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5233
R7Y6
F 11 1-: N c n ' s
arije dieting ISnftfoii.
No. LXXX.
TilE YOUNG WIDOW;
OR,
A LESSON FOR LOVERS.
A COMIC PIECE, IN ONE ACT.
BY
THOMAS G. RODWELL,
A5TH0K OF "NO DINNETl YET," ETC. ETC.
AS PERFORMED IN THE VARIOUS THEATRES THROUGHOUT
THE UNITED STATES.
TO WHICH ARE ADDED,
tVicnption ot the Costume — Cast of the Characters — Entrances and Rxit»—
Relative P)sitions of the Performers on the Stage, and the whole of th«
Stage Business.
NEW-YORK :
SAMUEL FRENCH,
121 .N A S S A T' - S T P> r: E T.
THE LIBRARY
UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA
SANTA BARBARA
Cast of tlje CSaractcvs. — The Yoing "W'ujow.
Park, N. Y.
Bowery, X. Y. Columbus, Ohio.
Mandcnille,
Mr. Simpson.
Mr. T. DuoP. Ma Forrest.
Splash,
'• Hilson,
" C. Burke. " Kent.
Aurelia,
Miss Kelly.
Miss Mary I^r'or. Mis-s Armstror-g
Lucy,
Mrs. Wheatley.
" Sutherland. Mrs. Powell.
Boston Theatre, 185« Walnut-st. Phil, 1855
Mandtville,
- Mr.
Beiton. Mr. S. Etynge.
Splash,
.
J. Wood, '• A. H. Davenport
Aurelia,
- Mrs. Kirby. Miss Weston.
Lucy.
-
J. Wood. Mrs. Jno. Sefton.
MODERN COSTUME.
STAGE DIRECTIONS.
EXITS AND ZNTE.4.NCES.
L. means First Entrance, Left. R. First Entrance, Right. S. E. L.
Second Entrance, Left. S. E. R. Secorid Entrance, Right. U. E. L.
Upper Entrance, Lcf*. U. E. R. Upper Entrance. Right C Centre.
L. G. Left of Centre R. C. Right of Centre. T. E. 1.' Third Entrance,
Left. T. E. R. Third Entrance, Right. C. D. Centre Dov. D. R,
Door Right. D. L. Door Left. U. D. L. Upper Door, Left. V. D. R
Upper Door, Right.
*,* The Reader is supposed to be on the Stage, faciim the Avdi«m:f
THE YOUNG WIDOW.
SCENE I. — Acrelia's apartment, elegantly furnished. Two doors in
the centre, one leading to a Bed-chamber, and the other to an inner
Drawing-room. — A Mask and an Officer's Uniform are seen lying on
one of the chairs.
E^iler Lucy from the Bed-chamber, looking at the uniform, c.
Lucy. So my mistress has made a pretty business of her last night's
adventure ; in a fit of a jealous curiosity, she follows her lover to the
masquerade in the disguise of a military officer, and there acts with so
little discretion as to arouse his suspicions ; he follows her home, and
sees her enter her own house, — and of course will naturally conclude
that he has discovered some more favored rival paying his mistress a
midnight visit : what will be the consequences, heaven onl}' knows.
Reappeared as if determined to take a most summary vengeance, for
directly after my mistress entered, we heard a most dreadful thundering
at the door. Fortunately the watch interfered, and saved us from his
further annoyance, but no doubt he will be here presently. Ah, curi-
osity and jealousy are the worst of passions, particularly in a female ;
well, thank my stars, I am free from both. J should very much like to
know, though, what became of that Mr. Splash last night, when his
master was out.
[Noii'e heard without, l. h., as of some one coming np stairs.
Splash, [without.] There, never mind, my dear, don't move the pail,
I can step over it. [Noise ivilhoul, as if he had slipped.
Oh, curse it ! I'm up to my knees in it ! Confound it ! Why couldn't
you keep your dishcloths out of the way, when you saw a gentleman
coming up I
.Enter Splash, l. n.
Lucy. Ah, Mr. Splash, have you had an accident 1
Splash. Yes, trying to get up without wetting the sole of my shoe,
took too long a stride, slipped, and there was poor Mr. Splash with his
foot in a pail of water 1
Lucy. Ah. you always put your foot in every thing.
Splash. Come, that's very fair of you, Lucy, but doubtless you were
prepared for it, for when you heard the pail go over, of co\irse vou
4 THE TOUNO WIDO'W.
thought there was Splash upon the stairs. Come, that's very fair of
me. too. [aside]
Lucy. By the bye, I wonder you were not at the masquerade last
night. Mr. Splash.
Splash. No wonder at all, Lucy: my master was there, but the fact
is, masquerades have grown vulgar of late, and / don't patronize them
any longer.
Lucy. To say the truth, that was precisely my reason for staying
away.
Splash. What a sj'mpathy of feeling. I see we were designed for
each other — and since we are alone, tell me, Lucy, when will you make
me the happiest cf valets.
Lucy. A\ hy, Mr. Splash, since you put the question to me, I believe
I must be candid, and inform you, that I have thought seriously on the
subject, and, without meaning any offence to you, Mr. Splash, I really
cannot think of surrendering mj liberty to any thing under a butler.
Splash, [aside. \ What an ambitious toad it is. But consider, Lucy,
I am but a valet it is true ; but I have an excellent master, and to say
the truth, I have got a trifle in his service ; you, 1 believe, have got a
trifle more — not that I am the least interested ; [asidc.^ though I hope
it's something considerable.
Lucy. Oh no, of course not ; [aside.'] I'm glad to hear, tho', that he
has been so prudent.
Splash. Now, Lucy, with what you've got, and with w'nat I've got —
Lucy. True, we might retire into private life.
Splash. Yes, and keep a public house for instance.
Lucy. \Mi3' that alters the face of affairs very much.
Splash. There, you know I shall be mixing the liquors, while j^ou're
drinking with the company, and
Lucy I drinking !
Splash. No, no ; I mean you will be mixing the liquors, while I'm
drinking with the company.
Lucy. That I think very probable.
Spla.sh. We shall be sure to have plenty of customers, for how de-
lightful it will be to see a sweet-tempered, charming-looking girl like
you, as full of spirits as our own brandy cask, on one side of the bar,
lowering the rum, and filling the pots half full of froth, whilst I, not
less interesting, and quite as honestly employed in the other side in
marking up my accounts with a double-pointed chalk.
Liicy. Oh ! it will be delightful, indeed !
Splash. You see, Lucy, I know how to run up a score.
Lucy. I hav'nt the least doubt of it.
Splash. Then give me your hand, Lucy, for I see the affair's set-
Jled
Lucy. Why I believe, Mr. Splash, I must confess, that — that
Sp!a.ih. [aside] The public-house carries it against the world. Then
>nly let me seal the bargain, Lucy, with a kiss and
Lucy. There you'll excuse me. These lips must not be touched by
aiortal man, till after the ceremony at least.
THE VOUNO WIDOW. O
Splash. Oh, what an amiable, virtuous little getter-up of small linen
it is But tell me, Lucy
Lucy. Say no more now ; I hear ray mistress coming ; you must
retire.
iSplash. Well Lucy, till the evening again. But when you hear me
whistling for you at the area window, don't i'ancy it's tlie call of an un-
welcome intruder, and fling a basin of dirty water out upon my head,
but remember the public-house and think of Splash lAxil, l.
Enter Aureli.\ from llic Bd-chambcr, c.
Lucy, Well, madam, how do you find yourself now i
AurcL Why, I am pretty well recovered from my fright. Lucy ; but I
still feel the greatest anxiety about the consequences, lor I am contident
Mandeville saw me enter.
Lucy. But you are certain niailaui, that he hail no suspicions of who
you really were.
Aurcl. Not the least in the world ; of course, he took me for an
officer. I heartily repent me of my folly ; but I have discovered one
thing by watching him at the masquerade.
Lucy. And what was that, madam?
Aurcl. Why, that he's a very wicked creature ; that he's not half so
moral as he pretends to be.
Lucy. Then if I were you, ma'am, I'd make a vow never to open my
lips again to him as long as I lived.
Aurcl. [icith sharpness .'\ Indeed, ma'am, I shall do no such thing !
But, for goodness sake, Lucy, get that unfortunate otKctr's uniform out
of the house ; for Mandeville is so very jealous, and so very eccentric,
that I should not wonder if he were to insist upon searching every
corner of the place. It's strange he has not been here — I shall tremble
at the sight of him. I would confess the truth, but he is so strangely
whimsical, that I fear he would consider my little plot unbecoming the
delicacy of a female, and I might lose him forever. But go this instant
and take away that unlucky disguise.
Lucy. I will, ma"aui.
Just as Lucy is going off with the (Ifficer's Dress, a tremendous
double knock is heard at the door, l. h.
Aurcl. Oh, preserve me I there he is, take the dress, Lucy, into my
chamber, or you'll meet hiiii on the stairs ; and while I hold him in
conversation, you find an opportunity of slipping out with it.
Lucy re-enters the led chamber, c ; Aureli.\ takes a book and seats
herself as if she were reading; Maxdevili.e enters and looks
suspiciously round ; Avrklh. pretends not to be conscious of his
•presence.
MaJid. [aside.'] All looks quiet at any rale. I see no signs-of my
military spark.
Auicl. [icith great naivete, ax if jit.st perceiving /lini.] .\li, Mande-
ville.
Mated, [u-ith great coolnc.'is.] Well, Madam I
6 THE YOUNG WIDOW.
Aurel. [axide] Madam ! it was he then. I must soften him ; why
you're not well, Mandeville.
Mand. In most perfect health, madam.
Aurel. [aswV/e.] Madam again. He's very bitter ; I mus'nt humor
him so much — then, sir, what is the meaning of this coolness \
Maud. Perhaps you can guess, madam.
Aurel. Suppose I plead ignorance and plainly ask you what this visit
means 1
Mand. Then, madam, I as plainly answer, it means, this is to be the
last visit you will be troubled with from Mandeville.
Aurel. Then, sir, that I may not be indebted to you, I as plainly
reply, that, since it is to be the last, the shorter it is made, the better I
shall be pleased. [as«/c.] Come, I think I was a match for him there.
Mand. Very well, ma'am. I shall not intrude.
Aurel. Well, sir. are you going ? [^scals herself.
Mand. Yes, ma'am, don't be alarmed — I'm going, ma'am — I'm going.
[asjde.] I wish she'd ask me to remain. Yes, I'm resolved, I'll not
stay another instant, [scat.'i himself.] No, I'll not stay another instant.
Aurel. Well, sir, are you gone !
Mand. Yes, I'm gone, ma'am, gone.
Aurel. \^looking rojind.] Gone !
Mand. No- — no — that is, I'm going, [aside.] But I'll be resolute — I
will return it at once.
Aurel. [aside.] What's coming now 1
Mand [takins: a miniature in a red morocco case out of his bosom.]
Here, ma'am, I have worn this near my heart ; but now I respect it no
longer.
Aurel. Then sir, I think you had better return it to the giver.
Mand. That's what I intended, ma'am.
Aurel. Very well, sir : then give it me.
Mand. You shall have it ma'am — you shall have it.
He keeps the picture in his hand looking at it, without offering to
return it.
Aurel. Well, sir, you really seem very anxious to part with it.
Mand. Oh. it's very amusing, I dare say, ma'am, but you shall have
it. There, take it, madam.
Mandeville, ivithout apparently knowing what he does, takes the
■picture out of the case, looks at it affectionately, puts the picture in
his pocket and presents the case to Aurelia.
Mand. There it is, ma'am, there it is.
Aurel. [opening the case.] Is it, indeed ! upon my word, I don't
see it. ...
Mand. Oh ! I beg your pardon, ma'am, [givinff her the picture with
greatrelucfance.] It was all a mistake, ma'am.
Axtrcl. Oh, of course— and now I have it, upon my life, I don't
know what I'm to do with it.
Mand. {aside.'\ Now I'll be severe— Why, now, madam, you may
give it to your officer.
THE TOUNG WIDOW. 7
Aurel. \aside.'\ So, lie's coming to the point at last — My officer, sir 1
Mand Yes, nia'ain, your officer, your colonel, your captain, your
corporal, or whatever he rnay be.
Aurel. Why, what in the name of goodness does ail the poor man '!
— I begin to be quite alarmed.
Mand. Don't be alarmed, I'm perfectly iri my senses — and that you
may have no e.xcuse for not understanding me, know, madam, that I
WPS last night at the masquerade — I there got acquainted with a certain
officer — he spoke of you — my suspicions were aroused — I dogged him
home, and saw him enter — this very house.
Aurel. And was that all !
2Iand. Yes, ma'am, and in my opinion, enough too. Explain it if
you can.
Aurel. [afiide.] What shall I say 1 I have it. — Why you silly mortal,
suppose you had seen a dozen officers enter, does it follow of necessity,
that they must come to me ! are there not other inmates in the house — ■
and if they chose to be at the masquerade, they surely had a right to
assume vvfiat character ihoy pleased !
Mand. \_Ji.c.silaliiig.'\ Why, that's very true ; upon my life, that did
not strike me before. Is it possible, that I've been mistaken !
Aurel. [aside.'\ Possible! I see it's all safe. What a poor weak
soul it is.
Mand. Can it be possible, I have been mistaken ?
Aurel. You have, indeed — for I protest you were the last male crea-
ture I spoke to last night, and the first this morning.
Mand. Oh, I must believe you, for sure-!y falsehood could not look so
heavenly — Can you forgive me, Aurelia \
Aurel. Nay, I really don't know that I can.
Maiid On my knees then let me beg for mercy ; for no humiliation
can be too great for having suspected my Aurelia's truth.
Lucy, not knowing- what turn the affair has taken, has been seen once
or twice lonking out at the bed-chamber door, c, watching for an
opportunity to escape with the military dress. Seeing M.^ndevillk
•now mill, his lack turned towards her, she leaves the chamher on
tiptoe, ivith the dress laidcr her apron ; unfortunately, one of the
sleeves hangs out and is quickly perceived by Manueville. He
seems struck breathless — but exclaims aside,
Curse me. if she hasn't got a man under her apron.
AuREi.iA appears afraid to move. When just as Lucy gets to the
door, Manpeville starts off his knees and seizes the dress — Luc?
screams, and Aurelia seems petrified.
No, no, madam, there is no escape — I have you now.
Aurel. Now the mischief is complete ! [aside.]
Lucy. Oh my poor mistress. What will become of her.
[ She runs off, n.
Mand. Now, ma'am, say, who did this cursed hat l>elong to, that I
may seek my vengeance 1
Aurel. [aside.'\ What shall I say 1 I dare not acknowledge the truth.
