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MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE 
 
 IN THE 
 
 METROPOLIS; 
 
 BEING TRUE NARRATIVES OF 
 
 STRANGE ADVENTURES IN NEW YORK, 
 
 STARTLING FACTS IN CITY LIFE. 
 
 BY A REPORTER OF THE NEW YORK PRESS. 
 
 NEW YOIIK: 
 BURT, UUTCIIINSON & ABBEY, 
 
 (LATE THATCHER & HUTCHINSON) 
 
 523 (ST. NICHOLAS HOTEL) BROADWAY. 
 
 1859. 
 
is* 
 
 EWTKKK according to Act of Congress, in the year 1859, by 
 
 THATCHER & HUTCHINSON. 
 In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the Southern District of New York. 
 
 , 
 
 <V'. H. TINSOS, Stereotyper and Fruiter, 
 Rear of 43mid 45 Centre street, N. Y. 
 
PREFACE: 
 
 TWENTY-ONE of tlie thirty-three chapters com- 
 prising this volume, are substantially the same . as 
 appeared in the !N~ew York EVENING POST- during 
 the latter part of 1858 and the beginning of the 
 present year. The remaining chapters have not 
 before been published. 
 
 The numbers which appeared in the EVENING 
 POST were copied into some of the best papers of 
 the country, and received with such favor that the 
 publishers were induced to present them in the 
 present form. 
 
 The Author would feel that he has been poorly 
 remunerated for the* great labor he has expended 
 in collecting the materials for this book, however 
 rapid or extensive might be its sale, if it were 
 receiyed as a work . of fiction ; and he wishes to 
 state distinctly that the main incidents related are 
 real occurrences. The last chapter, relating to a 
 well-known female, is strictly true in every parti- 
 cular. 
 
 If any one doiTbts that matrimonial offices really 
 
 wR41 58 
 
IV PREFACE. 
 
 exist, or that matrimonial advertisements are 
 common, he has only to consult the adver- 
 tising columns of the New York Herald^ where 
 he will find abundant evidence of the fact. 
 
 Many of the characters described in these pages 
 are outcasts, and such as are never met by persons 
 living out of this city, nor even by thousands who 
 reside in it. The pencil of his friend, Mr. Thomas 
 "Worth, will introduce them to the reader better 
 than any description. 
 
 The Author takes pleasure in referring to an edi- 
 torial article in the Appendix of this volume, which 
 appeared in the EVENING POST of February 14th, 
 in which the truth of his statements is vindicated, 
 and his services in collecting the facts are referred 
 to in flattering terms. 
 
 THE AUTHOR. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 A Brief Explanation, 11 
 
 \ 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 Mrs. Frost's Matrimonial Office Brunettes and Blondes Matrimony 
 and Hair Dye Grand Chance for Speculation Remarkable 
 Faculty for Lying A Mechanic in a Cold Room Hopes de- 
 ferred " a Few Days," 13 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Another sudden Frost blights the Mechanic's Hopes Breaking off 
 Matches How and Why it is done Spies A Stiff-Necked 
 Israelite Fictitious Capital An Errand and a Clerk " Done " 
 simultaneously Correspondence A Chicago Man takes a Les- 
 son in the Mutability of all Human Affairs, etc., 19 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Mr. Peter Salmon and his Affinities His Courtship of the Hair- 
 Dye and Perfumery Widow His Present of a Codfish, and 
 how he was whipped with it The Stiff-necked Israelite aroused 
 A Tragedy Happy Effects of Brandy, 30 
 
 CHAPTER Y. 
 
 The Memorable Courtship of Herr Altkopf A Wedding at last 
 Coal Dust and Lager Bier A Mammoth Infidel A sudden and 
 unwelcome Apparition Fearful Battle between two Husbands 
 Tragic termination of Wedded Libs 40 
 
VI CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 The Exit of Mrs. Frost ; with an Afterpiece, in which a Mexican 
 Heiress appears, and there is an Unlucky Recognition Henry 
 William Herbert's Marriage A Watchful Mother, etc., 52 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 A Gentleman from the Rural Districts in a Matrimonial Office 
 His Adventures with an Actress How and Why she Fainted in 
 His Arms A Retreat, 61 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 The Matrimonial and Patent Medicine Agency of Madame Lebon 
 How she " shows the Future Husband or Wife, and makes all 
 Happy" A Novel Manifestation of a "Clairvoyant" A Flame 
 with the Mercury at 90, 74 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 " A dear sweet little Opera Singer " A South Carolinian in a 
 Matrimonial Office, and in Love The Broker's Opinion of 
 Northern and Southern Gentlemen A crusty Father forbids the 
 Bans A projected Elopement, and a highly entertaining Denoue- 
 ment, 84 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 The brief but conclusive Experience of Paul Pike, Harness-maker, 
 with a Matrimonial Advertiser He meets her on Union Park 
 He takes a Walk He stoops to pick up a Gold Watch, and is 
 glad to pick himself up, 9Y 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 Madame Mar, the Phrenologist and Matrimonial Agent Her 
 Account of Herself How she becomes another Person Dress- 
 ing in Men's Clothing Conquest of a New Orleans Belle Canes 
 from Washington's Estate Selling a Man the Chart of another 
 Man's Head A Sea Captain in Search of a Wife He is sent to 
 Brooklyn Results of his Journey, 105 
 
CONTENTS. Vll 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 The Captain Re-visits the Scene He meets Madame Gore He is 
 Reconciled He is Introduced The Heartrending Narrative of 
 Miss Mary Fillmore Material Aid The Captain in Love A 
 Wedding on 'Ship-board, but no Bride, 117 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 Singular Matrimonial Errand of a Member of a Popular Brooklyn 
 Church Brokerage applied to the Next World Madame Mar 
 is missed from the accustomed place She becomes the Escaped 
 Wife of a Mormon Elder,. . . 127 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 The Gipsy Palmist and her " Secret for Gaining the Affections of 
 the Opposite Sex " The Experiments of Mr. Samuel Alley there- 
 with, . .135 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 A Lame Widow on the look-out for a Husband She applies to a 
 Bleecker street Broker The versatile Joseph How one Ar- 
 ticle may serve-many Uses A Wedding-day is appointed, but the 
 Bridegroom gets into the Tombs, 150 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 Betty Ballou, and her "Menagerie" at Taylor's Saloon Seven 
 Hopeful Individuals in a Row Why they were there and what 
 came of It, 162 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 The shrewd Speculation of Mr. John Smith How Miss Jane 
 invested $3,000 How Mr. John Smith was himself speculated 
 upon, and the Wrath which it excited, 171 
 
Vlll CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 Matrimonial Office in Broadway Robinson the Philanthropist A 
 Human Rival of the Long Island Mastodon The Trials and 
 Sufferings of Mr. J. W. B. Johnson Letter of a Matrimonial 
 Broker A Peruvian in search of a Wife Effect of his Applica- 
 tion in the Rural Districts, 184 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 How Thomas Dunn was done Brown He encounters an English 
 Widow with Thirty Thousand Pounds Sterling He leaves his 
 Likeness What Use was made of it, 195 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 Adam, Apple-Dealer, keeps an Appointment He visits the Sanc- 
 tuary He overhears an Important Conversation He gets ex- 
 cited He knocks a Man down and frightens two Ladies, who 
 raise the Cry of "Murder" He sees a Novel Version of the 
 Affair in the Newspapers, 204 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 Mr. Gillette's Courtship of $50,000, and where it led him A 
 Sentimental Widow quotes Ingomar An Exciting Chase and a 
 more Exciting Meeting, 210 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 Entitled "The Wandering Jew" An Adventure in Twelfth street 
 The Hero mounts to the Fourth Floor, and finds a Girl with 
 exceeding Red Hair A Boy with a Natural Instinct of Jus- 
 tice, 22Y 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 The Second Adventure of Mr. Jew He goes to meet Anna 
 Barton He encounters an aggrieved Husband A Battle and 
 numerous Black Eyes Pursuit by Metropolitan Police Officers 
 Free Lodgings in the Station-House, 232 
 
CONTENTS. IX 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 The Concluding Adventure of Mr. Felix Jew He goes to the 
 Academy of Music, and gets in Love A Sick Wife, who proves 
 to be a Myth A Cousin, who proves to belong to the Peter Funk 
 Fraternity Poem of a Matrimonial Candidate which led to Im- 
 portant Results, 233 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 Mr. Eli Boyse treats his Father-in-law to a Champagne Dinner at 
 Gosling's He subsequently parts with his Boots : The Manner of 
 said Parting being fully set forth. 249 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 An Unmitigated Scoundrel How Mr. Montgomery fell in with an 
 old Acquaintance, and how he was Flogged by a Woman How 
 he made Love to a Boston Widow, and managed to get 
 $1,000, ..254 
 
 CHAPTER XXVII. 
 
 A Brief History calculated to show that a Man is liable to be 
 Mistaken, 263 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 
 The Trials and Triumphs of Mr. Patrick McGrath Squatter Sover- 
 eignty in New York The Feud of the O'Fynns and the O'Dono- 
 hues How Mrs. O'Fynn demolished Doors A Demijohn of 
 Whisky is stolen The terrible Engagement to which it led 
 The Belligerents cooled off with boiling Water Another Wed- 
 ding, 270 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 The advantages of knowing Gorman Mr. Black's Adventure with a 
 Maid from Faderland A very fine Scheme is discussed in his 
 presence, which he has the good fortune to understand, .... 281 
 
 CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 Physicians and their. Love Secrets Dr. Bland His Promises, and 
 how they are fulfilled How to become Invisible How to win the 
 
 1* 
 
X CONTENTS. 
 
 Obstinate, etc., etc. The Mayor stops the Doctor's Letters 
 The Doctor is Arrested He admits that he is a Humbug, . . 288 
 
 CHAPTER XXXI 
 
 Madame Hurst Fortunes of a Fortune-teller A successful Ex- 
 periment Her Opinion of her Customers and of her Art, . . 301 
 
 CHAPTER XXXII. 
 
 The " Matrimonial Alliance Bureau " of Clement A. Watson, 111 
 South Brooklyn Some original Documents, showing the Nodus 
 Operandi of Matrimonial Brokerage, together with the Corres- 
 pondence and Experience of Mr. James P. Hope, Lawyer, and 
 the Conclusions to which he came, 308 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIII. 
 
 A NEW AND SINGULAR CHAPTER IN THE LIFE OF MRS CUNNINGHAM 
 BURDELL. 
 
 She visits a Matrimonial Office in Forty-third street Is introduced 
 to Mr. Fitzgerald, of St. Louis Her Appearance and Dress 
 Her Opinion of Domestic Peace and of New York Ladies She 
 offers to find a Model Wife Her Sentiments on Love, Marriage 
 and Divorce Is a Free-Lover Mrs. Willis, the Broker, dis- 
 courses of Ghosts She relates the Wonderful Story of a Clock 
 Fitzgerald makes a Remark about Dead Men, and Cunningham 
 gets Nervous An Important Confession about her Marriage 
 She tells her Age She offers to cure Fitzgerald of a Cold 
 Wants him to go and drink a Punch of her making He thinks 
 of the Bloody Work in Bond street, and declines She accepts 
 Five Dollars as a Slight Token of Respect She Discourses of 
 Tfcjjjders and Executions Is opposed to Capital Punishment 
 Denounces the Reporters as a Meddlesome, Lying Set of Vul- 
 tures Her Opinion of the Tombs as a Residence A Decisive 
 Meeting Cunningham wants a Set of Furs She offers to take 
 Charge of Fitzgerald's Household Affairs Wants him to take a 
 House Up Town Mr. Fitzgerald attempts to get away, but is 
 seized by Cunningham and detained by Force He makes 
 another Present and gets into the Hall, which is Dark He finds 
 himself Locked in He caUs in vain to be released He gets into 
 the Parlor, resolved to smash a Window Interesting Denou- 
 raent Where Mrs. Cunningham went after the Meeting. . . . 320 
 
MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 A BRIEF EXPLANATION. 
 
 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE, or professional match- 
 making, is carried on in New York under multi- 
 farious forms, chiefly through the agency of matri- 
 monial offices. 
 
 Matrimonial offices are, professedly, places for 
 matrimonial candidates to form acquaintances ; or, 
 as it is expressed in an advertisement of one of 
 these establishments, " for introducing ladies j&rl 
 gentlemen at present unknown to each other, who 
 are desirous of entering into matrimony." 
 
 Thus: Mr. A. wants a wife. He goes to the 
 matrimonial office, registers his name, describes his 
 personal appearance, his circumstances, habits and 
 tastes ; also the kind owoman he desires to marry. 
 
 11 
 
12 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 Miss B. wants a husband. She goes to tlie office 
 and makes a similar entry. The broker, or agent, 
 with a large " assortment " of candidates on the 
 books, selects and introduces such as seem suited to 
 each other, charging one to ten dollars as a registry 
 anjj, introcluction fe.e, .with an additional charge for 
 ever j ,Jmbe'qti.rit Meeting of the parties at the 
 office.^ J;igamderstop4.4hat names and residences 
 , drfo 1 ; strictly ijonfiil^ntiql; and are never to be 
 revealed without the consent of the person inter- 
 ested. 
 
 The theory of matrimonial brokers is, that cir- 
 cumstances often prevent persons meeting a suit- 
 able companion, and that by availing themselves 
 of the brokerage system, they may escape the un- 
 pleasant dilemma of remaining single or marrying 
 unhappily. 
 
 . But since "Wall street, the great centre of all 
 brokerage but this, has its peccadilloes, it need not 
 surprise us if matrimonial agents do sometimes 
 vary from the rectangular rules of honesty, and 
 say one thing when they actually mean another. 
 How their practice corresponds jwith their theory, 
 will appear from the chapters which follow. 
 
CIIAPTEE II. 
 
 Mrs. Frost's Matrimonial Office Brunettes and Blondes Matrimony 
 and Hair Dye Grand Chance for Speculation Remarkable 
 Faculty for Lying A Mechanic in a Cold Room Hopes de- 
 ferred " a Few Days." 
 
 THE matrimonial brokerage office of Mrs. Frost 
 was originally opened in Bleecker street, but subse- 
 quently removed to Fourth street. 
 
 Mrs. Frost is a lively little woman, about thirty 
 years old, who makes no great professions of 
 honesty, but expresses a willingness that other 
 people shall be wholly honest if they choose, 
 although her experience, she says, has convinced 
 her that it does not pay very well. She repre- 
 sents herself as a widow, or as having a husband, 
 as the occasion seems to require. "Sometimes," 
 she says, "I like to have people think I am mar- 
 ried ; they think better of me for it, and it is to 
 my advantage. But sometimes I prefer to be a 
 widow." In the first instance she exhibits a mar- 
 riage certificate, which she keeps on "hand for the 
 jvurpose, and holds to be conclusive evidence that 
 
 13 
 
li MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 she lias a husband ; in the second case she stoutly 
 denies the existence of such a being. 
 
 She claims to possess full information concerning 
 the character and circumstances of all the persons 
 on her list, and desires to have her recommendation 
 of a candidate taken as final and conclusive evi- 
 dence of his respectability. We are sorry to say, 
 however, that if a man will pay this scrupulous 
 broker with sufficient liberality, he can be intro- 
 duced to any female on her list, even if she knows 
 less of him and the truth of his assertions than of 
 the accuracy of the inscriptions on the tombs of 
 the Pharaohs. He need not even give any name. 
 
 "Blessed is he," saith the Book of Mormon, 
 " who bloweth his own horn ; for whoso bloweth 
 not his own horn, the same shall not be bio wed." 
 Likewise : "Whoso bloweth his own horn, the same 
 shall be blowed with a vengeance." 
 
 For a conspicuous example of both texts, we 
 refer to Madame Frost. She perse veringly adver- 
 tised in the papers, and issued circulars setting 
 forth the beauty and accomplishments of the bru- 
 nettes and blondes, with sparkling eyes, and rosy 
 cheeks, and flowing locks, and graceful forms, 
 whose names were on her list. 
 
 There were in fact some very pretty girls among 
 
A WIDOW WITH A KECIPE. 15 
 
 these hopeful candidates for matrimony ; but as a 
 general rule, view borrowed enchantment from dis- 
 tance. 
 
 One of her " beauties " was a widow, over fifty 
 years of age, of immense frame, sharp, ugly fea- 
 tures, and as garrulous as Xantippe. She was 
 anxious to marry, she said, for two reasons. First, 
 she believed with Antoinette Brown, that " a good 
 husband is a good thing," and thought she should 
 be happier married than in a single state. But 
 second, and chiefly, she had a recipe for making 
 hair-dye and perfumery, which "excelled any in 
 the known world ;" and if she could get a man 
 with sufficient capital to set up in the business, " it 
 would be the making of both," as well as the hair- 
 dye. She always carried a bottle of the perfumery 
 with her upon her courtship expeditions, and would 
 expatiate upon its merits with a verbosity excelling 
 the verbosity of the vender of razor-strops. She 
 evidently intended so to impress some man with its 
 value that he would take her for the sake of get- 
 ting the recipe. But as human hopes are transient 
 as the colors of Iris, it is not to be wondered at, 
 perhaps, that she failed in this; and that after a 
 great number of fruitless journeys to the matri- 
 monial office, she abandoned it in despair. 
 
16 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 Another of the female candidates was a coarse 
 German woman, who wanted a husband to tend bar, 
 having lost her former one., who was a " sehr guter 
 Mann," about two months previous to her applica- 
 tion to Mrs. Frost. She said, when he was alive 
 to tend bar, business went on well ; but since he 
 died she had missed his services a good deal, and 
 wanted to supply his place. 
 
 Mrs. Frost charged five dollars for an introduc- 
 tion to one of these beauties, and where a rich 
 widow was involved, wanted more, though she 
 would take even less than five dollars if she could 
 not get so much. The fee entitled the person to 
 one introduction ; another introduction involved the 
 necessity of another fee. 
 
 Mrs. Frost was a remarkable liar. Her gift in 
 this respect might excite the envy of all students 
 of the art. She would lie, not with hesitation and 
 blushes, but with earnestness and fluency. If she 
 found herself involved in the tangled web which 
 the old couplet assures us the deceiver weaves, she 
 always found strength sufficient for her day, and 
 would lie herself out with gusto and dexterity. 
 
 The man who refused Mrs. Frost's demand for 
 money was her enemy. She would annoy and per- 
 secute him in sundry ways. A mechanic who had 
 
WAITING IN A COLD ROOM. 17 
 
 few acquaintances in the city, and desired a wife, 
 called upon Mrs. Frost. The result was an appoint- 
 ment to meet a female at the office at a given time ; 
 and Mrs. Frost agreed to give the woman notice 
 and secure her presence. But he was not liberal 
 enough to meet the wishes of the virtuous broker ; 
 she, therefore, determined upon revenge, and did 
 not give the female in question notice of his ap- 
 pointment. 
 
 Punctual to the hour, the expectant mechanic 
 was at the house. It was a cold day in February, 
 and he was shown into a room up-stairs where there 
 was no fire, Mrs. Frost assuring him that the lady 
 would arrive in a few minutes, and that he should 
 see her in the parlor. But an hour passed and no 
 one came. He finally grew impatient, and rapped 
 upon the landlady's door. She again took him to 
 the cold room, told him she would send a messen- 
 ger after the lady immediately, and that if he 
 would wait a few minutes, she had no- doubt he 
 could have an interview. " It is cold up there, I 
 know," she added, " but the parlor is occupied by 
 another couple, at present ; they will leave by the 
 time she comes, however, and you can have it." 
 
 The mechanic returned to his cheerless quarters, 
 and the landlady went back to the fire, to ridicule 
 
18 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 liiui and laugh at the deception of which he was 
 the unsuspecting victim. At last, after another 
 hour's waiting, he lost all patience. She then an- 
 nounced that the messenger had returned, and that 
 the lady had been taken violently ill, but would be 
 able to see him in a few days. So the mechanic's 
 hopes were postponed 
 
 " A few days, a few days, a few days longer." 
 
CHAPTEE III. 
 
 Another sudden Frost blights the Mechanic's Hopes Breaking off 
 Matches How and Why it is done Spies A Stiff-Xecked 
 Israelite Fictitious Capital An Errand and a Clerk " Done " 
 simultaneously Correspondence A Chicago Man takes a Les- 
 son in the Mutability of all Human Affairs, etc. 
 
 EVER since the second chapter, the verdant me- < 
 chanic has been left waiting in a cold' room for his 
 lady-love, the thermometer meantime contracting 
 to its minimum dimensions, having been informed 
 by Mrs. Frost that he must wait " a few days 
 longer." 
 
 Suspecting nothing of the trick which had been 
 practised upon him, he held on with commendable 
 pertinacity, and after many journeys and the expen- 
 diture of nameless drachmas, succeeded in obtain- 
 ing an introduction. He made rapid progress in 
 his courtship. The twain seemed to be on what 
 the spiritualists call the same plane and in coinci- . 
 dent spheres ; and it was agreed that at their next 
 interview they should exchange addresses after 
 which, he expected to be able to court upon his 
 
20 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 own hook, and do as other lovers do walk up to 
 the front door and ring the bell at her father's 
 house. 
 
 He looked anxiously forward for the time of meet- 
 ing ; and when it arrived, started eagerly for the 
 matrimonial office, singing that familiar hymn : 
 
 " 0, bliss ! more blissful for the clouds 
 Which did obscure thee once !" 
 
 The author of the Pickwick Papers, with that 
 rare sagacity for which ho is distinguished, has 
 remarked that " when you have parted with a man 
 at two o'clock in the morning on terms of the ut- 
 most good fellowship, and he meets you again at 
 half-past nine, and greets you as a i serpent,' it is 
 not unreasonable to conclude that something of an 
 unpleasant nature has happened I" 
 
 Our mechanic came to the same conclusion, when, 
 upon reaching Mrs. Frost's office, and inquiring if 
 the " gal " had arrived, the lively little broker re- 
 plied, " No, she has not, and will not ! She don't 
 want to see you again !" Something had happened. 
 
 " Not see me again !" exclaimed the mechanic, 
 starting back, very much like a man rapped on the 
 nose with a mallet. 
 
 "I'm very sorry," said Mrs. Frost, "but I can't 
 
A LOVER PKOSTEATED. 21 
 
 help it ; that's what she said. And, between you 
 and me, she is rather fickle. I think she liked you 
 well enough, but she don't hold her mind long. 
 But there are enough others, better ones, too, that 
 I can introduce you to." 
 
 There was nothing to be said. The smitten and 
 stricken lover could not go and throw himself at 
 the feet of his cruel mistress, for the reason that he 
 couldn't find his mistress, much less her feet. 
 
 Hence we do view, from the above brief tale, 
 that it is one of the thirty-nine articles of Mrs. 
 Frost's creed to blight the hopes, undermine the 
 desires, dislocate the plans, and prostrate the aspi- 
 rations of her patrons. If the mechanic "and his 
 charmer had been married, there was nothing more 
 to be made out of % them. But if the match could 
 be broken off, the mechanic might be induced to 
 get an introduction to another party, in which case, 
 of course, he would pay another fee ; and the girl's 
 name would still be retained upon the list among 
 the female candidates a source of further profit. 
 
 In this instance the girl was as anxious for the 
 meeting as he, but she, like him, had been told by 
 the lively and little Mrs. Frost, matrimonial broker, 
 that the mechanic had sent word he should not be 
 there ; that he had seen another girl to whom he 
 
22 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 had taken a greater fancy, and did not wish to see 
 her again. 
 
 " Each lover thought the other false." 
 
 Breaking off matches, if there is any prospect 
 of marriage, is a regular branch of the business. 
 Before the parties have exchanged addresses it is 
 easily done, but afterwards it is more difficult. In 
 such cases, the plan of the broker is to create mu- 
 tual distrust. Vague hints are at first thrown out 
 to each against the other, although with professions 
 of the sincerest friendship. 
 
 " Where's that palace whereinto foul things 
 Sometimes intrude not ? Who has a breast so pure, 
 But some uncleanly apprehensions 
 Keep leets and law-days, and in sessions sit 
 With meditations lawful?" 
 
 Such was the substance, if not the form, of her 
 hints. She possessed the power of insinuation to a 
 remarkable degree. She invariably left the im- 
 pression, on such occasions, that she knew more 
 than she would tell. lago never understood better 
 that 
 
 " Dangerous conceits are in their nature poisons 
 Which at the first are scarce found to distaste; 
 But with a little act upon the blood, 
 Burn like the mines of sulphur." 
 
UNKIND CUTS. 23 
 
 
 
 She did not herself believe it possible, she would 
 say to the masculine A. ; but she had lately heard 
 suspicious things whispered about the virtue of the 
 feminine B. Meantime, the B. was told of various 
 unholy things which rumor had whispered concern- 
 ing the A. If she was listened to, her insinuations 
 gradually assumed a more definite form, and finally 
 ripened into the hardest accusations. 
 
 The A. was told that the B. was, or at least had 
 been, far too familiar with X., and did not mean to 
 marry A. if she could get a richer man, but only 
 encouraged him as a dernier resort^ in case she 
 failed to get the wealthy but as yet unsnared Z. 
 
 Miss B. was told that Mr. A. was a rascal, a hum- 
 bug and a libertine, and that he had confessed that 
 he never had any intention of marrying her; that 
 he said it in confidence, but she was determined 
 not to allow a friend for whom her bosom was fired 
 with such a tender and Platonic fiame, to be im- 
 posed upon, especially as she was, in part, responsi- 
 ble for the acquaintance; all of which, of course, 
 gave Miss B. a high opinion of the lively and 
 deceitful little Mrs. F., and inspired her with 
 profound gratitude for her maternal warning and 
 protection, which met with a more than maternal 
 success. 
 
24 MATBIMOXIAL BROKERAGE* 
 
 If either of the parties, as they very naturally 
 would, asked why they were ever introduced to one 
 so unworthy, Mrs. Frost was ready with the answer 
 that she had herself been deceived, and that it was 
 only by an accident that she discovered it. But 
 hearing it intimated that there was something 
 wrong, she had followed up the rumor and ascer- 
 tained the truth. 
 
 Indeed, she claimed that no one could long de- 
 ceive her, and that she could in time discover the 
 secrets of all her patrons. And, to this end, ac- 
 cording to her own confession, she carried on a sys- 
 tem of espionage, and tracked her customers to 
 every part of the city. 
 
 There was a young Jew in her house, with a face 
 as square as a die, but not so little, who seemed 
 much attached to her. His brains were as muddy 
 as an acre of the Dismal Swamp ; but the wit of 
 this stiff-necked Israelite would sometimes arise and 
 shine, and give the family a deal of trouble. On 
 such occasions he would go off on a spree, spend all 
 the money he could lay his hands on, and run in 
 debt up to his eyes. He once carried off Mrs. 
 Frost's trunk her leather trunk, we mean worth 
 twenty-five dollars, and pawned it for a dollar and 
 a half. There was another man, less seen in the 
 
DUTIFUL SPIES. 25 
 
 house, whom she sometimes called her husband 
 and besides these, a Scotch girl, any or all of whom 
 she sent out as spies upon the movements of her 
 patrons. 
 
 " Little did Miss B. think," she once said, when 
 trying to break up a fancied attachment; " little did 
 Miss B. think, when she met that man on the cor- 
 ner, from whom she parted here the other evening, 
 that I sent a man out at the side door to watch her. 
 But I did) and she met the man, too, and I can 
 prove it. She has had her day with me : she de- 
 ceived me a long time, but now I know her, and I 
 shall tell her -never to set foot in this house again 
 the very next time she comes." 
 
 The next time the girl came, however, she was 
 welcomed as warmly as ever, and told any amount 
 of wicked things which Mr. A. had said and done. 
 
 Taking lessons with docility from the Parker 
 Yeiii Coal Company, who, like her, anxious to 
 make money a little faster than in the legitimate 
 course of business was possible, a few years since 
 issued some millions fictitious stock, not to mention 
 the more recent example of the La Crosse and Mil- 
 waukie Railroad Company, which invested in a 
 governor and State legislature on a speculation, and 
 issued bonds on land it did not own, Mrs. Frost 
 
 2 
 
26 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 does business on fictitious capital. The plan of pro- 
 fessing to send a messenger or to go herself upon 
 an errand, and getting pay, without sending or 
 going, was frequently tried, and with such success 
 as to become a regular branch of trade. 
 
 A charmed clerk had been introduced to a charm- 
 ing little female, whom he wished to see again ; and 
 Mrs. Frost promised to give her notice and secure 
 her presence at the office upon a given day. At 
 the specified time the charmed called ; but the 
 charmer was not there. He was told she would 
 soon come ; but after waiting in vain a long time 
 he grew impatient. 
 
 " It is strange," Mrs. Frost exclaimed " strange 
 that she don't come! Look a-here! suppose I go 
 up and find out if there was not some mistake. 
 I am sure there must be ; for I saw her this very 
 morning, and she promised certain to come." 
 
 " I wish you would go !" eagerly replied the smit- 
 ten dispenser of tapes and muslins. 
 
 " I will ; but you see I must ride. They charge 
 fare on the cars, and who knows how many custo- 
 mers I may lose by going ? But give me a dollar, 
 and I'll go." 
 
 The dollar was willingly paid. The landlady 
 went out of the room, spent an hour in her own apart- 
 
A. DOLLAR FOE A LETTER. 27 
 
 rnent, reading the Anatomy of Melancholy, and 
 making a diagnosis of the case down stairs, and 
 when she had finished a chapter, returned with 
 word that the girl could not come that day. 
 
 The clerk's troubles were not at an end ; for his 
 credulity was not yet exhausted, and his purse not 
 yet empty; and while faith and capital held out, 
 Mrs. Frost held on. He subsequently saw the girl, 
 and made another appointment; but before the 
 time for the meeting arrived she was taken ill. 
 She wrote him a note, apologizing for her absence, 
 which she gave to Mrs. Frost. When the clerk 
 called, in expectation of the meeting, he was told 
 that the girl was sick, but the fact that she had 
 written him a letter was carefully concealed. 
 
 During the conversation, Mrs. Frost magnified 
 the illness of the young woman to a fearful degree, ' 
 expressed fears that she would not recover, and 
 finally suggested that she " had better run up and 
 see how she was getting on. Perhaps," she added, 
 " the lady will be well enough to write to you." 
 
 The disconsolate clerk gave her a dollar to go 
 on the errand; she withdrew to another room, 
 resumed her studies of the Anatomy of Melan- 
 choly, and in due time returned, delivering the 
 letter she had received the day before. 
 
28 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 Correspondence from the country and from other 
 cities, was a source of revenue to Mrs. Frost. Her 
 advertisements, which were widely scattered, an- 
 nounced that the business could be done by corres- 
 pondence ; but no letter would receive attention 
 unless a fee was inclosed. 
 
 When a letter was received, she replied by set- 
 ting forth the advantages of the matrimonial 
 brokerage system, the beauty and virtues of the 
 numerous female candidates upon her list, and by 
 assuring the correspondent that scores of happy 
 marriages were daily brought about through her 
 agency. 
 
 When a sufficient fee was forwarded, the next 
 thing was to get some girl to correspond; if this 
 could not be done, she answered the letters her- 
 self, assuming the character of a highly accom- 
 plished young lady, anxious to meet a congenial 
 spirit. 
 
 Generally, however, she found girls enough 
 ready to correspond ; and not unfrequently she had 
 one in correspondence with half a dozen or more 
 deluded strangers at the same time, each of whom 
 was made to believe himself the sole object of 
 interest to his fair but unknown correspondent. 
 
 In one instance, a man who had paid liberally, 
 
LONG JOURNEY FOR NOTHING. 29 
 
 came all the way from Chicago to see a young 
 woman with whom he had been exchanging very 
 affectionate letters, for three or four months, and 
 with whom, as he supposed, he had exchanged like- 
 nesses. Had he known that Mrs. Frost had written 
 all the letters he had received, and that the 
 daguerreotype which was sent him was copied 
 from a plate, it is probable he would not have 
 made the journey. When he arrived and ad- 
 dressed a note to his imaginary sweetheart, he 
 received one in reply returning his picture, and 
 thanking him for his attentions, but declining, " for 
 satisfactory reasons," to see him ; and he returned 
 without beholding the object of his journey, to 
 ruminate upon the fickle nature of woman, and 
 convinced of the . truth of the old political song, 
 that 
 
 " Doubtful things are mighty unsartm." 
 
CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Mr. Peter Salmon and bis Affinities His Courtship of the Hair- 
 Dye and Perfumery Widow His Present of a Codfish, and 
 how he was whipped with it The Stiff-necked Israelite aroused 
 A Tragedy Happy Effects of Brandy. 
 
 PETEK SALMON had in view the eternal litness of 
 things, when he hired out to the keeper of a fish 
 market. By any other name, however, he would 
 have srnelled as sweet; for he carried in his gar- 
 ments the fishy odor ranker and smelling further 
 than the fish themselves an odor, in the language 
 of the ancient writer, more than codfish, more than 
 mackerel, more than shad, but something com- 
 pounded of all these odors, and in itself more than 
 odor ; sed potlus commune quoddam ex omnibus, et 
 plus quam polecat. 
 
 In his person, too, it was observed, Mr. Salmon 
 bore a strong. resemblance- to the finny tribes, as 
 any person in ten might have seen who has visited 
 Barnum's Museum, and "knows what an aquaria 
 is." His long, lank body was as straight as an eel 
 
SALMON GETS AN IDEA. 31 
 
 Stretched out straight ; his shirt, checked with 
 small red spots, was singularly like a trout's belly ; 
 his short, broad hands resembled the tail of a cod- 
 fish ; his round eyes were not unlike a crab's ; and, 
 we regret to say, his habits were those of a sucker. 
 Here, unfortunately, his affinities with the sub- 
 marine inhabitants cease ; for water was more 
 out of his element in him that any other potable 
 fluid. 
 
 Like too many young men, Mr. Salmon got sick 
 of his calling. " Anything but the fish business !" 
 became his habitual remark. Hence, although his 
 literary acquirements were none of the best, he 
 fell into a habit of reading the "wants" in the 
 papers, and in this manner one morning stum- 
 bled upon the matrimonial advertisement of Mrs. 
 Frost. 
 
 Novelty has a charm for young and tender 
 minds ; and although Mr. Salmon was only thirty 
 years of age at the time, he began to think of mar- 
 riage, and grasped at the chances offered in the 
 advertisement as eagerly as spry terriers spring at 
 the vanishing tails of sprier rats. 
 
 "Who knows," such was his soliloquy, "who 
 knows but I may strike on some rich widder, and 
 get, out o' the fish business ?" 
 
32 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 "With tliese views lie went to the- matrimonial 
 office one evening, and was soon inspired by Mrs. 
 Frost with the liveliest anticipations of immediate 
 matrimony and money. He paid his fee of five 
 dollars, but declined making any entry in the book, 
 partly because he did not wish to commit himself 
 too soon, and chiefly because his chirographic 
 accomplishments scarcely warranted the undertak- 
 ing. He had, in fact, like the Roman Catholic 
 archbishop, a habit of writing his signature with a 
 cross. Unlike the prelate, however, he did not add 
 his patronymic. 
 
 Mrs. Frost recommended to Mr. Salmon the 
 widow with the recipe for hair-dye and per- 
 fumery, mentioned in the . second chapter. By 
 adding largely to her personal attractions, subtract- 
 ing fifteen years from her age, and multiplying her 
 virtues with great earnestness, Mrs. Frost drew a 
 picture of the widow which completely captivated 
 the simple mind of the piscatory Salmon. He 
 engaged to meet her the next evening, and Mrs. 
 Frost engaged to let her of the hair-dye know all 
 about his yearnings. 
 
 Mr. Salmon could not sleep that night. He was 
 tossed upon his bed with a multitude of pleasant 
 emotions; and so sure was he of success that he 
 
SALMON IN HIGH SPIRITS. 33 
 
 assumed many unusual airs in the market next day. 
 lie was impudent to his employer impudent to 
 customers, and knocked down a small boy who 
 offended him. At one time he fell into a 
 reverie, " Who knows ! this may be my last 
 day in the fish business marry the widow set 
 up a hair-dye and perfumery shop in Broadway 
 have nothing to do but dress like a gentleman 
 stand behind the counter and take in the 
 cash!" 
 
 During this reverie several customers passed on 
 to other stands, in consequence of his neglect. 
 Observing this, his employer reproved him ; where- 
 upon he told that worthy gentleman to " go to brim- 
 stone," and uttered a fearful malediction upon the 
 fish business. 
 
 As night came in, Mr. Salmon went out; not, 
 however, until he had done up a nice codfish and 
 some smaller fry, as a slight token of his gratitude 
 and devotion to Mrs. Frost, who was doing him 
 such essential service. These she accepted, with 
 many appropriate acknowledgments and compli- 
 ments, saying, among other things, that he deserved 
 the best woman in the United States. 
 
 Mr. Salmon found her of the hair-dye awaiting 
 him in the parlor, and was introduced. 
 
 2* 
 
34 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 
 
 Now Mr. Salmon's prejudices in regard to what 
 a woman should be, were as strong as his habitual 
 odor. In his estimation it was woman's duty to 
 remain silent in the presence of man, and never to 
 speak unless spoken to. Silence, in his opinion, 
 was woman's crowning virtue ; but silence with the 
 lady of the hair-dye was a virtue in which she was 
 deficient to a remarkable degree. Poor Mr. Sal- 
 mon had framed many pretty speeches in his mind, 
 all for her benefit ; but he had no chance to deliver 
 them ; it was as easy to drive a horse and dray 
 through Niagara as to break into her interminable 
 sentences. 
 
 So disgusted was Mr. Salmon with the widow's 
 gift of tongue, that he inwardly uttered an excla- 
 mation of praise and thanksgiving when she arose 
 to depart. Although she talked incessantly while 
 putting on her hat and shawl, talked while he 
 attended her to the door, and talked standing in the 
 door, and talked with her hand upon the knob, he 
 saw a prospect of being relieved from the intolera- 
 ble persecution. No sooner was she out of doors 
 than he rushed frantically into the kitchen (which 
 was also the sitting-room), and opened a furious 
 tirade upon Mrs. Frost, for having introduced him 
 to such a " hag of Bedlam." 
 
THE ISRAELITE GETS DRUNK. 35 
 
 Mrs. Frost, with all her virtues, was not remark- 
 ble for patience ; and, not being in the best of 
 humor went off like a torpedo. 
 
 Now, it so happened that the stiff-necked Israel- 
 ite of the square face, mentioned and described in 
 our last chapter, had that evening been down to a 
 newspaper office with a matrimonial advertisement, 
 for the insertion of which he paid out of a $1 bill, 
 with which he had been injudiciously intrusted, 
 and appropriating the remaining half dollar to his 
 own unrighteous uses, had returned home as drunk 
 as four shillings' worth of bad gin and brandy could 
 make him. 
 
 When Mr. Salmon commenced his onslaught 
 upon Mrs. Frost, the Israelite sat in one corner of 
 the room, with his feet on the table and his head 
 drooping upon his bosom, as if in profound medita- 
 tion. He at first paid little attention to the fierce 
 war of words, but finally awoke to a partial reali- 
 zation of what was passing. 
 
 "Pay me back my five dollars !" said Mr. Sal- 
 mon. 
 
 " I shan't do it !" said Mrs. Frost. " I agreed to 
 introduce you and I did introduce you. You 
 wanted to see this one, and if you don't like her it's 
 none of my fish !" 
 
36 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 The allusion to fish was unfortunate. It remind- 
 ed Mr. Salmon of the friendly holocaust he brought 
 under his arm on that memorable evening. 
 
 "You'd better talk of fish!" he fairly roared in 
 reply. " "Where's the cod and mackerel I gave" 
 you ! Five dollars wasn't enough, I suppose. Give 
 me back my fish !" 
 
 " I shan't do that neither !" said Mrs. Frost. 
 " You want me to do your work for nothing, and 
 then abuse me for it. You can take your hat and 
 march just as soon as you please !" 
 
 " I'll have my fish before I go !" said the indig- 
 nant and highly-flavored Salmon. 
 
 " Then you'll wait till doomsday !" replied the 
 lively and no less indignant little Frost. 
 
 " Give me my fish !" shouted Mr. Salmon. 
 
 The stiff-necked Israelite was now thoroughly 
 awake. He rushed to the cupboard, and seizing 
 the codfish by the tail, swung it over his head in 
 mortal defiance, crying out to the astonished 
 Salmon : 
 
 "There's your fish! take your fish and be 
 d d to you !" 
 
 Saying which he fell upon the now petrified Sal- 
 mon and gave him a broadside of codfish "upon the 
 chops, which brought him to the earth. 
 
SALMON RESTORED TO REASON. 37 
 
 "Don't don't! Luke! don't 1" exclaimed Mrs. 
 Frost, throwing herself between the fiery Israelite 
 and his victim. But it was of no avail. The wrath- 
 ful Luke plied the codfish to the body of the pros- 
 trate Salmon, until it (the codfish) lay scattered 
 about the floor in a thousand fragments; after 
 which he quietly resumed his former meditative 
 posture. Mr. Salmon was 
 
 " vanquished, but unsubdued." 
 
 No sooner had Luke resumed his seat, than his 
 senses, stupefied by the sudden application of the 
 homoeopathic principle of " Similia similibus curan- 
 tur" came back with all their accustomed brilliancy. 
 He squared off in front of his antagonist and de- 
 manded satisfaction, instead of salmon, but receiv- 
 ing no answer, was about to take summary ven- 
 geance, when Mrs. Frost interfered and begged a 
 truce. 
 
 Mr. Salmon declared that one of two things 
 would happen. He would either flog the Israelite 
 then and there, until no bone should remain in his 
 body unbroken, or he would go directly to the po- 
 lice office and have him arrested for assault and bat- 
 tery. 
 
 Mrs. Frost was perplexed. Luke was a favorite, 
 
38 MATRIMONIAL BKOKEKAGE. 
 
 and the idea of seeing him flogged before her eyes 
 was intolerable ; a complaint before a police magis- 
 trate, an arrest and a trial were equally so. 
 
 Something must be done, and the lively little 
 woman tried the power of persuasion. She was 
 very sorry for what had happened; Luke was 
 drunk, or he never would have acted so; the 
 woman with the hair-dye had deceived her never 
 before was heard to talk so ; she would introduce 
 him to another girl without charging him a cent, 
 etc., etc. 
 
 Salmon was inexorable, 
 
 " With death-shot glowing iu his fiery hands, 
 And eye that scorcheth all it glares upon ! 
 Restless it rolls now fixed, and now, anon, 
 Flashing afar ; and at his iron feet 
 Destruction cowers to mark what deeds are done P 
 
 He was about to plant one of the " iron feet' 7 
 aforesaid into the ribs of the Israelite, when Mrs. 
 Frost hit upon an expedient. She slipped a fifty 
 cent piece into Luke's hand, and the shining coin 
 wrought like magic upon his muddy wits. Much 
 quicker than Mr. Salmon's quickest thoughts, he 
 rushed out of the door and made good time to the 
 nearest drinking-house, leaving Mr. Salmon once 
 
BRANDY AND FORGIVENESS. 39 
 
 more liarpooned with astonishment at the sudden- 
 ness of his movements. 
 
 " Queer boy that ! quick work !" was the first 
 remark with which he broke the silence. 
 
 " A very strange man," said Mrs. Frost ; " don't 
 mind him ; he's in liquor. He's a perfect tiger in 
 liquor can handle a dozen common men ; but when 
 he's sober is the best fellow in the world." 
 
 " Singular !" was the conclusion of the relenting 
 Salmon. " I drink, myself, sometimes." 
 
 "Wouldn't you take a little brandy now, Mr. 
 Salmon?" 
 
 Saying this, the shrewd little broker ran to the 
 cupboard, unlocked an inside door, and placed a 
 glass of brandy in contiguity with the delighted 
 Salmon in double quick time. 
 
 The expedient was a happy one. Mr. Salmon 
 drank, and the effect was remarkable. He was feli- 
 citous, contented and friendly. He was at peace 
 with all man and womankind forgave Mrs. Frost 
 whatever wrong she had done him, might, could or 
 should do him ; and in the best of humor wended 
 his way to the shrines of departed fish. 
 
CHAPTER Y. 
 
 The Memorable Courtship of Herr Altkopf A Wedding at last 
 Coal Dust and Lager Bier A Mammoth Infidel A sudden and 
 unwelcome Apparition Fearful Cattle between two Husbands 
 Tragic termination of Wedded Bliss. 
 
 IT lias been long known that the methods of re- 
 moving the feline cutaneous covering are more than 
 can be expressed by the first of the integers ; and 
 that the methods of compounding sausages are 
 numberless, is proven by the case of the Corpora- 
 tion agt. Herr Schlagenhamer, who was recently 
 arrested in the act of chopping up dogs for sausage- 
 meat, without due process of law, thus interfering 
 with the prerogatives of the municipal pound. It 
 is also true that there is more than one way of mak- 
 ing money ; and Mrs. Frost has furnished a notable 
 illustration of the fact. 
 
 It happened that she occupied a house in one 
 room of which a fortune-teller had formerly re- 
 vealed the hidden mysteries of fate, and whose 
 credulous patrons, not being great readers of the 
 
 40 
 
A GOTH IN HOT WATEB. 41 
 
 newspapers, were not all aware of the fact that she 
 had removed. 
 
 As Mrs. Frost was one morning engaged in an- 
 swering the inquiries of a matrimonial candidate, 
 which extended over four pages of foolscap, she 
 was interrupted by the entrance of a man whose 
 besmeared person was a more conspicuous adver- 
 tisement of his business than the words " coal-yard," 
 upon his cart. 
 
 " 1st the fortune-teller here ?" was his inquiry. 
 
 Mrs. Frost was as prompt in deciding a new 
 point as she was in pocketing a fifty cent piece, and 
 answered without the slightest hesitation : 
 
 " Yes walk in !" 
 
 j The driver of the coal-cart walked into the par- 
 lor with a ponderous tread, the dust flying from 
 either leg as he stepped. He was little accustomed 
 to womankind, except as manifested in the mam- 
 moth specimen whom, until recently, he had re- 
 garded as bone of his bone, and flesh of his flesh ; 
 but, though he was somewhat embarrassed at first, 
 the attractive manners of Mrs. Frost soon put him 
 at ease. 
 
 " Is there -anything I can do for you to-day, sir?" 
 she asked, smiling graciously. 
 
 " Yah ; dat is, I have one hope you may some- 
 ting mit my sorrow do for me." 
 
42 MATRIMONIAL BKOKEKAGE. 
 
 " Ah, are you in trouble ? I am always sorry to 
 see people in trouble, and will help you if I can." 
 
 " Danke Ilnien ! dat ist gopt. Mein frau, dat is 
 vat you call my vife, ist weggelaufen dat is, she is 
 run, mein Gott, away I" 
 
 " How long has she been gone ?" 
 
 " She run zwei week ago away init a Schauspie- 
 ler vas is dat you call him ?" 
 
 "A what?" 
 
 " A Schauspieler. Dat is a man who have one 
 grand exhipition of pig and little vimin. A kleine 
 girl dat is almost a little shild, is die little voman 
 they call thirty years old, wenn she not more as 
 ten, he know she ist die little ; and vat link you 
 now ? He offer me one tousand tollar for my frau 
 for die pig voman, and I ask him two tousand, vich 
 he say pe too much, and so he got her to run away 
 and go mit him to the vest, and she is now the 
 pig." 
 
 " Well, what do you want me to do for you ?" 
 
 " I vant you tell me vere mine frau is, and venn 
 she will come ever pack." 
 
 " Oh, yes, I can tell you that ; but I shall charge 
 you a dollar, and you must pay in advance." 
 
 Having received her fee, Mrs. Frost buried her 
 head in her hands a few minutes, and then said in 
 a decided and solemn manner : 
 
MRS. FEOST AS FORTUNE-TELLER. 43 
 
 "Your wife is in Detroit, Michigan. I see a 
 handbill posted in the street which announces that 
 she will be exhibited this evening admittance 25 
 cents. She will never come back to yon never !" 
 
 " 1st Detroit in the vest ?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " Ten, mein Gott, do you speak trut, for I know 
 she's gone to die vest: and how know you clat 
 unless you know more ?" 
 
 " Of course I tell you the truth ; but you needn't 
 feel bad because she's gone. It is the easiest thing 
 in the world to get another wife. You didn't care 
 much for her, did you?" 
 
 " Gott iin Himmel ! I care much ! He offer me 
 a tousand tollar, and I vos one fool I didn't take it ; 
 put I thought I get two tousand, and now she run 
 off and I get noting. Wenn I had took one tou- 
 sand so vould I care not one tarn !" 
 
 " But she's gone, and the best thing you can do 
 is to get another wife ; get one that will earn more 
 than a thousand dollars." 
 
 The Goth received this proposal in silence, and 
 passed into a state of deep meditation. At last, a 
 smile gleamed through the black curtain that hid 
 his face as he answered : 
 
 " Goot ! dat pe very goot ! But how will I get her ?" 
 
44 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 " I will help you. I keep an office for getting 
 wives ; and if you will pay me enough, I promise to 
 get you one. If I don't I will marry you myself/' 
 
 The expression which overspread the features cf 
 Herr Altkopf when the last proposition of the little 
 broker met his ear, was indescribable. 
 
 " Yat, now, you not got a husband ? I taut you 
 have a husband." 
 
 " Oh, no !" replied Mrs. Frost, " I am a widow/' 
 
 " Dat is goot es ist mir lieb dat is, I am very 
 glad you pe a vidow !" 
 
 Hereupon Mr. Altkopf, in very bad English, 
 recounted Mrs. Frost's attractions with great admi- 
 ration the chief point being her undoubted capa- 
 city to make money at fortune-telling. He finally 
 concluded the eulogy of her virtues by proposing 
 immediate marriage. 
 
 Mrs. Frost replied that she would not marry at 
 present ; that she was partly joking, and must take 
 time to consider ; but added : 
 
 " If you are going to court me, and say you 
 want to marry me, you must do something to show 
 that you are in earnest." 
 
 "Yah vat is dat?" 
 
 '" "Well, although I do not want a man to support 
 me, I do not want a husband who will spend all I 
 
THE GOTH SUPPLIES COAL. 45 
 
 earn. T ou are in the coal business, and if you give 
 me a load of coal this afternoon, and other loads 
 whenever I need it, I shall think well of you, and 
 if I think best, will marry you in the spring." 
 
 The result of the interview appeared about two 
 hours afterward, when the cart of Mr. Altkopf, 
 laden with choice coal, was lightened of its burden 
 in front of Mrs. Frost's residence. 
 
 Time passed, and more coal was needed. Mr. 
 Altkopf, who visited the matrimonial office when- 
 ever he could " steal awhile away," responded 
 with great promptness to the necessity ; and 
 at intervals for at least two months, his cart, as 
 Mr. G. P. R. James would say, " might have been 
 seen " in front of the place discharging its valuable 
 contents. 
 
 Mr. Altkopf at last grew weary of this sort of 
 courtship, not only because he disliked to let his 
 coal go without ready cash, but because he 
 made no progress. Mrs. Frost was always busy 
 when he called, and he got sight of her but a few 
 times in the two months. His patience having at 
 last become exhausted, he sent word to her by the 
 servant girl that he would not fetch her any more 
 coal, unless she saw him at once. 
 
 Mrs. Frost, perceiving the crisis which she had 
 
46 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 long expected, had at last come, received tlie Goth 
 in the parlor with a sweet and winning smile, but 
 informed him that she had not yet decided. 
 
 " Herr Gott ! sacrament 1" was the rough reply 
 of the indignant and not very gallant lover ; " how 
 long tint you I pring you coal for noting ? Now 
 tell me diesen Augenblick tiss minute, vill you pe 
 meine frau dat is my vife, or vill you not ?" 
 
 " You must wait awhile longer ; you are in too 
 much of a hurry," replied Mrs Frost. 
 
 "I vill not wait !" roared the angry Goth, bring- 
 ing his mighty cow-hide boot down with an energy 
 which shook every window in the house, as well as 
 the courage of the broker, and filled the room with 
 fine black coal dust " I vill wait not one pit !" 
 
 "Well, then," replied the frightened Mrs. 
 Frost, " if you will not give me time to consider, I 
 will not marry you." 
 
 " Herr Gott ! sacrament ! den vill you pay me 
 for mein coal !" 
 
 " I will do better for you than to marry you my- 
 self," replied Mrs. Frost ; a I will introduce you to 
 a widow who has a good business, and will give you 
 a situation at once where you can do better than 
 at drawing coal." 
 
 The Goth, in spite of his sudden ebullition of wrath, 
 
THE GOTH IN CLEAN LINEN. 47 
 
 had great faith in Mrs. Frost ; and as matrimony 
 was with him simply a speculation, he listened to 
 the proposal. 
 
 It will be remembered that in a preceding chap- 
 ter, we mentioned a certain German widow, among 
 Mrs. Frost's candidates, who was in search of a hus- 
 band to tend bar, having lost her spouse some two 
 months before. She kept a lager-bier saloon in 
 Stanton street, not of the highest character; and to 
 this woman, in due time, Mr. Altkopf was intro- 
 duced. 
 
 As both were in search of a mate from commer- 
 cial considerations, and as each held out satisfactory 
 inducements, he of the coal-bin was married to her 
 of the lager-bier barrel in three days after the intro- 
 duction. On that memorable occasion, Mr. Alt- 
 kopf washed all the coal-dust off his face and hands, 
 and donned a, clean shirt and linen bosom for the 
 first time since his marriage to the mammoth infi- 
 del. 
 
 Mr. Altkopf speedily disposed of his small 
 interest in the coal-yard, and devoted his talents 
 exclusively to the elimination of lager-bier a call- 
 ing much better suited to his taste. 
 
