CAllFOfcfc, lL <>? ^ .avaain^ , 5ME -UNIVERS/ O u. ^ C 3 l$01^ (Entireln (ingiral <& as they recollect, then both heave a deep sigh.) Luiz. Ah, Casilda, you were to me as the sun is to the earth 1 CAS. A quarter of an hour ago ? Luiz. About that. CAS. And to think that, but for this miserable discovery, you would have been my own for life ! Luiz. Through life to death a quarter of an hour ago ! CAS. How greedily my thirsty ears would have drunk the golden melody of those sweet words a quarter well it's now about twenty minutes since. (Looking at her watch.) Luiz. About that. In such a matter one cannot be too precise. CAS. Then, henceforth, our love is but a memory ! Luiz. It must be so, Casilda ! CAS. Luiz, it must be so ! DUET. CASILDA and Luiz. Luiz. There was a time A time for ever gone ah, woe is me ! It was no crime To love but thee alone ah, woe is me I One heart, one life, one soul, One aim, one goal Each in the other's thrall, Each all in all, ah, woe is me ! ENSEMBLE. Oh, bury, bury let the grave close o'er The days that were that never will be more ! Oh, bury, bury love that all condemn, And let the whirlwind mourn its requiem ! CAS. Dead as the last year's leaves As gathered flowers ah, woe is me 1 Dead as the garnered sheaves, That love of ours ah, woe is me ! Born but to fade and die When hope was high, Dead and as far away As yesterday ! ah, woe is me ! ENSKMBLE. Oh, bury, bury let the grave close o'er, &c. 15 (Re-en to from the Ducal Palace the DUKE and DUCHESS, followed by DON ALHAMBRA BOLERO, the Grand Inquisitor.} DUKE. My child, allow me to present to you His Distinction Don Alhambra Bolero, the Grand Inquisitor of Spain. It was His Distinction who so thoughtfully abstracted your infant husband and brought him to Venice. DON AL. So this is the little lady who is so unexpectedly called upon to assume the functions of Royalty ! And a very nice little lady, too ! DUKE. Jimp, isn't she ? DON AL. Distinctly jimp. Allow me (proceeds to inspect her she turns away scornfully). Naughty temper ! DUKE. You must make some allowance. Her Majesty's head is a little turned by her access of dignity. DON AL. I could have wished that Her Majesty's access of dignity had turned it in this direction. (Aside.} Prettily put ! DUCH. Unfortunately, if I am not mistaken, there appears to be seme little doubt as to His Majesty's whereabouts. CAS. A doubt as to his whereabouts? Then I may yet be saved ! DON AL. A doubt ? Oh dear no no doubt at all ! He is here, in Venice, plying the modest but picturesque calling of a gondolier. I can give you his address I see him every day ! In the entire annals of our history there is absolutely no circumstance e^ entirely free from all manner of doubt of any kind whatever ? Listen, and I'll tell you all about it. SONG. GRAND INQUISITOR. I stole the Prince, and I brought him here, And left him, gaily prattling With a highly respectable gondolier, Who promised the Royal babe to rear, And teach him the trade of a timoneer With his own beloved bratling. Both of the babes were strong and stout, And, considering all things, clever. Of that there is no manner of doubt No probable, possible shadow of doubt No possible doubt whatever. Time sped, and when at the end of a year I sought that infant cherished, That highly respectable gondolier Was lying a corpse on his humble bier 16 I dropped a Grand Inquisitor's tear That gondolier had perished. A taste for drink, combined with gout, Had doubled him up for ever. Of that there is no manner of doubt No probable, possible shadow of doubt No possible doubt whatever. But owing, I'm much disposed to fear, To his terrible taste for tippling, That highly respectable gondolier Could never declare with a mind sincere Which of the two was his offspring dear, And which the Royal stripling ! Which was which he could never make out, Despite his best endeavour. Of that there is no manner of doubt No probable, possible shadow of doubt No possible doubt whatever. The children followed his old career (This statement can't be parried) Of a highly respectable gondolier : Well, one of the two (who will soon be here) But which of the two is not quite clear Is the Royal Prince you married ! Search in and out and round about And you'll discover never A tale so free from every doubt All probable, possible shadow of doubt All possible doubt whatever ! CAS. Then do you mean to say that I am married to one of two gondoliers, but it is impossible to say which ? DON AL. Without any doubt of any kind whatever. But be re- assured : the nurse to whom your husband was entrusted is the mother of the musical young man who is such a past-master of that xielicately modulated instrument (indicating the druni). She can, no -doubt, establish the King's identity beyond all question. Luiz. Heavens, how did he know that ? DON AL. My young friend, a Grand Inquisitor is always up to date, (to CAS.) His mother is at present the wife of a highly respectable and old-established brigand, who carries on an extensive practice in the mountains around Cordova. Accompanied by two of my emissaries, he will set off at once for his mother's address. She will return with them, and if she finds any difficulty in making up her mind, the persuasive influence of the torture chamber will jog her memory. 17 RECITATIVE. CAS. But, bless my heart, consider my position ! I am the wife of one, that's very clear ; But who can tell, except by intuition, Which is the Prince, and which the Gondolier? DON AL. Submit to Fate without unseemly wrangle : Such complications frequently occur Life is one closely complicated tangle : Death is the only true unraveller ! QUINTETTE. CASILDA, DUCHESS, Luiz, DUKE, INQUISITOR. Try we life-long, we can never Straighten out life's tangled skein, Why should we, in vain endeavour, Guess and guess and guess again ? Life's a pudding full of plums, Care's a canker that benumbs. Wherefore waste our elocution On impossible solution ? Life's a pleasant institution, Let us take it as it comes ! Set aside the dull enigma, We shall guess it all too soon ; Failure brings no kind of stigma Dance we to another tune ! String the lyre and fill the cup, Lest on sorrow we should sup. Hop and skip to Fancy's fiddle, Hands across and down the middle Life's perhaps the only riddle That we shrink from giving up ! (Exeunt all except GRAND INQUISITOR into Ducal Palace.') (Enter Gondoliers and Contadine, followed by MARCO, GIANETTA, GIUSEPPE, and TESSA.) CHORUS. Bridegroom and bride ! Knot that's insoluble, Voices all voluble Hail it with pride. Bridegroom and bride ! Hail it with merriment ; It's an experiment Frequently tried. 