Mand. What I guilt has struck you dumb, ma'am, has it !
O THE VOUNCJ WIDOW.
Aurel. [(T,<!</£.] It must be so.
Jfand. Say, iiiauara, this instant
Aurcl. Well, if you must know then, they belonged to my poor deal
late husband. You cruel man, to rake up his memory thus. [_wecps.'\
Jlaml. Your late husband. — And pray, madam, what had your late
husband to do with a dress like this, when I know he was a lawyer 1
Aurcl. [aside.'] I'd forgotten that. — And so he was, but though ho
was a lawyer, he had a gallant soul, and served in the, the — sharp-
shooters 1
Maud. In tlie sharp-shooters, eh 1 But tiiis unfortunately happens
to bo a cavalry uniform.
Aurcl. Vv'ell, I don't know, I suppose he wore it when he mounUd
guard.
Mand. Then curse me, madam, if he didn't mount guard last night,
for I saw him in it.
Aurcl. Oh dear, don't alarm me — 1 would not see the dear man in it
again for the universe.
Mand . There is something in this I cannot solve.
Aurcl. Then let me solve it for you. Suppose a friend of mine bor-
rowed that dress for the masquerade, suppose that friend returned it
this morning, then suppose I had made a present of it to Lucy, and all
your doubts are removed.
Mand. Yes, if I could suppo.ic all this — but, there's so much to sup-
pose ; yet. to be sure, it is possible.
Aurcl. [aside.] Possible — he melts again — there's a lord of the cre-
ation for you !
Mand. [considerin^r.] Yes, it is very possible, and if I were not
obliged to draw a different conclusion, I would believe it.
Aurel. Believe that I am innocent, and then draw what conclusion
you think pro[)er.
Mand. [as/Jc.] I have no means of immediate satisfaction, and so I
may as well dissemble. I shall be upon my guard tho' — well, well,
Aureiia : I wiil believe you. and there is my hand again, on condition,
that you promise some day to clear up every doubt.
Aurtl. I do promise you — indeed — and let us say no more on the
suhjrci. i expect my new dancing-master every instant ; so fare you
well till to-morrow. Mind, you're not jealous again
Mand. No, never again.
Aurcl. If you are, I'll punish you for it — you are perfectly satisfied.
Mand. Yes, yes I am perfectly satisfied —
[ArRKLi.4. enters the inner Drawing-room. c.
t'nat there is something still, of which you v.-ish to keep me in ignorance.
But I'll find it out ; yet how 1 is the question — I have an idea — she is
in momentary expectation of her new dancing-master. Splash is a
clever fellow ; and I know him to be devoted to my interest. He shall
be this dancing-master For when they are off their guard, he will,
most likely, be able to discover what this mystery means. One of my
masquerade dresses that I had to try on yesterday will be the very thing
for him Yes, yes, my pretty widow, you may yet be caught.
\Exit Mandeville, l u.
THE YOUKG WIDOW. V
Enter Lucy, r. h.
Lucy. My mistress has got rid of him at last. I wonder how she
iTianaged it. Lord ! what troubles those creatures are. There's Mr.
Splash and his public-house have been running in my head all day. I
almost begin to wish, that I were married to him, if it were only ihat I
might care nothing about him. My mistress must have managed her
own affair very cleverly, though, for Mr. Mandeville seemed to go away
in a very good humor. They say, that Cupid always shoots lovers
through the heart ; now it's my opinion he always shoots them through
the eyes, for the poor creatures are sure to become blind, as soon as he
assails them. But now the mischief is done, I may as well take away
this unlucky dress. [Knock, l.
She (ake-i off (he dress, and returns immediately ; a loud double knock
is heard at the street door.
Oh, my mistress' new dancing-master, I suppose. — \_looking off.] Yes,
and here he is.
Splash enters, l. h., capering very formally, disguised as a Dancing-
master.
Lucy. The professor of dancing, I presume.
Splash. The same.
Lucy. Pray what name shall I tell my mistress T
Splash. Oh, the devil I I never thought of a name. However I must
give one. Oh. say, that Mr. Chassez waits.
Lucy. Lor' — what a curious looking figure. I'm sure I have seen
his face before tho'. \^Exit Lucy to her Mistress, c.
Splash. Well, it's clear she don't suspect me — a curious whim this
of my master's, turning me into a teacher of dancing ; but fortunately I
lived with a professor once, so I know something about the [cuts.]
However, my chief business is to look about, and see if I can discover
any thing of this terrible captain. I shall look after my little Lucy too ;
for it would be very curious, if, when I'm looking after the captain, I
should stumble on the corporal.
Splash begins looking about. He is just peeping under the table.
AuRELiA and Lucy enter, and perceive him, c.
Aurel. What is the man about?
Splash. Excuse me, ma'am. I was just remarking that the lower
part of this table is very like the legs of a piano.
Aurel. Pray, sir, what instrument do you profess principally 1
Splash. What instrument ! [aside.] I did not know I was to be a
music-master too. Oh, ma'am, one instrument is exactly the same to
me as another. I can give you a lesson immediately, if you wish it,
either on the kettle-drums. Irish bagpipes, Jews'-harp, or the French
horn.
Aurel. I thank you, but I have no wish to study either of those
instruments.
Splash. Oh, very well, ma'am ; any lesson I shall give you will bo
equally instructive, let it he on what instrument it will.
iO THE YOUNG WIDOW.
During the whole of this scene, Splash continues looking anxiously
about the apartment, and when noticed ■pretends to be trying
attitudes, pirouettes, <fc.
Aurel. Why, what a strange creature it is. Stop him, Lucy ; I
declare he's going into the bed-cliamber.
Lucy, [aside.] .Ma'am, I have my suspicions.
As Lucy pulls Splash back, she looks steadfastly at him.
Liicy. Pray, sir, what are you doing tliere T [aside.'] I'm confident
it's him.
Splash. I'm sure I beg your pardon. I was merely looking about
me.
Aurel. Then have the kindness, sir, to look about you in this apart-
ment.
Lucy, [aside to Aurelia.] It's as I suspected. This is all a trick,
ma'am, that's Splash in di.^guise.
Aurel. \_asidc.] Splash in disguise : ridiculous!
Lucy, [aside.] Oh, I'm sure it is, just look at him, ma'am. Look at
the pimple on his nose. I'd swear to him by it among ten thousand.
Aurel. [aside.] Well, I declare it is very like him.
Lucy, [astf/c] Yes, ma'am, and he is sent here as a spy upon us.
Aurel. [aside.] Is he indeed ! then he shall have a pretty story to
take back with him.
Aurelia gives Lucy the miniature and whispers to her.
Lucy, [nside^ I will, ma'am.
Aurel. [aside ] I'll teach him to set his spies upon me.
Lucy. But first, ma'am, enjoy his embarrassment a bit — make him
give you a lesson.
Aurel. I will. [Exit Lucy, c.
Now, Mr. Profe.^Eor, if you have done examining the furniture, we will
begin.
Splash. With the greatest pleasure, [aside.] What the devil will she
want me to do.
Aurel. Suppose we now invoke the aid of Terpsichore.
Splash. Terp — who !
Aurel. Of Terpsichore.
Splash, [aside.] Oh, the deuce ! there's a mouthful — Terp — Terp —
Terp — Oh ! I shall never be able to get it out, and the worst of it is I
don't know what it means.
Aurel. Come, sir, shall it be a minuet.
Splash, [aside.] Good, it means a minuet. Oh yes, a topsj-'-turvy
minuet, by all means.
Aurel. But, pray tell me, sir, which key do you consider the most
brilliant for a dance 1 The major key, the' minor key, the key of A, or
the key of E !
Splash, [aside ] Oh lord! among such a bunch of keys, I shall never
hit upon the right. But I believe impudence is every thing in mosv
afiairs. Oh, for my part, I may be singular, but I prefer the key of I .
dvrci. Why that's no key at all.
THE YOUNG WIDOW. 11
Splash. Isn't it ? Then I'm lock-jawed. [aside.
Aurel. But, perhaps, j-ou will give me an idea of what you mean !
Splas/i. Oh, with all the pleasure in life :
Spr.ASH tries to hum. an air, but makes such an outrageous noise,
that AuRELiA is obliged to stop her ears.
There, that's exactly what I mean.
Aurel. Bless my soul, I never knew a dancing-master with such a
pair of lungs in my life.
Splash. No, I dare say not ; there are very few dancing-mastcr«
like me.
Aurel. I should hope so — but I think if you could have given it a little
lower.
Splash. Oh, the easiest thing in the world, thanks be, my voice will
compass any thing from A to Z.
Aurel. [aside.] From A to Z ! here's effrontery I
Splash- Now then, ma"am, if you please, you can begin with a shuffle,
I generally end with one. laside.
As Splash sings and shews the different steps, Aurelia dances.
Splash.
Now commencez with a round about O ;
The instep thus, the pliant toe turned out O.
'Tis scarcely right, but I must not dishearten her —
Now pirouette, then chassez to your partner.
Not too much force, lest you the spirits ruffle.
But look at me, and then you'll learn to shuffle.
Now lightly trip — three demi pas avance^ —
Turn to the right — croissez — and then ballancez.
Brava ! brava ! Noblet ne'er surpass'd her —
But she's so apt, and I so good a master.
Splash, [aside.] Bravo ! bravo I I find my talent only wants to be
discovered to be properly appreciated.
Lucy enters from the inner drawing room, c. Kith an officer's sabre-
tache in her hand.
Lucy. Oh, ma'am, see what I've found in the inner drawing-room I
Splash. So, now I shall learn something.
Aurel. Well, 1 declare, then, when the captain left his concealment,
after Mandevillc's departure, this morning, he must have forgotten it.
Splash, [aside with the utmost astonishment.^ The murder's out then ;
there is a captain iti the way. and my poor master stands a chance of
being made one of the cattle-club, before he's even married.
Aurelia makes signs to Lucy to put it on the table, and leave it,
which she does, and returns to the inner drawing-room.
A^irel. On Thursday, Mr. Professor, I shall have the honor of seeing
you again ; till then, your most obedient.
12 THE YOCXG WIDOW.
Splash. Madam, Tin your's devotedly.
[AiRELiA re-cniers the bed-chamber, c.
Splnxh. Here's a pretty story for my master ! If I were not afraid of
being taken up for a highway robbery, I should vastly lilie to see what's
in that. Egad ! there's no one looking, and — 'faith I'll have a peep, let
the consequence be what it will. [opais the sabre-tache.
Here's something, however.
Puts his hand in, and takes out the identical miniature, M.4.nijevillb
had returned to Aurelia.
If further proof were wanting, here it is — the very picture my poor
master prized so much. I shall take it home to him, or he'll never
believe me. Oh, what a lucky escape for him ! But here's Lucy.
Egad I as I find the mistress such a Lucretia, I may as well know a
little more about the virtue of the maid, before I go any further.
Re-enter Lucy, c
Lucy. [ai-afe>.] So, it's all right — he has got the picture. Oh, I beg
your pardon, sir, but I thought you were gone.
Splash. No, Miss Lucy ; I waited for the pleasure of wishing you
good morning.
Luc;/. Oh, sir I [axidc.] He has taken some jealous fit into his head
now, I suppose : well, if he have, he shall suflTer for it — that's all I can
say.
Splash. Oh, Miss Lucy I ipathelically.
Lucy. Oh, Mr. Chassez I \_imitati7ig him.
Splash. I have heard that you are going to be married. Miss Lucy.
Lucy. \\ hy, sir. such a thing has been talked of, but the fact is, I
have altered my mind.
Splash. That's strange, for I understand your intended was one Mr.
Splash, a very clever, discreet, handsome y-oung fellow.
Lucy. Oh, sir, then you've been terribly misinformed ; Mr. Splash is
exactly the contrary of v.hat you mention — he's the most vulgar, illite-
rate, ordinary person you ever beheld, [aside.] I'll give it him, how-
ever.
Splash, [asidc-l This is pleasant. Well, I always thought, that, at
least, his beauty could not be called in question. l_concciledly.
Lucy. His beauty ! — he's about as handsome as a hedge-hog.
Splaf<h. \_asidc.J How damned pointed she is !
Lucy. If I had married him, I should, perhaps, have made something
of him.
Splash, [aside] If you had married him, you would have made
something of him, I've no doubt : — I'll try her further. Do you know.
Miss Lucy, I don't know how it is, but I feel a sort of presedtmenl
towards you myself
Lucy. Lord, sir, you flatter me.
Splash. No, I'd scorn it : and do you know. Miss Lucy, I'd give a
guinea only for a taste of those sweet-looking lips.
Lucy. \_uipi)ig her mouth with her apron.] Oh. sir, you're too generous
a great deal.
THE TOUNG WIDOW. 13
Splas^. [aside.] ^^'lly, curse me, if she an't going to take my money !
Well, they say experience bought is the best, so I'll have a guinea's
worth at all events, [gixvig her the guinea.'] Here you pretty dear-
looking [kisses her.] — [aside.] infernal baggage.
Lucy. Thank you, sir. You hav'n't got another guinea, have you 1
isplash. No, no — I thank you ; I've had quite enough.
Lucy, [aside.] I never thought he was such a fool.
Splash, [aside] Was ever such a rhinoceros! How I should like to
let her know who I am, and upbraid her for her perfidy, [imitating her
aside.] " Those lips must never be touched by mortal man till after the
ceremony at least." — no, not till after the ceremony of paying for it,
I find.
Lucy. Arc you going, sir I
Splash.. Going — yes. [aside.] I wish I had been-in the river before I
had ever come. Oh, master, master, here's a pretty pair of us ! [going.
Lucy. Sir, sir ; when you have got any more guineas to spare, you'll
know how to dispose of them, [aside] I think I have given him a dose
for his disguises at any rate. [Exit Lucy, r.
Splash. Well, this is cruelly agreeable ! I have made some pretty
discoveries this morning. The mistress conceals a captain in her cup-
board, and the maid sells her kisses at a guinea apiece : I suppose they
would come cheaper, though, by taking a quantity. But I have one
comlbrt — I can go home, and make my master as miserable as myself —
and curse me if 1 don't, too. Oh, woman, woman ! [Exit, l.
SCENE n. — M.\xdeville's apartment. — Enter M.\ndeville, musing,
L. H.
Mand. Alas, how tedious are the moments of uncertainty ! Splash
must have committed some blunder, or he would surely have returned
ere this. I am almost distracted ; for to say the least of it, that officer's
entering the house at such an hour has a very strange appearance.
