n 
 
 "f APPY ne 
 I WHO IN HIS none AT MIGHT 
 
 r FINDS IN HIS BOOKS DeUGHT, 
 
 > 
 
 j AND sweer socieTY; 
 L ; WHILST ne WHO sees MO 
 
 PROFIT IN THeiR USe 
 I WILL Live A FOOb, AMD 
 5 Die AS GReAT A GOOSC'V 
 
 THC KMOWLS RYCRSOWS 
 
University of California Berkeley 
 
 Gift of 
 
 Dean and Mrs. Knowles Ryerson 
 
THE 
 
 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE, 
 
 AND 
 
 MANUAL OF POLITENESS; 
 
 BEING 
 
 A COMPLETE GUIDE FOR A GENTLEMAN'S CONDUCT IN AH 
 HIS RELA m IONS TOWARDS SOCIETY. 
 
 RULES FOR THE ETIQUETTE TO BE OBSERVED IN THE 8TBEET, At 
 TABLE, IN THE BALL ROOM, EVENING PARTY, AND MORN- 
 ING CALL; WITH FULL DIRECTIONS FOR POLITE COR- 
 RESPONDENCE, DRESS, CONVERSATION, MANLT 
 EXERCISES, AND ACCOMPLISHMENT*. 
 
 FROM THE BEST FRENCH ENGLISH. AND AMERICAN AUTHORITIES, 
 
 BT 
 
 CECIL B. HARTLEY. 
 
 BOSTON: 
 
 J. S. LOCKE & COMPANY. 
 1875. 
 
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1873, 
 
 BY J S. LOCKE & CO., 
 In the Office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington* 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 MAN was not intended to live like a bear or a hermit, apart 
 from others of his own nature, and, philosophy and reason will 
 each agree with me, that man was born for sociability and finds 
 his true delight in society. Society is a word capable of many 
 meanings, and used here in each and all of them. Society, 
 par excellence; the world at large; the little clique to which he 
 is bound by early ties ; the companionship of friends or relatives ; 
 even society tete a fete with one dear sympathizing soul, are 
 pleasant states for a man to be in. 
 
 Taking the word in its most extended view, it is the world ; 
 but in the light we wish to impress in our book it is the smaller 
 wcrld of the changing, pleasant intercourse of each city or town 
 in which our reader may chance to abide. 
 
 This society, composed, as it is, of many varying natures 
 and elements, where each individual must submit to merge hia 
 own identity into the universal whole, which makes the word 
 and state, is divided and subdivided into various cliques, and 
 has a pastime for every disposition, grave or gay ; and with each 
 
 division rises up a ne^ set <if forms and ceremonies to be ob 
 
 3 
 
4 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 served if you wish to glide down the current of polite life 
 smoothly and pleasantly. 
 
 The young man who makes his first entrance into the world 
 of society, should know how to choose his friends, and next 
 how to conduct himself towards them. Experience is, of 
 course, the best guide, but at first starting this must come sec- 
 ond hand, from an older friend, or from books. 
 
 A judicious friend is the best guide ; but how is the young 
 man to know whom to choose ? When at home this friend is 
 easily selected; but in this country, where each bird leaves the 
 parent nest as soon as his wings will bear him safely up, there 
 are but few who stay amongst the friends at home. 
 
 Next then comes the instruction from books. 
 
 True a book will not fully supply the place either of experi- 
 ence or friendly advice, still it may be made useful, and, care- 
 fully written from the experience of heads grown gray in 
 society, with only well authenticated rules, it will be a guide 
 not to be despised by the young aspirant for favor in polite and 
 refined circles. 
 
 You go into society from mixed motives ; partly for pleasure, 
 recreation after the fatigues of your daily duties, and partly 
 that you may become known. In a republican country where 
 one man's opportunities for rising are as good as those of an- 
 other, ambition will lead every rising man into society. 
 
 You may set it down as a rule, that as you treat the world, 
 BO the world will treat you. Carry into the circles of society 
 a refined, polished manner, and an amiable desire to please, 
 and it will meet you with smiling grace, and lead you forward 
 pleasantly along the flowery paths ; go, on the contrary, with a 
 brusque, rude manner, startling all the silky softness before you 
 
INTRODUCTION. 5 
 
 With cut and thrust remarks, carrying only the hard realities 
 of life in your hand, and you will find society armed to meet 
 you, showing only sharp corners and thorny places for your 
 blundering footsteps to stumble against. 
 
 You will find in every circle that etiquette holds some sway ; 
 her rule is despotic in some places, in others mild, and easily 
 got aside. Your first lesson in society will be to study where 
 she reigns supreme, in her crown and holding her sceptre, and 
 where she only glides in with a gentle hint or so, and timidly 
 steps out if rebuked ; and let your conduct be governed by the 
 result of your observations. You will soon become familiar 
 with the signs, and tell on your first entrance into a room 
 whether kid gloves and exquisite finish of manner will be ap- 
 propriate, or whether it is " hail, fellow, well met" with the 
 inmates. Remember, however, "once a gentleman always a 
 gentleman," and be sure that you can so carry out the rule, 
 that in your most careless, joyous moments, when freest from 
 the restraints of etiquette, you can still be recognizable as a 
 gentleman by every act, word, or look. 
 
 Avoid too great a restraint of manner. Stiffness is not po- 
 liteness, and, while you observe every rule, you may appear to 
 heed none. To make your politeness part of yourself, insepar- 
 able from every action, is the height of gentlemanly elegance 
 and finish of manner. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 MH 
 
 I 
 
 CHAPTER L 
 
 COXVERSATIOIT.... ........*. ........ ....*....(<. 11 
 
 CHAPTER IIL 
 TABLE ETIQTTZTTK., 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 EnQirxm FOB CALLING. 
 
 CHAPTER IL 
 .... ...... ......... ......... * ............. 31 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
8 CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER VL 
 
 MM 
 
 ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOK ..... i ............................................ 91 
 
 X" 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 DRESS .......................... .......................................................... Hi 
 
 CHAPTER VIIL 
 MANLY EXERCISES ............ .. ..................................................... . 154 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 TRAVELING... ......... . ...... . .............................. ..... ...... .................. 178 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 ETIQUETTE IN CHURCH .............................. ..... ...................... .. .. 189 
 
 CHAPTER XL 
 ONE HUNDRED HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT ..................... 184 
 
 CHAPTER XIL 
 PASTIES .................................................................................. 222 
 
 CHAPTER XIIL 
 COURTESY AT HOME............................................... **.. .......... 228 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 TRUE COURTE^T. ................... ........ ........ .......... . ..... .................... 244 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
CONTENTS. 9 
 
 CHAPTER XVL 
 
 MM 
 ETIQUETTE ................................................................ 280 
 
 CHAPTER XVIL 
 ETIQUETTE FOR PLACES OF AMUSEMENT ........ .. ........... .............. ....... 294 
 
 CHAPTER XVIIL 
 
 .................... ....... ............ ........ .....,,,. Iff 
 
GENTLEMEN'S BOOK QIL^TIQUETTE 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 CONVERSATION. 
 
 ONE of the first rules for a guide in polite conversa- 
 tion, is to avoid political or religious discussions in 
 general society. Such discussions lead almost invariably 
 to irritating differences of opinion, often to open quar- 
 rels, and a coolness of feeling which might have been 
 avoided by dropping the distasteful subject as soon as 
 marked differences of opinion arose. It is but one out 
 of many that can discuss either political or religious dif- 
 ferences, with candor and judgment, and yet so far 
 control his language and temper as to avoid either giving 
 or taking offence. 
 
 In their place, in circles which have met for such dis- 
 cussions, in a tete d tete conversation, in a small party 
 of gentlemen where each is ready courteously to listen 
 to the others, politics may be discussed with perfect pro- 
 priety, but in the drawing-room, at the dinner-table, or 
 in the society of ladies, these topics are best avoided. 
 
 If you are drawn into such a discussion without in- 
 tending to be so, be careful that your individual opinion 
 
 11 
 
12 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 does not lead you into language and actions unbecoming 
 a gentleman. Listen courteously to those whose opin- 
 ions do not agree with yours, and keep your temper. A 
 man in a passion ceases to be a gentleman. 
 
 Even if convinced that your opponent is utterly wrong, 
 yield gracefully, decline further discussion, or dextrously 
 turn the conversation, but do not obstinately defend 
 your own opinion until you become angry, or more ex- 
 cited than is becoming to a gentleman. 
 
 Many there are who, giving their opinion, not as an 
 opinion but as a law, will defend their position by such 
 phrases, as : " Well, if I were president, or governor, 1 
 would," &c. and while by the warmth of their argu- 
 ment they prove that they are utterly unable to govern 
 their own temper, they will endeavor to persuade you 
 that they are perfectly competent to take charge of tho 
 government of the nation. 
 
 Retain, if you will, a fixed political opinion, yet do 
 not parade it upon all occasions, and, above all, do not 
 endeavor to force others to agree with you. Listen 
 calmly to their ideas upon the same subjects, and if you 
 cannot agree, differ politely, and while your opponent 
 may set you down as a bad politician, let him be obliged 
 to admit that you are a gentleman. 
 
 Wit and vivacity are two highly important ingredients 
 in the conversation of a man in polite society, yet a 
 straining for effect, or forced wit, is in excessively bad 
 taste. There is no one more insupportable in society 
 than the everlasting talkers who scatter puns, witticisms, 
 and jokes with so profuse a hand that they become as 
 tiresome as a comic newspaper, and whose loud laugh at 
 
CONVERSATION. 13 
 
 their own wit drowns other voices which might speak 
 matter more interesting. The really witty man does 
 not shower forth his wit so indiscriminately ; his charm 
 consists in wielding his powerful weapon delicately and 
 easily, and making each highly polished witticism come 
 in the right place and moment to be effectual. While 
 real wit is a most delightful gift, and its use a most 
 charming accomplishment, it is, like many other bright 
 weapons, dangerous to use too often. You may wound 
 where you meant only to amuse, and remarks which you 
 mean only in for general applications, may be construed 
 into personal affronts, so, if you have the gift, use it 
 wisely, and not too freely. 
 
 The most important requisite for a good conversational 
 power is education, and, by this is meant, not merely the 
 matter you may store in your memory from observation 
 or books, though this is of vast importance, but it also 
 includes the developing of the mental powers, and, above 
 all, the comprehension. An English writer says, "A 
 man should be able, in order to enter into conversation, 
 to catch rapidly the meaning of anything that is ad- 
 vanced; for instance, though you know nothing of sci- 
 ence, you should not be obliged to stare and be silent, 
 when a man who does understand it is explaining a new 
 discovery or a new theory ; though you have not read a 
 word of Blackstone, your comprehensive powers should 
 be sufficiently acute to enable you to take in the state- 
 ment that may be made of a recent cause ; though you 
 may not have read some particular book, you should be 
 capable of appreciating the criticism which you hear of 
 it Without such power simple enough, and easily at- 
 
14 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 tained by attention and practice, yet too seldom met 
 wi^h in general society a conversation which departs 
 from the most ordinary topics cannot be maintained 
 without the risk of lapsing into a lecture; with such 
 power, society becomes instructive as well as amusing, 
 and you have no remorse at an evening's end at having 
 wasted three or four hours in profitless banter, or sim- 
 pering platitudes. This facility of comprehension often 
 startles us in some women, whose education we know to 
 have been poor, and whose reading is limited. If thej 
 did not rapidly receive your ideas, they could not, there- 
 fore, be fit companions for intellectual men, and it is, 
 perhaps, their consciousness of a deficiency which leads 
 them to pay the more attention to what you say. It is 
 this which makes married women so much more agreeable 
 to men of thought than young ladies, as a rule, can be, 
 for they are accustomed to the society of a husband, ami 
 the effort to be a companion to his mind has engrafted 
 the habit of attention and ready reply." 
 
 The same author says : " No less important is the 
 cultivation of taste. If it is tiresome and deadening to 
 be with people who cannot understand, and will not even 
 appear to be interested in your better thoughts, it is 
 almost repulsive to find a man insensible to all beauty, 
 and immovable by any horror. 
 
 "In the present day an acquaintance with art, even 
 if you have no love for it, is a sine qud non of good 
 society. Music and painting are subjects which will be 
 discussed in every direction around you. It is only in 
 bad society that people go to the opera, concerts, and 
 art-exhibitions merely because it is the fashion, or to say 
 
CONVERSATION. 15 
 
 they havo been there ; and if you confessed to such & 
 weakness in really good society, you would be justly 
 voted a puppy. For this, too, some book knowledge ia 
 indispensable. You should at least know the names of 
 the more celebrated artists, composers, architects, sculp- 
 tors, and so forth, and should be able to approximate 
 their several schools. 
 
 " So too, you should know pretty accurately the pro- 
 nunciation of celebrated names, or, if not, take caro 
 not to use them. It will never do to be ignorant of the 
 names and approximate ages of great composers, espe- 
 cially in large cities, where music is so highly appreciated 
 and so common a theme. It will be decidedly con- 
 demnatory if you talk of the new opera ' Don Giovanni,' 
 or Rossini's * Trovatore,' or are ignorant who composed 
 ' Fidelio,' and in what opera occur such common pieces 
 as l Ciascun lo dice? or ' II segreto.' I do not say that 
 these trifles are indispensable, and when a man has 
 better knowledge to offer, especially with genius or 
 ' cleverness' to back it, he will not only be pardoned for 
 an ignorance of them, but can even take a high tone, 
 and profess indifference or contempt of them. But, at 
 the same time, such ignorance stamps an ordinary man, 
 and hinders conversation. On the other hand the best 
 society will not endure dilettantism, and, whatever the 
 knowledge a man may possess of any art, he must not 
 display it so as to make the ignorance of others painful 
 to them. But this applies to every topic. To have only 
 one or two subjects to converse on, and to discourse 
 rather than talk on them, is always ill-bred, whether the 
 theme be literature or horseflesh. The gentleman jockey 
 
16 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 will probably denounce the former as a 'bore,' and call 
 us pedants for dwelling on it ; but if, as is too often tho 
 case, he can give us nothing more general than the dis- 
 cussion of the * points' of a horse that, perhaps, we 
 have never seen, he is as great a pedant in his way. 
 
 " Reason plays a less conspicuous part in good society 
 because its frequenters are too reasonable to be mere 
 reasoners. A disputation is always dangerous to temper, 
 and tedious to those who cannot feel as eager as the dis 
 putants ; a discussion, on the other hand, in which 
 every body has a chance of stating amicably and unob- 
 trusively his or her opinion, must be of frequent occur- 
 rence. But to cultivate the reason, besides its high 
 moral value, has the advantage of enabling one to reply 
 as well as attend to the ppinions of Others. Nothing ia 
 more tedious or disheartening than a perpetual, i Yes, 
 just so,' and nothing more. Conversation must never 
 be one-sided. Then, again, the reason enables us to 
 support a fancy or an opinion, when we are asked why 
 we think so. To reply, * I don't know, but still I think 
 so,' is silly and tedious. 
 
 " But there is a part of our education so important 
 and so neglected in our schools and colleges, that it can- 
 not be too highly impressed on the young man who pro- 
 poses to enter society. I mean that which we learn first 
 of all things, yet often have not learned fully when deaih 
 eases us of the necessity the art of speaking our own 
 language. What can Greek, and Latin, French and 
 German be for us in our every-day life, if we have not 
 acquired this? We are often encouraged to raise a 
 laugh at Doctor Syntax and the tyranny of Grammar, 
 
CONVERSATION. 17 
 
 but we may be certain that more misunderstandings, 
 and, therefore, more difficulties arise between men in the 
 commonest intercourse from a want of grammatical pre- 
 cision than from any other cause. It was once the 
 fashion to neglect grammar, as it now is with certain 
 people to write illegibly, and, in the days of Goethe, a 
 man thought himself a genius if he could spell badly. 
 
 "Precision and accuracy must begin in the very out- 
 Bet ; and if we neglect them in grammar, we shall 
 scarcely acquire them in expressing our thoughts. But 
 since there is no society without interchange of thought, 
 and since the best society is that in which the best 
 thoughts are interchanged in the best and most compre- 
 hensible manner, it follows that a proper mode of ex- 
 pressing ourselves is indispensable in good society. 
 
 " The art of expressing one's thoughts neatly and 
 suitably is one which, in the neglect of rhetoric as a 
 study, we must practice for ourselves. The commonest 
 thought well put is more useful in a social point of view, 
 than the most brilliant idea jumbled out. What is well 
 expressed is easily seized, and therefore readily responded 
 to ; the most poetic fancy may be lost to the hearer, if 
 the language which conveys it is obscure. Speech is the 
 gift which distinguishes man from animals, and makes 
 society possible. He has but a poor appreciation of his 
 high privilege as a human being, who neglects to culti- 
 vate, ' God's great gift of speech/ 
 
 "As I am not writing for men of genius, but for 
 ordinary beings, I am right *to state that an indispensable 
 part of education is a knowledge of the literature 
 of the English language. But how to read, is, for 
 
18 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 society more important than what we read. The 
 man who takes up nothing but a newspaper, but reads 
 it to think, to deduct conclusions from its premises, and 
 form a judgment on its opinions, is more fitted for society 
 than he, who having all the current literature and devot- 
 ing his whole time to its perusal, swallows it all without 
 digestion. In fact, the mind must be treated like tho 
 body, and however great its appetite, it will soon fall 
 into bad health if it gorges, but does not ruminate. At 
 the same time an acquaintance with the best current 
 literature is necessary to modern society, and it is not 
 sufficient to have read a book without being able to pass 
 a judgment upon it. Conversation on literature is im- 
 possible, when your respondent can only say, ' Yes, I 
 like the book, but I really don't know why.' 
 
 u An acquaintance with old English literature is not 
 perhaps indispensable, but it gives a man great advan- 
 tage in all kinds of society, and in some he is at a con- 
 stant loss without it. The same may be said of foreign 
 literature, which in the present day is almost as much 
 discussed as our own ; but, on the other hand, an ac- 
 quaintance with home and foreign politics, with current 
 history, and subjects of passing interest, is absolutely 
 necessary ; and a person of sufficient intelligence to join 
 in good society, cannot dispense with his daily news- 
 paper, his literary journal, and the principal reviews 
 and magazines. The cheapness of every kind of litera- 
 ture, the facilities of our well e ra 4 circulating libraries, 
 our public reading rooms, and numerous excellent lec- 
 tures on every possible subject, leave, no excuse to poor 
 or rich for an ignorance of any of the topics discussed in 
 
CONVERSATION. 19 
 
 intellectual society. You may forget your Latin, Greek, 
 French, German, and Mathematics, but if you frequent 
 good company, you "will never be allowed to forget that 
 you arc a citizen of the world.'* 
 
 A man of real intelligence and cultivated mind, ij 
 generally modest. He may feel when in every day 
 society, that in intellectual acquirements he is above 
 those around him; but he will not seek to make his com- 
 panions feel their inferiority, nor try to display this 
 advantage over them. He will discuss with frank sim- 
 plicity the topics started by others, and endeavor to 
 avoid starting such as they will not feel inclined to dis- 
 cuss. All that he says will be marked by politenesa 
 and deference to the feelings and opinions of others. 
 
 La Bruyere says, " The great charm of conversation 
 consists less in the display of one's own wit and intelli- 
 gence, than in the power to draw forth the resources of 
 others; he who leaves you after a long conversation, 
 pleased with himself and the part he has taken in the 
 discourse, will be your warmest admirer. Men do not 
 care to admire you, they wish you to be pleased with 
 them ; they do not seek for instruction or even amuse- 
 ment from your discourse, but they do wish you to be 
 made acquainted with their talents and powers of con- 
 versation ; and the true man of genius will delicately 
 make all who come in contact with him, feel the exquis- 
 ite satisfaction of knowing that they have appeared to 
 advantage." 
 
 Having admitted the above to be an incontestable fact, 
 you will also see that it is as great an accomplishment 
 
20 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 to listen with an air of interest and attention, as it is to 
 speak well. 
 
 To be a good listener is as indispensable as to be a 
 good talker, and it is in the character of listener that 
 you can most readily detect the man who is accustomed 
 to good society. Nothing is more embarrassing to any 
 one who is speaking, than to perceive signs of weariness 
 or inattention in the person whom he addresses. 
 
 Never interrupt any one who is speaking ; it is quite 
 as rude to officiously supply a name or date about which 
 another hesitates, unless you are asked to do so. Ano- 
 ther gross breach of etiquette, is to anticipate the point 
 of a story which another person is reciting, or to take it 
 from his lips to finish it in your own language. Some 
 persons plead as an excuse for this breach of etiquette, 
 that the reciter was spoiling a good story by a bad man- 
 ner, but this does not mend the matter. It is surely 
 rude to give a man to understand that you do not con- 
 sider him capable of finishing an anecdote that he has 
 commenced. 
 
 It is ill-bred to put on an air of weariness during a 
 long speech from another person, and quite as rude to 
 look at a watch, read a letter, flirt the leaves of a book, 
 or in any other action show that you are tired of the 
 speaker or his subject. 
 
 In a general conversation, never speak when another 
 person is speaking, and never try by raising your own 
 voice to drown that of another. Never assume an air 
 of haughtiness, or speak in a dictatorial manner ; let 
 your conversation be always amiable and frank, free 
 from every affectation. 
 
CONVERSATION. 21 
 
 Put yourself on the same level as the person to whom 
 you speak, and under penalty of being considered a 
 pedantic idiot, refraining from explaining any expression 
 or word that you may use. 
 
 Never, unless you are requested to do so, speak of 
 your own business or profession in society ; to confine 
 your conversation entirely to the subject or pursuit which 
 is your own speciality is low-bred and vulgar. 
 
 Make the subject for conversation suit the company 
 in which you are placed. Joyous, light conversation 
 will be at timers as much out of place, as a sermon would 
 be at a dancing party. Let your conversation be grave 
 w gay as suits the time or place. 
 
 In a dispute, if you cannot reconcile the parties, with- 
 draw from them. You will surely make one enemy, 
 perhaps two, by taking either side, in an argument when 
 the speakers have lost their temper. 
 
 Never gesticulate in every day conversation, unless 
 you wish to be mistaken for a fifth rate comedian. 
 
 Never ask any one who is conversing with you to re- 
 peat his words. Nothing is ruder than to say, " Pardon 
 me, will you repeat that sentence I did not hear you 
 at first," and thus imply that your attention was wander- 
 ing when he first spoke. 
 
 Never, during a general conversation, endeavor to 
 concentrate the attention wholly upon yourself. It is 
 quite as rude to enter into conversation with one of a 
 group, and endeavor to draw him out of the circle tf 
 general conversation to talk with you alone. 
 
 Never listen to the conversation of two persons who 
 have thus withdrawn from a group. If they ar so near 
 
22 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK or ETIQUETTE. 
 
 you that you cannot avoid hearing them, you maj, iritli 
 perfect propriety, change your seat. 
 
 Make your own share in conversation as modest and 
 brief as is consistent with the subject under considera- 
 tion, and avoid long speeches and tedious stories. If, 
 however, another, particularly an old man, tells a long 
 Btory, or one that is not new to you, listen respectfully 
 until he has finished, before you speak again. 
 
 Speak of yourself but little. Your friends will find 
 out your virtues without forcing you to tell them, and 
 you may feel confident that it is equally unnecessary to 
 expose your faults yourself. 
 
 If you submit to flattery, you must also submit to the 
 imputation of folly and self-conceit. 
 
 In speaking of your friends, do not compare them, 
 one with another. Speak of the merits of each one, but 
 do not try to heighten the virtues of one by contrasting 
 them with the vices of another. 
 
 No matter how absurd are the anecdotes that may be 
 told in your presence, you must never give any sign of 
 incredulity. They may be true ; and even if false, good 
 breeding forces you to hear them with polite attention, 
 and the appearance of belief. To show by word or sigD 
 any token of incredulity, is to give the lie to the narra- 
 tor, and that is an unpardonable insult. 
 
 Avoid, in conversation all subjects which can injure 
 the absent'. A gentleman will never calumniate 01 
 listen to calumny. 
 
 Need I say that no gentleman will ever soil his mouth 
 with an oath. Above all, to swear in a drawing-room 
 or before ladies is not only indelicate and vulgar in th* 
 
CONVERSATION. 23 
 
 extreme, but evinces a shocking ignorance of the ruleR 
 of polite oooiety and good breeding. 
 
 For a long time the world has adopted a certain form 
 of speech which is used in good society, and whicU 
 changing often, is yet one of the distinctive marks of a 
 gentleman. A word or even a phrase .which nas beon 
 used among the most refined circles, will, sometimes, by 
 a sudden freak of fashion, from being caricatured in a 
 farce or song, or from some other cause, go entirely out 
 of use. Nothing but habitual intercourse with people 
 of refinement and education, and mingling in general 
 society, will teach a gentleman what words to use and 
 what to avoid. Yet there are some words which are now 
 entirely out of place in a parlor. 
 
 Avoid a declamatory style ; some men, before speak- 
 ing, will wave their hands as if commanding silence, and, 
 having succeeded in obtaining the attention of the com- 
 pany, will speak in a tone, and style, perfectly suitable 
 for the theatre or lecture room, but entirely out of place 
 in a parlor. Such men entirely defeat the object of 
 society, for they resent interruption, and, as their talk 
 flows in a constant stream, no one else can speak without 
 interrupting the pompous idiot who thus endeavors to 
 engross the entire attention of the circle around him. 
 
 This character will be met with constantly, and gener- 
 ally joins to the other disagreeable traits an egotism as 
 tiresome as it is ill-bred. 
 
 The wittiest man becomes tedious and ill-bred when 
 he endeavors to engross entirely the attention of the 
 Company iu which he should take a more modest part. 
 
 A^oid set phrases, and use quotations but raiely 
 
24 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 They sometimes make a very piquant addition to con, 
 versation, but when they become a constant habit, they 
 are exceedingly tedious, and in bad taste. 
 
 Avoid pedantry ; it is a mark, not of intelligence, but 
 stupidity. 
 
 Speak your own language correctly ; at the same time 
 Jo not be too great a stickler for formal correctness of 
 phrases. 
 
 Never notice it if others make mistakes in language. 
 To notice by word or look such errors in those around 
 you, is excessively ill-bred. 
 
 Vulgar language and slang, though in common, un- 
 fortunately too common use, are unbecoming in any 
 one who pretends to be a gentleman. Many of the 
 words heard now in the parlor and drawing-room, derive 
 their origin from sources which a gentleman would 
 hesitate to mention before ladies, yet he will make daily 
 use of the offensive word or phrase. 
 
 If you are a professional or scientific man, avoid the 
 use of technical terms. They are in bad taste, because 
 many will not understand them. If, however, you un- 
 consciously use such a term or phrase, do not then com- 
 mit the still greater error of explaining its meaning. 
 No one will thank you for thus implying their ignorance. 
 
 In conversing with a foreigner who speaks imperfect 
 English, listen with strict attention, yet do not supply a 
 word, or phrase, if he hesitates. Above all, do not by a 
 word or gesture show impatience if he makes pauses or 
 blunders. If you understand his language, say so when 
 you first speak to him ; this is not making a display of 
 vour own knowledge, but is a kindness, as a foreigner 
 
CONVERSATION. 25 
 
 will be pleased to hear and speak his own language wLen 
 .a a strange country. 
 
 Be careful in society never to play the part of buffoon, 
 for you will soon become known as the "funny" man of the 
 party, and no character is so perilous to your dignity as 
 a gentleman. You lay yourself open to both censure 
 and ridicule, and you may feel sure that, for every person 
 n!io laughs with you, two are laughing at you, and for 
 oi_9 who admires you, two will watch your antics with 
 secret contempt. 
 
 Avoid boasting. To speak of your money, connec- 
 tions, or the luxuries at your command is in very bad 
 taste. It is quite as ill-bred to boast of your intimacy 
 with distinguished people. If their names occur natur- 
 ally in the course of conversation, it is very well ; but to 
 
 be constantly quoting, "my friend, Gov. C ," or 
 
 "my intimate friend, the president," is pompous and in 
 bad taste. 
 
 While refusing the part of jester yourself, do not, by 
 stiff manners, or cold, contemptuous looks, endeavor to 
 check the innocent mirth of others. It is in excessively 
 bad taste to drag in a grave subject of conversation 
 when pleasant, bantering talk is going on around you. 
 Join in pleasantly and forget your graver thoughts for 
 tho time, anl you will win more popularity than if you 
 chill the merry circle or turn their innocent gaycfy to 
 grave discussions. 
 
 When thrown into the society of literary people, do 
 not question them about their works. To speak in 
 terms of admiration of any work to the author is in bad 
 taste ; but you may give pleasure, if, by a quotation from 
 
26 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 their writings, or a happy reference to them, you prove 
 that you have read and appreciated them. 
 
 It is extremely rude and pedantic, when engaged in 
 general conversation, to make quotations in a foreign 
 language. 
 
 To use phrases which admit of a double meaning, 1*3 
 ungentlemanly, and, if addressed to a lady, they become 
 positively insulting. 
 
 If you find you are becoming angry in a conversation, 
 either turn- to another subject or keep silence. You 
 may utter, in the heat of passion, words which you would 
 never use in a calmer moment, and which you would bit- 
 terly repent when they were once said. 
 
 " Never talk of ropes to a man whose father was 
 hanged" is a vulgar but popular proverb. Avoid care- 
 fully subjects which may be construed into personalities, 
 and keep a strict reserve upon family matters. Avoid, 
 if you can, seeing the skeleton in your friend's closet, 
 but if it is paraded for your special benefit, regard it aa 
 a sacred confidence, and never betray your knowledge to 
 a third party. 
 
 If you have traveled, although you will endeavor to 
 improve your mind in such travel, do not be constantly 
 speaking of your journeyings. Nothing is more tire- 
 some than a man who commences every phrase with, 
 w When I was in Paris," or, " In Italy I saw ." 
 
 When asking questions about persons who are not 
 known to you, in a drawing-room, avoid using adjectives; 
 or you may enquire of a mother, "Who is that awkward, 
 ugly gill?" and be answered, "Sir, that is my daugh- 
 ter." 
 
CONVERSATION. 27 
 
 Aroid gossip ; in a woman it is detestable, but in a man 
 it is utterly despicable. 
 
 Do not officiously offer assistance or advice in general 
 society. Nobody will thank you for it. 
 
 Ridicule and practical joking are both marks of a 
 vulgar mind and low breeding. 
 
 Avoid flattery. A delicate compliment is permistsiblo 
 in conversation, but flattery is broad, coarse, and to 
 sensible people, disgusting. If you flatter your superiors, 
 they will distrust you, thinking you have some selfish 
 end ; if you flatter ladies, they will despise you, thinking 
 you have no other conversation. 
 
 A lady of sense will feel more complimented if you 
 converse with her upon instructive, high subjects, than 
 if you address to her only the language of compliment. 
 In the latter case she will conclude that you consider 
 her incapable of discussing higher subjects, and you 
 cannot expect her to be pleased at being considered 
 merely a silly, vain person, who must be flattered into 
 good humor. 
 
 Avoid the evil of giving utterance to inflated expres- 
 sions and remarks in common conversation. 
 
 It is a somewhat ungrateful task to tell those who would 
 shrink from the imputation of a falsehood that they are 
 in the daily habit of uttering untruths ; and yet, if I 
 proceed, no other course than this can be taken by me. 
 It is of no use to adopt half measures ; plain speaking 
 eaves a deal of trouble. 
 
 The examples about to be given by me of exaggerated 
 expressions, are only a few of the many that are con- 
 stantly in use. Whether you can acquit yourselves of 
 
28 CJENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 the charge of occasionally using them, I cannot tell; 
 but I dare not affirm for myself that I am altogether 
 guiltless. 
 
 " I was caught in the wet last night, the rain came 
 down in torrents." Most of us have been out in heavy 
 rains ; but a torrent of water pouring down from the 
 skies would a little surprise us, after all. 
 
 " I am wet to the skin, and have not a dry thread 
 upon me." "Where these expressions are once used cor- 
 rectly, they are used twenty times in opposition to the 
 truth. 
 
 "I tried to overtake him, but in vain; for he ran 
 like lightning." The celebrated racehorse Eclipse is 
 said to have run a mile in a minute, but poor Eclipse is 
 left sadly behind by this expression. 
 
 " He kept me standing out in the cold so long, I 
 thought I should have waited for ever." There is not 
 a particle of probability that such a thought could have 
 been for one moment entertained. 
 
 " As I came across the common, the wind was as 
 keen as a razor." This is certainly a very keen remark, 
 but the worst of it is that its keenness far exceeds its 
 correctness. 
 
 " I went to the meeting, but had hard work to get in; 
 for the place was crowded to suffocation." In this case, 
 in justice to the veracity of the relater, it is necessary to 
 suppose that successful means had been used for his 
 recovery. 
 
 " It must have been a fine sight ; I would have given 
 the world to have seen it." Fond as most of us are of 
 light-seeing, this would be buying pleasure at a dear 
 
CONVERSATION. 2$ 
 
 price indeed ; but it is an easy thing to proffer to part 
 with that which we do not possess. 
 
 "It made me quite low spirited; my heart felt as 
 heavy as lead." "We most of us know what a heavy 
 heart is ; but lead is by no means the most correct meta- 
 phor to use in speaking of a heavy heart. 
 
 "I could hardly find' my way, for the night was as 
 dark as pitch." I am afraid we have all in our turn 
 calumniated the sky in this manner; pitch is many 
 shades darker than the darkest night we have ever 
 known. 
 
 " I have told him of that fault fifty times over." Five 
 times would, in all probability, be much nearer the fact 
 than fifty. 
 
 "I never closed my eyes all night long." If this be 
 true, you acted unwisely ; for had you closed your eyes, 
 you might, perhaps, have fallen asleep, and enjoyed the 
 blessing of refreshing slumber ; if it be not true, you 
 acted more unwisely still, by stating that as a fact which 
 is altogether untrue. 
 
 " He is as tall as a church-spire." I have met with 
 some tall fellows in my time, though the spire of a 
 church is somewhat taller than the tallest of them. 
 
 " You may buy a fish at the market as big as a jack- 
 ass, for five shillings." I certainly have my doubta 
 about this matter; but if it be really true, the market 
 people must be jackasses indeed to sell such large fiahea 
 for so little money. 
 
 " He was so fat he could hardly come in at the door." 
 Most likely the difficulty here alluded to was never felt 
 by nny one but the relater ; supposing it to be other- 
 
30 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OP ETIQUETTE. 
 
 wise, the man must have been very broad or the doo! 
 very narrow. 
 
 " You don't say so ! why, it was enough to kill him !" 
 The fact that it did not kill him is a sufficient reply to 
 this unfounded observation ; but no remark can be too 
 absurd for an unbridled tongue. 
 
 Thus might I run on for an hour, and after all leave 
 much unsaid on the subject of exaggerated expressions. 
 We are hearing continually the comparisons, " black as 
 soot, white as snow, hot as fire, cold as ice, sharp as a 
 needle, dull as a door-nail, light as a feather, heavy as 
 lead, stiff as a poker, and crooked as a crab-tree," in 
 cases where such expressions are quite out of order. 
 
 The practice of expressing ourselves in this inflated 
 and thoughtless way, is more mischievous than we are 
 aware of. It certainly leads us to sacrifice truth ; to 
 misrepresent what we mean faithfully to describe ; to 
 whiten our own characters, and sometimes to blacken 
 the reputation of a neighbor. There is an uprightness 
 in speech as well as in action, that we ought to strive 
 hard to attain. The purity of truth is sullied, and the 
 standard of integrity is lowered, by incorrect observa- 
 tions. Let us reflect upon this matter freely und faith- 
 fully. Let us love truth, follow truth, and practice 
 in our thoughts, our words, and our deeds. 
 
POLITENESS. 8] 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 POLITENESS. 
 
 politeness is the outward expression of tlie mua; 
 generouj impulses of the heart. It enforces unselfish- 
 ness, benevolence, kindness, and the golden rule, "7\ v 
 unto others as you would others should do unto yon." 
 Thus its first principle is love for the neighbor, loving 
 him as yourself. 
 
 When in society it would often be exceedingly difficult 
 to decide how to treat those who are personally disa- 
 greeable to us, if it were not for the rules of politeness, 
 and the little formalities and points of etiquette which 
 these rules enforce. These evidences of polite breeding 
 do not prove hypocrisy, as you may treat your most bit- 
 ter enemy with perfect courtesy, and yet make no pro- 
 testations of friendship. 
 
 If politeness is but a mask, as many philosophers tell 
 us, it is a mask which will win love and admiration, and 
 is better worn than cast aside. If you wear it with the 
 sincere desire to give pleasure to others, and make all 
 the little meetings of life pass off smoothly and agreea- 
 bly, it will soon cease to be a mask, but you will find 
 that the manner which you at first put on to give plea- 
 sure, has become natural to you, and wherever you have 
 
85 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF FTIQUETTB. 
 
 assumed a virtue to please others, you will find th* vir- 
 tue becoming habitual and finally natural, and part of 
 yourself. 
 
 Do not look upon the rules of etiquette as deceptions. 
 They are just as often vehicles for the expression of 
 sincere feeling, as they are the mask to conceal a want 
 of it. 
 
 v ou will in society meet with men who rail against 
 ^.'liteness, and call it deceit and hypocrisy. Watch 
 vi'3se men when they have an object to gain, or are de- 
 sirous of making a- favorable impression, and see them 
 iacitly, but unconsciously, admit the power of courtesy, 
 by dropping for the time, their uncouth ways, to affect 
 the politeness, they oftentimes do not feel. 
 
 Pass over the defects of others, be prudent, discreet, 
 at the proper time reserved, yet at other times frank, 
 and treat others with the same gentle courtesy you 
 would wish extended to yourself. 
 
 True politeness never embarrasses any one, because 
 its first object is to put all at their ease, while it leaves 
 to all perfect freedom of action. You must meet rude- 
 ness from others by perfect politeness and polish oi' 
 manner on your own part, and you will thus shame 
 those who have been uncivil to you. You will mow 
 readily make them blush by your courtesy, than if yovi 
 met their rudeness by ill manners on your own part. ' 
 
 While a favor may be doubled in value, by a frankly 
 courteous manner of granting it, a refusal will lose half 
 its bitterness if your manner shows polite regret at your 
 inability to oblige him who asks the favor at your hand. 
 
 Politeness may be extended to the lowest find mean- 
 
POLITENESS. 83 
 
 est, and you will never by thus extending it detract 
 from your own dignity. A gentleman may and will 
 treat his washerwoman . with respect and courtesy, and 
 his hoot-black with pleasant affability, yet preserve per- 
 fectly his own position. To really merit the namo of a 
 polite, finished gentleman, you must be polite at all times 
 and under aM circumstances. 
 
 There is a difference between politeness and etiquette. 
 Real politeness is in-born, and may exist in the savage, 
 while etiquette is the outward expression of politeness 
 reduced to the rules current in good society. 
 
 A man may be polite, really so in heart, yet show in 
 every movement an ignorance of the rules of etiquette, 
 and offend against the laws of society. You may find 
 him with his elbows upon the table, or tilting his chair 
 in a parlor. You may see him commit every hour gross 
 breaches of etiquette, yet you will never hear him inten- 
 tionally utter one word to wound another, you will see 
 that he habitually endeavors to make others comfortable, 
 choosing for them the easiest seats, or the daintiest 
 dishes, and putting self entirely aside to contribute to 
 the pleasure of all around him. Such a man will learn, 
 by contact with refined society, that his ignorance of the 
 rules which govern it, make him, at times, disagreeable, 
 and from the same unselfish motive which prompts him 
 to make a sacrifice of comfort for the sake of others, he 
 T&ill watch and learn quickly, almost by instinct, where he 
 offends against good breeding, drop one by one his errors 
 in etiquette, and become truly a gentleman. 
 
 On the other hand, you will meet constantly, in the 
 
 best society, men whose polish of manner is exquisite, 
 3 
 
34 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 who will perform to the minutest point the niceties of 
 good breeding, who never commit the least act that ia 
 forbidden by the strictest rules, of etiquette ; yet under 
 all this mask of chivalry, gallantry, and politeness will 
 carry a cold, selfish heart; will, with a sweet smile, 
 graceful bow*, and elegant language, wound deeply the 
 feelings of others, and while passing in society for mod- 
 els of courtesy and elegance of manner, be in feeling aa 
 cruel and barbarous as the veriest savage. 
 
 So I would say to you, Cultivate your heart. Cherish 
 there the Christian graces, love for the neighbor, un- 
 selfishness, charity, and gentleness, and you will be truly 
 a gentleman ; add to these the graceful forms of eti- 
 quette, and you then become , a perfect gentleman. 
 
 Etiquette exists in every corner of the known world, 
 from the savages in the wilds of Africa, who dare not, 
 upon penalty of death, approach their barbarous rulers 
 without certain forms and ceremonies, to the most refined 
 circles of Europe, where gentle chivalry and a cultivated 
 mind suggest its rules. It has existed in all ages, and 
 the stringency of its laws in some countries has given 
 rise to both ludicrous and tragic incidents. 
 
 In countries where royalty rules the etiquette, it often 
 happens that pride will blind those who make the rules, 
 and the results are often fatal. Believing that the same 
 deference which their rank authorized them to demand, 
 was also due to them as individuals, the result of such 
 an idea was an etiquette as vain and useless *s it was 
 absurd. 
 
 For an example I will give an anecdote : 
 
 " The kiigs of Spain, the proudest and vainest 3f all 
 
POLITENESS. 86 
 
 kings of the earth, made a rule of etiquette as stupid aa 
 it was useless. It was a fault punishable by death to 
 touch the foot of the queen, and the individual who thus 
 offended, no matter under what circumstances, was exe- 
 cuted immediately. 
 
 A young queen of Spain, wife of Charles the Second, 
 was riding on horseback in the midst of her attendants. 
 SadJenly the horse reared and threw the queen from the 
 saddle. Her foot remained in the stirrup, and she was 
 dragged along the ground. An immense crowd stood 
 looking at this spectacle, but no one dared, for his life, 
 to attempt to rescue the poor woman. She would have 
 died, had not two young French officers, ignorant of the 
 stupid law which paralyzed the Spaniards, sprung for- 
 ward and saved her. One stopped the horse, and whilst 
 he held the bridle, his companion disengaged from its 
 painful position the foot of the young queen, who was, 
 by this time, insensible from fear and the bruises which 
 she had already received. They were instantly arrested, 
 and while the queen was carried on a litter to the palace, 
 her young champions were marched off, accompanied by 
 a strong guard, to prison. The next day, sick and fee- 
 ble, the queen was obliged to leave her bed, and on her 
 knees before the king, plead for the pardon of the two 
 Frenchmen; and her prayer was only granted upon con- 
 dition that the audacious foreigners left Spain immedi- 
 ately. 
 
 There is no country in the world where the absurdities 
 of etiquette are carried to so great a length as in Spain, 
 because there is no nation where the nobility are so 
 
86 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 proud. The following anecdote, which illustrates thift, 
 would seem incredible were it not a historical fact: 
 
 " Philip the Third, king of Spain, was sick, and being 
 able to sit up, was carefully placed in an arm chair which 
 stood opposite to a large fire, when the wood was piled 
 up to an enormous height. The heat soon became in- 
 tolerable, and the courtiers retired from around the king; 
 but, as the Duke D'Ussede, the fire stirrer for the king, 
 was not present, and as no one else had the right to 
 touch the fire, those present dared not attempt to diminish 
 the heat. The grand chamberlain was also absent, and 
 he alone was authorized to touch the king's footstool. 
 The poor king, too ill to rise, in vain implored those 
 around him to move his chair, no one dared touch it, and 
 when the grand chamberlain arrived, the king had fainted 
 with the heat, and a few days later he died, literally 
 roasted to death." 
 
 At almost all times, and in almost all places, good 
 breeding maybe shown; and we think a good service 
 will be done by pointing out a few plain and simple in- 
 stances in which it stands opposed to habits and manners, 
 which, though improper and disagreeable, are & t "cry 
 uncommon. 
 
 In the familiar intercourse of society, a well-bred man 
 will be known by the delicacy and deference with which 
 he behaves towards females. 'That man would deservedly 
 be looked upon as very deficient in proper respect and 
 feeling, who should take any physical advantage of one 
 of the weaker sex, or, offer any personal slight towards 
 her. Woman looks, and properly looks, for protection 
 to man. If is the province of the husband to shield the 
 
POLITENESS 8T 
 
 rife from injury ; of the father to protect the daughter: 
 the brother has the same duty to perform towards thf 
 Bister; and, in general, every man should, in this sense f 
 be the champion and the lover of every woman. Not 
 only should he be ready to protect, but desirous to please, 
 and willing to sacrifice much of his own personal ease 
 and comfort, if, by doing so, he can increase those )f 
 any female in whose company he may find himself. Put- 
 ting these principles into practice, a well-bred man, in 
 his own house, will be kind and respectful in his be- 
 haviour to every female of the family. He will not use 
 towards them harsh language, even if called upon to ex- 
 press dissatisfaction with their conduct. In conversation, 
 he will abstain from every allusion which would put 
 modesty to the blush. He will, as much as in his power, 
 lighten their labors by cheerful and voluntary assistance. 
 He will yield to them every little advantage which may 
 occur in the regular routine of domestic life : the most 
 comfortable seat, if there be a difference ; the warmest 
 position by the winter's fireside ; the nicest slice from the 
 family joint, and so on. 
 
 In a public assembly of any kind, a well-bred man 
 jrill pay regard to the feelings and wishes of the females 
 fey whom he is surrounded. He will not secure the best 
 B^at for himself, and leave the women folk to take care 
 of themselves, He will not be seated at all, if the meet- 
 ing be crowded, and a single female appear unaccomo- 
 dated. 
 
 Good breeding will keep a person from making loud 
 in 1 startling noises, from pushing past another in entering 
 ;i going out of a room ; from ostentatiously using a pock- 
 
38 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK utf ETIQUETTE. 
 
 et-handkerchief ; from hawking and spitting in company; 
 from fidgeting any part of the body ; from scratching 
 the head, or picking the teeth with fork or with finger. 
 In short, it will direct all who study its rules to abstain 
 from every personal act which may give pain or offence 
 to another's feelings. At the same time, it will enable 
 them to bear much without taking offeree. It will teach 
 them when to speak and when to be silent, and how to 
 behuve with due respect to all. By attention to the 
 rules of good breeding, and more especially to its leading 
 principles, "the poorest man will be entitled to the char- 
 acter of a gentleman, and by inattention to them, the 
 most wealthy person will be essentially vulgar. Vul- 
 garity signifies coarseness or indelicacy of manner, and 
 is not necessarily associated with poverty or lowliness of 
 condition. Thus an operative artizan may be a gentle- 
 man, and worthy of our particular esteem ; while an 
 opulent merchant may be only a vulgar clown, with 
 whom it is impossible to be on terms of friendly inter- 
 course." 
 
 The following remarks upon the " Character of a Gen- 
 tleman" by Brooke are so admirable that I need make 
 no apology for quoting them entire. He says; "There 
 is no term, in our language, more common than that of 
 
 * Gentleman ;' and, whenever it is heard, all agree in 
 the general idea of a man some way elevated above the 
 vulgar. Yet, perhaps, no two living are precisely agreed 
 respecting the qualities they think requisite for consti- 
 tuting this character. When we hear the epithets of a 
 
 * fine Gentleman,' 'a pretty Gentleman,' 'much of a 
 Gentleman,' ' Gentlemanlike/ * something of a Gentle- 
 
POLITENESS 39 
 
 nan,' l nothing of a Gentleman/ and so forth ; all these 
 different appelations must intend a peculiarity annexed 
 fco the ideas of those who express them ; though no two 
 of them, as I said, may agree in the constituent qualities 
 of the character they have formed in their own mind. 
 There have been ladies who deemed fashion able dress a 
 \ery capital ingredient in the composition of a Gentle 
 man. A certain easy impudence acquired by low peo- 
 nle, by casually being conversant in high life, has passed 
 a man current through many companies for a Gentle- 
 man. In taverns and brothels, he who is the most of a 
 bully is the most of a Gentleman. A.r,d the highway- 
 man, in his manner of taking your pTirse, may however 
 be allowed to have much of the Gentleman. Plato, 
 among the philosophers, was * the most of a man of 
 fashion ; and therefore allowed, at tho court of Syracuse, 
 to be the most of a Gentleman. But seriously, I ap- 
 prehend that this character is pretty much upon the 
 modern. In all ancient or dead languages we have n<? 
 term, any way adequate, whereby we may express it 
 In the habits, manners, and characters of old SparU. 
 and old Rome, we find an antipathy to all the elements 
 )f modern gentility. Among these rude and unpolished 
 Deople, you read of philosophers, of orators, of patriots, 
 heroes, and demigods : but you never hear of any char- 
 actor so elegant as that of a pretty Gentleman. 
 
 " AV^hen those nations, however, became refined into 
 what their ancestors would have called corruption; when 
 .uxury introduced, and fashion gave a sanction to ccr 
 lain sciences, which Cynics would have branded with the 
 il mannered appellations of drunkenness, gambling, 
 
40 GENTLEMEX'3 BOOK OP ETIQUETTE 
 
 cheating, lying, &c. ; the practitioners assumed the zzj 
 title of Gentlemen, til] such Gentlemen became as plen- 
 teous as stars in the milky-way, and lost distinction 
 merely by the confluence of their lustre. Wherefore aa 
 the said qualities were found to be of ready acquisition, 
 and of e.i?,y descent to the populace from their betters, 
 ambition judged it necessary to add further marks and 
 criterion s for severing the general herd from the nobler 
 BJ: ocies of Gentlemen. 
 
 " Accordingly, if the commonalty were observed to 
 have a propensity to religion, their superiors affected a 
 disdain of such vulgar prejudices ; and a freedom that 
 cast off the restraints of morality, and a courage that 
 spurned at the fear of a God, were accounted the distin- 
 guishing characteristics of a Gentleman 
 
 " If the populace, as in China, were industrious and 
 ingenious, the grandees, by the length of their nails and 
 the cramping of their limbs, gave evidence that true dig- 
 nity was above labor and utility, and that to be born to 
 no end was the prerogative of a Gentleman. 
 
 " If the common sort, by their conduct, declared a 
 respect for the institutions of civil society and good gov- 
 ernment ; their betters despised such pusillanimous con- 
 formity, and the magistrates paid becoming regard to 
 the distinction, and allowed of the superior liberties and 
 privileges of a Gentleman. 
 
 " If the lower set show a sense of common honesty 
 and common order; those who would figure in the world, 
 think it incumbent to demonstrate that complaisance to 
 inferiors, common manners, common equity, or any thi?-' 
 
POLITENESS. 47 
 
 common, is quite beneath the attention or sphere -of a 
 Gentleman. 
 
 "Now, as underlings are ever ambitious of imitating 
 and usurping the manners of their superiors ; and as thia 
 state of mortality is incident to perpetual change and 
 revolution, it may happen, that when the populace, by 
 encroaching on the province of gentility, have arrived to 
 their ne plus ultra of insolence, irreligion, &c. ; the gen- 
 try, in order to be again distinguished, may assume the 
 station that their inferiors had forsaken, and, however 
 ridiculous the supposition may appear at present, hu- 
 manity, equity, utility, complaisance, and piety, may in 
 time come to be the distinguishing characteristics of a 
 Gen tl 3 man. 
 
 " It appears that the most general idea which people 
 have formed of a Gentleman, is that of a person of for 
 tune above the vulgar, and embellished by manners that 
 are fashionable in high life. In this case, fortune and 
 fashion are the two constituent ingredients in the com- 
 position of modern Gentlemen ; for whatever the fashion 
 may be, whether moral or immoral, for or against reasoD. 
 right or wrong, it is equally the duty of a Gentleman to 
 conform. And yet I apprehend, that true gentility ia 
 altogether independent of fortune or fashion, of time, 
 ^nstoms, or opinions of any kind. The very same quali- 
 \.'CS .iiat constituted a gentleman, in the first age of the 
 world, are permanently, invariably, and indispensably 
 necessary to the constitution of the same character to 
 tiie end of" time. 
 
 " Hector was the finest gentleman of whom we read in 
 history, and Don Quixote the finest gentleman we read 
 
42 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 of in romance ; as was instanced from the tenor of theil 
 principles and actions. 
 
 " Some time after the battle of Cressy, Edward the 
 Third of England, and Edward the Black Prince, the 
 more than heir of his father's renown, pressed John King 
 of France to indulge them with the pleasure of his com- 
 pany at London. John was desirous of embracing the 
 invitation, and accordingly laid the proposal before hia 
 parliament at Paris. The parliament objected, that the 
 invitation had been made with an insidious design of 
 seizing his person, thereby to make the cheaper, and 
 easier acquisition of the crown, to which Edward at that 
 time pretended. But John replied, with some warmth, 
 that he was confident his brother Edward, and more 
 especially his young cousin, were too much of the GEN- 
 TLEMAN, to treat him in that manner. He did not say 
 too much of the king, of the hero, or of the saint, but 
 too much of the GENTLEMAN to be guilty of any base- 
 ness. 
 
 " The sequel verified this opinion. At the. battle of 
 Poicticrs King John was made prisoner, and soon after 
 conducted by the Black Prince to England. The prince 
 entered London in triumph, amid the throng and accla- 
 mations of millions of the people. But then this rather 
 appeared to be the triumph of the French king than 
 that of his conqueror. John was seated on a proud 
 steed, royally robed, and attended by a numerous and 
 gorgeous train of the British nobility ; while his con- 
 queror endeavored, as much as possible, to disappear, 
 and rode by his side in plain attire, and 
 seated on a little Irish hobby. 
 
POLITENESS. 43 
 
 "As Aristotle and the Critics derived their rules foi 
 epic poetry and the sublime from a poem which Homer 
 had written long before the rules were formed, or laws 
 established for the purpose : thus, from the demeanor 
 and innate principles of particular gentlemen, art has 
 borrowed and instituted the many modes of behaviour, 
 which the world has adopted, under the title of good 
 manners. 
 
 " One quality of a gentleman is that of charity to the 
 poor ; and this is delicately instanced in the account 
 which Don Quixote gives, to his fast friend Sancho Pan- 
 cha, of the valorous but yet more pious knight-errant 
 Saint Martin. On a day, said the Don, Saint Martin 
 met a poor man half naked, and taking his cloak from 
 his shoulders, he divided, and gave him the one half. 
 Now, tell me at what time of the year this happened. 
 Was I a witness ? quoth, Sancho; how the vengeance 
 should I know in what year or what time of the year it 
 happened ? Hadst thou Sancho, rejoined the knight, 
 anything within thee of the sentiment of Saint Martin, 
 thou must assuredly have known that this happened in 
 winter ; for, had it been summer, Saint Martin would 
 had given the whole cloak. 
 
 " Another characteristic of the true gentleman, is a 
 delicacy of behaviour toward that sex whom nature has 
 entitled to the protection, and consequently entitled to 
 the tenderness, of man. 
 
 " The same gentleman-errant, entering into a wood 
 on a summer's evening, found himself entangled among 
 nets of green thread that, here and there, hung from 
 tree to tree ; and conceiving it some matter of purposed 
 
44 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 conjuration* pushed valorously forward to break through 
 the enchantment. Hereupon some beautiful shephord 
 esses interposed with a cry, and besought him to sparo 
 the implements of their innocent recreation. The knight, 
 surprised and charmed by the vision, replied, Fair 
 creatures ! my province is to protect, not to injure ; to 
 seek all means of service, but never of offence, more es- 
 pecially to any of your sex and apparent excellences 
 Your pretty nets take up but a small piece of favored 
 ground ; but, did they inclose the world, I would seek 
 out new worlds, whereby I might win a passage, rather 
 than break them. 
 
 " Two very lovely but shamefaced girls had a cause, 
 ff some consequence, depending at Westminster, that 
 indispensably required their personal appearance. They 
 were relations of Sir Joseph Jeckel, and, on this tre- 
 mendous occasion, requested his company and counte- 
 nance at the court. Sir Joseph attended accordingly; 
 and the cause being opened, the judge demanded whethei 
 he was to entitle those ladies by the denomination of 
 spinsters. c No. my Lord,' said Sir Joseph : * they are lilies 
 of the valley, they toil not, neither do they spin, yet 
 you see that no monarch, in all his glory, was ever ar- 
 rayed like one of these.' 
 
 "Another very peculiar characteristic of a gentleman 
 is, the giving place and yielding to all with whom he hau 
 to do. Of this we have a shining and affecting instance 
 in Abraham, perhaps the most accomplished character 
 that may be found in history, whether sacred or profane. 
 A contention had arisen between the herdsmen of Abra- 
 ham and the herdsmen of his nephew, Lot, respecting 
 
POLITENESS. 45 
 
 the propriety of the pasture of the lands wheiein they 
 dwelled, that could now scarce contain the abun lance of 
 their cattle. And those servants, as is universally the 
 case, had respectively endeavored to kindle and inflame 
 their masters with their own passions. When Abraham, 
 in consequence of this, perceived that the countenance 
 of Lot began to change toward him, he called, and gen- 
 erously expostulated with him as followeth : < Let thero 
 be no strife, I pray thee, between me and thee, or be- 
 tween my herdsmen and thy herdsmen ; for we bo 
 brethren. If it be thy desire to separate thyself from 
 me, is not the whole land before thee ? If thou wilt 
 take the left hand, then will I go to the right; or if 
 thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left.' 
 
 "Another capital quality of the true gentleman is, 
 that of feeling himself concerned and interested in 
 others. Never was there so benevolent, so affecting, so 
 pathetic a piece of oratory exhibited upon earth, as that 
 of Abraham's pleading with God for averting the judg- 
 ments that then impended over Sodom. But the matter 
 is already so generally celebrated, that I am constrained 
 to refer my reader to the passage at full ; since the 
 smallest abridgment must deduct from its beauties, and 
 that nothing can be added to the excellences thereof. 
 
 " Honor, again, is said, in Scripture, peculiarly to 
 distinguish the character of a gentleman ; where it is 
 written of Sechem, the son of Hamor, 'that he TTi.s 
 more honorable than all the house of his father.' 
 
