THE 
 
 INSANE WORLD 
 
 Tout les hommes sont foux, et maJfrh levr somSf 
 Ne different entr'eui, que du plus ou du mains. 
 
 BOILEAU. 
 
 All men are mad : and, spite of all finesse. 
 The madness diflFers but in more or less. 
 
 PUBLISHED BY J. HATCHARD, PICCADILLY; 
 AND WI!,I.IA.M.S AND CO. STATIONERS' COURT, LUDGATE STREET. 
 
 1818. 
 
Jj?^^^'?^ 
 
 GTFP 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 
 Pag« 
 Introduction.— TAe Author's painful situation — 
 arrives in LondoTi-^a strange assertion hy Mr. 
 Grey, that " all mankind are mad"-^A cJiallenge 
 to investigate this, accepted hy the Author 1 
 
 First jynv."— Visit to the Bank-^Siock Exchange 
 —'Royal Exchange — City Coffee-house. — Dispute 
 between a Captain and Lieutenant — An Apothecary 
 and Lawyer. — Return to the Inn, and Recapitula' 
 tion 8 
 
 Second Day. — Covent Garden, and the Westminster 
 Election — St. James's on a Court-day— the Park 
 •—the Literary Coffee-house; Conversation between 
 a bookseller, an author, and two reviewers. — The 
 Theatre. — Return to the inn. — Mr. Thompson's 
 effecting narrative of the seduction of his daughter, 
 and conversation thereon 50 
 
 Third D\y.'-~- Westminster Hall: Trial of insanity : 
 Practice of the Bar : Perjury. — Auction room : 
 Mr. Puffs display of talent.-^The Scienti/ic /«- 
 stitiite : The beau parson : Heraldry : Novels. — 
 Lecture on Galvanism : Cruelty to animals : Scep- 
 tical philosophy : Infdelity : Missions. — Return to 
 the inn : Mr. Steadyman's visit to Newgate, and 
 remarks ., 64 
 
 ^ 574 
 
ir CONTENTS. 
 
 Pag« 
 Fourth Day. — Meeting to form a Lancastrian 
 School — Opposed hy Dr. Stiff — Supported hy 
 Friend Worthy — Diniier at Dr. Scott's — Conver- 
 sation on injideliiy : Cards : Music : Value of 
 time, <^c. 129 
 
 Fifth Day. — The British Museum : Mummies: 
 Instrumeitts of war : Royal Letters : Lying : My- 
 thology, Sfc 186 
 
 Sixth Day — f Sunday J. — Visit to a chapel for frail 
 females : Sermon agaiiist being righteous ovei'^ 
 much : Prostitution : Dinner conversation at Mr. 
 Brown's. — Afternoon Sermon of a rational Dis- 
 senter. — Evening Sermon of an Evangelical Cler- 
 gyman—Christianity justified frofm the cJiarge of 
 insanity ^^^9 
 
 Seventh Day. — Final meeting at the inn. — Mr. 
 Grey's farewell address. — Summary of the pre- 
 ceding adventures. — The busy — gay — political — 
 literary — religious — world — all mad. — Causes of 
 lunacy — 07ily hope of cure — instances-^conclusion 9.(i5 
 
THE 
 
 INSANE WORLD. 
 
 Good Reader, 
 
 Before we travel together through the 
 following work, it is desirable that we form 
 some acquaintance ; at least, I will give 
 you my narrative, and it shall rest with you, 
 whether or not to take me for a companion. 
 Once 1 was a family man, and surround- 
 ed with domestic comforts. For more than 
 twenty years I had the strange felicity to 
 love and be beloved ; and such was the 
 mutual attraction between me and my con- 
 jugal companion, that twice only during 
 that period were we separated for four and 
 twenty hours together. But I have lost my 
 idol ; and the children which were the fruit 
 of our affection, are scattered to seek their 
 fortunes — '^ the world before them," and 
 
 B 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 the hand of " Providence/' I trust, to be 
 their *^ Guide." As for me, to my be- 
 dimmed eyes every surrounding object ap- 
 pears discoloured or distorted, while it 
 brings to my recollection the dear v^^oman 
 who used to participate, and thereby to 
 heighten, ray enjoyments. Even the charms 
 of Spring, with which I used to be enrap- 
 tured, can delight no more : — the trees 
 bud, and the flowers bloom — the birds sing, 
 and the doves coo — to me, alas ! in vain. 
 
 Thus solitary and forlorn, I lately came 
 to London, partly to divert my mela^ncholy, 
 and partly to enquire after a relation, who, 
 from a similar bereavement some time since, 
 became deranged, and had been admitted a 
 patient at St. Luke's Hospital. 
 
 I put up at a respectable inn in the city, 
 to which I had been directed. My first 
 object was to visit the relative just men- 
 tioned, and my affliction was not a little 
 deepened by the interview. Ah ! what 
 sight is so depressing as the ruins of a 
 human mind : the understanding decayed — 
 the memory destroyed- — the affection shat- 
 
SYMPATHY, 
 
 tered — and the fragments only of reason 
 remaining, to shew how great has been the 
 desolation ! 
 
 The bitterest cup of human misery, how- 
 ever, is not without alleviation ; and while 
 I lamented over the melancholy fate of my 
 distressed kinsman, I could not forbear a 
 grateful aspiration to Him who, amidst all 
 my trouble, had preserved to me the use of 
 my mental faculties. 
 
 In the evening I repaired to my quarters, 
 and mingled in a small, but agreeable circle 
 of fellow travellers, and respectable neigh- 
 bours. The pensive solemnity of my ap- 
 pearance excited curiosity, and I was too 
 full of the painful adventure of the day not 
 to gratify it. 
 
 The conversation turned, of course, on 
 the distressing nature of intellectual de- 
 rangement ; and nothing appeared on any 
 countenance present but sympathy and com- 
 passion, until one of the company related 
 an anecdote, which, though it may not be 
 new, must be repeated, as forming a kind 
 of text to the following work. " A few 
 B 2 
 
THE INSANE WORLD. 
 
 years since/' said the relator, " a gentleman 
 visited Bedlam, and after passing through 
 several wards, fell into conversation with 
 one of the patients, who talked so reason- 
 ably, that he was much surprised, and could 
 not forbear asking, ^^ How is it. Sir, that I 
 find here a person so perfectly rational and 
 intelligent ?" — " O, Sir," replied the patient, 
 " I will explain that — the world are all 
 gone mad; and finding us few the only 
 people in their senses, have shut us up here 
 together." 
 
 Dejected as my mind was, I could not 
 now forbear a momentary smile, in common 
 with the rest of the company — except a 
 grave elderly gentleman at my right hand, 
 who seriously affirmed that this expression, 
 though the sudden ebullition of an insane 
 mind, contained, in a certain sense, a most 
 solemn and momentous truth. '^ Mad ! 
 Sir?" said one of the company, "Surely 
 you must be beside yourself to bring against 
 mankind so extravagant a charge." 
 
 " Sir," replied the old gentleman, (whose 
 name I afterwards found to be Grey)— 
 
THE CHALLENGE. 
 
 <c 
 
 Sir, I beg not to be raisunderslood : I do 
 not cbarge the world with that kind of de- 
 rangement which incapacitates them for the 
 management of their temporal affairs^ much 
 less that defect of intellect which excuses 
 them from moral guilt : but I mean an in- 
 consistency of principles and conduct which 
 cannot be reconciled to the dictates of com- 
 mon sense, to their certain duty, or to their 
 best interests." 
 
 " And in this sweeping charge," said 
 another, ^' do you mean to involve all man- 
 kind r" — " Where particular exceptions oc- 
 cur (replied Mr. Grey) I shall be happy to 
 admit them ; yet I shall still maintain that, 
 in such instances, the judgment has been 
 rectified, and the conduct regulated by prin- 
 ciples in perfect harmony with my general 
 position, that all manhind are mad. But I 
 appeal to facts, and engage to prove it to 
 the satisfaction of any gentleman who will 
 devote three or four days to accompany me 
 in a hasty survey of this great metropolis, 
 wherein truly may be seen an epitome of all 
 the wisdom and learning — of all the riches 
 b3 
 
THE CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. 
 
 and pleasures — ©f all the madness and folly 
 of the world." 
 
 Struck by so bold a challenge^ and from 
 a man of such apparent respectability, se- 
 veral of the company seemed at first dis- 
 posed to take up the gauntlet. Upon fur- 
 ther consideration, however, one found it 
 would interfere with his business — another 
 recollected it would interrupt his pleasures 
 — and a third thought it a matter of no 
 great consequence to him, and not worth 
 the trouble it M^ould cost. Upon this I 
 offered myself to the enquiry, having little 
 business to occupy my attention, and glad 
 of the opportunity to divert my thoughts 
 into a new channel. I engaged to wait on 
 Mr. Grey the following morning, and the 
 rest of the company agreed to meet us in the 
 evening, and hear the progress of our enquiry. 
 
 I retired to my chamber, and though my 
 mind was much agitated by the occurrences 
 of the day past, and the engagements of the 
 morrow, my body was also wearied with the 
 fatigue of travelling, which happily coun- 
 terbalanced the perturbation of my mind. 
 
PUNCTUALITY RECOMMENDED. 
 
 and procured me a good liight's rest. In 
 the morning I awoke, full of my new en- 
 gagement, and Avhen I had dressed myself, 
 found Mr. Grey in the breakfast-room, 
 ready to receive me. After taking coffee 
 together, we set out at the appointed hour, 
 which was nine o'clock, to make our expe- 
 riments upon mankind. 
 
 Here I hope the reader will indulge me 
 in making a reflection upon the importance 
 of punctuality in our engagements. A 
 punctual man holds himself disengaged to 
 receive his friend, and is not able to enter 
 into other business, because he expects 
 immediately to be called from it; on the 
 other hand, if the visitor be the punctual 
 many he leaves, perhaps, matters of im- 
 portance to keep his engagement, and has 
 often the mortification to wait half an hour, 
 or more, unoccupied, before the other is 
 ready to receive him. Either way time, 
 the precious material of which life is 
 made, is iiTecoverably lost ; and frequently 
 through listlessness and want of thought — 
 " I did not think it had been so late !" 
 B 4 
 
FIRST DAY. 
 
 On leaving our inn, we repaired, first, to 
 the Bank, both because my conductor had 
 some business to transact, and because he 
 thought this a proper scene for the com- 
 mencement of our enquiries. 
 
 We were soon immersed in a crowd, and 
 the care and solicitude expressed in every 
 countenance seemed to say, that here was 
 the centre of all their hopes and wishes. 
 The clerks only appeared to be inhabitants 
 of another world, and totally indifferent to 
 the wealth they were dispensing. As we 
 came out, my friend whispered, *' What do 
 you think of these people ?" — " Truly (said 
 I) they seem to be as intent upon their 
 money transactions, as if their salvation 
 depended on them." — '^ A great deal more 
 so," rejoined Mr. G. ; " and yet these men 
 
BULLS AND BEARS. 
 
 know not that they shall live through the 
 day. Is this rational? — But follow me." 
 
 The next place to which my guide con- 
 ducted me was the Stock Exchange, where 
 the noise terrified me, though I heard no- 
 thing distinctly but scrip^ consols, and 
 omnium, " Did you hear any thing like 
 this at St. Luke's ?" said Mr. G.-~" No, in- 
 deed ; but I once heard something similar on 
 a race-ground." — " Mad people resemble 
 each other," was his reply ; adding, " these 
 are called bulls and bears" — '^ and very pro- 
 perly (I remarked), for they roar and growl 
 most terribly, and ought, I think, to be muz- 
 zled or confined. But I hope. Sir, I am not 
 to consider these as a specimen of mankind 
 in general, any more than the wild beasts 
 at Exeter Change are a sample of the whole 
 animal creation. Oxen, sheep, and domestic 
 animals in general, are not exhibited, be- 
 cause they are so common, and come under 
 daily observation : but I suppose you mean 
 to shew me these as a specimen of human 
 nature in its wildest state, uncivilized and 
 untamed." 
 
 . b5 
 
10 THE JEW AND THE QUAKER. 
 
 Mr. G. smiled^ and led me on to that 
 great emporium of commerce, the Royal 
 Exchange. " Here/' said my guide, as he 
 introduced me — " Here all nations upon 
 earth occasionally meet, and more languages 
 are spoken than at the tower of Babel, after 
 the confusion ; nor are the schemes here 
 agitated, in many instances, less chimerical 
 than that of those celebrated builders, 
 though, I apprehend, very few of these 
 people ever think of building heavenward." 
 
 As a shower happened to fall at this 
 juncture, we loitered round the piazzas, re- 
 marking the effigies of our kings, and read- 
 ing some of the papers hung against the 
 walls. 
 
 While thus engaged, our attention was 
 particularly attracted by two aged gentle- 
 men — a Jew broker, and a Quaker mer- 
 chant. The latter appeared bending be- 
 neath the weight of nearly four- score years, 
 and the silvery hairs which adorned the 
 head of the former plainly indicated that he 
 was not much his junior. They appeared 
 to be making what is called a liar^d bargain, 
 
THE CAPTAIN AND LIEUTENANT. IX 
 
 or, in other words, trying to outwit each 
 other. The Israelite took great pains to 
 convince his companion that it was for his 
 interest to purchase, and pretended to make 
 some sacrifices in his favour : his article 
 was of the best kind — the market was on 
 the rise, and he had other offers. On the 
 other hand, his wary friend affected perfect 
 indifference : he did not want the commo- 
 dity — it was not altogether what he could 
 wish — and money was very scarce. 
 
 The rain subsiding, we left the old gen- 
 tlemen to complete their bargain, while we 
 crossed over to a neighbouring coffee-house 
 for some refreshment. Our attention was 
 now drawn to a couple of officers, who had 
 before them a map of the seat of war upon 
 the Continent. Ihe one (as we learned 
 from his conversation) was a captain in the 
 militia, who had never seen the face of an 
 enemy; and the other a Jieutenant in the 
 navy, who had just set his foot on shore 
 after seven years service. The former was 
 inveighing against one of our commanders 
 on the Continent, and lamenting, with the 
 b6 
 
13 counr and city politics, 
 
 vanity of genuine ignorance^ that he was 
 not a general officer and in that service ; or 
 " that rascal Bonaparte/' said he, with an 
 oath, " should not have gained such an ad^ 
 vantage."— "This gentleman (said I) forgets 
 the reproof of Alexander to the soldier that 
 abused Darius— I don't pay you, friend, 
 to abuse the enemy, but to fight him."-— 
 "Most likely he never read it," said Mr. G.; 
 ** but it is much easier work to talk than to 
 fight, and this gentleman's talent seems to 
 lie in talking." The naval officer not pre- 
 tending to skill in military tactics^ the sub- 
 ject took another turn, and he entered as 
 warmly into the state of domestic politics^ 
 and drew the characters of the court and city 
 parties as decidedly as if he had spent his 
 life among them. The captain, however> 
 happening to be of a different opinion, the 
 dispute soon became noisy and vehement* 
 ^^ Why do these, men dispute so warmly/' 
 said I softly, " on subjects which they 
 cannot possibly understand ?" — " Men are 
 always obstinate," said Mr. Grey, " in pro- 
 portion to their ignorance. The captain 
 
JiROVIDENCE; ACKNOWLEDdEO. IJ 
 
 reasons as if able generals could always 
 command success ; whereas He who rules 
 on high often laughs at their best concerted 
 plans. A thunder-storm blown full in the 
 face of a battalion has sometimes turned the 
 fate of a battle, while the rain which fell 
 with it has swollen a rivulet into a torrent, 
 and prevented a retreat."—" Providence 
 must never be excluded/' added he, " though 
 Heaven always acts by second causes. — A 
 good contract from Government, or the mar-* 
 riage of his daughter to a peer, has often 
 changed a noisy city patriot into a courtier, 
 or a disappointment in such^ a case pro- 
 duced a contrary effect. To understand the 
 history of parties, you must know the indi- 
 viduals, their character, and connections ; 
 for no man, in these times, can be expected 
 to serve either his king or country, unless 
 his friends, as well as himself, are properly 
 provided for." 
 
 Another set of company were conversing 
 on the delicacies of a city feast. The fine- 
 ness of the turtle, and the goodness of the 
 wines, were prominent topics of encomium. 
 
14 THE ATTORNEY AND APOTHECARY. 
 
 "■ ■ ■ ■ ' •■--«^ 
 
 and seemed to constitute the highest felicity 
 of these worthy citizens. 
 
 Soon weary of this idle chit chat, our at- 
 tention was next excited by two well-dressed 
 men, who appeared to' he pretty intimate, 
 and, after a glass or two of wine, began to 
 be very loquacious, and to rally each other 
 on their respective professions ; by this 
 circumstance we soon discovered that one of 
 them was an apothecary, and the other an 
 attorney. 
 
 " Well, Doctor (said the latter), how 
 many patients have you visited to-day?" 
 
 " Eighteen," replied the former, after 
 pausing a few moments to inspect his me- 
 morandum-hook. 
 
 Attorney. Eighteen! Well, I hope you 
 prescribed plenty of physic ! 
 
 Apothecary. Certainly ; or how should 
 I be paid for my attendance ? 
 
 Attorney. Variety of complaints. Doc- 
 tor ! — plenty of nervous, debilitated, hypo- 
 chondriac patients ? — I wonder what the 
 faculty did before those disorders were in- 
 vented ! 
 
AFFECTING CASE. |5 
 
 Apothecary. I don't know^ indeed ; but 
 I know we could not do without them. A 
 lady sent for me to-day, in much alarm. 
 She eats heartily, but fears her appetite is 
 unnatural ; and she sleeps soundly, but is 
 not satisfied, because she does not dream. 
 
 Attorney. But you can soon cure those 
 complaints, Doctor. 
 
 Apothecary. Yes, indeed ; but it will 
 not do to be too quick. Sudden cures al- 
 ways create suspicion of relapse. I have 
 put her under a course of medicine, which 
 
 Attorney. Which will soon moderate 
 her appetite, and make her dream. — Bat 
 have you no gouty cases ? 
 
 Apothecary. Yes, several. Two pa- 
 tients I have nursed into regular fits, whiclv 
 will last some time ; and two others bid fair 
 for them. 
 
 Attorney. Good, indeed. Doctor ! and 
 so you fleece your patients ! 
 
 Apothecary. No abuse, Mr. Latitat — 
 How many dockets have you struck this 
 term } 
 
ig LAW VERSUS PHYSIC. 
 
 i^ ' . ,, , .. . . _ ■■ . ■ .- j » 
 
 Attorney. Only two, and three execu- 
 tions. 
 
 Apothecary. And how can you find in 
 your heart to use these instruments of tor- 
 ture ? 
 
 Attorney. O dear. Doctor ! a docket 
 is only an emetic, which brings back ill di- 
 gested property ; and an execution a strong 
 cathartic, to carry off redundancies. 
 
 Apothecary. But you strip people of 
 their all, and reduce them to perfect beg- 
 gary. 
 
 Attorney. No, indeed : who flourish so 
 well as people who have been Gazetted ?— 
 But what is all this to cutting off a limb ? 
 
 Apothecary. When we amputate a 
 limb, we do it to save a life : are we not 
 then useful members of society ? 
 
 Attorney. So are we. We protect your 
 property while living, and dispose of it when 
 you come to die. 
 
 Apothecary. Yes ; if any should be left 
 on hand after your bills are paid ; and then 
 you work in a decent bit of a legacy for 
 yourselves. 
 
SCANDALUM MAGNATUM. l7 
 
 Attorney. And a compliment for 
 you, Doctor — Aha ! Doctor — all fair play ! 
 — and then you give them a composing 
 pill. 
 
 Apothecary. O scandaluni magnatum ! 
 Well^ I wonder how any people can he so 
 mad as to go to law ! 
 
 Attorney. Never mind. Doctor ; if they 
 are mad, that will bring them under your 
 care, and you know what to do with mad 
 folks. 
 
 Apothecary. Yes : hut if you get. them 
 in hand first, I fear you will not leave 
 enough to pay our fees. 
 
 Attorney. Then you can practice gratis. 
 Doctor — pro bono publico. 
 
 Apothecary. Yes ; and then you would 
 think us mad instead of our patients ; and 
 some honest attorney might sue out a sta- 
 tute of lunacy. 
 
 Attorney. Well, Doctor (in an under 
 tone), it is of no use exposing and be- 
 rogueing each other. I believe if the world 
 were in their right senses, both of us would 
 have less to do. However, these gentlemen 
 
1 8 RECAPITULATION. 
 
 (alluding to us) will think us mad if we 
 proceed. — Let us call another cause. 
 
 Upon this^ finding ourselves noticed, and 
 fearing lest we should be taken for spies, 
 we rang for the waiter, and leaving the 
 house, bent our way homeward to the inn. 
 
 The writing of two or three letters, and 
 some other private business, occupied the 
 early part of the evening ; after which one 
 and another dropped in, till we had pretty 
 nearly the same company as on the prece- 
 ding evening. 
 
 " Well !" said a pert young barrister, who 
 was of the party — " Well, Sir, are you 
 become a convert to Mr. Grey's hypothesis, 
 that all mankind are mad ? Do you think 
 they are so insane as he pretends ?" — " Let 
 him hear the evidence," said Mr. Grey, " and 
 form his own judgment. Relate some of 
 your adventures." 
 
 " Our first visit (said I) was to the Bank, 
 where I found a certain anxiety in their 
 looks, and an eagerness in their manner, 
 which appeared to me not unlike symptoms 
 of insanity ; but when I came to the Stock 
 
THE AUTHOR SILENCED. 
 
 19 
 
 Exchange, I found thera raving, and was 
 glad to make a precipitate retreat. 
 
 *' We next visited the Royal Exchange, 
 and there we remarked two old gentlemen, a 
 Jew and a Quaker, both tottering on the 
 brink of the grave, impressed with the 
 same marks of anxiety we had before ob- 
 served, but more deeply. They were making 
 a hard bargain for some merchandize, the 
 fruits of which neither was likely to enjoy ; 
 for one appeared to be asthmatic, the other 
 gouty, and both on the wrong side of se- 
 venty." 
 
 " But how do you prove these people in- 
 sane ?'' said Mr. SxMArt (the young lawyer 
 who had started the question) — " They were 
 only intent upon their business ; and this, I 
 hope is no proof of madness, or else the idle 
 and profligate are the only sensible men 
 with you." 
 
 Here, I confess, my natural timidity pre- 
 vailed, and I was so much a])ashed at the 
 strong tone and confident manner of my an- 
 tagonist, that I wished to resign the cause 
 into abler hands ; and looking toward 
 
20 THE EXPLANATlOlf. 
 
 Mr. Grey, he immediately took up the ar- 
 gument. 
 
 " Whenever/' said Mr. G. '' we find the 
 mind so engrossed with one object as to 
 neglect all others, particularly if that ob- 
 ject be comparatively of but small import- 
 ance, and especially when the pursuit of 
 it is evidently injurious rather than bene- 
 ficial, we have surely reason to question 
 the soundness of that person's intellectual 
 faculties. Suppose, for instance, a man 
 were engaged to go a long voyage, and not 
 to know how soon the vessel might sail — 
 suppose such a person, instead of preparing 
 for his voyage, were to loiter on the sea 
 shore, and pick up pebbles to fill his pockets, 
 should we not judge the man insane?" — 
 " Certainly," said one of the company. 
 '' Well then," added Mr. Grey, '' these 
 people are travelling to an eternal world as 
 fast as time can carry them ; but instead of 
 preparing for their journey, though they are 
 certain they must go, perhaps shortly and 
 without warning, and never to return ; yet 
 they are loading themselves with incum- 
 
THE HARD BARGAIN. 21 
 
 brances, which must necessarily impede 
 their journey, and unfit them for it. This 
 applies particularly to the two old gentle- 
 men, the Jew and the Quaker, who were 
 evidently trying to take advantage of each 
 other on the brink of another world. 
 
 " It is dangerous, then," said Mr. Smart, 
 '^ to make a good bargain, lest it should be 
 brought in proof that we are non compos 
 inentisy — " You mistake the argument," 
 said my friend, " which is not founded on 
 the single circumstance of making a hard 
 bargain, though that is to me a suspicious 
 circumstance — for a hard bargain betrays a 
 hard heart ; but on the evidence afforded 
 thereby, that their minds were wholly intent 
 on the present world, in the moment when 
 they should prepare to leave it. For 
 though the young may die, we know the 
 aged must ; and these men no doubt under- 
 stand the doctrine of annuities, that the 
 probability of dying increases in proportion 
 as our years advance ; and yet none suppose 
 Death to be farther off than those to whom 
 he is the nearest," 
 
22 ^ SERIOUS CASK. 
 
 " Ah ! Sir," said one of our friends pre- 
 sent, " you remind me of my poor neigh- 
 bour Thrift, who died the other day after a 
 very short illness. When he first appre- 
 hended the danger of his situation, he cal- 
 led his family ahout him, and told them — 
 ^' I have settled my affairs — I have made 
 my will — I have provided for my wife and 
 children — but the Lord have mercy on my 
 soul ! I have had no time to think of that." 
 Nor had he now time ; for a delirium seized 
 him, and he was unable to converse ; only 
 at intervals he would exclaim — " The Lord 
 have mercy on my soul !" 
 
 I confess I ^vas much affected with this 
 incident, and was putting the question si- 
 lently to my ov^n heart, " Am I prepared to 
 die? when anotlier of the company twitched 
 me by the elbow, and whispered, " You 
 must not regard him. Sir, he is a Metho- 
 dist — Go on with your story." 
 
 I now related an outline of the dialogue 
 between the Apothecary and the Lawyer, 
 and one of our comj)any, whom I soon 
 found to be a young surgeon, was not a little 
 
ILLIBERALITY REPROVED. Q^ 
 
 pleased to hear the former ran down. Apothe- 
 caries he thought a useless class of men^ 
 knowing little of medicine but what they pick 
 up from the prescriptions of physicians, and 
 their occasional intercourse with surgeons. 
 As to compounding medicines, which seem- 
 ed their original department, they were 
 wholly superseded by chemists and drug- 
 gists, who had more judgment, and used 
 better materials than those ignorant pre- 
 tenders, 
 
 Mr. Grey felt hurt at this illiberal lan- 
 guage and indiscriminate censure. It is 
 true, he confessed, there are fools in all pro- 
 fessions ; but, generally speaking, apothe- 
 caries were well educated men, and united 
 the study of surgery with medicine. He 
 did not, indeed, approve of the usual me- 
 thod of charging in proportion to the quan- 
 tity of medicine sent, as it often occasions 
 the patient to be gorged therewith, when he 
 would be far better without it. On the 
 other hand, the fees of physicians were so 
 indiscriminately high, that none but persons 
 of some property could consult them, except 
 
24 QUACKS AND QUACKEflY. 
 
 when they were able to procure their advice 
 gratis. Modern apothecaries, he said, were 
 for the most part men of science and obser- 
 vation ; and some of them had an extent of 
 practice in the course of twenty or thirty 
 years, to which few physicians could pre- 
 tend — *^ much less the boys," said he, look- 
 ing rather scornfully at the young surgeon, 
 ^' who, having taken up their degrees before 
 they began to practice, must try a thousand 
 experiments ere they can gain a sufficient 
 practical knowledge for their profession ; 
 and are far more deserving the name of 
 quachs than many of our apothecaries. 
 
 The conversation now turned on quacks 
 and quackery, and the ignorance and teme- 
 rity of these nostrum-mongers was severely 
 censured, till the young lawyer, whose na- 
 tural element seemed to be contradiction, 
 undertook to become their advocate. 
 
 " Gentlemen," said he, " the word quack 
 is an ill-defined term, applied to men whose 
 education has been irregular, but who often 
 possess a portion of genius which abun- 
 dantly compensates that defect; and when 
 
AN APOLOGY. 25 
 
 to this they add reading and reflection, they 
 command a degree of respect, and frequent- 
 ly succeed, by a bold prescription, where 
 tlie regular practitioner has failed. While 
 the man of science has stood trembling and 
 hesitating till his patient has got beyond the 
 reach of medicine, the despised empiric, 
 confident in his own powers, has snatched 
 the dying man from the borders of the 
 grave : and in such a circumstance has 
 founded a fame, and perhaps a fortune, to 
 which regular men have looked rather with 
 envy than contempt," 
 
 Here the young doctor burst into a vio- 
 lent philippic against quackery, giving, at 
 the same time, an account of the dangerous 
 tendency of some nostrums, which are ad- 
 vertised as specifics, even in disorders in 
 their very nature fatal. 
 
 Mr. Grey again interposed as moderator, 
 and, wishing to draw the conversation into 
 another channel, offered some observations, 
 to bring the present controversy to a close. 
 " Here," said he, " I think we must make 
 some distinction, both as applies to empirics 
 c 
 
26 T^HE ACCOUNT BALANCED. 
 
 and to their nostrums. I doubt not but the 
 generality of quacks are extremely ignorant, 
 and prey upon the credulity of their ad- 
 mirers. Yet even among these we find, 
 now and then, men of real talent, who by 
 diligence in study repair their want of edu- 
 cation ; and by confining their attention to 
 a particular disorder during a long course 
 of experience, they may succeed in cases 
 where able physicians fail. This success 
 not only establishes the character of the in- 
 dividual, but removes the reproach at- 
 tached to his irregularity ; and so, at length, 
 the man who takes up a profession of which 
 he was wholly ignorant, may, in process of 
 time, become an ornament to that profes- 
 sion. Upon the whole, however, I am no 
 friend to quacks or quackery. The instances 
 to which I have alluded are very rare ; the 
 generality of these pretenders end as igno- 
 rant as they began ; and though they may 
 amuse the vulgar with tales of the marvel- 
 lous, they are generally impostors, and do 
 far more harm than good. One great evil 
 attending quack medicines is, that they are 
 
HOW TO BE ILL. 2/ 
 
 recommended for too many complaints, and 
 often for such as proceed from causes widely 
 different. Another evil is, that the admi- 
 nistration of them is left to the patients 
 themselves, A quack doctor having found, 
 or perhaps bought, a nostrum for a particu- 
 lar disorder, is seldom satisfied with recom- 
 mending it for that alone, but adds several 
 others, in order to extend its sale. On the 
 other hand, the patient, left to form his own 
 judgment, fancies he perceives in himself the 
 symptoms of various, and perhaps inconsis- 
 tent complaints. Thus many tamper with 
 their constitutions, and those of their fami- 
 lies, and often create, instead of removing, 
 maladies. Not only so, but even where the 
 disorder is rightly guessed, and the medicine 
 really salutary, by administering improper 
 doses, without regard to circumstances, they 
 do harm, where prudence and experience 
 might, even by the same means, effect a 
 cure. 
 
 " This, however (added Mr. G.) is wan- 
 dering from my subject, and foreign to my 
 design. It is rather with the maladies of 
 C 2 
 
2S 
 
 MORAL INSANITY. 
 
 the soul than of the body that I have to 
 do. But I must insist upon it, that the 
 great anxiety which mankind discover about 
 theh- health and their property, while they 
 shew the utmost indifference with respect 
 to their souls and their spiritual concerns, 
 affords an unhappy proof that their minds 
 are not rightly constituted, or rather, that 
 they are morally deranged. The little af- 
 fairs of the present life engross all their at- 
 tention and all their affections, while the 
 infinitely important concerns of a future 
 and eternal state are neglected and con- 
 temned. Thus the maniac clothes himself 
 with rags and straws, and, thinking he is 
 royally arrayed, paces the narrow confines 
 of his cell, perfectly regardless of all the 
 fair creation without its walls." 
 
 The above temperate remarks on quacks 
 and apothecaries seemed to meet the ap- 
 probation of the company, and the serious 
 reflection which followed induced a general 
 silence. Some appeared rather disposed to 
 thoughtfulness than for conversation ; and 
 others dropt the subject, probably not wish- 
 
ITS EFFECTS. 29 
 
 ing to provoke any farther observations of 
 the same tendency. It is one of the sad ef- 
 fects of moral insanity, that the patients 
 cannot bear to receive even a hint of their 
 situation. Though they cannot justify their 
 conduct on any principles of reason, they 
 will not allow themselves to suspect it is 
 irrational. " Are we mad also?" they will 
 cry, and turn upon their heel to follow the 
 calls of business or of pleasure^ that they 
 may have no time to think. 
 
 o3* 
 
SECOND DAY. 
 
 At eight in the morning I again waited 
 on Mr. Grey, and after breakfasting, we 
 sat out upon a second expedition of en- 
 quiry. 
 
 As we were proceeding westward, my 
 guide recollected that it was the time of the 
 Westminster Election, and wishing to shew 
 me something of the madness of the poli- 
 tical world, we bent our steps toward Co- 
 vent Garden, which was already thronged 
 with people. On approaching the hustings, 
 we found one of the candidates speaking 
 with a most vehement eloquence, and he 
 was heard with great applause. His friend 
 also, who followed, was received with at- 
 tention, though his voice was feeble ; but 
 the next speaker was saluted with almost 
 
ELECTIONEERING. 
 
 31 
 
 universal groans and hisses ; insomuch, that 
 had he possessed the lungs of a Stentor, he 
 could not possibly have been heard. "How 
 do they know," said 1, " whether the gen- 
 tleman be right or wrong, if they will not 
 hear him." — " That is no matter," said my 
 guide; " he is of the unpopular party, and 
 must not be heard." — " But these men pro- 
 fess to love Liberty r" — " So they do, to that 
 degree that they wish to engross her to 
 themselves, and are extremely jealous lest 
 others should enjoy her." 
 
 Among the most noisy and turbulent, I 
 observed a number of fellows, with clubs in 
 their hands, and cockades in their hats, 
 continually vociferating the name of their 
 favourite candidate, and connecting with it 
 either the King and Constitution on the 
 one hand, or Liberty and Reform on the 
 other. " What are these men ?" said I, in 
 a whisper, to my companion. — " They are 
 hired," replied he, satirically, "to preserve 
 the peace, and maintain the freedom of 
 election." — " To clear the way, I suppose, 
 to the hustings, and to see that every elector 
 
 C 4 
 
32 PATRIOTISM. 
 
 has free access to vote according to his 
 conscience.*' — '' Yes, if he be of their party; 
 otherwise to knock him down, that he may 
 not vote on the wrong side of the question." 
 This being a method of keeping the peace 
 which I did not admire, I very readily left 
 this scene of noise and confusion, and we 
 proceeded toward St. James's. 
 
 " Well," said I, '^ under all these circum- 
 stances it must require some courage and 
 fortitude to give a free and independent 
 vote : but no doubt mqjiy are sufficiently 
 actuated by the zeal of patriotism." — 
 *' Alas ! (said Mr. G.) that is out of ques- 
 tion. Gentlemen go to serve their friends; 
 tradesmen to oblige their customers ; and 
 the lower classes for a paltry bribe, or per- 
 haps only for the poor luxury of getting in- 
 toxicated without expence." — '^ Well! those 
 who sell their votes cannot, to be sure, com- 
 plain of their representatives doing the same 
 in another place." — " Yes, indeed, such is 
 the inconsistency of human nature, that 
 they who are the most guilty themselves are 
 the loudest in complaining of others — but 
 
REFORM. 
 
 33 
 
 we must not expect consistency from mad- 
 men !" 
 
 *^ But how can such a number of poor 
 mechanics and labourers afford to spend 
 their time day after day in these scenes of 
 riot and intemperance ?" — " Their intem- 
 perance, as I said, costs them nothing ; and 
 spirituous liquors take away their appetite." 
 " But their families !" — *' O, their families ! 
 when they engage in the cause of liberty 
 they bequeath their families to the parish." 
 " Well ! indeed^ I think we want a reform 
 out of Parliament, as well as in !" — " True ; 
 but unless that reform be radical, and begin 
 in the human heart, I fear it will avail but 
 little." 
 
 Thus we walked and talked till we came 
 near the palace, where we found a vast con- 
 course of curious spectators, and a multi- 
 tude of splendid carriages, from which 
 alighted noblemen and ladies of ([uality, 
 some of them loaded with more gold and 
 jewels than they could well carry; and they 
 pressed onward to the presence of Majesty 
 through admiring ranks of both sexes, 
 c 5 
 
34 EARLY RISING. 
 
 " "^e)]/' said I, *^ these people must lead 
 very easy live^ ! The one part seem to have 
 nothing to do but to show themselves, and 
 tjie- other nothing but to admire them." — 
 " As to the lookers-on," said he, " these 
 are not quite so idle as those you saw at 
 Coven t Garden. A great proportion are 
 milliners, dress-makers, and others who 
 come to see the fashions ; and whose busi- 
 ness, for the next half-year, depends in 
 great measure on what they see to-day. 
 But as for the great, they go through a 
 course of fatigue they are ill able to sup- 
 port. On such days as these they must rise 
 early, perhaps at nine or ten o'clock." — 
 *'Nine or ten o'clock !" cried I, interrupting, 
 " do you call that early rising ?" — " Cer- 
 tainly," said Mr.G. " to those who are not 
 accustomed to rise before twelve or one, 
 and who, probably, never saw the sun rise 
 in the whole course of their lives — a sight 
 finer than a coronation !" — " So it would 
 be thought if it occurred but once in half a 
 century. But these people cannot rise early, 
 because they go late to- bed. Perhaps they 
 
THE YEOMAN FEE'd. 35 
 
 have been at the opera, to hear singing 
 which they do not undei-stand, or to see 
 dancing which they admire only because 
 it is fashionable. Or it may be the card- 
 table detains them till three or four o'clock 
 in the morning. They commonly i*etire to 
 rest as much fatigued as husbandmen, but 
 they do not sleep like them. Their exer- 
 cise is laborious, but not healthful ; they 
 inhale the foul air of the crowded room 
 instead of the sweet air of heaven." 
 
 We now watched our opportunity, and 
 by slipping a very moderate fee into the 
 hand of a good-natured yeoman (a true 
 heef -eater in appearance), we got admitted 
 into an inner room, and were much enter- 
 tained by his facetious whispers as the com- 
 pany passed by. The first subject of his 
 remark was an Irish Peer, who had been 
 recently rewarded with a ribband and a pen- 
 sion. " What are the particular merits of 
 his Lordship?" said I. — " Great borough 
 interest. His Lordship returns five Irish 
 members, and three English, and is always 
 c6 
 
36 
 
 THE PLURALIST. 
 
 attentive to his parliamentary duty — when- 
 ever the Minister requires it." 
 