But still, I will not believe my Aurelia guilty till I have more convincing
proofs of her inconstancy. No, no, from this lucky idea of mine of
sending Splash as the dancing-master, he will be able to give me the
most convincing assurance of her attachment to me ; he will be able at
once to see that all my suspicions were unfounded, as I now am sure,
they must have been, [noise without.] And if I still felt otherwise, here
comes Splash to remove even the shadow of a doubt ; he looks quite
overcome with pleasure at the joyful tidings he has to communicate.
Splash enters l. h. in a state of complete abstraction, and hurries
backwards and forwards without taking the least notice of his
master.
Splash, [aside.] Oh Lucy I Lucy I thou most perfidious of all waiting
women !
Mand. Tell me. Splash, is she not innocent I
Splash. Oh, yes sir, very innocent. She let me kiss her, without the
li-aKt ceremony.
Mand. Let you kiss her, you scoundrel !
Sylash. Yes, sir, after I had given her a guinea.
14 THE YOUNG -WIDOW.
Mand. "Why, the ellow's mad I
Splash. No, no, sir. I don't mean she let me kiss her, I mean the
dancing-master.
Maud, [coltari/ig him.] Why, you infernal villain.
SpluaJi. Oh, pray forgive me. sir. for I hardly know what I'm saying.
The fact is — the fact is — we're a couple of wretched individuals.
Miind. What is the meaning of all this 1
Splash. Oh. sir, the meaning's too plain, when I've told you all.
There, sir — look there, sir ; what's the meaning of that?
[siving Am master the picture.
Mand 'Why this is her miniature that I returned to her this
morning.
Splash. Yes, sir, and that's the miniature that she gave the Captain
this afternoon, who'was concealed in the inner apartment while you
were in the outer one, and who escaped the moment you left the place.
There are discoveries I've made, all through our admirable contri-
vance.
Mand. Splash, you electrify me!
Splash. Ah, sir, and I wi.sh somebody would electrify me too.
Mand. But are you positive !
Splash. Positive ! Seeing's believing, you know, sir. From my
being in disguise, they made no secret of it. whatever, but spoke of the
Captain openly. That picture I found myself — in his — what-you-may-
ca!l-it, sir — a thing that hangs about his heels in the shape of a shovel
v\ithout a handle. By the bye, sir, as I was coming out, I met the real
professor, and if I had not shoved him down an area, — and — nearly
broke his neck, all our fine scheme would been knocked on the head.
Mand And she has sunk so low too as to let the dancing-master
kiss her !
Spla-'^h. Oh no, I can't say that, sir ; that was a little affair of my
own — that was Miss Lucy. I find the maid's about as virtuous as the
mistress, sir, we should have cut admirable figures in a short time. Oh,
they are a precious pair !
Mand. Then I'll never trust woman more I
Splash. Kor I either, sir — no, we'll mingle our tears together, and
rail at the whole sex I
Mand. None of your impertinence, sir, — yes. I will leave this place
immediately. — I'll become a wanderer.
Splash. Yes, sir ; and I'll be a wanderer too.
Mand. And so you shall — misery places us all on an equality. Give
me your hand : henceforth you are my friend — you shall go where I go,
and do as I do.
Splash. Thank you sir.
Mand. Yes, I'll blow out my brains. Splash.
Splash. Oh, sir, that would be a splash I
Mand. And so shall you, my faichful fellow !
Splash. [aside.'\ No, Til be hang'd if I do I Why, sir, to say the
truth, that's a sort of equality I'm not at all anxious of enjoying with
you : in fact, it'3 too low for my ideas altogether. Besides, I can't sea
the benefit of it.
THE YOUNG WIDOW. 16
^rand. Why, Splash, I still think, she has a heart — and when I blow
out my brains, I shall be revenged in knowing what she'll feel when she
hears of the melancholy catastrophe.
Splash. Oh, sir. that's all very romantic ; but as I don't think it worth
while to blow out my brains to mortify Lucj-, why I must beg to decline
keeping you company — and, I have a better idea, sir.
Mand. And what is it. Splash !
Splash. Why, sir, to let you have your revenge on her without hurt-
ing yourself.
Mand. But how's that to be accomplished 1
Splash. Why, sir, thus — instead of your blowing out your brains in
earnest, let me go and tell the widow you have done so ; and then
you'll be able to enjoy your revenge. Besides, you know, it won't be
too late to do it afterwards.
Mand. Admirable! But if she be not in the most wretchedly interest-
ing state of despair at the news, I insist on doing it in reality.
Splash. Very well, sir. you shall.
Mand. Get me my pistols, .Splash ; I will put them in my pocket, that
I may be prepared for the worst.
Splash [giving him a brace ] Here they are, sir.
Mand. They are loaded, I believe 1
Splash. Yes, sir, three balls in each.
Mand. So much the better.
Splash. But you will not want both pistols.
Mand. No, my friend. I shall not want them both — one of them will
be sufficient for me. and the other will do for you
Splash. Yes, it will do for me, if I make use of it. Really, sir, you
must excuse me.
Mand. No. Splash, I insist upon you shooting yourself; it will be
my last command.
Splash. Yes, and it will be my last act of obedience too, if I do it
But I think, we'd better lose no time ; you know, sir, you can wait for
me down at the pump, and directly I leave the widow, ! can run and tell
3'ou how she has received the news of your demise.
Mand. Really, .Splash, the thoughts of her grief has quite put me it«
spirits, — but I insist on blowing out my brains tho', after all, if she bo
not interestingly affected.
Splash. Very well, sir — agreed. [aside.'\ You may make a hole in
your head, but if you blow out your brauis, I'll be hang'd !
Mand. What did you say, sir 1
Splash I said, that if I were to blow out your brains, I should deserve,
to be hanqed.
Mand. No, no ; we'll manage it better than that, we'll each shool
ourselves, and then we shall evade the law.
{^Exeunt M.iNDEviLLE and Splash, l. h.
SCEN1. /TI. — KvRKhi.KS apart mcnl : The same as the first scene. — A
sme'^ -^rccn is in the room which must be sufficiently low for a person
to Ir ' over.
Enter AuRELi.i, c. d.
16 THE YOUNG WIDOW.
Atirel. I wonder how my spark has received his supposed confirma-
tion of my infidelity. I believe, I must confess the truth to hhn after
all : but first to punish him for his suspicion^, and try to cure him of
his eccentricity, I mean to put on my ofiicer's dress once more, to see
how he will bear the sight of his favored rival, and when I consider
myself sufficiently revenged, I will throw off my disguise and ask his
forgiveness.
Enter Lucy in haste, l.
■9
Lucy. Oh ma'am, ma'am ! there's something else in the wind ; there's
more mischief brewing.
Aurel. Why do you think so 1
Lxicy. Why, ma'am, just as I was looking out the upstairs' window,
what should 1 see but Mr. Splash and his master, down by the post in
the deepest consultation, presently they divided, and Splash is coming
towards the house.
Aurd. Never mind, Lucy, only let us be upon our guard, and I'll be
a match for him. I warrant.
Lucy. Yes, ma'am, I hope you will some day ; but Splash is here.
Splash enters, l. u. with his handkerchief to his eyes, and portraying
all the symptoms of the most excessive sorrow.
Aurel. For heaven's sake, Splash, what is the matter 1
Splash. Oh ! oh ! oh I ma'am !
Lucy, [a-ndc to Aurelia.] This is some trick, ma'am, depend on it.
Splash. Oh dear I oh dear ! oh dear I
Lucy. M'hy, you havn't got the tooth-aclie, have you, Mr. Splash 1
Splash. Oh, the tooth-ache. But it's so dreadful, I shall never bo
able to tell you what it is.
Aurel. Now, pray, Mr. Splash, compose yourself, and let us know the
worst ; for nothing can be so bad as this dreadful state of uncertainty.
Splash. Well, I suppose I may as well out with it.
Aurel. Come, now, I'm quite impatient.
Splash. You must know then, that my poor master, ma'am, had takei
it into his head to be jealous of you, and all I could say in your favoi
would not satisfy him ; and about two hours since
V " ?• Well, about two hours since — 1
Lucy. 5
Splash. W'hy, about two hours since, he put a pistol to his head, and
blew the whole of his brains into the h-air, oh ! oh I
Aurel. [very coolly. ~\ And is it only that 1
Splash. Only that 1 \_asidc.'\ Why, what the devil would she have .
I suppose, she thinks, he ought to have blown away body and all !
Lucy, [aside to Aurel.] I told you it was some scheme, ma'am.
Aurel. [aside to Luc v.] Never mind, I'll punish him for it. Well,
this is really very unfortunate
Splash. Oh, it's dreadful !
Aurel. But are you sure he's dead, Splash ?
Splash, ^^'hy, ma'am, he has got three bullets through hisjicad, and
I think tlic probability is, that he's not in a perfect state of activity.
THE YOUXG WIDOW. 17
Aurel. Three bullets . then he must be very dead.
Splash. Yes, ma'ani, he's very dead indeed. — [asi'rfe.] How cursedly
cool she takes it.
Aurel. But I have been thinking, Lucy -[weeps.^
Splash, [asidc.l Come, she's beginning to feel it.
Aurel. I ])avc been thinking, Lucy, whether it would not be proper
for me to put on mourning on the melancholy occasion 1
Splash, [a.iide.] Upon my soul, I wish ray master could see her.
Lucy. Why, ma'am, as things had gone So far, I think it would be
showing a mark of respect towards the deceased, you know, you can
have it made very fashionable, ma'am.
Aurel. And so I can, but still it's distressing.
Splash. Oh, dreadfully distressing ! oh I
Aurel. And so it is, to be obliged to appear in black, when rose color
predominates so.
Lucy. And so it is, ma'am.
Splash. \_aside?^ I am electrified now !
Aurel. [aside to Lucy.] Where's my uniforrn 1
Lucy, [aside to Aurel J Down in the back parlor.
Aurel. I fear my excessive grief will render me unfit to see company
to-day, and so I'll retire and indulge in sorrow. But mind, Lucy, you
don't neglect sending for the dress-maker. — Poor Mandeville! how very
weak it was of him ! I'll never forgive him for it, that I won't ! I think.
— A few bugles might be introduced — a naughty — naughty man !
[Exit AURELIA, c.
Splash, [aside, mimicking her.] A naughty, naughty man ! — Well,
my master may wait at the pump for a twelve-month, before I'll go and
tell him this : he'd not only blow his own brains out, but perhaps mine
too!
Lucy. Well, Splash, so the poor man's gone !
Splash^ Yes, Lucy.
Lucy. And, I fear by the e.xccss of your grief, Splash
Splash What, Lucy !
Lucy. That he hasn't left you a legacy.
Splash, [aside.'] What a thoughtful soul it is.
Lucy. Not that I'm in the least interested.
Spla.'ih. No, no ; it isn't that, I've other griefs at heart.
Lucy. And what are they, Splash 1
Spla.s/i. [aside.] Nov/ I'll give it her. Why, Lucy, yesterday, I met
a friend — a Mr. Chassez. [aside.] I'll place it allegorically.
Lucy, [aside.] V^'hafs he about now I
Splash, [aside.] How the name has struck her ! — This friend told
me a strange story about a lady, called Lucy ; about a guinea, and a
kiss, and tlie deuce knows what.
Lucy. You met a friend you say !
Splash. Yes, to be sure 1 did — he's a friend of yours too, I believe
Lucy. What have I done ]
Spla.ifi. I'm sure I don't know, you can tell best, but I suppo.se you'll
deny it all.
Lucy, [aside] I'm not so silly — not one word of it. Splash. It's all
18 THE YOUNG WIDOW.
true ; the kiss and the guinea, both. But pardon me, Splash, I was
foolish enough to think that Mr. Chassez was yourself in disguise.
Splash, [atarling; with asLonishmcnt.^ No, did you tho' .' \asidc.'\
"What a quick-sighted toad it is. But i"Il swear it wasn't me, to mor-
tify her.
Lucy. Now tell me. Splash, wasn't it you 1
Splash. Lord bless you, how could you think I would be so foolish I
Lucy. \ ou're sure it wasn't you ■
Splanh. Positive !
Lucy, [^wiping her mouth.'\ Oh, what have I done then 1 I've let
another man kiss me !
Splash, [asiilc ] This is delightful I Oh. you've made a pretty busi-
ness of it ! [wiih affected gravity. '\ Oh you little profiigate !
Lucy. But forgive uie. Splash, and I swear that no man but yourself
shall ever touch my lips again.
Splash, \^'ell, well, I forgive you on that condition.
Lucy, l^asidc.} Lord, what fools men are !
Splash. {asuk.'\ Oh, I am the happiest dog alive I I wonder how my
poor master is, down at the pump.
Lucy. Well, Splash, I must wish you good bye now ; but you won'l
forget in the evening again.
Splash. No, my darling, farewell.
Lucy, [aside, as she goes off.] Now there's a pretty simpleton for you.
I Exit, c.
Splash. Oh, I'm in ccstacy. [^Going off — noise without.
Eh ! why if there ain't my master's rival, the captain, coming up stairs.
I shall mal^e more discoveries. I'll step behind that screen, and observe
him.
[As he is going behind the screen, Lucy opens the chamber-door, and
observes him ; she immediately shuts it again and retires.
Splash, [from the screen.] Yes, yes, here I shall be able to hear and
see all that passes. Not that I have any doubt remaining about Lucy.
\_Hides him-iclf.
Enter Lucy, c.
Lucy, [aside.] Behind the screen, eh" Well, it sha'n't be my fault
if he's not perfectly satisfied, at all events, and, fortunately, here comes
my mistress.
Enter .\l'relia in the captain's uniform, c.
Avrel. Now, Lucy.
Lucy, [aside.] Hush, ma'am, there's Splash hid behind the screen.
Can't you make a little love to me 1
A\rel. [aside.] Oh, to be .sure I can. Now, my dear girl, is my
Aurelia visible !
Splash, [amdc] His Aurelia !
Lucy. To say the truth, captain, she's now dressing ; you know she
could not think of receiving you in dishabille.
Aicrel. Don't hurry her ; while I have a pretty maid to keep me com-
pany. I don't mind waiting a few moments for the widow.
THE YOUNG WIDOW. 19
Lucy. Oh, captain, you're very gallant.
isplash. [aside.] Very.
Aurel. And really, my dear, before Aurelia comes, I positively must
have a kiss of those pouting lips.
Splash, [aside ] Well, one good thing, .she has sworn not to let any
one kiss her but myself.
[Aurelia and Lucy toyins together.
Lucy. Really, you military gentlemen are so very persevering.
Aiu'rl. But not the less welcome, 1 vva!|i:ant. \_ktsse!i her.
Splash. \^aside ] If she an't forsworn before my face I but he's not a
mav, 1 suppose, he's a gentleman.
