University of California Berkeley SHORT FURROWS SHORT FURROWS By KIN HUBBARD ILLUSTRATIONS BY THE AUTHOR INDIANAPOLIS THE BOBBS-MERRILL CO. PUBLISHERS Copyright 1911 THE BOBBS-MERRILL Co. SHORT FURROWS SHORT FURROWS THE GRAND MARSHAL BY HON. EX-EDITUR CALE FLUHART A grand marshal is a fellow who is not strong enough politi- cally to pull down a dep- uty game wardenship, but who pos- sesses all the essential qual- ities of a gilt edged general or a fiery rear-admiral. Grand marshals come in all shapes and SHORT FURROWS sizes, but a first class A No. i grand mar- shal weighs 250 pounds, clips his head and wears a stiff, drooping mustache that not only gives him the appearance of being a man who is quick to act, but also serves as a dandy little soup strainer. He retires on the evening preceding the day he is to scin- tilate at the usual hour and gets up in the morning with the milk men and jumps into his glossy black suit and shines his boots with stove polish. After worrying down a heavy breakfast, the grand marshal sum- mons his wife, and then the work of ad- justing his red oiled muslin sash begins. At 6 o'clock he is in the saddle and by 6:30 he has four drinks under his sash. By 8 o'clock he is pickled. It does not make any difference to a regular grand marshal what hour the festivities of the day are to begin. All he wants to know is the day and date. Rushing madly up and down the main 2 SHORT FURROWS streets, the grand marshal personally super- vises the arrangement of bunting and flags, drives the peanut and hot sausage venders nearer the courthouse fence and pushes the prominent citizens back of the dead line. "Git back, stand back, everybody, git back!!!" cries the grand marshal from 6 A. M. till the livery stable closes. Little chil- dren hate a grand marshal. It's no uncom- mon thing for a man or woman to point out some old decrepit man and say, "Curse that old geezer! Away with him! He was a grand marshal when I was a child/' If the town is dry, a grand marshal drinks in a box stall. If it is wet, he drinks in the saddle at the handiest side door. A grand marshal is a great spectacle but he should be viewed from the belfry of the courthouse where his maneuvers may be watched with impunity, beyond the reach of his breath and hickory cane. 4 BROWN COUNTYISMS Fun is like life insurance, th' older you git th ? more it costs. 5 What's become o' th' ole-fashioned girl that used t' say "lips that touch wine shall never touch mine"? 5 Talkin' o' great authors, a hog from th' pen o' Tilford Moots brought $47.21 yister- day. & Somebuddy wuz seen comin' out o' our Carnegie library Wednesday forenoon. Ever'buddy stood up at Melodeon Hall last night when th' orchestry played "My Country, What is it t' You?" 5 SHORT FURROWS This is a funny ole world. Jist as soon as you git fifty er seventy-five cents saved up your shoes break on the sides. v Some folks don't seem t' have nothin' but a lot o' information. A uniform an 5 a celluloid collar er insep- arable. S Bosko Moon died at 89 yisterday. He was th' first Democrat t' be well liked in this county. V Mortimer Green (wet) an' wife (dry) Wednesdayed at Morgantown. * A optimist is a feller that retains his com- posure when it rains on th' big day o' th' fair. 6 HINTS FOR ALL BY MISS FAWN LIPPINCUT If a woman living in the country can get up at 7 o'clock in the morning and get break- fast, do her own housework, dress and but- ton her own back, fix her hair up secure- ly, powder her nose, catch a train, reach the city, eat a lunch and be in her seat at the theater at two-ten in the afternoon, why can't a woman 7 SHORT FURROWS Be kind and tolerant around home. Re- member, it will soon be morning and you can go to work. 8 SHORT FURROWS living a few blocks north of the same the- ater, with a house full of servants and an automobile, do the same thing? Two fellows should never take one girl to the theater. It disturbs those about them. Never attempt to describe a play. S The most important lines in a play are generally being spoken just as a bunch of high-brows swish by you and congregate at the end of the row just ahead. The less your seat cost the less you will be disturbed. * If your wife delights in entertaining that is all well and good. A house full of com- pany will often save you. 9 SHORT FURROWS No play is ever perfectly lovely. S When buying a theater ticket hand the box office man a good cigar and politely re- quest him not to seat you near anybody that may have seen the show in Chicago. ^ Ushers should not skate in the aisles. ; S Never tell the box-office man that you can't hear well or he will sell you a seat where you can't see either. sr If you have to stand up eight or nine times till your row fills up, remember we are not all newspaper people and get in on passes. ?