'% Ir'^'K \^u oA Ja^/j c >r /i:i/aiif//j/tiii . /v//4v' , , JUDGE HALIBURTON'S YANKEE STORIES Garrit aniles ex re fabellas Horjice. The cheerful sage, when solemn dictates fkil, Conceals the moral counsel in a tale. WITH ILLUSTKATIONS PHILADELPHIA : LINDSAY & BLAKISTON, N. "W. CORNER FOURTH AND CHESTNUT 3TS. 1844. /72 ^ rRINTED BY T. K. & P. O. COLLINS, PHILA. /iMtJ ADVERTISEMENT. The following Sketches, as far as the twenty- first chapter, originally appeared in the "Nova- scotian" Newspaper. The great popularity they acquired, induced the Editor of that paper to apply to the Author for the remaining part of the series, and permission to publish the whole entire. This request having been acceded to, the Editor has now the pleasure of laying them before the public in their present shape. , Halifax^ Decemher^ 1836. (3) CONTENTS OF PART FIRST. Chapter Paga Slick's Letter 7 1. The Trotting Horse H 2. The Clockmaker 15 3. The Silent Girls , 19 4. Conversations at the River Philip 22 5. Justice Pettifog 25 & Anecdotes 28 7. Go Ahead 31 8. The Preacher that wandered from his Text 35 9. Yankee Eating and Horse Feeding 40 10. The Road to a Woman's Heart— The Broken Heart 45 11. Cumberland Oysters produce melancholy forebodings 50 12. The American Eagle 55 13. The Clockmaker's Opinion of Halifax 62 14. Sayings and Doings in Cumberland 68 15. The Dancing Master Abroad 72 16. Mr. Slick's Opinion of the British 78 17 A Yankee Handle for a Halifax Blade 84 18. The Grahamite and the Irish Pilot 90 19. The Clockmaker quilts a Bine Nose 96 20. Sister Sail's Courtship 101 21. Setting up for Governor 106 22. A Cure for Conceit 114 23. The Blowin Time 120 24. Father John O'Shaughnessy : 124 25. Taming a Shrew 137 26. The Minister's Horn Mug 137 27. The White Nigger 143 28. Fire in the Dairy 148 29. A Body without a Head 153 30. A Tale of Bunker's Hill 158 31. GuUing a Blue Nose 163 32. Too many Irons in the fire 1 68 33. Windsor and the Far West 17i) 1* (5) SLICK'S LETTER. [After these Sketches had gone through the press, and were ready for publication, we sent Mr. Slick a copy ; and shortly after- wards received from him the following letter, which character- istic communication we give entire. — ^Editor.] To Mr. Howe. Sir, — I received your letter, and note its contents. I aint over half pleased, I tell you; I think I have been used scandalous, that's a fact. It v^arn't the part of a gentleman for to go and pump me arter that fashion, and then go right off and blart it out in prirlt. It was a nasty, dirty, mean action, and I don't thank you nor the Squire a bit for it. It will be more nor a thousand dollars out of my pocket. There's an eend to the Clock trade now, and a pretty kettle of fish I've made on it, hav'nt 11 I shall never hear the last on it, and what am I to say when I go back to the States 1 I'll take my oath I never said one-half the stuff he has set dov^rn there ; and as for that long lochrum about Mr. Everett, and the Hon. Alden Gobble, and Minister, there aint a word of truth in it from beginnin to eend. If ever I come near hand to him agin, I'll larn him — but never mind, I say nothin. Now there's one thing I don't cleverly understand. If this here book is my ^Sayins and Doins/ how comes it yourn or the Squire's either ] [f my thoughts and notions are my own, how can they (7) viii slick's letter. be any other folks's? According to my idee you have no more right to take them, than you liave to take my clocks without payin for 'em. A man that would be guilty of such an action is no gentleman, that's flat, and if you don't like it, you may lump it — for I don't valy him, nor yo^ neither, nor are a blue-nose that ever stept in shoe-leather, the matter of a pin's head. I don't know as ever I felt so ugly afore since I was raised ; why didn't he put his name to it, as well as mine 1 When an article han't the maker's name and factory on it, it shows it's a cheat, and he's ashamed to own it. If I'm to have the name, I'll have the game, or I'll know the cause why, that's a fact. Now folks say you are a considerable of a candid man, and right up and down in your dealins, and do things above board, handsum — at least so I've hearn tell. That's what I like ; I love to deal with such folks. Now s'pose you make me an offer ? You'll find me not very difficult to trade with, and I don't know but I might put off more than half of the books myself tu. I'll tell you how I'd work it. I'd say, * Here's a book they've namesaked arter me, Sam Slick, the Clockmaker, but it tante mine, and I can't altogether jist say rightly whose it is. Some say it's the General's, and some say it's the Bishop's, and some says it's Howe himself; but I aint availed who it is. It's a wise child that knows its own father. It wipes up the blue-noses considerable hard, and don't let off the Yankees so very easy nei- ther, but it's generally allowed to be about the prettiest Dook ever writ in this country ; and although it ain Itogether jist gospel what's in it, there's some pretty home truths in it, that's a fact. Whoever wrote it must be a funny feller, too, that's sartin ; for there arc slick's letter. IX some queer stories in it that no soul could help larfin at, that's a fact. It's about the wittiest book I ever see'd. Its nearly all sold off, but jist a few copies I've kept for my old customers. The price is just 5s. 6d.j but I'll let you have it for 55., because you'll not get another chance to have one.' Always ax a sixpence more than the price, and then bate it, and when blue-nose hears that, he thinks he's got a bargain, and bites directly. I never see one on 'em yet that didn't fall right into the trap. Yes, make me an ofier, and you and I will trade, I think. But fair play's a jewel, and I must say I feel ryled and kinder sore. I han't been used handsum atween you two, and it don't seem to me that I had ought to be made a fool on in that book, arter that fashion, for folks to laugh at, and then be sheered out of the spec. If I am, somebody had better look out for squalls, I tell you. I'm as easy as an old glove, but a glove aint an old shoe to be trod on, and I think a cer- tain person will find that out afore he is six months older, or else I'm mistakened, that's all. Hopin to hear from you soon, I remain yours to command, SAMUEL SLICK. Pugnose's Inn^ River Philip^ Dec, 25, 1836. P. S. I see in the last page it is writ, that the Squire is to take another journey round the Shore, and back to Halifax with me next Spring. Well, I did agree with him, to drive him round the coast, but don't you mind — we'll understand each other, I guess, afore we start. I concait he'll rise considerable airly in the X slick's letter. mornin, afore he catches me asleep agin. I'll be wide awake for him next hitch, that's a fact. I'd a ginn a thousand dollars if he had only used Campbell's name instead of mine ; for he was a most an almighty villain, and cheated a proper raft of folks, and then shipped himself oiF to Botany Bay, for fear folks would transport him there ; you couldn't rub out Slick, and put in Camp- bell, could you ? that's a good feller ; if you would I'd make it worth your while, you may depend. THE CLOCKMAKER CHAPTER I. THE TROTTING HORSE. 1 WAS always well mounted : I am fond of a horse^ and always piqued myself on having the fastest trotter m the Province. I have made no great progress in the world ; I feel doubly, therefore, the pleasure of not being surpassed on the road. I never feel so well or so cheerful as on horseback, for there is something exhilarating in quick mo- tion ; and, old as I am, I feel a pleasure in making any per- son whom I meet on the way put his horse to the full gallop, to keep pace with my trotter. Poor Ethiope ! you recollect him, how he was wont to lay back his ears on his arched neck, and push away from all competition. He is done, poor fellow ! the spavin spoiled his speed, and he now roams at large upon * my farm at Truro.' Mohawk never failed me till this summer. I pride myself, (you may laugh at such childish weak- ness in a man of my age,) but still, I pride myself in taking the conceit out of coxcombs I meet on the road, and on the ease with which I can leave a fool behind, whose nonsense disturbs my solitary musings. On my last journey to Fort Lawrence, as the beautiful view of Colchester had just opened upon me, and as I was contemplating its richness and exquisite scenery, a tall thin man, with hollow cheeks and bright twinkling black eyes, on a good bay horse, somewhat out of condition, overtook me ; and drawing up, said, I guess you started early this morning, Sir? I did Sir, I replied. You did not come from Halifax, I presume. Sir, did you? in a dialect too rich to be mistaken as genuine Yankee. And which (H) I,: Tfl^ CLOCKMAKER. vvay_ n-^^j^ j/fiu. be travelliag 1 asked my inquisitive com- iffamcn. Tc^ Fort taw'i;encfe. Ah! said he, so am I, it is in my circuit. The word circuit sounded so professional, [ looked again at him, to ascertain whether I had ever seen him before, or whether I had met with one of those name- less, but innumerable limbs of the law, who now flo irish in every district of the Province. There was a keenness about his eye, and an acuteness of expression, much in favour of the law ; but the dress, and general bearing of the man, made against the supposkion. His was not the coat of a man who can afford to wear an old coat, nor was it one of ' Tempests and More's,' that distinguish country lawyers from country boobies. His clothes were well made, and of good materials, but looked as if their owner had shrunk a little since they were made for him ,* they hung somewhat loose on him. A large brooch, and some su- perfluous seals and gold keys, which ornamented his outward man, looked ' New England' like. A visit to the States had, perhaps, I thought, turned this Colchester beau into a Yankee fop. Of what consequence was it to me who he was — in either case I had nothing to do with him, and I desired neither his acquaintance nor his company — still I could not but ask myself who can this man be ? I am not aware, said I, that there is a court sitting at this time at Cumberland ? Nor am I, said my friend. What then could he have to do with the circuit ? It occurred to me he must be a Methodist preacher. I looked again, but his appearance again puzzled me. His attire might do — the colour might be suitable — the broad brim not out of place ; but there was a want of that staidness of look, that seriousness of countenance, that expression, in short, so characteristic of the clergy. I could not account for my idle curiosity — a curiosity which, in him, I had the moment before viewed both with suspicion and disgust ; but so it was — I felt a desire to know_ who he could be who was neither lawyer nor preacher, and yet talked of his circuit with the gravity of both. How ridiculous, I thought to myself, is this ; I will leave him. Turning towards him, I said, I feared I should be late for breakfast, and must therefore bid him good morning. Mo- liavvk felt the pressure of my knees, and away we went at THE TROTTING HORSE. 13 a slapping pace. I congratulated myself on conquering my own curiosity, and on avoiding that of my travelling companion. This, I said to myself, this is the value of a good horse ; I patted his neck — I felt proud of him. Pre- sently I heard the steps of the unknown's horse — the clatter increased. Ah, my friend, thought I, it won't do; you should be .well mounted if you desire my company ; I pushed Mohawk farter, faster, faster — to his best. He out- did himself; he had never trotted so handsomely — so easily — so well. I guess that is a pretty considerable smart horse, said the stranger, as he came beside me, and apparently reined in to prevent his horse passing me ,* there is not, I reckon, so spry a one on my circuit. Circuit, or no circuit, one thing was settled in my mind ; he was a Yankee, and a very impertinent Yankee too. I felt humbled, my pride was hurt, and Mohawk was beaten. To continue this trotting contest was humi- liating ; I yielded, therefore, before the victory was palpa- ble, and pulled up. Yes, continued he, a horse of pretty considerable good action, and a pretty fair trotter, too, ^ guess. Pride must have a fall — I confess mine was prostrate in the dust. These words cut me to the heart. What ! is it come to this, poor Mohawk, that you, the admiration of all but the envious, the great Mohawk, the standard by which all other horses are measured — trots next to Mohawk, only yields to Mohawk, looks like Mohawk — that you are, after all, only a counterfeit, and pronounced by a straggling Yankee to be merely * a pretty fair trotter !' If he was trained, I guess that he might be made do a little more. Excuse me, but if you divide your weight between the knee and the stirrup, rather most on the knee, and rise forward on the saddle so as to leave a little day- light between you and it, I hope I may never ride this circuit again, if you don't get a mile more an hour out of him. What ! not enough, I mentally groaned, to have my horse beaten, but I must be told that I don't know how to ride him ; and that, too, by a Yankee — Ay, there's the rub— a Yankee what? Perhaps a half-bred puppy, half 2 14 THE CLOCKMAKER. Yankee, half blue-nose. As there is no escape, I'll try to make out my riding master. . Your circuU, said I, my looks expressing all the surprise they were capable of — your circuit, pray what may that be? Oh, said he, the eastern circuit — I am on the eastern circuit, sir. I have heard, said I, feeling that I now had a lawyer to deal with; that there is a great deal of business on this circuit — Pray, are there many cases of importance? There is a pretty fair business to be done, at least there has been, but the cases are of no great value — we do not make much out of them, we get them up very easy, but they don't bring much profit. What a beast, thought I, is this ; and what a curse to a country, to have such an unfeeling, petti- fogging rascal practising in it — a horse-jockey, too — what a finished character ! I'll try him on that branch of his business. That is a superior animal you are mounted on, said I — I seldom meet one that can travel with mine. Yes, said he coolly, a considerable fair traveller, and most particular good bottom. I hesitated ; this man who talks with such unblushing efTrontery of getting up cases, and making pro- fit out of them, cannot be offended at the question — yes, I will put it to him. Do you feel an inclination to part with him ? I never part with a horse, sir, that suits me, said he — I am fond of a horse — I don't like to ride in the dust after every one I meet, and I allow no man to pass me but when I choose. Is it possible, I thought, that he can know me ; that he has heard of my foible, and is quizzing me, or have I this feeling in common with him ? But, continued I, you might supply yourself again. Not on this circuit, I guess, said he, nor yet in Campbell's circuit. Campbell's circuit — pray, sir, what is that ? That, said he, is the western — and Lampton rides the shore circuit ; and as for the people on the shore, they know so little of horses, that Lampton tells me, a man from Aylcsford once sold a hornless ox there, whose tail he had cut and nicked, for a horse of the Goliath breed. I should think, said I, that Mr. Lampton must have no lack of cases among such enlightened clients. Clients, sir ! said my friend, Mr. Lampton is not a lawyer. I beg pardon, I thought you said he rode the circuit. We call it a circuit, said the stranger, who seemed by no means flat- THE CLOCKMAKER. 15 tered by the mistake — we divide the Province, as in the Al- manack, into circuits, in each of which we separately carry on our business of manufacturing and selling clocks. There are few, I guess, said the Clockmaker, who go upon tick as much as we do, who have so little use for lawyers ; if attorneys could wind a man up again, after he has been fairly run downy I guess they 'd be a pretty harmless sor of folks. This explanation restored my good humour, and as 1 could not quit my companion, and he did not feel disposed to' leave me, I made up my mind to travel with him to Fort Lawrence, the limit of his circuit. CHAPTER II. THE CLOCKMAKER. I HAD heard of Yankee clock pedlars, tin pedlars, and bible pedlars, especially of him who sold Polyglot Bibles {all in English) to the amount of sixteen thousand pounds The house of every substantial farmer had three substantia', ornaments, a wooden clock, a tin reflector, and a Polyglot Bible. How is it that an American can sell his wares, at whatever price he pleases, where a blue-nose would fail to make a sale at all ] I will inquire of the Clockmaker the secret of his success. What a pity it is, Mr. Slick, (for such was his name) what a pity it is, said I, that you, who are so successful ia teaching these people the value of clocks, could not also teach them the value of time. I guess, said he, they have got that ring to grow on their horns yet, which every four year old has in our country. We i-eckon hours and minutes to be dollars and cents. They do nothing in these parts but cat, drink, smoke, sleep, ride about, lounge at taverns make speeches at temperance meetings, and talk abou ^^ House of Assembly. ^^ If a man don't hoe his corn, an he don't hoe a crop, he says it is all owing to the Bank 16 THE CLOCKMAKER. and if he runs into debt and is sued, why he says the law- yers are a curse to the country. They are a most idle set of folks, I tell you. But how is it, said I, that you manage to sell such an immense number of clocks, (which certainly cannot be called necessary articles) among a people with whom there seems to be so great a scarcity of money ? Mr. Slick paused, as if considering the propriety of an swering the question, and looking me in the face, said, in a confidential tone. Why, I don't care if I do tell you, for the market is glutted, and I shall quit this circuit. It is done by a knowledge of soft sawder and human natur. But here is Deacon Flint's, said he, I have but one clock left, and I guess I will sell it to him. At the gate of a most comfortable looking farm house stood Deacon Flint, a respectable old man, who had under- stood the value of time better than most of his neighbours, if one might judge from the appearance of every thing about him. After the usual salutation, an invitation to " alight" was accepted by Mr. Slick, who said, he wished to take leave of Mrs. Flint before he left Colchester. We had hardly entered the house, before the Clockmaker pointed to the view from the window, and, addressing him- self to me, said, if I was to tell them in Connecticut, there was such a farm as this- away down east here in Nova Sco- tia, they wouldn't believe me — why there aint such a location in all New England. The deacon has a hundred acres of dyke — Seventy, said the deacon, only seventy. Well, seventy ; but then there is your fine deep bottom, why 1 could run a ramrod into it — Interval, we call it, said the Deacon, who, though evidently pleased at this eulogium, seemed to wish the experiment of the ramrod to be tried in the right place — Well, interval if you please, (though Pro- fessor Eleazar Cumstick, in his work on Ohio, calls them bottoms,) is just as good as dyke. Then there is that water privilege, worth 3,000 or 4,000 dollars, twice as good as what Governor Cass paid 15,000 dollars for. I wonder, Deacon, you don't put up a carding mill on it; the same works would carry a turning lathe, a shingle machine, a circular saw, grind bark, and . Too old, said the Deacon, too old for all those speculations — Old, repeated ♦he THE CLOCKMAKER. 17 Clockmaker, not you ; why you are worth half a dozen of the young men we see now-a-days ; you are young enough to have — here he said something in a lower tone of voice, which I did not distinctly hear ; but whatever it was, the Deacon was pleased, he smiled and said he did not think of such things now. But your beasts, dear me, your beasts must be put in and have a feed ; saying which, he went out to order them to be taken to the stable. As the old gentleman closed the door after him, Mr. Slick drew near to me, and said in an under tone, that is what I call " soft saiDder.^^ An Englishman would pass that man as a sheep passes a hog in a pasture, without looking at him ,* or^ said he, looking rather archly, if he was mounted on a pretty smart horse, I guess he'd trot away, if he could. Now I find — Here his lecture on " soft sawder^'' was cut short by the entrance of Mrs. Flint. Jist come to say good bye, Mrs. Flint. What, have you sold all your clocks \ Yes, and very low, too, for money is scarce, and I wished to close the concarn ; no, I am wrong in saying all, for I have just one left. Neighbor Steel's wife asked to have the refusal of it, but I guess I won't sell it ; I had but two of them, this one and the feller of it, that I sold Governor Lincoln. General Green, the Secretary of State for Maine said he'd give me 50 dollars for this here one — it has com- position wheels and patent axles, it is a beautiful article — a real first chop — no mistake, genuine superfine, but I guess I'll take it back ; and beside. Squire Hawk might think kinder harder, that I did not give him the offer. Dear me said Mrs. Flint, I should like to see it, where is it 1 It is in a chest of mine over the way, at Tom Tape's store, I guess he can ship it on to Eastport. That's a good man, said Mrs. Flint, jist let's look at it. Mr. Slick, willing to oblige, yielded to these entreaties and soon produced the clock, a gawdy, highly varnished, trumpery looking affair. He placed it on the chimney piece, where its beauties were pointed out ond duly appre- ciated by Mrs. Flint, whose admiration was about ending in a proposal, when Mr. Flint returned from giving his directions about the care of the horses. The Deacon praised the clock, he too thought it a handsome one ; but 2* 18 THE CLOCKMAKER. the Deacon was a prudent man, he had a watch — he wag sorry, but he had no occasion for a clock. I guess you're in the wrong furrow this time. Deacon, it aint for sale, said Mr. Slick ; and if it was, I reckon neighbour Steel's wife would have it, for she gives me no peace about it. Mrs. Flint said, that Mr. Steel had enough to do, poor man, to pay his interest, without buying clocks Ibr his wife. It's no concarn of mine, said Mr. Slick, as long as he pays me, what he has to do, but I guess I don't want to sell it, and besides it comes too high ; that clock can't be made at Rhode Island under 40 dollars. Why it ain't possible, said the Clockmaker, in apparent surprise, looking at his watch, why as I'm alive it is 4 o'clock, and if I hav'nt been two hours here — how on airth shall I reach River Philip to-night? I'll tell you what, Mrs. Flint, I'll leave the clock in your tare till I return on my way to the States — I'll set it a going and put it to the right time. As soon as this operation was performed, he delivered the key to the Deacon with a sort of serio-comic injunction to wind up the clock every Saturday night, which Mrs. Flint said she would take care should be done, and pro- mised to remind her husband of it, in case he should chance to forget it. That, said the Clockmaker, as soon as we were mounted, that I call * human natur /' Now that clock is sold for 40 dollars— *it cost me just 6 dollars and 50 cents. Mrs. Flint will never let Mrs. Steel have the refusal — nor will the Deacon learn until I call for the clock, that having once indulged in the use of a superfluity, how difficult it is to give it up. We can do without any article of luxury we have never had, but when once obtained, it is not ' in hu- man natur'' to surrender it voluntarily. Of fifteen thousand sold by myself and partners in this Province, twelve thou- sand were left in this manner, and only ten clocks were ever returned — when we called for them, they invariably bought them. We trust to ' soft sawder^ to get them into the house, and to ^ human natur^ that they never come out of it. THE SILENT GIRLS. 1 CHAPTER III. THE SILENT GIRLS. Do you see them are swallows, said the ClockmM^er now low they fly ? Well, I presume, we shall have rain right away, and them noisy critters, them gulls, how close they keep to the water, down there in the Shubenacadie , well that's a sure sign. If we study natur, we don't want no thermometer. But I guess we shall be in time to get under cover in a shingle-maker's shed, about three miles ahead on us. We had just reached the deserted hovel when the rain- fell in torrents. I reckon, said the clockmaker, as he sat himself down on a bundle of shingles, I reckon they are bad off for inns in this country. When a feller is too lazy to work here, he paints his name over his door, and calls it a tavern, and as like as not he makes the whole neighbourhood as lazy as himself — it is about as easy to find a good inn in Halifax as it is to find wool on a goat's back. An inn, to be a good concarn, must be built a purpose, you can no more make a good tavern out of a common dwelling-house, I expect, than a good coat out of an old pair of trowsers. They are eternal lazy, you may depend — now there might be a grand spec made there in building a good Inn and a good Church. What a sacrilegious and unnatural union, said I, with most unaffected surprise. Not at all, said Mr. Slick, we build both on speculation in the States, and make a good deal of profit out of 'em too, I tell you. We look out a good sightly place in a town like Halifax, that is pretty considerably well peopled, with folks that are good marks ; and if there is no real right down good preacher among them, we build a handsome Church, touched off like a New York liner, a real taking looking thing — and then we look out for a preacher, a crack man, a regular ten horse power chap" — well we hire him, and we have to give pretty high wages too, say twelve hundred or sixteen hundred dollars a year. We take him at first on trial for a Sabbath or 20 THE CLOCKMAKER. two, to try his paces, and if he takes with the folks, if he goes down well, we clinch the bargain and let and sell the pews ; and, I tell you, it pays well and n\akes a real good investment. There were few better specs among us tlian Inns and Churches, .until the Railroads came on the carpet : as soon as the novelty of the new preacher wear's^ off, we hire another, and that keeps up the steam. I ^rust it will be long, very long, my friend, said I, ere the rage for speculation introduces " the money changers into the tem- ple," with us. Mr. Slick looked at me with a most inefTable expression of pity and surprise. Depend on it, sir, said he, with a most philosophical air, this Province is much behind the intelligence of the age. But if it is behind us in that re- spect, it is a long chalk ahead on us in others. I never seed or heard tell of a country that had so many natural privileges as this. Why there are twice as many har- bours and water powers here, as we have all the way from Eastport to New Orleens. They have all they can ax, and more than they desarve. They have iron, coal, slate, grindstone, lime, fire-stone, gypsum-, freestone, and a list as long as an auctioneer's catalogue. But they are either asleep, or stone blind to them. Their shores are crowded with fish, and their lands covered with wood. A govern- ment that lays as light on 'em as a down counterpin, and no taxes. Then look at their dykes. The Lord seems to have made 'em on purpose for such lazy folks. If you were to tell the citizens of our country that these dykes had been cropped for a hundred years without manure, they'd say, they guessed you had seen Colonel Crockett, the great- est hand at a flam in our nation. You have heerd tell of a man who couldn't see London for the houses, I tell you if we had this country, you could'nt see the harbours for the shipping. There'd be a rush of folks to it, as there is in one of our inns, to the dinner table, when they sometimes get jammed together in the door-way, and a man has to take a running leap over their heads, afore he can get in. A little nigger boy in New York found a diamond worth 2,000 dollars ; well, he sold it to a watchmaker for 50 cents — the little critter did'nt know no better. Yovr i^eople arc just THE SILEXT GIRLS. 21 like the nigger boy, they don't know the value of their diamond. Do you know the reason monkeys are no good ? because they chatter all day long — so do the niggers — and so do the blue^'^oses of Nova Scotia — it 's all talk and no work ; now with us its aV woi-k and no talk ; in our ship-yards, our fac- tories, our mills, and even in our vessels, there's no talk — a man can't work and '.dlk too. I guess if you were at the fac- tories at Lowell we'd show you a wonder — Jive hundred galls at ivork together all in silence. I don't think our great country has such a real natural curiosity as that — ^I expect the world don't contain the beat of that ; for a woman's tongue goes so slick of itself, without water power or steam, and moves so easy on its hinges, that it's no easy matter to put a spring stop on it, I tell you — It comes as natural as drinkin mint julip. I don't pretend to say the galls don't nullify the rule, at intermission and arter hours, but when they do, if they don't let go, then its a pity. You have heerd a school come out, of little boys. Lord, its no touch to it ; or a flock of geese at it, they are no more a match for 'em than a pony is for a coach-horse. But when they are at work all's as still as sleep and no snoring. I guess we have a right to brag o' that invention — we trained the dear critters, so they don't think of striking the minutes and seconds no longer. Now the folks of Halifax take it all out in talking — they talk of steam-boats, whalers, and rail-roads — but they all end where they begin — in talk. I don't think I'd be out in my latitude, if I was to say they beat the women kind at that. One fellow says, I talk of going to England — another says, I talk of going to the country — while a third says, I talk of going to sleep. If we happen to speak of such things, we say, * I'm right off down East ; or I'm away off South,' and away we go jist like a streak of lightning. When we want folks to talk, we pay 'em for it, such as our ministers, lawyers, and members of congress ; but then we expect the use of their tongues, and not their hands; and when we pay folks to work, we expect the use of their hands, and not their tongues. I guess work don't come kind o' natural to the people of this Province, no more than it 22 THE CLOCKMAKER. does to ahim no how ; and if they do come up with him, he slips through their fingers like an eel : and then, he goes armed, and he can knock the eye out of a squirrel with a ball, at filly yards hand running — a regular ugly customer. Well, Nabb, the constable, had a writ agin him, and he was cyphering a good while how he should catch him ; at last he hit on a plan that he thought was pretty clever, and he scheemed for a chance to try it. So one day he heard that pill was up at Pugnose's Inn, a settling some business, and was likely to be there all night. Nabb waits till it was considerable late in the evening, and then he takes his horse and rides down to the inn, and hitches his beast be- hind the hay stack. Then he crawls up to the window and peeps in and watches there till Bill should go to bed, think- ing the best way to catch them are sort of animals is to catch them asleep. Well, he kept Nabb a waiting outside so long, with his talking and singing, that he well nigh Fell asleep first himself; at last Bill began to strip for bed. First he takes out a long pocket pistol, examines the priming, and lays it down on the table near the head of the bed. When Nabb sees this, he begins to creep like all over, and feel kinder ugly, and rather sick of his job ; but when he seed -him iump into bed, and heerd him snore out a noise like a man driving pigs to market, he plucked up courage, and thought he might do it easy arter all if he was to, open the door softly, and make one spring on him afore he could wake. So roimd he goes, lifts up the latch of his door as soft as soap, and makes a jump right atop oi him, as he lay on the bed. I guess I got you this time, said Nabb. I guess so too, said Bill, but^I wish you would'nt lay so plaguy heavy on me — ^^jist turn over, that's a good fellow, v/ill you ? With that, Bill lays his arm on him to raise him up, for he said he was squeezed as flat as a pancake, and afore Nabb knew where he was. Bill rolled him right over, and was atop of him. Then he seized him by the throat, and twisted his pipe, till his eyes were as big as saucers, and his tongue grew six inches longer, while he kept making faces, for all the world like the pirate that was 30^ THE CLOCKMAKER. hanged on Monument Hill, at Boston. It was pretty near over with him, when Nabb thought of his spurs ; so he just ctirled up both heels, and drove the spurs right into liim; he let him have it jist below his cruper ; as Bill was naked, he had a fair chance, and he ragged him like the leaf of a book cut open with your finger. At last. Bill could stand it no longer ; he let go his hold, and roared like a bull, and clapping both hands ahind him, he out of the door like a sliot. If it had'nt been for them are spurs, I guess Bill would have saved the hangman a job of Nabb that time. The Clockmaker was an observing man, and equally communicative. Nothing escaped his notice; he knew every body's genealogy, history, and means, and like a driver of an English Stage Coach, was not unwilling to impart what he knew. Do you see that snug looking house there, said he, with a short sarce garden afore it ? that belongs to Elder Thomson. The elder i« pretty close- fisted, and holds special fast to all he gets. He is a just man and very pious, but 1 have obsen'ed when a man be- comes near about too good, he is apt, sometimes, to slip ahead into avarice, unless he looks sharper arter his girths. A friend of mine in Connecticut, an old sea captain, who was once let in for it pretty deep, by a man with a broader brim than common, said to me " friend Sam," says he, " I don't like those folks who are too d — n good." There is, I expect, some truth in it, tho' he need'nt ha-^ swore at all, but he was an awful hand to swear. Howsomever that may be, there is a story about the Elder that's not so coarse neither. It appears an old Minister came there once, to hold a meetin' at his house — well, after meetin' was over, the Elder took the minister all over his farm, which is pretty tidy, I tell you ; and he showed him a great Ox he had, and a swingeing big Pig, that weighed some six or seven hundred weight, that he was plaguy proud of, but he never offered the old minister any thing to eat or drink. The preacher was pretty tired of all this, and seeing no pros- pect of being asked to partake with the family, and tolera- bly sharp set, he asked one of the boys to fetch him his horse out of the barn. When he was taking leave of the Eider (there were several folks by at the time), says he, GO AHEAD. 31 Elder Thomson, you have a fine farm here, a very fine farm, indeed ; you have a large Ox too, a very large Ox ; and I think, said he, I've seen to day, (turning and looking him full in the face, for he intended to hit him pretty hard,) I think I have seen to-day the greatest Hog I ever saiv in my life. The neighbours snickered a good deal, and the Elder felt pretty streaked. I guess he'd give his great Pig or his great Ox either, if that story had'nt got wind. CHAPTER VII. GO AHEAD. When we resumed our conversation, the Clockmaker said " I guess we are the greatest nation on the face of the airth, and the most enlightened too." This was rather too arrogant to pass unnoticed, and I was about replying, that whatever doubts there might be on that subject, there could be none whatever that they were the most modest ; when he continued, we " go ahead," the Nova Scotians go ~" astarn." Our ships go ahead of the ships of other folks, our steam-boats beat the British in speed, and so do our stage-coaches ; and I reckon a real right down New York trotter might stump the univarse for going " ahead." But since we introduced the Rail-Roads, if we don't " go ahead" its a pity. We never fairly knew what going the whole hog was till then ; Ave actilly went ahead of ourselves, and that's no easy matter, I tell you. If they only had edication here, they might learn to do so too, but they don't know nothin.' You undervalue them, said I, they have their College and Academies, their gram- mar schools and primary institutions, and I believe there are few among them who cannot read and write. I guess all that's nothin', said he. As for Latin and Greek, we don't valy it a cent ; we teach it, and so we do painting and music, because the English do, and we like to go ahead on 'em even in them are things. As for read- ing, its well enough for them that has nothing to do, and 32 THE CLOCKMAKER. wi'itiiig is plaguy apt to bring a man to States-prison, par- ticularly if he writes his name so like another man as to have it mistaken for his'n.- Cyphering is the thing — if a man knows how to cypher he is sure to grow rich. We are a " calculating" people, we all cypher. A horse that wont go ahead is apt to run back, and the more you whip him, the faster he goes astarn. That's jist the way with the Nova Scotians ; "they have been running back so fast lately, that they have tumbled over a Bank or two, and nearly broke their necks ; and now they've got up and shook themselves, they swear their dirty clothes and bloody noses are all owing to the Banks. I guess if they wont look ahead for the future, they'll larn to look behind, and see if there's a bank near hand 'em. A bear always goes down a tree sfarn foremost. He is a cunning critter, he knows tante safe to carry a heavy load over his head, and his rump is so heavy, he dont like to trust it over his'n, for fear it might take a lurch, and carry him, heels over head, to the ground ; so he lets his starn down first, and his head arter. I wish the blue- noses would find as good an excuse in their rumps for running backwards as he has. But the bear " cyphers,''^ he knows how many pounds his hams weigh, and he " calcu- lates'''' if he carried them up in the air, they might be top heavy for him. If we had this Province we'd go to work and " cypher" right off. Halifax is nothing without a river or back coun- try ; add nothing to nothing, and I guess you have nothing still — add a Rail Road to the Bay of Fundy, and how much do you git 1 That requires cyphering — it will cost 300,000 dollars, or 75,000 pounds your money — add for notions omitted in the additional column, one third, and it makes even money — 100,000 pounds. Interest at 5 per cent. 5,000 pounds a year, now turn over the slate and cojjnt up freight — I make it upwards of 25,000 pounds a year. If I had you at the desk I'd show you a bill of items. Now comes " subtraction ;" deduct cost of engines, wear and tear, and expenses, and what not, and reduce it for shortness down to 5,000 pounds a year, the amount ot mterest. What figures have you got now ? you have an investment that pays interest, I guess, and if it dont pay GO AHEAD. 