18 Bridegroom and bride ! Bridegrooms all joyfully, Brides, rather coyfully, Stand at their side. Bridegroom and bride ! We in sincerity, Wish you prosperity, Bridegroom and bride ! SONG. TESSA. When a merry maiden marries, Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries ; Every sound becomes a song, All is right and nothing's wrong 1 From to-day and ever after Let our tears be tears of laughter. Every sigh that finds a vent Be a sigh of sweet content ! When you marry merry maiden, Then the air with love is laden ; Every flower is a rose, Every goose becomes a swan, Every kind of trouble goes Where the last year's snows have gone I Sunlight takes the place of shade When you marry merry maid ! When a merry maiden marries Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries ; Every sound becomes a song All is right, and nothing's wrong. Gnawing Care and aching Sorrow Get ye gone until to-morrow ; Jealousies in grim array, Ye are things of yesterday ! When you marry merry maiden, Then the air with joy is laden ; All the corners of the earth Ring with music sweetly played, Worry is melodious mirth, Grief is joy in masquerade ; Sullen night is laughing day All the year is merry May ! {At the end of tJie song, DON ALHAMBRA enters at back. The Gon- doliers and Contadine shrink from him, and gradually go off, much alarmed.) Giu. And now our lives are going to begin in real earnest ! What's a bachelor ? A mere nothing he's a chrysalis. He can't be said to live he exists. 19 MAR. What a delightful institution marriage is ! Why have we wasted all this time ? Why didn't we marry ten years ago ? TESS. Because you couldn't find anybody nice enough. GIA. Because you were waiting for us. MAR. I suppose that was the reason. We were waiting for you without knowing it. (DON ALHAMBRA comes forward.) Hallo ! Giu. If this gentleman is an undertaker, it is a bad omen. DON AL. Good morning. Festivities of some sort going on ? Giu. (aside) He is an undertaker ! (aloud) No a little unimportant family gathering. Nothing in your line. DON AL. Somebody's birthday, I suppose ? Giu. Yes, mine ! TESS. And mine ! GIA. And mine ! MAR. And mine ! DON AL. Curious coincidence ! And how old may you be ? TESS. It's a rude question but about ten minutes. DON AL. Surely you are jesting ? TESS. In other words, we were married about ten minutes since. DON AL. Married ! You don't mean to say you are married ? MAR. Oh yes, we are married. DON AL. What, both of you ? GIA. All four of us. DON AL. (aside). Bless my heart, how extremely awkward ! GIA. You don't mind, I suppose ? TESS. You were not thinking of either of us for yourself, I presume ? Oh, Giuseppe, look at him he was ! He's heartbroken ! DON AL. No, no I wasn't ! I wasn't ! (aside) What will the Duke say? Giu. Now, my man (slapping him on the bacK), we don't want anything in your line to-day, and if your curiosity's satisfied DON AL. You mustn't call me your man. It's a liberty. I don't think you know who I am. Giu. Not we, indeed ! We are jolly gondoliers, the sons of Baptisto Palmieri, who led the last revolution. Republicans, heart and soul, we hold all men to be equal. As we abhor oppression, we abhor kings : as we detest vain-glory, we detest rank : as we despise effeminacy, we despise wealth. We are Venetian gondoliers your equals in everything except our calling, and in that at once your masters and your servants. DON AL. Bless my heart, how unfortunate ! One of you may be Baptisto's son, for anything I know to the contrary ; but the other is no less a personage than the only son of the late King of Barataria. ALL. What ! DON AL. And I trust I trust it was that one who slapped me on the shoulder and called me his man ! Giu. One of us a king ! MAR. Not brothers ! > Together. TESS. The King of Barataria ! j GIA. Well, who'd have thought it ! J MAR. But which is it ? DON AL. What does it matter? As you are both Republicans, and hold kings in abhorrence, of course you'll abdicate at once (going). TESS. & GIA. Oh, don't do that ! (MARCO and GIUSEPPE stop him.) Giu. Well, as to that, of course there are kings and kings. When I say that I detest kings, I mean I detest bad kings. DON AL. I see. It's a delicate distinction. Giu. Quite so. Now I can conceive a kind of king an ideal king the creature of my fancy, you know who would be absolutely unobjectionable. A king, for instance, who would abolish taxes and make everything cheap, except gondolas MAR. And give a great many free entertainments to the gon- doliers Giu. And let off fireworks on the Grand Canal, and engage all the gondolas for the occasion MAR. And scramble money on the Rialto among the gondo- liers. Giu. Such a king would be a blessing to his people, and if I were a king, that is the sort of king I would be. ^ DON AL. Come, I'm glad to find your objections are not insuperable. MAR. & Giu. Oh, they're not insuperable. TESS. & GIA. No, they're not insuperable. Giu. Besides, we are open to conviction. Our views may have been hastily formed on insufficient grounds. They may be crude, ill-digested, erroneous. I've a very poor opinion of the politician who is not open to conviction. TESS. (to GIA.). Oh, he's a fine fellow ! GIA. Yes, that's the sort of politician for my money ! DON. AL. Then we'll consider it settled. Now, as the country is in a state of insurrection, it is absolutely necessary that you should assume the reins of Government at once ; and, until it is ascertained which of you is to be king, I have arranged that you will reign jointly, so that no question can arise hereafter as to the validity of any of your acts. 21 MAR. As one individual ? DON AL. As one individual. Giu. (linking himself with MARCO). Like this? DON AL. Something like that. MAR. And we may take our friends with us, and give them places about the Court ? DON AL. Undoubtedly. MAR. I'm convinced ! Giu. So am I ! TESS. Then the sooner we're