FCAIIFO/?^ ^QF-CAIIFO/?^ 5>^UIBRARYQr ^^WE•UNIVER% ,^lOSANCElfj> /.av}ian-# ^'^ '^/^a3AINn-3WV^ >> ^MEUNIVERV/- \ rxT 'Jr % \mi\is.r '^jiaAiNn-awv" I ^OfCAl! ^:^ '^/J^ ''rttJJllVJiU' ' CAIIF0%, ,^,OF-CAllFr- iijj^v:^ui- .^WEUNIVER% ^^^ilJAlNlliUV ' ^^UlBRARYOc. \WEUNIVER% nVJJO^ '^^OJIIVJ-JO^ MIFO/?^ /aaii-# ^(^Aavaan-^ ,^\^EUNIVERS/A vE f- «-T> r*N IV PREFACIi. in his progress towards that inevitable bourn, ha shall neither be voted a bore, nor prove useless to those who may seek his guidance and advice. In the Handbook of Dorking, the Author has endeavoured, as far as possible, to avoid prolixity, and to keep clear of every topic which might prove dull and uninteresting. It has been his aim to point out to strangers every object of interest connected with the town of Dorking and the ex- quisite scenery lying adjacent to it, — to accompany them in their rambles tbrougli the woods and lanes, and over tlie hills, — to point out a few of the hidden charms which might otherwise escape their eye, — to be their companion, their chosen com- panion, he trusts, while wandering amid scenes which should " unloose their bonds of care," or visiting haunts which have become sacred by historical or literary associations. This is the task proposed ; the visitors to Dorking and its neighbourhood will prove the best judges as to the way in which it has been accomplished. Before concluding the preface, the Autlu)r begs leave to thank all those who have kindly afforded him inl'ormation, or who have made a pleasant task still pleasantcr by the interest they have evinced during its progress. It would be TREFACE. V inviduous to mention a few names,— it would be impossible to mention all, and tliercfore he is compelled to content himself with this brief and general knowledy-e. LIST OF ENGRAVINGS. PAGE EAST STREET TO DORKING, face Title Page MAP OF THE NEIGlIBOrRHOOD ..---, 1 THE OLD MARKET HOVSE -------- 4 CHOIR OF ST. ^martin's CIlVRCll - ----- fi ST. P.\ri,'s fiHURCH AND PARSONAGE - - - - 7 ROSi: HILT, DORKING 8 DORKING FROM THE RAILWAY STATION - - - 10 DENHIES FROM THE RAILWAY .-.--- 28 ARINGER CHURCH ---------- 41 COURSE OF IHK RIVER MOLE -..-.- o2 l«)X HILL .--- -- 64 MICKLEIIAM RECTORY 76 THE druid's grove NORBURY ------ 82 ENTRANCE LODGE TO NORHURV PARK - - - - 85 PRAY BRIDGE IN FRIDLEY MEADOWS - - - - 87 MILTON COURT MANOR HuUSE 99 STAIRCASE AT MILTON COURT 100 WOITON CHURCH 114 WOTTON RECTORY 118 THE WELL ON OCKLEY GREEN 124 OAK WOOD CH.V^'EL - - - 125 BRASS IN OAK WOOD CHURCH 126 GROUND- PLAN ON THE GEOGRAPHICAL STRUCTURE OF LEITH HILL 131 FOSSILS, Slc, &C. stack Annex 5 CONTENTS FAGB TUF. TOAVX- 1 A PREAMBLE ON SCENERY- - - - 23 DENBIES AND RANMORE COMMON - 28 LEITH HILL AND ABINGER - - - 31 BETCHWORTH PARK AND BROCKHAM 43 THE MOLE - - - 52 THE GLORY - ... -^ ~ - - - 59 BOX HILL, NORBrRY, 6cC. - - - - 64 THE DEEPDENE ------- 88 BI'RY HILL, ROOIvERY. AVOTTON', kc. 97 HOLMWOOD AND OCKLEY - - - - 120 GEOLOGICAL SI^KVEY 129 "OIIR WILD FLO>VERS" 152 t, 4*.M- m i.j,p(_ A- B.d/ona •^'^ sd'-^" SCALt OF MILtS C.Mo.ifir LiLTi , i^. Ho.horn ^»T»*^ 'vJnirV*n|^^r" r\ A HAND-BOOK OF DORKING. " Oh! pleasant land of idlesse! Jollity bides not 'neath the trees. But thought, that roams from folly free, Tluough the pure world of poetry, Puts on her streng-th in scenes like these." Maky Howitt. "NAME a third country town for beauty and cleanliness, and all that makes a place pleasant, worthy to be numbered with Dorking and Guild- ford." So writes Martin Tupper, the far-famed author of " Proverbial Philosophy." We believe that the praise which he has awarded to Guildford is well deserved; an intimate acquaintance with Dorking enables us to corroborate his opinion respecting that town with a still greater measure of certainty. In order to describe it properly, we will take it for granted that our readers know no more about Dor- king than the few brief and dry particulars which they may haVe gleaned from the pages of a Gazetteer. Many of them, in the old coach- days, probably passed through it on their way to Horsham or Brigh- ton. If they were gifted with the love of beauty, or with an eye for the picturesque, they could not fail to be struck with the town, so peacefully does it lie in the valley, surrounded by hills and uplands, B A HAND-BOOK which in some directions are clothed with foliage, and in otliers stand out bare, and yet withal, beauti- ful in their form and outline. Dorking, or Dorchingcs according to the Domes- day Book, is situated upon the Pip-Brook, a little stream which runs parallel with the town on the north side, and after crossing the London road, emp- ties itself into the Mole under Box Hill. In olden times, the streams in the neighbourhood were famous for producing perch, and we are told that " Dutch merchants used to come frequently from London to eat water-souchy, made of them in great perfection here." Dorking is bounded on the North by the Parishes of Micklcham and Great Bookham ; on the East by Betchworth ; on the South by Leigh, Newdigatc, Capel, and Ockley ; and on the West by Wotton. By the coach road, it is twenty-four miles from Cornhill, twelve from Guildford and Horsham, five from Letherhead, and about nine from Epsom. The statistics of Doiking, and all necessary in- formation respecting the town, we shall endeavour to compress within as small a space as possible. Readers of Guide-books, like birds of passage, come and go with the season, and very little does it concern them to be informed upon all those minute points wliich the writers thereof are sometimes tempted to bring under their cognizance, and which tend to make their vt)lumcs flat and unprofitable. Be it known then, that Dorking must at one period have been a place of considerable importance. In name and repute it is very ancient, and it is OF DORKING. probable that the manor was given by William the Conqueror, to Gundreda his daughter, who married the first Earl of Warren and Surrey, for we find that the seventh earl claimed the right of holding the market and fair in the town, the latter on the eve and day of the Feast of the Ascension, at which season it is still commemorated. Upon the early history of the town, we do not propose to enter. At one period, it must have been a place of con- siderable resort, and the number of large inns which it contained, affords us some idea of its prosperity. The remains of one or two of these ancient buildings, now used for other purposes, are still standing, and will be viewed with interest. Among these, the Queen's Arms at the corner of West Street, near the Post-OfRce, appears to have been the largest. It extended a considerable way down the Street, and probably terminated at the spot now occupied by the Bell ; the old bar and the old sign have been preserved, and the date 1591 is still visible. At the north-west angle of the High Street, on the present site of the Post-Office, there was another very large inn, part of which is still stand- ing, although long ago converted to other purposes. It bore the sign of the Lower Chequers, but was changed at the time of the Restoration to the Old King's Head. This inn was the resort of many celebrated men, and on the glass of the windows, removed about thirty years ago, many curious devices and signatures were engraved. B 2 A HAND-BOOK The markets, too, were large and well-frequentod in those days, but the Market House falling- into decay, was pulled down in 1813, and never re-built. THE OLD MAUKF.T HOUSE. From this circumstance, wc may safely argue that the trade of the town was in no very floiirishing condition at that period.