THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA RIVERSIDE DEAMATISTS OF THE RESTORATION. SHACKERLEY MARMION Printed for Subscribers only. 450 copies Small Paper. 150 „ Large Paper. 30 „ Whatman's Paper. 3 „ Vellum. THE DRAMATIC WORKS OF SHACKERLEY MARMION. m WITH PEEFATORY MEMOIR, INTRODUCTIONS, AND NOTES. MDCCCLXXV. EDINBURGH: WILLIAM PATERSON. LONDON: H. SOTHERAN & CO. \Zl5 TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE Joint ®ufc(% Hovtr ©olm'trgr, OF OTTERY ST. MARY, DEVON, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE COURT OF COMMON PLEAS, ONE OF A FAMILY EMINENT IN LITERATURE, A DISTINGUISHED LAWYER AND AN UPRIGHT JUDGE, THIS VOLUME IS INSCRIBED BY HIS OBLIGED AND FAITHFUL SERVANTS THE EDITORS. CONTENTS. Page Introductory Notice and Memoir, . . Lx Holland's Leaguer, .... 1 A Fine Companion, .... 99 The Antiquary, .... 197 PREFATORY NOTICK. The name of the author of the following plays, three in number, has been variously spelt and its correct pronunciation consequently rendered doubt- ful. On the title-page of the first play, printed in 1632, he is called " Schackerley Marmyon, Master of Arts ;" next year, on the second, he is entered as " Shakerley Marmyon ;" and, thirdly, in 1641, he appears as " Shackerly Mermion, Gent." Although Air Singer, in his elegant reprint of this author's Poem of Cupid and Psyche, which emanated from the Chiswick Press in 1820, inclines to call him Shakerley Marmion, our bias, guided by the pre- ponderance of authority, is in favour of his being designated " Shackerley Marmion." Shakerly, however, was an ancient family name in England. Francis, tilth Earl of Shrewsbury, who died on 25th September 1560, according to Collins,* took as his second wife " Grace, daughter of Robert Shakerley of Little Longdon in Derbyshire, Esq., but had no issue by her." Lodge says she was the widow of Robert Shakerley of Holme in Cheshire. The name was territorial, and the chief of the family was Sir Jeffrey Shakerly of Shakerly, in the county of Lancaster. His eldest son George married Anne, youngest daughter cf Sir Walter Bagot of Bagot, who died 15th February 1704, in the sixtieth year of his age. Shackerley Marmion, it is surmized by Singer, " was descended from the ancient and noble family of the Marmions of Scrivelsby," in whom was * Collins' Peerage by Sir E. Brydg-es, Vol. I IT., page 23. X PREFATORY NOTICE. vested the hereditary right to appear at the coro- nation of the Sovereigns of England as Champion. Of Mr Singer's assertion there is no legal evi- dence, hut it is certainly true that the Office of King's Champion was inherited by the Marmions of Scrivelsby. The Marmions, Lords of Fontney in Normandy, came over with William the Conqueror, being represented in the person of Robert de Marmion, who obtained a grant of the castle and town of Tamworth, in the county of Warwick, as well as of the manor of Scrivelsby in Lincolnshire, the tenure of the latter being hereditary service as Royal Champion, at coronations ; an office which it is said his ancestors had exercised in relation to the Dukes of Normandy. The family became ex- tinct in the 20th Edward I., Philip de Marmion, the fifth Baron, having died without male issue. His grand-daughter, Mazera, having been married to Alexander de Freville, he, in right of his wife, succeeded to Tamworth Castle. At the coronation of Richard II., Sir Baldwin de Freville, Knight, their grandson, then holding Tamworth Castle, appeared in virtue of the tenure to perform the duty of Royal Champion— that is, to ride, com- pletely armed, into Westminster Hall, upon a barbed steed, and there to challenge the combat with whomsoever should dare to oppose the King's title to the Crown, a service which the Barons de Marmion, his ancestors, had theretofore performed ; but the preference was given to Sir John Dymoke, to whom the Manor of Scrivelsby had descended by an heir female of Sir Thomas Ludlowe, Knt., by Joane, youngest daughter and coheir of the said Philip, the last Baron Marmion of Tamworth. The representative of that family is till the present day Hereditary Champion of England. The Earls PREFATORY NOTICE. XI Ferrers are the descendants, and possess the estates of the family of Freville. The form and ceremony observed in introducing the Champion on the day of the Coronation of James II. is given in a History of his Coronation, " illustrated with exquisite Sculptures, and pub- lished by his Majesty's especial command, by Francis Sandford, Lancaster Herald of Arms, anno ] 687 :"— " Before the second course was brought in, Sir Charles Dymoke, Knt., the King's Champion — son and heir of Sir Edward Dymoke, Knt., who per- formed the like service at the coronation of his Majesty Charles II. — completely armed in one of his majesty's best suits of white armour, mounted on a goodly white horse, richly caparisoned, en- tered the hall in manner following, viz. :— " Two trumpets, with the champion's arms on their banner. "The Serjeant trumpet, with his mace on his shoulder ; two Serjeants at arms, with their maces on their shoulders. " The champion's two esquires, richly habited ; one on the right hand, with the champion's lance carried upright ; the other on the left hand, with his target, and the champion's arms depicted thereon. " York Herald, with a paper in his hand, con- taining the words of the challenge. " The champion on horseback, with a gauntlet in his right hand, his helmet on his head, adorned with a great plume of feathers, white, blue, and red. On his ritdit " The Earl Marshall in his robes and coronet on horseback, with marshall's staff in his hand." On his left " The Lord High Constable in his robes and coronet on horseback, with the constable's staff." XII PREFATORY NOTICE. " Four pages, richly apparelled, attendants on the Champion. " The passage to their Majesties' table being cleared by the Knight Marshall, York herald, with a loud voice, proclaimed the Champion's challenge, viz. : — " ' If any person, of what degree soever, high or low, shall deny or gainsay our Sovereign Lord King, &c, &c, &c, to be right heir to the imperial crown of this realm of England, or that he ought not to enjoy the same, here is his Champion, who saith that he lieth, and is a false traitor, being ready in person to combat with him ; and in this quarrel will adventure his life against him on what day soever he shall be appointed.' " And then the Champion threw down his gauntlet. The gauntlet having lain some short time, the said York herald took it up, and de- livered it again to the Champion. " Then advancing in the same order to the middle of the hall, the said herald made proclama- tion as before, and the Champion threw down his gauntlet ; which, after having lain a little time, was taken up by the herald and delivered to him again. " Lastly, advancing to the foot of the steps, York herald, and those who preceded him, going to the top of the steps, made proclamation a third time, at the end whereof the Champion again cast down his gauntlet, which after some time being taken up and redelivered to him by the herald, he made a low obeisance to his Majesty. Whereupon his Majesty's Cup-bearer bringing to the King a gilt bowl of wine, with a cover, his Majesty drank to the Champion, and sent him the said bowl by the cup-bearer, accompanied with his assistants, which the Champion— having put on his gauntlet — PREFATORY NOTICE. xiu received, and retiring a little space, drank thereof. and made his humble reverence to his Majesty ; and, being accompanied as before, departed out of the hall, taking the said bowl and cover with him as his fee." In the British Museum is a MS. purporting to be a Mandate of Henry VI. to R. Rolleston, Keeper of his Majesty's Wardrobe, to deliver to P. Dymoke, such furniture, &c, as King's Cham- pion on the day of the Coronation, as his ancestors were accustomed to have.* Philip de Marmion was twice married. By his first wife his territorial lordship of Tamworth passed to the representative of his eldest daughter Joane, and latterly vested in the ancient family of Freville ; thereafter by descent it came to the Lords de Ferrers. In this line it is understood that whatever right there may be to the Barony by tenure it is vested in their present representative, but it is very improbable that any attempt will ever again be made to raise any claim to an honour of this description, after the decision against the late Lord Fitzharding, who, in virtue of his pos- session of Berkeley Castle, unsuccessfully asserted a right to sit in the House of Lords. Serious doubts have been entertained of the soundness of the decision given by that very capricious tribunal — if it can be so termed — a Committee of Privileges. To console the claimant for his want of success he was gratified by Government with a modern Barony of Fitzharding — -one of the old titles of the Earls of Berkeley. This has been mentioned to shew that the claim which was brought before the House of Peers at the beginning of this cen- * For pedigree and further account of the Marmions of Scrivelsby see Banks' " Dormant and extinct Baronage of England," Vol. I., 4to, Lond. 1807. XIV PREFATORY NOTICE. tury by another descendant of Philip de Marraion to the dignity of a Baron was unfounded, and could not be maintained in virtue of his descent from Joane, Lord Marmion's youngest daughter by his second marriage, whose grand-daughter, marrying Sir John Dymoke, Kt., thereby brought the Manor of Scrivelsby into the family, in which it remains. Although the family of Dymoke have, from time to time, exercised the office of King's Cham- pion down to the coronation of Her Majesty, Queen Victoria, they had no claim to the Peerage. Nevertheless Lewis Dymoke, having been ad- vised that he had such claim, in July 1814, for the first time petitioned the Crown for a Writ of Summons, which petition having been referred to the Attorney-General, the case was heard in the usual manner in the House of Lords ; but before any judgment was pronounced the claimant died, and the application has never been renewed. " With respect to this claim," says Sir Harris Nicolas, in a Synopsis of the Peerage of England, Vol. ii., Art. Marmion, " it is to be observed, that though the Manor of Scrivelsby was held by the service of performing the office of King's Champion by Kobert de Marmyon, in the reign of William the Conqueror, he was not by seizure thereof a Baron, but by seizure of the Castle and Barony of Tam worth, which he held of the King in capite by Knight's service ; so that, if at this period Baronies by Tenure were admitted, the possessor of the Manor and Lordship of Tamworth — which in the division of his property fell to the share of Joane, his eldest daughter, wife of William Mos- teyn, and, on her death S. P. to Alexander Freville, husband of Joan, daughter and heir of Jialf Crom- well, by Margaret or Mazera, the next sister of the PREFATORY NOTICE. XV said Joan de Mosteyn — would possess the claim to the Barony possessed by Robert de Marmyon above mentioned, he having derived his dignity from that Barony, instead of from the seizure of the Manor of Scrivelsby. Moreover, if Philip Mar- mion, the last Baron, had died seized of a Barony in fee, Lewis Dymoke, the claimant, was not even a co-heir of the said Philip, though he was the descendant of one of his daughters and co-heirs." Sir Walter Scott, in a note upon his poem of Marmion, thus remarks as to the name : — " I have not created a new family, but only revived the titles of an old one in an imaginary personage." He goes on to say : — " It was one of the Marmion family, who, in the reign of Edward II., performed that chivalrous feat before the very Castle of Nor- ham which Bishop Percy has woven into his beau- tiful ballad 'The Hermit of Warkworth.'" An account of this feat will thus be found in Leland : — " The Scottes came yn to the marches of Eng- land, and destroyed the castles of Werk and Herbotel, and overran much of Northumberland marches. " At this tyme, Thomas Gray and his friendes defended Norham from the Scottes. " It were a wonderful processe to declare, what mischefes cam by hungre and asseges by the space of xi yeres in Northumberland ; for the Scottes became so proude after they had got Berwick, that they nothing esteemed the Englishmen. " About this tyme there was a greate feste made yn Lincolnshir, to which came many gentlemen and ladies ; and amonge them one lady brought a heaulme for a man of were, with a very riche creste of gold, to William Marmion, Knight, with a letter of commandement of her lady, that he should go into the daungerest place in England, XVI PREFATORY NOTICE. and ther to let the heaulme be seene and known as famous. So he went to Norham ; whither within 4 days of camming, cam Philip Moubray, guardian of Berwicke, having yn his bande 40 men of amies, the very flour of men of the Scotish Marches. " Thomas Gray, capitayne of Norham, seynge this, brought his garison afore the barriers of the castel, behind whom cam William, richly arrayed, as al glittering in gold, and wearing the heaulme, his lady's present. " Then said Thomas Gray to Marmion, ' Sir Knight, ye be cum hither to fame your helmet : mount up on yowr horse, and ryde like a valiant man to yowr foes even here at hand, and I forsake God if I rescue not thy body deade or alyve, or I myself wyl dye for it.' " Whereupon he toke his cursere, and rode among the throng of ennemyes ; the which layed sore stripes on him, and pulled him at the last out of his sadel to the grounde. " Then Thomas Gray, with al the hole garrison, lette prick yn among the Scottes, and so wondid them and their horses, that they were overthrowan ; and Marmion, sore beten, was horsid again, and, with Gray, persewed the Scottes yn chase. There were taken 50 horse of price ; and the women of Norham brought them to the foote men to follow the chase." Shackerley Marmion was born in January 1G02 at Aynho, near Brackley, in the county of Northamp- ton, of which place his father was Lord of the Manor, and the possessor of a considerable estate there. He was initiated in letters, under the mastership of Richard Boucher or Butcher, as he was commonly called, at the free school, at Thame, in Oxfordshire ; from thence, when about sixteen years of age, he was sent to Wadham College, of which, in 1617, PREFATORY NOTICE. XV11 he became a gentleman commoner, and continued there until he took the degree of M.A. in 1624. Anthony Wood says of him : " he was a goodly proper gentleman, and had once in his possession seven hundred pounds per annum at least, but died — as the curse is incident to all poets — poor and in debt." Oldys, in his MS. notes on Lang- baine, says it was our author's father, and not himself, who squandered away this fortune ; and this seems probable, inasmuch as Aynho was sold, according to Singer, "to Eichard Cartwright of the Inner Temple in 1620," at which time lie was only eighteen years of age, and apparently a care- ful student. When left to his own resources he sought to push his fortune, like many other reduced gentle- men, in the Low Countries ; but the contention for promotion was so great, that Marmion waited in vain for preferment, so he threw aside the pike, and returned to England, where he had recourse to his pen as a better means to attain that fame and fortune he as a soldier had expected to win. Sir John Suckling, who had also served in the Low Countries under Gustavus Adolphus, in turn came back to his own country, where, at his own charge, he raised a troop of horse for the King's service, so richly and completely mounted that the cost has been estimated at £12,000. Into this troop Marmion was admitted by his friend Sir John, and shortly thereafter they proceeded towards Scot- land in the memorable but ill-fated expedition against the Scottish Covenanters, 1638-39. Mar- mion, however, reached no farther than i^ork, when, falling sick, he was, by the care of his friend and brother-in-arms, removed by easy stages to London, where he died at the beginning of the year 1639. xviii PREFATORY NOTICE. Besides several minor Poems scattered about in different publications, he wrote Cupid and Psyche ; or, an Epic Poem of Cupid and his Mistress, as lately presented to the Prince Elector. Lond. 1637. 4to ; and The Three Comedies which follow, viz. : — Holland's Leaguer, . . . 1632 A Fine Companion, . . . 1633 The Antiquary, .... 1641 To him has also been attributed, but without sufficient evidence : — The Crafty Merchant, or the Soldier'd Citi- zen. A Comedy. Not Printed. The Faithful Shepherd. A Pastoral. There is a copy of his "Fine Companion" in the Grenville collection in the British Museum, "marked" for acting, the character of the hand- writing being about fifty years later than the date of the piece. There are numerous verbal altera- tions, and a good deal of "cutting" noted through- out and on the margins ; but unfortunately the MS. interpolations of the longer passages deleted have been removed, the fragments of wafers to which these more important alterations have been attached being the only vestiges left of their having existed. Marmion's very beautiful Legend of Cupid and Psyche, a work upon which his poetic fame must more immediately rest, has been carefully edited for modern readers, by W. S. Singer, Esq. He takes the text from the first edition, to which is prefixed commendatory verses by Richard Broun, Francis Tuckyr, Thomas Nabbes, and Thomas Hey wood. A second edition appears to have been issued in folio in 1638. Another edition, which in this way may be PREFATORY NOTICE. XIX termed the third, subsequently appeared under this title : — " Cupid's Courtship : or the Celebration of a Marriage between the God of Love and Psiche. Licensed October 29, 1G66. Roger L'Estrange. London, printed by E. 0. for Thomas Dring, at the White Lion in Fleet-street, near Chancery- lane. 1G66. lGmo." The commencing title is : A Moral Poem on the Marriage of Cupid and Psiche, pp. 80. Title, two Addresses by Friends, F. T. and T. H., the Argu- ment and the Mythology occupying other 8 pages. The Argument and its Explanation, which occur in all the editions, are as follows : — "THE ARGUMENT. There was inhabiting in a certain city a King and Queen, who had three daughters ; the elder two of a moderate, mean beauty, but the youngest was of so curious, so pleasing a feature, and exact symmetry of body, that men esteemed her gener- ally a goddess, and a Venus of the earth. Her sisters being happily married to their desires and dignities, she only, out of a super-excellency of perfection, became rather the subject of adoration than love. Venus, conceiving an offence, and en- vious of her good parts, incites Cupid to a revenge, and severe vindication of his mother's honour. Cupid, like a fine archer, coming to execute his mother's design, falls in love with the maid and wounds himself. Apollo, by Cupid's subornation, adjudges her in marriage to a serpent. Upon which, like Andromeda, she is left chained to a rock, her marriage being celebrated rather with funeral obsequies than hymeneal solemnities. In this inconceivable afright she is borne far away by the west-wind to a goodly fair house, whose wealth XX PREFATORY NOTICE. and stateliness no praise can determine. Her hus- band, in the deadness and solitude of night, did oft-times enjoy her, and as he entered in obscurity, so he departed in silence, without once making himself known unto her. Thus she continued for a long season, being only waited upon by the ministery of the Winds and Voices. Her sisters came every day to seek and bewail her • and though her husband did with many threats pro- hibit her the sight of them, yet natural affection prevailed above conjugal duty, for she never ceased with tears to solicit him, till he had permitted their access. They no sooner arrived, but instantly cor- rupt her, and with wicked counsel deprave her understanding, infusing a belief that she had married and did nightly embrace a true serpent ; nor are they yet contenteil to turn the heaven of her security into the hell of suspicion, but with many importunities proceed, exhorting her to kill him, which she also assents unto. Thus credulity proves the mother of deceit, and curiosity the step- mother of safety. Having thus prepared for his destruction, the scene is altered, and she acts the Tragedy of her own happy fortunes : for coming with an intent to mischief him, so soon as the light has discovered what he was, she falls into an extremity of love and passion, being altogether ravished with his beauty and habiliments ; and while she kisses him with as little modesty as care, the burning lamp drops upon his shoulder, whereupon her husband furiously awakes, and having with many expostulations abandoned her falsehood, scorns and forsakes her. The maid, after a tedious pilgrimage to regain his love and society, Ceres and Juno having repulsed her, freely at the last offers up herself to Venus, where through her injunctions and imperious commands she is PREFATORY NOTICE. XXI coarsely treated, and set to many hard and grievous tasks : as first, the separation of several grains, with the fetching of the Stygian water and the Golden Fleece, and the Box of beauty from Proserpine ; all which by divine assistance being perform'd, she is reconciled, and in the presence of the gods married to her husband : the wedding is solemnized in Heaven. " THE MYTHOLOGY ; OR, EXPLANATION OF THE ARGUMENT. By the City is meant the World ; by the King and Queen, God and Nature ; by the two elder sisters, the flesh and the will ; by the last, the Soul, which is the most beautiful, and the youngest, since she is infused after the body is fashioned. Venus, by which is understood Lust, is feigned to envy her, and stir up Cupid, which is Desire, to destroy her ; but because Desire has equal relation both to Good and Evil, he is here brought in to love the Soul, and to be join'd with her, whom also he persuades not to see his face, that is, not to learn his delights and his vanities ; for Adam, though he Avere naked, yet he saw it not, till he had eaten of the tree of Concupiscence. And where- as she is said to burn him with the dispumation of the lamp, by that is understood that she vomits out the flames of desire which were hid in her breast; for desire, the more it is kindled, the more it burns, and makes, as it were, a blister in the mind. Thus, like Eve, being made naked through desire, she is cast out of all happiness, exil'd from her house, and tost with many dangers. By Ceres and Juno both repulsing of her is meant that neither wealth nor honour can succour a distressed soul : In the separation of several grains is under- stood the act of the Soul, which is recollection, and XX11 PREFATORY NOTICE. the substance of that act, her forepast sins : By her going to Hell, and those several occurrences, are meant the many dangers of despair: by the Stygian water, the tears of repentance ; and by the Golden Fleece, her forgiveness. All which, as in the Argument is specified, being by Divine Pro- vidence accomplish'd, she is married to her spouse in Heaven." JAMES MAIDMENT. W. H. LOGAN. April 1875. HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. Hollands Leagver. An excellent comedy as it hath bin lately and often acted with great applause, by the high and mighty Prince Charles his servants; at the private house in Salisbury Court. Written by Shackerley Marmyon, Master of Arts. vult hcec sub luce videri; Indicts argutum quia non formidat acumen. Printed at London by I. B. for Iohn Grove, dwelling in Swan Yard within Newgate, 1632. Of this play Langbaine says: — "An excellent Comedy often acted with great applause, by the High and Mighty Prince Charles his Servants, at the Private House in Salisbury Court, printed quarto, Lond. 1632. The author of this play has shewed his reading, having borrow'd several things from Juvenal, Petronius Arbiter, &c." In the notice of this piece in the Biographia Dramatica it is said that besides being acted at Salisbury Court, it was acted at Court before the King and Queen, but no authority is given for this latter statement. The notice goes on further to say, — " This piece met with great applause. The story was printed the same year in 4to; but there is no incident in this play taken from it, except a detection of the sin of pandarism." The situation of Holland's Leaguer, a well-known brothel, was what forms a part of the present Holland Street, Blackfriars. There w T as a copy of this " Story," which is very scarce, in George Daniel's Library, sold in 1864 by Sotheby. — This copy was recently in the possession of Bernard Quaritch, Bookseller, Piccadilly, and in his catalogue it is thus described : — " Holland's Leaguer, or a Historical discourse of the life and actions of Dona Britanica Hollandia, the Arch- Mistris of the wicked women of Eutopia, wherein is detected the notorious sinne of Pandarisme, and the execrable life of the luxurious Impudent, with the rare frontispiece of the celebrated brothel, the last line of the metrical inscription being, as usual, cut into, fine copy in morocco extra, blind tooled, gilt edges. Sin. 4to, printed by A. M.for Richard Barnes, 1632, £7, 15s." Geneste in his quaint precis of the plot thus notes : — " The Lord Philautus is self- conceited to the last degree, he is encouraged in his folly by Ardelio, who is his Steward and parasite. Philautus is brought to his sober senses by Faustina. She turns out to be his sister. The bulk of the play consists of an under- plot with 4 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. comic characters : the 4th act passes chiefly before a brothel, which is repeatedly called the Leaguer, and sometimes a castle or fort. Trimalchio and Gapritio (two Gulls) with the Tutor of the latter, and Ardelio, are taken up by a pretended constable and watchman, as they are coming from the Leaguer." The word " Leaguer," used to signify a brothel, occurs more than once in "the Knave in grain new vampt," a comedy by J. D. Acted at the Fortune play- house, 1640. In Glapthorne's comedy "the Hollander," is this passage : — " Have you not constant She souldiers in your citadelle ? none such Had Holland's Leaguer ; Lambeth Marsh is held A nunry to your Colledge." Of the actors who personated the several characters in this play nothing is known, in so far as the Editors have been able to trace. TO THE READER. Courteous Reader, for so I presume thou art, — if otherwise, thou losest the title of being styled in- genious, for there are none but favour learning if they so much as pretend to it, but I hope I need make no apology, either to gain thy favour or to credit the work, it has so often passed with approbation, that I have hopes it will continue it. If there be any so supercilious to condemn it before they read it, let them rest content with the title, and not enter into the Theatre, unless they intend to behold the florales. However my Muse has de- scended to this subject, let men esteem of her only as a reprover, not an interpreter of wicked- ness : Ocultare peccantis promulgare ludentis est. Aristippus, being compelled to dance in purple against the dignity of a philosopher, made an excuse that the baits of sin had no power on a good nature; and Plato, having composed wanton verses, affirmed that the more plain they were the more honest ; and your former writers in their accurate discovery of vice, have mingled their precepts of wisdom. If thou shalt accept this as it was simply meant, the applause it has obtained shall not so much crown it as thy acceptation. SHACKERLEY MARMYOK DRAMATIS PERSON/E. [ a Lord enamoured Philautus, I ofhimself> Ardelio, his parasite, Trimalchio, a humorous gallant, Agurtes, an Impostor, Atjtolictjs, his disciple, Capritio, a young Novice. Miscellanio, his Tutor. . Snarl, Fidelio, friends to Philautus, Jeffry, tenant to Philautus, Triphcena, wife to Philautus. Faustina, sister to Philautus. Millescent, daugher to Agurtes. Margery, her maid, Quartilla, gentlewoman to Tri- phcena, Bawd, Two JJliores. Pandar. Office) > William Browne, Ellis Worth. Andrew Keyne. Matthew Smith. James Sneller. Henry Gr ad well. Thomas Bond. ^ Richard Fowler. I Edward May. Robert Hunt. Robert Stratford. Richard Godwin. John Wright. Richard Fouch. Arthur Savill. Samuel Mannery. s, PROLOGUE. Gentle spectators, that, with graceful eye, Come to behold the Muse's colony, New planted in this soil : forsook of late By the inhabitants, since made fortunate By more propitious stars ; though on each hand To overtop us two great Laurels stand : The one, when she shall please to spread her train, The vastness of the globe cannot contain : Th' other so high, the Phoenix does aspire To build in, and takes new life from the fire Bright poesy creates ; yet we partake The influence they boast of, which does make Our bayes to flourish, and the leaves to spring, That on our branches now new poets sing : And when with joy he shall see this resort, Phoebus shall not disdain to styl't his Court. HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. Act. I. Scene I. Fidelio, Snarl. Fid. What, Snarl, my dear Democritus, how is't? You are a Courtier grown, I hear. Snar. No sir ; That's too deep a mystery for me to profess. I spend my own revenues, only I have An itching humour to see fashions. Fid. And what have you observ'd since you came hither 1 Snar. "Why, they do hold here the same maxim still : That to dissemble is the way to live. But promotion hangs all upon one chain, And that's of gold ; he that intends to climb Must get up by the links ; and those are tied Together with the thread of .my Lord's favour. Fid. So, sir 1 Snar. And all desire to live long and healthy : But ambition and luxury will not permit it. Fid. I hope you do not share in their desires ? Snar. There is other preposterous dealing too ; For nature cannot find herself amongst them, There's such effeminacy in both sexes, They cannot be distinguished asunder. And for your times and seasons of all ages ; Your best astrologer cannot discern them, Not spring from autumn ; you shall have a lady, 10 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. Whose cheek is like a screw, and every wrinkle Would look like a furrow, yet with a garnish Is so filled up and plaister'd that it looks As fresh as a new painted tavern, only — Fid. Hold there ! you'll run yourself out of breath else. And now resolve me of the Lord Philautus : Is all that true that is reported of him ] Snar. Who, he ] the most besotted on his beauty ; He studies nothing but to court himself: No musick but the harmony of his limbs, No work of art but his own symmetry Allures his sense to admiration, And then he comes forth so bath'd in perfumes, Had you no sense to guide you but your nose, You'd think him a musk-cat, he smells as rank As th' extreme unction of two funerals. Fid. My sense will ne'er be able to endure him. Snar. Such men as smell so, I suspect their savour. Fid. Is none his friend to tell him of his faults ] Snar. There want not some that seek to flatter him, For great men's vices are esteem'd as virtues. Fid. O, they are still in fashion ! in them A wry neck is a comely precedent : Disorder, disagreement in their lives And manners is thought regular, their actions Are still authentic, if it be received ; To be illiterate is a point of state. Snar. But the worst thing which I dislike in him, Which he does more by words than action : He gives out that the ladies dote upon him, And that he can command them at his pleasure, And swears there's scarce an honest woman. Fid. How? Snar. It is not well to say so, but, by this light, Holland's leaguer. 