nia Methuen's Shilling Novels 1 The Mighty Atom Marie Corelli 2 Jane Marie Corelli 3 Boy Marie Corelli 4 Spanish Gold G. A. Birmingham 5 The Search Party G. A. Birmingham 6 Teresa of Watling Street Arnold Bennett 7 Anna ol the Five Towns Arnold Bennett 8 Fire In Stubble Baroness Orczy 9 The Unofficial Honeymoon DoIfWyllarde i o The Botor Chaperon C. N. and A. M. Williamson 1 1 Lady Betty across the Water C. N. and A. M. Williamson 1 2 The Demon C. N. and A. M. Williamson 13 The Woman with the Fan Robert Hichens 14 Barbary Sheep Robert Hichens 15 The Guarded Flame W. B. Maxwell 1 6 Hill Rise W. B. Maxwell 1 7 Joseph Frank Danby 1 8 Round the Red Lamp Sir A. Conan Doyle 19 Under the Red Robe Stanley Weyman 20 Light Freights W. W. Jacobs 21 The Gate of the Desert John Oxenham 22 The Long Road John Oxenham 23 The Missing Delora E. Phillips Oppenheim 24 Mirage E. Temple Thurston 25 The Halo Baroness von Hutten 26 The Tyrant Mrs. Henry de la Pasture 27 The Secret Woman Eden Phillpotts 28 Splendid Brother W. Pett Ridge 29 Dan Russel the Fox E. CE. Somerville and Martin Ross 30 Tales of Mean Streets Arthur Morrison 3 1 The Severins Mrs. A. Sidgwick 32 Said the Fisherman Marmaduke Pickthall 33 Virginia Perfect Peggy Webling 69 The Chink in the Armour Mrs. Belloc Lowndes 70 The Duke's Motto J. H. McCarthy 71 The Gates of Wrath Arnold Bennett 72 Short Cruises W. W. Jacobs 73 The Pathway of the Pioneer DoIfWyllarde 74 The Bad Times G. A. Birmingham 75 The Street Called Straight Basil King 79 Peter and Jane S. Macnaughtan 8 1 The Card Arnold Bennett 82 The Anglo-Indians Alice Perrin 84 The Sea Lady H. G. Wells 86 The Wild Olive Basil King 87 Lalage's Lovers G. A. Birmingham 89 The Heart of the Ancient Wood C. G. D. Roberts 90 A Change in the Cabinet Hilaire Belloc 92 White Fang Jack London 97 A Nine Days' Wonder B. M. Croker 98 Chronicles of a German Town Author of ' Marcia in Germany Methuen & Co., Ltd., 36 Essex Street, London, W.C. Methuen's Shilling Library 36 De Prof undis Oscar Wilde 37 Lord Arthur Savile's Crime Oscar Wilde 38 Selected Poems Oscar Wilde 39 An Ideal Husband Oscar Wilde 40 Intentions Oscar Wilde 41 Lady Windermere's Fan Oscar Wilde 42 Charmides and other Poems Oscar Wilde 43 Harvest Home E. V. Lucas 44 A Little of Everything E. V. Lucas 45 Vailima Letters Robert Louis Stevenson 46 Hills and the Sea H. Belloc 47 The Blue Bird Maurice Maeterlinck 48 Mary Magdalene Maurice Maeterlinck 49 Under Five Reign* Lady Dorothy Nevill 50 Charles Dickens G. K. Chesterton 51 Man and the Universe Sir Oliver Lodge *S3 The Life of Robert Louis Stevenson Graham Balfour 53 Letters from a Self-Made Merchant to his Son George Horace Lorimer *54 The Life of John Ruskln W. G. Collingwood 55 The Parish Clerk P. H. Ditchfield 56 The Condition of England C. F. G. Masterman 57 Sevastopol and other Stories Leo Tolstoy 58 The Lore of the Honey- Bee Tickner Edwardes 59 Tennyson A. C. Benson *6o From Midshipman to Field Marshal Sir Evelyn Wood 62 John Boyes, King of the Wa-Kikuyu John Boyes 63 Oscar Wilde Arthur Ransome 64 The Vicar of Morwenstow S. Baring-Gould 65 Old Country Life S. Baring-Gould 66 Thomas Henry Huxley P. Chalmers Mitchell 67 Chltral Sir G. S. Robertson 68 Two Admirals Admiral John Moresby 76 Home Life in France M. Betham-Edwards 77 Selected Prose Oscar Wilde 78 The Best of Lamb E. V. Lucas 80 Selected Letters Robert Louis Stevenson 83 Reason and Belief Sir Oliver Lodge 85 The Importance of Being Earnest Oscar Wilde 88 The Tower of London Richard Davey 9 1 Social Evils and their Remedy Leo Tolstoy 93 The Substance of Faith Sir Oliver Lodge 94 All Things Considered G. K. Chesterton 95 The Mirror of the Sea Joseph Conrad 96 A Picked Company Hilaire Belloc * Slightly Abridged. Metlmen & Co., Ltd., 36 Essex Street, London, W.C. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST A TRIVIAL COMEDY FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE BY OSCAR WILDE METHUEN & CO. LTD. 36 ESSEX STREET W.C. LONDON This Edition at is. net First Published in First Published i8v) ; First Issued by Methuen and Co. (Limited Editions on Handmade Paper and Japanese Vellum) February 1908; Third Edition (Fcap. Svo) October 7909; Fourth Edition (FcaJ>. 8vo) February igio ; Fifth Edition (F'cap. Sve) December igu; Sixth Edition (.F'cap. Svo) November 1912. The literary and dramatic rights of ' The Importance of Being Earnest' belong to Sir George Alexander, by arrangement with whom the play is included in this edition. The acting version (Samuel French) does not contain the complete text. TO ROBERT BALDWIN ROSS IN APPRECIATION AND AFFECTION 2016966 THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY JOHN WORTHING, J.P. ALGERNON MONCRIEFF REV. CANON CHASUBLE, D.D. MERRIMAN, Butler LANE, Manservant LADY BRACKNELL HON. GWENDOLEN FAIRFAX CECILY CARDEW MISS PRISM, Governess THE SCENES OF THE PLAY ACT I. Algernon Moncrieff'a Flat in Half -Moon Street, W. ACT II. The Garden at the Manor House, Woolton. ACT III. Drawing -Room at the Manor House, Woolton TIME : The Present. LONDON : ST. JAMES'S THEATRE I.-esaee and Manager : Mr. George Alexander February Uth, 1895 JOHN WORTHING, J.P. . . ALGERNON MONCRIEFF . . REV. CANON CHASUBLE, D.D. MERRUIAN (Butler) . . . LANE (Manservant) . . . LADT BRACKNELL .... HON. GWENDOLEN FAIRFAX . CECILY CARDBW .... Miss PRISM (Governess) . . Mr. George Alexander. Mr. Allen Ayneswortk. Mr. H. H. Vincent. Mr. Frank Dyall. Mr. F. Kinsey Peile. Mist Rote Leclercq. Mist Irene Vanbrugh. Mist Evelyn Millard. Mrs. George Canninge. FIRST ACT FIRST ACT SCENE Morning-room in Algernons fat in Half-Moon Street. The room is luxuriously and artistically famished. The sound of a piano is heard in the adjoining room. [LANE is arranging afternoon tea on the table, and after the music has ceased, ALGERNON enters.] ALGERNON Did you hear what I was playing, Lane? LANE I didn't think it polite to listen, sir. ALGERNON I 'm sorry for that, for your sake. I don't play accurately any one can play accurately but I play with wonderful expression. As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte. I keep science for Life. 2 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT LANE Yes, sir. ALGERNON And, speaking of the science of Life, have you got the cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell? LANE Yes, sir. [Hands them on a salver.] ALGERNON [Inspects them, takes two, and sits down on the sofa.] Oh ! ... by the way, Lane, I see from your book that on Thursday night, when Lord Shoreman and Mr. Worthing were dining with me, eight bottles of champagne are entered as having been consumed. LANE Yes, sir ; eight bottles and a pint ALGERNON Why is it that at a bachelor's establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne? I ask merely for information. i.J IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 3 LANE I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir. I have often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a first-rate brand. ALGERNON Good heavens ! Is marriage so demoralising as that ? LANE I believe it is a very pleasant state, sir. I have had very little experience of it myself up to the present. I have only been married once. That was in consequence of a misunderstanding between myself and a young person. ALGERNON [Languidly.'] I don't know that I am much interested in your family life, Lane. LANE No, sir; it is not a very interesting subject. I never think of it myself. 4 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT ALGERNON Very natural, I am sure. That will do, Lane, thank you. LANE Thank you, sir. [LANE goes out.] ALGERNON Lane's views on marriage seem somewhat lax. Really, if the lower orders don't set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them? They seem, as a class, to have absolutely no sense of moral responsibility. [Enter LANE.] LANE Mr. Ernest Worthing. [Enter JACK.] [LANE goes out.'] ALGERNON How are you, my dear Ernest ? What brings you up to town ? JACK Oh, pleasure, pleasure ! What else should bring one anywhere? Eating as usual, I see, Algy! i.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 6 ALGERNON [Stiffly.] I believe it is customary in good society to take some slight refreshment at five o'clock. Where have you been since last Thurs- day? JACK [Sitting dorm on the sofa.] In the country. ALGERNON What on earth do you do there ? JACK [Pulling off his gloves.] When one is in town one amuses oneself. When one is in the country one amuses other people. It is excessively boring. ALGERNON And who are the people you amuse ? JACK [Airily.] Oh, neighbours, neighbours. ALGERNON Got nice neighbours in your part of Shrop- shire? 6 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT JACK Perfectly horrid! Never speak to one of them. How immensely you must amuse them ! \Goes over and takes sandwich.] By the way, Shropshire is your county, is it not ? JACK , Eh ? Shropshire ? Yes, of course. Hallo ! Why all these cups? Why cucumber sand- wiches? Why such reckless extravagance in one so young ? Who is coming to tea ? ALGERNON Oh ! merely Aunt Augusta and Gwendolen. JACK How perfectly delightful ! ALGERNON Yes, that is all very well ; but I am afraid Aunt Augusta won't quite approve of your being here. i.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 7 JACK May I ask why ? I ALGERNON My dear fellow, the way you flirt with Gwen- dolen is perfectly disgraceful. It is almost as bad as the way Gwendolen flirts with you. JACK I am in love with Gwendolen. 1 have come up to town expressly to propose to her. ALGERNON I thought you had come up for pleasure f . . . I call that business. JACK How utterly unromantic you are ! ALGERNON I really don't see anything romantic in pro- posing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite pro- posal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If 8 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT ever I get married, I'll certainly try to forget the fact. JACK I have no doubt about that, dear Algy. The Divorce Court was specially invented for people whose memories are so curiously constituted. ALGERNON Oh ! there is no use speculating on that subject. Divorces are made in Heaven [JACK puts out his hand to take a sandwich. ALGERNON at once interferes ] Please don't touch the cucumber sandwiches. They are ordered specially for Aunt Augusta. [Takes one and eats it.] JACK Well, you have been eating them all the time. ALGERNON That is quite a different matter. She is my aunt. [Takes plate from below.] Have some bread and butter. The bread and butter is for Gwendolen. Gwendolen is devoted to bread and butter. i.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 9 JACK [Advancing to table and helping himself.] And very good bread and butter it is too. ALGERNON Well, my dear fellow, you need not eat as if you were going to eat it all. You behave as if you were married to her already. You are not married to her already, and I don't think you ever will be. JACK Why on earth do you say that ? ALGERNON Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with. Girls don't think it right. JACK Oh, that is nonsense ! ALGERNON It isn't It is a great truth. It accounts for the extraordinary number of bachelors that one sees all over the place. In the second place, I don't give my consent. 10 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT JACK Your consent ! ALGERNON My dear fellow, Gwendolen is my first cousin. And before I allow you to marry her, you will have to clear up the whole question of Cecily. [Rings bell} JACK Cecily ! What on earth do you mean ? What do you mean, Algy, by Cecily ! I don't know any one of the name of Cecily. {Enter LANE.] ALGERNON Bring me that cigarette case Mr. Worthing left in the smoking-room the last time he dined here. LANE Yes, sir. [LANE goes out.] Do you mean to say you have had my cigarette case all this time ? I wish to goodness you had i.J IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 11 let me know. I have been writing frantic letters to Scotland Yard about it. I was very nearly offering a large reward. ALGERNON Well, I wish you would offer one. I happen to be more than usually hard up. JACK There is no good offering a large reward now that the thing is found. [Enter LANE with the cigarette case on a salver. ALGERNON takes it at once. LANE goes out.] ALGERNON I think that is rather mean of you, Ernest, I must say. [Opens case and examines it.] However, it makes no matter, for, now that I look at the inscription inside, I find that the thing isn't yours after alL JACK Of course it's mine. [Moving to him."] You have seen me with it a hundred times, and you have no right whatsoever to read what is written 12 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT inside. It is a very ungentlemanly thing to read a private cigarette case. ALGERNON Oh ! it is absurd to have a hard and fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn't. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn't read. I am quite aware of the fact, and I don't propose to discuss modern culture. It isn't the sort of thing one should talk of in private. I simply want my cigarette case back. ALGERNON Yes ; but this isn't your cigarette case. This cigarette case is a present from some one of the name of Cecily, and you said you didn't know any one of that name. JACK Well, if you want to know, Cecily happens to be my aunt. i.J IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 13 ALGERNON Your aunt JACK Yes. Charming old lady she is, too. Lives at Tunbridge Wells. Just give it back to me, Algy. ALGERNON [Retreating to back of sofa.] But why does she call herself little Cecily if she is your aunt and lives at Tunbridge Wells? [Reading.] 