PS 1669 F19 D7 THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE; THE BENCH AND BAR OF JURYTOWN, AND OTHER STORIES LIBRARY UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA DAVIS OP 1 ^ w KX m ! THE THE AND J. M DRAMA IN POKER VILLE; BENCH AND BAR OF JURYTOWN, OTHER STORIES . Field M & [si UNIVERSITY MICROFILMS, INC. A Subsidiary of Xerox Corporation Ann Arbor DRAMA IN POKEEVILLE; THE BENCH AND BAR OF JURYTOWN, AND OTHER STORIES. BY "EVERPOINT," (J. M" FIELD, ESQ., OF THE ST. LOUIS REVEILLE.) I tUit!) e DUtrlct Court of the Eiwtem Dtitrtct of Penniylvanla. r L. joiiNotf A eo PHILADELPHIA. T. K. Ac P. O COLI.INII, PHINTKRB. Orbiratum. TO MESSRS. CAREY & HART, Publishers, Philadelphia. This morning, accompanying certain proof- sheets, I received a few lines from you, informing me that I had neglected to enclose among my M8S. of The Drama in Poker- ville," &c., a Dedication I and requesting" me, at once, .to supply the deficiency, under peril of a delayed press and further calami ties ! Gentlemen, in my present distress of mind, I really know no friends whom / think more of than yourselves ; permit me, therefore, in no less sincerity than haste, to dedicate the volume to you, whose enterprise and liberality have opened out a native literary path, which, albeit not the most elevated, nevertheless hath its pleasant ways, and which I hope very many may travel with more credit to themselves, and amusement to the public, than doth your obliged servant, THE AUTHOR. St. Louii, Mo., June 7, 1847. -. r A SUCKER IN A WARM BATH. Back went old fatty against the centre- table." ..-* rv Y(' JZ- THE (DRAMA IN POKERVILLE, THE BENCH AND BAR OF JURY-TOW, AND OTHER STORIES. BY "EVERPOINT." 14 But while in the act of aiming it, Cynthy threw a pillow in hii face." PHILADELPHIA: PUBLISHED BY CAREY & HART. 1847. . PREFACE. THE reader will have seen, from the preceding page, that the author of the present collection of stories is either very remiss in his habits, or else very green at publishing. " The Drama in Pokerville" actually sent to the printer without a dedication ! What will he say, then, when he is informed that the same letter which called for the dedi cation, reminded the author that he was also sending forth his book, in the most barefaced manner, without a Preface either ! The Drama in Pokerville came as near being damned for want of regular announcement, as it too often does, in other important places, from pushing the announcements, &c., too far ! The truth is, the author would have been content, letting the reader do his own prefacing, and arriv ing at his own conclusion- in the middle of the volume, perhaps but the demand has been made, and ihopourquoi of the matter must be given. In a few words, then, certain scatterlings on the face of the land have been, for some time back, scribbling queer things for the amusement of the queer people, and, volume after volume, theso things have been, quecrly, condensing into book shape, taking upon themselves, moreover, certain 6 PREFACE. decencies of binding, and what not, and actually getting responsible persons to stand up and answer for their adop tion into the more regularly begat, and better conditioned family of literature. They are called eccentric, to be sure, but then they are tolerated as being such, and, satisfied with their reception, they are contentedly multiplying their numbers- we will not presume to say influence day by day. The respectable publishers of the present volume are chiefly responsible for the sin of its appearance. From their vast literary granary, they think it good and whole some to dispense, occasionally, a measure of mirth; and they have thought it good, moreover, to select the present writer as one who might, perhaps, assist in supplying the demand. The writer has nothing further to say, (whatever he may hope,) save that the new stories in the collection were written very hastily, and that the longest of them ** The Drama," &c. he has had no opportunity of revising, a proof of it not having been included among the sheets sent to him. As Manager Dust might say, he throws him self entirely " upon the known generosity of a Pokerville audience !" THE AUTHOR. St. Louis, Mo., June 7, 1847. CONTENTS. v I THE DBAMA isr POKKRVILLE .' 9 v The Great Small Affair Announcement ..9 V Feeling in Pokprvillo, , 13 The Great Small Affair Opening 15 The Great Pokerville Preliminaries ...39 The Great Small Affair Mystery 40 The Great Pokerville Re-union 43 The Great Small Affair Dinner 61 The Great Pokerville "Saw" 65 The Great Small Affair Scandal 70 The Great Small Affair Chastisement .".....74 The Great Small Affair Duel 83 What was built on the Great Small Affair Foundation. . . .88 f THE BENCH AXD BAB or JURTTOWK 93 / A SUCKRB ix A WARM BATH 100 y AST" AWFUL PLACK" 103 ^THK ELK RUXNKBS 108 /"OLD SOL" ix A DELICATE SITUATION .......*.. 113 Tux " GAUUIXU SCHKMJC ;" on, WRIT'S GBBAT PIOTUMI 118 4 EltTAni.IHIlINri TICK $CIKKCK ,, 129 / OLE BULL IK TUK SOLITUDE" 134 i How OCB FRIEND B ' HAIB WKITT 139 J A FAKCT BAIIKKEPIB ....143 ^"MR. NOBBLI!" 149 7 CONTENTS. Pf* 157 4 AHu*o" Ji-nr ....... . .................................. 160 J PATIUJTAL GuiBiwof ....................................... 164 A WIRRY GRAVX EXHORTATION .......................... ..166 "YouRTuRic NEXT, SIR" .................................. 169 J STOI- FIHO TO Woon" ................. ........ ....... .....173 / DKATII or MIKR FJNK ..................... . ............ ....177 ESTABLIUHIXU A COXJCECTIOX . .. ..... ... ................... 184 J A NIOHT ix A SWAMP .......... . ........ .... ............... 188 STEAMBOAT MISERIES ............... .... .......... ........ .194 ; singer." At length, as if a distant ray had served to render darkness visible, he exclaimed : I shouldn't be at all surprised if Mrs. Dust has been saying something about you ! Do you know, that I've often thought that she's never liked you since your Coons-borough benefit ?" We shall soon part, I hope," said Fanny. But, dear me ! won't it seem very strange ? Why, it's a cruel affront !" cried the vocalist, his voice sud denly becoming round, and his nostrils would it had been his nose dilating. 4* 42 THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. . You shall not be the only member of the company absent, Miss Fanny ; I should blush while sitting with them ; and so should all the rest of us, I'm sure I" Could it be possible, Fanny was positively weeping! and when her companion perceived it, he was seized with a sort of choking himself, which he attempted to conceal by giving his nose a violent blow, and, altogether, he acted little other than spoony," as the saying is. Fanny, at length, dried her eyes and threw herself back on her pride ; whatever she was, she was no groveller. " You are very kind, Mr. Fitzcarol, and I shall be grateful to you as long as I live, but you must not stay away on my account, I would rather you would not." "Miss Wilkins," said her companion, and his tone grew actually musical with emotion, I could not feel like a gentleman at their table ; on my own account I shall avoid their company." Fanny's heart throbbed, and her color mantled, as if she had heard in those tones the challenge of her champion knight ; but she looked in his face, and albeit she saw an earnest glance from the eyes, yet, owing to the zig-zag expression mentioned heretofore, it was impossible to tell the precise direction of it, and the effect was marred proportionately. " But you will not mention me in connection with your declining?" said Fanny, anxiously. Why, how could I, Miss Fanny ; contempt don't enter into explanations !" Again Fanny looked up, and then it crossed her mind that poor Fitzcarol good-natured fellow might have retained a more heroic nose, had he possessed a THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. 43 less generous heart : she remembered the nature of the accident which had disfigured him. A few moments brought them to the steps of the hotel, when Cynthia, suddenly stopping her flagiolet practice, whispered hurriedly to Fanny, who thereupon bade her escort adieu, and ran up-stairs, very myste riously. THE GREAT POKERVILLE RE-UNION. NOT the least of Mrs. Major Slope's triumph, con nected with the present occasion, was the complete over throw and subjugation of Mrs. Wilson of store-shed" pretension. Feeling that, from the position which she had achieved in Pokerville society, she could afford to ven ture an advance without danger of compromising herself, she no sooner had secured the Great Small Affair dinner against failure, than she, like a good soul as well as an able tactician, made a call upon her less genius-gifted rival, explained her plans, dexterously requested advice, and secured a faithful second fiddle for ever afterwards, by insisting that her friend, Mrs. Wilson, should join with her at once in making preparations for the fete ! There was Pokerville generalship. Mrs. Major Slope, by a single manoeuvre, not only secured the eclat and the fruits of victory, but bound her rival to her car, a three-fold captive, in that she fancied herself an ally. And this was the very day, and a lovely one it was, and emulous as it were of propitious nature, Mr. Wil son's boat he owned a steamboat as well as the store- shed arrived, having made a bully trip," and bring ing with her as usual Mr. Tom Sky, her dandy clerk," 44 THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. the only human who had yet ventured to walk Poker- ville