33 more then I dont know chalk from cheese. But suppose it don't, and that it yields only 2^ per cent, (and it re- quires good cyphering, I tell you, to say how it would act with folks that like going astarn better than going ahead,) what would them are wise ones say then 1 \S hy the critters would say it wont pay ; but I say the sum ant half stated. Can you count in your head ? Not to any extent, said I. Well, that's an etarnal pity, said the Clockmaker, for I should like to show you Yankee Cyphering. What is the entire real estate of Halifax worth, at a valeation ? I really cannot say. Ah, said he, I see you dont cypher, and Latin and Greek wont do ; them are people had no rail- roads. Well, find out, and then only add ten per cent, to it, for increased value, and if it dont give the cost of a rail- road, then my name is not Sam Slick. Well the land - between Halifax and Ardoise is worth nothing, add 5 per cent, to that, and send the sum to the College, and ax the students how much it comes to. But when you get into Hants County, I guess you have land worth coming all the way from Boston to see. His Royal High- ness the King, I guess, has'nt got the like in his dominions. Well, add 15 per cent, to all them are lands that border on Windsor Basin, add 5 per cent, to what butts on basin of Mines, and then what do you get ? A pretty considerable sum, I tell you — but its no use to give you the chalks if you can't keep the tallies. Now we will lay down the schoolmaster's assistant and ^ take up another book every bit and grain as good as that, P although these folks affect to sneer at it — I mean human natur. Ah ! said I, a knowledge of that was of great ser- vice to you, certainly, in the sale of your clock to the old Deacon ; let us see how it will assist you now. What does a clock want that's run down 1 said he. Undoubtedly to be wound up, I replied. I guess you've hit it this time. The folks of Halifax have run down, and they'll never go to all etarnity, till they are wound up into motion ; the works are all good, and it is plaguy well cased and set — it only wants a key. Put this railroad into operation, and the activity it will inspire into business, the new life it will give the place, will surprise you. Its like lifting a child .ofi* 34 THE CLOCK?dAKfi.tv/ its crawling, and putting him on his legs to run — see how the little critter 'goes ahead arter that. A kurnel, (1 dont mean a Kurnel of militia, for we don't valy that breed o' cattle nothing — they do nothing but strut about and screech all day, like peacocks, but a kurnel of grain, when sow:ed, will stool into several shoots, and each shoot bear many kurnels, and will multiply itself thus — 4 times 1 is 4, and 4 times 25 is 100, (you see all natur cyphers, except the blue-noses.) Jist so, this here railroad will not, perhaps, beget other railroads, but it will beget a spirit of enter- prise, that will beget other useful improvements. It will enlarge the sphere and the means of trade, open new sources of traffic and supply — develop resources — and what is of more value perhaps than all — beget motion. It will teach the folks that go astarn or stand stock still, like the state- house in Boston, (though they do say the foundation of that has moved a little this summer) not only to go " ahead,^^ but to nvllify time and space. Here his horse (who, feeling the animation of his master, had been restive of late) set off at a most prodigious rate of trotting. It was sometime before he was reined up. When I overtook him, the Clockmaker said, this old Yankee horse, you see, understands our word " go ahead" better nor these blue-noses. What is it, he continued^ what is it that ^fetters' the heels of a young country, and hangs like ' a yoke' around its neck 1 what retards the cultivation of its soil, and the im- provement of its fisheries 1 — the high price of labour, I guess. Well, whafs a rdilroad? The substitution of mechanical for human and animal labour, on a scale asi grand as our great country. Labour is dear in America, and cheap in Europe. A railroad, therefore, is compara- tively no manner of use to them, to what it is to us — it does wonders there, but it works miracles here. There it makes the old man younger, but here it makes the child a giant. To us it is river, bridge, road, and canal, all one. It saves what ive han't got to spare, men, horses, carts, vessels, barges, and whafs all in all — time. Since the creation of the Universe, I guess it^s the greatest invention, arter man. Now this is what I call THE PREACHER THAT WANDERED, ETC. 35 " cyphering" arter human natur, while figures are cypher- ing arter the " assistant." These two sorts of cyphering make idecation — and you may depend on't, Squire, there is nothing like folks cyphering, if they want to " go ahead." CHAPTER VIII. THE PREACHER THAT WANDERED FROM HIS TEXT. I GUESS, said the Clockmaker, we know more of Nova Scotia than the hlue-noses themselves do. The Yankees see further ahead than most folks ; they can een a most see round t'other side of a thing ; indeed some on them have hurt their eyes by it, and sometimes I think that's the reason such a sight of them wear spectacles. The first I ever heerd tell of Cumberland was from Mr. Everett of Congress ; he know'd as much about it as if he had lived here all his days, and may be a little grain more. He is a splendid man that — we class him No. 1, letter A. One night I chanced to go into General Peep's tavern at Boston, and who should I see there but the great Mr. Everett, a studying over i a map of the province of Nova Scotia. Why it aint possible I said I — if that aint Professor Everett, as I am alive ! why I how do you do. Professor] Pretty well, I give you thanks, ! said he ; how be you ? but I aint no longer Professor ; I gin l^hat up, and also the trade of Preaching, and took to poli- |Hfics. You don't say so, said I ; why what on airth is the ' cause o' that ? Why, says he, look here, Mr. Slick. What ' is the use of reading the Proverbs of Solomon to our free and enlightened citizens, that are every mite and mortal as wise as he was 1 That are man undertook to say there was nothing new under the sun. I guess he'd think he spoke a little too fast, if he was to see our steam-boats, railroads, and India rubber shoes — three inventions worth more nor all he knew put into a heap together. Well, I don't know, said I, but somehow or another I guess you'd have found preaching the best speculation in the long run ; them are 36 THE CLOCKMAKER. Unitarians pay better than Uncle Sam (we call, said the Clockmaker, the American public Uncle Sam, as you call the British John Bull.) That remark seemed to grig him a little ; he felt oneasy ' (ike, and walked twice across the room, fifty fathoms- deep in thought ; at last he said, which way are you from, Mr. Slic^c, this hitch ? Why, says I, I've been away up south a speculating in nutmegs. I hope, says the Professor, they were a good article, the real right down genuine thing. No mistake, says I, — no mistake. Professor : they were all prime, fii^t chop ; but why did you ax that question 1 Why, says he, that eternal scoundrel, that Captain John Allspice of Nahant, he used to trade to Charleston, and he carried a cargo once there of fifty barrels of nutmegs : well, he put a half a bushel of good ones into each eend of the barrel, and the rest he filled up with wooden ones, so like the real thing, no soul could tell the difference until he bit one with his teeth, and that he never thought of doing, until he was first bit himself. Well, its been a standing joke with them southerners agin us ever since. It was only tother day at Washington, that everlasting Virginy duellist General Cuffy, afore a number of senators, at the President's house, said to me. Well Everett, says he — you know I was always dead agin your Tariff bill, but I have changed my mind since your able speech on it ; I shall vote for it now. Give me your hand, says I, General Cuffy ; the Boston folks will be dreadful glad when they hear your splendid talents are on our side — I think it will go now — we'll carry it. Yes, says he, your factories down east beat all natur ; they go ahead on the English a lon^aM chalk. You may depend I was glad to hear the New^ Englanders spoken of in that way — I felt proud, I tell you — and, says he, there's one manufacture that might stump all Europe to produce the like. What's that ? says I, look- ing as pleased all the time as a gall that's tickled. Why, says he, the facture of wooden nutmegs ,* that's a cap sheef that bangs the bush — its a real Yankee patent invention. With that all the gentlemen set up a laugh, you might have heerd away down to Sandy Hook — and the General gig gobbled like a great turkey cock, the half nigger, half alii THE PREACHER THAT WAXDERED, ETC. 87 gator like looking villain as he is. I tell you what, Mr. Slick, said the Professor, I wish with all my heart them are damned nutmegs were in the bottom of the sea. That was the first oath I ever heerd him let slip : but he was dreadful ryled, and it made me feel ugly too, for its awful to hear a minister swear ; and the only match I know for it, is to hear a regular sneezer of a sinner quote scripture. Says I, Mr Everett, that's the fruit that politics bear : for my part I never seed a good graft on it yet, that bore any thing good to eat, or easy to digest. Well, he stood awhile looking down on the carpet, with his hands behind him, quite taken up a cyphering in his head, and then he straightened himself up, and he put his hand upon his heart, just as he used to do in the pulpit, (he looked pretty I tell you) and slowly lifting his hand off his breast, he said, Mr. Slick, our tree of liberty was a beautiful tree — a splendid tree — it was a sight to look at ; it was well fenced and well protected, and it grew so stately and so handsome, that strangers came from all parts of the globe to see it. They all allowed it was the most splendid thing in the world. Well, the mobs have broken in and tore down their fences, and snapped off the branches, and scattered all the leaves about, and it looJvS no better than a gallows tree. I am afeared, says he, I tremble to think on it, but I am afeared our ways will no longer be ways of pleasantness, nor our paths, paths of peace ; I am, indeed, I vow, Mr. Slick. He looked so streaked and so chop-fallen, that I felt kinder sorry for him ; I actilly thought he'd a boo-hood right out. So, to turn the conversation, says I, Professor, what are 'eat map is that I seed you a studyin' over when I came ? Says he, its a map of Nova Scotia. That, says he, is a valuable province, a real clever province ; we han't got the like on it, but its most plagily in our way. Well, says I, send for Sam Patch (that are man was a great diver, says the Clockmaker, and the last dive he took was off the falls of Niagara, and he was never heerd of agin till tother day when Captain Enoch Wentworth, of the Susy Ann AVhaler, saw him in the South Sea. Why, says Captain Enoch to him, why Sam, says he, how on airth did you get here ? I thought you was drowned at the Canadian lines. "Vhy, 4* 38 THE CLOCKMAKER. says he, I didn't get on airth here at all, but I came right slap through it. In that are Niagara dive, I went so ever- lasting deep, I thought it was just as short to come up tother side, so out I came in those parts. If I don't take the shine off the Sea Serpent, when I get back to Boston, then my name's not Sam Patch.) Well, says I, Professor, send for Sam Patch, the diver, and let him dive down and stick a torpedo in the bottom of the Province and blow it up ; or if that won't do, send for some of our steam tow-boats from our great Eastern cities, and tow it out to sea ; you knOw there's nothing our folks can't do, when they once, fairly take hold on a thing in airnest. Well, that made hinl laugh ; he seemed to forget about the nutmegs, and says he, that's a bright scheme, but it won't do ; we shall want the Province some day, and I guess we'll buy it of King William ; they say he is over head and ears in debt, and owes nine hundred millions of pounds starling — we'll buy it as we did Florida. In the meantime we must have a canal from Bay Fundy to Bay Varte, right through Cumberland neck, by Shittyack, for our fishing vessels to go to Labradore. I guess you must ax leave first, said I. That's jist what I was cyphering at, says he; when j^ou came in. I believe we won't ax them at all, but jist fall to and do it ; it's a road of need- cessity. I once heard Chief Justice Marshall of Baltimore, say. If the people's highway is dangerous — a man may take down a fence — and pass through the fields as a way of needcessity ; and we shall do it on that principle, as the way round by Isle Sable is dangerous. I wonder the^g Novascotians don't do it for their own convenience. Said^^B I, it would'nt make a bad speculation that. The critters " don't know no better, said he. Well, says I, the St. John's folks, why don't they? for they are pretty cute chaps them. They remind me, says the Professor, of Jim Billings. You knew Jim Billings, didn't you, Mr. Slick 1 Oh yes, said I, I knew him. It was he that made such a talk by shipping blankets to the West Indies. The same, says he. Well, I went to see him the other day at Mrs. Lecain's Boarding House, and sa\ s 1, Billings, you have a nice loca THE PREACHER THAT WANDERED, ETC. 39 tion here. A plagy sight too nice, said he. Marm Lecain makes such an eternal touss about her carpets, that 1 havo to go along that everlasting long entry, and down both stair- cases, to the street door to spit; and it keeps ^ all the gen- tlemen a running with their mouths full all day. I had a real bout with a New Yorker this morning, I run down to the street door, and afore I seed any body a coming, I let go and I vow if I didn't let a chap have it all over his white waistcoat. Well, he makes a grab at me, and I shuts the door right to on his wrist, and hooks the door chain taught, and leaves him there, and into Marm Lecain's bed-room like a shot, and hides behind the curtain. Well, he roared like a bull, till black Lucretia, one of the house helps, let him go, and they looked into all the gentlemen's rooms and found nobody — so I got out of that are scrape. So, what with Marm LeCain's carpets in the house, and other folks's waistcoats in the street, its too nice a location for me, I guess, so I shall up killoch and off to-morrow to the Tree mont. Now, says the Professor, the St. John's folks are jist like Billings, fifty cents would have bought him a spit box, and saved him all them are journeys to the street door — and a canal at Bay Varte would save the St. John's folks a voyage all round Nova Scotia. Why, they can't get at their own backside settlements, without a voyage most as long as one to Europe. If ice had that are neck of land in Cumberland, ice d have a ship canal there.) and a town at each eend of it as big as Portland. You may talk of Solomon, said the Professor, but if Solomon in all his glory -was not arrayed like a lily of the field, neither was he in all his wisdom equal in knowledge to a real free American citizen. Well, said I, Professor, w^e are a most enlightened people, that's sartain, but somehow I don't like to hear you run down King Solomon neither ; perhaps he warnt quite so wise as Uncle Sam, but then, said I, (drawing close to the Professor, and whispering in his ear, for fear any folks in the bar room might hear me,) but then, said I, may be he was every bit and grain as honest. Says he, Mr. Slick, there are some folks who think a good deal and say but little, and they are wise folks ; and there are 40 THE CLOCKMAKER. others agin, who blart right out whatever comes upper- most, and I guess they are pretty considerable superfine darned fools. , And with that he turned right round, and sat down to his map, and never said another word, lookin' as mad as a hatter the whole blessed time CHAPTER IX. YANKEE EATING AND HORSE FEEDING. Did you ever heer tell of Abernethy, a British doctor 1 said the Clockmaker. Frequently, said I, he was an emi- nent man, and had a most extensive practice. Well, I reckon he was a vulgar critter that, he replied, he treated the hon'ble Alden Gobble, secretary to our legation at London, dreadful bad once ; and I guess if it had been me he had used that way, I'd a fixed his flint for him, so that he'd think twice afore he'd fire such another shot as that are again. I'd make him make tracks, I guess, as quick as a dog does a hog from a potatoe field. He'd a found his way out of the hole in the fence a plagy sight quicker than he came in, I reckon. His manner, said I, was certainly rather unceremonious at times, but he was so honest and so straightforward, that no person was, I believe, ever seriously offended at him. It was his way. Then his way was so plaguy rough, con- tinued the Clockmaker, that he'd been the better, if it liad been hammered and mauled down smoother. I'd a levelled him as flat as a flounder. Pray what was his ofl^ence 1 said I. Bad enough you may depend. The hon'ble Alden Gobble was dyspeptic, and he suf^ fered great oneasiness arter eatin, so he goes to A})ernelhy for advice. What's the matter with you, said the Doctor ? jist that way, without even passing the time o'day with him— what's the matter with you ? said he. Why, says AldMi, I presume I have the dyspepsy. Ah ! said he, I YANKEE EATING AND HORSE FEEDING. 41 see ; a Yankee swallowed more dollars and cents than he can digest. I am an American citizen, says Alden, with great dignity ; I am Secretary to our Legation at the Court of St. James. The devil you are, said Abernethy ; then you'll soon get rid of your dyspepsy. I don't see that are inference, said Alden ; it don't follow from what you predicate at all — it aint a natural consequence, I guess, that a man should cease to be ill, because he is called by the voice of a free and enlightened people to fill an important office. (The truth is, you could no more trap Alden than yeu could an Indian. He could see other folks' trail, and made none himself: he was a real diploma- tist, and I believe our diplomatists are allowed to be the best in the world.) But I tell you it does follow, said the Doctor; for in the company you'll have to keep, you'll have to eat like a Christian. It was an everlasting pity Alden contradicted him, for he broke out like one ravin distracted mad. I'll be d d, said he, if ever I saw a Yankee that didn't bolt his food whole like a Boa Constrictor. How the devil can you ex- pect to digest food, that you neither take the trouble to dissect, nor time to masticate 1 It's no wonder you lose your teeth, for you never use them ; nor your digestion, for you overload it ; nor your saliva, for you expend it on the carpets, instead of your food. Its disgusting, its beastly. You Yankees load your stomachs as a Devon- shire man does his cart, as full as it can hold, and as fast as he can pitch it with a dung fork, and drive off; and then you complain that such a load of compost is too heavy for you. Dyspepsy, eh ! infernal guzzling you mean. I'll tell you what, Mr. Secretary of Legation, take half the time to eat, that you do to drawl out your words, chew your food half as much as you do your filthy tobacco, and you'll be well in a month. I don't understand such language, said Alden, (for he was fairly ryled and got his dander up, and when he shows clear grit, he looks wicked ugly, I tell you,) I don't under- stand such language. Sir ; I came here to consult you pro- fessionally, and not to b^ . Don't understand ! said the Doctor, why its plain English ; but heie, read my book 4* 42 THE CLOCKMAKER. — and he shoved a book into his hands and left him in an instant, standing alone in the middle of the room. If the hon'ble Alden Gobble hM gone right away and demanded his passports, and returned home with the Lega- tion, in one of our first class frigates, (I guess the English would as soon see pyson as one o' them are Serpents) to Washington, the President and the people would have sus- tained him in it, I guess, until an apology was offered for the insult to the nation. I guess if it had been me, said j Mr. Slick, I'd a headed him afore he slipt out o' the door, 1 and pinned him up agin the wall, and- made him bolt his words agin, as quick as he throw'd 'em up, for I never see'd an Englishman that did'nt cut his words as short as he does his horse's tail, close up to the stump. It certainly was very coarse and vulgar language, and I think, said I, that your Secretary had just cause to be offended at such an ungentiemanlike attack, although he showed his good sense in treatiiTg it with the contempt it deserved. It was plagy lucky for the doctor, I tell you, that he cut his stick as he did, and made himself scarce, for Alden was an ugly customer, he'd a gin him a proper scald- ing — he'd a taken the brissles off his hide, as clean as the skin of a spring shote of a pig killed at Christmas. The Clockmaker was evidently excited by his own story, and to indemnify himself for these remarks on his coun- trymen, he indulged for some time in ridiculing the Nova Scotians. Do you see that are flock of colts, said he, (as we passed one of those beautiful prairies that render the vallies of Nova Scotia so verdant and so fertile,) well, I guess they S keep too much of that are stock. I heerd an Indian one ^ day ax a tavern keeper for some rum ; why, Joe Spaw- deeck, said he, I reckon you have got too much already. Too much of any thing, said Joe, is not good, but too much rum is jist enough. I guess these blue-noses think so bout tlieir horses, they nre fairly eat up by them, out of house and home, and they are no good neither. They beant g^od saddle horses, and they beant good draft beasts — they are jist neither one thing nor lothor. They are like the drink of our Connecticut folks. At mowing time they use YANKEE EATING AND HORSE FEEDING. 43 molasses and water, nasty stuff, only, fit to catch flies — it spiles good wntcr and makes bad beer. No wonder the folks are poor. Look at them are great dykes ; well, they all go to feed horses ; and look at their grain fields on the upland ; well, they are all sowed with oats to feed horses, and they buy their bread from us : so we feed the asses and they feed the horses. If 1 had them critters on tha are marsh, on a location of mine, I'd jist take my rifle and shoot every one on them ; the nasty yo necked, cat ham- med, heavy headed, fiat eared, crooked shanked, long legged, narrow chested, good for nothin brutes ; they aint worth their keep one winter. I vow, I wish one of these blue-noses, with his go-to-meetin clothes on, coat tails pinned up behind like a leather blind of a shay, an old spur on one heel, and pipe stuck through his hat band, mounted on one of these limber timbered critters, that moves its hind legs like a hen scratchin gravel, was sot down in Broad- way, in New York, for a sight. Lord ! I think I hear the West Point cadets a larfin at him. Who brought that are scarecrow out of standin corn and stuck him here ? I guess that are citizen came from away down east out of the Notch of the White Mountains. Here comes the Cholera doctor, from Canada — not from Canada, I guess, neither, for he don''t look as if he had ever been among the rapids.. If they would'nt poke fun at him its a pity. If they'd keep less horses, and more sheep, they'd have food and clothing, too, instead of buying both. I vow i've larfed afore now till I have fairly wet myself a cryin', to see one of these folks catch a horse : may be he has to go two or three miles of an arrand. Well, down he goes on the dyke, with a bridle in one hand, and an old tin pan in another, full of oats, to catch his beast. First he goes to one flock of horses, and then to another, to see if he can find his own critter. At last he gets sight on him, and goes softly up to him, shakin of his oats, and a coaxin him, and jist as he goes to put his hand on him, away he starts all head and tail, and the rest with him ; that starts anotlior flock, and they set a third off, and at last every troop on 'em goes, as if OM Nick was arter them, till they amount to two or three hundred in a drove. Well, he chases them 44 THE CLOCKMAKER. clear across the Tantramer marsh, seven miles good, over ditches, creeks, mire holes, and flag ponds, and then they turn and take a fair chase for it back again seven miles more. By ihis time, I presume they are all pretty consid- erably well tired, and Blue Nose, he goes and gets up all the men folks in the neighbourhood, and catches his beast, as they do a moose arter he is fairly run down ; so he runs fourteen miles, to ride two, because he is in a tarnation hurry. It's e'en a most equal to eatin soup with a fork, when you are short of time. It puts me in mind of catch- ing birds by sprinkling salt on their tails ; its only one horse a man can ride out of half a dozen, arter all. One has no shoes, tother has a colt, one arnt broke, another has a sore back, while a fifth is so etarnal cunnin, all Cumber- land could'nt catch him, till winter drives him up to the barn for food. Most of them are dyke marshes have what they call * honey pots^ in 'em ; that is a deep hole all full of squash, where you can't find no bottom. Well, every now and then, when a feller goes to look for his horse, he sees his tail a stickin right out an eend, from one of these honey pots, and wavin like a head of broom corn ; and sometimes you see two or three trapped there, e'en a most smothered, everlastin' tired, half swimmin, half wadin, like rats in a molasses cask. When they find 'em in that are pickle, they go and get ropes, and tie 'em tight round their necks, and half hang 'em to make 'em float, and then haul 'em out. Awful looking critters they be, you may depend, when they do come out ; for all the world like half drowned kittens — all slinkey slimey — with their great long tails glued up like a swab of oakum dipped in tar. If they don't look foolish its a pity ! Well, they have to nurse these critters all winter, with hot mashes, warm covering, and what not, and when spring comes, they mostly die, and if they don't they are never no good arter. I wish with all my heart half the horses in the country were barrelled up in these here '* honey pots," and then there'd be near about one half too many left for profit. Jist look at one of these barn yards in the spring — half a dozen half-starved colts, with their hair looking a thousand ways for Sunday, and their coats THE ROAD TO A WOMAN S HEART. 45 hangin in tatters, and half a dozen good for nothin old horses, a crowdin out the cows and sheep. Can you wonder that people who keep such an unprO' jitahle stock, come out of the small eend of the horn in the long run 1 CHAPTER X. THE ROAD TO A WOMAN'S HEART— THE BROKEN QEART. As we approached the Inn at Amherst, the Clockmaker grew uneasy. Its pretty well on in the evening, I guess, said he, and Marm Pugwash is as onsartin in her temper as a mornin in April ; its all sunshine or all clouds with her, and if she's in one of her tantrums, she'll stretch out her neck and hiss, like a goose with a flock of goslins. I wonder what on airth Pugwash was a thinkin on, when he signed articles of partnership with that are woman; she's not a bad lookin piece of furniture neither, and its a proper pity sich a clever woman should carry such a stiff upper lip — she reminds me of our old minister Joshua Hopewell's apple trees. The old minister had an orchard of most particular good fruit, for he was a great hand at buddin, graftin, and what not, and the orchard (it was on the south side of the house) stretched right up to the road. Well, there were some trees hung over the fence, I never seed such bearers, the apples hung in ropes, for all the world like strings of onions, and the fruit was beautiful. Nobody touched the minister's apples, and when other folks lost thcirn from the boys, his'n always hung there like bait to a hook, but there never was so much as a nibble at 'em. So I said to him one day, Minister, said I, how on airth do you manage to keep your fruit that's so exposed, when no one else cant do it nohow. Why, says he, they are dreadful pretty fruit, ant they ? I guess, said I, there ant the like on 'em in all Connecticut. Well, says he, I'll tell you the secret, but you need'nt let 46 THE CLOCKMAKER. on to no one about it. That are row next the fence, I grafted it myself, I took great pains to get the right kind, I sent clean up to Roxberry and away down to Squaw-neck Creek, (I was afeared he was a goin to give me day and date for every graft, being a terrible l^ng-winded man in his stories,) so says I, I know that, minister, but how do you preserve them? Why, I was a goin to tell you, said he, when you stopped me. That are outward row I grafted myself with the choicest kind I could find, and I succeeded. They are beautiful, but so etarnal sour, no human soul can eat them. Well, the boys think the old minister's graftin has all succeeded about as well as that row, and they sarch no farther. They snicker at my graftin, and I laugh in my sleeve, I guess, at their penetra- tion. Now, Marm Pugwash is like the Minister's apples, very temptin fruit to look at, but desperate sour. If Pugwash had a watery mouth when he married, I guess its pretty puckery by this time. However, if she goes to act ugly, I'll give her a dose of *soft sawder,' that will take the frown out of her frontispiece, and make her dial-plate as smooth as a lick of copal varnish. Its a pity she's such a kickin' devil, too, for she has good points — good eye — good foot — neat pastern — fine chest — a clean set of limbs, and carries a good . But here we are, now you'll see what * soft sawder' will do. When we entered the house, the travellers' room was all in darkness, and on opening the opposite door into the sitting room, we found the female part of the family extin- guishing the fire for the night. Mrs. Pugwash had a broom in her hand, and was in the act (the last act of female housewifery) of sweeping the hearth. The strong flicker- ing light of the fire, as it fell upon her tall fine figure and beautiful face, revealed a creature worthy of the Clock- maker's comments. Good evening, Marm, said Mr. Slick, how do you do and how's Mr. Pugwash? Pie, said she, why he's been abed this hour, you don't expect to disturb him this time of night I hope. Oh no, said Mr. Slick, certainly not, and I am sorry to have disturbed ,you, but we got detained longer ^J^^fP' C^hu-'tz^'?^ ^f ;/^//y^<^/f^^^Sam, you don't know every thing, I guess, you hant cut your wisdom teeth yet, and you are goin among them that's had 'cm through their gums this while past. Well, when we gets to the races, father he gets colt and puts him in an old THE DANCING MASTER ABROAD. 75 waggon, with a worn-oat Dutch harness, and breast band , he looked Uke Old Nick that's a fact. Then he fastened a head martingale on, and buckled it to the girths atwixt his fore legs. Says I, father, what on airth are you at. I vow I feel ashamed to be seen with such a catamaran as that, and colt looks like old Saytan himself — no soul would know him. I guess I warn't born yesterday, says he, let me be, I now what I am at. I guess I'll slip it into 'em afore I've done, as slick as a whistle. I guess I can see as far into a millstone as the best on 'em. Wellj father never entered the horse at all, but stood by and seed the races, and the winnin horse was followed about by the matter of two or three thousand people a praisin of him and admirin him. They seemed as if they never had seed a horse afore. The owner of him was all up on eend a boastin of him, and a stumf in the course to produce a horse t6 run agin him for four hundred dollars. Father goes up to him, lookin as soft as dough, and as meechin as you please, and says he, friend, it tante every one that has four hundred dollars — its a plaguy sight of money, I tell you ; would you run for one hundred dollars, and give me a little start ? if you would, I'd try my colt out of my old waggon agin you, I vow. Let's look at your horse, says he ; so away they went, and a proper sight of people arter them to look at colt, and when they seed him they sot up such a larf, I felt een a most ready to cry for spite. Says I to myself, what can possess the old man to act arter that fashion, I do believe he has taken leave of his senses. You need'nt larf, says father, he's smarter than he looks ; our Minister's old horse, Captain Jack, is reck- oned as quick a beast of his age as any in our location, and that are colt can beat him for a lick of a quarter of a mile quite easy — I seed it myself. Well, they larfed agin louder than before, and says father, if you dispute my word, try me ; what odds will you give '' Two to one, says the owner — 800 to 400 dollars. Well, that's a great deal of money, aint it, says father ; if I was to lose it I'd look pretty foolish would'nt I. How folks would pass their jokes at me when I went home again. You would'nt take tnat are waggon and harness for fifty dollars of it, would you 1 says he. Well, says the other, sooner than disap- 76 THE CLOCKMAKER. point you, as you seem to have set your mind on losing your money, I don't care^ if I do. - As soon as it was settled, father drives off to the stables, and then returns mounted, with a red silk pocket handker- chief tied round his head, and colt a looking like himself, as proud as a nabob, chock full of spring like the wire eend of a bran new pair of trowser gallusses — one said that's a plaguy nice lookin colt that old feller has arter all; that horse will show play for it yet, says a third ; and I heerd one feller say, I guess that's a regular yankee trick, a complete take in. They had a fair start for it, and off they sot, father took the lead and kept it, and won the race,' tho' it was a pretty tight scratch, for father was too old to ride colt, he was near about the matter of seventy years old. Well, when the colt was walked round after the race, there was an amazin crowd arter him, and several wanted to buy him ; but says father, how am I to get home with- out him, and what shall I do with that are waggon and harness so far as I be from Slickville. So he kept them in talk, till he felt their pulse pretty well, and at last he closed with a Southerner for 700 dollars, and we returned, having made a considerable good spec of colt. Says father to me, Sam, says he, you seed the crowd a follerin the winnin horse, when we came there, didn't you ? Yes, sir, said I, I did. Well, when colt beat him, no one fol- lered him at all, but come a crowded about kim. That's popularity, said he, soon won, soon lost — cried up sky high one minute, and deserted the next, or run down ; colt will share the same fate. He'll get beat afore long, and then he's done for. The multitude are always fickle minded. Our great Washington found that out, and the British officer that beat Buonaparte ; the bread they gave him turned sour afore he got half through the loaf. His soap had hardly stiffened afore it_ran right back to lye and grease agin. I was sarved the same way, I liked to have missed my pension — the Committee said I warn't at Bunker's hill, at all, the villans. That was a glo — ^—^ (thnks I, old boy, if you once get into that are field, you'll race longer than colt, a plaguy sight ; you'll run clear away to the fence, THE DANCING MASTER ABROAD. 