UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA DAVIS MIRANDY EXHORTS "I HAVE SEED DE BEARDED WOMAN AND DE LIVIN' SKELETON " Mirandy Exhorts By DOROTHY DIX Illustrated by E. W. KEMBLE THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY PHILADELPHIA 1922 LIBRARY OF CALIFORNIA; DAViS Made in the U. S. A. COPYRIGHT 1922 BY THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY Mirandy Exhorts Contents AUTOMOBILES 9 THE DISCOURAGEMENTS OF PHILANTHROPY 17 THE NEW CUBE FOR NERVES ... 25 MIRANDY ON WIDOWERS .... 33 VALENTINES 40 POST MORTEMS 51 MATRIMONY AND MONEY .... 60 BABIES 67 LOVERS' CATECHISM 75 OLD WIVES FOR NEW .... 83 MEN AND THE DOMESTIC ART ... 92 HYPNOTISM OF LOVE 102 THE HAPPINESS CULT . . . .109 EUGENICS 117 ON KEEPING YOUNG 126 LONG ENGAGEMENTS 135 THE AMENITIES OF MATRIMONY . . 143 THANKSGIVING 151 WOMEN 160 KOMANOE .... . 167 CONTENTS ADVICE TO BRIDEGROOMS . . . .177 TELLING YOUB TROUBLES . . . .185 THE MONOTONY OP DOMESTICITY . . 193 KISSING 200 DIVORCE 208 MAKING THE BEST OF THINGS . . .217 SILENCE 224 THE STUDY OP MANKIND . . . .232 THE MOTHERS' UNION . . . .240 How MEN PROPOSE 247 OUR NEIGHBORS 254 THE PRICE OF FREEDOM . . . .261 ADVICE TO MOTHERS 269 THE BLESSINGS OF TROUBLE . . .276 WIDOWS 284 KNOCKING YOUB IN-LAWS . . 293 Illustrations PAGE " I Have Seed de Bearded Woman and de Livin' Skeleton " . . . Frontispiece "She Still Wants de Arm of de Man She Loves Aroun* Her " 45 " Widout de Eight to go Through His Clothes for Small Change " 138 " Cou'se no Woman J Specs Much Manners From Her Husban' " . . . .198 " He Picks Out de Fluffiest Bunch of Dry Goods He Can Find " 234 Mirandy Exhorts AUTOMOBILES PLEASUM, does you know whar a fust-class wash-lady, whut puts plenty of elbow grease into her wuk, can git anodder turn of washin' to do? Nawm, my ole man Ike, he ain't got sick, nuther is done lost his job, but we done got a ortymobile, and when you gits a ortymobile you suttenly is got a call to git busy an' hustle out to suppo't hit. Yassum, I specs de ortymobile is de mother of industry, lak de Good Book says, an' hit has done mo' to cure dat tired feelin' dat a lot of folks is bawn wid dan all de spring medi cine on de 'pothecary's shelves, for whilst a [9 ] MIEANDY EXHORTS man might throw up his han's an' say dat he couldn't make enough money to take care of his wife an' chillun on, he will wuk his fingers to de bone to git de money to run his ortymo- bile. An', my gracious goodness, de way a orty- mobile eats up de spondulicks sholy am a scan dal! Hit takes mo' to keep hit in shoes dan hit would forty-leven pairs of twinses, ef ev'y one of 'em had as many feet as a centipede. Yassum, dat's so, caze I's been dere and I knows. We ain't got nothin' but one of dese heah Tin Lizzies, wid a bum lung, whut is tooken wid a shortness of breath when hit tries to climb a hill, but when I sees how much hit takes to run dat contraption I most gits run over in de street, tryin' to figger out how many billion dollars a yeah one of dem blue chariots costs whut de millionaires rolls aroun' in. Cou'se I never did spec to set in a ortymo- bile myself. De closest acquaintance I ever expected to have pussonally wid ortymobiles was to dodge 'em, so I suttenly was taken on de onsurprise when Ike come home one day an' say dat he was a-thinkin' 'bout buyin' one. [ 10 ] AUTOMOBILES " De Ian' of Goshen," I 'sclaims, " but you suttenly must have lost yo' mind ! You know we can't afford one ! " " Of cou'se we can't," 'spons Ike, " but bein' able to afford a ortymobile ain't got nuthin' to do wid havin' one, or odderwise de output of de ortymobile factories in de United States wouldn't be seven million, four hundred thou sand machines a yeah. Dere's sca'cely any body dat's got a ortymobile dat can affo'd hit. Dey tells me dat de reason dey makes 'em go so fast is so dey'll be des one lap ahead of de bill collector." " But whar is you gwine to git de money to pay for hit? " I axes him, and den Ike, he say dat dis ortymobile he was gwine to buy was a second-han' one, and de man was gwine to sell hit to him on time, and den I give up de fight. For Ike, he's one of dese heah folks dat you could sell a fur overcoat to, to wear to a Fourth of July picnic, ef you'd sell hit on de installment fo' dollars down, and fo' dollars to pay ev'y Saturday night de balance of yo' life. But whilst I felt hit my duty as a good an' faithful wife to warn Ike against de folly of [11] MIEANDY EXHOETS buyin 7 dat ortymobile, I didn't put ray foot down good an 7 flat, lak a woman does when she means business, and is gwine to make a rough house onless her husban 7 hearkens to her words of wisdom. In my secret soul, I was a-honin 7 after dat ortymobile, too, an 7 thinkin 7 how I 7 d fling de dust on dat uppity Mandy Jones when we drove a honkin 7 past her house, an 7 how I never would have to take a back seat agin and set lak I was dumb when Sis Araminty began a-braggin 7 7 bout dem two major operations she 7 s done had and de time she stayed in de horspital, becaze I could des sorter casual bring in a few remarks 7 bout my car, an 7 how many miles we made on de last run, an 7 odder topics lak dat, dat makes folks whut is got ortymobiles so interesting to deir- selves. Yassum, I reckons folks gits as much fun out of talkin 7 7 bout deir cars as dey does in ridin 7 in 7 em, an 7 dat de princ 7 plest reasons dat ev 7 ybody tries to buy one, is just so dey won 7 t have to listen to odder folkses tell 7 bout how gran 7 an 7 wonderful deirs is. I suttenly is sorry in any company for dem people whut ain 7 t got no chillun, and no ortymobile, and so [ 12 ] AUTOMOBILES ain't got no way to git even wid de folks what has. Dey suttenly is po', pitiful, defenseless critters. Hit's curious, dough, ain't hit, how different things looks when you is doin' 'em or bein' done by 'em? Now befo' we got our ortymo- bile I used to think dat de cops ought to run in ev'ybody in a car dat was gwine mo' dan two miles an hour, and dat dey ought to make de cars stop whilst de folks zigzagged across de street in de middle of de block. An' I was all for lynchin' de ortymobilists whut knocked down a woman whut got off a street-car back wards, an' walked right into a machine dat was comin' her way whilst she said good-bye for de forty-eleventh time to some woman she was talking to. But now, whilst I'm a sashayin' aroun' in a car myself, I wants to put on de speed and split de road open at fifty miles an hour, an' I thinks dat folks oughtn't to be allowed to walk on de street an' interfere wid de drivin', an' when I heahs dat a ortymobile is run over anybody, I says hit serves 'em right for not bein' quick enough to git out of de way. Yassum, ortymobiles suttenly does have a [ 13 ] MIBANDY EXHORTS curious effect on yo' disposition. An' mo' spe cially on de disposition of men. Dere's some- thin 7 in a ortymobile dat changes a man whut is as meek as a lamb at odder times an' places into a roarin' lion goin' 'bout seeking whom he may devour. Now dere's Ike. When we's at home a-set- tin' aroun' our own stove in de winter, or on our own front porch in de summer, Ike, he's as mild a mannered man as you'd meet in a week of Sundays. An' whilst I ain't one to boast of henpeckin' my husban', I will say dat I sorter rules de roost in dem diggin's, an' dat he speaks to me polite, and don't dast make a sneak for de lodge ef so be I is got my eye on him. Yassum, he suttenly am a good house- broke husban' at home. But des let us git out on de road in dat ortymobile, and let anything go wrong wid hit, an' him git out an' git to tinkerin' wid hits in- sides, an' hit's as much as yo' life is wuth even to ask him whut he thinks is de matter wid hit. De way he growls, an' swears, an' snaps, an' snarls at de wife of his bosom is enough to raise de goose-flesh on yo' bones. An' as for talkin' to a man when he's put- [ 14 ] AUTOMOBILES tin' a tire on a wheel, dere ain't no women dat's foolhardy enough to try dat but oncet. Dat's why you'll notice dat de ladies in de fambly is always gatherin' flowers by de way side, or communin' wid nature in silence, whilst de man is lookin' lak bloody murder a-tuggin' at de wheel. An' nutherino' is hit safe for a woman whut ain't ambitious of figgerin' in a divorsch case, or as de corpse in a funeral, to pass out any remarks to her husban' 'bout de way he is drivin', or tell him which turn of de road to take. He may be glad enough to have her spres- sify herself 'bout his business, and to have her pick out his clothes for him, an' he may lean so hard on her good horse sense dat he never makes a move widout her advice, but when he gits in a ortymobile all dat is changed, and hit's up to her to set still, an' sing low ef she wants to keep de peace. Yassum, ortymobiles suttenly does have a gran' moral influence on wives, an' dey's raisin' up a lot of married women dat's gwine to make dat Patient Griselda, whut you was tellin' me 'bout, look lak a sassiety flapper. [ 15 ] MIEANDY EXHOETS Yassum, if you wants a picture of a meek wife wid a tongue between her teeth, who das- ent speak ontel she's spoken to, des look at de lady in de back seat of de next ortymobile you passes. Dere ain' no thin' but knowin' dat she looks lak a million dollars dat pays her for all de things dat she's thinkin' and bottlin' up inside her. And ortymobiles has a fine moral influence on men, too. Anyway, a man whut has to suppo't a ortymobile most ginerally ain't got no money to suppo't any odder vice. An', furdermo', his wife knows whar he is when she's wid him, and when he's drivin' he can't be cuttin' his eyes aroun' at yaller gals in high-water skirts, whut don' weigh mo 7 dan half of whut his wife does. Yassum, a ortymobile suttenly is a gran' invention. De only objection I'se got to hit is dat I can't set on de fence and see myself ride by in mine. [16] THE DISCOURAGEMENTS OF PHILANTHROPY " I 'SPECS dat de reason dat dere ain't no folks whut is good, an' kind, an' generous is becaze you can't be good, an' kind, an' gener ous oncet, an' den be done wid hit. Ef you start hit you've got to keep on bein' good, an' kind, an' generous until you is busted as flat as a pancake, an' wo' out to skin an' bones. " Yassum, I don't know nothin' dat's mo' discouragin' dan hit is to be good to folks. Ef you knocks a pusson down an' tromps all over him, he lets you alone an' lets you live yo' life in peace an' comfort. But ef you tries to help a pusson up on his feet, he des hangs hisself aroun' yo' neck lak a millstone, an' you got to tote him along de balance of yo' days. [ 17 ] MIRANDY EXHORTS " Hit looks lak dat when you helps anybody oncet dat dey ought to be grateful enough to you to let you be, an' hold up somebody else de next time, but dey don't. Dey des feels lak dat you is deir meat dat a merciful Providence done pervide for deir suppo't, lak de Lawd done send dat manners in de wilderness for de chillun of Israel ; an' so dey don't never let up on nibblin' on yo' pocketbook. "Dat's whut makes folks sorter 'fraid to wipe de tears from de widow's eyes, an' turn a cold shoulder on deir po' relations. Dey would be glad enough to chip in oncet wid a few scads, or hand out a few meals ef dat would be de end of hit, but well dey knows dat hit won't. " Dey's done been dar befo', an ? dey knows by sperience dat ef you ever invites any of yo' po' kin to dinner dey'll des make a free hotel of you ever after, an' dat ef you pays de rent one month for a widow she'll des hand de job to you for keeps, an' think you is a mean, stingy ole thing becaze you don't board her at de Waldorf. " Yassum, de Bible sholy is a mighty smart book, for don't hit tell you dat when you does [ 18 ] PHILANTHKOPY good not to let yo' right hand know what yo ? left hand does? Dat's becaze ef you does you ain't never gwine to git yo' left hand out of yo' pocket. Ev'ybody you does a good turn to thinks dat one good turn deserves anodder, an' dat you's got to keep on repeatiii' de per formance, an' dey walks over you, an' gives you de laugh becaze you ain't got no mo' back bone dan to be a door-mat wid WELCOME printed on hit. " Yassum, I knows whut I is talkin' about, for I's done been, an' gone, an' got my dose, an' de next time I does good to anybody I's gwine to put on a false face, an' gum shoes, an' wrap a sheet aroun' me, so dey can't tell who I is; an' I's gwine to slip aroun' an' do good in de middle of a dark night when dere ain't no moon, so dey can't locate me for a easy mark dat's got dis doin' good habit fast ened on me. " Wellum, hit sho' am a strange thing dat you inherits a case of affliction de ve'y minute you tries to relieve hit. You des wishes hit on yo'self, den an' dere, so you can't get rid of hit. Now dere's ole Sis Sabitha, whose hus- ban' done run off wid a peart yaller gal, [ 19 ] MIRANDY EXHOBTS learin' her wid f o' small cMllun, an' de rheu- matiz, an' de misery in her back, mo' dan fif teen yeahs ago. Sis Sabitha suttenly was in a pitiful state, an' bein' as how I ain't one of dem folkses dat takes out deir sympathy in sheddin' a few tears in a clean pocket hand kerchief, I des retched down de ole teapot from de shelf an' took out de money dat I was a-savin' up to buy me a new frock, an' paid Sis Sabitha's rent. " Well, Sis Sabitha sholy did spressify her self as bein' grateful to me, but how did she prove hit? Did she say dat Sis Mirandy done done her part noble by me, an' now I'll git somebody else to pay de next month's rent? "Nawm, dat she didn't. She says to her self dat Sis Mirandy will pay my rent ruther dan see me an' de chillun flung out in de street, an' so I'll des use de money dat I can git from odder folks in some odder way. An' dat's whut she done, an' from dat day to dis, I's been a-inchin', an' a-pinchin', an' a-schrinchin' to help along Sis Sabitha, who feels lak she's got a puffect right to dip into my puss becaze I was good to her in de fust place. [ 20 ] PHILANTHROPY "An' dere's Tilly Ann. Tilly Ann is a young mother wid a whole litter of babies, an' I sholy did feel sorry for her bein' tied down to de house wid 'em. So I tell her dat some day when she's a-honin' to take a little walk an' refresh herself, to bring de twinses over to my house, an' I'd mind 'em for her for a hour or two. " Tilly Ann, she say hit's mighty kind of me to offer to lend a hand in carin' for 'em, an' she sholy do appreciate hit. Wellum, how you think Tilly Ann show how thankful she is to me? By dumpin' dem twinses down on me ev'y day ontel you'd think dat I was runnin' a orphan asylum. " Co'se I wouldn't mind takin' care of her brats oncet in a while, but ef I'd a knowed whut I was a-lettin myself into, I'd a kept si'ent, an' let her wrastle wid her own baby proposition. "An' as for borryin', hit suttenly would be a privilege ef you could help a friend out oncet wid a few dollars when he was in hard luck, or ef you could now an' again let a sister in de chu'ch have de use of yo' cake-pan, or lend her yo' new cut paper pattern. But you don't [ 21 ] MIBANDY EXHOET8 dast do hit becaze ef you starts to lend hit's a continuous performance. " Me an' Ike, when we was married, we was all for holdin' out de helpin' hand to ev'ybody about us, an' de fust news we knowed, dough we was both a-wukin' an' a-savin', we was 'bout to have to pass aroun' de hat for ourselves. Hit got noised aroun 7 dat we was too kind- hearted to say ' no/ an' when we got through bein' good to odder folks, we didn't have nothin' to be good to ourselves on. " Yassum, ef you lends a pusson a thing oncet dey shows deir gratitude by borryin' hit over again, an' 'bout de third time dey borries hit dey thinks hit belongs to 'em, an' dey don't bodder to return hit. Dat's why folks dat's got good, hard, horse-sense keeps deir money an' deir friends, too, by never lendin' anything in de fust place. "An' hit's funny, too, dat you can't be good occasionally even to yo' husban' widout ruinin' him. Now me, I'd lak oncet in a