with yellow kids on. A decided show of anxiety might have been de tected about town, if people had looked closely, and there was a lively sensation pervading the " first fami lies,'' each house having two or three penitent-looking females, wandering from room to room, all in white with powder on their faces, and their hair streaming over their shoulders, preparatory to its being " done up." People, too, would stop each other hurriedly in the street, and ask each other, " when they were going out ?" while at the billiard-room and the bar-rooms of the principal hotel, the whole matter, from the uncom monly late hour of sitting down, three o'clock, to the probability as to who would rise sober, was under ac tive discussion. Matters at the theatre were despatched in short order, as may be supposed, old pieces" were < < put up," so as not to embarrass Mrs. Oscar Dust through the day with her evening responsibilities ; Mr. Oscar was already half through a report of the proceedings as they were to take place ; and Mr. Kemble White, in white cotton gloves, was impressing upon Mr. Waters and Mr. Johnson the importance of " mingling in society," strengthening his arguments at the same time with an irresistible odour of cologne. As to Miss Fanny Wilkins, she was, doubtless, locked in her room, as usual ; and as to Mr. Fitzcarol, he was wherever his humour happened to call him. 1 P. M., at Mount Hyacinthe. The affair was to be unique in nil its details, and the guests had been re quested to assemble early to a lunch and fine language, and sure as a gun, not one of the regulars was behind- THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. 45 hand! "Both rooms" had been prepared; two extra busts of La Fayette (not a Shakspeare in all Poker- ville) being added to the sculpture^ three highly coloured "American naval victories," completing the walls, and a perfect arabesque of blue and yellow fly-paper netting finishing off the ceiling. Then, of course, on side-tables were vases of artificial flowers, infinitely to be pre ferred to the natural ones without ; the piano, with all Mrs, Wilson's, as well as all Mrs. Major Slope's music, stood open at one end, and a groaning " centre table," proudly exhibiting the collected annuals of the town, crowned by Mrs. Oscar Dust's own scrap-book, stood in its becoming place. Mrs. Oscar Dust, f course, had not been the first to arrive, and of course no grandeur had come off* before that interesting moment ; besides, as everybody had fixed in their minds upon something remarkably clever, which they were to do impromptu, everybody felt a sort of impending responsibility ; there was a general oir-preoccupt:, as we say in Dunkirk. Mr. Kemble "White was not an exception ; Doctor Slunk had not yet arrived, to ask him to fire up," and though he had looked for better things at the hands of his white cottons, it was not long before he painfully found that they added to his embarrassment. He finally devoted himself to the exclusive patronage of Mr. II. C. John son, on the back stoop." " There's the Dusts!" and, sure enough, there they came, in a cloud of it as also in Mrs. Major Slope's own carriage. There was a rush, of course, on the part of the ladies, to the piazza, from which Mrs. Ma jor Slope and Mrs. Wilson descended to the gate. Mrs. Major Slope's new Irish gardener, as footman, 46 THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. lowered the steps, when out popped Mr. Manager Dust, bowing with great dexterity to the ladies, without for getting, at the same time, to exhibit an affectionate anxiety for the connubial treasure in the vehicle. The classic veteran, Mr. Waters, came next Mrs. Oscar insisted that he should ride with her, "like a good creature," and had availed herself of the time to recall to his mind, inadvertently, such of her favourite stretcJieSy as might perhaps require testimony, during the banquet. Now came the queen of the occasion, in red velvet, rather unseasonable, but then it had been sent over to her by Kitty Stephens now Countess of Es sex ; it was one of the Victoria coronation dresses ; and Waters knew that Mrs. Oscar had never worn it, except on similar complimentary occasions! Mrs. Oscar Dust descended, we say, and with a dignified she kissed the two fair gate-keepers, and they kissed her, and then they together ascended the piazza, Mr. Dust and the veteran following, and Cyn thia, who had been borrowed from the hotel, for gran deur, bringing up the rear. The " lunch" and dining-rooms occupied the other half of the ground floor at Mount Hyacinthe, for the mansion was a " double" one, and it hadn't taken long to move the beds ; and the ladies had all taken some julep, and the gentlemen had all taken it plain," and now, ladies and gentlemen, they were all in the midst of a morning sworry, as Mrs. Wilson had it. There were the Bagly Gals ;" Miss Mirny Hunter, of a decided literary taste, receiving the Vinaigrette, published at the east, regularly every month ; all the Davis' crowd," including the grandmother, who had THE DRAMA IK POKEHVILJLE. 47 danced with General Washington ! the Smiths, down from the saw-mill, and the Browns, up from the landing, &c. &c. Then there was the Honourable Jackson Spence, postmaster ; General Bung of the ho tel, Judge Plug, Major Slug, Colonel Mug, &c. &c., and Mr. Busby Case, Esq., of course. In the way of art, there was Mr. Shade, who was now engaged upon a full length portrait of Mrs. Major Slope ; Quills, of the book and fancy store, who played the guitar ; and young Mr. Jake Bagly, who had been turned away from West Point for slitting General Jackson's mouth, (pictorial,) and sticking a cigar in it ! This ingenious youth had very long legs, a stork neck, a bowie knife sticking out at his vest, and a very lively tint of to bacco embellishing each corner of his mouth. We havri't begun" to mention them all, but there they all were, and every one of their names, already, as pat on the end of Mrs. Oscar Dust's tongue as could be, while Mr. Oscar Dust was no less zealously fortifying himself within the citadel of the gentlemen's patronage and affections. Mrs. Wilson, we are sorry to say, hadn't a spark of the ideal about her ; it was in this that she fell below Mrs. Major Slope. In the first place, she was vulgarly curious as to the quality of the coronation-robe velvet ; and in the second place, she could not realize the pos sibility of a female named " Kitty" ever being elevated to the " golden round" of a coronet ! " And she used to sing on the stage, too ?" The queen of ballad, my dear." Ah, well, I always preferred straight-forward sing ing myself, to this screwmatic music !" The ballad ! Mrs. Wilson is the natural lyrical 48 THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. expression of the emotions. I mentioned to you, my dear Mrs. Major" and here Mrs. Oscar dropped both eyelids for a moment, and heaved a fat sigh I men tioned to you a tender souvenir of earlier years. Some lines, treasured in this volume, (the scrap book,) are a pro pos y and might interest you, knowing, as you do, the circumstances." And now Mrs. Oscar Dust got into a perfect maze and perplexity in endeavouring to find the page ; and really she feared some one must have removed it ; and then she had it, but no, that was the complimentary letter from the late President ; and then, this was the celebrated Miss Harriet Martinet's private criticism upon her Lady Macbeth, and ah no, the other was the French king's own note to the American artist, Mr. Chrome, desiring him to paint Mrs. Oscar Dust, (among other distinguished democrats,) for his private gallery of contemporary genius ! You remember, Mr. Waters ?" continued the self- entrapped lady, for she really blushed all over at being betrayed into these explanations " you remember, after all, that poor Chrome was any thing but satisfied with himself!" Oh, of course," said the veteran, but he spoke rather sulkily, and stuck his hands in his side-pockets, and didn't seem to be any more satisfied than the art ist had been. In fact, Mr. Waters had not been made exactly at home, and he only came out "to oblige" any how ; and the king of the French sketch he had always rather stuck at, remembering that the portrait in question had been painted for a season ticket, was subsequently set up at a raffle, and now adorned a bar room in one of the Great Small Affair towns.* Mrs. Os- THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. 49 car, though, didn't mind his ways, for he was such a good creature with all his eccentricity ! Ah, here it is !" said Mrs. Oscar Dust, and she pointed it out to Mrs. Major Slope, for, trust herself to read it, she really couldn't. Mrs. Major was just about to indulge a favourite taste of hers reading poetry aloud and the more expressive faces were adjusting themselves to a look of rapt intensity, in order to do jus tice to certain stanzas, commencing, "Child of grandeur " and signed " Henry," when a whirl upon the road suddenly recalled them, and anon, one of the ladies crying out "Mr. Sky!" even Mrs. Major Slope herself put down the book. * There was Mr. Tom Sky, truly, in a buggy, bright as a lark, with his white kids, and strapped pant,':, and, altogether, a very knowing-looking character, and be side him sat a gentleman with a heavy and inflamed face, but withal a blue coat and brass buttons, yellow trowsers, white vest, and English drab hat. He wiped his brow, too, with a cambric handkerchief, in a dis tingtte mode, and, altogether, his appearance, perfect stranger as he was, excited a deep sensation. Mr. Tom Sky lost no time in introducing to the company, Mr. Flush, a gentleman whom Mr. Sky knew he should be thanked for bringing, inasmuch as, that Mr. Flush was just one of themselves, a distinguished literary character, and at present connected with the eastern press ! that is, Mr. Flush was agent for that popular monthly, the Vinaigrette! Mr. Flush was a recent Londoner, had come up on the boat with Mr. Sky, and had evidently determined in his own mind to en courage the natives. 