1 1 I am of his mind too. Fid. You are deceived, There are a thousand chaste. Snar. There was an age When Juno was a maid, and Jove had no beard, When miserable Atlas was not oppressed With such a sort of deities, and each Dined by himself: before ushers and pages Swarmed so, and banquets, and your masques came up Biding in coaches, visiting, and titles, So many plays, and Puritan preachings, That women might be chaste : now 'tis impossible. Now should I find such a prodigious faith, I'd honourt with a sacrifice. Fid. 'Tis ill To be incredulous, when charity Exacts your belief : but let that pass ! What will you say, if I find out a means To cure him of his folly 1 Snar. Then I pronounce The destruction of bedlam, and all mad folks Shall be thy patients. Fid. Nay, I'll do it, I'll make him in love and do it ! Sna. That's a cure Worse than any disease. I can as soon Believe a fire may be extinct with oil, Or a fever cooled with drinking of sack. Fid. Suspend your judgement, till I confirm you. Snar. No more ! stand by, here comes the parasite. That is Narcissus and this is his echo. Fid. What is he? Snar. One that feeds all men's humours that feed him, Can apprehend their jests before they speak them, And with a forced laughter play the midwife 12 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. To bring them forth, and carries still in store A plaudit when they break wind, or urine. He fits his master right, although he ne'er Took measure of him, and though he has not been Far from home yet will lie like a traveller. He'll rather vex you with officiousness Than you shall pass unsaluted : his business Is only to be busy, and his tongue's still walking, Though himself be one of the worst moveables : A confus'd lump leavened with knavery. Stand by a little, and let's hear his discourse ! Act I. Scene II. Ardelio, Jeffry, Fidelio, and Snarl. Ard. Jeffry, come hither ! Jef. Sir, I wait upon you. Ard. Jeffry, you know that I have ever been Indulgent to your knaveries. Jef. I thank your worship, you have ever been my friend. Ard. Winked at your faults. Jef. True. Ard, And the reason is, Because I still am welcome to thy wife. Jef. Your worship may be welcome there at all times. Ard. Honest Jetfry, thou shaltlose nothing by it, You know my authority in the house : my Lord Puts all the care into my hands, has left me The managing of his estate, because I know the way to humour him. Jef. That is an evident token of your worship's wisdom. Ard. And none of them have any place or being, Without my suffrance. HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 13 Jef Sir, you are of power to disperse us like atoms. Ard. Therefore I expect the reverence is due unto my place. Jef. And reason good. Ard. Well, for thy honest care, I mean to substitute thee under me In all inferior matters, for I mean To take my ease, and pamper up my genius As well as he. Only for entertainment, Or anything belongs unto the kitchen, Let me alone. Jef. Yes, sir, your providence Has shewed itself sufficiently that way. Ard. I'll take the air in his coach, eat of the best, And for my private drinking I will have My choice of wines, fiU'd out of vessels whose age Has worn their countries name out, and their own, Like some unthankful hospital or college, That has forgot the founder. Sua. To what purpose, I wonder, should nature create this fellow 1 He is good for nothing else, but to maintain The mutiny of the paunch against the members; Keep him from his whore, and his sack, and you Detain him from his centre. Ard. By the way, I will acquaint thee with a secret, Jeffry. Jef What's that, sir 1 Ard. I do love a pretty wench well. Jef 'Tis the only gentle humour that is extant. Ard. I will not leave my recreation that way For a whole empire ! 'tis my summum bonuut, My sole felicity, tickles my conceit. But, not a word. Jef. Not I, by any means, sir ! 14 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. Ard. And for this cause, I mean t' apply my- self Wholly to my venery. I feel this heat Renews my blood and makes me younger for it. And thou shalt keep one for me at thy house. Jef Where ! at my house 1 Ard. Ay, there ! a heavy burden Of fleshly desires daily grows upon me And ease works on my nature ; once a week When I am ballasted with wine and lust, I'll sail to my Canaries. Jef. And unlade there. Ard. Wilt keep her for me and let none come near her ] Jef. I have had such favour at your worship's hands, That should good fortune come in human shape To tempt your mistress, I'd not let her in. Ard. I'll procure thee the lease of thy house free, And when I have done, I'll see it sha'nt stand empty. Hast thou any good rooms for stowage there ? Jef. Spare rooms enough, sir ; why do you ask 1 Ard. Because I will convey away some house- hold stuff. That's not amiss 1 Jef. No, sir ! Ard. Tis quite against my nature to see any vacuum, Besides, 'tis not an age to be honest in. Jef. That's the highway to poverty. Ard. I mean to make the benefit of my place therefore, And when I have done I'd fain see all your artists, Your politicians with their instruments And plummets of wit, sound the depth of me. Jef. It lyes not in the reach of man to fathom it. HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 15 Ard. Were I set in a place of Justice now, They would admire me, how I should become it : Cough on the bench with state, sit in my nightcap, Stroke out an apophthem out of my beard, Frame a grave city face, jeer at offenders, Cry out upon the vices of the times, tempores, 7norums ! Sna. How the rank rascal Is over-grown with flesh and villany ! Ard. This getting of money is a mystery, Is to be learned before a man's alphabet, No matter how, 'tis supposed he that has it Is wise and virtuous, though he be obscure, A fugitive, and perjur'd, anything, He and his cause shall neither want for friends. He is the chick of the white hen, old Fortune : What e'er he treads upon shall be a rose, He shall be invited to his capon and custard, Hide to the Sheriffs a feasting on his foot-cloth, Possess the highest room, have the first carving, With please you eat of this or that, my noble, My right worshipful brother 1 Your rich men Shall strive to put their sons to be his pages, And their wives to be his concubines. Jef. Shall marry young ones a purpose for him. Sna. Very likely. Ard. No more, be gone ! I hear my Lord a coming. I'll send thee my wench; mark me, keep her close ! Jef. Believe me, not a breath of air comes near her, But what steals in at the window . Ard. 'Tis well said. Jef. But stay, sir, will she not be too great a charge To keep her to yourself? What if you hired her By the month as your factors do beyond sea, And when she is grown old and leaky, sir, 16 Holland's leaguer. Mend her i'th dock and fraught her o'er for Holland. Ard. Ay, o'er the Avater, 'twas well thought upon, I think an she were trimmed up, she would serve At last for such a voyage well enough. What wilt thou say, when I have done with her, If I do make thee master of my bottom 1 Jef. Who, me 1 The devil shall be the pilot first, Ere I come near their quicksands, their base roads : They have a dangerous quay to come into. Ard. What e'er the key be, still the door's kept fast. Jef. As strict as an alderman's at dinner time. Ay, and the way to hell is grown so narrow, A man's in danger to pass o'er, for if We reel beside the bridge, straight we shall fall Into a lake that will foully dight * us, Darker and deeper than Styx or Cocytus. Ard. Well rhymed, Jeffry ! this knave will come in time, By being often in my company, And gleaning but the refuse of my speech, T' arrive at some proportion of wit. But, to avoid suspicion, be gone ! [Exit Jeffry. Now would I see the man that should affront me. My Lord will straight be here, I'll entertain him, And talk as superciliously, and walk As stately as the Warden of a college, Until I have made a right pupil of him. Act I. Scene III. Snarl, Fidelio, and Ardelio. Sna. How now, Ardelio ! what 1 so melancholy 1 Ard. Faith, all this day I have been so employed With setting things in order, and provisions, * Dirty us. — "Dight," in Scotch, means to wipe down. HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 17 I can compare my pains to nothing less Than a Lord General's. Sna. Why. what's the matter ] Ard. Things must he ordered, and there's nothing Done unless I oversee it ; my industry Must marshal! the dishes, put the stools in rank, See the wood set upon the carriages, Sharpen the knives : all these witness my care, The very shining of the candlesticks Acknowledge my directions. Snar. 'Tis much ! The strange activity that some men have To dispatch business. Ard. Why, sir, did you never Hear how Apelles pictured Homer spewing, And all the poets gaping to receive it 1 Snar. Yes, and what then 1 Ard. In the same manner do I, Upon the hushers, the clarks, and the butlers, The cooks, and other officers, 'mongst whom I find to be a drought of understanding, Shower down the dregs of my counsel. Snar. They are like to be well edified. Ard. Here comes my Lord ! make room for my Lord's Grace ! Act I. Scene IV. Philautus, Triphcena, Trimalchio, Ardelio, Snarl, Fidelio. Ard. God save your Honour ! may your flourish- ing youth Enjoy an everlasting spring of beauty, And know no autumn. Phil. Thanks, good Ardelio ! Your wishes have effect : this is the tree B 18 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. Under whose shadow Flora builds her bower, And on whose branches hangs such tempting fruit, Would draw fair Atalanta from her course ; An altar on which Queens should sacrifice Their scorned loves. Nature will scarce believe It is her own invention, and repines She has no way to be incestuous. Triph. Mr Trimalchio, I am sick to hear him, I can't abide these repetitions, And tedious encomiums of himself ! Let you and I walk a turn in the garden. Trim. You are the only garden of my delight, And I your dear Adonis, honoured lady. [Exeunt Trimalchio, Triphcena. Phil. Ardelio, tell me how this suit becomes me ! Aral. Exactly well, sir, without controversy, And you wear it as neatly. Phil. Nay, I have A reasonable good tailor : I hope he has not Surveyed me so long but he knows my dimensions. I think I may venture i' th' presence with it. Ard. I' th' presence ] Ay, and love were th' pre- sence, You'd thrust Ganymede out of his office. Phil. What think you, gentlemen 1 Fid. We all do wish, Your beauty or your vanity were less, For, by this means, that which would else commend you Proves your disgrace : you take the edge of praise off Is due to you by too much whetting it. Phil. I should prove too injurious to myself, Should I pass over, with a slight regard, This building nature has solemnised With such magnificence, to which I owe The loves of ladies, and their daily presents, Their hourly solicitations with letters, HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 19 Their entertainments when I come, their plots They lay to view me, which, should I recount, 'Twould puzzel my arithmetic, and to answer Their unjust desires would ask the labours Of some ten stallions. Ard. And make all jades of them 1 Fid. You are the centre of all women's love then ? Phil. 'Tis true I have a strange attractive power Over your females ; did you never hear of Three Goddesses that strove on Ida hill, Naked before a shepherd, for a ball With an inscription " let the fairest have it 1 " Fid. And what of those 1 Phil. Bring them all three before me ! If I surprise them not all at first dash, If they fall not together by the ears for me, Nay, if they run not mad, and follow me As if they were drunk with a love potion, Ne'er trust a prognosticator again. Snar. But how if you should chance to meet Diana 1 Take heed of her, it is a testy girl, A profest virgin. Phil. 'Tis my ambition To meet with her, to bath my limbs with her In the same well, shoot in her bow, dance with her, And get the foremost of her troupe with child, And turn the rape on Jupiter. Snar. Fine, y' faith ! Fid. It seems that you are of opinion There is no text of womankind so holy, But may be corrupted, though a Deity. Phil. Ardelio,tell me what thou dost think of them. Ard. Who, I 1 ? hang me should I be questioned Now for my faith concerning articles Of women's chastity, I should be burnt For a rank heretic. I believe none of them. 20 Holland's leaguer. Fid. But I think otherwise ; and can justify it. What, if I bring you now unto a beauty As glorious as the sun, but in desire Cold as the middle region of the air, And free from all reflection of lust ? Phil. But shall I speak with her, and tempt her to it? Fid. You shall converse with her, and she shall feed Your sense with such discoursive influence, And a voice sweeter than the Lydian tunes, Jove would bow down his ear to, yet her blood Shall run as cold as julips through her veins ; The spring tide of her youth shall swell with more Delights than there be drops in April, yet she As chaste as Salmacis, amidst the streams.* Her eye shall sparkle like the diamond, And be as pure, her kisses soft and melting As the south wind, but undefil'd as Heaven : And you shall feel the elemental fire Of her unspotted love, and grieve, and swear She is so celestial and divine a creature, That's only hot in her effect, not nature. Phil. Why such a one would I converse with all; The conquest will be greater. Shall I see her 1 Fid. I'll bring you to her. Ard. He has a strong belief. I have no such confidence. She may be Lucrece And he a foolish Colatine f to brag of her ; But most of them in playing fast and loose Will cheat an oracle. I have a creature Before these Courtiers lick their lips at her I'll trust a wanton haggard J in the wind. This lady is his sister and my mistress, * A fountain of Caria, near Halicarnassus, which rendered effeminate all those who drank of its waters. + Tarquin. J A wild-hawk — metaphorically, a loose woman. Holland's leaguer. 21 Yet both unknown to him — some few years since, Her father jealous of my love, because I was a gentleman of no great fortune, Sent her away, and charged her by an oath To marry none till seven years were expired, Six parts of which are gone, yet she remains Constant to what she promised, though his death Has partly quit her. To live in her sight And not enjoy her is a heavenly torment, But unsufferable, I must live apart Till the prefixed minute be expired. In the meantime I'll work by some good means, To win his love, and draw him from his folly. But first by him I'll try her constancy : I must prepare her for his entertainment, Because she will admit no company, Nor will be known to any but myself. Come sir, let's go ! by that which shall ensue, You shall affirm what I relate is true. Act I. Scene V. Agurtes, Autolicus. Agu. Tis a dull age this ! Fame casts not her eyes On men of worth : Captains and commanders, Victorious abroad, are vanquished at home With poverty and disgrace ; they look as bad As Brutus, when he met his evil genius : Worse than they had been frighted from the ruins Of Isis' temple ; and you, sir, for your part, That have been brought up under me at my elbow, A daily witness unto all my projects, That might have got experience enough To cozen a whole State if they had trusted you, Now to be wanting to yourself, worn out, No name or title but on posts and trenchers, And doors scored with a coal, instead of chalk. 22 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. Are my hopes come to this ] Aut. What should I do 1 I have no thriving way to lie and flatter, Nor have I such dexterity of wit As you have, blest be heaven ! to convert Black into white. Agu. Nay, if you have no will Nor power to free yourself, you must resolve To stick in the dirt still. Aut. Nor can I promise The death of any by the stars. I have No rich man's funeral to solemnise, That left a gilt ring for my legacy, And his old velvet jerkin to survive him. I have no secret boils within my breast, For which I am feared, no suit in law to follow, No accusation 'gainst a great man, No house to let to farm, no tender wife To prostitute, or skill to corrupt others, And sleep amidst their wanton dialogues. Agu. I cry you mercy! you would fain be styled An honest politic fool, see all men's turns Served but your own ; so leave off to be good. For what is now accounted to be good ] Take a good lawyer or a good attorney, A citizen that's a good chapman : In a good sense what are they ] I would know Why a good gamester, or a good courtier ? Is't for their honest dealing ? Take a good poet, And if he write not bawdy lines and raptures, I'll not give a pin for him. Aut. Would you have me Act the plagiary and seek preferment, To be the drunken bard of some black stews And think my destiny well satisfied, When my shame feeds me, and at length expect A legacy becjueathed me from some Bawd, Holland's leaguer. 23 In lieu of my old service, or according To the proportion of my Hernia 1 Agu. Well, I perceive that I must once more take you To my protection, Avhich if I do I'll teach you better rules. You shall no more Commit your misery to loose papers, Nor court my Lord with panegyrics, nor make Strange anagrams of my Lady. You shall not need To deal for stale commodities, nor yet Send forth your privy hills without a seal To free you from your lodging, where you have Lain in most part of the vacation. You shall no longer run in score with your hostess For brown toasts and tobacco, but you shall leave Your open standings at the ends of lanes, Or your close coverts in tobacco shops, Where you give strict attendance like a sergeant, Until some antedated country cloak Pass by, whom you most impudently may Assault to borrow twelvepence ; but bear up Stiffly and with the best. Aut. How shall that be done 1 Agu. We will not call Tiresias* from the dead To show us how, as he did once Ulysses. You must resolve to learn virtue from others, Fortune from me. Aut. For that I'll make no scruple. Agu. I have a bird i'th' wind, I'll fly thee on him ! He shall be thy adventure, thy first quarry. Aut. What's he 1 Agu. A golden one that drops his feathers, That has received his patrimony, gives money For all acquaintance. When he first came up, His only search was for prime curtezans And those he entertained for mistresses, * A blind soothsayer of Thebes. 24 Holland's leaguer. Only sometimes to drink a health to them. The ladies too would use him for a cooler, But they suspect his silence, yet he uses Their names and titles as familiarly, As he had 1>ought them. Thou shalt hook him in And crack him like a nut. Aut. Is he not the son To the rich usurer that died so lately ? Agu. The same, that heaped up money by the bushel ; And now this studies how to scatter it. His father walks to see what becomes of it, And that's his torment after death. Ant. When shall I see him % Agu. He is to meet me here within this hour, Then take you an occasion to pass by, And I will whisper to him, privately, And praise thee, beyond Pyrrhus or Hannibal. You must talk and look big, 'twill be the grace on't. Ant. What, shall I turn a roarer % Agu. Anything, Broker or pandar, cheater or lifter, And steal like a Lacsedemonian. Observe what I do, and fill up the scene. Enter Boy. How now ! What news ? Boy. Sir, there's some five or six without to speak with you. Agu. How ! five or six ? Bmj. Yes, sir, and they pretend Great business. Agu. What manner of men are they ? Boy. They look like pictures of antiquity, And their cloaks seem to have bin the coverings Of some old monuments. Agn. They are my Gibeonites, Holland's leaguer. 25 Are come to traffic with me? Some design Is now on foot, and this is our Exchange time. These are my old projectors, and they make me The superintendent of their business. But still they shoot two or three bows too short, For want of money and adventurers. They have as many demurrers as the Chancery, And hatch more strange imaginations Than any dreaming philosopher : one of them Will undertake the making of bay salt For a penny a bushel to serve the State. Another dreams of building water-works, Drying of fens and marshes, like the Dutchmen. Another strives to raise his fortunes from Decayed bridges, and would exact a tribute From ale-houses and sign-posts ; some there are Would make a thorowfare for the whole kingdom, And office, where nature should give account For all she took and sent into the world. But they were born in an unlucky hour, For some unfortunate mischance or other Still come athwart them : well I must into them And feast them with new hopes, 'twill be good sport To hear how they dispute it pro and am. In the meantime, Autolicus, prepare To meet my Courtier. Aut. I have my cue, sir. Act II. Scene I. Agurtes, Trimalchio. Agu. 'Tis near about the time he promised. Trim. Boy, Go and dispatch those letters presently ! Return my service to the Lady Lautus, And carry back her watch, and diamond. 26 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. Ask if the duchess has been there to-day, And if you chance to see the Lord, her brother, Tell him I'll meet him at the Embassador's. Boy. I shall, sir. Aug. What ! M. Trimalchio 1 You are punctual to your hour. Trim. Sir, for your sake I can dispense with my occasions. You'll not imagine what a heavy stir, I had to come to-day. Agu. Why, what's the matter 1 Trim. No less than seven coaches to attend me — To fetch me nolens volens. Agu. Pray from whom 1 Trim. The Lord Philautus, and some minor nobles, Whose names I am loth should clog my memory. They strove for me as the seven Grecian cities Were said to wrangle about the blind poet. Agu. How got you rid of them 1 Trim. I had the grace To go with none of them ; made an excuse T' avoid their troublesome visitations. Agu. How do they relish your neglect of them ] Trim. I know not, yet I still abuse them all. Agu. How 1 not abuse them 1 Trim. I mean laugh at them. Some passages, some sprinkling of my wit, — No otherwise for which you little think How I am feared amongst them, how the ladies Are took with my conceits, how they admire My wit and judgment, trust me with their secrets Beyond their painter, or apothecary. I'll tell you in a Avord, but 'twill perplex you : I am their Lasanophorus.* * Adcravov. Cloaca, sella familiaris : locus aut vas ad de- ponenduui ventris onus, apud Hesi/ch. et Poll. i. 10. cap. 9. HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 27 Agu. Their piss-pot carrier. Trim. Their winged Mercury, to be employed On messages, and, for my company, They swear it is the element they move in. Agu. You are happy, Signiour Trimalchio. Trim. I thank my fates, they have not altogether Envied me. The fruition of such gifts Are worth the taking notice of, besides Some special helps of our own industry. I lately studied the Economics. Agu. What's that ? Trim. The ordering of my family. I have reduced it to a certain method. Agu. As how "? Trim. I'll tell you. Since my father's death First thing I did I cashiered his old servants, And, to avoid confusion and expense, I left the country to revel it here, I' th' view of the world, and in the sight of beauties ; And have confined myself unto some certain Appendices, some necessary implements, My single page, my groom, my coach, my foot-boy, And my two penitentionary whores. Agu. And these Are all your inventory 1 Trim. Stay, who comes here 1 Enter Autoliuus. Agu. 0, 'tis Autolicus ! My noble friend and brother of the sword. His stomach and his blade are of one temper, Of equal edge, and will eat flesh alike. He walks there melancholy ; to shew that worth Can pass unregarded, be proud to know him ! He is the shrewdest pated fellow breathing, The only engineer in Christendom, 28 Holland's leaguer. Will blow you up a carak like a squib, And row under water : th' Emperor. And Spinola by secret intelligence Have laid out for him any time this ten years, And twice he has escaped them by a trick. He is beyond Daedalus, or Archimedes, But lies concealed like a seminary, For fear the state should take notice of him. Machavill for policy was a dunce to him, And had he lived in Mahomet's days he had been His only counsellor for the Alcoran ! He is newly come from Holland : Trim. My body Is all of an itch to be acquainted with him ; Pray speak to him for me. Agu. Nay more ; he is able To make you a perfect statesman in a month, Able to be employed beyond the line. Trim. You will for ever thrall me to your service. Aug. Heark ye, Autolicus ! here's a gentleman, Who though he be the Phoebus of the court, So absolute in himself, that the desires Of all men tend towards him and has power Enough to wander in the Zodiac Of his own worth, yet craves your acquaintance. Aid. I take it, Senior Trimalchio. Trim. Do you know me then 1 Aug. By an instinct, sir, men of Quality Cannot lie hid. Trim. Indeed, my father's name Was Malchio, for my three additions Of valour, wit, and honour, 'tis enlarg'd To Mr Trimalchio : this is wonderful. Agu. Alas, 'tis nothing, sir, if you knew all. No ambuscado of the enemy, No treachery, or plot, but he foresees it. He was the first brought o'er the mystery Holland's leagulr. 