'From little Cecily with her fondest love.' JACK [Moving to sofa and kneeling upon it.] My dear fellow, what on earth is there in that? Some aunts are tall, some aunts are not tall. That is a matter that surely an aunt may be allowed to decide for herself. You seem to think that every aunt should be exactly like your aunt ! That is absurd ! For Heaven's sake give me back my cigarette case. [Follows ALGERNON round the room.] ALGERNON Yes. But why does your aunt call you her 14 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT uncle? 'From little Cecily, with her fondest love to her dear Uncle Jack.' There is no objection, I admit, to an aunt being a small aunt, but why an aunt, no matter what her size may be, should call her own nephew her uncle, I can't quite make out. Besides, your name isn't Jack at all ; it is Ernest JACK It isn't Ernest ; it 's Jack ALGERNON You have always told me it was Ernest. I have introduced you to every one as Ernest You answer to the name of Ernest. You look as if your name was Ernest. You are the most earnest-looking person I ever saw in my life. It is perfectly absurd your saying that your name isn't Ernest It 's on your cards. Here is one of them. [Taking it from case.} 'Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany.' I '11 keep this as a proof that your name is Ernest if ever you attempt to deny it to me, or to Gwendolen, or to any one else. [Puts the card in his pocket.] i.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 15 JACK Well, my name is Ernest in town and Jack in the country, and the cigarette case was given to me in the country. ALGERNON Yes, but that does not account for the fact that your small Aunt Cecily, who lives at Tun- bridge Wells, calls you her dear uncle. Come, old boy, you had much better have the thing out at once. JACK My dear Algy, you talk exactly as if you were a dentist. It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. It produces a false impression. ALGERNON Well, that is exactly what dentists always do. Now, go on ! Tell me the whole thing. I may mention that I have always suspected you of being a confirmed and secret Bunburyist ; and I am quite sure of it now. 16 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT JACK Bunburyist ? What on earth do you mean by a Bunburyist? ALGERNON I '11 reveal to you the meaning of that incom- parable expression as soon as you are kind enough to inform me why you are Ernest in town and Jack in the country. JACK Well, produce my cigarette case first. ALGERNON Here it is. [Hands cigarette case.] Now pro- duce your explanation, and pray make it improb- able. [Sits on sofa.] JACK My dear fellow, there is nothing improbable about my explanation at all. In fact it's per- fectly ordinary. Old Mr. Thomas Cardew, who adopted me when I was a little boy, made me in his will guardian to his grand-daughter, Miss Cecily Cardew. Cecily, who addresses me as i.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 17 her uncle from motives of respect that you could not possibly appreciate, lives at my place in the country under the charge of her admirable governess, Miss Prism. ALGERNON Where is that place in the country, by the way? JACK That is nothing to you, clear boy. You are not going to be invited. ... I may tell you candidly that the place is not in Shropshire. ALGERNON I suspected that, my dear fellow ! I have Bunburyed all over Shropshire on two separate occasions. Now, go on. Why are you Ernest in town and Jack in the country ? JACK My dear Algy, I don't know whether you will be able to understand my real motives. You are hardly serious enough. When one is placed in the position of guardian, one has to 18 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT adopt a very high moral tone on all subjects. It's one's duty to do so. And as a high moral tone can hardly be said to conduce very much to either one's health or one's happiness, in order to get up to town I have always pre- tended to have a younger brother of the name of Ernest, who lives in the Albany, and gets into the most dreadful scrapes. That, my dear Algy, is the whole truth pure and simple. ALGERNON The truth is rarely pure and never simple. Modern life would be very tedious if it were either, and modern literature a complete im- possibility ! JACK That wouldn't be at all a bad thing. ALGERNON Literary criticism is not your forte, my dear fellow. Don't try it. You should leave that to people who haven't been at a University. They do it so well in the daily papers. What you really are is a Bunburyist i.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 19 I was quite right in saying you were a Bun- buryist. You are one of the most advanced Bunburyists I know. JACK What on earth do you mean ? ALGERNON You have invented a very useful younger brother called Ernest, in order that you may be able to come up to town as often as you like. I have invented an invaluable permanent invalid called Bunbury, in order that I may be able to go down into the country whenever I choose. Bunbury is perfectly invaluable. If it wasn't for Bunbury's extraordinary bad health, for instance, I wouldn't be able to dine with you at Willis's to-night, for I have been really engaged to Aunt Augusta for more than a week. JACK I haven't asked you to dine with me any- where to-night. 20 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT ALGERNON I know. You are absurdly careless about sending out invitations. It is very foolish of you. Nothing annoys people so much as not receiving invitations. JACK You had much better dine with your Aunt Augusta. ALGERNON I haven't the smallest intention of doing anything of the kind. To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quite enough to dine with one's own relations. In the second place, whenever I do dine there I am always treated as a member of the family, and sent down with either no woman at all, or two. In the third place, I know perfectly well whom she will place me next to, to-night. She will place me next Mary Farquhar, who always flirts with her own husband across the dinner- table. That is not very pleasant. Indeed, it is not even decent . . . and that sort of thing i.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 21 is enormously on the increase. The amount of women in London who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly scandalous. It looks so bad. It is simply washing one's clean linen in public. Besides, now that I know you to be a confirmed Bunburyist I naturally want to talk to you about Bunburying. I want to tell you the rules. JACK I 'm not a Bunburyist at all. If Gwendolen accepts me, I am going to kill my brother, indeed I think I '11 kill him in any case. Cecily is a little too much interested in him. It is rather a bore. So I am going to get rid of Ernest. And I strongly advise you to do the same with Mr. . . . with your invalid friend who has the absurd name. ALGERNON Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury, and if you ever get married, which seems to me extremely problematic, you will be very glad to know Bunbury. A man who marries 22 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT without knowing Bunbury has a very tedious time of it JACK That is nonsense. If I marry a charming girl like Gwendolen, and she is the only girl I ever saw in my life that I would marry, I certainly won't want to know Bunbury. ALGERNON Then your wife will. You don't seem to realise, that in married life three is company and two is none. JACK [Sententiously.] That, my dear young friend, is the theory that the corrupt French Drama has been propounding for the last fifty years. ALGERNON Yes; and that the happy English home has proved in half the time. JACK For heaven's sake, don't try to be cynical. It's perfectly easy to be cynical. i.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 23 ALGERNON My dear fellow, it isn't easy to be anything nowadays. There's such a lot of beastly com- petition about. [The sound of an electric bell is heard.] Ah ! that must be Aunt Augusta. Only relatives, or creditors, ever ring in that Wagnerian manner. Now, if I get her out of the way for ten minutes, so that you can have an opportunity for proposing to Gwendolen, may I dine with you to-night at Willis's ? JACK I suppose so, if you want to. ALGERNON Yes, but you must be serious about it. I hate people who are not serious about meals. It is so shallow of them. [Enter LANK.] LANE Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax. [ALGERNON goes forward to meet them. Enter LADY BRACKNELL and GWENDOLEN.] C 24 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT LADY BHACKNELL Good afternoon, dear Algernon, I hope you are behaving very well. ALGERNON I 'm feeling very well, Aunt Augusta. LADY BRACKNELL That '& not quite the same thing. In fact the two things rarely go together. [Sees JACK and bows to him with icy coldness.] ALGERNON [To GWENDOLEN.] Dear me, you are smart ! GWENDOLEN I am always smart ! Am I not, Mr. Worthing ? JACK You 're quite perfect, Miss Fairfax. GWENDOLEN Oh ! I hope I am not that. It would leave no room for developments, and I intend to develop in many directions. [GWENDOLEN and JACK tit down together in the corner.] Lj IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 25 LADY BRACKNELL I 'm sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but I was obliged to call on dear Lady Harbury. I hadn't been there since her poor husband's death. I never saw a woman so altered; she looks quite twenty years younger. And now I '11 have a cup of tea, and one of those nioe cucumber sandwiches you promised me. Certainly, Aunt Augusta. [Goes over to tea- table.] LADY BRACKNELL Won't you come and sit here, Gwendolen ? GWENDOLEN Thanks, mamma, I 'm quite comfortable where I am. ALGERNON \Picking up empty plate in horror.] Good heavens ! Lane ! Why are there no cucumber sandwiches ? I ordered them specially. 26 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT LANE [Gravely.] There were no cucumbers in the market this morning, sir. I went down twice. ALGERNON No cucumbers ! LANE No, sir. Not even for ready money. ALGERNON That will do, Lane, thank you. LANE Thank you, sir. [Goes out.] ALGERNON I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta, about there being no cucumbers, not even for ready money. LADY BRACKNELL It really makes no matter, Algernon. I had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now. i.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 27 ALGERNON I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief. LADY BRACKNELk It certainly has changed its colour. From what cause I, of course, cannot say. [ALGERNON crosses and hands tea.] Thank you. I've quite a treat for you to-night, Algernon. I am going to send you down with Mary Farquhar. She is such a nice woman, and so attentive to her husband. It 's delightful to watch them. ALGERNON I am afraid, Aunt Augusta, I shall have to give up the pleasure of dining with you to-night after alL LADY BRACKNELL [Frowning."] I hope not, Algernon. It would put my table completely out. Your uncle would have to dine upstairs. Fortunately he is accus- tomed to that. 28 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [AOT ALGERNON It is a great bore, and, I need hardly say, a terrible disappointment to me, but the fact is I have just had a telegram to say that my poor friend Bunbury is very ill again. [Exchanges glances with JACK.] They seem to think I should be with him. LADY BRACKNELL It is very strange. This Mr. Bunbury seems to suffer from curiously bad health. ALGERNON Yes ; poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid. LADY BRACKNELL Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or to die. This shilly-shallying with the question is absurd. Nor do I in any way approve of the modern sympathy with invalids. I consider it morbid. Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others. Health is the i.J IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 29 primary duty of life. I am always telling that to your poor uncle, but he never seems to take much notice ... as far as any improvement in his ailment goes. I should be much obliged if you would ask Mr. Bunbury, from me, to be kind enough not to have a relapse on Saturday, for I rely on you to arrange my music for me. It is my last reception, and one wants something that will encourage conversation, particularly at the end of the season when every one has practically said whatever they had to say, which, in most cases, was probably not much. ALGERNON I'll speak to Bunbury, Aunt Augusta, if he is still conscious, and I think I can promise you he'll be all right by Saturday. Of course the music is a great difficulty. You see, if one plays good music, people don't listen, and if one plays bad music people don't talk. But I'll run over the programme I've drawn out, if you will kindly come into the next room for a moment. 