> Next to getting in a theater, the hardest thing is to look natural in a box. 10 SHORT FURROWS If your wife is fond of the drama, en- courage her. You are not fighting at home in a theater. s The unhappier you are at home the louder you will whistle at work. $ Don't rush to the divorce courts. You can even get along with a trained seal by handing it a whitefish occasionally. 5 If your wife is peevish and you live in the West, get a position as Eastern representa- tive of some home factory. J5 There is no way to unwrap a caramel without spoiling a play. 5 Begin to-night to step on the end seat hog's toe. ii SHORT FURROWS Goat furs should be checked and not car- ried to your seat. ?r A gallery god is never late, tf If your wife objects to getting breakfast because she looks so ugly early in the morn- ing you ought to be glad. S If you live in the East and your children are noisy and hard to manage, become the Western manager of some big concern. If If your wife insists on trying her hand at pastry remember that an occasional piece of home-made pie will not injure you perma- nently. 12 THE AMATEUR ACTOR BY TELL BINKLEY An amateur actor is a fellow who can not act. He is ready and willing to act, and often looks like he could act, but he can not. Every town supports at least one amateur actor. It has to, for after the amateur actor gets a whiff of the footlights and a complimentary puff in the home weekly he at once becomes disqualified for further usefulness and loafs from one local entertainment to the next. 13 SHORT FURROWS In appearance an amateur actor does not differ materially from a high school teacher or a saddler. Occasionally there is one with an ashen pallor and black curly hair and eyes like a locomotive engineer who has washed up hurriedly after a long, smoky run. But the average amateur actor would not cause more than passing notice should he be seen leaning on the town pump or stepping into the postoffice. It doesn't make a particle of difference to an amateur actor what play is up for re- hearsal. He is long on memorizing, and "Don Csesar," "William Tell," "The Naiad Queen" or "The Pirates of Penzance" all look alike to him. He can sing a ballad, or will sing one whether he can or not, and jump at the chance to do a Highland fling. The only time he ever has stage fright is when the theater threatens to burn the day before he expects to "act." 14 SHORT FURROWS SHORT FURROWS In many towns the amateur actor is the correspondent for some dramatic journal and his weekly letter reads like this: EOUNDHEAD, OHIO. GRAND (Ike White, mgr.): "Irma, the Waif," isth, to large and cultured audience. Company fair. Work of Bonnie LeClair, contortionist, far above the average.==THE PLEASANT HOUR (Col. Moon, mgr.): dark; film lost in the mails.=THE LYRIC (Mort Hines, mgr.) : "Two Orphans," in three films. Crowds to the curbs.=THE FOLLY (Anson Stark, mgr.) : Two comic films. Song "Father's Crayon Portrait is in the Garret." Capacity .=NOTES : Your correspondent had the pleasure of meeting Bonnie LeClair, of the "Irma, the Waif" Co. She is doing excellent work and has a great frog act in preparation. "Stew" Nugent, an old local boy, writes that he is doing great work ahead of "No Hand Outstretched to Save Her" com- pany, burning up the opposition through the Dakotas and playing nine returns in Montana. His mother works here. Jack Springer, trom- bonist, who joined Ot Freeman's Big Min- strels at Fremont, Ohio, a few days ago, has returned. He says their treasurer went to Pittsburgh to get a horizontal bar turn to strengthen the show and is still there. A light snow has kept Riley Mason, advance "Gertie, the Garment Maker," in town for a few days. "The Two Orphans" reels went from here to Bucyrus. Anon. An amateur actor always speaks of Julia Marlowe as just plain Marlowe, and swears that he can't see how Bob Mantell gets by. Nothing pleases an amateur actor quite so much as to have someone ask him why he 16 SHORT FURROWS never adopted the stage as a profession. If his mother is alive it's because she wants him at home. But if she is dead he will assume a serious air and say, "Aw, it's a dog's life." COUNTRY STORE PHILOSOPHY Ther's allus somethin' about a good fer nothin' feller t' attract a purty girl. ^ Tell Binkley paid ten cents an' took th' oriental degree in a circus side show yister- day. 3" Ther's no conjestion o' traffic on Easy Street. 