IN MEMORY OF 
 WILLIAM C. HABBERLEY 
 
.rw 
 
 

 
 JONES CHARGES THE ENEMY FrRIOUSI.Y 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 BY 
 
 1IAYDEN CARKUTII 
 
 Lcholdinij the bright countenance of Truth in the quiet 
 and still air of delightful stiidies. MILTON 
 
 ILLUSTRATED 
 
 NEW YORK 
 
 HARPER & BROTHERS PUBLISHERS 
 1895 
 
6 
 
 GIB 
 
 Copyright. 1895, by HARPER & BROTHERS. 
 
 All rights retirrrrl. 
 
AT 
 
 TO 
 
 THE PRINCE, THE JUDGE 
 
 AND 
 
 THE CHERUB 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 CHAP. PAGE 
 
 I. THE GLOBULAR CYCLONE-HOUSE ... 1 
 
 II. THE CAT-MOTOR 7 
 
 III. INTERESTING MEETING WITH A PANTHER 13 
 
 IV. THE RISE AND FALL OF JONES CITY . . 20 
 V. RAPID RIDING AT GETTYSBURG .... 26 
 
 VI. HOG-RAISING IN THE BLACK BELT ... 32 
 
 VII. THE PARALYZER AND CONSERVATOR . . 37 
 
 VIII. TERRIBLE ENCOUNTER WITH WOLVES . 42 
 
 IX. THE WILD-CAT FRIGHTENER 48 
 
 X. ACTIVE COLORADO REAL ESTATE ... 54 
 
 XI. FARMING IN VERMONT 60 
 
 XII. RAPID RISE OF A DUCK GROWER . . .64 
 
 XIII. THE KING OF ROARING CREEK .... 72 
 
 XIV. THE FRESH BEAR CO 77 
 
 XV. UNIQUE EXPERIENCE ON LAKE SUPERIOR 83 
 
 XVI. TEN WEEKS IN AFRICA 90 
 
 XVII. AT PORT HUDSON 97 
 
 XVIII. THE LEVIATHAN TRANSPORTATION LINE. 103 
 
 XIX. TIGERS 110 
 
 XX. IN HIGH LATITUDES . 115 
 
ILLUSTKATIONS 
 
 JONES CHARGES THE ENEMY FURIOUSLY , Frontispiece 
 JONES AND THE ROOSTER SEE THE CY 
 CLONE Facing p. 4 
 
 JONES BUYS A FEW PRIME CATS .... " " 10 
 JONES PLACES BONES IN AN AWKWARD 
 
 POSITION " " 18 
 
 JONES HELPS MAKE GEOGRAPHY .... " " 24 
 JONES INSPECTS THE IMPROVED WHITED 
 
 SEPULCHRE " " 34 
 
 JONES TAKES THE AIR OF A MORNING . . 40 
 JONES AND BONES OUTWIT THE FEROCIOl S 
 
 WOLVES " " 46 
 
 JONES OUTRIDES THE RED-HEADKD MAN . " " 58 
 
 JONES DOES HIS FALL PLOUGHING ... " " 62 
 
 JONES RISES WITH THE DUCK .... 68 
 JONES IS BUNCOED BY THE SCRANTON 
 
 BEARS - " " 80 
 
 JONES S ELEPHANT PRODUCES EXCITEMENT 
 
 AMONG READERS 94 
 
 JONES TOUCHED THE VENT WITH HIS CIGAR " " 100 
 
 JONES EXERCISES THE FIN-BACK .... 108 
 
 JONES ENGAGED IN DECORATING THE TIGER 112 
 JONES SURPRISED BY FOUR LARGE POLAR 
 
 BEARS . " " 120 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 THE GLOBULAR CYCLONE-HOUSE 
 
 JACKSON PETERS leaned back in his chair, 
 and slowly blew a cloud of smoke towards 
 the ceiling. "Jones," he said, "I want to 
 ask your opinion in regard to the probability 
 of a cyclone story which a friend told me the 
 other day." 
 
 "Most cyclone stories are palpable lies, 
 Jackson," was the prompt reply of Jones. 
 
 "No doubt. The point is this : He said 
 he had seen straws driven through inch 
 boards by the force of the wind." 
 
 "It never happened, Jackson. That is a 
 stock lie told of every cyclone that blows. 
 Your friend imposed upon your youth, my 
 boy. He would never have dared to tell 
 such a manifest and self - heralding lie to 
 
2 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 Robinson or Smith. I must admit, though, 
 that the force of the wind in a genuine cy 
 clone is considerable. When I lived in Kan 
 sas, in the 70 s, I had a quantity of poultry, 
 but it was all blown away in the first cyclone 
 of the season-except one black Spanish roost 
 er. He clung to a grass root with his bill, 
 and allowed his tail to crack- and whip in the 
 wind like a yacht pennant. He rode out the 
 gale, though most of his feathers were blown 
 off. Subsequently I found some of them em 
 bedded over half an inch in my grindstone." 
 
 " Yes," said Peters, " I presume my friend 
 was trying to impose upon my adolescence." 
 
 " I think so, Jackson. I had considerable 
 experience with cyclones that summer in 
 Kansas. But I learned to handle myself so 
 that I did not mind them much. I soon saw 
 the fallacy of depending on cyclone cellars 
 and that sort of thing. The fundamental 
 difficulty with all such things is that you try 
 to hold yourself firmly in one place. It is 
 as if a ship in a gale should tie up to a post 
 (supposing mid-ocean posts, for the time be 
 ing) instead of driving before the tempest. 
 The first cyclone that summer I of course 
 went down cellar, like other folks. My 
 house was soon blown away, but I crouched 
 
THE GLOBULAR CYCLONE-HOUSE 3 
 
 in the cellar and felt safe. The next thing I 
 knew the cellar went too, rolling over and 
 over like a silk hat. I was soon spilled out. 
 With infinite labor I crawled back in the 
 teeth of the wind, intending to take refuge 
 in the hole the cellar came out of. To my 
 consternation, I found that that had blown 
 away also. I then followed the example of 
 the rooster, clung to a root, and allowed my 
 legs to flutter and snap in the gale like a 
 weather-signal flag. 
 
 " When the wind subsided, towards night, 
 and objects began to come down a hay 
 stack here, a man there, a wagon somewhere 
 else I set myself at work on a plan to pre 
 vent any such awkward occurrence in the 
 future. Applying the principle of non-resist 
 ance, I constructed a spherical house about 
 twelve feet in diameter. It was an exact 
 ball, covered with light boiler-plates, and 
 with iron shutters for the doors and win 
 dows. It was not the most convenient house 
 inside, but by fitting It up like a ship that 
 is, utilizing every inch of space, no matter 
 where it was, for some purpose it did very 
 well. I had a bunk on one side for sleeping 
 purposes, with straps to hold myself in. 
 
 " The next cyclone came up one afternoon 
 
4 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 while I was hoeing my watermelons. Tuck 
 ing my faithful rooster under my arm, I re 
 tired to my house and closed the shutters. I 
 got into the bunk, taking the rooster with 
 me, and strapped myself in. We got off in 
 about ten minutes, rolling easily at first, but 
 bounding along with greater rapidity after 
 we had gone a short distance. The motion 
 was peculiar, but not so violent as that of a 
 Fifth Avenue stage. It was pleasanter when 
 we were moving at right angles to the plane 
 of my bunk than when parallel to it, as in 
 the latter case we were standing on our 
 heads a good part of the time. The rooster 
 did not mind it so much as I feared he would, 
 and occasionally I could hear him crowing 
 lustily under the clothes. 
 
 "I fell into a light sleep after a while. 
 When I awoke the motion seemed much 
 steadier, though there was an occasional ter 
 rific bump. I peeped through a small crack 
 and, soon saw the reason. The wind had 
 greatly increased, and we were being carried 
 through the air near the ground, only strik 
 ing on the high places. Afterwards we set 
 tled down to a fast roll on a long, level 
 prairie. We passed several ordinary houses, 
 which, being square -cornered, could not 
 
te -*s&5 
 
 
 JONES AND THE ROOSTER SEE THE CYCLONE 
 
THE GLOBULAR CYCLONE--HOUSE 5 
 
 make so good time. I could see that the 
 face of the country was being furrowed up, 
 and the landscape blown about like chaff. I 
 held m} - rooster up, and let him peep out. 
 He crowed and flapped his wings heroically 
 as we easily passed a large Episcopal church, 
 which was pitching heavily and making poor 
 time, owing to the fact that the steeple was 
 ploughing into the ground every few rods. 
 We crossed the Arkansas River with one 
 bound, and shortly after rolled into a little 
 gully or draw, as they call it in Kansas 
 and lodged there. The wind soon quieted 
 down. Leaving my rooster on the dressing- 
 case, I went out, and ascertained from a man 
 who had just come up from a deep well that 
 we were in the Indian Territory. Fortu 
 nately a cyclone came along from the other 
 direction two days later and blew us back 
 home. When I released my rooster he went 
 back and began scratching in the garden as if 
 nothing had happened." 
 
 " How did you stop at your farm ?" in 
 quired Peters. 
 
 " Jackson," replied Jones, " your mania for 
 inquiry has struck you too late. You should 
 have become inquisitorial yesterday, when 
 your friend told you of observing hay in the 
 
6 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 act of perforating heavy lumber. You show 
 a lack of the ability to judge of historical 
 values when, after swallowing that story like 
 a three years child, you begin to demand 
 sordid details of a plain tale from the 
 prairies like mine." 
 
II 
 
 THE CAT-MOTOR 
 
 "SPEAKING of cats," said Jackson Peters, 
 in an easy tone, turning around sidewise in 
 his chair, "I want to " 
 
 " But, Jackson," interposed Jones, gently, 
 and with a touch of weariness in his voice, 
 " let us approach this profitable and diverting 
 narrative of yours with a clear understanding 
 of where we are and what we are doing. 
 Favor your expectant audience, Jackson, with 
 an exact statement as to who was speaking 
 of cats." 
 
 " Well, Robinson said he was kept awake 
 all last night, and I supposed it was cats, of 
 course. It s usually cats, you know. As I 
 started to say " 
 
 "Jackson, you jump at conclusions like a 
 man writing history. You show yourself 
 better fitted for a geologist than a story 
 teller. In point of fact, Robinson was kept 
 awake by your improbable tale of railroad 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF JOXES 
 
 experiences in Arizona, where, you told us, 
 they run over a steer whenever they want a 
 steak in the dining-car. Quite enough to 
 keep anybody awake, Jackson. Now, speak 
 ing of cats, since a definite person has spoken 
 of cats, let me relate a little experience of my 
 own which I had- with them when I lived in 
 Milwaukee. 
 
 "You know one of my greatest hobbies is 
 the extraction of latent energy. I cannot 
 rest when I see stored-up force, and work 
 which that force might be doiiig. This 
 brought about my great tramp -motor, of 
 which I have told you. In that, you will 
 remember, I constructed a pair of front steps 
 on the principle of a tread-mill, on which I 
 kept. the tramp by an ingenious system of 
 old. bayonets, which rose up behind him, till 
 his entire latent energy had been extracted. 
 I baited my motor with my grandmother as 
 you must recollect, a most benevolent-appear 
 ing and tramp - attracting old gentlewoman, 
 whose features, fortunately, I was allowed 
 largely to inherit. Ah, I can see the dear 
 old lady yet, in her white cap, sitting there 
 on the stoop in the warm spring sunlight, 
 knitting, and looking mildly over her. spec 
 tacles at another 200-pound tramp coming 
 
THE CAT-MOTOR 
 
 trustingly up the gravel walk like a lamb, 
 gentlemen, to the slaughter ! 
 
 "But to my cat idea. I had a large cork 
 and bung factory in Grand Avenue, and I 
 needed power to run my machinery. You 
 know, of course, that there is an immense 
 amount of stored-up electricity in a cat. The 
 problem for inventors has been to discover a 
 way to extract it profitably. Franklin looked 
 into the subject. His idea was to tie the cat 
 to a kite string by her tail and let her skate 
 along across the country, the friction between 
 the cat and the face of nature generating the 
 electricity, the same afterwards to be ex 
 tracted from the kite by induction ; but the 
 plan was too expensive. For five years it 
 was impossible to keep a cat in the neighbor 
 hood of Menlo Park. Thomas A. Edison 
 was working every night on the same prob 
 lem; but he, too, failed. More fortunate than 
 they, I succeeded chiefly, I believe, because 
 I approached the subject scientifically. 
 
 " In the rear of my factory I constructed a 
 one-story circular building, some sixty feet in 
 diameter. On the floor of this I coiled a 
 glass pipe six inches in diameter. The first 
 coil ran around the outside of the room,, the 
 coils gradually growing smaller, till the last, 
 
10 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 in the centre, was no larger than this table. 
 It gave me something like a mile of pipe. 
 The top and sides of this pipe were lined 
 with rather stiff hair-brushes, the bristles be 
 ing a little more than an inch in length. 
 
 "At that time Milwaukee was overrun 
 with cats. It was impossible to sleep nights. 
 I put a notice in the paper that I would pay 
 ten cents a dozen for prime cats, delivered at 
 my factory. I got sixty dozen the first day, 
 and stored them in the basement of the 
 power - house. The motor operated thus : 
 Placing in the outer end of the glass pipe an 
 imitation rat, made of rubber and propelled 
 by a small interior storage battery, I would 
 then adjust a cat immediately behind it. 
 The rubber rat would start off at a terrific 
 rate it was made to go through the mile of 
 tubing in from two to three minutes and 
 the cat, of course, followed furiously, think 
 ing to catch the supposed animal throughout 
 the entire distance. 
 
 " Gentlemen, it was exciting to watch a 
 healthy, active cat whip about those spirals, 
 with the mechanical rat about a foot ahead, 
 and going like a cannon-ball. The cat s back 
 and sides rubbed against the brushes, and her 
 electricity was thus extracted. With a stor- 
 
JONKS BUYS A FEW PRIME CATS 
 
THE CAT-MOTOR 11 
 
 age battery, and by sending a cat through 
 every five minutes, I generated enough elec 
 tricity to operate my entire plant, light my 
 factory, and sell power to run neighboring 
 passenger elevators and small machinery. It 
 also took the yowl out of the cats, and grad 
 ually the city became quiet. At the end of 
 a week a cat could be caught and used again, 
 an advantage which my tramp-motor did not 
 possess, as even the most bland smile of my 
 dear old grandmother could seldom lure on a 
 tramp the second time." 
 
 There was silence around the table for. a 
 full minute after Jones stopped. Then Pe 
 ters slowly said : 
 
 "Jones, the weak point of your stories is 
 always the end. You build up some marvel 
 lous I will not say impossible structure, 
 and then give a lame and impotent reason 
 for its failure or final disappearance. Now I 
 dare say a comet struck your cat - motor, or 
 something of that sort." 
 
 An expression almost of indignation man 
 tled the placid features inherited from a be 
 nevolent grandmother as Jones turned to 
 Peters and said: 
 
 "You do me an injustice, Jackson. You 
 might have heard the conclusion before mak- 
 
12 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 ing your comments. Nothing happened to 
 that cat-engine ; it is there yet. When I left 
 Milwaukee Isold the factory to a man named 
 Pumpernickel. He operates it still. He has 
 also added the business of beer-bottling. On 
 that very bottle standing before you, you will 
 observe the words, Bottled by Pumpernickel, 
 Grand Avenue. That cork which you hold 
 idly in your hand was shaped and forced into 
 the bottle by cat-power a cat-power, Jack 
 son, which I conceived, invented, perfected, 
 and for five years operated." 
 
 Jones turned in his chair and looked out of 
 the window with a patient, resigned air. 
 
Ill 
 
 INTERESTING MEETING WITH A PANTHER 
 
 "You are under the impression that you 
 are thinking, eh?" said Jones, in a gentle, 
 soothing tone, as he turned to Jackson Peters 
 and observed that young man with a fatherly 
 air. 
 
 Peters maintained his silence for another 
 moment or two, and then answered: 
 
 "No, I hardly dignified my mental gym 
 nastics with that term. I was simply turning 
 over in what passes for my mind the notion 
 of how little true greatness is appreciated. I 
 told an acquaintance your circus-tiger story, 
 and he pronounced it a monumental, epoch- 
 marking lie." 
 
 "My young friend," returned Jones, "you 
 are not associating with the right sort of peo 
 ple. There was nothing improbable about 
 that story. Circus tigers frequently escape ; 
 surely your friend could believe this. A ti 
 ger s tail is long and supple, and easily tied 
 
14 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 in a knot ; your intelligent friend could not 
 deny this. The hole in the fence was only 
 very slightly larger than the tiger s plain un- 
 knotted tail, so of course after the knot was 
 tied it was impossible for him to withdraw it, 
 and his capture was easy. If your friend 
 thinks that a tiger under such circumstances 
 would tear off his tail and go bounding away 
 across the country without it, why, all I ve 
 got to say is that he has less intelligence than 
 a friend of so brilliant a young man as you 
 are should have." 
 