77 to the far eend afore you stop, so I jist cut in and took a hand myself.) Yes, says I, you did 'em father, properly, that old waggon was a bright scheme, it led 'em on till you got 'em on the right spot, did'nt it? Says father. There's a moral, Sam, in every thing in natur. Never have nothin to do with elections, you see the valy of popu- larity in the case of that are horse — sarve the public 999 times, and the 1000th, if they don't agree with you, they desart and abuse you — see how they sarved old John Adams, see how they let Jefferson starve in his old age, see how good old Munroe like to have got right into jail, after his term of President was up. They may talk of independence, says father, but Sam, I'll tell you what independence is— and he gave his hands a slap agin his trowsers pocket, and made the gold eagles he won at the race all jingle agin — that, says he, giving them another wipe with his fist, (and winkin as much as to say do you hear that, my boy) that I callindependence. He was in great spirits, the old man, he was so proud of winnin the race, and puttin the leake into the New Yorkers — he looked all dander. Let them great hungry, ill favoured, long legged bitterns, says he, (only he called them by another name that don't sound quite pretty) from the outlandish states to Congress, talk about independence ; but Sam, said he, (hitting the shiners agin till he made them dance right up an eend in his pocket) / like to feel it. No, Sam, said he, line the pocket well first, make that independent, and then the spirit will be like a horse turned out to grass in the spring, tor the first time ; he's all head and tail, a snortin and kickin and racin and carrying on like mad — it soon gets independent too. While it's in the stall it may hold up, and paw, afifi whiner, and feel as spry as any thing, but the leather strap keeps it to the manger, and the lead weight to the eend of it makes' it hold down its head at last. No, says he, here's independence, and he gave the eagles such a drive with his fist, he bust Iiis pocket, and sent a whole raft of them a spinnin down his leg to the ground. Says I, Father, (and I swear I could hardly keep from larfin, he looked so peskily vexed) Father, says I, I guess there's a moral in that are too — Extremes nary way are none o' the best. Well, well, says 7* 78 THE CLOCKMAKER. he, (kinder snappishly) I suppose you're half right, Sam, but we've said enough about it, lets drop the subject and see if I have picked em all up, for my eyes are none of the best now, I'm near hand to seventy. CHAPTER XVI. MR. SLICK'S OPINION OF THE BRITISH. What success had you, said I, in the sale of your (/locks among the Scotch in the eastern part of the Pro- vince? do you find them as gullible as the blue-noses? Well, said he, you have heerd tell that a Yankee never answers one question, without axing another, havent you ? Did you ever see an English Stage Driver make a bow ? because if you hante obsarved it, I have, and a queer one it is, I swan. He brings his right arm up, jist across his face, and passes on, with a knowin nod of his head, as much as to say, how do you do : but keep clear o' my wheels, or I'll fetch your horses a lick in the mouth as sure as you're born ; jist as a bear puts up his paw to fend off the blow of a stick from his nose. Well, that's the way I pass them are bare breeched Scotchmen. Lord, if they were located down in these here Cumberland mashes, how the musquitoes would tickle them up, would'nt they ? They'd set 'em scratchin thereabouts, as an Irish- man does his head, when he's in sarch of a lie. Them are fellers cut their eye teeth afore they ever sot foot in this country, I expect. When they get a bawbee, they know what to do with it, that's a fact ; they open their pouch and drop it in, and its got a spring like a fox-trap — it holds fast to all it gets, like grim death to a dead nig- ger. They are proper skin flints, you may depend. Oat- meal is no great shakes at best ; it tante even as good for a horse as real yaller Varginy corn, but I guess I warnt long in finding out that the grits hardly pay for the-riddlin No, a Yankee has as little chance among them as a .TeA\ /las in New England ; the sooner he clears out the better MR. slick's OPIXION, ETC. 79 You can no more put a leake into them, than you can send a chisel into Teake-wood — it turns the edge of the tool the first drive. If the blue-noses knew the value of money as well as they do, they'd have more cash, and fewer clocks and tin reflectors, I reckon. Now, its different with the Irish ; they never carry a puss, for they never have a cent to put in it. They are always in love or in liquor, or else in a row ; they are the merriest shavers I ever seed. Judge Beeler, I dare say you have heerd tell of him — he's a funny feller — he put a notice over his factory gate at Lowell, ' no cigars or Irish- men admitted within these walls ;' for, said he, the one will set a flame agoin among my cottons, and t'other an .ong my galls. I wont have no such inflammable and dangerous things about me on no account. When the British wanted our folks to join in the treaty to chock the wheels of the slave trade, I recollect hearin old John Adams say, we had ought to humour them ; for, says he, they supply us with labour on easier terms, by shippin out the Irish. Says he, they work better, and they work cheaper, and they dont live so long. The blacks, when they are past work, hang on for ever, and a proper bill of expence they be ; but hot weather and new rum rub out the poor rates for tother ones. The English are the boys for tradin with ; they shell out their cash ijke a sheaf of wheat in frosty weather — it flies all over the thrashin floor ; but then they are a cross grain- ed, ungainly, kicken breed of cattle, as I een a most ever seed. Whoever gave them the name of John Bull, knew what he was about, I tell you ; for they are all bull-necked, bull-headed folks, I vow ; sulky, ugly tempered, vicious critters, a pawin and a roarin the whole time, and plaguy onsafe unless well watched. They are as head-strong as mules, and as conceited as peacocks. The astonishment with which I heard this ^tirade against my countrymen, absorbed every feeling of resentment. I listened with amazement at the perfect composure with which he uttered it. He treated it as one of those self- evident truths, that need neither proof nor apology, but as a thing well known and admitted by all mankind. There's no richer sight that I know of, said he, than to 80 THE CLOCKMAKER. see one on 'em when he first lands in one of our great cities. He swells out as big as a balloon,- his skin is ready to burst with wind — a regular walking bag of gas ; and he prances over the pavement like a bear over hot iron — a great awk- ward hulk of a feller, (for they aint to be compared to the French in manners) a smirkin at you, as much as to say, * look here, Jonathan, here's an Englishman ; here's a boy that's got blood as pure as a Norman pirate, and lots of the blunt of both kinds, a pocket full of one, and a mouthful of tother : beant he lovely V and then he looks as fierce as a tiger, as much as to say, * say boo to a goose, if you dare.' No, I believe we may stump the univarse ; we improve on every thing, and we have improved on our own species. You'll search one while, I tell you, afore you'll find a man that, take him by and large, is equal to one of our free and enlightened citizens. He's the chap that has both speed; wind, an^d bottom ; he's clear grit — ginger to the back bone, you may depend. Its generally allowed there aint the beat of them to be found any where. Spry as a fox, supple as an eel, and cute as a weasel. Though I say it, that shouldn't say it, they fairly take the shine off creation — they are actilly equal to cash. He looked like a man who felt that he had expressed himself so aptly and so well, that any thing additional would only weaken its effect; he therefore changed the conversation immediately, by pointing to a tree at some lit- tle distance from the house, and remarking that it was the rock maple or sugar tree. Its a pretty tree, said he, and a profitable one too to raise. It will bear tapping for many years, tho' it gets exhausted at last. This Province is like that are tree: it is tapped till it begins to die at the top, and if they dont drive in a spile and stop the everlastin flow of the sap, it will perish all together. All the money that's made here, all the interest that's paid on it, and a pretty considerable portion of rent too, all goes abroad for investment, and the rest is sent to us to buy bread. It's drained like a bog, it has opened and covered trenches all through it, and then there's others to the foot of the upland to cut off the springs. Now you may make even a bog too dry ; you may take MR. slick's OPINIOX, ETC. 81 the moisture out to that degree, that the very sile becomes dust, and blows away. The English funds, and our banks, railroads, and canals, are all absorbing your capital like a spunge, and will lick it up as fast as you can make it. That very bridge we heerd of at Windsor, is owned in New Brunswick, and will pay toll to that province. The capitalists of Nova Scotia treat it like a hired house, they wont keep it in repair ; they neither paint it to presarve the boards, nor stop a leak to keep the frame from rottin ; but let it go to wrack sooner than drive a nail or put in a pane of glass. It will sarve our turn out, they say. There's neither spirit, enterprise, nor patriotism here ; but the whole country is as inactive as a bear in winter, that does nothin but scroutch up in his den, a thinkin to himself, " Well, if I ant an unfortunate divil, it's a pity ; I have a most splendid warm coat as are a gentleman in these here woods, let him be who he will ; but I got no socks to my feet, and have tg sit for everlastingly a suckin of my paws to keep 'em warm ; if it warn't for that, I guess I'd make some o' them chaps that have hoofs to their feet and horns to their heads, look about them pretty sharp, I know\ It's dismal, now aint it ?" If I had the framin of the Gover- nor's message, if I wouldn't show 'em how to put timber to- gether you may depend ; I'd make them scratch their heads and stare, I know. I went down to Matanzas in the Fulton Steam Boat once — well it was the first of the kind they ever seed, and pro- per scared they were to see a vessel without sails or oars, goin right straight ahead, nine knots an hour, in the very wind's eye, and a great streak of smoke arter her as long as the tail of a comet. I believe they thought it was Old Nick alive, a treatin himself to a swim. You could see the niggers a clippin it away from the shore, for dear life, and the soldiers a movin about as if they thought that we were agoin to take the whole country. Presently a little, half-starved, orange coloured looking Spanish officer, all dressed off in his livery, as fine as a fiddle, came off with two men in a boat to board us. Well, we yawed once or twice, and motioned to him to keep off for fear he should get hurt ; but he came right on afore the wheel, and I hope I may be shot if the paddle didn't strike the bow of the boat 82 THE CLOCKMAKER. with that force, it knocked up the starn like a plank tilt, when one of the boys playing on it is heavier than t'other, and chucked him right atop of the wheel house — you never see'd a fellow in such a dundermeht in your life. He had picked up a little English from seein our folks there so much, and when he got up, the first thing he said was, * Damn all sheenery, I say, where's my boat V and he look- ed round as if he thought it had jumped on board too. Your boat, said the Captain, why I expect it's gone to the bottom, and your men have gone down to look arter it, for we never see'd or heerd tell of one or t'other of them arter the boat was struck. -Yes, I'd make 'em stare Hke that are Spanish officer, as if they had see'd out of their eyes for the first time. Governor Campbell didn't expect to see such a country as this when he came here, I reckon, I know he didn't. When I was a little boy, about knee high or so, and lived down Connecticut river, mother used to say, Sam, if you don't give over acting so like old Scratch, I'll send you off to Nova Scotia, as sure as you are born, I will, I vow. Well, Lord, how that are used to frighten me ; it made my hair stand right up on eeiid, like a cat's back when she's wrathy ; it made me drop it as quick as wink — like a tin night cap put on a dipt candle agoin to bed, it put the fun right out. Neighbour Dearborn's darter married a gentle- man to Yarmouth, that speculates in the smuggling line : well when ^he went on board to sail down to Nova Scotia, all her folks took on as if it was a funeral ; they said she was goin to be buried alive, like the nuns in Portengale that get a frolickin, break out of the pastur, and race off, and get catched and brought back agin. Says the old Colonel, her father, Deliverance, my dear, I would sooner foller you to your grave, for that would be an eend to your troubles, than to see you go off to that dismal country, that's nothin but an iceburg aground ; and he howled as loud as ^n Irishman that tries to wake his wife when she is dead. Awful accounts we have of the country, that's a fact ; but if the Province is not so bad as they make it out, the folks are a thousafiH times worse. You've seen a flock of partridges of a frosty mornin in the fall, a crowdiu out of the shade to a sunny spot, and MR. SLICKS OPINION, ETC. 83 liaddlin up there in the warmth — well, the blue-noses have nothin else to do half the time but sun themselves. Whose fault is that ? Why its the fault of the legislature ? they dorCt encourage internal improvement, nor the investment of capital in the country ; and the result is apathy, inaction, and poverty. They spend three months in Halifax, and what do they do ? Father gave me a dollar once, to go to the fair at Hartford, and when I came back, says he, Sam, what have you got to show for it ? Now I ax what have they to show for their three months' setting ? They mislead folks ; they make 'em believe all the use of the Assembly is to bark at Councillors, Judges, Bankers, and such cattle, to keep 'em from eatin up the crops, and it actilly costs more to feed them when they are watchin, than all the others could eat if they did break a fence, and get in. Indeed, some folks say they are the mo^t breachy of the two, and ought to go to pound themselves. If their fences are good, them hungry cattle couldn't break through ; and if they aint, they ought to stake 'em up, and with them well ,' but iVs no use to make fences unless the land is culti- vated. If I see a farm all gone to wrack, I say here's bad husbandry and bad management ; and if I see a Province like this, of great capacity, and great natural resources, poverty-stricken, I say, there's bad legislation. No, said he, (with an air of more seriousness than I had yet observed,) hoio much it is to be regretted, that, laying aside personal attacks and petty Jealousies, they would unite as one man, and with one mind and one heart apply them selves sedulously to the internal improvement and develop meat of this beautiful Province. Its value is utterly unknown, cither to the general or local Government, and the only persons who duly appreciate it, are the Yankees. 84 THE CLOCKMAKER. CHAPTER XVII. A V^ANFEE HANDLE FOR A HALIFAX BLADE. I MET a man this mornin, said the Clockmaker, from Halifax, a real conceited lookin critter as you een a most ever seed, all shines and didos. He looked as if he had picked up his airs arter some officer of the regilars had worn 'em out and cast 'em off. They sot on him like se- cond-hand clothes, as if they had'nt been made for him and did'nt exactly fit. He looked fine, but awkward, like a captain of militia, when -he gets his uniform on, to play sodger ; a thinkin himself mighty handsum, and that all the world is a lookin at him. He marched up and down afore the street door like a peacock, as large as life and twice as natural ; he had a riding whip in his hand, and every now and then struck it agin his thigh, as much as to say, Aint^that a splendid leg for a boot, now ? Won't I as- tonish the Amherst folks, that's all ? Thinks I you are a pretty blade, aint you ? I'd like to fit a Yankee handle on to you, that's a fact. When I came up, he held up his head near about as high as a shot factory, and stood with liis fists on his hips, and eyed me from head to foot, as a shakin quaker does a town lady : as much as to say, what a queer critter you be, that's toggery I never seed afore, you're some carnal minded maiden, that's sartain. Well, says he to me, with the air of a man that chucks a cent into a beggar's hat, a fine day this, sir. Do you ^ actilly think so? said I, and I gave it the real Connecticut . drawl. Why, said he, quite short, if I did'nt think so, I would'nt say so. Well, says I, I don't know, but if I did think so, I guess I would'nt say so. Why not ? says he — Because, I expect, says I, any fool could see that as well as me ; and then I stared at him, as much as to say, now if you like that are swap, I am ready to trade with you agin as soon as you like. Well, he turned right round on his heel and walked off, a whistlin Yankee Doodle to him- ^YHITE JBERT ,vj U-yj<:-: {^UKUytAM.^ L, UA ■ of Si 71 Cl/21T : yt" J/a^n^{'-cyJ^lSzri-a/e^y/ip^ PhiladdphiM.; Tublished ly Luzdsaji d: SlaJciston A YANKEE HANDLE, ETC. 85 self. He looked jist like a man that finds whistlin a plaguy sight easier than thinkin. Presently, I heard him ax the groom who that are Yankee lookin feller was. That, said the groom ; why, I guess its Mr. Slick. Sho ! ! said he, how you talk. What, Slick the Clockmaker, why it ant possible ; I wish I had a known that are afore, I declare, for I have a great curiosity to see hinif folks say he is amazin clever feller that — and he turned and stared, as if it was old Hickory himself. Then he walked round and about like a pig round the fence of a potatoe field, a watchin for a chance to cut in ; so, thinks I, I'll jist give him something to talk about, when he gets back to the city, I'll fix a Yankee handle on to him in no time. How's times to Halifax, sir, said I. — better, says he, much better, business is done on a surer bottom than it was, and things look bright agin. So does a candle, say I, jist afore it goes out ; it burns up ever so high, and then sinks right down, and leaves nothin behind but grease, and an everlastin bad smell. I guess they don^t know how to feed their lamp, and it can't burn long on ncfthin. No, sir, the jig is up with Halifax, and it's all their own fault. If a man sits at his door, and sees stray cattle in his field, a eatin up of his crop, and his neighbours a cartin off his grain, and won't so much as go and drive 'em out, why I should say it sarves him right. I don't exactly understand, sir, said he — thinks I, it would be strange if you did, for I never see one of your folks yet that could understand a hawk from a handsaw. Well, says I, I will tell you what I mean — draw a line from Cape Sable to Cape Cansoo, right thro' the Province, and it will split it into two, this way, and I cut an apple mto two halves ; now, says I, the worst half, like the rotten half of the apple, belongs to Halifax, and the other and sound half belongs to St. John. Your side of the province on the sea-coast is all stone — I never seed such a proper sight of rocks in my life, its enough to starve a rabbit. Well, tother side on the Bay of Fundy is a superfine country, there aint the beat of it to be found any where. Now, would'nt the folks living away up to the Bay be pretty fools to go to Halifax, when they can go to St. John 8 8S« THE CLOCKMAKER. with half the trouble. St. John is the natural capital of the Bay of Fundy, it will be the largest city in America, next to New York. It has an immense back country as big as Great Britain, a first chop river, and amazin sharp folks, most as cute as the Yankees — its a splendid location for business. Well, they draw all the produce of the Bay shores, and where the produce goes the supplies return — it will take the whole trade of the Province ; I guess your rich folks will find they've burnt their fingers, they've put their foot in it, that's a fact. Houses without tenants — wharves without shipping, a town without people — what a grand investment ! ! If you have any loose dollars, let 'em out on a mortgage in Halifax, that's the security — lieep clear of the country for your life — the people may run, but the town can't. No, take away the troops, and you're done — you'll sing the dead march folks did at Louisburg and Shelburne. Why you hant got a single thing worth havin, but a good harbour, and as for that the coast is full on 'em. You hav'nt a pine log, a spruce board, or a refuse shingle ; you neither raise wheat, oats, or hay, nor never can ; you have no staples on airth, unless it be them iron ones for the padlocks in Bridewell — you've sowed pride, and reaped poverty, take care of your crop, for it's worth harvestin — you have no river and no country, what in the name of fortin have you to trade on 1 But, said he, (and he showed the whites of his eyes like a wall-eyed horse) but, said he, Mr. Slick, how is it, then, Halifax ever grew at all, has'nt it got what it always had ; it'^s no worse than it was. I guess, said I, that pole aint strong enough to bear you, neither ; if you trust to that you'll be into the brook, as sure as you are born ; you once had the trade of the whole Province, but St. John has run off with that now — you've lost all but your trade in blue berries and rabbits with the niggers at Hammond Plains. You've lost your customers, your rivals have a better stand for business — they%e got the corner store— four great streets meet there , and its near the market slip. Well, he stared ; says he, I believe you're right, but I never thought of that afore ; (thinks I, nobody ever suspect you of the trick of thinkin, that ever I heerd tell of;) some of our great men, said he, laid it all to your folks, selling A YANKEE HANDLE, ETC. 87 SO many Clocks and Polyglot Bibles, they say you have taken off a horrid sight of money. Did they, indeed, said I ; well, I guess it tante pins and needles that's the expense of house-keepin, it is something more costly than that. Well some folks say its the Banks, says he. Better still, says I, perhaps you've hearn tell too, that greasing the axle makes a gig harder to draw, for there's jist about as much sense in that. Well then, says he, others say it's smugglin has made us so poor. That guess, said I, is most as good as tother one, whoever found out that secret ought to get a patent for it, for its worth knowin. Then the country has grown poorer, has'nt it, because it has bought cheaper this year than it did the year before ? Why, your folks are cute chaps, I vow ; they'd puzzle a Philadel- phia Lawyer, they are so amazin knowin. Ah, said he, and he rubb'd his hands and smiled like a young doctor, when he gets his first patient ; ah, said he, if the timber duties are altered, down comes St. John, body and breeches, it's built on a poor foundation — its all show — they are speculatin like mad — they'll ruin themselves. Says I, If you wait till they're dead, for your fortin, it will be one while I tell you, afore you pocket the shiners. Its no joke waitin for a dead man's shoes. Suppose an old feller of eighty was to say when that are young feller dies, I'm to inherit his property, what would you think? Why, I guess you'd think he was an old fool. No, sir, if the English don't want their timber we do want it all, we have used ourn up, we hant got a stick even to whittle. If the British dont offer we will, and St. John, like a dear little weeping widow, will dry up her tears, and take to frolickin agin and accept it right off. There is'nt at this moment such a location hardly in America, as St. John ; for beside all its other advantages, it has this great one, its only rival, Halifax, has got a dose of opium that will send it snoring out of the world, like a feller who falls asleep on the ice of a winter's night. It j^as been asleep so long, I actilly think it never will wake. Its an easy death too, you may rouse them up if you like, but t vow I wont. I once br >ught a feller too that was drowned, and one night he got drunk and quilted me, I could'nt walk for a week ; says I, Youre the last chap Vl\ 88 THE CLOCKMAKER. ever save from drowning in all my born days, if that's all the thanks I get for it. No, sir, Halifax has lost the run of its custom. Who does Yarmouth trade with ? St. John. Who does Annapolis County trade with ? St. John. Who do all the folks on the Basin of Mines, and Bay Shore, trade with ? St. John. Who does Cumberland trade with 1 St. John. Well, Pictou, Lunenburg, and Liverpool supply themselves, and the rest that aint wort havin, trade with Halifax. They take down a few half-starved pigs, old viteran geese, and long legged fowls, someram mutton and tuf beef, and swap them for tea, sugar, and such little notions for their old women to home ; while the raih'oads and canals of St. John are goin to cut off your Gulf Shore trade to Miramichi, and along there. Flies live in the sum- mer and die in winter, you're jist as noisy in war as those little critters, but you sing small in peace. No, your done for, you are up a tree, you may depend, pride must fall. Your town is like a ball room arter a dance. The folks have eat, drank, and frolicked, and left an empty house ; the lamps and hangings are left, but the people are gone. Is there no remedy for this ? said he, and he looked as wild as a Cherokee Indian. Thinks I, the handle is fitten on proper tight now. Well, says I, when a man has a cold, he had ought to look out pretty sharp, afore it gets seated on his lungs ; if he don't, he gets'into a gallopin consumption, and it's gone goose with him. There is a remedy, if applied in time : make a railroad to Minas Basin, and you have a way for your customers to get to you, and a conveyance for your goods to them. When I was in New York last, a cousin of mine, Hezekiah Slick, said to me, I do believe, Sam, I shall be ruined ; I've lost all my custom, they are widening and improving the streets, and there's so many carts and people to work in it, folks can't come to my shop to trade, what on airth shall I do and I'm payin a dreadful high rent, too? Stop Ki, says J, when the street is all finished off" and slicked up, they'll all come back agin, and a whole raft more on 'em too, you'll sell twice as much as ever you did, you'll put off a proper swad of goods next year, you may depend ; and so ne did, he made money, hand over hand. A railroad will A YAXKEE HANDLE, ETC. 89> bring back your customers, if done right off; but wait till trade has made new channels, and fairly gets settled in them, and you'll never divart it agin to all etarnity. When a feller waits till a gall gets married, I guess it will be too late to pop the question then. St. John must go ahead, at any rate ; you may, if you choose, but you must exert yourselves, I tell you. If a man has only one leg, and wants to walk, he must get an artificial one. If you have no river, make a railroad, and that will supply its place. But, says he, Mr. Slick, people said it never will pay in the world, they say it's as mad a scheme as the canal. Do they, indeed, says I ; send them to me then, and I'll fit the handle on to them in tu tu's. I say it will pay, and the best proof is, our folks will take tu thirds of the stock. Did you ever hear any one else but your folks, ax whether a dose of medicine would pay when it was given to save life 1 If that everlastin long Erie canal can secure to New York the supply of that far off country, most tother side of creation, surely a railroad of forty-five miles can give you the trade of the Bay of Fundy. A rail- road will go from Halifax to Windsor and make them one town, easier to send goods from one to tother, than from Governor Campbell's House to Admiral Cockburn's. A bridge makes a town, a river makes a town, a canal makes a town, but a railroad is bridge, river, thoroughfare, canal, all in one ; what a whappin large place that would make, would'nt it? It would be the dandy, that's a fact. No, when you go back, take a piece of chalk, and the first dark night, write on every door in Halifax, in large letters — a railroad — and if they don't know the meanin of it, says you it's a Yankee word ; if you'll go to Sam Slick, the Clockmaker, the chap that fixed a Yankee handle on to a Halifax blade, (and I made him a scrape of my leg, as much as to say that's you,) every man that buys a Clock shall hear all bout a Railroad. 8* ^' THE CLOCKMAKER. CHAPTER XVIII. THE GRAHAMITE AND THE IRISH PILOT. I THINK, said I, this is a happy country, Mr. Slick The people are fortunately all of one origin, there are n national jealousies to divide, and no very violent politics to agitate them. They appear to be cheerful and contented, and are a civil, good-natured, hospitable race. Considering the unsettled state of almost every part of the world. I think I would as soon cast my lot in Nova Scotia as in any part I know of. Its a clever country, you may depend, said he, a very clever country ; full of mineral wealth, aboundin in superior water privileges and noble harbours, a large part of it prime land, and it is in the very heart of the fisheries. But the folks put me in mind of a sect in our country they call the Grahamites — they eat no meat and no exciting food, and drink nothin stronger than water. They call it Philosophy (and that is such a pretty word it has made fools of more folks than them afore now ;) but I call it tarnation non- sense. I once travelled all through the State of Maine with one of them are chaps. He was as thin as a whippin post. His skin looked like a blown bladder arter some of the air had leaked out, kinder wrinkled and rumpled like, and his eye as dim as a lamp that's livin on a short allow- ance of ile. He put me in mind of a pair of kitchen tongs, all legs, shaft, and head, and no belly; a real gander gutted lookin critter, as holler as a bamboo walkin cane, and twice tts yaller. He actilly looked as if he had been picked off a rack at sea, and dragged through a gimlet hole. He was a lawyer. Thinks I, the Lord a massy on your clients, you hungry, half-starved lookin critter, you, you'll eat 'em Dp alive as sure as the Lord made Moses. You are just the chap to strain at a gnat and swallow a camel, tank, shank, and flank, all at a gulp. Well, when we came to an inn, and a bccf-steak was suL afore us for dinner, he'd say : Oh, that is too good for me. THE GRAHAMITE, ETC. 91 it's too exciting ; all fat meat is diseased meat — give me some bread and cheese. Well, I'd say, I dont know what you call too good, but it tante good enough for me, for I call it as tuf as laushong, and that will bear chawing all day. When I liquidate for my dinner, I like to get about the best that's goin, and I ant a bit too well pleased if don't. Exciting indeed ! ! thinks I. Lord, I should lik to see you excited, if it was only for the fun of the thing What a temptin lookin critter you'd be among the galls wouldn't you ? Why, you look like a subject the doctor boys had dropped on the road arter they had dug you up, and had cut stick and run for it. Well, when tea came, he said the same thing, it's too exciting, give me some water, do ; that's follerin the law of natur. Well, says I, if that's the case you ought to eat beef; why, says he, how do you make out that are pro position ? Why, says I, if drinking water, instead of tea is natur, so is eatin grass according to natur ; now all flesh is grass, we are told, so you had better eat that and call it vegetable ; like a man I once seed, who fasted on fish on a Friday, and when he had done, whipped a leg o' mut- ton into the oven and took it out fish ; says he it's * changed plaice^' that's all, and ' plaice^ aint a bad fish. The Catho- lics fast enough, gracious knows, but then they fast on a great rousin big salmon at two dollars and forty cents a pound, and lots of old Madeira to make it float light on the stomach ; there is some sense in mortifying the appetite arter that fashion, but plagy little in your way. No, says I, friend, you may talk about natur as you please, I've studied natur all my life, and I vow if your natur could speak out, it would tell you, it don't over half like to be starved arter that plan. If you know'd as much about the marks of the mouth as I do, you'd know that you have car- niverous as well as graniverous teeth, and that natur meant by that, you should eat most anything that are door-keeper, your nose, would give a ticket to, to pass into your mouth. Father rode a race at New York course, when he was near hand to seventy, and that's more nor you'll do, I guess, and he eats as hearty as a turkey cock, and he never con- fined himself to water neither, when he could get any thing convened him better. Says he, Sam, grandfather Slick 92 THE CLOCKMAKER. used to say there was an old proverb in Yorkshire, * a full belly makes a strong back,' and 1 guess if you try it, natur will tell you so too. If ever you go to Connecticut, jist call into father's, and he'll give you a real right down ge- nuine New-England breakfast, and if that don't happify your heart, then my name's not Sam Slick. It will make you feel about among the stifTest, I tell you. It will blow your jacket out like a pig at sea. You'll have to shake a reef or two out of your waistbfins and make good stowage, I guess, to carry it all under hatches. There's nothin like a good pastur to cover the ribs, and make the hide shine, depend on't. Now this Province is like that are Grahamite lawyer's beef, it's too good for the folks that's in it ; they either don't avail its value or wont use it, because work aint arter their * law of natur.' As you say, they are quiet enough (there's worse folks than the blue-noses, too, if you come to that,) and so they had ought to be quiet, for they have nothin to fight about. As for politics, they have nothin to desarve the name ; but they talk about it, and a plaguy sight of nonsense they do talk too. Now with us the country is divided into two parties, of the mammoth breed, the ins and the outs, the administra- tion and the opposition. But where's the administration here 1 Where's the War Office, the Foreign Office, and the Home Office? where's the Secretary of the Navy? Where's the State Bank? where's the Ambassadors and Diplomatists (them are the boys to wind off a snarl of rav- ellins as slick as if it were on a reel) and where's that Ship of State, fitted up all the way from the forecastle clean up to the starn post, chock full of good snug berths, hand- somely found and furnished, tier over tier, one above anoth- er, as thick as it can hold ? That's a helm worth handlen I tell you ; I don't wonder that folks mutiny below, and fight on the decks above for it — it makes a plaguy uproar the whole time, and keeps the passengers for everlastingly m a state of alarm for fear they'd do mischief by bustin tho-byler, a runnin aground, or gettin foul of some other craft. This Province is better as it is, quieter and happier far ; they have berths enough and big enough, they should be THE GRAHAMITE, ETC. 93 careful not to increase 'em ; and if they were to do it over agin, perhaps they'd be as well with fewer. They have two parties here, the Tory party and the Opposition party, and both on 'em run to extremes. Them radicals, says one, are for levellin all down to their own level, tho' not a peg lower ; that's their gage, jist down to their own notch and no further ; and they'd agitate the whole coun- try to obtain that object, for if a man can't grow to be as tall as his neighbour, if he cuts a few inches off him why then they are both of one heighth. They are a most dangerous, disaffected people — they are eternally appealin to the worst passions of the mob. Well, says tother, them aristocrats, they'll ruinate the country, they spend the whole revenu on themselves. What with Bankers, Councillors, Judges, Bishops, and Public Officers, and a whole tribe of Lawyers, as hungry as hawks, and jist about as marciful, the country is devoured, as if there was a flock of locusts a feedin on it. There's nothin lefl for roads and bridges. When a chap sets out to canvass, he's got to antagonise one side or tother. If he hangs on to the powers that be, then he's a Council -man, he's for votin large salaries, for doin as the great people at Halifax tell him. He is a fool. If he is on tother side, a railin at Banks, Judges, Lawyers, and such cattle, and baulin for what he knows he can't get, then he is a rogue. So that, if you were to listen to the weak and noisy critters on both sides, you'd believe the House of Assembly was one-half rogues and tother half fools. All this arises from ignorance. ]f they knew more of each other, I guess they^d lay aside one-half their fears and all their abuse. The upper classes donH know one-half the virtue thafs in the middlin and lower classes, and they donH know one-half the integrity and good feelin that's in the others, and both are fooled and gulled by their own noisy and designin champions. Take any two men tha are by the ears, they opinionate all they hear of each other impute all sorts of onworthy motives, and misconstrue every act ; let them see more of each other, and they'll find out to their surprise, that they have not only been lookin through a magnifying glass that warnt very true, but a coloured one also, that changed the complexion, and distorted the features, and each one will think tother a very 94 THE CLOCKMAKER. good kind of chap, and like asj not a plaguy pleasant one too. If I was axed which side was farthest from the mark in this Province, I vow I should be puzzled to say. As 1 don't belong to the country, and don't care a snap of my finger for either of 'em, I suppose I can judge better than any man in it, but I snore I don't think there's much dif- ference. The popular side (I wont say patriotic, for we find in our steam-boats a man who has a plaguy sight of property in his portmanter is quite as anxious for its safety as him that's only one pair of yarn stockings and a clean shirt, is for hisn) the popular side are not so well informed as tother, and they have the misfortin of havin their pas- sions addressed more than their reason, therefore they are often out of the way, or rather led out of it, and put astray by bad guides ; well, tother side have the prejudices of birth and education to dim their vision, and are alarmed to undertake a thing, from the dread of ambush, or open foes, that their guides are eternally descrying in the mist — and heside power has a nateral tendency to corpulency. As for them guides, I'd make short work of 'em if it was me. In the last wajr with Britain, the Constitution frigate was close in once on the shores of Ireland, a lookin arter some marchant ships, and she took on board a pilot ; well, he was a deep, sly, twistical lookin chap, as you een amost ever seed. He had a sort of dark down look about him, and a leer out of the corner of one eye, like a horse that's goin to kick. The captain guessed he read in his face, * well now, if I was to run this here Yankee right slap on a rock and bilge her, the King would make a man of me for ever.' So says he to the first leftenant, reeve a rope thro' that are block at the tip eend of the fore yard, and clap a runnin nuse in it. The leftenant did it as quick as wink, and came back, and says he, I guess it's done. Now, says the Captain, look here, pilot, here's a rope you han't seed yet ; I'll jist explain the use of it to you in case you want the loan of it. If this here frigate, manned with our free and enlighted citizens, gets aground, I'll give you a ride on the slack of that are rope, right up to that yard by the neck, by Gum. Well, it rub'd all the writin out of his etter manners ; and they carried on pretty high, I tell you, Well, I got my dander up too, I telt all up on eend like ; and, thinks I to myself, my lad, if I get a clever chance, I'll give you such a quiltin as you never had since you were raised from a seedlin, I vow. So, says I, Mr. Brad- ley, I guess you had better let me be ; you know I can't fight no more than a cow — I never was brought up to wranglin, and I don't like it. Haul off the cowardly rascal, they all bawled out, haul him off, and lay it into him. So he lays right hold of me by the collar, and gives me a pull, and I lets on as if I'd lost my balance and falls right down. Then I jumps up on eend, and says I ' go ahead. Clay,' and the old horse he sets ofT ahead, so I knew I had him when I wanted him. Then says I, I hope you are satisfied now, Mr. Bradley, with that are ungenteel fall you ginn me. Well, he makes a blow at me, and I dodged it : now says I, you'll be sorry for this, I tell you ; I wont be treated this way for nothin, I'll go right off and swear my life agin you, I'm most afeard you'll murder me. Well, he strikes at me agin, (thinkin he had a genuine soft horn to deal with,) and hits me in the shoulder. Now, says I, I wont stand here to be lathered like a dog all day long this fashion, it tante pretty at all, I guess I'll give you a chase for it. Off I sets arter my horse like mad, and he arter me (I did that to get clear of the crowd, so that I might have fair play at him.) Well, I soon found I had the heels of him, and could play him as I liked. Then I slackened up a little, and when he came close up to me, so as nearly to lay his hand upon me, I squatted right whap down, all short, and he pitched over me near about a rod or so, I guess, on his head, and plow- ed up the ground with his nose, the matter of a foot oi hvo. If he didn't polish up the coulter, and both mould boards of his face, it's a pity. Now, says I, you had better lay where you be and let me go, for I am proper tired ; I blow 100 THE GLOCKMAKER. like a horse that's got the heaves ; and besides, says I, I guess you had better wash your face, for I am most a feared you hurt yourself. That ryled him properly ; I meant that it should ; so he ups and at me awful spiteful, like a bull ; then I let's him have it, right, left, right, jist three corkers, beginning with the right hand, shiftin to the left, and then-with the right hand agin. This way I did it, said the Clockmaker, (and he showed me the manner in which it was done) ; its a beautiful way of hitting, and always does the business — a blow for each eye, and one for the mouth. It sounds like ten pounds ten on a blacksmith's anvil ; I bunged up both eyes for him, and put in the dead lights in two tu's, and drew three of his teeth, quicker a plaguy sight than the Truro doctor could, to save his soul alive. Now, says I, my friend, when you recover your eye-sight, I guess you'll see your mistake — I warnt born in the woods to be scared by an owl. The next time you feel in a most particular elegant good humour, come to me, and I'll play you the second part of that identical same tune, that's a fact. With that I whistled for Old Clay, and back he comes, and I mounted and off, jist as the crowd came up. The folks looked staggered, and wondered a little grain how it was done so cleverly in short metre. If I did'nt quilt him in ho time, you may depend ; I went right slap into him, like a flash of lightning into a gooseberry bush. He found his suit ready made and fitted afore he thought he was half measured. Thinks I, friend Bradley, I hope you know yourself now, for I vow no livin soul would ; you swallowed your soup without singin out scaldins, and you're near about a pint and a half nearer crying than larfin. Yes, as I was sayin, this ' Old Clay' is a real knowin one, he's as spry as a colt yet, clear grit, ginger to the back bone ; I can't help a thinkin sometimes the breed must have come from old Kentuck, half horse half alliga- tor, with a cross of the airthquake. I hope I may be tee-totally ruinated, if I'd take eight hundred dollars for him. Go ahead, you old clinker built villain, said he, and show the gentleman how wonderful handsww you can travel. Give him the real Connecticut SISTER sall's courtship. 