 ^' But who are these Reverend Divines }"' 
 *^ The first is a Bishop^ who is going to pay 
 his respects on heing translated to a new 
 see, for his dutiful behaviour in the House 
 
 of Peers ; and the other is Dean T , 
 
 who goes to kiss hands on being appointed 
 to the bishopric which the other has ju&t 
 left." — " And what is his particular claim 
 to ecclesiastical preferment r" — " O, he has 
 written a famous book, they say, in defence 
 of ministry." — " But has he given up his 
 deanery ?" — " O no ! he holds that — 1 think 
 they say — in commend 'ew."* 
 
 " Then he has a double cure of souls." — 
 " O no, Sir, he neither cures souls, nor 
 cares for them ; but Be no doubt takes care 
 of his fees." — '' You understand that, yeo- 
 man," said I ; " but you mean he holds 
 both places." — '^ Yes ; but one place must 
 soon hold him, and that a small one, for 
 he seems upon his last legs ; poor gentle- 
 man ! he is very asthmatic." 
 * In cotnmendam. 
 
DIVORCES. 37 
 
 " Bat what great Lady is this ?" — '' Her 
 
 Grace of S , who was lately divorced 
 
 from a Lord to marry a Dul<e. So they 
 uiaiiage it among the quality. They change 
 wives just as they please, and then prose- 
 cute each other for a divorce^ to make their 
 new connection lawful. Mercy upon us! 
 what wickedness there is among the great! 
 But if I and my dame fall out, we may fall 
 in again, as the saying is ; for there are no 
 divorces for the poor." 
 
 *^ And it is well there are not, yeoman," 
 said Mr. Grey ; " for it would make terrible 
 confusion among the lower orders. All 
 would be for following the fashion, till a 
 man would scarcely know his own wife, 
 much less his children." — ^' O how lost," said 
 I, " must such men be to the enjoyments, as 
 well as the duties of domestic life !" 
 
 '' Did I not tell you," said Mr. Grey, 
 " we should find plenty of madmen among 
 the great, as well as in the lower classes !" 
 '^ Mad, indeed !" added our honest beef- 
 eater ; " I often think they must be mad to 
 dangle attendance at this place year after 
 
38 
 
 COURT DIVINES. 
 
 year^ and often for nothing. — Here comes a 
 Scotch Barrow-knight, with one leg in the 
 grave^ and the other hardly out, as the say- 
 ing is. For thirty years, they say,, he has 
 boo'd, and boo'd in vain, to every greet mon 
 who came into power ; and now they think 
 he is going off the stage, they have given 
 him a sinecure, as they call it, for life ; and 
 so he comes hobhling here to return thanks, 
 instead of going to church to say his prayers, 
 and prepare for his latter end." 
 
 " But here are two more clergymen !"— 
 ** Yes, the first is a very popular divine, and 
 the most moving preacher that you ever 
 heard ! — O, how I have heard him exclaim 
 against the sin of being worldly minded !" — 
 *' But what do you suppose may be his 
 errand here :" — " O, he has heard of a better 
 living, I dare say, just fallen vacant ; unless 
 he is come on a wrong scent, as he did once 
 before, when he met at the door the doctor 
 whose living he had been told was vacated 
 by his death." — " And what do you think 
 was the doctor s business :"~" O, he was 
 at fault too, for he came after a deanery, 
 
AN OLD PRESBYTERIAN. 39 
 
 bat having ha4 the goat, he was too late, and 
 the place was gone." 
 
 " What a sad thing it is," said I, " that 
 clergymen who preach so much against the 
 love of the world, should themselves be so 
 attached to it !" — '' Ah ! Sir, but to my 
 mind," said our guide, " preaching is much 
 easier than practice. You see how mad 
 these fine folks are after the world ; but 
 when death stares them in the face, and 
 shakes his dart at them, O then it brings 
 them to their right mind, and shows them 
 the folly of their covetousness and ambi- 
 tion." 
 
 " It is well if it does," said Mr. Grey. 
 " But who is that hobbling old gentleman 
 behind?" 
 
 Yeoman. An old Presbyterian minister— 
 I think they call him a Noncon. — but I don't 
 know what that means. They say his great- 
 grandfather was a friend of King Wil- 
 liam, and his grandfather was intimate with 
 George the First; and his family have at- 
 tended court ever since. 
 
40 War. 
 
 Mr. Grey. And what do you think he 
 comes for ? 
 
 Yeoman. O, nothing for himself; and 
 our good old King (God hiess him !) is al- 
 ways glad to see him. He knows he never 
 comes a-begging, unless it be for some un- 
 fortunate man, or some publiq charity. 
 
 Thus were we amused, and in some man- 
 ner edified, by this talkative old man, until 
 at length we became faint and weary, and 
 sighed for " the sweet air of heaven/' as 
 Mr. Grey calls it. Then retreating from 
 the crowd, we came again into St. James's 
 Park, where our attention was caught by a 
 company of the guards, performing their 
 military evolutions. " Alas !" said I, '^ w^hat 
 a miserable trade is this of war !" — '^ A 
 trade (said Mr. Grey) which had its origin 
 in the corrupt passions of mankind. — 
 'Whence come wars and fightings?' says 
 St. James — ^ even of your lusts.'" — " It is," 
 I replied, " a shocking thing that the de- 
 struction of our species should become a re- 
 gular science, and the profession of so great 
 
MEttOlSM. 
 
 41 
 
 a part of mankind. What should we think 
 of an academy for educating public execu- 
 tioners ? and yet these are agents of the 
 lawi while the others are instruments of 
 violence and destruction." — " True/' said 
 Mr. Grey ; '^ but while one half the world 
 studies the art of destruction, it is necessary 
 that the other should learn the art of self- 
 defence; and this is the only case in which 
 I consider war to be lawful." — " But what 
 think you of the principle of conquest, 
 which has ennobled so many heroes ?" — " I 
 think it the principle of a highwayman, 
 only more criminal, because attended with 
 infinitely greater evils." 
 
 " One murder makes a villain; 
 
 " Millions a hero." 
 
 " But you must admit (said I) a great 
 difference in the case ; when we subdue bar- 
 barous nations, we confer on them the bles- 
 sings of civil society." — ^' On whom," said 
 Mr. Grey, " do you confer those blessings ! 
 on those you murder, or on those you en- 
 slave?" — 1 was thinking of an answer to this 
 
42 LITERARY COFFEE-HOUSE. 
 
 question, when we were interrupted by a 
 dancing bear passing by. — :" There/' said 
 my friend, '^ there is an animal conquered 
 in order to confer on him the blessings of 
 civil society — he is taught to dance V 
 
 " Pretty well wearied with our morning's 
 excursion, we now adjourned, as on tlie 
 preceding day, to a coffee- house in our way, 
 which, as we afterward found, was chiefly 
 visited by literary characters, among whom 
 were several authors and reviewers. Some 
 of these seated themselves in a box adjoin- 
 ing ours, and excepting the gentlemen at 
 the Stock Exchange, and the Covent Gar- 
 den orators, I had met with no company so 
 turbulent and noisy. One was reciting, with 
 all the ardour of an antient bard, some 
 verses from Mr. Scott's new poem, and an- 
 other spouted part of a scene in the last new 
 play. What one admired, I found another 
 censured, and a third justified ; and so it 
 appeared that the literary world is as much 
 divided in opinion as the political, and 
 maintain the^ differences with as high a 
 spirit. I found also, that they took the 
 
AUTHOR AND B00KSELLI;R. 43 
 
 same delight in exposing one another, as 
 did the City Lawyer and Apothecary. 
 
 My attention was now principally at- 
 tracted by an Author and a Bookseller, who 
 were bargaining for a manuscript novel, 
 ivhich the former was extolling very highly, 
 while the latter was labouring to depreciate 
 it. " You authors are such vain creatures/' 
 said the Bookseller, " you never think you 
 ,can be paid enough." — *^ And you Book- 
 sellers are so penurious," said the Author, 
 *^ that you never think you can give little 
 enough. You are determined that our 
 unfortunate race shall starve from genera- 
 tion to generation." 
 
 B00KSELJ.ER. That is owing to your 
 extravagance and want of economy. Be- 
 cause you have a little wit and taste, as you 
 call it, you must set up for gentlemen, for- 
 sooth, and live in high style, with your wine 
 and venison, like men of independent for- 
 tunes. 
 
 Author. Then it must be by the charity 
 of others, for you will hardly allow us 
 enough for bread and cheese and table beer. 
 
44 ANOTHER HARD BARGAIN. 
 
 Bookseller. You gentlemen, who live 
 by your wits, never consider what you can 
 afford, if you can but get it. 
 
 Author. I grant that we have a spirit 
 of generosity, if we had but your means to 
 support it. But now what will you give 
 for this manuscript? the fruit of three 
 months close application. 
 
 Bookseller. First let me get an esti- 
 mate from the printer: and suppose the 
 work should not sell 
 
 Author. Suppose ! — authors never sup- 
 pose that. And if you get up the work in 
 a good style, and advertize it well, I have 
 no doubt but you will make a fortune by it. 
 
 Bookseller. But I have ver} great 
 doubts : however, I will get an estimate. 
 I must give you something certain for your 
 trouble ; and if the work answers as you 
 expect — you may rely on my generosity. 
 
 Author. A forlorn hope, indeed, for 
 an author ! You can afford to run the risk 
 better than I can. Beside, you can insure 
 success, you know : you have a share in two 
 and in the Booksellers' News- 
 
METHODIST SERMONS. 45 
 
 paper— and I will write a few puiFs for you 
 gratis. 
 
 I did not hear the conclusion of this 
 agreement ; but I observed two other gen- 
 tlemen occupied in criticising, as I found, a 
 new volume of sermons. One of them 
 commended the manly eloquence of the 
 style, and was for a favourable verdict ; but 
 the other damned the preacher for a Me- 
 thodist, because he brought in the name of 
 Christ so often. 
 
 This shocked my feelings, and I said to 
 myself, " Surely if this man be not mad, he 
 is something worse." Mr. Grey was ac- 
 tuated by the same feelings, and, as we 
 passed, he gave a look which seemed to ex- 
 press, at least in my apprehension, anger 
 mingled with compassion. 
 
 As we came out, I could not help re- 
 marking how much I w^as disappointed. I 
 had hitherto entertained a high opinion of 
 our literary censors, and had no idea that 
 striplings, like these, were employed to pass 
 public judgment on authors of more than 
 twice their age and knowledge. 
 
46 nieViEwteRS. 
 
 " It must be so," said Mr. Grey ; '' the 
 object of reviewing is to find fault, and 
 those who have the least knowledge are 
 often the most expert at this exercise. Ex- 
 perience convinces us of the difficulties 
 which attend every part of science, and 
 makes us cautious and modest in our cen- 
 sures. Neither have old men that flippancy 
 of wit, or that dashing style, which recom- 
 mends a review to the generality of readers 
 of the present age. Of all mankind, young 
 barristers are the best adapted for reviewers. 
 That spirit of cavilling and ridicule which 
 is cultivated at the bar, and is supposed ne- 
 cessary to the cross examination of a wit- 
 ness, suits admirably the other profession ; 
 and enables a writer, with very small ac- 
 quirements, to attract vulgar admiration." 
 As to the profane wretch who drove us out 
 of the coffee-house, we put him down 
 among the incurables; and ceased to wonder 
 at the indecent ridicule passed upon Evan- 
 gelical religion by those who (like Saul of 
 old) are exceedingly mad against its minis- 
 ters and professors. 
 
THE THEATRE. 
 
 4? 
 
 Bending our conrse again homeward^ we 
 passed Co vent Garden Theatre just as the 
 company were going in. " What do you 
 think, Sir, of these people ?" said I to my 
 conductor — " Think !" said he, " that they 
 are mad after pleasure, else they would not 
 sit here for four or five hours together to be 
 amused, and at last come out at midnight 
 in a state of violent perspiration." — " They 
 would think two or three hours," I replied, 
 " insufferably long, in a place of worship." 
 " True ; but that would be to serve their 
 Maker; this is to please themselves." — 
 " This circumstance shews how much more 
 delight they take in pleasing themselves 
 than in serving God." — " Certainly." 
 
 On returning to our inn, we found a few 
 of our friends waiting for us, and among 
 the rest Mr. Smart, the young barrister, who 
 had taken a conspicuous part in the debate 
 of the preceding evening, and of whom it 
 seems requisite to give the reader some in- 
 formation, which I have since accidentally 
 acquired. Mr. Smart, it seems, was the son 
 of a wealthy attorney in the c^ntry, who 
 
48 THE YOUNO ACTOR. 
 
 sent him to study the law in one of our inns 
 of court. For some time he applied closely 
 to the duties of his profession, and his 
 friends were sanguine in expecting he would 
 make a figure at the bar ; but j ust as he was 
 about to take his station there, some young 
 friends introduced him to the Green Room 
 of the theatre, which gave him so strong a 
 bias to the stage, to which he was always 
 partial, that he determined to relinquish his 
 legal profession, and try his fortune on the 
 boards, where he flattered himself his per- 
 son and talents might secure him popular 
 applause. It was at this period, while his 
 passion for the stage was at its height, that 
 he fell into our company. No particular 
 dispute arose this evening, till 1 mentioned 
 our passing by the play-house. 
 
 " I wonder. Sir," said he, " addressing 
 Mr. Grey with a sneer — ^^ I wonder you did 
 not take your ward into the Theatre !" 
 
 Mr. Grey. Is that because you suppose 
 J should find more mad people there than 
 any where else, and so obtain the best evi- 
 dence in suBDort of my theory ? 
 
THEATRICAL MORALS. 4Q 
 
 Mr. Smart. No, indeed, Sir. I con- 
 sider the stage as a very rational amusement, 
 and an excellent school of morals and of 
 manners. Veluti in speculum^ you know, is 
 our motto, and we hold up the mirror to 
 nature 
 
 Mr. Grey. And must be very much 
 ashamed, I should suppose, if you should 
 happen to look into it yourselves ? 
 
 Mr. Smart. No, indeed. Sir, I see no- 
 thing to be ashamed of. 
 
 Here our young actor began to expatiate 
 largely on the utility of the stage, and the 
 morality of its performances ; reciting pas- 
 sages from Shakespeare and other celebrated 
 dramatists, which he considered as speci- 
 mens of fine moral sentiment, until he at 
 last worked himself up to say, with no 
 small energy-—" and by God, Sir, there are 
 more fine moral passages in Shakespeare 
 than in half the sermons in the kingdom I" 
 
 " And this. Sir," said Mr. Grey, who had 
 heard him in patient silence^^" this, I sup- 
 pose, is a specimen of the morality you learn 
 
 D 
 
50 THE APOLOGY. 
 
 at the theatre — to profane the holy name 
 of God on every trivial occasion. 
 
 Mr. Smart. I beg, pardon. Sir, for 
 swearing in your presence ; but your severe 
 attack on my favourite amusement agitated 
 my feelings, and threw me off my guard. 
 
 Mr. Grey. And this gives me. Sir, an- 
 other specimen of your theatrical morality, 
 which does not keep your passions within 
 the bounds of reason ; and though I must 
 do you the justice to bear witness, that your 
 mind revolts at a breach of good manners, 
 you shew no compunction on having vio- 
 lated the divine precept, " Thou shalt not 
 take the name of the Lord thy God in 
 vain." 
 
 Mr. Smart. You are severe. Sir, even 
 when you compliment ; but you cannot 
 deny that many plays contain excellent les- 
 sons of morality, particularly Shakespeare's. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Yes ; but as Dr. Johnson 
 says, " there is so much wool about the gold, 
 that it is doubtful whether it be worth the 
 seeking." However, I am willing to render 
 
SUICIDE. 51 
 
 justice to all, and can admire genius and 
 eloquence wherever I can find them. But 
 I am fearful my remarks may throw you off 
 your guard again, and I should be sorry to 
 be the occasion of your committing sin, 
 even in the defence of virtue. 
 
 Mr. Smart. Do not fear. Sir ; I wish 
 to argue the point with you calmly, and will 
 be more guarded in my expressions. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Then, Sir, ray first objec- 
 tion to your theatrical morals is their in-r 
 consistency. While some plays inculcate 
 sound morals, others teach the grossest 
 vices ; and that not accidentally, but in the 
 most splendid characters. Even Addison 
 and Home, while they inculcate the sternest 
 principles of Roman virtue, offer an apo- 
 logy for Suicide. 
 
 Mr. Smart. As to that. Sir, is it not 
 universally agreed, that Suicide is in all 
 cases criminal? 
 
 Mr. Grey. Not at the theatre, I be- 
 lieve ; but our Bible says — " Thou shalt do 
 no murder — do thyself no harm." This, 
 however, is one of the mildest charges I 
 D 2 , 
 
52 ELEGANT MYTHOLOGY. 
 
 have against your plays. In many cases 
 they inculcate not only the madness of he- 
 roism, but the polytheism of the Gentiles, 
 and the worship of the filthiest idols. 
 
 Mr. Smart. O, Sir ! this is only a po- 
 etical licence. Nobody now worships those 
 imaginary beings which form the elegant 
 mythology of Greece and Rome, much less 
 their material images. When we inculcate 
 the worship of tbe gods, we mean to teach 
 religion in general — 
 
 Mr. Grey. I believe. Sir, your religion 
 is of a very general kind. " Jehovah, Jove, 
 or Lord," are the same with you ; but if 
 you do not make converts to your elegant 
 mythology, you prostitute many to the 
 beastly idolatry of wine and women. 
 
 Mr. Smart. As to that. Sir, wine and 
 Avomen would always have their votaries, if 
 there were no theatre. But you do not deal 
 fairly with us. You seize every opportu- 
 nity of censure, but take no notice of the 
 many beautiful moral sentiments which 
 abound in our dramatic writers. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Suppose there were a pulpit 
 
DRAMATIC EXAMPLES. 
 
 63 
 
 in this metropolis where men were taught 
 the principles of republicanism and anar- 
 chy ; would you think it a sufficient apology 
 that the preacher was very eloquent, and 
 mingled some good moral precepts with his 
 sedition r 
 
 Mr. Smart. Certainly not. 
 
 Mr. Gr]£y. Then neither is the com- 
 mixture of a few moral sentiments with 
 your licentious and profane maxims an 
 atonement for them : however, you not only 
 give precept, but example; for your most 
 splendid and popular characters are gene- 
 rally vicious and profane. 
 
 Mr. Smart. We do not exhibit perfect 
 characters, because we know they cannot 
 be copied ; we describe men as they really 
 are. 
 
 Mr. Grey. And the worse characters 
 you exhibit, the easier it will be to imitate 
 them ; but it may be remarked, that men 
 can act wrong without teaching, and need 
 no examples to lead them into vice. 
 
 Mr. Smart. Well, Sir, whatever you may 
 have to say against the theatre in a religious 
 d3 
 
54 SCHOOL PoU MANNERS. 
 
 point of view, you must acknowledge it an 
 excellent school of human wisdom ; and 
 more of the world may be learned there in 
 a few evenings, than in the experience of so 
 many years. 
 
 Mr. Grey. This is in some measure 
 granted ; but the question is. Sir, whether 
 there be not more evil learned than good ? 
 
 Mr. Smart. No, Sir; here, by seeing 
 the various frauds and deceptions practised 
 in the world, we are warned against them ; 
 and virtuous, but unguarded females, by 
 seeing the arts of the seducer exposed, learn 
 effectually to avoid them. 
 
 Mr. Grey. And here. Sir, knaves learn 
 the arts of villainy, and gallants the most 
 successful methods of seduction. 
 
 Mr. Smart. But a virtuous person will 
 take the good, and leave the evil. 
 
 Mr. Grey. But I fear the far greater 
 part will take the evil, and leave the good. 
 
 Mr. Smart. That is, because you sup- 
 pose human nature to have a dreadful pre- 
 ponderance to evil. 
 
 Mr. Grey, i think there can be no doubt 
 
SILENT GRIEF. 66 
 
 of its preponderating in your school ; for 
 where you can produce one converted by 
 the theatre to virtue, I can produce many 
 perverted thereby to vice. 
 
 At this moment a gentleman entered, who 
 had, on the preceding evening, appeared 
 cheerful and communicative ; but now 
 gloom brooded on his countenance, and 
 grief had sealed his lips. 
 
 " I hope you are well. Sir," said I, cheer- 
 fully. He bowed his head in silence. — " I 
 fear. Sir," said I, ^' something very unplea- 
 sant has occurred." He shook his head, 
 and sighed. 
 
 Mr. Grey. We inhabit a world of sin 
 and sorrow, and ought to live in the daily 
 expectation of losses and disappointments ; 
 and not to be overwhelmed when they come 
 upon us — " as if some strange thing had 
 happened to us." 
 
 '^ O, Sir, my heart is full," said he, ^* it 
 will surely burst !" 
 
 Mr. Grey. Perhaps, Sir, if you give 
 expression to your grief, it may relieve you. 
 Grief divided will be lessened; and if your 
 D 4 
 
56 
 
 THE SECRET DISCLOSED. 
 
 trouble is of that nature as to admit the 
 good offices of a friend, I should be happy 
 to serve you. — " And so should I, Sir/' said 
 Mr. Smart, who was not a little aiFected 
 with the scene. r«f; u? 
 
 " I have a daughter. Sir — an only 
 daughter." 
 
 '^ And she is taken ill, perhaps, or has 
 died suddenly." 
 
 "Worse than that. Sir." 
 
 " Worse ! Sir," rejoined Mr. Smart ; 
 " there are not many things in this world 
 worse than death." 
 
 The old gentleman, whose name was 
 Thompson, finding himself thus drawn into 
 conversation, consented to unbosom him- 
 self. 
 
 Mr. Thompson. My girl, Sir, has been 
 three months on a visit to the daughter of a 
 friend ; and when I called this morning, ex- 
 pecting her to run into my arms as usual— 
 O ! — I cannot proceed. 
 
 Mr. Grey. I hope she has not been se- 
 duced. 
 
 Mr. Thompson. Alas, Sir, a gay young 
 
THE SEDUCER. 5/ 
 
 spark, an officer in the Guards, ingratiated 
 himself into her esteem, and by taking her 
 to plays, and other places of fashionable 
 amusements, has weaned her mind from the 
 simple enjoyments of a country life, and 
 made her dread the thoughts of returning 
 home with me, as was intended. 
 
 Mr. Smart. I hope, Sir, he will act 
 honourably by her. 
 
 Mr. Thompson. I know not what to 
 hope. If he does, in all probability it will 
 be only because he understands her father 
 has some property to bestow on her. 
 
 Mr. Smart. Well, Sir, but if she mar- 
 ries, all will be well then, and I hope you 
 will forgive her indiscretions. 
 
 Mr. Thompson. It is not difficult for 
 me to forgive. Sir; but, alas ! with a taste 
 thus vitiated, I have no hope of her being 
 happy : for what is there in a life of dissipa- 
 tion that can confer happiness ? 
 
 Mr. Smart. But, Sir, I hope her prin- 
 ciples are not corrupted. 
 
 Mr. Thompson. How can I hope this, 
 
 D5 
 
58 THE ROAD TO HUIN. 
 
 Sir, when she has been in that school of 
 vice and infidelity — the play-house ? 
 
 Mr. Smart. Dear Sir, what harm can 
 she learn there ? 
 
 Mr. Thompson. There, Sir, she might 
 learn to jest with sacred things, to despise 
 authorities, and to seek her happiness in 
 the present life, without regard to the duties 
 of religion, or the hopes of another world. 
 
 Mr. Smart. O dear. Sir ! there are 
 many religious persons who go to the play- 
 house. 
 
 Mr. Thompson. Ah, Sir ! there I have 
 been deceived. I knew my friend was a 
 plain, steady man, and so religious as to be 
 dubbed a Methodist by his neighbours ; but 
 he had the misfortune to lose his wife, who 
 was an excellent woman, a few months 
 since, which was one reason of sending my 
 daughter to be with the family. 
 
 Mr. Smart. And the girls, I suppose, 
 are not quite so grave and religious as their 
 mother was ! 
 ^ Mr. Thompson. Young gentleman, I 
 
STROLLING PLAYERS. bQ 
 
 cannot jest on this subject, my feelings are 
 too much agitated. 
 
 Here I could not avoid interfering.— 
 *^ Sir," said I, " this gentleman and my 
 friend were engaged in disputing on the law- 
 fulness of the stage just as you entered, and 
 he feels deeply interested in its defence." 
 
 Mr. Grey, I suppose. Sir, the family 
 being religious, you had no suspicion of 
 your daughter being drawn into such gay 
 company ? 
 
 Mr. Thompson, Not the least. Sir. In 
 the country we have sometimes the strolling 
 players visit us, and they collect together 
 the idle and the thoughtless ; but professors 
 of religion are ashamed to be seen among 
 them, 
 
 Mr. Grey. True, Sir; but here, where 
 people's conduct cannot be so strictly watch- 
 ed, it is no uncommon thing for them to 
 serve God on the Sabbath, and the devil 
 during all the week beside — to play the 
 saint one day, and the fool on the other six. 
 
 Mr. SiMART, Quarter, Gentlemen ! two 
 to one is unfair — and both so severe too ! 
 d6 
 
60 
 
 THE AFFLICTED 'PARENT. 
 
 Mr. Thompson. 1 feel keenly on this sub- 
 ject. This young fellow, by the advantage of 
 a good figure and genteel address, contrived 
 to introduce himself to my friend's family, 
 as the cousin of a young man who pays his 
 addresses to one of my friend's daughters ; 
 and having rendered himself agreeable, 
 they were ready to accompany him wherever 
 he and his relations thought proper. A 
 taste for gaiety is soon created. When my 
 daughter had been two or three times at the 
 theatre, she grew fond of it; and was never 
 easy, I am informed, w^hen the weather 
 permitted, without spending two or three 
 evenings a-week at such amusements. Then 
 to make her company more agreeable to her 
 new acquaintances, she practised the fa- 
 shionable modes of dancing, and learned to 
 play at cards ; so that, in short, she formed 
 such a taste for pleasure, that sooner than 
 return to ^ the humdrum of a country life,' 
 as she called it, she has taken this rash 
 step, and thrown herself into this fellow's' 
 arms. 
 
 Mr. Smart. But, Sir, if their tastes agree. 
 
WORLDLY HAPPINESS. 
 
 6i 
 
 and they both seek happiness in the same 
 way, I see not why they may not yet live 
 happily together. 
 
 Mr. Thompson. Alas, Sir ! in the first 
 place, 1 well know, by experience, that 
 the world has no happiness to confer. The 
 most it can do, in any case, is to make us 
 forget our miseries. And in the next place, 
 I am sensible that when young persons of 
 this turn live constantly together, they soon 
 become wretched. When a woman comes 
 to have a young family, she cannot attend 
 places of amusement — at least not so con- 
 stantly as before. The husband gets sa- 
 tiated with the company of his wife, and is 
 a gallant no more; unless, indeed, he meets 
 with a new object for his affections, and de- 
 ceives and ruins another thoughtless female. 
 
 Mr. Smart. But, Sir, you view only 
 the gloomy side of the question : we should 
 hope for the best in all such cases. 
 
 Mr. Grey. I hope, Sir, you are ac- 
 quainted with sources of consolation equal 
 to your trials. You know *^ a name better 
 than that of sons and daughters." 
 
62 
 
 TENDENCY OF AFFLICTION. 
 
 Mr. Thompson. O, Sir ! but her pre- 
 cious and immortal soul! — it is that I 
 tremble for. 
 
 Mr. Smart. But, Sir, you do not con- 
 sider your daughter as given up to perdition 
 for taking one imprudent step. 
 
 Mr. Thompson. By no means ; but 1 
 fear that step may be the first only of a 
 series ; that she will soon totally forget the 
 principles in which she has been educated, 
 and give up herself wholly to tlie world. 
 
 Mr. Grey. I do not consider your fears 
 groundless ; yet, on the other hand, I should 
 hope a different result. Trials and disap- 
 pointments may be the means of leading her 
 back to seek for consolation in the religion 
 she has deserted ; and when she comes to 
 her ^ right mind,' there is no doubt but she 
 will be glad to return to you, and to her 
 heavenly Father. 
 
 The afflicted gentleman wished it might 
 be so ; and here he fell into conversation 
 with Mr. Grey, of a cast too grave and re- 
 ligious for the rest of the company; and, 
 perhaps, for ray reader^ who may wish, with 
 
SERIOUS C0>fVERSA.T10N. 
 
 63 
 
 them, to divert their attention to othei* 
 topics. Whether the natural aversion of 
 mankind to consider their most important 
 interests, and to the study of subjects inti- 
 mately connected with the nature of their 
 immortal spirits, and a state of future being 
 — whether this be not another proof that 
 the mind is much deranged from its primi- 
 tive state, may be a farther subject of en- 
 quiry. 
 
THIRD DAY. 
 
 ' On the third morning my guide again 
 directed our course westward, in order to 
 look in at the Courts of Westminster. — 
 Whether he expected there to find any 
 proofs of his hypothesis he did not say^ but 
 we happened to drop into Westminster Hall 
 at the opening of a trial which was to us 
 peculiarly interesting. It was on a question 
 of lunacy, and all the ingenuity of counsel 
 was exerted on both sides, to prove and dis- 
 prove the sanity of a lady who had made 
 a will very contrary to the wish of her rela- 
 tions. 
 
 The Counsel employed against the will, 
 among other topics, urged the eccentricity 
 of the deceased lady in her manner of dress 
 and behaviour, and her perpetual habit of 
 
MARKS OP INSANITY. 
 
 65 
 
 talking, whether in company or alone. On 
 the other hand, the advocates of the lady's 
 sanity repelled these arguments, by remark- 
 ing, humorously, that if every lady who 
 dressed whimsically was to be esteemed in- 
 sane, a great part of the sex would be im- 
 plicated ; and if loquacity was a proof of 
 derangement, the whole sex might be in- 
 volved in the charge. At length the Judge, 
 with much candour and patient discrimina- 
 tion, summed up the evidence. Little 
 stress, he thought, should be laid on a wo- 
 man's dress and conversation. There were 
 some points in the case, however^ which 
 appeared to him far more important. It 
 came out, by the evidence of her domestics, 
 that the lady had lost all correct ideas of 
 the true value of money ; and had acquired 
 a habit of hoarding bad halfpence and far- 
 things, which she called guineas and half- 
 guineas, with a fixed contempt for gold and 
 silver. 
 
 Another circumstance, of great weight in 
 this case, was, that she appeared to be en- 
 tirely thoughtless of futurity ; on the pre- 
 
66 
 
 THE CHARGE. 
 
 sent and the past she could converse fluently, 
 but as to the future, her mind appeared to 
 be a perfect blank* 
 
 The last point, on which the Court laid 
 peculiar stress, was, that the unhappy lady 
 had taken a particular aversion to her best 
 friends — even her own father, brother, and 
 sister, and was continually suspecting some 
 design to ruin her, while they were making 
 every exertion to serve her. This, he re- 
 marked, was a common symptom of insa- 
 nity, and these circumstances, taken in 
 connection with the eccentricities which 
 had been mentioned, and confirmed by the 
 opinions of the medical men who had at- 
 tended her, fully satisfied his mind that she 
 was insane, and her last will and testament 
 in question consequently null and void. 
 
 We did not wait for the verdict of the 
 Jury, having other business before us ; but 
 we afterwards heard it was, as might be 
 expected, in unison with the judgment of 
 the Court. 
 
 When we came out, I remarked to my 
 friend how much the counsel appeared in 
 
ART or PLEADING. 
 
 6f 
 
 earnest for their respective clients, as if 
 each were perfectly satisfied of the jus- 
 tice of his cause, and was confident of 
 success ; though 1 made no douht but they 
 pould have changed briefs with ease, and 
 each have pleaded with equal zeal on the 
 opposite side* And this remark led us to 
 the enquiry, whether the arts of counsel 
 were not an impediment to public justice. 
 " Surely (said I) if their object were to 
 investigate truth, it would, in general, be 
 easy to come at it, without so much so- 
 phistry and chicanery.** — '^ True, (said Mr. 
 Grey ;) but the humane principle of our 
 laws is, that every man shall be considered 
 innocent till he is proved guilty. It there- 
 fore gives every man the opportunity, either 
 by himself or by his legal advocate, to make 
 the best possible defence, while the oppo- 
 site party is allowed the same professional 
 aid to detect error, or to discover guilt. 
 There are cases sometimes so grossly bad, 
 that a respectable advocate will throw up 
 his brief, and give in tlie cause ; but they 
 are very unusual, except where he has 
 
^8 CkoSS-QUESTIONlNG. 
 
 been deceived by his own client. But were 
 a barrister always to give np a cause when 
 he finds it weak, and the opposite side 
 supported with better evidence, he would 
 not only betray his trust, but even justice 
 itself would sometimes be defeated ; for 
 upon deeper investigation, it frequently ap- 
 pears that the most plausible story is not the 
 true one." 
 
 " But I should think the haughty, brow- 
 beating manner of many of our public 
 pleaders is not the best adapted to elicit 
 truth, as it must often abash and confound 
 a modest witness, and so defeat the ends of 
 justice." — " No doubt it must, (replied Mr. 
 Grey ;) but then, on the other hand, it 
 sometimes intimidates and embarrasses a 
 suborned witness, and brings the truth to 
 light. It is the duty of the Court, I con- 
 ceive, to protect a modest witness from this 
 brow-beating, and our Judges will some- 
 times interfere for this end, though, I con- 
 fess, not so often as I could wish ; but then 
 we must consider, that thev are so used to 
 the practice of cross- questioning while at 
 
PERJURY. 
 
 69 
 
 the bar, that they may not be so sensible 
 of its effects on a candid and ingenuous 
 mind as we are. At the same time, it is 
 much to be lamented that such methods are 
 often necessary to detect prevarication, and 
 that the sacred nature of an oath should be 
 so much disregarded," 
 
 " There is not a crime (said I) among all 
 our national sins more to be lamented than 
 the prevalence of perjury. What do you 
 suppose, Sir, to be the principal cause r" 
 
 *' The first and great cause (replied my 
 friend) is the infidelity of the human heart. 
 Men supposing the Deity, if indeed they 
 admit, one, to be an imperfect, inconsistent 
 being like themselves, are ready to say, 
 ' Tush ! God does not see^ — or he will not 
 regard.' — But I cannot help thinking, the 
 degree to which oflficial and customary oaths 
 (as they are called) are multiplied, and the 
 very irreverent manner in Avhich they are 
 administered in this country, very much in- 
 crease the evil." 
 
 " I believe so, and I wish that some man 
 of integrity and leisui'e, with full means o( 
 
70 CUSTOMARY OATHS. 
 
 information, would deeply investigate the 
 subject, and place it in a strong light before 
 the legislature and the world." 
 
 " Oaths should never be administered 
 (said Mr. Grey) on slight occasions ; and 
 when requisite, should be expressed in lan- 
 guage concise as well as clear ; and not only 
 pronounced with great solemnity, but the 
 party made to repeat the words. When the 
 administrator hurries over along and compli- 
 cated form of words, which is often not heard, 
 and when heard, not well understood, how 
 can he expect it to be properly regarded by 
 the person who kisses the book, or perhaps 
 his thumb only instead, as some persons 
 have been wicked enough to boast of doing ? 
 
 ^^ As to customary oaths, I have heard 
 that many respectable tradesmen send their 
 youngest or most ignorant servants to take 
 the necessary oaths at the public offices. 
 They do this as a part of their duty to their 
 masters, who themselves shrink from taking 
 them, as knowing they should be involved 
 in prevarication, if not downright perjury." 
 
 '^ A miserable subterfuge, truly, (said 
 
OFFICIAL OATHS. fl 
 
 Mr. Grey ;) but this cannot be don^ in 
 official oaths, which I fear are merely con- 
 sidered as ceremonies of inauguration, and 
 not as rules of future conduct ; indeed, I 
 am told the oaths required of constables, 
 parish officers, &c. are so strong, as to re- 
 quire that energy and decision in the sup^ 
 pression of vice, and keeping good order, 
 to which few minds are equal. 
 
 *' Beside this (added Mr. Grey) the test 
 of an oath, which with us is the New Tes* 
 tament, can be obligatory on those only who 
 believe it; and for this reason we do not 
 tender it to a Turk, a Pagan, or a Jew, or 
 to an avowed Atheist ; yet this is the only 
 test we offer to the very numerous class of 
 Deists, who have no more faith in its divi- 
 nity than Jews themselves, and who pay 
 less regard to such oaths than to their word 
 of honour. Indeed, a solemn appeal to the 
 Supreme Being, as is practised in some 
 countries, without the Popish ceremony of 
 kissing a book for which they have no vene- 
 ration, and the design of which many do 
 pot understand, would, in my opinion, ho 
 
72 THE AUCTION. 
 
 far more regarded by men in general. The 
 Papists who admit the New Testament to be 
 divine^ condemn our version as heretical ; 
 and the Jews, who venerate the Old, regard 
 our translation as erroneous ; in what light, 
 therefore, but as a solemn mockery, can 
 they consider such a form r" 
 
 Thus we went on conversing, till we 
 came to the next place my friend had in 
 view, which was-^— a fashionable auction- 
 room. 
 
 Here we met with a motley company of 
 both sexes, and of various characters— No- 
 bility, virtuosi, literati, and sharpers. The 
 first lot put up after we came in was a black- 
 letter copy of one of our early English 
 poets — a work itself confessedly of no merit, 
 and in a type and dialect which very few 
 could read : but then it was one of the first 
 attempts at printing in this country ; a lite- 
 rary man, therefore, bid up to ten guineas 
 for it, and seemed rejoiced to find it knock- 
 ed down to him. 
 
 The next lot was a^n illuminated Missal 
 of the twelfth century, written on vellum. 
 
AN UNIQUE. f$ 
 
 perfectly useless, it is true, but beautifully 
 illuminated : — an amateur, therefore, cheer- 
 fully gave ten pounds for it. 
 
 A classic was now put up — very scarce — 
 and supposed to be unique; but a young 
 tiobleman denied this, declaring he had the 
 fellow to it, in equal preservation. This, 
 however, seemed questionable to others ; 
 and whether from regard for the book, or 
 opposition to his lordship, the price was 
 run up to five and twenty pounds : my lord, 
 however, was the happy purchaser, and paid 
 down the money; but no sooner did he obtain 
 possession, than he took his pen-knife, and 
 cutting out all the leaves, scattered them on 
 a large fire, which was near him, and then 
 exclaimed, with an oath, '' Now is my copy 
 an unique, and worth at least fifty guineas !" 
 Not being accustomed to this method of 
 raising the value of books, I stood quite 
 confounded, while some of the company 
 seemed to smile at his lordship's simplicity. 
 For my part, when I came to ray recollec- 
 tion, I put him down as a member of our 
 
74 THE LITfiRARY HOAX. 
 
 insane world, which I was now satisfied 
 extended to the higher classes of society. 
 