30 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT LADY BRACKNELL Thank you, Algernon. It is very thoughtful of you. [Rising, and following ALGERNON.] I 'm sure the programme will be delightful, after a few expurgations. French songs I cannot possibly allow. People always seem to think that they are improper, and either look shocked, which is vulgar, or laugh, which is worse. But German sounds a thoroughly respectable lan- guage, and indeed, I believe is so. Gwendolen, you will accompany me. GWENDOLEN Certainly, mamma, [LADY BRACKNELL and ALGERNON go into the music-room, GWENDOLEN remains behind.'] JACK Charming day it has been, Miss Fairfax. GWENDOLEN Pray don't talk to me about the weather, Mr. Worthing. Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I always feel quite certain i.J IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 31 that they mean something else. And that makes me so nervous. JACK I do mean something else. GWENDOLEN I thought so. In fact, I am never wrong. JACK And I would like to be allowed to take advantage of Lady Bracknell's temporary ab- sence . . . GWENDOLEN I would certainly advise you to do so. Mamma has a way of coming back suddenly into a room that I have often had to speak to her about. JACK [Nervously."] Miss Fairfax, ever since I met you I have admired you more than any girl . . . I have ever met since ... I met you. 32 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT GWENDOLEN Yes, I am quite well aware of the fact. And I often wish that in public, at any rate, you had been more demonstrative. For me you have always had an irresistible fascination. Even before I met you I was far from in- different to you. [JACK looks at her in amazement.] We live, as I hope you know, Mr Worthing, in an age of ideals. The fact is constantly mentioned in the more expensive monthly maga- zines, and has reached the provincial pulpits, I am told ; and my ideal has always been to love some one of the name of Ernest. There is something in that name that inspires absolute confidence. The moment Algernon first men- tioned to me that he had a friend called Ernest, I knew I was destined to love you. JACK You really love me, Gwendolen ? GWENDOLEN Passionately ! i.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 33 JACK Darling ! You don't know how happy you 've made me. GWENDOLEN My own Ernest ! JACK But you don't really mean to say that you couldn't love me if my name wasn't Ernest ? GWENDOLEN But your name is Ernest. JACK Yes, I know it is. But supposing it was some- thing else? Do you mean to say you couldn't love me then ? GWENDOLEN [Glibly.] Ah ! that is clearly a metaphysical speculation, and like most metaphysical specula- tions has very little reference at all to the actual facts of real life, as we know them. 34 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT JACK Personally, darling, to speak quite can- didly, I don't much care about the name of Ernest . . I don't think the name suits me at all. GWENDOLEN It suits you perfectly. It is a divine name. It has a music of its own. It pro- duces vibrations. IACK Well, really, Gwendolen, I must say that I think there are lots of other much nicer names. I think Jack, for instance, a charming name. GWENDOLEN Jack? . . . No, there is very little music iii the name Jack, if any at all, indeed. It does not thrill. It produces absolutely no vibrations. ... I have known several Jacks, and they all, without exception, were more than usually plain. Besides, Jack is a notorious i.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 35 domesticity for John ! And I pity any woman who is married to a man called John. She would probably never be allowed to know the entrancing pleasure of a single moment's solitude The only really safe name is Ernest JACK Gwendolen, I must get christened at once I mean we must get married at once. There is no time to be lost. GWENDOLEN Married, Mr. Worthing? JACK [Astounded.'] Well . . . surely. You know that I love you, and you led me to believe, Miss Fairfax, that you were not absolutely indifferent to me. GWENDOLEN I adore you. But you haven't proposed to me yet. Nothing has been said at all about marriage. The subject has not even been touched on. 36 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT JACK Well . . . may I propose to you now ? GWENDOLEN I think it would be an admirable oppor- tunity. And to spare you any possible disappointment, Mr. Worthing, I think it only fair to tell you quite frankly before- hand that I am fully determined to accept you. JACK Gwendolen ! GWENDOLEN Yes, Mr. Worthing, what have you got to say to me? JACK You know what I have got to say to you. GWENDOLEN Yes, but you don't say it. JACK Gwendolen, will you marry me ? [Goes on his knees.] i.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 37 GWENDOLEN Of course I will, darling. How long you have been about it ! I am afraid you have had very little experience in how to propose. JACK My own one, I have never loved any one in the world but you. GWENDOLEN Yes, but men often propose for practice. I know my brother Gerald does. All my girl- friends tell me so. What wonderfully blue eyes you have, Ernest ! They are quite, quite, blue. I hope you will always look at me just like that, especially when there are other people present. [Enter LADY BRACKNELL. J LADY BRACKNELL Mr. Worthing! Rise, sir, from this semi- recumbent posture. It is most indecorous. GWENDOLEN Mamma ! [He tries to rise ; she restrains him."] 38 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT I must beg you to retire. This is no place for you. Besides, Mr. Worthing has not quite finished yet. LADY BRACKNELL Finished what, may I ask ? GWENDOLEN I am engaged to Mr. Worthing, mamma [They rise together.} LADY BRACKNELL Pardon me, you are not engaged to any one. When you do become engaged to some one, I, or your father, should his health permit him, will inform you of the fact. An engagement should come on a young girl as a surprise, pleasant or unpleasant, as the case may be. It is hardly a matter that she could be allowed to arrange for herself. . . . And now I have a few questions to put to you, Mr. Worth- ing. While I am making these inquiries, you, Gwendolen, will wait for me below in the carriage. i.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 39 GWENDOLEN [Reproachfully.'] Mamma ! LADY BRACKNELL In the carriage, Gwendolen ! [GWENDOLEN goes to the door. She and JACK blow kisses to each other behind LADY BRACKNELL'S back. LADY BRACKNELL looks vaguely about as if she could not understand what the noise was. Finally turns round.] Gwen- dolen, the carriage ! GWENDOLEN Yes, mamma. [Goes out, looking back at JACK.] LADY BRACKNELL [Sitting down.] You can take a seat, Mr Worthing. [Looks in her pocket for note-book and pencil.] JACK Thank you, Lady Bracknell, I prefer standing. LADY BRACKNELL [Pencil and note-book in hand.] I feel bound to tell you that you are not down on my list of 40 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [AC* eligible young men, although I have the same list as the dear Duchess of Bolton has. We work together, in fact. However, I am quite ready to enter your name, should your answers be what a really affectionate mother requires. Do you smoke ? JACK Well, yes, I must admit I smoke. LADY BRACKNELL I am glad to hear it. A man should always have an occupation of some kind. There are far too many idle men in London as it is. How old are you ? JACK Twenty-nine. LADY BRACKNELL A very good age to be married at. I have always been of opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing. Which do you know? i.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 41 JACK [After some hesitation.'] 1 know nothing, Lady Bracknell. LADY BRACKNELL I am pleased to hear it. I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignor- ance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square. What is your income ? JACK Between seven and eight thousand a year. LADY BRACKNELL [Makes a note in her book."] In land, or in investments ? JACK In investments, chiefly. 42 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT LADY BRACKNELL That is satisfactory. What between the duties expected of one during one's lifetime, and the duties exacted from one after one's death, land has ceased to be either a profit or a pleasure. It gives one position, and prevents one from keeping it up. That 's all that can be said about land. JACK I have a country house with some land, of course, attached to it, about fifteen hundred acres, I believe ; but I don't depend on that for my real income. In fact, as far as I can make out, the poachers are the only people who make anything out of it. LADY BRACKNELL A country house ! How many bedrooms ? Well, that point can be cleared up afterwards. You have a town house, I hope? A girl with a simple, unspoiled nature, like Gwen- dolen, could hardly be expected to reside in the country. i.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 43 JACK Well, I own a house in Belgrave Square, but it is let by the year to Lady Bloxham. Of course, I can get it back whenever I like, at six months' notice. LADY BRACKNELL Lady Bloxham ? I don't know her. JACK Oh, she goes about very little. She is a lady considerably advanced in years. LADY BRACKNELL Ah, nowadays that is no guarantee of respect- ability of character. What number in Belgrave Square ? JACK 149. LADY BRACKNELL [Shaking her head.] The unfashionable side. I thought there was something. However, that could easily be altered. 44 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT JACK Do you mean the fashion, or the side ? LADY BRACKNELL [Sternly.] Both, if necessary, I presume. What are your politics ? JACK Well, I am afraid I really have none. I am a Liberal Unionist. LADY BRACKNELL Oh, they count as Tories. They dine with us. Or come in the evening, at any rate. Now to minor matters. Are your parents living ? JACK I have lost both my parents. LADY BRACKNELL To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune ; to lose both looks like carelessness. Who was your father? He was evidently a man of some wealth. Was he born in what the Radical papers call the purple i.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 46 of commerce, or did he rise from the ranks of the aristocracy ? I am afraid I really don't know. The fact is, Lady Bracknell, I said I had lost my parents. It would be nearer the truth to say that my parents seem to have lost me. ... I don't actually know who I am by birth. I was . . . well, I was found. LADY BRACKNELL Found 1 JACK The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, an old gentle- man of a very charitable and kindly disposition, found me, and gave me the name of Worthing, because he happened to have a first-class ticket for Worthing in his pocket at the tune. Worthing is a place in Sussex. It is a seaside resort. LADY BRACKNELL Where did the charitable gentleman who 46 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT had a first-class ticket for this seaside resort find you ? JACK [Gravely.] In a hand-bag. LADY BRACKNELL A hand-bag? JACK [Very seriously.] Yes, Lady Bracknell. I was in a hand-bag a somewhat large, black leather hand-bag, with handles to it an ordinary hand- bag in fact. LADY BRACKNELL In what locality did this Mr. James, or Thomas, Cardew come across this ordinary hand-bag ? JACK In the cloak-room at Victoria Station. It was given to him in mistake for his own. LADY BRACKNELL The cloak-room at Victoria Station ? i.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 47 JACK Yes. The Brighton line. LADY BRACKNELL The line is immaterial. Mr. Worthing, I confess I feel somewhat bewildered by what you have just told me. To be born, or at any rate bred, in a hand-bag, whether it had handles or not, seems to me to display a contempt for the ordinary decencies of family life that reminds one of the worst excesses of the French Revolu- tion. And I presume you know what that unfortunate movement led to? As for the particular locality in which the hand-bag was found, a cloak-room at a railway station might serve to conceal a social indiscretion has probably, indeed, been used for that purpose before now but it could hardly be regarded as an assured basis for a recognised position in good society. JACK May I ask you then what you would advise me to do? I need hardly say I would do 48 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT anything in the world to ensure Gwendolen's happiness. LADY BRACKNELL I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, to try and acquire some relations as soon as possible, and to make a definite effort to produce at any rate one parent, of either sex, before the season is quite over. JACK Well, I don't see how I could possibly manage to do that. I can produce the hand-bag at any moment. It is in my dressing-room at home. I really think that should satisfy you, Lady Bracknell. LADY BRACKNELL Me, sir ! What has it to do with me ? You can hardly imagine that I and Lord Bracknell would dream of allowing our only daughter a girl brought up with the utmost care to marry into a cloak-room, and form an alliance with a parcel ? Good morning, Mr. Worthing ! [LADY BRACKNELL sweeps out in majestic in- dignation.] i] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 4& JACK Good morning ! [ALGERNON, from the other room, strikes up the Wedding March. JACK looks perfectly furious, and goes to the cfoor.] For good ness' sake don't play that ghastly tune, Algyj How idiotic you are ! [The music stops and ALGERNON enters cheerily.'] ALGERNON Didn't it go off all right, old boy ? You don't mean to say Gwendolen refused you? I know it is a way she has. She is always refusing people. I think it is most ill-natured of her JACK Oh, Gwendolen is as right as a trivet. As far as she is concerned, we are engaged. Her mother is perfectly unbearable. Never met such a Gorgon. ... I don't really know what a Gorgon is like, but I am quite sure that Lady Bracknell is one. In any case, she is a monster, without being a myth, which is rather unfair. ... I beg your pardon, Algy, I suppose I shouldn't talk about your own aunt in that way before you. 60 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT ALGERNON My dear boy, I love hearing my relations abused. It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all. Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. JACK Oh, that is nonsense ' ALGERNON It isn't ! JACK Well, I won't argue about the matter. You always want to argue about things. That is exactly what things were originally made for. JACK Upon my word, if I thought that, I 'd shoot myself. . . . [A pause.] You don't think there is any chance of Gwendolen becoming like her i.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 61 mother in about a hundred and fifty years, do you, Algy ? ALGERNON All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That 's his. JACK Is that clever? ALGERNON It is perfectly phrased! and quite as true as any observation in civilised life should be. JACK I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays. You can't go anywhere without meeting clever people. The thing has become an absolute public nuisance. I wish to goodness we had a few fools left. ALGERNON We have. JACK I should extremely like to meet them. What do they talk about ? 62 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT ALGERNON The fools ? Oh ! about the clever people, of course. JACK What fools I ALGERNON By the way, did you tell Gwendolen the truth about your being Ernest in town, and Jack in the country ? JACK [/ a very patronising manner.] My dear fellow, the truth isn't quite the sort of thing one tells to a nice, sweet, refined girl. What extra- ordinary ideas you have about the way to behave to a woman ! ALGERNON The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, if she is pretty, and to some one else, if she is plain. JACK Oh, that is nonsense. i.J IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 53 ALGERNON What about your brother? What about the profligate Ernest ? JACK Oh, before the end of the week I shall have got rid of him. I '11 say he died in Paris of apoplexy. Lots of people die of apoplexy, quite suddenly, don't they ? ALGERNON Yes, but it 's hereditary, my dear fellow. It 's a sort of thing that runs in families. You had much better say a severe chill. JACK You are sure a severe chill isn't hereditary, or anything of that kind ? ALGERNON Of course it isn't I JACK Very well, then. My poor brother Ernest is carried off suddenly, in Paris, by a severe chill. That gets rid of him. 64 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT ALGERNON But I thought you said that . . . Miss Cardew was a little too much interested in your poor brother Ernest? Won't she feel his loss a good deal ? JACK Oh, that is all right. Cecily is not a silly romantic girl, I am glad to say. She has got a capital appetite, goes long walks, and pays no attention at all to her lessons. ALGERNON I would rather like to see Cecily. JACK I will take very good care you never do. She is excessively pretty, and she is only just eighteen. ALGERNON Have you told Gwendolen yet that you have an excessively pretty ward who is only just eighteen ? JACK Oh! one doesn't blurt these things out to i.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 65 people. Cecily and Gwendolen are perfectly certain to be extremely great friends. I '11 bet you anything you like that half an hour after they have met, they will be calling each other sister. ALGERNON Women only do that when they have called each other a lot of other things first. Now, my dear boy, if we want to get a good table at Willis's, we really must go and dress. Do you know it is nearly seven ? JACK [Irritably.'] Oh ! it always is nearly seven. ALGERNON Well, I 'm hungry. JACK I never knew you when you weren't . . . ALGERNON What shall we do after dinner? Go to a theatre ? E 56 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [AOI JACK Oh no ! I loathe listening. ALGERNON Well, let us go to the Club ? JACK Oh, no ! I hate talking. ALGERNON Well, we might trot round to the Empire at ten? JACK Oh, no ! I can't bear looking at things. It is so silly. ALGERNON Well, what shall we do? JACK Nothing! ALGERNON It is awfully hard work doing nothing. How- ever, I don't mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind. [Enter LANE.] i.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 67 LANE Miss Fairfax. [Enter GWENDOLEN. LANE goes out.] ALGERNON Gwendolen, upon my word ! GWENDOLEN Algy, kindly turn your back. I have some- thing very particular to say to Mr. Worthing. ALGERNON Really, Gwendolen, I don't think I can allow this at all. GWENDOLEN Algy, you always adopt a strictly immoral attitude towards life. You are not quite old enough to do that. [ALGERNON retires to the ^replace.] JACK My own darling GWENDOLEN Ernest, we may never be married. From the 58 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT expression on mamma's face I fear we never shall. Few parents nowadays pay any regard to what their children say to them. The old- fashioned respect for the young is fast dying out. Whatever influence I ever had over mamma, I lost at the age of three. But although she may prevent us from becoming man and wife, and I may marry some one else, and marry often, nothing that she can possibly do can alter my eternal devotion to you. JACK Dear Gwendolen : GWENDOLEN The story of your romantic origin, as related to me by mamma, with unpleasing comments, has naturally stirred the deeper fibres of my nature. Your Christian name has an irresistible fascination. The simplicity of your character makes you exquisitely incomprehensible to me. Your town address at the Albany I have. What is your address in the country ? i.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 59 JACK The Manor House, Woolton, Hertfordshire. [ALGERNON, who has been carefully listening, smiles to himself, and writes the address on his shirt- cuff. Then picks up the Railway Guide.] GWENDOLEN There is a good postal service, I suppose ? It may be necessary to do something desperate. That of course will require serious consideration. I will communicate with you daily. JACK My own one ! GWENDOLEN How long do you remain in town ? JACK Till Monday, GWENDOLEN Good ! Algy, you may turn round nc w; ALGERNON Thanks, I 've turned round already. 60 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT GWENDOLEN You may also ring the bell. JACK You will let me see you to your carriage, my own darling ? GWENDOLEN Certainly. JACK [To LANE, rvho now enters.] I will see Miss Fairfax out. LANE Yes, sir. [JACK and GWENDOLEN go ojf.\ [LANE presents several letters on a salver to ALGERNON. It is to be surmised that they are bills, as ALGERNON, after looking at the envelopes, tears them up.] ALGERNON A glass of sherry, Lane. LANE Yes, sir. ALGERNON To-morrow, Lane, I 'm going Bunburying. i.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 61 LANE Yes, sir. ALGERNON I shall probably not be back till Monday. You can put up my dress clothes, my smoking jacket, and all the Bunbury suits . . . LANE Yes, sir. [Handing sherry.'] ALGERNON I hope to-morrow will be a fine day, Lane. LANE It never is, sir. ALGERNON Lane, you 're a perfect pessimist. LANE I do my best to give satisfaction, sir. [Enter JACK. LANE goes off.} JACK There f s a sensible, intellectual girl ! the only girl I ever cared for in my life. [ALGERNON is 62 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT j, laughing immoderately.] What on earth are you so amused at ? ALGERNON Oh, I 'm a little anxious about poor Bunbury, that is all. JACK If you don't take care, your friend Bunbury will get you into a serious scrape some day. ALGERNON I love scrapes. They are the only things that are never serious. JACK Oh, that's nonsense, Algy. You never talk anything but nonsense. ALGERNON Nobody ever does. [JACK looks indignantly at him, and leaves the room. ALGERNON lights a cigarette, reads his shirt- cuff, and smiles. ~\ ACT DROP SECOND ACT SECOND ACT SCENE Garden at the Manor House. A flight of grey stone steps leads up to the house. The garden, an old- fashioned one, full of roses. Time of year, July. Basket chairs, and a table covered with books, are set under a large yew-tree. [MISS PRISM discovered seated at the table. CECILY is at the back watering flowers.] MISS PRISM [Calling.] Cecily, Cecily! Surely such a utilitarian occupation as the watering of flowers is rather Moulton's duty than yours? Especially at a moment when intellectual pleasures await you. Your German grammar is on the table. Pray open it at page fifteen. We will repeat yesterday's lesson. CECILY [Coming over very slowly.] But I don't like German. It isn't at all a becoming language. 66 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT I know perfectly well that I look quite plain after my German lesson. MISS PRISM Child, you know how anxious your guardian is that you should improve yourself in every way. He laid particular stress on your German, as he was leaving for town yesterday. Indeed, he always lays stress on your German when he is leaving for town. CECILY Dear Uncle Jack is so very serious ! Some- times he is so serious that I think he cannot be quite well. MISS PRISM [Drawing herself up."\ Your guardian enjoys the best of health, and his gravity of demeanour is especially to be commended in one so com- paratively young as he is. I know no one who has a higher sense of duty and responsibility. CECILY I suppose that is why he often looks a little bored when we three are together. n.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 67 MISS PRISM Cecily ! I am surprised at you. Mr. Worthing has many troubles in his life. Idle merriment and triviality would be out of place in his con- versation. You must remember his constant anxiety about that unfortunate young man his brother. CECILY I wish Uncle Jack would allow that unfortunate young man, his brother, to come down here sometimes. We might have a good influence over him, Miss Prism. I am sure you certainly would. You know German, and geology, and things of that kind influence a man very much. [CECILY begins to write in her diary.] MISS PRISM [Shaking her head.] I do not think that even I could produce any effect on a character that according to his own brother's admission is irretrievably weak and vacillating. Indeed I am not sure that I would desire to reclaim him. I am not in favour of this modern mania for turning 68 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT bad people into good people at a moment's notice. As a man sows so let him reap. You must put away your diary, Cecily. I really don't see why you should keep a diary at all CECILY I keep a diary in order to enter the wonderful secrets of my life. If I didn't write them down, I should probabjy forget all about them. MISS PRISM Memory, my dear Cecily, is the diary that we all carry about with us CECILY Yes, but it usually chronicles the things that have never happened, and couldn't possibly have happened. I believe that Memory is responsible for nearly all the three-volume novels that Mudie sends us. MISS PRISM Do not speak slightingly of the three-volume novel, Cecily. I wrote one myself in earlier days. ii.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 69 CECILY Did you really, Miss Prism ? How wonderfully clever you are ! I hope it did not end happily ? I don't like novels that end happily. They depress me so much. MISS PRISM The good ended happily, and the bad un- happily. That is what Fiction means. CECILY I suppose so. But it seems very unfair. And was your novel ever published ? MISS PRISM Alas ! no. The manuscript unfortunately was abandoned. [CECILY starts.] I use the word in the sense of lost or mislaid. To your work, child, these speculations are profitless. CECILY [Smiling.] But I see dear Dr. Chasuble coming up through the garden. 70 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT MISS PRISM [Rising and advancing.] Dr. Chasuble! This is indeed a pleasure. CANON CHASUBLE.] CHASUBLE And how are we this morning ? Miss Prism . you are, I trust, well ? CECILY Miss Prism has just been complaining of a slight headache. I think it would do her so much good to have a short stroll with you in the Park, Dr. Chasuble. MISS PRISM Cecily, I have not mentioned anything about a headache. CECILY No, dear Miss Prism, I know that, but I felt instinctively that you had a headache. Indeed I was thinking about that, and not about my German lesson, when the Rector came in. n.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 71 CHASUBLE I hope, Cecily, you are not inattentive. CECILY Oh, I am afraid I am. CHASUBLE That is strange. Were I fortunate enough to be Miss Prism's pupil, I would hang upon her lips. [MISS PRISM glares.] I spoke metaphorically. My metaphor was drawn from bees. Ahem ! Mr. Worthing, I suppose, has not returned from town yet ? MISS PRISM We do not expect him till Monday afternoon. CHASUBLE Ah yes, he usually likes to spend his Sunday iu London. He is not one of those whose sole aim is enjoyment, as, by all accounts, that unfortunate young man his brother seems to be. But I must not disturb Egeria and her pupil any longer. 