while to turn my blind eye on Ike, an' let him sidestep a little, an 7 make out dat I was asleep when he came home late, an' I'd just love to tell him dat I think dat he's de finest man dat ever [ 22 ] PHILANTHBOPY come down de path, an* I mos' bustes wid pride dat lie belongs to me. " Bnt I dasent. Ef I ever let up an' took to spreadin' de salve one time, I'd never git him back to walkin' de chalk line agin. " Nawm, I reckon bein' good is 'bout de most discouragin' thing in de worl', becaze when you start hit you can't stop hit. Folks won't let you. " Yassum, I got to be moseyin' along now. I got to stop by Sis Sabitha's wid a few dimes I got for her, an' dis new-fangled remedy for her rheumatiz, becaze de ole lady is mighty painified dis wet wedder, an' I sho is got her on my mind when hit rains. An' I specs by de time I gits home dat Tilly Ann will be over wid de twinses, which am de cutest little skee- ziks dat you ever set yo' eyeballs on, an' dat sho is gwine to be tickled wid dese heah gum- drops I's a-takin' 'em, an' I bet Sis Hannah Jane will be a-waitin' to borry dis heah fine hat I got on, whut I promised her I'd lend her to wear to de meetin' of de Daughters of Zion. " Yassum, hit's funny, ain't hit, how you gits to feel so close to de folks dat you is good to dat dey are sort o' lak yo' own fambly? [ 23 ] MIBANDY EXHOBTS Dere's times you feel lak lambastin' 'em, but hit suttenly would hu't yo' feelings ef dey went to anybody else for help after you done done so much for 7 em ! " [24] THE NEW CURE FOR NERVES AIN'T hit curis how des 'bout de time dat folks git rich, enough to git a ortymobile dey lakwise gits nerves? You don't never heah 'bout no po' folks havin' nerves. As long as you has to hustle, an' wuk, an' worry 'bout de price of po'k-chops an' whar de next meal is comin' from, hit seems lak you ain't got no organs but a stom ach, but des de minnit you moves over on Easy Street an' is got money in de bank, you is tooken wid dis heah complaint dey calls de nervious prosperity. Maybe nerves is de way de good Lawd per- vides for de doctors, lak he work dat mericle about de fishes de Good Book tells 'bout. Or [ 25 ] MIEANDY EXHOETS maybe nerves is des a sign of bein' rich, lak diamonds is. I don't know. All I knows is dat de minnit folks can afford nerves dey has 'em, an ? nothin' don't seem to be no cure for 'em but to lose deir money. Anyway, dat's de only remedy I ever see wuk on a nervious lady's system, an' many is de one dat had de neurastheny, dat I is seed restored to health by havin' to git up an' tackle de wash-tub when her husban' died an' left her wid six babies an' twinses to suppo't. But hit seems lak dere's an Eyetalian doc tor, whut must be one of dem doctors whut thinks dat de wuss de dose is de better hit wuks, whut has done diskivered anodder rem edy for nerves, an' dat is silence. Las' night Ma'y Jane was a-readin' 'bout hit to me an' her pa, an' dis doctor man says dat de reason dat women is so nervious is becaze dey talks too much, an' he promulgates de doctrine dat ef you don't want to be nervious, all you got to do is to shut up, an' go roun' lak you is got de lockjaw. " How true dat is," sclaims Ma'y Jane, as she lays down de paper, " for de clams an' de eyesters, which is de silentest animals whut [ 26 ] THE NEW CUBE dere is, ain't got no nervious system what ever ! " "Huh!" 'spons I. "Dat doctor must be one of dem men whut talks to heah his haid rattle. Anyway, I don't take no stock in whut he says, for I's been a-gabblin' away as hard as ever I could for mo' dan fifty yeahs, an' I ain't got a nerve concealed 'bout my pusson. " Maybe hit makes a man nervious/' says I, wid a meanin' glance at Ike, " to talk, an' mo' 'specially to talk to his wife an' make hisself agreeable tellin' de news he has heard, instid of sittin' up lak a sto' dummy wid a pipe in his mouth of a evenin'. Yassum, maybe hit's becaze dey's takin' care of deir delicate ner vious systems dat makes husbands dat silent an 7 glum in de fambly circle dat ef a graven image was set up in place of one, his wife wouldn't never find out de difference so fur as conversation went. But when hit comes to women, talkin' don't aggrefret deir nerves. Hit rests 'em. Deir mouths is a safety valve through which dey lets off deir steam. " Many is de time I's been dat het up dat I would have blowed up an' bu'sted, ef so be I had had to keep my f eelin's bottled up in me [ 27 ] MIBANDT EXHOETS widout bein' able to spressify myself on dem p'ints which had raised my dander, but after I lias said my say, I cools down an' is des as ca'm an' peaceable as a May mawnin'. "Naw, sir, hit ain't talkin' dat makes a woman nervious. Hit's keepin' silent dat does. You watch out for dem grum women whut don't say nothin' but des sets up doin' a lot of thinkin'. Fust thing you knows, dey gits up an' starts a ruckus wid some lady wid a good figger, whut ain't mo' dan half as ole as dey is, or dey pisens deir husbands. But one of dese heah women whose tongue is got a perpetual motion action to hit, an' whut talks, an' talks, an' talks shoo, a man can manage her wid one hand tied behin' him. She don't do nothin'. She jest fizzes out in words. " Yas, sir, I sho is got my s'picions of a woman whut don't lak to talk. Dere's some thing onnatcheral 'bout her." " I specs dere must be," says Ike, " but ef you is ever seed a woman wid yo' own eyes dat don't lak to talk, you sholy is out-traveled me. I ain't never had de pleasure of beholdin' one, yit I's been to circuses an' I has seed de [ 28 ] THE NEW CUBE Bearded Woman, an' de Livin' Skeleton, an' de man wliut writ wid his toes, an' de odder freaks, but dere warn't no Silent Woman amongst dem, dough I misdoubts dere wouldn't have been a married man, far or near, dat wouldn't have paid out good money for de pleasure of seein' her an' marvelin' dat such a strange critter could be. As for me, I don't believe dere is sich a animal. " Howsomever, old lady," he goes on, " I don't think dat you gits de wharforeness an' de wharasness of dis heah Eyetalian doctor's meanin' when he says dat de great sovereign cure for nerviousness is for women to quit talkin'. " He don't mean dat for women to shut up will cure de women demselves. He means dat hit will cure deir husbands. Dis ain't no fe male perscription. Hit's a remedy for men. "An' right dar is whar I takes my stand wid dat doctor an' holds up his hands, as de hymn-book says. Yassum, dat's a great man wid a long haid, dat doctor is, an' he done put his finger right on de trouble an' 'splained why so many po', onfortunate men is nervious wrecks. Hit's becaze deir wives talks too [ 29 ] MIEANDY EXHORTS much, an' too often, an' de onliest cure for dem men is for deir wives to cut out de chin music. " Yassum," continues Ike wid a mournful air, " dere ain't nothin' no risk, no danger, an' no nothin' dat can make a man so ner- vious as his wife's tongue can. Hit des gives him de creeps an' sends little chills chasin' up an' down his backbone when he thinks 'bout hit. " Yassum, dat's so, an' dat ain't all. When I is a-thinkin' 'bout steppin' roun' to de lodge to spend de evenin' wid some friends, an' jest as I reaches for my hat I catches yo' eye an' sees you sorter beginnin' to wind up yo' talkin' machine, hit makes me dat trembly wid ner- viousness dat my legs gives way onder me, an' I jest sinks back into my chair, whar I sets fast till bedtime. 'Tain't dat I is afraid of you, for I'd scorn to be one of dem po', hen pecked men whut don't dast peep befo' deir wives. Hit's des dat your talkin' makes me nervious. " An' I ain't de only man dat's tremblin' on de verge of bein' a nervious wreck on account of his wife's talkin'. You jest watch any man [ 30 ] THE NEW CUBE you lak, an' ev'y time lie heahs Ms, "wife's voice he jumps. " Oh," says Ike in a sad voice, " whut a mournful thing hit is to see all de po', mis'- able, nervious men 'bout us, an' to think dat we could all be cured by de silence treatment, ef only our wives would hold deir tongues." "What would you do ef I should quit talkin'?"laxeslke. " I should send for de ondertaker," he 'spons, "for I'd know dat you was stone dead." " Don't worry," says I, " for I ain't gwine to try dat silence cure. An' anyway, dere ain't no use in nobody pesterin' deir minds 'bout tryin' to find out a remedy for nerves, for nerves ain't no disease. Dey's a graft. Dey's de best excuse, goin' an' comin', dat anybody has ever invented for doin' dem things whut dey wants to do, an' leavin' un done dem things whut dey don't want to do. " Ef you's got nerves, you can sass people all you lak to an' dey's got to pity you instid of swattin' you over de haid for whut you say to 'em. Ef you's got nerves, you is well enough to go to de movies, an' shoppin', an' on [ 31 ] MIEANDY EXHOETS 'scursions, but you's too sick to wash de dishes or git dinner. Yassum, hit sho is a cinch to have nerves. "An 7 women is done found dat out, an' dat's de reason dat dem whut has got 'em hangs on to 'em. An 7 no doctor ain't never gwine to cure 'em, nuther. 'Specially by wukin' any silence racket on 'em." MIRANDY ON WIDOWERS " DE reason dat I is lookin' so grand, all dolled up in my new high-water skirt an' white shoes, is becaze I's just been to de weddin' of Maud Gladys Jones an' Br'er Simon Johnsing. Yassum, hit sholy was a scrumptious 'casion, wid de mourners' bench all roped off wid white ribbons for de bride groom's fambly, an' de hallelujah corner set aside for de bride's folks, jest lak dey always does hit at white folks' weddings. "An' whilst we waited for de bridal couple, Elviry Hopkins pawed de ivory off de keys of de melodjum a-playin' 'De Voice dat Breathed o'er Eden,' an' de congregation passed remarks betwixt deirselves a-specu- latin' on how Maud Gladys's pa was gwine to [ 33 ] MIRAETDY EXHOETS git de money to pay for all dese heah doings, an' wonderin' whut made her want to tie up wid Br'er Simon, anyway. "Becaze Maud Gladys is a mighty pert, spry young gal dat de men has des been a-swarmin' aroun' like bees aroun' a honey- pot, an' hit sholy did look lak she done gone through de woods an 7 picked up de crooked stick at de end when she segasuated up de chu'ch-aisle wid Br'er Simon, whut is bald- haided, an 7 bowled-legged, an' runty, an' mea- sly-lookin', an' ain't got no worldly goods to endow a wife wid except a ready-made f ambly. " ' Cou'se nobody can tell whar yo' love is gwine to fall,' says Sis Tempy to me wid a sniff behind her hymn-book, 'but hit looks mighty funny to me dat Maud Gladys's ch'ice should have been Br'er Simon, whut is mighty nigh ole enough to be her pa, instid of one of dem fine upstanding young bucks dat's been a-hangin' aroun' her.' " ' Hit's becaze he's a widower/ 'spons Sis Peruna. ( Bey tells me dat widowers totes a conjure bag an' a rabbit's foot, an' dat when one makes a pass at a gal dat she's jest got to git up an' follow him.' [ 34] WIDOWEES " ' Dat's de true word/ says Sis Tempy in a hollow voice. ' I done seed hit myself. I done seed gals done give de go by to all de fine-lookin' young men in de neighborhood an' den cast in deir lot wid de fust po', onery- lookin' widower wid a houseful of chillun dat come deir way. Yassum, all dat a widower has got to do is des to take his pick of de women.' " ' Dat's so,' 'spons Sis Peruna, * dat's de reason dat dere ain't no word of comfort in de Scriptures for widowers lak dere is for widows. De good Gawd knowed dat dere warn't no call for 'em, 'caze a widower can comfort hisself any day dat he has a mind to.' " i Widowers sho' is de boss marriers,' put in Sis Hannah Jane, ' de highfalutin' gals an' de rich widows is des marked for 'em. A woman will marry de kind of a man ef he's a widower dat she wouldn't look at ef he was a ole bachelor.' " < Hit's de conjure,' says Sis Peruna wid a groan. " But I knows dat hit's becaze ev'y now an' den dere's a woman whut knows a good thing [ 35 ] MIEANDY EXHOETS when she sees kit, an' dat's de reason dat she ties up wid a widower whut some odder woman is done wuked herself to death breakin' into matermony. For, you see, a man is lak a horse he des natcherally shies at de halter, an' you have to gentle him an 7 conquer him befo' you can git him bridal-wise. Dat's whut makes marryin' a man whut ain't never been married befo', an' marryin' a widower, de difference betwixt hitchin' yo'self 'longside of a fractious, balky, kickin' colt, an' a good, quiet ole horse dat is broke to double harness, an' dat is used to pullin' mo' dan half of de load. " One of 'em is full of thrills an' trouble, an' de odder is full of rest an' peace, an' havin' yo' own way, an' dat is why ev'y woman dat has cut her wisdom-teeth jumps down a widower's throat de minnit he opens his mouth to ax her to be No. 2. " I disremembers ef I ever heard of a widower landin' in a divorsch co't. Hit's al ways de fust wife dat has to ax for alermony. De second wife gits all de money widout axin' for hit. You see, when a man marries de fust time, he thinks dat a woman is a angel widout [ 36 ] WIDOWERS no nerves nor temper, an' dat she don't need no money for clothes, becaze shirt-waists grows on her back lak de pin-feathers in a sheriff's wings, an' dat all de fun she wants is to spend her time cookin' him up something good to eat, an' waitin' at de do' to welcome him home wid a glad sweet smile. " Dat's de flatform dat a man marries on, an' by de time dat he gits off of hit, he an' his wife have fit over ev'y inch of hit, an' de po' woman is dat wore out dat she turns up her toes an' dies. "An' dar is whar de smart woman steps into her shoes. De man is sorter had his sperit broke, too, by de warfare, an' he's humble an' meek, an' don't know near so much 'bout how to manage a wife as he did when he got married de fust time. But de main pint is dat he knows women. He knows dat a woman can't keep house, an' feed de fambly, an' buy clothes widout money, an' you don't heah no widower husband a-axin' his second wife whut she did wid dat quarter dat he give her week befo' last. " An' de widower knows dat when a woman gits out of bed in de mornin' on de wrong [ 37 ] MIEANDY EXHORTS foot, wid lier jaw grumblin' wid de neuralgy, an' de misery in her back, an' she kicks de cat, an' slaps de baby befo' breakfast, dat hit ain't no time to pint her to de joys of religion, nor make remarks 'bout folks's temper. Hit's a time for a man to sneak, an' he beats hit, an' dat's de reason dat folks always says how much better a man treats de second wife dan he did his fust. " An' de widower has done learnt by 'speri- ence how to soft-soap a woman, an' how to git 'roun' her angles, an' dodge de corners of her temper, an' not answer back when he sees dat she is got hay on her horns, an' dat's why things gits along wid dem lak dey was runnin' on greased skids. "IsTawm, he's done been dere, an' dat's de reason dat you don't heah of no No. 2 wife havin' to set up of a night waitin' for her husban' wid a flat-iron in her hand an' all de things whut she lays out to say to him jes' a-bubblin' an' a-sizzlin' in her mind. "Dat's how widowers can marry any woman dey want, whedder dey is ugly an' po', or not. Dey's whut dese heah insurance folks calls de preferred risk in materniony. Cou'se [ 38 ] WIDOWEES dere's some gals dat is huntin' for trouble, an' dey picks out de young men, but de smart women takes de widower whut anodder woman is done killed herself educatin' so dat hell stand widout bein' tied. " My lan ? , when I thinks 'bout whut a gran' catch my ole man Ike would be for some gal after all de trainin' I's done give him, an' how well he could marry agin ef he was a widower, I feels dat hit's as mean as a dog for me to keep on livin'." VALENTINES DID you ever notice how a romantical dis position always seems to go wid fat, mo 7 spe cially in women? 