AFTER. 
 DINNER
 
 ^
 
 fere's a ISTrto ©tie
 
 A Bool^ of After Dinner Stories 
 
 By 
 Adolph Davidson 
 
 H. M. CALDWELL CO. 
 
 PUBLISHERS 
 NEW YORK AND BOSTON
 
 Copyright, 1913 
 H. M. Caldwell Co. 
 
 THE COLONIAL PRESS 
 C. H. 8IMONDS St CO., BOSTON, V. S. A. 
 
 
 1L 

 
 6(61 
 1° 
 
 Mm'% & MtW <&nt 
 
 A PERSONAL QUESTION 
 
 At Denver a few weeks ago a colored woman 
 presented herself at a registration booth with 
 the intention of enrolling and casting her first 
 vote in the ensuing election. 
 
 She gave her name, her address and her age ; 
 and then the clerk of registration asked this 
 question : 
 
 " What party do you affiliate with? " 
 
 The woman's eyes popped out. 
 
 " Does I have to answer dat question? " she 
 demanded. 
 
 " That is the law," he told her. 
 
 " Den you jes' scratch my name off en dem 
 books," she said. " Ef I got to tell his name I 
 don't want to vote. Why, he ain't got his divorce 
 yit!" 
 
 And out she stalked. 
 
 5
 
 DECEITFULLY POLITE 
 
 An Irishman was going along the road when 
 an angry bull rushed at him and tossed him over 
 a fence. 
 
 The Irishman, recovering from his fall, upon 
 looking up, saw the bull pawing and tearing up 
 the grounds, as is the custom of the animal when 
 irritated, whereupon he smiled at the animal and 
 said: 
 
 " If it was not for your bowing and scraping and 
 your humble apologies, you brute, faix, I should 
 think that you'd thrown me over this fence on 
 purpose." 
 
 HE COULDN'T TELL 
 
 Theodore Lane, who resided at the home of 
 his parents, had a toothache the other morning. 
 It was a bad toothache, too, and Theodore let 
 the neighborhood know all about it. But when 
 his father got home that evening (this is accord- 
 ing to his father) the boy was calm and seemed 
 at peace. 
 
 " Has your tooth stopped aching, Teddy? " 
 asked Theodore, Sr. 
 
 " I don't know," answered the youngster. 
 
 " Don't know? Why, what do you mean? " 
 
 " It's out." 
 
 6
 
 fere's a Ntto ®nt 
 
 GOT WHAT HE COULD 
 
 The great specialist's patient, after many 
 weeks of treatment, had at last been declared 
 cured of an " incurable " disease, and with a 
 grateful feeling he asked the physician the amount 
 of his bill. 
 
 " That depends, my dear sir," said the special- 
 ist. " Whenever I treat a man I always make 
 it a point to determine his occupation and how 
 large a family he has to support. Then I make 
 out my bill accordingly. May I ask what you do 
 for a living? " 
 
 " I am a poet," replied the patient soulfully. 
 
 " In that case," said the physician, " if you 
 will give me the money in cash now, it'll be a 
 dollar and a half." 
 
 HARD TO FORGET 
 
 11 Beg pardon, sir," observed the tough-looking 
 waiter, suggestively. " Gentlemen at this table 
 usually — er — remember me, sir." 
 
 " I don't wonder," said the customer, cor- 
 dially. " That mug of yours would be hard to 
 forget." 
 
 And he picked up his bill and strolled leisurely 
 in the direction of the cashier. 
 
 7
 
 44 AND THEY KICK, TOO " 
 
 Pat was standing near the car track when he 
 noticed an automobile coming up the street, and 
 to be safe he stepped back a little. 
 
 The auto went past, and, just as it was passing, 
 the driver had an occasion to turn off the track. 
 When he did, the auto skidded on the track, 
 causing the back end of it to swing around, 
 striking Pat and knocking him down. 
 
 Pat was seen to get up and look after the 
 car and say, " Now p'hat do ye think o' that? 
 Whin ye stand in front o' thim, they run over 
 ye; and whin ye git out o' the way to let thim 
 pass, they turn around and kick ye." 
 
 SAID IN PASSING 
 
 " Speak about sloppiness in women ! there's 
 a first-class example across the street," grunted 
 the woman-hater, pointing to a woman opposite 
 them. " See how she holds one side of her skirts 
 up above her knees and lets the other drag along 
 in the mud. That's a sloppy woman, that is ! " 
 
 " I'll speak to her about it," quietly annexed 
 his companion. 
 
 "Eh! You know her?" 
 
 " Yes. She's my wife." 
 
 8
 
 AGAIN THE WEATHER 
 
 " Depressing sort of a day this," said the guest 
 at a small hotel, sitting down to breakfast. " Yes, 
 sir," replied the waiter. " Even the milk, you 
 will notice, has got the blues badly." 
 
 TOO MUCH HOT AIR 
 
 " How will you have your hair cut, sir? " said 
 talkative barber to the man in the chair. 
 
 " Minus conversational prolixity." 
 
 " How's that, sir? " 
 
 " With abbreviated or totally eliminated nar- 
 ration." 
 
 " — er — don't quite catch your meaning, sir." 
 
 " With quiescent mandibulars." 
 
 " Which? » 
 
 " Without effervescent verbosity," impatiently 
 exclaimed the customer, who was rapidly showing 
 signs of anger because the tonsorial artist in 
 charge of the second chair had failed to grasp 
 the import of his explanations. 
 
 " Sir? " 
 
 " Let diminutive colloquy be conspicuous by 
 its absence." 
 
 The hairdresser scratched his head thought- 
 fully for a second and then went over to the pro- 
 prietor of the shop with the whispered remark: 
 
 9
 
 " I don't know whether that gentleman in 
 my chair is mad or a foreigner, but for the life 
 of me I cannot find out what style he wants his 
 hair cut." 
 
 The proprietor went to the waiting customer 
 and said politely: 
 
 " My assistant doesn't seem to understand 
 you, sir. How would you like your hair cut? " 
 
 " In silence." 
 
 The proprietor gave a withering look at his 
 assistant, while the latter began work and felt 
 so utterly crushed that he never even asked his 
 patient if he'd buy a bottle of hair restorer. 
 
 THE APPARITION 
 
 The night watchman of a large hotel saw an 
 apparition in white moving along the hall at 2 
 A. M. He hastened his steps and tapped on the 
 shoulder what proved to be a man. " Here, what 
 are you doing out here? " asked the watchman. 
 
 The man opened his eyes and seemed to come 
 out of a trance. 
 
 " I beg your pardon," he said, "lama som- 
 nambulist." 
 
 " Well," said the watchman, " you can't walk 
 around these halls in the middle of the night in 
 your night shirt, no matter what your religion is." 
 
 10
 
 HOGS HAD ALL GONE 
 
 A story that caused much amusement was 
 told around the ticker in Wall Street offices con- 
 cerning B. A. Worthington, president of the 
 Chicago & Alton Railroad. 
 
 In the summer of 191 1 Mr. Worthington 
 took his family to a farmhouse in Indiana, where 
 quiet and rest seemed to be assured. Close by, 
 however, was a pig sty, the presence of which 
 was indicated under certain wind conditions. 
 Mr. Worthington planned to go there again this 
 year, but wrote the farmer that the piggery 
 would have to be attended to before he engaged 
 accommodations. 
 
 The farmer's reply was brief: 
 
 14 Can accommodate you all right. There have 
 been no hogs on the place since you left." 
 
 A LEGAL OPINION 
 
 " A cat sits on my back fence every night and 
 he yowls and yowls and yowls. Now, I don't 
 want to have any trouble with neighbor Jones, 
 but this thing has gone far enough, and I want 
 you to tell me what to do." 
 
 The young lawyer looked as solemn as an old 
 sick owl, and said not a word. 
 
 14 1 have a right to shoot the cat, haven't I? " 
 
 11
 
 i2?ere*0 a Ncto tout 
 
 " I would hardly say that," replied young 
 Coke Blackstone. " The cat does not belong to 
 you, as I understand it." 
 
 11 No, but the fence does." 
 
 " Then," concluded the light of law, " I think 
 it safe to say you have a perfect right to tear down 
 the fence." 
 
 HEARD DOUBLE 
 
 A lanky country youth entered the crossroads 
 general store to order some groceries. He was 
 fourteen years old and was passing through that 
 stage of adolescence during which a boy seems 
 all hands and feet, and his vocal organs, rapidly 
 developing, are wont to cause his voice to undergo 
 sudden and involuntary changes. 
 
 In an authoritative, rumbling bass voice, he 
 demanded of the busy clerk: " Give me a can 
 of corn " (then, his voice suddenly changing to a 
 shrill falsetto, he continued) "and a sack of flour." 
 
 " Well, don't be in a hurry. I can't wait on 
 both of you at once," snapped the clerk. 
 
 KANSAS MEDICINE 
 
 Mayor Gaynor, at a luncheon in Brooklyn, 
 said to a Prohibitionist: "It is spissitudinous 
 on your part to think that prohibition would 
 
 12
 
 SI 
 
 INi 
 
 ©errs a Neto <kue 
 
 succeed in cosmopolitan New York. Prohibition 
 would do worse here than in Kansas. 
 
 " You know how it does there. There liquor 
 can only be sold as a medicine. As a New York 
 visitor was buying a tooth brush in a Kansas drug 
 store one afternoon a brawny cowboy entered 
 with a four-gallon demijohn. He plumped the 
 great wicker demijohn down on the counter, the 
 ruggist looked at him inquiringly, and he said: 
 
 " ' Fill her up, Jim. Baby's took bad.' " 
 
 THE DEDUCTION 
 
 Gen. Dabney H. Maury of the Confederate 
 Army used to tell a story about his faithful negro 
 boy, Jim, the son of his old mammy, whom he 
 took with him to the war. The general was not 
 a large man, except in the traits which made 
 great men and great soldiers. 
 
 After the battle of Corinth, where he was pro- 
 moted to the rank of major general on the battle- 
 field, he came into his tent and called his 
 servant. "Jim," he said, "when you make up 
 my cot, tuck those blankets well in at the feet. 
 My feet stick out all night." 
 
 Looking up at him with an amused look, Jim 
 said : " Marse Dabney, you ain't growed none, 
 is you, since you got promoted yesterday? " 
 
 13
 
 f^erc'B a KeUi (tout 
 
 PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT 
 
 11 'Bleeged to you, sah," said a disgruntled 
 looking negro who had edged his way into the 
 office of a prominent Arkansas attorney, " and 
 I wants to git a d'vorce fum muh wife on de 
 grounds dat she has done been th'owin' things 
 at me for de last several yeahs." 
 
 " Ah! And have any of the missiles seriously 
 injured you? " 
 
 " Sah? No, sah ! She didn't th'ow none o' dem 
 saft-uh ar-tickles at me; she dess flung dishes, 
 and stove han'les, and skillets, and a 'casional cat 
 or dog or suppin' datuhway. And dey didn't none 
 of 'em hit me; that is, 'twill yit. But wid all dis 
 yuh practizin' some o' dese days she gwine to git 
 to be what day call a expert, and bust mah haid !" 
 
 INQUISITOR 
 
 A small boy whose father had just died was 
 being interviewed by an inquisitive friend about 
 the facts of his father's death. He had been 
 asked what his father died of, when he died, 
 how old he was when he died and when he was 
 to be buried. Finally the questioner said: " And 
 what were your father's last words, dear? " 
 
 To which the youth replied, " He didn't have no 
 last words. Mother was with him to the last." 
 
 14
 
 FAIR TO MIDDLIN* 
 
 " Well, George," said the president of the 
 company to old George, " how goes it? " 
 
 " Fair to middlin', sir," George answered. And 
 he continued to currycomb a bay horse. " Me 
 an' this here hoss," George said, suddenly, 
 " has worked for your firm sixteen years." 
 
 " Well, well," said the president, thinking 
 a little guiltily of George's seven-dollar salary. 
 " And I suppose you are both pretty highly 
 valued, George, eh? " 
 
 " H'm," said George, " the both of us was 
 took sick last week, and they got a doctor 
 for the hoss, but they just docked my pay." 
 
 WHAT HE HAD 
 
 He was an artist, and the humdrum life in the 
 butcher's shop vexed his noble spirit. Some- 
 how, selling scrag of mutton and the best end 
 of the neck was not appreciated by his artistic 
 temperament, and so he went to London, where 
 talent is recognized and paid for — sometimes. 
 
 For a time he wrote glowing letters home. 
 Then there came silence. 
 
 " Success," reflected his sorrowing parents, 
 11 has been too much for him. He has forgotten 
 us. Alas, alas! " 
 
 15
 
 But he hadn't, for, one evening, just as his 
 father was sitting down to supper and preparing 
 to enjoy his humble chop, a small boy brought a 
 note. 
 
 " Dear Dad," it read, " please meet me by the 
 old bridge at midnight, and bring with you a shirt, 
 a waistcoat and a jacket. I have a hat. John." 
 