 As this is the only marriage ever brought about by 
 the agency of Mrs. Frost, it is to be regretted that 
 
48 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 it was not more fruitful of mutual happiness, and 
 that its denouement should have been so sudden and 
 tragic. 
 
 Late one evening, about two weeks after his wed- 
 ding, the ponderous Mr. Altkopf sat in the bar- 
 room. The lights were dim and his customers had 
 departed one by one, until he was alone, surrounded 
 by kegs of lager-bier and a dense cloud of smoke. 
 He was meditating the profits of the day, when 
 suddenly he detected low conversation in the ad- 
 joining apartment of his wife. Being naturally in- 
 terested, he. listened, and clearly distinguished a 
 man's mingling with the harsher voice of his new 
 spouse. 
 
 Although Mr. Altkopf was not of a jealous dis- 
 position, he at once suspected there -was something 
 wrong. 
 
 "Some cloud, portentous of impending storms, 
 Freighted with hot and blasting thunderbolts, 
 Seemed gathering overhead." 
 
 He placed his ear to the key-hole of his wife's 
 room, and heard her say : 
 
 " I thought you not come pack you say you not 
 come pack so I marry him !" 
 
 "Herr Gott! sacrament!" exclaimed Mr. Alt- 
 
AN AWFUL BOW. 49 
 
 kopf, breaking out with his habitual oath, and 
 bracing his back against the door, where, dropping 
 his head upon his breast, he studied the meaning 
 of the words. 
 
 His exclamation was heard inside, however, and 
 as he stood in the contemplative mood, with his full 
 weight against the door, it suddenly opened, and 
 he measured his gigantic body upon the floor ; and 
 before he had time to collect his scattered senses, 
 and rise to his feet, the owner of the strange voice was 
 upon him, armed with a hickory stick, which he 
 applied to the prostrate body of his foe with some- 
 thing of that unction which inspired Samson, when 
 with such an inadequate weapon he whacked so 
 many of the Philistines. 
 
 " Wer ist da ! Ich bin der mann of the house ! 
 Gott im Himmel ! Stop tief ! Police ! watch ! 
 murter!" were some of the exclamations of the 
 belabored Goth, as he writhed in fruitless attempts 
 to rise and grapple with his unknown antagonist. 
 He called upon the loving bride, whom two weeks 
 before he had led to the altar, to assist him, but 
 she told the stranger to "preak his head mit 
 the stick," which injunction the stranger faithfully 
 followed. 
 
 Mr. Altkopf concluded that he must either him- 
 3 
 
50 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 self defend his inalienable right to life, liberty and 
 the pursuit of happiness, or be smashed to coal- 
 dust ; and inspired by the valor of despair, he suc- 
 ceeded in gaming his feet, and manfully showed 
 the assailant his face, of which 
 
 " the broad circumference 
 
 Stands on his shoulders like the moon, whose orb 
 Through optic glass the Tuscan artist views." 
 
 If the valorous deeds which Mr. Altkopf then 
 performed were worthy of Hector, unfortunately 
 for him, those of his antagonist were worthy of 
 Achilles ; and although he fought and swore both 
 in English and German, he was completely over- 
 powered in considerably less than thirty seconds, 
 alike in the contractile and expansive exercise of 
 his muscles and in the volubility of his unmitigated 
 Deutsch. 
 
 What the final result of this battle would have 
 been, had not a metropolitan policeman rapped upon 
 the door, it is impossible to foresee. 
 
 " Halloo !" shouted he of the blue coat and brass 
 
 \ 
 
 buttons ; " I say, what's all that noise ? Keep still, 
 or I'll take you all to the station-house I" 
 
 These timely words put a sudden 7 end to hos-- 
 tilities, and an explanation followed. From that 
 
A SATISFACTORY STATEMENT. 51 
 
 momentous explanation tlie astounded Goth learned 
 that the "widow" was of the "grass" species; 
 that she had quarrelled with her husband, who left, 
 swearing by King Gambrinus that he would never 
 come back; but, after wandering a few weeks, 
 reconsidered his rash resolution, and now returned 
 to take possession of his wife and lager-bier shop ; 
 and much to the chagrin of the Goth, was wel- 
 comed by the wife. 
 
 A record of the negotiations and battles which 
 resulted from this state of things, would be as volu- 
 minous as the testimony in the Parish will case. 
 The result was that husband No. 1 paid husband 
 No. 2 a dollar and twenty-five cents a day for his 
 services as bar-tender during the time he held that 
 distinguished office, and he resumed his' coal cart, 
 which he still drives. The mammoth infidel is still 
 the pig." 
 
CHATTEK VI. 
 
 The Exit of Mrs. Frost ; with an Afterpiece, in which a Mexican 
 Heiress appears, and there is an Unlucky Recognition Henry 
 William Herbert's Marriage A Watchful Mother, etc. 
 
 IT becomes our painful duty to record the disap- 
 pearance of the lively little broker, whose achieve- 
 ments have been recorded in the four preceding 
 chapters. 
 
 Some months after the memorable wedding of 
 Mr. Altkopf, and the disastrous termination of his 
 brief matrimonial career, Mr. John Benedict, a 
 young man who was living here for the sake of 
 living here, resolved to visit the matrimonial office 
 of Mrs. Frost ; and having rung the bell of that 
 establishment, was met at the door by a woman 
 with black clothes and an audacious face, who in- 
 formed him that Mrs. Frost had suddenly and mys- 
 teriously disappeared, without the slightest intima- 
 tion of her destination. 
 
 " I rented this house," said the bold-faced 
 woman, " and bought out the matrimonial business. 
 
 52 
 
PLANS OF AN OLD SINNER. 53 
 
 She told me great stones about making money out 
 of it, and promised to tell me all about her custom- 
 ers and the system of management. But she went 
 off with her furniture, saying she would come back 
 the next day and tell me all about it ; and that is 
 the last I have seen or heard of her. It's real mean 
 of her ; for I shouldn't a-rented the place if she 
 hadn't promised to tell me all about things. Don't 
 you think it's mean ? What am I to do ?" 
 
 Mr. Benedict expressed the opinion, that Mrs. 
 Frost had treated her successor very shabbily, and 
 acknowledged himself unable, on so short an ac- 
 quaintance with the case, to advise the sufferer 
 what course to pursue. 
 
 The woman invited him to look at. her house, 
 which invitation he accepted. "When they were on 
 the hall of the second floor, the door of one of the 
 rooms stood open, and a young woman was before 
 the mirror adjusting her hair, and Mr. Benedict 
 was informed that this young woman was the land- 
 lady's daughter. Gradually the sinner unfolded 
 her plans to her visitor ; and before Mr. Benedict 
 went away, he was convinced that his reputation 
 or self-respect would not be improved by a second 
 visit. 
 
 A few weeks after this adventure, Mr. Benedict 
 
54 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 observed an advertisement in a morning paper, 
 announcing that the advertiser would introduce 
 gentlemen " to any number of ladies," with a view 
 to matrimony, for one dollar. All persons desiring 
 her services, could obtain her address by inquiring 
 
 for Mrs. "W , at the Broadway Post-office. The 
 
 same day on which this announcement appeared, 
 Mr. Benedict went to the office specified, and in- 
 quired according to direction. He received a white 
 envelope, neatly directed, and upon opening it, 
 found that the matrimonial establishment was situ- 
 ated in the vicinity of the Crystal Palace. 
 
 Thither the adventurous Benedict bent his steps, 
 and was met at the door by a little girl who exhibit- 
 ed unusual intelligence, but had the look of a half- 
 starved and much-abused child. She invited him 
 to the parlor, and said Mrs. "W". would be down 
 directly. 
 
 Mrs. "W. promptly appeared. She was a tall 
 woman, with neuralgic pains in her face, and a 
 heavy handkerchief around it, although the day 
 was excessively warm. 
 
 "How did you find me?" was her first ques- 
 tion. 
 
 Mr. Benedict explained the process, and asked her 
 if she would introduce him. 
 
A^ SPLENDID YOUNG WOMAN. 55 
 
 " I will introduce you to a young lady," she 
 answered, " whom you cannot help falling in love 
 with, unless you are a more indifferent person than 
 I think you are. Do you want a rich wife ?" 
 
 " I am not particular about that." 
 
 " Then you have means ?" 
 
 " I have some means." 
 
 The broker's interest was manifestly increased by 
 this announcement, and she forthwith began to 
 praise the young lady in question. " She has black 
 eyes, long black hair, a clear, beautiful complexion, 
 is neither too large nor too small, has a sweet 
 mouth, and faultless nose and chin, and while she 
 is more intelligent than most girls of her age, she 
 has none of their foolish extravagances." 
 
 " How old is she 2" 
 
 " She is not quite seventeen. Some prefer a wife 
 who don't know all about the nonsense of the city, 
 but are sensible aiid^omestic." 
 
 "That is my idea." 
 
 "Is it? Then you will be suited, I am sure. 
 This girl's mother has been very particular kept 
 a very strict watch over her; hasn't allowed her 
 even to go to theatres ; scarcely permitted her to 
 go out of her sight alone. The consequence is, the 
 girl is quite unsophisticated." 
 
56 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 kC Does lier mother know that she is a candidate 
 for matrimony ?" 
 
 " Oh, yes. It is her mother's doings. The truth 
 is they are rather poor that is, not rich, but well 
 enough off. The mother has brothers living in 
 Mexico, and they are anxious she and the daughter 
 shall go and live with them. In that case she will 
 become heiress of a great estate. But it seems like 
 taking her out of civilized life ; and the mother, 
 although she is determined to go to Mexico herself, 
 is willing to leave the daughter, provided she can 
 find her a suitable husband." 
 
 " So the mother has determined to go to Mexi 
 
 CO?" 
 
 " Yes ; she will go in about six weeks. In fact, 
 they are both getting ready for the journey; and, 
 unless the daughter marries soon, they will go to- 
 gether. If there should be a strong probability of 
 a favorable alliance for the young lady, I suppose 
 the mother would postpone the journey." 
 
 " I understand you to say you are willing to 
 introduce me to her?" 
 
 "Yes, if you bring good references, and the 
 references upon examination prove your represent- 
 ations to be true. As I said before, the mother is 
 very particular, and will not allow any one to 
 
NO REFERENCES NEEDED. 57 
 
 bestow the slightest attentions upon her daughter, 
 until perfectly satisfied that his motives are honor- 
 able, and that he is every way worthy." 
 
 Mr. Benedict expressed a desire to see the young 
 woman, but feared he would not be able to furnish 
 references, since he was almost a stranger in the 
 city. He could get an abundance of the best by 
 sending home, but that would consume too much 
 time ; and before his character was established, 
 mother and daughter might be on their way to 
 Mexico. However, he would see if he could find 
 some one that he knew at the hotels, and would 
 call next afternoon. 
 
 When Mr. Benedict called next day, according 
 to agreement, with some names in his pocket, 
 which he had determined to give as references, the 
 matrimonial broker graciously informed him she 
 had seen the mother, and that in consideration of 
 Mr. Benedict's gentlemanly appearance and modest 
 demeanor, which she had described to her, the 
 mother had concluded, under the circumstances, to 
 depart somewhat from her ordinary rigidity, and 
 permit an introduction. If it was mutually agree- 
 able, the acquaintance could be cultivated, and 
 meantime he could supply the proper recom- 
 mendations. She further informed him that the 
 
 3* 
 
58 MATRIMONIAL BKOKEKAGE. 
 
 mother would jiot permit an introduction with- 
 out accompanying the daughter, and that the 
 two would be at her house at six o'clock that after- 
 noon. 
 
 True to their appointment, the two arrived, and 
 the broker led in the young candidate and intro- 
 duced her. The broker then withdrew, and Mr. 
 Benedict found himself alone with the young lady 
 whose charms had been described as irresistible. 
 His first conclusion was that she was not less than 
 twenty-two years old ; his second, that her childish 
 simplicity was all assumed ; and his third, that 
 though she had rather a pretty face and good form, 
 she was far from being beautiful ; and, finally, that 
 the vigorous application of a tooth-brush would 
 greatly improve the mouth which the broker had 
 called sweet. 
 
 " Were you ever in a matrimonial office before ?" 
 asked Benedict. 
 
 " Goody gracious, no !" she replied ; " were 
 you?" 
 
 " I have read advertisements of other offices, I 
 believe," was Benedict's evasive answer. " I think 
 Mrs. Frost had one in Fourth street, and that Mr 
 "Robinson kept one in Broadway." 
 
 "Yes," said the young innocent, "I have heard 
 
HERBERT'S MARRIAGE. 59 
 
 so. I believe they were connected ; but I don't 
 know." 
 
 " Did you ever hear of any one marrying at 
 these offices?" 
 
 " Yes ; I believe the man who committed sui- 
 cide what was his name Herbert, wasn't it ?" 
 
 " Henry William Herbert, or Frank Forrester," 
 suggested Benedict. 
 
 " Yes, that was the name. I have- heard that he 
 got acquainted with his wife at a matrimonial 
 office." 
 
 "Indeed! I have read a different story. I 
 think he said he defended her against ruffians in 
 the street, and accompanied her home, and made 
 her acquaintance by that means." 
 
 " Oh, no ; he met her at a matrimonial office." 
 
 Benedict and the young lady talked of every- 
 thing in general and nothing in particular the 
 latter professing entire ignorance of the world for 
 an hour or more, when the broker came and called 
 her out. Soon after, Benedict heard voices in low 
 and earnest conversation in the adjoining apart- 
 ment ; and then the broker reentered, assured him 
 that the girl was delighted with him, and announced 
 that the mother desired an interview. " If she is 
 pleased with you as well as the girl is," added 
 
60 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 the woman, " I presume she will invite you to call 
 at their house." 
 
 Benedict declared his readiness to bear the scru- 
 tinizing gaze of the mother, and in a moment the 
 broker led her in. 
 
 It was now twilight, and ordinary features were 
 not discernible in the room; but the moment his 
 eye rested upon the "particular" mother, he recog- 
 nized her. The huge frame, the black clothes, the 
 high forehead and bold face, were again before 
 him ; there was no mistaking them. She was the 
 woman whom he met when he called for Mrs. 
 Frost ; and the daughter, he now remembered, was 
 the same individual who stood before the glass ad- 
 justing her hair, when he looked through the door 
 on the second hall of that disreputable house. 
 
 The woman, however, did not recognize him. 
 She expressed herself pleased with his appearance, 
 and invited him to call at her house. He made no 
 direct answer, and bidding the mother, daughter 
 and broker a respectful good-night, left them alone 
 in their glory, without giving them any intimation 
 of his knowledge, which was quite fatal to any 
 little schemes they may have planned concerning 
 him. 
 
OHAPTEE VII. 
 
 A Gentleman from the Rural Districts in a Matrimonial Office 
 His Adventures with an Actress How and Why she Fainted in 
 His Arms A Retreat. 
 
 IN the fall of 1857, a young country merchant, not 
 altogether ignorant of the ways of the city, and by 
 no means averse to adventures, came here to get 
 his semi-annual supply of dry goods. Having 
 made his purchases, and being in no especial haste 
 to return, he determined to visit a matrimonial 
 office, the advertisement of which he had seen, and 
 which struck him as exceedingly curious. 
 
 He repaired to the place indicated in the paper, 
 paid the usual fee of five dollars, and made the fol- 
 lowing entry : 
 
 "John Quincy Jenkins, a dry goods merchant, of Memphis, 
 Tennessee, 28 years of age, 5 feet 9 inches high, black eyes and 
 hair, and domestic tastes, desires to form the acquaintance of a 
 lady, 22 to 25 years of age, with a view to matrimony. She must 
 be of affectionate disposition, accomplished, intelligent and hand- 
 some. None others need apply. Money is no object, the adver- 
 tiser having a lucrative business." 
 
62 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 The merchant was assured by the broker that she 
 had just such a person upon her list at that moment ; 
 and that if he would call at five o'clock that after- 
 noon, he should see her. 
 
 The adventurous Jenkins, being of a somewhat 
 suspicious disposition, feared foul play ; and, when 
 the appointed hour had arrived, went to the matri- 
 monial office with a six shooter, well loaded, in his 
 pocket, more than half expecting to defend himself 
 against robbers and assassins. 
 
 But the enemy he encountered was not of this 
 kind. He was introduced to a young woman with 
 black eyes and hair, pearly teeth, delicate hands, 
 fine form, and intelligent and rather handsome 
 face. Her dress was appropriate, and her manner 
 modest. 
 
 Be it known that the adventurous Jenkins had 
 anticipated nothing of the sort. He had supposed 
 that if the landlady introduced him at all, which 
 he considered doubtful, it would be to some frightful 
 hag, who would drive him from the house in dis- 
 gust. He was, therefore, a good deal taken aback, 
 and though a man of sufficient brass, much embar- 
 rassed. 
 
 He rallied, however, and was soon chatting with 
 the fair stranger as with an old acquaintance. 
 
A CHARMING BLUSH. 63 
 
 Her wit and intelligence surprised and pleased him. 
 He had no more idea of marrying than Brigham 
 Young has of living single, and began to wish, 
 from the bottom of his heart, that he was out of 
 the aifair. 
 
 The twain talked on until Jenkins became aware 
 that he was expected to broach the main subject 
 but how to do it was a problem. He resolved, 
 however, to tell her frankly that he was there mere- 
 ly from curiosity. He opened in this way : 
 
 " Mrs. (naming the broker), keeps a matri- 
 monial office, it seems. It is a novel idea, and her 
 advertisement made me very curious." 
 
 The unknown beauty blushed charmingly. The 
 glow which overspread her features was, indeed, " a 
 hit." But it lasted only a moment. She replied, 
 " Yes ; I see no harm in it. I would not have my 
 uncle know I am here for anything in the world ; he 
 could never understand it. I have plenty of ac- 
 quaintances, but little sympathy. I am well aware 
 what the conventionalities of the world require ; I 
 am also- aware that a woman's happiness is often 
 sacrificed to them. I have resolved to this extent 
 to break through them, and never to marry until I 
 love." 
 
 "Love, surely," replied the half-captivated and 
 
64: MATKIMONIAL EKOKEKAGE. 
 
 philosophic Jenkins, "is the essential element ol 
 happiness, and I fancy that marriage without it 
 would be an intolerable burden." 
 
 "I came here," responded mademoiselle, "not 
 because I am ignorant of what belongs to a modest 
 woman, but because I believe there is nothing 
 wrong or immodest in doing so ; and thinking that 
 1 might meet with what has thus far in life been 
 denied me the sympathy and friendship of some 
 one who understands me." 
 
 " And I came here," vigorously responded Jen- 
 kins, perceiving a good chance to say what he 
 wanted to, " I came here simply from curiosity. 
 It is always best to be frank and truthful ; I 
 have no intention of marr^ ing, but seeing so novel 
 an advertisement in the paper, I wished to know its 
 meaning." 
 
 Jenkins is of opinion that when he uttered this 
 speech, a careful observer might have seen the 
 slightest shade of disappointment becloud the fea- 
 tures of the fair stranger; but if so, it passed quickly. 
 
 After a few minutes' conversation, Jenkins arose 
 to depart. He expressed gratification at having seen 
 her, and said that as he had a few days to spend in 
 the city, he would, if he might presume to do so, 
 beg the honor of calling upon her. 
 
JENKINS IS MOVED. 65 
 
 " Tell me, sir," replied the enchanting damsel ; 
 "tell me if you can respect me just as much as 
 though you had met me at Saratoga or Newport, 
 and sought an introduction ?" 
 
 "It matters little where we find a jewel we 
 prize," was the gallant reply of the gallant Jen- 
 kins. 
 
 " If by that you mean to answer me in the affirm- 
 ative," was the reply, " I shall be happy to have you 
 call upon me to-morrow evening at my uncle's, No. 
 14th street. 
 
 Jenkins went away, looking, like Ferdinand, 
 
 " in a moved sort, 
 
 As if he were dismayed." 
 
 His soliloquy was something after this fashion : 
 " I was' a fool for going there ! If the girl is 
 honest, and has taken a fancy to me, she will be 
 disappointed. She seems honest and modest, 
 though I don't understand how a really modest 
 woman could go to such a place ; still she might, 
 perhaps. I did as much as tell her I thought it 
 was not immodest when I asked to call upon her. 
 I don't think I ought to have done so ; I am surest 
 was wrong. I won't go that's the cheapest way to 
 get out of it. Yes, I will go !" 
 
66 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 Jenkins was swayed by conflicting emotions for 
 something more than twenty-four hours sometimes 
 firmly resolving not to call, and again as deter- 
 mined to go. Finally, when the time came, he 
 started without hesitation. 
 
 He found Delia (so she called herself) in a very 
 respectable house, richly furnished. He was intro- 
 duced to the " uncle " as an old acquaintance whom 
 she had met at a watering place. The evening 
 passed very pleasantly so pleasantly, indeed, that 
 Jenkins, without thinking precisely what he was 
 about, promised to call again, which he did two 
 evenings later. 
 
 This time he found Delia alone, and after 
 another very pleasant chat, arose to take his leave, 
 remarking that he should remain in town but 
 three days longer, and asked if he might call 
 again. 
 
 He now observed that his new friend appeared 
 much embarrassed. She did not answer directly, 
 and Jenkins walked to the door. She followed 
 with hesitating steps, but finally seized him fran 
 tically by the hand, and drawing him back, stam- 
 mered rather than spoke as follows : 
 
 " You sir you ask if you shall call again. It 
 will give me pleasure to have you do so that is 
 
JENKINS IS BESIEGED. 67 
 
 sir I have something to say. You will ex- 
 cuse me but I know you are generous and can 
 appreciate my position" (a profound sigh, and 
 Delia, staggering to the piano, placed her head in 
 her hands and wept.) 
 
 " Madam," said Jenkins, " I trust I can appre- 
 ciate what you wish to say ; and if I can be of ser- 
 vice to you in any way, you have only to show me 
 how." She restrained her tears, and proceeded : 
 
 " I will be frank with you, sir that is (sighs 
 and tears) I will try to tell you will you forgive 
 me if it is wrong ?" 
 
 " Certainly it cannot be wrong," Jenkins an- 
 swered, considerably excited by the unexpected 
 scene. " Tell me frankly ; I assure you it will give 
 me pleasure to serve you." 
 
 "Yes but oh dear! (another fit of weeping) 
 but it is so strange !" 
 
 " What is it, Delia ?" said Jenkins, for the first 
 time calling her by her Christian name. 
 
 " You will be as frank as I am, will you not ?" 
 
 "Yes." , 
 
 "Well, then whether you come again or not 
 depends upon yourself." 
 
 " Then I shall certainly come." 
 
 " I fear not." 
 
68 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 " Pray explain." (Sighs and tears.) 
 
 Be calm." 
 
 " Well, then, I will try to be calm enough. I 
 like you very much, and feel towards you 
 as I never did towards another. I that is I am 
 sure I shall, if you continue to come here love 
 you. If you do not feel so towards me, I must ask 
 you not to come again." 
 
 This last speech was interlarded with an infinite 
 number of sighs, and appearances of fainting ; and 
 no sooner was it concluded than she fell fainting 
 towards the bewildered Jenkins. Of course there 
 was no alternative, and he caught her in his arms, 
 and made various frantic attempts to restore her ; 
 and as he thus performed his kindly offices, in came 
 the uncle, of a sudden, followed by a young man 
 whom Jenkins had not before seen. 
 
 Those who have read the adventures of the re- 
 nowned Mr. Pickwick, will never forget the memor- 
 able occasion on which his friends entered his lodg- 
 ings, and found Mrs. Bardell fainting and screaming 
 in his arms ; and they have only to revert to that 
 picture to have an exact portrait of the case of Mr. 
 Jenkins. The uncle summoned the servant girl, 
 who, for some unaccountable reason, was very near 
 at hand ; she came rushing to the spot, and she, 
 
JENKINS IN A FIX. 69 
 
 too, saw Delia in the arms of the petrified Jen- 
 kins. 
 
 In due time their united efforts restored her, and 
 the uncle demanded of her an explanation. But 
 she could not or would, not make any, and he, of 
 course, turned upon Jenkins. The adventurous 
 merchant told him that his niece was seized with a 
 fainting fit as he stood by the door about to depart, 
 and that he, of course, 'caught her to prevent her 
 falling at the moment he came in. The uncle, how- 
 ever, seemed dissatisfied and suspicious. Jenkins 
 told him his niece would explain all when suffi- 
 ciently restored, and bade him good night. 
 
 It chanced that Mr. Jenkins had an intimate 
 acquaintance living at the hotel where he stopped ; 
 and as he rushed out of the house in a condition 
 bordering on frenzy, he encountered this identical 
 friend. It was a moonlight evening, and the law- 
 yer instantly recognized him as he descended to the 
 street. As he did so, he very deliberately walked 
 up the steps and examined the number, more care- 
 fully than Mr. Farrell did 31 Bond street, on that 
 memorable occasion when he sat down to tie a 
 shoe-string, and returning to the walk, said to 
 Jenkins : 
 
 " What the d 1 has brought you here T 
 
TO MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 " I don't know ! fate, I suppose or being a 
 cursed fool I" was the excited reply. 
 
 The lawyer took Jenkins's arm, and demanded 
 a confidential communication. He, with some 
 hesitation, gave a history of the case from first to 
 last. 
 
 " You gave a fictitious name and residence ?" in- 
 quired the lawyer eagerly, when Jenkins had 
 finished. 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " And did you tell the fair enchantress where you 
 were stopping ?" 
 
 " No. I told her I was at the Metropolitan." 
 
 " Lucky ! lucky !" said he. 
 
 " Why lucky 2" 
 
 " Let me tell you. I know a thing or two of that 
 precious uncle and his virtuous niece. Did she 
 faint well ?" said he, laughing. 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "Admirably, I will wager. She sighed well, 
 blushed well, wept well, fainted well ?" 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 " Of course she did. She was once an actress. 
 She might have been a good one a famous one, I 
 think but that she had so many lovers and amours. 
 She ran off with a southern actor, lived with him a 
 
BREACH OF PROMISE. 71 
 
 year or so, went to a watering-place, met the man 
 of the house there, ran away from the actor with 
 him, and called him her uncle. He is as much her 
 uncle as I am no more." 
 
 Well ?" 
 
 " Well; there are a great many things done in 
 New York which don't square with the golden rule 
 lawyers know that. You know something of us 
 here, but you know little of the wicked ways of this 
 wicked city. The house you have just left is a trap, 
 and but for your precaution in concealing your 
 name and hotel, you would have been caught. You 
 would have been as it is, probably, had I not found 
 this out ; for they would search every hotel in the 
 city, but they would find you. 
 
 " Your safety is in flight. You must retreat in 
 the morning,' or my word for it you will be sued for 
 a breach of promise of marriage in less than three 
 days. That scene was all arranged. They will 
 make out a case against you. In the first place, 
 there is the matrimonial office; the keeper will 
 swear to the facts of the acquaintance. It was 
 formed avowedly in view of matrimony; there is 
 your writing in the register all of which shows 
 the animus. In the second place, the repeated 
 calls. They can prove two and insinuate more. 
 
72 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 The matrimonial agent will not remember the date 
 of jour entrj on her books the people will not 
 remember the date of your first visit. They will 
 say it might have ~been four weeks that you were in 
 the habit of calling, though they cannot swear posi- 
 tively. In the third place, there were three eye- 
 witnesses of the fainting scene, besides the girl her- 
 self; and I have no doubt the young man is a lond 
 fide witness, invited there without any knowledge 
 of the conspiracy. Could a lawyer ask a better 
 case with which to go before a jury ?" 
 
 " But are you sure there is a conspiracy ?" 
 " I know it ; that is, I am morally certain of it." 
 " But she must have known the advances she 
 made would disgust me, if I had entertained an 
 idea of marrying her." 
 
 " Exactly so. She meant to disgust you. She of 
 course had no more idea of marrying you than she 
 has of marrying me. A breach of promise case 
 was what she was after, nothing else." 
 
 "Have they served up any such cases before?" 
 " Yes. I have seen the papers for four similar 
 cases, and rather than suffer the exposure, trouble 
 and expense, the parties settled. One man gave 
 $1,000, another $1,500, another $3,000, and another 
 $4,000; which, I have no doubt, was divided up 
 
JENKINS TAKES LEG BAIL. 73 
 
 between the girl, the uncle, the servant girl, and 
 perhaps the matrimonial office." 
 
 " And the lawyer," Jenkins suggested. 
 
 " Well, the lawyer had his fee, of course, but I 
 do not know as he was pa/rticeps criminis" 
 
 Jenkins did not argue the morality of the law- 
 yer's part, but requested him to let him know if 
 anything occurred, which he promised to do. 
 " The next morning John Quincy Jenkins left for 
 his home in the rural districts, two or three days 
 sooner than he intended. In less than a week he 
 received a letter from his legal friend, in which he 
 was informed that the next day after his last visit 
 to Delia, a lawyer was applied to, as he expected, 
 to make out a case and commence proceedings 
 against John Quincy Jenkins, for breach of pro- 
 mise of marriage, unless it was settled. At the 
 uncle's suggestion, the lawyer went with him to the 
 Metropolitan Hotel, to find Mr. Jenkins, and see if 
 he would not compromise ; not finding that worthy 
 gentleman, the old man instituted a search in all 
 the prominent hotels, and finding no such name on 
 the books, concluded that Mr. Jenkins was a myth, 
 and consigned the individual who bore that name 
 to curses and to history. 
 
 4 
 
CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 The Matrimonial and Patent Medicine Agency of Madame Lebon 
 How she " shows the Future Husband or Wife, and makes all 
 Happy" A Novel Manifestation of a " Clairvoyant "A Flame 
 with the Mercury at 90. 
 
 THE matrimonial agency of Madame Lebon, 175 
 Hudson street, though not of the most comprehen- 
 sive, is of the most important character. 
 
 Is there a young man or woman in the metropolis 
 or out of it, who would not give a fair proportion 
 of his fortune to have the exact features of the 
 being whom fate has decreed to bear half the bur- 
 dens of life, presented in a box, where he could 
 contemplate them at leisure? Is there a man or 
 woman who would dislike to be happy ? 
 
 If such exist, they had better not visit Madame 
 Lebon ; for, if we can believe her advertisements, 
 she shows the future husband or wife, according 
 to the gender of the applicant, and fixes the happi- 
 ness of a pair so securely that a million earthquakes 
 cannot budge it a hair's breadth. 
 
 The woman who possesses these miraculous 
 
 T4 
 
FAT, BUT SPRIGHTLY. 75 
 
 powers describes herself as an "accomplished 
 clairvoyant." She has a sprightly, business-like 
 way, remarkable in one of her shape, since the 
 latitudinal and longitudinal extension of her visi- 
 ble frame are of nearly equal measurement. She 
 lives in a decently-furnished house, also, in which 
 she has the advantage of most women who unfold 
 the mysteries of the future. 
 
 A friend of ours who has witnessed the wonder- 
 ful exhibition which she readily displays on pay- 
 ment of a fee, has given us not only a faithful 
 description of what was done, but also of the man- 
 ner in which it was done. His communication is 
 nearly in the following language : 
 
 "When I called upon Madame Lebon, as good 
 fortune would have it, no other customer was in, 
 and I was admitted to an immediate audience with 
 that mysterious personage. I inquired as to the 
 nature of her miracles, and she replied that she 
 would examine my head, give my peculiarities of 
 temperament and disposition, tell me the diseases 
 to which I was liable, prescribe the remedy, answer 
 all questions relative to absent friends, show me the 
 woman I am destined to marry, and make the 
 union a happy one, and all for - ^ :^ 
 
 must be paid in advance. 
 
76 MATBIMONIAL BKOKEKAGE. 
 
 " I told her to proceed, and she placed before me, 
 on the table, a round piece of brass, about five 
 inches long and an inch in diameter, which ap- 
 peared to be solid, and told me to put my hand on 
 it. She then inquired my age, and proceeded with 
 what she called an astrological calculation, rapidly 
 writing a number of unmeaning characters upon a 
 piece of paper. 
 
 " c You were born,' she proceeded to say in a 
 very rapid manner, ' under a night planet, between 
 Jupiter and Mars nearer Mars. You have seen 
 trouble under that planet, and will see more ; but 
 a change is before you, and you will see better 
 days. You will change your business the change 
 will be beneficial you will be better pleased than 
 in your present position. Do you dream a good 
 deal?' 
 
 " ' I dream occasionally.' 
 
 " < Oh, yes ; now you see I tell you the truth. 
 You dream. All persons who are /born under a 
 night planet dream; so you see you were born 
 under a night planet as I told you.' 
 
 " As Madame Lebon styles herself a clairvoyant, 
 and as she seemed to be in a normal condition, and 
 chatted about a variety of things with great ver- 
 bosity, I called her attention to this point, by saying : 
 
LEBON IN A CLAIRVOYANT STATE. 77 
 
 " ( I see, madame, by your advertisement, that 
 you are a clairvoyant ?' 
 
 " * Yes, I am a clairvoyant.' 
 
 " c Are you now in a clairvoyant state ?' 
 
 " { Yes ; I am in the clairvoyant state. I am not 
 in a trance state, however. I am a clairvoyant of 
 a peculiar kind.' 
 
 " c I should think so. I had supposed that a 
 clairvoyant found it necessary at least to concen- 
 trate the mind upon the subject under considera- 
 tion; but I observe that you talk on different 
 subjects as freely as though you were in a natural 
 state.' 
 
 " c Yes ; that is the peculiarity of my clairvoyant 
 powers.' 
 
 " She proceeded with a phrenological examina- 
 tion, which lasted about a minute ; said something 
 about sickness among my distant friends, and made 
 a number of vague, general remarks, perfectly non- 
 committal in their character, all of which were 
 thickly interlarded with talk of business, phreno- 
 logy, patent medicines, etc. 
 
 " ( We are doing a great deal of business 
 crowded with customers wonderful things con- 
 stantly done here times hard, however charge 
 only fifty cents yon are nervous temperament 
 
78 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 you want a wife of a good disposition, who will not 
 go romping about, but stay at home and mind the 
 family, and not be extravagant now isn't that 
 true ? You are sometimes bilious we have an ex- 
 cellent medicine at fifty cents a bottle. -You are 
 inclined to liver complaint ; it is only in the bud 
 now, but will blossom out soon if you don't cure it. 
 A bottle of our medicine would cure you ; and it is 
 particularly necessary in hot weather. People are 
 to blame who will not buy it when it is so cheap. 
 Every person's blood needs cleansing your blood 
 is bad, and will soon be worse if it is not attended 
 to there is nothing in the world like our medicine 
 to purify the blood and only fifty cents a bottle. 
 You are not over fond of children would like a 
 family, but not too many children if you don't 
 want a bottle of the medicine, however, I won't 
 urge you. "We do not make it for money, but for 
 the good of mankind have effected great cures 
 miraculous cures cases all the doctors had given 
 up. We seek to do good and cure people, and not 
 to get their money, as you see ; for we only charge 
 fifty cents. Is there any question you wish to ask 
 about friends or business ?' 
 
 " c I see you advertise to show the future wife, 
 and to make all happy. I came especially to 
 
FUTURE WIFE DESCRIBED. 79 
 
 see the person I am to marry, and to be made 
 happy.' 
 
 " i Oh, yes, I will show you your future wife. 
 Place your hand upon this (again pointing to the 
 mysterious piece of brass). You know a dark- 
 haired girl with dark eyes. She parts her hair in 
 the middle ! She is quite fond of you you like 
 her. She will make you a good wife. Do you not 
 believe it ?' 
 
 " As madame made these remarks, she cast a 
 searching look into my face, to see if there were 
 any signs of pleasure or surprise ; but failing to 
 discover any, she proceeded in her usual rapid 
 manner : 
 
 " ' But I perceive, also, that there is a light- 
 haired girl who is fond of you. She parts her hair 
 in the middle ! She now has on a black dress ; she 
 does not always wear a black dress ; but she has 
 one on now. She will make you a good wife.' 
 
 " Madame cast another searching glance, but 
 again failing to detect any expression of feeling, she 
 asked : 
 
 " ' Do you not kmyw a light-haired girl ?' 
 
 " I have seen one.' 
 
 " ' Yes ; I thought so I mean I know you have, 
 and you can marry her, and she will make you a 
 
80 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 good wife. Her disposition is well adapted to you. 
 Now would you like to see your future wife ?' 
 
 " < Yes ; certainly.' 
 
 " < Well, then, step into the parlor a moment, 
 while I raise her. Will you see the dark-haired 
 one or the light-haired one ? (Without waiting for 
 an answer.) The light-haired one ? Yes, of course ; 
 you shall see her.' 
 
 " { Let me understand, if you please. Am I to 
 see the real woman herself, or her daguerreotype, 
 or spirit ?' 
 
 " ' You are to see the wife that is, I raise her.' 
 
 " { Do you mean that she will actually stand be- 
 fore me in flesh and blood, with hair parted in the 
 middle, and the black dress on, so that I can shake 
 her hand, and converse with her ?' 
 
 " * No, no ! You will see her, and that is 
 enough. That is what I promise to do, and that 1 
 do. Please step into the parlor.' 
 
 " I waited in the parlor a few minutes, until the 
 man in attendance informed me that all was ready. 
 I then returned to the presence of Madame Lebon, 
 and found a bright flame blazing upon the hearth, 
 notwithstanding the weather was excessively hot. 
 
 " ' Have you raised her ?' I asked. 
 
 < Yes.' 
 
Madame Lebon shows the Future Wife. PAGE 81. 
 
QUESTIONING THE MYSTERIES. 81 
 
 " < Where is she V 
 
 " ' You shall see.' 
 
 " < What has the fire to do w^h it ?' 
 
 " ' That is one of the mysteries of my art, which 
 I must not reveal.' 
 
 " c Does the spirit who presides over these in- 
 cantations demand a flame, with the mercury at 
 ninety ?' 
 
 " ' You need not question the mysteries. These 
 things are beyond your power to know.' 
 
 " c Do you always have a fire when you " raise " 
 t ic future wife or husband ?' 
 
 " ' Yes.' 
 
 " i I judge, then, that the deity of your conjura- 
 tions is fond of fire. Does he reside in a hot cli- 
 mate ?' 
 
 " f Silence, if you please ! Do not question the 
 mysteries you cannot comprehend !' said madame, 
 with an angry and mysterious air. i If you would 
 see your wife that is, the light-haired one step 
 this way to the window.' 
 
 " llaving placed myself at the window, she 
 handed me the same piece of brass, which I now 
 saw was a box, or tube, closed at one end. She 
 pointed with her hand towards the sun, waved it 
 about her head, pointed to the flame, and then said, 
 
 4* 
 
82 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 ' Behold!' 
 
 "I looked into the brass box, and at the bottom 
 saw a miniature daguerreotype of a very pretty 
 woman, with light hair and a black dress. 
 
 " < You know it ?' she said. 
 
 " < Can't say that I do.' 
 
 " c It resembles some one you have seen, or re- 
 calls some cherished ideal of your mind, does it 
 not?' 
 
 " { It looks like the picture of a very pretty 
 woman, and I have seen many pretty women.' 
 
 " c Ah, I thought it was the one. You might as 
 well own it at once. Now is there any question 
 you would like to ask? [Without waiting an 
 answer.] No ? "Well, then, if there is no question, 
 that is all, unless you want a bottle of the medicine. 
 Let me show you. Will you take one ? It will do 
 you good.' 
 
 " { !N"o ; I only came to see my future wife and 
 be made happy. You have shown me the light- 
 haired woman ; now what is it about being 
 happy ?' 
 
 " ' Oh, of course. I have told you the light- 
 haired woman is the one that will make you a good 
 wife, and that she will marry you. I tell who is 
 adapted to people, and show the person whom they 
 
HOW MADAME MAKES ALL HAPPY. 83 
 
 ought to marry, and that is the way I make all 
 happy? " 
 
 As brass is abundant, and daguerreotypes are 
 cheap, a very small sum will set one up in Madame 
 Lebon's business. Only four twenty-five cent pic- 
 tures will be needed a light-haired and dark- 
 haired lady, and a light-haired and dark-haired 
 man, to be slipped into the brass box as occasion 
 requires. The ceremony of the flame might be 
 omitted in warm weather. 
 
CHAPTEE IX. 
 
 " A dear sweet little Opera Singer " A South Carolinian in a 
 Matrimonial Office, and in Love The Broker's Opinion of 
 Northern and Southern Gentlemen A crusty Father forbids the 
 Bans A projected Elopement, and a highly entertaining Denoue- 
 ment. 
 
 LESS than a year ago, a man from South Carolina, 
 giving the name of Julian St. Cloud, called at a 
 matrimonial office in this city, and expressed the 
 opinion that it is not good for man to be alone. 
 The broker was pleased with his appearance, and 
 the formidable roll of bills from which he paid his 
 fee did not lessen her good opinion. 
 
 " The Southern gentleman," said she, " has a code 
 of conduct which is not understood in the North. 
 I can trust him. I know a Southron's word means 
 something., I have lived in the South, and know 
 that the laws of chivalry, courtesy, and honor, 
 characterize the Southern gentleman, while the 
 Northerners, compared with them, are a set of 
 boors. They are a meddlesome gang of speculators, 
 swindlers, and adventurers. You cannot trust 
 
 84 
 
NORTHERNERS PRONOUNCED BOORS. 85 
 
 them can't believe what they say. They lie even 
 when the truth would serve the same purpose. 
 But the word of a real Southern gentleman is all 
 the pledge or security I want." 
 
 Mr. St. Cloud modestly admitted the justice of 
 her remarks, and praised her discrimination. 
 
 " "When a real gentleman, like you, calls upon 
 me," resumed the broker, u I do all I can for him. 
 It is a pleasure ; and even looking at it in a selfish 
 point of view, I never lose anything by it. I have 
 some very fine and highly respectable ladies on my 
 list. Indeed, it has been my constant aim to have 
 no other, and- if there was the slightest suspicious 
 appearance, I have invariably refused to introduce 
 such. In this way I have established a reputation 
 of respectability for my house, so that some of the 
 first ladies in the city come here as candidates for 
 matrimony. Of course, the only way such a repu- 
 tation could be established is by dealing always 
 fairly. I know there have been tricks played at 
 other offices ; but I am determined that there shall 
 never be any cause to complain of me. What kind 
 of a lady do you think would please you ?" 
 
 " As to that," replied the Saint, it is difficult to 
 tell who would please me until I saw her." 
 
 "How would you like to be introduced to 
 
86 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 a beautiful lady who understands music per- 
 fectly?" 
 
 " Other things favorable, I should like it." 
 
 " Well, I have a dear, sweet little opera singer. 
 
 She livjes with her father, a physician, in 
 
 street, has studied under the best masters, and is 
 one of the most accomplished persons, in every re- 
 spect, I ever saw, and is so beautiful and charming 
 I am sure you would fall in love with her." 
 
 " You say she is an opera singer. Does she sing 
 at the Academy ?" 
 
 " No ; her father will not allow her to. He is 
 too proud for that. But she has sung in private 
 circles with great success, and won the applause of 
 the best critics. She wants to go to Havana, and 
 if she can get her father's consent to make the jour- 
 ney, intends to appear under an assumed name, 
 without his knowledge. She is a sweet little 
 woman, and as keen as a brier." 
 
 " Is she wealthy ?" 
 
 " She has money enough that is, her father is 
 rich. She has spent a good deal in educating her- 
 self ; but that is all over now, and she could earn 
 money faster than she has spent it, if her father 
 wpuld consent to her appearance." 
 
 " And she is not engaged ?" 
 
A .SEMI-ITALIAN. 87 
 
 " "No. She has had several good offers, but has 
 refused them all. 
 
 "Why?" 
 
 " Simply because she didn't fall in love. She is 
 a true-hearted, honest girl, and is more anxious to 
 get a husband who can love and appreciate her, 
 than one who is rich. She left here a few minutes 
 since. I wish you could have seen her." 
 
 It was settled that St. Cloud should call the next 
 afternoon, and be introduced, which he did. 
 
 He met a small woman with black hair, sparkling 
 black eyes, and Italian features. Her manners 
 were pleasing and vivacious, and the Saint found 
 no (Jifficulty in getting acquainted. 
 
 Conversation turned upon the opera. " I should 
 judge," he observed, " that you have Italian blood." 
 
 " I have. It comes from my mother, an Italian." 
 
 "It is natural, then, that you should excel us 
 Americans in your devotion to music. Italy, the 
 land of love and of song, has given you her blood ; 
 I doubt not her genius also." 
 
 " Do not flatter me. I am not a genius. I am, 
 however, very fond of singing and music of all 
 kinds. I have spent three years on the continent, 
 and studied under the best Italian masters. It has 
 been an expensive and 'laborious task." 
 
8S MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 " Undoubtedly ; but the accomplishment fully 
 compensates you. I know of nothing which would 
 so much please me as to be a musician. But it is 
 of no use ; I might practise and study until the 
 crack of doom, and be as far from my object as at 
 the beginning."" 
 
 " You are not a musician, then ?" 
 
 " No, indeed, I am not. But that does not pre- 
 vent me from admiring and loving music. If I 
 cannot sing, I can appreciate singing." 
 
 " The next thing to doing it yourself," replied 
 miss. 
 
 " Do you think so ?" 
 
 " I certainly do. It has been said the next thing 
 to being a poet is to be capable of appreciating a 
 poet. There can be no appreciation without a sym- 
 pathy of feeling and taste ; and such sympathy puts 
 the artist and admirer upon equal grounds. The 
 same is true of music and everything else, good or 
 bad." 
 
 " Then perhaps I may find favor in your eyes," 
 replied ^the Saint. " I am sure I should love your 
 music ; for it would require double stupidity not to 
 appreciate the gifts of Apollo in one who also pos- 
 sesses the favor of Venus." 
 
 After further conversation, in which the little 
 
A SNATCH OF LA TK AVI ATA. 89 
 
 woman discoursed of ancient and modern literature 
 with equal fluency, she said : 
 
 " You go to the opera, of course ?" 
 
 " Yes ; I am passionately fond of it." 
 
 " "What is your favorite ?" 
 
 " La Traviata pleases me quite as much as any I 
 have heard. I am not capable of giving a critical 
 opinion ; but nothing delights me more than the 
 drinking song in the second scene. I always cry 
 encore" 
 
 " Oh, yes, that is a gem, indeed," eagerly replied 
 the semi-Italian, her face glowing with delight, and 
 immediately sung : 
 
 " Libiamo, libiamo ne' lieti calici, 
 Che la bellezza infiora," etc. 
 
 " Bravo ! encore !" said the Saint, with unaffected 
 admiration. " "Were I in Mr. Ullman's place, I 
 would elect you prima donna at once, if I had to 
 make La Grange and Gazzaniga take a back seat 
 to give you room." 
 
 " You are extravagant again. But do you really 
 think I can sing ?" 
 
 " Candidly, I do. If your voice is powerful 
 enough to fill a large hall, I believe you could take 
 rank with the first." 
 
90 MATRIMONIAL BKOKEKAGE. 
 
 " I will not deny that your praise is grateful. I 
 Lave labored long and ardently it has been the 
 highest ambition of my life to deserve what you 
 say I deserve, and a little vanity in this may, I 
 think, be excused." 
 
 " I must go home now," the little woman con- 
 tinued, after a pause, drawing an elegant gold watch 
 from her waist ; and acting with characteristic 
 promptness, was going out without any ceremony, 
 when she was stopped by the Saint. 
 
 " A word more, if you please," he said. " Allow 
 me to say frankly that I am greatly pleased, and 
 desire to make your acquaintance. Can I call upon 
 you at home ?" 
 
 " Oh, no ! I cannot invite a stranger to my 
 house. It would do me no harm to meet a man 
 here who was a humbug. But I cannot invite a 
 person to my father's house until I know he is not 
 a humbug. I like your appearance, and presume 
 your professions are true ; but supposition is not 
 sufficient." 
 
 " I will furnish references," said the Saint. 
 
 " Yery well ; when the references are examined 
 and proven, I will invite you to call. Until then 
 it is not to be spoken of." 
 
 you meet me here 3" 
 
THE SAINT IS CAUGHT. 91 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 "To-morrow?" 
 
 c Yes ;" and she was off in an instant. 
 
 " Didn't I tell you the truth ?" said the broker, 
 after the girl had gone. 
 
 " Yes, upon my soul, I am half in love already. 
 Beautiful form sparkling eyes, witty, quick, ambi- 
 tious, proud, sweet a magnificent voice nothing 
 less than charming at every point. What does she 
 say of me 2" 
 
 " Likes you much is really pleased, I assure 
 you ; but is too much on her guard to invite a 
 stranger to her house." 
 
 " She is right. But to-morrow I will give my 
 references." 
 
 And the next day the Saint did give references, 
 which the "sweet, dear little opera singer" said 
 she would examine. In due time she reported 
 favorably, and invited him to call at her father's 
 residence, ~No. , street. 
 
 He called and was introduced to the old gentle- 
 man, a crusty man, who seemed wholly absorbed 
 in books. There was a physician's sign on the door, 
 but no indications of practice. 
 
 The courtship progressed rapidly, and the Saint 
 proposed. He was referred to the father. The old 
 
92 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 man again looked over the references, made sundry 
 inquiries relative to the Saint's pecuniary affairs, 
 future plans, etc., an'd finally said : 
 
 "I am satisfied, Mr. St. Cloud ; but I will con- 
 sent to this marriage only upon one condition." 
 
 " Name it," said the Saint eagerly. 
 
 " My daughter is a fool." 
 
 " Indeed, sir, I do not understand you." 
 
 " She is a fool, sir! She has taken into her head 
 that she can sing. She can, as far as that is con- 
 cerned, and I have spared neither care nor money 
 to give her a perfect musical education, as you 
 know; but how" am I rewarded? She is deter- 
 mined to appear publicly ; and to that I will never 
 consent never ! never ! In short, if you will not 
 promise never to encourage, never to permit her to 
 carry out this silly, monstrous design, I forbid the 
 marriage." 
 
 " I offered my hand to your daughter, sir, 
 because I love her as she is, and I do not consider 
 myself at liberty to make any such promise. I am 
 bound in honor to say, that I should trust the mat- 
 ter to her own discretion." 
 
 "Discretion be hanged! If she loves you 
 enough to renounce her monstrous design, it is 
 well. If you both insist, you must never enter this 
 
A CBISIS. 93 
 
 house again. I give you one day to consider," and 
 with a respectful bow, the parent signified that he 
 had no more to say. 
 
 Saint Cloud had omitted to state, in his commu- 
 nication to the crusty father, that the daughter, 
 in accepting his proposal, made it a condition that 
 she should be allowed to exercise her own " discre- 
 tion " in the matter of singing publicly. 
 
 An immediate interview took place between the 
 Saint and his lady-love, in which the former made 
 known the old gentleman's position. 
 
 " Cruel man !" said she, bursting into tears. " I 
 do believe that if you desired it, I should be wil- 
 ling to abandon my life- long ambition; but this 
 rash promise to him I cannot and shall not 
 make." 
 
 " But will he insist ?" 
 
 " Insist ? Yes ! When he says a thing he sticks 
 to it without reference to consequences. Nothing 
 changes his determination. We might as well 
 appeal to a marble statue.'-' 
 
 ""What, then, can we do?" 
 
 " I don't know. I must be guided by you." 
 
 " We have but one day to decide. If we do not 
 accede to your father's demand, I shall not be per- 
 mitted again to enter the house." . 
 
94 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 " You must decide." 
 
 "Well, then," said Saint Cloud, "his demand is 
 unreasonable, and we will not submit. "Will you 
 marry me contrary to Ms wishes 3" 
 
 " But he will disinherit me I shall be penniless. 
 Can you love me enough to take me poor ?" 
 
 " I care not a fig how soon he disinherits you on 
 my own account. I scorn such base considera- 
 tions. I have enough ; and if I had not, I would 
 earn my bread by ditch-digging before I would 
 make a promise contrary to your wishes." 
 
 " Good, generous man, it shall be as you say." 
 
 As business demanded Mr. Saint Cloud's atten- 
 tion, it was decided that he should go home and 
 return to New York at a given time, when the 
 wedding should immediately take place. 
 
 "I have," said the Saint, "deposited to your 
 credit $1,000 in Bank ; here is the certi- 
 ficate." 
 
 " I cannot take it." 
 
 " But you must. Suppose your father learns our 
 secret? You will, perhaps, be turned out of 
 doors. And in any case you will have some 
 expenses to meet. In short, you must take 
 it." 
 
 The lady took it with much seeming reluctance, 
 
AN IMPOKTANT DISCOVERY. 95 
 
 and Mr. Saint Cloud, after an affectionate parting 
 with his betrothed, returned to his home. 
 
 A week passed, and contrary to expectation, he 
 received no letter. He wrota repeatedly ; there 
 was no answer, and at the end of a month, unable 
 longer to bear the suspense, he came to New York 
 to solve the riddle. 
 
 On the morning after his arrival, he went anx- 
 iously to the doctor's house. It was closed, and on 
 the side of the door was a notice : " To let, this 
 house and furnitue, inquire of ." 
 
 The disappointed Saint immediately went to the 
 agent indicated by the bill. 
 
 " I see, sir, that No. , street is to be let, 
 
 with the furniture. "Who is the proprietor ?" 
 
 " I am." 
 
 " Have you owned it long ?" 
 
 " I built and furnished it. My wife died, and I 
 rented it." 
 
 " To whom ?" 
 
 " I rented it to a man calling himself Doctor . 
 