* Time has gradually destroyed nearly all traces of Dorking's primitive condition, and the shops and houses have been modernized in accordance with the spirit of the age. Mr. Thome, in his " Rambles by Rivers," one of the most charming volumes in Knight's Shilling Series, describes it as a "long, neat, • Amonjj the curiosities lately sold in the Bernal collection, was a jjilt sacianieiit;il cii|), sliapr H. Twining. Longman & Co. 6 A HAND-BOOK only one to which we shall allude. " The science of mechanics or of building introduced the un- questionable improvement of carrying off the water by an internal system of spouts and gutters, instead of exposing the foot-passengers, as in some parts of the Continent, to the dripping from the eaves, or to the still less agreeable contributions from the water-spouts. But as the overhanging of the roof became no longer necessary by these improvements, the bulging cornice should have immediately taken the place and office of the suppressed projection of the roof. However, by a gradual diffusion of taste in architecture, the deep cornice and moulding are becoming more and more generally adopted ; but had this improvement of taste kept pace with the progress of the science of building, the uniform blank wall, terminated only by a narrow and in- significant coping, would never have been tolerated, even in this country of innovations." The parish church, which was opened for divine service in 1837, has no architectural beauty to recommend it. It is dedicated to St. Martin, and consists of a nave, aisles, transept, and chancel. The building has a square tower, surmounted by an octagonal spire, and will accommodate about 1800 persons. It was raised by voluntary subscription amounting to £10,000., £500. of that amount being presented by the Incorporated Society for Building- Churches. There ai'c several tablets in tlie church, but the only names whicli the stranger will recogni/.e, are those of Abraham Tucker and Jeremiah Markland, — '^/i^yi'l',- G. notable men both of them, of whom we shall have occasion to speak in other portions of this volume. Hoole, the well-known, but unpoelical translator of Tasso and Ariosto, is buried in the churchyard. The chuixhyard happily no longer in use is an unattractive spot, surrounded by houses and destitute of trees ; but it is remarkable in one respect, for the Roman road leading from Arundel to London crossed its north-west angle, and many coins. "• chiefly of the smaller and least valuable brass, but including silver ones of Tiberius and Antoninus, have been found here at different times." St. Paul's church which was consecrated for divine service in the summer of 1857, is finely situated on a sloping piece of ground at the back of Rose Hill, which was presented for the purpose by Henry Thomas Hope, Esq., of the Deepdene. The church is built of Bath stone and flint, and in style is Early Decorated or Geometrical. It will contain between 500 and 600 people. The East and West windows are filled with painted glass by Hudson, and the walls of the interior are ornamented by ecclesiastical devices in stamped stucco. " The west gable" (we quote from the professional de- scription in The Builder) terminates in a bold oak shingled bell-cot." The parsonage which adjoins the church, fitly harmonizes with the ecclesiastical structure and after the lapse of years, when it has become somewhat sheltered by foliage, will present a very pleasing appearance. The incumbent is the Rev. J. B. Calvert. The church as well as the parsonage were built at the sole expense 8 A HAND-BOOK of John Labouchere, Esq., of Broome-Hall, who also liberally endowed the church. In West Street stands the Congregational Church, a neat, brick edifice, capa1)le of accommodating 800 persons. It was built about two years before the parish church, and both buildings stand upon the site of older places of worship. A plain Quaker Meeting-House on Rose Hill, and a rather pretty Wesleyan Chapel in Church Street, complete the list of our places of worship. Unfortunately, the description of almost every town involves an account of its workhouse, which is generally the ugliest and the most conspicuous building in a locality. Dorking Union stands out prominently enough, on a noble eminence command- ing a beautiful view of the sunounding country. It contains sufficient accommodation for 250 persons, and the utmost care and attention are bestowed upon all its internal arrangements. The large cellars or caves beneath the town, dug out of the sand rock, are highly curious. It is said that more than a hundred years ago, a man was foolish enough to expend all his property in making the largest of these excavations, at the bottom of which there is now a spring of pure water. Not far from these cellars, is Rose Hill, once the pro- perty of Richard Lowndes, Esq., in whose days the estate consisted of a spacious mansion and beau- tiful grounds, but the house has been divided, .and on the land several villas have been built, some of which can boast of architectural beauty, while all present the appearance of comfortable residences. OF DOKKING. At the east end of Dorking, is Shrub Hill, the residence of Lady Elizabeth Jane Wathen, the daughter of the late Earl of Rothes. The grounds attached to the house are laid out with considerable taste, and afford ample scope, by the undulations of the land, for all the mysteries of landscape garden- ing.* They are bounded by Cotmandene, a beautiful and healthy common, of about twelve acres in extent, the favourite resort of cricketers during the summer months, and a pleasant promenade at all times, for the soil is dry, the air fresh and breezy, and the view of the surrounding country, " beautiful ex- ceedingly." At the back of the common, rises the mansion of the Deepdene, but in summer, it is not wholly visible from this point, owing to the density of the foliage. A pretty row of almshouses, fronted by a garden, adds considerably to the general effect ; there is an air of cleanliness and comfort about them, and the inmates appear happy and contented in this quiet retreat. There are a few pleasant and comfortable lodgings upon Cotmandene, and several others in the town, which are eagerly sought after by visitors as long as the season lasts. In summer, too, several of the residents of Dorking are in the habit of seeking a sea-change and of letting their houses during their absence, and many a man of business who may be seen daily in the City, and who seems as though • Nearly opposite Shrub Hill, are the nursery gardens belonging to Messrs. Iveiy, which are open at all times to the inspection of visitors. The lover of flowers, and who does not love them 1 cannot fail to be gratified by a stroll through the grounds and greenhouses. 