 The last lot put up to-day in the library 
 was a fine copy of Euclid, ascertained to 
 have belonged formerly to Sir Isaac New- 
 ton. This excited an evident sensation in 
 the company, and the auctioneer enlarged 
 with great eloquence on the value of the 
 book, as arising from the celebrity of its 
 former possessor ; beside this, Mr. Puff as- 
 sured the company that this book contained 
 a note, in the hand-writing of our great 
 philosopher, and a problem worked by 
 him^ vj^hich made it of inestimable value, 
 though, for obvious reasons, it must be in- 
 spected only by the purchaser. Curiosity 
 and veneration for Sir Isaac, soon raised this 
 book to a higher price than the preceding, 
 and after a long contest it was sold for 
 thirty-two pounds. The purchaser, who was 
 well known, immediately gave his draft to 
 the auctioneer, and retired to examine his 
 original note and problem. I saw him again 
 afterwards ; but from his looks and hasty 
 
HIGH ANTIQUITIES. 7^ * 
 
 manner of passing througb the room, I 
 concluded that he did not wish for such an- 
 other bargain. 
 
 The auctioneer now proceeded to the cu- 
 riosities of his museum, which afforded 
 great scope for his oratorical powers.— 
 Among these I particularly admired a fossil 
 bone of a non-descript animal, which he as-, 
 sured us had been extinct for many ages ; 
 and which, from the state and circumstances 
 under which it was found, could not be less 
 than ten thousand years old. Beside this, 
 he shewed us, in a fossil state, the wing- 
 bone of a fowl, which he said the Patriarch 
 Noah threw out of the ark, after he had 
 picked it for his dinner. 
 
 " These are wonderful curiosities/* said I 
 to Mr. Grey ; " but how is our orator able^ 
 so exactly to ascertain their age ?" 
 
 " Auctioneers," replied he, " always 
 claim the privilege of lying in the rostrum ; 
 and they have this excuse, that the fact is 
 so generally known, that none but the 
 weakest of mankind are deceived by them. 
 In the present instance, however, I consider 
 £ 2 
 
76 GEOLOGICAL DOUBTS* 
 
 Mr. Puff's wit merely as a Jling at the Mo- 
 saic History, and a ridicule of revealed re- 
 ligion." 
 
 " I have noticed lately (said I) a strong 
 disposition in scientific men— (and tbis man 
 is only aping a philosopher) — to contradict 
 the Mosaic account of the creation, par- 
 ticularly as relates to the antiquity of our 
 globe." 
 
 ^^ Philosophers (replied Mr, G.) have al- 
 ways shewn a disposition to contradict the 
 word of God ; hut as I am satisfied with the 
 evidences of revelation, so have I always 
 thought that the Maker of the world must 
 best know when he made it." 
 
 ** But geologists cannot reconcile with 
 the phenomena of nature, particularly as to 
 fossils, the notion of its having existed not 
 quite six thousand years." 
 
 ^^ And moral philosophers. Sir, cannot 
 reconcile the phsenomena of the moral 
 world with the notion of its having existed 
 so long. How is it (say they) that in a 
 world that has subsisted so many ages, 
 knowledge has made so little progress ? and 
 
 I 
 
EXTINCT ANIM!itS. 77 
 
 many of the sciences are yet in their in- 
 fancy? — But both reason from uncertain 
 theory. The scripture deluge, in my opi- 
 nion, when properly understood, answers 
 both objections. The distance of four 
 thousand years appears to me abundantly 
 sufficient to account for most of the fossil 
 appearances we meet with ; and the same 
 event, as it gave the world a kind of new 
 beginning, and must have greatly inter- 
 rupted the progress of science and of the 
 arts, accounts for their not having attained 
 greater perfection. 
 
 " But what think vou of the fact of cer- 
 tain species of animals having become ex- 
 tinct ?" 
 
 " I think it possible, but doubtful. We 
 are continually discovering strange animals, 
 heretofore unknown, and it is not impossible 
 that many may still exist in those parts of 
 the earth and ocean which are as yet im- 
 perfectly explored ; other animals, by arti- 
 ficial breeding and change of climate, may 
 be so much altered as not to be known for 
 the same species. That the remains of 
 E 3 
 
78 HUMAN FOSSILS. 
 
 animals should be found where the animals 
 themselves are now strangers, is perfectly 
 natural, for it is highly probable, that by 
 the great deluge, and perhaps by more par- 
 tial changes, seas may have given place to 
 many parts of the continent, and parts of 
 the old continents have sunk below the 
 ocean ; and perhaps something like this 
 may be implied in the foundations of the 
 great deep being broken up, while the win- 
 dows of heaven were opened to pour down 
 in cataracts all the waters from above." 
 
 " But I think. Sir, it has been asserted 
 that we have no fossil remains of the human 
 frame, which seems very extraordinary, if 
 the whole world were drowned." 
 
 " So it has been said ; but as very lately 
 some fossil human skeletons, almost com- 
 plete, have been discovered, I should sup- 
 pose ther^ is an end to that objection, and 
 to the inferences drawn from it. We have, 
 however, penetrated so little way into the 
 globe which we inhabit, that he must be a 
 rash man who pretends to say what may or 
 may not be contained nearer to the centre — 
 
THE CRUCIFIX. 
 
 79 
 
 to which we have never penetrated a thou- 
 sandth part." 
 
 While thus conversing together in a cor- 
 ner of the room, several lots were disposed 
 of, perhaps as precious as the bones above- 
 mentioned ; but the first which arrested our 
 attention was a small silver crucifix, at the 
 bottom of which was incased a small piece 
 of the real cross on which our Saviour suf- 
 fered — as Mr. Auctioneer solemnly assured 
 us. A gentleman present expressed some 
 surprize at the confidence with which this 
 was asserted ; but a naval officer present 
 swore he had no doubt of it, for he had 
 himself seen, on the Continent, enough of 
 the same wood to build a man of war. A 
 Catholic lady present appeared much hurt 
 at this profane remark ; and casting an 
 anxious look toward the object, bade five 
 guineas ; a Jew dealer in curiosities made a 
 small advance, which being noticed with 
 some astonishment, he said it would melt 
 for more money ; the lady was, however, 
 determined to have the object, and especially 
 to rescue her silver Saviour from the Jew's 
 
 £ 4 
 
^^ THE PUSS-GENTLEMAN. 
 
 melting-pot, and therefore ad t meed at once 
 to ten guineas, and had it immediately 
 handed to her. 
 
 A Madona and Child, set with brilliants, 
 and adorned with a genuine lock of the 
 Virgin Mary's hair, was our next article, 
 and was eagerly purchased by a debauched 
 nobleman, whose appearance seemed to say 
 he bought this virgin to atone for the injury 
 he had done to others. 
 
 We now withdrew from this scene of cu- 
 riosities, and after taking some slight re- 
 freshment in our way, passed on to one of 
 the fashionable Scientific Institutes. Here 
 we found a very genteel company, engaged 
 in fashionable tite-a tite ; and the first 
 character which engaged our attention was 
 * a sweet-scented beau,' the perfect counter- 
 part to Shakespeare's puss-gentleman. He 
 was dressed, powdered, and perfumed, to at- 
 tract the admiration of the ladies, and fur- 
 nisjied with a glass, suspended from his but- 
 ton-hole, that he might in turn admire them. 
 I have since learned, that this young gentle- 
 man, who was of a noble family, was origi- 
 
HERALDRY. 
 
 Si 
 
 nally intendfed for the army, but having a 
 strong antipathy to those * vile guns,' which 
 the soldiers use, he turned his attention to 
 the church, atid was waiting the lapse of a 
 good benefice, in the gift of the family, to 
 enter upon his profession — not as a labo- 
 rious parish priest — nor as a clerical sports- 
 man, for he would never risk his precious 
 life in a fox-hunt, nor could he bear the 
 smell of gunpowder — but in a snug rectory, 
 where he should have little duty to perform, 
 with much time for ease and enjoyment, 
 and the prospect of rising in his profession. 
 So far as we could judge by his conversa- 
 tion, heraldry seemed to have been his fa- 
 vourite study; we observed he was earnestly 
 recommending it to a young gentleman, 
 whose family had been but recently en- 
 nobled, in consequence of the naval exploits 
 of his father, and who seemed anxious to 
 understand the honours which he had so 
 lately attained. The difference between 
 these two characters was striking : the latter 
 having been bred up in a man of war, was 
 rough and aukward in his mantf6fs, which 
 , £ 5 
 
82 NOVELS. 
 
 made him a perfect contrast to the exces- 
 sive refinement of the other. 
 
 We now moved to the opposite side of the 
 room, and lent an ear to a group of ladies^ 
 who were conversing on the novels they had 
 lately read. One praised the sweet simpli- 
 city of Mrs. Opie, and another the charac- 
 teristic naivete of Miss E dge worth ; a third 
 admired the ingenious plots of Madam 
 D'Arblay, and a fourth the terrific subli- 
 mity of Mrs. Radclifie. One thing I ob- 
 served, as the necessary result of a course 
 of reading confined to fictitious works, that 
 none of the ladies appeared to derive their 
 knowledge of human nature so much from 
 real life as from the heroes of imagination 
 and romance ; that consequently every 
 object which attracted their notice was 
 viewed through a medium highly coloured, 
 and they abounded in the use of adjectives 
 in the superlative degree. Every thing 
 which pleased them was charming, exqui- 
 site, incomparable, immense ; and whatever 
 displeased them, horrid and disgusting in 
 the extreme. 
 
GALVANISM. 83 
 
 The lecturer now appeared, and, after a 
 proper introduction, gave a masterly expo- 
 sition of the new and fashionable science of 
 Galvanism, which he confirmed by a variety 
 of experiments, particularly on animal sub- 
 stances. One thing, however, particularly 
 offended me, and I took the opportunity to 
 mention it to my friend as soon as we left 
 the lecture room. My humanity was hurt 
 to think of the tortures to which the poor 
 animals must have been subjected by his ex- 
 periments. 
 
 " Were you alarmed then, (said Mr. 
 Grey,) for the feelings of a dead frog ?" — 
 " No, Sir, (I replied ;) but though the expe- 
 riments we saw were on the limbs of dead 
 objects, I understood many of his private 
 experiments were on the living animal^ and 
 "must have occasioned the most exquisite 
 tortures." — '^ I fear so," returned Mr. G. 
 " but you know the argument in favour of 
 such experiments, from their utility to man- 
 kind." — *' I do. Sir; but I suspect both its 
 truth and equity. I believe a great part of 
 the cruel experiments of these philosophers 
 e6 
 
84 CRUEL EXPERIMENTS. 
 
 originate in a vain and idle curiosity, and 
 seldom prove of any practical utility to 
 man ; and that the living subject is often 
 experimented upon, when the dead subject 
 might answer every useful purpose." 
 
 " God forbid I should be the advocate of 
 cruelty !" replied my friend. ^' How far it 
 may be lawful to inflict sufferings on other 
 creatures to relieve our own, is much too 
 delicate a question for me to determine ; 
 but of this I am confident, that to torture 
 them for mere curiosity, or for any purposes 
 of science not really important to our being | 
 or happiness, is utterly unjustifiable — or, in ' 
 other words, criminal, in the sight of God." 
 
 " That, Sir, I fear, would be no object 
 with our lecturer; for though he talked 
 much of tbe activity and benevolence of 
 Nature, I do not recollect that he once men- 
 tioned the doctrine of a Supreme Being, or 
 made any allusion to the display of his 
 wisdom and power in the works of creation 1 
 and providence. Whether the gentleman 
 be an Atheist, or is afraid to offend the 
 atheistical principles of his audience, I can- 
 
THEOLOGICAL ALLUSIONS. 85 
 
 not say. If the latter be the case, and he 
 is ashamed of his Maker, while I pity the 
 weakness of the man, I mast confess it re- 
 quires no ordinary degree of courage in a 
 modern philosopher to inculcate the doc- 
 trine of a Deity, and his universal provi- 
 dence, before a fashionable assembly, where 
 — his presence is never welcome, nor his 
 name uttered, except in some profane ex- 
 clamation. It is the fashion also to account 
 for every thing in nature and philosophy, 
 without the intervention of a divine Agent, 
 and to make any theological allusions is 
 contrary to the rules of scientifical societies. 
 May God forgive the creatures who are 
 ashamed of their Creator !" 
 
 This was the substance of our conversa- 
 tion as we walked from the Institution to 
 to the house of Dr. Scott, an eminent phy- 
 sician from the North, and the friend of 
 Mr. Grey, with whom we had been invited 
 to dine together. After dinner the conver- 
 sation turned on the lecture we had heard, 
 and the remarks we had made on the want 
 of reference to a first cause on scientific 
 
o8 MYSTERIES OF INFIDELITY. 
 
 Dr. Scott, No, Sir : I presume you do 
 not dissect the body till the soul is gone. 
 
 Mr. Grey. But we are, not. Sir, to be 
 laughed out of our religion. Whether the 
 doctrine of a soul and a future state be de- 
 monstrable or not by reason, we believe it 
 on the authority of revelation, and before 
 you can deprive us of it, you must set aside 
 the evidences of Christianity. 
 
 Mr. Keen. As to that. Sir, you are 
 very welcome to be a Christian, if you 
 please ; but I feel no inclination to give up 
 my reason, and swallow mysteries and ab- 
 surdities. 
 
 Mr, Grey. With respect to absurdities, 
 I will promise you. Sir, to renounce Chris- 
 tianity myself, if you can shew in it any 
 absurdities equal to those inseparable from 
 infidelity. 
 
 Mr. Keen. I confess 1 did not expect a 
 challenge of this kind. I have been purging 
 my creed these twelve years, and I really 
 thought I had sufficiently purified it from 
 absurdities. 
 
.SCEPTICISM. 89 
 
 Mr. Grey. Perhaps you thought, that by 
 believing nothing you could be in no danger 
 of believing too much ; but the mind must 
 believe something. We cannot seriously 
 persuade ourselves that we are non-entities, 
 and that the world around us is a dream. 
 At least, Sir, I hope that your creed is not 
 purified to this high state of refinement. 
 
 Mr. Keen. Not quite. Sir — at least, I 
 believe my own existence. 
 
 Dr. Scott. And that of a Supreme 
 Being, I should hope. 
 
 Mr. Keen. Perhaps not in the sense in 
 which you Christians would explain it. I 
 believe in an infinite and eternal universe, 
 
 " Whose body nature is, and God the soul." 
 
 Mr. Grey. Yes, Sir, I perceive your 
 creed is quite philosophical ; but do you 
 believe in an intelligent first cause ? 
 
 Mr. Keen. 1 do. Sir. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Then you unite intelligence 
 with power. 
 
 Mr Keen. Certainly. 
 
 Mr. Grey. And do you also endow your 
 
90 DIVINE PERFECTIONS. * 
 
 great first cause with goodness and compas- 
 sion ? 
 
 Mr. Keen. 1 believe hira to be so en- 
 dowed. 
 
 Mr. Grey. And do you number justice 
 among his attributes. 
 
 Mr. Keen. I certainly attribute to him 
 no cruelty or injustice : — but I perceive your 
 aim, Sir, and will tell you frankly wherein 
 we differ. The great Being whom I adore 
 is far exalted above the local Deity of Jews 
 and Christians. He is the Father of the 
 Universe, and confines not his attention to 
 our system, much less to our little planet, 
 which might perish, with a thousand others, 
 without any loss to him. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Truly, Sir, he would be no 
 loser; but you think it beneath his dignity 
 to stoop to the offices of care and kindness 
 allotted to him in our Scriptures. 
 
 Mr. Keen. Sii*, the God in whom I ' 
 believe does not stoop to count hairs and 
 sparrows, 
 
 Mr. Grey. You do not suppose, then, 
 tliat he meddles with our family affairs } 
 
PROVIDENCE. S^l 
 
 Mr. Keen. No ; nor national neither. 
 He has endued his creatures with capacities 
 and means of happiness, and leaves them to 
 pursue it or not as they think proper ; — -just 
 as you would make a machine, and leave it 
 to perform its functions. 
 
 Mr. Grey. He does not interfere then 
 in the distribution of justice in the earth? 
 
 Mr. Keen. By no means: he leaves 
 mankind to manage the concerns of this 
 world, as he has no doubt committed the 
 management of other worlds to their re- 
 spective inhabitants. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Then it is not likely that he 
 will call them to account for their behaviour 
 to him, or towards each other. 
 
 Mr. Keen. I hope not ; and indeed why 
 should he ? They cannot injure him ; and 
 if they hurt each other, they must take the 
 consequences. 
 
 Mr. Grey. You seem careful of the 
 happiness of your Supreme Being. You 
 wisli to rid him of all the care 'and trouble 
 of managing this little world. 
 
 Mr. Keen. Certainly, Sir. It is do- 
 
92 DEGRADING IDEAS OF GOD. 
 
 grading to the character of the Supreme 
 Being to employ him in such trifling con- 
 cerns ; as much 3 and even far more, than it 
 would degrade the monarch of the British 
 empire, to employ himself in the workshop 
 of a manufacturer. 
 
 Mr. Grey. You honour the Deity 
 then. Sir, by robbing him of his attri- 
 butes. 
 
 Mr. Keen. How do you mean. Sir ? 
 
 Mr. Grey. I will endeavour to explain 
 myself. To save him trouble and perplexity 
 in the government of the world, you di- 
 vest him of his power, his wisdom, and his 
 justice : for what can cause him trouble or 
 perplexity but weakness of power, or of 
 intellect ? Suppose infinite wisdom and 
 might concentrated in the same Being, and 
 whence can difficulties arise ? Can any 
 thing be hard for Almighty Power; or per- 
 plexing to an infinite understanding? — 
 You even give up his equity and justice, to 
 save him the trouble of examining into the 
 conduct and motives of mankind ; and his 
 goodness can he exercised only in affairs of 
 
MADNESS OP INFIDELITY. 9^ 
 
 no difficulty. This is acting very kind. Sir, 
 toward your Maker ! 
 
 Mr. Keen. I understand your sneer. 
 Sir ; but were I to ridicule your opinions in 
 the same way, 1 should be called profane— 
 or I could retaliate. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Very likely, Sir ; but I con- 
 ceive there is a wide difference in the two 
 cases. When you ridicule religion^ you 
 ridicule the Author of your being, and of 
 all your enjoyments ; but when I ridicule 
 your imaginary God, pray whom do I of- 
 fend r By your own account, he does not 
 trouble himself with human affairs ; he can- 
 not, therefore, regard my conversation. — 
 But I have no objection to confine myself 
 to more serious arguments ; and here. Sir, 
 permit me to say, that I consider your 
 system as the most irrational, and the most 
 melancholy, that can be conceived. In 
 short. Sir, I consider infidels as madmen, 
 and their madness as the worst species of 
 melancholy. 
 
 Mr. Keen. Bravo, Sir ! Pray go on, 
 for my curiosity is excited to hear how you 
 
94, ABSURDITIES OF INFIDELITY. 
 
 will attempt to prove us merry fellows me- 
 lancholy. 
 
 Mr. Grey. But previoiisly. Sir, permit 
 me to state some of the absurdities attendant 
 on your opinions. First, you are compelled 
 by the doctrine of causes and effects to 
 admit a first cause ; yet from that cause you 
 subtract the power necessary to produce the 
 effects to be accounted for. For instance, 
 in admitting a Supreme Being, you admit of 
 infinite power and wisdom, and yet you re- 
 strict the exercise of these very attributes. 
 You allow him to make the whole, yet you 
 consider it beneath him to be conversant 
 with all its parts : you allow him to govern 
 the universe, yet leave all the different 
 worlds to govern for themselves. As a 
 philosopher, you must know that a whole 
 includes all its parts ; and if the great God 
 is not intimately acquainted with even the 
 minutest parts of the creation, he cannot 
 know the whole : and if his agency does 
 not extend to every part of the universe he 
 has made, the whole might be thrown into 
 the most dreadful confusion by a thousand 
 
PERMISSION OF EVIL. Qb 
 
 accidental circnmstances. The life of a 
 monarch, and the fate of an empire, have, 
 ere now, dep)ended on a feather or a fly. 
 
 Mr. Keen. Sir, I do not deny the Su- 
 preme Being the power of controul ; I only 
 demur on his interference, except on grand 
 and extraordinary occasions. 
 
 Mr. Grey. But the most ordinary oc- 
 casions may produce the most serious 
 events. Besides, if you admit his power of 
 controul, and yet deny that he interferes to 
 punish the most flagrant crimes, where is 
 his equity and goodness ? 
 
 Mr. Keen. You admit, as well as I do, 
 that he suffers innumerable evils to prevail 
 daily and hourly, without attempting to 
 prevent them. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Certainly I do : but then I 
 believe that these are parts of his infinitely 
 complicated scheme ; and that it is his pre- 
 rogative to bring good out of evil, as well 
 as events the most important out of circum- 
 stances apparently the most trivial ; but the 
 grand and ow/3/ doctrine which can ' justify 
 
96 
 
 ATHEISTS WITHOUT HOPE. 
 
 the ways of God to man,' is that of a future 
 state and a final judgment. 
 
 Mr. Keen. I am sure this would make 
 me melancholy enough, if I believed it :-— 
 but I leave you to encounter those horrors. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Ah, Sir ! it might be well 
 for you if you could thus easily get rid of 
 them for ever. But I proceed to shew the 
 melancholy tendency of your system in the 
 present life, independent of its future con- 
 sequences. And when for a moment I con- 
 sider myself as an isolated being, deserted 
 or cut off from the protection of the Deity, 
 I seem plunged into the depth of despair 
 and misery. Well might the Apostle say 
 of those who are ^ without God,' that they 
 are ' without hope' also. 
 
 Mr. Keen. But do we not see mankind 
 suffer the same miseries as if there were no 
 God at all ? 
 
 Mr. Grey. It is difficult to suppose any 
 thing without a Deity — it is an infinite 
 series of effects without a cause : but admit 
 the idea of an infinite and intelligent Go- 
 
THE HOPE OF A CHRISTIAN. Qf 
 
 •* 
 
 vernor of the worlds and the very idea throws 
 a glory upon eveiy object around^ and half 
 annihilates the miseries you complain of. 
 Bring me now a Christian (I mean in the 
 full sense of the term) apparently the most 
 miserable upon earth — select him from a 
 workhouse or an infirmary, and examine 
 him on the state of his mind in his affliction, 
 and you will find him full of hope, if not of 
 peace and joy : he is afflicted with infirmity 
 and disease, perhaps tormented with excru- 
 ciating pain ; but he believes, at least he 
 hopes, that, all things are working together 
 for his good ; — yea, that they shall work 
 out for him " a far more exceeding and 
 eternal weight of glory." 
 
 Mr. Keen, But if Christianity be so fe- 
 licitous a system, how is it that so many are 
 driven out of their senses by it ? 
 
 Mr. Grey. I am not afraid to meet you 
 on that question ; for I suppose you will, as 
 a professional man, admit that intense think- 
 ing, upon any subject, may be too much for 
 a mind constitutionally weak. 
 
 V 
 
 \ 
 
98 RELIGIOUS MELANCHOLY. 
 
 Mr. Keen. That is, you admit that too 
 much religion makes people mad. 
 
 Mr. Grey. No, Sir ; it is rather the want 
 of religion that does this. At some times, 
 particularly in sickness, conscience depicts 
 our guilt in such strong and vivid colours, 
 as to fill us with dismay and terror ; and 
 then, if religion does not present us with the 
 consolations of the Gospel, it is no great 
 matter of astonishment if we sink into abso- 
 lute despair. But the Gospel is full of 
 hope and comfort ; and, when cordially be- 
 lieved, is capable of affording relief in cases 
 the most desperate. It is unbelief. Sir, and 
 not faith, which drives people to despair. 
 
 Mr. Keen. But it is evident that reli- 
 gion is the cause of their insanity, because 
 these people, before their derangement is 
 complete, are always engaged in religious 
 exercises — praying, reading, or hearing ser- 
 mons. 
 
 Mr. Grey. One reason of this may be, 
 that they ignorantly suppose their salvation 
 depends on the multitude of religious duties^ 
 
MADNESS OP INFIDELITY. 99 
 
 whereby they expect to merit the favour of 
 their Maker, and discovering the imperfec- 
 tion of these services, they sink into des- 
 pondency. At other times they take up 
 some particular point of religion — as for 
 instance, the divine decrees — and, attempt- 
 ing to penetrate where angels dare not, they 
 become overwhelmed with the thought that 
 perhaps those decrees may be against them, 
 and this seals them down to melancholy and 
 despair ; they suppose themselves doomed 
 to irretrievable misery, when Heaven is 
 Open to all the human race besides. 
 
 Here the dispute closed, Mr. Keen being 
 sent for by a patient. After he was gone, 
 Mr. Grey observed to Dr. Scott, I am sorry 
 to find your proteg^, Mr. Keen, so strongly 
 tinctured with infidelity. 
 
 Dr. Scott. I have often reasoned with 
 him on the subject ; but there is an infatua- 
 tion attending these principles, which will 
 not allow men to submit, however their 
 objections may be silenced. 
 
 Mr. Grey. This, Sir, I call the madness 
 of infidelity. 
 
 F5? 
 
100 A DISEASE OF THE HEART. 
 
 '" " — ". . ■:-■: -a: .... ' iiJa. .. 
 
 Dr. Scott. I have frequently repeated 
 to him the reproof of Sir Isaac Newton to 
 Dr. Halley — " When you talk on science, 
 I listen to you with pleasure, because you 
 understand it; but when you talk of religion, 
 it is too plain that you understand nothing 
 about it." 
 
 Mr. Grey. Yet I conceive. Sir, infidelity 
 is rather a disease of the heart than of the 
 head. Men of the clearest intellects, from 
 a rooted aversion to religion, resist its sacred 
 obligations ; and, like the deaf adder^ will 
 not be charmed, " though the charmer 
 charm ever so wisely." 
 
 Dr. Scott. So I think, Sir ; for, in cases 
 where every objection has been answered, 
 and persons have acknowledged themselves 
 satisfied of the truth of Christianity, they 
 have still discovered an aversion to its 
 sacred mysteries, and its holy precepts. 
 
 Mr. Grey. It is one thing to acquiesce, 
 
 either from the force of education or of 
 
 argument, in the truth of religion, and quite 
 
 another cordially to believe it. 
 
 Dr. Scott, True, Sir; our divines have 
 
FAITH ILLUSTRATED. 101 
 
 therefore distinguished different kinds of 
 faith — as nominal and real, common and 
 saving, and so forth. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Divines have been too fond 
 of these distinctions, and sometimes made 
 them without sufficient reason. Much de- 
 pends, I apprehend, on the manner in which 
 we view the gospel^ as proposed to our ac- 
 ceptance. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Will you have the goodness 
 to explain, Sir ? 
 
 Mr Grey. Perhaps I had better do this 
 by a familiar illustration. Suppose, Sir, a 
 decision to have taken place in the Court of 
 Chancery, and an advertisement to be in- 
 serted in the Gazette, that the Andover 
 Estate, describing it, is adjudged to John 
 Anderson and his heirs for ever. Now, Sir, 
 the multitude will read this with the utmost 
 indifference — for what is it to them ? A few 
 will say, ' 1 am glad of it, for Mr. Anderson 
 is a worthy man ;' one perhaps may say, 
 ^ I am sorry, for 1 hate the man.' But John 
 Anderson and his heirs will read the decree 
 with very different feelings. All believe it ; 
 f3 
 
1 02 PLEASURE OF CONTENTION. 
 
 btit these only cordially embrace it, for it is 
 theirs. So is it in the gospel. The gene- 
 rality of nominal Christians admit the truth 
 of religion^ without feeling any peculiar 
 interest in it, or troubling themselves to 
 make any enquiry. But when the gospel 
 comes to be considered as a testament or de- 
 cree in our favour, then w^e feel a peculiar 
 interest, and cordially embrace it. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Your illustration. Sir, seems 
 just upon the whole ; yet we see persons, 
 who evince nothing of the spirit of the 
 gospel in their conduct, will contend vio- 
 lently, and sometimes ^ even unto blood,' 
 for the truth and excellency of their religion. 
 Are we to suppose that they contend thus 
 earnestly for what they really do not believe? 
 
 Mr. Grey. Yes, Sir ; many people con- 
 tend even for the pleasure of contention. 
 It is the element of some people^ and they 
 are never happy in a calm. Others think to 
 hide their indifference to vital religion by 
 their zeal for creeds and forms. These are 
 hypocrites, and the others Christians in 
 name only. ^ 
 
HYPOCRISY DEFINED. 103 
 
 Dr. Scott. I observe, Sir, you distin- 
 guish between nominal Christians, merely 
 such, and hypocrites ; do we not generally 
 consider all mere professors as hypocrites ? 
 
 Mr. Grey. Perhaps so : but I think not 
 accurately. A hypocrite is an assumed cha- 
 racter : he puts on the mask of religion to 
 deceive : but a profane immoral professor 
 (and there are many such) can deceive no- 
 body ; nor does he indeed attempt it. He 
 carries the mark of the beast upon his fore- 
 head. 
 
 Dr. ScoiT. There is another class of 
 nominal Christians, whom I suppose you 
 would except — such as know nothing of 
 Christianity beside the name, and take no 
 trouble to enquire into either its doctrines 
 or its duties. 
 
 Mr. Grey. I think these cannot pro- 
 perly be called hypocrites, because they 
 profess to be no more than they really are 
 — Christians in name only ; and they use 
 this name, not as a religious, but a civil 
 term, to distinguish themselves from brutes 
 and barbarians. 
 
 f4 
 
104 PRACTICAL ATHEISM. 
 
 Dr. Scott. But are not these very de- 
 praved and awful characters ? 
 
 Mr. Grey. Truly so : for they are prac- 
 tical Atheists, as being ^ without God in the 
 world,' though perhaps they never thought 
 upon the subject. 
 
 « Dr. Scott. They have to answer, not 
 only for rejecting Divine Revelation without 
 enquiry, with all its evidences before them, 
 but also for neglecting the light of nature^ 
 which not only teaches us that there is a 
 God, but, as Cicero many ages since taught, 
 that he is to be worshipped. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Indeed, Sir, these ai*e cha- 
 racters which call for our pity, and excite 
 our zeal; but hypocrites are characters still 
 more hateful to God, and far more criminal 
 in his sight, because they assume religion 
 as a disguise for their wickedness ; and pre- 
 tend to worship God merely to serve their 
 own interests, or to procure the applause of 
 men. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Do you conceive. Sir, that 
 hypocrites know their own character ? 
 
ZEAL OF HYPOCRITES. 105 
 
 Mr. Grey. If they know the ruling 
 principle of their own conduct ; and this I 
 conceive, forms the characteristic difference 
 between a hypocrite and a mere professor. 
 
 Dr. Scott. What madness must it be. 
 Sir, to attempt to deceive God ! 
 
 Mr. Grey. That would be more than 
 madness, Sir ; it would be idiotcy. No man 
 who believes in a Supreme Being can be weak 
 enough to think that he can deceive him. 
 But hypocrites, strictly such, find it their 
 interest to deceive mankind ; and as to God, 
 they say, * Tush ! God does not see' — that 
 is, he will not regard it ; or as your friend, 
 Mr. Keen, would express it, ^ he does not 
 trouble himself to scrutinize the characters 
 of private individuals.' 
 
 Dr. Scott. But are not hypocrites often 
 very zealous for God, and for religion ? 
 
 Mr. Grey. They may apj)ear so, and 
 say as Jehu did, * Come, see my zeal for 
 the Lord of Hosts !' But this was not in- 
 tended to deceive God, but the people. If 
 luch men are mad, which \ am very ready 
 
io6 
 
 SAUL AND PAUL. 
 
 to admit in a moral sense, theirs, as I remark- 
 ed just now, is the madness of Infidelity. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Perhaps you would illustrate 
 this by the case of Saul, afterwards called 
 Paul, who was " exceedingly mad'' against 
 the Christians. 
 
 Mr. Grey. No, Sir; Saul was neither an 
 infidel nor a hypocrite; he believed in Moses 
 and the Jewish law; but he was mad enough 
 to think he pleased God by persecuting his 
 Saints, whom he took for hypocrites or en- 
 thusiasts. He was, however, perfectly sin- 
 cere in his zeal, and would have suffered, 
 perhaps, as well as done, any thing to ex- 
 tirpate the new sect of Christians. 
 
 Dr. Scott. You think, then, that Saul 
 the Pharisee would have suffered as readily 
 for Judaism, as Paul the Apostle did for 
 Christianity. 
 
 Mr. Grey. I think his character wa3 
 uniformly sincere and ardent ; his heart was 
 in every thing he did, through life. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Then you excuse his perse- 
 cuting spirit, since he acted from so pure a 
 motive ? 
 
UNBELIEF AND DISBELIEF. 107 
 
 Ma. Grey. God forbid, Sir, I should be 
 the apologist of persecution ! Integrity 
 and zeal are valuable qualities in the human 
 character, but will not justify a bad cause, 
 nor excuse a cruel action. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Truly so: yet you seem to 
 me to apologize for Saul's conduct, when 
 you attribute it to zeal for God : but how 
 can you reconcile his being a believer in the 
 Jewish religion, when, after his conversion, 
 speaking of his persecuting the saints, he 
 says, he did it " ignorantly in unbelief." 
 
 Mr. Grey. This I consider as perfectly 
 consistent with my assertion, that Saul was 
 not an Infidel, unless we are warranted in 
 applying that name to every unconverted 
 person, which would, I think, produce con- 
 fusion in our ideas. Such may, indeed, be 
 properly considered as unbelievers ; but I 
 consider an Infidel as a disbeliever, which 
 certainly implies something more, namely, 
 a positive rejection of revealed religion. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Your distinction seems ju- 
 dicious ; but how can an unbeliever have 
 faith in the God of Israel ^ 
 f6 
 
108 
 
 CREATION NO MIRACLE. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Saul believed in Moses and 
 the prophets, and the traditions of the fa- 
 thers ; so far he was a believer in the Jewish 
 religion, and consequently in the promise of 
 a Messiah; but he was too much scandalized 
 (if I may use the term) at the humble ap- 
 pearance of Jesus of Nazareth, to suppose 
 for a moment that he was the person, until 
 it was revealed to him by the Spirit of God ; 
 for " no man calleth Jesus Lord, but by the 
 Holy Ghost." 
 
 Dr. Scott. I suppose, Sir, that by call- 
 ing Jesus Lord, you understand the owning 
 him as such, and submitting to his autho- 
 rity. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Certainly, Sir ; I consider it 
 as a scriptural idiom for believing in him 
 and obeying him. 
 
 Dr. Scott. And you consider this, I 
 should presume, as much a miraculous work 
 of the Holy Spirit as was creation itself. 
 
 Mr. Grey. My dear Sir, it is always with 
 pain that I differ from you, knowing how 
 well acquainted you are with subjects of this 
 nature ; but I do not consider either crea- 
 
Paul's conversion. IO9 
 
 tion or conversion as a work properly mira- 
 culous. 
 
 Dr. Scott. No, Sir ! 
 
 Mr. Grey. By no means. Creation I 
 consider as a formation of the grand machi- 
 nery of nature in a world, or rather a system 
 of worlds ; but a miracle I conceive to be an 
 occasional deviation from the usual course of 
 that machinery, through the interference of 
 
 " The Hand unseen, 
 " Which turns and guides the great machine." 
 
 But the conversion of a sinner has nothing 
 to do with the course of nature, at least as 
 we generally understand that phrase, and 
 therefore can be no deviation from it. 
 
 Dk. Scott. But do you not consider the 
 conversion of Paul as miraculous ? 
 
 Mr. Grey. Only as respects the exter- 
 nal circumstances which attended it — the 
 light and the voice from heaven : but the 
 effects of this work were regular, and in 
 the usual way of the Holy Spirit's operations 
 upon the heart. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Does not the Apostle him- 
 self speak of the work of grace as a new 
 creation and a resurrection ? 
 
110 MIRACLES WHAT. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Yes ; and therefore not mi- 
 raculous. I think I have shewn that crea- 
 tion is not so, and I conceive the same as to 
 the general resurrection. Christ's resurrec- 
 tion was a miracle, because it was out of the 
 usual course of nature ; but that can hardly 
 be said of the resurrection of all mankind ; 
 nor am I sure that this may not be effected 
 by some secret law of nature, and as natu- 
 rally as vegetation is restored by the return 
 of Spring. 
 
 Dr. Scott. But you do not, my dear 
 Sir, mean to say, that the conversion of a 
 sinner is an event which takes place in the 
 regular course of nature. 
 
 Mr. Grey. By no means : I think we 
 confine the term nature, and its laws, to the 
 material universe ; yet I doubt not that 
 the intellectual universe, so to speak, has 
 laws as general and as regular as those of 
 matter. 
 
 Dr. Scott. And you think conversion is 
 the result of those laws ? 
 
 Mr. Grey. I would speak with diffi- 
 dence ; but I believe that the Divine Being 
 exercises mercy and grace according to bis 
 
MORAVIAN MISSIONS. Ill 
 
 own good pleasure; bat the work once begun, 
 I conceive that it proceeds with the same 
 regularity as all the other works of God. 
 The animal, you know, is involved in the 
 embrio — 
 
 Dr. Scott. And as the parts gradually 
 unfold, so in the new man you consider every 
 grace as gradually unfolding, till " the per- 
 fect man in Christ" appears. 
 
 Here the conversation was interrupted by 
 the introduction of a grave and aged couple. 
 Mr. and Mrs. Sweet were announced as just 
 arrived from the Cape, where they had resided 
 several years as Missionaries of the United 
 Brethren, but had returned to England for 
 medical advice for Mrs. Sweet, and to re- 
 cruit a little Mr. S.'s shattered constitution. 
 
 Mr. Grey, as he afterwards mentioned, 
 was highly gratified with the opportunity of 
 making some enquiries respecting the state 
 of foreign parts, and the Moravian missions; 
 accordingly, when tea and coffee were brought 
 in, and it soon was, while the lady of the 
 house engaged the attention of Mrs. S. Mr. 
 Grey and Dr. Scott entered into conversation 
 with the missionary. 
 
112 DR. VANDERKEMP. 
 
 Mr. Grey. How long have you been 
 abroad, Sir ? 
 
 Mr. Sweet. Sir, I have served my dear 
 Lord and Master, with much weakness, for 
 more than thirty years. 
 
 Mr. Grey. In what parts have you 
 chiefly resided ? 
 