29 Of building sconces here in England, — a trade That many live upon. Trim. A good commonwealth's man. Agu. But this is certain, once in a strait leaguer When they were close besieged, their ammunition And victuals most part spent, he found a means To yield the town on composition. Trim. Stand bye a while ! I must reward his virtues. Sir, will you please t'inlarge your disposition, T'accept a courtesy to bind me to you. Aid. I do not use to sell my liberty, But that I see your face promise true bounty. Trim. Have you skill in the face, sir 1 Aid. I were not fit else to be sty I'd traveller. Trim. How do you "find my looks inclin'd to State 1 Aut. Sir, you have won me to power out of my thoughts, And I must tell you plain they are too loose, Too scattered to pretend such an acumen, Too much displayed, and smooth. You must ha' quirks And strange meanders in your face t'express A State subtilty. I'll make it plain Hereafter by demonstration in the optics. Trim. Who would have lost the opportunity Of getting such a friend? Came you from Holland ? Aut. Yes, very lately. Trim. Pray what news from Holland t Aut. Holland's beleasrured ! Trim. What, all Holland beleaguered 1 Aut. And will hold out as long as Busse or Boloign, They have their moat and drawbridge. I have given them Besides a draught of a fortification, 30 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. Will hold them play this twelvemonth for they keep Their passage open, and want no supplies, For whosoever comes, they pay them soundly. The French have made many onslaughts upon them And still been foil'd. Trim. Is there such hot service there ? Aid. Crossing the lines a bath to it ! I had like Been scorcht to death by the intemperature Of the climate, 'tis the only Zona Torrida In the whole microcosm of man or woman, If you shall once come near the height of it 'Twill melt you like lightning. Trim. Shall's build a sconce there 1 Aid. If you please. Trim. Agreed ! Who is the leader of these fac- tious troops 1 Aid. A woman ! Trim. How ! a woman 1 Now r by this hand an Amazonian, A Tomarus,* a right Penthisile.f I'll view this leaguer by this light, and swim Like a Leander o'er the Hellespont That shall divide me from these heroines. Agu. 'Tis well resolved ! you are not married, sir 1 Trim. No, pox ! I know them too well for that ! I can use them for recreation or so. Agu. What think you of a rich widow 1 Trim. I'll none of them ! They are like old clothes that have been worn. Agu. I like you, that you care not for such relics ; But yet I think I have a match will fit you. An orphan, a young heir that has some thousands, Besides her possibilities, if you Can win her she is at her own disposing. * Tmarus. A soldier, in Virgil. + Penthesilea, an amazonian queen, slain by Achilles, or, as some say, by Pyrrhus. — Virg. ^En. i. 495. HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 31 There's one that knows her. Trim. By instinct, it may be. Aut. But for the pattern of true modesty, 'Tis seldom known, riches and virtue meet In such a mixture. Trim. Will you bring me to her 1 Agu. Ay, and perhaps persuade her to't, you know not. Let us secure this business first of all, And then we'll meet at the Leaguer. Aut. 'Tis good counsel. Trim. And I'll confirm All with a jointure. Agu. Well, 'tis done. I'll tell you more of her ; she is one Whose tender years have not yet aspired The height of wickedness, but may be brought To commit venery in her own language, And be content with one man ; has not robbed Young boys of their voices, knows not her flights And doubles, nor her labyrinths, through which The Minotaur, her husband, shall ne'er track her, Cannot indite with art nor give a censure Upon the lines are sent her, has no agents, No factors, pensioners, or champions, Nor has her tears fixed in their station, To flow at her command, and so confirm Her perjury ; not large in her expense, nor one That when she is dressed will call a conventicle Of young and old to pass their judgments on her, As if her life were guaged upon the matter. Nor carries an Ephemerides about with her, To which she ascribes your forked destiny ; Nor is her body crazy, neither takes she Physic for state, nor will rise up at midnight To eat her oysters, and drink wine till lust Dance in her veins, and till the house turns round 32 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. And she discern not 'twixt her head and tail ; Nor holdeth strange intelligence abroad To furnish her discourse with, neither takes she Her journey once a year to th' Bath, nor is So learned as to judge betwixt your poets Which of them writes best and fluent, nor yet Is grown an antiquary, to decide Matters in heraldry ; she has no fucus To catch your lips like birdlime, nor yet uses Restoratives more than the help of nature. I'll speak the noblest words I can, of you ; So many women on a mere report Do fall in love with men before they see them. Trim. Nay, when I see her I am sure of her. I have a little haste, I am to meet A Countess at th' Exchange within this hour ; Besides I have a catalogue of business, If I could think on't. So I take my leave. Farewell, gentlemen. Aut. Farewell, sir ! Agu. Farewell, sweet Monsieur Coxcomb ! This wench I so commended is my daughter, And if my skill not fails me, her I'll make A stale, to take this courtier in a freak. Act II. Scene II. Fidelio, Faustina. Fid. Is there no means t'absolve you of your oath 1 The blame on me, let the bright day no longer Envy the darkness that conceals such beauty. You are no votary, and yet force your youth To such a strict and solitary life, Which others, bound by vow, cannot perform. I wonder at the temper of your blood, HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 33 So differing from your sex, when your old women Do burn with lustful thoughts as with a fever, Yet you go on in the old track of virtue, Now over-grown with seeds of vice. Fau. Sweet, hear me ! It is a penance that I live reserved, Because my love to you was made abortive ; But when due time shall perfect in her womb, And bring it forth anew unto the birth, I will surrender up myself and it To your dispose. Let it suffice the while, I am no haunter of your public meetings, No entertainer nor no visitor ; Nor did I ever trust my Avand'ring eyes To view the glittering vanity of the world, Nor ever yet did sit a guilty witness To a lascivious and untuned discourse, Sounding to their fantastic actions. Fid. But I must beg one favour at your hands, And suffer no repulse. Fan. What is't 1 Fid. It may offend you. Fau. It shall not. Fid. Then know that I have boasted of your beauty ; Nay more, exposed thy virtues to the trial. Fau. You have not prostituted them on stalls, To have the vulgar fingers sweat upon them, As they do use upon your plays and pamphlets ? Fid. I am engaged to bring a Lord to see you. Fau. A Lord ] Fid. And you must use all art for his content, With music, songs, and dancing, such as are The stirrers of hot apetites. Fau. Prophane And idle wretch, to cast away thy hopes Upon a pandarly profession ! C 34 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. Or didst thou think that I could he corrupted To personate a strumpet's dalliance 1 I grieve for thee. Begone ! henceforth I'll live Immured for ever, as an anchorist, From him and thee, since thou hast wrong' d my love. Fid. Mistake me not, the difference 'twixt the poles Is not so great as betwixt me and baseness : Nor is't a sinister intent to make Your favours stale and common as a drug, Which are so dear to me, that both the Indies Are not of equal value to engross, But for a noble and peculiar end. Fan. This seems to me a paradox. Fid. 'Tis true. Fau. If it be so, 'tis granted ! speak it free. Fid. Then if it please you to grant relief To my desires, take them in brief ; I would have you first express All the skill that comeliness Can invent, to make you seem Fair and pleasant, as love's Queen, When she Anchises came to kiss On the banks of Simois. Call the graces, and suborn Them thy beauty to adorn, Thy face the table where love writes A thousand stories of delights : Make it all over, smooth and plain, But see you shadow it with disdain, Weave a net out of thy hair, A subtle net that may ensnare Such fond souls as shall aspire To come near the holy fire Of thine eyes, which were of late By Cupid's torch illuminate. Holland's leaguer. 35 Use all the delusive art That may captivate his heart. Fail. What's your intent in this 1 Fid. I'll have him punished ! He casts aspersions of disloyalty On all your sex, and you shall vindicate them When he is plunged in love irrevocable, As conquered by thy all-subduing look ; Then you shall bind him to conditions, As I shall first instruct you, shall redeem Him from his folly and next clear your honour. Fau. Your will's a law, and shall not be with- stood, When my ill's quited with another's good. Act II. Scene III. Agurtes, Autolicus, Margery. Agu. Margery, go call your mistress ! Aut. What is she 1 Agu. My daughter's maid, a wench fit for the purpose, Cunning as a whore. Besides, I have provided A bed and hangings, and a casting bottle,* And once a day a doctor to visit her. Enter Millescent. Millescent, come hither ! know this gentleman. Captain, here lies our venter, this is she, The rich Antonio's daughter, the great heir And niece to the grand Sophies of the city ; That has been wooed and sued to by great Lords, Aldermen's sons, and agents of all sorts. "O v * A bottle used for sprinkling perfumes, introduced about the middle of the sixteenth Century. — Also called a " casting- glass," in Ben Jonson, and Privy-purse expenses of Queen Mary. 36 Holland's leaguer. Thus we have spoke thy praise, wench — has not seen The man she likes yet, but her fortunes may Ordain her to some better choice, to the making Of some deserving man, which must needs be Trimalchio and no other ; how lik'st thou her 1 Aid. Hang me, so well, I think you may go on In a right line, she is worthy of a better : Few of your modern faces are so good. Agu. That's our comfort, she may put a good face on't. Mil. Let me alone, sir, to be impudent, To laugh them out of countenance, look skirvy, As a citizen's daughter new turned Madam. Marg. I warrant you, sir, my mistress and I Have practised our liripoop* together. Agu. Thou must insinuate strange things into her, Both of her virtue and nobility, The largeness of her dowry, besides jewels, Th' expected death of her old grandmother That has a blessing for her, if she marry According to her mind, keep him at distance, Make him believe 'tis hard to have access, And wait the happy hour, to be let in At the back door. Marg. Aye, and the fore-door too. Ant. Thou hast a noble wit, and spirit, wench, That never was ordained for any skinkardt T' engender with, or mechanic citizen, Unless it were to cuckold him ; thou shalt Be still i' th' front of any fashion, * In the present instance, " liripoop " may be considered synonymous with the modern cant term, " a lark " — a piece of fun. — " Practised our liripoop " — seen life. "There's agirle that knows her lerripoope" Lillys Mother Bombie. t Tapster. HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 37 And have thy several gowns and tires, take place, It is thy own, from all the city wives And summer birds in town, that once a year Come up to moulter, and then go down to th' country To jeer their neighbours, as they have been served. Agu. Nay more, if you can act it handsomely, You'll put a period to my undertakings, And save me all my labour of projecting, As putting out my money on return, From aqua pendente, or some unknown place That has as much ado to get a room I' th' map as a new Saint i' th' kalender. 'Twill dead all my device in making matches, My plots of architecture and erecting New amphitheatres, to draw the custom From playhouses once a week, and so pull A curse upon my head from the poor scoundrels. 'Twill hinder too the gain of courtiers, Put on by me to beg monopolies, To have a fixed share in the business. Nor need I trample up and down the country, To cheat with a Polonian, or false rings, Nor keep a tap-house o' th' Bank side, and make A stench worse than a brevvhouse, 'mongst my neighbours, Till I am grown so poor, that all my goods Are shipt away i'th bottom of a sculler. And then be driven t' inhabit some blind nook I' th' suburbs, and my utmost refuge be To keep a bawdy house, and be carted. Mil. Ne'er fear, sir. Agu. 'Tis well ! speak for thyself, girl. Mil. If I do not, let me be turned to ashes And they be buried in an urn so shallow, That boys may piss into it. Let me deal In nothing else but making sugar cakes, 38 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. Ointments and dentifrices. Let me serve Seven years' apprenticeship, and learn nothing else. But to preserve and candy. Let me marry With a pedant, and have no other dowry Than an old cast French hood. Let me live The scorn of chambermaids, and, after all, Turn a dry-nurse. Aut. You shall have trophies, wenches, Set up for you in honour of your wits, More than Herculean pillars, to advance Your fame to a non ultra, that whoever Shall read your history may not attempt To go beyond it. Agu. Well, prepare yourselves To entertain him ! Aut. Faith ! you need not doubt them To manage the business. Mil. Let us alone ! Agu. We leave the charge to your discretion. Act II. Scene IV. Enter Triphcena and Quartilla. Quar. Madam, in troth this grief does not be- come you, 'Tis an ill-dressing for so good a face, Yet you pursue it with such eagerness, As if you were ambitiously sad. 'Tis some invincible malignity Makes her untractable, deaf to all comfort. What might I guess the cause of this disaster ? Her monkey and her dog are both in health, I thank my providence ! only her monkey Is a little costive, but I'll physic him. Sure her intelligence arrived too late About the last new fashion, or the crime Holland's leaguer. 39 Lies in the sempster, or it must needs be Some other grand solecism in her tailor, What if it prove a capital offence Committed by the tire-woman 1 but I believe Some skirvy lady put it in her head, To practice a State melancholy, that first Begins in an imperious revolt, And frowning, and contempt of her own husband, And what she might recover by the law In case of separation, or a nullity, Which she already has took council of : Come, it is so ? Tri. Nay, tell me now, Quartilla, Can I behold the current of that love Should flow to me with a prodigious course, Run back to his own head, to have a husband That should grow old in admiration Of the rare choice he made in me, at last, As if there were a barrenness and want Of my perfections, dote upon himself ? I could plot against him ! pri'thee, Quartilla, How long hast thou been chaste 1 Quar. This chastity Is quite out of date, a mere absolute thing, Clean out of use, since I was first a maid. Why do I say a maid 1 Let Juno plague me, If I remember it, for I began Betimes, and so progrest from less to bigger, From boys to lads, and, as I grew in years, I writ my venery in a larger volume. Tri. Where's my brother 1 Quar. With his tutor, forsooth. Tri. I think that dull Prometheus was asleep When he did form him. Had he but so much As the least spark of salt that is in me, He would see me righted. Quar. He is very obtuse, 40 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. And so are many of your elder brothers. I carried all the wit from mine. When I Was young, I'd have looked a captain in the face, Answered him in the dialogue, and have stood On tiptoe to have kissed him. But for your brother, Do not despair, good madam ! what although His breeding be a little coarse, he may be A Lord in's time, now he has means enough ? Tri. I sent for him up hither to that purpose ; Put yet I am ashamed to have him seen, Or show him publicly. Quar. You have provided A tutor to instruct him, a rare man, One that has poisoned me with eloquence, I fear he will make my belly swell with it. Tri. Go call the novice hither, and his tutor ! [Exit Quartilla. And now I think on't, Mr Trimalchio Shall take him strait to Court with him, to learn And imitate his fashions, suck from him The quintessence of education. He is the only man I know, and for His face, it is the abstract of all beauty. Nor does his voice sound mortal ; I could dwell For ever on his lip, his very speech Would season a tragedy : nay more, there is A natural grace in all his actions. Act II. Scene V. Enter Triphcena, Quartilla, Capritio, and MlSCELLANIO. Tri. What, are you come 1 Tis well, advance yet forward ! We ever told you what a hateful vice This bashfulness was counted. Holland's leaguer. 41 Quar. You forget The theorems we 'told you. Lord, how often Shall we enforce these documents upon you 1 Cap. May not a man buy a brazen lace, think you, Among all this company 1 Quar. By no means, Your tradesmen will not part with them; there are Many i'th' city have such furniture, But they do keep them for their own wearing. Mis. Stand bye a while, let me salute these ladies ! Hail to these twins of honour and of beauty. Quar. Sir, you transgress in your opinion, If you consider both ; alas, my beauty Is much exhausted. Mis. Lady, you are deceived, For you are amiable, or else I have In vain so often exercised my judgment In the distinction of faces. Quar. I shall Be proud to be so seated in your favour. Tri. But tell me, Signiour Miscellanio, What think you of your pupil ] Mis. Troth, I found him As rude as any chaos, so confus'd I knew not which way to distinguish him. He seemed to me, not to participate Of any gentle nature ; never, I think, To fashion out a Mercury with such A crooked piece of timber, was attempted By a true traveller : but I hope in time To rectify him, for labor vincit omnia. Tri. Does he come on well, is there any hope He will receive his true dye, his right tincture ] Mis. I warrant you, that I'll make him in time A perfect cavaliero : he shall wear His clothes as well, and smell as rank as they, 42 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. And court his mistress, and talk idly : that's As much as can be required in a true gallant T'approve him one : nay, more too, he shall dance And do the half pomado,* play at gleek,f And promise more than e'er he will perform, And ne'er part with a penny to a tradesman Till he has beat him for't : shall walk the streets As gingerly as if he feared to hurt The ground he Avent on, whilst his cast down eye Holds commerce with his leg : shall utter nothing AVhate'er he thinks, yet swear't whate'er it be. Nay more, he shall vow love to all he sees, And damn himself to make them believe it, Shall fawn on all men, yet let his friend perish, For what he spends in one day on his punk For coach-hire. These are special properties, And must be often practised to remember, He shall never rise till it be ten o'clock, And so be ready against dinner-time. Cap. 'Slight ! and my father had not been an ass, I might have been able to have writ this down. Tri. Pray let me hear how he has profited. Mis. Salute these ladies as you were instructed. You must conceive the coldness of his courtship As yet points but one way ; you may suppose it To his disdainful mistress, when he shall come to The cape de bone speranza of her love, He may vary like the compass of his compliment. Cap. Lady, the fates have led me to your service To know myself unworthy of your favours. You let me so far win upon your bounty, That what I utter in humility May not cause my contempt, or have my love * Vaulting on a horse without the aid of stirrups. + A game of cards, played by three persons with forty-four cards, each hand having twelve, and eight being left for the stock. A gleek was three of the same cards in one hand together. HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 43 Shak'd off because 'tis ripe, but let me hang by The stalk of your mercy ; the remnant of whose life Lies in your power. Mis. Your oath now to confirm it, If she should chance to doubt or press you to it. Cap. That's true indeed. By the structure of your breasts, And by the silken knot that ties your hair Upon the top of your crown, I protest it. Quar. If he can persevere, 'tis excellent. Enter Tkimalchio. Trim. Where be these noble ladies 1 Tri. Sir, you are come in the most happy hour ! I was wishing for you. Trim. I am in haste, And only come to see you : there's a banquet Stands ready on the table, and the Lords Swear they will not sit down, until I come. Tri. You still are in such haste when you come hither. Trim. I think I must retire myself ; I am So sued and sought to where I come, I am grown Even weary of their loves. Last night at a masque, When none could be admitted, I was led in By the hand, by a great Lord, that shall be nameless, And now this morning early, in his chamber, A fencer would needs play with me at foils ; I hit him in three places, and disarmed him. Quar. Why, now my dream is out ! I lay last night Upon my back, and was adream'd of fighting. Tri. Sir, will you please to know these gentle- men 1 My brother and his tutor. Trim. I must crave pardon, 44 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. Is this your brother % Tri. Yes. Trim. I must embrace him. I never saw a man, in all my life, I so affected on the sudden. Sure There's some nobility does lurk within him That's not perspicuous to every eye : He promises so fair, I should have known him To be your brother, had you not told me so. Mis. Your method now of thanks. Cap. Eight noble sir, I have so often times been honoured And so much madefied — Quur. That word I taught him. Cap. With the distilling influence of yourbounty, That I must blame myself and my hard fortune, That has envied me the ability To render satisfaction. Mis. Very well. Tri. Sir, you must pardon him ! he is but a novice, Newly initiated, and 'tis his fault, That he is bashful. Trim. Is that all 1 I'll take him To court with me, where he shall be acquainted With pages, laundresses, and waiting-women, Shall teach him impudence enough. Tri. 'Tis my desire. Quar. His tutor has taught him the theory, Only he wants the practike. Trim. I pray you, sir, Without offence, may I demand of you, What do you profess 1 Mis. Why, sir, anything Within the compass of humanity ; To speak or act, no Pythagorean Could ever think upon so many shapes Holland's leaguer. 45 As I will put you in ; the French, the Spanish, Or the Italian garb — not any one But jointly all. I'll make a perfect man Out of the shreds of them. Quar. Besides the riding Of the great mare ; nay, sir, his very carvings, Even to the dissecting of a capon, Are lectures of anatomy. Trim. I shall Be proud to know him. Mis. Now I collect myself, Sure I have seen you, sir, in Padua, Or some face near like yours. Trim. I have indeed Received letters of invitation From one that's son to a Magnifico, Who is informed that I am very like him. Mis. There was the mistake then. Trim. Sir, had I power O'er my occasions, which now are urgent, I would most willingly employ the time In survey of your virtues. Mis. Sir, it has been The scope I ever aimed at in my travels To seek out and converse with such as have With foreign observations advanced Their natural endowments, and I thank My stars I have been ever fortunate To be beloved amongst them, and that you Are one I make no question. Trim. Sir, you need not. Mis. My mind was ever larger than to be Comprised within the limits of my country. And I congratulate my fate, in that I come so near the virtue of that planet That ruled at my nativity : whose nature, Which e'er it be, is ever to be wand'ring. 46 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. Trim. Sir, I must be abrupt, but for my promise Unto some noble friends that do expect me, I could not easily be drawn away From one in whom so many several graces Are so apparent, therefore I entreat you Not to impute it to my lack of judgment, Or neglect of your worth. Mis. By no means, sir. Friendship is turned into an injury When it usurps authority, conceive me, O'er a friend's business ; some other time Shall serve to give a mutual testimony Of love between us, and how much I honour you. Quar. When will you do this 1 Cap. I am practising. Triph. Prithee, Quartilla, help me stave them off. Although they have no mercy on themselves Yet we must use some conscience. Quar. Gentlemen, You'll break your wits with stretching them. For- bear, I beseech you ! Trim. My wit it never fails me, I have it at a certainty : I'll set it To run so many hours, and, when 'tis down, I can wind it up like a watch. But I fear I have deceived the time too long. Ladies, I'll take my leave of your fair beauties. You have No service to enjoin 1 Triph. You'll take my brother Capritio with you. Trim. If he please, and his tutor. Mis. My suffrage shall consent to anything Her ladyship approves. Quar. You must remember You prove not refractory to your discipline, HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 47 'Twill be much for your improvement. Trim. I'll bring him Unto a captain, shall set both our faces To look like the very Janus of a statesman, And so farewell. Come, sir ! [Exeunt Trimalchio, Capritio. Triph. I told you, Signiour, What a rare man he was. Mis. In all my travels I have not met the like ; not any one Was so mellifluous in his discourse. I think when he was young, some swarm of bees Did light upon his lips, as it was fained Of Hesiod. Triph. Let's in, for I shall mourn And melancholy be till his return. Act III. Scene I. Philautus, Ardelio. Phil. Ardelio, we are now alone, come tell me Truly, how does the vulgar voice pass on me 1 Ard. Why sir, the shallow currents of their brains Bun all into one stream, to make a deep, To bear the mighty burden of your fame. Phil. And 'tis all true they say 1 Ard. That you are most fair, A most exact, accomplished, gentle Lord, Not to be contradicted, 'tis a truth Above all truths, for where is any truth, That is agreed upon by all, but this 1 Phil. Such is the force of beauty, there is no- thing Can please without it, and whoever has it, 48 Holland's leaguer. As there be few, is adjudged happy in it. Ard. All this is true. Phil. Then he that has a pure And sublim'd beauty, 'tis a thing sensible, And cannot be denied, must be admired, And free from all detraction. Ard. This is true. Phil. He that excels in valour, wit, or honour, He that is rich or virtuous, may be envied, But love is the reward of beauty : no object Surprises more the eye, all that delight us. We ascribe beauty to it. Ard. All this is true, Phil. Look high or low ! 'tis true. Why are the stars Fixed in their orbs, but to adorn the heavens 1 And we adore their beauty more than light. Look on the arts, how they tend all to beauty, 'Tis their only end. He that builds a house Strives not so much for use as ornament, Nor does your orator compose a speech With lesser care to have it elegant Than moving ; and your limner does observe The trim, and dress, more than the rules of painting. Ard. All truth, and oracles. Phil. Look on a fair ship, And you will say 'tis very beautiful. A General rejoices in the title Of a fair army. I'll come nearer to you ; Who were thought worthy to be deified, But such as were found beautiful 1 For this cause, Jove took up Ganymede from Ida hill To fill him wine and go a hunting with him. Ard. 'Tis too much truth to be spoke at one time. Phil. It shall suffice, but yet you know that man Holland's leaguer. 