Lucy. [ttA'/f/f.] I wonder how Mr. Splash likes that. \ixoise without.
Lucy, [aside.] There is some one coming. — You had belter retire,
captain, if yyu please, to the inner drawing-room.
Aurel. As you please, my darling ; but come hither, Lucy, for I
positively must have another kiss.
Exeunt Aureli.\ arid Lucy to the inner drawing-room, c.
Splash. I think I ought to be satisfied now. I wish I could escape,
but some one else is coming, [looking off.] Confound it — if it an't my
master ! I mustn't let him see me, or he'll out with his pistols in a
minute. [fi''<^* behind the screen again.
Enter Mandeville, l. h.
Mand. I am confident that Splash has played me false. I have been
wailing this hour for him down at that cursed pump. But I am resolved
now to be trifled with no longer, and come to an explanation at once
[noise without.] Some one approaches.
Enter Avrelia from the inner drawing-room in her military dress, c.
By all my fears, my rival !
Splash, [aside.] Yes, there he is ; there'll be a pretty set-to.
Aurel. [aside.] So, here is the dead man ; now to prepare for a
storm.
Mi-ind. [aside.] I would have instant satisfaction, but I will not let
him enjoy the triumph of knowing who I am.
Aurel. A friend of the widow's, I presume!
Mand. 1 was. You, I believe, are still a friend of her'sl
Aurel. A very particular one.
Splash, [aside.] What the devil are they going at now 1
Mand. You have business here, I suppose !
Aurel. Very urgent business ; in fact, the case stands thus : — Aurelia
and myself have been, for some time, affectionately attached to each
other ; unfortunately, she had given her word to an ither, and resolved
to keep it ; now this other, as, of course, you will guess, was a very
weak, simple sort of a personage —
Mand. No sir, I should guess quite the contrary
Aurel. Only hear me out.
Splash, [aside.] I wish I could get out.
Aurel. And if you don't agree with me then, I'u give up the point.
20 THE YUUxNG WIDOW.
For what should you think ? In this state of affairs, this poor foolish
devil, in a lit of jealousy, has not only been kind enough to me, but
cruel enough to himself to blow his br.iins out. Not that I suspect he
ever had many ; and I dare say you think so too.
Jland. Sir, whatever I may think, I'll thank you to proceed.
Aurcl. Well sir, he having blown out his brains, every obstacle is
removed. The widow writes to me, and I now come to supply the
place of her former lover. A lucky dog, an't I !
^ l^slaps Mandeville on the shoulder.
Splash. [_(i.nde.'\ Hit him^fain, sir.
Mand. [a.svV/c] Who could have thought my Aurelia had been so
completely worthless.
Aurel. But before I open my confidence any further, may I beg to
know to whom I have the honor of speaking?
Mand \_asidc ] I have been such a fool, that, curse me, if I an't
ashamed to tell him who I am !
Aurcl. Will you favor me with your namel
Mand. My name, sir, can be of little importance, let it suflice that I
am a gentleman, and a friend of this poor foolish devil's.
Splash. \_asLde.'\ Oh, he's friend, is he 1 he's placing it allegorically
too.
Aurel. You may be his friend, but ail I can say is, that to boast of
his friendship, is but a poor compliment to yoijr own wisdom.
Mand. Sir, I will put up with this no longer. I demand the satisfac-
tion of a gentleman.
Aurel. Oh, very well, sir, you shall have any satisfaction you think
proper ; name your time and place.*
Mand. Sir, there is no time or place, so proper as this apartment and
the present moment.
Aurcl. Oh, very well, sir, I'm perfectly agreeable. [asiV/e.] I know
there are no arms in the house, and so I may as well show my
bravery.
Mand. I'm glad to find you so ready.
Aurel. I'm ready this instant — it can't be settled too quickly.
Splas/i. [a.iidc.} Vv'hy if they an't going to fight in earnest.
Mand. [talcing- the pistols out of his poc/:cts.] Luckily I'm provided.
— Here, sir, choose your weapon.
Aurelia seems ready to faint at the sight of them.
Aurel. [aside ] What a murderous fellow it is. I would not have
ventured a syllable about fighting, if I had thought there had been a
pistol within a mile of me.
Mayid. Come. sir. no trifling, take your choice.
Aurel. [asidc'\ What shall 1 do ^ if I scream out, I shall be obliged
to discover the whole plot. I have it, I'll place myself close to Splash,
he'll surely not let his master fire that way.
Mand. Come, sir, take your position.
Aurcl. [running towards the serce?i.] This is my ground.
Splash, [looking over the screen in the greatest agony.'] Why if he
aint — come — close to me, I shall have three bullets through me pre-
sently I
THE YOfXG M'inOW. 21
Mand. How are we to arrange the signal '
Aurd. As you please.
Splash. [asidc.'\ Oh, curse the signal I I can never stand this !
Mand. Very well, sir ; when I say One, Two, Tiircc, we'll both fire
together.
Splash, [aside.] Yes, and I shall drop between you.
Aurel. [aside ] If Splash don't call out, I must.
Splash, laside.] Oh I'm a dead man to a certainty I
Ma77d. One — Two —
Sj)lash. Hold ! hold I flesh and blood can hear it no longer!
[SpL.-iSH throics down the screen and discovers himself.
Aurel. [aside.] Thank Heaven ! I was just gohig to fall on my
knees ! [to M.\nd.] This aflair must be settled then at another oppor-
tunity, till then farewell. [Exit Aurklia into the hed-chamber, c.
Mand. [to Splash.] What did you do there, scoundrels
Splash. Nothing, sir, nothing
Mand. Then you should have laid quiet till I had fired.
Splash. I should have laid guict enough, if I had — no, no, I thank
you, sir, you might have shot at the pigeon and killed the crow, perhaps.
Mand. Very true — very true. Let me consider awhile.
[scats himself.
Splash, [aside.] I hope he'll go home quietly. It's my firm opinion,
he's out of his mind.
Mand. Well, Splash ] [musing.
Splash. Well, sir, vi'hat shall we do now 1
Mand. Why, now, Splash, we'll put our design into execution : —
here, take your pistol. [ofjcring him one.
Splash. Lord, sir, you're not in earnest 1
Mand. Do you consider blowing out your brains a joke ?
Splash. No, sir ; upon my soul, I consider it no joke at all.
Mand. Then, sir, if you have the least respect for me, shoot yourself
this instant
Sj^lfub. Shoot myself! Lor', nonsense, sir I it would be the death
of me.
Mand. Sir, this levity ill becomes the awful occasion.
Splash. Levity be hanged, sir ! A joke's a joke, you know ; but I
don't see the fun of this.
Mand. Sir, I'm resolute.
Splash. Yes, sir, and so am I ; and I'll be shot if I blow my own
brains out to please any body. — Why, sir, it would be downright parri-
cide.
Mand. Parricide ! suicide, I suppose, you mean.
Splash. Well, sir it's all the same, and both sides are bad enough.
Mand. [musinfr.] Right, Splash ; self-murder will not sound well.
It would not read well in the newspapers.
Spla-'^h. No, sir, very liadiy indeed, or else I should have no oI)jection.
Mand. No, no — I have it ; I will put my pistol to your head, and you
shall put yours to mine ; and then, when I pull my trigger, do vou pull
yours, and all will be over.
22 THE YOUNG WIDOW.
Splash. Yes ; and as j-ouTe so accommodating, perhaps, yon'll indulge
me by letting me have the first pull.
Mand. Come, sir, lake your pistol, or I will execute you first, and
then myself.
[Follows Splash round the stage, presenting the pistols at him.
Splash. Why, he's quite mad. Here ! help ! help !
Enter Lucy, n.
Lvcy. In the name of wonder, what does all this mean1
Splash. Why, it means, that my master's going to blow my brains
out.
Lucy. Oh, impossible I
Splaah. Ah, it's very true though, for all that.
Mand. No more, sir ; and if you can exist in a world, where such
women are — live !
Splash. Thank you, sir.
Mand. I shall consider further on the business.
\^Exit Manheville, l.
Splash. Yes, and so shall I, before I do it. So, nia'am, I've made
nrore discoveries — no one but myself should ever touch those lips. Oh,
you false one !
Lucy. Well, sir, if you were mean enough, after what I said, to sus-
pect my truth, and conceal yourself, in order to detect me, I'm very
glad you met with just the reward you deserved, and so farewell.
Lucy enters the hed-ehamber.
Splash. Here's consolation, however. No, my master's right — he's
perfectly right — I will not live in a world, with such women. I'll run
after him immediately, and if he's still in the same mind, I'll shatter my
brains out, blow me I [£xit, L. h.
Re-enter Mandeville, l. h.
Mand, I had forgotten one thing still : as I have altered my mind
about shooting myself, I think I had better leave my card with the cap-
tain, in order that he may do it for me. Some one comes. It is Au-
relia !
Enter Aurelia in her female attire, c. ; she affects alarm and aston-
ishment at the sight of him.
Aurcl. Ah, can it be I
Mand. What does she mean 1 Right, she ha? heard of my death,
and now she fancies 1 have come to reproach her for her falsehood.
Let me undeceive her. — Aurelia! [very gravely. '\
Aurcl Oh dear ! look at his eyes !
Mand. Why, what's the matter with my eyes, [rubbing them.'\ Think
not I mean to reproach you, Aurelia.
Aurcl. No, that's right, don't ; but go home again, and be buried
decently.
Mand. Perhaps I ought not to be here 1
Aurcl. No. you ought to be lying quietly in your shroud ; — oh
don't come near me !
THE YOUNG WIDOW. 23
Mand. I am not wbat you take me for, madam.
Aurcl. "\^'hat, a'n't you your ghost, then 1
Mand. No, madam, I am no more a ghost than you are.
Aitrcl. What, and is this your own natural body after all T
Mand. It is, upon my soul !
Aurel. Well, who would have thought you could have come to life
again, after having had three hullc/s through your head.
Ma7id. Madam, the story of my death was all a trick invented to put
your affection for me to the proof.
Aurel. And I'm sure you must have been convinced of my affection
for you. for I grieved most bitterly
Mand. Yes, ma'am, till the captain came to dry your tears.
Aurcl. I could not help his coming, and I'll send him away if you
like.
Mand. Oh no, ma'am, keep him — now you've got him.
Aurel. What, you wo'n't have me, then 1
Mand. Have you ! if I thought my love could so far get the better of
my reason I would not live another hour.
Aurcl. Well if you wo'n't, you wo'n't, you know ; but it'.s very cruel
of you.
Mand. Cruel of me ! — no, no ; and to show how much affection I
have still remaining for you, I will offer my hand to the very first woman
I shall meet.
Aurel. What, and will you marry her too 1
Mand. Yes, I swear by all my hopes of happiness, I will, tho' she
should prove as ugly as Satan, and as old as sin.
Aurel. [asidc.'\ Then it will be very odd, if I can't find a wife for
you.
Ma7id. And now, madam I have nothing more to say, than to bid
you farewell for ever.
Aurel. Farewell, [aside.] But not for ever, tho'.
[AuREi,i.\ enters the bed-chamber, c.
Mand. So, I have seen her then, for the last time ; and I've made a
silly vow, too. — But no matter, now.
Splash comes rtinning oji, with a bill in his hand, l. h.
Splaxh. Oh, sir ! sir ! I've made such another discovery !
Mand. Same new jjleaaurc, I suppose.
Splash. Why, sir, you must know, I began to sdspect something ;
and ever .«ince you came in, I've been watching at the door. — Just now,
fancying I belong'd to the house, a man put this bill into my hand —
read it sir, — read it !
Mand. [readinn.] " Mrs. Aurelia Fairlove, to Henry Cross-stitch."
Spla.ih. Go on, sir.
Mand. " A military hat and feather."
Spla.ih. Go on, sir.
Mand. " Item, a pair of boots and spurs," — Very odd for a lady.
Splash. Go on, sir.
Mand. " Item, a military coat." Stranger still !
Splash. But, go on, sir.
24 THE YOUNG WIDOW.
Mand. " A pair of trowsers."' What is the meaning of all this 1
Splash. Why, sir, the meaning is, what we ought to have found out
some hours ago, if we hadn't been a couple of prcciouts ninnies — saving
your presence, sir ; — but the plain meaning of it is, that the Widow has
been playing the captain herself the whole time, on purpose to make
fools of us.
Jfa7id. ConvicUon strikes upon me. Don't say another word, Splash,
but take me to Bedlam at once.
Splash. Yes, sir, and put you among the incurables ; — but, what's
the matter now ^
Mand. Oh, Splash, I'm the most miserable man that ever breathed !
Splash. Why, what have you been doing, sir !
Mand. Listen, Splash : in a tit of jealousy and revenge, I've made a
solemn vow, to wed the first woman I shall meet.
Spla-'sk. Then, sir, upon my soul, I give you up. But, no — I have it,
sir ; contrive that the widow shall be the first woman you meet, and
your vow maj' be kept without injuring your happiness.
Mand. Right — right, Splash.
Aurcl. \withuut.^ There, that will do, Luc}'.
Mand. And, fortunately, here she comes. This moment decides my
fate.
Splash. Yes, sir, and mine, too.
Splash.] Itis-itis-
The chamber-door opens, and Aurelia appears in a hood and cloak,
as an old woman, c.
?f "^, \ The Devil !
Splash. S
Mand. Worse, a great deal. Why it's old Dorothj', the nurse.
Splash. Then old Dorothy be hanged.
Mand. If she's a maid, or a widow, my future bride, by ail that's
abominable !
Splash. Yes. sir, you're in for it.
Mand. But I may as well come to the point at once, and so here
goes, [to Aurelia.] Are you a maid, wife, or a widow "'
Anrel. [in a disguised voice.^ In truth, I am a widow, sir.
Mand. [imitalinrf her.'] Ah, I thought so — I'm a happy man : but I
need not lose any time in courtship.
Splash. No, sir ; she has very little to spare, I'll answer for it.
Mand. ^^'ill you have me for a husband, you old hag !
Aurcl. Yes, if you'll use me kindly : I know the duty of a husband.
Mand. The devil doubt you.
Splash. Yes, of half-a-dozen, I should think.
A^ircl. And, though I appear so old, I may have some hidden charms.
Mand. Your hidden charms must be delectable.
Splash. Yes, sir, — don't you long to revel in 'em 1
Mand. Oh, Splash, support me, this horrible old womt<n has com-
pleted every thing.
Splash. But it's no use taking it to heart now, sir — you may as well
take her home, and love and cherish her.
THE YOUNG WIDOW. 25
Hand. Hold your tongue, you scoundrel, or I'll make you marry her.
Splash. No, sir, I thank you, not while there's a halter in the world.
Aurel. Mr. Mandeville — Mr. Mandeville !
