suit hodd 'orses,' said Tuesday. ' Names
'em 'cording to their kivaulities. Villiam Tell's a 'igh-spirited
'oss.'
* He won't do for me then, I'm afraid.'
' Think not ? '
* No,' said Newton, pursing his lips and shaking his head.
' Let's have something that's quiet, without being more dead
than alive.'
'I see,' said Tuesday; 'you wants somethin' that won't
shy at the sight of a feed of corn, eh ? ' said Mr. Tuesday
playfully. ' Ah ! you're a knowin' one, you air ; any one
can see that.'
* Yith arf ad eye,' murmured the helper.
' If all our customers wos like you,' continued Tuesday,
* we shouldn't be able to live. Bring out Bright. Calls him
Bright 'cause he's a showy 'oss, and a member o' the Peace
S'ciety. He is ordered, and 'adn't ought to go out ; but you
shall have him as a special faviour, and we'll put t'other gent
off with summat else.'
Bright was led out ; he suited Newton's ideas ; so, after a
due amount of scrambling up, and having a hole taken up
here, and a strap let out there, and doing a few juggling
tricks with the reins, he rode slowly out.
' Whad dy'e thig o' thad for a caper, Toosday ? ' quoth the
helper.
' Think, Villiam ? wot can anybody think, 'cept that he
NEWTON PERFORMS BEFORE THE RAG* 105
was dro'rd vith the rolls at a quarter afore eight, and con-
sekevently is werry unkimonly slack-baked. There's a flat
horned every hour, Yilliam, and so much the hetter for us.
But never mind ; if he gets Bright into a trot, he'll make his
back ache for him, or I'm only a purweyor o' dog's meat ;
and if he comes 'cross any horgins or anythink, won't he
astonish his weak nerves nuther ! '
And the worthy pair laughed in concert, while Newton
rode slowly and safely towards Charing Cross, intending to
ride down Piccadilly into the Park ; but he changed his mind,
and thought he would go through the Birdcage Walk.
Opposite the Horse Guards, it struck him that that would
be a shorter cut ; other horsemen and carriages were going
through, so Newton turned Bright' s head in that direction,
resolving to follow them. A solitary horseman was before
him, a carriage full of ladies (tremendous swells, whose atten-
tion, of course, he thought he had engaged) close behind him.
The sentry on guard saluted the horseman in front, but
directly Newton rode up for admission, brought his carbine
down smartly, holding it across just before Bright's nose.
1 Can't pass,' quoth the sentinel, with military brevity.
* Not pass ? ' said Newton.
'No.'
' Why not ? ' asked Newton.
* Got a pass 1 ' asked the soldier.
'No.'
' Back,' said the Spartan, pushing the carbine against
Bright's nose, who being, as Mr. Tuesday affirmed, a member
of the peace business, was unused to the sight of offensive
weapons, and backed rapidly and unpleasantly against the
horses of the carriage behind, causing great confusion, and
rather disconcerting Newton's seat on horseback.
The horseman in front, having heard some little discussion
going on, turned round to see what was the matter, displaying
the features of Captain Stevens.
' Ah, Mr. Dogvane ! how d'ye do ? What is the matter ?
Can I be of any service ? '
' Thank you,' answered Newton, recovering his seat and
his equanimity. * The man rather frightened my horse
that is all.'
1 Are you riding this way ? ' and Captain Stevens pointed
through the archway.
io6 NEWTON DOGVANE
1 1 am that is, I was but '
' Oh ! I see a pass. Come along.' And they rode slowly
through, the sentry again saluting, to whom Newton gra-
ciously touched his hat, as he saw the Captain do, in token
of his forgiveness.
' Shall we trot 1 '
And the Captain, talking of their friends at Crookham
and other topics, put his horse into a trot, and Newton did
the same. Assuredly there never was such a rough trotter
as that Bright ; he stamped and stamped his feet down as if
he were pecking holes in the ground to plant them in
stamp, stamp, stamp bump, bump, bump.
' Ned fre-e-e-quently drops i-i-in, and we ha-a-ave a set
too-o-o.'
Thus the words were jerked out of Newton in his efforts
at conversation.
* That's rather a rough trotter of yours, I should say,' said
Captain Stevens, glancing at Bright askance.
1 Oh, con-foun-ded-de-dedly ! ' How his back and shoulders,
head and arms, began to ache ! Shake, shake, shake bump,
bump, bump. It was intolerable.
At length the Captain pulled up, and they rode slowly
up Grosvenor Place. The walking pace suited Bright, and
Newton too, much better, and Newton straightened himself
and tried to appear very much at his ease. Captain Stevens
gave him an invitation to come down to the mess at Hounslow,
to which station the Captain had just been sent, and Newton
accepted it, feeling that he was getting into a very desirable
circle of acquaintance through his old schoolfellow ! So he
rode along upon very good in fact, on improving terms
with himself. When they came to the corner, the Captain
had business at Tattersall's, so they left their horses and
strolled in. Here Newton was introduced to two or three
of the Captain's friends, and tried to appear a judge of horse-
flesh ; but he did not venture beyond shakes of the head,
pursings of the lips, and an occasional * hum ' or a ' ha,'
which, added to that most sapient and all-penetrating frown,
which most people who don't know anything of a horse, and
some who do, consider it necessary to put on while looking at
one, gave him, in his own eyes at any rate, the appearance
of knowing a thing or two.
This little matter over, they betook themselves to their
NEWTON PERFORMS BEFORE 'THE RAG' 107
horses again, and rode down Piccadilly through St. James's
Street. Captain Stevens ' would look in at the club if Mr.
Dogvane would take a glass of sherry and a biscuit with him'
an invitation which Newton accepted ; and leaving their
horses to be walked up and down by a lad who was looking
out for such jobs, they entered, and Newton lunched and
became known to more men. At length he took his leave,
and Captain Stevens sat down to write a letter. For a few
minutes the Captain sat over the paper, apparently in a brown
study, when a roar of laughter from two or three officers with
whom they had been chatting, and who were looking out of
the window, attracted his attention.
' Hernandez, bai Jove ! '
' Well done ! '
Ha ! ha ! ha ! '
' Why, Stevens, your friend is the most perfect thing out
since Hernandez.'
* What is the matter ? What the deuce are you laughing
at 1 ' and he hastened to the window, and soon joined in the
laughter. Alas, poor Newton ! Just as he set foot in stirrup,
a German band ranged itself beside the pavement, and no
sooner was he in the saddle than they struck up a well-known
and popular polka. Instantly Bright pricked up his ears, and,
after a preliminary caper or two, he cleared a space for him-
self amongst the spectators, and commenced going round in a
ring in the regular up-and-down circus canter. Bright had
belonged to a circus, and round and round in one unbroken ring
went the well-trained Bright. Newton pulled and toiled. It
was useless. Blight's mouth was iron. Newton glanced up
at 'The Rag' windows, and there horribile dictu ! were
the men whom he had been recently introduced to laughing
roaring at him, and even Captain Stevens's well-known
features in the full swing of uproarious mirth. Poor Newton !
what wouldn't he have given if the common sewer even would
have opened beneath him to hide him ! Suddenly there came
a change in the tune, and as suddenly Bright turned short
round and commenced cantering in the opposite direction ;
but this rapid change was too much for Newton's * noble
horsemanship,' and he shot off at a tangent, and found him-
self sitting on his antipodes in the street, in the very centre
of the crowd. Bright, upon losing his rider, as was his wont,
stopped directly and stood still. Screams of laughter from
io8 NEWTON DOGVANE
'The Rag ; ' roars from the crowd, ' Go it, old feller! ' ' Brayvo ! '
' Hooroar ! ' * Don't ye know him, Bill ? He's the wild Hingun
'unter at Hashley's ! ' ' My eyes, wot a lark ! '
' I hope you're not hurt,' said the good-natured Captain,
who had hurried out at the moment of the accident, and was
now helping him to rise.
'I think not,' said Newton, rising slowly, and dealing
tenderly with a soreness, partly occasioned by the rough trot-
ting of Bright, and partly by the late violent visitation.
' Come in, then, and let's get you brushed. Go away, you
scoundrels' (to the band); 'don't make that hideous row
here. Come in, come in,' and he led Newton once more to
the steps.
* Here, you,' said Newton to one of the spectators in a red
jacket; 'lead that devil incarnate back to Bobtail's yard,
and tell his man Friday, or Tuesday, or whatever his d d
name is, that Bright's a bigger beast, if possible, than he is
himself. Tell him where and how he displayed his invaluable
qualities, and as for paying for him, tell him I'll see him
somethinged first. Here, take my card to him, and be
off.'
The man touched his hat, and, taking Bright by the
rein, proceeded to lead him away ; but Bright displayed
considerable aversion to the red jacket, which, possibly,
was somehow connected in his mind with war prices, dear
oats, and short hay. A good deal of coaxing and persua-
sion was utterly useless ; a little gentle force only brought
into play all his most obstinate attributes, and he jibbed
almost into the kitchen windows. At length, his guide
brought the argument to a summary conclusion, and giving
Bright a tremendous punch on the nose, and following it
up with a smart kick on the ribs, Bright became amen-
able to reason, and with only a slight snort, or occasional
inclination to jib instantly subdued at the sight of the fist
he submitted to be led away, while Newton once more sought
the friendly shelter of ' The Rag.'
THE NOBLE ART OF SELF-DEFENCE 109
CHAPTER XII.
THE NOBLE ART OF SELF-DEFENCE
NEWTON had carried his determination of studying carefully
the noble art of self-defence into practice, and commenced his
course of tuition under a gentleman of the Fancy known to
the public as the Borough Badger. Gentlemen of this calling
have appeared so often, in such a variety of histories and
sketches, that it is unnecessary to enter into a description of
him. Not that we feel unequal to the task ; for the pock-
marked, low-browed, high-cheeked Badger, with his Brighton
crop and tight trousers, will recur to us ; and we might re-
count, in the descriptive and appropriate language of The Life,
how the Badger laid the foundation of his fistic fame by
vanquishing Short's Novice in 53 rounds, after i hour and 45
minutes' contest ; how he then threw a somersault, and pre-
sented his opponent with a grain of mint sauce towards a sub-
scription for salve to his sores ; how he was next matched for
fifty a side against Caggy Boots, when, after a contest of 94
minutes and 42 rounds, Caggy having put up the shutters (i.e.,
been beaten blind), and having lost the use of his dexter flipper
(right hand) in the early stage of the contest, threw up the
sponge in token of defeat ; and how, after being on the shelf
some time, upon looking out for a customer, he encountered
the renowned Joey the Flamingo, by whom he was vanquished
after a plucky struggle of two hours' duration, &c. &c.
All this, and much more, might we relate, but it is little to
the purpose. Suffice it to say that the Badger was one of the
old school a rough-and-ready customer; very good-tempered,
very independent and honest ; slow in taking offence, but an
awkward customer when he did take it a very bulldog, sturdy
fellow, was the Badger. He never imposed upon others, and
would not allow any gentleman to be imposed on when in
his company ; the Badger's ' Stow it ! when anything of
the kind was attempted, being generally sufficient for all
parties.
One rather characteristic anecdote we must relate of him.
Always ready to take the side of the weaker party, he once
no NEWTON DOGVANE
at a theatre pitched a scoundrel, who was annoying a little
lame girl in front of him, over into the pit in his wrath. To
be sure the gallery was not very lofty, any more than the
character of the theatre ; but the man broke his arm in his
fall, and the Badger was most kind and attentive to him during
his illness, and allowed him a large share of his own hardly
earned income until he was well and strong again.
Consequently the Badger, owing to his honesty and sturcli-
ness, had many admirers and pupils, and the Fancy respected
him in general, though it liked him not, because it was a diffi-
cult, indeed a hopeless, matter to arrange a cross with him.
The only one he ever entered into proved a sell for the parties
who arranged it. It was agreed that the Badger was to lose
a certain fight, and was to have a handsome sum for doing
so ; but he did not know how to lose ; accordingly ' he licked
the winner as wos to be,' as he used to express it when he was
telling the story, 'in twenty-two minutes and a 'arf.' Such
was the gentleman who, for a moderate remuneration, knocked
our friend Newton about twice or three times a week, teaching
him at the same time to do the same kind office for others.
' Now, sir, let it go. Don't 'it as if you was af eared to 'it ;
but 'it out from yer shoulder, sir. Now jest 'it out straight
at Muster Spooner.' The Badger had a private pique against
Spooner, and he would point to a villanously daubed face,
supposed to represent that individual, which was tacked on
to a sack of sawdust, suspended by a rope from a beam hi
the ceiling, at which the Badger was wont to exercise his
extensors, when he had nothing better to exercise them on.
' That's vun for his nob,' the Badger would say, as Newton
dexterously hit Spooner a severe blow on the nose, and sent
the sack spinning round for a minute or two. Now do that
agen, sir, right straight at me.'
Newton would essay, and of course fail, experiencing a sharp
jar from the fore-arm to the shoulder from the Badger's guard.
' Now, then, ye see the heasy hattitood's best, so as you
can step forrard or backard easiest. No straddlin' about like
that there ; it won't do. If you leans too much on yer right
pin, you're 'arf as easy agen to knock down ; and if you leans
too much on yer left, your 'ead's too near to my fives for yer
'ands to take care on it. Trust to yer 'ands and yer pins to
take care o' yer 'ead. Free and heasy with 'ands and pins ;
anythiuk awkard and cramped ain't science, and what ain't
THE NOBLE ART OF SELF-DEFENCE in
science ain't no use. Don't bring yer 'ead so far forrard ; keep
it a little backarder, or you'll be stoppin' all my blows with it,
which looks werry pretty, but ain't no ways effective. There !
I knowed you would. Why didn't you counter ? Now agen.
Look out. That's better, and was pretty sharp too. You'll
do in time ; but you don't take care enough o' the mark ; '
and, receiving a smart blow on the epigastrium, Newton
would fly up against the wall, and stand there panting. But
his pluck was good, and he would come to it again and again,
and consequently he made good progress ; so that in a month
he began occasionally to give the Badger as good as he sent,
and the Badger owned that, ' for a hamatoor, it worn't so
heasy to fiddle him.'
Occasionally his friend Ned, who was in town on some busi-
ness connected with his commission, met him there, and they
had an amicable set-to ; during which the Badger would in-
hale tobacco, and smoke or nod approval or dissent. But more
often Newton and his friend strolled in at Parade's, and would
do a little pistol-shooting, or have a bout with broadswords,
single- sticks, or foils. Here they would find a good-humoured
life-guardsman or two, always ready to instruct in feats of
dexterity with any weapon under the sun. Old Parade (a tall,
thin, lathy Frenchman), and his sallow assistant, Alphonse
(rich in crinirial honours), a stray Hungarian or a Pole or
two, a few Italians and Germans, who went to chat over the
news, to see those foreign journals with the unpronounceable
names, and *ze Anglish Times,' which one would translate
rapidly for the benefit of the others, amidst Ore noms, 'spettos,
Teufels, and exaspirations in all sorts of tongues.
There was amongst this motley assembly one person who
had often taken the fancy of our friends, and who was a regular
attendant. He was an inimitable pistol-shot, and would some-
times mark his initials, Y. S., upon the target, placing bullet
after bullet exactly in the right place, until the letters were
complete, each bullet touching the other and forming the lines;
and, as a fencer, neither Parade nor the agile Alphonse could
beat him at any point. He was very silent, seldom talking
much, and seemed little known, though he would stand and
listen when one of the party read out such portions of the
Times as seemed to interest him, bestowing no other comment
than a longer or a shorter puff from his short black pipe,
which a Scotch laddie even might almost have envied for
112 NEWTON DOGVANE
its shortness; albeit they generally smoke their tobacco closer
to their noses than any race of people we ever saw yet.
He was of middle height, and apparently of slight frame,
but there was a remarkably active, wiry look about him ; his
shoulders were broader than they looked; and, when he
stripped his right arm for the assault, though certainly not
showing a superfluity of muscle, it was as hard as nails, and
the sinews stood out like whipcord. Very dark-complexioned,
with a long, heavy moustache and beard, but little whisker,
and his hair cut very short indeed, with a quick, grey, restless
eye, and overhanging eyebrow, he had a daring, lawless air,
which gave him the appearance of being, as it is commonly
said, 'up to anything, from pitch-and-toss to manslaughter.'
Our friends used, jokingly between themselves, to call him
* the Bravo ; ' and a very bravoish look he bore.
One day Edward was fencing with a young barrister, with
whom he had a slight acquaintance. Newton, who frequently
looked in at that hour, had not yet arrived. The Bravo, as we
will call him till we know his name, was smoking his dhudeen,
as usual, and nursing his right knee, while he sometimes
listened to the news, and sometimes looked on at Edward
and his friend.
' A hit ? ' said Edward, slightly touching his opponent.
' Oh dear, no,' answered the young man decidedly, who, like
most fencers, had a huge objection to acknowledging a hit,
and, beyond all that, was blessed with a greater share of
conceit than usual.
* There, then,' said Ned, disengaging, feinting, and thrust-
ing in carte over the arm.
'No; certainly not, I assure you,' replied his opponent,
bunglingly putting the adverse blade aside.
' H'm ! ' said Ned ; and a fresh series of parries, thrusts,
&c., were gone through, during which Ned claimed another
touch, which was still denied ; and then, being winded, sat
down beside the Bravo, who had been looking on at the last
set-to with some interest.
' Your opponent doesn't allow your hits ? ' said that gentle-
man, inquiringly.
Ned looked up rather surprised. He had never interchanged
a word with him before, and, indeed, seldom heard the sound
of his voice, which, by the way, was low, full, and musical to
a degree.
THE NOBLE ART OF SELF-DEFENCE 113
' No,' answered Ned, with a laugh ; ' he hates to be hit, and
still more, to allow it;' and he looked at his friend, who
was drinking beer, and had his back turned towards them.
' Why don't you thrust home, and then drop your hand and
fore-arm so ? ' continued the Bravo, as he suited the action to
the word.
Ned did not exactly see the object of the advice, but he gave
a short nod and determined to act upon it ; and, his opponent
being ready, they commenced again. Presently, Ned hit him
full and fair, and, keeping the foil fixed, he suddenly repeated
the action the Bravo had used, and the blade was literally
shivered against his friend's breast; and Ned, not being
thoroughly up to the dodge, and pressing somewhat too
heavily, narrowly escaped running him through with the part
that remained in his hand.
* There could be no mistake about that,' said Ned ; and the
Bravo got up, saying
' A hit, a hit, a very palpable hit,' and taking a pistol from
Alphonse, was soon to be heard engaged in writing his initials
on the target in the next room. Newton had come in at this
moment, and was staring with astonishment at the narrow
escape and the broken foil. Old Parade, too, had seen the
whole thing from the distance, and came running up, calling
to Alphonse
* Alphonse, scelerat, another blade for M'sieu Bower
diable ! dat vos Signer Sartoris ' to Ned ; ' I see de counsel
he was gif you de loin. He shall have stab some von in my
salon presently, and I will be ruine" ah ! not dat blade.
Bah ! Cr6 nom ! Alphonse ! stupide ! ' and a volley of Gallic
expletives went at Alphonse.
What's his name ? ' said Ned
1 Sartoris, M'sieu.'
' Why, what countryman is he ? He's a deuced clever
fencer ; but, upon my soul, Baylis was very near getting his
gruel.'
' I vos not know vot his countrymans vas. He spik French
and Italian comme un natif Allemand et Espagnol all alike.
Hongrise he spik leetle and Eastern tongues moche. He is
superb wis de small sword more quicker que 1'eclair. Wis
de pistolet ah ! magnifique. La premiere fois he vas com
here,' continued the chatty Parade, with appropriate and
striking gesture, ' il a marque" son nom write his signat sur
H
H4 NEWTON DOG VANE
la targe, pour une gageure a leetle bet. He make von leetle
bet de deux tasses de cafe", et des cigarres, et le prix de
] 'ammunition, wis my compatriote Pavilion, maitre d'armes
de chasseurs sous 1'Empire, et moi-myself. Ze spectateurs
conceive him vanteur vat is it ? boast brag ? Dey lay
ten, twenty, quarante, seventi franc on de issue. Bot he say,
" Merci, messieurs, non. I shall not vish to vin your mon-
naies ; mais, attendez." And he shoot, shoot a big V com-
plet ; next un I parfait ; N C. De shoot vas grand ; den E
and N beautiful ! but I tink I pre"f ere it not at my charge
expense. I vas strike de vager, as you say, and pay ze cafe"
and cigarre, and vat vas maintenant snooted. Et Pavilion,
who say it was magnifique et superb, too, vas satisfait, par-
faitement, likewise, and would not trouble to continue de
gentilhomme, and we pay huit douzaines et cinq von hondre
and von charges of de pistolet. Ah ! ha ! c'est un brigand
terrible, mais un gentilhomme parfait ; ' and Parade, with a
bow and a flourish, stepped off in another direction.
* What did he say ? ' asked Newton, whose knowledge of
French had been confined totally to his school-days, and who
had only half heard the last sentence.
'Why,' answered Ned, tossing up and catching by the
handle his new foil, and then punching imaginary holes in
the floor, and nodding to his late antagonist, who had dressed
meantime, and was gradually working his way to the door,
carelessly and slowly, as if he didn't wish to appear chagrined
at his palpable defeat. ' Why, he says something very like
what I heard a waterman once say of Lord D , " I likes
him, sir, 'acos he is sick a gentleman, and can be sic It H
blackguard." '
* Not a very unusual qualification, if we take the words in
their everyday signification,' quoth Newton. ' And how do
you make his name out ? V-i-n-c-e-n, that can't be anything
but Vincent or Vincentio. Don Vincentio Abracadabara
Good name that for a bravo " Un brigand terrible," ' mimick-
ing Parade's air. At this moment Newton saw his friend
suddenly change colour violently, and, turning round, behcM
the subject of their conversation close behind him, where
he must have heard the whole of the last sentence or two.
'Nothing of the sort,' said that individual, with a pleasant
smile at the perplexity upon the countenances of the friends.
* Nothing of the sort. Vincent Sartoris, of any part of this
THE NOBLE ART OF SELF-DEFENCE 115
world he happens to reside in, and heaven knows where in the
next, at your service. Pray, don't feel annoyed or uncom-
fortable your conversation was not meant for my ear. Even
if it had been, I should not care, as I am perfectly accustomed
to all sorts of practical curiosity, and therefore a little harm-
less theoretical is not likely to disturb my equanimity. Pray,
do me the favour to try a pass or two. Your guard is some-
what cramped ; so there, a little more freedom, yet perfect
firmness. Nothing but long practice will give you that. Feel
your adversary's blade, but don't bear too heavily upon it,
unless you are about to disengage, because if he disengages
unexpectedly whilst you bear on his blade, you force your own
blade out of the true line of defence ; but if you are about to
disengage, it may not be a bad plan momentarily, because the
pressure he must keep up naturally forces his out when you
do disengage ; otherwise a light and easy play of the wrist is
advisable. Ha, ha ! I've a great mind to break one of old
Parade's pets, to pay the old scoundrel out. I dare say he
has been maligning me shamefully. A hit ? yes another
a little higher. That's better. Did he tell you how I rooked
Pavilion and himself out of von hondre and von charges of
de pistolet 1 Capital that's better. A hit another, lighter,
quicker so.'
And thus the new and strange acquaintance ran on, fencing
perfectly, and with the utmost ease ; pinking Ned all over,
just when and where he pleased.
'The Captain wouldn't stand a chance with him,' said Ned
to Newton, as they walked to the lavatory. ' He'd be a baby
in his hands; and he's almost, if not quite, a match for
Parade ; and as for Alphonse, why he's nowhere/
Finally, they all three 3at down, and got into a conver-
sation about various arms and weapons.
' Good steel, that,' said Ned, flourishing a light cavalry
sabre, and bending it against the floor.
* That ! ' said Sartoris, whom we shall now call by his name.
* That steel ! If you call that steel, I wonder what you
would call my conventicle 1 '
' Your what 1 ' asked Newton.
1 Conventicle. I've got a real old Damascus scimitar, and
I call it my conventicle, because its eloquence is of the most
convincing kind, and anything but prosy. I got it from a
Turcoman sheik, who presented it to me for saving the life
ii6 NEWTON DOGVANE
of a very valuable mare he possessed. A strong arm and
dexterous would almost slice that thing in two with it. I can
cut a suspended candle in halves with it, which, if it seem
simple to you, you can try. And I could also cut seven or
eight oranges in halves, placed one behind the other, without
driving one off the table.'
' I thought there was a good deal of myth about those
Damascus blades,' said Newton.
' A myth I should like to see cultivated nowadays ; but
we've lost the art, sir. Everything now is sacrificed to cheap-
ness. The same old fellow had one of those ancient daggers
which they prize so much ; and in a firm, true hand, few coats
of mail would be proof against it. I've seen him drive it
through two copper coins, each of them nearly as thick as a
penny, with ease. But it was a great heirloom, and belonged
to the tribe.'
' By Jove ! I should like to see that scimitar,' said Ned,
* and to see you cut a candle in two. I can easily fancy it
requires a good deal of dexterity.'
' Should you ? ' said Sartoris. * Then, if you like ' and
here he hesitated, and his bronzed face assumed a deeper tint
of red, but he shook it off directly. ' Pshaw ! why should a
man be ashamed of his abiding-place ? I've had many, many
a worse shelter in forest and jungle, in savannah, prairie, or
sandy desert. Ay, many and many a night, when drenched
to the skin in a tropical storm, would I have given something
handsome for the friendly shelter of my now despised attic.
Comforts are, after all, but comparative in their value, and it
would be a palace to an Esquimaux or a Hottentot ; so if you
don't mind clambering up six pair of stairs in the very
doubtful neighbourhood of Tottenham Court Road, I can
offer you a chill um of Shiraz, or, if you prefer it, as I
confess I do, a cutty and a block of Cavendish to cut from
real honeydew. I can't offer you much else ; but you shall
gladden your eyes, if you at all care about it, with a sight
of the conventicle and one or two other curious specimens
of arms. '
Our friends, professing themselves delighted with the pro-
spect, accepted the invitation for the next day with pleasure.
The Bravo wrote a word or two on a card, gave it to Ned, and,
slightly bowing, bade them good day and retired.
'By the way, Ned,' asked Newton, as tlu-y walked into
LIFE AMONGST THE CHIMNEY-POTS 117
the street, ' who was that lady you were riding in the park
with yesterday ? '
Ned did not appear to hear the question, and Newton
repeated it.
1 Oh, nobody you know,' answered Ned ; and then, as if
an after- thought struck him, he asked, * What did you think
of her ? '
1 Well, I certainly thought she was very handsome.'
' She is lovely ; ' and Ned again dropped the conversation.
* Where did you become acquainted ? ' asked Newton, per-
severingly ; but Ned was again dumb.
CHAPTER XIII.
LIFE AMONGST THE CHIMNEY-POTS
LITTLE TOOTLE STREET, Tottenham Court Road, is not an
aristocratic neighbourhood ; it is a collection of lodging-houses,
whence, at all hours of the day and night, issue professional
people and professionals. There is a considerable difference
between the two ; though a foreigner would perhaps be puzzled
to understand it. The lodging-houses of Little Tootle Street
contain lodgers of higher and lower pretensions. The higher
they abide the lower their pretensions, and vice versa, by a
species of inverse ratio. The parlours engrave Bedford Square
on their cards, from their proximity to that locality. The
upper floors, for the most part eschewing cards, and unwill-
ing to mislead their friends who may come to seek them, are
content to head their correspondence with Tottenham Court
Road ; while few people know who the upper floors and attics
are at all, where they live, or how, or indeed anything about
them. They go in and out humbly nobody troubles their
heads about them ; and even the regular lodging-house maid-
of -all-work (who by the way is invariably either Irish, Scotch,
or Welsh, and never English, and who lives apparently in the
coal-cellar heaven, her missus, and herself only know how) is
the only person who knows their names, and that is, generally
nS NEWTON DOG VANE
speaking, all she does know about them ; for they do for them-
selves in the very fullest lodging-house sense of the word.
Pianos rumble everlastingly in Little Tootle Street, and
huge wind instruments appear to gape with astonishment at
the noise they make, as they pump forth the woes of Little
Tootle Street and its occupants ; while violins, et hoc genus,
wail complainingly at all hours the most dismal ' Carnavals
de Yenise ' that Venice herself could by any possible means
experience under the most depressing of circumstances.
Having run the gauntlet of a complete oi*chestre monstre,
our two friends stood opposite No. 19 Little Tootle Street, at
about twelve of the clock on the morning after the invitation
we have seen given in our last chapter.
' Let me see,' said Edward, referring to the pasteboard,
'19 Little Tootle Street corner house, is it? What a
cramped hand ! Ay, sure enough, this must be it.'
' Shall I knock ? ' asked Newton, immediately suiting the
action to the word, and not waiting for an answer. Some
minutes passed, and they rapped again, and after some little
pause the door was opened by a ferret-eyed Scotch wench,
who was vainly endeavouring to bolt some half- masticated
food, and violently choking in the attempt.
' Is Mr. Sartoris at home 1 ' asked Newton, with vast
politeness.
The Scotch maid opened her eyes so wide, that it was evi-
dent to our friends that Sartoris was not often troubled with
visitors. At length, having swallowed the obstinate morsel,
she shut the door, and proceeded to the stairs, saying
' Ou ay, gang till the tap ; ' and having condescended to say
this much, she vanished to regions below, in apparent disgust
at having put herself out of the way to answer the door for
' the attic.'
Our friends being left to themselves, having nothing else
for it, commenced the ascent, up, up, up, one, two, three,
four, five flights of stairs ; and yet another.
1 Heavens and earth ! ' said Newton, panting ; * Albert
Smith's Mont Blanc is a fool to this.'
They stood opposite a supernaturally narrow and dirty
flight of broken steps.
' Come along, old boy,' said Ned, and with one more effort
they stood at the top.
There was no landing-place, nothing but a low black door
LIFE AMONGST THE CHIMNEY-POTS 119
before them. At this they knocked; it opened, and they
entered.
* Well, you see, we have scaled your fortress,' quoth Ned.
* I am glad to see you in my lofty habitation. Pray, make
yourselves at home, and as comfortable as you can,' was the
reply.
We must describe Vincent Sartoris's attic. It contained
a bed, a chair, a small three-legged table, a wash-hand basin,
jug, and a glass ; and that was all it did contain by way of
furniture. The window, which was open, looked out upon
the leads, which were bounded in front, some three feet from
the window, by a low parapet wall, beyond which vast stacks
of chimneys, church spires, and other lofty buildings might
be seen. Over the remarkably small grate was fixed a tem-
porary but capacious mantel-shelf, greatly out of proportion
to the grate, and innocent of paint. This was an article of
luxury of Vincent's own construction. It was covered with
a multitude of things, and over it hung a crooked Turkish
scimitar, which Newton surmised rightly was the famed con-
venticle. Two or three swords of different shapes, a six-shot
revolver, and a crooked Moorish dagger; an Arkansas tooth-
pick, or bowie-knife ; an ancient spear-head ; and a single
modern duelling-pistol, whose fellow reposed in a baize-lined
mahogany-case, which was lying open on the bed. Three or
four skins of wild beasts formed the coverlet of the bed ; and
the head of a panther grinned jovially at them, with a pipe
stuck in his mouth and a Turkish fez on his head. From
over the mantel-shelf other trophies of Mr. Sartoris's skill in
destroying the savage monsters of the desert and forest were
scattered about the room, and gave it a most picturesque
appearance.
Mr. Sartoris or, as we are getting familiar with him, let
us call him Vincent was smoking the invariable short pipe
when our friends entered, and did the duties of hospitality
with as much politeness and grace as if his attic were a
palace. It seems odd, perhaps, to say so, and you might
laugh at the idea of a man doing the honours in an attic ;
but Vincent was not a man to be laughed at ; everything he
did was perfectly easy, natural, and gentlemanly ; and it
no more seemed odd to him to be hospitable and pleasant
and jovial, and all that, in an attic in Tottenham Court Road,
than it would in a tent in the desert, an Indian wigwam, or
120 NEWTON DOG VANE
even a grand establishment in Bedford Square, or, for the
matter of that, in Belgravia.
' Ben, get off that box, and let the gentleman have it, and
fetch me that skin ; ' and Ben, who was a dog, and a nonde-
script dog, bred between a Newfoundland and a bull, got
gravely down from the box upon which he had been reposing,
and dragged the indicated skin a beautiful black bear-skin
towards his master. Vincent threw it over the box Ben
had vacated, and offered it as a seat for Newton. Ned was
favoured with the chair, whilst Vincent sat on the foot
of the bed.
1 You smoke, I know,' said their host. * Which shall I offer
you Shiraz, bird's-eye, or Cavendish ? They are all here ; '
and he lifted down a small box from a shelf in a recess at the
side of the fireplace. Ned preferred bird's-eye, and he chose
it now. Newton had never tasted Shiraz ; so he indulged in
a long jasmin tube and large bowl of a very mild and pleasant
substance, which gave him, as it does most novices, a faint
idea of a freshly erected hayrick with a bran new tarpaulin
over it and not such a very unpleasant idea either.
' Now what will you do in the drinking way ? Are you
coffee-drinkers ? I can make it in a minute by yon invention
of my own/ pointing to a small cylinder which in the distance
looked like a tin quart pot. * I ought to make a fortune by
that thing. Simplest thing in the world ; boils and broils at
the same time, and all for the small charge of one farthing.
A penn'orth of my stuff will cook four meals; and those
things could be made and sold at a shilling a-piece, and pay
me 50 per cent, then.'
* But why don't you bring it out ? ' asked Ned.
* Bring it out ! Pooh ! none but fools in my circumstances
bring things out now ! Wise men, rich men, and men of the
world, lie in wait and steal 'em when they are brought out.
The fools do kick now and then, and do go to law with them ;
the wise men go to law too. Their purses are the longest;
the fools sometimes die ruined and broken-hearted, and the
wise men make fortunes out of them. Ah ! it's true enough,
patent law, like all other law in England, is quite a question
of money. I brought a thing out once. I never had but
2000 for a capital ; indeed, it was all I had. It was a very
great public benefit, my invention, and it was pirated of
course. I went to law and won my cause; it was moved to
LIFE AMONGST THE CHIMNEY-POTS 121
another court, and then another, and then back again. I
sunk ^"1700 of my ^2000 in the job ; and then, seeing I had
no chance, pulled in. The pirate has a villa at Richmond, a
house at Brighton, and another in yon square, which he made
out of my brains ; and I have travelled for a living since, and
written travels, &c., for twopenny papers.' At this moment
a low bark came from Ben, who had walked out through the
window on to the leads. l There is the boy for copy, which
I had just finished when you entered I beg your pardon,
will either of you prefer beer to coffee ? 7
'I think I should,' said Newton, who was not a coffee-
drinker, 'only the trouble of fetching it;' and Newton
thought of the flight of stairs.
' Oh, pray don't let your ideas wander in that direction.
We do without the Alps, as I call the six flights of stairs you
had to mount, in all those little matters. Indeed, I may say
I have Napoleonised them. If you would see how I manage,
follow me ; ' and taking the paper which he had referred to
off the table, Vincent stepped upon a box, and so through
the open window, and our friends followed him.
No. 1 9 was a corner house in the street, the front of which
was opposite the attic windows ; the other side of the house,
which formed one of the sides of the angle, went sheer down
into a blind court, and on this side it was all dead wall no
windows. On the angle of the wall sat Ben, who was looking
assiduously down into the court, and wagging his tail slowly
in token of some sort of recognition. Projecting slightly
over the wall was a small temporary windlass or crane, with
a stout cord wound on it, to which was attached a small
basket which lay upon the leads.
Looking over into the street, they saw a boy waiting, in
evident expectation of something from above ; he did not wait
long, for, placing the papers in the basket, with a sixpence,
Yincent launched it over the parapet, and, setting the wind-
lass in motion, allowed it slowly to descend into the street.
As he did so he gave a shrill whistle, and from a public-housa
which formed the opposite angle of the court, on the other
side of the way, emerged a potboy, who, looking up to the
parapet, received a telegraphic communication, and re-enter-
ing the house, returned speedily with a foaming pot of half-
and half. By this time the basket had reached its destina-
tion; the lad took out his papers, and, nodding, vanished
122 NEWTON DOG VANE
round the corner in the midst of a shrilly whistled bar of
1 Partant pour la Syrie.'
The potboy placed the pot carefully in the basket, took
out the sixpence, and retired ; the basket was wound up and
returned to its place.
' What a capital contrivance ! ' quoth Newton.
'Yes,' said Vincent, 'saves no end of legs. There are
some advantages in living in an attic, which the lower regions
don't enjoy. There's a stronger cord and a larger basket,
which I clap on for heavy goods, as coals, &c. &c. ; and in case
of fire, you see, it serves for a fire-escape ; or I can get to the
other end of the street in five minutes another advantage
in London ' and Vincent pointed to the range of parapet,
which, with a low party wall between each house, ran the
whole length of the street. ' The only thing I miss is my
garden. I always had a garden in Paris, but the smoke kills
everything here, so one cucumber-frame is all I can manage ; '
and, turning into a slight recess, he pointed to a small
cucumber-frame, now tenanted only by a few withering and
yellow leaves. ' I have a weakness,' he continued, * for cutting
my own cucumbers in the season ; besides, it amuses me to
cultivate something; and a man must have something to
take an interest in.'
' But how on earth did you manage ? '
' Oh, the windlass does wonders ; got it all up that way ;
and an acquaintance of mine travelling market-gardener
donkey-cart man did the rest. You should have seen my
beans, and peas, and lettuces, and even flowers, in Paris,
though. Yonder's my target,' and he pointed across the
street to a wide stack of chimneys, whereon was affixed a
round iron plate, showing marks of Vincent's handiwork.
' But isn't it dangerous ? ' asked Newton.
' Dangerous ! How ? I never miss my aim ; and when the
target is black all over, my friend opposite a medical stu-
dent, not a bad fellow either re- whitens -it for me ; that's
about once a week, for pistol-shooting, to excel in it, requires
constant practice. There's one spot of white left there now ; '
and stepping into the room, he took down the pistol they had
noticed from its hook, raised it carefully in the direction of
the target, fired, and the spot of white, which was near the
outer rim of the target, vanished. I laving accomplished tin's,
he carefully wiped the lock of the pistol, rlraned the bunvl
LIFE AMONGST THE CHIMNEY-POTS 123
out with a piece of oiled rag, and returned the pistol to its
place.
' Did you ever use that pistol for other than peace ? That
is, for ' and Newton hesitated.
* At a human, do you mean ? ' said Sartoris, coolly. ' Oh,
yes ; and the other one too. Let me see, it was this pistol
no yes, this was the pistol I shot Heinkerstrom with at
Hougoumont. I know it by the mark on the stock ; that's
where his bullet glanced from, grazed my knuckle, and ripped
up my sleeve, just lifting the skin and baring the muscle.
Lucky for me, my pistol covered my head.'
1 And did you kill him ? '
* As dead as a stone. I went there on purpose.'
4 Went there on purpose ! ' said Ned, with something like
a thrill of horror.
' Ay, indeed, I did. It was a matter of revenge and expia-
tion, perfectly justifiable. Possibly you don't hold with these
notions, or even with duelling at all ; I know most people
don't they call it savage, murder, and all that. No doubt it
is in some instances, but no system is perfect. In the matter
of this very defunct scoundrel, the cause of my seeking him
at all was one of these very cases. And there are many cases
which may occur in the course of life which no law however,
I won't enter into an argument in favour of duelling. I dare
say I should not make a convert of you, although I had the
best of the argument. You see this blackguard but I must
begin at the beginning Charley Sacheverel was an old school-
fellow of mine ; my earliest in fact, my only friend. I had
often protected him at school, and prevented his being bullied ;
and Charle} 7 , in return, loved me like a brother. Poor lad !
I'm sure I loved him too. They called us Pylades and Orestes
at school. Charley was, like myself, without a near relation
in the world ; though he had plenty of money, with guardians
and all that. At last Charley came of age. He had fallen
in love with a very pretty girl a short time before, and wanted
to marry her offhand ; but her friends thought her young,
and Charley young too, so they advised him to see a little
more of the world first take a tour, and so forth. Charley
didn't want to go abroad ; he was rather domestic, stay-at-
home very innocent, harmless, and quiet, though there was
a bit of the devil in him too, when he was put out. But the
friends advised the girl to wait for a twelvemonth, and she
124 NEWTON DOGVANE
consented ; so, as there was nothing else for it, Charley set out
on his tour. We needn't enter into where he went or what
he did \ it is sufficient to say that within about a month of
his intended return he found himself at Ems, where he fell
in with this scoundrel, Von Heinkerstrom. I should think
Charley hardly ever touched a card or a dice in his life ; but
Heinkerstrom and one or two others got hold of him, and by
degrees infected him. To shorten the story, they kept him
there long past the time when he was expected home to be
married, and in the end entirely ruined him. A quarrel
sprung up, and Heinkerstrom, who was a noted swordsman
and pistol-shot, had out his victim, who scarcely knew one
end of a pistol from another, and as he brutally said, ' having
paid well for his life, he sold it to him ; ' but he shot him in
the thigh and smashed the bone, so that he was obliged to
lose his leg. Poor lad ! I shall never forget that pale, pinched
face, as he hobbled on crutches, the last time I had seen it
so ruddy and joyous with health. Having lost a quarter of
himself, and nearly all his fortune, the lady excused herself
from having anything further to do with him, or even from
seeing him ; alleging his late neglect of her as the reason,
and pretending to think he had completely thrown her over.
Poor fellow ! He was quite prepared to relinquish his en-
gagement, though he did not expect the blow to come from
her. It was cruel, abominable. Six weeks after, she married
young Hagley, of the Stock Exchange; and in another twelve-
month ran off to Brussels with a scamp, who, of course, threw
her off when he grew tired of her. She got rather notori-
ous at Home, where I often saw her. She was very pretty.
I don't know where she is now ; I have not heard of her for
some time. Since that moment I have forsworn woman.'
Vincent paused ; he had been speaking in a low, subdued
voice ; he pulled out his handkerchief and blew his nose
violently, re-filled his pipe in silence, and played with Ben's
ears, who had in dog- like sympathy thrust his muzzle into
his master's hand, and placed one of his huge ungainly paws
on his knee. Bending over the dog for some seconds, Vin-
cent sent forth dense puffs of smoke, and hid his face behind
the cloud ; while Newton and Ned looked on at this strong
evidence of feeling with interest and expectation.
1 It seems strange that I should speak of all this to you,'
said Vincent, at length, raising his head and clearing his
A DUEL WITH A VENGEANCE 125
voice, which was husky ' you, who are comparative strangers
to me, and of whom I know so little. But something some-
thing wh ,' and he hesitated 'seems to impel me to do it ;
and the first time I saw you ' turning to Ned, ' I was struck
by a strong resemblance in feature between you and my poor
Charley. So very strong ! Could you have been in any
way related ? ' And he looked earnestly and fixedly at Ned,
as if a great deal depended on his reply.
1 1 should think not,' said Ned ; * I don't know of our
having any relations of that name.'
* It may be but a chance resemblance,' continued Vincent,
with a heavy sigh ; 1 1 had a double myself at Brussels, who
belonged to the king's body-guard, or something of that sort,
I believe, and many a strange contretemps happened in con-
sequence. But you may as well lunch with me, for I am
hungry and, when I can, usually eat when I am so though
my fare is neither varied nor dainty; and I will continue
the story while I get the things out.
And, taking their silence for consent, he turned to a cup-
board and took forth a plate or two, &c., a knuckle of ham
in fair condition, a box of sardines, and the remains of a
barrel of oysters, which he commenced opening with much
adroitness, continuing his story between whiles ; to the re-
mainder of which we must devote another chapter.
CHAPTER XIY.
A DUEL WITH A VENGEANCE
WHILE he prepared the necessaries for the lunch, Yincent
thus continued his story :
1 The news finished him, acting upon his shattered health.
He turned his face to the wall, and in less than a week it
was all over. Having paid the first of my last duties to my
ah friend,' and he again hesitated strangely, * I began
to think about my second vengeance. I have said Yon
Heinkerstrom was an admirable swordsman and pistol-shot.
126 NEWTON DOGVANE
I was an admirable swordsman too. From a child I had
evinced a strong turn for it. My practice was constant. I
had fenced in Paris, in Madrid, in Vienna ; and at twenty I
had held my own against the best swordsmen in the world,
and since then I had improved ; but I was not de premiere
force with the pistol, though tolerably good ; and I felt sure
that, though I could kill Heinkerstrom with the sword with
ease, yet, if I challenged him, somehow my reputation with
the weapon would get wind ; and it was known that I was
not equally good with the pistol ; consequently pistols it would
be. Either way it was as well to make it a certainty, and a
little practice would not be unserviceable ; so for eight months
the pistol was hardly ever out of my hand, except at meal-
time, and some four or five hours' sleep. I need not say
with such perseverance I became tolerably successful ; and
when I considered myself good enough I started for Ems.
I must tell you, however, that I found out from a Pole,
whom I got acquainted with by accident, that Heinkerstrom,
who was a notorious duellist, usually made the head his mark
when he meant killing I don't know why; he was more
accustomed to it perhaps. Sometimes, as in the case of my
friend, he maimed his opponents in the leg, but that was
not often ; he had a knack of getting very quickly on his
opponent's head, after carefully measuring his height by the
eye. I wormed this out of my friend, the Pole, in a little
desultory conversation about duelling. He little thought
the use I should make of it. He found out afterwards,
though ; for that Pole, who liked not Yon Heinkerstrom,
happened to be at Brussels at the time of the quarrel, and
was my second Stanislaus Lavitzky; he became a great
friend of mine after I slew Heinkerstrom. I think he has
turned Mahommedan, and is something in the Turkish service
a Pasha or something. Having learnt this, I thought it
as well to turn my attention to it ; and, practising opposite
the glass pretty constantly, I managed to bring up my hand,
wrist, and pistol, so as to cover the greater part of my head.
You may have noticed a peculiar way I have at times of hold-
ing a pistol. It's difficult to get at my head, you see ; ' and
Vincent suited the action to the discourse, find certainly there
was not much of his head visible. ' All this is very cool and
bloodthirsty, you will think ; but I was goinjr to fight a very
cool and bloodthirsty scoundrel, who had killed my ah
A DUEL WITH A VENGEANCE 127
friend, in part actively, and partly by slow torture, and I
did not think it worth while giving a chance away. It was
\vell for me, as it turned out, that I did not. I started for
Ems ; he wasn't there ; so I went on to Baden, and thence
to Brussels ; there I found him. I soon got introduced to
Heinkerstrom. We became acquaintances ; and I watched
my opportunity. He was playing ecarte one night with a
Captain Stevens.'
1 Stevens ! ' said both our friends in a breath. ' What !
Stevens of the th ? '
* The same,' answered Vincent. ' Do you know him ? He
is in town. I saw him a week since.'
* Oh, very well indeed. There's a ' and Ned was about
to say ' an engagement between him and one of rny sisters ; '
but he checked himself, thinking it as well to be silent, and
turned it off with 'a scar on his left temple.'
* Exactly. How singular ! Why, we ought to be quite old
acquaintances.' And he smiled a faint smile. * However, they
were playing ecarte, and Stevens was losing, of course. Not
much though, for he seldom touched cards or dice as a gambler,
though he would for amusement now and then throw a piece
on the tables, or enter into some small trial of skill, just
to do as others did. How he ever came to know or sit
down with that ruffian, I can't conceive. He hadn't the same
interest in becoming acquainted with him that I had. But
people make acquaintances abroad much more freely and easily
than they do here, and Heinkerstrom, though of shady re-
putation, passed for a gentleman. The play went on. I was
sure Heinkerstrom was cheating somehow. It wasn't in his
nature to play fair. At length I fancied I saw the scoundrel
slip a card. No doubt I was right. I stopped the game
at once, and distinctly informed the Captain he was being
cheated. Everything was confusion and uproar in a moment.
Lavitzky was by ; he stood my friend, and he implored me to
let him say it was a mistake that I had been drinking to
retract, and to let the Captain fight his own battle. He was
a good fellow, and didn't wish to see me put out of the world.
Nothing but a meeting would satisfy either Heinkerstrom
or myself. So it was arranged to come off at Hougoumont
the next morning. We chose to go some way from town, so
as to be quite secure from any interruption. As early as we
could get out of the city the next morning, Lavitzky, a little
128 NEWTON DOG VANE
medico from the Montagne de la Cour, whom the medico,
not the montagne Lavitzky insisted upon bringing for
form's sake not that he was likely to be of much use
Stevens, who begged to be allowed to be of the party, as he
was mixed up in the quarrel, and myself, passed through the
porte, without interruption, in a vigilant my likeness to
the man about court standing me in good stead and rolled
along over the flat, uninteresting country. I forgot to say
that, after some little difficulty, the question of weapons re-
solved itself into pistols, as I had foreseen. I had been out
in two or three harmless affairs before twice with the small-
sword, when I scratched and disarmed my antagonist, and
once with pistols, when I was touched on the shoulder ; but
they were trifling matters, though they served to assure me
that my nerve was good. This, however, was a very different
affair, and I knew that one or the other would not leave the
ground alive, and I hoped it would not be my fortune to
remain.
1 But although I felt perfectly easy as to the result, I was
distrait, and I turned a deaf ear to Lavitzky, who gave me
a world of good advice. As we went along, I was thinking
of poor Charley, and did not heed. Lavitzky, not knowing
the cause of my absence of mind, redoubled his advice and
cautions till we reached the mound. Everybody knows
Waterloo and Hougoumont. If they have not seen it, they
have read the description of it a hundred times. We had
not long to wait. Our opponents soon made their appear-
ance, and the seconds proceeded to arrange matters.
1 " He has brought a surgeon with him," I heard one of
Heinkerstrom's friends whisper to him. There were two
of them.
' " Er sollte einen Leichenbesorger hergebracht haben "
(he should have brought an undertaker), observed Heinker-
strom, a little louder, and with a hoarse laugh.
* " One of us may need one," thought I.
'All was at length arranged, the ground was measured,
and we stood at our appointed places. I glanced at Heinker-
strom. There was a small piece of fluff, or feather, or some
white substance, which had accidentally stuck on the breast of
his closely buttoned surtout. He saw my glance, and looking
down, with a grim smile, brushed it away. " N*importe"
thought I, " it will do. " / nevei* took my eye off the spot ;
A DUEL WITH A VENGEANCE 129
though it may sound strange, not a motion or gesture of
his escaped me. Heinkerstrom raised his hand slowly and
steadily, looking sternly at me all the while, as if to sweep
the hair from his brow, or to arrange the position of his hat.
I noticed, however, that his hand paused for the least shade
of a second, if pause it could be called, when it reached about
the level of his own face he was as nearly as possible of my
stature a stranger would not have remarked the motion, it
was so apparently a mere ordinary gesture.
* " He's taking your measure, your height, mon ami the
bloodthirsty villain ! " whispered Lavitzky ; " I will protest,
and alter your positions."
1 " Not for the world," I answered. " Quick, give us the
pistols, and be quiet."
' The next moment the pistols were in our hands; our seconds
withdrew a few paces ; the word was given. I heard but one
report, and almost feared my own pistol had missed fire, as
I felt a slight jar and a sensation as if a hot wire had touched
the skin of my arm. Heinkerstrom glared at me for a second,
as if with rage and astonishment ; then swayed backwards,
with a convulsive motion recovered himself, threw up his arms,
and fell like a lump of lead on his face and Charley was
avenged. My pistol had indeed saved me ; an inch one way
or the other in its position, and I had been with Heinkerstrom.
He had passed away, and the air seemed clearer, the sky
bluer than before.
* " If you hadn't shot him I should have been obliged to,"
said Stevens, as we parted.
' " I'm glad I saved you the trouble," I answered, " because
it is possible he might have shot you." '
1 And how did you feel afterwards ? ' asked Ned.
* Didn't you feel rather uncomfortable?' quoth Newton.
' It must be dreadful to kill a man, even in a duel, where the
risk is equal.'
* Feel ! ' said Vincent, looking from one to the other, ' I
felt no more compunction than I should in killing a rat. It
is dreadful, no doubt, to kill a man, but such a reptile ruffian
as that ! I felt that I had freed the Continent of one of the
greatest pests that ever disgraced it a wretch by whose hand
at least six harmless victims fell, and more than as many
more were maimed for life a villain who had ruined more
innocent youths, a scoundrel who had seduced more women,
i
130 NEWTON DOGVANE
broken more hearts, and caused more sorrow and disaster, in
the course of his gentlemanly career, than any other two or
three of his class in Europe. It is fortunate for society that
he did find some one to put an end to him, or Heaven knows
how much more mischief he might have done by this time.
Pah ! don't let us talk of the dog. ' Vincent was undeniably
a good hater. Indeed, he never did anything by halves.
Meantime, our friends, with good appetite, had been pay-
ing their devours to the lunch, which rapidly grew small by
degrees, beautifully less under their attacks. At length the
repast came to an end, and Vincent, tossing the now despised
ham -bone to Ben, replaced the crockery.
1 1 see you are looking at that panther's head,' he said, as
he huddled the plates, &c., into the cupboard. 'Ben, they
are talking of your old friend. Painters, Ben.'
And Ben raised his head from the ham-bone, and looked
up at the panther's visage with a low growl.
' Ah ! I see you remember him.'
Ben gave a half grunt, half growl, which said as plain as dog
could say, ' I should think I did ! ' and fell again to his bone.
' I slew that gentleman on the banks of the Saskatchewan,
which runs into Lake Winnipeg, in North America. By the
way, just after my duel with Heinkerstrom, I went there for
a little change. It had often struck me that it was possible
to carry a canal from Canada to the opposite shore, near Van-
couver Island, and so bring the whole traffic of an almost
new colony, as well as the merchandise and trade of China
and the East, through Canada, thus opening a communication
through a hitherto sealed-up country, and affording immense
facilities for colonising and civilising it, by means of an
easily obtained highroad.'
' But is that possible ? ' asked Newton, fully alive to the-
commercial magnitude and advantages of the schema
'Possible !' said Vincent, pausing for a moment and musing ;
' it is quite possible to construct even a railway from one shore
to the other, and at a very small comparative expense, too.
Why, the Americans, I believe, are engaged in constructing
a railway from Michigan to San Francisco, a distance of two
thousand three hundred miles, whilst we have canal communi-
cation almost open as far as Lake Superior, nnd si mil soon,
if it is not already done, have rail from Quebec to Huron,
and might carry one across a distance of sixteen hundred.'
A DUEL WITH A VENGEANCE 131
* What a gigantic undertaking ! ' said Ned and Newton,
both in a breath.
* Gigantic at the first sight, I grant you,' answered Vincent.
* But the cost would be something tremendous/ said Ned.
1 At the rate you constructed the Greenwich and Blackwall
railways, which cost, one above three hundred thousand pounds
and the other above two hundred thousand pounds per mile,
or even the Great Western, we'll say, which cost above fifty
thousand pounds ; but railways in Canada may be constructed
from three thousand to four thousand pounds per mile. Split
the difference, and say three thousand five hundred pounds,
and your sixteen hundred miles will cost you five million six
hundred thousand pounds say six million pounds and it
will be somewhere about one-half the cost of the Great
Western Railway, without any of its branches. But even
this is not necessary. Look here ! ' and Vincent dragged
out from an old box a well-thumbed map of North America.
' Now, see ; from Lake St. Anne, near the north-western
shore of Lake Superior, to Fort Garry, on the Red River
settlement, at the south of Lake Winnipeg, is a distance of
four hundred miles, and it comprises the most beautiful and
fertile country in the world. It is well watered by numerous
streams and lakes, while forests of elm, oak, lime, and birch
spread in all directions. The ground is carpeted with no
end of flowers of all sorts, and fruits which we produce in
our gardens gooseberries, raspberries, plums, and grapes
grow in wild profusion there. As to minerals, there is any
amount of them, and plenty of coal to smelt them with. It
is a magnificent and splendid territory, and only wants to be
known ; for nothing but prejudice (the Hudson's Bay or "Stop-
the-way " Company) and false reports have hitherto Jcept it the
wilderness it is.* Well, now look here : a line connecting
the two lakes would cost about a million and a half ; or you
might, at a very small cost, carry a canal from Superior to
* These lines, written in 1852, anticipated the Times' article on the Red
River settlement of July 1858. The above description is founded on
the report of a gentleman who had traversed the entire route. On his
report, few, if any, travellers disagree. That the Times' article is, there-
fore, a tissue of errors, it is unnecessary to state. England will only
discover the value of this territory when she has lost it. What other
country but England would have so long been possessed of a territory
comprising two millions of square miles, without sending dozens of com-
missioners to report upon its productions and capabilities ?
132 NEWTON DOG VANE
Winnipeg. See, the Lake of the Woods and Rainy Lake,
two lakes which are feeders of Winnipeg, and throw out
branches to within a very short distance of the shores of
Superior. There it is, you see water almost the whole
distance. Now look at Lake Winnipeg, on the eastern
side ; it sends two large rivers, the Nelson and the Severn,
down to Hudson's Bay. There the communication with the
Atlantic is direct and ever open ; while, on the north-western
shore, the River Saskatchewan runs to it all the way from
the Rocky Mountains, and is navigable for boats almost from
its rise to its embouchure about, let me see, about four hundred
miles. See, now, on the western side of the Rocky Mountains,
the River Columbia, which runs into the Pacific just below
Quadra or Vancouver's Island. Now the Columbia and the
Saskatchewan rise within twenty feet of one another- one
flows east and the other west so there, you see, you have a
clear communication straight through to Hudson's Bay, and
through which the Hudson's Bay mail is even now, or was,
carried, with the exception of a short distance, and likewise
with Quebec and the Gulf of St. Lawrence, all chalked out
for you by Nature.'
* Why, it's as plain as A, B, C,' said Newton, who sat
staring at the maps, and tracing the course of the rivers
with a pencil. ' We might beat the Yankees by chalks, if
we liked, and open up a highroad for new colonies all through
this territory the Hudson's Bay territory it now .is, but
won't be long, it is to be hoped.'
4 Of course we might,' answered Vincent, ' though I
prefer the railway myself not so liable to freeze, and is
so much shorter. And as for the cold winters, there must
be some drawback in all new colonies, and a good deal of
that has been overstated.'
* But you couldn't carry your railway over the Rocky
Mountains,' said Ned, reflectively.
' Then how can the Yankees ? But that's all nonsense.
The Rocky Mountains are a mere bugbear to the scheme in
question; for they are broken up into ravines and valleys
every here and there, and there are plenty of places where
you could slip through without a great deal of stiff work.
Even if there were not these places, you must not think of
the Alps when you think of the Rocky Mountains. Tln-ir
height is not so formidable as you think, because the rise,
A DUEL WITH A VENGEANCE 133
though great in the aggregate, is very gradual till you come
to the actual peaks. They form in many places a series of
immense plateaux, many hundred miles in extent ; and it
would be far easier to break them with a rail than it would
the Alps though a rail through the Alps is not impossible.
But never mind ; perhaps the Canadians will do it themselves
one of these days, when they've kicked off the old country, or
have passed away from us into other hands. Bat all this is
apart from the painter's head I was to tell you about. You
see, after the duel I wanted a bit of a change, and I was look-
ing over that map to see if there was anything worth doing
there, and the idea of the canal business struck me. So I took
down the conventicle by the by, I'll do the candle-trick, ac-
cording to promise, presently took down the conventicle and
had half of the precious stones out of the right side of the hilt
in a twinkling. The other half took me through South
America, botanising for the Society, collecting new plants
where there were new ones to collect. It doesn't cost me
much when I travel, for I don't mind about faring sump-
tuously. There's one or two in the left side of the hilt yet,
you see,' and Vincent took down the weapon and handed it
to Ned ; and there certainly had been wild work with the
hilt. There were the beds where sundry precious stones
abode once ; but the stones themselves, with the exception
of two or three, were wanting. ' It doesn't matter about
the hilt being precious, you know, so that it grips well, and
the steel is sound.' And taking a candle from the cupboard,
Vincent tied a piece of string round one end of it, and sus-
pended it from a hook in the ceiling, talking meanwhile.
' Well, I took them to two Jews and a Christian successively,
and the Christian was the greatest thief of the three, offer-
ing me about two-thirds of what the Jews did. I pledged
them at last with one of the Jews for seventy pounds, and
off I went.'
1 Pledged them ! ' said Newton.
' Yes ; oh, yes ; they're all pledged ; and I mean to have
them all back again, and re-set, some of these days, whenever
I can sit steadily down for a year or two, and make a fortune.
No difficulty about making a fortune, you know, if you only
give your mind to it, and can stick at it for a couple of years
or so. So off I started. One of these days I'll tell you more
about it ; but we'll cut all the intermediate out now. One
134 NEWTON DOGVANE
evening I was dozing in the canoe. This was on the Saskat-
chewan. By the way, we'd had a stiffish day of it, paddling
from sunrise till evening, with only a pipe and an hour or
so's rest in the extreme heat of the day and it ?s hot in
the summer, I tell you. We had made a longish stretch
of it. George, my companion, a half-bred Blackfoot, whose
other name, Kish-Kosh something or other, signified " The
Wriggling Snake," was spearing fish for supper from a flat
rock, some fifty or sixty yards below. I was half leaning, half
reclining against one of the low seats of the dug-out, watching
his motions. Ben was lying across my legs. Now, whenever
I wasn't doing anything else, particularly on the banks of a
river, it was a regular custom of mine to have the butt of my
revolver firmly clasped in my hand. Indeed, I usually slept
with it so ; for one never knows in those sort of places what
may turn up, and it's always as well to be prepared. It was
there now. The sun was gradually sinking, mellowing every-
thing with its golden hues. The trees waved softly and
pleasantly, the cool water gurgled deliciously. George was
evidently collecting every necessary for a first-rate supper. I
was in a confoundedly happy state of mind ; just so tired as
to feel a lazy enjoyment in being tired, and in having some-
body else to get you your supper. By degrees things began
to grow dim to my eyesight, and I was just dropping off into
a delightful nap, when Ben gave the faintest possible indi-
cation of a growl. Ben never wastes words, so I was broad
awake in a second. Ben was looking with strained eyes and
bristling mane to the landing-place, which was a few yards
off five or six, may be. I loosened my right arm, looked
hastily at my revolver to see that all was right, put my arm
in the most favourable attitude with regard to the landing-
place, and waited with breathless expectation ; but I could
hear nothing. It shows, however, the extraordinary acute-
ness of an Indian's senses, when I tell you that hardly a
second or two had elapsed after Ben's notice, when I saw, at
a side -glance, George, who had his spear raised in the very
act of poising to strike a fish, suddenly stand with hand, arm,
and spear raised as if carved from stone, and with his head
partly on one side and turned towards me ; his whole atti-
tude gave one the idea of a pointer suddenly come upon game.
I lifted up my revolver, and placed my arm in the position
I have mentioned, to show him I was prepared; and, as it'
A DUEL WITH A VENGEANCE 135
satisfied with the motion, he merely looked round to see that
his rifle was at hand, if necessary, and loosening his knife in
its sheath, he went on spearing his fish, though I could see
by the way his head was turned, with one ear and half an
eye cocked towards me, that his occupation by no means
engrossed all his attention. The landing-place I have men-
tioned was a low, flat, tabular rock, very similar to the one
George was spearing fish from ; there was a pile of brush and
deadwood on it, which George had collected to form a fire
with, partly for culinary purposes, and partly to keep away
unpleasant visitors during the night. I heard a slight rustle
behind it it was close to the low underwood and from
behind it advanced a magnificent panther. Whether he was
going to drink, or to cross the river, which was only a fork,
and was narrow here, I can't say ; but the instant he saw
the canoe, he paused, and drew a little back. I thought he
was going to spring, and was about to raise my pistol ; but
he merely reconnoitred the position. I had a good view of
him, and could have covered his eye from where I sat in a
second ; I repressed the motion, however, and watched him.
The distance seemed too great, and he backed ; and I thought
he was going to back out of it and beat a retreat, which I
should have allowed him to do gladly, as it is never worth
while discharging firearms thereabouts, unless you are obliged
to. Ben behaved like a Trojan, as he always does, and he
watched my eye, but never moved a muscle, though quite
ready to sacrifice his life to save mine, if need be. The brute,
however, after reconnoitring a moment, as I said, drew back ;
there was a large tree close behind him, which threw its
branches far out over the river some of them hung over the
canoe. With one spring he was up the tree and on the lower
fork ; his intention was evidently to walk out on one of the
branches, and spring down on us. Things were getting un-
pleasant. Like a huge cat after a tomtit, he came crawling
along the branch, which bent under his weight, and he was
quite near enough to be pleasant when I raised my arm slowly ;
he saw the motion, and lowered his head as if to spring ; but
a bullet in his brain, and another between his ribs, as he
hung to the branch with his fore-claws in the tenacity of a
death struggle, brought him down like a pigeon, and he fell
flop upon the further end of the dug-out, and upset it ; man,
dog, panther, and all, went floundering into eight or ten feet
136 NEWTON DOG VANE
of water. The proximity of the beast, which was not yefc
quite dead, was not pleasant ; and I struck out for an old
tree some twenty yards down, while George came bounding
like a flying squirrel along the bank, rifle in hand. But
there was a more efficient ally at hand, and Ben had the
beast by the throat in a twinkling. He had enough life in
him to lay poor Ben's side open, and break three of his ribs
with one little pat. It was a last effort, and Ben, who never
let go of him, towed him ashore with George's assistance. I
got out, shook myself, and lent a hand at the panther. The
next day, George fished up the things which had gone to the
bottom, whilst I skinned the varmint and cut off his head.
Painters, Ben.'
Ben growled.
' There, that's the way to slice a candle ; ' and, all being
complete, with a drawing cut from the conventicle, Vincent
severed the candle, one half of which dropped on the ground,
while the other, apparently very little disturbed by the
stroke, hung slightly vibrating on the string.
CHAPTER XY.
DE OMNIBUS REBUS
SINCE Newton's first stay, he had made a flying visit or two
to Crookhani, having a strong desire to improve his acquaint-
ance there, though he seldom stayed beyond a few hours.