 THE TRAIN ROLLED ON AND 
 ROLLED BADLY 
 
 He had reached that stage of intoxication where 
 he felt it necessary to show those in the smoking 
 car who had not already noticed it, the size of 
 the package he was taking home upon him. 
 
 Fixing a watery eye upon an inoffensive old 
 gentleman opposite who was trying to read the 
 evening paper and was having difficulty owing 
 to the feeble light, he leaned forward and vol- 
 unteered this: 
 
 " OP Hancock was the wise guy, eh? " 
 
 Nothing doing. 
 
 The bibulous person reached out and gave 
 the old gentleman's paper a pull, and said : 
 
 "I say, ol' chap; Hancock knew what he 
 was talkin' 'bout, what? " 
 
 " I guess so," replied the old gentleman wearily. 
 
 " Said the tariff was er local issue, didn't he? 
 
 16
 
 Well, ain't it? " and getting no response: " Pr'aps 
 you ain't interested in the tariff? " 
 
 The tormented one allowed that he was not 
 interested, and quiet reigned for a moment. 
 Then a new idea struck the befuddled one. 
 Perhaps the old gentleman was fond of music, 
 and taking the affirmative for granted he broke 
 forth into song, essaying "Marching Thro' 
 Georgia." Some trouble developed in his upper 
 register and he was fishing around for a lower 
 note to start with when the guard entered and 
 the solo became a concerted number helped out 
 by suggestions from the other passengers. Fi- 
 nally the guard got in a question : 
 " Say, young feller, where do you get off? " 
 "Oh, sometimes one place; sometimes an- 
 other." 
 " Well, where do you get off tonight? " 
 (Loftily) " 'S immaterial; am ' erston ' ? " 
 " Well, suppose you get off at the next stop? " 
 The drunk again assured the " L " man that 
 it was immaterial to him, and to prove it he got 
 off as suggested. 
 
 WHAT'S IN A NAME? 
 
 An American traveling in Europe engaged 
 a courier. Arriving at an inn in Austria, the 
 
 17
 
 man asked his servant to enter his name in 
 accordance with the police regulations of that 
 country. Some time after the man asked the 
 servant if he had complied with his orders. 
 
 " Yes, sir," was the reply. 
 
 " How did you write my name? " asked the 
 master. 
 
 " Well, sir, I can't pronounce it," answered the 
 servant, " but I copied it from your portmanteau, 
 sir." 
 
 " Why, my name isn't there. Bring me the 
 book." 
 
 The register was brought and, instead of the 
 plain American name of two syllables, the follow- 
 ing entry was revealed: 
 
 " Monsieur Warranted Solid Leather." 
 
 A PERPLEXED CHILD 
 
 '" Papa," said a little girl who had been looking 
 on while her father was building a furnace fire, 
 which had gone out because the grate had be- 
 come clogged with clinkers, " I read in a book 
 yesterday that the good die young." 
 
 He wiped the blood from his bruised wrist and 
 turned to look at his daughter. 
 
 11 Well, what about it? " he asked. 
 
 11 Is it true? " 
 
 18
 
 " I dunno. I guess so." 
 
 " If it is, I'm not surprised that you grew up, 
 but I wonder how mamma managed to pull 
 through." 
 
 HONORS WERE EVEN 
 
 A fat man could not help laughing one day at the 
 ludicrous appearance of a very bowlegged chap — 
 one of those arch-looking chaps you know. 
 
 Though a total stranger to him the fat man 
 slapped the bowlegged chap on the back and said : 
 
 " By jingo, brother, you look as if you'd been 
 ridin' a barrel." 
 
 The bowlegged man smiled and poked his fore- 
 finger deep into the fat man's loose, soft stomach. 
 
 " And you look as if you'd been swallowin' 
 one," he said. 
 
 EXPLAINED 
 
 The steamboat came splashing along her course 
 at full speed and the first thing the passengers 
 knew she had crashed dead on into the pier. 
 
 " Mercy! " cried a passenger, as the splinters 
 flew, " I wonder what is the matter? " 
 
 " Nothin'," said Pat, one of the deck hands. 
 11 Nothin', ma'am — ut looks to me as if the 
 captain just forgot that we shtop here." 
 
 19
 
 THAT WAS DIFFERENT 
 
 "Hello!" 
 
 " Well." 
 
 " Is this the gas company? " 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 " My gas bill for last month is one dollar and 
 fifty cents." 
 
 " Well? " 
 
 " That is away off, and " — 
 
 11 Just one moment, please." 
 
 " Well? " 
 
 " In the first place, our men who read the 
 meters are not in the habit of making mistakes." 
 
 " But, you see, we " — 
 
 " We employ capable fellows who know 
 their business, and it is utterly impossible for 
 a mistake to be made. They turn in their figures 
 after a careful examination of the meter, and a 
 most competent office force here does the rest. 
 If you were charged one dollar and fifty cents for 
 gas last month, you may be dead certain that 
 you burned exactly that much and no more." 
 
 " But I wanted to " — 
 
 " There is no use declaring your house has 
 been closed and you have been out of town. The 
 bill will have to be paid or we will take out your 
 meter." 
 
 20
 
 w 0h, I'm perfectly willing to pay the dollar 
 and fifty cents." 
 
 " Then what are you kicking about? " 
 
 " And this is not a kick." 
 
 " It isn't? " 
 
 " No. I merely wanted to state that we burned 
 gas night and day during the month, owing to 
 sickness, and that the bill should have been at 
 least ten dollars. Of course, if you don't want 
 to correct it, I'm perfectly satisfied. How about 
 it?" 
 
 But the man in the gas office had collapsed. 
 
 A SHARP BUYER 
 
 An Irishman passing a shop where a notice 
 was displayed saying that everything was sold 
 by the yard thought he would play a joke on the 
 shopman, so he entered the shop and asked 
 for a yard of milk. The shopman, not in the 
 least taken aback, dipped his fingers in a bowl 
 of milk and drew a line a yard long on the counter. 
 Pat, not wishing to be caught in his own trap, 
 asked the price. 
 
 " Sixpence," said the shopman. 
 
 " All right, sorr," said Pat. " Roll it up; I'll 
 take it." 
 
 21
 
 jy eve's a UCeUi (Due 
 
 TAKING THE COUNT 
 
 A doctor in an Iowa town had been very busy 
 for several days and was worn out and sleepy 
 when he got to bed one morning about two 
 o'clock. 
 
 Just as he dropped off a summons came from 
 a house half a mile away. The lady of the house, 
 the call said, was dying of a heart difficulty. 
 
 The sleepy doctor got into his clothes some- 
 how and went to the house, where the patient — 
 a very stout woman — was in bed, breathing 
 stertorously. 
 
 The doctor could find nothing specially wrong, 
 but the woman was panicky. 
 
 " Cough! " he ordered. She could not. Then 
 he put his ear over her heart and said: " Count 
 slowly." 
 
 Next thing he knew he woke to hear the 
 woman counting faintly: 
 
 " Ten thousand and forty-seven — ten thou- 
 sand and forty-eight — " 
 
 THE DEAL FELL THROUGH 
 
 He had been drinking. That was very evident 
 to the woman who came to the door in answer to 
 his ring. 
 
 " Shay," he began, after looking up and down 
 
 22
 
 Vltxt'u a Krto ©tie 
 
 the street nervously, " you put advertisement 
 (hie) in paper shmorning? " 
 
 " I did," she replied. 
 
 " You shed you (hie) would give good home 
 to cat." 
 
 " Yes ; have you a cat you wish to get rid of? " 
 
 " Besher life ! " he rephed heartily. 
 
 She was about to ask for further particulars 
 when a stockily built, angry-looking woman 
 stopped at the gate and motioned to the man. 
 
 " Jake, you drunken fool, come down here to 
 me this minute! " 
 
 " Thash her — thash old cat I want to get 
 a home for," he whispered. " Shay, when " — 
 
 The lady who wanted the feline, however, 
 quickly closed and locked the door, while her 
 caller slunk down the steps and was led away 
 by the ear. 
 
 DIGS THEM OUT 
 
 " Do you have any literary people in your 
 town? " asked a guest of Mr. Booth Tarkington 
 out in Indiana. 
 
 " There goes Hiram Spaydes — that man with 
 the pick and shovel on his shoulder," replied Mr. 
 Tarkington. " He has produced some of the best 
 cellars every season." 
 
 23
 
 MAD AS A WET HEN 
 
 " Billy," exclaimed Mrs. Brow, " why are 
 you carrying that big pail of water down to the 
 chicken yard? " 
 
 " Why, mamma, I'm goin' ter pour it on that 
 old speckled hen." 
 
 " You naughty boy ! What are you going 
 to torture a poor dumb creature for? " 
 
 " Quitcher kiddin' me, ma. I only wanted 
 to find out how mad you'd be if papa went to 
 the banquet of the Tough Knut Society tonight. 
 Papa said over the 'phone that you'd be as mad 
 as a - " 
 
 He didn't need to finish. The poor kid found 
 out right then how mad his mamma would be. 
 
 WHAT HE POSSESSED 
 
 An Italian organ grinder possessed a monkey 
 which he " worked " through the summer 
 months. When the cool days of fall came his 
 business fell off and he discontinued his walks 
 and his melodies. An Irishman of his acquaint- 
 ance offered him ten cents a day for the privilege 
 of keeping and feeding the little beast. The 
 bargain was made for a month. 
 
 Great curiosity filled the mind of the Italian, 
 and at last, unable to restrain himself, he went 
 
 24
 
 ostensibly to see his pet, but really to find out 
 what possible use Pat could make of the monkey. 
 The Irishman was frank. 
 
 " It is loike this," he said: " I put up a pole 
 in me back yard with the monk on the top. Tin 
 or twelve thrains of cars loaded with coal go 
 by ever' even. There's thramps on every 
 car. Every wan takes a heave at the monk. 
 Divil a man has hit him, but Oi have seven- 
 teen tons of coal." 
 
 ALSO COMIC 
 
 First Shining Light (in the colored church) — 
 " Ah don't believe in callin' dis heah society de 
 Ladies' Auxiliary. Dat's imitatin' de white 
 folks." 
 
 Second Shining Light — " Den wot will we 
 call it? " 
 
 First Shining Light — " Well, wot's de mattah 
 wid callin' it de ' Colored Supplement? ' " 
 
 AT THE BALL GAME 
 
 " Clarence, dear," said young Mrs. Putney, 
 " I want to ask you something. Suppose the 
 man who throws the ball hits the man behind the 
 bat — " 
 
 " Yes? " 
 
 " Does he get a cigar or anything? " 
 
 25
 
 A STARTLING ANNOUNCEMENT 
 
 Dean Stanley was once visiting a friend who 
 gave one of the pages strict orders that in the 
 morning he was to go and knock at the Dean's 
 door, and when the Dean inquired who was 
 knocking he was to say: "The boy, my Lord." 
 According to directions he knocked and the 
 Dean asked: "Who is there?" Embarrassed 
 by the voice of the great man the page answered: 
 " The Lord, my boy." 
 
 JUSTIFIED 
 
 Pat and Mike were working on a new building. 
 Pat was laying brick and Mike was carrying the 
 hod. Mike had just come up to the fourth floor, 
 when the dinner whistle blew. His lunch was 
 on the ground. " I hate to walk down after it," 
 he said. 
 
 " Take hold of this rope," said Pat, " and I'll 
 let you down." Pat let him down half-way and 
 then let go of the rope. Mike landed in the 
 mortar bed not much hurt, but terribly mortified. 
 
 " And why did ye let go of the rope? " he de- 
 manded. 
 
 " I thought it was going to break," said Pat, 
 " and I had presence of mind enough to let go." 
 
 26
 
 NOT HIM 
 
 While in ^Boston a while ago I went over to 
 East Boston on the ferry. There was a steam 
 shovel at work out in the harbor and I was stand- 
 ing watching it. Suddenly I felt a tap on my 
 shoulder and turned around to find a son of 
 Erin standing there. " Say," said he, " isn't 
 this a wonderful country? By gorry, now just look 
 at that thing goin' down there, now, look at it, 
 isn't that wonderful? But say, ould man, I 
 wouldn't want to be the guy at the bottom filling 
 that thing up, would ye? " 
 
 GRATEFUL 
 
 A good old Irish pastor was thanking his con- 
 gregation for the many Easter offerings and his 
 tremulous voice told how great was his pleasure. 
 
 " I wish to thank the congregation," he said, 
 " for the many beautiful gifts from my people 
 this glorious Easter Sunday. The plate dona- 
 tions were far in excess of my expectations, the 
 candles were many and freely contributed, and 
 the flowers were simply beautiful; but I want 
 to say right here and now that the thing that 
 touched my heart the most was whin little 
 Mary Killy walked oop the aisle an' laid an egg 
 on the altar." 
 