49 May safely venture to go on his way, That is so guided, that he cannot stray. Enter Fidelio. How now ! hast thou obtained in thy request 1 Fid. I have with much entreaty gained your admittance. Phil. Let me embrace my better genius. Fid. I do not use the profession. Phil. Tis an art Will make thee thrive ; will she be coy enough 1 To tell you true, I take a more delight In the perplexity of wooing them, Than the enjoying. Fid. She is as I told you. Phil. If she be otherwise than I conceive, A pox on the augury. Fid. But hark you, sir, You need not be known who you are. Phil. For that, Trust to my care ; come, let us go about it ! Some men may term it lust, but, if it hit, The better part shall be ascribed to wit. Act III. Scene II. Trimalchio, Capritio, Agurtes, Autolicus. Trim. How goes our matters forward ? Agu. Very well, sir, For I have made your entrance open ; told her All that I can to grace you, that you are Exactly qualified, unparalleled, For your rare parts of mind and body, full Of rare bounty, and that she likes best in you. She holds it a good argument you will Maintain her well hereafter, marry else D 50 Holland's leaguer. She is natural covetous, but that's A point of housewivery, she does not care You should spend much upon yourself, and can Dispense with house keeping, so you allow her To keep her state, her coach, and the fashion ; These things she means to article beforehand. I tell you what you must trust to. Trim. Very well, sir. Agu. Now see that you be circumspect, and fail not In the least circumstance ; you may do somewhat Extraordinary, at the first meeting. For when she has conceived of your good nature, The less will be expected. Trim. Why, the captain Has put me in a form. Agu. Of words he has, But you must do the deeds. Trim. Ay, so I will ! For look you, sir, T have the several graces Of four nations, in imitation Of the four elements, that make a man Concur to my perfection. Agu. As how 1 Trim. I am in my compliment, an Italian, In my heart a Spaniard, In my disease a Frenchman, And in mine appetite an Hungarian. Agu. All these are good and commendable things In a Companion, but your subtle women Take not a man's desert on trust, they must See and feel something. What you give her now, You make her but the keeper, 'tis your own, You win her by it ; I should be loth to see you Out-done with courtesies : what if some gull, That has more land than you, should interpose it, Holland's leaguer. 51 And make eclipse between you 1 Tis a fear ! Therefore you must be sudden and dispatch it, For she is ticklish as any haggard, And quickly lost ; she is very humoursome. Trim. I'll fit her then ! I am as humoursome As herself, I have all the four humours. J am hot, I am cold. I am dry, and I am moist. Agu. I must be like the Satyr, then, and leave you, If you are hot and cold. Trim. you mistake me. I am hot in my ambition, I am dry in my jests, I am cold in my charity, And moist in my luxury. Aid, Sir, for the gentlewoman that is with her, Not so much in the nature of a servant As her companion ; for 'tis the fashion Amongst your great ones, to have those wait on them As good as themselves. She is the sole daughter To a great knight, and has an ample dowry. Apply yourself to her, though it be nothing Else but to practice courtship, and to keep you From sleep and idleness. Cap. I shall be ruled By you in anything. Aut. You shall not do Amiss then. What 1 You may get her good will, And then object it to your friends ; you can Advance yourself without their counsel. Cap. Counsel 1 1 still scorned that. Trim. Captain, a word with you ; 52 Holland's leaguer. "Were I not best look like a statesman, think you 1 Aut. What, to a woman 1 'twere a solecism In nature, for you know Cupid's a boy, And would you tire him like a senator, And put a declamation in his mouth 1 'Twere a mere madness in you ! Here they come ! See what a majesty she bears. Go meet her ! Act III. Scene III. Trimalchio, Capritio, Agurtes, Autolicus, Milliscent, Margery. Trim. Stand by ! it is my happiness invites me. that I could appear like Jupiter Unto his Semele. Agn. Why, would you burn her 1 Trim. Yes, with my love I would. Most luculent lady, After the late collection of my spirits, Lost in the admiration of your beauty, Let me crave pardon. Milk. Sir, for what 1 Trihn. My boldness. Mile. I apprehend none. Trim. You must pardon me, For I am jealous of the least digression: And you may justly frown. Mille. I should be loth To acknowledge so much from you. Trim. Lady, you have those fair additions Of wealth and parentage, join'd to your virtues, That I may justly suspect your disdain. But, by my hopes, I do not court your fortunes, But you. Mille. Believe me, no deserving man Shall be the less esteemed for that, where I find Holland's leaguer. 53 Ability to govern what I bring him, 'Tis that I value : things that are without me, I count them not my own. Trim. 'Tis a speech, lady, Worthy an Empress. I am a made man, Since you have cleared the heaven of your brow : Now by that light I swear, a brighter day Ne'er broke upon me. Agu. Sir, I hope this lady Shall have no cause to repent your admittance ) MiUe. Sir, for my part, since virtue is my guard, I do not only keep my doors still open, But my breast too, for gentlemen of merit. Trim. Now by this air, that does report your voice With a sound more than mortal; by your fair eyes, And as I hope to be enrolled your servant, I honour the meanest stitch in your garment. Milk. I would not wish you place your love upon A thing so mean, so likely to be cast off. Trim. divine counsel ! that so rare a beauty Should mix with wisdom : these words are not lost. I am your slave for ever. I'll go hire Six poets to sing your praise, and I myself Will be the seventh to make up the consort. Aut. You see your friend there, Mr Trimalchio, Is like to speed, and fairly on his way To much happiness. I would not willingly That any should miscarry in a plot That I have a hand in : You must be sudden I told you, if you meant to be a favourite To fortune and your mistress, and be bold. Cap. If I had spoke to her, the brunt were past. Aut. Aye, then the ice were broke ; now she makes towards you ! 54 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 'Tis the best time, let no occasion slip. Cap. Lady, advance the pinnacle of your thoughts, And enlarge the quadrangle of your heart, To entertain a man of men. Aut. A man Of means, sweet lady, that I can assure you. Marg. He's so much the more welcome, I assure you. Aut. You are welcome by this means, do you mark that 1 Cap. Some three thousand a-year, or there- abouts. Alas, I value it not, 'twill serve to trifle In pins, and gloves, and toys, and banquets. Marg. 'Tis much One of such tender years should step so soon Into the world. Cap. Indeed, the spring of my courtship Has been somewhat backward, but I will strive To redeem it : I have some seeds a-growing Shall make m' ere long spread like a gentleman, And you shall say so too. Marg. I do believe it. Cap. Nay, whe'er you do or no, 'tis no great matter. Aut. Be not capricious. Cap. My name's Capritio. There be in town of the Capritios, Come from our house, that shall approve it so. Aut. What will you say, if I show you a way To get a general credit 1 Cap. Can you do it 1 Aut. I can and will. I'll have you, out of hand, The master of a good horse and a good dog, And be known by them. Cap. Will that do it ? Aut. Will it 1 Holland's leaguer. 55 Why, when you once have matched your horse, or dog, The adverse party being a man of note, 'Twill raise an inquisition after you. " Who's is the horse?" says one, " Mr Capritio's !" " What he 1 " says another, " a noble gentleman ! " 'Twill draw the eyes of a whole shire upon you, Besides the citizens that go down to bet. Cap. Why, this is rare indeed ! Aut. And then 'twill furnish you With fitting discourse for any man's table. A horse and a dog, no better a subject To exercise your tongue in, many ladies Talk in that dialogue ; besides, there being A kind of near relation in the nature Of you and those beasts, the good qualities That are in them may be thought to be yours. Cap. I'll buy me a dancing horse that can caper, And have him called Capritio, by my name ! Aut. You may do so. Cap. Lady, by your leave, I will. Mar. Sir, what you please. Aut. Her desires go with yours. Observe but what a wife she's like to prove, That is no more imperious being a mistress. Cap. Brother, come hither ! Trim. I am busy here. How do you like the fabric of this watch 1 Mil. Pray, let me see it ! — a rare piece of work ! Trim. It cost me twelve pound, by this light, this morning. Mil. But that it was so dear I would have begged it. Trim. 'Tis at your service, lady. Mil. I'll make use of Your courtesy, with many thanks, sir. Trim. Nay, but 56 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. You must not have it. .' Mil. Will you go from your word 1 Trim. I'll give you as good, but this is none of mine ; By this hand, I borrowed it. Mil. You said you bought it. Trim. I said so indeed. Mil. You should do well to buy you A better memory, as I shall hereafter, To keep at distance from you. [Exit MiMescerif. Agu. Is she gone ? Trim. Gone in a fume. Agu. How did you anger her 1 Trim. She would have begged my watch, and I excused it. Agu. She beg your watch 1 ? She scorns to beg anything ; She has more than she can tell what to do with. Perhaps she longed for yours, and would receive it As a courtesy. Why would you shew it her Unless you meant to part with it ] Trim. I know not : I think my wit was cramped. Agu. You must ne'er look for The like occasion offered you ; why, this Was such a time to win her love ! a gift Would put her every hour in mind of you. Trim. What shall I do 1 Agu. Best send it after her. Trim. Do you carry it ; tell her withall, I'll send her A coach and four horses, to make her amends. Agu. Give me the watch ! if I do make all good Will you perform your promise 1 Trim. By my life ! I'll send them without fail immediately. HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 57 Ago,. I'll after her and see what I can do. [ Exit Agwtes. Cap. Stand for a watch? here, take this diamond ! Nay, do not wrong me, I have sworn you shall, Were it as good as that which was made precious By Berenice's finger, which Agrippa Gave his incestuous sister, you should have it. What ! do you think I am an ass ] No, sir, "lis he has taught me wit. Ant. And are you happy, That can be wise by other men's examples ? Cap. What ! should I lose my mistress for a toy ? Trin. Lead on, good brother ! I am all of a sweat, Until some gale of comfort blow upon me. [Exeunt. • Act III. Scene IV. Philautus, Fidelio, Faustina. Fid. You see that I have brought you to the treasure, And the rich garden of th' Hesperides ; If you can charm those ever watchful eyes That keep the tree, then you may pull the fruit, And, after, glory in the spoil of honour. Phil. Prithee, let me alone with her. Fid. I'll leave you. [Exit Fidelio. Phil. Lady, my preface is to know your name. Fan. Faustina, sir. Phil. I may be happy in you. I have a sister somewhere of that name, That in her youth did promise such a feature, And hopes of future excellence : she had A beauty mixed with majesty, would draw From the beholders love and reverence. And I do ill, methinks, with unchaste thoughts To sin against her memory. This task 58 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. Would I were rid of; but I'll venture. Lady, You are not blind, I conceive. Fau. No sir, I have not Yet seen a thing so strongly sensible, To hurt my eyesight. Phil. Then I hope you can Take notice of a gentleman's good parts, Without a periphrasis. Fau. What's that ] Phil. A figure, Needless at this time to explain my deserts, So easy and apparent to be seen. Fau. I dare not envy, nor detract, where worth Does challenge due relation of respect : Nor is my wit so curious, to make A gloss or comment on your qualities. Phil. 'Tis too much labour, 'twere a task would dull The edge of rhetoric, to describe them rightly ; Nor would I have them dwell upon your tongue, But fixed in your thoughts, there let them move, Till they meet in conjunction with your love ; Nature would boast so sweet a sympathy. Fau. I should be sorry, if my understanding Moved in so poor a circle as your praise ; I have not leisure to take notice of it. Is this all you have to say ] Phil. No, I have more ; But love is slow to dictate to my voavs ; And yet those sacred and divine impulsions Strike truer than my heart, and, by his power That has inflamed me, here I swear I love you. Fau. Your oaths and love are made of the same air, Both die in their conception : quickly uttered, And as easily not believed. Phil. -Nay, now you wrong HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 59 My true intent. Fail. Suppose I grant you love me, What would you infer 1 Phil. That you should speak the like, And with the same affection. Fern. If your love Be not a bawd unto some base desire, I do return the like. Phil. I know not how You may interpret it, but sure the law, And the command of nature, is no baseness, A thing that Jove himself has dignified, And in his rapes confessed the god of love The greater of the two, whom Kings have stooped to. "We are allowed to enjoy some stolen delights, So we be secret in't ; for 'tis set down By such as in this art have skilful been, W'are not forbid to act, but to be seen. Fau. Upon these terms, I do deny you love me. 'Twas lust that flattered sin, made love a god, And, to get freedom for his thefts, they gave Madness the title of a deity. For how can that be love, which seeks the ruin Of his own object, and the thing beloved 1 No, true love is pure affection, That gives the soul transparent, and not that That's conversant in beastly appetites. Phil. Tell me not of your philosophical love. I am a fool to linger, women's denial Is but easy cruelty, and they Love to be forced sometimes. Fau. Pray, know your distance. Phil. Come, you dissemble, and you all are willing. Fau. To what 1 Phil. There's none of you but feel the smart Of a libidinous sting ; else wherefore are 60 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. Those baits and strong allurements to entice us 1 Wherefore are all your sleekings, and your curlings, Crispings, and paintings, and your shin made soft, And your face smooth with ointments ; then your gait Confined to measure, and composed by art, Besides the wanton petulancy of your e}*es, That scatter flames with doubtful motion, Unless it were to prostitute your beauty 1 Fan. I'll give account for none, sir, but myself, And that I'll speak : before my virgin zone Shall be untied by any unchaste hand, Nature shall suffer dissolution. But whate'er others be, methinks your worth Should not pretend to an ignoble action. Phil. Now, by this light, I think you'll moralize me. Fau. 'Tis my desire you should go better from me, Than you came hither : you have some good parts But they are all exterior, and these breed A self-conceit, an affectation in you, And what more odious 1 Some applaud you in it, As parasites, but wise men laugh at you. Will you employ those gifts that may commend you, And add a grace to goodness, had you any, In the pursuit of vice, that renders you Worthy of nought but pity 1 Phil. I came as to A whore, but shall return as from a saint. Fau. Then leave to prosecute the foggy vapours Of a gross pleasure, that involves the soul In clouds of infamy. I wonder, one So complete in the structure of his body, Should have his mind so disproportioned, The lineaments of virtue quite defaced. HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 61 Phil. I am subdued ! she has converted me. I see within the mirror of her goodness, The foulness of my folly. Sweet, instruct me, And I will style thee my Algeria. Fau. It is a shame, that man that has the seeds Of virtue in him, springing unto glory, Should make his soul degenerous with sin, And slave to luxury, to drown his spirits In lees of sloth, to yield up the weak day To wine, to lust, and banquets. Phil. Here's a woman ! The soul of Hercules has got into her. She has a spirit, is more masculine Than the first gender : how her speech has filled me With love and wonder ! sweet lady, proceed. Fau. I would have you proceed and seek for fame In brave exploits, like those that snatch their honour Out of the, talents of the Roman Eagle, And pull her golden feathers in the field. Those are brave men, not you that stay at home, And dress yourself up, like a pageant, With thousand antic and exotic shapes ; That make an idol of a looking glass, Sprucing yourself two hours by it, with such Gestures and postures, that a waiting wench Would be ashamed of you, and then come forth T' adore your mistress' fan or tell your dream, Ravish a kiss from her white glove, and then Compare it with her hand, to praise her gown, Her Tire, and discourse of the fashion : Make discovery, which lady paints, which not, Which lord plays best at gleek, which best at racket. These are fine elements ! 62 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. Phil. You have redeemed me, And with the sunny beams of your good counsel Disperst the mist that hung so heavy on me : And that you may perceive it takes effect, I'll to the wars immediately. Fau. Why, then I must confess I shall love you the better. Phil. I will begin it in your happy omen : But first confess, that you have vanquished me. And if I shall o'ercome an enemy Yield you the trophies of the victory Fau. Please you walk in the while. Phil. I shall attend you. [Exit Faustina. Henceforth I'll strive to fly the sight of pleasure, As of an harpy or a basilisk, And, when she flatters, seal my ears with wax Took from that boat, that rowed with a deaf oar From the sweet tunes of the Sicilian shore. Enter Trimalchio, Capritio, Fidelio, Ardelio, and Snarl. Trim. Are you for the war, indeed 1 Phil. Immediately. Is there any of you will go along with me, Besides this gentleman 1 Trim. I think, nobody. Phil. Ardelio, thou art my faithful servant. Ard. Alas sir, My body is fat, and spungy, penetrable, And the least cold will kill me. Sua. Yet his face Is hatched with impudency, threefold thick. Ard. I am not for your trenches and cold cramps, Their discipline will quickly bring me under ; I'll stay at home, and look to your business. Phil. Brother Capritio, what say you to it 1 Cap. Who, 1 1 od's lid ! I am not such an ass, Holland's leaguer. G3 To go amongst them, like you volunteers, That, frighted worse at home with debt and danger, Travel abroad i'th' summer to see service, And then come home i'th' winter, to drink sack. I am none of those ; I'll hardly trust myself In the artillery yard, for fear of mischief. Phil. Mr Trimalchio, you are young and lusty, Full of ambitious thoughts. Trim. 'Tis true, indeed, That I am grown ambitious of honour, And mean to purchase it. Sna. But with no danger Of life and hope. Trim. T mean to hazard a limb for it. Phil. Why, whither are you going 1 Trim. To the Leaguer, Upon the same employment that Hercules Did once against the Amazons. Sna. And I "Will stay at home and write their annals for them. Phil. Stay all at home, and hug your igno- minies, And whilst we spoil the enemy, may you Be pil'd by pimps, cheaters intrench upon you. Let bawds and their issues join with you. Marry With whores, and let projectors rifle for you. And so I leave you. Trim. We shall hear of you, By the next caranto, I make no doubt of it. Act IV. Scene I. Enter Trimalchio and Cafkitio. Trim. Brother Capritio, are you well provided With amunition ] armed cap a pie. 64 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. To scale the fort of our Semiramis 1 Cap. I am appointed, brother. Trim. Then let us on And beat a parley at the gates. So, ho ! Enter Pandar. Pand. How now, what bold adventurers be here 1 What desperate rudeness tempts you to your ruin \ Here are no geese to keep our capitol, But men of arms, you slaves, stout imps of Mars, Giants, sons of the earth, that shall rise up, Like Cadmus' progeny, to fight it out, Till you are all consumed. Have you any gold ? 'Tis that must break our gates ope ; there are lock'd, A score of Danaes, wenches of delight, Within this castle, if 1 list to show you Where Circe keeps her residence, that shall, If she but lay her rod upon your necks, Transform you into apes, and swine, you sheep's face. If thou shalt once but drink of her enchantments, She'll make a lion of thee. Cap. Alas, sir, I had rather look like an ass, as I am still. Trim. Be not too boistrous, my son of thunder ! We are well-wishers to thy camp, and thee. Here is a freshman, I would have acquainted With the mystery of your iniquity. Pan, I do embrace thy league, and return the hand Of friendship. To thy better understanding, I will discover the situation of the place. 'Tis of itself an island, a mere swan's nest, Which had Ulysses seen, he would prefer Before his Ithaca, and he whom fate Shall bless to vanquish it, he may deserve HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 65 The name of a new conqueror. It has The credit to be styled the Terra Jlorida, Of the best beauties in the town, my friend, That repair hither upon the least summons, Besides some that are constant to their trenches ; Venus in this house is predominant. 'Tis barren, I confess, yet wholly given To the deeds of fructification. But those Are barred from coming to perfection With rheums, and diseases. You dormice ! What, must I read a lecture to you gratis ] Trim. No, sir, here's money for you. Pand. You may enter, And return safe, upon your good behaviour. Act IV. Scene II. Bawd, Two Whores. Bawd. Well, they may talk of Dunkirk or of Callis, Enriched with foreign booties, but if ever A little garrison, or sconce, as this, Were so filled up with spoils, let me be carted. 1 Who. And carry it so cunningly away, Beyond the reach of justice, and of all The jurisdiction in our own hand, Like a free state. Bawd. Did not I purchase it 1 And am I not the lady of the manor 1 And who shall dare to question me 1 I hope, I shall be able to defend my fort From the invasion of the painted staff, Or the tempestuous paper-engine, safe, As a mole in a trench, and work at high midnight. When their wise heads are laid, we'll raise the spirits Of our dead pleasures, use the benefit Of youth, and dance our orgies by the moonlight. E 6G HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 1 Who. I hope they need not to condemn us, we drive As open trade as they, and vent as ill Commodities as any ; all that we utter Is in dark shops, or else by candle-light. 2 Who. We are become the envy of citizens. 1 Who. It is reported that we study physic. Bawd. Why so 1 1 Who. The reason is, because we know The several constitutions of men's bodies. 2 Who. And some term us the Leaguer.* Bawd. We defy The force of any man. Who's that knocks so 1 Go bid the watch look out, and if their number Be not too plural, then let them come in ! But if they chance to be those ruffian soldiers, Let fall the port-cullis. All they can do Is to discharge a volley of oaths at me. I'll take no tickets nor no future stipends. 'Tis not false titles, or denominations Of offices can do it. I must have money, Tell them so! draw the bridge! (Exit 1st //'.) I'll make them know This is no widow's house, but Marcus Manitius Is Lord of the Island. Who was't 1 1 //7/o. (Re-entering). The Constable ! Bawd. What would he have 1 2 Who. You know his business. Bawd. Pox on the Marshal and the Constable ! There cannot be a mystery in a trade, But they must peep into it. Merciless varlets, That know how many fall by our occupation, And yet would have their venery for nothing. A chambermaid can't have a ruff to set, But they must be poking in it ! * We will hind and hoodwink him so, that he shall suppose no other but that he is carried into the leaguer of the adver- saries, when we bring him to our own tents. — Shakespeare. HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 67 Now, they have brought us under contribution, They vex us more than the Venetians do The whole corporation of courtezans ; But Ave must give good words. Shew them a room ! Enter Ardelio. Ard. There's hot service within, I hear the muskets Play from the rampiers. I am valiant, And will venture upon the very mouths of them. Baiol. Mr Ardelio, you have been a stranger. You are grown rich of late. Ard. Who, I grown rich 1 Bawd. Yes, somewhat pursey for want of exercise. Ard. Well, I was wont to put in for a gamester, But now I am quite thrust out of all play. Bated. We were wont to be your subjects to work on, And since you scorn us, yet you cannot say But you have found good dealing at our hands. 2 Who. We have been always bent to your worship's will, And forward to help you on at all time. Ard. Come, you are good wenches. Bawd. Truly, sir, you know I keep as good creatures at livery, And as cheap too, as any poor sinner Of my profession. Ard. Hast thou e'er a morsel That is not tainted or fly blown? Bawd. Indeed I have So much ado to keep my family sound, You would wonder at it ; and such as arc so They are taken up presently. But I have one, I dare commend to you, for wind and limb. Ard. Come, let me have her then. Bawd. Please you walk in, sir ! [Exit Ardelio. 68 Holland's leaguer. Enter Miscellanio. Mis. It's strange there is no more attendance given, To usher in a man of my quality. Are you the governess of this Cinqueport, lady 1 Bawd. The fortress, sir, is mine, and none come here But pay me custom. Mis. Hast thou ne'er a pilot, Or man of war to conduct a man safe Into thy harbour ] there be rogues abroad : Piratical varlets that would pillage me. Bawd. Very well, sir. Mis. I thought at first, you would have bar'd my entrance. Bawd. I do not use the fashions of those countries That keep a stranger out four weeks at sea, To know if he be sound. I make no scruple, But give free traffic to all nations. If you have paid your due, you may put in ; There is the way ! I'll follow presently. [Exit Miscellanio. I think our soldiers are all come, let's in And set the watch. Enter Trimalchio, Capritio. Trim. Stay, punk ! make room for us, That have advanced our banners to thy walls, Past all the pikes, the perdues, and the sentries. 'Tis a good omen ! where's Bellona there, And the daughters of Mars, those brave girls ? "We are come to pay our homage to their smocks. Bated. Nay, if you are unruly we shall tame you. Trim. Fear not, we are tributaries, punk. Bawd. Sir, do you speak with no more reverence To me 1 it seems you know me not. Trim. I shall Endeavour to preserve thy dignity. HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 69 Art thou that brave Hippolite,* that governs This troop of Scythians 1 speak Orithyia,t My Menalippe,J my Antiope ! We are sworn vassals to your petticoats. Bawd. Did you attempt but the least injury, There be in readiness would vindicate The wrongs and credit of my house. Trim. I know Thy power, punk, and do submit me, punk, Tarn Marti, quam veneri. 'Tis thy motto, punk. Cap. Would I could tell how to get out again. Bawd. How came you in ] have you performed all duties 1 Trim. I threw thy Cerberus a sleepy morsel, And paid thy Charon for my waftage over, And I have a golden sprig for my Proserpine. Bawd. Then you are welcome, sir. Trim. Nay, I do honour Thee and thy house, and all thy vermin in't, And thou dost well to stand upon thy guard Spite of the statutes. 'Tis a castle this, A fort, a metropolitan bawdy house : A Cynosarges, such as Hercules Built in the honour of his pedigree, For entertainment of the bastard issue Of the bold Spartan. Bawd. You have said enough, sir, And, for requital, I will shew you in Where you shall read the titles, and the prices. Trim. But here's a brother of mine is somewhat bashful : * A queen of the Amazons, vanquished by Hercules, who gave her to his companion, Theseus, by whom she had a son called Hippolytus. She was also called Antiope. ■f* One of the Amazons. J A sister of Antiope, taken by Hercules when he made war against the Amazons. He received as her ransom the arms and girdle of the Amazonian queen. Juc. 8. v. 229, This capture of the girdle achieved his ninth labour. 70 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. I'd fain deliver to thy discipline. Bawd. What, is he bashful 1 that's a fault indeed. Come hither, chops ! you must not be so shamefaced. Trim. Lo ! you there, sir ? you shall come forth in print. March on, my Calypso ! come, sir, follow your colours ! You shall have the leading of the first title. Act IV. Scene III. Agurtes like a Constable : Autolicus, Snarl, Ufa Watchmen. Agu. Are your disguises ready 1 Aid. I have mine. Snar. Mine's in my pocket. Agu. Put it on your face ! Now they are housed, I'll watch their coming forth, And fright them in the form of a Constable ! If that succeeds well, then I'll change the person, To a Justice of peace, and you shall act My clerk, Autolicus. They say an officer Dares not appear about the gates : I'll try it ! For I have made one drunk and got his staff, Which I will use with more authority, Than Mercury his all commanding rod, To charm their steps, that none shall pass this way Without examination. There stalks one ! [Ardelio passes by. I'll first know what he is ; now they drop away, As if they leapt out from the Trojan Horse : This is the autumn of the night. Who goes there 1 Ard. A friend ! Aut. Friend or foe, come before the Constable. Agu. Whence come you, friend ? Ard. And't please you, sir, I have Been waiting on my niece home to her lodging. Agu. Why, is your niece a Leaguer, a suttler, Holland's leaguer. 