'Bout de time a woman quits lookin' lak a lady-love an' begins to look lak a feather bed, she begins to hone an' pine for soft talk, an' for somebody to hold her hand an' tell her dat she suttenly does put 'em in mind of de Queen of Sheba. Yassum, hit's de hefty sisters, wid three chins, dat trimbles wid emotion, dat's full of feelin' an' des sloshin' over wid sentiment. Dese heah livin'-skeleton women ain't got no heart. Dey is all bone. Whut makes me say dis is dat yesterday I had a visit from Sis Vaseline, an' she suttenly [40 ] VALENTINES was low-down in her mind, an' as she set an' rocked, ev'y now an' den she fetched a groan from de pit of her stomach, dat sholy did make hit a mournful occasion. I tried to cheer her up by bilin' her a cup of tea an' axin' her whut ailed her, becaze ef you wants to give a woman a real party, all you got to do is des to let her tell you her troubles widout you relatin' none of yo' grievances to her. " Sis Vaseline, ma'am," says I to her, " I gathers from yo' looks an' conversation dat de hand of de Lawd is done laid heavy on you." At dese words Sis Vaseline, whut is a pus- sonable lady lak I is, whut tilts de scales roun' de two-hundred-pound mark, commences to shake an' quiver lak a mountain of jelly, an' den she bu'sts into tears an' sobs into de corner of her apron. " Oh, Sis Mirandy," she 'spons in sorrowful tones, " I's a broken-hearted woman, an' ef hit warn't dat I's a member of de Daughters of Zion, in good an' reg'lar standin', an' ef you warn't so mussy after you has been run over by de street-car or fished out of de river, which is a orful damp way to die, Sis Mirandy, an' [ 41 ] MIEANDY EXHORTS suttenly does leave a corpse lookin' in no way to be a pride to de fambly, I'd go right out dis minnit an 7 commit susancide." " Shoo, Sis Vaseline/ 7 says I in a soothin' voice as I poured her out another cup of tea, " don't you take on lak dat, for whilst Heaven is our home, dere ain't no use in bein' in a hurry 'bout gittin' dere. You better stay on in a place whar you is acquainted an' accla- mated. But whut's done drove you to thoughts of susancide? " " Hit's becaze Lemuel don't love me no mo'," wailed Sis Vaseline. Well, at dat I sorter brightens up lak we all does when we finds out dat our best friend has got a secret sorrow dat she's 'bout to promul gate to us 'bout. Den I remembered my man ners, an' I drew down de corners of my mouth an' looked sympathetic, an' says : " You po' lamb ! An' after all you done done for dat man, too ! Why, I bet you done washed a million shuts for him, an' patched a thousand pairs of britches, whilst as for yo' cookin', you has des got to pass yo' hand over de pot to make hit tasty. An' I must say dat yo' news takes me on de onsurprise, for [ 42 ] VALENTINES ef ever I see a man dat looked dat meek an' humble dat he dasen't say his soul was his own, hit is Br'er Lemuel." "Hit's des lak you say, Sis Mirandy," 'spons Sis Vaseline, sniffin' in her apron some mo'. " I done done my duty noble by dat man an' kept him right onder my thumb endurin' all dese thuty yeahs dat we's done been mar ried, an' dat's whut breaks my heart, to find out he don't love me no mo'." " But how did you find hit out? " I axes. " Is you caught him chasin' after one of dem slim hussies in dem new-fangled, britches- legged skirts? " " Nawm," 'spons Sis Vaseline, " so fur as I know, Lemuel ain't castin' no sheep's-eyes at no odder female, nuther is he spendin' his money on 'em, becaze I does a wife's part by countin' de money de minnit he gits home wid hit. But de reason dat I knows his love is dead is becaze he ain't gwine to send me no valentine lak my daughter's beau is gwine to send her." "Ain't gwine to send you no valentine!" 'selaims I. " Of course he ain't ! Why, Sis Vaseline, I reckon any jury would convict a [ 43 ] MIEANDY EXHOETS married man of insanity an' send him to a padded cell, ef dey even s'picioned dat he sent a valentine to a ole fat wife dat he's been tied up wid for thuty yeahs." " Bein' ole, an' fat, an' married for thuty yeahs don't keep a woman from a-hungerin' an' a-thirstin' for love, an' wantin' to be treated ev'y now an' den lak a sweetheart instid of lak a kitchen range, an' a wash tub, an' a sewin'-machine," sobbed Sis Vase line. " I tell you, Sis Mirandy, dat if husbands would des keep deir kisses flavored up wid romance instid of havin' 'em taste of ham an' eggs, dat hit would do mo' to make dis worl' a millennium dan anything else." " Dat's de Gord's truth dat you is spoke," says I, " but hit ain't never gwine to happen, becaze men an' women ain't built alike. De trouble wid us women is dat we stays brides ontel we's gray-haided, an' got de rheumatiz an' de misery in our j'ints, an' wears red flan nel, whilst a man gits over bein' a bridegroom at de altar de minnit de preacher says, i I pro nounces you man an' wife, an' may de Lawd have mercy on yo' souls.' [ 44 ] VALENTINES " An' no matter how many corns a woman gits on her hands wukin' for a man, she still pines to have him hold 'em, an' no matter how many inches aroun' de belt line she gits, she still wants de arm of de man she loves aroun' her, an 7 no matter how deef she gits, she wants to have him yell into her ears dat she's de yaller rose of Texas an' de onliest woman in de worl' to him. "An' ef he will do dat, she'll wuk her fingers to de bone for him an' be glad of a chanst to do hit, an' he can beat her an' starve her, an' she'll still think that she drew de blue ribbon prize in de matermonial lottery. An' ef he don't do hit, she'll be miserable an' dis contented, an' s'picion her husband's affection for her, no matter ef he is domestic as de house cat an 5 gives her ev'y cent of money dat he earns. " But men de po' simps ! don't never find dis out, or else dey's too all-fired lazy an' selfish to act on hit. So dey goes along spectin' us to take deir love for granted, an' know dat we's givin' saterfaction as wives as long as dey don't haul us up in de divorsch co't, whilst we go along wid our mouths wa- [ 45 ] MIEANDY EXHOETS term' for one mo' bite of de taffy dat dey used to feed us on bef o' we married. " 'Tain't dat dey don't love us no mo', Sis Vaseline, for dey do. A beefsteak may be des as much a token of affection as a bunch of violets is, an' when yo' ole man remembers to bring home a new remedy for yo' sciatica, hit may be des as much a valentine as ef he sent you a pink satin billydoo full of poetry 'bout loves an' doves. Only de woman would rather go hungry for de steak an' have de violets, an' suffer wid de pain an' git de valentine. An' de man wouldn't." " Sis Mirandy," says Sis Vaseline, " do you know whut de real curse was dat was put on women when dey was turned out of de Garden of Eden on account of Eve gittin' mixed up in dat apple business? De hoodoo was for women to keep a soul dat was always slim, an' young, an' beautiful, an' romantic, in a body dat got ole an' fat an' dat nobody thought of fallin' in love wid." " Dat's so," 'spons I, " de one thing dat a woman never loses is her sweet tooth." " Sis Mirandy," axes Sis Vaseline, " didn't you never send Br'er Ike a valentine sence [46 ] VALENTINES you's got married, so as to see ef you could wake up de romance in Mm? " " Yassum, I is," I 'spons, " one time when all de gals was a buyin' valentines, I jest thought dat Fd git one, an' send hit to my ole man, lak dey was sendin' to deir young ones, an' dat when he got to speculatin' 'bout who done hit I'd own up to de soft impeach ment. An 7 1 dest pictured dat he'd be tickled to death, an' dat we'd forgit dat we was ole, an' fat, an' grizzled-haided, an' go back to de days when we was co'tin'. " Yassum, dat was de way dat I thought hit would wuk. An' so I took de money dat I was a-savin' to buy me one of dese heah weepin' wilier fedders, an' I bought Ike a valentine dat was all hearts an' darts, an' roses, an' Cupids, an' poetry. Hit sho' was one gran' valentine, an' I went out an' mailed hit at night so he'd git hit de fust thing in de mawnin'. " Wellum, hit come while we was to break fast, an' instid of guessin' dat I was de onliest woman in de world dat would be fool enough to waste my money to send a valentine to a ole, bandy-laigged, bald-haided grandpa lak [47 ] MIRANDY EXHOETb him, Ike looked kin' of sheepish, an' stuck de valentine in his pocket, an' de fust news I knowed, he'd done spruced up in Ms good clothes, an' I see him wid his hat on de side of his haid, a walkin' up de street past de do' of dat hussy, Ma'y Sue Jones, an' he was a grin- nin', an' a smirkin' up at de window, an' I know he done think she sent him dat valen tine. " Yassum, an' dat warn't de last of hit. He keep a-passin' by dat woman's house, an' a-makin' a ole fool of hisself a wavin' at her, till I tell him dat I sent de valentine, an' he was dat mad when he found hit out, an' dat hit warn't from some odder woman dan his wife, dat he ain't speak to me for fo' days. Nawm, dat valentine ain't fanned de flame of love none in our house. Hit mighty nigh put hit out." " Sis Mirandy," axes Sis Vaseline, " don't you think dat husbands would be pleased to git valentines from deir wives? " " I think dat dey would ruther have de price put in de market-basket," I 'spons. "But sholy, Sis Mirandy, you thinks dat husbands an' wives should keep up deir ro- [ 48 ] VALENTINES mantical feelin'g towards each other," axes Sis Vaseline. " Well, Sis Vaseline," I 'spons, I thinks dat most men gits married so dat dey can quit makin' love, an' climb down off'n de poetry shelf to whar dey feels at home. What a man wants wid a wife is somebody dat'll keep on lovin' him widout him havin' to hoi' her han' all de time, an' tell her whut a angel she is, an' I done took notice dat dem wives which am good cooks don't git so many divorsches as dem ladies whose strong p'int is sentiment. "Valentines an' love talk is all very well to tole a man into de holy bonds of mater- mony, but when you gits him dere, de way to keep him from jumpin' over de bars is to fill him up wid good food, an' let him read his paper in peace. "Nawm, I don't hoi' none wid married women sendin' deir husbands valentines, an' encouragin' romantical notions in 'ein, for hit fills deir haids up wid de notion dat dey's still fascinators wid de women, an' is got a gift for love-makin' dat hit's a pity to waste on deir wives. De wise wife am de one whut prones hit into her husband dat she's de only woman [49 ] M I B A N D BXHOETS in de world dat lias got sense enough an' taste enough to know whut a wonder he is. Bat's de talk dat keeps him nailed to his own hearthstone. JSTot dis heah ralentine foolish ness." [50] POST MORTEMS YISTIDY I was in a sto' buyin' me one of dem styley plaid gingham frocks dat you can heah comin' down de street dey's so noisy, when lo an' behol', I meets up wid Br'er Si an' Sis Luellen. Sis Luellen, she was a-smilin' an' smirkin' in de lookm'-glass a-tryin' on one of dese heah hats dat's trimmed up wid wooden balls ontel hit looked lak she was wearin' de croquet set on her haid, an 7 Br'er Si, he had on dat pale, trimbly, Lord-haTe-mercy-on-me-an'-my-pocket- book expression dat a man always wears when he goes shoppin' vid his wife. Pretty soon Sis Luellen say to de gal dat was waitin' on ker dat shell take dat hat be- caze hit sholy is a young lookin' hat dat makes [ 51 ] MIBANDY EXHORTS de one whut is got hit on pear lak a lady-love instid of a wife, an' den she turned to Br'er Si an' say, " Ole man, 111 take some of my monument money." " How much? " axes Br'er Si. "Fifteen dollars," 'spons Sis Luellen, an' whilst Br'er Si fetched a groan lak he was tucken wid a sudden pain dat done struck him in a vital spot, he retched down into his jeens an' fished out three five-dollar bills, an' handed 'em over to Sis Luellen. De way dey act suttenly did git me goin', an' so dis mawnin', when I meet up wid Sis Luellen, I say to her, " Sis Luellen," says I, " I ain't one of dem nosey women whut's al ways a promulgatin' deirselves into odder folkses business, an' whilst I might wisht to know how a woman wuks her rabbit's foot on her husban' to git fifteen plunks out of him for a hat wid no mo' back talk dan you handed Br'er Si, still I ain't a-axin' no questions 'bout dat, for de way ev'y woman conjures her husban' is her own secret dat she ain't bound to tell to nobody. Howsomever, I does make bold to inquire whut you meant by axin' Br'er Si for yo' monument money, for whilst I's [ 52 ] POST MOETBMS done heard 'bout English money an 7 French money, an' hard money an' soft money, I ain't never heard tell befo' 'bout no monument money." " Shoo," 'spons Sis Luellen, givin' one of her nice, big, fat laughs, an' I suttenly does love to heah Sis Luellen laugh. Hit sounds jes' lak a pan of grease bubblin' an' fryin'. "Shoo," said she, "dat's des a little 'gree- ment twixt me an' Si. You know dat when I married Si he was a widower, an' when his fust wife died he suttenly did do proud by her, an' he put up a monument over her in de cemetery dat cost fo' hundred dollars. "Now Si's fust wife, she was a mighty hard-wukin' woman, an' mighty savin', she sweated ev'y nickel, an' she never took no pleasure, nor had no decent clothes, nor noth ing, an' de fust real party she ever attended was her own funeral, an' de onliest present dat her husban' ever give her dat cost mo' dan a jitney was dat monument. "When me an' Si was a courtin' he took me out to de cemetery an' showed me dat monument to prove to me dat he knowed how to do de right thing by a wife, I reckon [ 53 ] MIEANDY EXHOETS but Mt didn't make no hit wid me, for my tastes don't run to tombstones, specially when dey's pussonal, so to speak. " Nawm, I ain't got no sort of vanity 'bout my monument. I don't care whedder dey puts a sky-piercin' shaft or a brickbat over my dead remains. Nuther is I interested in whut sort of a lookin' corpse I's gwine to make, an' when I'm a angel twangin' away on my golden harp in de heavenly choir, I don't specs hit's gwine to cut any ice wid me whut folks thought of me when I was back on de earth. " But I do care a lot 'bout whut happens to me in dis worl', while I's still alive an' wantin' things, an' can enjoy 'em. So I told Si dat I'd jest take de price of my monument as I went along, instid of waitin' for him to spend hit on puttin' up a piece of stone on my grave when I was dead. " Darfo' when I wants anything dat costs a little bit mo' dan I ought to pay, maybe, I jest collects de price of hit in advance out of whut I calls my monument money. " " My Ian'," sclaims I, " but you suttenly is de fore-handed woman, an' hit's a pity dere ain't mo' lak you dat's got enough sense to [ 54 ] POST MOETEMS cash, in on deir good deeds, an' collect de debts whut folks owes 'em whilst dey's livin', instid of waitin' ontel after dey's dead to git deir Yassum, I reckon a cemetery is de most sarcastical place dere is in de whole worl', an' I bet dat de biggest surprise dat de souls of de departed has is not when dey beholds de won ders of de new Jerusalem wid hits golden streets, but de knock-out blow dey gits when dey looks on at deir own funeral an' finds out whut folks really thought of 'em. Yassum. Dere was ole Aunt Sukey dat lived alone in one little measly room dat warn't big enough to swing a cat in, an' Aunt Sukey was dat crippled up wid de rheumatiz dat she couldn't hobble mo' dan a few feet from her doorway, an' she was dat fond of flowers dat she'd pick up a broken rose dat somebody done drapped in de street, an' cud dle hit lak hit was a new-born baby. Wellum, I don't call to mind dat whilst Sis Sukey was alive, an' could have enjoyed a little pot of posies, ary one of us ever give her so much as a geranium leaf, but when Sis Sukey died all of us remembered how she [55 ] MIBANDY EXHOET8 loved flowers, and we des smothered her coffin in roses. An' dere was Br'er Ike. Br'er Ike, he was one of dese quiet little men dat don't never learn how to toot deir own horn, an quense- contly dey don't git hit tooted, an' nobody don't notice dat when dere's any call for