 He professed to be very wealthy, and to have lived 
 formerly in Charleston ; but said his affairs were in 
 confusion, and when his first quarter's rent came 
 due, asked, as a favor, that I would wait until the 
 second quarter's pay day. I thought it was all 
 
96 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 right, and trusted him. But when the second 
 quarter came round, he eloped with his daughter ; 
 and besides cheating 'me out of my rent, carried 
 off some valuable books I had left there for tempo- 
 rary keeping." 
 
 " Do you know where he went to ?" 
 
 " No. I wish 1 did ; I'd take the rent out of his 
 hide if I could find him." 
 
 Mr. Saint Cloud left for South Carolina the same 
 afternoon, and has not been seen in New York 
 since. 
 
CHAPTEE X. 
 
 The brief but qonclusive Experience of Paul Pike, Harness-maker, 
 with a Matrimonial Advertiser He meets her on Union Park 
 He takes a Walk He stoops to pick up a Gold Watch, and ia 
 glad to pick himself up. 
 
 PAUL PIKE, harness-maker, is a bachelor, thirty-two 
 years of age, who has made about as many efforts 
 to get married as he has made tugs or hold-back 
 straps, but has never yet succeeded in his laudable 
 design. 
 
 Mr. Pike is one of the vainest men that breathes. 
 He listens to you with a look of impatience and 
 pain, as though it were mere waste of time, and 
 when you have finished, proceeds, with a triumph- 
 ant sneer, to demolish, as he thinks, all the fallacies 
 to which you have given utterance. 
 
 Mr. Pike, in short, thinks himself a model, 
 morally, physically, and intellectually, and believes 
 that the woman whom he marries will be the most 
 honored and distinguished woman in the city of 
 
 New York. 
 
 5 w 
 
98 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 But, unfortunately, Mr. Pike is the only person 
 who thinks so ; and several ladies to whom he has 
 made advances, unable to appreciate the royal 
 qualities which so elevate him in his own esteem, 
 have treated him with indifference or contempt. 
 
 Mr. Pike, to his intense amazement and great in- 
 dignation, had recently met with this unaccount- 
 able treatment at the hands of a lady, when his eye 
 rested upon a matrimonial advertisement, in which 
 it was represented that a young woman of educa- 
 tion and refinement desired to make the acquaint- 
 ance of a gentleman of good intellectual abilities, 
 who was manly, industrious, and economical 
 qualities which the advertiser esteemed more highly 
 than wealth or position. Any sincere gentleman of 
 this description was invited to a free interchange of 
 views through the Post-office. 
 
 Mr. Pike thought it a sensible advertisement, and 
 immediately conceived that in him the lady might 
 find a full realization of her ideal. His industry 
 and economy were proverbial, and if the lady was 
 as penetrating as her advertisement indicated, she 
 could not fail to discover that his intellectual parts 
 were brilliant. 
 
 Therefore, Mr. Pike answered the advertisement. 
 He stated his worldly circumstances and prospects 
 
PIKE UNBOSOMS HIMSELF. 99 
 
 with the great minuteness for which he is cele- 
 brated, and then proceeded to bestow upon himself 
 an elaborate eulogy, in which he enumerated all 
 his good qualities, and praised them as they ap- 
 peared to deserve. He " spoke with less hesitation," 
 he wrote, " since Miss Gay had requested an honest 
 interchange of views ; and he felt persuaded, from 
 the high tone of her advertisement, that if they 
 should ever become acquainted, she would not 
 fail to properly estimate his qualities of mind and 
 heart." 
 
 " In short," wrote Mr. Pike, " it has been my lot 
 to live, move, and have a being among grovelling 
 worms of the dust, who have not the soul, heart, or 
 mind, either to aspire to the high intellectual stand- 
 ard I set up in youth, and have attained only by 
 the most severe and persevering labor, or to appre- 
 ciate the gifts of genius and the accomplishments oi 
 study, in those better than themselves." 
 
 To this modest epistle, Mr. Pike in due time re- 
 ceived a highly flattering answer, in which he was 
 assured that his letter, " in every line, bore unmis- 
 takable evidences of sincerity and superior intel- 
 lectual brilliancy." 
 
 Mr. Pike, believing that he had at last found a 
 woman capable of appreciating him, wrote an 
 
100 MATRIMONIAL BEOKEKAGE. 
 
 ardent reply, urging an immediate interview, and 
 clearly intimating that lie was ready to marry im- 
 mediately, provided he was as well satisfied with 
 the personal appearance and social faculties of the 
 fair unknown, as he was with her letter. 
 
 The second epistle which Mr. Pike received was 
 as prompt and decisive as he could possibly have 
 wished. He was assured that Miss Gay " had read 
 his letters over and over again, with ever increased 
 pleasure and admiration, not only for the deep tone 
 of sincerity which pervaded them, but for the high 
 mental qualities which could not fail to be dis- 
 cerned." She was anxious to see him, and begged 
 that he would condescend to meet her in Union 
 Square the next Wednesday evening. " If it is 
 pleasant," said she, " I will walk with my brother, 
 and hope to find you at the south gate at precisely 
 nine o'clock. Please wear a white ribbon in the 
 left buttonhole of your coat, if the coat is black, 
 and a black one if it is white. I will say to my 
 brother, i Here is an old friend,' and will then 
 speak to you. You must be pleased to see me, in- 
 quire after my welfare since our last meeting, and 
 finally beg leave to escort me home. This little 
 deception can harm no one. I live in Hoboken, 
 some distance from the ferry ; and will frankly tell . 
 
THE MEETING IN THE PARK. 101 
 
 you that it would do much to wiv. tfie esteem of ray 
 family, who are somewhat vain, if you should order 
 a fine carriage after we cross the river, and invite 
 my sisters to ride with us, after you are introduced. 
 1 say for the good of our plan, that a pretty liberal 
 way of doing things at the commencement, will be 
 likely to turn the scale in your favor with the other 
 members of the family. Do not think I care for 
 these vain things ; but it is best sometimes to con- 
 form to the wishes of others." 
 
 Mr. Pike forthwith wrote a labored reply, in 
 which he signified his " entire approbation of the 
 plan," and expressed his " warm admiration for the 
 forethought it displayed." 
 
 The momentous Wednesday night was clear and 
 beautiful. The moonlight, it occurred to Mr. Pike, 
 was appropriate to the romantic adventure he had 
 in hand. He donned a faultless white coat, took a 
 hundred dollars, with which to do things on a 
 liberal scale, and having arrived at the southern 
 gate of Union, Park, about five minutes before the 
 appointed time, adjusted a black ribbon in a but- 
 tonhole on his left side. 
 
 At nine o'clock precisely, a veiled lady, leaning 
 on the arm of a stalwart man, approached, and 
 looking at Mr. Pike, came hastily to him, shook his 
 
102 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 liand r warmly; inquired" after his welfare, etc. Mr. 
 Pike did liis part well, and having been introduced 
 to the brother, asked leave to walk with them. 
 
 The brother, whose appearance did not particu- 
 larly please Mr. Pike, remarked, in a bungling 
 manner, that he wished to make a short call up 
 town, and since his sister had been so fortunate as 
 to meet an old acquaintance, he would ask to be 
 excused, hoping to join them at the ferry. Mr. 
 Pike took Miss Gay's arm, and signified his readi- 
 ness to follow her lead. 
 
 " We have to go through rather an unpleasant 
 district," remarked the lady, who had not yet 
 deigned to show her face to her new companion ; 
 "but it is pleasant on the other side of the 
 river." 
 
 Mr. Pike, as he walked through the west side of 
 the town, was convinced that Miss Gay had spoken 
 the truth. He paid little attention to the locality, 
 however, as the stranger's flattering remarks effect- 
 ually soothed whatever apprehensions he might 
 otherwise have felt. 
 
 At length they approached the river, and were 
 passing a lumber-yard, when Miss Gay suddenly 
 pointed to the ground between two piles of boards, 
 and asked : 
 
The Unhappy Situation of Paul Pike, Harness Maker. PAGE 103. 
 
PIKE SEES A SIX- SHOOTER. 103 
 
 " Mr. Pike, what is that object on the ground? 
 It looks to me like a gold watch." 
 
 Mr. Pike, in whom the instinct to get and keep 
 was not wanting, immediately went to the place, 
 and stooped to pick up the prize. But, as he bent 
 over, a man suddenly darted from behind a pile of 
 lumber, and giving him an unwelcome blow on the 
 back of the head, knocked the petrified Paul flat 
 on the earth, as motionless with terror as an iron 
 pike, and instantly seizing him by the collar, drag- 
 ged him where he could not be seen by any passers- 
 by. Then, presenting a six-shooter at his breast, he 
 solemnly assured his prostrate victim that if he 
 stirred, spoke, or resisted, he would send a bullet 
 through his body, and give him a good night's rest. 
 
 Having quieted Paul with this friendly assurance, 
 he took every dollar from his pocket, stripped him 
 of his gold watch and chain, and did not spare even 
 his pocket-knife, gold studs or sleeve-buttons. 
 
 " Now," remarked the remorseless robber, " you 
 live, move, and have a being among grovelling 
 worms of the dust ; but you are watched by a man 
 who has a double-barrelled narcotic, and if you stir 
 before the moon sinks, he will administer a dose 
 that will quiet your nerves." 
 
 Mr. Pike had been so terrified that he had not 
 
104: MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 particularly observed the features of the robber ; 
 but he recognized the quotation from his first letter 
 to Miss Gay, looked at him closely, and discovered 
 that he was no other than the stalwart brother he 
 met in Union Square. 
 
 Mr. Pike, believing himself watched, lay on the 
 earth until the moon disappeared, reflecting upon 
 the serenity of the stars, and contrasting it with his 
 agitated feelings. "When at last only the gas lamps 
 illuminated the city, he crawled from his prison 
 and went home as fast as his legs could carry him. 
 His experience, though brief, cost him over $200, 
 and was so satisfactory that he has been content 
 without repeating his experiment. 
 
CHAPTER XI. 
 
 Madame Mar, the Phrenologist and Matrimonial Agent Her 
 Account of Herself How she becomes another Person Dress- 
 ing in Men's Clothing Conquest of a New Orleans Belle Canes 
 from Washington's Estate Selling a Man the Chart of another 
 Man's Head A Sea Captain in Search of a Wife He is sent to 
 Brooklyn Results of his Journey. 
 
 MADAME MAE, of 176 Yarick street, advertises 
 that she has a " study " connected with the science 
 of phrenology, which enables her to tell one's age, 
 character, and circumstances ; when and what kind 
 of a person he will marry, etc. It is neither for- 
 tune-telling nor guess-work, she asserts, but a 
 science, founded upon infallible principles of nature. 
 She can calculate a man's destiny from the lumps 
 on his cranium with as much certainty as an astro- 
 nomer can calculate an eclipse. 
 
 The madame is about forty years of age. The 
 assiduous services she renders mankind, prevent a 
 decent amount of attention to the cleanliness of her 
 person and apartments. 
 
 r* 105 
 
106 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 Oi5 her table are one of Fowler's plaster-of-paris 
 heads, blank charts for examinations, and all the 
 paraphernalia of a phrenologist, besides copies of 
 the Ledger (the same for which Sylvan us Cobb and 
 Emerson Bennett write only), the Adventures of 
 Dick Turpin, and kindred literary treasures. 
 
 Her science, or " study," as she calls it, consists 
 of measuring with the fingers from one bump to 
 another, which she does with a studious and wise 
 look, repeating, half-audibly, " one-and-a-half a 
 half two three that is seven that indicates 
 long life to a certainty," or similar jargon, re- 
 sembling a mathematical calculation ; she then 
 goes on to announce the character and destiny of 
 her visitor with an air of perfect confidence. 
 
 She has also, in connection with her business, a 
 matrimonial agency, conducted on the plan of those 
 already described. Her fitness to take charge of 
 people's love affairs will appear from some of her 
 operations, as related by herself. 
 
 She advertises that she is assisted by Mad. Gore, 
 a " celebrated clairvoyant," who can see the inside 
 of a man's head as easily as she (Mar) can see the 
 outside, and who will describe diseases and pre- 
 scribe remedies with wonderful accuracy. 
 
 But it happens that this clot of Gore is a myth, 
 
MAK BECOMES (M.UK. 107 
 
 or rather, Madame Mar and Madame Gore are one 
 and the same person. 
 
 When a stranger rings the bell, madame goes to 
 the door and asks, " Whom do you wish to see ?" 
 If the reply is, " Madame Mar," she says, " I am 
 Madame Mar," and if the reply is, " Madame 
 Gore," she says, " I am Madame Gore," and per- 
 forms the extraordinary offices of either, according 
 to the wishes of her customer. 
 
 If a person calls to see Madame Mar, and sub- 
 sequently wishes to see Madame Gore, she goes up 
 stairs to learn if that being- is at liberty, slips on a 
 venerable white wig, powders her face, and throws 
 on a loose robe, and descending, informs the 
 subject, in a faltering voice, that she is Madame 
 Gore, and invites him to her room. 
 
 If customers call to see Madame Gore at a time 
 when Madame Mar is engaged, she tells them 
 Madame Gore's time is fully occupied for the day, 
 and that they must call again if they would see 
 her* But it seldom happens that she is called 
 upon to practise either of these arts of trade. 
 
 " When I lived in New Orleans," said Madame 
 Mar, " I was stopping at a hotel in which a grand 
 ball came off. With the connivance of one of the 
 managers, who introduced me as a distinguished 
 
108 MATRIMONIAL BKOKP^KAGE. 
 
 visitor from New York, I dressed in an elegant suit 
 of gentlemen's clothes, and cut a great figure 
 among the women. I make a good-looking man, I 
 tell you. I flirted with the belles and heiresses all 
 night. It was good fun to flirt with a girl a little 
 and then leave her and see how jealous she would 
 look. 
 
 " I have done a good deal in the way of dressing 
 up in men's clothing, and can pass for a man any 
 time I do so without suspicion. I have found it 
 very convenient sometimes in business matters. 
 
 " On the night of the ball, the manager whis- 
 pered that I was a millionaire from the Fifth 
 Avenue, and single. This of course created a sen- 
 sation, and I was the lion of the evening, notwith- 
 standing several dignitaries were present. I bor- 
 rowed an elegant gold chain and diamond pin of a 
 gentleman with whom I was on intimate terms, 
 and these were at once a passport and indorse- 
 ment. 
 
 " Before the party broke up I took occasion to 
 address myself particularly to the daughter of a 
 very wealthy man, and talked love to her as I 
 know I should like to have it talked to me, if I 
 were as young and handsome as she. The result 
 was an invitation to call upon her, which I did the 
 
MT. VERNON CANES. 109 
 
 next evening. I should have followed the joke, 
 and engaged to marry her, but I had to leave for 
 St. Louis in a few days. So I wrote her a note, 
 saying I had just received intelligence of the death 
 of a wealthy relative, whose affairs I must settle, 
 and that the business would require my absence in 
 Europe for several months." 
 
 Whatever doubts may be entertained as to the 
 truth of this story, no one who looks upon the mas- 
 culine features of the madame can doubt that in 
 male attire she would easily pass for a man. 
 r The madame relates one of her pecuniary specu- 
 lations in this wise : 
 
 " I was once in the city of "Washington, examining 
 heads, etc., and had rather bad luck. I couldn't 
 make much more than my board, and determined 
 in some way to raise the wind. So I one day 
 sent the man who travelled with me to the 
 swamp, where he cut two hundred sticks. These 
 he drew to the city, according to my orders, and 
 put them on the -streets to sell as canes cut from 
 the Mount Yernon estate, and all of them were 
 sold for a dollar apiece. 
 
 " I don't suppose," added the madame, " that a 
 single man who bought a cane cared any more for 
 "Washington than I do ; but they thought it would 
 
110 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 be a nice idea to have a cane from his farm, and 
 they never knew the difference. I tell you there is 
 nothing like humbug. People will pay more for it 
 than anything else; and so long as they will be 
 humbugged, I might as well make something off 
 of it as anybody. 
 
 " A man once came here and ordered a chart of 
 his head, which I made out for him ; but he was 
 dissatisfied and refused to take it. A few days 
 afterwards, another gentleman called for a chart. 
 I buy my blanks of Fowler & "Wells, and, as it 
 happened, the one filled up w^as the only one I had. 
 I was bound not to lose the chance ; so, after going 
 through with the examination, I stepped into the 
 next room and erased the name of the former man, 
 which was written with a pencil, and. inserted that 
 of the new customer, and then gave it to him with- 
 out further alterations. I suppose fie never knew 
 but he had a chart of his own head, and it did him 
 just as much good." 
 
 With so many business accomplishments, Madame 
 Mar could but succeed as a matrimonial agent. 
 
 A sea captain, who had lived in single blessedness 
 to thirty-five, and whose skin was tanned by the 
 tropical sun, came to this port a few months since. 
 He expected to remain several weeks, and deter- 
 
THE CAPTAIX MADE HAPPY. Ill 
 
 mined to improve the time in finding a wife. In 
 looking over the papers he discovered the madame's 
 advertisement, and resolved to avail himself of her 
 services. He accordingly called, and stated his 
 errand. 
 
 "What kind of a wife do you want?" asked 
 madame. 
 
 The son of Neptune described the ideal of his 
 imagination, and Madame Mar, like a true mer- 
 chant, assured the captain she had the article he 
 wanted. 
 
 " A few days ago," said she, " a beautiful young 
 lady came here and had her head examined. She 
 said she wanted to marry a sailor ; that ever since 
 she could remember, she had a great desire to live 
 on a ship ; and she described the kind of husband 
 she wanted. I perceive by the formation of your 
 head," said madame, running her hand over the cap- 
 tain's top-piece, " that you are the man she wants ; 
 you could not have suited better had you been 
 made to her order." 
 
 The captain was in ecstasies. He thought of his 
 long solitary voyages, the many prayers he had 
 breathed to the sea for domestic bliss ; and now the 
 angel of his dreams was to come forth, full armed 
 with every grace, at the waving of the enchantress's 
 
112 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 wand, as Minerva came forth from the head of 
 Jove. 
 
 " What will it cost," asked the captain, " to 
 make this lady's acquaintance ?" 
 
 " As to that," said the madame, " I should 
 charge nothing if I was not obliged to; but I 
 must eat and drink, and buy coal, as other people 
 do." 
 
 " Certainly," said the captain. 
 
 " I have paid considerable postage, etc. for the 
 girl, and have taken a good deal of interest in her 
 case, and I presume you are willing to do what is 
 right ?" 
 
 " Certainly," said the captain, his hand already 
 on his pocket-book ; " name the amount and it shall 
 be paid." 
 
 " "Well," resumed the madame, " under all the 
 circumstances of the case, I don't think ten dollars 
 would any more than make me good." 
 
 The captain's response was brief and to the 
 point. He counted out the ten dollars with alac- 
 rity. In return he" received a card with a name in 
 the feminine gender, and a street and number writ- 
 ten upon it. He was also instructed in reference to 
 the route, and cautioned to be very careful not to 
 mistake the place. 
 
THE CAPTAIN GOES TO BROOKLYN. 113 
 
 "You need no further introduction than my 
 name," Madame Mar assured him. "Tell her I 
 have looked at your head scientifically, and pro- 
 nounce you her congenial mate." 
 
 With this encouraging assurance, the captain set 
 out on his amorous excursion with a light heart. 
 As directed, he went first to the Brooklyn City 
 Hall, and there took a car upon one of the avenues 
 leading out of the city. At the terminus he looked 
 in vain for the street designated on his card ; but 
 after much diligent inquiry was directed to it. 
 After a half-hour's tramp, which took him beyond 
 the Celtic huts, and made him sweat like a man at 
 the anvil, he found it. It was a street recently laid 
 out, and contained only four houses, none of which 
 were very attractive in external appearance, and 
 none of which were numbered. 
 
 " This is the street," soliloquized the captain ; 
 but how the deuce comes it that the card says, ' IS T o. 
 50,' when there are only four houses on it ? The 
 lots must be numbered. Yes, I'm sure that's it. 
 I'll inquire at each house, if I don't find her before 
 I come to the last one." 
 
 In accordance with this determination, the hero 
 of this adventure went to the door of the first house. 
 There was no bell, and he rapped sharply with his 
 
MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 knuckles. He heard a footstep, and his heart was 
 in his throat. It might be Mary herself. But no ! 
 the door opened, and an Irishwoman, with red 
 round face and redder hair, stood before him. 
 
 " Does Mary Fillmore live here ?" he inquired, 
 holding up his card and reading it, so as to be sure 
 and not make a mistake. 
 
 " Mary Fillmore, do ye say ? Who is Mary Fill- 
 more ?" was the response to his question. 
 
 " She is a young lady I wish to see. Is she at 
 home ?" 
 
 "Home? Sure, she may be at home for all's I 
 know uv her." 
 
 " She doesn't live here, then ?" 
 
 " Live here ? ~No. Thomas O'Heara lives here, 
 an' his sister Clara, whose husband, God pity her, 
 was kilt by the falling of a thimber down on the big 
 building they're putting up on the corner uv the 
 avenue. But Thomas O'Heara that's me lioos- 
 band, God bless him isn't the man as'll see a sis- 
 ther turned out of doors while he's a shelter, and 
 he tould her she might come here, and she's 
 living with us for the present, sir ; but it's may 
 be" 
 
 The captain interrupted the narrative of the ver- 
 bose wife by asking : 
 
THE CAPTAIN IN DESPAIR. 115 
 
 " Is there such a person as Mary Fillmore living 
 on this street ?" 
 
 " Strate ? This strate is no strate at all, at all. 
 It's but jist laid oot, and there's no more nor four 
 houses on it. In the next house there's Jemmy 
 O'Brien the same, yer honor, as dhrives a cart on 
 the avenue. He's got a wife an' four little ones. 
 An' in the next house is Mr. O'Flannighan that's 
 three ; an' in the next there's Mr. Malone Pathrick 
 Malone, sir, as carries morther on the new Water 
 Works, an' a fine job he'll have uv it, to be 
 sure " 
 
 " Then you don't know such a person as Mary 
 Fillmore in the street ?" inquired the captain, again 
 interrupting the narrative of the loquacious Mrs. 
 O'Heara. 
 
 " IsTiver a bit have I heard uv the like !" 
 
 The captain's inquiries at the three remaining 
 houses confirmed the accuracy of Mrs. O'lieara's 
 catalogue of the inhabitants of the street. Among 
 the Celts, pigs, and poultry, no Mary Fillmore was 
 to be found, and the captain was suddenly knocked 
 from the highest pinnacle of expectation to the low- 
 est depth of desperation and despair. He retraced 
 his steps with a rage which was at least cousin to 
 frenzy, swearing by all the sea nymphs that he 
 
116 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 would not sleep until lie had recovered his ten dol- 
 lars and given " that old hag a piece of his mind." 
 But his journey had occupied so much time that 
 before he reached 176 Yarick street, the house was 
 dark, the prophetic lips of Madame Mar and 
 Madame Gore being sealed by the sleep of un- 
 doubted innocence, and the captain postponed his 
 reckoning until the next day. 
 
CHAPTER XII. 
 
 The Captain Re-visits the Scene He meets Madame Gore He is 
 Reconciled He is Introduced The Heartrending Narrative of 
 Miss Mary Fillmore Material Aid The Captain in Love A 
 "Wedding on Ship-board, but no Bride. 
 
 NEVER be it forgotten that in the last chapter we 
 left the disappointed sea-captain retreating to his 
 hotel, from the darkened premises of the phrenolo- 
 gist, weary with his Quixotic journey to the remote 
 suburbs of Brooklyn, regretting the ten dollars he 
 had invested in his matrimonial enterprise, and 
 breathing hideous ruin and combustion against the 
 house of Mar. 
 
 His exasperated feelings, aided by countless 
 entomological annoyances, kept him awake the 
 greater part of the night ; and as he tossed about, 
 he improved the time by meditating various fear- 
 ful schemes of vengeance. Each bite of his noc- 
 turnal companions stimulated his determination ; 
 and, hence, it doth appear thai every time a 
 marauding insect inserted a tooth into his heated 
 
 11T 
 
118 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 flesh, under the impression that he was biting the 
 captain, he was in fact only inflicting torments upon 
 Madame Mar a fact greatly to be lamented, since 
 the madame had as much annoyance of this kind 
 at home as she could well abide. 
 
 Scarcely had the madame arisen next morning 
 and eaten her breakfast, when the door-bell rang 
 with a clamor equalling the ordinary clamor of a 
 gong, and stepping to the window, she perceived 
 the captain. His countenance told his errand. 
 
 The madame was thoroughly frightened. To 
 extricate herself from her embarrassing position, 
 temporarily, until some expedient could be hit 
 upon, she resolved to play the " Gore " dodge ; and 
 with incredible agility put on the venerable wig 
 and robe ; and having thus transformed herself to 
 Madame Gore, " the celebrated clairvoyant," went 
 to the door. 
 
 " "Where is Madame Mar ?" thundered the fero- 
 cious seaman, in a voice which struck terror to the 
 heart of Gore. 
 
 " She is not at home, sir. She went away last 
 night, and has not yet returned," replied the 
 madame, at the same time inwardly thanking her 
 stars that the captain did not penetrate her dis- 
 guise. 
 
THE CAPTAIN EXPLODES. 119 
 
 " She is a humbug !" roared the cap-tain. " I 
 want to see her ! I will see her ! I will follow her 
 
 to the end of the earth and but what I'll have 
 
 i 
 
 satisfaction for the trick she played me yesterday." 
 "Why, bless my soul!" said the grey-haired 
 Gore, with well-feigned horror and astonishment, 
 " what does this mean ? Are you mad, sir ? Ma- 
 dame Mar play a trick! Madame Mar is not a 
 humbug, sir ; she is answerable for all her acts, and 
 if you will speak to her respectfully, she will fully 
 explain anything sue has done, or atone for any 
 wrong she may have done unintentionally. Will 
 you walk in and be seated, sir?" 
 
 " If you will pay me the ten dollars that rascally 
 woman swindled me out of, and five dollars for my 
 journey to Brooklyn, I will. But if you don't do 
 it, I will wait until Madame Mar comes, and will 
 tear the house down over her head if she don't 
 do it." 
 
 " I think," answered Gore, with great calmness, 
 "you. had better wait until you get over this pas- 
 sion. Madame Mar will be at home by three 
 o'clock this afternoon, and if you will speak to her 
 respectfully, and state your case, I pledge my word 
 she will satisfy you. But if you rave like a mad- 
 man, she will not hear you." 
 
120 MATRIMONIAL BKOKEKAGE. 
 
 " I will be here," replied the son of Neptune, 
 " at three o'clock ; and if she don't pay me, I'll 
 publish her in the papers." 4 
 
 It is said there are times when even the hardest 
 hearts relent, and as there is much difference 
 between tearing a woman's house down over her 
 head and publishing her in the papers, it is prob- 
 able that this time had arrived in the history of the 
 previously ferocious captain, when he made his last 
 threat to Madame Gore. In fact his heart was 
 softened, and as he walked away he reflected that 
 he might have been hasty; it was possible there 
 was a mistake; he should have been more calm. 
 The more he thought of it, the more the good 
 nature which he really possessed got the upper 
 hand of his wrath, and when he again rang the 
 bell at 176 Yarick street, at three P.M., he was 
 ready to listen to any excuse or proposition the 
 madame might have to offer. 
 
 The rnadame received him very graciously, and 
 came to the point directly, by saying : 
 
 " I am very glad you called here, sir ; I was 
 anxious to see you. Mary Fillmore, the girl you 
 went to see yesterday, called here about an 
 hour ago, and informed me that she moved 
 two or three weeks since; so I suppose you lost 
 
MARY FTLLMOBE APPEARS. 121 
 
 your journey. I told her of you, and she is 
 anxious to see you. I persuaded her to remain, 
 in view of the trouble you must have had yes- 
 terday ; and she will be here in about an 
 hour." 
 
 There was a sudden revolution in the feelings of 
 the worthy captain. From the deepest despair he 
 was suddenly elevated to the highest hope. He 
 apologized warmly for the language he had ad- 
 dressed to Madame Gore in the morning, and as a 
 further expression of good fellowship, paid two dol- 
 lars for a chart of his head. 
 
 In about an hour, as Madame Mar had predicted, 
 the long-sought Mary Fillmore came, and the cap- 
 tain, covered with blushes and embarrassment, was 
 introduced. 
 
 Mary was represented as being eighteen ; but a 
 practised eye would have pronounced her older. 
 She was represented as being beautiful : perhaps 
 she was ; that is a matter of taste. The captain, 
 who had seen very little of womankind, thought 
 her so ; and if the captain was satisfied, that was 
 enough. 
 
 "Whatever her personal charms, she won his 
 heart before the clock struck five ; and, with per- 
 fect faith in the assurance of " congeniality " which 
 
 6 
 
122 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 Mar had given, he proposed unqualified matrimony 
 before it struck six. 
 
 Mary blushed as a maiden of eighteen is ex- 
 pected to under similar circumstances. She could 
 not speak for a long time, her emotion was so 
 obvious. Finally, she said : 
 
 " Do you know I am poor ?" 
 
 " "What of that?" replied the generous sailor : " I 
 have enough for both of us. I had rather marry a 
 poor girl than a rich one." 
 
 "You are kind, sir very kind and generous. 
 But perhaps if you knew how very poor I am, you 
 would not love me." 
 
 The captain protested that it could make" no 
 difference. 
 
 " I could tell you a very sad history, my dear 
 sir, and if, after you hear it, you still love me, it 
 shall be as you wish." 
 
 The captain, sure already of the prize, begged 
 her to proceed. 
 
 " "Well," said Mary, " my father was once well 
 off. He kept a large grocery store in Canal street, 
 and we had a fine house up town. "When I was 
 ten years old my mother died. The effect upon 
 my father was terrible. He was unable to attend 
 to any business for many months, and for a long 
 
123 
 
 time we despaired of his life. But he partially 
 regained his health, yet he was broken-hearted, 
 and never the same man. He had so long neg- 
 lected his business that everything had gone 
 wrong ; in fact, he never was able to do business 
 afterwards, and resolved to sell all he had. He 
 was bbliged to, or part of it at least, to pay off the 
 debts incurred during his sickness ; and everything 
 went at a sacrifice. After he had converted all 
 his property to cash, we travelled three years, and 
 I got so I loved the sea better than the land. But 
 this travelling was fatal to our fortunes. When 
 we returned we had but very little left, and father 
 was more disheartened than ever. His strength 
 gave way, and for years he was an invalid. I had 
 to sew through the day, and attend to him through 
 the night, and nobody can guess what we suffered. 
 About a month since he died in a mean room over 
 in Brooklyn, where you went yesterday, and where 
 we lived for several months. I got into debt and 
 am now working the best way I can to pay off my 
 debts and support myself. It is very hard, I assure 
 you ; but I have done it all cheerfully for my poor 
 dear father's sake. [Mary here burst into tears, 
 and the sympathetic captain actually put his arms 
 around her and kissed her repeatedly the first 
 
124: MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 offence of the sort he ever committed in his 
 life.] 
 
 " Now you know my history," resumed Mary, 
 drying her tears ; " you know how very poor I am, 
 and in debt, too ; can you love me ?" 
 
 In reply the captain repeated his former offence, 
 after which he asked her how much she owed. 
 
 " I owe $100," was the reply. 
 
 " That can be very easily paid," said the captain, 
 and he soon counted out the money. " But," he 
 added, " you will need some things for the wed- 
 ding. Take this fifty dollars now, and let me 
 know when you want more." 
 
 Mary took the money, protesting that the cap- 
 tain was the noblest and most generous man in the 
 world ; that she never could love him enough ; 
 that she was so happy it seemed like a dream, 
 etc., etc. 
 
 The captain asked permission, at parting, to call 
 upon her ; but she said she had no place to receive 
 him. Besides, she wished to visit some of her 
 friends, and had much work to do. But she would 
 see him there again. 
 
 The captain was permitted several interviews 
 with his betrothed at the madame's house, and at 
 each interview offered money, which offers were 
 
ROMANTIC WEDDING PLANNED. 125 
 
 never refused. He proposed that the wedding 
 should take place at madame's ; but Mar y was not 
 quite ready she had clothes to make and much to 
 do. " Besides," she added, " do you know I have a 
 great desire to be married on ship-board ? It may 
 be foolish, or sentimental, if you wish to call it 
 so ; but it is true. It would be just suited to my 
 taste." 
 
 The captain, who readily consented to everything 
 proposed by his lady-love, was much pleased with 
 the idea, and it was finally determined that the 
 ceremony should be performed on the vessel, on 
 the morning of her sailing. The crew were in- 
 structed how to conduct themselves in honor of the 
 bride ; they were all treated to a grand supper on 
 the night preceding the wedding; and on the 
 morning which was to crown the captain's bliss, a 
 clergyman was on board, ready to unite the twain 
 in the bonds of matrimony. 
 
 The bride had promised to be on hand precisely 
 at ten o'clock, and the captain had given her money 
 with which to hire a carriage. But ten o'clock came 
 without the bride. An hour passed, and the cap- 
 tain grew uneasy ; he was to sail at two P.M. At 
 twelve o'clock, the expected not arriving, he con- 
 cluded to run over to Madame Mar's and see what 
 
126 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 the trouble was ; but when he got to rna dame's 
 place the window-blinds were all closed ; he rung 
 the bell furiously; there was no response. The 
 captain saw the true state of the case; he was 
 " sold." His hopes, like the spirits of Prospero's 
 vision, suddenly 
 
 " melted into air into thin air," 
 
 and he did not detain his ship to recall them. 
 
CHAPTEE XIII. 
 
 Singular Matrimonial Errand of a Member of a Popular Brook- 
 lyn Church Brokerage applied to the Next World Madame 
 Mar is missed from the accustomed place She becomes the 
 Escaped Wife of a Mormon Elder. 
 
 THOSE very heathenish old heathen, the Druids, 
 who, according to the received accounts, lived in 
 the woods on exceedingly plain vegetable diet, and 
 didn't deserve so good fare, had a financial system 
 which beat the beasts of "Wall street. They bor- 
 rowed money, and promised to pay in the next 
 world. 
 
 Madame Mar should have been a Druidess, for 
 her system of Matrimonial Brokerage extends 
 to the next world, as appears from the following 
 history : 
 
 As she was one day seated at her table, poring 
 over " The Road to Ruin " a work of great literary 
 merit and undoubted moral tendency, bound in 
 beautiful yellow paper her attention was dis- 
 tracted from the absorbing book by the entrance of 
 a richly dressed, stately woman, whose bearing and 
 
 127 
 
128 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 manners indicated an accomplished lady. She was 
 surprised at such an apparition in her apartment, 
 from the fact that her female visitors are generally 
 ignorant servant girls, or despairing old maids, who, 
 having failed to secure husbands by the ordinary 
 methods, as a dernier ressort, come to her. She, 
 therefore, put on her very best manners, recalled 
 the pretty words of the dictionary, and received the 
 visitor with becoming dignity. 
 
 After some commonplace conversation, the lady 
 said : 
 
 " I have called upon a very singular errand. I 
 wish, in the first place, to know if I can confide to 
 you the great secret of my life, without danger of 
 exposure ?" 
 
 " Madame," replied Mar, with much apparent 
 earnestness, " my life i& devoted to the good of 
 others. I read the destinies which nature has 
 traced in the organization of the human mind, to 
 give warning of danger and inspire hope. I am a 
 woman who knows what life is what love is ; I 
 have hoped, suffered, and enjoyed ; I can sympa- 
 thize with the afflicted, and it is a part of my duty 
 to society to preserve all secrets affecting the peace 
 and happiness of those who confide to me. You 
 can, I assure you, trust me to the fullest extent." 
 
A WIFE'S CONFESSION. 129 
 
 " You will see the importance of secrecy in my 
 case," responded the stranger. " Should the con- 
 fession I am about to make come to the knowledge 
 of my husband or society, it would ruin us forever. 
 I move in the best circles of Brooklyn ; I am a 
 member of a popular Brooklyn church ; I am a 
 wife and a mother." 
 
 " Under such circumstances," replied Mar, " it 
 would be very cruel to betray your confidence. I 
 promise you solemnly to deal fairly." 
 
 " If I may trust you, then, and I believe I can," 
 resumed the lady, " I will give you a statement of 
 the circumstances which have brought me here, to 
 confess a secret never before made known to any 
 human being. 
 
 " I do not love my husband. He is a good man, 
 and all that ; but I do not love him ; I cannot love 
 him ;" saying which, the lady looked very much 
 abashed, as if frightened at her own words, and said 
 she thought she had better say no more. But 
 Madame Mar was not the person to lose a client, 
 and rallied her faltering courage : 
 
 " There are many such cases, my dear madame 
 many more than you suspect. I understand per- 
 fectly the cause of your sorrow. You and your 
 husband are not congenial. Marriage without con- 
 
 6* 
 
130 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 geniality is not marriage it is a falsehood to the 
 world, and a sin against heaven. Yet it is a misfor- 
 tune that must sometimes be borne. This unhappi- 
 ness is the result of ignorance. I can tell who are 
 fitted for each other. The principles of my science 
 are infallible ; and if people would marry upon 
 scientific principles, there would be an end of the 
 misery caused by unhappy matches. I knew by 
 the formation of your head that you were unhappy 
 with your husband ; perhaps you need not be al- 
 ways. Confide all to me ; if I cannot relieve your 
 distress altogether, I can at least soothe it." 
 Thus encouraged, the lady proceeded : 
 " Our marriage was not an affair of our own so 
 much as it was of our parents. Our families were 
 intimate, wealthy, and exclusive, and before we 
 were old enough to know the . meaning of love or 
 marriage, it was decided that we should be ma'n 
 and wife. "We were taught to regard it as a fixed 
 fact, and never thought of a possibility of anything 
 lifferent. At the time agreed upon by our parents 
 when we were too young to marry the wedding 
 took place as arranged ; and I did not discover for 
 some time into what misery I had been plunged, 
 apparently by my own consent, but really by the 
 action of others, in which I had no hand." 
 
131 
 
 " And for which you were not responsible," sug- 
 gested Mar. 
 
 "After a while and it was not a long while my 
 husband's presence became repulsive to me, and I 
 was much happier when he was away, and dreaded 
 his return. But we had children ; I was proud of 
 my position as the wife of a man .whose wealth 
 gave him superiority, and I made up my mind that 
 neither my husband nor any other person should 
 ever know the truth, however great the sacrifice of 
 feeling it might require of me. 
 
 " There is a physician in Brooklyn, who was an 
 intimate friend of my husband before our marriage, 
 and who used to visit at our house. I felt strangely 
 attracted towards him. I was at his wedding, 
 which, like mine, was an affair of the families, and 
 then, in spite of my own struggles with the feel- 
 ings, I discovered the truth I loved him and I 
 know by x the looks he gives me when we meet, and 
 by .his conduct tow r ards me, that he loves me. It 
 is a hopeless love. My only earthly happiness is 
 in my children, and how wretched I sometimes am 
 God only knows." 
 
 The reader of these articles knows that we have 
 had false sighing, false fainting, and false weeping"; 
 and the writer takes a dismal pleasure in record- 
 
132 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 ing that at this stage of her narrative, the lady 
 burst into honest tears. The great sorrow of her 
 life, concealed for years, and causing any amount 
 of hope, despair and remorse, was confessed at 
 last. 
 
 But how unwise of the poor lady to confide this 
 story to Mar ! . She looked at the case entirely in a 
 financial aspect. While professing the deepest 
 sympathy with the afflicted woman, she was think- 
 ing desperately of the best method of turning her 
 sorrow into ready cash ; and when the visitor had 
 gone, she had a hearty laugh at her simplicity ; 
 and notwithstanding the solemn pledges of invio- 
 lable secrecy, told the story as a capital joke. 
 
 As soon as the lady had dried her tears, she 
 stated her errand : 
 
 " I came here, Madame Mar, to learn if the doc- 
 tor and I are congenial spirits, and if we are des- 
 tined to ~be 'married in heaven ! I expect no happi- 
 ness here except doing my duty to my children, 
 and if I could really believe in such a union in the 
 next world, I think I should be reconciled to my 
 lot in this." 
 
 The phrenologist, w r ith true business tact, deter- 
 mined so to arrange matters that further services 
 would be required, just as a physician gives pow- 
 
A SPIRITUAL HUSBAND. 133 
 
 ders with directions to call on him again when 
 they are gone. She replied that in her opinion, 
 from the statement of the case, the lady and the 
 doctor were congenial spirits ; but in order to 
 determine fully, she must see both of them. 
 
 It was accordingly arranged that the madame 
 should visit her customer at her residence on a 
 given day. She went, and the lady found it neces- 
 sary to call in the doctor that afternoon, to give 
 some advice about a child's health. After his 
 departure, the madame informed the lady that she 
 had given the doctor's head many scientific glances 
 during his visit, and she was perfectly satisfied that 
 he was her congenial companion. 
 
 " He," said the phrenologist, " is your husband, 
 in spite of the law. You were made for each 
 other ; and however you may be separated, I per- 
 ceive by the formation of your heads, that you are 
 man and wife.' 
 
 The lady now came to the practical part, and as 
 the result was precisely what she wanted, and as 
 she was particularly anxious to keep on the right 
 side of Mar, now that she possessed her secret, she 
 gave her a very handsome roll of $5 bills not less 
 than ten, nicely folded up. 
 
 Inasmuch as Madame Mar is a very honest and 
 
131 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 disinterested person (as clearly appears from the 
 transactions in which we have seen her engaged), it 
 is not at all likely that she has levied black mail 
 upon the Brooklyn wife. 
 
 But the public will, for the present at least, be 
 compelled to get on without the services of the 
 renowned Mar and celebrated Gore. She had an 
 offer to go about the country as the escaped wife 
 of a Mormon elder, and lecture upon Life in Salt 
 Lake City. For this service she was to receive 
 $5 per day and expenses paid. She hesitated 
 whether to accept it ; but as her friends now miss 
 her from the accustomed place; as the man 
 pictured on her window curtain no longer sits 
 patiently while she examines his head ; as the 
 door-plate inscribed " Madame Mar and Madame 
 Gore " is removed ; as her advertisements no 
 longer ornament the columns of the Herald, and 
 as strangers now dwell in the habitation of 176 
 Yarick street, which a few weeks ago was the 
 theatre of her scientific researches and triumphs, 
 it is probable that she has accepted the offer, and 
 is now relating: to admiring; audiences in the rural 
 
 o o 
 
 districts her sufferings in the City of the Prophet. 
 
CHAPTEE XIY. 
 
 The Gipsy Palmist and her " Secret for Gaining the Affections of 
 the Opposite Sex " The Experiments of Mr. Samuel Alley there- 
 with. 
 
 THE individual who looks upon Samuel Alley sees 
 before Mm a tall, well-formed man, with high brow, 
 well-adjusted black hair and whiskers, and the air 
 of a commander. If he would never speak, (and 
 he seldom does,) he might pass for a pattern of 
 wisdom ; but the moment he opens his mouth the 
 illusion is at an end, and the discriminating listener 
 at once perceives with all his external appearance 
 of 'greatness, Mr. Alley is only a very ordinary 
 man. Phrenology and Physiognomy are ashamed 
 of themselves whenever Mr. Alley's voice is heard. 
 Mr. Alley was a grocer's clerk, and occupied a 
 small room in the vicinity of Clinton Place, taking 
 his meals at eating-houses, or going without them, 
 according to the state of his finances ; for it must 
 be admitted that if he was called on to choose 
 between a billiard-table and a dinner-table, he 
 generally took the former. 
 
 185 
 
136 MATRIMONIAL BROKER AGE. 
 
 In truth, Mr. Alley's sins, both of omission and 
 of commission, were manifold as the hair upon his 
 head and face, (and many were the hairs on his 
 head and face,) and notwithstanding his reverend 
 and solemn aspect, he was as sorely given to " un- 
 godly revelrie " as his means would allow. 
 
 If ever Mr. Alley was sufficiently in funds, and 
 could spare the time from his ordinary debauch, he 
 went to the theatre the only public institution, in 
 his estimation, worthy the patronage of a free and 
 enlightened citizen. 
 
 It was at Burton's that Mr. Alley one night saw 
 a young lady with whom he fell in love, not hesi- 
 tatingly, but headlong. He kept his eye on her 
 through the play, and slily followed her home, 
 carefully noting down the number of her residence 
 in Clinton place. A patient devotion of two weeks 
 discovered to the smitten Samuel the name of the 
 smiter; but this knowledge availed him nothing. 
 How could he, a poor grocer's clerk, ignorant, with 
 nothing except bad habits to start with in life, get 
 inside of that fine mansion, and win his ideal, was a 
 question which greatly perplexed Samuel from the 
 rising of the sun to the going down thereof; and 
 one, too, which disturbed his rest. He concluded 
 that the thing was impossible, grew misanthropic, 
 
SAMUEL VISITS THE GIPSY. 137 
 
 and drank and swore worse than ever, as he con- 
 templated the great difference in the chances of a 
 rich man and a poor one. 
 
 In this sorrowful posture of his affairs, Mr. Alley 
 saw one morning the advertisement of the " Gipsy 
 Palmist, 407 Grand street," who announced that she 
 discovered all the secrets of one's life, and had " a 
 secret for gaining the affections of the opposite 
 sex." 
 
 The Gipsy is a woman over thirty years old, 
 with a pitted and unclean face, and long finger 
 nails, with a distinct and palpable line of dirt 
 under each: 
 
 To this enchantress Samuel went with newly- 
 awakened hopes, and poured out his complaints. 
 He pictured the violent love he had experienced, 
 the despair it had occasioned him, and asked if 
 she could do anything for him, assuring her that 
 if she did, she would win his gratitude, and more 
 substantial rewards, since the young lady was rich. 
 
 The Gipsy held out the most flattering hopes. 
 It made.no difference, she assured him, whether he 
 was rich or poor. Even though an entire stranger 
 to the object of his affection, and separated from 
 her by the widest social differences and dissimilar- 
 ity of taste, the potent mixture which she prepared 
 
138 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 would level all obstacles, and in fifteen or twenty 
 days realize his most sanguine dreams. It mat- 
 tered not, so far as the effect was concerned, 
 whether his motive was good or bad ; the charm 
 would in any case subdue the most obdurate heart ; 
 yet she cautioned Mr. Alley, in using it, to be very 
 careful to express the very wish he felt the very 
 intention he cherished because the conjuration 
 would subject the young lady entirely to his views, 
 and her own feelings would in a very short time 
 correspond to his wish precisely as he uttered it ; 
 and those feelings would remain unchangeable for- 
 ever. Therefore Mr. Alley should ponder the 
 responsibility, and decide clearly and fully what he 
 wanted before he gave the wish definite form in the 
 conjuration, remembering that the decrees of fate 
 cannot be altered, and that the happiness of both, 
 through life, might depend on the correct wording 
 and sincerity of his wish. 
 
 This caution was given in execrable English ; for 
 the Gipsy manifests the utmost contempt for the 
 rules of syntax, and having been born on the Black 
 Jleath, as she asserts, abuses the letter h in a man- 
 ner worthy of a native of Lancashire or York- 
 shire. 
 
 " If," said she, " you wish to 'ave it done, it wilL 
 
SAMUEL BUYS A CHARM. 139 
 
 win you a wife, whose love will not die hout hin a 
 year hor twenty years ; but will throw 'er in your 
 harms, like, hand make 'er follow you jist as a child 
 does hits mother, until she dies." 
 
 Mr. Alley, in a labyrinth of ecstatic visions, ex- 
 pressed his perfect delight at the generous promises 
 of the Gipsy, and demanded the price of the 
 charm. 
 
 "I charge haccording to circumstances," she 
 replied. " If a man his rich, I think 'e can hafford 
 more ; but you say you's poor, so I won't be hun- 
 reasonable ; give me two dollars." 
 
 The money having been paid, the Gipsy took a 
 pulverized substance, and doing up about four 
 ounces, equally divided in two papers, nicely, like 
 a doctor's powder, directed him to take them to the 
 fire at midnight, and throw one of them in, and 
 while the paper burned, repeat aloud the name of 
 the young lady and the wish regarding her, and 
 when the first paper was consumed to throw in the 
 second one, again repeating the name and wish 
 while it burned. It would not answer, she assured 
 him, to perform the conjuration a minute before 
 midnight. Precisely twelve o'clock would do ; but 
 it was better to wait a few minutes longer ; yet he 
 must, above all things, avoid waiting until past one 
 
140 MATRIMONIAL BEOKEEAGE 
 
 o'clock. She probably believed with Bolingbroke, 
 that, 
 
 " Wizards know their times. f 
 
 Deep night, dark night, the silent of the night, 
 The time of night when Troy was set on fire ; 
 The time when screech-owls cry and ban-dogs howl, 
 And spirits walk, and ghosts break up their graves ; 
 That time best fits the work we have in hand." 
 
 Mr. Alley, with superstitions awe, took the mys- 
 terious papers, which, he verily believed, contained 
 the sovereign balm for all his heart-burnings ; 
 happy, indeed, that he possessed the awful secret, 
 yet trembling as if in the presence of those ghosts 
 who, at the approach of " Aurora's harbinger," 
 
 " Wandering here and there, 
 
 Troop home to churchyards ; damned spirits all, 
 That in cross-ways and floods have burial." 
 
 He ventured, however, to ask the Gipsy what 
 the compound was ; but she evidently regarded the 
 question as little better than blasphemy. She con- 
 descended, nevertheless, to tell him that all Gipsies 
 were sworn to preserve their secrets, and would not 
 reveal them, even to escape imprisonment or death. 
 
 Mr. Alley went home, and anxiously awaited the 
 midnight hour. He had provided himself with a 
 fire, and when his white-faced watch told .him the 
 
141 
 
 time had arrived, threw one of his papers into the 
 flames, and solemnly repeated the name of his 
 charmer and the sincerest wish, perhaps, he ever 
 uttered. The second paper was thrown in, accord- 
 ing to directions, and the name and wish repeated. 
 
 This incantation, be it known, was performed on a 
 warm summer's night ; and at its conclusion, Mr. 
 Alley, covered with perspiration, retired from the 
 house and passed two hours in watching the door- 
 knob, which he knew was often turned by her di- 
 vine hand, to give his room time to cool. But 
 when he returned, he found the whole house 
 aroused by the unnatural heat which he had found 
 it necessary to make, and was assailed on all sides 
 as a lunatic or a thief. " A counterfeiter, I will 
 wager !" suggested one ; and this seemed the most 
 reasonable supposition. " You had better wait till 
 cold weather before you make bogus coin !" cried 
 another. And, worst of all, the landlady, convinced 
 that Alley was casting base coin, told him to leave 
 the house instantly, and that if he ever set foot in 
 it again, she would expose his crimes, and have him 
 arrested by the police. 
 
 But Mr. Alley bore all patiently, convinced, as 
 he was, that his afflictions were only for a season, 
 and that the transcendent bliss which was in store 
 
14:2 MATRIMONIAL BKOKERAGE. 
 
 for him would more than compensate his many and 
 grievous sacrifices. 
 
 Mr. Alley awaited with profound anxiety the ex- 
 piration of fifteen days, at which time he contrived 
 to encounter the young lady in the streets, fully ex- 
 pecting she would rush to his arms, overwhelmed 
 with the same emotions she had awakened in him. 
 Planting himself at a corner, he watched her ap- 
 proach, and, as she came up, stood directly in her 
 path. The light-footed damsel, seeing the passage 
 obstructed, carelessly turned aside, and scarcely 
 noticing him, went on. He would have spoken, 
 but found himself dumb. " It is too soon. Fifteen 
 or twenty days, she said. I will wait five days 
 longer, and it must work by that time ;" and with 
 this consoling reflection Samuel went about his 
 business. 
 
 Mr. Alley passed five wretched days, at the expi- 
 ration of which, the weather being pleasant, he was 
 convinced that the lady would walk out, and be- 
 lieved his troubles were at an end. He was not 
 mistaken in his first calculation, for he had not 
 stood upon the corner a quarter of an hour, when 
 the smiling charmer sallied forth for a Broadway 
 shopping excursion. How beautiful she appeared 
 in the ravished eyes of Samuel ! " Now or never," 
 
The Experiment of Mr. Samuel Alley on the Corner.-PAOE 113. 
 
SAMUEL DECLARES HIMSELF. 
 
 lie said to himself, as she approached, and again 
 planting himself in her path, made out to speak : 
 " I have waited for you, Miss - ! Do you know 
 how I love you ?" 
 
 The young lady thus saluted gave a scream, as 
 was natural, and ran home at full speed. Samuel, 
 with all his credulity, was not so great a fool as to 
 mistake the case ; the hopes he had built upon the 
 conjuration were prostrated at a blow, and he went 
 off in despair. 
 
 The same evening, however, unwilling to abandon 
 all faith in the Gipsy, he called to see what she 
 would say for herself, or if she could not do some- 
 thing for him in the desperate straits to which he 
 was reduced. "We will endeavor to translate into 
 English the dialogue which followed, as our readers 
 might not understand it in the original tongue. 
 
 " Twenty-one days ago," said Mr. Alley, " I 
 bought your secret for gaining the affections of the 
 opposite sex ; but it didn't have any effect." 
 
 " I do not remember you, sir," replied the Gipsy. 
 "What do you want?" 
 
 "I want to see if you can do any more for 
 me." 
 
 The Gipsy's eye lighted up. The credulity of 
 her customer was evidently not exhausted, and she 
 
144: MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 might, perhaps sell him another charm. " Did you 
 follow the directions ?" she inquired. 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "And the lady still refuses you?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "That is strange very strange. It seems im- 
 possible. I sell hundreds every month, and every 
 one is astonished at their power. Are you sure 
 there is no change in the lady's conduct towards 
 you?" 
 
 " None, except for the worse." 
 
 "But I am sure there is a change. She feels 
 more kind towards you, but does not wish to show 
 it." 
 