 Mr. Sweet. For three years I was in 
 Greenland, but my poor constitution would 
 not bear the severity of that climate. Then 
 I resided seven or eight years on the coast of 
 Labrador. After this I travelled, and visited 
 most of the Brethren's stations in North 
 America; but for the last twelve years I have 
 resided at Gnadenthal, near the Cape. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Ah ! did you ever meet with 
 an old acquaintance of mine there, a Dutch 
 physician of the name of Vanderkemp ? 
 
 Mr. Sweet. Yes, Sir ; twice or thrice 
 I have seen him; but just before I sailed for 
 England, 1 heard that our Saviour had taken 
 bim home. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Is he dead then ? 
 
 Mr. Sweet. He sleeps in Jesus ; and 
 our brethren, who dearly loved him, were as 
 much grieved for the loss as if he bad been 
 
His CHARACTER. 113 
 
 one of our own society ; but when we con- 
 sidered his age and infirmities, and the new 
 scene of trials in which he was about to en- 
 gage, we thanked our dear Saviour, who 
 had taken him to himself, and we sung — 
 " Blessed are the dead which die in the 
 Lord: for they rest from their labours, and 
 their works follow them." 
 
 Dr. Scott. What then ? had the dear 
 Doctor planned new schemes of bene- 
 volence ? 
 
 Mr. Sweet. It was his ambition, like 
 Saint Paul, to be always extending the 
 knowledge of our Saviour into new coun- 
 tries, and to preach the name of Jesus 
 where it had been hitherto unknown. He 
 had, therefore, planned a mission to Mada- 
 gascar, and was upon the point of engaging 
 in it, when our Master said, " It is enough;" 
 and put an end to his labours and his suf- 
 ferings. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Dear man I I knew him in 
 Holland before his conversion ; he was 
 always of an ardent mind, and never thought 
 he had done, while any thing remained yet 
 to do. 
 
114 A MISSIONARY SPIRIT. 
 
 ■ " ■- ■'■ ■ ■ ■ ■■ ' . ; . ' ■ . ... ■■■m ... ..,. . ••: '• ■' i- =±r: 
 
 Mr. Sweet. And when he became a 
 missionary, his energies encreased with 
 the dignity of the cause in which he en- 
 gaged. He sought nothing for himselfj but 
 he sighed for new worlds to conquer for his 
 Redeemer. 
 
 Mr. Grey. A true missionary spirit 
 that ! 
 
 Dr. Scott. But did you hear any par- 
 ticulars of his death ? 
 
 Mr. Sweet. I heard that he died hap- 
 pily ; but that the nature of his disorder^ 
 which I think was paralytic, precluded him 
 from much conversation. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Good man ! he has entered 
 into his rest ; and you, no doubt, are looking 
 toward yours. 
 
 Mr. Sweet. It is our duty to wait our 
 dear Saviour's will: to be always ready when 
 he calls, but not impatient to be gone. As 
 to myself, though my constitution is much 
 impaired, if it please the Lord to appoint 
 me new labours, 1 hope I shall not shrink 
 from them. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Well, Sir, in the course of 
 your travels you have had the opportunity 
 
STATE OF THE HEATHEN, 
 
 115 
 
 of viewing human nature in what our phi- 
 losophers call its unsophisticated state. 
 
 Mr. Sweet. Yes ; and I found it all 
 corruption and impurity. 
 
 Mr. Grey. But did you not find the 
 Heathen strangers to many of the vices of 
 civilized society? 
 
 Mr. Sweet. No, my dear Sir ; I found 
 in them all the same corrupt passions as 
 among ourselves ; and nothing wanting but 
 that sense of shame which frequently pre- 
 vents, or hides them from observation. 
 
 Mr. Grey. How did you proceed with 
 them ? Did you find them ready to embrace 
 the doctrines of Christianity ? 
 
 Mr. Sweet. When our brethren went 
 first to Greenland, they began with the truths 
 of -natural religion, and argued on the being 
 and providence of God. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Which, I suppose, they 
 readily admitted. 
 
 Mr. Sweet. Yes, they could not gainsay 
 it ; but it produced no effect upon their hearts, 
 and very little reformation in their lives. 
 
 Dr. Scott. How did you act then ? 
 
 Mr. Sweet. One of our brethren seeing 
 
116 
 
 PREACHING. 
 
 this, said ^ I will preach the dying love of 
 our Saviour.' He did so/ and the effect was 
 instantaneous, like a shock of electricity. 
 
 Mr. Grey. But I should fear this effect 
 was on their passions only, and would not 
 be abiding. 
 
 Mr. Sweet, In manyinstances, no doubt, 
 that was the case ; but not in all. When 
 they heard that the Lamb of God had died 
 for sinners, and for heathen sinners, some 
 of them said — " I will love the Lord Jesus 
 who died for sinners ;" and when they began 
 to love our Saviour, the love of sin soon 
 left them. 
 
 Mr. Grey. But, I suppose, your chief 
 hopes would rest with the rising generation ; 
 at least, this seems to be the principle of 
 some missionary societies. 
 
 Mr. Sweet. There is certainly less of 
 prejudice to overcome in children, and less 
 of habit to subdue; yet, as respects the 
 gospel, I have found the same natural aver- 
 sion to its peculiar and sanctifying truths ; 
 and though the advantages they enjoy, in the 
 comforts of civilization, may reconcile them 
 to many restraints while young, I have 
 
EDUCATIOK. 117 
 
 sometimes found that, when they grow np, 
 their natural indolence and depravity, with 
 the bad example of their heathen parents, 
 has led them back again to the savage state. 
 
 Mr. Grey. We must not, however, be 
 " weary in well doing ;" and I presume we 
 have examples enough to encourage us in 
 educating the children of the Heathen. 
 
 Mr. Sweet. It is on that account that 
 our brethren pay a particular attention to 
 ^^ the lambs of the flock ;" and though we 
 often fail in our object, we never are dis- 
 couraged from proceeding. If but few are 
 converted, God our Saviour hath taught us 
 that the value of the soul is infinite, and 
 therefore the conversion of one soul will 
 reward much labour ; besides which, many 
 who are not converted to God are restrained 
 from vice, and made useful members of 
 society. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Apropos ! This conversa- 
 tion reminds me that we are to have a meet- 
 ing to-morrow, to form a comprehensive 
 school for the children of the poor. 
 
 Mr. Sweet. At the suggestion of your 
 clergyman, I suppose ? 
 
118 
 
 PUNCTUALITY. 
 
 Dr. Scott. No, indeed : he has talked of 
 such a thing some time, but hesitates about its 
 necessity; and if adopted, wishes it to be 
 confined to the children of his own church. 
 At length some benevolent lay gentlemen 
 have taken up the subject, and wish to form 
 a school on the plan of universal education, 
 and the rector, we hear, is coming to oppose 
 it. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Surely! I should like to 
 know what a clergyman can have to say 
 against the education of children ? I hope 
 you will not suffer him to go unanswered. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Indeed he will not; a 
 shrewd Quaker in this neighbourhood, who 
 supports the object, has promised to reply 
 to the Doctor, and we have no doubt of his 
 ability. Will you and your friend come ? 
 
 Mr. Grey. I should much like it, that 
 I may have a new view of " the insane 
 world." What hour is the meeting r 
 
 Dr. Scott. At eleven, I suppose for 
 twelve, as the fashion is. 
 
 Mr. Grey. A foolish fashion ! but we 
 will be in time, that we may secure com- 
 fortable seats. 
 
MR. STEADIMAN. 119 
 
 Returning to our inn somewhat sooner 
 than ordinary this evening we met with one 
 of the same party as on the first night, Mr. 
 Steadiman, a tradesman from the country, 
 and, I believe, a draper. After some of those 
 trite and familiar enquiries, always usual on 
 meeting, and which are become the marks 
 of civilization and good breeding, we ad- 
 verted to our former topic, which intro- 
 duced the following conversation between 
 Mr. Steadiman and Mr. Grey : 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. Strange and paradox- 
 ical as your assertion appeared to me the 
 other night. Sir, I have been in a scene to- 
 day which strongly reminded me of it, and 
 made me a convert to your opinion, at least, 
 so far as regards the class of persons among 
 whom I have been. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Where have you been. Sir? 
 Mr. Steadiman. To Newgate, Sir. 
 Mr. Grey. That is a scene to which I 
 should not have thought of conducting my 
 friend ; you will therefore oblige us by re- 
 lating the particular circumstances which 
 led you to this change of sentiment. 
 
120 
 
 VISIT TO NEWGATE, 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. I heard that an old 
 neighbour of mine, in the north, had been 
 unfortunate, and was there confined ; and 
 I called to enquire, if I could render him 
 any service. 
 
 Mr. Grey. A motive truly worthy of a 
 Christian ! But were you not much affected 
 by the gloom and melancholy of the scene? 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. At my first entrance 
 I was ; but as I proceeded I was shocked at 
 the noise and ribaldry all around me. Your 
 favourite maxim immediately occurred to 
 me, and I said to myself, surely these peo- 
 ple are mad ! 
 
 Mr. Grey. How did you find them oc- 
 cupied ? 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. The first party I ob- 
 served, were disputing violently upon poli- 
 tics, over a tankard of porter : one extolling 
 Bonaparte as the greatest man upon earth, 
 and the other execrating him as the greatest 
 villain. 
 
 Mr. Grey, And how were the rest en- 
 gaged ? 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. Another party was 
 
CONSOLATION IN GAOL. 121 
 
 playing at drafts, and a third at cards; one 
 of the latter was cursing his stars for his 
 ill luck, and at the same time ahusing one 
 of his companions for a cheat ! 
 
 Mr. Grey. And these men were in pri- 
 son for debt. 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. Chiefly so; but among 
 them 1 perceived strangers, like* myself, 
 who, I suppose, treated their acquaintance, 
 and endeavoured to divert them. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Poor things ! and this is the 
 way they endeavour to administer consola- 
 tion to the afflicted ! 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. Alas ! Sir, few of them 
 :-eemed to me to want consolation. They 
 appeared to be some of the most jovial fel- 
 lows I have seen this long time. 
 
 Mr. Grey. And was your old neighbour 
 amongst them ? 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. No, Sir; I am happy 
 to say I found him much more rationally 
 employed, in hearing one of his children 
 read to him in the Testament, while bis 
 wife was busy with her needle. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Much more rationally em- 
 
 6 
 
132 AN UNFORTUNATE DEBTOR. 
 
 ployed indeed! It is a pity men of that 
 character should be confined. 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. Truly so.~-I always 
 considered him as a worthy industrious man, 
 but not very sharp in looking after his affairs ; 
 and so good natured as to be continually 
 imposed upon. 
 
 Mr. Grey. And that I suppose has sub- 
 jected him to great losses. 
 
 Mr. Seeadiman. Yes, sir ; but he tells 
 me he is now confined on another man's ac- 
 count. He was surety for some person. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Solomon says, " He that is 
 surety for a stranger, shall smart for it;" 
 but this man, I suppose, was surety for his 
 friend. 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. So he thought ; but 
 the man turned out bad. 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. Alas, Sir! there are 
 insane creditors as well as debtors ; and be- 
 cause this man befriended the other, his cre- 
 ditor concludes him to be of the same bad 
 principles. The creditor also appears to be 
 of a vindictive character ; and because the 
 original debtor has contrived (as we some- 
 
A HARD CREDITOR. 12S 
 
 '•'■ ■ l a ■ « I I ■ I -I r ..i I ■ | - 
 
 times say) to slip bis neck out of the halter, 
 he is determined to have his revenge on my 
 unfortunate neighbour, and actually pays 
 sixpence per day to detain him in confine- 
 ment. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Mad, indeed ! — ^But did you 
 not visit the felon side ? 
 
 Mr. Steadim an. Recollecting that a par- 
 ticular friend of mine had a son in London, 
 who had been seduced by bad company to 
 fob his master, I wished to enquire if he was 
 in this prison, and here I found him, to my 
 great surprize, diverting himself and his 
 companions with a licentious song, which 
 he had no sooner ended, than he was ap- 
 plauded with as much noise as in a theatre. 
 
 Mr. Grey. t)id he know you ? 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. No, Sir, nor I him at 
 first, for he is much altered since I saw him 
 in the country ; and I found it hard to be- 
 lieve he could be so merry, when he was to 
 be tried for his life in a few days. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Moral insanity. Sir ! this is 
 the way sinners drive away care— 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. And reason, too. 
 
 G 2 
 
 [ 
 
124 A SHOCKING SCENE. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Was he not much abashed 
 when he found who you were ? 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. Not much. Sir. When 
 I discovered myself, and could not help ex- 
 pressing some surprize to see him so merry 
 in such circumstances, he replied — ^^ We 
 should be mop'd to death. Sir, if it were not 
 for a little diversion of this kind.'* 
 
 Mr, Grey. Did you see any under sen- 
 tence of death ? 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. Yes, Sir; one, who 
 was reading the Beggar's Opera, as I per- 
 ceived ; and another condemned for forgery, 
 "who seemed to live in great style, with a 
 livery servant to attend him. He was sit- 
 ting with two or three gentlemen (apparently 
 so) over two bottles of wine, and seemed 
 very cheerful. But I had no introduction 
 to him, and only glanced at him as 1 passed 
 by. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Nothing is more conclusiv« 
 as to the moral insanity of manki^nd, than 
 the manner in which they usually employ 
 their time. 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. I was struck with the 
 
THE WORKHOUSE. 
 
 iiii 
 
 same idea, when I lately visited a poor man 
 in the sick ward of our parish workhouse. 
 
 Mr. Grey. A scene somewhat similar: 
 and how were they occupied ? ■ 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. In a manner almost 
 as irrational, though not so noisy, nor so 
 merry. 
 
 Mr. Grey. The greater part, I suppose, 
 were in a melancholy condition. 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. Many were. Sir ; but 
 others were gaily chatting upon trifles- 
 some quarrelling and others swearing, either 
 in jest or earnest. But the poor man I vi- 
 sited was jnuch grieved and annoyed by 
 their vain conversation. One dying man, 
 I was told, got a boy to read to him Jose- 
 phus's history of the Jewish wars ; another, 
 who had a Prayer Book, got his nurse to read 
 to him the Athanasian creed. There was a 
 poor blind man in one corner, who was fond 
 (as I was informed) of singing hymns, and 
 a profanli sailor, with one leg, who used to 
 curse him, and set up a naval song generally 
 at the same time. 
 
 Mr. Grey. What a pity they had no 
 
 G3 
 
U6 
 
 A METHODIST TEACHER. 
 
 one to teach them better ; or at leasts that 
 such characters are not separated. 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. Some time since^ I was 
 told there was a pious man^ who used to 
 i?isit and pray by them, and sometimes ex- 
 hort ; but the clergyman of the parish heard 
 of it and forbade it ; because, he said, he 
 was a Methodist, and could not speak gram- 
 mar. 
 
 Mr. Grey. But did not the minister 
 himself come and do the duty ? 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. Yes, for a few weeks ; 
 but he soon grew tired of it. He was, in 
 short, too delicate to bear the smeii of the 
 room. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Did not the poor people re- 
 gret his leaving them ? 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. Not greatly ; for they 
 said they could not understand him. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Did not he speak grammar, 
 then ? 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. O, yes ; they said he 
 was too learned, and shot over their heads. 
 The poor good man whom he sent away, 
 they said, understood their cases and cir- 
 
A CASE NOT UNDERSTOOD. 127 
 
 cumstances, and how to speak a '^ word 
 in season" in their afflictions. But as to 
 this gentleman, neither did they understand 
 his discourses, nor he their complaints. 
 
 Mr. Grey. How so ? 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. When any of them 
 were under distress of mind, through con- 
 victions of sin, he started, and asked them, 
 if they had committed robbery and murder ; 
 and when they assured him that was not the 
 <;ase, he told them they had nothing to fear, 
 except being too religious, which would 
 drive them melancholy. 
 
 Mr. Grey. And thus they were soon 
 weary of each other. But you do not mean 
 to rank this clergyman as a member of our 
 Insane World ? 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. I know nothing more 
 like insanity than thus to trifle with dying 
 men, on the borders of eternity. 
 
 Mr. Grey. It is, indeed, a very lament- 
 able thing, when clergymen undertake the 
 " cure of souls," without knowing the nature 
 of their maladies, or being able to direct 
 them to " the balm of Gilead" — or " the 
 G 4 
 
128 
 
 ORDINATION VOWS. 
 
 good Physician/' who alone can administer 
 it with saving efficacy. 
 
 Mr. Steadiman. It appears to me. Sir, 
 that all the Greek and Latin in the world 
 cannot compensate the lack of knowledge, 
 so peculiarly necessary in the clerical pro- 
 fession. Is not the want of this a great de- 
 fect in our establishment ? 
 
 Mr. Grey. It is, certainly, a great de- 
 fect — I had almost said, a great crime — in 
 ministers to enter upon the clerical duty, 
 •without a solemn regard to their ordination 
 vows. 
 
 Other company falling in, the conversa- 
 tion now dropped, and we soon after re- 
 turned to our rooms till the next morning. 
 
FOURTH DAY. 
 
 We did not fail to be in time the next 
 morning at Dr. Scott's, and he accompanied 
 us to the appointed place of meeting. We 
 were among the first who assembled, and 
 the room rapidly filling, at twelve o'clock, 
 Mr. Martin, a very respectable gentleman 
 in the neighbourhood, was unanimously 
 called to the chair, and briefly explained the 
 object of the meeting. Another gentleman 
 then rose to move, that a school should be 
 formed, for the children of the poor, on the 
 Lancastrian plan, under such regulations as 
 might be approved, by a committee of gen- 
 tlemen to be nominated by the present com- 
 pany. 
 
 This called up Dr. Stiff, the rector of the 
 parish, who was understood to have come in 
 G 5 
 
130 
 
 DR. STIFF S SPEECH. 
 
 Opposition to the object proposed. As my 
 expectations were much excited, I took 
 notes of his speech, and with the assistance 
 of my friend, Mr. Grey, am able to give it, 
 I believe, correctly, and pretty much at 
 large. 
 
 " Mr. Chairman, 
 ^^ Though I have no doubt of the good 
 intention of the gentlemen who have called 
 this meeting, I cannot but say, that I think 
 it wholly unnecessary, and even dangerous 
 to the peace and safety of our established 
 church. Yirst, Sir i it is unnecessary/. Have 
 we not a Charity school for the children of 
 the most deserving poor ? and for the others, 
 have we not a Sunday school, to which al- 
 most all classes of children are admitted, and 
 taught to read, and say their catechism ? And 
 if these are not enough, which I think they 
 are, let us have a National school, and bring 
 up the children, not as Heathens nor as Sec- 
 taries, but as Christians and members of the 
 established church. For my part. Sir, I 
 view these innovations not only as unneces- 
 sary, but as dangerous ; and here I must 
 
THE ALARM. 131 
 
 beg the indulgence of the meeting, while I 
 open to you a discovery, at which I am se- 
 riously alarmed ; and persuade myself I shall 
 be able to convince all the gentlemen *pre- 
 sent, that I am not alarmed without suffi- 
 cient reason. 
 
 ^^ It is not, Mr. Chairman, this society, 
 or this class of societies only, which alarms 
 me : I see societies arising all around us ; 
 and if we admit this, it will not come alone. 
 If we adopt a Lancastrian society, we must 
 have a Bible society — a Bible society will 
 produce a Tract society — a Tract society, a 
 Missionary society. Then all the parent 
 societies produce provincial and auxiliary 
 societies, until at length we shall be filled 
 with institutions, which threaten to impo- 
 verish the country, and undermine the 
 church." 
 
 '^ Hear, hear !" was vociferated from se- 
 veral of the company, while the Doctor went 
 on with his discovery. 
 
 " Mr. Chairman, you, and several of the 
 company present will probably recollect, that 
 a few years since the Ahh6 Baruel and Mr. 
 g6 
 
132 
 
 THE CONSPIRACY. 
 
 Robison disclosed a scene, which filled us all 
 with astonishment and terror. I refer to the 
 conspiracy of the liluminati, on the Conti- 
 nent, and which were making hasty strides 
 to introduce their system here ; but, thank 
 heaven, they were discovered, and by that 
 means defeated. But I have to announce to 
 you. Sir, a new society, or rather a confe- 
 deration of various societies of Illuminati, 
 far more alarming than the former ; in that 
 the scheme is more extensive, and the num- 
 ber and activity of the agents greater. 
 
 " The former Illuminati regarded chiefly 
 the higher orders of society. Princes and 
 statesmen, philosophers and the literati, 
 were the converts at which they aimed ; and 
 if they paid any regard to the mass of man- 
 kind, it was merely to employ them as the 
 tools of their ambition. But these men 
 meddle not with kings, and despise philo- 
 sophers. Their object is the illumination of 
 the people — and not the people" of this 
 countiy, or of Europe only, but of all the 
 nations of the earth ; nor can a theatre les^ 
 than the world suffice for the scene of their 
 ambition. 
 
COMBINATION OF SOCIETIES. 133 
 
 " I have said, this is not a single society, 
 but a combination of societies, which, with- 
 out any avowed connection, are affiliated to 
 assist the operations of each other. One 
 society gives a Bible — but the person who 
 receives it, perad venture, cannot read ; 
 another society^ therefore, opens a school 
 and teaches him. Still, perhaps, he cannot 
 understand what he reads ; a third society, 
 therefore, oiFers him an itinerant teacher, or 
 a missionary, to explain this Bible ; and if 
 this will not do, a fifth society presents him 
 with a bundle of religious tracts. Thus they 
 play into each other's hands, and provide 
 between them, every thing they judge neces- 
 sary to promote their purpose. 
 
 " The activity of the individuals is no 
 less great and unexampled ; and though they 
 may have but few men of wealth or power 
 among them, so much the worse ; the want 
 of these will be made up by numbers in the 
 lower classes, who have not the same ties to 
 the existing state of things, nor the same 
 objections to innovation ; in short, a hete- 
 rogeneous mass of sectaries. Anabaptists, 
 Presbyterians, Methodists, and Quakers. 
 
134 A LEVELLING SYSTEM. 
 
 ^^ But what have we to fear ? will some 
 benevolent and unexperienced persons say, 
 * What have we to fear from the spread of 
 knowledge, and the illumination of man- 
 kind ?' To this, I beg leave to answer, that 
 I am no enemy to prudent, discreet, and 
 limited instruction, even of the lowest class ; 
 but this wild scheme of indiscriminate illu- 
 mination and universal learning, is big with 
 innumerable mischiefs. I shall confine my- 
 self at^ present to one point of view : others 
 will naturally present themselves to reflect- 
 ing persons. 
 
 " This system of universal instruction is 
 then a levelling system, and tends to destroy 
 that spirit of subordination, which is neces- 
 sary to regular governments. It is a favou- 
 rite maxim with these people, that " know- 
 ledge is power" — the diffusion of knowledge 
 is, therefore, the diffusion of power, which, 
 instead of being concentrated in one person, 
 as in a monarchy, is distributed among all, 
 which is the very essence of republicanism. 
 To glance only at particulars, servants will 
 become wiser than their masters — hearers 
 than their pastors ; and instead of going 
 
MOURNING AND LAUGHING. 135 
 
 to their parish church to learn their duties, 
 hushandmen and mechanics will be ready to 
 cavil at every thing Avhich they hear from 
 their authorized teachers, unless they can 
 bring chapter and verse to prove it, which 
 you know is not always possible." 
 
 Considerable murmurings had been ex- 
 cited by some parts of this speech, and 
 threatened an interruption ; but the last 
 sentence excited the risible powers of some 
 persons present, and, I am sorry to say, pro- 
 duced a laugh against the clergyman, while 
 others called loudly on him to give proof of 
 his assertions ; however, on the Chairman 
 requiring order, silence was restored, and 
 the Doctor proceeded with his speech. 
 
 " To shew you, Mr. Chairman, that I 
 am not arguing at random, and that this is 
 but one of the alarming consequences to 
 be dreaded from such associations, I will 
 enter a little into the constitution and de- 
 sign of some of the societies, which I have 
 denounced to you as dangerous and alarm- 
 ing. 
 
 "To begia with the Bible Society— by 
 
136 
 
 BIBLE SOCIETIES. 
 
 this, I do not mean. Sir, that venerable in- 
 stitution, called ' The Society for promoting 
 Christian Knowledge,' in Bartlett's Build- 
 ings, whose zeal, 1 am persuaded, will never 
 outstep the bounds of prudence; but a new 
 one, which has assumed the pompous name 
 of " The British and Foreign Bible Society," 
 one^ of whose secretaries, I am very credibly 
 informed, is a foreign Lutheran, and another 
 a Galvinistic Anabaptist. 
 
 " This society. Sir, proposes to fill the 
 world with Bibles ; and their fundamental 
 principle is, that every individual, or at least 
 every family, should possess one. It will 
 not satisfy them to object, that thousands 
 cannot read — " We will have schools, say 
 they, to teach them." If you urge there are 
 scores of languages into which the Bible has 
 never been translated — they reply, " We will 
 procure translations into every language 
 upon earth." And, in truth, by the progress 
 they have already made, they seem to be 
 in good earnest. But have these zealots 
 calculated the enormous expence of this ex- 
 travagant scheme ? Are they able to pay 
 
AUXILIARY SOCIETIES. 137 
 
 for all these translations ? — to print all these 
 versions ? — and to distribute hundreds of 
 millions of Bibles throughout the woi-ld ? 
 No, Sir ; but they calculate upon the libe- 
 rality of the public ; and they mean to levy 
 contributions on us more severe than those 
 of any legitimate government. And those 
 contributions are levied in such a variety of 
 forms, and by such a multiplicity of means, 
 as to create a just alarm : not only the rich, 
 and those in the middling classes are called 
 upon, but they will not spare the poor 
 man's penny: and even the vails of servants, 
 and the children's gingerbread* are placed in 
 requisition. Now a great part of this money 
 is to be expended in distant and in foreign 
 countries — even among enemies and bar- 
 barians, whom these fanatics have a won- 
 derful fancy for converting. And what I 
 say of the Bible Society is not peculiar to 
 that only, but applies to the Missionary 
 Society, the Tract Society, and many others ; 
 and I do consider it as a matter worthy the 
 serious enquiry of government, whether the 
 
 * Alluding to the Juvenile Societies. 
 
1$8 
 
 ORDER RESTORED. 
 
 scarcity of specie among us be not, in a 
 great measure, owing to the vast sums sent 
 out of the country under these pretences/'* 
 Here was an interruption of hissing and dis- 
 pleasure, too common at public meetings, 
 which the Chairman hastened to terminate 
 as sooji as possible ; and at the same time 
 took the opportunity to inform the reverend 
 gentleman, he considered him to be out of 
 order, as the meeting was not called to form 
 a Bible society, but a school. The divin« 
 proceeded — 
 
 " I am sensible, Sir, that some of my re- 
 marks may be thought irrelevant, but the 
 point I am labouring to establish, is of the 
 utmost importance; it is to shew that the 
 various societies I have named are linked to- 
 gether — that they have one plan, and that 
 plan highly injurious to the country, and 
 especially to the established church. 
 
 *^ Bear with me, Sir, but a few minutes 
 longer, and I will bring home the subject 
 to the present occasion, and to every man's 
 
 * This speech was delivered, it must be remarked, 
 before the Bank began to resume its cash payments. 
 
LAY PREACHINe. IS^ 
 
 bosom. 1 was going to mention another 
 society, nearly a-kin to the British and Fo- 
 reign Bible Society — I mean. Sir, " The 
 Naval and Military Bible Society," whose 
 object is to furnish Bibles to all our sailors 
 and soldiers ; and this, Sir^ may be thought 
 a most unexceptionable design : but it ought 
 to be known, Sir, that this was a favourite 
 scheme with Oliver Cromwell and the fana- 
 tics of the commonwealth. And is not this 
 a most suspicious circumstance ? Every 
 soldier had a Bible, and what was the con- 
 sequence ? Every one thought himself able 
 to understand and expound it — the regular 
 teachers were neglected and despised, and 
 soldiers and mechanics began to preach, and 
 preached down the church. And this. Sir, 
 depend upon it, will be the case again, if 
 these schemes continue to be encouraged. 
 
 " Consider, Sir, the avowed object of these 
 societies, and the close connection there is 
 between them to promote that object. Their 
 object is to teach mankind — and to teach 
 them what ? to read the Scriptures, and the 
 Scriptures only. They do not join the 
 
140 THE PRAYER BOOK. 
 
 Prayer-book with theni> which is the natural 
 guardian of the Bible, and might preserve 
 men from the wild notions of Sectaries. 
 No ; they are to read the Bible, and to in- 
 terpret it for themselves — but they are to 
 read the Bible only ; and herein is supposed 
 to consist the unexceptionable nature of the 
 plan. But this. Sir, is a delusion. You 
 teach the youth to read, and they will read 
 what they please — yon teach them to write, 
 and they will write, perhaps, against church 
 and state. Nor is this all : you teach them 
 to read the Scriptures only, and the Bible 
 Society will give only the Scriptures ; but 
 there is another society, called ^ The Reli- 
 gious Tract Society,' and this will distri- 
 bute among them sectarian tracts. There is 
 an ' Itinerant Society,* that will provide 
 them with lay preachers of their own class : 
 and thus will they become completely weaned 
 from the church, which has borne and 
 nourished them. Nor is the evil confined 
 at home : it will be extended to other estab- 
 lishments, and to other nations. Your 
 Bible Society sends them Bibles only, but 
 
THE CHURCH IN DANGER. I4l 
 
 ■ ■ - ' '■ -f 
 
 yonr Tract Society will furnish them with 
 tracts also, translated into all languages ; 
 and the Missionary Society will send them 
 teachers according to their own heart. And 
 thus. Sir, you see there is a connection and 
 harmony in these designs* 
 
 " Nor is this all — a great part of these 
 societies consist of the same individuals, and 
 must, therefore, have the same design. Two 
 of the secretaries of the Bible Society are 
 secretaries of the Tract Society; one of these^ 
 and several of the members, are directors of 
 the London Missionary Society. The chief 
 supporters of these schools are known also 
 to be members of the other societies — and I 
 now see several members of the Bible Society 
 present to support this school. Thus, Sir, 
 I hope I have demonstrated what I proposed, 
 that these societies have all one grand design, 
 and that that design is inimical to the eccle- 
 siastical establishment, and consequently to 
 the state, which cannot long subsist without 
 the church. In short. Sir, that the various 
 societies which I have named, form a grand 
 conspiracy both against church and state — 
 
142 INSTRUCTION EN RIaSSE. 
 
 nay, against all ecclesiastical establishments 
 — all regular governments." 
 
 Here occurred another interruption, from 
 the injudicious «:eal of some friend of uni- 
 versal education, which was, however, soon 
 suppressed by the prudent interference of 
 the Chairman, and Dr. Stiff once more pro- 
 ceeded : 
 
 "I say, Mr. Chairman, to the state also 
 this scheme is dangerous ; not only by the 
 injury it offers to the church, but even more 
 directly. To teach the body of the people, 
 is as dangerous as to arm them en masse ; 
 you put arms in their hands, and know not 
 how they may employ them. So as to 
 reading, when they are all taught (for you 
 teach old as well as young, — when they 
 are all taught) to read, they may not only 
 read what you give them, but also demo- 
 cratic newspapers, seditious pamphlets, me- 
 thodistical tracts, and other noxious publi- 
 cations. 
 
 " Prudence, therefore, is requisite even 
 in our acts of benevolence. It may be de- 
 sirable to teach the children of the poor^ 
 
SCHOOLS FOR TEACHERS. 143 
 
 = ■•• ■ . :=a» 
 
 but their instmction should be limited. I 
 am glad, therefore, that this work has been 
 taken up by the clergy, and to them it should 
 be confided, as it may, with safety to the 
 state, since they are too deeply interested in 
 the present constitution of things, to encou- 
 rage any plans of innovation. If the Sec- 
 taries are allowed to teach their own chil- 
 dren, it is all that they can reasonably desire ; 
 for if they are permitted to teach ours (I 
 mean the children of the establishment) they 
 will certainly draw them to their conventi- 
 cles, and in the end, make them Sectaries 
 like themselves. And I beg leave to add, 
 there is this peculiar evil in the Lancastrian 
 system — that it forms not only scholars, but 
 teachers, who will multiply themselves, ad 
 infinitum, at least, till they fill all our 
 schools, and undermine the constitution; 
 for children brought up in these schools, 
 will never reverence their legal and estab- 
 lished clergy. 
 
 ^^ Upon the whole, therefore, Mr. Chair- 
 man, I freely confess that I do not see the 
 necessity of a new charity school in this 
 
144 ABRAHAM WORTHY'S REPLY. 
 
 I.. _ ■ ■ ■ - -< 
 
 neighbourhood. But as gentlemen present, 
 I suppose, came with a determination to 
 give away their money, of which they seem 
 to have a superabundance, I would recom- 
 mend, by way of amendment, the formation 
 of a national school, in connection with the 
 national church, which, instead of under- 
 mining, will strengthen the hands of our 
 establishment, both in church and state." • 
 
 Our clergyman had no sooner sat down, 
 than several persons were ready to reply ; 
 but Mr. Abraham Worthy, the Quaker gen- 
 tleman before mentioned, not only caught 
 the eye of the Chairman, but of many of the 
 company, who knowing his talents, and re- 
 specting his character, by universal consent 
 called upon him to proceed, which he did 
 as follows : — 
 
 " In addressing thee, friend Chairman, I 
 must begin with expressing my satisfaction 
 with thy conduct, in procuring a patient 
 hearing for thy minister; because, on an 
 occasion like this, when every man is called 
 upon to lend a helping hand, every man 
 
THE GRAND CONSPIRACY. 145 
 
 should be permitted to give his opinion and 
 advice ; and advice may be, sometimes, more 
 useful than assistance. I am glad, too, that 
 thy respected friend v^^as suffered to proceed, 
 because he has now developed his whole de- 
 sign, and has shewn that he is equally averse 
 to the instruction of men as of children ; 
 and has avowed his attachment to the old 
 prejudice, that knowledge is dangerous, 
 and that it is necessary to keep mankind 
 in ignorance, in order to keep them in sub- 
 ordination. 
 
 " It must be confessed that this principle 
 has high antiquity to boast. The Papists 
 considered ignorance as the Mother of de- 
 votion ; and, therefore, oy)posed the Refor- 
 mation with the same zeal, and I might add, 
 with the same arguments, which are now 
 adopted by our learned friend. 
 
 " He has told us, there is a grand con- 
 spiracy to enlighten mankind ; and I am 
 glad to hear this : for I have read of many 
 conspiracies to keep them in ignorance and 
 in bondage: — but I will endeavour to follow 
 our friend through all his objections, to re- 
 W 
 
146 
 
 OLD AND NEW ILLUMINATI. 
 
 lieve him from his alarms, and to quiet his 
 apprehensions. 
 
 " He begins with the Illuminati on the 
 continent; and though I think that story 
 has been much exaggerated, I admit that it 
 had some foundation. I believe that from 
 the days of Herod and Pontius Pilate to the 
 present day, tyrant princes and infidel phi- 
 losophers have been confederated together 
 against the Lord and against his Christ ; but 
 these are not the only parties in the league- 
 worldly churchmen, deeply interested, as he 
 acknowledges, in the ignorance of mankind, 
 have joined in the conspiracy ; and while 
 they gloried in their own supposed know- 
 ledge, have had little desire for the instruc- 
 tion of others. I must do thy minister 
 the justice to say, that he has distinguished 
 those whom he calls the New Illuminati, in 
 so clear a manner from the former, at set- 
 ting out, that all his subsequent attempts 
 are not able to confound them. Indeed, he 
 has placed them in contrast ; and that very 
 justly. The infidel Illuminati, he tells us, 
 spent all their strength on the higher orders 
 
BBITISH AND FOREIGN BIBLE SOCIETY." 147 
 
 — they cared not for the people ; but these, 
 at whom he is so displeased, extend their 
 endeavours to th« poorest and meanest of 
 mankind. The design of the former was to 
 propagate the atheistical philosophy; the 
 object of the latter, to teach Bible Chris- 
 tianity ; — the former attempted to crush the 
 Saviour of mankind ; the latter, to exalt 
 him above everv name in earth or heaven. 
 This then is the argument of our learned 
 friend — because the principles of Atheism 
 disturb the foundations of social happiness, 
 and introduce anarchy and crime, therefore 
 the diflFiision of the Christian religion, which 
 teaches " every man to do his duty," must 
 have the same effect ! ! 
 
 " But this friend brings forward, not a 
 combination of individuals, but of socie- 
 ties. Let us attend carefully to the descrip- 
 tion he gives of tbem^ and then judge of 
 the evils they are likely to produce. — — 
 1st, The British and Foreign Bible Society, 
 whose sole object it is to circulate the scrip- 
 tures. I confess that I feel a strong prede- 
 liction for this society, and glory in being a 
 member of it. Other societies of a similar 
 
148 THE RELIGIOUS TRACT SOCIETY. 
 
 nature exclude us, by giving books which 
 we cannot cordially approve ; but our peo- 
 ple greatly rejoiced when this institution 
 was founded, because it interfered with none 
 of our principles, or (if you please) preju- 
 dices against human forms. But this friend 
 would not give the Bible without the Prayer 
 Book, lest it should make sectaries and 
 dissenters. Does not this seem to intimate, 
 that his creed is not derived from the Bible, 
 but from the Common Prayer-book ; or, in 
 short, that the Scriptures are not to be un- 
 derstood without the notes and comments 
 of his church ? which is exactly the plea of 
 the Romish Clergy, and would carry us back 
 again to the Pope and the church of Rome. 
 But this is not tlie only society he de- 
 nounces — he adds (2.) 'The Religious Tract 
 Society.' Now, though I am not a member 
 of this institution, I have some knowledge of 
 their publications, and approve, in general, 
 what I have seen of them; but is not our 
 friend's favourite society a Tract society? 
 What, then, are we to understand, that none 
 but the members of his church are qualified 
 
SECTARIANISM. 14^ 
 
 to print and distribute tracts ? — or is it, that 
 the new society publish at so much lower 
 prices, that he is afraid knowledge may be 
 too widely circulated ? This, indeed, he 
 has acknowledged ; he is afraid that hearers 
 may grow wiser than their teachers, which, 
 as to some of them, may not be very diffi- 
 cult ; and that they will no longer be led by 
 tlie dictates of their ministers* 
 
 (3.) " But this friend's grand objection 
 seems to lie against indiscriminate instruc- 
 tion of the poor, and particularly of the 
 children of the Sectaries, as he calls them. 
 It is clear he does not attribute our dissent 
 to ignorance, or he would wish us to be in- 
 structed ; but his fear seems to be, lest chil- 
 dren should be taught the Scriptures without 
 the Prayer Book and Catechism. 
 