71 Or Laundress to this fort 1 Ard. No, and it like you, She lyes without the cam]). Agu. You lie like a pimp ! You are an apple squire,* a rat, and a ferret. I saw you bolt out from that coney-berry.f Ard. Mr Constable. Agu. Out of the wind of me ! what, do you think You can put out the eyes of a gorcrow ] X Fob me off so, — the Constable that have The parish stock of wit in my hands 1 I am glad That I have got you from your covert : you shall Be searched ! you shall along with me, sir ! Ard. Whither] Agu, No farther than to prison, where you shall pay But forty shillings for noctivagation. Ard, I am undone then. There are forty old scores I owe in town will follow after me. Agu. What are you ] what's your name 1 Ard. Ardelio, A Lord's servant. Agu. Do Lords' servants do this 1 Ard. Alas, a venial sin ! we use to learn it When we come first to be pages. Agu. Stand by ! there's one has got a clap too. [Miscdlanio passes by. Mis. The shirt of Hercules was not so hot. Sna. There's one sure has been hurt with a gro- nicado. Agu. How now ! who's there 1 Alls. Here's nobody. * A kept gallant. A person who waits on a woman of bad character. f Cony-burrow — a place where rabbits make their holes in the ground. + A carrion crow. 72 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. Agu. Nobody? my senses fail me then. Whois't? What man are you % Mis. No man ! you are deceived, I cannot find I am a man ! that part Is dead, wherein I once was an Achilles. Aid. Come nearer. Mis. I cannot go ; I have lost my nerves. Ant. You shall be carried to the jail then. Mis. Fitter for an hospital ; I am condemned already To fluxes and diet drinks. Trimalchio, Capritio. Trim. Murder, murder, Mr Constable ! murder ! Agu. Who's that ? Jeronimo's son's ghost in the garden 1 Trim. 0, Mr Constable, we have been so used, As never two adventurous gentlemen In the hands of their enemies. Agu. What's the matter 1 Trim. Let me take breath ! I am at the last gasp. We have escaped from the den of the Cyclops, There was one ran a spit against my eyes. Cap. Amongst the rest, there was a blink-ey'd woman Set a great dog upon me. Trim. They have spoiled us Of our cloaks, our hats, our swords, and our money. Snar. Your wits and credit were both lost before. Cap. No, we had not our wits about us then. Trim. Good sir, let's think on some revenge! call up The gentlemen 'prentices, and make a Shrove Tues- day.* * On Shrove Tuesday in each year, being their holiday, the 'Prentices of London exercised the right of attacking and de- molishing houses of ill-fame, even prior to the date of then- damaging "the Cockpit Playhouse in Drury Lane," on 4th March 1617. HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 73 Agu. By no means. I must suppress all violence. Cap. My brother talked of building of a sconce, And straight they seized our cloaks for the reck- oning. Trim. There I lost my hat and sword in the rescue. Agu. 'Twas well done. Trim. And whil'st some strove to hold my hands, The others dived in my pockets. I am sure, There was a fellow with a tann'd face, whose breath Was grown sulphurous with oaths and tobacco, Puffed terror in my face. I shall never be Mine own man again. Bawd and Whores from above. Bawd. Stop their throats, somebody ! 1 Who. 'Twere a good deed to have made them swim the moat. 2 Who. Ay, to have stripped them, and sent them out naked. 1 Who. Let's sally out and fetch them in again ! Then call a court on them for false alarms. Trim. Fly from their rage, sir ! they are worse than harpies, They'll tear us as the Thracians did Orpheus Who's music, though it charmed the powers of hell, Could not be beard amongst these. Mr Ardelio And Miscellanio, I joy to see you, Though ill met here. Mis. Signiour Trimalchio ! Sir, you must pardon me. I cannot stoop, I have the grincums in my back, I fear Will spoil my courtship. Trim. Mr Ardelio, Who would expected to have met you here 1 Ard. Nay, who would not expect it !' tis my haunt, 74 Holland's leaguer. I love it as a pigeon loves a salt-pit. Mis. me ! my scholar too, how came he hither ! I did not mean t' impart this mystery. How could he find it out 1 Trim. His own Minerva, And my help, sir. Agu. Well, you must all together. Trim. Whither must we go ] Agu. Marry, before a Justice ! To answer for your riot. Ard. Mr. Constable ! Agu. I cannot dispense with it. Mis. Let us redeem our peace. Agu. Not before next sessions. Bring them away ! Snar. Come, there's no remedy. Act IV. Scene IV. Bawd, Whores, Pandar. Baivd. Was ever such a treacherous plot in- tended Against our state, and dignity 1 Pan. Had this Passed with impunity, they might have sworn Vengeance had run the country. 1 Who. But I hope They have no cause to boast their victory. Pan. Now, by this air, as I am a true soldier, Bred under and devoted to your banner, But that your pity did prevent my rage They should have known no quarter, for this brow Brooks no affronts. 2 Who. Captain, you fought it bravely. Baud. We'll have a stone graven with characters, To intimate your prowess. HOLLAND'S LEAGUEK. 75 Pand. No, my dear Gorgons, I will not have my fame wander without The precincts of your castle : 'tis enough It can be sheltered here within these walls, And to recount with your acknowledgements What this fort owes to my protection. Bawd. Captain, we must confess you are our guardian. Panel. Then let me sacrifice unto my humour. All you this night shall be at my disposing To drink and drab, 'tis the fault of your fortune That do profess this trade, t' have somebody To spend your purchase on : 'tis my decree, What others riot, you should waste on me. Act IV. Scene V. Agurtes like a Justice of Peace. Autolicus his clerk. Agu. What, are they come % Ant. Yes, sir. Agu. Then let me see How I can act it ; do I look like a Justice % Aid. As fearful as an ass in a lion's skin, sir. Agu. Here I begin my state. Suppose me now Come down the stairs, out of the dining-room Into the hall, and thus I begin. Brisco ! Call Brisco, my clerk ! Aut. At your elbow, sir. Agu. Reach me my ensign of authority ! My staff I mean. Fy, fy, how dull you are, And incomposed ! Now set me in my chair, That I may look like a cathedral Justice That knew what belongs to an Assignammus And Dedimus potestatis. Nay, though we are Of the peace, we can give Priscian* a knock. * The grammarian. 76 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. Let me alone now to determine causes, As free from error as the Pope ; old Minos And Rhadamanth are not so skilled i'th' urn, As I am in the statutes. I have them ad unguem. Now if they enter, at their peril be it. How dost thou like my action 1 Aid. Very well, sir. Agu. Let them come in ! Enter Snarl, like a Constable, Trimalchio, Capritio, Miscellanio, Ardelio. Now, Mr Constable, I must commend your diligence. Come hither! Snar. Sir, I have brought four men before your Worship, I found last night at midnight in the streets, liaising a tumult. Agu. Brisco, be ready to take Their examination. Good ! you found four men At midnight. Whose men are they ? Trim. Our own men, sir. Agu. So it seems by your liveries. Write that clown ! first they say, they are their own men. Aral. Sir, by your favour, I am not my own man. Agu. I thought they would not all be in one tale ; I knew I should find them tripping, and I Once come to sift them. You are not your own man ] It argues you are drunk. Write his confession Ex os tuuni te indico : perge, Mr Constable. Snar. I hold it fit your Worship should examine What they did there so late. Agu. What did you there So late % Mis. Good Justice echo, we had business. Agu. Eecord, they say, they had business. They shall know HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 77 That I am Judge of Record, and what I do Record shall stand, and they shall have no power To plead not guilty in a Scire facias, By a recognisance. I have my terms. Ard. Good your Worship, give us not such hard words. Trim. 'Tis almost as hard usage as the Leaguer. Agu. Then you came from the Leaguer ] . Trim. You may read Some adventures in our habit. We have seen, And tasted the experience of the wars. Mis. They have made me of another religion, I must turn Jew, I think, and be circumcised. I may be anything, now, I shall lose a limb, I may go seek my pension with the soldiers. But, 'tis no matter, I'll turn valiant And fight with the stump. Agu. You are a fighter then ? This doth appear to me to be a riot. What think you, Mr Constable 1 Snar. I think no less. Agu. Was ad terrorem populum. Snar. I know not What you mean, but I mean as your Worship means : I did perceive they had been quarrelling. Agu. Why then, 'twas an affray, a sudden affray, Directly against the state of Northampton. The Decimo tertio of Harry the fourth clears the doubt. How do you traverse this, what do you answer ] Ard. We make a question, by your Worship's favour, Under correction, whether that which was Done under foreign powers, in foreign lands, Be punishable here or no. Agu. How prove you that 1 Ard. 'Tis a province by itself, a privileged place, 78 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. A strong corporation, and has factions In court and city. Trim. Is inhabited With furies, that do multiply like Hydra ; An army of diseases can't suppress them, Besides their many fallings t'other way. Agu. I should be loth t' infringe their liberties, I'll send you to be tried, from whence you came, then. Cap. 0, good your Worship, hang us up at home first, Let us endure the rack or the strapado, We do submit us to your Worship's censure. Agu. Have you provided sureties for the peace then 1 Ard. More need to provide somethings for my belly. I think they mean to keep me for a race. I'm fallen away quite, I was like a hogshead : Now I am able to run through my hoops, Agu. What's he that halts before me 1 do you mock me 1 Tis ill halting before a cripple, sirrah. Mis. "Tis sore against my will, I cannot help it. Would I could run away with half my teeth. Agu. Can't a man have the venerable gout, Or the bone-ache, but you must imitate him 'I Mis. Good Mr Justice. Agu. Mock your fellow rogues ! I'm none of those, that raised my fortunes with Fiddling and tobacco. Make his Mittimus ! Snar. And't please you, sir, here's one has brought a letter. Agu. From whom 1 Snar. From one Mistress Millescent. The contents will inform you. HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 79 The Letter. Noble Sir, — I am sorry to interest my unstayd honour in the patronage of offenders, or to abuse the credit I have with you, in stopping the course of justice against them, whose youthful licentiousness would pollute the pen of a lady to excuse it. On the other part, I hold it the betraying of a virgin's sweet disposition, to withdraw her favours where she has once placed them, although there be some want of desert. I must confess 'tis an antipathy to my nature to see any gentleman suffer when I may prevent it. Howsoever I have found a disrespect from him, yet I forget it. For anger abides in the bosoms of women as snow on the ground ; where it is smooth and level it falls quickly off, but remains where it is rough and uneven. That this may appear to be true. I would entreat you to dismiss those two gentlemen and their associates, Mr Trimalchio and Capritio, whose riotous looseness has made them obnoxious to your censure, and my suspicion. Thus not doubting the success of my letter, I rest in your favour as you may presume on mine, and your true friend, Millescent. Agu. This lady, that has writ on your behalf, Is one I honour. Trim. How should she hear of it 1 Agu. It seems, your fault is quickly blown abroad. Trim. I had rather seal a noverint universi For a thousand stale commoditieSj Than she should know of it. Agu. As for you two, You may pay your fees and depart ; you have Your manumission for this lady's sake. Master Constable you are discharged, and you may Go along with them and receive their fees. 80 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. Mis. Though I say nothing, yet I smell some- thing ; A lady send a letter 1 she is in love With me, I'll pawn my life, and I ne'er knew it. I'll get my back well, and go visit her. Ard. Now I have got my teeth at liberty, And they e'er tie me to the rack again Let me be choked. \_Exeunt Misccllanio, Snarl, Ardelio. Agu. Well, I perceive you are A favourite to this lady. What's your name 1 Trim. Trimalchio. Agu. And yours 1 Cap. Capritio. Agu. Two ancient names in Camden. Of what country 1 Cap. Of Norfolk. Agu. The Capritios of Norfolk ? I think we shall be kin anon : my mother Was a Capritio, and of that house. Are you allied unto this lady 1 Trim. No, sir, But I have formerly been entertained As a poor suitor to her grace's favour. Agu. I find by that, you are a man of fashion ; And would you then % — Trim. Nay, good sir, do not chide. Agu. Yes, 1 must tell you that you were to blame, Having so fair a fortune before you, to wrong A lady of her spirit ; so rich and fair, Of unreproved chastity, and one So high in birth, nay, 'tis not possible To speak her virtues, and present yourself So lumpishly, nay perhaps fill her bed Full of diseases. Trim. Good sir, say no more ! HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 81 I am a traitor, I have killed a man, Committed sacrilege ! Let her seek revenge For these, or if less punishment will serve : To have me beaten, I'll run naked to her. Agu. I will not press a good nature so far. You two shall stay and dine with me. I'll send My coach for your mistress ; it shall go hard, But I will make you friends, before we part. Act V. Scene I. Philautus, Fidelio, Faustina. Fau. Now let me bid you welcome from the wars, Laden with conquest, and the golden fleece Of honour, which, like Jason, you have brought T" enrich your country, now indebted to you. Had it not been a pity such a talent Of virtue should be lost or ill employed 1 Phil. Lady, you are a good physician, It was your counsel wrought this miracle, Beyond the power of Esculapius. For when my mind was stupified, and lost In the pursuit of pleasures, all my body Torn and dissected with close vanities, You have collected me anew to life ; And now I come to you, with as chaste thoughts As they were first adulterous, and yield A due submission for the wrong I did Both to yourself and sex. Fau. Sir, for my part, You have your pardon. Phil. You were born to quit me. Fid. But, when you know the author of your freedom, F 82 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. You'll thank her more. Phil. Why, who is it ] Fid. Your sister. Phil. Who? not Faustina? she told me so indeed, Her name was Faustina. Let me look upon her, As on the picture of all goodness, engraven By a celestial finger, shall outwear A marble character. I knew her not ; I am glad there is a scion of our stock, Can bear such fruit as this, so ripe in virtue. Where have you lived recluse 1 you were betrothed To one Fidelio, but crossed by your father. I have heard good reports of the gentleman. Fan. I never knew you flatter any man Unto his face before. Phil. Unto his face 1 Where is he 1 Fid- My name's Fidelio. Phil. I am transported, ravished ! give me leave, Good gods, to entertain with reverence So great a comfort. Let me first embrace you. Great joys, like griefs, are silent. Loose me now, And let me make you fast. Here join your hands, Which no age shall untie ; let happiness Distil from you, as the Arabian gums, To bless you issue. Fid. Now I hope, sweet lady, The time has put a period to your vow. Fau. 'Tis ended now, and you may take a com- fort, That I could tie myself with such a law. For you may hope thereby I shall observe you With no less strict obedience. Fid. I believe you. Phil. And, for her dowry, I will treble it.. HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 83 Enter Snarl. Here Snarl is come to be a witness to it ! Snar. My Lord Philautus, if I may presume To congratulate your Honour's safe return, I must confess I do it with my heart, And all your friends long to participate Your happy presence. Phil. Thanks both to them and thee. Snar. Master Fidelio, no less to you. I see you happy in your mistress' favour, And that's as much as I can wish to you. Fid. You have been always privy to my coun- sel. Ask me no questions now, I shall resolve you When we come in. Phil. How fares our camp at home 1 Trimalchio, and the rest ] Snar. I have been busy In projecting for them ; they must all be married. I have seen the interlude of the Leaguer : And Ave have played the Justice and the Constable : I will not prepossess you with the sport, But I will shew you such a scene of laughter. Phil. Where is Ardelio 1 Snar. Your servant, Ardelio 1 'Tis the notorioust mixture of a villain, That ever yet was bred under the dunghill Of servitude : he has more whores at command Than you have horses. He has stables for them, His private vaulting houses. Phil. Discharge him the house ! Take his accounts and office, and dispose them. Snar. Ever your Lordship's true and faithful servant. 84 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. Act V. Scene II. MlLLESCENT, MARGERY. Mil. When was my father and the Captain here 1 Mar. They are plotting abroad, I hope to see you shortly Honestly married and then turn virtuous. Mil. Tis the course of the world now, Margery. But yet I fear I have got such a trick, When I was young, that I shall never leave it. Mar. What help then? the poor gentleman must suffer, Good Trimalchio : 'tis his fate. Mil. I am thinking What I shall do with him when I am married. Mar. What do other women do with their husbands ? Bring him up in obedience, make him besides An implement to save your reputation. Let him not press into your company Without permission ; you must pretend You are ashamed of him. Let him not eat Nor lie with you, unless he pay the hire Of a new gown or petticoat ; live with him, As if you were his neighbour, only near him, In that you hate his friends : and, when you please To show the power you carry over him, Send him before on foot, and you come after With your coach and four horses. Mil. 'Tis fitting so. Enter Miscellanio. Host now ! what piece of motion have we here ? Would you speak with any body ? Mis. My business Is to the lady Millescent. HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 85 Mil. What's your will ? Mis. Are you that lady 1 Mil. Yes, my name is so. Mis. To you then I direct m'apology. It seems your eye with approbation Has glanced upon my person. I protest I never was so dull in the construction Of any lady's favour in my life : I am ashamed of my error. Mil. In what, sir 1 I cannot call to mind that e'er I saw you. Mis. You have been still too modest to con- ceal it. That was not my fault : you did ill to strive To hide the flames of love, they must have vent : 'Tis not the walls of flesh can hold them in. Mis. What riddles have we here 1 that I should love you 1 I would not have you think so well of yourself. Mar. Perhaps he has some petition to deliver, Or would desire your letter to some Lord. Mis. I know not how, sure I was stupified ! I have ere now guessed at a lady's mind, Only by the warbling of her lute-string, Kissing her hand, or wagging of her feather, And suffer you to pine for my embraces, And not conceive it 1 Mil. Pray, be pacified. This fellow will persuade me I am in love. Mis. Lady, you have took notice of my Avorth, Let it not repent you. Be not stubborn Towards your happiness. You have endured Too much already for my sake, you shall see Pity can melt my heart. I take no delight To have a lady languish for my love. I am not made of flint as you suspect me. Alii. I would thou wert converted to a pillar, 86 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. For a memorial of this impudence. Mis. You shall know what 'tis to tempt me, here- after, When I shall let you perish for your folly. I came to remunerate the courtesy I received from your ladyship. Mil. I know of none. Mis. I must acknowledge myself bound to you. Mil. For what ? Mis. Your letter to the Justice, lady ! It free'd me from the pounces of those varlets, When I was under the gripe of the law. I know the only motive was your love. Mil. I cry you mercy ! Were you one of them That drew Trimalchio to those idle courses ] I am ashamed of the benefit. Leave me That I may not see the cause of my sorrow. But 'tis no matter, we shall leave you first. [Exeunt Mil. and Margery. Mis. They shall find I am no man to be slighted, And that she has misplaced her affection. When I have wracked the wrongs on my co-rival, Trimalchio, look to thyself ! were he removed There might be hopes my valour shall make known There is a difference. I'll straight to the tavern, And when I once am hot with good canary, I pronounce him dead that affronts my fury. Act V. Scene III. Ardelio. Ard. Turned out of service 1 the next turn will be Under the gallows, and have a ballad made of me. The corruption of a cashiered serving-man Is the generation of a thief. I fear My fate points me not out to so good fortune ; Holland's leaguer. ' 87 My bulk will not serve me to take a purse. The best thing I am fit for is a tapster, Or else get a wench of mine own, and sell Bottle ale and tobacco, that's my refuge. They termed me parasite, 'tis a mystery Is like a familiar, that leaves a man When he is near his execution. I have no power to flatter myself now, I might have gone a wooing to some widow, And had his countenance, but now the tenants Look like their bacon, rustily, upon me. Enter Jeffry. What, Jeffry ] thou art the comfort of my woes. Welcome, good Jeffry ! Jef. Thanks to your Worship. Ard. Where are my hangings, Jeffry ] Jef. Very well, sir. Locked in a cypress chest for fear of moths. Ard. And all the other furniture, good Jeffry ] Jef They are kept safe and well aired for your Worship. Ard. Thanks, good Jeffry. I were in a sweet case, If I had not conveyed some things away To maintain me hereafter. Jef. Why so, sir 1 Ard. I may go set* up bills now for my living, Cry vinegar up and down the streets ; or fish At Blackfriars' stairs ; or sit against A wall, with a library of ballads before me. Jef You are not out of service 1 Ard. Turned a grazing In the wide common of the world, Jeffry. Jef Then are my hopes at best ; I have no reason * Paste. 88 Holland's leaguer. To care for him any longer. A word with you, What furniture do you mean 1 ..Ard. Those that I sent, The heds and hangings. Jef. Did you send any such 1 Ard. I hope you will not use me so. J e f Your own words : I must make the best benefit of my place. You know 'tis not an age to be honest in, 'Tis only the highway unto poverty. I know not how, I do not fancy you Of late. Ard. I chose thee for thy knavish look, And now thou hast requitsd me : of all My evils thou art the worst. j e f_ No faith, sir ! You have a worse commodity at my house, But you may save the charges of a writ ; I'll send her you without reprieve or bail. I do you that favour. Ard. No, you may keep her still. Jef. Methinks you are much dejected with your fall, I find an alteration in your face. You look like an almanac of last year's date, Or like your livery cloak, of two years' wearing, Worse than the smoky wall of a bawdy house. Ard. Villain, dost thou insult on me ! j e f No faith, sir ! Alas, 'tis not within the reach of man To countermine your plots. Ard. Well, slave, because I'll rid my hands of thee, I'll give thee a share. Jef. You must have none without lawful pro- ceeding, And that I know you dare not. Holland's leaguer. 8§ Enter Snarl, and Officers. Snar. But I dare ! Have you been partners all this while in mischief, And now fall out who shall be the most knave 1 Jef. What do you mean 1 Snar. I mean to search your house For ammunition, no otherwise, Which I suspect you send unto the Leaguer. Jef. Sir, I have nothing there, but one cracked piece Belongs to this gentleman, can do no service. She is spoiled in the bore. Sua. We'll have her new cast. Come, bring them away ! Ard. Nay, good sir, you know That I was lately quit before a Justice, And if 1 fall in a relapse — Sna. All's one To me, but you must satisfy the law. Ard. Well then, I know the worst of it. Act V. Scene IV. Agurtes, Autolicus, Trimalchio, Capritio. Agu. Master Trimalchio, 'tis an age since I saw you. Trim. I was ne'er out of town. Agu. Not out of town 1 We sought you all about the ordinaries, Taverns, and bawdy-houses, we could imagine You ever haunted. Trim. You might have found us then. Aut. Nay, more, we enquired at the play-houses. Agu. 'Twas once in my mind to have had you cried. Aut. We gave you lost. Trim. Well, shall I tell you, Captain 1 Aut. Aye do, what is't? 90 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. Trim. This gentleman and I Have passed through purgatory, since I saw you, If I should tell you all the passages At the Leaguer. Aid. Thither we came to meet you, And you were gone. Cap. And then at the Justice's. Agu. Were you before the Justice 1 Trim, 'Tis such a story Would fill a chronicle. Cap. We met with a party of the enemies, Took all we had from us, and then it cost us Forty shillings in fees at the Justice's. Agu. That was hard dealing. Cap. The old boy and I Grew to be kin at last. Trim. He made me sure To my mistress, before we parted. Agu. How 1 By what strange accident 1 Trim. Honest Ardelio, And Miscellanio, we were all together In rebellion, and quit by a letter, That came from my mistress. Agu. Is't possible 1 And Miscellanio turn traitor ! Trim. What 1 Agu. Would have your mistress from you, thinks the letter Was sent for his sake. Trim. That I'm sure he does not. Agu. Threatens and swears that he will fight for her. Trim. If he be weary of his life, he may. Why, what can he pretend to her 1 Agu. I know not What has passed between them, but I am sure HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 91 He has been practising at the fencing-school, To get a trick to kill you. Trim. He kill me ? I'll kill him first. I fight by geometry. Agu. How ! By geometry ? Trim. Yes, sir. Here I hold My rapier, mark me, in a diameter To my body; that's the centre, conceive me. Aut. Your body is the centre, very good. Trim. And my hilt, part of the circumference. Aut. Well, sir. Trim. Which hilt is bigger than my body. Aut Than your whole body ? 1 rim. Yes, at such a distance. And he shall never hit me whilst he lives. Aut. Where did you learn this? at the Leaguer 1 ? Trim. No. No, by this light, it is my own invention : I learnt it on my travels. Aut. Very strange ! You are a scholar? Trim. Nay, I would not be Suspected of such a crime for a million. But 'tis no sin to know geometry And, by that, I can tell we shall ne'er fight. Aut. Not fight at all ? Trim. I'll shew you in geometry, Two parallels can never meet : now we two Being parallels, for so we are, that is Equal in wit and valour, can never meet, And if we never meet, we shall ne'er fight. Enter Miscellanio. Aut. To prove your axiom false, see where he comes ! Trim. I do defy him. Mis. Hang thee, blust'ring son 92 Holland's leaguer. Of ^Eolus, defy me ! I'll tie up thy breath In bags, and sell it for a penny an ounce. Aid. Draw, sir ! Mis. Draw, if he dares ! Cap. Sure, this is the second part of the Leaguer. 'Twere best for me to hide me in my cabin. [Exit Capritio. Mis. Will you resign your mistress 1 Trim. No, I scorn it. Mis. Unless you'll have her tane away by force. Aid. I see, this cannot be ended without blood. Trim. Captain, a word with you. Aid. What say you, sir ? Trim. I am afraid he comes with the black art. Aid. How ! you afraid ] Do not say so for shame. Trim. He has lain Avith an old witch at Sweden, And is grown stick-free. Aid. Fye ! that you should say so. Trim. I'll be resolved of that before I fight. Aid. Why, do you think the witches have such power 1 Trim. Ay, marry do I. I have known one of them Do more than that, when her husband has followed Strange women, she has turned him into a bezar,* And made him bite out his own stones. Aid. 'Tis strange ! Trim. I '11 tell you another as strange as that, of one When a vintner has sent her but ill wine, She has converted him into a frog, And, then conjured him into one of his butts, Where he has lived twelve months upon the lees, And, when his old guests chance to come to see him, He has croaked to them out at the bung-hole. * Beazar. A goat. — " Beazar-stone, used in physic as a cordial, breeds in the maw of the Beazar." — Blount, 1661. Holland's leaguer. 