5 50 THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. The conversation now became of a very recherche character. The duplicate Lafayettes were discussed in good set phrase, Mr. Bagly, however, taking great pains to point out also the American Naval victories, as well as to make some extremely native remarks about Bunker Hill ! To change the subject, the distinguished authors of Europe were brought forward, and here Mr. Flush was no less at home, though his admiration chiefly settled around Chawles Lamb, who, as they knew, of course, wrote the Essays of J/elia. Indeed," said Mr. Flush, Pve doated on roast pig ever since I read that chawming paper." " Well, I allow you're just hunk, this time, then," interposed Mrs. Wilson, " for we have got the sweetest roaster for dinner you ever did see !" Mr. Flush chose to receive this announcement not only as a piece of pleasant news, but also as a piece of pleasant humour, declaring that humour was the only thing he missed in America, the people being all too busy to joke ; and then he declared his intention of making hrs dinner exclusively on roast pig, out of ven eration for the memory of J/elia, who was not only a wit but a wag, and he loved waggery of all things. Hereupon Mr. Jake Bagly proceeded to the kitchen, and bribed the black cook to spit a remarkably fine 'possum, which hung there, instead of the pig ! Time wore away delightfully, Mrs. Oscar Dust short ening it with a few of her stretchers, and appealing to Mr. Waters for the details; and Mr. Flush beginning to feel sufficiently at home to take foreign airs on him self, when another whirl on the road announced Dr. Slunk, and that gentleman, tolerably " fired up" and in an evident ill humour, " paraded himself." THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLK. 51 THE GREAT SMALL AFFAIR DINNER. Bang-ang-ang-r-r-r-ang-bang ! This humorous little startle was one of the pleasant effects of the reconcilia tion of Mesdames Slope and Wilson, for this latter lady knew that Mr. Tom Sky had a gong on his boat, and she not only borrowed it from him, but got him to ring it now at the parlor door the first time that dinner had been thus sonorously announced in Pokcrville. A general scream was succeeded by a wide laugh, this again^subsiding into a giggling declaration that that awful noise had ruined their appetites, and anon there was a pairing off to the dining-room ; everybody going with somebody apparently, but, somehow or other, leaving Mr. Kerable White and his white cottons, the classic veteran, and Mr. Johnson, in a sort of a triangu lar isolation. White, this is what you call mixing in society ! is it !" said Mr. Waters, with a sort of burnt cork offended dignity in the contraction of his eye-brows. Suffering, ray boy! In pain," muttered Mr. White, shaking his head, and touching his side, as if excruciat ing agony alone had prevented him from taking the head of the column. <* Bile!" added he, as perfectly conversant with the symptoms, "Bile, sir, bile!" Young Mr. Bagly now made his appearance with a sort of lazy leer on his countenance, and invited them to come along if they wanted to see sport." Bile," repeated Mr. White, " bile ! must stick it out, though !" and away lie went in reckless defiance of a bilious cholic, at least. The Great Small Affair dinner had been extensively 52 THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. laid out," depend upjn it. In a few words, the Pokerville market had been exhausted to be sure the beef and mutton were lean it not being a grazing country; and the vegetables were scarce nothing being raised but cotton ; and the fish was salt the nigger not having caught any fresh ; and the poultry was poor the people not caring much about it ; but there was that roaster" in all its steeray savor, already carved and pervading every nostril ! Again, there was a magnificent ham, all green and yellow as the egg and minced pickle mingled ; bacon and greens, too, sent up their inviting fragrance, and a shoat stew was not slow" when one went into it. Decanters, then, of every tint, and "any quantity" of transparent, long necked bottles, with labels on them, bearing anchors, stars, and other devices "prem&re quality" and all guarantied to " pop," by Mr. Wilson, of the store-shed, who had "furnished the wines." Then for the com pany, they were artfully arranged streak of fat and streak of lean fashion so as to increase their own relish for themselves. Mr. Busby Case sat at the head, (Major Slope having contrived to be accidentally wanted at his upper plantation, ten miles off,) with Mrs. Oscar Dust on one side and Mrs. Major Slope on the other, while Mr. Tom Sky took the foot, between Mrs. Wilson and Miss Mirny Hunter. Mr. Flush sat next on the side to Mrs. Oscar Dust, and next to Mrs. Wilson, on the side, sat Mr. Manager Dust. Dr. Slunk was placed between the Bagly Gals ; Mr. Wilson, who had come from lord knows where, and got to the table, lord knows how a round bashful-looking man sat between "the Davis's" Mr. Shade -Mr. Bagly pshaw, never mind, yes, we must mention by-the-by,' that Messrs. THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. 53 "White, Waters, and Johnson, were stuck together, fenced in at one end by the elderly lady who had seen Washington, and, at the other, by deaf Miss Smith of the wharf-boat family, A little of the roast, if you please." " 6h, the pig, of course !" Me, also, Mr. Case some of the brown, you know." Stop, not till after Mrs. Dust." "None of the stumV !" Some of the slickin's !" Oh, for an active pen and an easy stomach to do jus tice to the feeders on the present occasion ! Mrs. Dust fairly vied, in singleness of purpose, with Mr. Flush, and between them that pig received praises enough to have immortalized a whole litter ! "Tender! sweet! delicious !" Then there was no grossness about it." " It really induced appetite." " One couldn't eat too much of it." It was the very pig which Chawles Lamb had celebrated, Mr. Flush declared ; and, as for Mrs. Dust, she admiringly believed that it wasn't a pig at all, at which Cynthia screwed up her mouth to keep from grinning, and met a rebuke for whistling instead. Larry, the gardener, was also very attentive, now transferred to the dining-room, and the regular force was no less efficient, and, altogether, such a lus cious time, and such a demand for more pig" had never tried menial activity. Young Mr. Bagly obtained a great triumph over Mr. Flush in the acknowledgment of the latter, that he never had eaten such pig in Eng land ! Dr. Slunk asked the lady on his right if she'd take some of thisl" and the one on his left, if she'd take " some of that ?" And he also kept the decanter setting it down harder and harder on its bottom after every punishmint, and, for some unaccountable reason, growing in discontent each moment. But sweetest 54 THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. pleasures are the shortest, and a roast pig is no excep tion. The stew and other fixin's had also suffered some," and a removal of dishes was the signal for that flowof soul," &c. Mr. Busby Case arose; and, thereupon, all wiped their mouths and cried " hem /" The intensity of the moment may be imagined from the fact that even young Mr. Bagly stopped whit'ling a toothpick. Mr. Buzby Case first hesitated, and then remarked upon the fact that he hesitated, and well he might, he further observed ; Mr. C. had addressed larger assem blies, numerically, but the size of the present com pany was independent of heads ! (It would not have been so safe, perhaps, for him to have said stomachs.) Mr. C. stood before the genius and the wit of Poker- ville. More, there were guests present, whose genius and whose wit the genius and the wit of Pokerville had met to honour! A welcome, but unexpected, guest would not be offended, brilliant as were his literary claims, if Mr. C., on this occasion, more particularly referred to others than himself. (Mr. Flush bowed, deprecating further notice of his own poor merits.) Mr. C. would even at once name the founder of the drama in Pokerville, and the transcendant ornament of that drama, the founder's amiable and accomplished wife, as the bright particular" to whom homage was paid on that occasion." Mr. C. was here interrupted by tumultuous applause Messrs. Slunk, Bagly, and White setting down their decanters very hard on the table. Mrs. Oscar Dust wiped her nose till it was very red, and Mr. C. re sumed. "What had been wanting to make Pokerville THE DR4HA IN POKERVILLE. 