10 A HAND-BOOK he were wedded to his counting-house and his ledgers, is glad to dafF the world aside, and sjicnd his evenings at Dorking, for, thanks to the rail I the daily journey to and fro occupies no more time than the coach or omnibus drive to Hampstcad or Highgate. Not only has the railroad improved the trade of the town, but it has, in no small degree, promoted the comfort of its inhabitants, who can now realize almost every advantage which a city life affords, and be at the same time free denizens of the country, enjoying its peculiar charms and reaping all the benefits which it so freely offers. It would be idle to say aught with respect to the trains, for every visitor will doubtless bring a Bradshaw in his pocket, and if not, cards are to be obtained gratis in the town, affording every information with respect to the transit between Dorking and London. On referring to them, the tourist will find that he has the choice of two stations, and if his residence be situated at the east end of the town, he will choose the Box Hill terminus,* from whence also free transit by omnibus is granted twice a day. to and from Mickleham and Letherhead, for the advantage of railway travellers. During the summer months, the tourist has generally the option of travelling to London on alternate days, by a Brighton coach : there is, also, a coach twice every day to Letherhead and Epsom, in connection with the Epsom line of rail. There are several respectable inns in Dorking • The nmnibiis, lioucvcr, xvlucli is in conucclioii with the trains runs only to the Dorking Station. OF DORKING. 11 and two hotels, the Red Lion and the White Horse, both of which are well conducted, and the visitor will find nothing to complain of on the score of charges. At the back of the Red Lion, and belonging to its proprietor, is a room in which public meetings, balls, concerts, and lectures, are frequently held. It is well lighted and ventilated, but by no means large enough for the requirements of the town. In a literary point of view, Dorking may be considered deficient, when compared with other towns of the same size and importance. There are however one or more private Book Societies, and within the last few months a Literary and Scientific Institution has been started under the happiest auspices. This society has sprung from the ashes of another, which lately occupied the same building called the Rotunda, and which although unsuccessful was enabled to retire from the field with flying colours, and to contribute a liberal sum in aid of its successor, as well as to the Working Men's Society of which more anon. If we may judge from the prospectus of the new Literary and Scientific Institution, it will differ little, if at all, from its brethren, which enjoy for the most part a flourishing existence in the various towns of England. A Library, Reading Room, Lectures, and Classes, are the four main advantages it offers, and if this varied j^c^ulum prove true and sound in quality, few will be disposed to grudge the small sum required on admission. No arrangement ajjpears at present to have been made for the benefit of strangers, but this omission will probably be su^iplied. A monthly 12 A HAND-BOOK. subscription at a somewhat higher rate than that demanded for annual members, miglit be serviceable to the Institution, and would certainly prove so to the visitors, who frequent Dorking during the months of summer. A kindred Institution, designed however for another class in society, claims the name of the "Working Men's Institute. The design is a noble one, for no one is so ignorant now-a-days as to imagine that any portion of society is better or happier for ignorance. A strange kind of devotion indeed must that have been of which ignorance was the mother ; if the parent were purblind, the child must have proved a veritable imp of darkness. Let us be thankful that in England, however short a distance we may have advanced in practice, we do yet heartily maintain the claim of every man to be instructed, not only in religious truth, but in all sound and useful learning, What is " sound," and what is " useful" may give rise to many a con- troversy, but in the meanwhile the principle is ceded, and if the working man has only just ground enough on whicli to plant his foot firmly, he knows that with the consent and ai)probation of all good and great men, he may possibly advance step by step until he is lord of a mental territory, such as the highest aristocrat in the land finds it difficult, perhaps impossible, to attain. But to return to the Working Men's Institute. It is we have reason to believe under good management, and deserves encouragement. Gifts of books or money, or even better still an occasional lecture on some interesting topic, arc the means by which the claims of the OF DOKKING. 13 Institute can be met by those who have it in their power and heart to render a true service to the Working Men of Dorking. In some respects, Dorking can boast of consi- derable advantages. It is well lighted by gas, supplied with good water, and admirably paved ;* the soil and site, too, are highly favourable for a good drainage, and if, in some parts of the town, a deficiency has been felt in this respect, there is every prospect of its speedy and effectual removal. A quiet and beautiful spot on the Reigate Road, not far from the Punch Bowl Inn, has been occupied for more than two years, as the Cemetery of the town. The ground comprises four acres, more than half of which has been consecrated. There are two Chapels, and the style of both is in the second period of gothic architecture, or Decorated. A gate-house for the person in charge of the Cemetery, is in the same style, but adapted to domestic pur- poses. The architect, H. Clutton, Esq., has suc- ceeded in erecting two chapels, which are alike appropriate, and beautiful. He has at the same time been eminently favoured by the situation. " God's Acre," (we like to use the old and poetical term,) could not have been set apart on a more beautiful and favoured site, at such a convenient distance from the town. comfort and satisfaction of all toot passengers. 14 A HAND-BOOK Visitors to Dorking who may be invalids, will tind that every comfort is to bo met with in the town. The highest medical aid can be obtained on the spot, and the facility afforded for drives, rides, or walks, the extreme dryness of the soil, the quality and variety of all marketable commodities, are advantages which they who are in search of health can alone properly estimate. Dorking is especially famous for its Lime and for its Fowls. In the Chalk Pits, which are situated about half a mile from the town, on the north side^ are several large kilns. The lime produced here is much valued for its property of hardening under water, and it is said to have been first extensively used in the metropolis, in building the London Docks, and the Sessions House and County Gaol at Horsemonger Lane. The poultry of this neighbourhood has gained a still more extensive reputation. Dorking fowls are distinguished by their colour and by an additional claw, and are supposed by Manning to have been introduced into this country by the Romans, since Columella, in his Husbandry, describes " fowls answering to these." Singularly enough, for it has never been accounted for, the fowls are said to degenerate when removed to another locality. The breed was, we believe, becoming scarce, but since the poultry mania sprang up, more attention has been paid to it, and in a few years, we may expect a decided increase. To those of our readers who have been smitten by the prevailing malady, we recommend a small OF DURKING. 