101 quick step. That's it — that's the way to carry the Presi- dent's message to Congress, from Washington to New York, in no time — that's the go to carry a gall from Bos- ton to Rhode Island, and trice her up to a Justice to be married, afore her father's out of bed of a summer's mornin. Aint he a beauty? a real doll? none of your Cumberland critters, that the more you quilt them, the more they wont go ; but a proper one, that will go free gratis for nothin, all out of his own head volunterri ZZ^ Yes, a horse like ' Old Clay,' is worth the whole seed, breed, and generation of them Amherst beasts put together. He's a horse every inch of him, stock, lock, and barrel, is Old Clay. CHAPTER XX. SISTER SALL'S COURTSHIP. There goes one of them are everlastin rottin poles in that bridge ; they are no better than a trap for a crit- ter's leg, said the Clockmaker. They remind me of a trap Jim Munroe put his foot in one night, that near about made one leg half a yard longer than tother. I believe I told you of him, what a desperate idle feller he was — he came from Onion County in Connecticut. AVell, he was courtin Sister Sail — she was a real handsufn look- ing gall ; you scarce ever seed a more out and out com- plete critter than she was — a fine figur head, and a beauti- ful model of a craft as any in the state, a real clipper, and as full of fun and frolic as a kitten. Well, he fairly turned Sail's head ; the more we wanted her to give him up, the more she would'nt, and we got plaguy oneasy about it, for his character was none of the best. He was a universal favourite with the galls, and tho' he did'nt be- have very pretty neither, forgetting to marry where he promised, and where he had'nt ought to have forgot, too , yet so It was, he had such an uncommon winnin way with 9* 102 THE CLOCKMAKER. him, he could talk them ,over in no time — Sail was fairly bewitched. At last, father said to him one evening when he came a courfin, Jim, says he, you'll never come to no good, if you act like old Scratch as you do ; you aint fit to come into no decent man's house, at all, and your absence would be ten times more agreeable than your company, I tell you. I won't consent to Sail's goin to them are huskin parties and quiltin frolics along with you no more, on no account, for you know how Polly Brown and Nancy White . Now don't, says he, now don't, Uncle Sam; say no more about that; if you know'd all you would'nt say it was my fault ; and besides, I have turned right about, I am on tother tack now, and the long leg, too ; I am as steady as a pump bolt, now. I intend to settle myself and take a farm. Yes, yes, and you could ; stock it, too,' by ail accounts, pretty well, unless you are inuch- Tnisieportc^d, says, father, but it won't do. I knew your'ifaUier, he was our sargeant, a proper clever and brave man he was, too ; he was one of the heroes of our glorious revolution. I had a great respect for him, and I am §orry, for his sake, you will act as you do ; but I tell you onee for all, you must give up all thoughts of Sail, now and for everlastin. When Sail heerd this, she began to nit away like mad in a desperate hurry — she looked foolish enough, that's a fact. First she tried to bite in her breath, and look as if there was nothin particular in the wind, then she blushed all over like scarlet fever, but she recovered that pretty soon, and then her colour went and came, and came and went, till at last she grew as white as chalk, and down she fell slap off her seat on the floor, in a faintin fit. I see, says father, I see it now, you etarnal villain, and he made a pull at the old fashioned sword, that always hung over the fire place, (we used to call it ©rd Bunker, for his stories always begun, ' when I was at Bunker's hill,') and drawing it out he made a clip at him as wicked as if he was stabbing a rat with a hay fork ; but Jim, he outs of the door like a shot, smd draws it too arter him, and father sends old Bunker right through the panel. I'll chop you up as fine as mince meat, you vil- lain, said he, if ever I catch you inside my door agin 103 mind what I tell you, ' you'll swing for it yet.^ Well, he made himself considerable scarce arter that, he never sot foot inside the door agin, and I thought he had ginn up all hopes of Sail, and she of him ; when one night, a most particular uncommon dark night, as I was a comin home from neighbour Dearborne's, I heerd some one a talkin under Sail's window. Well, I stops and listens, and who should be near the ash saplin but Jim Munroe, a tryin to persuade Sail to run off with him to Rhode Island to be married. It was all settled, he should come with a horse and shay to the gate, and then help her out of the window, jist at nine o'clock, about the time she commonly went to bed. Then he axes her to reach down her hand for liim to kiss, (for he was proper clever at soft sawder) and she stretches it down and he kisses it ; and says he, I believe I must have the whole of you out arter all, and gives her a jirk that kinder startled her ; it came so sudden like it made her scream ; so off he sot hot foot, and over the gate in no time. Well, I cyphered over this all night, a calculatin how I should reciprocate that trick with him, and at last I hit on a scheme. I recollected father's words at partin, ' mind what I tell yoUj you'll swing for it yet ;' and thinks I, friend Jim, I'll make that prophecy come true, yet, I guess. So the next night, jist at dark, I gives January Snow, the old nigger, a nidge with my elbow, and as soon as he looks up, I winks and walks out and he arter me — says I, Janua- ry, can you keep your tongue within your teeth, you old nigger, you 1 Why massa, why you ax that are question ? my Gor Ormity, you tink old Snow he don't know that are yet ; my tongue he got plenty room now, dcbil a tooth left, he can stretch out ever so far ; like a little leg in a big bed, he lay quiet enough, massa, nebcr fear. Well, then, says I, bend down that are ash saplin softly, you old Snowball, and make no noise. The saplin was no sooner bent than secured to the ground by a notched pes and a noose, and a slip knot was suspended from the tree, jist over the track that led from the pathway to the house. Why my Gor, massa, that's a . Hold your mug, you old nigger, says I, or I'll send your tongue a sarchin arter your teeth ; keep quiet, and follow me in presently. 104 THE CLOCKMAKER. Well, jist as it struck nine o'clock, says I, Sally, hold this here hank of twine for a minute, till I wind a trifle on it off; that's a dear critter. She sot down her candle, and I put the twine on her hands, and then I begins to wind and wind away ever so slow, and drops the ball every now and then, so as to keep her down stairs. Sam, says she, I do believe you won't wind that are twine off all night, do give it to January, I won't stay no longer, I'm een a most dead asleep. The old feller's arm is so plaguy onsteady, says I, it won't do ; but hark, what's that, I'm sure I heerd some- thing in the ash saplin, didn't you, Sail ? I heerd the geese there, that's all, says she, they always come under the win- dows at night ; but she looked scared enough, and says she, I vow I'm tired a holdin out of my arms this way, and I won't do it no longer ; and down she throw'd the hank on the floor. . Well, says I, stop one minute, dear, till I send old January out to see if any body is there ; perhaps some o' neighbour Dearborne's cattle have broke into the sarce garden. January went out, tho' Sail say'd it was no use, for she knew the noise of the geese, they always kept close to the house at night, for fear of the varmin. Presently in runs old Snow, with his hair standin up an eend, and the whites of his eyes lookin as big as the rims of a soup plate ; Oh ! Gor Ormity, said he, oh massa, oh Miss Sally, oh ! ! What on airth is the matter with you, said Sally, how you do frighten me, I vow I believe you're mad — oh my Gor, said he, oh ! massa Jim Munroe he hang himself on the ash saplin under Miss Sally's window — oh my Gor ! ! ! That shot was a settler, it struck poor Sal right atwixt wind and water ; she gave a lurch ahead, and then heeled over and sunk right down in another faintin fit ; and Juno, old Snow's wife, carried her ofT and laid her down on the bed — poor thing, she felt ugly enough, I do suppose. Well, father, I • thought he'd a fainted too, he was so struck up all of a heap, he was completely bung fungered ; dear, dear, said he, I didn't think it would come to pass so soon, but I knew it would come ; I foretold it, says I, the last time I seed him ; Jim, says I, mind what I say, yoi(''ll snring for it yet. Give me the sword I wore when I was at Bunker's hiH? i^Jay be there's life yet, I'll cut him down. The lantern was soon made ready, and out we went to the SISTER SALl'S COURvTSHIP. 105 ash saplin. Cut me down, Sam, that's a good fellow, said Jim, all the blood in my body has swashad into my head, and's a runnin out o' my nose, I'm ecn a most smothered — > be quick, for heaven's sake. The Lord be praised, said father, the poor sinner is not quite dead yet. Why, as Ym alive — well if that don't beat all natur, why he has hanged himself by one leg, and's a swingin like a rabbit upside down, that's a fact. Why, if he aint snared, Sam ; he is propei'ly wired I declare — I vow this is some o' your doins, Sam — well it was a clever scheme too, but a little grain too dangerous, I guess. Don't stand starin and jawin there all night, said Jim, cut me down, I tell you — or cut my throat, and be damned to you, for I'm choakin with blood. Roll over that are hogshead, old Snow, said I, till I get a top on it and cut him down ; so I soon released him, but he couldn't walk a bit. His ankle was swelled and sprained like ven- geance, and he swore one leg was near about six inches longer than tother. Jim Munroe, says^ father, little did I think I should ever see you inside my door agin, but I bid you enter now, we owe you that kindness, any how. Well, to make a long story short, Jim was so cha])-fallen and so down in the mouth, he begged for heaven's sake it might be kept a secret ; he said he would run the state, if ever it got wind, he was sure he couldn't staTid it. It will be one w hile, I guess, said father, afore you are able to run or stand either ; but if you will give me your hand,, Jim, and promise to give over your evil ways, I will not only keep it secret, but you shall be a welcome guest, at old Sam Slick's once more, for the sake of your father — he was a brave man, one of the heroes of Bunker's hill, he was our sarjeant and . He promises, says I, father (for the old man had stuck his right foot out, the way he always stood when he told about the old war ; and as Jim couldn't stir a peg, it was a grand chance, and he was agoin to give him the whole revolution, from General Gage up to Independence,) he promises, says I, father. Well it was all settled, and things soon grew as calm as a pan of milk two days old ; and afore a year was over, Jim was as steady agoin man as Minister Joshua Hopewell, and was married to our Sail. Nothin was ever said about the snare till arter the weddin. When the minister iiad 106 THE CLOCKMAKIJR. finished axin a blessin, father goes up to Jim, and says he, Jim Munroe, my boy, givin him a rousin slap on the shoulder that sot him a coughin for the matter of five minutes, (for he was a mortal powerful man, was father,) Jim Munroe, my boy, says he, you've got the snare round your neck, I guess now, instead of your leg ; the saplin has been a father to you, you may be the father of many saplins. We had a most special time of it, you may depend, all except the minister ; father got him into a corner, and gave him chapter and verse for the whole war. Every now and then as I come near them, I heard Bunker's Hill, Brandy- wine, Clinton, Gates, and, so on. It was broad day when we parted, and the last that went was poor minister. Father followed him clean down to the gate, and says he, Minister, we had'nt time this hitch, or I'd a told yon all about the Evakijation of New York, but I'll tell you that the next time we meet. CHAPTER XXI. SETTING UP FOR GOVERNOR. I NEVER see one of them queer little old-fashioned tea- pots, like that are in the cupboard of Marm Pugwash, said the Clockmaker, that I don't think of Lawyer Crowning- shield and his wife. When I was down to Rhode Island last, I spent an evening with them. After I had been there awhile, the black house-help brought in a little home-made dipt candle, stuck in a turnip sliced in twoj- to make it stand straight, and sot it down on the table. Why, says the Lawyer to his wife, Increase, my dear, what on earth is the meanin o' that 1 What does little Viney mean by bringin in such a light as this, that aint fit for even a log hut of one of our free and enlightened citizens away down east ; where's the lamp 1 My dear, says she, I ordered it — you know they are a goin to set you up for Governor next year^ and I allot we must economise or we will bo J SETTING UP FOR GOVERNOR. 10"^ ruined — the salary, is only four hundred dollars a year, you know, and you'll have to give up your practice — we can't aiford nothin now. Well, when tea was brought in, there was a little wee china teapot, that held about the matter of half a pint or so, and cups and sarcers about the bigness of children's toys. When he seed that, he grew most peskily ryled, his under lip curled down like a peach leaf that's got a worm in it, and he stripped his teeth and showed his grinders, like a bull dog. What foolery is this, said he? My dear, said she, it's the foolery of being Governor ; if you choose to sacrifice aJl your comfort to being the first rung in the ladder, dont blame me for it. I did'nt nomi- nate you — I had not art nor part in it. It was cooked up at that are Convention, at Town Hall. Well, he sot for some time without sayin a word, lookin as black as a thun- der cloud, just ready to make all natur crack agin. At last he gets up, and walks round behind his wife's chair, and takin her face between his two hands, he turns it up and gives her a buss that went off like a pistol — it fairly made my mouth water to see him ; thinks I, them lips ainl a bad bank to deposit one's spare kisses in, neither. In- crease, my dear, said he, I believe you are half right, I'll decline to-morrow, I'll have nothin to do with it — 1 wont he a Governor, on no account. Well, she had to haw and gee like, both a little, afore she could get her head out of his hands ; and then she said, Zachariah, says she, how you do act, aint you ashamed? Do for gracious sake behave yourself: and she colored up all over like a crimson piany ; if you hav'nt foozled all my hair too, that's a fact, says she ; and she put her curls to rights, and looked as pleased as fun, though poutin all the time, and walked right out of the room. Pre- sently in come two well dressed house-helps, one with a splendid gilt lamp, a real London touch, and another with a tea tray, with a large solid silver coffee-pot, and tea-pot, and a cream jug, and sugar bowl, of the same genuine metal, and a most an elegant set of real gilt china. Then in came Marm Crowningshield, herself, lookin as proud as if she would not call the President her cousin ; and she gave the Lawyer 9 look, as much as to sav, I - TRAVELLING IN AMERICA. 41 moral of feeling for you, some of these nights, I'm mistaken. Very immoral fellows, those 'skeeters. Well, said I, my first tower in the Clock-trade was up Canada way, and I was the first ever went up Huron with clocks. When I reached our fort, at Gratiot, who did I find there as commander of the party, but the son of an old American hero, a sargent at Bunker's Hill. Well, bein' the son of an old veteran hero myself, it made quite a fellowship atween us, like. He bought a clock o' me, and invited me to stay with him till a vessel arrived for Michigan. Well, in the arternoon, we went for to take tea with a gentleman that had settled near the fort, and things were sot out in an arj^our, surrounded with honeysuckle, and Isabella grape, and what not ; there was a view of the fort- from it, and that elegant lake and endless forest ; it was lovely — that's a fact ; and the birds flocked round the place, lighted on it, and sung so sweet, — I thought it was the most romantic thing I ever seed since I was a created sinner. So said I to his wife, (a German lady from one of the emigrant ships,) I prefer, said I, your band of birds to the Bowery band of New York, by a long chalk ; it's natur's music, it's most delightful, it's splendid ! Furder off, said she, I like 'em more better hash nearer; for the nasty, dirty tivils they tirt in the tay and de shuker ; look there, she said, that's de tird cup now spilte. Lord, it made me sick ! I never had any romance in me arter that. Here the English gall turned round and looked at me for a space quite hard. Said she, you are a humorous people, Mr. Slick ; you resemble the Irish very much, — you remind me greatly of that lively, light-hearted, agreeable people. Thank 30U, said I, marm, for that compliment; we are ginerally thought to resemble each other very much, both in looks and dress ; there's oflen great mistakes made when they first land from the likeness. Arter a considerable of a pause, she said. This must be a religious country, said she, ain't it ? for religion is the " high- est fact in man's right, and the root of all democracy." If religion is the root of democracy, said I, it bears some strange fruit sometimes, as the man said of the pine-tree the five gamblers were Lynched up to Vixburg. I'm glad to see, said she, you have no establishment — it's an incubus — a dead weight — a nightmare. I ain't able, said I ; I can't afford it no now ; and besides, said I, I can't get no one to have me. Them that I would have won't have me, and them that would 4# 42 THE CLOCKMAKER. have me, the devil wouldn't have, so I don't see as I'm like to be troubled with a nightmare for one while. I don't mean that, said she, laughin' ; I mean an Established Church. Oh I an Established Church, said I ; now I understand ; but when I hear ladies talk of establishments, I always think they have matrimony in their heads. The truth is, squire, I don't like to hear English people come out here, and abuse their church ; they've got a church and throve under it, and a na- tional character under it, for honour and upright deal in', such as no other people in Europe have : indeed, I could -tell you of some folks who have to call their goods English to get them off in a foreign land at all. The name sells 'em. You may boast of this tree or that tree, and call 'em this diction- ary name and that new-fangled name, but give me the tree that bears the best fruit, I say. A church must be paid, and the mode don't much signify ; at any rate, it ain't for them to abuse it, tho' other folks may choose to copy it, or let it alone, as it convenes them. Your people, said she, are in advance of the clergy ; your ministers are half men, half women, with a touch of the noodle. You'd be better without 'em ; their parochial visits do more harm than good. In that last remark, said I, I concur ; for if there's a gall in their vicinity, with a good fortin', they'll snap her up at once ; a feller has no chance with 'em. One on 'em did brother Eldad out of one hundred thousand dollars that way. I don't speak of that, said she, rather short like; but they haven't moral courage. They are not bold shepherds, but timid sheep ; they don't preach abolition, they don't meddle with public rights. As to that, said I, they don't think it right to hasten on the crisis, to preach up a servile war, to encourage the blacks to cut their masters' throats ; they think it a dangerous subject any way ; and besides, said I, they have scruples o' conscience if they ought to stir in it at all. These matters are state rights, or state wrongs, if you please, and our Northern States have no more right to interfere in 'em than they have to interfere in the affairs of any other in- dependent sovereign state in Europe. So I don't blame minis- ters much for that, arter all, — so come now. In England, says I, you maintain that they ought not to meddle with pub- lic rights, and call 'em political priests, and all that sort o' thing, and here you abuse 'em for not meddlin' with 'em ; call 'em cowards, dumb dogs, slaves to public opinion, and what not. There's no pleasin' some folks. I TRAVELLING IN AMERICA. 4^ As to religion, says I, bein' the " root of democracy," it's the root of monarchy too, and all governments, or ought to be ; and there ain't that wide difference arter all atvveen the two countries some folks think on. Government here, both in theory and practice, resides with the people ; and religion is under the care of the rael government. With you, govern- ment is in the executive, and religion is m the hands of the government there. Church and state are to a sartain extent connected therefore in both. The difference with us is, we don't prefer one and establish it, and don't render its support compulsory. Better, perhaps, if we did, for it burns pretty near out sometimes here, and has to be brought to by revivals and camp-meetins', and all sorts of excitements ; and when it does come to, it don't give a steady clear light for some time, but spits and sputters and cracks like a candle that's got a drop o' water on the wick. It don't seem kinder rational, neither, that screamin' and screechin', and hoopin' and hol- lerin', like possest, and tumblin' into faintin's, and fits, and swoons, and what not. / donH like preachirC to the narves instead of the judg- ment. — I recollect a lady once, tho', convarted by preachin' to her narves, that was an altered woman all the rest o' her days. How was that ? said she ; these stories illustrate the " science of religion." I like to hear them. There was a lady, said I, (and I thought I'd give her a story for her book,) that tried to rule her husband a little tighter than was agreea- ble, — meddlin' with things she didn't onderstand, and dictatin' in matters of politics and religion, and every thing a'most. So one day her husband had got up considerable airly in the mornin', and went out and got a tailor, and brought him into his wife's bed-room afore she was out o' bed : — " Measure that woman," said he, " for a pair of breeches ; she's detar- mined ^;o wear 'em, and I'm resolved folks shall know it," and he shook the cowskin over the tailor's head tcL show him he intended to be obeyed. It cured her, — she begged, and pray- ed, and cried, and promised obedience to her husband. He spared her, but it effectuated a cure. Now that's what I call preachirC to the narves : Lord, how she would have kicked and squeeled if the tailor had a . A very good story, said she, abowin' and amovin' a little, so as not to hear about the measurin', — a very good story indeed. If you was to revarse that maxim o' yourn, said I, and say democracy is too often found at the root of religion, you'd be 44 THE CLOCKMAKER. nearer the mark, I reckon. I knew a case once exactly in point. Do tell it to me> said she ; it will illustrate " the spirit of religion." Yes, said I, and illustrate your book too, if you are a writin' one, as most English travellers do. Our con- gregation, said I, at Slickville, contained most of the wealthy and respectable folk there, and a most powerful and united body it was. Well, there came a split once on the election of an elder, and a body of the upper-crust folks separated and went off in a huff. Like most folks that separate in temper, they laid it all to conscience ; found out all at once they had been adrift afore all their lives, and join'd another church as different from our'n in creed as chalk is from cheese ; and to show their humility, hooked on to the poorest congregation in the place. Well, the minister was quite lifted up in the stir- rups when he saw these folks gine him ; and to show his zeal for them the next Sunday, he looked up at the gallery to the niggers, and, said he, my brether'n, said he, I beg you won't spit down any more on the aisle seats, for there be gentlemen there now. Gist turn your heads, my sable friends, and let go over your shoulders. Manners, my brothers, manners be- fore backey. Well, the niggers seceded ; they said, it was an infringement on their rights, on their privilege of spittin', as freemen, where they liked, how they liked, and when they liked, and they quit in a body. " Democracy," said they, " is the root of religion." Is that a fact ? said she. No mistake, said I ; T seed it my- self ; I know 'em all. Well, it's a curious fact, said she, and very illustrative. It illustrates the universality of spittin', and the universality of democracy. It's characteristic. I have no fear of a people where the right of spittin' is held sacred from the interminable assaults of priestcraft. She laid down her trumpet, and took out her pocket-book and began to write it down. She swallar'd it all. I have seen her book since, it's gist what I expected from her. The chapter on religion strikes at the root of all religion ; and the effects of such doc- trines are exhibited in the gross slander she has written ag'in her own sex in the States, from whom she received nothin' but kindness and hospitality. I don't call that pretty at all ; it's enough to drive hospitality out of the land. I know what you allude to, said I, and fully concur with you in opinion, that it is a gross abominable slander, adopted on insufficient authority, and the more abomi«able from com- ing from a woman. Our church may be aristocratic ; but if TRAVELLING IN AMERICA. 45 it is, it teaches good manners, and a regard for the decencies of life. Had she listened more to the regular clergy, and less to the modern illuminati, she might have learned a little of that charity which induces us to think well of others, and to speak ill of none. It certainly was a gceat outrage, and I am sorry that outrage was perpetrated by an Englishwoman. I am proper glad you agree with me, squire, said he ; but come and see for yourself, and I will explain matters to you ; for without some one to let you into things you won't understand us. I'll take great pleasure in bein' your guide, for I must say I like your conversation. — How singular this is ! to the natural reserve of my country, I add an uncommon taci- turnity ; but this pecuHar adaptation to listening has every where established for me that rare, but most desirable reputa- tion, of being a good companion. It is evident, therefore, that listeners are everywhere more scarce than talkers, and are valued accordingly. Indeed, without them, what would be- come of the talkers? Yes, I like your conversation, said the clockmaker (who the reader must have observed has had all the talk to himself). We are like the Chinese ; they have two languages, the writ- ten language and the spoken language. Strangers only get as far as the spoken one"; but all secret affairs of religion and government are sealed up in the written one ; they can't make nothin' of it. That's gist the case with us ; we have two lan- guages, one for strangers, and one for ourselves. A stranger must know this, or he's all adrift. We've got our own diffi- culties, our own doubts, our own troubles, as well as other folks, — it would be strange if we hadn't ; but w^e don't choose to blart 'em all out to the world. Look at our President's Message last year ; he said, we was the most prosperous nation on the face of the airth, peace and plenty spreadin' over the land, and more wealth than we know'd how to spend. At that very time we was on the point of national bankruptcy. He said, the great fire at New York did'nt cause one failure ; good reason why, the goods were all owned at London and Lyons, and the failures took place there, and not here. Our President said on that occasion, our maxim is, " do no wrong, and suffer no insult." Well, at that very time our gineral was marchin' into the Mexican territory, and our people off South, boarded Texas and took it, — and our folks down North-east were ready to do the same neighbourly act to Canada, only waitiu' for Papeneau to say, " All ready." 46 THE CLOCKMAKER. He boasted we had no national debt^ but a large surplus reve- nue in the public chist, and yet, add up the public debt of each separate state, and see what a whappin' large one that makes. We don't intertain strangers, as the English do, with the trou- bles of our household and the bother our servants give us ; we think it ain't hospitable, nor polished, nor even good man- ners ; we keep that for the written language among ourselves. If you don't believe my word, go and ask the Britisher that was at Mr. Madison's court when the last war broke out — he was the only man to Washington that know'd nothing about it — he didn't understand the language. I guess you may go and pack up your duds and go home, said Mr. Madison to hirii one day, when he called there to the levee. Go gome ! said he, and he wrinkled up his forehead, and drew up his eyelids, as much as to say, I estimate you are mad, ain't you ? Go home ! said he. What for? Why, said he, I reckon we are at war. At war ! said the Englishman ; why, you don't say so? there can't be a word of truth in the report: my dispatches say nothin' of it. Perhaps not, said the President, quite cool, (only a slight twitch of his mouth showed how he would like to haw, haw, right out, only it warn't decent,) perhaps not, but I presume I declared war yesterday, when you was en- gaged a playin' of a game at chess with Mrs. Madison. Folks say they raelly pitied him, he looked so taken aback, so streaked, so completely dumbfounded. No, when I say you can't make us out, you always laugh ; but it's true you can't without an interpreter. We speak the English language and the American language ; you must lam the American Ian- guage, if you want to understand the American people. CHAPTER VI. ELECTIVE COUNCILS. What would be the effect, Mr. Slick, said I, of elective councils in this country, if government would consent to make the experiment ? Why, that's a thing, said he, you can't do m your form o' government, tryin' an experiment, tho' we can ; you can't give the word of command, if it turns out a bunglin' piece of business, that they use in militia trainin', — " as you were." It's dilferent with us — we can, — our govern- ELECTIVE COUNCILS. 47 ment is a democracy, — all power is in the people at large ; we can go on and change from one thing to another, and try- any experiment we choose, as often as we like, for all changes have the like result, of leaviti' the power in the same place and the same hands. But you must know beforehand how it will work in your mixed government, and shouldn't make no change you ain't sure about. What good would an elective council be 1 It is thought it would give the upper branches, said I, more community of feeling, more sympathy, and more weight with the country at large ; that being selected by the people, the people would have more confidence in them, and that more efficient and more suitable men would be chosen by the freeholders than by the crown. You would gist get the identical same sort o' critters, said he, in the eend, as the members of Assembly, if they were elected, and no better ; they would be selected by the same judges of horse-flesh as t'other, and chose out o' the same flock. It would be the same breed o' cattle at last. But, said I, you forget that it is pro- posed to raise the qualification of the voters from forty shillings to forty pounds per year ; whereby you would have a better class of electors, and insure a better selection. Gist you try it, said he, and there would be an eend to the popular motions in the House of- Assembly to extend the suffrages — for every thing that gives power to numbers, will carry numbers, and be popular, and every feller who lived on excitement, would be for everlastin'ly a agitatin' of it. Candidate, Slangwhanger, and Member. You'd have no peace, you'd be for ever on the move as our citizens are to New York, and they move into a new house every first o' May-day. If there be any good in that are Council at all, it is in their bein' placed above popular excitement, and subject to no influence but that of reason, and the fitness of things : chaps that have a consider- able stake in the country, and don't buy their seats by pledges and promises, pledges that half the time ruin the country if they are kept, and always ruin the man that breaks 'em. It's better as it is in the hands of the government. It's a safety- valve now, to let off' the fume, and steam, and vapour, gene- rated by the heat of the lower House. If you make that branch elective you put the government right into the gap, and all difference of opinion, instead of bein' between the two branches as it is now, (that is, in fact, between the people themselves,) would then occur in all cases between the people and the governor. Afore long that would either seal up thr 48 _ THE CLOCKMAKER. voice of the executive, so that they darn't call their souls their own, or make 'em onpopular, and whenever the executive once fairly gets into that are pickle, there's an end of the colony, and a declaration of independence would soon foller. Papinor knows that, and that's the reason he's so hot for it, — he knows what it would lead to in the eend. That critter may want ginger, for ought I know; but he don't want for gumption you may depend. Elective councils are inconsistent with colonial dependence. It's takin' away the crane that holds up the pot from the fire, to keep it from boilin' over, and clappin' it right on the hot coals : what a gallopin' boil it would soon come into, wouldn't it? In all mixed governments, like your'n, the true rule is never to interfere with pop'lar rights estab- lished. Amend what is wrong, concede what is right, and do what is just always ; but presarve the balance of the constitu- tion for your life. One pound weight only taken off the executive, and put on t'other eend, is like a shift of the weight on a well balanced plank till it won't play true no more, but keeps a slidin' and a slidin' down by leetle and leetle to the heaviest eend, till it all stays down to one side, and won't work no longer. It's a system of checks now, but when all the checks run together, and make only one weight, they'll do as our senate did once (for that ain't no check no more) — it actilly passed that cussed embargo law of Jefferson's that ruined our trade, rotted our shippin', and bankrupted the whole nation, arter it come up from the House of Representa- tives through all its three readin's in four hours ; I hope I may- be skinned if it didn't. It did, I snore. That's the beauty of havin' two bodies to look at things thro' only one spyglass, and blow bubbles thro' one pipe. There's no appeal, no redress, in that case, and what's more, when one party gives riders to both horses, they ride over you like wink, and tread you right under foot, as arbitrary as the old Scratch himself. There's no tyranny on airth equal to the tyranny of a major- ity; you can't form no notion of it unless you seed it. Just see how they sarved them chaps to Baltimore last war. Gene- ral Lingan and thirty other fellers that had the impudence to say they didn't approve of the doin's of the administration ; they gist lynched 'em and stoned 'em to death like dogs. We find among us the greatest democrats are the greatest tyrants. No, squire ; repair, amend, enlarge, ventilate, mo- dernize a little too, if you like, your structure ; put new roof, new porch, winders and doors, fresh paint and sliingle it, make ELECTIVE COUNCILS. 