off the better. GIA. We'll just run home and pack up a few things (going) DON AL. Stop, stop that won't do at all we can't have any ladies. (Aside) What will Her Majesty say ! ALL. What ! DON AL. Not at present. Afterwards, perhaps. We'll see. Giu. Why, you don't mean to say you are going to separate us from our wives ! DON AL. (aside). This is very awkward ! (aloud) Only for a time a few months. After all, what is a few months ? TESS. But we've only been married half an hour ! (weeps.) SONG. GlANETTA. Kind sir, you cannot have the heart Our lives to part From those to whom an hour ago We were united ! Before our flowing hopes you stem, Ah, look at them, And pause before you deal this blow, All uninvited I You men can never understand, That heart and hand Cannot be separated when We go a-yearning; You see, you've only women's eyes To idolize, And only women's hearts, poor men, To set you burning ! Ah me, you men will never understand That woman's heart is one with woman's hand ! Some kind of charm you seem to find In womankind Some source of unexplained delight (Unless you're jesting), 22 But what attracts you, I confess, I cannot guess, To me a woman's face is quite Uninteresting ! If from my sister I were torn, It could be borne I should, no doubt, be horrified, But I could bear it ; But Marco's quite another thing He is my King, He has my heart and none beside Shall ever share it ! Ah me, you men will never understand That woman's heart is one with woman's hand ! FINALE. RECIT. GRAND INQUISITOR. Do not give way to this uncalled-for grief, Your separation will be very brief. To ascertain which is the King And which the other, To Barataria's Court I'll bring His foster-mother ; Her former nurseling to declare She'll be delighted. That settled, let each happy pair Be reunited. MAR., Giu., TESS., GIA. Viva ! His argument is strong ! Viva ! We'll not be parted long ! Viva ! It will be settled soon ! Viva ! Then comes our honeymoon ! [Exit DON ALHAMBRA QUARTETTE. TESSA, GIANETTE, MARCO, GIUSEPPE. GIA. Then one of us will be a Queen, And sit on a golden throne, With a crown instead Of a hat on her head, And diamonds all her own ! With a beautiful robe of gold and green, I've always understood ; I wonder whether She'd wear a feather ? I rather think she should ! ALL. Oh 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, To be a regular Royal Queen ! No half-and-half affair, I mean, But a right-down regular Royal Queen ! 23 MAR. She'll drive about in a carriage and pair, With the King on her left-hand side, And a milkwhite horse, As a matter of course, Whenever she wants to ride ! With beautiful silver shoes to wear Upon her dainty feet ; With endless stocks Of beautiful frocks And as much as she wants to eat ! ALL. Oh 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, &c. TKSS. Whenever she condescends to walk, Be sure she'll shine at that, With her haughty stare, And her nose in the air, Like a well-born aristocrat ! At elegant high society talk She'll bear away the bell, With her "Howdedo?" And her " How are you ? " And her " Hope I see you well ! " ALL, Oh ! 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, &c. Gru. And noble lords will scrape and bow, And double them into two, And open their eyes In blank surprise At whatever she likes to do. And everybody will roundly vow She's fair as flowers in May, And say, " How clever ! " At whatsoever She condescends to say ! Oh ! 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, To be a regular Royal Queen No half-and-half affair, I mean, But a right-down regular Queen ! (Enter chorus of Gondoliers and Contadine.) CHORUS. Now, pray, what is the cause of this remarkable hilarity ? This sudden ebullition of unmitigated jollity ? Has anybody blessed you with a sample of his charity Or have you been adopted by a gentleman of quality ? MAR. and Giu. CHORUS. 24 Replying, we sing As one individual, As I find I'm a king To my kingdom I bid you all. I'm aware you object To pavilions and palaces, But you'll find I respect Your Republican fallacies. As they know we object To pavilions and palaces, How can they respect Our Republican fallacies ? MARCO and GIUSEPPE. For every one who feels inclined, Some post we undertake to find Congenial with his peace of mind And all shall equal be. The Chancellor in his peruke The Earl, the Marquis, and the Book, The Groom, the Butler, and the Cook They all shall equal be. The Aristocrat who banks with Coutts, The Aristocrat who hunts and shoots, The Aristocrat who cleans our boots They all shall equal be ! The Noble Lord who rules the State The Noble Lord who cleans the plate The Noble Lord who scrubs the grate They all shall equal be ! The Lord High Bishop orthodox The Lord High Coachman on the box The Lord High Vagabond in the stocks They all shall equal be ! Sing high, sing low, Wherever they go, They all shall equal be I CHORUS. Sing high, sing low, Wherever they go, They all shall equal be ! 25 The Earl, the Marquis, and the Dook, The Groom, the Butler, and the Cook, The Aristocrat who banks with Coutts, The Aristocrat who cleans the boots, The Noble Lord who rules the State, The Noble Lord who scrubs the grate, The Lord High Bishop orthodox, The Lord High Vagabond in the stocks Sing high, sing low, Wherever they go, They all shall equal be ! Then hail ! O King, Whichever you may be, To you we sing, But do not bend the knee. It may be thou Likewise it may be thee So hail ! O King, Whichever you may be ! MARCO and GIUSEPPE (together), Then let's away our island crown awaits me Conflicting feelings rend my soul apart ! The thought of Royal dignity elates me, But leaving thee behind me breaks my heart ! (Addressing TESSA TESSA and GiANETfA (together). Farewell, my love ; on board you must be getting ; But while upon the sea you gaily roam, Remember that a heart for thee is fretting The tender little heart you've left at home ! GIA. Now, Marco dear, My wishes hear : While you're away It's understood You will be good, And not too gay. To every trace Of maiden grace You will be blind, And will not glance By any chance On womankind ! 