 " From hence it may be inferred, that human excel 
 lence, or human amiableness, doth not so much consist 
 in a freedom from frailty as in our recovery f You) lapses, 
 
46 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 ;mr detestation of our own transgressions, and our de- 
 sire of atoning, by all possible means, the injuries we 
 have done, and the offences we have given. Herein, 
 therefore, may consist the very singular distinction which 
 *ihe great apostle makes between his estimation of a just 
 and of a good man. ' For a just or righteous man,' says 
 he, * one would grudge to die ; but for a gojcl man one 
 would even dare to die.' Here the just man is supposed 
 to adhere strictly to the rule of right or equity, and to 
 xact from others the same measure that he is satisfied 
 to mete ; but the good man, though occasionally he may 
 fall short of justice, has, properly speaking, no measure 
 to his benevolence, his general propensity is to give moro 
 than the due. The just man condemns, and is desirous 
 of punishing the transgressors of the line prescribed to 
 himself; but the good man, in the sense of his own falls 
 and failings, gives latitude, indulgence, and pardon to 
 others ; he judges, he condemns no 'one save himself. 
 The just man is a stream that deviates not to the right 
 or left from its appointed channel, neither is swelled by 
 the flood of passion above its banks ; but the heart of 
 the good man, the man of honor, the gentleman, is as i 
 lamp lighted by the breath of GOD, and none save GOD 
 himself can set limits to the efflux or irradiations thereof. 
 " Again, the gentleman never envies any superior ex- 
 cellence, but grows himself more excellent, by being the 
 admirer, promoter, and lover thereof. Saul said to his 
 eon Jonathan, * Thou son of the perverse, rebellious 
 woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of 
 Jesse to thine own confusion ? For as long as the son 
 9f Jesse liveth upon the ground, thou shalt not be ea 
 
POLITENESS. 47 
 
 tablislied, nor thy kingdom , wherefore send and fetch 
 him unto me, for he shall surely die.' Here every in 
 tercsting motive that can possibly be conceived to have 
 an influence on man, united to urge Jonathan to the de- 
 struction of David ; he would thereby have obeyed hi3 
 king, and pacified a father who was enraged against him. 
 lie would thereby have removed the only luminary that 
 then eclipsed the brightness of his own achievements. 
 And he saw, as his father said, that the death of David 
 alone could establish the kingdom in himself and his 
 posterity. But all those considerations were of no avail 
 to make Jonathan swerve from honor, to slacken the 
 bands of his faith, or cool the warmth of his friendship. 
 Jonathan ! the sacrifice which thou then madest to 
 virtue, was incomparably more illustrious in the sight of 
 God and his angels than all the subsequent glories to 
 which David attained. What a crown was thine, * Jona- 
 than, when thou wast slain in thy high places !' 
 
 " Saul of Tarsus had been a man of bigotry, blood, 
 and violence ; making havoc, and breathing out threat- 
 enings and slaughter, against all who were not of hi3 
 own sect and persuasion. But, when the spirit of that 
 INFANT, who laid himself in the manger of human flesh, 
 came upon him, he acquired a new heart and a new na- 
 ture ; and he offered himself a willing subject to all the 
 Bufferings and persecutions which he had brought upon 
 others. 
 
 " Saul from that .time, exemplified in his own person, 
 all those qualities of the gentleman, which he after- 
 wards specifies in his celebrated description of tnat 
 aharity, which, as he says, alone endureth forever. 
 
18 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 When Festus cried with a loud voice, * Paul, thou art 
 Deside thyself, much learning doth make thee mad:' 
 Paul stretched the hand, and answered, ' I am not mad, 
 most noble Festus, but speak forth the words of truth 
 and soberness. For the king knoweth of these things, 
 before whom also I speak freely; for I am persuaded 
 that none of these things are hidden from him. King 
 Agrippa, believcst thou the prophets ? I know that thou 
 believest.' Then Agrippa said unto Paul, i Almost thou 
 persuadest me to be a Christian.' And Paul said, '1 
 would to God that not only thou, but also all that hear 
 me this day, were not only almost but altogether such as 
 I am, except these bonds.' Here, with what an inimit- 
 able elegance did this man, in his own person, at once 
 Burn up the orator, the saint, and the gentleman! 
 
 "From these instances, my friend, you must have 
 seen that the character, or rather quality of a GENTLE- 
 MAN, does not, in any degree, depend on fashion or 
 mode, on station or opinion ; neither changes with cus- 
 toms, climate, or ages. But, as the Spirit of God can 
 alone inspire it into man. so it is, as God is the same, 
 yesterday, to-day, and forever." 
 
 In concluding this chapter I would say : 
 "In the common actions and transactions of life, 
 there is a wide distinction between the well-bred and the 
 ill-bred. If a person of the latter sort be in a superior 
 tondition in life, his conduct towards those below him^ 
 or dependent upon him, is marked by haughtiness, or by 
 unmannerly condescension. In. the company of hia 
 equals in station and circumstances, an ill-bred man ia 
 
POLITENESS.. 4$ 
 
 either captious and quarrelsome, or offensively familiar. 
 He does not consider that : 
 
 1 The man who hails you Tom or Jack, 
 And proves, by thumps upon your back. 
 
 How he esteems your merit, 
 Is such a friend, that one had need 
 Be very much a friend indeed, 
 To pardon or to bear it/ 
 
 "And if a man void of good breeding have to transact 
 business with a superior in wealth or situation, it is more 
 than likely that he will be needlessly humble, uninten- 
 tionally insolent, or, at any rate, miserably embarrassed. 
 On the contrary, a well-bred person will instinctively 
 avoid all these errors. 'To inferiors, he will speak 
 kindly and considerately, so as to relieve them from any 
 feeling of being beneath him in circumstances. Tc 
 equals, he will be plain, unaffected, and courteous. To 
 superiors, he will know how to show becoming respect, 
 without descending to subserviency or meanness. In 
 short, he will act a manly, inoffensive, and agreeable 
 part, in all the situations in life in which he may be 
 placed/*' 
 4 
 
60 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 TABLE ETIQUE1TE. 
 
 f ' may seem a very simple thing to eat your rneals, 
 y,t tliere is no occasion upon which the gentleman, anil 
 the low-bred, vulgar man are more strongly contrasted, 
 than when at the table. The rules I shall give for table 
 etiquette when in company will apply equally well for 
 the home circle, with the exception of some few points, 
 readily discernible, which may be omitted at your own 
 table. 
 
 A well-bred man, receiving an invitation to dine with 
 a friend should reply to it immediately, whether he ac- 
 cepts or declines it. 
 
 He should be punctual to the hour named in the invi- 
 tation, five or ten minutes earlier if convenient, but not 
 one instant later. He must never, unless he has previously 
 asked permission to do so, take with him any friend not 
 named in his invitation. His host and hostess have the 
 privilege of inviting whom they will, and it is an imper- 
 tinence to force them to extend their hospitality, as they 
 must do if you introduce a friend at their own house. 
 
 Speak, on entering the parlor of your friend, first to 
 the hostess, then to the host. 
 
 When dinner is announced, the host or hostess will 
 
TABLE ETIQUETTE. 5\ 
 
 give he signal for leaving the drawing-room, and you 
 will probably be requested to escort one of the ladies to 
 the table. Offer to her your left arm, and at the table 
 wait until she is seated, indeed wait until every lady is 
 seated, before taking your own place. 
 
 In leaving the parlor you will pass out first, and tho 
 lady will follow you, still holding your arm. At tho 
 door of the dining-room, the lady will drop your arm. 
 Pass in, then wait on one side of the entrance till she 
 passes you, to her place at the table. 
 
 If there are no ladies, you may go to the table with 
 any gentleman who stands near you, or with whom you 
 may be conversing when dinner is announced. If your 
 companion is older than yourself, extend to him the 
 ame courtesy which you would use towards a lady. 
 
 There are a thousand little points to be observed in 
 your conduct at table which, while they are not abso- 
 lutely necessary, are yet distinctive marks of a well-bred 
 man. 
 
 If, when at home, you practice habitually the courte- 
 sies of -the table, they will sit upon you easily when 
 abroad ; but if you neglect them at home, you will use 
 them awkwardly when in company, and you will find 
 yourself recognized as a man who has " company man- 
 jaers," only when abroad. 
 
 I have seen men who eat soup, or chewed their food, 
 in so noisy a manner as to be heard from one end of the 
 table to the other ; fill their mouths so full of food, as to 
 threaten suffocation or choking; use their own knife for 
 the butter, -and salt ; put their fingers in the sugar bowl , 
 and commit ol.her faults quite as ' monstrous, yet seein 
 
52 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 perfectly unconscious that they were doing anything tc 
 attract attention. 
 
 Try to sit easily and gracefully, but at the same time 
 avoid crowding those beside you. 
 
 Far from eating with avidity of whatever delicacies 
 which maybe upon the table, and which are often served 
 in small quantities, partake of them but sparingly, au-J 
 decline them when offered the second time. 
 
 Many men at their own table have little peculiar no- 
 tions, which a guest does well to respect. Some will 
 feel hurt, even offended, if you decline a dish which they 
 recommend; while others expect you to eat enormously, 
 as if they feared you did not appreciate their hospitality 
 unless you tasted of every dish upon the table. Try to 
 pay respect to such whims at the table of others, but 
 avoid having any such notions when presiding over your 
 own board. 
 
 Observe a strict sobriety ; never drink of more than 
 cne kind of wine, and partake of that sparingly. 
 
 The style of serving dinner is different at different 
 houses ; if there are many servants they will bring you 
 your plate filled, and you must keep it. If you have 
 the care of a lady, see that she has what she desires, 
 before you give your own order to the waiter ; but if 
 there are but few domestics, and the dishes are upon tho 
 table, you may with perfect propriety help those rear 
 you, A-om any dish within your reach. 
 
 If your host or hostess passes you a plate, keep it, 
 especially if you have chosen the food upon it, for others 
 have also a choice, and by passing it, you may give your 
 
TABLE ETIQUETTE. 53 
 
 neighbor dishes distaseful to him, and take yourself 
 those which he would much prefer. 
 
 If in the leaves of your salad, or in a plate of fruit 
 you find a worm or insect, pass your plate to the waiter, 
 \\ithout any comment, and he will bring you another. 
 
 Be careful to avoid the extremes of gluttony or over 
 daintiness at table. To eat enormously is disgusting ; 
 but if you eat too sparingly, your 'host may think that 
 you despise his fare. 
 
 Watch that the lady whom you escorted to the tablo 
 is well helped. Lift and change her plate for her, pass 
 her bread, salt, and butter, give her orders to the waiter, 
 and pay her every attention in your power. 
 
 Before taking your place at table, wait until your 
 place is pointed out to you, unless there are cards bear- 
 ing the names of the guests upon the plates ; in the latter 
 case, take the place thus marked for you. 
 
 Put your napkin upon your lap, covering your knees. 
 It is out of date, and now looked upon as a vulgar habit 
 to put your napkin up over your breast. 
 
 Sit neither too near nor too far from the table. Never 
 hitch up your coat-sleeves or wristbands as if you were 
 going to wash your hands. Some men do this habitu- 
 ally, but it is a sign of very bad breeding. 
 
 Never tip your chair, or lounge back in it during 
 dinner. 
 
 All gesticulations are out of place, and in bad taste at 
 the table. Avoid making them. 
 
 Converse in a low tone to your neighbor, yet not with 
 any air of secresy if others are engaged in tete-d-t^te 
 conversation ; if, however, the conversation is general, 
 
54 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQCJETTE. 
 
 avoid conversing tete-a-tete. Do not raise your voice 
 too much ; if you cannot make those at some distance 
 from you hear you when speaking in a moderate tone, 
 confine your remarks to those near you. 
 
 If you wish for a knife, plate, or anything from tho 
 uide table, never address those in attendance as ""Waiter !" 
 as you would at a hotel or restaurant, but call one of 
 them by name ; if you cannot do this, make him a sign 
 without -speaking. 
 
 Unless you are requested to do so. never select any 
 particular part of a dish ; but, if your host asks you 
 what part you prefer, name some part, as in this case the 
 incivility would consist in making your host choose as 
 well as carve for you. 
 
 Never blow your soup if it is too hot, but wait until 
 it cools. Never raise your plate to your lips, but eat 
 with your spoon. 
 
 Never touch either your knife or your fork until after 
 you have finished eating your soup. Leave your spoon 
 in your soup plate, that the servant may remove them 
 both. Never take soup twice. 
 
 In changing your plate, or passing it during dinner, 
 remove your knife and fork, that the plate alone may be 
 taken, but after you have finished your dinner, cross tho 
 knife and fork on the plate, that the servant may take 
 all away, before bringing you clean ones for dessert. 
 
 Do not bite your bread from the roll or slice, nor cut 
 it with your knife ; break off small pieces and pat theso 
 in your mouth with your fingers. 
 
 At dinner do not put butter on your bread. Never 
 dip a piece of bread into the gravy or preserves upon 
 
TABLE ETIQUETTE. 65 
 
 yoir plate and then bite it, but if you -wish to eat them 
 together, break the bread into small pieces, and carry 
 these to your mouth with your fork. 
 
 Use always the salt-spoon, sugar-tongs, and butter 
 knife; to use your own knife, spoon, or lingers, evinces 
 a shocking want of good-breeding. 
 
 Never criticize any dish before you. 
 
 If a dish is distasteful to you, decline it, but make no 
 remarks about it. It is sickening and disgusting^ to ex- 
 plain at a table how one article makes you sick, or why 
 some other dish has become distasteful to you. I have 
 seen a well-dressed tempting dish go from a table un- 
 touched, because one of the company told a most disgust- 
 ing anecdote about finding vermin served in a similar dish. 
 No wit in the narration can excuse so palpably an error 
 of politeness. 
 
 Never put bones, or the seeds of fruit upon the table- 
 cloth. Put them upon the edge of your plate. 
 
 Never use your knife for any purpose but to cut your 
 rood. It is not meant to be put in your mouth. Your 
 fork is intended to carry the food from your plate to 
 your mouth, and no gentleman ever eats with his knife. 
 
 If the meat or fish upon your plate is too rare or too 
 well-done, do not eat it ; give for an excuse that you 
 prefer some other dish before you ; but never tell your 
 host that his cook has made the dish uneatable. 
 
 Never speak when you have anything in your mouth. 
 Never pile the food on your plate as if you were starv- 
 ing, but take a little at a time ; the dishes will not run 
 away. 
 
 Never use your own knife and fork to help eithel 
 
56 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 yourself or others. There is always one- before the dish 
 at every well-served table, and you should use that. 
 
 It is a good plan to accustom yourself to using your 
 fork with the left hand, when eating, as you thus avoid 
 the awkwardness of constantly passing the fork from your 
 left hand to your right, and back again, when cutting 
 your food and eating it. 
 
 Never put fruit or bon-bons in your pocket to carry 
 then: from the table. 
 
 Do not cut fruit with a steel knife. Use a silver 
 one. 
 
 Never eat so fast as to hurry the others at the table, 
 nor so slowly as to keep them waiting. 
 
 If you do not take wine, never keep the bottle stand- 
 ing before you, but pass it on. If you do take it, pass 
 it on as soon as you have filled your glass. 
 
 If you wish to remove a fish bone or fruit seed from 
 your mouth, cover your lips with your hand or napkin, 
 that others may not see you remove it. 
 
 If you wish to use your handkerchief, and have not 
 time to leave the table, turn your head away, and as 
 quickly as possible put the handkerchief in your pocket 
 again. 
 
 Always wipe your mouth before drinking, as nothing 
 is more ill-bred than to grease your glass with ycur 
 lips. 
 
 If you are invited to drink with a friend, and do not 
 drink wine, bow, raise your glass of water and drink 
 with him. 
 
 Do not propose to take wine with your host; it is hia 
 privilege to invite you 
 
TABLE ETIQUETTE. 57. 
 
 Do not put your glass upside down on the table to 
 signify that you do not wish to drink any more ; it ia 
 sufficient to refuse firmly. Do not be persuaded to touch 
 another drop of wine after your own prudence warns 
 you that you have taken enough. 
 
 Avoid any air of mystery when speaking to those 
 next you ; it is ill-bred and in excessively bad *aste. 
 
 If you wish to speak of any one, or to any one at the 
 table, call them by name, but never point or make a 
 signal when at table. 
 
 When taking coffee, never pour it into your saucer, 
 but let it cool in the cup, and drink from that. 
 
 If at a gentleman's party, never ask any one to sing 
 or tell a story ; your host alone has the right thus to call 
 upon his guests. 
 
 If invited yourself to sing, and you feel sufficiently 
 sure that you will give pleasure, comply immediately with 
 the request. 
 
 If, however, you refuse, remain firm in your refusal, 
 as to yield after once refusing is a breach of etiquette. 
 
 When the finger-glasses are passed, dip your fingers 
 into them and then wipe them upon your napkin. 
 
 Never leave the table till the mistress of the house 
 gives the signal. 
 
 On leaving the table put your napkin on the table, 
 but do not fold it. 
 
 Offer your arm to the lady whom you escorted to tho 
 table. 
 
 It is excessively rude to leave the house as soon aa 
 dinner is over. Respect to your hostess obl'ges you to 
 6tay in the Irawing-room at least an hour. 
 
58 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 If the ladies withdraw, leaving the gentlemen, aftef 
 dinner, rise when they leave the table, and remain 
 standing until they have left the room. 
 
 I give, from a recent English work, some humorously 
 written directions for table etiquette, and, although they 
 are some of them repetitions of what I have already 
 given, they will be found to contain many useful hints : 
 
 " We now come to habits at table, which are very im- 
 portant. However agreeable a man may be in society, 
 if he offends or disgusts by his table traits, he will soon 
 be scouted from it, and justly so. There are some broad 
 rules for behavior at table. Whenever there is a servant 
 to help you, never help yourself. Never put a knife 
 into your mouth, not even with cheese, which should be 
 eaten with a fork. Never use a spoon for anything but 
 liquids. Never touch anything edible with your fingers 
 
 "Forks were, undoubtedly, a later invention than 
 fingers, but, as we are not cannibals, I am inclined to 
 think they were a good one. There are some few things 
 which you may take up with your fingers. Thus an 
 epicure will eat even macaroni with his fingers ; and as 
 sucking asparagus is more pleasant than chewing it, you 
 may, as an epicure, take it up au naturcl. But both 
 these things are generally eaten with a fork. Bread is, 
 of course, eaten with the fingers, and it would be absurd 
 to carve it with your knife and fork. It must, on tho 
 contrary, always be broken when not buttered, and you 
 should never put a slice of dry bread to your mouth to 
 bite a piece off. Most fresh fruit, too, is eaten with the 
 natural prongs, but when you have peeled an orange or 
 apple, you should cut it with the aid of the fork, unless 
 
TABLE ETIQUETTE. 59 
 
 you can succeed in breaking it. Apropos of which, I 
 may hint that no epicure ever yet put a knife to an 
 apple, and that an orange should be peeled with a spoon. 
 But the art of peeling an orange* 1 so as to hold its own 
 juice, and its own sugur too, is one that can scarcely bo 
 taught in a book. 
 
 " However, let us go to dinner, and I will soon tell 
 you whether you are a well-bred man or not ; and here 
 let me premise that what is good manners for a small 
 dinner is good manners for a large one, and vice versd. 
 Now, the first thing you do is to sit down. Stop, sir ! 
 pray do not cram yourself into the table in that way ; 
 no, nor sit a yard from it, like that. How graceless, in- 
 convenient, and in the way of conversation ! Why, 
 dear me ! you are positively putting your elbows on the 
 table, and now you have got your hands fumbling about 
 with the spoons and forks, and now you are nearly 
 knocking my new hock glasses over. Can't you take 
 your hands down, sir? Didn't you learn that in the 
 nursery ? Didn't your mamma say to you, * Never put 
 your hands above the table except to carve or eat ?' 
 Oh ! but come, no nonsense, sit up, if you please. I 
 can't have your fine head of hair Terming a side dish on 
 my table ; you must not bury your face in the plate, you 
 came to show it, and it ought to be alive. Well, but 
 there is no occasion to throw your head back like that, 
 you look like an alderman, sir, after dinner. Pray, 
 don't lounge in that sleepy way. You are here to eat, 
 diink, and be merry. You can sleep when you get 
 home. 
 
 " Well, then, I suppose you can see your napkin 
 
60 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETIB. 
 
 Got none, indeed! Very likely, in my house. Yjt, 
 may be sure that I never sit down to a meal -without 
 napkins. I don't want to make my tablecloths unfit for 
 use, and I don't want to make my trousers unwearable. 
 Well, now, we are all seated, you can unfold it on your 
 knees; no, no; don't tuck it into your waistcoat like au 
 alderman ; and what ! what on earth do you mean bj 
 wiping your forehead with it ? Do you take it for a 
 towel? Well, never mind, I am consoled that you did 
 not go farther, and use it as a pocket-handkerchief. So 
 talk away to the lady on your right, and wait till soup 13 
 handed to you. By the way, that waiting is the most 
 important part of table manners, and, as much as possi- 
 ble, you should avoid asking for anything or helping 
 yourself from the table. Your soup you eat with a 
 spoon I don't know what else you could eat it with 
 but then it must be one of good size Yes, that will do, 
 but I beg you will not make that odious noise in drinking 
 your soup. It is louder than a dog lapping water, and 
 a cat would be quite genteel to it. Then you need not 
 scrape up the plate in that way, nor even tilt it to get 
 the last drop. I shall be happy to send you aome more; 
 but I must just remark, that it is not the custom to take 
 two helpings of soup, and it is liable to keep other people 
 waiting, which, once for all, is a selfish and intolerable 
 habit. But don't you hear the servant offering you 
 sherry ? I wish you would attend, for my servants have 
 quite enough to do, and can't wait all the evening while 
 you finish tLat very mild story to Miss Goggles. Come, 
 leave that decanter alone. I had the wine put on the 
 table to fill up ; the servants will hand it directly, or, aa 
 
TABLE ETIQUETTE. 61 
 
 we are a small party, J will tell you to help yourself; 
 but, pray, do not be so officious. (There, I have sent 
 him some turbot to keep him quiet. I declare he cannot 
 make up his mind.) You are keeping my servant again, 
 sir. Will you, or will you not, do turbot ? Don't ex 
 amine it in that way; it is quite fresh, I assure you, 
 take or decline it. Ah, you take it, but that is no 
 reason why you should take up a knife too. Fish, I re- 
 peat, must never be touched with a knife. Take a fork 
 in the right and a small piece of bread in the left hand. 
 Good, but ? Oh! that is atrocious; of course you 
 must not swallow the bones, but you should rather do so 
 than spit them out in that way. Put up your napkin 
 like this, and land the said bone on your plate. Don't 
 rub your head in the sauce, my good man, nor go prog- 
 ging about after the shrimps or oysters therein. Oh ! 
 how horrid ! I declare your mouth was wide open and 
 full of fish. Small pieces, I beseech you ; and once for 
 all, whatever you eat, keep your mouth shut, and never 
 attempt to talk with it full. 
 
 " So now you have got a pate\ Surely you are not 
 taking two on your plate. There is plenty of dinner to 
 come, and one is quite enough. Oh ! dear me, you aro 
 incorrigible. What ! a knife to cut that light, brittle 
 pastry ? No, nor fingers, never. Nor a spoon almost 
 as bad. Take your fork, sir, your fork ; and, now you 
 have eaten, oblige me by wiping your mouth and mous- 
 tache with your napkin, for there is a bit of the pastry 
 hanging to the latter, and looking very disagreeable. 
 Well, you can refuse a dish if you like. There is no 
 positive necessity for you to take /enison if you don't 
 
62 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 want it. But, at any rate, do not be in that terrific 
 hurry. You are not going off by the next train. Wait 
 for the sauce and wait for vegetables ; but whether you 
 eat th ?m or not, do not begin before everybody eke. 
 Surely you must take my table for that of a railway re- 
 freshment-room, for you have finished before the person 
 I helped first. Fast eating is bad for the digestion, my 
 good sir, and not very good manners either. What! aro 
 you trying to eat meat with a fork alone ? Oh ! it is 
 sweetbread, I beg your pardon, you are quite right. 
 Let me give you a rule, Everything that can be cut 
 without a knife, should be cut with a fork alone. Eat 
 your vegetables, therefore, with a fork. No, there is no 
 necessity to take a spoon for peas ; a fork in the right 
 hand will do. What ! did I really see you put your 
 knife into your mouth? Then I must give you up. 
 Once for all, and ever, the knife is to cut, not to help 
 with. Pray, do not munch in that noisy manner ; chew 
 your food well, but softly. Eat slowly. Have you not 
 heard that Napoleon lost the battle of Leipsic by eating 
 too fast ? It is a fact though. His haste caused indi- 
 gestion, which made him incapable of attending to the 
 details of the battle. You see you are the last person 
 eating at table. Sir, I will not allow you to speak to 
 my servants in that way. If they are so remiss as to 
 oblige you to ask for anything, do it gently, and in a 
 law tone, and thank a servant just as much as you would 
 Lis master. Ten to one he is as good a man ; and be- 
 cause he is your inferior in position, is the very reason 
 you should treat him courteously. Oh ! it is of no use 
 to afck me to take wine; far from pacifying me, it will 
 
TABLE ETIQUETTE. 6 
 
 only make me more angry, for I tell you the custom ia 
 quite gone out, except in a few country villages, and at 
 a mess-table. Nor need you ask the lady to do so. 
 However, there is this consolation, if you should ask any 
 one to take wine with you, he or she cannot refuse, so 
 you have your own way. Perhaps next you will he ask- 
 ing rae to hob and nob, or trinquer in the French fashion 
 with arms encircled. Ah! you don't know, perhaps, 
 that when a lady trinques in that way with you, you have 
 a right to finish off with a kiss. Very likely, indeed ! 
 But it is the custom in familiar circles in France, but 
 then we are not Frenchmen. Will you attend to your 
 lady, sir? You did riot come merely to eat, but to make 
 yourself agreeable. Don't sit as glum as the Memnon at 
 Thebes; talk and be pleasant. Now, you have some 
 pudding. No knife no, no. A spoon if you like, but 
 better still, a fork. Yes, ice requires a spoon ; there is 
 a small one handed you, take that. 
 
 " Say * no.' This is the fourth time wine has been 
 handed to you, and I am sure you have had enough. 
 Decline this time if you please. Decline that dish too. 
 Are you going to eat of everything that is handed ? I 
 pity you if you do. No, you must not ask for more 
 cheese, and you must eat it with your fork. Break the 
 rusk with your fingers. Good. You are drinking a 
 glass of old port. Do not quaff it down at a gulp in 
 that way. Never drink a whole glassful of anything at 
 once. 
 
 " Well, here is the wine and dessert. Take whichever 
 wine you like, but remember you must keep to that, and 
 not change about. Before you go up stairs I will allow 
 
64 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 you a glass of sherry after your claret, but otherwise 
 drink of one wine only. You don't mean to say you are 
 helping yourself to wine before the ladies. At least, 
 offer it to the one next to you, and then pass it on, 
 gently, not with a push like that. Do not drink so fast; 
 you will hurry lue in passing the decanters, if I sec that 
 your glass is empty. You need not eat dessert till tho 
 ladies are gone, but offer them whatever is nearest tc 
 you. And now they are gone, draw your chair near 
 mine, and I will try and talk more pleasantly to you. 
 You will come out admirably at your next dinner with 
 all my teaching. What ! you are excited, you are talk- 
 ing loud to the colonel. Nonsense. Come and talk 
 easily to me or to your nearest neighbor. There, don't 
 drink any more wine, for I see you are getting romantic. 
 You oblige me to make a move. You have had enough 
 of those walnuts ; you are keeping me, my dear sir. So 
 now to coffee [one cup] and tea, which I .beg you will 
 not pour into your saucer to cool. Well, the dinner has 
 done you good, and me too. Let us be amiable to tho 
 ladies, but not too much so." 
 
 "Champ, champ; Smack, smack; Smack, smack; 
 Champ, champ; It is one thing to know how to make a 
 pudding, and another to know now to eat it when made. 
 Unmerciful and monstrous are the noises with which somo 
 persons accompany the* eating no, the devouring of the 
 food for which, we trust, they are thankful. To sit 
 down with a company of such masticators is like joining 
 1 a herd of swine feeding.' Soberly, at no time, proba- 
 bly, are the rules of good breeding less regarded than 
 at 'feeding time,' and at -no place is a departuie from 
 
TABLE ETIQUETTE. 65 
 
 these rules more noticeable than at table. Some persons 
 gnaw at a crust as dogs gnaw a bone, rattle knives and 
 spoony against their teeth as though anxious to prove 
 which is the harder, and scrape their plates with an en- 
 ergy and perseverance which would be very commendable 
 if bestowed upon any object worth the trouble. Others, 
 in defiance of the old nursery rhyme 
 
 * I must not dip, howe'er I wish, 
 My spoon or finger in the dish ;' 
 
 aro perpetually helping themselves in this very straight- 
 forward and unsophisticated manner. Another, with a 
 mouth full of food contrives to make his teeth and tongue 
 perform the double duty of chewing and talking at the 
 same time. Another, quite in military style, in the in- 
 tervals of cramming, makes his knife and fork keep 
 guard over the jealously watched plate, being held up- 
 right on either side in the clenched fist, like the musket 
 of a raw recruit. And another, as often as leisure serves, 
 fidgets his plate from left to right, and from right to left, 
 or round and round, until the painful operation of feeding 
 is over. 
 
 " There is, we know, such a thing as being * too nice* 
 'more nice than wise.' It is quite possible to be fas- 
 tidious. But there are also such inconsiderable matters 
 as decency and good order ; and it surely is better to 
 err on the right than on the wrong side of good breed- 
 ing," 
 
GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 ETIQUETTE IN THE STREET. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN will be always polite, in the parlor, 
 dining-room, and in the street. This last clause will 
 especially include courtesy towards ladies, no matte* 
 what may be their age or position. A man who will 
 annoy or insult a woman in the street, lowers himself to 
 a brute, no matter whether he offends by look, word, or 
 gesture. There are several little forms of etiquette, 
 given below, the observance of which will mark the gen- 
 tleman in the street. 
 
 When walking with a lady, or with a gentleman who 
 is older than yourself, give them the upper side of the 
 pavement, that is, the side nearest the house. 
 
 When walking alone, and you see any one coming to- 
 wards you on the same side of the street, give the uppei 
 part of the pavement, as you turn aside, to a man who 
 may carry a heavy bundle, to a priest or clergyman, to 
 a woman, or to any elderly person. 
 
 In a crowd never rudely push aside those who impede 
 your progress, but wait patiently until the way is clear 
 If you are hurried by business of importance or an en- 
 gagement, you will find that a few courteous words will 
 
ETIQUETTE IN THE STREET. 6? 
 
 open the way before you more quickly than the most 
 violent pushing and loud talking. 
 
 If obliged to cross a plank, or narrow path, let any 
 lady or old person who may also be passing, precede 
 you. In case the way is slippery or in any way unsafe, 
 you may, with perfect propriety, offer to assist either a 
 a lady or elderly person in crossing it. 
 
 Do not smoke in the street until after dark, and then 
 remove your cigar from your mouth, if you meet a lady. 
 
 Be careful about your dress. You can never know 
 whom you may meet, so it is best to never leave the 
 house otherwise than well-dressed. Bright colors, and 
 much jewelry are both unbecoming to a gentleman in 
 the street. 
 
 Avoid touching any one with your elbows in passing, 
 and do not swing your arms as you walk. 
 
 Be careful when walking with or near a lady, not to 
 put your foot upon her dress. 
 
 In carrying an umbrella, hold it so that you can see 
 the way clear before you ; avoid striking your umbrella 
 against those which pass you ; if you are walking with a 
 lady, let the umbrella cover her perfectly, but hold it so 
 that you will not touch her bonnet. If you have the 
 care of two ladies, let them carry the umbrella between 
 them, and walk outside yourself. Nothing can be more 
 absurd than for a gentleman to walk between two ladies, 
 holding the umbrella himself; while, in this way, he is 
 perfectly protected, the ladies receive upon their dresses 
 and cloaks the little streams of water which run from 
 the points of the umbrella. 
 
 In case of a sudden fall of rain, you may, with per- 
 
68 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 feet propriety, offer jour umbrella to a lady who is un- 
 provided with one. If she accepts it, and asks your 
 address to return it, leave it with her ; if she hesitates, 
 and does not wish to deprive you of the use of it, you 
 may offer to accompany her to her destination, and then, 
 do not open a conversation ; let your manner be respect- 
 ful, and when you leave her, let her thank you, assure 
 her of the pleasure it has given you to be of service, 
 bow, and leave her. 
 
 In meeting a lady friend, wait for her to bow to you, 
 and in returning her salutation, remove your hat. To 
 a gentleman you may bow, merely touching your hat, 
 if he is alone or with another gentleman ; but if he has 
 a lady with him, raise your hat in bowing to him. If 
 you stop to speak to a lady, hold your hat in your hand, 
 antil she leaves you, unless she requests you to replace it. 
 "With a gentleman you may replace it immediately. 
 
 Never join a lady whom you may meet, without first 
 asking her permission to do so. 
 
 If you stop to converse with any one in the street, 
 stand near the houses, that you may not interfere with 
 others who are passing. 
 
 You may bow to a lady who is seated at a window, if 
 you are in the street ; but you must not bow from a 
 window to a lady in the street. 
 
 Do not stop to join a crowd who are collected round 
 a street show, or street merchant, unless you wish to 
 piss for a countryman taking a holiday in the city. 
 
 If you stop any one to enquire your own way, or if 
 you are called upon to direct another, remove your hat 
 while asking or answering the question. 
 
ETIQUETTE IN THE STREET. 69 
 
 If you see a lady leaving a carriage unattended, 
 or hesitating at a bad crossing, you may, with pro- 
 priety, offer your hand or arm to assist her, and 
 having seen her safely upon the pavement, bow, and pass 
 on. 
 
 In a car or omnibus, when a lady wishes to get out, 
 Stop the car for her, pass up her fare, and in an omnibus 
 alight and assist her in getting out, bowing as you leavo 
 her. 
 
 Be gentle, courteous, and kind to children. There 
 is no surer token of a low, vulgar mind, than unkind- 
 ness to little ones whom you may meet in the streets., 
 
 A true gentleman never stops to consider what may be 
 the position of any woman whom it is in his power to aid 
 in the screet. He will assist an Irish washerwoman with 
 her large basket or bundle over a crossing, or carry over 
 the little charges of a distressed negro nurse, with the 
 same gehtle courtesy which he would extend toward the 
 lady who was stepping from her private carriage. The 
 true spirit of chivalry makes the courtesy due to the sex, 
 not to tho position of the individual. 
 
 When you are escorting a lady in the street, polite- 
 neiss does not absolutely require you to carry her bundle 
 or pa/asol, but if you are gallant you will do so. You 
 must icguh.tc your walk by hers, and not force her to 
 keep up with your ordinary pace. 
 
 Watch that you do not lead her into any 1 ad places, 
 and assist her carefully over each crossing, or wet place 
 on the pavement. 
 
 If you are walking in the country, and pa.'ss anj 
 
70 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 streamlet, offer your hand to assist your companion in 
 crossing. 
 
 If you pass over a fence, and she refuses your assis- 
 tance in crossing it, walk forward, and do not look back, 
 until she joins you again. The best way to assist a lady 
 over a fence, is to stand yourself upon the upper rail, 
 and while using one hand to keep a steady position, 
 stoop, offer her the other, and with a firm, steady grasp, 
 hold her hand until she stands beside you ; then let her 
 go down on the other side first, and follow her when she 
 is safe upon the ground. 
 
 In starting for a walk with a lady, unless she is a 
 stranger in the place towards whom you act as guide, 
 let her select your destination. 
 
 Where there are several ladies, and you are required 
 to escort one of them, select the elderly, or those whose 
 personal appearance will probably make them least likely 
 to be sought by others. You will probably be repaid by 
 finding them very intelligent, and with a fund of conver- 
 sation. If there are more ladies than gentlemen, you 
 may offer an arm to two, with some jest about the diffi- 
 culty of choosing, or the double honor you enjoy. 
 
 Offer your seat in any public conveyance, to a lady 
 who is standing. It is often quite as great a kindnesa 
 and mark of courtesy to take a child in your lap. 
 
 When with a lady you must pay her expenses as well 
 as ycur own ; if she offers to share the expense, decline 
 unless she insists upon it, in the latter case yield grace- 
 fully. Many ladies, who have no brother or father, and 
 arc dependent upon their gentlemen friends for escort, 
 make it a rule to be under no pecuniary obligations to. 
 
ETIQUETTE IN THE STREET. 71 
 
 them, and you will, in such a case, offend more by in- 
 insisting upon your right to take that expense, than by 
 quietly pocketing your dignity and their cash together. 
 
 I know many gentlemen will cry out at my assertion; 
 but I have observed this matter, and know many ladies 
 v,\\o will sincerely agree with me in my opinion.. 
 
 In a carriage always give the back seat to the lady 
 oi ladies accompanying you. If you have but one lady 
 with you, take the seat opposite to her, unless she invites 
 you to sit beside her, in which case accept her offer. 
 
 Never put your arm across the seat, or around her, 
 as many do in riding. It is an impertinence, and if she 
 is a lady of refinement, she will resent it as such. 
 
 If you offer a seat in your carriage to a lady, or ano- 
 ther gentleman whom you may meet at a party or picnic, 
 take them home, before you drive to your own destina- 
 tion, no matter how much you may have to drive out of 
 vour own way. 
 
 Be the last to enter the carriage, the first to leave it. 
 If you have ladies with you, offer them your hand to 
 assist them in entering and alighting, and you should 
 take the arm of an old gentleman to assist him. 
 
 If offered a seat in the carriage of a gentleman friend, 
 stand aside for him to get in first, but if he waits for 
 you, bow and take your seat before he does. 
 
 When driving a lady in a two-seated vehicle, you 
 should assist her to enter the carriage, see that her dresg 
 is not in danger of touching the wheels, and that her 
 shawl, parasol, and fan, are where she can reach them, 
 before you take your own seat. If she wishes t( stop, 
 wid you remain with the horses, you should alight before 
 
72 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 she does, assist her in alighting, and again alight tc 
 help her to her seat when she returns, even if you keep 
 your place on the seat whilst she is gone. 
 
 When attending a lady in a horse-back ride, never 
 mount your horse until she is ready to start. Give her 
 your hand to assist her in mounting, arrange the folds 
 of her habit, hand her her reins and her whip, and then 
 take your own seat on your saddle. 
 
 Let her pace be yours. Start when she does, and low 
 her decide how fast or slowly she will ride. Never let 
 the head of your horse pass the shoulders of hers, and be 
 watchful and ready to render her any assistance she may 
 require. 
 
 Never, by rapid riding, force her to .ride faster than 
 she may desire. 
 
 Never touch her bridle, reins, or whip, except she par- 
 ticularly requests your assistance, or an accident, or 
 threatened danger, makes it necessary. 
 
 If there is dust or wind, ride so as to protect her from 
 it as far as possible. 
 
 If the road is muddy be careful that you do not ride 
 BO as to bespatter her habit. It is best to ride on the 
 side away from that upon which her habit falls. Some 
 ladies change their side in riding, from time to time, and 
 you must watch and see upon which side the skirt falls, 
 that, on a muddy day, you may avoid favoring the habit 
 with the mud your horse's hoofs throw up. 
 
 If you ride with a gentleman older than yourself, or 
 one who claims your respect, let him mount before you 
 jo. Extend the same courtesy towards any gentleman 
 
ETIQUETTE IN THE STREET. 73 
 
 whom you have invited to accompany you, as he is, for 
 the ride, your guest. 
 
 The honorable place is on the right. Give this to a 
 lady, an elderly man, or your guest. 
 
 A modern writer says : " If walking with a female 
 relative or friend, a well-bred man will take the outer 
 Bide of the pavement, not only because the wall-side is 
 the most honorable side of a public walk, but also be- 
 cause it is generally the farthest point from danger in the 
 street. If walking alone, he will be ready to offer as- 
 sistance to any female whom he may see exposed to real 
 peril" from any source. Courtesy and manly courage 
 will both incite him to this line of conduct. In general, 
 this is a point of honor which almost all men are proud 
 to achieve. It has frequently happened that even where 
 the savage passions of men have been excited, and when 
 mobs have been in actual conflict, women have been gal- 
 lantly escorted through the sanguinary crowd unharmed, 
 and their presence has even been a protection to their 
 protectors. This is as it should be ; and such incidents 
 have shown in a striking manner, not only the excellency 
 of good breeding, but have also brought it out when and 
 where it was least to be expected. 
 
 " In streets and all public walks, a well-bred person 
 will be easily distinguished from another who sets at de- 
 fiance the rules of good breeding. He will not, what- 
 ever be his station, hinder and annoy his fellow pedestri- 
 ans, by loitering or standing still in the middle of the 
 footway. He will, if walking in company, abstain from 
 making impertinent remarks on those he meets ; he will 
 even be careful not to appear indelicately to notice them. 
 
74 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQTETTE. 
 
 He will not take c the crown of the causeway' to himself, 
 but readily fall in with the convenient custom which ne- 
 cessity has provided, and walk on the right side~of the 
 path, leaving the left side free for those who are walking 
 in the opposite direction. Any departure from these 
 plain rules of good breeding is downright rudeness and 
 insult ; or, at all events, it betrays great ignorance or 
 disregard for propriety. And yet, how often are they 
 departed from ! It is, by no means, uncommon, espe- 
 cially in country places, for groups of working men to 
 sbstruct the pathway upon which they take a fancy to 
 lounge, without any definite object, as far as appears, 
 but that of making rude remarks upon passers-by. But 
 it is not only the laboring classes of society who offend 
 against good breeding in this way ; too many others of- 
 fend in the same, and by stopping to talk in the middle 
 of the pavement put all who pass to great inconvenience." 
 
 In meeting a lady do not offer to shake hands with 
 her, but accept her hand when she offers it for you to 
 take. 
 
 1 'In France, where politeness is found in every class, 
 the people do not run against each other in the street^ 
 nor brush rudely by each other, as they sometimes do in 
 our cities. It adds much to the pleasure of walking, to 
 be free from such annoyance ; and this can only be 
 brought about by the well-taught few setting a good ex- 
 ample to the many. By having your wits about you, 
 yoK can win your way through a thronged street without 
 touching even the extreme circumference of a balloon 
 sleeve ; and, if each one strove to avoid all contac t, it 
 would be easily accomplished." 
 
ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING. 75 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN in society must calculate to give a ccr* 
 tain portion of his time to making calls upon his friends, 
 both ladies and gentlemen. He may extend his visiting 
 list to as large a number as his inclination and time will 
 permit him to attend to, but he cannot contract it after 
 passing certain limits. His position as a man in society 
 obliges him to call, 
 
 Upon any stranger visiting his city, who brings a let- 
 ter of introduction to him ; 
 
 Upon any friend from another city, to whose hospi- 
 tality he has been at any time indebted ; 
 
 Upon any gentleman after receiving from his hands a 
 favor or courtesy ; 
 
 Upon his host at any dinner or supper party, (such 
 nails should be made very soon after the entertainment 
 given) ; 
 
 Upon any friend whose joy or grief calls for an 
 expression of sympathy, whether it be congratulation 01 
 condolence ; 
 
 Upon any friend who has lately returned from a voy- 
 age or long journey ; 
 
 Upon any lady who has accepted his services as an 
 
76 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK or ETIQUETTE. 
 
 escort, either for a journey or the return from a ball or 
 evening party ; this call must be made the day after he 
 has thus escorted the lady ; 
 
 Upon his hostess after any party to "which he has 
 been invited, whether he has "accepted or declined such 
 invitation ; 
 
 Upon any lady who has accepted his escort for an 
 evening, a walk or a drive; 
 
 Upon any friend whom long or severe illness keeps 
 confined to the house ; 
 
 Upon his lady friends on New Year's day, (if it is the 
 custom of the city in which he resides ;) 
 
 Upon any of his friends when they receive bridal 
 calls ; 
 
 Upon lady friends in any city you are visiting ; if 
 gentlemen friends reside in the same city, you may 
 either call upon them or send your card with your ad- 
 dress and the length of time you intend staying, written 
 upon it ; if a stranger or friend visiting your city sends 
 such a card, you must call at the earliest opportunity ; 
 
 Upon any one of whom you wish to ask a favor ; to 
 make him, under such circumstances call upon you, is 
 extremely rude ; 
 
 Upon any one who has asked a favor of you ; you 
 will add very much to the pleasure you confer, in grant- 
 ing a favor, by calling to express the gratification it 
 aftords you to be able to oblige your friend ; ycu will 
 Boftcn the pain of a refusal, if, by calling, and express- 
 ing your regret, you show that you feel interested in the 
 request, and consider it of importance. 
 
 Upon intimate friends, relatives, and ladies, you may 
 
ETIQUETTE FOE CALLINtj. 77 
 
 call without waiting for any of the occasions given 
 above. 
 
 Do not fall into the vulgar error of declaiming against 
 the practice of making calls, declaring it a "bore," tire- 
 some, or stupid. The custom is a good one. 
 
 An English writer says : 
 
 " The visit or call is a much better institution than 'IB 
 generally supposed. It has its drawbacks. It wastes 
 ranch time ; it necessitates much small talk. It obliges 
 one to dress on the chance of finding a friend at home ; 
 but for all this it is almost the only means of making an 
 acquaintance ripen into friendship. In the visit, all the 
 strain, which general society somehow necessitates, 13 
 thrown off. A man receives you in his rooms cordially, 
 and makes you welcome, not to a stiff dinner, but an 
 easy chair and conversation. A lady, who in the ball 
 room or party has been compelled to limit her conver- 
 sation, can here speak more freely. The talk can 
 descend from generalities to personal inquiries, and need 
 I say, that if you wish to know a young lady truly, you 
 must see her at home, and by day light. 
 
 " The main points to be observed about visits, are tho 
 proper occasions and the proper hours. Now, between 
 actual friends there is little need of etiquette in these 
 respects. A friendly visit may be made at any time, on 
 any occasion. True, you are more welcome when the 
 business of the day is over, in the afternoon rather than 
 in the morning, and you must, even as a friend, avoid 
 calling at meal times. But, on the other hand, many 
 people receive visits in the evening, and certainly this is 
 the best time to make them." 
 
78 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK or ETIQUETTE. 
 
 Any first call which you receive must be returned 
 promptly. If you do not wish to continue the acquain- 
 tance any farther, you need not return a second call, 
 but politeness imperatively demands a return of the first 
 one. 
 
 A call may be made upon ladies in the morning or 
 afternoon ; but in this country, where almost every man 
 Las some business to occupy his day, the evening is the 
 best time for paying calls. You will gain ground in 
 easy intercourse and friendly acquaintance more rapidly 
 in one evening, than in several morning calls. 
 
 Never make a call upon a lady before eleven o'clock 
 in the morning, or after nine in the evening. 
 
 Avoid meal times. If you inadvertently call 'at din- 
 ner or tea time, and your host is thus forced to invite 
 you to the table, it is best to decline the civility. If, 
 however, you see that you will give pleasure by staying, 
 accept the invitation, but be careful to avoid calling 
 again at the same hour. 
 
 No man in the United States, excepting His Excel- 
 lency, the President, can expect to receive calls unless 
 he returns them. 
 
 "Visiting," says a French writer, "forms the C(rd 
 which binds society together, and it is so firmly tied, 
 that were the knot severed, society would perish." 
 
 A ceremonious call should never extend over mors 
 than fifteen minutes, and it should not be less than ten 
 minutes. 
 
 If you see the master of the house take letters cr a 
 paper from his pocket, look at the clock, have an absent 
 air, beat time with his fingers or hands, or in any other 
 
ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING 7ft 
 
 
 
 way shoiK weariness or ennui, you may safely conclude 
 that it is time for you to leave, though you may not 
 nave been five minutes in the house. If you are host to 
 the most wearisome visitor in existence, if he stays hours, 
 and converses only on subjects which do not interest 
 you, in the least; unless he is keeping you from an 
 important engagement, you must not show the least 
 sign of weariness. Listen to him politely, endea- 
 vor to entertain him, and preserve a smiling compo- 
 sure, though you may long to show him the door. In 
 case he is keeping you from business of importance, or 
 an imperative engagement, you may, without any in- 
 fringement upon the laws of politeness, inform him of 
 the fact, and beg him to excuse you ; you must, how- 
 ever, express polite regret at your enforced want of hos- 
 pitality, and invite him to call again. 
 
 It is quite an art to make a graceful exit after a call. 
 To know how to choose the moment when you will be 
 regretted, and to retire leaving your friends anxious for 
 a repetition of the call, is an accomplishment worth ac- 
 quiring. 
 
 When you begin to tire of your visit, you may gene- 
 rally feel sure that your entertainers are tired of you, and 
 if you do not want to remain printed upon their memory 
 as " the man who makes such long, tiresome calls," you 
 \ull retire. 
 
 If other callers come in before you leave a friend's 
 parlor, do not rise immediately as if you wished to avoiM 
 them, but remain seated a few moments, and then leave, 
 that your hostess may not have too many visitors to 
 entertain at one time. 
 
80 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OP ETIQUETTE. 
 
 If you have been enjoying a tete-d-tete interview with 
 a lady, and other callers come in, do not hurry away, 
 as if detected in a crime, but after a few courteous, grace- 
 ful words, and the interchange of some pleasant remarks, 
 leave her to entertain her other friends. 
 
 To endeavor when making a call to "sit out" others 
 in the room, is very rude. 
 
 When your host or hostess urges you to stay 16ngei > 
 after you have risen to go, be sure that that is the best 
 time for departure. You will do better to go then, 
 when yon will be regretted, than to wait until you have 
 worn your welcome out. 
 
 When making a visit of condolence, take your tone 
 from your host or hostess. If they speak of their mis- 
 fortune, or, in case of death, of the departed relative, 
 join them. Speak of the talents or virtues of the de- 
 ceased, and your sympathy with their loss. If, on the 
 other hand, they avoid the subject, then it is best for 
 you to avoid it too. They may feel their inability to 
 Bustain a conversation upon the subject of their iccent 
 affliction, and it would then be cruel to force it upon 
 them. If you see that they are ma,king an effort, per- 
 haps a painful one, to appear cheerful, try to make them 
 forget for the time their sorrows, and chat on cheerful 
 eubjects. At the same time, avoid jesting, merriment, 
 or undue levity, as it will be out of place, and appear 
 heartless. 
 
 A visit of congratulation, should, on the contrary, be 
 cheerful, gay, and joyous. Here, painful subjects ^ould 
 be out of place. Do not mar the happiness of your friend 
 by the description of the misery of your own position or 
 
ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING. 81 
 
 that of a third person, but endeavor to show by joyous 
 sympathy that the pleasure of your friend is also your 
 happiness. To laugh with those who laugh, weep with 
 those who are afflicted, is not hypocrisy, but kindly, 
 friendly sympathy. 
 
 Always, when making a friendly call, send up your 
 card, by the servant who opens the door. 
 
 There are many times when a card may be left, even 
 if the family upon which you call is at home. Visits of 
 condolence, unless amongst relatives or very intimate 
 friends, are best made by leaving a card with enquiries 
 for the health of the family, and offers of service. 
 
 If you see upon entering a friend's parlor, that your 
 call is keeping him from going out, or, if you find a lady 
 friend dressed for a party or promenade, make your 
 visit very brief. In the latter case, if the lady seems 
 unattended, and urges your stay, you may offer your ser- 
 vices as an escort. 
 
 Never visit a literary man, an artist, any man whose 
 profession allows him to remain at home, at the hours 
 when he is engaged in the pursuit of his profession. 
 The fact that you know he is at home is nothing ; be 
 will not care to receive visits during the time allotted to 
 his daily work. 
 
 Never take another gentleman to call upon one of 
 your lady friends without first obtaining her permission 
 to do so. 
 
 The calls made after receiving an invitation to dinner, 
 a party, ball, or other entertainment should be made 
 within a fortnight after the civility has been accepted. 
 
 When you have saluted the host and hostess, do not 
 6 
 
82 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 take a seat until they invite you to do so, or by a motion, 
 and themselves sitting down, show that they expect you 
 to do the same. 
 
 Keep your hat in your hand when making a call, 
 This will show your host that you do not intend to re- 
 main to dine or sup with him. You may leave an um- 
 brella or cane in the hall if you wish, but your hat and 
 gloves you must carry into the parlor. In making an 
 evening call for the first time keep your hat and gloves 
 in your hand, until the host or hostess requests you to 
 lay them aside and spend the eveping. 
 
 When going to spend the evening with a friend whom 
 you visit often, leave your hat, gloves, and great coat in 
 the hall. 
 
 If, on entering a parlor of a lady friend, in the even- 
 ing, you see by her dress, or any other token, that she 
 was expecting to go to the opera, concert, or an evening 
 party, make a call of a few minutes only, and then re- 
 tire. I have known men who accepted instantly the in- 
 vitation given them to remain under these circumstances, 
 and deprive their friends of an anticipated pleasure., 
 when their call could have been made at any other time. 
 To thus impose upon the courtesy of your friends is ex- 
 cessively rude. Nothing will pardon such an acceptance 
 but the impossibility of repeating your call, owing to a 
 short stay in town, or any other cause. Even in this 
 case it is better to accompany your friends upon their 
 expedition in search of pleasure. You can, of course, 
 easily obtain admittance if they are going to a public 
 entertainment, and if they invite you to join their party 
 to a friend's house, you may without impropriety do so, 
 
ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING. 83 
 
 as a lady is privileged to introduce you to her friends under 
 Buch circumstances. It requires tact and discretion to 
 know when to accept and when to decline such an invita- 
 tion. Be careful that you do not intrude upon a party 
 already complete in themselves, or that you do not in- 
 terfere with the plans of the gentlemen who have al- 
 ready been accepted as escorts. 
 
 Never make a third upon such occasions. Neither 
 one of a couple who propose spending the evening abroad 
 together, will thank the intruder who spoils their tete-ii- 
 tete. 
 
 When you find, on entering a room, that your visit is 
 for any reason inopportune, do not instantly retire unless 
 you have entered unperceived and can so leave, in which 
 case leave immediately ; if, however, you have been seen, 
 your instant retreat is cut off. Then endeavor by your 
 own graceful ease to cover any embarrassment your en- 
 trance may have caused, make but a short call, and, if 
 you can, leave your friends under the impression that 
 you saw nothing out of the way when you entered. 
 
 Always leave a card when you find the person upon 
 whom you have called absent from home. 
 
 A card should have nothing written upon it, but your 
 Aame and address. To leave a card with your business 
 iddress, or the nature of your profession written upon 
 t, shows a shocking ignorance of polite society. Busi- 
 ness cards are never to be used excepting when you 
 iivake a business call. 
 
 Never use a card that is ornamented in any way, 
 whether by a fancy border, painted corners, or em- 
 bossing. Let it be perfectly plain, tinted, if you like, 
 
84 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 in color, but without ornament, and have your name 
 written or printed in the middle, your address, in smaller 
 characters, in the lower left hand corner. Many gentle- 
 men omit the Mr. upon their cards, writing merely their 
 Christian and surname ; this is a matter of taste, you 
 may follow your own inclination. Let your card be 
 written thus : 
 
 HENRY C. PRATT. 
 No. 217 L. street. 
 
 A physician will put Dr. before or M.D. after the 
 came, and an officer in the army or navy may add hia 
 title ; but for militia officers to do so is absurd. 
 
 If you call upon a lady, who invites you to be seated, 
 place a chair for her, and wait until she takes it before 
 you sit down yourself. 
 
 Never sit beside a lady upon a sofa, or on a chair very 
 near her own, unless she invites you to do so. 
 
 If a lady enters the room where you are making a 
 call, rise, and remain standing until she is seated. Even 
 if she is a perfect stranger, offer her a chair, if there is 
 
 none near her. 
 
 
 
 You must rise if a lady leaves the room, and remain 
 standing until she has passed out. 
 
 If you are engaged in any profession which you follow 
 at home, and receive a caller, you may, during the day- 
 time, invite him into .your library, study, or the room in 
 which you woik, and, unless you use your pen, you may 
 work while he is with you. 
 
 When you receive a visitor, meet him at the door, offer 
 a chair, take his hat and cane, and, while speaking of 
 
ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING 85 
 
 the pleasure the call affords you, show, by your manner, 
 that you are sincere, and desire a long call. 
 
 Do not let your host come with you any farther than 
 the room door if he has other visitors ; but if you arc 
 showing out a friend, and leave no others in the parlor, 
 you should come to the street door. 
 
 A few hints from an English author, will not be amisa 
 in this place. He says : 
 
 " Visits of condolence and congratulation must be 
 made about a week after the event. If you are intimate 
 with the person on whom you call, you may ask, in the 
 first case, for admission ; if not, it is better only to leave 
 a card, and make your ' kind inquiries' of the servant, 
 who is generally primed in what manner to answer 
 them. In visits of congratulation you should always go 
 in, and be hearty in your congratulations. Visits of 
 condolence are terrible inflictions to both receiver and 
 giver, but they may be made less so by avoiding, as 
 much as consistent with sympathy, any allusion to the 
 past. The receiver does well to abstain from tears. A 
 lady of rny acquaintance, who had lost her husband, was 
 receiving such a visit in her best crape. She wept pro- 
 fusely for some time upon the best of broad-hemmed 
 cambric handkerchiefs, and then turning to her visitor, 
 said : * I am sure you will be glad to hear that Mr. B. 
 has left me most comfortably provided for.' Hinc illce. 
 lawymee. Perhaps they would have been more sincere 
 if he had left her without a penny. At the same time, 
 if you have not sympathy and heart enough to pump up 
 a little condolence, you will do better to avoid it, but 
 take care that your conversation is not too gay. What* 
 
86 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE, 
 
 ever you may feel, you must respect the sorrows of 
 others. 
 
 " On marriage, cards are sent round to such people .13 
 you wish to keep among your acquaintance, and it is then 
 their part to call first on the young couple, when within 
 distance. 
 
 " Having entered the house, you take up with you to 
 the drawing-room both hat and cane, but leave an um- 
 brella in the hall. In France it is usual to leave a 
 great-coat down stairs also, but as calls are made in this 
 country in morning dress, it is not necessary to do so. 
 
 " It is not usual to introduce people at morning calls 
 in large towns ; in the country it is sometimes done, not 
 always. The law of introductions is, in fact, to force 
 no one into an acquaintance. You should, therefore, as- 
 certain beforehand whether it is agreeable to both to be 
 introduced : but if a lady or a superior expresses a wish 
 to know a gentleman or an inferior, the latter two have 
 no right to decline the honor. The introduction is of an 
 inferior [which position a gentleman always holds to a 
 lady] to the superior. You introduce Mr. Smith to Mrs. 
 Jones, or Mr. A. to Lord B., not vice versa. In intro- 
 ducing two persons, it is not necessary to lead one of 
 them up by the hand, but it is sufficient simply to pre- 
 cede them. Having thus brought the person to be intro- 
 duced up to the one to whom he is to be presented, it ia 
 the custom, even when the consent has* been previously 
 obtained, to say, with a slight bow, to the superior per- 
 sonage: 'Will you allow me to introduce Mr. ?' 
 
 The person addressed replies by bowing to the one intro- 
 duce 1, who also bows at the same time, while the intro- 
 
ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING. 8^ 
 
 ducer repeats their names, and then retires, leaving them 
 to converse. Thus, for instance, in presenting Mr. 
 Jones to Mrs. Smith, you will say, ' Mrs. Smith, allow 
 me to introduce Mr. Jones,' and while they are engaged 
 in bowing you will murmur, ' Mrs. Smith Mr. Jones/ 
 and escape. If you have to present three or four peo- 
 ple to said Mrs. Smith, it will suffice to utter their re- 
 spective names without repeating that of the lady. 
 
 " A well-bred person always receives visitors at what- 
 ever time they may call, or whoever they may be ; but 
 if you are occupied and cannot afford to be interrupted 
 by a mere ceremony, you should instruct the servant le- 
 forehand to say that you are 'not at home.' This form 
 has often been denounced as a falsehood, but a lie is no 
 lie unless intended to deceive ; and since the words are 
 universally understood to mean that you are engaged, it 
 can be no harm to give such an order to a servant. But, 
 on the other hand, if the servant once admits a visitor 
 within the hall, you should receive him at any inconveni- 
 ence to yourself." 
 