72 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT MI88 PRISM Egeria ? My name is Lsetitia, Doctor. CHASUBLE [Bowing.} A classical allusion merely, drawn from the Pagan authors. I shall see you both no doubt at Evensong ? MISS PRISM I think, dear Doctor, I will have a stroll with you. I find I have a headache after all, and a walk might do it good. CHASUBLE With pleasure, Miss Prism, with pleasure. We might go as far as the schools and back. MISS PRISM That would be delightful. Cecily, you will read your Political Economy in my absence. The chapter on the Fall of the Rupee you may omit It is somewhat too sensational. Even these metallic problems have their melodramatic side. [Goes down the garden rvith DR. CHASUBLE.] H.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 73 CECILY [Picks up books and throws them back on table,] Horrid Political Economy ! Horrid Geography ! Horrid, horrid German ! [Enter MERRIMAN rvith a card on a salver.] MERRIMAN Mr. Ernest Worthing has just driven over from the station. He has brought his luggage with him. CECILY [Takes the card and reads it.] 'Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany, W.' Uncle Jack's brother ! Did you tell him Mr. Worthing was in town ? MERRIMAN Yes, Miss. He seemed very much dis- appointed. I mentioned that you and Miss Prism were in the garden. He said he was anxious to speak to you privately for a moment. CECILY Ask Mr. Ernest Worthing to come here. I 74 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [AOT suppose you had better talk to the housekeeper about a room for him. MERRIMAN Yes, Miss. [MERRIMAN goes off".] CECILY I have never met any really wicked person before. I feel rather frightened. I am so afraid he will look just like every one else. [Enter ALGERNON, very gay and debonnair.] He does ! ALGERNON [Reusing his hat.] You are my little cousin Cecily, I 'm sure. CECILY You are under some strange mistake. I am not little. In fact, I believe I am more than usually tall for my age. [ALGERNON is rather taken aback.'] But I am your cousin Cecily. You, I see from your card, are Uncle Jack's brother, my cousin Ernest, my wicked cousin Ernest. n.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 75 ALGERNON Oh ! I am not really wicked at all, cousin Cecily. You mustn't think that I am wicked. CECILY If you are not, then you have certainly been deceiving us all in a very inexcusable manner. I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the time. That would be hypocrisy. ALGERNON [Looks at her in amazement.'] Oh ! Of course I have been rather reckless. CECILY I am glad to hear it. ALGERNON In fact, now you mention the subject, I have been very bad in my own small way. I don't think you should be so proud of that, though I am sure it must have been very pleasant. 76 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT ALGERNON It is much pleasanter being here with you. CECILY I can't understand how you are here at all. Uncle Jack won't be back till Monday afternoon. ALGERNON That is a great disappointment. I am obliged to go up by the first train on Monday morning. I have a business appointment that I am anxious ... to miss ? CECILY Couldn't you miss it anywhere but in London t ALGERNON No : the appointment is in London. CECILY Well, I know, of course, how important it is not to keep a business engagement, if one wants to retain any sense of the beauty of life, but still I think you had better wait till Uncle Jack ii.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 77 arrives. I know he wants to speak to you about your emigrating. ALGERNON About my what ? CECILY Your emigrating. He has gone up to buy your outfit. ALGERNON I certainly wouldn't let Jack buy my outfit. He has no taste in neckties at alL CECILY I don't think you will require neckties. Uncle Jack is sending you to Australia. ALGERNON Australia ! I 'd sooner die. CECILY Well, he said at dinner on Wednesday night, that you would have to choose between this world, the next world, and Australia. 78 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT ALGERNON Oh, well ! The accounts I have received of Australia and the next world, are not particularly encouraging. This world is good enough for me, cousin Cecily. CECILY Yes, but are you good enough for it ? ALGERNON I 'ra afraid I 'm not that. That is why I want you to reform me. You might make that your mission, if you don't mind, cousin Cecily. CECILY I 'm afraid I 've no time, this afternoon. ALGERNON Well, would you mind my reforming myself this afternoon ? CECILY It is rather Quixotic of you. But I think you should try. ALGERNON I will. I feel better already. n.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST *8 CECILY You are looking a little worse. ALGERNON That is because I am hungry. CECILY How thoughtless of me. I should have re- membered that when one is going to lead an entirely new life, one requires regular and whole- some meals. Won't you come in ? ALGERNON Thank you. Might I have a buttonhole first ? I never have any appetite unless I have a button- hole first. CECILY A Marshal Niel ? [Picks up scissors.] ALGERNON No, I 'd sooner have a pink rose. CECILY Why ? [Cuts a flower.'] 80 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST /ACT ALGERNON Because you are like a pink rose, Cousin Cecily. CECILY I don't think it can be right for you to talk to me like that. Miss Prism never says such things to me. ALGERNON Then Miss Prism is a short-sighted old lady. [CECILY puts ike rose in his buttonhole.] You are the prettiest girl I ever saw. CECILY Miss Prism says that all good looks are a snare. ALGERNON They are a snare that every sensible man would like to be caught in. CECILY Oh, I don't think I would care to catch a sensible man. I shouldn't know what to talk to him about. [They pass into the house. MISS PRISM and DR. CHASUBLE return.] u.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 81 MISS PRISM You are too much alone, dear Dr. Chasuble. You should get married. A misanthrope I can understand a womanthrope, never ! CHASUBLE [With a scholar's shudder.] Believe me, I do not deserve so neologistic a phrase. The precept as well as the practice of the Primitive Church was distinctly against matrimony. MISS PRISM [Sententiously.'] That is obviously the reason why the Primitive Church has not lasted up to the present day. And you do not seem to realise, dear Doctor, that by persistently remain- ing single, a man converts himself into a perma- nent public temptation. Men should be more careful; this very celibacy leads weaker vessels astray. CHASUBLE But is a man not equally attractive when married ? 82 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT MISS PRISM No married man is ever attractive except to his wife. CHASUBLE And often, I 've been told, not even to her, MISS PRISM That depends on the intellectual sympathies of the woman. Maturity can always be depended on. Ripeness can be trusted. Young women are green. [DR. CHASUBLE starts.] 1 spoke horti- culturally. My metaphor was drawn from fruits. But where is Cecily ? CHASUBLE Perhaps she followed us to the schools [Enter JACK slowly from the back of the garden. He is dressed in the deepest mourning, with crape hatband and black glovet.] Mr. Worthing ! LASUBLE Mr. Worthing? n.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 83 MISS PRISM This is indeed a surprise. We did not look for you till Monday afternoon. JACK [Shakes MISS PRISM'S hand in a tragic manner.] I have returned sooner than I expected. Dr. Chasuble, I hope you are well ? CHASUBLE Dear Mr. Worthing, I trust this garb of woe does not betoken some terrible calamity ? JACK My brother. MISS PRISM More shameful debts and extravagance ? Still leading his life of pleasure ? JACK [Shaking his head.] Dead ! CHASUBLE Your brother Ernest dead ? 84 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [AOT JACK Quite dead. MISS PRISM What a lesson for him ! I trust he will profit by it CHASUBLE Mr. Worthing, I offer you my sincere condol- ence. You have at least the consolation of knowing that you were always the most generous and forgiving of brothers, JACK Poor Ernest ! He had many faults, but it is a sad, sad blow. CHASUBLE Very sad indeed. Were you with him at the end? JACK No. He died abroad; in Paris, in fact. I had a telegram last night from the manager of the Grand Hotel a.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 85 CHASUBLE Was the cause of death mentioned ? JACK A severe chill, it seems. MISS PRISM As a man sows, so shall he reap. CHASUBLE [Raising his hand.] Charity, dear Miss Prism, charity! None of us are perfect. I myself am peculiarly susceptible to draughts. Will the interment take place here ? JACK No. He seems to have expressed a desire to be buried in Paris. CHASUBLE In Paris! [Shakes his head.] I fear that hardly points to any very serious state of mind at the last. You would no doubt wish me to make some slight allusion to this tragic domestic affliction next Sunday. [JACK presses his hand con- vulsively.] My sermon, on the meaning of the 86 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT manna in the wilderness can be adapted to almost any occasion, joyful, or, as in the present case, distressing. [All sigh.] I have preached it at harvest celebrations, christenings, confirmations, on days of humiliation and festal days. The last time I delivered it was in the Cathedral, as a charity sermon on behalf of the Society for the Prevention of Discontent among the Upper Orders. The Bishop, who was present, was much struck by some of the analogies I drew. JACK Ah ! that reminds me, you mentioned christenings I think, Dr. Chasuble? I suppose you know how to christen all right ? [DR. CHASUBLE looks astounded.] I mean, of course, you are continually christening, aren't you ? MISS PRISM It is, I regret to say, one of the Rector's most constant duties in this parish. I have often spoken to the poorer classes on the subject. But they don't seem to know what thrift is. CHASUBLE But is there any particular infant in whom you n.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 87 are interested, Mr. Worthing ? Your brother was, I believe, unmarried, was he not? JACK Oh yes. MISS PRISM [Bitterly.'] People who live entirely for plea- sure usually are. JACK But it is not for any child, dear Doctor. I am very fond of children. No ! the fact is, I would like to be christened myself, this afternoon, if you have nothing better to do. CHASUBLE But surely, Mr. Worthing, you have been christened already? JACK I don't remember anything about it. CHASUBLE But have you any grave doubts on the subject ? 88 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT JACK I certainly intend to have. Of course I don't know if the thing would bother you in any way, or if you think I am a little too old now. CHASUBLE Not at all. The sprinkling, and, indeed, the immersion of adults is a perfectly canonical practice. JACK Immersion ! CHASUBLE You need have no apprehensions. Sprinkling is all that is necessary, or indeed I think advis- able. Our weather is so changeable. At what hour would you wish the ceremony performed ? JACK Oh, I might trot round about five if that would suit you. CHASUBLE Perfectly, perfectly! In fact I have two similar ceremonies to perform at that time. A ii.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 89 case of twins that occurred recently in one of the outlying cottages on your own estate. Poor Jenkins the carter, a most hard-working man. JACK Oh ! I don't see much fun in being christened along with other babies. It would be childish. Would half-past five do ? CHASUBLE Admirably! Admirably! [Takes out watch.'] And now, dear Mr. Worthing, I will not intrude any longer into a house of sorrow. I would merely beg you not to be too much bowed down by grief. What seem to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise. MISS PRISM This seems to me a blessing of an extremely obvious kind. [Enter CECILY from the house.] CECILY Uncle Jack! Oh, I am pleased to see you back. But what horrid clothes you have got on ' Do go and change them. 90 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT MISS PRISM Cecily! CHASUBLE My child ! my child ! [CECILY goes towards JACK ; he kisses her brow in a melancholy manner.'] CECILY What is the matter, Uncle Jack? Do look happy ! You look as if you had toothache, and I have got such a surprise for you. Who do you think is in the dining-room ? Your brother ! JACK Who? CECILY Your brother Ernest. He arrived about half an hour ago. JACK What nonsense ! I haven't got a brother. CECILY Oh, don't say that. However badly he may have behaved to you in the past he is still your a.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 91 brother. You couldn't be so heartless as to dis- own him. I '11 tell him to come out. And you will shake hands with him, won't you, Uncle Jack ? [Runs back into the house.] CHASUBLE These are very joyful tidings. MISS PRISM After we had all been resigned to his loss, his sudden return seems to me peculiarly distressing. JACK My brother is in the dining-room? I don't know what it all means. I think it is perfectly absurd. [Enter ALGERNON and CECILY hand in hand. They come slowly up to JACK.] JACK Good heavens ! [Motions ALGERNON away.] ALGERNON Brother John, I have come down from town to tell you that I am very sorry for all the trouble I have given you, and that I intend to lead a 92 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT better life in the future. [JACK glares at him and does not take his hand.] CECILY Uncle Jack, you are not going to refuse your own brother's hand ? JACK Nothing will induce me to take his hand. I think his coming down here disgraceful. He knows perfectly well why. CECILY Uncle Jack, do be nice. There is some good^. in every one. Ernest has just been telling me about his poor invalid friend Mr, Bunbury whom he goes to visit so often. And surely there must be much good in one who is kind to an invalid, and leaves the pleasures of London to sit by a bed of pain. JACK Oh! he has been talking about Bunbury, has he ? u.