1; volume upon the Dorking fowl, written by the Secretary of the London Poultry Association. Dorking is by no means behind other towns in its educational advantages ; there are some good private schools ; and the National schools, as well as those in connection with the British and Foreign Society, are well attended and efficiently conducted. And here it will be well to mention the Choral Society, which is carried on with spirit and success. There are we believe two meetings of the members every week, but as the public are not admitted the visitor to Dorking will be unable we fear to form his own judgment on the musical status of the town. All charitable objects are here liberally supported, and as a single instance of the generous, as well as patriotic feeling which prevails, it may not be amiss to state, that, at a public meeting, held in the town, in aid of the Patriotic Fund, the sum of £400. was collected in the room, and a very considerable addition was afterwards made. As a town, Dorking is increasing in population,* and ere long it will in all probability greatly extend its boundaries. Within the last two or three years the formation of the Arundel Road, on either side of which, small, but respectable houses have been built, has enlarged considerably the size of the town. At the western end of Dorking, two or three new roads have been made, on either side of the Horsham Road. That on your left-hand as you leave Dorking • The last Census was takon in the year 1851. Tlic town then con- tained 34'JO inhal)itant3, while the entire population in the Tarish aiiiountecl to 5995. 16 A HAND-BOOK is yclept the Harrow Road, and that on the right which has two or three branches, if such we may term them, winding terrace-like up the hill is at present known by the single name of the Falkland, On both these sites small lots of freehold land are purchaseable, and every man is free to build such a dwelling-place as may accord with his humour, or suit his finances. Nothing could be finer than these sites, and the town besides being greatly extended might at the same time be much improved in appearance, if the hill side were to be studded with tasteful villas or picturesque cottages, but the building which has at present been achieved is for the most part frightful enough to afflict an architect with the nightmare, and to make every lover of the picturesque vexed and even indignant. It is sad enough, that these wide and beautiful roads which have received every assistance from nature, instead of gaining anything from the hand of art, should be dotted over with these shapeless excresences. The lover of the picturesque will look with a jcaloiis eye, upon every innovation likely to injure the beauty of old scenes with which his dearest associations are linked, or to destroy the charm with which his imagination has invested the familiar objects of a neighbourhood. The inhabitant of a flat country is peculiarly liable to be annoyed in this way. The destruction of an old cottage, the removal of a rustic bridge, or the felling of a patri- archal tree, which, from year to year, had breathed him a welcome " thro' all the summer of its leaves," OF DORKING. 17 will awaken the feeling of melancholy and deso- lation. The mind becomes conscious of a loss, which comparatively trifling though it be, does, nevertheless, affect it. But in a hilly country, our resources are manifold* and whatever changes may occur in Dorking or its neighbourhood, the grand features of its scenery must ever remain the same. Indeed, we believe that, far from being injured, the natural beauty of the site will be improved by the cultivation of taste and by the hand of art. If not, we have still " the strength of the hills," the beauty of shady lanes, of noble woods, of dingles and bosky dells, of wild open commons ; and no false taste, no innovator, though daring as Mr. Brown himself,* can ever entirely destroy the natural loveliness of this romantic neighbourhood. It has been truly remarked that " a small circuit round Dorking teems with a larger abundance of literary associations than probably any other locality can claim." There are not, however, many re- miniscences of this kind connected with the town itself, but what there are shall be here recorded. • " Capability Brown," or " The famous Mr, Brown," as he has been called, to distinguish him probably from his less illustrious kindred, was truly notable about the end of the last century, for endeavouring- to spoil nature, and to gain a name by the robbery. He was a quack landscape gardener, if we may use the term, and all the energies of his nature were devoted to carrying out a faulty, because an artificial sys- tem. The following anecdote, related by Sir Uvedale Price, is amusing and significant. " Brown was vapouring one day, as Mr. Cambridge himself told me, about the change he had made in the face of the country, and his hope of seeing his plans much more generally extended before he died. Mr. Cambridge, with great gravity, said, " Mr. Brown I very e.irnestly wish that I may die before you." ' Why so 1 said Brown, with great surprise.' ' Because,' said he, * I should like to see heaven before you have improved it." 18 A HAND-BOOK From 1729 till 1746, the Rev. John Mason, the author of " Self-KnoAvledgc," resided in Dorking, as the pastor of the Nonconformist community, and towards the close of that period, he wrote the work which keeps his fame still fresh among us. In it, the author has treated a most important subject, clearly and concisely, and therefore, in a popular manner, but we find in his work no grand thoughts, no majestic utterances. The mantle of our old divines has not descended upon Mason. His words are not winged, his ideas have in them no seminal power, he neither discovered the depth of meaning hidden in the world around him, nor does he evince any profound acquaintance with the human heart. He lacked imagination — a want grievous and irre- })arable, since without it, a man sees at best but dimly, and fails inevitably when he attempts to penetrate into the " life of things." Dr. A. Kippis, who succeeded the Rev. J. Mason in the pastorate, was a man of considerable note in his own day. He wrote for the " New Monthly Review" and the " New Annual Register," and published a life of Captain Cooke ; his activity was very great, his powers were varied and by no means superficial, and he has given full scope to them in his great work, the " Biographia Britannica," which was indeed a failure, but solely because the plan was too vast, the research requisite too minute, and the expected harvest too poor, to repay his industry, and the toilsome labours of his coadjutors. It will be remembered that it was on observing " the names of little note recorded in the Biographia Britannica," OF nORKlNG. 19 that Cowper wrote tlie following humorous lines : — Oh ! fond attempt to give a deathless lot To names ignoble, born to be forgot ! In vain recorded in historic page, They court the notice of a future age : Those twinkling tiny lustres of the land Drop one by one from fame's neglecting hand; Lethsean gulphs receive them as they fall, And dark oblivion soon absorbs them all. So, when a child, as playful children use Has burnt to tinder a stale last year's news, The flame extinct, he views the roving fire, There goes my lady, and there goes the squire, There goes the parson. Oh illustrious spark! And there, scarce less illustrious, goes the clerk ! The last name we shall mention is that of the Rev. James Joyce, the father of the present Vicar of Dorking, and for the following remarks Ave are indebted to the Rev. J. S. Bright, who has kindly permitted us to make use of the M.S. of an ad- mirable lecture delivered by him on the Literary Associations of Dorking. "The works of the Rev. James Joyce chiefly consist of one prose and one poetical production. The volume of verse, which was entitled " The Lay of Truth," was published in 1825, and dedicated to Lord Grenville, then Chancellor of the University of Oxford. Its object was to combat the principles, and counteract the influence of infidel and licentious modern poetry, respecting which he observes in the preface, ' our language