 He also gives some admirable hints upon visits made 
 to friends in another city or the country. 
 
 He says : 
 
 " A few words on visits to country houses before I quit 
 this subject. Since a man's house is his castle, no one, 
 not even a near relation, has a right to invite himself to 
 stay in it. It is not only taking a liberty to do so, but 
 may prove to bo very inconvenient. A general in vita 
 tion, too, should never be acted on. It is often given 
 without any intention of following it up ; but, if given, 
 should be turned into a special one sooner or latei . An 
 
88 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 invitation should specify the persons whom it includes, 
 and the person invited should never presume to take 
 with him any one not specified. If a gentleman cannot 
 dispense with his valet, he should write to ask leave to 
 bring a servant ; but the means of your inviter, and the 
 size of the house, should be taken into consideration, and 
 it is better taste to dispense with a servant altogether. 
 Children and horses are still more troublesome, and 
 should never be taken without special mention made of 
 them. It is equally bad taste to arrive with a wagon- 
 ful of luggage, as that is naturally taken as a hint that 
 you intend to stay a long time. The length of a coun- 
 try visit is indeed a difficult matter to decide, but in the 
 present day people who receive much generally specify 
 the length in their invitation a plan which saves a great 
 deal of trouble and doubt. But a custom not so com- 
 mendable has lately come in of limiting the visits of ac- 
 quaintance to two or three days. This may be pardona- 
 ble where the guest lives at no great distance, but it is 
 preposterous to expect a person to travel a long distance 
 for a stay of three nights. If, however, the length be 
 not specified, and cannot easily be discovered, a week is 
 the limit for a country visit, except at the house of a 
 near relation or very old friend. It will, however, save 
 trouble to yourself, if, soon after your arrival, you state 
 that you are come " for a few days," and, if your host 
 wishes you to make a longer visit, he will at once press 
 'you to do so. 
 
 " The main point in a country visit is to give as little 
 trouble as possible, to conform to the habits of your en- 
 tertainers, and never to be in the way. On this princi- 
 
ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING. 89 
 
 pie you will retire to your own occupations soon after 
 breakfast, unless some arrangement has been made for 
 passing the morning otherwise. If you have nothing to 
 do, you may be sure that your host has something to 
 attend to in the morning. Another point of good-breed- 
 ing is to be punctual at meals, for a host and hostess 
 never sit down without their guest, and dinner may bo 
 getting cold. If, however, a guest should fail in this 
 particular, a well-bred entertainer will not only take no 
 notice of it', but attempt to set the late comer as much 
 at his case as possible. A host should provide amuse- 
 ments. for his guests, and give up his time as much as 
 possible to them ; but if he should be a professional man 
 or student an author, for instance the guest should, 
 at the commencement of the visit, insist that he will not 
 allow him to interrupt his occupations, and the latter 
 will set his visitor more at his ease by accepting this ar- 
 rangement. In fact, the rule on which a host should 
 act is to make his visitors as much at home as possible ; 
 that on which a visitor should act, is to interfere as little 
 as possible with the domestic routine of the house. 
 
 " The worst part of a country visit is the necessity of 
 giving gratuities to the servants, for a poor man may 
 often find his visit cost him far more than if he had 
 stayed at home. ' It is a custom which ought to be put 
 down, because a host who receives much should pay his 
 own servants for the extra trouble given. Some peoplo 
 have made by-laws against it in their houses, but, like 
 those about gratuities to railway porters, they are seldom 
 regarded. In a great house a man-servant expects gold 
 
90 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 but a poor man should not be ashamed of offering 
 silver. It must depend on the length of the visit. The 
 ladies give to the female, the gentlemen to the male ser- 
 vants. "Would that I might see my friends without poy- 
 mg them for their hospitality in this indirect manner!'' 
 
ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL 1100M. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. 
 
 OF all the amusements open for young p( ople, non< 
 is more delightful and more popular than dancing. Lord 
 Chesterfield, in his letters to his son, says : " Dancing 
 is, in itself, a very trifling and silly thing ; but it is one 
 of those established follies to which people of sense are 
 sometimes obliged to conform ; and then they should be 
 able to do it well. And, though I would not have you 
 a dancer, yet, when you do dance, I would have you 
 dance well, as I would have you do everything you do 
 well." In another letter, he writes: "Do you mind 
 your dancing while your dancing master is with you ? 
 As you will be often under the necessity of dancing a 
 minuet, I would have you dance it very well. Remember 
 that the graceful motion of the arms, the giving of your 
 hand, and the putting off and putting on of your hat 
 genteelly, are the material parts of a gentleman's danc- 
 ing. But the greatest advantage of dancing well is, 
 that it necessarily teaches you to present yourself, to sit, 
 stand, and walk genteelly ; all of which are of real im- 
 portance to a man of fashion." 
 
 Although the days are over when gentlemen carried 
 their hats into ball rooms and danced minuets, there are 
 
1*2 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 useful hints in the quotations given above. Nothing 
 will give case of manner and a graceful carriage to a 
 gentleman more surely than the knowledge of dancing. 
 He will, in its practice, acquire easy motion, a light step, 
 and learn to use both hands and feet well. What can 
 be more awkward than a man who continually finds his 
 hands and feet in his way, and, by his fussy move- 
 ments, betrays his trouble ? A good dancer never feels 
 this embarrassment, consequently he never appears aware 
 of the existence of his feet, and carries his hands and 
 arms gracefully. Some people being bashful and afraid 
 of attracting attention in a ball room or evening party, 
 do not take lessons in dancing, overlooking the fact that 
 it is those who do not partake of the amusement on such 
 occasions, not those who do, that attract attention. To 
 all such gentlemen I would say ; Learn to dance. You 
 will find it one of the very best plans for correcting 
 bashfulness. Unless you possess the accomplishments 
 that are common in polite society, you can neither give 
 nor receive all the benefits that can be derived from so- 
 cial intercourse. 
 
 When you receive an invitation to a ball, answer it im- 
 mediately. 
 
 If you go alone, go from the dressing-room to the 
 ball room, find your host and hostess, and speak first to 
 them ; if there are several ladies in the house, take the 
 earliest opportunity of paying your respects to each of 
 them, and invite one of them to dance with you the first 
 dance. If she is already engaged, you should endeavor 
 to engage her for a dance later in the "evening, and aro 
 then at liberty to seek a partner amongst the guests. 
 
ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. 93 
 
 When you have engaged a partner for a dance, you 
 should go to her a few moments before the set for which 
 you have engaged her will be formed, that you may not 
 be hurried in taking your places upon the floor. En- 
 quire whether she prefers the head or side place in tho 
 Bet, and take the position she names. 
 
 In inviting a lady to dance with you, the words, " Will 
 you honor me with your hand for a quadrille?" or, 
 "Shall I have the honor of dancing this set with you?" 
 are more used now than " Shall I have the pleasure ?" or, 
 " Will you give me the pleasure of dancing with you ?" 
 
 Offer a lady your arm to lead her to the quadrille, 
 and in the pauses between the figures endeavor to mako 
 the duty of standing still less tiresome by pleasant con- 
 versation. Let the subjects be light, as you will be con- 
 stantly interrupted by the figures in the dance. There 
 is no occasion upon which a pleasant flow of small talk 
 is more apropos, and agreeable than in a ball room. 
 
 When the .dance is over, offer your arm to your part- 
 ner, and enquire whether she prefers to go immediately 
 to her seat, or wishes to promenade. If she chooses 
 the fcrmer, conduct her to her seat, stand near her a few 
 moments, chatting, then bow, and give other gentlemen 
 an opportunity of addressing her. If she prefers to 
 promenade, walk with her until she expresses a wish to 
 sit down. Enquire, before you leave her, whether you 
 can be of any service, and, if the supper-room is open, 
 invite her to go in there with you. 
 
 You will pay a delicate compliment and one that will 
 certainly bo appreciated, if, when a lady declines your 
 \nvitation to dance on the plea of fatigue or fear of fa- 
 
94 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK UF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 tiguc, you do not seek another partner, but remain with 
 the lady you have just invited, and thus imply that the 
 pleasure of talking with, and being near, her, is greater 
 than that of dancing with another. 
 
 Let your hostess understand that you are at her service 
 for the evening, that she may have a prospect of giving 
 Lcr wall flowers a partner, and, however unattractive 
 these may prove, endeavor to make yourself as agreeable 
 to them as possible. 
 
 Your conduct will differ if you escort a lady to a ball. 
 Then your principal attentions must be paid to her. 
 You must call for her punctually at the hour she has ap- 
 pointed, and it is your duty to provide the carriage. 
 You may carry her a bouquet if you will, this is optional. 
 A more elegant way of presenting it is to send it in the 
 afternoon with your card, as, if you wait until evening, 
 she may think you do not mean to present one, and pro- 
 vide one for herself. 
 
 When you arrive at your destination, leave the car- 
 riage, and assist her in alighting ; then escort her to the 
 lady's dressing-room, leave her at the door, and go to the 
 gentlemen's dressing-room. As soon as you have ar- 
 ranged your own dress, go again to the door of the 
 lady's room, and wait until your companion comes out. 
 Give her your left arm and escort her to the ball room ; 
 find the hostess and lead your companion to her. When 
 they have exchanged greetings, lead your lady to a seat, 
 and then engage her for the first dance. Tell her that 
 while you will not deprive others of the pleasure of 
 dancing with her, you are desirous of dancing with her 
 Vhenever she is not more pleasantly engaged, and before 
 
ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. 95 
 
 Becking a partner for any other set, see whether your 
 lady is engaged or is ready to dance again with you. 
 Tou must watch during the evening, and, while you do 
 not force your attentions upon her, or prevent others 
 from paying her attention, you must never allow her to 
 be alone, but join her whenever others are not speaking 
 to her. You must take her in to supper, and be ready 
 to leave the party, whenever she wishes to do so. 
 
 If the ball is given in your own house, or at that of a 
 near relative, it becomes your duty to see that every 
 lady, young or old, handsome or ugly, is provided with a 
 partner, though the oldest* and ugliest may fall to your 
 own share. 
 
 Never stand up to dance unless you are perfect master 
 of the step, figure, and time of that dance. If you 
 make a mistake you not only render yourself ridiculous, 
 but you annoy your partner and the others in the set. 
 
 If you have come alone to a ball, do not devote your- 
 self entirely to any one lady. Divide your attentions 
 amongst several, and never dance twice in succession 
 with the same partner. 
 
 To affect an air of secrecy or mystery when conversing 
 in a ball-room is a piece of impertinence for which nc 
 lady of delicacy will thank you. 
 
 When you conduct your partner to her seat, thank 
 her for the pleasure she has conferred upon you, and do 
 not remain too long conversing with her. 
 
 Give your partner you** whole attention when dancing 
 with her. To let your e^es wander round the room, or 
 to rnako remarks betraying your interest in others, ia 
 
96 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 not faltering, as she will not be unobservant of your 
 want of taste. 
 
 Be very careful not to forget an engagement. It ig 
 a,n unpardonable breach of politeness to ask a lady to 
 dance with you, and neglect to remind her of her promise 
 when the time to redeem it comes. 
 
 A dress coat, dress boots, full suit of black, and whito 
 or very light kid gloves must be worn in a ball room. A 
 white waistcoat and cravat are sometimes worn, but this 
 is a matter of taste. 
 
 Never wait until the music commences before inviting 
 a lady to dance with you. 
 
 If one lady refuses you, do not ask another who is 
 seated near her to dance the same set. Do not go im- 
 mediately to another lady, but chat a few moments with 
 the one whom you first invited, and then join a group or 
 gentlemen friends for a few moments, before seeking ano- 
 ther partner. 
 
 Never dance without gloves. This is an imperative 
 rule. It is best to carry two pair, as in the contact with 
 dark dresses, or in handing refreshments, you may soil 
 the pair you wear on entering the room, and will thus 
 be under the necessity of offering your hand covered by 
 a soiled glove, to some fair partner. You can slip un- 
 perceived from the room, change the soiled for a fresh 
 pair, and then avoid that mortification. 
 
 If your partner has a bouquet, handkerchief, or fan 
 in her hand, do not oifer to carry them for her. If sho 
 finds they embarrass her, she will request you to hold 
 them for her, but etiquette requires you not to notice 
 them, unless she speaks of them first. 
 
ETIQUETTE FOR THi. BALL ROOM. 97 
 
 Do not be the last to leave the ball room. It is more 
 elegant tc leave early, as staying too late gives others 
 the impression that you do not often have an invitation 
 to a ball, and must "make the most of it." 
 
 Some gentlemen linger at a private ball until all the 
 ladies have left, and then congregate in the supper-room, 
 whcro they remain for hours, totally regardless of the 
 fact that they are keeping the wearied host and his ser- 
 vants from their rest. Never, as you value your reputa- 
 tion as a gentleman of refinement, be among the number 
 of these " hangers on." 
 
 The author of a recent work on etiquette, published 
 in England, gives the following hints for those who go 
 to balls. He says : 
 
 " When inviting a lady to dance, if she replies very 
 yolitely, asking to be excused, as she does not wish to 
 dance ( l with you,' being probably her mental reserva- 
 tion), a man ought to be satisfied. At all events, he 
 should never press her to dance after one refusal. The 
 set forms which Turveydrop would give for the invita- 
 tion are too much of the deportment school to be used 
 in practice. If you know a young lady slightly, it ia 
 sufficient to s'&y to her, ' May I have the pleasure of 
 dancing this waltz, &c., with you?' or if intimately, 
 ' Will you dance, Miss A ?' The young lady who has 
 refused one gentleman, has no right to accept another 
 for that dance ; and young ladies who do not wish to be 
 annoyed, must take care not to accept two gentlemen 
 for the same dance. In Germany such innocent blun- 
 ders often cause fatal results. Two partners arrive at 
 
 the same moment to claim the fair one's hand ; she vowi 
 7 
 
98 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 she has not made a mistake ; ' was sure she was engaged 
 to Herr A , and not to Herr B ;' Herr B is equally 
 certain that she was engaged to him. The awkwardness 
 is, that if he at once gives her up, he appears to be indif- 
 ferent about it ; while, if he presses his suit, he must 
 quarrel with Herr A , unless fhe damsel is clever 
 enough to satisfy both of them ; and particularly if there* 
 is an especial interest in Herr B , he yields at last, 
 but when the dance is over, sends a friend to Herr A . 
 Absurd as all this is, it is common, and I have often 
 seen one Herr or the other walking about with a huge 
 gash on his cheek, or his arm in a sling, a few days after 
 a ball. 
 
 " Friendship, it appears, can be let out on hire. The 
 lady who was so very amiable to you last night, has a 
 right to ignore your existence to-day. In fact, a ball 
 room acquaintance rarely goes any farther, until you 
 have met at more balls than one. In the same way a 
 man cannot, after being introduced to a young lady to 
 dance with, ask her to do so more than twice in the 
 eame evening. A man may dance four or even five 
 times with the same partner. On the other hand, a 
 real well-bred man will wish to be useful, and there are 
 certain people whom it is imperative on him to ask to 
 dance the daughters of the house, for instance, and 
 any young ladies whom he may know intimately ; but 
 most of all the well-bred and amiable man will sacrifice 
 himself to those plain, ill-dressed, dull looking beinga 
 who cling to the wall, unsought and despairing. After 
 all, he will not regret his good nature. The spirits re- 
 viving at the unexpected invitation, the wall-flower 
 
ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. 99 
 
 pour out her best conversation, will dance her best, and 
 will show him her gratitude in some way or other. 
 
 " The formal bow at the end of a quadrille has gradu- 
 ally dwindled away. At the end of every dance you 
 offer your right arm to your partner, (if by mistake you 
 offer the left, you may turn the blunder into a pretty 
 compliment, by reminding her that is le bras du cceur, 
 nearest the heart, which if not anatomically true, is, at 
 least, no worse than talking of a sunset and sunrise), 
 and walk half round the room with her. You then ask 
 her if she will take any refreshment, and, if she accepts, 
 you convey your precious allotment of tarlatane to the 
 refreshment room to be invigorated by an ice or negus, 
 or what you will. It is judicious not to linger too long 
 in this room, if you are engaged to some one else for 
 the next dance. You will have the pleasure of hearing 
 the music begin in the distant ball room, and of reflecting 
 that an expectant fair is sighing for you like Marianna 
 
 " He cometh not," she said. 
 She said, " I am a-weary a-weary, 
 I would I were in bed ;" 
 
 which is not an unfrequent wish in some ball rooms. A 
 Well-bred girl, too, will remember this, and always offer 
 to return to the ball room, however interesting the con- 
 versation. 
 
 "If you are prudent you will not dance every dance, 
 nor in fact, much more than half the number on the list; 
 you will then escape that hateful redness of face at the 
 time, and that wearing fatigue the next day which are 
 wnong the worst features of a ball. Again, a gentleman 
 
100 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 must remember that a ball is essentially a lady's party, 
 and in their presence he should be gentle and delicate 
 almost to a fault, never pushing his way, apologizing if 
 he tread on a dress, still more so if he tears it, begging 
 pardon for any accidental annoyance he may occasion, 
 and addressing every body with a smile. But quite un- 
 pardonable are those men whom one sometimes meets, 
 who, standing in a door-way, talk and laugh as they 
 would in a barrack or college-rooms, always coarsely, 
 often indelicately. What must the state of their minds 
 be, if the sight of beauty, modesty, and virtue, does not 
 awe them into silence ! A man, too, who strolls down 
 the room with his head in the air, looking as if there 
 were not a creature there worth dancing with, is an ill- 
 bred man, so is he who looks bored ; and worse than all 
 is he who takes too much champagne. 
 
 " If you are dancing with a young lady when the sup- 
 per-room is opened, you must ask her if she would like 
 to go to supper, and if she says 'yes,' which, in 999 
 cases out of 1000, she certainly will do, you must take 
 her thither. If you are not dancing, the lady of th<* 
 house will probably recruit you to take in some chaperon. 
 However little you may relish this, you must not show 
 your disgust. In fact, no man ought to be disgusted at 
 being able to do anything for a lady ; it should be his 
 highest privilege, but it is not in these modern unchi- 
 valrous days perhaps- never was so. Having placed 
 your partner then at the supper-table, if there is room 
 there, but if not at a side-table, or even at none, you 
 must be as active as Puck in attending to her wants, 
 ud as women take as long to settle their fancies ID 
 
ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. 10 1 
 
 edibles as in love-matters, you had better at once get 
 her something substantial, chicken, pdte de foie f/ras, 
 mayonnaise, or what you will. Afterwards come jelly 
 and trifle in due course. 
 
 *< A young lady often goes down half-a-dozen times to 
 the supper-room it is to be hoped not for the purpose 
 of eating but she should not do so with the same part- 
 ner more than once. While the lady is supping you 
 must stand by and talk to her, attending to every want, 
 and the most you may take yourself is a glass of cham- 
 pagne when you help her. You then lead her up stairs 
 again, and if you are not wanted there any more, you 
 may steal down and do a little quiet refreshment on 
 your own account. As long, however, as there are many 
 ladies still at the table, you have no right to begin. 
 Nothing marks a man here so much as gorging at sup- 
 per. Balls are meant for dancing, not eating, and un- 
 fortunately too many young men forget this in the pre- 
 sent day. Lastly, be careful what you say and how 
 you dance after supper, even more so than before it, for 
 if you in the slightest way displease a young lady, she 
 may fancy that you have been too partial to strong fluids, 
 and ladies never forgive that. It would be hard on the 
 lady of the house if every body leaving a large ball thought 
 it necessary to wish her good night. In quitting a small 
 dance, however, a parting bow is expected. It is then 
 (hat the pretty daughter of the house gives you that 
 Bweet smile of which you dream afterwards in a goose- 
 terry nightmare of ' tum-tum-tiddy-tum,' and waltzes d 
 deux temps, and masses of tarlatane and bright eyes, 
 
102 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 flushed cheeks and dewy glances. See them to-morrow, 
 my dear fellow, it will cure you. 
 
 " I think flirtation comes under the head of morals 
 more than of manners ; still I may be allowed to say 
 that ball room flirtation being more open 'is less danger- 
 ous than any other. A prudent man will never presume 
 on a girl's liveliness or banter. No man of taste ever 
 made an offer after supper, and certainly nine-tenths of 
 those who have done so have regretted it at breakfast 
 the next morning. 
 
 " At public balls there are generally either three 01 
 four stewards on duty, or a professional master of cere- 
 monies. These gentlemen having made all the arrange- 
 ments, order the dances, and have power to change them 
 if desirable. They also undertake to present young 
 men to ladies, but it must be understood that such an 
 introduction is only available for one dance. It is better 
 taste to ask the steward to introduce you simply to a 
 partner, than to point out any lady in particular. He 
 will probably then ask you if you have a choice, and if 
 not, you may be certain he will take you to an estab- 
 lished wall-flower. Public balls are scarcely enjoyable 
 unless you have your own party. 
 
 "As the great charm of a ball is its perfect accord and 
 harmony, all altercations, loud talking, &c., are doubly 
 ill-mannered in a ball room. Very little suffices to dis- 
 turb the peace of the whole company." 
 
 The same author gives some hints upon dancing which 
 are so excellent that I need make no apology for quoting 
 them. He says : 
 
 ** * Thank you aw I do not dance,' is now a very 
 
ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. 10& 
 
 common reply from a well-dressed, handsome man, who 
 is leaning against the side of the door, to the anxious, 
 heated hostess, who feels it incumbent on her to find a 
 partner for poor Miss Wallflower. I say the reply is 
 not only common, but even regarded as rather a fine one 
 to make. In short, men of the present day don't, won't, 
 ur can't dance ; and you can't make them do it, except 
 by threatening to give them no supper. I really cannot 
 discover the reason for this aversion to an innocent 
 amusement, for the apparent purpose of enjoying which 
 they have spent an hour and a half on their toilet. 
 There is something, indeed, in the heat of a ball room, 
 there is a great deal in the ridiculous smallness of the 
 closets into which the ball-giver crowds two hundred 
 people, with a cruel indifference only equalled by that 
 of the black-hole of Calcutta, expecting them to enjoy 
 themselves, when the ladies' dresses are crushed and 
 torn, and the gentlemen, under the despotism of theirs, 
 are melting away almost as rapidly as the ices with which 
 an occasional waiter has the heartlessness to insult 
 them. Then, again, it is a great nuisance to be intro- 
 duced to a succession of plain, uninteresting young 
 women, of whose tastes, modes of life, &c., you have not 
 the slightest conception: who may look gay, yet have 
 never a thought beyond the curate and the parish, or 
 appear to be serious, while they understand nothing 
 but the opera and So-and-so's ball in fact, to be in 
 perpetual risk of either shocking their prejudices, or 
 plaguing them with subjects in which they can have no 
 possible interest ; to take your chance whether they can 
 dance at all, and to know that when you have lighted on 
 
104 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE 
 
 a real charmer, perhaps the beauty of the room, she IA 
 only lent to you for that dance, and, when that is ever, 
 and you have salaamed away again, you and she must re- 
 main to one another as if you had never met ; to feel, 
 in short, that you must destroy either your present com- 
 fort or future happiness, is certainly sufficiently trying 
 to keep a man close to the side-posts of the doorway. 
 But these are reasons which might keep him altogether 
 from a ball room, and, if he has these and other objec- 
 tions to dancing, he certainly cannot be justified in com- 
 ing to a place set apart for that sole purpose. 
 
 " But I suspect that there are other reasons, and that, 
 in most cases, the individual can dance and does dance 
 at times, but has now a vulgar desire to be distinguished 
 from the rest of his sex present, and to appear indiffer- 
 ent to the pleasures of the evening. If this be his laudable 
 desire, however he might, at least, be consistent, and 
 continue to cling to his door-post, like St. Sebastian to 
 his tree, and reply throughout the evening, 'Thank you, 
 I don't take refreshments ;' ' Thank you, I can't eat 
 supper ;' ' Thank you, I don't talk ;' ' Thank you, I 
 don't drink champagne,' for if a ball room be purga- 
 tory, what a demoniacal conflict does a supper-room pre- 
 sent ; if young ladies be bad for the heart, champagne 
 is worse for the head. 
 
 " No, it is the will, not the power to dance which is 
 wanting, and to refuse to do so, unless for a really good 
 reason, is not the part of a well-bred man. To mar the 
 pleasure of others is obviously bad manners, and, though 
 at the door-post, you may not be in the way, you may 
 be certain <W there are some young ladies longing to 
 
ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. 105 
 
 dance, and expecting to be asked, and that the hostess 
 is vexed and annoyed by seeing them fixed, like pictures, 
 to the wall. It is therefore the duty of every man wH 
 has no scruples about dancing, and purposes to appear 
 at balls, to learn how to dance. 
 
 " In the present day the art is much simplified, and 
 if you can walk through a quadrille, and perform a polka, 
 waltz, or galop, you may often dance a whole evening 
 through. Of course, if you can add to these the 
 Lancers, Schottische, and Polka-Mazurka, you will have 
 more variety, and can be more generally agreeable. 
 But if your master or mistress [a man learns better from 
 the former] has stuffed into your head some of the three 
 hundred dances which he tells you exist, the best thing 
 you can do is to forget them again. Whether right or 
 wrong, the number of usual dances is limited, and un- 
 usual ones should be very sparingly introduced into a ball, 
 for as few people know them, their dancing, on the one 
 hand, becomes a mere display, and, on the other, inter- 
 rupts the enjoyment of the majority. 
 
 " The quadrille is pronounced to be essentially a con- 
 versational dance, but, inasmuch as the figures are per- 
 petually calling you away from your partner, the first 
 necessity for dancing a quadrille is to be supplied with a 
 fund of small talk, in which you can go from subject to 
 subject like a bee from flower to flower. The next point 
 is to carry yourself uprightly. Time was when as in 
 the days of the minuet de la cour the carriage consti- 
 tuted the dance. This is still the case with the quad- 
 rille, in which, even if ignorant of the figures, you may 
 acquit yourself well by a calm, graceful carriage. Aftev 
 
106 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUEITE. 
 
 all, the most important figure is the smile, and tae feet 
 may be left to their fate, if we know what to do with 
 our hands ; of which I may observe that they should 
 never be pocketed. 
 
 "The smile is essential. A dance is supposed to 
 amuse, and nothing is more out of place in it than a 
 gloomy scowl, unless it be an ill-tempered frown. The 
 gaiety of a dance is more essential than the accuracy of 
 its figures, and if you feel none yourself, you may, at 
 \east, look pleased by that of those around you. A de- 
 lant manner is equally obnoxious. An acquaintance of 
 iiine always. gives me the impression, when he advances 
 n Tete^ that he is about to box the lady who comes to 
 meet him. But the most objectionable of all is the su 
 percilious manner. Dear me, if you really think you do 
 your partner an honor in dancing with her, you should. 
 *t least, remember that your condescension is annulled 
 *>y the manner in which you treat her. 
 
 "A lady beautiful word ! is a delicate creature, one 
 who should be reverenced and delicately treated. It is, 
 therefore, unpardonable to rush about in a quadrille, to 
 catch hold of a lady's hand as if it were a door-handle, 
 or to drag her furiously across the room, as if you were 
 Bluebeard and she Fatima, with the mysterious closet 
 opposite to you. This brusque violent style of dancing 
 is, unfortunately, common, but immediately stamps a 
 man. Though I would not have you wear a perpetual 
 simper, you should certainly smile when you take a 
 lady's hand, and the old custom of bowing in doing so, 
 is one that we may regret ; for, does she not confer an 
 honor on us by the action ? To squeeze it, on the other 
 
ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM, 107 
 
 hand, is a gross familiarity, for which you would deserve 
 to be kicked out of the room. 
 
 " l Steps,' as the chasser of the quadrille is called, be* 
 long to a past age, and even ladies are now content to 
 walk through a quadrille. It is, however, necessary to 
 keep time with the music, the great object being the 
 general harmony. To preserve this, it is also advisable, 
 where the quadrille, as is now generally the case, is 
 danced by two long lines of couples down the room, that 
 in T ete^ and other figures, in which a gentleman and lady 
 advance alone to meet one another, none but gentlemen 
 should advance from the one side, and, therefore, nono 
 but ladies from the other. 
 
 " Dancing masters find it convenient to introduce new 
 figures, and the fashion of La Trenise and the Grande 
 Ronde is repeatedly changing. It is wise to know the 
 last mode, but not to insist on dancing it. A quadrille 
 cannot go on evenly if any confusion arises from the 
 ignorance, obstinacy, or inattention of any one of the 
 dancers. It is therefore useful to know every way in 
 which a figure may be danced, and to take your cue 
 from the others. It is amusing, however, to find how 
 even such a trifle as a choice of figures in a quadrille 
 can lielp to mark caste, and give a handle for superci- 
 lious sneers. Jones, the other day, was protesting that 
 the Browns were * vulgar.' Why so? they are well- 
 bred.' * Yes, so they are.' * They are well-informed.' 
 * Certainly.' ' They are polite, speak good English, 
 dress quietly and well, are graceful and even elegant." 
 *I grant you all that.' * Then what fault can you find 
 with them ?' My dear fellow, they are people who gal- 
 
108 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 lop round in the last figure of a quadrille,' he replied,, 
 triumphantly. But to a certain extent Jones is right. 
 Where a choice is given, the man of taste will always 
 select for a quadrille (as it is a conversational dance] 
 the quieter mode of performing a figure, and so the 
 ."Drowns, if perfect in other respects, at least were want- 
 ing in taste. There is one alteration lately introduced 
 from France, which I sincerely trust, will be universally 
 accepted. The farce of that degrading little performance 
 called ' setting' where you dance before your partner 
 somewhat like Man Friday before Robinson Crusoe, and 
 then as if your feelings were overcome, seize her hands 
 and whirl her round has been finally abolished by a 
 decree of Fashion, and thus more opportunity is givet 
 for conversation, and in a crowded room you have nc 
 occasion to crush yourself and partner between the cou- 
 ples on each side of you. 
 
 "I do not attempt to deny that the quadrille, as now 
 walked, is ridiculous ; the figures, which might be grace- 
 ful, if performed in a lively manner, have entirely lost 
 their spirit, and are become a burlesque of dancing; 
 but, at the same time, it is a most valuable dance. Old 
 and young, stout and thin, good dancers and bad, lazy 
 and active, stupid and clever, married and single, cn all 
 join in it, and have not only an excuse and opportunity 
 for tcte-d-tete conversation, which is decidedly the easi- 
 sst, but find encouragement in the music, and in sornu 
 cases convenient breaks in the necessity of dancing. A 
 person of few ideas has time to collect them while the 
 partner is performing, and one of many can bring them 
 out with double effect. Lastly, if you wish to be polite 
 
ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. 10& 
 
 or friendly to an acquaintance who dances atrociously, 
 you can select a quadrille for him or her, as the case 
 may be. 
 
 " Very different in object and principle are the so- 
 called round dances, and there are great limitations as 
 to tlio?e who should join in them. Here the intention 
 is to enjoy a peculiar physical movement under peculiar 
 conditions, arid the conversation during the intervals ( f 
 rest is only a secondary object. These dances demand 
 activity and lightness, and should therefore be, as a rule, 
 confined to the young. An old man sacrifices all his 
 dignity in a polka, and an old woman is ridiculous in a 
 waltz. Corpulency, too, is generally a great impedi- 
 ment, though some stout people prove to be the lightest 
 dancers. 
 
 " The morality of round dances scarcely comes within 
 my province. They certainly can be made very indeli- 
 cate ; so can any dance, and the French cancan proves 
 that the quadrille is no safer in this respect than the 
 waltz. But it is a gross insult to our daughters and 
 sisters to suppose them capable of any but the most in- 
 nocent and purest enjoyment in the dance, while of our 
 young men I will say, that to the pure all things aro 
 pure. Those who see harm in it, are those in whoso 
 mind evil thoughts must have arisen. Honi soit qui mal 
 y pense. Those who rail against dancing are perhaps not 
 aware that they do but follow in the steps of the Romish 
 Church. In many parts of the Continent, bishops who 
 have never danced in their lives, and perhaps never 
 Been a dance, have laid a ban of excommunication on 
 waltzing. A story was told to me in Normandy of the 
 
110 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK or ETIQUETTE. 
 
 worthy Bishop of Bayeux, one of this number. A priest 
 of his diocese petitioned him to put down round dances 
 *I know nothing about them,' replied the prelate, * 1 
 Lave never seen a waltz.' Upon this the younger eccle- 
 siastic attempted to explain what it was and where m the 
 danger lay, but the bishop could not see it. 4 Will Mon- 
 Beigneur permit me to show him ?' asked the priest, 
 * Certainly. My chaplain here appears to understand the 
 subject ; let me see you two waltz.' How tho reverend 
 gentlemen came to know so much about it does not appear, 
 but they certainly danced a polka, a gallop, and a trois- 
 temps waltz. 'All these seem harmless enough.' ' Oh ! 
 but Monseigneur has not seen the worst;' and thereupon 
 the two gentlemen proceeded- to flounder through a valse 
 a deux-temps. They must have murdered it terribly, for 
 they were not half round the room when his Lordship 
 cried out, ' Enough, enough, that is atrocious, and deserves 
 excommunication.' Accordingly this waltz was forbid, 
 while the other dances were allowed. I was at a public 
 ball at Caen soon after this occurrence, and was amused 
 to find the trois-temps danced with a peculiar shuffle, by 
 way of compromise between conscience and pleasure. 
 
 " There are people in this country whose logic is a3 
 good as that of the Bishop of Bayeux, but I confess my 
 inability to understand it. If there is impropriety in 
 round dances, there is the same in all. But to the waltz, 
 which poets have praised and preachers denounced. Tho 
 French, with all their love of danger, waltz atrociously, 
 the English but little better; the Germans and Russians 
 alone understand it. I could rave through three pages 
 about the innocent enjoyment of a good waltz, its grace 
 
ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. 11 J 
 
 and beauty, but I will be practical instead, and give you 
 a few hints on the subject. 
 
 " The position is the most important point. The lady 
 and gentleman before starting should stand exactly op- 
 posite to one another, quite upright, and not, as is so 
 uoramon, painfully close to one another. If the man's 
 band be placed where it should be, at the centre of tli 
 lady's waist, and not all round it, he will have as firm a 
 hold and not be obliged to stoop, or bend to his right. 
 The lady's head should then be turned a little towards 
 her left shoulder, and her partner's somewhat less to- 
 wards his right, in order to preserve the proper balance. 
 Nothing can be more atrocious than to see a lady lay 
 her head on her partner's shoulder ; but, on the other 
 hand, she will not dance well, if she turns it in the oppo- 
 site direction. The lady again should throw her head 
 and shoulders a little back, and the man lean a very 
 little forward. 
 
 " The position having been gained, the step is tho 
 next question. In Germany the rapidity of the waltz is 
 very great, but it is rendered elegant by slackening the 
 pace every now and then, and thus giving a crescendo 
 and decresccndo time to the movement. The Russian 
 men undertake to perform in waltzing the same feat as 
 the Austrians in riding, and will dance round the room 
 vith a glass of champagne in the left hand without spill- 
 ing a drop. This evenness in waltzing is certainly very 
 graceful, but can only be attained by a long sliding step, 
 which is little practised where the i;ooms are small, and 
 people, not understanding the real pleasure of dancing 
 well, insist on dancing all at the same time. In Ger- 
 
112 GENTLEMEN S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 many they are so alive to the necessity of ample space, 
 that in large balls a rope is drawn across tne room ; its 
 two en is are held by the masters of the ceremonies pro' 
 tern., and as one couple stops and retires, another is al- 
 lowed to pass under the rope and take its place. But 
 then in Germany they dance for the dancing's sake. 
 However this may be, an even motion is very desirable, 
 ond all the abominations which militate against it, such 
 as hop-waltzes, the Schottische, and ridiculous Varso- 
 viennCj are justly put down in good society. The pace, 
 again, should not be sufficiently rapid to endanger othei 
 couples. It is the gentleman's duty to steer, and in 
 crowded rooms nothing is more trying. He must keep 
 his eyes open and turn them in every direction, if he 
 would not risk a collision, and the chance of a fall, or 
 what is as bad, the infliction of a wound on his partner's 
 arm. I have seen a lady's arm cut open in such a col- 
 lision by the bracelet of that of another lady ; and the 
 sight is by no means a pleasant one in a ball room, to 
 Bay nothing of a new dress covered in a moment with 
 blood. 
 
 " The consequences of violent dancing may be really 
 serious. Not only do delicate girls bring on, thereby, a 
 violent palpitation of the heart, and their partners ap- 
 pear in a most Disagreeable condition of solution, but 
 dangerous falls ensue from it. I have known instances 
 of a lady's head being laid open, and a gentleman's foot 
 being broken in such a fall, resulting, poor fellow ! in 
 lameness for life. 
 
 " It is, perhaps, useless to recommend flat-foot waltz- 
 ing m this country, where ladies allow themselves to be 
 
ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM 112k 
 
 almost hugged by their partners, and where men think 
 it necessary to lift a lady almost off the ground, but I 
 am persuaded that if it were introduced, the outcry 
 againft the impropriety of waltzing would soon cease. 
 Nothing can be more delicate than the way in which a 
 German hoHs his partner. It is impossible to dance en 
 the flat foot unless the lady and gentleman are quite free 
 of one another. His hand, therefore, goes no furthci 
 round her waist than to the hooks and eyes of her dress, 
 hers, no higher than to his elbow. Thus danced, tho 
 waltz is smooth, graceful, and delicate, and we could 
 never in Germany complain of our daughter's languish- 
 ing on a young man's shoulder. On the other hand, 
 nothing is more graceless and absurd than to see a man 
 waltzing on the tips of his toes, lifting his partner off 
 the ground, or twirling round and round with her liko 
 the figures on a street organ. The test of waltzing in 
 time is to be able to stamp the time with the left foot. 
 A good flat-foot waltz er can dance on one foot as well as 
 on two, but I would not advise him to try it in public, 
 lest, like Mr. Rarey's horse on three legs, he should 
 come to the ground in a luckless moment. The legs 
 should be very little bent in dancing, the body still less 
 so. I do not know whether it be worse to see a man sit 
 down in a waltz, or to find him with his head poked for- 
 ward over your young wife's shoulder, hot, red, wild, and 
 in far too close proximity to the partner of your bosom, 
 whom he makes literally tho partner of his own. 
 
 "The 'Lancers' are a revival, after many long years, 
 and, perhaps, we may soon have a drawing- room adapta- 
 tion of the Morris-dance. 
 8 
 
114 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 " The only advice, therefore, which it is necessary to 
 give to these who wish to dance the polka may be 
 summed up in one word, 'don't.' Not so with the galop. 
 The remarks as to the position in waltzing apply to all 
 round dnnces, and there is, therefore, little to add with 
 regard to the galop, except that it is a great mistake to 
 suppose it to be a rapid dance. It should be danced as 
 slowly as possible. It will then be more graceful and 
 less fatiguing. It is danced quite slowly in Germany 
 and on the flat foot. The polka-mazurka is still much 
 danced, and is certainly very graceful. The remarks on 
 the quadrille apply equally to the lancers, which are great 
 favorites, and threaten to take the place of the former. 
 The schottische, hop-waltz, redowa, varsovienne, cellarius, 
 and so forth, have had their day, and are no longer 
 danced in good society. 
 
 " The calm ease which marks the man of good taste, 
 makes even the swiftest dances graceful and agreeable. 
 Vehemence may be excused at an election, but not in a 
 ball room. I once asked a beautiful and very clever 
 young lady how she, who seemed to pass her life with 
 books, managed to dance so well. ' I enjoy it,' she re- 
 plied ; l and when I dance I give my ivhole mind to it.' 
 And she was quite right. Whatever is worth doing at 
 all, is worth doing well ; and if it is not beneath your 
 dignity to dance, it is not unworthy of your mind to 
 give itself, for the time, wholly up to it. You will never 
 enjoy dancing till you do it well ; and, if you do not 
 enjoy it, it is folly to dance. But, in reality, dancing, 
 if it be a mere trifle, is one to which great minds have 
 not been ashamed to stoop. Locke, for instance, haa 
 
ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. 
 
 written on its utility, and speaks of it as manly, which 
 was certainly not Michal's opinion, when she looked out 
 of the window and sa\v her lord and master dancing and 
 playing. Plato recommended it, and Socrates learned 
 the Athenian polka of the day when quite an old gentle- 
 man, and liked it very much. Some one has even gone 
 the length of calling it ' the logic of the body;' and 
 A Jdison defends himself for making it tho subject of a 
 liaquisition." 
 
118 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 DRESS. 
 
 BETWEEN the sloven and the coxcomb therfc is gene* 
 rally a competition which shall be the more contemptible: 
 the one in the total neglect of every thing which might 
 make his appearance in public supportable, and the 
 other in the cultivation of every superfluous ornament. 
 The former offends by his negligence and dirt, and the 
 latter by his finery and perfumery. Each entertains a 
 supreme contempt for the other, and while both are 
 right in their opinion, both are wrong in their practice. 
 It is not in either extreme that the man of real elegance 
 and refinement will be shown, but in the happy medium 
 which allows taste and judgment to preside over the 
 wardrobe and toilet-table, while it prevents too great an 
 attention to either, and never allows personal appearance 
 to become the leading object of life. 
 
 The French have a proverb, " It is not the cowl which 
 makes the monk," and it might be said with equal truth, 
 "It is not the dress which makes the gentleman," yet, 
 as the monk is known abroad by his cowl, so the true 
 gentleman will let the refinement of his mind and educa- 
 tion be seen in his dress. 
 
 The first rule for the guidance of a man, in matters 
 
DRESS. 117 
 
 of dress, should be, " Let the dress suit the occasion." 
 ft is as absurd for a man to go into the street in 
 the morning with his dress-coat, white kid gloves, and 
 dancing-boots, as it would be for a lady to promenade 
 the fashionable streets, in full evening dress, or for the 
 same man to present himself in the ball-room with heavy 
 walking-boots, a great coat, and riding-cap. 
 
 It is true that there is little opportunity for a gentle- 
 man to exercise his taste for coloring, in the black and 
 white dress which fashion so imperatively declares to bo 
 the proper dress for a dress occasion. He may indulge 
 in light clothes in the street during the warm months of 
 the year, but for the ball or evening party, black and 
 white are the only colors (or no colors) admissible, and 
 in the midst of the gay dresses of the ladies, the unfortu- 
 nate man in his sombre dress appears like a demon who 
 has found his way into Paradise among the angels^ 
 N'importe ! Men should be useful to the women, and 
 how can they be better employed than acting as a foil 
 for their loveliness of face and dress ! 
 
 Notwithstanding the dress, however, a man may make 
 himself agreeable, even in the earthly Paradise, a ball- 
 room. He can rise above the mourning of his coat, to 
 the joyousness of the occasion, and make himself valued 
 for himself, not his dress. He can make himself admired 
 for his wit, not his toilette; his elegance and refinement, 
 not the price of his clothes. 
 
 There is another good rule for the dressing-room : 
 While you are engaged in dressing give your whole 
 attention to it. See that every detail is perfect, and 
 that each article is neatly arranged. From the curl of 
 
118 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 your hair to the tip of jour boot, let all be perfect In its 
 make and arrangement, but, as soon as you have left 
 your mirror, forget your dress. Nothing betokens the 
 coxcomb more decidedly than to see a man always fuss- 
 ing about his dress, pulling down his wristbands, playing 
 with his moustache, pulling up his shirt collar^ or arrang- 
 ing the bow of his cravat. Once dressed, do not attempt 
 to alter any part of your costume until you arc again in 
 the dressing-room. 
 
 In a gentleman's dress any attempt to be conspicuous 
 is in excessively bad taste. If you are wealthy, let the 
 luxury of your dress consist in the fine quality of each 
 article, and in the spotless purity of gloves and linen, 
 but never wear much jewelry or any article conspicuous 
 on account of its money value. Simplicity should always 
 preside over the gentleman's wardrobe. 
 
 Follow fashion as far as is necessary to avoid eccen- 
 tricity or oddity in your costume, but avoid the extreme 
 of the prevailing mode. If coats are worn long, yours 
 need not sweep the ground, if they are loose, yours may 
 Btill have some fitness for your figure ; if pantaloons aro 
 cut large ovor the boot, yours need not cover the whole 
 foot, if they are tight, you may still take room to walk. 
 Above all, let your figure and style of face have some 
 weight in deciding how far you are to follow fashion. 
 For a very tall man to wear a high, narrow-brimmed 
 hat, long-tailed coat, and tight pantaloons, with a pointed 
 beard and hair brushed up from the forehead, is not 
 more absurd than for a short, fat man, to promenade the 
 street in a low, broad-brimmed hat, loose coat and pants, 
 
DRES8. 119 
 
 Mid the lattei made of large plaid material, and ^<t bur 
 lesqucs quite as broad may be met with every da;/. 
 
 An English writer, ridiculing the whims of Fashion, 
 Bays : 
 
 " To be in the fashion, an Englishman must wear six 
 pain of gloves in a day : 
 
 Cl In. the morning, be must drive his hunting wigon in 
 reindeer gloves. 
 
 "In bunting, he must wear gloves of chamois skin. 
 
 " To enter London in his tilbury, beaver skin gloves. 
 
 " Later in the day, to promenade in Hyde 1-ark, co- 
 lored kid gloves, dark. 
 
 " When he dines out, colored kid gloves, ligh. 
 
 "For the ball-room, white kid gloves." 
 
 Thus his yearly bill for gloves alone will amount tc a 
 most extravagant sum. 
 
 In order to merit the appellation of a -well-dressed 
 man, you must pay attention, not only to the more pro- 
 minent articles of your wardrobe, coat, pants, and v^st, 
 but to the more minute details. A shirtfront which fits 
 badly, a pair of wristbands too wide or too narrow, a 
 badly brushed hat, a shabby pair of gloves, or an ill-fit- 
 ting boot, will spoil the most elaborate costume. Purity 
 of skin, teeth, nails ; well brushed hair ; linen fresh and 
 snowy white, will make clothes of the coarsest material, 
 if well made, look more elegant, than the finest material 
 of cloth, if these details are neglected. 
 
 Frequent bathing, careful attention to the teeth, 
 nails, cars, and hair, are indispensable to a finished 
 toilette. 
 
120 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 Use but very little perfume, much of it is in bad 
 taste. 
 
 Let your hair, beard, and moustache, be always per 
 fechy smooth, well arranged, and scrupulously clean. 
 
 It is better to clean the teeth with a piece of sponge, 
 or very soft brush, than with a stiff brush, and there is 
 no dentifrice so good as White Castile Soap. 
 
 Wear always gloves and boots, which fit well and arc 
 fresh and whole. Soiled or torn gloves and boots ruin a 
 costume otherwise faultless. 
 
 Extreme propriety should be observed in dress. Be 
 careful to dress according to your means. Too great 
 saving is meanness, too great expense is extravagance. 
 
 A young man may follow the fashion farther than a 
 middle-aged or elderly man, but let him avoid going to 
 the extreme of the mode, if he would not be taken for 
 an empty headed fop. 
 
 It is best to employ a good tailor, as a suit of -coarse 
 broadcloth which fits you perfectly, and is stylish in cut, 
 will make a more elegant dress than the finest material 
 badly made. 
 
 Avoid eccentricity ; it marks, not the man of genius, 
 but the fool. 
 
 A well brushed hat, and glossy boots must be always 
 worn in the street. 
 
 White gloves are the only ones to be worn with full 
 dress. 
 
 A snuffbox, watch, studs, sleeve-buttons, watch-chain, 
 and one -riy *re all the jevrelry a well-dressed man can 
 wear. 
 
DRESS 121 
 
 An English author, in a recent work, gives the follow- 
 ing rules for a gentleman's dress : 
 
 " The best bath for general purposes, and one which 
 can do little harm, and almost always some good, is a 
 sponge bath. It should consist of a large, flat metal 
 ba&in, some four feet in diameter, filled with cold water. 
 Such a vessel may be bought for about fifteen shillings. 
 A large, coarse sponge the coarser the better will cost 
 another five or seven shillings, and a few Turkish towels 
 complete the ; properties.' The water should be plenti- 
 ful and fresh, that is, brought up a little while before ,tho 
 bath is to be used ; not placed over night in the bed- 
 room. Let us wash and be merry, for we know not how 
 soon the supply of that precious article which here costs 
 nothing may be cut off. In many continental towns 
 they buy their water, and on a protracted sea voyage 
 the ration is often reduced to half a pint a day for all 
 purposes, so that a pint per diem is considered luxurious. 
 Sea-water, we may here observe, does not cleanse, ind 
 a sensible man who bathes in the sea will take a bath of 
 pure water immediately after it. This practice is shame- 
 fully neglected, and I am inclined to think that in many 
 cases a sea-bath will do more harm than good withouV 
 it, but, if followed by a fresh bath, cannot but be ad- 
 vantageous. 
 
 " Taking the sponge bath as the best for ordinary pur- 
 poses, we must point out some rules in its use. The 
 Bponge being nearly a foot in length, and six inched 
 broad, must be allowed to fill completely with water, and 
 the part of the body which should be first attacked ia 
 the stomach. It is there that the most heat has co)' 
 
122 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 lected during tlie night, and the application of cola 
 water quickens the circulation at once, and sends the 
 blood which has been employed in digestion round the 
 whole body. The head should next be soused, unless 
 the person be of full habit, when the head should be at- 
 tack 3d before the feet touch the cold water at all. Some 
 persons use a small hand shower bath, which is less power- 
 ful than the common shower bath, and does almost as much 
 good. The use of soap in the morning bath is an open 
 question. I confess a preference for a rough towel, or 
 a hair glove. Brummell patronized the latter, and ap- 
 plied it for nearly a quarter of an hour every morning. 
 
 " The ancients followed up the bath by anointing the 
 body, and athletic exercises. The former is a mistake ; 
 the latter, an excellent practice, shamefully neglected in 
 the present day. It would conduce much to health and 
 strength if every morning toilet comprised the vigorous 
 use of the dumb-bells, or, still better, the exercise of the 
 arms without them. The best plan of all is, to choose 
 some object in your bed-room on which to vent your 
 hatred, and box at it violently for some ten minutes, till 
 the perspiration covers you. The sponge must then be 
 again applied to the whole body. It is very desirable 
 to remain without clothing as long as possible, and I 
 should therefore recommend that every part of the toilet 
 which can conveniently be performed without dressing, 
 should be so 
 
 " The next duty, then, must be to clean the TEETH. 
 Dentists are modern inquisitors, but their torture-rooma 
 are meant only for the foolish. Everybody is bcrn with 
 gooi teeth, and everybody might keep them good by a 
 
DKESS. 123 
 
 proper diet, and the avoidance of sweets and smoking. 
 Of the twc the former are, perhaps, the more dangerous. 
 Nothing ruins the teeth so soon as sugar in one's tea, 
 and highly sweetened tarts and puddings, and as it is le 
 premier pas qwi coute, these should be particularly 
 avoided in childhood. When the teeth attain their full 
 growth and strength it takes much more to destroy either 
 their enamel or their substance. 
 
 "It is upon the teeth that the effects of excess arc first 
 seon, and it is upon the teeth that the odor of the breath 
 depends. If I may not say that it is a Christian duty 
 to keep your teeth clean, I may, at least, remind you 
 that you cannot be thoroughly agreeable without doing 
 so. Let words be what they may, if they come with an 
 impure odor, they cannot please. The butterfly loves 
 the scent of the rose more than its honey. 
 
 "The teeth should be well rubbed inside as well as 
 outside, and the back teeth even more than the front. 
 The mouth should then be rinsed, if not seven times, ac- 
 cording to the Hindu legislator, at least several times, 
 with fresh, cold water. This same process should be re- 
 peated several times a day, since eating, smoking, and 
 BO forth, naturally render the teeth and mouth dirty 
 more or less, and nothing can be so offensive, particularly 
 to ladies, whose sense of smell seems to be keener than 
 that of the other sex, and who can detect at your first 
 approach whether you have been drinking or smoking. 
 15ut, if only for your own comfort, you should brush 
 your teeth both morning and evening, which is quite 
 requisite for the preservation of their soundness and 
 color; while, if you are to mingle with others, they 
 
124 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK or ETIQUETTE. 
 
 should be brushed, or, at least, the mouth "well rinsed 
 after every meal, still more after smoking, or drinking 
 wine, beer, or spirits. No amount of general attrac- 
 tiveness can compensate for an offensive odor in tho 
 breath; and none of the senses is so fine a gentleman, 
 none so unforgiving, if offended, as that of smell. 
 
 *' Strict attention must be paid to the condition of tho 
 nail?, and. that both as regards cleaning and cutting. 
 The former is best done with a liberal supply of soap on 
 a small nail-brush, which should be used before every 
 meal, if you would not injure your neighbor's appetite. 
 While the hand is still moist, the point of a small pen- 
 knife or pair of stumpy nail-scissors should be passed 
 under the nails so ar to remove every vestige of dirt ; 
 the skin should be pushed down with a towel, that the 
 white half-moon may be seen, and the finer skin removed 
 with the knife or scissors. Occasionally the edges of the 
 nails should be filed, and the hard skin which forms 
 round the corners of them cut away. The important 
 point in cutting the nails is to preserve the beauty of 
 their shape. That beauty, even in details, is worth pre- 
 serving, I have already remarked, and we may study it 
 as much in paring our nails, as in the grace of our atti- 
 tudes, or any other point. The shape, then, of the nail 
 should approach, as nearly as possible, to the oblong. 
 The length of the nail is an open question. Let it bo 
 often cut, but always long, in my opinion. Above all, 
 let it be well cut, and never bitten. 
 
 " Perhaps you tell me these are childish details. Do 
 tails, yes, but nH childish. The attention to details is 
 tho true sign of a great mind, and he who can in neces- 
 
DRESS. 123 
 
 Bity consider the smallest, is the same man who can com- 
 pass the largest subjects. Is not life made up of details? 
 Must not the artist who has conceived a picture, descend 
 from the dream of his mind to mix colors on a palette! 
 Must not the great commander who is bowling down na- 
 tions and setting up monarchies care for the health and 
 ccmfort, the bread and beef of each individual soldier ? 
 I have often seen a great poet, whom I knew personally, 
 counting on his fingers the feet of his verses, and fret- 
 ting with anything but poetic language, because he could 
 not get his sense into as many syllables. What if his 
 nails were dirty ? Let genius talk of abstract beauty, and 
 philosophers dogmatize on order. If they do not keep 
 their nails clean, I shall call them both charlatans. Tho 
 man who really loves beauty will cultivate it in every- 
 thing around him. The man who upholds order is not 
 conscientious if he cannot observe it in his nails. The 
 great mind can afford to descend to details ; it is only 
 the weak mind that fears to be narrowed by them. 
 When Napoleon was at Munich he declined the grand 
 four-poster of the Witelsbach family, and slept, as usual, 
 in his little camp-bed. The power to be little is a proof 
 of greatness. 
 
 " For the hands, ears, and neck we want something 
 more than the bath, and, as these parts are exposed and 
 really lodge fugitive pollutions, we cannot use too much 
 soap, or give too much trouble to their complete purifi- 
 cation. Nothing is lovelier than a woman's small, white, 
 shell-like ear ; few things reconcile us better tu earth 
 than the cold hand and warm heart of a friend ; but, to 
 eomplebe tb3 charm, the hand should be both clean and 
 
126 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 soft. Warm water, a liberal use of the nail-brush, and 
 no stint of soap, produce this amenity far more effectu- 
 ally than honey, cold cream, and almond paste. Of 
 wearing gloves I shall speak elsewhere, but for weak 
 people who are troubled with chilblains, they are indis- 
 pensable all the year round. I will add a good pre- 
 scription for the cure of chilblains, which are both a 
 disfigurement, and one of the petites miseres of human 
 life. 
 
 "'Roll the fingers in linen bandages, sew them up 
 well, and dip them twice or thrice a day in a mixture, 
 consisting of half a fluid ounce of tincture of capsicum, 
 and a fluid ounce of tincture of opium.' 
 
 " The person who invented razors libelled Nature, and 
 added a fresh misery to the days of man. 
 
 u Whatever Punch may say, the moustache and beard 
 movement is one in the right direction, proving that men 
 are beginning to appreciate beauty and to acknowledge 
 that Nature is the best valet. But it is very amusing to 
 hear men excusing their vanity on the plea of health, 
 and find them indulging in the hideous ' Newgate frill* 
 as a kind of -compromise between the beard and the 
 razor. There was a time when it was thought a pre- 
 Bumption and vanity to wear one's own hair instead of 
 the frightful elaborations of the wig-makers, and the 
 false curls which Sir Godfrey Kneller did his best to 
 ttuikc graceful on canvas. Who knows that -at some fu- 
 ture age some Punch of the twenty-first century may 
 not ridicule the wearing of one's own teeth instead of 
 the dentist's ? At any rate Nature knows best, and no 
 need be ashamed of showing his manhood in the 
 
DRESS. 127 
 
 hair of his face. Of razors and shaving, therefore, I 
 Bh all only speak from necessity, because, until everybody 
 is sensible on this point, they will still be used. 
 
 "Napoleon shaved himself. 'A born king,' said he, 
 ( has another to shave him. A made king can use his 
 own razor.' But the war he made on his chin wag very 
 different tc that he made on foreign potentates. Ho 
 took a very long tare to effect it, talking between whiles 
 to his hangers-on. The great man, however, was right, 
 and every sensible man will shave himself, if only as an 
 exercise of character, for a man should learn to live, in 
 every detail without assistance. Moreover, in most 
 cases, we shave ourselves better than barbers can do. 
 If we shave at all, we should do it thoroughly, and every 
 morning. Nothing, except a frown and a hay-fever, 
 makes the face look so unlovely as a chin covered with 
 short stubble. The chief requirements are hot water, a 
 large, soft brush of badger hair, a good razor, soft soap 
 that will not dry rapidly, and a steady hand. Cheap 
 razors are a fallacy. They soon lose their edge, and no 
 amount of stropping will restore it. A good razor needs 
 no strop. If you can afford it, you should have a case 
 of seven razors, one for each day of the we'ck, so that 
 no one shall be too much used. There are now much 
 used packets of papers of a certain kind on which to 
 wipe the razor, and which keep its edge keen, and are a 
 eubstitute for the strop. 
 
 " Beards, moustaches, and whiskers, have always been 
 most important additions to the face. In the present 
 day Uterary men are much given to their growth, and in 
 that respect show at once their taste and their vanity. 
 
128 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 Let no man be ashamed of his beard, if it be well kopt 
 and not fantastically cut. The moustache should bo 
 kept within limits. The Hungarians wear it so long that 
 they can tie the ends round their heads. The style of 
 the beard should be adopted to suit the face. A broad 
 face should wear a large, full one ; a long face is improved 
 by a sharp-pointed one. Taylor, the water poet, wrote 
 veises on the various styles, and they are almost num- 
 berless. The chief point is to keep the beard well-combed 
 and in neat trim. 
 