 27
 
 WHY OF COURSE 
 
 " Stockings? " said the salesman. " Yes, 
 ma'am. What number do you wear? " 
 
 " What number? " snapped the stern-visaged 
 lady. " Why, two, of course. Do you take me 
 for a centipede? " 
 
 AND THEN SOME 
 
 " What sort of a bridge expert is Wombat? " 
 
 " He's what we call an Ibsen expert." 
 
 " An Ibsen expert? " 
 
 " Yes ; he makes some mighty queer plays." 
 
 COULD REACH IT 
 
 A temperance lecturer was enthusiastically 
 denouncing the use of all intoxicants. 
 
 "I wish all the beer, all the wine, all the 
 whiskey in the world was at the bottom of the 
 ocean," he said. 
 
 Hastily Pat rose to his feet. 
 
 " Sure, and so do I, sor," he shouted. 
 
 As they were leaving the hall the lecturer en- 
 countered Pat. 
 
 " I certainly am proud of you," he said. " It 
 was a brave thing for you to rise and say what 
 you did. Are you a teetotaler? " 
 
 " No, indade, sor. I'm a diver." 
 
 28
 
 fatten a uceto eue 
 
 A COSTLY VIRTUE 
 
 " Uncle Joe " Cannon, apropos of Washing- 
 ton's Birthday, said in Danville : 
 
 " Washington was veracious. Veracity, I 
 suppose, worked better in those days. It's a 
 virtue now that often costs its owner dearly. 
 A Danville man howled downstairs from his 
 den the other night: 
 
 " « Who the dash-blank-asterisk went and 
 broke my new meerschaum pipe? ' 
 
 "Little Willie, mindful of the approach of 
 February 22, shouted back in cheery tones: 
 
 " ' I done it, pop. I cannot he.' 
 
 " ' You can't, eh? ' roared the father, rushing 
 downstairs, strap in hand. ' Well, you won't be 
 able to sit, either, when I get through with you!'" 
 
 YOU CAN'T BEAT THE IRISH 
 
 VMrs. Hennessey, who was a late arrival in 
 the neighborhood, was entertaining a neighbor 
 one afternoon, when the latter inquired: 
 
 " An' what does your old man do, Mrs. Hen- 
 nessey? " 
 
 " Sure, he's a di'mond-cutter." 
 "Ye don't mane it!" 
 
 "Yis; he cuts th' grass off th' baseball 
 grounds." 
 
 29
 
 A DISTINCTION 
 
 One would have it that a collie is the most 
 sagacious of dogs, while the other stood up for 
 the setter. 
 
 " I once owned a setter," declared the latter, 
 " which was very intelligent. I had him on the 
 street one day, and he acted so queerly about a 
 certain man we met that I asked the man his 
 name, and — " 
 
 " Oh, that's an old story! " the collie's advo- 
 cate broke in sneeringly. " The man's name was 
 Partridge, of course, and because of that the dog 
 came to a set. Ho, ho ! Come again ! " 
 
 " You're mistaken," rejoined the other, 
 suavely. " The dog didn't come quite to a set, 
 though almost. As a matter of fact, the man's 
 name was Quayle, and the dog hesitated on ac- 
 count of the spelling." 
 
 THE CHAMPION OPTIMIST 
 
 We award the championship diamond belt 
 for optimism to a resident of one of the rural 
 districts of Scotland. As the story goes, an old 
 man was sitting on the roof of his house during 
 a flood, watching the waters flow past, when a 
 neighbor, who possessed a boat, rowed across to 
 him. 
 
 30
 
 u Hello, Bill," he said. 
 
 " Hello, Sam," replied the other. 
 
 " All your fowls washed away this mornin', 
 Bill?" 
 
 " Yes, but the ducks can swim." 
 
 " Apple trees gone, too, eh? " 
 
 " Well, they said the crop would be a failure, 
 anyhow." 
 
 " I see the river's reached above your windows." 
 
 "That's all right, Sam! Them windows 
 needed washin' ! " 
 
 POETS, READ THIS 
 
 He was a poet, with long hair and all, and for 
 a time she was tickled to death at the novelty 
 of holding hands with him on the sofa. But 
 after a time she tried hints, but they went in one 
 poetic ear and out the other, like water off a 
 duck's back, and the night our story opens she 
 spoke right out. 
 
 " Algernonie," she said. " Sunday night 
 when you came around, you wrote a sonnet to 
 my left eyebrow, didn't you? " 
 
 " Yes, love, I did," he returned, putting one 
 hand on his bosom to keep it from swelling with 
 pride. 
 
 " Tuesday night, when you called," she con- 
 
 31
 
 ©eve's a Neto ©tie 
 
 tinued, " you composed a triolet to my nether 
 lip, didn't you? " 
 
 " Yes, love," he admitted, " I did." 
 
 " Wednesday night, during your call," she 
 pursued, " you dashed off a roundel to my 
 dimples, didn't you? " 
 
 " Yes, love," he smiled, " dashed off is good. 
 But there, there, don't mention it." 
 
 " And didn't it ever occur to you," she said 
 earnestly, " that a girl might sometimes wish 
 for something more substantial? " 
 
 " Darling, you are right ! " he cried. " This 
 very evening shall I write an ode in blank verse 
 to your entire face." 
 
 She walked sadly to the foot of the stairs. 
 
 " Father," she called regretfully, " put on 
 your storm shoes and come down." 
 
 THE SUFFRAGETTE 
 
 The female suffrage orator stood upon her 
 platform and looked over the sea of faces. 
 
 " Where would man be today were it not for 
 woman? " she inquired. She paused a moment. 
 
 "Again I repeat," she said, "where would 
 man be today were it not for woman? " 
 
 " In the Garden of Eden," answered a male 
 voice from the rear. 
 
 32
 
 BY WAY OF ENGLAND 
 
 Mr. Champ Clark has the happy knack of 
 being able to parry inconvenient interruptions 
 with some smart retort that immediately squashes 
 the opposition. He was speaking at a rather 
 noisy meeting not long ago, and after a short 
 time a big chunk of wood was thrown at him. 
 Fortunately, the aim was bad, and it fell harm- 
 lessly on the platform. 
 
 Mr. Clark picked it up and showed it to the 
 audience. 
 
 " Good heavens ! " he exclaimed in tones of 
 mock anxiety, " one of our opponents has lost 
 his head ! " 
 
 COURTESY 
 
 Being unable to find a seat on the overcrowded 
 train, a large woman went into the smoking 
 car and sat down by the door. 
 
 The man next to her, absorbed in his news- 
 paper, kept on smoking. 
 
 " I was foolish enough to suppose," said she, 
 glowering at him, " that some of the men in 
 here at least were gentlemen." 
 
 " Pardon me, madam," he answered politely, 
 offering her a cigar. 
 
 33
 
 Jijttz'ti a ISTcUj <S)ue 
 
 INGENUOUS 
 
 Marion came to the breakfast table late, and 
 was scanned by the reproachful eyes of her 
 mother. 
 
 " Did that young man kiss you last night, 
 Marion? " 
 
 " Now, mother," said the very pretty girl, with 
 a reminiscent smile, " do you suppose that he 
 came all the way from Blue Rock to hear me 
 sing? " 
 
 LIFE IS SO UNCERTAIN 
 
 A Jew owning a pawnshop had as a customer 
 one morning a young man who said he wanted 
 to buy a watch chain that would last him a life- 
 time. " Hef I got it? Shure I hef. Here is a grand 
 bargain; so hellup me, I vos going to keep it 
 for my son Ikey as a birthday present, but you're 
 a goot customer so I'll let you hef it." " But say 
 now, is that the goods, will it last a lifetime? " 
 " Shure, shure ; take my vird fer it, dot's a fine 
 bargain und it vill last a lifetime." He bought 
 the chain and took it home, but not having any 
 use for it immediately, he left it in the box. About 
 a week afterward he thought that he would 
 sport his new chain, so went to the box, and on 
 
 34
 
 ^m'8 a isrttu <diw 
 
 opening it found to his dismay the chain was 
 all tarnished and even green. Then there was 
 one angry young man. He couldn't get down to 
 the Jew quickly enough; ran all the way, burst 
 into his place with " Here you, what do you mean 
 by selling me a chain that you said would last 
 me a lifetime, and here not quite a week after 
 it was bought, I take it out of the box and it's 
 all tarnished? What have you got to say for your- 
 self? " " Veil, I tell you, young man, ven you 
 came in last vick to buy det chain, you set you 
 vanted vun det vould last a lifetime. Veil, so 
 hellup me, meester, ven you came in to me you 
 looked so sick I tought you vould last about 
 three days." 
 
 YOU CAN'T ALWAYS TELL 
 BY LOOKS 
 
 A Hebrew woman with a boy about ten climbed 
 into an electric car. When the conductor came 
 around for the fares, she handed him a nickel. 
 He stared at the boy for a while and said, " Isn't 
 that boy over five, madam? " " No, sare, no 
 sare, not a veek ofer." " Well, he certainly looks 
 it madam." " Veil, I tell you, meester, if you 
 had det boy's trubbles you vould look much 
 older too." 
 
 35
 
 ?y eve's a "Neto <&ue 
 
 A LARGE BUSINESS 
 
 A commercial traveler was bragging about 
 the magnitude of the firm he represented. 
 
 " I suppose your house is a pretty big estab- 
 lishment? " said the customer. 
 
 " Big? You can't have any idea of its dimen- 
 sions. Last week we took an inventory of the 
 employees, and found out for the first time that 
 three cashiers and four bookkeepers were miss- 
 ing. That will give you some idea of the magni- 
 tude of our business." 
 
 CRAFTY 
 
 First Englishman — " Why do you allow your 
 wife to be a militant suffragette? " 
 
 Second Englishman — " When she's busy 
 wrecking things outside we have comparative 
 peace at home." 
 
 CRUELTY? 
 
 A Jew walking along a dock happened to slip 
 and fall in; not being able to swim he started to 
 yell " Safe me, safe me, I cain't svim, I cain't 
 svim." An Irishman coming along at that mo- 
 ment, looked at the struggling Jew a second, and 
 then blurted, " Well, nayther can I, but I don't 
 go 'round braggin' about it." 
 
 36
 
 A NECESSARY RECEIPT 
 
 A French Canuck up before a judge was fined 
 ten dollars for drunkenness, drinking too much 
 split. He paid his fine but waited around the 
 court-room. At last the judge asked him what 
 he was waiting for. " I want a receipt for dat 
 ten dollar I just give you." " Why, we don't 
 give receipts. Get out." But still the Canuck 
 did not move. At last the judge, becoming a 
 little exasperated, said: " Say, what do you want 
 that receipt for anyway? " " Well, Meester 
 Jadge, I dell you. When I die I go to heaven 
 like det, den St. Peter he cam out and say who 
 is dis? Den I say, why, Joe Patour, and he say, 
 now, Joe, did you pay all your bills when you 
 were on airth? Dere, what I got to do den, 
 chase all over hell for you? " 
 
 SLIGHTLY MISTAKEN 
 
 A very rich American went to London and 
 met an Englishman, who — strangely enough — 
 liked him, and asked him to his house. 
 
 The Englishman was a great collector of 
 antiques, curiosities, etc., and showed the Ameri- 
 can, among other things, a table and a chair, 
 and, pointing to them, said: "That table and 
 that chair once belonged to Milton." 
 
 37
 
 " Really! " said the American, kneeling down 
 and reverently kissing both table and chair. 
 
 " And," continued the Englishman, " that 
 table was the very one on which that immortal 
 classic, ' Paradise Lost,' was written." 
 
 " What was written? " questioned the guest. 
 
 11 • Paradise Lost,' " was the reply. 
 
 " Who wrote it? " 
 
 " Milton," replied the host. 
 
 " Who did you say owned that table? " 
 
 " Milton," again answered the host. 
 
 " Gosh! " ejaculated the rich one, in a tone of 
 disgust. " I thought you said Lipton." 
 
 STRICTLY BUSINESS 
 
 A Hebrew in a small Southern town, in the 
 undertaking business, sat on his stool waiting 
 for customers when in walked an Irishwoman with 
 a little girl of about ten. " Have ye any boxes? 
 Me ould mon shlipped away lasht noight and 
 I want to buy one." " Hev we got dem, madam? 
 shure, shure ve hev dem; here is a nice vun for 
 hunderd feefty, here's a nice vun for de hunderd, 
 here's vun for feefty, and here's vun for tventy- 
 five, und say, lady, if you take vun for hunderd or 
 hunderd feefty I trow in vun for your baby for 
 nuttink." 
 