folks to do things dey's Johnny-on-de-spot. Br'er Ike, he run de chu'ch, an' he wiped de tears from de widow's eyes, an' helped de po' an' de needy, but he did hit all so quiet dat nobody never took no notice of whut he was doin', an' I don't reckon anybody ever passed him a compliment, or even thanked him, much less tell him how gran' an' noble he was, in de whole of his lifetime. But one day Br'er Ike up an' die, an' den we suttenly did give him de grandest funeral dat you ever lay yo' eyes on. Dere was floral pieces wid ribbons wid " Our Leader " printed on 'em, an' dere was marchin' clubs, an' car riages, an' fo' horses to de hearse. An' ev'y- body was talkin' deir tongue off tellin' whut a wonderful man Br'er Ike was, an' how much good he done, an' wonderin' how we's gwine to git along widout him. [ 56 ] POST MOETEMS An' dere was Sis Eunice whut was one of dese gentle, sweet, timid, clingin' little women dat des blossoms out onder kind treatment lak a flower in de sun, an' des withers away an' shrivels up onder coldness an' neglect. Sis Eunice got tied up, as dat kind of a woman most ginerally does, wid a human icicle, whut thinks dat hit's a husband's sacred duty to knock his wife's faults an' pass over her vir tues. Sis Eunice didn't live long. She des froze up an' died in de cold storage kind of a home dat her husban' took her to live in, an' when she pass away he put up a fine monument over her grave dat had on hit, " My Beloved Wife." You know I never goes to de cemetery an' sees dat widout wonderin' ef at night de ghost of Sis Eunice ever comes back an' roosts on dat tombstone, an' reads dat inscription, " My Beloved Wife," an' ef hit does, ef hit's any comfort to hit? Hit must be news to Sis Eunice to find out dat her husban' loved her, becaze he sholy didn't give any signs of hit whilst she was alive, an' somehow I's got my s'picions dat dis heah post-mortem affection, dat don't show [57 ] MIEANDY EXHOETS hitself till after de funeral, gits in kite wuk a leetle mite too late. Yassum, when I's passed on an' is got to be a sheriff in de skies, I ain't calculatin' to take any interest in whedder my family an' friends is sheddin' barrels of tears over my loss, or is reconciled to de mysterious decrees of Provi dence in removin' me from deir midst. Neither is I figurin' on bein' cast down, or puffed up, by whut dey say 'bout me. Nor does I specs to have ev'ything I didn't git in life made up to me by a handsome tombstone. "An' dat's why I wants folks to give me whut's comin' to me right now, whilst I can enjoy hit. Ef anybody is got any flowers to give me, I wants 'em whilst I can smell 'em, an' see 'em, an' hold 'em, instid of deir bein' laid on my coffin. Ef anybody's got any kind words to say of me, I wants 'em to say 'em to me now whilst dey will hearten my heart an' give me de courage to go on. I don't want 'em to wait ontel my ears is deaf in death. An' ef anybody loves me, I wants 'em to show hit to me right now an' heah whilst I can enjoy hit, instid of waitin' to carve deir sentiments on my tombstone. Hit won't make no difference t* t 58 ] POST MOETEMS me den, but liit would change de worF for me now. Ts lak Sis Luellen. I wants to spend my monument money wMlst I can git some good ef kit [59] MATRIMONY AND MONEY " WELL," says I de odder night when me an' my ole man, Ike, was a-settin' aroun' real sociable togedder, wid de lamp a-castin' hits glow over de fambly circle, an' little Teddy Roosterfelt a-playin' on de no' betwixt us, "well, I sees in de paper dat anodder one of dem millionaires is a-gittin' anodder di- vorsch." "Humph/' 'sclaims Ike, "de way de rich indulges deirselves in luxuries sholy am scandalous. Hit ain't no wonder dat hit makes folks dat has to wear deir ole clothes, an' stick to deir ole husbands an' wives, feel lak turnin' into one of dese heah anarchists, an' gittin' a boom an' goin' out an' bustin' up somethin'." [ 60] MATBIMONY "I wonder why hit is," I pursues, "dat people dat has got money finds hit so hard to stay married to de same pusson, an' is always a-wantin' to swap partners? A po' man or woman manages to rock along pretty com fortable wid de same wife or husban' for forty or fifty yeahs. But de minute anybody gits money in de bank, dey gits kin' of restless in double harness, an' de next news you knows dey's done kicked over de traces. " Cou'se I can see why de man whut was married to a woman who was a good cook, an' washer, an' patcher, an' dat could help him whilst he was po', feels lak dat he needs to git a pretty young wife dat's real styly, as soon as he strikes ile. He has to git a wife to match his new plush furniture, but de million aires dat marries female millionaires don't 'pear lak dat dey is able to stay hitched to- gedder no better dan de odders dat got mar ried befo' dey knowed dat de Lawd was gwine to call ? em to be de head of a trust. "Dat's de reason dat I say dat hit looks lak dat money is a marriage-buster. An' dat's curis an' curiser, for hit does seem as ef a couple dat didn't have no call to scrap over [ 61 ] MIEANDY EXHOETS de grocery-bill an' de butcher-bill, suttenly would have de biggest bone of contention in de fanibly skeleton removed from deir midst. "My goodness," I goes on, a-castin' a meanin' glance at Ike, " I lays dat I could live as peaceable as a basket of kittens wid a man dat I didn't have to keep a eye on." "Yes, Lawd," 'spons Ike wid a groan, " dem folks whut's got plenty of money an' ain't got nothin' to worry 'em but a misfit wife or husban' is just gwine out of deir way to hunt for trouble. Me, ef I didn't have to worry over de rent, I wouldn't let a little thing lak bein' married to de wrong woman bodder me none." " Dat's right," says I, " whut's missin' yo* affinity to missin' de bill-collector? " "I tell you, Mirandy," says Ike, "why dese heah rich folks is always a-gittin' di- vorsches hit's to pass de time away. A millionaire gits a house, or a horse, or a orty- mobile dat he gits tired of, an' he thinks dat he'll amuse hisself by gwine out an' tr&din' hit off wid somebody else, but dere ain't no excitement 'bout dat, becaze dere ain't no dif ficulties in de way. All dat he's got to do is [ 62 ] MATEIMONT to put his hands in his pocket an' pay de loss, an' dere he is wid anodder house, or horse, or ortyniobile dat he don't lak no better dan he did de fust one. " Hit sholy does git on his nerves, an' make him peevish, ontel one day a good idee strikes him, an' dat is dat he'll trade off his wife for a new one, an' dat takes a lot of trouble, an' makes a lot of scandal, an' costs him a lot of alermony, an' hit's full of excitement, an' sort of gives him a run for his money, an' dat's why he does hit." " Maybe so," 'spons I, " but whut makes de rich fall out of love wid each odder oftener dan de po' does? " " Dey don't," says Ike, " but de difference is dat de po' is so busy wrastlin' wid de problem of how dey is gwine to git po'k chops for sup per dat dey ain't got de time to notice whed- der deir hearts palpitates at de approach of de one dat dey is tied to, or not. But de rich ain't got nothin' to do but to set up an' hold deir fingers on deir pulses, an' watch de state of deir affections, an' see whedder dey's at fever heat, or is done drapped below normal. " Now des take ourselves, Mirandy, I specs [ 63 ] MIBANDY EXHOETS dat ef we was to go probin' aroun', we'd find out dat dere was 'bout forty-leven different wajs in which we didn't suit each odder, an' dat you didn't look to me lak one of dese heah. Venuses, an' dat you warn't in no danger of mistakin' me for one of dem godlike young gentlemen in de ready-made clothin' adver tisements. "Mo'over, ef either one of us was to be tooken wid a thrillin' feelin' when we hap pened to look at de odder one, we'd make sho* dat we'd done got malaria, an' we'd soak our feet in hot musta'd-water, an' take a dose of quinine, an' go to bed. " Maybe, too, each one of us is got a real soul-mate somewhar in de neighborhood, but bein' po' an' havin' to scuffle to make de ends meet, we ain't never had time to find none of dese things out. So we goes joggin' along to- gedder in peace, lak two good ole wuk-horses dat is fell into each odder's stride, an' pulls togedder widout no bitin' nor kickin', nor buckin', nor jumpin'. " Now ef we was rich, dis would all be dif ferent. When I'd come home of a night, I wouldn't be hongry, an' you wouldn't look to [ 64 ] MATRIMONY me lak you does, lak a angel wid a fryin'-pan in her han', surrounded by a halo of fried onions an' liver. No! I would see dat you was gittin' ole an' fat, an' I'd begin to think 'bout perambulatin' off after some young gal, dat was young enough to be my daughter. "An' when you took a squint at me, I wouldn't look to you lak de noble hero dat stood wid his good right arm betwixt you an' de po'-house. You would see dat I's got hump-shouldered an' bandy-legged a-totin' a hod, an' layin' brick, an' you'd sort of prog nosticate 'bout some young buck dat you'd seed dancin' on one toe at de skatin'-rink. " Den, havin' nothin' else to do, an' bein' sort of tired of odder amusements, we'd git to wonderin' why we ever married each odder, an' den some fine day we'd start out an' hunt up a lawyer an' a private detective, an' den we'd end up wid de odder millionaires in de divorsch co't." " Amen," says I, dat's God's truth. Ef married folks has got time to take stock of each odder's faults, an' remember how agger- frettin' each odder is, hit's a wonder to me dat dey stays married at all." [ 65 1 MIEANDY EXHORTS " Yassum, 77 says Ike, " bein 7 po 7 sholy is de fust help to virtue. You don't hear of no po 7 man leadin 7 de double life, becaze hit keeps him on de jump to lead a single life, wid a wife an' a growin 7 fambly. Darfo 7 , dat do 7 of temptation is shut to de po 7 man, whilst hit is wide open to de rich man, dough why any man in his senses wants to tackle matermony mo 7 dan once beats me." " Hit looks lak," says I, " dat de onliest way dat a woman can keep her husban 7 is by keepin 7 his nose on de grin 7 stone. 77 "Don't you worry none 7 bout dat, Mi- randy, 77 7 spons Ike, " you 7 ve got mine down so close dat ef one of dese heah livin 7 pictures what you reads about was to pass by I couldn 7 t look up enough to see her. 77 BABIES "I BECKON dat babies is de curiousest na tion of people dere is, an' de deceitfulest. Yassum, dere ain't no guessin' a baby. " You look at one dat looks lak a cross be twixt a biled lobster an' a cream cheese, an' hit seems to you dat dere ain't nothin' in dat baby but innocence an' sterilized milk, but you des dast to cross hit, an' my Ian' ! you find out dat hit's des sloshin' over wid red-haided temper an' cussedness, an' de things dat hit yowls at you raises de goose-flesh on you wid horror. Yassum, ef I ever is heard cussin' an* swearin', I's heard hit in a baby's cryin'. " An' hit looks to you lak a baby is a po', weak little critter widout no strength to hit, yit I have seen one dat didn't weigh twelve [ 67 ] MIEANDY EXHOETS pounds wear a husky, six-foot man dat onder- fcook to wrastle wid hit to a frazzle. " An' as for bein' a boss, dere ain't no argi- fyin' who's de haid of de house in a fambly dat's got a baby. De baby's Hit, an' as a slave-driver it's got all of dese heah Simon Legrees an' Uncle Tom Cabinses in de play backed off of de boards. Dere ain't nobody but a baby dat'll wuk you, whedder you are sick or well, twenty-four hours a day. " Yassum, I done heard somebody say oncet dat a baby was a well-spring of joy in de house. I ain't a 'sputin' dat, but you sholy is got yo' wuk cut out for you ef youse got a baby, becaze hit keeps you on de jump from mawnin' till night, an' from night till mawnin', an' de funniest part of hit all is dat you des loves dat little bunch of trials an' tribulations dat somehow has got yo' heart des squeezed up in hit's little fat fists, so dat no matter how tired an' worn you is wid loss of sleep an' rest, you don't never think 'bout quittin' on de job. "Yassum, ef yo' husban' or wife was to tyrannize over jou lak a baby does, you'd be haided straight for de divorsch cou't. An' ef [ 68 ] BABIES any employer was to wuk yon as hard, an' as many hours a day as a baby does, de union would call a strike on him. But you stands for bein' ordered aroun' lak a dog by a baby, an 7 nobody ain't heard about de Amalgamated Order of Mothers givin' notice dat de refresh ment counter shut up at six o'clock, an' dere wouldn't be no meals served later. " Yassum, I specs dere ain't none of dese heah hypnotists in de side-shows dat's got de power in de eye dat a baby's got in hits pale little eye, dat ain't got no eyelashes an' no eyebrows, an' dat looks lak a burnt hole in a blanket. Yassurn, a baby's eye sho' has got de conjer in hit. " But de most peculiar peculiarity 'bout a baby is de effect dat hit has on de folks dat hit associates wid. Hit makes 'em, or ruins 'em. Hit always makes me laugh when I hears folks talk 'bout de way dey is gwine to mold deir chillun's characters. Hit's de chillun dat does de moldin' of de parients' character, an' a little, teenty, weenty baby can change a grown man or woman mo' in two days dan a grown man or woman can change a baby in twenty yeahs. [ 69 ] MIEANDY EXHOETS "Yassum, you can always tell folks dat's got a baby, an' you don't have to look at de greasy spots in de middle of deir backs, neider. Dey's des got a chastened look, an' hit's sort of a glorified look, too, lak dem Early Christian Martyrs whut had done suf fered in well-doin', an' walkin' de colic. "Cou'se we calls babies little angels, but when I sees de demoralizin' effect dat 'sociatin' wid a baby has on some folks, I sometimes wonders whedder dey's angels of light or an gels of darkness, an' whedder dey comes from up above or down below. "Yassum, I's seed some sad cases of nice, polite, truthful, modest folks dat done lost all of dem good qualities an' got to be rude, rough liars an' braggers through havin' a baby. " Now dere's Sally Ann. You couldn't find a nicer gal dan Sally Ann. She was whut you call sympathetic, an' dere warn't nothin' mo' soothin' to yo' feelin's dan to go an' set wid her of a afternoon, an' have a cup of tea, an' tell her yo' troubles. " She'd listen wid her eyes full of tears, she was dat interested an' pitiful to you ; an' she'd des hang on yo' words an' urge you to talk [ 70 ] BABIES on, an' she never would come back wid any tale of woe herself, so dere warn't nothin' to mar yo' pleasure in de occasion. " But after a while Sally Ann got married aa' had a baby, an 7 when you goes to see her now, an' tries to onburden yo ? griefs to her, she don't even pertend to listen. In de very midst of de word where you is relatin' how yo' husban' is holdin' out de money on you an' hangin' aroun' dat yaller hussy, Almerety Johnsing, an' dat you's stood all dat flesh an' blood can stand, an' you's sniffm' real com fortable into yo' teacup, why Sally Ann gur gles out, clappin' her hands : < Oh, Sis Mirandy, des look how cute muwer's own tootsy-wootsy is lookin' at you t'rough de back of dat chair.' An' you knows dat she ain't heard nary syllable you is uttered. " Furdermo', when you pauses to take breath, she jumps in wid tellin' you of all de times de baby has fell down an' bumped hits nose, an' de hard time hit had cuttin' hits teeth, which news she seems to think dat you is settin' up waitin' for wid yo' tongue hangin' out, lak hit was a war bulletin from de front. "Nawm, a baby suttenly does take away [71 ] MIEANDY EXHOBTS folks' manners, an' I don't know of nobody dat's duller company dan a young mother. As for me, when de fust baby comes, I bids farewell to de parients for de next twenty yeahs, becaze you won't git no mo' rational conversation out of 'em ontel deir chillun lias done growed up, an' married, an' settled. " Den dere's Sally Ann's husban', Mose. Mose suttenly was truthful James, whut stuck so tight to de facts dat