 " He is alarmed also at sending mission- 
 aries abroad. Now though we have no con- 
 cern in this work, yet as friends to the civi- 
 lization and instruction of the heathen, we 
 are so far glad to hear of their success : and 
 I know not why thy minister should feel 
 jealousy or alarm ; for there are no tythes 
 h3 
 
150 
 
 SOURCE OP BENEVOiENT rUNfiS, 
 
 nor benefices, either at Otaheite or the 
 Cape, 
 
 " But this friend is fearful that the Sec- 
 taries, by their wild schemes of benevo- 
 lence, wil] impoverish the country. What, 
 then, have they got the keys of the Treasury, 
 or the Exchequer, in their hands ? Can 
 they impose taxes on the nation to support 
 their plans r Ah^ no ! but they can refrain 
 from the theatres and other public amuse- 
 ments — they attend no races — no gaming 
 tables — no convivial meetings ; and those 
 •who knovir what immense sums are wasted 
 on these criminal indulgences, can best cal- 
 culate what good may be effected by indivi- 
 duals of property and fortune, who devote 
 all their savings to this cause, and divert all 
 the surplus of their income into thest chan- 
 nels. 
 
 " To return home to our subject, I justify 
 the importance of instruction to the mass of 
 mankind, particularly in these countries, on 
 three grounds — 
 
 "1. It is necessary to their employments 
 in society. How unpleasant it is to have 
 
VM^DHTANCE op INStftUCTlNG THE POOR. l5l 
 
 * • • ■■■ .- , , : 
 
 even menial servants that can neither write 
 nor read ! How difficult to make them 
 understand their errors ! What perpetual 
 blunders and mistakes they make ! And 
 if, by dint of industry and good behaviour, 
 they rise in life, how painful is it to see a 
 man of property, or of business, who can 
 neither read nor write ! who is obliged to 
 trust to others, to read his letters or his 
 orders — who can sign a lease, or a contract, 
 or a receipt, only with his mark I 
 
 ^^ 2. It is necessary to their fulfilment of 
 the social duties. If we examine the records 
 of crime, how few do we find there who have 
 i-eceived a decent education — can write, or 
 even read r* The Ordinary of Newgate him- 
 self does not scruple to attribute the fre- 
 quency and multiplicity of crimes, to the 
 want of " early instruction in reading," and 
 to " ignorance of religion." 
 
 " But our object is to teach men their 
 duty, and to teach them, not from fine-spun 
 philosophical theories, nor from human for- 
 mularies, but from the Bible — to teach chil- 
 dren their duties to their parents, servants 
 H4 
 
152 IMPORTANCE OF RELIGIOUS KNOWLEDGE. 
 
 to their masters, and all relations and 
 classes of life their mutual duties to each 
 other; and does not experience shew the 
 importance of this ? Are not children who'^ 
 Lave had no education generally the most 
 disohedient, untractable, and disorderly ? 
 And are not others, who are remarked for 
 their obedience and kindness to their pa- 
 rents, generally such as have been brought 
 up " in the nurture and admonition of the 
 Lord?" ^ 
 
 " Lastly, it is necessary, to teach them the 
 means of salvation, and their duty to God 
 their Maker. How wild, how gross, and 
 how superstitious are the notions of unedu- 
 cated people ! Some know not if they have 
 souls, or if there be an hereafter ; some ex- 
 pect to be saved by the weakest superstition ; 
 and others by their own merits, who scarcely 
 ever did a good action in their lives ! 
 
 " And is it of no importance to be taught 
 our duty to our Creator r Will not those 
 •who fear God make the best subjects, the 
 best citizens, and the best servants ? Whereas 
 it is generally seen, that those who " fear 
 
DANGER OF MAKING DISSENTERS. 
 
 153 
 
 not God," neither do they " regard man." 
 f What hold can society have upon an Atheist, 
 or a Sceptic, who believes not in an here- 
 after? Or what regard is due to his oath, 
 who believes not in a future judgment? 
 These are the principles, (those of scepti- 
 cism and infidelity, I mean,) these are the 
 principles which endanger the prosperity, 
 and even the being of a nation, 
 
 " But our clerical friend is in fear lest 
 we should teach the children our sectarian 
 principles, and make them dissenters. Yet 
 we teach them nothing but the Bible, and 
 ttie moral duties drawn therefrom. He is 
 alarmed lest soldiers and sailors should 
 preach republicanism, as in the days of Oli- 
 ver Cromwell. But surely he does not mean 
 to insinuate that the Bible teaches republi- 
 canism ? It was not the Bible, but the op- 
 pression of the house of Stuart, which made 
 our countrymen republicans. 
 
 '' It is very kind of thy minister certainly, 
 
 to allow us to teach our own children. 
 
 There was a time, in the latter end of the 
 
 l^ign of (^ueen Ann, when we, as dissenters, 
 
 H 5 
 
154 DANGER OF SEDITION. 
 
 were threatened to be deprived of this pri- 
 vilege — we therefore enjoy it with gratitude ; 
 but he is afraid of our teaching the children 
 of his church. It is true that we do not 
 refuse any who desire to be taught ; and if 
 we prefer any, it is those who have the most 
 need of teaching— those who are the most 
 ignorant — the most vicious — the most pro- 
 fane. Now if he will have it that these be- 
 long to his church, (and we know they do 
 not belong to us,) let him teach them — we 
 only wish them to be taught, and we will 
 seek farther for our scholars. 
 
 ^^ But there is one point to which I must 
 again advert, because it is a most injurious 
 slander. I know it does not originate with 
 our learned friend, but I think he has 
 adopted it without due consideration ; or, if 
 not, let him produce his proofs. He is 
 afraid that if children are taught to read by 
 lis, they may be taught at the same time se- 
 ditious or sectarian principles. Now, as to 
 our society, I appeal to thee, friend Martin, 
 and to all this company, if we are not the 
 last sect that can be charged^ with the zeal 
 
DANGER OF NATIONAL POVERTY. 155 
 
 of proselytism ; and as to sedition, when 
 was any one of onr friends accused of it? 
 Of other sects I cannot speak so confidently; 
 but I believe that very few of those who 
 engage in religious and benevolent socie- 
 ties, meddle much in political confedera- 
 tions ; indeed, I can appeal to our respected 
 friend himself, whether, if he were in search 
 of seditious publications, he would go to 
 the depositories of these societies, or not 
 rather to those pests of literature and reli- 
 gion, where the blasphemies of Voltaire and 
 Paine are retailed, and circulated among the 
 lower classes of society. 
 
 '^ But thy friend professes to be alarmed 
 at the expence of these institutions, and 
 cannot forbear from sneering at the benevo- 
 lent principles from which they have ema- 
 nated. He seems to be afraid, lest the 
 money of the nation should be spent in en- 
 lightening and reforming mankind, instead 
 of destroying them — in books of instruction, 
 instead of instruments of warfare. But in 
 the close of his speech, he has introduced a 
 proposal, for which, in the present case, I 
 h6 
 
156 
 
 LOYALTY OP DISSENTERS. 
 
 am at a loss to find any honourable motive. 
 Does he wish to divide the company, by 
 proposing an object to which our society 
 (of which there are several members pre- 
 sent,) cannot possibly agree ? If thy mi- 
 nister wished to form a national school for 
 the children of his own church, he might 
 have called a meeting, and we certainly 
 should not have interfered. But he plainly 
 tells us that he thinks it quite unnecessary, 
 and proposes it merely from opposition to 
 our plan of ^^ a school for all." 
 
 " But thy worthy friend insinuates, that 
 our plans are mixed with disaffection to the 
 state, and threaten to overthrow the con- 
 stitution. On this point we are able not 
 only to appeal to facts, but to the highest 
 authorities. The house of Brunswick has 
 always been favourable to dissenters, and 
 especially to our society ; more particu- 
 larly our venerable and afflicted Sovereign, 
 who, so far from being jealous of these be- 
 nevolent designs, was one of the first to 
 patronize them, in which he has been fol- 
 lowed by several of his royal Son^ j and it 
 
DR. STIFP*S RETREAT. 15^ 
 
 is well known that he expressed a pious 
 ■wish, in the fulfilment of which we should 
 all exceedingly rejoice, that he might "live 
 to see the day, in which every poor child in 
 his kingdom might he able to read the 
 Bible." 
 
 I have not interrupted friend Worthy's 
 speech, to notice the approbation which ac- 
 companied almost every sentence; but the 
 last produced a momentary silence : and 
 many tears of loyal sympathy were wiped, 
 hefore the thunder of applause could testify 
 the general coincidence of sentiment, which 
 prevailed. Dr. Stiff j therefore, very pru- 
 dently retired ; leaving a few of his more 
 liberal brethren to assist the lay gentlemen 
 in forming the outlines of the institution, 
 and in choosing a Committee, by whose wis- 
 dom and diligence it might be matured. 
 Several other speeches were made in favour 
 of the object, by different gentlemen, and 
 one by the vicar of an adjoining parish, who 
 was anxious to have it understood, that the 
 established clergy were not all of the same 
 
158 MR. KEEN AGAIN INTRODUCED. 
 
 narrow way of thinking with Dr. Stiff; but 
 however they might prefer the forms of their 
 own establishment, yet thought it their 
 duty to encourage and assist every plan for 
 promoting the instruction of the poor, and 
 improving the condition of the lower orders. 
 The business over, my friend Mr. Grey 
 and myself returned, by appointment, to the 
 house of Dr. Scott, and partook of another 
 family dinner. About an hour after which, 
 Mr. Keen dropped in, as he frequently did, 
 to see the Doctor, whom he esteemed as a 
 friend, and regarded as a patron in his pro- 
 fession, though he differed so widely from 
 him in religion. It may naturally be sup- 
 posed that the morning meeting was re- 
 verted to after dinner, and was actually 
 under discussion when Mr. Keen came in, 
 and was apparently surprised to find us 
 there again so soon. The Doctor, however, 
 informed him of the circumstance that 
 now brought us there, adding that we had 
 heard a long speech from a clergyman, who 
 opposed the children of the poor being ge- 
 nerally taught to read the Bible. 
 
mS OWNION ON READING THE BIBLE. Idfll 
 
 " A Clergyman oppose children being 
 taught to read the Bible!" said Mr. K. 
 " why surely the man is mad ! Is it not his 
 business to read the Bible, and to teach 
 others to do the same ?" I could not help 
 smiling, that Mr. K. should at once rank 
 Dr. Stiff among the patients of " the insane 
 world ;" and frankly told our young anato- 
 mist, I was surprised to find him an ad- 
 vocate for reading the Bible. " You mis- 
 take me. Sir," said he, " I am no friend to 
 reading the Bible ; because, to speak ho- 
 nestly, I do not believe it ; but I have na 
 patience with men hired, and so well paid 
 too, to teach and defend Christianity, who 
 betray the cause and desert their duty : and 
 depend upon it," said he, " with consider- 
 able warmth, they are worse infidels at heart 
 than I am ; for, did I believe it, I would de- 
 fend it like a man — as pertinaciously as my 
 old friend Dr. Scott here." 
 
 Dr. Scott. But, Mr. Keen, you have 
 taken up the matter rather hastily : the gen- 
 tleman said nothing against the Bible ; he 
 was only afraid learning should become toa 
 
l6o 
 
 QUAKERS AND METHODISTS COMPARED. 
 
 cheap, or knowledge too general ; and that 
 we should become "righteous overmuch." 
 
 Mr. Keen. Yes, Sir ; I know the V esprit 
 de corps; they are afraid w^e laymen should 
 be too deep for them, and find out their 
 hypocrisy I 
 
 Mk. Grey. But, Mr. Keen, you are too 
 vehement ; this is not language for gentle- 
 men of one profession to use toward another* 
 
 Mr. Keen. I beg your pardon, Sir ; but I 
 know the principles of these men ; they are 
 afraid the world should grow wise enough 
 to do without them, and then they would 
 lose their livings. 
 
 Dr. Scott. You should have heard. Sir, 
 how coolly and judiciously our friend Wor- 
 thy took up the subject, and answered the 
 clergyman without the least violence or 
 passion. ' - ■'-' i^-^'-j'-^^^t:, 
 
 Mr. Keen. I dare say; for I know the 
 Quakers are both long-headed and cool- 
 headed ; but if I were a Christian, I think 
 I should be a Methodist rather than a Qua- 
 ker; for whatever opinion I adopt, I always 
 defend it with all my might ; and I was 
 
FAITH IN A FUTURE STATE. 
 
 i6l 
 
 sorry business called me away yesterday, in 
 the middle of our argument ; and no doubt 
 you carried it all your own way when I was 
 gone. ^ 
 
 Dr. Scott. Certainly, Sir ; we did not 
 oppose each other for opposition sake, like 
 boys at a college exercise. 
 
 Mr. Grey. But permit me, Sir, to say, 
 I cannot reconcile your sentiments yester- 
 day with those you have just now avowed : 
 then you said, ' Religion drives people mad ;' 
 now you say, if you were a convert to Chris- 
 tianity, you also would be a Methodist — 
 What, Sir, would you be one of these mad 
 people ? 
 
 Mr. Keen. Indeed, I think I should ; 
 your doctrine of a future state and an eter- 
 nal hell, did I believe it, would certainly 
 drive me out of my senses. 
 
 Dr. Scott. I should rather hope. Sir, it 
 might drive you out of your sins. 
 
 Mr. Grey. I fear not, Sir ; I think your 
 friend has hit the mark by a random shot. 
 Whenever a man is convinced of the conse- 
 quences of vice, without being cured of the 
 
i6^ 
 
 MR. KEI^N CATECHISED* 
 
 love of it, there is great danger of his sinking 
 into despair : on the oiie hand he feels too 
 strong an attachment to his sins to give 
 them up ; on the other, he looks into the in- 
 fernal gulf, and cries, * There is no remedy} 
 I must be lost.' So Ephraim said, * I have 
 loved idols, and after idols will I go*' 
 
 Mr. Keen. What do you mean, gen- 
 tlemen ? are you going to arraign me at the 
 bar of heaven ? Or are you, in good earnest, 
 trying to drive me mad ? 
 
 Mr. Grey. Sir, we neither mean to im- 
 peach your understanding, nor your morals j 
 but as you avow yourself a disbeliever ia 
 Christianity, and yet acknowledge that if 
 you did believe it, you would give yourself 
 up to its influence, and be a Christian in 
 good earnest — will you allow us to ask 
 you a few questions on this subject ? 
 
 Mr. Keen. Certainly, gentlemen ; I am 
 your humble Catechumen, and will an- 
 swer you to the best of my abilities. 
 
 Dr. Scott. We assume nothing; and 
 only wish to converse with you in a friendly 
 manner, as we might do, if we saw you 
 
tERttonS OP CONSCIENCE, 
 
 1($3 
 
 about to take any step ruinous to your health 
 or circumstances. 
 
 Mr. KEEN.-^(to Dr. Scott.) Sir, I can- 
 not doubt your kindness, and shall not ques- 
 tion that of your friend, Mr. Grey. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Then^ Sir, permit me to 
 ask. Do you not sometimes hesitate upon 
 the truth of Revelation ? Does not con- 
 science sometimes make you tremble with 
 the question -*- What, if after all, there 
 should be a future state, and an eternal 
 world ? 
 
 Mr. Keen. Sir, I am as weak as other 
 men ; and when in a melancholy mood, old 
 prejudices will haunt me, and superstition 
 sometimes rises before me in all her forms 
 of horror ! But I run away from the old hagy 
 and fly to business, or to company, or to 
 the theatre. 
 
 Mr. Grey. But are you quite certain 
 that there is no foundation for these fears 
 and surmises ? Have you demonstrated 
 that there is no hereafter 5 
 
 Mr. Keen. Demonstrated, Sir ! no wise 
 man will attempt to demonstrate a mere ne* 
 
164 
 
 INFIDEL FORTITUDE* 
 
 gatlve. I ground my opinions on the es- 
 tablished principles of reason and philoso- 
 phy ; but your notion of immaterial spirit is 
 a chimsera, which has no more foundation 
 ill nature, or in fact, than the ghosts of 
 our grandmothers* 
 
 ij. Mr. Grey. But though you believe 
 not in ghosts, it seems you believe in 
 witches ; and, when conscience seizes, you 
 fly to the world for refuge — but this will 
 not be always possible. 
 
 Mr. Keen. I understand you. Sir 5 I 
 suppose I must die ; but I hope to die with 
 fortitude. I shall parry the enemy as long 
 as I can, you may depend upon it; but 
 when Charon's boat arrives, and I must go, 
 I hope to have courage to leap into it like a 
 man. It is but a leap in the dark, you 
 know. 
 
 Dk. Scott. A dreadful leap, indeed. Sir 
 — into an eternal world! 
 
 Mr. Keen. Here you beg the question. 
 Doctor ; you must prove to me the existence 
 of an eternal world ; for my part, I have no 
 ideas but what I derive from my senses ; and 
 
PROPERTIES OF MATTER. 
 
 1G5 
 
 these inform me of no world but that which 
 I see and feel around me. 
 
 Mr. Grey. This, Sir, I presume, you 
 call the material world; but what are the 
 properties of matter ? 
 
 Mr. Keen. The properties of matter, 
 you know, are extension and solidity, form 
 and colour. 
 
 Mr. Grey. And consciousness, or the 
 power of thinking ? 
 
 Mr. Keen. That, Sir, I do not consider 
 as an essential quality of matter ; but rather 
 as the result of a certain organization of it. 
 
 Mr. Grey. I am not unacquainted with 
 the powers of mechanism, and I can trace 
 their effects ; but to adopt your mode of 
 reasoning in this case, I have no idea how 
 matter and motion can produce ratiocina- 
 tion. Did you ever see a reasoning ma- 
 chine ? 
 
 Mr. Keen. Yes, Sir; every animal is 
 such, and particularly man. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Sir, you are smart upon me. 
 I know that the human frame is a machine, 
 ^nd that the mind reasons ; but I cannot 
 
166 
 
 A THINKING MACHINE. 
 
 conceive. Sir, how reason can arise from 
 machinery ; can you explain this ? 
 
 Mr. Keen. No, Sir, it is a mystery ; 
 and I must take refuge, as you do, in hu- 
 man ignorance. 
 
 Mr. Grey. So, then, there are mysteries 
 in infidelity ! and you are obliged to believe 
 more than your senses can demonstrate ! 
 
 Dr. Scott. But we cannot allow you, 
 Mr. Keen, to fly to a refuge you will not 
 allow to us. You will believe nothing but 
 what your senses teach ; do they teach you 
 that thought is produced by machinery r 
 
 Mr. Keen, I find nothing in man but 
 what is material ; I therefore refer to mat- 
 ter, whatever effects I see. 
 
 Mr. Grey. I find in man what is utterly 
 foreign to the nature and properties of mat- 
 ter, and therefore conclude he must have a 
 soul ; and I think my inference is as sound 
 as your*s ; for as you infer the existence of 
 matter from its essential properties of soli- 
 dity and extension ; so do I the existence of 
 spirit, from its essential properties of con- 
 sciousness and reason. 
 
THE SOUL OF THE WORLD. l6f 
 
 Mr. Keen. But what should hmder, but 
 that the great Creator may have added to 
 matter the properties of thought or reason- 
 ingj as well as colour and form ? 
 
 Mr. Grey. Why then, Sir, I should ex- 
 pect that all matter would have the power 
 of reasoning, as well as the accidents of form 
 and colour. 
 
 Dr. Scott. O! Sir, I am glad to hear 
 you talk of the Creator ; I was afraid you 
 had renounced him. 
 
 Mr. Keen. By no means, Sir ; I consi- 
 der the universe as an immense machine, 
 and the Supreme Being as animating it ; of 
 whom the poet says, 
 
 " Whose body nature is, and God the soul." 
 
 Dr. Scott. This, Sir, this was ^^ a pro- 
 phet of your own,'* as the apostle says ; but 
 I congratulate you on being come back again 
 into the world o? souls. 
 
 Mr. Grey. But, pray, Sir, do you con- 
 sider this great Being, whom you call " the 
 Soul of the world," as spiritual or material ? 
 
 Mr. Keen. Truly, Sir; your questions 
 are embarrassing, and I don't like to speak 
 
l68 MISERIES OP SCEPTICISM. 
 
 too confidently on these snbjects. I think 
 it most wise to keep my mind in a state of 
 equilibrium — ready to turn either way, ac- 
 cording to the weight of evidence, when I 
 can find any. 
 
 Mr. Grey. I perceive. Sir, you feel the 
 difficulty of an answer, that shall not refute 
 your own theory ; for the shocking position 
 of the materiality of Deity confounds him 
 with the universe you are pleased to say he 
 animates ; and if you admit one infinite and 
 eternal spirit, I know not how you can be 
 certain there are no created spirits. 
 
 Dr. Scott. For my part, I rest in the 
 revelation of himself, which the great Crea- 
 tor has mercifully given me. 
 
 Mr. Keen. O ! Sir, if you come to Re- 
 velation, 1 have done with you ; I have long 
 made up my mind to reject that. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Unhappy man ! to reject the 
 only source of human comfort ! And even of 
 your own notions, and of the first principles 
 of natural religion, you are still in doubt. 
 How miserable is infidelity! 
 
 ]Mr. Keen. Not so miserable neither, 
 
THE COMPARISON. 1 69 
 
 for you must take it into the account that, 
 if we have none of your consolations, we 
 have none of your terrors ; and you must 
 allow it is no small thing to get rid of the 
 terrors of hell and damnation ; besides, we 
 have none of the trouble of " working out 
 our salvation" with prayer and fasting, as 
 you do. 
 
 Dr. Scott. My dear friend, were the 
 denial of hell an escape from it, I might 
 congratulate you ; but, alas ! Sir, it is the 
 way to plunge into it. And as for the trou- 
 ble you speak of, the services of religion 
 constitute the chief pleasure of our lives. 
 
 Mr. Grey. I should have no objection. 
 Sir, to rest our cause on its comparative ad- 
 vantages, particularly in times of trial, in 
 sickness, and in death. You, Sir, have seen 
 many Christians in the approach of death. 
 
 Mr. Keen. I have. Sir; and to speak 
 the truth, I have sometimes been ready to 
 envy them ; yet I have considered them as 
 under a delusion. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Then, Sir, it is a sweet de- 
 lusion ; and permit me to say, it is attended 
 I 
 
170 A LEAP. IN THE DARK. 
 
 with no danger; for what can we lose by 
 our religion, even if it should be a delusion ? 
 
 Mr. Keen. All the pleasures of human 
 life, Sir. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Oh, no. Sir! we deny this ; 
 many of us have tasted of your pleasures, 
 and can assure you, we feel no regret in 
 exchanging them for what you consider as 
 the painful services of religion : to say no- 
 thing of its pleasures and consolations. 
 
 Mr. Grey. But suppose, Mr. Keen, 
 that you should be mistaken ; and that when 
 you take your ^ leap in the dark,' you should 
 leap into the bottomless pit ! 
 
 Mr. Keen. Prythee, Gentlemen, do not 
 torment me before the time ! I am too much 
 attached to the present world to think of 
 leaving it. 
 
 Dr. Scott. But, my dear Sir, you know 
 you have no lease of life ; and is it not the 
 part of a wise man to prepare for the worst? 
 And how happy would it be when you come 
 to die, to have a good hope, through grace, 
 of entering into eternal life ! 
 
 Mr. Keen. Well, Sir! but I cannot 
 
THE SECRET OP INFIDELITY. 171 
 
 give myself grace, you know, upon your 
 own principles ; so we may as well change 
 the subject. Apropos ! here come the tea- 
 things — and we shall have the ladies now 
 to talk with. 
 
 Mr. Grey. My dear Sir, you confirm 
 my opinion, that a sceptic cannot bear to 
 think on these subjects. 
 
 Mr. Keen. Why, truly Sir, they are 
 not very pleasant subjects for speculation, 
 and therefore I wish to drop them. 
 
 Dr. Scott. But tell me honestly, my 
 friend, is there not something in religion 
 which disgusts and offends yon ? 
 
 Mr. Keen. As to that. Doctor, you 
 know I cannot like a religion that I do not 
 believe ; beside, I can never fancy the Deity 
 so precise and strict as you Presbyterians 
 represent him. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Ah ! Sir, now you have be- 
 trayed the secret! The gospel is too holy 
 a system for you ; it will not indulge your 
 passions ; it will not tolerate your favourite 
 vices ; you cannot love a system of perfect 
 purity. The fault therefore, permit me to 
 I 3 
 
172 NOW IS THE TIME. 
 
 say, lies not in the gospel, but in your own 
 heart. 
 
 Mr. Keen. Well, be it so ! when I get 
 old, perhaps I may think as gravely on these 
 subjects as yourselves. Here come the ladies. 
 
 Dr. Scott. One word in your ear, my 
 friend : remember, " Now is the accepted 
 time ! — this is the day of salvation !" 
 \_The ladies enter ^ 
 
 Mr. Keen. Ladies, your most obedient ! 
 
 It is not the object of this work to relate 
 the mere chit-chat of a tea-table ; here 
 therefore we draw the veil ; remarking only, 
 that though Mr, Keen took no notice for 
 the present of Dr. Scott's friendly hint, it 
 was not forgotten ; and though he affected 
 a more than ordinary cheerfulness in cou- 
 Tersation, it was evidently affected ; and in 
 the midst of his sallies of wit and gaiety, it 
 seemed that some thought crossed his mind, 
 that very much discomposed it. It was 
 from the same uneasiness of mind that he 
 was prompted to engage the Doctor's two 
 nieces, who came on a visit, to unite with 
 him to ask for cards. 
 
CARDS CALLED FOR. 173 
 
 Dr. Scott. Cards ! Mr. Keen ; surely 
 you never saw any article of the kind in my 
 house ; we never use them. 
 
 Mr. Keen. But I know your readiness 
 to oblige the ladies ; and you surely would 
 not lecture them on morals and religion for 
 their amusement. 
 
 Dr. Scott. I am sorry any amusement 
 should be wanting, when there is a man 
 present of your taste and information. 
 
 Mr. Keen. But to confess the truth, I 
 am rather out of tune, and I think a game 
 at whist would bring me round again. 
 
 Dr. Scott. You consider cards as a 
 cure then, I suppose, for serious reflection ; 
 and that is the chief objection which I have 
 against them. 
 
 Miss Scott. But I hope. Sir, there is 
 no harm in an innocent game of cards. 
 
 Dr. Scott. O! no, my dear, certainly 
 not; but is there no harm in murder ? 
 
 Miss Scott. Murder, Sir ! I do not un- 
 derstand what you mean ! What has a 
 game of cards to do with murder ? Do you 
 suppose we are going to quarrel and fight ? 
 i3 
 
174 ^ NO GAMBLING. 
 
 Dr. Scott. No, my dear ; but I con- 
 sider such amnsements as murdering Time, 
 one of our best friends ; and as encouraging 
 a sort of conversation that generally ends 
 either in quarrelling between the parties 
 present, or in slandering others. 
 
 Miss Sally Scott. You have a very 
 bad opinion of us. Sir, to think that we 
 can't amuse ourselves a little without such 
 excesses ; I hope we are not quarrelsome, 
 nor slanderous I 
 
 Dr. Scott. Not at all, my dear; but 
 I wish to keep my family out of temptation, 
 and therefore admit of no gambling. 
 
 Miss Scott. Bless me, Sir! I hope you 
 don't take us for gamblers ; we only want a 
 little relaxation. 
 
 Dr. Scott. My dear girls, I acknow- 
 ledge your amiable dispositions ; and as to 
 my friend Keen, he is as good a tempered 
 lad as any I know ; and from his close ap- 
 plication to study and business, must often 
 want relaxation. 
 
 * Mr. Keen. Thank you. Sir; but then 
 why debar me the pleasure of a little inno* 
 cent diversion with the ladies ? 
 
GAMES OP CHANCE AND SKILL. Ij^ 
 
 Dr. Scott. My dear fellow, I have no 
 cards, nor have I ever allowed any in my 
 house ; because, in the first place, I cannot 
 encourage the waste of time ; secondly, I 
 am a bitter enemy to every thing which has 
 the appearance of gambling ; and finally, 
 I hate the heathenish notions of luck and 
 chance. * 
 
 Mr. Keen. But, Sir, are there not 
 many games which exercise the ingenuity, 
 and indeed all the faculties ? 
 
 Dr. Scott. Certainly : and this, as re- 
 spects you, is perhaps the strongest of all 
 objections. You want something, not to 
 stretch, but to relax your mental powers. 
 
 Mr. Keen. But to unbend, is it not 
 the best method, to bend the contrary 
 way ? 
 
 Dr. Scott. On that principle, a change 
 of study is all that is required ; which I 
 have been told to some men is quite suffi- 
 cient ; and a game of algebra may do as 
 well as a game at cards : — I have Sir Isaac 
 Newton's Principia at hand. 
 
 Mr. Keen. You are very good. Sir ; 
 I 4 
 
176 
 
 INNOCENT AMUSEMENTS. 
 
 but my mind is not strong enough to be 
 amused with the higher mathematics, though 
 it might be, and often has been, by a game 
 of cards. But pray. Sir, as you avow your- 
 self a friend to relaxation, what amuse- 
 ments would you recommend ? 
 
 Dr. Scott. Many : such particularly as 
 improve the mind while they relax the at- 
 tention. Within doors, music, drawing, 
 reading, and conversation ; without doors, 
 riding and walking, both which may be 
 mingled with conversation and reading ; 
 and the latter with botanizing, and other 
 branches of natural history. 
 
 Mr. Keen. But what would you re- 
 commend now ? 
 
 Dr. Scott. Take your choice. — With 
 such talents as yours, and with ladies in 
 company, a variety of topics must present 
 themselves, which are amusing without 
 being frivolous. Or, if you are not in tune 
 for conversation, there is a fine old organ, 
 by Father Smith, in the next room, and 
 my nieces can both play. 
 
 Miss Scott. Not the church service. 
 
OLD FASHIONED MUSIC. l77 
 
 uncle, and your organ, won't do for modern 
 music. 
 
 Dr. Scott. That is not the fault of my 
 organ, but of your music ; however there is 
 also a harpsicord by Schroeter, which used 
 formerly to be much admired, though it is 
 now, like most good things, out of fashion. 
 
 Miss Sally. A harpsicord ! well! that 
 to be sure is a curiosity ; and it is a good 
 while since I touched one. Let us try it, 
 Mr. Keen. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Aye ! do so my girls, and 
 you will find plenty of good old music, by 
 Handel, Scarlatti, and Bach. 
 
 Mr. Keen. Well, ladies, then we will 
 leave the old folks to philosophize, and 
 treat ourselves with the amusements of the 
 last century. 
 
 The young people having separated, the 
 conversation was renewed by Mrs. Scott, 
 the Doctor's lady. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. I did not like, my dear, to 
 interfere before the young people, but I 
 confess I think you are rather too severe 
 against cards. I remember I used to like a 
 game at whist or loo when I was a girl ; 
 Id 
 
178 INNOCENT RELAXATION. 
 
 and it has often relieved me from the head* 
 ache or the vapours. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Perhaps a pinch of medici- 
 nal snuif might have done as well ; if cards 
 however were only taken medicinally, I 
 should have little fear of their being used to 
 excess, for people are not generally fond of 
 taking medicine: and if they were pre- 
 scribed by a physician, it might, perhaps, 
 completely cure the evil ; for people would 
 think it very hard to sit under the doctor's 
 regimen for hours together. However, I 
 certainly think that sufficient relaxation 
 may be found in many things which tend to 
 improvement rather than dissipation. 
 
 Mr. Grey. That I take to be the true 
 test of rational amusement : it must relax the 
 mind without dissipating it. Now to relax 
 the mind, it is not always necessary that it 
 be unemployed ; a change of subject is often 
 a great relief to studious men ; but oar re- 
 laxations should not require intense medi- 
 tations, nor should they be of that loose and 
 frivolous nature as to exclude thought. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Certainly not : for even the 
 amusements of children require thought. 
 
ROYAL GAME OF CHESS. 179 
 
 ;■•■'- ' ' ' ■ ' — - 
 
 and may be often directed into a useful 
 train of thinking ; but I really do not know 
 what useful reflections the card table en- 
 courages. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. As much, I should sup- 
 pose, as drafts, or even the royal game of 
 chess, in which you lords of the creation 
 so much delight. 
 
 Dr. Scott. I believe, my dear, you have 
 not seen me play a game of chess these 
 twenty years ; though, to be sure, it has 
 been a favourite amusement among men 
 eminent for sense and talent. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. Yes : and among saints 
 and martyrs too ; for I remember reading 
 of it in John Fox's Martyrology. 
 
 Mr, Grey. True, Madam ; and I be- 
 lieve the reason of its enjoying so distin- 
 guished honour is, that it was considered 
 rather as an exercise of skill than a game 
 of chance. '^* 
 
 Dr. Scott. No doubt. Sir ; and our 
 
 ancestors probably took more pleasure in 
 
 the exercise of deep reflection and abstract 
 
 thought, than in those light and trifling 
 
 i6 
 
150 OLD AND NEW TIMES. 
 
 amusements which characterize the present 
 age. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. Bat I think, my dear, by 
 what I have read of the ancient pastimes^ 
 that there were as many fools and triflers 
 then as there are at present ; and there was 
 something in their sports and pageantries 
 even more ridiculous, and especially more 
 cruel, than in the present age. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Madam, human nature is 
 the same in every age ; and a trifling spirit 
 will always find trifling amusements : in 
 respect of humanity, however^ I think the 
 age is certainly improved ; but in some 
 other points of morals I fear it is rather 
 worse ; and particularly in excessive gam- 
 bling. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. With regard to that. Sir, 
 you know ladies are seldom chargeable with 
 that crime to any considerable extents 
 Their winnings and losings are generally 
 confined within their pin-money ; and be- 
 sides that, are very often devoted to charit- 
 able purposes. 
 
 Mr. Grey. I know, Madam, the popu- 
 
TEA TABLE AND CARD TABLE. 181 
 
 lar interpretation of that text, that " Charity 
 covers a multitude of sins," and I believe 
 the ladies often screen themselves under 
 that cloak : I fear, however, that card play- 
 ing is not very charitable as respects its 
 influence on characters. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. I understand you. Sir ; 
 but I think you are wrong on that point 
 at least. Characters, no doubt, often suffer 
 at the card-table, but not more than at the 
 tea-table ; indeed when frivolous tattling 
 women meet together, I believe, if their 
 attention were not taken up by their cards, 
 there would be a great deal more scandal 
 circulated than there is. 
 
 Mr. Grey. O Madam, I fear your sex 
 will accuse you of slander, and prefer an 
 indictment against you for libel. 
 
 Dr. Scott. At least, my dear, I think 
 they will not chuse you for an advocate. 
 Do you mean to insinuate, that they cannot 
 sit an hour without backbiting ? ..A^li' 
 
 Mrs. Scott. My dear, I don't mean to 
 degrade my sex below their true character, 
 nor to exalt yours. Perhaps yours fill up 
 
182 THE ACCOUNT BALANCED. 
 
 the time with ribaldry and profaneness, that 
 ours too often occupy in idle chit-chat ; and 
 if you think that a compliment to your 
 wise and learned sex, you are welcome to it. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Indeed, Madam, I did not 
 know you were such a satirist : I must be 
 more upon ray guard. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. I can distinguish worth 
 and excellence in either sex, Sir, and am 
 not blind to the failings of my own. I 
 believe we have an equal share in the con- 
 sequences of the fall, though they may 
 shew themselves somewhat differently, ac- 
 cording to our circumstances or disposi- 
 tions. 
 
 Mr. Grey. No doubt. Madam ; but I 
 think we are all agreed, that cards are not 
 a Christian amusement. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. Sir, I never heard of the 
 amusements of Christianity. I think that 
 any amusement can only be defended from 
 the weakness of our nature. Had we 
 wings like angels we might always soar ; 
 but we are like young birds that can fly 
 but a little way at a time, and often drop 
 upon the eai^h to rest. 
 
LASSITUDE REGRETTED. 183 
 
 Mr. Grey. I believe. Madam, we had 
 better drop the point than contend with 
 you. I think the Doctor may safely allow 
 you a pack of cards. 
 
 Mrs. Scott. Indeed, Sir, I should rather 
 burn them than use them. I am only 
 pleading for young people, whose minds 
 may not be furnished for a continued con- 
 versation. 
 
 Dr. Scott. But then, my dear, do you 
 not see that you thus prevent their minds 
 from being furnished, by indulging their 
 taste for frivolous amusement ? 
 
 Mrs. Scott. Well, my dear, I am wil- 
 ling to give up the point. 1 wish they 
 might always be usefully and profitably em- 
 ployed ; but I think it too much to be ex- 
 pected at their age : indeed, I find my own 
 mind at times so jlag that I am scarcely 
 able to engage in any serious occupation, 
 and it is often a matter of no small regret. 
 
 Mr. Grey. I believe, Madam, we all 
 feel the same at times ; but it is our mercy 
 we have to do with one who '^ remembers 
 we are but dust ;" and who does not ex- 
 pect *^ to reap where he has noJ?sown." 
 
184 WAY TO PERFECTION. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Perfection is not attainable 
 in the present life, and it is useless to ex- 
 pect it. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Yet it is our duty to aim at 
 it. We are commanded to be ^^ perfect, 
 as our Father which is in heaven is per- 
 fect :" and it is only by aiming at perfection 
 that we attain to excellence. 
 
 I think it unnecessary to pursue the con- 
 versation any farther. The young people 
 soon after returned from their music — the 
 party was broken up, and Mr. Grey and 
 myself returned to our quarters^ well plea- 
 sed with the entertainment we had received, 
 and particularly with the conversation of 
 Dr. Scott and his pious lady. 
 
 As to Mr. Keen, when he went home, 
 he did not immediately retire to bed, but 
 for some time walked backwards and for- 
 wards in his room, with evident agitation ; 
 and his servants, who noticed the circum- 
 stance with some concern, overheard him 
 repeatedly utter the words, " Now is the 
 time/' and.^" this is the day," in a sort of 
 
EVENING REFLECTIONS. 185 
 
 soliloquy which they could by no means 
 understand. 
 
 As to myself, on my return, I employed 
 my time, in minuting, as usual, the adven- 
 tures of the day ; and as I had already en- 
 rolled Mr. Keen among the members of the 
 Insane World, when I heard this I consi- 
 dered it as a symptom of returning reason. 
 
FIFTH DAY. 
 