has received a blot, and much as I venerate " The muse of fire which can ascend The highest heaven of invention." c 2 20 A HANTl-BOOK I could fervently Avish that the light of Genius were never kindled, or that it were extinguished at once, rather than that it should flash terror and destruction on the dearest interests of mankind.' This work treats of the most serious topics which can possibly engage human interests and enquiry, since it surveys the dignity of man, the presumptive proofs of the immortality of the soul, his capacity for religion, his susceptibility for indefinite im- provement, the illusions of pleasure, with their noxious effects upon the powers of the understand- ing, raises its voice against the seductive influence of some modern poetry, and urges the necessity of cultivating moral feeling to understand spiritual truth. The gravity of the danger justified his effort. The work properly belongs to the range of ethical poetry, and is marked by refinement of taste, occasional delicacy and felicity of description, elevation of thought and universal seriousness of purpose The other work is a treatise on " The love of God." It states the constituents of that divine principle, describes the manifestations and fruits here, and its large influence on the happiness of those who are redeemed, and who enter into the joy of the heavenly world. The close of the book contains an argument of some novelty and considerable interest, for the writer shews that the originality and inspiration of the Scriptures may be fairly defended, on the amount of existing evidence, sensibly strengthened by the presence of this one doctrine of "Love to God," which all the wisdom of man could never discover. He insists OF DORKING. 21 that as the Jews were indisposed for scientific inquiries, and neglectful of philosophy, such a divine and peculiar thought could reach them only in a supernatural way, and that it came from God alone. The nature of his affirmation respecting the originality of the doctrine is better appreciated when the accuracy and extent of his scholarship is borne in mind. His reading comi^rehended the Greek philosophers from Plato to Plotinus, which, with his knowledge of the ethical writers of Rome, constituted him a competent judge of the pretensions of uninspired men under the most favourable cir- cumstances of civilization and refinement. His style betrays his high admiration for Plato, and the whole work recals that noble school at Cambridge of which John Smith and John Howe rank as illustrious members Throughout the treatise, there are obvious indications of the mental vigour and delicate tact of the author, but the ■work would have commanded a higher position in literature, had the massive stems of thought been graced with a few flowering creepers of elegant fancy, or had there been occasional outbursts of imaginative light and beauty." Our notice of the town has been very brief, but as Dorking is, for the most part, without historical associations, and devoid of noticeable antiquities, it does not admit of a lengthened description. It would have been easy to spin out this chapter by de- tailing local incidents, or by rummaging out of musty volumes a few additional facts which the reader would be certain to skip while in search of more 22 A HAND-BOOK attractive matter. We might have given a copious history of the town, with a full, true, and particular biography of every nobleman who has possessed an interest in the manor — we might, in an alloAvable digression, have brought before the mind's eye, the illustrious members of the Howard family, to whom, either in part or as a whole, it has for centuries appertained — we might have written a flourishing account of the funeral of one Duke of Norfolk, or the marriage of another, with a long list of titles and a seasonable tirade upon the vanity of all human hopes and dignities — then, from the " Register Booke" of Dorking, we might have made a selection of singular births, marriages, and deaths, and have disinterred some of the estimable worthies who have long slept in that quiet resting-place — giving them, as it were, a du])licate life, though probably a brief one, in the pages of our " Hand-book." All this, we say, we might have done, and thus have bestowed upon our preliminary chapter, that air of dignified dulness, which we so often meet with at the commencement of Guide Books, and Avhich seems to be put on as tlie most respectable, and time-honoured prelude to a topographical campaign. Of course, in wandering out of the customary track, we have consulted the pleasure of our readers rather than our OAvn credit, and we expect, in return, that they will j^eruse this volume with loving and uncritical eyes, and be disposed to " make the best of it," where it fails in attractions, and to bestow their modicum of jnuisc when it is ju-tly deserved. OF UORKING. " O Lady, we receive but what we give. And ill our life alone does Nature live." Coleridge. THERE are two methods of describing scenery, and according to the cast of a man's mind, will he adopt one or the other. The lover of the picturesque seeks for pictorial effect, and his descriptions will often prove admirable specimens of word-painting. This is Walter Scott's peculiar forte, and nothing we have ever read — scarcely anything we have ever seen, leaves so vivid an impression on the mind as some of his graphic sketches. Another writer, on the contrary, in describing nature, will represent what he sees in it, but his vision will be affected by his own mental habitudes. The beauty of mere form, of colouring, or of sound, the wavy outline of the hills, the gorgeous hues of autumn, or the exquisite delicacy of the earliest spring-green, the roaring of the mountain torrent, or the voice of a hidden brook, " singing a quiet tune," will influence him in as far as they touch the springs of feeling, recal old associations, or awaken new suggestions, in as far as they find their way into the soul, and by influencing the current of his thoughts, aflect his whole being, and become emphatically " a joy for ever." It was in this way that "Wordsworth felt the power of nature. Beneath what we may call the surface-meaning, there is throughout his works a deeper meaning, which, like the signs of masonry, 24 A HAND-BOOK is iinderstood only by the initiated. It requires something more than a mere liking for poetry to appreciate him fully, for he appeals not to the eye, but to the heart, and moreover, to those emotions of the heart which lie the deepest, and are but seldom stirred. It was his aim to " see into the life of things," and so to converse with nature, that he might gain from her, not merely a sensuous gratification, but inward strength and solace for his daily life. And so in addressing his sister, he says that " Nature never did betray The heart that loved her ; 'tis her privilege, Through all the years of this our Hfe, to lead From joy to joy ; for she can so inform The mind that is within us, so impress With quietness and beautV) and so feed With lofty thoughts, that neither evil tongues, Rash judgments, nor the sneers of selfish men, Nor greetings where no kindness is, nor all The dreary intercourse of daily life, Shall e'er prevail against us, or disturb Our cheerful faith, that all which we behold Is full of blessings." And in another exposition of his poetical creed in that much-maligned poem, "Peter Bell," which, however, contains some of the most exquisite lines that Wordsworth ever wrote, he says : — Long have I loved what I behold, The night that calms, the day that cheers j The common growth of mother earth Suftiecs me ; her tears, her mirth, Ilcr humblest mirth and tears. OF DOKKIKG. 