dere was times an' seasons when hit was sorter uncomfortable to have him aroun'. An' he was modest, too. When he tole 'bout de things dat he did he always put on de soft pedal an' talk meek an' humble as de next one. " But dat was befo' dat baby coma You ought to see him now. He done stuck out his chest till his shirt buttons won't hold, an' when he goes to norrate 'bout dat baby, he des flings truth to de winds so hit won't hamper him none. " ' Sis Mirandy, ma'am/ says he to me when I met him de odder mawnin' an' stopped to pass de time of day, ' Sis Mirandy, ma'am, you ought to come an' see dat baby. I never seed such a wonderful chile in my life. Hit's got [ 72 } BABIES de most remarkable intelligence dat I ever looked at in de human countenance. Why, Sis Mirandy, dat baby ain't but two weeks ole an' yit hit knows ev'y word I say to hit, an' hit cries for me when I leaves de room. An' furdermo', Sis Mirandy, I ain't sayin' hit be- caze dat baby's mine, but hit suttenly is a beauty, and would take de blue ribbon in any baby show/ " An' den he brags on an' on, ontel I can't stand hit no longer, an' I passes on. " Yassum, dat's de way babies affects some folks. Dey goes to deir haids an' changes nice, sensible people into plumb idiots an' braggarts. An' sometimes babies go to folks' hearts an' change dem whut was mean, an' selfish, an' cold, an' hard, into regular human bein's dat's got love, an' pity, an' under- standin' for all de worl' becaze of some little chile dat's done come to deir arms to stay. "Ef you'll notice, dem folks whut calls chillun brats, an' dat has got nerves dat can't stand to heah chillun laugh an' play, most ginerally changes deir minds 'bout chillun after dey gits a baby of deir own. Dey calls chillun darlings den, an' dey thinks dat grown t 73 ] MiEANDY EXHORTS folks ain't got no right dat a cMle ought to respect. " Yassum, babies sholy am a gran' institu tion, an' I don't know whut we'd do widout ? em. Dey keeps us po' an' humble, an' makes us proud an' braggy. Dey wuks us to death, an' we are glad to slave our fingers to de bone for 'em. We wonder whut odder folks sees in deir runty, knock-kneed, measly offspring dat makes 'em think dey is worth raisin', an' when we looks at our own, dey looks as beautiful, an' wonderful, as cherubim. " Yassum, nobody don't know whut happi ness is ontel dey is held deir own baby on deir breast. An' nobody don't know whut sorrow is ontel dey has turned away from de grave yard an' left deir little baby layin' out dere alone, cold in de snow. " Me, I's knowed both." LOVERS' CATECHISM " Do you know dem pictures dat you sees in de papers, whar de pusson in one of 'em is po', an' scrawny, an' measly-lookin', an' is a hob- blin' along on a cane, an' is dressed in clothes dat looks lak a year bef o' last bird's nest ; an' in de odder picture de pusson is fat, an' hand some, an' sassy-lookin', an' is a-ridin' aroun' in one of dese heah ortymobiles, an' is dressed up fit to kill in styly clothes, an' one of de pictures is got i Befo' Takin' ' under hit, an' de odder picture has got 'After Takin' ' under hit? "Well, dat medicine, whutever hit is an' hit must be a searchin' subjance don't wuk no greater change in folkes's looks an' de way dey acts an' thinks dan matermony does. Yas- sum, befo' we gits our dose of de holy estate of MIBANDY EXHOETS matermony, we sho' does look at things one way, an' after we done swallowed de pill, we suttenly does look at hit from anodder pint of view. " Now dere's my daughter, Ma'y Jane, whut's in love, an' has got hit bad. She goes aroun' de house wid a far-away look in her eye, an' she sets down befo' de kitchen-stove, an' lets de bread burn in de oven, an' de cat drink de milk, an' de dog git de po'k-chops, whilst she wonders how hit comes dat dat chuckle-haided, knock-kneed, lanky Sim John- sing is so much handsomer, an' smarter, an' nobler dan any odder man in de world. " Yassum, dere ain't no trouble in tellin' when a gal is in love. De signs of hit breaks out all over her lak hit was de measles, an' Ma'y Jane suttenly am got a bad case. When anybody tells anything dat is sorter meracu- lous, she waits ontel dey gits through, an' den she ups an' says whut Sim says on de subject, as ef dat settled hit. Yassum, Ma'y Jane suttenly am surprised dat de President don't ax Sim down to run de gov'mint, an' dat dem folks in Washington ain't called Sim in to settle dem questions dat's worryin' 'em. [ 76 ] LOVERS' CATECHISM " Furdermo', she goes about a-pickin' up de segar-stubs dat Sim drops, an' tyin' 'em up to de wall wid blue ribbon, an' de odder night she waked her pa up to ax him ef he reckoned dat Sim could have got lost a-gwine home, or maybe been kidnapped, an' him a double- jinted nigger dat lives in de next block. " Ike, he was mighty mad at havin' his rest broken, an' I had my hands full a-calmin' him down. * Sho',' I says, ' don't you worry 'bout Ma'y Jane. Of course hit does look lak she done lost her mind, but she'll find hit again as soon as she gits married. She's jes' in love now, but she'll git over hit. I used to act dat ve'y same way 'bout you, an' now des look at me.' "To which Ike respond' dat ef I did act foolish, I had good cause to, but how any gal could see anything in dat slab-sided Sim John- sing to go crazy 'bout beat him, an' to dat I remarked, sorter casual lak, dat dem was de very presacical words dat my pa said 'bout him when he was a cou'tin' me. An' wid dat Ike turned over an' begin to snore lak he didn't heah me. " Cou'se I wasn't gwine to let on to Ike [ 77 ] MIEANDY EXHORTS dat I 'greed wid Mm, 'caze hit sets a man up too much, for his wife to always be a-chimin' in wid him 'bout ev'ything dat he prognosti cates. But all de same, hit sholy am a techin' thing to witness all de different kinds of a plum idiot dat a gal makes of herself when she's in love, an' when I heahs a young couple a-billin' an' a-cooin', I laughs out of one side of my mouth, an' cries out of de odder. Becaze dey is missin' all of de pints in matermony, an' dey ain't got no more idee of whut dey wants in a husband or a wife dan a baby has dat cries for de moon. Dey don't even know whut kind of questions to ask each odder. Dey spends deir time a-buildin' scaffolds in de air, when dey ought to be busy puttin' de foundation under de cabin dat dey's got to live in. "Yassum, dat's so. Ma'y Jane an' Sim, dey's jes' lak you, an' me, an' ev'ybody else dat's ever been in love, an' deir conversation runs des lak hit was drawed out of de same jug of molasses as yours an' mine was. De odder night when dey was a-spoonin' on de parlor sofy, I overhears Sim ax Ma'y Jane ef she's sure dat she will love him straight on through [ 78 ] LOVEBS' CATECHISM dis worl' an' into de next, an' Ma'y Jane 'spons by inquirin' of Sim ef he is sutten dat his devotion will never git less, even ef she should git ole, an' fat, an' lose her teeth. Den Sim begins to question Ma'y Jane 'bout whed- der she has ever loved befo', an' Ma'y Jane de mand to know ef she's de only woman in de worP to Sim. Den Sim axes Ma'y Jane ef she is sho dat she will never be sorry for en- trustin' her angel self to him, an' Ma'y Jane begins to sniffle an' axes Slim to swear dat he will never marry agin ef she should die. "An' I bust out laughin' so dat I most drapped de chany pitcher dat I was a-washin' at de sink. Becaze dem questions was de be- fo'-takin' questions whut dem whut ain't never had no 'sperience in matermony axes de party of de odder part. Dey ain't de questions dat a after-takin' pusson would put to de one dat dey was thinkin' 'bout tyin' up wid, ef dey had to do hit again. Nawm, I ain't never heard no widows an' widowers cou'tin', but I bet fo' bits to a ginger-cake, dat dey don't waste no time a-hurlin' dem fool questions at one an- odder. " Now, ef I was gwine to marry Ike over [ 79 ] MIEANDY EXHOETS again, I wouldn't bodder to ax him whedder he would love me forever, an' whedder he was sutten I was his soul-mate, an' ef he would pine away an' die ef anything was to happen to me. Nuthermo' would I make him perjure hissel' by swearin' dat he ain't never gwine to take notice of no odder female, an' dat all de amusement he wants for de balance of his life is des to hold my hand an' gaze in my eyes, an' tell me dat I is de most beautiful creature on earth. Nawm, ef I was puttin' de man dat I was gwine to marry through de catechism, I'd ax him 'bout de state of his stomach instid of de state of his heart, an' inquire ef he was one of de men whut et whut was set bef o' him wid- out askin' no questions, or ef he was one of dem men whut's always a-throwin' deir ma's biscuits in deir wives' teeth. " An' I wouldn't ax him ef he give me his heart's devotion. I'd inquire ef he was gwine to turn over 'nough money to me ev'y Satur day night, an' I wouldn't be so much inter ested in knowin' whether I was his affinity as I would be in findin' out whedder he would ex pect me to help suppo't de fambly. Fur- dermo', I wouldn't make him promise dat he'd [ 80 ] LOVEBS' CATECHISM spend de rest of Ms life a-kneelin' at my feet. I'd make Mm promise dat he'd wipe Ms feet on de mat befo' he'd come into de house, an' dat he'd hang up his Sunday clothes, an' dat he'd take Ms turn in walkin' de colic. " Yassum, dem's de questions dat I would ax de candidate for my heart an' hand, an' he'd have to answer 'em right straight off de reel ef he got me. An' I kinder s'picions dat ef Ike was a-cou'tin' me ag'in he wouldn't waste so much time a-trying to find out ef he was de hero of my girlish dreams, an' de livin' image of my ideal. Nawm, I 'spec's dat he'd ax me how I stands on de latch-key problem, an' how much of his wages I'd keep. An' den I lay he would inquire 'bout whedder I was a good cook or not, an' he would spend mo' time investigatin' de length of my tongue dan he would de length of my affections. "An' when we got through de examination of each odder, maybe we'd marry, an' lakly we wouldn't, 'caze hit's mighty easy to swear dat yo' love is eternal, but hit's pretty hard to prove dat you is de kind of a pusson dat is easy an' comfortable to git along wid for de twenty, or thu'ty, or fo'ty yeahs dat you is [ 81 J MIEANDY EXHOETS lakly to have to live wid de one dat you is married to. Yassum, dem of us whut is tried matermony sholy would ax mighty different questions from dem whut is axed by dose whut ain't never been through de mill." [ 82 ] OLD WIVES FOR NEW I SUTTENLY am eatin' humble pie dese days. Yassum, I ain't a-marchin' myself up no mo' an' takin' a front seat on de flatform wid dem whut promulgates dat dey knows de unknow able, an' can explain de inexplicable, an' un screw de inscrutable. Nawm, I's gone away back an' set down amongst de lowly an' de ignorant, for hit's done been proned into me dat maybe I couldn't run de world no better dan de Lawd is doin' hit, even ef I got a chanst at de job. I used to believe dat I could manage things a heap sight better dan dey is managed, an' to think dat if de Creator had axed my advice, dat I could have saved Him from makin' a lot of blunders an' mistakes. An' I used to worry a lot became so many people died dat hit looked [ 83 ] MIEANDY EXHOETS lak ought to have lived forever, an' so many people lived forever whose funerals we all was des a-pinin' an' a-honin' to attend. Yassum, I is done my sheer, a-worryin' over de mistakes dat de Good Master was makin', but whut has made me lose mo 7 sleep an' flesh dan anything else is frettin' over de fact dat a man's fust wife most generally always wuks herself to death layin' up money, an' quilts, an' things for his second wife to splurge on. Many is de time, when I's been a-settin' up wid de remains of some po' woman, dat I would look at her back dat was all bent over wid wuk, an' at her hands dat was all knotted up wid de washtub, an' my mind would take to runnin' on how dat woman had toiled, an' nussed nickels, boostin' her husban' up de lad der, an' now dat dey had got on de sunny side of Easy Street by her leadin' de way, hit sholy did look to me lak Providence had bog gled things not lettin' her live to enjoy some of de comforts dat she done earned. Yassum, dat's de way dat po', worn-out, peaked woman would look to me, an' in my heart I would think dat ef I was a-runnin' de universe, I'd give her a squarer deal. But I [ 84 ] OLD WIVES FOB NEW ain't so certain now dat she didn't git hit. Anyways, I specs de good Gawd is fitten to manage de world He made widout any advice from ole Mirandy, an' dat when a man's fust wife dies 'bout de time she begins to git fat, an' grizzle-haided, an' stiff in de jints, dat maybe she's tooken from whut Br'er Jinkins calls " de wrath to come." Yassum, when I looks aroun' at a lot of de ole wives 'bout me, 'specially dem wives whut has got peart husbands whut's got good jobs an' money in de saving-bank, I don't know but whut dem wives whut's got a real styly tomb stone wid " Rest in Peace " carved on it above 'em in de cemetery is got de best of hit. Dey's in luck. Leastways dey sholy is de onliest ones dat's got any rest or peace. Hit can't be no mo' lonesomer in a coffin dan hit is to set at home by yo'self of a evenin' wid yo' face tied up for de neuralgy wid kero sene in a ole sock, whilst you 'spicions dat yo' husban', whut said he had business down town, is a fox-trottin' wid a spry young gal, wid a telefoam-post figger, an' one of dese heah postage-stamp skirts, an', furdermo', to know dat de assembled company, instid of [ 85 ] MIEANDY EXHOETS lambastin' him for sidesteppin' away from his own fireside, is a-sympathizin' wid him 'bout bein' tied down to a wife dat looks lak a per- ambulatin' fedder-bed, an' whut is a better performer on de kitchen stove dan she is on a ballroom no'. Nor is de grave any colder dan dem hus bands whut is done got tired of deir ole wives, an' whut looks lak dey thought dat dey orter git a medal for doin' deir duty ev'y time dey gives 'em a peck on deir cheeks whut passes for a kiss. Yassum. Providence sholy does wuk in a mysterious way hits wonders to per form wid husbands an' wives, an' hit suttenly does keep you guessin' as to whut de rewards of a good wife is, short of de crown of glory an' a angel harp, which none of us ain't in no hurry to collect. What makes me say whut I do is, I's just come from Sis Bell's funeral. You know Sis Bell, whut married dat onery little Ben Simp- kins, whut wouldn't have been nothin' widout her. But Sis Bell was one of dese heah up- an'-doin' women, whut could make fo' black berry pies out of three blackberries an' ev'y one of 'em would taste good. [ 86 ] OLD WIVES FOE NEW An', my lands, but she was a wuker! De way she could wrastle wid de washtub was a caution, an' she saved Ben's money, an' she kept his clothes clean an' neat, an' she got up an' cooked him a early breakfast, an' got him off to wuk on time, an' dere was a hot dinner a-smokin' on de table when he got home, an' she pushed an' pulled him along, ontel by an' by, instid of gittin' two dollars a day he was gittin' three, an' a little mo' an' he was gittin' five dollars 'caze Sis Bell, she was always a-standin' right behin' him, a-shovin' him into ev'y little gap dat opened up. Den Ben got a chanst to git a little shop of his own, an' Sis Bell retched down in her stocking an' found de money for hit dat she done save up. An' after a bit hit got so dat Ben could wear store clothes ev'y day an' walk aroun' wid a pencil behin' his ear a-swearin' at de men whut was w^ukin' for him, instid of bein' swore at by de folks dat he was wukin' for, an' den whut does Sis Bell do but up an' die. Yassum, hit sholy did look hard to me dat she didn't live to collect whut she done wuked fo' so many yeahs, an' I shed a barrel of tears [ 87 ] MIEANDY EXHOETS as I looked at her a-layin' so still in her coffin wid her hands folded idle across her breast fo' de fust time since she done got married. Ef she had lived, she could have took things easy from now on an' had a gran' time wid nothin' to worry her, I says to myself as I wiped my weepin' eyes. But coinin' on home from Sis Bell's fu neral, I sorter changed my mind 'bout death bein 7 de saddest thing on earth, for I meet up wid Sam Pigget, an' he tell me dat he's gwine to git a divorsch from Sally Ann, an' Sally Ann is done do for Sam Pigget des whut Sis Bell done do for Ben. But Sally Ann ain't have de luck to die. She live to see her hus- ban' ashamed of her an' try to git rid of her. 