93 Aut, This is miraculous ! Trim. There was a lawyer That spoke against one of them at the bar. Aut. What did she then 1 Trim. Turned him into a ram, And still that ram retains his profession, Has many clients and pleads causes as well As some lawyers in Westminster. Aid. Do you think That he has had recourse to any such ] Trim. I know not, but 'tis good to be mistrustful. He may have advantage in the encounter. Enter Millescent, Margery. Mis. There she comes ! win her, and wear her. Mil. Hold your hands ! I'll have no blood a prologue to my wedding. Trim, Nay then, have at you. Hold me not, I say I am as fierce as he. Mil. Be pacified ! I thought you had been both bound to the peace. Aut. Lady, it seems that these two gentlemen Do stand in competition for your love. Mil. Mr Trimalchio, I confess, has been A former suitor, but with his ill carriage, He has thus long prevented his good fortune, Aut. Then let me make a motion. Mil, What is it 1 Aid. Will they both stand to it ? Trim. I agree. Mis. And I ! Aid. Then let the lady dispose of herself. Trim. She is mine already, I am sure to her Before a Justice. Mis. I will have no woman Against her will. Mil. No, sir, you shall not. 94 Holland's leaguer. Since you are so peremptory, on your words then That he shall sing a Palinodium, And recant his ill courses, I assume My love, Trimalchio. [ Capritio peeps out. Cap. Do we take, or are we taken ] Trim. Nay, we do take. Agu. Who's that % Capritio ! where have you been 1 ? Come your ways forth, and lay hands on the spoil. Go lead away that lady by the hand. Now you may take occasion by the foretop, Advance your own predominant the better, And march away. Trim. Come, let us to the church. [Trimalchio and Millescent exeunt. Capritio, Margery. Mis. And what must I do now ] be laughed at ? Agu. Would you Hazard yourself for one, that cares not for you 1 You may be glad you 'scaped. Recall yourself ! Were not you formerly engaged 1 Mis. No never. Agu. Not to Mistress Quartilla 1 Mis. Faith, we have toy'd In jest sometime. Agu. Let it be now in earnest. Make her amends, I know she loves you. Mis. W T ell ! I will have her, and stand up for my portion With the rest of my tribe. Act V. Scene the last. Snarl, Philautus. Sua. Stay here a little. They are gone to church, HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. 95 And will return in couples. First, Trimalchio, That giant in conceit, thinks he is matched To some great heir, but shall embrace a cloud Instead of Juno. Then her waiting-woman, Her Iris, reflects upon Capritio, And for my piece of fragmentary courtship, My miscellany gentleman, 'tis his lot To be cast upon Quartilla, with Agurtes In his old Justiceship. All these march together, Like the seven deadly sins, and, behind them, Comes Autolicus, the clerk of the company. Enter Agurtes like a Justice, Trimalchio, Milles- CENT, MlSCELLANIO, QUARTILLA, CaPRITTO, Margery, Autolicus like, a clerk. Ant. Look you, sir, here they come ! Trim. Make room ! methinks You should not stop the course of justice so. My Lord Philautus, you are welcome from The wars, and I from the church ; I wonder Who makes the better return, you have got Honour, and so have I. But where's your wealth 1 I can embrace five thousand pounds a-year. That's nothing with you ; I have no more wit Than to be pil'd with pimps, and marry whores. Yet I mean shortly to rank with your honour. Here is my warrant, I have promised her, To make her a countess, but that's nothing with you. Nay, more than this, I can go on and leave Some advancement behind me. Ecce signumf Phil. 'Tis well ! I am glad of your happiness, And much joy to my brother, Capritio, And his fair spouse. Cap. She is according to My heart's desire, sir. Sna. "Well, a word with you, 96 HOLLAND'S LEAGUER. Master Trimalchio, and the rest. Trim. What say you ? Sna. You were as good know it at first as at last. You are not the first that have been deceived. Trim. In what ] My wife 1 I married her for maid, And whether she be one or no, I care not. Sna. Nay, should I hear a man that should abuse her In that, I would defend her with my sword. But she and you must call this man your father. Trim. Ay, so she must, he gave her at the church. Sna. Nay, her own natural father, flesh and bone; I hope she'll not deny it. Milk. No, indeed, sir, I would not live to be so ungracious. Agu. I must acknowledge thee my child, or I Should do thy mother wrong. Trim. I do not think so, You'll not make me believe that I took her For a Lord's daughter, and a great heir. Where are Agurtes and the Captain to justify it ] Is he your father 1 Mille. He has ever bred me ; And I have always called him so. I hope It is no shame j my parentage is honest. Trim. Well, if he be, 'tis no disparagement To marry a Justice's daughter. Snar. Come, you have Been carried hood-winked through this business, Nor is the day clear before you. Mark me : I'll open but one leaf in all the book, And you shall see the whole discovery. Come, sir, uncase. [Agurtes and Autolieus pull off their disguises. Holland's leaguer. 97 Trim. Who have we here ? Agurtes And the captain ! was't you that played the Justice, And you his clerk 1 Snar. And I the Constable. Trim. Then you are a knot of knaves for your labour. Now I perceive that I am plainly gulled. Cap. I am glad there's no man cheated but him- self. Snar. Your arrow is one of the same quiver too. Trim. I'll none of her, by this light. Agu. Why you may choose, And yet I do not well see how you can choose. She is your wife and you have married her, And must allow her means to maintain her. You may declare yourself unto the world, And be laughed at : but keep your own counsel, And who needs know of it 1 Phil. Believe me, sir, The gentlewoman is not to be despised, Her wit and virtues are sufficient dowry. Trim. Nay, if you say so, then must I needs love her : But by this hand I thought you would have jeered me. Phil. Hold on your course, march on as you came in, And rest content, since fate has thought it fit, To make your fortunes equal with your wit. G A FINE COMPANION. Acted before the King and Queene at White-Hall, and sundrie times with great applause at the private-House in Satisbvry Court, by the Prince his Servants. Written by Shakerley Marmyon. Lectori credere mallem, Qnam spectatoris fastidia ferre superbi. — Hor. London, Printed by Aug. Mathewes for Richard Meighen, next to the Middle Temple gate in Fleet Street, 1633. This is a fair comedy of the day in which it was written. The plot, such as it is, has been seized upon by many writers since, so that, although fresh at the time, it does not now present much novelty to those who are conversant with stage-plays. It would seem to have been well received. Durfey, in his comedy of " Sir Barnaby Whig, or no AVit like a Woman's" 1681, borrows from the present piece, without any promise of return, much of Captain Whibble's character and humour, with which to garnish and trick out his " Captain Porpuss." Sir Ralph Dutton, to whom Marmion dedicates this piece, and whom he characterizes as "the truly noble, and his worthy cousin in all respects," was of an ancient family, dating from the time of William the Conqueror, and denominated from the town of Dutton in Cheshire. He was the seventh and last son of William Dutton, of Sherbourne, Esq., who served the office of Sheriff for the county of Gloucester in 1590 and 1601, by Anne, daughter to Sir Ambrose Nicholas, Knight, Lord Mayor of London. His brother John, (third son) became heir to his father's estate. Of him, Wood has this notice; — " John Dutton, of Sherbourne, in Gloucestershire, Esq. — He was one of the Knights for that county, to sit in the said Parliament, 1640 ; but being frighted thence by the tumults that came up to the parliament doors, as other Royalists were, he conveyed himself privately to Oxford, and sate there. He was a learned and a prudent man, and as one of the richest so one of the meekest men in England. He was active in making the defence, and drawing up the articles of Oxon, when the garrison was to be surrendered to the parliament. For which, and his steady loyalty, he was afterwards forced to pay a round sum in Gold- 102 A FINE COMPANION. smith's-hall at London." This means that he com- pounded for his estates by paying £5216, 4s. Wood also informs us that, however loyal he was at the begin- ning of the troubles, he thus expresses himself in his will, dated 14 January, 1655 ; — " I humbly request and desire, that His Highness, the Lord Protector, will be pleased to take upon him the guardianship and dispos- ing of my nephew, William Dutton, and of that estate I, by deed of settlement, hath left him ; and that His Highness would be pleased, in order to my former desires, and according to the discourse that hath passed betwixt us thereupon, that, when he shall come to ripeness of age, a marriage may be had and solemnized betwixt my said nephew, William Dutton, and the Lady Frances Cromwell, his Highness's youngest daughter, which I much desire, and (if it take effect) shall account it as a blessing from God." Sir Ralph Dutton, Knight, to whom this play is dedi- cated, received his honour at Woodstock in 1624. In Charles the First's time he was gentleman of the privy- chamber in extraordinary, and High-Sheriff of Gloucester- shire, in 1630 ; and, being zealously attached to the interests of his sovereign in the great rebellion, his estate was sequestered, for which a conqx>sition of £952, 17s. Id., was paid, and he forced to fly beyond sea ; but, being beaten back by contrary winds in his passage from Leith to France, he was catt away on " Brunt Island," and there died in the year 1646. — See Collins' Peerage of England, cura Bridges. He married Mary, daughter of Sir William Duncombe, of London, Knight, and by her had two sons, William and Ralph, the latter of whom was ancestor to the present Lord Sherborne. TO THE TRULY NOBLE and his worthy kinsman in all respects, SIR RALPH DUTTON. Sir. — W T e have great cause to triumph over the iniquity of the times, that in all ages there wants not a succession of some candid dispositions, who, in spite of malice and ignorance, dare counte- nance poetry, and the professors. How such an excellent, and divine part of humanity should fall under the least contempt, or arm the petulancy of writers to declaim against her, I know not : hut I guess the reason, that having their souls dark- ned, and rejoicing in their errors, are offended at the lustre of those arts that would enlighten them. But the Fates have not so ill befriended our studies, as to expose them to contempt, without the protection of such, whose ability of judgment can both wipe off all aspersions, and dignify desert. Amongst the worthy patrons of learning that can best vindicate her worth, you are not the least ; and because custom and respect to noble friends gives a pjiviledge to dedicate our en- deavours where they may find admittance, I have made bold to present this piece unto you. It hath often pleas'd, and without intermission. If you shall second that applause by your kind favour, it shall not aspire to be more honour'd, By him that is yours in all observance, SHACK. MARMYON. DRAMATIS PERSONS. Aurelio, an elder brother disinherited. Careless, his brother, the Fine Companion. Dotario, an old gentleman, their uncle. Fido, their friend. Spruse, a young Gallant. LlTTLEGOOD, an usurer. Fondling, his wife. Lackwit, their son. 1 A miua!'} ^daughters. Crotchet, a clown. Whibble, a captain. Sterne, a lieutenant. Tailor. Sempster. Haberdasher. Hostess. Four Wenches. Fiddlers. Boy. Attendants. PROLOGUE. Critic, Author. Crit. Are you the author of this play 1 Auth. What then % Crit. Out o' this poetry, I wonder what You do with this disease, a seed of vipers Spawned in Parnassus' pool, whom the world frowns on, And here you vent your poison on the stage. Auth. What say you, sir 1 Crit. Oh, you are deaf to all Sounds but a plaudit, and yet you may Remember, if you please, what entertainment Some of your tribe have had that have took pains To be contemn'd, and laugbt at by the vulgar, And then ascrib'd it to their ignorance. I should be loth to see you move their spleens With no better success, and then with some Commendatory Epistles fly to the press, To vindicate your credit. Auth. What if I do 1 Crit. By my consent I'll have you Banisht the stage, proscrib'd, and interdicted Castalian water, and poetical fire. Auth. In that you wrong th' approved judgments of This noble Auditory, who, like a sphere Moved by a strong intelligence, sit round To crown our infant muse, whose celestial Applause she heard at her first entrance. Crit. This way of poetry has deceiv'd many ; 106 A FINE COMPANION. For 'tis not every one that writes a verse Has washt his mouth in Helicon, or slept On the two-topt Parnassus ; there's great difference Betwixt him, that shall write a lawful poem, And one that makes a paper of loose verses To court his looser mistress ; there's much air Requir'd to lift up the Dircsean swan, When he shall print his tracts among the clouds : Not as your ignorant poetasters use, In spite of Phoebus, without art or learning, T" usurp the stage, and touch with impure hands The lofty buskin, and the comic style. Auth. This I confess ; but when the prosperous gale Of their auspicious breath shall fill our sails, And make our high-borne thoughts swell like a tide : And when our bolder Muse shall put on buskins, And clap on her Talaria on her feet, Then, like swift Mercury, she may aspire To a sublimer region, with that force, And bear that weighty burthen on her wings, That she shall fear to crack her pinions. Grit. 'Tis this licentious generation Of poets trouble the peace of the whole town ; A Constable can't get his maid with child, A baker nor a scrivener lose his ears. Nor a Justice of peace share with his clerk ; A Lord can't walk drunk with a torch before him, A Gallant can't be suffer'd to pawn's breeches, Or leave his cloak behind him at a tavern, But you must jerk him for it. Auth. In all ages It hath been ever free for comic writers, If there were any that were infamous, For lust, ambition, or avarice, To brand them with great liberty, though I A FINE COMPANION. 107 Disclaim the priviledge ; no impure language, As Stygian mud stir'd up with Charon's oar Ne'er belcht so foul an air, shall ever mix With our ingenious mirth, nor need we fear Any their foul aspersions ; whilst the Aviso Sit to controul and judge, in whose clear eyes, As we deserve, we look to stand or fall, Passing prophaner people, and leave all To be determined as you censure. Boy, Go and subscribe it quickly what I say. Crit. He's grown contemptuous, and flings away In a rapture ; for this, when I am in, If I can't laugh at 's play, I'll laugh at him. A FINE COMPANION. Actus I. Scena I. Aurelio, Valeria. Aitr. Tis true indeed, our love is like our life ; There's no man blest in either till his end. And he whom Fate points to that happiness, A thousand passions mock his doubtful hopes, Till virtue, that can never be extinct, Shall rise above their rage, and call down Hymen, Attended with as many several joys, To triumph in the circle of our brow. Val. But that the fatal union of our hearts Should breed such issues of extremity In both our fortunes, yet the greatest grief I feel, is in your wrongs, not in my own. Aur. Ne'er think of it ! what though my father made me A stranger to his loins, and cut me off From my inheritance, because he thought me A rival in his love, that fatal love Whose jealousy prevail'd so in a wooer, That it kill'd all affection in a father. These ill-begotten thoughts he still maintain' d, And cherish t to his death, whose period Of life was the beginning of my mischief: For he gave all the land unto my brother, One less deserving. Would I could report That he had any worth, his ill wrought mind, Too apt for the impression of all vice, 110 A FINE COMPANION. As if he were to strive with his estate, And had no other enemy, would make A conquest of his ruin. So negligent Of what his father wrongfully bereft me, That he spends all in riot, and so vainly, As if he meant to throw it after him. Only he has a foolish flashing wit, Too weak to sustain, or prevent his fall, But no solidity of mind or judgment. And now imagines he can salve it up, By being styl'd a " Fine Companion." Let that entitle him to all my right, Whilst I, secure in my imputed crime, Think thee a better portion ; all my fault Was honesty, and true affection. Vol. And those still envious fate insults upon. But we will live together, and what e'er Shall interpose to poison our true love, Still triumph o'er their malice. , Aur. Dear Valeria, Had fortune pleas'd to place me in that means My birth assur'd me, we had spent our life Lull'd in the lap of peace, our days had run Smooth as the feet of Time, free from all tumults. Vol. And why not still 1 Aur. It may do so, but I Have not a fortune equal to your virtues, And to support the title of your worth. Tal. My mind was never yet ambitious, And there is nothing but your company Can satisfy, or limit my desires. Aur. I love you better than to injure you. I will resign you to some richer heir, Whose heaps of wealth left by his greedy father, Untoucht as is your goodness, may advance you, And make you happy. Think on't ! be not cruel To your own self. A FINE COMPANION. Ill Aur. Oh, how have I deserv'd that you should think So ill of me 1 You may divorce the ivy The vine from her embraces, me you cannot. Where is the care you wont to have of me ] What is my fault 1 you can be well without me, And I shall please you best when I am absent. Aur. Nay, my Valeria, do not weep so sore ! Thy grief adds more to mine. It is enough I part from thee, my heart with drops of blood Pays tribute to the ocean of thy tears ; This treasure of thine eyes, if spent for those That lye unterr'd, wanting their funeral rites, And restless walk upon the Stygian strand, So long as fate has limited their curse, Would send them over to Elizium. One grain of that same grief which clogs her heart, Would lye in balance 'gainst the universe. The joy and happiness of all mankind Are given to me in her, and she was born T' upbraid the world, and tell them they are false. Pa. What shall I do when you are ravished from me? Could Portia rather swallow glowing coals Than burn with a desire of her lost Brutus 1 Shall the example to those times descend To shame my love 1 Could the ./Egyptian Queen Rather endure the poignant stings of adders Than that of death which wounded Antony 1 And must I then survive you 1 can I live, When you that are my soul are taken from me 1 Oh 'tis not now as when Penelope Could stay ten years the coming of her love, And span a tedious web of foolish thoughts, In expectation. Aur. Faith that fled to heaven, And truth, that after once men's hearts grew cold, 112 A FINE COMPANION. Would go no longer naked, now again Are come to dwell with mortals. Here's a woman, In whose comparison all wealth is sordid ; And since she proves so constant, fate itself Shall not be blam'd for me that I forsook her. Actus I. Scena II. Enter Littlegood. Lit. Are you so well resolv'd 1 but I may cross you. Vol. Oh me, my father, I am quite undone ! I am no body. Lit. Yes, you are the wickedst, The most ungracious child that ever lived Under so good a government, but that Shall turn to tyranny, since your discretion Can not distinguish of the difference. Have I — what should I say ] — cherisht you up, With tenderness and costly education, To have you made a sacrifice to beggary, To one that's cut off, disinherited, The son of the people 1 Aur. Pray, sir, forbear ! My wrongs do not permit you to abuse me. Lit. Sir ! 'tis most basely done of you, to use The charity and freedom of my house, Thus to seduce my daughter : but for that, If you can keep her as well from your mind, As I can from your sight, you may, in time, Learn to forget her. You were best go travel, Repair yourself by some new found plantation, Not think to supplant my issue. This place Is moraliz'd with thrift and industry, Suits not with men of your condition, That have no stock but their gentry. Get you in ! A FINE COMPANION. 113 And, for your part, sir, know my house no more, I'll provide her a husband. So, farewell ! Am: Howe'er I speed, comfort attend thee still, And so my best Valeria, farewell ! Actus I. Scena III. Careless, Fido. Car. Ne'er tell me on't, a gentleman must shew himself to be a gentleman. Fid. Ay, so he must, sir, but in you there's small resemblance of one. Car. Come, you are an importunate ass ! a dull, heavy fellow, and I must bear with you, must I ? By this light ! I will not live out of the blaze of my fortunes, though it last but a minute, to linger out a tedious siege of adversities. Fid. Yet you may live with more credit, at a competent rate as your land will allow you. Car. Land 1 There was my unhappiness to have any, I was born to none, 'twas merely thrust upon me, and now I cannot be quiet for it ; 'tis like a wife that brings a thousand impediments ; I must take an order, I cannot walk the streets in peace, your Magnifico stops his great horse to salute me, another treats of marriage, and offers me his daughter, your advocate racks me with imperti- nences, and to free my land from incumbrances troubles me ten times worse. What with friends and counsellors, fellows that seem to me of another species, I could resign my interest. Fid. All this, sir, is a grace to you, if you conceive it. Car. I'll sell all ! 'twere a sin to keep it. When didst thou know an elder brother disinherited and the land continue with the issue 1 Now for me H 114 A FINE COMPANION. to live thriftily upon it were no otherwise than to mock fate and contemn providence. Fid. But noAV you know the danger, you may prevent it. Car. What ! should I doat upon casualties, trust scriveners with my money, fellows that will break, and all the wit in town can't solder them up again ] Fid. You may scorn my advice, but when 'tis too late — Car. I tell thee, I'll keep no land, nor no houses, candle rents that are subject to fire and ruin, I can't sleep for fear of them. There's no danger in coin, 'twill make a man respected, drink, and be drunk, wear good clothes, and live as free as a Parthian. Fid. But when all's gone, where's your respect and gentility then 1 Car. Where is't 1 why, in my blood still ; we'll both run one course ne'er out of the vein, I warrant thee. Fid. If you can hold in this vein 'tis more lasting than a mineral. Car. Prithee, good honest, old patcht piece of experience, go home and wear thyself out in con- templation, and do not vex me with problems. They can do no more good upon me, than a young pitiful lover upon a mistress that has the sullens. Fid. Well, sir ! I could willingly wait upon you in the way of honour and reputation. Car. No, no, you shall not need my homo frugi. Go about your business, and though men of my quality do seldom part with any thing for good uses, for gamesters and courtiers have but little charity, yet, for this once, I will trespass against custom, and here's something to put you into a fortune. I could wish it more, but you know how my man has used me, and my occasions. A FINE COMPANION. 1 15 Fid. I see yet in his good nature a reluctancy against ill courses, he has not quite shak'd off his humanity, there are hopes to reclaim him; if not, sir gallant, when all is spent, the return of this money will be grateful ; and so, farewell ! [Exit Fido. Car. Adieu, and commend me to my uncle ! tell the mechanics without that I vouchsafe them ad- mittance. I will not spend all in whoring and sack. I will have some clothes of value, though they be but to pawn in a vacation. For this purpose, I have sent this morning to consult with the authenti- cal judgements of my tailor, sempster, and haber- dasher ; and now am I studying with what state I shall use them. Actus I. Scena IV. Careless, Tailor, Sempster, Haberdasher. Car. Come in, fellows ! I sent for you together, because you should receive your instructions : I am to make me a suit, and I would have you deter- mine about the form and the accoutrements, for the fitting of the points and the garters, and the roses, and the colours of them. Nature is much beholding to you, though there be a difference in the accidents yet you can reconcile them, and make them suit handsomely together. I am a gentle- man, and would not be disgrac'd for my irregularity. Tai. You say well, sir. Car. I tell you my disposition, I am wholly addicted to rarities, things that are new take me ; new plays, new mistresses, new servants, new toys, new fangles, new friends, and new fashions, and these I deal with, as in a quarrel 1 would not be behind hand with any of them. Semp. Sir, you shall command our endeavours. 116 A FINE COMPANION. Car. I thought fit to take your advice, and you are beholding to me ; you are the only man in the world that can rule me. Rah. Sir, for curiosity we have the maidenheads of all the wits in Europe, and to your service we will employ both our art and our industry. Car. I am informed of your qualities, I hear you are men of intelligence. By this light, I wonder the state is not afraid of you. Tai. We hope they have no reason for that, sir. Car. Yes, you are dangerous fellows, and have plots and devices upon men's bodies, and are suspected to be sorcerers, that can transform a man into what shape you list. Tai. It pleases you to be merry, sir. Car. Nay, by this hand, 'tis given out, that you are great scholars, and are skill'd in all the habitual arts, and know their coherences, and that you are a kind of astrologers, observers of times and seasons, and for making of matches, beyond all the gallants in the Kingdom. Tai. We would match things as near as we could, sir. Car. And besides that, you are proud of your knowledge, for when you have once got a man's good name, you make what account you list of it. Hub. Not so, sir. Car. Yes, and presume upon't, and think what ever injury you do a man you can be saved by your book. This is true, and care not a pin of the law, for you hold good custom to be far beyond it. Semp. We would be loth to give any gentleman distaste, sir. Car. I must commend you, in that you are not partial, for you make the like reckoning of every man. Well, to the purpose ! A FINE COMPANION. 1 1 7 Tai. You'll have your suit of the Spanish fashion 1 Car. What, with two wallets behind me, to put up faults and abuses, or else I'll cashier my men, and they shall serve me for attendants, hangers on, ha 1 No, by this air, I am too good a gentleman to have my arms trickt up with such gewgaws. Tai. Sir, you must be conformable. Car. Well, I am content to be persuaded. When shall I have them 1 Tai. You shall not miss within these three days, and what else is requisite, trust to my care to apply it. Car. Well, I am satisfied, and hereafter believe me, as I believe thee. Enter Boy. Boy. Sir, Master Spruse is come to visit you. Car. Master Spruse 1 prithee bid him come up ! Well, there's a gentleman, of all I know, can justly claim admiration, for his compliment, his discourse, his habit, his acquaintance, and then for proffering of courtesies, and never doing any ; I may give away all I have, before I shall arrive at the grace of it. Hab. Pray, sir, when did you see the noble captain '{ Car. Who, Captain Whibble 1 Mass ! now I think on't thou shalt go seek him out, and entreat him to meet me at the Horse-shoe Tavern at dinner. I love that house for the sign's sake, 'tis the very print of the shoe that Pegasus wore, when he broke up Helicon with his hoof! and now, in relation of that, your poets and players still haunt about the brinks of it. Sirrah, tell him withall, that Master Lackwit the citizen's son will be there, and other good company, and we will have music and 118 A FINE COMPANION. wenches. Go thy ways ! and you Master Snip, meet me about three a clock to take up these commodi- ties, so now I have done with you. Actus I. Scena V. Careless, Spruse, with one garter untied, and a black box at his girdle. Spru. Save you, Master Careless ! Car. Master Spruse you have much honour'd me with your presence. Spru. I met with a disaster coming up. Something has ravisht the tassel of my garter, and discompos'd the whole fabric, 'twill cost me an hour's patience to reform it ; I had rather have seen the Common- wealth out of order. Car. Sure, it was not fast tied to your leg. Spru. As fast together, as the fashion is for friends now a-days to be tied, with certain knots of compliment, which the least occasion dis-joins. I'll only tuck it up, and, when my better leisure permits, reduce it to perfection. Car. What box have you there 1 Spru. A conceit, a conceit ! a rare invention, one of the happiest that ever my wit teem'd withall. Car. Bless me with the discovery. Spru. You shall swear to be silent then 1 Car. As close as that covering. Sjiru. Then, look you ! I will participate the mystery ; this pettyfogging box promises that I have great suits in law, this is to delude the world now. But I must tell you I am a kind of a solici- tor, an earnest suitor to every wench I see. Car. Very pretty ! proceed. Spru. What do you think I have in this box then 1 Car. I know not. A FINE COMPANION. 