55 the heart of refinement, as it already was the head of navigation? The drama. And what had been wanting to make the drama the first of arts, as it always had been the second of civilization ? The Dust. The Dust in its direction ; the Dust in its ex hibition ; and Mr. C. made bold to affirm that it would take a bigger sprinkle than Coons-borough could get up to ever lay that dust !" This was a perfect obliterator of Coons-borough pre tension, as it was a downright drench to Coons-borough malice, and the way it " took" was tremendous ! Mrs. Oscar Dust was sensibly affected, and looked towards Mrs. Major Slope appealingly. Mr. C. had reached his climax. To go any further would be to get upon tip-toe, and he then might waggle ; besides, he hadn't any more to say, and so he felt that he must conclude ;" he would, therefore, give them the founders of the drama in Pokerville, and for once they might rejoice over their Dust ! Amid a storm of applause and a volley of, at least, three corks for the majority of necks had to be twisted, the champagne being of the guggle instead of the fly vintage it was conceded that this was just the neatest thing that ever had been said in Pokerville. Mrs. Major Slope pronounced it " attic," and Mr. Flush said it was worthy of the " pig," or even J/elia himself! There was nothing but dust about the table, and in a perfect cloud of it, though a radiant one, Mr. Dust arose. Mr. Dust remarked that he was not a facetious man ; he would not attempt to throw dust in their eyes ; he was afraid they might be choked with dust ; yet dust he was, and unto dust he must return, and, therefore, 56 THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLL. he would go on; and forthwith Mr. Dust stopped awhile to let them get through laughing, for this little unpremeditated sally tickled everybody amazingly ; and Mr. Dust knew it would, as he had tested the effect of it on apt occasions ever since he had been a manager. The glow of hilarity was extreme, except in the cases of Messrs. Slunk and Waters the latter of whom appeared to be abstractedly writing some treasured wrong with the point of a fork upon the table-cloth. Mr. Dust resumed, with the remark that he would first, however, wash the dust out of his mouth" a lavation that, with a cheer, was generally imitated. Mr. Dust would now beg to t)e serious Mrs. D. and Mrs. Major following, gave the signal for a change of feature instantly. Yes, Mr. Dust owed too much to Pokerville, and too much to his own feelings as a man, longer to indulge in the mere sparkle of wit, which, like the champagne they were drinking, effer vesced but to exhale. Mr. Dust had prepared his figure under the reasonable expectation of a tolerably lively article ; but, as it happened, the application was not so clear, seeing that young Mr. Bagly had already broken three slim glasses, driving them through his hand in the attempt to raise a bead ;" while more, cautious gentlemen were actually stirring up theirs with crusts, and the ladies were precipitating into theirs raisin after raisin without sending a globule to the sur face. Mr. Dust went on through. Yes, Mr. Dust would look serious ^ he would remember that, but a short time ago, he had arrived in Pokerville with no invitation save his confidence in man no introduc tion save that of his letters ; he would remember that THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. 57 the drama, without the promise of a roof, had found a dome possessing even peculiar advantages, and that, with nothing but her legitimate resources, and, might he add, some small amount of talent and energy to aid her, she now sat firm as the marble, founded as the ' rock." Yes," said Mr. Dust, pardonably yielding to a generous enthusiasm, destroy your present temple ; let even convulsion level it with the earth, (on a strict estimate, a fall of ten feet,) yet will it rise again again will genius thrill the breast of sympathy." No less generous as a boast than delicate as a compliment, all hearts responded to this. Mrs. Major Slope met the eyes of the company with a palpitation evident to all ; and Mr. Kemble White, as the gaze was natu rally also directed to himself, drew on his White cot tons and took them off again, and looked towards Mr. "Waters, who was still solving something in the table cloth, with heavy drinks between, and thought that he was right with regard to society," after all. Mr. Dust had even overcome himself. He looked as if he should betray a weakness, were he to proceed. He looked at Mrs. Dust, and his emotion increased ; there was a spasmodic action in his throat. Friends," said Mr. Dust, I thought I had known myself better; but kindness like that of Pokerville ! I would have thanked you for myself for one other for the drama for her children for your full and fashionable at tendance for the future promise of next week for for pardon this weakness ;" and Mr. Dust's thanks utterly failed him, just as he had got to the end of his list. He recovered himself amidst the general emotion, filled his glass with sudden resolution, and, in a firm, voice, gave, THE DRAMA IN POKEBVILLE. " The Pokerville taste the Pokerville temple the drama, while it hails the one, shall halo the other !" There was a nerve and dignity in the tone of this which was very fine, very ; in fact, there is but one x term for it it was thrilling ! Applause was long and loud ; and Mr. Oscar Dust never felt himself so completely head, front, and ex tremity of the Great Small AflTair Theatres as at that moment. Mr. Busby Case rose. He, would give one other toast. "Mrs. Oscar Dust. A planet in her orbit; might she become a fixed star at Pokerville." There was something more than natural, " if phi losophy could find it out," as Hamlet says, in the rapid succession of clever things upon this pleasing occasion. And it was evident, from the growing exhilaration,' that people had just "given way to the thing." The present toast was a regular melter ; and enthu siasm, admiration, and sentiment swelled the stream, at the rate of a ten foot " rise" at least. There was a moment's embarrassment. "Mrs. Dust!" hurriedly whis pered Mrs. Slope. " By all means, my dear," ex claimed that lady. Mr. Case expressed gratified sur- "prise. And with a sweet diffidence, Mrs. Oscar Dust stood before the company. "She's going to speak!" buz/ed everybody. " D d if she isn't!" muttered the doctor. "Never be taken alive!" sneered Mr. Kemble White. "Something on her stomach, I reck on," leered Mr. Bagly. Friends /" began Mrs, Oscar, and you might have heard a pin drop," as they say in the papers, " 'Tis woman's part iofccl," said Mrs. Oscar ; " society pre- THE DRAMA IN POKKRVILLE. 59 scribes forms even for her affections ; and fain would I be mute, but that my heart cries out < You mustn't !' As a female, I feel your gallantry ; as an artiste, your approbation, and as a matron older than some pre sent," (Mrs. Dust made this admission with a charm ing ingenuousness,) I may claim a privilege. A matron; yes, a mother. And the grace and beauty present remind me, young ladies, that I have a daugh ter like you at an Eastern seminary. Mr. Waters knows" "At a farm in Kentucky;" groaned the veteran, nearly audibly, and pouring out an enormous horn ; "kept out of the way." Mrs. Dust went on : "Mr. Sky, too, nnd Mr. fiagly will excuse me, especially the last, who has received a martial education, when 1 say that I have a son now serving his country 'tis now three years, as Mr. Wa ters knows, since his midshipman's warrant." " Runs to Texas ; mate on a steamboat !" muttered Mr. W. "But these are private matters," said Mrs. D., changing her tone, now that she had made them pub lic ; " let me at once speak my grateful .thanks, and forgive my chiming fancy, which suggests sT metrical impromptu" " Your Ary-iW approval to uphold my cruise, To (fue-ard thu path you crown with your applause : JUf-i/uu are the tke-cyca, an Eden promise still, Nor serpent wiles shall tempt from Pokerville," It had originally read, " Blvyon are ilif t kii'H, nn Eden shut from Borrow; Nor serpent wiles shall lure from thee, Coonsborough." 60 THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. But Mrs. Dust excelled, equally, in adapting herself to every thing, and every thing to herself. , "Oh, h 11!" contemptuously blurted out Mr. Wal ters, with his eyes sot ;" but, fortunately, his excla mation was unnoticed in the storm of applause which rewarded the discovery that Mrs. Dust was " a poet too." The great guns had now gone off, and the rattle among the small pieces succeeded ; something lofty was demanded from Mr. Sky> who replied, that the expectation was unreasonable, as he was at the foot of the company, yet as it was a Po/cerville game, he as- 'sured them that they needn't "pass," as they held a flush in their hands. A few-de-joy of wit, which Mrs. Major Slope declared, would bring out a flush any where ; so that be-punned upon gentleman arose, and excusing himself from a speech, after the eloquent and masterly efforts which they had listened to, offered to sing a " ballad from the German," which he did, " right off," in a very deep voice, and with a protrusion of the upper lip and a rolling of the eyes; and which ballad was all about a little boy that had been stolen from behind his father, a horse-back, in the woods, by a mysterious demon, who had all the low notes ; and, altogether it was a blood-creeping kind of an effort, which almost lent a mystery to the person of Mr. Flush himself. They never had heard any one " sing so deep," and as for Mr. Oscar Dust, who had heard* all the first singers, he pronounced Mr. F.'s tone to be the finest he had ever heard in his life, combining with the bass the invaluable qualities of the baratone. Mrs. Major Slope, now remembering, suddenly, that she had not been as attentive to her lesser order of his- THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. 