Why he should do so, really we can hardly say. Perhaps,
if any young lady between the ages of seventeen and seven-
and-twenty should happen to glance over these pages, she
may be able to help us to a solution. It really does seem
strange to some people for a young gentleman to ride or
drive some twenty miles into the country, just to pay a mere
visit of ceremony, you know, or upon some equally trivial
errand, and, when takpn to task on the subject, to turn very
red in the face, and be unable to give any good, valid, or
sufficient reason why he goes so far to do, upon the face of it
and by his own showing, so little. For the last week some-
DE OMNIBUS REBUS 137
how he had not been to Crookham ; the fact is, ' he had been
there a good deal of late, and business required his presence
in town.' Beyond this we are compelled to state, that the
ladies that is, Charlotte and Bessie were in town. They
had come up on a short visit to a friend, and were busy with
winter fashions, or some of those things with which ladies
will be busy, very busy at certain times. Ned, too, was in
town ; but he always appeared to have engagements, which
prevented his being much with them. Nobody, at least
none of his friends, knew with whom or where they were
kept. The Captain, too, had a good deal of business on his
hands just then ; he expected to be ordered to the East very
shortly, and had many duties to perform. Accordingly the
chief duty of esquiring the ladies about fell upon Newton ;
and it is remarkable that, though business prevented his
going down to Crookham, it never for a moment interfered
with any engagement he might have with the sisters ; and
if ever a man was indefatigable in his efforts to procure
amusement, or anything else that was or could be desired
in the great world of London by two young ladies, Newton
Dogvane was that man. Theatre, concert, show show, con-
cert, theatre ; they went everywhere, and enjoyed themselves
very much; and even the haughty Charlotte showed that
she could appreciate the pleasures of London, although she
might curve her beautiful lip at some of its follies. Well,
and why shouldn't they enjoy themselves, Mr. Cynic ? Sup-
pose they had seen most of it before, it would bear seeing
again ; and they were young and lively, not old and blase,
like some folks who have seen it all, mayhap, hundreds of
times. Newton was walking down Regent Street one after-
noon with one of the sisters on each arm, when he was
accosted by a gentleman with a thing like a slice out of a
white voluminous boa under one arm, and a very shiny and
diminutive black-and-tan farrier, as it is called, under the
other; while two more hairy canines, resembling black monkey-
skin muffs, were towed along behind him by a string.
* Ax yer pard'n, sir ; but could I speak a word ? ' Newton
stopped, of course. 'It's Tightner, sir. Ax yer pard'n,
ladies. They're war'nted all on 'em free from wice ; wouldn't
bite a babby, nar a one on 'em.'
* Oh ! your dog's dead,' said Newton.
'In regard o' that, sir, I were agoin' to ask you, sir,' con-
138 NEWTON DOGVANE
tinued Tightner, ' if there worn't no little balance on that
'ere pinter ? Mungo, sir, as you recklects, you had him away
on trial, and it worn't settled up; and I were thinkin' it
strange I hadn't a hearn on you. It worn't not quite the
right thing, sir, to take a poor cove's dorgs away like that.'
' Excuse rue one minute,' said Newton to the sisters ;
' would you mind my speaking to this man ? I won't detain
you a second.'
And as Bessie and Charlotte stopped to look into a bonnet-
shop, which was fortunately close behind them, he once more
turned to Mr. Tightner, who resumed ' And a cove, too, as
has had misfortins. No, it worn't 'ansum.'
* Mr. Tightner,' said Newton, waxing wroth, not only at
Tightner's tone, but the still hated memory of Mungo ; ' Mr.
Tightner, do you see that gentleman in blue there ? ' pointing
to a policeman, who appeared to be narrowly regarding Mr.
Tightner from the opposite side of the way. If you presume
to address me, or annoy me on the subject of that disgust-
ing brute, which, as you are well aware, was paid for some
twenty times over, I'll call on that gentleman to settle our
differences between us.'
This, of course, did not at all suit Mr. Tightner's views,
and he changed his tone for one that sounded much more
sincere and earnest. Poor devil ! he looked awfully hard-
up and lanthorn- jawed, and his ankle-jacks were not the
ankle- jacks of yore. In fact, he looked really worn, miser-
able, and wretched.
* Well, it's a hard thing to a cove as has had misfortins,
and twenty-three bulls, and the sweetest lot of tarriers as
wos, bit by a &c. &c. &c. &c.'d cur, as creeped into the
kennel like a snake in the grass, and mad as a hatter, and
bit 'em all, leastways one bit t'other, and they was all obli-
gated to be destroyed and that 'ere beautiful bull as weighed
eighty pound, and as I 'adn't the 'art to kill, and got out at
dead o' night, and right upon the kids' beds, and them kids
kivered over in the blankets too, and worried them blankets
nil to bits o' fiddle-strings, tryin' to get at 'em, and the kids
u screamin' orful, till he left 'em, and run down into the pit,
where I shut 'im in, and shot 'im through the winder, which
in consekens of the frit it gi'n her, Mrs. Tight have had a fit,
and took to gin sewere, and haves the speechless 'plexy twice
a day reglar, arid the youngest ain't never recovered the frit
DE OMNIBUS REBUS 139
nuther, but sits crunched up in vun corner o' the room, and
shivers jist like death when you comes anighst 'im. The
doctors says it's a lunacy. And it's all broke me right up
into bits. A cove as had a 'stablishment, too, obliged to pad
the hoof, and I ain't the cove I was, along of havin' the
'orrors a watchin' that 'ere poor kid, when Missus Tight
were down ; and no wit ties ain't good for a cove neither.
Things is gallus bad, they is. Buy a tarrier, sir ? There's
a beauty nothink but bad luck ever since I sold you that
J ere Mungo, and you so straightforrard in the deal, too
no, nothink but bad luck/
A sudden thought seemed to seize Mr. Tightner.
* There, sir, I knows I done yer on that 'ere Mungo ; he
worn't worth hangin'. Still, it's a while since I done the
straight thing, and misfortunes weighs 'eavy on a cove. Take
him for nuffin, sir. P'raps that'll change it, and bring good
luck again. Who knows 1 I never thought o' that,' and with
something almost like a tear rolling down Mr. Tightner's
dirty face, he held out the terrier a really handsome little
beast, if extreme ugliness be beauty at arm's length, and
tried to push it into Newton's hands.
* Nonsense, Tightner, I don't want the dog. I'm sorry for
you. Don't be a fool. Here's a sovereign. Be a man ; why
don't you cut dog- fancying ? '
' I'd cut it t'morrer, sir, if I knowed any other line open,
for I never done no good at it. But 'ow is one to cut it, and
'ow live 1 '
' Where do you live 1 '
' I'm always to be hearn on at Joe Lebeau's, sir ; and
thankye, I'm sure 'tain't every one as J ud- and it's the first
bit o' coin as has crossed my hand this blessed week. But
take the little 'un, sir; he's thorough-bred, and game as
pheasants. P'raps the ladies '
* No, no ; there, that'll do ; I won't forget you. Now go,
there's a good fellow, for I can't wait any longer.'
And, obedient to the wish, Mr. Tightner touched his hat,
and, with renewed thanks, disappeared round the corner,
turning round when he got there to spit on the coin, and
saying to himself
' Now that 'ere gent's a gent a good gent. If all gents
was like him, there wouldn't be so many of us poor devils
about. I done 'im brown, I did I'm 'ard up I tries the
140 NEWTON DOGVANE
leary on 'ini and he don't even blow up. I wishes he 'ad.
I tells 'im of my misfortunes, and he gives me a suv'ring
where some gents J ud a giv' me a month ! Well, he shall
have the 'andsomest toy tarrier in London for nuffin, if it
takes me six months to prig it. If he shan't, may the next
bull as goes mad devour Alec Tightner, body, boots, and all,
his blessed kids, and the old ooman into the bargain ! '
Newton turned towards the shop into which Charlotte and
Bessie had gone to make some little purchase. They were in
the act of coming out, when he saw a man dressed as a
gentleman, and whom he had noticed as having passed the
shop once or twice, and looked in on each occasion push
deliberately and very offensively against the sisters as they
came out of the doorway, and then, taking off his hat, begin
a pretended apology. The insult was so pointed and so gross
that Newton, without a moment's hesitation, stepped up to
the gentleman, and, burning with rage, hit him one flush
blow full on the nose, and with such hearty good- will that
the fellow went spinning into the shop which Bessie and
Charlotte had just left, and, with the blood spirting from his
nose, fell prostrate over a chair. Thus, in the language of
the ring, Newton gained ' the first two events ' at one hit.
The proprietor, who had seen the insult also, here came
forward.
' Now then ! where are you coming ? and what d'ye mean
by letting yer nose bleed all over my premises ? ' he said, as
he took the stranger by the collar, and, dragging him to the
door, kicked him forth again into the street.
'Wilton Crescent,' said Newton to a cabman, whom he
had hastily hailed. 'I'll see you in the evening,' he said
to the sisters, whom he had put into the cab. * Don't be
alarmed ; it's all right ; good-bye.'
The cab drove off, and Newton turned again to the shop,
drawing forth his card-case as he did so. But the gentleman
was gone.
' Bless you, sir, he's round the corner like a shot, sir,' said
the proprietor, ' and ain't I just glad, sir, you dropped into
him. Why, sir, that feller's a reglar nuisance here. I've
seen him annoy ladies many a time, sir, and I've often
expected to see him catch it. But he's generally pretty
artful, sir, and doesn't speak to ladies when there's a gen'le-
man with 'em, sir. I've often thought I should like to kick
DE OMNIBUS REBUS 141
him, sir ; much obliged to you, sir, for affording me the
opportunity. I don't care a rap about the consequences, sir ;
a party's no right to go bleeding his nose like a stuck pig
all over another party's shop, sir, has he, sir ? '
' Certainly not/ said Newton. ' Do you know his name ? '
1 No, sir, I do not.'
* Well, it's of no consequence. Good day.'
* Good day, sir, and I thank you, sir.'
{ Nothing like a little of the noble art of self-defence on
an emergency,' said Newton to himself, as he walked away.
Winter had made its appearance at Crookham ; the early
morning ephemeral white frosts had changed by degrees into
good, hard, sound black ones ; a smart fall of snow had taken
place ; and, when you went out into the morning air, your
breath appeared as if it came from the waste-pipe of a steam
engine, and your moustaches were speedily covered by a
crisp moisture ; and, after a preliminary cough or two, you
inhaled the sharp, bracing air, and puffed it forth again
roundly and heartily, without fear of coughs, colds, or their
attendant evils, springing from such a rough but honest
visitor. Cold ! bless you ! there wasn't a cold in a hemisphere
of it. It wasn't like your insidious London frost and fog, that
creeps into your lungs upon false pretences and settles there ;
but a fair, open friend, who comes to see you, Christmas-like,
once a year, and holds out his hand to you, saying, ' Here I
am, old boy. You must have me, you see. Glad to find you
hearty and strong. The compliments of the season to you
plum-puddings and pantomimes ! What are you shivering
at ? Poke up the fire, if you don't like the cold ; or, better
still, turn out and take a good brisk walk; never mind a
little snow that won't hurt you. D'ye think I'm not just
as good as any of the other seasons of the year ? and just as
wholesome, eh ? Ay, and just as beautiful to look at, too ?
Look out, man, and judge. There are no flowers to be seen,
or only one, perhaps, a monthly rose, solitary, and lovely in
its solitariness. But look at those trees, how sharply each
twig is defined against the clear sky behind ; how they feather
away in their delicate tracery, each spray bearing a tiny line
of snow, and decked with Nature's gems, which require no
Dutch jewellers, no cutting or setting to show them off ; but
are fashioned by a Hand that transcends all earthly skill.
142 NEWTON DOG VANE
What a wonderful network ! more fantastic than any fairy
scene called into view by Aladdin's lamp. See those tall fir-
trees with their broad branches, sombre and surly, bending
unwillingly each under the weight of a snow-wreath, dazzling
by its contrast with the bed it reposes on. Look again at
the sturdy yew and brave old holly, with their dark- green
foliage and shining red berries. Carry your gaze beyond,
over hill, valley, and plain, all clad in my silver livery. How
broad and fair it is ! Is spring more beautiful than this,
think you, with its buds, its young tints of green, and its
soft breath? Is summer, with its thick foliage, and its
flowers, its deep shades, and sparkling brooks ? Is autumn,
with its rich fruits, its golden hues, and its glorious harvest?
Not a whit. Trust me, we are, all beautiful in turn, lovely and
lovable as Him who made us. So, once more, welcome.'
It was evening at Crookham. The fire shone bright
within, and the moon shone bright without. The curtains
were drawn. The urn hissed, and hot-cakes were browning
deliciously in front of the fire. Sir John Vasey had just driven
over for a quiet cup of tea and a rubber. Charlotte was
at the tea-table ; Mrs. Bowers was busy at her work-basket ;
Sissy was tormenting her pet terrier ; the gentlemen were
silently gazing at the fire, as if conversation for a moment
was exhausted ; Bessie was not in the room.
* Where is Bessie ? ' asked Mrs. Bowers.
1 Up-stairs. ma,' answered Sissy.
4 Go and tell her tea is ready, dear ; ' and Sissy, catching up
her favourite in her arms, proceeded on the errand.
Bessie was in her own bedroom ; such a delicious little
innocent gem of a bedroom it was, with its pure white furni-
ture, and its dainty simple toilette on one side, its writing-table
on the other, and its huge old-fashioned easy-chair between,
where she was wont to kneel night and morning. Above the
back of the chair was the window a little circular one sur-
rounded on the outside by thick ivy. It was open, and Bessie
was half leaning, half kneeling with her arms upon the back
of the chair, looking out into the garden.
Have you ever, reader, looked out of window into an old-
fashioned garden, upon a bright moonlight night, when the
snow is on the ground, and not a breath of wind stirring 1
Nothing can equal the intense stillness; not a bird, bat, beetle,
or any kind of insect is moving ; not a leaf rustles ; and if a
DE OMNIBUS REBUS 143
distant watch-dog should chance to break the silence, the quiet
that ensues is the more intense. As the calm steals on you
and sinks into your soul, you glance from the deep shadows
below to the blue sky, so still, so boundless above. You feel
lifted from earth, and the spirit expands ; you drink in a host
of new and strange sensations. The rust, the meanness, and
baseness of the world drops from you. You feel better. Your
heart swells with praise and happiness, as if you cared no
longer for everyday life, and you could sit, and gaze, and
worship for ever and ever. Alas ! that you should ever go
back to the world alas ! that there should still be tempta-
tions in store for you ! What were Bessie's thoughts ? She
felt the influence of the silence and the beauty of the night,
although, apparently, the scene did not entirely engross her
attention. What could she be "thinking of ? A maiden's
thoughts, who can tell ? Something very like a sigh escaped
her, and an impatient movement of the head showed that all
was not so calm within as without. At this moment some-
thing cold and moist touched her neck ; she turned round with
a slight exclamation and a start. It was the nose of Sissy's
favourite, which that very unromantic young lady had placed
against her sister's neck, to break her reverie, Sissy having
entered the room, as noiselessly as a cat.
' Dreaming again, Bethie ! ' said the incorrigible little mon-
key. ' Oh dear ! oh dear ! I'm afraid it'th a bad cathe. Tea's
ready ; ' and she scampered away through the door, singing,
' Love will creep in where he daurna well be theen,' while
Bessie, after allowing the blush her sister's remark had called
up to subside, and made what slight toilet she needed by the
light of the moon, slowly followed her.
* No hunting for a month to come, Sir John,' said Uncle
Crabb, * unless we've a sudden change.'
'I'm very much afraid not, Charles,' said the Baronet,
despondingly. ' The Tramp will be as frisky as a four-year-
old when he does turn out; and as for Nanny and Old Barkiss,
there'll be no holding them. I wish that young scamp Ned
was at home, to give them a good pounding through the snow
by way of exercise. What a frost it is, to be sure, and not
Christmas yet ! It looks as if it were set in for ever. I do
wish the Captain or Ned were here. Buncomb says the
lower Holt is full of woodcocks, and the ponds are covered
with wildfowl, for I have taken care to keep them constantly
144 NEWTON DOGVANE
broken round the edges. What is Ned so long about in
town ? '
' I really hardly know. He seems to have a good deal to do
at the Horse Guards. But I suppose there's something else
in the wind. Boys will be boys. You know, Sir John, we
were young once. I taxed Rainbow about it the other day,
but I couldn't find out much.'
'Uncle means Mr. Dogvane,' said Bessie. 'The gentle-
man who '
' Man with the dog who committed suicide in the bean-
field,' said Uncle Crabb, shortly. 'Shot the first cock by
mistake.'
' Ah ! to be sure. Yes, I recollect now. Not a bad sort
of youngster for a Londoner.'
'Very good sort of youngster for anywhere, Sir John,'
quoth Uncle Crabb.
'Well-conducted, honourable young fellow,' said Mr.
Bowers. ' Ned may take a lesson from him.'
' Bethie dear, Trip don't care about having hith tail trod-
den on, and you know Thir John never taketh cweam,' said
young Torment.
' Then you had better take Trip out of the way and from
before the fire, and hand Sir John his cup yourself,' said
Charlotte, a little sharply. ' You know that you are always
Sir John's Hebe. Leave off playing with Trip, or he'll bite
you ; and hand round the tea-cake.'
Sissy never dared to measure weapons with Charlotte ; so
she did as she was told without another word.
' By the way, Charles, both you and Edward's friend are
revenged upon an enemy,' said the Baronet, as he replaced his
empty cup on the table. ' Squire Drimeld's bull got into one
of the ponds last night, and the ice, or something else, -was
too much for him, and he was "found drowned," as the
coroners say, early this morning. Some say the poachers
drove him in ; however, there's an end of him.'
' I'm glad he has saved me the trouble of shooting him,'
answered Uncle Crabb. * But the Squire has been marvel-
lously civil ever since Stevens cut his face open for him. I
wish you had been there to have seen it. It was the sharpest
and cleverest piece of workmanship you ever saw.'
' I suspect other things have occurred to tame him a little,'
said the Baronet. ' All has not been going on as it should
DB OMNIBUS REBUS 145
there for some time past; and there are whispers of his
being sold up. I should be sorry if it were to prove true,
although he is anything but a good neighbour.'
* Dingham is a nice place, and capable of great improve-
ment/ said Mr. Bowers. ' If it should be sold, Sir John, I
hope you will become the purchaser.'
'Oh, do buy Dingham, Sir John,' said Sissy, earnestly.
' Do, do buy it. Thuch a nithe plathe for picknickth ; and
that nathty Thquire never would let one even look at it.'
' It is not yet for sale, Hebe ; and if it were, I doubt if
the purchase-money would be quite within my power. By
the way, who is the little cottage at Dingham Lane End
fitting up for ? I see they are enlarging and improving the
stables; and laying out the garden afresh, and making all
kinds of alterations.'
* Oh, haven't you heard, Sir John ? ' said the ladies, all
at once.
'No, my dears, or I shouldn't ask.'
1 Well, it's a Mrs. Spelthorne the Honourable Mrs. Spel-
thorne, I think I heard her called. She's a young widow, very
pretty, gay, and rich. Her husband was killed, or died of
fever or something, in the Burmese war. She rides, and
drives, and hunts sometimes. She was there one day last
week giving orders, and drove down in the nicest little pony-
chaise, with the sweetest pair of ponies ever seen. She'll be
quite an acquisition. Ned said he knew her was introduced
to her in town, and she's a most charming, agreeable person.
But then, Ned's no judge. A Mr. Carysford do you know
him 1 introduced him to her at a review ; and Ned said he
believed that Carysford was trying to hook on there, because
she has plenty of money, and every one knows that he hasn't \
and Ned's going to introduce us to her ; only, we'll wait and
see what she's like first.'
All this was told as three young ladies alone can tell one
story, and Sir John nodded first to one and then the other in
turn.
' Carysford ? ' he said, ' Carysford ? Could it have been
Carysford of ? Rather a scamp he was, if I have heard
aright.'
1 Oh dear, no! this is the Honourable Mr. Carysford.
Captain Stevens knows him, I think.'
' Well, my dears, there are such things, you know, as even
I 4 6 NEWTON DOGVANE
Honourable scamps. Scampishness is a very widely diffused
attribute, and appertains both to high and low.'
1 Ah ! I don't think this can be the same. I think Mr.
Dogvane said he had met him at the mess at Hounslow.'
'I dare say there's a scamp or two has dined there in
his time,' said the still unconvinced Sir John. l But what's
all this I hear about the Sharps 1 Why, there's the very
dickens to pay. There's Tom Sharp walking about in the
queerest semi-clerical coat and tie ever seen, and a silk
strait waistcoat ; and the Baroness and her sister teaching
the children to howl dismally chanting I suppose they call
it and they're all grown horribly sanctimonious all of a
sudden.'
* There's a new clergyman at Cowdean,' said Mrs. Bowers,
' who has very High Church notions indeed, it appears, and
who is making considerable alterations in the church and
the service.'
* Well, but ' and Sir John paused.
'One of the new lights,' said Uncle Crabb, 'part of the
new scheme for turning bad Protestants into worse Roman
Catholics, and the Church into an opera-house or a bear-
garden. '
' But the Sharps ? ' said Sir John, in some perplexity.
' The Honourable and Rev. Cyril Courtenay is a bachelor,'
answered Uncle Crabb, spitting it out viciously.
' Oh, indeed ! ' said the Baronet, with a prolonged whistle.
' Uncle ! ' said the three young ladies.
' Fact, my dears,' quoth Uncle Crabb, briefly.
'There was a Cyril Courtenay at college with me,' said the
Baronet ; ' I dare say it's the same ; a woeful bad lot he was ;
a man who never could turn out well. If it's the same and
I'll make some inquiry give him a wide berth.'
' Well, there he is,' said Uncle Crabb, ' with his altar-cloth
ten feet by five, gorgeously embroidered, crosses, candlesticks
six feet high, Covent Garden intoning, genuflections, eleva-
tions, and heaven knows what besides. Called here the other
day you were all out, so / received him. I did not think
it worth while to tell you of it, especially as I don't think he's
likely to call again. Not his parish. What did he want here?
Comes here again, I'll pitch him out of window, sure as my
name's Crabb I mean Bowers. Confound these fellows
poke their noses in everywhere. No keeping them out.'
NEWTON BECOMES A MIGHTY HUNTER 147
Uncle Crabb jerked out the foregoing sentences with great
indignation, and then drank off a hot cup of tea in such haste
that his eyes fairly watered. Mr. Bowers smiled at his
brother's earnestness, while Mrs. Bowers looked on with a
look of half fright and half astonishment. ' Clear the table,
and let us have the card-table round.' And in due time, altars
and candlesticks, and the Honourable and Rev. Cyril, and
everything else, to all appearance, was forgotten in the
mysteries of the rubber, while the girls sat round the fire
and conversed in low tones, so as not to interrupt the pro-
ceedings.
CHAPTER XVI.
NEWTON BECOMES A MIGHTY HUNTER
' DON'T you hunt, Mr. Dogvane ? ' This question had been
asked by a dark-whiskered, heavy-moustached, rowe-looking
man at the mess-dinner, to which Newton had gone, in obedi-
ence to Captain Stevens's invitation. Newton had found
himself placed next to the Hon. Charley Carysford, and a few
incidental remarks had passed between them ; and when the
above question was asked, although he blushed to own it, he
at once said
' No ; hunting was not one of his accomplishments.'
The Honourable Charley's eyebrows curved with astonish-
ment at the answer, and though he was still civil and polite,
he did not talk a great deal to him throughout the rest of
the evening.
Newton felt small, very small, particularly when the con-
versation turned on hunting, and every one had more or less
of his own or a friend's experiences to tell upon the all-absorb-
ing topic. He made a mental vow. His education had been
neglected. He listened and drank in all that he heard, and
went away from the dinner with a mind inflamed with hunt-
ing pictures and adventures, and an anxiety to become a sort
of Nimrod secundus. His father had long talked of retiring
from business, and Newton had done and said everything in
148 NEWTON DOGVANB
his power to encourage the idea ; and now it occurred to him
that if he could only induce the Governor to get out of it, and
to take some nice little place in a hunting country, the long-
ings of his heart might be fully and easily gratified. He
spoke of it to Ned, who also favoured the idea of at least
getting out of trade.
* What did his governor want to keep on coining the yellow-
boys for 1 Hadn't he more than he ever could spend, and
enough to leave, and to spare too, for his son ? What did
he want with more ? Hang it ! let the business look after
itself. It wasn't jolly, that deuced high stool in the City ;
and that lean head- clerk, with the consumptive eye and the
pallid cheek, wasn't a jolly-looking fellow by any means ; and
the younger clerks weren't jolly either. There was a gentish
look about them not but what they might be jolly enough
in their way, but it was a beery sort of way, not his (Ned's)
idea of jolliness. They weren't the sort of companions for a
fellow who wished to be all right and jolly. Look at him,
going to the East at least, it wouldn't be long first. Seeing
Eastern manners and customs, and getting into seraglios
guarded by black eunuchs with drawn scimitars regular con-
venticles, my boy and fighting Cossacks with a lot of jolly,
half -mad Bashi-Bazouks, and galloping right and left over
the country, and bivouacking about like a picnic party, and
smoking no end of big pipes over your fire, with jolly com-
rades, talking over the adventures of the day, and singing
songs, and making love, and all that. Hey, my boy ! wasn't
that jolly ? and didn't he wish he was him ? and why shouldn't
he be jolly too ? In his way in his way ? Of course he
couldn't expect to be as jolly as he should be ; still, hunting
three days a week, with a jolly crack pack, and lots of jolly
fellows, wasn't a bad idea of jolliness, after all. No, if he'd
take his advice, sell out, hunt three days a week, and be jolly.'
And we really are inclined to subscribe to the latter idea of
jolliness, though we have trifling doubts about the former.
Newton determined to do, if possible, more than he had
yet done to induce his father to relinquish business ; and, to
that end, he engaged his mother upon his side, winning her
to his views by a species of moral mine, which he from time
to time exploded on her in the shape of skilfully prepared
pictures of a delightful location, where there were pleasant
tea-drinking and whist-playing neighbours; and where there
NEWTON BECOMES A MIGHTY HUNTER 149
were agreeable clergymen, with schools and charities, refuges
and Dorcases, to visit, over which she might be lady patro-
ness, and excite her religious system by the stimulants
afforded by perpetual dropping upon, and sitting in judg-
ment over, the sins and peccadilloes of her poorer neighbours.
Not that she was naturally of an uncharitable disposition ;
but it seems to have become quite an institution, or rather a
system, for * the pots ' of this world to be for ever abusing
' the kettles ' for the worms to be turning upon the beetles
and for people to hang on like grim death to the motes in
their neighbours' eyes while possessed of the most desperate
blindness to the beams in their own. Never was there so
much cant disguised under the name of religion as now ;
never was there so much straining at gnats and gobbling of
camels. But the good lady knew little of these things : she
was of and on the surface, and these societies were to be the
safety-valve to her surplus energy and curiosity, under the
fiction of charity. And woe betide little Tom Yokel if she
caught him tripping. She could amuse herself to the bent
of her inclination, and at the same time fancy herself on
the high road to heaven ; and this, once fixed firmly on her
mind, soon worked wonders. When a man's family unite
in a plot against him, what chance has he ? constant drop-
pings will wear away a stone. Mr. Dogvane was not a statue ;
or, if he was, it was one of clay, already more than half
softened. He inclined his ear greedily to his son's pictures
of field-sports. His experiences at Crookham, &c., had been
related, over and over again, to no inattentive auditor, and
Mr. Dogvane had been secretly, and without mentioning it
at home, in treaty with a wealthy party to relieve him of the
toils of business, and Mr. Dogvane's was a good business, and
one to be coveted by well-to-do folks ; he had made it slowly,
steadily, and solidly, not by any extravagant speculations,
but by living closely and sparingly for long years in the
little house at Brixton, and carefully improving his business
with his gains.
It had been his intention originally to sham ill-health pre-
vious to announcing his determination, as an excuse for retir-
ing. And when he found his wife and son both jumping with
his views, he smiled quietly to himself ; but, though he said
nothing, he noted their words, that he might bring them
forward as reasons for what he did. So, when all the prelimi-
150 NEWTON DOG VANE
naries were settled, he informed them of the fact, and they
were accordingly not a little surprised. And though secretly
pleased, Mrs. Dogvane 'thought that yes, she really did
think that is, she didn't think Mr. Dogvane would have
taken such a proceeding without letting her know of it after
having been married now six- and- twenty years, three months,
and a week, and never having anything hidden from her
all that time. That now well! There that was always
the way with men. They didn't mind if they ruined their
families.'
' My dear ! ' quoth Mr. Dogvane, deprecatingly. ' Ruined
their families ! .Why, Wheedle and Diginem tell me I've got
out admirably and as one of the first solicitors in the City,
they ought to know and you know I've seventy thou '
' Well, my love, I didn't mean that. You know I didn't.
You've worked hard and always been careful, I will say that,
and you do deserve a rest at your age.'
' My age, my dear ! I'm only fifty-six, hale and hearty
as I was at twenty.'
The old hypocrite ! He hadn't meant to be so hale and
hearty though, if by chance he had not found Mrs. Dogvane
so complying.
' I didn't mean that either, dear ; you're as strong and well
as ever you were thanks to those flannel waistcoats. Where
you would have been though, if it hadn't been for them and
the tansy gruel/ and Mrs. Dogvane nodded her head as if
she really could not express. * So you're a dear old duck ;
and now, I suppose, we must begin and look out for a place
in the country.'
* Exactly so,' said Mr. Dogvane, in something the same tone
as the Beefeater uses towards Whiskerandos in the ' Critic.'
He really was in luck. Every one seemed to propose the
very things he wanted himself, and feared he should have the
most difficulty in obtaining. It was extraordinary. Here
was Mrs. Dogvane, who had always disliked the country, the
first to propose an adjournment thither.
All this time, however, our friend Newton was not idle.
Burning to distinguish himself in the hunting-field, it was
evident to him that to do so he must first learn to ride across
country; and the riding-school of a Mr. Checker offering
peculiar facilities for gentlemen desirous of equestrian experi-
ence, he repaired there arid commenced a course of lessons at
NEWTON BECOMES A MIGHTY HUNTER 151
ten guineas the course, and might have been observed pound-
ing the sawdust and taking nights of three hurdles and under,
and of tasteful fences composed of green faggots neither of
them too high or too unyielding, you may be sure any time
within the next month or six weeks. Here he made the
acquaintance of a Mr. Chilliwun, a young gentleman who
rejoiced in a situation under Government in the Queen's
Redundancy Office * an office apparently instituted for the
purpose of grounding the future employes of the Government
in cribbage, double dummy, a knowledge of the attributes of
bottled stout, and a perfect acquaintance with the politics of
the day, if the Times and Morning Post may be considered as
the exponents of them. The only other duty required of them
would have appeared to the disinterested inquirer to be the
consuming of the greatest possible amount of stationery in
the transaction of the least amount of business, concerning
the most useless and inconceivable purposes. The Redun-
dancy Office cost the British taxpayer from about eight to
ten thousand pounds per annum, and its necessary duties
might have been far better performed by one clerk at a
hundred. But the patronage of the Redundancy Office was
one of the bulwarks of the Government ; consequently, the
Redundancy was one of the bulwarks of the nation, and as
such the nation had every reason to be proud of it.
Mr. Chilliwun's upper lip rejoiced in a moustache that
is to say, a thin streak of blistered and blighted some-
thing ; for the original hair which formed its groundwork
was a kind of down of the palest possible straw-colour,
and would have looked, in its natural state, as if he had
been eating biscuits, and forgotten to wipe away the crumbs.
But Mr. Chilliwun was emulous of a martial, not a civil
service, appearance, and employed a hair-dye, the com-
ponents of which were sulphuretted hydrogen to judge by
the smell and nitrate of silver to judge by ' the colour.
Accordingly Mr. Chilliwun's upper lip often displayed tell-
tale patches and blotches of a deep burnt-sienna colour,
variegated with purple, and Mr. Chilliwun was perpetually
rubbing and irritating the skin with pumice-stone and
chemicals for the removal of these stains, which smelt like
the Thames at low water.
* The Redundancy Office has been somewhat quickened since this
was written.
152 NEWTON DOG VANE
Mr. Chilliwun was assuredly the most unlucky and un-
happy of youths in his horse-exercise.
' Now, Mr. Chilliwun,' would Mr. Checker remark, as his
pupil approached one of the above-mentioned fences on a
shambling old grey horse, ' now, sir, stick yer knees in, and
raise yer 'ead don't set doubled up like a stick of warm
sealin'-wax. Straighten yerself up, sir ! You raily must
not crane so. There ye go again ! '
And as sure as the grey rose at the fence, off went Mr.
Chilliwun, sometimes on the fence, sometimes on one side,
and sometimes the other of it.
' I never see any one so fond of sordust in my life,' Mr.
Checker would say, as he whisked the particles from Mr.
Chilliwun's coat, and assisted him to remount.
After a due course of pounding round Mr. Checker's
establishment, and walloping over the obstacles that gentle-
man had set up, and several mysterious excursions into the
country under Mr. Checker's superintendence, our friend
Newton, feeling pretty comfortable and easy in his seat,
thought he might venture to try his hand in the field, and
announced his intention to Mr. Chilliwun in as many words.
For a week he had been studying the meets forthcoming, and
had finally resolved to hunt his first hunt with the Trump-
shire. And when he announced his intention to Mr. Chilli-
wun, Mr. Chilliwun, burning with emulation, announced his
intention of being ' one in with him, if he didn't mind.' And
Newton thought that if he was a muff, Mr. Chilliwun was
worse, and would at any rate keep him in countenance, and
so made no objection. 'Tuesday, 10 o'clock, The Wooden
Leg, Fiddler's Green.' And Tuesday, ten o'clock, found Mr.
Newton Dogvane and 3Ir. Chilliwun arrayed in faultless and
spotless pink, and mounted on a couple of Mr. Checker's
hunters for Mr. Checker kept a stud of hunters for hire, as
well as a school hunters to suit all complexions of aspiring
sportsmen, at three guineas a day each. But we must go
back a little. Newton and Mr. Chilliwun had accompanied
their horses down by train the evening before to the Botch it
station, and they had put up at Diddlington. After ordering
their dinner, they walked round to the stables to prognos-
ticate and talk about to-morrow with the ostlers, or any one
they could happen on.
1 How far do you call it to the Wooden Leg at Fiddler's
NEWTON BECOMES A MIGHTY HUNTER 153
Green, Joe ? ' All ostlers answer to the name of Joe ; it's a
sort of professional patronymic. And Joe, a little crooked-
legged, bullet-headed ostler, with his hair cropped short at
the temples, and a shiny face, made answer thus
* How far to the Wooden Leg at Fiddler's Green, sir ? '
Another peculiarity of ostlers, they always repeat a question
before they answer it, and never give you a straightforward,
direct answer. * How far to the Wooden Leg at Fiddler's
Green? Is-s-s wo, 'oss well, sir. Pard'n me, sir. Be you
agoin' to the meet to-morrer ? '
Newton nodded. 'We are going to hunt to-morrow,' put
in Mr. Chilliwun, grandly. Joe paused to wipe his brow
with the wisp of straw which he was rubbing a short-tem-
pered, blood-looking bay horse down with.
' I thort so. Thinks I, them's two ''unters belongin' to
two swells, as is good for Fiddler's Green to-morrer. And
I'll have to lead them 'osses over there in the mornin', and
them swells '11 want a cart to drive over in. That's wot I
thort.'
'But what's the distance? We didn't think of driving
over ; we thought of walking our horses over quietly,' said
Newton.
' Well, the distance but there I you'll never find it. It's
what's the distance to Fiddler's Green, Jems ? ' And
Jems, who was hissing at a carriage -wheel, mop in hand,
of course repeated the question.
' Distance to Fiddler's Green ! Oh, may be five mile, may
be six.'
' Ah ! or seven,' put in Joe.
' Or seven,' added Jems, now having his cue. * Bain't
sarten 'tain't eight. Sure it be, if ye goes the common way,
and ye can't go no nightster way than that.'
' Seven or eight miles ! Why, they told us it wasn't more
than three or four.'
* You'll pard'n me, sir ; I don't know how they be goiii'
to go to it then. Balloon, I reck'ns.'
' Nor I neither,' added Jems. ' Why, there's up by the
'and post, and down by Shaw's Barn, and 'long Crowsbottorn,
and cross Cogglepot Common, &c. Is-s-s-s,' and round
went the wheel, and swash went the mop, and not another
word did Jems say.
1 A crow med do it in vower mile and 'alf, or vive mile ; I
154 NEWTON DOGVANE
can't say ; leastways I ben't a crow is-s-s-s,' and not another
word did Joe say.
One or two more remarks our friends made without elicit-
ing a reply from either of the ostlers, who evidently knew
the value of their conversation. A pot of beer, however, un-
sealed their tongues, and they volunteered all sorts of curious
information about the line of country foxes always took from
Fiddler's Green. The chalk-pits, bullfinches, stone walls,
grips, brooks, &c., which they talked about, were enough to
alarm a raw hand, and to excite a smile in an old one. Joe
and Jems were possessed of fertile imaginations, and they soon
made it out, over the third pot of beer, to our friends, that
if they could live out a day with the Trumpshire, they could
lead with any pack in the kingdom a very common weakness,
with regard to their own pack, amongst the understrappers
in any hunting neighbourhood.
The noble sportsmen dined and wined, and after dinner
lighted their weeds. Mr. Chilliwun strolled round through
the yard to the stables, again bent upon more information.
After a few minutes' interval, Newton followed.
* Now, Joe, look here,' said the voice of Mr. Chilliwun, as
Newton approached the door by which they had been talking
before dinner. The door was open, but it was between him
and the parties in consultation. * Now, Joe, look here ; I'm
going to ask your advice. I'm not quite up to this.' Newton
paused, and leant against the gateway, which was within
earshot. * Now, what should you advise ? ' continued Mr.
Chilliwun.
1 Regarding which, sir ?' asked Joe. 'What should I advise
regarding which ? ' he repeated.
'Now, look here. There's half-a-crown ; and now look
here. What do you do on these occasions 1 '
1 What do yer do on these occasions ? Pard'n me, sir ;
wot occasions ? '
' Well, you see, I don't understand about this hunting
business. What do you do, now, when you first go out?
What is the first thing ? Of course, after the first go off,
one's all right.'
' Well, sir, yo see, they fust finds a fox, and then they kills
him p'raps.'
4 Find him ! I thought they always carried one out in a
bag. I've heard so, I'm sure.'
NEWTON BECOMES A MIGHTY HUNTER 155
'That's in case they shouldn't find one/ said Joe, with
an audacious grin. ' So fust the 'ounds is throw 'd into
cover.'
* Thrown in ! Good gracious ! What ! do they take them
by the head and tail, and throw them right in amongst the
bushes and brambles ? '
i Well, not exactly that, unlesst they're werry back'ard in
comin' for'ard; only it's called throwin' them in. Well,
then, they finds a fox.'
'And what do we do while the hounds are looking for
him 1 ' asked Mr. Chilliwun.
' Well, sir, you all waits outside round the kiver ' a
bright idea here occurred to Joe, and he added boldly ' and
you smells for him.'
' Smell for him ! ' said Mr. Chilliwun, in surprise.
' Sartain. Foxes is werry high scented you can smell
'em most ony distance.'
1 But what for ? '
* So as to direct the 'ounds in case you should smell him,
you kn,ow, sir ; and if you should smell him, you know, sir,
you'll tellegrarf to the huntsman, and tell him, and he'll
know wot to do.'
' And I suppose it's a great card to smell him first, eh 1 '
' Esackly, it is. Well, then, when the fox comes out, if you
should happen to see him, you sings out, "Tally-ho," and
then all you've got to do is to ride after him like greased
lightninV
* I don't seem to recollect about that smelling. Checker
never said anything about it ; but I suppose it's all right,'
said Mr. Chilliwun to himself.
' Yes, well ' (having made his mind up on the point) ' well,
then you sing out " Tally ho," and ride after him, eh ? '
' Yes.'
' And suppose I catch him, then I cut his tail off, don't I ?
brush it's called, I believe.'
A peculiar sound burst from Joe, which sounded like the
commencement of a roar of laughter, but it died away in a
powerful cough.
* Of course, if you catches him, you does ; but pard'n me,
sir, I shouldn't advise you to catch him.'
Why not 1 '
' Why, ye see, foxes bites sometimes. I know'd a gent
156 NEWTON DOG VANE
once as lost the seat of his leathers entirely through puttin'
one in his pocket.'
' Did he, though ? '
4 Ah ! and I arn't nowise sartain that that was the whole
as he did lose. I knows he was werry tender in the saddle
for a long time arter.'
' Ah ! well, thank ye, Joe ; look here now there's another
half-crown.'
* Thank ye, sir, and you'll have Jems lead the 'osses over
earlyish, so as to have 'em fresh at the meet in course. I'll
have the cart ready by eight o'clock.'
1 Well, I think that would be best. I'll ask my friend ; '
and he sauntered away, while Joe laid down in a loose box,
and rolled over and over in the straw, kicking his heels with
uproarious delight, in an ecstasy of cachinnation, and saying
to himself, in fits and starts between each explosion, ' Oh,
darn it, it's better nor a play, this is. I have seen a green
sprig or two in my time but oh, my Lor ! I never see any-
thing to ekal this 'ere werdegrease is a fool to it, and wernal
werdure is nothink wotever. What wouldn't I give to see
him a smelling round the kiver, and a tellegrarfing to old
Bullyoaks ! or tryin' all he knows to ketch the fox. I must
lead them 'osses myself somehows, that's sartain. Oh dear!
oh dear ! Oh, my sides 1 wot a game it is 1 Ha ! ha ! oh
dear, oh dear ! They'll never believe it when I tell 'em all
indoors.'
Newton resolved to ask no questions, but quietly to watch
what others did, and do as they did. A wise resolve, upon the
whole but Mr. Chilliwun came forth grand and mysterious,
bursting with the importance of suddenly acquired knowledge,
and during the remainder of the evening he assumed quite
a high tone upon hunting matters over his companion ; and
Newton thought that, had he been good-natured, and shown
a disposition to share his information, he would have told
him where he thought he had been humbugged ; but as he
did not do so, but kept it to himself, he thought it would be
best for pride to have its fall in its own way.
A NICE CLIQUE 157
CHAPTER XVII.
MR. CHILLIWUN AND THE READER ARE INTRODUCED TO
A NICE CLIQUE
AFTER Mr. Chilliwun's visit to the stables, he cast about him
for some species of amusement. What was to be done with
the evening ? They had finished the bottle of port, which
was not so bad as it might have been, and that is the best that
could be said of it. They walked round the village it was
little better than a village looked over the little stone bridge
into the stream, now swollen with melted snows, and specu-
lated on the likeliest places where trout would be induced to
rise, under this spreading willow, or that grey old pollard, or
by yonder tufted bank, when spring should once more warm
the waters and render them instinct with life. Turning about,
they came round through the churchyard, and gazed at the
old church tower, so still and silent in the moonlight, while
the night-breeze rustled through the aged yew, and made it
appear as if it were whispering to the tower of what those
two had seen between them in times long past ; then our
friends read the inscriptions on the tombstones, until, once
more striking through the village, they reached their inn
again, on entering which they heard the sound of billiard-
balls.
* I say, Dogvane, d'ye hear that ? There's a billiard-table
here.'
At that moment the door of the billiard-room opened, and
a servant with a tray of glasses came from it, and likewise
the words, * Red a life, blue's the nearest ball, and green's
yer player.'
1 And a lot of yokels playing pool, actually,' continued Mr.
Chilliwun. ' I say, Dogvane, look here, I say, let's go and
walk into the muffs, and put the double on the country-
men.'
* Thank you, no ; I don't care about it. Besides, the table's
certain to be a wretch, and I've got a letter to write. I shall
have a glass of brandy and soda-water, another cigar, and
then to bed. You know we must be up tolerably early,' said
Newton.
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-
A NICE CLIQUE 159
MOOOd i <r in this way, Hiiplayoi I "<r. -us gentleman, whuaa
name was apparently Pegu, and who affected a peculiar stylo
of aoiturae, amidst which a white iilk scarf, curiously bitd,
\\.lll .:, ,,,!>: l.l.-nil.l.' j.lll II, U, UHM .'..It: |.i,-lt.MtM, IMS. U.,,1. r |||,.
Irl'l. liiiii.l KtiHliioii, uilhia Imnltv Mini, is, I,,,, hall ,li,|. Mr.
Ohtiliwun i>"i played <>n a double, and mined it, bu1 lefi
IINVII Ixill Uh.lrr lli.i MHIMO I'll: I, loll, illxXtl M I't.t.l lYolll (hit
..... I. II.- porKrl.
4 Tolerably wife/ said Mr, ( ' I .. 1 1 . ^ . .. A > , . i . , . u general
">e would think that a ball in that po.n > <> u its HO,
' 1 1 alf-A-orown he poti you, my dear friend/ laid Mr.
Hill I III T.
'Nonsense/ Maid Mr, Ohllliwun,
i N .iMiible it, if you like/ quoth Saunter,
Why, it 'i robbing you, However, done, if you like, 1
'We'll all forgive you if you rob old Saunter, sir/ HI i .
very neat, quiet, gentlemanfy-J00M*0 little man, wl>- looked
M if he had something to do with horses; 'but I'm afraid
he's a great deal more likely to rob you ; for the fact is, w l w
nil IM-MU trying to rob him for years; but it never leemi bo
nun.* ..IV |. .,.,, rl\ .I...-M .1, Su.u.l.T/'
'II,. M u r, i, ...MI- .-I InUL-l.l.T .,(. (I,.;, It rll.lr.!, HI., I Mr.
Pegs, levelling hit cue, itruok hiu own i >. ii v<, N wftlj \i.
< i.iii i u mi's ball received the desired impetus, rolled, -> >uthev
rn.ulr.l, uv.-r (I,,, n.l.'i \ .-.n.,-. f....l. i.n.l, -.11,,,- ,(,, ,
' n .-u current, dropped into the middle pocket, to M < > ><
ii ' ' l"i.i I I l'',.rlli\Mll. lin r.l I liinl
1 i > <^ed again to Mr, Saunter, who, answering tin* cpw bioa
whicih i. -I been put to him Just before the stroke, said
' \\- II. ,,, v -I- .. iM.n-l, I .:,,,!. ...mphun, lluM.-l, >.... .1,.
Mill lll.i V.il'V IHII'.I III. hMM-r-. '
'Not half so bard as you were run At Jerrold's ('>
H I- i '
''I"" NVU,, I , I'.-:,,/ 1,,1-r, l,,M,r il./H,,i,| ,,|. >Uo nf
UM .,,,,,,,
'\V.II S,,M ... ,,,| \h h ,1, ,,,,,,, |,j v . -,|
somedeueedg'H i i ring at Jerrold'i Oroi i, bel
"I.I Hir Tli. ,(.,:, ( h.-.i, !.(,, LM-, , uii.l i.nn .lity ( \\ . i vlmr...... \\ti.i
I"' '-M.-MX.-M I,,, II Ulll, M -I, I.JUglli lldll jlltl'l
' I'""I'I,M I',,., , ,,, | ( K, M I, M . .1
'"rs .l.^i..i.l lu ,|,, M.iiMill.i,,,, I.. l..i liilK.-,! of; l.nl. r IH
IM.IV II.-. r,,,.,,l. UH.n'l. ,,,(,. MM -- I l,n , -. ,.,,-1 ,, I All ,.f
160 NEWTON DOGVANE
a sudden, just as they had worked through a small cover,
Overcharge pulls up. " Hallo ! what's that ? " he says ; " it
sounded like a gun." " Yery like a gun," said one of the
party. " Can't be," said the head-keeper ; " that's all our
land that way." Just at that minute, bang went another
barrel. " No mistake about that," said the friend. Over-
charge turned to the head-keeper in a deuce of a rage. " What
d'ye call that, sir ? What d'ye call that 1 " Sounds like a
gun," said the keeper, looking puzzled. " Sounds like a gun,
sir ! " roared Overcharge ; ' ' why, it is a gun, you idiot. By ,
it's somebody shooting Prickle copse." Bang, bang, went the
gun again, and away went Overcharge, full split, with the
whole field at his tail, dogs, keepers, and all, in the direction
of the gun. Bang, bang ! Overcharge was furious. Didn't
he swear ? You know he can swear when he likes. Well,
on they went, pulling foot up the hill for the copse at a
deuce of a pace. Every now and then, off went the gun ; the
stranger, whoever he was, was having no end of good shoot-
ing, regularly skinning the cover ; and at every shot Over-
charge started and bolted ahead, as if the d 1 had kicked
him. Well, they got into the copse, and still they couldn't
come up with the audacious stranger ; but they heard his
bang, bang, every two or three minutes, always about a
quarter of a mile ahead. The stranger was working the
copse through towards the park wall with the utmost regu-
larity, and poor old Overcharge was pretty nearly frantic.
Bang, bang, bang, bang ! The field, with Overcharge leading,
went stumbling away over roots and stubbs, pretty nigh blown
by this time, you may be sure. At last, just as they were
getting towards the thin of the copse, they heard a last right-
and-lefter, and in a few minutes they got out ; and there,
about two hundred yards from them, just mounting the park
wall, they saw a man with a gun, and with his pockets fright-
fully distended. " Run round, run round, you &c. &c. &c.,"
shouted Overcharge, " or the infernal &c. &c. &c. will get
away, after all." " Blowed if I can run another step," said
the keeper. " Nor I." " Nor I," said all the rest of the
field. Every man jack of 'em was regularly dead beat ; and,
before any of 'em could get their wind, the poacher was over,
and up into a light cart, which stood waiting for him, with a
remarkably fast-trotting cob in it. Turning round in the
cart, and displaying a beard very like Saunter's, he waved his
A NICE CLIQUE 161
hand to them as a last adieu, and in two or three minutes
was clean out of sight. But the best of the joke was, that a
very handsome spaniel was missing after they came to look
about them ; he'd been foremost in the field, and, coming up
with the stranger while the shooters were yet in the copse,
it seemed such a pity that such a handsome-looking beast
should be astray and without a master, that the poacher,
with the beard like Saunter's, actually took compassion on
him, and, whipping him up, dropped him into his pocket
along with the pheasants. Yery handsome dog he was too,
and fetched a deal of money, I've heard eh, Saunter ? '
'I've heard so, my friend, I've heard so,' said Saunter, coolly.
More laughter followed this neat little episode. It's asto-
nishing how they appeared to relish it.
The transaction was pronounced an 'artful do,' and Mr.
Saunter ' a regular bite.' Had the transaction been called
stealing, and Mr. Saunter a thief, doubtless the whole circle
would have been very much shocked. Indeed, it would have
been considered very bad manners to use such language.
The game continued.
Being a tolerably fair player, as soon as he got a little
accustomed to the table, Mr. Chilliwun held his own pretty
well that is, he did not lose much. Presently, as he was
turning to chalk his cue, after receiving for a couple of lives
he had taken, Mr. Pegs approached the mantel-piece, and
taking up a card, as if by accident, looked over it, and read
aloud the name and address ' Mrs. Cleverley, Dyer, No. 1 9
Wingrove Street,' &c. A very meaning smile ran round the
room, and the greater part of the gentlemen glanced care-
lessly at Mr. Chilliwun, as if they expected some fun.
' Who's Mrs. Cleverley, Tom ? ' asked Pegs. Some flame
of yours, eh ? '
1 Don't know, sir,' answered Tom. ' Some 'un left the card
by haccident, I s'pose.'
'Dyer, eh! Gad, I don't think the word's spelt right.
Dyer Dyer ? ' and Mr. Pegs appeared to consider.
' Let me see, my dear friend,' said Mr. Saunter, taking the
card and looking at it. ' Dyer d-y-e-r ; yes, that's all right,
my dear friend ; ' and he returned it.
' Hanged if I think it is, though. I'm sure it isn't. Let
me see; nonsense. I'll bet a sovereign it's spelt wrong.'
The rest of the company here crowded round, examining
L
1 62 NEWTON DOGVANE
the card with apparent interest. Some took one side, some
the other. Amongst the rest, Mr. Chilliwun looked at it.
'Why, of course it's right,' said Mr. Chilliwun, autho-
ritatively. ' Who ever saw it spelt anyhow else ? That's
right enough.'
* I say it's wrong,' repeated Pegs. ' I'll bet five pound it's
wrong ; at least, that's not the way we used to spell it. }
* We spelt it so at Eton,' said Mr. Chilliwun, loftily.
* We didn't spell it so at Harrow,' said Pegs.
' Eton versus Harrow. You're wrong, Pegs, my dear
friend. My dear friend, he's wrong,' said Saunter, turning
to Chilliwun.
' Of course he is,' said Chilliwun.
* Never mind,' said Mr. Pegs, with apparent doggedness.
' If I'm wrong, I suppose I can pay ; but I'll lay five pound
or ten pound I'm not. I'm certain confident I'm not. It
isn't likely we should all be wrong.'
* Well,' said Mr. Chilliwun, ' you're very foolish to offer
such a bet.'
* Never mind,' said Pegs, doggedly, ' five pound I'll lay.'
' I don't want to win your money.'
'Never mind. I'm not afraid to bet, if you ain't.'
' Oh, I'm not afraid,' said Chilliwun, proudly. * I'll bet you
five pound, or fifty, for that matter.' The bet of five was
made forthwith.
' Go down and ask if they've got a dictionary, Tom,' said
Mr. Saunter, doubtfully. * I dare say they haven't.' Some-
how, they had a dictionary, and very quickly produced it.
' I bet on a certainty. You can draw if you like, you
know,' said Mr. Pegs. Mr. Chilliwun thought this looked a
little like funking ; so he became all the more eager.
' So do I bet on a certainty, and I won't draw,' he answered.
The dictionary was brought, and, curiously enough, it opened
at the very page. * Let's see,' said Mr. Saunter, ' D-y, dy
dy dy. No such word at all,' he said, in almost perfect
amazement.
'No?' said Mr. Chilliwun, turning pale. 'Well, then,
it can't be decided.'
' I knew I was right,' said Mr. Pegs, catching the book.
' Here, let's have a look, Saunter. D-y, dy sure enough,
not here. Now I can't help thinking it's spelt with an i.'
Astonishing how easily that page was found too. ' Di-i,
A NICE CLIQUE 163
di di dier. Here you are. Dier, one who, &c. &c. There
it is, you see. I thought I couldn't be wrong.'
And all his opponents were ' Quite amazed. Really !
"Who'd have thought it ? ' Mr. Chilliwun wouldn't, at any
rate. He appeared utterly and stupidly astonished. He
looked at the word again and again. There it was. He
turned to D-y there it wasn't ; so he pulled a five-pound
note slowly out of his case, and handed it over to Mr. Pegs,
who crumpled it up, and thrust it into his breeches-pocket,
as if it were the bill of a play ; and Mr. Chilliwun had the
satisfaction of finding out some time afterwards for he was
ashamed to tell Newton of it the next day that he'd been
done brown without even the satisfaction of knowing it. Let
not Mr. Chilliwun be too much condemned for his softness
in this instance ; he was no worse than are the gentlemen
who will lose their money at thimblerigging, and who will,
in spite of all warning, bet with gentlemanly strangers, who
carry three bent cards in their hats whenever they travel by
railway, and who delude their victims by a game which may
be aptly designated three-card lose. The game went on with
little variation, Chilliwun sometimes losing and sometimes
winning ; he was standing with his back to the neat little
gentleman we have referred to, and another of the company, a
stout man ; and whilst in that position he overheard another
anecdote highly creditable to Mr. Saunter's talents. It was
very characteristic, so we give it.
' By the way, how did the match go off ? ' asked the stout
gentleman.
1 Oh ! ' said the neat little man, ' Saunter realised, of
course.'
' But not all the stakes ? '
* Every farthing.'
* But I thought he asked Chesham to stand him halves.'
' That was only in case he lost.'
' But how was it ? '
* "Well, it was tolerably neatly done. He calls at Chesham's
one day, and says, " I'm going to shoot Higgins a match ;
will you go halves ? " " You can beat him easily enough," says
Chesham. " Of course I can," said Saunter ; " but I don't care
to stand all the stakes." " What are they 1 " asked Chesham.
" Oh, only fifty, my dear friend." " I'm with you, then," says
Chesham. "It's a bargain." It wasn't to come off for a
164 NEWTON DOGVANE
few days, and Chesham was obliged to go away, and the
match was shot whilst he was absent. On his way back he
calls at Saunter's and says, " Well, how did it go off ? How
many did you beat him by ? " So old Saunter pulls a deuce
of a long face, and begins in the most miserable tone " Now,
my dear friend, don't be angry." "Why," says Chesham,
" you never were such a confounded old muff as to let him
beat you ? " " My dear friend, you know one can't always
win." " Oh, hang it ! " says Chesham, " I thought it was a
certainty." " So did I," says Saunter. There was a bit of
a silence, and then Chesham says, " I suppose there's nothing
for it, then, but to pay one's money. Let's see, I have to
give you five-and-twenty ; " and he pulls out his note-case
honourable fellow, Chesham. But somehow, old Saunter
didn't seem altogether pleased at this, for he looked puzzled.
However, presently he looks up with a sort of grin, and
Chesham knew in a minute he was done.
' " Well, you see, my dear friend," says Saunter, very
affectionately you know how affectionate he always is when
he is going to do you.'
' Blessed old boa-constrictor,' said the auditor.
' He is that/ said the neat man.
' " My dear friend," he says, " the fact is, I didn't lose it
I won it."
' " Oh ! " says Chesham, putting up his notes, "then you
have to give me five-and-twenty."
* " Well, no. You see, my dear friend," says Saunter,
more affectionately than ever, " the fact is " and Chesham
knew that there was a lie coming when Saunter talked about
facts " the fact is, that on the field we altered the charge
from 3j to 4 drachms of powder, and from if oz. of shot to
2 oz. ; so, as I didn't know on the field whether you'd stand
to it, as the conditions were altered, why I "
* " Conditions be hanged ! " says Chesham ; " I never heard
a word of the conditions from first to last. What wero
conditions to me? I knew you could beat him on any con-
ditions."
* " Ah ! now, my dear friend, did you really ? Well, now,
if I'd only known that," says the old hypocrite.
' " There, that'll do ; don't let's have any more of that,"
says Chesham,
A NICE CLIQUE 165
* " Well, my dear friend, as you weren't tliere to say you'd
stand to it, and the conditions were altered, and you might
repudiate under the circumstances if I lost, I thought it
best to cancel the arrangement. As I could not risk stand-
ing it all myself, I was obliged to let our dear John stand in
the half instead of you. I'm very sorry and the fact is, I'm
truly grieved, my dear friend ; but you see "
'However, Chesham saw that he was done, and didn't
stop to be condoled with.'
1 But,' said the listener, as the anecdote came to an end, ' what
was the object of his saying that he'd lost in the first place?'
' Why, don't you see, he was in hopes Chesham would shirk
paying and repudiate, and swear there was a do in it don't
you see ? And then he'd have turned round and said, " Well,
as you wouldn't stand to it, and refuse to pay me, there's no
earthly reason why I should pay you." Don't you see ? '
' I see ; and so when Chesham offered to stump, it was a
regular floorer.'
1 Of course it was ; anything like straightforward dealing
is the greatest floorer you can administer to the old humbug.
But old Saunter's not the sort of weasel to be caught nap-
ping ; and he had another yarn ready in a twinkling. The
charge had been altered to accommodate Higgins on the
ground, and they put on an extra ten pound in consequence.
So he was down on him on that tack when the other wouldn't
do. Anyhow, parting is no game of Saunter's.'
' Not a bit of it ; ' and Mr. Chilliwun, having just made
a hazard that won him the whole pool, pocketed the stakes
with an air of much satisfaction and grandeur.
At length an adjournment to broiled bones and Welsh
rabbits, &c., was proposed. Sundry drinkables were put out
of sight, and a bowl of potent bishop was prepared, of which
all partook freely. A little game of cards was hinted at,
and then proposed, ' just to pass an hour, you know.' And
Mr. Chilliwun, being not a little excited by the bishop and
the et-ceteras which he had disposed of since dinner-time,
and utterly unwarned by all that he had seen and heard, was,
of course, as he expressed it, * game for anything.' So they
had ' a little knock out at Vingt-un,' in the course of which
another of Mr. Chilliwun's five-pound notes vanished, with
three or four loose sovereigns to keep it company ; and so
ended the evening.
1 66 NEWTON DOG VANE
CHAPTER XVIII.
A SOUTHERLY WIND AND A CLOUDY SKY
' HOT water, sir ! Soda-water, sir? Yes, sir. I have called
t'other gentleman, sir, and he's down, and is a walkin' in
the garding a waiting breakfast, sir. Directly, sir.' And
away went Boots in search of soda-water for Mr. Chilli wun.
Mr. Chilliwun looked lazily out of window. Rosy his eye
and pale his cheek. Mr. Chilliwun had been put to bed
the night before. He saw Newton strolling round a small
enclosure of grass plot, bordered by chrysanthemums of all
colour and thick evergreens; in one corner of it was a
capacious smoking-arbour ; beyond it was the kitchen-garden.
Newton was already in full pink, with a cover-coat over
all ; but he had not yet decorated his calves with the bran
new tops, and his bucks were unsoiled.
1 Hallo, old fellow ! Look alive ! ' he called out as he
saw the pallid countenance of Mr. Chilliwun first surveying
him through the window. ' How are you this morning ? '
* Oh ! all right all right. Least trifle of a headache.
Wish I hadn't eaten that confounded curry at dinner.'
' Ah ! I told you that port wasn't to be trusted. Regular
poison. Decoction of sloes and elder-berries, logwood and
liquorice.'
' Oh ! execrable, of course ; one doesn't expect anything
else, so one isn't deceived ; but it wasn't the wine. ' (When-
ever was it ?) ' No ; it was that beastly curry ; and I don't
think Welsh rabbits and devilled goose-back good things for
supper. I've had horrible nightmares.'
'No, especially when you combine them with unlimited*
bishop and gin- punch. I'm afraid those fellows you got into
company with made a set at you/
* Pooh 1 not they. Let 'm. I could see 'm all under the
table if I liked ; but I took nothing nothing at all.' (Who-
ever does take anything ?) * How do the horses look this
morning ? '
' Oh ! Trumpeter's as fresh as a four-year-old, and the
Dean don't look amiss. I started them about half an hour
A SOUTHERLY WIND AND A CLOUDY SKY 167
since with Joe, and I've ordered breakfast ; so pull yourself
together as quick as you can, or we shall be late.' And New-
ton disappeared, while Mr. Chilliwun continued his toilet.
Mr. Chilliwun, much perplexed by his tops, slowly de-
scended, swaggering. Kidneys, chops, bacon, eggs, grills,
toasts, teas, coffees, and pT ales, with a little liqueur-glass
of pale brandy and a plate of gingerbread nuts they walked
into one, played with another, trifled with another, and
pocketed the last at the waiter's instigation; and, having
lighted the preliminary weed, stepped into the dogcart,
amidst an admiring and critical crowd.
'Ah, take his CLOTHES off, ossla,' said Mr. Chilliwun,
seizing the reins.
' My heye ! Look at 'is spurs,' quoth a promising young
gutter- bird.
' Braw cockies braw cockies,' said old ' Sondie Mac
Screw,' who kept the post-office.
' Isn't it dhrinkin' yer health we'll be this could mornin',
Capun, darlin' ? ' cried Tim Fogarthy, the wooden-legged,
wall-eyed beggar, who was the licensed jester of the place.
'Go to blazes, and get out of the way,' answered Mr.
Chilliwun.
'Be the powers, Sandy man, av its talking av cocks ye
was in relashins to the jontlemen, who knows better than
Tim Fogarthy that his honour's the great ginger pile ? '
an allusion to Mr. C.'s drab Siphonia and sandy hair and
whiskers 'and a rare bird he is entirely cock-a-doodle-
d-o-o-o,' crowed Tim, in excellent imitation, at which the crowd
were in ecstasies, and little boys stood on their heads on the
pavement to express delight at the victory gained by their
favourite over ' the swell,' as Mr. Chilliwun drove off, scowl-
ing magnificent disdain on all around.
Mr. Chilliwun had been wont to boast of his driving, and
hinted darkly and mysteriously at tandems. However, the
' old boss was quiet, and know'd the road,' as Jems said, after
instructing them about it, and off they started, Mr. Chilliwun
squaring his elbows and flourishing his whip in very grand
style not four, but fourteen-in-hand style, at the very least ;
and consequently they only had one upset during the whole
journey, and that was when Mr. Chilliwun turned his head
to look after a well-looking country wench. The horse, blind
on the near side, took the wheel of the cart up a bank, and
i68 NEWTON DOGVANE
upset it, Mr. Chilliwun pitching out on the horse's back, and
Newton on top of him. The horse was evidently accustomed
to this sort of thing, for he lay quite still, while a labourer
or two who chanced to be at hand came up and unharnessed
him. No damage was done beyond a few scratches ; so,
after a short delay, they got to rights, and Newton, who did
not feel inclined to trust his neck again to Mr. Chill iwun's
skill, took the reins himself, and in due time they reached
Fiddler's Green. There was no need to ask where the
Wooden Leg was. The crowd of men and horses around it
told them plainly enough. Our sportsmen left the cart and
betook themselves to their hunters, which they found awaiting
them under Joe's superintendence.
(N.B. The seven or eight miles had seemed very, very
short ones, not much better than half-miles, in fact.)
* A southerly wind and a cloudy sky,' hummed Newton.
'Gad, sir, you're just right there, for it's a splendid
morning,' said a tall, dark- whiskered gentleman on a power-
ful iron-grey, that looked like lasting.
Newton turned his head. It was the Honourable Charley
Carysford.
* Why, Mr. Dogvane, I thought you never hunted. Glad
to find myself deceived.'
Newton would have said that it was the first time, but he
could hardly make up his mind to it ; so he merely murmured
something about being partial to it, &c. At this moment a
lady in a light phaeton, drawn by two beautiful little Arab
ponies, came dashing up. She nodded to Carysford ; as she
passed, Newton caught a glimpse of her countenance. He
had seen it before. Who could she be? Suddenly he
remembered that it was the same lady he had seen in the
Park with Ned. Noticing his look, Carysford remarked,
carelessly
1 Very pretty, isn't she ? '
* Indeed, she's lovely,' answered Newton. * Who is she ? '
' Oh 1 the Spelthorne Mrs. Spelthorne widow of Jack
Spel thorn e, who died in India. Handsomest woman in town,
and has tin unlimited, I'm told. All the men are after her.'
1 Indeed ! I should like to know her.'
Newton thought if he could get introduced to her, ho
could then find out what his friend Ned was about.
* Ah ! I'll introduce you some day,' said Carysford, looking
A SOUTHERLY WIND AND A CLOUDY SKY 169
over Newton's horse. * Your cover-hack, I suppose. Looks
like an old hunter.'
Newton hardly knew what to say. He did not know
what a cover-hack was exactly, so he thought a nod would
express all that was necessary Now, Mr. Carysford knew
well enough it was not Newton's cover-hack, because he
saw him, two minutes before he spoke to him, drive up in
the cart, and watched him make the exchange. He knew
him directly, for he had the faculty of never forgetting
any one at all likely to be in any way serviceable to him,
and he had resolved to sell Newton a horse. So the allusion
to the cover- hack was intended to cut two ways first, as
a sort of covert flattery, in gifting him with a cover-hack ;
and, secondly, in making him ashamed of the horse he rode,
by taking it as a sort of certainty not disputable, that he
didn't mean to hunt upon 'that screw.'
' What's your weight ? ' continued Mr. Carysford ; ' I sup-
pose you'd ride about ten stone ten. What a weight you'd
be for my black mare, Countess. She'd exactly suit you
exactly. I wish you'd come down and look at her : I don't
mind showing her to you, and if you fancy her you shall put
your own price on her, for you ought to have her ; she's cut
out for you jet black not a white hair about her. She's
altogether too light for me, as I ride about thirteen stone.