119 Spru. A bundle of blank love letters, ready penned with as much vehemency of affection, as I could get for money, only wanting the superscrip- tion of their names, to whom they shall be directed, which I can instantly and with ease indorse upon acquaintance. Car. And so send them to your mistress ? Spru. You understand me. I no sooner fall into discourse with any lady, but I profess myself ardently in love with her, and, being departed, re- turn my boy with one of these letters, to second it as I said, passionately deciphering how much I languish for her, which she cannot but deeply appre- hend, together with the quickness and promptitude of my ingenuity in the dispatch of it. Car. I'll practise this device. Prithee let me see one of them ! What's here ] " To the fair hands of—" Spru. Ay, there wants a name : they fit any degree or person whatsoever. Car. Let me see this then ! " To the lady and mistress of his thoughts, and service." Spru. There wants a name too. They are general things. Car. I'll open it, by your favour, sir. What's here] " Most resplendent lady, that may justly be styled the accomplishment of beauty, the seat and man- sion of all delight and virtue, in whom meet the joy and desires of the happy. Some man here per- haps might fear, in praising your worth, to heighten your disdain, but I am forc'd, though to the peril of my neglect, to acknowledge it ; for to this hour my curious thoughts, and wandering, in the sphere of feminine perfection, could never yet find out a subject like your self, that could so de- tain and command my affection." Spru. And so it goes on. How do you like it J 120 A FINE COMPANION. t Car. Admirable good ! put them up again. Spry* Nay, I have so strange a wit, few men do jump with it. All my delights are steept in elegancy, And censur'd by an arbitration, Before I do approve them ; I have searcht The dust of antiquity to find out The rare inventions that I am verst in, My several garbs and postures of the body, My rules for banqueting, and entertainment : And for the titillation of my laughter Buffoons and parasites, for I must tell you I still affect a learned luxury. Car. You have a very complete suit on too, me- thinks. Spru. 'Tis as fresh as the morning, and that's the grace on't. A new play, and a gentleman in a new suit, claim the same privilege ; at their first pre- sentment their estimation is double. Car. And whither now do your employments direct you 1 Spru. I took your lodging by the way. I am going to dazzle the eyes of the ladies with my ap- parition. Car. I am not so conformable as I could wish, or else I would attend you. I took up a new man, for pity's sake, some three days since, to wait upon me, which foolish sin I will abandon whilst I live, for it. He ran away with two hundred pounds, the remnant of a mortgage, and since that I was put to a new perplexity to supply me. Spru. By this hand, if you had spoke but yesterday I could have furnisht you. Car. Why, what a rare way is here now, to engage a man for nothing ! I must study it. Spru. How does your brother digest the loss of his inheritance 1 A FINE COMPANION. 121 Car. Very well sure, for sometimes he has nothing else to digest ; and he has enough of that too ; it sticks in his stomach worse than a surfeit. Alas, we landed men are but fools to him, it makes him sober, and wise, very temperate. Sprit. There's Valeria! a foolish peevish thing that he calls mistress, good for nothing but to whet a man's wit, and make a whore on. I can't believe there's any real love between them. Car. Has she received any of your letters ] Spru. Yes, twenty, and nothing will prevail. I have sought to corrupt her any time this twelve month, and can do no good on her; her father gives me opportunity out of pretence of good will, but I use it clean contrary ; for alas, I cannot love any wench farther than to lye with her. I cannot fashion my tongue to speak in any other character. I would not willingly lose all this time and labour. I'll make short of it, either work her to obedience, or do her a mischief. Car. 'Tis well resolved, and there's her sister iEmilia; she will glance sometimes affectionately upon me. Were it not a mad thing, when I have sold all my land to her father to get her into ad- vantage 1 I think that will be the end of it. Spru. Methinks Lackwit, her brother, might stand thee in some stead for the conveyance. Car. Well, 'tis the truest spaniel that ! I put a hundred jeers upon him, and yet he loves me the better. I can pawn him as familiarly as my cloak. Spru. The time calls upon me, Car. I'll dismiss you ! will you present my service to the ladies and excuse me 1 Spru. I shall be proud to make my tongue the organ of your commands, sir. Car. I will hold you no longer from your happiness, but I shall envy the intercourse of your mirth. [Exeunt. 122 A FINE COMPANION. Actus I. Scena VI. DOTARIO, FIDO. Dot. Then he is past hope 1 Fid. He has no sense of his misery ; a strong stupidity, a lethargy has possest him. His disease is infectious, it has caught hold of his estate, and brought that into a consumption. Dot. No means to reclaim him 1 Fid. I know not what to apply. When remedies are hurtful, give him good counsel, and you poison him. Dot. I would my brother had been better advised, than to give his land to a prodigal. Fid. Fitter indeed the right heir should have had it. You might do well to turn your compassion upon him ; a poor injured gentleman, and stands equal in your blood. Dot. No, I'll marry a wife, and get an heir of mine own. I have made a motion to Master Little- good, the usurer, about one of his daughters, and we are partly agreed ; I am going to ask her good will in it. Fid. Look you, sir. Pray, stand by ! here he comes with his train. Enter Careless, Captain, Lieutenant. Car. Is it not well resolv'd, Captain 1 Cap. Yes, by the soul of Hercules ! tis a good foresight, to sell all and prevent misfortunes. The world's full of uncertainties : Land may be barren, servants deceitful, make money I say, and what a man spends with his friends shall ne'er perish. Lieu. I say, by the heart of valour ! that man lives best at ease that has no money at all. Car. What shall he do then, Lieutenant 1 A FINE COMPANION. 123 Lieu. By the faith of a soldier ! for the exercise of his wits he may do any thing : if all trades fail he may turn pimp, 'tis a noble profession to live by. If he can perform that office well, he need ask no more of his Genius. Copt. Body of me ! nor no better preferment. Lieu. As I am a sinner ! 'tis a good science, a mathematical mystery of undermining holds, and, when the breach is open, be the first man that shall enter. Car. But I think there be so many of them, they can hardly live one for another. Lieu. As I am virtuous ! 'tis grown into credit, and you have very good men that study it. Good knights and squires that have thriv'd by it. Capt. Stab me ! what sullen Saturn is that, looks so oblique upon us 1 as I am martial I will con- front his aspect. Car. Good Captain, be appeas'd ! it is my uncle, I cannot avoid him ; let me entreat your absence for a while ! meet me at the Horse-shoe. Capt. Fire of my blood! you shall rule me. Come, Lieutenant ! [Exeunt Captain and Lieutenant. Actus I. Scena VII. Dotario, Careless, Fido. Dot. Shall I speak or hold my peace 1 Car. E'en which you please, good uncle. Lot. Ay, 'tis all one to you, for any impression I shall make. Would I could refrain to take notice of you, but still nature oversways me, and affection breaks out into counsel, but to no purpose. Car. Troth, uncle, youth will have his swing. Dot. Ay, upon a gallows ! if you hold on, that will 124 A FINE COMPANION. be the end of yon. That I should live to see my brother's goods so misspent, the life of his labours suckt out by such horseleeches ! Car. Horseleeches ! do you know what you say ] No, you do not apprehend the worth that dwells in these men. To see how a man may be mistaken in the distinction of virtue ! Fid. Nay, sir, 'tis as I told you : — you may as soon recall an arrow when 'tis flying, or a stone from praecipice, as reclaim him. Car. Oh uncle, that you should thus carp at my happiness, and traduce my comradoes, men of such spirit and valour. Dot. Yes,- Captain and Lieutenant ! how a ven- gence came they by these titles 1 fellows that have been only flesht in the ruin of black pots, and glass windows, the very scum of all rudeness. Car. Have you any money about you ? Dot. What to do % Car. Bribe me to keep counsel. You are but a dead man if they know on't : you have puft out your soul in their calumnies. Fid. Hang them ! fellows so sordid that no dis- grace can stick upon them ; they are choice com- pany, for there's hardly the like of them. A man cannot discern the ground of their discourse for oaths. Unless you were divorced from all reason, you would not be wedded to such acquaintance. Car. Why, how now, mongrel, are you barking 1 By this air ! 'tis an indignity to my discretion, that is so happy in the election of their virtues : the only prime wits in town, things come so rarely from them, a man is kept in a perpetual appetite. I would not let them stay to offend you, neither can I endure their reproach. Farewell, uncle. [Exit Careless. A FINE COMPANION. 125 Dot. Well, I will not trouble myself any more to look after him. I'll marry and thrust him out of all. That's the conclusion. Desinit actus pnimus. Actus II. Scena I. Spruse, Littlegood, Valeria. Spr. But are you certain of it 1 Lit. I o'erheard it, When she did plot her own destruction, And seal'd it Avith her hand, and kist upon't. You know Aurelio ? Spr. Yes, sir ! was it he] Lit. That beggar, that undone thnig ! Spr. Let me alone To fetch her off the quick-sands, and then I'll board her, And steer her myself. Lit. That I were so happy To know she lov'd you. Huswife, do you hear 1 Here is a gentleman has laud and means, And wit, and beauty, more I wis than tother : Make much of him, and what he says be ruled by him. Spr. Let me alone, 1 warrant you. Lit. I leave you. [Exit Littlegood. Spr. Now all the powers of love assist me in it, To counterfeit a passion and dissemble. All my delight's to fool them, and, then leave them. I serve your women as the Hollanders Do by some towns they get \ when they have won them 126 A FINE COMPANION. They slight them straight. Now I address myself. Lady, how fare you 1 You are melancholy. Val. If you do know't so well, why do you ask mel Spr. Tis from the tender care I have of you : But an ill fate pursues my true endeavours, To have them still misconstrued. 'Tis not well done, To lay the burthen of your cruelty On my affection, and to make that faith, The passive subject of your dire disdain, That is so active in obedience. Val. Pray, let me counsel you. Spr. Counsel! what's that? Not Phoebus with his art, or all the drugs Of Thessaly can ease my grief ; the sea Knows no such strait as I now labour in. Val. "Why ! what's the matter 1 Spr. Oh, my heart, my heart ! Would you would rip it up, that you might see Yourself enthron'd, and all my faculties Paying their homage to your memory. I think I do it indifferently. Val. All this and more, lovers can speak at pleasure. Sp>r. Propose a course how I might win belief: Were there a way to it, as deep with danger As to the centre, I will search it out — When I have nothing else to do. Val. Your thoughts have found such easy utter- ance, That I suspect their truth • they seem to savour Of art, more than of passion. I have heard Great griefs are silent, neither do I find Those symptoms of affection in your looks. You change no colour, and your joints are steady, Your eyes appear too full of petulancy, A FINE COMPANION. 127 As if they did reflect with inward scorn, T' upbraid your falsehood. Spr. Now, by all my hopes, By all the rites that crown a happy union, And by the rosy tincture of your cheeks, And by your all subduing eyes, more bright Than heaven — Vol. Hold there ! Spr. I prize you 'bove the world. What should I say, when vows cannot prevail : If you persist, and still so cruel be, I'll swear there's no plague like love's tyranny. And all this while I do not care a pin for her. [Aside. Veil. I have engaged it to your friend already. Spr. But love makes no distinction. Val. If you say so, I must debar my heart the knowledge of you. Spr. This will not do, I must be more lascivious. Come, my fair Venus, sit by thy Adonis. What, do you start 1 are you afraid of love, That is all fair, and from whose brightest heaven Are blown away all swol'n clouds of despair ] His brow is smooth, and all his face beset With banks full of delight, a golden chain Of wanton smiles hangs round about his neck ; And all his way before him strew'd Avith roses. Come let us sit and dally, taste those pleasures. Love is no niggard, we may eat and surfeit, And yet our dainties still remain as fresh, As they were never toucht. Val. Is't come to that 1 I thought whither you tended. I am unskillful : Untaught in those deep, but ill mysteries. Spr. I'll teach you all, and lead your wand'ring steps 128 A FINE COMPANION. Through all those ways, where to find the way- Will be to lose it. Vol. I am very sorry, The time's disease has so prevailed upon you. 'Tis the perfection now of compliment, The only end to corrupt honesty. To prostitute your oaths, and win our hearts To your belief, is the Court eloquence. Spr. These are harsh tunes, and ill become your beauty, Whose proper passion should be wantonness. Why should you lose the benefit of youth, And the delights 1 give freedom to your will ! When age and weakness mortify your thoughts, You may correct this looseness. Vol. Sir, I cannot Hear you with safety. Spr. I must die then. I am slain, unless Those words, and smiles, that wounded me, do heal me. Veil. Had I known that, I'd have condemned them both To silence and obscurity. Spr. You had then Robb'd nature of her best perfection, And that had been a sacriledge. Nay, sweet, Your beauty is a thing communicable, And though you do impart, you may retain it. Val. Sir, I have summ'd th' accounts of all your cares, And I do find their number more than weight. Things but of custom with you, and your vows Are but a cloud of wind, and emptiness ; Forc'd by the storm of lust. When it is over, And your thoughts calm'd, then you will love that virtue, Which as a tie and anchor did withhold you A FINE COMPANION. 129 From driving to destruction. So I leave you. [Exit Valeria. Spr. That ever any woman should be virtuous ! I have enclos'd a fire within my breast, Will burn this frame of nature into cinders. Her beauty has surpris'd me, I am caught In lovi' ; by this light ! 'twere a mad jest now If I should turn honest, and woo her so : If she persists, I must do so believ't, And hate myself, as long as I live for it. Well, I have played so long about the candle, That my wings are sing'd with it ; she is honest ! I see it, and that's something in this age. Out of these doubts some strange thing will arise, A strong disease must have strong remedies. Actus II. Scene II. LlTTLEGOOD, CROCHET. Lit. Crochet, where are you % Cro. I am here, sir ! Lit. Crochet, you know, that I am determined to marry my other daughter ^Einilia to old Dotario the citizen ? Cro. Yes, sir ! and then she and I shall be both in one predicament. Lit. How so, man ] Cro. Why sir, for aught that I can perceive, she is like to have but a cold reversion, and that's the ordinary allowance for men of my function. There's not so much left of him, as will satisfy a lady's appetite for once; he is pickt to the very bones with age and diseases. Lit. 'Tis no matter so long as his purse is well cram'd. Cro. His purse that she looks after is lank enough, I warrant it. It grieves me to the heart, that such I 130 A FINE COMPANION. a young beginner las my mistress should have no better hopes of trading. Lit. Belike thou think'st that nature is uncharit- able in him 1 no, he has benevolence in store for her. What because he is old, I am old myself, man. Cro. And if he were older 'twere no great matter. Lit. If I were older, knave ? Cro. No, sir, if he were older. Lit. Why 1 what then 1 Cro. His death would the sooner make her hon- ourable : for having one foot in the bed, and the other in the grave, if she be rul'd by me, 'tis but her giving him a lift, and the next turn marry with a Lord. Lit. Sayst thou me so 1 Cro. Yes, sir, a citizen's wife no sooner casts her rider, but one of your Court gallants mounts her presently. Lit. The knave is very pleasant. Cro. Why, sir, your citizen's widows are the only rubbish of the Kingdom, to fill up the breaches of decayed houses. Lit. What's her preferment, then, Crochet 1 Cro. Why then, sir, she shall be made a Lady at the least, and take the place of her mother. She shall have clients wait at her gates with presents, and yet have their servile offices pass unregarded, she shall manage her husband's estate, and advise him in his office. Lit. Is that all % Cro. No, sir, she shall have more privileges than that : to be as proud as she list, and have new ways to express it ; she shall ride up and down in her litter, and have a coach and four horses to follow after, full of gentlemen ushers and waiting women. Lit. And yet the foolish girl will not perceive it 1 Cro. Alas, sir, though you and I have so much A FINE COMPANION. 131 wit to look into these things, how should my young mistress be capable of it, when her husband that shall be is not able to put the case to her % Lit. Go ! fetch her hither ; I'll advise myself. {Exit Crochet.) 0, these perverse girls, that are led with nothing, but fancy foolish things, and yet have wit to be obstinate. If they set upon a toy, they must have it because they are willful, then they are as changeable in love as a cameleon, and think they can live by the air of it. They will venture to sell their fathers' fortunes and their own, for a night's lodging. Actus II. Scena III. Enter Littlegood, ^Emilia, and Crochet. Lit. Come, iEmilia ! these showers are unseason- able. They will extinguish the torch, that should burn bright before thy nuptial ; be not dismay'd, you are young and so is Aurora : she looks fresh every morning, yet disdains not to kiss her old Tithon, and lyes all night with him, and, when she rises, betrays with her blushes the wanton heat of her paramour. JEmi. Good sir, think your power may command my duty, but not my affection. Lit. Tempt not my patience! I would not will- ingly use the authority of a father to command, what I had rather win by entreaty. JEmi You know, sir, the inconvenience still happens to these fore'd matches: they never come to good, and, if you compel me to like of him, you must expect the same issue; you shall never make me any other president. Lit. Not when I entreat you ? JEriii. I shall never love him. Cro. And you know, sir, what an ominous thing 132 A FINE COMPANION. it is, when a woman does not love her husband ; she will either cuckold him, or poison him, and so be burnt for a martyr in wedlock. Lit. She must fashion herself to love him ; I have undertook it. Cro. And then I'll undertake for the tother. Lit. Will she have her liberty restrain'd 1 will Ehe renounce my protection ] shall not I dispose of her 1 if not, let her use her pleasure, betray herself like her other sister to beggary, be like Scylla, cut the purple hair of my life, and then turn monster, let her ! Mmi. Oh ! me, what shall I do 1 Would my life were a sacrifice ! Lit. I'll tell you what you shall do, be advis'd ; refuse not a good offer, think of old Dotario, think how to love him, think of his wealth, think of his honour, think of me, think of yourself, think of what will come after, if you he stubborn. Cro. And whate'er you think to do, say nothing, Mistress. Lit. Well Crochet, I'll leave thee to persuade her whilst I fetch the old man to confirm it. [Exit Littlegoodi Almi. my distracted thoughts, and the rash counsel Of love and hatred, when they are oppos'd By avarice of parents, that confine Their children's fancies to their sordid mind. Were the, bright sun their offspring, they would join him Unto the earth, if gold might be engend'red. We in ourselves have no part if deharred The election of our love, and our condition Is worse than beasts, whose will acknowledged No check in that ; the turtle takes her mate Without compulsion, and, in summer's prime, A FINE COMPANION. 133 Each bird will choose out her own valentine. Cro. Well, mistress, you do not apprehend the good you may have by marrying of an old man. JEmi. Prithee, what good ] Cro. First, besides the honour he shall confer upon you by his age, you shall not find him so fiery and unruly as commonly your youths are, and thereupon, being cold of his tempter, you may the easier manage him. JEmi. Thy mirth comes importunely on my grief. Cro. Then you shall be his darling, and he shall dote upon you, and, though he strives to please you never so much, he shall lament that he can do it no better, and acknowledge his weakness, that he comes short of your desert, and what he desires, and be sorry that all he has is too little for you. JEmi. I perceive it well enough, Crochet. Cro. The only thing that you need fear him for is his tongue, for they say old men are great talkers, but you'll match that member well enough, and for any other part about him, you'll have but little to do withal. Actus II. Scena IV. Enter to them Littlegood, Dotapjo. Lit. Look you, here comes the old lecher ! he looks as fresh as an old play new vampt. Pray see how trim he is, and how the authors have corrected him; how his tailor and his barber have set him forth ; sure he has received an other impression. jEmi. I think the fool will be tedious. Lit. Well, now I have brought you together, here I'll leave you. When lovers parley, parents are no fit auditors ; see that you use the gentleman respectively, and. though, sir, she seem coy and 134 A FINE COMPANION. deny you, impute it not to perverseness but modesty. Maids in their first assault consult with shame, in the next with weakness. So I leave you. [Exit Lit. Dot. Fair mistress, I would ask you a question, if you please to answer me. JEmi. No mistress of yours, sir ; yet, if you ask nothing but what I please to answer, you may. Dot. I would first demand your opinion of me. JEmi. Truly I have no skill to make any objec- tion by the outward appearance, but, by the title page of your face, I should judge you to be some- what ancient. Dot. Take my word for it the index is false printed ; if you please to turn to the book, you shall find no such thing written. JEmi. 0, 'tis worm eaten ! time has cankered it ; besides, there be so many dashes, my understanding will not serve me to read it, and a woman has no use of her clergy. Dot. But love has renew'd it, sweet lady, and this is another edition. JEmi. How long is it since the copy has been alter'd 1 Dot. Let it not seem strange to you that I have felt this transformation. Your form has wrought a miracle upon me ; the pulchritude of your feature, that is able to extract youth out of age, and could make yEson young again, without the help of Medea, it has put a fire into me, and I must impute it neither to herbs nor philtrums, but to the influence and power of your beauty. JEmi. A fire 1 'tis a foolish one that leads you with- out the precinct of your gravity. Ay, strange a man of your judgement should talk so preposterously. Dot. Why, sweet lady 1 JEmi. Sweet lady 1 what a petulant word is there, for a man of your beard 1 a boy of fifteen would A FINE COMPANION. 135 not have spoke it without blushing, and there's a smile able to turn my stomach ! I wonder you will make yourself so ridiculous. Cro. If this be the best language she can afford him, 'twere safe for me not to hear it. I may be call'd for a witness. Dot. Stay, Crochet, whither goest thou 1 Cro. I'll come presently, sir! I'll come presently. [Exit Crochet. yEmi. Now you are alone, I'll tell you what I think of you. You are an old doting fool, one that twenty years since has drunk the Lethe of humanity and forgot of what sex thou wert, worn out of all remembrance of thyself; thou hast a body that a fever cannot heat, nor poison work upon, a face more rugged than winter, thy beard is moss, and thy skin so hard, that the perpetual dropping of thy nose cannot soften it. Dot. These indignities are not to be endur'd; her abuses are more monstrous than the prodigy she would make of me. JEmi. And yet you would be in love, forsooth, whom Cupid with all his strength is not able to pierce : you have not one pore open to let in an arrow. More need have a cordial to comfort you. Dot. Rank injuries mock me to my teeth. JEmi. If you had any. Dot. I would your father heard you : he left no such thing in your commission. How dare you do it? JEmi, Yes, and if I marry you, I'll use you ac- cordingly : I'll have no mercy on your age. I tell you beforehand, that, when it happens, it may not seem strange to you. Dot. Well, she may play with the line, I'll give her scope enough, but, when I have her fast, I'll twitch her, and draw her as I list to me. \ Aside, 136 A FINE COMPANION. JEmi. Do but hear what I say to you, and it shall fall out ; no prognostication like it. Dot. Sure 'tis some fury ! it cannot be a woman, she is so impudent. JEmi. When 1 am your wife, if you are so hardy to venture on me, your whole study shall be to please me, and yet I will not grace it with accep- tance. I will live as your Empress, lye a-bed, and command you and your servants, and you shall not dare to anger me. Dot. Not dare to anger you 1 JEmi. No, if you do, I will fill the house with noise, and deaf thee with clamours. Dot. Sweet heart, you shall have all content, I love [such] a life. These spirited wenches that are all fire and motion, they stir a quickness in a man, infuse an activity. JEmi. He will not be put off, I must terrify him further. And, for your estate, you shall not meddle with it. I'll take up your rents for you, and dispose of them as I think fit ; only I'll allow you to carry some farthings in your j>ouch to give to beggars. Dot. And what will you do with the rest, sweet- ing'? JEmi. For the rest, I'll spend it upon myself in bravery : there shall not be a new fashion, but I'll have it. I'll look after nothing else ; your house shall be a mart for all trades. I'll keep twenty continually at work for me ; as tailors, perfumers, painters, apothecaries, coach-makers, sempsters, and tire-women. Besides embroiderers, anil pen- sions for intelligencers. Dot. She'll waste all I have in a month : the ex- penses of an army will not maintain her. JEmi. Besides, I will have acquaintance with all the Ladies in Court, and entertain them with ban- A FINE COMPANION. 