 I SHOULD have remarked, that on the pre- 
 ceding day, an appointment was made be- 
 tween the several parties to visit the Bri- 
 tish Museum ; and I cheerfully engaged to 
 accompany them, as I had a great desire to 
 visit this grand depository of national cu- 
 riosities ; not with a view of enlarging my 
 knowledge of the Insane World, for I was 
 already satisfied ; but in the expectation of 
 much instruction and rational amusement. 
 
 We were among the first company, and 
 I could not help expressing some surprize, 
 that an exhibition so rational, so scientific, 
 and sofree, was not more crowded. 
 
 You have hit upon the true cause, said 
 Mr. Grey ; it is not strange that the Insane 
 World should set light by rational amuse- 
 
EGYPTIAN MUMMIES. 187 
 
 ment; and the very circumstance of its 
 he'wg Jree, is a grand objection with fa- 
 shionable people, who, though they are not 
 particular in paying for the necessaries of 
 life, always estimate their pleasures by their 
 cost. We are likewise too early for good 
 company, who never rise till noon, and 
 scarcely breakfast and dress time enough 
 to come, before the exhibition closes. Be- 
 side, the works of nature and the mechanic 
 arts are too vulgar for them, unless they 
 travel a thousand miles to view them. 
 
 The first room we entered, contained a 
 number of Egyptian relics, among which 
 Mr. Grey pointed out a variety of patterns 
 of mummies, which used probably to be 
 shewn to the relations of the deceased, (like 
 a tailor's pattern-book,) that they might 
 choose, according to their taste or circum- 
 stances, a pattern which should give a form 
 of elegance, and a shadow of immortality 
 to their remains. " How do you account 
 (said I) for this passion for immortality ?'* 
 " No man (replied Mr. Grey) can think, 
 with pleasure, on the extinction of his 
 
188 PORTRAIT PAINTING. 
 
 ' ' II I « . , ■ . ,, , ... , II ... .wmttm' 
 
 being : even those who do not believe in a 
 future state, cannot bear the reflection on 
 their own principles. Death is, in all cases, 
 awful, and will often make even a Christian 
 tremble: but to be annihilated, strikes the 
 mind with horror ; so much so, that it has 
 even been contended^ that it were better to 
 live in misery, than to be extinct. 
 
 " That is a principle I cannot subscribe 
 to,'* 1 replied ; " yet the desire to live is cer- 
 tainly the last that leaves us, generally 
 speaking; but the idea of living only in 
 effigy is a poor species of immortality ; one 
 would wonder how they should be gratified 
 with it/' 
 
 *^ Is it not the same with us ? (said Mr. 
 Grey) Do we not highly value the portrait^ 
 of our deceased friends and ancestors ? And 
 do we not feel flattered with the idea of hand- 
 ing down our own portraits to posterity? 
 Indeed were it not for this, the profession 
 would be starved ; for portrait painting is 
 the only department which flourishes in the 
 present day ? And what, pray, (added my 
 friend) what is there more substantial in the 
 
CHINA PAINTING. 1 8^ 
 
 love of fame? What is there more desir- 
 able, in being talked of after one is dead, 
 than in being looked at?" 
 
 1 was thinking — when we were led into 
 the next room, where we saw two real 
 in u ramies, brought from the catacombs of 
 Sakkara, near Grand Cairo; with a variety 
 of elegant curiosities which we surveyed 
 with pleasure; yet that pleasure was some- 
 what abated, when we were shown some 
 beautiful China, painted by the hand of 
 Raphael. " What ! (said Mr. Grey,) is this 
 the best employment that could be found 
 for the first artist of the age ?" ** Yes, 
 (said I ;) and the first painters in France, 
 if not in England, are now employed in 
 painting cups and saucers, which are brought 
 over at an enormous expence, to gratify the 
 exalted taste of our nobility !" 
 
 The third room on our entrance exhibited 
 a fine display of military tools and dresses, 
 brought chiefly from the Southern Ocean. 
 " These," said Mr.Grey, as he surveyed them 
 with some attention — " these are the mili- 
 tary paraphernalia that tempt mankind to 
 
19^ P6MP OF WAR. 
 
 the raurder of each other ! But why do they 
 not exhibit the miseries of war also ? I could 
 wish to see a model of a field of battle^ after 
 an engagement in which thirty or forty 
 thousand have been killed and wounded — 
 to see the trenches filled and the plain co- 
 vered with the bodies of the slain, while on 
 every hand were exhibited the attitudes, 
 and, if it were possible, the cries of torture 
 from the wounded and the dying. Surely 
 this might operate as an antidote to the 
 tempting display of colours — the carved in- 
 struments of cruelty — the drum, the trum- 
 pet, and the war-whoop !'* 
 
 " Whence is it," said I, " that all na- 
 tions, rude or civilized, take such delight 
 irf war, and pride themselves in the display 
 of it?" 
 
 " St. James will tell you," said Mr. Grey, 
 " that it proceeds from the lusts or criminal 
 passions of mankind. Pride, ambition, a 
 spirit of robbery, or a criminal attachment 
 to some unworthy object, are the general 
 causes of war : yet it will not do to avow 
 these causes. If an island or a country is 
 
RIGHT OP DISCOVERY, 191 
 
 wanted, the ingenuity of lawyers and poli- 
 ticians must be exerted for a colourable pre- 
 text ; and to lead the people willingly to the 
 field of battle, they must be dressed up, 
 like the sacrifices of old, with ribands atid 
 feathers, to make them fine." 
 
 " But you will allow," I said, ^^ there are 
 legitimate causes of war." — ^^ Of defensive 
 war I admit there may be just ground," said 
 my friend ; " for it is not my duty to stand 
 passive while a man should murder my wife 
 and children : but were I a statesman, I 
 should be as unwilling to engage in war as 
 I am reluctant, as an individual, to go to 
 law : and it must be some very important 
 cause that should urge me to the latter." 
 
 ^^ But is not trade itself founded in war? 
 How are we to carry on commei'ce without 
 colonies ? and how are colonies to be ob- 
 tained but by force ? The natives will not 
 invite us to take possession. Besides, we 
 are bound to protect those islands, which 
 are ours by right of discovery." 
 
 "Right of discovery!" said Mr. Grey ; 
 
19^ RIGHT OF CONQUESt. 
 
 " an admirable right truly ! Captain Cooke 
 discovered Otaheite, and does that give us 
 a right to govern it r" — " I suppose so," 
 said T, " unless you think proper to add the 
 right of conquest." 
 
 " Aye !" said he, " that to be sure is the 
 greatest of all rights ! So, as I walk the 
 streets, a thief discovers my pocket book, and 
 that makes it his by " right of discover^/ ;'* 
 but this avails little, unless he has strength 
 and opportunity to wrest it from me, and 
 then his claim becomes indisputable, for it 
 is his by right of conquest //" 
 
 " I confess, sir, nothing makes a right so 
 clear as the power to enforce it. But your 
 comparisons are ludicrous, and throw ridi- 
 cule on the affairs of statesmen and heroes, 
 which may be of dangerous consequence." 
 
 " Well then," said Mr. Grey, " take a 
 more dignified illustration : suppose an Ota- 
 heitan chief were driven out to sea, and by 
 some strange chance were to discover this 
 island of Great Britain, and as soon as he 
 jsat foot on shore were to stick his spear in 
 
SOUTH SEA IDOLS. IgS 
 
 tbe sand, and ])roclaim his master Pomare 
 sovereign of the country, what would you 
 think of him?" 
 
 '^ I should feel more disposed to laugh, 
 than to be angry or alarmed." 
 
 Mr. Grey. — But suppose this maa were 
 followed with a mighty fleet and army, as 
 when the Romans invaded us, and that we 
 "were weakened, like our ancestors, by intes- 
 tine war, and thereby unable to resist — 
 what then would you think of the right of 
 conquest ? 
 
 Here, feeling the weakness of my cause, 
 and finding I was not likely to convert 
 my friend, I turned his attention to some 
 South Sea idols in the* same room; and 
 remarking the great difference in w^orkman- 
 ship between these and the various imple- 
 ments of dress and of war formed by the 
 same people, I enquired what he thought 
 might be the reason that the people who 
 bestowed so much labour on a war-club or 
 a helmet, should take so little trouble with 
 the images of their gods ? 
 
 Mr. Grey. It is only another instance 
 of the moral insanity of mankind, (which 
 
194 SACRIFICES TO DEVILS. 
 
 prevails, it seems, even to the islands of the 
 Southern Ocean,) — they make religion the 
 smallest of their concerns :* but in the pre- 
 sent instance, 1 suspect there is another 
 cause; their worship arises rather from fear 
 than love ; and the more ugly the idol, the 
 better does it express the moral character of 
 the Deity they worship, whose attributes 
 are generally those of malevolence, hatred, 
 and revenge. 
 
 " You think then," said Mr. Grey, " that 
 the sacrifices offered by the Heathen now, as 
 well as of old, ^ are unto devils, and not 
 unto God.'" — ^^ Most assuredly: and so mad 
 are mankind, that the more of the devil 
 there is in the character of their gods, the 
 greater is the number of their worshippers 
 and the zeal displayed in serving them. 
 This is demonstrated in the instances of 
 Jaggernaut and Sheva, and another devil 
 worshipped by the negroes." 
 
 " It seems to me," said I, " very strange, 
 that men should select such objects of adora- 
 
 * This was written before their conversion to Chris- 
 tianity. 
 
 I 
 
WORSHIP FROM TERROR. 19^ 
 
 tion ; but there is no accounting for the fol- 
 lies of mankind." 
 
 Mr. Grey. Yes, there is ; my hypothesis 
 of moral insanity accounts for them com- 
 pletely : their moral faculties are deranged, 
 and " they call good evil, and evil good." 
 So they reverse the motive for worship as 
 well as the character of their deity; they 
 worship from fear instead of gratitude and 
 love, and their fears clothe the idols they 
 worship in all imaginable terrors. 
 
 " They then make their idols ugly to cor- 
 respond with the prototype in their own 
 imaginations ; and pray to them on the same 
 principle as among us the vulgar cry for 
 mercy, when they think they see a ghost.'* 
 
 We were disturbed in this chit-chat, 
 by discovering we were left alone in the 
 room, and by a polite intimation that our 
 company was gone forward to the next; 
 thither, therefore, we immediately followed. 
 
 We now came to the rooms of manu- 
 scripts which are generally passed through 
 pretty rapidly ; but as some of our company 
 K2 
 
196 
 
 ROYAL LETTERS. 
 
 were literary men, two or three particular 
 objects engaged their attention. 
 
 One of our friends observed, " Here is 
 a large collection of Royal Letters''' ^' I 
 hope they are better," replied another ^^ than 
 some which have been exhibited in the pre- 
 sent reign, or I could take my ^ Bible oath' 
 that they had better have been burnt." — 
 " They are not love letters," said Mr. Grey, 
 *^ but political ; and may prove important 
 documents to future historians, who shall 
 possess the patience requisite to their inves- 
 tigation." 
 
 " But here are the manuscripts of Chat- 
 terton,'* said Dr. Scott, ^^ which occasioned 
 so much controversy in the literary world." 
 " Ill-fated youth !" replied Mr. Keen, with 
 a sigh, " I can never think of him without 
 sififhincr." 
 
 " I can sigh too/' said Mr. Grey, " over 
 the memory of this youth ; but it is rather 
 for the depravity of his character, than the 
 severity of his fate." 
 
 Mr. Keen. He possessed talents of the 
 first order, Sir. 
 
I FATE OF CHATTERTON. 1,97 
 
 Mr. Grey. Unquestionably ; but he at- 
 tempted to build his fame and fortune on 
 deception and imposture. 
 
 " What imposture did he practise. Sir ?" 
 said I. 
 
 Mr. Keen. He forged some manuscripts, 
 pretended to be the production of the 13th 
 century; and did it with such art and judg- 
 ment, as deceived half the literary world. 
 
 " And what," said I, '^ could be his 
 object r" 
 
 Mr. Grey. To engage the attention and 
 procure the patronage of an antiquarian, 
 whom he supposed would admire the papers 
 more for their antiquity than their merit ; 
 and reward the industry of a youth, whose 
 talents, if openly displayed, would rather 
 excite his envy. 
 
 " And he was deceived, then ?" 
 
 Mr. Grey. He that attempts to deceive 
 others cannot complain of being himself 
 deceived. The great man, whose patronage 
 he sought, had too high an opinion of him- 
 self to be interested in the fate of an obscure 
 youth like Chatterton ; and such men, be- 
 k3 
 
198 HIS DECEPTITE CHARAClteR. 
 
 fore they patronize others, calculate what 
 fame they are likely to derive themselves 
 thereby. 
 
 Mr. Keen. This youth did not pretend 
 to exhibit his own talents ; but, very unac- 
 countably, was content to sink them, and 
 aspired to no higher honour, than that of 
 rescuing from obscurity some musty rem- 
 nants of antiquity. 
 
 Dr. Scott. It was upon this ground, 
 perhaps, he failed. However, we often see 
 that Providence frowns on schemes of de- 
 ception and imposition, though in cases of 
 apparently no great importance. 
 
 Miss Scott. O ! Sir, there could be no 
 great harm in that ; it was only a white lie, 
 to get a little money — ^in fact, a livelihood. 
 
 Dr. Scott. I hate *' white lies," as you 
 call them ; and can conceive they must be 
 far more hateful to the God of truth, by 
 their wearing the veil of innocency ; nor can 
 any person calculate the mischiefs which 
 arise froM them. 
 
 Miss Scott. Then they cannot be white 
 lies : by that term, I only mean such fibs as 
 
WHITE LIES, 199 
 
 can hurt nobody. Suppose, for instance, 
 I am in dishaUlle, and order the servant to 
 say I am not at home ? 
 
 Dr. Scott. Well, my dear, let us calcu- 
 late the enormity of this pretty little " white 
 lie," to which you are so partial. In the 
 first place, it is a falsehood, and God has 
 forbidden falsehood ; and is it of no conse- 
 quence to offend your best Friend and Bene- 
 factor ? 
 
 Miss Scott. But, dear uncle, I cannot 
 think God Almighty can be so angry with 
 a fib that does no harm. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Let us see, then, in the next 
 place, if it really be so harmless as you sup- 
 pose. — 1st. You teach your servant to lie; 
 and if there is no harm in telling a lie for 
 you, she will not think there can be any great 
 harm in telling one for herself; and then 
 perhaps when you become the dupe of her 
 lie, you may call it a black one. 
 
 Miss Scott. But we only mean in mat- 
 ters of no consequence ; she must be taught 
 to make a distinction. 
 
 Dr. Scott. If she does, she will always 
 Ji4 
 
200 EVILS OF LYING. 
 
 think her own lie as innocent as yours. But 
 suppose there should be children in the fa- 
 mily (as in most families there are) then 
 you teach two generations to lie. 
 Miss Scott. Dear Sir ! but — 
 Dr. Scott. I have not done yet, child. 
 Suppose this servant leaves you to go into 
 another family, and that a tradesman's fa- 
 mily — then the w^hite lie system goes with 
 her ; and suppose her master to be under 
 some embarrassments, and creditors apply, 
 then the white lie, of ^ not at home,' may 
 prove a black one ; for it may, under certain 
 circumstances, make him a bankrupt, and 
 involve his family in ruin. Nor is this all : 
 children will in their turn be parents, and if 
 they have been taught the innocency of ly- 
 ing, they will teach it to their posterity ; and 
 thus the system may be handed down from 
 generation to generation, and no man can 
 calculate the evil it may produce. 
 
 Miss Scott. But, Sir, do you not see 
 we are left behind ? — our company are all 
 forward. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Then let us follow them. 
 
 ^^ii^m 
 
MAGNA CHARTA. 201 
 
 Miss Scott. Dear Sir, what swarms of 
 books and manuscripts! do they let any 
 body stop to read them ? 
 
 Dr. Scott. They are national property; 
 and persons of literary pursuits, properly 
 recommended, are allowed to examine and 
 extract from them. 
 
 [Mr. Keen and the younger Miss Scott 
 here again joined the company. \ 
 
 Mr. Keen, Here is an important an- 
 tiquity, the original deed of Magna Charta ; 
 and when the enemies of our constitutioa 
 ask for written documents, I would refer 
 them to this charter. 
 
 Dr. Scott. But I think we must refer 
 our constitution to much higher antiquity ; 
 at least to the time of Alfred. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Sir, I am disposed to carry 
 the rights of civil and religious liberty 
 still higher ; they are the gifts of heaven. 
 Alfred, and John, and Edward, and Wil- 
 liam III. recognized these rights, and I 
 venerate the memorial ; but they could not 
 give them, unlesji they themselves had the 
 &5 
 
203 LEARNED MANUSCRIPTS. 
 
 right of enslaving us, which I presume 
 cannot be admitted. 
 
 Mr. Keen. By no means, Sir ; on that 
 point we are happily agreed. 
 
 Dr. Scott. But here is some where a 
 charter of higher antiquity, and of more 
 importance. O ! I see it ; it is a fine He- 
 brew manuscript of the Pentateuch, of great 
 antiquity. 
 
 Mr. Keen. There, Sir, you go beyond 
 our learning ; but here also is a copy of 
 the Greek Septuagint, of about the 4th 
 century. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Yes ; and I would have the 
 ladies notice how beautifully it is written ; 
 for it was no doubt the work of a lady of 
 quality of that age — the illustrious Thecla. 
 
 Miss Scott. Beautifnl indeed. Sir : but 
 I suppose the ladies of that age had more 
 leisure than we have — they had not so much 
 to learn. 
 
 Dr. Scott. But it should seem they 
 learned more : this lady was not a native 
 Greekj but an^ Egyptian, who loved the 
 
THE GRAND SALOON. 203 
 
 -' - « - ' 
 
 Bible, and spent in this work the time 
 which others spent in dress and visiting. 
 
 Miss S. Scott. O then it was not a ge- 
 neral case. Sir ; and she might be an old 
 lady, I presume, like good Mrs. More. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Mrs. More did not neglect 
 religion till she was old. Miss ; and there 
 is great danger that those who do so may 
 die without it : but I mean this as a hint 
 only. 
 
 Miss Scott. But, Sir, I have heard no 
 remarks from you on the fine portraits 
 which are scattered in these rooms. 
 
 Dr. Scott. We can only glance at 
 things en passant as we go through the 
 rooms, and you know I generally prefer the 
 objects which afford the best opportunity 
 for moralizing. 
 
 Mr. Keen. We thank you. Sir ; and 
 here is a very fine painted dome in the 
 grand saloon we are now about to en- 
 ter, which will afford you ample oppor- 
 tunity. 
 
 Dr. Scott. Yes ; it is very beautiful ; 
 and as the subject is allegorical, it may 
 
206 
 
 THE MAMMOTH. 
 
 this creature, and many others, being totally 
 extinct ? 
 
 Mr. Grey. I am not sure of that : vast 
 tracts both in Africa and America remain 
 yet unexplored ; and every country we ex- 
 amine presents some new specimens both 
 of the animal and vegetable worlds : but if 
 the species should be extinct, I see nothing 
 inconsistent with the character of the su- 
 preme Being, who is able to form new 
 species, and even new worlds, in an endless 
 variety of forms. 
 
 Dr. Scott. But do you really suppose. 
 Sir, that any of God's creatures become 
 extinct ? 
 
 Mr. Grey. I see no heresy, nor even 
 absurdity, in the idea. 
 
 Miss Scott. Well then I think it well 
 for us that the mammoth is so, for a few of 
 them would have eaten up mankind. 
 
 Dr. Scott, There is no creature able to 
 cope with man, especially when united in 
 society. The mammoth, however, was not 
 carnivorous, but herbaceous in its food. 
 
ORNITHOLOGY. 20*1 
 
 Miss S. Scott. Then I suppose it lived 
 on trees, and would munch a forest for its 
 breakfast. 
 
 Dr. Scott. You are ludicrous, ray dear. 
 However, there is one circumstance I would 
 remark, in which we may trace, as in in- 
 numerable others, the goodness of divine 
 Providence : — The larger and more de- 
 structive creatures breed the slowest ; it is 
 not therefore so wonderful that they should 
 become extinct — while the most valuable 
 animals, especially those used for food, 
 multiply the most rapidly — as for instance 
 sheep and kine. But I see we are again 
 behind, and shall lose our company if we 
 do not move forward. 
 
 We passed more rapidly through the 
 other rooms ; but the ladies were particu- 
 larly delighted with the specimens of orni- 
 thology, especially the humming birds and 
 the hanging nests ; but as time was hasten- 
 ing on, the company were brief in their 
 remarks, which I did not therefore think 
 it necessary to preserve. When we left the 
 rooms Dr. Scott invited us again to hia 
 
208 THE ADJOURNMENT. 
 
 house ; but as Mr. Grey had formed another 
 engagement on private business, and I had 
 several letters to verite into the country, we 
 parted for the day, each to his respective 
 business. 
 
SIXTH DAY, 
 
 ^-#- 
 
 The following day was Sunday, on which 
 it was my constant practice to attend public 
 worship ; but being a stranger in town; it 
 became a matter of some deliberation where 
 we should attend ; and as Mr. Grey had 
 been my guide and companion through the 
 week, I was unwilling to be separated from 
 him on the Sabbath, especially as I ex- 
 pected to derive as much information from 
 his conversation as from the public lectures 
 I might hear. 
 
 The first nomination Mr. Grey politely 
 referred to me; and^as I had heard much of 
 the chapel of a certain hospital for frail fe- 
 males, I proposed going thither in the mor- 
 ?%ing. " With all my heart," said Mr. Grey ; 
 *'it is an excellent institution, and the very 
 
210 FRAIL FEMALES. 
 
 nature of it, I should hope, will ensure us 
 an. evangelical discourse, since it can be of 
 no use to preach any doctrine, but that of 
 grace to those unhappy beings." — " Most 
 assuredly," said 1 ; ^^ and I should hope to 
 find them well prepared to receive the gos- 
 pel, since they can have no pretence to 
 worthiness or merit." 
 
 " I am not sure of that neither," replied 
 Mr. Grey. " They are not the best charac- 
 ters that have the highest idea of them- 
 selves. I have heard of a prostitute boast- 
 ing that she never picked pockets; and of a 
 pick-pocket, that she never exercised her 
 profession on a Sunday." 
 
 " Astonishing ! It is a blessing, how- 
 ever, that there are such Institutions, and 
 I wonder in this age of benevolence there 
 are not more. I should suppose that there 
 are thousands who would be glad to croud 
 into them." 
 
 ^' I doubt that : the love of sin increases 
 with the practice of it," said Mr. Grey. 
 
 " But their lives are made up of misery and 
 wretchedness." " Not altogether so," said 
 
EVIL OF SEDUCTION. 211 
 
 ^•■* ' , ■■■,.., , ■ .^ 
 
 he. " Their sin is their delight : and what 
 with the hey-day of a gay life, and frequent 
 intoxication, they seldom give themselves 
 time for reflection ; nor indeed will they 
 indulge it, till extreme misery forces it 
 upon them.'* 
 
 " And then they fly for shelter." 
 
 " Yes : but as their hatred is not to the 
 sin, but to its painful consequences, I fear 
 they often return to their wicked courses 
 with more readiness than they leave them. " 
 
 ^^ You are severe. Sir/' said I ; " you 
 should recollect that many of these poor 
 creatures are seduced from worthy and per- 
 haps pious parents, by the arts of the basest 
 of mankind." 
 
 " These indeed are greatly to be pitied," 
 said Mr. Grey, " and their seducers ought 
 to be severely punished. But I conceive 
 these pitiable objects are comparatively few. 
 Our streets are chiefly peopled by girls who 
 either have not been brought up to work, 
 or are too indolent to follow it; and yet 
 have no other means of support. These, it 
 is to be feared, are often the seducers ; and 
 
212 THE CHAPEL. 
 
 their characters are too light to induce men 
 to marry them. When these come into 
 misery they must he glad of an asylum ; but 
 when that misery subsides, nothing can he 
 more terrible to them than the habits of 
 industry in regular families — unless it be 
 the practice of devotion in a religious in- 
 stitution." 
 
 Thus we conversed upon the subject till 
 we reached the chapel, and were soon sur- 
 rounded with a very genteel congregation. 
 The minister went through the previous 
 service with becoming reverence ; but when 
 he ascended the pulpit I was greatly sur- 
 prised to hear his text, which was Eccle- 
 siastes, vii. l6, 17? ^^ Be not righteous over" 
 much" and so forth. 
 
 After an introduction, which contained 
 an excellent eulogy on Solomon and his 
 writings, he reversed the order of his text, 
 and beginning with the second part, " Be 
 not overmuch wicked,'' he proposed to con- 
 sider, first, the dreadful consequences of 
 vice, as shortening the period of human 
 existence^ and rendering it miserable while 
 
DANGER OP METHODISM. 213 
 
 I ■ i<i< ■. ■ — ■ ' 
 
 ■*< ■ — " 
 
 it lasted : this observation seemed to bear 
 upon a certain part of his audience, to 
 whose experience he very pathetically ap- 
 pealed. But I could not help anticipating 
 a difficulty in applying the other branch of 
 his text. Surely, thought I, he will not 
 caution the guilty part of his congregation 
 against being overmuch righteous ; this, 
 however, he did, and it seemed to be the 
 principal object of his discourse. " Our 
 nature," said he, " is prone to extremes ; 
 and having seen the evil cb'nsequences of 
 vice, penitents are sometimes apt to give 
 Way to an austerity that injures the consti- 
 tution ; or, which is more common in the 
 present day, to a religious melancholy, 
 which rejects the innocent pleasures of life; 
 and then, exaggerated notions of sin, and 
 extreme ideas of divine justice, drive them 
 to despair and madness." And here he 
 cautioned his frail auditors, lest, upon leav- 
 ing that asylum they should go among the 
 Methodists, or other enthusiasts. Moral 
 virtue, indeed, he described as every way 
 amiable; and good works he extolled, as 
 
214 SUNDAY PAPERS. 
 
 recommending us to the favour of God, and 
 covering a multitude of sins. He com- 
 mended also a religious disposition, such as 
 would attach them to the Established Church 
 of England ; but " by no means to run into 
 irregularities and excesses, which in all 
 cases are to be avoided, and especially in 
 religion ; as they tend to draw people to the 
 conventicle, and, by deserting the church, 
 leave them to the uncovenanted mercies 
 of God — and consequently expose them to 
 melancholy, which often ends in self-de- 
 struction." 
 
 Coming out of this chapel we were sud- 
 denly greeted with the news-horn, which 
 announced some extraordinary intelligence 
 in the Sunday Papers — an indecency which 
 was new and surprising to us, who, coming 
 from the country, were not used to such 
 violations of public decency. 
 
 As it would have been inconvenient for 
 us to return to our inn to dinner, I had pro- 
 mised to introduce Mr. Grey to the house 
 of an hospitable friend, which was con- 
 veniently situated, where we could be sure 
 
VISIT TO MRS. BROWN. 22 1 5 
 
 of a hearty welcome and a comfortable 
 dinner, without ceremony ; and, according 
 to the rules of the house, without detain- 
 ing us from public worship in the after- 
 noon. 
 
 After the usual form of introduction to 
 my friend, Mr. Brown, the conversation 
 turned on where we had been, and what we 
 had heard. I gave the company a very 
 brief account of our sermon, which was 
 much admired by an old lady present, and 
 as freely censured by Mr. Grey. The good 
 lady thought nothing more was necessary 
 to engage people to love Virtue than to 
 draw her in her proper form, which she 
 thought the Clergy of the Church of Eng- 
 land generally did ; and that the Calvinists 
 were very culpable in drawing human 
 nature in the sombre colours of natural 
 depravity. 
 
 A young gentleman present (who proved 
 to be her nephew) agreed in her general 
 sentiment, and confessed himself a bitter 
 enemy to the strong humiliating expressions 
 
2l6 
 
 DESK AND PULPIT. 
 
 adopted by the Church of England in her 
 Prayer Book. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Then I hope, Sir, you are 
 not a member of the Established Church. 
 
 " No, indeed. Sir; I was brought up 
 among the rational dissenters." 
 
 Mr. Grey. Then, Sir, you may be con- 
 sistent ; but to hear a clergyman in the 
 desk repeat all the strong expressions of 
 human depravity in our prayers, and thea 
 go into the pulpit and preach doctrine 
 diametrically opposite, is an incongruity I 
 cannot reconcile to sober reason. 
 
 The young gentleman smiled, and said 
 he was not interested to reconcile these 
 absurdities ; but his aunt was a high-church 
 woman, and felt herseJf called upon to 
 attempt it. " As to that, Sir," said the lady 
 (whose name was Mrs. Good), " I think 
 you are too critical : there are no doubt 
 always some people in the congregation to 
 which such expressions may be applied; 
 but to good Christians I conceive they are 
 only applicable in a very lax and general 
 
A LITTLir SIMMER, 217 
 
 tense. For my part I generally pass them 
 
 over." 
 
 Mr. Grey. Tlien I should suppose, you 
 have but little trouble to say your prayers ; 
 for you must pass over all the Litany, and 
 most part of the Communion service. 
 
 Mrs. Good. No, indeed. Sir, I repeat 
 fill the responses, except a few; such as 
 those after the 7th and 8th commandments, 
 which I cannot say with truth ; for you 
 must admit. Sir, there is no religion in 
 telling a falsehood.** 
 
 Mr. Grey. Certainly not. Madam ; if 
 you do not feel yourself '^ the chief of sin- 
 ners," and ^^less than the least of all saints," 
 as St. Paul did, you would be very wrong 
 to say so. 
 
 Mrs. Good. As to that, Sir, though St/ 
 Paul did say so, I apprehend he referred to 
 his character before he was a Christian ; 
 but as I don't pretend to be so great a saint 
 as Paul the apostle, so neither am I so great 
 n sinner as was Saul the pharisee. 
 
 Mr. Grey. And yet. Madam, with all re- 
 spect, I doubt whether you could exceed him; 
 h 
 
218 PAUL A PERSECUTOR. 
 
 for he declares that, " touching the righ- 
 teousnsss of the law," he was " blameless." 
 
 Mrs. Good. But then, Sh', he was a 
 persecutor. 
 
 Mr. Grey. True, Madam, but even in 
 that he acted from the best motives ; for 
 he thought he did God service, and verily 
 believed ^' he ought to do many things 
 against the name of Jesus of Nazareth." 
 
 Here the conversation was interrupted 
 by the appearance of dinner, and the par- 
 ties agreed to suspend hostilities for the 
 present. 
 
 After dinner the subject was renewed, 
 and Mr. Twigg (the rational dissenter) ob- 
 served, he thought the language used by 
 the Church of England not only degrading 
 to human nature, but that it reflected on 
 the divine purity, in forming such depraved 
 and guilty creatures. 
 
 Mr. Grey. If, Sir, God had formed us 
 guilty, or had implanted moral evil in us, 
 this reasoning would certainly be just ; but 
 the doctrine of Scripture and of the Church 
 of England is, that " God made man up- 
 
MR twigg's creed. 219 
 
 y • ■ ' . ' "'',—-"■. 
 
 right," and that sin was of his own inven- 
 tion : — that the first man corrupted himself 
 by transgression, which, like an evil diseajse, 
 has been propagated from generation to ge- 
 neration through all his posterity. 
 
 Mr. Twigg. I confess. Sir, I don't un- 
 derstand this ; and I am not willing to re- 
 ceive doctrines at which my reason utterly 
 revolts. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Then I presume, Sir, your 
 ci^eed must lie in a very narrow compass : 
 for there are very few truths of revelation 
 against which our depraved reason does not 
 revolt. What think you of the doctrines of 
 the Trinity, the incarnation, the atonement, 
 regeneration, a separate state, and the re- 
 surrection of the body ? 
 
 Mr. Twigg. Why, truly Sir, I believe 
 none of them ; unless it be the last, and 
 that in a way very different from the vulgar 
 opinion. 
 
 " O shocking ! shocking !" cried the old 
 lady (his aunt) " I am truly sorry, Sir, my 
 nephew adopts such heretical notions. I 
 L2 
 
220 . A RATIONAL DISSENTER. 
 
 am afraid he imbibes them from the Dis- 
 senters, among whom he attends." 
 
 Mr. Grey. They must be Dissenters 
 indeed. Madam, who reject all the doc- 
 trines of the Gospel. But, I believe, this 
 applies only to a very small number in 
 comparison with the whole body. The 
 Dissenters in general are quite as orthodox 
 as ourselves : it is, I suppose, among the 
 rational Dissenters that this gentleman 
 attends. 
 
 Mr.Twigg. I should be glad. Sir, as you 
 sneer at rational Dissenters, that you would 
 go with me this afternoon, I can answer 
 for your hearing a man as wise, learned, 
 liberal, and eloquent, as ever adorned a 
 pulpit. 
 
 Mrs. Good. Indeed, Sir, I much wish 
 you would; for I should like vastly to hear 
 your opinion of this gentleman, whom my 
 nephew so much extols. 
 
 Mr. Grey. I have strong objections to 
 hearing error and heresy : — ^but as it seems 
 consistent with my design, for this day \ 
 feel half inclined. 
 
A SUBLIME PRAYfeR. 1221 
 
 - ^ .- ■ ,,, . . ■ > ■ I ■ . . . ^ . 
 
 '' Well, Sir," said I, privately, " I will 
 accompany you ; and I think you will gain 
 a point in your favour ; for this man must 
 certainly be insane^ who denies every thing." 
 
 " But, Mr. Twigg," said Mr. Grey, '' if I 
 accompany you this afternoon, to hear your 
 favourite preacher, will you go with me in 
 the evening to hear mine ?" 
 
 " Certainly, Sir." — It was now agreed, 
 and there being no time for further debate, 
 we set out to hear this " most wise, learned, 
 liberal, and eloquent of all preachers." 
 
 On our being seated we found a very 
 genteel congregation, and were much 
 pleased to hear the preacher open th« 
 service with reading a chapter in the Bible, 
 After singing Addison's 23d Psalm, he of- 
 fered a very eloquent and sublime prayer, 
 which, I perceived by Mr. Grey's counte- 
 nance, was not altogether to his taste. 
 They then sung again, and the preacher 
 took for his text, John, xix. 5, ^^ Behold 
 the Man." After a slight vie\v||F the con- 
 text, he said, the words were commonly 
 supposed to be the language of the Roman 
 l3 
 
223 JESUS A MERE MAN. 
 
 Governor, but as the name Pilate was in- 
 serted in italics, and not in the original, they 
 might be better construed as the words of 
 Jesus himself, and infallibly prove, not only 
 that the Romans and Jews considered him 
 only as a man, but that Jesus himself claimed 
 no higher rank.— " He was a man," said the 
 preacher, " sin oply excepted " perhaps,-— 
 ^' a man in all respects like unto ourselves." 
 Having laid down this proposition as the 
 doctrine of the text, he proceeded to prove 
 it from the reality of his birth, (which he 
 said was in all points like that of other men) 
 —from the ascription to him of human 
 passions, sensibilities and infirmities— and 
 especially from his sufferings and death.— 
 And here, while he enlarged with some 
 feeling on his extreme sufferings, as a mar- 
 tyr for truth and virtue, at the same time 
 Jbe ridiculed the idea of passive, suffering 
 Deity ! He then proceeded to the improve- 
 ment of his discourse in two particulars : 
 1. The s|||f and folly of idolizing a mere 
 man whom God hath set forth, like Moses 
 of old, for a saviour and a legislator. And 
 
CHRISTIAN IDOLATRY. 223 
 
 here he took occasion to observe, that the 
 God of Israel hid the body of Moses that 
 the Jews might not worship him ; but the 
 Christians persisted in their idolatry, not- 
 withstanding the body of their Jesus was 
 removed to heaven and inaccessible; and 
 trusted their salvation to the merit of his 
 atonement, instead of recommending them- 
 selves to the divine favour by a life of in- 
 nocence and virtue. Secondly, he repre- 
 sented this Cbristian idolatry (as he called 
 it) as the great obstacle to the fulBlment of 
 the prophecies, in the conversion of Jews, 
 and Turks, and Infidels, neither of whom 
 could submit to the absurdity of worshiping 
 a man — a man who was crucified. 
 
 Finally, he remaiked, that Christians 
 were commanded to look to Jesus, and 
 " lookii)g to Jesus" was put for believing in 
 him — but in what character were we com- 
 manded to believe in him ? As ' an incar- 
 nate Deity,' as the Trinitarians love to 
 speak? — a mysterious complex being? — 
 No : but as Jesus himself saith — " Behold 
 the Man !" 
 
 l4 
 
^24 JESUS CRUCIFIED AFRtSK. 
 
 The service happily was shorty and my 
 friend rejoiced when it was over ; and when 
 we came out told us, that his ears had never 
 before been tortured with so much blas- 
 phemy. When we returned back to tea, 
 the good old lady, who was herself confined 
 at home by the gout, made particular en- 
 quiries of Mr. Grey respecting her nephew's 
 favourite preacher. The old gentleman 
 »hook his head and sighed ; " Madam," said 
 he, " I have witnessed the Son of God 
 crucified afresh, and put to open shame." 
 
 Mrs. Good. Bless me ! Sir, how do you 
 mean ? 
 
 Mr. Grey. Why, Madam, this learned 
 gentleman has been proving to us, not only 
 that Jesus Christ is a man, which none of 
 us dispute, but that he is nothing more-^ 
 * a man altogether like ourselves,' 
 
 Mrs. Good. O shocking ! how then 
 can he be our Saviour ? 
 
 Mr. Grey. That^ Madam, to me is a 
 very serious question ; but I should suppose 
 of no great consequence to you ; for what 
 
BALP A SAVIOUR. 225 
 
 can you want of a Saviour, who expect to 
 be justified by your own good works r 
 
 Mrs. Good. Not altogether so, neither 
 Sir. We are all imperfect creatures, and 
 must look to our Saviour to make up our 
 deficiencies. I am a great friend, Sir, to 
 good w^orks ; and a great thing it is to do 
 our duty ; but after all, we are not perfect, 
 you know. 
 
 Mr. Grey. O Madam, I understand 
 you ; you are for accomodating matters. 
 WelJ, perhaps this gentleman may allow 
 you half a Saviour ; for he says Jesus Christ 
 was a great prophet, and a teacher sent 
 from God. 
 
 Mrs. Good. But I suppose he denies 
 the atonement. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Entirely so. Madam ; he 
 considers it as one of the greatest stumbling- 
 blocks to the conversion of the world. But 
 this is of no great consequence to you ; your 
 many good works will surely atone for your 
 few failings. 
 
 Mrs. Good. You are satirical. Sir. 
 