 38
 
 THE RICH HAVE THEIR TROUBLES 
 
 " Say, Moritz, vot's it de use a man should 
 be rich? Only from troubles! When I was a 
 poor feller, heppy mit de wife, who was lovink 
 mit me, and de little children also was heppy, 
 and we didn't put it on no airs mit de neighbors 
 and we didn't gif it a tarn for somebody. Now it's 
 all over a difference. Now I was from two years 
 president of de matzoth trust, and I gotchmer an 
 inventshun vot make a fine matzoths and costs you 
 no more, and every person says it a good mornink 
 on de street. De vife makes me I shall move 
 from away de Goldshmit Court, where it ain't 
 so stylish, to live in a house mit from eight 
 families togedder, and I go out to a place what 
 is called Evrutt. Oi, dot's it a town! All over 
 from trolley cars and mit each house a gress 
 around it, and say, Moritz, there ain't more den 
 tervelf hundred yeeden — or less. Fine ! and 
 de neighbors from away Goldshmit Court sticks 
 up de nose and makes it faces on de street und 
 says he's got it a little money und he tinks he's 
 toney. De vife buys it curtains on de door, — 
 lace? rags! for a hoondred dollars, rags! My 
 daughter Rachel what is 18, must go to de priwt 
 schul, and mine son Abey, is it to go avay from 
 
 39
 
 Halfdad Scullege, dot's it, Abey should go to 
 Halfdad Scullege. My vife every Shabbes must 
 go mit de daughter to de teater, and makes to 
 call Rachel by a mishugar name Rochelie, and my 
 son Abeyke, I shall call him A. Horatio Goldberg. 
 Det's it a name for a Jew — A. Horatio Gold- 
 berg ! And eveiy Sattuday night comes home de 
 vife from de teater mit a picture from a ektor — 
 Mr. Poicy Levender — he's it a star. Say he's a 
 rutten ektor. De vife sticks de picture on de 
 table und every five minutes gifs it a look und 
 says " Ain't he handsome, Rochelie? " und I hef 
 to pay for dets. But I tell you, Moritz, it's a 
 fine house I got it dere — why don't you come 
 oud met de vife for a meals on Shabbes? Carpets 
 all over velvut, mit silk coitins, indecent lights, 
 two kinds of hot water, hot and cold running 
 staircases, hut and cold janity service, station 
 house tubs, und big marbles tub in de room for 
 de coal. Only de vife von't keep de coal here, 
 she keeps de curtains in it. My daughter Rachel 
 she must take it a peeano lessans from a crazy 
 guy mit hair like a lady. — Two doulers a hoor, 
 peeano lessons. Oi Vay! She sits dere two 
 doulers a hoor, and she learns it how she shall 
 sing, my Got, a voice like a clem. "Do — ray — 
 me!— far — see — par's — roll — go." All de 
 
 40
 
 Ji$ttt f 8 a tltfeto (Due 
 
 time nothing else. Und dot boy from mine, dot's 
 A. Horatio Goldberg, I shall go to de scullege 
 to see him be it a feetballs player. Mine Got. 
 Sits 15 houndred peupel, 15 houndred at least 
 a tuzend! und on de gras is 22 fellers from 
 scullege dressed like crazy. Und is a ball from 
 pigs' feet they hef got und all at once they all 
 begin to auchsun off de ball. Some one says 
 21 — 22 — 23. Abey must hef bid 24, because 
 all at once he got de ball, und den efery one of 
 dose 22 loafers dey yump on Abey. It's offal, 
 vhen dey get up here is Abey on the ground und 
 he can't move from limps. Und spits phlams 
 from blood. Oi, den some mushugarmer goy be- 
 hind he yells hooray for Goldberg, he gained it 
 a yard. He gained it a yard — He lost it a 
 foot, you dem fool." 
 
 THE MISS UNDERSTANDING 
 
 A Drama in One Dram 
 
 Scene, interior clothing store. Frosh — Let's 
 see your new underwear. 
 
 Lady clerk (blushes) — Sir! (Recovering self- 
 composure.) Knit? 
 
 Frosh — Why not? 
 
 (Quick curtain. Gallery goes wild.) 
 
 41
 
 Jgm'0 a "Neto <£ue 
 
 RECRUITS 
 
 Jigson — " Hear you have had an addition 
 to your family." 
 
 Nugson — " Yes, two." 
 
 Jigson — " Twins? " 
 
 Nugson — "No — a baby boy and my wife's 
 mother." 
 
 ECONOMY 
 
 A Jew got into a train fifteen minutes before 
 train time and immediately put his ticket in his 
 mouth, and kept it there until the conductor 
 came along and took it out, all the time pretend- 
 ing to be asleep. After the conductor took the 
 ticket he " woke up." A friend of the same 
 faith happened to notice all this and his inquisi- 
 tiveness getting the better of him, he went over 
 and said: " Say, Mr. Cohen, vot fer a bizness 
 iss dis, keeping det ticket in de mout all de 
 time? " " Sh, sh, say nuttink, but it vas an olt 
 excursion ticket, und I vas licking off de date." 
 
 EXPERIENCED 
 
 Employer — " Do you know the duties of an 
 office boy? " 
 
 Office Boy — "Yes, sir; wake up the book- 
 keeper when I hear the boss coming." 
 
 42
 
 CHARITY UP TO DATE 
 
 " Say, Louis, dey tell me you vas a charity 
 man. You nefer did any charity in your life; 
 vy, you nefer gafe a cent to anypody." " Iss it so? 
 Veil, you listen to dis. Yesterday I vas standing 
 it in front of Keith's Teater, ven a lady mit a 
 leetle baby came by, and dey vere both crying. 
 I say to the lady, ' Vat's de matter, madam? 
 What are you and de baby crying apout? ' 'Veil, 
 sir,' said the woman, ' my little baby is sick, and 
 I have no money for the doctor.' ' Veil, veil, 
 dot's it alright! Here is fife tollars. You take 
 det and go to de doctor mit de baby; he vill 
 charge you two tollars and I vill vait here for de 
 change.' Veil, in a little vhile she comes it 
 back and gifes me three tollars und lots of 
 thanks. Veil, she is heppy, for she hed for de 
 baby a doctor; de baby is heppy, for she feels 
 better; and de doctor he is also heppy, for he 
 has had a patient. And I? Veil, I am heppy, too, 
 for de fife tollar bill vas a counterfeit." 
 
 HEAVEN BELOW 
 
 Suitor — "I have no bad habits. I don't 
 smoke or drink." 
 
 Father — " Neither has my daughter. She 
 doesn't play or sing." 
 
 43
 
 AN UNWRITTEN LAW 
 
 An Irishman and a Jew were having it out in 
 court, and the case was going against the Jew. 
 He was very much worried, and conferring with 
 his lawyer said, " Say, Mr. Norton, dis case 
 looks it bad for me, hey? " " Yes," answered 
 the lawyer, "lam afraid we are going to lose." 
 " Listen a minute ; supposing I shall take it a 
 box cigars and send it to de judge, don't you 
 tink it shall help some mit de case? " " What 
 are you talking about? You must be insane, 
 intimidating the court; why, man alive, you would 
 fare even worse." " Oh, all right, all right, dot 
 vas just someting I had in my mind." The case 
 came up and the Jew won. His lawyer immedi- 
 ately took him by the hand and congratulated him. 
 " There, you see one can never tell; we won our 
 case." " Vat, ve von it? No, sare, I von it." 
 " What do you mean? I won it." This very an- 
 grily. " Shure I von de case. I send it de judge a 
 box cigars, and put Mr. Casey's name on it." 
 
 MUNCHAUSEN, JR. 
 
 'Arold — " Who giv' yer yer black eye? " 
 Jimmie — "No one. I was lookm' thro* a 
 
 knot-hole in the fence at a football match, an* 
 
 got it sunburnt." 
 
 44
 
 SOLVED LIVING COST 
 
 * I understand your husband is a man of 
 great abilities." 
 
 " He certainly is. He beat up four bill col- 
 lectors yesterday so they can't come back for 
 six months." 
 
 FRATERNAL 
 
 Jenkins, a newly wedded suburbanite, kissed 
 his wife good-by the other morning, and, telling 
 her he would be home at 6, got into his auto and 
 started for town. 
 
 At 6 p. m. no hubby had appeared and the 
 little wife began to get nervous. When the hour 
 of midnight arrived she aroused her father and 
 sent him off to the telegraph office with six tele- 
 grams to as many brother Elks living in town, 
 asking each if her husband was stopping with 
 him overnight. 
 
 As dawn appeared, a farm wagon containing 
 a farmer and the derelict husband drove up to 
 the house, while behind the wagon trailed the 
 broken-down auto. Almost simultaneously came 
 a messenger boy with an answer to one of the 
 telegrams, followed at intervals by five others. 
 All of them read: 
 
 " Yes, John is spending the night with me." 
 
 45
 
 INGENUITY 
 
 A Hebrew who had collected insurance for 
 six different fires had put up another new store 
 and immediately made a call on the agent of 
 the insurance company to take out some more 
 on his new venture. But this would not work so 
 easily. The agent said, " No, Mr. Levin, you 
 cannot have any more insurance. You are too 
 great a risk. Why, you have had six fires al- 
 ready." 
 
 " Oh, det it iss alright; so hellup me I von't 
 have another fire, no sare, not another fire; det 
 vas de last vun. Only gif me my insurance." 
 Well, they argued pro and con for an hour, and 
 at last the agent said, " Well, Levin, I will tell 
 you what I'll do with you. If you will allow me 
 to put hand-grenades all over your store, I'll 
 take another chance." " Hand-grenades? " 
 spoke up Levin. " Vy, Meester Agent, you can 
 put in hook and ladder companies, fire engines, 
 hose carts, anyting, only gif it me my insurance." 
 When the time came for him to open his store, 
 hanging on the ceiling and on the walls were 
 about two hundred hand-grenades. Levin was 
 sitting in his store, the opening day, when a 
 friend of his came in. " Hello, Levin, you hef 
 a grandt place here, isn't it, fine and dendy; 
 
 46
 
 ©m>8 a Ntto <£ue 
 
 but say, vat is all dose colored bottles alround 
 der ceiling und der vails? Decorations? " " Oh, 
 no, no," said Levin; " my insurance agent vud 
 not gif it me my insurance papers unless I put 
 dose tings up dere." " Vy, you don't say it; und 
 vat vas in dem, Levin? " " Vot vas in dem I 
 shall not know it, but dere is kerosene oil in 
 dem now." 
 
 A DELICATE HINT 
 
 A jarvey was driving with an English visitor on 
 a bitterly cold day in December through the wilds 
 of Connemara. They became quite sociable on 
 the way, and the native, in a burst of confidence, 
 pointed out a shebeen where the " best potheen 
 in Connaught " might be obtained. The English- 
 man, only too glad to get an opportunity of warm- 
 ing himself, offered refreshment, which offer 
 was readily accepted. 
 
 " 'Tis a very cold day in these parts, Pat," ob- 
 served the tourist. 
 
 " 'Tis, yer honor," replied Pat. He raised his 
 glass, and the contents speedily vanished. " And 
 there's truth in the old sayin'," he suggestively 
 added, smacking his lips, " one swallow never 
 made a summer." 
 
 47
 
 Vltvt't* a KeUi (Due 
 
 WHAT HE WAS DOING 
 
 That it is sometimes mighty easy to get the 
 truth if we ask for it was demonstrated the other 
 evening by a story told by George Otis Smith, 
 director of the Geological Survey at Washington. 
 
 One afternoon a philanthropic party visited a 
 public school in the poorer section of a big city, 
 and, while making a study of the conditions in 
 the knowledge factory, thought it proper to ask 
 the youngsters a few questions. 
 
 " Can any little boy or girl tell me," said he 
 very impressively, " what is the greatest of all 
 the virtues? " 
 
 Nothing doing. Every bright little face looked 
 as if the mind back of it was doing a hard piece 
 of thinking, but there was no reply. 
 
 " We will try it again," encouragingly said the 
 philanthropist. " What am I doing when I give 
 up my time and pleasure to come and talk to 
 you in your school? " 
 
 " I know now, mister ! " exclaimed Johnny 
 Smith, raising his hand and snapping his fingers. 
 
 "Well, what am I doing, little man?" smi- 
 lingly asked the visitor. 
 
 "Buttin' in!" was the startling rejoinder of 
 Johnny. 
 
 48
 
 THE DISADVANTAGES OF AN 
 EDUCATION 
 
 The advantages of education are so numerous 
 and so evident that they do not have to be proved. 
 Occasionally, however, there are disadvantages as 
 well. 
 
 The daughter had just returned from finishing 
 school. 
 
 " That air," remarked her father, as they were 
 sitting together in the dining-room. 
 
 11 Father, dear," interrupted the girl, " it's 
 vulgar to say ' that air.' You should say, ' That 
 something there,' or preferably, just ' that.' " 
 
 " Well, this ear — " commenced her father. 
 
 " No," his daughter interrupted again. " That's 
 just as vulgar. You must avoid such expressions 
 as ■ This 'ere — ' " 
 
 " Look here, my girl," said her father, " I'm 
 going to say exactly what I mean. That air is bad 
 for this ear of mine, and I'm going to shut the 
 window." 
 
 OH, ANSWER THE CHILD 
 
 "Pa, was Job a doctor? " 
 " Not that I know of." 
 