 "You are mistaken; she fears and shuns me." 
 
 " Then there is a mistake. One of two things 
 is true. Either she has changed slowly and imper- 
 ceptibly, or you have not followed directions. The 
 great beauty of the charm is that it works slowly, 
 and the person does not know that anything has 
 happened. Suppose, for instance, that I should 
 burn the powders and wish to win you ; you would 
 pretty soon begin to like me, and think more and 
 more of me, until you would finally get so you 
 couldn't bear to be out of my sight a minute. It 
 lasts, too ; that is better yet. But it is necessary, 
 
A BRILLIANT IDEA. 14:5 
 
 when tlie wish is made, to have your mind and 
 thoughts fixed upon the person you want to gain. I 
 think you did not know this." 
 
 "Yes, I did. My whole mind was on her. I 
 thought of nothing else." 
 
 " That is very strange, then." 
 
 " Well, what can you do for me ?" 
 
 " I don't know what to think. It is the first time 
 a man ever complained that it did not work, and I 
 don't know what to say." 
 
 The Gipsy was not a little annoyed; but sud- 
 denly a new idea struck her. 
 
 " Have you a rival ?" she asked. 
 
 " I don't know." 
 
 " You have. I am sure you have." 
 
 " Well, what of that ? Is not the secret sufficient 
 to overpower him. This is the promise you made 
 me." 
 
 " Certainly ; but you see there are hundreds of 
 persons corning here ; and I of course do not know 
 who they are. It is probable that your rival has 
 been here before you." 
 
 "What would be the effect, if my rival and I 
 should each use your charm, and make the same 
 wish?" 
 
 " The one who made it first would win her." 
 
14:6 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 " If then my rival used it first " 
 
 " You might as well have flung your powders 
 out of the window ; they would be no good to you. 
 ]f he got the start of you half an hour, or half a 
 minute, you might just as well have flung it to 
 the dogs." 
 
 " But suppose we both made the wish at the same 
 time ?" . 
 
 " Then they would do away with each other ; or, 
 the one who thought most of her, his would have 
 effect. But this could not happen, and your rival 
 has done it before you." 
 
 " What shall I do ? Must I give her up ?" 
 
 " Get another powder and burn it, being careful 
 to follow the directions, and you will find it will 
 beat him unless he burns more." 
 
 " And if he does ?" 
 
 " The one who uses most will succeed." 
 
 " And must I pay you two dollars for every one 
 I get?" 
 
 " Well, that would be rather hard. I like to give 
 satisfaction to my customers, and always have 
 before; and under the circumstances I will let 
 you have another for a dollar." 
 
 " I don't know as I have a rival." 
 
 " Oh, you have ; that's it, I am sure. Let me 
 
PROFOUND QUESTIONS ANSWERED. 147 
 
 tell you what happened. A lady came to me and 
 said she wanted to marry a man who is rich and 
 holds high office in the city government. She told 
 me his name, and I sold her the powder. This was 
 early in the afternoon. A little while afterwards 
 another lady came, and told me she was in love, 
 but didn't give me the man's name. I sold her a 
 powder, and she came back after the time was up, 
 and said it had no effect. I then asked her the 
 name of the man, and found he was the same one 
 the other was in love with, and I understood all 
 about it. The last lady was a friend I think a good 
 deal of, and so I gave her another powder. She 
 has burned that, and now she begins to see a 
 change in the man. He begins to like her a good 
 deal, and to neglect the other; and if the other 
 does not burn another one, she will lose him 
 sure." 
 
 " And suppose the other does burn another ?" 
 
 "Then she will get him back, unless the last 
 woman burns another still." 
 
 " And the one that burns most will get him ?" 
 
 " That's it precisely." 
 
 " You say the last woman came back and said 
 she had not succeeded." 
 
 " Yes, because it's as I tell you." 
 
14:8 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 " But you said, a little while ago, that I was the 
 first person who ever came back dissatisfied," said 
 Mr. Alley, who began to see through the Gipsy, 
 and whose wits were stimulated by the discovery. 
 
 " I said you were the first man." 
 
 "Does this secret apply to married women? 
 Suppose, for instance, any acquaintance of mine 
 has a wife whom I fancy. If I burn the powder 
 and wish to win her, will it have the same effect as 
 it will upon an unmarried woman ?" 
 
 "Yes, just the same."V 
 
 " Well, then, if I succeed in getting this lady I 
 am after, and my rival should keep on burning 
 powder after we were married ?" 
 
 " Oh, in that case, you would have to keep some 
 on hand, and burn more than he did." 
 
 Mr. Alley wisely concluded that he had been 
 humbugged, and further made up his mind that 
 w r edded bliss, if as liable to be upset as the Gipsy 
 represented, was not worth all the expense and 
 trouble it would cost. He therefore departed, 
 without investing further, to forget his hopeless 
 love and disappointment in the best manner he 
 could. 
 
 The " secret " which the Gipsy sells to weak 
 servant girls, and all other people silly enough to 
 
THE " SECRET " EXPOSED. 149 
 
 buy it, she says is of very ancient origin. Yet, 
 notwithstanding the sacred character which she 
 attaches to it, having the undoubted authority of a 
 man whose opinion in such matters is law, we are 
 prepared to tell 
 
 " what drugs, what charms, 
 
 What conjuration and what nightly magic " 
 
 the Gipsy uses. This sacred charm, which she 
 would not reveal to save her limbs from irons or 
 her neck from the gallows, is nothing more or less 
 than pulverized carbonate of iron, which can be 
 obtained of any druggist; and if it possess the 
 power which the Gipsy claims for it, a dollar will 
 buy enough to win half the women in New York 
 and Brooklyn. 
 
 Meantime we advise husbands and lovers not to 
 give themselves needless uneasiness on account of 
 the publicity of this charm. 
 
CHAPTER XY. 
 
 A Lame Widow on the look-out for a Husband She applies^to a 
 Bleecker street Broker The versatile Joseph How one Ar- 
 ticle may serve many Uses A Wedding-day is appointed, but the 
 Bridegroom gets into the Tombs. 
 
 MRS. G , a widow, lives in a village near New 
 
 York, owns a house and lot, and lias money enough 
 at interest to support her comfortably. "Not hav- 
 ing received any satisfactory proposal, however, 
 she took a fancy last year to try the chances of 
 matrimonial brokerage ; to which conclusion she 
 was led through the ordinary channel of newspaper 
 advertisements. 
 
 The office at which she applied was one of the 
 several short-lived ones, which the proprietors have 
 found it necessary to shut up suddenly, to escape 
 the unpleasant notoriety of a judicial investigation. 
 It was situated in Bleecker street, and kept by a 
 sprightly woman, who disappeared from the scene 
 in about three months after her office was opened. 
 
 To this woman the confiding Mrs. G made 
 
 known her thoughts, which were highly approved 
 
 150 
 
PARIS MATRIMONIAL OFFICES. 151 
 
 and duly encouraged by the usual number of fic- 
 titious histories,- in which persons in similar circum- 
 stances, it was represented, had patronized the 
 office, and been speedily and happily married. 
 
 " This system of making acquaintances," she 
 said, " is very common in Paris. Matrimonial 
 offices are a regular institution there. In fact, 1 
 made the acquaintance of my husband at an office 
 in Paris, and I know that there never was a happier 
 union." 
 
 The managing broker, having questioned the 
 widow in relation to her views of a husband, and 
 found that she had a partiality for gentlemen of the 
 legal profession, humored the prejudice as follows: 
 
 " I have a young man on my list who is in search 
 of a wife, and I am sure he would agree with .me 
 that you are quite young and handsome enough. 
 And as I do everything openly and fairly, I will 
 tell you that your means would be a consideration. 
 Not that he would marry a woman he did not love 
 to get her money he is too noble for that ; but he 
 is a young man just starting in business, and al- 
 though his prospects are the very best, he cannot 
 marry at present unless the lady is capable of sup- 
 porting herself." v 
 
 Now Mrs. G , although really a good-hearted 
 
152 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 and lioncst woman, was by no means handsome, 
 and was so unfortunate, withal, as to have one limb 
 a little shorter than its companion. But if she had 
 one weakness more prominent than another, it was 
 an inordinate love of praise, which blinded her to 
 all her faults of person. Only tell her she was 
 beautiful, and she would believe you much quicker 
 than she would believe her mirror; tell her the 
 short limb made her motions graceful, and she 
 would thank her stars that it was not as long as its 
 mate. She was, in short, admirably calculated to 
 be imposed upon by anybody who could discover 
 her vulnerable point ; and the Bleecker street bro- 
 ker had practised upon poor human nature too long 
 to require much time in the discovery. She de- 
 scribed to Mrs. G , in glowing terms, the manly 
 
 form, noble disposition, and generous qualities of 
 
 the young man in question ; and when Mrs. G 
 
 suggested that he might not be pleased with her, 
 went into such extravagant praise of her appear- 
 ance, that she was delighted beyond measure, and 
 thought the broker the most interesting person she 
 had ever seen. It was arranged that she should 
 be introduced the next afternoon, and she departed 
 in a fever of hope and satisfaction. 
 
 Now it is evident to all discerning minds, that a 
 
HOW JOSEPH WAS USEFUL. 153 
 
 matrimonial broker, to be successful, must keep on 
 hand, at all times, the article demanded; just as a 
 shoemaker or a dry-goods merchant must stand 
 ready to supply his customers. Mrs. B., the broker 
 we are now considering, was one of the kind who 
 was never at fault in this particular; but as the 
 number of candidates on her list was very limited 
 she made up in quality what she lacked in quantity. 
 Her plan was this : 
 
 She formed a kind of partnership with a young 
 man, a vagabond of considerable smartness in his 
 way ; and this young man held himself in readi- 
 ness to be introduced at any time and in any char- 
 acter, as a candidate for matrimony. E"ow he was 
 a rich southerner, with a large plantation well 
 stocked with negroes; now a lawyer; now a me- 
 chanic, and now again a doctor or a minister. In 
 fact, during the three months which this office was 
 in operation, the versatile Joseph (for that was his 
 name), was daily introduced to two or three 
 deluded females, in as many different charac- 
 ters. 
 
 It happened that while the conversation between 
 the broker and the widow was in progress, Joseph 
 was in an adjoining apartment; and as soon as 
 the widow withdrew, the broker called him to the 
 
MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 parlor, and pointing through the window to the 
 limping victim, the two indulged in boisterous 
 derision of that unfortunate individual, until she 
 was out of sight. 
 
 " The lame old fool," (such was the refined lan- 
 guage of the broker,) " what does she want of a 
 husband ?" 
 
 " If I marry her," said Joseph, " I will shave 
 off the right foot until it is as short as the left 
 oneX 
 
 "You will marry her," replied the broker. " She's 
 got a handsome property, and it will pay. Do 
 your best with the old woman, Josey, my dear, and 
 swear she is the handsomest woman you ever saw. 
 She is fool enough to swallow all the flattery your 
 lying tongue can roll off, my dear, and you are not 
 bad at that." 
 
 " You really don't mean to have me marry that 
 old thing?" said Joseph, somewhat alarmed, and a 
 good deal surprised. 
 
 " Certainly ; marry her if you can't get her 
 money without it. It is the easiest thing in the 
 world to run away, my dear. How long would it 
 take us, do you think, to change names, and turn 
 up in St. Louis or New Orleans ?" 
 
 " I see," said Joseph ; and in anticipation of the 
 
THE WIDOW IS INTRODUCED. 155 
 
 widow's fortune, a hot punch was speedily served 
 up and consumed. 
 
 The next afternoon the lame widow appeared at 
 the appointed hour; and the agent, with the 
 most winning smile she could command, welcomed 
 her. 
 
 " I am happy to see you," said she, " I have 
 shown the gentleman your likeness, and he is 
 much pleased. He has been here half an hour." 
 
 After allowing the agitated Mrs. G a little 
 
 time to collect her senses, and recover from the 
 fatiguing walk, the wicked Joseph, neatly attired, 
 and well posted in his part, was led in and intro- 
 duced as Mr. Brown of Boston. He told the 
 widow he was spending a few weeks in the city on 
 business, and assured her that nothing had so 
 much pleased him as the opportunity to make her 
 acquaintance. " I was here last evening," said he, 
 "and saw your likeness. I was greatly pleased, 
 but I must say it by no means does you justice. 1 
 will frankly state my circumstances and prospects ; 
 for I profess to be a judge of human nature, and 
 know whom I can trust, the first time I see such a 
 person. 
 
 " I have recently been admitted to practice, and 
 have opened an office in Boston, in company with 
 
156 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 a friend. But it requires considerable time to get 
 started, and although I have already a very good 
 business, I have felt I could not yet afford to 
 marry. But as we understand each other, I shall 
 take the liberty of speaking directly to the point. 
 I have been informed you have some property ; 
 and while I would not for a moment regard this of 
 itself, I will say I have been anxious so find a lady 
 in whom were combined the qualities of intel- 
 ligence, virtue, and beauty, who also had a partial 
 competency. I have not before found such a one ; 
 but in you I see all I have desired." 
 
 It is unnecessary to go into the details of this 
 courtship of hypocrisy on the one hand, and stu- 
 pidity on the other. Suffice it that when the silly 
 
 Mrs. G went home that afternoon, it is difficult 
 
 to say whether she was more pleased or amazed at 
 the sudden success of her matrimonial scheme. 
 That she was engaged to a man combining every 
 desirable quality, she never doubted. 
 
 Joseph visited the widow at her house three or 
 four times, and the wedding-day was fixed. 
 
 But although Joseph was frequently introduced 
 to honest women in the character of a minister, his 
 religion, we are sorry to record, bore a striking 
 resemblance to that of Friar Tuck ; and while he 
 
FOUL AND IIOERID CONSPIRACY. 157 
 
 lacked that famous divine's knowledge of Latin, he 
 was an undoubted thief. He was a thief in a small 
 way, and his robberies seldom rose above the dig- 
 nity of petit larceny. A few days before his 
 appointed wedding, he was in a grocery, purchas- 
 ing some creature comforts for the broker, and 
 while the clerk was absent for a moment, rifled the 
 money-drawer of its contents, was detected in the 
 fact, and locked up in the Tombs. 
 
 No sooner was the unlucky Joseph in this dis- 
 graceful plight, than the broker went to work in 
 his behalf. She learned that the clerk was to be 
 the only witness against him, and^ hastening to 
 
 the widow G , informed that afflicted lady that 
 
 a foul and horrible conspiracy had been entered 
 into, to disgrace her affianced, if not to get rid of 
 
 him ; " and you, Mrs. G ," said the broker, 
 
 " though not in the least to blame, are the cause of 
 all his trouble." 
 
 The widow was terrified by this announcement, 
 and could not see what she had ever done to bring 
 him into such straits. 
 
 " There is a grocer's clerk," replied the broker, 
 " who has for some time been a visitor at my 
 office. He saw you go out of the house the first 
 time you were there, and fell in love with you. 
 
158 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 Kot believing him worthy, I gave him no encou- 
 ragement; but lie went to work and found out 
 that Mr. Brown was engaged to you ; and in order 
 to get him out of the way, has started a story that 
 he -attempted to rob the money-drawer; and it is 
 feared that he will swear to it on trial. But he 
 stole the money himself, and I can prove it ; and 
 when the proper time comes, Mr. Brown will pro- 
 secute him for perjury, and send him to State 
 prison. But as good luck would have it, the clerk 
 did not know Mr. Brown's name, and he has given 
 another to the officers, so he will not be disgraced 
 by this business after all." 
 
 Mrs. G expressed the wish that Heaven 
 
 would confound the wicked schemes of the ungodly 
 clerk, and that the broker would have him arrested 
 for perjury at once ; but being solemnly assured 
 that she had powerful reasons for delay, was pacified. 
 
 On the very day which was to have seen Joseph 
 united to the widow, the wretch was brought up in 
 the court of Special Sessions that deliberative and 
 dignified tribunal in which about two hours are 
 
 O 
 
 required to clean a calendar of fifty cases, in a 
 manner that reflects illustrious honor upon our elec- 
 tive judiciary and was there tried for petit larceny. 
 Joseph, as has already been intimated, was not 
 
159 
 
 arraigned under any one of his previous names, 
 but took a new one for the occasion. The court- 
 room was filled to suffocation with a red-faced, 
 
 blear-eyed, and hard-tip crowd, which Mrs. G 
 
 supposed had come for the sole purpose of seeing 
 her lover's case disposed of. The grocer's clerk 
 was sworn, and testified positively to the facts. 
 An Irish lawyer (commonly called a " shyster "), 
 attempted a cross-examination, but was soon 
 " swamped ;" it was like working a dry pump. 
 
 "Have you any witnesses?" demanded the court. 
 
 The " shyster " replied that the defence had been 
 taken by surprise by the evidence of the grocer's 
 clerk ; that being conscious of innocence, and well 
 aware that the charge proceeded from feelings of 
 personal hostility to the prisoner, and was in fact 
 only a conspiracy to rob him of his good name 
 among men, they had not supposed the charge 
 would be sustained ; they had no idea Mr. Sand- 
 ford (the clerk) would carry the passion of revenge 
 so far as to perjure himself to gain an unjust 
 advantage over a fellow-being. Therefore, they 
 had taken no measures to prove an alibi, which 
 might easily have been done. But since Mr. Sand- 
 ford's presumption had soared so high; since he 
 had sworn to what he knew to be false, from 
 
160 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 motives of revenge, the defence must abide the 
 decision of the court, and they should content 
 themselves by proving the previous good character 
 of the prisoner. They were prepared to show by 
 witnesses of the highest respectability, that his 
 standing in the community was second to none; 
 and he hoped the court, if it must find him guilty, 
 would not inflict upon the defendant the disgrace 
 of imprisonment, but content itself with a light 
 fine, which he understood a lady in court was 
 ready to pay. 
 
 To this proposition Mrs. G nodded assent, 
 
 and the court expressed a readiness to hear what- 
 ever might be offered to establish good character. 
 
 The shyster then called Mrs. B , the broker, 
 
 who testified that she had known the prisoner for a 
 great many years, and that he was a gentleman of 
 unquestioned integrity. A man whom nobody 
 knew also swore to his good character, and the evi- 
 dence for the defence closed. 
 
 Unfortunately for the broker and her favorite, 
 however, the usage of courts allows rebutting testi- 
 mony, and the plaintiff's lawyer availed himself of 
 this advantage. The police officer who made the 
 arrest was called, and swore that the prisoner was 
 an old thief, well known to the police that lie had 
 
MR. BROWN AN OLD THIEF. 161 
 
 served two terms at least, upon Blackwell's Island, 
 and lie believed three ; that his portrait adorned 
 the collection of pictures at police headquarters, 
 known as "The Thieves' Gallery," that the sen- 
 tences which consigned him to the Island were on 
 the records of the very court before which he was 
 then tried ; and finally, that the only reason the 
 rascal was not recognized by the court was, pro- 
 bably, owing to the fact that he had shaven his 
 whiskers and moustaches. This evidence was coro- 
 borated by the statement of another officer : and 
 finally, the judge himself recollected having sen- 
 tenced the prisoner on a former occasion. 
 
 The court said he could not consent to let the 
 prisoner off with a fine. He was a dangerous char- 
 acter, and must be dealt with accordingly. He 
 therefore sentenced him to the Penitentiary for 
 four months. 
 
 The widow was convinced that Mr. Brown of 
 
 Boston was a humbug, and that Mrs. B , the 
 
 broker, was a humbug also, which opinion she 
 expressed very freely, and threatened to prosecute 
 
 them as swindlers ; but Mrs. B did not give 
 
 her an opportunity. She moved suddenly, changed 
 her name, and adopted a new business, as honor- 
 able and lucrative as the old trade. 
 
CHAPTER XY1. 
 
 Betty Ballou, and her "Menagerie" at Taylor's Saloon Seven 
 Hopeful Individuals in a Row Why they were there and what 
 came of It. 
 
 THOSE who have taken tlie trouble to look over the 
 advertising columns of the New York Herald have 
 observed advertisements under the head of " Matri- 
 monial," in which persons of both sexes announce 
 themselves as candidates, -and invite correspond- 
 ence with this view. If we believe these announce- 
 ments, the advertisers, almost without exception, 
 are patterns of modesty, virtue, honor and intelli- 
 gence ; generally, too, of refinement, wealth and 
 high social position. 
 
 It is not very long since an advertisement in- 
 formed the public that a young lady of good 
 education and accomplished manners, being con- 
 vinced that the formalities of society are mostly 
 absurd and restrictive of free individual develop- 
 ment, would like to correspond with a man of 
 independence and sense, with a view to matrimony. 
 She was twenty years of age, moved in respectable 
 society, and believed she could make a good man 
 
 162 
 
DEFOE TO MISS BALLOU. 1G3 
 
 happy. Any sucli person was invited to address 
 Betty Ballon, at the Union Square post-office. 
 
 A young' man answered this advertisement, 
 under the signature of Julius B. Defoe, as follows : 
 
 " Miss BETTY BALLOU : I have read your advertisement in this 
 morning's Herald, and have not the slightest hesitation in saying 
 
 that I am a man of sense. That I am a man of independence 
 
 f 
 
 would clearly appear to you if we should ever be married, for I 
 would not promise to pay any more attention to a wife than I 
 chose ; and if I wanted to go to the theatre or opera with some- 
 body else, as I probably should, I should do it in spite of her. In 
 short, she could do as she pleased, if she chose to, and if she didn't, 
 I'd make her, and I should do as I pleased, whether she was willing 
 or not. If that is not independent enough for you, I beg you not 
 to answer this letter. 
 
 " That I am sensible clearly appears from my mode of life. In 
 the first place, I have spacious apartments with a private family in 
 Fifth Avenue, and manage my affairs in Wall street with about 
 four hours' labor per diem in such a manner that I have as much 
 money as I want to spend or give away, go where I have a mind 
 to, smoke in the parlor when at home, and get drunk as often as I 
 am disposed. 
 
 " If this suits you, write and address me at the Broadway post- 
 office. If it don't, do what you like. 
 
 " I will say, however, that I should be happy to see you, and 
 think you will not find me a savage. If you are disposed to gratify 
 me, state when and where we can have an interview. 
 
 " Yours respectfully, " JULIUS B. DEFOE.'' 
 
 Three days after depositing the above letter in 
 
164: MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 the Union Square post-office, Mr. Defoe called at 
 the Broadway office and found a reply awaiting 
 him. It was written in a neat, plain hand, and the 
 purport of it was, that Miss Betty was curious to 
 see him, but was conscious of the impropriety of 
 inviting a stranger to call upon her. If, however, 
 he would be at Taylor's Saloon at two o'clock on a 
 certain day, he would meet her there. " Go as far 
 back as you can," said the letter, " on the left hand 
 side, take a newspaper in your hand and read, so I 
 may know you. When I enter, I will recognize 
 you with a nod ; then, please, come and sit by me." 
 
 A few minutes before the appointed time, Mr. 
 Defoe, having provided himself with a newspaper, 
 went to the place designated, took a seat as 
 requested, and commenced reading. He soon 
 observed a young man enter, walk near him, and 
 look annoyed at his presence. Finally, however, 
 the stranger sat down immediately in front of him, 
 and with many looks expressive of " what business 
 have you here ?" also took out a paper and com- 
 menced reading. 
 
 "Unfortunate," thought Mr. Defoe. "If this 
 fellow keeps on reading, she may mistake him for 
 myself. However, when she sees he does not 
 recognize her, she will try me." 
 
SEVEN MEN IN A ROW. 165 
 
 While these thoughts were passing through his 
 mind, an elderly gentleman, with a very red nose, 
 also came up, and politely requested Mr. Defoe to 
 go forward and give him the seat he occupied. " I 
 would not ask it sir," he added, " had I not particu- 
 lar reasons, which I need not explain, for doing 
 so." 
 
 "And I," rejoined Defoe, "would not deny so 
 reasonable a request had I not particular reasons, 
 which I need not explain, for doing so." 
 
 The elderly genleman seemed a good deal dis- 
 appointed, but taking the last unoccupied seat back, 
 also took out a paper and commenced reading. 
 
 " Nothing remarkable," soliloquized Mr. Defoe, 
 "in three men reading papers at the same time, 
 in a row; yet, under the circumstances, it is a 
 singular coincidence." And this suggestion de- 
 rived additional weight from the fact that few other 
 persons in the saloon were at that time reading. 
 
 But Mr. Defoe's astonishment was considerably 
 increased when a third, a fourth, a fifth, a sixth, 
 and finally, a seventh, entered, and each in his turn 
 seemed anxious to get a rear seat, but failing in 
 this, took the last one unoccupied, each at the same 
 time commencing immediately to read. 
 
 Mr. Defoe thought there was something strange 
 
166 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 in this, and as mystery always pleased him, could 
 not suppress a smile at the anxiety and distress of 
 the literary strangers, who while they held papers 
 in their hands, looked around the saloon. 
 
 " I think the girl has sold me," he said to him- 
 self, and good-naturedly dropping the paper from 
 his hand, was about to order a beef-steak when he 
 saw a young lady enter the right door. She was 
 tall, graceful in her movements, had keen black 
 eyes, and was richly though not gaudily dressed. 
 She passed down the opposite aisle with a manner 
 somewhat haughty, cast a furtive glance along the 
 line of gentlemen who held papers in their hands, 
 and finally gave Mr. Defoe an unmistakable nod of 
 recognition. 
 
 He returned the salutation as if he had met an 
 old friend, and immediately joined her. 
 
 " Mr. Defoe, I presume," said the pretty lady. 
 
 " The same, and happy to meet you, Miss Bal- 
 lou," he replied. 
 
 " Tell me, Mr. Defoe, what you thought of my 
 advertisement." 
 
 " I thought it very singular that a female should 
 want a man of sense and independence for a hus- 
 band so I answered it. "What did you think of 
 my reply ?" 
 
TIIE MYSTERY EXPLAINED. 167 
 
 " I thought much. In the first place, that you 
 were not handsome, and I am not disappointed. 
 Also, that you were not dressed like a dandy, which 
 is also true. Also, that you did not mean what 
 you said, which of course is true." 
 
 " Then why did you answer me ?" 
 
 " Because I thought so. You do not suppose 
 a sensible woman would advertise for a husband, 
 with an honest motive ; and I know that no honest 
 man would write such a letter as you did. I did 
 not come to compliment you, as you find." 
 
 " I will not complain that you flatter me." 
 
 Refreshments were served up, and the conversa- 
 tion, though necessarily carried on in a low tone, 
 became animated. 
 
 "Pray tell me," said Mr. Defoe, "the precise 
 motive you had in publishing such an advertise- 
 ment, and in meeting me here ?" 
 
 " I did it for fun. It was always my disposition. 
 Do you see that row of men over there, near where 
 you were sitting, each with a newspaper ?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " Well, those deluded gentlemen all came here 
 at my solicitation. They all answered my adver- 
 tisement; I wrote to them precisely as I did to 
 you. I wrote the letter you received, and my sister 
 
168 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 made twelve copies of it, which were dispatched to 
 as many gentlemen. Seven of them, it seems, have 
 accepted the invitation, and are waiting for me." 
 
 " And what will you do ?" 
 
 " Nothing. I did not expect to recognize them. 
 I came to enjoy the sport of seeing them who 
 expected to fool me fooled instead; to watch the 
 ludicrous expressions ^ of anxiety and disappoint- 
 ment. They are dishonest, selfish, ignorant men, I 
 am sure, or they would not have written as they 
 did. In fact, I am sure that an honest man would 
 .not have written at all. Now see them! They 
 look over the top of their papers as if a sheriff was 
 after them." 
 
 " And you came here to laugh at them ?" 
 
 " Certainly. This is my menagerie of tamed ani- 
 mals. I took them wild ; but I fancy this discipline 
 will domesticate them." 
 
 " Why is it that you have honored me above all 
 the rest, and do not laugh at my calamity in com- 
 mon with theirs ?" 
 
 " Because you wrote an absurd letter. I saw at 
 once you did not intend to have me believe you. 
 But those animals supposed I was foolish enough to 
 think they meant what they said. I would not 
 trust a soul of them with my dinner. They tlionghc 
 
THE MENAGERIE IN DISORDER. 169 
 
 to deceive me, pcrliaps get some of my property, 
 and at any rate to get into the society I move in." 
 
 " And how did you know I was the person who 
 wrote over the name of Defoe ?" 
 
 "The simplest thing in the world. You sat 
 there with a broad grin on your face, with a look 
 of perfect indifference. The paper lay beside you 
 on the table, as I knew it would if I was five 
 minutes behind time. You were thinking you had 
 been sold, and that Betty Ballou had played you a 
 good trick. The others were anxious and uneasy. 
 They were meditating the schemes which brought 
 them here." 
 
 "Your name, of course, is not Ballou?" sug- 
 gested Defoe. 
 
 " No more than yours is Defoe," replied she. 
 
 The "menagerie" was by this time in a state of 
 disorder. The " animals," uneasy at the delay of 
 the expected, called for different articles of diet 
 and drink, and one by one withdrew. Mr. Defoe 
 also expressed regrets at parting, but said he must 
 go. 
 
 " Must our acquaintance end here ?" he asked. 
 
 " Yes, unless you should chance to get acquainted 
 with my husband, and he should invite you to his 
 house, in which case I shall be happy to see you as 
 
 
j^ MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 his friend. He does business in street, "No. . 
 
 I should not like to have him know of this adven- 
 ture ; but I must have some amusement. If you 
 ever know him you will not mention it." 
 
 Mr. Defoe pledged his honor not to reveal the 
 fact to him, and bade her adieu. 
 
CHAPTEE XVII. 
 
 The shrewd Speculation of Mr. John Smith How Miss Jane 
 invested $3,000 How Mr. John Smith was himself speculated 
 upon, and the Wrath which it excited. 
 
 ME. JOHN SMITH (not the one whose name appears 
 in the New York Directory), is a man of unlimited 
 brass, an unscrupulous liar, and as great a rascal as 
 his limited brains will allow. 
 
 About a year ago Smith went to a matrimonial 
 office in Yarick street, and after satisfying himself 
 that the keeper thereof was as mean as he to wit, 
 as mean as she knew how to be he laid before her 
 the following pleasant scheme of speculation : 
 
 " There's a girl up town that's got over three 
 thousand dollars, clear cash ; and I need it. She's 
 an English girl that came to !N~ew York about a 
 year ago, with her father, and they took rooms ; 
 but before the old man got into business he was 
 taken sick and died. She let the rooms to a family 
 and took board with 'em ; the old woman that took 
 the house bosses that girl just as though she was 
 her own daughter, won't let her stir out of the 
 
 in 
 
172 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 house alone, day-time, nor night-time, nor go to 
 any amusements; and the girl, like a silly one, 
 minds her like a mother. The old man was a 
 widower, you see, and left her his money it was 
 about $4,000 in hard cash, and I think, by the way 
 in which she minds the old woman, she can be 
 easily managed, if we can once get hold of her. 
 I've tried hard to think of some way to gel 
 acquainted with her, but haven't made it out ; and 
 now I'll make you a good offer : if you'll get the 
 girl to come here and be introduced, and I can get 
 her $3,000, I'll give you one thousand ; and if I 
 don't get all of it, I'll give you a third of what I do 
 get." 
 
 "I'll do my best for you," replied the matri- 
 monial agent ; " and you must do your best. 
 You're good-looking, and if you can manage to put 
 on the proper airs of an educated and rich man, 
 and a sentimental one, too, I think we'll fix it. I'll 
 guarantee that you shall be introduced to her be- 
 fore the week ends." 
 
 " I've as good jewelry as a man needs," said 
 Smith, confirming the assertion by showing an 
 elegant breast-pin. In fact, Smith knew " how to 
 live on nothing a year " as well as Becky Sharp. 
 
 "That's very good in its way," suggested the 
 
SMITH ADVERTISES. 173 
 
 broker; but if the girl has ever studied English 
 grammar, you'll have hard work to make her think 
 you're educated. There's only one thing about it ; 
 I must write your speeches, and you must learn 
 them by heart." 
 
 " So much the better," said Smith ; " that will 
 save me the trouble." 
 
 The details of the virtuous scheme were fully 
 settled, and the next day an advertisement ap- 
 peared in a morning paper, representing that a 
 young man, twenty-four years old, of unexception- 
 able habits, domestic tastes and abundant means, 
 desired to make the acquaintance of a young lady 
 about eighteen years of age, with a view to matri- 
 mony. As the advertiser was perfectly sincere, 
 none need answer except in good faith. Any sin- 
 cere person, who could give undoubted evidences 
 
 of respectability, might call upon Mrs. , ISTo. 
 
 Varick street, who was acquainted with the adver- 
 tiser, and who would satisfy her as to his honorable 
 standing and intentions. All communications 
 would remain strictly confidential. 
 
 Smith and the broker were satisfied that this 
 advertisement of itself would not be sufficient, even 
 if the young lady should see it, which was quite 
 improbable ; and the next afternoon, according to 
 the broker's instructions, Smith stationed himself 
 
174: MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 near the girl's residence, and watched, in hopes that 
 her self-constituted and inexorable guardian would 
 leave the house. But his monotonous watch, which 
 was only enlivened by frequent potations at a bar 
 on the corner, was in vain. 
 
 Next afternoon, however, it was renewed, and 
 this time with success. The landlady went out, 
 and now was the time for the grand experiment. 
 In a few minutes a note was left at the door, which 
 read as follows : 
 
 " NEW YORK, November 23d, 185T. 
 
 " Miss JANE : You arc not without friends. I know the miser- 
 able imprisonment you suffer. What business is it to her where 
 you go or what you do? She is your tenant; why are you afraid 
 of her ? I have seen and admired you know that you are capable 
 of enjoying life, and being an ornament to the society in which 
 you move. I send you an advertisement which I cut from a 
 morning paper. I do not know the gentleman who advertises, but 
 
 I do know Mrs. to be an upright, and good woman, and I 
 
 advise you to go and see her. You can depend upon what she 
 says, and she will keep everything strictly secret. Of course you 
 need not be introduced unless you choose to ; but I am sure you 
 will be greatly benefited by visiting her. It may be the means of 
 introducing you to good society at once. I was married at a matri- 
 monial office, and have always been very happy with my husband. 
 Whether you go or not, be sure that this is the advice of 
 
 "A SINCERE FRIEND. 
 
 " P. S. The reason I do not sign this with my own name is 
 
 that I am a relative of Mrs. your tenant, and she would be 
 
 very angry at me if she should know /wrote it." 
 
JANE IN THE LION ? S DEN. 175 
 
 Poor Jane was not a little puzzled by this note, 
 " It is evidently some one that knows both of us," 
 she thought ; " some one that knows how I am 
 abused, but don't dare say anything openly. She 
 is a married woman, too, and I am sure she can 
 have no motive for deceiving me. But is it a 
 proper place to go to? She says the agent is 
 honorable, and it will never be known." 
 
 Jane argued the question a long time, looked as 
 she thought, upon all sides of it, and finally con- 
 cluded to go the same afternoon, when she could 
 do so without the knowledge of her tenant. 
 
 No sooner had she entered the house of the 
 broker, however, to the great delight of Smith, 
 who anxiously spied her movements, than her 
 mind misgave her, and making some trifling 
 excuse, was about to retire, when the broker came 
 to the rescue of the joint speculation, by entering 
 into a lively conversation, which soon won the con- 
 fidence of the unsuspecting Jane so completely, 
 that she ventured, with many blushes, to mention 
 the advertisement, which she produced. 
 
 " I am glad you have come," said the broker, 
 after glancing at the advertisement, " I like your 
 looks. I know the gentleman who advertises. He 
 is one of the most worthy and respectable men in 
 
176 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 New York. Besides liis good qualities lie is very 
 rich, and an excellent business man. His father 
 had so much confidence in him that he gave the 
 charge of his whole business to him before he was 
 of age. He, of course, has a large circle of female 
 acquaintances those who move in what is called 
 the best society but he is one of the few men who 
 will not marry merely for worldly advantage, but 
 is determined to marry for love, without reference 
 to the circumstances of his wife. I have known 
 him intimately for a great many years, and under- 
 stand his habits, disposition and tastes, almost as 
 well as though he were my own son ; and I am satis- 
 fied he will like you. A number of ladies have 
 called Before you, but I understood him so well I 
 would not introduce them ; I know it would be a 
 waste of time. But I am so well pleased with you 
 that I shall introduce you, if you will consent, after 
 making such inquiries about you as I feel bound to 
 make "in every instance. 
 
 " The truth is, many women come here that I 
 will not permit to come the second time. They 
 are bad persons, who do not understand the true 
 character of this place. I never introduce parties 
 until I am perfectly satisfied of their respectability ; 
 and it has often happened that when I required 
 
PROFESSIONS OF HONESTY. 177 
 
 references, they have left without giving any ; and 
 sometimes, when I have obtained references, and 
 called upon them, the persons referred to had no 
 knowledge of the party at all, or were themselves 
 persons I could not trust. Were I to introduce 
 everybody promiscuously, I should soon get into 
 trouble. 
 
 "I do not mean to intimate that I doubt your 
 representations ; for I am a judge of human nature, 
 and believe you to be perfectly honest. But to 
 prevent all possibility of mistake, I shall pursue 
 my usual course, and make inquiries; and when 
 satisfied, I shall give you references, so that you 
 can satisfy yourself of the gentleman's character; 
 then there can be no deception on either side ; for 
 I do perfectly despise a person that will deceive 
 even in the smallest way." 
 
 Jane's honest soul was greatly delighted with the 
 woman's inflexible integrity, and she told all about 
 herself, where her acquaintances lived, and invited 
 her to her house, where she hoped she would be 
 convinced that all her representations were true. 
 
 Several days elapsed, during which the broker 
 called upon Jane, and professed to have made 
 inquiries and to be perfectly satisfied, at the same 
 time giving a list of distinguished persons as 
 
 8* 
 
178 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 references for Smith, but Jane was so well satisfied 
 that she never took the trouble to call on any of 
 them. 
 
 After a long mental conflict, Jane consented 
 to be introduced, and Mr. Smith put on the very 
 blandest and most fascinating manners of which 
 he was capable. He was well aware that modesty 
 and respect although he possessed neither were 
 the qualities most needed, and he succeeded well in 
 assuming them. 
 
 "Mrs. , I have no doubt," said he, "has 
 
 told you my circumstances ; and first of all I wish 
 you to be convinced of my perfect sincerity. I 
 hope, above all, to retain your respect, and to show 
 you by every act that I fully mean' all I profess. 
 They tell us in books and sermons that there is 
 much deception in the world, and I suppose we 
 must believe there is ; but I am sure there are per- 
 sons above it." 
 
 By many similar speeches, all of which were 
 carefully committed in advance, from the original 
 manuscript of the broker, as well as by his respect- 
 ful behavior and manners, Smith gained ground 
 rapidly in Jane's good opinion, and in about four 
 weeks they were engaged. 
 
 " Now," Smith said to the broker, " I have spent 
 
A FRIENDLY FAVOR. 179 
 
 more time in this business than in any job I ever 
 undertook before in my life, and I'm bound to have 
 the money." 
 
 " You shall," replied the broker, " you shall have 
 it at once." 
 
 Jane called that afternoon, and the broker 
 repeated the praises of Smitlr s business talents ; 
 said he was intrusted with thousands of dollars 
 every year by his friends, who got him to invest it 
 for them, he always turned it to such good ac- 
 count ; and that she, herself, whenever she had 
 any money to spare, let him have it ; that he always 
 paid ten per cent., and refunded whenever it was 
 needed. 
 
 " I have a little money, as you know," said Jane, 
 "between three and four thousand dollars, that 
 I have kept in the bank ever since father died, 
 and I wish some good business man had it. Do 
 you suppose he would like to take so small an 
 amount ?" 
 
 " Oh, yes, from any friend he would, and from 
 you especially ; he will do anything for you. Of 
 course it is no object to him ; he has money 
 enough of his own ; but I am sure it would give 
 him great pleasure to do you a favor of that 
 kind." 
 
180 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 " Besides," suggested Jane, gratefully, u if I 
 should make him the offer, it would show him that 
 I had perfect confidence in him." 
 
 " So it would," said the broker. 
 
 The matter was thus settled "before Mr. Smith's 
 arrival, and the happy pair had not been convers- 
 ing long before Jane, expressing profound gratitude 
 for Mr. Smith's condescension in loving a person of 
 her humble station, begged that he would take 
 three thousand dollars of her money, and use it as 
 he thought best. 
 
 "Really," said Smith, "I am very grateful to 
 you for this additional evidence of your confidence. 
 If you are desirous that I should take the money, 
 I think I can invest it advantageously, where it 
 will be perfectly secure, and draw at least ten 
 per cent. I shall, however, insist upon securing 
 you." 
 
 " I do not want any security," said Jane. " Please 
 take it, won't you, and use it as you like ?" 
 
 " I will certainly do whatever you wish ; but you 
 will at least allow me to give you a receipt or note 
 for it." 
 
 " You may do as you like about that," replied 
 Jane ; " but I don't see any need of it." 
 
 It was agreed that the money should be drawn 
 
181 
 
 from the bank immediately, and paid over next 
 day, and Smith, in view of his good prospects, re- 
 joiced exceedingly.. 
 
 But the matrimonial broker had plans regarding 
 which she had not consulted Mr. Smith ; and the 
 next morning Jane was sent for, and soon made 
 her appearance with the money. The broker gave 
 her the tenderest of kisses, and the sweetest of 
 smiles. 
 
 "Mr. Smith," said she, "came here late last 
 evening, and informed me that he was subpoenaed 
 as a witness in an important trial, and must leave 
 for Albany on the earliest train this morning. 
 Previously, however, he had arranged for investing 
 your money, and as the gentleman wants it to-day, 
 he left his receipt with me, together with a request 
 that you would pay me the amount, as you see," at 
 the same time exhibiting the order and receipt. 
 " He will return in two days, and wishes you to 
 meet him here on Friday at three o'clock." 
 
 Jane, though disappointed at not meeting her 
 lover, cheerfully paid the money and retired. 
 
 At three o'clock the same afternoon, Smith, 
 having recovered from the debauchery of the pre- 
 vious night, and properly attired himself, set out 
 for the office, revolving in his mind a scheme for 
 
182 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 pocketing the three thousand, and escaping a divi- 
 sion with the broker. " It's all nonsense," said he, 
 " to give her a thousand. What is it to her ? She's 
 dishonest as Satan, and I might as well keep the 
 whole." 
 
 Mr. Smith, therefore, was considerably taken 
 aback, on reaching the house, to find it closed and 
 apparently deserted. He rang the bell and swore 
 alternately, and with equal vehemence. But both 
 were alike vain. The matrimonial broker, in fact, 
 reflecting upon her scanty receipts, upon her bills 
 for a quarter's rent of house and furniture, to say 
 nothing of coal and provision bills, had pocketed 
 the money and ended her troubles by " removing 
 the ranch." 
 
 Mr. Smith saw at once that he was worsted, and 
 contemplated legal measures ; but, unfortunately, he 
 discovered that an investigation would be very 
 likely to send him to State Prison, as well as his 
 accomplice ; and the more Mr. Smith reflected, the 
 more was he convinced that he was helpless. He 
 could only swear, which he did in a very satisfac- 
 tory manner, and to the full extent of his limited 
 philological attainments. 
 
 Jane went on the appointed day to meet her 
 betrothed, but it is unnecessary to say she has never 
 
A SENSIBLE RESOLUTION. 183 
 
 seen him. After the sufferings inseparable from 
 the discovery that she had been deceived and 
 swindled, she sensibly declined to die with grief, 
 and taking the little money she had saved, went to 
 the country and is teaching school. The broker, 
 under another name, is telling fortunes in "New 
 Fork. 
 
CHAPTER XYIII. 
 
 Matrimonial Office in Broadway Robinson the Philanthropist A 
 Human Rival of the Long Island Mastodon The Trials and 
 Sufferings of Mr. J. W. B. Johnson Letter of a Matrimonial 
 Broker A Peruvian in search of a Wife Effect of his Applica- 
 tion in the Rural Districts. 
 
 A "MATRIMONIAL Brokerage Office" so it was 
 called in the advertisement was opened in Hud- 
 son street, in the fall of 1857, by "Willams and 
 Robinson, and was subsequently removed to 534 
 Broadway, where it dispensed its blessings to man 
 and womankind, until the keeper thereof, for a 
 reason which he never made public, suddenly shut 
 up shop and disappeared. The partnership was 
 dissolved in the spring of 1858, after which Robin- 
 son carried on the business alone. 
 
 Mr. Robinson, the continuer of the office, and 
 the dispenser of marital bliss, is a man of faith ; 
 and his faith is in matrimonial brokerage. Con- 
 vinced that all men who are born of woman have a 
 mission on this sublunary sphere, he has come to 
 the conclusion that he has a mission, and that it is 
 
 184 
 
> THE MISSION OF ROBINSON. 185 
 
 to make matches matches connubial, not lucifer 
 the fees thereof being merely incidental. He has 
 " consented," " seeing the necessities and demands 
 of the age," to devote all his abilities natural, 
 acquired, and stolen to disseminating conjugal 
 beatitudes, helping helpless and hopeless old maids 
 to win previously frigid old bachelors, and despair- 
 ing damsels to find congenial and attractive mates. 
 
 The philanthropic, unselfish, and" entirely self- 
 sacrificing Mr. Robinson, having the fear of statute- 
 books, police magistrates and lawyers before his 
 eyes, declareth, that when he opened his office he 
 took counsel as to what the law in verity saith, 
 " being desirous," to use his own memorable words, 
 " not to be hauled up as a swindler !" 
 
 The apprehension of such a possible contingency 
 did not, of course, originate in any disposition on 
 his part to defraud or swindle ; but in looking over 
 the long list of martyrs whose names are enrolled 
 on the archives of Blackwell's Island, and the 
 longer list which, in common estimation, ought to 
 be there, he concluded that, like other philosophers 
 and philanthropists, he was in advance of the age ; 
 and that public opinion, often blind and infatuated, 
 and even judges upon the bench, or juries in the 
 box, might mistake philanthropy for fraud. 
 
186 MATEIMONIAL BEOKEEAGE. 
 
 It is probable that one of the most painful things 
 the philanthropic Robinson encounters in his busi- 
 ness, is the necessity of charging anything for his 
 services. But as he cannot buy even Graham bread 
 without drachmae, he resolved to put money in his 
 purse ; in consequence whereof, all persons seeking 
 his assistance in getting mated, irrespective of age, 
 sex, color, or condition, are required to deposit a 
 fee in advance. "Without this, Mr. Robinson abso- 
 lutely declines to take a single step in their behalf. 
 But let it be observed, there is no speculation in 
 those eyes that he does glare with. 
 
 With this fee the candidate leaves a name and 
 references, with description of his person and cir- 
 cumstances. But he generally finds to his sorrow 
 that he has shouldered a blind speculation; and 
 that he is much less likely to grope into the good 
 graces of a rich widow or charming damsel than 
 into a pit of despair. 
 
 Mr. J. W. B. Johnson had an interesting experi- 
 ence in this matrimonial office. 
 
 Mr. J. "W. B. Johnson, in height, will compare 
 favorably with the mastodon recently discovered on 
 Long Island. The size of the foot and general for- 
 mation of the limb, likewise, are not unlike the 
 corresponding portions of that animal. But the 
 
MR. JOHNSON'S PERSONAL APPEARANCE. 187 
 
 body has thus far been unable to keep pace with 
 the growth of the huge leviathanic legs on which 
 it has been elevated, and looks more like the 
 steeple than the second story of the structure. 
 
 Notwithstanding his immense height, Mr. John- 
 son is not above the ordinary emotions of mankind, 
 and observing Mr. Robinson's advertisement in the 
 papers, wrote, making sundry pertinent inquiries, 
 to which, in due time, he received a letter in reply, 
 of which the following is an exact copy : 
 
 " Robinson & Williams 
 
 Corresponding Agency 
 No. 534 Broadway 
 
 N. Y. April 7th 68 
 
 " Sir yours of the 6 came to hand this day and If you could call 
 and see us we may do something In your case you need have no 
 fear to call, for you will see no one but us as our office Is private, I 
 have some ladies I. think will suit, call between 9 & 10 In the Morn- 
 ing, as we have few calls until afternoon. 
 
 " Respectfully 
 
 " ROBINSON & WILLIAMS." 
 
 The next day, after receiving this epistle, Mr. 
 Johnson carried his immense feet up Broadway, 
 and after lifting them up two nights of stairs, he 
 found Mr. Robinson seated at a desk, in a small 
 office. 
 
 The usual meteorological civilities having been 
 
188 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 exchanged, Mr. Johnson proceeded to enter his 
 name and age, and a detailed description of hi 
 general health, personal appearance, circumstar 
 and habits, together with a description of the kinc 
 of wife he wanted. Of this latter description, we 
 can say nothing more than that neither Ovid's 
 Ars Amoris, the Memoirs of Ninon de 1'Enclos, 
 Anacreon's Odes, Cervantes' Exemplary Novels, 
 Bocaccio's Decameron, nor the latest Encyclo- 
 paedia of Renowned "Women, contains such another. 
 Mr. Johnson obtained the name and residence of 
 a female candidate, which read as follows : 
 
 " Lee, 
 
 No. 83 So. 3d St., Williamsburg." 
 
 Mr. Johnson started for the place, and with that 
 attention to the geographical qualities of a straight 
 line and the arc of great circles, which indicated a 
 confidence in the results of science, and more than 
 the fidelity of a magnetic needle, in his palpitating 
 heart. He very naturally expected to find a dwel- 
 ling house at 83, but was somewhat taken aback, on 
 reaching the spot, to find, instead, a Universalist 
 meeting-house. 
 
 Mr. Johnson was next given the address of a 
 widow in 14th street, and advised to write to her. 
 
MU. JOHNSON AWAITS A LETTER. 189 
 
 The reply was to be directed to Mr. Robinson, and 
 by him delivered to Mr. Johnson. 
 
 Mr. Johnson wrote. Mr. Johnson waited three 
 days. Mr. Johnson went to the matrimonial office 
 for a reply, but received none. Mr. Johnson waited 
 a week; and again went for a reply, and again 
 found none. Mr. Johnson repeated this interesting 
 process eight or ten times, more or less, with the 
 same result ; after which Mr. Johnson became 
 weary of carrying his extremities up Broadway, 
 and after debating whether to proceed to extrem- 
 ities with the unreliable Mr. Robinson, he con- 
 cluded to let Mr. Robinson keep the fee unmo- 
 lested; and to this day Mr. Johnson remains as 
 unmarried as he was before he paid it. 
 
 One day a Peruvian called upon the philosophic 
 and philanthropic Robinson to get a wife. He 
 was up here, he said, on business, and declared 
 himself the possessor of innumerable drachmae. 
 In his opinion, he should confer an immense honor 
 upon - any female to whom he gave his mongrel 
 hand. 
 
 This black son of the tropics wanted a light com- 
 plexioned girl a fact going to establish the truth 
 of the poet's assertion, that 
 
 " things most opposite 
 
 To things most opposite do sometimes cling." 
 
190 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 The bride must be rich and accomplished like 
 himself. If sucli a one could be found, he would 
 give her an A "No. 1 social position, and take her 
 through Europe on his return home. 
 
 Robinson was in no doubt as to the propriety of 
 pocketing the fee ; but after that was paid, he was 
 in considerable doubt as to the result. "This 
 man," thought he, " is as black as the devil's beard ; 
 he lives some thousands of miles off. It is a hard 
 case." 
 
 He told the Peruvian that it was doubtful 
 whether a lady of the description wanted could be 
 found in ~New York willing to marry him, for the 
 reason that such have as good chances at home ; 
 but in the country it often happened that rich 
 and accomplished girls find no congenial society, 
 and he believed he could " make a raise " among 
 some of his female correspondents in the rural dis- 
 tricts. 
 
 The philanthropic Robinson accordingly sent out 
 an indefinite number of letters to rural damsels, 
 containing a minute description of the Peruvian, 
 and setting forth the advantages of an alliance 
 with him. One of these missives found its way 
 about four hundred miles into the interior, where a 
 precious flower, hitherto blushing unseen, was wast- 
 ing its sweetness on the unappreciating air. 
 
RURAL HEART IN A FLUTTER. 191 
 
 Tliis maid had money ; she could play the piano, 
 was light complexioned, and not bad looking. 
 Numerous were the hands which had been, or 
 might have been offered her ; but aspiring to a more 
 honorable alliance, she had, with wanton tyranny, 
 trampled rustic hearts into the gravel, as though 
 they were worms or bugs, and returned only abhor- 
 rence and scorn for the glances of love and admira- 
 tion. 
 
 But when Mr. Robinson's epistle reached her, it 
 was her turn to be moved, and she was immedi- 
 ately in no less of a flutter than that she had so 
 often created among the rustics with impunity. 
 
 Bright visions of a European tour numberless 
 servants in livery nameless wealth high social 
 position, flitted through her intoxicated brain. 
 
 She immediately replied to Mr. Eobinson's epis- 
 tle, stating that she flattered herself she answered 
 the description of the article wanted by the Peru- 
 vian, and expressing a willingness to marry the 
 Senor, provided he was not a humbug, as of course 
 he was not, being backed by the honest Mr. Robin- 
 son. 
 
 One of the saddest things the writer has to con- 
 template is the almost constant necessity under 
 which he finds himself of recording the sudden 
 
192 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 blowing up of human hopes. But Sancho Panza 
 said, " Let every man's fate kill him ;" and as the 
 author is only giving a plain unvarnished tale of 
 naked facts, he is not at liberty to draw the pleas- 
 ing veil of romance over these realities, even to 
 save the hopes of a rural maiden from sudden des- 
 truction. 
 