49 it more attractive and pleasanter to inhabit, and of course it will be more valuable ; — but do you leave the foundation alone — don't you meddle with the frame, the braces, and girts for your life, or it will spread, bulge out, leak like the devil, and come to pieces some o' these stormy nights about your ears as sure as you are born. Make no organic changes. There are quacks in politics, squire, as well as in med'cine, — critters who have unevarsal pills to cure all sorts o' diseases ; and many's the constitution, human and politic, they've fixt atween them. There's no knowin' the gripes and pains and colics they've caused ; and the worst of it is, the poor devils that get in their hands, when they are on the broad of their backs can't help themselves, but turn up the whites of their eyes, and say. Oh dear ! I'm very bad : how will it go ? Go, says they ; why, like a house afire, — full split, — goin' on grandly, — couldn't do no better, — gist what was expected. You'll have a new constitvtiofi, strong as a lion ; oh ! goin' on grandly. Well, I dont know, says the misfortunate critter ; but I feels a plaguy sight more like goin' off than goin' 07i, I tell you. Then comes apickin o' the bed-clothes, a clammy sweat, cold Ceet, the hiccup, rattles, and death. Sarve him right, says quack ; the cussed fool has had doctors too long about him in former days, and they sapped his constitution, and fixt his flijit for him : why did'nt he call me in sooner ? The consaited ass thought he knowed every thing, and didn't foUer out all my prescriptions; one comfort, though — his estate shall pay for it, I vow. Yes, squire, and that js the pity, win or lose, live or die, the estate does pay for it — that's a fact ; and what's worser, too, many on 'em care more about dividin' the spoil than effectin' the cure, by a long chalk. There's always some jugglery or quackery agoin' on every where a'most. It puts me in mind of the Wilmot springs. — One of the greatest flams I ever heerd tell of in this province, was brought out hereabouts- in Wilmot, and succeeded for a "Space beyond all calculation. Onr sea sarpant was no touch to it, — and that was a grand steamboat speckilation too, for a nation sight of folks went from Boston down to Providence and back ag'in, on purpose to see the sarpant in the boat that first spoke it out to sea. But then they were all pleasurin' parties, young folks takin' a trip by water, instead of a quiltin' frolic to shore. It gave the galls somethin' to talk about and to do, to strain their little eyes through the captain's great big spy-glass, to see their nateral enemy, the sarpant ; and you 5 50 THE CLOCKMAKER. may depend they had all the curiosity of old Marm Eve too. It was all young hearts and young eyes, and pretty ones they were, I tell you. But this here Wilmot wonder was sort of a funeral affair, an old and ugly assortment, a kind of Irish wake, part dead and part alive, where one half groaned with sorrow and pain, and t'other half groaned to keep 'em com- pany, — a rael, right down genuine hysteric frolic, near about as much cryin' as laughin', — it beat ail natur'. I believe they actilly did good in sartain cases, in proper doses with proper diet ; and in some future day, in more knowin' hands they will come into vogue ag'in, and make a good speckilation ; but I have always obsarved when an article is once run down, and folks find out that it has got more pufhn' than it desarves, they don't give it no credit at all, and it is a long time afore it comes round agin. The Wilmot springs are situated on the right there, away up, onder that mountain a-head on us. They sartainly did make a wonderful great noise three years ago. If the pool of Saloom had been there, it couldn't ahad a greater crowd o' clowns about it. The lame and maimed, the consumptive and dropsical, the cancerous and leprous, the old drunkard and the young rake, the barren wife and sick maid, the larfin' catholic and sour sectary, high and low, rich and poor, black and white, fools of all ages, sizes, and degrees, were assembled there adrinkin', bathin', and awashin' ir^ the waters, and carryin' off the mud for poultices and plaisters. It killed some, and cured some, and fool'd a nation sight of folks. Down at the mouth of the spring, where it discharges into a stream, there is a soft bottom, and there you'd see a feller standing with one leg stuck in the mud ; another lying on a plank, with an arm shoved into the ooze up to the shoulder; a third asittin' down, with a mask o' mould like a gypsum cast on his head ; others with naked feet spotted all over with the clay, to cure corns ; and these grouped ag'in here with an unfortunate feller with a stiff arm, who could only thrust in his elbow ; and there with another sittin' on a chair adanglin' his feet in the mire to cure the rheumatis ; while a third, sunk up to his ribs, had a man apourin' water on his head for an eruption, as a gard'ner waters a trans- planted cabbage-plant, all declarin' they felt better, and won- derin' it had'nt been found out afore. It was horrid, I tell you, to see folks makin' such fools of themselves. If that aroTspring had belonged to an American citizen, that liad made such an evcrlastin' touss about it, folks would have r ELECTIVE COUNCILS. 51 said they calkelated it was a Yankee trick ; as it was, they set each other on, and every critter that came home from it sent half a dozen neighbours off, — so none on 'em could larf at each other. The road was act illy covered with people. I saw one old goney, seventy years of age, stuck in a gig atween two matresses, like a carcase of mutton atween two bales of wool in a countryman's cart. The old fool was agoin' to be made young, and to be married when he returned to home. Folks believed every thing they heerd of it. They actilly swallered a story that a British officer that had a cork leg bathed there, and the flesh growed on it, so that no soul could tell the difference atween it and the nateral one. They be- lieved the age of miracles had come ; so a feller took a dead pig and throw'd it in, sayin' who know'd as it cured the half dead, that it wouldn't go the whole hog. That joke fixt the Wilmot springs : it turned the larf against 'em ; and it was lucky it did, for they were findin' springs gist like 'em every where. Every pool the pigs had ryled was tasted, and if it was too bad for the stomach, it was pronounced medicinal. The nearest doctor wrote an account of it for the newspapers, and said it had sulphur saltpetre in it, and that the mud when dried would make good powder, quite good enough to blow gypsum and shoot us Yankees. At last they exploded spon- taneous, the sulphur, saltpetre, and burnt brans went off them-' selves, and nothin' has ever been since heerd of the Wilmot springs. It's pretty much the case in politics ; folks have always some bubble or another, — some elective council, — private bal- lot, — short parliaments, — or some pill or another to cure all pohtical evils in natur'; with quacks enough to cry 'em up, and interested quacks also, who make their ned out of 'em, afore people get tired of them and their pills too. There was a time when there was top many public officers in your coun- cil here, but they've died off, or moved olT, and too many of 'em lived to Halifax, and too few of 'em in the country, and folks thought a new deal would give 'em more fair play. Well, they've got a new deal now, and new cards. So far so good. A change of men is no great matter — natur' is a changin' of 'em all the time if government don't. But the constitution is another thing. You can't take out the vitals and put in new ones, as you can in a watch-case, with any great chance of success, as ever I heerd tell of. I've seen some most beautiful operations performed, too, by brothoi* 52 THE CLOCKMAKER. Eldad, where the patients lived thro' 'em, — and he got a plaguy sight of credit for 'em, — but they all died a few days arterwards. Why, 'Dad, says I, what in natur' is the good o' them are operations, and puttin' the poor critters to all that pain and misery, and their estate to so much expense, if it don't do 'em no good I — for it seems to me that they all do go for it ; that's sartain. Well, it was a dreadful pretty operation tho', Sam, wani't it ? he'd say ; but the critter was desperate sick and peeower- fully weak ; I raely was e'en a'most afeer'd I shouldn't carry him thro' it. But what's the use on it at last, when it kills 'em ? said I ; for you see they do slip thro' your fingers in the eend. A feller, says he, Sam, that's considerable slippery all his life, may be a little slippery towards the eend on't, and there's no help for it, as I see ; — but Sam, said he, with a jupe o' the head, and a wink quite knowin', you ain't up to snufF yet, I see. It don't kill 'em if they don't die under the knife ; if you can carry 'em thro' the operation, and they die next day, they always die of sun'thin' else, and the doctor is a made man for ever and a day arterwards, too. Do you ap- prehend now, my boy 1 Yes, says I, I apprehend there are tricks in other trades, as well as the clock trade ; only some on 'em ain't quite so innocent, and there's some I wouldn't like to play I know. No, said he, I suppose not ; and then haw-hawin' right out — how soft we are, Sam, ain't wel said he. Yes, presarve the principle of the mechanism of your con- stitution, for it ain't a bad one, and presarve the balances, and the rest you can improve on without endangerin' the whole engin'. One thing too is sartain, — a power imprudently given to the executive, or to the people, is seldom or never got back, I ain't been to England since your Reform Bill passed, but some folks do say it works complete, that it goes as easy as a loaded wagon down hill, full chisel. Now suppose that biH was found to be alterin' of the balances, so that the constitu- tion couldn't work many years longer, without acomin' to a dead stand, could you repeal it? and say "as you were?" Let a bird out o' your hand and try to catch it ag'in, will you ? No, squire, said the Clockmaker, you have laws a re- gilatin' of quack doctors, but none a regilatin' of quack poli- ticians : now a quack doctor is bad enough, and dangerous enough, gracious knows, but a quack politician is a devil out- lawed, — that's a fact. SLAVERY. 63 CHAPTER VII. SLAVERY. The road from Kentville to Wilmot passes over an exten- sive and dreary sand plain, equally fatiguing to man and horse, and after three hours' hard dragging on this heavy road, we looked out anxiously for an inn to rest and refresh pur gallant " Clay." There it is, said Mr. Slick ; you'll know it by that high post, on which they have jibitted one of their governors ahorseback as a sign. The first night I stopt there, I vow I couldn't sleep a wink for the creakin' of it, as it swung back- wards and forwards in the wind. It sounded so nateral like, that I couldn't help thinkin' it was a rael man hung in chains there. It put me in mind of the slave to Charleston, that was strung up for py^ionin' his master and mistress. When we drove up to the door, a black man came out" of the stable, and took the horse by the head in a listless and reluctant man- ner, but his attention was shortly awakened by the animal, whom he soon began to examine attentively. Him don't look like blue nose, said blacky, — sartin him stranger. Fine crit- ter, dat, by gosh, no mistake. From the horse his eye wandered to us ; when, slowly quitting his hold of the bridle, and stretching out his head, and stepping anxiously and cautiously round to where the Clockmaker was standing, he suddenly pulled off his hat, and throwing it up in the air, uttered one of the most piercing yells I think I ever heard, and throwing himself upon the ground, seized Mr. Slick round the legs with his arms. Oh, Massa Sammy ! Massa Sammy ! Oh, my Gor ! — only tink old Scippy see you once more ! How you do, Massa Sammy ? Gor Ormighty bless you ! How you do 7 Why, who on airth are you ? said the Clockmaker ; what onder the sun do you mean by actin' so like a ravin' distracted fool 1 Get up this minnit, and let me see who you be, or I'll give you a sock- dologer in the ear with my foot, as sure as you are born. Who be you, you nigger you ? Oh, Massa Sam, you no re- collect Old Scip, — Massa 'Slab's nigger boy ? How's Massa Sy, and Missey Sy, and all ou^hildren, and all our folks to 6* 54 THE CLOCKMAKER. our house to home? De dear Httle lily, de sweet Httle booty, de httle missy baby. Oh, how I do lub 'em all ! In this manner the creature ran on, incoherently asking questions, sobbing, and blaming himself for having left so good a master, and so comfortable a home. How is dat black villain, dat Cato ? he continued ; — Massa no hang him yet ] He is sold, said Mr. SHck, and has gone to New Orleens, I guess. • Oh, I grad, upon my soul, I wery grad ; then he catch it, de dam black nigger — it sarve him right. I hope dey cowskin him well — I grad of dat, — oh Gor ! dat is good. I tink I see him, de ugly brute. I hope they lay it into him well, dam hiih ! I guess you'd better on harness Old Clay, and not leave him standin' all day in the sun, said Mr. Slick. O goody gracy, yes, said the overjoyed negro, dat I will, and rub him down too till him all dry as bone, — debil a wet hair left. Oh, only tink, Massa Sammy Slick, — Massa Sammy Slick, — Scip see you again ! The Clockmaker accompanied him to the stable, and there gratified the curiosity of that affectionate creature by answer- ing all his inquiries after his master's family, and the state of the plantation and the slaves. It appears that he had been inveigled away by the mate of a Boston vessel that was load- ing at his master's estate ; and, notwithstanding all the sweets attending a state of liberty, was unhappy under the influer^ce of a cold climate, hard labour, and the absence of all that real sympathy, which, notwithstanding the rod of the master, exists nowhere but where there is a community of interests. He entreated Mr. Slick to take him into his employment, and vowed eternal fidelity to him and his family if he would re- ceive him as a servant, and procure his manumission from his master. This arrangement having been effected to the satisfaction of both parties, we proceeded on our journey, leaving the poor negro happy in the assurance that he would be sent to Slickville in the autumn. I feel provoked with that black ras- cal, said Mr. Slick, for bein' such a born fool as to run away from so good a master as Josiah, for he is as kind-hearted a critter as ever lived, — that's a fact, — and a plaguy easy man to his niggers. I used to tell him, I guessed he was the only slave on his plantation, for he had to see arter every thin' ; ho had a dreadful sight more to do than they had. ' It was all work and no play with him. ^ou forget, said I, that his la- bour was voluntary, and for his own benefit, while that of the m SLAVERY. ' 55 negro is compulsory, and productive of no advantage to him- self. What do you think of the abolition of slavery in the United States ? said I : the interest of the subject appears to have increased very much of late. Well, I don't know, said he, — what is your opinion ? I ask, I replied, for information.- It's a considerable of a snarl, that question, said he ; I don't ■know as I ever onravelled it altogether, and I ain't gist quite sartain I can — it's not so easy as it looks. I recoltect the English gall I met atravellin' in the steamboat, axed me that same question. What do you think of slavery, said she, sir ? Slavery, marm, said I, is only fit for white lovers (and I made the old lady a scrape of the leg), — only fit, said I, for tchite lovers and black niggers. Whart an idea, said she, for a free - man in a land of freedom to utter ! How that dreadful politi- cal evil demoralizes a people ! how it deadens our feelin's, how it hardens the heart ! Have you no pity for the blacks ? said she ; for you treat the subject with as much levity as if, to use one of the elegant and fashionable phrases of this country, you thought it all " in my eye^ No marm, said I, with a very grave face, I haven't no pity at all for 'em, not the least mite nor morsel in the world. How dreadful, said she, and she looked ready to expire with sentiment. No feel- in' at all, said I, marm, for the blacks, but a great deal of feelin' for the whites, for instead of bein' all in my eye, it's all ^ in my nose, to have them nasty, horrid, fragrant critters, ago- in' thro' the house like scent-bottles with the stoppers out, aparfumin' of it up, like skunks — it's dreadful ! Oh ! said I, it's enough to kill the poor critters. Phew ! it makes me sick, it does. No ; I keeps my pity for the poor whites, for they have the worst of it by a long chalk. The constant contemplation of this painful subject, said she, destroys the vision, and its deformities are divested of their horrors by their occurring so often as to become familiar. That, I said, Miss, is a just observation, and a profound and a cute one too — it is actilly founded in natur'. I know a case in pint, I said. What is it ? said she, for she seemed mighty fond of anecdotes (she wanted 'em for her book, I guess, for travels without anecdotes is like a puddin' without plums — all dough). Why, said I, marm, father had an English cow, a pet cow too, and a beautiful critter she was, a brindled short- horn ; he gave the matter of eighty dollars for her ; — she was begot by . Never mind her pedigree, said she. Well, says I, when the great eclipse was (you've heerd tell how it 56 • THE CLOCKMAKER. frightens cattle, haven't you ?) Brindle stared and stared at it so, — she lost her eye-sight, and she was as blind as a bat ever afterwards. I hope I may be shot if she warn't. Now, I guess, we that see more of slavery than you, are like Brin- dle ; we have stared at it so long we can't see it as other folks do. You are a droll man, said she, very droll ; but seriously^ now, Mr. Slick, do you not think these unfortunate fellow- critters, our sable brothers, if emancipated, educated, and tivilized, are capable of as much refinement and as high a degree of polish as the whites ? Well, said I, joking apart, miss, — there's no doubt on it. I've been considerable down South atradin' among the whites, — and a kind-hearted, hospi- table, liberal race o' men they be, as ever I was among — generous, frank, manly folks. Well, I seed a good deal of the niggers, too ; it couldn't be otherwise. I must say your con- clusion is a just one, — I could give you several instances ; but there is one in pitickelar that settles the question ; I seed it myself with my own eyes to Charleston, South Car. Now, said she, that's what I like to hear ; give me facts, said she, for I am no visionary, Mr. Slick ; I don't build up a theory, and then go alookin' for facts to support it ; but gather facts candidly and impartially, and then coolly and logically draw the inferences. Now tell me this instance which you think conclusive, for nothin' interests us English so much as what don't consarn us ; our West Indgy emancipation has worked so well, and improved our islands so much, we are enchanted with the very word emancipation ; it has a charm for English ears, beyond any thing you can conceive. — Them Islands will have spontaneous production afore long. But the refinement and polish of these interestin' critters the blacks, — your story if you please, sir. I have a younger brother, Miss, said I, that lives down to Charleston ; — he's a lawyer by trade — Squire Josiah Slick ; he is a considerable of a literary character. He's well known in the great world as the author of the Historical, Statistical, and Topographical account of Cuttyhunck, in five volumes ,* a work that has raised the reputation of American genius among foreign nations amazin', I assure you. He's quite a self-taught author too. I'll give you a letter of introduction to him. Me, said she, adrawin' up her neck like a swan. You needn't look so scared, said I, marm, for he is a mar- ried man, and has one white wife and four white children, fourteen black concu I wanted to hear, sir, said she, quite SLAVERY. 57 snappishly, of the negroes, and not of your brother and his domestic arrangements Well, marm, said I ; one day there was a dinner-party to Josiah's, and he made the same remark you did, and instanced the rich black marchant of Philadel- phia, which position was contradicted by some other gentle- men there ; so 'Siah offered to bet one thousand dollars ho could produce ten black gentlemen, who should be allowed, by good judges, to be more polished than any like number of whites that could be selected in the town of Charleston. Well, the bet was taken, the money staked, and a note made of the tarms. Next day at ten o'clock, the time fixed, Josiah had his ten niggers nicely dressed, paraded out in the streets a facin' of the sun, and brought his friends and the umpires to decide the bet. Well, when they got near 'em, they put their hands to their eyes and looked down to the ground, and the tears ran down their cheeks Hke any thing. Whose cheeks ? said she ; blacks or whites 1 this is very interestin'. Oh, the whites, to be sure, said I. Then, said she, I will record that mark of feelin' with great pleasure — I'll let the world know it. It does honour to their heads and hearts. But not to their eyes, tho', said I ; they swore they couldn't see a bit. What the devil have you got there, Slick 1 says they ; it has put our eyes out : damn them, how they shine ! they look like black japan- ned tea-trays in the sun — it's blindin' — it's the devil, that's a fact. Are you satisfied 1 said 'Sy. Satisfied of what ! says they ; satisfied with bein' as blind as buzzards, eh 1 Satisfied of the high polish niggers are capable of, said Josiah : why shouldn't nigger hide, with lots of Day and Martin's blackin* on it, take as good a polish as cow hide, eh 1 Oh lord ! if you'd aheerd what a roar of larfler there was, for all Charles- ton was there a'most ; what a hurrain' and shoutin' : it was grand fun. I went up and shook hands with Josiah, for I always liked a joke from a boy. Well done, 'Sy, says I ; you've put the leake into 'em this hitch rael complete ,* its grand ! But, says he, don't look so pleased, Sam ; they are cussed vexed, and if we crow I'll have to fight every one on 'em, that's sartin, for they are plaguy touchy them Southern- ers ; fight for nothin' a'most. But, Sam, said he, Connecticut ain't a bad school for a boy arter all, is it ? I could tell you fifly such stories. Miss, says I. She drew up rather stately Thank you, sir, said she, that will do ; I am not sure whether it is a joke of your brother's or a hoax of your'n, but whose ever it is, it has more practical wit than feelin' in it. 58 THE CLOCKMAKER. The truth is, said the Clockmaker, nothin' raises my dander more, than to hear English folks and our Eastern citizens atalkin' about this subject that they don't understand, and have nothin' to do with. If such critters will go down South a meddlin' with things that don't consarn 'em, they desarve what they catch. I don't mean to say I approve of lynchin', because that's horrid ; but when a feller gets himself kicked, jr his nose pulled, and larns how the cowskin feels, I don't pity him one morsel. Our folks won't bear tamperin' with, as you Colonists do ; we won't stand no nonsense. The sub- ject is gist a complete snarl ; it's all tangled, and twisted, and knotted so, old Nick himself wouldn't onravel it. What with private rights, public rights, and State rights, feelin', expe- diency, and public safety, it's a considerable of a tough sub- ject. The truth is, I ain't master of it myself. I'm no book man, I never was to college, and my time has been mostly spent in the clock trade and tooth business, and all I know is just a little I've picked up by the way. The tooth business, said I ; what is that ? do you mean to say you are a dentist ? No, said he, laughing ; the tooth business is pickin' up expe- rience. Whenever a feller is considerable cute with us, we say he has cut his eye teeth, he's tolerable sharp ; and the study of this I call the tooth business. Now I ain't able to lay it all down what I think as plain as brother Josiah can, but I have an idea there's a good deal in name, and that slavery is a word that frightens more than it hurts. It's some o' the branches or grafts of slavery that want cuttin' off. Take away corporal punishment from the masters and give it to the law, forbid separatin' families and the right to compel marriage and other connexions, and you leave slavery nothin' more than sarvitude in name, and soqiethin' quite as good in fact. Every critter must work in this world, and a labourer is a slave ; but the labourer only gets enough to live on from day to day, while the slave is tended in infancy, sickness, and old age, and has spare time enough given him to airn a good deal too. A married woman, if you come to that, is a slave, call her what you will, wife, woman, angel, termegant, or devil, she's a slave ; and if she happens to get the upper hand, the husband is a slave, and -if he don't lead a worse life than any black nigger, when he's under petticoat government, then my name is not Sam Slick. I'm no advocate of slavery, squire, nor are any of our folks ; it's bad for the niggers, worse for p SLAVERY. 59 the masters, and a cuss to any country ; but we have got it, and the question is, what are we to do with it ? I^et them an- swer that know, — I don't pretend to be able to. The subject was a disagreeable one, but it was a striking peculiarity of the Clockmaker's, that he never dwelt long upon any thing that was not a subject of national boast ; he therefore very dexterously shifted both the subject and the scene of it to England, so as to furnish him with a retort, of which he was at all times exceedingly fond. I have heerd tell, said he, that you British have 'mancipated your niggers. Yes,^aid I, thank God ! slavery exists not in the British em- pire. Well, I take some credit to myself for that, said the Clockmaker ; it was me that sot that agoin' any way. You ! said I, with the most unfeigned astonishment; — you! how could yov, by any possibility be instrumental in that great national act? Well, I'll tell you, said he, tho' it's a consider- able of a long story too. When I returned from Poland, via London, in the hair speckelation of Jabish Green, I went down to Sheffield to execute a commission ; I had to bribe some master workmen to go out to America, and if I didn't fix 'em it's a pity. The critters wouldn't go at no rate, with- out the most extravagant onreasonable wages, that no busi- ness could afford no how. Well, there was nothin' to be done but to agree to it ; but things worked right in the long run : our folks soon larnt the business, and then they had to work for half nothin', or starve. It don't do to drive too hard a bargain always. When I was down there a gentleman called on me one arternoon, one John Canter by name, and says he, Mr. Slick, I've called to see you to make some inquiries about America j me and my friends think of emigratin' there. Happy, says I, to give you any information in my power, sir, and a soci- able dish o' chat is what I do like most amazin', — it's kind o' nateral to me talkin' is. So we sot down and chatted away about our great nation all the arternoon and evenin', and him and me got as thick as two thieves afore we parted. — If you will be to home to-morrow evenin', says he, I will call again, if you will give me leave. Sartin, says I, most happy. Well, next evenin' he came ag'in ; and in the course of tafk, says he, I was born a quaker, Mr. Slick. Plenty of 'em with us, says I, and well to do in the world too, — considerable stiff folks in their way them quakers, — you can't no more move 'em than a church steeple. I like the quakers, too, says GO THE CLOCKMAKER. I, for there are worse folks than them agoin' in the world by a long chalk. Well, lately I've dissented from 'em, says he. — Curious that too, says I. I was a thinkin' the beaver didn't i shade the inner man quite as much as I have seed it : but, I says I, I like dissent ; it shows that a man has both a mind and a conscience too ; if he hadn't a mind he couldn't dissent, and if he hadn't a conscience he wouldn't ; a man, therefore, who quits his church always stands a notch higher with me than a stupid obstinate creature that sticks to it 'cause he was born and brought up in it, and his father belonged to it — there's no sense in that. A quaker is a very set man in his way ; a dissenter therefore from a quaker must be what I call a considerable of a obstinate man, says he, larfin'. No, says I, not gist exactly that, but he must carry a pretty tolera- ble stiff upper lip, tho' — that's a fact. Well, says he, Mr. Slick, this country is an aristocratic country, a very aristocratic country indeed, and it taint easy for a man to push himself when he has no great friends or family interest ; besides, if a man has some little talent — says he, (and he squeezed his chin between his fore-finger and thumb, as much as to say, tho' I say it that should'nt say it, 1 have a very tolerable share of it at any rate,) he has no opportunity of risin' by bringin' himself afore the public. Every avenue is filledr A man has no chance to come for- ward, — money won't do it, for that I have, — talent won't do it, for the opportunity is wantin'. I believe I'll go to the States, where all men are equal, and one has neither the trouble of risin' nor the vexation of fallin'. Then you'd like to come forward in public life here, would you, said I, if you had a chance? I would, says he; that's the truth. Give mo your hand then, says I, my friend, I've got an idea that will make your fortin. I'll put you in a track that will make a man of you first, and a nobleman aflerwards, as sure as thou says thee. Walk into the niggers, says I, and they'll help you to walk into the whites, and they'll make you walk into parliament. Walk jnto the niggers ! says he ; and he sot and stared like a cat awatchin' of a mouse-hole; — walk into the niggers ! — what's that 1 I don't onderstand you. — Take up 'mancipation, says I, and work it up till it works you up ; call meetin's and make speeches to 'em ; — get up societies and make reports to 'em ; — get up petitions to parliament, and got signers to 'em. Enlist the women on your side, of all ages, sects, and denominations. Excite 'em first tho', for 'vomeii I SLAVERY. 61 folks are poor tools till you get 'em up : but excite them, an(? they'll go the whole figur,' — wake up the whole country. It's a grand subject for it, — broken hearted slaves killin' them- selves in despair, or dyin' a lingerin' death, — task-master's whip acuttin' into their flesh, — burnin' suns, — days o' toil — nights o' grief — pestilential rice-grounds — chains — starvation — misery and death, — grand figur's them for oratry, and make splendid speeches, if well put together. Says you, such is the spirit of British freedom, that the moment a slave touches our sea-girt shores, his spirit bursts its bonds; he stands 'mancipated, disenthralled, and liberated ; his chains fall right off, and he walks in all the naked majesty of a great big black he nigger ! It sounds Irish that, and Josiah used to say they come up to the Americans a'most in pure eloquence. It's grand, it's sublime that, you may depend. When you get 'em up to the right pitch, says you, we have no power in parliament; we must have abolition members. Certainly, says they, and who so fit as the good, the pious, the christian-like John Canter ; up you are put then, and bundled free gratis, head over heels, into parliament. When you are in the House o' Commons, at it ag'in, blue-jacket, for life. Some good men, some weak men, and a most a plaguy sight of hypocritical men will join you. Cant carries sway always now. A large party in the House, and a wappin' large party out o' the house, must be kept quiet, conciliated, or whatever the right word is, and John Canter is made Lord Lavender. I see, I see, said he ; a glorious prospect of doin' good, of aidin' my fellow mortals, of bein' useful in my generation. I hope for a more imperishable reward than a coronet, — the approbation of my own conscience. Well, well, says I to myself, if you ain't the most impudent as well as pharisaical villain that ever went onhung, then I never seed a ^nished rascal. — that's all. He took my advice, and went right at it, tooth and nail ; worked day and night, and made a'most a deuce of a stir. His name was in every paper ; — a meetin' held here to-day, — that great and good man John Canter in the chair; — a meetin' held there to-morrow, — addressed most eloquently by that philanthropist, philosopher, and Christian, John Canter ; — a society formed in one place, John Canter secretary ; — a society formed in another place, John Canter president : — John Canter every where ; — if you went to Lon- don, he handed you a subscription list, — if you went to Brigh 62 THE CLOCKMAKER. ^ ton, he met you with a petition, — if you went to Sheffield, he filled your pockets with tracts ; — he was a complete jack-o'- I lantern, here and there, and every where. The last 1 heerd i tell of him was in parliament, and agoin' out governor-general of some of the colonies. I've seen a good many superfine saints in my time, squire, but this critter was the most upper- crust one I ever seed, — he did beat all. Yes, the English desarve some credit no doubt ; but when you substract electioneerin' party spirit, hippocracy, ambition, ministerial flourishes, and all the undertow causes that ope- rated in this work, which at best was but clumsily contrived, and bunglin'ly executed, it don't leave so much to brag on arter all, does it now ? CHAPTER VIII. TALKING LATIN. Do you see them are country galls there, said Mr. Slick, how they are tricked out in silks, and touched off with lace and ribbon to the nine's, a mincin' along with parasols in their hands, as if they were afear'd the sun would melt them like wax, or take the colour out of their face, like a printed cotton blind ? Well, that's gist the ruin of this country. It ain't poverty, the blue noses have to fear, for that they needn't know without they choose to make acquaintance with it ; but it's gentility. They go the whole hog in this country, you may depend. They ain't content to appear what they be, but want to be what they ain't ; they live too extravagant, and dress too extravagant, and won't do what's the only thing that will supply this extravagance : that is, be industrious. Gist go into one of the meetin' houses, back here in the woods, where there ought to be nothin' but homespun cloth, and home- -made stuffs and bonnets, and see the leghorns and pelmettors, and silks and shalleys, morenos, gauzes, and blonds, assem- bled there, enough to buy the best farm in the settlement. There's somethin' not altogether gist right in this ; and the worst of these habits is, they ruinate the young folks, and they grow up as big goneys as the old ones, and eend in the same way, by bein' half-starved at last ; there's a false pride, false feelin', and false edicution here. I mind once, I was TALKING LATIN. 63 down this way to Canaan, a vendin' o' my clocks, and who should I overtake but Nabal Green, apokin' along in his wagon, half-loaded with notions from the retail shops, at the cross roads. Why, Nabal, said I, are you agoin' to set up for a merchant, for I see you've got a considerable of an assort- ment of goods there ? you've got enough o' them to make a pedlar's fortin a'most. Who's dead, and what's to pay now 1 Why, friend Slick, said he, how do you do? who'd a thought o' seein you here ? You see my old lady, said he, is agoin' for to give our Arabella, that's gist returned from bordin' school to Halifax, a let off to night. Most all the bet- termost folks in these parts are axed, and the doctor, the law- yer, and the minister is invited ; it's no skim-milk story, I do assure you, but upper crust, real jam. Ruth intends to do the thing handsome. She says she don't do it often, but when she does, she likes to go the whole figur', and do it genteel. If she hasn't a show of dough-nuts and prasarves, and apple sarse and punkin pies and sarsages, it's a pity ; it's taken all hands of us, the old lady and her galls too, besides the helps, the best part of a week past preparin'. I say nothin', but it's most turned the house inside out, a settin' up things in this room, or toatin' 'em out of that into t'other, and all in such a conflustrigation, that I'm glad when they send me of an arrand to be out of the way. It's lucky them harrycanes don't come every day, for they do scatter things about at a great rate, all topsy-turvey like, — that's sartin. Won't you call in and see us to night, Mr. Slick ] folks will be amazin' glad to see you, and I'll show you some as pritty lookin' galls to my mind, in our settlement here, as you'll see in Connecticut, I know. Well, says I, I don't care if I do ; there's nothin' I like more nor a frolic, and the dear little critters I do like to be among 'em too, — that's sartin. In the evenin' I drives over to Nabal's, and arter puttin' up my beast. Old Clay, I goes into the house, and sure enough, there they was as big as life. The young ladies asittin' on one side, and the men a standin' up by the door, and chatter- in' away in great good humour. There was a young chap a fioldin' forth to the men about politics ; he was a young trader, set up by some merchant in Halifax, to ruinate the settlement with good-for-nothin' trumpery they hadn't no occasion for, — chock full of concait and affectation, and beginnin' to feel his way with the yard-stick to assembly already. Great dandy was Mr. Bobbin ; he looked gist as if he had k 64 THE CLOCKMAKER. came out of the tailor's hands, spic and span ; put out his lips and drew down his brow, as if he had a trick o' thinkin some- times — nodded his head and winked, as if he knew more than he'd like to tell — talked of talent quite glib, but disdainful, as if he would'nt touch some folks with a pair of tongs ; a great scholar too was Mr. Bobbin, always spoke dictionary, and used heavy artillery words. I don't entertain no manner of doubt if government would take him at his own valuation, he'd be found to be a man o' great worth. I never liked the critter, and always gave him a poke when I got a chance. He was a town meetin' orator ; grand school that to larn public speakin', squire ; a nice muddy pool for young ducks to larn to swim in. He was a grand hand to read lectures, in black- smiths' shops, at vandues, and the like, and talked politics over his counter at a great size. He looked big and talked big, and altogether was a considerable big man in his own concait. He dealt in reform. He had ballot tape, suffrage ribbon, radi- cal lace, no tithe hats, and beautiful pipes with a democrat's head on 'em, and the maxim, " No sinecure," under it. Every thing had its motto. No, sir, said he, to some one he was a talkin' to as I came in, this country is attenuated to pulveriza- tion by its aristocracy — a proud haughty aristocracy; a cor- rupt, a lignious, and a lapidinous aristocracy ; put them into a parcel, envelope 'em with a panoply of paper, tie them up and put them into the scales, and they will be found wantin'. There is not a pound of honesty among 'em, nay not an ounce, nay not a penny weight. The article is wanting — it is not in their catalogue. The word never occurs either in their order, or in their invoice. They wont bear the inspec- tion, — they are not marchantable, — nothin' but refuse. If there is no honesty in the market, says I, why don't you import some, and retail it Out? you might make some con- siderable profit on it, and do good to the country too ; it would be quite patriotic that. I'm glad to see, says I, one honest man talkin' politics any how, for there's one thing I've obsarved in the course of my experience, whenever a man suspects all the world that's above him, of roguery, he must be a pretty considerable superfine darned — (rogue himself, whispered some critter standin' by, loud enough for all on 'em to hear, and to set the whole party achokin' with larfler) — judge of the article himself, says Iv Now, says I, if you do import it, gist let us know how you sell it, — by the yard, the quart, or the pound, will you ? for it ain't set down in any tradin' tables TALKING LATIN. 