 " He didn t doubt any of these things," ex 
 plained Jackson Peters. " Nor did he sup 
 pose that a tiger would leave his tail behind. 
 What he wanted explained was how you in 
 duced the tiger to back up and put his tail 
 through the knot-hole in the fence." 
 
 "Jackson, I am glad your scholarly and 
 penetrating frie.nd raised this question. I 
 will explain. I had on the side of the high 
 board fence opposite to the tiger a large tin 
 pail of sweet cream. The idea of the saga 
 cious animal was to put his tail through the 
 knot-knole, insert it in the pail, withdraw it, 
 and then lick off the adhering cream. I tied 
 the knot in his tail before the far-sighted 
 beast could complete the execution of his 
 
INTERESTING MEETING WITH A PANTHER 15 
 
 well-laid plan. What you want to do, Jack 
 son, is to get the tail off of a stuffed tiger, 
 load it heavily with lead, and then use it to 
 beat some sense into the head of your valued 
 friend. If the able gentleman ever gets to 
 know half as much as that tiger, he may count 
 it the luckiest day of his life. 
 
 " While on the subject of tigers and that 
 sort of thing, I want to mention a little expe 
 rience I had a few years ago with a mountain- 
 lion in Montana. You may call it a mountain- 
 lion, or jaguar, or panther, or tiger, or what 
 you will it makes no difference, of course 
 the fact remains that it was some ten or 
 twelve feet long, almost as big as the circus 
 tiger. You may remember my dog Bones 
 I mentioned him recently in connection with 
 certain wolf operations. Bones, you will rec 
 ollect, did not make a specialty of wild beasts; 
 he preferred the society of man, and the only 
 wild animal I ever saw him bristle up to and 
 put to flight was the common cotton-tail rab 
 bit. He went at rabbits with a ferocity which 
 was awe-inspiring, but the mere sight of the 
 picture of a wild-cat in a book of natural his 
 tory would cause him to howl dismally and 
 creep under my chair. 
 
 " I had a large cattle ranch in Winchester 
 
16 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 Trigger Valley. The country was new then 
 and overrun with Indians and wild beasts. I 
 went out one day on horseback to look after 
 some stray stock. When about twenty miles 
 up the valley my horse stepped in a prairie- 
 dog hole and broke his leg. I shot the poor 
 beast to put him out of his misery, and pro 
 ceeded on foot. I forgot to say that Bones 
 was with me. I soon found that my rifle was 
 heavy, so I cached it and pressed on. I was 
 going across a little open park, when I was 
 startled by the fierce, almost human, cry of 
 a jaguar. I looked back, and saw the beast 
 bounding toward me, covering thirty feet at 
 each jump. My first thought, of course, was 
 of the unfortunate Bones. Tucking him un 
 der my arm, I ran. I reached a small cotton- 
 wood tree about three yards ahead of the 
 enraged panther, and climbed it, still holding 
 close to my valuable dog. 
 
 " We remained in the tree some two hours, 
 during which time the baffled jaguar screamed 
 and roared below, and, as it were, beat the 
 air to a foam with his tail. I remained calm. 
 Poor Bones, however, was in an agony of 
 fear, and clung with desperation to a small 
 limb on which I had placed him. I was be 
 coming sleepy, and was arranging for a nap 
 
INTERESTING MEETING WITH A PANTHER 17 
 
 on my limb, when my attention was attracted 
 to a cloud of dust about a mile away. I soon 
 saw that it was a band of mounted Sioux 
 Indians, and that they were corning directly 
 for me. Gentlemen, it was not a time for 
 esoteric speculation; rather it was an occasion 
 for prompt, decisive, buzz-saw action; and I 
 hope I may venture to say that I am not alto 
 gether out of place at such a time as this. 
 
 "Reaching in my pocket, I drew out my 
 knife, and hastily cut off the limb to which 
 Bones clung. It was a small branch, and made 
 a pole about ten feet long, with Bones glued 
 to one end of it. The Indians were now less 
 than two hundred yards away. Taking the 
 other end of the pole in one hand, I hurriedly 
 began to descend. The jaguar had spied the 
 Indians, and stood looking at them. Their 
 blood-thirsty yells swept down the narrow 
 valley like a destroying wind. The tiger 
 screamed back to them in a voice which 
 drowned their cries as Niagara might drown 
 the ticking of a lady s watch. 
 
 "When six feet from the ground I made a 
 flying leap and lit astride the back of the 
 tiger. Swinging my pole around, I held 
 Bones about a yard in front of the beast s 
 nose. He leaped for the unhappy dog with 
 
18 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 all the fierceness of his cruel nature, whetted 
 as it was by hunger. Of course he did not 
 get him, as I retained my hold on the pole 
 and my position on his hack. Pointing 
 Bones towards the Indians, I charged them, 
 the tiger thinking to get the dog at every 
 bound. My appearance so terrified the sav 
 ages that they turned and fled ignominiously. 
 I chased them two miles, scattering them 
 right and left, and by joining my own cries 
 with the yells of the tiger and the howls of 
 poor Bones, I readily scared a number of the 
 Indians to death. 
 
 " When the last one had disappeared, I 
 turned the tiger in a broad curve by swing 
 ing Bones slightly to starboard, and rode him 
 to my ranch. The distance was twenty miles, 
 which I covered in one hour and ten minutes, 
 the optimistic animal thinking that he would 
 grasp Bones at the next jump for the whole 
 way. I was so pleased at the success of my 
 experiment that I kept the jaguar, tarned him, 
 and used him for a saddle-beast during the 
 three years that I stayed in Montana. I soon 
 taught him the use of the bit and the spur, 
 however, as the exertion of holding Bones out 
 before him was too great." 
 
 "\Ypuld you advise me to tell my friend 
 
JONKS PLACKS BONKS IN AN AWKWARD POSITION 
 
INTERESTING MEETING WITH A PANTHER 19 
 
 this story ?" asked Jackson Peters, after Jones 
 had been silent a moment. 
 
 " No, sir, I would not," answered Jones, 
 decisively. "Evidently your friend has no 
 appreciation of an artistic tiger-story. Tell 
 him that story of your own about the uncle 
 of yours who was ridden on a rail by dis 
 criminating fellow - townsmen till he got to 
 like it, and indignantly tore off a cushion put 
 on the rail by some kind-hearted ladies. That 
 ought to just about fit your friend s calibre." 
 
IV 
 
 THE KISE AND FALL OF JONES CITY 
 
 " THAT was a good elephant story," briefly 
 observed Robinson. 
 
 "Thank you," returned Jones. "As I 
 have remarked so many times before, I sim 
 ply related the facts. Of course Jackson 
 will pretend that he does not believe it. In 
 stead of treasuring up such things for use in 
 the future, he rejects them, and thus misses 
 golden opportunities to improve his young 
 mind. He will Bee his mistake when it is 
 too late." 
 
 " How long did you stay with the circus ?" 
 asked Smith. 
 
 "Two years," answered Jones. 
 
 "But what I d like to inquire," broke in 
 Jackson Peters, with some earnestness, " is 
 if you pretend to tell us that you could take 
 any elephant and teach him to swing on a 
 trapeze by his tail, like a monkey ?" 
 
 " I don t know why I couldn t, Jackson," 
 
THE RISE AND FALL OF JONES CITY 21 
 
 replied Jones. " I taught that one, and he 
 was just a plain Asiatic elephant. The 
 swinging was comparatively easy the hard 
 est part was to teach him to twist his tail 
 about the bar and raise himself up. He 
 would have been performing yet if that rival 
 showman hadn t greased the second trapeze- 
 bar, so that his tail slipped and unwound in 
 making his final $10,000 - challenge flying 
 leap. After that I went out to Dakota and 
 began in the real-estate business by founding 
 Jones City, and making it the capital of 
 Tumble Weed County." 
 
 Jackson Peters did not seem to be wholly 
 satisfied. " Perhaps the bears out there 
 swung from branch to branch by their tails," 
 he suggested, in a tone of fine sarcasm. 
 
 "Impossible," answered Jones. "It was 
 a prairie country, so there were no trees, and 
 consequently no bears. Besides, bears have 
 no tails. You show a lamentable ignorance 
 of both geography and natural history. It 
 was while at Jones City that I patented my 
 Dakota pumpkin anchor. Before that it was 
 impossible, as you doubtless know, to raise 
 this nutritious vegetable in the territory." 
 
 "No, I didn t know it," returned Jackson 
 Peters. " Why was it impossible ?" 
 
22 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 " The vines grew so fast that the$ wore 
 the pumpkins all out dragging them along 
 the ground. I sold my patent for $5000, 
 and used the money in booming Jones City. 
 I built two churches and a theatre, and 
 started a daily newspaper the Jones City 
 Volcanic Eruption. But it was a severe 
 blow to the town when it lost the county- 
 seat. At that time it was ten years ago 
 
 the Dakota court-houses were kept on wheels, 
 I may almost say. One afternoon a party of 
 men from Jumpersburg crept up, hitched six 
 mules on my court-house, and trotted away 
 with it to their own town. 
 
 " But I was not discouraged, and deter 
 mined on the boldest stroke ever attempted 
 in the territory. It was nothing more nor 
 less than to bring the Capitol building down 
 from Bismarck and put it in the place of my 
 court-house, thus making Jones City the 
 capital of the territory. Fearing that the 
 old territorial officers might not come, I 
 hired a new set of officials, including a gov 
 ernor, auditor, judges, attorney-general, and 
 so forth, choosing them mostly from my old 
 county officers, who had been left behind. 
 Borrowing the court-house wheels from Jay 
 Bird County, I took my territorial officers, 
 
THE RISE AND FALL OF JONES CITY 23 
 
 fifty leading citizens, and ten spans of mules, 
 and proceeded to Bismarck. Under cover 
 of darkness we adjusted the wheels and 
 hitched on the mules. Most of my officials 
 took their places in the several rooms, and as 
 the level rays of the rising sun shot athwart 
 the great broad plain, carpeting it with cloth 
 of gold, and waking the song-birds to mel 
 ody and the wild flowers to prodigality of 
 fragrance, I touched up the wheel mules 
 from the front portico, and we rolled away 
 out of town, with my governor on the roof 
 blowing a tin horn, and my superintendent of 
 schools, a very conservative man, on top of 
 the chimney firing his revolver into the air 
 and singing Hail Columbia. It was a 
 noble scene, and one which lives in my mem 
 ory, but the effort was a failure. Gentle 
 men, I left Dakota without a cent in the 
 world." 
 
 Jones rested his cheek in his hand and 
 looked at the floor. 
 
 " But tell us what was the difficulty," said 
 Robinson. 
 
 " Yes, it is no more than right that you 
 should know. When we were about ten 
 miles out my attorney -general came to me 
 and raised a point of law. It was this: That 
 
24 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 Jones City would not become the legal cap 
 ital of the territory unless we had the cellar 
 which belonged under the Capitol building. 
 I gave the reins to my territorial secretary, 
 and directed the attorney -general instantly 
 to bring a test case before the District Court, 
 then sitting in its chambers on the first floor. 
 It decided that he was right. Then, as we 
 rattled along across the prairie, I appealed 
 the case to the Supreme Court, on the second 
 floor. It confirmed the decision of the lower 
 court. I instantly stopped, unhitched the 
 mules, and went back for the cellar. We 
 were arrested at Bismarck, with the aid of 
 troops from Fort A. Lincoln, for, of all things, 
 abduction. It appeared that the beggarly 
 janitor of the Capitol was hidden in his room 
 in the attic, and that we had kidnapped the 
 scoundrel without knowing it. We got off 
 at the trial, but it cost me every cent I had. 
 To-day the antiquarian who searches for 
 Jones City finds only the spreading, trackless 
 plain, with the June roses looking up saucily 
 for the warm kisses of the sun, and a sea of 
 prairie-lilies billowing itself in long rolling 
 waves under the bold caresses of the ardent 
 wind." 
 
 No one spoke when Jones stopped, but all 
 
JONES HELPS MAKE GEOGRAPHY 
 
THE RISE AND FALL OF JONES CITY 25 
 
 looked at Jackson Peters. His eyes were 
 closed as if in sleep, but there was a nervous, 
 half-painful expression on his face, and even 
 the waiter, when he came in, knew that he 
 was not asleep. 
 
V 
 
 RAPID HIDING AT GETTYSBURG 
 
 " You seem to have been very fond of fast 
 travelling all your life," encouragingly re 
 marked Robinson, as Jones finished a some 
 what stiif narrative of having had his coat 
 tails caught on the rear platform of the Chi 
 cago limited as it passed through Dunkirk, 
 and of flying behind from there to Toledo. 
 
 "Of what other rapid travelling did I ever 
 tell ?" inquired Jones. 
 
 "Well, there was the time you rode your 
 hen -farm down Pike s Peak, the turn you 
 took on the Montana jaguar, and the trip you 
 enjoyed in your cyclone cottage, not to men 
 tion when you stopped the balloon by taking 
 hold of the drag -rope, and went across the 
 country, putting down one foot here and the 
 other from a quarter to a half mile farther 
 on." 
 
 Jones smiled complacently, and flicked the 
 ashes off his cigar. The rehearsal of his enor- 
 
RAPID RIDING AT GETTYSBURG 27 
 
 mities appeared rather to please him than oth 
 erwise. Then his eye fell on Jackson Peters, 
 who seemed to be meditating treasonable sar 
 casm. He arched his eyebrows, and said to 
 him : 
 
 " Still, I dare say that on none of those 
 occasions did I go so fast as did my young 
 friend Jackson on that night when he ran 
 twenty blocks while returning from a late 
 club dinner, having mistaken a fire -fly for 
 the head - light of a locomotive which had 
 jumped the track and was chasing him with 
 murder in its iron heart." 
 
 Peters smiled weakly but made no reply, 
 though it was the first he had ever heard of 
 the incident. But after a moment he said : 
 
 "I was just reading of a young man who 
 recently got married and bought five dollars 
 worth of merry-go-round tickets and rode 
 them out with his bride for a wedding- 
 tour." 
 
 " Not a bad idea," observed Jones. " He 
 didn t have the humiliating experience of at 
 tempting to deceive a hotel clerk by trying 
 to register and wife for the first time like 
 a man who had been married ten years, and 
 having the eagle-eyed fellow call a boy and 
 direct him in a distinct voice to brush the 
 
28 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 rice off the gentleman s hat-brim and show 
 him up to the bridal-chamber. 
 
 "Now that the subject of rapid transit has 
 come up, if you gentlemen will pardon me I 
 will tell you of my* fastest experience in that 
 line. I was, as you must remember, a cap 
 tain in the Sixteenth Minnesota Cavalry dur 
 ing the late war." 
 
 " Why do you never use your title ?" asked 
 Smith. 
 
 "For the first few years after I came out 
 of the army I was always called * Captain. 
 I was living in Illinois at that time. I moved 
 to Iowa, and the people there called me Ma 
 jor. I then went on to Nebraska, and they 
 called me Colonel. I made another move 
 to Colorado, and found myself referred to as 
 General. I saw that promotion depended 
 simply on moving West, and decided that it 
 was beneath a man of parts, and have always 
 since asked my friends to refrain from calling 
 me by anything but my name. 
 
 "As I started to say, it was at the battle 
 of Gettysburg. The Sixteenth Minnesota 
 played an- important part, We were exposed 
 to a severe fire, and after several hot charges 
 I found that every officer above me had been 
 killed. I instantly put myself at the head of 
 
RAPID RIDING AT GETTYSBURG 29 
 
 the troop, and determined to break the ene 
 my s centre, two miles away across the val 
 ley. We were in front of a battery of heavy 
 New York artillery, which was stationed on 
 a ridge above us and was firing over our 
 heads. Calling my men about me, I told 
 them that I proposed to smash the enemy s 
 centre or die in the attempt. They were wild 
 to have me lead them to victory. I waved 
 my sword, with some laconic remarks, which, 
 had they been my last words, would have 
 gone thundering down the corridors of time, 
 inspiring soldiers yet unborn, and we were 
 off. We were superbly mounted, and rode 
 like the wind. I clapped spurs to my horse, 
 and dashed down a little declivity, certainly 
 faster than I had ever ridden before. Sud 
 denly my horse plunged a forward foot into 
 a hole in the ground, and went down like a 
 flash. My momentum was so terrific that I 
 rose from the saddle and shot forward. I 
 did not strike the ground, as I expected, but 
 instantly felt myself riding on even more 
 rapidly than before. The noble animal had 
 risen under me, apparently, and was carrying 
 me on to victory faster than ever. Still, I 
 was not going fast enough to satisfy me. I 
 waved my sword, shouted to my men, and 
 
30 THE ADVEXTTHES OF JONES 
 
 again applied the spurs furiously. What was 
 my surprise when my heels dashed together ! 
 I looked down, gentlemen, and was durn ? 
 founded to find myself astride a twelve -inch 
 conical shell from the New York battery, and 
 riding it across the valley for the enemy s 
 centre, thirty feet from the ground. 
 