3- A firm chin is helpless without a stiff upper lip. ?> Tell Binkley has traded his sister's farm fer a new torpedo shaped racin' car. 3r Two hobbles make a harem. 18 SHORT FURROWS Tell Binkley found two dollars in a ole vest yisterday an' he can't think who he owes 'em to. * It's funny folks can't eat soup without thinkin' ther bailin' out a cistern. & Ex-editur Cale Fluhart has come out flat footed fer th' licensed saloon as he says a fellow will sometimes pay fer his paper after he's been drinkin'. One advantage o' livin' in a little town is that you er absolutely sure t' see at least one performance o' St. Elmo ever' season. i A feller allus speaks o' goin' with a widow like it wuz somethin' smart. $ She who hesitates is saved. 19 THE VILLAGE SPORT BY PINKY KERR The fifteen ball pool, or common va- riety, of vil- lage sport gets up at 9 o'clock in the morning. Aft- er he nibbles about the pan- try for five or ten minutes he places a smoothing iron on the kitchen stove and rolls a few "pills" and arranges his itinerary for the day. After the iron has reached the 20 SHORT FURROWS proper temperature, the task of pressing a fierce, razor edged crease in his trousers is on, his whole soul entering into the work. Then he retires to his room and slicks up, after which he borrows a quarter from his mother. This ends his business worries for the day, and he hurries to Mack's Place, where he is at once the envy of all the geeks. If the pool variety of sport happens to have a sister who is working he leaves a call for an earlier hour, that he may touch her for a half before she starts for the catsup factory or the Elite millinery parlors. The dandy little wizard of the spherical ivories can swing more business with a few nickels than a Hunyak grade builder. His on-and-off layout consists of two foxy "special to-day only" suits of loud design and doubtful texture, cut very loose and en- livened with a peck of pearl-faced buttons, 21 SHORT FURROWS together with a few non-equipment acces- sories. Indeed, a village ne'er-do-well, of the ball and cue sort, has not infrequently copped out the pride of the hamlet with nothing to commend him but his wiry bangs and a cot- ton and wood fiber suit of purplish cast, thereby coming into a rich slice of a pro- ductive farm or a flourishing title mill. Of course he has to be careful and not let the sun hit his clothes or the match would be a blow off. In our underweight, or oiled street towns, there are many varieties of the E-flat sport besides the one that lolls in the whittled chairs of the pool bazar. There's the craps shooting sport that hangs about the livery, feed and sale stable and smells like a goat; the buggy riding sport that works up to a narrow rig with yellow running gears, the one with the blue bow on his whip, who 22 SHORT FURROWS Next t' th j average relative there haint nothin' that sticks as tight as a stamp that's been put on by mistake. SHORT FURROWS haunts the quiet country lanes every Sun- day with a rosy-faced belle in a wilted lawn dress, a drooping hat and runover heels; the leaning sport" with the yellow strings of his tobacco bag dangling from his hip pocket, who does nothing worse than polish the corner of the People's Bank; the fancy shirt sport, that has consented to clerk and swings on the awning ropes and kids the schoolgirls when he is not crossing the street to the postoffice or sprinkling the sidewalk; and the last, but not least, the Stop 9 sport, who stands by the milk cans and looks pretty when the interurban car whizzes by. The one obstacle between the average pump-and-trough town sport and work is his mother. She thinks he's the goods. However, you never see him hanging around his father. 