26 It you are wise, You'll shut your eyes 'Till we arrive, And not address A lady less Than forty-five. You'll please to frown On every gown That you may see ; And, O my pet. You won't forget You've married me ! O my darling, O my pet, Whatever else you may forget, In yonder isle beyond the sea, O don't forget you've married me I TESS. You'll lay your head Upon your bed At set of sun. You will not sing Of anything To any one. You'll sit and mope All day, I hope And shed a tear Upon the life Your little wife Is passing here. And if so be You think of me, Please tell the moon : I'll read it all In rays that fall On the lagoon : You'll be so kind As tell the wind How you may be, And send me words By little birds To comfort me ! And O my darling, O my pet, Whatever else you may forget, In yonder isle beyond the sea, O don't forget you've married me ! CHORUS (during which a " Xebeque " is hauled alongside tht quay). Then away we go to an island fair That lies in a Southern sea : We know not where, and we don't much care, Wherever that isle may be. 27 THE MEN (hauling on boat). One, two, three, Haul! One, two, three, Haul ! One, two, three, Haul! With a will ! ALL. Then away we go, etc SOLO. MARCO. Away 'we go To a balmy isle, Where the roses blow All the winter while. ALL. Then pull, yeo ho ! and again yeo ho ! (hoisting sail.) And again yeo ho ! with a will ! When the breezes are a-blowing, Then our ship will be a-going, When they don't we shall all stand still ! And away we go to the island fair, That lies in a southern sea, We \ ( we ) n,u h know not where, and \ ., [ don't much care 1 hey j ( they j Wherever that isle may be ! (The men embark on the " Xebeque." MARCO and GIUSEPPE embrac- ing GIANETTA and TESSA. The girls wave a farewell to the men as the curtain falls.) END OF ACT L ACT II. SCENE. Pavilion in the Court of Bar ataria. MARCO and GIUSEPPE, magnificently dressed, are seated on two thrones, occupied in cleaning the crown and the sceptre. The gondoliers are discovered dressed, some as courtiers, officers of rank, &<;., and others as private soldiers and servants of various degress. All are enjoying themselves without reference to social distinctions some playing cards, others throwing dice, some reading, others playing cup and ball, " morra" &c. CHORUS. Of happiness the very pith In Barataria you may see : A monarchy that's tempered with Republican Equality. This form of government we find The beau ideal of its kind A despotism strict, combined With absolute equality ! MARCO and GIUSEPPE. Two kings, of undue pride bereft, Who act in perfect unity, Whom you can order right and left With absolute impunity. Who put their subjects at their ease By doing all they can to please ! And thus, to earn their bread-and -cheese, Seize every opportunity. MAR. Gentlemen, we are much obliged to you for your expressions of satisfaction and good-feeling. We are delighted, at any time, to fall in with sentiments so charmingly expressed. Giu. At the same time there is just one little grievance that we should like to ventilate. ALL (angrily). What! Giu. Don't be alarmed it's not serious. It is arranged that, until it is decided which of us two is the actual King, we are to act as one person. GIORGIO. Exactly. Giu. Now, alt-hough we act as one person, we are, in point of fact, two persons. ANNIBALE. Ah, I don't think we can go into that. It is a legal fiction, and legal fictions are solemn things. Situated as we are, we Embrace. GIA. Marco ! MAR. Gianetta ! TESSA and GIANETTA. (Alternate lines.) After sailing to this island Tossing in a manner frightful, We are all once more on dry land And we find the change delightful As at home we've been remaining We've not seen you both for ages, Tell me, are you fond of reigning ? How's the food, and what's the wages ? Does your new employment please ye ? How does Royalizing strike you ? Is it difficult or easy ? Do you think your subjects like you ? I am anxious to elicit, Is it plain and easy steering ? Take it altogether, is it Better fun than gondoliering ? CHORUS. We shall all go on requesting, Till you tell us, never doubt it, Everything is interesting, Tell us, tell us all about it ! Is the populace exacting ? Do they keep you at a distance All unaided are you acting, Or do they provide assistance ? When you're busy, have you got to Get up early in the morning? If you do what you ought not to, Do they give the usual warning ? With a horse do they equip you ? Lots of trumpeting and drumming ? 33 Do the Royal tradesmen tip you? Ain't the livery becoming ! Does your human being inner Feed on everything that nice is ? Do they give you wine for dinner ? Peaches, sugar-plums, and ices ? CHORUS. We shall all go on requesting Till you tell us, never doubt it ; Everything is interesting, Tell us, tell us all about it ! MAR. This is indeed a most delightful surprise ! TESS. Yes, we thought you'd like it. You see, it was like this : After you left we felt very dull and mopey, and the days crawled by, and you never wrote ; so at last I said to Gianetta, " I can't stand this any longer ; those two poor Monarchs haven't got any one to mend their stockings or sew on their buttons or patch their clothes at least, I hope they haven't let us all pack up a change and go and see how they're getting on." And she said " done," and they all said " done ;" and we asked old Giacopo to lend us his boat, and he said "done ;" and we've crossed the sea, and, thank goodness, thafs done ; and here we are, and and Pve done ! GIA. And now which of you is King ? TESS. And which of us is Queen ? Giu. That we sha'n't know until Nurse turns up. But never mind that the question is, how shall we celebrate the commence- ment of our honeymoon ? Gentlemen, will you allow us to offer you a magnificent banquet ? ALL. We will ! Giu. Thanks very much ; and what do you say to a dance ? TESS. A banquet and a dance ! Oil, it's too much happiness ! CHORUS. . We will dance a cachucha, fandango, bolero, Old Xeres we'll drink Manzamlla, Montero For wine, when it runs in abundance, enhances The reckless delight of that wildest of dances ! To the pretty pitter-pitter-patter, And the clitter-clitter-clitter-clatter Glitter clitter clatter, Fitter pitter patter We will dance a cachucha, fandango, bolero ; Old Xeres we'll drink Manzanilla, Montero ; For wine, when it runs in abundance, enhances The reckless delight of that wildest of dances ! 