 "My first thought was to dismount, but I 
 could not disappoint my gallant men. I knew 
 they were coming. Once more I waved my 
 sword, and again I shouted. The speed was 
 awful. The air cut my face like knife-points. 
 The shell was two feet long, and gave me a 
 good seat, but I held on with difficulty. Sud 
 denly I noticed a lighted fuse projecting from 
 near the front end of the shell. I dared not 
 let go with either hand, but I was not ready 
 to become a nebulous bit of star dust. There 
 was but one thing to do. I leaned over, pulled 
 out the fuse with my teeth, and began smok 
 ing it like a cigarette. A dozen yards before 
 the shell struck the ground I dismounted. It 
 tore on through the ranks of the enemy, and I 
 shouted, ran forward, and began laying about 
 with my sword. I held my own for five min 
 utes, when rny men came up, and we cut the 
 line to pieces and won the battle." 
 
 Robinson seemed to be the only hearer left 
 
RAPID RIDING AT GETTYSBURG 31 
 
 with the power of speech. " You must have 
 been highly commended for your action," he 
 said. 
 
 "The newspapers spoke favorably of it, 
 yes ; but I came near getting court-martialed 
 for pulling the fuse out of the shell, thus im 
 pairing its efficiency. It was expensive for 
 me financially, too, as I acquired the habit of 
 smoking fuse in place of cigars, and it cost 
 me ten dollars a week for the stuff till I was 
 mustered out." 
 
VI 
 
 IIOG-RATSIXG IX THE BLACK BELT 
 
 JACKSOX PETERS had just observed that a 
 friend from the South was visiting him. 
 
 " Indeed ?" was Jones s comment. " Well, 
 don t tell him any of your impossible stories, 
 or he ll never visit you again. How do you 
 think that soulful symphony of yours about 
 the Idaho young lady you used to know, who 
 killed the mountain lion, twisted off his agile 
 tail and wore it for a boa, would impress a 
 personal friend ?" 
 
 " That is one of your own stories, Jones," 
 returned Peters, stoutly. 
 
 " Originally, of course; all of your stories, 
 Jackson, were once mine. But I long ago 
 foreswore such crass, open-faced romances. 
 If I can t tell an artistic story now, I keep 
 still. By-the-way, speaking of the South, 
 did I ever relate my experience at hog-rais 
 ing in the Black Belt ?" 
 
 Jackson Peters was inclined to think that 
 he had, but Smith said, " No." 
 
IIOG-RAISIKG IN THE BLACK BELT 33 
 
 " I thought not," replied Jones, as lie 
 looked at Smith complacently. " I seldom 
 repeat myself. The recollection, Jackson, 
 which is galloping through the reaches of 
 your mind is of my experience in Ohio at 
 crossing the common honey-bee with the fire 
 fly, and getting a bee which could work all 
 night. You should strive not to allow your 
 memories to become confused. 
 
 "I went down into the Black Belt shortly 
 after the war, when it was a good deal blacker 
 than it is now. It was in central Alabama. 
 The niggers, gentlemen, were so thick that they 
 actually darkened the landscape. The whole 
 region was gloomy with Africans. It seemed 
 like a partial eclipse of the sun all the while. 
 I had a plan at one time to set up reflectors 
 about, here and there, to lighten up things a 
 little, but I never carried it out. I said that 
 I engaged in hog-raising. I did, but I did 
 not grow the native razor-back variety. You 
 know the old Southern excuse for this style 
 of swine that it doesn t pay to raise a hog 
 that can t run faster than a nigger. Still, I 
 determined to grow the obese style of pork 
 er which we see in the fashion plates of 
 the agricultural papers." Jones paused and 
 puffed reflectively at his cigar. 
 
JU THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 " Makes me think of an experience an 
 uncle of mine had in Georgia," said Jackson 
 Peters. "Raising chickens chickens disap 
 peared every night, lie rigged up an arti 
 ficial explosive pullet on the principle of a 
 torpedo, and set it on the ground near his 
 hen-house. After that neighboring negroes 
 disappeared every night. Ran on until final 
 ly the pastor of the African Methodist church 
 mysteriously dropped out of sight, and then 
 the government " 
 
 "Jackson," broke in Jones, solemnly, "who 
 was telling a Black Belt story you or I ? 
 As I was saying, gentlemen, I determined to 
 raise portly, short-legged hogs. I knew what 
 I had to contend with. I owned at that time 
 a fine full-blooded bull -dog named the 
 Whited Sepulchre. He was a very intelli 
 gent beast, and game. I sent to New r Or 
 leans and had made a rubber hog that is, a 
 rubber bag which, when inflated, had the ex 
 act outlines of one of my fine swine. It 
 was light, strong, and pliable. I put this on 
 my dog precisely as a diver puts on his suit. 
 I allowed the animal s feet, nose, and eyes 
 to remain on the outside ; and then I blew 
 up this artificial skin with a small bellows. 
 It transformed him into a very presentable 
 
JONES INSPECTS THE IMPROVED WHITKD SEPULCHRE 
 
HOG-RAISING IN THE BLACK BELT 35 
 
 half-grown blooded pig. A farmer or stock- 
 raiser could no doubt have distinguished him 
 from the genuine article, but I believe that 
 he would have deceived the editor of an 
 agricultural paper. I then trained him to 
 stay with my swine, but not to run off with 
 them when they were frightened. In fact, 
 intelligent as the beast was, I doubt if I could 
 have taught him to run from anything. The 
 chapter on The Retreat seemed to have been 
 lost from that dog s book of military tactics. 
 " The first evening I had my hogs turned 
 out in the pasture in charge of my inflated 
 dog I determined to watch the proceedings. 
 The swine were busily engaged in hunting 
 for pecan-nuts, when a friend and brother in 
 the guise of a large colored person with a 
 fondness for fresh pork emerged from some 
 neighboring brush. Instinct seemed to teach 
 all of those hogs except one to make off as 
 fast as their short and largely ornamental 
 legs would carry them. The dark voter 
 came up rapidly, and started to fall upon this 
 loitering swine. Gentlemen, I was myself 
 startled to see that hog rear on his hind-legs, 
 utter a deep, blood-curdling bark, arid leap 
 for the throat of the gentleman from Africa. 
 He just missed, and the nigger turned and 
 
30 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 ran as I never saw another free American 
 citizen run before or since. The Whited 
 Sepulchre kept close behind, giving vent to 
 hollow barks. They crashed away through 
 the underbrush and were lost to sight. In 
 a half-hour the dog returned, and I was 
 alarmed to see a calm expression of satisfac 
 tion in his eye which made me fear the worst. 
 However, I conducted my hog plantation for 
 two years and never missed a hog. I cleared 
 $30,000, but lost it all the next year on a 
 pop-corn farm in Kentucky." 
 
 Jones paused, leaned back in his chair, and 
 looked at the floor thoughtfully. Jackson 
 Peters gave a little sniff and said : 
 
 "Jones, this is unworthy of you. This 
 silence is but a flimsy pretext to make us ask 
 you how it happened." 
 
 "As usual, Jackson, you re mistaken. It 
 is a matter of public record in the Reports 
 of the Agricultural Department that tramps 
 fired my barn where I had my crop stored. 
 Of course the corn popped, and there being 
 several thousand bushels of it, it foamed all 
 over the township to the average depth of ten 
 feet. I was sued on all sides for heavy dam 
 ages, and came out, gentlemen, with only 
 two thousand dollars in the world." 
 
VII 
 
 THE PARALYZER AND CONSERVATOR 
 
 THE waiter had withdrawn, after prinking 
 out the last imaginary wrinkle in the cloth 
 with the ends of his fingers, and the cigars 
 of the four men around the table were well 
 started ; but the usual conversational flow 
 did not begin. Peters was commencing to 
 show signs of nervousness. It was a rainy 
 night outside, and the rounded backs of the 
 pavement stones were clean and shining un 
 der the lights. A cab rattled by, and Peters 
 grasped at the incident eagerly. 
 
 "I wonder," he said, in an earnest tone, 
 " why a cab makes twice as much noise on a 
 rainy night as it does on a dry one ?" 
 
 " Would not your question come more 
 properly before the National Academy of 
 Sciences ?" inquired Robinson. 
 
 " Or why not bring the subject to the at 
 tention of the public in a Letter to the Editor 
 in the New York Tribune or the Evening 
 
38 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 Post, and sign yourself Old Subscriber or 
 Pro Bono Publico ?" asked Smith. 
 
 "Speaking of driving," went on Peters, not 
 seeming to hear " speaking of driving " 
 
 "Jackson, Jackson," broke in Jones, gen 
 tly, "nobody said a word about " 
 
 " Speaking of driving," insisted Peters,with 
 unwonted firmness, "I just read a new story 
 about the late William R. Travers. He was 
 one day riding on the box-seat of a six-horse 
 Western stage. The driver was extremely 
 drunk, and finally dropped one of the lines, 
 and the horses began to run away. The fel 
 low leaned over and fumbled about for a min 
 ute or so, trying to recover the rein, when 
 Travers suddenly said, L-l-let it go, you 
 d-darn fool ; you ve g-g-g-got more n you 
 can handle now !" 
 
 " Very good," said Robinson. " Brings to 
 my mind the practice which obtains among 
 English country -gentlemen when hiring a 
 new coachman. They do not ask, on such 
 occasions, Do you drink ? but, * Can you 
 drive when you are drunk? " 
 
 " Clever idea," assented Jones. " While 
 the subject of stopping runaway horses is up, 
 I might say that I have looked into the mat 
 ter considerably myself. When I lived at 
 
THE PARALYZER AND CONSERVATOR 39 
 
 Fostoria, Ohio, I owned the worst runaway 
 horse in the State. Driving him consisted 
 simply of clinging to your seat and letting 
 him run till he was tired. I tried the Gris- 
 wold Horse-controller, and it worked well. 
 As you may know, this consists of a stout 
 perpendicular timber back of the seat, with 
 a horizontal beam extending out over the 
 horse, precisely like an old-time gibbet. It 
 is fitted with tackle, which is connected with 
 a stout canvas or leather band which goes 
 around the horse s middle. When the ani 
 mal begins to run, you pull on the rope and 
 raise him about eighteen inches from the 
 ground. When I pulled up my horse, which 
 was named Sir Landslide, after he was well 
 started, his legs would continue fanning the 
 air so rapidly that it was impossible to fol 
 low the movements with the eye. It would 
 often take him ten or fifteen minutes to 
 run down, such was his terrific momen 
 tum." 
 
 "I ve heard of that thing," interposed 
 Jackson Peters. "And the other day I read 
 of some sort of an affair called the Tulking- 
 horn Runaway -preventer. It is connected 
 with the bit in some way. A young man at 
 Lansing, Michigan, tried one while taking his 
 
40 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 girl out riding. They had to ford a consid 
 erable stream, and the Preventer went off in 
 some way while they were in the middle of it, 
 and they had to sit there three hours before 
 they were rescued. And now the girl s moth 
 er accuses the young man of letting the thing 
 off on purpose, and there is a good prospect 
 that he will lose the girl." 
 
 " When you are quite done with this kin 
 dergarten business," said Jones, " I will tell 
 of the Centennial Runaway Paralyzer and 
 Conservator of Force. It was a little inven 
 tion of my own for use in connection with Sir 
 Landslide. The Griswold Controller worked 
 well, but I saw a loss of force which annoyed 
 me, as I did when I conceived my tramp and 
 cat motors, and my Morning-Star Milker, op 
 erated by the motion of the cow s jaw in 
 chewing her cud. In the Centennial Para 
 lyzer and Conservator I had recourse to a 
 dynamo and storage battery under the car 
 riage seat. Beneath the carriage and near 
 the ground I swung a tread- mill track which 
 could be extended out in front like the gang 
 plank of a steamboat. Hitching up Sir Land 
 slide, I would start out as usual. At the sight 
 of the first telegraph pole, baby-perambulator, 
 umbrella, or other object which in his judg- 
 
JONES TAKES THE AIR OF A MORNING 
 
THE PARALYZER AND CONSERVATOR 41 
 
 ment furnished a sufficient excuse for run 
 ning, be would start. 
 
 " When he had got well going I would push 
 forward the track under his feet, and he would 
 find himself standing still, though running 
 with all the fierceness of his vicious nature. 
 My dynamo, propelled by the flying track 
 under the feet of Sir Landslide, would revolve 
 with lightning-like rapidity, and I would di 
 vert a part of the force to propelling the car 
 riage, and would jog along at the rate of six 
 miles an hour with my horse going at the rate 
 of twenty-five. The noise of the machinery 
 excited him a good deal, and he would often 
 run for two hours, leaving me with enough pow 
 er in my storage battery to propel my carriage 
 for a week. People used to come for miles to 
 see me make a quiet morning drive with Sir 
 Landslide and theParalyzer and Conservator." 
 
 " Why did you never put your great in 
 vention on the market ?" asked Peters. 
 
 " Too many other interests, Jackson. But 
 I got it patented, and if you would care for 
 it I ll make you a present of the patent, and 
 you can begin the manufacture of the appa 
 ratus along with that of your own ingenious 
 pneumatic galoches for cab-horses, so they 
 won t make so much noise rainy nights." 
 
VIII 
 
 TERRIBLE ENCOUNTER WITH WOLVES 
 
 " SPEAKING," said Jackson Peters, " of the 
 ingenuity of man I just spoke of it my 
 self," he explained hastily, as he eyed Jones; 
 " speaking of " 
 
 " Pardon me, Jackson; one moment, please, 
 before we listen to your fascinating narra 
 tive," broke in Jones, with great suavit} r . 
 "It occurs to me that you may be a descend 
 ant of that historic man who had but one 
 story, a long gun story. You remember he 
 used to bring his fist down on the table after 
 dinner with a terrific bang, and then remark: 
 4 1 declare, sounds like a gun, doesn t it? Oh, 
 by-the-way, speaking of guns, and then he 
 would reel off his gun story for the next 
 thirty minutes. Father s or mother s side, 
 Jackson ?" 
 
 "You are in uncommonly high spirits, 
 Jones," replied Jackson Peters. " Perhaps 
 we are to be favored to-night with the exact 
 
TERRIBLE ENCOUNTER WITH WOLVES 43 
 
 facts in regard to your encounter with the 
 blue-racer, having taken a month since you 
 promised it to construct them. My reference 
 to the ingenuity of man was legitimate, and 
 was prompted by the subtlety of the waiter 
 in whisking away an imaginary fly with his 
 napkin in the hope of augmenting his tip. 
 From that I was about to tell of a Texas 
 horse-thief I had just read of, who ten years 
 ago had the operation of tracheotomy per 
 formed on himself, and a silver tube inserted 
 through which he could breathe. He has 
 been lynched twenty-three times since that, 
 but as the rope always comes above the 
 tube" 
 
 The young man was interrupted by a 
 cheery laugh from Jones. " Really," broke 
 in that individual, " that was an ingenious 
 idea. Do you know, Jackson, I believe you 
 come of a clever family." 
 
 "Thank you, Jones." 
 
 "Extraordinarily clever family. I knew 
 as soon as I gathered that the fellow was 
 another uncle of yours that he d do some 
 thing bright, but I was hardly prepared for 
 this. Friends have in the past been so kind 
 as to say that I am myself ingenious in get 
 ting out of difficulty, but I never rose to any- 
 
44 TMK ADVENTURES OF JOXKS 
 
 thing like that. I remember a little brush I 
 had with wolves in Northern Wisconsin be 
 fore the war. The wolves there were of the 
 large, timber variety, and, it being a hard win 
 ter, they were constantly hungry." 
 
 "But, Jones," interposed Robinson, "some 
 body mentioned the blue-racer story?" 
 
 "Not to-night, Robinson; not to-night. I 
 have got to look up certain facts and figures 
 which I noted in my diary at the time before 
 I can trust myself with that. There are al 
 ways temptations in a blue-racer story which 
 I must guard against. Those wolves, I repeat, 
 seemed always to have a gnawing sensation 
 in the stomach. They were fierce and dan 
 gerous, and would readily attack a man even 
 when there were no more than two or three 
 of them together. One day in January I 
 was going from Ojibway City to Porn me de 
 Terre River on foot, accompanied only by my 
 dog, which was named Bones, from his fond 
 ness for this article of diet. He was a good 
 dog, but he had read somewhere that discre 
 tion is the better part of valor. Bones was 
 not a dog that would ever go about the coun 
 try asking folks in his poor dumb way where 
 he could probably find a large pack of wolves. 
 If a wolf ever succeeded in meeting Bones he 
 
TERRIBLE ENCOUNTER WITH WOLVES 45 
 
 had to bring good letters of introduction from 
 mutual friends. 
 