25 The dragon's wing, the magic ring, I shall not covet for my dower. If I along that lonely way With sympathetic heart may stray, And with a soul of power. These given, what more need I desire, To stir, to soothe, or elevate ? What nobler marvels than the mind May, in life's daily prospect, find, May find, or there create ? To the man of true genius nothing is impossible : but to describe nature as he sees it with the eye, is the only course which the ordinary prose writer can adopt, and the author of a Guide Book should endeavour to bring vividly before his readers the scenes which he is recommending to their notice. Even to accomplish this, however, is by no means a light task. Take, for example, a single view — one of the many beautiful home-scenes with which Surrey abounds. To give a skeleton sketch of it, is easy enough — to point out the shady stream and the lazy cattle cooling themselves in its refreshing waters, the true old English cottages with their thatched and deeply-slanting roofs, their lattice windows, and their rustic porches half-hidden by the roses and honeysuckles which entwine them — to guide the rambler's steps to the bosky dell, or to the delicious greenery of a wood, with its time-worn gate and awkward stile, and its little winding path, which, for aught we can tell, may lead us far away into enchanted land — to tell him that upon one side of his road, he will see sandy banks and firry 26 A HAND-BOOK woodlands, that on the other, the land is com- paratively flat and devoted to pasturage — to do all this, obviously requires nothing but the most ordinary powers of observation. But to fill up the sketch, and to invest the scene with the life and glory which we are conscious that it possesses, to bring it with all its pictorial effect, clearly before the reader, so that when he looks upon it for the first time, he may feel as though he were gazing on a spot already made familiar to him — hoc opus, hie labor est. AVhilst, however, we make no pretensions to this highest attainment in the writer of a Hand-book, we hope that we shall suc- ceed in giving our readers a sufficiently just idea of the scenery round Dorking to induce them to ex- amine it for themselves, and that some of our remarks, and all our facts may be useful to them in their excursions. Speaking broadly, the general characteristic of the scenery is beauty — never degenerating into mere rurality — never rising into sublimity. The hills are lofty, but their height is generally broken by trees or brushwood ; the woods are fine, but their extent is bounded, and in wandering through them, the sense of enjoyment is unmingled with awe. AVe recommend the visitor, to take, in the first place, a general view of the town and neigh- bourhood, from the summit of one of the hills. Perhaps, on the whole, Dcnbics is the most suit- able for this purpose, for, although from that site, the prospect is by no means picturesque, OF DORKING. 27 it is extensive and well-defined, and will give him the survey of a wide sweep of country. If he choose his position well, — and he will find several eligible spots in the field skirting the road which leads to Ranmore Common, — he will, with the assistance of the map, gain a correct idea of the surrounding localities, as well as of the town itself. Few of the lions in the neighbourhood will escape his ken. Box Hill indeed, is hidden, but that is almost the only important object which is screened by the rising ground on the left. The town itself lies clearly before him, with the Glory in the back- ground, and the Deepdene a little to the left, beyond which he will see the avenues of Betchworth Park, nearly a thousand feet in length, and the pretty vil- lage church of Brockham, whose white spire, with " silent finger points to heaven," — then the long and straight line of railroad running beneath him, Mark- land's old house beyond it, Avhich has lately been renovated, and is easy distinguishable by the adjacent pond, — the hamlet of Westcott on his right, with its picturesquely-situated church, — to which Birkett Foster alone could do justice, — the wide expanse of country looming in the distance, and the somewhat faint outline of the Evelyn woods, — which have become classic by association, — will give the excursionist no vague notion of his " whereabouts," and of the pleasant rambles which are in store for him. Woe betide him, if he bring not true country tastes to this scene of beauty. " We receive but 28 A HAND-BOOK. what we give," and giving — cocknifiecl impressions, and a love of show and bustle, an inclination for the amusements and flirtations of a watering-place, or for the activity of a commercial town, — what can he expect in return ? Need we wonder that, if brought to Dorking by some strange infatuation, such a visitor should speedily wish himself in his own world again, and pronounce it a " dull, lifeless, dreamy place" ? DENBIES AND RANMORE COMxMON. " Such beauty should unloose our bonds of care." — Alex. Smith. It will not be amiss, since we are so far upon the road, to see what is to be seen of Denbies and Ranmore Common. The estate of Denbies is now in the possession of George Cubitt, Esq., whose father shortly before his death, effected considerable alterations in the grounds, and erected a spacious mansion, to take the place of the small house, which formerly occupied the site. The prospect from the hill docs not greatly differ from that which wc have just described in the field near it. The old carriage drive to Denbies is entered upon from the London road, and the lodge is only a stone's throw from the turnpike gate. The ascent by this route is through a delightful shrubbery, beautiful at all seasons, but especially so in the curly spring, when the birds OF DORKING. 29 are in full song, and the tender green of the trees imparts an indescribable charm to the landscape. A new road has been lately completed, leading direct from the Station, and winding gradually up the hill by the same route, and a little above the rough cart road Ave have already mentioned, as leading to Ranmore Common. The original building was converted from a farm house into a gentleman's residence by Mri Jonathan Tyers, a singular man, of Vauxhall notoriety, who gave full scope to his eccentric tastes, in his disposal of the grounds. " He seems," says Mr. Brayley, " to have intended that his country-seat should form a striking contrast to the place of general amusement at Vauxhall." In the centre of a gloomy wood, which he called, " II Penseroso," he built a small temple, covering it with a number of serious in- scriptions, and at the termination of one of the walks, there were two skulls placed upon a pedestal, with some verses beneath them, said to be written by Soame Jenyns, while at a short distance from the temple, two figures as large as life, represented the Christian and the Unbeliever in their last moments, with a statue of Truth treading on a mask. On Mr. Tyers' death in 1767, these fantastic embellishments were removed, and the visitor can now enjoy all the beauty of the scene without having his taste annoyed by such strange incon- gruities. Passing through the grounds to Ran- more Common, the change in the scenery is very striking ; the eye wanders over an ample surface of wild heath land, about which several small cottages 30 A HAND-BOOK are scattered at intervals, while far beyond this