34 CACHUCHA. The dance is interrupted by the unexpected appearance of DON ALHAMBRA, who looks on with astonishment. MARCO and GIUSEPPE appear embarrassed. The others run off. DON AL. Good evening. Fancy ball ? Giu. No, not exactly. A little friendly dance. That's all DON AL. But I saw a groom dancing, and a footman ! Giu. Yes. That's the Lord High Footman. DON. AL. And, dear me, a common little drummer boy ! MAR. Oh no ! That's the Lord High Drummer Boy. DON AL. But surely, surely the servant's-hall is the place for these gentry ? Giu. Oh dear no! We have appropriated the servant's-hall. It's the Royal Apartment, and we permit no intruders. MAR. We really must have some place that we can call our own. DON AL. (puzzled). I'm afraid I'm not quite equal to the intel- lectual pressure of the conversation. Giu. You see, the Monarchy has been re-modelled on Republican principles. All departments rank equally, and everybody is at the head of his department DON AL. I see. MAR. I'm afraid you're annoyed. DON AL. No. I won't say that. It's not quite what I expected. Giu. I'm awfully sorry. MAR. So am I. Giu. By-the-bye, can I offer you anything after your voyage ? A plate of maccaroni and a rusk ? DON AL. (pre-occupied) No, no nothing nothing. Giu. Obliged to be careful ? DON AL. Yes gout. You see, in every Court there are distinc- tions that must be observed. Giu. (puzzled). There are, are there ? DON AL. Why, of course. For instance, you wouldn't have a Lord High Chancellor play leapfrog with his own cook. Giu. Why not ? DON AL. Because a Lord High Chancellor is a personage of great dignity, who should never, under any circumstances, place him- self in the position of being told to tuck in his tuppenny, except by noblemen of his own rank. Giu. Oh, I take you. DON AL. For instance, a Lord High Archbishop might tell a Lord High Chancellor to tuck in his tuppenny, but certainly not a cook. Giu. Not even a Lord High Cook ? DON AL. My good friend, that is a rank that is not recognized at the Lord Chamberlain's office. No, no, it won't do. I'll give you an instance in which the experiment was tried. 35 SONG. DON ALHAMBRA. There lived a King, as I've been told, In the wonder-working days of old, When hearts were twice as good as gold, And twenty times as mellow. Good-temper triumphed in his face, And in his heart he found a place For all the erring human race And every wretched fellow. When he had Rhenish wine to drink It made him very sad to think That some, at junket or at jink, Must be content with toddy. He wished all men as rich as he (And he was rich as rich could be), So to the top of every tree Promoted everybody. MAR. & Giu. Now, that's the kind of King for me He wished all men as rich as he, So to the top of every tree Promoted everybody ! Lord Chancellors were cheap as sprats, And Bishops in their shovel hats Were plentiful as tabby cats In point of fact, too many. Ambassadors cropped up like hay, Prime Ministers and such as they Grew like asparagus in May, And Dukes were three a penny. On every side Field Marshals gleamed, Small beer were Lords Lieutenant deemed With Admirals the ocean teemed All round his wide dominions. And Party Leaders you might meet In twos and threes in every street Maintaining, with no little heat, Their various opinions. MAR. & Giu. Now that's a sight you couldn't beat Two Party Leaders in each street Maintaining, with no little heat, Their various opinions ! That King, although no one denies His heart was of abnormal size, Yet he'd have acted otherwise If he had been acuter. The end is easily foretold, When every blessed thing you hold Is made of silver, or of gold, You long for simple pewter. 36 When you have nothing else to wear But cloth of gold and satins rare, For cloth of gold you cease to care- Up goes the price of shoddy. In short, whoever you may be, To this conclusion you'll agree, When everyone is somebodee, Then no one's anybody ! MAR. & Giu. Now that's as plain as plain can be, To this conclusion we agree When every one is somebodee, Then no one's anybody ! (TESSA and GIANETTA enter unobserved. The two girls, impelled by curiosity -, remain listening at the back of the stage.) DON. AL. And now I have some important news to communicate. His Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Her Grace the Duchess, and their beautiful daughter Casilda I say their beautiful daughter Casilda have arrived at Barataria, and may be here at any moment. MAR. The Duke and Duchess are nothing to us. DON AL. But the daughter the beautiful daughter ! Aha ! Oh, you're a lucky fellow, one of you ! Giu. I think you're a very incomprehensible old gentleman. DON AL. Not a bit I'll explain. Many years ago when you (whichever you are) were a baby, you (whichever you are) were married to a little girl who has grown up to be the most beautiful young lady in Spain. That beautiful young lady will be here to claim you (whichever you are) in half an hour, and I congratulate that one (whichever it is) with all my heart MAR. Married when a baby ! TESS. & GIA. (aside). Oh ! Giu. But we were married three months ago ! DON AL. One of you only one. The other (whichever it is) ig an unintentional bigamist. MAR. & Giu. (bewildered). Oh dear me ! TESS. & GIA. (coming forward). Well, upon my word ! DON AL. Eh ? Who are these young people ? TESS. Who are we ? Why their wives, of course. We've just arrived. DON AL. Their wives ! Oh dear, this is very unfortunate. Oh dear, this complicates matters ! Dear, dear, what will the Duke say ? GIA. And do you mean to say that one of these Monarchs was already married ? TESS. And that neither of us will be a Queen ? DON AL. That is the idea I intended to convey. (TESSA and GIANETTA begin to cry.) Giu. (to TESSA). Tessa, my dear, dear child TESS. Get away ! perhaps it's you ! 