 " When about fifteen miles from Pomme 
 de Terre I noticed that Bones was becoming 
 uneasy. Five minutes later I observed that 
 he was wearing the hair on his back pompa 
 dour. I suspected wolves, and I was right. 
 They soon came up, not fifty yards behind. 
 There were at least one hundred of them 
 large, gaunt, hungry, savage wolves. Their 
 fierce howls reverberated through the startled 
 forest like the diabolical shrieks of frenzied 
 demons in torment. I saw that a hand-to- 
 hand conflict with them was out of the ques 
 tion. Flight was my only hope. Picking 
 up Bones by the nape of the neck, I tucked 
 him under my arm and started. For forty 
 minutes, gentlemen, I ran like a cat in a dog 
 show. I suppose I covered ten miles, not 
 withstanding that the snow was deep in some 
 places and that in others the underbrush in 
 terfered. The wolves kept close behind. 
 When I turned my head I could feel their 
 hot, venomous breath on my cheek. They 
 leaped up and nipped at the tail of poor 
 Bones, which was waving and tossing behind 
 on the terrific wind which my flight engen 
 dered, like the plume of a knight of old going 
 
46 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 into battle. Their howl, weird and hideous 
 as the sinking wail of ten thousand lost souls, 
 shook the pine needles from the trees and 
 tore the nerves of the unfortunate Bones in a 
 way which was painful to behold. At the 
 end of ten miles I began to tire. A large 
 spruce-tree stood in my path, and I climbed 
 it. Perching myself on a lower limb, some 
 fifty feet from the ground, and tying Bones 
 in place on another with a bit of string, I 
 looked down on the angry, surging sea of 
 wolves below. 
 
 " I felt safe, and lit my pipe and gave my 
 faithful dog a ham-bone which I had in my 
 pocket. But soon, to my surprise, the wolves 
 began most extraordinary tactics. Nothing 
 less, gentlemen, than gnawing down the tree. 
 One hundred sets of ravenous fangs tore and 
 bit at the trunk. I saw that the tree could 
 not stand half an hour. I knocked the ashes 
 out of my pipe and began to look at the sit 
 uation seriously. I noticed on the branches 
 around me chunks of raw spruce-gum about 
 the size of my fist. Taking my pocket-knife, 
 I pried one off and dropped it to a wolf 
 below. He snapped his jaws together upon 
 it with famished greed. He never opened 
 them again, the resinous mass holding them 
 
JONKS AND BONES OUTWIT THE FEUOCIOUS WOLVES 
 
TERRIBLE ENCOUNTER WITH WOLVES 47 
 
 firm as a vise. At the end of twenty minutes 
 I had the jaws of every wolf welded together 
 past all hope of opening. I then descended 
 with Bones, who now barked savagely and 
 attacked the wolves with great spirit. With 
 his assistance I drove the baffled, helpless 
 creatures to Pomme de Terre like a flock of 
 sheep. There was at that time ten dollars 
 bounty on wolves. We rounded them up in 
 the court-house yard, and I drew a thousand 
 dollars from the county treasurer, after which 
 I repaired to the Le Grand Monarque Hotel 
 and ordered supper, not forgetting to bespeak 
 the largest soup-bone in town for my trusty 
 dog. I returned to Ojibway City the next 
 day, but saw no wolves. That is all, gentle 
 men. Pardon the tameness of my narrative ; 
 I doubt not our time might have been better 
 employed." 
 
 " Jones," said Jackson Peters, " you refused 
 to tell us the blue - racer story because you 
 had not yet looked up the exact facts, did you 
 not ?" 
 
 " Yes, Jackson. What of it ?" 
 
 "Nothing." 
 
IX 
 
 THE WILD-CAT FRIGHTENER 
 
 "You remember that trip I made out 
 through Michigan over a year ago, doubt 
 less," said Jackson Peters. "I never told you 
 of the odd genius I met at Pontiac, who was 
 going to do away with carpets on floors by 
 sticking little pieces of carpeting on the feet 
 with mucilage." 
 
 Jones looked at the younger man with se 
 verity. "Jackson, I was just on the point 
 of telling a story about a little idea of my 
 own when I lived in Iowa several years ago. 
 Enrich us with the tale of your bright friend 
 some other time." 
 
 " Yes," returned Peters, " it does very well 
 for you to say that, but my story was going 
 to be a true one." 
 
 " Young man," answered Jones, " you seem 
 to forget that I am somewhat older than you." 
 
 " Give us your story, Jones, give us your 
 story," said Smith, encouragingly. 
 
THE WILD-CAT FRIGHTENER 49 
 
 " I was going to," replied Jones. "It was 
 a number of years ago. I was living out in 
 Iowa, near Des Moines. My place was on 
 the Des Moines River bottom, and the bluffs 
 were literally alive with wild-cats. The wild 
 cats from all over the country seemed to be 
 in the neighborhood that year holding a wild 
 cat World s Fair. I had a fancy stock farm, 
 and between the resident and the visiting 
 wild-cats they played the very deuce with 
 my blooded chickens. I don t need to tell 
 you, gentlemen, that I am mortally afraid of 
 a gun." 
 
 "Seems to me that s a pretty serious ad 
 mission for a man to make who only last 
 night was telling how, down in Arkansas, he 
 used to spring up bears with a four -inch 
 hickory plank and shoot them on the wing, 
 like clay pigeons," said Jackson Peters. 
 
 "An idle tale, Jackson, an idle tale. A 
 man must relax a little sometimes. As I 
 was" 
 
 " But you offered to bet fif ty dollars 
 that" 
 
 " I couldn t shoot those wild-cats, you see, 
 so what could I do? Night after night they 
 walked off with my choicest fowls. One day 
 a bright idea occurred to me. It was noth- 
 
50 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 ing more nor less than every time I heard 
 any disturbance among the chickens to put 
 my head out of the window and cry out 
 4 Scat ! in a loud voice." 
 
 The narrator paused and looked at Jack 
 son Peters defiantly. But Peters only blew 
 a cloud of smoke ceilingward and raised his 
 eyebrows slightly. 
 
 " That was a clever notion," observed Rob 
 inson. " Very clever notion. Worthy to 
 rank with your plan for extracting the latent 
 energy from tramps." 
 
 " No, Robinson, no," answered Jones, smil 
 ing, and evidently much gratified. " No, you 
 are too kind. My tramp idea showed genius ; 
 such things come to a man but once in his 
 lifetime ; this was simply an indication of 
 a special talent for dealing with wild -cats. 
 Still, if you would believe it, my plan proved 
 utterly valueless so far as frightening the cats 
 away was concerned. I * scatted myself 
 hoarse every night for a week, still those 
 wild - cats went right on carrying away my 
 poultry. But I felt that the principle was a 
 sound one, and I looked about for the weak 
 point in the application of it. I soon found 
 it. I was employing the same volume of 
 scat for wild-cats which is used in the case 
 
THE WILD-CAT FRIGHTENER 51 
 
 of tame cats, and wild-cats are three times 
 bigger than tame cats. My first thought was 
 of a speaking-trumpet, but I soon decided 
 against it. I determined to make a clean 
 sweep of the whole matter. I sent to Chi 
 cago and got an improved Edison phonograph 
 with intensifying attachment. I set the in- 
 tensifier at the ratio of three to one. I then 
 shouted a battery of scats into the receiver 
 in my natural tame -cat driving voice. I 
 wound up the clock-work, and set the pho 
 nograph near my hen-house. A small wire 
 connected the clock-work with the hen-house, 
 so that a cat on entering the door would set 
 the phonograph off, causing it to speak once. 
 "I went to bed, gentlemen, and slept 
 soundly till morning. After breakfast my 
 foreman told me that at about midnight, 
 when the first wild-cat started to enter my 
 chicken-coop to feloniously abstract my poul 
 try, that phonograph sort of cleared its throat 
 and remarked, Scat ! in a voice which rat 
 tled the windows. Gentlemen, my foreman 
 was a man in whom I had the utmost confi 
 dence, and he said that after that phonograph 
 spoke he observed a long gray streak of wild 
 cat reaching from my hen-house door to the 
 underbrush about two hundred yards distant. 
 
52 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 The same phenomenon was noted by my fore 
 man in the case of subsequent cats. I lost no 
 more chickens through the depreciations of 
 this obnoxious form of vermin." 
 
 Jones paused and lit his cigar, which had 
 gone out. He blew an aggressive cloud at 
 the lamp, elevated his chin, and looked at 
 Jackson Peters. 
 
 Peters rested his cheek in his hand and 
 seemed thoughtful. After some seconds he 
 drew a long breath, and said : 
 
 "Jones, may I trouble you to tell us when 
 this interesting and valuable incident took 
 place ?" 
 
 "Certainly, Jackson, certainly. In the 
 summer of 1871." 
 
 Peters smiled. Then he said: "The pho 
 nograph, Jones, is given a later date by the 
 more advanced historians and archaeologists. 
 You are, Jones, guilty of an anachronism." 
 
 "No doubt, Jackson, no doubt," answered 
 Jones. " Most men who tell the truth are. 
 I shall not lie to avoid an anachronism no, 
 not if I am guilty of an anachronism with 
 every word I utter, if my whole life becomes 
 one vast anachronism. Truth, Jackson, truth 
 first always. We will now listen to the im 
 portant and educational account of your un- 
 
THE WILD -CAT FKJOHT ENKfi V; 
 
 cle in Michigan, that brainy and scholarly 
 gentleman who propose* to do away with 
 floors by having everybody wear wooden 
 shoes. Proceed, Jackson." 
 
 Peters looked at Jones with a weary air, 
 tossed the stub of his cigar into the fire, and 
 answered : " It s of no importance. Some 
 future day will do as well a year from now 
 two years any time." 
 
X 
 
 ACTIVE COLORADO REAL ESTATE 
 
 "WHEN I was visiting at my uncle s in 
 Wisconsin last fall, I went out to Lake Kin- 
 nikinnic and caught a shovel-nose sturgeon 
 which weighed eighty-five pounds." 
 
 It was Jackson Peters who spoke, and he 
 did it rapidly and with an apprehensive air, 
 for Jones was watching him closely. As he 
 finished, Peters drew a long breath, and 
 seemed much relieved that he had got 
 through the story without an interruption. 
 
 "Eighty-five pounds," mused Jones. 
 
 "Yes, eighty-five pounds and ten ounces, 
 to be exact, but I called it eighty-five." 
 
 "Exactness does not help your story in 
 the least, Jackson," continued Jones. "You 
 might give us the fractions of the ounce, and 
 your story would still remain a crude produc 
 tion. I am in the habit of speaking plainly, 
 and I will do so now. I take it that we are 
 to consider your story simply as an exagger- 
 
ACTIVE COLORADO REAL ESTATE 55 
 
 ation that the fish probably didn t weigli 
 ten pounds. Simple exaggeration, Jackson, 
 is not art, and is unworthy of a man of brains. 
 Anybody can exaggerate the street laborer 
 as easily as the man in Congress. But artis 
 tic story- telling is another thing, and the 
 greatest may well hope for distinction in it. 
 Why did you not, Jackson, tell an artistic lie, 
 and say that when you pulled your fish out of 
 the water the level of the lake fell two feet?" 
 
 Peters moved about uneasily, but made no 
 reply. 
 
 "You never tell fish-stories, Jones?" ob 
 served Robinson, in an inquiring tone. 
 
 "Seldom, Robinson. The trail of gross 
 exaggeration is over them all. Fish stories 
 have become the common property of the in 
 artistic multitude. Of course I do not for 
 this reason suppress facts having a scientific 
 or commercial value. For instance, last win 
 ter I went before the legislative committee 
 on fisheries, and laid before it an account of 
 my experience when I had a farm near Oma 
 ha, on the Missouri River bottoms, and bait 
 ed two miles of barbed-wire fence with fresh 
 pork just before the June rise, and after the 
 water receded removed thirty-eight thousand 
 four hundred fish from the barbs, weighing, 
 
50 THE ADVENTURES OI-" JONES 
 
 in the aggregate, over ninety-six tons. The 
 Legislature passed a special vote of thanks 
 for the facts." 
 
 Jones was becoming warmed up. " You 
 have observed, Robinson," he went on, " that 
 I seldom relate the marvellous. That is be 
 cause it is too easy. I prefer to have the rep 
 utation of telling a plain tale artistically to 
 that of telling a fabulous one like a realistic 
 novelist. That is the reason I never told any 
 one of my experience at breaking one hun 
 dred and sixty acres of land to ride." 
 
 "Tell us, by all means, Jones," said Rob 
 inson. 
 
 "Yes, go ahead," added Smith. Jackson 
 Peters hid himself behind a cloud of cigar 
 smoke. 
 
 " It was an exciting experience," said Jones, 
 thoughtfully, as he gazed into the fire, "and 
 one which I have never mentioned to any 
 body, although it happened twenty years ago. 
 There is nothing so easy to lose as a repu 
 tation for truthfulness. I have my own to 
 maintain. More men have lost their good 
 names by telling the plain, straightforward 
 truth than by indulging in judicious lying. 
 However, I will venture this time. It was, 
 as I said, twenty years ago. There was a 
 
ACTIVE COLORADO REAL ESTATE 57 
 
 great mining boom in Colorado, and I closed 
 my defective-flue factory in Chicago, to the 
 intense joy of the insurance companies, and 
 went out. I saw more money in hens than 
 I did in mines, and decided to start a hen 
 ranch. Eggs sold at five dollars a dozen. 
 The hen, you know, requires a great amount 
 of gravel for her digestion, and she also 
 thrives best at a high altitude ; so I went 
 about two miles up Pike s Peak and selected 
 a quarter -section of land good for my pur 
 pose. There was gravel in plenty, and I put 
 up a small house and turned loose my three 
 hundred hens. I became so interested in get 
 ting settled that I forgot all about establish 
 ing my right to the land before the United 
 States Land Office at Colorado Springs. 
 
 "One day a large, red -headed man came 
 along and erected a small house on one cor 
 ner of my ranch, and said that he had as 
 much right to the land as I. He turned out 
 two hundred head of goats, and started for 
 Colorado Springs to file his claim. He had 
 a good horse, while I had none. It was ten 
 miles to the town by the road, and only five 
 in a straight line down the mountain, but 
 this five was impassable on foot or in any 
 other ordinary way. But I did not despair. 
 
58 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 I had studied the formation of the land, and 
 knew what I could do. I took a half-dozen 
 sticks of giant powder and went over to a 
 small ridge of rocks which held my farm in 
 place. I inserted the powder, gentlemen, and 
 blew those rocks over into the next county. 
 I then lay down on my back and clung to a 
 root while I rode that one hundred and sixty 
 acres of good hen land down the mountain 
 to Colorado Springs. It felt very much like 
 an earthquake, and I made the five miles in a 
 little over four minutes. Probably ten acres 
 of my farm around the edges were knocked 
 off along on the grand Colorado scenery, and 
 most of the goats jolted off, but the hens, gen 
 tlemen, clung, the hens and myself. The cor 
 ner of my front yard struck the Land Office 
 and knocked it off its foundation. The reg 
 ister and receiver came running out, and I 
 said: 
 
 " Gentlemen, I desire to make claim entry 
 on the northeast quarter of section twen 
 ty-seven, township fourteen south, of range 
 sixty -nine, and to prevent mistake I have 
 brought it with me. The business was all 
 finished by the time the red-headed man came 
 lumbering along, and I gave him ten minutes 
 to get the rest of his goats off mv land. He 
 

 JONES OUTKIDKS THK RED-HKADKn MAN 
 
ACTIVE COLORADO REAL ESTATE , r )9 
 
 seemed considerably surprised, and looked at 
 me curiously." 
 
 Jackson Peters was the first to speak after 
 Jones paused. "It is one of the saddest 
 things in this life," he said, "that the man 
 who always adheres to the exact truth often 
 gets the reputation of being a liar." 
 
 "You are right, Jackson," said Jones. " I 
 know of nothing sadder, unless it be, per 
 haps, to see a young man forget the respect 
 he owes his elders. This life, Jackson, is full 
 of sad things." t 
 
XI 
 
 FARMING IX VERMONT 
 
 A REFERENCE by the volatile Jackson 
 Peters to a recent experience of a friend of 
 his with an excited bull, which he met while 
 on a botanical excursion, had awakened a 
 slight discussion as to the best course to pur 
 sue on such occasions. Robinson favored 
 flight. Smith announced his adherence to 
 the plan of luring on the excited animal 
 with a red handkerchief, and then jabbing 
 him severely in the side with his cane as he 
 rushed by ; but the possibility of the victim 
 not always having a red handkerchief and 
 a cane, and the probability of his not being 
 able to use them if he did have them, being 
 pointed out, Smith attempted gently to turn 
 away the adverse criticism with the* observa 
 tion that he once knew a man who always 
 carried a celluloid ear of corn in his pocket, 
 which he would toss to the beast and escape 
 while the guileless creature was making ef 
 forts to masticate it. 
 