24 ABE MARTIN SAYS I hate t' eat by a feller that holds his arms like a snare drummer. ?r Next t' a cantaloupe ther haint nothin' as fickle as a pop'lar girl. 8 When a feller gits beaten fer office he allus says his wife didn't want him t' run. sr Th' socialist party is jist around th' corner. Sr A onion a day keeps th' doctor away an' others. 8 Ever'buddy is afraid o' boardin' house hash but a one armed feller. 25 SHORT FURROWS Constant Reader, Lilac, Indianny Th' little poem by Miss Fawn Lippincut, which you asked fer, is printed herewith: Oh, th' purty little birds! How I love t' hear them sing, Ez they flit from tree t' tree Let me count them, one, two, three! Some er red an' some er blue, But th' red er very few. It's funny women don't even absent- mindedly shut a car door occasionally. X Mrs. Tilford Moots entertained th' Art Embroidery Club yisterday as it wuz to wet t' plow. V Next t' a good resturint th' hardest thing to find is yisterday's paper. $ Prohibition only makes it more difficult. 26 SHORT FURROWS Th' unusual plentifulness o' parsnips ought t' greatly reduce th' cost o' livin' likewise the desire. SHORT FURROWS Lafe Bud says he's sorry he didn't learn t' be a dentist so he could charge folks jist what he happened to need. *$ Constable Plum's married dorter, who lives in a city, went to see John Drew in a sack suit last night. V Quite a crowd gathered in front o' th' Little Gem resturint yisterday t' see a feller with a droopin' mustache eat spaghetty. -& One good thing about a little town you kin git in th' band. ^ Ther's many a slip twixt th' blue prints an' a new house. V Ever' feller has a age when he gits his pic- ture took with his hat on. 28 SHORT FURROWS Th' New Palace hut-tel asks th' indul- gence o' th' travelin' public fer a few days while th' roller towel is being vulcanized. 29 SHORT FURROWS A bum pianner an' a bum pianner player allus git together. S Miss Fawn Lippincut is writin' a film fer th' flicker circuit. 3 Folks that er quick t' order er slow t' pay. S 'Bout th' only thing a newspaper don't have t' exaggerate is a automobile accident. ?> Sometimes a self-made man is as poor a job as a homemade hair cut. ?r A holiday allus makes th' next day seem like Sunday, 'cept th' front an' side doors o' saloons er both open. sr Th' roller towel at th' New Palace hut-tel is cracked in three places. 30 SHORT FURROWS Fer ever' feller what's lookin' fer work ther's nine hidin' from it. SHORT FURROWS Nothin' goes as fer as kindness, 'cept th' butter in a dairy lunch room. V Ther's no seat scalpers fer th' water wagon. 3r Tell Binkley says he allus hates th' first o' th' month, when we all git letters with isin- glass fronts. 3r Knowin' all 'bout baseball is jist 'bout as profitable as bein' a good whittler. tf A roller towel wouldn't be so bad if th' landlord changed th' film oftener. V Ther's gittin' t' be too many folks that work jist long enough t' git a suit o' clothes. tf A friend with an auto is a friend indeed. 32 SHORT FURROWS Miss Germ Williams jist laughin'ly scratched her name an' address on a link o' bologna last campaign an' t'day she received a copy o' Fred Landis' new book. 33 SHORT FURROWS Mrs. Tilford Moots will take her little boy t' see his grandmother in Illinoy next week fer th' last time as he'll soon look too big t' ride fer nothin'. tf It haint been long since a feller used to say, "Why I wouldn' think no more o' doin' that than I'd think o' flyin'." Q Marriage reforms some fellers an' others try it two or three times. ^r Lafe Bud says he allus feels like a odd cuff button when his mother-in-law is around. S Some feller's idea o' reciprocity is return- in' a wheelbarrow an' borrowin' a lawn mower. S Th' feller that asks fer a position haint lookin' fer work. 34 SHORT FURROWS A optimist is allus broke. $: Ther'll never be no real pleasure in motor- in' till th' farmer watches his team instead o' th' auto. s. Miss Fawn Lippincut says it's th' duty o' th' groom t' take all risk in havin' th' panta- loons o' th' best man's borrowed dress suit shortened. 9 Tipton Bud talks some o' sellin' his farm as th' exercise is too violent. tf Tell Binkley has dropped out o' th' Avia- tor's Club. ^r A Socialist is a feller that wants t' dance without contributin' anything toward payin' th' violinist. 