37 MAR. (to GIA.). My poor, poor little woman ! GIA. Don't ! Who knows whose husband you are ? TESS. And pray, why didn't you tell us all about it before they left Venice ? DON AL. Because if I had, no earthly temptation would have induced these gentlemen to leave two such extremely fascinating and utterly irresistible little ladies ! (Aside) Neatly put ! TESS. There's something in that. DON AL. I may mention that you will not be kept long in suspense, as the old lady who nursed the Royal child is at present in the Torture Chamber, waiting for me to interview her. Giu. Poor old girl. Hadn't you better go and put her out of her suspense ? DON AL. Oh no there's no hurry she's all right. She has all the illustrated papers. However, I'll go and interrogate her, and, in the meantime, may I suggest the absolute propriety of your regarding yourselves as single young ladies [Exit DON ALHAMBRA. TESS. Well, here's a pleasant state of things ! MAR. Delightful. One of Us is married to two young ladies, and nobody knows which ; and the other is married to one young lady whom nobody can identify ! GIA. And one of us is married to one of you, and the other is married to nobody. TESS. But which of you is married to which of us, and what's to become of the other ? (about to cry.} Giu. It's quite simple. Two husbands have managed to acquire three wives. Three wives two husbands (reckoning up}. That's two-thirds of a husband to each wife. TESS. O Mount Vesuvius, here we are in arithmetic ! My good sir, one can't marry a vulgar fraction ! Giu. You've no right to call me a vulgar fraction. MAR. We are getting rather mixed. The situation is entangled. Let's try and comb it out. QUARTETTE. MARCO, GIUSEPPE, TESSA, GIANETTA. In a contemplative fashion, And a tranquil frame of mind, Free from every kind of passion, Some solution let us find. Let us grasp the situation, Solve the complicated plot- Quiet, calm deliberation Disentangles every knot. 58 TESS. I, no doubt, Giuseppe wedded THE OTHERS. In a con- That's, of course, a slice of luck, [templative-fashion, &c. He is rather dunder-headed, Still distinctly he's a duck. GIA. I, a victim too of Cupid, THE OTHERS. Let us grasp Marco married that is clear. [the situation, &c. He's particularly stupid, Still distinctly, he's a dear. MAR. To Gianetta I was mated ; THE OTHERS. In a con- I can prove it in a trice : [templative fashion, &c. Though her charms are overrated Still I own she's rather nice. Giu. I to Tessa, willy-nilly, THE OTHERS. Let us grasp All at once a victim fell. [the situation, &c. She is what is called a silly, Still she answers pretty well. MAR. Now when we were pretty babies Some one married us, that is clear GIA. And if I can catch her I'll pinch her and scratch her, And sent her away with a flea in her ear. GiU. He, whom that young lady married, To receive her can't refuse. TESS. If I overtake her I'll warrant I'll make her To shake in her aristocratical shoes ! GIA. (to TESS.) If she married your Giuseppe You and he will have to part TESS. (to GIA.) If I have to do it I'll warrant she'll rue it I'll teach her to marry the man of my heart ! TESS. (to GIA.) If she married Messer Marco You're a spinster, that is plain GIA. (to TESS.) No matter no matter If I can get at her I doubt if her mother will know her again ! ALL Quiet, calm deliberation Disentangles every knot ! [Exeunt, pondering. MARCH. Enter procession of Retainers, heralding approach of DUKE, DUCHESS, and CASILDA. All three are now dressed with the utmost magnificence. CHORUS. With ducal pomp and ducal pride (Announce these comers, O ye kettle-drummers !) Comes Barataria's high-born bride. (Ye sounding cymbals clang !) 39 She comes to claim the Royal hand (Proclaim their Graces, O ye double basses !) Of the King who rules this goodly land. (Ye brazen brasses bang !) DUKE. This polite attention touches Heart of Duke and heart of Duchess, DUCH. Who resign their pet With profound regret. DUKE. She of beauty was a model When a tiny tiddle-toddle, DUCH. And at twenty-one She's excelled by none ! ALL. With ducal pomp and ducal pride, &c. DUKE (to his attendants}. Be good enough to inform His Majesty that His Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Limited, has arrived, and begs CAS. Desires DUCH. Demands DUKE. And demands an audience. (Exeunt attendants,} And now, my child, prepare to receive the husband to whom you were united under such interesting and romantic circumstances. CAS. But which is it ? There are two of them ! DUKE. It is true that at present His Majesty is a double gentle- man ; but as soon as the circumstances of his marriage are ascertained, he will, ipso facto, boil down to a single gentleman thus presenting a unique .example of an individual who becomes a single man and a married man by the same operation. DUCH. (severely), I have known instances in which the charac- teristics of both conditions existed concurrently in the same individual. DUKE. Ah, he couldn't have been a Plaza-Toro. CAS. Well, whatever happens, I shall of course be a dutiful wife, but I can never love my husband. DUKE. I don't know. It's extraordinary what unprepossessing people one can love if one gives one's mind to it DUCH. I loved your father. DUKE. My love that remark is a little hard, I think ? Rather cruel, perhaps ? Somewhat uncalled for, I venture to believe ? DUCH. It was very difficult, my dear; but I said to myself, " That man is a Duke, and I w ill love him." Several of my relations bet me I couldn't, but I did desperately 1 SONG. DUCHESS. On the day when I was wedded To your admirable sire, I acknowledge that I dreaded An explosion of his ire. I was overcome with panic For his temper was volcanic, And I didn't dare revolt, For I feared a thunderbolt ! I was always very wary, For his fury was ecstatic His refined vocabulary Most unpleasantly emphatic. To the thunder Of this Tartar I knocked under Like a martyr ; When intently He was fuming, I was gently Unassuming When reviling Me completely, I was smiling Very sweetly : Giving him the very best, and getting back the very worst- That is how I tried to lame your great progenitor at first I But I found that a reliance On my threatening appearance, And a resolute defiance Of marital interference, And a gentle intimation Of my firm determination To see what I could do To be wife and husband too, Was all that was required For to make his temper supple, And you couldn't have desired A more reciprocating couple. Ever willing To be wooing, We were billing We were cooing ; When I merely From him parted We were nearly Broken-hearted 41 When in sequel Reunited, We were equal- Ly delighted : So with double-shotted guns and colours nailed unto the mast, I tamed your insignificant