FARMING IN VERMONT 61 
 
 " Why not carry a gummy, resinous ear, 
 which would stick his jaws together, as Jones 
 did those of the wolves?" asked Jackson 
 Peters, with renewed interest. 
 
 "Jackson," said Jones, now speaking for 
 the first time since the subject came up, 
 "your idea is very bright, and would be ex 
 tremely useful if the bull was given to biting; 
 but he is not. The common domestic bull, 
 Jackson, does not use his fangs to seize his 
 victim. The bull is not a carnivorous ani 
 mal. Naturalists do not class him as a beast 
 of prey. He does not range the forest and 
 spring upon the belated traveller. from a tree. 
 The spectacle of the common agricultural bull 
 bounding away to his lair with a man in his 
 jaws would be new, and would attract the at 
 tention alike of the zoologist and of the De 
 partment of Agriculture. The bull, Jackson, 
 even the trained Veragua bull, prefers to toss 
 his subject with his horns, and he can do it as 
 well with his jaws closed as open. You have 
 made remarkable progress, Jackson, but you 
 need to complete your education with a short 
 course of natural history. 
 
 " Speaking of things appertaining to the 
 farm," Jones continued, " reminds me that I 
 have sometimes done something in the agri- 
 
62 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 cultural way myself. I have already told 
 you of my experience in Vermont at raising 
 Christmas trees. I sank the profits of this, 
 as you will remember, in my experiments at 
 crossing the red willow and the common 
 white birch in an effort to produce natural 
 barber-poles. I grew some good poles, but I 
 found the plan too costly to be practical. 
 The sheriff closed me out and left me without 
 a cent. I tried the application of cantharides 
 and bay-rum to sheep, in the hope of being 
 able to shear them four times a year, but this 
 too proved a failure. 
 
 "I was about to leave the State in disgust, 
 when my attention was drawn to a neighbor 
 ing tract of land on the side of one of the 
 hills for which Vermont is noted. There 
 were about two hundred acres in it, and it 
 stood at an exact angle of fifty degrees. It 
 was so steep that it had never been culti 
 vated, and I bought it for fifty dollars. I 
 went up on my farm some two hundred feet 
 with scaling ladders, and found it to be ex 
 cellent wheat land. I determined to plough 
 it and sow it to this kind of grain. I accord 
 ingly sent to Brattleboro and got a large 
 brass cannon, used for Fourth-of-July cele 
 brations. This I mounted at the lower edge 
 
..*^= 5->- -*^ .__%. .: 
 
 JOiNES DOES HIS FALL PLOUGHING 
 
FARMING IN VERMONT 63 
 
 of my farm, loaded it, and blazed away. The 
 ball ricochetted and tore up the ground like 
 a steam gang-plough. It struck the stone 
 wall at the upper edge of my farm and rolled 
 back, smoothing off the surface considerably. 
 At the end of five days, gentlemen, I had ray 
 farm ploughed beautifully, at the expense of 
 a few pounds of powder. Two days more 
 sharp and decisive bombarding with paper 
 shells charged with seed grain sowed my 
 crop, which I harrowed in with grape and 
 canister. You never saw wheat grow as that 
 did. The soil was rich, and I had the largest 
 yield of any man in the neighborhood." Jones 
 stopped as if he had finished. 
 
 Said Robinson, "You harvested it with " 
 " With a raking fire of musketry, of course," 
 interrupted Jones. " There was no other prac 
 tical way. I sold the place for eight thousand 
 dollars and went down to South Carolina and 
 began the manufacture of the Jones Ne Plus 
 Ultra Effervescent Watermelon, with a faucet 
 in the stem end, shell to be returned to the 
 factory for refilling. It failed, because there 
 were no rinds for sweet pickles." 
 
XII 
 
 KAPID RISE OF A DUCK GROWER 
 
 "EVER since I wont to the poultry show," 
 said Jackson Peters, " I have felt interested 
 in chickens. I wish I had some." 
 
 "Yes," observed Robinson, "it wouldn t 
 be a bad idea for you to keep a few good 
 fowls in your room. They could roost on the 
 foot of your bed, and you could make nests 
 for the hens in your last year s hats and coop 
 your chickens in the grate, and 
 
 " I believe, Robinson, that you are becom 
 ing almost as facetious as Jones. You should 
 be careful that the attack does not run into a 
 low form of improbable adventures. What I 
 want to do is to go out into the country and 
 raise chickens." 
 
 " Why not ducks ?" inquired Jones, in a 
 serious and interested tone. 
 
 " Well, they might be all right. I could 
 get a place where there was plenty of water 
 and raise ducks." 
 
RAPID RISE OF A DUCK GROWER 65 
 
 "Yes, ducks need water; but I have a 
 theory that it is best to go where there is no 
 water naturally, get it in some way, and then 
 raise them there." 
 
 "Why?" 
 
 " More demand for them where they are 
 scarce, and therefore a better price," answered 
 Jones. " Go out to the arid region, Jackson, 
 to start your duck ranch." 
 
 " Well, there may be something in that," 
 replied Jackson, much interested. "What 
 place would you recommend?" 
 
 " I tried Dakota," said Jones, softly. 
 
 " Oh, you ve tried it, have you ?" returned 
 Jackson, suspiciously, beginning to catch the 
 drift of the other s remarks. 
 
 " Certainly, Jackson. I was just going to 
 tell you about it." 
 
 " Very self-sacrificing of you, I am sure. 
 No doubt you utilized their voice and set up 
 a thousand quack-power motor, or " 
 
 "Now, hold on, my young friend ; this is 
 not a debate in the Senate, but a serious dis 
 cussion of weighty agricultural problems. If 
 you will listen you may learn much. When 
 I decided several years ago to engage in duck 
 culture I went out to Dakota. I first called 
 on the governor. Governor, I said, for 
 
66 TIIE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 what is there the greatest demand in your 
 territory? English capitalists, he replied. 
 I would gladly start a ranch to raise that 
 sort of stock if I could, I answered; but 
 you see how impossible it is. For what prac 
 tical product is there the heaviest demand ? 
 Ducks, replied the governor ; there is not 
 a duck in the territory. But they require 
 water, I said. Irrigate em, returned the 
 executive." 
 
 "But," interposed Jackson Peters,"couldn t 
 the settlers raise them along the rivers ?" 
 
 " So I hinted to the governor. There s the 
 Jim River, I said to him ; there s a place 
 for ducks to swim. Not deep enough, an 
 swered the governor. * Well, the Missouri, 
 then. * Too thick. The upshot of it was 
 that I went down into Brule County, bought 
 some land, sent to Illinois for five hundred 
 prime live ducks, and began boring an arte 
 sian well. 
 
 "When my well was down something like 
 a thousand feet, and still no sign of water, I 
 became anxious, and spent much of my time 
 about the mouth of it. The ducks were also 
 becoming impatient, and would cluster around 
 the hole, six inches in diameter, peer down it, 
 and quack in a thirsty voice which touched 
 
RAPID RISE OF A DUCK GROWER fj? 
 
 me deeply. One day while my workmen 
 were sharpening their drill I was leaning over 
 the hole, measuring its depth with a small 
 cord and weight, when suddenly, with a ter 
 rific explosion and a roar which shook the 
 earth, a stream of water burst out of the hole 
 and shot one hundred feet into the air. Being 
 directly over it, I was of course carried up, 
 along with one duck. The first thing I real 
 ized was of being tossed up and down on the 
 top of the column of water, precisely as you 
 will sometimes see a small ball tossed up and 
 down by the central jet of a lawn foun 
 tain. 
 
 " Gentlemen, I am not ashamed to admit 
 that for a moment I was frightened. The 
 top of the stream spread to a foot and a half 
 in diameter, and was soft and foamy. It rose 
 and fell somewhat, and I was gently bounced 
 up and down on my face. I had seized the 
 duck by the legs while coming up, that he 
 might not be injured, but I now released him 
 and turned over and sat upright. My work 
 men and neighbors came rushing up to the 
 well, but though I could see them making 
 signs, I could hear nothing owing to the 
 frightful roar of the escaping waters, which 
 was as great as that of Niagara. The duck 
 
08 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 floundered about at my side and quacked with 
 joy, but I own that I was somewhat disturbed 
 by the prospect. I dared not jump off on ac 
 count of the height. As for sliding down the 
 column, it was impossible to make any head 
 way against the terrific upward current. I 
 saw I was in for a considerable stay, so de 
 cided to make the best of it. I signalled my 
 men to send up some dinner, a newspaper, 
 and a handful of corn for the duck. This 
 they did, enclosing all in a stout tin can, and I 
 soon refreshed myself and began looking over 
 the paper, finding especial interest in an 
 article on The Advantage of the Artesian 
 Well on the Farm. The duck ate the corn 
 out of my hand and seemed grateful. After 
 finishing the paper I tossed it off and allowed 
 it to flutter to the ground, and spent the rest 
 of the afternoon in surveying the neighbor 
 hood, my elevation giving me a fine prospect 
 in all directions. 
 
 "After supper, which was sent up as din 
 ner had been, I began to think about sleep 
 ing accommodations. Finally I signalled my 
 men to send me up a cot, which they did sim 
 ply by throwing it into the column of water 
 as they had the other things. It came up and 
 struck me with considerable force, but bal- 
 
\ 
 
 JONES RISES \V1TH THE DUCK 
 
RAPID RISE OF A DUCK GROWER 69 
 
 anced nicely on top of the stream, which now 
 flattened out rather more, and I soon retired, 
 placing the duck on the foot of the bed. I 
 slept quite well, though I woke up once or 
 twice, possibly from the novelty of the sur 
 roundings. 
 
 " The days which followed were much like 
 the first. My meals were sent up regularly, 
 together with books and papers, and I spent 
 most of my time in reading and teaching the 
 duck many interesting tricks. People came for 
 miles to see me in my odd position, and I was 
 an immense boon to local photographers. I 
 also wrote a series of articles for the Terri 
 torial Agriculturist on The Artesian A^ell 
 Outlook, and others on How the Farmer 
 May Rise in the World, and Tips and Downs 
 of Duck Culture. I may say that these met 
 with much favor, and were widely quoted and 
 commented upon. Friends have sometimes 
 chided me for not devoting more of my time 
 to work with the pen." 
 
 Jones stopped abruptly and gazed into the 
 fire. 
 
 " Well," said Smith, after a pause, " you 
 forget that you are down now." 
 
 " Yes, that s so ; I am. But I stayed up 
 there six weeks. It was in the latter part of 
 
70 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 October when I went up. Early in Decem 
 ber there came a cold snap and froze the 
 column of water solid. Tossing my duck 
 off, which readily flew to the ground, I took 
 a rope previously sent up, tied it to my 
 cot, which was frozen on top of the stream, 
 slid to terra firma and received the congrat 
 ulations of my friends. That, I think, is 
 all." 
 
 Jackson Peters moved about uneasily in 
 his chair for a few moments. Then he 
 said: 
 
 " Well, your duck farm was a success, I 
 suppose ?" 
 
 " A decided one, Jackson. Next summer 
 the ducks soon learned to hop into the stream, 
 ride up, fly off, and repeat the performance. 
 They thus avoided the work of swimming, 
 and turned the energy so saved to the pro 
 duction of feathers and eggs. There was a 
 procession of ducks going up the column of 
 water and fluttering off the top all day long, 
 as if it were a duck volcano. A correspond 
 ent of a New York paper, a somewhat super 
 ficial observer, conceived it (with slight 
 help from me) to be such in reality, and 
 sent an interesting despatch to his sheet, en 
 titled : 
 
GREAT DUCK GEYSER! 
 
 IMMENSE VEIN OF NATURAL DUCKS TAPPED 
 IN DAKOTA 
 
 A Discharge of 300 Prime Live Fowls per Minute 
 
 PROPOSED PIPE-LINE TO TIDE-WATER 
 
 "Yes, Jackson, my duck farm was a suc 
 cess; and if you embark in the business I ad 
 vise you to go to the arid belt. But avoid 
 leaning over your artesian well unless you are 
 interested in the study of the upper atmos 
 pheric strata." 
 
XIII 
 
 THE KING OP ROARING CREEK 
 
 "THE great fault of story-tellers is their 
 absurd struggle for striking effects," observed 
 Jones, with a sententious air, after getting his 
 second cigar well started. "Unless the av 
 erage story-teller has something out of the 
 way, or blood-curdling, or utterly impossible, 
 he thinks he has nothing to relate at all. 
 Hair-breadth escapes and marvellous encoun 
 ters are not the only things in this world. 
 The interesting lies all about us. Better a 
 quiet tale well told than a story of shipwreck 
 on the coast of lost Atlantis in the style of a 
 Patent - office report. Genius, gentlemen, il 
 lumes the lowly and gilds the every-day with 
 the splendor which rested on Bagdat s shrines 
 of fretted gold." 
 
 "That s a very true observation, Jones," 
 returned Jackson Peters. " Oddly enough, I 
 was just on the point of relating a little inci 
 dent which illustrates it to perfection. I was 
 
THE KING OF ROARING CREEK 73 
 
 out in Kansas last fall on election day. It 
 seems that in one precinct a Avoman had by 
 mistake voted a receipt for currant-jelly in 
 stead of the regular ticket ; and when the fe 
 male inspectors of election came to it while 
 counting the vote, they read it, and got into 
 a dispute as to whether or not currant -jelly 
 made by it would jell, and 
 
 " Come, come, Jackson, our friends here do 
 not want to listen to any such stuff as this. 
 You somehow fail to give to it that touch of 
 genius for which you are so celebrated. Be 
 sides, I made those discriminating remarks of 
 mine as a prelude to a humble tale of an ex 
 perience of my own in Missouri." 
 
 "But, Jones," said Robinson, "you often 
 relate the exciting and marvellous yourself." 
 
 "Certainly when it is true. I am not 
 afraid of the striking, or even the improba 
 ble, if it come within my experience, and I 
 can vouch for each word of it. *For instance, 
 when I told you recently of my neighbor, 
 when I lived in Indiana, who was tarred and 
 feathered by White Caps, kept his plumage 
 on, and exhibited himself in a dime museum 
 at fifty dollars a week, did I seem ill at ease? 
 I think not. The more subdued incident 
 which I started to relate happened to me when 
 
74 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 I had a store in a little backwoods Missouri 
 town. I had not been open a week when one 
 day a large, angular man, with a protruding 
 lower jaw, carne in and asked my prices on plug 
 tobacco, revolver cartridges, bowie-knives, and 
 bear -traps. He was a strikingly large man, 
 probably six feet four, and must have weighed 
 considerably over two hundred pounds. He 
 was well proportioned, and seemed as quick 
 and active as a cat. He carried a heavy pis 
 tol in a holster, and appeared irritable and 
 captious. I gave him the figures he asked 
 for, and also mentioned casually that I car 
 ried a full line of pocket-flasks, brass knuck 
 les, and tools suitable for breaking jail. He 
 listened, and then said : 
 
 " Podner, my name is Whipsaw Pepper, and 
 I m the King of Roaring Creek. I live up at 
 the head of the creek, where the Old Giasticus 
 sharpens his fangs on the bones of his dead. 
 Everybody on Roaring Creek looks up to me 
 and does as I says. They all trade at the 
 store where I say, and I m in the habit of 
 getting my terbacker and things free for di 
 recting of em to a store. I m willing to do 
 this by you. 
 
 "He stopped, and his hand rested light!} 
 on the butt of his revolver. Gentlemen, I 
 
THE KING OF ROARING CREEK 75 
 
 saw that my success in that neighborhood 
 depended on my action. I laid down the 
 dredge which I used for scratching dried ap 
 ples out of a barrel, stepped around from be 
 hind the counter, and kicked Mr. Pepper 
 heavily. Before he could express his sur 
 prise, either orally or Delsartely, I kicked 
 him the whole length of the store, about ten 
 feet at each kick, and through the front door, 
 leaving a large, jagged hole in it. I then 
 painted this sign, and put it on the front of 
 my building : 
 
 Roaring Creek men are directed to buy their goods 
 at this store. Those disobeying this order will be shot. 
 Enter by the hole through which I kicked the old Gi- 
 
 asticus. 
 
 JONES, King of Pike County. 
 
 " I had no further difficulty, and did a live 
 ly business for eighteen months, my chief 
 trade coming from the Roaring Creek settle 
 ment." 
 
 Jones paused and silently took a match 
 from Smith s proffered box. 
 
 Robinson straightened up and said: "Jones, 
 that was an interesting story." 
 
 "Thank you, Robinson, for saying so. 
 
76 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 Merely a plain account of what happened. 
 But what would our condition now be had 
 we listened to the depressing tale of my 
 young friend here, Jackson Peters, of the 
 lady who cast a curl - paper for Prohibition ? 
 Jackson is all right, but he is young yet. No 
 man can be a good story-teller till he is fifty 
 years old, and has had large experience in 
 different parts of the world." 
 