61 tnonic guests as she might have been, desired Mr. Case to give "Mr. Kemble White, and the gentlemen of the Great Small Affair Company." And it was given accordingly, and there was great applause, par ticularly from young Mr. Bagly* And then all eyes were fixed on (he " acknowledged Rollo," who looked at the classic veteran," who was once more looking at the table-cloth ; and, anon, Mr. Johnson began nudging Mr. White, and Mr. White again, abstractedly, began drawing on his white cottons. He found him self up at last, however, and he, in a brusque tone, com menced : Ladies and Gentlemen:" The familiar sound of which at once drew Mr. Waters's glassy gaze full upon him. (Mr. White stuck!) A-hera ! Ladies and gentlemen ; in appearing be" Mr. White took up his glass, and he put down his glass; and finally, turning to the Sardonic veteran, "Bile! Waters," said he, "Bile!" and down he sat in an evident gripe ; " society" having received another lick back" in his bosom. " Ha ! ha ! ha !" roared Mr. Waters, in a sort of Wolf's glen" merriment, and looking as much like Zamiel as if he had made up his face" for it. " Ha, ha, ha ! The acknowledged Rollo !" and bang ing his decanter down on the table, he spoiled Mrs. Major Slope's set, by knocking the bottom from under one of them. The effect was electric ! There was a general start, a general horror! Mrs. Major Slope was frightened; Mrs. Oscar Dust toweringly indignant ; Mr. Dust, how ever, was more anxious than any thing else, for he 6 62 THE DRAMA IN POKKRVILLK. knew Mr. Waters of old, and plainly recognised the symptoms of a downright phrensy, which his potations sometimes induced. There was no remedy but an in* stant turn him out," and this was attempted by the manager and gentlemen of the company;" but, armed with a broken decanter, the veteran bade defiance to them all in the most classic attitudes. The attempt, too, produced an access of rage, and he became fear fully Miltonic. "Gun-shot wounds, and female fits! ha, ha, ha, ha! 'Tis false as hell ! I say it ;"I, who never Ha! a mid shipman and the king of the French hanging up in a bar-room on a Kentucky farm ye gods ! Back, on your lives!" And here, Mr. White got a kick, which increased his bilious symptoms. "What! am I fallen so low, to sell my soul to the mother of lies ? I defy ye. Hissed at Coons-borough ! Your coronation robe, too, turned and dyed ! Ha, ha, ha ! humbug, I " Mr. Tom Sky, who had stolen upon the veteran un der the table, now cut short his incoherent abuse, by knocking his legs from under him ; when he was in stantly secured, and borne off a regular heavy villain's fifth act exit. And never had Mr. Waters made one leaving such a thrilling sensation behind him. The Great Small Affair banquet was essentially knock ed into a cocked-hat ; but evening was approaching, at any rate, when their duties to the public must have sum moned a portion of the guests, and Mr. Oscar Dust, very pale and flustrated," yet endeavouring to look simply wounded, endeavoured to express his inexpressible con cern and mortification at an incident so wild, so unpar alleled, entirely unlike any thing he had ever.heard of THE DRAMA IN POKKRVILLE. 63 so, more than any thing else, resembling the fantasy of a distempered dream ; an event which had marred a re union unequalled in taste and refinement. Mr. Dust could have gone on to any amount, and would have done so, but for another extraordinary in terruption on the part of Mrs. Oscar, who, turning deadly pale, and catching Mr. Busby Case round the neck, to save herself from falling, staggered from the room, followed by such ladies as hadn't disappeared earlier ; of course, Mr. Dust, in no small alarm, made his exit, also. " Tom Sky, did you eat any of that pig," inquired young Mr. Bagly, in hurried accents. Not a bite ;" said Tom Sky. Did you, Bag ?" " Not the first mouthful ; that plsin old brown sow's litter again, I'll bet a corde." Gentlemen, you alarm me," anxiously observed Mr. Flush. Pray, what was the matter with the pigs?" Messrs. Sky and Bagly exchanged glances ruefully, at the same time kicking Dr. Slunk under the table ; but this gentleman, still in his sullen fit, declared he must return to town, at once, and off he went. The pig was wholesome, gentlemen, eh !" urged Mr. Flush. Messrs. Sky and Bagly again exchanged glances. Extremely sweet, wasn't it ?" said the former Deliriously so," said Mr. Flush. " Fatter'n common ?" said Bagly. "Unusually!" "And tender?" "Quite!" Brown and crackly ? " Never saw such a pig !" exclaimed Mr. Flush. 64 THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. The thing's out ; the pisin litter !" cried Mr. Bagly. " Good God, gentlemen, what do you mean ?" gasped the agent of the Vinaigrette. " Don't you feel a qualmishness at your stomach, now ?" inquired Mr. Sky. " I do, distinctly !" and Mr. Flush grew pale. "A sort of a risin'?" said Mr. Bagly. " Yes, yes, sick !" "Just the way it comes on!" observed the gentle man. " It's the fat that does it !" "In the name of honour, gentlemen, what was the matter with the pig?" demanded the now livid Mr. Flush. " The old sow eat a nigger baby with the small-pox, that's all!" The unhappy victim of a fatal admiration for Jfelia and roast pig, plunged towards the door, but was stopped in his career by the entrance of Larry, who bore a singular something, apparently the roasted head of a " varmint," on a carving fork. "The devil's own kitchen to the cook, sir!" cried the gardener-waiter, " do you know the baste yi'v been ating ?" " One of the litter !" screamed the sufferer ; " poi soned !" " Be dad, it's very likely ; for it's few stomachs can stand them, enticin' as they are ;" said Larry. Sure, I found it out by the head of the crayture, that the black divil had put away for a private snack !" and . here he held up the fork to the eyes of the dying one, whose gaze became even more horrified. "My God, what a country!" groaned he; "Is that the head of a pig ?" THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. 65 It's the head of a mighty fine possum, faith ! barrin' that it's bad to ate much of it!" said Larry. A possum ! an o-possum !" Yis, an o-possum, exceptin' -that they think the o is too Irish ! Sure, their pride is enough to turn any one's stomach, sur!" The conspirators now hastened to relieve Mr. Flush from his apprehensions of poison, assuring him that thirty grains of calomel and a little oil would be all he need to resort to, but his symptoms became more de cided notwithstanding, and he took Mr. Larry's arm to seek retirement for a short time. Evening was at hand ; Mrs. Oscar Dust, though re lieved from her first strange attack, was still dreadfully shaken," as Mr. Dust said ; and, with deep distress, that gentleman found himself compelled to hurry up to town to change the performance. Mrs. Dust was to remain with Mrs. Slope till the morning, and thus the Great Small Affair festival, that promised so much for the renown of Pokerville, and the eclat of its visitors, was "crucified, dead, and buried, through a pig and a very heavy man !" as Mr. Dust exclaimed in his vex ation. THE GREAT POKERVILLE "SAW." MANAGER DUST was a famous general ; his resources were inexhaustible, and his genius adapted them to the occasion with w r onderful promptitude. The perform ance must be changed ; for a dismiss of such a house as there would be on that evening, attracted by the odours of the banquet, was out of the question. 6* 66 THE DRAMA IN POKER VILLE. Manager Dust arranged it all as he drove into town. There was a favourite one-act farce " up" in the com pany, which had not yet been done ;" and this, by cutting out one of the female parts, and letting down the curtain twice extra, would do for a " full comedy," under the circumstances. Then there was a shorter farce, which Miss Fanny Wilkins had been in the habit of playing alone in, and the change, backed by a touching speech, in which the manager should struggle with the husband, would make all right, doubtless. Manager Dust called to prepare Miss Wilkins, but his masterly arrangement changed its as pect fearfully whn he found that the young lady was not only locked in her room, as usual, but in a high fever and utterly unable to perform herself! Dismiss! such a thing, with the prospect of a house, was un known in Small Affair history ! Manager Dust once more changed his programme. A doubly touching speech ; scenes from six tragedies, in which he himself should shoulder the classic veteran's labours in addi tion to his own, (Manager Dust's facility in " doubling" was extraordinary,) three grand overtures by Mr. Henry Charles Johnson, extra songs by Mr. Fitzcarol, and comic songs, concluding with the " revolving statues," by Mr. Dust ! There was a bill to gratify the most in satiable, and, it being already past dark, the Napoleon of Small Affairs proceeded at once to the theatre to notify "the people." Mr. Fitzcarol was punctual, as usual ; and before the lights were all ready, Messrs. White and Johnson arrived, to know what was to be done. They were at once directed by the change of performance," which was formally displayed upon the caste-board," and, now, with a mind more at THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. 