'Cou'se I spressifies my surprise at whut Sam is gwine to do. " Huh," says he, " Fs des a-follerin> de fash ions of de rich an' great. I's des gwine to do lak dem millionaireses does whut started out po' an' humble, an' married dat way, an' den when dey got rich an' prosp'ous, dey traded off deir ole wives for new wives to match deir new parlor furniture." "Whut for you gwine to divorsch Sally [ 88 ] OLD WIVES FOE NEW Ann? " I axes Mm. " I ain't never beared dat she done nothin' but good to you." "Bat's de true word," be 'spons, "an* I ain't a-flingin' no asparagus on Sally Ann's character. Wbut I'm gwine to divorscb ber for is wbut dey calls in de law de incompara- bility of temper, wbicb signifies dat she's got ole an' ugly, an' de rheumatiz, an' dat I wants a new wife whut's a good looker an' dat will show off de fine clothes dat I bangs on ber." " Huh," says I, " hit pears to me lak hit has done took a good many yeahs for you to find out dat you an' Sally Ann ain't got de incom- parability of temper. I didn't hear nothin' 'bout no incomparability of temper in de days when she went out scrubbin' to git money to help you along, an' when she set up half de night a-patchin' yo' breeches." " I's done outgrowed Sally Ann, an' pro gressed beyond her," says he, "an' hit ain't right dat I should be sacerficed to de mistakes of my youth." An' wid dem words Sam went on his way. Yassum, dat's de way bit goes, an' bit looks lak dat de only way dat de wife of a man whut gits along in de world can keep from [ 89 ] MIEANDY EXHORTS bein' de mistake of his youth, is for her to die. When folks is po' an' humble when dey mar ries, an' holds deir own at not gittin' any bet ter off as de time goes by, dey seems to git along pretty comfortable wid de same husban' an' de same wife as long as dey lives, but when a man makes money, de fust thing he wants to do is to swap off his ole wife for a new one dat don't weigh mo' dan half as much an' ain't mo' dan half as ole. Dat's whut makes hit mighty discouragin' to a woman to try to help her husban' along, for as long as dey's po', dar he is, but when he gits money, whar is he? Dere ain't but one woman dat will help a man make money, an' dat's his wife. But ev'y woman will help him spend hit. Hit's funny, ain't hit, dat we all sympa thizes wid de man whut used to tote a hod an' wear overalls when he gits up so dat he forgits his feet in company, an' can wear one of dem pigeon-tailed coats an' cutaway westcoats widout feelin' lak he's half naked, when he has got a wife dat is still de ve'y spi't an' image of de kitchen range? We think hit's hard on him to have to be held down in his prosperity by dat kin' of a wife, an' we forgit dat ef he [ 90 ] OLD WIVES FOE NEW hadn't had dat kin' of a wife, he most gener ally wouldn't 'a' had de prosperity. An' I specs de Lawd knows dat, an' dat's de reason dat He so often removes by death de wife of de man whut has come up in de world instid of waitin 7 for her husban' to remove her by divorsch. Yassum, I suttenly am gwine to leave dis matter in de Good Master's hands. An' I'm gwine down-town de fust thing in de mawnin' to buy me one of dese heah new hoop- skirt silk frocks wid dat money I done been savin' up to help Ike along wid, fo' I ain't gwine to be one of dem fool women dat wuks herself to death makin' deir husbands a good ketch for some odder woman. Nawm, dat I ain't. I's gwine to remove all temptation out of dat man's path by keepin' him so po' dat his ole wife will be good enough for [ 91 ] MEN AND THE DOMESTIC ART '"BLESS Gawd dat I done live to see dis day," says Sis Hannah. Jane to me de odder after noon as she retched out for de teapot, an' poured de dreenings into her cup. " Dey done freed de nigger wid de wah, an' dey done freed de mule wid dese heah ortymobile wagons, an' now we po' put-upon women is gwine to be freed at las'." " Glory be for de hope," says I, " but whar's de wharf o'ness of yo' prognostications? So fur as I kin see, things is jest a-rockin' along in de same ole odd-come-short way for our sect lak dey always is. Whut's done happen dat makes you think dat we is 'bout to grab hold of de tail-fedders of de bird of liberty? " " Why," says Sis Hannah Jane, " ain't you [ 92 1 DOMESTIC ART heard tell dat out dere at dat college in de West, dat dey's teachin' all de boys how to cook an' how to sew, so dat when dey grows up dey kin git up an' git deir own breakfas', an' sew on deir own buttons, an' darn deir own socks, an' patch deir own britches, so dat deir wives won't have a thing to do but to go to de movin'-picture show, an' de bargain sales, an' meander an' peruse up an' down de streets in deir good clothes? " Dis is de real all-wool, dyed in de yarn emancipation of our sect. Whut was bein' freed of yo' political shackles to bein' freed from de washtub an' de cookin' stove? Whut's de privilege of de ballot to de privilege of havin' a husband dat'll do all de fambly mendin'? I tell you, Sis Mirandy, ma'am, de glad day of freedom is a-dawnin' for us po' pussecuted, down-trodden women, an' hit's comin' along of de sewin' -machine route for men." " Well, Sis Hannah Jane," 'spons I, " ever sence we sent Thomas Jefferson Abraham Lin coln off to college, an' me an' his pa wuked our fingers to de bone to pay for hit, an' all dat he come home wid wuz a college yell, an' a f rater- [ 93 ] MIEANDY EXHOETS nity pin, an' two busted ribs, an' de opinion dat he was ole man Solomon hisself, an' dat his parients wuz back numbers, I'se been kin' of suspicious of dat higher culchah. Hit looks lak to me dat hit don't take on jest ordinary folks, an' de odder kind ketch hit, anyway. But maybe ef dey's gwine to mix up de book larnin' wid some sewin' an' cookin', hit'll sort of take de curse off of a college eddication." "All de same, Sis Mirandy," 'sclaims Sis Hannah Jane, " hit's a grand idee to teach men how to be handy aroun' de house, an' I jest loves to think of dat class of earnest-eyed young men bein' taught how to walk de colic, an' fix de baby's bottle, an' havin' hit proned in on deir youthful minds dat you don't wash a baby lak you does a setter-pup. Why, Sis Mirandy, ef my husban' wuz to ondertake to bathe my little Blanche Snowdrop, I makes no doubt dat he'd soap her all over wid mange soap, an' den take her by her years an' souse her down in de tub, an' den set her out in de sun to dry. " I tell you, Sis Mirandy, I ain't never dast let deir pa nuss none of my chillun, becaze he handles a baby lak hit wuz a sack of potatoes, [ 94 ] DOMESTIC ART an' lie's des as liable to hoi' hits head down as hits feet, but, thank Gord, all of my chillun is dat dark complected dey don't show dirt, so dey kin wait ontil I gits time to wash 'em my self." "Amen," 'spons I, "an' you had orter see Ike, my ole man, when he tries to sew on a button. He starts off wid a gran' nourish, an' a-wearin' de look of one of dese heah early Christian martyrs, dat Br'er Jinkins tell 'bout, whut's done been tooken in an' sold a gold brick of a wife, but whut is too noble to say de things 'bout hit dat he's entitled to say. When I sees him wid dat sufferin' an' resigned expression, a-makin' for my wuk basket, I knows dat he's done busted a button off, an' is mad becaze I ain't been mind-reader enough to know hit. " Den he rummages through my sewin' things ontel he makes a mess dat hit takes me two hours to straighten out, an' den he picks out de littlest needle, an' de biggest thread in hit, an' den he goes over by de window an' braces hisself in a chair against de wall lak he was startin' into a wrastlin' match. I offers to sew on de button, an' he says : ' Go 'way, [ 95 ] MIBANDY EXHOBT8 woman, dere ain't none of your sect dat kin do mo' dan paste a button on. I want dis one to hoi', so I'se gwine to sew hit on myself. 7 Den I offers to thread the needle, an' he lows dat he ain't lost his eyesight, nor yit de use of his hands, an' dat ef I'll go an' 'tend to my busi ness, he can 'tend to his, widout de benefit of any of my advice. Den I goes away. " Long 'bout a half -hour afterwards I come along ag'in, an' Ike has got forty-leven spools of thread, an' fo ? papers of needles scattered 'round him, an' is done tuk off his collar, an' spit on his hand, an' at las' has got de needle threaded, an' a kind of light of triumph is shinin' on his brow. " Den he makes a jab at de button, an' he can't find de hole, an' den he makes 'bout fo' mo' jabs, widout finding it, an' den all of a sudden his needle goes through de hole, onex- pected lak, an' 'bout a inch into his thumb, an' Ike gives a jump dat makes de cheer slip, an' he falls on de flo', an' he gits up doin' a war dance, an' a-suckin' his thumb, an' a-sayin' things dat ain't becomin' in no Christian man whut's a elder in de chu'ch. An' I finishes sewin' on de button, an' 'bout de time dat de [ 96 ] DOMESTIC ART sore gits out of his finger lie commences to brag 'bout how much he knows 'bout sewing an' how he always sews on his own buttons." "Whut you say, Sis Mirandy," says Sis Hannah Jane, " is de ve'y spit an' image of de way my husban' acts on dem lak occasions. Dat's why dey's gwine to teach dem college boys how to sew, so dey can wrastle wid deir own buttons widout losin' deir grip on deir religion. Teachin' dem boys dem household tasks, so to speak, sholy is a gran' idee, an' hit gwine to stop a lot of dis heah divorsch evil." " Wai, I dunno, Sis Hannah Jane," I 'spons, " hit looks lak to me dat hit's mo' calculated to encourage argyment in de fambly circle dan hit is to perniote harmony. Seems lak to me dat I can't edzactly see de dove of peace roostin' on de roof -pole of dat house whar de man of de fambly is always a-handin' out ad vice to his wife 'bout how she should make de chillun's clothes, an' cook de vittels, an' a-tell- in' her dat he always double-fell his seams, an' browned his flour for thickening gravy, instid of doin' things de slack way she does 'em. " I don' know how you be, Sis Hannah Jane, [ 97 ] MIEANDY EXHORTS but ef dere's one thing in dis world dat does rile me an 7 git my dander up, hit is for any body to pass any remarks on de way I cooks things ; an' ef I wuz married to a man dat wuz always a-tellin' me dat his biscuits was always light, an' his cake never fell, an' dat de way he cooked po'k chops dey des melted in yo' mouth, I lay dat 'bout de second time he done hit, I'd smash all of de dishes over his haid, an' dat dere would be a call for de amberlansh in dat once-happy home. " No, Sis Hannah Jane, believe me, hit ain't gwine to make for no happy home for de man to know mo' 'bout cookin' dan his wife does. For whut does de Good Book say on dis p'int to men : ' Eat whut is set bef o' you, an' ax no questions. An' pass no criticisms.' De grounds in de coffee-pot is been de grounds of mo' dan one divorsch already, an' dey would be mo' ef ev'y man wuz a free-hand cook." " Dat's de true words, Sis Mirandy," agrees Sis Hannah Jane, " an' mo'over an' lakwise, dere ain't no odder man in de world dat is so set up an' bigoty as de man dat thinks dat he knows how to cook. Lawd, dest let one of de po' things go a-campin' an' cook up some sort [ 98 ] DOMESTIC ART of a mess dat dey can gulp down, becaze dey's dat hongry dat they could eat turnpike rocks, an' tenpenny nails, an' lie don't git through braggin' over hit to de las' day of his life. An' when a man does ondertake to cook anything, hit takes all de pots, an' pans, an' spoons, an' cups in de house, an' he wastes enough vittels to run de fambly a week makin' one dish. " Wai, anyway," goes on Sis Hannah Jane, " hit sho' would be a comfort to have a hus- ban' dat knows when yo' hat is on straight, an' dat you could pass a pleasant evenin' wid dis- cussin' de new styles, an' whedder skirts wuz to be longer or shorter, and sleeves full or skimpy, an' odder topics of burnin' interest to women. " Mo'over, Sis Mirandy, maybe if men could fin' out by axual pussonal 'sperience dat cookin', an' washin', an' takin' care of babies is a perpetual motion job, an' de hardest wuk on earth, dey would have a little mo' pity for dem whut's wrastlin' wid hit, an' lend deir wives a helpin' han' wid de spring sewin'." " Shoo, Sis Hannah Jane," says I, " you'se barkin' up de wrong tree, for dere won't be no marryin' when ev'y man is his own cook an' [ 99 ] M I B A X D Y EXHOETS seamstress. Dere comes a time in ev'y bache lor's life when he's got a drawer full of socks wid holes in 'em, an' his suspenders pinned on wid safety pins, an' his stomach turns at de thought of boardin'-house cookin', an' den hit is dat de nearest woman snatches him up, an' leads him lak a lamb to de altar. Dat's de way de Lawd delivers a man into our hands ; but ef he had a good grip on de needle an' de fryin'-pan, he'd git away from us ev'y time." " Mebbe so," 'spons Sis Hannah Jane, " but maybe when men learn how to do fancy work, de po' things dat is drove to de lodge to pass de time of a evenin' can stay at home, and en joy deirselves crochetin', or doin' Battenberg work." " Wai, Sis Hannah Jane," 'spons I, " I ain't in favor of teachin' men how to cook an' sew, an' make 'em thereby independent of us women. Nawm, we need all de strangle-hold on de weddin'-ring dat we can git, an' ef de time comes when a man don't have to marry to git a cook dat can't give notice and quit, dere's gwine to be a mighty falling off in wed- din' bells. But," I says wid a sigh, " I agrees wid you dat hit would be a comfort to be mar- [ 100 ] DOMESTIC ART ried to a man dat could tell you when yo' shu't waist fits in de back, an' whedder yo' skirt hangs straight or slantwise. But beyond dat, hit's money in our pockets to keep men in deir own sacred sphere." [ 101 ] HYPNOTISM OF LOVE " Sis MIRANDY/' says Sis Araminty, whut is one of dese heah peradventure folks dat is al ways a-tryin' ^hings on de chanst dat dey might somehow wuk by accident, " Sis Mi- randy, is you done heard about dat man whut fo' fo' dollars will teach you de secret of how to throw a love conjer on anybody so dat dey will des come an' eat out of yo' hand? " " Dat I ain't," I 'spons, " an' ef I had done seed him doin' hit, let lone heard of hit, I wouldn't believe hit. I'd know hit was my lyin' eyes dat deceived me." " You suttenly always is one of dem doubt ful Thomisinas," says Sis Araminty sorter peeved lak. " Dere's meracles an' meraclee," I 'spons, [ 102 ] HYPNOTISM OF LOVE " some of 'em can be wuked, an' some of 'em can't be wuked, an' one of dem things whut nobody ain't got no receipt for makin' is love. Love is angel's food all right. I ain't asputin' dat, but nobody can tell you how to cook hit up, or whut to put in hit, or whut to leave out of hit, or how to keep hit from fallin' flat an' settin' sour on yo' stomach, or how to warm hit up an' make hit tasty again after hit gits sorter cold, an' clammy, an' heavy." " Maybe so, an' maybe not so," says Sis Araminty, " but, Sis Mirandy, dis man whut advertises dat he will teach you how to cast de love spell on de one of de odder sect dat you's honin' for to ax you to marry him, an' tole back dem husbands an' wives whut is jumped over de fence round de fambly circle, ain't no seventh son of a seventh son dat was bawn in a caul. He's a scientist." " Dere ain't no science in love," I 'spons, " hit's all luck. Dat's why de gals whut's cut out to make model wives an' mothers never gits a chanst at de job, an' noble young men, who would make any good woman