Splash. There, sir, your wife's calling you. Throw your arms round
her neck.
Mand. Silence, puppy ! I'll throw her into the fish pond, and myself
after her.
Aurel. Why, you're not half so loving as my first husband was.
Mand. Loving, eh 1 Why, you sister of Satan — you antidote to
love — you bride for Belzebub ! I havn't seen you yet ; but let me look
at your vinegar face, that I may know the summit of my bliss.
Mandeville pulls off the hood and discovers Aurelia.
Aureiia ! then I see it all.
Splash. Yes, sir, — shall I take you to Bedlam, now !
Mand. I have been outwitted, indeed.
Splash. Yes, sir ; — you may deceive a maid, perhaps a wife ; but, in
future, take care how you tackle with a widow.
Mand. I feel the justice of it, and I bless you for the lesson you hare
given me.
Aurel. [to Splash.] Have you no one to give you a lesson, too !
Splash. Oh. no ; the lessons I receive are too valuable to be given
away. I paid a guinea for the first this morning.
Lucy. Never mind, Splash*, you shall have them cheaper for the
future.
Splash. Oh, bless you.
Aurel. Then our happiness is complete, if the friends around us will
but grant their forgiveness to the thoughtless follies of th«
YOUNG WIDOW.
MOEE BLUNDERS THAN ONE.
IN ONE ACT.
BT
THOMAS a RODWELL, ESQ.
ORIGINAL CASTS, COSTUMES, AND THE WHOLE OF THE SIA.QB
BUSINESS, CORRECTLY MARKED AND ARRANGED, BY
MB. J. B. WRIGHT, ASSISTANT MANAGER
Of THE BOSTON THEATRE.
* • » '
NEW YORK:
tSAMUEL FRENCH, P U B L I S H E Rj
12?, «vS«^r StKEKT. (Ph Sji.JRS.)
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(2)
MORE BLUNDERS THAN ONE.
ACT I.
Scene I. — Rajidsome Chamber, 3 G. Toilet table and glass on L. H. ;
table, covered, o?» K. ir., oti it writing desk, pens, ink and paper, wajers,
portfolio of paper, in it blank letter sealed ; xadighted candle on table ;
two chairs on k. h. : two chairs on l, h.
no ?^ '
IStrsAN discovered, admiring herself in a looking glass, l. h.
Sus. There, considering how little time I've taken, (for I haven't
yet been above two hours and a quarter at the glass,) I don't think I
look so much amiss. It's a pity I haven't got a little more time to
give each of my ringlets the true irresistible turn ; but I'm in momen-
tary expectation of the arrival of Mr. Larry Hoolagan, valet de cham-
bre to my mistress's intended, and if fate should only srmle on our
little innocent desires, my future spouse. O, he's a charming fellow !
he possesses such amiable sensibility, such an insinuating address, such
an elegant brogue, and such a handsome leg ! O, I am delighted with
him ! — and, then, how romantic it wUl sound to be called Mrs. Hool-
agan. I declare, it's a sweet name. (Larky heard singing without,
X. H. 1 E.) Ah, he comes ! I hear his beautiful voice echoing up the
staircase, like the warbling sonnet of the dying swan.
Larry enters, l. h. 1 e.
Lar. (l. h.) Who's like a swan, my darling ?
Sus. (r. h.) You, Mr. Hoolagan.
Lar. I like a swan? O, don't be after making a goose of me, my
duck.
Stis. No matter what you are, so as your heart is in the right place.
Lar. Nobody ought to know better than yourself whether it's in
the right place or not ; for it has been in your possession this many a
long day.
Sus. So it has, Larrj' ; but you'll confess I came honestly by it,
though.
Lar. To be sure you did, my darling ; for you stole it at least a
twelvemonth ago, as honestly as woman could do.
(3)
4 MORE BLUNDERS THAN ONE.
Sus. But tell me, Mr. Hoolagan, haven't you got a letter for my
inistress this morning ?
Lar. Och, to be sure I have ! and one for your own sweet self, too,
that I mean to deUver by word of mouth.
Sits. And what is it, pray ?
Lar. It's just this, my dear : that as our master and mistress are
going to be married, I think we can't do a worse thing than follow a
good example.
Stis. But are you sure they'll be married, though ? You know
they've been on the point of marriage three several times before — last
time they were even on the road to chiuch.
Lar. Yes, and then quarrelled and turned back, because they
couldn't agree about which way the wind blew.
Sus. Very true, indeed.
Lar. Fait ! they say it's an ill wind that blows nobody good ; by
the powers, I think it's a good wind that blows nobody any harm ; for
if that confounded wind hadn't kicked up such a dust, I'd have had
as nate a hundred-pound note in my pocket as ever was coined !
Sus. Yes, and I should have had another.
Lar, True — that your mistress and my master are to give us on
the day of their wedding.
Sus. Well, all that we've got to do is, to mind that nothing oc-
curs to produce a quarrel again.
Lar. Leave me alone for that.
Siis. By the by, Larry, I wonder what that letter contains you've
brought for my mistress ?
Lar. Fait ! so do I ; and I wondered all the way as J came along.
1 peeped into it, and roimd it, and through it a dozen times ; but as I
can't read a single word, I'm not much the wiser for what I saw.
Sus. Not read, Larry ?
Lar. No, my darling ; they didn't teach reading at the Echool I
went to.
S^ls. But still I should like to be certain that that letter "will do no
mischief.
Lar. It's mighty easy to be certain of that, my dear.
Sus. How, Larry, how ?
Lar. Why, never to dehver it, my darling.
Siis. Ah, but suppose we should be found out, though.
Lar. Found out ! Boder ! Who'd be after finding us out ? I
warrant the letter'll never speak if nobody opens its mouth, and I'll
take care of that. (^Showi?iff the letter.) Besides, only perceive, it
looks mischievous ; only see what a pale face it has. I'd be upon my
davy it's full of diabolicals, only by the seal.
Sus. Well, really, I think it would be the safest way not to deliver it.
Lar. To be sure it would. No, no, I'll put it in my pocket, and
forget that I ever saw it.
Sus. Hush, Larry, hush, here comes mistress ; now mind.
;; iii-A ia Enter Louisa., b. h. 1 e.
Lent. (R. H.) Melbourne's servant hef e ! — Tell me, what news
of your master ? Have you no letter for me ?
MORE BlTmDERS THAN ONE. 5'
f«
Lar. (L. H., aside to Susan.) Now, what will I be after saying ?
Sus. (c, aside.') How should I know ?
Lou. Quick, quick, he must have written to me.
Lar. {Asid-e.') It goes against my conscience {crosses to c.) to tell
a lie ; but, by de honor of an Irishman, I must out with a plump un.
Lou. (r. h.) Come, sir, answer me this instant.
Lar. (c.) A letter for you, ma'am? O, the devil a bit o' one.
Is there, Susan ?
S'i(s. (l. h., aside.') Hush !
Lou. I'm sure he must have written.
Lar. He may, or he may not, I can hardly say ; but I reckon
you'll get no letter from him this post. Do you, Susan, my dear ?
Sus. There seems little probability of it, at present.
Lou. Surely you must have put the letter in your pocket, and for-
gotten it.
Lar. {Aside.) O, by my soul, she's a •witch ; she knoWs I'm de-
termined to forget it.
Lou. Well, 'tis very strange ; but I'll just write a line to him, and
know the reason of it. {Seats herself at the desk, R. h.)
Sus. {Aside to Larry.) There now, my mistress will -wTite to
know why she hasn't had a letter, and then good by to my hundred
pounds.
Lar. {Aside to Sttsan.) Ditto to mine, my dear ; but don't be
alarmed. I'll give her a word of ad\'ice, and if she don't take my
advice, confound me, if I take her letter.
Sus. {Aside.) Mind what you say.
Lar. Hush ! — Ma'am ! ma'am !
Lou. { With surprise.) "Well, sir ?
Lar. Excuse me for dictating a word or two ; but though my
master's a most charming gentleman, as your ladyship knows, yet he's
apt to be a little cantancarous, now and then ; and, therefore, I'm
thinking that, perhaps, it might be as well not to say any thing about
your not having received a letter from him this morning, for I'm con-
fident it isn't his fault.
Sus. O, and so am I, ma'am.
Lou. O, don't be alarmed : I shall not say too much.
Lar. And even if your ladyship thought proper just to say, in a
eort of a left-handed way, that you thank him for his kind note, I've
no doubt he'd feel the reproof. \ ^ . ;
Sus. {Aside.) I have. ^-^ ^ ^ . '1'
Lou. I thank you for your suggestion ; but the letter ts hotv*
finished. There, {giving it to Larry,) it is a little severe ; but not
half so bad as he deserves. Mind it isn't lost.
Lar. O, leave me alone for keeping a letter safe — eh, Susan ?
Sus. {Aside.) Hush !
Lou. Susan, follow me to my chamber. {Exit, R. n. 1 e.)
Sus. Yes, ma'am. {Crosses, r.)
Lar. O, if the hundred pounds ain't in my pocket now, it never
shall be. By my soul, I was bom for a prime minister of the post
office.
Sta. But shall you deliver my mistress' letter ? i '
1*
€ MORE BLUNDERS THAN ONE.
Lar. O, to be sure I shall ; after what I said, where's the danger ?
Sus. But, I say, Larry, as you're above being able to read, mind
you don't make a blunder, and deliver the ■\\Tong letter.
Lar. O, do you think I'm a fool ? Ko, no : see, my darling, if 1
put my master's letter into the right hand pocket, and my mistress's
into the left, the devil a bit of blunder can I make then.
Sus. Then, now I must go and perfume my mistress's handker-
chief, and I believe I must put a little lip-salye on my OAvn lips too.
Lar. Pooh, nonsense, my dear, the very best Up-salve a woman
can have is a kiss from the man that adores her. (Kisses her.}
There, my dear ; if they ain't better now, we'll lay it on a little
thicker by and by.
Stcs. O, what a pharming fellow ! (^Exetmt, R. h. 1 e.)
Scene II. — Room in Young Melbourne's Apartment, 1 o. i). p.
L. H., practical ; D. F. R. n., practical.
YouNQ Melbourne enters, reading a letter, D. F. r. h.
Y. Mel. Now I am alone, let me again read my uncle's letter.
(Reads.) " My dear boy — by the time you receive this letter, I shall
once more breathe my native air. My very soul seems bounding at
the idea of again beholding you : twenty years' residence in India has
made me look forward to the happy moment of our meeting with al-
most a childish anxiety ; for, from the high account I have heard of
your goodness of heart, I am confident I shall meet a most affection-
ate welcome. — " You shall, indeed. Thus my happiness will be
complete. My uncle arrives — pays all my debts — I wed Louisa,
and nought but sunshine crowTis the remainder of our days. (Larbtc
heard without, L. H. 1 E.) But here comes Larry ; now, then, for
Louisa's reply.
Enter Larry, l. h. 1 e.
Well, Larry, have you got any letter for me ?
Lar. (L. H.) O, to be sure I have, and a beautiful one it is —
(aside) — if she only put in what I told her.
Y. Mel, (r. h.) Give it me, then, and run this instant and pre-
pare my things for dressing. I musn't receive my uncle in dishabille.
Lar. To be sure I will. — (Aside.) Now let me be after taking
care I don't make a bit of a blunder here. (Considering^ O, here's
a slip of the tongue, if I haven't clean forgot which pocket I put
it in.
Y. Mel. Come, sir, the letter.
Lar. Yes, sir, directly. — (Aside.) It was the left — no, the left's
not right; no, it was the right — no, by the powers! the right's
wTong. It's a pity I hadn't been bom a great big two-penny-post-*
man, and then I'd have known which letter to have delivered.
Y. Mel. Come, sir.
Lar. Directly, sir. — (Aside.) O, let me look at 'em, and then,
perhaps, I'll be after knowing which is the masculine, and which ia
MOEE ELUNDEES THAN OXE. 7
the feminine. ( Talcing both letters out of his pocket, and anxiously
looking at them.) O, confound it ! they're exactly like me and my
elder brother, a couple of twin blackgijards — there's no telling one
from t'other.
Y. Mel. "What is the meaning of this hesitation ?
Lar. Hesitation, do you call it ? — (^Aside.') I think it's bodera-
tion. I wish my master couldn't read, and then I'd give him a choice
of 'em. But, however, he must have one, and so here goes. (Larry
givps letter.)
Y.Mel. (^Without looking at the letter.) That's right.
Lar. {Aside.) O, that's beautiful ! I thought I couldn't make
a blimder if I tried.
Y. Mel. {Looki7ig at the letter with astonishment.) Death and the
devil ! if Lomsa hasn't returned my letter unopened ! Tell me, Larry,
did Louisa say any thing when she gave you the letter ?
Lar. Fait ! I hardly remember.
Y. Mel. Come, come, sir, tell me this instant.
Lar. You're not angry with her, are you, sir ?
Y. Mel. {Aside.) At least I'll not confess I am. No, no; rather
pleased than otherwise. — {Aside.) Confusion !
Lai: {Aside.) It's all right, I see ; I'd better tell him no lie at
all, but the naked truth.
Y. Mel. Come, come, sir, this instant, for I see there's something
— what did she say ?
Lar. Fait ! all she said, sir, was — you know merely in a jocular
sort of a way.
Y. Mel. Well, what ?
Lar. Why, sir, said she, Larry dear, it's a little severe, but not
half so bad as your master deserves. It was all a joke, though, you
know.
Y. Mel. Yes, a pretty sort of a joke ! but I'll let her know I'm not
the fond, contemptible fool she takes me for.
Lar. Here' 11 be a crash in the china closet !
I'. Mel. Yes, yes ; I'll to my chamber this instant, and I'll write
her a letter that shall make her heart ache, if she have one. I shall
trust to your ingenuity, Larry, to sec that she reads it.
Lar. Leave that to me, sir ; depend on it she shall read it, as cer-
tainly as she did the one I tooked her this morning.
Y. Mel. None of your impertinence, sir. — {Aside.) Thus I am
made the laughing stock of my own servant ; but I'll be revenged.
{Going, R. H.)
Lar. But, I say, sir, suppose the nabob, our uncle, should arrive
when you're up stairs, what am I to do with him ?
Y. Mel. Right. Let not my passion make me forget my duty to
the best of men. Treat him with every politeness, usher him into the
drawing room, and the moment I have done writing, I will descend ;
mind, now, treat him with every respect.
Lar. O, don't be afraid of Larry Hoolagan. I'll make him as
welcome as a whiskey bottle.