 Her letter was received and laid before the 
 tropical being. He read it several times with 
 great deliberation, seated in an easy-chair, with 
 his legs elevated at an angle of forty-five degrees, 
 and a delicious Havana in his mouth, the honest 
 Robinson meanwhile awaiting the result with phil- 
 osophic serenity and parental solicitude. 
 
 The Peruvian having read the gilt-edged sheet to 
 his satisfaction, handed it back to Mr. Robinson 
 and yawned. 
 
 " Well," said Mr. Robinson, " what do you think 
 of it?" 
 
 " It won't pay," was the brief but pregnant an- 
 swer of the Peruvian. 
 
 " But," suggested Robinson, " you have not seen 
 her, and perhaps you had better go up there ; the 
 journey will do you good. If you don't like her 
 there'll be no harm done." 
 
 "No lo quiera Dios!" was the reply of the 
 
THE PEBUVIAN IS INFLEXIBLE. 193 
 
 Peruvian ; but Mr. Robinson, not understanding 
 the expression, asked him to translate it, which he 
 did in a very free manner, by replying that it 
 meant, he would see him in fire first. 
 
 Mr. Robinson protested against this summary 
 disposal of the matter ; but the swarthy son of the 
 tropics was as stubborn as a mule, and absolutely 
 refused to stir. 
 
 But as Mr. Robinson had got his fee, as well as 
 the young lady's, it made no especial difference to 
 him, except that he was prevented from adding to 
 the happiness of the human race by bringing about 
 a happy union. How the matter affected the 
 young lady may be inferred from the following 
 letter : 
 
 " , , 1858. 
 
 " Sir In my opinion you have cheated me, and I think you 
 are a humbug. You are welcome to my ' fee,' and since this was 
 all you were after, I suppose you will no? give me any more trouble 
 in future. 
 
 " Yours finally, ." 
 
 In view of the philanthropic sentiments, and hap- 
 pifying results of Mr. Robinson's endeavors, it is 
 matter for general public regret, that he found him- 
 self impelled to pull down his sign and close the 
 doors of his office, before the summer months were 
 
 9 
 
194: MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 ended. Yet such was the case ; although the high 
 character and standing of that distinguished broker 
 forbid the idea that there was anything dishonest 
 in his dealings ; hence we cannot believe the story 
 which the matrimonial broker mentioned in the 
 sixth chapter, told about him. By this incredible 
 narrative, she attempted to make it appear that 
 a foreigner gave him $50 for an introduction, 
 and finding himself deceived, threatened to prose- 
 cute Mr. Robinson as a common swindler ; where- 
 upon that individual disappeared from public gaze. 
 But who can believe what one matrimonial broker 
 says of another, especially when the accused party 
 is a man of such distinguished worth as was Mr. 
 Robinson ? 
 
CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 How Thomas Dunn was done Brown He encounters an English 
 Widow with Thirty Thousand Pounds Sterling He leaves his 
 Likeness What Use was made of it. 
 
 THOMAS DUNN, a respectable bachelor, who formerly 
 did business in the lower part of "New York city, 
 one morning had his attention attracted by an 
 advertisement, which represented that a widow, 
 twenty-six years old, without children, and worth 
 an ample fortune, desired to marry, and was in- 
 duced to advertise, as the circle of her acquaint- 
 ance here was quite limited, her husband having 
 died a few weeks after their arrival from Eng- 
 land. 
 
 Mr. Dunn is himself an Englishman, and pos- 
 sesses the strongest prejudices in favor of his coun- 
 trymen. Had the lady been an American, he 
 would not have noticed her ; being from England, 
 she must be honest and clever. Further, he is 
 bent on obtaining his share of filthy lucre ; and an 
 Englishwoman with a fortune was, above all things, 
 an object of regard. 
 
 195 
 
196 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 He accordingly answered the advertisement, and 
 received a prompt reply, requesting him to call at 
 a matrimonial office in Mott street, for full par- 
 ticulars, and to leave his likeness there for her to 
 consult. 
 
 Mr. Dunn thought this a very reasonable request, 
 and without hesitation deposited his picture with 
 the matrimonial broker, and was informed by that 
 individual, that Mrs. Giles, the advertiser, was a 
 lady worth at least thirty thousand pounds sterling, 
 which Mr. Dunn remarked w T as about one hundred 
 and fifty thousand dollars. 
 
 " If she is pleased with your appearance," said 
 the broker, " she will make your acquaintance, 
 provided you are worth as much money as you 
 represent, and are a man of good character. It 
 will save time if you leave your address with me, 
 and such references as you choose to give." 
 
 Mr. Dunn did as he was requested, remarking 
 that as he had never done anything he was ashamed 
 of, he knew of no reason wliy he should withhold 
 a full account of himself. 
 
 In two or three days the broker called upon Mr. 
 Dunn at his store, and communicated the gratify- 
 ing intelligence that his likeness and references 
 were satisfactory, and that if he would call at the 
 
A DIFFICULTY. 197 
 
 office the same evening, he could be introduced to 
 Mrs. Giles. 
 
 He went accordingly and was introduced. Mrs. 
 Giles was not very handsome, but Mr. Dunn 
 respects so profoundly a purse of gold, that the 
 most glaring defects of the person holding it are 
 not visible to his naked eye. Goodness and 
 wickedness, as abstract principles, never trouble 
 his obtuse head; he does not, in fact, know the 
 difference between a good man and a mean one. 
 The best man for him is the man who makes and 
 keeps most money. 
 
 The part, therefore, which Mrs. Giles had to 
 play, was a simple one. She had only to con- 
 vince Mr. Dunn that she was worth thirty thousand 
 pounds, and her conquest was complete. 
 
 But this part, though simple, was after all very 
 difficult, owing to the fact that Mrs. Giles had not 
 ten pounds sterling in the world ; and Mr. Dunn 
 was the last man in the city to be put off with 
 excuses on this point. 
 
 " I must see the papers," said he. " How is it 
 invested ?" 
 
 Mrs. Giles replied that she had left the matter 
 entirely in the hands of her agent, who could give 
 him all necessary information. 
 
198 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 " Who is your agent ?" inquired Dunn. 
 
 " Mr. Brown," answered the widow. 
 
 " Where is his office ?" 
 
 " In Wall street." 
 
 "What number?" 
 
 " I don't remember exactly the number ; but I 
 have his card, which I will bring you the next time 
 you come." 
 
 " A singular way of doing business you women 
 have," remarked Mr. Dunn. " How do you know 
 but this Brown is a rascal, and is cheating you out 
 of your money ?" 
 
 " Oh, no. My husband left our affairs entirely 
 in his hands. They were old friends." 
 
 " Then Brown is an Englishman ?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " Well, 'it's all right, I presume ; but I must see 
 this man immediately." 
 
 " Certainly. Come to-morrow,- and I will give 
 you his card." 
 
 "By the way, Mrs. Giles," suggested Dunn, 
 " you have never told me where you live. I must 
 of course know you better know something of 
 your friends and associations before we marry." 
 
 " Oh, yes, of course. Come up here to-morrow 
 evening, and I will tell you everything." 
 
199 
 
 Mr. Dunn -went over next evening, and was sur- 
 prised to find another family in the house. 
 
 " Where is Mrs. ?" he inquired, naming the 
 
 broker. 
 
 " I don't know," replied the strange woman. 
 " I let her have the room a few days, and she told 
 me this morning, she did not want it any longer, 
 and so she left." 
 
 " Then she didn't live here *" 
 
 " Oh, no. I am a poor woman, and do washing, 
 and am out almost all day ; so I rented the place 
 to her a few days at seventy-five cents a day, 
 and stayed here o' nights after I'd got through with 
 my work ?" 
 
 " You don't know where she's gone ?" 
 
 " No, sir." 
 
 " Do you know such a woman as Mrs. Giles ?" 
 
 No, sir." 
 
 " Do you know what she hired the room for ?" 
 
 " No, sir, indeed. She said she advertised for a 
 place as housekeeper, and wanted to stay here to 
 receive answers. I thought seventy-five cents a 
 day was liberal, and so I let her come." 
 
 Mr. Dunn growled very much as a surly dog 
 would growl if one should snatch a bone from him 
 which he was picking. 
 
200 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 " Do you know such a man as Brown in "Wall 
 street?" lie demanded, in a savage tone, which 
 frightened the poor washerwoman terribly. 
 
 " No, indeed I don't. I'm only a poor woman, 
 and do washing for a living." 
 
 " "Washing to the dogs ! Tell me where that 
 rascally woman is that was here yesterday." 
 
 " Oh, I can't, indeed I can't, sir ; for it's as I tell 
 you." 
 
 Mr. Dunn gave another canine growl and de- 
 parted, vexed and disappointed. He still had faith 
 in Mrs. Giles ; but the broker being an American, 
 and poor, had played the mischief. He therefore 
 inserted a notice in the " Personal " of the Herald 
 
 % 
 
 to the effect that if Mrs. L G , who met 
 
 Mr. T D at the house of Mrs. P. G- 
 
 would call upon the said T D , she would 
 
 confer a great favor, as he believed " the said P. 
 
 G had done mischief." 
 
 But he waited in vain for Mrs. L G to 
 
 call on the said T D ; and begun to think 
 
 the said L G had been robbed, and per- 
 haps murdered. "There's foul play in the busi- 
 ness," he soliloquized ; " thirty thousand pounds 
 is too much temptation for a poor American 
 woman, and I'll guarantee she's got a part of it. 
 
A TERRIBLE PIECE OF NEWS. 201 
 
 Poor Mrs. Giles ! she has been robbed, I am 
 sure I" 
 
 Such were the disconsolate reflections of Mr. 
 Dunn, merchant, reflections which at times greatly 
 exercised his miserly soul until one day a friend 
 came to him in much concern, and informed him 
 that he had something important to communicate, 
 which neither of them would wish others to hear. 
 Being closeted together, the friend proceeded to 
 relate, that a young Mr. Peterson, known as a dis- 
 sipated youth, had assured him that the likeness of 
 Mr. Thomas Dunn was exhibited in a house of 
 nameless character, to the no small merriment of 
 certain reckless persons who happened to know Mr. 
 Dunn ; and that the young woman who exhibited 
 it, told a very comical story about it ; and, in 
 short, that Mr. Dunn was spoken of as a frequenter 
 and patron of the establishment, and an ardent 
 admirer of the young woman in question. 
 
 Now, Mr. Dunn, though unscrupulous in matters 
 of business, and always ready to overlook the 
 means by which a man obtained money, if he only 
 obtained it, was justly sensitive of his reputation as 
 a man of virtue, and nothing except the failure of 
 some house largely in his debt, could have dis- 
 
 9* 
 
202 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 mayed him so much as this intelligence. He knew 
 at once where the likeness came from, and forth- 
 with dispatched a messenger for the young man 
 who had communicated the news to his friend. 
 
 The young man confirmed the statement Mr. 
 Dunn had already received, and with remorseless 
 minuteness described the merriment his likeness 
 in such a place had occasioned. 
 
 Mr. Dunn employed the young man as an ambas- 
 sador to recover his picture ; but the female who 
 had it would not surrender her treasure. " Tell 
 Mr. Dunn," said she, " that I cannot part with the 
 likeness of a gentleman for whom I entertain so 
 much love." 
 
 Dunn grew desperate, and talked of invoking the 
 police ; but his friends assured him that would only 
 make matters worse. 
 
 Finally, after numerous messages and tedious 
 negotiations, Mr. Dunn gave the woman a hundred 
 dollars to surrender the picture, and he fancied his 
 troubles were at an end. In this, however, he was 
 mistaken ; for as he sat in his counting-room one 
 day, he received a note from " Mrs. Giles," inform- 
 ing him that she was in need of $25, and that 
 unless be could lend her that amount she should 
 feel compelled to put on exhibition the copy of the 
 
WORSE AND WOKSE. 203 
 
 photograph she had had taken from the one for- 
 merly in her possession. 
 
 The dismay of Mr. Dunn, upon reading this note, 
 may be imagined. It made him BO desperate that 
 he resolved to go to the house in the evening, and 
 buy or steal all the pictures of himself there. But 
 as he was mounting the steps, whom should he en- 
 counter but the young man already referred to, 
 who, misconstruing his motives, slapped him on the 
 shoulder, and saluted him thus : 
 
 " Good for you, old boy ! I thought so." 
 
 Mr. Dunn explained his errand, and commis- 
 sioned the young man to inform his enemy inside, 
 that she had blackmailed him once and was 
 attempting to do it again ; that he was not going 
 to sell himself to the devil a second time ; that he 
 should never pay her another cent, and that if his 
 picture was not returned the next day, he should 
 arrest her as a swindler. 
 
 Next morning Mr. Dunn received his likeness : 
 but his nerves were unsettled for at least six 
 months. 
 
CHAPTER XX. 
 
 Adam, Apple-Dealer, keeps an Appointment He visits the Sanc- 
 tuary He overheaft an Important Conversation He gets ex- 
 cited He knocks a Man down and frightens two Ladies, who 
 raise the Cry of "Murder" He sees a Novel Version of the 
 Affair in the Newspapers. 
 
 ALBERT ADAM, a descendant of Adam, dealt in 
 apples, which seemed very natural. Whether the 
 inclination to this kind of fruit was inherited or 
 not, it was strong and profitable, and Adam made 
 a good thing of it. 
 
 The least remunerative movement, perhaps, 
 which Adam ever made, was during the last win- 
 ter, when he went to meet a matrimonial adver- 
 tiser. He had answered her manifesto, which 
 appeared in the Sunday Herald, and in reply 
 received a letter inviting him to meet her at the 
 basement door of a certain church up town, at nine 
 o'clock in the evening. She informed him that she 
 belonged to a certain society which met in the said 
 basement on the evening designated ; and that the 
 
 204 
 
ADAM GOES TO CHUECH. 205 
 
 meeting usually lasted until nine o'clock. He was 
 requested to place himself at the door, as the mem- 
 bers were leaving, wearing the right glove, and hold- 
 ing the left one in his hand, that she might distin- 
 guish him. " It will not be necessary," she added, 
 " for you to come before nine ; but if by any un- 
 usual occurrence the society should adjourn before 
 you get there, do not think I will not meet you, , 
 but le sure and wait, for in that case I shall go 
 home and return in company with a brother, who 
 knows of this correspondence, and will do any- 
 thing to assist me. I shall be there without fail, 
 and I really hope you will not disappoint me." 
 
 Adam was inclined to go early, but discovered 
 too late that his watch was slow, and it was full 
 nine before he reached the place. To his disap- 
 pointment, the church was dark and silent as the 
 grave. 
 
 The night was cold, and poor Adam thought the 
 best thing he could do was to go home as rapidly 
 as he came. But then, the young lady had told 
 him she would not fail, and begged him not to dis- 
 appoint her ; and after a long and chilling delibera- 
 tion, he made up his mind to wait. 
 
 In accordance with this heroic resolve, he stood 
 at the basement door, now whipping himself with 
 
206 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 Ins hands to keep the blood in circulation, and now 
 rubbing his ears to prevent them freezing, and now 
 walking a block or so (being always careful not to 
 lose sight of the church), to kill time and fight the 
 cold. 
 
 Thus pleasantly and profitably did Adam pass 
 the time until near eleven o'clock, and two hours 
 in the cold, it is manifest, did not produced the 
 pleasantest effects upon his amiable temper. 
 
 He was about to go home, when he observed 
 two ladies and a gentleman pass for the second or 
 third time, laughing heartily. It occurred to him 
 that they might in some way be connected with the 
 mysterious appointment, and after they had got 
 quite by and turned the corner, he sallied forth 
 from the door of the sanctuary, and going in the 
 opposite direction until he saw them coming around 
 again, slipped out of their sight while they passed 
 him, and then fell in directly behind them, unob- 
 served. 
 
 " Do you suppose the fool is there yet ?" he heard 
 one of them say. 
 
 "Yes, I swear the wretch will stay till mid- 
 night," replied the gentleman; whereupon the 
 three simultaneously laughed. 
 
 " It's too bad," said lady No. 2, to keep the 
 
CONCERN FOE ADAM*S SOUL. 207 
 
 poor innocent there this cold night; it will ruin 
 his constitution." 
 
 " It will do his soul good," responded the gentle- 
 man. " The poor devil never would have gone to 
 church but for you, Hat." Another explosion of 
 laughter followed this speech. 
 
 " "What would Mr. , our parson say, if he 
 
 knew what we were about?" asked lad y No. 1. 
 
 " He would say you were a good Gospel mission- 
 ary," answered the gentleman. "He needs some 
 special efforts from the laity to get people to the 
 sanctuary ; his sermons are opiates." 
 
 It was some relief to Adam to hear the parson 
 abused ; but when the three discovered that their 
 victim had left his place of vigil, he heard the fol- 
 lowing plan contrived concerning him : 
 
 " I'll tell you what it is, my Christian friends," 
 said the male, " it does a man little good to stay 
 outside a sanctuary, and our friend Adam must 
 spend a night there. "Write a very humble apology 
 to-morrow, Hattie, and tell him you were sick to- 
 night, so that it was impossible for you to keep 
 your engagement, and get him to come to the next 
 prayer-meeting. Tell him to remain till all the 
 rest are gone, and that before the room is closed 
 you will go to him and ask him to walk with you. 
 
208 MATEIMONIAL BEOKEEAGE. 
 
 I know the sexton's son like a book, and will see 
 that he takes charge of the room that night. We'll 
 stay behind all the rest, and suddenly putting out 
 the lights, lock him in." 
 
 The usual explosion followed the announcement 
 of this pretty plan, and the young lady promised to 
 do her part. 
 
 Adam was a peaceable man, but this scheme, 
 added to the ridicule which had been heaped upon 
 him, exasperated him too far. He grated his teeth 
 with anger, and followed the three persons several 
 blocks, until he thought himself unobserved, when, 
 being a man of considerable muscle, he suddenly 
 knocked down the gentleman (a small man), and 
 seizing him by the hair, dealt him a number of 
 sound raps in the face, which could not have failed 
 to disfigure his physiognomy for several days. 
 
 " Murder !" screamed the ladies, and ran off at 
 the height of their speed. 
 
 " Take my money, but for God's sake spare my 
 life !" begged the prostrate gentleman. 
 
 " I don't want your money, you infernal scoun- 
 drel," said Adam, at the same time kicking him in 
 the ribs. " Lock me up in the church after the 
 next prayer-meeting, won't you ?" 
 
 Adam made very quick work ; for he knew the 
 
A PARTING SALUTE. 209 
 
 police would hear the outcry, and giving the pros- 
 trate gentleman a parting salute with the toe of his 
 Loot, he took to his heels, and had the good fortune 
 to escape. The next day it was reported in the papers 
 
 that " Mr. , a highly respectable young man, 
 
 while accompanying two ladies from a party, was 
 
 set upon in street, by a gang of desperadoes, 
 
 knocked down, and would undoubtedly have been 
 robbed, had not the prompt approach of the offi- 
 cers frightened off the robbers, who unfortunately 
 effected their escape." 
 
CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 Mr. Gillette's Courtship of $50,000, and where it led him A 
 Sentimental Widow quotes Ingomar An Exciting Chase and a 
 more Exciting Meeting. 
 
 TVrraiN the last twelvemonth, a man named Gil- 
 lette, who hailed from the country and was stopping 
 temporarily in this city, had a circular slipped into 
 his hand by an unknown person, as he was sitting 
 in the bar-room of his hotel. This circular repre- 
 sented that the advertiser kept " constantly on 
 hand the names of a number of beautiful ladies of 
 different ages and circumstances to suit customers," 
 who were in the field as matrimonial candidates. It 
 further pointed out the advantages of matrimonial 
 brokerage, especially to strangers and gentlemen of 
 limited acquaintance. Customers were also assured 
 that all business was strictly confidential. 
 
 Mr. Gillette was a widower in easy circum 
 stances, and readily fell in with the idea. The 
 same afternoon he went to the place indicated by 
 the circular, and when questioned by the landlady 
 
 210 
 
A WEIGHTY SECRET. 211 
 
 regarding liis name, place of residence and circum- 
 stances, he answered quite too frankly, not being 
 familiar with the arts and practices of matrimonial 
 brokerage in the metropolis. 
 
 " There is a lady comes here," the agent said 
 to him, " who will suit you, I think. She is hand- 
 some and young she is a widow, but has no 
 children. And seeing it's you, I will tell you a 
 secret. She does not want it known, I am sure, for 
 she told me not to tell of it ; but I don't think it 
 will do any hurt to tell you, and you mustn't let her 
 know I told of it, will you ?" 
 
 " No." 
 
 " "Well, between you and me, she is rich she is 
 worth fifty thousand dollars in her own right, and 
 the money is all at her disposal. She lives with her 
 father, in Eleventh street, and he don't want her to 
 get married, because while she lives with him he 
 has the managing of her money, I suppose ; and 
 he don't know that she's any idea of getting 
 married." 
 
 " Do many rich ladies come here ? 1J inquired Mr. 
 Gillette. 
 
 " Yes- that is, not a great many. Now and 
 then an heiress or a rich widow ; but of course they 
 are always very particular, and I never introduce 
 
212 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 them except to such as I am a good deal pleased 
 with." 
 
 Mr. Gillette felt flattered not a little by this 
 timely compliment. 
 
 " Do you think I would please the young 
 widow ?" he asked. 
 
 " Oh, yes ; I have no doubt of it. I am sure you 
 will suit her, and that she will suit you. But you 
 see it's only now and then I am willing to give a 
 man such a chance, and I go on the principle that 
 a thing that's worth having is worth paying for. I 
 think a man can afford to give more to be intro- 
 duced to such a woman than to a common one ; 
 $50,000 don't come every day." 
 
 " "What will you charge to introduce me ?" 
 
 " I want double price $10 to introduce you to 
 this one." 
 
 " ]STo risk, no game," was the philosophical 
 remark of Mr. Gillette, as he paid the money, and 
 promised to call the next day. He then returned 
 to his hotel and reflected upon the important addi- 
 tion to his estate, which he almost regarded a fixed 
 fact ; for, if the truth' must be spoken, Mr. Gillette 
 was a sinner whose affections were perversely set 
 on the things of this world. 
 
 The next day he was at the matrimonial office in 
 
UP TO TIME. 213 
 
 good time. The widow was scarcely less prompt ; 
 and as the clock on the mantel struck three (the 
 appointed hour), the door opened and the landlady 
 entered, followed by a tall, well dressed female, 
 whom Mr. Gillette immediately pronounced hand- 
 some. There was an ease and grace of manner and 
 conversation about her w^hich made a very favor- 
 able impression. " Fifty thousand, with so charm- 
 ing a young widow, is enough. I'll marry her !" 
 was the inaudible exclamation of Mr. Gillette 
 before she had been in the room five minutes. " It 
 is fortunate," he further soliloquized, " that I meet 
 her here, where matrimony is the order of busi- 
 ness ; it takes away half the embarrassment of pro- 
 posing. I'll come right to the point." 
 
 " I want to get married, Mrs. T ," he began. 
 
 :c l have been a widower, several years, and never 
 have found a person whom I fancied enough to 
 marry. For that reason I came to this office, and 
 and I am glad I came." 
 
 Acknowledging the indirect compliment with a 
 slight inclination of the head, the widow replied : 
 
 " People marry from different motives ; but I 
 think there is but one true one. If persons marry 
 for convenience, I should think they would be tired 
 of it if it became inconvenient. If I should marry 
 
>214: MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 a man because he has got a good house, it might 
 burn down without being insured, do ye see ? If 
 I married him because he was handsome, he might 
 stub his toe and strike his pretty face on the nag- 
 ging, and spoil himself entirely; and then he 
 would be a bore. But if persons marry for love, 
 love is lasting." 
 
 " I agree with you perfectly. I am delighted 
 with the view you take of the subject," said Mr. 
 Gillette, but thinking desperately, it must be con- 
 fessed, of the $50,000. 
 
 " It may appear strange to you that I ever came 
 to this place. You will not misconstrue my 
 motives when I say I have had many opportunities 
 to marry, which the world call good. But they 
 weigh advantages by a scale different from mine. 
 They look for show, and I for substance. They 
 want rich houses, dress and furniture, and I want a 
 home real enjoyment, that outside matters of 
 money, fashion, and such, can't spoil. I believe in 
 marriage for love, and as I have not met any one 
 since my husband's death that I could love, I have 
 not married." 
 
 Mrs. T , with a vast deal of similar talk, 
 
 labored to convince Mr. Gillette that her motives 
 for going to the matrimonial office were as spotless 
 
INGOMAR AND LOVE. 215 
 
 as a bran-new shirt collar ; all of which was unne- 
 cessary; for Mr. Gillette had acknowledged to 
 himself that fifty thousand would sanctify many 
 irregularities. 
 
 "Do you love poetry?" she asked him, with a 
 lively glow of enthusiasm. 
 
 " Oh, yes, very much," replied Gillette, although 
 in truth he could not repeat ten stanzas to save his 
 head, unless he quoted from Christy's Negro Min- 
 strelsy. 
 
 " I am very fond of poetry," continued the 
 widow " very fond of it. Of course you have 
 seen Ingomar the Barbarian ?" 
 
 " I believe I have seen him," replied Gillette, asso- 
 ciating the gentleman in question with the Indians 
 he had just before seen at the Astor House. 
 
 " Certainly," said the widow, "Ingomar is a play. 
 There is a beautiful description of love : 
 
 " ' What love is, if thou'dst be taught, 
 
 Thy heart must teach alone 
 Two souls with but a single thought, 
 Two hearts that beat as one. 
 
 " ' And whence comes love ? Like morning's light, 
 
 It comes without thy call ; 
 And how dies love ? A spirit bright, 
 Love never dies at all !' " 
 
216 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 " Beautiful !" exclaimed Gillette ; " beautiful and 
 true." 
 
 " There is another," resumed the widow, " which 
 I like still better : 
 
 " : It is a flame a single look will kindle, 
 But not an ocean quench. 
 Fostered by dreams, excited by each thought, 
 Love is a star from heaven, that points the way 
 And leads us to his home a little spot 
 In earth's dry desert, where the soul may rest 
 A grain of gold dust in the sand of life 
 A foretaste of Elysium ; but when, 
 Weary of this world's woes, the immortal gods 
 Flew to the skies, with all their richest gifts, 
 Love stayed behind, self-exiled, for man's sake.' " 
 
 "She's sentimental," thought Mr. Gillette; and 
 although that worthy gentleman was as far from 
 home in the field of sentimentality as ever Sancho 
 Panza in the field of chivalry, he resolved, for the 
 sake of $50,000, to make a desperate effort to be 
 sentimental, and forthwith broke out into various 
 awkward and rapturous exclamations in approba- 
 tion of the poetry, with which the widow seemed 
 greatly delighted. 
 
 The widow quoted any number of love ditties 
 and sentimental passages, to all of which Mr. Gil- 
 
THE LANDLADY ANXIOUS. 217 
 
 lette listened with great apparent pleasure, and 
 made as many abortive attempts to say equally 
 pretty things; and the widow seemed so much 
 delighted that he actually thought he had suc- 
 ceeded. The interview was prolonged until near 
 dark, when the widow, expressing great surprise 
 that it was so late, arose to depart. Mr. Gil- 
 lette requested the privilege of calling upon her 
 at home. 
 
 ''Not yet," replied the widow. "I should be 
 happy to have you do so, but the truth is, I do 
 not at present wish my father to know that I 
 receive the visits of gentlemen. There are rea- 
 sons, which I prefer not to state now, but which 
 are entirely satisfactory. If you wish to see me 
 again, I will meet you here at any time you will 
 name." 
 
 " To-morrow," suggested Gillette. 
 
 " Yery well," said the widow, and laying her soft 
 hand lightly in Mr. Gillette's, bade that thoroughly 
 smitten gentleman good night. 
 
 As soon as she left the house the landlady came 
 in, and asked very anxiously 
 
 " Did you tell her ?" 
 
 "Tell her what?" 
 
 " That I told you she was rich?" 
 10 
 
218 
 
 MATRIMONIAL BKOKEEAGE. 
 
 " NO." 
 
 " I am glad. She would never forgive me. She 
 wants to be loved for her own sake, she says 
 not for her money." 
 
 " She deserves it, hang me if she don't," inter- 
 posed Mr. Gillette, quite dropping the sentimental 
 style. 
 
 "You like her, then?" 
 
 " Yes, desperately." 
 
 " Good ! we'll have a match." 
 
 " Why, does she like me ?" 
 
 "Like you! Yes; she is in love with you al- 
 ready." 
 
 " No !" said the excited Gillette, fairly springing 
 from his chair with rapture. " Did she tell you so ?" 
 
 " Not in so many words," replied the broker ; 
 " but she might as well have said it. She said she 
 was greatly pleased with you, and I could tell by 
 her actions that she was dead in love. But the 
 matter has got to be managed cautiously. As I 
 told you yesterday, as long as she lives at home her 
 father has the handling of her money, and he's a 
 sour old fellow, and is very much opposed to her 
 marrying, and would make a great fuss if he knew 
 she intended to. It makes him mad for a week if 
 a gentleman calls upon her, and she has to be very 
 
GILLETTE AT HIS STUDIES. 219 
 
 careful and avoid society on that account. Eut if 
 you once marry her, he can't help himself, and will 
 get over this fit, and it'll be all right. But if you 
 should go there two or three times, he would be 
 sure to forbid you the house. I don't see but one 
 way of your doing it, and that is to meet here." 
 
 " Well," replied Mr. Gillette, "it will be just as 
 well. I shall propose to her at the next meeting, or 
 the one after, and I hope to be married in a little 
 while." 
 
 " You can meet here as well as not, Mr. Gillette. 
 You see I have a decent parlor where you will not 
 be disturbed ; but of course, you know, 1 have to 
 pay a good rent for it, and you will, of course, be 
 willing to do what is right." 
 
 " Of course," said Mr. Gillette, at the same time 
 handing her five dollars. He believed the fifty 
 thousand, to some extent, depended upon the good 
 will of the matrimonial broker. 
 
 Having arranged everything to his satisfaction, 
 he went to his lodgings, full of golden visions, and 
 taking a volume of Selections from the reading- 
 room, labored until midnight in committing to 
 memory snatches of songs and sentimental tit-bits, 
 to fire at the widow next day. 
 
 The meeting next day was highly satisfactory, and 
 
220 MATRIMONIAL BEOKEEAGE. 
 
 another interview was appointed for the day suc- 
 ceeding, in which Mr. Gillette proposed and was 
 accepted. 
 
 " Now," said the widow, " do you believe me 
 poor or rich ?" 
 
 " I have made no inquiries concerning your cir- 
 cumstances," was the equivocal reply of the suitor. 
 " I do not want to marry you for money it is for 
 yourself." 
 
 " The very reason I can love you," replied the 
 widow. " You have acted nobly. You have pro- 
 posed without knowing anything of my circum- 
 stances without even asking to see my friends. 
 And since it is so, I will tell you now that I am 
 worth considerable property." 
 
 Indeed !" said Mr. Gillette. 
 
 " Yes. I suppose I have fifty thousand, or there- 
 abouts. And now I will explain why I do not want 
 you to call on me at home. My father wants the 
 management of my money, and is very much irri- 
 tated if a gentleman pays me any attention. I 
 prefer, on this account, to be married without his 
 knowledge, to leave the city, arid inform him by 
 letter. He will be angry for a little while, but will 
 soon get over it." 
 
 " It will be very easy to arrange matters in that 
 
THE BARGAIN CLOSED. 221 
 
 way," replied Gillette. " We can be married here, 
 at the office, and leave town. When shall we go ?" 
 
 " Whenever you wish." 
 
 " It shall be a week from to-day." 
 
 " If you wish it." 
 
 This decisive arrangement having been made, 
 and the widow having gone home, the landlady 
 again took the liberty of calling Mr. Gillette's 
 attention to the matter of house rent, and he gener- 
 ously gave her ten dollars. 
 
 As Mr. Gillette walked home that night, it 
 occurred to him, as it Jias to the reader long since, 
 that he had been rather hasty, and taken things 
 too much upon trust. But the truth is, Mr. Gil- 
 lette was so captivated by the widow's fortune and 
 pretty face, that the possibility of fraud had not 
 before occurred to him. He thought of what she 
 had said : " You have proposed without knowing 
 anything of my circumstances without even ask- 
 ing to see my friends." 
 
 " True as preaching," soliloquized Mr. Gillette. 
 " I took the old woman's word for it. Suppose it's a 
 humbug ? Suppose she isn't respectable ? I've paid 
 that old woman ten five ten that's twenty-five 
 dollars. I must see if there's a nigger in the fence." 
 
 And Mr. Gillette met the widow next day, fully 
 
222 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 determined to satisfy himself. It was quite dark 
 when she proposed to go, and he asked to accom- 
 pany her. 
 
 " I thought, my dear," she said, with some sur- 
 prise, "that I had sufficiently explained my rea- 
 sons for not wishing you to visit at my father's 
 house." 
 
 " You have, my dear, and I am perfectly satis- 
 fied. I only proposed to go to the door." 
 
 " To-morrow night I shall be happy to have you 
 do so but but to-night I have a servant girl with 
 me who will accompany me home, and you will 
 please excuse me," said the widow, betraying, in 
 spite of herself, some embarrassment, w r hich the 
 suspicious eyes of her lover did not fail to detect. 
 He appeared entirely satisfied, however, and left 
 the house. 
 
 On his way there he had selected a good hiding- 
 place, from which he could see the door of the 
 matrimonial office, without being observed ; and 
 going directly thither, he concealed himself. 
 
 In a few minutes he saw the widow emerge to 
 the street alone. She looked about a moment, then 
 walked off hurriedly, and passed directly by the 
 hiding-place of her suspicious lover. 
 
 When she had fairly passed, he came out cau- 
 
GILLETTE IN A STRANGE PLACE. 223 
 
 tiously, and followed at a safe distance. On she 
 went to Broadway, crossed it rapidly, reached 
 Greene street, turned the corner, walked down an 
 indefinite distance, and stopped. Gillette noted 
 the number very particularly. " I'll see about this 
 crusty old father, and this servant girl that was to 
 come with her and didn't," said he to himself 
 savagely, as he turned away. 
 
 As he went down the steps, he observed a police- 
 man watching him, motionless as the lamp-post by 
 which he stood. 
 
 Mr. Gillette and the policeman were soon walk- 
 ing together in close conference. 
 
 In a few minutes, with desperate valor, which 
 astonished even its possessor, Mr. Gillette rung the 
 bell of the very door which his betrothed had 
 recently entered. A servant answered the sum- 
 mons. 
 
 "Is Miss in?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "Is she engaged?" 
 
 " I will see." 
 
 "Tell her a friend wishes to see her." 
 
 The servant returned in a moment. "It is alt 
 right. "Walk up, sir." 
 
 " Ah, I see," thought Gillette, " she is expecting 
 
224 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 some one. I see why she didn't want me to come 
 to-niglit. I suppose that she would have taken me 
 to some more respectable quarter to-morrow." 
 
 The servant pointed Mr. Gillette to a dooi 
 partly open on the second floor, and withdrew. 
 Mr. Gillette pushed open the door and walked in. 
 The charming widow of the fifty thousand was on 
 the sofa. As Mr. Gillette entered she looked up, 
 and recognizing him, uttered a scream of anger and 
 surprise. 
 
 " Why are you here ?" 
 
 " I came to see you ; we are engaged ; you are 
 glad to meet me, I hope ?" 
 
 The widow was silent. 
 
 " I called," resumed Gillette, after a momentary 
 pause, " to say that it will not be convenient to elope 
 with you next Tuesday, and that your crusty old 
 father can manage your fifty thousand dollars as 
 long as he pleases; also, that your servant had 
 better accompany you again to-morrow, as it will 
 be impossible for me to wait upon you home. 1 
 would also suggest that a woman who is found 
 in an assignation house cannot collect damages for 
 breach of promise of marriage ; and also that the 
 testimony of a policeman, who has often seen you 
 come here, will be sufficient to damage your repu- 
 
THE WIDOW'S RETORT. 225 
 
 tation, if you try that game, as I believe you mean 
 to." 
 
 The widow, abashed for a moment, was greatly 
 irritated by this speech the longest, perhaps, that 
 Mr. Gillette ever made in his life. 
 
 " You are a rascal and a fool, sir," she said. 
 " You are a pretty man, aint you, now, to follow a 
 woman through the streets, and come into her room 
 in this way ? You think you have been smart, I 
 suppose ; but look you here !" And the angry 
 beauty beld up a five dollar gold piece the half 
 of his last payment to the matrimonial broker. 
 You are a smart man indeed, you are ! Fifty 
 thousand dollars ! Rich widow ! Don't tell her 
 I told you ! ha ! ha ! Ha/writ you been fooled 2" 
 
 Mr. Gillette, thus reminded of his short-sighted- 
 ness, began to think he was getting the worst of 
 the logomachy, and started out. 
 
 " Oh, my dear Mr. Gillette ! my espoused I my 
 life ! my sweet poet ! don't leave me in anger !" 
 said the widow, in mockery, opening her arms 
 towards hiin. " I say ! do you think you have 
 seen Ingomar the Barbarian ? How did he look ? 
 Tell me, my dear, 
 
 " * If what love is thou'dst be taught, 
 
 Thy heart must teach alone 1 " 
 
 10* 
 
226 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 But before the verse was complete, Mr. Gillette was 
 in the street. Justice to that gentleman requires 
 us to say that it was his first visit to such a place. 
 May it be his last ! 
 
CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 Entitled "The Wandering Jew" An Adventure in Twelfth street 
 The Hero mounts to the Fourth Floor, and finds a Girl with 
 exceeding Red Hair A Boy with a Natural Instinct of Justice. 
 
 MK. FELIX JEW, who is not a Jew, advertised in 
 one of the papers that, having plenty of money, he 
 wanted a wife, and invited any respectable, intelli- 
 gent and good-looking young lady, not over twenty- 
 three years old, to correspond with him through the 
 Union Square post-office. 
 
 Two days after the publication of his advertise- 
 ment he was quite surprised to find no less than 
 thirteen letters awaiting him. He hastened to his 
 apartments, and proceeded to open and read them. 
 Some were written in a neat, legible hand, on fault- 
 less paper ; others were penned in wanton defiance 
 of orthography and syntax. 
 
 The night was devoted to answering such of these 
 epistles as required answering ; fixing times and 
 places for interviews ; and Mr. Jew arose from his 
 task with the conviction that he had a good fort- 
 
228 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 night's work on hand to attend all the meetings his 
 letters promised. 
 
 Some of the letters which he received, however, 
 did not require answering. For instance, Jessie 
 Waters wrote that she flattered herself she an- 
 swered the description of the advertisement in 
 all particulars, and begged that he would address 
 or call upon her at Twelfth street, fourth floor. 
 
 The next afternoon, Felix resolved to make his 
 first adventure, and call upon the fair Jessie ; and, 
 notwithstanding a rain-storm set in, he would not 
 abandon his project. He went to the place indi- 
 cated, and found it in rather a hard neighborhood. 
 It was a tenement house ; and from, the number of 
 juvenile delinquents playing around the door, 
 he concluded it was fully occupied. As he ap- 
 proached, he heard a small boy call out to a still 
 smaller one, " Now, Sam Waters, you stop sweerin\ 
 or I'll slap your chops." 
 
 "A brother, I presume," soliloquized Jew. 
 " Hope the sister is not so ragged ; but it shows 
 that somebody named Waters lives here ; so I guess 
 I am not humbugged." 
 
 As Jew entered the large hall, the door of which 
 stood open, a flock of juveniles of nearly all 
 nations, in which the Celtic race considerably pre- 
 
FAT WOMAN AND KED WOMAN. 229 
 
 dominated, rushed wildly about him, with amazed 
 and inquisitive looks. Addressing the boy whom 
 he had heard called Sam, he asked that hopeful 
 representative of the "Waters family if Jessie 
 Waters lived up -stairs. 
 
 "Dad and mam live thar; d'ye want 'em?" was 
 the reply. "I'll go ;" and the juvenile representa- 
 tive rushed ahead and led the way to the fourth 
 floor, opened a door and called out, in advance of 
 Jew: 
 
 " I say, mam, here's a man as wants to see you." 
 
 " Go down stairs, you little rascal, or I'll prick 
 your ears with my needle," said the loving mother, 
 who had a piece of work in her hands. Mr. Jew 
 walked in, without waiting for an invitation, and 
 casting a glance around the room, saw a young 
 woman about as large as the late fat woman at 
 Barnum's, by one window, sewing ; at another sat a 
 female, younger by several years, and smaller by 
 several hundred pounds, also sewing. Her face 
 and hair were as red as the cow in the Koran, of 
 which it is declared : " She is a red cow, intensely 
 red ; her color rejoiceth the beholders." 
 
 " Do you want to see me ?" asked the mother of 
 the boy, whose sudden exit by way of the stairs 
 had been accelerated by the sharp application of a 
 
230 MATRIMONIAL BKOKERAGE. 
 
 switch to that portion of his body protected by his 
 coat-skirt, before the skirt was torn off. 
 
 " I called to see Jessie "Waters," replied Jew. 
 
 " Jesse Waters ? I don't know such. I've got a 
 boy Samuel, and Henry "Waters has got a boy 
 named Isaac ; but I don't know no Jesse." 
 
 " It's a young lady I expected to see," replied 
 Jew. 
 
 " Jesse's a boy's name," said the woman, break- 
 ing out in a hoarse laugh ; " isn't it, Miss "White ?" 
 
 " Yes," answered the huge maiden at the window. 
 
 " I hasn't only one girl, and her name's Susan," 
 said Mrs. "Waters. 
 
 " I suppose, then, I got into the wrong number," 
 said Jew, desirous of retreating. " I am sorry to 
 have disturbed you, and am obliged for your atten- 
 tion." 
 
 As he went out, the girl with the red hair fol- 
 lowed him. The color of her face would probably 
 have been considerably intensified with blushes, 
 had its original hue admitted of intensification. 
 She followed him to the third floor, and said : 
 
 " Maj be I'm the person you were looking for. 
 Arn't your name Mr. Jew?" 
 
 Mr. Jew at once saw the state of the case, and 
 not wishing to manifest his indifference, replied : 
 
THE INSTINCT OF JUSTICE. 231 
 
 " That is not my name." 
 
 " Oh ! I thought it was," rejoined Susan. " I've 
 got a friend by the name of Jew I expected to-day, 
 and I thought you was the man. It's been so long 
 since I've seen him, I have almost forgot how he 
 looks." 
 
 " You are mistaken in the person," replied Jew. 
 " I hope your friend will not disappoint you, and I 
 wish you good day." 
 
 As Mr. Jew passed through the troop of juve- 
 niles, who eyed him with more curiosity than ever, 
 the hopeful Samuel informed him that "his mam 
 licked him every time he went up-stairs, and he 
 should be glad when his dad got home, for he 
 would lick her, and that would make it even." 
 
CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 The Second Adventure of Mr. Jew He goes to meet Anna 
 Barton He encounters an aggrieved Husband A Battle and 
 numerous Black Eyes Pursuit by Metropolitan Police Officers 
 Free Lodgings in the Station-House. 
 
 FELIX smiled at Sam's idea of justice, and winning 
 the eternal gratitude of that precocious youth with a 
 ten-cent piece, told him to be a good boy, and went 
 directly to his lodgings. 
 
 The adventure with the red-haired damsel had 
 given him an excellent appetite, and after showing 
 his good will towards a satisfactory dinner, he set 
 out in answer to the next letter requiring his atten- 
 tion, which had requested him to call upon Anna 
 Barton, at a certain number of a certain street. 
 
 "When he arrived at the street designated, he was 
 disappointed to find, instead of palatial residences, 
 as he had devoutly hoped, a long line of butchers' 
 shops, stables, coal-yards and one horse stores, with 
 suspicious-looking residences above. He thought, 
 however, that it might improve before he reached 
 Anna's locality ; but in this he was disappointed, 
 
 232 
 
AN UNWELCOME VISITOR. 233 
 
 for when lie came to the identical number he 
 sought, he found a butcher's shop, in which a huge 
 Dutchman, with a ponderous broad-axe, was dis- 
 severing the limbs of a defunct ox. 
 
 " Humbug 1" involuntarily arose to the lips of 
 Felix ; but thinking there might be a mistake, he 
 inquired if there was another number 51 in the 
 street; and being answered in the negative, he 
 ventured to ask if the wielder of the broad-axe 
 knew such a person as Anna Barton, to which 
 question he also received a decided negative. 
 
 Plunged in profound reflection, Mr. Jew walked 
 on towards his lodgings, until he came to a spot 
 inhabited chiefly by that useful class of our citizens 
 known as river thieves, when he was suddenly 
 stopped in his career by a man with the neck of a 
 bull and a fist like the end of a South Sea Islander's 
 war club, who informed him, unceremoniously ? 
 that he was a d d rascal, and that they would 
 settle their difficulties on the spot. He further 
 remarked, for his edification, that if he called for 
 the police until the day of judgment, it would do 
 him no good, as they didn't have policemen in that 
 neighborhood; yet, nevertheless, he mustn't call 
 " police," and if he did he would knock his brains 
 
234: MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 Felix trembled. "Who 'are you, and what do 
 yon want ?" he demanded. 
 
 " I am James Barton, the husband of Anna 
 Barton, that you've been trying to get to elope 
 with you," was the astounding answer of him of 
 the bull-neck ; " and we'll settle that little business 
 on the start." 
 
 Felix attempted to explain, and offered to 
 show the letter he received from the treach- 
 erous Anna, but the injured husband threatened 
 to stop his mouth with his fist, if he didn't " dry 
 up." 
 
 " Since you won't hear to reason," said Felix, 
 " what do you want ?" 
 
 " I want damages. Give me fifty dollars and I'll 
 say no more about it." 
 
 "I haven't got that amount." 
 
 " You lie, and if you don't pay me fifty dollars 
 I'll take all you've got, and dog you until you'll be 
 glad to get rid of me for ten times fifty." 
 
 Simultaneously with this threat, the aggrieved 
 husband seized Felix by the collar and told him to 
 " fork over." 
 
 " You're a thief and a robber," said Felix, whose 
 " grit " had awakened. " I remember, now, I saw 
 you watching around the butcher's shop when I 
 
A FIGHT WITH A HUSBAND. 235 
 
 was there. I'll see you in purgatory before I'll pay 
 you a red cent." 
 
 No sooner Had the unfortunate Felix uttered 
 these menacing words, than his feet slipped from 
 under him and he was levelled by a blow from the 
 avenging fist of the mighty James. But he rallied 
 to the charge, and being a man of some muscle and 
 knowledge of the manly art, gave him of the bull 
 neck a rap full on the nose, following it in good 
 style with one in the eye, at the same time calling 
 "Police!" at the top of his voice. His gigantic 
 antagonist was completely taken by surprise with 
 this notable demonstration, and it was several 
 seconds before he gathered sufficient self-possession 
 to give Felix a black eye, with a blow which sent 
 him reeling to the earth. " Murder !" cried Felix ; 
 and the sound of rapidly-approaching feet con- 
 vinced both that the stars and clubs were coming 
 to the rescue. 
 
 The injured husband, with an oath which made 
 Felix's hair stand on end, took to his heels ; and 
 Felix did the same, not wishing the affair to 
 become public. 
 
 He of the bull neck, being perfectly familiar 
 with the locality, had no sort of trouble in dodging 
 the officers and escaping. Not so Felix. Notwith- 
 
236 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 standing lie put on full steam, he was soon aware 
 that the Metropolitans were after him, and were 
 gaining in the race. He held out, however, with 
 obstinate perseverance, in the hope of tiring his 
 pursuers; but in this he was disappointed; and 
 after a race of three-fourths of a mile, he was cap- 
 tured by the gentlemen in blue. 
 
 "We've got you, old boy," said one of the police- 
 men, taking him by the collar. " You made good 
 time, but you couldn't quite. You must go with 
 us to the station-house." 
 
 "For God's sake, gentlemen," protested Felix, 
 " let me off." 
 
 " Not a bit of it. What was the meaning of all 
 that hullabaloo ' murder,' < police,' and what 
 not?" 
 
 " I made it. I was attacked." 
 
 " You? That don't go down, old feller; if 
 you'd a-made it you wouldn't a-run as though hoof- 
 and-horns was after you. It's no use talken' ; come 
 along." 
 
 " I am innocent ; upon my honor, gentlemen ; I 
 was attacked under peculiar circumstances. I 
 should not have called out had not my life been in 
 danger. I protest " 
 
 " Protest and be hanged ; what do I care ?" said 
 
FELIX IN LIMBO. 237 
 
 he of the club. " You're a suspicious character, 
 prowling around here at night when somebody 
 cries murder, and there's no use talkin'." 
 
 In spite of his protestations, Mr. Jew was com- 
 pelled to march to the station-house. He gave a 
 fictitious name, and was locked up for the night in 
 one of those delightful cells where prisoners are 
 permitted to sit up or lodge on the hard side of a 
 small plank. The station-house being crowded, he 
 was put in with a fellow-unfortunate, whose breath 
 was so rank with whisky and tobacco that Felix 
 was quite prostrated by the odor. He was kept 
 there until morning, when, as no one appeared to 
 complain of him, he was discharged. 
 
CHAPTER XXIV.' 
 
 The Concluding Adventure of Mr. Felix Jew He goes to the 
 Academy of Music, and gets in Love A Sick Wife, who proves 
 to be a Myth A Cousin, who proves to belong to the Peter Funk 
 Fraternity Poem of a Matrimonial Candidate which led to Im- 
 portant Results. 
 
 LET all men remember, that in the last chapter Mr. 
 Felix Jew, having been knocked down by the 
 indignant husband of Anna Barton, was subse- 
 quently locked up in the station-house, and dis- 
 charged next morning, with two black eyes. 
 
 As soon as the marks disappeared from his vis- 
 ual orbs, however, he resolved, notwithstanding 
 his former ill-luck, to try once more. 
 
 Felix prided himself upon his ability to detect a 
 person's character by his handwriting; and one 
 letter, he decided, was the production of an honest 
 and accomplished person. As this letter led to the 
 final and most important matrimonial adventure of 
 the hero, we publish it entire : 
 
 "Ma. F. J. I have read your advertisement, and although I have 
 always before passed over things of this kind as trivial or improper, 
 233 
 
JENNIE BOUTON'S LETTER. 239 
 
 there is an air of sincerity and candor about yours, which has 
 induced me to answer it. I have recently returned from school, 
 with what is called a finished education. That is, I play the piano, 
 have gone through as much of the natural sciences and mathemat- 
 ics as young women are expected to go through ; and besides, je 
 park Fran?ais, my friends assure me, as well almost as though I 
 had been born in Paris. 
 
 " I am very sorry, Mr. F. J., that in addition to these accom- 
 plishments, I cannot add that I am very pretty. But the divine 
 gift of beauty (I am very sorry to say), has not fallen to my 
 lot. I will give you a description of myself. I am medium size, 
 rather slender, have black eyes and hair, and features which are 
 neither very sharp nor very flat. In short, I am neither hideous 
 nor winning in my appearance. If we are ever so fortunate as to 
 become friends, I trust you will believe I have some decision of 
 character, and some executive force. My reading consists of history 
 and poetry. I never read a score of novels in all my life. 
 
 " If you are disposed to do so, I should like to have you write. 
 Please address, " JENNIE BOUTON, 
 
 " Madison Square post-office." 
 
 Felix replied to this letter in flattering terms, and 
 requested her to fix a time and place for an inter- 
 view. 
 
 To this he received a prompt answer, in which 
 he was graciously requested to meet her at the 
 Academy of Music, the next "Wednesday evening, 
 and to secure a certain seat in the parquette, as 
 she and her cousin would occupy the adjoining 
 ones. If he would write his name on the libretto, 
 
24:0 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAuK 
 
 and hold it up so that she could read it, she would 
 recognize him. 
 
 In accordance with this suggestion, Mr. Jew 
 secured the seat in question, and placed himself in 
 it at an early hour. He thought much more of the 
 expected Jennie than of the singing, and began to 
 fear his unknown friend was not coming, when, 
 during the second scene, he heard the rustling of 
 silks, and the two seats next him, which up to that 
 time had remained vacant, were filled by a young 
 lady and a man about thirty-five years old, who 
 attended her. 
 
 As soon as they had settled themselves, Felix dis- 
 played his signal, and the young lady turning to 
 him said : 
 
 " Ah, good evening, Mr. Jew, I had not observed 
 you before." 
 
 Mr. Jew was struck with the manner and appear 
 ance of his new friend, and congratulated himself 
 that in one more instance his power of judging 
 character by the hand- writing had prevailed. 
 
 During the evening, the "cousin" absented 
 himself between the acts, and this gave the new 
 acquaintances opportunity to converse. By this 
 means, Mr. Jew was informed that Miss Bouton 
 was a resident of Baltimore, and that she was tern- 
 
MR. JEW IS CAPTIVATED. 241 
 
 porarily stopping in New York with her cousin, 
 and during his wife's illness was overseeing the 
 affairs of the household. He was invited to call 
 upon her, and took the address, at the same time 
 furnishing references. 
 
 Felix called shortly after this romantic meeting, 
 and found Jennie in a very respectable house, and 
 everything as he expected. 
 
 "My cousin, Mr. L ," said she, "is an old 
 
 and familiar friend. He is old enough to be my 
 father ; but we always liked each other. His wife 
 is a sweet woman, and an old schoolmate. "We 
 were intimate friends years before she married 
 Cousin Billy. Her health is very bad now, how- 
 ever, and she does not leave her room. I came on 
 here to make a short visit, and she begged of me 
 so hard to stay and take charge of the house until 
 she should recover, that I couldn't refuse her." 
 