05 I've seen, whether it is for long measure, dry measure, or weight. Well, says he, atryin' to larf, as if he didn't take the hint, I'll let you know, for it might be some use to you perhaps, in the clock trade. May be, you'll be a customer, as well as the aristocrats. But how is clocks now? said he, and he gave his neighbour a nudge with his elbow, as much as to say, I guess it's my turn now, — how do clocks go ? Like some young country traders I've seen in my time, says I ; don't go long afore they are run down, and have to be wound up again. They arc considerable better too, like them, for bein' kept in their own place, and plaguy apt to go wrong when moved out of it. Thinks I to myself, take your change out o' that, young man, will you ? for I'd heerd tell the goney had said they had cheats enough in Nova Scotia, without bavin' Yankee clockmakers to put new wrinkles on their horns. Why, you are quite witty this evenin', said he ; you've been masticatin* mustard, I apprehend ; I was always fond of it from a boy, said I, and it's a pity the blue noses didn't chew a little more of it, I tell you ; it would help 'em, p'raps, to disgest their jokes better, I estimate. Why, I didn't mean no offence, said he, I do assure you. Nor I neither, said I ; I hope you didn't take it any way parsonal. Says I, friend Bobbin, you have talked a considerable hard o' me afore now, and made out the Yankees, most as big rogues as your great men be ,* but I never thought any thing hard of it : I only said, says I, he puts me in mind of Mrs. Squire Ichabod Birch. What's that? says the folks. Why, says I, Marm Birch was acomin' down stairs one mornin' airly, and what should sh(J see but the stable-help akissin' of the cook in the corner of the entry, and she afcndin' off like a brave one. You good-for-nothin' hussy, said Marm Birch, get out of my house this minit : I won't have no such onde- cent carryin's on here, on no account. You horrid critter, get out o' my sight ; and as for you, said she to the Irishman, don't you never dare to show your ugly face here agin. I wonder you ain't ashamed of yourselves, — both on you begone; away with you, bag and baggage ! Hullo ! says the squire, as he follerd down in his dressin' govvnd and slippers ; hullo ! says he, what's all this touss about ? Nothin', says Pat, ascratchin' of his head, nothin', your honour, — only the mistress says she'll have no kissin' in the house, but what she does herself. The cook had my jack- e# 66 THE CLOCKMAKER. knife in her pocket, your honour, and wouldn't give it to me, but sot off and ran here with it, and I arter her, and caught iier. I gist put my hand in her pocket promisc'ously to sarch for it, — and when I found it I was tryin' to kiss her by way of forfeit like, and that's the long and short o' the matter. The mistress says she'll let no one but herself in the house do that same. Tut, — tut, — tut ! says the squire, and larfed right out ; both on you go and attend to your work then, and let's hear no more about it. Now, you are like Marm Birch, friend Bobbin, says I — you think nobody has a right to be Alonest but yourself; but there is more o' that arter all agoin' in the world, than you have any notion of, I tell you. Feelin' a hand on my arm, I turns round, and who should I see but Marm Green. Dear me, said she, is that you, Mr. Slick ] I've been looking' lall about for you for ever so long. How do you do ? — I hope I see you quite well. Hearty as brandy, marm, says I, tho' not quite as strong, and a great deal heartier for a seein' of you. How be you 1 Reasonable well, and stirrin', says she : I try to keep amovin' ; but I shall give the charge oS things soon to Arabella : have you seen her yet ? No, says I, I havn't had the pleasure since her return : but I hear folks say she is a'most splendid fine gall. Well, come, then, said she, atakin' o' my arm, let me intro- duce you to her. She is a fine gall, Mr. Slick, that's a fact ; and tho' I say it that shouldn't say it, she's a considerable of an accomplished gall too. There is no touch to her in these parts : minister's daughter that was all one winter to St. John can't hold a candle to her. Can't she, tho' ? said I. No, said she, that she can't, the consaited minx, tho' she does carry her head so high. One of the gentlemen that played at the show of the wild beasts said to me, says he, I'll tell you what it is, Marm Green, said he, your daughter has a beautiful touch — that's a fact ,* most galls can play a little, but yours does the thing complete. And so she ought, says she, takin' her five quarters into view. Five quarters ! said I ; well, if that don't beat all ! well, I never heerd tell of a gall havin' five quarters afore since I was raised ! The skin, said I, I must say, is a most beautiful one ; but as for the tallow, who ever heard of a gall's tallow ? ' The fifth quarter ! — Oh Lord ! said I, marm, you'll kill me, — and I haw hawed right out. Why, Mr. Slick, says she, ain't you ashamed? do, for gracious sake, behave yourself; 1 meant five quarters' schoolin' :" what a droll man you be. TALKING LATIN* 67 Oh ! five quarters' schoolin' ! says I ; now I understand. And, said she, if she don't paint it's a pity? Paint ! said I ; why, you don't say so ! I thought that are beautiful colour was all nateral. Well, I never could kiss a gall that painted. Mother used to say it was sailin' under false colours — I 'most wonder you could allow her to paint, for I'm sure there ain't the least morsel of occasion for it in the world : you may say that — it is a pity ! Get out, said she, you imperance ; you know'd better nor that ; I meant her pictures. Oh ! her pictures, said I ,• now I see ; — does she, tho' ? Well, that is an accomplish- ment you don't often see, I tell you. — Let her alone for that, said her mother. Here, Arabella, dear, said she, come here dear, and bring Mr. Slick your pictur' of the river that's got the two vessels in it, — Captain Noah Oak's sloop, and Peter Zinck's schooner. Why, my sakes, mamma, said Miss Arabella, with a toss of her pretty little saucy mug, do you expect me to show that to Mr. Slick? why, he'll only larf at it, — he larfs at every thing that ain't Yankee. Larf, said I, now do tell : I guess Pd be very sorry to do such an ongenteel thing, to any one, — much less. Miss, to a young lady Hke you. No indeed, not L Yes, said her mother ; do, Bella, dear ; Mr. Slick will excuse any little defects, Pm sure ; she's had only five quarters you know, and you'll make allowances, won't you, Mr. Slick ? I dare say, I said, they don't stand in need of no allowances at all, so don't be so backward, my dear. Arter a good deal of mock modesty, out skips Miss Arabella, and returns with a great large water colour drawin' as big as a winder-shutter, and carried it up afore her face as a hookin' cow does a board over her eyes to keep her from makin' right at you. Now, said her mother, lookin' as pleased as a peacock when it's in full fig with its head and tail up, now, says she, Mr. Slick, you are a considerable judge of paintin' — seein' that you do bronzin' and gildin' so beautiful — now don't you call that splendid ? Splendid ! says I ; I guess there ain't the beat of it to be found in this country, any how ; I never seed any thing like it : you couldn't ditto it in the province I know. I guess not, said her mother, nor in the next province neither. It sartainly beats all, said I. And so it did, Squire ; you'd adied if you'd aseed it, for larfin. There was two vessels one right above t'other, a great big black cloud on the top, and a church-steeple standin' under the bottom of the schooner. Well, says I, that is beautiful — that's a fact ; but the water, said I, miss ; you havn't done 68 THE CLOCKMAKER. that yet ; when you put that in, it will be complete. Not yet, said she ; the greatest difficulty I have in paintin' is in makin' water. Have you tho' ? said T ; well that is a pity. Y^s, said she, it's the hardest thing in natur' — I cant do it straight, nor make it look of the right colour ; and Mr. Acre, our mas- ter, said you must always make water in straight lines in painting, or it ain't nateral and ain't pleasin' : vessels too are considerable hard ; if you make them straight up and down they look stiff and ongraceful like, and if you put them onder sail then you should know all about fixin' the sails the right way for the wind — if you don't, it's blundersome. I'm terri- bly troubled with the effect of wind. Oh ! says I. Yes, I am, said she, and if I could only manage wind and water in paintin' landscapes, why it would be nothin' — I'd do 'em in a jiffey ; but to produce the right effect these things take a great deal of practice. I thought I should have snorted right out to hear the little critter run on with such a regular bam. Oh dear ! said I to myself, what pains some folks do take to make fools of their children : here's as nice a little heifer as ever was, alettin' of her clapper run away with her like an onruly horse ; she don't know where it will take her to yet, no more than the man in the moon. As she carried it out again, her mother said. Now, I take some credit to myself, Mr. Slick, for that ; — she is thro wed away here ; but I was detarmined to have her educated, and so I sent her to bordin' school, and you see the effect of her five quarters. Afore she went, she was three years to the combined school in this district, that includes both Dalhousie and Sherbrooke : you have combined schools in the States, hav'n't you, Mr. Slick ? I guess we have, said I ; boys and galls combined ; I was to one on 'em, when I was consider- able well grown up : Lord, what fun we had ! It's a grand place to larn the multiplication table at, ain't it ? I recollect once, — Oh fie ! Mr. Slick, I mean a siminary for young gen- tlemen and ladies where they larn Latin and English com- bined. Oh latten I said I ; they larn latten there, do they 1 Well, come, there is some sense in that ; I didn't know there was a factory of it in all Nova Scotia. I know how to make latten ; father sent me clean away to New York to larn it. You mix up calamine and copper, and it makes a brass as near like gold as one pea is like another ; and then there is another kind o' latten workin' tin over iron, — it makes a most complete imitation of silver. Oh 1 a knowledge of latten has ^ TALKING LATIN. - 6^ been of great sarvice to me in the clock trade, you may de- pend. It has helped me to a nation sight of the genmcine metals, — that's a fact. Why, what on airth are you atalkin' about? said Mrs. Green. I don't mean that latten at all ; I mean the Latin they lam at schools. Well, I don't know, said I ; I never seed any other kind o' latten, nor ever heerd tell of any. What is it? Why, it's a it's a . Oh, you know well enough, said she; only you make as if you didn't, to poke fun at me. I believe, on my soul, you've been abammin' of me the whole blessed time. I hope I be shot if I do, said I ; so do tell me what it is. Is it any thing in the silk factory line, or the straw-plat, or the cotton warp way ? Your head, said she, considerable miffy, is always a runnin' on a factory. Latin is a . N^bal, said she, do tell me what Latin is. Latin, says he, — why, Latin is ahem, it's what they teach at the Combined School. Well, says she, we all know that as well as you do, Mr. Wisehead ; but what is it ? Come here, Arabella dear, and tell me what Latin is ? W'hy, Xatin, ma, said Arabella, is, — am-o, I love; am-at, he loves; am-amus, we love ; — that's Latin. Well, it does sound dread- ful pretty, tho', don't it? says I ; and yet, if Latin is love and love is Latin, you hadn't no occasion, — and I got up, and slipt my hand into hers — you hadn't no occasion to go to the Com- bined School to larn it ; for natur', says I, teaches that a and I was whisperin' of the rest o' the sentence in her ear, when her mother said, — Come, come, Mr. Slick, what's that you are asaying of? Talkin' Latin, says I, — awinkin' to Arabella ; — ain't we, miss ? Oh yes, said she, — returnin' the squeeze of my hand and larfin' ; — oh yes, mother, arter all he understands it complete. Then take my seat here, says the old lady, and both on you sit down and talk it, for it will be a good practice for you ; — and away she sailed to the eend of the room, and left us a — talking Latin. I hadn't been asittin' there long afore doctor Ivory Hovey came up, asmirkin', and asmilin', and arubbin' of his hands, as if he was agoin' to say somethin' very witty ; and I ob- served, the moment he came, Arabella took herself off. She said, she couldn't 'bide him at all. Well, Mr. Slick, said he, how are you ? how do you do, upon an average, eh ? Pray, what's your opinion of matters and things in general, eh 7 Do you think you could exhibit such a show of fine bloomin' galls in Slickville, eh ? Not a bad chance for vou, I guess — 70 THE CLOCKMAKER. (and he gave that word guess a twang that made the folks larf all round,) — said he, for you to speckilate for a wife, eh? Well, says I, there is a pretty show o' galls, — that's sartain, — but they wouldn't condescend to the like o' me. I was athinkin' there was some on 'em that would gist suit you to a T. Me, says he, adrawin' of himself up and looking big, — me ! and he turned up his nose like a pointer dog when the birds flowed off. When / honour a lady with the offer of my hand, says he, it will be a lady. Well, thinks I, if you ain't a consaited critter it's a pity ; most on 'em are a plaguy sight too good for you, so I will gist pay you off in your own coin. Says I, you put me in mind of Lawyer Endicol's dog. What's that? says the folks acrowdin' round to hear it, for I seed plain enough that not one on 'em liked him one morsel. Says I, he had a great big black dog that he used to carry about with him every where he went, into the churches and into the court. The dog was always abotherin' of the judges, agettin' between their legs, and they used to order him to be turned out every day, and they always told the lawyer to keep his dog to home. At last, old Judge Person said to the constable one day, in a voice of thunder, Turn out that dog! and the judge gave him a kick that sent him half-way across the room, yelpin' and howlin' like any thing. The lawyer was properly vexed at this ; so says he to the dog, Pompey, says he, come here ! and the dog came up to him. Didn't I always tell you, said he, to keep out o' bad company 1 Take that, said he, agivin' of him a'most an awful kick, — take that !— ^ and the next tim.e only go among gentlemen ; and away went the dog, lookin' foolish enough, you may depend. What do you mean by that are story, sir ? said he, abristlin' up like a mastiff. Nothin', says I ; only that a puppy sometimes gets into company that's too good for him, by mistake ; and, if he forgets himself, is plaguy apt to get bundled out faster than he came in ; and I got up and walked away to the other side. Folks gave him the nickname of Endicot's dog arter that, and I was glad on it ; it sarved him right, the consaited ass. I heerd the critter amutterin' sun'thin' of the Clockmaker illustratin' his own case, but, as I didn't want to be parsonal, I made as if I didn't hear him. As I went over towards the side table, who should I see aleanin' up against it but Mr. Bobbin, pretty considerably well shaved, with a glass o' grog in his hand, alookin' as cross as you please, and so far gone, he was athinkin' aloud, and atalkin' to himself. There comes I TALKING LATIN. 71 " soft sawder," says he, and " human natur'," — ameanin me, — a Yankee broom, — wooden nutmegs, — cussed sarcy, — great mind to kick him. Arabella's got her head turned, — consaited minx ; — good exterior, but nothin' in her, — like Slick's clocks, all gilded and varnished outside, and soft wood within. Gist do for Ivory Hovey, — same breed, — big head, — long ears, — a pair of donkeys ! Shy old cock, that dea- con, — ;joins Temperance Societies to get popular, — slips the gin in, pretends it's water ; — I see him. But here goes, I be- lieve I'll slip off. Thinks I, it's gettin' on for mornin' ; I'll slip off too ; so out I goes and harnesses up Old Clay, and drives home. Gist as I came from the barn and got opposite to the house, I heerd some one acrackin' of his whip, and abawlin' out at a great size, and I looked up, and who should I see but Bobbin in his wagon ag'in the pole fence. Comin' in the air had itnade him blind drunk. He was alickin' away at the top pole of the fence, and afancying his horse was there, and wouldn't go. — Who comes there 1 said he. Clockmaker, said I. Gist take my horse by the head, — that's a good feller, — will you ? said he, and lead him out as far as the road. Cuss him, he won't stir. Spiles a good horse to lead him, says I ; he al- ways looks for it again. Gist you lay it on to him well, — his hams ain't made o' hickory like mine. Cut away at him ; he'll go by and by ; — and I drove away and left him acuttin' and aslashin' at the fence for dear life. Thinks I, you are not the first ass that has been brought to a poll, any how. Next day, I met Nabal. Well, said he, Mr. Slick, you hit your young trader rather hard last night ; but I warn't sorry to hear you, tho', for the critter is so full of consait, it will do him good. He wants to pull every one down to his own level, as he can't rise to theirs, and is for everlastin'ly spoutin' about House of Assembly business, officials, aristocrats, and such stuff; he'd be a plaguy sight better, in my mind, attendin' to his own business, instead of talkin' of other folks' ; and usin' his yardstick more, and his tongue less. And between you and me, Mr. Slick, said he, — tho' I hope you won't let on to any one that I said any thing to you about it — but atween ourselves, as we are alone here, I am athinkin' my old woman is in a fair way to turn Arabella's head too. All this paintin', and singin', and talkin' Latin, is very well, I consait, for them who have time for it, and nothin' better to do to home. It's better p'r'aps to be adoin' of that than adoin' of nothin' ; but 72 THE CLOCKMAKER. for the like o' us, who have to live by farmin', and keep a considerable of a large dairy, and upwards of a hundred sheep, it does seem to me sometimes as if it were a little out of place. Be candid now, said he, for 1 should like to hear what your rael genuwi7ie opinion is touchin' this matter, seein' that you know a good deal of the world. Why, friend Nabal, says I, as you've asked my advice, I'll give it to you ; tho' any thin' partainin' to the apron-string is what I don't call myself a judge of, and feel delicate of med- dlin' with. Woman is woman, says I ; that's a fact ; and a feller that will go for to provoke hornets, is plaguy apt to get himself stung, and I don't know as it does not sarve him right too ; but this I must say, friend, that you're just about half right, — tliat's a fact. The proper music for a farmer's house is the spinnin'-wheel — the true paintin' the dye stuffs, — and the tambourin' the loom. Teach Arabella to be useful and not showy, prudent and not extravagant. She is gist about as nice a gall as you'll see in a day's ride ; now don't spoil her, and let her get her head turned, for it would be a rael right down pity. One thing you may depend on for sar- tain, as a maxim in the farmin' line, — a good darter and a good housekeeper, is plaguy apt to make a good wife and a good mother. CHAPTER IX. TIIE SNOW WREATH. Whoever has read Haliburton's History of Nova Scotia (which, next to Mr. Josiah Slick's History of Cuttyhunk, in five volumes, is the most important account of unimportant things I have ever seen,) will recollect that this good city of Annapolis is the most ancient one in North America ; but chere is one fact omitted by that author, which I trust he will not think an intrusion upon his province, if I take the liberty of recording, and that is, that in addition to its being the most ancient — it is also the most loyal city of this Western Hemi- sphere. This character it has always sustained, and " royal," as a mark of peculiar favor, has ever been added to its cog- nomen by every government that has had dominion over it. F' 'er the French, with whom it was a great favorite, it THE SNOW WREATH. 73 was called Port Royal ; and the good Queen Anne, who con- descended to adopt it, permitted it to be called Annapolis Royal. A book issuing from Nova Scotia is, as Blackwood very justly observes, in his never-to-be-forgotten, nor ever- to-be-sufficiently-admired review of the first series of this work, one of those unexpected events that from their great improbability, appear almost incredible. Entertaining no doubt, therefore, that every member of the cabinet will read this lusus JiaturtB, I take this opportunity of informing them that our most gracious Sovereign Queen Victoria, has not in- all her wide-spread dominions more devoted or loyal subjects than the good people of Annapolis Royal. Here it was, said I, Mr. Slick, that the egg was laid of that American bird, whose progeny have since spread over this immense continent. Well, it is a most beautiful bird too, ain't it ? said he ; what a plumage it has ! what a size it is ! It is a whopper — that's sartain ; it has the courage and the soarin' of the eagle, and the colour of the peacock, and his majestic step and keen eye ; the world never seed the beat of it ; that's a fact. How streaked the English must feel when they think they once had it in the cage and could'nt keep it there; it is a pity they are so invyous tho', I declare. Not at all, I assure you, I replied ; there's not a man among them who is not ready to admit all you have advanced in favour of your na- tional emblem ; the fantastic strut of the peacock, the melodi- ous and attic tones, the gaudy apparel, the fondness for display which is perpetually exhibiting to the world the ex- tended tail with painted stars, the amiable disposition of the bird towards the younger and feebler offspring of others, the unwieldy I thought so, said he; I had'nt ought to have spoke of it afore you, for it does seem to ryle you ; that's sartain ; and I don't know as it was gist altogether right to allude to a thin' that is so humblin' to your national pride. But, squire, ain't this been a hot day 1 I think it would pass muster among the hot ones of the West Indgies a'most. 1 do wish I could gist slip off my flesh and sit in my bones for a space, to cool myself, for I ain't seed such thawy weather this many a year, I know. I calculate I will brew a little lemonade, for Marm Bailey ginerally keeps the materials for that Tem- perance Society drink. This climate o' Nova Scotia does run to extremes ; it has t!>e hottest and the coldest days in it I ever seed. I shall never forget a night I spent here three winters ago. I come very 7 74 THE CLOCKMAKER. near freezin' to death. The very thought of that night will cool me the hottest day in summer. It was about the latter eend of February, as far as my memory sarves me, I came down here to cross over the bay to St. John, and it was con- siderable arter daylight down when I arrived. It was the most violent slippery weather, and the most cruel cold, I think, I ever mind seein' since I was raised. Says Marm Bailey to me, Mr. Slick, says she, I don't know what onder the sun I'm agoin' to do with you, or how I shall be able to accommodate you, for there's a whole raft of folks from Halifax here, and a batch of moose-hunting officers, and I don't know who all ; and the house is chuck full , I declare. Well, says I, I'm no ways partikilar — I can put up with most anything. I'll gist take a stretch here, afore the fire on the floor ; — for I'm e'en a'most chilled to death, and awful sleepy too; first come, says I, first sarved, you know's an old rule, and luck's the word now-a days. Yes, I'll gist take the hearth- rug for it, and a good warm birth it is too. Well, says she, I can't think o' that at no rate : there's old Mrs. Fairns in the next street but one ; she's got a spare bed she lets out some- times : I'll send up to her to get it ready for you, and to-mor- row these folks will be off, and then you can have your old quarters again. So arter supper, old Johnny Farquhar, the English help, showed me up to the widder's. She was considerable in years, but a cheerfulsome old lady and very pleasant, but she had a darter, the prettiest gall I ever seed since I was created. There was somethin' or another about her that made a body feel melancholy too ; she was a lovely-looking critter, but her countenance was sad ; she was tall and well-made, had beau- tiful lookin' long black hair and black eyes ; but oh ! how pale she was ! — and the only colour she had was a little fever- like lookin' red about her lips. She was dressed in black, which made her countenance look more marble-like ; and yet whatever it was, — natur', or consumption, or desartion, or set- , tin' on the anxious benches, or what not, that made her look so, yet she hadn't fallen away one morsel, but was full formed i and well waisted. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. I felt a kind o' interest in her; I seemed as if I'd like to hear her story, for somethin' or another had gone wrong, — that was clear ; some little story of the heart, most like, foj young galls are plaguy apt to have a tender spot thereabouts. She never smiled, and when she looked on me, she looked so THE SNOW-WREATH. 75 streaked and so sad, and cold withal, it made me kinder su- perstitious. Her voice, too, was so sweet, and yet so doleful, that I felt proper sorry, and amazin' curious too ; thinks J, I'll gist ax to-morrow all about her, for folks have pretty cute ears in Annapolis ; there ain't a smack of a kiss that ain't heerd all over town in two two's and sometimes they think they heer 'em even afore they happen. It's a'most a grand place for news, like all other §mall places I ever seed. Well, I tried jokin' and funny stories, and every kind o' thing to raise a larf, but all wouldn't do ; she talked and listened and chatted away as if there was nothin' above partikiler ; but still no smile ; her face was cold and clear and bright as the icy sur- face of a lake, and so transparent too, you could see the veins in it. Arter awhile, the old lady showed me to my chamber, and there was a fire in it ; but oh ! my sakes, how cold ! it was like goin' down into a well in summer — it made my blood fairly thicken ag'in. Your tumbler is out, squire ; try a little more of that lemonade ; that iced water is grand. Well, I sot over the fire a space, and gathered up the little bits o' brands and kindlin' wood, (for the logs were green, and wouldn't burn up at no rate ;) and then I ondressed and made a despe- rate jump right into -the cold bed with only half clothes enough on it for such weather, and wrapped up all the clothes around me. Well, I thought I should have died. The frost was in the sheets, — and my breath looked like the steam from a boilin' tea-kettle, and it settled right down on the quilt, and froze into white hoar. The nails in the house cracked like a gun with a wet wad, — they went off like thunder, and, now and then, you'd hear some one run along ever so fast, as if he couldn't show his nose to it for one minit, and the snow crack- in' and crumplin' onder his feet, like a new shoe with a stiff sole to it. The fire wouldn't blaze no longer, and only gave up a blue smoke, and the glass in the window looked all fuzzy with the frost. Thinks I, I'll freeze to death to a sartainty. If I go for to drop off asleep, as sure as the world I'll never wake up ag'in. I've heerin' tell of folks afore now feelin' dozy like, out in the cold, and layin' down to sleep, and goin' for it, and I don't half like to try it, I vow. Well, I got con- siderable narvous like, and I kept awake near about all night, tremblin' and shakiri' like ague. My teeth fairly chattered ag'in ; first I rubbed one foot ag'in another, — then I doubled up all on a heap, and then rubbed all over with my hands Oh ! it was dismal, you may depend ; — at last I began to nod 76 THE CLOCKMAKER. and doze, and fancy I seed a flock of sheep atakin' a split for it, over a wall, and tried to count 'em, one by one, and couldn't ; and then I'd start up, and then nod ag'in. I felt it acomin' all over, in spite of all 1 could do ; and, thinks I, it ain't so ever- lastin' long to day-light now ; I'll try it any how — I'll be darn'd if I don't — so here goes. Just as I shot my eyes, and made up my mind for a nap, I hears a low moan and a sob ; well, I sits up, and listens, but all was silent again. Nothin' but them etarnal nails agoin' off, one arter t'other, like anything. Thinks I to myself, the wind's a gettin' up, I estimate ; it's as like as not we shall have a change o' the weather. Presently I heerd a light step on the entry, and the door opens softly, and in walks' the wid- der's darter on tip toe, dressed in a long white wrapper, and after peerin' all round to see if I was asleep, she goes and sits down in the chimney corner, and picks up the coals and fixes the fire, and sits alookin' at it for ever so long. Oh ! so sad, and so melancholy ; it w^as dreadful to see her. Says I, to myself, says I, what on airth brings the poor critter here, all alone, this time o'night ; and the air so plaguy cold too. I guess, she thinks I'll freeze to death ; or, perhaps, she's walkin' in her sleep. But there she sot lookin' more like a ghost than human — first she warmed one foot, and then the other ; and then held her hands over the coals, and moaned bitterly. Dear ! dear ! thinks I, that poor critter is a freezin' to death as well as me ; I do believe the world is comin' to an eend right off, and we shall all die of cold, and I shivered all over. Presently she got up, and I saw her face part covered, with her long black hair, and the other parts so white and so cold, it chilled me to look at it, and her foot steps I corsaited sounded louder, and I cast my eyes down to her feet, and I actilly did fancy they looked froze. Well, she come near the bed, and lookin' at me, stood for a space without stirrin', and then she cried bitterly. He, too, is doomed, said she ; he is in the sleep of death, and so far from home, and all his friends too. Not yet, said I, you dear critter you, not yet, you may depend ; — but you will be, if you don't go to bed ; — so says I, do for gracious sake, return to your room, or you will perish. It's frozen, says she ; it's deathly cold ; the bed is a snow- wreath, and the pillow is ice, and the coverli i is congealed ; the chill ha? struck into my heart, and my b/ood has ceased to flow Tm doomed, I'm doomed to die and oh ! how strange, how cold is death ! Well, I was al struck up of a THB SNOW WREATH. 77 heap ; I didn't know what on airth to do ; says I to myself, says I, here's this poor gall in my room carryin' on like ravin' distracted mad in the middle of the night here ; she's oneasy in her mind, and is awalkin' as sure as the world, and how it's agoin' to eend, I don't know — that's a fact. Katey, says I, dear, I'll get up and give you my bed if you are cold, and I'll go and make up a great rousin' big fire, and I'll call up the old lady, and she will see to you, and get you a hot drink ; somethin' must be done, to a sartainty, for I can't bear to hear you talk so. No, says she, not for the world ; what will my jnother say, Mr. Slick? and me here in your room, and nothin' but this vt^rapper on ; it's too late now ; it's all over ; and with that she fainted, and fell right across the bed. Oh ! how cold she was ! the chill struck into me ; I feel it yet ; the very thoughts is enough to give one the ague. Well, I'm a modest man, squire ; I was always modest from a boy ; but there was no time for ceremony now, for there was a sufferin' dyin' critter — so I drew her in, and folded her in my arms, in hopes she would come to, but death was there. I breathed on her icy lips, but life seemed extinct, and every time I pressed her to me, I shrunk from her till my back touched the cold gypsum wall. It felt like a tomb, so chill, so damp, so cold — (you have no notion how cold them are kind o' walls are, they beat all natur') — squeezed between this frozen gall on one side, and the icy plaster on the other, I felt as if my own life was aebbin' away fast. Poor critter ! says I, has her care of me brought her to this pass ? I'll press her to my heart once more ; p'r'aps the little heat that's left there may revive her, and I can but die a few minutes sooner. It was a last effort, but it succeeded ; she seemed to breathe again — I spoke to her, but she couldn't answer, tho' I felt her tears flow fast on my bosom ; but I was actilly sinkin' fast myself now — I felt my eend approachin'. Then came reflection, bitter and sad thoughts they were too, I tell you. Dear, dear ! said I; here's a pretty kettle o' fish, ain't there? we shall be both found dead here in the mornin', and what will folks say of this beautiful gall, and of one of our free and enlightened citizens, found in such a scrape ? Nothin' will be too bad for 'em that they can lay their tongues to ; that's a fact ; the Yankee villain, the cheatin' Clockmaker, the , the thought gave my heart a jupe, so sharp, so deep, so painful, I awoke and found I was ahuggin' a snow wreath, that had sifted thro' a hole in the roof on the bed; nart 7* 7& THE CLOCKMAKER. had melted and trickled down my breast, and part had froze to the clothes, and chilled me through. I woke up, proper glad it was all a dream, you may depend — but amazin' cold and dreadful stiif, and I was laid up at this place for three weeks with the 'cute rheumatis, — that's a fact. But your pale young friend, said I ; did you ever see her again? pray, what became of her? Would you believe it? said he ; the next mornin', when I came down, there sot Katey by the fire, lookin' as bloomin' as a rose, and as chipper as a canary bird ; — the fact is, I was so uncommon cold, and so sleepy too, the night afore, that I thought every body and every thing looked cold and dismal too. Mornin', sir, said she, as I entered the keepin' room ; mornin' to you, Mr. Slick ; how did you sleep last night ? I'm most afeard you found that are room dreadful cold, for little Biney opened the window at the head of the bed to make the fire draw and start the smoke up, and forgot to shut it again, and I guess it was wide open all night ; — I minded it arter I got to bed, and I thought I should ha' died a larfin'. Thank you, said I, for that ; but you forget you come and shot it yourself. Me! said she; I never did no such a thing. Catch me indeed agoin into a gentleman's chamber ; no, indeed, not for the world ! If I wasn't cold, said I, it's a pity, — that's all ; I was 'een a'most frozen as stiff* as a poker, and near about frightened to death too, for I seed you or your ghost last night, as plain as I see you now ; that's a fact. A ghost ! said she ; how you talk ! do tell. Why, how was that ? Well, I told her the whole story from beginning to eend. First she larfed ready to split at my account of the cold room, and my bein' afeard to go to sleep ; but then she stopt pretty short, I guess, and blushed like anything, when I told her about her comin' into the cham- ber, and looked proper frightened, not knowin' what was to come next ; but when she heerd of her turnin' first into an icecicle, and then into a snow-drift, she haw-hawed right out. I thought she actilly would have gone into hysterics. You might have frozen, said she, in rael right down earnest, afore I'd agone into your chamber at that time o'night to see arter you, or your fire either, said she, you may depend : I can't think what on airth could have put that are crotchet into your head. Nor I neither, said I ; and besides, said I, aketchin' hold of her hand, and drawin' her close to me, — and besides, says I, — I shouldn't have felt so awful cold neither, if yoa . Hold your tongue, said she, you goney you, this min» THE SNOW WREATH. 