137 quets,yet for all that I will make my complaint of you to them, traduce your infirmities, and they shall conspire against you, and pity me. Dot. I had rather be under twenty executions than the lash of their tongues. JEmi. Then you shall kiss me very seldom, and when I vouchsafe you the favour : and you shall do it not as a husband but as a father, not a smack of lasciviousness. Dot. What a sanctified creature shall I enjoy ! JEmi. I will lye with you the first year once a- month, as a parson uses to instruct his Cure, and yet not be questional for neglect, or non-residence: marry the next year, if you live so long, once a quarter shall suffice you. Dot. The next year if I live so long 1 she thinks of my death already. JEmi. These are the least of your evils. I will have one to cuckold you, and you shall take it for a courtesy, and use him the kindlier fey it. Dot ^ Oh, me ! I can endure it no longer, that word stiikes cold to my heart. Were I an enemy, and she had vanquisht me, I would not yield to such articles. I'll propose these conditions to her father, and see if he will allow them in all con- science to be reasonable. [Exit Dotarlo. JEmi. Master Careless promised to be here in- stantly. Til tell him what a fine youth he has to his uncle. Enter Careless, drunk. Car. Here is the gulph that swallows all my land : And to this desperate whirlpit am I reeling. And there's the smooth stream that must guide me to it. Were I as provident, as was -Ulysses, 138 A FINE COMPANION. That Syren there might sing me to my ruin. Save you, fair lady. JEmi. Save you, Master Careless. Car. "Will you hear me speak any wise sentences'? I am now as discreet in my conceit As the seven Sophies of Greece, I am full Of oracles, I am come from Apollo ; Would he had lent me his tripos to stand upon, For my two legs can hardly carry me. JEmi. Whence come you 1 from Apollo ] Car. From the heaven Of my delight, where the boon Delphic god Drinks sack, and keeps his Bacchanalias, And has his incense, and his altars smoking, And speaks in sparkling prophecies ; thence do I come ! My brains perfum'd with the rich Indian vapour, And height'ned with conceits, from tempting beauties, From dainty music and poetic strains, From bowls of nectar, and ambrosiac dishes : From witty varlets, fine companions, And from a mighty continent of pleasure, Sails thy brave Careless. Where's your father, lady ? JEmi I thought I had been worthy salutation. Car. These ceremonies are abolisht with me. I kiss none but my punk, but, in this humour, I'll kiss any body. I'll marry thee ; But not a penny jointure. JEmi. Where I love, I will not stand upon conditions. Car. I would accept this invitation, But thy father is a usurer, a Jew ; And if I marry in his tribe, I shall thrive. And I hate thriving. I am come to mortgage, To pawn or sell, lady. A FINE COMPANION. 139 <&mi. Do you want money ? Car. Do I want money ? let me consider this. 'Tis a good promising question, and requires A sober and politic answer. Yes, I want money. JEmi. I have not ready coin; but there's a jewel Will fetch you twenty pound. Our. But do you dare trust me 1 jEmi. I give it freely. Car. Then, I say, thy father, In getting thee has redeemed all his sin. She has confirm'd my love, and I will marry her. Let me survey it well, 'tis an amethyst. JEmi. Why do you ask 1 Car. Because they say that stone Has secret virtue in it to recover A man that's intoxicated, and I do find That I am not so drunk, as I was. jEmi. 0, Master Careless, here has been your uncle A-wooing to me. Car. What ! that piece of stockfish, That has kept Lent thus long, would have young flesh now 1 JEmi. If he could get it. Car. 'Tis such a rank goat. JEmi. I made such sport with him, and terrified him, How I would use him if I were his wife, That he is frighted hence. Car. 'Tis well done of you ! he upbraided me too That he would marry, but I'll cross his worship. We'll vex him ten times worse yet, I have plots Maturing in my head shall crown thy wit, And make him desperate, that he shall die And leave us nothing. I would not be troubled 140 A FINE COMPANION, With any of his wealth, no not so much As to mourn for him, but I cannot stand Now to relate it. Come, ./Emilia ! I have declar'd my mind, but when I'll do it, I'll in, and sleep, and dream upon't, and tell thee. Actus II Scene V. Enter Littlegood, Mistress Fondling. Fond, Bring me to that, and I'll yield to any- thing. Lit. Nay, good wife, hear me ! Fond. You shall pardon me. He is my son, I hope, as well as yours, and he shall be fashion'd after my humour. Why should you think to hinder my prospect from looking to him 1 I say he shall rank with the best, spend his money and learn breeding. Lit. Do, make a gallant of him or a gull, either will serve; he may ride up and down, and have his coach wait for him at the plays and taverns, take up upon trust, consort with wits and sword- men, be afraid of sergeants, and spend more for his protection than would pay the debt. He may be a stickler for cjuarrels, and compound them at his own charge ; reel every night to his lodging, and be visited in the morning with borrowing letters, dice at ordinaries, and lend on all hands : seal at all hours, or be beaten to it. These are gifts in a son, beyond art or nature, for a father to be proud of; or else he may run away with all he can get, and, when 'tis gone, lye at a neighbour's house till his peace be made. Fond. No, you shall keep him still at home with you ; he shall not dare to enlarge his charter, to have any more wit than his father, let him sit in the shop with ne'er a pair of cuffs on his hands, and play at A FINE COMPANION. HI fox and geese with the foreman, entertain customers with a discourse as moth-eaten as your cloth, and not be able to look upon a lady, but court some silly creature of his own tribe, with speeches out of books, ten times worse than any remnant ; and after supper steal abroad and be drunk in fear, this you can be content with. Well, when he was a child, it was the prettiest talking thing, and the wittiest withal, the neighbours took such delight to hear it. There was a good knight lay in my house then was so kind to him, but you ne'er knew the reason, since you have clean marr'd him, that's apparent. Lit. I'll do anything, wife, that you will have me. Fond. Yes, when 'tis too late, and the custom of rusticity is grown into another nature with him, when his mind is settled upon the lees of it, and the edge of his humour quite taken off, when learn- ing has brought down his spirit, then you'll repent his restraint ; has he not a pretty ingenuity 1 Lit. So' much the worse, when 'tis corrupted : mark me what I say, give him the reins, and if fiddlers sleep in a week, taverns keep their doors shut, the constable sit on a stall in peace, or wenches walk the streets for him (if he be like his father) ne'er credit me again. Fond. So much the better, I would have it so, give him means to perform it, shew yourself a lov- ing father, and be true in your prophecy. Lit. I must yield to her for my quietness' sake. Was ever man thus tied to a chymera, thus vext with that should be his happiness 1 I have married with tumult, and begot my affliction, not one of my generation will be rul'd ; and for my wife, she has a tongue will run post sixteen stages together, and ne'er tire of it ; with that she can work me to any agreement. Well, take your son to your 142 A FINE COMPANION. charge, do what you list with him : but for the wenches, I'll either chuse them husbands, or else they shall trudge without any other dowry than what nature has bestowed on them, that's certain. Fond. "Within there ! call your young master hither, Crochet ! he has been all this day at his study, makes the boy mopish with his scholarship, for want of better exercise ; as revelling, courting, feasting, and the like, he stands plodding and mus- ing as if his eyes turn'd with a wire, it has poison'd his very complexion, he is grown sallow with it. I know not what would become of him if I did not sometimes put money in his purse, and send him abroad, to sin for his recreation. Lit. Sweet wife, be pacified. Fond. No, I'll teach you what 'tis to anger a wo- man that brought a dowry with her. Enter Crochet and Lackwit. See what a picture of formality you have made of him ! come hither, son Lackwit, what book have you there 1 Luck. This is a book of Heraldry, forsooth, and I do find by this book that the Lackwits are a very ancient name, and of large extent, and come of as good a pedigree as any is in the city ; besides they have often matcht themselves into very great families, and can quarter their arms, I will not say with Lords, but with squires, knights, aldermen, and the like, and can boast their descent to be as generous as any of the Lafools, or the John Daws whatsoever. Fond. What be the Arms, son ? Lack. The Lackwits' Arms 1 why, they are three asses rampant, with their ears prickant, in a field. A FINE COMPANION. 143 or, and a ram's head for their crest, that's the Arms. Fond. Well said, son, stand for the credit of the house. Lack. Nay, I will uphold it besides ! though my father be a citizen, yet I am a gentleman's son by the mother's side. Fond. Ay, that he is, I'll be sworn, the Fondlings are as good gentlemen as any be in the city, the boy has a parlous head, how should he find out this, I marvail 1 Lad: Find it out ! as if I were such a fool I did know my own coat. Fond. Yet husband, I never saw you wear one in my life. Lit. Not a fool's coat, but, I shall have one of your spinning very shortly. Lack. I'll tell you, father, if I list now ; I can go twenty degrees back like a crab, to find out the track of our gentility. Fond, Lo, you there ! can you be content, thou man perverse to all reason, having a son of so large and prosperous hopes, that might stand up for the glory of his kindred, of such pregnancy of wit and under- standing, so rich in the qualities that can bear up a gentleman, to let him sink and not cherish him with those helps that might advance his gallantry 1 You have had your flourishing season, and are now withered, your blossoms of beauty are blown off, and therefore must be content out of that dry stalk to afford some sap to maintain his succession ; pray, how many young gentlemen have you in this town, that go in plush and their fathers to plough in the country 1 Shall we have worse presidents in the city ? Impart I say, and give him twenty pieces, and when they are gone give him twenty more. Lit. What to do ? 144 A FINE COMPANINN. Fond. Will you disparage him, as if he knew not what to do with it 1 Do you think that fencers, dancers, horse-matches — I'll have him versed in all these, and omit nothing that may demonstrate his breeding ; — besides mistresses, and implements that belong to them require nothing 1 Lit. Was ever any mother in this humour ? that should reclaim her son from his ill courses, to animate him, and supply his riot : let her enjoy her follies, smart for them, and then repent. Here, hold ! there's twenty pieces, I am sure all are thrown away; they are in a consumption already, and will be dead, and drawn out by to-morrow. What thinkest thou, Crochet? Cro. Nay, sir, they are condemn'd, that's certain; you have past your judgement upon them, and my young master must execute it. Lit. I give it lost, Crotchet, I give it lost ; but stay, my daughters ! I had need have Argus' eyes to look about me, or the dragons that watcht the Hesperides. I am beset on all hands ; my daugh- ters are wily, my wife wilful, my son I know not what, with the fear of my money, do so distract me that my wits are disjointed amongst them, all the remainder of my hopes is, if Valeria have proved tractable to Mr Spruse, and that Dotai-io has re- ceived comfort in his ^Emilia. I labour with ex- pectation till I go in and be delivered. [Exit LUtlegood. Fond. Stay, husband, I'll go with you ! but, hark you, son Lackwit, do you know to what purpose this gold was given you 1 Lack. To no purpose at all, but I know what I purpose to do with it. Fond. What is't ? Lack. I purpose to make a medicine of it. Fond. A medicine ! A FINE COMPANION. 145 Lack. Yes, I will dissolve it into Aurum potabile, and drink nothing but healths with it. Fond. Then you are right. Lack. Nay, I will domineer, and have my humours about me too. Fond. Do anything for the improvement of your discipline. Come, Crochet. [Exit Fondling. Lack. Stay, Crochet, do you perceive nothing ? you dull animal, look here ! Cro. Ay, sir, I hope you mean to give me one or two of them. Lack. No, I will not give, nor lend a friend a penny, there's no such confutation of a man's being a gentleman ; but when I am drunk, and have my wine and my whores about me, I'll spend twenty or thirty shillings upon you, but I will not give you a penny, Crochet. Cro. Then, farewell, sir! Lack. You know where to come to me, you shall find me in my pontificalibus. Desinit actus secitndus. Actus III. ScenaI. Enter ^Emilia, and Valeria. JEmi. Come sister, though our liberty be straight- ened, Our mind stands free without compulsion, There's none can make a rape upon our will. Well if they understood a woman truly, They would not seek to curb so, whose nature Rejoices like a torrent, to make way Spite of impediments. Now, if their wisdom Should let us alone, we might perhaps ourselves Find out the inconvenience and prevent it, K 14G A FINE COMPANION. Which they like a false perspectiv e would seek To multiply upon us. Veil. I shall never Eecall that faith, which I have plighted once To my Aurelio. I'll run all hazards And violent attempts to throw myself Into his arms. JEmi. I would not have you leave him, Nor yet turn desperate. Now Avould I rather Get him by some device, I love a witty And an ingenuous trick above my life : And should take more delight to over-reach them, Than to enjoy my purpose. Val. But I dare not Play with my fortune so, nor trust adventures, If fate would be so gracious to present An opportunity. JEmi. Come, fear it not ! You see what a man they would put upon me, Might be my father. H' has less vigour in him Than any Catamite.* There's not reserv'd So much as one masculine grain in him. A fellow that's as bald as a looking-glass, And whose diseases are beyond arithmetic : Not a joint of him free. A gouty numbness Has seiz'd his feet and fingers, and there's all The stiffness he has left : and, were I married, I must spend all my life in rubbing of him With hot woollen cloths, applying plaisters, And cataplasms, and trenchers to his belly ; Must undergo the person of a surgeon, Not of a wife ; and yet I am not terrified : It moves me not, [ make a jest of it ; Because I mean t'abuse them all, and chuse * A boy hired to te abused, contrary to nature. A Gany- mede. — Jjiount. A FINE COMPANION. 147 Where I like best. Vol. It is a happy spirit That rules in you, I would I had one like it. JEmi. Like me ] thou hast not studied thyself so well, Nor hast that season of thy mother in thee. Observe her fashions, take example by them : Although her husband be penurious, Hard as the metal that he dotes upon, Yet she can make him malleable,* and work him, And turn, and hammer him, and wire-draw him, And rule him with as much correction As one would wish to govern. For my part, When I have stretcht my brains, made all the shifts The wit of woman can be pregnant of, And shew'd my love by such experience As shall outstrip belief, all for his sake That shall enjoy me, which is Master Careless ; And when he has me, if he shall presume On former passages of my affection To oversway me in the least desire, To contradict, and tempt my patience, I'll shake off all obedience, and forget it. I'll slight him, yet prevail. Vol. Alas, my heart is Tender and violable Avith the least weapon Sorrow can dart at me. j£mi. You are a fool ! And every one that will can make you so : When was your sweetheart, Master Spruse, here with you 1 Vol. But lately, and presented such a scene Of protestations, and then varied it So cunningly, that love and lust together Were interwoven with such subtle threads * In the original, " Malleruable." 148 A FINE COMPANION. That I could scarce distinguish them. Mmi. Take heed ! Whate'er he speaks it tends but to corrupt you ! I'd join commerce of language with a sphinx Ere I'd deign to answer him. Master Careless Told me his humours, seems he boasted of it, He gave his character, the most perfidious And love abusing creature in the world ; — That all his vows were treacherous, his smiles, His words and actions, like small rivulets, Through twenty turnings of loose passions, At last would run to the dead sea of sin. Val. Whate'er he says I resolve ne'er to trust him. JEmi. Be wise, and constant, and then govern fate. And in the interim, howe'er matters fall, We'll find a trick, wench, how to cheat them all. Actus III. Scena II. Valeria, ^Emilia, Spruse. Val. See, here he comes again ! Spr. I come, sweet lady, To rear the trophies of your conquest up, And yield myself the greatest. Val. What's the matter 1 Spr. Your looks have tane me prisoner. I am captiv'd, Bound with the golden chain of your loose hair, And on your frowns depends my destiny. Val. Tis about the old matter ; you may save This labour, or go seek some new device. In faith, these stale exordiums cannot take me. JEmi. Indeed, my sister and I know you well enough. A FINE COMPANION. I 49 Spr. But, lady, since my change you do not know me. I am now metamorphos'd, and that fancy That roved, and was rebellious, by her power Is brought within command. Vol. Ay, so you told me. Spr. Here I present a sad oblation, A heart that bringeth its own fire with it, And burns before your beauty's deity, Offer'd up with as much devotion As ever true love sacrificed any. Vol. Well, you may jest with mortals, but I am not So blind but I can see through all your mists : Were I a goddess, as you term me one. Sister to Phoebus, or armed like Minerva, I would transform you straight ; and fix you up A monument for your hypocrisy. Spr. Now, by that sacred shrine, brighter than Venus, To whom I pay my orizons, that form, That fair Idea, that rules all my thoughts, Thyself I mean, that spotless seat of pleasure — The continent of all perfection, — This spring of love, that issues from my soul, Runs in a stream as pure as are your virtues, Full fraught with zeal, immaculate and free From all adulterate mixtures. Vol. On my life ! I can not frame me to believe one word. JEmi. Hold thy own there, wench, and I war- rant thee. Spr. Phoebus, how have I anger'd thee to lay Cassandra's curse on me that was not trusted, When she spake true and most prophetically ? JEmi. Sir, he that is accustom'd to deceive Gains this reward by it when he speaks truth, 150 A FINE COMPANION. Not to be credited. Spr. Observe me, lady, And mark the harmony; does it not sound Upon the string, as if my heart kept touch 1 Vol. And so it sounded first to the same tune. Spr. That was ill-set; this is a different passion. Vol. But 'tis all shew ; and nothing serious. Spr. You cannot judge by former evidence : It is no fit proof to confirm this motion, This is a true text, that a false gloss of it. Vol. But I shall never so interpret it. Spr. What can I say more, than to swear I love you? Vol. But should you now dissolve your eyes to tears, Were every accent in your speech a sigh, And every gesture, every motion in you, An hieroglyphic to commend that love : Had you the spells of it, and magic charms, Set round about the circle of your arms, To draw me to you, I would seal my ears, Deaf as the sea, to shipwreck'd mariners. And so I leave you to your better fortunes. [Exeunt Valeria, ^Emilia. Valeria loses her ring in a paper. Spr. Am I despised and slighted 1 Foolish girl, Th' hast lost thyself ; that which is best in nature Turns to the worst corruption, my scorn'd love Shall now convert to hatred. 'Tis decreed, Fraud and revenge shall be my counsellors ; What's here ! a ring 1 She lost it now, I know it, The same Aurelio wont to wear on's finger ; He sent it as a gift 1 'tis so, the poesy : In love I write All my grief, all my delight. The very same. Were I best to poison it, And send it back to her 1 No, it shall serve A FINE COMPANION. J 51 T poison her good name ; there's no foul fact, That love, when it is injur'd, dares not act. [Exit. Actus III. Scena III. Aurelio, Froo. A ur. Come, honest Fido, thy best love supplies Part of my hoped fortunes. That's true friend- ship, Misery cannot shake, which crowns thy merit. Fid. Sir, could my power produce forth anything "Worthy your acceptation, or my service, I would with hazard of my life perform it. So much I owe your virtues, so much pity Your injuries ; but this poor task so easy, Consisting more of policy than danger, Gives not my love an equal testimony. Aur. You could not do an office more deserving, Or grateful to my soul, than to bring tidings How my love fares, each syllable she spake, Though by an echo I receive the voice, Is able to inspire new life into me. How does she 1 is she well and mindful of us ? Speak it a thousand times ; never did sound Touch a more gladsome ear. Fid. By all circumstance I could conjecture, I read in her looks A strange disturbance. When I gave the ring. All ^ A letter to her, as if joy and fear Had run on several errands, and return'd, Swift as her thoughts, and spoke her love in silence. A ur. Th' hast seen the treasury of my happiness. Speak ! am I rich or no ? Fid. She is a mine, A store-house of all beauty, all content : Her brow a bank of pleasure ; her bright eyes, 152 A FINE COMPANION. The chief and only mover of your love, So multiplied their flames, that they appear'd To me most like a firmament of fires, Yet chaster than the vestal ; and below, Clouded with sorrow, which dropt pearls for you, And does enclose a soul richer than it, Wherein is lockt the wardrobe of all virtues ; Yet sure that soul had left her mansion, But that she stays to bid you welcome thither. Aru. And why should I be stay'd from going to her 1 Why should a covetous eye watch o'er that wealth That is my right 1 I will go claim my due, And justify the seizure. Why should parents, That can give to their children neither minds Nor yet affections, strive to govern both ] 'Tis not justice : yet where should I complain 1 Love has no bar to plead at, nor no laws To rule us by, nor Court to judge our cause. Actus III. Scena IV. Enter Captain Whibble. What's he that interrupts our quiet sorrow ? Fid. Sir, this is Captain Whibble, the town stale, For all cheating employments : a parasite Of a new sect ; none of your soothing varlets, But a swearing sycophant that frights a man Into a belief of his worth ; his dialect Is worse than the report of a cannon, And deafs a stranger with tales of his valour, Till his conclusion be to borrow money. His company is a cipher in the reckoning, That helps to multiply it : your dear brother Admires his discipline, and will swear to it, Aur. Is this one of his comrades % A FINE COMPANION. 153 Fid. Sir, this is His prime associate. I'll lay a hundred pound, I guess by his physiognomy his business ; He is either trudging now unto a broker, Or to invite some new heir unto a breakfast, To seal for the commodity ; or else Wandering abroad to skelder * for a shilling Amongst your bowling alleys ; most commonly There lies his scene : or perhaps man some whore, A province that he usually adorns. Aur. Prithee, good Fido, go and baffle him ! Put an affront upon him. If his valour Prompt him to make resistance I'll step out And second thee. Fid. His valour 1 'Tis the least Thing to be fear'd, he has not one spark in him To kindle a true anger. [Fido justles him. Cap. Sulphur of Styx ! Can you not see 1 death ! where be your eyes 1 You'd have me wash them in the channel, would you ? Fid. Yes, very fain, sir, if you durst attempt it. Cap. Heart ! do you stem me 1 and lie had a beak He might have split me : body of Jupiter ! He ran me athwart the midships : spirit of fury ! I think that he has sprung a plank in me. Fid. Then you may lye by the lee, and mend it. Cap. Horror of man ! lay a captain aboard 1 A man of war, and not cry amain to him 1 Fid. How ! you a captain ] I rather believe That you are one of those that upon service Were seen to carry tomkins in your guns, And made a shift to discharge a league off : Was it not so 1 that might take up your bullet, And shoot again and do no hurt with it. You a man of war 1 * Swindle. 154 A FINE COMPANION. Cap. 'Slife ! do you question it 1 I'll tell the slave, to thy astonishment, I have been styl'd " the rock of pirates," I ; I have plough'd up the sea, till Bosphorus Has worship'd me ; I have shot all the gulphs, And seen the navel of the Avorld, you stinkard ! Fid. How ? slave ! and stinkard ! since you are so stout, I will see your commission ere I part. Cap. Strength of my brains ! see my commission'? I'll blow thee up like a deck. Son of Neptune ! Off, or I'll fire thee. Fid. I am grappled with you, And will hang by your side till you be calmer, And be so, or I'll lay my trident on you. Come, to your tacklings ! Cap. 'Tis a bold active boy ! I see there's nothing to be got but knocks by him. Give me thy hand, old Kover, hoist up thy top-sail, And go in peace ! Fid. Sir, this will not appease me ; I must have satisfaction. Cap. Reach me thy fist, And be reconcil'd. What, thou dost not know me 1 Though I am valiant, yet 'tis out of the road Of my humour to disgrace any man. Fid. This will not satisfy me. Cap. I say again Give me thy wrist ! Know me and my lodging ; I'll give thee a supper : there's a good plump wench, My hostess, a waterman's widow at the sign Of the Red Lettuce in Southwark, shall bid thee welcome. Fid. But I must have you leave your swearing first, And be temperate. A FINE COMPANION. 155 Cap. Hear me, honest Trojan ! As I am virtuous, as I love my friends, That I may swear. Fid. No, not as you are virtuous. Cap. Why, then, on my word, I'll give thee a supper. What 1 I will not offend thee, my good drumstick ; I'll conform myself, come to me at night, And I'll be as good as my word, old Bracer. Fid. But if I come, and lose my labour, what follows 1 Cap. Then, Teucer, in pure zeal and verity — Fid. I'll belabour you the next time I meet you. Cap. What, Scuffler ! dost thou think I'll fail my friends 1 No, Hector ! I scorn it. I'll pawn my cloak first. Farewell, Actorides. [Exit Captain. Enter Aurelio. Aur. What, is he gone 1 Fid. Ay, and as glad he has escap'd from me, As from the Syrtes.* Aur. How ! he bore it out With impudence ? Fid. Yes, did you observe him 1 There's nothing can discountenance him, still This is his posture : he were excellent To venture at a lottery. Aur. Why, Mischief ? Fid. I do not think he would ever draw a blank. * Two sandbanks in the Mediterranean, on the coast of Africa — one near Leptis, the other near Carthage most danger- ous in navigation, from their often changing places. " From this circumstance," observes Lempriere, quoting from the best Latin authorities, " that word has been used to denote any part of the sea, if the navigation was attended with danger, either from whirlpool, or from hidden rocks." 156 A FINE COMPANION. Aur. We must pursue the project. Sup with him At any hand. Fid. The jest is behind to see, In what a miserable perplexity, He will be put to entertain us. Aur. Come ! [Exeunt. Actus III. Scena V. Enter Dotario, Littlegood, ^Emilia. Dot. You know, father, for I must still call you so, how you charg'd your daughter to use me re- spectively. Lit. Yes, marry, did I! and to show a double duty, as might suit with the reverence of your age, and honour of her husband. Dot. Well, and as soon as you were gone, she had no more regard to me, than if I had been an old horse, or an old servingman. Lit. Why, 'tis impossible she should transgress in such a high point of humanity. Dot. Elsewhere was some fury in her shape that did so. I am sure she shap'd me out to be the ridi- culousest old ass in Europe. Lit. Her modesty would not permit it in her. Dot. If my words have any weight in them, she set as light by me, as by the least feather in her fan. Lit. Why, is this true, iEmilia 1 Mmi. No, indeed, sir. Dot. How, no indeed ] do you deny it 1 O pal- pable, she reckon'd up a whole catalogue of abuses and malicious practises that she would assault me with, if I were her husband ; the least of which were above all patience. A^mi. Do you think, sir, if I intended any such thing, I would have forewarned you 1 A FINE COMPANION. 157 Lit. No, 'tis not likely. Dot. That you had but heard the disgrace she put upon me, in calumniating the vigour and ability of my person. Lit. I cannot believe it. Dot, And then terrified me, that the wind of her humour should be still against me, to cross me in everything I desired, yet the course of my destiny should be more impetuous than before. JEmi. The old gentleman did but dream so. Dot. Nay, more ! she said I was an old, dry stump, that had not the least drop of moisture in me, yet, by the virtue of her humidity, she would make my temples so supple that they should sprout and bud a-fresh. Lit. Come ! she would not say so '? Dot. Yes, and that all my estate should be too little to maintain her in prodigality, and invite acquaintance. jne is my father. L