 Mr. Jew's visits became frequent, and he took 
 her out almost every night to some place of amuse- 
 ment, the "cousin" being always too solicitous 
 about his wife to accompany them ; and Mr. Jew, 
 in an almost incredible short space of time, was 
 completely captivated. He trusted the fair Jennie 
 fully, and if other persons might possibly have 
 seen suspicious indications, it was quite impossible 
 
 11 
 
24:2 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 for him to discover them, blind as he was in love. 
 He was assured that his feelings were reciprocated, 
 and thought himself the happiest of men. 
 
 At last he had to leave the city for a few weeks, 
 and during his absence frequent and affectionate 
 letters passed, and in nearly every epistle Jennie 
 indulged her romantic turn of mind in stanzas of 
 great merit, if tried by the fond judgment of Felix. 
 
 Here is a specimen from one of those tender 
 epistles : 
 
 " We read that ( the course of true love never did run smooth,' 
 but ours, thus far, has not been disturbed by a single storm. Are 
 you as happy as I am ? There is only one thing that troubles me, 
 and that is not in any way connected with our ' course of true love.' 
 Poor dear Emma (the cousin's wife) is no better, and, I fear, will 
 not be able to leave her room for many weeks. This, of course, 
 imposes upon me much responsibility, and many cares ; but as I am 
 soon to be your wife, and have charge of our house, the discipline 
 will, I trust, prepare me to make it cheerful, and to do better than 
 I should without it. 
 
 " Do you know, dear, what I have been doing to-day ? 'Writing 
 verses, as usual,' you will say. Well, I have been writing verses 
 again, and as long as you praise them so, I shall keep on. When 
 you get tired of them you must say so, and I will stop. Here is 
 what I have written to-day : 
 
 " Love ! what is love ? I cannot tell ; 
 
 I feel a thrill of strange delight 
 Bind every sense with a sweet spell 
 By day and night. 
 
A POEM ON LOVE. 24:3 
 
 " I know my spirit is not free ; 
 
 'Tis bound with strongest links to thine ; 
 And yet I feel its slavery 
 Is all divine. 
 
 " Old memories, sacred in the past, 
 
 Have lost their once enthralling power ; 
 Thy love is all rny first and last 
 In every hour. 
 
 " If this be love, then do /love ; 
 
 If this be love, then love is blest ; 
 My soul submissive as a dove, 
 In thine must rest." 
 
 Felix returned to the city, and was delighted 
 when Jennie showed him a letter from her father, 
 dated at Baltimore, authorizing her to select a hus- 
 band according to her own inclinations, and ex- 
 pressing many kind paternal wishes of long life and 
 peace. 
 
 It cannot be expected that Felix concealed all 
 his joy from his friends. He had one, in particu- 
 lar, to whom he confided the entire history of his 
 attachment. But this friend came near losing his 
 esteem, by venturing to question the sincerity and 
 truthfulness of the fair Jennie. 
 
 " How do you know," said he, " that she has a 
 wealthy father living in Baltimore ?" 
 
 " I have seen a letter from him," replied Felix. 
 
244: MATRIMONIAL BEOKEKAGE. 
 
 " Did you see the envelope and post-mark ?" 
 
 " No." 
 
 " Then, how do you know but this cousin, as she 
 calls him, wrote it ?" 
 
 " I know that she is incapable of deception." 
 
 " I hope she is ; but when we deal with strangers 
 in New York, it is impossible to tell what they are 
 driving at. "What evidence have you that these 
 people are respectable ?" 
 
 " The evidence of my eyes." 
 
 " I hope your eyes do not deceive you. But 
 for my part, I advise you to look out for traps." 
 
 " I cannot listen to such insinuations," said Felix ; 
 and taking his hat was about to withdraw in high 
 dudgeon ; but his friend called him back, and ex- 
 plained that he did not suppose anything was 
 wrong in the present instance ; he only wished to 
 put him on his guard. 
 
 Felix was reconciled, and proposed to show 
 his friend some of Jennie's poetry. His friend 
 read on until he came to the poem above quoted. 
 
 " She claims this as her own composition ?" said 
 he. 
 
 Of course." 
 
 u Yes ; there is no mistake about that. Her let- 
 ter says : ( Here is what I have written to-day.' ' ! 
 
A STOKM BREWING. 24:5 
 
 " Well, what of it ? She did write it ?" 
 
 Jew's friend went to his hook-case, and rummag- 
 ing over a pile of old newspapers, selected one, and 
 handed it to Felix, saying : 
 
 " I wrote that poetry, if it is poetry, three years 
 ago, as you will see hy the date." 
 
 Felix stood in mute astonishment, his face, mean- 
 time, turning red as fire. 
 
 " There is some mistake ahout it," said he at last, 
 and hastily withdrew. 
 
 He called next morning, however, and his friend 
 was pleased to find him prepared to listen to rea- 
 son. 
 
 "You have been slightly deceived, that is evi- 
 dent," he remarked to Felix. " Perhaps, how- 
 ever, it is unintentional on her part. She may 
 have read the verses some time ago and forgotten 
 the fact, and fancied that she composed them her- 
 self." 
 
 " Charitable, but most improbable," replied 
 Felix, who had grown suspicious. " I shall see." 
 
 His friend advised him, in the first place, to 
 learn whether " the cousin " really had a sick wife ; 
 then to trace " the cousin " to his place of business ; 
 and, finally, to make inquiries in relation to his 
 character precautions which naturally suggest 
 
246 
 
 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 themselves, but which Felix, in his sudden and en 
 thusiastic attachment, had entirely neglected. 
 
 The same afternoon Felix called upon the fair 
 Jennie, and dissembling his suspicions, inquired 
 
 after the welfare of Mrs. L . He was answered 
 
 that she was still confined to her room, and was no 
 better. 
 
 " Who attends her?" he asked. 
 
 " Dr. Smith/' was the reply. 
 
 "Which Dr. Smith?" 
 
 " I don't remember his Christian name." 
 
 " Where is his office ?" 
 
 " I don't remember ; my cousin would of course 
 know. I never mind such things ; I don't even 
 know my cousin's place of business." 
 
 Felix was more suspicious than ever. He went 
 early next morning, in disguise, and watched the 
 house until " the cousin " started for his place of 
 business, and followed him. He went down town 
 and entered an auction store, with Felix unobserved 
 at his heels, dressed in a very plain garb, and as- 
 suming the airs of a fresh importation from Jersey. 
 A watch, warranted to be pure gold, was put up, 
 and " the cousin " bid vigorously ; but Felix run it 
 up to thirty dollars, and it was struck off to him. 
 As he expected, it proved upon examination to be 
 
BOGUS GOLD WATCH. 247 
 
 utterly worthless, having only a face and brass 
 case, without any inside works whatever ; and he 
 went directly to the mayor, and under an assumed 
 name, made an affidavit against the auctioneer 
 and "cousin." They were speedily brought up 
 by an officer, questioned, and made to refund the 
 money. 
 
 Jew made inquiries concerning the character of 
 the gentlemen he had been dealing with, and was 
 told they were both notorious mock-auction swind- 
 lers. 
 
 Having learned the character of Mr. L , the 
 
 cousin, he resumed his usual dress, and called at 
 the house of that worthy gentleman, although Jennie 
 had informed him the day before that she should 
 not be at home. The same servant met him at 
 the door who had met him whenever he had called, 
 and informed him that Miss Jennie had gone 
 out. 
 
 " How is Mrs. L to-day ?" he inquired. 
 
 The servant smiled, and Felix, taking a ten dol- 
 lar gold-piece from his pocket, slipped it into her 
 hand. " You can be of service to me," said he, 
 " and I will reward you. Tell me truly, is there 
 such a woman as Mrs. L ?" 
 
 " Not unless Miss Jennie is," replied she. 
 
24:8 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 " Isn't there a sick woman in the house ?" 
 
 " !N"o. You can look for yourself." 
 
 And the servant showed Felix through every 
 room ; but they were all vacant. 
 
 The servant's tongue was thoroughly loosened 
 by the gold, and she told him all she knew about 
 the two persons in whom he was so much inte- 
 rested. 
 
 Mr. L , he learned, was a single man about 
 
 to be married, and Miss Jennie was a person 
 whom he was anxious to get off his hands ; and 
 Jennie, being equally desirous to go, the two had 
 together contrived the plan ; and Mr. Jew seemed 
 to be such a fine gentleman, that she (the servant) 
 had often wanted to tell him, but didn't dare 
 to. Miss Jennie abused her, according to her 
 account, worse than ever a master abused a 
 plantation slave, and she had found a place, and 
 was going to leave that night. 
 
 Mr. Jew was convinced that he could prove 
 enough by this servant to clear himself of a breach 
 of promise case, if they should prosecute him, and 
 took her address, promising to pay her liberally 
 if her services were needed. He never called 
 on Miss Jennie again, and has not been mo- 
 lested. 
 
CIIAPTEE XXY. 
 
 Mr Eli Boyse treats his Father-in-law to a Champagne Dinner at 
 Gosling's He subsequently parts with his Boots : The Manner of 
 said Parting being fully set forth. 
 
 MR. ELI BOYSE answered the matrimonial advertise- 
 ment of a young lady, who, judging from the ac- 
 count she gave of herself, would make a very desir- 
 able acquaintance. 
 
 Mr. Boyse received a note, informing him that if 
 he would be at Gosling's saloon at one o'clock on a 
 certain day, and " wear a blue neck-tie with a turn- 
 down collar, and a handkerchief sticking a little 
 from his pocket, and sit as near the door as conve- 
 nient," the advertiser would recognize him. The 
 note, Mr. Boyse observed, was in a cramped and 
 awkward hand, which after all efforts at disguise, 
 looked more like a man's than a woman's. How- 
 ever, he attired himself in the style proposed by 
 his unknown correspondent, and at the appointed 
 hour seated himself near the entrance of the sa- 
 loon. 
 
 He had only time to give out his order, before a 
 
250 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 middle-aged man, with garments slightly worse for 
 wear, yet looking quite neat and respectable, ap- 
 proached and bowed : 
 
 " Mr. Boyse, I presume." 
 
 "Well?" said the young gentleman thus unex- 
 pectedly addressed. " You have the advantage of 
 me ; I don't remember to have seen you before." 
 
 " No, sir, I presume not. My name is but 
 
 that don't matter now ; let's come to an explana- 
 tion at once." 
 
 Saying which the stranger seated himself beside 
 Mr. Boyse, and proceeded thus : 
 
 " You came here expecting to see Miss Beck ; 
 but the truth is Miss Beck will not be here to-day. 
 She is, in fact, sir, my daughter. She wanted me 
 to come, in short, and see you, and talk the matter 
 over, and if you desired to be introduced, and are a 
 proper person to be introduced, as I have no doubt 
 you are, we can easily come to an understanding ; 
 and I shall of course invite you to my house." 
 
 u As to that," replied the disappointed Boyse, " I 
 can't tell whether your daughter and I would de- 
 sire to become acquainted or not until we have seen 
 each other. I expected to see her here, and if she 
 had kept her promise, we would have known." 
 
 " You must know, my dear sir," replied Mr. 
 
A VISION OF BEAUTY. 251 
 
 Beck, " that this is no ordinary step for a young 
 lady to take. My daughter acted under my advice ; 
 and I would never consent to have her meet a 
 stranger in the manner proposed never, sir. So 
 that ends that matter. But as you appear to be a 
 fine young gentleman I will inform you that I have 
 her likeness in my pocket." 
 
 The fine young gentleman expressed great 
 eagerness to see it, and with many assurances that 
 it did not do justice to the original, the father com- 
 plied with the request. 
 
 Mr. Boyse thought her the most beautiful being 
 he had ever seen, was reconciled to the father at 
 once, and invited him to order whatever he wished 
 at his expense, called for champagne, and did every- 
 thing in his power to. make himself agreeable. The 
 stranger ate as though he had just come out of a 
 seven years' famine, and drank as though he 
 had been spending at least a week on the Sahara 
 Desert. 
 
 At the close of the repast, Mr. Beck addressed 
 himself to Mr. Boyse thus : 
 
 " You have a very pretty foot, Mr. Boyse. I 
 flatter myself there are few men with a better 
 shaped foot than mine ; but I believe yours is quite 
 equal to it, and 1 fancy our feet are about of a size. 
 
252 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 I ordered a pair of new patent-leather boots -just 
 like the ones you have on near here to-day, and 
 that's the reason I wore these old things so I could 
 leave 'em behind and get rid of 'em. Won't yon 
 go up there with me, Mr. Boyse ?" 
 
 Mr. Boyse paid for the dinner and expressed his 
 readiness to go. They went into the shoe-store, and 
 Mr. Beck called for the boots he ordered an hour 
 before. The man brought a pair of fine patent- 
 leather boots, similar to those which Mr. Boyse had 
 donned for his romantic meeting at Gosling's. Mr. 
 Beck tried one on. 
 
 " Admirable fit," said he. " Mr. Boyse, let me 
 see these boots on your feet, if you please ; I'll try 
 on yours. I believe our feet are just of a size." 
 
 Mr. Boyse accordingly took off his boots and 
 tried on the new ones, Mr. Beck meantime having 
 slipped on Boyse's, which he pronounced a per- 
 fect fit. 
 
 " I told you," said he, " that our feet were just of 
 a size, Boyse, and don't you see I was right ? I 
 never saw a more perfect fit in my life than your 
 boot to my foot." 
 
 Just at this stage of the acquaintance, Mr. Beck 
 saw, or pretended to see, some one beckoning to 
 him from the street. 
 
MB. BECK IS BOOTED. 253 
 
 " All !" said he hastily, " there's a man on the 
 sidewalk I must see just a moment. Excuse me, 
 Mr. Boyse, I'll be right back;" and before the 
 words were fairly out of his mouth, Mr. Beck had 
 disappeared with Mr. Boyse's boots on. 
 
 Mr. Boyse waited five minutes ten minutes 
 fifteen minutes twenty minutes ; but Mr. Beck 
 did not return. He then requested the man in the 
 store to go out and look for him, which he did, but 
 returned with intelligence that the gentleman in 
 question was nowhere to be seen, although he " had 
 looked up street and down street, and around the 
 corners." 
 
 " Has he paid for these boots?" asked Mr. Boyse, 
 intending in that case to put them on and call it an 
 even trade. 
 
 " Oh, no," replied the man. " He ordered them 
 about two hours ago, and said he would call in a 
 few minutes and take them." 
 
 Mr. Boyse easily perceived that he had been 
 dealing with a " confidence man," and believing 
 the best way out of it was to say nothing, paid for 
 the new boots and departed. He did not see Mr. 
 Beck again, and was never introduced to the origi- 
 nal of the likeness. 
 
CIIAPTEE XXVI. 
 
 Ai Unmitigated Scoundrel How Mr. Montgomery fell in with an 
 old Acquaintance, and how he was Flogged by a- Woman How 
 he made Love to a Boston Widow, and managed to get $1,000. 
 
 AFTER having made our readers acquainted with 
 so many virtuous and honest characters, it is with 
 great reluctance that we introduce a rascal. The 
 truth of history, however, requires us to say that 
 the individual whose career will be traced in this 
 chapter, was an unmitigated scoundrel, who lived 
 by the constant practice of fraud, and hated 
 nothing so much as honesty and justice. 
 
 This individual figured under so many different 
 names that it is a question whether, in the multi- 
 tude of aliases with which he concealed his 
 identity, he did not actually forget the original, 
 derived from his father. He must be known to our 
 readers as James Montgomery, since he assumed 
 the cognomen of that pious poet in the rascally 
 transaction to be related. 
 
 Mr. Montgomery for some time made it a regular 
 profession to advertise for a wife, and to answer the 
 
 254 
 
EFFECTS A LOAN. 255 
 
 advertisements of others. He did not, of course, 
 use the same name, or give the same description of 
 himself, in all his advertisements ; but, on the con- 
 contrary, when he had made about as much as he 
 could out of one name and description, he would 
 insert another. 
 
 This led him into awkward straits in some cases ; 
 for his correspondence was so extensive that he 
 could not recognize the handwriting of each corres- 
 pondent after letters were cold; and in three or 
 four instances his new advertisements brought him 
 in contact with old acquaintances whom he had 
 known under different names, and whom he had 
 so cheated that they were ready to pull the hair 
 from his head a feat which a woman effectually 
 performed on one of the occasions referred to. 
 
 The circumstances were these : he advertised 
 that a southern gentleman of ample fortune was 
 spending a few months in New York, and wanted 
 to take a bride back to his home in the sunny 
 South, and invited any lady of accomplished man- 
 ners and good standing, to correspond. In this 
 way he made the acquaintance of a w^idow, and 
 won her confidence, under the name of Truman 
 Dixon ; was invited to her house, and finally suc- 
 ceeded in borrowing three hundred dollars, under 
 
256 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 pretext that his last remittance from the South had 
 been lost in the mail ; after which, of course, he 
 vanished from the widow's sight, as he supposed, 
 forever. A year afterwards, however, he adver- 
 tised under the name of Paine, and having received 
 an answer, went to meet a lady at a matrimonial 
 office ; and when he was led into the parlor to be 
 introduced, found no other than the identical 
 widow from whom he had obtained the three hun- 
 dred dollar loan. 
 
 " You good-for-nothing villain ! you swindler ! 
 is it you ?" said the widow, flashing fire upon him . 
 with her eyes, as Roderick Dim did upon Fitz- 
 James. 
 
 " Indeed, madam," coolly replied Montgomery, 
 not for a moment losing his perfect self-possession, 
 " You surprise me. I have not the honor of know- 
 ing you, and excuse the abusive language you 
 employ, as I perceive you take me for another per- 
 son." 
 
 " None of that, Mr. Paine," replied the widow, 
 pronouncing the word "Paine" with a withering 
 sneer ; " you called yourself Truman Dixon a year 
 ago and borrowed $300 from me. I hope your 
 remittance from the South has arrived, so that you 
 can pay me the debt now." 
 
IS SEIZED BY THE HAIR. 257 
 
 " It is strange," rejoined Montgomery, alias 
 Dixon, alias Paine, " that you should be so mis- 
 taken. I am unfortunate indeed, if in my person 
 I bear any resemblance to a man who could do so 
 vile a thing as to cheat so fair a lady of the paltry 
 sum of three hundred dollars." 
 
 " Oh, none of your fine speeches here, Mr. 
 Dixon. I know that smooth, lying tongue of yours 
 too well. You are Truman Dixon, and you know 
 it as well as I do." 
 
 " I am not Truman Dixon," replied the rogue, 
 vehemently. " I owe you nothing will pay you 
 nothing. You insult a gentleman, knowing he 
 cannot chastise you. "Were you a man I would 
 break my cane over your head, if you so persisted 
 in the absurd story. As you are a woman I leave 
 you. Good day." Saying which, with well- 
 feigned indignation, Mr. Montgomery turned to- 
 ward the door. 
 
 "You don't get off in this way!" shouted the 
 widow, in whom the long-smothered desire of 
 revenge was fanned to a flame. "Pay me what 
 you owe me, you miserable, lying vagabond!" 
 And with these truthful epithets in her mouth, the 
 stalwart widow seized the retreating Paine by the 
 hair and hurled him to the floor. He was a small 
 
258 
 
 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 man, little accustomed to physical combat, and 
 stood no chance whatever in the hands of the justly 
 indignant widow, who grasped the fire-shovel and 
 "belabored him until he was grim with soot and 
 perspiration, and his collar and shirt bosom were 
 besmeared with the blood which streamed pro- 
 fusely from his nose. 
 
 Having plied her enemy with this instrument to 
 her heart's content, the widow threw it aside, and 
 seizing him by the hair again with both hands, set 
 him on his feet, and whirled him around the room 
 like a top, and finally, opening the door, gave him 
 a push which sent him sprawling in the hall, tell- 
 ing him at the same time, he was a " miserable, 
 dirty, swindling, mean, low knave," and that if 
 " he would never torment her sight with his dried- 
 np carcase again, she would call the debt paid." 
 
 Mr. Paine performed his ablutions under favor 
 of the matrimonial agent, whom he assured that the 
 whole thing was a blunder on the widow's part, 
 and left, glad to escape with his life. 
 
 Mr. Montgomery generally managed to turn his 
 matrimonial acquaintances to account in some way. 
 Ifhe could not borrow of them he would steal ; and 
 if the lady carried a gold watch he was sure to 
 get it. 
 
VISIT OF A BOSTON WIDOW. 259 
 
 Under the name of Montgomery, lie got into cor- 
 respondence with a weak-minded widow in Boston, 
 with whom he exchanged likenesses. He wrote 
 her many sentimental letters, in which he professed 
 to be struck greatly by her appearance, and assured 
 her that he was a phrenologist, and could determine 
 her character and disposition as well from her pic- 
 ture as he could by an intimate acquaintance of 
 years. He gave a very flattering account of his 
 own circumstances, painted in glowing colors the 
 beautiful home he possessed in the South, and as- 
 sured her that were he not detained in New York 
 by an unlucky illness, which, though it did not 
 confine him to his room, the doctor assured him 
 would not allow him to make a journey to Boston, 
 he would visit her immediately. Since, however, 
 he was prevented by sickness from visiting his 
 adored, would it be asking too much for her to 
 come to E"ew York ? She could spend a few days 
 pleasantly ; and this would afford opportunity to 
 form an acquaintance which he fondly believed 
 would be for their mutual happiness. 
 
 Unfortunately, the widow was foolish enough to 
 believe all the hypocritical E"ew Yorker wrote, and 
 actually came to this city and put up at a hotel in 
 Broadway. Mr. Montgomery immediately called 
 
260 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 upon her, and derived great pleasure from the fact 
 that his health (which, by the way, was always ex- 
 cellent) had so far improved as to enable him to 
 devote himself to her. They went to the opera 
 they went to the theatre they went to the museum 
 they went everywhere; and in two weeks the 
 widow returned to Boston to turn her property into 
 money and get ready for the wedding, which was 
 to be celebrated in that city, after which the happy 
 twain were to proceed to Mr. Montgomery's estates 
 in the South. 
 
 But after the widow had made all the necessary 
 dispositions, Mr. Montgomery's health failed again, 
 and she heard with regret that he would be unable 
 to bear the journey for several weeks. 
 
 " But," wrote he, " do not let this circumstance 
 delay our happiness. You have already made one 
 journey to New York on my poor account ; will 
 you make another the last one ? You have dis- 
 posed your affairs so that you have nothing to de- 
 tain you there. Why not, then, come on at once ? 
 We will be married here ; and I am sure that with 
 you to nurse me, I shall be able to go South much 
 sooner than otherwise." 
 
 The above tender epistle had precisely the effect 
 intended. The widow immediately came on to 
 
CAUTION AGAINST EOBBEKS. 261 
 
 New York, and received a warm welcome from her 
 intended husband. "Your presence has already 
 inspired me with new strength," said he. " I begin 
 to feel quite well the moment I look upon you ;" 
 which, considering that Mr. Montgomery had been 
 in perfect health for several years, was truly re- 
 markable. 
 
 " You have disposed of your property, and have 
 some money on hand, I suppose," casually remarked 
 Mr. Montgomery during the interview. 
 
 Yes." 
 
 " The reason of my mentioning it is to put you 
 on your guard. I would let no one know that I 
 had any money. This is a good hotel, and the ser- 
 vants and guests may be all honest ; still, there are 
 a great many chances for a stranger to get robbed 
 in New York, and it is always best to be careful." 
 
 " Do you think there is any danger ?" inquired 
 the widow, with some alarm. 
 
 " Oh, I don't know as there is. Still, there may 
 be. There are some very expert robbers in E"ew 
 York. 1 know a lady from the South, who was 
 stopping at a hotel here, and went to her trunk one 
 day to get some money, when she discovered it was 
 all gone. The robbers had locked the trunk again, 
 and nothing else had been disturbed. It was about 
 
262 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 
 
 a thousand dollars, and she never recovered a cent 
 of it." 
 
 " Dear me !" exlaimed the widow ; " that is near 
 the amount I have got, I should hate to lose it. 
 What would you do ?" 
 
 " Oh, I'd keep a close watch ; see that the door 
 is well fastened at night, and so on. Or, you might 
 deposit it with the landlord and take his receipt." 
 
 " I don't like to do that. Look a-here, Mr. Mont- 
 gomery," said the widow, struck by a sudden idea, 
 " won't you take charge of it ?" 
 
 " Certainly, I can do that?" 
 
 " I wish you would. I would rather have it 
 where I know it is safe." 
 
 Mr. Montgomery, with great politeness, pocketed 
 a thousand dollars of the widow's money, gener- 
 ously leaving two hundred which she said she would 
 keep herself, as she wanted to do some shopping 
 before the wedding. 
 
 Mr. Montgomery soon after bade the widow an 
 affectionate good-day, telling her he had got to go to 
 Newark on business that afternoon, and was so feeble 
 he should not be able to return until the next day. 
 
 "Whether feeble or strong, he did not return next 
 day, and the widow- has not seen him or the thou- 
 sand dollars since. 
 
CHAPTEK XXVII. 
 
 A Brief History calculated to show that a Man is liable to be 
 Mistaken. 
 
 MK. Mix got mixed up with a matrimonial office, 
 where he was introduced to a young lady named 
 
 Clara , whom he visited at her father's house. 
 
 He was quite favorably impressed with his new 
 acquaintance. She played the piano well, sung 
 well, and was witty and pretty. 
 
 One evening, on the occasion of his third or 
 fourth visit, Clara was called out by the servant, 
 who whispered to her, and asking to be excused a 
 few moments, she absented herself near half an 
 hour. 
 
 At length she returned to the parlor, apparently 
 in a state of great excitement, which it seemed 
 impossible for her to conceal, with all her efforts. 
 
 Mr. Mix expressed the hope that nothing had 
 occurred to disturb the peace and happiness of his 
 fair friend. 
 
 " I feared," replied she, " you would observe my 
 
264 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 agitation. We have been acquainted only a short 
 time, sir, but I feel I can trust you, for I believe 
 you are an honorable man ; and I find it so difficult 
 to conceal my feelings ; I know you will wonder, 
 unless I explain." 
 
 Mr. Mix replied that he had no right to expect 
 an explanation. He was pained that she should be 
 in trouble ; but whatever the cause, he was sure 
 she deserved sympathy. If she would honor him 
 with her confidence, he would serve her if it was in 
 his -power. 
 
 " You are very kind very kind, Mr. Mix, and I 
 will tell you the cause of this. Don't you think, 
 Mr. Mix, that a young lady ought to be allowed to 
 refuse or accept an offer of marriage, according to 
 her own views ?" 
 
 " ~No one else certainly can have so good a right 
 to decide." 
 
 "And don't you think it's cruel in a father to try 
 to force his daughter to marry a man whom she 
 despises, merely because he's got money?" 
 
 "Yes, I surely do." 
 
 " Oh, I think it is the crudest, worst, wickedest 
 thing a man can do !" said Clara, with great vehe- 
 mence ; " and that is just what my father is trying 
 to do with me." 
 
265 
 
 Indeed !" 
 
 " Yes. It is singular that I should feel con- 
 fidence to tell you so much, or that you should 
 take any interest in it ; but I havn't a friend in the 
 wide world I dare go to for advice, for all I have 
 spoken to yet take up on his side." Saying which 
 the forlorn Clara burst into tears ; and Mr. Mix, 
 considerably moved, expressed his sympathy and 
 his readiness to do all he could in her cause. 
 
 " I am glad you do not take up against me," said 
 
 Clara. " This man, Mr. R , is from the South, 
 
 and is very rich, and father looks at nothing else. 
 He thinks it the strangest thing in the world that I 
 should not want to marry him. I presume he is a 
 good man ; but I carft love him ; and why should 
 I be compelled to marry him ?" 
 
 " I would not be compelled to marry him," 
 replied Mr. Mix, growing savage at the old man's 
 cruelty. " Have you told this man you cannot love 
 him?" 
 
 " Yes, time and again." 
 
 " And still he persists ?" 
 
 " Yes ; he and father are together all the time. 
 He seems to think father is more to be consulted 
 than I." 
 
 " Then he is no gentleman, but a brute ;" said 
 12 
 
266 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 Mix, waxing warm with indignation. " He ought 
 to be tarred and feathered. I would see him and 
 the whole crew' sink before I would sacrifice myself 
 to such a miserable old wretch." 
 
 " He is here now," said Clara, casting a terrified 
 glance towards the next room. "He came and told 
 father he must have an answer to-night. He says 
 he has been put off and put off, and won't be put 
 off any longer. That's what I was called out for. 
 Father is very much excited, and threatens doing 
 everything bad he can think of, if I don't consent ; 
 and the man is very angry because I left the room. 
 But somehow it seemed as though I must come to 
 you, and as though you would help me out of the 
 difficulty It is very strange, isn't it ? And you 
 are so good and kind to me, to take up on my side, 
 I feel as though I had a strong protector." 
 
 " I will take up on your side, my friend," replied 
 Mix. "I will not allow these wretches to sacrifice 
 you. I am a southerner myself, and have blood 
 enough to fight any rascal who would injure you. 
 I'll go to this man and tell him candidly the truth 
 that you do not love him, and cannot love him, 
 and if he is a gentleman, or has any lingering 
 spark of decency in him, he will desist. But if he 
 persists, I will tell him your cause is mine, and if lie 
 
MIX IS BOUND TO FIGHT. 267 
 
 importunes you further, lie must fight or be posted 
 as a coward. That's the code of Chivalry." 
 
 " Oh, dear Mr. Mix ! don't fight." 
 
 " But I have taken up your quarrel, and will 
 carry it through at all hazards, as a matter of honor 
 and friendship. Is the man in the other room 
 now?" 
 
 "Yes; but" 
 
 " I will see him at once. I will call him aside 
 and talk it over coolly and candidly." 
 
 "]$To! no! don't do that." 
 
 " But I will do it. Come with me or remain, as 
 you prefer." And so saying Mr. Mix went directly 
 to the next room, in spite of the frantic efforts of 
 Clara to stop him, failing in which she let him go 
 alone, and ran off up stairs sobbing. 
 
 Mr. Mix entered the large sitting-room adjoin- 
 ing the parlor, where he had been assured this 
 hard-hearted southern wretch was, at that moment, 
 pressing the father to an immediate answer. He 
 was quite surprised to find the old gentleman alone, 
 with a cigar in his mouth, quietly reading his even- 
 ing paper in gown and slippers. 
 
 " Good evening, Mr. Mix, take a seat, sir," said 
 the old gentleman in a polite and friendly manner. 
 
 Mr. Mix was a good deal surprised, but com- 
 
268 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 plied with the invitation. . "Where is Mr. E ?" 
 
 he inquired, after looking about in vain for that 
 gentleman to " turn up." 
 
 " Mr. E , indeed, sir, I don't know," replied 
 
 the old gentleman. " Has Mr. E been here ? 
 
 I have not the honor of his acquaintance." 
 
 " Ah, I was a little mistaken, I suppose," replied 
 Mix. " He is a friend of mine, and I thought I 
 heard his voice." 
 
 " It was probably some of the servants," rejoined 
 the father. " They have been talking." 
 
 " Then you are not acquainted with my friend 
 
 Mr. E ," resumed Mix, determined to find if 
 
 there was any foundation for Clara's melancholy 
 story. 
 
 " No, sir, I have not that honor." 
 
 " He is a very fine gentleman from my part of 
 Yirginia. I suppose you have some prejudices 
 against southerners, up here ?" 
 
 " Well, as to that, I have no particular preju- 
 dices, one way or the other. I never had much 
 acquaintance South. Indeed, sir, I believe you are 
 the first southerner that ever visited in my house, 
 and I am sure I should have no quarrel with them 
 if they are all as gentlemanly as yourself, although 
 [ believe slavery is a great sin." 
 
MR. MIX REFLECTS. 269 
 
 Mr. Mix duly acknowledged the compliment to 
 himself, and bade the old gentleman good night. 
 He had the privilege of helping himself to his hat 
 in the hall, and left without another view of the 
 persecuted Clara, under the impression that his 
 chivalric demonstration in her behalf was quite un- 
 called for, and that the young lady's plan to draw 
 him into an immediate proposal of marriage, was 
 quite ingenious, but rather overdone. 
 
CHAPTER XXYIII. 
 
 The Trials and Triumphs of Mr. Patrick McGrath Squatter Sover- 
 eignty in New York The Feud of the O'Fynns and the O'Dono- 
 hues How Mrs. O'Fynn demolished Doors A Demijohn of 
 Whisky is stolen The terrible Engagement to which it led 
 The Belligerents cooled off with boiling Water Another Wed- 
 ding. 
 
 THE iipper portion of New York Island, as all the 
 world knows, is very stony ; and numerous repre- 
 sentatives of the Emerald Isle, exercising the unde- 
 fined prerogatives of squatter sovereigns, have, like 
 the wise man, built their shanties upon a rock, and 
 there, safely domiciled with their wives, children 
 and pigs, bid open defiance to the owners of the 
 granite foundations of their homes. 
 
 Among those squatter sovereigns, Daniel O'Don- 
 nell occupies a firm position ; and in the house of 
 Daniel O'Donnell, a few months since, lived Pa- 
 trick McGrath, a young man who was born in Ire- 
 land, but came to this country to seek his fortunes ; 
 and finding his cousin O'Donnell exercising the 
 profession to which he had himself been bred, to 
 
MR. M C GRATH IS CRUEL. 271 
 
 wit, that of a hod-carrier, was very glad to take 
 board in his family, and with him "abide the chances 
 of getting work ; and it affords us great pleasure to 
 record that in this he was highly successful. 
 
 Mr. McGrath possessed qualities which won the 
 admiration of the young ladies who dwelt on the 
 surrounding rocks ; 
 
 " For Pat was a broth of a boy, 
 And a broth of a boy was he." 
 
 Nevertheless, when Mr. McGrath decided to get 
 married, he caused no little jealousy and dissatisfac- 
 tion, by summarily throwing overboard the entire 
 army of admirers with whom he had exchanged 
 many tender glances, and by going to a matrimo- 
 nial office up town, kept by one of his country- 
 women. 
 
 At the matrimonial office, Mr. McGrath was in- 
 troduced to Jane O'Fynn, the daughter of James 
 O'Fynn, ditch-digger, who occupies the second 
 story of a brick house near 50th street, Mr. O'Do- 
 nohue and family occupying the first floor. 
 
 It is well known that unhappy differences have 
 long divided this house against itself, and arrayed 
 the inhabitants of the first and second floors in 
 deadly feud. 
 
272 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 The causes of these differences are manifold. In 
 the first place, it is evident to every impartial per- 
 son, that the hall is necessary to both families, and 
 that both are entitled to equal rights therein ; for if 
 the O'Fynns cannot get into the hall they cannot 
 mount the stairs, and their apartments on the second 
 floor become of very little use indeed. It is equally 
 evident that the hall is necessary to Mr. O'Dono- 
 hue and family, being the only way of ingress and 
 egress to and from the street. 
 
 But while impartial persons must and will admit 
 the necessity of making the hall neutral ground, 
 where the rights of both families shall be equally re- 
 spected, the O'Fynns and the O'Donohues both at- 
 tempted to gain exclusive possession and use thereof. 
 
 Mr. O'Donohue forbade Mr. O'Fynn and all his 
 family the use of the hall ; and Mr. O'Fynn for- 
 bade Mr. O'Donohue and Ms family the use of the 
 hall. Mr. O'Donohue, to enforce his authority, had 
 the hall-door locked behind him, when he went to 
 his business one morning, and told Mrs. O'Donohue 
 to put the key in her pocket, and not take it out 
 until he or his son got home. But during the day 
 Mrs. O'Fynn wanted to go into the street, which 
 led to a demand on her part for the key, which 
 Mrs. O'Donohue refused ; whereupon the two fell 
 
A FEMALE TUSSEL. 273 
 
 to fighting in the absence of their husbands, and 
 had a vigorous battle of an hour's duration. The 
 result, however, was not decisive, except that Mrs. 
 O'Donohue succeeded in keeping the key securely 
 in her pocket ; and Mrs. O'Fynn, despairing of get- 
 ting it by force or otherwise, went to the yard and 
 got a broad-axe, with "which she demolished the 
 door in the space of eighteen seconds, declaring she 
 would serve Mr. O'Donohue in the same way, if he 
 ever locked her in again. 
 
 Owing to this and various other occurrences, of 
 equal public importance, but which we have not 
 the space fully to record in this volume as they in 
 fact, would of themselves form a volume the rela- 
 tions of the two families were of a hostile nature at 
 the time Mr. McGrath was introduced as a suitor 
 for the hand of Jane O'Fynn ; and on the occasion 
 of his first visit to Jane, as he was leaving the 
 house, a small boy belonging to the hostile party, 
 attempted to trip him up ; whereupon he took the 
 offending juvenile by the collar and stuck him into 
 a mud-hole near by. This was regarded as a decla- 
 ration of war an actual commencement of hos- 
 tilities; and from that day forth the feeling 
 between Patrick and the O'Donohues was warlike 
 in the extreme. 
 
 12* 
 
271 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 Mr. McGrath, however, made rapid progress in 
 his courtship ; and a few days before the wedding, 
 it was resolved to cement the bonds of good fellow- 
 ship by a quantity of whisky punch, an article in 
 the compounding of which Mr. McGrath believed 
 he stood unrivalled. 
 
 The necessary ingredients were accordingly 
 obtained, the water was put on the stove, and the 
 family forgot their cares and quarrels in anticipa- 
 tion of a delightful carouse. 
 
 But the evil eyes of Mr. O'Donohue were upon 
 them, even in this hour of happiness ; and that 
 gentleman, watching his opportunity when the 
 backs of all were turned, slipped in unobserved, 
 and carried off the demijohn of whisky, which, 
 unluckily, stood near the door. 
 
 The discovery of this foul robbery, a few minutes 
 afterwards, suddenly changed the delightful antici- 
 pations of the party to consternation and rage. 
 They knew at once who had perpetrated the lar- 
 ceny ; and all agreed that the property must be 
 recovered, and the insults paid back. 
 
 Mr. O'Donohue had a son grown to manhood, 
 who lived a't home, besides the small O'Donohue 
 already referred to. Mr. OTynn had no son, but, 
 with Mr. McGrath, could match him in numbers, 
 
MR. O'DONOIIUE is BELEAGURED. 275 
 
 as Jane, it was believed, was more than equal to 
 disposing of the juvenile, and Mrs. O'Fynn claimed 
 to have whipped Mrs. O'Donohue in the memorable 
 struggle for the key. 
 
 In about thirty seconds after the discovery of 
 the robbery, Mr. O'Fynn's army inarched upon 
 the fortress of O'Donohue. It consisted of his 
 entire force, male and female. Mr. O'Donohue, 
 however, was not found unprepared. He had 
 fastened his door; but Mrs. O'Fynn, in double 
 quick time, brought the overpowering broad-axe, 
 and it was levelled to the ground at a single stroke, 
 and the invading host entered the enemy's camp. 
 Then there was a pause, like the fatal lull of the 
 tempest before its most terrible and destructive 
 outbreak. 
 
 " What do ye want, gintlemen?" asked Mr. 
 O'Donohue, at the same time displaying a shillalah 
 of fearful dimensions. 
 
 " A praty question for ye to ask, ye black- 
 guard, ye thafe !" replied Mr. O'Fynn. " What 
 should we be afther wanting but the whasky, ye 
 thafe ?" 
 
 " What whasky 's that ye're spakin'-uv, ye black- 
 guard? 1 ' said Mr. O'Donohue, who still confined 
 his remarks to the interrogatory form. 
 
276 MATRIMONIAL BEOKEEAGE. 
 
 "The whasky you stole, thafe!" replied Mr. 
 O'Fynn. 
 
 "Ye lie!" sliouted Mr. O'Donohue, for the first 
 time assuming the positive style of conversation. 
 
 "This speech was the signal for the grand 
 encounter. Mr. O'Fynn and Mr. O'Donohue, each 
 simultaneously wielded his ponderous shillalah 
 in the air, and let it descend full upon the body 
 of his antagonist, while the son of the latter grap- 
 pled with the stalwart and soon-to-be-married 
 Patrick McGrath ; and the females commenced abus- 
 ing each other with the tongue, not being prepared 
 for battle without a dispute to warm the blood. 
 
 The struggle between Mr. O'Fynn and Mr. 
 O'Donohue was of short duration. The latter 
 soon worsted his antagonist so much that he quite 
 abandoned the club, and getting astride of him, 
 applied his fists to his face with something of the 
 unction which inspired Morrissey, when he pum- 
 melled the Benicia Boy. 
 
 It is not to be supposed that the devoted and 
 affectionate Mrs. O'Fynn could stand idle and see 
 her husband pounded to mincemeat before her 
 eyes. She therefore seized the weapon which Mr. 
 O'Donohue had let fall, and gave that worthy gen- 
 tleman a blow which sent him headlong to the 
 
A SCALDING BAPTISM. 277 
 
 floor, and inflicted a cut in the side of his head, from 
 which the blood poured out, clotting the hair and 
 covering the face. 
 
 " Murther !" screamed Mrs. O'Donohue. " Mur- 
 ther! yeVe kilt me hoosband!" and with this 
 assertion she charged Mrs. O'Fynn with a chair, 
 in such energetic style that the latter soon fell 
 prostrate on the field. 
 
 These proceedings had caused a brief suspension 
 of hostilities between the belligerent young men, 
 each of whom had his hands full, and they now 
 rushed to the assistance of their friends. 
 
 While they were struggling together in a wild 
 heap of confusion, the juvenile O'Donohue, who, 
 up to this time had remained an inactive spectator 
 of the scene, seized by a sudden emotion of patriot- 
 ism, rushed to the stove, and taking the kettle of 
 water which was heating for the punch, to be com- 
 pounded of the stolen whisky, and which by this 
 time was boiling, and threw the scalding contents 
 full upon the struggling host, without reference to 
 friend or foe. 
 
 It may appear strange that boiling water should 
 cool off a party of excited men ; but such was the 
 case. They all stopped, as indeed they had reason 
 to ; for one had blisters on his face, another on his 
 
278 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 hands, another on the back, etc., and the battle 
 ceased by universal consent. 
 
 It was found that in the conflict the disputed 
 demijohn had been upset, and its inspiring contents 
 offered up on the shrine of Mars. There was, con- 
 sequently, nothing more to fight about, and Mr. 
 O'Fynn and his army of occupation retired to the 
 second floor, to discuss the events of the evening. 
 
 Next day Mr. O'Donohue had Mr. O'Fynn 
 arrested for assault and battery, and in about a 
 week the case canie up in Special Sessions, known 
 also as the "Poor Man's Court," the same in which 
 the versatile Joseph answered for rifling the money 
 drawer. 
 
 Mr. O'Donohue swore that while engaged in a 
 peaceable manner in the duties of the household, 
 Mr. O'Fynn broke into his room with a gang, and 
 assaulted him, inflicting divers dangerous wounds, 
 which compelled him to have his head done up in 
 the manner the court saw it. Being asked what 
 instrument Mr. O'Fynn used, he swore that it was 
 a slung-shot, and that there was a hole in the side 
 of his head so large that one might lay two fingers 
 in it. The opposing lawyer denied that there was 
 any wound on his head, and insisted that he should 
 take off the bandage, which excited Mr. O'Donohue 
 
MR. O'DOXOHUE'S BANDAGED HEAD. 279 
 
 so much, the court thought there must be some- 
 thing in it, and made him remove the bandage, 
 when it was discovered that there was only a slight 
 scratch, as Mrs. O'Fynn's blow had resulted in no 
 other mischief than a small loss of blood. 
 
 Mr. O'Donohue sustained his evidence by the 
 testimony of his entire family ; but when the wit- 
 nesses for the defence, including Mr. McGrath, were 
 called, they all swore as positively the reverse, and 
 made it out that Mr. O'Donohue struck the first 
 blow. They also related the stealing of the punch 
 a fact which Mr. O'Donohue and his witnesses 
 had entirely overlooked. 
 
 The judge remarked that the two families had 
 often been in court before, and had a habit of swear- 
 ing directly against each other, w r hich was really in- 
 tolerable ; said there seemed to be nothing in the 
 case, and he should dismiss it, and intimated that 
 if the parties ever troubled him with their miser- 
 able brawls again, he would send the whole gang 
 to Blackwell's Island as disorderly characters. 
 
 Mr. McGrath did not allow these quarrels to in- 
 terrupt his courtship, which he pursued with com- 
 mendable perseverance. 
 
 As we have not had the gratification of recording 
 a wedding, since that of the renowned German in 
 
280 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE, 
 
 the fifth chapter, we take pleasure in saying that 
 Patrick McGrath and Jane O'Fynn were married a 
 few days after the occurrences related; and that 
 Mr. McGrath now resides on a rock, among the 
 squatter sovereigns of the upper end of New York 
 Island. May his wedded life be more prosperous 
 than that of Mr. Altkopf. 
 
CHAPTEK XXIX. 
 
 The advantages of knowing German Mr. Black's Adventure with a 
 Maid from Faderland A very fine Scheme is discussed in his 
 presence, which he has the good fortune to understand. 
 
 A YOUNG American of this city, wlio had acquired 
 some knowledge of the German language, saw an 
 advertisement that a young and accomplished Ger- 
 man lady desired to form the acquaintance of an 
 intelligent and appreciating gentleman, with a view 
 to matrimony. He answered it, and received a re- 
 ply inviting him to meet the advertiser at a certain 
 matrimonial office on the west side of the town, the 
 next Sunday afternoon. 
 
 He went, and found her very good-looking, and 
 well-dressed, and although he had from the first 
 supposed her a humbug, was at a loss to determine 
 her aims ; but he was not long left in doubt. 
 
 She was accompanied by a young girl who was 
 dressed like a child, but whom he thought older 
 than her costume indicated. 
 
 "Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" said the young lady. 
 But Mr. Black determined to feign ignorance of the 
 
 231 
 
282 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 language in which she addressed him, thinking it 
 might lead to some interesting developments. He 
 therefore asked her the meaning of what she had 
 said. 
 
 " Oh, you don't speak German, then ? I only 
 asked you if you speak it ; but as you do not, we 
 will converse in English ; and this little girl here 
 will not understand a word of it, so you need feel 
 no embarrassment on her account." 
 
 She then turned to the little girl, and said, in 
 German : 
 
 " Look out, girl, and not speak a word of English, 
 nor seem to understand a word that is said." 
 
 "I won't," answered the juvenile. 
 
 Mr. Black praised the language and literature of 
 Germany, expressed great regret that he had not 
 had better opportunity to study them, asked his 
 new friend's opinion of Goethe and Schiller, 
 and found she discussed those authors in a man- 
 ner which displayed considerable familiarity with 
 them. 
 
 But in the midst of the conversation she would 
 often address her young companion, and the 
 substance of the conversation carried on between 
 them at different times, was as follows : 
 
 Young lady. You see by this man's dress and 
 
AN ENTERTAINING DIALOGUE. 283 
 
 conversation, lie must have money. There are a 
 gold jwatcli and chain, worth I presume a hundred 
 dollars. Look at his gold buttons and studs ; see 
 what an elegant cravat and diamond on it. 
 
 Girl. Yes, and he is not very strong, and I be- 
 lieve you can easily get him to go with you. You 
 see he loves poetry. Talk with him about that, 
 and finally ask him to go with you and see your 
 books. 
 
 Young ladij. I will manage that part of it well 
 enough. All I want of you is to follow my instruc- 
 tions. 
 
 Girl. You'd better contrive to find out if he's 
 got any money about him now. 
 
 This conversation was perfectly intelligible to 
 Mr. Black, who was at a loss whether to be more 
 indignant or amused at the scheme which his new 
 female friends were discussing, under the impres- 
 sion that it was all Greek to him 
 
 It was in the winter season, and night soon came 
 on. The girl suggested to the young lady it was 
 time to bring matters to a crisis. 
 
 The young lady then began to discuss a robbery 
 which she had been reading in one of the papers, 
 and to remark on the danger of carrying money 
 about one, especially in the night. Black, under- 
 
284 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 standing perfectly the drift of her remarks, facili- 
 tated her progress in knowledge, by saying he 
 never had thought of such a thing as being robbed, 
 and never carried less than a hundred or two hun- 
 dred dollars with him. " In fact," said he, " I 
 believe I have three hundred or more with me to- 
 night." 
 
 " But you go armed of course," said the young 
 lady. 
 
 " Oh, no ; I never carried weapons in my life ; 
 nothing more than a jack-knife," said he, laughing. 
 
 "But I should think you would be afraid of 
 being robbed." 
 
 " No oh no ; I never was molested yet, and I've 
 been around New York at all hours." 
 
 The two females regarded each other with lively 
 satisfaction. 
 
 " You have a great love for poetry, I see," 
 said the young lady, abruptly changing the sub- 
 ject. 
 
 "I am an admirer of poetry and art," replied 
 Black. 
 
 " I am always delighted to make the acquaint- 
 ance of such persons ; and although I never, of 
 course, ask strangers to my home, I feel that our 
 love of the poets and painters makes us old friends. 
 
THE LITTLE GIKL's EEEAND. 285 
 
 I have a collection of the poets and of paintings, 
 in which I take more pride, perhaps, than they 
 warrant ; but I have spent all my life in collecting 
 and studying them, both in Germany and in this 
 country; and it would give me great pleasure, I 
 assure yon, sir, whatever may be the result of this 
 singular acquaintance, to have you look them over." 
 
 " You do me great honor, madam," replied 
 Black. 
 
 " "Would it please you to walk over this evening, 
 Mr. Black P 
 
 " Nothing, I assure you, would afford me greater 
 pleasure." 
 
 Exchanging significant glances with her com- 
 panion, the young lady said to her : 
 
 " You see now that everything is ready. Hurry 
 back as soon as you can, and tell Tom and Bill he 
 has got $300 and a gold watch, and is not armed. 
 1 will start out in just forty minutes. They must 
 hurry down to street, there by the new build- 
 ing and vacant lot. As we pass they will attack 
 us, and I will faint away. They can soon rob him, 
 and I shall know nothing about them, of course. 
 Now hurry as fast as you can. It is just ten 
 minutes past five, and at six precisely I shall 
 start." 
 
286 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 The girl departed, according to orders ; and tho 
 young lady, turning to Black, said : 
 
 " I have sent her home in advance to have a fire 
 
 built in the library. I wish to see Mrs. a few 
 
 moments, and beg to be excused." 
 
 She was gone near half an hour, returned, and 
 after conversing a few minutes, looked at her 
 watch and said the library would be ready by the 
 time they got there, and if he was willing they 
 would go. 
 
 " 1st es schon sechs Uhr ?" said Black, looking 
 at his watch. " Sie haben dem kleinen Madchen 
 versprochen um sechs Uhr auszugehen. Hat es 
 Zeit gehabt mit Ihren Freunden Tom und Bill zu 
 sprechen ?" 
 
 The astonishment and dismay of the commander 
 of Ticonderoga, when Ethan Allen burst into his 
 sleeping apartment, and v demanded the surrender 
 of the fortress, was not more complete than that of 
 the German beauty, when Mr. Black opened upon 
 her the above volley of German, showing her not 
 only that he could speak the language, but that he 
 understood the scheme of robbery which had been 
 discussed in his presence. 
 
 " You told me you did not speak German," she 
 finally stammered, after a long pause. 
 
A SPEECHLESS MAIDEN. 287 
 
 " I beg your pardon, madam, I did not say so. 
 You took it for granted ; and you probably see 
 now that I understood all the conversation between 
 you and that girl. I must be excused from paying 
 my respects to your friends Tom and Bill, in the 
 new building, to-night, and I wish you good even- 
 
 ing." 
 
 Mr. Black received no reply from the young 
 lady, who was, indeed, quite speechless with 
 chagrin, and he left her to contemplate her books 
 and paintings at her leisure. 
 
CHAPTEE XXX. 
 
 Physicians and their Love Secrets Dr. Bland His Promises, and 
 how they are fulfilled How to become Invisible How to win the 
 Obstinate, etc., etc. The Mayor stops the Doctor's Letters 
 The Doctor is Arrested He admits that he is a Humbug. 
 
 THERE are numerous pretended physicians in this 
 city, who claim to possess charms that will " gain 
 the lasting affection of the opposite sex." Those 
 who have wooed in vain, have but to practise the 
 arts they teach, and all obstacles will disappear. 
 
 The deceptions of these quacks are so transpa- 
 rent that none but the most ignorant are victim- 
 ized. Their claims are mere advertisements for 
 worthless, if not injurious mixtures, which, under 
 pretence of miraculous powers, they sell to the cre- 
 dulous at exorbitant prices. 
 
 Dr. R. Bland, whose business is carried on in a 
 small room on the fourth floor, in Nassau street, 
 and who resides in Thirteenth street, has not been 
 excelled by his competitors, either in the magni- 
 ficence of his promises, or his failure to fulfill 
 them. 
 
 233 
 
WISDOM AND ENTERTAINMENT. 289 
 
 He has published and sent over the country a 
 small sheet, called the The New York Journal, in 
 which he has heralded the fictitious fame of his 
 arts, and the glory of his pretended achieve- 
 ments, 
 
 A large portion of this sheet is devoted to the 
 advertisement of a twenty-five cent book, of which 
 he is the author, and which, according to the 
 announcement, is the most valuable work ever 
 published. It not only teaches the entire art of 
 beauty, courtship, and marriage, but scores of 
 things as wild and, wonderful as ever entered the 
 brain of an oriental dreamer. 
 