79 nit ; I won't hear another word about it, and go right off and get your breakfast, for you was sent for half an hour ago. Arter bein' mocked all night, says I, by them are icy lips of your ghost. Now I see them are pretty little sarcy ones of your'n, I think I must, and I'lPbe darned if I won't have a . Well, I estimate you won't, then, said she, you impe- dence, — and she did fend off like a brave one — that's a fact ; she made frill, shirt collar, and dickey, fly like snow ; she was as smart as a fox trap, and as wicked as a meat axe ; — there was no gettin' near her no how. At last, says she, if there ain't mother acomin', I do declare, and my hair is all spifli- cated, too, like a mop, — and my dress all rumfoozled, like any thing, — do, for gracious sake, set things to right a little, afore mother comes in, and then cut and run : my heart is in my mouth, I declare. Then she sot down in a chair, and put both hands behind her head a puttin' in her combs. Oh dear, said she, pretendin' to try to get away ; is that what you call puttin' things to rights ? Don't squeeze so hard ; you'll choke me, I vow. It tante me that's achokin' of you, says I, it's the heart that's in you^ mouth. Oh, if it had only been them lips instead of the ghost ! Quick, says she, aopenin' of the door, — I hear mother on the steps; — quick, be off; but mind you don't tell any one that ghost story ; people might think there was more in it than met the ear. Well, well, said I to myself, for a pale face, sad, melancholy lookin' gall, if you hav'n't turned out as rosy a rompin', larkin', light-hearted a heifer as ever I seed afore, it's a pity. — There's another lemon left, squire, s'pose we mix a little more sourin' afore we turn in, and take another glass " to the widder's darter." CHAPTER X. THE TALISMAN. It was our intention to have left Annapolis this morning after breakfast, and proceeded to Digby, a small but beautiful village, situated at the entrance of that magnificent sheet of water, once known as Port Royal Bason, but lately by the more euphonious appellation of the " Gut." But Mr. Slick was missing, nor could any trace of him be found ; I there- fore ordered the horse again to the stable, and awaited his bU THE CLOCKMAKER. return with all due patience. It was five o'clock in the after- noon before he made his appearance. Sorry to keep you awaitin', said he, but I got completely let in for it this morn- in'; I put my foot in it, you may depend. I've got a grand story to tell you, and one that will make you larf too, I know. Where do you think I've been of all places onder the sun ? Why, I've been to court ; that's a fact. I seed a great crowd of folks about the door, and thinks I, who's dead, and what's to pay now 1 I think I'll just step in for a minit and see. What's on the carpet to-day? says I to a blue nose; what's goin' on here 1 Why, said he, they are agoin' for to try a Yankee. What for ? said I. Steelin', says he. A Yankee, says I to myself; well, that's strange too; that beats me any- how ; I never heerd tell of a Yankee bein' such a born fool as to steal. If the feller has been such a ravin' destracted goney, I hope they will hang him, the varmint ; that's a fact. It's mostly them thick-skulled, wrong-headed, cussed stupid fools the British that do that are ; they ain't brought up well, and hav'n't got no edication ; but our folks know better; they've been better larned than to do the like o' that — they can get most any thing they want by gettin' hold on the right eend in a bargain; they do manage beautiful in a trade, a slight o' hand, a loan, a failin', a speckelation, swamp, thimble-rig, or some how or another, in the regular way within the law ; but as for steelin' — never — I don't believe he's a Yankee. No, thinks I, he can't be American, bred and born, for we are too enlighened for that, by a long chalk. We have a great respect for the laws, squire ; we've been bred to that, and always uphold the dignity of the law. I recollect once that some of our young citizens away above Montgomery got into a flareup with a party of boatmen that lives on the Mississippi ; a desperate row it was, too, and three of the Kentuckians were killed as dead as herrins'. Well, they were had up for it afore Judge Cotton. He was one of our revolutionary heroes, a starn, hard-featured old man, quite a Cato — and he did curry 'em down with a heavy hand, you may depend ; — he had no marcy on 'em. There he sot with his hat on, a cigar in his mouth, his arms folded, and his feet over the rail, lookin' as sour as an onripe lemon. Bring up them cul- prits, said he, and when they were brought up he told 'em it was scandalous, and only fit for English and ignorant foreigners that sit on the outer porch of darkness, and not high-minded intelligent Americans. You are a disgrace, said THE TALISMAN. * 81 he, to our great nation, and I hope I shall never hear the like of it ag'in. If I do, I'll put you on trial as sure as you are born, I hope I may be skinned alive by wild cats, if I don't. Well, they didn't like this kind o' talk at all, so that night away they goes to the judge's house to teach him a thing or two, with a cowskin, and kicked up a deuce of a row ; and what do you think the neighbours did? Why, they gist walked in, seized the ringleaders and lynched them in less than ten minits, on one of the linden trees afore the judge's door. They said the law mvst he vindicated — and that courts must be upheld by all quiet, orderly people, for a terror to evil-doers. The law must take its course. No, thinks I, he can't be a Yankee ; — if he was, and had awanted the article, he would ha' done him out of it, p'r'aps in a trade, bein' too experienced a man of business for him ; but steal it, never, never — I don't believe it, I vow. Well, I walked into the court-house, and there was a great crowd of folks there, a jabberin' and a talkin' away like any thing (for blue nose needn't turn his back on any one for talkin' — the critter is all tongue, like an old horse)-^presently in come one or two young lawyers, in a dreadful hurry, with great piles of books under their arms with white leather covers, and great bundles of papers tied with red tape, and put 'em down on the table afore 'em, lookin' very big with the quantity of larnin' they carried ; thinks I, young shavers, if you had more of that in your heads, and less under your arms, you would have the use of your hands to play with your thumbs, when you had nothin' to do. Then came in one or two old lawyers, and sot down and nodded here and there, to some o' the upper-crust folks o' the county, and then shook hands amazin' hearty with the young lawyers, and the young lawyers larfed, and the old ones larfed, and they all nodded their heads together like a flock of geese agoin' thro' a gate. Presently the sheriff calls out at the tip end of his voice, " Clear the way for the judge ;" — and the judge walks up to the bench, lookin' down to his feet to see he didn't tread on other folks' toes, and put his arm behind his back, and twirls the tail of his gown over it so, that other folks mightn't tread on his'n. Well, when he gets to the bench, he stands up as straight as a liberty pole, and the lawyers all stand up straight too, and clap their eyes on his till he winks, and then both on 'em slowly bend their bodies forward till they nearly touch 82 \ THE CLOCKMAKER. the tables with their noses, and then they sot down, and the judge took a look all round, as if he saw every thing in gine- ral and nothin' in partikilar — I never seed anything so queer afore, I vow. It puts me in mind o' the Chinese, but they bob their foreheads clean away down to the very floor. Well, then, said the crier, " Oh yes ! Oh yes ! His Majes- ty's (I mean her Majesty's) court is now opened. God save the King (I mean the Queen.)" Oh ! if folks didn't larf it's a pity — for I've often obsarved it takes but a very small joke to make a crowd larf. They'll larf at nothin' amost. Silence, said the sheriff, and all was as still as moonlight. It looked strange to me, you may depend, for the lawyers looked like so many ministers all dressed in black gowns and white bands on, only they acted more like players than preachers, a plaguy sight. But, said I, is not this the case in your country ; is there not some sort of professional garb worn by the bar of the United States, and do not the barristers and the court exchange those salutations which the common courtesies of life not only sanction but imperatively require as essential to the preserva- tion of mutual respect and general good breeding? What on airth, said the Clockmaker, can a black gound have to do with intelligence ? Them sort of liveries may do in Europe, but they don't convene to our free and enlightened citizens. It's too foreign for us, too unphilosophical, too feudal, and a rem- nant o' the dark ages. No sir ; our lawyers do as they like. Some on 'em dress in black, and some in white ; some carry walking-sticks, and some umbrallas, some whittle sticks with pen-knives, and some shave the table, and some put their legs under the desks, and some put 'em a top of them, just as it suits them. They sit as they please, dress as they please, and talk as they please ; we are a free people. I guess if a judge in our country was to order the lawyers to appear all dressed in black, they'd soon ax him who elected him director- general of fashions, and where he found such arbitrary power in the constitution, as that, committed to any man. But I was agoin' to tell you 'bout the trial. — Presently one o' the old lawyers got up, and said he. My lord, said he, I woue, your lordship, that the prisoner may be brought up. And if it warn't a mom it was a pity. The lawyer moved the judge, and the judge moved the sheriff, and the sheriff moved the crowd, for they all moved out together, leavin' hardly any one on them, but the judge and the lawyers ; and in a few minits they all moved back ag'in with a prisoner. THE TALISMAN. 83 They seemed as if they had never seen a prisoner before. When they came to call the jury they did'nt all answer ; so says the sheriff to me, walk in the box — you sir, with the blue coat. Do you indicate me, sir ? said I. Yes, says he, I do ; walk inThe box. I give you thanks, sir, says I, but I'd rather stand where I be ; I've no occasion to sit ; and besides, I guess, I must be a movin.' Walk in the box, sir, said he, and he roared like thunder. And, says the judge, a lookin' up, and smilin' and speakin' as soft as if butter wouldn't melt in his mouth, you 7nust walk in the box, sir. Well, says I, to oblige you, says I, my lord, I will; but there don't seem much room in it to walk, I vow. You are called upon, sir, says the judge, as a talisman ; take your seat in the box, and be silent. If I must, says I, I do suppose I must ; but I don't like the office, and I don't believe I've got a marker about me ; but if you've are a piece of chalk about you, or could give me or lend me an old pencil, I'll try to cipher it as well as I can, and do my possibles to give you satisfaction, my lord. What are you atalkin' about, sir ? said he — w hat do you mean by such nonsense? Why, says I, my lord, I've been told tha^in this country, and indeed I know it is the practice almost all over ourn for the jury to chalk, that is, every man chalks down on the wall his vote ; one man ten pounds, one twenty, another thirty, and another five pounds, and so ; and then they add them all up, and divide by twelve, and that makes the vardict. Now if I'm to be talysman says I, and keep count , I'll chalk it as straight as a boot-jack. The judge throwed himself back in his chair, and turning to the sheriff, says he, is it possible, Mr. Sheriff, that such an abomiilable practice as this exists in this country 1 or that people, under the solemn obligation of an oath, can conduct themselves with so much levity as to make their verdict depend upon chance, and not upon reason? If I was to know an instance of the kind, said he, — and he looked battle, murder, and sudden death — I'd both fine and imprison the jury — I would, by (and he gave the corner 75f his mouth a twist just in time to keep in an oath that was on the tip of his tongue,) and he hesitated a little to think how to get out of the scrape — at least I consaited so — by and with the full consent of my brethren on the bench. I have my suspicions, said the Clockmaker, that the judge had heerd tell of that practice afore, and was only waitin' foi a complaint to take notice of it regiiar-like, for them old judges are as cunnin' as foxes ,* and if he had, I must say he did do 84 THE CLOCKMAKER. the surprise very well, for he looked all struck up of a heap, like a vessel taken aback with a squall, agoin' down starn foremost. Who is that man 1 said he. I am a clockmaker, sir, said I. I didn't ask you what you were, sir, says l#, acolorin' up, I asked you who you were. I'm Mr. Samuel Slick of Slick- ville, sir, says I, a clockmaker from Onion County, State of Connecticut, in the United States of America. You are exempt, said he — you may walk ovt of the box. Thinks I to myself, old chap, next time you want a talisman take one of your own folks, will you ? Well, when I looked up to the prisoner, sure enough I seed he was one of our citizens, one "Expected Thorne," of our town, an endless villain, that had been two or three times in the State's prison. The case was a very plain one. Captain Billy Slocum produced a watch, which he said was his'n ; he said he went our arter dinner, leavin' his watch ahangin' up over the mantle piece, and when he returned to tea it was gone, and that it was found in Expected Thome's possession. Long before the evidence was gone through, I seed he was guilty, the villain. There is a sort of freemasonry in hippocrasy, squire, you may depend. It has its signs and looks by which the brotherhood know each other ; and as charity hopeth all things, and forgiveth all things, these appeals of the elect of each other from the lowest depths of woe, whether conveyed by the eye, the garb, or the tongue, are seldom made in vain. Expected had seed too much of the world, I estimate, not to know that. If he hadn't his go-to-meetin' dress and looks on this day to do the jury, it's a pity. He had his hair combed down as straight as a horse's mane ; a little thin white cravat, nicely plaited and tied plain, garnished his neck, as a white towel does a dish of calves' head — a standin' up collar to his coat gave it the true cut, and the gilt buttons covered with cloth eschewed the gaudy ornaments of sinful, carnal man. He looked as demure as a harlot at a christenin' — drew down the corners of his mouth, so as to contract the trumpet of his nose, and give the right base twang to the voice, and turned up the whites of his eyes, as if he had been in the habit ol lookin' in upon the inner man for self-examination ana reproach. Oh, he looked like a martyr ; gist like a man who would suffer death for conscience sake, and forgive his enemies with his dyin' breath. Gentlemen of the jury, says Expected, I am a stranger and THE TALISMAN. 85 a sojourner in this land, but I have many friends and receive much kindness, thanks be to divine Providence for all his goodness to me a sinner ; and I don't make no doubt that tho' i be a stranger, his lordship's honor will, under Providence, gee justice done to me. The last time I was to Captain Billy's house I seed his watch, and that it was out of order, and I offered to clean it and repair it for him for nothin', free gratis, that I can't prove. But Pll tell you what / can prove, and it's a privilege for which I desire to render thanks ; that when that gentleman, the constable, came to me, and said he came about the watch, I said to him, right out at once, " She's cleaned, says I, but wants regulatin'; if Captain Billy is in a hurry for her he can have her, but he had better leave her two or three days to get the right beat." And never did I deny havin' it as a guilty man would have done. And, my lord, said he, and gentlemen of the jury (and he turned up his ugly cantin' mug full round to the box) — I trust I know too well the awful account 1 must one day give of the deeds done in the flesh to peril my immortal soul for vain, idle, sinful toys ; and he held up his hands together, and looked upwards till his eyes turned in like them are ones in a marble statue, and his lips kept amovin' some time as if he was lost in inward prayer. Well, the constable proved it word for word, and the judge said it did appear that there was some mistake ; at all events, it did not appear there was evidence of a felonious takin', and he was acquitted. As soon as it was over. Expected comes to me in the corner, and, says he, quite bold like, Mornin', Slick, how do you do ? And then whisperin' in my ear, says he. Didn't I do 'em pretty 1 cuss 'em — that's all. Let old Connecticut alone yet — she's too much for any on 'em, I know. The truth is, the moment I seed that cussed critter, that constable acomin', I seed his arrand with half an eye, and had that are story ready-iongued and grooved for him, as quick as wink. Says I, I wish they had ahanged you, with all my heart ; it's such critters as you that lower the national character of our free and enlightened citizens, and degrade it in the eyes of foreigners. The eyes of foreigners be d d ! said he. Who cares what they think ? — and as for these blue noses, they ain't able to think. They ain't got two ideas to bless themselves with, — the stupid, punkin-headed, concaited blockheads ! — cuss me if they have. Well, says I, they ain't such an enlightened people as we are, that's sartain, but that 8 86 THE CLOCKMAKER. don't justify you a bit ; you hadn't ought to have stolen that watch. That was wrong, very wrong indeed. You might have traded with him, and got it for half nothin' ; or bought it and failed, as some of our importin' marchants sew up the soft-horned British ; or swapped it and forgot to give the ex- change ; or bought it and give your note, and cut stick afore the note came due. There's a thousand ways of doin' it honestly and legally, without resortin', as foreigners do, to stealin'. We are a moral people, — a religious, a high-minded, and a high-spirited people ; and can do any, and all the na- tions of the univarsal world, out of any thing, in the hundred of millions of clever shifts there are in trade ; but as for stealin', I despise it ; it's a low, blackguard, dirty, mean ac- tion ; and I must say you're a disgrace to our great nation. An American citizen never steals^ he only gains the advan- tage ! CHAPTER XI. ITALIAN PAINTINGS. The next morning we resumed our journey, and travelling through the township of Clements, and crossing Moose and Bear rivers, reached Digby early in the afternoon. It was a most delightful drive. When we left Annapolis, the fog was slowly rising from the low grounds and resting on the hills, to gather itself up for a flight into upper air, disclosing, as it departed, ridge after ridge of the Granville Mountain, which lay concealed in its folds, and gradually revealing the broad and beautiful basin that extends from the town to Digby. I am too old now for romance, and, what is worse, I am corpulent. I find, as I grow stout, I grow less imaginative. One cannot serve two masters. I longed to climb the moun- lain-peak, to stand where Champlain stood, and imagine the scene as it then was, when his prophetic eye caught revela- tions of the future ; to visit the holy well where the rite of baptism was first performed in these provinces ; to trace the first encampments, — the ruins of the rude fortifications, — the first battle-ground. But, alas ! the day is gone. I must leave the field to more youthful competitors. I can gratify my eye as I drive along the road, but I must not venture into the for- est. The natural ice-house, — the cascade, — the mountain ITALIAN PAINTINGS. 87 lake, — the Jbeaver's dam, — the General's bridge, — the apocry- phal Rosignol, — the iron-mines, — and last, not least, the In- dian antiquities, — in short, each and all of the lions of this interesting place, that require bodily exertion to be seen, — I leave to succeeding travellers. I visit men, and not places. Alas ! has it come to this at last^ — to gout and port wine 1 Be it so : — I will assume the privilege of old age, and talk. At a short distance from the town of Annapolis, we passed the Court House, the scene of Mr. Slick's adventures the pre- ceding day, and found a crowd of country people about the door. More than a hundred horses were tied to the fences on either side of the road, and groups of idlers were seen scat- tered about on the lawn, either discussing the last verdict, or anticipating the jury in the next. I think, said Mr. Slick, we have a right to boast of the jus- ticiary of our two great nations ; for yourn is a great nation, — that is a fact ; and if all your colonies were joined together, and added on to Old England, she would be most as great a nation as ourn. You have good reason to be proud of your judiciary, said I ; if profound learning, exalted talent, and in- flexible integrity can make an establishment respectable, the Supreme Court of the United States is pre-eminently so ; and I have heard, from those who have the honour of their ac- quaintance, that the judges are no less distinguished for their private worth than their public virtues. I rejoice that it is so, for I consider the justiciary of America as its sheet-anchor. Amidst the incessant change of men and institutions so con- spicuous there, this forms a solitary exception. To the per- manency and extensive power of this court you are indebted for the only check you possess, either to popular tumult or arbitrary power, affording, as it does, the only effectual means of controlling the conflicts of the local and general govern- ments, and rendering their movements regular and harmo- nious. It is so, said he ; but your courts and ourn are both tarred with the same stick; — they move too slow. I recollect, once I was in Old Kentuck, and a judge was sentencin' a man to death for murder : says he, " Sooner or later, punishment is sure to overtake the guilty man. The law moves slow, but it is sure and sartain. Justice has been represented with a heel of lead, from its slow and measured pace ; but its hand is a hand of iron, and its blow is death." Folks said it was a beautiful idea that, and every chap that you met said, Ain't 88 ^ THE CLOCKMAKER. that splendid ? — did ever old Mansfield or Ellen Borough come up to that ? Well, says I, they might come up to that, and not go very far neither. A funny sort o' figure of justice that ; when it's so plaguy heavy-heeled, most any one can outrun it ; and when its great iron fist strikes so uncommon slow, a chap that's any way spry is e'en a'most sure to give it the dodge. No ; they ought to clap on more steam. The French courts are the courts for me. I had a case once in Marsailles, and if the judge didn't turn it out of hand ready hooped and headed in less than no time, it's a pity. But I believe I must first tell you how I came for to go there. In the latter eend of the year twenty-eight, I think if was, if my memory sarves me, I was in my little back studio to SHckville, with off coat, apron on, and sleeves up, as busy as a bee, abronzin' and gildin' of a clock case, when old Snow, the nigger-help, popped in his head in a most a terrible of a^ conflustrigation, and says he, master, says he, if there ain't Massa Governor and the Gineral at the door, as I'm alive ! what on airth shall I say 1 Well, says I, they have caught me at a nonplush, that's sartain ; but there's no help for it as I see, — shew 'em in. Mornin', says I, gentlemen, how do you do 1 I am sorry, says I, I didn't know of this pleasure in time to have received you respectfully. You have taken me at a short, that's a fact ; and the worst of it is, — I can't shake hands along with you neither, for one hand, you see, is all covered with isle, and t'other with copper bronze. Don't mention it, Mr. Slick, said his excellency, I beg of you ; — the fine arts do sometimes require detergants, and there is no help for it. But that's a most a beautiful thing, said he, you are adoin' of; may I presume to chatichise what it is? Why, said I, governor, that landscape on the right, with the great white two-story liouse in it, havin' a washin' tub of apple sarce on one side and a cart chockfull of punkin pies on t'other, with the gold letters A. P. over it, is intended to repre- sent this land of promise, our great country, Amerika ; and the gold letters A. P. initialise it Airthly Paradise. Well, says he, who is that he one on the left ? — I didn't intend them let- ters H and E to indicate he at all, said I, tho' I see now they do ; I guess I must alter that. That tall graceful figur', says I, with wings, carryin' a long Bowie knife in his right hand, and them small winged figures in the rear, with little rifles, ITALIAN PAINTINGS. 89 are angels emigratin' from heaven to this country. H and E means heavinly emigrants. Its alle — go — ry. — And a beautiful alle — go — ry it is, said he, and well calculated to give foreigners a correct notion of our young growin' and great Republic. It is a fine conception that. It is worthy of West. How true to life — how much it conveys — how many chords it strikes. It addresses the heart — it's splendid. Hallo ! says I to myself, what's all this ? It made me look up at him. Thinks I to myself, you laid that soft sawder on pretty thick anyhow. I wonder whether you are in rael right down airne-st, or whether you are only arter a vote. Says he, Mr. Slick, it was on the subject of pictur's, we called. It's a thing I'm enthusiastic upon myself; but my official duties leave me no time to fraternise with the brush. I've been actilly six weeks adoin' of a bunch of grapes on a chair, and it's not yet done. The department of paintin' in our Athe- neum, — in this risin' and flourishin' town of Slickville — is placed under the direction of the general and myself, and we propose detailing you to Italy to purchase some originals for our gallery, seein' that you are a native artist yourself, and have more practical experience than most of our citizens. There is a great aspiration among our free and enlightened youth for perfection, whether in the arts or sciences. Your expenses will be paid, and eight dollars a day while absent on this diplomacy. One thing, however, do pray remember, — dont bring any pictur's that will evoke a blush on female cheeks, or cause vartue to stand afore 'em with averted eyes or indignant looks. The statues imported last year we had to clothe, both male and female, from head to foot, for they actilly came stark naked, and were right down ondecent. One of my factory ladies went into fits on seein' 'em, that lasted her a good hour ; she took Jupiter for a rael human, and said she thought she had got into a bathin' room among the men by mistake. Her narves received a heavy shock, poor critter; she said she never would forget what she seed there the long- est day she lived. So none o' your Potiphar's wives, or Su- sannahs, or sleepin' Venuses ; such pictur's are repugnant to the high tone o' moral feelin' in this country. Oh Lord ! I thought I should have split ; I darsn't look up, for fear I should abust out a larfin' in his face, to hear him talk so spooney about that are factory gall. Thinks I to myself, how delicate she is, ain't she ! If a common marble 8* 90 THE CLOCKMAKER, statue threw her into fits, what would . And here he laughed so immoderately it was some time before he resumed intelligibly his story. Well, says he at last, if there is one thing I hate more nor another it is that cussed mock modesty some galls have, pre- tendin' they don't know nothin'. It always shows they know too much. Now, says his excellency, a pictur', Mr. Slick, may exhibit great skill and great beauty, and yet display very little flesh beyond the face and the hands. You apprehend me, don't you ? A nod's as good as a wink, says I, to a blind horse ; if 1 can't see thro' a ladder, I reckon I'm not fit for that mission ; and, says I, though I say it myself, that shouldn't say it, I must say, I do account myself a consider- able of a judge of these matters, — I won't turn my back on any one in my line in the Union. I think so, said he, the ,*lle — go — ry you jist show'd me displays taste, tact, and a consummate knowledge of the art. Without genius there can be no invention, — no plot without skill, and no character with- out the power of discrimination. I should like to associate with you Ebenezer Peck, the Slickville Poet, in this diplomatic mission, if our funds authorized the exercise of this constitu- tional power of the executive committee, for the fine arts are closely allied, Mr. Slick. Poetry is the music of words, music is the poetry of sounds, and paintin' is the poetry of colours ; — what a sweet, interestin' family they be, ain't they 1 We must locate, domesticate, acclimate, and fraternate them among us. Conceivin' an elective governor of a free and enlightened people to rank before an hereditary prince, I have given you letters of introduction to the JGyetalian princes and the Pope, and have offered to reciprocate their attention should they visit Slickville. Farewell, my friend, farewell, and fail not to sus- tain the dignity of this great and enlightened nation abroad — farewell ! A very good man, the governor, and a genuwine patriot too, said Mr. Slick. He knowed a good deal about paintin', for he was a sign painter by trade ; but he oflen used to wade out too deep, and got over his head now and then afore he knowed it. He warn't the best o' swimmers neither, and sometimes I used to be scared to death for fear he'd go for it afore he'd touch bottom ag'in. Well, off I sot in a vessel to Leghorn, and I laid out there three thousand dollars in pictures. Rum- lookin' old cocks them saints, some on 'em too, with their long beards, bald heads, and hard featur's, bean't they 1 but I got ITALIAN PAINTINGS. 91 a lot of 'em of all sizes. I bought two madonnas I think they call them — beautijEul little pictur's they were too, — but the child's legs were so naked and ondecent, that to please the governor and his factory galls, I had an artist to paint trou- sers, and a pair of lace boots on him, and they look quite genteel now. It improved 'em amazin'ly ; but the best o' the joke was those Macaroni rascals, seein' me a stranger, thought to do me nicely (most infarnal cheats them dealers too, — walk' right into you afore you know where you be.) The older a pictur' was and the more it was blacked, so you couldn't see the figur's, the more they axed for it ; and they'd talk and jabber away about their Tittyan tints and Guido airs by the hour. How soft are we, ain't wet said I. Catch a weasel asleep, will you ? Second-hand farniture don't suit our mar- ket. 'We want pictur's, and not things that look a plaguy sight more like the shutters of an old smokehouse than paintin's, and I hope I may be shot if I didn't get bran new ones for half the price they asked for them rusty old veterans. Our folks were well pleased with the shipment, and I ought to be too, for I made a trifle in the discount of ^fteen per cent, for comin' down handsom' with the cash on the spot. Our Atheneum is worth seein' I tell you ; you wont ditto it easy, I know ; it's actilly a sight to behold. But I was agoin' to tell you about the French court. Arter I closed the consarn about the pictur's, and shipped 'em off in a Cape Codder that was there, I fell in with some of our folks on their way to London, where I had to go to afore I returned home ; so, says I, s'pose we hire a vessel in Co. and go by water to Marsailles ; we'll get on faster and considerable cheaper too, I calculate, than agoin' by land. Well, we hired an jEyetaliano to take us, and he was to find us in bed, board, and liquor, and we paid him one-third in advance, to enable him to do it genteel ; but the everlastin' villain, as soon as he got us out to sea, gave us no bed-clothes and nothin' to eat, and we almost perished with hunger and damp, so when we got to Marsailles, Meo friendo, says I, for I had picked up a little Eyetalmn, meo friendo, cumma longo alia courto, will you ? and I took him by the scruff of the neck and toated him into court. Where is de pappia ? says a little skip-jack of a French judge, that was chock full of grins and grimaces like a monkey arter a pinch of snuff, — where is de pappia 1 So I handed him up the pappia signed by the master, and then proved how he cheated us. No sooner said than done, Mount 92 THE CLOCKMAKER. Sheai Bull-frog, gave the case in our favour in two-twoes,. said EyetaVmno had got too much already, cut him off the other two-thirds, and made him pay all costs. If he didn't look bumsquabbled it's a pity. It took the rust off of him pretty slick, you may depend. Begar, he says to the skipper, you keep de bargain next time ; you von very grand damne rogue, and he shook his head and grinned like a crocodile, from ear to ear, all month and teeth. You may depend, I warn't long in Marsailles arter that. I cut stick and off, hot foot for the channel, without stopping to water the horses or liquor the drivers, for fear £i/etaliano would walk into my ribs with his stiletto, for he was as savage as a white bear afore breakfast. Yes, our courts move too slow. It was that ruinated Expected Thome. The first time he was taken up and sent to jail, he was as innocent as a child, but they kept him there so long afore his trial, it broke his spirits, and broke his pride, — and he came out as wicked as a devil. The great secret is speedy Justice. We have too much machinery in our courts, and I don't see but what we prize juries beyond their rael valy. One half the time with us they don't onderstand a thing, and the other half they are prejudiced. True, said I, but they are a great safe- guard to liberty, and indeed the only one in all cases between the government and the people. The executive can never tyrannize where they cannot convict, and juries never lend themselves to oppression. Tho' a corrupt minister may appoint corrupt judges, he can never corrupt a whole people. Well, said he, far be it from me to say they are no use, because I know and feel that they are in sartain cases most invaluable, but I mean to say that they are only a drag on business, and an expensive one too, one half the time. I want no better tribunal to try me or my cases than our supreme judges to Washington, and all I would ax is a resarved right to have a jury when I call for one. That right I never would yield, but that is all I would ax. You can see how the lawyers valy each by the way they talk to 'em. To the court they are as cool cucumbers, — dry argu- ment, sound reasonin', an aj^plication to judgment. To the jury, all fire and tow and declamations,— all to the passions, prejudices, an' feelin's. The one they try to convince, they try to do the other. 1 never heerd tell of judges chalkin'. I know brother Josiah the lawyer thinks so too. Says he to i SHAMPOOING THE ENGLISH. 93 me, once, Sam, says he, they ain't suited to the times now in all cases, and are only needed occasionally. When juries Jirst come into vogue there were no judges, but the devil of it is when public opiaion runs all one way, in this country, you might just as well try to swim up Niagara as to go for to stem it, — it will roll you over and over, and squash you to death at last. You may say what you like here, Sam, but other folks may do what they like here too. Many a man has had a goose's jacket lined with tar here, that he never bought at the tailor's, and a tight fit it is too, considerin' its made without measurin'. So as I'm for Congress some day or another, why, I gist fall to and flatter the people by chimin' in with them. I get up on a stump, or the top of a whiskey barrel, and talk as big as any on 'em about that birth-right — that sheet anchor, that mainstay, that blessed shield, that glorious institution — the rich man's terror, the poor man's hope, the people's pride, the nation's glory — Trial by Jury. CHAPTER XII. SHAMPOOING TOE ENGLISH. BiGBY is a charming little town. It is the Brighton of Nova Scotia, the resort of the valetudinarians of New Brunswick, who take refuge here from the unrelenting fogs, hopeless ste- rility, and calcareous waters of St. John. About as pretty a location this for business, said the Clockmaker, as I know on in this country. Bigby is the only safe harbour from BIow- medown to Briar Island. Then there is that everlastin' long river runnin' away up from the wharves here almost across to Minas Basin, bordered with dikes and interval, and backed up by good upland. A nice, dry, pleasant place for a town, with good water, good air, and the best herrin' fishery in America, but it wants one thing to make it go ahead. And pray what is that 1 said I, for it appears to me to have every natural advantage that can be desired. It wants to be made a free port, said he. They ought to send a delegate to Eng- land about it ; but the fact is, they don't onderstand diplomacy here, nor the English either. They hav'n't got no talents that way. 94 THE CLOCKMAKER. I guess we may stump the univarse in that Hne. Our statesmen, I consait, do onderstand it. They go about so beautifully, tack so well, sail so close by the wind, make so little lee-way, shoot ahead so fast, draw so little water, keep the lead agoin' constant, and a bright look-out a-head always ; it's very seldom you hear o' them runnin' aground, I tell you. Hardly any thing they take in hand they don't succeed in. How glib they are in the tongue too ! how they do lay in the soft sawder ? They do rub John Bull down so pretty, it does one good to see 'em : they pat him on the back, and stroke him on the cheek, and coax and wheedle and flatter, till they get him as good-natured as possible. Then they gist get what they like out of him ; not a word of a threat to him tho', for they know it won't do. Hee'd as soon fight as eat his dinner, and sooner too, but they tickle him, as the boys at Cape Ann garve the bladder fish. There's a fish comes ashore there at ebb tide, that the boys catch and tickle, and the more they tickle him the more he fills with wind. Well, he get's blowed up as full as Jie can hold, and then they just turn him up and give him a crack across the belly with a stick, and oflE*he goes like a pop-gun, and then all the little critters run hoopin' and hoUowin' like ravin' distracted mad — so pleased with foolin' the old fish. There are no people in the univarsal world so eloquent as the Americans ; they beat the ancients all hollor ; and when our diplomatists go for to talk it into the British, they do it so pretty, it's a sight to behold. Descended, they say, from a common stock, havin' one common language, and a commU' nity of interests^ they cannot but hope for justice from a power distinguished alike for its honour and its generosity. Indebted to them for the spirit of liberty they enjoy, — for their laws, literature, and religion, — they feel more like allies than aliens, and more like relatives than either. Though unfor- tunate occurrences may have drawn them asunder, with that frankness and generosity peculiar to a brave and generous, people, both nations have now forgotten and forgiven the past, and it is the duty and interest of each to cultivate these ami- cable relations, now so happily existing, and to draw closer those bonds which unite two people essentially the same in habits and feelings. Though years have rolled by since they leit the paternal roof, and the ocean divides them, yet they cannot but look back at the home beyond the waters with a grateful remembrance — with veneration and respect. ; SHAMPOOING THE ENGLISH. 95 Now that's what I call dictionary, said the Clockmaker. It's splendid penmanship, ain't it 1 When John Adams was minister at the Court of St. Jimes's, how his weak eye would have sarved him autterin' off this galbanum, wouldn't it? He'd turn round to hide emotion, draw forth his handkerchief and wipe off a manly tear of genuwine feelin'. It is easy enough to stand a woman's tears, for they weep like children, everlastin' sun showers ; they cry as bad as if they used a chesnut burr for an eyestone ; but to see the tear drawn from the starn natur' of man, startin' at the biddin' of generous feelin', there's no standin' that. Oh dear ! how John Bull swallers this soft sawder, don't he? I think I see him astandin' with his hands in his trousers-pockets, alookin' as big as all out-doors, and as sour as cider sot out in the sun for vinegar. At first he looks suspicious and sulky, and then one hauty frown relaxes, and then another, and so on, till all starnness is gone, and his whole face wears one great benev- olent expression, like a full moon, till you can eye him with- out winkin', and lookin' about as intelligent all the time as a skim-milk cheese. Arter his stare is gone, a kind o' look comes over his face as if he thought, Well, now, this d d Yankey sees his error at last, and no mistake ; that comes o' that good lickin' I give him last war : there's nothin' like fightin' things out. The critter seems humble enough now tho' ; give me your fist, Jonathan, my boy, says he ; don't look so cussed dismal : what is it ? Oh, nothin', says our diplomatist ; a mere trifle, and he tries to look as onconcarned as possible all the time ; nothin' but what your sense of justice, for which you are always dis- tinguished, will grant ; a little strip of land, half fog half bog, atween the State of Maine and New Brunswick ; it's nothin' but wood, water, and snakes, and no bigger than Scotland. Take it, and say no more about it, says John ; I hope it will be accepted as a proof of my regard. I don't think nothin' of half a colony. And then when our chap gets home to the President, doesn't he say, as Expected Thome did of the Blue- nose jury, " Didn't I do him pretty ? cuss him, thafs all.