 " Then why do people have so much to say 
 about the patients of Job? " 
 
 49
 
 lucre's a TSfcU) <&nc 
 
 HIS BUSINESS 
 
 11 You insist that the officer arrested you while 
 you were quietly attending to your own busi- 
 ness? " 
 
 " Yes, your honor. He caught me suddenly by 
 the collar, and threatened to strike me with his 
 club unless I accompanied him to the station 
 house." 
 
 " You say you were quietly attending to your 
 own business, making no noise or commotion of 
 any kind? " 
 
 " Yes, your honor." 
 
 " What is your business? " 
 
 " I'm a burglar." 
 
 AN ANNOYING SPEED LIMIT 
 
 An old man nearly eighty years old walked ten 
 miles from his home to an adjoining town. When 
 he reached his destination, he was greeted with 
 some astonishment by an acquaintance. 
 
 " You walked all the way ! " the latter ex- 
 claimed. " How did you get along? " 
 
 " Oh, first rate ! " the old man replied, genially. 
 " That is, I did till I came to that sign out there, 
 1 Slow down to fifteen miles an hour.' That 
 kept me back some." 
 
 50
 
 AT REST AT LAST 
 
 In a recent long-drawn trial in New York the 
 defense introduced a miner as a witness and 
 went into a detailed inquiry as to his exact where- 
 abouts for the past ten years. It was most weari- 
 some. For a day and a half the lawyers asked 
 this man to tell his wanderings year by year. 
 Finally they got down to 191 1 and asked him: 
 
 " What did you do on May 16, 191 1? " 
 
 " I went to Cobalt." 
 
 " How long did you remain there? " 
 
 " I have been there ever since." 
 
 Juror Number Nine rose in his place and said 
 fervently : 
 
 "Thank God!" 
 
 AN EMERGENCY 
 
 When a certain darky of Mobile, Ala., an- 
 nounced his engagement to the dusky one of his 
 choice, the congratulations that were showered 
 upon him included a note of wonder. 
 
 " Joe," said one of these friends, " I shore is 
 surprized ! We-all never thought you'd speak up. 
 It's going on two years sence you begun to fool 
 around Miss Violet." 
 
 "Dat's true," said Joe; "but de fact is, old 
 man, I didn't lose my job until last night."
 
 |$m'0 a Neto (Due 
 
 LOVE'S YOUNG DREAM 
 
 The newly married young woman rushed into 
 her father's presence and threw herself on her 
 knees before him. 
 
 " Oh, papa! " she sobbed. " I have come for 
 your forgiveness and blessing! It was wrong 
 and undutiful of me, but I loved Richard so that 
 I just had to elope with him. But I couldn't be 
 happy till I had been reconciled with you, so here 
 I am at your feet." 
 
 " Well, well," growled the old man, much af- 
 fected in spite of himself, " I suppose I'll have to. 
 But you are alone ! Where is — er — Richard? " 
 
 " He's just outside, papa, dear, with the cab- 
 man. And now that you have forgiven us, please 
 lend us enough to pay the horrid brute, so that 
 he'll go away. You see, we had only enough 
 money for the license and the minister." 
 
 AN EXPERIENCE 
 
 A very young wife, in a strange hotel, trying to 
 find her husband, and thinking he was taking a 
 bath, knocked on the bathroom door and said: 
 " Honey, are you there? " 
 And a strange masculine voice replied : 
 " Madam, this is not a bee hive, it's a bath- 
 room ! " 
 
 52
 
 J&tvt'u a Ncto (Due 
 
 ON THE WRONG CAR 
 
 Rastus was in New York for the first time, and 
 wanted to go to the Polo Grounds to see a ball 
 game. Getting on one car, he paid his nickel, 
 rode half an hour, then, getting impatient, asked 
 the conductor where he was going. Upon learn- 
 ing from that dignitary that he was on the wrong 
 car and well over in Brooklyn, off he jumped, and 
 took another car, which he was told would take 
 him to the game. This time he landed at the 
 Battery, very excited at his hard luck. The 
 third time he caught a car, sat down, wiped 
 the perspiration from his face, and began to cuss 
 as only a full-born nigger can. A preacher sitting 
 next to him heard him, looked over and said: 
 
 " Why, don't you know you're going straight 
 to hell? " 
 
 Up jumped Rastus, made one dive for the door, 
 stopping only long enough to shout to the preacher : 
 " Fo' de Lawd's sake, massa, I is on de wrong car 
 again! " 
 
 IMPORTANT 
 
 Wife (on an auto tour) — " That fellow back 
 there said there is a roadhouse a few miles down 
 the road. Shall we stop there? " 
 
 Husband — " Did he whisper it or say it out 
 loud? " 
 
 53
 
 WANTED TO KNOW 
 
 A little slum child was enjoying his first glimpse 
 of pastoral life. 
 
 The setting sun was gilding the grass and 
 roses of the old-fashioned garden, and on a little 
 stool he sat beside the farmer's wife, who was 
 plucking a chicken. 
 
 He watched the operation gravely for some 
 time. Then he spoke: 
 
 " Do yer take off their clothes every night, 
 lady?" ' 
 
 WITH APOLOGIES TO MARY 
 
 Mary had a little cat, 
 
 'Twas white and black and yellow, 
 And pretty Mary loved it so 
 
 She never had a fellow. 
 
 Mary had a Thomas cat, 
 
 It warbled like Caruso; 
 A neighbor swung a baseball bat. 
 
 Now Thomas doesn't do so. 
 
 YOUR DEAL 
 
 " Wot was that last card Oi dealt ye, Moike? " 
 " A shpade." 
 
 " Oi knew it! Oi saw ye spit on yer hands be- 
 fore you picked it up." 
 
 54
 
 fere's a Neto ©ne 
 
 SUBTRACTION 
 
 The teacher was hearing the youthful class in 
 mathematics. 
 
 " No," she said, " in order to subtract, things 
 have to be in the same denomination. For in- 
 stance, we couldn't take three pears from four 
 peaches, nor eight horses from ten cats. Do you 
 understand? " 
 
 There was assent from the majority of pupils. 
 One little boy in the rear raised a timid hand. 
 
 11 Well, Bobby, what is it? " asked teacher. 
 
 " Please, teacher," said Bobby, " couldn't you 
 take three quarts of milk from two cows? " 
 
 LITERARY INSTINCTS 
 
 As Jones wended his uncertain way homeward, 
 he pondered ways of concealing his condition 
 from his wife. 
 
 " I'll go home and read," he decided. " Who 
 ever heard of a drunken man reading a book? " 
 
 Later Mrs. Jones heard a noise in the library. 
 " What in the world are you doing in there? " 
 she asked. 
 
 " Reading, my dear," Jones replied cheerfully. 
 
 "You old idiot!" she said scornfully, as she 
 looked in at the library door, " shut up that valise 
 and come to bed." 
 
 55
 
 SHE KNEW WHY 
 
 An old Scotch lady was told that her minister 
 used notes. She disbelieved it. Said one, " Go 
 into the gallery and see." 
 
 She did so and saw the written sermon. After 
 the luckless preacher had concluded his reading 
 on the last page, he said, " But I will not en- 
 large." 
 
 The old woman cried out from her lofty position, 
 " Ye canna, ye canna, for your paper's give oot! " 
 
 BUSINESS HEAD 
 
 " Open the window, waiter; I am roasting," a 
 customer exclaimed who had just dined at a 
 Paris restaurant. 
 
 " Shut it up, waiter; I am frozen," protested 
 a man who had just sat down. 
 
 The waiter hesitated. The proprietor settled 
 the dispute at once. 
 
 " Obey the customer who has not yet dined," 
 he said. 
 
 A MAKESHIFT 
 
 " Look here, Mose ; I thought you were going 
 to be baptized into the Baptist Church? " 
 
 "Yaas, sah, I was. But Fs bein' sprinkled 
 into de 'Piscopal till de summer comes." 
 
 56
 
 IQtxz'u a jtfeto (Due 
 
 THAT'S THE QUESTION 
 
 " Here is a story of a Chicago woman who says 
 that present marriage laws make woman the 
 slave of man," said the square-jawed matron as 
 she looked up from the newspaper. 
 
 " Why don't they enforce the law, then ? " 
 meekly asked Mr. Henpe.cke. 
 
 v 
 
 WANTED TO SWAP 
 
 Two Kansas city lawyers, whose names are 
 withheld for obvious reasons, declare that they 
 were present when the following incident oc- 
 curred: 
 
 Uncle Mose was a chronic thief who usually 
 managed to keep within the petty larceny limit. 
 One time he miscalculated, however, and was 
 sent to trial on a charge of grand larceny. 
 
 " Have you a lawyer, Mose? " asked the 
 court. 
 
 " No, sah." 
 
 " Well, to be perfectly fair, I'll appoint a couple. 
 Mr. Jones and Mr. Brown will act as counsel." 
 
 " What's dat? " 
 
 11 Act as your lawyers — consult with them and 
 prepare to tell me whether you are guilty or not 
 guilty." 
 
 " Yas, sah." 
 
 57
 
 here's a Ncto (5>ur 
 
 Mose talked to his attorneys for a few moments 
 in husky whispers. The judge caught only the 
 word alibi, several times repeated. Then Mose 
 arose, scratched his head, and addressed the 
 court: 
 
 " Jedge, yoh Honah," he said. " Cou'se Ah's 
 only an ign'ant niggah, an' Ah don' want toh 
 bothah yoh Honah, but Ah would suttinly like toh 
 trade, yoh Honah, one ob dese yeah lawyers foh 
 a witness." 
 
 FLY IN THE OINTMENT 
 
 Two Glasgow women, meeting one day, fell into 
 conversation, and the one said to the other: 
 
 "Aye, Mrs. McTavish, an' so Jeanie's got 
 marriet!" 
 
 " She has that, Mrs. McAlpine." 
 
 " An' how's she getting on? " 
 
 11 Oh, no sae bad at a'. There's only one thing 
 the matter. She carina bide her man! But, then, 
 there's aye something." 
 
 BRIGHT, OR LAZY 
 
 " Johnny, I don't believe you've studied your 
 geography." 
 
 "No, mum; I heard pa say the map of the 
 world was changing every day an* I thought I'd 
 wait a few years, till things got settled." 
 
 58
 
 ALL ABOARD 
 
 The Ark was manned and well equipped 
 
 And waiting for the tide ; 
 You'd Noah most peculiar crowd 
 
 Of creatures were inside. 
 The social lion had his place, 
 
 The deadly boar was there, 
 The rat was very plainly seen 
 
 Beneath the little hare. 
 The golf lynx and the legal seal 
 
 Stood by the hobby horse; 
 The end-seat hog was blocking up 
 
 The passageway, of course. 
 The German stag, the Irish bull, 
 
 Also the Latin shark, 
 The sad bird and the gay bird, 
 
 The lobster on a lark, 
 The scapegoat and the bookworm, 
 
 The rabbit a la Wales, 
 The fire dogs and the night hawk 
 
 Were hauling up the sails. 
 
 SETTING HER RJGHT 
 
 Angry Purchaser — Didn't you tell me that 
 you had got as many as twelve eggs in one day 
 from those eight hens you sold me? 
 
 Poultry Raiser — Yes, ma'am. 
 
 59
 
 Angry Purchaser — Then why is it that I'm 
 never able to get more than two eggs from them, 
 and sometimes not so many in one day? 
 
 Poultry Raiser — I don't know, ma'am, un- 
 less it's because you look for eggs too often. 
 Now, if you look for them only once a week, I 
 feel quite positive that you will get just as many 
 eggs in one day as I did. 
 
 HELPING HIM OUT 
 
 Mr. Dippy — I wish to do something to show 
 my regard for your sister, but I can't think of 
 what she might like the best, so I thought I'd ask 
 you to help me out. 
 
 Miss Snippy — Well, if you want to do some- 
 thing that will please her more than anything 
 else, you might stop hanging around here six 
 nights a week and give some other fellow a 
 chance. 
 
 THE PACE THAT KILLS 
 
 A youth of fifteen whose father was occasion- 
 ally given to the use of profanity in his home, con- 
 tracted the same habit, much to the disturbance 
 of both his parents. 
 
 60
 
 1%tKt f % a Heto ©tie 
 
 His mother, concluding that something must 
 be done to prevent it becoming an established 
 habit, made a rule that after a certain date, a 
 fine of two cents should be paid her for every 
 profane word used. Owing, however, to the fact 
 that all the family were good Universalists, a com- 
 promise was reached on the words " devil " and 
 " hell," the fine for these being placed at one cent. 
 
 The first night's settlement found the father 
 owing two cents and the son five cents, but no- 
 body had any pennies. The son refused to pay 
 his part unless his father paid also. Finally, 
 when all hope of an adjustment had passed, the 
 son spoke up. " Say, Dad, be a sport. Go to it; 
 make it even five cents — you can get two damns 
 and a hell for a nickel." 
 
 THE PROVIDENT DARKY 
 
 " The darky," says a Southern congressman, 
 " although proverbially improvident, sometimes 
 has his weather-eye open. 
 