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 93 CECILY Yes, he has told me all about poor Mr. Bunbury, and his terrible state of health. JACK Bunbury ! Well, I won't have him talk to you about Bunbury or about anything else. It is enough to drive one perfectly frantic. ALGERNON Of course I admit that the faults were all on my side. But I must say that I think that Brother John's coldness to me is peculiarly pain- ful. I expected a more enthusiastic welcome, especially considering it is the first time I have come here. CECILY Uncle Jack, if you don't shake hands with Ernest I will never forgive you, JACK Never forgive me ? CECILY Never, never, never J 94 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT JACK Well, this is the last time I shall ever do it. [Shakes hands imth ALGERNON and glares.] CHASUBLE It's pleasant, is it not, to see so perfect a reconciliation ? I think we might leave the two brothers together. MISS PRISM Cecily, you will come with us. CECILY Certainly, Miss Prism. My little task of re- conciliation is over. CHASUBLE You have done a beautiful action to-day, dear child. MISS PRISM We must not be premature in our judgments. CECILY I feel very happy. [They all go off except JACK and ALGERNON.] n.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 95 JACK You young scoundrel, Algy, you must get out of this place as soon as possible. J don't allow any Bunburying here. [Enter MERRIMAN.] MERRIMAN I have put Mr. Ernest's things in the room next to yours, sir. I suppose that is all right ? JACK What? MERRIMAN Mr. Ernest's luggage, sir. I have unpacked it and put it in the room next to your own. IACK His luggage ? MERRIMAN Yes, sir. Three portmanteaus, a dressing-case, two hat-boxes, and a large luncheon-basket ALGERNON I am afraid I can't stay more than a week this time. 96 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT JACK Merriman, order the dog-cart at once. Mr. Ernest has been suddenly called back to town. MERRIMAN Yes, sir. [Goes back into the house,~\ ALGERNON What a fearful liar you are, Jack. I have not been called back to town at alL JACK Yes, you have. ALGERNON I haven't heard any one call me. JACK Your duty as a gentleman calls you back. ALGERNON My duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree. JACR I can quite understand that. ALGERNON Well, Cecily is a darling. ij.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 97 JACK You are not to talk of Miss Cardew like that. I don't like it. ALGERNON Well, I don't like your clothes. You look perfectly ridiculous in them. Why on earth don't you go up and change? It is perfectly childish to be in deep mourning for a man who is actually staying for a whole week with you in your house as a guest. I call it grotesque. JACK You are certainly not staying with me for a whole week as a guest or anything else. You have got to leave ... by the four-five train. ALGERNON I certainly won't leave you so long as you are in mourning. It would be most unfriendly. If I were in mourning you would stay with me, I suppose. I should think it very unkind if you didn't JACK Well, mil you go if I change my clothes ? 98 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT ALGERNON Yes, if you are not too long. I never saw anybody take so long to dress, and with such little result JACK Well, at any rate, that is better than being always over-dressed as you are. ALGERNON If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make up for it by being always immensely over-educated. JACK Your vanity is ridiculous, your conduct an outrage, and your presence in my garden utterly absurd. However, you have got to catch the four-five, and I hope you will have a pleasant journey back to town. This Bunburying, as you call it, has not been a great success for you. [Goes into the house.] ALGERNON I think it has been a great success. I'm in love with Cecily, and that is everything. ii.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 99 [Enter CECILY at the back of the garden. She picks up the can and begins to water the flowers, .] But I must see her before I go, and make arrangements for another Bunbury. Ah, there she is. CECILY Oh, I merely came back to water the roses. I thought you were with Uncle Jack. ALGERNON He 's gone to order the dog-cart for me. CECILY Oh, is he going to take you for a nice drive ? ALGERNON He 's going to send me away. CECILY Then have we got to part ? ALGERNON I am afraid so. It 's a very painful parting. CECILY It is always painful to part from people whom one has known for a very brief space of time. 100 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT The absence of old friends one can endure with equanimity. But even a momentary separation from any one to whom one has just been intro- duced is almost unbearable. ALGERNON Thank you. [Enter MERRIMAN.] MERRIMAN The dog-cart is at the door, sir. [ALGERNON looks appealingly at CECILY.] CECILY It can wait, Merriman ... for ... five minutes. MERRIMAN Yes, Miss. [Exit MERRIMAN.] ALGERNON I hope, Cecily, I shall not offend you if I state quite frankly and openly that you seem to me to be in every way the visible personification of absolute perfection. n.J IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 101 CECILY I think your frankness does you great credit, Ernest. If you will allow me, I will copy your remarks into my diary. [Goes ovei to table and begins writing in diary.] ALGERNON Do you really keep a diary? I'd give any- thing to look at it. May I ? CECILY Oh no. [Puts her hand over it.] You see, it is simply a very young girl's record of her own thoughts and impressions, and consequently meant for publication. When it appears in volume form I hope you will order a copy. But pray, Ernest, don't stop. I delight in taking down from dictation. I have reached ' absolute perfection.' You can go on. I am quite ready for more. ALGERNON [Somewhat taken aback.] Ahem ! Ahem ! CECILY Oh, don't cough, Ernest. When one is 102 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT dictating one should speak fluently and not cough. Besides, I don't know how to spell a cough. [Writes as ALGERNON speaks.] ALGERNON [Speaking very rapidly.] Cecily, ever since I first looked upon your wonderful and incompar- able beauty,-! have dared to love you wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly. CECILY I don't think that you should tell me that you love me wildly, passionately, devotedly, hope- lessly. Hopelessly doesn't seem to make much sense, does it ? ALGERNON Cecily! [Enter MERRIMAN.] MERRIMAN The dog-cart is waiting, sir. ALGERNON Tell it to come round next week, at the same hour. n.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 103 MERRIMAN [Looks at CECILY, mho makes no sign.~\ Yes, sir. [MERRIMAN retires.} CECILY Uncle Jack would be very much annoyed if he knew you were staying on till next week, at the same hour. ALGERNON Oh, I don't care about Jack. I don't care for anybody in the whole world but you. I love you, Cecily. You will marry me, won't you? CECILY You silly boy ! Of course. Why, we have been engaged for the last three months. ALGERNON For the last three months ? CECILY Yes, it will be exactly three months on Thurdsay. 104 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT ALGERNON But how did we become engaged ? CECILY Well, ever since dear Uncle Jack first con- fessed to us that he had a younger brother who was very wicked and bad, you of course have formed the chief topic of conversation between myself and Miss Prism. And of course a man who is much talked about is always very attractive. One feels there must be something in him, after all. I daresay it was foolish of me, but I fell in love with you, Ernest. ALGERNON Darling ! And when was the engagement actually settled ? CECILY On the 14th of February last Worn out by your entire ignorance of my existence, I determined to end the matter one way or the other, and after a long struggle with myself J accepted you under this dear old tree here. The next day I bought this little ring in your name, n.J IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 105 and this is the little bangle with the true lover's knot I promised you always to wear. ALGERNON Did I give you this? It's very pretty, isn't it? CECILY Yes, you've wonderfully good taste, Ernest. It's the excuse I've always given for your leading such a bad life. And this is the box in which I keep all your dear letters. [Kneels at table, opens box, and produces letters tied up with blue ribbon,] ALGERNON My letters ! But, ray own sweet Cecily, I have never written you any letters. CECILY You need hardly remind me of that, Ernest. I remember only too well that I was forced to write your letters for you. I wrote always three times a week, and sometimes oftener. 106 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT ALGERNON Oh, do let me read them, Cecily ? CECILY Oh, I couldn't possibly. They would make you far too conceited. [Replaces box.] The three you wrote me after I had broken off the engagement are so beautiful, and so badly spelled, that even now I can hardly read them without crying a little. ALGERNON But was our engagement ever broken off? CECILY Of course it was. On the 22nd of last March. You can see the entry if you like. [Shows diary.] 'To-day I broke off my engagement with Ernest I feel it is better to do so. The weather still continues charming.' ALGERNON But why on earth did you break it off? What had I done ? I had done nothing at all. Cecily, I am very much hurt indeed to hear you broke n.J IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 107 it off. Particularly when the weather was so charming. CECILY It would hardly have been a really serious engagement if it hadn't been broken off at least once. But I forgave you before the week was out. ALGERNON [Crossing to her, and kneeling.] What a perfect angel you are, Cecily. CECILY You dear romantic boy. [He kisses her, she puts her fingers through his hair.] I hope your hair curls naturally, does it ? ALGERNON Yes, darling, with a little help from others. CECILY I am so glad. ALGERNON You '11 never break off our engagement again, Cecily? 108 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT CECILY I don't think I could break it off now that I have actually met you. Besides, of course, there is the question of your name. ALGERNON Yes, of course. [Nervously.'] CECILY You must not laugh at me, darling, but it had always been a girlish dream of mine to love some one whose name was Ernest. [ALGERNON rises, CECILY also.] There is something in that name that seems to inspire absolute confidence. I pity any poor married woman whose husband is not called Ernest. ALGERNON But, my dear child, do you mean to say you could not love me if I had some other name ? CECILY But what name ? ALGERNON Oh, any name you like Algernon for instance . . . n.l IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 109 CECILY But I don't like the name of Algernon. ALGERNON Well, my own dear, sweet, loving little darling, I really can't see why you should object to the name of Algernon. It is not at all a bad name. In fact, it is rather an aristocratic name. Half of the chaps who get into the Bankruptcy Court are called Algernon. But seriously, Cecily . . . [Moving to her] ... if my name was Algy, couldn't you love me ? CECILY [Rising.] I might respect you, Ernest, I might admire your character, but I fear that I should not be able to give you my undivided attention. ALGERNON Ahem ! Cecily ! [Picking up hat.] Your Rector here is, I suppose, thoroughly experienced in the practice of all the rites and ceremonials of the Church ? CECILY Oh, yes. Dr. Chasuble is a most learned 110 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT man. He has never written a single book, so you can imagine how much he knows. ALGERNON I must see him at once on a most important christening I mean on most important business CECILY Oh! ALGERNON I shan't be away more than half an hour. CECILY Considering that we have been engaged since February the 14th, and that I only met you to-day for the first time, I think it is rather hard that you should leave me for so long a period as half an hour. Couldn't you make it twenty minutes ? ALGERNON I '11 be back in no time. [Kisses her and rushes down Ike garden.] CECILY What an impetuous boy he is! I like his ii.