progenitor at last ! CAS. My only hope is that when my husband sees what a shady family he has married into he will repudiate the contract altogether. DUKE. Shady ? A nobleman shady, who is blazing in the lustre of unaccustomed pocket-money ? A nobleman shady, who can look back upon ninety-five quarterings ? It is not every nobleman who is ninety-five quarters in arrear I mean, who can look back upon ninety-five of them ! And this, just as I have been floated at a premium ! Oh fie ! DUCH. Your Majesty is surely unaware that directly your Majesty's father came before the public he was applied for over and over again. DUKE. My dear, her Majesty's father was in the habit of being applied for over and over again and very urgently applied for, too long before he was registered under the Limited Liability Act RECITATIVE. DUKE. To help unhappy commoners, and add to their enjoyment, Affords a man of noble rank congenial employment ; Of our attempts we offer you examples illustrative : The work is light, and, I may add, it's most remunerative ! DUET. DUKE and DUCHESS. DUKE. Small titles and orders For Mayors and Recorders I get and they're highly delighted DUCH. They're highly delighted ! DUKE. M.P.'s baronetted, Sham Colonels gazetted, And second-rate Aldermen knighted DUCH. Yes, Aldermen knighted. DUKE. Foundation-stone laying I find very paying : It adds a large sum to my makings DUCH. Large sum to his makings. DUKE. At charity dinners The best of speech-spinners, I get ten per cent, on the takings DUCH. One-tenth of the takings. I present any lady Whose conduct is shady Or smacking of doubtful propriety DUKE. Doubtful propriety. DUCH. When Virtue would quash her, I take and whitewash her, And launch her in first-rate society DUKE. First-rate society ! DUCH. I recommend acres Of clumsy dressmakers Their fit and their finishing touches DUKE. Their finishing touches. DUCH. A sum in addition They pay for permission To say that they make for the Duchess DUKE. They make for the Duchess ! DUKE. Those pressing prevailers, The ready-made tailors, Quote me as their great double-barrel DUCH. Their great double- barrel. DUKE. I allow them to do so, Though Robinson Crusoe Would jib at their wearing apparel I DUCH. Such wearing apparel ! DUKE. I sit, by selection, Upon the direction Of several Companies bubble DUCH. All Companies bubble ! DUKE. As soon as they're floated I'm freely bank-noted I'm pretty well paid for my trouble ! DUCH. He's paid for his trouble ! DUCH. At middle-class party I play at ecarte And I'm by no means a beginner DUKE (significantly}. She's not a beginner. DUCH. To one of my station The remuneration Five guineas a-night and my dinner DUKE. And wine with her dinner. DUCH. I write letters blatant On medicines patent And use any other you mustn't DUKE. Believe me, you mustn't DUCH. And vow my complexion Derives its perfection From somebody's soap which it doesn't- DUKE (significantly). It certainly doesn't ! DUKE. We're ready as witness To any one's fitness To fill any place or preferment DUCH. A place or preferment. DUCH. We're often in waiting At junket or feting, And sometimes attend an interment DUKE. We like an interment. BOTH. In short, if you'd kindle The spark of a swindle, Lure simpletons into your clutches Yes ; into your clutches. Or hoodwink a debtor You cannot do better DUCH. Than trot out a Duke or a Duchesi DUKE. A Duke or a Duchess ! (Enter MARCO and GIUSEPPE.) DUKE. Ah ! their Majesties. (Bows with great ceremony?) MAR. The Duke of Plaza-Toro, I believe ? DUKE. The same. (MARCO and GIUSEPPE offer to shake hands with him. The DUKE bows ceremoniously. They endeavour to imitate him.} Allow me to present Giu. The young lady one of us married ? (MARCO and GIUSEPPE offer to shake hands with her. CASILDA curtsies formally . They endeavour to imitate her.} CAS. Gentlemen, I am the most obedient servant of one of you, (aside} Oh, Luiz ! DUKE. I am now about to address myself to the gentleman whom my daughter married ; the other may allow his attention to wander if he likes, for what I am about to say does not concern him. Sir, you will find in this young lady a combination of excellences which you would search for in vain in any young lady who had not the good fortune to be my daughter. There is some little doubt as to which of you is the gentleman I am addressing, and which is the gentleman who is allowing his attention to wander ; but when that doubt is solved, I shall say (still addressing the attentive gentleman), " Take her, and may she make you happier than her mother has made me." DUCH. Sir ! DUKE. If possible. And now there is a little matter to which I think I am entitled to take exception. I come here in State with Her Grace the Duchess and Her Majesty, my daughter, and what do I find ? Do I find, for instance, a guard of honour to receive me ? No. The town illuminated ? No. Refreshment provided ? No. A Royal salute fired ? No. Triumphal arches erected ? No. The bells set ringing ? Yes one the Visitors', and I rang it my- self. It is not enough. Giu. Upon my honour, I'm very sorry - } but, you see, I was brought up in a gondola, and my ideas of politeness are confined to taking off my hat to my passengers when they tip me. DIXH. That's all very well, but it is not enough. 44 Giu. I'll take off anything else in reason. DUKE. But a Royal Salute to my daughter it costs so little. CAS. Papa, I don't want a Salute. Giu. My dear sir, as soon as we know which of us is entitled to take that liberty she shall have as many salutes as she likes. MAR. As for guards of honour and triumphal arches, you don't know our people they wouldn't stand it. Giu. They are very off-hand with us very off-hand indeed. DUKE. Oh, but you mustn't allow that you must keep them in proper discipline, you must impress your Court with your importance. You want deportment carriage manner dignity. There must be a good deal of this sort of thing (business] and a little of this sort of thing (business] and possibly just a soupcon of this sort of thing ! (business] and so on. Oh, it's very useful, and most effective. Just attend to me. You are a King I am a subject. Very good QUINTETTE. DUKE, DUCHESS, CASILDA, MARCO, GIUSEPPE. DUKE. I am a courtier grave and serious Who is about to kiss your hand : Try to combine a pose imperious With a demeanour nobly bland. MAR. & GiU. Let us combine a pose imperious With a demeanour nobly bland. (MARCO and GIUSEPPE endeavour to carry out his instructions.) DUKE. That's, if anything, too unbending Too aggressively stiff and grand ; (They suddenly modify their attitudes.) Now to the other extreme you're tending Don't be so deucedly condescending ! DUCH. & CAS. Now to the other extreme you're tending Don't be so dreadfully condescending ! MAR. & Giu. Oh, hard to please some noblemen seem ! At first, if anything, too unbending; Off we go to the other extreme Too confoundedly condescending ! DUKE. Now a gavotte perform sedately Offer your hand with conscious pride ; Take an attitude not too stately, Still sufficiently dignified. MAR. & Giu. Now for an attitude not too stately, Still sufficiently dignified. ( Tfiey endeavour to carry out his instructions!) 