 " In Mobile, one day, I gave a quarter to a 
 colored youth, who had done me some trifling 
 service. The coin was handed back to me. ' Ex- 
 cuse me, boss,' said the negro; ' yo' knows I 
 don't want no pay f o' what I does fo' yo'. Yo' jes' 
 gimme dat ole suit of clothes yo' has on.' " 
 
 61
 
 A POOR PROVIDER 
 
 The daughter of the family had received a pro- 
 posal of marriage, and the momentous subject 
 was being discussed at the breakfast table the 
 next morning. 
 
 " Say, dad," spoke up Freddie, " I don't be- 
 lieve sister's feller will make a good husband." 
 
 " What makes you think so, my boy? " asked 
 his father, with a smile. 
 
 "Why," returned Freddie, "he's been com- 
 ing here for over a year, and in all that time he's 
 given me only seventeen cents." 
 
 TONSORIAL ART 
 
 Barber — Poor Jim has been sent to a lunatic 
 asylum. 
 
 Victim (in chair) — Who's Jim? 
 
 " Jim is my twin brother, sir. Jim has long 
 been broodin' over the hard times, an* I suppose 
 he finally got crazy." 
 
 " Is that so? " 
 
 " Yes, he and me has worked side by side for 
 years, and we were so alike we couldn't tell each 
 other apart. We both brooded a great deal, too. 
 No money in this business now." 
 
 " What's the reason? " 
 
 62
 
 " Prices too low. Unless a customer takes a 
 shampoo, it doesn't pay to shave or hair-cut. 
 Poor Jim, I caught him trying to cut a customer's 
 throat because he refused a shampoo, so I had 
 to have the poor fellow locked up. Makes me 
 sad. Sometimes I feel sorry I didn't let him slash 
 all he wanted to. It might have saved his reason. 
 Shampoo, sir? " 
 
 "Yes!" 
 
 A DARK PLOT 
 
 Members of a certain club in New York tell of 
 a conversation that was heard to occur between 
 two members just before Christmas. 
 
 " Sam," said one, " I understand from my 
 wife that you and Mrs. Blank are to call upon us 
 to-night." 
 
 " I believe some such arrangement has been 
 made," said the other member. 
 
 Whereupon the first member knit his brows in 
 deep reflection and fidgeted nervously in his chair. 
 
 " Sam," said he finally, "lam going to ask a 
 favor of you. Please do not let your wife wear 
 her new sables. The fact is, that at this particu- 
 lar time, I don't want my wife to see them." 
 
 " Why, Dick," smiled the other member, " that 
 was what we were coming for." 
 
 63
 
 A FINE JOKE 
 
 Stopping the sporty student, who was having 
 a hot time scorching over the speedway with a 
 fast bunch, the country constable brought him 
 before the judge. 
 
 " Hm-m! " growled the justice. "You were 
 here yesterday, and it cost you ten. College stu- 
 dent, aren't you? " 
 
 " Yes, your honor. I have had three years of 
 culture." 
 
 " And, therefore, you should be refined." 
 
 " I am," said the defendant, as hopes of es- 
 caping with his pocketbook uninjured arose. 
 
 " You are ! " retorted the judge. " Fifty dol- 
 lars!" 
 
 FATAL ADMISSION 
 
 A man who had been troubled with bronchitis 
 for a long time, called on a rather noted doctor. 
 After a few questions, the doctor told him he had 
 a very common ailment that would readily yield 
 to treatment. 
 
 " You're so sure you can cure my bronchitis," 
 said the man, " you must have had great experi- 
 ence with it." 
 
 "Why, my dear sir," confided the doctor, 
 " I've had it myself for over twenty years! " 
 
 64
 
 A MISUNDERSTANDING 
 
 Indignant customer (pushing his way into 
 tailor shop and throwing down a package) — 
 Say, you, give me back my money! These new 
 trousers have a patch in the rear! 
 
 Agitated tailor — Why, sir, I thought you 
 wanted them to have a patch in the rear. You 
 told me to include the latest novelty. That patch 
 is made of a material that you can light safety 
 matches on. 
 
 WHAT HE WAS 
 
 Miss Chatterson — I hear you've been opera- 
 ting in the stock market. Were you a bull or 
 a bear? 
 
 Mr. Smatterson — Neither. I was the goat. 
 
 EASY 
 
 " Have any trouble naming the baby? " 
 " Not at all. We've only one rich relative of 
 her sex." 
 
 SIMILAR 
 
 Bacon — Huxley said that an oyster is as com- 
 plicated as a watch. 
 
 Egbert — Well, I know both of them run down 
 easily. 
 
 65
 
 fi)tvt f ti a KtUi <&w 
 
 AWFUL BLUNDER 
 
 A nice but not especially clever young man 
 went to a little evening party in the East End last 
 week — so the story goes. 
 
 This young man was introduced to several 
 pretty girls, but he showed a distinct preference 
 for a certain one of these, and her he led to sup- 
 per and distinguished among all others by his 
 favors. Finally he got her into a corner and stam- 
 mered forth his admiration, thus: 
 
 "I like you a lot!" 
 
 " Why do you like me? " 
 
 " You're the only college girl I ever liked." 
 
 " But why am I? " 
 
 " Aw — all the other college girls seem to 
 know so much ! " 
 
 EDGAR KNEW THEM 
 
 The teacher was hearing her class of small 
 boys in mathematics. 
 
 " Edgar," she said, " if your father can do a 
 piece of work in seven days, and your Uncle Will- 
 iam can do it in nine days, how long would it take 
 both of them to do it? " 
 
 " They would never get done," answered the 
 boy, earnestly. " They would sit down and tell 
 fish stories." 
 
 66
 
 fere's a Neto <£ue 
 
 AN IRISH GUIDE 
 
 The Cork driver had a brother in Dublin who 
 got a chance (and took it) of explaining the sights 
 of the town to a " stranger." The stranger was 
 an Englishman, and as the car was passing the 
 post-office, he said to the jarvey: " This is a very 
 fine building." 
 
 " Och, sor," said he, with a truly Irish bull, 
 " but ye should see the front. This is the back 
 — the front's behind." 
 
 " Then, what are those figures on the roof? " 
 asked the Englishman. 
 
 " These, sor," replied the Jehu, " are the twelve 
 apostles." 
 
 "The twelve apostles!" repeated the tourist; 
 " there are only three." 
 
 " Ach, sure," said Pat in a tone that indicated 
 anything was good enough for an Englishman; 
 " the rest are inside sortin' the letters, sor." 
 
 SOMETIMES LESS 
 
 " Twice did Smith refuse to take a drink on 
 conscientious grounds." 
 
 " Then the third time he should have felt jus- 
 tified in taking one." 
 
 " Why so? " 
 
 " Because three scruples make one dram." 
 
 G7
 
 SICK OF LOVE 
 
 A Washington woman has in her employ as 
 butler a colored man of a pompous and satisfied 
 mien, who not long ago permitted a damsel, long 
 his ardent admirer, to become his spouse. 
 
 One day when the mistress of the house had 
 occasion to temporarily avail herself of the serv- 
 ices of the butler's wife, it was observed that 
 whenever the duties of the two brought them 
 in conjunction the bride's eyes would shine with 
 extraordinary devotion. 
 
 " Your wife seems wonderfully attached to you, 
 Thomas," casually observed the mistress of the 
 house. 
 
 "Yes, ma'am," answered Thomas, compla- 
 cently. " Ain't it jest sickenin' ? " 
 
 CAREFUL 
 
 An Irish politician had just returned from a trip 
 abroad. A friend met him and inquired : 
 
 " Did you have a fine time, Mike? " 
 
 " Of course I did." 
 
 " Did you visit the theatres in Paris? " 
 
 " Sure, I was in all of 'em." 
 
 "Well, tell me, Mike, and did ye see any 
 pommes de terre? " 
 
 " No. I had the wife with me all the time." 
 
 68
 
 ADVISING THE COURT 
 
 A colored man was brought before a police 
 judge charged with stealing chickens. He 
 pleaded guilty and received sentence, when the 
 judge asked him how it was he managed to lift 
 those chickens right under the window of the 
 owner's house, when there was a dog in the yard. 
 
 " Hit wouldn't be of no use, judge," said the 
 man, "to try to 'splane dis ting to you all. Ef 
 you was to try it, you like as not would get yer 
 hide full o' shot an' git no chickens, nuther. Ef 
 you want to engage in any rascality, judge, yo' 
 bettah stick to de bench, whar yo' am familiar." 
 
 NO LICENSE NECESSARY 
 
 The defendant, who was held on the charge of 
 keeping a dog without a license, repeatedly tried 
 to interrupt the evidence, but was hushed each 
 time by the court. Finally, the clerk turned to 
 him: 
 
 " Do you wish the court to understand that 
 you refuse to renew your dog license? " 
 
 "Yes, but — " 
 
 " We want no * buts.* You must renew your 
 license or be fined. You know it expired on Janu- 
 ary i." 
 
 " Yes, but so do the dog." 
 
 CO
 
 THE NUT CRACKER 
 
 Mrs. Cooke had a new servant, and after the 
 first cake was baked the mistress went to the 
 kitchen. 
 
 " Delia," said Mrs. Cooke, " your cake was 
 very good, but there were not enough nuts in it. 
 When you make another, please remember I like 
 plenty of nuts in the cake." 
 
 " Well, mum," replied the girl, " the reason 
 I didn't put more in was because I couldn't crack 
 any more to-day. Indeed, mum, an' my jaw 
 hurts yet from them I did crack." 
 
 SIBILANT PRAISE 
 
 One of the ushers approached a man who ap- 
 peared to be annoying those about him. 
 
 " Don't you like the show? " 
 
 "Yes, indeed!" 
 
 " Then why do you persist in hissing the per- 
 formers? " 
 
 "Why, m-man alive, I w-was-n't h-hissing! 
 I w-was s-s-simply s-s-s-saying to S-s-s-sammie 
 that the s-s-s-singing is s-s-s-superb.' 
 
 » 
 
 Half the world don't know how their better 
 halves live, and if they are wise, won't try to find 
 out. 
 
 70
 
 SPARRING FOR TIME 
 
 " Will you be my wife? " begged the infatuated 
 youth. 
 
 " I will let you know in a week," temporized 
 the beauteous maiden. 
 
 " Why not now? " 
 
 " Gee, you gotto gimme time to break my other 
 engagements, aintcher? " said the girl, forgetting 
 her grammar for the nonce. 
 
 The young man couldn't do anything but ac- 
 quiesce, could he? And who are we to read minds 
 and say what he thought? 
 
 INDIANS AND INDIANS 
 
 Mr. Porkington, of Chicago, visiting in New 
 York, was introduced to a lady as from that 
 growing town. 
 
 "Ah!" she smiled, with the keen cynicism of 
 the effete East. " From Chicago? I suppose you 
 have Indians out there? " 
 
 " Yes, madam, some," he replied humbly. 
 
 "Ah! Aren't you afraid of being scalped?" 
 
 " Not now, madam; not now," he responded, 
 with profound sincerity. " I was, before I came 
 to New York ; but having been skinned as I have 
 by these New York Indians, I consider scalping 
 by our Chicago brand as a mere bagatelle." 
 
 Then there was a lull in the conversation. 
 
 71
 
 PRECISION 
 
 President Wilson, at a dinner in Washington, 
 said of a statistician: 
 
 " His figures are so precise that one inclines 
 to doubt them. He is like the American sugar 
 planter in Hawaii, who, taking a friend to the 
 edge of a volcano, said: 
 
 " ' That crater, George, is just seventy thou- 
 sand and four years old.' 
 
 " ' But why the four? ' George asked. 
 
 " * Oh, I've been here four,' was the reply. 
 * It was seventy thousand when I came.' " 
 
 TAKING NO CHANCES 
 
 Cautious Storekeeper: 
 
 " I see you have mushrooms," she said, as she 
 stopped in front of a grocery. 
 
 " Yes'm, they are said to be mushrooms," was 
 the reply of the grocer. 
 
 " But aren't they? " 
 
 " I'm not going to say, madam. They may be 
 or may not." 
 
 "Oh, I see! You think they may be toad- 
 stools? " 
 
 " They may be." 
 
 " And would kill those who ate them? " 
 
 " Exactly." 
 
 72
 
 11 1 remember to have read that a score or more 
 of people in New York ate toadstool and died." 
 
 " I read the same thing, madam." 
 
 11 And so — so — " 
 
 " So there they are. If they are real mush- 
 rooms, you get a bargain at the price asked; if 
 they are toadstools, your heirs can't get a cent out 
 of me, for everything is in my wife's name." 
 
 The woman said she would take two beets and 
 a carrot, and let it go at that. 
 
 IN BAD 
 
 Young Jack was talking to the new visitor soon 
 after her arrival. He eyed her critically for a few 
 moments, then looked up and said: 
 
 " So you're my grandmother, are you? " 
 
 " Yes, dear. On your father's side," remarked 
 the old lady, smiling. 
 