67 ease, the Small Affair manager went into his box-office with a formidable supply of tickets. - 'Tis not in mortals to command success," as is said somewhere in a book, and no one could find fault with Mr. Dust's arrangements upon the present occasion, but, unfortunately, the Great Small Affair dinner had attracted too much attention, for all Poker- ville not to be already aware of " how it came off;" and the 'possum disaster, with young Mr. Bagly to make the most of it, was already affording the town play enough for that night. The curtain rose to a slim house, and even these were not as much carried away by Manager Dust's eloquence as he flattered himself would be the case. However, they applauded, and the offer, distantly glanced at, of money being " re turned" was not likely to be taken advantage of, when there was a rush of six" without tickets in front, and every tongue of them informed the speaker before the curtain, that Mr. Waters had just been shot ! "Dead as a nit?" "Right through the head!" Up to the hotel!" By Dave Bagly !" The theatre was cleared in an instant, as was the box-office of its receipts, all running to " get the hang" of the scrape, and the Founder of the Drama in Pokerville, like other great men who had gone before him, was left to his own lights, alas ! There lay the veteran, sure enough, on the bar-room floor, his hair matted with blood, and Bagly, with a revolver iu his hand, and a cigar in his mouth, pacing up and down beside his expiring victim. There was 68 THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE, a great crowd about, and the chafed and excited man* ager soon mingled in it. The story was a very short and very plain one, as usual ; Mr. Waters had come into town, alone, rearin' up and playin' h 11 ;" had run foul of the wrong one, Mr. Bagly, and had got his brains blown out, "like a dog!" And Mr. Bagly was there, with five more barrels, to do the same for any gentleman who might say shucks !" Mr. Dust was not the man to use any offensive monosyllable of the kind ; but he did say that it was really unfortu nate !" and he requested Dr. Slunk to do all in his power, and, moreover, hearing his name muttered by the dying man, he took his hand kindly, and asked what he could do for him ? Dr. Slunk now ordered in a pail of water, and while manager and heavy man were thus tenderly connected, he unceremoniously dashed it in the face of the latter, who rose suddenly at the shock, looked around wildly, and asked if the curtain was up ? Mr. Dust started in no less surprise, when a scream of laughter burst from all quarters. "Sawed, by thunder!" "Small-affair sold!" "Good lick !" Send for the coroner !" and a thousand other triumphant jests at his expense, The manager was " sawed," as certainly as that Mr. Waters was not slain ; for, following up the possum success, Mr. Bagly had simply clotted the veteran's hair with a charge of red paint instead of his own brains, and the drench of cold water had restored these latter to consciousness, if not to sobriety. ; Dust's outward enjoyment of the joke was amaz- He laughed at himself twice as much.as any one else did ; declared his night's holiday to be worth more THE DRAMA IN POKER VILLE. 69 than the most profitable night of the season ; and as he had of course to stand the liquors," the way he in vited all to "come up," was as off-hand as popular! He drank, himself, too, and then he took " another" witft Dave Bagly, and "another" with Dr. Slunk; and then, what with his disappointments, and his fatigue, and his " keeping the thing up," he became extrava gant, and took two or three others ; and, finally, when young Bagly suggested that the Dr., Mr. Dust, and himself should take a friendly game of poker in Mr. Dust's own room as he was to be n single man for the night the manager said, " go it," and led the way up stairs in the highest possible spirits, and was soon muking the highest possible bets, and never stopped getting wilder, and "going" more and more on his cards, till his last draught on his funds was unhonoured, and, in a perfect whirl, calling for more "peach, "and lamenting Mrs. Oscar, and making arrangements to bury " the veteran," and changing the pieces, and d m g Coons-borough, he found himself on the bed, where, albeit, he was wrong end in ; he was right side up for all sleeping purposes, and so exeunt Messrs. Slunk arid Bagly. " And you mean to fix the thing, sure, to-night ?" inquired the hitter, of his companion, as they stood on the steps of the hotel. "Or shoot some one, by G d!" replied the M. D., savagely. "Put it through before daylight, or die! Give us light. My name's Captain Scott, I reckon !" The Captain Scott in question must have been a man of some invincible quality or other, if, with his name, the doctor assumed his manner on this occasion ! Some two hours after this, Mr. Dave Bagiy was 70 THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. shaken out of a favourite dream of his the exercise of a small sleight of hand in the case of certain cards by Cynthy, who hod returned to town, it seemed, and who told him, " Dat Massa Doc Slunk was Jyin' dead, for sure, under Miss Fanny's winder !" THE GREAT SMALL AFFAIR SCANDAL. FOR the first time within the circle of Pokerville * society" that is, the inner circle, on a fine Sab bath morning, too, there existed the flutter and fluster of a loud and lively scandal more, a theatrical scan dal ! From Parson Hyme, through every ramification of church connection, before nine o'clock, there was a foul mystery, an eager horror, a general "I said so !" stirring and thrilling, and goading every sense of decency and propriety into every utterance of pious regret and holy denunciation ! The fashionable leader," somehow, had more to do with it than any body else, for what could be expected of levelling her self with " such people ;" and Mrs. Wilson of the store- shed was particcps criminis, also, and even the store- shed itself was tried, condemned, and only waiting execution ! So much for introducing a theatre ! and so much for admitting actors into society! and so much for complimentary dinners! and so much for newspaper puffery ! and so much for fat leading la dies! and so much for light loose ones! Everybody knew it ! everybody said it ! everybody saw it. And now, pray, what was it all about ? THE DRAMA IN POKE&VILLE. 71 What! nothing more nor less than a brutal and bloody fight, at midnight, in Miss Fanny Wilkins's chamber, between two of her gallants, one of whom succeeded in throwing the other out of the window! That was the simple subject which was to feed Parson Hyme's morning discourse, and supply his whole con gregation for the remainder of the day ; with Mrs. Ma jor Slope and her entire literary and fashionable e/fywe. dashed over it as a seasoning. About the bar-rooms the excitement was equally great. Slunk was next to dead, that was certain ; con tusions all over his body, and talking as if out of his senses. He had evidently been thrown out of the win dow, and the only question was, who had done it ? Some hinted at Dave Bagly, and others at Tom Sky, and others that old Figurehead" Fitzcarol might be the man, in support of which idea, it was remembered that he had left the hotel at sunrise ; his constant cus tom every Sunday, poor fellow ; to wander in the country all day long. As for the negroes, they had their stories, too, built upon the positive averment of Cynthy, who happened to have been up, and who saw, with her own eyes, the " debbel" himself appear with Massa Slunk, not at Miss Fanny's window, but on the roof just above it, and after wringing his neck, chicken fashion, "drap" him right down, and then fly off in the shape of a big buzzard ! In the mean time, Fanny was struggling under an access of fever, but steadily refusing all attendance save that of Cynthy ; the doctor was undergoing a series of fomentations at the hand of Bagly ; and Manager Dust was endeavouring to recall his recollection under the interrogatories of Mrs. D., who, having recovered her stomach, and growing im- 72 THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. patient at Mr. D.'s delay in coming out for her, had caused herself to be driven in at once. Yes, my dear," said the manager, with a suppressed hiccough which he dexterously turned into an abrupt ah ! An attack similar to your own. It didn't come on until ah ! late, though, after the dismiss !" You dismissed, Mr. Dust!" Had to do it ; it was you or nothing, my dear. They demanded ah ! their money" "But in bed with your boots and clothes on! Why" "Just as I was attacked, my dear! Hadn't power to help myself! I thought of you though, my love aA/" Here the Napoleon of Small Affairs attempted to reach the pilcher, but brought himself up in exactly the opposite corner ; and then he brought himself down on a band-box, containing a choice couple of Mrs. D.'s stage -hats. " Dust !" cried the amazed lady, are you drunk?" " No, my dear, that d d 'possum, that's all !" ' Possum, sir! You have availed yourself of my absence suffering though I was to indulge in a de bauch !" And here, as if thrilled with a sudden pre sentiment, the indignant manageress rushed at him, thrust her hand into one of his side pockets, drew from it a bunch of keys, and opening a private drawer in their strong box, found it empty ! Du$t /" screamed the lady ; but with a surer aim than he had made at the pitcher, Dust hit the door handle and vanished, retreating, without a hope, the full length of the passage, and, finally, as the result of his Waterloo, exiling himself to his Helena Cynthy's mattress in the garret for the remainder of the day. THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. 