foreground, is an extensive landscape, and if the tourist look in the direction of London, he will see St. Paul's Cathedral and Westminster Abbey. On this open moorland it is said that the present owner of Denbies, is desirous of erecting a church and school-house. There are however difficulties in the way, which we believe cannot at present be surmounted. The common is several miles in extent, and across it there is a delightful ride towards Guildford, com- manding some glorious views. Not far from Ran- morc is Polesden, once the residence of Sheridan, but the house in which he lived was pulled down many years ago to make way for a more commodious mansion. If the tourist is inclined for a rather long walk, he can wend his way through this estate, and beneath a noble avenue of beech trees, until, on passing the entrance-lodge, he finds himself on an open road ; he must then turn to the right, and in a few minutes, will enter on another road, whence he can either diverge to the left and visit Great Bookham, a pretty country village, or to the right, when he will drop down upon Westhumble, and enter the London Road about a mile from Dorking. It is worth some fatigue to accomplish the walk we have described, or at all events to make this descent, since the view of Box Hill, and of the adjacent country has, from one or two spots on the road, a finer pictorial effect than from any other position. OF DORKING. 31 LEITH-HILL. " To one who has been long in city pent, 'Tis very sweet to look into the fair And open face of heaven,— to breathe a prayer Full in the smile of the blue firmament." Keats. THE most direct route is by Coldharbour Lane, to reach which the tourist must pass through South Street, until he comes to a large substantial white house, the residence of J. Stilwell, Esq. Let him leave that house, and also the Falkland road with ils tributaries upon his left, and then keep along the lane which a short time ago was closely bound- ed on either side. Indeed the visitor who may return to Dorking, after the absence of a year or two will be greatly struck by the change in this corner of the town. For the first half-mile or more, the prospect is much confined, owing to the steep banks and trees, which obstruct the view. Beyond Mr. Barclay's farm-house, which lies upon the right, the lane widens for some distance into a road, then again it contracts, and the eye rests with delight upon the overhanging foliage, the sandy banks which brighten in the sunshine, and the wild flowers which, ever and anon, peep out from among the brushwood. Here and there, a few cottages by the road-side give a human interest to the scene. Up a steep bit of brae at an angle of the road, the tourist must mount for the sake of the view, and it may not be amiss to mention, that if he be not in the humour 32 A HAND-BOOK for so long a walk as we propose taking him to-day, he can from this eminence, tnrn off to the right, and by a winding and pleasant path, find his way to Westcott Common — of which more anon. Or, by a gate, he can enter fields, through which, by a circuitous route, remarkable for its beauty, he can reach the same point to which we nov/ intend taking him by the direct road. A pleasant road it is, forsooth, and feeling " the witchery of the soft blue sky" above him, or listening to the wandering voice of the cuckoo, or to the still sweeter cooings of the dove, " in firry wood- lands making moan," the traveller is not likely to become weary, and before he reaches the village of Coldharbour, he will be gladdened by many a scene of beauty. It is believed that on the site of Coldharbour, a city once stood, and a little above it, is Hanstie-Bury, an ancient intrenchment. " It occupies the brow and summit of a command- ing height, from which a vast expanse of country is overlooked, in almost every direction, except where the prospects are interrupted by the Leith Hill range." In April, 1817, in a field a short distance from the camp, a ploughman turned up a wooden box containing about 700 Saxon coins ; the box instantly crumbled to pieces. Many of the most valuable of these coins were transferred to the British Museum. Before our traveller ascends the hill, the church, the parsonage, and the school-house, will attract his attention : with beauty all around them, these buildings happily add to tlic general effect. When OF DORKING. 33 the hill is mounted which overlooks Coldharbour, there is about half a mile of rough furzy ground to traverse ere he comes in sight of Leith Hill proper, and the Tower crowning its summit. He will see a fir-wood on the right hand, and keeping in the path which leads along by the side of it, will come to a valley, into which he must descend, — and then mounting again vip the hill side, will soon reach the wished-for goal. And now we cannot describe the view which bursts upon us in any language so appropriate, as that employed by John Dennis, the foe of Addison and Pope — the most unhappy of men, the most virulent of critics ! In the following passage, how- ever, he appears under a more genial aspect than usual. "In a late journey I took through Surrey, I passed over a hill, which shewed me a more transporting sight than ever the country had shewn me before, either in England or Italy. The prospects which in Italy pleased me the most, were the Valdarno from the Appennines ; Rome and the Mediterranean from the mountains of Viterbo, the former at forty and the latter at fifty miles distance ; and the Campagna of Rome from Tivoli and Frescati : from which places you see every foot of that famous champaign, even from the bottom of the Tivoli and Frescati to the very foot of the movmtains of Viterbo, without anything to intercept your sight. But from a hill I passed in my late journey, I had a prospect more extensive than any of these, and which sur- passed them at once in rural charms, pomp, and D 34 A HAXn-BOOK magnificence : the hill which I speak of is called Leith Hill, and is situated about six miles south of Dorking. It juts out about two miles beyond that range of hills which terminates the North Downs on the south. When I saw from one of those hills, at about two miles distance, that side of Leith Hill, which faces the Downs, it appeared the most beauti- ful prospect I had ever seen, but after we had conquered the hill itself, I saw a sight that would transport a stoic ; a sight that looked like enchant- ment and a vision beatific ! Beneath us, lay open to our view all the wilds of Surrey and Sussex, and a great part of those of Kent, admirably diversified in every part of them with woods, and fields of com and pasture, and everywhere adorned with stately rows of trees. " This beautiful vale is about thirty miles in breadth, and about sixty in length, and is terminated to the south by the majestic range of the southern hills and the sea ; and it is no easy matter to decide, whether the hills, which appear thirty, forty, or fifty miles distance, with their tops in the sky, seem more awful and venerable, or the delicious vale between you and them more inviting. About noon on a serene day, you may, at thirty miles distance, sec the water of the sea, through a chasm of the mountain, (that is of the South Downs, called Becting Gap), and that above all, which makes it a noble and wonderful prospect is, that, at the very time when, at thirty miles distance, you behold the very water of the sea, at the same time you behold to the southward the most delicious OF DORKING. 