 "Well, you're on the wrong side; you'll find 
 that out," replied Jack, without removing his 
 gaze. 
 
 A CHANGE OF CLIMATE 
 
 The bellboy jumped as he heard the bell, 
 And he scented another dime. 
 As he ran for the stairs, he said in glee, 
 11 1 am called to another climb." 
 
 73
 
 APPRECIATED BREVITY 
 
 Doctor Abernethy, the famous Scotch surgeon, 
 was a man of few words, but he once met his 
 match — in a woman. She called at his office in 
 Edinburgh one day, and showed a hand badly 
 inflamed and swollen, when the following dia- 
 logue, opened by the doctor, took place : 
 
 " Bum? " 
 
 " Bruise." 
 
 " Poultice." 
 
 The next day the woman called again, and the 
 dialogue was as follows: 
 
 " Better? " 
 
 " Worse." 
 
 " More poultice." 
 
 Two days later the woman made another call, 
 and this conversation occurred: 
 
 " Better? " 
 
 " Well. Fee? " 
 
 "Nothing!" exclaimed the doctor. "Most 
 sensible woman I ever met." 
 
 RAPID WORK 
 
 Residents in rival cities, Jones and Brown were 
 bragging hard about the excellence of their re- 
 spective homes. 
 
 " Take our fire brigade," said Jones, after an 
 
 74
 
 TQtxVu a TSFtto (Due 
 
 hour's heated discussion. " Do you know, the 
 other day a fire broke out in our town, and within 
 three minutes the engine came along, but it was 
 going so fast that the driver couldn't pull up till 
 he was a mile past the burning house." 
 
 Brown smiled in a superior fashion. 
 
 11 My dear fellow, that's nothing," he said. 
 " One day two men were working on a church 
 steeple in my city, and suddenly one of them 
 slipped. A terrible death would have been his, 
 but a spectator had the presence of mind to 
 call the fire brigade on the telephone, and they 
 came just in time to catch him in a blanket." 
 
 EXPERIENCED 
 
 The ladies were discussing a wedding which 
 took place in their church the previous evening. 
 
 " And do you know," continued the first and 
 best-informed lady of the party, " just as Frank 
 and the widow started up the aisle to the altar 
 every light in the church went out." 
 
 This startling bit of information was greeted 
 by a number of "Oh's!" 
 
 "What did the couple do then?" finally in- 
 quired one who beat the others out in regaining 
 her breath. 
 
 " Kept on going. The widow knew the way." 
 
 75
 
 AN UNFRIENDLY TIP 
 
 It was the first night of a barnstorming troupe 
 in a small Western town, billed to play the re- 
 mainder of the week. 
 
 The villain dragged the shrinkingtfieroine down 
 the stage to the footlights, and in her ear he 
 hissed: "Are we alone?" 
 
 And from the meagre audience came a wearied 
 growl: " Not to-night, you ain't; but you will be 
 to-morrow night." 
 
 WOULD HE? 
 
 (" I am very fond of limericks." — Woodrow 
 Wilson.) 
 
 Mr. Wood of N. J. lived at Wood Row, 
 And he'd row o'er the lake to see Woodrow, 
 
 But if Woodrow some day 
 
 Were to ask Wood, now pray 
 Would Wood row Woodrow o'er to Wood Row? 
 
 BEFORE HER TIME 
 
 Little Alice came in the house at luncheon- 
 time with a pair of very dirty hands. Her mother 
 looked at the little girl's hands and said: 
 " You never saw my hands as dirty as yours." 
 " No, mother," replied the child, " but grand- 
 mother did." 
 
 76
 
 A TRUTHFUL STORY-TELLER 
 
 William had been to Catalina with his mother, 
 and had enjoyed the trip in the glass-bottom boat. 
 He was telling about it to a little friend. 
 
 " Yes, Edgar, we could see the fish laying on 
 the bottom of the ocean ! " 
 
 " Lying, dear," put in his mother. 
 
 " No, I'm not, mother," he replied stoutly. 
 
 HIS NAME 
 
 She ransacked every novel, 
 
 And the dictionary, too, 
 But nothing ever printed 
 
 For her baby's name would do; 
 She hunted appellations 
 
 From the present and the past, 
 And this is what she named him 
 
 When they christened him at last: 
 
 Julian Harold Egbert 
 
 Ulysses Victor Paul 
 Algernon Marcus Cecil 
 
 Sylvester George McFall. 
 But after all the trouble 
 
 She'd taken for his sake, 
 His father called him Fatty, 
 
 And his schoolmates called him Jake. 
 77
 
 CULTIVATING THE FORK 
 
 Alfred Gwynne Vanderbilt, dressed after the 
 best English manner in a black, tight, long-tailed 
 morning coat, dark trousers, gray topped boots, 
 and a silk hat worn at a rakish backward angle, 
 discussed at the horse show his project of living 
 part of the time abroad. 
 
 11 Why shouldn't one live a lot abroad? " he 
 said. " They are not so bad over there. In dress, 
 in books, in plays, in music — really, you know, 
 in nearly everything they are not so bad. I fear 
 we underrate them. I fear we are all too prone 
 to regard the foreigner as he is regarded in the 
 story of Count Sans Terre. 
 
 " ' Why, count,' cried a friend, ' look at your 
 face! Such rapier cuts! Don't you know that 
 duelling is going out of fashion? ' 
 
 " ' I have not been duelling,' growled the count. 
 ' It's my American wife. She makes me eat with 
 a fork.' " 
 
 USELESS TO TRY 
 
 Needing some ribbon one day, while in a very 
 small Southern town, we went to the one store 
 there. 
 
 " Ribbon? " questioned the storekeeper. 
 " Well, we-all just mislaid our stock of ribbons, 
 
 78
 
 but if you-all come back later, I'll see if I can find 
 them." 
 
 So back we went later. He had found them. 
 
 " What color did you-all want? " 
 
 " Blue," we replied. 
 
 " Oh, blue! " he exclaimed in disgust. " We 
 haven't got any blue. Blue is so popular we don't 
 even try to keep it." 
 
 HIS RIVAL 
 
 It happened in front of the village post-office. 
 
 An old farmer was holding his frightened team 
 while an automobile rushed by. 
 
 " Queer how horses are so skeered of them 
 things," said one of the loafers. 
 
 " Queer? " grumbled the farmer. " What 
 would you do if you should see my pants coming 
 down the street with nothing in them? " 
 
 ANENT THE FLEA 
 
 How doth the little busy flea 
 
 Delight to jump and bite ! 
 He's never where he seems to be — 
 
 He's always out of sight! 
 The things the flea has done to me 
 
 Are not a cause for laughter ; 
 I've cussed him till I plainly see 
 
 My place in the hereafter. 
 79
 
 Ji)tvt f n a Keto tout 
 
 A WILD THROW 
 
 Judge M. W. Pinckney, at a recent banquet, 
 recalled an incident to show that there is some 
 humor associated with such a serious thing as the 
 law. In Dawson City, a colored man, Sam Jones 
 by name, was on trial for felony. The judge 
 asked Sam if he desired the appointment of a 
 lawyer to defend him. 
 
 " No, sah," said Sam. " I's gwine to throw 
 myself on the ignorance of the cote." 
 
 
 TRY IT 
 
 Bee Master (to pupil who has just brushed off 
 bee which stung him) — Ah ! You shouldn't do 
 that; the bee will die now. You should have 
 helped her to extract her sting, which is spirally 
 barbed, by gently turning her round and round. 
 
 Pupil — All very well for you, but how do I 
 know which way she unscrews? 
 
 A DULL DOG 
 
 There is a very sweet girl in a Kansas town 
 who stutters dreadfully. One night not long ago 
 when her beau was leaving, she accompanied him 
 to the porch and said : " George, are you coming 
 again next S-s-s-s-s — " 
 
 The dog was on the porch. After George was 
 
 80
 
 half a mile down the road, with the dog gaining 
 on him at every leap, it occurred to him that pos- 
 sibly the young lady had intended to say " Sun- 
 day " instead of " Seize him; " but it didn't occur 
 to the dog for as much as a mile or so beyond 
 that. 
 
 IMMUNE 
 
 The Hon. Tim Sullivan of Tammany fame tells 
 of a young philosopher he encountered not long 
 ago on the street. 
 
 This lad was of diminutive size, and carried 
 under his arm such a load of newspapers that the 
 Hon. Tim was moved to pity. 
 
 " Son," asked the Tammanyite, " don't all 
 those papers make you tired? " 
 
 " Nope," cheerfully replied the bit of humanity; 
 " I can't read." 
 
 THE ULTRA RICH 
 
 Mrs. Richley had recently purchased a sub- 
 urban estate, and was entertaining a poor rela- 
 tion, who remarked: 
 " What splendid fowls ! Do they lay well? " 
 " Oh, they can lay beautifully," remarked the 
 hostess, " but of course in our position they don't 
 have to." 
 
 81
 
 COULDN'T FEAZE HIM 
 
 While Governor Foss of Massachusetts was in 
 the South one winter, he met an old colored man 
 who claimed he had known George Washington. 
 
 The Governor, quite amused, asked the old 
 fellow if he was in the boat when George Wash- 
 ington crossed the Delaware. The old man said : 
 
 " Oh, Lor', massa, it was me dat steered dat 
 boat." 
 
 The Governor, not to be outdone, then asked: 
 
 " And do you remember when George took the 
 hack at the cherry tree? " 
 
 The colored man was lost in thought for a mo- 
 ment, then, with a beaming smile, he said: 
 
 " Why, suah, massa, I dun drove dat hack 
 mahself." 
 
 AN ORDEAL 
 
 " Bach " Smith had been invited in to look at 
 the new-born babe of friend Jones, and having 
 forgotten the sex of the infant prodigy, here was 
 his masterpiece of an opinion: 
 
 " Well, well, but he's a fine little fellow, isn't 
 she? How old is it now? Do her teeth bother 
 him much? I hope he gets through its second 
 summer all right. She looks like you, doesn't he? 
 Every one says it does." And then fled precipi- 
 tately. 
 
 82
 
 J&txvu a jSftto (Due 
 
 COUSINS TO SOLOMON 
 
 The story is told of a well-known traveler who 
 on one journey was much annoyed by a pedantic 
 bore who forced himself upon him and made a 
 great parade of his learning. The traveler bore 
 it as long as he could, and at length, looking at 
 him gravely, said: 
 
 " My friend, you and I know all that is to be 
 known." 
 
 " How is that? " said the man, pleased with 
 what he thought a complimentary association. 
 
 11 Why," said the traveler, " you know every- 
 thing except that you are a fool, and I know that." 
 
 SHE WAS WILLING TO HELP 
 
 The charming wife of a French diplomat had 
 never thoroughly mastered the English language. 
 She was urging an American naval officer to 
 attend a dinner, the invitation to which he had 
 already declined. The lady insisted that he 
 must go, but the young officer said he could not 
 possibly do so, as he had " burned his bridges 
 behind him." 
 
 The lady misunderstood the word. 
 
 "That will be all right," she exclaimed; "I 
 will lend you a pair of my husband's." 
 
 83
 
 > 
 
 ft) eve's a Keto <£ue 
 
 HONORABLE BUT REMOTE 
 
 A man well past middle life, who had spent his 
 years getting rich and who had never had any 
 time to devote to the ladies and similar frivolities, 
 began paying attention to a certain young lady. 
 Her father, a prudent man, waited for what he 
 considered a reasonable time for the suitor to 
 propose. But the suitor seemed satisfied with 
 things as they were, so father took the matter 
 into his own hands. " Cyrus, you've been settin' 
 up with Dora, takin' her to picnics, and to church 
 and buggy-ridin' as though you'd had the inside 
 track. An' nothin's come of it. Now I'd like to 
 know your intentions, as man to man." 
 
 " Well, I'll tell you as man to man, and there 
 ain't no cause for you to ruffle your shirt. My 
 intentions is honorable — but remote." 
 
 GENEROSITY 
 
 A large, husky negro and a small Frenchman 
 were sawing a large piece of timber for the Boston 
 subway with a heavy crosscut saw, each in turn 
 pulling it back and forth. A pugilistic Irishman 
 stopped to watch the operation. After a few mo- 
 ments he strolled up to the negro, and dealt him 
 a blow, saying: " Give the saw to the little fel- 
 low if he wants it." 
 
 84
 
 WHICH ANIMAL? 
 
 One afternoon little Alice went out for a walk 
 with her mother. A very dirty organ-grinder was 
 near the curb. He had a long beard, and was 
 particularly unkempt-looking. The man had a 
 monkey on a string, and Alice's mother gave her 
 a penny to give to the little animal. 
 
 " Step up to him and give him the penny," said 
 the mother. 
 
 Alice hesitated for a moment, and then turning 
 to her mother, asked very gravely: 
 
 " Which one shall I give it to, mother? The 
 monkey or his father? " 
 
 COULDN'T BEAT THAT 
 
 An American was boasting to an Irishman 
 about the fastness of American trains. 
 