happy, gits tied up wid flibberty-jibberty gals dat thinks dat a wife's whole duty is to grab her hus- [ 103 ] MIBANDY EXHORTS band's wages an' blow hit in on saucepan hats an' fancy shoes befo' he gits a chanst to git a nickel of hit. " Why, Sis Araminty," I goes on, " ef dere was any science 'bout lovin' de right pusson, or gittin' de right pusson to love you, dat any body could teach, we'd all be a-livin' in de mil lennium, an' singin' songs of joy, instid of most of us castin' one wishful eye on Reno, an' one of dem short-order divorsches dat you reads about." " Dat's des de pint," 'sclaims Sis Araminty, " dis perf essor dat I's a-tellin' you 'bout says dat fo' de small sum of fo' dollars he can teach wives how to keep deir husbands' affection al ways at de bilin'-point, lak hit was in de days of cou'tship, instid of lettin' hit simmer down to de lukewarm state lak hit mostly does 'bout de time a wife ceases to be a lady-love an' be gins to be des a cook, an' to take mo' interest in bein' comfortable dan she does in lookin' lak a livin' picture. Fo' dollars is a mighty little sum for all of dat, Sis Mirandy, an' as for me I'd ruther retain my husband's love by puttin' a conjer on him dan by doin' widout pie for dinner." [ 104 ] HYPNOTISM OF LOVE "Huh/' I 'sclaims, "easy come, easy go! Ef you wants to fling away de money you done make by bendin' over de washtub on dat fool ishness, hit's yo' funeral an 7 not mine." An' den I rocked back an' forth in my chair in dat discontemptuous way dat we all does when we hands out good advice to folks dat won't take hit. " Sis Mirandy," axes Sis Araminty, " ain't you got no faith whatsomever in dis heah love- hypnotism business?" " Sho' I believes in hit," I 'spons. " Love ain't nothin' else but hypnotism, but you don't cast no conjer on anybody else. You puts hit on yo'self, an' as long as hit wuks on yo' own system you is happy an' saterfied, an' de min ute somebody breaks de spell on you an' you wakes up, you is mis'able. " You is always hear in' men an' women talkin' 'bout how de ones dat dey married changed after marriage. Hit ain't true. De ones dat is changed is de ones dat done hyp notized deirselves into thinkin' dat some po', onery, ev'y-day sort of a man or woman was a hero of romance, or a pin-feathered angel, an' when dey come to an' see deir husbands an' [ 105 ] MIBANDY EXHORTS wives as dey really was, an' as dey always had been, why dey didn't have de nerve to stand hit. " Why, Sis Araminty," I goes on, " do you suppose dat dere would ever be an odder wed ding ef we didn't conjer ourselves into be- lievin' dat de pusson we marries is whut we want 'em to be instid of whut dey is? Nawm, we marries our dreams instid of real flesh an' blood folks. " Ev'y gal thinks dat she'd lak to marry a man 'bout seven feet high, wid a chest-measure lak a giant, an' somebody dat would be hard an' cold to all de balance of de worl', but lak putty in her hands, an' dat won't ask nothin' else in life, after he gits married, but des de privilege of tellin' her how beautiful she is. "An' pretty soon de gal meets up wid a lit tle man dat's 'bout de size of a shrivelled pea nut, an' dat's so timid dat he jumps when you speak to him sudden, an' dat ain't got no mo' highfallutin' love talk in him dan dere is in a ham sandwich, an' de gal looks at him, an' looks at him until he begins to grow, an' git a halo 'bout him ontel he seems to her des de prezact image of dat big, fine-lookin' hero of [ 106 ] HYPNOTISM OF LOVE romance dat she always thought she would git for a husband, an' she marries him on dat flat- fonn. But she done conjered herself. De man ain't had no part in castin' de spell on her. "An' hit's de same way wid men. De men dat has got de most shiftless an 7 no-'count wives is always a-braggin' on dem instid of lambastin' dem. Hit's becaze dem men is done figured out de kind of wives dey wanted, an' den dey done dress deir wives up in de kind of virtues dey wanted 'em to have, an' dey ain't found out de wives ain't got 'em. "An' dat's de reason, Sis Ararninty, dat I don't never call a wife's or husband's attention to de faults of de partners of deir bosoms, for des as long as a woman thinks dat her hus band is so good lookin' dat ev'y odder woman would take him away from her ef she could, why hit's des as good as de real thing to her. An' des as long as a man believes he drawed a cross betwixt a Venus an' Hetty Green an' a cook-book in de matermonial lottery, why he des goes 'bout in a tranch of bliss, an' you can't pry him away from his own fireside. " Nawm, you don't catch me wakin' nobody [ 107 ] MIEANDY EXHOETS up, an' when women babbles along to me 'bout how wise an' great, an' handsome deir hus bands is, an' when husbands brags to me 'bout how deir wives is de greatest managers dat ever was, an' can make biscuits dat des melts in deir mouths, I des pats 'em on de back, an' tries to shoo 'em back to sleep again, for mar ried folks is only happy as long as dey can keep deirselves hypnotized into thinkin' whut dey wants to think." " Sis Mirandy," says Sis Araminty, "do you reckon dat our husbands sees us still as young, an' slim, an' spry, lak we was when dey picked us out for wives, or do dey see us as we is now, ole an' fat an' heavy footed? " " Sis Araminty," I 'spons, " hit's my opin ion dat a man don't ever take a second look at his wife after he gits married to her. An' dat's Gord's mercy to women. An' anyway Ike's a heavy sleeper, so I trusses for de best." [ 108 ] THE HAPPINESS CULT DE odder night Sis Luellen, whut is one of dese heah women whut is always displaying on deir pusson de latest wrinkle in clothes, an' religion, drapped into my house, an' she set up all de evenin' a-grinnin' lak a possum, dough whut call anybody has got to wear dat oh-be- joyful look wid de price of po'k chops a-soarin' up higher an' higher ev'y day, beats me. " Well, Sis Luellen," says I when I couldn't stand no longer lookin' at her loopin' up her mouth over her new set of sto' teeth, "hit looks lak to me dat you is mighty pleased 'bout somethin'. Is you done come into a for tune, or is you heard dat de Lawd has done [ 109 ] MIEANDY EXHORTS took yo ? ma-in-law, or is any odder good luck done come yo' way? " " Oh, no," 'spons Sis Luellen, " ev'ything is jes' rockin' along de same ole way wid me. De change is in me. Fse done jined de Glori- anna Sciety." "De who?" I axes. " De Glorianna Sciety," says Sis Luellen. "An' how does you promulgate de whar- foreness of dat? " I inquires. " Oh," says Sis Luellen, a-gittin' another grip on her grin, " de Glorianna Sciety is or ganized for de puppose of permotin' happi ness, an' de members take a pledge to always keep a-smilin', no matter how much dey feels lak cryin'. " Lakwise we stands on de flatf orm dat ev'y- thing is all right whedder hit's wrong or not, an* dat ef you des keep on a-smiliii' long enough you'll git something to smile 'bout at last. Oh, de Glorianna Sciety suttenly is a grand Sciety, Sis Mirandy, an' you had orter jine hit." "Not me," ? spons I, "for I don't take no stock in dat make-believe happiness doctrine. When you hears ole Mirandy gittin' up an' [ HO ] THE HAPPINESS CULT lettin' out any halleluiah hollers, you jes ? write it down in yo' little book dat she's got somethin' to shout over. She ain't wastin' no steam on pertendin' dat she's done drawed a prize in de lottery when all dat she's got is a blank. " Furdermo'," I goes on, "ef dere's any thing in dis world dat gits on my nerves an' makes me tired, hit's dese people dat makes a business of bein' cheerful an' gay, an' who puts on deir smiles in de mawnin', des lak dey pins on deir false hair, an' wears 'em all day no matter whut happens. Deir laugh is des 'bout as much lak de real thing as dis heah mock duck dat I makes out of bread-crums an' veal trimmings is lak a fo'-dollar teal quacker. " Yassum, Sis Luellen, I reckon 'bout de saddest thing dis side of a funeral is one of dese heah perfessional rays of sunshine. I used to know one of 'em once named Sis Pa tience, an' Sis Patience was one of dese sway- back women dat look lak she done got all de odds an' ends of misery an' bad luck dat was lef over when odder folks got deir share of tribulations. Sis Patience was married to a no-account, triflin' man dat was bawn too [ HI ] MIEANDY EXHORTS tired to wuk, so site had to support him. An' she had de rheumatics in her knees, an' de dys pepsia in her stomach, an' de misery in her haid, an' twins, an' triplets, an' odder afflic tions. "Yassum, she suttenly was travellin' through de low grounds of trials an' tribula tions, but instid of settin' down and sheddin' barrels of tears an' complainin' 'bout her lot, she went 'bout smilin' until hit made yo' face ache to look at her. I'd go over to her house an' dere would be Sis Patience at de washtub wid her jaws tied up wid de neuralgy, but a-smilin' along lak she had on a flower bonnet an' was a-startin' out to a picnic. " Maybe Br'er Amos would come home dat tanked up wid red-eye he had to make fo' passes at hit befo' he could hit de do', but Sis Patience would smile at him des lak he was a lover bringin' home a bouquet an' his pay en velope, instid of a jag. Maybe de twinses would be fightin' all over de flo' an' a-yowlin' lak a pack of catamounts, but Sis Patience would keep on a-smilin' at dem lak dey was angel chillun named Percy. "An' she'd smile, an' smile, an' smile, ontel THE HAPPINESS CULT she'd git me dat crazy a-lookin' at dat grin dat wouldn't come off dat I felt lak I was goin' crazy." "But, Sis Mirandy," 'sclaims Sis Luellen, " but shorely you believes dat hit is a woman's place to be cheerful in her f ambly, an' to meet her husband wid a glad, sweet smile when he comes home? " " Fur from it," 'spons I ; " sometime hit's a wife's duty to meet her husband wid a glad, sweet smile, an' sometimes hit's her duty to meet him wid a club, or a flatiron, whichever she is handiest wid. Whedder hit's a wife's business to smile or not depends on whedder her husband gives her anything to smile 'bout. Ef my old man Ike wants me to be Little Sun shine aroun' de house, he's got to come acrost. " Yassum, Sis Luellen, you listen to me, for I'se a-givin' you de true words, dis heah cheer fulness business sounds mighty good to listen to, but you take hit from me, de women whut has got husbands dat walks in de straight an' narrow path, an' chillun dat behaves deir- selves, is women dat bears mo' resemblance to a toranado dan dey does to a ray of sunshine. Folks gits out of de way of a hurricane, but [ 113 ] MIEANDY EXHORTS dey kind of dilly-dallies along wid a mild spring mawnin', an' dat's de way dey treats a woman. De woman dat's got influence in her own home is de one dat has got a frown lak a thunder-cloud, an' a tongue like a streak of lightening not one of dese heah pussy-cat smilers dat sets up an 7 grins, no matter how folks rubs her fur de wrong way." " But think whut a grand place de world would be ef we all went 'bout smilin'," says Sis Luellen. " Humph," 'spons I, " I specs dat when de good Lawd made de sunshine, He knowed whut He was 'bout, an' when He made de rain an' de storm He lakwise knowed whut He was 'bout, an' dat He wouldn't have mixed 'em up, wid sunshine after rain, an' rain after sun shine, widout dat had been de bes' way to fix hit. Lakwise, I'se also of de opinion dat He expects us to know when we are happy, an' to know when we are miserable, an' not to be fools enough to make out dat we'se havin' de time of our lives when we'se got a jumpin' toothache, an' dat we enjoys performin' on a washtub, an' is flattered to death when we overhears somebody say dat we'se gittin' ole THE HAPPINESS CULT an' fat, an' our new hat is ten yeahs too young for us. " Why, Sis Luellen, de biggest consolation dat dere is in trouble is bein' able to lift up our voices, an' weep, an' lament, des lak hit takes de pain away when you'se sick, ef you can groan aloud, but ef you keeps up all of dat smilin' business an' makes out you is enjoyin' yourself when you'se sick, you ain't got no comfort left in yo' afflictions. " Yassum, dere's a time to be glad, an' a time to be sad, an' a time to be mad, an' dere ain't no sense in mixin' 'em up. As for me, I likes to laugh as well as de next one, but I want somethin' to laugh 'bout. I wants some- thin' inside of me dat tickles my funny-bone, an' sets de bells ringin' in my heart, an' makes all de world bright, an' sunshiny, an' me feelin' lak a painted balloon a-sailin' over sparklin' water. Dat's de way I wants to feel when I laugh. I don't want to give out one of dese heah imitation, near-laughs dat you keep on tap, an' dat you turns on to keep from turnin' on de tear tap. " Nawm, I wants to be glad when I'm glad, an' miserable when I'm miserable, an' to keep MIEANDY EXHOETS my fambly dodgin' betwixt de cyclon^ellar an' de sun-parlor. For dat way you keeps a man guessin'. An' as long as you've got a man guessin' you'se got Mm. You hear me ! " EUGENICS " Sis MIRANDY/' says Sis Violet to me de odder day when she drapped over to my house to set a while an' pass de time of day, " Sis Mirandy, what do you think 'bout dis heah eugenics dat Br'er Johnsing promulgates so much 'bout? " " Eugeny who? " I axed. " I disremembers meetin' de lady, but ef Br'er Johnsing is a-takin' any interest in her, I bet she ain't no better dan she ought to be, whoever she is." " Eugenics ain't no female pusson," 'spons Sis Violet, " hit's a cause." " Whut sort of a cause? " I inquires. " One of dese heah causes whut you passes aroun' de hat for, or one of dem causes dat you puts on airs 'bout becaze hit's toney to believe in hit? " [ 111 ] MIEANDY EXHOETS " Well, I don't edzactly onderstand de whar- foreness an' de whereasness of hit myself," says Sis Violet, " but as near is I can make out, hit's havin' chillun by a new-fangled cut- paper pattern, instid of in de ole Mt-or-miss way." " De Ian' sake, you don't say so ! " 'sclaims I. " But dat's takin' de Lawd's wuk out of His hands." " Humph," 'spons Sis Violet, " Sis Mirandy, you sholy is behind de times, for hit's a mighty pin-haided pusson in dese days dat don't think dat dey can manage things better dan de Good Master kin." " Babies is de Lawd's wuk," says I, " an' He sends 'em as He pleases, for how else is hit dat po' folks always gits de twinses an' triplets, whilst rich folks has to go roun' to de orphan asylum an' buy 'em a second-hand infant? " " Dat's whut eugenics is fur," 'spons Sis Violet ; " hit's to regulate de baby-supply so dat dem whut can't feed whut dey has got, won't be gittin' anodder little boarder ev'y yeah, an' so dat dem whut's got whole sets of gold spoons to put in de mouths of deir babies when dey's born will have de mouths to put [ H8 ] EUGENICS 'em in. Mo'over, eugenics is givin' de chillun a square deal, an' hit's lettin' babies pick out deir pas an' deir mas befo' dey is born, an' dat way gittin' de kind dey's proud to be kin to, instid of havin' to take de kind of parients dat is wisht on 'em." " De Lawsy mussy ! You don't say so," I cries out. " How I wisht dat eugeny had been a-wukin' when I was a baby. I know who I'd 'a' picked out for a pa. Hit would have been Mister Kockinfeller, an' den I'd 'a' been a-swinunin' along in seas of kerosene instid of wrastlin' aroun' to find anodder quarter to drap in de gas-meter." " Yes," goes on Sis Violet, " hit seems lak we done been too casual, so to speak, in dis heah baby business. We ain't had no plan. We just took 'em as dey come, an' was thank ful when dey had de right number of legs an' arms, an' somethin' dat looked lak hit might look lak a face instid of a cream cheese when hit got a little older. But we don't take dem chances on nothin' else. When you wants watermillions, you plants watermillions. When you wants potatoes, you plants pota toes. When you raises hawgs, you raises MIBANDY EXHOBTS hawgs, an' likewise wid chickens, but when you starts out