XIV 
 
 THE FIIESII BEAK CO. 
 
 A GLOOM seemed to rest upon the usually 
 genial party gathered around the table. 
 Even the vivacious Jackson Peters was 
 somewhat downcast, especially after Jones 
 thwarted him in his attempt to tell of a St. 
 Louis man he had just heard of who recently 
 took first prize in a homing pigeon-match by 
 inserting a small rubber-tube in the throat of 
 his bird and inflating him with hydrogen gas. 
 Jones indignantly denounced the story as 
 improbable. After this silence settled down 
 upon the group for some time ; but when the 
 waiter withdrew, Jones casually observed: "I 
 see the usual summer trouble with the ice 
 men has begun." 
 
 " Yes," Robinson returned ; " my ice-man 
 complains of the expense of having to carry 
 one large piece of ice in his wagon to keep 
 the little ones from melting before he can de 
 liver them to his customers." 
 
78 THE ADVENTUEiES OF JONES 
 
 " Precisely," answered Jones. " That is the 
 way with ice-men. I once knew an ice-man 
 in Detroit who presented each of his custom 
 ers with a volume of Dr. Kane s Arctic Ex 
 plorations, and then cut clown the size of his 
 pieces of ice fifty per cent. But speaking of 
 ice -men, how inadequate, after .all, is our 
 vaunted system of cold storage. I speak, 
 gentlemen, ex cathedra, having been the orig 
 inator and president of the Scranton Fresh 
 Bear Supply Co. We raised black bears, 
 and put fresh bear- meat on the market in 
 car-load lots, whether bears were in season or 
 not. I will tell you about it in a moment." 
 
 Jones leaned back in a chair and puffed at 
 his cigar with an air of blended expectation 
 and resignation. At the end of one minute 
 he remarked, simply, " Well ?" 
 
 " Well what ?" demanded Jackson Peters, 
 sharply. 
 
 " We are waiting, Jackson, for the story of 
 an uncle of yours who invented a canary-bird 
 cage which could be used as a rat - trap at 
 night." 
 
 "There was never anything of the kind in 
 the family " answered Jackson Peters, with a 
 suspicion of indignation. 
 
 "Indeed? I anticipated that a direct ref- 
 
THE FRESH BEAR CO. 79 
 
 erence to black bears would remind you of 
 canary-bird cages. But to our story. It was 
 at Scranton, Pennsylvania, the State bear 
 headquarters. In fact, Scranton is the wild- 
 animal capital of the United States. -At no 
 other place are they so intelligent. I was 
 once, eight miles north of Scranton, jostled 
 by two black bears while a third picked my 
 pocket of a tobacco-pouch and sixty cents in 
 change. You may well look interested, Jack 
 son ; that is worth remembering. A young 
 man of your age can learn many valuable 
 facts by listening quietly to my conversation. 
 Still, I never had an uncle who invented a 
 folding-bed which could be used as a sloop- 
 yacht in the daytime, utilizing the sheets for 
 sails, and the space under the mattress for 
 storing the champagne. 
 
 "But we did not have to do with the wild 
 bears except to make a beginning. We caught 
 one hundred prime black bears and started a 
 bear ranch. At the end of four years we had 
 live thousand head of bear. We began to 
 put them on the market, and the Scranton 
 Supply Co. s bear-meat became famous in 
 this country and Europe. But we found our 
 profits largely eaten up by several peculiarities 
 of the business. Our bears all became beau- 
 
80 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 tifully fat in the fall, but to keep them so ami 
 supply the year-around demand which had 
 sprung up was expensive. We tried raising 
 the price, but the public would not stand it, 
 and many people ceased to buy our meat. 
 We tried cold storage for our bear -meat, 
 but this our customers also objected to, de 
 manding absolutely fresh meat. Indeed, lo 
 cal butchers soon came to insist on having the 
 live bear shipped directly to them. When we 
 abandoned cold storage we found ourselves 
 fifty thousand dollars in debt, and with two 
 thousand fat bears on hand ready for the 
 abattoir, and practically no demand for bear 
 at remunerative prices. I may say, gen 
 tlemen, that it was not a good day for 
 b ar. 
 
 "At this juncture the president of the 
 company arose and took complete control 
 of affairs with a firm hand. I think I men 
 tioned the fact that I was the president. I 
 asked for unlimited authority, and the stock 
 holders gave it to me. I turned to the aban 
 doned cold-storage warehouse, started up the 
 ice-machines, and although it was in June, 
 reduced the temperature inside to five below 
 zero. In the meantime I had procured from 
 the woods around Scranton two thousand 
 
JONES IS BUNCOED BY THE SCRANTON BEARS 
 
THE FRESH BEAR CO. 81 
 
 hollow logs. These I placed in the cold- 
 storage warehouse. I then drove in our two 
 thousand fat bears. They sniffed the air once 
 or twice, growled a little, and began nosing 
 around among the logs. They thought they 
 saw that a hard winter was upon them, and, 
 gentlemen, each one of those intelligent ani 
 mals crawled into a hollow log and began to 
 hibernate. By keeping the temperature at 
 the same low point we found we could leave 
 a bear there for any length of time we chose 
 three months, six months, one year, two 
 y ears an d he would come out as fat and 
 fresh as when he went in. When we got an 
 order from a butcher we would nail a cover 
 over the hole in the log and ship it to him 
 with the bear inside, like a silk hat in a paste 
 board box. The butcher could, if he wished, 
 put him in cold storage and keep him still 
 longer. We advertised our bears as hiber 
 nated at the ranch, and at the end of two 
 years I retired from the company with eighty 
 thousand dollars in cash." 
 
 Jones rose, walked firmly to the mantel, 
 and helped himself to a match. The voice of 
 Jackson Peters was heard in the room, as he 
 sniffed the air, and said: " I suppose you lost 
 it raising rabbits to slaughter during the dark 
 
8^ THK ADVENTURES OF JOXKs 
 
 of the moon in a convenient cemetery for 
 their left hind-feet, eh ?" 
 
 "Young man, I didn t lose that money at 
 all. I went to Chicago and began the pub 
 lication of pocket Testaments for the Iowa 
 trade. I had strong competition in the Iowa 
 Family Supply Company, but as its Testa 
 ments held only a pint, while mine would 
 all hold a quart, I got the bulk of the trade, 
 and doubled my money inside of eighteen 
 
 * / O 
 
 months." 
 
XV 
 
 UNIQUE EXPERIENCE ON LAKE SUPERIOR 
 
 IN some way the conversation had drifted 
 around to the subject of college education. 
 
 " No one," said Jackson Peters, " can es 
 teem college training higher than I do, but 
 it s a fact, nevertheless, that a man can ac 
 quire a liberal education by keeping his ears 
 open. For instance, a month ago, when I 
 was in Chicago, a man at the hotel told me 
 of an interesting fact which, I presume, has 
 never penetrated the school-rooms. He lived 
 on the north shore of Lake Superior, near 
 Frontenac River, a stream about sixty miles 
 long. Last winter this river froze solidly to 
 the bottom. 
 
 " Water, as you know, expands about one- 
 eleventh of its bulk when it freezes. Now, 
 the lake being frozen also, this river could 
 not expand in that direction, consequently 
 the expansion all went in the other, and its 
 head-waters pushed out on the prairie between 
 
y4 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 five and six miles, and lie there yet, slowly 
 melting in the spring sun, an average of sixty 
 feet wide and twenty feet high." 
 
 " Jackson," said Jones, with considerable 
 vigor, "the fellow imposed on you. I know 
 that Frontenac River. I spent two winters 
 on the north shore, and the idea of the sharp 
 end of that stream shoving out across the 
 country like an animated icicle is absurd. 
 Of course it freezes to the bottom, and of 
 course it expands, but the spring which forms 
 its source is under a high hill, consequently 
 that river cannot snake itself over the prairie 
 on its stomach, however much it may want 
 to. What it does do when it freezes and ex 
 pands is to hump itself up like a satchel 
 handle and stand all winter with its back two 
 hundred feet in the air. In this condition it 
 makes the finest toboggan slide I ever saw, 
 and it shines like a frozen rainbow." 
 
 " Maybe the man did impose on me," said 
 Jackson Peters, in a sarcastic tone. " I am 
 young. But I am glad that I have got back 
 among friends who will respect my innocence 
 and guilelessness." 
 
 " You spent some time in the Superior 
 country, eh ?" said Robinson, as a diplomatic 
 way out of the threatened trouble. 
 
UNIQUE EXPERIENCE ON LAKE SUPERIOR 85 
 
 " Four or five years," answered Jones, care 
 lessly. "Part of it on the south shore, how 
 ever. It s a cold country. Prime Kentucky 
 whiskey from December to March has the 
 appearance of maple sugar. I had a trading- 
 post one winter on Isle Royale. One night 
 wolves attacked me. I soon exhausted my 
 supply of bullets, and certainly would have 
 been devoured had I not bethought me to 
 break a dozen thermometers and use the con 
 gealed mercury in the bulbs for rifle-balls." 
 
 " You must have had many other interest 
 ing experiences," said Smith encouragingly. 
 
 " Oh, life there had its passing incidents, 
 of course, though, on the whole, it was mo 
 notonous. One winter I carried the mail 
 from Marquette to Copper Harbor, Keweenaw 
 Point, both on the Michigan peninsula. They 
 are about sixty miles apart, and I drove the 
 entire distance on Lake Superior. There was 
 no snow that winter, and the ice was from 
 three to four feet thick. I used to start be 
 fore sunrise, as it was a long drive. 
 
 "But, after all, it was less formidable than 
 it would seem, as the ice was smooth as glass, 
 and I used a light cutter with thin runners, 
 and carried usually only one or two mail- 
 sacks and half a dozen small express pack- 
 
86 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 ages. My best horse, and the one I drove the 
 most, was named Lightning Streak. He was 
 a tall, powerful, long-legged beast, a good 
 trotter, and remarkably intelligent. 
 
 " It was an exceptionally cold winter, the 
 mercury making but few and timid excursions 
 above zero. One morning in the latter part 
 of January I started as usual from Marquette, 
 intending to make the return trip the next 
 day. But I was not feeling as well as usual, 
 having sat up the entire night working on a 
 new invention, an improved night-latch for 
 club-men and diners-out, in which the key 
 protruded three or four inches from the door, 
 the user carrying the hole in his pocket, and 
 readily slipping it over the key even after 
 the most enjoyable dinner. I soon found 
 myself very sleepy. 
 
 "There was a fresh west wind and the air 
 was cold, but the sky was perfectly clear. 
 My road lay straight to the northwest, and 
 though it consisted of a mere scratch on the 
 glare ice, I did not doubt the ability of the 
 Streak to follow it. Accordingly, just as the 
 sun rose, making quivering diamonds of the 
 dancing frost crystals in the air, I snuggled 
 down in my furs and went sound to sleep. 
 
 "My intention was to take a nap of a 
 
UNIQUE EXPERIENCE ON LAKE SUPERIOR 87 
 
 couple of hours, but what was my astonish 
 ment when I awoke and discovered that it 
 was three o clock in the afternoon. I looked 
 forward for the headland of Keweenaw 
 Point, but was dumfounded not to find it. 
 Nor was land anywhere in sight ; and I soon 
 discovered that I was off the road, and travel 
 ling somewhat east of north. 
 
 " The whole thing Hashed upon me. The 
 intelligent animal, not liking to face the cold 
 wind, had borne off to the right and carried 
 me all day as fast as he could go towards the 
 British possessions. I brought the valuable 
 beast to a stop and considered the situation. 
 
 "I own, gentlemen, that the prospect did 
 not please me. The thermometer on my dash 
 board showed twenty degrees below zero, 
 and as I stood there the wind freshened and 
 veered to the northwest. I knew the mer 
 cury would sink twenty degrees lower before 
 morning, and that to remain on the ice all 
 night meant to perish. I estimated that I 
 was fifty miles from the Canadian shore and 
 seventy-five from Copper Harbor, my desti 
 nation. But the north shore was utterly bar 
 ren, so I knew that I must make Copper Har 
 bor, and make it before dark, as the sky was 
 becoming overcast and a blizzard threatened. 
 
88 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 I saw that I had about one hour in which to 
 cover this seventy-five miles. There are men, 
 I suppose, who would have despaired ; but I 
 faced the problem with resolution. 
 
 "I got out of my cutter and patted Light 
 ning Streak encouragingly on the neck. It 
 had just occurred to me that among my par 
 cels of express was a bundle of skates. I 
 broke this open, selected two pairs, and in 
 five minutes had a skate firmly attached to 
 each one of the animal s feet. I got into the 
 cutter hastily, faced him about, gave him a 
 sharp cut with the whip, and we were off. 
 
 " Of course he made some awkward motions 
 at first, and nearly fell once or twice; but he 
 soon got control of himself and started like a 
 cannon-ball, leaning forward and reaching out 
 with a long swing which covered one hun 
 dred feet at every stride. It was the fastest 
 travelling I ever did behind a horse. Ten 
 minutes after sunset I noticed a speck a half- 
 mile ahead. As we drew nearer I saw that 
 it was an arctic or snowy owl flying some 
 seven or eight feet from the ground in ex 
 actly the same direction we were going. 
 This owl, as you know, is one of the most 
 rapid fliers known to ornithologists. As we 
 passed under it I reached up and plucked a 
 
UNIQUE EXPERIENCE ON LAKE SUPERIOR 89 
 
 single quill from its tail for a memento. I 
 looked back, and I must say that I have sel 
 dom seen a more astonished owl. 
 
 " We dashed on, the Streak s skates ring 
 ing on the ice like the shriek of locomotive 
 whistles. Gentlemen, in precisely one hour 
 to the second I sighted the lights of Copper 
 Harbor, and six minutes later I took off the 
 animal s skates on the beach and proceeded 
 to the post -office. I drove the rest of the 
 winter with skates exclusively, and the Streak 
 before spring did one hundred miles in one 
 hour, and covered a measured mile in thirty- 
 one seconds. I have the owl quill yet, and 
 intend to use it some day in writing my 
 memoirs." 
 
 "Jones," said Jackson Peters, "I presume 
 you neglect to mention that it ruined your 
 valuable horse for summer driving at a trot." 
 
 " My young friend," answered Jones, "if 
 you could have seen Lightning Streak next 
 summer doing his sixty-five miles an hour on 
 roller-skates you wouldn t talk that way." 
 
XVI 
 
 TEX WEEKS IN AFRICA 
 
 " JONES," said Robinson, "isn t it some 
 what odd that you have never been abroad ?" 
 
 " But I have been abroad," answered Jones. 
 
 " Is that so ? Well, then, isn t it odd that 
 you never had any adventures there?" 
 
 "I don t know as I can truthfully say that 
 I ever had any adventures anywhere, Robin 
 son. There have been incidents in my life of 
 which I am weak enough to tell my friends, 
 but my adventures have been few or none at 
 all. Our young friend, here, Jackson Peters, 
 is the man who has had adventures. Think 
 of the night the bottom dropped out of his 
 cab, and he ran inside of the vehicle for two 
 miles before he could make the driver hear." 
 
 Jackson smiled in a sort of a forced way, 
 intended rather to express inward pain than 
 pleasure, and said, apparently addressing the 
 ceiling : 
 
 " I am curious to know if Robinson s un- 
 
TEN WEEKS IN AFRICA 91 
 
 guarded reference to abroad is going to 
 produce a Greenland tale of catching a polar- 
 bear by the hind-legs and making him walk 
 about like a wheelbarrow, or bring forth an 
 account of playing seven-up with gorillas in 
 Africa." 
 
 "I propose sticking to Africa to-night, Jack 
 son," answered Jones, with the utmost com 
 placency. " I think I ve already told you 
 of being hired several years ago by the Phila 
 delphia Rights of Savages Society to go to 
 Africa and investigate the condition of the 
 small and medium-sized dwarfs. The society 
 had heard that they were suffering great in 
 dignities from having to cut down and wear 
 the cast-off clothes of the standard-gauge na 
 tives. I called a meeting of the savages, as 
 sorted sizes, and found that none of them, big 
 or little, had ever heard of clothes, and so 
 reported to the society, much to its relief ; 
 though I understand that it has since begun 
 sending to Africa a garment which will pass 
 as a jacket for the big fellows, a Prince Al 
 bert for the mediums, and an ulster for the 
 dwarf varieties. 
 
 " This trip made me interested in Africa, 
 and I went back to do a little exploring. I 
 soon came to those dense forests which other 
 
92 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 explorers, more given to rushing into print 
 than I, have told you about. I found it slow 
 travelling in them, since the trees are so close 
 together that the sunlight never penetrates 
 their interwoven tops. But I soon rendered 
 matters all easy-going by making large 
 Indian snow-shoes for myself and men out 
 of light bent wood and thongs of rawhide. 
 Then we all climbed a tree, got up on top of 
 the forest, and found the walking very good 
 after we became accustomed to the snow 
 or, rather, the tree shoes. In this way we 
 proceeded rapidly, and passed over several 
 warlike tribes, both mammoth and early dwarf, 
 without their knowing anything about it. 
 