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 111 hair so much. I must enter his proposal in my diary. [Enter MERRIMAN.] MERRIMAN A Miss Fairfax has just called to see Mr. Worthing. On very important business, Miss Fairfax states. CECILY Isn't Mr. Worthing in his library? MERRIMAN Mr. Worthing went over in the direction of the Rectory some time ago. CECILY Pray ask the lady to come out here; Mr. Worthing is sure to be back soon. And you can bring tea. MERRIMAN Yes, Miss. [Goes out.] CECILY Fairfax! I suppose one of the many 112 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT good elderly women who are associated with Uncle Jack in some of his philanthropic work in London. I don't quite like women who are interested in philanthropic work. I think it is so forward of them. [Enter MERRIMAN.] MERRIMAN Miss Fairfax. [Enter GWENDOLEN.] [Exit MERRIMAN.] CECILY [Advancing to meet her.] Pray let me intro- duce myself to you. My name is Cecily Cardew. GWENDOLEN Cecily Cardew? [Moving to her and shaking hands.] What a very sweet name ! Something tells me that we are going to be great friends. I like you already more than I can say. My first impressions of people are never wrong. CECILY How nice of you to like me so much after we have known each other such a comparatively short time. Pray sit down. n.J IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 113 GWENDOLEN [Still standing up.] I may call you Cecily, may I not? CECILY With pleasure ! GWENDOLEN And you will always call me Gwendolen, won't you ? CECILY If you wish. GWENDOLEN Then that is all quite settled, is it not ? CECILY I hope so. [A pause. They both sit down together.} GWENDOLEN Perhaps this might be a favourable oppor- tunity for my mentioning who I am. My father is Lord Bracknell. You have never heard of papa, I suppose ? 114 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT CECILY I don't think so. GWENDOLEN Outside the family circle, papa, I am glad to say, is entirely unknown. I think that is quite as it should be. The home seems to me to be the proper sphere for the man. And certainly once a man begins to neglect his domestic duties he becomes painfully effeminate, does he not ? And I don't like that. It makes men so very attractive. Cecily, mamma, whose views on education are remarkably strict, has brought me up to be extremely short-sighted; it is part of her system; so do you mind my looking at you through my glasses ? CECILY Oh ! not at all, Gwendolen. I am very fond of being looked at GWENDOLEN [After examining CECILY carefully through a lorgnette.] You are here on a short visit, 1 suppose. ii. J IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 115 CECILY Oh no ! I live here. GWENDOLEN [Severely.] Really? Your mother, no doubt, or some female relative of advanced years, resides here also ? CECILY Oh no ! I have no mother, nor, in fact, any relations. GWENDOLEN Indeed ? CECILY My dear guardian, with the assistance of Miss Prism, has the arduous task of looking after me. GWENDOLEN Your guardian ? CECILY Yes, I am Mr. Worthing's ward. GWENDOLEN Oh ! It is strange he never mentioned to me that he had a ward. How secretive of him 5 116 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT He grows more interesting hourly. I am not sure, however, that the news inspires me with feelings of unmixed delight. [Rising and going to her.] I am very fond of you, Cecily ; I have liked you ever since I met you! But I am bound to state that now that I know that you are Mr. Worthing's ward, I cannot help express- ing a wish you were well, just a little older than you seem to be and not quite so very alluring in appearance. In fact, if I may speak candidly CECILY Pray do ! I think that whenever one has anything unpleasant to jay, one should always be quite candid. GWENDOLEN Well, to speak with perfect candour, Cecily, I wish that you were fully forty-two, and more than usually plain for your age. Ernest has a strong upright nature. He is the very soul of truth and honour. Disloyalty would be as im- possible to him as deception. But even men of the noblest possible moral character are ii.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 117 extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others. Modern, no less than Ancient History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what I refer to. If it were not so, indeed, History would be quite unreadable. CECILY I beg your pardon, Gwendolen, did you say Ernest ? GWENDOLEN Yes. CECILY Oh, but it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is my guardian. It is his brother his elder brother. GWENDOLEN [Sitting down again.] Ernest never mentioned to me that he had a brother. CECILY I am sorry to say they have not been on good terms for a long time. 118 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT GWENDOLEN Ah ! that accounts for it. And now that I think of it I have never heard any man mention his brother. The subject seems distasteful to most men. Cecily, you have lifted a load from my mind. I was growing almost anxious. It would have been terrible if any cloud had come across a friendship like ours, would it not ? Of course you are quite, quite sure that it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is your guardian ? CECILY Quite sure. [A pause.] In fact, I am going to be his. GWENDOLEN [Inquiringly.'] I beg your pardon ? CECILY [Rather shy and confidingly.] Dearest Gwen- dolen, there is no reason why I should make a secret of it to you. Our little county news- paper is sure to chronicle the fact next week. Mr. Ernest Worthing and I are engaged to be married. ii.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 119 GWENDOLEN [Quite politely, rising.'] My darling Cecily, I think there must be some slight error. Mr. Ernest Worthing is engaged to me. The announcement will appear in the Morning Post on Saturday at the latest. CECILY \Very politely, rising.] I am afraid you must be under some misconception. Ernest proposed to me exactly ten minutes ago. [Shows diary.] GWENDOLEN [Examines diary through her lorgnette carefully.] It is certainly very curious, for he asked me to be his wife yesterday afternoon at 5.30. If you would care to verify the incident, pray do so. [Produces diary of her own] I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train. I am so sorry, dear Cecily, if it is any disappoint- ment to you, but I am afraid I have the prior claim. CECILY It would distress me more than I can tell 120 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT you, dear Gwendolen, if it caused you any mental or physical anguish, but I feel bound to point out that since Ernest proposed to you he clearly has changed his mind. GWENDOLEN [Meditatively."] If the poor fellow has been entrapped into any foolish promise I shall con- sider it my duty to rescue him at once, and with a firm hand. CECILY [Thoughtfully and sadly.] Whatever unfortu- nate entanglement my dear boy may have got into, I will never reproach him with it after we are married. GWENDOLEN Do you allude to me, Miss Cardew, as an entanglement ? You are presumptuous. On an occasion of this kind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one's mind. It becomes a pleasure. Do you suggest, Miss Fairfax, that I en- n.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 121 trapped Ernest into an engagement ? How dare you? This is no time for wearing the shallow mask of manners. When I see a spade I call it a spade. GWENDOLEN [Satirically.] I am glad to say that I have never seen a spade. It is obvious that our social spheres have been widely different. [Enter MERRIMAN, followed by the footman. He carries a salver, table cloth, and plate stand. CECILY is about to retort. The presence of the servants exercises a restraining influence, under which both girls chafe."] MERRIMAN Shall I lay tea here as usual, Miss ? CECILY [Sternly, in a calm voice.] Yes, as usual. [MERRIMAN begins to clear table and lay cloth. A long pause. CECILY and GWENDOLEN glare at each other.] GWENDOLEN Are there many interesting walks in the vicinity, Miss Cardew ? 122 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT CECILY Oh ! yes! a great many. From the top of one of the hills quite close one can see five counties. GWENDOLEN Five counties ! I don't think I should like that ; I hate crowds. CECILY [Sweetly.'] I suppose that is why you live in town? [GWENDOLEN biles her lip, and beats her foot nervously with her parasoU] GWENDOLEN [Looking round.'] Quite a well-kept garden this is, Miss Cardew. CECILY So glad you like it, Miss Fairfax. GWENDOLEN I had no idea there were any flowers in the country. CECILY Oh, flowers are as common here, Miss Fairfax, as people are in London. ii.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 123 GWENDOLEN Personally I cannot understand how anybody manages to exist in the country, if anybody who is anybody does. The country always bores me to death. CECILY Ah ! This is what the newspapers call agri- cultural depression, is it not ? I believe the aristocracy are suffering very much from it just at present. It is almost an epidemic amongst them. I have been told. May I offer you some tea, Miss Fairfax ? GWENDOLEN [With elaborate politeness.] Thank you. [Aside.] Detestable girl ! But I require tea ! CECILY [Sweetly.] Sugar ? GWENDOLEN [Superciliously.] No, thank you. Sugar is not fashionable any more. [CECILY looks angrily at her, takes up the tongs and puts four lumps of sugar into the cup.] 124 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT CECILY [Severely.] Cake or bread and butter ? GWENDOLEN [In a bored manner.] Bread and butter, please. Cake is rarely seen at the best houses nowa- days. CECILY [Cuts a very large slice of cake, and puts it on the tray.] Hand that to Miss Fairfax. [MERRIMAN does so, and goes out with footman. GWENDOLEN drinks the tea and makes a grimace. Puts dorm cup at once, reaches out her hand to the bread and butter, looks at it, andjinds it is cake. Rises in indignation.] GWENDOLEN You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar, and though I asked most distinctly for bread and butter, you have given me cake. I am known for the gentleness of my disposition, and the extraordinary sweetness of my nature, but I warn you, Miss Cardew, you may go too far. u.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 125 CECILY [Rising.'] To save my poor, innocent, trusting boy from the machinations of any other girl there are no lengths to which I would not go. GWENDOLEN From the moment I saw you I distrusted you. I felt that you were false and deceitful. I am never deceived in such matters. My first im- pressions of people are invariably right. CECILY It seems to me, Miss Fairfax, that I am tres- passing on your valuable time. No doubt you have many other calls of a similar character to make in the neighbourhood. [Enter JACK.] GWENDOLEN [Catching sight of him.] Ernest! My own Ernest ! JACK Gwendolen ! Darling ! [Offers to Jdss her.] GWENDOLEN [Drawing back.] A moment! May I ask if 126 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT you are engaged to be married to this young lady? [Points to CECILY.] JACK [Laughing.] To dear little Cecily ! Of course not! What could have put such an idea into your pretty little head ? GWENDOLEN Thank you. You may ! [Offers her cheek.] [Very sweetly."] I knew there must be some misunderstanding, Miss Fairfax. The gentleman whose arm is at present round your waist is my guardian, Mr. John Worthing. GWENDOLEN I beg your pardon ? CECILY This is Uncle Jack, GWENDOLEN [Receding.] Jack! Oh! [Enter ALGERNON.] ii.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 127 CECILY Here is Ernest ALGERNON [Goes straight over to CECILY without noticing any one else.'] My own love ! [Offers to kiss her.'] CECILY [Drawing back.'] A moment, Ernest ! May I ask you are you engaged to be married to this young lady ? ALGERNON [Looking round.] To what young lady Good heavens ! Gwendolen ! CECILY Yes ! to good heavens, Gwendolen, I mean to Gwendolen. ALGERNON [Laughing.] Of course not ! What could have put such an idea into your pretty little head ? CECILY Thank you. [Presenting her cheek to be kissed.] You may. [ALGERNON kisses her.] 128 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT GWENDOLEN I felt there was some slight error, Miss Cardew. The gentleman who is now embracing you is my cousin, Mr. Algernon Moncrieff. CECILY [Breaking away from ALGERNON.] Algernon Moncrieff! Oh ' [The two girls move towards each other and put their arms round each other's waists as if for protection.] CECILY Are you called Algernon ? I cannot deny it. CECILY Oh! GWENDOLEN Is your name really John ? JACK [Standing r&ther proudly."] I could deny it if I liked. I could deny anything if I liked. But my name certainly is John. It has been John for years. ii.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 129 CECILY [To GWENDOLEN.] A gross deception has been practised on both of us. GWENDOLEN My poor wounded Cecily ! CECILY My sweet wronged Gwendolen ! GWENDOLEN [Slowly and seriously."] You will call me sister, will you not ? [They embrace. JACK and ALGERNON groan and walk up and down.] CECILY [Rather brightly.] There is just one question I would like to be allowed to ask my guardian GWENDOLEN An admirable idea ! Mr. Worthing, there is just one question I would like to be permitted to put to you. Where is your brother Ernest ? We are both engaged to be married to your brother Ernest, so it is a matter of some import- ance to us to know where your brother Ernest is at present. 130 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT JACK [Slowly and hesitatingly.'] Gwendolen Cecily it is very painful for me to be forced to speak the truth. It is the first time in ray life that I have ever been reduced to such a painful posi- tion, and I am really quite inexperienced in doing anything of the kind. However, I will tell you quite frankly that I have no brother Ernest. I have no brother at all. I never had a brother in my life, and I certainly have not the smallest intention of ever having one in the future. CECILY [Surprised.] No brother at all? JACK [Cheerily.] None ! GWENDOLEN [Severely.] Had you never a brother of any kind? [Pleasantly.] Never. Not even of any kind. H.