 Mr. Grey. I hope. Madam, your com- 
 
S26 
 
 EVENING SERVICE. 
 
 mendation is no satire. But to be serious ; I 
 think that light thoughts of sin^ and of our 
 own depravity, lead to light thoughts of 
 the Saviour. And I do not wonder, how- 
 ever I may lament, that those who are ad- 
 vocates for the dignity and purity of human 
 nature in its present state, should sink the 
 character of Christ also, and believe him to 
 be altogether " such an one as themselves." 
 It was now time to think of preparing for 
 the evening service ; and Mr. Grey, who 
 was particularly averse to a late attendance 
 on public worship, named the hour, and 
 claimed the company of Mr. Twigg, who, 
 though he was not a little chagrined at 
 Mr. Grey's remarks, did not choose to re- 
 fuse accompanying us, especially as some 
 young ladies in the family joined our party. 
 Mrs. Good. Well, Sir, now you are 
 going 1 suppose into the contrary extreme 
 — among the Methodists : — for I perceive 
 you lean much to their notions. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Why, Madam, the term 
 Methodist admits of so great a variety of 
 meanings, that I am at a loss to understand 
 
METHODISM DEFINED. 22J 
 
 it. The term seems to have originated 
 among the physicians, and afterwards was 
 applied to a few pious students at Oxford. 
 Some confine it to the better sort of Armi- 
 nian Dissenters, and others include the 
 Clergy, whether Armlnians or Calvinists, 
 who approve the gospel method of salva- 
 tion, and act in conformity to its rules. 
 But I dipped into a very learned pamphlet 
 the other day, in which a great doctor de- 
 rives the term Methjodism from the Greek, 
 and says it refers to the wiles of the devil ! 
 Mrs. Good. O, Sir ! you must be jesting, 
 • Mr. Grey. Indeed, Madam, I thought 
 so of the doctor, till I looked a little farther 
 into his book, and found he was too dull to 
 joke. However, Madam, if you wish to 
 know the character of the gentleman we are 
 going to hear, I assure you he is one who 
 believes and preaches the articles he sub- 
 scribed, and omits no part of the service for 
 fear he should speak too degradingly of 
 himself. 
 
 Mrs. Good. Thank you, Sir, for that 
 slap ! However, Sir, I understand, though 
 l6 
 
2128 
 
 SOME BRAINS EASILY TURNED. 
 
 I never heard the gentleman myself, he is 
 one of the very zealous sort^ who often turn 
 peoples' brains ; and I have heard many 
 «tories of the kind. 
 
 Mr. Grey. Very like. Madam ; many 
 more than may be true. Some peoples' 
 brains are so shallow that they are easily 
 turned. But do you really think that the 
 doctrines of the Church of England, which 
 are what he preaches, have a tendency to 
 turn peoples' brains ? 
 
 Mrs. Good. O dear. Sir, by no means. 
 But these over zealous preachers talk so 
 much about hell and damnation, that they 
 frighten weak people out of their wits. 
 
 Mr. Grey. That also may perhaps easily 
 be done ; and no doubt there are weak 
 preachers as well as weak hearers : but I 
 doubt whether any of them u&e, or can use, 
 more awful language than our Lord himself 
 did — " How can ye escape the damnation 
 of hell?" 
 
 Mr. Grey now took leave, and conducted 
 US to an Episcopal chapel^ where a larg« 
 
AN fiPlSCOPAL CHAPEL. 22^ 
 
 congregation was soon gathered ; and after 
 the previous service of the church had been 
 very seriously read, a venerable preacher 
 commanded our attention. -: 
 
 As my friend took notes of the sermon, 
 and has since favoured me with a copy, I 
 shall be able to present my readers with a 
 great part of this discourse verbatim ; which 
 I do the rather, as it may sufficiently repel 
 the charge of Mrs. Good, and the world in 
 general, that religion has a tendency to 
 madness. 
 
 I would only remark, that on our way 
 we met Mr. Keen, whom we accosted ; and 
 he, having some knowledge of the ladies 
 who were with us, and no particular en- 
 gagement, was without much difficulty per- 
 suaded to accompany us — whither he con- 
 fessed he had not been for a considerable 
 time — to ChapeL 
 
230 
 
 THE SERMON. 
 
 ACTS, XXVI. 25. 
 
 / am not mad, most noble Festus ; hut speak forth the 
 words of truth and soberness. 
 
 The scene before us is fall of interest. In 
 a preceding chapter we find Paul impleaded 
 before Felix by a celebrated orator named 
 Tertullus, who, with the artifice usually 
 attached to his profession, charges hini 
 with treason and sedition ; charges which 
 he knew, of all others, were most likely to 
 excite the resentment of his judge. But, 
 armed with the breast-plate of righteous- 
 ness, Paul repels the fiery darts of this wicked 
 one, and not only convinces the Court of his 
 innocence, but excites a desire in the Ro- 
 man Governor to hear farther of the new 
 religion which he is accused of propagating. 
 A second hearing is appointed ; and Paul, 
 in chains, reasons " of righteousness, tem- 
 perance, and judgment to come," until Felix 
 trembles on the seat of judicature, and can 
 bear to hear no more. He dismisses him. 
 
CHARACTER OF FELIX. 231 
 
 however, courteously, and promises to send 
 for him again at a more convenient season. 
 But, alas ! that season never came. Those 
 who defer the consideration of truths of 
 infinite importance, do it at their peril. 
 To-morrow ! dost thou say to-morrow ? 
 " peradventure this night thy soul may he 
 required of thee !*' 
 
 This, however, was not the case in the 
 present instance. He had abundant oppor- 
 tunities to hear the word of life ; but his 
 sordid soul, instead of enquiring after the 
 heavenly riches, is waiting for a bribe from 
 the friends of Paul, to set at liberty the 
 man whom he had already pronounced 
 innocent ; and finding him above the em- 
 plo ment of such unworthy means to obtain 
 his 1 berty, leaves him in confinement, to 
 gratiiy the Jews. 
 
 A new Governor is sent from Rome ; 
 and Festus is also desirous to hear this 
 extraordinary case. Paul again defends 
 himself, to the admiration of his Judge, 
 and the confusion of his accusers. But 
 Agrippa arrives ; and Festus, willing to 
 
232 ST. Paul's defence. 
 
 pay him a compliment, as well as to hear 
 how the prisoner could defend himself be- 
 fore the Jewish Prince, appoints a hearing 
 in presence of Agrippa and Drusilla, who 
 were both of his own nation, and had been 
 brought up in the same religion. 
 
 Behold Paul again called upon to plead 
 his own cause, and that of Christianity, 
 before his Judges, both Jews and Gentiles. 
 We cannot follow the stream of eloquence 
 and argument which he poured around him, 
 but we must attend to the effect. Agrippa, 
 with all his Jewish prejudices, is almost per- 
 suaded to become a Christian ; and Festus, 
 perfectly astounded with what he heard, 
 and his conscience alarmed, perhaps, like 
 that of his predecessor Felix, suddenly ex- 
 claims, "Paul, thou art beside thyself; 
 much learning hath made thee mad !" And 
 never did the Apostle appear greater than 
 in that reply, which forms my text — '^ I am 
 not mad, most noble Festus ; but speak 
 forth the words of truth and soberness." 
 
 As the charge is still, kept alive against 
 those who act and preach as did Paul, we 
 
CHRISTIANS CHARGED WITH MADNESS. 1235 
 
 are equally interested in repelling it ; and in 
 shewing that what Paul preached, and we 
 also attempt to preach, contains only " the 
 words of truth and soberness ;" and can 
 therefore never warrant the accusation of 
 its enemies, that those are beside themselves 
 who believe and preach it. But before I 
 enter on this subject, I beg leave to offer 
 two preliminary remarks. 
 
 1. That the modern enemies of Chris- 
 tianity do not always treat us with the libe- 
 rality of Festus. They charge us, indeed, 
 with madness ; but they attribute this, not 
 as the Roman Governor did, to excess of 
 study, or of learning, but to causes directly 
 opposite, and far less likely to produce such 
 an effect — to ignorance and illiteracy. 
 
 2. We have here a specimen of the pro- 
 per temper of a Christian advocate. Paul 
 returns not railing for railing — nor does he 
 speak evil of dignities; but in firm, yet 
 respectful language, repels the charge : " I 
 am not mad, most noble Festus ; but speak 
 forth the words of truth and soberness." 
 
 Let us now enquire the grounds upon 
 
534 GROUNDS OP THIS CHARGE. 
 
 which the degrading charge of madness is 
 brought against Christianity, and endeavour, 
 as we proceed, to remove those grounds, and 
 refute the charge. This charge is founded 
 1. On the peculiar principles or doctrines of 
 Christianity; and, II. On the temper and 
 spirit which it displays. 
 
 I. Christians are charged with madness 
 on the ground of their principles^ or for 
 believing the doctrines of Christianity ; and 
 the points which particularly provoke this 
 charge, are the doctrines which respect the 
 divine nature-^hurnan depravity — the plan 
 of redemption — and the means of personal 
 salvation. 
 
 1. To begin with the peculiar doctrine 
 of Christianity relative to the divine nature : 
 — Paul was considered as a heretic by the 
 Jews because he believed in the divinity of 
 Jesus of Nazareth, whom they had cruci- 
 fied ; and by the Cxen tiles as a setter forth 
 of strange gods, because " he preached 
 unto them Jesus and the resurrection." 
 Among the Jews he introduced no new 
 object of worship. He preached the God 
 
DECLCKStON OP THE JEWS. 235 
 
 of Israel as the one true God. But he 
 opened to them the mysteries of their own 
 scriptures, and declared "God manifested in 
 the flesh" in the person of Jesus, who was 
 *' seen of angels, preached unto the Gen- 
 tiles, helieved on in the world, and received 
 up into glory.*' The Jews, at this period, 
 like some modern Christians (so called) had 
 sunk their theological creed extremely low. 
 They believed in the God of nature and 
 providence ; but they had forgotten '^ the 
 sure mercies of David," arising out of his 
 covenant-relation to his people. They looked 
 for a Messiah, but it was under the degraded 
 character of a temporal prince and a san- 
 guinary conqueror. To the Gentiles, Paul, 
 as all the primitive Christians, appeared an 
 Atheist, because he denied and derided their 
 idols of wood and stone ; but when he 
 preached " Jesus and the resurrection," he 
 seemed a polytheist, for they could not 
 comprehend how the worship of Jesus was 
 to be reconciled to the belief of one God, 
 the only object of adoration. 
 
 Another doctrine which Paul preached. 
 
MB 
 
 THE ATONEMENT. 
 
 and which we also preach, is that of the 
 atonement^ or free salvation through the 
 blood arid righteousness of the Redeemer-— 
 a truth essential to Christianity, but " to 
 the Jews a stumbling block, and to the 
 Greeks foolishness." Nor is this doctrine 
 less offensive to the wisdom of the present 
 age. To be pardoned through the sacrifice 
 of the cross — to be saved by the righteous- 
 ness of another, is not only abhorrent to 
 the reason of deistical philosophers, but to 
 the understanding of many who call them- 
 selves rational Christians. But to thos« 
 who have tasted the bitterness of sin, who 
 have felt the anguish of a wounded con- 
 science, or who know, as Solomon expresses 
 it, " the plague of their own hearts" — to 
 such it is of all doctrines the most consola- 
 tory. ^' God forbid that I should glor^V' 
 says our apostle, " save in the cross of 
 Christ Jesus my Lord." It was this way of 
 salvation by the cross, which formed the 
 distinguishing characteristic of the primitive 
 preaching. It was called, indeed, '" the 
 foolishness of preaching ;" but what say$ 
 
OFFEKCE OP THE CROSS. 23/ 
 
 our Apostle ? " The foolishness of God" — 
 or that divine dispensation which men es- 
 teem foolishness, " is wiser than man.'* 
 How so ? Because " when the world by 
 "wisdom knew not God, it pleased God, by 
 I the foolishness of preaching, to save them 
 that believe.*' Let us pause a moment, and 
 enquire, JVhen was this said ? It was said 
 in the close of the Augustan age, when 
 Greece had been enlightened by the divine 
 Plato, and Rome by the immortal Cicero ; 
 when the world had been charmed by the 
 elegant numbers of Virgil, and the delicate 
 satire of Horace — Then it was that the 
 world by wisdom knew not G8d. But what 
 the world ^^ could not do," it pleased God^ 
 by " the foolishness of preaching,'* to ac- 
 complish. Yes : then God was pleased tp 
 give the fullest display of his wisdom 
 in the scheme of redemption — a scheme 
 that acts as a celestial atmosphere to the 
 divine glory. Without an atmosphere we 
 should see the heavenly bodies, each shining 
 in his own strength ; but they would shine 
 ^s isolated lamps in the black vault of 
 
238 DIVINE INFLUENCES. 
 
 heaven. So would it be in the spiritual 
 world. The natural perfections of Deity 
 would indeed shine with infinite glory ; but 
 who could reconcile them to man's salva- 
 tion ? It is the scripture plan of redemption 
 which harmonizes them, and mingles all 
 their rays in one ocean of celestial light : 
 
 — — — " Nor dares a creature guess 
 " Which of the glories brightest shine, 
 " The Justice or the Grace." 
 
 A third doctrine of the gospel is that of 
 Divine Influences; a doctrine peculiarly 
 exposed to the ridicule of worldly men. 
 ** What !" said a master in Israel, " can a 
 man be born when he is old ; can he enter 
 the second time into his mother's womb 
 and be born ?" 
 
 That he who made the spirit of man 
 should have access to it in a way unknown 
 to us, cannot be pronounced irrational : nor 
 was it thought so by some of the wisest 
 men among the heathen, though others 
 covered it with reproach and ridicule. To 
 say that i/ou do not experience the influences 
 of the Spirit is no proof that I do not ; any 
 more than my not feeling bodily pain proves 
 
HUMAN IGNORANCE. , 23Q 
 
 xar-. ■-' '^ ■'■■,■,..■ I . ■ " ' ~ ' ■ ■ ■1 ' 
 
 tlmt you feel none. A man born dark can 
 have no correct idea of light, nor one born 
 deaf, of sound ; but both these have their 
 peculiar feelings and experience. The one 
 beholds the beauteous frame of nature with 
 delight, and the other is charmed with the 
 sweet melody of birds. The enjoyments of 
 both are real, though neither can form a 
 just conception of the other's happiness. 
 Were they to converse together, each might 
 reason against the possibility of the other's 
 feelings, and with equal force. Now the 
 scriptures place the doctrine of experience 
 in religion on the same grounds : " The 
 natural man receiveth not the things of the 
 Spirit of God, neither indeed can he, be- 
 cause they are spiritually discerned." They 
 require, as it were, a new capacity to receive 
 them : and if you can believe the thousands 
 who were once in your state, and have had 
 this new capacity (shall I call it ?) bestowed 
 on them, they will all tell you, (each in his 
 own way,) that though they received the 
 same truths, and credited the same facts, 
 yet they know them now, not in a greater 
 
240 CHRrgTIAl? jfrsTfiRlEi. 
 
 degree only, but in a manner wholly distinct 
 and different ; and feel an influence from 
 them, more or less, of which formerly they 
 had no conception. Such is the language 
 of the New Testament, and of such as have 
 tasted of the grace of God in every age and 
 country. 
 
 These doctrines, it has been said, are. 
 strange to reason and foreign to all our 
 natural notions. This is fully admitted, for 
 they are doctrines of revelation, and those 
 truths need no divine revelation that ar& 
 con-natural to man. It must be confessed, 
 however, that there are traces of this truth 
 discernible in many parts of the world, 
 which look like the vestiges of a revelation 
 made to man in the first ages of society. 
 The doctrine of the Trinity, misunderstood 
 and misapplied, was probably the foundation 
 of Polytheism ; for error is generally a per- 
 vertion of the truth. And ^s to the atone- 
 ment, have not all nations sought to propi- 
 tiate the Deity by sacrifices ? and in many 
 cases by human sacrifices ? And whence 
 f:puld thjs rite, so abhorrent to hurnaa 
 
DIVINE INFLUENCES. 241 
 
 nature, be so likely to originate as in a tra- 
 dition obscured by time, and depraved by 
 ignorance, that the sin of man must be 
 atoned in human nature ! 
 
 But we do not build our faith upon con- 
 jecture. We believe these doctrines on the 
 authority of God's word, and here we rest. 
 We receive not these truths from men, nor 
 do we want to clothe them in " the words 
 which man's wisdom teacheth." 
 
 To the third doctrine (that of Divine In- 
 fluences) it is particularly objected, that it 
 opens the door to enthusiasm, and is liable 
 to be abused. But this is no argument 
 against its truth, for all practical truths are 
 thus liable : nor are the consequences to be 
 dreaded. That I feel the evil of sin, and 
 derive secret consolation from the in- 
 fluences of the Spirit, cannot injure you ; 
 and if I am deceived, the consequences 
 aflect myself alone. Were I indeed to 
 pretend that the "Spirit had sent me to yon 
 with some new revelation, and required you 
 to submit to it, you would have a right to 
 ask for my credentials, and require proofs 
 M 
 
1142 GRACE FREE. 
 
 similar to those which sanctioned the first 
 propagation of the Gospel. 
 
 But the grand objection to this doctrine 
 lies in the subjects of it, as implying a dis- 
 crimination in the Divine Being highly of- 
 fensive to human pride. That / should 
 feel it, and not you — Peter the fisherman, 
 and not the Rabbi Nicodemus — here lies 
 the difficulty. The equal rights of man 
 are maintained at the expence of divine 
 sovereignty 1 And thus vain philosophy 
 contends ; but this is not the Gospel, the 
 very foundation of which is laid in this 
 principle, that man has no claim upon the 
 grace of God. The gifts which Messiah 
 bestows are as free as the rain ; and the in- 
 fluences of his Spirit as uncontroulable as 
 Lthe wind, which whispers among the leaves, 
 or tears up the roots of the forest, as he 
 pleases to command. In the world of 
 nature this is admitted, and the Almighty 
 is allowed to command the seas and the 
 skies, but not the human heart. He is suf- 
 fered to distribute his showers and his sun- 
 ;ihine at pleasure, but not the influences of 
 
DIVINE MYSTERIES. 243 
 
 his grace. And what does this mean, but 
 that we have a claim upon him, and a right 
 to say that He ought not to convert another 
 and pass me by ? But, " O man ! who 
 art thou that repliest against God?" All 
 his dispensations have this direct tendency 
 — to humble the creature at the feet of his 
 Creator — to humble the sinner at the feet 
 of his Redeemer. And no hope is there in 
 the Gospel for the salvation of one indi- 
 vidual, who does not cast himself down at 
 the footstool of mercy, with a full con- 
 viction that he deserves to perish, and can 
 be saved by grace alone. 
 
 But after all, it will be said, these things 
 ^re confessedly mysterious, and are we to 
 believe doctrines which we cannot com- 
 prehend ? Most assuredly, or we must be 
 atheists : for the being of God is the great- 
 est of all mysteries. Conceive, if you can, 
 a Being who never began to be — who fills 
 all things^ and is contained no where — to- 
 whom all things are present, and nothing 
 past or future ; but who comprehends all 
 things in one view, and grasps the whole 
 M 2 
 
^44 ALL THINGS FULL OF MYSTERY. 
 
 • 
 
 creation in his hand. He that will not 
 believe mysteries must believe nothing. 
 Not only is our Maker a mysterious being 
 •—but man is a mystery to himself. " We 
 are fearfully and wonderfully made." Who 
 can comprehend his soul ? And as to the 
 body, after all the discoveries of anatomy 
 and chemistry, the first springs of the 
 animal economy are known only to our 
 Creator; and no man of real science pre- 
 tends to understand them. 
 
 Such are the objections of ancient and 
 modern infidelity to the distinguishing prin- 
 ciples of the Christian faith. Some persons 
 indeed charitably offer to remove these 
 " stumbling blocks** out of the way ; and, 
 by resigning its essential truths, to recom- 
 mend Christianitv to all the world. We 
 
 ml 
 
 may commend the benevolence and libe- 
 rality of those who would thus make our 
 religion equally palatable to Jews, Maho- 
 medans, and Pagans ; but let it be remem- 
 bered this can only be done by giving up 
 the doctrine of the cross, which is no less 
 now than formerly, and always will be, a 
 
• SPIRIT OP CHRISTIANITY. 245 
 
 Stumbling block to Jews, and an offence to 
 Gentiles. You may indeed make converts, 
 as the Jesuits in many instances have done, 
 by assimilating Christianity to heathenism, 
 but you assume more of heathenism your- 
 self, than yon impart of Christianity to 
 them. You stab Christianity to the vitals, 
 and then disembowel her; and when you 
 have filled her breathless frame with a few 
 rites and ceremonies, you exhibit ^^ the 
 form of godliness without the power." It 
 may do well enough for an idol to Pagans 
 and nominal Christians — but it is Christi* 
 anity no more. 
 
 II. We now come to consider a second 
 class of objections to Christianity on which 
 this charge of insanity is founded — namely, 
 those derived from the genuine temper and 
 spirit of the Gospel — and in answer to 
 each of these I hope to prove, that we are 
 " not mad, but speak the words of truth 
 and soberness." 
 
 1. It is alleged, and it is admitted, that 
 genuine Christianity creates a distaste for 
 the pleasures and vanities of the world, 
 M 3 
 
546 
 
 RELIGIOUS MELANCHOLY. 
 
 and for the excesses to which they lead. 
 This creates surprise and alarm. " He 
 that departeth from evil/' saith the Prophet, 
 *^ is accounted mad.*" — " They think it 
 strange," says the Apostle, '^ that you run 
 not with them into the same excess of riot." 
 Formerly you were pleasant com])anions, 
 and revelled with them in every scene of 
 debauchery and licentiousness. But, ^^ now 
 you take no pleasure in the scenes wherein 
 you once gloried and delighted." Once you 
 Were fascinated with the charms of the 
 theatre, and the amusements of the circus. 
 You were the first to lead down the dance, 
 and " chaunted to the sound of the harp 
 and viol :" but these can charm no more. 
 "Poor melancholy thing!" said a gentle- 
 man, whose lady had been converted during 
 his absence abroad, " Poor melancholy 
 thing ! She was once the most charming 
 of M^omen, and the best of wives ; but now 
 she has no more taste for pleasuie. The 
 circles of fashion, the graces and the muses, 
 have now no charms for her; and if she is 
 
 * Isaiah, lix. 15. 
 
RELIGIOUS JOY. 24/ 
 
 persuaded to accompany us, it is to oblige 
 me, and not to gratify herself. — Her heart 
 is evidently elsewhere." 
 
 But follow the worldling and the Chris- 
 tian to their secret chambers, and hear each 
 recount the manner in which he has spent 
 his time. The former sighs over his de- 
 parted hours, and bewails their lapse ; while 
 the Christian recounts the pleasures of re- 
 tirement, and of communion with his God. 
 With his Bible before him, he exclaims^ 
 " How sweet are thy words unto my taste ! 
 yea, sweeter than honey, or the honey-comb, 
 unto my mouth. Through thy precepts I 
 get understanding, and therefore I hate 
 every false way." — Or, if he has enjoyed 
 the solemnities of public worship, " How 
 amiable are thy tabernacles, O Lord of 
 hosts ! A day in thy courts is better than a 
 thousand!" 
 
 Poor melancholy worldling ! couldst thou 
 taste these felicities, thou wouldst give thine 
 idols and thy toys, " to the owls and to the 
 bats." O when I reflect on the pleasures 
 which attend the devotion of the heart to 
 M 4 
 
248 CONTEMPT OP RICHES. 
 
 ■ " .I,., -T i -- . -— 
 
 **' ' I.I, .... - m l. J * 
 
 God, and the enjoyment of communion 
 with him, I feel my nature elevated to the 
 rank of angels, and can boldly say — " I am 
 not mad, most noble Festus ; but speak 
 forth the words of truth and soberness." 
 
 2. Christianity inspires a contempt for 
 worldly riches and secular honours ; and, 
 in certain cases, even for life itself: and 
 those whose happiness centres in these 
 things, infer hence that Christians must be 
 beside themselves. What a mysterious 
 character was Moses at the court of Egypt, 
 when he " refused to be called the son of 
 Pharoah's daughter ; and " accounted the 
 reproach of Christ greater riches than all 
 the treasures of Egypt ?" Nor less strange 
 was the conduct of Saul, who is called 
 Paul ; who, when he might probably have 
 attained a seat in the Jewish Sanhedrim; 
 or, as being born a Roman citizen, have 
 displayed his talents in the Forum ; yet 
 chose rather to run backward and forward 
 through the world, at the risk of his liberty 
 and life, to make converts to '^ one Jesus, 
 who was crucified ;" and not only to do 
 
HEROD SMITTEN. 249 
 
 this, but to glory in it as the heigh th of his 
 ambition, and to poiu* contempt on every 
 other object : " God forbid that I should 
 glory, save in the cross of Christ !" — " Yea, 
 doubtless, and I coutit all things but loss 
 for the excellency of the knowledge of 
 Christ, by which I am crucified to the 
 world, and the world to me !" 
 
 But what are the honours of the world, 
 that it is accounted so irrational to despise 
 them ? See Herod in gorgeous royalty upon, 
 his throne, and hear the cry of sycophant 
 courtiers — '^ It is the voice of a god, and 
 not of a man !" Ah, Herod ! why art thoa 
 pale and silent in a moment? It is the 
 secret stroke of an angel that hath smitten 
 him. There he lies upon the bed of death. 
 No flatterers surround him now ! Guilty, 
 loathsome, and tormented, he expires ; for- 
 saken by man, and accursed of God. 
 
 See a greater king than Herod — Bel- 
 shazzar, the son of Nebuchadnezzar, the 
 king of kings, the monarch of tiie world. 
 He made a feast for a thousand of his lords ; 
 and the sacred vessels from the temple of 
 M 5 
 
250 BELSHAZZAR SLAIN. 
 
 Jehovah shall do honour to the festal board. 
 But what aileth thee, Belshazzar? Why 
 drops the cup from thy lips ? Why smite 
 thy knees together? Oh! it is the hand- 
 writing on the wall. Thy riches have made 
 to themselves wings, and have fled away ; 
 and all thy boasted honours are gone with 
 them — and the angel of death standeth at 
 the door. " In that night was Belshazzar, 
 king of the Chaldeans, slain." 
 
 3, Christianity confesses a tenderness of 
 conscience, wholly unaccountable to the 
 w^orld. There is no harm, say they, in a 
 little mirth — in a little gallantry ! And 
 '^ so they wrap it up." But the Christian 
 exclaims, with Joseph, " How can I do 
 this great wickedness, and sin against 
 God !'* The young Patriarch appeared, no 
 doubt, a perfect ideot to the licentious wife 
 of Potiphar. 
 
 So it was argued in the heathen world. 
 " What harm is there,*' said the Procon- 
 sul, " in swearing by the life of Caesar, or 
 throwing a little incense upon the altar ?'* 
 And so modern Casuists have taught us, 
 
NONCONFORMITY TO THE WORLD. 251 
 
 that he who goes to Rome must do as they 
 do at Rome. But this is not the doctrine 
 of Christianity, the spirit of which says, 
 " Touch not ; taste not ; handle not." — 
 " Eighty and six years," said the venerable 
 Polycarp, " have I now served Christ, and 
 he has never done me any wrong; how 
 then can I blaspheme my King and Sa- 
 viour r" 
 
 4. There are other Christian virtues which 
 come in for their share of heathen obloquy 
 and ridicule : meekness, long-suffering, pa- 
 tience, humility. These are not in the list of 
 this world's virtues ; they mark the followers 
 of the Lamb. " He is mad, and hath a devil," 
 said the malicious Pharisees;" and if they 
 call the master Beelzebub, what must be 
 expected by the servants ? Meekness, hu- 
 mility, and patience, however, are not the 
 characters of madness. 
 
 But Christianity, it may be said, demands 
 sacrifices too great for mortal strength ; to 
 " cut off a right hand,'* and " pluck out 
 a right eye," in the service of religion. And 
 what if this were literally intended — would 
 M 6 
 
252 
 
 BELF-DENIAL. 
 
 it not be better to enter into eternal life halt 
 or maimed, than^ having two eyes and two 
 hands, to be cast into hell fire ?'' The poor 
 Hindoo devotees will sacrifice both hands 
 and both eyes, and even life itself, to the 
 honour of their idols, and to obtain the 
 paradise of fools. But Christianity requires 
 no such sacrifices. Self-denial is indeed 
 the doctrine of the cross ; and God forbid 
 yve should attempt to remove that reproach, 
 wherein is our true glory. But it is only 
 "when our temporal enjoyments stand in the 
 way of our immortal interests that we are 
 called to these painful duties ; and then, he 
 who gave the precept has given also the 
 promise of support and strength. 
 
 Besides, religion calls us to sacrifice no 
 member but what is diseased or dead : and 
 who would not part with his hand to pre- 
 vent a mortification spreading up his arm ? 
 Or who would not lose an eye to save his 
 life. Do We not see such sacrifices daily, 
 and call them wise and prudent? What, 
 then, are heaven and immortal glory wor- 
 thy of no sacrifice to enjoy them ? 
 
BENEVOLENCE. 553 
 
 There was a time, indeed^ in the days of 
 martyrdom, when greater sacrifices were 
 called for ; and women and children, ani- 
 mated by divine grace, ran triumphant to 
 the stake : bat what are the privations — 
 what are the acts of self-denial required of 
 us ? Alas ! I am ashamed to glory ! We 
 are called upon to relinquish the pleasures 
 of an animal, to enjoy those of an angel ; 
 to resign the transitory riches of this world, 
 for an exceeding great and eternal weight 
 of glory ! 
 
 5. Christianity breathes a spirit of love 
 to God and benevolence to man, which to 
 the world appears enthusiasm and insanity. 
 Heathen philosophy, indeed, inculcated 
 reverence and gratitude to God, as our 
 Creator and Benefactor ; but to love him 
 with " all our heart, and soul, and mind, 
 and strength" — to love him for the purity 
 and perfection of his nature — and especially 
 to love him for the display of his infinite 
 love in the redemption of mankind — this 
 principle is peculiar to our religion, and ap- 
 pears strange and incredible to the world 
 at large. 
 
254 WORTH OF A SOUL. 
 
 Other religions have exhibited a love of 
 proselytisin, and the philosophers were al- 
 ways anxious to increase their sects ; but to 
 seek the conversion of men for their sakes, 
 and not for ours — to make converts to truth 
 and religion, and not to our little party — 
 this is the glory of Christianity. And it is 
 a remarkable feature of this religion, that it 
 regards men as men, and considers the souls 
 of the poor of equal value with those of the 
 rich. The heathen sages sought their dis- 
 ciples among the higher classes of society, 
 and despised the idea of making converts 
 among the slaves and lowest orders of man- 
 kind. Not so Christ and his apostles. The 
 Master taught that one soul (though of a 
 slave) was worth a world ; and the disciples 
 counted not their lives dear in the great 
 work of conversion. Even in modern times, 
 we have seen men of talents, and capable of 
 shining in the higher ranks of society — we 
 have seen such men cross seas and deserts, 
 and devote their whole lives to tbe service 
 of negro slaves, of Hottentots, and of the 
 meanest caste of the Hindoos. And what is 
 their reward ? In the present life, indeed, 
 
ENTHUSIASM. 1255 
 
 they have nothing to expect but reproach 
 and ridicule — to be esteemed the wildest of 
 enthusiasts. 
 
 But why ? Should we not apportion our 
 zeal and energy according to the importance 
 of the objects we pursue ? Do the avari- 
 cious pursue wealth with slow and tardy 
 steps, and shall we thus seek the true 
 riches ? Do men of ambition seek fame 
 and honour with a cold indifference ? Why 
 then should we be cold and indifferent to 
 the honours which come from God r Talk 
 to men of taste and science and virtu, as it 
 is called, to be calm and torpid in their 
 admiration of the beautiful, the elegant, 
 and the sublime ; but talk not to the Chris- 
 tian of such feelings in the admiration of 
 infinite excellence — in the pursuit of im- 
 mortal happiness — in the contemplation of 
 eternal glory. 
 
 What then ? is it the mark of a sound 
 mind to spend all its energies on trifles, and 
 to treat eternity with indifference ? O ye 
 sons of men, ^^ Wherefore do ye spend your 
 money for that which is not breads and your 
 
236 
 
 ANTICIPATIONS OP HEAVEN. 
 
 labour for that which satisfieth not?" Why 
 spend all your exertions on the vanities of 
 this temporal life, and reserve none for the 
 future immortal interests of the soul ? O 
 worse than madness ! worse than idolatry I 
 thus to prefer earth to heaven — a moment 
 to eternity ! 
 
 6. Christianity elevates the mind to hea- 
 ven, and affords anticipations of future 
 blessedness. Such was the. language of our 
 Apostle : " For we know that if our earthly 
 house of this tabernacle were dissolved, we 
 have an house, not made with hands, eter- 
 nal in the heavens. For in this we groan 
 earnestly, desiring to be clothed upon with 
 our house which is from heaven : — desiring 
 rather to be absent from the body, and to 
 be present with the Lord." 
 
 Mankind, in general, flatter themselves 
 with the hope of heaven as a state of rest 
 from pain and trouble ; but, alas ! they con- 
 sider not, that without the change which 
 they so loudly deprecate, even heaven would 
 afford no blessedness to them. There they 
 rest, it is true, from their labours and their 
 
THE CONtRAST. 267 
 
 sufferings ; but they rest not from their be- 
 loved exercise — for " they cease not, day 
 iior night, saying, Holy, holy, holy is the 
 Lord God Almighty." 
 
 Think, Christian, what would be your 
 misery, were you condemned to hear for 
 ever the song of the drunkard, and were the 
 names of Bacchus and Venus to be eternally 
 ringing in your ears : and, O ye children of 
 Vice and Infidelity, no less terrible would 
 it be to you, to hear for ever the praises of a 
 holy and a righteous God, and the honours 
 of the bleeding Lamb. You know not your 
 own hearts ; but could you hear this in 
 the present state of your minds, you would 
 curse the name of Jesus, and " blaspheme 
 the God of heaven," while you "gnawed 
 your tongues with pain." 
 
 But the Christian anticipates with plea- 
 sure both the state and the employment of 
 the blessed. He hears from afar the shout 
 of, " Worthy is the Lamb !" and he longs 
 for that day when he shall join the universal 
 chorus, with every creature that surrounds 
 the throne. 
 
258 CHRISTIAN PRIVILEGES, 
 
 Nor is the society of heaven less the suh- 
 ject of his longing anticipations. He is 
 '^ come unto mount Sion, and unto the city 
 of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem ; 
 and to an innumerahle company of angels ; 
 to the general assemhly and church of the 
 first-born, which are written in heaven ; 
 and to God the Judge of all, and to the 
 spirits of just men made perfect, and to 
 Jesns the Mediator of the new covenant." 
 
 Thus exults the Christian ! But these 
 heavenly frames — these joyful anticipations 
 — are the ground of his accusation. The 
 man is in a delirium, and raves of God, and 
 of angels, and of heaven ! Poor man, re- 
 ligion has made him mad. 
 
 Is it needful to repel this charge ? Must 
 I justify the traveller in longing to be at 
 home ? — the exile for wishing to return to 
 his family and friends ? — the soldier in an- 
 ticipating victory and glory? O my hearers ! 
 must I not retort the charge ? You fly from 
 " the chamber where the good man meets 
 his fate," as if it were the dungeon of a 
 maniac; but follow him to the invisible 
 
CHRISTIAN TRIUMPH. 2^9 
 
 world — follow him to the bar of God, and 
 take heed lest you be found the madman, 
 And he the sane. Hark ! the Judge has 
 pronounced the sentence which 
 
 '' Assigns the sever'd throng distinct abodes." 
 " Then shall the righteous man stand 
 with great boldness before the face of such as 
 have afflicted him, and made no account of 
 his labours. When they see it they shall be 
 troubled with terrible fears, and shall be 
 amazed at the strangeness of his salvation, 
 so far beyond all that they looked for. And 
 they, repenting and groaning for anguish 
 of spirit, shall say within themselves, "This 
 was he whom we had sometimes in derision, 
 and a proverb of reproach : we fools ac- 
 counted his life MADNESS, and his end to 
 be without honour. How is he numbered 
 among the children of <jo(], and his lot is 
 among the saints !'* That your lot and 
 mine may also be among thehi, may God of 
 his infinite mercy grant, for our Redeemer's 
 sake. Amen. 
 
 END OF THE SERMON, 
 
260 
 
 THE IMPROVEMENT. 
 
 If what Bishop Burnett says be true, that 
 *^ that sermon has had a true eftect which 
 sends away an audience thoughtful and an- 
 xious to be alone" — this sermon was not in 
 vain. As we came out we took leave of our 
 friends, and hastened to our chambers :— 
 even Mr. Keen, as we were afterwards in- 
 formed, received another temporary check 
 to his vivacity and loquaciousness ; and in- 
 stead of going to spend his evening at the 
 tavern, went home, and early retired to his 
 room. His servants thought him unwell; 
 but as he appeared averse to speaking, did 
 not enquire particulars. He would in- 
 deed gladly have read the chapter from 
 which the text had been selected, but he 
 had no bible; and he had so often made a 
 ridicule of that book^ that he was ashamed 
 to enquire for one among his servants. He 
 therefore hastily retired to his chamber, but 
 not to rest ; for the little sleep he gained 
 
MR. KEEN*« CONFESSION. HSi 
 
 was broken and disturbed with the ap- 
 prehension that he was himself the fool 
 and the madman^ that he had supposed 
 others. 
 
 Suffice it at present to say, that the 
 next morning he waited on his old friend 
 Dr. Scott, and after much hesitation and 
 tmbarrassment, confessed he felt something 
 with respect to religion that he had never 
 felt before. As we have given Dr. Scott 
 the character of an excellent and judicious 
 Christian, we leave Mr. Keen at present to 
 his counsels, and pursue our narrative. 
 
 Next morning Mr. Grey informed me 
 that he was about to leave town, and began 
 to enquire if I was now satisfied of the 
 truth of his position, that mankind were 
 indeed beside themselves, and the world in- 
 sane. To this I frankly replied, that I was, 
 and was ready to confess it. Then said my 
 instructor, " I have invited a few friends 
 together this evening to take leave, and 
 expect that you will relate to them the 
 history of our adventures, and the result of 
 
262 
 
 THE ADJOURNMENT. 
 
 your convictions." I intreated my friend to 
 indulge my natural taciturnity, and take 
 upon himself that office, while I promised 
 to confess my conviction, in answer to any 
 questions he might think proper to pro- 
 pose. This point settled, Mr. Grey and I 
 separated, to transact our own private husi- 
 ness till the evening. We shall therefore 
 adjourn to our concluding scene. 
 