 " As to whiskers, it is not every man who can achieve 
 a pair of full length. There is certainly a great vanity 
 about them, but it may be generally said that foppishness 
 should be avoided in this as in most other points. Above 
 all, the whiskers should never be curled, nor pulled out to 
 an absurd length. Still worse is it to cut them close with 
 the scissors. The moustache should be neat and not too 
 large, and such fopperies as cutting the points thereof, 
 or twisting them up to the fineness of needles though 
 patronized by the Emperor of the French are decidedly 
 a proof of vanity. If a man wear the hair on his face 
 which nature has given him, in the manner that nature 
 distributes it, keeps it clean, and prevents its overgrowth, 
 he cannot do wrong. All extravagances are vulgar, 
 because they are evidence of a pretence to being better 
 than you are ; but a single extravagance unsupported is 
 perhaps worse than a number together, which have at 
 jeast the merit of consistency. If you copy puppies in 
 the half-yard of whisker, you should have their dress 
 and their manner too, if you would not appear doubly 
 absurd. 
 
DRESS. 129 
 
 " The same remarks apply to the arrangement of the 
 hair in men, which should be as simple and as natural as 
 possible, but at the same time a little may be granted to 
 beauty and the requirements of the face. For my part 
 I can see nothing unmanly in wearing long hair, though 
 undoubtedly it is inconvenient and a temptation to vanity, 
 while its arrangement would demand an amount of time 
 and attention which is unworthy of a man. But every 
 nation and every age has had a different custom in this 
 respect, and to this day even in Europe the hair is some- 
 times worn long. The German student is particularly 
 partial to hyacinthine locks curling over a black velvet 
 coat ; and the peasant of Brittany looks very handsome, 
 if not always clean, with his love-locks hanging straight 
 down under a broad cavalier hat. Religion has gene- 
 rally taken up the matter severely. The old fathers 
 preached and railed against wigs, the Calvinists raised 
 an insurrection in Bordeaux on the same account, and 
 English Roundheads consigned to an unmentionable 
 place every man who allowed his hair to grow according 
 to nature. The Romans condemned tresses as unmanly, 
 and ill France in the middle ages the privilege to wear 
 them was confined to royalty. Our modern custom was 
 a revival of the French revolution, so that in this re- 
 spect we are now republican as well as puritanical. 
 
 If we conform to fashion we should at least make the 
 best of it, and since the main advantage of short hair ia 
 its neatness, we should take care to keep ours neat. 
 This should be done first by frequent visits to the barber, 
 for if the hair is to be short at all it should be very short. 
 
 and nothing looks more untidy than long, stiff, uncurled 
 9 
 
130 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 masses slicking out over the ears. If it curls naturally 
 so much the better, but if not it will be easier to keep in 
 order. The next point is to wash the head every morn* 
 ing, which, when once habitual, is a great preservative 
 against cold. A pair of large brushes, hard or soft, as 
 your case requires, should be used, not to hammer tho 
 head with, but to pass up under the hair so as to reacb 
 the roots. As to pomatum, Macassar, and other inven- 
 tions of the hair-dresser, I have only to say that, if used 
 at all, it should be in moderation, and never sufficiently 
 to make their scent perceptible in company. Of course 
 the arrangement will be a matter of individual taste, but 
 as the middle of the hair is the natural place for a part- 
 ing, it is rather a silly prejudice to think a man vain who 
 parts his hair in the centre. He is less blamable than 
 one who is too lazy to part it all, and has always the 
 appearance of having just got up. 
 
 " Of wigs and false hair, the subject of satires and 
 sermons since the days of the Roman Emperors, I shall 
 say nothing here except that they are a practical false- 
 hood which may sometimes be necessary, but is rarely 
 successful. For my part I prefer the snows of life's 
 winter to the best made peruke, and even a bald head to 
 an inferior wig. 
 
 " When gentlemen wore armor, and disdained the use 
 of their legs, an esquire was a necessity ; and we can 
 understand that, in the days of the Beaux, the word 
 "gentleman" meant a man and his valet. I am glad to 
 Bay that in the present day it only takes one man tn 
 make a gentleman, or, at most, a man and a ninth- 
 that is, including the tailor. It is an excellent thing 
 
DRESS. 131 
 
 for the character to be neat and orderly, and, if a man 
 neglects to be so in his room, he is open to the samo 
 temptation sooner or later in his person. A dressing-case 
 is, therefore, a desideratum. A closet to hang up cloth 
 clothes, which should never be folded, and a small dress- 
 ing-room next to the bed-room, are not so easily attain- 
 able. But the man who throws his clothes about the 
 room, a boot in one corner, a cravat in another, and his 
 brushes anywhere, is not a man of good habits. The 
 spirit of order should extend to everything about him. 
 
 " This brings me to speak of certain necessities of 
 dress ; the first of which I shall take is appropriateness. 
 The age of the individual is an important consideration 
 in this respect ; and a man of sixty is as absurd in the 
 style of nineteen as a young man in the high cravat of 
 Brummell's day. I know a gallant colonel who is mas- 
 ter of the ceremonies in a gay watering-place, and who, 
 afraid of the prim old-fashioned tournure of his confreres 
 in similar localities, is to be seen, though his hair is gray 
 and his age not under five-and-sixty, in a light cut-away, 
 the i peg-top' continuations, and a turned-down collar. 
 It may be what younger blades will wear when they 
 reach his age, but in the present day the effect is ridicu- 
 lous. We may, therefore, give as a general rule, that 
 after the turning-point of life a man should eschew tho 
 changes of fashion in his own attire, while he avoida 
 complaining of it in the young. In the latter, on the 
 Other hand, the observance of these changes must de- 
 pend partly on his taste and partly on his position. If 
 wise, he will adopt with alacrity any new fashions which 
 improve the grace, the ease, the healthfulness, and the con- 
 
182 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 venience of his garments. He will be glad of greater free 
 dom in the cut of his cloth clothes, of boots with elastic sides 
 instead of troublesome buttons or laces, of the privilege 
 to turn down his collar, and so forth, while he will avoid 
 as extravagant, elaborate shirt-fronts, gold bindings on 
 the waistcoat, and expensive buttons. On the other 
 Hand, whatever his age, he will have some respect to his 
 profession and position in society. He will remember 
 hew much the appearance of the man aids a judgment 
 of his character, and this test, which has often been cried 
 down, is in reality no bad one ; for a man who does not 
 dress appropriately evinces a want of what is most ne- 
 cessary to professional men tact and discretion. 
 
 " Position in society demands appropriateness. Well 
 knowing the worldly value of a good coat, I w r ould yet 
 never recommend a man of limited means to aspire to 
 a fashionable appearance. In the first place, he becomes 
 thereby a walking falsehood ; in the second, he cannot, 
 without running into debt, which is another term for dis- 
 honesty, maintain the style he has adopted. As he can- 
 not afford to change his suits as rapidly as fashion alters, 
 he must avoid following it in varying details. He will 
 rush into wide sleeves one month, in the hope of being 
 fashionable, and before his coat is worn out, the next 
 month will bring in a narrow sleeve. We cannot, unfor- 
 tunately, like Samuel Pepys, take a long cloak now-a- 
 iays to the tailor's, to be cut into a short one, ' long 
 cloaks being now quite out,' as he tells us. Even when 
 there is no poverty in the case, our position must not 
 be forgotten. The tradesman will win neither customers 
 nor friends by adorning himself in the mode of the club- 
 
DRESS. 139 
 
 lounger, and the clerk, or commercial traveler, who 
 dresses fashionably, lays himself open to inquiries as to 
 his antecedents, which he may not care to have investi- 
 gated. In general, it may he said that there is vulgarity 
 in dressing like those of a class above us, since it must 
 be taken as a proof of pretension. 
 
 " As it is bad taste to flaunt the airs of the town 
 among the provincials, who know nothing of them, it is 
 worse taste to display the dress of a city in the quiet 
 haunts of the rustics. The law, that all attempts at dis- 
 tinction by means of dress is vulgar and pretentious, 
 would be sufficient argument against wearing city fashions 
 in the country. 
 
 " While in most cases a rougher and easier mode of 
 dress is both admissible and desirable in the country, 
 there are many occasions of country visiting where a 
 town man finds it difficult to decide. It is almost pecu- 
 liar to the country to unite the amusements of the day- 
 time with those of the evening ; of the open air with 
 those of the drawing-room. Thus, in the summer, when 
 the days are long, you will be risked to a pic-nic or an 
 archery party, which will wind up with dancing in-doors, 
 and may even assume the character of a ball. If you 
 are aware of this beforehand, it will always be safo to 
 send your evening dress to your host's house, and you 
 will learn from the servants whether others have done 
 the same, and whether, therefore, you will not be singu- 
 lar in asking leave to change your costume. But if you 
 are ignorant how the day is to end, you must be guided 
 partly by the hour of invitation, and partly by the ex- 
 tent of your intimacy with the family. I have actually 
 
134 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 known gentlemen arrive at a large pic-nic at mill-day in 
 complete evening dress, and pitied them with all my 
 heart, compelled as they were to suffer, in tight hlack 
 clothes, under a hot sun for eight hours, and dance after 
 all in the same dress. On the other hand, if you aro 
 asked to come an hour or two before sunset, after six in 
 summer, in the autumn after five, you cannot err by 
 appearing in evening dress. It is always taken as a 
 compliment to do so, and if your acquaintance with your 
 hostess is slight, it would be almost a familiarity to do 
 otherwise. In any case you desire to avoid singularity, 
 so that if you can discover what others who are invited 
 intend to wear, you can always decide on your own 
 attire. In Europe there is a convenient rule for these 
 matters; never appear after four in the afternoon in 
 morning dress; but then gray trousers are there allowed 
 instead of black, and white waistcoats are still worn in 
 the evening. At any rate, it is possible to effect a com- 
 promise between the two styles of costume, and if you 
 are likely to be called upon to dance ia the evening, it 
 will be well to wear thin boots, a black frock-coat, and 
 a small black neck-tie, and to put a pair of clean white 
 gloves in your pocket. You will thus be at least lesa 
 conspicuous in the dancing-room than in a light tweed 
 suit. 
 
 "Not so the distinction to be made according to size. 
 As a rule, tall men require long clothes some few per- 
 haps even in the nurse's sense of those words and short 
 men short clothes. On the other hand, Falitaff should 
 Deware of Jenny Wren coats and affect ample wrappers, 
 while Peter Schlernihl, and the whole race of thin men, 
 
DRESS. 135 
 
 must eschew looseness as much in their garments as their 
 morals. 
 
 " Lastly we come to what is appropriate to different 
 occasions, and as this is an important subject, I shall 
 treat of it separately. For the present it is sufficient to 
 point out that, while every man should avoid not only 
 extravagance, but even brilliance of dress on ordinary 
 occasions, there are some on which he may and ought to 
 pay more attention to his toilet, and attempt to look gay. 
 Of course, th? evonings are not here meant. For even- 
 ing dress there is a fixed rule, from which we can depart 
 only to be foppish or vulgar ; but in morning dress there 
 is greater liberty, and when we undertake to mingle with 
 those who are assembled avowedly for gayety. we should 
 not make ourselves remarkable by the dinginess of our 
 dress. Such occasions are open air entertainments, 
 fetes, flower-shows, archery-meetings, matinees, and id 
 genus omne, where much of the pleasure to be derived de- 
 pends on the general effect on the enjoy ers, and where, 
 if we cannot pump up a look of mirth, we should, at 
 least, if we go at all, wear the semblance of it in our 
 dress. I have a worthy little friend, who. I believe, is 
 as well disposed to his kind as Lord Shaftesbury himself, 
 but who, for some reason, perhaps a twinge of philosophy 
 about him, frequents the gay meetings to which he ia 
 asked in an old coat and a wide-awake. Some people 
 take him for a wit, but he soon shows that he does not 
 nspire to that character; others for a philosopher, but ho 
 is too good-mannered for that; others, poor man! pro- 
 nounce him a cynic, and all are agreed that whatever 
 he may be, he looks out of place, and spoils the general 
 
136 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 effect. I believe, in my heart, that he is the mildest of 
 men, but will not take the trouble to dress more than 
 Dncc a day. At any rate, he has a character for eccen- 
 tricity, which, I am sure, is precisely what he would wish 
 to avoid. That character is a most delightful one for a 
 bachelor, and it is generally Ccelebs who holds it, .for it 
 has been proved by statistics that there are four single 
 to one married man among the inhabitants of our mad- 
 houses ; but eccentricity yields a reputation which re- 
 quires something to uphold it, and even in Diogenes of 
 the Tub it was extremely bad taste to force himself into 
 Plato's evening party without sandals, and nothing but 
 a dirty tunic on him. 
 
 "Another requisite in dress is its simplicity, with 
 which I may couple harmony of color. This simplicity 
 is the only distinction which a man of taste should as- 
 pire to in the matter of dress, but a simplicity in ap- 
 pearance must proceed from a nicety in reality. One 
 should not be simply ill-dressed, but simply well-dressed. 
 Lord Castlereah would never have been pronounced the 
 most distinguished man in the gay court of Vienna, be- 
 cause he wore no orders or ribbons among hundreds 
 decorated with a profusion of those vanities, but because 
 besides this he was dressed with taste. The charm of 
 Brutninell's dress was its simplicity ; yet it cost him aa 
 much thought, time, and care as the portfolio of a min- 
 ister. The rules of simplicity, therefore, are the ruleg 
 of taste. All extravagance, all splendor, and all pro- 
 fusion must be avoided. The colors, in the first place, 
 must harmonize both with our complexion and with one 
 another; perhaps mot of all with the color of our hair 
 
DRESS. 187 
 
 All bright colors should be avoided, such as red, yellow, 
 sky-blue, and bright green. Perhaps only a successful 
 Australian gold digger would think of choosing such 
 colors for his coat, waistcoat, or trousers; but there are 
 hundreds of young men who might select them for their 
 gloves and neck-ties. The deeper colors are, some hovr 
 or other, more manly, and are certainly less striking. 
 The same simplicity should be studied in the avoidance 
 of ornamentation. A few years ago it was the fashion 
 to trim the evening waistcoat with a border of gold lace. 
 This is an example of fashions always to be rebelled 
 against. Then, too, extravagance in the form of our 
 dress is a sin against taste. ' I remember that long rib- 
 bons took the place of neck-ties some years ago. At a 
 commemoration, two friends of mine determined to cut a 
 figure in this matter, having little else to distinguish 
 them. The one wore two yards of bright pink; the 
 other the same quantity of bright blue ribbon, round 
 their necks. I have reason .to believe they think now 
 that they both looked superbly ridiculous. In the same 
 way, if the trousers are worn wide, we should not wear 
 them as loose as a Turk's ; or, if the sleeves are to be 
 open, we should not rival the ladies in this matter. And 
 so on through a hundred details, generally remembering 
 that to exaggerate a fashion is to assume a character, 
 and therefore vulgar. The wearing of jewelry cornea 
 under this head. Jewels are an ornament to women, 
 but a blemish to men. They bespeak either effeminacy 
 or a love of display. The hand of a man is honored in 
 working, for labor is his mission ; and the hand that 
 wears its riches on its fingers, has rarely worked 
 
138 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETIE 
 
 to win then,. The best jewel a man can wear is his 
 honor. Let that be bright and shining, well set in pru 
 dence, and all others must darken before it. But as we 
 are savages, arid must have some silly trickery to hang 
 about us, a little, but very little concession may be made 
 to our taste in this respect. I am quite serious when I 
 disadvise you from the use of nose-rings, gold anklets, and 
 hat-bands scudded with jewels; for when I see an incred- 
 ulous young man of the nineteenth century, dangling 
 from his watch-chain a dozen silly * charms' (often the 
 only ones he possesses), which have no other use than to 
 give a fair coquette a legitimate subject on which to ap- 
 proach to closer intimacy, and which are revived from 
 the lowest superstitions of dark ages, and sometimes 
 darker races, I am quite justified in believing that some 
 South African chieftain, sufficiently rich to cut a dash, 
 might introduce with success the most peculiar fashions 
 of his own country. However this may be, there are al- 
 ready sufficient extravagances prevalent among our 
 young men to attack. 
 
 " The man of good taste will wear as little jewelry as 
 possible. One handsome signet-ring on the little finger 
 of the left hand, a scarf-pin which is neither large, nor 
 showy, nor too intricate in its design, arid a light, rather 
 thin watch-guard with a cross-bar, are all that ho ought 
 to wear. But, if he aspires to more than this, he should 
 observe the following rules :- - 
 
 " 1. Let everything be real and good. False jewelry is 
 not only a practical lie, but an absolute vulgarity, since 
 its use arises from an attempt to appear richer cr grander 
 than its wearer is. 
 
DRESS. 139 
 
 "2 Let it be simple. Elaborate studs waistcoat-but- 
 tons, and wrist-links, are all abominable. The last, par- 
 tielarly, should be as plain as possible, consisting ot plain 
 gold ovals, with, at most, the crest engraved upon them. 
 Diamonds and brilliants are quite unsuitable to men, 
 whose jewelry should never be conspicuous. If you 
 happen to possess a single diamond of great value you 
 may wear it on great occasions as a ring, but no more 
 than one ring should ever be worn by a gentleman. 
 
 u 3. Let it be distinguished rather by its curiosity than 
 its brilliance. An antique or bit of old jewelry pos- 
 sesses more interest, particularly if you are able to tell 
 its history, than the most splendid production of the 
 goldsmith's shop. 
 
 "4. Let it harmonize with the colors of your dress. 
 
 " 5. Let it have some use. Men should never, liko 
 women, wear jewels for mere ornament, whatever may 
 be the fashion of Hungarian noblemen, and deposed In- 
 dian rajahs with jackets covered with rubies. 
 
 "The precious stoneo are reserved for ladies, and 
 even our scarf-pins are more suitable without them. 
 
 "The dress that is both appropriate- and simple can 
 never offend, nor render its wearer conspicuous, though 
 it may distinguish him for his good taste. But it will 
 not be pleasing unless clean and fresh. We cannot 
 quarrel with a poor gentleman's thread-bare coat, if his 
 linen be pure, and we see that he has never attempted 
 to dress beyond his means or unsuitably to his station. 
 But tho sight of decayed gentility and dilapidated fashion 
 may call forth our pity, and, at the same time prompt a 
 moral: 'You have evidently sunken;' we say to our* 
 
140 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 selves; 'But whose fault was it? Am I not led to sup- 
 pose that the extravagance which you evidently onc<? 
 revelled in has brought you to what I now sec you?' 
 While freshness is essential to being well-dressed, it wil) 
 be a consolation to those who cannot afford a hcavv 
 
 * */ 
 
 tailor's bill, to reflect that a visible newness in one's 
 clothes is as bad as patches and darns, and to remember 
 that there have been celebrated dressers who would never 
 put on a new coat till it had been worn two or three 
 times by their valets. On the other hand, there is no 
 excuse for untidiness, holes in the boots, a broken hat, 
 torn gloves, and so on. Indeed, it is better to wear no 
 gloves at all than a pair full of holes. There is nothing 
 to be ashamed of in bare hands, if they are clean, and 
 the poor can still afford to have their shirts and shoes 
 mended, and their hats ironed. It is certainly better to 
 show signs of neatness than the reverse, and you need 
 sooner be ashamed of a hole than a darn. 
 
 u Of personal cleanliness I have spoken at such length 
 that little need be said on that of the clothes. If. you 
 are economical with your tailor, you can be extravagant 
 with your laundress. The beaux of forty years back 
 put on three shirts a day, but except in hot weather one 
 is sufficient. Of course, if you change your dress in the 
 evening you must change your shirt too. There has 
 been a great outcry against colored flannel shirts in the 
 place of linen, and the man who can wear one for three 
 days is looked on as little better than St. Simeon Sty- 
 lites. I should like to know how often the advocates of 
 linen change their own under-flannel, and whether tho 
 same w ule does not apply to what is seen as to what is 
 
DRESS. 141 
 
 concealed. But while the flannel is perl aps healthier 
 as absorbing the moisture more rapidly, the linen has 
 the advantage of looking cleaner, and may therefore he 
 preferred. As to economy, if the flannel costs less to 
 wash, it also wears out sooner ; but, be this as it may, a 
 man's wardrobe is not complete without half a dozen or 
 BO of these shirts, which he will find most useful, and tea 
 times more comfortable than linen in long excursions, or 
 when exertion will be required. Flannel, too, has the 
 advantage of being warm in winter and cool in summer, 
 for, being a non-conductor, but a retainer of heat, it pro- 
 tects the body from the sun, and, on the other hand, 
 shields it from the cold. But the best shirt of all, par- 
 ticularly in winter, is that which wily monks and her- 
 mits pretended to wear for a penance, well knowing that 
 they could have no garment cooler, more comfortable, 
 or more healthy. I mean, of course, the rough hair- 
 shirt. Like flannel, it is a non-conductor of heat -, but 
 then, too, it acts the part of a shampooer, and with its 
 perpetual friction soothes the surface of the skin, and 
 prevents the circulation from being arrested at any one 
 point of the body. Though I doubt if any of my read- 
 ers will take a hint from the wisdom of the merry an- 
 chorites, they will perhaps allow me to suggest that the 
 next best thing to wear next the skin is flannel, and that 
 too of the coarsest description. 
 
 " Quantity is better than quality in linen. Neverthe- 
 less it should be fine and well spun. The loose cuff, 
 which we borrowed from the French some four years 
 ago, is a great improvement on the old tight wrist-band, 
 and, indeed, it must be borne in mind that anything 
 
142 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 which binds any part of the body tightly impedes the 
 circulation, and is therefore unhealthy as well as un- 
 graceful. 
 
 " The necessity for a large stock of linen depends on 
 a rule far bettter than Brummell's, of three shirts a day, 
 viz : 
 
 " Change your linen whenever it is at all dirty. 
 
 " This is the best guide with regard to collars, socks, 
 pocket-handkerchiefs, and our under garments. No 
 rule can be laid down for the number we should wear 
 per week, for everything depends on circumstances. 
 Thus in the country all our linen remains longer clean 
 than in town ; in dirty, wet, or dusty weather, our socks 
 get soon dirty and must be changed ; or, if we have a 
 cold, to say nothing of the possible but not probable 
 case of tear-shedding on the departure of friends, we 
 shall want more than one pocket-handkerchief per 
 diem. In fact, the last article of modern civilization is 
 put to so many uses, is so much displayed, and liable to 
 be called into action on so many various engagements, 
 that we should always have a clean one in our pockets. 
 Who knows when it may not serve us is in good stead ? 
 "Who can tell how often the corner of the delicate cam- 
 bric will have to represent a tear which, like difficult 
 passages in novels is 'left to the imagination.' Can a 
 man of any feeling call on a disconsolate widow, for in- 
 Btance, and listen to her woes, without at least pulling 
 out that expressive appendage? Can anyone believe 
 in our sympathy if the article in question is a dirty one? 
 There are some people who, like the clouds, only exist 
 to weep ; and King Solomon, though not one of them, 
 
DRESS. 143 
 
 has given thorn great encouragement in speaking of the 
 house of mournmg. We are bound to weep with tl em, 
 and we are bound to weep elegantly. 
 
 " A man whose dress is neat, clean, simple, and ap- 
 propriate, will pass muster anywhere. 
 
 u A well-dressed man does not require so much an 
 extensive as a varied wardrobe. He wants a different 
 costume for every season and every occasion ; but if 
 what he selects is simple rather than striking, he may 
 appear in the same clothes as often as he likes, as long 
 as they are fresh and appropriate to the season and the 
 object. There are four kinds of coats which he must 
 have : a morning-coat, a frock-coat, a dress-coat, and an 
 over-coat. An economical man may do well with foui 
 of the first, and one of each of the others per annum. 
 The dress of a gentleman in the present day should not 
 cost him more than the tenth part of his income on an 
 average. But as fortunes vary more than position, if 
 his income is large it will take a much smaller propor- 
 tion, if small a larger one. If a man, however, mixes in 
 society, and I write for those who do so, there are some 
 things which are indispensable to even the proper dress- 
 ing, and every occasion will have its proper attire. 
 
 " In his own house then, and in the morning, there ia 
 no reason why he should not wear out his old clothes^ 
 Some men take to the delightful ease of a dressing-gown 
 and slippers; and if bachelors, they do well. If family 
 men, it will probably depend on whether the lady or tho 
 gentleman wears the pantaloons. The best walking- 
 dress for a non-professional man is a suit of tweed of the 
 same color, ordinary boots, gloves not too dark for the 
 
144 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 coat, a scarf with a pin in winter, or a small tie of one 
 color in summer, a respectable black hat and a cane. The 
 last item is perhaps the most important, and though its 
 use varies with fashion, I confess I am sorry when I see 
 it go out. The best substitute for a walking-stick is an 
 umbrella, not a parasol unless it be given you by a lady 
 to carry. The main point of the walking-dress is the 
 harmony of colors, but this should not be carried to the 
 extent of M. de Maltzan, who some years ago made a 
 bet to wear nothing but pink at Baden-Baden for a 
 whole year, and had boots and gloves of the same lively 
 hue. He won his wager, but also the soubriquet of t Le 
 Diable enflammeV The walking-dress should vary ac- 
 cording to the place and hour. In the country or at 
 the sea-side a straw hat or wide-awake may take the 
 place of the beaver, and the nuisance of gloves be even 
 dispensed with in the former. But in the city where a 
 man is supposed to make visits as well as lounge in the 
 street, the frock coat of very dark blue or black, or a 
 black cloth cut-away, the white waistcoat, and lavender 
 gloves, are almost indispensable. Very thin boots should 
 be avoided at all times, and whatever clothes one wears 
 they should be well brushed. The shirt, whether seen 
 or not, should be quite plain. The shirt collar should 
 never have a color on it, but it may be stiff or turned 
 down according as the wearer is Byronically or Brum- 
 mellic.'illy disposed. The scarf ? if simple and of modest 
 colors, is perhaps the best thing we can wear round the 
 neck ; but if a neck-tie is preferred it should not be too 
 long, nor tied in too stiff and studied a manner. The 
 cane should be extremely simple, a mere stick in fact. 
 
DRESS. 145 
 
 with no gold head, and yet for the town not rough, thick, 
 or clumsy. The frock-coat should be ample and loose, 
 and a tall well-built man may throw it back. At any 
 rate, it should never be buttoned up. Great-coats should 
 be buttoned up, of a dark color, not quite black, longer 
 than the frock-coat, but never long enough to reach the 
 ankles. If you have visits to make you should do away 
 with the great-coat, if the weather allows you to do so. 
 The frock-coat, or black cut-away, with a white waist- 
 coat in summer, is the best dress for making calls in. 
 
 " It is simple nonsense to talk of modern civilization, 
 and rejoice that the cruelties of the dark ages can never 
 oe perpetrated in these days and this country. I main- 
 tain that they are perpetrated freely, generally, daily, 
 with the consent -of the wretched victim himself, in the 
 compulsion to wear evening clothes. Is there anything 
 at once more comfortless or more hideous ? Let us begin 
 with what the delicate call limb-covers, which we are 
 told were tho invention of the Gauls, but I am inclined 
 to think, of a much worse race, for it is clearly an ana- 
 chronism to ascribe the discovery to a Venetian called 
 Piantaleone, and it can only have been Inquisitors or 
 demons who inflicted this scourge on the race of man, 
 and his ninth-parts, the tailors, for I take it that both 
 are equally bothered by the tight pantaloon. Let us 
 pause awhile over this unsightly garment, and console 
 ourselves with the reflection that as every country, and 
 almost every year, has a different fashion in its make of 
 it, we may at last be emancipated from it altogether, or 
 at least be able to wear it d la Turque 
 
 " But it is not all trousers that I rebel against. IS 
 10 
 
146 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 I miglit wear linen appendices in summer, and fur con* 
 tinuations in winter, I would not groan, but it is the 
 evening-dress that inflicts on the man who likes society 
 the necessity of wearing the same trying cloth all the 
 year round, so that under Boreas he catches colds, and 
 under the dog-star he melts. This unmentionable, but 
 most necessary disguise of the l human form divine,' is 
 one that never varies in this country, and therefore I 
 must lay down the rule : 
 
 " For all evening wear -black cloth trousers. 
 
 "But the tortures of evening dress do not end with 
 our lower limbs. Of all the iniquities perpetrated under 
 the Reign of Terror, none has lasted so long as that of 
 the strait-jacket, which was palmed off on the people as 
 a l habit de compagnie.' If it were necessary to sing a 
 hymn of praise to Robespierre, Marat, and Co., I would 
 rather take the guillotine as my subject to extol than tho 
 swallow tail. And yet we endure the stiffness, unsight- 
 liness, uncomfortableness, and want of grace of the lat- 
 ter, with more resignation than that with which Char- 
 lotte Corday put her beautiful neck into the ' trou d'en- 
 fer' of the former. Fortunately modern republicanism 
 has triumphed over ancient etiquette, and the tail-coat 
 of to-day is looser and more easy than it was twenty 
 years ago. I can only say, let us never strive to make 
 it bearable, till we have abolished it. Let us abjure 
 such vulgarities as silk collars, white silk linings, and so 
 forth, which attempt to beautify this monstrosity, as a 
 hangman might wreathe his gallows with roses. The 
 plainer the manner in which you wear your misery, the 
 better. 
 
DRESS. 117 
 
 "Then, again, the black waistcoat, stiff, tight, and 
 comfortless. Fancy Falstaff in a ball-dress such as we 
 now wear. No amount of embroidery, gold-trimmings, 
 or jewel-buttons will render such an infliction grateful 
 to the mass. The best plan is to wear thorough mourn- 
 ing for your wretchedness. In France and America, 
 the cooler white waistcoat is admitted. However, as wo 
 nave it, let us make the best of it, and not parade our 
 misery by hideous ornamentation. The only evening 
 waistcoat for all purposes for a man of taste is one of 
 simple black, with the simplest possible buttons. 
 
 " These three items never vary for dinner-party, muf- 
 fin-worry, or ball. The only distinction allowed is in the 
 neck-tie. For dinner, the opera, and balls, this must be 
 white, and the smaller the better. It should be too, of 
 a washable texture, not silk, nor netted, nor hanging 
 down, nor of any foppish production, but a simple, white 
 tie, without embroidery. The black tie is admitted for 
 evening parties, and should be equally simple. The 
 shirt-front, which figures under the tie should be plain, 
 with unpretending small plaits. The glove must be 
 white, not yellow. Recently, indeed, a fashion has 
 sprung up of wearing lavender gloves in the evening. 
 They are economical, and as all economy is an abomina- 
 tion, must be avoided. Gloves sh;uld always be worn 
 at a ball. At a dinner-party in town they should bo 
 worn on entering the room, and drawn off for dinner. 
 While, on the one hand, we must avoid the awkwardness 
 of a gallant sea-captain who, wearing no gloves at a 
 dance, excused himself to his partner by saying, 'Never 
 mind, miss, I can wash my hands when I've done danc- 
 
148 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 ing,' we have no need, in tlie present day, to copy cne 
 Roman gentleman mentioned by Athenseus, who wore 
 gloves at dinner that he might pick his meat from the 
 hot dishes more rapidly than the bare-handed guests. 
 As to gloves at tea-parties and so forth, we are generally 
 safer with than without them. If it is quite a small 
 party, we may leave them in our pocket, and in tho 
 CDuntry they are scarcely expected to be worn ; but 
 'touch not a cat but with a glove;' you are always safer 
 with them. 
 
 "I must not quit this subject without assuring myself 
 that my reader knows more about it now than he did be- 
 fore. In fact I have taken one thing for granted, viz., 
 that he knows what it is to be dressed, and what un- 
 dr^ssed. Of course I do not suppose him to be in the 
 blissful state of ignorance on the subject once enjoyed 
 by our first parents. I use the words l dressed' and 'un- 
 dressed' rather in the sense meant by a military tailor, 
 or a cook with reference to a salad. You need not be 
 shocked. I am one of those people who wear spectacles 
 for fear of seeing anything with the naked eye. I am 
 the soul of scrupulosity. But I am wondering whether 
 everybody arranges his wardrobe as our ungrammatical 
 nurses used to do ours, under the heads of ' best, second- 
 best, third-best,' and so on, and knows what things ought 
 to be placed under each. To be 'undressed' is to be 
 dressed for work and ordinary occupations, to wear a 
 coat which you do not fear to spoil, and a neck-tie whicn 
 your ink-stand will not object to, but your acquaintance 
 might. To be 'dressed,' on the other hand, since by 
 dress we show our respect for society at large, or the 
 
DRESS. 
 
 persons with whom we are to mingle, is to be clothed in 
 the garments which the said society pronounces as suit- 
 able to particular occasions; so that evening dress in the 
 morning, morning dress in the evening, and top boots 
 and a red coat for walking, may all be called * undress,' 
 if not positively 'bad dress.' But there are shades of 
 being * dressed;' and a man is called 'little dressed, 1 
 'well dressed,' and l much dressed,' not according to the 
 quantity but the quality of his coverings. 
 
 "To be 'little dressed,' is to wear old things, of a 
 make that is no longer the fashion, having no pretension 
 to elegance, artistic beauty, or ornament. It is also to 
 wear lounging clothes on occasions which demand some 
 amount of precision. To be 'much dressed' is to be in 
 the extreme of the fashion, with bran new clothes, 
 jewelry, and ornaments, with a touch of extravagance 
 and gaiety in your colors. Thus to wear patent leather 
 boots and yellow gloves in a quiet morning stroll is to 
 be much dressed, and certainly does not differ immensely 
 from being badly dressed. To be ' well dressed' is the 
 happy medium between these two, which is not given to 
 every one to hold, inasmuch as good taste is rare, and is 
 a sine qud non thereof. Thus while you avoid ornament 
 and all fastness, you must cultivate fashion, that is good 
 fashion, in the make of your clothes. A man must not 
 be made by his tailor, but should make him, educate him, 
 give him his own good taste. To be well dressed is to 
 be dressed precisely as the occasion, place, weather, your 
 height, figure, position, age, and, remember it, your 
 means require. It is to be clothed without peculiarity, 
 pretension, or eccentricity ; without violent vC/brs, elab- 
 
150 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 orate ornament, or senseless fashions, introduced, often, 
 by tailors for their own profit. Good dressing is to wear 
 as little jewelry as possible, to be scrupulously neat, 
 clean, and fresh, and to carry your clothes as if you did 
 not give them a thought. 
 
 "Then, too, there is a scale of honor among clothes, 
 which must not be forgotten. Thus, a new coat is moro 
 honorable than an old one, a cut-away or shooting-coat 
 than a dressing-gown, a frock-coat than a cut-away, a 
 dark blue frock-coat than a black frock-coat, a tail-coat 
 than a frock-coat. There is no honor at all in a blue 
 tail-coat, however, except on a gentleman of eighty, ac- 
 companied with brass buttons and a buff waistcoat. 
 There is more honor in an old hunting-coat than in a 
 new one, in a uniform with a bullet hole in it than one 
 without, in a fustian jacket and smock-frock than in a 
 frock-coat, because they are types of labor, which is far 
 more honorable than lounging. Again, light clothes aro 
 generally placed above dark ones, because they cannot 
 be so long worn, and are, therefore, proofs of ex- 
 penditure, alias money, which in this world is a com- 
 modity more honored than every other; but, on the other 
 hand, tasteful dress is always more honorable than that 
 which has only cost much. Light gloves are more es- 
 teemed than dark ones, and the prince of glove-colors is, 
 undeniably, lavender. 
 
 '"I should say Jones was a fast man,' said a friend to 
 me one day, 'for he wears a white hat.' If this idea of 
 rny companion's be right, fastness may be said to consist 
 mainly in peculiarity. There is certainly only one step 
 from the sublimity of fastness to the ridiculousness of 
 
DRESS. 151 
 
 Enobberry, and it is not always easy to say where the 
 one ends and the other begins. A dandy ? on the other 
 hand, is the clothes on a man, not a man in clothes, a 
 living lay figure who displays much dress, and is quite 
 satisfied if you praise it without taking heed of him. A 
 bear is in the opposite extreme; never dressed enough, 
 and always very roughly ; but he is almost as bad as tho 
 other, for he sacrifices everything to his ease and com- 
 fort. The off-hand style of dress only suits an off-hand 
 character. It was, at one time, the fashion to affect a 
 certain negligence, which was called poetic, and supposed 
 to be the result of genius. An ill-tied, if not positively 
 untied cravat was a sure sign of an unbridled imagina- 
 tion ; and a waistcoat was held together by one button 
 only, as if the swelling soul in the wearer's bosom had 
 burst all the rest. If, in addition to this, the hair was 
 unbrushed and curly, you were certain of passing for a 
 'man of soul.' I should not recommend any young gen- 
 tleman to adopt this style, unless, indeed, he can mouth 
 a great deal, and has a good stock of quotations from 
 the poets. It is of no use to show me the clouds, urtles3 
 I can positively see you in them, and no amount of ne- 
 gligence in your dress and person will convince me ycu 
 are a genius, unless you produce an octavo volume of 
 poems published by yourself. I confess I am glad that 
 the neglige style, so common in novels of ten years back, 
 has been succeeded by neatness.- What we want is real 
 ease in the clothes, and, for my part, I should rejoice to 
 Bee the Knickerbocker style generally adopted. 
 
 "Besides the ordinary occasions treated of before, 
 there are several special occasions requiring a change 
 
152 GENTLEMEN S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 of dress. Most of our sports, together -with marriage 
 (which some people include in sports), come under this 
 head. Now, the less change we make the better in the 
 present day, particularly in the sports, where, if we are 
 dressed with scrupulous accuracy, we are liable to be 
 subjected to a comparison between our clothes and our 
 skill. A man who wears a red coat to hunt in, should 
 be able to hunt, and not sneak through gates or dodge 
 over gaps. A few remarks on dresses worn in different 
 sports may be useful. Having laid down the rule that a 
 strict accuracy of sporting costume is no longer in good 
 taste, we can dismiss shooting and fishing at once, with 
 the warning that we must not dress well for either. An 
 old coat with large pockets, gaiters in one case, and, if 
 necessary, large boots in the other, thick shoes at any 
 rate, a wide-awake, and a well-filled bag or basket at 
 the end of the day, make up a most respectable sports- 
 man of the lesser kind. Then for cricket you want 
 nothing more unusual than flannel trousers, which should 
 bo quite -plain, unless your club has adopted some colored 
 stripe thereon, a colored flannel shirt of no very violent 
 hue, the same colored cap, shoes with spikes in them, 
 and a great coat. 
 
 " For hunting, lastly, you have to make more change, 
 if only to insure your own comfort and safety. Thus 
 cord-breeches and some kind of boots are indispensable. 
 So are spurs, so a hunting-whip or crop ; so too, if you 
 do not wear a hat, is the strong round cap that is to 
 save your valuable skull from cracking if you are thrown 
 on your head. Again, I should pity the man who wou'd 
 attempt to hunt in a frock-coat or a dress -coat; ant* 
 
DRESS. 153 
 
 scarf with a pin in it is much more convenient than a 
 tie. But heyond these you need nothing out of the com- 
 mon way, but a pocketful of money. The red coat, for 
 instance, is only worn by regular members of a h"unt, and 
 boys who ride over the hounds and like to display their 
 'pinks.' In any case you are better with an ordinary 
 riding-coat of dark color, though undoubtedly the red is 
 prettier in the field. If you will wear the latter, see 
 that it is cut square, for the swallow-tail is obsolete, and 
 ivorn only by the fine old boys who * hunted, sir, fifty 
 years ago, sir, when I was a boy of fifteen, sir. Those 
 ivere hunting days, sir; such runs and such leaps.' 
 Again, your ' cords' should be light in color and fine in 
 quality ; your waistcoat, if with a red coat, quite light 
 too ; your scarf of cashmere, of a buff color, and fastened 
 with a small simple gold pin ; your hat should be old, 
 and your cap of dark green or black velvet, plated in- 
 side, and with a small stiff peak, should be made to look 
 old. Lastly, for a choice of boots. The Hessians are 
 more easily cleaned, and therefore less expensive to keep ; 
 the ' tops' are more natty. Brummell, who cared more 
 for the hunting-dress than the hunting itself, intro- 
 duced the fashion of pipe-claying the tops of the latter, 
 but the old original 'mahoganies,' of which the upper 
 leathers are simply polished, seem to be coming into 
 fashion again." 
 
154 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 MANLY EXERCISES. 
 
 BODILY exercise is one of the most important means 
 provided by nature for the maintenance of health, and 
 in order to prove the advantages of exercise, we must 
 show what is to be exercised, why exercise is necessary, 
 and the various modes in which it may be taken. 
 
 The human body may be regarded as a wonderful 
 machine, the various parts of which are so wonderfully 
 adapted to each other, that if one be disturbed all must 
 suffer. The bones and muscles are the parts of the hu- 
 man frame on which motion depends. There are four 
 hundred muscles in the body ; each one has certain 
 functions to perform, which cannot be disturbed without 
 danger to the whole. They assist the tendons in keep- 
 ing the bones in their places, and put them in motion. 
 Whether we walk or run, sit or stoop, bend the arm 01 
 head, or chew our food, we maybe said to open and shut 
 a number of hinges, or ball and socket joints. And it 
 is a wise provision of nature, that, to a certain extent, 
 tlie more the muscles are exercised, the stronger do they 
 become ; hence it is that laborers and artisans are 
 itronger and more muscular than those persons whose 
 
MANLY EXERCISES. 156 
 
 lives are passed in easy occupations or professional du- 
 ties. 
 
 Besides strengthening the limbs, muscular exercise 
 has a most beneficial influence on respiration and the 
 circulation of the blood. The larger blood-vessels are 
 generally placed deep among the muscles, consequently 
 when the latter are put into motion, the blood is driven 
 through the arteries and veins with much greater rapi- 
 dity than when there is no exercise ; it is more com- 
 pletely purified, as the action of the insensible perspira- 
 tion is promoted, which relieves the blood of many irri- 
 tating matters, chiefly carbonic acid and certain salts, 
 taken up in its passage through the system, and a feel- 
 ing of lightness and cheerfulness is diffused over body 
 and mind. 
 
 We have said that a good state of health depends in a 
 great measure on the proper exercise of all the muscles. 
 But on looking at the greater portion of our industrial 
 population, artisans and workers in factories generally 
 we find them, in numerous instances, standing or sit- 
 ting in forced or unnatural positions, using only a few 
 of their muscles, while the others remain, comparatively 
 speaking, unused or inactive. Sawyers, filers, tailors, 
 and many others may be easily recognized as they walk 
 the streets, by the awkward movement and bearing im- 
 pressed upon them by long habit. The stooping posi- 
 tion especially tells most fatally upon the health ; weavers, 
 shoemakers, and cotton-spinners have generally a sallow 
 and sickly appearance, very different from that of those 
 whose occupation does not require them to stoop, or to 
 remain long in a hurtful posture. Their common affeo- 
 
156 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 tions are indigestion and dull headache, with giddiness 
 especially during summer. They attribute their com- 
 plaints to two causes, one of which is the posture of the 
 body, bent for twelve or thirteen hours a day, the other 
 the heat of the working-room. 
 
 Besides the trades above enumerated, there are many 
 others productive of similar evils by the position into 
 which they compel workmen, or by the close and con- 
 fined places in which they are carried on : and others, 
 again, in their very natures injurious. Plumbers and 
 painters suffer from the noxious materials which they are 
 constantly using, grinders and filers from dust, and 
 bakers from extremes of temperature and irregular hours. 
 Wherever there is physical depression, there is a disposi- 
 tion to resort to injurirus stimulants ; and " the time of 
 relief from work is generally spent, not in invigorating 
 the animal frame, but in aggravating complaints, and 
 converting functional into.. organic disease." 
 
 But there are others who suffer from artificial poisons 
 and defective exercise as well as artisans and operatives 
 the numerous class of shopkeepers; the author above 
 quoted says, "Week after week passes without affording 
 them one pure inspiration. Often, also, they have not 
 exercise even in the open air of the town ; a furlong's 
 walk to church on Sunday being the extent of their 
 rambles. When they have the opportunity they want 
 the inclination for exercise. The father is anxious about 
 his trade or his family, the mother is solicitous about hor 
 children. Each has little taste for recreation or amuse- 
 ment. The various disorders, generally known under 
 the name of indigestion, disorders dependant on a want 
 
MANLY EXERCISES. 157 
 
 of circulation of blood through the bowels, biliary de- 
 rangements, and headache, are well known to be the 
 general attendants on trade, closely pursued. Indeed, 
 in almost every individual, this absorbing principle pro- 
 duces one or other of the various maladies to which I 
 have alluded. 
 
 The great remedy for the evils here pointed out is 
 bodily exercise, of some kind, every day, and as much 
 as possible in the open air. An opinion prevails that an 
 occasional walk is sufficient to maintain the balance of 
 health; but if the intervals of inaction be too long, the 
 good effect of one walk is lost before another is taken. 
 Regularity and sufficiency are to be as much regarded 
 in exercise as in eating or sleeping. Sir James Clark 
 says, that "the exercise which is to benefit the system 
 generally, must be in the open air, and extend to the 
 whole muscular system. Without regular exercise out 
 of doors, no young person can continue long healthy ; 
 and it is the duty of parents in fixing their children at 
 boarding schools to ascertain that sufficient time is occu- 
 pied daily in this way. They may be assured that at- 
 tention to this circumstance is quite as essential to the 
 moral and physical health of their children, as any 
 branch of education which they may be taught." 
 
 Exercise, however, must be regulated by certain rules, 
 iLe principal of which is, to avoid carrying it to excess 
 to proportion it always to the state of health and habit 
 *f the individual. Persons of short breath predisposed 
 to determination of blood to the head, subject to palpi- 
 tation of the heart, or general weakness, are not to be 
 lieve that a course of severe exercise will do them good; 
 
158 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 on the contrary, many serious results often follow ovor 
 fatigue. For the same reason it is desirable to avoid ac- 
 tive exertion immediately after a full meal, as the foun- 
 dation of heart diseases is sometimes laid by leaping or 
 running after eating. The great object should be so to 
 blend exercise and repose, as to ensure the highest pos- 
 sible amount of bodily vigor. It must be recollected 
 that exhausted muscles can be restored only by the most 
 perfect rest. 
 
 In the next place, it is a mistake to consider the labor 
 of the day as equivalent to exercise. Work, generally 
 speaking, is a mere routine process, carried on with but 
 little variety of circumstances, in a confined atmosphere, 
 and in a temperature frequently more exhaustive than 
 restorative. The workman requires something more 
 than this to keep him in health; he must have exercise 
 as often as possible in the open air, in fields, parks, or 
 pleasure grounds; but if these are not at his Command, 
 the streets of the town are always open to him, and a 
 walk in these is better than no walk at all. The mere 
 change of scene is beneficial, and in walking he gen^r?Hy 
 sets in motion a different set of muscles from tho*) ha 
 lias used while at work. 
 
 To derive the greatest amount of good from exerciso, 
 it must be combined with amusement, and be made 
 plcasurcable and recreative. This important fact ought 
 never to be lost sight of, since to ignorance of it alone 
 \ve owe many of the evils which afflict society. And it 
 would be well if those who have been accustomed to look 
 on social amusements as destructive of the morals of the 
 people, would consider how much good may be done by 
 
MANLY EXERCISES. 15$ 
 
 giving the mind a direction which, while promotive of 
 health, would fill it with cheerfulness and woan it from 
 debasing habits. The character of our sports at the 
 presen; time, partake but little of the robust and bois- 
 terous spirit of our forefathers ; but with the refinement 
 of amusements, the opportunity for enjoying them haj 
 been grievously diminished. Cheering signs of a better 
 state of things are, however, visible in many quarters, 
 and we trust that the good work will be carried on until 
 the whole of our population shall be in possession of the 
 means and leisure for pleasurable recreation. 
 
 While indulging in the recreative sports which are to 
 restore and invigorate us, we must be mindful of the 
 many points of etiquette and kindness which will do 
 much, if properly attended to, to promote the enjoyment 
 of our exercise, and we propose to review the principal 
 exercises used among us, and to point out in what places 
 the delicate and gentlemanly attention to our companions 
 will do the most to establish, for the person who practices 
 them, the reputation of a polished gentleman. 
 
 RIDING. 
 
 There are no amusements, probably, which give us so 
 wide a scope for the rendering of attention to a friend 
 as riding and driving. Accompanied, as we may bo at 
 any time, by timid companions, the power to convince 
 them, by the management of the horse we ride, and the 
 watch kept at the same time on theirs, that we arc com- 
 petent to act the part of companion and guardian, will 
 enable us to impart to them a great degree of reliance ofc 
 
100 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 us, and will, by lessening their fear do much to enhance 
 the enjoyment of the excursion. 
 
 With ladies, in particular, a horseman cannot be too 
 careful to display a regard for the fears of their com- 
 panions, and by a constant watch on all the horses in the 
 cavalcade, to show at once his ability and willingness to 
 assist his companions. 
 
 There are few persons, comparatively speaking, even 
 among those who ride often, who can properly assist a 
 lady in mounting her horse. An over-anxiety to help a 
 lady as gracefully as possible, generally results in a ner- 
 vous trembling effort which is exceedingly disagreeable 
 to the lady, and, at the same time, dangerous ; for were 
 the horse to shy or start, he could not be so easily 
 quieted by a nervous man as by one who was perfectly 
 cool. In the mount the lady must gather her skirt into 
 her left hand, and stand close to the horse, her face to- 
 ward his head, and her right hand resting on the pommel. 
 The gentleman, having asked permission to assist her, 
 stands at the horse's shoulder, facing the lady, and stoop- 
 ing low, he places his right hand at a proper elevation 
 from the ground. The lady then places her left foot on 
 the gentleman's palm, and as he raises his hand she 
 springs slightly on her right foot, and thus peaches the 
 sadile. The gentleman must not jerk his hand upward, 
 tut lift it with a gentle motion. This method of mount- 
 ing 13 preferable to a step or horse-block. Keep a, firm 
 hai:d, for a sinking foot-hold will diminish the confidence 
 of a lady in her escort, and, in many cases <;ause her 
 unnecessary alarm while mounting. To any one who is 
 likely to be called on to act as cavaJier to ladies in horse* 
 
MANLY EXERCISES. 1G1 
 
 back excursions, we would recommend the following 
 practice : Saddle a horse with a side saddle, and ask a 
 gentleman friend to put on the skirt of a lady's habit, 
 und with him, practice the mounting and dismounting 
 until you have thoroughly conquered any difficulties you 
 may have experienced at first : 
 
 After the scat is first taken by the lady, the gentle- 
 man should always stand at the side of the lady's hor,30 
 until she is firmly fixed in the saddle, has a good foot- 
 hold on the stirrup, and has the reins and whip well in 
 hand. Having ascertained that his companion is firmly 
 and comfortably fixed in the saddle, the gentleman 
 should mount his horse and take his riding position on 
 the right or "off" side of the lady's horse, so that, in 
 case of the horse's shying in such a way as to bring him 
 against the other horse, the lady will suifer no incon- 
 venience. In riding with two ladies there are two rules 
 in regard to the gentleman's position. 
 
 If both ladies are good riders, they should ride side 
 by side, the ladies to the left ; but, if the contrary should 
 be the case, the gentleman should ride between the ladies 
 in order to be ready in a moment to assist either in case 
 of one of the horses becoming difficult to manage. Be- 
 fore allowing a lady to mount, the entire furniture of 
 her horse should be carefully examined by her escort. 
 The saddle and girths should be tested to see if they aro 
 firm, the stirrup leather examined, in case of the tonguo 
 of the buckle being in danger of slipping out by not lo 
 ing well buckled at first, and most particularly the bri 
 die, curb, headstall, and reins should be carefully and 
 thoroughly examined, for on them depends the entire 
 
162 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 control of the horse. These examinations should ncvet 
 be left to the stablehelps, as the continual harnessing of 
 horses by them often leads to a kose and careless way 
 of attending to such matters, which, though seemingly 
 trivialj may lead to serious consequences. 
 
 On the road, the constant care of the gentleman should 
 be to render the ride agreeable to his companion, by the 
 pointing out of objects of interest with which she may 
 not be acquainted, the reference to any peculiar beauty 
 of landscape which may have escaped her notice, and a 
 general lively tone of conversation, which will, if she be 
 timid, draw her mind from the fancied dangers of horse- 
 back riding, and render her excursion much more agree- 
 able than if she be left to imagine horrors whenever her 
 horse may prick up his ears or whisk his tail. And, 
 while thus conversing, keep an eye always on the lady's 
 horse, so that in case he should really get frightened, 
 you may bo ready by your instruction and assistance to 
 aid the lady in quieting his fears. 
 
 In dismounting you should offer your right hand to 
 the lady's left, and allow her to use your left as a step 
 to dismount on, gently declining it as soon as the lady 
 has left her seat on the saddle, and just before she 
 springs. Many ladies spring from the saddle, but this 
 generally confuses the gentleman and is dangerous to 
 the lady, for the horse may move at the instant she 
 springs, which would inevitably throw her backward and 
 might result in a serious injury. 
 
 DRIVING. 
 
 In the indulgence of this beautiful pastime there are 
 
MANLY EXERCISES. 
 
 many points of care and attention to be observed ; they 
 will render to the driver himself much gratification by 
 the confidence they will inspire in his companion, by 
 having the knowledge that he or she is being driven by 
 a careful horseman, and thus knowing that half of what 
 danger may attend the pleasure, is removed. 
 
 On reaching the door of your companion's residence, 
 whom we will suppose to be in this case a lady, though 
 the same attention may well be extended to a gentle- 
 man, drive close to the mounting-block or curb, and 
 by heading your horse toward the middle of the road, 
 and slightly backing the wagon, separate the fore and 
 hind wheels on the side next the block as much as possi- 
 ble. This gives room for the lady to ascend into the 
 wagon without soiling her dress by rubbing against 
 ekher tire, and also gives the driver room to lean over 
 and tuck into the wagon any part of a lady's dress that 
 may hang out after she is seated. 
 
 In assisting the lady to ascend into the wagon, the 
 best and safest way is to tie the horse firmly to a hitch- 
 ing-post or tree, and then to give to your companion the 
 aid of both your hands; but, in case of there being no 
 post to .which you can make the rein fast, the following 
 rule may be adopted : 
 
 Grasp the reins firmly with one hand, and draw them 
 just tight enough to let the horse feel that they are 
 held, and with the other hand assist the lady ; under no 
 circumstances, even with the most quiet horse, should 
 you place a lady in your vehicle without any hold on 
 the horse, for, although many horses would stand per- 
 fectly quiet ;he whole race of them are timid, and any 
 
1G4 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 sudden noise or motion may start them, in which case 
 the life of your companion may be endangered. In the 
 light no-top or York wagon, which is now used almost 
 entirely for pleasure drives, the right hand cushion 
 should always be higher by three or four inches than the 
 left, for it raises the person driving, thus giving him 
 more control, and renders the lady's seat more comfort- 
 able and more safe. It is a mistaken idea, in driving, 
 that it shows a perfect horseman, to drive fast. On the 
 contrary, a good horseman is more careful of his horse 
 than a poor one, and in starting, the horse is always al- 
 lowed to go slowly for time; as he gradually takes up a 
 quicker pace, and becomes warmed up, the driver may 
 push him even to the top of his speed for some distance, 
 always, however, allowing him to slacken his pace toward 
 the end of his drive, and to come to the stopping-place 
 at a moderate gait. 
 
 Endeavor, by your conversation on the road, to make 
 the ride agreeable to your companion. Never try to 
 show off your driving, but remember, that there is no 
 one who drives with so much apparent ease and so little 
 display as the professional jockey, who, as he devotes 
 his life to the management of the reins, may well be sup- 
 posed to be the most thoroughly good " whip." 
 
 In helping the lady out of the wagon, the same rule 
 must be observed as in the start ; namely, to have your 
 horse well in hand or firmly tied. Should your com- 
 panion be a gentleman and a horseman, the courtesy is 
 always to offer him the reins, though the offer, if made 
 to yourself by another with whom you are riding, should 
 always be declined; unless, indeed, the horse should bo 
 
MANLY EXERvISES. 163 
 
 particularly " hard-mouthed" and your friend's arms 
 should be tired, in which case you should relieve him. 
 
 Bo especially careful in the use of the whip, that it 
 may not spring back outside of the vehicle and strike 
 your companion. This rule should be particularly at- 
 tended to in driving "tandem" or " four-in-hand," as a 
 cut with a heavy tandem-whip is by no means a pleasant 
 accompaniment to your drive. 
 
 BOXING. 
 
 In this much-abused accomplishment, there would, 
 from the rough nature of the sport, seem to be small 
 room for civility ; yet, in none of the many manly sports 
 is there so great a scope for the exercise of politeness 
 as in this. Should your adversary be your inferior in 
 boxing, there are many ways to teach him and encourage 
 him in his pursuit of proficiency, without knocking him 
 about as if your desire was to injure him as much as pos- 
 sible. And you will find that his gratitude for your 
 forbearance will prompt him to exercise the same indul- 
 gence to others who are inferior to himself, and thus by 
 the exchange of gentlemanly civility the science of boxing 
 is divested of one of its most objectionable points, viz : 
 the danger of the combatants becoming angry and chang- 
 ing the sport to a brutal fight. 
 
 Always allow your antagonist to choose his gloves 
 from the set, though, if you recommend any to him, let 
 him take the hardest ones and you the softest ; thus he 
 will receive the easier blows. Allow him the choice of 
 ground and position, and endeavor in evi/ry way to give 
 him the utmost chance. In this way, even if you should 
 
166 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 be worsted in the game, your kindness and courtesy ta 
 him will be acknowledged by any one who may be witd 
 you, and by no one more readily than your antagonist 
 himself. These same rules apply to the art of fencing, 
 the most graceful and beautiful of exercises. Let your 
 opponent have his choice of the foils and sword-gloves, 
 give him the best position for light, and in your thrusts 
 remember that to make a "hit" does not require you to 
 force your foil as violently as you can against your an- 
 tagonist's breast ; but, that every touch will show if your 
 foils be chalked and the one who has the most " spots" 
 at the end of the encounter is the beaten man. 
 
 SAILING. 
 
 Within a few years there has been a most decided 
 movement in favor of aquatic pursuits. Scarcely a town 
 can be found, near the sea or on the bank of a river 
 but what can either furnish a yacht or a barge. In all 
 our principal cities the " navies" of yachts and barges 
 number many boats. The barge clubs particularly are 
 well-fitted with active, healthy men, who can appreciate 
 the physical benefit of a few hours' work at the end of a 
 sixteen-foot sweep, and who prefer health and blistered 
 hands to a life of fashionable and unhealthy amusement. 
 Under the head of sailing we will give some hints of 
 etiquette as to sailing and rowing together. A gentleman 
 will never parade his superiority in these accomplishments, 
 etill less boast of it, but rather, that the others may not feel 
 their inferiority, he will keep considerably within his pow- 
 ers. If a guest or a stranger be of the party, the best 
 place must be offered to him, though he may be a bad oar ; 
 
MANLY EXERCISES. 101 
 
 but, at the same time, if a guest knows his inferiority in this 
 respect, he will, for more reasons than one, prefer an infe- 
 rior position. So, too, when a certain amount of exertion 
 is required, as in boating, a well-bred man will offer to 
 take the greater share, pull the heaviest oar, and will 
 never shirk his work. In short, the whole rule of good 
 manners on such occasions is not to be selfish, and tho 
 most amiable man will therefore be the best bred. It is 
 certainly desirable that a gentleman should be aWe to 
 handle an oar, or to steer and work a yacht, both that 
 when he has an opportunity he may acquire health, and 
 that he may be able to take part in the charming excur- 
 sions which are made by water. One rule should apply 
 to all these aquatic excursions, and that is, that the gen- 
 tleman who invites the ladies, should there be any, and 
 who is, therefore, at the trouble of getting up the party, 
 should always be allowed to steer the boat, urless he 
 decline the post, for he has the advantage of more inti- 
 mate acquaintance with the ladies, whom he will have to 
 entertain^ on the trip, and the post of honor should be 
 given him as a compliment to his kindness in undertak- 
 ing the preliminaries. 
 