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 131 GWENDOLEN I am afraid it is quite clear, Cecily, that neither of us is engaged to be married to any one. CECILY It is not a very pleasant position for a young girl suddenly to find herself in. Is it ? GWENDOLEN Let us go into the house. They will hardly venture to come after us there. CECILY No, men are so cowardly, aren't they ? [They retire into the house with scornful looks.] JACK This ghastly state of things is what you call Bunburying, I suppose ? ALGERNON Yes, and a perfectly wonderful Bunbury it is. The most wonderful Bunbury I have ever had in my life. JACK Well, you 've no right whatsoever to Bunbury here. 132 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT ALGERNON That is absurd. One has a right to Bunbury anywhere one chooses. Every serious Bunburyist knows that JACK Serious Bunburyist ! Good heavens ! ALGERNON Well, one must be serious about something, if one wants to have any amusement in life. I happen to be serious about Bunburying. What on earth you are serious about I haven't got the remotest idea. About everything, I should fancy. You have such an absolutely trivial nature. JACK Well, the only small satisfaction I have in the whole of this wretched business is that your friend Bunbury is quite exploded. You won't be able to run down to the country quite so often as you used to do, dear Algy. And a very good thing too. ALGERNON Your brother is a little off colour, isn't he, dear n.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 133 Jack ? You won't be able to disappear to London quite so frequently as your wicked custom was. And not a bad thing either. JACK As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew, I must say that your taking in a sweet, simple, innocent girl like that is quite inexcusable. To say nothing of the fact that she is my ward. ALGERNON I can see no possible defence at all for your deceiving a brilliant, clever, thoroughly ex- perienced young lady like Miss Fairfax. To say nothing of the fact that she is my cousin. JACK I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolen, that is all. I love her. ALGERNON Well, I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily. I adore her. JACK There is certainly no chance of your marrying Miss Cardew. 134 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT ALGERNON I don't think there is much likelihood, Jack, of you and Miss Fairfax being united. JACK Well, that is no business of yours. ALGERNON If it was my business, I wouldn't talk about it, [Begins to eat muffins.] It is very vulgar to talk about one's business. Only people like stock- brokers do that, and then merely at dinner parties. JACK How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in this horrible trouble, I can't make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless. ALGERNON Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them. ii.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 136 JACK I say it's perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the circumstances. ALGERNON When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me. Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as any one who knows me in- timately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink. At the present moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins. [Rising,] JACK [Rising.] Well, that is no reason why you should eat them all in that greedy way. [Takes muffins from ALGERNON.] ALGERNON \0ffering lea-cake^ I wish you would have tea-cake instead. I don't like tea-cake. JACK Good heavens ! I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own garden 136 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT ALGERNON But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins. JACK I said it was perfectly hearties? of you, under the circumstances. That is a very different thing. ALGERNON That may be. But the muffins are the same. [He seises the muffin-dish from JACK.] JACK Algy, I wish to goodness you would go. ALGERNON You can't possibly ask me to go without having some dinner. It 's absurd. I never go without my dinner. No one ever does, except vegetarians and people like that. Besides I have just made arrangements with Dr. Chasuble to be christened at a quarter to six under the name of Ernest. JACK My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that .] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 137 nonsense the better. I made arrangements this morning with Dr. Chasuble to be christened myself at 5.30, and I naturally will take the name of Ernest. Gwendolen would wish it. We can't both be christened Ernest. It's absurd. Besides, I have a perfect right to be christened if I like. There is no evidence at all that I have ever been christened by anybody. I should think it extremely probable I never was, and so does Dr. Chasuble. It is entirely different in your case. You have been christened already. ALGERNON Yes, but I have not been christened for years. JACK Yes, but you have been christened That is the important thing. ALGERNON Quite so. So I know my constitution can stand it. If you are not quite sure about your ever having been christened, I must say I think it rather dangerous your venturing on it now. It might make you very unwell. You can hardly 138 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT have forgotten that some one very closely con- nected with you was very nearly carried off this week in Paris by a severe chill. JACK Yes, but you said yourself that a severe chill was not hereditary. ALGERNON It usen't to be, I know but I daresay it is now. Science is always making wonderful im- provements in things. JACK [Picking up the muffin-dish.] Oh, that is non- sense ; you are always talking nonsense. ALGERNON Jack, you are at the muffins again ! I wish you wouldn't. There are only two left. [Takes them.] I told you I was particularly fond of muffins. JACK But I hate tea-cake. n.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 139 ALGERNON Why on earth then do you allow tea-cake to be served up for your guests? What ideas you have of hospitality ! Algernon ! I have already told you to go. I don't want you here. Why don't you go ! ALGERNON I haven't quite finished my tea yet ! and there is still one muffin left. [JACK groans, and sinks into a chair. ALGERNON still continues eating.] ACT DROP THIRD ACT THIRD ACT SCENE Morning-room at the Manor House. [GWENDOLEN and CECILY are at the window, look- ing out into the garden.] GWENDOLEN The fact that they did not follow us at once into the house, as any one else would have done, seems to me to show that they have some sense of shame left. CECILY They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance. GWENDOLEN [After a pause."] They don't seem to notice us at all. Couldn't you cough ? 144 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT CECILY But I haven't got a cough. GWENDOLEN They 're looking at us. What effrontery ' CECILY They 're approaching. That 's very forward of them. GWENDOLEN Let us preserve a dignified silence. CECILY Certainly. It 's the only thing to do now. [Enter JACK followed by ALGERNON. They whistle some dreadful popular air from a British Opera.] GWENDOLEN This dignified silence seems to produce an unpleasant effect. CECILY A most distasteful one. GWENDOLEN But we will not be the first to speak. ni.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 146 CKCILY Certainly not. GWENDOLEN Mr. Worthing, I have something very particular to ask you. Much depends on your reply CECILY Gwendolen, your common sense is invaluable. Mr. Moncrieff, kindly answer me the following question. Why did you pretend to be my guardian's brother? ALGERNON In order that I might have an opportunity of meeting you. CECILY [To GWENDOLEN.] That certainly seems a satisfactory explanation, does it not? GWENDOLEN Yes, dear, if you can believe him. CECILY I don't. But that does not affect the wonder- ful beauty of his answer. 146 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT GWENDOLEN True. In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity is the vital thing. Mr. Worthing, what explanation can you offer to me for pretending to have a brother? Was it in order that you might have an opportunity of coming up to town to see me as often as possible ? JACK Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax ? GWENDOLEN I have the gravest doubts upon the subject. But I intend to crush them. This is not the moment for German scepticism. [Moving to CECILY.] Their explanations appear to be quite satisfactory, especially Mr. Worthing's. That seems to me to have the stamp of truth upon it. CECILY I am more than content with what Mr. Mon- crieff said. His voice alone inspires one with absolute credulity. ra.J IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 147 GWENDOLEN Then you think we should forgive them? CBCILY Yes. I mean no. GWENDOLEN True ! I had forgotten. There are principles at stake that one cannot surrender. Which of us should tell them ? The task is not a pleasant one. CECILY Could we not both speak at the same time? GWENDOLEN An excellent idea ! I nearly always speak at the same time as other people. Will you take the tune from me ? CECILY Certainly. [GWENDOLEN beats time with uplifted Jinger.} GWENDOLEN and CECILY [Speaking together.'] Your Christian names are still an insuperable barrier. That is all ! 148 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT JACK and ALGERNON [Speaking together.'] Our Christian names ! Is that all ? But we are going to be christened this afternoon. GWENDOLEN [To JACK.] For my sake you are prepared to do this terrible thing ? JACK I am. CECILY [To ALGERNON.] To please me you are ready to face this fearful ordeal ? ALGERNON lam! GWENDOLEN How absurd to talk of the equality of the sexes! Where questions of self-sacrifice are concerned, men are infinitely beyond us. JACK We are. [Clasps hands with ALGERNON.] in.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 149 CECILY They have moments of physical courage of which we women know absolutely nothing. GWENDOLEN [To JACK.] Darling ! ALGERNON [To CECILY.] Darling ! [They fall into each other's arms.] [Enter MERRIMAN. When he enters he coughs loudly, seeing the situation.] MERRIMAN Ahem ! Ahem ! Lady Bracknell ! JACK Good heavens ! [Enter LADY BRACKNELL. The couples separate in alarm. Exit MERRIMAN.] LADY BRACKNELL Gwendolen ! What does this mean ? GWENDOLEN Merely that I am engaged to be married to Mr. Worthing, mamma. 160 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT LADY BRACKNELL Come here. Sit down. Sit down immediately. Hesitation of any kind is a sign of mental decay in the young, of physical weakness in the old. [Turns to JACK.] Apprised, sir, of my daughter's sudden flight by her trusty maid, whose con- fidence I purchased by means of a small coin, I followed her at once by a luggage train. Her unhappy father is, I am glad to say, under the impression that she is attending a more than usually lengthy lecture by the University Extension Scheme on the Influence of a permanent income on Thought. I do not propose to undeceive him. Indeed I have never undeceived him on any question. I would consider it wrong. But of course, you will clearly understand that all communi- cation between yourself and my daughter must cease immediately from this moment. On this point, as indeed on all points, I am firm. JACK I am engaged to be married to Gwendolen Lady Bracknell ! in.] IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 151 LADY BRACKNELL You are nothing of the kind, sir. And now, as regards Algernon ! . . . Algernon 1 Yes, Aunt Augusta LADY BRACKNELL May I ask if it is in this house that your invalid friend Mr. Bunbury resides '( ALGERNON [Stammering.'] Oh ! No ! Bunbury doesn't live here. Bunbury is somewhere else at present In fact, Bunbury is dead, LADY BRACKNELL Dead! When did Mr. Bunbury die? His death must have been extremely sudden. ALGERNON [Airily.] Oh! I killed Bunbury this after- noon. I mean poor Bunbury died this after- noon. LADY BRACKNELL What did he die of? 152 IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST [ACT ALGERNON Bunbury ? Oh, he was quite exploded LADY BRACKNELL Exploded ! Was he the victim of a revolu- tionary outrage? I was not aware that Mr. Bunbury was interested in social legislation. If so, he is well punished for his morbidity. ALGERNON My dear Aunt Augusta, I mean he was found out! The doctors found out that Bun- bury could not live, that is what I mean so Bunbury died. LADY BRACKNELL He seems to have had great confidence in the opinion of his physicians. I am glad, how- ever, that he made up his mind at the last to some definite course of action, and acted under proper medical advice. And now that we have finally got rid of this Mr. Bunbury, may I ask, Mr. Worthing, who is that young person whose hand my nephew Algernon is now holding in what seems to me a peculiarly unnecessary manner ? ni.J IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST 153 JACK That lady is Miss Cecily Cardew, my ward. [LADY BRACKNELL bows coldly to CECILY.] ALGERNON I am engaged to be married to Cecily, Aunt Augusta. I