Y. Mel. But not too much familiarity, sir.
Lar. P, the devil a bit, sir. Do you think I don't know how to
8 MORE BLITXDEES THAX OXE.
do the genteel thing ? But, I say, sir — suppose our other friend
should come again, -what am I to do Tvith him ?
Y. Mel. Our other friend ? — O ! I suppose you mean the bailiff.
Lar. Fait ! I do, sir ; but baUifFs an ugly word to mention in gen-
teel company.
Y. Mel: AMiy, kick him do-wn stairs — throw him out of window
— in fact, do any thing you like with him, so that you don't let him
come near me. (^Exit, door R. f.)
Lar. By my mother's beautiful son, and that's my elegant self,
then I'll give it him, if I only catch his ugly nose on this side of the
street door. There's something in all my master says I don't exactly
imderstand — he's going to vrriXe sometliing desperate to his mistress,
too. "Well, I'm the postman, and it will be my fault if it ever comes
to hand. {Exit Larry, r. a. 1 e.)
Enter Trap, disguised as Old Melbourne, l. h. 1 e.)
Trap. I've gammoned 'em so far, however. How lucky I hap-
pened to hear of the expected arrival of Old Melbourne from India.
Trap, of the Station House, is too well known ever to succeed under
his own colors. TTie game I have in view is a terrible shy cock ; but
in this disguise of his uncle I think I shall bring him down. If I only
once get a fair aim at him, he's bagged to a certainty. (Larry sings
without, E. H.) Ah ! some one's here ; then I must come the impor-
tant.
E}iter Larry, r. h. 1 e.
Lar. {Examining Trap.) O, by my soul, it's him ! That beauti-
ful copper-colored face of his speaks volumes, ■without ever opening
its mouth.
Trap. {Aside.) "What's the booby staring at? 1 hope he don't
suspect me.
Lar. { Very obsequiously.") My duty to your honor.
Trap. Ay ; tell me, is !\Ir. Melbourne in the Way ?
Lar. Och, to be sure he's not, at this present writing. But why
do you say Mr. Melbourne ? "Why don't you speak of him in a true
fatherly way, and call him your nevey ?
Trap. {Aside.) O, it's all right. — Eh ! what ! yoU know me, do
you r
Lar. Ha, tobe sui-e 1 do ! I'm up to trap, my darling.
Trap. The desil you are !
Lar. To be sure I am ; and I hope it won't be long before I have
the pleasure of drinking your good-looking health in that bieautiful
half crown that you've just made up yoiu mind about giving me.
Trap. No, never mind that now. — {Aside.) That would be sup-
porting the character rather too naturally. But tell me, is my nephew
in the way : — I long to come near him.
Lar. I'll be bound you do ; but you see the fact is, he can't ex-
actly be said to be at home just now, for this reason, because you see
he's out ; but if your noble mightiness would have the condescension
just to step into the drawing room for a few moments
UORE BLUNDERS THAN ONE. 9
Trap, O, with the greatest pleasure. — {Aside.) I shall nibble
him.
Lar. This way, your honor, this way. I hope you'll do something
handsome for him now.
Trap. Bepend on it, when once I behold him, he shall never go
out of my sight again till I've provided for him. ( Ushers Tkap into
the drawing room, D. L. F.)
Lar. O, what a beautiful, kind-hearted creature it is ! I see we
shall be all cheek by jowl in no time, like a row of sheep's heads on a
butcher's block. I think my master will have no cause to grumble at
this day's work. But I'd better just run and tell him that he's ar-
rived, in order that he may prepare himself for the interesting inter-
view. {Exit, K. H. 1 E.) ;:.
Enter Old Melbourne, l. h. 1 e.
O. Mel. "Well, here I am once more in my native land, and under
the verj' roof, too, veith the only relation I have in the world. What
a delightful meeting it will be ! — I could hardly help kissing the
maid who let me in, out of pure joy. (Larry heard loiihout, I e.
R. H.)
O. Mel. Ah, that is his servant, I suppose ; some warm-hearted
Irishman that he has left here to welcome me. I shall hug the rascal
if the master don't come directly.
Enter Larry, r. h. 1 e., who looks at him with astonishment.
How surprised he seems ! — I'll see if he'll discover who I am.
Lar. (^Aside.) Is it himself, or somebody else ? By my soul, that
chap's qmte another person. Yes, it's another copper- colored gentle-
man. I never knowed we had a couple of nabobs for imcles before.
O. Mel. How astonished he seems !
Lar. (^Aside.) O, Larry, mind what you're about. I'm after
smelling a rat, and that's the truth of it. I'll be upon my davy this
is our friend the bum-bailiff himself, under false appearances. But
I'll go straight forward to ■work, and cross-examine him at once,
Good morning, sir ; I've been watching some time for you, sir.
O. Mel. O, what, you've found me out, have you ?
Lar. O, to be sure I have, with half an eye. Did you think to
bamboozle me ? By my faith, your head must be mighty thick for you
to suppose I couldn't see through it.
O. Mel. (^Aside.) He's cursed complimentary. Do you know
who I am ?
JUir. O, to be sure I do, in spite of your copper-colored nose that
you've been rubbing over with brick dust.
O. Mel. I rubbing my nose wth brick dust ! Why, you scoun-
drel ! what is the meaning of all this ? I tell you you're de-
ceived, sir.
Lar. No, sir, I am not deceived, though you've tried it on pretty
neatly. But there's Station House written as plainly upon your ugly
forehead as it is upon the comer house, and luckily you've come a
It) MORE BLUNDERS THAN ONB.
a little too late ; and there's only one thing I should like, now, be-
fore you go. , I
O. Mel. And pray "what's that ?
Lar. To knock your ugly old jaws about ; and if you ain't off
with a hop, skip, and a jump, by the powers I'll be after doing it, too.
O. Mel. You •will, will you ? Tell me, sir, did your master order
you to treat me so ?
Lar. No, to be sure he didn't.
O. Mel. No, certainly not.
Lar. No, he merely tailed me to kick you down stairs, or throw
you out of window.
O. Mel. O, he did, did he ? I'll disinherit the rascal ! But, tell
me, sir, what reason have you or my nephew for treating me thus ?
Lar. My reasons are at my fingers' ends ; and if you ain't out of
the house in a pig's whisper, by the powers you shall have a belly full
of 'em.
O. Mel. I'll cut the ungrateful monster off with a shiUing.
Lar. I'll cut you off the face of the earth like a leprechaun, if
you're not off in a whistle. (^Putting himself in a boxing attitude.)
O. Mel. Out, you scoundrel ! {Exit, L. h. 1 e.)
Lar. If he had staid in the room another five minutes, in less than
half that time he should have found himself out of the window in the
middle of the street.
Enter YouKG Melbourne, d. e. r.
Y. Mel, "Well, I have finished my letter, and, knowing I should
require your services here, Larry, I have sent it by the maid.
Lar. Sent it by the maid, have you ? O, blood and ouns ! then
here'll be a pretty blow up, as the spark said to the powder-mill ;
however, I must get the uncle to intercede for me.
Y. Mel. So the old boy's arrived, is he ?
Lar. To be sure he is.
Y. Mel. He did not seem offended that I was not here to receive
him, did he ?
Lar, No, sir ; he seemed mighty well pleased with your humble
ser\'ant. I was quite condescending with him.
r. Mel. But before I introduce myself, just let me take a peep, and
see what sort of a looking old boy it is.
Lar. O, you'll find him a mighty fatherly-looking sort of a per-
sonage. (Young Melbourne pee^* iArow^A the key hole, d. l. r.)
Y. Mel. Horror and confusion ! Why,' that's Trap, the bailiff of
the Station House. What the devil have you been about r
Lar, Trap, of the Station House ? O, the counterfeit blackguard !
{^Recollecting himself.) Fait, then, if I haven't kicked the real imcle
out of doors. But, by the powers, I'd better keep that to myself, or
my master' 11 kick me after him.
Y. Mel. What the deuse is to be done ? ,
Lar. Done, sir ! — there's nothing to be done but to bolt for it.
(Y. Mel. runs off, d. f. r. h. Trap seen looking out at the drawing
room door, L. r.) I've a great mind to fall down and break my own
MORE BLUNDERS THAN ONE. 1.
neck, on purpose to pitch him from the top of the stairs to the bottom
(■Trap atiem2}ts to come out; Larry intercepts him — trips hint up
Tr.\.p limps off, L. H. 1 E. ; Larry runs off, r. h. 1 e.)
Scene III. — Chamber in 3 g., (Louisa's.) A large closet with fol&
ing doors in c, backed by shelves containing bandboxes ; lady's bonnA
and shawl ; china ^care, bowls, cups and saticers ; set fireplace on r.
H. 2 E., with fire screen, practical, backed by black backing ; D. r. L.
"B.,, practical, backed by chamber ; a small cabinet on R. H. 3 E., prac-
tical, <SfC. ; table and two chairs on L. c. ; two chairs on R. H. ; a ret-
icule hanging on chair, R. H., containing hatidsome pocket book, min^
iature, necklaces, small jewel case, itnitation watch and chain.
Enter Letty, l. h. 1 e., with a green quart bottle in her hand.
Let. Well, here's a pretty present ! I've got a bottle of real whi&
key, come all the way from Tipperary. How strong it does smell .
The only difficulty is, I don't know where to put it ; for if Susan's
lover, Larry Hoolagan, should once get scent of it, good by to it. Ah,
how I do hate him ! I have it. — I'll conceal it in my mistress's clos-
et ; no one will think of looking there ; and even if my mistress
should discover it, I can tell her the truth at last. — That's an excel-
lent idea. (Letty opens the closet in c, and hides the bottle behiiid some
of the articles.) There, now — there it will be safe, at all events. I
may go and finish my work in comfort. How delighted I am !
(^Exit, R. H. 1 E.)
? Enter Larry, cautiously, l. h. 1 e.
Lar. So, here I am once more, under the same roof with my little
darling. I've sneaked in to wish her good morning this afternoon.
My master sent me somewhere else ; but I preferred coming here, be-
cause it was more agreeable.
Enter Susan, r. 1 e.
O, there's the beauty !
Sus. What, Larry ! — is that you ?
Lar. If I know myself, take my word for it, it's nobody else.
Sus. O, Larry, I am so glad to see you !
Lar. O, to be sure you are : you were always a sensible girl.
Sus. But you mustn't stay here now, Larry ; for if my mistress
should see you before a reconciliation takes place, I don't know what
might be the consequences.
x>ar. Then I'm off, my dear, liko an ould woman's wig in a liigh
wind. [Just as Larry is going off, L. h., a loud double knock is heard,
jj. H. 1 E.) Fait ! that's my master's knock, I'll be upon my davy.
Now, what's to be done ? If he catches me here, he'll smoke the
whole contrivance.
Sus. Never mind ; I' U let you out this way.
Lou. {Without, R. H.) Susan — Susan, see to the door.
12 MORE BLTjkDEItS THAN OITE.
Sris. There comes my mistress ; we are beset on both sides. Bui
are you certain it's your master ?
La?: Certain, my dear. If I were the door and my nose the
knocker, I couldn't be more certain.
Sus. Stop !
Lar. Stop ! I'd much rather go !
Sus. Here, this is the only chance we have. Step into this closet ;
mind you don't squeeze any of the bandboxes, or do any mischief,
and the moment your master goes, I'll let you oiit.
Lar. Och ! there's a clever fellow. Och ! what a man your
mother must have been ! {Knock, r. H. 1 e. As Larry gets mar the
closet in C, he sniff's about as if he smelt something.') Och ! what a
nosegay ! — What is it, my darling ?
Sus. I'm sure I don't know — some of my mistress's lavender, or
rose water, or something or another.
Lar. Lavender or rose water ? Fait ! I'd like to find out your
mistress's perfumer. It smells mighty like the creature.
Sus. Never mind what it Smells like, but get in.
Lar. {Still smelling.) Och ! the purest potteen was never more
odoriferous. I should like to put a little on my handkerchief.
{Knock, X. H. 1 E.)
Sus. Get in, or all will be discovered.
Lar. There, I'm in, my darling. Och ! I haven't had such a
nosegay since I left Ballyporeen. Och ! I'll stay here forever.
(Susan shuts him in the closet, c.)
Sus. There — if he only rfemain quiet, all will be safe.
Enter Louisa, r. h. 1 e.
Lou. What can this knocking mean ? — Is no one there to open the
i!et door ?
Sus. Yes, tiia'am, it is open, and some one is coming np stairs.
Lou. And by all my fears, 'tis Melbourne.
Sus. Well, ma'am, you see it's too late to avoid him now.
Enter Young Melbourne, l. h. 1 e.
Y. Mel. Madam, your most obedient. (Louisa courtesies.) Per-
haps, madam, after what has occurred, you feel somewhat astonished at
my visit.
Lou. Perhaps I may, sir, after your past conduct.
Y. Mel. I believe if my former conduct be impartially examined,
madam, I shall find but little to regret. I wrote to you on the subject.
Lon, So, sir, after having insulted me with a letter, you would
screen your conduct with a falsehood.
Y.Mel. A falsehood, madam ! but you are a lady. {Considering.)
I am confident there is some strange and unaccountable mistake
throughont the whole affair, so I'll at least make one effort towards a
reconciliation.
Lou. {Aside.) I wish he'd speak to me.
Sus, {Aside.) I wonder what has made Larry so quiet.
F. MeL {Looking; round.") Louisa !
MOEE BLUNDERS THAN ONE, 13
Lou. Henry !
Y. Mel. I wish, Louisa, you would tell me how this qnarrel ori-
ginated — believe me, I never meant to offend you.
Lou. Then, really, I am sorry I have behaved so unkindly to you.
Y. Mel. Are you, indeed ? — then I am the happiest of men again.
Sus. (^Aside.) O, Gemini ! if they haven't made it up again. 1
shall be Mrs. Hoolagan after all. But I can't think what makes Larry
so quiet.
Loti. Now, mind — I only forgive you on condition you answer me
truly and faithfully the following question.
Y. Mel. Name it, then, that I may earn my sweet forgiveness.
Lou. Have you ever sent your servant Larry to watch my conduct ?
Y. Mel. Never.
Lou. Not even since our quarrel ?
Y. Mel. I have even forbidden his coming near the place.
Lou. Well, it's very strange ; I could have been positive I heard
his voice in the apartment this very day.
Sus. Lor', ma'am ! — (^Aside.) She certainly heard him.
Y. Mel. I assure you it could not be : at this very moment he is at
quite a different part of the town.
Lou. Well, then, I confess myself in the wrong. There is my
hand, Henry — you know where my heart is already.
Y. Mel. I should, indeed, have been unworthy of you, could I so
haTe degraded myself as to put my servant as a spy upon you. If
he have been here, believe I sent lum ; for he would not dare to dis-
obey my orders.