 " Why, Pat," said the American, " we run our 
 trains so fast in America that the telegraph poles 
 look like a continuous fence." 
 
 " Do they now? " said Pat. " Well, sir, I was 
 wan day on a train in Ireland, and as we passed 
 first a field of turnips, then wan of carrots, then 
 wan of cabbage and then a large pond of water, 
 we were goin' that fast I thought it was 
 broth!" 
 
 85
 
 WHAT IS THE ANSWER 
 
 Senator Borah was talking at a dinner in Boise 
 about an embarrassing question that had been 
 asked at Chicago. 
 
 " The question," he said, smiling, " went un- 
 answered. It was like little Willie's query. 
 
 " A young gentleman was spending the week- 
 end at little Willie's cottage at Atlantic City, and 
 on Sunday evening after dinner, there being a 
 scarcity of chairs on the crowded piazza, the 
 young gentleman took Willie on his lap. 
 
 "Then, during a pause in the conversation, 
 little Willie looked up at the gentleman and piped : 
 
 " ' Am I as heavy as sister Mabel ? ' " 
 
 POSITIVE PROOF 
 
 An Irishman and a Scot were arguing as to the 
 merits of their respective countries. 
 
 " Ah, weel," said Sandy, " they toor down an 
 auld castle in Scotland and foond manny wires 
 under it, which shows that the telegraph was 
 knoon there hoondreds o' years ago." 
 
 "Well," said Pat, "they toor down an ould 
 castle in Oireland, and begorra there was no wires 
 found undher it, which shows that they knew 
 all about wireless telegraphy in Oireland hun- 
 dreds av years ago." 
 
 86
 
 LETTER WRITING IS NOT A 
 LOST ART 
 
 This is a copy of a real letter written by a fresh- 
 man at the University of Kansas to the loved ones 
 at home: 
 
 "Dear Mother: I must have a gymnasium 
 suit and a pair of tennis shoes ; please send them 
 to me. If I get them here I will have to pay for 
 them out of my allowance. Also send along three 
 ties, a pair of gloves, a laundry bag and a loung- 
 ing jacket — of course I wouldn't think of get- 
 ting a smoking jacket. I am sending a pattern 
 for a fraternity pillow, which please embroider 
 and return. And, say, mother, kindly slip me a 
 five occasionally, as Dad does not give me a very 
 liberal allowance. Now, you do not deserve this 
 letter, as you have not written this week, so I 
 am not going to write you another word. Your 
 loving son, — " 
 
 HIS EXPLANATION 
 
 A Scotchman visiting in America stood gazing 
 at a fine statue of George Washington, when an 
 American approached. 
 
 " That was a great and good man, Sandy," 
 said the American; " a lie never passed his lips." 
 
 " Weel," said the Scot, " I praysume he talked 
 through his nose like the rest of ye." 
 
 87
 
 NATURE AND NECESSITY 
 
 Those who have ever hunted flats in New York 
 know well that till a rental of five thousand or six 
 thousand dollars a year is reached flats are in- 
 credibly cramped. Indeed, in a good neighbor- 
 hood even a five thousand dollar flat is likely to 
 be a tiny one. 
 
 Discussing this phenomenon, Professor Brander 
 Matthews said at a luncheon: 
 
 " I remarked to a lady the other day: 
 
 " ' Why, madam, your dog wags his tail up 
 and down!' 
 
 " * Yes,' she replied, * he has to. We are com- 
 paratively poor, you see, and Fido was raised in a 
 five thousand dollar flat.' " 
 
 MIGHT AS WELL AND SAVE 
 THE TROUBLE 
 
 The wealthy old lady was very ill and sent for 
 her lawyer to make her will. " I wish to explain 
 to you," she said weakly, " about disposing of 
 my property." 
 
 The lawyer was sympathetic. " There, there, 
 don't worry about it," he said soothingly ; " just 
 leave it to me." 
 
 " Oh, well," said the old lady resignedly, " I 
 suppose I might as well. You'll get it anyway." 
 
 88
 
 Vm?u a l$m (Due 
 
 SHE DID 
 
 The young girl sat in her bedroom reading and 
 waiting impatiently. Her older sister was enter- 
 taining a young man in the parlor and she wanted 
 to know how it would terminate. At last there 
 was a sound in the hall, and a crash as of a closing 
 door made it plain to the girl that the young man 
 had gone. Throwing down her book, she ran to 
 the head of the stairs and peered eagerly and 
 intently into the blackness of the hall beneath. 
 
 "Well, Maude," she called, "did you land 
 him?" 
 
 There was a peculiar silence and then a mas- 
 culine voice responded: 
 
 "She did." 
 
 HOW HE TOOK THE PICKLE 
 
 The physician had been treating a man for 
 dyspepsia for a long time, and finally, wishing to 
 know how his patient was coming on, he told 
 him to take a dill pickle just before going to bed 
 and see if he could hold it on his stomach over 
 night. The next day the man called, and the 
 physician asked him the result. 
 
 " Oh, it was all right, Doctor," he said, " as 
 long as I was awake; but when I went to sleep 
 it rolled off." 
 
 89
 
 fctxt'n a TSTcto <S)uc 
 
 A LEGAL OPINION 
 
 " A cat sits on my back fence every night and 
 he yowls and yowls and yowls. Now, I don't 
 want to have any trouble with neighbor Jones, 
 but this thing has gone far enough, and I want 
 you to tell me what to do." 
 
 The young lawyer looked as solemn as an old 
 sick owl, and said not a word. 
 
 " I have a right to shoot the cat, haven't I? " 
 
 " I would hardly say that," replied young Coke 
 Blackstone. " The cat does not belong to you, as 
 I understand it." 
 
 " No, but the fence does." 
 
 " Then," concluded the light of law, " I think 
 it is safe to say you have a perfect right to tear 
 down the fence." 
 
 THE DEVOTED WIDOW 
 
 The accomplished and obliging pianist had 
 rendered several selections, when one of the 
 admiring group of listeners in the hotel parlor 
 suggested Mozart's Twelfth Mass. Several 
 people echoed the request, but one lady was par- 
 ticularly desirous of heajring the piece, explaining 
 that her husband had belonged to that very regi- 
 ment. 
 
 90
 
 IBert's a Kciu (Due 
 
 THE CAUTIOUS SCOT 
 
 A Scotsman went to a solicitor, laid before him 
 a question, and asked him if he could undertake 
 the case. 
 
 "Certainly," replied the solicitor. "I will 
 readily undertake the case. We're sure to win." 
 
 " So ye really think it's a good case? " 
 
 " Most decidedly, my dear sir. I am prepared 
 to guarantee that you will secure a favorable 
 verdict." 
 
 " Ah, weel, I'm much obliged tae ye, but I 
 dinna think I'll go tae law this time, for, you see, 
 the case I've laid before ye is my opponent's." 
 
 WAR ALARM 
 
 Little Tommy, at the " movies," saw a tribe 
 of Indians painting their faces, and asked his 
 mother the significance of this. 
 
 "Indians," his mother answered, " always paint 
 their faces before going on the warpath — before 
 scalping and tomahawking and murdering." 
 
 The next evening, after dinner, as the mother 
 entertained in the parlor her daughter's young 
 man, Tommy rushed downstairs wide-eyed with 
 fright. 
 
 " Come on, mother," he cried. " Let's get out 
 of this quick ! Sister is going on the war-path ! " 
 
 91
 
 GETTING EVEN WITH THE RECTOR 
 
 An Episcopal clergyman, rector of a fashionable 
 church in one of Boston's most exclusive sub- 
 urbs, could not be bothered with the innumerable 
 telephone calls that fall to one in his profession, 
 so he had his name left out of the telephone book. 
 A prominent merchant of the same name, living 
 in the same suburb, was continually annoyed 
 by requests to officiate at funerals and baptisms. 
 He went to the rector, told his troubles in a kindly 
 way, and asked the parson to have his name put 
 in the directory. But without success. 
 
 The merchant then determined to complain to 
 the telephone company. As he was writing the 
 letter, one Saturday evening, the telephone rang 
 and the timid voice of a young man asked if the 
 Rev. Mr. Blank would marry him at once. A 
 happy thought came to the merchant: " No, I'm 
 too damn busy writing my sermon," he replied. 
 
 NO HELP NEEDED 
 
 " What would you do if I should kiss you? " 
 
 asked the young man. 
 " Do? " said the girl. " I'd scream for help." 
 " Oh, don't bother," said he. " I can do it 
 
 without any help." 
 
 92
 
 AN EXPENSIVE LIBRARY 
 
 Robert Ingersoll was famous for the library of 
 infidel books which he possessed. One day a re- 
 porter called on Mr. Ingersoll for an interview, 
 and among other questions asked was : 
 
 " Would you mind telling me how much your 
 library cost you, Mr. Ingersoll? " 
 
 Looking over at his shelves he answered : 
 
 " Well, my boy, these books cost me anyhow 
 the Governorship of Illinois, and perhaps the 
 Presidency of the United States ! " 
 
 SIMPLIFIED 
 
 Boston Five-Year-Old — Father, what is the 
 exact meaning of the verse beginning "Jack 
 Sprat could eat no fat? " 
 
 Father — In simple terms it is as follows : 
 Jack Sprat could assimilate no adipose tissue. 
 His wife, on the other hand, possessed an aver- 
 sion for the more muscular portions of epithe- 
 lium. And so between them both, you see, they 
 removed all the foreign substances from the sur- 
 face of that utilitarian utensil, commonly called 
 platter. Does that make it clear, son? 
 
 Boston Five-Year-Old — Perfectly, father. The 
 lack of lucidity in these Mother Goose rhymes 
 is amazingly apparent! 
 
 93
 
 Neve's a Xeto #ue 
 
 CHERISHED MEMENTOES 
 
 Senator Clapp, at a dinner in, Washington, 
 chuckled over the appearance before his com- 
 mittee of Colonel Roosevelt. 
 
 " The Colonel," he said, " certainly got back 
 at everybody. He reminded me of the Irishman. 
 
 " A friend of mine, traveling in Ireland, stopped 
 for a drink of milk at a white cottage with a 
 thatched roof, and, as he sipped his refreshment, 
 he noted, on a center table under a glass dome, 
 a brick with a faded red rose upon the top of it. 
 
 " ' Why do you cherish in this way,' my friend 
 said to his host, ' that common brick and that 
 dead rose? ' 
 
 " ' Shure, sir,* was the reply, ' there's certain 
 memories attachin' to them. Do ye see this dent 
 in my head? Well, it was made by that brick.' 
 
 " ' But the rose? ' said my friend. 
 
 " His host smiled quietly. 
 
 " ' The rose,' he explained, "is off the grave 
 of the man that threw the brick.' " 
 
 MORE FITTING 
 
 A young lady and her fiance were waiting 
 for a street car. After several cars had passed 
 that they were unable to get aboard the young 
 man became impatient. He waved frantically 
 
 94
 
 at the next car as it hove in sight, then leaped 
 upon the platform and said in a pleading voice: 
 "Come on, Helen; we can manage to squeeze 
 in here, can't we? " 
 
 She blushed faintly, but sweetly replied: 
 " I suppose we can, dear, but don't you think 
 we'd better wait until we get home? " 
 
 NOT NEEDED 
 
 While a traveling man was waiting for an op- 
 portunity to show his samples to a merchant in a 
 little backwoods town in Missouri, a customer 
 came in and bought a couple of night-shirts. 
 Afterwards a long, lank lumberman, with his 
 trousers stuffed in his boots, said to the merchant;: 
 " What was them 'ere that feller bot? " 
 " Night-shirts. Can I sell you one or two? " 
 " Naup, I reckon not," said the Missourian. 
 " I don't set around much o' nights." 
 
 GREAT CLIMAX 
 
 " How was the play you saw last night? " 
 11 Pretty melodramatic. In the second act, 
 when the skulking villain descends upon Hickory 
 Farm and forecloses the mortgage on old Uncle 
 Zeke's automobile, there was hardly a dry eye 
 in the house." 
 
 95
 
 FOR A SCENT 
 
 A grouchy butcher, who had watched the price 
 of porterhouse steak climb the ladder of fame, 
 was deep in the throes of an unusually bad 
 grouch when a would-be customer, eight years 
 old, approached him, and handed him a penny. 
 
 "Please, mister, I want a cent's worth of 
 sausage." 
 
 Turning on the youngster with a growl, he let 
 forth this burst of good salesmanship : 
 
 " Go smell o' the hook ! " 
 
 MIGHT HAVE BEENS 
 
 " I might have married a millionaire," declared 
 Everywoman. " One of my old schoolmates is 
 now one." 
 
 " And several of your schoolmates are working 
 right in this town for Sio a week," retorted 
 Everyman, " while one of them is in jail. I guess 
 in marrying a chap getting $1,500 a year your 
 average is fairly good." 
 
 And then Everybaby set up a howl and they 
 had to stop quarreling to attend to him. 
 
 96
 
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