 " But I soon became tired of exploring, es 
 pecially when I began to come upon other ex 
 plorers, and saw them scurry off, while they 
 shouted for me to go way, thinking that I 
 was coming to rescue them. I saw that the 
 business was overdone. I accordingly re 
 turned to this country. Here I organized the 
 Jones African Trading Company and the 
 Jones African Lecture Bureau, and again 
 went back to the Dark Continent. As presi 
 dent of the Trading Company I strove to 
 reach both the natives and the explorers by 
 putting on the market for the former a su- 
 
TEN WEEKS IN AFRICA 93 
 
 perior nose-ring, warranted to hold as long as 
 the nose stayed on, and for the latter several 
 improved varieties of sporting rifles, lecture- 
 manuscript paper, and fountain - pens. I 
 found great difficulty in working up busi 
 ness, owing to the lack of advertising facili 
 ties. For a long time I was at a loss what 
 to do. I tried posters on the trees, but the 
 forest was so dark they couldn t be read. 
 Out on the plains there was nothing to attach 
 a poster to. I tried handbills, and hired a 
 small seedling dwarf to stand at the cross 
 roads and give them to the explorers and 
 rescuers as they chased each other by, but he 
 threw them away and decamped with the 
 money. I was on the point of giving up, 
 when, as I was one day watching a large herd 
 of elephants, a bright idea struck me. < We ll 
 bill the elephants ! I exclaimed to my men. 
 And we did. 
 
 " Elephants, as you know, are very sound 
 sleepers, so I was sure it would not be diffi 
 cult to bill them in the night. I accordingly 
 went out with my men that night, taking a 
 large roll of posters and a barrel of paste. In 
 two hours we had the entire herd billed with 
 out one of them waking up, though when the 
 wet paste-brush slapped up and down their 
 
94 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 sides some of them stirred a little, perhaps 
 dreaming that they were in a barber-shop 
 getting shaved. We attached a file-hook full 
 of small bills to the tail of each, so that in 
 terested persons could help themselves, and 
 then retired to camp and went to bed. 
 
 "The next morning this herd of five hun 
 dred elephants scattered about, each bearing 
 a big poster on one side reading : 
 
 Try the Celebrated Jones Nose-Ring. 
 NON-JERK-OUT. 
 
 Stylish and Comfortable. Agents Wanted. 
 
 And on the other side this : 
 
 For Africa Jones s Sporting Rifle. 
 For America Jones s Lecture Bureau. 
 Warranted to fdch the Natives in either case ! 
 
 We were much pleased at seeing many inter 
 ested persons snatch a small bill as the ele 
 phants switched their tails and fluttered the 
 bunches in the air. 
 
 "I immediately began to bill elephants 
 
JONES S ELEPHANT PRODUCES EXCITEMENT AMONG READERS 
 
TEN WEEKS IN AFRICA 95 
 
 right and left, and soon an animal without 
 my posters was a novel sight. The attempt 
 to make similar bill-boards out of the hippo 
 potami failed, because they went into the 
 water and soaked off the literature ; but with 
 a large stencil and oil-paints we readily placed 
 our advertising with them after all. I found 
 them, too, a valuable medium, reaching read 
 ers along the rivers where the elephants did 
 not circulate. My liberal use of pachyder 
 matous space soon began to bear fruit, and 
 business revived. In two months I had closed 
 out my entire stock of rifles and nose-rings, 
 and booked three-fourths of the explorers and 
 rescuers for lecture tours. Then I came home 
 and boomed the lectures, advertising in the 
 newspapers rather than on elephants. I con 
 sider the newspapers the best advertising me 
 dium we have in this country ; but, after all, 
 a newspaper doesn t move about like an ele 
 phant." 
 
 "I think, Jones," said Jackson Peters, 
 " that you deserve our thanks for the remark 
 able self-restraint you have shown this even 
 ing in not hanging lithographs on the zebras 
 and putting sandwich-boards on the giraffes." 
 
 "Your uncle would have done those things, 
 Jackson I mean the uncle you told us about 
 
96 THE ADVENTURES OF JOXKs 
 
 the other evening who projected the Peters 
 Duckling Natatorium, that ingenious and ef 
 ficient apparatus for teaching young ducks 
 the art of swimming. Your uncle missed a 
 great career when lie neglected Africa and 
 stuck to Puddleford Centre, New Hamp 
 shire." 
 
XVII 
 
 AT PORT HUDSON 
 
 " JOXES," said Robinson, "isn t it odd that 
 you do not tell us more of your army ex 
 periences ? Your somewhat fast ride on the 
 shell at Gettysburg is the only incident that 
 I remember your ever mentioning." 
 
 " I led a rather quiet life in the army," an 
 swered Jones, slowly, and apparently letting 
 his mind wander back over the half-forgot 
 ten scenes. "I had no horses shot from un 
 der me. By-the-way, it has always seemed 
 to me that we owe an inestimable and little 
 recognized debt to the attraction of gravita 
 tion. If it had not been for this salutary 
 force, the air of many states, at the end of 
 the late war, would have been well-nigh filled 
 with able brigadier-generals whose horses had 
 been shot from under them and who had not 
 been hauled down yet. But nature provides 
 for every emergency." 
 
US T1IE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 "You were in the cavalry arm of the ser 
 vice, were you not ?" asked Smith. 
 
 "Principally, though I was connected at 
 different times with the infantry and artillery 
 as well," answered Jones, guardedly. "My 
 service with the cavalry was with the Six 
 teenth Minnesota, as you remember. I had 
 a fine horse, which I called Hot Cakes. He 
 was a very quick horse. One day when the 
 bugle sounded the charge he started so sud 
 denly that his tail dropped off." 
 
 " Now hold on, Jones," said Jackson Peters, 
 firmly; "that won t do. I ve heard that 
 story before." 
 
 "No doubt, Jackson, no doubt," replied 
 Jones with the greatest blandness. " The 
 whole brigade saw the incident happen, and 
 it became a subject of common discussion all 
 over the country. Perhaps you got it from 
 the history you studied at school. Bancroft 
 mentions it." 
 
 "My service with the artillery," continued 
 Jones, " while lacking the dash of my con 
 nection with the cavalry, was really of much 
 more importance to the country. I became 
 interested in the artillery through so often 
 charging up to the cannon s mouth. Rush 
 ing fiercely up to the cannon s mouth, and, 
 
AT PORT HUDSON 99 
 
 as it were, examining its back teeth, is no 
 child s play, as you may imagine ; and after 
 a year s acquaintance with this disagreeable 
 and petulant end of the cannon I determined 
 to get into touch with the other end, and ac 
 cordingly got transferred to the artillery. I 
 soon found myself a colonel, and in charge 
 of a small battery. 
 
 " At the siege of Port Hudson an incident 
 occurred which may be worth repeating, for 
 the benefit of Jackson, at least, who, by his 
 interest in the sudden start of my horse Hot 
 Cakes shows that he is not averse to storing 
 his mind with facts having a military value. 
 It was during the first day s bombardment 
 that my attention was attracted to the small 
 amount of apparent injury inflicted on the 
 enemy in return for the expenditure in labor, 
 ammunition, and noise. That night it hap 
 pened that I did not sleep well, my throat 
 being hot and parched from lack of water, 
 the tin cup having been shot out of my hand 
 every time I had tried to take a drink all 
 day. While tossing on my feverish cot I con 
 ceived the notion that the difficulty with my 
 battery at least was that the projectiles were 
 not heavy enough. At the first streak of 
 light, my tent having been shot out of exist- 
 
100 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 ence during the night, I walked away from 
 my cot, summoned my orderly, and made a 
 requisition for a certain eight-inch steel shaft 
 which I happened to know was within our lines. 
 It had been taken from a dismantled iron 
 clad, where it had served as the ram, and was 
 but a short piece some six or seven feet long. 
 My heaviest gun was an eight-inch smooth 
 bore, and I had decided to use this shaft as 
 a projectile, and tear a breach through the 
 enemy which would hopelessly cripple him. 
 
 " At about six o clock the piece of ram 
 was brought to me. I instantly caused a 
 double charge of powder to be inserted in 
 the eight -inch gun, and then had the shaft 
 forced home on top of it. It was a close fit, 
 which pleased me, as it assured accuracy in 
 firing, and if my aim was good, I doubted 
 not to do terrible execution. We were be 
 hind earthworks, on a bluff overlooking the 
 enemy s position. My guns pointed down 
 ward at a small but noticeable angle. At 
 eight o clock the bombardment opened sharp 
 ly all along the line. It was the heaviest fir 
 ing I ever experienced. I worked the re 
 mainder of my battery vigorously for half 
 an hour, then I determined to give the enemy 
 my eight-inch. I had decided to aim the 
 
JONES TOUCHED THE VENT WITH HIS CIGAR 
 
AT PORT HUDSON 101 
 
 piece myself. Stepping to it I leaned for 
 ward against the breech, put my head down 
 closely, and aimed with the greatest care. 
 My nerve was firm as iron. I felt that the 
 moment for crushing the rebellion had come. 
 The aim was perfect. I touched the vent 
 with my cigar. 
 
 "Gentlemen, I have to confess to a mis 
 calculation. Though possessing a thorough 
 knowledge of gunnery, I had made the mis 
 take of having my projectile heavier than 
 my gun. As a consequence the projectile 
 rested where it was and the gun shot back. 
 I was clinging to the breech and went with 
 it. The trajectory which we, the cannon and 
 I, described, was said to be very beautiful, 
 and was observed by the entire army. We 
 struck the ground about three miles back of 
 the Union lines. Leaving the unfortunate 
 piece of ordnance where it fell, I returned to 
 my battery." 
 
 " Then your idea was of no practical val 
 ue ?" said Robinson, as Jones paused. 
 
 " On the contrary, it ended the siege. The 
 next day General Banks reversed every can 
 non in our lines, loaded them with shafting, 
 and threw them into the enemy with such ef- 
 
102 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 feet that what little was left of him surren 
 dered." 
 
 " Does Bancroft mention this ?" asked Jack 
 son Peters, softly. 
 
 " Bancroft wasn t there, and knew nothing 
 about it," answered Jones. 
 
XVIII 
 
 THE LEVIATHAN TRANSPORTATION LINE 
 
 " IT is strange," said Jones, reflectively, as 
 he puffed vigorously at his cigar, " that Jack 
 son Peters never tells us of any more of his 
 ideas for inventions. The last thing he men 
 tioned was his ingenious notion of putting 
 hinges on the trunks of orchard trees, so that 
 in case of high wind they could be turned 
 down. You never perfected that plan, did 
 you, Jackson ?" and Jones looked at the 
 young man w r ith great apparent interest. 
 
 " The thing could be done," answered Pe 
 ters, as if Jones had cast doubts on its prac 
 ticability. "And it would be a great boon 
 to fruit-growers in Kansas and other draughty 
 parts of the country. Lately I ve been won 
 dering that more progress is not made by in 
 ventors in the line of submarine war-boats. 
 If the fish idea won t work, why not take the 
 duck as the living prototype of a vessel, and 
 produce something which can dive, at least." 
 
104 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 "Your notion is of a boat which can dive 
 to escape the enemy, and then peck a hole in 
 his hull with its beak, eh?" remarked Jones. 
 
 " Well yes," assented Jackson Peters. 
 
 " Would you have it web-footed, and con 
 struct it so it could get out and waddle on 
 the beach in connection with land forces?" 
 
 " You are not taking this thing seriously, 
 Jones." 
 
 "But I am. And wings, Jackson give 
 your duck war-ship wings. Then if it gets 
 caught in shallow water by a superior force, 
 it can rise up and fly away, giving vent to 
 loud and defiant quacks on a steam-quacker." 
 
 "Perhaps you re right," said Jackson, wea 
 rily. "No doubt about it, in fact." 
 
 " I have been detected in the neighborhood 
 of right ideas," admitted Jones. "Possibly 
 you could get some marine hints from an ac 
 count of my experience with the New York 
 and Boston Leviathan Towing and Transpor 
 tation Line, which I operated in the late six 
 ties. You remember the line, Robinson?" 
 
 Robinson answered " Yes," without a 
 blush. 
 
 "One night after I went to bed," contin 
 ued Jones, "it occurred to me that though 
 hundreds of land animals are of use to man 
 
THE LEVIATHAN TRANSPORTATION LINE 105 
 
 while living, not one of the sea animals had 
 ever been put to any practical use till dead. 
 It seemed probable that the most useful pur 
 pose to which living land animals was put 
 by man was as draught animals, of which we 
 may take the horse and the ox as examples. 
 Why were not the animals of the sea used 
 for draught purposes? I became so excited 
 that I lay awake all night thinking about it. 
 The result was the New York and Boston 
 Leviathan Towing and Transportation Line. 
 "During all of mv life to think has been 
 
 O */ 
 
 to act, therefore you need not be surprised 
 to know that in a month I had left New Bed 
 ford on a chartered whaling steamer looking 
 for whales. I had decided that the whale 
 was the animal most suited to my purpose. 
 Off the coast of Labrador we sighted a large 
 school of whales. Fortunately it was a graded 
 school, so to say, consisting of true whales, 
 Greenland whales, humpbacked whales, fin- 
 backed whales, spermaceti whales, and so 
 forth. We had considerable trouble in driv 
 ing them at first, but I rigged up a fog-horn 
 with a reed so it would say shoo, and they 
 soon learned what it meant, and we worked 
 them along down the coast by easy stages. 
 A good many of the more skittish ran back, 
 
106 THE ADVENTURES OF JUNES 
 
 and I thought at one time that I might have 
 to send a tug ahead with a herring on the end 
 of a stick to coax the m ; but we finally got 
 them down to Gardiner s Bay, Long Island, 
 and grounded them in the shallow water. 
 
 "Of course it has always been self-evident 
 that the whale would make a splendid driv 
 ing animal if he could be controlled. The 
 most important and hardest thing was clearly 
 to keep him from diving. A careful study 
 showed me that the whale could not dive 
 without putting his head down ; therefore 
 all that was needed was a check -rein suffi 
 ciently strong to restrain him in that respect. 
 I selected a right whale about seventy -five 
 feet long, which I had noticed was a good 
 traveller, and proceeded to harness him. I 
 put a bit about four inches in diameter in his 
 mouth, with ten-foot cheek-rings on each end. 
 From this bit I ran a hawser along his back 
 and around the part of his tail where the 
 flukes are joined to the body. I then put on 
 a large collar, attached a sand-barge by four- 
 inch wire cables, and turned him towards 
 deep water for a trial spin. 
 
 " Naturally, of course, that whale did not 
 readily take to harness. He reared up, rolled 
 over, charged ahead, struck out fiercely with 
 
THE LEVIATHAN TRANSPORTATION LINE 107 
 
 his flukes, blew a stream of water like an 
 artesian well, and otherwise misbehaved. His 
 efforts to dive were something startling, but 
 the check-rein held, and he finally gave it up. 
 
 "I had wire-cable reins connected with the 
 wheel in the pilot-house, and stood there and 
 guided him, occasionally touching him up 
 with a bamboo fishing-pole. In two hours 
 he drove fairly well, and in a week was fully 
 broken, though he always remained hard- 
 mouthed, and was never what you might call 
 a lady s whale. 
 
 " I then went ahead and broke the others 
 of the school to harness. I found the Green- 
 lands made the best draught animals, and I 
 used them in towing lighters, canal-boats, 
 barges, and so forth, either driving them 
 single or two abreast. The fin-backs, I soon 
 discovered, were the best driving beasts, be 
 ing light, ran gey, and stylish. I took a 
 young and quick-stroke fin-back for my own 
 private use, and used him on my yacht. He 
 was a free driver, a little inclined to shy at 
 light-houses and promontories, but gentle 
 as a kitten. He could throw spray in the 
 face of any other whale along the coast. He 
 was better on a smooth track like the Sound, 
 but did not make a bad showing outside 
 
108 "IK ADVENTURES OF JO\K> 
 
 where the track was heavy. He was always 
 rather nervous about being hitched up, and 
 it usually took two men to get him into the 
 shafts." 
 
 Jones paused as if there was no more to 
 tell. 
 
 " But," said Jackson Peters, " I fail to find 
 any notice of the New York and Boston Le 
 viathan Towing and Transportation Line in 
 the classified newspaper advertisements, either 
 under the head of Shipping or Transporta 
 tion. 
 