to raise a f ambly, you ain't got no mo' idee of whut you're gwine to turn out dan a rabbit has. Dar's whar eugenics steps in an' shows you how to have a set of chillun dat you can brag on to de neighbors." " Oh, I don't know," I 'spons, " I done seen some mighty slip-ups wid folks dat thought dat dey were smart enough to settle dis heah chile proposition out of deir own haids. I dis- remembers ef I ever seed a young mother tie up all her baby-clothes wid pink ribbon, an' pick out George Washington for a name be- caze she had determined to have a boy, dat hit didn't turn out to be a gal. Nor is I ever seen anybody start out to raise up a chile to be a preacher dat he didn't turn out a hoodlum. Ev'y baby is a prize package, an' you don't know whut hit's gwine to be nor whut's in hit ontel you gits hit. An' furdermo' de parients ain't got no say-so 'bout whut dey are gittin'. Dat's whut makes chillun so interesting Dey keeps you guessin'." "Maybe dey used to be dat way, Sis Mi- randy," says Sis Violet, "but dat was befo' dey invented dis heah eugenics whut I's a-tell- [ 120 ] EUGENICS in' you 'bout. Now you picks out your chil- lun's looks, an' deir size, an' de kind of sense dey is got, des lak you picks out de hat, an' de dress dat's most becomingest to you, an' suits yo' style, in de dry-goods store." " How you do dat? " I axes wid my mouth wide open, for I suttenly was tooken on de surprise by dis heah news. "Why," 'spons Sis Violet, "hit's jest as easy as f allin' off a log. All you got to do is to pick out yo' chillun's pa, or ma, an' grand pas an' grandmas, an' great-grandpas an' great-grandmas, an' great-great-grandpas an' great-great-grandmas, an' great-great-great- grandmas an' pas, and great-great-great-great- grandpas an' mas, an' lakwise deir uncles an' aunts in de same way, a-tracin' back de blood to kingdom come, an' seein' dat none of 'em ain't got no disease, nor peculiarity, nor cuss- edness dat you wouldn't lak for yo' precious darling baby to have. An' dar you is ! " " Yassum, I specs you would be, an' dat chile dat was de lineal descendant of all dem puffect people sholy would be a wonder, but don't you think dat he, or she, or it, would be mighty far apart, an' few of 'em? " I inquires. [ 121 ] MIBANDY EXHOETS "Maybe so," 'spons Sis Violet, "but dat's de recipe for havin' a eugenic baby. Follow de rule, an' you can't fail." " Well," 'spons I, " I don't know dat I takes much stock in dat doctrine. Hit looks to me lak hit was got up by ole maids an 7 ole bache lors whut ain't had much 'sperience in de baby line, an' don't know nothin' at all 'bout de in wardness of matermony an' de fambly-circle. Nawm, I don't hold none wid dat doctrine 'bout seein' dat all yo' chillun's kin-folks on deir pa's side is been good-lookin', an' always set up in de amen-corner at chu'ch. jSawm, for ev'y mother of a fambly knows dat ef dere is one consolation left to her in de world, hit is layin' all of her chillun's faults an' short comings onto deir pa's folks. "Now, when people flings bouquets at my Ma'y Jane an' says dat she suttenly is de spry- est gal, wid de finest figger, an' de grandest walk of any gal on our block, I des ups an' says dat hit ain't no wonder, for Ma'y Jane is des de sp'it an' image of my fambly. But when de neighbors say dat Ma'y Jane sholy is afraid of wuk, an' ain't on speakin' terms wid de cook-stove, an' dat de way dat she runs [ 122 ] EUGENICS after dat no-'count loafer Si Jones is a scan dal, I says dat Ma'y Jane takes after her pa's sister Irene, an' dat hit don't look lak she's got a drop of my blood in her body. Yassum, dis heah eugeny is gwine take away one of de greatest comforts of parients ef dey can't lay all of deir chillun's shortcomings on de kind of kin-folks dey had on de odder side of de house. "An' hit's kind of hard on de chillun, too, for hit don't give dem no excuse for deir sins an' deir failures. Yassum, I guess heredity is de most overworked excuse, goin' an' comin', in de world, an' ef you do away wid dat, hit sholy is gwine to be a depravity to a lot of folks. " When I goes to see Sis Malviny an' finds her settin' aroun' in a dirty caliker wrapper wid de bed onmade, an' de dishes piled up in de sink, does Sis Malviny hang her haid in shame becaze she's triflin' an' no 'count? Nawm. She say dat she takes after her ma, whut de sight of a broom always gives de pal pitations of de heart, an' dat she's des lak her ma's folks whut never could abide de sight of a washtub. Now whut I want to know is how [ 123 ] MIEANBY EXHORTS dem po' little eugeny chillun is gwine to do when dey can't lay deir failings on deir pari- ents, for deir parients was done hand picked for 'em wid such care dat dey was all models of virtue. "An' furdermoy I continues, "maybe I'd think mo' of dis heah theory 'bout tellin' whut a chile would be by de kind of parients it has ef I hadn't seen de way hit wuks backward. Des cast yo' eye aroun', an' you'll take notice dat dem couples dat is so ugly dat dey'd stop de clock most generally has de best-lookin' chillun, an' dem couples whut would take prizes in a beauty-show is de parients of little measly runts dat looks lak somethin' dat de cat brought in. An' mo' dan dat, wharever you finds a triflin' ma you'll find gals dat knows how to turn deir hands to any kind of wuk, an' most of de men dat is drawin' down fat pay an' bossin' de gang whar dey wuks is de sons of fathers dat was dat triflin' dat dey never could pay de rent or keep po'k-chops in de skillet Whilst de sons an' daughters of hustlin' parients ain't got de energy to do nothin' harder dan go shoppin' an' hold up de table at de poolroom. [ 124] EUGENICS " Yassum, hit's funny, but hit's true dat our chillun gits whut we ain't got from us jes' as often as dey inherits whut we is got. An' dat's why I ain't runnin' off after dis heah eugeny dat you talks 'bout. Mo'over, de Lawd has been makin' babies widout any advice from us for a mighty long time, an' as for me I's willing to let Him keep on wid de job." [125] ON KEEPING YOUNG DB odder day I drapped by Sis Hannah Jane's house, an' lo an' behole, de fust thing dat I set my eyeballs on when I opened de do' was Sis Hannah Jane fust jumpin' over de melojum stool, den she would hist one foot up an' kick at de wall wid hit, an' den she would flop down on de flo' an' roll over, an' over, de whilst her face wo' an expression of patient sufferin'. Now Sis Hannah Jane is a large pussonable lady, lak I is, whut tilts de scale roun' 'bout de two hundred pound mark, an' is got a fig- ger lak a bundle a woman wrapped up an' is had so many birthdays dat she done lost de count of ? em, an' hopes odder folks has, too. [ 126 ] KEEPING YOUNG Mo'over she is a mother in Israel, an 7 de vice- presiden' of de Daughters of Zion an' leads de female prayer meeting an' has got odder en titlements to de respect of de community, an' so when I see her actin' up in dat curis manner I sholy was dat flabbergasted dat you could 'a' knocked me down wid a fed- der. Fust I done thought she done los' her mind, an' den I thought dat she sho was havin' fits, an' whilst I was a-standin' in de do' tryin' to make up my mind whedder to call de police, or run for a doctor, Sis Hannah Jane seen me, an' she riz up, an' says lak dere warn't nothin' de matter : " Mawnin', Sis Mirandy, how does you se- gasuate dis mawnin' ? " " Thank you kindly, Sis Hannah Jane," I 'spons. " I'se enjoyin' po' health, as usual, but I was afeard from dem goin's on I seed you havin' dat you was sudden tooken wid some of dese heah new-fangled diseases, whut dey tells me is awful." " Nawm," she says, " dere ain't nothin' de matter wid me. You jest ketched me doin' my exercises." [127] MIRANDY EXHORTS " Exercises ! " 'sclaims I, " de Ian' sakes, woman, don't you git enough exercise a-cookin' an' a-scrubbin', an' a-sewin', an' a-cleanin' up after yo' fambly? " "Dat's wuk, Sis Mirandy," she 'spons; " dese heah are beauty exercises, an' de whar- fo'ness of 'em am to keep you young." " Huh," says I, " I lay dat hit'll tak mo' dan jumpin' over a stool, or havin' spasms on de flo', to stop de clock for any of us." " Hit is kine of discouragin', Sis Mirandy," agrees Sis Hannah Jane in a tired sort of way, " an' dere is times when I wisht dat I dast be jest as ole as I is, but all of de odder women is a-spendin' all of deir money an' strength on tryin' to keep young, an' I got to trail along wid 'em." "De mo' idjit, you," says I, "becaze keep- in' young is one of de things dat can't be did, Sis Hannah Jane, an' de only pusson dat a woman fools when she pretends to be a pullet after she is a stringy old hen is herself." "Hit's a terrible thing for a woman to grow ole, Sis Mirandy," sighs Sis Hannah Jane. " De cat's foot," says I, " a woman never [ 128 ] KEEPING YOUNG knows whut real happiness an' comfort means ontil she is fifty years ole, an' don't care who knows hit, an' has done made up her mine dat no man ain't gwine to turn roun' an' look at her when she passes him on de street! Den she can let out her corset strings, an' eat whut she laks, an' wear shoes big enough for her feet, an' git some pleasure out of livin'. Dat's de kine of a prize package dat age is, Sis Han nah Jane, ef a woman has got sense enough to retch out her han', an' take hit, an' be grateful dat she's got hit, instid of tryin' to dodge hit. " But hit sho am a rocky road, an' hard to travel ef you is tryin' to put up a bluff, an' make folks thinks dat you is sixteen instid of sixty. My Lawd, but hit makes me des slosh over wid sympathy, when I sees dem ole grandmas dat's paintin' roses on de cheeks whut ain't had a natchel one on 'em for thuty years, an' dat fills up all of deir wrinkles wid rice powder, an' dyes deir hair, an' acts young an' skittish when deir po' ole bones is full of de misery of rheumatics. " Believe me, Sis Hannah Jane, dem ole whited sepulchers is missin' de best part of [ 129 ] MIEANDY EXHOETS life. Bey's missin' de peace, an' de comfort, an' de respect of age." "But, Sis Mirandy," axes Sis Hannah Jane, " ef a woman don't keep young how is she gwine to retain her husband's love, seein' as how de older a man gits de mo' his taste runs to brilers? " " Sis Hannah Jane," 'spons I, " ef by de time you has been married to a man thuty-five or forty years he don't love you for somethin' mo' dan yo' age, he don't love you at all, an' dere ain't no use in worryin' 'bout holdin' him. He's done jumped de bars an' gone out to hunt for squabs so long ago dat hit don't count. Besides, any woman dat thinks dat she can fool a husband into thinkin' dat she's young when she is ole, has got dat little sense dat she ought to have her haid operated on for de sillies. "When a man loves his wife when she's fifty, Sis Hannah Jane, hit's becaze she's dest part of him, an' becaze she's wuked side by side wid him endurin' all de years, an' becaze he's knowed dat no matter ef all de world turned aginst him she'd be right at his back wid her arms open to take him home in 'em, [ 130 ] KEEPING YOUNG an' her breast waitin' for him to pillar his haid on hit; an' hit's becaze he likes de way she fries po'k chops an' makes biscuits, an' hit's becaze hit always seems to him dat dere ain't no laugh so jolly as hers, an' she makes sunshine when she comes into a room, an' hit's becaze of de cradles dey has bent over toged- der, an' de little coffins dey has wept over, an' de sick beds dey has watched over when neider one dast tell de odder whut dey feared. Hit's for de good times an' de bad times dey has been through togedder, Sis Hannah Jane, dat makes a man think his ole wife is de only woman in de world. But hit ain't becaze she done fooled him into thinkin' dat she's done lost thuty years of her age, an' is young an' slim instid of bein ? middle-aged an' fat." " Don't you wisht dat you was young agin, Sis Mirandy? " axes Sis Hannah Jane. " Dat I don't," 'spons I, I'se havin' a lot better time now dan I did den. Hit's taken me fifty years to learn how to be happy. Why, I remembers when I was a gal dat when a rain would come up so dat I couldn't go to de picnic dat I had planned for, I'd dest set [ 131 ] KIBANDY EXHORTS down an' shed a barrel of tears, an' feel dat life was dat full of disappointment dat I had jest as well give up an 7 die. " But 'spose somethin' happens now so dat I can't do de thing I wants to do, why, I jest shrugs my shoulders, an' don't give hit an- odder thought, for I done found out dat ef I can't do one thing dat I'd lak, I can do some- thin' else dat may be I lak better, an' dat, anyway, dere ain't nothin' dat's wuth worryin' 'bout. An' hit pays to be ole, Sis Hannah Jane, dest to have got dat piece of informa tion. Dat's why you hardly ever see a ole pusson cry. Hit's de young dat sheds all de tears. An' for anodder thing, Sis Hannah Jane, when you'se young, you'se always got to be improvin' yo'self, but when you'se ole you can dest amuse yo'self. Thank Gawd, I done been to see all dem plays whut elervates de mind, an' now I can go wid a clar conscience to see dem whut makes me laugh." "Sis Mirandy," axes Sis Hannah Jane, " don't you believe dat hit's de duty of people when dey begins to git ole to keep on a studyin', tryin' to improve deir minds lak dem noble folkses whut Bro' Jinkins tells ? bout dat [ 132 ] KEEPING YOUNG learned furrin langwidges after dey was eighty? " " :N T awm, dat I don't," 'spons I. " Sis Han nah Jane," says I, " after you has got up at five o'clock in de mawnin' an 7 cooked breakfast, an' got you' ole man off to wuk, an' washed an' dressed de chillun an' sent 'em to school, an' den turned in an' done a hard day's washin' beside throwin' in cookin' dinner an' supper an' doin' a lot of darnin' an' patchin', when de twilight comes don't you think dat you'se got a right to set down, easy an' quiet, an' take things comfortable? " " Dat I does," 'spons Sis Hannah Jane. " Well," says I, " dat's de way dat I looks at de time of life from fifty on for a woman. She's done done her day's wuk in raisin' her fambly, an' ef she's got de sense dat Gawd promised a fishin' worm, she don't worry her self no mo' 'bout keepin' young, nor keepin' up wid de times, nor nothin'. She dest sets down in de twilight of life an' takes things easy, an' enjoys herself." "Den whut's de matter wid all of dese heah folks tryin' to teach women how to keep young? " axes Sis Hannah Jane. [ 133 ] MIEANDY EXHOETS "Dey's false prophets," 'sports I. "Wlmt women need is not somebody to teach 7 em how- to keep young, but somebody to teach 'em how to grow ole." [ 134 ] LONG ENGAGEMENTS " DE odder night Gladys Maude Geraldine come 'round to my house wid dat I-done-hit look on her face dat a woman never wears ceptin' when she hooks her first beau an 7 looks at her first baby, an' befo' she is done tackled puttin' up wid de cantankerousness of a hus- ban' or walkin' de colic. " ' Rejoice wid me, Sis Mirandy,' says she, ' for I'se done got my glory ticket/ " ' Hump,' 'spons I, ' by dem tokens I takes hit dat Si Johnsing has done come through an' popped de question, at last.' " ' Yassuni, 7 says Gladys Maude Geraldine, ' he done axed me to marry him, an' we'se engaged.' [ 135 ] MIBANDY EXHOBTS " ' Well/ 'spons I, ' ev'ybody has got a right to try matermony once, anyhow, des for luck. Sometimes you gits fun out of hit, an' some times you gits trouble out of hit, but, anyway, hit saves you from being a ole maid, an' gives you a run for yo' money, an' so I don't dis courage none of dem from enterin' de holy estate whut has got sportin' blood an' enjoys takin' foolhardy risks. When is de happy event com in' off, so I can git me one of dese heah new Bulgin' dresses to wear for I lays to shake a foot at yo' weddin'? ' " ' Oh,' says Gladys Maude Geraldine, * Si ain't got no job, an' we ain't got no money to git married on, an' we'se got to wait ontil he makes his fortune or leastways gits enough money to pay de rent an' buy a few po'k chops.' "