But, with you on her back, there's nothing she couldn't do.
You needn't have her, you know, if you don't fancy her,
but you will fancy her. I'll thank you for a light ; ' and the
Hon. Charley, who lost a good deal of his drawl when
horse-dealing, lighted his cigar from Newton's. ' Ah ! I
see you can't keep your eyes from the pony-chaise. She
certainly is a beautiful creature very often drives down to
see the hounds throw off. You never saw her following them,
I suppose ? No ! Ah ! she can ride by Jove, she's the only
woman I know that can. I'll tell you what I'll do, as you
admire her so ; I have to make a call at her house, and I
think I shall look in on let me see ; to-day's Tuesday
yes, on Thursday I shall call there on Thursday, and if
you will come to me on Thursday morning, say about two,
we can look at the mare, and I'll take you there afterwards
and introduce you. But take care of yourself ; you'll have
to fight half London if you fall in love with her. Is it an
engagement ? '
170 NEIVTON DOGVANE
Newton gladly jumped at the offer, and writing his address
on a card, Carysford handed it to Newton, and with a slight
nod turned away.
' Bagged, I think,' thought Carysford, as he rode off.
Newton felt much nattered at the Hon. Charley's notice;
and indeed, one or two other men, who had passed him with
a contemptuous glance at the screw he rode, seemed inclined
to be a trifle civil to him when they saw them in conver-
sation. He need not have felt flattered, however. Carys-
ford knew well the value of his attention and acquaint-
ance no one better. He was one of a class. He lived
and hunted on his rank. He was a hawking owl among
small game, and even what others might consider vermin
was not always refused by him. It depended a good deal
on his feathers. If they were in good order, his flight
was high ; if straggled and ragged, it was at a lower altitude.
He would sell a horse or a friend with equal pleasure. He
had at once marked down Newton for a deal of which we
need not say he wasn't to get the best. The Hon. Charley
was always ' standing in a little ' for various little matters.
Did an aspiring party desire to kiss his sovereign's hand,
and had no one to present him, Carysford could and would
do it for him, provided he 'stood in a little.' Did a Mr.
So-and-so want to be introduced and married to an Hon.
Miss So-and-so, or vice versd, Carysford was your man,
provided he * stood in a little.' Did any one want an invi-
tation for Lady Palmsoap's ball, Carysford would secure it,
provided you allowed him to * stand in a little. ' And lastly,
did you want anything in the Government way, provided you
were willing to do something very handsome for Government,
and bind yourself body and soul to it for ever, and allowed
him, the Hon. Charles, to * stand in a little,' hang me if he
couldn't work it for you, and so that was all about it.
Society, as it is called, could not thrust him from its bosom,
because really the only difference between them was that
perhaps it was better off than he was in a pecuniary sense,
not that it was a whit more virtuous or better principled ;
besides, he was related to half a dozen lofty families, who
have played various parts in our history, a good many
members of whom were, by this time, on a par with himself
in point of honesty and morality. There he was, ready to
do theirs, yours, his own, or anybody's dirty work, if he only
A SOUTHERLY WIND AND A CLOUDY SKY 171
* stood in a little.' Always 'round a corner' as one might
say, bobbing about from place to place, to get out of this
one's way, or to avoid the other one day bussing it, another
day cabbing it, now railing it, and now four-in-handing it,
but seldom or never twice together in the same day. Some-
times in Belgravia, when any one would have him ; and some-
times on Eel-pie Island, maintaining a strict blockade, and
keeping a perpetual and bright look-out walking into Surrey
if the Sheriff of Middlesex made his appearance, and taking
a promenade in Middlesex when the Sheriff of Surrey was
reported to be in sight; taking his walks abroad amongst
his friends on Sunday, and always in possession of a stud
of horses in various parts of the country, and hunting his
three days a week when he could. It was a curious kind
of life one long game of hide and seek, with a general sus-
picion of strangers, and a practical knowledge of Insolvent
Courts and Bankruptcy Commissioners. Having been in
early life called to the bar, he became acquainted with * The
Bench,' and the rules thereof, in the course of his studies
of that portion of the law which affects getting into debt
and getting out of it again without paying.
But we are getting far away from Hangback Gorse, to-
wards which the cavalcade of sportsmen and hounds were
now hastening, Hangback Gorse was a thin plantation,
with a bottom of furze here and there in patches abound-
ing with rabbits, there being a warren handy. There were
some tallish hedges round some parts of the cover. Knots
of sportsmen were chatting, smoking, passing the * tea-
canister,' and criticising horses, dogs, or general appearances.
Most of them were well known to one another.
' Hallo ! what have we got here ? ' asked a natty little
man, with a beaming countenance and somewhat inclining
to rotundity. ' What have we here ? ' Newton and his friend
rode slowly by. ' Charley, my dear, I saw you talking to
one of them. What are they on ? '
' Oh ! two old screws of Cheeker's. I know them well
enough. Seen 'em hundreds of times.'
1 And who are the " ingenuous puer's " who have bestowed
the priceless gift of their confidence on a Checker ? '
' How should I know ! I met the tallest one at the
Hounslow mess some time since. The other I fancy I have
seen somewhere, in some office or other; I hardly know.'
i;2 NEWTON DOGVANE
'Why don't you take pity on them, and remount them?'
' I mean to, but steady steady.' The last word or two
was addressed to his horse, as the musical ' Yoi over ' from
old Tom Crafty Bullyoaks being, of course, only a sobri-
quet sent the hounds almost en masse into the cover.
Old Tom was a huntsman of the old school, thoroughly up
in every department of the science he practised, and as much
addicted to hard language as he was to hard riding, and,
in truth, to hard living in a general way. Woe betide the
unlucky individual who chanced to incur his indignation !
And now every ear was bent towards the cover, and every
eye scanned curiously the cover-side. The horses stood with
ears almost touching in their anxiety to catch the first
whimper, all eagerness and impatience to be off. Newton
sat quietly some fifteen or twenty yards behind Carys-
ford, watching his motions, and ready to do, if possible,
as he did. Mr. Chilliwun, however, scorned to do as any
one did ; but went skirting along the cover-side, in spite
of the constant strong hints to keep quiet which he received.
On he went with his nose towards the cover, vainly striving
to smell out the fox ; and thus he passed from point to
point, until a tall hedge, running from the cover at right
angles, stopped his further progress.
Now, it so happened that the farmer to whom the adjoin-
ing field belonged had been throwing down a heap or two
of green manure the day before, and the wind setting -thence
brought the smell straight to Mr. Chilliwun's nose.
* Sniff, sniff, sniff. Ah ! very strong indeed. Yes, here
he is, no doubt,' and forthwith he commenced telegraphing
and gesticulating to one of the whips, who was just enter-
ing the cover, having stopped half a moment to exchange a
word with a knot of gentlemen.
' What is that gentleman doing ? Why, I declare, Charley,
it's one of your friends. What does he mean V (Gesticulations
growing violent.) * What does he want ? What on earth is
he up to ? ' (Gesticulations and telegraphing more and more
violent with every fresh puff.) * What the deuce game do you
call that ? What's he doing with his nose ? lias anything
bitten him ? Let's go and see. There's some fun here ; ' and
riding slowly along, they approached within about twenty
yards of Mr. Chilliwun, when that gentleman, rising in his
stirrups with excitement, with glaring eye and wild hair.
A SOUTHERLY WIND AND A CLOUDY SKY 173
said in a loud, hoarse stage whisper, as he pointed to the
hedge
* Here he is ; / can smell him.' That there was a burst
of suppressed laughter at this, at which Mr. Chilliwun first
looked blank, then surprised, and then indignant, it is need-
less to say. Great would have been the chaff, but for a faint
whimper on the other side of the cover which stopped every
mouth. They rode quietly but quickly back to their station,
Mr. Chilliwun following, but slowly. Scarcely had they
reached it when a deep sonorous challenge came echoing
through the cover.
* Hoick to Beindeer ! Hoick to Reindeer ! Twang,
twang ; ' and old Tom went bustling through the cover,
bringing together the hounds rapidly. The challenge was
repeated. There was no mistake about it. Another and
another hound acknowledged the scent. Crash, tear, rush.
Master Reynard was afoot, and no mistake. They had
worked up to him, and the hounds were bustling him closely,
and hound after hound joined the cry, until one continued
stream of melody made the cover ring and every heart
quiver, as the men forced their hats tight down on their
brows, threw away the stumps of their cigars, and drew a
deep breath as they gathered up the reins and took a fresh
grip.
'Now for it. I wonder where he'll break.'
* What the &c. &c. is that booby-headed varmint-sniffer
doing there 1 ? Come back, you, sir,' screamed Bob Seely, the
whip, ' come back, &c. &c., your carcass, come back ! '
The hounds were making straight as an arrow for the
point where Mr. Chilliwun was standing, every hound throw-
ing tongue like half a dozen. Reynard evidently meant bolt-
ing there, for it was much too hot where he was.
'Who the &c. &c. would ever have thought, &c. &c., of
his sticking hisself there ? He'll head him back for sartin ! '
and a volley of oaths rolled from Bob Seely as he galloped
up to the devoted Chilliwun. It was too late ; for long
before he could reach him, he saw that wretched individual
make a sudden and frantic rush forward, with a loud shriek
of ' Tally-ho ! ' in a cracked voice and a variety of keys,
assuredly the most discordant yell that ever unfortunate fox
was greeted with, the instant he showed his nose out of
cover. Another terrific oath burst from Bob Seely as he
174 NEWTON DOG VANE
charged slap at the hapless Chilliwun, and rolled him, horse
and all, over and over into the ditch, and took the lot in his
stride as he sprang into the cover. But it was too late ; a
confused uproar and muttered oaths from angry lips suc-
ceeded the late burst of music. There was no mistake about
it. There he was, dead, in all his pride and beauty Key-
nard was chopped. It is perfectly impossible to describe
the feeling of the field, and it would be useless to dwell upon
the rage of Tom Crafty and Bob Seely, because we really
could not shock our readers' ears with a tenth part of what
was said. That Mr. Chilliwun escaped with no worse pun-
ishment must be attributed to his being stunned in the
ditch. In the midst of all this, clear and distinct from the
farther end of the cover came ringing up, 'Tally ho-o-o-o
gone awoy ! ' Another fox ! never ! Gad ! what luck !
Luck 1 We should rather think it was ; and, doubtless, as
much so for the reader as for the author. We might
describe that which would have taken place in ninety cases
out of a hundred the growls of the field at a day thus
spoiled ' Cut to pieces, murdered, sir ! ' We might have
told of drawing one or two more covers as blank as the
sportsmen's faces, and a cheerless ride home, without the
least symptom of a run. No doubt this would have been
the state of affairs but too surely ; but it must be borne in
mind that such a tame occurrence would not be worth de-
scribing; or, if described at all, might, and probably would,
be done somewhat in the way in which such a day would be
entered in a sportsman's diary. Thus: 'Tuesday, 23rd.
Lovely morning as ever came out of the heavens ; " southerly
wind and a cloudy sky." Drew Hangback Gorse ; found
directly. Fox headed back into cover by a fool an infernal
idiot on a flea-bitten screw chopped of course. Drew Cowl
Dean and Brambledrag both blank Home tired, wet, and
disgusted. Don't think I shall hunt again this season, particu-
larly if I see " a fool i' the forest." N.B. All muffs should
be held in a string, like bad retrievers confound them.'
We once knew a gentleman who was rather celebrated for
toughish yarns, and when taken to task he always replied,
1 What would be the use of telling you so and so, if it icaarft
rath or unusual?'
On reaching the spot whence the Tally-ho proceeded, tin y
found a rustic not the sort of rustic Punch invariubly depicts
A SOUTHERLY WIND AND A CLOUDY SKY 175
something in a smock-frock, with chops like those of a
prize-pig. We venture to say that that style of labourer is
decidedly a lusus naturce, and although it may suit the manu-
facturing and commercial interest to portray a species of
bacon-fed monster as a rustic labourer, we can only say, after
having resided much in the country and in many parts of it,
that we have not many times realised this picture; and
although there are, doubtless, men who have such a tendency
to fatness that they will get fat upon the hardest bodily
labour and nine or ten shillings a week, they are very few
and very far between. Arriving at the other side of the
cover, our sportsmen found a little withered fellow, in a high-
dried state of preservation, who did not look as if there
were a drop of perspiration left in his body ; very red in the
face, however, was he, with shouting and gesticulating, as he
pointed in an excited state up a long hedgerow.
* Be so good as to 'old 'ard one moment, gentlemen/ said
Old Tom. ' Now then, old 'un, just show us the hidentical
spot where you seed him/ he continued, turning to the old
fellow, who still pointed up the hedgerow. ' Don't pint up
here nor doAvn there, that's not the ticket at all. Where did
you see him 1 '
' Whoy, all along theer, to be sure.*
* All along theer ! Wheer ? ' (ironically). ' Did you see him
by that holly-bush ? '
* Oy, oy, in course I did.'
* Head up the row ? '
1 Oy, oy, up the row. Oy, sure.'
' That'll do. Nothing like system.'
* There's a shillin' for ye/ 'And there's another/ 'And
another ; ' ' And there's half-a-crown, old buck. ' And well we
weet that rustic had never seen, much less experienced, such
a shower of silver in his life before. A second fox had stolen
away, and in a few minutes the joyful music was once more
ringing through meadow and glade, through hollow and upland
away, away ! The scent was breast high, and the morning
did not belie its appearance. We won't stop to discourse on
' scent ' every one knows what a capricious thing it is, and
how many an apparently good scenting-day turns out a de-
ceiver, and vice versa. It was not so now, however. The scent
was good enough, and every hound carried it breast-high.
The first few fields were flat and easy, with small fences.
176 NEWTON DOGVANE
Over these Newton managed to get, after a fashion. To be
sure, his seat was anything but perfect or pretty ; still, he
managed to hang on somehow, and as he scrambled over them
he didn't tumble off, and that was the great thing. To say
that he was in a state of excitement, and that the blood went
tingling up to the roots of his hair and then down to his
very toe-nails, would be only the truth. He was actually in
the very heart and marrow of a run at last at least he
thought so. Was there ever anything, is there anything,
like it ? Stag-hunting ! Pooh ! steeple-chasing's as interest-
ing. Currant-jellying ! Bah ! sport for grandmothers. Fox-
hunting is fox-hunting, per se, and there's nothing like it.
It beats ah ! it beats cock-fighting or any other fighting ;
and so Newton thought, as, with his horse well in hand, he
went bowling along at a smart pace over the grass. A
moment's check enabled him to settle himself well down.
4 Pard'n me, sir,' said a groom, riding up alongside him
on a horse which seemed familiar to Newton. ' Pard'n me,
sir, but t'other gentleman's gone'd 'ome. Ye see, I stopped
to see the throw off. And when he got out of the ditch, he
d d fox-'untin' Lor, how he did d n fox-'untin', to be
sure; ain't it blasphemious to d n fox-'untin', sir? He
swore he wouldn't get upon a 'oss again if any one 'ud die and
leave him a fortin' to do it; and so he said as he'd walk
'ome, as he knowed the way, and I was to lead the old 'oss
'ome arter him, sir; but, pard'n me, sir, 'tain't often we gets
sich a chance, sir, and I made bold, thinkin' as the 'oss was out,
and wouldn't leave the cry of the Bounds; thinks I, well, it's a
pity to spile the will of a 'oss as is so fond of it; so I thought,
ye know, sir, I'd jest come and look arter you a little way,
and then, in case of any haccident, I should be ready with a
spare 'oss, sir.' Here they hit off the scent and were away
again. ' Pard'n me, sir, but you should allus stick yer knees
in at a thing of that sort. All right, sir. Here you air.'
Newton and Joe (it was Joe, of course) had gone at a
fence which had been freshly made, they having swerved a
little for that purpose; Newton's horse touched it with his
fore feet, and although he got through somehow, he bungled
at it, and Newton came down soft in the adjoining fallow.
A slight shake was the only damage ; his horse scrambled
up with Joe's assistance, and, nothing daunted, Newton
once more ascended to the post of honour, and then began to
A SOUTHERLY WIND AND A CLOUDY SKY 177
think, for the first time, of his absent friend. How wonder-
fully selfish we become under the influence of excitement ! The
fresh fox had entirely driven Mr. Chilliwun from his mind.
* Dear me ! Ah ! to be sure. Yes, Chilliwun's horse, of
course it is. Thank ye. Yes. Oh ! I suppose it's all right.
And so he's gone home. Walked, eh ? Yery foolish of him.
"Why didn't he turn to and give that whipper-in a good horse-
whipping ? Well, it can't be helped. Thank ye, that'll do,
all right ! ' and they were off once more.
' Well, now, 'pon my soul, I likes to see that. I likes to
see a gent take no notice of a purl. It show's he's a plucked
'un, and no mistake, that's wot it does. Now, sir, pard'n
me, sir, but I should like to see you get in,' he continued, as
the hounds came once more to a slight check some sheep
had stained the scent. * So don't you go to take none o'
them breakneckers, nor none o' them yawners, 'cos pard'n
me, sir, for sayin' so you ain't quite up to it p'raps. You'll
see a hedge or two and a ditch, and likewise, p'raps, a wall
or two afore you're quite done. I've seed many a young 'and
(good 'uns, too, some on 'em) spoiled by ridin' at wot they
didn't ought to. Riding well t' 'ounds ain't larnt in a 'urry ;
there's a many things to be consulted the country, and the
like o' the fences, and yer 'orse, and cetrer, and the 'ounds,
and the scent, and all sorts of things. Bless you, I was
whip to the Trumpshire myself once till I 'ad a haccident
and couldn't ride regler no more. No, it ain't larnt in a day
more than nothin' else is, not to do it well. People as don't
know nothin' about it gets on a 'oss and comes out a fox-
'untin', and thinks that they has nothin' to do but to ride
down two or three kipple o' 'ounds mayhap. Never mind
what sich fools as them thinks or says about ridin', 'cos it
ain't no manner o' matter. But pard'n me, sir. Don't do
heverythink you see some o' the rest o' the field do. Fust
place, sir, they may be better hoss'd than you be, and, bein'
older 'ands pard'n me, sir they may know better what to
do with their 'osses, and, consequently, they'd very likely
get safe over where you'd get sich a cropper as 'ud spoil
you, with p'raps a collar-bone bruck. Take everythink you
thinks you can take, and a little you mayn't be altogether
sartain about, 'specially if you're obliged to ; but don't go at
wot you knows you can't, jest for the look o' the thing.
Some people thinks that's bold ridin' ; but, pard'n me, sir,
M
178 NEWTON DOGVANB
others thinks it's the hactions of a fool. Now, sir, d'ye see
that stout old gent. Now, sir, he don't ride short o' sixteen
stone, and yet he's always there or thereabout, and you don't
never see him do nothink werry unhansom. Well, you look
to him ; whenever you comes to a buster, keep him in your
eye, and do pretty much as he do, and you may depend
always perwided your 'oss 'olds out you may depend that
when they runs into him you'll be there or thereabout too.
Pard'n me, sir, but my m otter's, Never ride over a gate
when you can open it, and always spare yer 'oss if you can,
and he'll spare you; but, on the other hand, never crane
nor shirk at nothin' as you're in duty bound to take.' Here
a hound threw tongue. ' There's old Reindeer; I'd swear
to him among a thousand. He's o' Countess's stock, o' the
Strongbow strain he is as true a hound as ever feathered.
Lor ! Lor ! Don't I wish I wos a whip again ! '
The cast was successful the scent was hit off, and the
challenge by Reindeer was once more taken up. Hey over
the hills and far away. There was no time, nor any wind
either, to interchange a syllable now. Newton did pretty
much as his mentor had advised him, as the advice seemed
good and was given in good part. Now we don't want to
make our hero the hero of the day, and we scorn to stumble
into the vanity-hidden pitfall which some authors fall into,
in supposing it absolutely necessary that their hero should
shine pre-eminent in whatever situation or society he may
find himself. It would be according to the usual practice
of many writers of works of fancy and fiction, to make our
hero upon his old screw, never having followed hounds in
his life, and with only six weeks' practice at fencing, &c. &c.,
pass a whole field mounted upon more or less thorough-
breds, and flying over terrific walls, frightful ravines, and
swollen rivers, to rush in and get the brush, just as its
owner lay struggling on the ground with the only couple
and a half of hounds up, and nothing else in sight we say
this would be in accordance with too often the style of thing
in which dealers in fictitious horsemanship, on paper, delight
to indulge. Truth, however, compels us to say that nothing
of the kind happened. He certainly did keep an eye upon
the gentleman who rode about sixteen stone, and did niuch
as he saw him do when anything unusually formidable pre-
sented itself a process which consisted in either walking
A SOUTHERLY WIND AND A CLOUDY SKY 179
quietly through a gap, leading his horse over, or lifting a
gate off. A man who rides sixteen stone, and desires to
be there or thereabout, can't be expected to take everything.
But bad riding and a bad horse are bad adjuncts to see the
end of a run with.
Newton had once, when his horse rose at a hurdle in
a gap, found himself on his beam-ends on a muddy bank,
which retained a neat and correct impression of the base of
the bags which enclosed the honour of all the Dogvanes ;
and once, when his contumacious beast refused at a brook,
not being accustomed to water every day, he had found
himself head first in it, shooting out of his saddle over the
horse's neck with the swiftness and precision of a cross-bow
bolt. It was an undoubted cooler ; and he had to fish for
his hat, which stuck in the mud, with his crop. The ginger-
bread nuts, too, came to grief, and when he put his hand in
his pocket for his handkerchief, they presented an appearance
and consistency commonly denominated as 'todgy.' The
brandy, though, was all right, and his horse, on both occa-
sions, fell to cropping the tufts of grass when he had got rid of
his rider, as if he were used to it, and was easily caught again.
So far so good not that we advocate cold baths in the
winter-time. But the next field being a very heavy fallow,
Newton was pounded, and looking round, he saw the stout
gent who rode about sixteen stone, whom he had rather left
in the rear lately, walking quietly through a portion of the
brook which was fordable, about a hundred and fifty yards
up ; and whilst he was in this position, one by one the field
dropped out of view, until he was alone. The cry of the
hounds grew faint fainter; anon he heard them again,
then a dip, and it ceased entirely.
'Devilish pleasant. Come up, you brute. I suppose I
must get off and lead him. Wet through to the skin, eh ?
Never mind ; the brandy's all right,' and he felt for the little
case-bottle, and tested it of course. ' And the sport is, by
Jove, magnificent glorious won't I practise the " Ta-a-liho,
Hoi over, Hoic forrard, Hoick hoick to Reindeer." How
musical it is ! Talk of Sims Reeves and Adelaida ! That's
all very well in its way, you know. But where the deuce
am I ? Here's a field, and there's a brook, and yonder's
ah ! yes, yonder's some smoke, and where there's smoke
there's fire ; so come along. Gee ho, Dobbin, gee ho, Dobbin,
iSo NEWTON DOGVANE
gee ho, Dobbin, gee up and gee ho' sang Newton, as he
led his baked steed towards a gate at the right-hand side of
the field. Another field and a short lane brought him to
a farmyard, the buildings being masked by a row of elms.
* Egad ! this is lucky. What a thing it would have been to
have to go stalking about over fields, and hedges, and ditches,
towing a beaten horse after you. Now, if the farmer's half a
good sort of fellow, he'll give a fellow a chance of drying
himself.'
And the farmer was a good sort of fellow, as all farmers
who live in hunting countries ought to be, and for the
most part are. A regular trump was Joskins, or whatever
you like to call him. Again, I beg to say, not at all what
Punch and Co. represent him in a general way to be.
Ignorant ! Fiddle-de-dee ! What, because he minds only
his own business, arid does not poke his nose into yours as
you do into his ! Try a deal with him for a pig, sheep, or
a load of wheat, and see who is ignorant then. Ignorant
because he talks in a patois which he and his men under-
stand, and which alone his men could understand ! And
doesn't your Cockney or your Lancashire ouvrier talk in a
patois ? or isn't it ignorance in them ?
It would seem strange, all this misrepresentation, this
perpetual nibbling at the land by the commercial interest,
as it is called. When the Corn Laws went down, what could
it find to cavil at afterwards ? The stupid old cry of ravenous
landlords and jolter-headed farmers, one would have thought,
would have ceased, and then (for in a sporting novel the
subject is a fair one) county magistrates and game-laws
came in for a strong share of animadversion, and the Bokums
and Twisters of the Stock Exchange and cotton interest
complain that they fill the gaols. But the Bokums and
Twisters fill their gaols tolerably full too, somehow, without
game-laws, &c. ; and thieves will exist in the country as well
as the town, and (if they couldn't steal game) ducks, geese,
and turkeys would take their turn.
It is not the law relating to game as game which sends
nine-tenths of the poachers to prison, but the law relating
to game as property. The law relating to game as game cuts
chiefly at the gentleman. He must not kill game at all,
not even his own, without a license, and some thousands of
gentlemen, in consequence, pay three pounds annually for the
A SOUTHERLY WIND AND A CLOUDY SKY 181
privilege. To say the least of it, this is a source of revenue.
But the law relating to game as property is simply, 'You
must not take from my land, or any one else's, what does
not belong to you.' Surely there is nothing very unreason-
able in a gentleman who has bred, 'fed, and protected
pheasants and other game, at an expense of something like
a pound a head, preferring to kill and eat them himself
to allowing Giles Scroggins, who never directly or indirectly
contributed one farthing to their support, to do so, and who,
when he is found stealing them, inclines to murdering a
keeper out of hand rather than to going with him quietly.
How would Bokum and Twister like a visit from him,
attended with his ' black-eye and bulldog,' some fine day,
when engaged in their paddocks among their Dorkins and
Houdins 1 and how would they relish a terrific smash on
the head, accompanied with any amount of bad language,
if they endeavoured to prevent his knocking down and
pocketing their favourites ? There is not much difference in
the cases. My field or my wood is as much mine as Bokum's
paddock or Twister's poultry-yard are theirs. What else
have they to grumble at? Surely they won't grumble at
a landlord demanding rent, or getting the best he can,
because they may become landlords themselves some day,
when they will have to change their opinions no great
difficulty it would seem, for they always make the most un-
scrupulous screws and the sharpest nippers when they do.
So, come out of that, you ignorant joskins, and tyrannous,
game-preserving, gaol-filling landlord. Just feed our work-
men for nothing, will you, and thank our gracious mercy,
which allows you to live at all in such an age of enlighten-
ment and improvement. Eat your crust and be thankful.
It is only commerce that shall walk in silk attire and never
have to spare.
The fact not to be concealed is that the old British mer-
chant, with his sturdy honesty and individuality of enterprise,
has gradually disappeared before the company, the gambler,
the time-bargainer, and stockjobber men without coun-
try or principle, void alike of patriotism or honesty; and
the entire commercial system is rotten and baseless, while
manufacturers are scrambling for fortunes, and are not
satisfied with living and working steadily up to opulence, but
have gone on screwing and screwing and producing flashy
182 NEWTON DOGVANE
rubbish, and pressing into their service machinery and every-
thing which can possibly cheapen labour or do away with it,
in order that they may undersell each other, until profits are
at length at a minimum, and they are beginning to feel the
curse of their own avarice and hungriness, and are constantly
casting about and seeking what or whom they may devour
to prolong their own existence. But, maugre carping mis-
representations, England may still be proud of her agricul-
turists; they are the same honest, hard-working race they
ever were ; and though not quite untouched by tho march of
vice and villany, misnamed civilisation, whenever the great
pinch comes, as come it will ere very many years, they will
still be found the real backbone of the country, in spite
of all that may be said of them. Long may they remain so ;
and heaven help that country that has no other interests to
look to or protect it but commercial interests ! But these
jealousies between land and commerce should never have
arisen. Agriculture and Commerce are twin sisters, and ought
to go hand in hand; and it is bad for that country where
they disagree it proves ' a house divided against itself. '
All this while, however, our hero waits at Joskins's door
not that he did wait there, by any means. But we must
beg our readers to excuse the digression we have been led
into, for it is so seldom the commercial interest does hear
the truth, that it is a pity any opportunity should be lost of
telling it them. Newton made his way to Joskins's, and
he was warmly received.
* Gentleman's horse to stable, Will'm. Wet through and
through ? dear me ! coom in, sir ; coom along. I'll lend 'ee
a rough change while yourn's dryin'. Always glad to see
fox-hunters, tho'f I don't follow th' sport. A' used to when
a' was young ; now and then and again, jest for sport-like,
a' used to saddle th' old chestnut, and tally-ho away with
the best on 'em. But, 'pend on't, a varmer's never so well
placed as when his to home. The men woan't foller the pleugh
while the varmer's a follern th' ounds. As poor old veather
used to say, " Tummus, if thee goes to the dogs too often,
thy property '11 foind the way t' goo there too." Missus, do 'ee
put a rasher or two and a yag (egg) or two t' toast ; and hot
up a glass o' yale, wi' dash o' ginger and drap o* gin in't.'
We do not see any unpardonable ignorance in all this ; nml.
reader, this wasn't an hotel, recollect, and there was nothing
A SOUTHERLY WIND AND A CLOUDY SKY 183
to pay for it ; yet this sort of thing is not at all uncommon
nay, it happens every day in fox-hunting countries, ay,
and in countries where fox-hounds are not, amongst this
selfish, ignorant, benighted set of joskins and chawbacons.
We appeal to any one who has had opportunities of judging,
is the case overstated or exaggerated ? And here for a part-
ing fling. Suppose, reader, you'd tumbled into the Thames
by accident, do you think that any of your city magnates
the Lord Mayor or any of the commercial corporation, for
instance would take you in and make you comfortable, and
lend you a suit of their own sable, while your own clothes
were drying ? Do you think, if you approached the freshly
cleaned doorsteps of a Lancashire mill-owner, in piteous state,
and leading a draggle-tailed horse after you, and requested
a little shelter and firing, that he'd offer you a gratuitous
change and a hot snack, and put your horse up, and give
you whatever his house afforded, chatting pleasantly and
jovially, and neglecting his business for politeness or hospi-
tality's sake meanwhile ? No ; I say emphatically, he'd see
you sornethinged first. And now, having landed Newton in
good quarters, we must get back to the hunt.
' It's the pace that kills.' After leaving Newton pounded
in the fallow field, Reynard took down into the valley of the
Booze (we don't know if there be such ja stream in any part
of the country ; if so, that is the Booze signified). Skirting
the bank of that sweet little trouting beck (it is a trout-
ing beck, we believe), he took across the little foot-bridge
near Greylingford (and there is a Greylingford, with a little
foot-bridge just below it, on the stream, it is to be hoped ; if
not, the reader must really enter into a contract with us to
supply one). Setting his head straight up the bank, he gained
the pasture above, and held right away for Niblington earths.
(How often the reader, when reading sporting fictions, has
run his fox into those very identical earths !) The pace
had been severe, but did not abate as yet. A slight check
occurred, which gave some of the almost pumped-out ones
time to draw out a fresh lease. Off again, and some one take
the hindmost ; and there was a hindmost every minute, who
never got any farther forward. Our friend Joseph was one
of them. 'Well, I should a liked to a seen the end on't,'
he said, as he led Mr. Cheeker's property off to the nearest
refuge, * for I call's that fox a ripper.'
1 84 NEWTON DOG VANE
1 Lift that gate, Gus,' said the Hon. Charley to the gentle-
man whom we have heard talking to him on familiar terms
at the commencement of the chapter, after another ten minutes
or so j * this can't last.'
1 Unless the vulpine be a species of demon or gnome fox, I
should say not,' gasped his friend, dragging his horse up by
the roots almost, and saving him from the results of a severe
stumble. * There's Porkey perched/ he continued, as they
come almost to a standstill, and subsequently to a staggering
walk; and looking round, Carysford beheld the gentleman
who rode about sixteen stone, and whom his friend had
designated Porkey, stuck fast in a very stout bullfinch, from
which there was no escape but a half leap, half scramble, and
whole tumble.
' I never knew him a hundred miles off at the finish, never-
theless,' answered Carysford, pumping considerably himself.
* Hold aside for me, old fellow ; I'll do as much for you.
What a d 1 of a hill this is ! The game's almost up.' And
so it was, for on the other brow of the hill, up which they
were now struggling, was a small plantation, in which were
the earths referred to. The hounds had been running almost
mute for some minutes. Reynard struggled gamely for the
longed-for haven of safety a short two hundred yards, and
all would be over. He may not reach it, however. The
dreaded pack rush into view of him, they race up the gently
shelving brow. He charges a stone boundary wall once
past that, escape is almost certain ; but his strength fails him
at the last leap, and he falls back exhausted into the fangs
of his tormentors.
' Who-o-o-oop ; it's all over.'
'And a deuced good job, too ; eh, Gus ? '
* Rather ! We were very near rowing the little boat,
though. Phew ! pass us the tea-canister. He's a whopper,
isn't he ? '
' As game a fox as ever chewed bunny,' said a short, puffy,
gasping voice behind. They looked round. It was the gent
who rode the sixteen stone, and who always teas there or there-
about, and who was leading his blown nag in, both of them
showing extensive marks of the last bullfinch's handiwork.
' Well, Tom, how many does that make ? '
* Thirty-three, sir. Ask pardon, sir. Will you take the
brush, sir ? '
MRS. SPELTHORNE 185
Time, fifty-five minutes. Telling-time, as somebody says,
an hour and a half. Distance, from point to point, fourteen
miles. What the telling distance might be, we don't pretend
to say, but leave it to the conscience and computation of the
reader.
CHAPTER XIX.
MRS. SPELTHORNE
' WELL, ye see, as I was a sayin', me and Bill Hardham, the
Richmond vet, was havin' a glass at the door, wen J oo shud
drive by but Dicky Sutton with Sir Jim Belcher we calls him
Captain Jim in a Whitechapel or, no, let's see, a Newpit
Pagnel it was, however. They'd just bought a 'oss at Kingston
fair chopped one, hows'ever and wos drivin' him 'ome
likely looking 'oss he wos at a distance too. Jest as they came
abreast, Bill sings out, "Hallo, Sir Jimmy! why, what 'ave you
there ? Lor sakes, man ! I thort a full private wos nearer your
mark than a capting." * " Capting be ," says he ; " wot
d'ye mean by that, Doctor ? " And he jumps out in a dooce of
a hurry, and runs to the ; oss's 'ead. " I means what I says,"
says Bill. "You bought that 'ere 'oss of William Staggers, and
William Staggers sold you a capting." And so he wos too
reglar full-blowed capting. Massy, how Sir Jimmy did go on
you never see a cove so raw in all your born days. He'd
had a deal with the governor a few weeks afore and didn't
like the wenture that 'ere little chestnut mare with the thorn
on the near knee you know'd her ; and so he goes to the
fair, and chops her, and " parts " stiffish too for a capting.
Well, it worn't no joke agin him for the futur, you may
believe ; and that's how they called him Capting Jim.'
The speaker was Mr. Carysford's confidential groom, who
was discussing the contents of a brilliant pewter with a bro-
ther groom, who formed the audience. The place the mews
at the back of Toffington Street, and the time within a
few minutes of three o'clock on the Thursday succeeding the
events of our last chapter.
' Knowin' card the guvnor,' said the companion groom.
* A horse that is glandered is called ' a captain ' in veterinary slang.
1 86 NEWTON DOG VANE
' I tell ye wot, Jems, he is that all that. There ain't a
gent his ekal in a deal, as ever I knowed, and werry few pro-
fessionals. We've got a young green comin' here this here
blessed hidentical mornin', to buy that "'ere black thing of
Coalbox's, the cold meat purweyor's.'
' What ! the hundertaker's 'oss, as stands long o' your'n ? '
1 Jest that.'
' But what's he to do ? Go in a keb or a broom 1 '
* Not nuffin' o' the sort. He's a 'unter to carry ten stun
ten.'
'Well, I am bio wed. Why, it's massacreein' of the hin-
nocents.'
* Cuttin' greens, ain't it ? '
And the worthy pair indulged in a quiet grin, -interspersed
with nods, winks, and wipings of the pewter.
'And wot's the terms? 'Ow much is Coalbox to stand in for?'
' A score and a 'arf . All over that the guvnor sacks. '
'Well, 'ere's luck to the deal. This is the guvnor a
comin', ain't it ? '
' That's 'im and no mistake ; and the young goslin' along
with 'im.'
At this moment Carysford and Newton were seen ap-
proaching down the yard. We must premise that Carysford,
having noticed Newton's anxiety to know Mrs. Spelthorne,
determined to accommodate him with an introduction, pro-
viding, as was his wont, ' he stood in a little ; ' and so he made
the introduction, to a certain extent, contingent on Newton's
buying a horse of him. Of course, if Newton didn't" buy the
horse, he could hardly expect the introduction.
Unassisted, and in the hands of such a trio, the result
could not for a moment be doubtful. The circumstances
of the deal, and the discussion which took place, need no
recounting here. There was no such thing as a difficulty,
a fault, flaw, or blemish ; the slightest chance of one was
lied away instantly. It was a pure piece of dirty roguery ;
and the gang for they deserve no better name took Newton
in to their hearts' content. He, fancying he was dealing
with a gentleman, signed a cheque for seventy guineas in the
most unsuspicious mood, handed it to Carysford, and ' the
black mare, Countess, fit to follow any hounds ' (at what
distance they did not state, she having been used principally
in one of Mr. Coalbox's hearses), became Newton's property.
MRS. SPELTHORNE 187
Three months afterwards she was knocked down again to
Coalbox & Co., at Aldridge's, for seventeen pounds. No
warranty was given or asked for ; and Newton's first essay
at horse-dealing was hardly as successful as he could have
wished. The transaction at an end, the hon. gentleman,
taking Newton under his charge, sauntered off with him in
the direction of Beakwink Street.
Beakwink Street was a quiet little street in the neighbour-
hood of Square. Many gay equipages might from time
to time be seen standing at the doors in Beakwink street,
although the street had a modest, retiring look about it, which
made them seem somewhat out of place. Knocking at one of
the doors, after an interval of a minute, it was opened by a
pale-faced, studious-looking footman, in a subdued livery.
1 Mrs. Spelthorne at home 1 ' asked Carysford. The studi-
ous-looking footman glanced for half a moment at Newton,
as if taking his measure, and then replied in the affirmative.
He led the way upstairs to a small, elegantly furnished
drawing-room, where he left them for a moment.
1 We're in luck,' said Carysford, who was in high spirits
at the thought of the cheque in his waistcoat -pocket and
the gold-mine by his side.
Newton looked round the room. It was a trifle over-
furnished, and the contents looked a little out of place
indeed, there was rather an untidy appearance, if the truth
must be told ; still, everything was as expensive as velvet,
gilding, and Persian draperies could make it.
* ' Humph ! ' said Newton, half aloud ; * she must be very
well off indeed.'
1 Well off ! I wish I had half her money,' said Carysford,
who had watched closely Newton's glance round the room.
' Things seem a little out of sorts,' he continued ; * but
she always has a crush or a concert, or something on Wed-
nesday nights, so I suppose they've hardly had time to get
straight. I almost wonder we were admitted.'
The servant returned.
* His mistress would make her appearance immediately ; '
and he busied himself by putting a chair or two in place, and
whisking a broken lustre off the mantelpiece, he vanished.
The door opened a slight rustle as of a zephyr sigh-
ing through distant leaves, and the Spelthorne the Hon-
ourable Mrs. Spelthorne made her graceful appearance,
1 88 NEWTON DOG VANE
followed by a staid-looking Frenchwoman of middle age,
who was a sort of half companion, half lady's-maid, and
who played propriety when necessary and fulfilled the
arduous office of gooseberry -picker -in -ordinary to Mrs.
Spelthorne, whenever her presence was required for that
purpose. Mrs. Spelthorne was very beautiful. Fair, with
one of those transparent, changing complexions where a
blush is ever mantling. Long, curling, chestnut hair; a
clearly defined mouth, with thin, well-cut lips, which would
have looked deceitful and tigerish had they not been cherry-
red. Large, soft, false hazel eyes, full of light at times, and
full of shadow too. There was something in the expression
of her face which, while it reminded you of Paradise, did
not allow you to forget the serpent either. She was dressed,
a merveille, in a ravishing morning dress, which concealed,
and yet half displayed, the beauties of her figure and form.
She was clever after a fashion. But her favourite subjects
of conversation, as it seemed this morning, were of horses,
dogs, hunting, &c. The opera, the theatre, the drawing-
room, and such topics, instituted apparently for the purpose
of allowing folks who can compass or talk of nothing else to
interchange the usual generalities about, were dismissed in
a few words ; but when the subject of hunting was introduced,
Mrs. Spelthorne, who had complained of headache and dul-
ness, brightened up and went off at a great pace, treating
it as one well acquainted with it, and neither avoiding
nor eschewing hunting or stable terms, and dealing in a
very fair amount of slang appertaining thereto, as if it were
a matter of course. Indeed, she 'called a spade a spade,' as
the phrase goes, with a most bewitching mixture of simplicity
and insouciance. Newton could not help remarking this
to Carysford as they left the house ; his answer was very
characteristic : ' Oh ! gels with any blood in 'em just say or
do what they like, sir. It's only your snobs and snobbesses
that speak and do by weight and measure.'
After a few minutes' conversation Newton ventured to say
he thought he had seen her riding in the Park with a friend
of his, Mr. Bowers; and he watched her face as she replied
' Bowers ? Certainly. Yes. Dear little Teddy ! Do you
know, Mr. Dogwood, he's an admirer of mine. And rc.illy
and positively now, I declare I think that I'm almost in love
with him. lie is so refreshing, so charming, after the blase.
MRS. SPELTHORNE 189
matured wickedness and hard-heartedness of town. What
was it Lady Hinckley said of him, Madame ? ' Madame looked
up from a slipper she was embroidering inquiringly.
1 Of that Mr. Bowers we rode in the Park with once or
twice ? ' continued the Spelthorne.
'Ah! Ma foi! Yas, bon. She say he is von veritable
Bower ove evergrins.'
* Bower of evergreens. Yes. Very good, wasn't it ? ' she
asked, in the most cool and unconcerned way, of the maligned
individual's particular friend.
It was useless to watch her countenance ; there was nothing
distinguishable behind it ; and, if she had not most perfect
mastery over it, she had nothing to conceal. Anyhow, there
was nothing to be gathered from it by so unpractised a
physiognomist as Newton ; and the process was a danger-
ous one ; for once, when Newton met her eyes turned inquir-
ingly upon his, as if to ask what he was looking for there, a
feeling as of giddiness shot through him, and warned him of
the danger he incurred, even defended as he was by a triple
shield.
* Talking of Bowers, though, doesn't he live near Crook-
ham, somewhere handy to Dealmount, Sir John Vasey's
place ?' asked Carysford. Newton answered in the affirmative.
' Oh ! I've got the most charming little cottage in that
neighbourhood,' said Mrs. Spelthorne. ' The fact is, I want
retirement. I am weary of town life and dissipation. I
mean to live there in- the summer, and get up archery
meetings, and races, and balls, and all sorts of things. Is
that Dealmount, with the large gates and the scutcheon
with a boar and an axe on it ? I thought it must be. Ah,
then, my cottage is just half-way between there and Crook-
ham. Such a jolly little place ! I mean to have it smothered
with roses in the summer. The stables are being repaired
before I can go to it. What is Sir John Vasey like ? Is
he grim and elderly ? He doesn't mix much in society, does
he ? I thought not. Rides a bang-tailed cob, doesn't he ?
I know him, then. I've a great mind to set my cap at him.
Carysford, I'll bet you a box of gloves or no, I won't bet
gloves; you swindled me in the last box. I'll bet you a
bonnet to a hat that's fair odds for a lady that I draw
the badger in a month, he drops in to tea in six weeks, and
in two months he's on his knees.'
190 NEWTON DOG VANE
Thus the fair lady, when at all excited, rattled on.
* I'll register the bet with the greatest pleasure,' said
Carysford. ' The old boy not that he is a very old boy
not much older than I am, in fact ; only, living in the coun-
try at grass so long, he runs to seed quicker ; but he's a kind
of relation of mine, and something or other comes to me at
his marriage a few hundreds, I believe not much; but
in such desperately hard-up times as these one mustn't be
particular. ' And Carysford rose to take leave. ' On second
thoughts, though,' he continued, 'the bet's off. I won't give
you any inducement to exert your talents in that quarter.'
' Why not ? ' asked the lady.
'Because,' answered the gentleman, with an excessively
gallant obeisance, ' I can't spare you ; I want you myself.'
' I'll never have you, Charley.'
' Don't be too sure of that.'
1 Charley, Charley, Charley, you're too mercenary for me.
You want my money ; confess now.'
'Egad,' said Carysford, laughing, as if to hide his confusion,
' I want anybody's money I can get, bad enough ; but I will be
candid enough to do you the justice to say, that I should not
look upon you as an encumbrance to it ; ' and he bowed again.
' Vastly polite, I'm sure. Well, I'll think of the offer ;
and mind, if I choose to hold you to your word, I've two
witnesses to it, in case of a breach of promise. But a truce
to nonsense. Do you ride in the Park this afternoon ? '
' I'm afraid not ; it's too public for me. '
' What ! are you so badly wanted ? Then I won't have
you, that's flat, for I've a horror of the Bench.'
' Well, I confess, though only in a whisper, that there is
a strong desire on the part of " the people " to make me an
unwilling dweller in the tents of Israel, and I don't choose
Cursitor Street as my exercise-ground.'
' Au revoir, then. I shall see you in the evening ? '
'Provided nothing particular happens in the meantime/
Bring Mr. '
'Dogvane,' said Carysford, supplying the name.
'Mr. Dogvane with you to one of my evenings; I shall
be pleased to '
' Number him in the chain of your admirers/ put in Carvs-
ford again. 'Insatiate monster! What appetites women
have for admiration ! Spare him pray, spare him ! '
MRS SPELTHORNE 191
1 1 won't,' said the lady ; ' I mean to reduce him to slavery.'
And, laughing, they took their leave.
' A very pretty look-out this for poor Ned/ thought New-
ton to himself. * I hope he isn't very hard hit ; but she cer-
tainly is very handsome ; ' and he pondered. ' What a des-
perate coquette she is ! Just the woman to attract Ned.
Carysford may call her thoroughbred, and so she seems to
be at times ; but now and then there is a tone of coarseness '
and he thought of Charlotte and Bessie * which repels and
grates upon one a sort of don't-carishness. Is that blood
and high- breeding ? Pooh ! nonsense ! There's puddle-blood
in her veins, and she's earthy, earthy. Poor Neddy ! '
A few days afterwards, as he was strolling through the Park
with Mr. Chilliwun, the lady passed them, driving her little
Arabs. Newton took off his hat and bowed. Mr. Chilliwun
was transfixed on the spot. Mrs. Spelthorne pulled up.
' Oh ! Mr. Dogvane, I haven't your address, or I would
have sent you a card for this evening. Now I must give you
an oral invitation. If you can find time to do yourself the
pleasure, I've some very pretty girls coming. Who is your
smitten friend ? Really I am quite afraid of him. He looks
as if he would devour me.'
'That ! Oh, that's only Chilliwun, of the Redundancy.'
' Of the Redundancy ! Indeed. The Redundancy ? ' and
she appeared to consider. ' And what is his standing ? But
no matter; introduce him. I've some interest in the Re-
dundancy, and, if I like him, may be able to help him. You
see I appreciate genuine admiration, like a true woman, Mr.
Dogvane ; and I'm afraid my vanity is all-devouring.'
Newton thought it was indeed ; but he said nothing, and
did as he was requested. Mr. Chilliwun was rather bashful,
but got through the ceremony tolerably well ; and when he
received an invitation also for the evening, his delight knew no
bounds, and he redoubled his thanks to Newton for making him
known to such a ' divine creechur, sir ; and I say you know,
Dogvane. Look here ; what a jolly trump you are, old fellow ! '
They went. There were a few elderly tabbies sharp, in-
triguing-looking old files; some middle-aged, well-dressed,
fashionable-looking dames; and five or six pretty girls, one
of whom was a young Irish girl an heiress, it was whispered;
another was French; but the prettiest of them all was a Greek,
whose name Newton could not remember. There were two or
192 NEWTON DOG VANE
three members of Parliament, men of standing, and who took
leading places in debates and motions, &c. ; there was an under-
secretary of some department ; several foreigners ; a baron or
so, be-frogged, be- whiskered, be-ordered ; a Russian attache
a very quiet, gentlemanly fellow, apparently.
There was a hum of lively, clever conversation, broken
now and then by a ringing laugh ; a little very good music ;
a waltz or two ; some eating, with very tolerable drinking ;
plenty of flirtation ; and a good deal of card-playing. Mrs.
Spelthorne received them with politeness, introduced Mr.
Chilliwun to the young Greek, and gave Newton a curious
portfolio of engravings and prints to look through; and having
arranged a whist-table to her own satisfaction, sat down to
it the under-secretary and Carysford against one of the
barons and herself. The stakes were evidently high; for,
as the evening passed on, and Newton looked up from time
to time from the folio, he saw slips of paper passing, and an
anxious look upon the young secretary's face, as if he was
losing largely. As for Carysford, there was no emotion visible
on his face; possibly he was too practised a gambler. Newton,
having got through the prints, left them, stood by, and looked
on at the game.
' Are you fond of cards, Mr. Dogvane ? ' asked Mrs. Spel-
thorne, carelessly, after having played out a hand, the result
of which was the scoring of three points against her. She
seemed fidgety.
*I like whist tolerably well,' answered Newton; 'but I
never play high.'
' Picquet is a nice game. Do you know it ? '
Newton pleaded ignorance.
* Ah ! then you ought to learn it. Madame plays beauti-
fully, and will be delighted to teach you.' She telegraphed
her attendant. 'Madame, here is Mr. Dogvane dying to
learn picquet of you.' And Newton, who had not had a
choice in the arrangement, spent the remainder of the evening
in fathoming the mysteries of picquet. It wasn't a very lively
affair ; so he retired early, leaving his friend Chilliwun still
deep in conversation with the young Greek, and feeling him-
self still less inclined to look upon his friend Ned's entangle-
ment as an advantageous one.
' A pretty, graceful woman playing short whist ! and for
high stakes too ! ' Pah ! the idea was positively repulsive to
MR. CHILLIWUN IS BENT ON YACHTING 193
Mm. ' But there's no accounting for taste,' thought Newton.
' A widow hunts and plays whist ! hem ! shouldn't won-
der if she don't smoke. Fancied I detected the flavour of it
when we called the other morning, but set it down to Carys-
ford. Heigho! what fools men make of themselves when
they get spooney ! '
' Well, Mr. Newton,' even the author can't help exclaiming,
' I never ! '
CHAPTER XX.
ME. CHILLIWUN IS BENT ON YACHTING
' I SAY, ole f 'la, look here I've had some doosed good news.
What d'ye think ? My aunt's dead at last, and has left me
ten thou. in her will not a bad haul is it 1 '
Mr. Chilliwun was quite facetious ; and Newton thought
he had been indulging in a * morning ' rather before his
usual time, and hinted at something of the sort.
* No, no honour honour bright ! But we did drink her
health last night, you know. Carysford, Whiskeywitch, and
I, and one or two others, all good sorts. And I'll tell you
what we decided on that I should buy a yacht. By Jove,
we did ! And there's the Gleam, twenty-five tons, I'm going
to look at at Blackwall. ' She's to be had for under a thou.,
I'm told ; and she's quite fit for sea, with a little alteration
or two. I wanted to throw over the ofiice altogether ; but
Whiskeywitch advised me not on any account to think of it ;
and Whiskeywitch told me that is, whispered on the quiet,
you know that he knew some one who knew somebody else,
you know, who might perhaps be able to work the oracle for
me, if I applied for sick-leave, you know for three months'
leave, d'ye see ? That's six weeks to my six weeks, you know ;
and so, by Jove ! I applied, sir, and, by Jingo ! I got it ; so
now, by George ! next week I shall have three months clear
away from that infernal old tape and paper shop, and per-
haps I won't have a time of it. Mind you, I'm to have a dis-
tinguished party, sir to entertain 'em. Whiskeywitch says
he'll come, and Carysford's coming, and Mrs. Spelthorne -
the Spelthorne and Madame Petrovich, and your friend Ned's
N
194 NEWTON DOGVANE
promised to look down on us for a day, and several others.
And my leave begins on Thursday week, and I'm going down
to look at the boat now ; and look here if you like to come
down, we'll look at her together, and you can give me your
opinion, you know.'
All this was said in a confused sort of jumble, which proved
that Mr. Chilliwun had not thoroughly recovered his devo-
tion to the cause of his deceased relative's health on the fore-
going evening. Still, knowing how very easy that unhappy
youth was to gull, and the more so that he fancied himself
gifted with sharpness and some cunning, Newton resolved to
go with him. Mr. Chilliwun retired to his lodgings, dressed,
and got himself into a calmer state by the application of cooling
fluids, and in due time they found themselves at Blackwall.
' Bolt and Teak's hoffice ? That's J im, sir,' and following the
outstretched finger of the workman, they entered a dingy,
rather shabby-looking office, although a considerable deal of
business was transacted in it in the course of the year. Bolt
and Teak was in his office ; he was a coarse, common -looking
man, and he was a stoutish man, and wore a blue waistcoat
and white pearl buttons, and on his head was always a heavy,
crown-crushing, forehead-branding, glazed hat ; it wasn't
altogether certain that he didn't sleep in it, only this couldn't
be easily decided, for Bolt and Teak was a species of weasel
in that respect. Fancy any one catching Bolt and Teak asleep.
Rotherhithe would have grinned, and Poplar have split its
very sides at such an idea, while the neighbouring Island of
Dogs would have cachinnated forth a canine chorus of yells,
and even the very Tunnel would have pulled down its left
upper eyelid and requested to know whether you saw any-
thing reminding you of ' the country ' therein. No, no ; why,
Bolt and Teak was a little boy to a Jew slop-sgller in Ratcliffe
Highway originally, and nicely he was ' dragged up ' there ;
and I remember when his preternatural sharpness attracted
the attention of a speculative shipbroker, who transferred
him to his counting-house by courtesy. It was the fag-end
of a steamboat's cabin, doing duty for an office; and here
Bolt and Teak learnt the remaining thing or two he had not
learnt at the Jew's, and got a Christian polish on his Jewish
education. After that he was head-clerk to a contractor, ;m<l
had a shady, mysterious sort of something to do with ' Govern-
ment.' But Bolt and Teak prospered through all, and finally
MR. CHILLI WUN IS BENT ON YACHTING 195
became an agent (comprehensive word !), and had to do with
ship breaking and broking, yachts and stores, and all sorts
of marine matters ; and, as people were wont to remark, any-
thing which passed through Bolt and Teak's hands did not
want selling again. Our friends, therefore, had about as much
chance with Bolt and Teak as folks say a cat has in a certain
locality when deprived of its claws. My goodness ! how he
did stick that yacht into them ! She was, of course, all that
was wonderful, and Bolt and Teak, seeing the ignorance and
thorough softness of his customers, indulged himself in some
little bits of facetiae, of a semi-professional nature, small, to
be sure, but indicative of the man. In fact, he not only
cheated, but he chaffed them to their faces and to his heart's
content. ' Sail ! She could sail nineteen knots, and that's
what they called " going large." As for sailing into the wind's
eye ! she could poke the wind's eye clean out with her fli/in'
jib-'boom ; and for " eatin' into it," she'd eat into it as if rocks
wos lemon rocks, and eyes wos bulls'-eyes and alicampane.
Well, now, what did you want more of a yacht than that?'
And our friends, not understanding one word of these curious
qualifications, were forced to look wise, shake their heads,
and murmur, * Nothing.'
* Then, as for stowage and accommodation ; there was the
accommodation-ladder down to her accommodation, and there
was her bread-basket, which everybody kno wed was in the waist
of a wessel which, being a " she," of course couldn't be sup-
posed to be without a waist, you know ; and what did you want
more than that ? Boom ! There was as much room as there
was in a purser's accounts for tobaccy agin dead men, which
everybody knowed was the roomiest thing in all creation ;
and what did you what could you want more than that ? '
1 Nothing, of course nothing/ said Mr. Chilli wun, with
consentient and profound sagacity.
* Well, then, look here copper bottom.'
* That's a great point/ put in Mr. Chilliwun again, attempt-
ing to look knowing, and having some vague, misty notion
that that was a necessary advantage.
' I she'd rather think so. Why, she was all copper ; she
had too much copper on her bottom, afore that lot was took
off and worked up into coal-scuttles for the mounted marines'
mess aboard of the Baltic fleet; so that was all right; and you
couldn't want more than that, could you ? And then, only
196 NEWTON DOGVANE
look at them spars of Eiga pine. What did you see in that
stick, now ? Hadn't they had to wait for three cargoes to pick
the primest one of all the lot from, and was there e'er a yacht
in the sarvis as had such a stick ? And what did you say to
that ? And look here ! Cap'n's cabin, saloon, berths, washing
apparatus, patent, d'ye see? all patent mark that! Steward's
room, crockery- shelves for heavy weather patent swing
lamps, ball-and-socket jint, and no mistake all right and
first rate. Galley there you are now ! Room ! Look at that.
Chain cable, bang up, first chop, Ai. Material patent,
likewise, by Swain and Snap, of Poplar three hundred
fathom, in case you should be took short and brought up all
standin' in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. What did you
want more than that 1 And as for sails ' kicking off the
hutch 'look at that that top 'un's the jib. Ah ! that's a
spanker, that is,' said Bolt and Teak, after a moment's reflec-
tion, during which he was considering whether it wouldn't be
advisable to stick another fifty on the price, on his own private
account. Having settled this in the affirmative, he gave
utterance to, ' Ah ! that's a spanker,' in praise of, and refer-
ence to, the jib. Mr. Chilliwun had been handling a piece
of tolerably well-worn canvas, having lugged it up towards
him by an eye, and misunderstood the application of Bolt and
Teak's words, and having somewhere heard of some sail called
a spanker, slowly replied ' Oh ! that's he?' spanker, is it ? And
a very fine sail it is.' He said this with a nod of appre-
ciation to every word. Now, seeing that he could not pos-
sibly see anything of the sail in question beyond a huge roll of
canvas tied up like a string of sausages, it was a desperate and
hazardous assertion merely for the sake of appearing knowing.
* Ah ! ' said Bolt and Teak, { so you do know a spanker
when you sees one. Bat me, but you're a dark 'un and a deep
*un, you are. Who the deuce'd a thought you'd know'd so
much about it ? ' and drawing Mr. Chilliwun on one side, he
said, 'Come, now it ain't no use your bamming of me,
Cap'n you're in the navy, you air. That's what you air ;
and where was your last command ? come, now.'
Mr. Chilliwun protested * Ah ! stuff he knew he wasn't
in the navy come, you know.'
' What's the use o' tellin' of me that ? D'ye think I'm a
horse ? Is a man agoin' to tell a spanker when he sees it in
the sail-room and all that, and then say he ain't been in the
MR. CHILLIWUN IS BENT ON YACHTING 197
navy? It won't do you may pitch me any gammon you
choose, Cap'n, but, mind, I've got such a thing as a navy-list
at home. I knows, you know.'
Mr. Chilliwun still protested that 'you know he might
know a thing or two, you know.'
' Thing or two,' quoth Bolt and Teak, in apparent dudgeon.
* Why, you knows everythink, you do. Look at them remarks
o' yourn on copper bottoms jest now. You're puttin' the
leak into me tidyish, I don't think.'
Gross as all this was, it was milk and honey to Mr. Chilli-
wun, and he sucked it in as a babe does pap, and it is almost
needless to say that the charge of being in the navy bought or
sold the Gleam and Mr. Chilliwun also at the same time.
They rejoined Newton hastily, because Newton had walked
forward and was looking over the bow, and Bolt and Teak's
eye was on him he mistrusted Newton a little, simply
because he did not talk much. Mr. Chilliwun talked, and
consequently became the prey of Bolt and Teak without an
effort Newton had not yet shown his colours. Moreover, in
her last cruise, the Gleam had sprung her bowsprit badly.
Not that Newton would have noticed it, if she hadn't any
bowsprit at all. Bolt and Teak easily drew him away from
the bow, and seeing by his eye that he had not detected the
spring, and arguing therefrom that he wasn't likely to detect
anything, he breathed again.
'Well, now, we haven't said anything about price, Mr.
Teak,' said Mr. Chilliwun ; ' and though I'm disposed to be
liberal, mind, don't you open your mouth too wide.'
'As if I should ask you too much, Cap'n. Why, Lord,
you'd twig it, you would, and 'ave it off in a moment. No,
no ; I knows who I deals with. No ; look here, the howner o'
this 'ere craft left it to me to fix the price. He won't be
best satisfied unless he gets a clean thousand for her, and I
might ask a thousand of some folks, still I shouldn't think of
asking you more than nine-fifty. I know it wouldn't do, ye
see ; you'd know it was fifty too much.'
' I should say a hundred too much,' said Newton, speaking
out for the first time.
It is very odd the anxiety which every one present invari-
ably has to have something to say on a deal. If Newton
had said five hundred too much, he wouldn't have been very
wide of the right mark.
198 NEWTON DOGVANE
1 Oh ! should you ? ' said Bolt and Teak, drily, and shooting
a sly glance of venom at the officious friend. * That's nothin'
to do with me ; excuse me, sir, for speakin' out for, mind, I
ain't sellin' my own property, and my duty to my employers
demands me to ask a FAIR price. I have asked and I can say
no more, no less than nine-fifty. Yachts is scarce, very scarce
just now. There was lots of three hundred tonners for sale.
He'd rather sell 'em one of them he'd half a dozen on hand,
if they'd look at them. But twenties and thirties, partic'lar,
five-and-twenties. Ah ! should he tell them how many gents
and lords had looked at this very five-and-twenty they stood
upon ? Ah ! they needn't buy her no but she wouldn't
be on his hands not three days nor two days. There now
see that gent just gone into my office?' and he pointed towards
the door, which a person was actually at that moment entering.
'Now, sir, that gent has actooally come about this werry
yacht, and I must go to him directly. Is it to be nine-fifty ?
Yes or no ?'
An animated discussion here took place. Mr. Chilliwun,
who was still anxious to display his preternatural keenness,
suggested nine-twenty, and then nine-twenty-five.
' Now I tell you what,' said Bolt and Teak, * you shall come
along of me and see that gent ; he offered me it's as true
as ' and sundry tolerably stiff oaths backed the forthcoming
lie ' he offered me nine-forty-five for her yesterday, and him
and me only parted over the fiver. Come along of me, and see
if you don't believe me ; and seeing, you'll allow, is believinV
Accordingly they went on shore.
The gentleman was merely a city connection of Bolt and
Teak's, a swellish-looking youth enough, who had called on
a little matter of business ; and a skilful wink, with a leading
suggestion and question or two, soon made him acquainted
with the part he was to play ; and between them our friends
were soon brought to agree to the ' nine-fifty ' without dimi-
nution. A mem. was at once drawn up, a hundred pounds
deposit extracted by Bolt and Teak, and the purchase was
made and ratified.
'Next thing, you'll be wanting a cap'n and a crew
o' course.'
' Why, yes ; I must have one, I suppose,' said Mr. Chilli-
wun, doubtingly.
1 Quite unpossible to do without, as I can see. I ain't heerd
MR. CHILLI WUN IS BENT ON YACHTING 199
o' no patent to do without them, though there is patents
for all sorts o' things now-a-days. Have you e'er a one in
your eye ? '
'Why, no no, not exactly.'
* Not ezactly ! Then what do you purpose to do, if I might
make so bold, Cap'n? I knows of a good 'un ; first-rate
article ken 'andle a yacht like a 'umming-top, and no mis-
take ; and as for testymonials my eye ! lords and gents,
no end, a good score on J em, he's got. But there you'd
better see him yourself. He sailed the Iplmgine and Cap'n
Clarkson's yacht, and was mate aboard the commodore's own
craft, and, Lord, I can't tell you half. Steady as a pump-
bolt ; sober and honest as one o'clock ; and as for a sailor !
why, he's won more matches than all the other cap'ns put to-
gether. He ain't likely to be idle long. Indeed, I know he's
in treaties ; still, a little better hoffer, ye know, might decide
him to close with you. Of course it's nothin' to me ; he's no
particular friend of mine, and I don't get nothin' by it, not
a scuddick, you'll understand how can I ? '
The villain * How could he ? ' Mr. Chilliwun had pretty
good reason to know how he could and did. Suffice it to say
that such a treasure, of course, was worth seeing; and they saw
Captain Rigdum, and not only saw him, but believed in him,
for he was as plausible a scoundrel as ever robbed a till or a
locker without being sent to Newgate for it. Of course his
testimonials were humbugs. He had sailed one or two yachts,
and the testimonials of their owners, if he had taken them,
would hardly have got him another command. Of course
Captain Rigdum (a discharged mate from the merchant ser-
vice, with a glaze of acquired manners over him, like the glaze
on a bad ham, used to conceal its objectionable qualities) was
engaged at his own price, and received orders to collect a crew
of seven men, two boys, a steward, and a cook, all of whom
he declared he knew where to lay his hands on, all of whom
were first-rate A. B.'s. and A I's, and none of whom would
engage with any one else until they heard from him.
The newly appointed captain then walked over the yacht,
and said
' There'd be a little job or two for the riggers, painters, and
sailmakers nothing of any consequence, only it had better
be done before they went to sea, and a fortnight or three
weeks would be enough.'
200 NE WTON DOGVANE
Mr. Chilliwun looked rather blank at this.
* He couldn't well spare any time out of his three months ;
he a a in fact, he understood she was quite ready for
sea.'
* Well, you see, sir so she is, so far ; but there's always a
something to be done. It may be done, though let me see,
in eight or nine days. Ye see, paint must dry, and then
there's But there ! two or three extra hands could be put
on half a dozen, if necessary and they'd soon knock it off
and lick her into shape. Yes, then say nine days ; and I'll
go ashore and see about it at once. And I'll call at your
hotel with our little agreement to-morrow, my Lord, with
your permission. I think you said Mivart's. No ? Oh, I
beg your pardon. Oh, indeed, this is the address. Tha-a-nk
you. Good-day, my Lord good-day, sir.' And touching
his hat respectfully, they parted.
* I don't like that fellow a bit, Chilli,' said our hero ; ' he's
too polite altogether.'
* Now that's just what I like. It shows a a proper sort
of deference, you know, to his a commander. Oh ! I like
him immensely, and we shall get on splendidly together I
can see that.'
* Humph ! ' answered Newton.
But what were the two scoundrels talking about ?
1 1 say, Kig, what d'ye think of that ? '
' It's our own fault, Bobby, if we don't feather our nests
nicely out of it. Yah ! it's sickening to have to do with such
a flat where you have it all your own way. There isn't a bit
of credit in it, is there ? '
1 Never mind that ; there's plenty of profit.'
' Well, there ought to be. Now, then, send some fellows
aboard to stick on some paint and tar, and if there's anything
worth a rap on board her, have it out of her, and send in
something else. I don't mean going to sea, I can tell you,
and a little tar and paint hides a multitude of defects. Come
aboard with me, and let's see if there is anything in the shape
of booty.'