 HUNTING. 
 
 Gentlemen residing in the country, and keeping a 
 stable, are generally ready to join the hunt club. We are 
 gradually falling into the English sports and pastimes. 
 Cricket, boxing, and hunting, are being more and moro 
 practiced every year, and our horsemen and pugilists 
 aspire to conquer those of Britain, when a few years 
 back, to attempt such a thing would have been consi- 
 
1G8 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 dered folly. In this country the organization of hunt- 
 clubs is made as much to rid the country of the foxes ag 
 to enjoy the sport. We differ much from the Britons in 
 our hunting ; we have often a hilly dangerous country, 
 with high worm and post-and-rail fences crossing it, deep 
 streams with precipitous sides and stony ground to ride 
 OTcr. We hunt in cold weather when the ground is 
 frozen hard, and we take everything as it is, hills, fences, 
 streams, and hedges, risking our necks innumerable 
 times in a hunt. In England the hunters have a flat 
 country, fences which do not compare to ours in height, 
 and they hunt after a frost when the ground is soft. 
 
 Our hunting field at the "meet" does not show the 
 gaudy equipment and top-boots of England, but the 
 plain dress of the gentleman farmer, sometimes a blue 
 coat and jockey-cap, but oftcner the every-day coat and 
 felt hat, but the etiquette of our hunting field is more 
 observed than in England. There any one joins the 
 meet, if it is a large one, but here no one enters the field 
 unless acquainted with one or more of the gentlemen on 
 the ground. The rules in the hunt are few and simple. 
 Never attempt to hunt unless you have a fine seat in the 
 saddle and a good horse, and never accept the loan of a 
 friend's horse, still less an enemy's, unless you ride very 
 well. A man may forgive you for breaking his daugh- 
 ter's heart but never for breaking his hunter's neck. 
 Another point is, always to be quiet at a meet, and never 
 join one unless acquainted with some one in the field. 
 Pluck, skill, and a good horse are essentials in hunting. 
 Never talk of your achievments, avoid enthusiastic shout- 
 ing when you break cover, and do not ride over the 
 
MANLY EXERCISES. 169 
 
 hounds. Keep a firm hand, a quick eye, an easy, calm 
 frame of mind, and a good, firm seat on the saddle. 
 Watch the country you are going over, be always ready 
 tj help a friend who may "come to grief," and with tho 
 rules ani the quiet demeanor you will soon be a favcrite 
 
 in the Held. \ 
 
 1 
 
 SKATING. 
 
 Though we may, in the cold winter, sigh for the return 
 of spring breezes, and look back with regret on the au- 
 tumn sports, or even the heat of summer, there is yet a 
 balm for our frozen spirits in the glorious and exhilarat- 
 ing sports of winter. The sleigh filled with laughing 
 female beauties and "beauties," too, of the sterner sex, 
 and the merry jingle of the bells as we fly along the 
 road or through the streets, are delights of which Old 
 Winter alone is the giver. . But, pleasant as the sleigh- 
 ride is, the man who looks for health and exercise at all 
 seasons, turns from the seductive pleasures of the sleigh 
 to the more simple enjoyment derived from the skates. 
 Flying along over the glistening ice to the accompani- 
 ment of shouts of merry laughter at some novice's mis- 
 hap, and feeling that we have within us the speed of tho 
 race-horse, the icy pleasure is, indeed, a good substitute 
 for the pleasures of the other seasons. 
 
 So universal has skating become, that instruction itt 
 this graceful accomplishment seems almost unnecessary; 
 but, for the benefit of the rising generation who may 
 peruse our work, we will give, from a well-known au- 
 thority, a few hints as to the ruanner of using the skateg 
 
170 GENTLEMEN'S COOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 before we add our own instruction as to the etiquette of 
 the skating ground. 
 
 " Before going on the ice, the young skater must learn 
 to put on the skates, and may also learn to walk with 
 them easily in a room, balancing, alternately, on each 
 foot. A skater's dress should be as loose and uni-n cum- 
 bered as possible. All fullness of dress is exposed to the 
 wind. As the exercise of skating produces perspiration, 
 flannel next the chest, shoulders, and loins, is necessary 
 to avoid the evils of sudden chills in cold, weather. 
 
 "Either very rough or very smooth ice should be 
 avoided. The person who, for the first time, attempts to 
 skate, must not trust to a stick. He may take a friend's 
 hand for support, if he requires one; but that should be 
 soon relinquished, in order to balance himself. He will, 
 probably, scramble about for half an hour or so, till he 
 begins to find out where the edge of his skate is. The 
 beginner must be fearless, but not violent; nor even in 
 a hurry. He should not let his feet get apart, and keep 
 his heels still nearer together. He must keep the ankle 
 of the foot on the ice quite firm; not attempting to gain 
 the edge of the skate by bending it, because the right 
 mode of getting to either edge is by the inclination of 
 the whole body in the direction required; and this incli- 
 nation should be made fearlessly and decisively. The 
 leg which is on the ice should be kept perfectly straight; 
 f jr, though the knee must be somewhat bent at the time 
 of striking, it must be straightened as quickly as possi- 
 ble without any jerk. The leg which is off the ice should 
 also be kept straight, though not stiff, having an easy 
 
MAXLY EXERCISES. 171 
 
 but Ftruight play, the toe pointing downwards, and the 
 heel from six to twelve inches of the other. 
 
 "The learner must not look down at the ice, nor at 
 his feet, to see how they perform. He may, at first, in- 
 cline his body a little forward, for safety, hut hold his 
 head up, and see where he goes, his person erect and hia 
 Jace rather elevated than otherwise. 
 
 " When once off, he must bring both feet up together, 
 and strike again, as soon as he finds himself steady 
 enough, rarely allowing both feet to be on the ice to 
 gether. The position of the arms should be easy and 
 varied; one being always more raised than the other, 
 this elevation being alternate, and the change corres- 
 ponding to that of the legs; that is, the right arm being 
 raised as the right leg is put down, and vice, versd, so 
 that the arm and leg of the same side may not be raised 
 together. The face must be always turned in the direc- 
 tion of the line intended to be described. Hence in 
 backward skating, the head will be inclined much over 
 the shoulder; in forward skating, but slightly. All 
 sudden and violent action must be avoided. Stopping 
 may be caused by slightly bending the knees, drawing 
 the feet together, inclining the body forward, and press- 
 ing on the heels. It may be also caused ty turning 
 short to the right or left, the foot on the side to \shich 
 \vc turn being rather more advanced, and supporting 
 part of the weight."* 
 
 When on the ice, if you should get your skates o;i be- 
 fore your companion, always wait for him; for, nothing 
 is more disagreeable than being left behind on an occa- 
 * Walker's Manly Exercises. 
 
172 JENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 sion of this kind. Be ready at all times when skating 
 to render assistance to any one, either lady or gentle- 
 man, who may require it. A gentleman may be distin- 
 guished at all times by the willingness with which he 
 will give up his sport to render himself agreeable and 
 kind to any one in difficulty. Should you have one of 
 the skating-sleds so much used for taking ladies on the 
 ice, and should your own ladies, if you are accompanied 
 by any, not desire to use it, the most becoming thing 
 you can do is to place it at the disposal of any other 
 gentleman who has ladies with him, and who is not pro- 
 vided with such a conveyance. 
 
 Always keep to the right in meeting a person on the 
 ice, and always skate perfectly clear of the line in which 
 a lady is advancing, whether she be on skates or on foot. 
 Attention to the other sex is no where more appreciated 
 than on the ice, where they are, unless good skaters, 
 comparatively helpless. Be always prompt to assist in 
 the extrication of any one who may break through the 
 ice, but let your zeal be tempered by discretion, and 
 always get a rope or ladder if possible, in preference to 
 going near the hole ; for there is great risk of your break- 
 ing through yourself, and endangering your own life 
 without being able to assist the person already sub- 
 merged. But should the rope or ladder not be con- 
 venient, the best method is to lay flat on your breast on 
 the ice, and push yourself cautiously along until you can 
 touch the person's hand, and then let him climb by it 
 out of the hole. 
 
MANLY EXERCISES. 171 
 
 SWIMMING. 
 
 So few persons are unable to swim, that it TV ould be 
 aseless for us to furnish any instruction in the actual 
 art of swimming"; but a few words on the subject of as- 
 sisting others while in the water may not come amiss. 
 
 It is a desirable accomplishment to be able to swim itt 
 a suit of clothes. This may be practiced by good swim- 
 mers, cautiously at first, in comparatively shallow water, 
 and afterwards in deeper places. Occasions may fre- 
 quently occur where it may be necessary to plunge into 
 the water to save a drowning person, where the lack of 
 time, or the presence of ladies, would preclude all possi- 
 bility of removing the clothes. There are few points 
 of etiquette in swimming, except those of giving all the 
 assistance in our power to beginners, and. to remember 
 the fact of our being gentlemen, though the sport may 
 be rough when we are off terra firma. We shall there- 
 fore devote this section of our exercise department to 
 giving a few general directions as to supporting drown- 
 ing persons, which support is, after all, the most valued 
 attention we can render to any one. 
 
 If possible, always go to save a life in company with 
 one or two others. One companion is generally suffi- 
 cient, but two will do no harm, for, if the service of tho 
 second be not required, he can easily swim back to shore. 
 On reaching the object of your pursuit, if he be clinging 
 to anything, caution him, as you approach, to hold it 
 until you tell him to let go, and then to let his arms fall 
 to his side. Then let one of your companions place his 
 hand under the armpit of the person to be assisted, and 
 
17-1 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK or ETIQUETTE. 
 
 you doing the like, call to him to let go his suppoi fc, then 
 tread water until you get his arms on the shoulders of 
 your companion and yourself, and then swim gently to 
 shore. Should you be alone, the utmost you can do is 
 to' let him hold his support while you tread water near 
 him until further assistance can be obtained. If you 
 are alone and he has no support, let him rest one arm 
 across your shoulder, put one of your arms behind his 
 back, and the hand under his armpit, and tread water 
 until help arrives. Never let a man in these circum- 
 stances grasp you in any way, particularly if he be 
 frightened, for you may both be drowned ; but, try to 
 cool and reassure him by the intrepidity of your own 
 movements, and he will be safely and easily preserved. 
 
 CRICKET. 
 
 When in the cricket-field, we must allow ourselves to 
 outer into the full spirit of the game; but we must not 
 allow the excitement of the play to make us forget what 
 is- due to others and to ourselves. A gentle, easy, and, 
 at the same time, gentlemanly manner, may be as- 
 Bumcd. Always offer to your companions the use of 
 your private bat, if they are not similarly provided; for 
 the bats belonging to the club often lose the spring in 
 the handle from constant use, and a firm bat with a good 
 spring will prove very acceptable. In this way you 
 gratify the player, and, as a reward for your kindness, 
 he may, from being well provided, score more for the 
 side than he would with inferior or worn-out tools. 
 
 This game is more purely democratic than any one we 
 know of, and the most aristocratic of gentlemen take* 
 
MAXLY EXERCISES. 175 
 
 second rank, for the time, to the most humble cricketer, 
 if the latter be the more skillful. But a good player is 
 not always a gentleman, and the difference in cultivation 
 3iay always be distinguished. A gentleman will never 
 deride any one for his bad play, nor give vent to oaths, 
 or strong epithets, if disappointed in the playing of ono 
 of his side. If he has to ask another player for any- 
 thing, he docs so in a way to establish his claim to gcri- 
 tility. "May I trouble you for that ball?" or, "Will, 
 you please to hand me that bat?" are much preferable to 
 "Here, you! ball there!" or, "Clumsy, don't carry off 
 that bat !" Again, if a gentleman makes a mistake him- 
 self, he should always acknowledge it quietly, and never 
 start a stormy discussion as to the merits of his battir.g 
 or fielding. In fine, preserve the same calm demeanor 
 in the field that you would in the parlor, however dccjly 
 you enter into the excitement of the game. 
 
17(5 GENTLEMEN'S BOO* OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 TRAVELING. 
 
 IN this country where ladies travel so much alone, a 
 gentleman has many opportunities of making this un- 
 protected state a pleasant one. There are many little 
 courtesies which you may offer to a lady when travel- 
 ing, even if she is an entire stranger to you, and by an 
 air of respectful deference, you may place her entirely 
 at her ease with you, even if you are both young. 
 
 When traveling with a lady, your duties commence 
 when you are presented to her as an escort. If she is 
 personally a stranger, she will probably meet you at the 
 wharf or car depot ; but if an old acquaintance, you 
 should offer to call for her at her residence. Take a 
 hack, and call, leaving, ample time for last speeches and 
 farewell tears. If she hands you her purse to defray 
 her expenses, return it to her if you stop for any length 
 of time at a place where she may wish to make pur- 
 chases. If you make no stop upon your journey, keep 
 the purse until you arrive at your destination, and then 
 return it. If she does not give you the money for her 
 expenses when you start, you had best pay them your- 
 self, keeping an account, and she will repay you at the 
 journey's end. 
 
TRAVELING. 177 
 
 When you start, select for your companion the plea- 
 lantest seat, see that her shawl and bag are within hei 
 reach, the window lowered or raised as she may prefer, 
 nnd then leave her to attend to the baggage, or, if you 
 prefer, let her remain in the hack while you get checks 
 for the trunks. Never keep a lady standing upon the 
 wharf or in the depot, whilst you arrange the baggage. 
 
 When you arrive at a station, place your lady in a 
 hack while you get the trunks. 
 
 When arriving at a hotel, escort your companion to 
 the parlor, and leave her there whilst you engage rooms. 
 As soon as her room is ready, escort her to the door, 
 and leave her, as she will probably wish to change her 
 dress or lie down, after the fatigue of traveling. If you 
 remain chatting in the parlor, although she may be too 
 polite to give any sign of weariness, you may feel sure 
 she is longing to go to a room where she can bathe her 
 face and smooth her hair. 
 
 If you remain in the hotel to any meal, ask before 
 you leave her, at what hour she wishes to dine, sup, or 
 breakfast, and at that hour, knock at her doer, and 
 escort her to the table. 
 
 If you remain in the city at which her journey ter- 
 minates, you should call the day after your arrival upon 
 the companion of your journey. If, previous to that 
 journey, you have never met her, she has the privilege 
 of continuing the acquaintance or not as she pleases, so 
 if all your gallantry is repaid by a cut the next time 
 you meet her, you must submit, and hope for better 
 'uck next time. In such a case, you are at liberty 
 12 
 
178 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETIE. 
 
 to decline escorting her again should the request be 
 made. 
 
 When traveling alone, your opportunities to display 
 your gallantry will be still more numerous. To offer 
 to carry a bag for a lady who is unattended, to raise or 
 lower a window for her, offer to check her baggage, 
 procure her a hack, give her your arm from car to boat 
 or boat to car, assist her children over the bad crossings, 
 or in fact extend any such kindness, will mark you as a 
 gentleman, and win you the thanks due to your courtesy. 
 "Be careful however not to be too attentive, as you then 
 become officious, and embarrass when you mean to 
 please. 
 
 If you are going to travel in other countries, in Eu- 
 rope, especially, I would advise you to study the lan- 
 guages, before you attempt to go abroad. French ia 
 the tongue you will find most useful in Europe, as it is 
 spoken in the courts, and amongst diplomatists ; but, in 
 order fully to enjoy a visit to any country, you must 
 speak the language of that country. You can then 
 visit in the private houses, see life among the peasantry, 
 go with confidence from village to town, from city to 
 city, learning more of the country in one day from 
 familiar intercourse with the natives, than you would 
 learn in a year from guide books or the explanations of 
 your courier. The way to really enjoy a journey 
 through a strange land, is not to roll over the high 
 ways in your carriage, stop at the hotels, and be led 
 to the points of interest by your guide, but to shoulder 
 your knapsack, or take up your valise, and make a 
 pedestrian tour through the .hamlets and villages. Take 
 
TRAVELING. 179 
 
 a room at a hotel in the principal cities if ycu will, 
 and sec all that your guide book commands you to seek, 
 and then start on your own tour of investigation, and 
 believe me you will enjoy your independent walks and 
 chats with the villagers and peasants, infinitely moro 
 than your visits dictated by others. Of course, to en- 
 joy this mode of traveling, you must have some know- 
 ledge of the language, and if you start with only a very 
 Blight acquaintance with it, you will be surprised to find 
 how rapidly you will acquire the power to converse, 
 when you are thus forced to speak in that language, or 
 be entirely silent. 
 
 Your pocket, too, will be the gainer by the power to 
 arrange your own affairs. If you travel with a courier 
 and depend upon him to arrange your hotel bills and 
 other matters, you will be cheated by every one, from 
 the boy who blacks your boots, to the magnificent artist, 
 who undertakes to fill your picture gallery with the works 
 of the "old masters." If Murillo, Raphael, and Guido 
 could see the pictures brought annually to this country 
 as genuine works of their pencils, we are certain that 
 they would tear their ghostly hair, wring their shadowy 
 hands, and return to the tomb again in disgust. Igno- 
 rant of the language of the country you are visiting, you 
 will be swindled in the little villages and the large cities 
 by the inn-keepers and the hack-drivers, in the country 
 and in the town, morning, noon, and evening, daily, 
 hourly, and weekly; so, again I say, study the languages 
 if you propose going abroad. 
 
 In a foreign country nothing stamps the difference be- 
 tween the gentleman and the clown more strrngly than 
 
180 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK or ETIQUETTE. 
 
 the regard they pay to foreign customs. "\Yliilc the 
 latter will exclaim against every strange dress or d.sh, 
 and even show signs of disgust if the latter docs not 
 please him, the former will endeavor, as far as is in his 
 pDwer, to " do in Rome as Romans do." 
 
 Accustom yourself, as soon as possible, to the customs 
 of the nation which you are visiting, and, as far as jou 
 can without any violation of principle, follow thoii, 
 You will add much to your own comfort by so doing, for, 
 as you cannot expect the whole nation to conform to 
 your habits, the sooner you fall in with theirs the sooner 
 you will feel at home in the strange land. 
 
 Never ridicule or blame any usage which seems to you 
 ludicrous or wrong. You may wound those around you, 
 or you may anger them, and it cannot add to the 
 pleasure of your visit to make yourself unpopular. If 
 in Germany they serve your meat upon marmalade, or 
 your beef raw, or in Italy give you peas in their pods, 
 or in France oifer you frog's legs and horsesteaks, if you 
 cannot eat the strange viands, make no remarks and re- 
 press every look or gesture of disgust. Try to adapt 
 your taste to the dishes, and if you find that impossible, 
 remove those articles you cannot eat from your plate, 
 and make your meal upon the others, but do this silently 
 and quietly, endeavoring not to attract attention. 
 
 The best travelers are those who can eat cats in China, 
 oil in Grcenlanl, frogs in France, and maccaroni in It &ly ; 
 who can smoke a meershaum in Germany, ride an elephant 
 in India, shoot partridges in England," and wear a turban 
 in Turkey; in slnrt, in every nation adapt their habits, 
 
TRAVELING. 181 
 
 costume, and taste to the national manners, dress and 
 dishes. 
 
 Do not, when abroad, speak continually in praise of 
 your own country, or disparagingly of others. If you 
 find others are interested in gaining information about 
 America, speak candidly and freely of its customs, 
 scenery, or products, but not in a way that will imply a 
 contempt of other countries. To turn up your nose at 
 the Thames because the Mississippi is longer and wider, 
 or to sneer at any object because you have seen its su- 
 perior at home, is rude, ill-bred, and in excessively bad 
 taste. You will find abroad numerous objects of interest 
 which America cannot parallel, and while abroad, you 
 will do well to avoid mention of "our rivers," "our 
 mountains," or, " our manufactories." You will find ruins 
 in Rome, pictures in Florence, cemeteries in France, and 
 factories in England, which will take the lead and chal- 
 lenge the world to compete ; and you will exhibit a far 
 better spirit if you candidly acknowledge that superiority, 
 than if you make absurd and untrue assertions of "our" 
 power to excel them. 
 
 You will, of course, meet with much to disapprove, 
 much that will excite your laughter; but control the one 
 and keep silence about the other. If you find fault, do 
 BO gently and quietly; if you praise, do so without quali- 
 fication, sincerely and warmly. 
 
 Study well the geography of any country which you 
 may visit, and, as far as possible, its history also. You 
 cannot feel much interest in localities or monuments con- 
 nected with history, if you are unacquainted with tho 
 events which make them worthy of note. 
 
132 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 Converse with any who seem disposed to form an ac* 
 cmaintance. You may thus pass an hour or two plea- 
 santly, obtain useful information, and you need not carry 
 on the acquaintance unless you choose to do so. Amongst 
 the higher circles in Europe you will find many of the 
 customs of each nation in other nations, but it is among 
 the peasants and the people that you find the true na<- 
 tionality. 
 
 You may carry with you one rule into every country, 
 which is, that, however much the inhabitants may object 
 to your dress, language, or habits, they will cheerfully 
 acknowledge that the American stranger is perfectly 
 amiable and polite. 
 
ETIQUETTE IN CHURCH. 188 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 ETIQUETTE IN CHURCH. 
 
 ll is not, in this book, a question, what you must be- 
 lieve, but how you must act. If your conscience per- 
 mits you to visit other churches than your own, your first 
 duty, whilst in them, is not to sneer or scoff at any of 
 its forms, and to follow the service as closely as you can. 
 
 To remove your hat upon entering the edifice devoted 
 to the worship of a Higher Power, is a sign of respect 
 never to be omitted. Many men will omit in foreign 
 churches this custom so expres&ive and touching, and by 
 the omission make others believe them irreverent and 
 foolish, even though they may act from mere thought- 
 lessness. If, however, you are in a country where the 
 head is kept covered, and another form of 'humility 
 adopted, you need not fear to follow the custom of those 
 around you. You will be more respected if you pay de- 
 ference to their religious views, than if you undertoc k to 
 prove your superiority by affecting a contempt for any 
 form of worship. Enter with your thoughts fixed upon 
 high and holy subjects, and your face will show your de- 
 votion, even if you are ignorant of the form? of that 
 particular church. 
 
 If you are with a lady, in a catholic church, offer her 
 
184 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 the holy water with your hand ungloved, for, as it is 
 in the intercourse with princes, that church requires all 
 the ceremonies to be performed with the bare hand. 
 
 Pass up the aisle with your companion until you reach 
 tlis pc\v you are to occupy, then step before her, open 
 the door, and hold it open while she enters the pew. 
 Then follow her, closing the door after you. 
 
 If you are visiting a strange church, request the 
 sexton to give you a seat. Never enter a pew uninvited. 
 If you are in your own pew in church, and see strangers 
 looking for a place, open your pew door, invite them by 
 a motion to enter, and hold the door open for them, re- 
 entering yourself after they are seated. 
 
 If others around you do not pay what you think a 
 proper attention to the services, do not, by scornful 
 glances or whispered remarks, notice their omissions. 
 Strive, by your own devotion, to forget those near you. 
 
 You may offer a book or fan to a stranger near you, 
 if unprovided themselves, whether they be young or old, 
 lady or gentleman. 
 
 Remain kneeling as long as those around you do so. 
 Do not, if your own devotion is not satisfied by your at 
 titude, throw scornful glances upon those who remain 
 seated, or merely bow their heads. Above all'never sign 
 to them, or speak, reminding them of the position most 
 e lit able for the service. Keep your own position, but do 
 not think you have the right to dictate to others. I 
 have heard young persons addressing, with words of rc^ 
 proach, old men, and lame ones, whoso infirmities forbade 
 them to kneel or stand in church, but who were, doubt- 
 less, as good Christians as their presumptuous advisers. 
 
ETIQUETTE IN CHURCH. 18t 
 
 I know that it often is an effort to remain silent when 
 those in another pew talk incessantly in a low tone or 
 whisper, or sing in a loud tone, out of all time or tune, 
 or read the wrong responses in a voice of thunder ; but, 
 while you carefully avoid such faults yourself, you must 
 pass them over in others, without remark. 
 
 If, when abroad, you visit a church to see the pictures 
 or monuments within its walls, and not for worship, 
 choose the hours when there is no service being read. 
 Even if you are alone, or merely with a guide, speak 
 low, walk slowly, and keep an air of quiet respect in 
 the edifice devoted to the service of God. 
 
 Let me here protest against an Americanism of which 
 modest ladies justly complain ; it is that of gentlemen 
 standing in groups round the doors of churches both be- 
 fore and after service. A well-bred man will not indulge 
 in this practice; and, if detained upon the step by a 
 friend, or. whilst waiting for another person, he will 
 Stand aside and allow plenty of room for others to pass 
 in, and will never bring the blood into a woman's face 
 by a long, curious stare. 
 
 In church, as in every other position in life, the most 
 unselfish man is the most perfect gentleman; so, if you 
 wish to retain your position as a well-bred man, you will, 
 in a crowded church, offer your seat to any lady, or old 
 man, who may be standing. 
 
GENTLEMENS BOOK or ETIQUETTE. 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 0^ E [ILNDRED HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 
 
 1. ALWAYS avoid any rude or boisterous action, es- 
 pecially when in the presence of ladies. It is not ne- 
 cessary to be stiff, indolent, or sullenly silent, neither is 
 perfect gravity always required, but if you jest let it be 
 with quiet, gentlemanly wit, never depending upon 
 clownish -gestures for the effect of a story. Nothing 
 marks the gentleman so soon and so decidedly as quiet, 
 refined ease of manner. 
 
 2. Never allow- a lady to get a chair for herself, ring 
 a bell, pick up a handkerchief or glove she may have 
 dropped, or, in short, perform any service for herself 
 which you can perform for her, when you are in the 
 room, By extending such courtesies to your mother, 
 sisters, or other members of your family, they become 
 habitual, and are thus more gracefully performed when 
 abroad. 
 
 3. Never perform any little service for another with a 
 formal bow or manner as if conferring a favor, but with 
 a quiet gentlemanly ease as if it were, not a ceremonious, 
 unaccustomed performance, but a matter of course, for 
 you to be courteous. 
 
 4. It is not necessary to tell all that you know; that 
 
HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 187 
 
 were mere folly; but what a man says must be what ho 
 believes himself, else he violates the first rule for a gen- 
 tleman's speech Truth. 
 
 5. Avoid gambling as you would poison. Every bet 
 made, even in the most finished circles of society, is a 
 species of gambling, and this ruinous crime comes on by 
 slow degrees. Whilst a man is minding his business, he 
 is playing the best game, and he is sure to win. You 
 will be tempted to the vice by those whom the world 
 calls gentlemen, but you will find that loss makes you 
 angry, and an angry man is never a courteous one ; gain 
 excites you to continue the pursuit of the vice; and, in 
 the end you will lose money, good name, health, good 
 conscience, light heart, and honesty ; while you>gain evil 
 associates, irregular hours and habits, a susr.icious, fret- 
 ful temper, and a remorseful, tormenting conscience. 
 Some one must lose in the game; and, if you win it, it 
 is at the risk of driving a fellow creature to despair. 
 
 6. Cultivate tact ! In society it will be an invaluable 
 aid. Talent is something, but tact is everything. Talent 
 is serious, sober, grave, and respectable ; tact is all that 
 "and more too. It is not a sixth sense, but it is the life 
 of all the five. It is the open eye, the quick ear, the 
 judging taste, the keen smell, and the lively touch ; it is 
 the interpreter of all riddles the surmounter of all diffi- 
 culties the remover of all obstacles. It is useful in all 
 places, and at all times ; it is useful in solitude, for it 
 gl. DWS a man his way into the world; it is useful in so- 
 ciety, for it shows him his way through the world. Talent 
 is power tact is skill; talent is weight tact is momen- 
 tum; talent knows what to do tact knows how to do it; 
 
188 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 talent makes a man respectable tact will make him re- 
 spected; talent is wealth tact is ready money. For al] 
 the practical purposes of society tact carries against 
 talent ten to one. 
 
 7. Nature has left every man a capacity of being 
 agreeable, though all cannot shine in company; but there 
 are many men sufficiently qualified for both, who, by a 
 very few faults, that a little attention would soon correct, 
 are not so much as tolerable. Watch, avoid such faults. 
 
 8. Habits of self-possession and self-control acquired 
 early in life, are the best foundation for the formation 
 of gentlemanly manners. If you unite with this the 
 constant intercourse with ladies and gentlemen of refine- 
 ment and education, you will add to the dignity of per- 
 fect self command, the polished ease of polite society. 
 
 9. Avoid a conceited manner. It is exceedingly ill- 
 bred to assume a manner as if you were superior to those 
 around you, and it is, too, a proof, not of superiority 
 but of vulgarity. And to avoid this manner, avoid the 
 foundation of it, and cultivate humility. The praises 
 of others should be of use to you, in teaching, not what 
 you are, perhaps, but in pointing out what you ought to 
 be. 
 
 10. Avoid pride, too; it often miscalculates, and more 
 often misconceives. The proud man places himself at a 
 distance from other men; seen through that distance, 
 others, perhaps, appear little to him; but he forgets that 
 this very distance causes him also to appear little to 
 others. 
 
 11. A gentleman's title suggests to him humility and 
 affability ; to be easy of access, to pass by neglects ai?d 
 
HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 189 
 
 offences, especially from inferiors; neither to despise any 
 for their bad fortune or misery, nor to be afraid to own 
 those who are unjustly oppressed; not to domineer over 
 inferiors, nor to be either disrespectful or cringing to 
 superiors ; not standing upon his family name, or wealth, 
 but making these secondary to his attainments in civility, 
 industry, gentleness, and discretion. 
 
 12. Chesterfield says, "All ceremonies are, in them- 
 selves, very silly things ; but yet a man of the world 
 should know them. They are the outworks of manners, 
 which would be too often broken in upon if it were not 
 for that defence which keeps the enemy at a proper dis- 
 tance. It is for that reason I always treat fools and 
 coxcombs with great ceremony, true good breeding not 
 being a sufficient barrier against them." 
 
 13. When you meet a lady at the foot of a flight of 
 Btairs, do not wait for her to ascend, but bow, and go up 
 before her. 
 
 14. In meeting a lady at the head of a flight of stairs, 
 wait for her to precede you in the descent. 
 
 15. Avoid slang. It does not beautify, but it sullies 
 conversation. "Just listen, for a moment, to our fast 
 young man, or the ape of a fast young man, who thinks 
 that to be a man he must speak in the dark phraseology 
 of slang. If he does anything on his own responsibility, 
 he does it on his own 'hook.' If he sees anything re- 
 markably good, he calls it a * stunner,' the superlative 
 of which is a 'regular stunner.' If a man is requested 
 to pay a tavern bill, he is asked if he will l stand Sam.' 
 If he meets a savage-looking dog, he calls him an l ugly 
 customer.' If he meets an eccentric man, he calls him 
 
P.V GENTLEMEN S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 a 'rummy old cove.' A sensible man is a 'chap that is 
 ap to snuff.' Our young friend never scolds, but 'blows 
 up;' never pays, hut 'stumps up;' never finds it too di 
 Guilt to pay, but is 'hard up.' He has no hat, but 
 shelters his head beneath a 'tile.' He wears no neck- 
 cloth. Ivit surrounds his throat with a 'choker.' lie 
 li;ci nowlicre, but there "is some place where he 'hangs 
 out.' lie never goes away or withdraws, but he 'bolts' 
 he. 'slopes' he 'mizzles' he 'makes himself scarce' 
 he 'walks his chalks' he 'makes tracks' he 'cuts 
 stick' or, what is the same thing, he 'cuts his lucky!' 
 The highest compliment that you can pay him is to tell 
 him that he is a 'regular brick.' He does not profess to 
 be brave, but he prides himself on being - plucky.' 
 Money is a word which he has forgotten, but he talks a 
 good deal about 'tin,' and the 'needful,' 'the rhino,' and 
 ''the ready.' When a man speaks, he 'spouts;' when ho 
 holds his peace, he 'shuts up;' when he is humiliated, he 
 is 'taken down a peg or two,' and made to 'sing small.' 
 Now, besides the vulgarity of such expressions," there is 
 much in slang that is objectionable in a moral point of 
 view. For example, the word 'governor,' as applied to 
 a father, is to be reprehended. Does it not betray, on 
 the part of young men, great ignorance of the paternal 
 and filial relationship, or great contempt for them? 
 Their father is to such young men merely a governor, 
 merely a representative of authority. Innocently enough, 
 the expression is used by thousands of young men who 
 venerate and love their parents; but only think of it, 
 find 1 am sure that you will admit tlut it is a cold, 
 
HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 191 
 
 heartless word when thus applied, and one that ov.giit 
 forthwith to be abandoned." 
 
 16. There arc few traits of social life more repulsive 
 than tyranny. I refer not to the wrongs, real or imag- 
 inary, that engage our attention in ancient and modcrr 
 history; my tyrants are not those who have waded 
 through blood to thrones, and grievously oppress their 
 brother men. I speak of the petty tyrants of the fire- 
 side and the social circle, who trample like very despots 
 on the opinions of their fellows. You meet people of 
 this class everywhere ; they stalk by your side in the 
 streets; they seat themselves in the pleasant circle on 
 the. hearth, casting a gloom on gayety ; and they start 
 up dark and scowling in the midst of scenes of innocent 
 mirth, to chill and frown down every participator. 
 They u pooh! pooh!" at every opinion advanced; they 
 make the lives of their mothers, siscers, wives, children, 
 unbearable. Beware then of tyranny. A gentleman 
 is ever humble, and the tyrant is never courteous. 
 
 17. Cultivate the virtues of the soul, strong principle, 
 incorruptible integrity, usefulness, refined intellect, and 
 fidelity in seeking for truth. A man in proportion ag 
 he has these virtues will be honored and welcomed every- 
 where. 
 
 18. Gentility is neither in birth, wealth, or fashion, 
 but in the mind. A high sense of honor, a determina- 
 tion never to take a mean advantage of another, ad- 
 herence to truth, delicacy and politeness towards thoso 
 Viith whom we hold intercourse, are the e?;srntial charac- 
 teristics of a gentleman. 
 
 19. Little attentions to your mother, your wife, and 
 
192 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 your sister, will beget much love. The man who is a 
 rude husband, son, and brother, cannot be a gentleman; 
 he may ape the manners of one, but, wanting the refine- 
 ment of heart that would make him courteous at home, 
 his politeness is but a thin cloak to cover a rude, un- 
 polished mind. 
 
 20. At table, always eat slowly, but do not delay 
 those around you by toying with your food, or neglect- 
 ing the business before you to chat, till all the others 
 are ready to leave the table, but must wait until you re- 
 pair your negligence, by hastily swallowing your food. 
 
 21. Are you a husband? Custom entitles you to be 
 the "lord and master" over your household. But don't 
 assume the master and sink the lord. Remember that 
 noble generosity, forbearance, amiability, and integrity 
 are the lordly attributes of man. As a husband, there- 
 fore, exhibit the true nobility of man, and seek to govern 
 your household by the display of high moral excellence. 
 
 A domineering spirit a fault-finding petulance im- 
 patience of trifling delays and the exhibition of un- 
 worthy passion at the slightest provocation can add no 
 laurel to your own "lordly" brow, impart no sweetness 
 to home, and call forth no respect from those by whom 
 you may be surrounded. It is one thing to be a master, 
 another to be a man. The latter should be the hus- 
 band's aspiration; for he who cannot govern himself, is 
 ill-qualified to rule others. You can hardly imagine 
 how refreshing it is to occasionally call up the recollec- 
 tion of your courting days. How tediously the hours 
 rolled away prior to the appointed time of meeting; how 
 fwift they seemed to fly, when met; how fond was the 
 
HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 193 
 
 first greeting; how tender the last embrace; how fervent 
 were your vows ; how vivid your dreams ( f future hap- 
 piness, when, returning to your home, you felt yourself 
 secure in the confessed love of the object of your warm 
 Affections ! Is your dream realized? are you so happy 
 ^s you expected? why not? Consider whether as a 
 husband you are as fervent and constant as you were 
 '.vlien a lover. Remember that the wife's claims to your 
 unremitting regard great before marriage, are now ex 
 alted to a much higher degree. She has left the world 
 for you the home of her childhood, the fireside of her 
 parents, their watchful care and sweet intercourse have 
 all been yielded up for you. Look then most jealously 
 upon all that may tend to attract you from home, and 
 to weaken that union upon which your temporal happi- 
 ness mainly depends; and believe that in the solemn re- 
 lationship of HUSBAND is to be found one of the best 
 guarantees for man's honor and happiness. 
 
 22. Perhaps the true definition of a gentleman is this: 
 "Whoever is open, loyal, and true; whoever is of hu- 
 mane and affable demeanor; whoever is honorable in 
 himself, and in his judgment of others, and requires nc 
 law but his word to make him fulfil an engagement; such 
 a man is a gentleman, be he in the highest or lowest 
 rank of life, a man of elegant refinement and intellect, 
 or the most unpolished tiller of the ground." 
 
 23. In the street, etiquette does not require a gentle- 
 man to take off his glove to shake hands with a lady, 
 unless her hand is uncovered. In the house, however, 
 the rule is imperative, he must not" offer a lady a gloved 
 hand. In the street, if his hand be very warm or vert 
 
 13 
 
194 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 cold, or the glove cannot be readily removed, it is much 
 better to offer the covered hand than to offend the lady's 
 touch, or delay the salutation during an awkward fumble 
 to remove the glove. 
 
 24. Sterne says, "True courtship consists in a number 
 of quiet, gentlemanly attentions, not so pointed as to 
 alarm, not so vague as to be misunderstood." A clown 
 will terrify by his boldness, a proud man chill by his re- 
 serve, but a gentleman will win by the happy mixture 
 of the two. 
 
 25. Use no profane language, utter no word that will 
 cause the most virtuous to blush. Profanity is a mark of 
 Jow breeding ; and the tendency of using indecent and 
 profane language is degrading to your minds. Its in- 
 jurious effects may not be felt at the moment, but they 
 will continue to manifest themselves to you through life. 
 They may never be obliterated ; and, if you allow 
 the fault to become habitual, you will often find at your 
 tongue's end some expressions which you would not use 
 for any money. By being careful on this point you may 
 save yourself much mortification and sorrow. 
 
 u Good men have been taken sick and become de- 
 lirious. In these moments they have used the most vile 
 and indecent language, When informed of it, after a 
 restoration to health, they had no idea of the pain they 
 had given to their friends, and stated that they had 
 learned and repeated the expressions in childhood, and 
 though years had passed since they had spoken a bad 
 word, the early impressions had been indelibly stamp ed 
 upon the mind." 
 
 of this, ye who are tempted to ose improper 
 
language, and never let a vile word disgrace you, An 
 oath never falls from the tongue of the man who com- 
 mands respect. 
 
 Honesty, frankness, generosity, and virtue are noble 
 traits. Let these be yours, and do not fear. You will 
 then claim the esteem and love of all. 
 
 26. Courteous and friendly conduct may, probably will, 
 sometimes meet with an unworthy and ungrateful return ; 
 but the absence of gratitude and similar courtesy on tho 
 part of the receiver cannot destroy the self-approbation 
 which recompenses the giver. We may scatter the seeds 
 of courtesy and kindness around us at little expense. 
 Some of them will inevitably fall on good ground, and 
 grow up into benevolence in the minds of others, and all 
 of them will bear the fruit of happiness in the bosom 
 whence they spring. A kindly action always fixes itself 
 on the heart of the truly thoughtful and polite man. 
 
 27. Learn to restrain anger. A man in a passion 
 ceases to be a gentleman, and if you do not control your 
 passions, rely upon it, they will one day control you. 
 The intoxication of anger, like that of the grape, shows 
 us to others, but hides us from ourselves, and we injure 
 our own cause in the opinion of the world when we too 
 \ assionately and eagerly defend it. Neither will all 
 rner. be disposed to view our quarrels in the same light 
 that we do ; and a man's blindness to his own defects 
 will ever increase in proportion as he is angry with 
 ethers, or pleased with himself. An old English writer 
 Bays : 
 
 "As a preventative of anger, banish all tale-bearers 
 ind slanderers from your conversation, for it is these 
 
196 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK or ETIQUETTE. 
 
 blow the devil's bellows to rouse up the flames of ragu 
 ami fury, by fir^t abusing your ears, and then your cre- 
 dulity, and after that steal away your patience, and all 
 this, perhaps, for a lie. To prevent anger, be not too 
 inquisitive into the affairs of others, or what people say 
 of yourself, or into the mistakes of your friends, for this 
 is going out to gather sticks to kindle a fire to burn 
 your own house." 
 
 23. Keep good company or none. You will lose your 
 own self-respect, and habits of courtesy sooner and 
 more effectually by intercourse with low company, than 
 in any other manner ; while, in good company, these 
 virtues will be cultivated and become habitual. 
 
 29. Keep your engagements. Nothing is ruder than 
 to make an engagement, be it of business or pleasure, 
 and break it. If your memory is not sufficiently reten- 
 tive to keep all the engagements you make stored within 
 it, carry a little memorandum book and enter them there. 
 Especially, keep any appointment made with a lady, 
 for, depend upon it, the fair sex forgive any other fault 
 in good breeding, sooner than a broken engagement. 
 
 80. Avoid personality ; nothing is more ungentle- 
 manly. The tone of good company is marked by its 
 entire absence. Among well-informed persons there aro 
 plenty of topics to discuss, without giving pain to any 
 one present. 
 
 81. Make it a rule to be always punctual in keeping 
 an appointment, and, when it is convenient, be a little 
 beforehand. Such a habit ensures that composure and 
 ease which is the very essence of gentlemanly deport- 
 ment ; want of it keep? you always in a fever and bustle 
 
HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 197 
 
 and no man who is hurried and feverish appears so well 
 as he whose punctuality keeps him cool and composed. 
 
 32. It is right to cultivate a laudable ambition, but do 
 not exaggerate your capacity. The world will not give 
 you credit for half what you esteem yourself. Some men 
 think it so much gained to pass for more than they aio 
 worth ; but in most cases the deception will be discovered, 
 sooner or later, and the rebound will be greater than the 
 gain. We may, therefore, set it down as a truth, that 
 it is a damage to a man to have credit for greater powers 
 than he possesses. 
 
 83. Be ready to apologize when you have committed 
 a fault \vhich gives offence. Better, far better, to retain 
 a friend by a frank, courteous apology for offence given, 
 than to make an enemy by obstinately denying or per- 
 sisting in the fault. 
 
 34. An apology made to yourself must be accepted. 
 No matter how great the offence, a gentleman cannot 
 keep his anger after an apology has been made, and 
 thus, amongst truly well-bred men, an apology is always 
 accepted. 
 
 35. Unless you have something of real importance to 
 ask or communicate, do not stop a gentleman in the 
 street during business hours. You may detain him 
 from important engagements, and, though he may be tco 
 well-bred to show annoyance, he will not thank you fcr 
 Buch detention. 
 
 3G. If, when on your way to fulfil an engagement, a 
 friend stops you in the street, you may, without commit- 
 ting any breach of etiquette, tell him of your 
 
BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 ment, and release yourself from a long talk, but do so in" 
 a courteous manner, expressing regret for the necessity. 
 
 37. If, when meeting two gentlemen, you are obliged 
 to detain one of them, apologize to the other for so 
 doing, whether he is an acquaintance or a stranger, and 
 do not keep him waiting a moment longer than is neces- 
 sary, 
 
 88. Have you a sister? Then love and cherish her 
 with all that pure and holy friendship which renders a 
 brother so worthy and noble. Learn to appreciate her 
 sweet influence as portrayed in the following words: 
 
 " He who has never known a sister's kind administra- 
 tion. nor felt his heart warming beneath her endearing 
 smile and love-beaming eye, has been unfortunate indeed. 
 It is not to be wondered at if the fountains of pure feel- 
 ing flow in his bosom but sluggishly, or if the gentle 
 emotions of his nature be lost in the sterner attributes 
 of mankind. 
 
 "'That man has grown up among affectionate sisters/ 
 I once heard a lady of much observation and experience 
 remark. 
 
 '"And why do you think so?' said I. 
 
 "'Because of the rich development of all the tender 
 feolings of the heart.' 
 
 " A sister's influence is felt even in manhood's riper 
 years ; and the heart of him who has grown cold :n 
 chilly contact with the world will warm and thrill with 
 pure enjoyment as some accident awakens within him 
 the soft tones, the glad melodies of his sister's voice; 
 and he will turn from purposes which a warped and false 
 philosophy had reasoned into expediency, and even weep 
 
HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 199 
 
 for the gentle influences which moved him in his earlier 
 years." 
 
 The man who would treat a sister with harshness, 
 rudeness, or disrespect, is unworthy of the name of gen- 
 tleman, for he thus proves that the courtesies he extends 
 to other ladies, are not the promptings of the heart, but 
 the mere external signs of etiquette ; the husk without 
 the sweet fruit within. 
 
 89. When walking with a friend in the street, never 
 leave him to speak to another friend without apologizing 
 for so doing. 
 
 40. If walking with a lady, never leave her alone in 
 the street, under any circumstances. It is a gross viola- 
 tion of etiquette to do so. 
 
 41. The most truly gentlemanly man is he who is the 
 most unselfish, so I would say in the words of the 
 Rev. J. A. James : 
 
 "Live for some purpose in the world. Act your part 
 well. Fill up the measure of duty to others. Conduct 
 yourselves so that you shall be missed with sorrow when 
 you are gone. Multitudes of our species are living in 
 such a selfish manner that they are not likely to be re- 
 membered after their disappearance. They leave behind 
 them scarcely any traces of their existence, but are for- 
 gotten almost as though they had never been. They are 
 while they live, like one pebble lying unobserved amongst 
 a million on the shore; and when they die, they are like 
 that same pebble thrown into the sea, which just ruffles 
 the surface, sinks, and is forgotten, without being missed 
 from the beach. They are neither regretted by the rich, 
 wanted by the poor, nor celebrated by the learned. 
 
200 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 Who has been the better for their life? Who has been 
 the worse for their death? Whose tears have they dried 
 up? -whose wants supplied? whose miseries have they 
 healed? Who would unbar the gate of life, to re-admit 
 them to existence? or what face would greet them back 
 again to our world with a smile? Wretched, unpro- 
 ductive mode of existence ! Selfishness is its own curse ; 
 it is a starving vice. The man who does no good, gets 
 none. He is like the heath in the desert, neither yield- 
 ing fruit, nor seeing when good cometh a stunted, 
 dwarfish, miserable shrub." 
 
 42. Separate the syllables of the word gentleman, and 
 you will see that the first requisite must be gentleness 
 yentle-m&n. Mackenzie says, "Few persons are suffi- 
 ciently aware of the power of gentleness. It is slow in 
 working, but it is infallible in its results. It makes no 
 noise; it neither invites attention, nor provokes resist- 
 ance; but it is God's great law, in the moral as in the 
 natural world, for accomplishing great results. The 
 progressive dawn of day, the flow of the tide, the lapse 
 of time, the changes of the seasons these are carried 
 on by slow and imperceptible degrees, yet their progress 
 and issue none can mistake or resist. Equally certain 
 and surprising are the triumphs of gentleness. It as- 
 sumes nothing, yet it can disarm the stoutest opposition ; 
 it yields, but yielding is the element" of its strength ; it 
 endures, but in the warfare victory is not gained by doing, 
 but by suffering." 
 
 43. Perfect composure of manner requires perfect 
 peace of mind, so you should, as far as lies in human 
 power, avoid the evils which make an unquiet mind, ar4. 
 
HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 201 
 
 first of all, avoid that cheating, swindling process called 
 "running in debt." Owe no man anything; avoid it as 
 you would avoid war, pestilence, and famine. Hate it 
 with a perfect hatred. As" you value comfort, quiet, and 
 independence, keep out of debt. As you value a healthy 
 appetite, placid temper, pleasant dreams, and happy 
 wakings, keep out of debt. It is the hardest of all 
 task-masters; the most cruel of all oppressors. It is <* 
 mill-stone about the neck. It is an incubus on the 
 heart. It furrows the forehead with premature wrinkles. 
 It drags the nobleness and kindness out of the port arid 
 bearing of a man ; it takes the soul out of his laugh, and 
 all stateliness and freedom from his walk. Come not, 
 then, under its crushing dominion. 
 
 44. Speak gently ; a kind refusal will often wound 
 less than a rough, ungracious assent. 
 
 45. "In private, watch your thoughts , in your family, 
 watch your temper ; in society, watch your tongue." 
 
 46. The true secret of pleasing all the world, is to 
 have an humble' opinion of yourself. True goodness is 
 invariably accompanied by gentleness, courtesy, and hu- 
 mility. Those people who are always "sticking on their 
 dignity," are continually losing friends, making enemies, 
 and fostering a spirit of unhappiness in themselves. 
 
 47. Are you a merchant ? Remember that the count- 
 ing-house is no less a school of manners and temper than 
 a school of morals. Vulgarity, imperiousness, peevish- 
 ness, caprice on the part of the heads, will produce their 
 corresponding effects upon the household. Some mer- 
 chants are petty tyrants. Some are too surly to be fit 
 for any charge, unless it be that of taming a shiew 
 
202 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 The coarseness of others, in manner and language, must 
 either disgust or contaminate all their subordinates. In 
 one establishment you will encounter an unmanly levity, 
 which precludes all discipline. In another, a mock dig- 
 nity, which supplies the juveniles with a standing theme 
 of ridicule. In a third, a capriciousness of mood and 
 temper, which reminds one of the prophetic hints of the 
 weather in the old almanacks "windy" "cool"'' 
 "very pleasant" " blustering" "look out fur storms" 
 ami the like. And, in a fourth, a selfish acerbity, 
 which exacts the most unreasonable services, and never 
 cheers a clerk with a word of encouragement. These 
 are sad infirmities. Men ought not to have clerks until 
 they know how to treat them. Their own comfort, too, 
 would be greatly enhanced by a different deportment. 
 
 48. If you are about to enter, or leave, a store or any 
 door, and unexpectedly meet a lady going the- other way, 
 stand aside and raise your hat whilst she passes. If she 
 is going the same way, and the door is closed, pass be- 
 fore her, saying, "alldw me," or, "permit me," open 
 the door, and hold it open whilst she passes. 
 
 49. In entering a room where you will meet ladies, 
 take your hat, cane, and gloves in your left hand, that 
 your right may be free to offer to them. 
 
 50. Never offer to shake hands with a lady; she wil! 5 
 if she wishes you to do so, offer her hand to you, an 1 it 
 is an impertinence for you to do so first. 
 
 51. If you are seated in the most comfortable chair 
 in a public room, and a lady, an invalid, or an old man 
 enters, rise, and offer your seat, even if they are ' 
 strangers to you. Many men will attend to these civili* 
 
HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 203 
 
 ties when with friends or acquaintances, and neglect 
 them amongst strangers, but the true gentleman tvill not 
 wait for an introduction before performing an act of 
 courtesy. 
 
 52. As both flattery and slander are in the highest 
 degree blameable and ungcntlemanly, I would quote the 
 rule of Bishop Beveridge, which effectually prevents both. 
 lie says, "Never speak of a man's virtue before his 
 face, nor of his faults behind his back." 
 
 53. Never enter a room, in which there are ladies, 
 ifter smoking, until you have purified both your mouth, 
 teeth, hair, and clothes. If you wish to smoke just be- 
 fore entering a saloon, wear an old coat and carefully 
 brush your hair and teeth before resuming your own. 
 
 54. Never endeavor to attract the attention of a 
 a-iend by nudging him, touching his foot or hand se- 
 cretly, or making him a gesture. If you cannot speak 
 to him frankly, you had best let him alone ; for theso 
 signals are generally made with the intention of ridicul- 
 ing a third person, and that is the height of rudeness. 
 
 55. Button-holding is a common but most blameable 
 breach of good manners. If a man requires to be forci- 
 bly detained to listen to you, you are as rude in thus de- 
 taining him. as if you had put a pistol to his head and 
 threatened to blow his brains out if he stirred. 
 
 56. It is a great piece of rudeness to make a remark 
 in general company, which is intelligible to one person 
 only. To call out, "George, I met D. L. yesterday, 
 and he says he will attend to that matter," is as bad as 
 if you went to George and whispered in his ear. 
 
 57. In ycur intercourse with servants, nothing will 
 
204 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 mark you as a well-bred man, so much as a gentle, 
 courteous manner. A request will make your wishes at- 
 tended to as quickly as a command, and thanks- for a 
 service, oil the springs of the servant's labor immensely. 
 Hough, harsh commands may make your orders obeyed 
 well and promptly, but they will be executed unwillingly, 
 in foar, and, probably, dislike, while courtesy and kind- 
 ness will win a willing spirit as well as prompt service. 
 
 58. Avoid eccentric conduct. It does not, as many sup- 
 pose, mark a man of genius. Most men of true genius 
 are gentlemanly and reserved in their intercourse with 
 other men, and there are many fools whose folly is called 
 eccentricity. 
 
 59. Avoid familiarity. Neither treat others with too 
 great cordiality nor suffer them to take liberties with 
 you. To check the familiarity of others, you need not 
 become stiff, sullen, nor cold, but you will find that ex- 
 cessive politeness on your own part, sometimes with a 
 little formality, will soon abash the intruder. 
 
 60. Lazy, lounging attitudes in the presence of ladies 
 are very rude. 
 
 61. It is only the most arrant coxcomb who will boast 
 of the. favor shown him by a lady, speak of her by her 
 first name, or allow others to jest with him upon his 
 friendship or admiration for her. If he really admires 
 her, and has reason to hope for a future engagement with 
 her, her name should be as sacred to him as if she were 
 already his wife; if, on the contrary, he is not on inti- 
 mate terms with her, then he adds a lie to bin excessively 
 bad breeding, when using her name familiar iy. 
 
HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 206 
 
 62. "He that can please nobody is not so much to be 
 pitied as he that nobody can please." 
 
 63. Speak without obscurity or affectation. The first 
 13 a mark of pedantry, the second a sign of folly. A 
 wise man will speak always clearly and intelligibly. 
 
 64 To betray a confidence is to make yourself des- 
 picable Many things are said among friends which are 
 not said under a seal of secrecy, but are understood to 
 be confidential, and a truly honorable man will nevfr 
 violate this tacit confidence. It is really as sacred as if 
 the most solemn promise? of silence bound your tongue; 
 more so, indeed, to the true gentleman, as his sense of 
 honor, not his word, binds him. 
 
 65. Chesterfield says, "As learning, honor, and virtue 
 are absolutely necessary to gain you the esteem and ad- 
 miration of mankind, politeness and good breeding are 
 equally necessary to make you welcome and agreeable 
 in conversation and common life. Great talents, such 
 as honor, virtue, learning, and parts are above the gen- 
 erality of the world, who neither possess them them- 
 selves nor judge of them rightly in others; but all peo- 
 ple are judges of the lesser talents, such as civility, affa- 
 bility, and an obliging, agreeable address and manner; 
 because they feel the good effects of them, as making 
 society easy and pleasing." 
 
 66. "Good sense must, in many cases, determine good 
 breeding; because the same thing that would be civil at 
 one time and to one person, may be quite otherwise at 
 another time and to another person." 
 
 67. Nothing can be more ill-bred than to me( t a polite 
 
206 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 remark addressed to you, either with inattention or a 
 rude answer. 
 
 68. Spirit is now a very fashionable word, but ft is 
 terribly misapplied. In the present day to act with spirit 
 and speak with spirit means to act rashly and speak in- 
 discretely. A gentleman shows his spirit by firm, but 
 geatlu words and resolute actions. He is spirited but 
 neither rash nor timid. 
 
 G9. "Use kind words. They do not cost much. It 
 docs not take long to utter them. They never blister 
 the tongue or lips in their passage into the world, or oc- 
 casion any other kind of bodily suffering. And we have 
 never heard of any mental trouble arising from this 
 quarter. 
 
 " Though they do not COST much, yet they ACCOMPLISH 
 much. They help one's own good nature and good will. 
 One cannot be in a habit of this kind, without thereby 
 picking away something of the granite roughness of his 
 own nature. Soft words will soften his own soul. Phi- 
 losophers tell us that the angry words a man uses, in his 
 passion, are fuel to the flame of his wrath, and make it 
 blaze the more fiercely. Why, then, should not words 
 of the opposite character produce opposite results, and 
 that most blessed of all passions of the soul, kindness, 
 be augmented by kind words? People that are forever 
 speaking kindly, are forever disinclining themselves to 
 ill-temper. 
 
 "Kind words make other people good natured. Cold 
 words freeze people, and hot words sczrch them, and 
 sarcastic words irritate them, and bitter words make 
 <b>m bitter, and wrathful words make them wrathful. 
 
HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 207 
 
 And kin 3 words also produce their own image on men's 
 souls. And a beautiful image it is. They soothe, and 
 quiet, and comfort the hearer. They shame him out of 
 his sour, morose, unkind feelings, and he has to become 
 kind himself. 
 
 " There is such a rush of all other kind of words, in 
 our days, that it seems desirable to give kind words a 
 chance among them. There are vain words, and idlo 
 words, and hasty words, and spiteful words, and silly 
 words, and empty words. Now, kind words are better 
 than the whole of them, and it is a pity that, among the 
 improvements, of the present age, birds of this feather 
 might not have more chance than they have had to spread 
 their wings. 
 
 "Kind words are in danger of being driven from the 
 field, like frightened pigeons, in these days of boisterous 
 words, and warlike words, and passionate words. They 
 have not the brass to stand up, like so many grenadiers, 
 and fight their own way among the throng. Besides, 
 they have been out of use so long, that they hardly know 
 whether they have any right to make their appearance 
 any more in our bustling world; not knowing but that, 
 perhaps, the world was done with them, and would not 
 like their company any more. 
 
 "Let us welcome them back. We have not done with 
 theLi. We have not yet begun to use them in such 
 abundance as they ought to be used. We cannot spare 
 them." 
 
 70. The first step towards pleasing every one is to 
 endeavor to offend up one. To give pain by a light or 
 jesting remark is as much a breach of etiquette, as tc 
 
20H GENTLEMEN'S BOOK 01 ETIQUETTE. 
 
 give pain by a wound made with a steel weapon, is a 
 breach of humanity. 
 