Lou. Well, I believe you, and I am happy.
Sus. {Aside.) And so shall I be, when I get Larry away.
Y. Mel. Be assured you have no reason to be otherwise, and let
this kiss be the sweet token of our reconciliation. {Kisses her hand.)
Sus. Now I shall get a husband, and a hundred pounds into the
bargain. {At this moment Larry, in a state of intoxication, is heard
tinging in the closet, c, with all his might, — )
let us be frisky,
And tipple the whiskey —
Long life to the lads of sweet liberty's joys ;
No nation whatever
Hath power to sever
The shamrock, the rose, and the thistle, my ooys. .
[All seem petrified.)
Lou. Why, Susan, what noise is that ?
Sus. I'm sure I don't know ; I didn't hear any thing, ma'am.
(Larry w heard singing still louder, c. — Aside.) We're ruined —
past all hope. {China crash, c ; Louisa runs and throws open the
closet door, C, when Larry is discovered sitting in a bandbox,. with the
empty whiskey bottle in his hand, and a lady's bonnet and shawl on ; at
the same momeut Letty runs in, and, at the sight of him, teems ready
to faint, L. h. 1 E.)
Let. {Screaming.) O, my whiskey — my whiskey ! (La«rt
ting/s, Afc)
2
14 MORE BLUNDEltS THAN OXE,
Y. Mel. Louisa, listen to me.
Lou. Never ! Here we part to meet no more. (^Ezit, E. H. 1 b.)
Sus. O, Lam-, what have you done ?
Let. TVTiy, he has diimk all my bottle of ■whiskey.
Siis. O, you filthy creature ! ^
Lar. All I can say is, if ladies %vill keep such perfumes, at least
they shouldn't let an Lrishman come near 'em, my jewel.
Siis. O, Larry, Larry, this ends all our hopes ! I can't bear the
sight of him any longer, {Exit, E. h. 1 e.)
Lar. Poor thing ! she don't seem altogether well pleased with her-
self. I can't think who has offended her. {Darken stage.)
Y. Mel. O, you scoimdrel ! what did you do in that closet ?
Lar. What did I do in that closet ? I drank a bottle of whiskey,
please your honor.
Let. Yes, at my expense.
Lar. Och, then let me pay you for it ; a kiss will settle the whole
account.
Let. Get out, you drunken beast ! O, my bottle, my bottle !
{Exit, L. H. 1 E.)
Lar. O, bother your bottle ! — coming over me with the pride of
your dirty bottle ! Here it is, safe enough ; and if ever you get
drunk with what's in it, say it ain't my fault, that's all.
Y. Mel. Get out of the house, you drunken scovmdrel !
Lar. Scoundrel ! do you mean to insult me ? There, take your
dirty livery. I discharge you from the proud eminence of being my
master. Listen to that and break your heart.
Y. Mel. Go to the devil !
Lar. After you is manners, sir. {Exit YorxG MELBOxnaxE, L. H. 1
E.) Hurrah ! the to^-n's our own. O !
{Sings and exit, L. H. 1 e.)
Enter Scsi!^', R. h. 1 e., with lighted candle, setting the place in order.
Lights up.
Sm. There, now, that's done, and that's done, and it's all done,
after a way ; but I don't care how any thing's done since Larry's
cruel beha\ior. I know I shall die the ■s'ictim of an unfortunate pas-
sion, and then he'll have nothing to do but to strew my grave with
sunflowers, and hollyhocks, and devil's oatmeal, and all those pretty
things. It makes me feel like a corpse only thinking of it. ( Taking
up the reticule.) Why, what can all this be so hea%7 ? {Opening the
reticule.) "^Miy, I declare, if here ain't all Mr. Melbourne's presents,
that my mistress used to prize so much, all jumbled in together. I'm
sure that's very improper to have them throwing about here ; they're
safer in their proper places. By and by we shall have them lost, and
then perhaps I shall be suspected. However, I'll lock them up, in.
case of any thing. {Takes the presents out of the reticule, and locks
them in the cabinet, R. H. 3 E., leaving the reticule hanging on the
chair back, R. H.) There, now, they're safe, at all events ; and now I
may go and amuse myself with crying my eyes out again about that
ungrateful Larry.
MORE BLtTNDERS THAN ONE. 16
Enter Larry, l. h. 1 e.
Lar. Fait, I'm in, and there's my little darling, too, only I can't
see her, for, by the powers, I'm ashamed to look at her.
Sus. I'm surfe I hope I shall never clap my eyes on the filthy crea-
ture again.
Lar. Now, that's myself she means. How afiectionately she
remembers me !
Sus. I think if I were to see him now I should
Lar. You should overwhelm him with shamefulness by saying,
Larry, I forgive you, you blackguard.
Sus. Should I, indeed ? O, you vile profligate !
Lar. That's right, my darling ; call me all the ugly names you
can think of ; it eases my conscience to hear you.
Sus. I'll never forgive you — never !
Lar. Only this once, my darling, only this once ; and see here ;
haven't I got a little keepsake' for you, in order that you may never
be able to forget the xmgrateful villain ?
Sus. A keepsake, indeed ! Well, let me see what it is.
Lar. O, to be sure you shall. "Where have I put it ? Fait, if I
haven't put it at the further end of my coat pocket, under all the eat-
ables. But wait a minute, my dear, and you shall have it in less than
a second. ( Takes a chair, and begin9 emptying his pockets on to it, the
chief contents of which are a parcel of dirty potatoes.)
Sus. Why, what have you got there ?
Lar. Only a couple of pound of waxy potatoes. I couldn't
resist buying 'em they looked so beautiful and mealy. >'<
Sus. But don't put the nastj', dirty things on the clean chair cover.
Lar. Nasty, dirty things, do you call 'em ? Not put 'em on the
chair cover, indeed ! Don't I mean to put 'em in my mouth ? But
here, my love, here's the beautiful keepsake. (^Showing her a tobacco
stopper.) _
Sus. What in the name of wonder's that ?
Lar. Och, isn't it a tobacco stopper ? Take it, my love ; you'll
find it mighty convenient if you should fancy a pipe.
Sus. Fancy a pipe, indeed ! But it's no use bearing malice ; and
if you'll promise me never to behave so again, and never even to look
at Letty when I'm not in the way, I forgive you.
Lar. Look at Letty ! I'll never look at any body but yourself.
Come, give us a real hearty kiss, to make it up.
Louisa. (Without, R. H.) Susan.
Sus. Hush, hush ! here comes my mistress.
Lar. Fait, then, I'm off again.
Sus. No, no, she sees you now ; you had better remain where you
are, and make the best excuse you can. {Exit, r. h. 1 e.)
Lar. O murder ! look at the way she's left the beautiful waxies, all
exposed. They've cat a large hole in my pocket. I'll just pop them
into this bit of a bag. {Knock, l. h. 1 e.) Here's the naaster, again.
What a fool he mlist be, to be sure ! Where the devil am I to go ?
O, here. {Goes up chimney, r. h. 2 E.)
t6 MORE BITTNDEBS THAN ONE.
Enter Young Melbourne, l. h. 1 e,, meeting Louisa, r. h. 1 e.
Y. Mel. Madam, I merely called to return a miniature "which I
had, perhaps, till now^-prized but too highly.
Lou. Very likely, sir ; and to say the truth, I had put out your
presents for the very same purpose. {^Taking up the 7-eticule.')
Y. Mel. There, madam ; I believe the sooner our conference is
ended, the better ; there is your miniature.
Lou. And th€re, sir, are your paltry presents. (Flingitig the
reticule at his feet. And now, sir, farewell forever.
{Exit Louisa, with candle/, R. H. 1 e.)
F. Mel. So, she's gone, and forever. I'll take my presents, lout
I'll leave her reticule, that I may not have any thing to remind me
of her. {Puts his hand in the reticule, and takes out a large potato.)
Confusion ! Does she make a jest ^nd mockery of me ? No doubt
she thinks this an amazing clever joke. {Lights gradually down.) This
paltry trick has disgusted me more than the grossest injury could
have done. It is unworthy even her. {In his passion he tears the
reticule to pieces.) But I'll hence directly, lest I should be tempted
to retaliate. Mean, insulting woman ! {As he is going off he is met
6y-LETiY, with candle lighted, L. H. 1 E.)
Let. O, sir, sir, there's a strange sort of looking person below in-
quiring for you. He says he w<Mi't go without seeing you. I can't
think who it can be.
Y. Mel. But I can, and but too well.
Let. Lord, who is it, then ?
Y. Mel. Why, Trap, the bailiff, from the station house, to be
sure. I'm undone. Tell me, Letty, have you nowhere you could
conceal me for a few minutes ?
Let. Yes, I have it; but hark! he's coming up. Conceal your-
self behind that fire screen, and I'll get him out of the house as fast
as possible. {Exit Lettt, L. h. 1 E.)
Y. Mel. Thanks, thanks, dearest Letty. {Looking in the fireplace,
R. H,) Why, curse it, I can't conceal myself here ; it's full of soot ;
I shall be as black as a sweep in five minutes. {Opens the door, L. f.)
What have we here ! a dressing room ! It's rather imceremonious ;
but necessitj' has no law, and so in I go. What with love and law,
I'm in a pretty situation. {Exit into d. i. F., taking candle — stage
dark.)
Lar. {Comes do\cn chimney, R. H. 2 E.) Whew ! what a smell of
soot ! The master's gone out, and so has the candle. It's about as
dark as the devil's hall door. Now if I coulidt only grQpe my way to
the door. .
Enter Letty, eaiUiously, l. h. 1 E.
Lei. I wonder whether Mr. Melbourne has found his way out ! I
feel quite interested about him. Hush ! there's some one there ; that's
him, then ; hist ! hist !
Lar. {Aside.) Who the devil's that ? {Catching hold of IjVTTt' a
gown.) Fait, it's a petticoat. I don'tknow who< it is, but, by my
MOBE SLUNDEBa THAN OltB. 17-
eoul, I'd like to nave a kiss ; -we're in the dark, and she'll never find
oiit it's me.
Let. {Aside.') How coaxing he is ! it's my belief he's going to
give me something.
Lar. Here, you little angel of darkness. — (Kisses her.) Again,
you rogue.
Let. No, no — let me go ; there's some one coming.
Lar. Fait, so there is.
Let. {Runni7ig off, L. H. 1 E.) O, what a charming fellow !
Enter Susan with a light, R. h. 1 e. Lights up.
Stcs. {Looking at Larry.) Lor', Larry, what have you been rub-
bing your face against ?
Lar. Nothing, my darling — (aside) — only as nice a pair of lips
as ever smelt powder.
Sus. Why, any body would think you had been kissing the tea
kettle.
T. ivij'. ;;''V ,-ii>; .n^i .yj-X
Enter Letty, with her cheeks bearing the visible ma^%s of ITAIiiT'S
kisses, L. H. 1 E.
Let. Susan, Susan, you'd better go ; Miss Lovemore is waiting
for you.
Siis. O Letty, Letty, look there! (Pointing to Larry's jTace ;
and then first seeing the soot on Letty's yace, as if the truth flashed
upon her at the moment, she falls into the chair, screaming, on R. C.)
Lar. What's the row ? what's the row ?
Let. What is the meaning of this ?
Enter LoxnsA in haste, r. h. 1 e.
Lou. Susan, Susan, what means this noise ?
Sus. Ah, ma'am, ma'am, I've detected them ; look at the traitors.
Letty has been kissing my Larry till he's black in the face.
Let. I kissing him !
Lar. O, here's murder and robbery !
Sus. And I know, ma'am, you're too good to see me put upon in
this way : you won't suffer such goings on in your house, will you,
ma'am?
Lou. No, certainly not. Letty, you are discharged.
Let. For what, I should like to know ?
Lou. For suffering Susan's sweetheart, then, to kiss you, ma'am.
Let. But I say he never did, though. Fd rather be kissed by a
tomcat.
Sim. (b. c.) It's no such thing.
Lou. (r. h.) Don't answer me, but leave the house.
Let. "Then since I must go, ma'am, I don't mind confessing I havo
been kissed by somebody, and that somebody was young Mr. Mel-
bourne, ma'am.
Y, Mel. (Looking from the door, 1. v.) O, you false fagot !
2 *
18 KOEE BLUNDEES THA2f ONE.
Lar. O, to be siire it was, for I saw him.
Y. Mel. {Rmhing forward c, and collaring Laery.) O, you ly-
ing scoundrel !
Lar. (l. c. Aside to Meleouexe.) Whisht, sir ; it's only a pa»t
of the stratagem. — Well, then, I made a mistake ; it wasn't.
Let. (l. H.) Then it was that filthy creature who kissed me, sifter
all. Ah ! i^Rubbifig her mouth, and discovering the black.')
Y. Mel. Louisa, Louisa, hear me.
Lar. Hear me, ma'am ; I'll tell you all about it.
Y. Mel. Silence, sir ! begone — leave my sers'ice this instant.
Lar. Well, sir, I'll go if you wish it ; but mind, sir, I leave you
with clean hands.
Let. That's more than you do with a clean face !
Lar. If I've been kissing the tea kettle, you've been making free
wid the coffee pot, Mrs. Lavender Water.
{Exeunt Laert and Letty, l. h. 1 e.)
Sus. O, the cruel, false-hearted man ! I know I shall die.
{Exit, E, H. 1 E.)
Lou. So, sir, you are not satisfied with concealing your servant in
my closet, but you must hide yourself, too, in my dressing room.
Y. Mel. Louisa ! Louisa ! indeed you are deceived.
Lou. Certainly, I am always deceived, but not by you, sir. Look
there. {Pointing to the torn reticule.) I am not deceived in that,
sir ; after having taken out the jewels, to vent yoiu: spite upon my
reticule ! Ah, that was very noble !
Y. Mel. Madam, madam, this is too much — to be injured and in-
sulted thus ! I now disdain an explanation. Farewell forever.
{Exit, L. H. 1 E.)
Lou. So, he's gone, then. Well, I am now more pleased than
ever. A mean, paltry, insulting, hard-hearted
{Bursts into tears, and exit, E. H. 1 E.^
Reenter Laert, l. h. 1 e.
Lar. So ! he's discharged me ; but I won't go. Poor fellow ! he'd
be in a pretty plight if I was to leave him, getting into all sorts of
scrapes, and nobody to hit upon a stratagem to get him out. I won-
der where Susan's hid herself. I'd like to mollify her a bit after that
kissin' match in the dark. O, here she comes.
Enter Susan, r. h. 1 b.
Sus. O, you deceitful, ungrateful, incorrigible, unmanageable,
horrid
Lar. Whisht ! upon my soul I thought it was you.