73 JPrehaps," Parson Hyme didn't put it in to Polcer- ville for two mortal hours ; and prehaps Pokerville didn't wiggle, wince, and finally " flummix" right be neath him ! . . Mrs. Major Slope wasn't there, and pre- haps Parson Hyme didn't take advantage of it to talk about the desertion of one altar for that of another fashion! Mrs. Major Slope wasn't there, but Mrs. Wilson was, and jorchaps her round little husband didn't feel himself flattened right out, only wishing that he might also be rolled up and put away for ever more, out of all possible reach ; and jrehaps he didn't curse the day when he had consented that his store-shed should be condemned to fame and made a temple" of! Mr. Flush was there too, with Miss Mirny Hunter, and other ladies, and he really, at first sight, looked as if he was very much overcome by his self-reproaches, but it was recollected that he had had a dreadful time with his stomach the night before, so after all it might have been that. And Mr. Tom Sky was there, in his yellow kids, with another pew full of ladies ; but he, on the contrary, kept looking the Rev. Mr. Hyme right in the face all the time, except when he bent to void his tobacco juice, and, altogether, he carried it off as none but a man who was used to steamboat explosions possibly could have done. Everybody went home piously sharpened up for their dinner, over which, conjecture, comment and sur prise were as rife as ever. And now, by way of keep ing up the excitement, every horse and every vehicle was chartered for the afternoon, and juleps, milk punches, and ten-pins, out of town, brought round the evening. Manager Dust was sought for in vain, while the editor of the Palladium puffed his cigar, arid affected a close 7 74 THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. knowledge of the whole affair, his conduct being an acted illustration of his article for the next morning, in which he stated that " motives of delicacy dictated a suppression of particulars, for the present." The theatrical world was big with further events, which cast their shadows before, too, not the least ghastly of which was the classic veteran, Mr. Waters, who, still muddled, mysterious, and full of ill-defined, but indig nant grandeur, paced the bar-room of. the hotel ejacu lating "pickles!" and screwing his face about as if in the act of swallowing, compulsorily, a very sour one. THE GREAT SMALL AFFAIR CHASTISEMENT. MONDAY Morning! The Palladium faithfully appeared, giving a full report of the Great Small Affair dinner all but the 'possum, that dish not being inserted in the carte at all. A brief editorial alluded to a certain " un pleasant" affair, as has been mentioned, and a very long and enthusiastic editorial reminded the taste and beauty of Pokerville, that the amiable and "genius- gifted" Mrs. Oscar Dust took her benefit on that even ing. A new piece was to be performed, and, there being a positive necessity for her presence, Miss Fanny Wil- kins, though seemingly more dead than alive, made her appearance at rehearsal ; she was evidently suffering, mentally, from some cause or other, though what it was she kept to herself; and, in fact, there was little show of sympathy to induce confidence. Mrs. Oscar Dust was wrapt in gloom and distance, at the prompt ta 1 ^ ' THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. 76 waiting for Mr. Dust, who had run down to the print ing office ; Mr. Kemble White, striding up and down over a new part, was wrapt up in future greatness, Mr. Waters was wrapt up in a misty recollection of some extraordinary circumstance or other for which he had to apologize ; and Mr. Johnson was about town, borrow ing properties. Mr. Fitzcarol was naturally the last person who would hear any thing in the way of scandal, never dealing in the article, and, besides, he had spent the day before in exploring the hills and hollows, not that he was entirely ignorant that Fanny was spoken against, but then he knew that Mrs. Dust couldn't en dure her, and the other followed, as a matter of course. Besides, Fanny had never invited his interference in any way, and he had too much delicacy by broaching the subject, to make her think, perhaps, that it was necessary. He was now describing to her the incidents of his ramble, and suggesting to her a ride over the same track as likely to do her good, when Mr. John son rushed in with the information that Dr. Slunk, pistol in hand, was parading before the door of the theatre ! Fanny Wilkins turned pallid and nearly fainted at the news. There was a general thrill ! Something desperate was impending, and who knew who might not come in for a share of it ! Mrs. Oscar Dust started up, her face glowing with a pent-up rage. So, Miss Wilkins, public exposure at last ! shame ful and abandoned ; regardless of propriety as destruc tive of the best interests of the establishment ! Dis appointment, dismissal, and disgrace, Miss ; these are your appeals to public notice ! closed on Saturday ; ruined again to night ; disgraceful !" The indignant manageress took several short turns, 76 THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. of the entire breadth of the proscenium, whilst Fanny, first flushing up to her temples, assayed to speak, but, choking with emotion, changed to a burst of passionate sobs and tears. Mr. Fitzcarol was all amazement .' " Gracious me !" said he, this is very strange very ! It is cruel distinctly it is ! You charge Miss Wilkins, madam, with misconduct! I'll see what this gentleman m*ans myself!" He turned to go, but ere making a step Fanny stopped him with almost a wild earnest ness. " No ! no ! not for the world, Mr. Fitzcarol ! It w me he wishes to see, for Heavens sake not you ! I'll go to him !" arid while all stood motionless in sur prise, she dropped her veil and walked rapidly without. Mr. Dust was coming as rapidly down the street as his yet unsteady legs would permit, when what was his surprise to see Dr. Slunk a patch on one side of his face, and a terrible swelling on the other his eyes, too, inflamed as if with other stimulant than passion ad vancing in swaggering triumph with Miss Fanny Wilkins on his arm, and followed at a short distance by Mr. Jake Bagly and a crowd as leering and chuck ling as himself. Why, doctor ah " " How are you, Dust," said the doctor, patronizingly, assuming a familiar air with Fanny, at the same time. Ah-a, Miss Wilkins," continued the manager, " the rehearsal is surely not over !" "The fact is, Dust," said the doctor, "you must spare Miss Fanny this morning, for I can't ; she has an engagement with me, now !" A laugh from the crowd behind was heard, and with a shudder Fanny pressed forward. THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. 77 She'll be all right at night, Dust!" cried Slunk, using a theatrical phrase, jeeringly, and in another mo ment the manager was surrounded by Bagly and his crowd." He was quizzed and slapped on the back, and old hoss'd," when, suddenly, he felt himself, also, grasped by the collar, and the next, a stinging, whizzing, cutting, maddening shower of lashes, from a cowskin, saluted his back and shoulders ! Now rose such a mingled yelling-shout, scream and laughter as never had been heard in Pokerville. Hats off" Encore" Music" Go it, major" Keep up the Dust" "A little more 'possum" "First time this season" Particular request," &c. In the mean time, exercising unusual activity, and with the most eager desire in the world to explain," if he might only be permitted, Manager Dust threw himself into more positions than ever he had studied for the revolving statues ! Whack thwack, came the blows : skip slip trip went the manager; Hurraw ! went the crowd, till, finally, as coolly as could be, Major Slope emptied his mouth of an accumulation of tobacco juice, let go of Mr. Dust's collar, and then, merely re marking that the next time that gentleman wished to correspond with him (the major) he hoped that he (the major) might be permitted to write his own replies, he (the major) took a fresh chew and walked off. < This was an unparalleled proceeding. The aston ished Small Affair Manager appealed to the crowd if it wasn't? A man who had forced attentions upon him! one whose house and household had been placed at his disposal ! Their wives bosom friends ! In his whole career he had never felt so amazed ! He could not be lieve it even then ! It wasn't real ! In fact, it hadn't 78 THE DRAMA IN POKERV1LLE. taken place ! Manager Dust, however, rubbed his shoul ders, and evinced an uneasiness under his broadcloth, rather indicative of the painful truth of the matter ; but the gentlemen of the company" now appearing, he was again seized with an anxiety regarding the rehear sal ; he hoped that Mr. Fitzcarol would ascertain when Miss Wiikins would probably be down ; and he begged that Mr. White would at once return with him, and what with his wriggling his shoulders, and his business airs with " the company," and his keeping it up with the crowd, he had more on his hands than even the Napoleon of Small Affairs could get along with ! He finally sloped with a lively step for the theatre, and the screaming crowd took their way to the hotel. Miss Fanny Wiikins sat in her room, apparently ren dered speechless by the tumult of her emotions; Doc tor Slunk, with a malignant enjoyment, sat familiarly near her, and Cynthy, with one hand on the door, as if to keep it open, stood glow'ring and puckering out her huge lips, when a tap was heard, and Mr. Fitzcarol respectfully made his obeisance. Doctor Slunk's brows contracted, and he started up. Well, sir," he cried, "what do you want?" Fanny Wilkins's simple, pretty, round little face, pre sented every hollow, line, and angle, of affright and desolation. Miss Wiikins," said Fitzcarol, "in spite of your prohibition, I have called to interpose between you and a gentleman whose strange conduct, it really ap pears to me, you seem to compel yourself to submit to. You know I would not take a liberty " "/know you lie, sir!" exclaimed the doctor, swell- THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. 