45 DUKE (beating time.) Oncely, twicely oncely, twicely Bow impressively ere you glide. (They do so. Capital both you've caught it nicely ! That is the sort of thing precisely ! DUCH. & CAS. Capital both they've caught it nicely ! That is the sort of thing precisely ! A.) MAR. & Giu. Oh, sweet to earn a nobleman's praise ! Capital both we've caught it nicely ! Supposing he's right in what he says, This is the sort of thing precisely ! (GAVOTTE. At the end exeunt DUKE and DUCHESS, leaving CASILDA with MARCO and GIUSEPPE.) Giu. (to MARCO). The old birds have gone away and left the young chickens together. That's called tact. MAR. It's very awkward. We really ought to tell her how we are situated. It's not fair to the girl. Giu. Undoubtedly, but I don't know how to begin. (To CAS- ILDA) A Madam CAS. Gentlemen, I am bound to listen to you ; but it is right to tell you that, not knowing I was married in infancy, I am over head and ears in love with somebody else. Giu. Our case exactly ! We are over head and ears in love with somebody else ! (Enter TESSA and GIANETTA.) In point of fact, with our wives ! CAS. Your wives ! Then you are married ? TESS. It's not our fault, you know. We knew nothing about it. We are sisters in misfortune. CAS. My good girls, I don't blame you. Only before we go any further we must really arrive at some satisfactory arrangement, or we shall get hopelessly complicated. QUINTETTE. MARCO, GIUSEPPE, TESSA, GIANETTA, CASILDA. ALL. Here is a fix unprecedented ! Here are a King and Queen ill-starred ! Ever since marriage was first invented Never was known a case so hard ! MAR. & Giu. I may be said to have been bisected, By a profound catastrophe ! GIA., TESS., CAS. Through a calamity unexpected I am divisible into three ! 46 O moralists all, How can you call Marriage a state of unitee, When excellent husbands are bisected, And wives divisible into three ? (Enter DON ALHAMBRA, followed by DUKE, DUCHESS, and ail th* Chorus.} FINALE. RECIT. DON ALHAMBRA. Now let the loyal lieges gather round The Prince's foster-mother has been found ! She will declare, to silver clarion's sound, The rightful King let him forthwith be crowned ! CHO. She will declare, &c. (DON ALHAMBRA brings forward INEZ, the Princes foster-mother.) TESS. Speak, woman speak DUKE. We're all attention ! GIA. The news we seek CAS. This moment mention. DUCH. To us they bring DON AL. His foster-mother. MAR. Is he the King? GiU. Or this my brother? ALL. Speak, woman, speak, &c. RECIT. INEZ. The Royal Prince was by the King entrusted To my fond care, ere I grew old and crusted ; When traitors came to steal his son reputed, My own small boy I deftly substituted ! The villains fell into the trap completely I hid the Prince away still sleeping sweetly ; I called him " son " with pardonable slyness His name, Luiz ! Behold his Royal Highness ! (Sensation. Luiz ascends the throne, crowned and robed as King. CAS. (rushing to his arms}. Luiz ! Luiz. Casilda! (Embrace.) ALL. Is this indeed the King, Oh, wondrous revelation ! Oh, unexpected thing ! Unlooked-for situation ! (They kneel.) MARCO, GIANETTA, GIUSEPPE, TESSA. This statement we receive With sentiments conflicting ; Our thoughts rejoice and grieve, Each other contradicting ; To those whom we adore We can be reunited On one point rather sore, But, on the whole, delighted I CASILDA, Luiz, DUKE, and DUCHESS. Luiz. When others claimed thy dainty hand, I waited waited waited waited, DUKE. As prudence (so I understand) Dictated tated tated tated. CAR. DUCH. ALL. By virtue of our early vow Recorded corded corded corded, Your pure and patient love is now Rewarded warded warded warded. Then hail, O King of a Golden Land, And the high-born bride who claims his hand- The past is dead, and you gain your own, A royal crown and a golden throne 1 MARCO and GIUSEPPE. Once more gondolitri t Both skilful and wary, Free from this quandary Contented are we. From Royalty flying, Our gondolas plying And merrily crying Our "preme" "sfati/" So good-bye Cachucha, fandango, bolero We"ll dance a farewell to that measure Old Xeres, adieu Manzanilla Montero We leave you with feelings of pleasure I CURTAIN. ALL. Henderson & Spalding, Printers, S & 5, Marylebone Lane, London, W. RUDDIGORE; OR. THE WITCH'S CURSE. An entirely Original Supernatural Opera. WORDS BY MUSIC BY W. 8. GILBERT. ARTHUR SULLIVAN. S. D. VOCAL SCORE . nett 5 o Do. bound .,. nett 7 6 PIANOFORTE SOLO (arranged by LOWELL TRACY) nett 3 o LIBRETTO ~ ~ ~. nett i o VOCAL MUSIO. 41 If somebody there chanced to be " ... *. 4 o 11 The bold British Tar " ^ 4 o " If you wish in the world to advance " M 4 o " To a garden full of posies " 4 o " The pretty little Flower and the great Oak Tree " ... 4 o PIANOFORTE ARRANGEMENTS. WINTERBOTTOM'S Selection, as played by all the Military Bands. Solo ... 4 o KUHE'S Fantasia 4 o BOYTON SMITH'S Fantasia 4 o SMALLWOOD'S Fantasia 4 o DANCE MUSIC BY BUCALOSSI. QUADRILLE. Solo or Duet _ ~ . ... ... 4 o WALTZ. Solo or Duet ... ,~ _ _ ~. ~. 4 o LANCERS. do. ___-._... 4 o POLKA _ _ 4 o VIOLIN AND PIANOFORTE. HENRY FARMER'S Fantasia ... ~ '5 o WINTERBOTTOM'S Selection from Ruddigore, arranged for Orchestra by Hamilton Clarke. Orchestra ~ ~. ... 3 4 Octuor . . ~ . ^.28 For Military Band ... -. ... 15 o LONDON: CHAPPELL & CO., 50, NEW BOND STREET, W, City Branch 15, POULTRY, E.G. 000107330 3