 The modest title of this precious volume is as 
 follows : 
 
 " The Secret Clue to Courtship, Love, and Marriage, and the 
 Road to Health, Wealth, Fame, and Honor. This book shows how 
 the single of both sexes may secure wedded bliss ; how love may 
 be won by all ; how the homely may be made handsome ; tho 
 ignorant wise ; the diffident courageous, and the sick healthful. It 
 explains, in a distinct manner, comprehensible to all, how the 
 manners, deportment, and personal appearance of everybody, 
 favored or otherwise by nature, can be made charming, fascinat- 
 ing, and the envy of the public. It shows, also, how poverty, 
 wretchedness, and suffering may be averted, by giving plans by 
 which thousands of the old and young of both sexes can find 
 employment, and gain riches. Replete with wisdom and enter- 
 tainment." 
 
 13 
 
290 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 In the advertisement of the book are specified 
 numerous extraordinary arts it teaches, from which 
 we select the following specimens : 
 
 " How to beautify a woman, to make her face look pale, or full of 
 pimples, or to change her whole appearance altogether, or as desired. 
 
 " How to render fences, posts, siding of buildings, roofs, etc., to 
 last one hundred years, and then present no appearance of age or 
 wear. 
 
 " How to extract gold out of all dirt, sand, gravel, etc., by a 
 new, chemical, and very cheap process. 
 
 " How, after the manner of mushrooms, to raise abundant crops 
 of grass and clover, without seed. 
 
 " How a common hen's egg may be made to grott larger than a 
 man's head. 
 
 " The whole secret of love and beauty ; also how to be hand- 
 some. How to win the lasting affection of the opposite sex. 
 
 "How to make a charm against judges and juries, etc. 
 
 " To know what your future wife or husband is to be. 
 
 " How to make a matrimonial, or love-letter charm. 
 
 " How to know when a person will be married. 
 
 " How to court an American woman, a French woman, a red- 
 haired woman, a German woman, an Irish woman, an English 
 woman, a Spanish woman, a quadroon, a Quakeress. 
 
 " The whole art of courtship, love and marriage. 
 
 " How to make whiskers grow on boys or men at any age, and 
 of exceeding beauty. 
 
 " How to draw lucky numbers in lotteries, and be successful in 
 all games of chance. 
 
 " How to obtain a knowledge by the use of which we can foretell 
 all things to come. 
 
THE DOCTOR IN VENICE. 291 
 
 " How, by the use of pepper, to dry up the human body. 
 
 " How to increase the weight and measure of wheat, rice, rye, 
 one-third ; also spices, coffee, etc. 
 
 " How to make all the hair on the head, whiskers, eyebrows, 
 etc., to fall off. 
 
 " To cause a room to appear all on fire, awful to behold. 
 
 " How to eat and handle fire without harm. 
 
 " How to roast chickens, fish, meat, etc., without fire. 
 
 " How to cook a fowl and still have him alive. 
 
 " How to become invisible, so that one may enter a store or 
 house when full of people, and carry off any number of things, 
 without being seen. 
 
 "How to make one dollar appear like, and be satisfactorily 
 received as two dollars." 
 
 The public will surely be indebted to the writer, 
 if he gives them a correct idea of a book which 
 teaches so many invaluable arts. It cannot be 
 doubted but all would at times, find it convenient 
 to make one dollar go for two dollars; and the 
 faculty of becoming invisible would be of great 
 utility, especially to those who are troubled with 
 scolding wives, creditors, or sheriffs. As tin's 
 appears to be one of the most miraculous of the 
 gifts which the celebrated doctor teaches, we copy 
 that portion of the book relating to it : 
 
 " When I last had occasion to visit Venice for, with ByroD, I 
 
 can say, 
 
 " ' I stood in Venice on the Bridge of Sighs, 
 
 A palace and a prison on each hand,' 
 
292 MATRIMONIAL BKOKEKAGE. 
 
 I noticed that many persons, who had an excellent education, 
 dressed and lived well, and mixed in good society, were known to 
 be without property. They had incomes, I was told, but no estates. 
 A great many of these people would disappear from sight a day 
 or two in the week, and nobody knew where they went. In fact, 
 this thing was so generally practised, that none of the Venetians, 
 from being used to it, paid any attention to the matter. Being a 
 stranger, it naturally attracted my notice, and finally excited my 
 curiosity, vastly. I am of a very inquisitive turn of mind, as my 
 readers, no doubt, are aware by this time. To learn everything 
 that is worth knowing, has been my motto through life ; and I 
 almost feel like welcoming death for the sake of penetrating the 
 mysteries of the world of spirits. 
 
 " In the house where I lived, was an Adonis of a fellow who had 
 fine apartments, and who enjoyed all the creature comforts avail- 
 able in the city of the Adriatic. He dressed superbly, always had 
 money, and lived altogether as well as many a small continental 
 prince ; but I was told that he did not possess a ducat's worth of 
 property. 
 
 "'Was he an opera singer?' I asked. 'No.' 'A musician?' 
 'No.' 'An author?' 'No.' 'A politician?' 'No.' 'A govern- 
 ment spy ?' ' No.' ' A gambler ?' ' No, no, no.' 
 
 " Well, what could he be, then ? I thought, and asked myself the 
 question a thousand times. Surely he had not discovered the phi- 
 losopher's stone, or found a gold mine! His money must come 
 from somewhere, there was no denying that ! I observed that he, 
 too, was missing two days every week, and that none of my fellow 
 lodgers (several of them had their days of disappearance also) 
 chose to know or suspect anything of the nature of the business 
 that occupied his attention during those curious days. 
 
 " I cultivated his acquaintance, and after a while succeeded in 
 
THE AKT OF BECOMING INVISIBLE. 293 
 
 gaining his confidence. Finally, I ventured, in a delicate manner, 
 to introduce the subject of his absence from his outside haunts for 
 two days out of every week speaking of it in a playful way, and 
 .skillfully alluding to the fact that I was a stranger, which accounted 
 for my inquisitiveness. He seemed disconcerted at first, but in 
 a few moments recovered his affability and equanimity of tem- 
 per, and promised to satisfy my curiosity at his earliest conveni- 
 ence. 
 
 " About a week after this conversation was held, he said to me 
 with a serious air : 
 
 " ' To-morrow I vanish again.' 
 
 " 'And the reasons?' I begun. 
 
 "'Shall be made known to you then. At what time do you 
 rise y 
 
 " * With the sun,' I answered. 
 
 " * At sunrise, then, I will knock at the door of your chamber. 
 You will be dressed ?' 
 
 " ' Are we to go out then ?' I asked. 
 
 " ' Oh, no ; you need not take off your robe de chambre? he replied 
 with a smile. 
 
 " lie was at my door next morning at the appointed time, and it 
 is perhaps needless to say, that I was ' up and dressed,' waiting to 
 receive him. In silence he conducted me to his own apartments, 
 entered with me, and after carefully securing us from interruption 
 by the aid of bolts and bars, bade me be seated. Taking a seat 
 beside me, he said : 
 
 " ' You see, signer, every man has his secret. Mine is life, 
 wealth, everything to me. I am the younger son of a noble family, 
 the heads of which died in poverty, leaving me nothing but an ex- 
 cellent education and a robust constitution. I found it necessary 
 to earn money, in order that I might not starve, and I was deter- 
 
294: MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 mined to do so without sullying my family name, by becoming a 
 shopman or a recognized mechanic. I also made up my mind to 
 avoid continuous, vulgar labor ; in short, I settled with myself to 
 live like a gentleman, as a man of my birth ought to do. Perse- 
 verance will accomplish anything, mon cher ami. After repeated 
 failures, I hit upon a plan by which I am enabled to do all this and 
 more. Look here.' 
 
 " He then arose from his seat, and pulled what appeared to me to be 
 a damask table-cloth, spread over an ordinary table, away from where 
 it was lying, and revealed a neat stand, with drawers, etc. Upon 
 this stand were lying, in various stages of preparation, a number 
 of plates of glass. I approached and examined them. I had the 
 secret of the Venetian's income at once. lie was an etcher and 
 engraver on glass. The art, he assured me, had for a long time 
 been lost; but hi looking over some old monkish manuscripts, he had 
 been fortunate enough to acquire the information necessary to re- 
 vive it 
 
 " ' But the process ?' I eagerly said. 
 
 " ' Is known only to me of us two. I shall not disclose it.' This 
 declaration he made so abruptly that I forbore to trouble him 
 any further upon the subject at that time. 
 
 " Two months after that I left Venice, never to return. Just as 
 I was ready to start, my Adonis of a friend placed a neat little 
 package in my hand, and bade me good bye. I have never seen or 
 heard of him since. The package contained a full account of his 
 etching and engraving on glass. I have it yet, and will dispose of 
 it to any person who will send me five dollars." 
 
 Such, O reader ! is the fulfillment of Dr. Eland's 
 promise to teach by his book, the art of walking like 
 an unseen spirit among men. This he does by offer- 
 
MATRIMONIAL PROMISES. 205 
 
 ing, for five dollars, a recipe for etching and en- 
 graving on glass, worth as much as the same surface 
 of blank paper. 
 
 Great as is the contrast between the promise and 
 the fulfillment abrupt as is the descent from the 
 sublime to the ridiculous this is an exact illus- 
 tration of the services Dr. Bland performs for 
 humanity in this volume. 
 
 The matrimonial promises of the doctor are mag- 
 nificent. " I hope to see the day," says he, " when 
 old maids and old bachelors will be regarded as 
 rare curiosities." 
 
 Look now at the manner in which he proposes to 
 bring about this matrimonial millennium. 
 
 After some general directions, in which young 
 men are advised, if they would win a young lady, 
 to be coquettish when she is coquettish, and to 
 treat her in all respects as her conduct deserves ; 
 the young of both sexes are advised to dress 
 well, and patronize good tailors, shoemakers, and 
 dentists. " Speaking of these foldkes," continues 
 the doctor, " reminds me that dentists are amon^ 
 
 ' O 
 
 those most to overcharge for their goods and their 
 services. For a set of teeth they charge from $150 
 to $300. This is outrageous and extortionate in 
 the highest degree. I can furnish as fine a set of 
 
296 MATRIMONIAL BKOKEEAGE. 
 
 teeth as ever was seen . . . for tlie nominal sum 
 of $20." 
 
 Ladies are requested to let the natural color of 
 the hair remain, and not attempt to change it ; and 
 in a foot note the doctor says : " I have a prepara- 
 tion composed entirely from oriental herbs, that 
 will restore hair to its natural color, no matter ho\v 
 grey it is. ... I will send one bottle on receipt of 
 three dollars." 
 
 Constitutional awkwardness is assigned as one 
 reason why people remain single ; and in a foot 
 note the public is informed that the doctor has a 
 mixture which will overcome timidity and awk- 
 wardness, which he will forward for two dollars per 
 half pint bottle. 
 
 The public is also notified that the doctor has 
 discovered a potent mixture which he calls 
 " Cupid's Bouquet," which " exerts such power as 
 was supposed, in the palmy days of the Israelites, 
 to be swayed by the thick incense that stole 
 through the aisles of the temple, and appeared to 
 ascend to God, bearing men's prayers with it." . . . 
 " Its influence upon myself," continues the doctor, 
 " who have been familiar with it for fifteen years, 
 is vast, so vast that it is sometimes a source of 
 astonishment. , . Yet I am not anxious to dis- 
 
curio's BOUQUET. 297 
 
 pose of it. However, as it is of value to all who 
 desire to feel easy in mind, brilliant in spirits, and 
 healthful in body, and diffuse a loving and lovable 
 atmosphere wherever it is carried, I think it my 
 duty to accommodate my friends arid readers with 
 it if they want it. The directions are few. It is to 
 be dropped upon the apparel of yourself, and of 
 those of whose good wishes you feel anxious to be 
 possessed. A drop will suffice for one occasion. 
 This may be applied to the person of a friend with- 
 out detection. ... I will send a phial of this rare 
 preparation to any address, upon the receipt of five 
 dollars. I have been offered as high as $1,000 for 
 the recipe, but I will never part with it while I 
 live. After I am dead, my heirs may do what 
 they please with it." 
 
 These specimens will show the method which Dr. 
 Bland, and all others of his class take, to dispose 
 of their worthless compounds. If you would win a 
 husband or wife, pay Dr. Bland five dollars for 
 Cupid's bouquet ; if you would not oversleep your- 
 self, pay Dr. Bland two dollars for the " London 
 Morning Glory ;" if you would have beautiful 
 eyes, pay Dr. Bland two dollars for his " Court 
 Eye Balm ;" if you would be rich, pay Dr. Bland 
 
 13* 
 
298 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 three or five dollars for a recipe for " India Ink," 
 and so on to the end. 
 
 The public, whom the doctor thus faithfully 
 serves, will be pained to learn that the authorities 
 of this city do not appreciate him ; and that the 
 mayor actually stopped his letters, believing the 
 name Bland to be fictitious. Immediately the name 
 of S. Hankinson appeared as the one to which 
 letters should be addressed, and the individual 
 dealing in the secrets and arts discussed in this 
 chapter, assured the reporters that was his real 
 name. Since that, however, he has again been 
 operating under the name of Bland. 
 
 But the police again interfered with this gentle- 
 man. The mayor issued a warrant for his arrest ; 
 he was taken into custody, his papers were seized 
 as indecent, and the doctor held to bail. 
 
 When the officers arrested him, he threatened 
 them with terrible vengeance if they touched his 
 things ; and his lawyer assured them they made 
 the seizure at their peril. But they were not over- 
 awed by these threats ; and a bystander advised 
 the doctor to put in practice the art of becoming 
 invisible, which he professed to teach. " Come, 
 doctor," said he, " convince us you are not a hum- 
 bug. Let us see you disappear !" But owing to a 
 
CONFESSION TO A EErOETKR. 290 
 
 want of power or inclination, the advice was not 
 followed ; and the doctor lias since been arraigned 
 by the grand jury, against which, it seems, he did 
 not use his potent charm. 
 
 After he was admitted to bail, a reporter one day 
 met him at the entrance of his office, as he was 
 going into the street, and the doctor commenced 
 conversation in reference to the affair, and the 
 manner in which the reporters had written about 
 him. "You have shown me no mercy," said he, 
 good-naturedly. 
 
 ""We have written nothing but the truth, doc- 
 tor," replied he. " You would not of course sup- 
 pose us such fools as to believe in the absurd stories 
 you palm, off on the ignorant." 
 
 " Oh, no," replied the doctor ; " of course you 
 know there is a great deal of humbug, but you see 
 we must all live." 
 
 " You must have many interesting cases in the 
 course of your practice on credulous patients," said 
 the reporter. 
 
 "Yes, indeed," responded the doctor, laughing. 
 " I have a man in my office now I just left him 
 there and it seems impossible that any human 
 
 being should be such a d d fool as to believe 
 
 the stuff he believes. I have been soaping him fur 
 
300 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 an hour, and I shall make it pay. He wants a love 
 charm. I professed to be very reluctant to sell it ; 
 told him it gave the possessor such power I dare 
 not intrust it only with such as I know to be honor- 
 able and good men. This, of course, only made 
 him more anxious, and I have taken time to con- 
 sider whether to accommodate him. By the time I 
 get ready to give him an answer, he will be ready 
 to pay any price." 
 
CHAPTER XXXI. 
 
 Madame Hurst Fortunes of a Fortune-teller A successful Ex- 
 periment Her Opinion of her Customers and of her Art. 
 
 ABOUT two years ago, an Irish girl married an 
 American sailor in her own country, and a few 
 months later, at the earnest solicitation of her 
 husband and his family, came with him to this 
 city, accompanied by a sister to whom she was 
 much attached. She very reluctantly left Ireland, 
 where she had a comfortable home, and only con- 
 sented to do so on the assurance of his parents 
 that she should never want the comforts of 
 life. 
 
 After her arrival, however, these promises, 
 though kept for a time, were soon forgotten. The 
 husband, dependent for subsistence on his labor, 
 went on a long sea voyage, and she found herself 
 homeless and destitute, with her sister and a young 
 child to take care of. 
 
 "WTien a child she "had cultivated the art of for- 
 tune-telling, and obtained many a half-crown of 
 gentlemen by its practice. In her emergency she 
 
 801 
 
302 MATKIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 resolved to set up as a fortune-teller, and for this 
 purpose rented a basement room in Madison 
 street. 
 
 Slie reflected that in the business she must en- 
 counter the competition of old and experienced 
 heads, and she resolved upon an experiment. She 
 advertised in one of the papers, that she would 
 "answer questions on love, marriage, and absent 
 friends, and tell all the events of life," for one 
 shilling. 
 
 This was an astonishing reduction of prices, as 
 other fortune-tellers charge one to five dollars for 
 their services. But she reflected that persons who 
 patronize fortune-tellers are generally poor as 
 well as ignorant, and that many who could 
 not afford to pay a dollar would gladly pay a 
 shilling. 
 
 The result showed that she had calculated wisely. 
 Her success was immediate, and far exceeded her 
 expectations. The first day of the appearance of 
 her advertisement, customers thronged her door 
 before she had breakfasted, and so great was the 
 rush that she could not get time to eat her din- 
 ner. The shillings came in as fast as she could 
 shuffle her cards and go through the stereotyped 
 lingo. 
 
WAITING IN THE HALL. 303 
 
 A curious man (the same who visited Madame 
 Lebon), called upon this cheap fortune-teller, who 
 assumed the name of Madame Hurst in the early 
 part of her career, and has furnished the writer 
 with the following account of his visit : 
 
 " I called upon Madame Hurst, as she calls her- 
 self (which of course is a fictitious name), about 
 three o'clock in the afternoon. I was told there 
 were two girls in the room, to whom she was un- 
 folding the secrets of the future, and of this I was 
 subsequently convinced, when I saw two silly-look- 
 irig creatures come forth from her presence, with a 
 look of evident excitement on their faces. At the 
 time she was dealing with these customers, eight 
 girls and myself awaited our turn in the hall. 
 
 " Her apartments were in a dark and dingy 
 basement, and she had no conveniences for persons 
 in waiting. "We were compelled to stand in the 
 gloomy, filthy hall, until by dint of taking down .1 
 pile of household articles which stood behind the 
 door, seats were secured upon inverted wash-tubs, 
 a box, and one old chair without a bottom. 
 
 " I was anxious to learn the views which induced 
 the eight females by whom I was surrounded, to 
 visit the fortune-teller, and entered into conversa- 
 tion, in which they were not at all backward, 
 
30i MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 They declared without hesitation they were there 
 to see when they were to be married, and what the 
 fortune-teller could promise them in this respect. 
 Most of them appeared to be servant-girls; but there 
 was one better dressed and more modest than the 
 rest, whom I overheard whispering to her attend- 
 ant, c what would my father say, if he knew I was 
 here?' I also overheard one of the servant-girls 
 whisper that she would willingly give the fortune- 
 teller fifty cents, if she would guarantee her a hus- 
 band within a year. 
 
 " They seemed thoroughly to believe in the art 
 of fortune-telling, and that the madame had power 
 to bring about whatever she pleased. 
 
 " I awaited my turn with as much patience as I 
 could command. Several arrived after me; but 
 about the time my turn came, there was so much 
 prospect of rain that all hurried oif. And they 
 had good reason ; for a terrific storm of lightning 
 and rain began immediately, and must have 
 drenched the retreating maidens to the skin. A 
 fearful peal of thunder shook the house as though 
 each stone was suddenly animated with terror, and 
 the lightning and wind prostrated buildings, un- 
 roofed houses, tore up trees, and scattered signs and 
 awnings through the streets. 
 
I A TERKIFIED WITCH. 305 
 
 " Whatever confidence the fortune-teller may 
 have had in her professed power over the elements, 
 when I entered the room, she was ghastly with 
 fright, and paid no attention to me. c God above 
 us !' she exclaimed, c what a horrible storm ! Oh, 
 Heaven! the house will tumble down on our 
 heads!' and kindred ejaculations, until the tempest 
 subsided. She then took notice of my presence, 
 and asked abruptly what I wanted. 
 
 " I replied that I came to consult her on matri 
 monial business. 
 
 " f You will pay before-hand, if you please,' was 
 her first remark. " It is twenty-five cents for gen- 
 tlemen a shilling for ladies." 
 
 " c Why this partiality to ladies ?' I inquired. 
 
 " i I prefer to have them come for all the men ; 
 and the men can afford it.' 
 
 " Having received her fee, she shuffled the cards 
 in the usual way, and went through the routine 
 4 revelations ' as indefinite, of course, as the 
 enunciations of an ancient oracle. After she had 
 finished, I told her, laughing, that I did not believe 
 a word she had said. 
 
 " 'If you do not believe what I say, why should 
 you come here and pay out your money ?' 
 
 " I came to see how credulous people must be 
 
306 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 who believe sucli nonsense. Do yon suppose I am 
 silly enough to swallow it ? Let me take the cards 
 and I will manage your next customer as well as 
 you can yourself. I can tell your fortune as well 
 as you can tell mine. You. know as well as I that 
 this is all humbug. The theory of your art 
 is, that certain combinations of cards indicate 
 certain things disappointments or the contrary 
 success or failure in business, etc. ; and any one 
 who knows enough to learn and remember a few 
 simple rules, can tell fortunes. You see I am not a 
 dupe, and you might as well own that you are not. 
 Do you believe anything in it yourself? 
 
 " Far from being offended at this onslaught upon 
 her profession, she seemed pleased; and replied, 
 that she of course did not believe in it at all, since 
 she understood how utterly foolish the whole thing 
 was, and added : ^ 
 
 " Tho reason why I don't want gentlemen to 
 come, is, they are not so superstitious as the 
 women. They don't believe what I say, but the 
 women, poor things, and especially the servant- 
 girls, swallow every word of it.' 
 
 " I inquired concerning the nature of the errands 
 of her customers, who, she assured me, were nearly 
 all females. She replied that they came to consult 
 
MADAME HURST " OWNS UP." 307 
 
 her about matrimony, in almost every instance ; 
 that they believed she had power to gain them a 
 husband, and that marriage was certain with her 
 aid. 
 
 " I asked her if she thought it right to deceive 
 people in such a way, and take their money with- 
 out any equivalent. 
 
 " < Oh, as to that,' she replied, ' I can't say it's 
 right exactly ; but it's only a shilling, and it don't 
 hurt them any to pay that, and it does me a good 
 deal of good. If they didn't come to me and pay 
 a shilling, they would go elsewhere and pay a 
 dollar. So, you see, I actually do them a ser- 
 
CHAPTER XXXII. 
 
 The " Matrimonial Alliance Bureau " of Clement A. Watson, in 
 South Brooklyn Some original Documents, showing the Modus 
 Operandi of Matrimonial Brokerage, together with the Corres- 
 pondence and Experience of Mr. James P. Hope, Lawyer, and 
 the Conclusions to which he came. 
 
 WE believe the "Matrimonial Alliance Bureau" 
 of Mr. Clement A. Watson, "No. 65 President street, 
 Soutli Brooklyn, was never heard of until one 
 morning last December ; and that the first intima- 
 tion the public had of its existence, was the 
 announcement in the Herald that upwards of nine 
 hundred happy marriages had been effected by its 
 agency. This, certainly, was an auspicious begin- 
 ning. What an advantage to a physician, for 
 instance, when he sets up in practice, to be able to 
 announce that he has cured nine hundred patients ! 
 " If," he would naturally say, " if I can cure nine 
 hundred persons merely by a design of becoming a 
 practitioner, what can I not do when I am actually 
 started ?" The following we believe to be the first 
 
. 309 
 
 announcement of Mr. "Watson's establishment. We 
 take it from the Herald of Dec. 22d, 1858 : 
 
 "MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCE BUREAU, 65 President street South 
 Brooklyn, N. Y. Established 1856, for introducing ladies and gen- 
 tlemen at present unknown to each other, who are desirous of 
 entering into matrimony. Upwards of 900 (comprising all classes 
 of society), have been already advantageously married and made 
 happy through this medium. Detailed prospectuses with forms of 
 application and all particulars, sent (under cover) on receipt of 50 
 cents to any part of the Union, Canadas, or West Indies. 
 
 " CLEMENT A. WATSON, Manager." 
 
 A young man who gave the name of James P. 
 Hope, of Syracuse, having seen the above promis- 
 ing advertisement, called to confer with the bene- 
 factor of maids and bachelors whose name was 
 attached to it. The house looked rather shabby, 
 and the door was open, although it was in the win- 
 ter time. He rung the bell, and a woman came to 
 the door with a child in her arms. It occurred to 
 him that a free application of soap and water to the 
 interior of the premises would decidedly improve 
 appearances. 
 
 " Is Mr. "Watson in ?" he inquired. 
 
 BTo, sir." 
 
 "Isn't his office here?" 
 
 "Yes; but he isn't." 
 
310 MATEIMONIAL BEOKEKAGE. 
 
 " When will lie be here ?" 
 
 I don't know." 
 
 " But doesn't he stay here to attend to his cus- 
 tomers?" 
 
 " He's here sometimes ; but not much." 
 
 " But doesn't he have office hours ? "What time 
 shall I be sure to find him?" 
 
 " Well, if you'll be here at 6 o'clock this even- 
 ing, you'll be sure to see him." 
 
 Mr. Hope told the woman he would call at that 
 time, and begged she would ask Mr. "Watson to 
 meet him, as he wished to see him on business. 
 
 At six o'clock he called again, but Mr. "Watson 
 was not to be seen, and he went home without 
 getting a glimpse of that distinguished gentleman. 
 
 Two or three days later, not having time to 
 renew the attempt in person, he dispatched a 
 friend, with orders to make an appointment for 
 him, provided he saw "Watson, and if he did not 
 see him, to leave a note, requesting him to be at 
 home the next Monday, at 4 o'clock. The friend 
 went, but had no better success. Mr. "Watson 
 was not to be found, and according to directions, he 
 left a note. 
 
 Mr. Hope concluded that Mr. Watson was a 
 myth, or that he would not be seen until he was 
 
HOPE SEAKCIIES FOR WATSON. 311 
 
 feed. Therefore he wrote a note and inclosed fifty 
 cents, which he resolved to leave if he still failed 
 to have his eyes feasted with a sight of the great 
 Watson. He was met at the door by the same 
 woman, who informed him that Mr. Watson was 
 not in. 
 
 " I had word left here on Saturday, that I would 
 call at this hour," said Hope. 
 
 " "Well, he is not in, and I don't know when he 
 will be." 
 
 After receiving this answer, not altogether unex- 
 pected, Mr. Hope deposited in her hands the fol- 
 lowing note : 
 
 " NEW YORK, Jan. 10, 1859. 
 "MR. WATSON 
 
 "SiR: Having seen your advertisement in the Herald, I 
 am anxious to get a copy of your prospectuses, and will call to- 
 morrow for the same. I inclose fifty cents in payment therefor. 
 I should like to have an interview with you, and will call about 
 4 o'clock to-morrow afternoon. 
 
 " Yours respectfully, 
 
 " JAMES P. HOPE." 
 
 In accordance with his promise, Mr. Hope called 
 next day; but the invisible Watson did not yet 
 deign to bless his eyes with a sight of his sacred 
 person. He had, however, left a letter for him; 
 and his [Mr. Hope's] generosity enables us to lay 
 
312 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 before our readers au exact copy of the con- 
 tents : 
 
 " ' MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCE BUREAU,' ^ 
 
 " 65 President street, South Brooklyn, N. Y., > 
 
 " Jany. llth, 1859. ) 
 " MR. HOPE 
 
 "Sm: Regret not being able to remain at office, till 4 
 o'clock to see you, caused by a preengagement. You will, how- 
 ever, be able to glean all necessary information, by perusing the 
 inclosed Prospectus. Should the same meet your approbation, I 
 shall be most happy to afford you a pleasant and agreeable intro- 
 duction. In the first instance, however, it is absolutely necessary 
 to fill up the inclosed schedule with particulars, and return the 
 same with the registration fee, two dollars, on receipt of which I 
 will submit for your approval the filled schedule (with full particu- 
 lars) and the Photograph of a Lady applicant, whom I will select, 
 in accordance with the requirements of your schedule. 
 u Awaiting your commands, 
 
 " Yours most respectfully, 
 
 " CLEMENT A. WATSON." 
 
 The "accompanying documents" which Mr. 
 Hope -received, were printed and as follows : 
 
 "MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCE BUREAU, 
 
 " 65 PRESIDENT STREET, SOUTH BROOKLYN, N. Y. 
 
 " Referring to your communication, I am led to presume that 
 you are a single person. If such be the case, I shall be glad to 
 receive your instructions to select for you a partner from my 
 books. 
 
 " If you honor me with commands, you may rely on my study- 
 
313 
 
 ing your interests in all points, as I will only select a party suited 
 in every respect to your taste, circumstances, position, etc. 
 
 " Having numerous applications daily from all quarters, through 
 my unlimited connections, I am in a condition to offer speedy and 
 agreeable introductions to both sexes, whereby marriage will fol- 
 low. The evidence of my having effected many hundred mar- 
 riages during the last three years, through this medium, is the best 
 guarantee that I can offer to my clients, who thus avoid the arti- 
 ficial social system, which, in so many instances, prevents a reunion 
 of hearts, and sacrifices to conventionalism the happiness and even 
 the lives of thousands of the young of both sexes. Secrecy main- 
 tained in all cases. 
 
 " Yours, most obediently, 
 
 " CLEMENT A. WATSON." 
 
 It U L E S . 
 
 " 1. The registry or retaining fee of two dollars, to be paid hx all 
 cases before any information is furnished, thus, to a certain extent, 
 preventing parties from applying through mere curiosity. 
 
 " 2. Charges to be made strictly in accordance with the ability 
 and position of applicants. 
 
 " 3. Only parties of respectability to be treated with. 
 
 " 4. The annexed schedule of particulars to be filled up and re- 
 turned, with two dollars; also real name and address, in confi- 
 dence^ on a separate piece of paper, which will not be given up 
 to any one without authority in writing thus securing inviolable 
 secrecy. 
 
 " 6. Those who object to fill up the annexed official schedule 
 may send a written statement. 
 
 " 6. The founder to have the sole power of making selections, 
 and sending copies of original applications, but in all cases omit- 
 
 14 
 
MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 ting the name and address of clients, which are submitted in confi- 
 dence to the negotiator. 
 
 "7. When the necessary preliminaries are arranged, parties 
 can submit their portraits in the^rs instance before appointing an 
 interview. 
 
 " 8. Portraits, reports and documents submitted confidentially 
 must be returned within four days. 
 
 " 9. Any subscriber not acting up to the rules, forfeits his or 
 her claims against the founder for services to be performed. 
 
 " 10. All documents, portraits, etc., to be kept in lock-up 
 cases. 
 
 " 11. Private interviews with the manager fixed only by previous 
 appointment, and the fee of two dollars remitted. 
 
 "12. All letters to be prepaid to prevent refusal, and those 
 requiring answers must send stamped envelopes for that pur- 
 pose. " CLEMENT A. WATSON, 
 
 " Manager." 
 
 The schedule to which reference is made both in 
 the letter and prospectus of " the founder," was as 
 follows : 
 
 " This to be cut off, filled up, and returned prepaid, with answers 
 to as many questions as practicable, and addressed, Mr. Clement A. 
 Watson, 65 President street, South Brooklyn, N. Y. 
 
 " SCHEDULE OF APPLICATION. 
 "MALE OB FEMALE. 
 
 "Initials only ; name to be on a separate piece of paper? 
 " Occupation or business ? 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SCHEDULE. 315 
 
 " Age and sex ? 
 "Light or dark? 
 " Tall, short or medium ? 
 " Robust or slender ? 
 " Have you a good constitution ? 
 <' What are your habits ?" 
 
 " Do you belong to any religious denomination ? 
 " Are you a bachelor, widower, spinster or widow ? 
 " Supposed income what derived from any present fortune or 
 perspective ? 
 
 " Give a description of the person you desire for a husband or 
 wife (as the case may be), and if you have anything further to add, 
 please place it under the inclosed heading." 
 
 This schedule Mr. Hope filled up in due form and 
 dispatched to " the founder," with the following ac- 
 companying letter : 
 
 " NEW YORK, Jan, 12th, 1859. 
 " C. A. WATSON, ESQ. 
 
 " SIR : I called yesterday and received your prospectus, which 
 I now return duly filled, with the required registration fee of $2. 
 I shall call at five o'clock to-morrow for the schedule and photo- 
 graph you propose to submit, and hope then to see you, as I can 
 more fully explain my views and plans than by writing. If you 
 cannot see me at that tune, please leave a note, stating definitely 
 when you can. 
 
 " Respectfully yours, 
 
 " JAMES P. HOPE." 
 
 Mr. Hope's conjecture that there was no such 
 
316 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 thing as getting a sight of the founder without 
 feeing him, was correct as will be seen by rule 11 ; 
 and he blamed the founder for not making the fact 
 known in his advertisement. 
 
 He called at four o'clock the next day, and was 
 again told that Mr. Watson was not in, but that he 
 was expected every minute, and had left word that he 
 would see him. He therefore called again in about 
 an hour, when he was informed that the long- 
 sought founder was in his office, prepared for an 
 interview ; and entering the front room on the first 
 floor, he at last saw the being in question a short, 
 thick-set man, about thirty years old. 
 
 " Mr. Hope ?" said the founder. 
 
 " The same, sir. I suppose you received the 
 filled schedule and the fee I sent you ?" 
 
 The founder assented. 
 
 u I have called to examine the filled schedule, 
 and the likeness of the lady to whom you propose 
 to introduce me." 
 
 The founder attempted to turn the conversation 
 into another channel ; but Mr. Hope was not to be 
 diverted. At last the founder said : 
 
 "Mr. Hope, I am prepared in your case to 
 waive the ordinary forms, and you need not take 
 the trouble to examine a schedule or likeness, nor 
 
THE FOUNDER IS PUZZLED. 317 
 
 leave a portrait of yourself. I will introduce you 
 to-morrow, provided, of course, you pay me a suffi- 
 cient fee." 
 
 How much will that be ?" 
 
 The founder fell into a profound reverie, and 
 finally suggested that Mr. Hope, being well off, 
 could not object to the small sum of twenty-five 
 dollars." 
 
 "To whom will you introduce me for that 
 sum?" 
 
 " To a widow in New York. I have just seen 
 her this afternoon a beautiful woman, with one 
 child." 
 
 "A boy?" 
 
 " Unfortunately I don't remember ; didn't in fact 
 inquire. She can't fail of pleasing you." 
 
 " But suppose she doesn't please me ?" 
 
 " Then you needn't pay. You must advance five 
 dollars now, and I will introduce you. If satisfied, 
 you shall pay me twenty more. If not satisfied, 
 I will refund twenty shillings." 
 
 " But her likeness ? If I could see that I could 
 determine about advancing the five dollars." 
 
 The founder seemed somewhat puzzled by the 
 repetition of the demand for the likeness; but 
 reminded Mr. Hope that under the rules he was 
 
318 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 " to have the sole power of making selections," and 
 in fact refused to show any filled schedule or like- 
 ness. 
 
 Mr. Hope being a lawyer, it was natural that the 
 legal maxim, falsus in uno falsus in omnibus, 
 should occur to him. " If this fellow," thought he, 
 "breaks his word before introducing me, what 
 guaranty have I that he will introduce me at all ? 
 or that the widow with whom he proposes to make 
 me acquainted is respectable ? How does this man 
 know I am not a liumbug and a swindler? He 
 requires no references gives no pledge of sincerity 
 or virtue but his bare assertion inquires nothing 
 about my antecedents or acquaintances does not 
 even know whether I have given him a real or fic- 
 titious name. Yet, if this widow is honest, he is 
 ready for five dollars to impose me upon her as a 
 man whom he knows to be sincere and respect- 
 able ! It looks to me as though this "Watson is a 
 humbug, and merely wants the five dollars. If I 
 pay it, nine chances out of ten he will never intro- 
 duce me. I do not, in fact, believe he can intro- 
 duce me, or that he has a single schedule filled up 
 by a lady, or a single likeness. If he had, he would 
 show it." 
 
 Having arrived at this conclusion, Mr. Hope did 
 
THE FOUNDER MOVES. 319 
 
 not see fit to be introduced. Whether his conclu- 
 sions were just, our readers can judge. 
 
 The founder has since removed his establishment 
 to another locality. 
 
CHAPTEE XXXII 1. 
 
 A NEW AND SINGULAR CHAPTER IN THE LIFE OF MRS. 
 CUNNINGHAM BUEDELL. 
 
 She visits a Matrimonial Office in Forty-third street Is introduced 
 to Mr. Fitzgerald, of St. Louis Her Appearance and Dress 
 Her Opinion of Domestic Peace and of New York Ladies She 
 offers to find a Model Wife Her Sentiments on Love, Marriage 
 and Divorce Is a Free-Lover Mrs. Willis, the Broker Dis- 
 courses of Ghosts She relates the Wonderful Story of a Clock 
 Fitzgerald makes a Remark about Dead Men, and Cunningham 
 gets Nervous An Important Confession about her Marriage 
 She tells her Age She offers to cure Fitzgerald of a Cold 
 Wants him to go and drink a Punch of her making He thinks 
 of the Bloody Work in Bond street, and declines She accepts 
 Five Dollars as a Slight Token of Respect She Discourses of 
 Murders and Executions Is opposed to Capital Punishment 
 Denounces the Reporters as a Meddlesome, Lying Set of Vul- 
 tures Her Opinion of the Tombs as a Residence A Decisive 
 Meeting Cunningham wants a Set of Furs She offers to take 
 Charge of Fitzgerald's Household Affairs Wants him to take a 
 House Up Town Mr. Fitzgerald attempts to get away, but is 
 seized by Cunningham and detained by Force He makes 
 another Present and gets into the Hall, which is Dark He finds 
 himself Locked in He calls in vain to be released He gets 
 into the Parlor Resolved to smash a Window Interesting 
 Denoument Where Mrs. Cunningham went after the Meeting. 
 
 THE excitement caused by the murder of Dr. 
 Btirdell, at 31 Bond street, on the niglit of January 
 
A WELL-KNOWN CHARACTER. 321 
 
 30, 1857, lias scarcely a parallel in the criminal 
 records of this city. The extraordinary circum- 
 stances of the affair; the relations which the in- 
 mates of the house sustained to the victim ; the 
 long and pedantic inquest of the coroner ; the sub- 
 sequent trial and acquittal of Mrs. Cunningham 
 for murder, and her attempt to bring forward a false 
 heir to the Burdell estate, for months filled the 
 columns of the public prints, and were read with 
 absorbing interest. 
 
 After the decision of the Surrogate, which denied 
 the marriage of Mrs. Cunningham to Dr. Burdell, 
 and excluded her from any share in his estate, she 
 disappeared from public view, and nothing has 
 been heard of her except an occasional newspaper 
 paragraph, one of which announced her marriage 
 to Mr. Eckel, which that gentleman promptly 
 denied. Other paragraphs have represented her 
 as living in fine style up town, while others have 
 located her in New Jersey ; others have married 
 her youngest daughter to a wealthy Southern 
 planter, and others again have denied any such 
 marriage. 
 
 The writer is in possession of a singular and 
 authentic history, which will throw some light 
 upon her recent movements and present position. 
 14* 
 
322 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 In November last, a young man giving the name 
 of C. Frank Fitzgerald, of St. Louis, Mo., went to 
 the matrimonial office of Mrs. Jessie Willis, No. 18 
 West Forty-third street, in this city an office 
 which was started in the summer of 1858, and has 
 
 
 
 been quite extensively advertised. We copy the 
 following specimen of the advertisements from the 
 New York Herald of January 27th, 1859 : 
 
 " MRS. JESSIE WILLIS will give introductions to ladies and gen- 
 tlemen with a view to matrimony, at her office, 18 West Forty- 
 third street, from 3 to 8 P.M. Parties suited ; references required. 
 Gentlemen's fees $1 ; ladies free. Letters from the country must 
 be post-paid, with return letter stamps. N.B. All business confi- 
 dential." 
 
 The house of Mrs. Willis is situated near Fifth 
 Avenue, and is plain but neatly furnished. She is 
 a Spiritualist in faith, and on her table are found 
 Judge Edmonds's work, and several books by spirit- 
 ual mediums. 
 
 Mr. Fitzgerald was understood to have plenty of 
 money, and was promised an introduction to a 
 young widow, who was represented as possessing 
 every desirable accomplishment ; and for this pur- 
 pose he made his second visit to the office one 
 Monday afternoon, but the young widow did not 
 make her appearance according to agreement. 
 
WAITING, BUT NOT IN VAIN. 323 
 
 Mr. Fitzgerald waited near half an hour beyond 
 the time fixed, and Mrs. "Willis several times ex- 
 pressed her surprise that the lady did not come, and 
 finally said : 
 
 " This lady is always so prompt, I fear she will 
 not be here to day. If you choose, however, you 
 can wait a little longer ; and if you would like to 
 pass away the time pleasantly, meanwhile, there is a 
 widow now in the next room, to whom I will intro- 
 duce you, merely for a passing acquaintance. She 
 is considerably older than yourself, and I do not 
 suppose you would think of marrying her ; but she 
 is intelligent and lively in conversation, and I think 
 you would be pleased with her." 
 
 " Yery well," replied Fitzgerald ; " let her come 
 in ; I shall be happy to see her." 
 
 Mrs. Willis then retired to the room adjoining 
 the parlor in the rear, which communicated by 
 folding doors, and led in the widow. 
 
 It happened that Fitzgerald was in !N"ew York 
 at the time of Mrs. Cunningham's trial for mur- 
 der, and having visited the court several times 
 while it was in progress, retained a distinct recollec- 
 tion of the prisoner's features and countenance. 
 And when Mrs. Willis led the woman into the 
 room, he instantly recognized in her the same 
 
324 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 Mrs. Cunningham Burdell whom he had seen in 
 court. 
 
 She was dressed in deep black, as she was 
 during her trial, and had on a heavy veil of the 
 same color, which was thrown back over her hat. 
 But her garments bore evident marks of time, and 
 she looked much older than when he saw her a few 
 months previous. 
 
 It was perhaps with some difficulty that he sup- 
 pressed an exclamation or - look of surprise at this 
 sudden and unexpected apparition ; but immedi- 
 ately it occurred to him that he would feign igno- 
 rance, which might enable him to learn something 
 of her character, and perhaps satisfy his own mind 
 in relation to the awful mystery connected with her 
 history. 
 
 Be it known that the introductions of a matri- 
 monial broker differ from introductions in general, 
 in that the broker gives no names only an obscure 
 ejaculation, which one might possibly think repre- 
 sented a name, but which he had not understood. 
 Such was the introduction of Mr. Fitzgerald to Mrs. 
 Cunningham, whereupon, he arose and bowed in 
 his politest manner. 
 
 "I am spending a few weeks in New York, 
 madam," said he, " and having seen Mrs. Willis's 
 
A PIERCING LOOK. 325 
 
 advertisement, it occurred to me I might make 
 some pleasant acquaintances by calling here. I am 
 happy to see you, and trust our acquaintance will 
 be mutually agreeable." 
 
 Mrs. Cunningham gave Fitzgerald a piercing look, 
 as if to satisfy herself whether she had ever seen 
 him before ; and of this he was perfectly conscious.' 
 His self-possession, however, if shaken an instant 
 upon the first recognition, had fully returned, and 
 he bore her scrutinizing glances without any exhibi-- 
 tion of anxiety. 
 
 She replied that she regarded Mrs. "Willis's office 
 an institution of great utility to strangers, and 
 remarked that there was, in her estimation, nothing 
 improper in the system. 
 
 " Matrimonial offices," said she, " are very com- 
 mon in Paris ; people think nothing of it there. But 
 some of our Americans have an idea they are 
 immoral. But that depends altogether upon the 
 use people make of them. Strangers who come 
 here without any acquaintances, find it very conve- 
 nient to be introduced into respectable families, 
 where they can enjoy social advantages, and occa- 
 sionally pass a pleasant evening with friends." 
 
 "That was my idea in coming here," replied 
 Fitzgerald. "New York is pleasant in the day 
 
320 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 time, when we can go about and see such a variety 
 of things; but at night, I often get tired of the 
 opera tired of the theatre, and the ordinary 
 amusements, and feel greatly the need of good 
 female society." 
 
 " You are not married, then, I suppose ?" 
 
 "Oh, no. Married men, I take it, are happy 
 and contented to stay at home." 
 
 " Not always," replied Cunningham. " Many 
 'find themselves worse off than before. You would 
 be astonished, if you knew all I know about the 
 unhappiness of married people in New York. 
 These cases are very common." 
 
 "Indeed!" 
 
 " Yes, everywhere, but particularly in New 
 York. The truth is, ladies think so much of dress 
 and fashion here, they do not make good wives. 
 There are very few fit for a man to marry. There 
 are some, however. I know a young lady, fourteen 
 years of age a very particular friend of mine to 
 whom I would introduce a gentleman of the right 
 stamp. 
 
 " What qualifications would you require ?" 
 
 " "Well, he must have means, of course. A poor 
 man may be just as good as a rich one, and all that ; 
 but whatever people may say, money is desirable. 
 
HOW TO GET A GOOD WIFE. 327 
 
 He must be rich, and must be a gentleman who 
 would appreciate her, not make a slave of her. I 
 tell you, sir, the man who gets her will find a true 
 wife. 1 have known her intimately from child- 
 hood, and she has not been educated in the follies 
 and extravagances which most girls get into. She 
 is domestic in her tastes and habits, and under- 
 stands household duties as well as the accomplish- 
 ments of the parlor. She is beautiful, too, and I do 
 not know what more could be desired." 
 
 " But the picture you have drawn of domestic 
 unhappiness is not encouraging to a bachelor. 
 You are a widow, and have seen much of society, 
 and your opinion that unhappy marriages are very 
 common is certainly entitled to weight." 
 
 " Yes, unless you marry understandingly, you 
 had better let it alone. The only way I would 
 recommend a young man to marry, would be to 
 take some one whom an experienced female friend 
 could recommend. "Women of my age, for instance, 
 are capable of judging, and this young lady I speak 
 of I could recommend from personal knowledge." 
 
 " I think, at best," suggested Frank, " there 
 would be a possibility of mistake. If custom only 
 permitted separation when parties are dissatisfied, 
 it might do." 
 
328 MATRIMONIAL BKOKERAGE. 
 
 "When Fitzgerald uttered this sentiment, which a 
 free-lover might easily construe in favor of his 
 theory, he watched the effect ; Cunningham gave 
 him another searching look, and he thought her 
 side glance the most devilish he ever encountered. 
 It was a mingled look, in which suspicion was pre- 
 dominant. 
 
 " In the present state of society," she answered, 
 " it would not do I mean it would be regarded 
 as wrong." 
 
 Fitzgerald perceived she had put the worst con- 
 struction on his remark it would bear, and replied : 
 
 " Many things would be regarded as wrong by 
 society, which, nevertheless, if carried out, might 
 be for the good of society. Public opinion is not 
 always a correct criterion." 
 
 " That is true," replied Cunningham. " I enter- 
 tain views on that subject myself which I should 
 not dare to make known to my friends, only some 
 who could appreciate them. I believe, for instance, 
 that persons who are not fitted to each other, ought 
 to be allowed to separate whenever they choose ; 
 and I do not believe that the legal ceremony con- 
 stitutes marriage at all." 
 
 Cunningham's interesting and liberal discourse on 
 marriage and divorce was here interrupted by the 
 
329 
 
 entrance of Mrs. Willis, the broker, who sat down 
 between Fitzgerald and Mrs. Cunningham. It was 
 now twilight, the gas had not been lit, and every- 
 thing in the room wore a gloomy aspect. The bro- 
 ker, as if impressed by the sombre spirit of the hour, 
 began immediately to talk of ghosts and spiritual 
 manifestations. 
 
 " When I took a hotel to keep at the corner of 
 Spring street, a few years ago," she commenced, " I 
 had two excellent servant girls with me that I was 
 anxious to keep, and, in order to do so, retained 
 them several days without anything to do, while I 
 was waiting to begin in the hotel. 
 
 " One afternoon, one of them comes into the 
 room, and says : * I want to go over to a relative of 
 mine, for I have just heard their little boy is sick.' 
 Very well, 1 told her, she could go. But we had 
 an old clock in the house, which had stood on the 
 mantel four years without stirring ; and just as this 
 conversation took place, what should the old clock 
 do but begin to strike ; and it actually struck ten ! 
 The girl was frightened, and said she thought that 
 was a warning, that the little boy, her cousin, was 
 dead, and that he died at ten o'clock. She hurried 
 right over there ; and sure enough, the child had 
 died, just at that time." 
 
330 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 " You believe in spiritual manifestations, do you 
 not?" said Fitzgerald. 
 
 " Yes," replied Mrs. Willis. 
 
 " As to that," said Fitzgerald, " I cannot see the 
 philosophy of the dead coming back and manifest- 
 ing themselves. I believe that when a man is dead, 
 he is dead, and do not think there are ghosts 
 enough in the universe to make a clock strike. I 
 believe the soul lives hereafter ; but I have seen no 
 evidence which convinces me it comes back 
 again. 
 
 " I believe," added Fitzgerald, in a solemn and 
 impressive tone, looking directly at Mrs. Cunning- 
 ham, " I believe the old maxim, that * dead men 
 tell no tales.' " 
 
 Fitzgerald made this remark expressly to see 
 what effect it would produce ; and as he uttered it, 
 Mrs. Cunningham gave a nervous start, and again 
 fixed on him the piercing side glance, which he 
 thought so devilish. Her look seemed to say, 
 "Did you intend that remark for me?" and he 
 immediately changed the subject, to prevent sus- 
 picion. 
 
 The conversation which followed was on love 
 and matrimony, and Frank asked her how long she 
 had been a widow. 
 
AN IMPORTANT CONFESSION. 331 
 
 " I have been a widow over four years almost 
 five," she answered. 
 
 Shade of Dr. Burdell ! thought Frank, where is 
 this woman's story of having married a few months 
 before the murder ? 
 
 " And do you believe," he asked her, " that a 
 person can love more than once ?" 
 
 "Yes, I think so," she replied; "but I don't 
 know. I never had but one lover, and that was the 
 man I married." 
 
 Frank again bethought him of the story she told 
 when under arrest for murder her pretended 
 attachment for the doctor her claim that he was 
 her second husband, and the attempt to get the 
 estate. 
 
 Mrs. Cunningham expressed the opinion that 
 attachment does not always depend upon age, 
 which, subsequent events convinced Frank, was 
 intended as an intimation that although she was 
 several years his senior, an attachment was not 
 impossible. 
 
 "It is a delicate question to ask a lady, I am 
 aware, madam," replied he, " but I should like to 
 know your age ?" 
 
 "I am thirty-two have a daughter seventeen. 
 I was married at fourteen." 
 
332 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 Mrs. Cunningliam then went on to describe the 
 pleasant social gatherings she had at her house ; 
 said they made it a point to entertain some of their 
 friends every evening, play cards a little, dance, 
 perhaps, and enjoy themselves generally. She 
 further informed Frank that she had a large circle 
 of aristocratic acquaintances > to whom she could 
 introduce a friend. m 
 
 She finally said it was time to go home ; that she 
 lived only a short distance from there, and should 
 walk. As it was quite dark and unpleasant, Frank 
 felt bound to offer himself as an escort, which offer 
 was accepted. 
 
 Before leaving, she went out and had a long con- 
 sultation with the broker, which was earned on in 
 a low tone. At length the broker came in alone, 
 and whispered to Frank that the lady was not 
 averse to a lover herself, and had taken a liking to 
 him; but charged him by everything high and 
 low not to intimate that she had whispered such a 
 thing to him, for she (Cunningham) knew nothing 
 of it, and she (the broker) had done it entirely of 
 her own notion. 
 
 Mrs. Cunningham soon after announced her rea- 
 diness to go, and the two set out in company. She 
 went to the Fifth Avenue and turned down. As 
 
CUNNINGHAM IN FIFTH AVENUE. 333 
 
 they passed the palatial residences of that street, 
 she would point out a house and say Mr. So-and-so 
 lived there, and that she was an intimate friend of 
 the family. Finally she paused before an elegant 
 dwelling, and turned to the gate as though she 
 intended to enter ; but suddenly turned away, 
 saying : " I have a sister living here, and intended 
 to stop, but as it is so late I think on the whole I 
 will not." 
 
 The two walked on to Madison Park, and Frank 
 began to feel fearful he should meet some stray 
 acquaintance, of whom he had a number in that 
 locality, and became exceedingly anxious to get rid 
 of his charge. He therefore remarked that he had 
 an important engagement in Brooklyn, and feared 
 he should be late. " I have to go over the South 
 Ferry," added he, " and I see there is a South Ferry 
 omnibus." 
 
 " You had better take it," said Mrs. Cunningham. 
 " I only want to go around to Lexington Avenue 
 to make a call, and can just as well go alone. I 
 have- a friend there who will accompany me home." 
 " It is very ungallant," said Frank, " to leave a 
 lady alone in the street at this hour ; yet, if it will 
 make no difference with you, haste must be my 
 apology." 
 
334: MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 "It will not make the slightest difference, I 
 assure you, sir," said Mrs. Cunningham; and 
 after renewing his promise to meet her at Mrs. "Wil- 
 lis's the next Friday afternoon, he bade her good-- 
 night. 
 
 THE SECOND INTERVIEW OF MR. FITZGERALD AND 
 MRS. CUNNINGHAM. 
 
 The next Friday, at five o'clock, both parties 
 were at the matrimonial office, according to agree- 
 ment. Mr. Fitzgerald observed that Mrs. Cun- 
 ningham had a pale, haggard and sleepy look ; and 
 she felt called on to apologize, which she did by 
 saying she was up all the previous night with a 
 sick person. 
 
 " I am a great nurse," said she, " and as you are 
 complaining of a bad cold and headache, I think I 
 shall have to try my skill with you." 
 