 71. "A gentleman will never use his tongue to rail 
 and brawl against any one ; to speak evil of others in 
 their absence; to exaggerate any of his statements; to 
 speak harshly to children or to the poor; to swear, lie, 
 or use improper language; to hazard random and im- 
 probable statements; to speak rashly or violently upon 
 any subject; to deceive people by circulating false reports, 
 or to offer up fop-service in religion. But he will use it 
 to convey to mankind useful information ; to instruct Lia 
 family and others who need it ; to warn and reprove the 
 wicked; to comfort and console the afflicted: to cheer 
 the timid and fearful; to defend the innocent and op- 
 pressed; to plead for the widow and orphan; to con- 
 gratulate the success of the virtuous, and to confess, 
 tearfully and prayerfully, his faults." 
 
 72. Chesterfield says, " Civility is particularly due to 
 all women ; and, remember, that no provocation whatso- 
 ever can justify any man in not being civil to every 
 woman; and the greatest man would justly be reckoned 
 a brute if he were not civil to the meanest woman. It 
 is due to their sex, and is the only protection they havo 
 against the superior strength of ours; nay, even a little 
 is allowable with women: and a man may, without 
 weakness, tell a women she is either handsomer or wiser 
 than she is." (Chesterfield would not have said this in 
 the present age of strong minded, sensible women.) 
 
 73. Thero is much tact and good breeding to bo dis- 
 played in the correction of any little error that may 
 vccur in conversation. To say, shortly, "You are 
 
HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEi'ORTMENr. 20S 
 
 wrong! I know better!" is rude, and your friends wii! 
 much more readily admit an error if you say courteously 
 arid gently, " Pardon me, but I must take the liberty of 
 correcting you," or, "You will allow me, I am sure, to 
 tell you that your informant made'an error." If such 
 an error is of no real importance, it is better to let it 
 pass unnoticed. 
 
 74. Intimate friends and relations should be careful 
 whn they go out into the world together, or admit 
 others to their own circle, that they do not make a bad 
 use of the knowledge which they have gained of each 
 other by their intimacy. Nothing is more common than 
 this; and, did it not mostly proceed from mere careless- 
 ness, it would be superlatively ungenerous. You seldom 
 need wait for the written life of a man to hear about his 
 weaknesses, or what are supposed to be such, if you know 
 his intimate friends, or meet him in company with them. 
 
 75. In making your first visit anywhere, you will be 
 less apt to offend by being too ceremonious, than by 
 being too familiar. 
 
 76. With your friends remember the old proverb, that, 
 "Familiarity breeds contempt." 
 
 77. If you meet, in society, with any one, be it a 
 gentleman or a lady, whose timidity or bashfulness, 
 shows them unaccustomed to meeting others, endeavor, 
 by your own gentleness and courtesy, to place them more 
 at ease, and introduce to them those who will aid you in 
 this endeavor. 
 
 78. If, when walking with a gentleman friend, you 
 meet a lady to whom your friend bows, you, too, must 
 
 14 
 
210 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK CF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 * 
 
 touch or raise your hat, though you arc m t acquainted 
 with the lady. 
 
 79. "Although it is now very much the custom, in 
 many wealthy families, for the butler to remove tho 
 (Jiylies from the table' and carve them on the sideboard, 
 thus saving trouble to the master or mistress cf the 
 house, and time to the guests, the practice is not so gen- 
 eral even amongst what are called the higher classes of 
 society that general instructions for carving will be un- 
 interesting to them, to say nothing of the more numerous 
 class, who, although enabled to place good dishes before 
 their friends, are not wealthy enough to keep a butler 
 if they were so inclined. Good carving is, to a certain 
 extent, indicative of good society, for it proves to com- 
 pany that the host does not give a dinner party for the 
 first time, but is accustomed to receive friends, and fre- 
 quently to dispense the cheer of a hospitable board. 
 The master or mistress of a house, who does not know 
 how to carve, is not unfrequently looked upon as an ig- 
 norant parvenu* as a person who cannot take a hand at 
 whist, in good society, is regarded as one who has passed 
 his time in the parlor of a public house, playing at crib- 
 bage or all fours. Independently, however, of the im- 
 portance of knowing how to carve well, for the purpose 
 of regaling one's friends and acquaintances, the science, 
 and it is a science, is a valuable acquirement for any 
 man, as it enables him, at a public or private dinner, to 
 render valuable aid. There are many dine/s-out whe 
 are welcome merely because they know how to carve. 
 Some men amuse by their conversation; others are fa- 
 vorites because they can sing a good song; but the man 
 
HINTS POlt OENTLEMAXLY Di- i'O'llTMEXT. 211 
 
 who makes himself useful and agreeable to all, is he who 
 carves with elegance and speed. We reeonmend the 
 novice in this art, to keep a watchful eye upon every su- 
 perior carver whom he may meet at dinner. In this way 
 he will soon hecome well versed in the art and mystery 
 of cutting up." 
 
 80. Years may pass over our heads without affording 
 an opportunity for acts of high beneficence or extensive 
 utility; whereas, not a day passes, but in common trans- 
 actions of life, and, especially in the intercourse of so- 
 ciety, courtesy finds place for promoting the happiness 
 of others, and for strengthening in ourselves the habits 
 of unselfish politeness. There are situations, not a few, 
 in human life, when an encouraging reception, a conde- 
 scending behaviour, and a look of sympathy, bring 
 greater relief to the heart than the most bountiful gift. 
 
 81. Cecil says, "You may easily make a sensation 
 but a sensation is a vulgar triumph. To keep up the 
 sensation of an excitement, you must be always standing 
 on your head (morally speaking), and the attitude, like 
 everything overstrained, would become fatiguing to your- 
 self and tedious to others. Whereas, to obtain perma- 
 nent favor, as an agreeable, well-bred man, requires 
 simply an exercise of .the understanding." 
 
 82. There is no vice more truly ungentlemanly than 
 that of using profane language. Lament says : 
 
 "Whatever fortune may be made by perjury, I believe 
 there never was a man who made a fortune by comm< n 
 swearing. It often appears that men pay for swearing, 
 but it seldom happens that they are paid for it. It is 
 not easy to perceive what honor or credit is connected 
 
212 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 with it. Docs any man receive promotion bemuse he is 
 a notable blusterer? Or is any man advanced to dignity 
 because be is expert at profane swearing? Never. Low 
 must bo the character which such impertinence will 
 exalt: high must be the character which such imperti- 
 nence will not degrade. Inexcusable, therefore, must 
 be the practice which has neither reason nor passion to 
 support it. The drunkard has his cups; the satirist, his 
 revenge; the ambitious man, his preferments; the miser, 
 his gold; but the common swearer has nothing; he is i\ 
 fool at large, sells his soul for nought, and drudges in 
 the service of the devil gratis. Swearing is void of all 
 plea; it is not the native offspring of the soul, nor inter- 
 woven with the texture "of the body, nor, anyhow, allied 
 to our frame. For, as Tillotson expresses it, ' Though 
 some men pour out oaths as if they were natural, yet no 
 man was ever born of a swearing constitution.' But it 
 is a custom, a low and a paltry custom, picked up by low 
 and paltry spirits who have no sense of honor, no regard 
 to decency, but are forced to substitute some rhapsody 
 of nonsense to supply the vacancy of good sense 
 Hence, the silliness of the practice can only be equalled 
 by the silliness of those who adopt it." 
 
 83. Dr. Johnson says that to converse well " there 
 must, in the first place, bo knowledge there must be 
 materials; in the second place, there must be a command 
 of words; in the third place, there must be imagination 
 to place things in such views as they are r.ot commonly 
 seen in; and, in the fourth place, there must be a 
 presence of mini, and a resolution that is not to be o/ei- 
 
HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 213 
 
 come by failure this last is an essential requisite ; for 
 want of it, many people do not excel in conversation." 
 
 84. "Do not constantly endeavor to draw the atten- 
 tion of all upon yourself when in company. Leave room 
 for your hearers to imagine something within you beyond 
 what you speak ; and, remember, the more you are 
 Braised the more you will be envied." 
 
 85. Be very careful to treat with attention and re- 
 spect those who have lately met with misfortunes, or 
 have suffered from loss of fortune. Such persons are 
 apt to think themselves slighted, when no such thing is 
 intended. Their minds, being already sore, feel the 
 least rub very severely, and who would thus cruelly add 
 affliction to the afflicted ? Not the gentleman certainly. 
 
 86. There is hardly any bodily blemish which a win- 
 ning behavior will not conceal or make tolerable; and 
 there is no external grace which ill-nature or affectation 
 will not deform. 
 
 87. Good humor is the only shield to keep off the 
 darts of the satirist ; but if you are the first to laugh at 
 a jest made upon yourself, others will laugh with you 
 instead of at you. 
 
 88. Whenever you see a person insult his "inferiors, 
 you may feel assured that he is the man who will be 
 
 'gervile and cringing to his superiors; and he who acts 
 the bully to the weak, will play the coward when with 
 the strong. 
 
 89. Maintain, in every word, a strict regard for 
 perfect truth. Do not think of one falsity as harmless, 
 another as slight, a third as unintended. Cast them all 
 isidc. They may be light and accidental, but they ar<? 
 
214 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 an ugly soot from the smoke of the pit for all that, and 
 it is better to have your heart swept clean of them, 
 without stopping to consider whether they are large and 
 black. 
 
 00. The advantage and necessity of cheerfulness and 
 intelligent intercourse with the world is strongly to be 
 recommended. A man who keeps aloof from society and 
 lives only for himself, does not fulfil the wise intentions 
 of Providence, who designed that we should be a mutual 
 help and comfort to each other in life. 
 
 91. Chesterfield says, "Merit and good breeding will 
 make their way everywhere. Knowledge will introduce 
 man, and good breeding will endear him to the best 
 companies; for, politeness and good breeding are abso- 
 lutely necessary to adorn any, or all, other good qualities 
 or talents. Without them, no knowledge, no perfection 
 whatever, is seen in its best light. The scholar, without 
 good breeding, is a pedant; the philosopher, a cynic; 
 the soldier, a brute; and every man disagreeable." 
 
 92. It is very seldom that a man may permit him- 
 self to tell stories in society; they are, generally, 
 tedious, and, to many present, will probably have all the 
 weariness of a "twice-told tale." A short, brilliant an- 
 ecdote, which is especially applicable to the conversation 
 going on, is all that a well-bred man will ever permit 
 himself to inflict. 
 
 93. It is better to take the tone of the society into 
 which you are thrown, than to endeavor to lead others 
 after you. The way to become truly popular is to bo 
 grave with the grave, jest with the gay, and converse 
 sensibly with those who seek to display their sense. 
 
HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 215 
 
 04. Watch each of jour actions, when in society, that 
 all the habits which you contract there may be useful 
 and good ones. Like flakes of snow that fall un- 
 perceived upon the earth, the seemingly unimportant 
 events of life succeed one another. As the snow gathers 
 together, so are our habits formed. No single flake that 
 is added to the pile produces a sensible change no single 
 action creates, however it may exhibit, a man's character: 
 but, as the tempest hurls the avalanche down the moun- 
 tain, and overwhelms the inhabitant and his habitation, 
 BO passion, acting upon the elements of mischief, which 
 pernicious habits have brought together by imperceptible 
 accumulation, may overthrow 4he edifice of truth and 
 virtue. 
 
 95. There is no greater fault in good breeding than 
 too great diffidence. Shyness cramps every motion, 
 clogs every word. The only way to overcome the fault 
 is to mix constantly in society, and the habitual inter- 
 course with others will give you the graceful ease of 
 manner which shyness utterly destroys. 
 
 96. If you are obliged to leave a large company at 
 an early hour, take French leave. Slip away unper- 
 ccived, if you can, but, at any rate, without any formal 
 leave-taking. 
 
 97. Avoid quarrels. If you are convinced, even, that 
 you have the right side in an argument, yield your 
 opinion gracefully, if this is the only way to avoid a 
 quarrel, saying, " We cannot agree, I see, but this ina- 
 bility must not deprive me of a friend, so we will discuss 
 the subject no further." Few men will be able to resist 
 your courtesy and good nature, but many would try to 
 
216 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 combat an obstinate adherence to your own side of the 
 question. 
 
 98. Avoid the filthy habit of which foreigners in this 
 country so justly complain I mean spitting. 
 
 99. If any one bows to you in the street, return the 
 bow. It may be an acquaintance whose face you do 
 not immediately recognize, and if it is a stranger who 
 mistakes you for another, your courteous bow will relievo 
 him from the embarrassment arising from his mistake. 
 
 100. The followng hints on conversation conclude the 
 chapter : 
 
 " Conversation may be carried on successfully by per- 
 sons who have no idea that it is or may be an art, as 
 clever things are sometimes done without study. But 
 there can be no certainty of good conversation in or- 
 dinary circumstances, and amongst ordinary minds, 
 unless certain rules be observed, and certain errors be 
 avoided. 
 
 " The first and greatest rule unquestionably is, that 
 all must be favorably disposed towards each other, and 
 willing to be pleased. There must be no sullen or un- 
 easy-looking person no one who evidently thinks he 
 has fallen into unsuitable company, and whose sole aim 
 it is to take care lest his dignity be injured no one 
 whose feelings are of so morose or ascetic a kind that lie 
 cannot join without observable pain and hesitation in the 
 playfulness of the scene no matter-of-fact person, who 
 takes all things literally, and means all things literally, 
 arid thinks it as great a crime to say something in jest 
 as to do it in earnest. One of any of these classes 
 of persons is sufficient to mar the enjoyments of a 
 
HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT 211 
 
 dred. The matter-of-factish may do very well with the 
 matter-of-factish, the morose with the morose, the stilted 
 with the stilted; and they should accordingly keep 
 amongst themselves respectively. But, for what is gen- 
 erally recognized as agreeable conversation, minds ex- 
 empted from these peculiarities are required. 
 
 "The ordinary rules of politeness are, of course, ne- 
 cessary no rudeness, no offence to each other's self- 
 esteem ; on the contrary, much mutual deference is re- 
 quired, in order to keep all the elements of a company 
 sweet. Sometimes, however, there is a very turbid kind 
 of conversation, where there is no want of common good 
 breeding. This, most frequently, arises from there being 
 too great a disposition to speak, and too small a disposi- 
 tion to listen. Too many are eager to get their ideaa 
 expressed, or to attract attention ; and the consequence 
 is, that nothing is heard but broken snatches and frag- 
 ments ojf discourse, in which there is neither profit nor 
 entertainment. No man listens to what another has to 
 say, and then makes a relative or additionally illustrative 
 remark. One may be heard for a minute, or half a 
 minute, but it is with manifest impatience ; and the mo- 
 ment he is done, or stops to draw breath, the other 
 plunges in with what he had to say, being something 
 quite of another strain, and referring to another subject. 
 He in his turn is interrupted by a third, with the enun- 
 ciation of some favorite ideas of his, equally irrelative ; 
 and thus conversation becomes no conversation, but a 
 contention for permission to speak a few hurried words, 
 which nobody cares to hear, or takes the trouble to 
 answer. Meanwhile, the modest and weak sit silent and 
 
21 h GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 ungratified. The want of regulation is here very mani* 
 fest. It would be better to have a president who should 
 allow everybody a minute in succession to speak without 
 interruption, than thus to have freedom, and so mon- 
 strously to abuse it. The only remedy, as far as meet- 
 ings by invitation are concerned, is to take care that no 
 in >re eager talkers are introduced than are absolutely 
 necessary to prevent conversation from flagging. One 
 to e^ery six or eight persons is the utmost that can bo 
 safely allowed. 
 
 "The danger of introducing politics^ or any other no* 
 toriously controversial subject, in mixed companies, is so 
 generally acknowledged, that conversation is in little 
 danger at least in polite circles from that source. 
 But wranglements, nevertheless, are apt to arise. Very 
 frequently the company falls together by the ears in 
 consequence of the starting of some topic in which facts 
 are concerned with which facts no one chances to be 
 acquainted. 
 
 " Conversation is often much spoilt through slight in 
 attentions or misapprehensions on the part of a particu- 
 lar member of the company. In the midst of some in- 
 teresting narrative or discussion, he suddenly puts all to 
 a stop, in order that some little perplexity may be ex- 
 plained, which he could never have fallen into, if he had 
 been paying a fair degree of attention to what was going 
 on. Or he has some precious prejudice jarred upon by 
 something said, or supposed to be said, and all is at a 
 Btand, till he has been, through the united exertions of a 
 vexed company, re- assured and put at his ease. Often 
 the most frivolous interruption from such caupcs will di* 
 
HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 21S 
 
 concert the whole strain of the conversation, and spoil 
 the enjoyment of a score of people. 
 
 "The eager speakers, already alluded to, are a differ- 
 ent class from those who may be called the determinedly 
 loquacious. A thoroughly loquacious man has no i lea 
 of anything but a constant outpouring of talk from his 
 own mouth. If he stops for a moment, he thinks he 
 is not doing his duty to the company; and, anxious that 
 there should be no cause of complaint against him on 
 that score, he rather repeats a sentence, or gives the 
 same idea in different words, or hums and haws a little, 
 than allow the least pause to take place. The notion 
 that any other body can be desirous of saying a word, 
 never enters his head. He would as soon suppose that 
 a beggar was anxious to bestow alms upon him, as that 
 any one could wish to speak, as long as he himself was 
 willing to save them the trouble. Any attempt to inter- 
 rupt him is quite hopeless. The only effect of the sound 
 of another voice is to raise the sound of his own, so as 
 to drown it. Even to give a slight twist or turn to the 
 flow of his ideas, is scarce possible. When a decided 
 attempt is made to get in a few words, he only says, with 
 an air of offended feeling, set off with a tart courtesy, 
 * Allow me sir,' or, 'When you are done, sir;' as if he 
 were a man whom nobody would allow, on any occasion, 
 to say all he had to say. If, however, he has been per- 
 mitted to talk on and on incessantly a whole evening, 
 to the complete closing of the mouths of the rest, ho 
 goes away with all the benevolent glow of feeling which 
 arises from a gratified faculty, remarking to the gentle- 
 man who takes his arm, ' What a great deal of pleasant 
 
220 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF EICQUJSTTE. 
 
 conversation we have had!' and chatters forth all tlva 
 way home such sentences as, 'Excellent fellow, our host,' 
 'charming wife,' 'delightful family altogether,' 'always 
 make everybody so happy.' 
 
 "Another class of spoilers of conversation are the loud 
 talkers or blusterers. They are not numerous, but one 
 is enough to destroy the comfort of thirty people for a 
 flhole evening. The least opposition to any of his ideas 
 makes the blusterer rise in his rnignt, and bellow, and 
 roar, and bellow again, till the whole company is in 
 something like the condition of ^Eneas's fleet after Eolus 
 has done his worst. The society enjoyed by this kind 
 of man is a series of first invitations. 
 
 "While blusterers and determinedly loquacious persons 
 are best left to themselves, and while endless worryings 
 on unknown things are to be avoided, it is necessary 
 both that one or two good conversationists should be at 
 every party, and that the strain of the conversation 
 should not be allowed to become too tame. In all in- 
 vited parties, eight of every ten persons are disposed to 
 hold their peace, or to confine themselves to monosyl- 
 labic answers to commonplace inquiries. It is necessary, 
 therefore, that there should be some who can speak, and 
 that fluently, if not entertainingly only not too many. 
 But all engrossing of conversation, and all turbulence, 
 and over-eagerness, and egotism, are to be condemned. 
 A very soft and quiet manner has, at last, been settled 
 upon, in the more elevated circles, as the best for con- 
 versation. Perhaps they carry it to a pitch of affecta- 
 tion; but, ye% when we observe the injurious conse- 
 quences of the opposite style in less polite companies, it 
 
HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. 22 J 
 
 js not easy to avoid the conclusion that the great folks 
 are, upon the whole, right. In the courtly scene, no 
 one has his ears offended with loud and discordant tones, 
 no one is condemned to absolute silence. All display in 
 conversation will not depend on the accidental and ex- 
 ternal quality of strength of voice, as it must do where 
 a loud and contentious style of talking is allowed; the 
 soft-toned and the weak-lunged will have as good a 
 chance as their more robust neighbors; and it will be 
 possible for all both to speak and to hear. There may 
 be another advantage in its being likely to produce less 
 mental excitement than the more turbulent kind of so- 
 ciety. But regulation is, we are persuaded, the thing 
 most of all wanted in the conversational meetings of the 
 middle classes. People interrupt each other too much 
 are too apt to run away into their own favorite themes, 
 without caring for the topic of their neighbors too fre- 
 quently wrangle about trifles. The regularity of a de- 
 bating society would be intolerable; but some certain 
 degree of method might certainly be introduced with 
 great advantage. There should, at least, be a vigorous 
 enforcement of the rule against more than one speaking 
 at a time, even though none of those waiting for their 
 turn should listen to a word he says. Without this there 
 may be much talk, and even some merriment, but no cua* 
 \rersation." 
 
222 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 PARTIES. 
 
 Now, there are many different kir.ds of parties. 
 There are the evening party, the matine'e, the reading, 
 dancing, and sin'ging parties, the picnic, the boating, 
 and the riding parties ; and the duties for each one are 
 distinct, yet, in many points, similar. Our present sub- 
 ject is : 
 
 THE EVENING PARTY. 
 
 These are of two kinds, large and small. For the 
 first, you will receive a formal card, containing the com- 
 pliments of your hostess for a certain evening, and this 
 calls for full dress, a dress coat, and white or very light 
 gloves. To the small party you will probably be invited 
 verbally, or by a more familiar style of note than the 
 compliment card. Here you may wear gloves if you 
 will, but you need not do so unless perfectly agreeable to 
 yourself. 
 
 If you are to act as escort to a lady, you must call at 
 Ihe hour she chooses to name, and the most elegant way 
 n to take a carriage for her. If you wish to present a 
 bouquet, you may do so with perfect propriety, even if 
 you have but a slight acquaintance with her. 
 
PARTIES. 223 
 
 When you reach the house of jour hostess for the 
 evening, escort your companion to the dressing-room, 
 and leave her at the door. After you have deposited 
 your own hat and great-coat in the gentlemen's dressing 
 room, return to the ladies' door and wait for your com- 
 panion. Offer her your right arm, and lead her to tho 
 drawing-room, and, at once, to the hostess, then take her 
 to a seat, and remain with her until she has other com- 
 panions, before you seek any of your own friends in the 
 room. 
 
 There is much more real enjoyment and sociability in 
 a well-arranged party, than in a ball, though many of 
 the points of etiquette to be observed in the latter are 
 equally applicable to the former. There is more time 
 allowed for conversation, and, as there are not so many 
 people collected, there is also more opportunity for 
 forming acquaintances. At a soiree, par excellence, 
 music, dancing, and conversation are all admissible, and 
 if the hostess has tact and discretion this variety is very 
 pleasing. As there are many times when there is no 
 pianist or music engaged for dancing, you will do well, 
 if you are a performer on the piano-forte, to learn some 
 quadrilles, and round dances, that you may volunteer 
 your services as orchestra. Do not, in this case, wait to 
 be solicited to play, but offer your services to the hostess, 
 or, if there is a lady at the piano, ask permission to re- 
 lieve her. To turn the leaves for another, and some- 
 times call figures, are also good natured and well-bred 
 actions. 
 
 There is one piece of rudeness very common at parties, 
 against which I would caution you. Young people very 
 
224 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 often form a group, and indulge in the most boisterous 
 merriment and loud laughter, for jests known only to 
 themselves. Do not join such a group. A "well-bred 
 man, while he is cheerful and gay, will avoid any ap- 
 poarance of romping in society. 
 
 If dancing is to be the amusement for the evening, 
 y>ur first dance should be with the lady whom you ac- 
 companied, then, invite your hostess, and, if there arc 
 several ladies in the family you must invite each of them 
 once, in the course of the evening. If you go alone, 
 invite the ladies of the house before dancing with any 
 of your other lady friends. 
 
 Never attempt any dance with which you are not per- 
 fectly familiar. Nothing is more awkward and annoy- 
 ing than to have one dancer, by his ignorance of the 
 figures, confuse all the others in the set, and certainly 
 no man wants to show off his ignorance of the steps oi 
 a round dance before a room full of company. 
 
 Do not devote yourself too much to one lady. A 
 party is meant to promote sociability, and a man who 
 persists in a te"te-a-tete for the evening, destroys this in- 
 tention. Besides you prevent others from enjoying the 
 pleasure of intercourse with the lady you thus monopo- 
 lize. 
 
 Avoid any affectation of great intimacy with any lady 
 present; and even if you really enjoy such intimacy, or 
 she is a relative, do not appear to have confidential con- 
 versation, or, in any other way, affect airs of secrecy or 
 great familiarity. 
 
 Dance easily and gracefully, keeping perfect time, 
 but not taking too great pains with your steps. If you! 
 
PARTIES. 225 
 
 whole attention is given to your feet or carriage, you will 
 probably be mistaken for a dancing master. 
 
 When you Conduct your partner to a seat after a 
 dance, you may sit or stand beside her to converae, un 
 less you see that another gentleman is waiting to invite 
 her to dance. 
 
 Do not take the vacant seat next a lady unless you 
 are acquainted with her. 
 
 After dancing, do not offer your hand, but your arm, 
 to conduct your partner to her seat. 
 
 If music is tailed for and you are able to play or sing, 
 do so when first invited, or, if you refuse then, do not 
 afterwards comply. If you refuse, and then alter your 
 mind you will either be considered a vain coxcomb, who 
 likes to be urged ; or some will conclude that you refused 
 at first from mere caprice, for, if you had a good reason 
 for declining, why change your mind? 
 
 Never offer to turn the leaves of music for any one 
 playing, unless you can read the notes, for you run the 
 risk of confusing them, by turning too soon or too late. 
 
 If you sing a good second, never sing with a lady un- 
 less she herself invites you. Her friends may wish to 
 hear you sing together, when she herself may not wish 
 to sing with one to whose voice and time she is unaccus- 
 tomed. 
 
 Do not start a conversation whilst any one is eit\er 
 playing or singing, and if another person commences one, 
 speak in a tone that will not prevent others from listen- 
 ing to the music. 
 
 If you play yourself, do not wait for silence in the 
 room before you begin. If you play well, those realty 
 15 
 
V26 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 fond of music will cease to converse, and listen to yon ; 
 and those who do not care for it, will not stop talking 
 if you wait upon the piano stool until day dawn. 
 
 Relatives should avoid each other at a party, as they 
 3an enjoy one another's society at home, and it Is tho 
 cons;antly changing intercourse, and complete sociability 
 that make a party pleasant. 
 
 Private concerts and amateur theatricals are very often 
 the occasions for evening parties, and make a very plea- 
 sant variety on the usual dancing and small talk. An 
 English writer, speaking of them, says: 
 
 "Private concerts and amateur theatricals ought to be 
 rery good to be successful. Professionals alone should 
 be engaged for the former, none but real amateurs for the 
 latter. Both ought to be, but rarely are, followed by a 
 supper, since they are generally very fatiguing, if not 
 positively trying. In any case, refreshments and icea 
 should be handed between the songs and the acts. Pri- 
 vate concerts are often given in the t morning,' that is, 
 from two to six P. M. ; in the evening their hours are 
 from eight to eleven. The rooms should bo arranged in 
 the same manner as for a reception, the guests should be 
 seated, and as music is the avowed object, a general 
 silence preserved while it lasts. Between the songs tho 
 conversation ebbs back again, and the party takes the 
 general form of a reception. For private theatricals, 
 however, where there is no special theatre, and where tho 
 curtain is hung, as is most common, between the folding- 
 doors, the audience-room must be filled with chairs and 
 benches in rows, and, if possible, the back rows raised 
 higher than the others. These are often removed wh in 
 
PARTIES. 22? 
 
 fche performance is over, and the guests then converse, 
 or, sometimes, even dance. During the act : ng it is rude 
 to talk, except in a very low tone, and, be it good or 
 bad, you would never think of hissing." 
 
 If you are alone, and obliged to retire early fiom an 
 evening party, do not take leave of your hostess, but slip 
 away unperceived. 
 
 If you have escorted a lady, her time must be jours, 
 and she will tell you when she is ready to go. See 
 whether the carriage has arrived before she goes to the 
 dressing-room, and return to the parlor to tell her. If 
 the weather was pleasant when you left home, and you 
 walked, ascertain whether it is still pleasant ; if not, pro- 
 cure a carriage for your companion. When it is at the 
 door, join her in the drawing-room, and offer your arm 
 to lead her to the hostess for leave-taking, making your 
 own parting bow at the same time, then take your com- 
 panion to the door of the ladies' dressing-room, get your 
 own hat and wait in the entry until she comes out. 
 
 When you reach your companion's house, do not ac- 
 cept her invitation to enter, but ask permission to call in 
 the morning, or the following evening, and oake thai 
 call, 
 
228 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETKRETTB. 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 COURTESY AT HOME. 
 
 THERE are many men in this -world, wlic would be 
 horror struck if accused of the least breach of etiquette 
 towards their friends and acquaintances abroad, and yet, 
 who will at home utterly disregard the simplest rules of 
 politeness, if such rules interfere in the least with their 
 own selfish gratification. They disregard the pure and 
 holy ties which should make courtesy at home a pleasure 
 as well as a duty. They forget that home has a sweet 
 poetry of its own, created out of the simplest materials, 
 yet, haunting, more or less, the secret recesses of every 
 human heart; it is divided into a thousand separate 
 poems, which should be full of individual interest, little 
 quiet touches of feeling and golden recollections, which, 
 in the heart of a truly noble man, are interwoven wUh 
 his very being. Common things are, to him, hallowed 
 and made beautiful by the spell of memory and associa- 
 tion, owing all their glory to the halo of his own pure, 
 fond aifection. The eye of a stranger rests coldly on 
 such revelations; their simple pathos is hard to be un- 
 derstood ; and they smile oftentimes at the quairitnesa 
 of those passages which make others weep. With the 
 beautiful instinct of true affection, home love retains 
 
COURTESY AT HOME. 229 
 
 only the good. . There were clouds then, even as now, 
 darkening the horizon of daily life, and breaking tears 
 or wild storms above our heads ; but he roniembeis no- 
 thing save the sunshine, and fancies somehow that it h.is 
 never shone so bright since! How little it took to make 
 him happy in those days, aye, and sad also, but it was 
 a pleasant sadness, for lie wept only over a flower or a 
 book. But let us turn to our first poem; and in using 
 this term ' we allude, of course, to the poetry of idea, 
 rather than that of the measure; beauty of which is so 
 often lost to us from a vague feeling that it cannot exist 
 without rhythm. But pause and listen, first of all, 
 gentle reader, to the living testimony of a poet heart, 
 brimful, and gushing over with home love: '* There are 
 not, in the unseen world, voices more gentle and more 
 true, that may be more implicitly relied on, or that are 
 so certain to give none but the tenderest counsel, as the 
 voices in which the spirits of the fireside and the hearth 
 address themselves to human kind !" 
 
 The man who shows his contempt for these holy ties 
 and associations by pulling off his mask of courtesy as soon 
 as* his foot passes his own threshold, is not really a gentle- 
 man, but a selfish tyrant, whose true qualities arc not 
 courtesy and politeness, but a hypocritical affectation of 
 them, assumed to obtain a footing in society. Avoid 
 such men. Even though you are one of the favored 
 ones abroad who receive their gentle courtesy, you may 
 rest assured that the heartless egotism which makes them 
 rude and selfish at home, will make their friendship but 
 a name, if circumstances ever put it to the test. Abova 
 all, avoid their example. 
 
230 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK or ETIQUETTE. 
 
 In whn.t docs the home circle consist? F/rst, there 
 are the parents who haye watched over your infancy 
 and chil Ihood, and whom you are commanded by the 
 Highest Power to "honor." Then the brothers and sis- 
 ters, the, wife who has left her own home and all its 
 tender ties for your sake, and the children who look to 
 you for example, guidance, and instruction. 
 
 Who else on the broad earth can lay the same claim 
 to your gentleness and courtesy that they can? If you 
 are rude at home, then is your politeness abroad a mere 
 cloak to conceal a bad, selfish heart. 
 
 The parents who have anxiously watched over your 
 education, have the first right to the fruits of it, and all 
 the gentleman should be exerted to repay them for the 
 care they have taken of you since your birth. All the 
 rules of politeness, of generosity, of good nature, pa- 
 tience, arid respectful affection should be exerted for 
 your parents. You owe to them a pure, filial love,' void 
 of personal interest, which should prompt you to study 
 all their tastes, their likes, and aversions, in order to in- 
 dulge the one and avoid the other; you owe to them po- 
 lite attention, deference to all their wishes, and compli- 
 ance with their requests. Every joy will be doubled to 
 them, if you show a frank pleasure in its course, and no 
 comfort can soothe the grief of a parent so much as the 
 sympathizing love of a dutiful son. If they are old, de- 
 pendent upon you for support, then can you still better 
 prove to them that the tender care they lavished upon 
 you, when you depended upon their love for everything, 
 was not lost, but was good seed sown upon fruitful 
 ground. Nay, if with the infirmities of age come the 
 
COURTESY AT HOME. 231 
 
 crosses of bad temper, or exacting selfishness*, jour duty 
 Btill lies as plainly before you. It is but the promptings 
 of natural affection that will lead you to love and cherish 
 an indulgent parent ; but it is a pure, high virtue which 
 makes a son love and cherish with an equal affection a 
 selfish, negligent mother, or a tyrannical, Harsh father. 
 No failure in their duty can excuse you if you fail in 
 yours; and, even if they are wicked, you are not to be 
 their judge, but, while you detest and avoid their sin, 
 you must still love the sinner. Nothing but the gropes t 
 and most revolting brutality could make a man reproach 
 his parents with the feebleness of age or illness, or the 
 incapacity to exert their talents for support. 
 
 An eminent writer, in speaking of a man's duties, 
 says: "Do all in your power to render your parents 
 comfortable and happy ; if they are aged and infirm, be 
 with them as often as you can, carry them tokens of 
 your love, and show them that you feel a tender interest 
 in their happiness. Be all to your parents, which you 
 would wish your children to be to you." 
 
 Next, in the home circle, come your brothers and sis- 
 ters, and here you will find the little courtesies, which, 
 as a gentleman, should be habitual to you, will ensure 
 the love a man should most highly prize, the love of his 
 brother and sister. Next to his filial love, this is tho 
 first tie of his life, and should be valued as it deserves. 
 
 If you are the eldest of the family, you may, by your 
 example, influence your brothers to good or evil, and win 
 .or alienate the affections of your little sisters. There is 
 Bcaicely a more enthusiastic affection in the world than 
 that sister feels for. an elder brother. Even though he 
 
232 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 may not repay the devotion as it deserves, she will gen* 
 erally cherish it, and invest him with the most heroic 
 qualities, while her tender little heart, though it may 
 quiver with the pain of a harsh word or rude action, will 
 still try to find an excuse for "brother's" want of affec- 
 tion. If you show an interest in the pursuits of the 
 little circle at whose head your age entitles you to stand, 
 you will soon find they all look up to you, seek your ad- 
 vice, crave your sympathy, and follow your example, 
 The eldest son holds a most responsible position. Should 
 death or infirmity deprive him of a father's counsel, ho 
 should be prepared to stand forth as the head of the 
 family, and take his father's place towards his mother 
 and the younger children. 
 
 Every man should feel, that in the character and dig- 
 nity of his sisters his own honor is involved. An insult 
 or affront offered to them, becomes one to him, and he 
 is the person they will look to for protection, and to 
 prevent its repetition. By his own manner to them he 
 can ensure to them the respect or contempt of other 
 men whom they meet when in his society. How can he 
 expect that his friends will treat his sisters with gentle- 
 ness, respect, and courtesy, if they see him constantly 
 rude, disrespectful, and contemptuous towards them? 
 But, if his own manner is. that of affectionate respect, 
 he need not fear for them rudeness from others, while 
 they are under his protection. An American writer 
 says : 
 
 1 'Nothing in a family strikes the eye of a visitor with 
 more delight than to see brothers treat their sisters with 
 kindness, civility, attention, and love. On the contrary, 
 
COURTESY AT HOME. 238 
 
 nothing is more offensive or speaks worse for the honor 
 of a family, than that coarse, rude, unkind manner which 
 brothers sometimes exhibit." 
 
 The same author says: 
 
 "Beware how you speak of your sisters. Even gold 
 is tarnished by much handling. If you speak in tneir 
 praise of their beauty, learning, manners, wit, or at- 
 tentions you will subject them to taunt and ridicAie; 
 if you say anything against them, you will bring re- 
 proach upon yourself and them too. If you have ooca 
 siori to speak of them, do it with modesty and few words. 
 Let others do all the praising and yourself enjoy it if 
 you are separated from them, maintain with them a cor- 
 respondence. This will do yourself good as well as them. 
 Do not neglect this duty, nor grow remiss in it. Give 
 your friendly-advice and seek theirs in return. As they 
 mingle intimately with their sex, they can enlighten your 
 mind respecting many particulars relating to female 
 character, important for you to know.; and, on the other 
 hand, you have the same opportunity to do them a 
 similar service. However long or widely separated from 
 them, keep up your fraternal affection and intercourse. 
 It is ominous of evil when a yqur.g man forgets hia 
 sister. 
 
 "If you are living at home \vith them, you may do 
 them a thousand little services, which will cost you no- 
 thing but pleasure, and which will greatly add to theirs. 
 If they wish to go out in the evening to a lecture, con- 
 cert, a visit, or any other object, always be happy, if 
 possible, to wait upon them. Consider their situation, 
 
234 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF LTIQUETTE. 
 
 and think how you would wish them tc treat you if the 
 case were reversed." 
 
 A young man once said to an elderly lady, who ex- 
 pressed her regret at his having taken some trouble and 
 denied himself a pleasure to gratify her: 
 
 " Madam, I am far away from my mother and sisters 
 now, but when I was at home, my greatest pleasure wa3 
 to protect them and gratify all their wishes ; let me now 
 place you in their stead, and you will not have cause 
 again to feel regret, for you can think *he must love to 
 deny himself for one who represents his mother.' ' 
 
 The old lady afterwards spoke of him as a perfect 
 gentleman, and was contradicted by a younger person 
 who quoted some fault in etiquette committed by the 
 young man in company. "Ah, that may be," said her 
 friend; "but what I call a gentleman, is not the man 
 who performs to the minutest point all the little ceremo- 
 nies of society, but the one whose heart prompts him to 
 be polite at home." 
 
 If you have left the first home circle, that comprising 
 your parents, brothers, and sisters, to take up the duties 
 of a husband and father, you must carry to your new 
 home the same politeness I have advised you to exert in 
 the home of your childhood. 
 
 Your wife claims your courtesy more now, even, than 
 when you were, courting her. She has given up, for 
 your sake, all the freedom and pleasures of her maiden- 
 hood, and to you she looks for a love that will replace 
 them all. Can you disappoint that trusting affection? 
 Before your marriage you thought no stretch of courtesy 
 too great, if the result was to afford her pleasure ; why, 
 
COURTESY AT HOME. 235 
 
 tlien, not strive to keep her love, by the same gentle 
 courtesy you exerted to win it ? 
 
 "A delicate attention to the minute wants and wishes 
 of your wife, will tend, more than anything else, to the 
 promotion of your domestic happiness. It requires no 
 sacrifices, occupies but a small degree of attentic: 1 , yet 
 J.3 the fertile source of bliss; since it convinces the ob- 
 ject of your regard, that, with the duties of a husband, 
 you have united the more punctilious behaviour of a, 
 lover. These trivial tokens of regard certainly make 
 much way in the affections of a woman of sense and dis- 
 cernment, who looks not to the value of the gifts she re- 
 ceives, but perceives in their frequency a continued evi- 
 dence of the existence and ardor of that love on which 
 the superstructure of her happiness has been erected. 
 The strongest attachment will decline, if you receive it 
 with diminished warmth." 
 
 Mrs. Thrale gives the following advice, which is worth 
 the consideration of every young man: 
 
 u After marriage," she says, "when your violence o( 
 passion subsides, and a more cool and tranquil affection 
 takes its place, be not hasty to censure as indifferent, or 
 to lament yourself as unhappy; you have lost that only 
 which it is impossible to retain; and it were graceless 
 amidst the pleasures of a prosperous summer, to regret 
 the blossoms of a transient spring. Neither unwarily 
 condemn your bride's insipidity, till you have recollected 
 that no object, however sublime, no .sound, however 
 charming, can continue to transport us with delight, 
 when they no longer strike us with novelty. The skill 
 to renovate the powers of pleasing is said, indee.l, to be 
 
236 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 pcssesscd by some women in an eminent degree, but tht 
 art. Sees of maturity are seldom seen to adorn the inno 
 cence of youth. You have made your choice and ought 
 to approve it. 
 
 "To be happy, we must always have something in 
 view. Turn, therefore, your attention to her mind, 
 which will daily grow brighter by polishing. Study some 
 easy science together, and acquire a similarity of tastes, 
 while you enjoy a community of pleasures. You will, 
 by this means, have many pursuits in common, and be 
 freed from the necessity of separating to find amuse- 
 ment; endeavor to cement the present union on every 
 side: let your wife never be kept ignorant of your in- 
 come* your expenses, your friendships, or your aver- 
 sions; let her know your very faults, but make them 
 amiable by your virtues; consider all concealment as a 
 breach of fidelity; let her never have anything to find 
 out in your character, and remember that from the mo- 
 ment one of the partners turns spy upon the other, they 
 have commenced a state of hostility. 
 
 "Seek not for happiness in singularity, and dread a 
 refinement of wisdom as a deviation into folly. Listen 
 not to those sages who advise you always to scorn the 
 counsel of a woman, and if you comply with her requests 
 pronounce you to be wife-ridden. Think not any priva- 
 tion, except of positive evil, an excellence; and do not 
 congratulate yourself that your wife is not a learned 
 lady, or is wholly ignorant how to make a pudding. 
 Cooking and learning are both good in their places, and 
 may both be used with advantage. With regard to ex- 
 ^ense, I can only observe, that the money laid out in the 
 
COURTESY AT HOME. 237 
 
 purchase of luxuries is seldom or ever profitably em< 
 ployetl. We live in an age when splendid furniture and 
 glittering equipage are grown too common to catch the 
 Qotice of the meanest spectator; and for the greater 
 mes, they can only regard our wasteful folly with silent 
 tontempt or open indignation. 
 
 "This may, perhaps, be a displeasing reflection; but 
 the following consideration ought to make amends. The 
 age we live in pays, I think, a peculiar attention to the 
 higher distinctions of wit, knowledge, and virtue, to 
 which we may more safely, more cheaply, and more 
 honorably aspire. 
 
 " The person of your lady will not grow more pleasing 
 to you ; but, pray, let her not suspect that it grows less 
 eo. There is no reproof, however pointed, no punish- 
 ment, however severe, that a woman of spirit will not 
 prefer to neglect; and if she can endure it without com- 
 plaint, it only proves that she means to make herself 
 amends by the attention of others for the slights of her 
 husband. For this, and for every other reason, it be- 
 hoves a married man not to let his politeness fail, though 
 his ardour may abate; but to retain, at least, that general 
 civility towards his own lady which he is willing to pay 
 to every other, and. not show a wife of eighteen or twenty 
 years old, that every man in company can treat Ler with 
 more complaisance than he who so cften vowed to her 
 eternal fondness. 
 
 "It is not my opinion that a young woman should be 
 indulged in every wild wish of her gay heart, or giddy 
 Lead ; but contradiction may be softened by domestic 
 kindness, and quiet pleasures substituted in the place of . 
 
2-3S GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 noisy ones. Public amusements, indeed, are not so ex- 
 pensive as is sometimes imagined ; but they tend to alfenate 
 the minds of married people from each other. A well- 
 chosen society of friends and acquaintances, more em- 
 inent for virtue and good sense than for gaiety and 
 pldndor, where the conversation of the day may afford 
 cornrnqnt for the evening, seems the most rational plea- 
 sure that can be afforded. That your own superiority 
 should always be seen, but never felt, seems an excellent 
 general rule. 
 
 "If your wife is disposed towards jealousy of you,, 
 let me beseech you be always explicit with her, never mys- 
 terious. Be above delighting in her pain in all things. 1 " 
 
 After your duty to your wife comes that towards th<* 
 children whom God lends to you, to fit them to return 
 pure and virtuous to him. This is your task, respon?j- 
 bility, and trust, to be undertaken prayerfully, earnestly 
 and humbly, as the highest and -most sacred duty this 
 life ever can afford you. 
 
 The relationship between parent and child, is one that 
 appears to have been ordained by Providence, to !n*5ng 
 the better feelings of mankind and many domestic virtues 
 into active exercise. The implicit confidence with which 
 children, when properly treated, look up to their elders 
 for guidance is not less beautiful than endearing; and no 
 parents can set about the work of guiding aright, in 
 real earnest, without deriving as much good as tL^v im- 
 part. The feeling with which this labor of love >|r ouid 
 be carried forward is, as the poet writes of mercy t-irirui 
 blessed : 
 
 " It blesses him that gives and him that takes.* 
 
COUHTESY AT HOME. 239 
 
 And yet, in daily life and experience, how seMorn do we 
 find these views realized ! Children, in too many in- 
 stances, are looked on as anything but a blessing; they 
 are treated as incumbrances, or worse; and the neglect 
 in which they are brought up, renders it almost impossi- 
 ble for them, when they grow older, to know anything 
 properly of moral or social duties. This result we knew, 
 in numerous cases, is not willful, does not arise from ill 
 intentions on the part of parents, but from want of fixed 
 plans and principles. There are hundreds of families in 
 this country whose daily life is nothing better than a 
 daily scramble, where time and place, from getting up 
 in the morning to going to bed at night, are regarded as 
 matters of chance. In such homes as these, where the 
 inmates are willing to do well, but don't know how, a 
 word in season is often welcome. " Great principles," 
 we are told, *'are at the bottom of all things; but to 
 apply them to daily life, many little rules, precautions, 
 and insights are needed." 
 
 The work of training is, in some degree, lightened by 
 . the fact, that children are very imitative; what they see 
 others do, they will try to do themselves, and if they see 
 none but good examples, good conduct on their part may 
 naturally be looked for. Children are keen observers, 
 and are very ready at drawing conclusions when they 
 see a want of correspondence between profession an! 
 practice, in those who have the care of them. At tho 
 age of seven, the child's brain has reached its full 
 growth ; it seldom becomes larger after that period, and 
 it then contains the germ of all that the man ever ac- 
 complishes. Here is an additional reason for laying 
 
240 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 down the precept: be yourselves what you wish the 
 children to be. When correction is necessary, let it be 
 administered in such a way as to make the child refrain 
 from doing wrong from a desire to do right, not for the 
 dole reason that wrong brings punishment. All expe- 
 rience teaches us that if a good thing is to be obtained, 
 it must be by persevering diligence; and of all good 
 things, the pleasure arising from a well-trained family is 
 one of the greatest. Parents, or educators, have no 
 right to use their children just as whim or prejudice may 
 dictate. Children are smaller links in the great social 
 chain, and bind together in lasting ties many portions 
 which otherwise would be completely disjointed; their 
 joyousness enlivens many a home, and their innocence 
 is a powerful check and antidote to much that is evil. 
 The implicit obedience which is required of them, will 
 always be given when called forth by a spirit of forbear- 
 ance, self-sacrifice, and love : 
 
 " Ere long comes the reward, 
 And for the cares and toils we have endured, 
 Repays us joys and pleasures manifold." 
 
 If you cherish and honor your own parents, then do 
 you give your children the most forcible teaching for 
 their duty, example. And your duty to your children 
 requires your example to be good in all things. How 
 can you expect counsel to virtue to have any effect, if 
 you constantly contradict it by a bad example? Do not 
 forget, that early impressions are deep and lasting, 
 and from their infancy let them see you keep an upright, 
 noble walk in life, then may you hope to see them follow 
 in your footsteps. 
 
COURTESY AT HOME. 241 
 
 Justice, as a sentiment, is inborn, an.d no one distin- 
 guishes its niceties more quickly than a child. There 
 fore in your rewards and punishments examine carefully 
 every part of their conduct, and judge calmly, not 
 hastily, and be sure you are just. An unmerited reward 
 will make a child question your judgment as much as an 
 unmerited punishment. 
 
 Guard your temper. Never reprove a child in the 
 heat of passion. 
 
 If your sons see that you regard the rules of polite- 
 ness in your home, you will find that they treat their 
 mother and sisters with respect and courtesy, and observe, 
 even in play, the rules of etiquette your example teaches ; 
 but if you are a domestic tyrant, all your elder and 
 stronger children will strive to act like "father," by ill- 
 treating or neglecting the younger and weaker ones. . 
 
 Make them, from the moment they begin to talk, use 
 pure and grammatical language, avoid slang phrases, and, 
 above all, profanity. You will find this rule, enforced 
 during childhood, will have more effect than a library full 
 of books or the most unwearied instruction can accom- 
 plish, after bad habits in conversation have once been 
 formed. 
 
 Make them, from early childhood, observe the rules 
 of politeness towards each other. Let your sons treat 
 your daughters as, when men, you would have them treat 
 other females, and let yonr daughters, by gentleness and 
 love, repay these attentions. You may feel sure that 
 the brothers and sisters, who are polite one to another, 
 will not err in etiquette when abroad. 
 
 In the home circle may very properly be included the 
 16 
 
242 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 humble portion, whose onerous duties are too often re* 
 paid bj harshness and rudeness; I mean the servants, 
 A true gentleman, while he never allows familiarity from 
 his servants, will always remember that they are human 
 beings, who feel kindness or rudeness as keenly as the 
 more favored ones up stairs. Chesterfield says : 
 
 "There is a certain politeness due to your inferiors, 
 and whoever is without it, is without good nature. Wo 
 do not need to compliment our servants, nor to talk of 
 thrir doing us the honor, &c., but we ought to treat them 
 with benevolence and mildness. We are all of the same 
 species, and no distinction whatever is between us, ex- 
 cept that which arises from fortune. For example, your 
 footman and cook would be your equals were they as 
 rich as you. Being poor they are obliged to serve you. 
 Therefore, you must not add to their misfortunes by in- 
 sulting or ill-treating them. If your situation is prefer- 
 able to theirs, be thankful, without either despising them 
 or being vain of your better fortune. You must, there- 
 fore, treat all your inferiors with affability and good 
 manners, and not speak co them in a surly tone, nor 
 with harsh expressions, as if they were of a different 
 species. A good heart never reminds people of their 
 inferiority, but endeavors to alleviate their misfortunes, 
 and make them forget them." 
 
 "Example," says Mrs. Parkes, "is of the greatest im- 
 portance to our servants, particularly those who are 
 young, whose habits are frequently formed by the first 
 service they en^.er. With the mild and good, they bo- 
 eomo softened and improved, but with the dissipated and 
 fioleit, are too often disorderly and vicious. It iSj 
 
COURTESY AT HOME. 43 
 
 therefore, not among the least cf the duties incumbent 
 on the head of the family, to place in their view such 
 examples as are worthy their imitation. But these ex- 
 amples, otherwise praiseworthy, should neither be ren- 
 dered disagreeable, nor have their force diminished by 
 any accompaniment of ill humor. Rather by the hap- 
 piness and comfort resulting from our conduct towards 
 cur domestics, should they be made sensible of tho 
 beauty of virtue. What we admir^ we often strive to 
 imitate, and thus they may be Isd on to imitate good 
 principles, and to form regular and *'\rtuous habitfl." 
 
244 GENTLEMEN'S BOOR or ETIQUETTE. 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 TRUE COURTESY. 
 
 POLITENESS is the art of pleasing. It is to the de- 
 li crtment what the finer touches of the pencil are to the 
 picture, or what harmony is to music. In the form- 
 ation of character, it is indispensably requisite. "Wo 
 are all," says Locke, "a kind of chameleons, that take 
 a tincture from the objects which surround us." True 
 courtesy, indeed, chiefly consists in accommodating our- 
 selves to the feelings of others, without descending from 
 our own dignity, or denuding ourselves of our'own prin- 
 ciples. By constant intercourse with society, we acquire 
 what is called politeness almost intuitively, as the shells 
 of the sea are rendered smooth by the unceasing friction 
 of the waves; though there appears to be a natural 
 grace about the well-bred, which many foel it difficult to 
 attain. 
 
 Religion itself teaches us to honor all men, and to d.) 
 anto others as we would others do unto us. This in- 
 cludes the whole principle of courtesy, which in this we 
 pay remark, assimilates to the principle of justice. It 
 comprises, indeed, all the moral virtues in one, consisting 
 not merely in external show, but having its principle in 
 the heart. The politeness which superficial writers are 
 
TRUE COURTESY. 245 
 
 f(iid of describing, has been defined as "the appearance 
 of all the virtues, without possessing one of therm ;" 
 but by this is meant the mere outward parade, or that 
 kind of artificial adornment of demeanor, which owes its 
 existence to an over-refinement of civility. Anything 
 forced or formal is contrary to the very character of 
 courtesy, which does not consist in a becoming deport- 
 ment alone, but is prompted and guided by a superior 
 rnind, impelling the really polite person to bear with the 
 failings of some, to overlook the weakness of others, and 
 to endure patiently the caprices of all. Indeed, one of 
 the essential characteristics of courtesy is good nature, 
 and an inclination always to look at the bright side of 
 things. 
 
 The principal rules of politeness are, to subdue the 
 temper, to submit to the weakness of our fellow men, 
 and to render to all their due, freely arid courteously. 
 These, with the judgment to recommend ourselves to 
 those whom we meet in society, and the discrimination 
 to know when and to whom to yield, as well as the dis- 
 cretion to treat all with the deference due to their repu- 
 tation, station, or merit, comprise, in general, the char- 
 acter of a polite man, over which the admission of even 
 one blot or shade will throw a blemish not easily re- 
 moved. 
 
 Sincerity is another essential characteristic of courtesy; 
 for, without it, the social system would have no perma- 
 nent foundation or hope of continuance. It is the wan* 
 of this which makes society, what it is said to be, arti- 
 ficial. 
 
 Good breeding, in a great measure, consists in being 
 
216 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 easy, but not indifferent; good humored, but not fa- 
 miliar; passive, but not unconcerned. It includes, also, 
 a sensibility nice, yet correct; a tact delicate, yet true. 
 There is a beautiful uniformity in the demeanor of a po- 
 lite man ; and it is impossible not to be struck with his 
 affable air. There is a golden mean in the art, which it 
 should be every body's object to attain, without descend- 
 ing to obsequiousness on the one hand, or to familiarity 
 en the other. In politeness, as in everything else, there 
 is the medium betwixt too much and too little, betwixt 
 constraint and freedom ; for civilities carried to extreme 
 are wearisome, and mere ceremony is not politeness, but 
 the reverse. 
 
 The truly pious people are the truly courteous. "Re- 
 ligion," says Leighton, "is in this mistaken sometimes, 
 in that we think it imprints a roughness and austerity 
 upon the mind and carriage. It doth, indeed, bar all 
 vanity and lightness, and all compliance;" but it softens 
 the manners, tempers the address, and refines the heart. 
 
 Pride is one of the greatest obstacles to true courtesy 
 that can be mentioned. He who assumes too much on 
 his own merit, shows that he does not understand the 
 simplest principles of politeness. The feeling of pride 
 is, of itself, highly culpable. No man, whether he be 
 a monarch on the throne, or the meanest beggar in his 
 realm, possesses any right to comport himself with a 
 haughty or discourteous air towards his fellow men. 
 The poet truly says : 
 
 "What most ennobles human nature, 
 Was ne'er the portion of the proud." 
 
 It is easy to bestow a kind word, or assume a gracious 
 
TRUE COURTESY. 247 
 
 smile; these will recommend us to every on 3; while a 
 haughty demeanor, or an austere look, may forfeit for- 
 ever the favor of those whose good opinion we may be 
 anxious to secure. The really courteous man has a 
 thorough knowledge of human nature, and can make al 
 lowanc^s for its weaknesses. He is always consistent 
 with himself. The *>olite alone know how to make others 
 polite, as the good alone know how to inspire others with 
 a relish for virtue. 
 
 Having mentioned pride as being opposed to true po- 
 liteness, I may class affectation with it, in that respect. 
 Affectation is a deviation from, at the same time that it 
 is an imitation of, nature. It is the result of bad taste, 
 and of mistaken notions of one's own qualities. The 
 other vices are limited, and have each a particular ob- 
 ject; but affectation pervades the whole conduct, an.'? 
 detracts from the merit of whatever virtues and good 
 dispositions a man may possess. Beauty itself loses its 
 attraction, when disfigured by affectation. Even to copy 
 from the best patterns is improper, because the imitation 
 can never be so good as the original. Counterfeit coin 
 is not so valuable as the real, and when discovered, it 
 cannot pass current. Affectation is a sure sign that 
 there is something to conceal, rather than anything to 
 be proud of, in the character and disposition of the per- 
 sons practicing it. 
 
 In religion, affectation, or, as it is fitly called, hypo- 
 crisy, is reprehensible in the highest degree. Howcvci 
 grave be their deportment, of all affected persons, those 
 who, without any real foundation, make too great pro- 
 tensions to piety, arc certainly the most culpable. Tbi 
 
248 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 mask serves to conceal innumerable faults, and, as has 
 been well remarked, a false devotion too often usurps the 
 place of the true. We can less secure ourselves against 
 pretenders in matters of religion, than we can against 
 any other species of impostors; because the mind being 
 biased in favor of the subject, consults not reason as to 
 the individual. The conduct of people, which cannot 
 fail to be considered an evidence of their piinciples, 
 ought at all times to be conformable to their pretensions. 
 When God alone is all we are concerned for, we are not 
 solicitous about mere human approbation. 
 
 Hazlitt says : " Few subjects are more nearly allied 
 than these two vulgarity and affectation. It may be 
 said of them truly that 'thin partitions do their bounds 
 divide.' There cannot be a surer proof of a low origin 
 or cf an innate meanness of disposition, than to be al- 
 ways talking and thinking of being genteel. One must 
 feel a strong tendency to that which one is always trying 
 to avoid; whenever we pretend, on all occasions, a 
 mighty contempt for anything, it is a pretty clear sign 
 that we feel ourselves very nearly on a level with it. 
 Of the two classes of people, I hardly know which is to 
 be regarded with most distaste, the vulgar aping tho 
 genteel, or the genteel constantly sneering at and en- 
 deavoring to distinguish themselves from the vulgar. 
 These two sets of persons are always thinking of ono 
 another; the lower of the higher with envy, the more 
 fortunate of their less happy neighbors with contempt. 
 They are habitually placed in opposition to each other; 
 jostle in their pretensions at every turn; and the same 
 objects and train of thought (only reversed by the rela- 
 
TRUE COURTESY. 249 
 
 fcive situatiDns of cither party) occupy tlich whole time 
 Bud attention. The one are straining every nerve, and 
 outraging common sense, to be thought genteel; the 
 others have no other object or idea in their heads than 
 not to be thought vulgar. This is but poor spite ; a 
 very pitiful style of ambition. To be merely not that 
 which one heartily despises, is a very humble claim to 
 eupcriority ; to despise what one really is, is still worse. 
 "Gentility is only a more select and artificial kind of 
 vulgarity. It cannot exist x but by a sort of borrowed 
 distinction. It plumes itself up and revels in the homely 
 pretensions of the mass of mankind. It judges of the 
 worth of everything by name, fashion, opinion; and 
 hence, from the conscious absence of real qualities or 
 sincere satisfaction in itself, it builds its supercilious and 
 fantastic conceit on the wretchedness and wants of 
 others. Violent antipathies are always suspicious, and 
 betray a secret affinity. The difference between the 
 4 Great Vulgar and the Small' is mostly in outward cir- 
 cumstances. The coxcomb criticises the dress of the 
 jlown, as the pedant cavils at the bad grammar of the 
 illiterate. Those who have the fewest resources is 
 themselves, naturally seek the food of their self-love 
 elsewhere. The most ignorant people find most to laugh 
 at in strangers; scandal and satire prevail most in coun- 
 try-places; a .d a propensity to ridicule every the slight- 
 est or most palpable deviation from what we happen to 
 approve, ceases with the progress of common sense. 
 True worth does not exult in the faults and deficiencies 
 of others; as true refinement turns away from grossness 
 an 1 deformity instead of being tempted to indulge in aD 
 
250 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 unmanly triumph over it. Raphael would not faint 
 away at the daubing of a sign painter, nor Homer hold 
 his head the higher for being in the company of the 
 poorest scribbler that ever attempted poetry. Heal 
 power, real excellence, does not seek for a foil ia inferi- 
 ority, nor fear contamination from coming in contact 
 with that which is coarse and homely. It reposes on it- 
 self, and is equally free from spleen and affectation . 
 But the spirit of both these small vices is in gentility as 
 the word stands in vulgar minds: of affected delight in 
 its own would-be qualifications, and of ineffable, disdain 
 poured out upon the involuntary blunders or accidental 
 disadvantages of those whom it chooses to treat as in- 
 feriors. 
 