SEVENTH DAY. 
 
 Monday evening came, which was in- 
 tended for the parting interview, and our 
 friends assembled to the number of eight, 
 including Dr. Scott^ and his young friend, 
 Mr. Keen, who (as before observed) was 
 now almost persuaded to become a Chris- 
 tian, and has snice assumed and justified 
 the character. There were also four or 
 five gentlemen who had been present on the 
 preceding Monday, when the challenge of 
 Mr. Grey was given. 
 
 That evening was now adverted to, and 
 one and another enquired,^ if the experi- 
 ments of the preceding week had satisfied 
 me that the world was as insane as it had 
 been represented. I replied, that I was 
 
264 !rfR. grey's summary. 
 
 ''■■■' - ■ ■ I. ■ I . .. 
 
 indeed fully satisfied ; but not being quali- 
 fied to give that detail of evidence and rea* 
 soning which some of the company might 
 expect, I begged leave to refer to my friend 
 and conductor, Mr. Grey, who being now on 
 all sides called upon, began as follows : 
 
 ^^ Gentlemen, the first evening I had the 
 pleasure to spend in your company, I ex- 
 cited your surprise and no doubt incurred 
 your censure, by asserting that " all man- 
 kind are mad" — all, 1 mean, except those 
 who have been recovered by means which I 
 shall hereafter explain. On this subject I 
 might have referred to authority, and quoted 
 philosophers and fathers ; but I chose ra- 
 ther to appeal to facts, and have, as you 
 have heard, fully satisfied the gentleman 
 who accepted my challenge, and has ac- 
 companied me for this week past, that man- 
 kind are really as insane as I had repre- 
 sented them. To prevent mistakes, how- 
 ever, before I proceed farther, I beg leave 
 to repeat what I then premised, that I do 
 not mean to say mankind in genera,! are S9 
 
NATURE OF INSANITY. 
 
 265 
 
 insane that they cannot conduct the com- 
 mon business of human life; nor that they 
 cannot overreach, defraud, and even destroy 
 one another. Their mania is of a moral 
 nature, and these very instances will be 
 brought in proof of my position. 
 
 Neitlier do I consider their madness as 
 of such a nature as to furnish an excuse for 
 their conduct : alas ! no ; this madness is 
 their sin ; and their crime is, that vs'ith all 
 the abilities of doing right, they are per- 
 petually doing wrong. 
 
 It is not easy to define Insanity, Neither 
 metaphysicians, nor medical men, are a- 
 greed in any established definition of Mad- 
 ness. To me it appears that it is often not 
 so much a deficiency in the powers of rea- 
 soning, as a false conception of th» objects 
 on which such persons reason. A man who 
 supposes his limbs to be made of glass or 
 china, is perfectly consistent in the most 
 scrupulous care respecting them. Another 
 who thinks he hears a voice from heaven, 
 enjoining some criminal or absurd action, is 
 deceived by that foreign impulse, and not 
 
 N 
 
266 
 
 MORAL INSANITY. 
 
 by his own conclusions. So a third, who 
 may be afflicted with melancholy or de- 
 spair, forms a false conception of his situa- 
 tion, on which that despair is founded. 
 
 Something analogous to this obtains in 
 moral madness. — Men form wrong con- 
 ceptions of themselves, and a false estimate 
 of the surrounding objects. They listen to 
 the delusions of our spiritual enemies, and 
 act under the influence of corrupt and de- 
 praved passions. They dream of evils 
 which exist only in their own imagination, 
 and are insensible to the real dangers which 
 threaten them. But to make myself more 
 easily and fully understood, I shall apply 
 these observations to the various classes of 
 mankind, and illustrate their truth by re- 
 ference to the facts and circumstances which 
 my friend and I have had the opportunity 
 of observing in the preceding week ; and 
 in order to methodize my observations I 
 shall divide the world into several classes :— 
 The busy, the gay, the political, the lite- 
 rary, and the religious world. 
 
 l.The BUSY world comprises several sub- 
 divisions of mankind — the husbandman— 
 
THE HUSBANDMAN. 
 
 267 
 
 the manufacturer — the tradesman, and the 
 merchant. 
 
 Of all professions that of husbandry is 
 the most important: "the king himself is 
 served by the field ;" and the husbandman 
 is the benefactor of his country. No man 
 <jan exceed him in the wisdom and industry 
 discovered in his profession. He is an ob- 
 server of times and seasons, and a great 
 part of his skill lies in the timing of his 
 work, and the adjusting of his crops to the 
 most proper soils. And yet on the most 
 important of all subjects how great is fre- 
 quently his infatuation ! He knows that 
 ^' men do not gather figs of thorns, nor 
 grapes of thistles ;" that cockle seed will 
 not produce barley, nor tares wheat ; but 
 that " what a man soweth that shall he also 
 reap ;" yet they " sow to the flesh, and 
 expect to reap eternal life.'" They know 
 that in the present life they are tenants at 
 will only, and liable to be ejected by Death 
 without a minute's warning; yet are they 
 laying farm to farm, and field to field ; pul- 
 ling down their barns that they may build 
 N 2 
 
268 
 
 THE MANUFACTURER. 
 
 greater, and cheering themselves in this 
 language, " Soul, take thine ease, thou hast 
 goods laid up for many years ;" until at last 
 this voice is heard suddenly from heaven — 
 " Thou fool ! thou madman ! this night is 
 thy soul required of thee !" 
 
 Much commendation is due to the in- 
 genuity of our manufacturers, and upon the 
 whole to their industry : and it is greatly to 
 be regretted that they should ever be op- 
 pressed. But I am sorry to say their cha- 
 racter is not uniform : too many give way 
 to indolence and intemperance, and impose 
 on themselves heavier taxes than are le- 
 vied by any government upon earth. The 
 man who plays one day in a week (say St. 
 Monday) pays an income tax of l6 per cent, 
 or one-sixth of his whole earnings ; he that 
 plays two days, pays above thirty per cent ; 
 and one that plays three days, as many do, 
 pays 50 per cent, or full half his income. 
 Besides all this he pays a tax to the pub- | 
 lican, for he requires more beer at play than 
 at work; and a tax to the pawnbroker, 
 which certainly is not a light one. Thus 
 
THE MECHANIC. 
 
 269 
 
 he ruins his character and his constitution ; 
 clothes himself with rags, and starves his 
 family or drives them to the workhouse. 
 Yet these men are the loudest in complain- 
 ing of the times and of the taxes; are they 
 not therefore evidently insane ? 
 
 There are, however, many among the 
 working classes who are neither idle nor ex- 
 travagant. They labour six days in the week, 
 perhaps seven, for " the meat which perish- 
 eth;" but seek not that which " en dureth 
 to everlasting life." They spend all their 
 strength and time in providing for their 
 bodies and their families, but never think 
 of providing for another world ; and yet if 
 you talk with these people they will all 
 acknowledge that they are mortal, and 
 generally confess their belief in a future and 
 eternal state. Are not these men mad ? 
 
 Ascending higher, we find the same 
 charge unhappily applies to the great body 
 of our tradesmen and merchants. No men 
 living are more anxious than they are to 
 obtain wealth, of which they cannot insure 
 possession for a moment ; and even in the 
 N 3 
 
^70 THE MERCHANT. 
 
 last stage of life we have seen the Jew and 
 the Quaker merchant trying to outwit each 
 other, as they were passing into eternity. 
 We see instances, almost daily, of persons 
 cut off from their riches, or of those riches 
 making to them " wings to fly away;'* and 
 yet we take no care to make friends of 
 this " mammon of unrighteousness," as our 
 Lord advises, by employing it in doing 
 good. 
 
 Many pride themselves upon their skill 
 and accuracy in calculation, particularly in 
 the value of lives and leases ; and yet they 
 set little or no value upon everlasting life, 
 and take less pains to procure it, than they 
 would to obtain a seven years' lease of any 
 valuable earthly premises. They must see, 
 by events continually before their eyes, that 
 Death, not unfrequently, gives no warning ; 
 and when he does, a sick bed seldom affords 
 the opportunity of preparation : that acute 
 disease prevents calm reflection, and fevers 
 are frequently attended with delirium ; and 
 even when patients are perfectly capable of 
 reflection, their friends often deceive them 
 
f HE GAY WORLD. 2/1 
 
 as to the state of their disorder, or medical 
 men lull them with opium to insensibility. 
 
 Now let us lay these circumstances to- 
 gether. To sow one crop, and expect to 
 reap another essentially different — to com- 
 plain of taxes, and far more heavily to tax 
 ourselves— to build all our happiness on the 
 uncertain tenure of a moment, and to prefer 
 the trifles of time to the riches of eternity — 
 in fine, to defer the most important business 
 in the world, to the most uncertain, the 
 most improper time — these are instances of 
 insanity far more decisive than blanket 
 robes and straw sceptres, and all the usual 
 paraphernalia of derangement. So much 
 for the busy world. What shall we say to, 
 
 2d, The GAY and fashionable world ? Our 
 Lord directs us to '' work while it is day ;" 
 but these people, as if they took pleasure 
 in contradicting all the ordinances of hea- 
 ven, invert the order of nature ; and are 
 never so happy as when the shortness of 
 the day almost excludes them from the light 
 of heaven. 
 
 No people upon earth express more deli- 
 
 N 4 
 
2T2 
 
 KILLING TIME. 
 
 cacy in respect of health, and yet none are 
 more inventive in the arts of destroying it. 
 They know that air and exercise are the 
 great preservatives of the constitution, and 
 yet they seldom move but in warm and soft 
 carriages, admirably calculated to breed the 
 gout; and if at any time they venture into 
 the air for their amusement, it is generally 
 the chill air of evening, empoisoned with the 
 smoke of artificial illuminations — to say no- 
 thing of the corrupt and pestilential vapours 
 of the ball-room or the play-house. 
 
 But these are only minor instances of 
 their insanity : in the most important con- 
 cerns they are most irrational. The in- 
 dustrious mechanic, and the assiduous 
 tradesman, plead the want of time to me- 
 ditate on their spiritual concerns ; but these 
 people have so much time upon their hands, 
 that all their ingenuity is employed kill it, 
 as they generally express themselves. For 
 this purpose they sleep more than half their 
 lives ; and when they have arisen, which is 
 seldom before the sun has passed his zenith, 
 they accustom themselves to dress, (if it 
 
Fashionable diversions. ^7^ 
 
 may be called dress, when its perfection, 
 as respects the more delicate sex, seems to 
 lie in its approach to nudity; — they accustom 
 themselves to dress) several times in the 
 day, in order to fill up their time. When 
 night comes, they sit down to eat and to 
 drink, frequently to excess, which becomes 
 the more dangerous, from their having so 
 little exercise ; and afterwards they attempt 
 to amuse themselves with cards, fancifully 
 spotted — a diversion invented for the relief 
 of a royal maniac, and certainly very well 
 adapted for the purpose. Or else they 
 hire buffoons, fidlers, and posture masters, 
 to make them merry, (poor things !) when 
 they are the greatest objects of pity, and 
 compassion in the world. 
 
 Again, these people, ignorant as they 
 are (and often they are extremely ignorant, 
 even of the present world,) must know that 
 they are born to die, and that death cannot 
 be avoided. Yet, notwithstanding they have 
 so much time upon their hands, and are so 
 much troubled to get rid of it, they never 
 think of preparing for the event ; but the 
 N 5 
 
27^ ^^ ANECDOTE. 
 
 sight of death, or a sick bed, strikes them 
 with so much terror, that they fly the house^ 
 and seldom stop to perform the last offices 
 of humanity for their nearest relatives. And 
 when the fatal event has taken place, in- 
 stead of showing their love and respect by 
 attending the remains of their kindred to 
 the tomb, they leave this to servants and 
 domestics. O happy they ! could they as 
 easily avoid the king of terrors, when he is 
 sent to execute his warrant on themselves. 
 
 Many years since a nobleman of the 
 above description died, and the domestics 
 consoled themselves that their master was 
 certainly gone to heaven ; but his fool (for 
 then the wisest men were called fools, as 
 they are now considered madmen ; — his 
 fool) said " No ! he was certain his master 
 was not gone so far ; for he had made no 
 preparation, and he was always used to 
 make great preparations when he had to go a 
 journey." Upon this principle we may well 
 conclude, these people do not mean to go to 
 heaven ; for they not only never make 
 preparations for such a journey, but they 
 
CONVIVIALITY. 2*[ 5 
 
 actually pursue the contrary road ; and bell 
 itself would scarcely be more terrible to 
 tbeir imagination, than that state of perfect 
 purity, and perpetual devotion, which con- 
 stitutes the Christian heaven. 
 
 But to see these people in tbeir true co- 
 lours, we must view them in their convivial 
 moments, when they have thrown off re- 
 straint, and converse freely. Then they 
 imprecate upon themselves, and each other, 
 every possible mischief in this world, and 
 eternal damnation in the next — ^until at 
 length they attain the height of tbeir feli- 
 city, and fall dead drunk upon the floor ; 
 exhibiting a scene of noise, confusion, and 
 blasphemy, which has no parallel in Bed- 
 lam or St. Luke's. Surely I need not put 
 the question — Are not these people also 
 morally insane ? 
 
 3. Little need be said to prove the mad- 
 ness of the POLITICAL world, which has 
 long been generally admitted ; and indeed 
 it seems otherwise impossible to account for 
 the many strange events of the present age. 
 The caprice of tyrants, the intrigues of 
 n6 
 
 I 
 
276 
 
 THE POLITICAL WORLD. 
 
 statesmen, and the rage of conquerors, are 
 evidences full in point. In the latter the 
 fact is fully admitted, from " the Grecian 
 madman to the Swede," and from the 
 Swedish madman to the Corsican. But for 
 political madness we need go no farther 
 than a general election, where we often find 
 independent gentlemen spending half their 
 patrimony, to obtain the unbiassed suffrage 
 of the electors, in order to procure a seat 
 in a certain house, where they will seldom 
 sit, or sit for very little purpose : and what is 
 still more strange, men of benevolent prin- 
 ciples, and moral habits, will sometimes 
 intoxicate a whole town, and throw it into 
 a state of riot and confusion, for the public 
 good, which, to be sure, in their proper senses 
 they would never do : a specimen of this 
 we saw the other day in passing through 
 Covent Garden, where liberty was honoured 
 by the violation of every principle of justice 
 and good order. As to political skill, how 
 little of that goes to constitute a modern 
 politician, we saw, said Mr. Grey, looking 
 toward me, in the instance of the militia 
 
THE LITERARY WORLD. ^^^ 
 
 captain who undertook to direct the navy, 
 and in the naval lieutenant who criticized 
 the operations of the army — at the City 
 Coffee-house. 
 
 4. The LITERARY world has often be- 
 trayed strong symptoms of insanity: witness 
 Lauderdale's Attack on Milton — Rowley's 
 Poems — and the Shaksperian Manuscripts. 
 But this is a point which need not be la- 
 boured : the first literary authority has de- 
 cided it: 
 
 " Great wits to madness nearly are allied : 
 
 *' How thin partitions do their bounds divide !" 
 
 Some literary men, however, have not the 
 madness of genius; but a much worse in- 
 sanity. How often have literary men de- 
 voted their talents to the cause of vice, and 
 sold themselves to work iniquity ! And 
 when their studies have not been criminal, 
 how generally have they been trifling in the 
 extreme ! A doubtful reading, or an obscure 
 phrase in Homer or in Virgil, has occupied 
 a host of critics, while the book of truth 
 
27S LITERARY FOLLIES. 
 
 and life has not been opened. Men in the 
 last stage of disease have amused them- 
 selves with the drama; or, while under 
 sentence of death have written notes on 
 Shakespear. Alas ! do not these learned 
 men know that they have souls ; or have 
 they voted, like their brethren at Paris, 
 that Death is an eternal sleep ? 
 
 Generally speaking, literature and science 
 are as much articles of trade as any other ; 
 and the first talents in the country are 
 brought to market, as we saw at the Lite- 
 rary Coffee-house, where an author and a 
 bookseller abused each other like the lawyer 
 and apothecary in the city. 
 
 Sometimes, indeed, talents are contracted 
 for by the prime minister, ok the leader of 
 opposition, to support a party ; and at others, 
 they are disposed of to defend some de- 
 bauched patron, or to afford loose or pro- 
 fane amusement at some theatre of dissipa- 
 tion. Seldom, alas! are talents considered . 
 as a depositum which must be accounted 
 for another day, and in another world. 
 
THE RELIGIOUS WORLD. 279 
 
 5. We come, lastly, to the religious 
 world. And who are the insane persons 
 here ? 
 
 Are not those insane whose religion con- 
 sists merely in external ceremonies, and 
 who think to please a God of infinite purity^ 
 and wisdom by counting beads and saying 
 prayers, when they do not even wish to 
 receive the things they ask for, except it be 
 temporal prosperity ? and this they never 
 look for from above. What should we say 
 to a beggar who came to ask an alms, if he 
 were to look twenty different ways, and 
 count his buttons all the while ? Surely 
 the most charitable idea we could form of 
 this man would be, that he is a maniac. 
 
 And what shall we say of those who put 
 on the mask of hypocrisy merely to serve 
 their worldly interests ? Do they think 
 they can impose upon their Maker ? If so, 
 they must be ideots. If not, they must be 
 maniacs, thus to play the fool in matters of 
 infinite concern. The world in general 
 would like them better without the sem- 
 blance of religion ; and we all know that 
 
280 SPECULATISTS. 
 
 God detests no character so much as he 
 does that of a hypocrite. 
 
 Those who place their whole religion in 
 speculaHon only^ without Christian practice 
 or experience, show evident traces of the 
 same malady. Some place all their religion 
 in hearing sermons, and in talking about 
 preachers ; but were I to show you a crea- 
 ture with nothing human but its ears or 
 tongue, would you call that a man ? As 
 little does hearing, or talking, constitute 
 a Christian. Wherefore are we endued 
 with understanding ? The only reward we 
 can expect for knowing our Master's will, 
 if we do it not, is to be beaten with many 
 stripes instead of few. Such unhappy per- 
 sons appear to be like certain other ma- 
 niacs, under a kind of moonshine inspira- 
 tion, which indeed affects the head, but 
 does not warm the heart. 
 
 A third class of religious maniacs are the 
 merit-mongers, who, by their good works 
 and kind intentions, wish to purchase apart^ 
 ments in the celestial mansions. Were an 
 unhappy Bedlamite to offer a few straws for 
 
MERIT-MONGERS. 281 
 
 a purse of gold, you would pity his dis- 
 ordered intellect ; yet there is some pro- 
 portion, though but a remote one, between 
 the intrinsic value of straw and of gold ; 
 but what proportion can there be in the 
 value of moral and religious duties, (full of 
 imperfection at the best,) and that "exceed- 
 ing great and eternal weight of glory,'* 
 which is the promised reward of Chris- 
 tians ? 
 
 But if it be absurd to expect heaven for 
 our good deeds, what shall we say to those 
 who expect to obtain it for their bad ones ? 
 I am not now speaking of those heroes and 
 conquerors, whose fame is built on the de- 
 struction of half their species ; nor of those 
 religious zealots, who think they deserve 
 well of their Maker, for murdering his meek 
 and humble followers. No : I refer rather 
 to those who squeeze and oppress their poor 
 labourers and dependants — first to raise an 
 estate for themselves and children, and then 
 to make an offering to the Most High — it 
 may be to endow an alms-house, or to build 
 a chapel. If the hire of an harlot was an 
 
58 3 MOTIVES OF CHARITY. 
 
 abomination to the Lord, and his soul de- 
 tested robbery for a burnt-offering — with 
 what language will the great God resent 
 the charity and benevolence of rich op- 
 pressors of the poor ? " Go to now, ye rich 
 men, weep and howl for the miseries which 
 shall come upon you !" 
 
 But in exposing the criminality of these 
 persons, I had almost forgotten their ab- 
 surdity. Such must either suppose their 
 motives and conduct to be a secret from the 
 Most High, or that he is altogether as in- 
 different to equity and justice as themselves. 
 They are either morally insane, or literally 
 ideots. 
 
 But Avhat carries this farce to the acm6 
 of absurdity is, that these people generally 
 reserve their charity till it can be called 
 their's no longer — I mean when they come 
 to die. Then, perhaps to be revenged of a 
 relation who has offended them — or, be- 
 cause they have no relations, and have so 
 conducted themselves in the world as to 
 have procured no friends — for some or all of 
 these reasons they divide their substance to 
 
SUPERSTITIOUS AUSTERITIES. 283 
 
 this religions society, and the other benevo- 
 lent institution — in hopes, perad venture, to 
 merit that heaven in which their unsanc- 
 tified nature must be miserable, if they 
 could be admitted. Unhappy maniacs ! 
 
 Another class of religionists rest their 
 hopes of future happiness on the portion of 
 misery they sustain in this. They argue, 
 surely God will not suffer his creatures to 
 be miserable in both worlds ; but if vice 
 and misery are companions, as we often 
 find them, then the most vicious characters 
 have the strongest claim on future happi- 
 ness. Others, fearing their afflictions might 
 not be sufficient to insure their happiness, 
 become self-tormentors, and think to re- 
 commend themselves to heaven, by making 
 themselves as miserable as possible on earth. 
 Thus, the poor heathen Hindoos practice 
 swinging and other tortures, of whose moral 
 insanity I suppose no question will be made ; 
 and those who flatter themselves that the 
 Almighty will be pleased with their morti- 
 fications and fastings, without moral purity 
 and integrity, differ only from the former, 
 
284 
 
 RELIGIOUS INSANITY. 
 
 by thinking to purchase heaven upon more 
 easy terms ; and are therefore more, instead 
 of less insane. 
 
 Moral insanity, however, puts on so many 
 forms, and is attended with so great a va- 
 riety of symptoms, that it is in vain for me 
 to attempt to trace them all. As it respects 
 the religious world, I consider all those to 
 be insane, who expect to be saved in any 
 other way than what God has appointed in 
 his word. This I have no wish to narrow, 
 by confining it to any of the little sects or 
 parties into which good Christians are un- 
 happily divided ; nor dare I attempt to 
 widen it to embrace the vicious or unbe- 
 lieving — the merit-monger or the hypocrite. 
 All are morally insane; and if they attain 
 to heaven or happiness, it must be by the 
 skill and kindness of the great Phj^sician of 
 souls, who can alone effect their cure. 
 
 Having now traced this moral disease 
 through a variety of cases and symptoms, 
 it may be expected that I should moralize 
 a little upon the cause. 
 
 Some have been of opinion, that lunacy. 
 
D.EMONGLOGY. 285 
 
 in all its forms, is the result of demoniacal 
 possession. So thought that ingenious phi- 
 losopher Andrew Baxter,* and many olhers. 
 They argue that^ though a defect in the 
 material organs might account sufficiently 
 for a defect of intellect, and produce ideotcy, 
 it could never account for that surprising 
 quickness and energy of mind, which insane 
 persons often display. They plead also the 
 authority of the New Testament, which 
 applies to demoniacs all the symptoms of 
 lunacy. And without entering into the 
 general subject of daemonology, as it re- 
 spects this moral mania J confess there 
 are strong circumstances in favour of the 
 hypothesis. 
 
 One reason for suspecting these persons 
 of being under diabolical influence is, that 
 their language often is infernal. They de- 
 light to talk of hell, the devil, and damna- 
 tion. Devilish is a favourite epithet on all 
 occasions. Their wine is devilish good, but 
 it is devilish dear, or they have devilish bad 
 
 * Essay on the Soul, 3 vols. 8v©. 
 
286 
 
 POSSESSION. 
 
 accommodations. I need not go farther in 
 this fashionable nomenclature. Those who 
 have the misfortune to live among such 
 people will recollect a variety of these in- 
 fernal adjectives^ which apply equally to 
 every object, good or bad ; and if their own 
 confession be of any weight, they will tell 
 you frankly that the devil is in them. 
 
 A farther proof of their being under in- 
 fernal influence might be deduced from 
 their love of darkness, and their delight in 
 cruelty, revenge, and blood. Surely we may 
 well say of them, as was said of a more 
 sober kind of people, " Ye are of your fa- 
 ther the devil, and his works ye do." But 
 the Scriptures are in many places express 
 to this point : '^ The god of this world hath 
 blinded the eyes of them that believe not — 
 they are led captive by Satan at his will." 
 
 In the history of this disease, should we 
 be required to trace its origin, we must refer 
 back to that 
 
 " Forbidden fruit, which brought 
 " Death into the world, and all our woe." 
 
FORBIDDEN FRUIT. 287 
 
 There can be no doubt but that fruit 
 which was forbidden by our benevolent 
 Creator, who gave to our first parents, this 
 only excepted, " all things richly to enjoy," 
 contained a mortal poison, and was of a 
 highly deleterious and intoxicating quality : 
 hence it so immediately deranged their un- 
 derstanding, that they attempted to hide 
 themselves from the eyes of Omniscience 
 among the trees of the garden. Every age 
 since has afforded a thousand similar in- 
 stances ; but the highest possible demon- 
 stration of the '^moral madness of mankind 
 is, that when the supreme Being sent his 
 own Son into the world to save them, they 
 crucified him. Thus, indeed, they accom- 
 plished the end they would willingly have 
 defeated ; and it does not appear .that, in 
 the hour of our redemption, there was a 
 single human being that understood the 
 plan — much less that concurred in the de- 
 sign. His enemies thought they had frus- 
 trated his designs, and his own disciples 
 were alarmed and distressed with the same 
 idea. 
 
288 
 
 THE GOOD PHYSICIAN. 
 
 My design is not, however, to aggravate 
 human misery. You may suspect that I 
 wish to represent the state of mankind as 
 desperate and hopeless ; and you may be 
 ready to take up the lamentation of the 
 prophet, and to say — " Is there no balm 
 in Gilead ? Is there no physician there ?" 
 Blessed be God, there is ; and if you will 
 permit me to recommend him to you — 
 there is one physician, and one only^ who 
 can perform the cure. This good Physician 
 has cured thousands, and continues to cure 
 all who apply to him ; and, what may be 
 thought extraordinary, he not only pre- 
 scribes gratis, but administers his remedies 
 '' without money, and without price." 
 
 As nothing, however, gives so great en- 
 couragement to patients as the report of 
 others who have been in the same situation, 
 and met with relief or cure, I shall present 
 you with a few cases of indubitable autho- 
 rity, which will, I hope, induce you to 
 apply -to this good Physician of souls. 
 
 Zaccheus, the Jew, for the sake of gain, 
 accepted the office of tax-gatherer to the 
 
THE CONVERTED PUBLICAN. 289 
 
 Romans, and made his office the more 
 odious to his countrymen, by the oppressive 
 manner in which he executed it. Indeed 
 he was mad after riches ; and though he 
 professed a religion which enjoined the 
 most perfect equity, he paid no regard to 
 any of its precepts which stood in the way 
 of his amassing wealth. One day, however, 
 he heard that this good Physician was about 
 to pass at no great distance from his resi- 
 dence, and felt a great desire to see him. 
 For this end, being short of stature, and 
 unable to look over the shoulders of the 
 crowd, he climbed a tree which stood by 
 the way side ; but how was he surprised, 
 when he heard this good Physician say, as 
 he passed by him, " Zaccheus, come down ; 
 for I must dine at thine house to-day !" 
 r)own he came ; his covetous heart was 
 instantly enlarged ; and he ran home to 
 prepare a liberal entertainment for his un- 
 expected guests. On this occasion he made 
 a full confession of his covetousness, and 
 spontaneously promised the restitution by 
 Q 
 
290 THE PRODIGAL REFORMED. 
 
 the law of God prescribed to all whom he 
 had injured. 
 
 Mary Magdalene's was a most distress- 
 ing case. We read that she was possessed 
 by seven demons ; but in what manner they 
 afflicted her is not said. If, however, we 
 may judge of her sufferings by the grati- 
 tude she manifested when she obtained a 
 cure, they must have been great indeed ; for 
 she sat at the Master's feet, and bathed 
 them with her tears. 
 
 A PRODIGAL young gentleman, mentioned 
 by Luke the physician, was mad enough to 
 leave his father's house, and spend all his 
 property in riot and debauchery, till he was 
 reduced to that extreme misery that he co- 
 veted the husks on which the swine were 
 fed ; but under the care of this Physician 
 he " came to himself," repented of his folly, 
 and returned with tears and penitence to his 
 father's house, where he met with the most 
 kind reception. 
 
 Saul of Tarsus, a man of distinguished 
 talents and a learned education, was so 
 
THE BACKSLIDER RESTORED. 291 
 
 exceedingly mad with the spirit of party, 
 that he pursued the Christians of his time 
 to prison and to death : but, lo ! in the 
 heighth of his frenzy, as he was travelling 
 to Damascus, he met this good Physician, 
 who calmed him with a word^ and instantly 
 changed his heart ; so that he immediately 
 joined the people he had so bitterly hated, 
 and from their persecutor became their 
 preacher. 
 
 If it be enquired whether in these cases 
 there were no relapses, I must confess there 
 have been some melancholy ones, but none 
 beyond the skill of the good Physician to 
 recover. 
 
 David, the king of Israel, inflated with 
 prosperity, and forgetting to whom he was 
 indebted /or it, relapsed in a very awful 
 degree ; and being persuaded by the syco- 
 phants around his throne, as is too often 
 the case, that he had a right to do as he 
 pleased with bis subjects, acted in a manner 
 which greatly disgraced his character, and 
 involved him in deep distress of mind : he 
 was recovered, however, to his right mind, 
 o 2 
 
29^ THE HERO. 
 
 through the instrumentality of the prophet 
 Nathan. 
 
 Peter, the fisherman, so far forgot him- 
 self, even in the presence of his Physician, 
 as to deny^ with oaths and curses, that he 
 had ever known him ; but suddenly the 
 latter cast on him such a glance of pity and 
 compassion, as instantly recovered him ; 
 on which he went out — wept bitterly — and 
 relapsed no more. 
 
 But these instances, it may be said, oc- 
 curred a long time ago ; and are there no 
 recent ones ? No cures to which reference 
 may be made within recollection, and in the 
 present age ? Certainly innumerable ones ; 
 and I will mention a few within my own 
 knowledge, of which I can answer for the 
 facts, though it may not be delicate to 
 disclose the names. 
 
 Bravo was a hero of most desperate 
 character, and as truly mad as was the Ma- 
 cedonian or the Swede. His high spirit and 
 sense of honour (as he called it) involved 
 him in perpetual squabbles ; and he seems 
 never to have been so happy as when fight- 
 
THE INFIDEL. 293 
 
 ing — either with his friends or enemies. 
 One day, while he was swearing outrage- 
 ously in the field of battle, a bullet entered 
 his mouth, and passed through his cheek — 
 but he was mad enough to despise this, and 
 every other warning of his mortality, until 
 one day he had a very unexpected interview 
 with this good Physician, who so com- 
 pletely calmed him, that he raged no more, 
 and was ever afterwards very strongly at- 
 tached to the Author of his cure. 
 
 Lothario revelled in debauchery among 
 the higher ranks of society, where his 
 wicked wit always made his company de- 
 sired. Knowing the absolute inconsistency 
 of such a life with the profession of Chris- 
 tianity, he renounced it, and fortified 
 his mind against its threatenings by the 
 arguments of infidelity, and ridicule was 
 his coat of mail. But he fell dangerously 
 sick, and his principles failed him when 
 support was most required. He had now 
 recourse to that Bible which had been his 
 
 '* Jest-book, whence he drew 
 " His shafts to gall the Christian and the Jew.** 
 o3 
 
3^4 PECCATOR. 
 
 He read it now with different eyes and 
 another heart. It directed him to the good 
 Physician ; and though his body fell a vic- 
 tim to his early vices, his mind received 
 a perfect cure. 
 
 Never was man more criminally insane 
 than Peccator. He seemed to love vice 
 for its ugliness ; and so fond was he of pro- 
 faneness, that he exerted all his genius 
 (which was not inconsiderable) in the in- 
 vention of new and strange oaths, so that 
 he became proverbially wicked, and was 
 considered as possessed of the devil ; but 
 this good Physician perfectly dispossessed 
 him ; and he spent the remainder of his 
 days in going about to recommend him to 
 others. He also wrote a book, giving an 
 account of his cure, and inviting others to 
 apply to his beloved Physician. 
 
 AspASiA was a lady of quality, and so 
 mad after pleasure, that she made herself 
 miserable in its pursuit. Though she had 
 a carriage at command, she was daily as 
 much fatigued as a woman who goes out to 
 work, but without the advantages of air 
 
ASPASIA. 295 
 
 and exercise. In the day-time she fatigued 
 herself in dressing to receive company, or 
 to pay visits ; and in the evening often 
 risked her life by her carriage being jammed 
 in between other carriages, and was some- 
 times thrown into hysterics by the quarrels 
 of Irish chairmen and drunken coachmen. 
 Thus she pursued a round of misery, under 
 the name of pleasure, and was perpetually 
 disgusted with her amusements and enjoy- 
 ments, until one Sunday a benevolent lady 
 persuaded her to accompany her to a church, 
 where the good Physician was the chief 
 topic of discourse. Finding no relief from 
 any other quarter, she determined to try 
 his skill, and immediately on application 
 received a cure. She began now to con- 
 sider how the remnant of a life almost worn 
 out with pleasure might be turned to some 
 good account, both to herself and others. 
 She had done with routs, and operas, and 
 balls ; and devoted all her future time to 
 doing good, and to preparing for an eternal 
 world. Still she visited ; but it was the 
 sick and the afflicted ; and her favourite 
 
296 
 
 HORATIO. 
 
 amusement was, Dorcas like, to make gar- 
 ments for the poor. 
 
 The learned Horatio was a different 
 character from any of the preceding. From 
 his youth u[) his character was moral and 
 irreproachable ; and upon that he unhappily 
 founded his hopes of happiness and heaven. 
 He was not sensible of the depravity of his 
 nature, nor of the imperfect character of 
 his religious duties. He had high notions 
 of his moral rectitude, and was a believer 
 in human merit. In short, " he was whole," 
 in his own opinion, and needed no phy- 
 sician. But in reading the Scriptures, to 
 which he had been accustomed occasionally, 
 rather to admire their literary beauties, and 
 to understand them critically, than with- 
 any practical view, he was struck with 
 several circumstances that had not hitherto 
 excited his attention. 
 
 He was surprised to find the New Testa- 
 ment writers seemed to take a pleasure (as 
 it now appeared to him) in degrading hu- 
 man nature ; and he was startled to find the 
 heart of man described by the Hebrew pro- 
 
THE SAVIOUR. 29? 
 
 phet as " deceitful above all things, and 
 desperately wicked" — and by our Lord him- 
 self as the fountain of iniquity, from which 
 " proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulte- 
 ries," and every other crime. And when he 
 came to examine the moral portraits of the 
 Greeks and Romans, drawn by the Apostle 
 Paul, he was perfectly confounded, since he 
 had been accustomed to consider them as 
 models of the heroic virtues. 
 
 He had been accustomed to reverence the 
 Son of God as a great and exalted character; 
 but he had never considered him as parta- 
 king of the same divine nature with the Fa- 
 ther, and entitled to equal honours. Indeed 
 he had thought many divines blameable, in 
 confounding (as he expressed it) Jesus 
 Christ with the Deity who sent him ; but 
 when he came to read the bold and un- 
 guarded manner in which the Apostles 
 speak of him, as " the great God and our 
 Saviour;" and the manner in which they 
 ascribe to him the glory both of creation 
 and redemption, he began to suspect that he 
 must have been in an error, as their views 
 
29^ SELF-RENUNCIATION. 
 
 appeared to differ materially from bis. 
 Further, he could not comprehend what 
 they meant by the work and office of the 
 Spirit of God. He bad supposed that 
 reason and study, with a candid dispo- 
 sition, were equal to any subject on which 
 the human mind could be employed; he 
 knew not therefore what St. Paul could 
 mean in saying, the natural man cannot 
 comprehend the things of the Spirit of 
 God ; nor had he any dependance on super- 
 natural assistance. 
 
 But what more than all stumbled him 
 was, that the great Apostle decidedly re- 
 nounced all reliance on his own wisdom 
 and righteousness, placing all his confi- 
 dence on the Redeemer, and speaking of 
 him always in those terms of reverent affec- 
 tion and attachment — of love and adora- 
 tion — which his system had never hitherto 
 admitted. 
 
 These things greatly astonished him — 
 made him more indefatigable in reading 
 the Scriptures, and led him to add fervent 
 prayer for that divine illumination which 
 
THE APPLICATION. 2QQ 
 
 he now l3egan to consider necessary. He 
 perceived also a divine unction in the sacred 
 writings, to which he had been hitherto a 
 stranger — he was cured of the notions of 
 human merit, and of self-dependance, and 
 placed all his future hopes and confidence 
 in the good Physician. 
 
 It would be easy to enlarge the number 
 of cases, and of cures ; but it would be use- 
 less. Nothing now remains but the applica- 
 tion ; and you, gentlemen, will, I hope, 
 save me this most difficult part of ray dis- 
 course. I have heard of a lady who, in 
 reading a certain popular work on medicine, 
 always felt, or imagined she felt, all the 
 symptoms which the author had described. 
 Should any of my respected auditors this 
 evening be sensible that their case has been 
 described, my hope is, that they will apply 
 to the GOOD Physician which I have re- 
 commended. 
 
 The Author wishes to leave this Address 
 ^ith its full weight upon the Reader's mind. 
 
300 THE CONCLUSION. 
 
 and not to weaken it by any of his own 
 remarks. If any one wish to know what 
 effect it had on the mind of Mr. Grey*s im- 
 mediate auditory, suffice it to say, that, 
 like other sermons, it received but a partial 
 attention. Some listened with apparent 
 pleasure, particularly Mr. Keen, whose clia- 
 racter, as above remarked, was now mate- 
 rially altered, and it is hoped he will prove 
 a serious Christian. Others determined to 
 persevere in banishing all serious thoughts 
 as long as possible. Perhaps, however, 
 when these persons shall be confined to the 
 chamber of affliction — when they are visited 
 with cutting bereavements, or painful dis- 
 appointments — perhaps in the day of adver- 
 sity they may consider — -or perhaps Death 
 may call them suddenly into an eternal 
 world, without the opportunity of a mo- 
 ment's recollection, and they may bitterly 
 repent when it is too late — for ever. 
 
 THE END. 
 
 J. Oenaett, Printer, Leather Lan« , 
 Loudou. 
 
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