^^ Then he takes Mount-Sheer on another tack. He desires to express the gratitude of a free and enlightened people to the French, — their first ally, their dearest friend, — for ena- blin' them under Providence, to lay the foundation-stone of their country. They never can forget how kindly, how dis 96 THE CLOCKMAKER. interestedly, they slept in to aid their infant struggles, — to assist them to resist the unnatural tyranny of England, who, while aflectin' to protect liberty abroad, was enslavin' her children to home. Nothin' but the purest feelin', unalloyed by any jealousy of England, dictated that step ; it emanated from a virtuous indignation at seein' the strong oppress the weak, — from a love of constitutional freedom, — from pure philanthropy. How deeply is seated in American breasts a veneration of the French character I how they admire their sincerity ; their good faith ; t'heir stability ! Well may they be called the Grand Nation ! Religious, not bigoted ; brave, not rash ; dignified, not volatile ; great, yet not vain ! Mag- nanimous in success, — cheerful and resolved under reverses, — they form the beau ideal to American youth, who are taught in their first lessons, to emulate, and imitate, and vene- rate the viftues of their character ! Don't it run off the tongue like oil ? Sofl and slick, ain't it pretty talk 1 Lord I how Mount-Sheer skips, and hops, and bows, and smirks, when he hears that are, don't he 1 How he claps his hand upon his heart, and makes faces like a monkey that's got a pain in his side from swallowin' a nut without crackin' it. With all other folks, but these great powers, it's a very different tune they sing. They make short metre with them little powers ; they never take the trouble to talk much ; they gist make their demands, and ax them for their answer, right off the reel. If they say, let us hear your reasons, — Oh, by all means, says our diplomatist, just come along with me ; and he takes the minister under his arm, walks lock and lock with him down to the harbour, claps him aboard a barge, and rows him off to one of our little hundred-gun sloops of war. Pretty little sloop o' war, that of ourn, I reckon, ain't it ? says he Oh ! very pretty, very pretty indeed, says foreigner ; but if that be your little sloop, what must be your great big men o' war 1 That's just what I was agoin' for to say, says Jona- than, — a Leviathan, a Mammoth ^ blow all creation to atoms a'most, like a hurricane tipt with lightning, and then he looks up to the captain and nods. Says he, Captain, I guess you may run out your guns, and he runs them out as quick as wink. These are my reasons, says Jonathan, and pretty strong arguments, too, I guess ; that's what I call showin' our teeth ; and now you, mister, with a d n hard name, your answer, if you please. You don't understand us, I see, for- I SHAMPOOING THE ENGLISH. 97 eigner ; we got chaps in our country that can stand on one side of the Mississippi, and kill a racoon on t'other side with a sneeze, — rigular ring-tail roarers ; don't provoke us ; it wouldn't be over safe, I assure you. We can out talk thun- der, outrun a flash of lightnin', and outreach all the world — we can whip our weight of wild-cats. The British can lick all the world, and we can lick the British. I believe, I believe, says he, and he claps his name to the treaty in no time. We made these second-class gentry shell out a considerable of cash, these few years past, on one excuse or another, and frightened some on th,em, as the naked statue did the factory gall, into fits a'most. But the English we have to soft saw- der, for they've got little sloops o' war, too, as well as we have ; and not only show their teeth, but bite like bull-dogs. We shampoo them, — you know what shampooing is, squire, don't you? It is an Eastern custom, I think, said I: I have heard of it, but I do not retain a very distinct recollection of the practice. Well, said the Clockmaker, I estimate I ought to know what it means any how ; for I came plaguy nigh losin' my life by it once. When I was gist twenty years old, I took it into my head I'd like to go to sea, — so father got me a berth of supercargo of a whaler at New Bedford, and away we went arter sperm : an amazin' long voyage we had of it too — gone nearly three years. Well, we put into Sandwich Island for refreshments ; and says the captain, 'Spose we go and call on the queen ! So all us cabin party went and dressed ourselves up full fig, and were introduced in due form to the young queen. Well, she was a rael, right down, pretty lookin' heifer, and no mistake ; well dressed and well demean- ed, and a plaguy sight clearer skin'd than some white folks — for they bathe every day a'most. Where you'd see one piece of furniture better than her, you'll see fifty worser ones, 1 know. What is your father, Mr. Shleek? says she. A prince, marm, said I. And his'n, ugly man's ? says she pintin' to the captain. A prince too, said I, and all this party are princes ; fathers all sovereigns to home — no bigger men than them, neither there nor any where else in the univarsal world. Then, said she, you all dine wid me to-day ; me proud to have de prinches to my table. if she didn't give us a rigular blow-out, it's a pity, and the whole on us were more than half-seas over ; for my part, the 9 98 THE CLOCKMAKER. hot mulled wine actilly made me feel like a prince, and what put me in tip-top spirits was the idee of the hoax I played oft' on her about our bein' princes ; and then my rosy cheeks and youth pleased her fancy, so that she was oncommon civil to me — talked to no one else a'most. Well, when we rose from table, (for she stayed there till the wine made her eyes twinkle ag'in,) prince Shleek, said she, atakin' o' my hand, and put- tin' her saucy little mug close up to me, (and she raelly did look pretty, all smiles and sweetness,) Prince Shleek, will you have one shampoo ? said she. A shampoo 1 said I ; to be sure I will, and thank you too; you are gist the gall I'd like to shampoo, and I clapt my arms round her neck, and gave her a buss that made all ring ag'in. What the devil are you at ? said the captain, and he seized me round the waist and lugged me off. Do you want to lose your head, you fool, you ? said he; you've carried this joke too far already, without this rompin' — go aboard. It was lucky for me she had a wee drop in her eye, herself — for arter the first scream, she larfed ready to split: says'she. No kissy, no kissy — shampoo is shampoo; but kissy is anoder ting. The noise brought the sarvants in, and says the queen, p'inting to me, " shampoo him" — and they up with me, and into another room, and before I could say Jack Robinson, off went my clothes, and I was gettin' shampoo'd in airnest. It is done by a gentle pressure, and rubbin' all over the body with the hand ; it is delightful — that's a fact, and I was soon asleep. I was pretty well corned that arternoon, but still I knew what I was about ; and recollected when I awoke the whisper of the captain at partin' — " Mind your eye. Slick, if ever you want to see Cape Cod ag'in." So, airly next mornin', while it was quite moony yet, I went aboard, and the captain soon put to sea, but not before there came a boat-load of pigs and two bullocks off to " Prince Shleek." So our diplomatists shampoo the English, and put 'em to sleep. How beautiful they shampoo'd them in the fishery story ! It was agreed we was to fish within three leagues of the coast ; but then, says Jonathan, wood and water, you know, and shelter, when it blows like great guns, are rights of hospitality. You wouldn't refuse us a port in a storm, would you ? so noble, so humane, so liberal, so confidin' as you be. Certainly not, says John Bull ; it would be inhuman to refuse either shelter, wood, or water. Well then, if there was are a snug little cove not set-^ SHAMrOOING THE ENGLISH. 99 lied, disarted like, would you have any objection to our dryin' our fish there 1 — they might spile, you know, so far from home — a little act of kindness like that would bind us to you tor ever, and ever, and amen. Certainly, says John, it's very reasonable that — you are perfectly welcome — happy to oblige you. It was all we wanted an excuse for enterin', and now we are in and out when we please, and smuggle like all ven- geance : got the whole trade and the whole fishery. It was splendidly done, warn't it ? Well, then, we did manage the boundary line capitally too. We know we hav'n't got no title to that land — it wasn't given to US by the treaty, and it icarnH in our possession when we declared independence or made peace. But our maxim is, it is better to get things by treaty than by war ; it is more Chris- tian-like, and more intellectual. To gain that land, we asked the navigation of the St. Lawrence and the St. John, which we knew would never be granted ; but then it gave us some- thin' to concede on our part, and brag on as liberal, and it is nateral and right for the English to concede on their side somethin' too — so they will concede the disputed territory. Ah, squire, said he, your countrymen may have a good heart, and I believe they have ; indeed, it would be strange if a full puss didn't make a full heart ; but they have a most plaguy poor head, that's a fact. This was rather too bad. To be first imposed upon and then ridiculed, was paying rather too heavy a penalty for either negligence or ignorance. There was unhappily too much truth in the remark for me to join in the laugh. If your diplomatists, said I, have in one or two instances been successful by departing from the plain in- telligible path, and resorting to flattery and cunning, (arts in which I regret to say diplomatists of all nations are but too apt to indulge,) it is a course which carries its own cure ; and, by raising suspicion and distrust, will hereafter impose diffi- culties in their way even when their objects are legitimate and just. I should have thought that the lesson read on a cele- brated occasion (which you doubtless remember) by Mr. Can- ning, would have dictated the necessity of caution for the future. Recollect that confidence once withdrawn is seldom restored again. You have, however, omitted to state your policy with Russia. Oh ! said he, Old Nick in the North is sarved in the same way. Excuse me, said I, (for I felt piqued,) but if you will per- 100 " THE CLOCKMAKER. mit me I will suggest some observations to you relative to Russia that may not have occurred to you. Your diplo- matists might address the Emperor thus : May it please your Majesty, there is an astonishing resemblance between our two countries ; in fact there is little or no ditTerence except in name, — the same cast of countenance, same family-likeness same Tartar propensity to change abode. All extremes meet. You take off folk's heads without law, so do our mobs. You send fellows to Siberia, our mobs send them to the devil. No power on airth can restrain you, no power on airth can restrain our mobs. You make laws and break 'em as suits your con- venience, so do our lynchers. You don't allow any one to sport opinions you don't hold, or you stifle them and their opinions too. It's just so with us ; our folks forbid all talking about niggers ; and if a man forgets himself, he is reminded of it by his head supporting his body instead of his heels. You have got a liquorish mouth for fartile lands beyond your borders, so have we ; and yet both have got more land than tenants. You foment troubles among your neighbours, and then step in to keep the peace, and hold possession when you get there, so do we. You are a great slave holder, so are we. Folks accuse you of stealin' Poland, the same libellin' villains accuse us of stealin' Texas, and a desire to have Canada too ; and yet the one is as much without foundation as the other. You plant colonies in Tartar lands, and then drive out the owners : we sarve the Indians the same way. You have extarminated some of your enemies, we've extarminated some of ourn. Some folks say your empire will split to pieces- it's too big ; the identical same prophecy they make of us, and one is just as likely as the other. Every man in Russia must bow to the pictur' of his Emperor ; every man must bow to the pictur' of our great nation, and swear through thick and thin he admires it more nor any thing on the face of the airth. Every man in Russia may say what he likes if he dare^ so he may in the i[/-nited States. If foreign newspapers abusin' Polish matters get into the Russia mail, the mail is broken open and they are taken out : if abolition papers get mto the Southern mail, our folks break open the bags and burn 'em, as they did at Charleston. The law institutes no inquiries in your dominions as to your acts of execution, spoliation, and exile; neither is there any inquest with us on similar acts of our mobs. There is no freedom of the press PUTTING A FOOT IN IT. 101: with you, neither is there with us. If a paper offends you, you stop it : if it offends our sovereigns, they break the machinery, gut the house, and throw the types into the street; and if the printer escapes, he may thank God for giving him a good pair of legs. In short, they may say to him — it's generally allowed the freedom of one country is as like the despotism of the other as two peas — no soul could tell the difference ; and therefore there ought to be an actual as there is a natural alliance between us. And then the cunnin' critters, if they catch him alone where they won't be over- heard, they, may soft sawder him, by tellin' him they never knew before the blessin' of havin' only one tyrant instead of a thousand, and that it is an amendment they intend to pro- pose to the constitution when they return home, and hope they'll yet live to see it. From this specimen, you may easily perceive that it requires no great penetration or ability to deceive even an acute observer whenever recourse is had to imagination for the facts. How far this parallel holds good I leave you to judge ; I desire to offer you no offence, but I wish you to understand that all the world are not in love with your republican institutions or your people, and that both are better understood than you seem to suppose. Well, well, says he, I did'nt mean to ryle you, I do assure you ; but if you havn't made a good story out of a Southern mob or two, neither of which are half as bad as your Bristol riot or Irish frays, it's a pity. Arter all, said he, I don't know whether it wouldn't comport more with our dignity to go straight ahead. I believe it is in politics as in other matters, honesty is the best policy. CHAPTER XIII. PUTTING A FOOT IN IT. One amusing trait in the Clock maker's character, was his love of contradiction. If you suggested any objection to the American government, he immediately put himself on the defensive ; and if hard pressed, extricated himself by chang- ing the topic. At the same time he would seldom allow me to pass a eulogy upon it without affecting to consider the praise as misapplied, and as another instance of " our not 9* l-OS 'the clockmaker. understanding them." In the course of our conversation, happened to observe that the American government was cer- tainly a very cheap one ; and that the economy practised in the expenditure of the public revenue, though in some instances carried so far as to border on meanness, was cer- tainly a very just subject of national pride. Ah, said he, I always said, " you don't understand us." Now it happens that that is one of the few things, if you were only availed of it, that you could fault us in. It is about the most costly government in the world, considering our means. We are actilly eat up by it — it is a most plaguy sore, and has spread so like statiee that it has got its root into the very core. Cheap government ! — well, come that beats all ! ! I should like to know, said I, how you can make that appear, for the salaries paid to your public officers are not only small, but absolutely mean ; and, in my opinion, wholly inadequate to procure the services of the best and most efficient men. Well, said he, which costs most, to keep one good horse well, or half a dozen poor ones ill, or to keep ten rael complete good servants, or fifty lazy, idle, do-nothin' critters 1 because that's gist our case, — we have too many of 'em all together. We have twenty-four independent states, beside the general government ; we have therefore twenty-five presidents, twenty-five secretaries of state, twenty-five trea- surers, twenty-five senates, twenty-five houses of representa- tives, and fifty attorney generals, and all our legislators are paid, every soul of 'em ; and so are our magistrates, for they all take fees and seek the office for pay, so that we have as many paid legislators as soldiers, and as many judges of all sorts and sizes as sailors in our navy. Put all these expenses together, of state government and general government, and see what an awful sum it comes to, and then tell me it's a cheap government. True, said I, but you have not that enor- mous item of expenditure known in England under the name of half pay. We have more officers of the navy on half pay than you have in your navy altogether. So much the better for you, says he, for ourn are all on full pay, and when they' ain't employed, we set _ them down as absent on leave. Which costs the most do you suppose? That comes of not callin' things by their right names, you see. Our folks know this, but our popularity-seekin' patriots have all their own interest in multiplying these offices ,- yes, our folks have put ,1 PUTTING A FOOT IN IT. 103 their foot in it, that's a fact. They cling to it as the baar did to Jack Fogler's mill-saw ; and I guess it will sarve them the same way. Did I never tell you that are story ? for I'm most afeard sometimes I've got father's fashion of tellin' my stories over twice. No, said I, it's new to me ; I have never heard it. Well, says he, I will tell you how it was. Jack Fogler lives to Nictau-road, and he keeps a saw-mill and tavern ; he's a sneezer that feller ; he's near hand to seven feet high, with shoulders as broad as a barn-door ; he is a giant, that's a fact, and can twitch a mill-log as easy as a yoke of oxen can — nothin'-never stops him. But that's not all, for I've seen a man as big as all out-doors afore him ; but he has a foot that beats all — folks call him the man with the foot. The first time I seed him I could not keep- my eyes off* of it. I actilly could not think of any thing else.' Well, says I, Jack, your foot is a whopper, that's a fact ; I never seed the beat of it in all my born days, — it beats Gasper Zwicher's all holler, and his is so big, folks say he has to haul his trousers on over his head. Yes, says he, lawyer Yule says it passes all understandin\ Well, he has a darter most as big as he is, but for all that she is near about as pretty a gall as I ever laid eyes on, but she has her father's foot ; and, poor thing, she can't bear to hear tell of it. I mind once when I came there, there was no one to home, and I had to see to old Clay myself; and arter I had done, I went in and sot down by the fire, and lighted a cigar. Arter a while, in come Lucy, lookin' pretty tired. Why, said I, Lucy, dear, where on airth have you been '] you look pretty well beat out. Why, says she, the bears are plaguy thick this while past, and have killed some of our sheep, so I went to the woods to drive the flock home ag'in night-fall, and fogs! I lost my way. I've been gone ever so long, and I don't know as I'd ever afound my way out ag'in, if I hadn't a met Bill Zink alookin' up his sheep, and he showed me the way out. Thinks I to myself, let the galls alone for an excuse ; I see how the cat jumps. Well, says I, Lucy, you are about the luckiest gall I ever seed. Possible, says she ; — how's that ? Why, says I, many's the gall I've known that's lost her way with a sweetheart afore now, and got on the wrong track ; but you're the first one ever I seed that got put on the right way by one, any how. Well, she larfed, and says she, you men always suspect evil ; it shows how bad you must be your- 104 THE CLOCKMAKER. selves. Perhaps it may be so, says I, but mind your eye, and take care you dorCt put your foot in it. She looked at me the matter of a minnit or so without sayin' a word, and then burst out acryin'. She said, if she had such an awful big foot, it warn't her fault, and it was very onkind to larf at it to her face — that way. Well, I felt proper sorry too, you may depend, for I vow she was so oncommon handsom' I had never noticed that big foot of hern till then. I had hardly got her pacified when in come Jack, with two halves of a bear, and threw 'em down on the floor, and larfed ready to kill him- self. I never seed the beat o' that, said he, since I was raised from a seedlin'. I never see a feller so taken in all my life — that's a fact. Why, says I, what is it ? It was some time afore he could speak ag'in for larfin' — for Jack was consider- able in the wind, pretty nearly half shaved. At last, says he, you know my failin', Mr. Slick ; I like a drop of grog better than it likes me. Well, when the last rain came, and the brook was pretty considerable full, I kag'd for a month, (that is, said the Clockmaker, he had taken an oath to abstain from drawing liquor from the keg — they calls it kaggin',) and my kag was out to-day at twelve o'clock. Well, I had just got a log on the ways when the sun was on the twelve o'clock line, so I stops the mill and takes out my dinner, and sets it down on the log, and then runs up to the house to draw off a bottle of rum. When I returned, and was just about to enter the mill, what should I see but that are bear a sittin' on the pine stick in the mill aetin' of my dinner, so I gist backs out, takes a good swig out of the bottle, and lays it down to run off homo for the gun, when, says I to myself, says I, he'll make a plaguy sight shorter work of that are dinner than I would, and when he's done he'll not wait to wipe his mouth with the towel neither. May be he'll be gone afore I gets back, so I gist crawls under the mill — pokes up a stick through the j'ice and starts the plug, and sets the mill agoin'. Well the motion was so easy, and he was so busy, he never moves, and arter a little the saw just gives him a scratch on the back ; well, he growls and shoves forward abit on his rump ; presently it gives him another scratch, with that he wheels short round and lays right hold of it, and gives it a most devil of a hug with his^paws, and afore he knowed what he was about it pinned him down and sawed him right in two, he squelin' and kickin' and singin' out like a good feller the whole blessed time. Thinks I, he put his foot in it that feller, any how. PUTTING A FOOT IN IT. 105 Yes, our folks have put their foot in it ; a cheap article ain't always the best ; if you want a rael right down first chop, genuwine thing, you must pay for it. Talent and integrity ain't such common things any where, that they are to be had for lialf nothin'. A man that has them two things can go a-head any where, and if you want him to give up his own consarns to see arter those of the public, and don't give him the fair market price for 'em, he is plaguy apt to put his in- tegrity in his pocket, and put his talents to usury. What he loses one way he makes up another : if he can't get it out of his pay, he takes it out of parquesits, jobs, patronage, or somethin' or another. Folks won't sarve the public for nothin' no more than they will each other free-gratis. An honest man won't take office, if it won't support him properly, but a, dis- honest one will, 'cause he won't stand about trifles, but goes the whole figur' — and where you have a good many critters, as public sarvants — why, a little slip of the pen or trip of the foot, ain't thought nothin' of, and the tone of public feelin' is lowered, till at last folks judge of a man's dishonesty by the 'cuteness of it. If the slight-o-hand ain't well done, they say, when he is detected, he is a fool — cuss him, it sarves him right ; but if it is done so slick that you can hardly see it even when it's done afore your eyes, people say, a fine bold stroke that — splendid business talent, that man— considerable powers — a risin' character — eend by bein' a great man in the long run. You recollect the story of the quaker and his insurance, don't you ? He had a vessel to sea that he hadn't heerd of for a considerable time, and he was most plaguyly afeerd she had gone for it ; so he sent an order to his broker to insure her. Well, next day he larnt for sartain that she was lost, so what does he do but writes to his broker as if he meant to save the premium by recallin' the order : If thee hast not in- sured, thee need'st not do it, esteemed friend, for I have heerd of the vessel. The broker, thinkin' it would be all clear gain, falls right into the trap ; tells him his letter came too late, for he had effected the insurance half an hour afore it arrived. Verily, I am sorry for thee, friend, said the quaker, if that be the case, for a heavy loss will fall on thee ; of a sartainty I have heerd of the vessel, but she is lost. Now that was what I call handsom' ; it showed great talents that, and a know ledge of human natur' and soil sawder. 106 THE CLOCKMAKER. .1 thought, said I, that your annual parliaments, universal suffrage, and system of rotation of office, had a tendency to prevent corruption, by removing the means and the opportu- nity to any extent. Well, it would, perhaps, to a certain point, said the Clockmaker, if you knew where that point was, and could stop there ; but wherever it is, I am afeerd we have passed it. Annual parliaments bring in so many raw hands every year, that they are gist like pawns in the game of chess, only fit for tools to move about and count while the game is played by the bigger ones. They get so puzzled — the critters, with the forms o' the house, that they put me in mind of a feller standin' up for the first time in a quadrille. One tells him to cross over here, and afore he gets there an- other calls him back ag'in; one pushes him to the right and another to the left ; he runs ag'in every body, and every body runs ag'in him ; he treads on the heels of the galls and takes their skin and their shoes off, and they tread on his toes, and return the compliment to his corns ; he is no good in natur', except to bother folks and put them out. The old hands that have been there afore, and cut their eye-teeth, know how to bam these critters, and make 'em believe the moon is made of green cheese. That gives great power to the master movers, and they are enabled to spikelate handsum in land stock, bank stock, or any other corperate stock, for they can raise or depress the article gist as they please by legislative action. There was a grand legislative speck made not long since, called the preemption speck. A law was passed, that all who had settled on government lands without title, should have a right of preemption at a very reduced price, below common upset sum, if application was made on a particular day. The jobbers watched the law very sharp, and the mo- ment it passed, off they sot with their gangs of men and a magistrate, camped out all night on the wild land, made the affidavits of settlement, and run on till they went over a'most — a deuce of a tract of country, that was all picked out afore- hand for them ; then returned their affidavits to the office, got the land at preemption rate, and turned right round and sold it at market price — pocketed the difference — and netted a most handsum thing by the spec. Them pet banks was another splendid affair ; it deluged the land with corruption that, — it was too bad to think on. When PUTTING A FOOT IN IT. 107 the government is in the many, as with us, and rotation of office is the order of the day, there is a nateral tendency to multiply offices, so that every one can get his share of 'em, and it increases expenses, breeds office-seekers, and corrupts the whole mass. It is in politics as in farmin', — one large farm is worked at much less expense and much greater profit, and is better in many ways than half a dozen small ones ; and the head farmer is a more 'sponsible man, and better to do in the world, and has more influence than the small fry. Things are better done too on his farm — the tools are better, the teams are better, and the crops are better : it's better alto- gether. Our first-rate men ain't in politics with us. It don't pay 'em, and they won't go thro' the mill for it. Our princi- ple is to consider all public men rogues, and to watch 'em well that they keep straight. Well, I ain't gist altogether certified that this don't help to make 'em rogues ; where there is no confidence, there can he no honesty ; locks and keys are good things, but if you can't never trust a sarvant with a key, he don't think the better of his master for all his suspicions, and is plaguy apt to get a key of his own. Then they do get such a drill thro' the press, that no man who thinks any great shakes of himself can stand it. A feller must have a hide as thick as a bull's to bear all the lashing our public men get the whole blessed time, and if he can bear it without wmkin', it's more perhaps than his family can. There's nothin' in office that's worth it. So our best men ain't in office — they can't submit to it. I knew a judge of the state court of New York, a first chop man too, give it up, and take the office of clerk in the identi- cal same court. He said he couldn't afford to be a judge ; it was only them who couldn't make a livin' by their practice that it would suit. No, squire, it would be a long story to go through the whole thing ; but we ain't the cheapest govern- ment in the world — that's a fact. When you come to visit us and go deep into the matter, and see gineral government and state government, and local taxes and gineral taxes, although the items are small, the sum total is a'most a swingin' large one, I tell you. You take a shop account and read it ovfer. W^ell, the thing appears reasonable enough, and cheap enough ; but if you have been arunnin' in and out pretty often, and goin' the whole figur', add it up to the bottom, and if it don't make you stare and look corner ways, it's a pity. 108 THE CLOCKMAKER. What made me first of all think o' these things, was seein how they got on in the colonies ; why, the critters don't pay no taxes at all a'most — they actilly don't desarve the name o' taxes. They don't know how well they're off, that's sar- tain. I mind when I used to be agrumblin' to home when I was a boy about knee-high to a goose or so, father used to say, Sam, if you want to know how to valy home, you should go abroad for a while among strangers. It ain't all gold that glitters, my boy. You'd soon find out what a nice home you've got ; for mind what I tell you, home is home, however homely — that's a fact. These blue-noses ought to be gist sent away from home a little while ; if they were, when they re- turned, I guess, they'd larn how to valy their location. It's a lawful colony this, — things do go on rig'lar, — a feller can rely on law here to defend his property, he needn't do as I seed a squatter to Ohio do once. I had stopt at his house one day to bait my horse ; and in the course of conversation about mat- ters and things in gineral, says I, What's your title? is it from government, or purchased from settlers? — I'll tell you, Mr. Slick, he says, what my title is, — and he went in and took his rifle down, and brought it to the door. Do you see that are hen, said he, with the top-knot on, afeedin' by the fence there? Yes, says I, I do. — Well, says he, see that; and he put a ball right through the head of it. That, said he, I reckon, is my title ; and that's the way I'll sarve any tarna- tion scoundrel that goes for to meddle with it. Says I, if that's your title, depend on't you won't have many fellers troublin' you with claims. I rather guess not, said he, larfin' ; and the lawyers won't be over forrard to buy such claims on spekila- tion, — and he wiped his rifle, reloaded her, and hung her up ag'in. There's nothin' of that kind here. But as touchin' the matter o' cheap government, why it's as well as not for our folks to hold out that ourn is so ; but the truth is, atween you and me, though I would'nt like you to let on to any one I said so, the truth is, somehow or other, we've pvt our foot in it — that's a fact. ENGLISH ARISTOCRACY. 109 CHAPTER XIV. ENGLISH ARISTOCRACY AND YANKEE MOBOCRACY Whex we have taken our tower, said the Clockmaker, I estimate I will return to the ?7-nited States for good and all. You had ought to visit our great nation, you may depend ; it's the most splendid location atween the poles. History can't show nothin' like it j you might bile all creation down to an essence, and not get such a concrete as New England. It's a sight to behold twelve millions of free and enlightened citizens, and I guess we shall have all these provinces, and all South America. There is no eend to us ; old Rome that folks make such a touss about, was nothin' to us — it warn't fit to hold a candle to our federal government, — that's a fact. I intend, said I, to do so before I go to Europe, and may perhaps avail myself of your kind offer to accompany me. Is an English- man well received in your country now 1 Well, he is now, said Mr. Slick ; the last war did that ; we licked the British into a respect for us ; and if it warn't that they are so plaguy jealous of our factories, and so invyous of our freedom, I guess we should be considerable sociable, but they can't sto- mach our glorious institutions no how. Thet/ donH understand us. Father and our Minister used to have great arguments about the British. Father hated them like pyson, as most of our revolutionary heroes did ; but minister used to stand up for 'em considerable stiff. Lmind one evenin' arter hay harvest, fatfier said to me, Sam, said he, 'spose we go down and see minister ; I guess he's a little miffey with me, for I brought him up all standin' t'other night by sayin' the English were a damned overbearin' tyrannical race, and he hadn't another word to say. When you make use of such language as that are, Colonel Slick, said he, there's an eend of all conversation. I allow it is very disrespectful to swear afore a minister, and very onhandsum to do so at all, and I don't approbate suck talk at no rate. So we will drop the subject if you please. Well, I got pretty grumpy too, and we parted in a huff. I think myself, says father, it warn't pretty to swear afore him ; for, Sam, if there 10 110 THE CLOCKMAKER. is a good man agoin' it is minister, — that's a fact. But, Sam, says he, we military men, — and he straightened himself up considerable stiff, and pulled up his collar, and looked as fierce as a lion, — we military men, says he, have a habit of rappin' out an oath now and then. Very few of our heroes didn't swear; I recollect that tarnation fire-eeter, Gineral Gates, when he was in our sarvice, ordered me once to attack a British outpost, and I didn't much more than half like it. Gineral, says 1, there's a plaguy stone wall there, and the British have lined it, I guess ; and I'm athinkin' it ain't alto- gether gist safe to go too near it. D — m — n, — Captain Slick, says he, — (I was gist made a captain then)— d — m — n. Cap- tain Slick, says he, ain't there two sides to a stone wall ? Don't let me hear the like ag'in from you, said he. Captain, or I hope I may be tetotally and effectually d — d if I don't break you — ! I will, by gosh ! He warn't a man to be trifled with, you may depend ; so I drew up my company, and made at the wall double quick, expectin' every minit would be our last. Gist as we got near the fence, I heerd a scrablin' and a scuddin' behind it, and I said, now, says I, for'ard my boys, for your lives ! hot foot, and down onder the fence on your bellies ! and then we shall be as safe as they be, and p'rhaps we can loophole 'em. Well, we gist hit it, and got there without a shot, and down on our faces as flat as flounders. Presently we heerd the British run for dear life, and take right back across the road, full split. Now, says I, my hearties, up and let drive at 'em, right over the wall ! Well, we got on our knees, and cocked our guns, so as to have all ready, and then we jump'd up an eend ; and seein' nothin' but a great cloud o' dust, we fired right into it, and down we heerd 'em tumble; and when the dust cleared off, we saw the matter of twenty white breeches turned up to us sprawlin' on the ground. Gist at that moment we heerd three cheers from the inemy at the fort, and a great shout of larfin' from our army too ; they haw-hawed like thunder. Well, says T, as soon as I could see, if that don't bang the bush. I'll be darn'd if it ain't a flock of sheep belongin' to Elder Solomon Longstaff, arter "all, — and if we ain't killed the matter of a score of 'em too, as dead as mutton ; that's a fact. Well, we returned con- siderable down in the mouth, and says the gineral, captain, says he, I guess you made the enemy look pretty sheepish, ENGLISH ARISTOCRACY. Ill did'nt you ? Well, if the officers didn't larf, it's a pity ; and says a Varginy officer that was there, in a sort of half whisper, that wall was well lined, you may depend ; sheep on one side and asses on the other ! Says I, stranger you had better not say that are ag'in, or I'll Gintlemen, says the general, resarve your heat for the inemy ; no quarrels among ourselves — and he rode off, havin' first whispered in my ear, Do you hear, captain, d — n you ! there are two sides to a wall. Yes, says I, gineral, and two sides to a story too. And don't for gracious' sake, say any more about it. Yes, we military men all swear a few, — it's the practice of the camp, and seems kinder nateral. But I'll go and make friends with minister. Well, we walked down to Mr. Hopewell's, and we found him in a little summer house, all covered over with honey- suckle, as busy as you please with a book he was astudyin', and as soon as he seed us, he laid it down, and came out to meet us. Colonel Slick, says he, I owe you an apology, I believe ; I consait I spoke too abrupt to you t'other evenin'. I ought to have made some allowance for the ardour of one of our military heroes. Well, it took father all aback that, for he know'd it was him that was to blame, and not minister, so he began to say that it was him that ought to ax pardon ; but minister wouldn't hear a word, — (he was all humility was minister — he had no more pride than a babe,) — and says he. Come, colonel, walk in and sit down here, and we will see if we cannot muster a bottle of cider for you, for I take this visit very kind of you. Well, he brought out the cider, and we sot down quite sociable like. Now, says he, colonel, what news have you. Well, says father, neighbour Dearboum tells me that he heerd from excellent authority that he can't doubt, when he was to England, that King George the Third has been dead these two years ; but his ministers darsen't let the people know it, for fear of a revolution ; so they have given out that he took the loss of these States so much to heart, and fretted e