 "The essence of vulgarity, I imagine, consists in 
 taking manners, actions, words, opinions on trust from 
 others, without examining one's own feelings or weighing 
 the merits of the case. It is coarseness or shallowness 
 of taste arising from want of individual refinement, to- 
 gether with the confidence and presumption inspired by 
 example and numbers. It may be defined to be a pros- 
 titution of the mind or body to ape the more or less ob- 
 vious defects of others, because by so doing we shall se- 
 cure the suffrages of those we associate with. To affect 
 a gesture, an opinion, a phrase, because it is the rage 
 with a large number of persons, or to hol' it in abhor- 
 rence because another set of persons very little, if at all, 
 better informed, cry it down to distinguish themselves 
 from the former, is in cither case equal vulgarity and 
 absurdity. A thing is not vulgar merely because it is 
 common. 'Tis common tp Breathe, to see, to feel, to 
 
TRUE COURTESY. 251 
 
 live. Nothing is vulgar that is natural, spontaneous, 
 unav ridable. Grossness is not vulgarity, ignorance is 
 not vulgarity, .awkwardness is not vulgarity; but all 
 these become vulgar when they are afleetcd, and shown 
 off on the authority of others, or to tail in with the 
 fashion or the company we keep. Caliban is coarse 
 cnc'Jgh, but surely he is not vulgar. We might as well 
 Bpurn the clod under our feet, and call it vulgar. 
 
 "All slang phrases are vulgar ; but there is nothing 
 vulgar in the common English idiom. Simplicity is not 
 vulgarity; but the looking to affectation of any sort for 
 distinction is." 
 
 To sum up, it may be said, that if you wish to possess 
 the good opinion of your fellow men, the way to secure 
 it is, to be actually what you pretend to be, or rather to 
 appear always precisely what, you are. Never depart 
 from the native dignity of your character, which you can 
 only maintain irreproachable by being careful not to im- 
 itate the vices, or adopt the follies of others. The best 
 way in all cases you will find to be, to adhere to truth, 
 and to abide by the talents and appliances which have 
 been bestowed upon you by Providence. 
 
252 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQVEIIB. 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 LETTER WRITING. 
 
 THERE is no branch of a man's education, no portion 
 of his intercourse with other men, and no quality which 
 will stand him in good stead more frequently than the 
 capability of writing a good letter upon any and every 
 BubjecL In business, in bis intercourse with society, in, 
 I may say, almost every circumstance of his life, he will 
 find his pen called into requisition. Yet, although so 
 important, so almost indispensable an accomplishment, 
 it is one which is but little cultivated, and a letter, per- 
 fect in every part, is a great rarity. 
 
 In the composition of a good letter there are many 
 points to be considered, and we take first the simplest 
 and lowest, namely, the spelling. 
 
 Many spell badly from ignorance, but more from care- 
 lessness. The latter, writing rapidly, make, rery often, 
 mistakes that would disgrace a schoolboy. If you are 
 in doubt about a word, do not from a feeling of false 
 shame let the spelling stand in its doubtful position 
 Loping that, if wrong, it will pass unnoticed, but get a 
 dictionary, and see what is the correct orthography. 
 Besides the actual misplacing of letters in a word there 
 ta another fault of careless, rapid writing, frequently 
 
LETTER WRITING. 253 
 
 aeon. This is to write two words in one, running them 
 together. I have more than once seen with him written 
 
 o 
 
 uridiim, and for her stand thus, forer. Strange, too, aa 
 it may seem, it is more frequently the short, common 
 words that arc misspelled than long ones. They flow 
 from the pan mechanically, while over an unaccustomed 
 word the writer unconsciously stops to consider the or- 
 thography. Chesterfield, in his advice to his son, says: 
 
 "I come now to another part of your letter, which is 
 the orthography, if I may call bad spelling oriJiography* 
 You spell induce, enduce; and grandeur, you spell 
 fl/randure; two faults of which few of my housemaids 
 would have been guilty. I must tell you that orthogra- 
 phy, in the true sense of the word, is so absolutely neces- 
 sary for a man of letters, or a gentleman, that one false 
 spelling may fix ridicule upon him for the rest of his 
 life ; and 1 know a man of quality, who never recovered 
 the ridicule of having spelled wholesome without the w. 
 
 "Reading with care will secure everybody from false 
 spelling; for books are always well spelled, according to 
 the orthography of the times. Some words are indeed 
 doubtful, being spelled differently by different authors 
 of equal authority; but those are few; and in those 
 cases every man has his option, because he may plead 
 his authority either way; but where there is but ono 
 right way, as in the two words above mentioned, it is un- 
 pnrdjnablc and ridiculous for a gentleman to miss it; 
 even a woman of tolerable education would despise and 
 laugh at a lover, who sent her an ill-spelled billet-doux, 
 I fear, and suspect, that you have taken it into your 
 head, in most cases, that the matter is all, and the man- 
 
254 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 ncr little or nothing. If you have, undeceive yourself 
 and be convinced that, in everything, the manner is full 
 as important as the matter. If you speak the sense of 
 an angel in bad words, and with a disagreeable utterance, 
 nobody will hear you twice, who can help it. If you 
 write epistles as well as Cicero, but in a very bad hanJ, 
 and very ill-spelled, whoever receives, will laugh a; 
 them." " 
 
 ATter orthography, you should make it a point to 
 write a good hand; clear, legible, and at the same time 
 easy, graceful, and rapid. This is not so difficult as 
 some persons imagine, but, like other accomplishments, 
 it requires practice to make it perfect. You must write 
 every word so clearly thai it cannot be mistaken by the 
 reader, and it is quite an important requisite to leave 
 sufficient space between the words to render each one 
 separate and distinct. If your writing is crowded, it 
 will be difficult to read, even though each letter is per- 
 fectly well formed. An English author, in a letter of 
 advice, says: 
 
 "I have often told you that every man who has the 
 use of his eyes and his hand can write whatever hand he 
 pleases. I do not desire that you should write the stiff, 
 labored characters of a writing master; a man of busi- 
 ness must write quick and well, and that depends simply 
 upon use. I would, therefore, advise you to get some 
 very good writing master, and apply to it for a month 
 only, which will be sufficient; for, upon my word, 
 th'3 writing of a genteel, plain hand of business is of 
 much more importance than you think. You say, it 
 may be, that when you write so very ill, it is because 
 
LETTER WRITING. 255 
 
 jrou are in a hurry; to which, I answer, Why arc yon 
 ever in a hurry? A man of sense may be in haste, but 
 can ne72r be in a hurry, because he knows, that what 
 ever he does in a hurry, he must necessarily do very ill. 
 He may be in haste to dispatch an affair, but he will take 
 care not to let that haste hinder his doing it well. Littlo 
 muuls are in a hurry, when the object proves (us it com* 
 momy does) too big for them; they run, they puzzle, coi 
 found, and perplex themselves; they want to do every- 
 thing at once, and never do it at all. But a man of 
 sense takes the time necessary for doing the thing he is 
 about, well; and his haste to dispatch a business, only 
 appears by the continuity of his application to it; he 
 pursues it with a cool steadiness, and finishes it before he 
 begins any other. * * 
 
 " The few seconds that are saved in the course of the 
 day by writing ill instead of well, do not amount to an 
 object of time by any means equivalent to the disgrace 
 or ridicule of a badly written scrawl." 
 
 By making a good, clear hand habitual to you, the 
 caution given above, with regard to hurry, will be en- 
 tirely useless, for you will find that even the most rapid 
 pennmanship will not interfere with the beauty of your 
 hand-writing, and the most absorbing interest in the sub- 
 ject of your epistle can be indulged; whereas, if you 
 write well only when you are giving your entire atten- 
 tion to guiding your pen, then,, haste in writing or in- 
 terest in your subject will spoil the beauty of your sh^et. 
 
 Be very caieful that the wording of your letters i.<? in 
 strict accordance with the rales of grammar. Nothing 
 Stamps the difference betiveon a wcli educated man and an 
 
25fi GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 ignorant one more decidedly than the purely grammatics 
 language of the one compared with the labored sentences, 
 misplaced verbs, nouns, adjectives, and adverbs of the 
 other. Chesterfield caricatures this fault in the following 
 letter, written as a warning to his son, to guard him 
 ngainst its glarng faults : 
 
 %; MY LORE I had, last night, the honor of your Lonl- 
 hi[/s letter of the 24th; and will set about doing ths 
 ciders contained therein; and if so be that I can get 
 that affair done by the next post, I will not fail for tc 
 give your Lordship an account of it, by next post. I 
 have told the French Minister, as how that if that affair 
 be not soon concluded, your Lordship would think it all 
 long of him; and that he must have neglected for to 
 have wrote to his court about it. I must beg leave to 
 put your Lordship in mind, as how, that I am now full 
 three quarters in arrear; and if so be that I do not very 
 soon receive at least one half year, I shall cut a very bad 
 figure ; for this here place is very dear. I jhall be 
 vastly beholden to your Lordship for that there mark of 
 your favor; and so I rest or remain, Your, &c." 
 
 This is, I admit, a broad burlesque of a letter written 
 by a man holding any important government office, but in 
 the more private correspondence of a man's life letters 
 quite as absurd and ungrammatical are written every 
 day. 
 
 Punctual! :n is another very important point in a 
 letter, because it not only is a mark of elegance and edu- 
 cation to properly punctuate a letter, but the oinissioa 
 of this point will inevitably confuse your correspondent, 
 for if you write to your friend : 
 
LETTER. WRITING. 251 
 
 "I met last evening Mr James the artist his son a 
 lawyer Mr Gay a friend of my mother's Mr Clarke and 
 Mr Paul:" 
 
 he will not know whether Mr. Gay is a lawyer or your 
 mother's friend, or whether it is Mr. James or his son 
 who is an artist; whereas, hy the proper placing of a 
 few punctuation marks you make the sentence clear and 
 intelligible, thus: 
 
 "I met, last evening, Mr. James, the artist; his son, 
 a lawyer; Mr. Gay, a friend of my mother's; Mr. 
 Clarke and Mr. Paul." 
 
 Without proper regard being paid to punctuation, tho 
 very essence of good composition is lost; it is of the ut- 
 most importance, as clearness, strength, and accuracy 
 depend upon it, in as great a measure as the power of an 
 army depends upon the skill displayed in marshalling 
 and arranging the troops. The separation of one por- 
 tion of a composition from another; the proper classifi- 
 cation and division of the subjects; the precise meaning 
 of every word and sentence ; the relation each part bears 
 to previous or following parts; the connection of one 
 portion and separation of others all depend upon punc- 
 tuation. Many persons seem to consider it sufficient to 
 put in a period at the end of a long sentence, leaving all 
 the little niceties which a comma, semicolon, or colon 
 wou'd render clear, in a state of the most lamentable 
 obscurity. Others use all the points, but misplace them 
 in a most ludicrous manner. A sentence may be mrulo 
 by the omission or addition of a comma to express a 
 meaning exactly opposite to the one it expressed before 
 the little mark was written or erased. The best mode 
 17 
 
258 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 of studying punctuation is to read over what you "write, 
 aloud, and put in the points as you would dwell a longei 
 or shorter time on the words, were you speaking. 
 
 We now conic to the use of capital letters, a subject 
 next, in importance to punctuation, and one too often 
 neglected, even by writers otherwise careful. 
 
 The first word of every piece of writing, whether it 
 Le a book, a poem, a story, a letter, a bill, a note, or 
 crJy a line of directions, must begin with a capital 
 latter. 
 
 Quotations, even though they are not immediately 
 preceded by a period, must invariably begin with a 
 capital letter. 
 
 Every new sentence, following a period, exclamation 
 mark, or interrogation point, must begin with a capital 
 letter. 
 
 Every proper name, whether it be of a person, a place, 
 or an object, must begin with a capital letter. The pro- 
 noun I and exclamation must be always written in 
 capital letters. 
 
 Capitals must never, except in the case of propel 
 names or the two letters mentioned in the last paragraph, 
 be written in the middle of a sentence. 
 
 A capital letter must never be used in the middle of a 
 isord, among the small letters; nor must it be use! at 
 the end of a word. 
 
 Nothing adds more to the beauty of a letter, or any 
 mitten composition, than handsomely written capital 
 letters, used in their proper places. 
 
 Having specified the most important points in a cor- 
 rect letter, we next come to that which, more than any- 
 
LETTER WRITING. 259 
 
 thing else, shows the mind of the writer; that which 
 proves his good or bad education; that which gives him 
 rank as an elegant or inelegant writer Style. 
 
 It is style which adorns or disfigures a subject; which 
 makes the humblest matter appear choice and elegant, 
 or which reduces the most exalted ideas to a level with 
 comrron, or vulgar ones. 
 
 Lcrd Chesterfield says, "It is of the greatest import- 
 ance to write letters well; as this is a talent which un- 
 avoidably occurs every day of one's life, as well in busi- 
 ness as in pleasure; and inaccuracies in orthography or 
 in style are never pardoned. Much depends upon the 
 manner in which they are written; which ought to be 
 easy and natural, riot strained and florid. For instance, 
 when you are about to send a billet-doux, or love letter 
 to a fair friend, you must only think of what you would 
 say to her if you were both together, and then write it; 
 that renders the style easy and natural ; though some 
 people imagine the wording of a letter to be a great un- 
 dertaking, and think they must write abundantly better 
 than they talk, which is riot at all necessary. Style i3 
 the dress of thoughts, arid let them be ever so just, if 
 your style is homely, coarse, and vulgar, they will appear 
 to as much disadvantage and be as ill received as your 
 person, though ever so well proportioned, would, if 
 dressed in rags, dirt, and tatters. It is not c-very under- 
 standing that can judge of matter; but every one can 
 and does judge, more or less, of style; and were I cither 
 to speak or write to the public, I should prefer moderate 
 matter, adorned with all the beauties and elegancies of 
 
60 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 style, to the strongest matter in the world, ill worded and 
 ill delivered." 
 
 Write legibly, correctly, and without erasures upon a 
 whole sheet of paper, never upon half a sheet. Choose 
 paper which is thick, white, and perfectly plain. The 
 Luilials stamped at the top of a sheet are the only orna- 
 ment allowed a gentleman. 
 
 It is an unpardonable fault to write upon a sheet which 
 hus anything written or drawn upon it, or is soiled; and 
 quite as bad to answer a note upon half the sheet it is 
 written upon, or write on the other side of a sheet which 
 has been used before. 
 
 Write your own ideas in your own words, neither bo-B- 
 rowing or copying from another. If you 'are detected 
 in a plagiarism, you will never recover your reputation 
 for originality, and you may find yourself in the position 
 of the hero of the following anecdote: 
 
 Mr. 0., a man of but little cultivation, fell in love 
 with Miss N., whose fine intellect was duly improved by 
 a thorough course of study and reading, while her wit, 
 vivacity, and beauty made Mr. 0. one only amongst 
 many suitors. Fascinated by her beauty and gracious 
 manner he determined to settle his fate, and ask her to 
 go forward in the alphabet and choose the next letter to 
 put to her surname. But how? Five times he tried to 
 speak, and five times the gay beauty so led the discourse 
 that he left at the end of each interview, no wiser than 
 when he came. At length he resolved to write. It wag 
 the first time he had held the pen for any but a business 
 letter. After commencing twice with "Dear sir," onco 
 with, " I write to inform you that I am well and hopo 
 
LETTEK 
 
 tliis letter will find you the same," and once with, " Youf 
 last duly received," he threw tlu pen aside in disgust 
 and despair. A love letter was beyond his feeble ca- 
 pacities. Suddenly a brilliant idea struck him. He 
 had lately seen, in turning the leaves of a popukir novel, 
 a letter, perhaps a love letter. He procured the book, 
 found the letter. It was full of fire and passion, word? 
 of love, protestations of never failing constancy, anil 
 contained an offer of marriage. With a hand that trem- 
 bled with ecstasy, 0. copied and signed the letter, sealed, 
 directed, and sent it. The next day came the answer 
 simply : 
 
 "My Friend, 
 
 " Turn to the next page and you will find 
 the reply. 
 
 "A. N." 
 
 He did so, and found a polite refusal of his suit. 
 
 The secret of letter writing consists, in writing as you 
 would speak. Thus, if you speak well, you will write 
 well ; if you speak ill, you will also write ill. 
 
 Endeavor always to write as correctly and properly 
 as possible. If you have reason to doubt your own 
 spelling, carefully read and correct every letter before 
 you fold it. An ill-formed letter is, however, better let 
 tlonc. You will not improve it by trying to reform i% 
 and the effort will be plainly visible. 
 
 Let your style be -simple, concise, and clear, entirely 
 void of pretension, without any phrases written merely 
 for cffec% without useless flowery language, respectful 
 
62 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 towards superiors, women, and older persons, and it will 
 be well. 
 
 Abbreviations are only permitted in business letters, 
 o.:id in friendly correspondence must never be used. 
 
 Figures are never to be used excepting when putting 
 i date or a sum of money. In a business letter the 
 money is generally specified both in figures and words, 
 thus; 500 Five hundred dollars. 
 
 You may put the name, date, and .address of a letter 
 either at the top of the page or at the end. I give a 
 specimen of each style to show my meaning. 
 
 PHILADELPHIA, June 25th y 1855. 
 
 MR. JAMES SMITH, 
 Dear Sir, 
 
 The goods ordered in your letter of the 19th 
 inst. were sent this morning by Adam's Express. We 
 phall be always happy to hear from you, and vill 
 promptly fill any further orders. 
 
 Yours, truly, 
 
 JONES, BROWN, & Co. 
 
 or, 
 
 Dear Sir, 
 
 Your favor of the 5th inst. received to day, 
 Wil: execute your commissions with pleasure. 
 
 Yours, truly, 
 
 J. Jones. 
 Ma. JAMES SMITH. 
 
 PHILA., June 25th, 1854. 
 
LETTER WRITING. 263 
 
 If you send jour own address put it under your own 
 signature, thus: 
 
 J. JONES, 
 
 17 W st, 
 
 NEW YORK. 
 
 The etiquette of letter-writing, should, as much aa 
 possible, be influenced by principles of truth. Tho 
 superscription and the subscription should alike bo 
 in accordance with the tone of the communication, and 
 the domestic or social relation of those between whom it 
 passes. Communications upon professional or business 
 matters, where no acquaintance exists to modify the cir- 
 cumstances, should be written thus: "Mr. Gillct will 
 feel obliged by Mr. Slack's sending by the bearer," &c. 
 It is an absurdity for a man who writes a challenge, or 
 an offensive letter, to another, to subscribe himself, 
 44 Your obedient Servant." I dislike this form of sub- 
 scription, also, when employed by persons of equal rank. 
 It is perfectly becoming when addressed by a servant to 
 an employer. But in other cases, "Yours truly," 
 "Yours very truly," "Your Friend," "Your sincere 
 Friend," "Your Well-wisher," "Your grateful Friend," 
 "Your affectionate Friend," &c., &c., appears to be 
 much more truthful, and to be more in keeping with the 
 legitimate expression of good feeling. It is impossible 
 to lay down a set of rules that shall govern all cases, 
 But 23 a principle, it may be urged, that no person 
 should address another as, "Dear Sir," or, "Dear 
 Madam," without feelings and relations that justify the 
 use of the adjective. These compliments are mockeries 
 
264 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 No one who entertains a desire to write another as 
 "dear," need feel afraid of giving offence by familiarity; 
 for all mankind prize the esteem even of their humblest 
 fellows too much to be annoyed by it. And in proper 
 tion as the integrity of the forms of correspondence in- 
 trcasc, so will these expressions of good feeling be more 
 appreciated. 
 
 The next point to be considered is the subject of your 
 letter, and without a good subject the epistle will be apt 
 to be dull. I do not mean by this that it is necessary 
 to have any extraordinary event to relate, or startling 
 news to communicate; but in order to write a good letter, 
 it is necessary to have a good subject, that you may not 
 rival the Frenchman who wrote to his wife "I write to 
 you because I have nothing to do: I stop because I have 
 nothing to say." Letters written without aim or object, 
 simply for the sake of writing, arc apt to be stupid, tri- 
 vial, or foolish. 
 
 You may write to a friend to congratulate him upon 
 some happy event to himself, or to condole with him in 
 some misfortune, or to ask his congratulations or con- 
 dolence for yourself. You may write to enquire for hig 
 health, or to extend an invitation, a letter of thanks, 
 felicitations, upon business, or a thousand other subjects, 
 which it is useless for me to enumerate. 
 
 LI.TTERS OF BUSINESS. The chief object in a letter 
 cf business is to communicate or enquire about some 
 one fact, and the epistle should be confined entirely to 
 that fact. All compliments, jests, high-flown language 
 and sentiment, are entirely out of place in a business 
 letter, and brevity should be one of the most important 
 
LETTER WRITIXQ. 265 
 
 aims. Do not let your desire to be brief, however, mako 
 your meaning obscure; better to add a few words, or 
 bven lines, to the length of your letter, than to send it 
 in confused, unintelligible language. Chesterfield's ad- 
 vice on business letters is excellent. He says : 
 
 u The first thing necessary in writing letters of busi- 
 ness is, extreme clearness and perspicuity ; every para- 
 graph should be so clear and unambiguous that tho 
 dullest fellow in the world may not be able to mistake it, 
 nor obliged to read it twice in order to understand it. 
 This necessary clearness implies a correctness, without 
 excluding an elegance of style. Tropes, figures, an- 
 tithesis, epigrams, &c., would be as misplaced and as im- 
 pertinent in letters of business as they are sometimes 
 (if judiciously used) proper and pleasing in familiar let- 
 ters, upon common and trite subjects. In business, an 
 elegant simplicity, the result of care, not of labor, is re- 
 quired. Business must be well, not affectedly dressed; 
 but by no means negligently. Let your first attention 
 be to clearness, and read every paragraph after you have 
 written it, in the critical view of discovering whether it 
 is possible that any one man can mistake the true sense 
 of it; and correct it accordingly. 
 
 Our pronouns and relatives often create obscurity and 
 ambiguity; be, therefore, exceedingly attentive to them, 
 and take care to mark out with precision their particular 
 relations. For example, Mr. Johnson acquainted me, 
 that he had seen Mr. Smith, who had promised him to 
 speak to Mr. Clarke, to return him (Mr. Johnson) those 
 papers, which he (Mr. Smith) had left some time ago nith 
 him (Mr. Clarke) ; it is better to repeat a name, though 
 
266 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 unnecessarily, ten times, than to have the person :ni$ 
 taken once. 
 
 " Who, you know, is singly relative to persons, an 3 
 cannot be applied to things; which and that are chiefly 
 relative to things, but not absolutely exclusive of per- 
 sons; for one may say the man, that robbed or killed 
 sueh-a-one; but it is better to sny, the man who robbed 
 or killed. One never says, the man or woman uhich: 
 Which and that, though chiefly relative to things, cannot 
 lie always used indifferently as to things. For instance, 
 the letter which I received from you, which you referred 
 to in your last, which came by Lord Albemarle's mes- 
 senger, which I showed to such-a-one; I would change it 
 thus The letter that I received from you, which you 
 referred to in your last, that cime by Lord Albernarle's 
 messenger, and which I showed to such-a-onc. 
 
 "Business does not exclude (as possibly you wish it 
 did) the usual terms of politeness and good breeding; 
 but, on the contrary, strictly requires them ; such as, I 
 have the honor to acquaint you ; Permit me to assure you; 
 or, If 1 may be allowed to give my opinion, $>c. 
 
 "LETTERS OF BUSINESS will not only admit of, but be 
 the better for certain graces but then, they must be scat- 
 tered with a skillful and sparing hand ; they must fit 
 their place exactly. They must adorn without encum- 
 bering, and modestly shine without glaring. But as this 
 is the utmost degree of perfection in letters of business, 
 I would not advise you to attempt those embellishments, 
 till you have just laid your foundation well. 
 
 u Carefully avoid all Greek or Latin quotations; anj 
 bring no precedents from the virtwus Spartans, the po 
 
LETTER WRITING. 267 
 
 life Athenians, and the brave Romans. Leave all that 
 to futile pedants. No flourishes, no declamations. But 
 (I repeat it again) there is an elegant simplicity and dig- 
 nity of style absolutely necessary for good letters of bu- 
 siness ; attend to that carefully. Let your periods be 
 harmonious, \vithout seeming to be latored; and let 
 thorn not be too long, for that always occasions u degree 
 of obscurity. I should not mention correct orthography, 
 but that to fail in that particular will bring ridicule upon 
 you; for no man is allowed to spell ill. The hand 
 writing, too, should be good; and I cannot conceive why 
 it is ever otherwise, since every.man may, certainly, write 
 whatever hand he pleases. Neatness in folding up, 
 sealing, and directing your packets is, by no means, to 
 be neglected. There is something in the exterior, even 
 of a packet or letter, that may please or displease; and, 
 consequently, worth some attention." 
 
 If you are writing a letter, either upon your own bu- 
 siness or upon that of the person you are addressing, 
 not in answer to him, but opening the subject between 
 you, follow the rule of clearness and of business brevity. 
 Come to the point at once, in order that the person ad- 
 dressed may easily comprehend you. ' Put nobody to 
 the labor of guessing what you desire, and be careful 
 that half-instructions do not lead your correspondent 
 astray. If you have so clear an idea of your operation 
 in y:mr mind, or if it is so simple a one that it needs no 
 words, except specific directions, or a plain request, you 
 need, not waste time, but, with the proper forms of 
 courtesy, instruct him of your wishes. In whatever you 
 write, remember that time is valuable; and that embar 
 
268 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK or ETIQUETTE. 
 
 "rassing or indefinite letters are a great nuisance to a bu 
 siness man. I need hardly remark, that punctuality in 
 answering correspondents is one of the cardinal business 
 virtues. Where it is possible, answer letters by return 
 of post, as you will thus save your own time, and pay 
 your correspondent a flattering compliment. And in 
 opening a correspondence or writing upon your own 
 business, let your communication be made at the earliest 
 pioper date in order that your correspondent, as well aa 
 yourself, may have the benefit of thought and deliber- 
 ation. 
 
 LETTERS. OF INQUIRY should be written in a happy 
 medium, between tedious length and the brevity which 
 would betoken indifference. As the subject is generally 
 limited to questions upon one subject, they will not ad- 
 mit of much verbiage, and if your inquiry relates simply 
 to a matter of business, it is better to confine your words 
 Strictly to that business; if, however, you are writing tc 
 make inquiry as to the health of a friend, or any other 
 matter in which feeling or affection dictates the epistle, 
 the cold, formal style of a business letter would become 
 heartless, and, in many cases, positively insulting. You 
 must here add some words of compliment, express your 
 friendly interest in the subject, and your hope that a fa- 
 vorable answer may be returned, and if the occasion is 
 a painful one, a few lines of regret or condolence may 
 bo added. 
 
 If you are requesting a favor of your correspondent, 
 you should apologize for the trouble you are giving him. 
 tnd mention the necessity which prompts you to write. 
 
 If you are making inquiries of a friend, your letter 
 
LETTER WRITING. 269 
 
 will then admit of some words of compliment', and may 
 be written in an easy, familiar style. 
 
 If writing to a stranger, your request for information 
 becomes a personal favor, and you should write in a 
 manner to show him that you feel this. Speak of tho 
 obligation he will confer, mention the necessity which 
 compels you to trouble him, and follow his answer by a 
 note of thanks. 
 
 Always, when sending a letter of inquiry, enclose a 
 stamp for the answer. If you trouble your corres- 
 pondent to take his time to write you information, valu- 
 able only to yourself, you have no right to tax him also 
 for the price of postage. 
 
 ANSWERS TO LETTERS OF INQUIRY should be written 
 as soon as possible after such letters are received. If 
 the inquiry is of a personal nature, concerning your 
 health, family affairs, or the denial or corroboration of 
 some report concerning yourself, you should thank your 
 correspondent for the interest he expresses, and such a 
 a letter should be answered immediately. If the letter 
 you receive contains questions which you cannot answer 
 instantly, as, for instance, if you are obliged to see 
 a third party, or yourself make inquiry upon tho 
 subject proposed, it is best to write a few lines ac- 
 knowledging the receipt of your friend's letter, ox- 
 pressing your pleasure at being able to serve him, and 
 Stating why you cannot immediately give him the de- 
 sired information, with the promise to write again aa 
 Boon ns such information is yours to send. 
 
 LETTERS REQUESTING FAVORS are trying to write, 
 must be dictated by the circumstances which mak$r 
 
270 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 them necessary. Be careful not to be servile in such 
 letters. Take a respectful, but, at the same time, manly 
 tone; and, while you acknowledge the obligation a fa- 
 vorable answer will confer, do not adopt the cringing 
 language of a beggar. 
 
 LETTERS CONFERRING FAVORS should never be writ- 
 ten in a style to make the recipient feel a weight of ob- 
 ligation; on the contrary, the style should be such aa 
 will endeavor to convince your correspondent that in 
 his acceptance of your favor he confers an obligi tion 
 upon you. 
 
 LETTERS REFUSING FAVORS call for your most court- 
 eous language, for they must give some pain, and this 
 may be very much softened by the manner in which you 
 write. Express your^regret at being unable to grant your 
 friend's request, a hope that at some future time it may be 
 in your power to answer another such letter more favor- 
 ably, and give a good reason for your refusal. 
 
 LETTERS ACKNOWLEDGING FAVORS, or letters of thanks, 
 should be written in a cordial, frank, and grateful style. 
 While you earnestly thank your correspondent for his 
 kindness, you must never hint at any payment of the 
 obligation. If you have the means of obliging him near 
 you at that instant, make your offer of the favor the 
 subject of another letter, lest he attribute your haste to 
 a desire to rid yourself of an obligation. To hint at a 
 future payment is still more indelicate. When you can 
 show your gratitude by a suitable return, then let your 
 actions, not your words, speak for the accuracy of your 
 memory in retaining the recollection of favors conferred. 
 
 ANONYMOUS LETTERS. The man ivho would write 
 
LETTER WRITING. 271 
 
 an anonymous letter, cither to insult the person ad- 
 dressed, or annoy a third person, is a scoundrel, " \vhom 
 'twere gross flattery to name a coward." Nore but a 
 man of the lowest principles, and meanest character, 
 would commit an act to gratify malice or hatred without 
 danger to himself. A gentleman will treat such a com- 
 munication with the contemptuous silence which it de- 
 serves. 
 
 LETTERS OF INTELLIGENCE. The first thing to he re- 
 garded in a letter of intelligence is truth. They are 
 written on every variety of subjects, under circumstances 
 of the saddest and the most joyful nature. They are 
 written often under the pressure of the most crushing 
 grief, at other times when the hand trembles with ec- 
 stacy, and very frequently when a weight of other cares 
 and engagements makes the time of the writer invaluable. 
 Yet, whether the subject communicated concerns your- 
 self or another, remember that every written word is a 
 record for your veracity or falsehood. If exaggeration, 
 or, still worse, malice, guide your pen, in imparting 
 painful subjects, or if the desire to avoid causing grief 
 makes you violate truth to soften trying news, you are 
 signing your name to a written falsehood, and the letter 
 may, at some future time, rise to confront you and prove 
 that your intelligence cannot be trusted. Whatever the 
 character of the news you communicate, let taste and 
 discretion guide you in the manner of imparting it. If 
 it is of so sorrowful a character that you know it must 
 cause pain, you may endeavor to open 4 he subject 
 gradually, and a few lines of sympathy and comfort, if 
 i-*keeded at the time, may be appreciated when tho 
 
272 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 mourner re-reads your letter in calmer moments. Jcyfu! 
 news, though it does not need the same caution, also ad- 
 mits of expressions of sympathy. 
 
 Never write the gossip around you, unless you are 
 obliged to communicate some event, and then write only 
 what you know to be true, or, if you speak of doubtful 
 matters, state them to be such. Avoid mere scandal 
 and hearsay, and, above all, avoid letting your own 
 malice or bitterness of feeling color all your statements 
 in their blackest dye. Be, under such circumstances, 
 truthful, just, and charitable. 
 
 LETTERS OF RECOMMENDATION should be written only 
 when they are positively necessary, and great caution 
 should be used in giving them. They make you, in a 
 measure, responsible for the conduct of another, and if 
 you give them frequently, on slight grounds, you will 
 certainly have cause to repent your carelessness. They 
 are letters of business, and should be carefully composed ; 
 truthful, while they are courteous, and just, while they 
 are kind. If you sacrifice candor to a mistaken kind- 
 ness, you not only make yourself a party to any mischief 
 that may result, but you are committing a dishonest act 
 towards the person to whom the letter will be delivered. 
 
 LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION should be short, as they 
 are generally delivered in person, and ought not to oc- 
 cupy much time in reading, as no one likes to have to 
 wait while a long letter of introduction is read. Whilo 
 you speak of the bearer in the warm language of friend- 
 ship, do not write praises in such a letter; they are 
 about as much in place as they would be if you spoka 
 them at a personal introduction. Leave letters of ID- 
 
LETTER WRITING. 27 SJ 
 
 troduction unsealed, for it is a gross breacli of politeness 
 to prevent the bearer from reading what yen have writ- 
 ten, by fastening the envelope. The most common 
 farm is : 
 
 Dear Sir, 
 
 It gives me much pleasure to introduce to you, 
 
 the bearer of this letter, as my friend Mr. J , who is 
 
 to remain a few days in your city on his way to New 
 Orleans. I trust that the acquaintance of two friends, 
 for whom I have so long entertained so warm an esteem, 
 will prove as pleasant as my intercourse with each has 
 always been. Any attention which it maybe in your 
 
 power to pay to Mr. J , whilst he is in your city, will 
 
 be highly appreciated and gratefully acknowledged by 
 
 Your sincere friend 
 
 JAMES C. RAY. 
 
 MR. L. G. EDMONDS. 
 
 June, 23c?, 18. 
 
 If your letter is to introduce any gentleman in his 
 business or professional capacity, mention what that bu- 
 siness is ; and if your own acquaintance with the bearer 
 is slight, you may also use the name of the persons from 
 whom he brought letters to yourself. Here, you may, 
 with perfect propriety, say a few words in praise of the 
 bearer's skill in his professional labors. If he is an 
 artist, you need not hesitate to give a favorable opinion 
 of whatever of his pictures }*ou have seen, or, if a mu- 
 sician, express the delight his skill has afforded y:m. 
 
 A LETTER REQUESTING AN AUTOGRAPH should always 
 
 enclose a postage stamp for the reply. In such a lettel 
 18 
 
274 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 some words of compliment, expressive of the value, of 
 the name for which you ask, is in good taste. You may 
 refer to the deeds or celebrity which have made the name 
 BO desirable, and also express your sense of the great- 
 ness of the favor, and the obligation the granting of it 
 will confer. 
 
 AUTOGRAPH LETTERS should be short; containing 
 merely a few lines, thanking the person addressed for 
 the compliment paid in requesting the signature, and ex- 
 pressive of the pleasure it gives you to comply with the 
 request. If you wish to refuse (though none but a churl 
 would do so), do not fall into the error of an eccentric 
 American whose high position in the army tempted a 
 collector of autographs to request his signature. Tho 
 general wrote in reply: 
 
 "Sir, 
 
 "I'll be hanged if I send my autograph to anybody. 
 
 "Yours, 
 
 and signed his name in full in the strong, bold letters 
 which always characterized his hand writing. 
 
 INVITATIONS TO LADIES should be written in the third 
 person, unless you are very intimate with them, or can 
 claim relationship. All letters addressed to a lady 
 tiliould be written in a respectful style, and when they 
 are short and to a comparative stranger, the third person 
 is the most elegant one to use. Remember, in directing 
 letters to your,g ladies, the eldest one in a family is ad- 
 dressed by the surname alone, while the others have also 
 the prefer name ; thus, if you wrote to the daughter* 
 
LETTER WRITING. 275 
 
 of Mr. Smith, the eldest one is Miss Smith, the others, 
 Miss Annie Smith and Miss Jane Smith. 
 
 Invitations should be sent by your own servant, or 
 clerk. Nothing is more vulgar than sending invitations 
 through the despatch, and you run the risk of their 
 being delayed. The first time that you invite a lady to 
 accompany you to ride, walk, or visit any place of 
 public amusement, you should also invite her mother, 
 sister, or any other lady in the same family, unless you 
 have a mother or sister with whom the lady invited is 
 acquainted, when you should say in your note that your 
 mother or sister will accompany you. 
 
 LETTERS OF COMPLIMENT being confined to one sub- 
 ject should be short and simple. If they are of thanks 
 for inquiry made, they should merely echo the letter 
 they answer, with the acknowledgement of your corres- 
 pondent's courtesy. 
 
 LETTERS OF CONGRATULATION. Letters of congratu- 
 lation are the most agreeable of all letters to write ; your 
 subject is before you, and you have the pleasure of sym- 
 pathizing in the happiness of a friend. They sliould be 
 written in a frank, genial style, with warm expressions 
 of pleasure at your friend's joy, and admit of any happy 
 quotations or jest. 
 
 When congratulating your friend on an occasion of 
 happiness to himself, be very careful that your letter has 
 jio word of envy at his good fortune, no fears for its 
 fitort duration, no prophecy of a change for the worse; 
 let all be bright, cheerful, and hopeful. There arc fe\f 
 men whose life calls for letters of congratulation upon 
 many occasions, let them have bright, unclouded ones 
 
270 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 when they can claim them. If you have other friends 
 whose sorrow makes a contrast with the joy of the 
 person to whom you are writing, nay, even if you 
 yourself are in affliction, do not mention it in such a 
 letter. 
 
 At the same time avoid the satire of exageration in 
 your expressions of congratulation, and be very careful 
 how you underline a word. If you write a hope that 
 your friend may be perfectly happy, he will not think 
 that the emphasis proves the strength of your wish, but 
 that you are fearful that it will not be fulfilled. 
 
 If at the same time that you are writing a letter of 
 congratulation, you have sorrowful news to communicate, 
 do not put your tidings of grief into your congratulatory 
 letter; let that contain only cheerful, pleasant words j 
 even if your painful news must be sent the same day, 
 send it in a separate epistle. 
 
 LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE are trying both to the writer 
 and to the reader. If your sympathy is sincere, and 
 you feel the grief of your friend as if it were your own, 
 you will find it difficult to express in written words the 
 Borrow that you are anxious to comfort. 
 
 Even tile warmest, most sincere expressions, sound 
 cold and commonplace to the mourner, and one grasp of 
 the hand, one glance of the eye, will do more to express 
 sympathy than whole sheets of written words. It is 
 best not to try to say all that you feel. You will fail in 
 the attempt and may weary your friend. Let your 
 letter, then, be short, (not heartlessly so) but let its 
 words, though few, be warm and sincere. Any light, 
 cheerful jesting will be insulting in a letter of con* 
 
LETTER WRITING. 277 
 
 dolenoe. If you wish to comfort by bringing forward 
 blessings or hopes for the future, do not do it with gay, 
 or jesting expressions, but in a gentle, kind manner, 
 drawing your words of comfort, not from trivial, passing 
 events, but from the highest and purest sources. 
 
 If the subject for condolence be loss of fortune or 
 any similar event, your letter will admit of the cheering 
 \rords of every-day life, and kindly hopes that the 
 wheel of fortune may take a more favorable turn ; hut, 
 if death causes your friend's affliction, there is but little 
 to be said in the first hours of grief. Your letter of 
 sympathy and comfort may be read after the first crush- 
 ing grief is over, and appreciated then, but words -of 
 comfort are but little heeded when the first agony of a 
 life-long separation is felt in all the force of its first 
 hours. 
 
 LETTERS SENT WITH PRESENTS should be short, mere 
 cards of compliment, and written in the third person. 
 
 LETTERS ACKNOWLEDGING PRESENTS should also be 
 quite short, written in the third person, and merely 
 containing a few lines of thanks, with a word or two 
 of admiration for the beauty, value, or usefulness of the 
 gift. 
 
 LETTERS OF ADVICE are generally very unpalatable 
 for the reader, and had better not be written unless so- 
 licited, and not then unless your counsel will really 
 benefit your correspondent. When written, let them be 
 courteous, but, at the same time, perfectly frank. If 
 you can avert an evil by writing a letter of advice, even 
 when unsolicited, it is a friendly office to write, but it ia 
 usually a thankless one. 
 
278 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 To write after an act has been performed, and state 
 what your advice Would have been, had your opinion 
 been asked, is extremely foolish, and if you disapprove 
 of the course that has been taken, your best plan is, 
 certainly, to say nothing about it. 
 
 In writing your letter of advice, give your judgement 
 as an opinion, not a law, and say candidly that you will 
 not feel hurt if contrary advice offered by any other, 
 more competent to judge in the case, is taken. While 
 your candor may force you to give the most unpalatable 
 ccunsel, let your courtesy so express it, that it cannot 
 give offence. 
 
 LETTERS OF EXCUSE are sometimes necessary, and 
 they should be written promptly, as a late apology for 
 an offence is worse than no apology at all. They should 
 be written in a frank, manly style, containing an ex- 
 planation of the offence, and the facts which led to it, 
 the assurance of the absence of malice or desire to 
 offend, sorrow for the circumstances, and a hope that 
 your apology will be accepted. Never wait until cir- 
 cumstances force an apology from you before writing a 
 letter of excuse. A frank, prompt acknowledgement 
 of an offence, and a candidly expressed desire to atone 
 for it, or for indulgence towards it, cannot fail to con- 
 ciliate any reasonable person. 
 
 CARDS OF COMPLIMENT must always be written in tho 
 third person. 
 
 ANSWERS. The first requisite in answering a letter 
 upon any subject, is promptness. If you can answer 
 by return of mail, do so; if not, write as soon as possi- 
 
LETTER WRITING. 273 
 
 blc. If you receive a letter making inquiries about 
 facts which you will require time to ascertain, then write 
 a few lines acknowledging the receipt of the letter of 
 inquiry and promising to send the infoimation as soca 
 9 possible. 
 
2HO GENTLEMEN'S BOOK 07 ETIQUETTE. 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 WEDDING ETIQUETTE. 
 
 FRTM an English work, "The Habits of Good So- 
 riety," I quote some directions for 'the guidance of the 
 happy man who proposes to enter the state of matri- 
 mony. I have altered a few words to suit the difference 
 of country, but when weddings are performed in church, 
 the rules given here are excellent. They will apply 
 equally well to the evening ceremony. 
 
 "At a time when our feelings are or ought to be most 
 susceptible, when the happiness or misery of a condition 
 in which there is no medium begins, we arc surrounded 
 with forms and etiquettes which rise before the unwary 
 like spectres, and which even the most rigid ceremonial- 
 ists regard with a sort of dread. 
 
 u Were it not, however, for these forms, and for this 
 necessity of being en regie, there might, on the solemn 
 ization of marriage, be confusion, forgetfulness, and, 
 even speak it not aloud irritation among the parties 
 most intimately concerned. Excitement might ruin all, 
 Without a definite programme, the old maids of the 
 family would be thrusting in advice. The aged chronicler 
 of past events, or grandmother by the fireside, would 
 have it all her way; the venerable bachelor in tights. 
 
WEDDING ETIQUETTE. 2&1 
 
 with his blue coat and metal buttons, might throw every 
 thing into confusion by his suggestions. It is well that 
 we are indepenent of all these interfering advisers; that 
 there is no necessity to appeal to them. Precedent hsa 
 arranged it all; we have only to put in or understand 
 what that stern authority has laid down; how it has been 
 varied by modern changes; and we must just shape cur 
 course boldly. * Boldly?' But there is much to bo 
 done before we come to that. First, there is the offer to 
 be made. Well may a man who contemplates such a 
 step say to himself, with Dryden : 
 
 * These are the realms of everlasting fate ;' 
 
 for, in trutb, on marriage one's well-being not only here 
 but even hereafter mainly depends. But it is not on this 
 bearing of the subject that we wish to enter, contenting 
 ourselves with a quotation from the Spectator: 
 
 u ' It requires more virtues to make a good husba'nd or 
 wife, than what go to the finishing any the most shining 
 character whatsoever.' 
 
 "In France, an engagement is an affair of negotiation 
 and business; and the system, in this respect, greatly 
 resembles the practice in England, on similar occasions, 
 a hundred and fifty or two hundred years ago, or even 
 later. France is the most unchanging country in tho 
 world in her habits and domestic institutions, and fore- 
 most among these is her ''Marriage de convcnance, or 
 'fiLm-iage de raisou.' 
 
 " It 13 thus brought about. So soon as a young girl 
 quits the school or convent where she has been educated, 
 her friends cast about for a suitable parti. Most parents 
 
282 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 in France take care, so soon as a daughter is born, ta 
 put aside a sum of money for her l dot,' J\s they well 
 know that, whatever may be her attractions, that is in- 
 dispensable in order to be married. They are ever on 
 the look out for a- youth with, at least, an equal fortune, 
 or more ; or, if they are rich, for title, which is deemed 
 tantamount to fortune; even the power of writing those 
 two little letters De before your name has some value in 
 the marriage contract. Having satisfied themselves, 
 they thus address the young lady: 'It is now time for 
 you to be married; I know of an eligible match; you 
 can see the gentleman, either at such a ball, or [if he is 
 serious] at church. I do not ask you to take him if his 
 appearance is positively disagreeable to you; if so, wo 
 will look out for some one else.' 
 
 " As a matter of custom, the young lady answers that 
 the will of her parents is hers ; she consents to take a 
 survey of him to whom her destiny is to be entrusted ; 
 and let us presume that he is accepted, though it does 
 not follow, and sometimes it takes several months to look 
 out, as it does for other matters, a house, or a place, or 
 a pair of horses. However, she consents; a formal in- 
 troduction takes place; the promis calls in full dress to 
 see his future wife ; they are only just to speak to each 
 other, and those few unmeaning words are spoken in the 
 presence of the bride-elect's mother; for the French 
 think it most indiscreet to allow the affections of a girl 
 to be interested before marriage, lest during the arrange- 
 ments for the contract all should be broken off. If she 
 has no dislike, it is enough; never for an instant arc the 
 engaged couple left alone, and in very few cases do they 
 
WEDDING ETIQUETTE. 283 
 
 go up to the altar with more than a few weeks' acquaint- 
 ance, and usually with less. The whole matter is then 
 arranged by notaries, who squabble over the marriage* 
 contract, and get all they can for their clients. 
 
 "The contract is usually signed in France on the day 
 before the marriage, when all is considered safe; the re- 
 ligious portion of their bond takes place in the church, 
 and then the two young creatures are left together to 
 understand each other if they can, and to love each other 
 if they will; if not they must content themselves with 
 what is termed, un menage de Paris. 
 
 "In England, formerly, much the same system pre- 
 vailed. A boy of fourteen, before going on his travels, 
 was contracted to a girl of eleven, selected as his future 
 wife by parents or guardians; he came back after the 
 grande tour to fulfil the engagement. But by law it was 
 imperative that forty days should at least pass between 
 the contract and the marriage; during which dreary in- 
 terval the couple, leashed together like two young grey- 
 hounds, would have time to think of the future. In 
 France, the perilous period of reflection is not allowed. 
 'I really am so glad we are to take a journey,' said a 
 young French lady to her friends; 'I shall thus get to 
 know something about my husband; he is quite a stranger 
 to me/ Some striking instances of the Marriage de 
 ccnvenance being infringed on, have lately occurred in 
 France. The late Monsieur de Tocqucvillc married for 
 love, after a five years' engagement. Guizot, probably 
 influenced by his acquaintance with England, gave hi& 
 daughters liberty to choose for themselves, and they 
 
284 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 married for love* 'a very indelicate proceeding. 1 re- 
 marked a French comtesse of the old reyeme, \\k?n 
 speaking of this arrangement. 
 
 "Nothing can be more opposed to all this than the 
 American system. They are so tenacious of the freedom 
 of choice, that even persuasion is thought criminal. 
 
 "In France negotiations are often commenced en tho 
 lady's side; in America, never. Even too encouraging 
 a manner, even the ordinary attentions of civility, are, 
 occasionally, a matter of reproach. We are jealous of 
 the delicacy of that sacred bond, which we presume ta 
 hope is to spring out of mutual affection. A gentleman 
 who, from whatever motives, has made up his mind to 
 marry, may set about it in two ways. He may propose 
 by letter or in words. The customs of society imply 
 the necessity of a sufficient knowledge of the lady to be 
 addressed. This, even in this country, is a difficult 
 point to be attained; and, after all, cannot be calculated 
 by time, since, in large cities, you may know people a 
 year, and yet be comparative strangers; and, meeting 
 them in the country, may become intimate in a week. 
 
 "Having made up his mind, the gentleman offers 
 wisely, if he can, in speech. Letters are seldom expres- 
 sive of what really passes in the mind of man ; or, if 
 expressive, seem foolish, since deep feelings are liable to 
 exaggeration. Every written word may be the theme 
 of cavil. Study, care, which avail in every other species 
 of composition, are death to the lover's effusion. A few 
 sentences, spoken in earnest, and broken by emotion, 
 are more eloquent than pages of sentiment, beck td 
 * Two brothers, named De Witte. 
 
WEDDING ETIQUETTE. 285 
 
 parent and daughter. Let him, however, speak and be 
 accepted. He is, in that case, instantly taken into the 
 intimacy of his adopted relatives. Such is the notion 
 of American honor, that the engaged couple arc hence- 
 forth allowed to be frequently alone together, in walking 
 and at home. If there be no known obstacle to the cr- 
 gngerncnt, the gentleman arid lady are mutually int/o 
 duced to the respective relatives of each. It is for the 
 gentleman's family to call first; for him to make the first 
 present; and this should be done as soon as possible 
 after the offer has been accepted. It is a sort of seal 
 put upon the affair. The absence of presents is thought 
 to imply want of earnestness in the matter. This pre- 
 sent generally consists of some personal ornament, say, 
 a ring, and should be handsome, but not so handsome as 
 that made for the wedding-day. During the period that 
 elapses before the marriage, the betrothed man should 
 conduct himself with peculiar deference to the lady's 
 family and friends, even if beneath his own station. It 
 is often said: *I marry such a lady, but I do not mean 
 to marry her whole family.' This disrespectful plea- 
 santry has something in it so cold, so selfish, that even 
 if the lady's family be disagreeable, there is a total ab- 
 sence of delicate feeling to her in thus speaking of those 
 nearest to her. To her parents especially, the conduct 
 of the betrothed man should be respectful; to her sisters 
 ki/i 1 without familiarity; to her brothers, every evidence 
 of good-will should be testified. In making every pro- 
 vision for the future, in regard to settlements, allowance 
 for dress, &c., the extent of liberality convenient should 
 bo the spirit of all arrangements. Perfect candor as to 
 
280 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 his own affairs, respectful consiieration for those of the 
 family lie is about to enter, mark a true gentleman. 
 
 "In France, however gay and even blamcable a man 
 way have been before his betrothel, he conducts himself 
 with the utmost propriety after that event. A sense of 
 what is due to a lady should repress all habits unpleasant 
 to her; smoking, if disagreeable; frequenting places of 
 amusement without her; or paying attention to other 
 women. In this respect, indeed, the sense of honor 
 should lead a man to be as scrupulous when his future 
 wife is absent as when she is present, if not more so. 
 
 " In equally bad taste is exclusiveness. The devotions 
 of two engaged persons should be reserved for the tete-a- 
 tete, arid women are generally in fault when it is other- 
 wise. They like to exhibit their conquest; they cannot 
 dispense with attentions; they forget that the demon- 
 stration of any peculiar condition of things in society 
 must make some one uncomfortable; the young lady ig 
 uncomfortable because she is not equally happy; the 
 young man detests what he calls nonsense; the old think 
 there is a time for all things. All sitting apart, there- 
 fore, and peculiar displays, are in bad taste ; I am in- 
 clined to think that they often accompany insinceritj, 
 and that the truest affections are those which are reserved 
 for the genuine and heartfelt intimacy of private inter- 
 views. At the same time, the airs of indifference anil 
 avoidance should be equally guarded against; since, 
 however strong and mutual attachment may be, such a 
 line of conduct is apt needlessly to mislead others, ant 
 go produce mischief. True feeling, and a lady-like con- 
 lideration for others, a point in which the present gene 
 
WEDDIXG ETIQUETTE, 287 
 
 ration essentially fails, are the best guides for steering 
 between the extremes of demonstration on the one-hand, 
 and of frigidity Qn the other. 
 
 "During the arrangement of pecuniary matters, a 
 young lady should endeavor to understand what is going 
 on, receiving it in a right spirit. If she has fortune, she 
 should, in all points left to her, be generous and confid- 
 ing, at the same time prudent. Many a man, she shc>jLI 
 remember, may abound in excellent qualities, and yet bo 
 improvident. He may mean to do well, yet have a pas- 
 sion for building; he may be the very soul of good na- 
 ture, yet fond of the gaming-table; he may have no 
 wrong propensities of that sort, and yet have a confused 
 notion of accounts, and be one of those men who muddle 
 away a great deal of money, no one knows how; or he 
 may be a too strict economist, a man who takes too good 
 care of the pence, till he tires your very life out about 
 an extra dollar; or he may be facile or weakly good 
 natured, and have a friend who preys on him, and 
 for whom he is disposed to become security. Finally, 
 the beloved Charles, Henry, or Reginald may have none 
 of these propensities, but may chance to be an honest 
 merchant, or a tradesman, with all his floating capital in 
 business, and a consequent risk of being one day rich, 
 the next a pauper. 
 
 4i Upon every account, therefore, it is desirable for a 
 young lady to have a settlement on her; and she should 
 not, from a weak spirit of romance, oppose her frienda 
 who advise it, since it is for her husband's advantage aa 
 well as her own. By making a settlement there is always 
 * fuud which cannot be touched a something, however 
 
2S8 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 small, as a provision for a wife and children ; and whethci 
 she have fortune or not, this ought to be made. An al- 
 lowance for dress should also be arranged; and this 
 should be administered in such a way that a wife should 
 not have to ask for it at inconvenient hours, and thus ir- 
 litate her husband. 
 
 "Every preliminary being settled, there remains no- 
 thing except to fix the marriage-day, a point always left 
 to the lady to advance; and next to settle how the cere- 
 monial is to be performed is the subject of consideration. 
 
 "It is to be lamented that, previous to so solemn a 
 ceremony, the thoughts of the lady concerned must ne- 
 cessarily be engaged for some time upon her trousseau. 
 The trousseau consists, in this country, of all the habili- 
 ments necessary for a lady's use for the first two or three 
 years of her married life; like every other outfit there 
 are always a number of articles introduced into it that 
 are next to useless, and are only calculated for the vain- 
 glory of the ostentatious. 
 
 "The trousseau being completed, and the day fixed, it 
 becomes necessary to select the bridesmaids and the 
 bridegroom's man, and to invite the guests. 
 
 "The bridesmaids are from two to eight in number. 
 It is ridiculous to have many, as the real intention of tho 
 bridesmaid is, that she should act as a witness of the 
 marriage. It is, however, thought a compliment to in- 
 clude the bride's sisters and those of the bridegroom's 
 relations and intimate friends, in case sisters do not 
 exist. 
 
 "When a bride is young the bridesmaids should be 
 young; but it is absurd to see a 'single woman of a cer- 
 
WEDDING ETIQUETTE. 239 
 
 tain age,' or a widow, surrounded by blooming girls, 
 making her look plain and foolish. For them the dis- 
 creet woman of thirty-five is more suitable as a brides- 
 maid. Custom decides that the bridesmaids should be 
 spinsters, but there is no legal objection to a marric! 
 woman being a bridesmaid, should it be necessary, as it 
 might be abroad, or at sea, or where ladies are few in 
 number. Great care should be taken not to give offence 
 in the choice of bridesmaids by a preference, which is 
 always in bad taste on momentous occasions. 
 
 " The guests at the wedding should be selected with 
 similar attention to what is right and kind, with consid- 
 eration to those who have a claim on us, not only to what 
 we ourselves prefer. 
 
 "For a great wedding breakfast, it is customary to 
 send out printed cards from the parents or guardians 
 from whose house the young lady is to be married. 
 
 "Early in the day, before eleven, the bride should be 
 dressed, taking breakfast in her own room. In America 
 they load a bride with lace flounces on a rich silk, and 
 even sometimes with ornaments. In France it is always 
 remembered, with better taste, that when a young lady 
 goes up to the altar, she is ' encore jeune file ;' her 
 dress, therefore, is exquisitely simple; a dress of tulle 
 over white silk, a long, wide veil of white tulle, going 
 down to the very feet, a wreath of maiden-blush-roses 
 interspersed with orange flowers. This is the usual cos- 
 tume of a French bride of rank, or in the middle classes 
 equally. 
 
 " The gentleman's dress should differ little from his 
 full morning costume. The days are gone by when 
 19 
 
290 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 gentlemen were married as a recently decease 1 friend 
 of mine was in white satin breeches and waistcoat. In 
 these days men show less joy in their attire at the fond 
 consumation of their hopes, and more in their faces. A 
 dark-blue frock-coat black being superstitiously con- 
 sidered ominous a white waistcoat, and a pair of light 
 trousers, suffice for the ' happy man.' The neck-tie also 
 fchould be light and simple. Polished boots are not 
 amiss, though plain ones are better. The gloves must 
 be as white as the linen. Both are typical for in these 
 days types are as important as under the Hebrew law- 
 givers of the purity of mind and heart which are sup- 
 posed to exist in their wearer. Eheu! after all, he can- 
 not be too well dressed, for the more gay he is the 
 greater the compliment to his bride. Flowers in the 
 button-hole and a smile on the face show the bridegroom 
 to be really a * happy man.' 
 