Sits. No — did you ?
Lar. But tell me, how are we to get the master and the mistress
reconciled — eh ?
Sus. I'm afraid it's quite impossible, now she's determined not to
have any thing to say to him.
Lar. 1 must think of a stratagem. I have it — I have it. You
MORE BLUNDERS THAN ONE; £9
shall persuade your mistress that my master's on the point of death,
in consequence of her cruelty ; and if she don't forgive him then,
she's not such a fool as I'd take her for.
Sus. Why, perhaps her affection might overcome her anger, in that
case ; but I'm afraid she'd never beUeve me, without she ■were
actually to see him.
Lar. Fait ! then she shall.
Sits. Why, I'm sure your master ■will never lend himself to such a
scheme.
Lar. No, my dear, but I'll lend myself to it. lie -won't be home
till late to-night. No-w, if I put on his morning gown and slippers,
and place myself in an elegant concumbent posture in the easy chair,
■with my face disguised and my voice concealed, how should she kno^w:
me from him, my darling ? and then I'll moan so piteously, that I'd
move the heart of a summer cabbage.
Sus. Why, I think it might succeed.
Lar. To be sure it must. Run to her immediately, and tell her I
— no, my master's broke his heart, but is detecmined not to die till he
receives her pardon. Then hey for the wedding, my darling.
Sus. Why, really, it will be delightful if I can only persuade her
to come.
Lar. She'll be svire to come if you play your part weU. Only
shed plenty of tears, my dear ; you know they cost nothing, and are.
easily replaced.
Sus. Well, well, it shall not be my fault if it don't succeed; so
farewell. {Exit, R. h. 1 e.)
Lar. Now I must go and get the powder puff, and put a little;
color in my face. I must make free, too, with my master's morning
gown and slippers ; and if this stratagem doesn't soften her heart like.
an overboiled turnip, I'll tmm teetotaler, and live upon buttermilk.
{Exit, L. H. 1 E.)
Scene IV. — Melbourne's Apartment, 1 g.
Enter Louisa a7id Susan, l. h. 1 e.
Lou. Really, Susan, the idea of Melbourne being in so -wretched
a state completely overpoAvers me.
Sus. 1 thought it would, ma'am ; you should not have been so
cruel to him. But if any thing in the world can recover him, I am
sure it will be this ■visit. ■■;
Lou. What was I to do ? I feel the indelicacy of it ; but if he
should die ■without being conscious of my forgiveness, I should never
know another moment's peace.
Sus. True, ma'am ; I will run immediately, and see if he's pre-
pared for the interview. — (Asi(is.) Now, if Larrj' has only man-
aged as well as I have, both oiur fortunes are made at once.
{Exit, L. H. 1 e.)
Lou, Poor Melbourne !
20 MORE BLUNDEBS THAN ONE.
Enter Old Melbourne, l. h. 1 e.
O. Mel. I'm determined that rascal shall not drive me out of the
country till I have reproached him -with his ingratitude. (^Seeing
Louisa, r. h.) Eh ! -who can this be ? She appears a lady. I'll
speak to her. You are here, madam, I presume, in the hope of see-
ing Mr. Melbourne ?
Lou. I am, sir. — (^Aside.") Who can this old gentleman be ? O,
I see — it is his physician ; he comes to prepare me for the meeting.
O. Mel, I fear, madam, it is very doubtful whether you will be
fortunate enough to obtain your wish.
Lou. What mean you ? He is not yet dead ?
O. Mel. No, ma'am ; better that he were.
Lou. Is he, then, so far gone ?
O. Mel. Yes, ma'am, the truth must be spoken — I deem him
qiiite incurable.
•J Lou. Alas! are there no hopes ?
O. Mek O, no ; he's past all hope.
Lou. Unhappy man ! But still you will do all you can to save
him.
O. Mel. O, no, ma'am ; his sj'stem is so bad that I shall not at-
tempt to save him.
Lou. Not attempt to save him ?
O. Mel. No ; for he has insulted me.
Lou. Insulted you ! Unfeeling monster ! But your conduct
shall be known.
O. Mel. So it is ; turn which way I will, this is the reception I
meet vsath. I've witnessed nothing but insult since I put my foot
ashore ; and now, because I won't support that scoxmdrel in his profli-
gacy, I'm to be despised by the whole world.
Reenter Susan, l. h. 1 e.
Su3. Now, ma'am, Mr. Melbourne's prepared.
Lou. Then I shall see him for the last time.
(Exeunt Louisa and Susan, l. h. 1 e.)
O. Mel. {Aside.) Yes, and I shall see him for the first time.
{Exit, L. H. 1 E.)
Scene Y. — Younc Melbourne's Apartment, 3 G. Large easy chair
' on R. H. c. Tahle covered with large cloth on R. H., to reach stage ; on it
■^ dressing case, powder and puff. Table covered on L. H. ; on it decan-
ter of wine and wine glasses. Tvxi chairs on R. H. ; two chairs
on L. H.
Larrt discovered, disguised in his master's dressing gown, slippers, S^.,
seated in easy chair on R. c.
Lar. Well, I have taken pains enough to make myself look ele-
VORE BLUKDERS *fiAW ONE. 21
gant, at all events. But I'm in a mighty stew, for fear I'll be discov-
ered though. I feel all of a cold sweat, hke a lump of ice in the dog
days. (^Noise without.) But here they come. So now I'll put on
the dolefuls, and look as interestiag as an old cow with a winter
cough.
Enter LorisA, Susan, and Old JiIelboukne, i,''h. 1 e.
Stis. There, ma'am, there's the unhappy man.
Lou. I scarce can look at him.
O. Mel. Ah, sight of woe ! is this our meeting, then, at last ?
Lou. What ! your heart is moved, then, is it ? — O Henry, Hen-
ry, can you forgive me ?
Lar. (Aside to Susan.) Tell her I'm speechless, my dear.
Hits. You see, ma'am, he's too far gone to make you any answer.
Lou. But press my hand, that I may know you're conscious of my
presence. (Larry takes her hand and kisses it.)
Sus. {Aside to Larry.) Larry, Larry, be quiet. — I won't
allow it.
Lar. (^Aside to Susan.) Never mind, my darling, I'll give you a
couple. (Larry kisses Susan's hand loith warmth, which Louisa
perceives.)
Lou. Why, what can he mean ?
Sus. O, no, no, nothing, ma'am — the poor creature, you see, don't
know my hand from yours.
Lou. Poor soul. (Larry pretends to be in the greatest agony.)
See, see, he's dying.
O. Mel. Fortunately travellers are generally provided. {Takes a
small case out of his pocket, containing vials, surgical instruments, ^c.)
Shall I phlebotomize him ?
Lar. {Aside to SusAN.) No, by the powers he shan't.
O. Mel. No, no — fetch me a glass ; I'll give him something that
may, perhaps, revive him.
Lar. {Aside to Susan.) By my soul, I'll not take it — I never
could swallow a dose of physic in my life.
Sus. {Aside.) But you must, though, or we shall certainly be
found out.
Lou. Here, here, give it him this instant. (Old Melbourne
pours out a dose of medicine, which, after much resistance, Larry
twallows.)
Lar. {Aside to Susan.) O that I had a drap of whiskey, to take
the taste out of my mouth.
O. Mel. {Examining his case.) O, horror ! what have I done !
{He seems petrified.)
Lou. Why, what have you done ?
O. Mel. Wretched man ! In my anxiety I have given him the
wrong medicine. He has swallowed a dose of laudanum that would
be the death of a dray-horse. But don't breathe a word to him of it ;
run and fetch a glass of water.
Lou. I will, I will. — O Henry ! Henry ! {Exit, R. h. 1 e.)
O. Mel. Now, if she should remain more than five minutes, he'll
22 StOSB BtrXDKKS TBL\.X OSE.
be dead before she returns — I hare it. I'll run and fetch one of the
ne'nriT inrented stomach syringes, and pipe all hands to the pump. O,
imfortiuiate old man I . {Exit, l. h. 1 e.}
Lar. What the devil's all this hubaboo about : Och, I suppose
they are making my -will.
^us. I'm sure I don"t know.
iar. {Kjiaek, L. H.) AVan't that a beautiful stratagem : But, O,
that nasty physic. Och, if they only made ■whiskey of such stuff as
that, I'd be the soberest man hving. Run, Susan, and get me a drap
of the creature, to take the taste out of my mouth.
Sus. I ■will, I -n-ill, and a bit of sugar, too. {Exit, r. h. 1 -e.)
Lar. O, -svhat a sweet girl that is ! {A hud double knock,
L. H. 1 r.) Murder and turf 1 if there ain't my master on the out-
side of the door, and presently I"ll be after taking his place, while
some other thief takes mine. But, if I stay here, it's all over with
me. I'll just seat myself behind this dressing table, and make my ob-
servations like a telegraft. ( Throics off the dressing gown and slippers,
and conceals himself behind the table, K. H.)
Enier Yottsg MELBorBXE, l. h. 1 e.
T. MtJ. Xo news of my imcle ; his long absence begins quite to
alarm me. I regret, now, that I have been out. The rain pours do'wo.
in torrents ; I am dripping. Ah, fortunately, Larry has thought it
might be so, I see, and has placed my dressing gown and slippers here
for me. Xow, that was thoughtful of him. I did not think the rascal
had so much discernment.
Lar. i^Aside.) Ah, he's not such a fool as he looks.
Y. MeL I shall begin to think better of the scoimdrel for the
future. {Takts off his coat and shoes, and puis on the dressing gown
itc, and seats himself in easy chair, E. c.) Now let me meditate a
wMle. O Louisa ' Louisa I Am I never to taste aught but bitters ?
Enter Sdsax, viih a lump of sugar in her hand, E. H. 1 e.
Sus. Just pop fhU lump of sugar in your mouth, and it will take
away the taste in a minute. {Seeing her mistake, she screams.)
Y. Mel. 'VS'hy, what can this mean : Susan here !
Enter LotriSA., with a tumbler of medicine, E. H. 1 E.
Lou. Now, now, Henry, swallow this, and you may yet be saved.
Y. Mel. Louisa here, too ! — so *he couldn't live without me.
This is, indeed, a triumph.
Lou. Take it — take it.
Y. Mel. ^Vhat the deuse shotild I take it for :
Enier Olb MsLBorHNT, with a large wash-hand basin, tea kettle, and
a stomach syringe in hit hand, L. h. 1 e.
O. MeL There, now, let me put this down your throat, and all
mav vet be well.
MORE BLrXDERS THAX OBE. 23
F. Mel. Xo ; I'll be ctirsed if you shall. — "VMiat can this mean ?
Lou. VThy, he seeras quite another person.
Lar. {Looking from betieaih the table, lu h.) It would be mighty
odd if he didn't.
O. Mel. Pray suffer me to operate.
F. Mel. For what piirpose :
O. Mel. I'd better tell him the truth at once. If you must know,
then, just now I gave you the -wrong medicine.
Lar. (^Aside.) The devil you did.
Sus. (Asid^.) O, my poor Larry !
T. Mel. ^Vhy, I haven't taken a drop of medicine these three
years.
Lou. (^Aside.) O, he's becoming quite dehrioiis.
O. Mel. You have swallowed a dose of laudanum that would set-
tle a regiment.
Lar. (Aside.) Ho, bad luck to you ; it's I that have s^yaUowed it.
&M. O, if they haven't poisoned my poor Larry !
O. Mel. If it ain't dra-mi off, you're a dead man.
Lar. {Aside.) No, it's I'm the dead man.
O. Mel. You must take this dose. i
F. Mel. I tell you I won't.
Lou. O, do I on my knees I pray you to take it.
O. Mel. Yes, on our knees, we pray.
O/nties. O, pray ! pray I ( TAey ktwel. Laeby quite overcome
teiih his sufferings, haves his ixtncealment, apparently in the agonies of -
death ; and thrusting his master out of the chair, takes his place between
LoriSA a?id Old iizLBoriccE.)
Lar. O, don't wear out your knees in prayer to him : it's I'm the
dead man. Give me the dose — give me the dose.
AU. You :
Lar. Yes, I'm at death's door, and I'm afraid I'll be let in with-
out even the trouble of knocking.
F. MeL You here, sir : "What can this mean r
Lar. O, don't bother me with any tmchristian-like questions now,
"Wlien I'm gone, Susan will explain all. Give me the other dose —
give me the other dose. {SicaJJoics the tumbler of medioine.)
Y. Mel. So, sir, you have been at your stratagems again, have yon ?
Lar. I have, sir ; but don't be angry ; it will be my last stratagem
in this world.
O. Mel. So 'tis this poor fellow I have poisoned, after all. O,
miserable old man that I am I
F. Mel. "^Tiy, who is this old gentleman r
Lou. "SVhy, your physician, to be sure.
O. Mel. His physician ! Nonsense, I'm his uncle.
F. Mel. Can it be possible ?
Lar. Yes, to be sure it is : I know him of ould.
F. Mel. You infernal
Lar. O, sir, don't abuse a dying man. — {To Louisa.) Here,
ma'am, since I'm on my death bed, I may as well confess all my
sins ; here's my master's letter that he sent you yesterday morning,
but which I never dehvered.
U HOBB BLtmDEBS THAN 0X£.
Lou. What ! my own letter, and unopened !
Lar. Yes, ma'am ; it stuck in my pocket like post office sticking
plaster. O ! I'm going ! I'm going ! Susan, darling, take an affec-
tionate leave of me. A couple of kicks and a gnmt, and it will be all
over, like Donnybrook Fair.
O. Mel. Huzza ! huzza !
Omnes. Why, what's the matter !
O. Mel. He's not poisoned. The bottle of laudanum had only
slipped out of my pocket-case, and I thought he had taken it.
Lar. Och, then, I'm all right again, and I'll live till I die, and a
great deal longer, too.
Y. Mel. Yes, sir ; but leave my service this instant.
Sus. Then if he's turned away, if you please, ma'am, I must be
ti rned away too.
« Lar. Och, there's a brave boy for you.
•*f O. Mel. No, no, I think he has been sufficiently punished ; let me
intercede for him, though he says Station HoTise is written upon my
/ ugly forehead.
f Lar. O, don't make me blush.
' O. Mel. No ; that would be a pity.
Lar. Say that you'll forgive me, sir, or I'll never forgive myself.
Y. Mel. Well, it must be on one condition, only ; and that is, that
we have no more stratagems.
; Lar. Long Ufe to your honor, the devil a one. Hoping that our
' ''*kind patrons will grant us the end and aim of all our little stratagems
— their approbation.
SITUATIONS
LJlREY.
CURTAIN.
3 1205 00117 3101
uc ^°"^"'"'.||5m^^