35 SHORT FURROWS Fifty years ago t'day Ez Pash started fer Canada, where he stayed till th' close o' th' war. V Th' principal trouble with folks that'll pay if they've got it is that they git things with- out havin' it. IS You kin allus tell a travelin' salesman by th' number o' seats he monopolizes. S Curt Hedges has advertised fer a barber that kin furnish his own terbacker. V Some girls git all ther is out o' life in one summer. s It might help th' consumer t' take a more cheerful view o' life if th' butcher would let th' meat stay on th' scales long enough t' see what it weighed. 36 SHORT FURROWS What's become o' th' ole time girl that used t' wait patiently till th' right feller come along? S Miss Myrtie Louise Mopps, who's been th' guest o' Miss Tawney Apple, at White Wy- andotte Place, returned t' her home at Mor- gantown after th' Astor weddin'. 5 You kin never tell who rain an' apathy will elect. 3r Th' feller that won't pay anythin' believes in treatin' ever'buddy alike. fc You kin make lastin' friends o' some folks by consultin' 'em. What's become o' th' feller that used t' chew a quill toothpick with a bubble on th' end? 37 SHORT FURROWS Nobuddy works as hard fer his money as th' feller that marries it. Money talks, an' when some fellers spend it, it fairly yells. S- Th' latest menace is th' feller that smokes th' band on a nickel se-gar. ^ A feller asked fer a money order at th' pustoffice at Crawfordsville, th' other day, an' when th' pustmaster asked him fer how much, he said, "Oh, a quart, I reckon." B- Mrs. Edith Mopps an' her daughter Edythe, Tuesdayed at th' home o' Tipton Bud. 3- I wonder how long most fellers would stick t' a secret order if it wuzn' fer th' gold braid? 38 SHORT FURROWS A pessimist is a feller that bought a set o' Dickens once fer twenty-five cents down an' finally had t' pay th' rest. f Writin' is gittin' t' be 'bout as cheap as talk. S Th' farmer that sets under a yaller um- breller an' reads th' daily papers while he's plowin' has cut out lightnin' rods an' patent gates. ?r Even th' fact that alderberries require very little sugar don't seem t' stimulate th' demand. "S" Newspaper articles on mushrooms make fat graveyards. ^ Al Marsh came back from Colorado yis- terday lookin' like another man but Con- stable Plum recognized him. 39 SHORT FURROWS Many a feller has gone broke trustin' Providence. ?> Lafe Bud has a new ten dollar frock suit an' he looks like a country prosecutor, 'cept his hair is cut. ^ An' all around feller gathers no moss. 3r What's become o' Ole Aunt Rhody that wuz so popular with th' music teachers? s Some fellers er allus talkin' about accept- in' a position jist like negotiations had been pendin' fer years. sr I'll bet if ther wuz a uniform divorce law Jake Astor would have a swell uniform. 3- A fat man allus seems t' resent it when you hand him somethin' he's dropped. 40 SHORT FURROWS I never felt ole till I read o' Esther Cleve- land's engagement. It don't seem like a week since I wuz carryin' a torch fer her father. Th' girl that runs with a easy mark allus marries a tight wad. S Some fellers er very exclusive till they come t' a free lunch. One fork makes th' whole world kin. ?> Miss Fawn Lippincut says that while it haint proper it's often necessary t' hold hands with a young man you've only met once. ?r Miss Germ Williams, editress o' Th 9 Home an' Hen, gave a delightful cotillon last night. Indian Runner duck eggs wuz given as favors. SHORT FURROWS It's no disgrace t' be poor, but it might as well be. S Disobligin' people allus hold positions that anybuddy in th' world could fill. 5 Th' feller that rushes in generally crawls out. fc Fer ever' feller that goes in th' chicken business one fails. 3r Th' feller that fails in th' East would starve in th' West. It's better t' have loved an' lost than try t' pick out a gocart with your wife. ?> A reckless driver allus seems partial t' yel- low runnin' gears. 42 SHORT FURROWS Flattery won't hurt you if you don't swaller it. fc When you do find a boy that's tryin' t' git a education he seems t' think th' whole world ought t' help him. 5 A holiday is hardly worth th' energy it takes t' git back in th' harness agin. Ez Pash asked Dr. Mops what wuz th' matter with Miss Mouldy Bud an' he said, "Oh, you wouldn't know if I could pro- nounce it." I I /