 ".As soon as the carriages are at the door, those 
 bridesmaids, who happen to be in the house, and the 
 other members of the family set off first. The bride 
 goes last, with her father and mother, or with her mother 
 alone, and the brother or relative who is to represent her 
 father in case of death or absence. The bridegroom, 
 his friend, or bridegroom's man, and the bridesmaids 
 ought to be waiting in the church. The father of the 
 bride gives her his arm, and leads her t) the altar 
 Here her bridesmaids stand near her, as arranged by tht 
 clerk, and the bridegroom takes his appointed place. 
 
 " It is a good thing for the bridegroom's man to dis 
 tribute the different fees to the clergyman or clergy mei 
 
WEDDING ETIQUETTE. 291 
 
 the clerk, and pew-opener, before the arrival of the bride, 
 as it prevents confusion afterwards. 
 
 " The bride stands to the left of the bridegroom, and 
 takes the glove off her right hand, whilst he takes his 
 glove off his right hand. Tho bride gives her glcve to 
 the bridesmaid to hold, and sometimes to keep, as a good 
 omen. 
 
 " The service then begins. During the recital, it 13 
 certainly a matter of feeling how the parties concerned 
 should behave ; but if tears can be restrained, and a 
 quiet modesty in the lady displayed, and her emotions 
 subdued, it adds much to the gratification of others, and 
 saves a few pangs tc she parents from whom she is to 
 part. 
 
 " It should be remembered that this is but the closing 
 scene of a drama of some duration first the offer, then 
 the consent and engagement. In most cases the mar- 
 riage has been preceded by acts which have stamped the 
 whole with certainty, although we do not adopt the con- 
 tract system of our forefathers, and although no event 
 in this life can be certain. 
 
 " I have omitted the mention of the bouquet, because 
 it seems to me always an awkward addition to the brido : 
 and that it should be presented afterwards on her return 
 to the breakfast. Gardenies, if in season, white azalia, 
 or even camellias, with very little orange flowers, form 
 the bridal bouquet. The bridesmaids are dressed, on 
 this occasion, so as to complete the picture with effect. 
 When there are six or eight, it is usual for three of them 
 to dress in one color, and three in another. At some of 
 the most fashionable weddings in London, the brides- 
 
292 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK or ETIQUETTE. 
 
 maids wear veils these are usually of net or tulle; \vhite 
 tarlatan dresses, over muslin or beautifully-worked 
 dresses, are much worn, with colors introduced pink or 
 blue, and scarves of those colors ; and white bonnets, if 
 bonnets are worn, trimmed with flowers to correspond. 
 These should be simple, but the flowers as natural aa 
 possibl?, and of the finest quality. The bouquets of the 
 bridesmaids should be of mixed flowers. These they 
 raay have at church, but the present custom is for the 
 gentlemen of tbe house to present them on their return 
 home, previous to the wedding breakfast. 
 
 " The register is then signed. The bride quits the 
 church first with the bridegroom, and gets into his car- 
 riage, and the father and mother, bridesmaids, and bride- 
 groom's man, follow in order in their own. 
 
 "The breakfast is arranged on one or more tables, 
 and is generally provided by a confectioner when expense 
 is not an object. 
 
 " Presents are usual, first from the bridegroom to the 
 bridesmaids. These generally consist of jewelry, the 
 device of which should be unique or quaint, the article 
 more elegant than massive. The female servants of the 
 family, more especially servants wLo have lived many 
 years in their place, also expect presents, such as gowna 
 or shawls; or to a very valued personal attendant or 
 housekeeper, a watch. But on such points discretion 
 must suggest, and liberality measure out the largesse of 
 the gift/' 
 
 When the ceremony is performed at the house of the 
 bride, the bridegroom should be ready full half an hour 
 before the time appointed, and enter the parlor at the 
 
WEDDING ETIQUETTE, 298 
 
 head of his army of bridesmaids and groomsmen, -with 
 his fair bride on his arm. In America a groomsman is 
 allowed for each bridesmaid, whilst in England one poor 
 man is all that is allowed for six, sometimes eight brides 
 maids. The brothers or very intimate friends of the 
 bride ind groom ire usually selected for groomsmen. 
 
294 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 CHAPTER XVII, 
 
 ETIQUETTE FOR PLACES OF AMUSEMENT. 
 
 WHEN you wish to invite a lady to accompany you to 
 the theatre, opera, a concert, or any other public place 
 of amusement, send the invitation the day previous to 
 the one selected for taking her, and write it in the third 
 person. If it is the first time you have invited her, in 
 elude her mother, sister, or some, other lady in the invita 
 tion. 
 
 If she accepts your invitation, let it be your next care 
 to secure good seats, for it is but a poor compliment to 
 invite a lady to go to the opera, and put her in an un- 
 comfortable seat, where she can neither hear, see, nor be 
 Been. 
 
 Although, when alone, you. will act a courteous part 
 in giving your seat to a strange lady, who is standing, 
 in a crowded concert room, you should not do so when 
 you are with a lady. By giving up your place beside 
 her, you may place a lady next her, whom she will find 
 an unpleasant companion, and you are yourself separated 
 from her, when the conversation between the acts makes 
 one of the greatest pleasures of an evening spent in this 
 way. In case of accident, too, he deprives her of his 
 protection, and gives her the appearance of having come 
 
ETIQUETTE FOR PLACES OF AMUSEMENT. 295 
 
 alone. Your first duty, when you are escorting a lady, 
 is to that lady before all others. 
 
 When you are with a lady at a place of amusement, 
 you must not leave your seat until you rise to escort her 
 home. If at the opera, you may invite her to promenade 
 between the acts, but if she declines, do you too remain 
 in your seat. 
 
 Let all your conversation be in a low tone, not whis- 
 pered, nor wi'h any air of mystery, but in a tone that 
 will not disturb those seated near you. 
 
 Any lover-like airs or attitudes, although you may have 
 the right to assume them, are in excessively bad taste in 
 public. 
 
 If the evening you have appointed be a stormy one, 
 you must call for your companion with a carriage, and 
 this is the more elegant way of taking her even if the 
 weather does not make it absolutely necessary. 
 
 When you are entering a concert room, or the box of 
 a theatre, walk before your companion up the aisle, until 
 you reach the seats you have secured, then turn, offer 
 your hand to her, and place her in the inner seat, taking 
 the outside one yourself; in going out, if the aisle is too 
 yarrow to walk two abreast, you again precede your 
 companion until you reach the lobby, where you turn 
 and offer your arm to her. 
 
 Loud talking, laughter, or mistimed applause, are all 
 in very bad taste, for if you do not wish to pay strict 
 attention to the performance, those around you probably 
 do, and you pay but a poor compliment to your com- 
 panion in thus implying her want of interest in what she 
 came to see. 
 
296 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OP ETIQUETTE. 
 
 Secure your programme, libretto, or concert bill, be- 
 fore taking your seat, as, if you leave it, in order to ob- 
 tain them, you may find some one else occupying your 
 place when you return, and when the seats are not se- 
 cured, he may refuse to rise, thus giving you the alterna- 
 tive of an altercation, or leaving your companion without 
 any protector. Or, you may find a lady in your seat, 
 in which case, you have no alternative, but must accept 
 the penalty of your carelessness, by standing all the 
 evening. 
 
 In a crowd, do not push forward, unheeding whom 
 you hurt or inconvenience, but try to protect your com- 
 panion, as far as possible, and be content to take your 
 turn. 
 
 If your seats are secured, call for your companion in 
 time to be seated some three or four minutes before the 
 performance commences, but if you are visiting a 
 hall where you cannot engage seats, it is best to go 
 early. 
 
 If you are alone and see ladies present with whom 
 you are acquainted, you may, with perfect propriety, go 
 and chat with them between the acts, but when with a 
 lady, never leave her to speak to another lady. 
 
 At an exhibition of* pictures or statuary, you may 
 converse, but let it be in a quiet, gentlemanly tone, and 
 without gesture or loud laughter. If you stand long 
 before one picture or statue, see that you are not inter* 
 fcring with others who may wish to see the same work 
 of art. If you are engaged in conversation, and wish 
 to rest, do not take a position that will pre\cnt 
 
ETIQUETTE FOR PLACES OF AMUSEMENT. 297 
 
 from seeing any of the paintings, but sit down, or stand 
 near the centre of the room. 
 
 Never, unless urgently solicited, attach yourself to 
 any party at a place of amusement, even if some of 
 the members of it are your own relatives or intimate 
 friend*. 
 
298 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OE ETIQUETTE. 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 MISCELLANEOUS. 
 
 WHEN you are walking with a lady who has your arm, 
 be careful to keep step with her, and do not force her to 
 take long, unladylike steps, or trot beside you with two 
 steps to one of yours, by keeping your usual manly 
 stride. 
 
 Never allow a lady, with whom you are walking, to 
 carry a bundle, shawl, or bag, unless both your hands 
 are already occupied in her service. 
 
 When you attend a wedding or bridal reception, it is 
 the bridegroom whom you are to congratulate, offering 
 to the bride your wishes for her future happiness, but 
 not congratulation. If you you are acquainted with the 
 bridegroom, but not with the bride, speak to him first, 
 and he will introduce you to his bride, but in any other 
 case, you must speak first to the bride, then to the bride- 
 groom, then the bridesmaids, if you have any previous 
 acquaintance with them, then to the parents and family 
 of the bride, and after all this you are at liberty to seek 
 your other friends among the guests. If you are per- 
 sonally a stranger to the newly narried couple, but have 
 received a card from being a friend of one of the families 
 
MISCELLANEOUS. 299 
 
 or from any other reason, it is the first groomsman's 
 place to introduce you, and you should give him your 
 card, or mention your name, before he leads you to tho 
 bride., 
 
 Alwnys remove a chair or stool that stands in the way 
 of a lady passing, even though she is an entire stranger 
 tc you. 
 
 You may hand a chair to a strange lady, in a hotel, 
 or upon a boat; you may hand her water, if you seo 
 her rise to obtain it, and at a hotel table you may pass 
 her the dishes near you, with perfect propriety. 
 
 In this country where every other man uses tobacco, 
 it may not be amiss to say a few words on smoking. 
 
 Dr. Prout says, "Tobacco is confessedly one of the 
 most virulent poisons in nature. Yet such is the fasci- 
 nating influence of this noxious weed, that mankind re- 
 sort to it in every form they can devise, to ensure its 
 stupifying and pernicious agency. Tobacco disorders 
 the assimilating functions in general, but particularly, as 
 I believe, the assimilation of the saccharine principle. 
 I have never, indeed, been able to trace the development 
 of oxalic acid to the use of tobacco; but that some an- 
 alogous, and equally poisonous principle (probably of 
 an acid nature), is generated in certain individuals by 
 its abuse, is evident from their cachetic looks, and from 
 the dark, and often greenish yellow tint of the blood. 
 ^The severe and peculiar dyspeptic symptoms sometimes 
 produced by inveterate snuff-taking are well known; and 
 I have more than once seen such cases terminate fatally 
 with malignant disease of the stomach and liver. Great 
 smokers, ilso, especially those who employ short pipea 
 
300 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 and cigars, are said to be liable to cancerous affccrions 
 of the lips." 
 
 Yet, in spite of such warnings met with every day, 
 Young America, Middle-aged America, and Old America 
 TV ill continue to use the poison, arid many even use it in 
 excess. An English writer gives some very good rules 
 for the times and places where smoking may be allowed, 
 which I quote for the use of smokers on this side of the 
 water. 
 
 He says : 
 
 "But what shall I say of the fragrant weed which 
 Raleigh taught our gallants to puff in capacious bowls ; 
 which a royal pedant denounced in a famous ' Counter- 
 blast;' which his flattering laureate, Ben Jonson, ridiculed 
 to please his master; which our wives and sisters protest 
 gives rise to the dirtiest and most unsociable habit a man 
 can indulge in ; of which some fair favorers declare that 
 they love the smell, and others that they will never 
 marry an indulger (which, by the way, they generally 
 end in doing); which has won a fame over more space 
 and among better men than Noah's grape has ever done ; 
 which doctors still dispute about, and boys still get sick 
 over; but which is the solace of the weary laborer; the 
 fcupport of the ill-fed; the refresher of over-wrought 
 brains; the soother of angry fancies, the boast of tho 
 exquisite; the excuse of the idle; the companion of tho 
 philosopher ; and the tenth muse of the poet. I will go 
 neither into the medical nor the moral question about the 
 dreamy, calming cloud. I will content myself so far 
 with saying what may be said for everything that can 
 bless and curse mankind, that, in moderation, it is at 
 
MISCELLANEOUS. 301 
 
 least harmless; but "what is moderate and what is not, 
 must be determined in each individual case, according 
 to the habits and constitution of the subject. If it cures 
 asthma, it may destroy digestion ; if it soothes the nerves, 
 it may, in excess, produce a chronic irritability. 
 
 "But I will regard it in a social point of view; and, 
 first, as a narcotic, notice its effects on the individual 
 character. I believe, then, that in moderation it dimin- 
 ishes the violence of the passions, and, particularly, that 
 of the temper. Interested in the subject, I have taken 
 care to seek instances of members of the same family 
 having the same violent tempers by inheritance, of whom 
 the one has been calmed down by smoking, and the 
 other gone on in his passionate course. I believe that it 
 induces a habit of calm reflectiveness, which causes us to 
 take less prejudiced, perhaps less zealous views of life, 
 and to be, therefore, less irritable in our converse with 
 our fellow creatures. I am inclined to think that tho 
 clergy, the squirearchy, and the peasantry are the most 
 prejudiced and most violent classes in this country ; there 
 may be other reasons for this, but it is noteworthy that 
 these are the classes which smoke least. On the other 
 hand, I confess that it induces a certain lassitude, and a 
 lounging, easy mode of life, which are fatal both to the 
 precision of manners and the vivacity of conversation. 
 The niirid of a smoker is contemplative rather than 
 active; and if the weed cures our irritability, it kills our 
 wit. I believe that it is a fallacy to suppose that it en- 
 courages drinking. There is more drinking and less 
 smoking in England than in any other country of tho 
 civilized world. There was more drinking among tho 
 
302 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 gentry of last century, who never smoked at all. Smoke 
 and wine do not go well together. Coffee or beer are 
 its best accompaniments, and the one cannot intoxicate, 
 the other must be largely imbibed to do so. I have ob- 
 served among young bachelors that very little wine is 
 drunk in their chambers, and that beer is gradually 
 taking its place. The cigar, too, is an excuse for rising 
 from the dinner-table where there are no ladies to go to. 
 u lii another point of view, I am inclined to think 
 that smoking has conduced to make the society of men, 
 when alone, less riotous, less quarrelsome, and even less 
 vicious than it was. Where young men now blow a 
 common cloud, they were formerly driven to a fearful 
 consumption of wine, arid this in their heads, they were 
 ready and roused to any iniquity. * But the pipe is the 
 bachelor's wife. With it he can endure solitude longer, 
 and is not forced into low society in order to shun it. 
 With it, too, the idle can pass many an hour, which 
 otherwise he would have given, not to work, but to ex- 
 travagant devilries. With it he is no longer restless 
 and impatient for excitement of any kind. We never 
 hear now of young blades issuing in bands from their 
 wine to beat the watch or disturb the slumbering citizens, 
 as we did thirty or forty years ago, when smoking was 
 Btill a rarity; they are all puffing harmlessly in their 
 chambers now. But, on the other hand, I foresee with 
 dread a too tender allegiance to the pipe, to the destruc- 
 tion of good society, and the abandonment of the ladies. 
 No wonder they hate it, dear creatures; the pipe is the 
 worst rival a woman can have, and it is one whose eyes 
 she cannot scratch out; who improves with age, while 
 
MISCELLANEOUS. 3(M 
 
 she lierself declines; who has an art which no woman 
 possesses, that of never wearying he: devotee ; who : ia 
 silent, yet a companion ; costs little, yet gives much 
 pleasure ; who, lastly, never upbraids, and always yields 
 the sarno joy. Ah! this is a powerful rival to wife or 
 maid, and no wonder that at last the woman succcmbs, 
 consents, and, rather than lose her lord or master, even 
 Supplies the hated herb with her own fair hands. 
 
 " There are rules to limit this indulgence. One must 
 never smoke, nor even ask to smoke, in the company of 
 the fair. If they know that in a few minutes you will 
 be running off to your cigar, the fair will do well say 
 it is in a garden, or so to allow you to bring it out and 
 smoke it there. One must never smoke, again, in the 
 streets; that is, in daylight. The deadly crime may be 
 committed, like burglary, after dark, but not before. 
 One must never smoke in a room inhabited at times by 
 the ladies ; thus, a well-bred man who has a wife or sis- 
 ters, will not offer to smoke in the dining-room after 
 dinner. One must never smoke in a public place, where 
 ladies are or might be, for instance, a flower-show or 
 promenade. One may smoke in a railway-carriage in 
 spite of by-laws, if one has first obtained the consent of 
 every one present ; but if there be a lady there, though 
 she give her consent, smoke not. In nine cases out of 
 ten, she will give it from good nature. One must never 
 Bmoke in a close carriage; one may ask and obtain leavo 
 to smoke when returning from a pic-nic or expedition in 
 an open carriage. One must never smoke in a theatre, 
 on a ra-ce-course, nor in church. This last is not, per- 
 baps, a needless caution. In the Belgian churches yon 
 
304 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 Bee a placard announcing, c lci on ne mache pas du 
 tabac.' One must never smoke when anybody shows an 
 objection to it. One must never smoke a pipe in the 
 streets; one must never smoke at all in the coffee-room 
 of a hotel. One must never smoke, without consent, in 
 the presence of a clergyman, and one must never offer a 
 cigar to any ecclesiastic. 
 
 "But if you smoke, or if you are in the company of 
 smokers, and are to wear your clothes in the presence of 
 ladies afterwards, you must change them to smoke in. 
 A host who asks you to smoke, will generally offer you 
 an old coat for the purpose. You must also, after 
 smoking, rinse the mouth well out, and, if possible, brush 
 the teeth. You should never smoke in another person's 
 house without leave, and you should not ask leave to 
 do so if there are ladies in the house. When you are 
 going to smoke a cigar you should offer one at the same 
 time to anybody present, if not a clergyman or a very 
 old man. You should always smoke a cigar given to 
 you, whether good or bad, and never make any remarks 
 on its quality. 
 
 <k Smoking reminds me of spitting, but as this is at all 
 times a disgusting habit, I need say nothing more than 
 -never indulge in it. Besides being coarse and atro- 
 cious, it is very bad for the health." 
 
 Chesterfield warns his son against faults in good 
 breeding in the following words, and these warnings will 
 be equally applicable to the student of etiquette in the 
 present day. He says: 
 
 " Of the lesser talents, good breeding is the principal 
 and, most necessary one, not only as it is very important 
 
MISCELLANEOUS. 30$ 
 
 in itself, "but as it adds great lustre to the \iore solid ad- 
 vantages both of the heart and the mind. I have often 
 touched upon good breeding to you before; so that this 
 letter shall be upon the next necessary qualification to it, 
 which is a genteel and easy manner and carriage, "wholly 
 free from those odd tricks, ill-habits, and awkwardnesses, 
 which even many very worthy and sensible people have 
 in their behaviour. However trifling a genteel manner 
 may sound, it is of very great consequence towards 
 pleusing in private life, especially the women, which ono 
 time or other, you will think worth pleasing; and I have 
 known many a man from his awkwardness, give people 
 such a dislike of him at first, that all his merit could not 
 get the better of it afterwards. Whereas a genteel 
 manner prepossesses people in your favor, bends them 
 towards you, and makes them wish to be like you. 
 Awkwardness can proceed but from two causes; either 
 from not having kept good company, or from not having 
 attended to it. In good company do you take care to 
 o"bserve their ways and manners, and to form your own 
 upon them. Attention is absolutely necessary for this, 
 as, indeed, it is for everything else; and a man without 
 attention is not fit to live in the world. When an awk- 
 ward fellow first comes into a room, it is highly probable 
 that he goes and places himself in the very place of the 
 whole room where he should not; there he soon lets his 
 hat fall down, and, in taking it up again, throws down 
 his cane; in recovering his cane, his hat falls a second 
 time, so that he is quarter of an hour before he is in 
 order again. If he drinks tea or coffee, he certainly 
 scalds his mouth, and lets either the cup or saucor fall, 
 20 
 
SCO GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 .pills either the tea or coffee. At dinner his awk- 
 wardness distinguishes itself particularly, as he has more 
 to do ; there he holds his knife, fork, arid spoon differ- 
 ently from other people, eats with his knife, to the great 
 danger of his mouth, picks his teeth with his fork, arid 
 puts his spoon, which has been in his throat twenty 
 times, into the dishes again. If he is to carve, he can 
 never hit the joint: but, in his vain efforts to cut through 
 the bone, scatters the sauce in everybody's face. Ho 
 generally daubs himself with soup and grease, though 
 his napkin is commonly stuck through a button-hole, and 
 tickled his chin. When he drinks, he infalliably coughs 
 in his glass, and besprinkles the company. Besides all 
 this, he has strange tricks and gestures; such as snuffing 
 up his nose, making faces, putting his finger in his nose, 
 or blowing it and looking afterwards in his handkerchief 
 BO as to make the company sick. His hands are trouble- 
 some to him, when he has not something in them, and he 
 does not know where to put them ; but they are in per- 
 petual motion between his bosom and his breeches; he 
 docs not wear his clothes, and, in short, he does nothing 
 like other people. All this, I own, is not in any degree 
 criminal ; but it is highly disagreeable and ridiculous in 
 company^ and ought most carefully to be avoided, by 
 whoever desires to please. 
 
 "From this account of what you should not do, you 
 may easily judge what you should do; and a due atten- 
 tion to the manners of people of fashion, and who have 
 Been the world, will make it habitual and familiar to 
 you. 
 
 " There is, likewise, an awkwardness of expression and 
 
MISCELLANEOUS. 307 
 
 words, most carefully to be^ avoided; sucli as false En- 
 glish, bad pronunciation, old sayings, and common pro- 
 verbs-; which are so many proofs of having kept bad 
 and low company. For example, if, instead of saying 
 that tastes arc different, and that every man has his own 
 peculiar one, you should let off a proverb, and say, That 
 what is one man's meat is another man's poison ; or else, 
 Evciy one as they like, as the good man said when he 
 kissed Lia cow; everybody would be persuaded that you 
 Lad never kept company with anybody above footmen 
 and housemaids. 
 
 "Attention will do all this, and without attention no- 
 thing is to be done ; want of attention, which is really want 
 of thought, is either folly or madness. You should not 
 only have attention to everything, but a quickness of 
 attention, so as to observe, at once, all the people in the 
 room, their motions, their looks, and their words, and 
 yet without staring at them, and seeming to be an ob- 
 server. This quick and unobserved observation is of in- 
 finite advantage in life, and is to be acquired with care; 
 and, on the contrary, what is called absence, which is 
 thoughtlessness, and want of attention about what is 
 doing, makes a man so like either a fool or a madman, 
 that, for my part, I see no real difference. A fool never 
 has thought; a madman has lost it; and an absent man 
 is, for the time, without it. 
 
 "1 would warn you against those disagreeable tricka 
 and awkwardnesses, which many people contract \vhen 
 they are young, by the negligence of their parents, and 
 cannot get Quit of them when they are old; such as odd 
 motions, strange postures, and ungentcel carrriage. 
 
808 GENTLEMEN'S LOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 But there is likewise an awkwardness of the mind, that 
 ought to be, and with care may be, avoided ; as, for in- 
 stance, to mistake names; to speak of Mr. What-d'ye- 
 call-him, or Mrs. Thingum, or How-d'ye-call-her, is ex- 
 cessively awkward and ordinary. To call people by im- 
 proper titles and appellations is so too. To begin a 
 Btory or narration when you are not perfect in it, anil 
 cannot go through with it, but are forced, possibly, to 
 say, in the middle of it, ' I have forgotten the rest,' is 
 very unpleasant and bungling. One must be extremely 
 exact, clear, and perspicuous, in everything one says, 
 otherwise, instead of entertaining, or informing others, 
 one only tires and puzzles them. The voice and manner 
 of speaking, too, are not to be neglected ; some people 
 almost shut their mouths when they speak, and mutter 
 so, that they are not to be understood ; others speak so 
 fast, and sputter, that they are not to be understood 
 neither; some always speak as loud as if they were 
 talking to deaf people; and others so low that one can- 
 not hear them. All these habits are awkward and dis- 
 agreeable, and are to be avoided by attention ; they arc 
 the distinguishing marks of the ordinary people, who 
 have had no care taken of their education. You cannot 
 imagine how necessary it is to mind all these littlo 
 things ; for I have seen many people with great talents 
 ill-received, for want of having these talents, too; and 
 others well received, only from their little talents, and 
 \vho have had no great ones." 
 
 Nothing is in worse taste in society than to repeat the 
 witticisms or remarks of another person as if they wero 
 your own. If you are discovered in the larceny of au 
 
MISCELLANEOUS. 309 
 
 other's ideas, you may originate a thousand brilliant 
 ones afterwards, but you win not gain the credit of cne. 
 If you quote your friend's remarks", .give them as quoti** 
 tions. 
 
 Be cautious in the use of your tongue. Wise men 
 eay, that a man may repent when he lias spoken, but he 
 vill not repent if he keeps silence. 
 
 If you wish to retain a good position in society, be 
 careful to return all the visits "which are paid to you, 
 promptly, and do not neglect your calls upon ladies, in- 
 valids, and men older than yourself. 
 
 Visiting cards should be small, perfectly plain, with 
 your name, and, if you will, your address engraved upon 
 it. A handsomely written card is the most elegant one 
 for a gentleman, after that comes the engraved one ; a 
 printed one is very seldom used, and is not at all elegant. 
 Have no fanciful devices, ornamented edges, or flourishes 
 upon your visiting cards-, and never put your profession 
 or business upon any but business cards, unless it is as a 
 prefix or title : as, Dr., Capt., Col., or Gen., in case you 
 are in the army or navy, put U. S. N., or II. S. A. after 
 your name, but if you are only in the militia, avoid the 
 vulgarity of using your title, excepting when you are 
 with your company or on a parade. Tinted cards may 
 be used, but plain white ones are much more elegant, 
 Jf you leave a card at a hotel or boarding house, write 
 the name of the person for whom it is intended above, 
 your own, on the card. 
 
 In directing a letter, put first the name of the person 
 for whom it is intended, then the name of the city, then 
 that of the state in which he resides. If you send it to 
 
S10 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OP ETIQUETTE. 
 
 the care of another person, or to a boarding house, or 
 hotel, you can put that name either after the nime of 
 your correspondent, or in the left hand corner of the 
 letter thus: 
 
 MR. J. S. JONES, 
 
 Care of Mr. T. C. Jones, 
 
 Boston, 
 
 Mass, 
 or, 
 
 MR. J. S. JONES, 
 
 Boston, 
 Revere House. Mass. 
 
 If your friend is in the army or navy, put his title be- 
 fore his station after his name, thus: 
 
 CAPT. L. LEWIS, U. S. A., 
 
 or > 
 LIEUTENANT T. ROBERTS, U. S. N. 
 
 If you send your letter by a private hand, put the 
 name of the bearer in the lower left hand corner of the 
 envelope, but put the name only. " Politeness of," OP 
 "Kindness of," are obsolete, and not used now at all. 
 Write the direction thus: 
 
 J. L. HOLMES, ESQ., 
 
 Revere House, 
 
 Boston, 
 C. L. Cutts, Esq. Mass. 
 
MISCELLANEOUS. 311 
 
 Tliis \iill let ycur friend, Mr. Holmes, know that Mr. 
 Cutts is in Boston, which is the object to be gained by 
 putting the name of the bearer on a letter, sent by a 
 private hand. 
 
 GUAIID AGAINST VULGAR LANGUAGE. TllCIO IS as 
 
 much connection between the words and the though ta as 
 there is between the thoughts and the words; the latlcr 
 are not only the expression of the former, but they havo 
 a power to re-act upon the soul and leave the stains of 
 their corruption there. A young man who allows him- 
 self to use one profane or vulgar word, has not only 
 shown that there is a foul spot on his mind, but by the 
 utterance of that word he extends that spot and inflames 
 it, till, by indulgence, it will soon pollute and ruin the 
 whole soul. Be careful of your words as well as your 
 thoughts. If you can control the tongue, that no im- 
 proper words are pronounced by it, you will soon be able 
 to control the mind and save it from corruption. You 
 extinguish the fire by smothering it, or by preventing 
 bad thoughts bursting out in language. Never utter a 
 word anywhere, which you would be ashamed to speak 
 in the presence of the most religious man. Try this 
 practice a little, and you will soon have command of 
 yourself. 
 
 Do not be known as an egotist. No man is more 
 dreaded in society, or accounted a greater "bore" than 
 he whose every other word is "I," "me," or u my." 
 Show an interest in all that others say of themselves, 
 but speak but little of your own affairs. 
 
 It is quite as bad to be a mere relater of scandal or 
 the affairs of your neighbors. A female gcssip is de 
 
312 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OP ETIQUETTE. 
 
 testable, but a male gossip is not only detestable but ut 
 terly despicable. 
 
 A celebrated English lawyer gives the following di- 
 rections for young men entering into business. lie 
 Bays : 
 
 "SELECT THE KIND OF BUSINESS THAT SUITS TOUR 
 
 NATURAL INCLINATIONS AND TEMPERAMENT. Some men 
 
 arc naturally mechanics; others have a strong aversion 
 to anything like machinery, and so on; one man has a 
 natural taste for one occupation in life, and another for 
 another. 
 
 " I never could succeed as a merchant. I have tried 
 it, .unsuccessfully, several times. I never could be con- 
 tent with a fixed salery, for mine is a purely speculative 
 disposition, while others are just the reverse; and there- 
 fore all should be careful to select those occupations that 
 suit them best. 
 
 " LET YOUR PLEDGED WORD EVER BE SACRED. Never 
 
 promise to do a thing without performing it with the 
 most rigid promptness. Nothing is more valuable to a 
 man in business than the name of always doing as he 
 agrees, and that to the moment. A strict adherence to 
 this rule gives a man the command of half the spare 
 funds within the range of his acquaintance, and encircles 
 him with a host of friends, who may be depended upon 
 in any emergency. 
 
 "WHATEVER YOU DO, DO WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT. 
 Work at it, if necessary, early and late, in season and 
 out of season, not leaving a stone unturned, and never 
 deferring for a single hour that which can just as well 
 be done now. The old proverb is full of truth and 
 
MISCELLANEOUS 318 
 
 meaning " Whatever is worth doing at all, is worth 
 doing well." Many a man acquires a fortune by doing 
 his business thoroughly, while his neighbor remains poor 
 for life, because he only half does his business. Ambi- 
 tion, energy, industry, and perseverance, are indispensa- 
 ble requisites for success in business. 
 
 " SOBRIETY. USE NO DESCRIPTION OF INTOXICATING 
 IIKINKS. As no man can succeed in business unless he 
 has a brain to enable him to lay his plans, and reason to 
 guide him in their execution, so, no matter how bounti- 
 fully a man may be blessed with intelligence, if his brain 
 is muddled, and his judgment warped by intoxicating 
 drinks, it is impossible for him to carry on business suc- 
 cessfully. How many good opportunities have passed 
 never to return, while a man was sipping a 'social glass* 
 with a friend ! How many a foolish bargain has been 
 made under the influence of the wine-cup, which tem- 
 porarily makes his victim so rich! How many important 
 chances have been put off until to-morrow, and thence 
 for ever, because indulgence has thrown the system int& 
 a state of lassitude, neutralizing the energies so essential 
 to success in business. The use of intoxicating drinks 
 as a beverage is as much an infatuation as is the smoking 
 of opium by the Chinese, and the former is quite as 
 destructive to the success of the business man as tho 
 latter. 
 
 "LET HOPE PREDOMINATE, BUT BE NOT TOO VISIONARY. 
 Many persons are always kept poor because they aro 
 too visionary. Every project looks to them like certain 
 success, and, therefore, they keep changing from one 
 business to another, always in hot water, and always 
 
814 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 'under the harrow.' The plan of ' counting the chick eno 
 before they are hatched,' is an error of ancient date, bul 
 it does not seem to improve by age. 
 
 "Do NOT SCATTER YOUR POWERS. Engage in one 
 kind of business only, and stick to it faithfully until you 
 eucoeed, or until you conclude to abandon it. A cci> 
 Btant hammering on one nail will generally drive it Lome 
 at last, so that it can be clinched. When a, man's urnl'i- 
 vided attention is centered on one object, his mind will 
 continually be suggesting improvements of value, which 
 would escape him if his brain were occupied by a dozen 
 different subjects at once. Many a fortune has slipped 
 through men's fingers by engaging in too many occupa- 
 tions at once. 
 
 " ENGAGE PROPER EMPLOYEES. Never employ a man 
 of bad habits when one whose habits are good can be 
 found to fill his situation. I have generally been ex- 
 tremely fortunate in having faithful and competent per- 
 sons to fill the responsible situations in my business ; and 
 a man can scarcely be too grateful for such a blessing. 
 When you find a man unfit to fill his station, either from 
 incapacity or peculiarity of character or disposition, dis- 
 pense with his services, and do not drag out a miserable 
 existence in the vain attempt to change his nature. It 
 is utterly impossible to do so, 'You cannot make a silk 
 purse,' &c. He has been created for some other splic re ; 
 let him find and fill it." 
 
 If you wish to succeed in society, and be known ds a 
 man who converses well, you must cultivate your memory. 
 Do not smile and tell me that this is a gift, not an ac- 
 quirement. It is true that some people have naturally a 
 
MISCELLANEOUS. 3ld 
 
 more retentive memory than others, but those naturally 
 most deficient may strengthen their powers by cultiva- 
 tion. 
 
 Cultivate, therfore, this glorious faculty, by stoiing 
 and exercising it with trains of imagery. Accustom 
 yourselves to look at any natural object, and then con- 
 sider how many facts and thoughts may be associated 
 with it how much of poetic imagery and refined com- 
 binations. Follow out this idea, and you will find that 
 imagination, which is too often in youth permitted to 
 build up castles in the air, tenantless as they are unpro- 
 fitable, will become, if duly exercised, a source of much 
 enjoyment. I was led into this train of thought while 
 walking in a beautiful country, and seeing before me a 
 glorious rainbow, over-arching the valley which lay in 
 front. And not more quickly than its appearance, came 
 to my remembrance an admirable passage in the "Art 
 of Poetic Painting," wherein the author suggests the 
 great mental advantage of exercising the mind on all 
 subjects, by considering 
 
 " What use can be made of them ? 
 What remarks they will illustrate ? 
 What representations they will serve ? 
 What comparison they will furnish?" 
 
 And while thus thinking, I remembered that the in- 
 genious author has instanced the rainbow as affording a 
 variety of illustrations, and capable, in the imagery 
 which it suggests, of numerous combinations. Thus : 
 
 THE HUES OF THE RAINBOW 
 
 Tinted the green and flowery banks of the stream ; 
 Tinged the white blossoms of the apple orchards ; 
 
816 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTR. 
 
 Shed a beauteous radiance on the grass ; 
 Veiled the waning moon and the evening star; 
 Over-arched the inist of the waterfall ; 
 Reminded the looker-on of peace opposed to turbulence 
 And illustrated the moral that even the most beautiful 
 of earth must pass away. 
 
 Every book you read, every natural object -which meets 
 your view, may be the exemse of memory, be made to 
 furnish food both for reflection and conversation, enjoy- 
 ment for your own solitary hours, and the means of 
 making you popular in society. Believe me, the man 
 who "saw it, to be sure, but really forgot what it 
 looked like," who is met every day in society, will not 
 be sought after as will the man, who, bringing memory 
 and fancy happily blended to bear upon what he sees, 
 can make every object worthy of remark familiar and 
 interesting to those who have not seen it. 
 
 If you have leisure moments, and what man has not? 
 do not consider them as spare atoms of time to be wasted, 
 idled away in profitless lounging. Always have a book 
 within your reach, which you may catch up at your odd 
 minutes. Resolve to edge in a little reading every day, 
 tf it is but a single sentence. If you can give fifteen 
 minutes a day, it will be felt at the end of the year. 
 li oughts take up no room. When they are right they 
 aflbrd a portable pleasure, which one may travel or labor 
 tvith without any trouble or incumbrance. 
 
 In your intercourse with other men, let every word 
 that falls from your lips, bear the stamp cf perfect 
 truth. No reputation can be more enviable than thnt 
 
MISCELLANEOUS. 311 
 
 of being known as a man who no consideration could 
 force to soil his soul with a lie. 
 
 " Truth is naturally so acceptable to man, so charming 
 in herself, that to make falsehood be received, we aro 
 compelled to dress it up in the snow-white robes of 
 Truth; as in passing base coin, it must have the impress 
 of the good ere it will pass current. Deception, hypo- 
 crisy, and dissimulation, are, when practised, direct com- 
 pliments to the power of Truth; and the common custom 
 of passing off Truth's counterfeit for herself, is strong 
 testimony in behalf of her intrinsic beauty and excel- 
 lence." 
 
 Next to being a man of talent, a well-read man is the 
 most agreeable in society, and no investment of money 
 or time is so profitable as that spent in good, useful 
 books, and reading. A good book is a lasting companion. 
 Truths, which it has taken years to glean, are therein at 
 once freely but carefully communicated. We enjoy 
 communion with the mind, though not with the person 
 of the writer. Thus the humblest man may surround 
 himself by the wisest and best spirits of past and present 
 ages. No one can be solitary who possesses a book ; he 
 owns a friend that will instruct him in moments of leisure 
 or of necessity. It is only necessary to turn open the 
 leaves, and the fountain at once gives forth its streams. 
 You may seek costly furniture for your homes, fanciful 
 ornaments for your mantel-pieces, and rich carpets for 
 your floors; but, after the absolute necessaries for a 
 home, give me books as at once the cheapest, and cer- 
 tainly the most useful and abiding embellishments. 
 A true gentleman will not only refrain from ridiculing 
 
318 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTK. 
 
 the follies, ignorance, or infirmities of others, but he wil. 
 not even allow himself to smile at them. He will treat 
 the rudest clown with the same easy courtesy which ho 
 would extend to the most polished gentleman, and will 
 never bj word, look, or gesture show that he notices the 
 faults, or vulgarity of another. Personal deformity is a 
 cross sent by God, and none but a depraved, wicked, and 
 Lrutal man could ridicule, or even greet with a passing 
 smile the unfortunate thus stamped. Even a word or 
 look of pity will wound the sensitive, but frank, gentle 
 courtesy, the regard paid by a feeling man to the com- 
 fort of a cripple, or that easy gnce which, while it shows 
 no sign of seeing the deformity, shove more deference 
 to the afflicted one than to the more fortunate, are all 
 duly appreciated and acknowledged, arid win for tho 
 rnan who extends them the respect and love of all with 
 whom he comes in contact. 
 
 Remember that true wit never descends to personali- 
 ties. When you hear a man trying to be "funny" at 
 the expense of his friends, or even his enemies, you may 
 feel sure that his humor is forced, and while it sinks to 
 ill-nature, cannot rise to the level of true wit. 
 
 Never try to make yourself out to be a very important 
 person. If you are so really, your friends will soon find 
 it out, if not, they will not give you credit for being so, 
 because you try to force your fancied importance upon 
 tLom. A pompous fool, though often seen, is not much 
 loved nor reopected, and you may remember that tho 
 frog who tried to make himself as big as an ox, died in 
 the attempt. 
 
 A severe wit once said, "If you do not wish to be tna 
 
MISCELLANEOUS. 
 
 mark for slanderous tongues, be the first to enter a 
 und the last to leave it." 
 
 If you are ever tempted to speak against a woman., 
 think first " Suppose she were my sister !" You can 
 never gain "anything by bringing your voice against a 
 woman, even though she may deserve contempt, and 
 ycur forbearance may shame others into a similar silence. 
 It i; 1 ) a cowardly tongue that will take a woman's namo 
 upon it to injure her ; though many men do this, who 
 would fear, absolutely be afraid, to speak against a 
 man, or that same woman, had she a manly arm to pro- 
 tect her. 
 
 I again quote from the celebrated Lord Chesterfield, 
 who says : 
 
 " It is good-breeding alone that can prepossess people 
 in your favour at first sight, more time being necessary 
 to discover greater talents. This good-breeding, you 
 know, does not consist in low bows and formal ceremony ; 
 but in an easy, civil, and respectful behaviour. You 
 will take care, therefore, to answer with complaisance, 
 when you are spoken to ; to place yourself at the lower 
 end of the table, unless bid to go higher ; to drink first 
 to the lady of the house, and next to the master ; not to 
 eat awkwardly or dirtily ; not to sit when others stand ; 
 and to do all this with an air of complaisance, and not 
 \uth a grave, sour look, as if you did it all unwillingly. 
 I do not mean a silly, insipid smile, that fools have when 
 they would be civil ; but an air of sensible good-humor 
 I hardly know anything so difficult to attain, or so ne- 
 cessary to possess, as perfect good-breeding ; which is 
 equally inconsistent with a still formality, and imperti- 
 
820 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OB ETIQUETTE. 
 
 nent forwardness, and an awkward bash fulness. A little 
 ceremony is often necessary ; a certain degree of firmne&a 
 is absolutely so ; and an outward modesty is extremely 
 becoming; the knowledge of the world, and your own 
 observations, must, and alone can tell you the proper 
 q lantities of each. 
 
 "I mentioned the general rules of common civilitj", 
 which, whoever does not observe, will pass for a bear, and 
 be as unwelcome as one, in company ; there is hardly 
 any body brutal enough not to answer when they are 
 spoken to. But it is not enough not to be rude; you 
 should be extremely civil, and distinguished for your 
 good breeding. The first principle of this good breeding 
 is never to say anything that you think can be disagree 
 able to any body in company; but, on the contrary, you 
 should endeavor to say what will be agreeable to them : 
 and that in an easy and natural manner, without seeming 
 to study for compliments. There is likewise such a 
 thing as a civil look, and a rude look ; and you should 
 look civil, as well as be so ; for if ? while you are saying 
 a civil thing, you look gruff and surly, as English 
 bumpkins do, nobody will be obliged to y.ou for a civility 
 that seemed to come so unwillingly. If you have occa- 
 sion to contradict any body, or to set them right from a 
 mistake, it would be very brutal to say, 'That is not so, / 
 knoit better, or You' are out; but you should say with a 
 civil look, I beg your pardon, I believe you mistake, or, 
 If I may take the liberty of contradicting you, I believe 
 it is so and so ; for, though you may know a thing better 
 than other people, yet it is very shocking to tell them so 
 directly, without something to soften it; but remember 
 
MISCELLANEOUS. 321 
 
 particularly, that whatever you say or do, -with ever so 
 civil an intention, a great deal consists in the manner 
 and the look, which must be genteel, easy, and natural, 
 and is easier to be felt than described. 
 
 "Civility is particularly due to all women: and re- 
 member, that no provocation whatsoever can justify any 
 man in not being ch il to every woman ; and the greatest 
 man would justly be reckoned a brute, if he were not civil 
 to the meanest woman'. It is due to their sex, and is 
 the only protection they have against the superior 
 strength of ours; nay, even a little flattery is allowable 
 with women ; and a man may, without meanness, tell a 
 woman that she is either handsomer or wiser than she is. 
 Observe the French people, and mind how easily and 
 naturally civil their address is, and how agreeably they 
 insinuate little civilities in their conversation. They 
 think it so essential, that they call an honest man and a 
 civil man by the same name, of honnete Jiomme; and tho 
 Romans called civility liumanitas, as thinking it insep- 
 arable from humanity. You cannot begin too early to 
 take that turn, in order to make it natural and habitual 
 to you.'* 
 
 Again, speaking of the inconveniency of bashfulncss, 
 ho says: 
 
 " As for the mauvaise honte, I hope you are above it. 
 Your figure is like other people's ; I suppose you will 
 care that your drcso shall be so too, and to avoid any 
 singularity. What then should you be ashamed of? and 
 why net go into a mixed company, with as much easo 
 and aa little concern, as yuu would go into your own 
 oom? Vice and ignorance are the only things I know, 
 21 
 
322 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 whi;h one ought to be ashamed of; keep but clear of 
 them, and you may go anywhere without fear or concern. 
 I iuive known some people, who, from feeling the pain 
 and inconveniences of this mauvaise honte. have rushed 
 into the other extreme, and turned impudent, a3 
 cowards sometimes grow desperate from the excess of 
 danger; but this too is carefully to be avoided, there 
 being nothing more generally shocking than impudence. 
 The medium between these two extremes marks out tho 
 well-bred man; he feels himself firm and easy in all 
 companies ; is modest without being bashful, and steady 
 without being impudent ; if he is a stranger, he observes, 
 with care, the manners and ways of the people most es- 
 teemed at that place, and conforms to them with com- 
 plaisance." 
 
 Flattery is always in bad taste. If you say more in 
 a person's praise than is deserved, you not only say 
 what is false, but you make others doubt the wisdom of 
 your judgment. Open, palpable flattery will be re- 
 garded by those to whom it is addressed as an insult. 
 In your intercourse with ladies, you will find that the 
 delicate compliment of seeking their society, showing 
 your pleasure in it, and choosing for subjects of conversa- 
 tion, other themes than the weather, dress, or the o-pera, 
 frill be more appreciated by women of sense, than the 
 raoro awkward compliment of open words or gestures of 
 admiration. 
 
 Never imitate the eccentricities of other men, even 
 though those men have the highest genius to excuse their 
 oddities. Eccentricity is, at the best, in bad taste ; but 
 &n imitation f it second hand oddity is detestable. 
 
MISCELLANEOUS. 
 
 Never feign abstraction in society. If you hav 
 matters of importance which really occupy your mind, 
 anl prevent you from paying attention to the proper 
 etiquette of society, stay at home till your mind is lcs 
 preoccupied. Chesterfield says: 
 
 "What is commonly called an absent man, is com- 
 monly cither a very weak, or a very affected man ; bu* 
 bo ho which he will, he is, I am sure, a very disagrexabl? 
 man in company. He fails in all the common offices of 
 civility; he seems not to know those people to-day.* 
 whom ye-sterday he appeared to live in intimacy with. 
 He takes no part in the general conversation; but, on 
 the contrary, breaks into it from time to time, with some 
 start of his own, as if he waked from a dream. Thia 
 (as I said before) is a sure indication, either of a mind 
 so weak that it is not able to bear above one object at a 
 time; or so affected, that it would be supposed to be 
 wholly engrossed b'y, and directed to, some very great 
 and important objects. Sir Isaac Newton, Mr. Locke, 
 and (it may be) five or six more, since the creation of 
 the world, may have had a right to absence, from that 
 intense thought which the things they were investigating 
 required. But if a young man, and a man of the world, 
 who has no such avocations to plead, will claim and ex- 
 ercise that right of absence in company, his pretended 
 right should, in my mind, be turned into an involuntary 
 absence, by his perpetual exclusion out of company. 
 However frivolous a company may be, still, while you 
 Arc among them, do not show them, by your inattention, 
 that you think them so; but rather take their tone, and 
 conform, in some degree, to tl eir weakness, instead of 
 
824 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 manifesting your contempt for them. There is nothing 
 that people bear more impatiently, or forgive less, than 
 contempt; and an injury is much sooner forgotten than 
 an insult* If, therefore, you would rather please than 
 offend, rather be well than ill-spoken of, rather be loved 
 than hated; remember to have that constant attention 
 about you, which flatters every man's little vanity; and 
 the want of which, by mortifying his pride, never fails 
 tc excite his resentment, or, at least, his ill will. For 
 instance: most people (I might say all people) have their 
 weaknesses ; they have their aversions and their likings 
 to such or such things; so that, if you were to laugh at 
 a man for his aversion to a cat, or cheese, (which are 
 common antipathies,) or, by inattention and negligence, 
 to let them come in his way, where you could prevent it, 
 he would, in the first case, think himself insulted, and, 
 in the second, slighted, and would remember both. 
 Whereas your care to procure for him what he likes, and 
 to remove from him what he hates, shows him that he is, 
 at least, an object of your attention; flatters his vanity, 
 and makes him, possibly, more your friend than a more 
 important service would have done. With regard to 
 women, attentions still below these are necessary, and, 
 by the custom of the world, in some measure <Iuc, ac* 
 cciding to the laws of good breeding." 
 
 In giving an entertainment to your friends, while you 
 imid extravagant expenditure, it is your duty to place 
 before them the best your purse will permit you to pur- 
 chase, and be sure you have plenty. Abundance with- 
 out superfluity, and good quality without extravagance, 
 are your best rules for an entertainment. 
 
MISCELLAN EOUS. 825 
 
 If, bj the introduction of a friend, by a mistake, or 
 in any other way, your enemy, or a man to whom you 
 have the strongest personal dislike, is under your roof, 
 or at your table, as a guest, hospitality and good bi ceding 
 both require you to treat him with the same frank 
 courtesy which you extend to your other guests; though 
 you need make no violent protestations of friendship, 
 ani are not required to make any advances towards him 
 nfte'r he ceases to be your guest. 
 
 In giving a dinner party, invite only as many guests 
 as you can seat comfortably at your table. If you have 
 two tables, have them precisely alike, or, rest assured, 
 you will offend those friends whom you place at what 
 they judge to be the inferior table. Above all, avoid 
 having little tables placed in the corners of the room, 
 when there is a large table. At some houses in Paris it 
 is a fashion to set the dining room entirely with small 
 tables, which will accommodate comfortably three or 
 four people, and such parties are very merry, very so- 
 ciable and pleasant, if four congenial people are around 
 each table ; but it is a very dull fashion, if you are not 
 sure of the congeniality of each quartette of guests. 
 
 If you lose your fortune or position in society, it is 
 wiser to retire from the world of fashion than tc wait 
 for that world to bow you out. 
 
 If you are poor, but welcome in society on account of 
 your family 01 talents, avoid the error which the young 
 are m^st apt to fall into, that of living beyond your 
 means. 
 
 The advice of Polonius to Laertes is as excellent in 
 the present day, as it was in Shakspeare's time: 
 
826 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTR. 
 
 " Give thy thoughts no tongue, 
 Nor any unproportioned thought his act. 
 Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar. 
 The friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, 
 Grapple them to thy soul with hooks of steel : 
 3>ut do not dull thy palm with entertainments 
 Of each new hatch'd, unfledg'd comrade. Beware 
 Of entrance to a quarrel : but, bein^; in, 
 Bear it that the opposer may beware of thee. 
 Give every man thine ear, but few tty voice; 
 Taka each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment 
 Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy, 
 But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy; 
 For the apparel oft proclaims the man. 
 
 Neither a borrower nor a lender be : 
 For loan oft loses both itself and friend ; 
 And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. 
 This above all, To thine ownself be true ; 
 And it must follow, as the night the day, 
 Thou canst not then be false to any man." 
 
 It is by no means desirable to be always engaged in 
 the serious pursuits of life. Take time for pleasure, and 
 you will find your work progresses faster for some re- 
 creation. Lord Chesterfield says: 
 
 "I do not regret the time that I passed in pleasures; 
 they were seasonable; they were the pleasures of youth, 
 and I enjoyed them while young. If I had not, I should 
 probably have overvalued them now, as we arc very apt to 
 do what we do not know; but knowing them as I do, I 
 know their real value, and how much they are generally 
 overrated. Nor do I regret the time that I have passed 
 
MISCELLANEOUS. 321 
 
 in business, for the same reason ; those -who see only the 
 outside of it, imagine it has hidden charms, which they 
 pant after; and nothing but acquaintance can undeceive 
 them. I, who have been behind the scenes, both of 
 pleasure and business, and have seen all the springs and 
 p allies of those decorations which astonish and dazzle 
 Iho audience, retire, not only without regret, but with 
 contentment and satisfaction. But what I do, ^nd ever 
 shall regret, is the time which, while young, I lost in 
 mere idleness, and in doing nothing. This is the com- 
 mon effect of the inconsideracy of youth, against which 
 I beg you will be most carefully upon your guard. The 
 value of moments, when cast up, is immense, if well em- 
 ployed; if thrown away, their loss is irrecoverable- 
 Every moment may be put to some use, and that with 
 much more pleasure than if unemployed. Do not im- 
 agine that by the employment of time, I mean an unin- 
 terrupted application to serious studies. No ; pleasures 
 are, at proper times, both as necessary and as useful; 
 they fashion and form you for the world; they teach you 
 characters, and show you the human heart in its un- 
 guarded minutes. But then remember to make that use 
 of them. I have known many people, from laziness of 
 mind, go through both pleasure 'and business with cqua'j 
 inattention; neither enjoying the one nor doing the 
 Other; thinking themselves men of pleasure, because 
 they were mingled with those who were, and men of bu- 
 siness, because they had business to do, though they 
 did not do it. Whatever you do, do it to the purpose; 
 do it thoroughly, not superficially. Approfondisscz : 
 go to the bottom of things. Anything half done or 
 
o_S GENTLEMENS BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 half known, is, in my mind, neither done nor 
 at all. Nay worse, it ofien misleads. There is hardly 
 any place Or any company where you may not gain 
 knowledge, if you please; almost every body knows 
 Borne one thing, and is glad to talk upon that one thing. 
 Seek and you will find, in this world as well as in the 
 next. See everything; inquire into everything; anil 
 you may excuse your curiosity, and the questions you 
 ask, which otherwise might be thought impertinent, by 
 your manner of asking them ; for most things depend a 
 great deal upon the manner. As, for example, I am 
 afraid that I am very troublesome with my questions; but 
 nobody can inform me so ivell as you ; or something of 
 that kind." 
 
 The same author, speaking of the evils of pedantry, 
 says : 
 
 "Every excellency, and every virtue has its kindred 
 vice or weakness; and, if carried beyond certain bounds, 
 sinks into one or the other. Generosity often runs inir.. 
 profusion, economy into avarice, courage into rashness, 
 caution into timidity, and so on: insomuch that, I be- 
 lieve, there is more judgment required for the proper 
 conduct of our virtues, than for avoiding their opposite 
 \ices. Vice, in its true light, is so deformed, that it 
 shocks us at first sight, and would hardly ever seduce 
 us, if it did not at first wear the mask of some virtue. 
 But virtue is, in itself, so beautiful, that it charms us at 
 first sight; engages us more and more upon further ac- 
 quaintance; and, as with other beauties, we think excess 
 impossible, it is here that judgment is necessary, to 
 moderate and direct the effects of an excellent cause. I 
 
MISCELLANEOUS. 82V 
 
 shall apply this reasoning, at present, not to any par- 
 ticular virtue, but to an excellency, which, for want of 
 judgment, is often the cause of ridiculous and hlamcahle 
 effects; I mean great learning; which, if not .accom- 
 panied with sound judgment, frequently carries us into 
 error, pride, and pedantry. As, I hope, you will possess 
 that excellency in its utmost extent, and yet without its 
 too common failings, the hints, which my experience can 
 suggest, may probably not be useless to you. 
 
 " Some learned men, proud of their knowledge, only 
 epeak to decide, and give judgment without appeal; the 
 consequence of which is, 'that mankind, provoked by the 
 insult, and injured by the oppression, revolt ; and, in 
 order to shake off the tyranny, even call the lawful au- 
 thority in question. The more you know, the modester 
 you should be; and (by the bye) that modesty is the 
 surest way of gratifying your vanity. Even where you 
 are sure, seem rather doubtful ; represent, but do not 
 pronounce ; and, if you would convince others, seem 
 open to conviction yourself. 
 
 " Others, to show their learning, or often from tho 
 prejudices of a school education, where they hear of no- 
 thing else, are always talking of the ancients, as some- 
 thing more than men, and of the moderns, as something 
 less. They are never without a classic or two in their 
 pockets ; they stick to the old good sense ; they read 
 none of the modern trash ; and will show you plainly 
 that no improvement has been made in any one art of 
 science these last seventeen hundred years. I would, 
 by no means, have you disown your acquaintance with 
 the ancients ; but still less would I have you brag of an 
 
330 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 
 
 exclusive intimacy with them. Speak of the moderns 
 without contempt, and of the ancients without ilolatry, 
 judge them all by their merits, but not by their ages ; 
 and if you happen to have an Elzevir classic in your 
 pocket, neither show it nor mention it. 
 
 44 Some great scholars, most absurdly, draw all their 
 maxims, both for public and private life, from what they 
 call parallel cases in the ancient authors ; without con- 
 sidering that, in the first place, there never were, since 
 the creation of the world, two cases exactly parallel ; 
 and, in the next place, that there never was a case 
 stated, or even known, by any historian, with every one 
 of its circumstances ; which, however, ought to be known 
 in order to be reasoned from. Reason upon the case 
 itself, and the several circumstances that attend it, and 
 act accordingly ; but not from the authority of ancient 
 poets or historians. Take into your consideration, if 
 you please, cases seemingly analogous ; but take them 
 as helps only, not as guides. 
 
 " There is another species of learned men who, though 
 less dogmatical and supercilious, are not less impertinent. 
 These are the communicative and shining pedants, who 
 adorn their conversation, even with women, by happy 
 quotations of Greek and Latin ; and who have contracted 
 Buch a familiarity with the Greek and Roman authors, 
 that they call them by certain names or epithets denoting 
 intimacy. As, old Homer ; that sty rogue Horace', 
 MarOj instead of Virgil ; and Naso, instead of Ovid. 
 These are often imitated by coxcombs who have no 
 learning at all, but who have got some names and some 
 scraps of ancient authors by heart, which they impro- 
 
MISCELLANEOUS. 33l 
 
 perly and impertinently retail in all companies, in hopes 
 of passing for scholars. If, therefore, you would avoid 
 the accusation of pedantry on one hand, or the suspicion 
 of ignorance on the other, abstain from learned ostenta 
 tion. Speak the language of the company that you are 
 in ; speak it purely, and unlarded with any other. 
 Never seem wiser nor more learned than the people you 
 are with. Wear your learning, like your watch, in a 
 private pocket; and do not pull it out and strike it, 
 merely to show that you have one. If you are asked 
 what o'clock it is, tell it, hut do not proclaim it hourly 
 and unasked, like the watchman. 
 
 " Upon the whole, remember that learning (I mean 
 Greek and Roman learning) is a most useful and neces- 
 sary ornament, which it is shameful not to be master of; 
 but, at the same time, most carefully avoid those errors 
 and abuses which I have mentioned, and which too often 
 attend it. Remember, too, that great modern knowledge 
 is still more necessary than ancient; and that you had 
 better know perfectly the present, than the old state of 
 the world ; though I would have you well acquainted with 
 both." 
 
 If you are poor, you must deprive yourself often of 
 the pleasure of escorting ladies to ride, the opera, or 
 other entertainments, because it is understood in society 
 that, in these cases, a gentleman pays all the expenses 
 for both, and in any emergency you may find your bill 
 for carriage hire, suppers, bouquets, or other unforeseen 
 demands, greater than you anticipated. 
 
 Shun the card table. Even the friendly games corn- 
 won in society, for small stakes, are best avoided. They 
 
f,32 GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OP ETIQUETTE. 
 
 feed the love of gambling, and you will' find that thia 
 love, if once acquired, is the hardest curse to get rid off. 
 It is in bad taste, though often done, to turn over the 
 cards on a table, when you are calling. If your host or 
 hostess finds you so doing, it may lead them to suppcse 
 you valire them more for their acquaintances than them-