 Frank replied that he was indeed quite ill, and 
 doubted not her treatment would soon restore him ; 
 but at once changed the subject by inquiring after 
 the young lady of whom she had previously spoken 
 to him. 
 
 Mrs. Cunningham replied that she was well, but 
 that it took a widow for a good nurse ; and other- 
 
A BENEVOLENT PROPOSITION. 335 
 
 wise managed to attract conversation to herself. 
 She finally said : 
 
 " I tell you what it is, sir, if you want to get 
 cured, come with me." 
 
 " Do you propose to introduce me to your family 
 to-night?" 
 
 " Oh no, sir. The time may come when that 
 will do ; but it will not do yet ; you cannot 
 even know my name. When we know each 
 other well enough when I know who you are, 
 and you know who I am, then I will invite you to 
 my house. But until that time comes I shall not 
 do so." 
 
 " I thought," suggested Frank, " by your speak- 
 ing of nursing me, that you would take me under 
 your care at home." 
 
 " E"o. There are plenty of restaurants where we 
 can go. You are, I presume, acquainted with some 
 of them." 
 
 " I don't know that I am. The truth is, I have 
 led a very quiet and straightforward life in New 
 York." 
 
 "Well, there are plenty of places where we 
 
 can go. There is one at the corner of 
 
 street and Broadway, where we can have a 
 room to ourselves, and be waited on in good style." 
 
MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 Tliis conversation was interlarded with much 
 irrelevant gossip, and by this time it was quite 
 dark. Fitzgerald thought he fully comprehended 
 Mrs. Cunningham's meaning, and resolved to 
 retreat at once. He, therefore, remarked that he 
 was too unwell to remain longer, but would go 
 directly home, and take some medicine for his cold. 
 At the same time he took out his pocket-book, and 
 said : 
 
 " I trust, madam, as I cannot remain longer 
 to-night, you will not be offended if I offer you a 
 small present, merely as a token of sincerity. It 
 is, of course, but a trifle, and nothing to what I 
 shall expect to do for you if our acquaintance con- 
 tinues." 
 
 Saying which he took out a formidable roll of 
 bank notes, and handed her five dollars. 
 
 Mrs. Cunningham took the money without hesi- 
 tation, and said: 
 
 " I thank you. I have done nothing to deserve 
 it ; but perhaps I shall be able to in future." 
 
 "At any rate you are quite welcome to so small 
 a trifle, and I trust you will never have cause to 
 charge me with ingratitude," replied Frank. 
 
 He was about to leave, but Mrs. Cunningham 
 called him back. 
 
FITZGKEALD THINKS OF BOND STREET. 337 
 
 " It is early yet," said she, " and I am really 
 troubled about your cold. You have a bad cough, 
 I perceive, and if you are not attended to at once, 
 I fear it will amount to something serious." 
 
 "I hope not," replied Frank. 
 
 " The truth is, there are few people who know 
 how to nurse a sick person," she continued, quite 
 earnestly. "I can cure you of your cold, I am sure, 
 so you will not feel it to-morrow. Come, go with 
 me to the place I speak of, and I will fix you up a 
 punch which I am sure will cure you" 
 
 Mr. Fitzgerald thought of the pile of bills he had 
 displayed thought of the ugly side glances cast on 
 him more than once during the evening thought 
 of Bond street and the bloody tragedy and finally 
 of the possibility of a punch which would not only 
 cure his cold, but all the ills his flesh was heir to, and 
 found the association of ideas decidedly unpleasant. 
 
 " I am much obliged to you, madam," he replied, 
 not allowing any of his thoughts to find expression 
 in his countenance ; " you are very kind indeed, and 
 I believe your punch would cure me ; but really I 
 must deny myself the pleasure to-night. I feel so 
 ill I must go home at once." 
 
 " Well," she said, " you must of course be your 
 own judge." 
 
 15 
 
338 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 The broker now came in, and began to talk about 
 the execution of James Rodgers, the boy-murderer, 
 which had occurred that day, and an account of 
 which, it seemed, she had read in the evening 
 papers. She remarked that it seemed hard to hang 
 so young a person. 
 
 " How did he bear up ?" asked Mrs. Cunning- 
 ham. 
 
 " Very well, I believe," replied Frank, to whom 
 the question was addressed ; " I have not read the 
 account, and shall not, probably. I take no interest 
 in such things, and could never understand the 
 great love the public seem to havejbr murders and 
 hangings." 
 
 " But you must see accounts of these things in 
 the papers," said Cunningham. "We have a 
 shocking number of murders in New York." 
 
 " Yes. there seems to be a great propensity for 
 cutting throats, and putting men out of the way, 
 among you New Yorkers. But it seems that most 
 of the rascals get clear here; your jurors "acquit 
 nearly everybody that is tried." 
 
 Cunningham, who had appeared v-ery nervous 
 during the entire interview, seemed more so at this 
 stage of the conversation, and remarked that it was 
 a difficult thing always to tell who was guilty and 
 
MRS. C. ON REPOETEE8 AND HANGING. .339 
 
 who innocent ; and tliat public opinion was very 
 unreliable in such matters. 
 
 Fitzgerald, in commenting on the great number 
 of startling tragedies which the JSTew York papers 
 serve up with such vigor, remarked that he had 
 always supposed the accounts were exaggerated. 
 
 " They are exaggerated," said Cunningham. 
 " The papers are not to be relied upon at all. 
 The reporters are a set of vultures that beset a per- 
 son the moment anything occurs, and if they can't 
 get anything true that suits them, they make it out 
 of whole cloth. The reporters will lie as fast as 
 they can write, and they may use short-hand at 
 that. Look how they worried poor old Mr. Blount's 
 life out of him. They make a thing ten times worse 
 than it would be if they would let it alone. They 
 are a meddlesome, lying set." 
 
 " I presume it is for their interest to overdraw," 
 responded Frank ; " but I suppose Rodgers was 
 really hung." 
 
 " Yes," said Cunningham, " I suppose the poor 
 fellow was killed. It is a barbarous custom, in my 
 opinion, and I think it ought to be abolished. I 
 don't believe in capital punishment. I remember, 
 when I was a child, of seeing a man hung at the 
 Tombs ; and I never have passed the Tombs since 
 but I have thought of an execution." 
 
340 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 " A hard place that Tombs, I should think," re- 
 marked Frank, thinking desperately of Mrs. Cun- 
 ningham's capabilities to judge of that establish 
 ment as a residence. 
 
 " It is a horrible place," she replied with much 
 earnestness ; but suddenly checking her vehemence, 
 added : " at least I should think so. I have been 
 there as a visitor several times, and it didn't seem to 
 me any person could live there." 
 
 Fitzgerald appointed the next Monday afternoon 
 for another interview, at which time, he said, he 
 hoped to be in better health and spirits, and bade 
 her good night. 
 
 THE THIRD AND LAST INTERVIEW OF MR. FITZGERALD 
 AND MRS. CUNNINGHAM. 
 
 Mr. Fitzgerald promptly kept his appointment, 
 and found that Mrs. Cunningham was no less 
 prompt. He believed this would be a decisive 
 interview, and was busy devising means for ending 
 an acquaintance which had commenced wholly by 
 accident, been pursued wholly from curiosity, and 
 which, from every consideration, he felt must be 
 immediately terminated. 
 
 Mrs. Cunningham's appearance was more pale 
 and haggard than on the previous occasion. She 
 
MRS. C.'S SECOND APOLOGY. 341 
 
 was, in fact, a type of perfect mental misery, or of 
 great physical prostration. She again apologized, 
 by saying that they had a wedding at her house 
 the night before. "My second daughter," said she, 
 "fourteen years old, was married last night to a 
 wealthy Southern planter. He is much older than 
 she, but loves her dearly, and I hope they will be 
 happy." 
 
 The broker soon after entered, and said a lady 
 and gentleman were present who wanted the parlor. 
 " As we are all pretty well acquainted now," she 
 said, addressing Frank, " perhaps you will have no 
 objection to going up-stairs. There is a pleasant 
 room directly above this, and I have ordered fire 
 and lights." 
 
 Fitzgerald ascended the stairs, followed by Cun- 
 ningham, and was ushered into the room described 
 by the broker. There was a bed in one corner, and 
 a cheerful fire in the grate. 
 
 "Is it possible," thought Frank, "that these 
 people have concocted a scheme to charm me with 
 this society until a late hour, to rob me of the 
 roll of bills they think I carry ! Is this the Delilah 
 who is to shear my locks, that somebody may cut 
 my throat or pick my pockets ?" 
 
 The more he thought of it, the more his suspi- 
 
342 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 cions were aroused, and he reflected with satisfac- 
 tion on the means of defence he had provided in 
 case of foul play. He resolved to learn definitely 
 the nature of Mrs. Cunningham's expectations, and 
 bring his visit to a speedy close. He accordingly 
 seated himself near a front window, at a sufficient 
 distance to watch her motions, and in a position to 
 observe the door, which he did closely, and com- 
 menced a jovial conversation, as though his spirits 
 were undisturbed by any of the apprehensions re- 
 ferred to. Mrs. Cunningham plainly intimated 
 that a set of winter furs would be very acceptable, 
 and that seventy-five or a hundred dollars would 
 purchase as good a set as she desired. 
 
 Fitzgerald went into a long discourse on the lia- 
 bility of bachelors to lose shirt-buttons, and have 
 their clothes otherwise disordered, to all of which 
 Cunningham assented, and professed to be an ex- 
 cellent hand to look after such matters. 
 
 Gradually she threw off the restraint which she 
 had formerly observed in conversation, and finally, 
 when he asked her directly if she would accom- 
 pany him South, she replied in the affirmative 
 without hesitation ; and when he intimated there 
 was a possibility of his going into business in this 
 city, she urged him, in that case, to buy and fur- 
 
FITZGEKALD TRIES TO GET AWAY. 343 
 
 nisli a house up town, wliicli slie pledged herself to 
 take care of in the best style, and to look after his 
 general welfare in the most satisfactory manner as 
 long as he remained single. As a slight manifes- 
 tation of her interest, she pinned the binding to the 
 cuff of his overcoat, where it had been loosened. 
 
 " You see," said she, " I am a good hand to take 
 care of things. You will get that house if you 
 come here, will you not ?" 
 
 " I will see," replied Frank, looking at his watch. 
 " I will think the matter over; but I have an en- 
 gagement at the Lafarge House at six o'clock this 
 evening, and I see it is almost six o'clock now." 
 
 " But you are not going to leave me so soon ?" 
 
 " Yes, madam, I must go immediately." 
 
 " No ; that will not do. You must spend the 
 evening here with me. There is a good fire, and 
 you needn't go." 
 
 " A very tempting offer, surely," replied Frank ; 
 i but, indeed, it is impossible to accept your gen- 
 erous invitation; I cannot break my engage- 
 ment." 
 
 "Is it so important that you must leave me 
 alone here ?" 
 
 " Yes, it is on business, and imperative. Goorl 
 evening, madam." 
 
344 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 Fitzgerald took liis hat and started for the door ; 
 but Mrs. Cunningham, suddenly rising, said with a 
 smile : 
 
 " No, sir, you cannot go." 
 
 " But I must go." 
 
 " Nbj sir, you shall not go ; you shall stay here 
 with me-;" and so saying, she seized him by 
 the arm, and hurled him back into the chair. 
 Fitzgerald was astonished at her great muscular 
 strength. 
 
 " There is power enough," thought he, " to over- 
 come half the dentists in Bond street united." 
 She handled him, in spite of his resistance, 
 as a strong man would handle a child. He 
 again attempted to go, and again she forcibly 
 drew him back, this time giving him two or 
 three whirls with one hand, with the utmost ease. 
 
 " Sit down," said she ; " I told you you could not 
 go. You see I am bound to have my way." 
 
 " Indeed, madam, you seem determined to detain 
 me ; but I repeat I must go, and shall not remain 
 another minute," said Frank, firmly. 
 
 " You will go if I choose to let you out of the 
 door," said Cunningham. 
 
 "And if you do not choose to let me out of the 
 door, I will go." 
 
,, m ,,,iiiililiiiii!iii|yuii iiti.ii'i iliillliliiiliiii!,! liiltliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiijiiiiiiiiiiii, 
 
 Mr. Fitzgerald is invited to Sit Down PA<;:; ?>U. 
 
 
FITZGERALD A PRISONER. 345 
 
 " No ; you will spend this evening with me. We 
 will play cards ; you must deal." 
 
 The mention of " dealing " reminded Fitzgerald 
 that a present might not be unacceptable, and he 
 took out his porte-monnaie. 
 
 " Perhaps you will accept a little parting pre- 
 sent?" 
 
 " Yes,' thank you, sir," said she, taking the prof- 
 fered bank note. " If you are determined to go, I 
 will let you off if you will fix a time for seeing me 
 again." 
 
 " Monday, four o'clock," said Frank, quite anx- 
 ious to get out doors. 
 
 " Yery well ; now you may go. I hope you will 
 decide to take that house up town." 
 
 "Before I meet you here again,", replied 
 Frank, "I shall decide definitely what course to 
 pursue." 
 
 Fitzgerald descended to the hall, with the inten- 
 tion of going directly out ; but the hall was pro- 
 foundly dark, and the house was silent as a tomb. 
 He groped his way to the door, but to his con- 
 sternation found it bolted and locked, and, as 
 he thought, the key removed. It was, of course, 
 an easy matter to slip back the bolt ; but this did 
 no good ; he was a prisoner, watched, for all he 
 
 15* 
 
34:6 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 knew, by some lurking assassin, who was awaiting 
 in the dark a favorable opportunity to dispatch 
 him. 
 
 He groped his way to the basement stairs, and 
 pounding with all his might and main, called for 
 Mrs. "Willis to come and let him out. There was, 
 however, no response ; the basement, so far as he 
 could see, was as dark and silent as the hall. He 
 pounded and called several minutes in vain ; and 
 finally discovered there was a light in the parlor. 
 He rapped upon the door, but received no answer. 
 After rapping several times he tried the door, and 
 was relieved to find it unfastened. He looked in 
 but the parlor was vacant. 
 
 " Ah," thought he, " the broker told me she 
 wanted the parlor for the use of a lady and gentle- 
 man, but I see that was all moonshine ; it was only 
 a stratagem to get me up-stairs, plotted undoubt- 
 edly long before I came." 
 
 Fitzgerald had confided to a friend the history of 
 his former adventures, and this friend was of opin- 
 ion that he had undertaken an unpropitious busi- 
 ness, and was dealing with customers he should not 
 trust too far. He therefore consented, at Fitzger- 
 ald's request, to follow him to the house, and keep 
 up a sharp watch outside, and be ready to go to his 
 
AN EXCITING SITUATION. 347 
 
 assistance at call, if anything should occur. Fitz- 
 gerald confesses that during the period we are de- 
 scribing, he thanked his stars this friend was so 
 near him, for he now firmly believed the women 
 had laid a plot to rob him. But once in the par- 
 lor, he felt comparatively safe. He resolved, if not 
 released immediately, to smash one of the windows 
 if he could not raise it, and leap into the street a 
 feat easily accomplished. 
 
 He determined, however, to make one more 
 effort to go out regularly, and returning to the 
 basement stairs, set up such a pounding and calling 
 as must have penetrated every part of the house. 
 There was no response, however; and what ap- 
 peared singular, notwithstanding Mrs. Cunningham 
 must have heard him from the first, she paid no 
 attention to him whatever ; he did not see her 
 again, nor hear a syllable from her lips, more 
 than he would had she been a thousand miles 
 distant. 
 
 Not receiving any answer to his fruitless blows 
 and calls, he returned to the parlor, and seizing a 
 chair, was advancing to charge the window, when 
 he heard footsteps. He waited, ready for peace or 
 for war, and soon the broker came up the base- 
 
34:8 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 ment stairs with a lamp, and asked what waa 
 wanted. 
 
 " I want to get out of this house," said Frank. 
 " You seem to have taken the liberty of fastening 
 me in here." 
 
 " Oh 3 Mr. Fitzgerald, is this you ?" she ex- 
 claimed, with apparent surprise. " It seems to 
 me you do not make us a long visit to-night." 
 
 "I have stayed considerably longer than I 
 wanted to. I have been trying to get out here, 
 and pounding and calling until I expected the 
 police would be in to quell the disturbance. I 
 concluded you were deaf. Didn't you hear me ?" 
 
 Mrs. "Willis made no reply, but unlocked the 
 door, and Fitzgerald, without standing upon cere- 
 mony, walked out, breathing freer, and went di- 
 rectly to his lodgings. 
 
 Next day he called upon his friend for informa- 
 tion relative to outside movements, and the fur- 
 ther proceedings of the Bond street widow. He 
 learned that his trusty companion had watched the 
 house during the entire period of his visit, and had 
 discovered various appearances which, under the 
 circumstances, he regarded as suspicious. A rough 
 customer, who had watched him closely, went first 
 
MRS. CUNNINGHAM TRACKED. 349 
 
 into the front yard, and subsequently disappeared 
 in the rear, and upon examination, the friend found 
 a rear entrance to the premises. 
 
 After Fitzgerald left the house, the friend kept 
 his eye constantly upon the door, and after waiting 
 some time, saw a lady in black come into the street, 
 who, from her dress and figure, he believed to be 
 Mrs. Cunningham. She turned towards Fifth Ave- 
 nue, and he, being stationed between the house 
 and that street, walked on, and turned the corner, 
 where he stopped in the shadow of a lamp-post. 
 He expected she would pass him immediately, but 
 she spent some time, apparently in looking about, 
 as if to see whether she was watched. Finally, 
 however, she passed, and the fall gaslight on her 
 countenance made him certain he had not mis- 
 taken the individual. She saw him a and gave 
 him a scrutinizing look, but finally went on and 
 hailed an omnibus. He followed until he thought 
 there was an opportunity to enter unobserved, 
 when he took passage in the same vehicle. Mrs. 
 Cunningham kept her face turned from those in the 
 coach, and rode on to White street, when she got 
 out and went to "No. , a house on the north side, 
 not far from West Broadway, which she entered. 
 
350 MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE. 
 
 This house is one in which rooms are let without 
 board, and is by no means as magnificent as the 
 residences of Fifth Avenue, which she had pointed 
 out to Fitzgerald as the home of her friends. 
 
APPENDIX. 
 
APPENDIX. 
 
 [From the Daily Evening Post, Feb. 14.] 
 THE MATRIMONIAL BROKERAGE ARTICLES. 
 
 WE publish to-day the concluding chapter of " Matri- 
 monial Brokerage in the Metropolis" a series of articles 
 the first of which appeared in the EVENING POST about six 
 months ago, and which, we believe, exposes nearly every 
 phase of swindling perpetrated by means of matrimonial 
 offices and matrimonial advertisements. 
 
 The subject was novel, and the writer of the articles is 
 the first who has given it a thorough investigation. His 
 inquiries have been long and laborious, and not always plea- 
 sant ; but the results, as he has given them, are in every 
 essential respect authentic. Some doubt has been expressed, 
 by correspondents and others, as to the truth of his descrip- 
 tions of the several interviews held in a recent instance, 
 but we are assured, on the best of evidence, that they 
 are nothing more nor less that a faithful report of what 
 took place and was said. If we had not been convinced 
 of this, the articles would not have been printed in this 
 paper. The author, moreover, has many letters and 
 documents that have fallen into his hands, and which we 
 have seen, confirmatory of the stories he has narrated. 
 
 858 
 
354 APPENDIX. 
 
 The exposures demonstrate that, although some may be 
 honest in announcing themselves as candidates for matri- 
 mony, the advertisements are generally the masks of 
 schemes of licentiousness, extortion or robbery. They 
 often emanate from matrimonial offices, or people who 
 patronize them, and are published for grossly improper 
 purposes. Of those which come from " outsiders," a few 
 are put forth by curious and mischievous persons, and are 
 comparatively harmless. Others are inserted for the pur- 
 pose of getting foolish men of property within the power 
 of the advertiser, and in order to " levy black mail," as it 
 is termed, or to rob them outright. 
 
 Matrimonial brokers, as the readers of the articles must 
 be aware, make the highest professions of respectability 
 and honor for themselves and their patrons. But the 
 truth is they have themselves no means of guarding 
 against deception, even if they were so disposed ; and 
 their assertions that they require references and certificates 
 of good character, are unfounded pretences, to gain the 
 confidence of customers. 
 
 The practice of personating women said to be worth a 
 large amount of property, who, in fact, would be penniless 
 but for the liberality of lovers, is not uncommon among 
 them, and the experience of Mr. Gillette, in one of the num- 
 bers, is a fair illustration of their titles to virtue. Many 
 breach of promise cases arise from acquaintances formed in 
 matrimonial offices and by means of advertisements, a fact 
 which is illustrated by the history of Mr. Jenkins, in 
 another number. In short, it may be taken for granted, 
 in nearly every case, that these proceedings are designed 
 to decoy unthinking, inexperienced and heedless per- 
 sons into some trap, either to wheedle them out of their 
 
AFPENDIX. 355 
 
 money, or to put them in a position in which they will be 
 completely in the power of the sharpers. 
 
 We believe that the writer who makes these exposures 
 has rendered a service to the public, and the book which 
 he proposes to form from his contributions will contain 
 much valuable information. In a city as large as New 
 York there is always a large number of gullible people, 
 both male and female, and a large number of rascals to 
 gull them, and one of the duties of the public press is to 
 indicate and describe the various methods by which the 
 process is accomplished. 
 
From the Evening Post of March 5, 1859. 
 THE NEW CHAPTER IN THE HISTORY OF 
 
 MRS.- CUNNINGHAM-BURDELL. 
 
 Its Truth Proven Affidavits of A. C. Hills, the Author of " Matrimonial Broker- 
 age," and of A. J. Marsh, Reporter in the United States Senate. 
 
 SOME of our contemporaries have expressed doubts in 
 relation to the truth of the new chapter in the life of 
 Mrs. Cunningham, which recently appeared in the EVEN- 
 ING POST. As we stated at the time of its publication, 
 it would never have appeared in this paper had we not 
 been fully satisfied of its truth. We now lay before our 
 readers the folio wing affidavits, which fully explain them- 
 selves, and place the truth of the statements beyond a 
 doubt. 
 
 AFFIDAVIT OF A. C. HILLS. 
 
 City and County of New York State of New York, ss. Alfred 
 C. Hills, of the city and county of New York, being duly sworn, 
 deposeth and saith, that he is city editor of the New York EVENING 
 POST, and is the author of a book entitled " Matrimonial Brokerage in 
 the Metropolis," published by Thatcher & Hutchinson, of 523 Broad- 
 way, including Chapter XXXIII., which chapter is entitled " A New 
 and Singular Chapter in the History of Mrs. Cunningham-Bur dell ;" 
 that the said chapter was published in the Daily, Semi-Weekly and 
 Weekly Evening Post and copied by various newspapers of this 
 country and of Canada. 
 
 866 
 
AFFIDAVITS. 357 
 
 This deponent farther saith, that the statements contained in the 
 said thirty-third chapter of said book, relative to three certain inter- 
 views between Mrs. Cunningham, otherwise called Burdell, and Mrs. 
 Jessie Willis, the Matrimonial Broker, and C. Frank Fitzgerald, are 
 true in every essential particular ; that he did not write the said chap- 
 ter from mere rumor or hearsay, but that the facts there set forth are 
 true of his own personal knowledge, except such part of said chap- 
 ter as relates to the observations of a third party outside the house. 
 Deponent further saith, that in the month of November, 1857, he 
 called the attention of one of his employers to wit, one of the chief 
 editors of the Evening Post to the advertisement of a matrimonial 
 office in the New York Herald, and that under the advice of said 
 editor, this deponent commenced an investigation of said matrimonial 
 office ; that his observations induced the belief that the system of 
 matrimonial brokerage and matrimonial advertisements, as carried on 
 in this city, is a fraud and a snare to entrap ignorant and unsuspecting 
 persons, and ought to be exposed ; that still acting under advice and 
 in service of his employers, he followed the said inquiries, and was 
 astonished at the deceit, falsehood and fraud which he discovered at 
 every step, and which he has exposed in the book before alluded to in 
 this affidavit; that this deponent, under assumed names, investigated 
 every office of the kind known by him to exist in New York and 
 Brooklyn, and answered a great number of matrimonial advertise- 
 ments which appeared in the New York Herald, and that by a labo- 
 rious investigation of about fourteen months, this deponent collected 
 the facts which were partially set forth in the articles he has published 
 in the Evening Post, and are fully set forth in the book entitled 
 " Matrimonial Brokerage in the Metropolis." 
 
 And this deponent further saith, that in the month of September 
 last, and, as he believes, on Tuesday, the 7th of that month, under the 
 assumed name of Fitzgerald, and representing himself to be from St. 
 Louis, and a man of wealth and leisure, he visited the matrimonial 
 office of Mrs. Jessie Willis ; that the first advertisement of this place 
 which he saw did not give the street or number of said office, but 
 stated that parties wishing to be introduced, with a view to matri- 
 mony, could ascertain the same by calling at the Broadway post-office 
 for Mrs. Jessie Willis ; that this deponent did so inquire, and received 
 a card in an envelope directed to Mrs. Jessie Willie, and that upon 
 said card were inscribed the words" Mrs. Jessie Willis, No. 18 West 
 
358 APPENDIX. 
 
 Forty-third street," or words to that effect ; that after obtaining the 
 said card, this deponent went to the said office or house, at No. 18 
 West Forty-third street; that he there had an interview with a 
 woman calling herself Mrs. Willis ; that said Mrs. Willis claimed and 
 protested her house was perfectly respectable, and that nothing impro- 
 per was allowed therein ; that these claims and protestations were 
 wholly voluntary on the part of the said Mrs. Willis, as this deponent 
 did not in any manner question the respectability of said house, and 
 did not suggest anything improper. 
 
 And deponent further saith, that said Mrs. Willis promised, if he 
 would call at her office or house the next Thursday, she would introduce 
 him to a young lady whom she represented as accomplished, virtuous 
 and beautiful, provided the mother of the said young lady should be 
 willing to have such introduction take place ; that said Mrs. Willis 
 represented the said mother to be very strict in watching and guard- 
 ing said young lady, and that said young lady had none of the follies 
 and vices of society ; that the said mother would, in four or six weeks, 
 go to Mexico, where she had very wealthy relatives, and thus secure 
 to her daughter large estates, and that her daughter, the said young 
 lady, did not wish to go, and that the said mother would consent to 
 have her remain in this country, provided she could see her suitably 
 married ; but that if such young lady did not become engaged to a 
 suitable person before said mother sailed for Mexico, said young lady 
 would accompany her thither ; that this deponent then believed these 
 representations to be false and made witli intent to decoy this depo- 
 nent, and that he therefore promised to call the next Thursday, for 
 the purpose of discovering and exposing the scheme. 
 
 And this deponent further saith, that on the occasion of the said 
 first interview with the said Mrs. Willis (which interview lasted more 
 than an hour,) the said Mrs. Willis told this deponent that although 
 she did not allow anything improper in her own house, she would, for 
 the sum of one dollar, give him a card which would introduce him to 
 one of the gayest circles of New York, and that the place in question 
 was not a house of ill repute, but a fashionable millinery shop in 19th 
 street, near Fifth avenue, resorted to by some of the most fashionable 
 ladies in the Fifth avenue, the wives and daughters of wealthy and res- 
 pectable citizens, whose husbands and fathers did not supply them 
 with sufficient funds to purchase such costly clothing and jewelry as 
 they desired, and who resorted to disreputable means to procure the 
 
AFFIDAVITS. 359 
 
 same, and expected liberal presents from gentlemen to whom they 
 were introduced ; that deponent took this card, and laid the facts 
 before one" of his employers before alluded to in this affidavit; that 
 this deponent is informed and believes that said employer stated these 
 facts to one of the Police Commissioners of this city, and that a police- 
 man investigated the statements of said Mrs. Willis ; and this depo- 
 nent is informed and believes that said pretended millinery shop is a 
 house of assignation, and that Mrs. Willis's said statements where 
 wholly and utterly false, and were made with intent to defraud this 
 deponent of large sums of money, and this deponent believes the 
 said Mrs. Willis expected to share the same. 
 
 And deponent further saith, that on the Thursday succeeding his 
 first visit at the said matrimonial office of Mrs. Willis, he again called 
 at said office, and was introduced by Mrs. Willis to the young lady of 
 whom said Mrs. Willis spoke to him on the occasion of his first visit ; 
 that a woman whom Mrs. Willis called the mother of the said young 
 woman afterwards came into the room, and after some conversation 
 with this deponent, invited him to call upon her pretended daughter, 
 'and that this deponent recognized the said pretended mother as the 
 woman who succeeded the keeper of a matrimonial office in Fourth 
 street the previous spring, and changed the said matrimonial office, as 
 this deponent is informed and believes, into a disreputable house, as 
 related in the sixth chapter of the book before alluded to in this affi- 
 davit ; and this deponent believes that the said pretended mother and 
 daughter, and the said Mrs. Willis, had conspired together to rob or 
 defraud this deponent. 
 
 And deponent further saith, that in the latter part of October or 
 the first part of November last (and he believes in November), he 
 again visited the said matrimonial office in West 43d street, and told 
 the ke x eper thereof that this deponent had recognized the pretended 
 mother to whom she had introduced him as above stated ; whereupon 
 the said Mrs. Willis professed great surprise, and disclaimed all know- 
 ledge of the fact, and expressed fears that said mother would ruin the 
 daughter ; but that subsequently this deponent was informed by 
 Mrs. Willis that she, the said Mrs. Willis, opened a matrimonial office 
 in the house of the said woman in Fourth street the previous spring, 
 but that she abandoned the same in a few days, for the reason that the 
 said woman charged said Mrs. Willis more room-rent than she was 
 
360 APPENDIX. 
 
 willing to pay ; from which this deponent believes that said Mrs. Wil- 
 lis knew the character of said woman, and knew that she kept a house 
 of ill-fame, and that the said Mrs. Willis, and the said woman, and 
 the said pretended daughter, had conspired together to deceive and 
 defraud this deponent. 
 
 And deponent further saith, that after disclaiming all knowledge of 
 said woman's bad character, the said Mrs. Willis told this deponent 
 she would introduce him to a young widow ; that subsequently this 
 deponent called at said office again to be introduced, but that said 
 young widow did not come ; that said Mrs. Willis expressed surprise 
 thereat, and finally told this deponent there was then in the next 
 room a widow who was older than this deponent, but who was lively 
 and intelligent in conversation, to whom she would introduce him as 
 a passing acquaintance ; that this deponent assented to this proposi- 
 tion, and that said Mrs. Willis immediately led in a woman whose true 
 'name she did not announce, but whom this deponent instantly recog- 
 nized as Mrs. Emma Augusta Cunningham, otherwise called Burdell, 
 the same who was tried for the murder of Dr. Harvey Burdell, on the 
 night of January 30th, 1857. 
 
 And this deponent further saith, that he is positive the said 
 woman to whom he was introduced by the said Mrs. Willis' was the 
 said Mrs. Cunningham, otherwise called Burdell, and that he could not 
 have been mistaken in her identity, inasmuch as he had two inter- 
 views with said Mrs. Cunningham while she was a prisoner in the 
 Tombs awaiting her trial for the murder of Burdell, and that one of 
 these interviews was protracted, as he believes, to about an hour, and 
 that in the Evening Post of the same date to wit, the 17th day of 
 February, 1857 he published an account of said interview; that 
 this deponent also reported evidence on the said Burdell trial, one 
 hour each day, for successive days, for the daily Herald, and saw the 
 said Mrs. Cunningham every day of such reporting ; that he has sub- 
 sequently met her repeatedly in the streets of New York, and cannot 
 be mistaken as to her identity. 
 
 And deponent further saith, that after the said Mrs. Cunningham 
 was led into the parlor of the said matrimonial office, at No. 18 West 
 Forty-third street, she looked sharply at this deponent, as if deciding 
 mentally whether she had before met him ; that this deponent assumed 
 the air of a stranger, and treated the said Mrs. Cunningham with the 
 
AFFIDAVITS. 361 
 
 politeness and courtesy which would be expected under the circum- 
 stances, and that said Mrs. Cunningham's suspicions seemed to be 
 allayed by the said conduct of this deponent. 
 
 And deponent further saith, that the conversation and actions 
 reported in the thirty-third chapter of the book on " Matrimonial 
 Brokerage," before alluded to (being the same as was published in the 
 Evening Post,) as having occurred on the occasion of the said inter- 
 view, did then and there actually occur as related in the said chapter, 
 and that the said chapter is a correct, and true, and faithful report of 
 the same, except that this deponent finds, on reference to a letter 
 written to Mrs. Willis about the time of this occurrence, that the first 
 interview occurred on Friday, instead of Monday, as is stated in said 
 chapter ; and this deponent is not positive that the room from which 
 Mrs. Willis led said Mrs. Cunningham to introduce her to this depo- 
 nent connects with the parlor by means of folding-doors ; that such 
 was his impression at the time of writing, but he has since been 
 informed that said door is not a folding-door, and he is not posi- 
 tive in relation thereto; but with these exceptions, this deponent 
 deposeth that the statements in regard to said interview in the said 
 thirty-third chapter are true ; that he has not imputed to said Mrs. 
 Cunningham or said Mrs. Willis any sentiment they did not express ; 
 that he has not described any scene which did not then actually occur ; 
 but that he has suppressed considerable conversation which he did 
 not deem of sufficient interest or importance to report. 
 
 And deponent further saith, that on the succeeding Monday, and 
 the succeeding Friday, respectively, he had an interview with the said 
 Mrs. Cunningham at the said matrimonial office of Mrs. Willis, and 
 that the conversations and events related in said thirty-third chapter 
 as then occurring, did then and there actually occur, as related in said 
 chapter, except that this deponent remembers, upon reflection, that 
 the fire in the room above the parlor was in a small stove instead of 
 a grate, and that although there were gas-burners in the house, lamps 
 were used for light ; and, further, the conversation respecting James 
 Rodgers, the boy-murderer, occurred at the third, instead of the 
 second interview. And with these exceptions, this deponent depo- 
 seth that the narrative relating to these interviews in said thirty-third 
 chapter are true, and that the events described did actually occur. 
 
 And this deponent further saith, that on the occasion of the second 
 interview, the said Mrs. Cunningham attempted to persuade this depo- 
 
 16 
 
362 APPENDIX. 
 
 nent to go to a place where she said she was acquainted, in which we, 
 the said Mrs. Cunningham and this deponent, could have a private 
 room, and represented that she would prepare a punch which would 
 cure the cold from which this deponent was suffering ; that this depo- 
 nent then believed, and does now believe, that the intent of the said 
 Mrs. Cunningham in the attempt thus to persuade him, was to rob 
 this deponent, or to entertain him while confederates should rob him. 
 
 And deponent further saith, that said Mrs. Cunningham, on the 
 occasion of the second and third interviews, accepted presents in 
 money from this deponent, and at the third interview offered to go 
 South and live with this deponent; and that on the occasion of the 
 third interview, when this deponent attempted to leave the room, he 
 was twice detained by force, and against his will, by the said Mrs. 
 Cunningham ; that when he escaped to the hall below, said hall was 
 dark, and the door bolted and locked, and, as he then believed, and 
 now believes, the key had been removed ; that deponent repeatedly 
 called in vain to be let out, as described in said thirty-third chapter ; 
 and this deponent believes that the said Mrs. Cunningham and the 
 said Mrs. Willis had conspired together to rob this deponent. 
 
 And deponent further saith, that previous to his third interview 
 with Mrs. Cunningham in said matrimonial office, this deponent 
 requested Andrew J. Marsh, then a reporter of the New York Even- 
 ing Post, and now a reporter in the Senate of the United States, to 
 go to said office about the time this deponent had engaged to meet 
 said Mrs. Cunningham therein, and to watch closely said house, and 
 to remain within call, prepared to go to the assistance of this depo- 
 nent if violence should be offered him, and to follow said Mrs. Cun- 
 ningham, and, if possible, ascertain her place of residence or place of 
 resort ; that said Marsh, whose affidavit is hereunto annexed, did con- 
 sent to go, and did actually go, as this deponent knows of his own 
 knowledge, as this deponent, after leaving said office, saw the said 
 Marsh, and as this deponent passed him, this deponent spoke to said 
 Marsh in a low tone, and said : " She is there, follow her," or words 
 of similiar import, which this deponent does not distinctly recall. 
 
 And this deponent further saith, that he hath a clear and distinct 
 recollection of the conversations and occurrences set forth in the said 
 thirty-third chapter ; that he hath related them, in whole or in part, 
 to several 'friends, at different times, including the said A. J. Marsh, 
 as is stated in his affidavit. 
 
AFFIDAVITS. 363 
 
 And this deponent further saith, that, from motives of delicacy, he 
 hath, in the said chapter, suppressed remarks made by the said Cun- 
 ningham at the said interviews, and . hath in some instances in his 
 narrative, clothed her negotiations in less objectionable language than 
 was employed by the said Mrs. Cunningham. 
 
 And deponent further saith, that he hath seen affidavits of the said 
 Mrs. Cunningham and the said Mrs. Willis, in which they deny the 
 statements of said thirty-third chapter, and that a note hath appeared 
 in the Evening Post, signed, "Emma A. Burdell," in which the said 
 statements are pronounced "an entire fabrication," and this deponent 
 is credibly informed that said Mrs. Cunningham hath avowed her in- 
 tention to publish the affidavits of herself and Mrs. Willis above 
 alluded to ; and this deponent believes that this, his avowal, is due to 
 the editors of the paper which published his narrative, and to the 
 gentlemen who have published his book containing said narrative. 
 
 And deponent further saith, that on the morning of Thursday, the 
 24th inst., an advertisement of Mrs. Willis's matrimonial office ap- 
 peared in the New York Herald, from which this deponent infers that 
 said Mrs. Willis still conducts the business of matrimonial brokerage ; 
 and this deponent also believes that the public are entitled to know 
 the character of the said office, and the responsibility of the said state- 
 ments concerning it; and that, therefore, this deponent hath made 
 this affidavit. 
 
 And further deponent saith, that in visiting the office of said Mrs. 
 Willis, and every matrimonial office which he hath visited, this depo- 
 nent hath been actuated by no feeling of ill-will towards the said 
 parties, and hath visited them solely to discover the tricks which this 
 deponent believed they were practising, and that he hath made the 
 exposures in the said book, because he believed they ought to be made, 
 that the public may be warned against a dangerous institution. 
 
 And further deponent saith not. 
 
 ALFRED C. HILLS. 
 
 Sworn to before me this 28th day of February, 18o9. 
 
 DAN'L F. TIEMANN, Mayor. 
 
364: APPENDIX. 
 
 AFFIDAVIT OF A. J. MARSH. 
 
 District of Columbia, County of Washington, ss. Andrew J. 
 Marsh, being duly sworn, deposes and says : That he has been lor 
 two or three years last past a reporter for the New York Even- 
 ing Post, and is at present a reporter of debates in the Senate 
 of the United States for the National Intelligencer, published in this 
 city; that he knows Emma Augusta Cunningham, otherwise called 
 Burdell; that he has seen her repeatedly at the inquest held by 
 Coroner Connery, at New York, on the body of Dr. Harvey Burdell ; 
 at the Tombs, or City Prison, in New York ; at the Surrogate's Court, 
 while contesting her claim to the estate of Dr. Burdell ; at the house 
 No. 31 Bond street, New York, when she was brought out on a bed 
 by policemen, to be taken to the Tombs, on a charge of falsely repre- 
 senting that she had given birth to a child, the issue of her marriage 
 with Dr. Harvey Burdell, and on one or two other occasions, when 
 deponent met her in the streets or public conveyances. 
 
 Deponent further says, that on or about the last part of October, or 
 first part of November, 1858, he was informed by A. C. Hills, also a 
 reporter for the Evening Post, that in the course of some investiga- 
 tions which he was making in respect to the business of Matrimonial 
 Brokerage, as carried on in New York, he had been very unexpectedly 
 introduced to the said Mrs. Cunningham-Burdell, by Mrs. Willis, a 
 matrimonial broker, at No. , Forty-third street, who, at the same 
 time, represented to him that the said Cunningham-Burdell was a 
 wealthy widow lady. Said Hills then, and at subsequent times, related 
 to deponent, conversations and occurrences which had taken place at 
 Mrs. "Willis's house, at interviews between himself, under the assumed 
 name of Frank Fitzgerald, and the said Cunningham-Burdell, substan- 
 tially and almost literally as said conversations and occurrences have 
 since been published in the Evening Post. Said Hills also solicited 
 the cooperation of this deponent in ascertaining where Mrs. Cunning- 
 ham-Burdell lived, and in what business she was really engaged ; and 
 deponent consented to assist in the investigation, the more readily 
 because he was apprehensive that some violence might be offered to 
 eaid Hills, when it might become highly important that he should 
 have assistance within call. It was accordingly arranged between 
 deponent and said Hills, that on a certain evening in the month of 
 
AFFIDAVITS. 365 
 
 November, 1858, (the exact date deponent is not able to recollect, and 
 has no means at hand to refresh his recollection), said Hills was to go 
 to the house of Mrs. Willis to have an interview with said Cunningham- 
 Burdell ; that deponent was to remain outside as near as might be, 
 without exciting the suspicions of those in the house ; that if said 
 Hills should be assaulted, or find himself in danger, he was to cry out, 
 and deponent was to come to his assistance ; and that after the inter- 
 view deponent was, if possible, to ascertain where said Cunningham- 
 Bur dell might go to from the house of Mrs. Willis. 
 
 Accordingly, on the afternoon of the day appointed, deponent went 
 to the house designated, having first taken the precaution to change 
 his dress, so that said Cunningham-Burdell might not be able to 
 recognize him as a reporter. On arriving at the house deponent 
 walked past it, and observed that all the front window-blinds were 
 closed, except those of the basement windows, at one of which stood 
 a little girl, with a dejected countenance, who appeared to have been 
 sobbing, and was mopping the window panes with her dirty face. 
 Deponent, after this hasty examination of the premises, took post at 
 the door of a grocery store, on the opposite side of the street, and 
 a few doors further west, whence he could command a full view of the 
 house, and all who went in or out. The first who went in was 
 apparently a young woman, rather flashily dressed, who came from 
 the direction of Fifth avenue, and deponent knew from her figure and 
 gait that she was not Mrs. Cunningham. 
 
 Almost directly opposite deponent's point of observation was a low 
 building, hi which appeared to be a bar-room. Soon after the young 
 lady above-mentioned entered the house of Mrs. Willis, an elderly 
 man of a portly figure, who had been passing in and out of this bar- 
 room, appeared at an upper window of the same building, leaned out 
 and began to watch intently, first this deponent, and then in the 
 direction of Mrs. Willis's house, changing his gaze from one side to 
 the other with a quick motion. Deponent was impressed with the 
 idea that the old gentleman's curiosity had been excited by seeing 
 this deponent watching the house. But after about fifteen or twenty 
 minutes of watching in this manner, the old gentleman closed his win- 
 dow, came out of his house, and strolled leisurely in the direction of 
 Mrs. Willis's house. The area gate of that house was open, and a 
 couple of goats were nibbling about in the inclosure, and, as the man 
 passed, he drove out the goats and closed the gate. He then passed 
 
366 APPENDIX. 
 
 into the vacant lot beyond and adjoining Mrs. Willis's house, and was 
 out of deponent's sight about three minutes, when he returned to his 
 house. As soon as he had gone in, deponent walked by Mrs. Willis's 
 house again, and looking through the vacant lot, observed what 
 appeared to be a gate or door-way in the board fence between the lot 
 and the back yard of Mrs. Willis's house. 
 
 It was at this time growing dark. Deponent then crossed to the 
 north side of the street, and was walking by the side of the wall of 
 the Negro Orphan Asylum, when he observed a woman walking 
 rapidly from the direction of the Fifth avenue, whom, from her figure 
 and gait, as well as from the description of her dress previously given 
 by said A. C. Hills, he believed to be Mrs. Cunningham-Burdell. She 
 wore a thick, impenetrable veil over her face. She walked directly 
 to Mrs. Willis's door, rung the bell, and was speedily admitted. 
 There was at this time a light in the parlor, shining through the 
 blinds, and the basement window-blinds were closed. No light could 
 have been seen through the latter if one had been burning in the 
 kitchen. Soon after the woman supposed to be Mrs. Cunningham- 
 Burdell entered a light appeared in the second-story front room, 
 immediately over the parlor. The street lamps were about this time 
 all lighted. 
 
 Deponent then walked up and down near the house for about an 
 hour. At length, while deponent happened to be on the opposite 
 side of the street, the front door of the house was opened, and the 
 said A. C. Hills came out, exchanging as he did so a few words in a 
 low tone with a woman who appeared to have given him egress, and 
 who immediately closed the door behind him. He came across the 
 street, passing this deponent, and saying in a low tone, without turn- 
 ing his head, " She's there all right." He then went away in the 
 direction of Sixth avenue. Deponent then took a position between 
 the house and Fifth avenue, beneath a gas-lamp. After waiting per- 
 haps a half an hour, the front door of Mrs. Willis's house opened and 
 a woman came out and approached deponent. As she passed the 
 lamp, her veil being raised, deponent fully recognized her as Mrs. 
 Cunningham-Burdell. About the same time she lowered her veil over 
 her face, at the same time glancing sharply in the direction of this 
 deponent. She walked briskly to Fifth avenue, and turned the cor- 
 ner southward ; deponent immediately followed, and as he turned the 
 corner, saw her standing on the curb-stone. Deponent passed by her. 
 
AFFIDAVITS. 367 
 
 and, as he went by, her veil was partially laised, and again he en- 
 countered her sharp, quick gaze. Deponent would have been able to 
 identify her fully from that glance, even if he had not seen her before 
 on that day. 
 
 Deponent passed on some distance and stopped, when he saw Mrs. 
 Cunningham signal an omnibus, and get into it. Deponent took good 
 care not to lose sight of that omnibus, and scrutinized closely all who 
 got in or out of it, until it reached Broadway, when deponent entered 
 it himself. Mrs. Cunningham-Burdell was sitting on the front seat on 
 the right-hand side, with her veil down, and her face turned towards 
 the front window. She appeared to be recognized, nevertheless, from 
 the fact that deponent saw his fellow-passengers nudge each other 
 significantly while looking towards her, and overheard them using 
 such words as " Burdell" and "Bond street." 
 
 When the omnibus reached the corner of Broadway and White 
 street, Mrs. Cunningham-Burdell sprung up suddenly and pulled the 
 strap vigorously. The omnibus stopped and she got out, keeping 
 her veil down, and was soon followed by this deponent. She walked 
 rapidly down White street towards West Broadway, and went into the 
 house No. 18 or No. 20, deponent has forgotten which number, but 
 thinks it was the latter. Soon after her entrance a light shone from 
 the windows of the second story front room of that house. 
 
 And further deponent says not. 
 
 A. J. MARSH. 
 
 District of Columbia, City and County of Washington. I, John S. 
 Hollingshead, a Commissioner for the State of New York, residing in 
 Washington City, in the County of Washington and District of Colum- 
 bia, do certify that on the 22d of February, 1859, personally appeared 
 before me, in the city of Washington, in the county of Washington 
 aforesaid, A. J. Marsh, who being duly sworn to testify the truth, 
 deposes and says that the foregoing statement is true. 
 
 In witness whereof I have hereunto set my hand and official seal at 
 Washington City, in the county and district aforesaid, this 22d day 
 of February, 1859. 
 
 JOHN S. HOLLINGSHEAD, 
 A Commissioner for^the State of New York. 
 

 
BURT, HUTCHINSON & ABBEY, 
 
 PUBLISH A BOOK OP RARE MERIT, ENTITLED 
 
 THE RELIGIOUS ASPECTS OF THE AGE, with a Glance at the Church of 
 the Present and the Church of the Future, being Addresses delivered at the 
 Anniversary of the Young Men's Christian Union of New York, on the 13th 
 and 14th days of May, 1858, by SAMUEL OSGOOD, D.D., T. J. SAWYER, D.D., 
 Rev. 0. B. FROTHINGHAM, Rev. HENET BLANCHARD, Rev. C. MIEL, Rev. B. F. 
 BARRETT, E. H. CHAPIN, D.D., HENRY W. BELLOWS, D.D., Rev. A. D. MAYO, 
 Rev. T. W. HIGGINSON, Rev. B. PETERS, RICHARD WARREN, Esq., and Hon. 
 HORACE GREELEY. 
 To which is added the Constitution and Rules of Order of the Young Men's 
 
 Christian Union of New*York. 
 
 Price In Paper Covers, $0 25 
 
 On heavy paper bound in Cloth, . . . . 68 
 Do. Cloth, Full Gilt, . . . . 1 00 
 
 PUBLISHERS' PREFACE. 
 
 The Anniversary of the " Young Men's Christian Union of New York," on 
 the 13th and 14th days of May, 1858, may justly be considered as marking an 
 era in the history of the progress of the Christian Church in America ; inas- 
 much as it was the first instance in which so many of the leading minds in the 
 various branches of the liberal and progressive portion of the Christian Church 
 have met on one common platform, for the purpose of discussing the practical 
 bearings of that higher type of Christianity which refuses to be limited by any 
 dogma or fettered by any creed. 
 
 The occasion was one of peculiar interest. Such an array of talent as the 
 speakers presented, would, under any circumstances, have given assurance of 
 a rare literary feast ; but when representatives of different branches of the 
 Christian Church, hitherto somewhat antagonistic, found themselves side by side 
 on a broad platform of Christian Charity and Brotherly Love, they could not 
 but draw inspiration from the occasion as well as the soul-inspiring themes on 
 which they dwelt. 
 
 Believing that the publication of these addresses, in a suitable form for pre- 
 servation, as well as for general distribution, will be rendering a valuable ser- 
 vice to the cause of practical Christianity, and one that practical Christians all 
 over the land will appreciate and encourage, we have assumed the risk, confi- 
 dently relying on the efforts of all who sympathize with the progressive Christ- 
 ian spirit of the age, to extend their circulation. 
 
 The " Religious Aspects of the Age," with a glance at the " Church of the 
 Present and the Church of the Future," is a subject in which all are, or should 
 
be, interested, and this title has been adopted on account of its peculiar 
 adaptation to the contents of the book. 
 
 To accommodate the means and tastes of all, we publish a cheap pamphlet 
 Edition, and another on superior paper, and neatly bound in cloth. 
 
 MARTIN THATCHER, i 
 ORREN HUTCHINSON, \ PDBLISH1?R9 - 
 
 TABLE OF CONTENTS. 
 
 OPENING ADDRESS. By Richard Warren, Esq., President of the Union. 
 
 THB CATHOLICITY OF THE CHURCH OF THE FUTURE. By Samuel Osgood, D.D. 
 
 THB TRUE BASIS OF CHRISTIAN UNION. By Rev. B. F. Barrett. 
 
 WORSHIP ITS NECESSITY. By Rev. B. Peters. 
 
 THE CHRISTIAN SPIRIT OF REFORM. By Horace Greeley. 
 
 THE TRUE GROUNDS OF CHRISTIAN UNION. By Rev. A, D. Mayo. 
 
 WOMAN IN CHRISTIAN CIVILIZATION. By Rev. T. W. Higginson. 
 
 CHRISTIA.N UNION. By Rev. C. Miel. 
 
 INFLUENCE OF THEOLOGICAL THEORIES UPON THE PRACTICAL CONDUCT OF LIFE. 
 
 By Henry W. Bellows, D.D. 
 
 THE RELIGION OF FEAR AND THE RELIGION OF LOVE. By Rev. Henry Blanchard. 
 PROPKR TREATMENT OF THE INFIDEL TENDENCIES OF OUE DAY. By Rev. 0. B. 
 
 Frothingham. 
 
 TRUE AND FALSE VIEWS OF EVANGELICAL RELIGION. By T. J. Sawyer, D.D. 
 TENDENCIES OF TDK AGE FRIENDLY TO LARGER VIEWS OF CHRISTIANITY. By E. 
 
 H. Chapin, D.D. 
 APPENDIX. Conclusion of Dr. Osgood's Address, in the form of a Letter to the 
 
 Publishing Committee. 
 
 OPINIONS OF THE PRESS. 
 
 " It is a work of great merit, and one which will furnish a rich literary feast 
 to the reader." Canton Plain Dealer. 
 
 " A work of great literary value and practical utility ; the young will find 
 attractions in it, and the old instruction and benefit." Black River Herald. 
 
 " It is worth one hundred times its cost." Wisconsin Farmer. 
 
 " We commend them (the Discourses) to our friends throughout the country." 
 Christian Inquirer. 
 
 " It is a valuable book." Literary Oasette. 
 
 " This is a book which deserves to be widely circulated." New York Even- 
 ing Post. 
 
 " They treat of the most vital questions which can engage men's minds or 
 hearts, and look carefully and seriously into the present religious aspects of the 
 age. . . . The book ought to have, and will have, we believe, an extensive 
 sale. . . . There are scores of men, and women too, we judge, now called 
 Deists or Infidels, it may be, and who really reckon themselves as such, per- 
 haps, who would rejoice with unspeakable gladness to become acquainted with 
 the interpretation of Christianity, or Christian doctrine, and the Christian life, 
 rhieh is presented in this attractive volume, and without some new vision 
 breaks upon them, they will wander into hopeless and confirmed unbelief. We 
 
hope the friends of liberal Christianity will circulate this and kindred books 
 broadcast over the laud." Star in the West. 
 
 " Whoever procures and reads it will make a profitable investment of time 
 and money." Universalist Quarterly. 
 
 " The speakers are known to the public, and are known to be men of distin- 
 guished talents. Here are thirteen most valuable lectures 179 pages, paper 
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 THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY