AFTER. DINNER ^ fere's a ISTrto ©tie A Bool^ of After Dinner Stories By Adolph Davidson H. M. CALDWELL CO. PUBLISHERS NEW YORK AND BOSTON Copyright, 1913 H. M. Caldwell Co. THE COLONIAL PRESS C. H. 8IMONDS St CO., BOSTON, V. S. A. 1L 6(61 1° Mm'% & MtW <&nt A PERSONAL QUESTION At Denver a few weeks ago a colored woman presented herself at a registration booth with the intention of enrolling and casting her first vote in the ensuing election. She gave her name, her address and her age ; and then the clerk of registration asked this question : " What party do you affiliate with? " The woman's eyes popped out. " Does I have to answer dat question? " she demanded. " That is the law," he told her. " Den you jes' scratch my name off en dem books," she said. " Ef I got to tell his name I don't want to vote. Why, he ain't got his divorce yit!" And out she stalked. 5 DECEITFULLY POLITE An Irishman was going along the road when an angry bull rushed at him and tossed him over a fence. The Irishman, recovering from his fall, upon looking up, saw the bull pawing and tearing up the grounds, as is the custom of the animal when irritated, whereupon he smiled at the animal and said: " If it was not for your bowing and scraping and your humble apologies, you brute, faix, I should think that you'd thrown me over this fence on purpose." HE COULDN'T TELL Theodore Lane, who resided at the home of his parents, had a toothache the other morning. It was a bad toothache, too, and Theodore let the neighborhood know all about it. But when his father got home that evening (this is accord- ing to his father) the boy was calm and seemed at peace. " Has your tooth stopped aching, Teddy? " asked Theodore, Sr. " I don't know," answered the youngster. " Don't know? Why, what do you mean? " " It's out." 6 fere's a Ntto ®nt GOT WHAT HE COULD The great specialist's patient, after many weeks of treatment, had at last been declared cured of an " incurable " disease, and with a grateful feeling he asked the physician the amount of his bill. " That depends, my dear sir," said the special- ist. " Whenever I treat a man I always make it a point to determine his occupation and how large a family he has to support. Then I make out my bill accordingly. May I ask what you do for a living? " " I am a poet," replied the patient soulfully. " In that case," said the physician, " if you will give me the money in cash now, it'll be a dollar and a half." HARD TO FORGET 11 Beg pardon, sir," observed the tough-looking waiter, suggestively. " Gentlemen at this table usually — er — remember me, sir." " I don't wonder," said the customer, cor- dially. " That mug of yours would be hard to forget." And he picked up his bill and strolled leisurely in the direction of the cashier. 7 44 AND THEY KICK, TOO " Pat was standing near the car track when he noticed an automobile coming up the street, and to be safe he stepped back a little. The auto went past, and, just as it was passing, the driver had an occasion to turn off the track. When he did, the auto skidded on the track, causing the back end of it to swing around, striking Pat and knocking him down. Pat was seen to get up and look after the car and say, " Now p'hat do ye think o' that? Whin ye stand in front o' thim, they run over ye; and whin ye git out o' the way to let thim pass, they turn around and kick ye." SAID IN PASSING " Speak about sloppiness in women ! there's a first-class example across the street," grunted the woman-hater, pointing to a woman opposite them. " See how she holds one side of her skirts up above her knees and lets the other drag along in the mud. That's a sloppy woman, that is ! " " I'll speak to her about it," quietly annexed his companion. "Eh! You know her?" " Yes. She's my wife." 8 AGAIN THE WEATHER " Depressing sort of a day this," said the guest at a small hotel, sitting down to breakfast. " Yes, sir," replied the waiter. " Even the milk, you will notice, has got the blues badly." TOO MUCH HOT AIR " How will you have your hair cut, sir? " said talkative barber to the man in the chair. " Minus conversational prolixity." " How's that, sir? " " With abbreviated or totally eliminated nar- ration." " — er — don't quite catch your meaning, sir." " With quiescent mandibulars." " Which? » " Without effervescent verbosity," impatiently exclaimed the customer, who was rapidly showing signs of anger because the tonsorial artist in charge of the second chair had failed to grasp the import of his explanations. " Sir? " " Let diminutive colloquy be conspicuous by its absence." The hairdresser scratched his head thought- fully for a second and then went over to the pro- prietor of the shop with the whispered remark: 9 " I don't know whether that gentleman in my chair is mad or a foreigner, but for the life of me I cannot find out what style he wants his hair cut." The proprietor went to the waiting customer and said politely: " My assistant doesn't seem to understand you, sir. How would you like your hair cut? " " In silence." The proprietor gave a withering look at his assistant, while the latter began work and felt so utterly crushed that he never even asked his patient if he'd buy a bottle of hair restorer. THE APPARITION The night watchman of a large hotel saw an apparition in white moving along the hall at 2 A. M. He hastened his steps and tapped on the shoulder what proved to be a man. " Here, what are you doing out here? " asked the watchman. The man opened his eyes and seemed to come out of a trance. " I beg your pardon," he said, "lama som- nambulist." " Well," said the watchman, " you can't walk around these halls in the middle of the night in your night shirt, no matter what your religion is." 10 HOGS HAD ALL GONE A story that caused much amusement was told around the ticker in Wall Street offices con- cerning B. A. Worthington, president of the Chicago & Alton Railroad. In the summer of 191 1 Mr. Worthington took his family to a farmhouse in Indiana, where quiet and rest seemed to be assured. Close by, however, was a pig sty, the presence of which was indicated under certain wind conditions. Mr. Worthington planned to go there again this year, but wrote the farmer that the piggery would have to be attended to before he engaged accommodations. The farmer's reply was brief: 14 Can accommodate you all right. There have been no hogs on the place since you left." A LEGAL OPINION " A cat sits on my back fence every night and he yowls and yowls and yowls. Now, I don't want to have any trouble with neighbor Jones, but this thing has gone far enough, and I want you to tell me what to do." The young lawyer looked as solemn as an old sick owl, and said not a word. 14 1 have a right to shoot the cat, haven't I? " 11 i2?ere*0 a Ncto tout " I would hardly say that," replied young Coke Blackstone. " The cat does not belong to you, as I understand it." 11 No, but the fence does." " Then," concluded the light of law, " I think it safe to say you have a perfect right to tear down the fence." HEARD DOUBLE A lanky country youth entered the crossroads general store to order some groceries. He was fourteen years old and was passing through that stage of adolescence during which a boy seems all hands and feet, and his vocal organs, rapidly developing, are wont to cause his voice to undergo sudden and involuntary changes. In an authoritative, rumbling bass voice, he demanded of the busy clerk: " Give me a can of corn " (then, his voice suddenly changing to a shrill falsetto, he continued) "and a sack of flour." " Well, don't be in a hurry. I can't wait on both of you at once," snapped the clerk. KANSAS MEDICINE Mayor Gaynor, at a luncheon in Brooklyn, said to a Prohibitionist: "It is spissitudinous on your part to think that prohibition would 12 SI INi ©errs a Neto 8 a Ntto <£ue but say, vat is all dose colored bottles alround der ceiling und der vails? Decorations? " " Oh, no, no," said Levin; " my insurance agent vud not gif it me my insurance papers unless I put dose tings up dere." " Vy, you don't say it; und vat vas in dem, Levin? " " Vot vas in dem I shall not know it, but dere is kerosene oil in dem now." A DELICATE HINT A jarvey was driving with an English visitor on a bitterly cold day in December through the wilds of Connemara. They became quite sociable on the way, and the native, in a burst of confidence, pointed out a shebeen where the " best potheen in Connaught " might be obtained. The English- man, only too glad to get an opportunity of warm- ing himself, offered refreshment, which offer was readily accepted. " 'Tis a very cold day in these parts, Pat," ob- served the tourist. " 'Tis, yer honor," replied Pat. He raised his glass, and the contents speedily vanished. " And there's truth in the old sayin'," he suggestively added, smacking his lips, " one swallow never made a summer." 47 Vltvt't* a KeUi (Due WHAT HE WAS DOING That it is sometimes mighty easy to get the truth if we ask for it was demonstrated the other evening by a story told by George Otis Smith, director of the Geological Survey at Washington. One afternoon a philanthropic party visited a public school in the poorer section of a big city, and, while making a study of the conditions in the knowledge factory, thought it proper to ask the youngsters a few questions. " Can any little boy or girl tell me," said he very impressively, " what is the greatest of all the virtues? " Nothing doing. Every bright little face looked as if the mind back of it was doing a hard piece of thinking, but there was no reply. " We will try it again," encouragingly said the philanthropist. " What am I doing when I give up my time and pleasure to come and talk to you in your school? " " I know now, mister ! " exclaimed Johnny Smith, raising his hand and snapping his fingers. "Well, what am I doing, little man?" smi- lingly asked the visitor. "Buttin' in!" was the startling rejoinder of Johnny. 48 THE DISADVANTAGES OF AN EDUCATION The advantages of education are so numerous and so evident that they do not have to be proved. Occasionally, however, there are disadvantages as well. The daughter had just returned from finishing school. " That air," remarked her father, as they were sitting together in the dining-room. 11 Father, dear," interrupted the girl, " it's vulgar to say ' that air.' You should say, ' That something there,' or preferably, just ' that.' " " Well, this ear — " commenced her father. " No," his daughter interrupted again. " That's just as vulgar. You must avoid such expressions as ■ This 'ere — ' " " Look here, my girl," said her father, " I'm going to say exactly what I mean. That air is bad for this ear of mine, and I'm going to shut the window." OH, ANSWER THE CHILD "Pa, was Job a doctor? " " Not that I know of." " Then why do people have so much to say about the patients of Job? " 49 lucre's a TSfcU) <&nc HIS BUSINESS 11 You insist that the officer arrested you while you were quietly attending to your own busi- ness? " " Yes, your honor. He caught me suddenly by the collar, and threatened to strike me with his club unless I accompanied him to the station house." " You say you were quietly attending to your own business, making no noise or commotion of any kind? " " Yes, your honor." " What is your business? " " I'm a burglar." AN ANNOYING SPEED LIMIT An old man nearly eighty years old walked ten miles from his home to an adjoining town. When he reached his destination, he was greeted with some astonishment by an acquaintance. " You walked all the way ! " the latter ex- claimed. " How did you get along? " " Oh, first rate ! " the old man replied, genially. " That is, I did till I came to that sign out there, 1 Slow down to fifteen miles an hour.' That kept me back some." 50 AT REST AT LAST In a recent long-drawn trial in New York the defense introduced a miner as a witness and went into a detailed inquiry as to his exact where- abouts for the past ten years. It was most weari- some. For a day and a half the lawyers asked this man to tell his wanderings year by year. Finally they got down to 191 1 and asked him: " What did you do on May 16, 191 1? " " I went to Cobalt." " How long did you remain there? " " I have been there ever since." Juror Number Nine rose in his place and said fervently : "Thank God!" AN EMERGENCY When a certain darky of Mobile, Ala., an- nounced his engagement to the dusky one of his choice, the congratulations that were showered upon him included a note of wonder. " Joe," said one of these friends, " I shore is surprized ! We-all never thought you'd speak up. It's going on two years sence you begun to fool around Miss Violet." "Dat's true," said Joe; "but de fact is, old man, I didn't lose my job until last night." |$m'0 a Neto (Due LOVE'S YOUNG DREAM The newly married young woman rushed into her father's presence and threw herself on her knees before him. " Oh, papa! " she sobbed. " I have come for your forgiveness and blessing! It was wrong and undutiful of me, but I loved Richard so that I just had to elope with him. But I couldn't be happy till I had been reconciled with you, so here I am at your feet." " Well, well," growled the old man, much af- fected in spite of himself, " I suppose I'll have to. But you are alone ! Where is — er — Richard? " " He's just outside, papa, dear, with the cab- man. And now that you have forgiven us, please lend us enough to pay the horrid brute, so that he'll go away. You see, we had only enough money for the license and the minister." AN EXPERIENCE A very young wife, in a strange hotel, trying to find her husband, and thinking he was taking a bath, knocked on the bathroom door and said: " Honey, are you there? " And a strange masculine voice replied : " Madam, this is not a bee hive, it's a bath- room ! " 52 J&tvt'u a Ncto (Due ON THE WRONG CAR Rastus was in New York for the first time, and wanted to go to the Polo Grounds to see a ball game. Getting on one car, he paid his nickel, rode half an hour, then, getting impatient, asked the conductor where he was going. Upon learn- ing from that dignitary that he was on the wrong car and well over in Brooklyn, off he jumped, and took another car, which he was told would take him to the game. This time he landed at the Battery, very excited at his hard luck. The third time he caught a car, sat down, wiped the perspiration from his face, and began to cuss as only a full-born nigger can. A preacher sitting next to him heard him, looked over and said: " Why, don't you know you're going straight to hell? " Up jumped Rastus, made one dive for the door, stopping only long enough to shout to the preacher : " Fo' de Lawd's sake, massa, I is on de wrong car again! " IMPORTANT Wife (on an auto tour) — " That fellow back there said there is a roadhouse a few miles down the road. Shall we stop there? " Husband — " Did he whisper it or say it out loud? " 53 WANTED TO KNOW A little slum child was enjoying his first glimpse of pastoral life. The setting sun was gilding the grass and roses of the old-fashioned garden, and on a little stool he sat beside the farmer's wife, who was plucking a chicken. He watched the operation gravely for some time. Then he spoke: " Do yer take off their clothes every night, lady?" ' WITH APOLOGIES TO MARY Mary had a little cat, 'Twas white and black and yellow, And pretty Mary loved it so She never had a fellow. Mary had a Thomas cat, It warbled like Caruso; A neighbor swung a baseball bat. Now Thomas doesn't do so. YOUR DEAL " Wot was that last card Oi dealt ye, Moike? " " A shpade." " Oi knew it! Oi saw ye spit on yer hands be- fore you picked it up." 54 fere's a Neto ©ne SUBTRACTION The teacher was hearing the youthful class in mathematics. " No," she said, " in order to subtract, things have to be in the same denomination. For in- stance, we couldn't take three pears from four peaches, nor eight horses from ten cats. Do you understand? " There was assent from the majority of pupils. One little boy in the rear raised a timid hand. 11 Well, Bobby, what is it? " asked teacher. " Please, teacher," said Bobby, " couldn't you take three quarts of milk from two cows? " LITERARY INSTINCTS As Jones wended his uncertain way homeward, he pondered ways of concealing his condition from his wife. " I'll go home and read," he decided. " Who ever heard of a drunken man reading a book? " Later Mrs. Jones heard a noise in the library. " What in the world are you doing in there? " she asked. " Reading, my dear," Jones replied cheerfully. "You old idiot!" she said scornfully, as she looked in at the library door, " shut up that valise and come to bed." 55 SHE KNEW WHY An old Scotch lady was told that her minister used notes. She disbelieved it. Said one, " Go into the gallery and see." She did so and saw the written sermon. After the luckless preacher had concluded his reading on the last page, he said, " But I will not en- large." The old woman cried out from her lofty position, " Ye canna, ye canna, for your paper's give oot! " BUSINESS HEAD " Open the window, waiter; I am roasting," a customer exclaimed who had just dined at a Paris restaurant. " Shut it up, waiter; I am frozen," protested a man who had just sat down. The waiter hesitated. The proprietor settled the dispute at once. " Obey the customer who has not yet dined," he said. A MAKESHIFT " Look here, Mose ; I thought you were going to be baptized into the Baptist Church? " "Yaas, sah, I was. But Fs bein' sprinkled into de 'Piscopal till de summer comes." 56 IQtxz'u a jtfeto (Due THAT'S THE QUESTION " Here is a story of a Chicago woman who says that present marriage laws make woman the slave of man," said the square-jawed matron as she looked up from the newspaper. " Why don't they enforce the law, then ? " meekly asked Mr. Henpe.cke. v WANTED TO SWAP Two Kansas city lawyers, whose names are withheld for obvious reasons, declare that they were present when the following incident oc- curred: Uncle Mose was a chronic thief who usually managed to keep within the petty larceny limit. One time he miscalculated, however, and was sent to trial on a charge of grand larceny. " Have you a lawyer, Mose? " asked the court. " No, sah." " Well, to be perfectly fair, I'll appoint a couple. Mr. Jones and Mr. Brown will act as counsel." " What's dat? " 11 Act as your lawyers — consult with them and prepare to tell me whether you are guilty or not guilty." " Yas, sah." 57 here's a Ncto (5>ur Mose talked to his attorneys for a few moments in husky whispers. The judge caught only the word alibi, several times repeated. Then Mose arose, scratched his head, and addressed the court: " Jedge, yoh Honah," he said. " Cou'se Ah's only an ign'ant niggah, an' Ah don' want toh bothah yoh Honah, but Ah would suttinly like toh trade, yoh Honah, one ob dese yeah lawyers foh a witness." FLY IN THE OINTMENT Two Glasgow women, meeting one day, fell into conversation, and the one said to the other: "Aye, Mrs. McTavish, an' so Jeanie's got marriet!" " She has that, Mrs. McAlpine." " An' how's she getting on? " 11 Oh, no sae bad at a'. There's only one thing the matter. She carina bide her man! But, then, there's aye something." BRIGHT, OR LAZY " Johnny, I don't believe you've studied your geography." "No, mum; I heard pa say the map of the world was changing every day an* I thought I'd wait a few years, till things got settled." 58 ALL ABOARD The Ark was manned and well equipped And waiting for the tide ; You'd Noah most peculiar crowd Of creatures were inside. The social lion had his place, The deadly boar was there, The rat was very plainly seen Beneath the little hare. The golf lynx and the legal seal Stood by the hobby horse; The end-seat hog was blocking up The passageway, of course. The German stag, the Irish bull, Also the Latin shark, The sad bird and the gay bird, The lobster on a lark, The scapegoat and the bookworm, The rabbit a la Wales, The fire dogs and the night hawk Were hauling up the sails. SETTING HER RJGHT Angry Purchaser — Didn't you tell me that you had got as many as twelve eggs in one day from those eight hens you sold me? Poultry Raiser — Yes, ma'am. 59 Angry Purchaser — Then why is it that I'm never able to get more than two eggs from them, and sometimes not so many in one day? Poultry Raiser — I don't know, ma'am, un- less it's because you look for eggs too often. Now, if you look for them only once a week, I feel quite positive that you will get just as many eggs in one day as I did. HELPING HIM OUT Mr. Dippy — I wish to do something to show my regard for your sister, but I can't think of what she might like the best, so I thought I'd ask you to help me out. Miss Snippy — Well, if you want to do some- thing that will please her more than anything else, you might stop hanging around here six nights a week and give some other fellow a chance. THE PACE THAT KILLS A youth of fifteen whose father was occasion- ally given to the use of profanity in his home, con- tracted the same habit, much to the disturbance of both his parents. 60 1%tKt f % a Heto ©tie His mother, concluding that something must be done to prevent it becoming an established habit, made a rule that after a certain date, a fine of two cents should be paid her for every profane word used. Owing, however, to the fact that all the family were good Universalists, a com- promise was reached on the words " devil " and " hell," the fine for these being placed at one cent. The first night's settlement found the father owing two cents and the son five cents, but no- body had any pennies. The son refused to pay his part unless his father paid also. Finally, when all hope of an adjustment had passed, the son spoke up. " Say, Dad, be a sport. Go to it; make it even five cents — you can get two damns and a hell for a nickel." THE PROVIDENT DARKY " The darky," says a Southern congressman, " although proverbially improvident, sometimes has his weather-eye open. " In Mobile, one day, I gave a quarter to a colored youth, who had done me some trifling service. The coin was handed back to me. ' Ex- cuse me, boss,' said the negro; ' yo' knows I don't want no pay f o' what I does fo' yo'. Yo' jes' gimme dat ole suit of clothes yo' has on.' " 61 A POOR PROVIDER The daughter of the family had received a pro- posal of marriage, and the momentous subject was being discussed at the breakfast table the next morning. " Say, dad," spoke up Freddie, " I don't be- lieve sister's feller will make a good husband." " What makes you think so, my boy? " asked his father, with a smile. "Why," returned Freddie, "he's been com- ing here for over a year, and in all that time he's given me only seventeen cents." TONSORIAL ART Barber — Poor Jim has been sent to a lunatic asylum. Victim (in chair) — Who's Jim? " Jim is my twin brother, sir. Jim has long been broodin' over the hard times, an* I suppose he finally got crazy." " Is that so? " " Yes, he and me has worked side by side for years, and we were so alike we couldn't tell each other apart. We both brooded a great deal, too. No money in this business now." " What's the reason? " 62 " Prices too low. Unless a customer takes a shampoo, it doesn't pay to shave or hair-cut. Poor Jim, I caught him trying to cut a customer's throat because he refused a shampoo, so I had to have the poor fellow locked up. Makes me sad. Sometimes I feel sorry I didn't let him slash all he wanted to. It might have saved his reason. Shampoo, sir? " "Yes!" A DARK PLOT Members of a certain club in New York tell of a conversation that was heard to occur between two members just before Christmas. " Sam," said one, " I understand from my wife that you and Mrs. Blank are to call upon us to-night." " I believe some such arrangement has been made," said the other member. Whereupon the first member knit his brows in deep reflection and fidgeted nervously in his chair. " Sam," said he finally, "lam going to ask a favor of you. Please do not let your wife wear her new sables. The fact is, that at this particu- lar time, I don't want my wife to see them." " Why, Dick," smiled the other member, " that was what we were coming for." 63 A FINE JOKE Stopping the sporty student, who was having a hot time scorching over the speedway with a fast bunch, the country constable brought him before the judge. " Hm-m! " growled the justice. "You were here yesterday, and it cost you ten. College stu- dent, aren't you? " " Yes, your honor. I have had three years of culture." " And, therefore, you should be refined." " I am," said the defendant, as hopes of es- caping with his pocketbook uninjured arose. " You are ! " retorted the judge. " Fifty dol- lars!" FATAL ADMISSION A man who had been troubled with bronchitis for a long time, called on a rather noted doctor. After a few questions, the doctor told him he had a very common ailment that would readily yield to treatment. " You're so sure you can cure my bronchitis," said the man, " you must have had great experi- ence with it." "Why, my dear sir," confided the doctor, " I've had it myself for over twenty years! " 64 A MISUNDERSTANDING Indignant customer (pushing his way into tailor shop and throwing down a package) — Say, you, give me back my money! These new trousers have a patch in the rear! Agitated tailor — Why, sir, I thought you wanted them to have a patch in the rear. You told me to include the latest novelty. That patch is made of a material that you can light safety matches on. WHAT HE WAS Miss Chatterson — I hear you've been opera- ting in the stock market. Were you a bull or a bear? Mr. Smatterson — Neither. I was the goat. EASY " Have any trouble naming the baby? " " Not at all. We've only one rich relative of her sex." SIMILAR Bacon — Huxley said that an oyster is as com- plicated as a watch. Egbert — Well, I know both of them run down easily. 65 fi)tvt f ti a KtUi <&w AWFUL BLUNDER A nice but not especially clever young man went to a little evening party in the East End last week — so the story goes. This young man was introduced to several pretty girls, but he showed a distinct preference for a certain one of these, and her he led to sup- per and distinguished among all others by his favors. Finally he got her into a corner and stam- mered forth his admiration, thus: "I like you a lot!" " Why do you like me? " " You're the only college girl I ever liked." " But why am I? " " Aw — all the other college girls seem to know so much ! " EDGAR KNEW THEM The teacher was hearing her class of small boys in mathematics. " Edgar," she said, " if your father can do a piece of work in seven days, and your Uncle Will- iam can do it in nine days, how long would it take both of them to do it? " " They would never get done," answered the boy, earnestly. " They would sit down and tell fish stories." 66 fere's a Neto <£ue AN IRISH GUIDE The Cork driver had a brother in Dublin who got a chance (and took it) of explaining the sights of the town to a " stranger." The stranger was an Englishman, and as the car was passing the post-office, he said to the jarvey: " This is a very fine building." " Och, sor," said he, with a truly Irish bull, " but ye should see the front. This is the back — the front's behind." " Then, what are those figures on the roof? " asked the Englishman. " These, sor," replied the Jehu, " are the twelve apostles." "The twelve apostles!" repeated the tourist; " there are only three." " Ach, sure," said Pat in a tone that indicated anything was good enough for an Englishman; " the rest are inside sortin' the letters, sor." SOMETIMES LESS " Twice did Smith refuse to take a drink on conscientious grounds." " Then the third time he should have felt jus- tified in taking one." " Why so? " " Because three scruples make one dram." G7 SICK OF LOVE A Washington woman has in her employ as butler a colored man of a pompous and satisfied mien, who not long ago permitted a damsel, long his ardent admirer, to become his spouse. One day when the mistress of the house had occasion to temporarily avail herself of the serv- ices of the butler's wife, it was observed that whenever the duties of the two brought them in conjunction the bride's eyes would shine with extraordinary devotion. " Your wife seems wonderfully attached to you, Thomas," casually observed the mistress of the house. "Yes, ma'am," answered Thomas, compla- cently. " Ain't it jest sickenin' ? " CAREFUL An Irish politician had just returned from a trip abroad. A friend met him and inquired : " Did you have a fine time, Mike? " " Of course I did." " Did you visit the theatres in Paris? " " Sure, I was in all of 'em." "Well, tell me, Mike, and did ye see any pommes de terre? " " No. I had the wife with me all the time." 68 ADVISING THE COURT A colored man was brought before a police judge charged with stealing chickens. He pleaded guilty and received sentence, when the judge asked him how it was he managed to lift those chickens right under the window of the owner's house, when there was a dog in the yard. " Hit wouldn't be of no use, judge," said the man, "to try to 'splane dis ting to you all. Ef you was to try it, you like as not would get yer hide full o' shot an' git no chickens, nuther. Ef you want to engage in any rascality, judge, yo' bettah stick to de bench, whar yo' am familiar." NO LICENSE NECESSARY The defendant, who was held on the charge of keeping a dog without a license, repeatedly tried to interrupt the evidence, but was hushed each time by the court. Finally, the clerk turned to him: " Do you wish the court to understand that you refuse to renew your dog license? " "Yes, but — " " We want no * buts.* You must renew your license or be fined. You know it expired on Janu- ary i." " Yes, but so do the dog." CO THE NUT CRACKER Mrs. Cooke had a new servant, and after the first cake was baked the mistress went to the kitchen. " Delia," said Mrs. Cooke, " your cake was very good, but there were not enough nuts in it. When you make another, please remember I like plenty of nuts in the cake." " Well, mum," replied the girl, " the reason I didn't put more in was because I couldn't crack any more to-day. Indeed, mum, an' my jaw hurts yet from them I did crack." SIBILANT PRAISE One of the ushers approached a man who ap- peared to be annoying those about him. " Don't you like the show? " "Yes, indeed!" " Then why do you persist in hissing the per- formers? " "Why, m-man alive, I w-was-n't h-hissing! I w-was s-s-simply s-s-s-saying to S-s-s-sammie that the s-s-s-singing is s-s-s-superb.' » Half the world don't know how their better halves live, and if they are wise, won't try to find out. 70 SPARRING FOR TIME " Will you be my wife? " begged the infatuated youth. " I will let you know in a week," temporized the beauteous maiden. " Why not now? " " Gee, you gotto gimme time to break my other engagements, aintcher? " said the girl, forgetting her grammar for the nonce. The young man couldn't do anything but ac- quiesce, could he? And who are we to read minds and say what he thought? INDIANS AND INDIANS Mr. Porkington, of Chicago, visiting in New York, was introduced to a lady as from that growing town. "Ah!" she smiled, with the keen cynicism of the effete East. " From Chicago? I suppose you have Indians out there? " " Yes, madam, some," he replied humbly. "Ah! Aren't you afraid of being scalped?" " Not now, madam; not now," he responded, with profound sincerity. " I was, before I came to New York ; but having been skinned as I have by these New York Indians, I consider scalping by our Chicago brand as a mere bagatelle." Then there was a lull in the conversation. 71 PRECISION President Wilson, at a dinner in Washington, said of a statistician: " His figures are so precise that one inclines to doubt them. He is like the American sugar planter in Hawaii, who, taking a friend to the edge of a volcano, said: " ' That crater, George, is just seventy thou- sand and four years old.' " ' But why the four? ' George asked. " * Oh, I've been here four,' was the reply. * It was seventy thousand when I came.' " TAKING NO CHANCES Cautious Storekeeper: " I see you have mushrooms," she said, as she stopped in front of a grocery. " Yes'm, they are said to be mushrooms," was the reply of the grocer. " But aren't they? " " I'm not going to say, madam. They may be or may not." "Oh, I see! You think they may be toad- stools? " " They may be." " And would kill those who ate them? " " Exactly." 72 11 1 remember to have read that a score or more of people in New York ate toadstool and died." " I read the same thing, madam." 11 And so — so — " " So there they are. If they are real mush- rooms, you get a bargain at the price asked; if they are toadstools, your heirs can't get a cent out of me, for everything is in my wife's name." The woman said she would take two beets and a carrot, and let it go at that. IN BAD Young Jack was talking to the new visitor soon after her arrival. He eyed her critically for a few moments, then looked up and said: " So you're my grandmother, are you? " " Yes, dear. On your father's side," remarked the old lady, smiling. "Well, you're on the wrong side; you'll find that out," replied Jack, without removing his gaze. A CHANGE OF CLIMATE The bellboy jumped as he heard the bell, And he scented another dime. As he ran for the stairs, he said in glee, 11 1 am called to another climb." 73 APPRECIATED BREVITY Doctor Abernethy, the famous Scotch surgeon, was a man of few words, but he once met his match — in a woman. She called at his office in Edinburgh one day, and showed a hand badly inflamed and swollen, when the following dia- logue, opened by the doctor, took place : " Bum? " " Bruise." " Poultice." The next day the woman called again, and the dialogue was as follows: " Better? " " Worse." " More poultice." Two days later the woman made another call, and this conversation occurred: " Better? " " Well. Fee? " "Nothing!" exclaimed the doctor. "Most sensible woman I ever met." RAPID WORK Residents in rival cities, Jones and Brown were bragging hard about the excellence of their re- spective homes. " Take our fire brigade," said Jones, after an 74 TQtxVu a TSFtto (Due hour's heated discussion. " Do you know, the other day a fire broke out in our town, and within three minutes the engine came along, but it was going so fast that the driver couldn't pull up till he was a mile past the burning house." Brown smiled in a superior fashion. 11 My dear fellow, that's nothing," he said. " One day two men were working on a church steeple in my city, and suddenly one of them slipped. A terrible death would have been his, but a spectator had the presence of mind to call the fire brigade on the telephone, and they came just in time to catch him in a blanket." EXPERIENCED The ladies were discussing a wedding which took place in their church the previous evening. " And do you know," continued the first and best-informed lady of the party, " just as Frank and the widow started up the aisle to the altar every light in the church went out." This startling bit of information was greeted by a number of "Oh's!" "What did the couple do then?" finally in- quired one who beat the others out in regaining her breath. " Kept on going. The widow knew the way." 75 AN UNFRIENDLY TIP It was the first night of a barnstorming troupe in a small Western town, billed to play the re- mainder of the week. The villain dragged the shrinkingtfieroine down the stage to the footlights, and in her ear he hissed: "Are we alone?" And from the meagre audience came a wearied growl: " Not to-night, you ain't; but you will be to-morrow night." WOULD HE? (" I am very fond of limericks." — Woodrow Wilson.) Mr. Wood of N. J. lived at Wood Row, And he'd row o'er the lake to see Woodrow, But if Woodrow some day Were to ask Wood, now pray Would Wood row Woodrow o'er to Wood Row? BEFORE HER TIME Little Alice came in the house at luncheon- time with a pair of very dirty hands. Her mother looked at the little girl's hands and said: " You never saw my hands as dirty as yours." " No, mother," replied the child, " but grand- mother did." 76 A TRUTHFUL STORY-TELLER William had been to Catalina with his mother, and had enjoyed the trip in the glass-bottom boat. He was telling about it to a little friend. " Yes, Edgar, we could see the fish laying on the bottom of the ocean ! " " Lying, dear," put in his mother. " No, I'm not, mother," he replied stoutly. HIS NAME She ransacked every novel, And the dictionary, too, But nothing ever printed For her baby's name would do; She hunted appellations From the present and the past, And this is what she named him When they christened him at last: Julian Harold Egbert Ulysses Victor Paul Algernon Marcus Cecil Sylvester George McFall. But after all the trouble She'd taken for his sake, His father called him Fatty, And his schoolmates called him Jake. 77 CULTIVATING THE FORK Alfred Gwynne Vanderbilt, dressed after the best English manner in a black, tight, long-tailed morning coat, dark trousers, gray topped boots, and a silk hat worn at a rakish backward angle, discussed at the horse show his project of living part of the time abroad. 11 Why shouldn't one live a lot abroad? " he said. " They are not so bad over there. In dress, in books, in plays, in music — really, you know, in nearly everything they are not so bad. I fear we underrate them. I fear we are all too prone to regard the foreigner as he is regarded in the story of Count Sans Terre. " ' Why, count,' cried a friend, ' look at your face! Such rapier cuts! Don't you know that duelling is going out of fashion? ' " ' I have not been duelling,' growled the count. ' It's my American wife. She makes me eat with a fork.' " USELESS TO TRY Needing some ribbon one day, while in a very small Southern town, we went to the one store there. " Ribbon? " questioned the storekeeper. " Well, we-all just mislaid our stock of ribbons, 78 but if you-all come back later, I'll see if I can find them." So back we went later. He had found them. " What color did you-all want? " " Blue," we replied. " Oh, blue! " he exclaimed in disgust. " We haven't got any blue. Blue is so popular we don't even try to keep it." HIS RIVAL It happened in front of the village post-office. An old farmer was holding his frightened team while an automobile rushed by. " Queer how horses are so skeered of them things," said one of the loafers. " Queer? " grumbled the farmer. " What would you do if you should see my pants coming down the street with nothing in them? " ANENT THE FLEA How doth the little busy flea Delight to jump and bite ! He's never where he seems to be — He's always out of sight! The things the flea has done to me Are not a cause for laughter ; I've cussed him till I plainly see My place in the hereafter. 79 Ji)tvt f n a Keto tout A WILD THROW Judge M. W. Pinckney, at a recent banquet, recalled an incident to show that there is some humor associated with such a serious thing as the law. In Dawson City, a colored man, Sam Jones by name, was on trial for felony. The judge asked Sam if he desired the appointment of a lawyer to defend him. " No, sah," said Sam. " I's gwine to throw myself on the ignorance of the cote." TRY IT Bee Master (to pupil who has just brushed off bee which stung him) — Ah ! You shouldn't do that; the bee will die now. You should have helped her to extract her sting, which is spirally barbed, by gently turning her round and round. Pupil — All very well for you, but how do I know which way she unscrews? A DULL DOG There is a very sweet girl in a Kansas town who stutters dreadfully. One night not long ago when her beau was leaving, she accompanied him to the porch and said : " George, are you coming again next S-s-s-s-s — " The dog was on the porch. After George was 80 half a mile down the road, with the dog gaining on him at every leap, it occurred to him that pos- sibly the young lady had intended to say " Sun- day " instead of " Seize him; " but it didn't occur to the dog for as much as a mile or so beyond that. IMMUNE The Hon. Tim Sullivan of Tammany fame tells of a young philosopher he encountered not long ago on the street. This lad was of diminutive size, and carried under his arm such a load of newspapers that the Hon. Tim was moved to pity. " Son," asked the Tammanyite, " don't all those papers make you tired? " " Nope," cheerfully replied the bit of humanity; " I can't read." THE ULTRA RICH Mrs. Richley had recently purchased a sub- urban estate, and was entertaining a poor rela- tion, who remarked: " What splendid fowls ! Do they lay well? " " Oh, they can lay beautifully," remarked the hostess, " but of course in our position they don't have to." 81 COULDN'T FEAZE HIM While Governor Foss of Massachusetts was in the South one winter, he met an old colored man who claimed he had known George Washington. The Governor, quite amused, asked the old fellow if he was in the boat when George Wash- ington crossed the Delaware. The old man said : " Oh, Lor', massa, it was me dat steered dat boat." The Governor, not to be outdone, then asked: " And do you remember when George took the hack at the cherry tree? " The colored man was lost in thought for a mo- ment, then, with a beaming smile, he said: " Why, suah, massa, I dun drove dat hack mahself." AN ORDEAL " Bach " Smith had been invited in to look at the new-born babe of friend Jones, and having forgotten the sex of the infant prodigy, here was his masterpiece of an opinion: " Well, well, but he's a fine little fellow, isn't she? How old is it now? Do her teeth bother him much? I hope he gets through its second summer all right. She looks like you, doesn't he? Every one says it does." And then fled precipi- tately. 82 J&txvu a jSftto (Due COUSINS TO SOLOMON The story is told of a well-known traveler who on one journey was much annoyed by a pedantic bore who forced himself upon him and made a great parade of his learning. The traveler bore it as long as he could, and at length, looking at him gravely, said: " My friend, you and I know all that is to be known." " How is that? " said the man, pleased with what he thought a complimentary association. 11 Why," said the traveler, " you know every- thing except that you are a fool, and I know that." SHE WAS WILLING TO HELP The charming wife of a French diplomat had never thoroughly mastered the English language. She was urging an American naval officer to attend a dinner, the invitation to which he had already declined. The lady insisted that he must go, but the young officer said he could not possibly do so, as he had " burned his bridges behind him." The lady misunderstood the word. "That will be all right," she exclaimed; "I will lend you a pair of my husband's." 83 > ft) eve's a Keto <£ue HONORABLE BUT REMOTE A man well past middle life, who had spent his years getting rich and who had never had any time to devote to the ladies and similar frivolities, began paying attention to a certain young lady. Her father, a prudent man, waited for what he considered a reasonable time for the suitor to propose. But the suitor seemed satisfied with things as they were, so father took the matter into his own hands. " Cyrus, you've been settin' up with Dora, takin' her to picnics, and to church and buggy-ridin' as though you'd had the inside track. An' nothin's come of it. Now I'd like to know your intentions, as man to man." " Well, I'll tell you as man to man, and there ain't no cause for you to ruffle your shirt. My intentions is honorable — but remote." GENEROSITY A large, husky negro and a small Frenchman were sawing a large piece of timber for the Boston subway with a heavy crosscut saw, each in turn pulling it back and forth. A pugilistic Irishman stopped to watch the operation. After a few mo- ments he strolled up to the negro, and dealt him a blow, saying: " Give the saw to the little fel- low if he wants it." 84 WHICH ANIMAL? One afternoon little Alice went out for a walk with her mother. A very dirty organ-grinder was near the curb. He had a long beard, and was particularly unkempt-looking. The man had a monkey on a string, and Alice's mother gave her a penny to give to the little animal. " Step up to him and give him the penny," said the mother. Alice hesitated for a moment, and then turning to her mother, asked very gravely: " Which one shall I give it to, mother? The monkey or his father? " COULDN'T BEAT THAT An American was boasting to an Irishman about the fastness of American trains. " Why, Pat," said the American, " we run our trains so fast in America that the telegraph poles look like a continuous fence." " Do they now? " said Pat. " Well, sir, I was wan day on a train in Ireland, and as we passed first a field of turnips, then wan of carrots, then wan of cabbage and then a large pond of water, we were goin' that fast I thought it was broth!" 85 WHAT IS THE ANSWER Senator Borah was talking at a dinner in Boise about an embarrassing question that had been asked at Chicago. " The question," he said, smiling, " went un- answered. It was like little Willie's query. " A young gentleman was spending the week- end at little Willie's cottage at Atlantic City, and on Sunday evening after dinner, there being a scarcity of chairs on the crowded piazza, the young gentleman took Willie on his lap. "Then, during a pause in the conversation, little Willie looked up at the gentleman and piped : " ' Am I as heavy as sister Mabel ? ' " POSITIVE PROOF An Irishman and a Scot were arguing as to the merits of their respective countries. " Ah, weel," said Sandy, " they toor down an auld castle in Scotland and foond manny wires under it, which shows that the telegraph was knoon there hoondreds o' years ago." "Well," said Pat, "they toor down an ould castle in Oireland, and begorra there was no wires found undher it, which shows that they knew all about wireless telegraphy in Oireland hun- dreds av years ago." 86 LETTER WRITING IS NOT A LOST ART This is a copy of a real letter written by a fresh- man at the University of Kansas to the loved ones at home: "Dear Mother: I must have a gymnasium suit and a pair of tennis shoes ; please send them to me. If I get them here I will have to pay for them out of my allowance. Also send along three ties, a pair of gloves, a laundry bag and a loung- ing jacket — of course I wouldn't think of get- ting a smoking jacket. I am sending a pattern for a fraternity pillow, which please embroider and return. And, say, mother, kindly slip me a five occasionally, as Dad does not give me a very liberal allowance. Now, you do not deserve this letter, as you have not written this week, so I am not going to write you another word. Your loving son, — " HIS EXPLANATION A Scotchman visiting in America stood gazing at a fine statue of George Washington, when an American approached. " That was a great and good man, Sandy," said the American; " a lie never passed his lips." " Weel," said the Scot, " I praysume he talked through his nose like the rest of ye." 87 NATURE AND NECESSITY Those who have ever hunted flats in New York know well that till a rental of five thousand or six thousand dollars a year is reached flats are in- credibly cramped. Indeed, in a good neighbor- hood even a five thousand dollar flat is likely to be a tiny one. Discussing this phenomenon, Professor Brander Matthews said at a luncheon: " I remarked to a lady the other day: " ' Why, madam, your dog wags his tail up and down!' " * Yes,' she replied, * he has to. We are com- paratively poor, you see, and Fido was raised in a five thousand dollar flat.' " MIGHT AS WELL AND SAVE THE TROUBLE The wealthy old lady was very ill and sent for her lawyer to make her will. " I wish to explain to you," she said weakly, " about disposing of my property." The lawyer was sympathetic. " There, there, don't worry about it," he said soothingly ; " just leave it to me." " Oh, well," said the old lady resignedly, " I suppose I might as well. You'll get it anyway." 88 Vm?u a l$m (Due SHE DID The young girl sat in her bedroom reading and waiting impatiently. Her older sister was enter- taining a young man in the parlor and she wanted to know how it would terminate. At last there was a sound in the hall, and a crash as of a closing door made it plain to the girl that the young man had gone. Throwing down her book, she ran to the head of the stairs and peered eagerly and intently into the blackness of the hall beneath. "Well, Maude," she called, "did you land him?" There was a peculiar silence and then a mas- culine voice responded: "She did." HOW HE TOOK THE PICKLE The physician had been treating a man for dyspepsia for a long time, and finally, wishing to know how his patient was coming on, he told him to take a dill pickle just before going to bed and see if he could hold it on his stomach over night. The next day the man called, and the physician asked him the result. " Oh, it was all right, Doctor," he said, " as long as I was awake; but when I went to sleep it rolled off." 89 fctxt'n a TSTcto