 " You should look under the heading of 
 Whales coastwise. However, you wouldn t 
 find it there, either, now. I gave up the busi 
 ness on account of the continued opposition 
 of the steamship people. They made various 
 ridiculous charges, and got the Society for 
 the Prevention of Cruelty to* Animals ex 
 cited. The absurd cry was set up that my 
 check-reins were cruel, and that I was dock 
 ing the flukes of my driving animals. They 
 also got a law enacted requiring me to stop 
 every fifty miles and feed my whales out of a 
 nose-bag made from a balloon something ut 
 terly uncalled for. The charge of fast driv 
 ing was likewise made against me, and a law 
 passed prohibiting a speed of above forty-five 
 

 JOXES EXERCISES THE FIX- RACK 
 
THE LEVIATHAN TRANSPORTATION LINE H)}) 
 
 miles an hour. Finally I gave the whole 
 scheme up, and turned my whales loose. I 
 am essentially a man of peace, esteeming 
 quietude above all things. Strife is as dis 
 tasteful to me as untruth. The whales lapsed 
 into barbarism, but did not utterly forget 
 their cunning. Two years later, when the 
 bark Curlew s Call tried to take my fin-back, 
 off the coast of Greenland, he dodged the 
 harpoon, took it in his mouth like a tooth 
 pick, and punched the boats so full of holes 
 with it that they looked like nutmeg-graters." 
 
XIX 
 
 TIGERS 
 
 " I VE just been reading," said Jackson Pe 
 ters, " of an unfortunate family in Tennessee. 
 Two escaped circus tigers have got into the 
 cellar of their house, and are roaring and fight 
 ing and bumping their heads up against the 
 floor. None of the family dare go down cel 
 lar, and they are wondering what they are 
 going to do about it." 
 
 " Still," remarked Jones, " the tiger is a 
 comparatively tractable animal. As is so 
 often the case, it is the mild power which 
 triumphs, and a tiger becomes a mere play 
 thing when you know how to go at him. You 
 remember my telling you of when I lived in 
 Australia and got the government reward o f 
 ten thousand pounds for the best rabbit-de 
 stroyer by simply painting a black spot on the 
 end of a number of logs and allowing the in 
 telligent animals to dash their brains out in 
 
TIGERS 111 
 
 trying to rush into the apparently hollow tree 
 trunks." 
 
 "But the difference, Jones, between the 
 cotton-tail rabbit and the man-eating tiger is 
 fairly perceptible to the eye of the trained 
 observer," returned Jackson Peters. 
 
 "To the man who is at home with animals, 
 neither amounts to any more than one of those 
 cotton -flannel dogs with shoe -button eyes 
 which you see in toy-stores. I met your man- 
 eating tiger when I lived in India, and found 
 him an amiable beast. His purr is loud and 
 disagreeable, and he is too big to make a suc 
 cessful monser, but otherwise I liked him. 
 
 " While in India I lived in the Bugaboohoo 
 country, which was badly infested by tigers, 
 all of them, seemingly, with the man-eating 
 habit. My bungalow was not far from the 
 Muddi River, which was bordered by dense 
 and in many places impassable jungles. I 
 was conducting a coffee plantation, and the 
 tigers had a habit of carrying off my work 
 men to such an extent that it was like having 
 a Debs strike on my hands all the while. I 
 endured it for some time, and then decided 
 to calmly yet firmly rid the district of tigers. 
 
 " I had made a close study of the tiger and 
 knew his habits thoroughly. As you may re- 
 
113 THE ADVENTURES OF JOXES 
 
 member, a tiger comes out of his lair at about 
 sundown and prepares to make a night of it, 
 much as the domestic cat too often does. The 
 first thing he does is to tune up Ins voice by 
 a series of raspings on his vocal cords. Then 
 he scratches off a few square yards of bark 
 from a convenient tree, lashes his sides with 
 his tail, and goes down to the river and takes 
 a drink, after which the real sport of the 
 night opens, and he begins to look for likely 
 men. For several evenings I watched a dozen 
 large and ferocious man-eaters come down to 
 the river for their preliminary drink. Though 
 in no way banded together, they all came at 
 about the same time and drank at the same 
 spot. I knew that each of them had killed 
 a score of my workmen, besides many other 
 people, and I determined that I would take 
 them into camp and hang their rugs on my 
 fence. 
 
 " For several days I hit on no satisfactoiy 
 plan for accomplishing this, but one after 
 noon while sitting on my veranda watching 
 the family cat and her kittens disporting 
 themselves amid a bed of catnip which grew 
 in my garden, the seed for which I had taken 
 from this country, the whole thing flashed 
 upon me. Cutting an armful of the plant, 
 
JONES ENGAGED IN DECORATING THE TIGER 
 
TIGERS 113 
 
 and taking a ball of twine, I proceeded im 
 mediately to the drinking-place of the tigers, 
 and concealed myself in the tall grass. 
 
 " I had not been there above ten minutes 
 when a large and apparently old tiger came 
 down the path. He paused in front of me 
 and began lapping up the water with his 
 tongue, while his tail stretched on the ground 
 behind him. I reached out, and with a bit of 
 string securely tied a good-sized bunch of the 
 catnip to the end of his tail. He finished 
 drinking and turned, licking his chops and 
 glaring about for members of the Coffee-hoers 
 Federated Union. As he did so he caught 
 sight of the bouquet on the end of his tail. 
 He drew it around and sniffed at it. Then 
 he took a nip of it, and an expression which 
 was almost a smile spread over his face. He 
 sat down, took the whole bunch in his mouth, 
 and began chewing it, all the time roaring 
 harsh but pleased purrs out of the corners of 
 his mouth. 
 
 "Gentlemen, I will not weary you, but in 
 a half-hour I had fourteen royal Bengal man- 
 eating tigers sitting about, with the ends of 
 their tails in their mouths, chewing catnip and 
 purring at the top of their voices. It was a 
 new experience for the beasts, the plant not 
 
114 TIIK ADYK.VITKKS OF .JONES 
 
 being indigenous to India, and for the time 
 being it brought on a state of ecstasy which 
 completely deprived them of their self-con 
 trol. I picked up a short stick and drove 
 them before me to my bungalow as if they 
 had been sheep, each animal keeping his tail 
 in his mouth. I guided them into an enclos 
 ure back of my house, where, you may be 
 sure, my men took great pleasure in despatch 
 ing them. The fourteen rugs I sent to friends 
 in this country." 
 
 " Why did you leave India?" asked Robin 
 son. 
 
 " A year later the Coffee-hoers Federated 
 Union set up the cry that killing the tigers 
 had allowed the ranks of the working-men to 
 increase to such an extent that it was impossi 
 ble longer to make a living, so they boycotted 
 me. They called me a plutocrat who was 
 sucking the life-blood of the country, and I 
 had to leave in the night." 
 
XX 
 
 IN HIGH LATITUDES 
 
 THE conversation, gently but impercepti 
 bly moulded by the crafty Jones, had drifted 
 around to the subject of fear, and no sooner 
 was it well grounded than he announced 
 boldly that he felt impelled to confess that 
 he was once genuinely and unmistakably 
 scared. 
 
 "On that occasion," he went on, "I knew 
 what it was to be frightened, to feel an unut 
 terable sense of terror, and to give way to it. 
 Of course, in my life, which, as you know, has 
 been an active one, and not without its stir 
 ring and even exciting incidents, I have often 
 known what it is to be embarrassed, or even 
 alarmed, but I never gave way to the blind 
 animal instinct of fright but once ; and the 
 consequences might have been so disastrous 
 that I have never allowed it to happen again. 
 It is not flattering to one s self-esteem to feel 
 that one was saved by chance." 
 
H6 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 "It seems to me," said Jackson Peters, 
 " that you have been saved by chance a great 
 many times, according to your own story. 
 How about the time in Africa when you 
 woke up and found the elephant preparing 
 to lie down on you for the night?" 
 
 " I rolled out of the way and went back to 
 sleep," answered Jones. "No luck about it. 
 He took up more than his share of the bed 
 for the rest of the night, but I didn t make 
 any objections. Being saved by mere chance 
 is well illustrated by your own experience 
 that night you saw a strange moon with a 
 beard attack the regular moon, and whirl 
 about it with frightful rapidity. It was sim 
 ply good-luck that a policeman came along 
 and told the strange and bellicose moon to go 
 way, and took you home out of the danger. 
 Or the night you " 
 
 "But, Jones," said Robinson, soothingly, 
 "you started to tell us of your scare." 
 
 "True; and I will. It was a number of 
 years ago. I was following the sea at the 
 time, and was first-mate of the whaling bark 
 Flying Cloud. We entered the Arctic Ocean 
 through Bering Strait, and cruised about for 
 several months. Our luck was poor, and in 
 our anxiety to fill our oil-tanks we stayed a 
 
IN HIGH LATITUDES 117 
 
 day too long, and got nipped in the ice. The 
 floe drifted for several days in a northeaster 
 ly direction, and we finally went aground 
 somewhere above Sabine Land. We saw that 
 we were in for a winter there, and settled 
 down to make the best of it. 
 
 " Darkness, of course, soon closed around 
 us, and the cold became intense. It was a 
 hard winter even for that extreme latitude. 
 None of the crew had ever experienced any 
 thing like it. I may illustrate it, in a meas 
 ure, by this incident, which, though trifling 
 in itself, remains fixed in my mind : I went 
 to my room one night with a candle as usual. 
 Got ready for bed and tried to bloAV out the 
 candle. Couldn t do it. Looked closely, and 
 saw that the flame was frozen solid. Broke 
 it off with my thumb and finger, jumped into 
 bed, and slept soundly till morning. 
 
 " My naturally adventurous spirit took me 
 out much, and I had soon explored the neigh 
 borhood. Being a good shot, I frequently 
 brought in fresh meat, which was greatly rel 
 ished by the crew. The captain warned me, 
 however, that I would come to some danger 
 if I persisted in wandering away from the 
 ship ; but, with the recklessness of youth, I 
 did not heed him. I had my dog Bones with 
 
113 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 me, and together we would go out every day 
 on a hunting trip. You will remember that 
 Bones was not a hunting-dog, being, in fact, 
 a corresponding member of the Philadelphia 
 Canine Universal Peace Society ; but he was 
 much company for me, nevertheless. Poor 
 dog, he finally choked to death on the wish 
 bone of a Thanksgiving turkey ! 
 
 "On the 10th of January I left the ship, 
 as usual, at about nine o clock in the morning 
 with my rifle and Bones. The stars were 
 shining brightly, and a beautiful aurora lit 
 up the landscape. I hoped to kill one or more 
 polar-bears, not only for the meat they would 
 afford, but because they were becoming very 
 troublesome, having badly gnawed our rud 
 der and broken off our foretop-gallant-mast. 
 Though apparently awkward creatures, they 
 can, as you know, run as fast as a horse, and 
 are quick and active as a cat. I knew my 
 danger in hunting them, but relied on my 
 skill with the rifle. 
 
 "I was about two miles from the ship, and 
 was clambering up a small ridge of ice, when 
 suddenly from the other side an immense 
 white paw uprose, and with one blow my 
 gun was knocked from my hands. It disap 
 peared in a crevice of the ice, and as I jumped 
 
IN HIGH LATITUDES lit) 
 
 back, four large polar-bears leaped into view 
 and began scrambling down the ridge. They 
 were evidently made desperate by hunger, 
 and I saw that there would not be the least 
 delay in their attacking me. 
 
 "It is at this point, gentlemen, that I have 
 to confess my fright. Not that I haven t 
 on many other occasions run from danger ; 
 when discretion is the better part of valor I 
 choose the better part ; it is no disgrace to 
 retreat in the face of an overwhelming force ; 
 but in my other retreats I have kept my head 
 and known precisely what I was doing. But 
 on this occasion it may have come from the 
 darkness, the weirdness of the scene, the sud 
 denness of the attack, the utter desperation 
 of the situation, the hollow cries of the rav 
 enous beasts, the wailing of poor Bones I 
 know not what it was but I felt a sense of 
 hopeless, abject terror. Seizing my valuable 
 dog by the nape of the neck, I turned and 
 fled blindly, ignominiously, and as one bereft 
 of all reason. 
 
 " Naturally, in my insane condition for it 
 amounted to little less I could not judge 
 how long those terrible animals followed me, 
 but it seemed that for hours they were close 
 behind, uttering their starving, hideous roar, 
 
lt>() THE ADVENTURES OF JOXES 
 
 and gnashing their famished, savage teeth. 
 My speed must have been something terrific, 
 and far beyond that ordinarily possible for a 
 man, since the bears did not overtake me. I 
 carried Bones under my arm, with his tail 
 waving behind, and whether it was torn at 
 by the bears, or worn out by the frightful 
 wind born of my flight, I know not, but I do 
 know that it became a sorry and bedraggled 
 appendage. 
 
 "As I said, I do not know how long the 
 bears pursued me ; I only know that at last 
 I became conscious that they were no longer 
 behind, partly from my own senses, now in a 
 measure returned, and partly from the fact 
 that Bones no longer kept up a prolonged 
 and cowardly wail. Now, gentlemen, comes 
 what is perhaps the most extraordinary fact 
 connected with my whole career. I do not 
 pretend to account for it I simply give it 
 to you as it happened. When I realized that 
 I was no longer followed, I of course decided 
 to stop, but, gentlemen, when I attempted it, 
 I found I had no more control over my legs 
 than I had over the movements of the plan 
 ets. I willed to stop, but my legs rushed on 
 with the same rapidity. I looked down upon 
 them curiously, as they flew like the spokes 
 
JONES SURPRISED BY FOUR LARGE POLAR BEARS 
 
IX HIGH LATITUDES 121 
 
 of an engine-wheel, and with precisely the 
 same feeling that I might look at such a 
 wheel. I felt as one might feel on a hand 
 car which was running away down a steep 
 grade. My fright had, in fact, produced 
 some sort of aggravated chorea, or St. Vitas s 
 dance, and the muscles of my legs were as 
 completely out of my control as those of my 
 heart. I rushed on across the frozen plain 
 involuntarily and automatically. 
 
 "When at last I had fully taken in the 
 strange situation, I looked at the stars, and 
 found that I was moving a little north of 
 east, directly away from the ship. I dis 
 covered that I could guide myself, if I could 
 not stop, and my first thought was to turn 
 and allow myself to run towards the vessel. 
 It then occurred to me that I was going at 
 the rate of at least twenty miles an hour, 
 and that I must have been running for three 
 or four hours, so the hopelessness of finding 
 the ship was apparent. For another hour I 
 rushed on, and considered the situation. Sud 
 denly a thought which almost dazed me rose 
 up in my mind. I would turn due north, 
 and perhaps reach the very pole itself before 
 I ran down ! 
 
 "Gentlemen, this is already a long, and, I 
 
122 THE ADVENTURES OF JONES 
 
 fear, an unprofitable tale ; I will hurry to 
 my conclusion. For hours I swept on at the 
 same appalling rate. I felt no weariness, 
 only the exhilarating sense of being carried 
 along as if on the wings of the wind. Hun 
 ger I felt occasionally, which I satisfied with 
 strips of pemmican, which I took from my 
 pocket, not forgetting to give faithful Bones 
 his share. On the morning of the third day, 
 January 12th, I saw by the stars that I was 
 in the immediate neighborhood of the pole. 
 At eleven o clock I was sure that I was 
 almost or exactly crossing it. Patriotic in 
 stincts rose in my bosom. Pulling out a 
 small American flag, I attached it to a strip 
 of pemmican, frozen like a rod of iron, and, 
 as I tore over the spot like a terrified ghost, 
 I stuck the odd staff in the snow, and took 
 possession of the region in the name of Con 
 gress and President Buchanan. It was a 
 scene to remember: the calm unvexed pole- 
 star in the very zenith looking down upon a 
 scene it had never witnessed before ; the aw 
 ful limitless plain of eternal snow ; the brill 
 iant aurora hanging like convoluted curtains 
 of a hundred colors about the mighty vault 
 of heaven ; the glorious Stars and Stripes 
 fluttering proudly in the breeze ; Bones wav- 
 
IN HIGH LATITUDES 123 
 
 ing his dismantled tail and rolling out a 
 glad patriotic howl, and my own legs rush 
 ing on with their long gallop like the ever 
 lasting beating of the unwearied wings of 
 the Eagles of the Sun. I turned neither to 
 the right nor to the left. But my face, be 
 fore to the mysterious north, was now set 
 towards the hopeful south. Three days later, 
 on January 15th, I reached a settlement on 
 the Yenisei River, in Siberia, where I stayed 
 till spring, when I came home by the way of 
 Moscow and St. Petersburg, bringing Bones 
 with me." 
 
 "But," said Jackson Peters, earnestly, 
 " how did you stop at the settlement ?" 
 
 "I threw myself on my back, while the 
 governor of the province and three soldiers 
 sat on my legs till they became calm. Gen 
 tlemen, I hope never to be frightened like 
 that again." 
 
 THE END 
 
BY JOHN KENDRICK BANGS 
 
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