It must be confessed that Mr. Chilliwun's case looked
hopeful, and that his lamented aunt's bequest stood every
chance of being considerably reduced during the next three
months."
A SPLIT IN THE ESTABLISHMENT 201
CHAPTER XXI.
A SPLIT IN THE ESTABLISHMENT
THE Hon. and Rev. Cyril Courtenay was undeniably making
progress in the neighbourhood of Crookham, What a dear,
good creature he was ! Correctly cut, curled, and trimmed,
with a slight line of silver here and there amongst his well-
oiled locks, which gave a staid appearance to him, causing the
tender and very soft sex to place that daughterly sort of con-
fidence in him, which they did all the more because there was
the attraction of there being some little half- whispered, un-
known scandal afoot about him. "No one knew exactly what it
was, though his admirers pitied him, and said he was quite
reformed, and a man might be a little fast at college and
make none the worse clergyman for that; as it were, he
was living it down, see how sorry and humble he was, with
that alternately downcast and upcast heavenly look, and that
would-be saintly smile !
The unbelieving and shrewd observer likened him to a
sacerdotal cat, in whose mouth no butter would have melted.
Purr how he crept along! half stealthily, half proudly, with
claws and fangs hidden under sleek fur and well-oiled whiskers.
How he improved the aspect of his church with body-colour
pictures of disjointed saints, with their impossible hands,
dislocated fingers, and wry necks ! What gorgeous draperies
and naperies, constructed under the nimble and deft fingers
of his young lady believers (of whom he had a regular train)
decorated his services ! What wreaths of flowers abounded, .
what painted waxlights, what gorgeous church millinery, and
what imposing music ! What wonder that persons used to the
good old droning, wearisome service of their youth opened
their eyes, and even were attracted, if only to listen, to this
modern innovation.
Mr. Sharp was perplexed with regard to the Reverend
Courtenay very much perplexed indeed ; he pondered long
and deeply over him. ' Which was it he meant to have ? the
Baroness or her sister ? ' He, Tom Sharp, couldn't make out.
He evidently bestowed a great deal of his confidence and a
202 NEWTON DOGVANE
fair share of his time upon both, and they did his schools and
charities, decorated his church, sang in his choir, and worked
endless bands, slippers, and cushions for him in return. They
smirked or looked saintly when he approached, or looked
at, or spoke to them, according as he gave them the cue
heavenly sisters ! and quarrelled furiously about him when
they were alone. Dear creatures ! how they did hate one
another over him ! They would have scratched each other's
eyes out, or disfigured each other's faces in any other way,
with excessive unction, if either could have gone to a prayer-
meeting with the Honourable and Reverend Bone-of-conten-
tion alone immediately afterwards. But then there were
other girls plenty of them, too doing the same thing;
sighing at him as he passed them, or sat with them, or left
them alone ; making saintly eyes and faces at him, with the
assumed demureness of sham Christian charity and love.
Bah ! how the pretty little lambs ran after their shepherd,
out of the great love they bore to Mm, not his office ! how
they got up a look, and a shawl, or a bonnet, and made
audible responses right under the pulpit, to attract his eye !
and how good they were and looked, when they did attract
it ! Young ladies who reacl this, should you feel the charge
come home, if you will desire to have a clergyman for a hus-
band, divest the man from the office remember you don't
marry religion. And don't conceive it necessary, in order to
gain a man, to assume forms and looks of religion if it exist
not in your hearts ; for assuredly, when the purpose and end
of such a course is taken into consideration, such hypocrisy
shall be laid heavily to your charge.
Mr. Sharp, who had got himself made into a sort of
reader, a lay something or other that had to do with the
Establishment, meantime dogged the Rev. Lady-Idol about,
like a sort of religious sheriff's officer, with an expanse of
twilled silk covering his breast and stomach, and displaying
no mode of fastening that could be seen, and which seemed
to say, ' I, my brethren, am but a humble waistcoat. True,
true, T am of the best twilled silk, and I cost much money ;
still I know my place. I am humble and plain no vain or
gorgeous cutting or trimming for me straight, pious, and
well-fitting is all I could desire, and, in one so humble, but-
tons are but presumption. Oh, my friends, look on me and
regard me, glossy with new piety, ever renewed. I repose
A SPLIT IN THE ESTABLISHMENT . 203
on the bosom of a master who is like unto me. Respect us
believe in us give us your confidence and eke your money.'
We don't mean to say that Tom Sharp's waistcoat said all
this. If it did, it would indeed have been a very marvellous
waistcoat, and worthy the notice of Madame Tussaud herself.
It looked it, however it looked it ; and if Shakespeare read
sermons in stones,' the contemplative man of the present
day may read a sermon on humility, or the pride that apes
it, in each of the stony-looking waistcoats of the saintly of
the age. The truth is, those waistcoats are mere advertise-
ments paying no duty every one of the wearers being his
own newspaper.
But it must not be supposed that the Honourable and
Reverend had it all his own, way. No ; there was a Low Church
party who scouted and repudiated these things, and the
neighbourhood was torn with dissension ; and, wonder of
wonders, Squire Driffield was the opponent of the Honour-
able and Reverend Cyr.il.
Now, the causes of this were as follows. The former
clergyman had been rather a bit of a sporting clergyman
nay, one might say, even a poaching clergyman, and worse
than this, a boon companion and pot-lover under the rose.
Consequently, he had been somewhat friendly with the Squire.
They shot together, and dealt together, and, it was whispered,
sometimes poached a little and drank a little together, and
perhaps a good deal together would be truer ; and when he
retired from his post, in a fit of apoplexy I think it was
called, and the Honourable and Reverend got the appointment,
the Squire, finding he was of a very different sort, and, as
he expressed it, ' not one of his kidney,' immediately took to
hating the Honourable and Reverend Cyril fervently, and
got himself appointed churchwarden for the express pur-
pose of annoying him in every way in his power. Unfor-
tunately, the course pursued by the Honourable and Reverend
Cyril rendered this a very easy matter, and the Squire (as
irreligious and immoral a man of his class as the parish could
produce) became at a spring the organ and mouthpiece of a
very Low Church party. And High Church and Low Church
raged warmly, to the edification of the small section of Chris-
tendom in the neighbourhood of Crookham. Sir John Yasey
and the Bowers of course held themselves aloof from both
parties, and felt considerably scandalised at their doings ; and
204 NEWTON DOGVANE
Uncle Crabb looked on cynically enough at the disgraceful
struggle.
Tom Sharp and his sisters of course conducted themselves
like so many indignant and explosive peas on a priestly
griddle ; they roamed up and down, grabbing proselytes to
the fiower-and-flummery cause incessantly, and finally, under
their management, a religious establishment was got up, com-
prised of visiting sisters, and brothers, and fathers, for the
conversion of anybody who chose to be converted to something
or other which embodied the above ceremonies, with the neces-
sity of wearing queer costumes and being called brother, or
father, or sister this, that, or t'other, and a general interference
in everybody's business, under a pretence of religious neces-
sity and conversion, and a general bullying and backbiting
of those who declined their ministration, and heaven, or rather
the other place, only knows what besides. On the other hand,
the Squire's party were equally reprehensive in their doings,
and the lies, scandal, vilification, and. evil feeling which rode
rampant in that peaceful little spot were astounding. First,
the Vicar stuck up things in the church, and then the
Squire pulled them down ; then there was a row in the church
find a scuffle, and a struggle, and Tom Sharp had his enthu-
siasm checked by a heavy blow on the nose from the Squire's
fist, for which the Squire paid $ with the greatest pleasure
in life, and announced to Mr. Sharp on that occasion his
intention of having another $ worth as speedily as possible ;
and as he considered there was a bit of a balance owing to
him, he'd try if he couldn't make it up at the next meeting ;
whereupon the Squire was held to bail in certain sums, &c.,
and to keep the peace towards Thomas Sharp. Then the Squire
and the Parson went to law, and got injunctions, and then
got them set aside, and the whole thing became exciting and
amusing to ordinary minds, but a scandal to humble-minded
Christians, and a laughing-stock and sneer to infidels and
heathens, and to this state came the quiet neighbourhood
of Crookham.
As we have said, the Bowers and Sir John Vasey held
themselves aloof from it, and they, unfortunately, were the
only families who did so. Several attempts were made to
shako their neutrality unavailingly. The cool, clear-sighted,
and firm nature of Sir John Vasey, who, by a few judicious
words, completely disarmed and confused his visitors, showed
A SPLIT IN THE ESTABLISHMENT 205
them it was hopeless to appeal to him. While the peppery
qualities of Uncle Crabb, who insisted upon being spokesman
in this matter (an office which being necessarily an unpleasant
one enough, no one else felt inclined to dispute with him),
rendered the task of argumentation, on the part of any
emissary, one not very remotely associated with ideas of
broken bones. Still, however, although failing with the men-
folk at the Bowers's, the Hon. and Rev. Cyril, through his
toadies, the Sharps, did not altogether give up in despair
the attempt to enlist the ladies upon his side. Charlotte's
temper and teachings foiled all their attempts, but Bessie's
nature was more facile, and more easily acted upon.
Bessie's entire innocence, and her perfect reverence for the
Church, its ministers, and their office, rather laid her open
to be acted upon by the influences brought to bear her
adherence to supposed good works, for ostensibly worthy and
religious objects, was, therefore, hearty and truthful, and she
visited a little, and did a little in the needlework way, too ;
though she did not object to the music, she thought the
flowers, saints, &c., a little unnecessary; yet, if the Rev.
Cyril liked to have them, she couldn't see any great harm in
them ; no doubt he was a very good man, at least she hoped
and thought he was, simply because she could not conceive
a man bad enough to remain in his situation, and still be
bad whilst acting as he did.
About this time a distant relative died, and left a small
property, some ^8000 or ^9000, to be divided between
Charlotte and Bessie; and from this time the Hon. and
Rev. Cyril included Bessie in his attentions not that he
had entirely omitted her before, only his antipathy to Uncle
Crabb required some strong incentive to get over (could the
legacy have been that incentive ?) and these attentions were
such as no one could well take umbrage at or lay hold of,
without to a certain extent compromising Bessie's name ; and
Mr. Newton Dogvane daily found himself losing that respect
for the cloth which all decent, well-regulated persons are
supposed to cherish as, no doubt, they ought to do.
One day Newton was sitting on the lawn with the sisters
and Ned ; Uncle Crabb was sitting a little apart, reading
the paper, when Tom Sharp called, with his sisters, her lady-
ship and the Baroness now no longer, they having renounced
those titles to be called Sister Agatha and Sister Agnese.
206 NEWTON DOGVANE
Their costume was very strict black crape, white muslin,
and red noses. They had come to ask Charlotte and Bessie
to take a part in some forthcoming ceremonial. They were
always getting up some divine comedy or another.
* Only think, dear, of the joy of heading a procession of
heavenly minded maidens, on such an errand of joy and
gladness,' quoth Sister Agnese.
' Bosh,' quoth Uncle Crabb, from behind his paper.
* Dressed in the purest and chastest white cambric,' said
Sister Agatha.
* Humbug,' said Uncle Crabb, spitefully.
* At twelve and sixpence a yard,' put in Tom Sharp, who
had made a feeble attempt to be called Father something or
other, only he had always been known as Tom Sharp, and no
one realised it.
* Twelve and six, Sister Charlotte, only think of that ! '
and Thomas opened his little round eyes as if he wished her
to open hers correspondingly, so as to take in that little fact
in all its dimensions.
* Twaddle,' growled Uncle Crabb.
* Well, I don't know, but I should think it very dear, and
a great waste of money. But what makes you call me Sister
Charlotte?'
* Oh, waste of money, dear ! ' said both the dear creatures
at once, blinking the latter part of the question as neatly
and perfectly as could have done the veriest and most prac-
tised casuist. ' As if money could be wasted in such a
cause ! What do you think, Sister Bessie ? '
Sister Bessie didn't know what to think, except that it
would be a pretty sight, she dared say. But for her own
part
* Wages won't stand it, nor pocket-money either, will
they, Bess ? ' said Ned, tilting up his chair and lighting a
cigar.
Newton was fuming and fussing about. He detested the
Sharps, Cyril Courtenay, and the whole affair cordially, and
never lost an opportunity of giving them a sly dig or a
show up before Bessie, particularly if he could do so without
touching her over-sensitiveness too rudely. Newton was a
constant visitor at the Bowers's, and evidently his attentions
were not entirely distasteful to Miss Bessie ; and now and
then he thought to himself that he was making a little pro-
A SPLIT IN THE ESTABLISHMENT 207
gress. Then again some apparent fit of reserve on Bessie's
part threw him entirely back once more, and made him
fancy that she looked upon him only as a stranger ; and thus
Newton, as is the wont of all young gentlemen when over-
taken by the inevitable passion in real, good, downright
earnest, became a sort of self-tormentor, and kept himself in
a perpetual fever of alternate delight or despondence. Well,
well ! it's what we must all come to, sooner or later. But
to return. Newton, of course, dreaded any new influence
upon Bessie's mind. He saw that the Rev. Cyril was exer-
cising an uncommon influence on the minds of many young
ladies, and he didn't half like the idea of his including Bessie
in his flock.
* Hem ! where is the procession to go to, Miss Sharp ? '
asked Newton.
* Oh, to the holy well of Saint Winnegunda.'
* That we may lave our hands in that sacred water, and
bring therefrom a supply to replenish the font in our church
it being considered necessary for the purity thereof that
it should be conveyed from the well to the vessel in the palm
or hollow of one or more maidens' hands,' answered Sister
Agatha, in a would-be deep, serious, sepulchral voice. * Am
I right, sister ? ' turning to her sister.
'So says the chronicle, which our good Father Cyrilius
has purported to have discovered,' answered in a like voice
the good Sister Agnese. What a couple of puzzle-headed
humbugs they were !
'Dear me,' said Newton, almost unable to suppress a
laugh. ' Yes, very imposing, indeed. I think, Miss Bessie,
you would look remarkably well, dipping up that dirty water
in a cambric suit. And after that, Miss Sharp ? '
* Then, sir, we march back to the church again/ answered,
curtly, Sister Agatha, who detected a dim attempt at poking
fun at her on the part of Newton. ' And there you will be
received by '
' By our excellent Father Cyrilius.'
' And receive the kiss of peace, of course ? '
'And receive the salutation of peace,' said Sister Agatha ;
then the sisters coughed, and tried to turn the conversa-
tion. Bessie coloured up, and began to look annoyed. But
Newton went on
' But although, as you know, Miss Sharp, I don't pretend to
208 NEWTON DOGVANE
understand precisely the peculiar tenets you advocate, not being
so learned in these matters as you appear to be, I can't help
seeing the unfortunate ill-feeling in this neighbourhood. It
does seem to me that everybody ought to be friendly and at
peace. Now, oughtn't they ? ' asked Newton, in a persuasive
tone.
' Certainly they ought, indeed,' said Sister Agatha, some-
what mollified at the tone, and the compliment to herself;
and not dreaming of what her concession was leading her
to. ' Certainly they ought, indeed, and if they
' Yes, just so,' said Newton ; * old and young, of course.'
The latter part of the sentence was uttered half carelessly,
and Sister Agatha, anxious to get on to her exposition of
how peace could be preserved by everybody knocking under
to that Father and premature Saint Cyrilius agreed,
hastily jumping into the snare set for her, like a robin after
crumbs in a brick-trap.
' Old and young undoubtedly,' she conceded, ' and if
Flop the tile fell, and Sister Agatha was a robin amongst
bricks.
' And yet,' said Newton, cutting her exposition short again,
and not giving her a moment * and yet, although the old, as
you very properly say, require peace as much, and perhaps more
than the young, I have noticed, and, I dare say, you have
noticed the same thing that Saint Cyrilius never tries the
efficacy of that salutation of his on the old as well as the young.'
' Sir ! ' said Sister Agatha, aghast.
* Well, but he doesn't ; now, does he ? and surely if the old
require it, it's very unfair that he shouldn't. Now, there's old
Mrs. Chopper ' (the most quarrelsome old lady in the parish,
who had only two fangs for front teeth, who was rather dirty
in appearance, and who took snuff, besides possessing a pro-
mising moustache) 'There's old Mrs. Chopper,' continued
Newton ; ' if ever a lady required to be soothed into a state of
peace, she does. Couldn't you include her in the procession ?
No doubt she'd become white cambric, and I'm sure she would
undergo the salutation in a creditable manner.'
The vision of fat old Mrs. Chopper in white cambric, and the
idea of her undergoing the salutation of peace, and, still more,
of Saint Cyrilius undergoing it, was so utterly absurd and ludi-
crous, that Uncle Crabb, Ned, and Charlotte were suddenly
seized with a violent fit of laughter. Even Bessie, in spite of
A SPLIT IN THE ESTABLISHMENT 209
all her efforts, lips-biting, &c., could not refrain from a smile,
and finally was obliged to put up her handkerchief to her face
and turn her head away. The Sharps rose simultaneously,
and, with a dignified ' good afternoon ' to all, swept from the
lawn in bursting indignation.
It is, perhaps, needless to say that Bessie did not go to the
ceremony.
'I say, Ned/ said Newton, as they were walking up and
down the lawn half an hour after this, ' I've thought of some-
thing such a bit of fun. By Jove, we'll do it, too ; ' and
Newton reflected a moment, laughed heartily to himself, and
then propounded the fun.
' I say, old fellow, there's all that lot of spoons going to
that dirty old Winnegunda's Well next week'
'Well I 1
< Well ! Ha ! ha ! I can't help laughing. Now, we'll get
half-a-crown's worth of caustic, pop it into the well the night
before, or early the same morning, and make niggers of the
whole lot of them.'
* Ha ! ha ! ha ! Glorious. Ha ! ha ! ha ! '
'Ho! ho! ho!'
c Ha ! ha ! ha ! ' and the pair laughed at each other, the
wicked scamps, until the tears ran down their faces. l Fancy
Saint Cyrilius and Father Thomas a brace of Sambos, with
a retinue of Miss Dinahs. Ha ! ha ! what a joke ! '
* Oh, we'll do it, never fear ; I'll get the caustic from town.
But not a word now. There's Bess looking out of window at
us ; she'll know we're up to some mischief.'
The wicked trick was played with perfect secrecy and woe-
ful effect. Six young ladies, in becoming white robes, fetched
the dirty water from the sacred well, and having dabbled in it
to their hearts' content, brought it to the Eev. Cyril, who also
dabbled in it, and played tricks with it, and two hours later
the six young ladies and the six white dresses, and the Kev.
Cyril included, were smeared and gammed over with burnt
sienna and purple streaks and crosses, and the Rev. Cyril, to
his horror, found his ivory digits darkening darkening
darkening from ochre to walnut-stain, from walnut-stain to
purple-black. Dreadful ! loud were the lamentations and
tremendous the amaze. What was it ? What could it be ?
Had they the cholera without knowing it ? No. What was
it ? It was confined to the procession and those who had to
210 NEWTON DOGVANE
do with the water. "Was Saint Winnegunda wroth with her
votaries? Was the water noxious poisoned? Horrible
thought ! or what ? At length a neighbouring chemist pro-
nounced the words 'nitrate of silver.' But how? where?
which way ? who ? They rushed to the well, which was in a
secluded place amongst trees and ruins. Somehow, to their
increased amaze, it was empty, though the drops were trick-
ling, drop by drop, from the rock above, with a determination
of replenishing it eventually. Hum ! ha ! ahem ! It was
very mysterious. There were several native Burleighs who
shook their heads, but could make no more of it. Their only
consolation lay in the chemist.
Shrieks from all the very Low Church party, and coarse
cachinnation from the Squire.
CHAPTEE XXII.
ORNITHORYNCI
THE Gleam was reported ready for sea. Mr. Chilliwun had
visited her once or twice during the period of her refitting,
and there certainly seemed to be a good deal of work doing
at least there appeared to be a great many strange people
about. But she was ready at last, and previous to her drop-
ping down the river, Mr. Chilliwun, accompanied by Carys-
ford, had gone on board to give orders, and to express appro-
bation of the arrangements, &c.
Captain Rigdum certainly had made her respectable ; and
Carysford, who had busied himself a little in the matter,
approved of his doings vastly.
Very spruce and very trim she looked, and her crew in
neat white, trimmed with blue, and straw hats with the word
' Gleam ' in gilt letters on broad black ribbon, looked all that
could be desired.
* Well then, Captain Eigdum,' said Mr. Chilliwun, as they
descended to the cabin. ' Ah you'd better, you know, hoist
sail ' (Mr. Chilliwun had been studying naval novels and sea-
phrases) ' hoist sail and get under weigh, and go down the
ORNITHORYNCI 211
river. Eh ! that is, don't you think so ? ' he appealed to
Carysford.
'Drop down to Gravesend to-night, and we'll join you
to-morrow morning,' said Carysford.
* Certainly, sir,' said Captain Rigdum, turning from
Chilliwun to his friend, as if he was the only person entitled
to give orders.
' Person wishes to see you, sir/ said Bill, the cabin-boy,
putting his head in.
Captain Eigdum made his exit; as he brushed by the
person a business-like looking party a scarcely percep-
tible wink passed between them.
* See me ? Show him in, Bill,' said Mr. Chilliwun, and the
business-like looking man entered, bowed, drew forth a large
pocket-book, and selected an ominous-looking document.
< Mr. Chilliwun, I believe.'
Mr. Chilliwun bowed.
* Our little account, sir.'
* Chop and Deakle, riggers and ship-painters hem ! ' said
Mr. Chilliwun, opening the account and looking slowly down
it until he came to the total.
1 Good gracious ! ninety-seven pounds nineteen and tup-
pence ! ' he exclaimed, in amazement. * Eh ! why ay !
that's eh ! rather don't you think that's hem ! stiffish ? '
and he appealed to Carysford.
' Indeed ? ' said the representative of Chop and Deakle.
' Really, ha ! ahem ! we are not in the habit of having our
accounts questioned by the noblemen and gentlemen hah ! '
(emphasis on gentlemen) 'who favour us. You'll observe, sir,
that there is a new backstay, new mainhalyard, new top-
ping-lifts. A great deal of new serving, the old being much
chafed. Indeed, there has been a good deal of work to do.
We think the account extremely moderate.'
' But ah ! who ordered it all ? '
' I believe your captain ordered it, sir.'
'Eh !' said Mr. Chilliwun, looking towards Carysford again.
' Oh, I dare say it's all right,' said Carysford, carelessly,
putting his leg up on the settee, and brushing a fly off his
trousers ; I ah never bother about bills myself.'
This was strictly true ; he did not, invariably putting them
behind the fire when presented. Under these circumstances
Mr. Chilliwun slowly pulled out his cheque-book, and wrote
212 NEWTON DOGVANB
a cheque for the amount, which he handed to Chop and
Deakle's representative, who placed it in the big pocket-book,
replaced the book, bowed once more, saying ' how 'appy they
should be to undertake any further horders,' and then he
bowed himself out.
' Person wishes to see you, sir/ said Bill, in the same tone
and manner as before.
1 Eh !' said Mr. Chilliwun; show the party in, Bill.'
Entered another business-looking man, who pulled forth
another large black pocket-book, selected another ominous-
looking doc., and presented as before.
* Shool and Pack's little account.'
' Ship-carpenters, eh ? ' said Mr, Chilliwun. * Well, I
never! seventy-nine pounds ten and elevenpence.'
The former scene repeated, and Mr. Chilliwun finally drew
another cheque, and Shool and Pack's representative bowed
himself out.
' Well, that's all settled, thanks be, and now we'll have a
quiet bottle of hock,' said Mr. Chilliwun, with a sigh of relief.
* Person wishes to see you, sir,' said Bill, as before.
' Eh ! what ! confound it ! '
But a third business-like man was shown in, who did just
as the others had done, and who appeared to be Piggle and
Whelk's (chain-makers) representative, and he wanted 'a little
matter, only thirty-seven pounds fourteen and thrippence.'
' But what for ? ' asked the helpless Mr. Chilliwun.
* The items are there, sir. '
* Oh, mending chain cable, supplying ninety-seven new
links, new ring-bolts stanchions new oh, confound it, you
know ! but the chain cable was a new one.'
* Might have been once, sir,' quoth Piggle and Whelk's
representative, with a supercilious smile.
* No, sir, new oh, new ' and Mr. Chilliwun taxed his
memory for the date of its newness, but Bolt and Teak had
not supplied him with that exactly, so he finished with
' new the other day.'
* Indeed, sir ! Very bad stuff then ; we found it necessary
to supply according to items,' said Piggle and Whelk's repre-
sentative, loftily, and in the end Mr. Chilliwun drew another
cheque, and Piggle and Whelk's man bowed /imself out
* And now we'll have a quiet bottle of hock, for I suppose
there's an end of them.'
ORNITHORYNCI 213
But once more Bill's head intruded ominously, and another
person, who proved to be Cagfoot and Pottleduck's (spar-
makers) man, who wanted eighty-five pounds nine and
sevenpence for a new bowsprit, and a new gaff, new oars
for gig, &c. And then came the boat-builder's man, and
next Eyelet and Sawkin's, the sailmakers, man, and Mr.
Chilliwun grew angry exceedingly, and then faint, but he
drew cheques notwithstanding.
' Now they're all gone, and we'll have a quiet bot '
But no the carvers and gilders' man came in, and was
succeeded by various provision merchants ; and Mr. Chilli-
wun got violently excited, and began to lose his identity in
a fit of wrath very unusual to him ; and when Bill, for about
the thirteenth time, made his appearance to announce the
wine-merchant's collector, his noble master boiled over, and
flew at him with such unmistakable intentions, that Bill
made a precipitate retreat, and left Mr. Chilliwun panting,
while Carysford with his leg still up, having fixed his eye-
glass in his eye satisfactorily, regarded him with a smile of
amusement and contempt combined.
' Bravo, Chilli ! that's the way to serve the blackguards ;
but don't be excited.'
4 Won't I, though 1 ' said Mr. Chilliwun, now fairly roused,
and rather encouraged by the little bit of applause. ' Won't
I, though ? I'll show the blackguards. Tell him to go to
to to blazes,' said Mr. Chilliwun in a loud voice, shouting
up the hatchway ; * I won't pay him a fraction ; ' and Mr.
Chilliwun paused, breathless.
'Then, sir,' said Messrs. Slowberry and Pash's collector,
filling up the space above and obscuring the sky, * then, sir,
we shall have the (aspirated) honour of communicating with
you, and I may take upon myself to say that, in all my dealings
with gentlemen, sir gentlemen,' he repeated, ' I have not
been accustomed to this kind of treatment, sir, no, sir, not
accustomed to this kind of treatment, sir, and I may say '
' Leave my yacht directly, sir,' said Mr. Chilliwun, gather-
ing way.
' Leave your what, sir ? ' said Slowberry and Pash's man,
with cool impudence, turning up his nose and lip, and look-
ing about him forward and aloft, as he continued, 'You
don't call this a yacht, I she'd 'ope; h'l call it a 'ooker, with-
out even a gentleman for a howner.'
214 NEWTON DOGVANE
1 If you don't get out of my craft,' said Mr. Chilliwun,
hoarsely, and making a half-rush up the companion at him,
'I'll ' but Messrs Slowberry and Pash's collector disappeared
suddenly, having had his say, and was seen no more. The
end of this little scene was, that a gentleman of the Jewish
persuasion came on board the yacht some two or three days
afterwards, and made Mr. Chilliwun a present of a little
piece of paper, just ten inches long, by two and a half wide,
wherein Victoria greeted Mr. Chilliwun, whether he would
or no, and commanded him to appear, &c. &c., upon such and
such a date, and Mr. Chilliwun had the pleasure of paying
a very disagreeable and unthought-of extra to his wine-mer-
chant's bill.
* Well, now we'll have a quiet bottle of hock. Bill, tell
the steward to bring a cool bottle of hock here, some ice, and
a couple of tumblers.'
' Yessir.' Bill was gone some minutes, and the steward
at length appeared, but without the hock.
' I beg your pardon, sir, but I regret to say the 'ock is out.'
' Out ! why, what's become of the three-dozen hamper I
sent down the other day ? '
* Well, sir, it's impossible for me to say ; but there have
been several parties, you know, sir, on board, and between
your friends, and Captain Rigdum's friends, I suppose '
1 Captain Rigdum's friends ! but eh ! hang it ! why, I
ain't expected to treat all his friends.'
* Well, sir, when a yacht is in harbour, sir, there's always
a little more license in these matters,' said the steward, with
a supercilious smile ; ' once in blue water, sir, of course things
are different, but when a yacht is put in commission, so many
strangers come on board for the purpose of admiring her, that
you perceive, sir, we hardly know everybody, and of course
fearing to offend, we you perceive, sir ' and with a wave
of his hand, he left the rest of his sentence to Mr. Chilliwun's
imagination.
* Well,' said Mr. Chilliwun, partly mollified by the ' admir-
ing strangers,' ' well, I'll order a fresh supply, and I suppose
we must put up with claret.'
' The claret, I regret to say, is also out.'
1 The claret out too ! Why, Captain Rigdum must have had
a pretty considerable lot of friends,' said Mr. Chilliwun,
sulkily, * and I suppose you have had a friend or two, too/
ORNITHORYNCI . 215
' It is usual, sir,' said the steward, with a half-smile of pity.
* Oh, is it ? ' said Mr. Chilliwun, getting excited again.
'Now I tell you what hang me, if I don't dock it off your
wages.'
' How much would you desire to deduct from my salary,
sir ? ' asked the steward, loftily and correctingly.
1 Oh ! hanged if I know, but, hang me ! I'll dock it you
see if I don't.'
' May I be allowed to tender my resignation, sir ? This is so
very unaccustomed, I feel I should be doing myself an injustice
to stay. Captain Eigdum too than whom no one knows
better the customs of the service, sir, will feel it unaccus-
tomed, I am certain, and will tender his resignation too, and
his crew, of course are also unaccustomed to this kind of treat-
ment. I fear you may expect all their resignations, sir. It's
a sad scandal a sad scandal. A yacht just about to sail too.
You'll find it extremely difficult to get another crew, sir, and
another captain, sir. Shall I send Captain Rigdum to you ? '
All this while he kept his eye upon Mr. Chilliwun, study-
ing the effect of his words.
'No, I I, that is, I don't want Captain Rigdum.' Mr.
Chilliwun stood in far greater awe of his polite captain than
he did of his polite steward. ' I this is a deuce of a fix, old
fellow,' turning to Carysford.
The steward smiled to himself, and half withdrew from the
doorway, and looked up the companion, as if to allow time
for his words to sink into Mr. Chilliwun's mind, and also for
a short consultation with his friend.
' Yes, as you say, it's a fix,' said Carysford, carelessly ; ' but
what's the use of making a fuss about a few bottles of wine ? '
' But it's six or eight dozen.'
' Well, six or eight dozen then. I don't see that it matters
much. I'd as soon have sherry sooner.'
' But then, how can I get over it ? It'll be a deuce of a
thing.'
' Aw ! sure I don't know,' said Carysford, yawning ; ' 'pears
to me the fellow's right. It's a deuce of a scandal, you see
aw won't get another captain or crew aw, yaw ! spoil
cruise deuce of a thing. Order some more, and let's have
the sherry.'
Mr. Chilliwun was undecided as usual. At length he said,
despondingly ' And the champagne's out too, I suppose.'
216 NEWTON DOGVANB
1 Sir,' said the steward, looking in. * The champagne, sir ?
Oh, yes, sir, the champagne is out, and the Moselle also they
are both out indeed the Moselle was the first to be out, it
was much preferred, and I believe it was very good,' said the
steward, coolly.
He didn't care, he saw the battle was won. What a general
that steward was! What a diplomatist he would have made!
' The deuce it is ! ' said Mr. Chilliwun, getting half angry
again it was an expiring effort, and after a short pause he
relapsed once more.
'Well, I I don't know.' (A nod from Carysford.) 'Bring
in the sherry.'
The fight was at an end Mr. Chilliwun was conquered.
He sat down, took pen, ink, and paper, and ordered a fresh
supply of wine from a wine merchant whose address Mr.
Carysford was obliging enough to give him.
CHAPTER XXIII.
AN IMBROGLIO
THE next afternoon, Mr. Chilliwun took the rail to Grave-
send with a portion of his distinguished company, to wit,
Mrs. Spelthorne, Madame Petrovich, Mr. Carysford, and a
gentleman who was something in the diplomatic way ; his
name was Whiskeywitch, a most accomplished, polished, and
gentlemanly fellow he was generally considered ; but beyond
this, he was sharp, shrewd, and penetrating to a degree
he appeared to understand every question of the day which
became the subject of conversation in his presence. Indeed,
he seemed somehow always to lead conversation ; not that he
talked a great deal, but he had the faculty of reading his
hearers, and making them talk ; and by a judicious word or
two, which always appeared to be the very ones needed at
the moment, and just what the company were at a loss for,
he supplied ideas as it were imperceptibly ; and many a man,
who commenced a conversation entirely in opposition to
AN IMBROGLIO 217
Whiskey witch, found himself in the end of it warmly sup-
porting him. How was this ? What was the secret ? JSTo one
attributed it to any particular talent on the part of Whiskey-
witch. Of course, it couldn't be talent, because he didn't
shine much in conversation; the little he did say always seemed
reasonable and right, and what everybody fancied that they
had all along thought and said before. The fact is, it was
profound talent, cultivated to the utmost, combined with great
knowledge of the world, and those in it, added to a happy
knack of insinuating, by some invisible process, his own
thoughts into the minds of those who had none, or, if they
had, had them in such utter confusion that they were useless
for any understandable form of expression. With these it
was a species of builder's art he employed, which erected an
edifice out of prostrate heaps of mental bricks and mortar,
decayed, choked, and hidden by brambles and noxious weeds.
He was, he said, of Polish extraction, and although an admir-
able linguist, spoke at times with a slight accent that savoured
of Connemara. Who Whiskeywitch really was, where he
lived, or what he did, no one could precisely say. He appeared
tolerably well off, knew anybody and everybody, including
most distinguished foreigners who visited London during the
season. If any of them were asked who and what he was,
none appeared to know. Some had seen him at Rome, and
some had seen him at Vienna, and some at Berlin, at Paris,
or Constantinople. He always was going about the world,
apparently doing nothing in particular, and always was well
received, and in good (that is, high) society, or bad (that
is, low), whichever he chose, at whatever capital he made his
appearance.
Petrovich, as a woman, was the counterpart of what WThis-
keywitch was as a man. Who she was, where she came from
&c. &c. &c., nobody knew. She said she was the widow of
an officer at the Greek court ; she had the entree in any and
all society ; she did as she liked ; went into it or stopped out
of it, as suited her. She was beautiful, but beautiful was
hardly the word ; lovely, fascinating were those lustrous eyes,
alternately flashing fire or swimming in a subdued liquid
light. She was the Eve to Whiskeywitch's Adam. Booms
had been secured at the best hotel in the place, and as good
a dinner as the obliging landlord could put on the table at a
moderate notice was put on the table by him, and he himself,
2i8 NEWTON DOGVANE
with his very own hands, placed the principal dish upon the
table in the most gentlemanly and sedate manner ; and he
himself it was, and nobody else, who cut the string of the
first bottle of Clicquot, and everything was very toplofty on
the landlord and waiters' parts, and very easy on the part of
the guests, as there was nothing to pay for it. Mr. Chilli-
wun alone was fidgety lest anything should not be expensive
enough to convince his visitors of his grandeur, and that he
always did things in this way a point which of course he
did not quite succeed in. Who does on such occasions ? So
Mr. Chilliwun contributed his fidgets and his money to the
dinner, and his visitors contributed their conversation and
their appetites, both of which were piquant to a degree.
Dinner was over, and the dessert languished.
* By the way, Chilli, Cheatem races come off some two days
from this,' said Carysford, in course of conversation. * I've
some little interest there, and I suppose you'll run down to
Sheerness or the Nore to-morrow, for a bit of a trip. Shall
you stay there or come back ] Not that it matters much, for
one is as near as the other, and I suppose you'll have a look
at the races. There are some fellows in the th who have
been helping to get the thing up, to whom I'll introduce you,
and no doubt there'll be some fun.'
* Well ah yes ! we'll run down to Sheerness or the Nore
to-morrow, certainly, and then we we'll see,' answered Mr.
Chilliwun. f
'Be governed by circumstances, I suppose.'
Mr. Chilliwun nodded, and helped himself to clzpet.
* Think I should like a cigar and a stroll on tjie pier,' he
said, as he passed the jug.
1 I've a letter to write,' said Carysford.
* And I one to read,' said Whiskey witch.
The ladies, however, thought they should like a stroll, and
in a few minutes Mr. Chilliwun was the observed of observers,
as he took the pier with his two lovely companions, as if it
was his own private property ; and everybody else on it was
merely there on sufferance. A cigar, some ten inches long,
stuck between his lips, and he smoked largely, loftily, and
gracefully aw !
After strolling to and fro for some half an hour in desultory
talk, the early moon took the place of the waning daylight.
Mrs. Spelthorne thought it was chilly, and left them to fetch
AN IMBROGLIO 219
a shawl, and Petrovich and Chilliwun were left alone. They
sat down on one of the benches and looked at the river and
the moon. A low, droning, monosyllabic conversation ensued.
Mr. Chilliwun was getting romantic, melancholy, spooney,
after his wine. He talked nonsense, and believed it, about
the * translucent moon and the crystal river ! ' Crystal at
Gravesend ! Heaven and earth ! How far gone he must have
been. The Petrovich coached him admirably.
After a very warm profession of admiration and attachment,
&c. (in which he really was perfectly sincere), couched in the
most glowing and fanciful language he was capable of, full of
' I say's ' and ' Look here's/ she heaved a deep sigh, and leant
over to look into the water, to conceal her agitation of course
not to hide that weary, self -accusing smile of incredulity and
disgust at her part and she cared not for any one to read her
face, and Chilliwun was looking anxiously at it ; for although
he was absurd, he was honest, and hung upon her accents with
fear and hope ; and honesty was a thing she had a dread of,
and never liked meeting.
' Ah, Arthur ! ' (by the way, his name was Arthur odd we
never mentioned it before) * Arthur, had I but earlier met
one fresh, young, and true heart that could love me, one whom
I could love and trust, what a different fate had been mine ! '
Strange, she was really speaking the literal truth, and she
knew it, but she used it for purposes of deception, as an expert
tactician will sometimes beat his enemy with his own weapons,
and delight in showing that wonderful mental capability which
makes anything a weapon subservient to its need. She took
a pleasure, a wretched scientific pleasure, in rending and tor-
turing her own heart, and casting the better portions of it
from her with scorn and disbelief. Could a fiend do more ?
I have often thought that painters and writers who treat
demonological subjects entirely neglect one powerful point
of expression, that, amongst other shadows athwart the
fiendish visage, should at times flit that of intense, despairing
weariness. Such a look passed across the face of Petrovich,
as she raised it from the rail she was leaning on, when her
companion replied warmly
' But now you have found one now there is one ah, divine
angelic creechur ! who would ah ! who would jump right off
this pier-head into the water, like a dog, if you told him to
oh, now, won't you can't you accept his worship and his heart?'
220 NEWTON DOGVANE
A bad woman of less earnestness, of less intellect than
Petrovich, would have smiled, perhaps laughed, at this. But
her thorough acquaintance with base metal and her cultivated
strength at once detected the true earnest ring of the poor
little coin before her. She did not cast it from her ; indeed
she cast nothing from her which could be used. Earnestness
was rare, and could always be made available in her business.
So she picked it up, and pocketed it, as she would have done
any other useful trifle; looking, meanwhile, as if she were
almost too weary to stoop for so small a matter, but doing so
because it was a habit and an unpleasant necessity she was
obeying, which called for no effort worth interest. There
was no excitement in the matter the game was too easy and
she merely turned away, saying, 'she was tired we will
talk of this at some other time, Arthur ; ' and with a slight
empressement in the utterance of his name, which pinned the
poor fool's ' heart upon her sleeve ' to be ' pecked at ' at plea-
sure, she turned towards the hotel.
An hour afterwards she was again upon the pier : her
manner now was very different, but so was her companion.
We can overhear snatches of their conversation.
* He's a fool,' said the man, ' a mere poor everyday sharper/
' He's useful/ said the lady.
Her companion glanced inquiringly at her. She continued
' He does our little things without knowing what he is doing;
and besides, he educates La Spelthorne. Can you believe it ?
In spite of her experience, she wants hardening.'
' What ! has she feelings ? ' asked Whiskeywitch, with a
grim, half-incredulous smile.
The lady nodded.
' Then she is dangerous, and must be carefully watched.'
* I think not,' answered Petrovich ; ' the matter will resolve
itself if left alone. I bring them together. He is what you
see this companionship degrades her. She has a genuine
tendre. Ha ! ha ! or thinks she has, which is the same, for
a youth the friend of this lad's friend. It will be broken.
She will fall back on him, voilct.'
' Good ! The man knows nothing.'
* Nothing ? What if he did ? He is ours a hundred times.
Listen.' And she whispered a few sentences.
'Good, very good,' said her companion. 'Petrovich, thoa
art a jewel.'
AN IMBROGLIO 221
She continued ' Her beauty and talent are worth it, and
there is no hazard. Do you not think so ? '
'Assuredly, if it can be done with caution.'
* Leave that to me.'
' Has he ever felt the chain ? Does he know his position ? '
' Not yet. But it scarcely matters much. Is it not policy,
if he serves our purpose in the dark, to keep him so for the
present ? Why enlighten him ? '
1 No no ! He must feel that he is in our power beyond
possibility of escape. Up to a certain point give your beast
his head and his own free will. Once on his back, with the
bit in his mouth and the whip in your hands, let him feel
and know his utter subserviency. You see the creature is
mean ; but the smallest animal that creeps the earth has his
powers of mischief, and must never be overlooked ; for he may
use them from ignorance. Glance from this creature upwards,
and see the chain that is forged, depending on this miserable
link. He might, knowing no better, in a moment turn restive
and destroy it. He must not dare to turn restive, and he
shall know it to-night.'
* Ah ! thou art my master,' said Petrovich, earnestly.
* And now, have you studied further the subject we last
considered ? '
' I have. It is full of difficulty, but a bold coup will serve
us best. The head of that bureau cannot be gained as yet ;
is that not so ? '
' I fear it is. He resists at present.'
' Then we must make use of your little friend who is in the
office. It is of the last importance that we should know what
decision is to be taken with regard to Mr. Nude too. If we
know that, we can guess the rest. Now that branch of trade
goes through this office, as you know. We cannot find it out
in the usual way, because Saunders, who is the messenger,
swears that he will shoot the next man who borrows his
despatches. Those idiots at kept them too long last
time and nearly compromised him, and we have not been
able to remove him to another line yet. So that you see our
difficulty. It must be done in London. It shall be done
somehow. But oddly enough, fool as my little adorer is, he
has some vague ideas of honour as regards the office, and has
always held his tongue when I have attempted to surprise
his secrets. But I will find what we require somehow. There
222 NEWTON DOG VANE
is ample time for all precautions.' Her companion nodded
briefly in satisfaction, and they returned to the hotel
Mr. Carysford and Chilliwun were playing at ecarte, and
Mrs. Spelthorne was leaning over Mr. Chilliwun, advising
him on his play, and telegraphing his cards to Carysford, who
was sweeping up sovereigns in consequence. With a look of
disdain and a smile to Petrovich, when he saw the occupation
of the party, Whiskeywitch threw himself into an easy-chair,
and compounding for himself a cigarette of some very fragrant
tobacco, smoked slowly and thoughtfully.
Petrovich seated herself at the piano ; her hand strayed
over the chords, until she struck one to her mind, when she
improvised a theme and worked it out. The music followed
her thoughts, and partook of their sombre nature. Slowly
at first the chords rolled from her touch, till wilder and wilder
grew the strain, harmony was almost lost, now weary, hope-
less, and despairing, and now shrieking harshly with the
sharp torture of a soul in anguish. What a black retro-
spect, and what a shrinking terror of the picture that strange
music presented !
In the midst of this, the door opened softly, and Ned
entered ; his eye took in the card-playing group. Mrs. Spel-
thorne was just about to make a sign to her accomplice, when,
glancing at a mirror, she saw who it was entering the room,
and, with a face like fire, she ceased her occupation, in
consequence of which Carysford lost the game, and a large
portion of his winnings with it, and as soon as she could
compose herself in the least, she turned towards Ned, and
welcoming him with somewhat of a constrained air
'We hardly expected you,' she said.
1 Oh, I heard that a party of you were on yachting bent, and
that you had accepted Mr. Chilliwun's kind invitation, and
and were dining here to-day, and so I thought as I had also
received an invite, and as I was at Cheatem dining at the
mess, why I thought that that is, I fancied I might as well
run over this evening, instead of to-morrow morning. Are
you staying in the hotel ? '
4 Yes that is, Madame Petrovich ; I don't think you know
her oh, yes, though ; you saw her with me in the Park, yes !
Well, we sent on and took apartments over these ; we couldn't
entirely trust ourselves with harum-scarum yachtsmen/ and
she laughed.
AN IMBROGLIO 223
Not a tittle, not a look nor a glance of all this was lost
to Whiskey witch, who sat apparently engrossed with his
cigarettes and his thoughts.
* Whiskey witch my friend Bowers. Carysford you know.
And now, what will you have ? '
' Thank you ; a glass of sherry and water is all I will trespass
on you for at present. By the way, you go to Cheatem ? '
* Yes oh, yes ; Carysford's a hawse there/
' Two,' said Carysford, shortly ; ' in the Cheatem Handicap
Tooraloo and the Tacksman.'
* Why, they're entered in Bankers's name,' said Ned ; ' I
heard their merits discussed at the mess not two hours ago,
and they are making Tooraloo the favourite.'
' Ah ! ' said Carysford, looking up hastily ; 1 1 do enter
horses in Bankers's name sometimes.' Carysford had several
good reasons for doing so. ' And they are backing Tooraloo,
are they ? ' and he smiled an unpleasant smile. * Well, I've
got my money on him too, but I want to hedge, and I should
like to lay the odds against him. What are they 1 '
1 Why, I heard some of them laying five to four, some six.'
* Well, I'll lay you five to four, though he's light weighted,
and ought to pull through.'
Ned shook his head.
'Thank you; I've got all the money on I mean to lay
about it until I see the horses.'
Mr. Chilliwun was anxious to be thought a distinguished
sportsman, and hearing a bet proposed which Ned refused,
he thought he would show his pluck and knowledge of the
matter by taking it.
' Aw five to four. It's very little odds very little. I'll
take six to four.'
A little haggling he conceived to be symptomatic of
judgment.
' No,' said Carysford ; ' no, I can't lay more. It's a very
small matter at the best, but I don't mind giving you half a
point ; and I tell you what I'll do I'll lay eleven to eight.
Come, if you want an interest in the matter, there you are ;
it's just a little hedge for me, that's all.'
'Hem,' said Chilliwun, looking owlish, by way of pretending
great judgment and wisdom ; hem well, I don't care if I
do so I'll take you eleven eleven pound to eight against
your horse Toodleoo.'
224 NEWTON DOG VANE
I Tooraloo,' quoth Carysford, correctingly, as he booked the
bet Chilliwun doing likewise, after his own fashion.
'What was doing about the Tacksman, did you hear?'
' Well, I think yes I heard an offer or two of six to one
against the Tacksman.'
4 Ah ! ' said Carysford, indeed ! I should like to take that
too, and then my bets would stand easy. Will you lay it ? '
* No,' answered Ned.
I 1 will,' cut in Chilliwun again. * What is it 1 five to one
against the Tracksman ? '
* Tacksman,' said Carysford, booking that bet too.
1 Did you hear anything about the Selling Stakes 1 '
* Two to one against Baretoes, four to one against Campsie,
and eight to one against Ragbag.'
' Ah ! thanks ; I must see about that to-morrow,' and the
betting-books were put out of sight.
Mrs. Spelthorne was leaning over the verandah, looking out
towards the river. The moon shone brightly into the room.
Carysford and Whiskeywitch betook themselves to a hand at
picquet for half-crowns, Whiskeywitch not being a betting
man. Chilliwun looked over Whiskeywitch's hand, smoking
large cigars consumedly. The Petrovich still wandered over
the keys of the piano absently, and Ned, after fidgeting about
indecisively for some minutes, lighted a cigar, gulped down the
remainder of his sherry and water at one large swallow, and
presently found himself beside Mrs. Spelthorne, leaning on
the rail of the verandah, and conversing with her in a low
tone, such as could hardly have been heard in the room. Very
little, however, of what passed escaped Whiskeywitch. He
heard as much as he wanted to of their conversation. He took
particular notice of every change in the Petrovich's playing.
He flattered Chilliwun so adroitly, that there did not appear
to be any flattery in it, and although that sapient youth could
not afterwards call to mind one word that Whiskeywitch had
said to him, he retained the impression that he was about the
nicest and best fellow he ever met, and in spite of his total
pre-engagement, he beat Carysford at his own particular game,
and amassed from him a perfect pile of half-crowns, and,
greatly to Carysford's disgust, steadily refused to increase the
stakes. Carysford was a gambler and a leg, but not entirely
a discreet one. Whenever he would have shifted a card, or
played any of his engaging little tricks, he detected the eye
AN IMBROGLIO 225
of Whiskey witch fixed on his hands with a needle-like, in-
quisitive glance, which utterly foiled him. Once he dropped
a card so cleverly that it was almost impossible for any one to
see it, but "Whiskeywitch instantly picked it up for him, and
presented it to him with such truly gentlemanly politeness
that Carysford was, as he secretly owned to himself when the
evening was over, regularly floored ; and finally, when he once
more offered to increase the stakes, incited thereto by a reck-
less and feverish desire for excitement, which was increased
by sundry potables, thinking his antagonist would not perhaps
play so coolly for a good stake, Whiskeywitch laid down his
hand and said
' I never gamble, sir, as a rule ; but as you seem desirous
of meeting a " foeman worthy of your steel," I don't mind
indulging you for once, and playing you one game mind,
only one ; but if I do gamble, it must be for something worth
while.' And he drew out his note-case, putted the cloth off the
table, and began counting out.
* One, two, three, four, five. There are five hundred-pound
notes, and now, if you will be so good as to place by you the
same sum, we will commence,' and shuffling the cards together,
he placed them ready for cutting between them.
Carysford coloured violently, and then said with a forced
laugh
* You do things so en grand seigneur. I fear I have not
so large a sum about me.'
Whiskeywitch swept four of the notes off the table, leaving
one remaining. Carysford began to hem and haw, and to bite
his lips with suppressed wrath at being thus foiled, and
Whiskeywitch, with a slightly contemptuous smile, took up
the remaining note and placed it in his case, and rose from
the table. Nothing could be more insulting or contemptuous
than his manner. Carysford, in a tone of suppressed passion,
but with an attempt at a smile, asked
1 What made you pull the cloth off 1 '
' I was afraid you might drop a card, and with the cloth
on we might not notice it, and as the stake was heavy '
and Whiskeywitch, with another insulting smile, left the con-
clusion of the sentence to Carysford's fertile imagination.
' Do you mean, sir, to impute a mere accident, which
occurred just now, to any intention or or or,' and he
haggled woefully at the word, ' unfairness on my part, sir 1 '
p
226 NEWTON DOGVA'NE
and he fairly boiled over, his heavy brow growing rugged,
and his moustache bristling with rage,
' Oh dear, no, my dear sir ; but these little accidents, you
see, are very useful at times. 5
* Sir, you insult me.'
' Nonsense ! it is impossible. You ! '
It would be difficult to render in any form of words the
full weight of contempt thrown by Whiskeywitch into that
' you.' It stung Carysford to the inmost quick ; he started
up, advanced menacingly towards his antagonist, who stood
with one hand in his bosom, coolly looking him over as if he
was pricing some article of consumption.
' I will have satisfaction for this insult, sir, I
* So you shall ; I'll give it you immediately,' said Whiskey-
witch, unceremoniously interrupting him. * Come this way;'
and taking him by the arm, just above the elbow, where a
policeman usually seizes a prisoner, he drew him unresistingly
through one of the other windows. Here they stood for
a few minutes, Whiskeywitch addressing him in a low but
evidently impressive tone, and when they once more entered
the room, Carysford's expression was that of a cowed and well-
whipped spaniel. Hinging the bell, Whiskeywitch ordered a
cab, and making his adieu to all, the most warmly perhaps
to Carysford, who had not yet recovered his assurance, and
who did not breathe freely till he was gone, he hastened off to
catch the last train up to London, leaving the company to
their several devices.
* How in the fiend's name did he learn that ? ' muttered
Carysford to himself in the silence of his own chamber. * I
thought it was only known to the d 1 and myself,' and he
poured out half a tumbler of brandy and added a little water
to it, the bottle rattling against the glass as he did so. He
drank it off in two gulps, and, somewhat reassured, shook his
fist at the pier-glass. * If ever he gives me a chance,' he
growled, grinding his teeth on it, * I'll I'll murder him ! '
MR. DOGVANE SEEKETH RETIREMENT 227
CHAPTER XXIY.
MR. DOGVANE SEEKETH RETIREMENT
AND now, Mr. Dogvane having resolved to retire, turned his
attention towards the country, and seriously commenced a
course of reading calculated to introduce him to and fit him
for the pleasures of a country life. Oh ! ye aspiring Cockneys,
who think about retiring into the country, and the pleasures
of keeping your own cow, your own horse, and your own pigs,
and your own poultry, and growing your own this, that, and
t'other, don't, for goodness-sake, don't delude yourselves with
the idea that .you are going to do a little bit of ' otium cum
dig.' Yerily, you may dig, but your otium shall be a delusion,
a mockery, and a snare ; for your ease shall be worry, and
trouble, and vexation of spirit, and dig you ever so wisely
and so strenuously, you shall never realise your crop of anti-
cipations. Take the word of one who hath had experience,
and who hath also gathered, as the bee doth honey, from the
experience of others, very much in the ' sic vos non vobis '
fashion. Some people are so weakly credulous as to think
that by taking ' a little bit of land, sir,' and knowing nothing
at all about land, they can actually setting aside rent, &c.
make a little money at this sort of thing, or, as they know-
ingly say, ' make it answer their purpose.' Let these indi-
viduals' friends look after them carefully ; the state of their
mind is, as the Scotch say, blated and clangamferous, kittle,
and no that canny. They've got a tile loose somewhere. A
certain modern author has pointed out the mistake that exists
in considering country-folks simple,* and recommends the
sceptic to live among them. Ay, in truth I fancy I can see
poor old Dogvane or some one of his fellows trying it a sharp,
shrewd man of business in the city, maybe j but oh, what a
blessed infant ! what an unfledged sucking-dove he is in the
country ! And all because he sets out with the idea that the
people he is living amongst are simple, because he does not
see or believe that they have tutored their countenances to
lie. He only sees the stolid and impenetrable look of appa-
rent stupidity. He doesn't happen to catch that short side-
* Charles Reade, in ' Art and Nature.'
228 NEWTON DOGVANB
glance of low cunning and debased intelligence which shoots
at him from under the heavy brow for the least shadow of
time, and reads the working of his mind with astonishing
accuracy in his unwary and untutored visage. Look at the
man-of-all-work, groom, gardener, keeper, and what not ; what
a stupid-looking brute it is ! You think him honest, good
Master Dogvane, and well you wot he is a simple clown. But
still he knows his business, and he is not dear, and he has
never visited the county jail, so you engage him. But it is
curious that your horse, whether at home or abroad, always
gets through his allowance of corn somehow. ' It med be the
rats, and it med be the vowls.' So Jem says. But then
Jem's so simple and stupid, how should he know ? And how
badly your fowls do lay, to be sure. If Jem didn't keep the
key of the fowl-house, you'd think somebody took them; * but
thar's allus such a darned kit o' rats an wuzzles (weasels)
about,' as Jem says, and so forth.
Then look at this rustic cow-jobber ; with all your clever-
ness in buying, selling, and bargaining, my worthy Dogvane,
you can't buy a cow for, by one-third, as little as he can.
And as for selling one don't say a word about it. Now,
see, you'll pay him just ^5 more for that brindled Alderney,
which will be dry in a month, than your neighbour Gubbins,
the farmer, would with the calf just taken from her, and Mr.
Gubbins himself can't buy it within a tithe of what he can.
And yet what a heavy, round-shouldered, stupid yokel it is ;
isn't he now '? You think so.
Here's your pig-dealer emphatically yours you like to
call him yours it looks as if you sold hundreds of pigs to
him yearly and he doesn't care what he's called, if he's
paid for it; you buy little pigs of him, and 'little pigs be
uncawmun dear an' scaace, to be sure they be.' A price is
named : you think it exorbitant (so it is, but you don't
really know it by experience), and so you call in Jem Jem
* don't know, raily, pigs is pigs.' You can't deny that, you
know ; there's no mistake about it ; even a pig wouldn't deny
his own identity. Meantime Miss Jane, or Julia, or Fanny,
or the * Missus ' herself comes out, in which latter case, Mr.
Pig-dealer won't conclude to-day, because he'd ten times over
rather deal with you than your wife. A woman's cunning
reads him at a glance, and it is very little more than an equal
match as far as the dealing goes ; experience may of course
MR. DOGVANE SEEKETH RETIREMENT 229
affect the bargain. If, however, only one or two of the
young ladies come out to look at the ' beeyoutiful little piggy
wiggys,' you'll hear a rude specimen of rustic gallantry, and
possibly a nauseous dose of rustic flattery. ' He'd make the
purty young lady a present o' one on 'em, darnged if he
wouldn't, if he hadn't got a vamily to look to. Bless her purty
bright eyes. When was they to set the bells a ringin' vor
her ? He allus ringed the trepple bob, he did, an' darnged if
he worn't like to gi'e her a peal darnged if a worn't,' and he
slaps his thigh, and looks hideously adumbrated and idiotically
foolish. * He'd take the young lady's 'pinion ; she knowed
moor about a pig than her veather did ' (no doubt she did as
much) * any day,' and he laughs such a laugh !
Have you got the feelings of a father, old Dogvane ?
Miss Jane titters, ' she doesn't know ah ! what does
Jem think ? '
She has great reliance on Jem, who gets her wildflower
roots, and birds' eggs, and such little trumpery, which cost
nothing. Moreover, he brings in the first brood of chickens,
and always persists ever after in calling them Miss Jane's,
and so forth ; therefore we repeat she has great reliance on
Jem. And Jem shakes his head. ' Well, he don't know he be
sure med be muster the dayler (dealer) 'ud bate a shillun or
eighteenpunce.'
At which, muster the dayler looks reproachfully at Jem,
and calls him 'young man,' in a lofty way. And after a
haggle he does take off the shilling ; though he won't the
eighteenpence, ' not if you was to go down on your knees.'
Jem gains great credit for his talent for dealing, and his
honesty is established. But the next market-day, Jem, the
'young man,' and 'muster, the dayler,' are to be seen in an
obscure public, having a glass together, and sharing the
profits of the deal.
Well, then, you fat your pigs upon the house and garden
refuse, and the skim-milk, &c., and towards the end you give
them a sack or two of barley-meal, just to put a finish on
them, and muster, the dayler, and Jem enact the same farce
over again. Only on this occasion, ' Big pigs is raily quite a
drug in the market. Everybody's a sellin' ; 'mout a had nigh
vower hunderd last market-day,' with instances, &c. &c.
Of course he gets them at his own price. So it is with
everything you buy, and still more with everything you sell
230 NEWTON DOGVANE
of this sort. You've as much chance with these simple folks,
my venerable friend Dogvane, as an author has with his
first play amongst actors, or his first work amongst publishers.
One used to hear of simple countrymen coming to London,
and being picked up by London sharpers, but the legend is
evidently dying out ; and the type which conveyed this perio-
dical piece of intelligence in the morning papers being worn
out, was broken up to be recast in common with the ' big goose-
berry,' 'the gigantic turnip/ 'the monster cabbage/ and 'the
shower of frogs.' Well, well, well ! farewell, friends of my
youth. Every dog has its day, and you've had yours.
But, once for all, as to the otium of the country, that prin-
cipally is enjoyed by your servants ; and those only who have
lived in the country, and taken early to its pursuits, and had
a bit of shooting, or fishing, or land, and what not, and kept
cows, pigs, sheep, poultry, &c. &c., and taken great interest
and trouble about them, I say, they alone know the annoy-
ance and worry these simple pleasures are capable of costing
one at times, when taken in combination with country ser-
vants ; for town servants seldom take to the country, and, if
they do, constitute themselves a tenfold greater nuisance than
the natives themselves. Have you a favourite pony, dog, cow,
cock, hen, duck, goose, turkey, lamb, pig, or otherwise ? Have
you anything choice in the garden way, which you have
procured and reared at great cost and trouble ? It is about
nine chances out of ten that that particular object comes to
grief.
Mr. Dogvane, however, had taken his ticket for Arcadia,
and thither he meant to go, and so began fitting himself for
a residence there ; and happening to fall in with a remarkable
little work called ' Box on the Cow/ he bought it, and read
it. Subsequently he fell in with another remarkable work,
' Box on the Pig ; ' he bought that also, and read it too. And
after that, with another remarkable little work called ' Box
on the Sheep/ and after that again, seriatim, with several
remarkable little works ' Box on Domestic Poultry/ * Box
on the Horse/ &c. &c. Combined with this, he studied
' How to keep (qy. lose) a Horse on Sixpence a Day ; ' he
studied also ' Mary Wedlake/ and determined to ' bruise his
oats.' Then came ' Box on the Dog/ &c. &c. &c. Conse-
quently, he soon got ' to know all about it,' as he phrased it ;
and thus the conversation would run when the hissing urn
MR. DOGVANE SEEKETH RETIREMENT 231
had departed, and Mr. D. had his slippers on, and his spec-
tacles mounted between himself and his worthy spouse.
(Mr. Dogvane loquitur.) What's the first thing, my dear,
you would do with a chicken ?
(Mrs. D.) Do with a chicken, dear. Well, first I should
consider whether it was enough for dinner, and if it wasn't,
I should order a piece of pork.
(Mr. D.) Nonsense, my dear, I mean after it's hatched.
(Mrs. D., with natural maternal instinct.) I should think,
my dear, that the mother was the best judge.
(Mr. D.) No, my dear, certainly not. You must open its
mouth and give it a peppercorn.
(Mrs. D.) Stuff and nonsense !
(Mr. D.) And suppose, my dear, your horse had the
staggers what should you say to that ?
(Mrs. D., impressively.) I should say that the horse was
intoxicated.
(Mr. D.) Nonsense, my dear, nonsense ! A horse intoxi-
cated, indeed, absurd !
(Mrs. D.) Oh, of course it's absurd. Anything I say
must be ; but I only know that my father's brother, Uncle
George, who kept a horse, and knew what horses are as well
as any one, used to give his horse beer.
(Mr. D., derisively.) Beer !
(Mrs. D). Yes, Mr. D., warm, and with ginger in it ; and
if horses drink beer warm with ginger in it, why shouldn't
they be intoxicated ? and if intoxicated, of course they'll
stagger. Don't tell me horses do drink, and you can't con-
tradict it.
Mr. Dogvane had never viewed the matter in this light,
and he was puzzled ; however, he would mumble something
and refer to Box.
' Well, I only know Box doesn't say so.'
(Mrs. D., triumphantly.) Of course not. What does he
know about it ? Box, indeed ! Nothing goes down now but
Box. With your Box's Box on this, and Box on that, and
Box says the other. Is nobody to have an opinion bat Box ?
(Mr. D., turning the subject, and taking up another book.)
Suppose now your pig had the measles.
(Mrs. D.) Nonsense ! Mr. D. ; it's positively shocking to
hear you talk ; as if a nasty dirty pig could have the same
complaint as a dear innocent baby. I declare to goodness,
232 NEWTON DOGVANE
you are taking leave of your senses, D. But Box says so, of
course. The nasty brute ! What does he say of a pig when
he's teething, dear ? Mrs. D. would ask demurely.
(Mr. D.) Well, look here, my dear.
And he presents the open book. Mrs. D. takes it, reads
a word or two, throws it into the fire in disgust, and rising in
high dudgeon, collects her sewing tackle, and departs for the
evening ; and Mr. D., after lighting a cigar and mixing his
grog, looks wistfully at the burning book, but on the morrow
invests one more shilling in the purchase of * Box on the Pig.'
In the meantime Mr. Dogvane was not idle, far from it,
in seeking out a locality wherein to settle ; he was uncertain
whether to buy or to hire, and under these circumstances he
left a good wide margin in his researches as to the sort of
thing which would suit him. What a weary job that house
and estate hunting is it cost Mr. Dogvane half a year's rent
looking after a place, at the lowest computation ; his face
became as well known at Checkwax's, the estate agent's, as
Checkwax's own ; whilst Boggle and Pargins gave him address
after address until even their smiling complacency was almost
exhausted.
He ran down into Buckinghamshire to look at a little
property, and he ran down into Bedfordshire to look at a
desirable purchase ; he ran into Hertfordshire on two or three
occasions ; he penetrated Surrey in all directions, and Mid-
dlesex he travelled o'er, while the railway officials in Kent
became aware of him, the Essex folks saw his rosy countenance
more than once. As to the advertisements in the papers, he
got quite tired of answering and looking after them he got
so continually cheated in his expectations. E.g., one morn-
ing he read the following :
* To let or sell, a desirable freehold estate, comprising a
comfortable dwelling-house, with every accommodation for a
gentleman's family, with six bedrooms, and dressing-room ;
dining-room, 1 6 by 21, drawing-room, 22 by 19, and breakfast-
room, 1 8 by 17, butler's pantry, and servants' offices ; also a
four-stall stable and coach-house, with cow accommodation
and piggery behind, ornamental and extensive shrubbery, with
the most delightful grounds surrounding, large walled garden
containing choice fruit-trees, orchard, &c., the most charming
and picturesque views, 23 acres of fine meadow land, through
which runs a trout-stream, a branch of the far-famed Brattle,
MR. DOGVANE SEEKETH RETIREMENT 233
celebrated for the fineness of its trout ; 700 acres of carefully
preserved shooting, two packs of hounds within reach, railway
handy, and coaches pass close by. To any gentleman seeking
retirement from the toils of business, and desirous of a country
life, with a love of sporting, the present investment offers an
opportunity seldom to be met with, &c. &c. &c.'
Mr. Dogvane read the advertisement. It sounded .well ;
there was the trout-stream, and there was the shooting.
There was the twenty- three acres of land, just about as much
as he should like to try his hand on as a beginning. There
was the cowhouse, piggery, orchard, garden, and all ; and the
house too was about the right mark, and the two packs of
hounds handy ; not that he cared about that himself, but it
might suit New. Yes, this was, considering that the railway
and coach was handy too, as near the thing as any he had heard
or read of. So he went to the agents and got the address of the
owner of Stawkley House, one Mr. Chipcheese, of Titcomb,
Kent. To Titcomb Mr. Dogvane proceeded on the morning
after he saw the advertisement. He had travelled by the rail
some twenty miles from town, when at a small intermediate
station, a bustling-looking, talkative little man, with a perky
chin and a squint in his dexter eye, got into the carriage, and
instantly commenced a conversation ; the last complaint he
would probably have died of would have been bashfulness,
and as Mr. Dogvane was nothing loth, they were soon in
high talk.
* Going to Titcomb, sir ? ' he asked.
'Yes,' answered Mr. Dogvane.
* Indeed ! so am I my native place.'
It was Mr. Dogvane's turn to say * indeed.'
' Never lived out of Titcomb in my life, and know every
inch of ground in and about it every inch. You, it's super-
fluous to remark, are a stranger to Titcomb. Ever there
before, sir ? '
' Never,' said Mr. Dogvane, as it occurred to him that a
person so well acquainted with the neighbourhood would be
able to give him a little information, if carefully pumped.
Pumping, however, was out of the question. The little man
dived to the bottom of his business in a twinkling.
* Stawkley ! ha, ha ! yes yes let's see,' referring to his
Times, ' here's the advertisement in again to-day ha hem
keen card, Chipcheese, a very keen card indeed. Yes, desirable
234 NEWTON DOG VANE
freehold ! very much so, very much indeed oh, yes, exceed-
ingly desirable*
1 But ain't it desirable ? ' asked Mr. Dogvane, beginning to
think it might be just possible that he had been made a fool
of again.
1 That, my dear sir, is purely a matter of taste. Some people
are not fond of tumbledown places, with smoky chimneys, and
damp walls covered with green mould, and all that sort of
thing. Still that's all a matter of taste. Hem ! six bedrooms '
(referring to advertisement), 'three bedrooms, two closets, and
man's dog-hole over the loft yes, still they are bedrooms if
you choose. The sitting-rooms ah ! if they were less gloomy,
and had two windows instead of one, and if they didn't smoke
beyond all cure, they'd be more comfortable perhaps. Butler's
pantry, too, ha ! ha ! ha ! ' and the little man laughed con-
tinuously at this point, indeed he appeared so tickled with it,
that he constantly referred back to it for the sake of a laugh.
* But isn't there a butler's pantry 1 ' asked Mr. Dogvane,
growing decidedly uneasy.
' Oh ! I dare say there is I shouldn't wonder ; servants'
offices too ! oh, yes, and a four- stall stable and a coach-house
too. Yes, yes, very good, friend Chipcheese ; I'll christen my
cart-shed a coach-house as soon as ever I get home. Orna-
mental and extensive shrubbery, very ornamental. Fond
of blackberries, sir ? ' he asked, suddenly.
'No,' said Mr. Dogvane, with a strong disapproval; *I
hate 'em ! '
'Ah! that's a pity.'
'Why?'
' Because you'd be able to gather any number of 'em in that
shrubbery. Garden well, there is a garden, such as it is ;
twenty- three acres of fine meadow land that's according what
one considers to be fine meadow land ahem 1 The rushes are
very fine, I believe. As for the trout-stream, it's always dry
in the summer, and floods the land in the winter; and the
seven hundred acres of shooting one-third is a common
right, shared with all the scamps in the neighbourhood and
of the other, about three hundred acres belong to the College of
Eton, and the permission will be closed after this year, I know,
and the other two hundred is young Fips's farm, a lazy, loaf-
ing young vagabond, who always goes over his farm witli a
gun in his pocket. The hounds never come within eleven
MR. DOGVANB SEEKETH RETIREMENT 235
miles, and if they ever do get into that country by any chance,
they are whipped off, because it's impracticable. As for the
rail, it's nine miles off, and the coach, which goes up and down
on alternate days, it doesn't come, at the nearest point, which
is the foot of Block's Hill, nearer than four miles and a half.
The nearest village, where you have to get all supplies from,
is Fingham that's five miles. Titcomb itself is eight and a
half. But don't believe me don't believe me ; go and see it,
by all means,' said the stranger, seeing that Mr. Dogvane
looked partly chapf alien and partly incredulous. ' Go and
see it, and when you return, ask at the inn for Mr. Skipton,
and if you will give me a call, I'll tell you of something good.
But here we are. Good morning, sir.'
* Good morning,' said Mr. Dogvane.
' Think I've fixed Chipcheese's flint a scamp why didn't
he give me the job of letting his tumbledown old place ? per-
haps I'd have let it for him. It's all true, that's one comfort,'
said the stranger to himself, as he left the platform, while
Mr. Dogvane was bargaining for a fly to take him to Stawkley.
It is needless to pursue this further ; Mr. Dogvane went to
Stawkley, and at once saw the truth of all his late companion
had stated. It is only fair to say, though, that much of it
would have passed unnoticed, but for the friendly offices of
Mr. Skipton.
Mr. Dogvane drove into Titcomb on his return from
Stawkley House. Titcomb was once upon a time a busy little
place a pompous sort of place but that was in the old
coaching and posting days. It was now a half-deserted
country town, smitten by the paralysis of centralism. It
had a market, and was spasmodically busy once a week. It
had a Statty fair once a year, at which everybody in a smock-
frock wore coloured ribbons, as an excuse for subsequently
getting drunk, it would appear. It had now and then the
militia or the yeomanry there, and drums were beaten and
bugles blown, and servant-girls' heads turned completely; and
it had in full blossom a modem invention called ' Political
Opinions,' which is a species of disease, exhibiting in its various
changes all the phases of dementation, from driveling imbe-
cility to raving madness. The phase which was endemic at
Titcomb was termed by the national lunatic-asylum keepers
Radicalism, and meant getting angry and talking loudly,
coarsely, vulgarly, and stupidly to people able to appreciate
236 NEWTON DOG VANE
loudness, coarseness, vulgarity, and stupidity; and it meant
abusing every one in what is called a superior position in life,
and imputing vile motives to all they did and said, for the
purpose of making the radical talker so disagreeable to these
parties, that they might think it worth their while to pay him
money to keep him quiet, which they sometimes did, taking
it previously and most deservedly from his own pocket. And
they had a disputatious vestry at Titcomb, whereat Mr. Smith
was always wanting to know ' why he was rated at seventeen
pound, when Brown warn't rated no more than sixteen pound
fifteen 1 and why Brown had a crossing hopposite to 'is 'ouse,
when he hadn't one hopposite to 'isn ? and furthermore why
the westry put up the new pump right hopposite to the
brewer's 'ouse ? warn't his beer thin enough without another
pump ? &c. &c., and what they meant by charging the parish
twenty-four pound sixteen shillings and threepence for it,
when Straggles could a done it better fortwenty-two pound ten
nine ? And here was Straggles to speak for himself,' &c. &c.
Titcomb, too, had a triangular square, in which was the
market-place, opposite to which was the Red Lion, whilom
an inn of consequence, where the coaches put down their pas-
sengers to a ten-minutes' dinner, involving much subsequent
indignation, and such a piece of imposition in the way of
charging for it, that the inn should have been called the
Silver Fleece. From over the porched doorway of the hostelry
grinned humorously a huge anomaly purporting to be a Red
Lion, whose tail had been stolen in years gone bye by wicked
wags, and when recovered had been re-pieced to the body by
means of iron plates, under the supervision of an artist igno-
rant of leonine anatomy surely, or he would never have set it
on with that peculiar crook in it, which made it seem so out of
joint. Bristling up to his nose with wooden skewers, he would
have looked fierce had not the majority of those appendages
long since mouldered away, and successive coats of paint, laid
on by other unskilful artists, imparted a squint to his eye, and
a general expression of helpless spooniness to his visage.
It was the boast of Titcomb that the great Mr. Chizzle
Leary, the pseudo farmers' friend, had spoken his maiden
speech upon that very same platform where the lion stood,
with his arm familiarly round that lion's neck. Hence the
lion was one of the objects of curiosity in the town. How
many coach-loads of passengers had he not seen taken in from
MR. DOGVANE SEEKETH RETIREMENT 237
his altitude ! and how very few he ever saw now ! They were
all gone; and Tom and Bob, two baggy-corduroy-breeched,
withered old incapables, maundering by the stable archway
on sunny days abput ' Dawkins' mare or the Doctor's cob,'
alone remained of the tribe of smart l boys ' and dissipated
helpers who administered to coaches and postchaises of yore.
Where, alas ! were the smart chambermaids, the bustling
landlady, and the pompous landlord 1 Echo (and there was
plenty of space for her to answer in) answered, with a hollow
groan, ' Where ? '
Look at yon frowsy-capped, shambling, paralytic old crone,
and that sottish, blear-eyed, flabby-cheeked being, just sinking
into dreary helplessness and beery imbecility, sole represen-
tatives of departed grandeur, and evidences of the mutability
of innkeeping affairs. Ay, ay ! tempora mutantur, et cetera.
Mr. Dogvane noted a good deal of this as he drove to
the Lion, after a long drag in the rail way- fly. He inquired
for and found out Mr. Skipton, who he discovered was the
auctioneer, broker, upholsterer, house and estate agent, under-
taker, coal merchant, wine merchant, bill discounter, &c. &c.,
of the place. An omnivorous little insect was Skipton, a sort
of trading ant-lion, always on the watch for prey, no matter
of what kind, from a bankrupt stock to a dishonoured bill,
from a house to a coffin.
There had been one lawyer in Titcomb when things were
flourishing, and he got but an indifferent living. Now that
decay had seized the place, there were two, both doing well
(or ill, as the reader chooses to understand it). The latter im-
portation was a nephew of Mr. Skipton ; and there is nothing
unusual in the fact of these both thriving, as it is no way re-
markable to see maggots increase and fatten on decay. The
nephew lived conveniently opposite to Mr. Skipton's house, in
a strait-laced, formal-looking house, a regular lawyer's house
you'd swear to that with a window on each side of the
yellow-brown door, with yellow-brown window-shutters, and
a window over the door with yellow-brown facings. And
down by the side of the coachmaker's yard, which cut into
the brewer's and banker's premises, was a cunning little
yellow-brown office, where a tall boy of tallowy aspect, whose
prominent wrists and ankles showed that his clothes had
neglected to follow his growth, was supposed to officiate as
the clerk, at a salary as spare as himself, albeit his principal
238 NEWTON DOGVANE
use, and that was no trifling one, was that of being blamed
for everything that went wrong, (i.e., for the client,) not for
the lawyer, of course.
Were a bill dishonoured or a paper not sent, in consequence
of which Skipton's nephew had to sue, and also to charge costs,
&c. , he ' couldn't think how it was ; he gave his clerk orders,
but somehow, &c. &c.'
Poor clerk ! with all boyish sympathies crushed from him
at his early age, and with the constant practice he had in
blood-sucking, is it any wonder that he became an able, expert,
and thirsty blood-sucker himself in course of time ?
After a short conversation with Mr. Skipton, and looking
over his books, and finding nothing there likely to suit, Mr.
Skipton recollected that there was an estate about to come
into the market, some fourteen or fifteen miles from Titcomb.
The owner was embarrassed.
'He wasn't sure whether his nephew had received any
further commands with regard to it. They would go and see.'
Accordingly they crossed the street and plunged into the
yellow-brown office, and there we will leave them.
CHAPTER XXV.
' Here we go up, up, up, and here we go down, down, down, oh !
Here we go backwards and forwards, and here we go round, round,
round, oh ! ' THE' SONG OP THE SKA-SICK.
THE morning was fine, with a light northerly breeze, a regu-
lar soldier's wind for the yachting party. Hampers travelled
to and fro between Mr. Chilliwun's hotel and that well-found
and fitted, fast-sailing yacht, the Gleam. The diplomatic
steward was in very great force, the polite captain was in the
full blossom and high spring-tide of his ' little brief authority,'
and Mr. Chilliwun was in all his glory, excepting when he
was snubbed by the diplomatic steward for venturing to
want anything whatever to be in accordance with his own
views, or when he was bullied in the most polite manner
THE SONG OF THE SEA-SICK 239
by his polite captain or pooh-poohed in a matter-of-course
manner by his friend Carysford, who ordered things as he
and the captain and steward liked, and not as Mr. Chilliwun
liked, who was simply allowed by these high potentates and
authorities the distinguished honour of paying for anything
they chose to order. But Mr. Chilliwun more than indem-
nified himself for these indignities by swelling it tremendously
before the door of his hotel, and through the town, and up
and down the pier giving orders to those whom he thought
he could venture to order, in a loud tone, which orders were
mostly received by a thrust of the tongue into the cheek and
a side-wink between one another by the men. But the little
boys and the nursery-maids, and a few of the Cockney resi-
dents, regarded Mr. Chilliwun with large and fervid admira-
tion as he rolled along (having assumed his salt water legs
somewhat earlier than was necessary), with a huge spyglass
plentifully be-flag-patterned under his arm, a very rough dirty-
weather jacket and buttons on his body albeit it was a fine
warm spring morning a shiny sky-scraper, with an undue
amount of ribbons decorating his brows, and very short black
pipe (obtained for half-a-guinea at Milo's) stuffed with Caven-
dish, which made him feel a little queer so early in the morn-
ing, between his teeth.
* Now you, Jack, look alive. Jump into the gig and ease
off the painter, and chuck over those fenders don't you see
she's thumping 1 ' quoth Mr. Chilliwun, authoritatively.
Jack, the cabin-boy, who was looking carelessly on, with
his hands in his pockets, looked hugely surprised.
Mr. Chilliwun had casually heard the same order given by
an experienced yachtsman the day before, and treasured up
the remark in his mind. It was a considerable addition to
his nautical lore. Jack, however, descended slowly into the
boat to execute the order, which happened, by good luck, to
be rather apropos at the moment.
'You, Jack,' quoth the diplomatic steward, who had been
counting hampers, &c., and was now looking over the rail into
the boat with a half-smile to two of the crew, who had just
set down a large hamper of edibles. ' Don't you know that
Captain Rigdum always insists upon having the loblolly ropes
brailed, and the powder-monkeys properly trained aft, when
lie expects company ? '
1 Aye, aye, sir,' answered Jack, with a diabolical grin at
2 4 o NEWTON DOG VANE
this piece of absurdity, while the men turned away to hide
their faces.
' Then why don't you attend to the captain's orders, sir 1 '
And the steward walked away, and Mr. Chilliwun, seeing a
peculiar look, rather portending a smile, pass round, and not
being quite certain whether he had made an ass of himself by
his orders or no, walked away also, while boy Jack threw him-
self back into the stern- sheets, with his legs elevated in air,
and indulged in an uncontrollable fit of laughter, a regular
guffaw, stopping only to look up at the men and ejaculate
' I say, tho', ain't he jolly green ? '
1 Green ! ' answered one of them, l shouldn't want fresh
vegetables for a month if he only stopped aboard on us.'
1 Wonders they didn't engage him for the Harctic hexpedi-
tion to keep the scurvy off. Haw ! haw ! haw ! '
' Haw ! haw ! haw ! '
' Haw ! haw ! haw w w ! '
Who wouldn't be a bold yachtsman ?
But still the little boys and the nursery-maids looked, ad-
mired, and whispered. It was manna and consolation to Mr.
Chilliwun. Presently the party came trooping down the pier;
Newton had come down by an early train to enjoy the first
cruise ; Ned was there, watching for a kind glance from the
bright eyes of Mrs. Spelthorne. Two or three other ladies,
young and beautiful and gaily dressed, had joined them, and
they were an exceedingly happy and gay party. The gig made
two trips before all of them got on board. Mr. Chilliwun,
steering the first boat-load a very erratic course, and neglect-
ing to give the word 'In bow,' or to come alongside properly,
ran the gig stem on, shooting the whole party into the middle
of the boat in the utmost confusion, and almost staving in the
gig's bows.
'Well, I am &c.'d,' said Captain Bigdum, with suppressed
wrath, at seeing that the occurrence was noticed by a rival
or two on the pier, who came to see the yacht get under
weigh for her first trip, and to criticise closely everything
connected with her. ' Well, I am &c.'d who the &c. could
ever let him handle the yoke-lines ? Yah ! it's sickening.
I'll cut this I'll cut it,' he grumbled to himself, as he took
a short turn round, and then came once more to the gang-
way to help tho ladies on board, who looked rather glower-
ingly upon the wretched Chilli. Always very polite and
THE SONG OF THE SEA-SICK 241
attentive to ladies was Captain Rigdum a most gallant
man. Order was restored ; the party got on deck without
further accident. The ladies went below and shook their
rumpled feathers straight again, and the gig, which was but
slightly damaged (although Mr. Chilliwun subsequently paid
a long bill for repairs), returned for its second freight.
But there was balm in Gilead even for Captain Rigdum ;
for now, his party being seated, Mr. Carysford stepped into
the boat, taking the ropes as if he knew full well what he
was about (and so he did) gave the word, ' Give way,' and
they shot away for the yacht, holding their course as straight
as an arrow, for it was slack tide, just about turning to ebb.
The yacht really looked well as she sat gracefully on the
water, with her sails loose, and all ready to slip.
' Way enough in bow,' and round came the boat with a
graceful curve, just kissing the vessel's side, and Captain
Rigdum cast a glance of triumph towards the pier, as if he
would have said : < What d'ye think of that then ? Will
that do for you ? '
And now all at length being ready ' Stand by throat
and peak halyards haul,' shouted Captain Rigdum, as he
took the helm, ' yeo-ho-heave-ho,' and the large mainsail
rose gracefully to its place, throwing its snowy folds abroad
to woo the wind.
1 By foresail and jib sheet let go,' and the craft, released
from her moorings, swung slowly round.
'Haul aft jib sheet,' and the little cutter heeled over
slightly to the breeze, and the next moment was cutting the
silver no, hang it, we must erase that the muddy waters
of broad Father Thames in its downward course.
It is not necessary for us to follow Mr. Chilliwun, step by
step, throughout this cruise, as there was no incident par-
ticularly interesting for some time. Suffice it to say, that
Mr. Chilliwun was two or three times nearly brained by the
boom in the course of the day ; that he got in everybody's
way, and was perpetually snubbed and pushed on one side ;
and that every accident, bother, or matter of forgetfulness
in regard to anything wanted was fathered upon him and he
perpetually felt as if he had been, and still was, doing several
persons several serious injuries ; and when, after slipping
tolerably easily down the river, they got down off the Nore,
the wind chopped round to the north-east, and battling with
Q
242 NEWTON DOG VANE
the tide, raised a bit of a bubbling sea, and the visitors,
some of them, began to feel a little queer. The unfortunate
commander, who was growing yellow about the eyes himself,
and beginning to feel helplessly wretched, felt from the way
he was treated as if he alone was to blame as if he had,
with malice and aforethought, gone to the wind and weather
office, and ordered a north-easter in his own proper person,
and as if he were consequently a sort of feeble, qualmish,
abashed, and miserable kind of Boreas, disturbing every-
body's stomach and peace of mind, and most notoriously and
palpably out of his place and his proper element.
Ay di mi / who wouldn't be a desponding, bullied, sea-sick
yachtsman ? Mr. Chilli wun certainly paid dear for the hon-
our. Mr. Chilliwun was sitting down to leeward ; he was
looking at the rolling shore. What a shore that was ! it
wouldn't stand still. There was one house in particular
a very white one, amongst some trees up and down it went,
and this way and that way, quite dazzling Mr. Chilliwun
with its irregularities. Newton, looking pale and very un-
happy, came and interchanged a few remarks with him, and
then they were both silent for a time. Mr. Carysford, Ned,
and one or two of the others, who seemed as if nothing could
disturb them, were laughing and talking with one or two of
the ladies who stood by the companion. Their neat little
hats were just peeping up above it. Their mirth and laughter
seemed unkind to Newton and Chilliwun. The waves rose
and fell rose and fell and whirled and quivered very
unpleasantly. Up went the yacht's bows 'o-o-op here
we go up, up, up,' they held their breath 'here we go
down, down, down, oh ! ' And the stroke fell upon their
very hearts and livers making them tremble as if they
were a portion of the craft herself. Ned here advanced
to them.
' Hallo, my boys ! isn't this glorious ? '
* Gl-gl-orious,' gasped Mr. Chilliwun.
'What a fine breeze we have a regular sneezer.'
' Bee-u-utiful ! '
' Feel a little queer ? Have a pipe ? ' A pipe ! Oh, gra-
cious 1 The twain shivered slightly.
' What a confounded draught ! Why, you're right under
the wind of the mainsail come up to windward.'
They had felt a strong wind, and they got up and staggered
THE SONG OF THE SEA -SICK 243
to windward, receiving a slight shower of spray as they
looked over.
4 Lunch is ready, gentlemen,' said the diplomatic steward.
' Hurrah ! ' said Ned, * come along, lads ; I'm as hungry as
a hunter a bit of lunch will put you both on your legs again.'
They sought the companion, and blundered down it. The
smell of cookery made their stomachs heave, and as Mr.
Carysford ladled out the first spoonful of the thick, steaming
soup, Mr. Chilliwun and Newton simultaneously and pre-
cipitately left the table and rushed violently upon deck. It
was all over with them. How odd it is that people who are
not sea-sick have so little feeling for those who are ! And
yet I know no more wretched or horrible sensation. A peal
of laughter followed this exploit, and the remainder of the
company, saving and excepting two of the ladies, who were
groaning in the next cabin, and three of the gentlemen,
acquaintances of Mr. Chilliwun, who bemoaned themselves
in various parts of the vessel, ate a very plentiful and choice
luncheon, and washed it down with still choicer potables.
Mr. Chilliwun and Newton were prostrate for the day. They
knew no more of what followed ; there was a constant ring-
ing in their ears, a quivering in their eyeballs, and an awful
tearing and retching sensation in their interiors, which
seemed to be rending their very vitals. Ah ! it may be very
laughable, but it's no joke to the sufferer, I can tell you.
Oh ! what a painful remembrance I have of knocking about
in a small cutter in hrJf-a-gale of wind for three days in the
chops of the Channel, once upon a time, when the whole
world seemed perpetually reeling, reeling, and heaving and
thumping, and I felt as if I cared but little where it reeled
to, even although it had been into the next. Ah !
* Ye gentlemen of England, who live at home at ease,
How little do yon think upon the miseries of the seas,'
when you rashly venture on yachting without having had due
experience of the same. Then they had a little run up with
a schooner yacht, which soon showed them a clean pair of heels;
but there was a good deal of excitement and speculation.
1 What yacht's that, Eigdum ? '
* Well, sir, I think, sir, that's the Commodore's, sir ; fastest
yacht in the fleet, sir ; it takes all she knows though, ye see,
to beat us.'
244 NEWTON DOGVANE
Of course it did, though really, to an unprejudiced looker-
on, she appeared to do it easily enough. But it came on to
blow harder yet, and yet harder; heavy clouds and gusty
were blowing up. The little cutter threshed her way along
gallantly ; really she behaved pretty well considering ; but
she was awfully wet. Captain Rigdum began to think about
taking in a reef and setting a smaller jib, when, looking away
to windward for a moment, he grasped the tiller nervously.
1 Stand by to cut away the main halyards ; lively, boys,
lively. D n that jib, I hope the bowsprit'll stand it ; but
I don't think it,' he muttered ; * here it comes hold on, sir,'
to Carysford. There was not time to cut away the halyards
before the squall struck her. Crash ! something was gone.
* There goes the bowsprit. I'd give fifty pounds out of my
own pocket, if I'd had the new spar in,' thought Captain
Rigdum.
Away went the jib, the cutter flew up into the wind ; a sea
struck her and swept along the deck, bundling all sorts of
things into a heap, and sending a considerable wash of water
down into the cabin, and one or two, who were standing on
the companion, with it. The topmast went in the cap, and
the Gleam was very little better than a wreck. Mrs. Spel-
thorne had been standing outside the hatchway, and was
almost washed overboard, not having hold of anything ; but
Ned made a dash at her, wreathed his arm round a rope, and
seizing her by the clothes, pulled her inboard, and hurried
her down into the cabin, wet, frightened, and grateful.
Newton and Mr. Chilliwun were fortunately holding on,
and got nothing but a thorough drenching. Most fortunately
at this juncture, a steamer, which was puffing and panting
along behind them, came abreast, and offered them a tow up,
which was most thankfully accepted. And in due time, but
in miserable plight, the yachting party found themselves once
more snugly ensconced in the hotel ; and Mr. Chilliwun made
a secret vow, that this his first day should be his last day's
yachting. After a time, however, having shaken off their
qualmishness, our two friends found themselves sufficiently
recovered to partake of a comfortable dinner ; and all being
once more dry and warm, they forgot, or made light of, their
misfortunes.
The cause of the accident but this Mr. Rigdum kept to
himself lay in the fact of Mr. Rigdum's and Messrs. Cagfoot
THE SONG OF THE SEA -SICK 245
and Pottleduck's roguery. They had not put in * a new spar,'
but sheathed up, scraped, and varnished the old sprung one,
flattering themselves that it wasn't sprung so badly after
all, and might do very well; and as Mr. Chilliwun was evi-
dently nothing but a fair-weather sailor, it might not be
tried. So they charged for a new one, shared the proceeds
between them, and left the old one in its place. To sum up
the history of Mr. Chilliwun's yacht, with which we have no
further interest. After she was repaired, he sent her round to
Plymouth to be sold. Captain Rigdum knew of a purchaser
there. Of course, Mr. Chilliwun did not accompany her, and
somehow, whilst she lay at anchor, it came on to blow one
day, as Captain Rigdum reported, whilst he was on shore,
and, indeed, when there were only one or two hands on board;
and before they could get on board again, she dragged her
anchor, and went ashore, and was totally wrecked ; and it
unfortunately happened, that ' in the confusion,' so Captain
Rigdum reported, * a lot of fellows got on board under the
pretence of lending a hand, and, of course, one's always glad
of assistance at such times, and not, perhaps, so particular
as one ought to be in knowing who they are, or watching
exactly everything that they do ; but these scoundrels, sir
could you believe it ? actually made away with the plate and
a lot of other valuable things, and it wasn't found out till
hours after they were all gone ashore again, for the steward
himself was ashore, visiting some relations, never dreaming of
harm ; and it was all very unfortunate very.'
And Captain Rigdum was so sorry, he couldn't tell. He'd
lost a good an excellent place ; and Mr. Chilliwun had
always acted by him as a perfect gentleman ; in fact, he was
an 'onour to the sphere he moved in, and an hornament to
the service he had entered; and Captain Rigdum further
hoped to see Mr Chilliwun again, at some future time, in the
possession of another and a finer craft, a more seaworthy
craft ; not quite so crank, and a leetle less 'ard in the mouth,
perhaps. And if Mr. Chilliwun would kindly sign him a
cheque for his salary, though really, after what had happened,
he hardly liked to ask it ; it seemed so like imposing on him
robbing him almost that he would not ask it, if he wasn't
a poor man, with a wife and family relying totally on his
exertions for support ; and so he threw himself on Mr. Chil-
liwun's generosity, for he knew his nobleness of nature, and
246 NEWTON DOGVANE
there was no doubt but he deserved a good blowing up ! (cool),
and he hoped Mr. Chilliwun would blow hini up, for he was
sure that he did deserve it ; and when a man deserved that
sort of thing, it did him good. It was a kindness to him,
as he should be sure to remember it, and it might be the
means of his avoiding such an error (!) in future.
What Mr. Chilliwun said is not to the purpose ; such
eloquence and praise, such humble submission on the part of
one he had always stood rather in dread of, overpowered and
disarmed him. He signed the cheque. And with profuse
thanks and more compliments, Captain Rigdum took his
departure.
But this was not the last of Captain Rigdum ; for weeks
after, Mr. Chilliwun had bills pouring in upon him from all
directions, of Captain Rigdum's incurring ; and whether they
were right or wrong, just or impositions, he had to pay them.
The parting scene with the diplomatic steward was equally
fine, but more imposing. It was a piece of superb acting
upon the part of that well- varnished and composed scoundrel.
But Mr. Chilliwun got rid of him at length ; and his bills,
too, dittoed Captain Rigdum 's.
The yacht had gone ashore certainly, and there was great
confusion a purposed and carefully created confusion; but
at that time there was very little of anything valuable left
on board the Gleam ; everything having been carefully re-
moved, was at that time secured and under the charge of the
steward, some miles up the country.
Had Mr. Chilliwun thought it worth while to run down to
Plymouth, he might have gathered a good deal of light and
information on the subject, as folks did wonder how she came
to go on shore when it was not blowing so very hard, and
were loud in their disapprobation of the conduct of those who
had the cutter in charge at the time of the accident. But it
was a nine days' wonder. The hull, &c., was bought by a
shipbuilder for about ninety pounds; he soon put her to
rights again, and made a very good thing of her; but we
have been anticipating our story a little.
THE RACES 247
CHAPTER XXVI.
THE RACES
A DUSTY road, a warm day, and a crowd of vehicles of every
description, are the usual concomitant of races ; and Cheatem
races are not exempt from the usual concomitant. Race-
courses and racing-scenes have been described again and
again ad nauseam. It would, I feel assured, produce some
astounding results, if any honourable and learned member
of the honourable and learned guild of literature and art
were to move for a return of the number of fashionable
novels in which a racecourse has played a conspicuous part.
Why, the Derbys and Ascots alone would sum up something
prodigious. So we are not going to do exactly what has been
done so often, but we cannot help going over some of it.
Let us see ! Of course, there is the usual gang of scoun-
drels. There is the man in the militia jacket, who was two
days ago at Newmarket, or even Chester or Doncaster, may-
hap, and who got here, heaven knows how (for he doesn't
look as if he had a railway fare about him, certainly), whose
words, as he vociferates the usual phrases with regard to
some one's c'rect card, are redolent of extravagant titles,
strong tobacco, and mixed liquids. There are the nut-shooters,
and the ring -the -bulls, and the rows of three -shies -for- a-
pennies. There are the drinking-booths hard at it already,
and hard at it will they be the whole blessed day. There is
the Grand Stand, such as it is, and there the ring, such as it
is. There the nimble thimble-rigger, or more modern card-
sharper, conversing affably with a substantial farmer and
a sporting gentleman of Caucasian physiognomy; and yet,
although you may see these three conversing just as they are
now, upon every racecourse in the kingdom, the interior of
a rail way- carriage somehow always dissolves their acquaint-
ance, and they are strangers from the moment they enter one.
These two men have evidently sworn and conspired together
to wreck the card-sharper ; for they follow him everywhere,
and constantly win money of him, to that extent, indeed,
that it is a wonder he continues to bet with them. There,
too, are the Goloshed Galivanters of Gallicia, standing on
248 NEWTON DOG VANE
each other's heads, arms, noses, knees, and everywhere, in-
deed, but where Nature meant them to stand, and showing,
further, how near they can go towards dislocating every joint
in their bodies without doing it. There too is the man with
the bolas, knives, balls, rings, and the vanishing doll, with
the ventriloquial squeak, and the little girl in muslin on
stilts, and so forth. And the man with the wonderful head-
dress of brass bells. There are also the sportsmen (!) already
half-drunk, the gipsies, ruffians, pickpockets, petty turf de-
faulters, and welchers. The swindling, horsey-looking gent,
of no particular occupation or object, but who looks a personi-
fied ' tip ' of feeble cunning, a swept-up waif of a betting-office.
There are cheating grooms, helpers, &c., &c., &c., and all that
hideous and terrible class of filthy parasites to the turf,
which help to degrade it beyond any other sport pursued in
England. There they are all, ladies and gentlemen, like
sundry other parasites, alive and kicking. There they are
hang them ! a loathsome lot. There are a few people who
are come out for a holiday, innocently enough ; and there are
a few more who are fond of horses for their own sake, and
not for the ignoble uses they may be put to; with these
two exceptions, the horses themselves are by far the noblest
creatures on the course.
About noon, Mr. Chilliwun and his party drove on to the
course in a drag. One or two officers from Cheatem barracks
had joined them, and some friends of Mrs. Spelthorne's, and
it was a very gay party indeed, Mr. Carysford driving, and
Mr. Chilliwun, in no little state of self-glorification beside
him, having taken the reins for nearly five minutes upon a
thinly-occupied portion of the road, and positively passed two
or three things, only sending one of them. a light cart into
the ditch, which Mr. Chilliwun, in his own terms, considered
as rather ' a lark ' than otherwise.
About the same time, another party, in a handsome bar-
ouche, drove on to another portion of the course, the party
consisting of Sir John Vasey and Mr. Bowers, with Charlotte
and Bessie Bowers, Newton and Captain Stevens riding on
either side. They had had a delightful drive, and Newton
had fancied that Bessie's sunny glance rested more tenderly
upon him than usual, and he had been strongly tempted to
say something or other, he hardly knew what, to give Bessie
some idea of what was going on in his own mind with regard
THE RACES 249
to her (as if she did not know, or as if any woman ever did
not know, when a man loved her with all his heart and soul).
He feared to risk something or other by being too precipitate.
Ha ! ha ! we, of course, can laugh at him as lookers-on, but
it was a very serious point with Newton, that. ' Did she, or
didn't she ? Was the pear ripe, or was it only, &c. &c.' He
had pulled his hair, and kicked the bedclothes off, with windy
groans over this question many times. Poor fellow ! he cfiHriL t
know that the pear had been ripening fast, ever since the
morning when the Veteran and the Lily stood at a certain
chamber-door, that the pear had received a considerable im-
petus towards ripening by the little adventure in Regent
Street, and although Newton had not bestowed another
thought on so slight a service, beyond congratulating himself
upon being enabled to render it, Bessie had thought of it
often enough. In defence of her how brave he looked ! What
a flash there was in his eye, and how the blackguard went
down before him ! What a fine handsome, manly fellow he
was. We he-things cannot form an appreciation of the strong
and natural admiration, the tender weakness, woman has for
the strength and prowess of man. Beauty always did admire
valour and prowess, in whatever form it was shown, and a few
thousand years have not altered the world in this respect.
Ay, ay, Master Newton ! that one knock-down blow, that
simple extension of the extensors, did you more good service
than the finest speeches, got up with the greatest care, and
delivered with the greatest apparent effect, could have done.
You can't conceive how a woman can admire the man who
knocks down one who grossly insults her, and particularly if
she has a kind of a sort of regard in that quarter previously.
Yes, yes ; it's * the old, old story,' and it will be the old,
old story to the end of the world. The pear was ripe enough,
if Newton had but known it. The greenness was a mere
delusion, which would have vanished, had he had courage to
touch it firmly and see how soft it really was.
After some squeezing and pushing, they got their carriage
into a favourable spot for seeing the races, not far from the
stand. There were six races on the card, one of which was
just coming off as they took their places, and two jockeys
came whipping and spurring along the flat straight run-in,
followed by a tail of three or four more, and amidst a Babel
of sounds, ' Redcap, Blackcap, six to four, seven to four,' &c.,
250 NEWTON DOGVANE
they swept past, and the course, a moment before tolerably
clear, was again crowded with the impatient spectators.
* Pay your money, old fellow. You've lost,' said Mr.
Carysford to Mr. Chilliwun. ' Don't you see ? ' and he
pointed to the judge's box.
' Why, but surely the blackcap, Tearaway, won.'
'Nonsense! look there. No. 2's up, and No. 2 is Mr.
Iliggins's Trotty Yeck look at the card.'
It was unpleasantly true. In the excitement of the
moment, as they came home, Mr. Chilliwun had backed the
horse which appeared to be winning, but as they had some
eighty or one hundred yards to get to the post after they
had passed the drag, the second horse hitherto, in about a
dozen strides, collared the favourite, Tearaway, and managed
to put in an appearance at the post, just by half a length.
So Mr. Chilliwun handed up a crisp, new ten-pound note,
which Mr. Carysford pocketed.
' Now, then, we'd better get to the stand, as we're late, and
I want to get a bet or two,' and the party descended, crossed
the course, and entered the little railed- off enclosure, amidst
which a triple range of seats sprung up, which formed the
stand. The enclosure was tolerably well filled, and considering
the smallness and insignificance of the meeting, the betting
was as brisk as could well be expected. They are weighing for
the Selling Stakes. ' I'll lay twenty pounds to ten against
Baretoes,' 'I'll take fifty to ten agin Campsie,' 'Who'll lay
against Ragbag ? '
Mr. Carysford, just before he entered the enclosure, had
stopped to interchange a word or two with a tall, stout man,
with a very John Bullish countenance : * Put on fifty, or a
hundred if you can, for me. I'll offer to lay on Campsie, so
as to create a bit of a run in the market on him, and shorten
his price. You can take a bet or two with me, just to sweeten
the thing a bit and to make it look real, and so get quietly on
Baretoes as his price comes down,' said the stout individual,
who was Mr. Bankers, a well-known trainer and betting-man.
'But how about his temper? He's just as likely to bolt
and sell us as not.'
' What of that ? They've orders to make him win.'
' All right then. What'll anybody lay against Baretoes ? '
' I'll lay twenty pound to ten.'
1 Done with you, sir.'
THE RACES 251
* I'll do it again.'
' You shall forty to twenty/
'Very good.'
Mr. Carysford booked it.
'I'll take thirty-five pound to ten against Campsie,' quoth
a stout man, lounging into the ring.
' Hallo ! Why, he was at fifties just now/ and there was
a visible lengthening of one or two faces when they saw who
it was offering to take this short price.
'I'll lay you thirty, sir,' said Carysford. At this there
was further surprise.
'No, you won't thirty-five or nothing.'
' Done then.'
' Will anybody else lay it.'
No nobody else would; but a few minutes after there
were several who evinced a strong desire to take it, or
even a shorter price, if they could get it, many of whom
Carysford accommodated; and as Campsie went up in the
scale, Baretoes came down a point or two, and fifty to twenty,
and even sixty to twenty, was offered and taken, and Carys-
ford and the stout gentleman, making a small bet or two, and
ostentatiously booking it, stimulated the market and pre-
vented any suspicion of collusion; and when, after an awk-
ward start, Baretoes bolted right away from the course, round
the gravel-pits, a hundred to one was offered freely one or
two of which long shots Mr. Carysford took, to the astonish-
ment of those who laid them a proceeding which rapidly
closed the mouths of the hundred-to-one layers.
' Hallo ! by they're waiting for him ! '
And the jocks on Campsie and Ragbag were actually to be
seen little more than cantering easily along at the top of the
course, now and then looking back for their erratic opponent,
who, having had his little amusement, was now thundering
along the course again in very good style, and rapidly closing
up the distance he had lost. Who now so excited as his rivals ?
How the two rascals whipped and spurred to all appearance !
Never giving their horses an inch, until it became a race, when
it became also evident that Baretoes had still plenty of go left
in him, as they all three came pounding down the course, quite
close enough together to please such of the spectators as had
not laid against Baretoes.
' Bravo, red white wins go along, old Baretoes hurrah,
252 NEWTON DOGVANE
Baretoes. Capital race all together. Eed white black
eh ? And he does win, after all. No. i up, and no mis-
take.'
Baretoes won by little more than a neck but he did win.
' Capital race, sir. Never saw a better, sir. By Jove, sir,
that horse deserves to win, after running off the course like
that, and being so far behind, and to make such a rush as he
did, sir. Did ye see him, sir ? ' quoth the unknowing ones,
who came to see a race and nothing more.
' It's the somethingest robbery I ever saw in my life '
which it no doubt was quoth the knowing ones, who hadn't
been quite knowing enough, and murmurs loud and deep arose
from the victims. Carysford and the stout gentleman said
nothing, but calculated their winnings, and extracted them
wherever they could, and drew each other distantly and
markedly, as if it were all as real as possible.
Mr. Chilliwun was hit again and dubbed up smartly. He
could not be quiet. He must show that he knew something,
and consequently paid for it, having been one of the hundred-
to-oners when Baretoes bolted. The next race was probably
a greater robbery than the other. It was the handicap. All
the money was on Tooraloo, and Tooraloo won easily, Carys-
ford being this time apparently all on the wrong side, and
that heavily ; the stout gentleman (Mr. Bankers) not show-
ing much in the ring, and not, to all appearance, taking or
laying a sixpence on the race. Eagerly the winners came
crowding to Carysford.
* I'll draw a pony of you, sir.'
' I'll draw three tens of you, sir. '
' I think you have to give me two ponies, sir,' &c. <fec., and
so forth.
' Allow me, gentlemen, five minutes. Deuced unlucky, to
be sure. Got the pot on all the wrong way,' he said, quietly,
and he looked 'rather white about the gills,' as a bystander
remarked, who was waiting for his money. Carysford was
a trifle pale.
' By Jove, he's caught it this time, Tom.'
' Serve him right,' grunted Tom ; * ain't we never to have
a turn out of these &c. &c. &c.'s ? This'll just square the
last swindle, eh, mate ? '
* Right you are, and a trifle more with me.'
'Let me see fifty to you, sir; forty to you, sir; twenty
THE RACES 253
to you; one hundred to you,' said Carysford, and so on, making
a little list of the sums, * I'll pay you all di-rect-ly. Let me
see hum ! ' and he fingered the notes slowly, not immedi-
ately parting with them, however, and edging easily along,
meanwhile, so as to get within ear-shot of the judge's box,
round which another small crowd was congregated, noisily
discussing some very exciting and interesting point. In the
midst of which crowd the tall, stout gentleman was seen
explaining something to the stewards, who looked blankly
at one another.
' Well, it's nothing to me, you see, I haven't a sixpence on
the race, I must win the stakes upon either, you see ; but,
of course, he's disqualified. I'm very sorry my fellow should
have overlooked it but it can't be helped now.'
' Eh ! what's that ? ' said Carysford, sharply, and pushing
through the crowd to the scene of action.
' Well, if this is the case, I don't see but he must be dis-
qualified/ said one of the stewards, slowly ; ' of course, as a
winner, he should have carried the extra ten pound, though
I must say eh ! ' and he hesitated, looking towards the other
stewards, who looked puzzled and disgusted.
' What's this ? What is the matter ? anything wrong, eh ? '
asked Carysford.
1 Simply, sir,' answered Mr. Bankers, 'that Tooraloo, having
won the Bumpshire Plate, should have carried ten pounds
extra as a winner, and not having done so, must be declared
disqualified. Pray, have you anything to say, any objec-
tion to urge against that, sir ? ' asked Mr. Bankers, distantly
and loftily.
1 Oh dear, no certainly not indeed ! really ! why, that
alters matters entirely,' said Carysford, with well-assumed
surprise ; ' why, I'm at least four or five hundred better than
I thought I was, and, my good friends, it seems from this that
you have to hand over instead of receiving.'
* It's a bite it's a swindle. By it's too
bad!'
And a perfect Babel of execrations and accusations arose
around.
Stepping up to a noisy, but gentleman-like looking man,
who was loud in his disapprobation, Carysford asked, sharply,
and fixing the gentleman with his eye ' Who did you mean
to insinuate had swindled you, sir ? '
254 NEWTON DOGVANE
The gentleman quailed immediately, and stammered out
of the mess.
* Of course he didn't mean Mr. Carysford. Oh, of course
not.'
'No, sir, I should imagine not. Pray, was I not about to
pay you, when this mistake was made evident ? Hadn't I the
very notes in my hand, counting them out to you ? '
' Well, sir, certainly that is true ; you were, I must say,
about to fulfil your obligations, and I ah
* Yes, sir, and now it seems that you owe me fifty pounds.
May I trouble you for it ? '
* I well I must say,' and the gentleman began search-
ing for his note-case, very unwillingly, however. v
But the crowd still shouted and execrated, and although
one or two, seeing that there was nothing for it, blankly
began to fumble in their pockets, others still vowed and
declared 'they wouldn't pay a fraction.'
Amidst the noise, a fine soldier-like looking old gentleman,
who was one of the stewards, and who had been talking to
his fellow-stewards, stepped forward, and holding up his
hand to obtain a moment's silence, which the crowd partially
granted him ' Gentlemen,' he said, ' be so kind as not to
settle any bets, as it is our intention to refer this case to
the Jockey Club for decision.'
Whereupon there was a general clearing-up of faces.
Carysford did not show by his face that he felt any annoy-
ance, but merely said ' I will meet you all, gentlemen, at
the Corner, on the first Monday after the decision is made
public.'
And as he passed Mr. Bankers a few minutes afterwards,
he said, in an undertone ' I was half afraid of it.'
' Looks piscatorial,' answered that gentleman.
Just then Mr. Chilliwun rejoined Carysford, evidently in
travail, of something, and after a minute or two, as they
walked arm-in-arm down the course, he said, * I say, but,
old fellow, look here. They're your horses, you know, and
don't you see, you know. Look here you must have known it
as well as Bankers, eh ? you see, of course, you must, eh ? '
' How should I know ? Stuff ! Why, I only bought them
the week before last, and this occurred last year. My man
bought 'em he always buys I expect my scamp of a man
either forgot it, or made his market on it somehow.'
THE RACES 255
< Ah, ah ! '
' Don't you see ? Of course he did. Grooms are such
scoundrels, and do rob their masters so.'
This reasoning probably would not have satisfied any one
short of Chilliwuii. But Mr. Chilliwun retired into his maze
abundantly satisfied, and verbally * hanged all grooms ; they
were such confounded robbers, don't you know.'
Ned had been close in attendance on Mrsj ^S^pelthorne and
her friends, and had lost some dozens of gloves, and sundry
half-sovereigns, in sundry lotteries, and, in fact, done every-
thing a cavaliere servente is expected to do to make himself
agreeable upon such an occasion, when, just after one of the
races, as they were proceeding up the course, he heard an
uproar near the carriages, and jumping on the wheel of a
perambulatory machine containing small wares, in order to
look over the heads of the crowd, he saw Newton fighting
with his riding-whip in the middle of four or five vagabonds,
who were evidently bent upon giving him a roughish handling.
Some little distance up, he saw Sir John Yasey's barouche,
and his sisters evidently in a great state of agitation. Sir
John was just stepping down with a view to coming to
Newton's assistance, leaving the girls under Mr. Bowers'
charge, for Captain Stevens was not there, having fallen in
with a friend, with whom he was talking at the stand.
Hastily handing Mrs. Spelthorne to the protection of
another gentleman, who was behind with another of the
ladies, Ned sprung over the ropes, and hastened to the scene
of action. Ned noticed Squire Driffield lounging against one
of the carriages ; and at that moment, as two of the ruffian's
were pressing on Newton, driving him back against the car-
riages, he distinctly saw the Squire, under the pretence of
moving out of the way of the scrimmage, lift up his foot and
give Newton a dexterous trip, which had the effect of pitch-
ing him off his balance, and causing him to measure his
length on the grass. The Squire moved away with a grin of
satisfied malice on his face. But the next moment, before
the grin had left his face, face and all disappeared within his
hat, and he got a blow under the ear that sent him spinning.
A dirty but powerful-looking fellow had ignominiously bon-
neted the Squire in the moment of his triumph, and then
deliberately knocked him, as the saying is, * out of time.'
' Hallo, 'ere ! wot's all this 'ere ? ' he shouted, as he sprung
256 NEWTON DOG VANE
in front of Newton, who was picking himself up slowly, Ned
at the same moment having disposed of one of the scamps,
who was aiming a dangerous blow at Newton's head with a
snuff-box stick. ' Hit 'em up, sir, they're all cocks that's
the way to do it,' and the sound of Mr. Tightner's knuckles,
for he it was, coming in disagreeable contact with another
opponent's eye, was plainly to be heard. ' Now then, ah
would you ? ' and down went another. Sir John Vasey here
came up, and the rout of the foes became general.
The crowd, whose sympathies had been divided, now de-
clared, as crowds usually do, with the victors.
* Duck 'em duck 'em ! '
* Ah ! so do,' shouted Mr. Tightner ; * this 'ere gent's a real
good gent, and no mistake, good to a cove when he's 'ard
up. That 'ere feller ain't nothin' but a blackguard,' and Mr.
Tightner pointed to a swellishly dressed, somewhat dishevelled
and dissipated young man, with a blue mark across his face,
who had been very active in the crowd, keeping himself out of
harm's way, but inciting Newton's foes to 'pay him out.'
' Stand on one side, Tightner,' said Newton, now once
more on his legs; and pushing Tightner on one side, he
sprang towards this individual, and whirling the lash of his
whip round his head, brought it with all his force down on
the head and shoulders of the unfortunate party.
* Oh, my eye's cut out,' roared the fellow.
'I won't leave a bit of you as big as a sixpence,' said
Newton, half mad with rage, and whack whack crack
came the whip, sometimes on one part, sometimes on another
head, shoulders, legs, all came in for their share. Dancing
and roaring with pain, at length he fairly took to his heels
and bolted. Newton was too much out of breath to follow
him, but tossing a sovereign amongst the crowd, sung out
* There's a sovereign for you duck him, boys ! '
* Hooroar ! Come along, my hearties ! '
And plunging into the crowd, Mr. Tightner and three-
fourths of it set off in chase of the unhappy delinquent.
c Hallo ! ' said Newton, as he caught sight of Squire
Driffield getting himself off ' why, surely he did not take
part against me ? '
' Only tripped you up, that's all.'
* T thought it was very odd, and could not make it out
how it was I went down so suddenly.'
THE RACES 257
' Oh, he did it, I assure you, and I saw it ; and better than
that, he was just grinning to himself over it, when your dirty
friend there dashed his hat over his eyes, and hit him under
the ear in the neatest way you ever saw.'
' Ah ! Tightner yes, to be sure where is he ? I want
to see him and thank him. Gad ! his assistance was rather
useful. 7
* Oh ! he's away with the crowd, pursuing yon unhappy
wretch, whom you towelled so frightfully; and now, what
was it all about ? '
* Why, you see, some of those disgusting women, who sing
those filthy songs, for which the pillory and stocks should be
the reward, struck up their bestialities close by us. In fact,
we could hear every word. I slipped down quietly and ordered
them away, threatening them with the police if they didn't
go. That person, who was with one or two others, thought
proper to say that they should stay, offered them half a sove-
reign to go on, which of course they did, worse than ever.
"Well, I was in a fearful rage, as you may suppose, but of course
I couldn't, I wouldn't have a row about it, and so I represented
as mildly as I could that there were ladies near, and that every
word could be heard in our carriage. Whereupon, turning his
head round, and staring insolently at your sisters, he applied
an epithet to them, for which no doubt he's sorry enough now.
Then, of course, there was nothing else for it. I cut him across
the face, collared and pulled him out of the carriage, when
those scoundrels hangers-on of the women, I suppose set
on me; and that's all.'
* Thanks, old fellow, thanks. I think I'll take a little
walk, in the hope of meeting that individual myself; and
what you've left of him shall account to me. But how came
the Squire there 1 '
* Oh ! I don't know. He happened to be in the neighbour-
hood, I suppose, and came up when the row commenced.'
They here joined their party, and nothing was said upon
the subject, as the greater part of the scrimmage was visible
from the carriage. Bessie looked excessively pale, and the
whole party seemed so much upset, that, ordering their
horses as soon as Captain Stevens rejoined them, he having
been away during the entire row, much to his grief, they left
the course, and started for home. Newton was rather stiff
from his fall, and having sprained his ankle slightly, he was
258 NEWTON DOGVANE
persuaded to take a seat in the carriage, and Sir John Yasey
very kindly rode his horse home.
And that ride, what shall be said of it ? Of course, Bessie
sat next to Newton. Yery little was said, but if looks, or
tones, or an involuntary pressure of hands (about which,
by-the-bye, Newton tormented himself all night ; it was so
very slight that he could not decide whether it was inten-
tional, or only accidental muscular motion) I say if they
could tell anything, they would say that if Bessie Bowers had
a heart, there was a soft place in it for Newton Dogvane, if he
only knew it. After seeing his sisters and their party off,
Ned sauntered slowly along down the course towards the
drag, which was at some distance. He was vowing ven-
geance against the fellow whom Newton had horsewhipped,
and wishing he might have the luck to fall in with him a
wish, however, which was not gratified when just as he
was passing between two carriages, he stopped suddenly.
Some one was speaking in the carriage behind which he was
standing, and the voice arrested his attention. He passed
through, and then walked easily by the carriage, a neat-
looking brougham, and glanced in. The occupants were a
lady and gentleman. The lady was quietly dressed, but
there was an unmistakable leaven about her, which told that
she was not exactly what she wished to appear. The gen-
tleman was a handsome-looking fellow, with an abundant
moustache and curling black beard and whiskers. * How
odd ! ' thought Ned. ' Well, I'm mistaken, I suppose, but I
could have sworn it was his voice, too/ The party had just
lunched, and were drinking champagne, clinking their glasses
together, and a very unmistakable look passed between them.
Ned passed on, hearing the sound of the gentleman's voice
again, as he did so; and he again seemed to pause. He
walked on, however, and presently came back once more on
the other side of the carriage, catching the eye of the driver
as he went by. The man touched his hat, and Ned remembered
his face ; he was the head man at a job-master's in London,
with whom he sometimes had a little dealing. Again he
glanced into the carriage. The gentleman's head was very
close to the lady's, and he was addressing some very confi-
dential remark to her, and she, thereupon, leant back in the
carriage, and laughed in a remarkably free and easy manner,
which left no doubt about her. The gentleman laughed too,
THE RACES 259
and then, just as Ned had passed the carriage, put his head
out of the window and looked down the course. Ned had
not passed more than a couple of yards, and turning round,
he stooped down to avoid observation, pretending to be
occupied with brushing a speck off dust of his trousers, look-
ing slily up as he did so, and as the gentleman's head was
turned sideways from him, he remarked a peculiar mole just
under the ear, upon the neck, by the top of the whisker.
Turning away, and drawing a long breath, he got out of
sight behind some carriages, and indulged in a hearty, but
silent, fit of laughter.
* Ha ! ha ! ha ! I thought I couldn't be mistaken. Ha !
ha ! ha ! what a joke, to be sure ! Well, wonders will
never cease. By Jove, it's the best thing I've heard of for
some time. Hang me, if it isn't. A moustache and a beard
too ! Lucky I know the driver.'
Then turning round, he shook his finger in the direction
of the carriage, and said, ' Take care take care what you
are up to, my friend, for I've got my thumb on you now,
and I'll keep it there.' And with another hearty laugh, he
continued his walk towards the drag.
The party were all assembled all in high spirits all
drinking champagne, claret-cup, and what not. All laugh-
ing, joking, and eating alternately, as is the fashion at races.
Carysford had made a goodish day of it so far, not intending
to tempt fortune further. Mr. Chilliwnn had made a bit of
a mess of his first attempt as a betting-man, being handy to
a couple of hundreds minus, which lay snugly reposing in
Mr. Carysford 's pocket. But what of that ? Dum vivimus
vivamus. l Mrs. Spelthorne, may I have the honour ? Made-
moiselle Julie, will you do me the favour ? ' and so forth.
The ladies ate Mr. Chilliwun's lunch, destroyed his confec-
tions, and drank up his choice wines most graciously. Ned,
of course, at once joined in the humour of the hour, and
soon became the life and soul of the party. The gallant
seventy-elevenths, hearty fellows, felt they were in for a
good thing, and did not regret the forsaken mess, but en-
joyed themselves to the fullest. Then they took a tour of
the course, and entered into the minor sports, and had a
little try at most of them, and snuff-boxes were smashed,
monkeys upset, cocoa-nuts broken, and pin-cushions sent
flying to any extent Mr. Chilliwun shining greatly by
260 NEWTON DOG VANE
hitting the proprietors on the shins, head, arms, anywhere,
in his abortive efforts. In fact, they did all the silly things
which people think it incumbent on them to do at races,
after which they betook themselves to their drag, and
the ladies not objecting to smoking, huge cigars were set
a-going, and so, with all sorts of practical little absurdities
on the road, they drove home.
CHAPTER XXVIL]
INCREASED DIGNITY OF THE DOGVANE FAMILY
' ONLY nineteen thousand five hundred pounds bid for eight
hundred and fifty acres of excellent arable and pasture land.
Gentlemen, really ! '
Mr. Smifty was selling a desirable freehold estate at the
auction mart.
* Really, gentlemen, really ! '
* Worked to death ' * smothered with couch ' ' wants re-
fencing' 'regular wilderness' 'wants a thousand pounds
and more laid out on it ' ' ah ! and one year's rent thrown off
'fore you'll get a tenant ' were some of the remarks which
emanated from various yeoman -like and squirish-looking gen-
tlemen who stood round.
' The finer the opportunity for the investment of capital,
gentlemen. Never was so fine an opportunity ; eight hundred
and fifty acres of arable and pasture land, gentlemen, and a
noble mansion.'
' With only two rooms in it fit to live in,' quoth a bystander.
'A noble mansion, gentlemen, and farmhouse contiguous.'
' With half a roof to it,' broke in the chorus again.
' Besides all which, gentlemen, those most picturesque ruins
known as Tmkerton Abbey standing within the grounds.'
' And quite in keeping with the rest of the property,' said
the chorus.
4 And forming a natural embellishment to a most charming
wilderness of '
DIGNITY OF THE DOGVANE FAMILY 261
* Brambles and briars,' continued the chorus, breaking in
at every opportunity.
'And a right of shooting over the Chickenweasle and
Sparrowgaff farms, amounting to several hundred acres more,
gentlemen.'
Chorus : ' There ain't a 'ead o' game on either of 'em.'
* A most desirable investment, and only nineteen thousand
five hundred pounds bid for it.'
' And quite enough, too,' &c. &c.
' A pack of hounds in the neighbourhood, with harriers
handy, and only nineteen thousand. Thank you, sir ! Nine-
teen thousand six hundred ; nineteen thousand seven hun-
dred thank you. Eight hundred thank you. Nineteen
thousand eight hundred ! A most desirable investment.
The most desirable investment likely to come before the
public in this mart for a long time to come, gentlemen. Land
is very scarce; exceedingly so. Nine hundred thank you,
sir. Nineteen thousand nine hundred. Really, gentlemen, it
is nothing, absolutely nothing for it. Remember the political
influence, gentlemen, such a property and establishment gives.
Quite a revenue, too, to be got out of the ruins, gentlemen.
Twenty thousand and one hundred. Thank you. Shall I
say one more, sir ? let me say one more, sir ? ' The bidder
gave a negative nod. ' Twenty thousand one hundred pounds.
Have you all done, gentlemen ? Twenty thousand one hun-
dred pounds once twice going for twenty thousand one
hundred pounds. I shall ask you three times, gentlemen,
when, if there is no other bidding, it must positively be sold.
Eight hundred and fifty acres of excellent arable and pasture
land, substantial mansion, farmhouse, and outbuildings, and
right of sporting over two farms, picturesque ruins and park-
like grounds, known as the Dingham estate, going for twenty
thousand one hundred pounds. Have you all done ? once ?
twice 1 thrice ? going gone ! The very cheapest lot I ever
had the pleasure I should say grief of selling. Purchaser's
name, if you please ? '
1 Dogvane,' was the reply.
* Wish you joy of your bargain, Mr. Dogvane,' quoth the
chorus. ' It'll cost you four thousand, at least, before you
go into it, sir,' &c.
' Never mind that, my friend,' was the answer. * The
money's here, and if I like, it's nothing to no one.'
262 NEWTON DOGVANE
1 Step in here, Mr. Dogvane ! ' and our hero's father, who
might now almost be considered a landed and estated gentle-
man, followed the auctioneer and his clerk into another room,
to bind and ratify the bargain.
It is almost needless to say, after this, that Mr. Dogvane
had retired from business ; and having been for some time
looking out for a desirable investment, as it is termed, had
had his attention especially called to this one by his son.
Squire Driffield's embarrassments had at length compelled the
sale of Dingham. He had been cast in a stiff law-suit against
the Rev. Cyril, which he had rashly plunged into, and this last
straw broke the camel's back, and he went literally smash.
Newton, for reasons peculiarly his own, desired Dingham.
It was just the thing his father wanted : it was just the thing
his mother wanted : it was just exactly the thing he wanted
near Crookham, and close to Dealmont, Sir John Vasey's.
The Baronet was a trump-card in Newton's hand. Sorry
though we are to say it, with him he trumped the trick, and
then, throwing the lead into his father's hand, won the game
in a canter. Mr. Dogvane, sen., who had heard of this iden-
tical property at Skipton's, but who always kept his own
counsel on such matters, went to the sale, determined to buy
Dingham, cost what it might, and another five or six thousand
would not have stopped him. Such a chance of becoming
friendly with a baronet might not occur again a house and
land might be picked up any day, but a baronet was another
affair ; and poor old Dogvane, mean old Dogvane, miserable
old Dogvane, thorough old English, toady, tuft-hunting, and
lick-spittle old Dogvane, would gladly have paid another
thousand or so for the honour of a baronet's acquaintance ;
while Mrs. Dogvane shook her head, and, though glowing
with intense delight inwardly, outwardly l hoped it mightn't
be pride.' As for Newton, he had gained his end, whatever
that might be, and of course he was satisfied ; while Ned was
boisterous in his delight. But repairs and improvements
were at once set about vigorously, and these Newton, by and
under the advice and superintendence of Uncle Crabb, saw
to himself ; while Mr. Dogvane, who was winding up matters
in town, came down occasionally and stumped about over his
estate with a thick stick, which he would dig into the ground
here and there, and turning it up, saying, * There's your
soil, sir. Ever see such mould, sir? Now, I don't want
DIGNITY OF THE DOG VANE FAMILY 263
to brag, but don't you think it was a monstrously cheap
bargain ? '
It was evident that he was in a great state of delight with
his investment, and was never tired of expatiating on it.
Newton had got him to appoint a brother-in-law of Mr. Bun-
comb's as his farm-bailiff and overseer, the farmhouse and
buildings having been put into speedy repair for him ; and
under his skilful superintendence the estate soon began to
wear a new aspect. Tidy, well- trimmed hedges took the place
of great straggling hedgerows. The fields began to look
clean, and like fields that were well cared for, and where the
farmer was to be considered as well as the sportsman ; and
everything as regarded the farm appeared to go on advan-
tageously. But the grounds were Newton's chief delight
the house the gardens the ruins. His father wanted to
have a grand gentleman of taste from London, a prospect-
gardener, and who was recommended to him by a retired
friend, and who would speedily have made a Rosherville of
Dingham. But Newton combated the idea so strongly
promising that, if his father would only leave it to him first,
he would do all that was necessary, and if he did not like it
when it was done, then his father could have his friend down
and alter it that he at length yielded, and Newton had the
house and grounds to himself. Then came a season of charm-
ing excitement to Charlotte and Bessie. How they drove
over to Dingham, and walked about, and planned, and altered,
and chopped, and planted Newton begging that they would
assist him with their taste, pretending not to have a grain
of his own. How the slightest hint of Bessie's was found in
a day or two realised to the utmost, and how Bessie's cheek
would glow with pleasure as some fresh view some new
contrivance or tasteful alteration, originally suggested by
herself (she really had excellent taste), suddenly broke upon
her, and was pronounced by all an immense improvement.
O Newton ! Newton ! had you lived to the age of Methuselah,
you couldn't have learnt the art of flattery better.
Then the ruins, the remains of a window, two columns, and
an odd wall or two, half covered with ivy, and hidden by
brambles and briars, had to be brought out. Accordingly the
brambles and briars were mercilessly exterminated, and an
extensive fernery planted in their place ; while rough, rude,
and rustic seats, sometimes a stump or log of a tree, sometimes
264 NE WTON DOG VANE
a moss- covered rock or so, were cleared out here and there
in unobtrusive spots ; and behind the ruins, a little brawling,
noisy rivulet was coaxed into forming a rattling, brattling,
quasi-important cascade, with huge stones, creepers, &c.
Nature was very little disturbed, and yet in two months it
wasn't the same place. A piece of turf was left just extensive
enough for a picnic party, a hollow was dug out behind the
cascade to serve for a wine-cooler; and a cave and a fire-
place, &c. &c., were also established. Now and then Captain
Stevens would walk over when he was at Crookham, which
was not often now, for he was expecting his route shortly.
He gave Newton many useful hints, however, when he did
come. Mr. Dogvane, on looking over the repairs and im-
provements from time to time, was quite satisfied, and Mrs.
Dogvane wondered how and where her Newton acquired the
taste and management to work such wonderful alterations
and improvements with so much success. There was one
good point in Newton's character, and that was a most
advantageous one in the present instance he was not above
learning or asking questions of any one ; and one way and
the other, he picked up a good deal of useful information in
small things. Thus, the further he went on with his task, the
more ready and clear-sighted he became at every little emer-
gency. The repairs, &c., were all finished, and then came the
furnishing of the house ; and here both Mr. and Mrs. Dog-
vane would have a word in the arrangements. Mrs. Dogvane
wanted it all very fine and splendid, and all covered up closely ;
and Mr. Dogvane wanted it all very plain and substantial,
and not covered up at all. Newton had a deal of trouble at
times to reconcile such opposite opinions; but still, using
freely the good taste of Charlotte and Bessie, and occasionally
the Captain's and Uncle Crabb's, he would take upon him-
self to furnish a room, approximating as nearly as might be
to both tastes, without offending either; and if it did not
entirely satisfy at first, they soon got accustomed to it, until,
owing to Newton's constantly taking the lead in these small
matters, and their own want of any knowledge or judg-
ment on them, his father and mother gradually left it all
to him.
At length, by the time spring was fully advanced, the house
was in a sufficient state of progress to receive them ; they had
to make a few shifts of course, and there was still a great deal
DIGNITY OF THE DOGVANE FAMILY. 265
to do one way and another. A gardener had already been
some time in his place. Mrs. Dogvane, whose ambition at
present knew no higher flight, would needs have a boy in
buttons, who waited at table and broke things, and drove her
out in a species of twelve-dozen hamper, called a basket pony-
chair. A perfect imp of mischief was this lad, whose patro-
nymic was Waggle, how he obtained it no one could tell ;
all the parish called him Waggle, and he would not answer to
any other name, and not often to that, much to the disgust
of Mrs. Dogvane, who made a struggle to have him called
'the page' and 'Alexander,' having a fancy for that name.
But on hearing Uncle Crabb address him as Buttons, and
Mr. Dogvane call him ' Alec,' she gave it up even Waggle
she thought an improvement on that.
The demon of mischief had undoubtedly entered into the
soul of Master Waggle, and for some time there was hardly
a thing about the premises which did not bear some trace of
his peculiar idiosyncrasy ; until at length, on going into the
kitchen-garden one day being attracted to the spot by a
considerable outcry Newton found the youth hanging on to
the gardener in mortal conflict, kicking, biting, scratching,
and howling enough for any ten lads of his age. He had
broken three pots of favourite plants in the conservatory,
where he had no business whatever, for which act the gar-
dener took summary vengeance with the handle of a rake.
Newton took him by the shoulder, and, in spite of his
struggles and outcries, put him out of the front gate, and
threatened him with condign punishment if he dared to come
within it again. Of course, there was a pettifogging attorney
handy, and of course an action was the consequence. Of
course, the verdict was ' served him right,' and, of course,
Mr. Dogvane had to pay a smart bill of costs on both sides.
Henceforth they resolved on a respectable coachman and a
brougham ; and Newton was deputed to acquire the necessary
concomitants to such a high and mighty state and Mrs. Dog-
vane's importance dilated accordingly and Newton, having
had enough of dealing with gentlemen horse-dealers, went to
a professional, and was only robbed, instead of being both
robbed and cheated. The right of shooting extended over
two or three neighbouring farms, and had some tolerable
covers attached; and finding that the poachers had begun
to be pretty busy round about him, Newton bethought him
266 NEWTON DOG VANE
that a keeper would be necessary to complete their arrange-
ments, and mentioned it to Mr. Dogvane. Now, in all Mr.
Dogvane's wildest dreams of country life, his imagination had
never ventured to soar to the dignity of having a real, live
gamekeeper of his own; and it took some four-and-twenty
hours to realise the grandeur of such a proposal and situation.
Having duly considered it, however, he decided upon the
necessity of one, and gave Newton the orders for putting one
on forthwith. Nothing which had yet been done gave the
good gentleman half so much importance and magnificence
in his own eyes, and he spoke of ' Our gamekeeper ' ' My
keeper, sir ' and ' The keeper ' as if it were a phrase giving
such pleasure to the tongue that it could not be sufficiently
often repeated ; and when his first assess-paper came in, he
logged him down in all the dignity of his office, and looked
upon the tax-paper as a sort of patent of nobility and magni-
ficence, and asked from fifty to a hundred retired and semi-
retired sporting-friends to shoofc with him the very next
September, all of whom promised ' to give him a look in and
smash a covey or two.'
' Whatever you do,' said Uncle Crabb to Newton, whilst
Newton was considering about a keeper, 'don't have one
from the neighbourhood. It's all very well their knowing
the land, the covers, and the poachers, and so forth ; but any
man of ordinary intelligence will find all that out in a month ;
and you may depend that a man who has no connection in
the place will be ten to one more likely to do you justice
than any of these skulking vagabonds about here, who are
all poachers in heart, and who'd be sure to rob you if you
tried to make a keeper of any of them. Again, whenever
you do engage a keeper, allow him his beer, and make him
have it in in the cask in his own house, and never forgive
him if you catch him in the public-house. I've known many
a good cover half -stripped by one band of poachers while the
keeper has been made drunk and helpless in a public-house
by another. "Don't allow any perquisites. If you have
rabbits, keep them, or give them away to the farmers and
labourers ; it will conciliate them, and keep them very often
from habits of helping themselves a habit which, once con-
tracted, soon creates a confusion in their zoological know-
ledge, so that they become unable to tell a rabbit from a
bare; and a still further confusion soon takes place, till tlu-y
DIGNITY OF THE DOGVANB FAMILY 267
really can't tell feathers from fur; and if this is the case
with labourers, it is apt to be occasionally much worse with
keepers, who have far greater opportunities, and temptation
always at hand. Besides which, when the rabbits are the
keeper's perquisite, they often encourage them most unduly,
and all sorts of heartburnings and jealousies spring up in
consequence. Give a good reward for the capture of poachers;
but don't give head-money for vermin, unless you wish to
pay for every stoat, weasel, rat, cat, hedgehog, jay, magpie,
crow, and hawk your keeper, and his satellites and friends,
can collect for you far and near. It's the keeper's business
to trap vermin ; so see that he brings you a fair quantity,
and nails them up, a terror to all evil-doers ; and if he won't
do it without extra -pay, start him and get another. By the
way, I've heard some folks say that hedgehogs don't do any
harm to game. I can only say that I've Jmown them to eat
full-grown partridges.* If any one doubts a hedgehog's
capability to do so, let him look at the formidable array of
grinders an old boar shows, and then doubt it if he likes. I
have known nest after nest spoilt in the most mysterious
way, and cats, weasels, &c., blamed for it. But I feel sure
that, from my having found a great number of hedgehogs in
the neighbourhood immediately after, that they had at least
their share in the mischief. So kill 'em by all means, and,
what's more, eat 'em they're delicious.'
And Newton thought the advice so good that he deter-
mined to follow it all but the hedgehog-eating, at least.
Whilst he was thinking over it an idea struck him, and he
hastened off to London to put it into effect. Four o'clock
on the next afternoon found him in St. Giles, groping up a
dark staircase.
* A very cut-throat-looking place this ! ' said Newton to
himself, as he toiled up the flight of filthy, rickety stairs,
which threatened every moment to give way beneath his
tread, and precipitate him into some dark unfathomable gulf
below. Up, up creak, creak he met something alive,
crawling down-stairs like some gigantic spider down the wall
of a cellar.
* I say, my lad, which is Tightner's crib ? '
* Numberless well-authenticated instances of hedgehogs, caught in
flayrante, destroying poultry, partridges, and even pheasants, have set
this once moot-question at rest.
268 NEWTON DOGVANE
Hardly were the words out of his mouth, when the thing,
which looked like a bundle of rags, seemed to become sud-
denly animated, and turning round, it fled up the stairs
with astonishing rapidity. Wondering at this, Newton
quickened his own pace to a run, as if in pursuit. Arriving
at the landing-place, he saw the ragged figure of a boy,
kicking and shaking at a door, and calling out to some one
within, * Daddy ! daddy ! Here's a ' But before he
had time to finish his intended warning Newton had hkn
by the arm.
'What did you run away for, lad? Be quiet, I don't
want to hurt you.' But the child threw himself upon his
back, and kicked, bit, and fought like a little fury.
' Leave go of I. What do 'ee want wi' daddy ? '
There was a growl from a dog within, which changed to a
slight yelp, as if some one had kicked it. In the midst of
all this the door opened, and there stood a miserable gaunt-
looking man, with nothing but a ragged pair of trousers and
a tattered shirt on. Newton could hardly recognise the
Tightner of yore (whose neatly-laced ankle- jacks and ribbed
cotton stockings were, next to his kennel, his pride) in the
cadaverous wretch before him. Mr. Tightner started back
at the sight of Newton, and, pulling the lad off the ground
by one hand, he gave him a cuff on the side of the head
with the other, which sent him into a corner, where he
cowered and howled.
* Now, then, &c. &c., stop that row, you Billy.' And
Billy, whom Newton now got a good sight of for the first
time, and who might have been of any age from eight to
fifteen, subsided into chokes and sniffs. The room was a
filthy attic, containing a broken stool by way of furniture,
some dirty straw in one corner, on which crouched another
bundle of rags, shivering and moaning ; an old blind bull-
dog sat opposite the poor creature, with its sightless eyes
turned towards him, occasionally licking the thin hand that
rested on his head. * Don't 'ee be frightened, Tommy. He
shall have some bread and butter soon.' . But the idiot only
crouched the closer, shivering violently. ' Poor critter ! ' said
Mr. Tightner, ' that 'ore's the 'ardest to bear on it all, mister,
to set and see 'im a shivering there;' and Mr. Tightner
arranged the straw, and patted the child kindly, seeking to
soothe its fear. Whilst he was engaged in this, Newton
DIGNITY OF THE DOGVANE FAMILY 269
had turned to the recumbent Billy, and pulling out half-a-
crown, gave it to him, making a signal for him to fetch
something to eat and drink a signal Billy was wonderfully
quick in understanding and seizing the coin, he vanished
from the room before his father had turned round.
* Rather low-water mark, eh, Tightner ? '
' Regler dead low, sir/ said Tightner, in a weak, dispirited
tone, as he sat feebly down en the window-seat ; ' can't be
much lower, sir, without bein' knocked out o' time, sir.'
Mr. Tightner's story it is unnecessary to enlarge on. He
had been trying his hand at getting an honest living since
he had last seen Newton, and had got, instead of it, an honest
starving. Mrs. Tightner's weakness had increased, until a
few days before, in a state of delirium tremens, after a fit of
rather longer drunkenness than usual, she had either fallen
or thrown herself out of window.
' The sight o' her, sir, a layin' there,' said Mr. Tightner,
' smashed, with her 'ead druv into her stummick, sir. It was
so 'orrid, sir oh, so awful 'orrid ! I never think I could see
anythink 'alf so 'orrid. I was frightened to death o' nights,
and woke up screamin', I did, sir, dreadful bad. And when
I mind what she was when I married her as pooty, light-
alive a gal as you'd hever wish to clap heyes on, ah dear !
And when I think as she tooked to gin-drinkin' from me, sir,
and she a innocent country gal, too, and this is wot come
of it all, I felt as if I'd a been her murderer,' and he burst into
a violent fit of choking sobs. After a minute he checked
them, however. ' That's just wot I felt, sir, and and d'ye
think I raily was her murderer, sir 1 ' And the man trembled
in a perfect frenzy of anxiety and weakness, as he waited
hungrily and eagerly for Newton's answer. Newton gradu-
ally calmed him with a few words; and as Master Billy
returned at this moment with a pot of beer, a loaf, a lump
of cheese, and some stony-looking sausages the contents of
which we will not seek to pry into, for they were twopence a
pound, and the worst meat was eightpence, Newton would
not let him speak a word more until the greater part of the
viands had disappeared.
' I suppose, then, you have given up gin, Tightner,' said
Newton, after watching the disappearance of the food with
satisfaction.
* If the hocean was full on it, sir, I'd never go within a
270 NEWTON DOG VANE
'undred miles on it. Never, never ! It 'ud kill me pison
me. If ever I touch another drop, may I rot till '
But Newton stopped him.
' That'll do. And I suppose you're tired of dog-fancying
too?'
To this also Mr. Tightner returned a suitable reply. To
shorten the matter, Newton, finding that Tightner understood
the care and breeding of game, and, of course, was thoroughly
acquainted with everything appertaining to dogs, vermin, &c.,
and thinking that he was sufficiently beaten down by misery
to have attained a turning-point, announced to him his in-
tention of making him his keeper, ' if he liked the situation,
and thought himself fit for it.'
' Why, sir,' said Tightner, ' that's the werry line I started
life in, but got among the dorg-fightin' and fancyin', and in
the warmint line, and a bad line it is ; and many's the time,
arter I took up the fancy, I wished myself back again ; but
who'd a 'ad me ? It was a doner with me ; the werry bobbies
knowed me. And now I've got the chance agin, sir, why, if
tryin' to be honest, sir, and to do my dooty by you, sir, witch
a hangel vith vings at this minit couldn't be no kinder, nor
no savinger of a cove as was just goin' right away to the
werry bad the downright bad, sir, and no mistake about it.
Ififif '
But Mr. Tightner couldn't go on ; his gratitude got into
his throat and choked him, and he relieved himself by look-*
ing out of window, and ' darning them cats as wos always
a scratch in' the tiles off on to a cove's head.'
Newton got up, and putting some money on the table, said,
as he was about to go
' Well, then, Tightner, I shall expect to see you, bag and
baggage, at Dingham the day after to-morrow. There's a
cottage ready furnished for you, with a bit of garden behind.
Clear out of this as soon as you can. Get what you require
for yourself and these youngsters, make yourself decent, and
get away out of London without delay. Poor little fellow ! '
and Newton walked over towards the idiot, who, his hunger
having been appeased, seemed quieter and more composed.
As Newton approached him, the old bull-dog growled
savagely.
'Now then, old Jack, ain't you got no manners? This
'ere's a friend d'ye hear ? a friend.' The old dog turned his
A COURSE TO BE REPROBATED 271
sightless head towards his master, pricked forward his stumps
of ears, wagging his tail slowly.
' Shake hands, Jack d'ye hear ? a friend ; ' and the dog,
raising his head slowly, with a peculiar snuff, which caused
him to show a triangular portion of his front teeth, held
out his paw. ' Take it, sir, and he'll never forgit you,' said
Tightner, as he patted his head.
Newton took hold of the dog's paw.
' Bye, bye, old Jack ; you and I will be great friends soon.'
The dog licked his hand; and, as Newton dropped his
paw, turned once more towards his charge; and Newton,
after a few more directions to Tightner, took his way down
the creaking stairs.
CHAPTER XXVIII.
A COURSE TO BE REPROBATED
HAVING settled our friends in their new house, we must once
again look back.
One day, while engaged in superintending the careful
transplanting of some violets and sundries to a shady bank
by an old moss-covered stone, which formed a seat near the
cascade, Newton saw Ned riding towards him. By the way,
Newton had had the brambles, &c., cleared away from that
very stone a few days before, because Bessie had said 'it
would make a nice seat ; ' and was now having the violets,
&c., transplanted, because she had, on her next visit, hap-
pened to remark that 'that bank ought to be a flowery
bank,' and that ' violets, cowslips, primroses, snowdrops, and
so forth would very much improve it.'
' I say, old fellow, what are you going to do to-morrow ? '
asked Ned, after the first greeting was over.
1 Why, I thought of trying to see what I can do towards
making a kind of hanging garden just under that east
window. It was an idea that struck me the other day,
and I '
272 NEWTON DOGVANE
'Why, that's what Bess has been mad about some
Chinese or Japanese bosh or other which she's picked up
somewhere.' (Really, we almost feel inclined to remonstrate
with one of our own characters for the above speech so very
inconsiderate eh, young ladies 1 Besides * Bess ! Mad ! !
Bosh ! ! ! ' Confound such vulgar, brotherly familiarity.)
Newton hemmed, and trowelled away at a violet assidu-
ously, with a very decided increase of colour.
* But come, old fellow bother your hanging gardens ; I
want you to go to Tagmuffin Coursing Meeting.
* I should like to go very much ; but really my hands are
so full here just now, that I can't spare even half a day.
You must excuse me.'
' But I won't excuse you. Besides, what are the girls to
do ? I said I'd no doubt you'd drive them, as I was going to
ride, and I can't have them left on my hands.'
This was, as the reader will allow, a very different light
in which to view the matter very much so. The ladies
(pray remark the plural number, all you whom it may con-
cern, of whichever sex) the ladies had talked of planning
a hanging garden, or something of that description, on the
next day, ' as Mr. Dogvane so very much desired that sort
of thing, and really did not know how it ought to be done.'
They now, it appeared, talked of going coursing and it
was astonishing the very heavy amount of weighty business
which stood over forthwith.
' Oh ! I'm sure I but you see ' (not liking to come to
all at once. Remark the extreme care we always take in
guarding those sensitive little feelings and points, keeping
up as a fiction to ourselves what is fact to all the rest of the
world). Mr. Newton Dogvane was, as we have shown, in
love, very much in love, with Miss Bessie Bowers; and
Bessie with him ; and yet Bessie and Newton wouldn't have
allowed any one to suppose that they knew it, or that they
were anything in the world to each other but very pleasant
acquaintances almost brother and sister, in fact (to the
outward world) upon any consideration. And even now,
Newton would almost sooner have stayed at home, and
despoiled, nay, torn himself from a day's extreme enjoyment
* with the object of his,' <fec. <fec. (but never mind all that),
than have seen a smile of detection come over Ned's coun-
tenance, in consequence of his (Newton's) coming round too
A COURSE TO BE REPROBATED 273
soon, or biting at the proffered bait too eagerly. What a
curious thing human nature is ! what a wondrous scheme
of apparent paradoxes and contradictions !
'Well but you see why don't you drive them your-
self?'
It was Ned's turn to colour and hesitate now.
< Why ahem ! I the fact is ' (a man very often says
' the fact is ' when he wants to sail very close to telling a fib
without telling one) 'the fact is, that ah ! I thought of
riding your roan mare, and I thought it would be a capital
opportunity of steadying her at her fences. She rushes a
little too much, and only wants a careful hand and practice ;
so I thought I'd come and speak to you, and you could drive
Sir John Yasey's phaeton. Sir John's one of the committee,
you know, and he's obliged to ride, and has put the phaeton
at our disposal ; or, if you don't like to drive, why, Uncle
Crabb will go inside, and Shackel will go with you on the
box. I don't see how things could be better.'
Nor, in truth, did Mr. Dogvane; so, after pro-ing and
con-ing to a decent extent, he came round to the agreement,
as if he really was going a little against his inclination, but
didn't mind obliging. Pleasant hypocrisy ! Of course, he
didn't suppose that any one could imagine that he went
because he liked the ladies' society.
Accordingly, on the morrow, at nine o'clock (Newton had
been awake and watching the weather since about five),
Newton found himself at Mr. Bowers's breakfast -table, and,
in due time, on the box of Sir John's phaeton, with a hand-
some, well-behaved pair of bright bays before him, and the
two prettiest girls in the whole country-side behind him. He
drove a part of the way. They had to go about sixteen or
seventeen miles, but finding that he could not turn round to
converse, and that Uncle Crabb had all the conversation
to himself, he handed the reins to the servant, and edging
round on his elbow, just so as he could comfortably command
Charlotte's bonnet but Bessie's face, he commenced conversa-
tion, and chatted away at his ease till they reached Tagmuffin
Park, where the meeting was held.
Tagmuffin Park was a magnificent domain of several
thousand acres. The noble owner, third Earl of Doncaster,
was a great agricultural and sporting patron. A fine old
country gentleman, he patronised the sports of the country
274 NEWTON DOG VANE
to a considerable extent. The Earl of Doncaster was. an un-
common nobleman. He had the extreme audacity to think
for himself, and not to pin his faith in politics (though he
was not unknown in politics either), religion, or anything
else of moment on any particular party. * England,' as he
said, ' was party enough for him.' Her welfare and honour
was all he cared about, and he refused to be jammed into
any round or square party-hole whatever. He road all
sorts of recondite political literature, and bored his friends
with harangues on the right of search, and once in the Lords
he made a long speech on the progress of Russia, and the
will of Peter the Great, when Lord Palmsoap moved the pre-
vious question.
Lord Tagmuffin, eldest son of the Earl of Doncaster, was
very fond of coursing, and placed the park at the disposal of
the public once a year. To this meeting coursers and dogs
came from far and near. It was rather a grand affair, with
cups to be run for, and a second day to run off the ties on,
&c. &c. As they rode through the grand gates of Tagmuffin
Park, over which stood, carved in stone, the arms of the
Doncaster family (three muffins gules, surmounted by a race-
horse rampant, with two gentlemen clothed in large calves,
and nothing else, and bearing each a toasting fork very
appropriately for .supporters), they saw in the distance a
crowd comprised of beaters, flags, horsemen, footmen, car-
riages, dogs, &c. &c., and towards this they steered.
The card of the sport showed three stakes to be run for
the Doncaster Plate, a thirty-two dog stake ; the Tagmuffin
Cup, also for thirty-two dogs ; and the Puppy Purse, a
sixteen-dog puppy stake. There was Mr. Smith's Slasher
against Mr. Brown's Crasher; Mr. John's Smasher against
Mr. Robinson's Dasher; Mr. Green's Miss Lucy against Mr.
Thompson's Miss Nancy ; and Mr. Muggins's Idiot Boy,
Idiot Lad, Idiot Lass, Idiot Girl, and Idiot Female Mr.
Muggins seemed partial to St. Luke's. Besides these, there
was Mr. Boskey's Bell, Bet, Bess, Bee, and Blister; Mr.
Cross's Crack, Claw, Crow, Chase, and Chizzle; Mr. Dog-
berry's Duck, Dew, Death, and Desperation; and so on
through the alphabet. Most of the kennels seemed regularly
lettered and ticketed.
And now the business of the day begins in sober earnest-
ness. The crowd moves slowly onward over the turf.
A COURSE TO BE REPROBATED 275
Slasher and Crasher are in the slips ; they are both black
dogs : Slasher carries the red collar and Crasher the white ;
and solemnly still the procession moves onward. There had
been a little joking and laughing, but the greater part of the
crowd are quiet enough now. The flagsmen look particu-
larly magnificent, and drop their flag- sticks on the toes of
the crowd. When a halt is called a beater points out a
hare in her form. Poor puss ! she is hardly certain yet
what all this unwonted crowd means, and she anxiously
watches it from her form. A dog drops a yelp, and her
back and ears seem to collapse and sink almost out of sight.
A beater approaches, and the next moment she is up and
away.
* She's every inch a hare/ says a bystander; 'now for it.'
A terrific uproar of dogs, straining, tearing, and howling,
like the dogs of hell let loose, only they're not let loose.
Very small grooms are pulled over by their charges; but
they hang on to them like grim death, for they know that
they will have to pay half a sovereign for a let-go, inde-
pendent of the disgrace of the thing.
Slasher and Crasher strain at the leash. * Off,' says the
judge, and away they go. It is a fine sight as the dogs go
almost as if they were still coupled, and the judge's red coat
glances like a meteor beside them. 'Two to one, Slasher's
first up.' ' Done with you, sir. If ever he's first up, I'll
eat him.' ' Which ? the dog or the hare ? ' ' Both, by Jingo.'
' There, Slasher fetches her ; I told you so. Two half-crowns
of you, sir. There's a go-by.' ' Go-by be bio wed ; why, they
ain't never fetched her at all yet ; and as for Slasher fetchin'
a 'are, why, he can't fetch a hayrick, leave alone a 'are.'
* Keep back, gents, you must keep back.' Flagsmen wroth.
* Now they turn her. Bravo red collar.' ' Bravo white,
you mean.' ' No, I don't red wins. Three to two, red
wins.' 'There's a wrench/ 'There's a go-by for white.
White's doing all the work.' ' Go 'long with you ; what do
you know about it ? Why, the 'are served him.' ' Keep
back there. Back, you, sir ; shove that chap's 'ead into his
vesket-pocket, Jim.' Flags facetious. 'Red wins! Red
wins ! ' ' Red's a doing all the work ! ' ' Five to four on
red six to four on red seven to four on red two to .one
on red done with you.' 'Done, done.' 'How much in?'
' Half crowns ' ' crowns ' ' pounds.' ' Keep back, can't ye
276 NEWTON DOGVANE
hear ? &c. You &c.'s keep back/ Flags furious. ' White's
in again white's a doin' it now bravo.' * My heye, there's
a wrench, and there's another white wins.' 'There's a kill
a kill with merit.' * No, it ain't.' * Yes, it is.' Crasher
wins, for a hundred I told ye so there's the white flag.'
1 Now, you might as well keep back ; you'll see better.' Flags
desponding. 'Hooroar!' 'I'll draw of you, sir' 'And
vou, sir' 'And me, sir.' 'That gent with the white hat.'
' Him with the drab coat.' ' Who are ye looking for, Bill 1 '
' Why, a cheeky fellow with a wall-eye 1 ' ' Where's that
cove with the wide-awake, who laid me two to one 1 ' ' Here
you are, sir.' 'Jones!' 'Thank you.' Thus a confused
Babel of tongues ran on during every course.
Course follows course in rapid succession ; sometimes the
hares are killed, and sometimes they get away. Crasher is
disposed of, and Dasher is disposed of, and likewise Miss
Nancy and some of the Insane family, and the B's, C's, and
D's, &c., are now undergoing the same process. Newton
enjoys the whole thing amazingly, for the day is moderately
fine, and the fun and chaff going on is not bad he appre-
ciates it ; the crowd is sensible that ladies' ears and ladies'
eves are there, and though boisterous, are neither blasphemous
or bestial. Charlotte and Bessie are very much delighted
too. Uncle Crabb stalks about grimly amongst the crowd,
and examines the dogs with a critical eye, and growls at the
judge for a puppy 'A donkey, sir, who can't ride to the
dogs any more than an old apple-woman ; ' and when Crack
was declared to beat Bell, and Uncle Crabb lost half a sove-
reign on it 'Why, Bell did all the work down in that
hollow ; while the judge was actually riding behind the hill,
or through the wood, or elsewhere, and couldn't see a bit of
it. He a judge ! I'd make a better judge out of a barber's
apprentice, or I'd hang him from his own pole.'
Uncle Crabb growls at the judge everybody growls at
the judge except a wide-awake few, who know the pedi-
grees, performances, condition, and weight * of nearly every
* The non-coursing reader may stare at the word " weight ; " hut (I"-*
should be weighed in the scale to a pound, and their working \v. iu'ht :is
carefully ascertained and noted as that of a prize-fighter or pedestrian
is. Half a pound or a pound too much flesh on a dog will lose him ;i
stake ; and a pound and a half or two pounds renders him useless for
some time.
A COURSE TO BE REPROBATED 277
dog in the field; and they knew well enough that it was
only the losers who grumbled ; while they, as they pocketed
the half-crowns, crowns, and pounds, were quite satisfied
that ' nothing could be fairer than his decisions.' Coursing
judges come in for a larger share of grumbling than most
men. But. as a class, though few in number, their characters
stand usually above suspicion. Indeed, it is naturally so,
because their employment depends on their fairness. To be
sure, we have heard of a coursing judge who was not quite
scrupulous, and who was, on an occasion, asked to decide a
match. The match came on, and off, and the judge un-
decided it. Up marched one of the owners in great dudgeon
to the judge, and, as soon as he could get a word aside with
him, said, in a tone of great vexation, * Why, what the
deuce made you undecide it, 'Arry 1 Didn't I send you as
fine a haunch of mutton as ever you put your teeth in last
night ?
'You did, my boy,' quoth the judge; 'but so did he/
nodding towards the other opponent, who was displaying
equal anxiety for a word with the judge ' so did he, and I
weighed 'em both this morning, and, if you'll believe me,
there wasn't a pound difference between 'em either way so
what could I do ? '
As a general rule, perhaps, the less judges mix with the
company at the meetings they have to preside at the better.
For a judge, unknown to himself almost, may imbibe a pre-
judice over the dinner-table, and, with every desire to act
fairly, may be influenced by his feelings, without knowing
that he is so at any rate, people are apt to think so. Bess
and Crow were in the slips, when Newton, looking into the
distance, saw a lady and two gentlemen on horseback, and
riding towards the crowd. As they drew nearer, he recog-
nised his own roan mare, with Ned on her back. The lady
was Mrs. Spelthorne, and the other gentleman Carysford.
' Ha ! ' thought Newton, ' no wonder the roan wanted
riding, and he couldn't drive. Here comes Ned, with
Mrs. Spelthorne and Mr. Carysford,' he continued, aloud,
to the sisters. ' Now, the question is, will you be intro-
duced or not ? I don't much like her, I confess, but that
is nothing. Ned will want to introduce her, so you had
better give the point half a minute's consideration while
they ride towards us.'
278 NEWTON DOGVANB
1 Oh ! I don't know ; really, I think I'd rather not. What
do you think, Charlotte ? ' asked Bessie.
* Why, not just at present, dear. I think we may as well
put it off until she has been a little longer in the neighbour-
hood, and we know more of her.'
Ned came riding towards them in a quick trot, and offered,
as Newton anticipated, to do the introduction ; and in a
sisterly way Ned was advised that he had better let it
stand over for the present. Carysford and the lady rode by.
She favoured the sisters with a stare, acknowledged New-
ton's bow ; and after having chatted with his sisters a few
moments, Ned rode after her, rather piqued at what he
termed ' his sisters' starchiness.'
The dogs were off, and Newton saw Mrs. Spelthorne turn
her horse's head towards them, and skim away over the turf
like a bird, followed by the gentlemen. How well she rode,
how gracefully she sat, her pliant figure accommodating itself
instinctively to every motion of the well-bred animal she
rode. In a few minutes they were out of sight. This was
an extraordinary course in every way. The hare was an
extremely good, stout hare ; and for a long way she beat the
dogs, and they could not fetch her at all. The judge was
riding to the dogs, with one or two other gentlemen follow-
ing him ; and in the rear of all came Mrs. Spelthorne,
Carysford, and Ned.
At last the dogs came up, and suddenly the hare bolted
into a little spinney, or rather narrow belt of plantation.
The trees were too thick to ride through, and as the dogs
were close on the hare, in all probability they would come
out the other side ; and there was an opening some fifty
or a hundred yards to the right, and a stiff fence to the left.
The judge took for the opening, in order to ride round to
the other side ; and his followers all took the same direction,
except Mrs. Spelthorne and her followers. The fence seemed
to Mrs. Spelthorne a sort of challenge, which the other
gentlemen had shirked, so she settled herself firmly, and
went at it. Her horse took it like a cat, and cleared it
neatly, and Carysford and Ned followed. But while the
judge was working round to the other side of the plantation,
puss popped back again on the same side she had entered,
and took the dogs straight away, almost without a turn, in
another direction ; and thus the judge was completely tlmm n
A COURSE TO BE REPROBATED 279
out, and the only people left to ride to the dogs were Mrs.
Spelthorne, Carysford, and Ned ; one other gentleman cut
in afterwards, but after a smart gallop he soon tailed off.
Away went the hare, and away went the dogs. There was
hardly any working, it was all racing.
There was no love lost between Ned and Carysford, of
course. Ned hated Carysford, because he looked upon him
as a rival as regarded the Spelthorne. He would, if he
could, cut him out in anything, whilst Carysford plumed
himself on his jockey and steeplechase reputation, and hated
to be out-ridden or outdone in anything where horses were
concerned. And Ned had youth, weight, and boldness in
his favour, and, moreover, did not ride badly, and was as
well if not better mounted than Carysford; besides, being
in love, he would have rushed at a ten-foot wall for a kind
smile from the lady, who an admirable horsewoman her-
self, was something of a judge of others could appreciate
good riding. Accordingly they took leap for leap, and raced
with one another. The spirit of contest grew hot between
them. Carysford's brow lowered at finding how the young
one stuck to him.
1 Curse the young fool ! I wish he'd break his neck,' he
muttered through his closed teeth.
Ned's eye brightened, his nostrils dilated, and his young
lips were firmly closed, with an air of desperate determina-
tion. And when he caught a glimpse of the face he loved
turned towards him with a smile of approval at some daring
leap well got over, he felt as if he could ride to perdition, if
she'd only lead the way.
Suddenly Carysford rose slightly in his stirrups, and
looked around.
' I thought I knew it,' he said to himself. Then he looked
carefully ahead, and shouted to Mrs. Spelthorne, who was
still leading.
* Hold hard ; there's a chalk-pit there.'
Mrs. Spelthorne just caught sight of it in time. It was
the remains of an old one, half hidden by bushes ; a rotten
rail was its only protection. The part they were coming to
was a sort of a bight, scooped out, as it were, from one side
of the pit ; at the mouth it was some twenty or twenty-five
feet wide, and about the same depth it narrowed, however,
to perhaps a dozen on the right hand. It was towards this
280 NEWTON DOGVANE
part Mrs. Spelthorne swerved, and with a sharp cut, she
sprang over, lightly enough. Not so poor Ned, who was
riding on her left a little behind, and in front of Carysford,
who had pulled up.
1 Come on ! ' shouted Ned, with a fierce joy in his eye at
the idea of his rival's want of pluck being brought out under
his mistress's eye. * Come on, if you dare.'
'Break your neck, and be hanged, if you will do it,'
growled Carysford.
Ned rushed at the widest part, which lay straight before
him. It was madness, as his horse was considerably blown.
He felt himself going. There was a scramble, and down
they went, horse and man crash !
Mrs. Spelthorne was off her horse in an instant. Carys-
ford turned as pale as death and looked on silently. She
scrambled down amongst the bushes, calling him, 'Teddy,
Teddy dear little Teddy! Good God! he's killed!' and
she turned fiercely towards Carysford,, who stood on the
brink of the chasm, looking down into it. * This is all your
doing, you idiot you fool ; ' and she shook her clenched
hand at him. ' If he's dead, you shall rue it. Why do you
stand there looking on ] Come down and lend assistance.
The horse is dead/
Carysford came grumblingly down 'Don't be a fool,
Poll'
' A fool ! ' repeated the lady ; < I've been a fool all my life,
but never so great a fool as when I contracted a friendship
for you. Thank heaven, he's not dead only stunned. A
little water, perhaps, will revive him. Undo his neckcloth,
and hand me your spirit-flask I know you never move
without one,' she said, with an accent of slight contempt.
' There ! that'll do. His arm hangs helpless ; how long it
seems ! I hope and trust it is not broken. Get up to the
top again, and see if you can see any one, and let them fetch
a hurdle and carry him to the carriage on it his sisters are
there, and they will take care of him.'
Carysford did as he was bid, and in a few minutes the
judge and the field swept by. Assistance was lent, and,
partly recovered, but still dizzy from the effects of the fall,
he was borne to the carriage. It was soon ascertained that
no bones were broken; his left shoulder was badly dislo-
cated, and he was otherwise severely bruised ; still, under
A COURSE TO BE REPROBATED 281
the careful nursing of his mother and sisters, a few days
brought him round wonderfully. The dislocation was well
and fortunately reduced, and brown paper and vinegar, until
he looked, as Uncle Crabb said, ' like a big brown-paper
parcel,' backed by a young and good constitution, did the
rest. The horse, however, a young and handsome roan mare,
three parts blood, and which Newton had given a long price
for, broke her neck in the fall. Mrs. Spelthorne was con-
stant in her inquiries, and ' Mrs. Spelthorne's compliments,
and would be glad to know how Mr. Edward is to-day,' was
better than all the doctors to Ned.
But we must return to the course, which, after the acci-
dent, was pursued by the hare and dogs unattended. Eeach-
ing the park palings, the hare slipped through a hole, and
the dogs topped the palings together. Out on the downs,
she raced them straight away. She could not get away from
the dogs, and the dogs could not catch her, strength and speed
seemed so evenly balanced ; and the course continued thus
for a long, long way. The field and the judge lost them
entirely, and never saw them again ; nor were they heard of
until two days after, when the dogs were found dead, one
about ten or twelve yards" in advance of the other, and the
hare cold and stiff, within three yards of the foremost dog ;
the head of the dog being extended, almost as if he was in
the act of throwing at her at the moment of death. They
killed her, but they couldn't catch her.*
CHAPTER XXIX.
A PLOT ACCOMPLISHED
* THE Chief has sent down this document to be copied. Be
so good as to get it done at once, Mr. Cheelliwun, if ye
please, as it is to be transmeetted this evening.' And Mr.
* The above smacks of the marvellous ; but a course with a very
similar result was witnessed by a gentleman of my acquaintance, some
years ago, on the Leatherhead Downs. AUTHOR'S NOTE.
282 NEWTON DOGVANB
Jamieson, who was the head over Mr. Chilliwun's department,
placed a formidable-looking official document into his hands.
The greater part of Mr. Chilliwun's ten thousand pounds
had rapidly melted into thin air during his leave and the
few weeks subsequent to it ; he had returned once more to
quill-driving at the Redundancy, as he termed it. He had,
however, since his recess, received a step up in his office,
and was now second. Another gentleman, a quiet youth,
one Mr. Markin, from the room below, having taken his
place in due order.
'Going to dinner, eh?' asked Mr. Chilli wun.
Mr. Jamieson nodded, and assumed his hat and stick.
* What an odd fellow you are to dine so early ! '
' It just agrees with me, Mr. Cheelliwun, and I like it.'
And Mr. Jamieson, who was a methodical Scotchman,
went out, saying
1 Ye'll just have that ready against my return.'
' I'll do it at once,' and seizing his pen, he began to
transcribe rapidly.
Mr. Chilliwun wrote a good, clear, clerkly hand most
stupid people do, somehow and he was deep in his work,
when there came a tap at the door.
Mr. Chilliwun looked up.
* Come in ! ' and a lady, deeply veiled and handsomely
dressed, stood in the doorway.
4 Oh ! eh ! how de do ? take a seat, pray ! Mr. Markin,
may I trouble you to take that note yourself up to the Tape-
and-wax office, and to wait for an answer,' and Mr. Chilliwun
hastily enclosed a paper in an envelope and gave it to Mr.
Markin, who took it forthwith and departed.
The lady then threw up her veil, and displayed the lovely
features of Madame Petrovich.
' I am here again, you see.'
* It's very kind oh ! it's so kind of you, I'm sure, to
come here so often. You can't think how I long to see
you, and it is so kind, you know. But why can't I see you
of an evening oftener ? '
' My friend, my dear friend 1 may I call you that ? '
' Oh ! you know you may you know all my that is, you
know what I mean you know, eh ! now don't you ? ' Mr.
Chilliwun gave a sickly half-smile, which was meant to
express, and no doubt did, extreme tenderness.
A PLOT ACCOMPLISHED 283
* I cannot see you in the evening, T am so closely occupied,
and you would not deprive me of the pleasure of these few
stolen moments,' and with a gentle, passing caress, she
stroked the hair from off his forehead with her hand,
advancing close to his chair as she did so, and glancing over
his shoulder at the papers on the table. She turned slightly
pale as she saw them.
' Oh ! thank you ! really ! what a dear creechur you are,
you know.'
' But now, I must not interfere with business, you know,
I have a great fureur in what you call business, though I
know nothing of it, my dearest friend, nothing ; and I desire
you to rise to the head of your department, and after that
to eminence. Thus you must continue, for I will not speak
a word until it is done. You have a letter to write,' and
again she glanced shrewdly for a moment at the papers, as
if scanning their import. 'What letise matter you write
here,' and she put her finger on the paper and laughed ;
* see, (reading), is it not grave folly ? But hasten, make an
end, for I must talk to you; sit down and write I will
wait patiently there ! ' and she half pressed him into the
chair. * Hasten now, or your master, with the frightful
Scotch name, will return, or that youth gone out may inter-
rupt us.'
'Not they,' said Mr. Chilli wun, obediently resuming his
pen. ' Markin likes to go out on a message, and never hurries
himself, and Jamieson won't be back this hour. He's always
an hour and a half at his dinner.'
' Ah ! ' said Petrovich.
' Funny, isn't it ? a fellow with his prospects and all that,
dining in the middle of the day at two o'clock, you know.
That's not the way we do it," and he paused in his work.
' Ah ! continuez. My time is short, and you would de-
prive me of a portion of these happy moments no, hasten ! '
and she walked to the window, and looked out. There was
a cab pacing slowly up and down on the other side of the
street, and upon it her regards were fixed a man was
seated in it, and was looking up at the window. She
glanced round at Mr. Chilliwun, who was now once more
deep in his work, stole a look up at the clock, and then,
looking towards the cab, nodded slightly and left the window.
The cab passed on slowly a short distance, and then returned,
284 NEWTON DOG VANE
again, and so again. But she stood apparently scanning
an almanack, and glancing alternately from the clock to
Mr. Chilliwun ; and as minute stole on after minute, she
appeared to grow uneasy, and cast a look or two of such
impatient scorn and hatred at Mr. Chilliwun, that it was
well he did not encounter them.
At length he gave a deep sigh as of relief, dotted the last
t, crossed the last t, and scattering powder over the wet ink,
pushed the papers aside, saying
* There ! that confounded job is finished. Heigho ! what
a life it is isn't if? So different from the jolly times we
had a month or two ago ; ' and taking the papers, he shovelled
them into his desk and locked it. As he was doing so,
Madame Petrovich moved from before the almanack, paused
before the window, and passed her hand twice across her face,
as she did so. The cab turned towards the door.
* And now, dearest creechur, we can talk for half an hour
or so without any chance of interruption ; ' and as she sat
down, Mr. Chilliwun came and sat beside her, and placing his
arm round her delicate waist, would have offered her a clumsy
caress, but she drew back slightly, saying jestingly
' Ah ! I fear you not yet not yet.'
1 Ton my soul now ! it's cruel of you to keep me like this
me, who adores you beyond anything me, who would
jump into the Thames for you. 7
1 Ah ! my friend dearest friend we shall see and judge
if you would do that.'
' No, now ; but 'pon my word 'pon my soul, you know,
you must just ' and he was about to repeat the effort when
a knock came at the door.
* Hang it ! who's that ? ' and he moved hastily away, as
Madame Petrovich drew down her heavy veil again.
* Please, sir,' said a porter, entering, ' there's a gentleman
below in a cab, who wants particularly to see you directly.'
'Well, show him into the next room, James. Bother
it, you know there's always something or another happen-
ing to worry and interrupt one,' he said aside to Madame
Petrovich.
* The gentleman said he couldn't come up, sir would you
please to go down ? it's very particular here's the card.'
* Carysford, eh ? ' said Mr. Chilliwun, in surprise ' what
can he want ? '
A PLOT ACCOMPLISHED 285
<Ah! I remember yes I know he has something im-
portant he mentioned it to me. Go, see him I think he
has a sprain of the foot. Poor fellow ! he cannot surmount
the stair,' and she continued in a lower whisper, * It is no
matter, this interview you can see me this evening instead,
at Clarges Street. Now hasten, but say not to him /am here.'
1 Very well, James, I'll come immediately ; ' and James
was about to go, when she said in an undertone to Mr.
Chilliwun, * You leave me here ! pray do not let any one
see me here. Have a care of my reputation. It is not
pleasant to be looked on by a stranger. Lock the door till
you return to me.'
' Don't be alarmed ; I'll take care of all that ; ' and hastily
writing on a card, ' Gone out back in ten minutes,' he drew
the key from his desk and put it in his pocket, hung the
placard on the outside of the door, locked it on the outside,
put that key in his pocket, too, and descended to his friend
Mr. Carysford. Left alone, Madame walked to the window,
and saw Mr. Chilliwun, after a minute or two, step into the
cab, which immediately drew across to the other side of the
way, and commenced slowly moving up and down, as it
had done previously. What Mr. Carysford's business with
Mr. Chilliwun was, matters not ; it detained him for about
twenty minutes.
On leaving the window, Madame, who was now deadly
pale, swept her veil from her face, and placing her hand in
her bosom, drew forth a bright new key ; applying it to the
lock of Mr. Chilliwun's desk, she turned it, and the lock
yielded with a sharp click, that shot through the now silent
room so harshly, that she paused a moment, and looked
round fearfully. Again she glanced at the clock, stepped
to the door and listened a moment ; all was still. Satisfied
and reassured, she returned to the desk, threw open the lid,
and grasping the papers just deposited within by Mr. Chil-
liwun, she took them out, placed them on the table, and
spreading them before her, scanned their contents hastily,
her face growing dark and darker as she did so. She
turned the page, struck the paper fiercely with her small,
white, clenched hand, and then hastily opening a small
reticule which she carried, took from its contents a little
bottle, a camel-hair brush, and a bit of sponge, and deposited
them on the table beside her. Taking then the original
286 NEWTON DOGVANE
draft, she sat down, drew the stopper from the bottle, and
dipping the brush into the liquid contained in it, carefully
passed the brush over a word or two. Then taking the
sponge, pressed it upon the spot, and on removing it, all
trace of ink had disappeared. Next she brought from the
small bag a little square match-box, and taking off the lid,
struck a match, and held it under the lid until the metal
was sufficiently heated, when she applied it to the paper
long enough to dry it thoroughly. Taking next a pen, she
carefully wrote a word or two in the blank space, imitating
the handwriting cb merveille. Then reading it over, she
powdered it carefully and set it aside. She then drew the
duplicate copy towards her, and proceeded with it in exactly
the same manner, most successfully; and was just about to
write in the words, when a step sounded on the landing, and
some one advanced to the door and took hold of the handle.
She rose hastily, ghastly pale, with her lips apart, showing
her gleaming white teeth, her large eyes distended with
vivid terror ; and scarce suppressing a scream, she gazed
upon the handle of the door. It turned twice, and then
was still. The door had not yielded, and she heard the
person, whoever it was, read the placard, grumblingly turn
away and go clump clump clump up-stairs, until the sound
of his footsteps died away on the upper storey.
Her heart beat wildly, fearfully. She heard every stroke
plainly, and each one seemed as if it would burst her bosom.
The pen had fallen from her hand and left a large blot upon
the paper. She took up the pen, but her hand trembled so,
that she could hardly hold it, and she laid it by, and once
more had recourse to her bag ; and uncorking a small silver
flask, she applied it to her mouth, and drained it of its
contents. Instantly she became calm again, her courage
returned, and she set herself to the task of repairing her
mishap. She blotted out the ink-stain, erased it with the
fluid, dried the spot as before, and finally, carefully and
precisely filled in the gaps, as in the former paper. Then
powdering the ink, and seeing that all was finished, she
replaced the papers in the desk as she had found them ;
locked it ; returned the key to its resting-place ; gathered up
her materials. The forgery was complete. The point which
had engaged her attention for weeks was accomplished.
After looking round the room to see that all was in its
A PLOT ACCOMPLISHED 287
place, and nothing forgotten, with a haughty, scornful smile,
with the colour once more in her cheek, she walked to the
window, looked out once more, passed her hand twice across
her face, then sat down, and opening a book, rested her
brow upon her hand, as if absorbed in reading. In a few
minutes Mr. Chilli wun returned, looking rather perplexed
and vexed.
' Hang it, you know ! What a long-winded feller that
Carysford is thought I should never get away. But now,
I say, dearest creechur now, I say, won't you can't you
just, eh ? '
She rose.
' Ah ! wicked one ! What would you ? You have been
long away hours years. I must go from you; but re-
member to-night, J and stooping her face as he sat, she kissed
him lightly on the brow, saying, * You are a veritable ange,
and you have earned it. Your friends return directly, and
they must not find me here. Au revoir. To-night ! You
must not come. I know the passage, and I must go unseen.
Carysford or some one may meet us. No, no, again, au
revoir.' And once more letting down her veil, she dis-
appeared, while Mr. Ohilliwun threw himself back in his
chair- in a tumultuous rapture of delight.
' A veritable ange ! Oh, by Jove, that's strong for her,
you know. A veritable ange / Oh, it's all up with her at
last ; and oh ! if she only will won't we be jolly 1 But
here's old Jamieson coming. I'll just go and have five
minutes now in the Park, and smoke a weed to shake myself
together a bit.' Mr. Jamieson entered as Mr. Chilliwun
was taking the papers from his desk.
' Oh, ye've finished the draft eh, Mr. Cheeliwun ? '
1 Ah ! there it is, all right a regular specimen of my
handwriting, after six lessons by Stiggins, or whatever his
name is, who does those thingumbobs. I say, if you don't
want me, I'll just run out for ten minutes not more.'
And taking silence for consent, he put on his hat and swag-
gered down-stairs as if he were treading on air.
Mr. Jamieson slowly glanced down the duplicate copy,
rubbed his eyes, looked again.
' 'Deed, there's some error, a thenk,' and he referred to the
original draught.
' No it's very curious I must e'en ha'e been deceived.
288 NEWTON DOGVANE
Ah, weel, a must ha'e been thenkin of something else, a
suppose/ and he slowly enclosed the duplicate in a huge
official envelope, and sealed it with the office seal
CHAPTER XXX.
THE OUTWARD BOUND
WAR, which had been long threatening, at length broke
out. The invasion of Turkey had been followed up by the
massacre of Sinope, during which, as the Blue Books show,
our best energies were employed in pinioning our ally with
a species of fetter called ' moral support,' and holding him.
down while his enemy tried to kick him. But it would not
do. Our ally got a little free at last, and began thrashing
his and our foe very handsomely, as Citate, Oltenitza, Silis-
tria, and other minor engagements, which took place about
and subsequently to that period, abundantly show.
Englishmen, as they always do, when talking what they
call foreign politics, talked in leading-strings the solemn
twaddle which was put into their mouths by certain news-
papers, which were supposed to write on authority. All sorts
of absurdities were advanced, asserted, and asseverated with
the vehemence of utter ignorance.
It was a great time for the gossips, who amounted to
pretty nearly the whole of the nation outside the diploma-
tic circle, who kept silence, or, if they talked, misled their
hearers ; for diplomacy is merely the science of lying. Evrry
mail gave the gobernouches a delicious disaster or a new
phrase. Never was there such a feast of phrases. What a
curious sensation would he not have felt, could a philosopher
from some other sphere have been suddenly plunged nmonirst.
us, and heard the self-sufficient so-called politician (though
what a politician is, I'm sure I don't know, unless every
man be a politician) roll off his tongue with intense rc'li>li,
Jike a boy with a new toy, the latest acquisition in the shape
of ultimatums, material guarantees, moral supports, occupa-
tions, interventions, armed neutralities, &c. &C,
THE OUTWARD BOUND 289
They took several lessons in geography, too, from distin-
guished foreigners, who, of course, did not fail to charge pretty
heavily for those lessons ; and the map-makers prospered.
But very few could be said to know anything really of either
Russia or Turkey. The incidents of the great campaign of
only twenty- five years previous were as utterly forgotten
or ignored as if they had never occurred, and the nation at
large was getting up the subject by reading shilling * Scampers
through Constantinople,' eighteenpenny 'Marches to Moscow,'
and two-shilling 'Pilgrimages to Petersburg,' and that style
of literature which the modern English rejoice in ; and all
sorts of absurdities were promulgated and believed in con-
sequence. The enemy of Turkey had styled her ' the sick
man ; ' he knew well the value of that phrase. We jumped
at it, and swallowed it as a child does comfits, and in so doing
lent ourselves to the design of its contriver, which of course
was the eventual making of the man sick. The first and
manifest result of this dose was : ' What chance has Turkey
with Russia, sir ? Good Ged, sir ! why, Russia can eat
her. Look at her hunderd million thousand troops, sir ! '
' Demme, sir ! Poland and 'Ungary, sir.' ' Odesser and
Sebasterpool, sir. Rule Britannia ! We'll go and help her,
sir. We'll teach the Russian bear to pitch into our ally.
Wait till our fleet gets there. Blow the Czar out of water,
sir.' ' Aldiboronti-fosti-forni-ostikos, abracadabara, gammon
and spinnach, hullabaloo ' and so forth.
Undoubtedly there was a hatred of Russia, but it was a
blind and indiscriminating hatred on the part of the people,
and an understanding and agreement with her on the part of
their rulers. There was also pity for Turkey, and a desire
to help her against her foe ; but it was not guided nor tem-
pered by any real knowledge either of our own power or how
we could best help her. There was therefore no difficulty
whatever in misleading us. False lights and will-o'-the-wisps
were exhibited, and we walked into the bog like lambs, and
attacked Russia just when she was most desirous we should,
while we left her alone when we could have seriously crippled
her.
However, as we have before said, in spite of our holding
them down and keeping them back, in spite of the valuable
assistance we gave the Turks at Sinope, the Turks began
thrashing the Russians in the most handsome and workman-
T
290 NEWTON DOGVANE
like manner. This wouldn't do at all. They couldn't be
allowed to go on thrashing our enemy like this, we must
afford them moral support that was the phrase employed.
1 The presence of our troops would animate them would
inspire them.' So war was declared at last, and our troops
were sent boldly at once to Gallipoli, where they would be
at the farthest possible point from the scene of action, and
the French constructed fortifications, although there was no
enemy there, nor any probability of one, save, it might be,
Turkey herself ; and this was called defending Constantinople
from Russia which it might very properly have been, if the
Russians could have been expected, by any means, to attack
Constantinople from the Mediterranean. But this being
purely a geographical question, was unworthy of considera-
tion. Still the Turks thrashed the Russians, and there was
a greater need than ever of moral support. So, having found
out which was the most unwholesome town in Turkey, and
then which was the most unwholesome locality about the
unwholesome town, and above all, which was the deadliest
spot in all that unwholesome locality, we administered a
strong dose of moral support, by sending the army there,
and encamping the choicest of our troops on the deadliest
spot, possibly by way of showing the Russians what British
troops could endure.
In spite of the depressing nature of such moral support
as this from their ally, the Turks drove the Russians out of
the Principalities ; and by a further grand exertion of moral
support, they were prevented from following up the defeat
and completing the noble wreath of laurels their valour and
patriotism had gained ; and the whole fruits of the campaign,
from solid gains were turned into Dead Sea fruits, and moral
power gained a complete victory, as the beaten Russians
marched away unmolested and in good order for the Crimea ;
where, having been carefully reorganised and strengthened,
we had to fight them over again.
At this period of the war, Captain Stevens's regiment
received orders for Cork ; and finding nothing ready to take
them at Cork, they remained kicking their heels there for
a week or two, when they were ordered to Liverpool, and
arrived there minus the greater part of their baggage and
some of their horses, which, coming by some other way,
never arrived at all; after which, having passed another
THE OUTV/ARD BOUND 291
week or two doing nothing at Liverpool, they were hurried
off for Southampton, where, after a further period of delay,
they had a steamer allotted to them.
The Guards had marched out of London, and their Queen,
in common with hundreds of her sex, had wept over them.
The Line had marched too. Hands were shaken, and if
hearts beat quickly and eyes were wet, yet was there a high
feeling of military enthusiasm in every breast. The City
clerk or apprentice shouldered his stick or his yard measure,
and burned with military fire. Rifle-clubs innumerable were
planned and proposed ; regiments were sketched out ; private
gentlemen, retired officers, and noblemen offered to raise
them some at their own cost, and some at a very small
expense.
The Government not only refused all these offers of assis-
tance, but actually snubbed those who offered them. At
least twenty regiments of volunteers picked men might
have been raised ; and those who offered to raise them, and
who, in years gone by, would have received all honours and
titles for doing so, had the cold shoulder turned to them, and
saw a Foreign Legion Bill hurried through the legislature.
They saw, moreover, honours and titles conferred on those
who did nothing, and on those who did far worse than
nothing, and the patronage of the Court misdirected by the
Government. They saw this followed up by the awful, the
terrible, the horrible winter before Sebastopol where the
^heroic British army was destroyed and buried.
It is convenient enough, probably, to call these deeds mis-
takes. Was Sinope a mistake ? Was Devna a mistake ?
Was Sebastopol a mistake ? The sham-blockades mistakes ?
The Baltic campaigns mistakes ? The White Sea humbug
a mistake ? Was the Petropaulovski villainy, where a British
admiral shot himself to avoid dishonour, a mistake ? Was
Kars fatal Kars where the Turks were at length ' calmed
by a defeat ' a mistake ? And, lastly, the deadly blow to
our naval power, dealt in the yielding up of the Bight of
Search, was that, too, a mistake ?
If so, then there is in the world no such thing as crime
no such thing as principle no such thing as punish-
ment. It is all a mistake. A burglary is a mistake, a
murder is a mistake, and felonies of all kinds are henceforth
mistakes ?
292 NEWTON DOG VANE
Our indignation, however, has run us to the extreme end
of its tether ; and to continue repeating what all English-
men don't wish to know or desire to forget, is mere hammer-
ing upon a cold anvil.
There was a great bustle in the streets of Southampton.
Troop after troop of cavalry rode slowly through the town,
with flags flying and music playing ; many an eye was bright,
since dim and dead many a strong heart beat bravely, that
is now still and pulseless. Through the old Bar, with its
quaint lions and flags, filed troop after troop, tramp-tramp
over the stones, with the music echoing from wall to wall,
from house to house. Bold and noble faces were turned
from side to side, nodding to friends they might see no more ;
and over all rang the hearty cheering of those they were
leaving at home. Sturdy and grimy forms ran beside the
horses.
'Good-bye, Jack.' ' Good-bye, Joe.'' Good-bye.' ' Good-
bye.' 'Keep up your pecker, Tom, and write soon.' 'All
right, old fellow.' 'Give it to the &c. &c. &c. Russians,
Bill.' 'Tell Molly I'll send her a line by the first mail.
And I say, Ned, tell her there's tenpence left at Old Shearer's
towards Billy's new trousers.' ' Kiss the boy, Bet.' ' Good-
bye ! good-bye ! hurrah ! hurrah.' Tan-ta-ra-ra went the
trumpets, rattle-brattle went the drums, and the houses,
streets, and alleys rang again. Handkerchiefs waved by
scores and hundreds, and cheers and tears were intermingled
freely.
They reached the quay at last. All the vessels not about
to sail immediately were crowded with spectators. One
after the other, the horses were got on board. The men
followed, the last adieu was spoken, and the last cheer came
faintly over the water, as the hoarse monster puffed and
panted away with its cargo of warriors, full of human hopes
and fears. The last handkerchief is waved, and nought but
the smoke of the far-distant vessel, hanging like a lowering
fate upon the air, could be seen.
'Don't cry, dear. Think how beautiful and noble he
looked, riding out to battle for his Queen, his country, his
right, and his honour. Think of his return, covered with
the decorations his valour and prowess have won and he
will win them.'
* Ah, Bessie ! you are too sanguine ; he may never return
THE OUTWARD BOUND 293
again ; ' and a burst of tears followed, as Charlotte hid her
face in her younger sister's bosom.
' Hope for the best, love, and trust in Heaven to guard
him. It is his duty to go, and you would not have him
forfeit it.'
' No, no, no, dearest ; I could not love him as I do if he
did.'
'There, then, there;' and nursing her elder sister as if
she were a little child, Bessie soothed and encouraged her,
as the carriage rolled slowly back along the now almost
deserted streets.
They had come to Southampton with Uncle Crabb and
Ned to see Captain Stevens off. And he went with a swell-
ing heart, for he loved Charlotte dearly, very dearly; all
his fine nature, and the feelings of his noble heart and it
was a noble heart were compressed into his passion. He
thought not of what lay before him ; he had a soldier's care-
lessness as to what might be his own fate. But all his
thoughts were on her he left behind ; and at that moment
he had no room for any other, but stood looking towards the
shore, where he had seen her last, long, long after it was
out of sight.
From time to time they heard of him and from him ; his
name was mentioned in the papers. He was in the terrible
battle of Balaklava, and with his comrades swept through
the Russian cavalry like a thunderbolt, cutting through and
through it as though men and horses were but thin shocks
of corn. With two sweeps of his practised and powerful
arm, one Russian dragoon fell reeling from his saddle, and
the head of another was almost severed from his- body.
They were nearly surrounded at one moment, but again they
wheeled and charged; and coming too closely in contact
with an officer, whom he supposed to be the colonel of the
dragoons, to use his sword effectually, he struck him from
his horse, stunned with one straightforward blow from the
hilt of his sword. They were given up for lost, so great
were the odds against them, but in a few seconds they again
appeared, driving the discomfited Russians over the plain,
broken and routed before them in all directions. This was
the only action his regiment was engaged in during the war ;
but, nevertheless, as a volunteer, he bore his share at Inker-
man, and took on himself other hazards and duties not
294 NEWTON DOG VANE
perhaps strictly necessary ; but he was not a man to be idle
in his profession when others were employed, if he could
help it.
How anxiously his letters were looked for at Crookham
by the sisters, it need not be said.
'Thank Heaven, he is still well and unwounded, dear,'
Charlotte would say, after glancing down the just- received
letter when she would hurry away to read it fully again
and again by herself. They were to have been married, had
not the war 'broken out' (or rather, 'crawled out' of the
slime which engendered it). But he could not sacrifice his
duty to his feelings so the ceremony was perforce delayed
until his return home.
Meantime, Ned had recovered, and all went on at Crook-
ham much as usual. Mr. Dogvane had given a grand house-
warming dinner, and Mrs. Dogvane's 'ear did seriously
incline' to Mr. Sharp and his sisters, and the Reverend
Cyril Courtenay might be seen now and then at Dingham.
All this, of course, was intensely annoying to Newton,
who detested the Reverend Cyril with a fervent detestation ;
and yet he was in a measure forced upon him. He saw him
installed at Dingham through the weakness of his mother.
He saw him gradually, in spite of Uncle Crabb's dislike, and
the general feeling of disfavour upon the part of others of
the family, gradually creeping in and feeling his way care-
fully amongst the inmates of Crookham. The fact was, no
one liked to grieve Bessie, who, although she did not exactly
like him, had so great a reverence for his office, that she at
first bore with him ; and the Reverend Cyril was not a man
to neglect his opportunities, but took every method of con-
ciliating and smoothing away, as far as lay in his<power, the
difficulties he met with.
Bessie met him about at several of his old pensioners, to
whom he seemed kind, and she became accustomed to him
after a time. They had few visitors, and he knew how to
suit his conversation to every one ; he knew exactly how to
interest them ; no one could doubt but he was an able tac-
tician. Mrs. Bowers, by habit and association, and through
love for her children, gradually softened to him. Charlotte
was just in the frame of mind which led her to long for some
sort of sympathy, for some one to talk cheeringly to her upon
the matters she best liked to hear. The Reverend Cyril had
THE OUTWARD BOUND 295
travelled in the East, and so his conversation and anecdote,
&c., became by degrees amusing, and something to be looked
for in that dull time, even by Mr. Bowers. Oh ! he knew
well how to natter, how to soothe and interest. No one
better; and what surprised them the most was, that he
seldom or never referred in any way to his calling or his
objects therein. No, no : he was far too cunning for that ; it
was only when Bessie would sometimes refer some point or
scruple to him that he had an opportunity of doing that ;
and even then he did it so reasonably, and so without any
appearance of pushing his own peculiar views, that no one
could find fault with him, and by degrees the family began
to think they had entirely mistaken their man.
All this was completely maddening to Newton, who
knew not where to have him, he was so circumspect; and
consequently his dislike and antagonism, apparently so un-
reasonable, with a slight ebullition of temper, always beau-
tifully managed by his clever foe to Newton's disfavour and
his own advantage, only made things worse.
Once or twice Newton spoke to Ned on the matter, who
only replied, with an incomprehensible chuckle
* Oh ! never mind. Let him alone let him alone. He'll
begin to show his claws by-and-bye ; it isn't in the cat's
nature to keep them long concealed, and then I'll fix his
flint for him.'
But this did not suit Newton. He would have preferred
extracting the Reverend Cyril's claws himself before he had
an opportunity of showing them ; but it was useless, and one
day, when he had been almost bearish to him, Bessie was
so sharp and haughty about it, Mr. Bowers mildly remon-
strating with him as well, that he went home in a woeful
state of mind, and tried to stay away a whole week, but
failed, and having occupied an entire night and part of a
day in proving that he ought not to go, and wouldn't go, he
got up and went the next morning with a message (which he
artfully extracted from his mother) to Mrs. Bowers. And
when Bessie showed an inclination to give him a little oppor-
tunity of reconciliation and peace-making, he perversely
declined, with a forced laugh, the very thing he had come
over to effect, and had been scheming how to bring about for
two whole days two dismal, wretched days and then went
home to be miserable for two more.
296 NEWTON DOGVANE
Meantime the Reverend held his ground firmly and for-
tified it strongly. He was looked upon now (with the ex-
ception of Uncle Crabb) by the whole family as a regular
and friendly visitor ; then as an adviser and mentor ; and at
length the little difficulties of each were accustomed to be
referred to him, and then from one thing to another he went
on, until he became quite an authority in the house. And
it was ' the Reverend Cyril says this, and the Reverend Cyril
says that and he advises this, that, and the other, or, I'll
ask Mr. Courtenay when he comes ! ' and so on. And finally,
the least shadow of religious disquisition somehow crept in.
Uncle Crabb grinned and slapped his thigh when he heard
the first faint breath of it. But he grew troubled when he
saw a species of shadow creeping over the spirits of the once
happy family. There was a something he could hardly
analyse it which he knew was the Reverend Cyril's doing,
and which somehow checked the free, open, joyous inter-
course of old, and he began to get very uneasy at it.
Ned had always kept out of the Reverend Cyril's way as
much as possible; but he saw that Bessie was becoming
unhappy, and looked pale, dispirited, and anxious. This
wouldn't do at all ; the whole family seemed changing. It
must be stopped. A crisis must come, and it came.
Mr. Bowers had never in any way interfered with his son's
amusements, and, provided his expenditure was not too lavish,
put but little check upon it. But of late he began to look
unpleasantly close into both. Not that he was parsimo-
nious, but he had got it into his head somehow that it was
not right, and must be stopped and one day he refused him
a cheque.
Ned had drawn rather freely of late, and his father began
questioning him rather closely about a certain lady we are
acquainted with.
Ned flushed up.
The Reverend Courtenay was sitting on the lawn, just
outside the window, pretending to read a book, but glancing
in at father and son.
* May I ask, sir,' said Ned to his father, ' who told you
that I was making these presents, with any such objects,
with regard to the lady you speak of ? '
' I a I am not. sir, a at liberty to inform you nor a
do I recognise the right of a son to question his father,
THE OUTWARD BOUND 297
sir,' stammered the old gentleman, who felt he was not quite
in a right position.
' My dear father,' said Ned, 'pray do not imagine I should
dream of asking it as a right far from it. I ask it as a
favour. You, surely, will give me your authority ? '
* I that is no, I cannot,' answered his father, rather
moved.
* No matter ; I know perfectly well who he is,' he replied,
as he caught a glimpse of the Reverend Cyril's countenance
looking in at the window over the top of his book with a
grim smile. * But I would rather have had the confirmation
of it from your own lips. No matter. Now to deal with this
nameless slanderer;' and he turned towards the window,
and threw it open.
I Ned ! Ned ! What are you about ? '
But Ned had slipped out, and walking up to the Reverend
Cyril, he said, briefly and haughtily
' A word with you, sir.'
The Rev. Cyril saw from his face that it was no trifling
matter, and Ned would not be denied; so he rose and
walked with him in the direction of the shrubbery. As
they were proceeding to it, they met and passed Newton.
Ned nodded shortly to him, and Newton stood transfixed
with amaze for a moment. A few minutes afterwards, he
heard Ned's voice gradually rising, and caught his final
words.
' And if you do not leave this parish within the week, sir,
I will publish it all over the county, and will take the
proper steps for laying the matter before your bishop. I
don't know that I have any right to let you off as it is;
however, the fault is mine. But you have your choice, and
thank your stars that you have your choice. And now be
so good as to retire by that gate, and not to show your face
in this house again.'
Newton was walking out of earshot, when he saw the
Rev. Cyril sneaking, rather chapfallen and undignifiedly,
out of the gate. A few moments after Ned joined Newton.
I 1 say,' quoth Ned, ' doesn't the air seem clearer ? What
a change six weeks has made in the house under that
fellow's management; but, thanks be, he is gone, and I
have started him.'
' So I heard ; but how ? Whence your magic influence ] '
298 NEWTON DOG VANE
' Never mind I promised him I wouldn't divulge it to a
soul. Ah ! ' continued Ned, half to himself, 'people should
be very careful of their doings when they have moles under
their ears, and they should square the driver when they hire
a job brougham. But never mind.'
This, of course, was mystery to Newton ; possibly it may
be to the reader. One thing was very certain the Rev. Cyril
came not to Mr. Bowers' again, and, in spite of the most
curious questioning on the part of the family, who soon
recovered their old ways and looks again when the cause of
their change was removed, Ned kept his secret religiously ;
whilst the Rev. Cyril, giving up the cure of souls in the plural,
applied himself to the cure of his own singular soul, and went
on a visit to a distant cousin in Wales for a twelvemonth or
so. Accordingly another filled his place, and although as
thick a veil as could be interposed between him and scandal
was interposed, rumour, with her thousand tongues, would
not be staved off. His departure had been too sudden for
that, and one or two trifling revelations in money matters, not
greatly to his credit, came out, and became, of course, in a
magnified form, the village talk ; and none were more bitter
and virulent in their gossip, or post-prophesied their con-
victions more loudly and vehemently, that * this would be the
end of it all,' than Mr. Tom Sharp (minus his sacerdotal
waistcoat) and his sisters (minus their anticipated prey, the
pet parson).
Crookham was none the worse for the exchange, for the
curate, Mr. Beeklamb, who came to do the duties, was a meek,
charitable, washed-out little individual, very mild, very weak,
with no particular leanings and no particular sentiments,
troubled with a gasping, perspiring way of speaking, that
reminded you of a dying gold-fish ; but there was a deal of
good in him, and if he had only possessed a little energy and
decision, he might have done great things. As it was, he
procured the love, but then he obtained the pity too, of the
poor, who spoke of him protectingly rather than otherwise.
But we are anticipating again, and must go back.
THE BRIDGE OF SIGHS 299
CHAPTER XXXI.
THE BEIDGE OF SIGHS
IT was a fine morning late in June ; the weather was warm
and beautiful ; the trees had put on their summer tints ; the
laverock (we prefer the Scotch name, it seems more expres-
sive) was singing high in the heavens ; the air and the earth,
the trees and the waters, were instinct with insect life.
Bees went humming on their daily round, peering into the
flowers, which abounded, of every kind and hue ; painted
butterflies of various sorts skipped up and down in the air,
now from flower to leaf, anon careering high over the grass,
across the fields, and far away ; grasshoppers hopped about
your knees as you brushed through the ripe grass, upon
which the mowers and haymakers were already commencing
their cheerful labours, and sending delicious fragrance far
and wide through the air. Swallows skimmed to and fro,
now over the grass, now dodging in and out round the
trees, then drooping and dipping their wings in the stream
as they picked some errant fly almost from its surface. The
deep foliage of the trees whispered happiness and peace ; at
one moment almost hushed, and presently swelling gradu-
ally, as the light breeze kissed and rustled through it, till
it joined audibly in the swelling and universal chant of
gladness and praise to Heaven. Man fought but Nature
worshipped.
Newton was leaning on the low stone wall of the little
bridge, over which the highroad crossed the stream. A
fishing-rod leant against the stone at his side ; the foot-line
and fly hung carelessly in the stream, sweeping to and fro in
the swift current.
Newton had taken to fly-fishing under Mr. Buncomb's
tuition, and, with an occasional lesson from Sir John Yasey,
who was an ardent admirer of the truly gentle craft, he was
rapidly becoming tolerably proficient. Sir John had given
him a general permission to fish in his portion of the river
part of which, but it was only thinly stocked with fish,
thanks to the poachers, ran through his father's estate
300 NEWTON DOGVANE
with only the sportsmanlike restriction that he should not
fish after dark, nor kill fish under a pound and a half weight ;
a judicious rule, and one which all owners of trout streams,
if they desire good trout, would do well to observe strictly.
As Newton looked over, he saw two or three highly re-
spectable trout sunning themselves and watching for food ;
sometimes one or the other of them would rise slowly to
the surface, and just show his white upper-lip on its level,
as he sucked in a savoury insect ; and again another would
turn sharply round and make a short dart of a yard or so
at some inconsiderable straw, or other matter that floated
down the stream, but, finding he had been deceived, and that
the matter was not a comestible, he would turn again, in
apparent disgust, and slowly resume his station, waving his
tail as a coy beauty does her fan, with an air of depreciation
of such a piece of deceit on the part of the straw. Now one
would be lost under a long streaming weed, and another
would dash up under the shade of the pier of the bridge, as
if he intended taking it by storm ; and another, the biggest
of course it is always so, even with fishes would make a
side rush at one of the others, who, in his turn, would make
a side rush at the next smallest one ; but by degrees
they all resumed their places.
"There's a good fish rising down under that bank,' said
Newton to himself. * I wish I could hook him, Buncomb,'
he continued aloud to that individual, who was standing at a
little distance, staring up into the air, apparently at nothing.
' Buncomb, they seem sick of March browns, blue duns, and
grannams; what's to be done? When do you think the
May-fly will be up ? '
1 Well, sir, I never knowed it so late as it is this year.
They're always latish with it here, seldom much afore the
middle of June, and here we are at t'other end on't, and
haven't got it yet. The season is certainly werry backward.
But there ! ' ho continued, ' I could almost swear I see one
just this werry hinstinck (instant), Muster Dogwun ; I were
a lookin' arter him. It must a bin 'the fly.' If so, it'll be
on a little fords hevenin' not enough to take, perhaps;
but t'morrer it'll be a grand day.'
' Ah ! but to-morrow's the archery meeting, and I've
promised Miss Bess I mean Mrs. Bowers a brace of trout
to-day. What's to be done ? '
THE BRIDGE OF SIGHS 301
' Don't know, sir ; trouts is rum things in their appetikes ;
they're like fimmuls (females) ; sometimes they will, and
sometimes they wulln't. Have ye tried the willow or the
black gnat; either on em's likely. Furnace 'ackle, alder,
caperer, stone-fly, sand, councillor, guvnor, duns o' all sorts,
or red hen, it's all alike, any on em's likely. Little yaller
ort to be on. There's one on the water now, and, by Jabez,
that big chap's took him. See now ; ye han't got one, in
course not. Give me one o' them big May- flies ; I'll soon
cut him up and shift him on to a smaller J ook ; ' and, taking
a hook and a piece of gut, Mr. Buncomb, by the aid of a
penknife, proceeded to construct a little yellow May-fly, a
fly which, on many rivers, comes on immediately before the
green drake. It was soon finished. It was rather a rough,
staring concern, of course ; but it looked like killing in the
water.
' Wait here, and if a gentleman comes by on horseback
darkish-looking man, with moustaches and beard, and all
that just tell him I'm over the hedge. It's almost time
Yincent was here,' said Newton to himself, after giving
these directions to Buncomb, as he stepped over the stile
with his newly-armed rod. Approaching the stream very
cautiously, and bending down to keep as much as possible
out of sight, with a wave he sent the dangerous lure, with
some lightness and tolerable precision, out into the stream,
just above where the largest of the fish he had seen from the
bridge lay. It came sweeping round, backing and filling
with its hackle and wings, as Newton softly checked and
yielded to it. Now was the anxious moment it was passed
in front of his nose. A slight curl in the water, and Trouty
was off up under the bridge he wasn't to be gammoned to
his own undoing.
'Confound him ! ' said Newton, 'he's a two- pounder ; but
there's his brother below, let's try him.'
The same process was gone through again a few yards
farther down, and this time with ample success. Up came
the speckled victim, with a dash, a smart tug, and away he
went, running, rushing amongst weeds, shaking his head,
and springing out of his native element as if he were a
little salmon.
Great, of course, was Newton's excitement. Oh ! how
exciting it is a well-conditioned two or three pounder on
302 NEWTON DOG VANE
fine tackle, in a clear, rapid, and weedy stream ! But his
doom was soon sealed.
Mr. Buncomb came crawling along with the landing-net ;
dipped it ; and, after another slight rush and turn or two,
the fish dropped neatly into the net, and then dropped out
of it on the grass, under two pair of admiring eyes.
* Famous condition two pound and a little over eh,
Buncomb ? '
' All that, sir ! ' quoth that functionary, ' and a little
over ; werry yellow, werry speckled, and wot's more, werry
white and well-shaped, sir. He'll do;' and Mr. Buncomb
knocked the fish on the head, and put it in the basket,
saying
' That's one.'
* Where shall we try for another, Buncomb ? ' asked
Newton.
' Just below that 'ere wilier, sir. There's a brace o' werry
tidy fish there, as'll go nigh three pounds over two and a
'all, leastways.'
Newton walked to the indicated spot, and there was a
good fish making circles with tolerable rapidity. Newton
tried him. He came up and refused. He was going to
throw again in haste.
'Easy, sir,' said Buncomb. 'Now lie yer rod down for
five or ten minutes, and practise patience. Light a vede
and smoke. It's not a morsel o' use fishin' for him yet, he's
scared a bit ; but wait a little while, and p'raps you'll nail
him.'
Newton followed the advice and lighted a cigar.
' Look ye, now,' presently said Mr. Buncomb. ' There s
a cloud a comin' over the sun, and the least mite of ripple
comin' up stream ; chuck just arter the ripple reaches him,
and I'll lay a new 'at to a gooseberry bush you 'as him.'
Out went the fly again ; round it came cautiously cau-
tiously, just under the pendant wreaths of leaves, which
almost kissed the stream, as if it had just slid down off
them, and up came the trout, this time in right earnest.
The usual jumping and rushing ensued.
* Don't let him get under that wilier, sir.'
The fish was making for his haunt Newton ' put the pot
on,' as it is called, and turned him, and in due time he visited
the basket. As they walked along the stream back towards
THE BRIDGE OF SIGHS 303
the bridge, to see if the first fish had returned to his feeding-
ground, they heard the canter of a horse approaching.
( That's Vincent; run up and stop the gentleman, Bun-
comb/ said Newton ; and in a minute or two Newton was
shaking hands with Vincent Sartoris.
' How are they all ? ' asked Vincent, who, by-the-bye, had
been down both to Dingham and Crookham since we last
mentioned him. ' How are they all 1 I shan't be able to
stop over to-morrow ; I'm busy about the Turkish Contingent
business, and that takes up all my time almost.'
' What a bore, to be sure ! '
' You are very kind to say so ; but business, you know,
must be attended to. Of course it's all very pleasant leading
a kind of dolce far niente alfresco life here, lying down on
the grass, and watching you catch the little fish, and the
smoke of my pipe curling up into the air, to the intense dis-
gust of the gnats and blue-bottles alternately. It won't
do for me altogether. But don't let me stop your fishing
pray, go on.'
* I was thinking how we could manage to realise the pipe
and the fishing, &c. Look here I have it. Buncomb, get
on Mr. Sartoris's horse, and ride him to the stables. Tell
James that Mr. Sartoris has arrived, and that his room is to
be prepared. On the way, as you pass Crookham, drop that
brace of fish, with my compliments. There ! give Mr. Sartoris
the landing-net I've no doubt but he'll make a good fist at
it and you can meet me at the stile beyond the woodcock
spinney.'
Mr. Buncomb did as he was desired, and rode away.
Vincent sat himself down on the grass, and pulling out his
pipe, was soon engaged in puffing round rings into the air.
The fish would not rise, so Newton stuck his rod upright,
and sat down beside Vincent.
After a few minutes' chat, Vincent said
* Have you seen the paper ? There it is.'
And drawing it out, he gave it to him.
Newton took it, and opened it abstractedly, looking leisurely
down the sheet. Presently his attention became arrested
he grew pale
' Good Heaven ! what's this ? ' he exclaimed. * Can it be
true ? Listen ! ' and he read as follows :
* Determined suicide. Yesterday morning, about half-past
304 NEWTON DOGVANE
eleven, a young gentleman, of fashionable appearance, was
observed hurrying across Waterloo Bridge, apparently in a
state bordering on distraction; having reached the middle
of the bridge, he suddenly, and before any one could stop
him, jumped on the coping of the bridge, and sprung over
into the river, and in falling his head came in contact with
one of the piers of the bridge. The act was observed from
the shore, and boats were instantly put off to rescue him,
if possible, from a watery grave. All their efforts, how-
ever, were of no avail, as the unfortunate young man sunk
instantly, owing, it is supposed, to his having been stunned.
It was some hours ere the body was recovered, when these
suppositions turned out evidently to be correct, as a severe
gash on the temple testified. The body has been identified
as that of a Mr. Chilliwun, late an employe in Her Majesty's
Redundancy Office. The cause of this melancholy affair is
supposed to have been an unrequited attachment to some
beautiful foreigner. The friends of the deceased, who was
a most amiable young man, are in the deepest grief in con-
sequence of the rash act.'
Vincent heard all this passively, merely remarking, ' Ah !
yes hum. They will do it. Never could see the sense
of it, though.'
* I always told him that Greek was a villanous coquette,
and was playing the deuce with him,' said Newton, reflec-
tively.
Ah ! ay what ? Greek ! eh ? What Greek ? ?
* Well, really, I can't remember her name. It was Alexan-
drona something. Alexan ' and he considered.
' Alexandrona ! Indeed ! Could it have been Petrovich ? '
* That's the name, sir the very name. A wretched
coquette. She used to lead him on and on ; poor Chilliwun
was not very strong-minded. Poor fellow I she used actually
to come after him to the office, and of course he fancied
she was very fond of him, but I don't think she was.
She always seemed a schemer. Dear ! dear ! dear ! Oh !
now you recall that, it was owing to a quarrel with Jamie-
son himself. Chilliwun told me something about it. He
said he had had a deuce of n row with Jamieson about some
papers Jamieson was over him, you know; and Jamieson
used such language, as Chilliwun said though he didn't tell
me what it was that he thought he should have had to
THE BRIDGE OF SIGHS 305
call in my services. But before this it came to the chief's
ears, and they had a long interview with him. He didn't
say what transpired ; but a few days after, Jamieson resigned,
and instantly got this appointment.'
; Just so ! Ah ! I thought so. All alike all alike ! ' and
Vincent fell into a deep reverie, in which he did not appear
to desire to be interrupted ; and, bestowing many a thought
of regret upon his friend, and heaping execration on the
head of the fair Greek, Newton took up his rod once more,
and slowly walked along the river. This time, however, he
was deep in thought, and the fish escaped scathless.
After a time Vincent joined him, and they strolled along
the bank, chatting more pleasantly.
* How pure and clear this water is ! ' said Newton.
' Not so pure or clear as it might be,' answered Sartoris.
1 Do you think not ? I hardly see how it could well be
much clearer.'
'This water is dull compared with many a sparkling
brook I have seen. How many towns and villages has
it passed through, each of which has contributed its full
share towards its defilement ? and every village it passes
through drinks the diluted filth of the village above it.
Look at those villainous paper-mills, too, on that branch
stream, which destroy every fish from thence to the sea,
pouring forth their volumes of smoke and stench, and
tainting the air that hangs over the wretched houses and
is breathed by the more wretched inhabitants which sur-
round them. Now this is your boasted civilisation. What
do you do ? You deface the earth, you defile the waters,
and you poison the air; and your boasted science, which is
what you really mean by civilisation, doesn't provide you
with a remedy. Nearly all the evils that men suffer are of
their own planting and their own production. Look you,
now : there you have grinding labour, and there you have
consumption and lung-diseases ; while here you have cholera,
with stomach-diseases of all kinds, and fevers likewise, all
of home production, and all literally unnecessary to a degree.
Why, the ignorant savage, whom you revile and make shows
of, doesn't do so ; and why should you ? Even if you like
to poison yourselves, it is rather hard upon the little fishes
that you should poison them too.'
' Oh ! but you are quite wrong ; our science does provide us
306 NEWTON DOGVANE
with a remedy; and there is no necessity for their being
poisoned any more than us ; because I know plenty of
rivers, with paper-mills on them, where the fis\ abound,
and in some cases are really a fine-made, handsome fish. It
is because they throw the refuse bleach and other poisonous
stuff into the river, instead of into a spare tank (and it
makes famous manure too), that the fish are poisoned.'
'Then what, in heaven's name, do they throw the stuff
in the water for ? '
1 Oh ! the man there is no angler, and doesn't care about
fishing; besides, not being a very good-tempered fellow
and and '
'But it's to his interest if it makes good manure. It
would even pay him well. Why, what a miserable hog the
fellow must be ! Isn't there any law to compel him to keep
his poisonous refuse out of the water ? '
' I really don't know. It would be a very good thing if
there were such a law, as one-half and more of the best
trout-streams in the country are thus destroyed at least,
so Sir John says to say nothing of health.'
' They tell me that immense numbers of fish are destroyed
every year by the foul water in the Thames. I suppose it's
true enough ? '
'Yes, so my father says. He complains very much of
the fishing there. He says that there is no such thing as
barbel-fishing now, even to compare with what it was a few
years ago. It seems that the fish drop, after spawning, I
believe, down into the tideway, and when the tide turns and
flows up, it brings up all the London sewage, and from
Mortlake downwards hundreds of bushels are turned up in
a tide. But here we are at home ; dinner will be ready in
half an hour,' and they separated.
M WAS AN ARCHER, AND SHOT AT A FROG' 307
a CHAPTER XXXII.
*A WAS AN ARCHER, AND SHOT AT A FROG 7
* I SUPPOSE you are all bent on clapping "a shaft i' the clout
at fourscore, or fourscore and a half/' to-day,' said Vincent
to the Dogvane family, assembled at breakfast on the next
morning.
' I am going to a feast of love/ said Mrs. Dogvane, im-
pressively.
' A what ? ' asked Mr. Dogvane, as if he could hardly trust
his ears. ' A what ? ' he repeated.
' A feast of love a love-feast. And what then, Mr. Dog-
vane ? ' This was said sharply.
1 Oh ! nothing, my dear only I hope it'll agree with your
constitution, and that you won't check your appetite.'
' I pity you, Mr. Dogvane I pity you.'
* Thankee, my dear ; I'm sure it's kind of you to bestow
anything so valuable on me ; and if you could bring home a
little of that other article you're going to have such a blow-
out of, for general use, you know I really wouldn't stint my
appetite, if I was you. I shall go a-archering. " A was an
archer, and shot at a frog," my dear; now I shall be A Ai,
in fact, for to-day, and I'll shoot at any number of frogs that
come in my way.'
Mrs. Dogvane made a curious sound, something like a hem
we can't write it, but it is intended generally to express
incipient wrath and vexation, in consequence of not having
any retort in words ready ; and then, saying he * got worse
as he grew older,' she marched from the room.
* She's a good creature,' said Mr. Dogvane ; ' only, since
the departure of that fellow Courtenay the Low Church
snobs are uproarious, and take all the credit of it, so that
there's no holding them, whilst the Dissenters are making
no end of a pot of it between 'em ; and my good old soul
has got picked up by some of them Plymouth Brothers I
think them. The backbone of their belief is to live upon those
who are better off than themselves ; a comfortable doctrine
too. Shepherd wants to go a railway journey starts off
without a penny in his pocket ; he has faith the Lord will
308 NEWTON DOGVANE
provide; so In- limls out what train Brother Smith
UK! makes good his own, faith by quartering himself on
Smith; and HO they go snulllin;/ .-mil caul ing about, peddling
and meddling, and interfering everywhere, and tiny I ml* I
1 Mayer-meetings feasts of love, they call 'em and all
of nonsense; MIX! the dear old thing likes to go to '<'', and
fancies it does her good. To be sure, she's rather hot on me
about it at times; but then, you see, she doesn't \\ I \\.-.ys get
the best of it, and as long as I do as I like, I don i can,
I hope you won't think any further excuse necessary,' he
continued to Vincent.
' My dear sir, pray don't say a word ; I understand it all.
The hcst pn.,.,ihln bond of union is 1'or c;icli to do us they
like.'
* Yes, I suppose we must go. And then there's the ball
to-night; I'm one of the stewards,' said Newton. 'The
I :<> worses will all be there, and I suppose they'll be at the
archery.' (He supposed, when he'd been drilling Bessie in
archery for a. ue.k.) 'What do you propose doing with
yourself?'
* Oh ! ' answered Vincent, ' I have no weakness for archery,
but I want to ride over to Minstead on an errand I \\ant,
to glance at the parish records I've rather a that is, I've
rather a curiosity to look at them, and I shall be back, I
daresay, by dinner-time. Did you see Mr. Bowers I mean
the younger one, Mr. Charles, last night / '
'Uncle Crabb, you mean? Oh, yes.'
'How was he?'
' How was he ? Oh, very well nothing over ails him.'
' You'll go to the ball to-night, I suppose ? ' asked Newton.
' I shall go to i lie hall, : ir. Marry, sir, but I am fond of
:i dunce, and uill lri|> il on (he light I'anla lie I < >e \\ilh the
of you. I care not whether it ! Ming, jig, \\ali. -,
coranto, or doiihle .hull!.- hop. I am n<>( indill'ei ml, at a
clog hornpipe; at an Indian \\ar dance .i H Hindoo nautch
I am equally at home. II. re wo go do\\n the middle
linn li turn ti. linn li (urn I i, I'ol de riddle l<>l;'and Vincent
double . hullled In him i-lf in I he pier glass, and then .-.pread
out hi ai m , and HW6 a I. i i ilie Indian lioul. and
until Mr. Dogvane'., hair . l<.>.d on end.
'Why, you're in lln- most OtttrAgOOUl piril this m
.\e\\lon. 'I ne\( -r .saw \ou ; i 1. 1
<A WAS AN ARCHER, AND SHOT AT A FROG 1 309
'Yes, you are quite right; something extraordinary is
going to take place. Somebody will come to grief before the
day's out. I always feel like this on such occasions. Can't
account for it in any way. I'm a species of second-sight
barometer like the frogs, I suppose, lively before rain.
Bet you twopence you don't clear that rhododendron, and
I do.'
They had walked to the glass door, which stood open.
There was a tall, thick rhododendron on the lawn, about the
height of a man's head. Newton laughingly took the offer,
and jumped into the very middle of it. As he was trying
to extricate himself Vincent called out
'Tuck in your twopenny, as the little boys say in the
streets ' and Newton had hardly time to bob his head
down, when, with a slight run and a bound like a deer,
Vincent Sartoris came flying over Newton's head, and cleared
bush and all handsomely.
' By Jove ! what a jump ! '
* They used to call me the Flying Squg ; you know, I'm
a chief of a tribe. Ha I ha 1 ha ! I remember jumping
over an old Comanche chief once. I shall never forget it.
We went on the trail into the Comanche country ; I got
hemmed in by four of them. We had surprised their camp,
and they hadn't time to mount their horses ; still, they made
a fight for it, and four of them got me up in a corner. I
sang out, as if there was help coming to me from behind
them. It was only a ruse, and one of them, the old chief, bit ;
he looked round to see that he was not taken at a disadvan-
tage ; and the moment he did so, I played leapfrog with him,
and bolted. But if you could have seen his surprise and
horror for the moment at seeing my legs extended like a
large pair of tongs on each side of his head and shoulders
his disgust at so undignified a proceeding, for they have
grand ideas of dignity it was most comical. Ha ! ha ! ha 1
Upon my word, I am in very strange and unusual spirits
to-day.' And they walked round to the stables.
We don't intend to inflict an archery meeting on our
readers, for little could be said of it beyond who hit and who
missed ; how one got a bull's-eye by the way, * gold,' we
believe, is the more proper term ; we beg pardon of the
venerable and noble order of Toxophilites, as they are
styled.
310 NEWTON DOGVANE
'Why the deuce,' said Uncle Crabb, 'can't they call them-
selves archers or bowmen ? What do they want to lug such
a term as toxophilology into the language for ? Everybody
seems to be getting ashamed of his mother-tongue, and in-
venting a new one. Fancy a description of Poitiers thus :
" Then the English toxophilites discharged forthwith showers
of toxophilitic weapons on the enemy," and so forth. Yah ! '
and Uncle Crabb walked away, improvising and singing to
himself, with many and strong expressions of disapproval :
1 'I Oh, bold Robin Hood was a toxophilite,
A toxophilite was he ;
And Scarlet, Much, and Little John,
Toxophilites all three.
Then hey for the lively and verdant shade "
Not the merry greenwood, oh no ! it's lively and verdant,
and merriment is vulgar and out of the question ; and as
to green pooh ! common people eat greens, and call one
another green. So
" Hey for the lively and verdant shade,
Hey for the trysting-tree."
Ah ! they're as good at the trysting as ever they were, if
not better.
" And there we'll play the livelong day ! "
At " Toxophilology ; " no doubt 1 oh yes, Toxophilites, to
be sure. They're all Toxophilites. Here's a thing to call
a bow ! ' and taking up one of the bows, he gave such a
furious pull at it, that he smashed it ; and then, smiling
grimly as he cast the pieces from him, he went on ' Rather
a different thing that, now, to the six foot of stout yew;
and this gim-crack splinter' (breaking a gaily decorated
arrow) 'from the cloth-yard shafts, drawn to the head,
sir, by our ancestors. Yah ! and this, I suppose, is your
Toxophilite. And a pretty specimen he is too. Well, I
say, you, sir!' And he turned towards a sickly-looking
youth, who, arrayed in a fancy dress of green serge and bull'
boots, was thinking no pale ale of himself, as he struck
attitudes with his bow and arrow, sufficient to have war-
ranted any one in supposing that he meant to shoot every-
thing alive, out of doors, in that one identical shot. ' I
' J. WAS AN ARCHER, AND SHOT AT A FROG' 3ir
say, you, sir ! ' said Uncle Crabb to him. ' What d'ye call
yourself ? '
' Me, sir ? ' answered the youth, a little stiffly. * My name,
sir
1 Hang your name ! ' broke in Uncle Crabb. ' Who asked
for it ? It's that Tom Fool's dress I was speaking about.
What d'ye call it ? '
'Really, sir, I must say I beg that that is, I must
remark, that you you And he paused.
'Yes, sir, yes? That I? Go on, sir, go on I what?'
and Uncle Crabb looked excessively waspish and belligerent.
' You are certainly a little that is just a little hasty,
sir. You ask me the name of this uniform, and I should be
pleased to accord to you to accord to you ' (and he repeated
the word, because ' accord ' was a good word just the least
thought stilty ; and having been handed down rather sharply
out of his stilts, he felt the necessity of getting back to them
speedily) 'to accord to you that information, if asked in a
way in which I should feel justified a justified ' (another
good word) ' in according that information. This dress, sir,
is the uniform of the Toxophilite Club, sir ; and I have the
honour, sir I have the honour a to be a a Toxo-
philite. Ehem ! '
Nothing in the least disturbed in his intentions by this
show of stiffness, Uncle Crabb took the collar of the objection-
able garment between his finger and thumb, and, holding it
aside at arm's-length, looked the young gentleman up and
down, and then said
' And ain't you ashamed of yourself, to go calling yourself
names, and making a noodle of yourself in this way 1 Why,
you're nothing in the world now but a tailor's advertisement
a fancy-dress tailor's advertisement. You don't suppose
that Robin Hood was ever such an ass as to wear anything
of that sort, do you ? '
' Really, sir I you I must beg your conversation
is ' and freeing himself, he turned away ' what I'm not
accustomed to ; I must say that Good-morning, sir !
Good-morning ! '
' I've made him comfortable for the day,' said Uncle Crabb,
as he walked away, with a grim smile.
However, in spite of Uncle Crabb, the Toxophilites enjoyed
themselves in their own peculiar fashion. Bessie Bowers won
312 NEWTON DOGVANE
a silver arrow, and somebody else won a gold one, and they
were all very happy. The luncheon was capital. The cham-
pagne was the best that could be made out of gooseberries, and
they drank it, and engaged partners for the ball ; and Mrs.
Spelthorne, who was flirting with Sir John Yasey for the
moment, to Ned's intense annoyance, was very amusing, and
vastly good-natured in fact, she proved quite an acquisition.
The sisters were introduced to her ; but somehow, as the phrase
is, ' they did not hit it off,' there was an instinctive repul-
sion and dislike between them. They were not jealous of
her, though she might have been of them, possibly.
1 1 thay, Ned,' said Sissy, ' I than't have that woman for a
thither-in-law. '
1 Why not, Mischief ? ' asked Ned.
' I don't know what maketh me think of it in connecthon
with her, but the remindth me of a wat-twap.'
* A rat-trap. What do you mean ? '
'Why, the lookth all over like biting to me; but the
lookth all over like toathted cheeth to you. The won't do for
Crookham. I than't have her.'
I You'd better tell her so,' said Ned, good-humouredly, for
she had just promised the first waltz to him, and he was in
great spirits.
I 1 than't be very particular about that, I can tell 'oo, if
I think there'th half a chanth of her coming here to inter-
fere with my pwewogative.'
The Assembly-rooms at Maidstone were thrown open ;
lights flashed to and fro; carriages rumbled, and footmen
shouted. It really promised to be a very grand ball. The
county people, as they are styled, came tumbling in rapidly.
Mr. Newton Dogvane, with five other gentlemen, arrayed in
faultless black, and further decorated with white bows, acted
as stewards. Newton was standing on the landing, inter-
changing a word or two with Vincent Sartoris, when, as
they looked over the banisters, they saw a lady and gentle-
man coming up.
' Who's this ? ' asked Vincent.
* Don't know, I'm sure.' He caught a glimpse of the
gentleman it was Ned. At the same moment the lady
looked up it was Mrs. Spelthorne.
* Oh ! it's Ned and Mrs. Spelthorne,' answered Newton.
Newton did not observe the change in his companion's face
1 A WAS AN ARCHER, AND SHOT AT A FROG' 313
and manner at the sight of her upturned face. Yincent
Sartoris turned suddenly pale, and clutched the rail with the
force of a vice.
' I thought there was something in the wind this morn-
ing,' he murmured. Then, turning to Newton, who had
begun to notice his agitation, he asked, ' What did you say
that lady called herself ? '
* Mrs. Spelthorne,' answered Newton.
' Ha ! ' and Yincent gave a short, bitter laugh, * it's as
good a name as another. Spelthorne, alias Coralie Leschan-
telles, alias Madame Yanvoorten, alias Mrs. Hagley. The
murderess of my poor Charley a notorious intriguante the
greatest strumpet in Europe. I have unmasked her once or
twice, and will again. I felt this morning, by the spirits I
was in, that she was near me. Something told me she'd be
at this ball, although 'tis two years since I saw her. D n
her, I'll drive her to h 1. but what she shall feel the
weight of my revenge ! I know her I know all her clique
Petrovich too. You spoke of her the other day that
woman-fiend, whose fatal beauty made me, amongst others,
an outcast. I might have known it all then. Worthy pair !
Admirable villainy ! '
' Good heavens ! what do you say ? ' asked Newton, breath-
less with surprise and dismay.
' Say ! That that woman is known for what I tell you,
in Paris, in St. Petersburg, in Brussels, Rome everywhere.
How came you acquainted with her, and yet scathless ? '
' Carysford introduced me to her.'
* Carysford too ! Better and better ! A dirty, swindling,
petty employe, living on the wages of infamy ! He's been
her companion, her tool, some two years or more ; and
as for poor Ned, the lad has some pluck and some little
brains, and they'd make use of him somehow, until they
made him as bad as themselves. My course, at any rate, is
plain, and no time is to be lost. She is now leaving the
dressing-room. She cannot be received here. By heaven !
that such, a woman should have been introduced to those
innocent girls is contamination enough ; she shall not meet
them again ; ' and walking to the men who stood at the door
to receive the tickets, a few energetic words were spoken, a
list of names referred to, and he passed in with Yincent,
standing within a few feet inside, as if to prevent the possi-
3H NEWTON DOG VANE
bility of her entrance. A waltz struck up ; Newton glanced
into the room, and saw Bessie hanging on Uncle Crabb's
arm ; she nodded and smiled, and Newton felt a pang
shoot through him. ' What might not arise from the act
about to take place ? ' He feared it, but was nevertheless
resolved.
'We shall be late, Neddy,' said the lady.
'Never mind, dear,' answered Ned; 'we must makeup
for lost time, you know.'
* Have you the tickets ? '
' Here they are two ; ' and they were about to pass in,
when one of the undertaker-like looking functionaries at the
door, interposing his person, glanced at the tickets, to be sure
he was quite right, and said
' Yery sorry, sir, to have to say that this lady's voucher
is refused.'
1 Refused ! ' said Ned, firing up. * Refused ! What do
you mean, fellow ? '
' The lady cannot go in, sir,' said the man, firmly. ' The
stewards refuse her voucher.'
' Come, come away,' said Mrs. Spelthorne, for so we must
continue to call her 'come away. It is some sorry jest ;
I will not stay to be made a jest of ; ' and she laughed feebly.
How abject she was !
' Come away ! ' said Ned, raising his voice in passion, and
attracting the notice of two or three who stood near. ' Come
away ! What scoundrelism is this ? Who dares treat a
lady thus ? '
Newton saw it was time to interfere, and, though trem-
bling for the result, as affecting the position he stood in
towards the family and Bessie, he came forward.
' My dear Ned, this is a wretched affair. I feel deeply
for you. I am grieved beyond measure. But that lady has
given a false name. Her name is Hagley, and and '
'Then you are the author of this,' said Ned, furiously;
' you you ! It is false, sir it's a lie, a scandalous inven-
tion ! You you villain ! ' He was breathless with passion.
Newton flushed to the temples. He raised his hand and
made one step forwards. Remembering himself, however, he
stopped, his hand fell helplessly at his side, and he said in a
low, choked voice
' I I I must bear it. 1
1 A WAS AN ARCHER, AND SHOT AT A FROG' 315
* What ! ' cried Ned, rage and scorn struggling united ;
* coward as well as liar 1 Then -- ' and with his arm drawn
back, he was about to rush on him, while Newton, now en-
raged beyond all control, was springing forward with flashing
eye and clenched fist to meet him.
At this moment Newton found himself suddenly checked
by a grasp of iron from behind, for Vincent held him back ;
while Mr. Bowers, who had come forward on hearing the
noise, and had interchanged a few words with Vincent,
stepped between them, and placing his hand on his son's
breast, said sternly
*I have heard all, sir. This gentleman but fulfils the
duties of his office. Go home, sir. I pity your unfortunate
position, and deeply regret all that has occurred ; but -but
you had better withdraw.'
Ned looked round. Mrs. Hagley had slipped away at the
first symptoms of the fracas ; and Ned, without another word,
dashed down the stairs and disappeared.
Fortunately, Bessie and Uncle Crabb had walked to the
other end of the room, and the crowd and the music pre-
vented their hearing what had occurred.
There were some heavily curtained windows around the
ballroom; to one of these there was a small balcony. It
was bright moonlight. In the farthest shade of the balcony
sat Newton, his forehead resting on the cold iron rail as he
tried to soothe, to excuse, to calm his outraged feelings.
* Had it been any one but him any one but her brother,
I would have trampled on him, I would have have killed
him,' he said to himself for the hundredth time. *I would
A soft hand was laid upon his arm. He looked hastily
around. It was Bessie.
Now, doubtless, the reader expects a love-scene, all in
the usual conventional style of writing ; but love-scenes, if
written as they really and truly, and in fact usually, occur,
would be mighty uninteresting things, as they are, in truth,
to any one but the parties concerned. We only speak out
of the fulness of our own experience, and we have no right
to assume out of the fulness of anybody else's. No doubt
there have been cases where the lady and gentleman talked
very high-flown language, and used fine phrases and rounded
periods made love, as it were, in the heavy Johnsonian style.
316 NEWTON DOGVANE
Let those parties, then, monopolise that style of description,
and etherealise their sentimentality to the utmost. We can
only say, as we have said before, that our love-making, the
very little we have ever engaged in, has not been done in
that way, and we could not well describe, save from experi-
ence ; and as we don't know how to put a look or two, a
stammer or two, a jumble of words intended to express
rapture, knocking against each other in their eagerness to
get out first along with gentle caresses and tender endear-
ments of that sort, on paper, we prefer to leave it untold.
Let each reader, then, who feels any interest in this story
refer her or his memory back to the dearest, most delightful,
and best- remembered passage of her or his life, and that
will suffice for the case in point. We feel this is a disap-
pointment; we can't help it. We apologise for it, for we
know not how to write unnaturally if we did, we wouldn't
and this we say in all humility, feeling our weakness.
Two hours later, a glass door of a small and elegant cottage
ornee was dashed violently open, and out upon a smooth lawn,
tastefully ornamented with shrubs, now silvered over with
the moonlight, sprang the figure of a man ; terrible excite-
ment and bitter grief struggled in him for mastery ; he turned
one moment, raised his clenched hand, as if about to hurl an
imprecation at the house ; but his arm sank down, and he
buried his face in his hands. Another figure stepped slowly
through the door, and flung it sharply to behind him. At
the sound the first thrust his hair back from his face and
looked up.
* You are satisfied ? ' said the last-comer.
' I am, and wretched wretched for ever ! '
1 Nonsense ! draw yourself together, man. Where is your
pride ? In a few months you will smile at yourself. And
now where to ? Home ? '
' Never, never ! I can't I won't ! '
' Is this your fixed, unalterable determination ? '
at i s :
1 Where, then ? '
' Anywhere. The world is all alike to me now, so that it
isn't home.'
1 You are firm, then ? resolved in this ? '
' I am. Why waste words ? '
'Come with me, then.' 'He may as well go with me as
'A WAS AN ARCHER, AND SHOT AT A FROG' 317
with any one else. I'll watch over him and guard him as a
brother, for the sake of those he leaves behind. Yes, it is
better so better so I can do much for him which others
could not,' said Yincent Sartoris, communing within him-
self, as he and Ned walked away in the moonlight, and were
speedily lost under the deep shadow of the trees.
Within the room they had just left sat Mrs. Hagley,
her head leaning on her hands, her long, fair, golden hair
streaming down upon the table and hiding the white arms
beneath it, her ball-dress unchanged, but crushed and in
disarray. By the fireplace, with his elbow on the mantel-
piece and his foot balanced doubtfully upon the fender, his
whole attitude and look bespeaking perplexity and vexation,
stood Carysford. Now and then he cast a timid, anxious
look at the lady.
* Don't take on so, Poll,' he said at length.
' If you Poll me, you you you worm, I'll stab you ! '
and she seized a pointless silver fruit-knife which lay near,
but seeing what it was, she threw it from her in petulance
and disgust.
' Nonsense ! ' said the man ; ' be calm. Do hang it ! do
be a little calm. Why can't you listen to reason 1 '
' Reason ! ' jerked out the lady, savagely ' reason ! I've
listened to your reason long enough, and too long. Had it
not been for your miserable scheme upon this stupid Baronet,
I had won the only man I ever loved, and been happy with
him. Ay ! happy if I could be happy. I'd have made
him a faithful and a good wife, I would. I feel I could.'
' Nonsense ! Don't talk nonsense.'
* Nonsense ? Yes, of course it is nonsense to you.'
' And so it is to you ; because it would have amounted to
bigamy. Hagley is not dead yet.'
' Ever my bane ever my curse ! Why do you always
throw that that brute into my teeth, nor. leave me a
moment's happiness, even in imagination ? Can it be true
that woman, once degraded, is lost for ever ? Can it be that
there is no turning no repentance no chance of a better
life for us ? ' and she flung herself upon a settee, and
once more buried her face in her hands.
*I don't know about that,' said the man, looking aside
and down at her, with a half-smile, such as a triumphant
ogre might be supposed to wear ' I don't know about that ;
3i 8 NEWTON DOG VANE
only I don't think it lies just in that direction. What is
that about sackcloth and ashes I've read or heard some-
where ? You'd look well in sackcloth, Poll, a sister of the
order of St. Cyprian ; and as for ashes, just pitch a shovel-
ful or two on the floor, and take off your shoes, and treat us
to a pas de repentance. Now look here ! let us have an end
of this rubbish. We've failed here made a regular mull of
it. It's all your own fault ; you would go down to that
confounded ball. If you hadn't gone, you'd never have seen
that infernal Sartoris, and he might never have recognised
you, and you might have married the Baronet in the long-
run, if you'd played your cards well, and used him and his
fortune to our mutual advantage. As it is, it's no use
regretting it. We that is, you are blown, and the game's
up- That confounded handicap has swallowed the little
ready I had, and now this has blown up too. It's too hot
for me in England. I only escaped Solomons, as I was com-
ing down here this evening, by a miracle, and the chase is
getting rather too exciting. I don't dare show myself, except
at night. Sunday's my only day out, and I'm like a servant-
of-all-work, besieged by missuses ; ' and he laughed at his
own wit. 'Egad,' he continued, 'the word is "slope," and
I hardly know where to slope to. It's warm for me every-
where, as far as that goes. But go somewhere I must ; I
must try over the Channel again, I suppose. How you
could be such a fool as to spoil one of the best plans ever
laid by falling in love with that that ' and he paused
for an expletive strong enough to express his hatred of Ned.
1 Stop ! ' almost shrieked the lady. ' Stop 1 One word
against him, and and '
' Nonsense ! We must go. Do you hear ? We must go.'
* I shall stay,' said the lady, decisively.
'No, you won't.'
' I shall.'
* I tell you, you won't. If you expect to see him again,
you're deceived.'
* He spurned me. He cursed me and and I
' Of course he did ; what else could you expect ? Why
did you attempt to play such a fool's game ? It served you
right.'
'Nevertheless I will stay. I'll break off this villainous
this infernal connection. I'll play the spy, the wretch, no
<A WAS AN ARCHER, AND SHOT AT A FROG' 319
longer for any one for any one ; ' and she stamped her foot.
1 It is ended ; and now go I will never see you again. Be-
gone, sir ; your presence is hateful to me. '
She pointed to the door.
' Sorry I can't oblige you you must come with me.'
* I have said I shall stay.'
* You will not.'
' What is to prevent me ? Will you ? ' and she drew her-
self up. She was a magnificent figure ; and with her hair
flowing in wild folds and braids down over her shoulders
like golden cords, her flushed cheek, her brilliant, angry eye
she was a splendid picture.
Carysford looked at her for a moment in undisguised
admiration, and then said, slowly
' Oh ! I know / shan't prevent you. But this may ; ' and
drawing a small, closely folded note from his waistcoat-
pocket, he handed it to her. At first she drew back, instinc-
tively, as it were ; then took the note, with a slight shudder,
and murmuring, ' From Petrovich,' opened it slowly and
began to read. Pausing, she turned up the lamp to obtain
more light, and threw one eagle glance at him as he stood
in an attitude of affected unconcern, with his back to the
mantelpiece, and the foot no longer doubtful carelessly
hanging by the heel upon the fender. She sat down on the
sofa and read; from time to time she stopped, as if to
consider. Carysford whistled a tune softly, and she made a
gesture of impatience and frowned heavily at him ; he left
off, and she went on again. It came to an end at length ;
she sat looking fixedly at him for some time with a puzzled,
wondering look, and said
1 You know what this is ? '
* No,' he answered ; ' but I've a very shrewd suspicion. I
thought you were overplaying your game with Petrovich;
and although I don't quite understand the inns and outs of
either her or your game, I know that what she says you're
obliged to do.'
' It is too true,' she said, with a heavy sigh.
Another pause ensued.
'We must go; there is no help for it.' Then, in an
accent as of a soul in agony, and in which despair, terror,
and anguish mingled, she burst forth, ' O sin ! sin ! sin !
what chains you bind your servants in! The first fall
320 NEWTON DOGVANE
enslaves us, and the longer we follow you, the heavier and
more certain becomes our bondage, no escape none none !'
and her head drooped towards her bosom as she spoke.
Soon she looked up and waved her hand.
' No more of that ; we must go. Find a waggon within
an hour. We must strip the house, and away before morn-
ing. It is but one more escapade one more little drop in
the ocean of wrong; so begone regret; if I dwelt on it I
should become a suicide. Ha ! ha ! we must victimise the
landlord and upholsterer again. Why, where are your
spirits, Carysford ? You're as dull as ditch-water. Kiss
me, Charley, and then be off and find a waggon, and come and
lend a helping hand here.'
The required caress was given and returned, with a shiver
on her part, strongly repressed, though ; and as if to keep it
down, she kissed him again, and all trace of it vanished on
the instant. No human being can live without sympathy,
or he becomes a brute. This woman was a powerful instance
of it. The good she longed for was severed, and so she courted
even the sympathy of her vile companion, repulsive as it was
to her, rather than live without it.
There was a wonderful amount of ' endurcissement ' in that
caress, a wonderful tempering for evil of the malleable
metal. Hitherto she had sometimes looked back. Hence-
forth she only looked forward to a delusive future, ever
changing and dissolving, and * paved with intentions ' which
shifted, glimmered out faintly and more faintly, as day by
day and year by year drew her onwards towards the black
gulf. Verily the soil crumbled more and more beneath her
feet the nearer she drew towards THE CONSUMMATION.
In the morning the house was stripped and empty, and
those who had occupied it were far away.
KARS 321
CHAPTER XXXIII.
KARS
ANOTHER day of starvation and wretchedness had passed,
and another night of watchfulness and weariness had closed
around the devoted city of Kars. Stout soldiers, inured to
every toil and hardship the worthy fellow-countrymen of
those braves who had hurled back the tide of Russian in-
vasion from the Principalities were now, alas ! being slowly
reduced by sickness and short rations, and stood listlessly
leaning on their pieces, gazing wistfully out into the dark-
ness. Cholera was busy amongst them, and occasionally a
sentinel would be carried from his post to the hospital to
die. Meat was getting very scarce, and what little there
was, was taken up for the hospitals; and even the grain-
supplies grew so short as to make their rations often little
better than a mere crust of bread or a handful of corn,
altogether unequal to support such constant hardship and
sleeplessness. Four men sat under the shadow of an em-
bankment, in a small redoubt, on one of the most exposed
portions of the Tshamash, itself the most exposed position
of the entire line of fortifications around Kars. Three of
them were wrapped in long cloaks, and were smoking. The
three were evidently Europeans, and were conversing in
English, which one of them spoke with somewhat of a
foreign accent. A little apart from them, and sitting on
the ground, with his back against the earthwork, sat a Turk,
gravely puffing at his tchiboulc, as if there were no such
things as Russians and no such implements as thirty-six-
pounders or rifles in existence. Yet, under his apparent
repose, there was a constant watchfulness, and his eye
turned slowly but repeatedly from point to point, as far as
the range of his vision could take in. He was not dressed
in the same costume as the rest of the Turkish soldiers, but
was habited as a mountaineer.
'Mehemet seems more than usually silent to-night,' at
length said one of the three whom we have noticed.
* He may be silent,' said another, ' but his faculties are by
no means unemployed. Mehemet,' he continued, raising his
x
322 NEWTON DOGVANE
voice, and speaking in another tongue, ' who was that fellow
that brought in the letters to-day? He must have come
very close to it, if he did not run the gauntlet of the Russian
camp. How he escaped the Cossack videttes I can't conceive,
coming in that direction too.'
Taking his pipe from his mouth, the Turk replied
'He is a spy a Yezidi.* Lahnet be Shaitan ! t He is
the father of dogs and the son of abomination.'
' He must not be allowed to leave Kars. Why did you not
tell me that you knew him before ? I thought, from the
glance I had at the scoundrel's face, that there was some-
thing suspicious in it.'
' He must not leave Kars, O Pasha ! Inshallah, he will
not Ali has orders ; ' and the Turk returned the pipe to
his mouth.
'That's well,' said the first; 'Ali will not lose sight of
him, I suppose.'
* Bakalum ' (we shall see), answered the Turk briefly, and
again settling down to serious smoking.
The person who had first spoken here said
'Ask him if he thinks Mouravieff has overhauled the
letters.'
' It is of no use ; you'll get nothing out him but Bakalum ;
and when a Turk gives his mind to Bakalum we shall see.'
' What we shall see, I suppose.'
Exactly. Hist ! What is that ? Didn't you fancy that
shadow yonder moved?' said the speaker, in a whisper.
' Mehemet ! ' he continued, in a low tone, and pointing in
the direction in which his eyes were fixed. But Mehemet's
eagle- glance was already upon it. Pipes were hastily thrust
aside, and each of the Europeans drew and cocked his re-
volver.
The hand of Mehemet glides furtively to the hilt of his
kama ; but he says quietly
' Yavash ! Slowly, take time ! There are two,' holding
up two of his fingers. No one speaks ; the gaze of each is
bent upon the spot where the supposed shadow was last
seen. It is no longer there. Scarcely, however, is the
vacancy observed, when another shadow steals, as it were,
* The Yezidis are of the tribe of the Devil-worshippers, and held in
abhorrence by the Mussulmans,
t Cursed be Satan !
KARS 323
into it, and that, in turn, is lost. Presently there is a
scrambling noise at one of the embrasures some little dis-
tance from them. Then an exclamation, succeeded by the
sound of a fierce struggle. They are upon the spot in an
instant; a powerful Turk is holding a man in Armenian
costume down by the throat, whose back is bent across a gun,
while the dagger of his captor gleams before his eyes. The
nearest sentinel challenges and approaches at the noise.
' Bring him into this angle,' said the European we have
before noticed, who was known to the Turks as Achmet
Pasha. 'Some rascally spy, I suppose.'
A lantern was speedily procured. The man was led into
a corner of the redoubt, where the light would not be seen
from without.
' Bak, bak ! see, see ! ' said Mehemet, holding the lantern
to the ghastly face of the prisoner, in whom was at once
recognised the bearer of the letters that morning received.
' Said I not so ? Pezevenk ! (wretch) kiupek oglu ! (son
of a dog) where are the dispatches 1 '
The man was silent.
* Speak, ere I destroy thee ! ' and he drew forth his long,
broad dagger.
But the prisoner still made no reply; and holding his
dagger by the blade between his teeth, Mehemet, assisted by
his servant, Ali, proceeded to search him ; and, at length, a
tiny strip of parchment was discovered sewed into the sleeve
of his garment, with the exact position, weight, and number
of the guns in that portion of the fortification, with the
available number of men used to garrison it, and other par-
ticulars jotted down carefully and regularly.
As Mehemet glanced down the list, his frown deepened
and his eye flashed fire. Suddenly, in a fit of uncontrollable
rage, he snatched his dagger from between his teeth, and
before any of those present could interfere or cry * Hold ! '
he drove it into the body of the wretch, who dropped back-
ward against the work, and then rolled down sideways dead,
almost without a struggle or a cry.
1 What have you done ? ' said he whom we have called
Achmet Pasha.
' Sent him to his father, Shaitan. On my head be it ! '
said Mehemet, sternly. 'Where stayed he? 1 he asked,
turning to his follower.
324 NEWTON DOGVANE
1 At the house of Osman, the dyer,' answered the man
Ali.
'Take three men with thee, and arrest Osman, the dyer,
without delay.'
' You have spoken. Bismillah ! it shall be done 1 ' and
Ali walked away.
' I will account to the general for this. Hast thou that
strip of parchment, O Pasha ? '
' It is here ! ' said the former speaker ; * and it were as
well we took it straight to the general himself. It may be
of importance, should any movement be contemplated by
Mouravieff.'
' Evallah truly, Inshallah ! You say well we will go.'
And they turned away.
'Have you supped, Lavitzky?' asked the last of the
Europeans, who had hardly spoken a word throughout the
business.
'No,' answered Achmet ; ' but I have a measure of beans
to boil with the cut most tender from a horse's leg. One of
the surgeons bargained it to me, as you say, for the good
money, for it was a little what say you 1 a '
' Oh, a little high, I suppose. But never mind that it's
a positive delicacy ! '
' And then, likewise, I have of the black bread a half-
loaf, and, too, a boat-bottle of strong water, which I robbed
from a Cossack whom I ' and he made an imaginary
thrust.
'On my word, your larder is sumptuous; and as I am
going to die to-night, and I should hate to go out of the
world on an empty stomach, why, I'll sup with you.'
' Ha, ha ! My brave 1 you shall be welcome, were you
in the jaws of Death himself. Will Bowers Effendi do me
honour likewise ? '
Bowers Effendi who was neither more nor less than our
friend Ned, considerably metamorphosed by some eighteen
months' rough service and a crisp beard and moustache,
which had accrued to him during that period would only
be too happy to feed anywhere, as his own larder was inva-
riably empty, his appetite, under the circumstances, brin^
really so very good. So, with another nod, they parted.
'What makes you so dull to-night, Vincent? Really,
when you spoke of dying just now, I declare to you that
KARS 325
the word struck upon my breast like a knell or a knock on
a coffin,' said Ned.
* Such a knell has been knocking at my own breast all
c ] av I cannot shake it off. I have laughed, or tried to, at
myself twenty times it is useless. I know that I shall not
live the night out. I'm a strange fellow, and on my mother's
side an old Spanish family there have been many instances
of this species of second-sight. I could tell you some things
which would shake your very strongest convictions against
the supernatural But -there is no time for that now.
Mark my word, I shall take a life and lose one. Death and
I have often been face to face before, and I never feared
him, or felt a tremor hardly in his presence, till now. I am
sorry indeed it is my chief grief that I have brought you
into such a pass as this ; but I thought to have done well
for you.'
' Nonsense, my dear fellow ; don't think of that ; I don't
mind it. Of course, it would be a little more pleasant if
there were a little more grub attached to the duties ; but as
for the fighting, pooh ! I think no more of taking a pop at
a high- flavoured Moscov than I used to at a woodcock at
dear old Crookham. Heigho 1 wasn't that a first-rate pot
I made at that Cossack ? I told you that I took him right
between the shoulders. Bless you ! the fellow flopped over
like a Redhouse pigeon. You wouldn't believe me until we
came across the body at the reconnaissance. Bosh about
dying or getting fellows into fixes ! Wait till Omar lands at
Trebizond ; won't we cut our way through the beggars then !
And when we have driven them all into the sea, and the
war's over, and we are back in jolly Old England again, how
we'll laugh over all our old difficulties and dangers, and fight
our battles over again in the arm-chair by the fireside ! '
* Don't trust to that. Kara will never be relieved ; we are
betrayed. I felt sure of it all along, from the delay which
had already occurred. What else did they get Omar to
Sebastopol for? He wasn't wanted there. If they could
have prevented him from thrashing the Russ at Silistria,
Kars might have been spared ; but something must be sac-
rificed to Russian prestige; and we are the victims. No,
no, no ; Kars never will be relieved, or why have we been
left all these months to battle with starvation and disease ?
Moreover, intelligence has come in I know not whether it
326 NEWTON DOGVANE
be correct or no that Omar has landed or been landed for
lie lias no transport at his own command at Sukum Kaleh.'
1 At Sukum Kaleh ! Good heavens ! why, it's clean lunacy
stark staring madness. But I thought that that the
plan approved by all was to be a '
' To be submitted to the British Home Government, and
by them negatived, as I believe it will be found. Because
the plan of relief proposed was favourably spoken of at
Constantinople ; but you know the Turks were bound not to
act aggressively against the foe without the consent of the allies,
and were obliged first to concert all measures with them. Now,
conceive the plan favoured by the English and French autho-
rities out here, and also at Constantinople, and then con-
ceive Omar being sent to Sukum Kaleh ! we are betrayed ! '
' Indeed it looks like it ; and the chance of any of as ever
seeing dear old Crookham again is very small.'
4 Heigho ! there is much I would alter in the past if I had
my will much we would all alter. What man can say other-
wise? But my time for regret, alas ! is short, Ned, for now my
time is come. I know and feel it, and a solemn dread creeps
over me. There is much between me and my Maker ; and a
long account of evil and neglected opportunities for good
unfolds itself before my eyes. My conscience is ah ! how
unquiet ! Would that all had never been so ! would it had
never been ! You think this strange, I know ; you are
astounded. You never heard me speak so before. Remem-
ber, as I stand here, these are the last words of a dying man.
I have one secret I must tell you. There are others which
I cannot, for there is a closet in every man's breast which
none may venture to peep into. I am not the man you have
ever deemed me to be. I was wild enough once; how I
became so it would be of little use for you to know. But I
trust and believe I never became base not base; I never
canted I was no hypocrite. For years I did not pray,
though I weakly wished to. I felt my weakness and my
wrong, and I owned it to myself. Now leave me. I am
going to to pray, for the first time these ten years for ten
years I have never bent my knee. I told you of poor Charley
Sacheverel ; but I did not tell you all. We you and I
are cousins, Ned. Your uncle Uncle Crabb as you call
him is my father; he married a young lady in Spain, a
Catholic. Her persecutions indeed, the whole story would
KARS 327
take too long to relate now. I can't do it ; he may. I told
you the story of Charley Sacheverel, but not all the story ;
that would not do then. Charley Sacheverel and I were
brothers; he was my younger brother. I sought your
acquaintance purposely. You will remember my putting
a question to you on your likeness ; and you were very like
him. It was with the view of finding out whether the cir-
cumstances of your uncle's marriage were at all known to
you. From your answer, I saw they were not.'
'Good heavens! No I knew he had been unhappy in
his married life, and so became soured ; but I did not for a
moment that is I could not conceive that I I am amazed,
confounded ! Why did you not announce yourself ? Why,
oh ! why, deprive him deprive us all of the the '
* Why should I ? My own life had been no credit to any
one. What had I, an outcast, a vagabond, to do in a respect-
able family? Besides, I saw that time had cicatrised the
wounds ; and if you will have some leniency to a pardonable
vanity I I thought to do something out here which would
take me to his arms with credit. But this infernal system
crushes all ambition and emulation that have anything like
honesty attached to them. Look you, I shall sup with you
to-night, as if nothing had occurred. I shall be the same
being you have seen me, to all appearance. One last piece
of advice I give you ; whatever befalls, trust to Lavitzky ; he
would be hung inevitably if caught, and will, of course, save
himself, and you, if possible. And when I fall don't look
surprised; I shall fall we shall have some fighting ere
long. I say, when it is all over with me, take this this
packet, which is here ' and he pointed to his bosom ' and
carry it to him ' and he pointed through thousands of miles
towards Crookham * and say that had I been spared I would
have loved and honoured him. And now kiss me, cousin,
and say farewell ; and let me feel that at the last of an ill-
spent and wasted life I shall not die without leaving one to
smooth a turf over my head. '
They embraced again and again, in silence ; and when poor
Ned flung himself from the room, his cheek was wet, not
with his own tears alone. It was midnight ere they met
again.
The moon had risen and was high in the heavens ere our
friends left Lavitzky's quarters. The supper which Ned and
328 NEWTON DOGVANE
Vincent had partaken of, and which was not quite of so
meagre a character as Lavitzky had jokingly represented it
to be, was over, and Vincent and Ned, followed after a short
interval by Lavitzky, sallied forth into the moonlight to
visit their posts. Every point and elevation of the fortifi-
cations, as well as the plain beyond, lay glittering before
them ; while here and there the valleys and hollows formed
a sombre relief to the scene. Conversing in an undertone,
they passed from post to post, until they reached the ex-
treme end of Rennison's Lines ; here they paused for a few
seconds.
'Were I the Russian general,' said Lavitzky, pointing
towards the Shirshani Tepessi a rocky height, apparently
difficult to scale, and safe from attack ' that is the point I
should direct an attack upon. I should make a strong feint
upon Tshamash Tabia, and direct a cloud of skirmishers
upon yonder point. It is by no means inaccessible, as I have
proved, and that once gained, Rennison's Lines are turned,
and the whole plateau is commanded.'
1 Oh ! but no one would think of attacking that ; we are
all safe on that point,' answered Ned.
'In that very fancied security lies the danger,' returned
Lavitzky. ' By the way,' he continued, as they turned round,
and were proceeding towards Kmety's quarters, 'have you
heard, Vincent, whether the cholera is increasing ? '
' Fifty down with it to-day ; so I hear,' replied Vincent.
The announcement was received in silence, and a damp fell
on their spirits.
'Where's Teesdale?' asked Vincent, who was still brood-
ing and thoughtful.
' Gone round the lines towards the town ; he must be at
Fort Tchim by this.'
They passed a sentry, and giving the word, strolled on.
They were now passing along the long breastwork called
Rennison's Lines, and pausing simultaneously, they looked
forth over the slope beyond. After gazing in that direction
for some time, they stood leaning against a 1:1111, and smok-
ing and chatting, while the sentry paced slowly up and down
within a short distance of them, occasionally interchanging
a word with his nearest comrade. It was now three o'clock,
and the moon began to turn, though it was still bright, with
a cloudless sky. They were about resuming their round,
KARS 329
when Ned, who had been looking through the embrasure,
said, quietly
'One could almost fancy that those were fields, marked
out with hedges, and all as in England.'
Then, in a louder and a startled tone, he added
* There it is again I could swear that that farther field is
gradually shifting.'
Vincent sprang to the embrasure, gazed fixedly forth for
a moment, and then said, solemnly
'They are fields that will bring death and destruction
amongst us ere long.'
At this moment a word appeared to pass along the line of
sentries, and the nearest approached them and made some
communication to Lavitzky and Yincent.
' I thought so I felt it I knew it,' said Vincent.
' What does he say ? ' asked Ned, whose Turkish was very
indifferent.
' That the enemy are approaching. Run to the general's
quarters and say that Mouravieff is coming up in force.
Stay, I'll go myself. You, Ned, hasten to the tents of the
Rifles, there to the right, and give the alarm ; and bid them
turn out noiselessly and hasten to the spot. Lavitzky, you
had better find the major of artillery, and look to the guns.
Train them low, and cram them with grape, and let them
have it hot and strong,' and he was gone.
Ned was already on his errand.
Ere many minutes had elapsed the fine old veteran, Kmety,
came hurrying to the spot. Laying his ear to the ground,
he announced that he could distinctly hear the movement of
artillery and large bodies of infantry.
'Where is Major Ali Aga ? Hasten to him, sir; tell
him the enemy approach, and his artillery must be seen to
instantly. You, sir ' and he turned to Lavitzky, who had
sent the major's orderly in search of him, 'go to head-
quarters as speedily as possible, and order the reserves to
come to our assistance. Let five companies of the Rifles
take the breastwork to the right ; two companies of the
Arabistans occupy yonder lunette to the right of Yuksek
Tabia ; the remaining six can occupy the breastwork to the
left. Let the reserve guns be posted, two to the right, and
the rest in Yuksek Tabia ; and let the fifth battalion give
their support to Hussein Pasha.'
330 NEWTON DOGVANE
And giving these orders with energy and coolness, he
walked to and fro, directing everything, his eagle-glance
taking in, as by instinct, the dangers of his position, giving
a word of encouragement here, an order there ; his presence
worked like magic upon his officers and men, and the work
of preparation went on swiftly, noiselessly, and without a
particle of confusion ; men and officers seemed to know their
duty to the letter, and did it surely and well.
1 Where is Captain Teesdale 1 You, Major Sartoris, throw
yourself into Yuksek Tabia, and hold it ; I can depend on
you for that.'
And without a word, Vincent, followed by Ned, hastened
to the redoubt.
And now all was prepared and in readiness to receive the
enemy, and a breathless silence ensued, which lasted for
more than half an hour. Straining their eyes out far over
the valley, they distinctly made out three huge columns
of attack, slowly and stealthily approaching, one directed
against the left of the Tshamash Redoubt, one upon its
front, and one full against Rennison's Lines. This last was
the point where most danger was to be apprehended, since,
being only an open breastwork, it might be taken in the
rear, and the defence of this General Kmety superintended
in person.
The hearts of the cousins beat quick, and their cheeks
flushed and paled alternately with apprehension; but the
stern, compressed lip, the flashing, eager glance, the firm
grip with which each held his rifle, showed that there was
no unworthy fear mingled with their feelings. Once they
exchanged a grasp of the hand, and Sartoris, with a melan-
choly smile, shook his head slowly.
Nonsense ! ' said Ned, pettishly, ' I've no patience with
your second- sight predictions. You'll laugh at them to-
morrow.'
But the foe were approaching. It was indeed an anxious
and a trying moment. On this night hung the fate of the
town, of the province ; the fate of the entire Turkish army
in Asia depended upon a mere handful of men, some three
or four thousand, with thirty guns, of various calibre, dis-
persed along a line of fortifications extensive enough to
have required at least treble the force to defend them
properly. Indeed, it was but the consummate generalship
KARS 331
of Kmety in the management of his small force, backed by
the clear-sightedness and most daring bravery of the Pashas,
his officers, alone, that decided the fortunes of the day.
Here were heads to design movements, and hearts, with
heads also, to direct them and carry them out ; here were
no incapable generals, no officers anxious to obtain leave of
absence upon urgent private affairs j and, alas ! there was
no reckless waste in the commissariat department either
small chance of that, poor fellows !
Here the calumniated Turkish Pashas, whose bravery and
endurance, however, was recognised and rewarded, in spite of
English calumny, by their Sultan showed what they were
made of, and proved, by their bearing in the battle, as they
did by their stubborn and unyielding fortitude during the
whole of the siege, that Turkey need trust to no one but her-
self to maintain inviolate her independence.
The names of Hussein Pasha, who had three horses shot
under him, and who, amid a hailstorm of grape and rifle-
balls, rode to and fro, smoking his tchibouk and giving his
orders with the utmost unconcern of Hallil Bey, who,
wounded severely by a rifle-ball, rode off the field to have it
extracted, and then, with his leg bandaged up, returned to
the field and headed his company, still under fire of Colonel
Zacharia Bey, Ali Aga, Hassan 'Aga, Selim Aga, Mustapha
Bey, Mehemet Effendi, and a score of others, need but to be
mentioned to show that Turkey is not yet shorn of the fierce
Osmanli spirit and the martial talent and vigour which once
swept Asia and menaced Europe, and might yet, if she were
left to herself, single-handed hurl back the crafty Musco-
vite to the icy den he is fast emerging from by the aid of
Europe.
But nearer and nearer drew the foe. They reach the foot
of the slope.
* What is going on upon that hill ? ' asked Ned.
1 Wait a moment and you'll see, or I'm much mistaken,'
answered Vincent, who had been giving his orders rapidly
and silently. * They're posting a battery there. There ! I
thought so ; our general opens the ball.'
A single flash and a roar sent the messenger of death in
the direction of the battery. The fire is immediately taken
up along the whole line; the enemies' batteries reply with
tolerable strength.
332 NE WTON DOG VANE
Huge columns of infantry commence their struggle up the
long slope towards the fortifications, animating each other
with loud and thundering cheers, roar upon roar. But the
artillery plies the columns, as they approach, with grape and
round-shot a continuous and increasing patter of musketry
rolls along the lines huge gaps are made in the masses as
they draw nearer rifle- balls thin the heads of their columns
terribly, but still they close up and advance, steadily, deter-
minedly, and in good order.
To the left, the attack is partially successful; Tshamash
is turned ; the breastwork to the left of it and the tents in
its rear are in the hands of the enemy. But the column
directed against Rennison's breastwork fared differently.
With singular daring and coolness, this column, exposed for
nearly half an hour to a withering cross-fire, had struggled
up the slope over all kinds of obstructions, and having at
length arrived within a short distance of the work, began to
open fire ; but the losses they had suffered had damped their
ardour considerably, and seeing that their fire was anything
but strong and well maintained, Kmety threw a fresh de-
tachment of riflemen upon the point opposed to them, and
the effect of this increase soon told upon them. The column,
which was by this time close upon the fosse, some three
or four Russian soldiers having, indeed, actually penetrated
beyond the work, wavered, turned, and slowly retreated,
leaving nearly a thousand dead behind them ; and had there
been but a plentiful supply of grape and other ammunition,
the column might have been utterly annihilated during its
retreat.
Meantime our friends had not been idle. Against the
Yerim Ai a lunette covering some rocky ground to the
left of Yuksek Tabia a fourth column of attack, composed of
some seven or eight hundred men, was directed. Anxiously
they watched its advance. It closes on the lunette with
loud hurrahs ; a feeble scattering volley is the reply.
* What ! By heavens ! the villain is flying,' said Sartoris,
stamping his foot. * Flying, by G d ! and if the enemy
push on with them, all is lost.'
At this juncture an exclamation of 'Yaver Bey!' was
heard.
Ned and Vincent turned their heads, and Captain Teesdale,
followed by one companion, galloped into the redoubt.
KARS 333
Teesdale took his station, giving a few hurried orders to
the men near him, and everything was ready to receive the
enemy. Fortunately they had not pushed on with the flying
garrison of the lunette, or they might have entered with
them ; in which case all would have been over, as the loss
of this fort would have been irretrievable. Most fortunately,
they did not do so, but paused, as if to examine their prize
and take possession of the guns their design evidently being
to turn them against the redoubt and storm it under cover
of their fire. This was an undoubted mistake.
The favourable moment was lost; the panic was sup-
pressed, the dispositions were made, and order restored.
Some heavy firing was now heard in their rear, towards
the town.
'Fort Lake and the Ingliz Tabias are hot at it,' said Vin-
cent ; l and we are getting all the worst of it. What can he
be about ? Ha ! that was a close shave ! '
A bullet had struck away a piece of Ned's forage-cap.
* Keep down. There is no use in making a mark of your-
self. See now ! Give me your cap ; ' and taking it, he placed
it on the muzzle of his rifle and raised it above the ramparts,
the level of which cut the sky-line. The instant it rose
above the line three or four bullets sung over their heads,
and the cap spun away and fell on the ground.
'Good job no one's head was in it,' said Vincent as he
picked it up and once more restored it to Ned. A few
minutes after this the news came in that the whole line of
English Tabias, with the exception of Fort Lake, on which
no attack was made, were in the hands of the enemy the
commander, as at Yerim Ai, bolting at the first charge, and
leaving his garrison to take care of itself, which it did by
following his example.
' What are they doing in the lunette ? ' asked Ned.
'Reversing the guns and preparing to storm us. We
shall have some warm work presently. By Jove ! how
Hussein Pasha is giving it to them on our left! Things
look desperate, though fortunately the attack on Rennison's
Lines appears to have failed, or we might consider the battle
lost. Ha ! I thought so.'
A round-shot flew over the redoubt, ricochetting and
glancing off the top of the parapet.
' Now, then, look out !.'
334 NEWTON DOG VANE
Another and another a volley of musketry and, with
loud cheers, the Moscovs rushed towards the redoubt ; but
when they approached within fifty or sixty paces, a crashing
storm of conical balls tore through them, cutting them down
like wheat-stalks. But on they came unchecked. On the
edge of the fosse, however, another terrific volley from the
defenders of the redoubt made them stagger and turn. Five
or six of the Russians only managed to scale the parapet,
but they were knocked down and bayoneted instantly. One
fellow defended himself obstinately for a minute, when Ned's
servant who had been loading his master's rifle with con-
siderable assiduity, and who was an Englishman, and a
Sussex man to boot, and who, in peaceful hours, was a de-
voted votary to the game of cricket stooped down and picked
up a nine-pound shot, and with a regular round-handed
swing, bowled it along the top of the parapet. Straight as
ever cricket- ball to middle stump flew the shot, cutting the
unfortunate Russian clean off his legs.
' How's that, umpire ? ' said Dandy, as he was called ; and
turning round to receive his master's rifle, he announced
to him that all the ammunition was expended.
1 The deuce ! what's to be done ? I say, Vincent, how
are you off for ammunition ? I'm out.'
' So am I. I didn't bring much with me.'
'Nor I.'
* Here, Dandy, jump over into the ditch and fetch one of
their pouches.'
' And I say, Dandy, if you can find a flask full of any-
thing drinkable, don't be above bringing that too, for this
is dry work.'
'Cert'n'y, Mas' Ed'ard.'
He had known Ned from a boy, and Ned had brought him
from England with him. His history was brief. He loved
a lass who did not return his love, and, consequently, his
mind was set upon leaving his native spot. He had made
his way to Woolwich, resolved, as he said, * to go East/
when, on the very morning Ned and Sartoris were about
* to go East' too, they met him, and took him with them
as servant; and a faithful, honest, and brave fellow he
was.
* Cert'n'y, Mas' Ed'ard ; ' and he stepped over the parapet,
although rifle-balls and round-shot were flying hot and thick
KARS 335
from the lunette, which was only some hundred and fifty or
hundred and sixty yards from them. In a few minutes he
returned with a couple of pouches, almost full of cartridges,
and a flask, both of which were immediately put to their
respective uses.
The Russians did not hazard another attack on the Yuksek
redoubt, but contented themselves with keeping up a brisk
artillery fire from the lunette posting themselves behind it
on the reverse side ; and the fire was promptly and smartly
answered from the redoubt.
The morning had broken slowly, and it was now about
six o'clock, when a reinforcement of Rifles of the Guards
marched into the redoubt, with General Kmety at their
head. He was joyfully received. Instantly a column of
attack was organised, and, led by the general himself, with
loud cries and shouts of ' Allah hu ! ' and * Long live the
Padisha ! ' they dashed upon the foe. In five minutes they
were in the lunette, and Ned and Vincent found themselves
hacking and hewing right and left in a regular melee. No
quarter was asked or received. The sword-bayonets of the
Rifles came into full play, and the Russians were bayoneted
and cut down on all sides. The Turks fought like devils.
At this moment Yincent sprang upon one of the guns, which
half a dozen Russian artillerymen were endeavouring to slew
round against the attacking party, and began cutting down
the cannoneers. One of them made a sweep at him with
the rammer of the gun ; avoiding it, by a dexterous blow of
his sabre he severed it, and with a side-stroke, which fell
full upon the man's cheek, almost cut his head in two. At
this moment Ned, who was hastening to his assistance, saw
him stagger and drop his sabre, and as he fell from the gun,
Ned, who had sprung to the side of the gun, received him
in his arms.
A rifle-bullet had struck him full in the forehead. It was
all over. A faint smile and a light pressure of the hand were
the only tokens he gave of recognition a kind of tremor or
shiver ran through his frame, and the spirit of Yincent Sar-
toris passed away for ever. Just then the Russians fled in
all directions, and left the Turks once more masters of the
lunette.
Some hours later the dun-cloud of battle drifted slowly
from the plain below, and the reek of human blood went up
336 NEWTON DOG VANE
to heaven, appealing for judgment on the deeds of earth for
judgment upon kings and conquerors, who spill blood like
water, and value the image of God as nought in the scale
when set against their own ambition. Heaven ! that man
should slay his fellows by thousands, and should imbrue his
hands in their life-blood, that the hungry greed and curst
devouring madness of the few should be fed ! O God ! that,
for a mere chimera of earthly glory, men should do such deeds
as these !
The wail of orphans and widows floats upwards upwards
accusing. Who, of all these conquerors, shall stand
against it ?
'I am the resurrection and the life.' With mournful
steps and slow, the sad procession moves onwards. The
body of a mortal man is borne to its last narrow resting-
place.
Sadly, slowly, they come on. The night wind moans
through deserted houses and broken walls. The melancholy
cypresses sigh heavily as it sweeps round them, bending their
lofty tops as though in reverence. The slow, measured tramp
of the soldiers, the muffled drum, breaking out now and again
between the pauses of the wind now scarce heard in the
gusts, then swelling more loudly as they die away falls upon
the ear, a mournful requiem. Onward still, without the lines,
to a quiet, secluded spot in a little valley surrounded by
stumps of trees, which stand, like warning ghosts, ghastly
and sere. The flashing glare of the watch-lantern falls for a
second on their shattered and splintered remains, and then,
one by one, they glide back into the gloom, as if impatient
of the light the tomb-marks of a noble grove which cen-
turies have reared and centuries will hardly see replaced
sad evidences of where the storm of battle has touched, or of
the wants of besiegers or besieged.
They stand around the grave.
* Man, that is born of woman, hath but a short time to live,
and is full of misery. He cometh up and is cut down like a
flower ; he fleeth as it were a shadow, and never continueth
in one stay.'
Solemnly, impressively, the words go home to the hearts of
all present. The watch-lanterns shed a, dim light upon the
gloomy scene. Thin, drizzling rain, mixed with sleet, falls
heavily.
AN AFFRAY 337
Again the sonorous voice swells out, more and more solemn
as the service draws to its close.
The body wrapped in its martial shroud, with the sabre
and equipments of the deceased upon it, is lowered gradually
into the grave; the clods of earth fall on it with a dull,
hollow sound which finds its echo in every bosom.
* Henceforth, blessed are the dead ... for they rest from
their labours.' The vanities and troubles of life are for ever
over with him who rests below. 'Ashes to ashes, dust to
dust/
Three volleys are fired ; but they seem muffled, too, by the
wind and rain. The grave is levelled, the turf drawn over
it, and a large stone, backed by a plain wooden cross, on
which are carved his initials, alone remains to mark the
grave of Vincent Sartoris.
CHAPTER XXXIV.
AN AFFRAY
How anxiously, day after day, letters were looked for from
Kars by our friends at Crookham, we need not say. Mother,
father, sisters, paled or sickened with apprehension as the
post brought an occasional letter from their truant. How
each drew a deep breath and whispered words of thankful-
ness when the letter told them he was still unwounded and
well ! Mr. Bowers looked graver, perhaps a trifle aged,
during the last few months; while Mrs. Bowers could not
conceal an air of anxious restlessness, previously a stranger
to her, but which now appeared constantly to haunt her.
How papers or letters containing news from the East were
scanned and pored over what speculations were formed, and
hopes and fears expressed, from time to time ! Of course
Newton was a more constant visitor than ever, and every
scrap of news, every paper or letter, which could bring or
whisper hope was sought out for them by him.
338 NEWTON DOGVANE
Time went on, and each post brought intelligence more
serious and threatening than the last.
One evening the family were sitting around the hearth.
The tea had just been removed. Mr. Bowers, with his
hands resting upon his knees, was looking fixedly into
the fire. Mrs. Bowers had taken up a piece of knitting,
and was ostensibly engaged upon it, but was really en-
gaged in the same occupation as her husband. Uncle
Crabb was fidgeting up and down the room. The girls
were silent, either reading or else looking pensively before
them, while Charlotte was turning over the paper (twice
read already), when they heard a horse pass and go round
to the stables. Bessie blushed, and looked towards the
door.
'Newton,' said Sissy, rising and going to the door to
meet him.
' I wonder if he brings any news/ said Uncle Crabb.
Mr. and Mrs. Bowers looked anxiously at one another,
but said nothing. Newton was delayed for a minute, and
Mrs. Bowers trembled with nervous excitement and appre-
hension. What a wonderful store of love there is in a
mother's heart for her first-born son !
'Cheer up, dearest,' said Mr. Bowers. 'Trust in God,
Charlotte.'
' I do, my dear,' said Mrs. Bowers, rising and putting her
arm round his neck, and kissing him; 'but he's our only
son, Edward.'
' Never mind, dear ; I'll be bound the lad does his duty.
They've thrashed the Russians, that's it. Omar has landed,
and the siege is raised. See if I'm not a true prophet. It's
what I've expected all along eh, Charles ? '
And he turned his face towards Uncle Crabb, who was
still limping and fidgeting about.
' I only wish to Heaven I was there, Edward. I only
' Ay, ay, that you and I could buckle on armour for one
more charge beside the lad, and one blow against the Russian
thieves before we die God and our Queen ! By Jove, I
feel young again 1 '
And the old soldier rose, with head erect and extended
arm ; but suddenly the whole view of the case seemed to
rush before him his son's danger, so far away, surrounded
AN AFFRAY 339
by the foe, shut out from supplies or aid ; and he sunk back
into his chair with a ' Heaven help us ! '
Newton entered. They tried to interpret his looks, which
were grave, but hopeful.
4 A great battle has been fought,' he said.
' And a great victory won,' said Uncle Crabb, resting his
hand on Newton's shoulder and looking into his face. ' Is
it not so ? '
* And a great victory won,' added Newton. ' Ten thou-
sand Russians have fallen in an. attack upon Kars, after a
desperate fight, which lasted seven hours. The loss of the
Turks is trifling in comparison.'
{ Hurrah ! I said it I knew it ! ' said Uncle Crabb,
waving his hand aloft. * Hurrah ! Then the Russians are
thrashed and in full retreat 1 They never could stand after
such a defeat, accompanied with such slaughter never !
Hurrah ! '
And the old gentleman paced about in the greatest excite-
ment.
4 1 don't know about that ! ' said Newton.
' Not know about it ? Why, of course they sallied out
and pitched into them after such a defeat, eh ? Why, you
don't mean to say they've made no use of the victory ? '
' I haven't heard that they did. Perhaps, in a day or
two, we may hear more.'
' Ah ! yes, of course. But if Williams be half the man
he's represented to be, the result cannot be for a moment
doubtful. Depend on't, it's all over by this.'
1 But our son ? ' said Mrs. Bowers doubtfully.
' Well, I trust all is well with him. Many of the names
of the principal officers who have fallen are mentioned, but
I did not see his among them.'
'We'll hope for the best we'll hope for the best. A
bloody engagement, indeed ! Ten thousand Russians, eh ?
Do you know if the boy was engaged ? that is, where the
attack was made ? ' asked Mr. Bowers.
'I fancy he must have been in it,' answered Newton.
* But I hope and trust he has escaped. His name would, I
should think, be mentioned if he did not. To-morrow, or
next day at the farthest, we shall hear all. Meantime, we
must hope for the best. Depend on it, my dear madam
And he turned towards Mrs. Bowers, but she had left the
340 NEWTON DOG VANE
room silently ; and after stopping a few minutes to afford
whatever information he could, Newton rose to go, and, with
a silent pressure of the hand, and a thankful glance from
Bessie, which thrilled him with delight, Newton took his
leave, and galloped homewards.
As he was passing a thick shrubbery, within half a mile
of his house, a man came out of the hedge and called to
him :
' Muster Newton ! Muster Newton ! '
He stopped. It was Mr. Tightner not the Tightner
we have seen, but a smart, well-dressed, keeper-like looking
fellow, who appeared able and willing to do his duty to his
employers, and to look the rest of the world in the face ;
behind him stood his old, blind bull-dog, with his head side-
ways listening.
* Eh ! what is it ? ' asked Newton.
* It's that 'ere scoundrel, Reeks, sir, with that 'ere feller,
sir, as 'ad used to be squire at Dingham, sir. I told you I
expected he was a goin' all wrong at Putney, sir, and now
I knows it. Ye see, he's bin' goin' downwards from bad
to wuss, sir, till he's spent his last copper, sir, and ain't got
a blessed mag to 'elp hisself with ; and I'd known as he'd
took to poachin' lately, cos I ketched a glint on him in
the distance one evenin', comin' out o' Pealed Oaks, sir, and
I'll swear he had a gun in his pocket I knows the dodge
too well not to be able to swear to that. Well, sir, Mr.
Buncomb sayed as how he wur a passin' the Dog and Rabbit
t'other night that's where the mostes of the poachers here
away goes to drink, and gaff, and lay their plants. Well,
the Squire, as they still calls him, has took to that 'ouse
lately, so I knows by that he's reg'lar hand and glove
with 'em. Well, sir, as I was a sayin', Muster Buncomb
was passin' the 'ouse last night. Now, sir, there's one o'
them shutters as don't shut quite close to the hinges, and if
you puts your ear to it, you can 'ear quite plain anything
MS is said in or'nary conwersation ; and Mr. Buncomb, when
he ain't seen no one 'andy, says he often gets a hint through
that 'ere crack so, seem' no one worn't about last night,
he goes and listens, and he hears as plain as \\-ink, .!<>< v
lleeks and the Squire, and another cove he warn't quite
certain who he was, but thought as 'twas Bill-the-bricki -y
brickmaker, sir. They \\a> comvrr.xiu' low-like; bin.
AN AFFRAY 341
they were sittin' close to the winder, he ketched a good deal
of their discourse, and he heard 'ein plan to drive and net
Pealed Oaks and the Fir Strips to-night, and they was to
meet at the stile by Pealed Oaks at ten o'clock. So Mr.
Buncomb ups and tells me, and I've bin' to the 'ouse twice
to-day to see you, on'y you was in town ; so I thought you'd
most likely be along here about this time, and so I stopped
yer; and Mr. Buncomb and Tim him as I has to watch
'casionally is down in the ditch by the hollies in Pealed
Oaks, a watchin' ; for Buncomb's death upon Joe Reeks ;
he's got him werry often down on the back of his shovel,
that's sarten ; and so he's wolunteered, and there he is.
Now, if you don't mind ridin' back to Crookham, and telling
Will that there's a chance of his clearin' scores with the
Squire the Squire turned his sister on the town, sir,' said
Tightner, apologetically Til give him a chance, d'ye see,
and we shall nail 'im.'
* No, no ; that would be gratifying revenge, and ill might
come of it, Tightner. I'll do nothing of the sort; I'll go
myself rather. I'll just ride home, put the nag up, get a
thick stick, and join you here in half an hour.'
Mr. Tightner tried very hard to persuade Newton against
this resolution, saying there would be ' hard knocks and no
change,' and using a variety of similar cogent arguments
against it, all of which failed in their object, for Newton
somehow felt inclined for a little adventure; he had felt
rather dull of late perhaps a smart tussle and a knock or
two would wake him up ; and as for the danger, they were
four to three, and he'd bring his own man with him, to
make quite sure. With this resolve he hastened home, and
changing his dress, and taking a good stout oak-sapling in
his fist, he sallied forth.
His man had gone on an errand, and a bo} r , his son, took
Newton's horse, and thus Newton was obliged to go by him-
self to Mr. Tightner's assistance. Mr. Tightner was standing
under the shadow of the same hedge where Newton had left
him; and on joining him, he again attempted to dissuade
Newton from his purpose, but Newton bade him be silent
and lead the way.
Accordingly, passing under the shadow of a long hedge,
through a large field of swedes, they reached the corner
of the cover which Mr. Tightner had spoken of, and, after
342 NEWTON DOG VANE
proceeding some fifty or sixty yards along the side of it, they
ensconced themselves in a dry ditch. Now, a crouching
attitude in a ditch, whether wet or dry, is anything but
agreeable or convenient, when persevered in for any length
of time. Half an hour passed away without anything
occurring, and the moon began to get up. On their right
was rising ground, and the moon began to show over it.
On their left lay the wood, solemn and dark. There was no
wind, and the night was very still ; occasionally a leaf would
fall whispering between the twigs, or the short hop of a
rabbit, or the longer one of a hare, might be heard rustling
over the leaves, as they left the cover for the swedes.
Another half-hour passed by in silence.
* They can't mean coming, Tightner,' whispered Newton.
' Oh, they'll come, sir, never fear ; somethin's delayed 'em,
that's all.'
* Where are Buncomb and Tim ? '
' T'other side of the cover, sir, about two hundred yards
or so over there ; a whistle 'd bring 'm to us in three minutes.
Hallo ! what's that 1 ' and Mr. Tightner looked towards
the high ground on the right, where the moon now shone
brightly. ' There it is again yes, it's a dog a drivin' of the
turnips. Ah ! then they've bin along 'ere afore we come,
and the gaps and runs is all netted and snared, and the dogs
is beatin' the fields, while they works the cover inside.'
Presently they heard the squeak of a hare, as she rushed
headlong into a treble wire snare artistically laid. A minute
or two after, a dry stick snapped under the tread of some
one in the wood. Then there was a pause ; and then the
dull muffled explosion of an air gun, followed by the thud
of a pheasant which had been roosting aloft.
' Wot's that ? ' whispered Tightner.
'It sounds like an air-gun, I should say,' answered Newton,
grasping his cudgel tighter, and moving a little from his
cramped position.
' Oh ! a hair-gun ; ah ! I've heerd the Squire's got one ;
but I never seen one on 'em. Wouldn't hear that of a windy
night. Then that is the Squire hisself. Look out, sir ; don't
move till I says the when. There's t'others a comin' along
the cover side now, takin' up the nets. Snares can wait (ill
l.i \ light, I s'pose.'
Two forms were seen advancing towards them along the
AN AFFRAY 343
cover side, the moon partially revealing them. They stopped,
took up a net, and were joined by another person, who came
from the wood, and whom they now plainly made out to be
the Squire. They were within thirty yards of them. There
was a whisper and a suppressed laugh. They advanced
again. Two or three rabbits and hares rushed into a net
within ten or fifteen yards of the spot where Newton and
Tightner lay. The three poachers came up to it, were taking
up the net and depositing their capture in a bag, when the
shrill scream of Mr. Tightness whistle rang echoing through
the wood from one end to the other, startling the pheasants
on their roosts, and making a few withered leaves which still
clung to the boughs apparently tremble, as the deep alleys
rang again. Newton and Tightner sprang from the ditch.
*The poachers for a moment paused irresolute; but, seeing
there were only two, the Squire, with a desperate oath,
said :
* There are only two of 'em. Come on, boys ; we'll smash
the
1 Hold off a moment ! ' said Newton. * Squire Driffield, I
am sorry to see a man, once occupying a respectable position,
doing as you do. Listen one moment.' They were about
to rush on them. * Listen yet. Give me your word of
honour that you will not come here again, and leave the
nets and the game you have taken, and go, and you shall
hear no more of this.'
' That be . Come on, boys ; he's only stalling us off
till the others come up,' shouted the Squire ; and the fight
began.
It so happened that Mr. Buncomb and Tim had heard the
air-gun, and, hearing that it was closer to Tightner than to
them, they left their lair, and came quietly slipping along
towards where they knew Tightner to be, and arrived on the
spot just as the Squire, clubbing his air-gun, rushed upon
Mr. Tightner, who stood in front. An ineffectual blow or
two was aimed and exchanged, when they were separated by
one of the poachers' dogs and old Jack, Tightner's blind bull-
dog, who came rolling over and over between them.
Tightner had just time to deal Bill-the-brickey, as he was
called, a staggering right-handed smack on the side of the
jaw with his fist, which left him an easy prey to Tim, who,
following up the attack, got him down, and, amidst a storm.
344 NEWTON DOGVANE
of horrible oaths and imprecations, pinioned him and tied
his hands and feet, when Tightner found himself again opposed
to the Squire.
Newton had had enough to do with one of the poachers'
dogs, which seized him by the thigh, and held on there.
Clutching the dog's throat firmly with his left hand, and
compressing it with all his strength, he forced the half-
strangled brute to quit his hold ; and although the beast
struggled, with its eyes protruding, and its teeth gasping
and grinning at him ghastily, he continued to hold him till,
finding his grasp grow weak, he seized the dog with his
other hand, by the skin of the belly, and lifting it up as high
as he could, dashed it with all his force upon the ground,
where it lay stunned and motionless.
At this moment, as he turned round, he saw Tightner
raise his arm to protect his head, and he saw the stock of
the Squire's air-gun descend full upon it, and beating it
down, come with great violence on Tightness skull ; his
hat was off, and Tightner fell to the ground bleeding and
senseless.
Newton picked up his stick, which he had laid down for
a moment, and turned upon the Squire. 'Whoosh' went
the gunstock just over Newton's head.
Newton saw it coming, and ducked in time, and returned
the compliment by a severe blow on the Squire's left ankle ;
and before the Squire could recover his presence of mind,
another blow on the temple laid him beside his late oppo-
nent.
Meanwhile Mr. Buncomb and his abhorrence, Joe Reeks,
had been going through the most systematic pugilistic en-
counter.
1 Joe ! ' said Mr. Buncomb, * I've got ye ! '
' Dom'd if ye have ! ' said Joe ; * I'll vight 'ee vor a
varden ! '
Joe had no stick, nor had Buncomb, so they pummelled
each other with right good will, and bloody noses, black eyes,
and contused ribs became the order of the night.
No sooner, however, did Reeks see the Squire go down,
than, making a feint at Mr. Buncomb, he suddenly lowered
his head, and butted him like a ram ; and, before Mr.
Buncomb could be aware of his intention or avoid the blow,
it came full against his waistcoat, and he felt, as he was
AN AFFRAY 345
being pitched over (as he afterwards described it), as if ' an
airthquake or a 'lectric fluid had gone through him;' and
springing over Buncomb's prostrate form, Joe Reeks made
off, followed by his dog, which had been mauling poor old
Jack, whose teeth prevented him from being of much ser-
vice in the fighting way, and both of them got clear away,
greatly to Buncomb's chagrin, who had determined on his
capture in flagrante.
The Squire was pinioned, and, on returning to conscious-
ness, found that he was tied to the brickmaker. They were
conducted with some difficulty to the nearest police-station,
where, to end with them, they were sent to the assizes ; and
there being several other little matters against the brick-
maker, he was transported for seven years ; while the Squire
got, for his murderous assault on Tightner, twelve months'
imprisonment with hard labour, and came out of prison a
finished scoundrel, ending his career finally by joining his
quondam associate.
Poor Tightner was severely hurt. His arm was broken ;
and he sustained such injury on his head, that he was dan-
gerously ill for some time.
Newton found, on reaching home, that his thigh was much
mangled, and had bled so profusely that his boot was full of
blood, and although he was not sensible of any particular pain
under the excitement, yet, when he got home, he felt so weak
and giddy from loss of blood, that he almost fainted. He
went to bed immediately, and was obliged to keep there for
some days.
346 NEWTON DOGVANE
CHAPTER XXXY.
FROM WHICH ONE EVENT IN THE CONCLUSION MAY BE
CONFIDENTLY PREDICTED
NEARLY two months had passed, and winter had again bound
the fields in its frozen armour. Newton was seated in a
capacious easy-chair, with his leg resting on another. His
father had gone for a walk, and was valiantly stumping about
over his estate, taking a constitutional, with a thick stick in
his hand, and striving to appear the bluff country-gentleman
attended by his bailiff. Great was he in sheep, wethers,
lambs, and ewes deep in mangold-wurzel, and profound in
swedes. Pursing his lips, and occasionally tapping the but-
tons of his gaiters with his stick, he gave his opinion to Mr.
Watkins, the bailiff (Buncombe's brother-in-law).
' Just what I was going to remark, Watkins. My opinion
exactly, Watkins very good, indeed, Watkins rnangold-
wurzel, of course, Watkins of course.'
' No, sir begging pardon, sir swedes. Swedes and hay,
sir,' Mr. Watkins put in.
' Of course of course, when I say wurzel, I of course, I
mean swedes and hay. So swedes and hay let it be, and
that's settled.'
' Then there's them Down-ers, sir. It's time they was
took in, sir.'
4 Quite right, Watkins. They seem very fat, and in good
condition. I'll speak to the butcher about them directly.'
Mr. Watkins turned aside to hide a laugh, and coughed
and blew his nose violently.
1 No, sir, it's not that, sir quite the other, sir. Ye know,
sir, they'll be down of lambing mortal early; and it's too
exposed like, and too fur from home like, for 'em up here; so
I thought of movin' 'em down to Oatlands.'
1 Ah, yes oh ! eh ? lambing ! to be sure they will. I
forgot about that yes. Let me see, there's exactly just
ah ! two, four
1 A score and a half o' them, sir.'
' A score and a half ah 1 yes ; and when they've bc>
CONFIDENTLY PREDICTED EVENT 347
confined that is, when they've pupped foaled, I should
say '
1 Lambed down, sir.'
'Lambed down exactly what I was going to observe
they'll be worth just oh ! they'll be worth let me see
GXclCulV """"
' It's onpossible to say ezactly wot they'll fetch, 'cause it's
'cording to the sca'city or plenty o' roots and sech feed ; but
they'll fetch a tidy penny in.'
* They will fetch a tidy penny no doubt of it.'
And thus Mr. Dogvane would discuss his stock and agri-
cultural pursuits and prospects, fancying all the time that he
ordered and Watkins advised. Fortunately, Watkins was
thoroughly honest and trustworthy, and the old gentleman
did not lose a great deal of money over his hobby.
But we must get back to Newton. As we have said, he
was sitting in an easy-chair, with his leg upon another
chair. The leg would have been well long since, had he not
somewhat rashly ridden to London, just as it was healing
over, to procure some intelligence from Kars.
Kars had fallen about a week or so before, and the Turks
were at 'length calmed by a defeat.' But no news had
reached home of the fugitive. The news of Vincent's death
had arrived some time before, and by the same mail a large
packet of letters had arrived for Uncle Crabb. On the
receipt of these (so Newton had been informed by Bessie),
after the first glance at them, he had retired to Jiis room,
where he was heard for hours after walking up and down in
an agitated manner ; and when at length he descended to the
parlour, he looked terribly careworn and troubled, and the
traces of deep grief, and even tears, were observed on his
countenance. As he said nothing, and did not in any way
refer to the letters he had received, no one ventured to allude
to it ; but, feeling that he had received some sad news, which
he felt unequal to the relation of, no one thought of intruding
their unsought sympathy upon him.
For many days after, his whole manner and being seemed
changed. He would start away in the morning into the
woods, refusing all offers of company or attendance, and
walk there for hours by himself, until his friends became
sorely troubled at the change which had taken place in
him.
348 NEWTON DOG VANE
But a still more terrible damp fell on the spirits of all our
friends. They could gain no news of their lost one. Kars
had fallen indeed ; but how he had sped, or whither he had
gone whether he had escaped or fallen before the foe
no one could surmise. All was sad and bitter conjecture,
mingled with deep apprehension.
Mrs. Bowers, with Bessie and Charlotte, had called about
an hour before, to sit for half an hour with Newton ; and
Newton was now partly ruminating on their visit, and partly
trying to speculate on the fate of his friend.
'You see/ said Newton to himself, and laying down the
case as though he were endeavouring to assure Mrs. Bowers,
although she was not present, * you see, my dear madam, if
the Russians entered on the 29th, and you heard that he was
safe on the i2th, we may fairly imagine that the blockade was
so strict as to prevent any transmission of letters after that ;
therefore, of course, you could not have heard you see that.
Well, then, supposing them to have marched out on the
28th or 2 gth, you could hardly have heard though they
might, there's no denying that.'
The last sentence was addressed to himself.
* And one would think he would have written/ he con-
tinued, thinking.
Then aloud :
' Of course, his duties, you know, and the hurry of mili-
tary business, and the affairs of the capitulation might have
prevented him. Indeed, he might not have had time to
write. But, then, how is it we don't see his name on the
list ? Eh egad, that looks very queer very ugly. Poor
dear Ned ; I don't know what to think. Curse that crow ;
what on earth does he sit croaking there for ? The beast
seems determined to bear bad tidings, and croak his infernal
intelligence of evil, as if he had been on the spot and seen
something something confoundedly terrible, you know ;
day after day he comes and sits there, and croaks my very
soul out.
'Caw, caw, caw-aw/ went a huge crow, seated upon a
lofty bough on a neighbouring elm.
' Oh 1 I say, you know this is too bad/ said Newton,
with all the nervous irritability of an invalid.
' Caw, caw, waw/ went the thing again.
* I really cannot stand it. Hang it, you know he's a
CONFIDENTLY PREDICTED EVENT 349
regular raven of omen a beast of the most diabolical kind,'
continued Newton, addressing the chandelier, and half rising
with a resolve to do something. ' A perfect limb of the Evil
One. Oh, you beast ! '
And he shook his fist at it as the bird continued :
1 Caw waw, cauk, cauk.'
'I won't stand this any longer. If I do, I I'm I'm
somethinged ; ' and limping to the bell, he pulled it violently.
A man-servant appeared.
* James, bring me my rifle.'
' Yessir ; and some hot water and the scourin' rod, yessir,'
quoth James, going.
4 Not a bit of it. Bring me that small flask out of that
sideboard drawer,' and he pointed to it ; * and pick out the
brightest, cleanest, and roundest bullet you can find, and
give me one of those patches just under the flask. That's
it ; ' and Newton received the various articles as they were
brought to him.
* Caw, waw, waw, wauk.'
* Ah ! I'll make you walk, you brute, in a minute or two ; '
and he occupied himself in loading the rifle very carefully.
* Now, James, open that glass- door very softly. Stop a
moment ; ' and he wheeled his chair round, so as to command
the door perfectly. * Now then,' and sitting down, he raised
the piece as James opened the door, very cautiously, accord-
ing to orders, but with no little surprise on his face. * Con-
found it, how my hand shakes ! I can't cover him. That's
better.'
* Caw, caw '
* Cauk,' finished Newton, as the smart report of the rifle
rang throughout the room, and the crow, stopping suddenly
in his croak, fell headlong from the tree.
* It's that 'ere old beggar with the blue neck and the
white feather in his wing, sir,' said James, bringing the
bird in. 'The werry one as Tightner never could fix.'
' I'm sorry I yielded to my nervous vexation. But
there it can't be helped now; I daresay he's devoured
pheasant's and partridge's eggs not a few.'
' Ah ! that he has, sir, and young ones, too, likewise
chickings.'
1 Well, nail him upon the barn, James,' and Newton again
subsided into thought.
350 NEWTON DOGVANE
Several days passed by, and still no news. A week ten
days a fortnight the suspense became terrible. Mr.
Bowers grew visibly older and more bent ; and Mrs. Bowers
even tottered in her walk, and acquired a habit of talking
to herself, not pleasant to hear. The girls grew restless,
pale, and fidgety always on the look-out, under a constant
wearing strain of expectation. Charlotte was the most
cheerful ; but then she had received good news of an early
return from the East.
Newton, who was now able to get about well with the use
of a stick, and was fast getting up health and strength
again, was all that the kindest brother and the most con-
siderate, attentive son could be; but still the deepest
anxiety and suspense prevailed.
At length one morning they were sitting at breakfast,
when the post came in. The correspondence was turned
over hastily, with many a sigh ; another morning no letter,
no news.
One letter, a dirty scrap of a thing, lay aside, half neg-
lected ; Charlotte took it up
' Some bill or begging-letter, I suppose,' she said, break-
ing the envelope slowly, in answer to a look from Bessie.
The contents were in another envelope ; that too was slowly
opened ; and glancing at them, she suddenly started and
turned as pale as death, then flushed again.
' Read it, dear,' said Mrs. Bowers, who had noticed her
agitation ; 'I can bear it anything better than suspense.'
It was but a few lines from Ned, a hurried scrawl :
' I know not whether this will ever reach you, as it comes
by a chance hand. We are going to give up Kars ; though
I feel sure, if we had come out a month or six weeks since,
we could have thrashed Mouravieff. But that's all no use
now. Our privations have been severe ; but, thank God, I
am in good health, and sound in wind and limb. Kolman
and Kmety have determined to cut their way through the
llussians, and Lavitzky joins them. I shall also make one
of the party; we have not yet decided the hour we sh.-ill
start at; but I suppose it will be about midnight. Fare-
well Another twelve hours will decide my fate. If I
escape, you will soon hear from me, perhaps see me. If I
fall forgive and bless your poor Ned. Here comes Lavitzky;
CONFIDENTLY PREDICTED EVENT 351
he says I have not a moment to lose. God bless yon all.
In haste, NED.'
A dead silence for a moment or two followed the reading
of this. No one liked to speak or say what they feared.
' They escaped three weeks ago, or nearly four, and we
have heard nothing/ said Uncle Crabb, dreamily, ' nothing.
I'll go over to Dogvane's this instant. He's the only person
who seems able to suggest anything, or to look at things
sensibly and clearly;' and, bustling up, the old gentleman took
his hat and stick, and sallied forth, leaving the family sick
with deferred hope and fear, and almost verging on despair.
* I tell you, I've been thinking about it all night, Bessie,
and I've made up my mind to go. I'm not by any means
satisfied that that he's a that is, you know I can't say
it. He may be wounded, or a taken prisoner by robbers,
or a hundred things. I'll ransack Asia Minor : and if
money and determination can find him, I'll bring him back
to you, if he's there, alive and I feel sure he is. As to
strong enough and well enough, I'm strong and well enough
for anything. I only carry this confounded stick because
I've become used to it ; ' and he threw it away from him.
' You see, I sat up studying the map last night with
Uncle Crabb, and, do you know it's one of the most singu-
lar things I can't make it out but he's actually deter-
mined to go with me? He has, indeed. WeD, you may
look surprised.'
' But you never consented, dear Newton, to allow him to
undertake such a journey, even with with you to attend
and take care of him.'
' I suspect,' answered Newton, * that he's a deal more
likely to take care of me. I never saw a man possessed of
such cool, calculating determination upon a point. I tried,
of course, all I could to dissuade him ; but he cut me short
so sternly and decisively, that I had not a word to say.'
' Indeed ! ' said Bessie, stopping, and looking up at Newton
with wondering surprise.
They were walking up and down the avenue in front of the
house, Newton having driven over immediately after break-
fast to announce his intention.
* Yes/ answered Newton. ' He said, " Sir, you attempt to
352 NEWTON DOGVANE
dissuade me from a duty. I have my own reasons for going ;
and even if you refused to go with me, I should go by myself.
I presume I have arrived at the years of discretion, sir; I
presume that I know what I am going to do, and what my
own intentions are? Not another word, sir, not another
word." What could I say ? I that is, you know, I why,
I shut up, and he took the map, traced the route out, and
arranged everything and in eight-and-forty hours from this,
we start for Constantinople, where we get a firman, a sort of
passport, and from there we proceed to Trebizond, or perhaps
Batoum. It depends upon how we find things are going on
there, when we get to Constantinople. So now it's all settled,
and there's no more to be said about it.'
* Oh, Newton ! how good, how kind of you to do this for
us ! What claim have we on you, that you should incur such
risk, such danger and difficulty, for us ? What what '
And poor Bessie paused, almost in tears.
' Claim ! pooh ! fiddle-de-dee ! Claim ? Why, every
claim. Isn't Ned my oldest and dearest friend ? and doesn't
it almost break my heart if a man can break his heart to
see your dear mother and father daily and hourly weighed
down and slowly devoured, as one might say, by grief and
suspense ? Shouldn't I be a brute, unworthy to walk on on
two legs,' said- Newton, in sheer desperation for a simile,
' if I didn't do what I could to alleviate such distress as I
daily see the cruelest evidences of in those I love and respect
almost as much as my own father and mother ? '
And Newton waxed eloquent, and flourished his arm till
he knocked his knuckles smartly against a tree.
* Confound it ! ' he continued, putting his hand in his
pocket, * I should be a a regular cow, you know, if I didn't
do it and you, left behind, too, to see after my old folks.
You must, you know, because tlieifll have no one to cheer
them up.'
* You know I will, Newton,' said Bessie, with a half-sob.
* I'll be like a daughter to them, I'm sure.'
' And when we all return together, well and jolly as as
as possible, you know, oh ! then won't you 1 that is '
There was a deal of hesitation and flurry in Newton's
speech and manner at this point.
' I meant to say, wouldn't you be ' And he pausi-.l
again. * Hang me, if I know how to say it 1 '
CONFIDENTLY PREDICTED EVENT 353
' What is it you would say, Newton 1 ' said the malicious
little gipsy, in a tone of trembling, frightened innocence,
painfully assumed.
'Why I that is wouldn't you be a real daughter to
them ? That's what I mean ! '
And he bolted it out desperately.
' Ah, Newton ! ' And Bessie looked up, a delicious con-
glomeration of smiles, tears, and blushes. 'How could I
refuse any longer ? '
' But you don't mean to say right out that you will and
_and '
And Newton paused in perplexed and amusing astonish-
ment.
1 Does it offend you ? '
' Offend me ! Good heavens ! no of no ! I'm in the
seven hundred thousandth heaven of happiness and astonish-
ment at my good fortune ! It's a bargain, mind,' he con-
tinued, very seriously, as if he wished to secure his position
beyond a doubt.
' A bargain ! ' repeated Bessie ; ' there's my seal on it ! '
And giving him her hand, she looked up in his face, her
own glowing crimson.
Oh ! that curving, undulating, double line of swelling
coral ! Oh, cherries and peaches ! Oh, murder and turf !
Oh, holy Moses ! What did Newton do ? Precisely what
any other gentleman would have done under the circum-
stances, he sealed the bargain too. He was not satisfied
with doing so once. I don't believe he was satisfied with
twice doing so ; it's almost a question whether he'd have
been satisfied with three times, had not ' A-whurra ! ' some-
thing between a cough and a sneeze, burst from some one
just behind them.
It really was too bad of him; but, when they looked
round, there stood Uncle Crabb ! He had walked along
the turf, so that they did not hear him coming; and he
now stood, looking with an air of quaint surprise from the
one to the other culprit.
' Upon my word, Miss Bessie Bowers, this is pretty well !
Pretty fair 1 Very promising for a modest young lady to
be '
4 Uncle ! uncle ! '
And Bessie's face was buried in his bosom.
354 NEWTON DOGVANE
* Hands off, you minx ! '
But she wouldn't.
' Upon my word, sir ! '
And he turned to Newton, who stood covered with con-
fusion, and blushing to the very roots of his hair.
' We were that is we were talking about the capitu-
lation '
' Oh ! the capitulation ! Well, it was rather sudden ; and
you don't seem to have starved the fortress ! '
And he moved Bessie's face from his bosom a moment,
looked lovingly into her eyes, kissed her tenderly, and then
replaced the face, patting her head, and fondling her long
curls, as he continued
* There's a great deal to be done before you have my con-
sent to this, sir. It's no time to talk soft nonsense now ;
when you've earned her, she shall be yours not before.
You know what I mean.'
'I'll do anything that man can do sir,' said Newton,
bravely.
' 1 know you will I feel you will, my boy ; I don't think
I've mistaken you. There ! God knows it's not for me
an old, withered, childless stump, to curtail your happiest
moments. They're few, alas ! for any of us ; for sorrow comes
soon soon ! Oh ! good God, how soon ! how bitterly ! '
And again kissing Bessie, and wringing Newton's hand
warmly as he gave her back to him, he dashed a tear aside
and strode rapidly past him towards the house.
Newton looked round to speak to him, but a bend in the
avenue hid him from his sight ; and when he again turned
to speak to Bessie, she was gone too.
CONCLUSION 335
CHAPTER XXXVI.
CONCLUSION
IT is a fine afternoon in early summer. All Crookham seems
astir. The very village is in an excitable and simmering con-
dition. There you may see at the village-green, conversing
in knots, the gossips of the place.
The village blacksmith leans over the low half -door to
interchange a word or two with Bungey the tailor, the arbi-
ter eleg . No, I don't think his trousers could be called
elegant, for they display that peculiar cut which fairly and
strictly entitles them to be called bags,' as modern slang
hath it. Bungey's cut is famous for a mile round.
1 When air they expected, Mr. Bungey ? ' asks the smith.
Whereupon Mr. Bungey, who is of a talkative and highly
imaginative disposition, enters into a very long disquisition,
commencing with how * Job Hawkins come in that very
morning to be measured for, &c. &c., and Job says, says
he , and I says to Job, says I,' getting thence by a
singular process into the last parish row about the latest
new pump, and thence again into a wider survey of politics
in general, embracing Bungey's views of the history of the
war, with a slight description (and this was always a cer-
tainty) of how Bungey was called out in 1812, including the
relation of the campaign of Chigley Hurst (a neighbour-
ing common where the militia of the period had had a field-
day, Bungey being trumpeter), bringing in also the venerable
and right reverend- joke of the goose and the pig, which all
Crookham had heard very many thousands of times ; then
gliding into the subject of the late Sir William Yasey's nurse,
whom Bungey remembered, ' and she was a Cartholic, she wos
leastways, always crossed herself, she did ; yes, she did,
and I'm telling you the facts, I am ; yes. Well, she come
from furring parts, she did, French parts may be ; for we wos
expectin' Boneypart then, and I used to, &c. &c.' (more about
1812), 'and Boneypart, he was a Frenchman, you know, he
was, that's wot he was, same as this un is, which there's
no trusting of a Frenchman ; you never knows when they'll
356 NEWTON DOGVANE
have you, you don't ; for I remember ' (extracts of Bungey's
experience of a Frenchman who 'had him,' with anecdotes
thereof, back again, at the word ' furriner,' to Sir William
Yasey's nurse) ' a sittin in that there very rumble, as it was
a dusty day, I mind, and they come round that there very
highdentickle corner, wi' six osses at a gallop, jest the same
as them we're a expecting now. For furrin parts is f urrin
parts, and you can't never say to a minit when you're a
going to return from 'em, no you can't, for you may be
blowed up in a steam-boat, or get took by a privateer in the
wery mouth of the Thames itself, you may ; still, a hour
or two 'aint no objick of a fine day like this ; and " long-
expected 's come at last," perhaps in an hour, perhaps later,
what odds ? Still, talkin is dry work ; and he thinks he'll
go across to the Grapes and have half-a-pint.' Exit Bungey,
thirstily; whilst Smith, after looking Grapeward for one
minute, and wiping first his brow and then his mouth with
the back of his wrist, exits for the same purpose, and joins
the knot of eager talkers assembled at the Grapes.
But if there is great excitement in the village, there is a
restless and never-ceasing activity at Mr. Bowers's ; not a
moment passes, but some one runs from the house to the
gate. Will, the man, has posted himself up in the hedge, at
the corner of the road, so as to command a long sight ; he
has been there ever since about six o'clock in the morning,
and it is now half-past three in the afternoon.
Mr. and Mrs. Dogvane are at Mr. Bowers's, and Sir John
Yasey is there, and the girls are full of anxiety, and run con-
stantly to look out of the gate ; and oh, that blessed avenue 1
how many hundred times have twinkling feet tripped up
and down it since sunrise.
There is a great improvement visible in the appearance of
both Mr. and Mrs. Bowers. They haven't looked so well or
so cheerful for months as they have done to-day.
'What o'clock is it, dear?' asks Mrs. Bowers for the
three hundredth time.
* Twenty-nine minuth to four, ma/ answers Sissy, who is
like a wild fawn in her movements.
' Dear me ! ain't they very ? Is it possible any ? '
' Law, ma ! don't worry yourthelf ; you know they can't
be here muth before four. So now do, there'th a dear, dear
old mam, do jutht (kissing her), do be '
CONCLUSION 357
' Hark ! ' and Mrs. Bowers straightens herself up suddenly,
and listens, trembling violently. ' It is wheels ! '
'Only the butcher's cart, dear; don't be excited,' said
Charlotte.
' It's not,' said the old lady, almost fiercely. ' I've heard
that for twenty years, and should know the sound well. It's
the galloping of horses ; I hear it.'
They all listened. Will comes tumbling down all of a
heap, anyhow, out of his perch ; sprawls in the dust up
head over heels rushes towards the gate with his hat off,
his . hair streaming wildly, his eyes unnaturally extended,
owing to the vigil he had kept, and shouts, ' A yaller po'-chay
and four 'osses a gallopin' like mad.'
1 Lead me in, Edward,' said Mrs. Bowers, faintly. ' Your
arm, Charlotte, my love. The the sun is oppressive.'
The galloping approaches. Round the corner whirls the
post-chaise. Crack ! crack ! *up the avenue, dashing the
gravel, crashing the shrubs. It hasn't quite drawn up,
before Will has the steps down and the door open. Out
steps Captain Stevens, now Colonel ; out steps Newton ; out
steps Uncle Crabb, in deep mourning. A shriek almost rose
to Mrs. Bowers's lips, when no yes who is that tall
soldierly fellow, with the handsome bronzed face, and the
long dark moustache, and heavy beard and whisker, with one
arm in a sling, who is helped out with some little difficulty 1
It never can be. But, nonsense there, of course it is
what's the use of trifling ? It's Ned ; and that good-looking
foreigner on the box is Lavitzky.
Shall we attempt to describe the meeting ? Certainly
not ; for this is a passage which is peculiarly one of those
where description loses its force. It won't come up to
imagination, so imagination must make up for the loss
of it.'
Hours later they were still conversing.
* So you know all about the siege, and all about the
capitulation, as far as the papers gave it you ; but we shall
all know more about it by and by eh, Lavitzky ? '
' I seenk so. It vill all be plain, my frent, too late to be
of good for you. The fortress is gone ; your prestige is gone
with it. The East is not resemble to England. The Rus-
sians gain greatly by that loss. You haf been imperial ; no
longer so. What thinks the ignorant ? England was great ;
358 NEWTON DOG VANE
Russia is greater. He knows no better than fact. Time
will show.'
' By Jove, he's right, you know ; right as the mail,' said
Ned. ' Well, as I was saying, we somehow missed Kolman
and Kmety; they started before us, and we, thinking to
overtake them, followed them ; but we got into the wrong
track, and fell upon a lot of Cossack beggars. There were
but three of us. It was out sabre and at 'em. We broke
through them like a flash of lightning. Poor Dandy ! I saw
him get a lance thrust ; but the brave fellow hung on some-
how, though we were forced to leave him, in that struggle
for life, amongst the snowdrifts of Lazistan, where he laid
down and died of exhaustion. We went back the next day
to look for his body, but never found it. Two days after,
we were attacked, whilst we were still in the mountains, by
a troop of horsemen. Fortunately, I had a brace of revolvers,
and Lavitzky one, so we emptied seven or eight of their
saddles for them before they left us ; and the power of those
tools so completely staggered them, that they bolted like a
flock of sheep not before I got the pistol-shot in my arm,
which proved so troublesome afterwards. It was a fortunate
attack though, as it turned out for us eh, Lavitzky ? '
' We should haf starve bot for that,' answered Lavitzky.
1 Our horses, which wern't wonderful at the outset, as you
may imagine mere skin and grief, you know were clean
beaten ; so we made an advantageous exchange. And then
we found some grub and some ammunition, and we borrowed
a shawl or two from the bodies of the robbers we had knocked
over ; and altogether, barring the pistol-shot, the visit was
a seasonable one, for the next night was awful. We had to
camp out, and make our horses lie down as a sort of ram-
part, to shield us from the wind, which was like razors and
needle-points. At Artvin my wound became so painful, and
my arm so swollen, I knocked up. Thanks to Lavitzky, who
had some little knowledge of surgery, I have it still. Indeed,
without his help and his knowledge in every way, I should
have have stopped two or three times on the road home,
and never have got any farther.'
Who wouldn't have been Lavitzky, could they have seen
the glances bestowed upon him ?
1 The advantage was mutual, my frent. Needer could have
escaped wisout ze oder.'
CONCLUSION 359
' Don't see that ; but never mind. At Artvin, as I said,
I knocked up, and there I was, regularly down with fever.
I don't know how long I was there L'avitzky says six weeks
before I got to the turning-point. But I'm sure it was
touch and go with me once or twice, and, but for Lavitzky's
constant attention and kind nursing well, well there, I
won't.' This was in answer to a gesture of dissatisfaction
from Lavitzky, who again became the centre of attraction.
' However, it did turn at last. I was just able to leave my
room, and get about in the open air a bit, when Newton and
Uncle Charles charged full on to us.'
1 It was very fortunate that by so singular a chance we
should happen on your messenger at Batoum, or we might
have wandered about, inquiring and searching after you
for months, without finding you. Still I felt sure that you
would make for the nearest seaports, and that, if you were
alive, we should hear of you between them and Kars, and my
surmise turned out right.'
; Yery fortunate. I never was so glad to see any one in
my life, for our purses were stripped of their last piastre,
and we were completely floored. I think I'll smoke a weed
outside. Siss, you young scamp, wheel that easy-chair out
through the glass-door. The evening is very pleasant ; some
of you may like to join us. How familiar the old garden
seems ! How I remember every tree and shrub ! How often
I used to call them up during my solitary walks along the
lines of Kars ! '
'There's one thing I've never ventured to mention,' said
Newton, as he and Ned stood leaning against the wall ; ' I
can't understand what Uncle Charles would insist upon that
week's journey by himself for. Of course, one couldn't ask,
the information not being volunteered. But, seeing that we
as near as possible lost our passage by it, it was something
most singular. What could he want to go to Kars for ? '
1 He went to the grave of his son.'
' His eh ? what ? '
* His son. Vincent Sartoris or Vincent Bowers his name
really was was his son. Well you may look surprised, and
yet not be so surprised as I was when Vincent told me all.
Some clay uncle may tell you more about it ; but he is usually
very reserved, and probably would not speak, even to me, of
it. When he was a young man, he married a very beautiful
360 NEWTON DOG VANE
Spanish girl, and brought her away to England. Her family
were very rigid Catholics bigoted indeed regularly in the
hands of the Jesuits'; and before they had been married
three years, happening to have to go to Lisbon on business,
the monks, or the family, or some of them, got hold of her
and her two children during his temporary absence, and got
her away, and shut her up where, he never could discover,
though for years he sought her, and used every endeavour to
find her and his children, without effect ; and well it might
be so, for they were actually in a religious house, closely
watched and guarded, in the neighbourhood of London,
while he sought her in Spain. She died at length ; but not
before she had told her eldest son, Yincent, the whole truth.
He assumed the name of Sartoris. Poor Yincent ! He was
a noble fellow, but curious on some points ; he held strange
views and opinions of men and things, as you know. The
story he told us of Charley Sacheverel and the duel was
quite true ; only Charley Sacheverel was his younger brother.
He did not tell us everything, because he had some object
in finding out whether the truth was known to me. He
wanted to know how his father was likely to regard him, or
something of that sort. He fell, as you know, at Kars ; and
the evening that he fell, some hours before, he told me all.
Alas ! we buried him ! What a dreary night it was ! I sent
a long letter, containing a full account of what I had heard,
and also one or two from Yincent himself, mentioning the
packet of letters and other papers, to Uncle Charles, accord-
ing to Yincent's desire, which letters he had always carried
in his bosom, and I retained, fearing to trust them by post,
as there were deeds of importance among them ; and that
brought Uncle Charles out ; and naturally he wished to see
the grave of his son, too, and I believe he had a tombstone
erected over it, and everything done that could be done, and
but they are coming out. It really is a beautiful evening.'
A day or two after this, Ned was leaning against the old
sun-dial in the middle of the garden, when Uncle Crabb,
who had been writing several letters, came out of the house
and joined him.
'Well, my valiant contingent,' this was the way in
which Uncle Crabb had been in the habit of addressing Ned
of late, as alluding to his service in the Turkish Contingent)
'well, my valiant contingent, what are your future plans I
CONCLUSION 361
Have you had enough of the soldiering line, or will you con-
tinue in the gallant corps 1 or what will you do ? '
* Really, uncle, I hardly know. It's a question I have
often thought about of late. As for continuing in the sol-
diering line, as you call it, I don't see how I am to, even
if I felt inclined, which I don't. It isn't that I dislike the
service, or the fighting, or anything of that kind,' said Ned,
seeing a look of surprise steal over his uncle's countenance.
' Not a bit of it ; for there's a wild delight and excitement
in it that makes one's blood tingle, after the first distaste is
overcome. There's a kind of self-reliance it imposes upon
a chap, which makes a man of him, and there's constant
novelty and constantly fresh materials for study. And if
one could win the rewards such a career ought to offer by
long and honest service, or by superior talent and attain-
ment, by hard study or high courage and daring, and all
those qualities it seems to me a soldier should possess, why,
I should like it well enough. But when I see the highest
rewards bestowed upon men who have the most damaged our
fair fame ; when I see men admirals and colonels who have
never, or hardly ever, smelt powder, and lieutenants who
have served half over the world ; when I hear of brave old
admirals shooting themselves, as the only way of preserving
their honour why, I don't look upon either branch of the
service as an employment or career which one need desire
particularly to belong to. No ; I thought, perhaps, if I
could find any kind of civil berth abroad, where one could
make a little competence in a few years no matter about
danger, or sickly climate, or anything of that sort a man
must run some risk, you see why, I '
* How strange such an idea should occur to you.'
* Yes ! Why, you see, English society is very tame, very
rotten, and butter-milky. Look at the men. I used to like
them very well once ; but now, somehow, Vincent's society,
and his death, and all together, it seems to have changed
me ; and I should, I must say, like to be able to live free
and independent. My ideas would be very moderate. I
think a couple or three hundred a year would do it ; some-
where on the wildest coast of Ireland or Scotland, with fish-
ing and shooting, deer-stalking and seal-shooting, boating,
saving wrecks, and all that sort of thing no snobs, no gents,
no humbugs to turn one's stomach that's what, in a few
362 NEWTON DOGVANE
years, I should like to retire to, so that, if I liked, I could
pack up my traps at a minute's notice and be off to South
America, or Central Africa, or wherever I choose, with gun,
and rod, and perhaps one companion, and travel anywhere
" in search of adventures." '
' It is, as I said before, very strange, because I have it in
my power, Teddy, my boy, to offer you the very thing you
desire. You know all about my my wife ? '
Ned gave a short nod.
* She left some largish estates in the Havannah. They
have come to me at last \ for most of the family are dead,
I find and those who are left desire to repair the wrong
done to me, and so have facilitated my obtaining possession
of them in every way in their power, and I have them, in
spite of priest or devil. The present manager of the estates,
Mr. , desires to come home to England, having in a few
years amassed a considerable fortune, and his health failing,
he wishes to be relieved. Now, here is just the opportunity
for you. You can easily, if you like, by giving attention to
those estates, and to other branches of trade which may
come within your reach, also make a handsome fortune in
a few years, and yet do me justice too. You must, of course,
go to a first-rate accountant's for three or four months, and
learn arithmetic, pick up commercial ideas and business
habits, and so forth, all of which, of course, you are pro-
foundly ignorant of now. Then you will go -to Havannah.
Mr. will remain with you for six months, in order to
give you every information, and to put you in the way of
managing matters ; after which, he will come home, and you
will remain there master. Ten years will probably realise
you a handsome independence, and at four or five and thirty
you can retire, come home, and pick up a wife or, if you
still prefer it, sling your hammock amongst the wildest of
the Celtic tribes, or practise rifle-shooting amongst the Pata-
gonians and Kaffirs.
'Not another word need be said on it,' said Ned, shaking
his uncle's hand warmly, * not a word. It's a bargain. I'll
fish up some musty accountant, and worry his life out for
the next three months ; and if I can't square the circle of
double extra entry, and all that sort of thing, in three
months, call me a noodle, and make me an attache.'
'Take a day or two to consider it,' said Uncle Crabb.
CONCLUSION 363
c Not an hour ! What's the use of considering whether I
shall open my mouth when a fellow offers me pudding and
I'm hungry? Of course I'll go. And won't I make the
niggers " Walk Jaw-bone," of an evening, to the banjo and
bones ? " Get away, black man, don't you come a-nigh me ! "
Yaw, yaw ! ' and, snapping his fingers, Ned fairly danced
into the house, to his sisters' great astonishment.
A few weeks after this, Uncle Crabb was stalking along
through Dingham Lane, with Newton on one arm and Bessie
on the other. He had requested their company for a little
stroll.
*I want you two,' he said to them, 'to take a stroll with
me, and to come and look at a purchase I have lately made.'
And as they had not the most distant idea of what the
purchase might be whether an estate, or a house, or a
horse, or cow, or what they went with him, slightly won-
dering as they came to Rosedale, as the cottage which Mrs.
Spelthorne had vacated, was called.
Uncle Crabb drew a key from his pocket, and opened the
gate with the air of a man who was accustomed to do so.
Their surprise, however, was much increased, on looking
up, to find that the cottage had changed its name, and was
called ' Crabb's End.' It was not, perhaps, quite so eupho-
nious as Rosedale, but it was a deal more significant.
1 Good gracious, uncle,' said Bessie ; * why, you don't mean
to say that you've bought it? Why, you've been actually
building on to it too, and you've quite reformed the grounds.
And so you really mean to commence housekeeping on your
own account ? '
* Yes, pet, yes I that is, I may, if I can find a house-
keeper to my mind. I thought at first about advertising for
one; but I don't know I think I've found one without.'
'You'd find it difficult to meet with one to suit you,' said
Bessie, with a merry glance at him.
' I don't know that I've had one in my eye some time
now, who'll do admirably. Come in. There ! how do you
like that ? '
And entering the new part of the building, he threw open
the door of one of the snuggest of snug rooms, furnished a
merveille for an old bachelor, with bookcases, and a choice
collection of books in them.
' You see, I hate to have to go up into a cold library
364 NEWTON DOG VANE
whenever I want to refer to or get a book, so here I have
'em at hand, complete. D'ye think it's comfortable ? '
* Oh ! it's perfectly charming quite in keeping. You've
every appliance for comfort and luxury.'
'So, that's my sitting-room; and here,' crossing the
passage, and opening another door ; * here's my bedroom ;
beyond that is the man's room, and beyond that again a
little kitchen/
' But but there is plenty of kitchen accommodation,
if I remember right; what could you want with another
kitchen ? '
'Why, I like to have a kitchen of my own. Ah ! you see,
if one should not be on good terms with one's housekeeper,
one would like to retire to one's den, with only a man, whom
you could fling bootjacks at, and who's paid to stand it, and
growl at one's ease.'
' Oh ! I see ; so you mean to play hermit when you like.
But but you seem to have a great deal more room here
than you can possibly require,' continued Bessie, as they
passed on to the other part of the house.
' Oh ! these are the housekeeper's apartments, and I shall,
of course, come here occasionally, so I've made them toler-
ably comfortable ; ' and entering a handsome little dining-
room, beautifully, perfectly furnished, they paused. It was
completeness itself.
On the buffet was a handsome service of plate.
Newton was loud in his admiration of the room.
' It was/ he declared, ' all that comfort and elegance could
require.'
' I'm glad you like it,' said Uncle Crabb, ' for I hope to
see you dine here occasionally; that is, as often as you
like, you know ; ' and Uncle Crabb chuckled as if he had
said something highly humorous ; it was the first time since
his return that Bessie had seen him do so.
The drawing-room, too, was a gem * a love of a room/
Bessie declared it to be. It opened into a tasteful con-
servatory, filled with choice plants ; at one end of the room,
with a cover over it, was apparently some dearly-cherished
picture.
' That's the likeness of the housekeeper I've had in my
eye so long, my dear,' said Uncle Crabb, following Bessie's eye ;
* I keep it veiled, because"! cherish it so dearly. However,
CONCLUSION 365
you may see it, if you like ; ' and flinging back the drapery,
a large pier-glass, reflecting Bessie full-length in it, stood
revealed to view.
Uncle Crabb sat down on one of the couches, and posi-
tively laughed at Bessie's astonishment.
* What ! me to be your housekeeper ! I don't see it.
But how can I ? Is there any joke in it, uncle ? You laugh
so, I can't '
* Joke, my darling ! not a bit ; only you're surprise is so
delicious I wouldn't have lost that look of bewilderment
for any money. No, no. The joke is, my love, that you
are to be my housekeeper ; but the house is your own, the
grounds are yours; two hundred acres of the richest land in
the country, stretching away and joining Mr. Dogvane's land
at Dingham, is yours too. It's all yours, every bit, except
that bachelor den below, which / mean to be sovereign lord
and emperor over; and a more tyrannical old buffer than
I mean to be in that domain, don't exist. So not a word,
now. In that desk you'll find the deed of gift and the
titles, with a spare thousand or so of ready cash to buy
trumpery with. Not a word, not a word ; take possession
whenever you like. I've done as much for Charlotte, though
she don't want a house ; and as for Ned, in five or six years
he'll be a man, and will have made a fortune ; and I don't
see, so that you're all roofed-in comfortably, what better I
can do than live here. I shan't be in your way, I hope,
my dear, nor you in mine. Now, you see, young fellow,
why I told you not to settle on a residence until you heard
from me. Will this suit you, eh? or would you prefer
Dealmount 1 '
1 Ah ! I half suspected what you were about, sir, when I
saw the initials N. D. on the soup tureen below. I fancied
that didn't stand for Charles Bowers; and N. D. you'll
allow, is suggestive.'
1 Oh, you did see that, did you ? Of course it was sugges-
tive, as you call it. Confound that fellow ! I'll positively
discharge him ; he ought to have turned the letters out of
sight. But there no thanks, no thanks ; I won't have 'em.
I hate 'em,' he continued, seeing that Newton was about,
on his own and Bessie's part, to pour forth a due amount
of them. ' Show me your thanks, and be a son to my old
age, Newton, since I have none, and you're about to take
366 NEWTON DCGVANE
away the only treasure I had left. Well, well ; I daresay
we shall all be very happy here eh, Lily ? '
Bessie kissed him.
'Now be off with you, and run through grounds and
garden while I give a few orders to James.'
What do the bells ring for, making the clear, summer air
resound with the merry peal ? Bells, bells, dear old bells
clanging and quivering, searching the nooks of the deepest
wood, echoing and re-echoing from valley to hill, seeking out
the inmost recesses of loving hearts, and mingling with the
trembling joy that fills them. How proudly the grey old
church-tower seems to rear itself above the trees at being the
bearer of such melody. ' Come to church, come to church
clang, clang, clang ! Come to church, come to church clang,
clang, clang ! ' Why, everybody seems to be obeying the
summons literally everybody. There goes the smith, and
there goes Bungey, and there go all their compeers, rigged
out in their cleanest linen and their carefully-darned holiday
attire. There's the parish clerk, too, solemn and important
and the Beadle (big B, please, Mr. Printer), radiant both
as to his waistcoat and his countenance, and his nose, which
has been polished with yellow soap to that degree, looks like
an exaggerated carbuncle. Regard him ! swelling with that
weight of dignity which only those who have filled his office
can accomplish. And there's the doctor's sulky, too a
veritable black-draught to the rhubarb-coloured cob, who's
out at all hours ; and Sir John Vasey's carriage, and dozens
of other carriages, all glittering in the coachmaker's newest
and most approved fashion. Tom Sharp, even, and his
sisters, have sneaked unobserved into the church to criticise.
But the bells are quiet enough now ; and the aforesaid car-
riages draw aside to make way for others, which come dashing
up with prodigious impression. What ! sky-blue postboys
and favours ! Ah, we thought how it was. Bang, crash,
rattle ' Ah ! ' a long-drawn exclamation of relief from the
crowd, as a fairy form in satin, lace, and orange blossoms
as much like a Peri as a young lady of nineteen may be steps
into the church upon Sir John Vasey's arm.
1 That's Miss Bessie/
'No, it ain't, I tell yer ; it's Miss Charlotte.'
' Don't she look lovely, poor dear 1 '
CONCLUSION 367
Sensation among the men folk. The carriage drives off,
and another succeeds ; Uncle Crabb steps forward.
' That's Miss Charlotte.'
'No; that's Miss Bessie, I tell yer.'
' Well, to be sure ! Beautiful, ain't she ? '
More sensation among the men folk.
More carriages yet a bevy of sylphs in satins and
laces.
' Them's the bridesmaids. Look at that 'un in pink.'
< Ah ! but that 'un in blue.'
' Yes, but t'other one in white.'
Sensation among the lords of the creation tremendous.
' That's Kernel Stevins.' Opposition sensation and chorus
of females :
* Oh, ain't he 'ansom ? ' * Looks pale,' says a he-thing,
to the 'Well he may' of the ladies. 'Shows he's got his
f eelins, like all on us, as who hasn't, and knows hisself 1 '
&c. &c.
'That's Mr. Dogwun.'
' Don't he look pale ? '
' So 'ud you, Bungey. So 'ud you, if your time was to
come over agen.'
' Not a bit on it,' answers Bungey, stoutly,
' If you'd a knowed wot wos comin', Bungey, you would,'
says the wag of the crowd.
There's a laugh at this ; Bungey had married the greatest
scold in the parish.
' What's he a sayin' of ? ' asks Mrs. Bungey, infant in
arms, from another part of the crowd.
' Says he didn't look pale when he went and done it,' says
the wag.
' Bungey, my man ! ' says his helpmate, menacingly.
' Oh ! ah ! I daresay ; ' and Bungey edges into the crowd,
out of harm's way, muttering
' If I looked pale, I didn't look yaller.'
Mrs. Bungey was more or less troubled with the bile
* boil,' as she expressed it and was of a sallow hue.
At length Mr. Dogvane and Mr. Bowers closed the pro-
cession. They enter the church, and the crowd closes reve-
rently in behind them.
' Clang, clang crash, crash ! ' out break the bells again,
tumultuous in their joy. 'Man and wife, man and wife,
368 NEWTON DOGVANE
evermore, evermore ! Man and wife, man and wife, ever-
more, evermore ! 01 ang, crash ! '
The church disgorges the merry crowd, all talking, laugh-
ing, congratulating, confusing.
The clergyman comes out, the clerk comes out, the beadle,
following the beacon-blaze on his bowsprit-end, by which we
typify his glowing nose, looms out. The old woman, with
the limp black bonnet and the constitutional curtsey, jerks
herself out paralytically, and the church-door is closed and
locked.
But the bells don't abate a bit ; they roar, Ha ! ha ! up
aloft in their breezy chamber, like giants rejoicing. Never
were such bells ; one would think they must get tired. Not
a bit of it ; from the treble bob to the tenor, every man
Jack of a bell of them resolves to do or die to clang its
loudest or crack for ever.
What a breakfast there is at Mr. Bowers's ! what smiles,
jokes, and tears ! And what a blow-out on the green, with
jokes a little ruder, and laughs a good deal louder, and no
tears at all ! Well, it's only once in a lifetime. The last
adieus are taken, and the last embrace given. The tag of
the comedy spoken, the carriages drive away, the old shoe is
thrown, and the curtain falls.
'Newton, Newton ! Bessie, Bessie ! Charlotte ! Colonel
Stevins ! '
THE END.
IIY BAU.ANTYNK, HANSON AND CO.
lilMNUl'KGII AND LONDON