35 rural prospect in the world. At the same time, by a little turn of your head towards the north, you look full over Box Hill, and see the country beyond it between that and London ; and, over the very stomachers of it, see St. Paul's, at twenty-five miles distance, and London beneath it, and Hamp- stead and Highgate beyond it." The tower on the hill was built in 1766 by a certain Richard Hull, a gentleman of property who resided at Leith Hill Place. It was in very different condition formerly from that in which the visitor now beholds it, and contained two rooms, well furnished and fitted up for the accommodation of tourists. Hull died in his 83rd year, and was, by his own request, buried beneath the tower. In the earlier part of his life, he had been intimate with Bishop Berkeley and with Poi^e. " In the summer of 1844," says Mr. Brayley, " the summit of the hill became, for several weeks, a station for a party of sappers and miners, who were employed to ascertain the correctness of the admeasurements made for the General Survey of the Kingdom, under the orders of the Board of Ordnance. On St. Swithin's day (July 15th) in that year, the air was so remarkably clear, that an observatory, only nine feet square, near Ashford, in Kent, was seen with the naked eye ; and a stafi" about four inches in diameter, on Dunstable Downs, was discernible with a small telescope. The spires of forty-one churches in London were also visible, as well as the scaffolding around the new Houses of Parliament at Westminster." d2 86 A. HAND- HOOK There are a few houses in the neighbourhood of the hill which demand the attention of the tourist. Tanhurst, which is situated upon the southern de- clivity, a mansion now in the possession of Justice Vaughan Williams, was once occupied by Sir Samuel Romilly, — a truly great statesman, who was wont, in the few intervals of leisure which his arduous career afforded, to escape to this delicious retreat. In the narrative of his life, he frequently mentions it with affection, as though his domestic happiness was increased by the beauty of the spot where he enjoyed it. " For we are touched by outward influence, And deeply stirred by that which round us moves. The things of sense Awake the soul to purer, holier loves." Between Tanhurst and Leith Hill is situated Wotton Camp Hill, which was formerly an encamp- ment. The house which marks the site is the residence of Mrs. Eveh*n. Leith Hill Place is now the residence of J. Wedgwood, Esq. Broomhall is in the possession of J. Labouchcrc, Esq., whose name as the founder of St. Paul's Church, has already been mentioned by us, and " the grounds which are extensive and park- like, contain some fine timber, and include many views of a picturesque and diversified character." Leith Vale, the seat of Leighton Hadley, Esq., is another charmingly-situated house, small in appearance, but commanding glorious prospects in every direction. There are many other residences within ken. but our spare will not allow us to OF DORKING. 37 mention them, nor indeed is it necessary to catalogue names which would prove of no significance to the passing traveller. When the tourist has refreshed his body and mind with a lounge on the short, heathery grass, enjoying the glorious prospect, he had better descend the other side of the hill by a gentle declination into the road which leads through Abinger Common.* It is one of the most delightful roads imaginable. The view of a noble range of hills on the left, and of distant landscape beyond, is soon obstructed by the shade of a fir forest, and amidst its breaks and glades, lie a few rustic cottages in peaceful seclusion, in one of which, during the summer months, an artist, whose name has become almost like a household word, takes up his abode. " The Woodland Mirror" and the " Forest Portal" were conceived by Mr. Redgrave in this delicious retreat, and some of the beech trees of the neighbourhood are now immortalized on his canvas. Here the tourist will willingly linger, and if he be of an imaginative turn, a thousand pleasant fancies will flit before him. Why should he not dream awhile ? Is he not in Arcadia ? and does it require a great stretch of imagination to people these shades with forms of loveliness and beauty r If the creations of his own brain are not forthcoming he will think, at any rate, of " the heavenly Una and her milk-white lamb," and of those " eyes • This Common is frequented by the Blackcock, the W^oodcock, and the Snipe. It is a favourite hauut of Entomologists, who often succeed in capturing very rare insects during tlie summer months. 38 A HAND-BOOK which made a sunshine in a shady place," or he will see Jaques in gloomy contemplation under the shade of melancholy boughs, or Robin Hood and Little John, and Friar Tuck, and all their merry company, or better still — better than all of them, save Una — the fascinating Rosalind, fascinating even in her man's apparel, in her doublet and hose, living with Celia " here in the skirts of the forest like fringe upon a petticoat." Enjoy awhile, O dear friend and companion, these woodland musings ; forget, if thou canst, the many briars which obstruct thy path in this work-a- day world ; let the gentle influences of nature fall refreshingly on thy spirit ; let the sweet voices heard only by those who hold loving communion with her, speak to thee of tranquillity and joy. And in order to suggest pleasant and appropriate thoughts, read the following passage — to thyself if thou art alone, or to the loved one who has shared with thee the pleasures of tlic way, and heightened every enjoyment by her sympathy and presence. " I resolved to-day to go out into the neighbouring pine-wood alone, to con over son\e notes which I am anxious to read by myself with only an occasional remark from a wood-pigeon, or what may be gained from the gliding, rustling squirrel. There is scaixely anything in nature to be compared with a pine-wood, I think. I remember once, when after a long journey, I was approaching a city ennobled by great works of art, and of great renow^n, that I had to pass through what I was told by the guide-books, was most insipid country, OF DORKING. 39 only to be hurried over as fast as might be, and nothing to be thought or said about it. But the guide-books, though very clever and useful things in their way,*" do not know each of us personally, nor what we secretly like and care for. Well, I was speeding through this ' uninteresting' country, and now there remained but one long, dull stage, as I read, to be gone through, before I should reach the much-wished-for city. It was necessary to stay some time (for we travelled vetturino-fashion) at the little post-house, and I walked on, promising to be in the way whenever the vehicle should overtake me. The road led through a wood, chiefly of pines, varied, however, occasionally by other trees. " Into this wood I strayed. There was that almost indescribably soothing noise, (the Romans would have used the word susurrus), the aggregate of many gentle movements of gentle creatures. The birds hopped but a few paces off, as I ap- proached them ; the brilliant butterflies wavered hither and thither before me ; there was a soft breeze that day, and the tops of the tall trees swayed to and fro politely to each other. I found many delightful resting-places. " It was not all dense wood ; but here and there were glades, (such open spots, I mean, as would be cut through by the sword for an army to pass, for • Of course, they are "very clever and useful," but we fear, Mr Helps, you are slightly satirical, and are enjoying a quiet laugh at the expense of