79 ing with passion, but by G-d, you will no longer take them here ! Tell him so, Miss !" . Tell me rather, Miss Fanny," said the vocalist, with quite a tinge of colour on his cheek, << that I may take a libertythat of throwing this insulting fellow out of the window !" This was said in a calm, I-mean-what-I-say sort of tone, and Slunk's face changed from purple to blue, and from blue to green, and his glance became unset tled for an instant. "Oh, go ! go ! he will kill you!" shrieked Fan ny ; and, as if challenged to maintain his character by the cry, the chamelion-complexioned hero drew a pis tol ; but while in the act of aiming it, Cynthy threw a pillow in his face, and under that cover rushed forward and pinioned his arms in her embrace. You aint a gwine to do no shootin' here, massa doc !" cried Cynthy ; " I carry you down stairs, and drap you for sure !" The doctor cursed and struggled, but he was no thing in the hands of the huge wench, big as he was. On his finally abandoning his attempts, she snatched the weapon from his hand, and released him. " You black devil !" roared the doctor. Wai, I is some, for sure, Massa Slunk !" chuckled Cynthy, and then she whistled carelessly, by way of a crow over her triumph. " As for you, you d d strolling death's-head," said the doctor, complimenting the singer, at the same time going towards the door, if you think your ears essen tial to your beauty, you'll have to fight for them!" With a fierce look, and a fiercer slam of the door, he disappeared. 80 THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. He'll kill you ! He'll kill you !" cried poor Fan,- ny, wringing her hands ; He sent me a message, this morning, that he would do so, the next time he found you in my company ! I left the theatre with him to prevent him shooting you !" And now that Fanny had commenced her story, she soon relieved her heart by detailing a series of insults and persecutions, to make the coolest blood boil again. Immediately on her arrival in town, Slunk had thrown himself in her way ; when disappointed in his expecta tions of a reception, he had addressed notes to her, the first of which Cynthy had been the bearer of, but soon learning to sympathize with the friendless girl, the kindly wench had turned round and became her body guard in the house, as Fitzcarol had been her pro tection, unknowingly, out of it. Even locked within ^Jkt ^chamber, she had not been free from alarm ; a thou- -^"ScnilHngenious cruelties had been resorted to, while, abroad, the words and manner of her persecutor com promised her as effectually as if she had been guilty, as has been seen. Without a soul to look to for de fence isolated from the company, save in the case of the good-natured vocalist, whose personal safety, she shuddered as she thought, she was endangering the poor girl had given herself up to a despair, which had finally laid her on a bed of sickness. " Yes, an* dat's all you knows, Miss Fanny," said Cynthy, with a strange twinkling of her eyes, but de debbil gin Massa Slunk goss, night 'fore las', I reck on !" and here she laughed with a mirth that was un accountable. " You doesn't know nuffin, Miss Fanny, kase you was fas' asleep, an' sick an' moanin', and I jes' kept THE DRAMA IN POKERVXLLE. 81 shady ever since. Well, night 'fore las', I know'd you'd want me, kase I guessed wot Massa Doc was arter, wen I see him look so brae at him wittles, an' so you know I cum in to sleep in your room, Miss Fanny, same as ebery other night, kase you 'fraid to sleep alone, an' 'way long in de night, I hears a sorter pushin' at de winder. I kep' shady, Miss Fanny, bress de Lord, I did no light dar an' bime-by a man pushes de winder clar up, an' I sees it was de doctor, on a ladder. You needn't feel skeer'd, Miss Fanny, I was dar, all shady, and jes' as he goes to puttin 1 in one leg he kotch it, lor' a massy, Miss Fanny, all dis big double fis' \vicl de bones in, right spang in de eyes, and down he drapped wid de ladder over him, an' I kep' shady still, jes' to see if he was gwine to try it agin, Miss Fanny ! Wall, he lay dar so quiet, dat I goes down an' puts away de ladder, jes' to bod- der 'em, an' den I goes and wakes up Massa Jake Bagly, an' de poor silly niggers all over de place jes* swar for sartin it was de debbil, an' guess Massa Slunk tink so, too, for he nebber get hit dat way afore, for sure !" The wench wound up her story with a convulsion of laughter, and Fanny and the vocalist were equally wrapt up in amazement, at the atrocity of the attempt, and the manner of its defeat ; it was indeed news to both of them. Is it possible," at length said Fitzcarol, that you have been exposed to these outrages! As sure as I'm alive, Miss Fanny, I will punish that man se verely." Oh, do not interfere ; you are not used to fight ing !" cried Fanny ; and this was accompanied by a 82 THE DRAMA IN POKERV1LLE. look of generous pity, as it were, for the disfigured vocalist's fancy, that he could even acquire a know ledge of that accomplishment ! "But I wUl fight, Miss Fanny, and he shall fight! He has insulted us all, and I mil fight !" "And can you really fight, Mr. Fitzcarol ?" said Fanny, with an innocent yet anxious air of in quiry. "I never have, Miss Fanny," replied Fitz, "but that man is a ruffian, and -it is impossible that he can stand before a gentleman, fairly." Fanny's pale cheek grew red, her eyes sparkled, and, as if suddenly assured, she started from her chair and took her champion's hands : " Then fight him, Mr. Fitzcarol ! Fight him ! pun ish him ! not because he has insulted me t but because he could, under any circumstances, oppress a poor lone girl ! Fight him, and I will pray for you ! Fight him, and I will thank you bless you love you all my life Fanny's torrent of emotion was checked by a knock at the door. Mr. Bagly wanted to see Mr. Fitzcarol, down stairs, and Mr. Fitzcarol was eager at once to see Mr. Bagly, for he brought a challenge, no doubt and, with Fanny's earnest gratitude ringing in the vo calist's ears, and her tearful yet sparkling eyes glitter ing in his brain, he felt more like a hero than if he had twice his nose ! He was occupying " a position !" He was, in large letters, a star ! yes, he was once more " a feature !" Mr. Bagly had brought a challenge, which was ac cepted at once, and Fitz was just endeavouring to think of a friend," when he saw the 'editor of the THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. 83 Palladium, who, among his limited acquaintance, would probably do as well as any other. Mr. Case was very sorry, lamented the necessity, &c., but it was good matter for the paper, and Mr. Case would serve, certainly. He retired with Mr. Bagly, and, after a time, returned to tell his principal that every thing was arranged for half an hour after dinner pistols, ten paces, back of the grave-yard, &c. The hour was an unusual one, but the thing would be settled the sooner; and, after all, it was much more sensible to fight on roast-beef and brandy and water, than on a biscuit and cup of coffee. Mr. Fitz was equally satis fied with the arrangement, and the philosophy of it, and so went to take a long walk, happier in Miss Fanny's heart-kindling warmth of gratitude than he had been since his first triumphant success in Count Belino ! THE GREAT SMALL AFFAIR DUEL. THE Pokerville dinners were proverbially fast, but there never had been such time made as ajt the hotel on this occasion ! It was a single dash ; and from the start, on bacon and greens, to the come home, on ap ple-pie, it was whip and spifr, and no mistake about it ! It was to be none of your sneaking, shivering, break o' day duels, but a sociable meeting for the benefit of all, and, apparently, all were determined to avail themselves of it. And now, in order that Poker ville should have no advantage over the reader, he had better be let, at once, into the town secret, namely, 84 THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. that it was to be a sham duel, at the expense of the town-quiz, < Old Figurehead ;" otherwise the Fea ture ;" otherwise Mr. Fitzcarol ! It was another of Mr. Jake Bagly's ideas, who, since the brilliant suc cess of the 'possum and murder hoaxes, was a big dog" as well as the doctor, and could do as he d d pleased," any how ! He proposed it ; the doctor objected, swearing he'd have a sure enough shot ; but then he reflected that he'd have to stand a sure enough shot in return, and so he gradually yielded to his friend's arguments ; which were, that the singer, being made to believe that he had killed his antagonist, and being threatened with a lynch ing, would leave town at once, and so yield the field and Fanny to his rival, without the fuss of an inquest, burial, &c. Doctor Slunk hated his an tagonist heartily, for, albeit, he had commenced by despising him, yet his own lack of success with Fan ny had taught him jealousy of another, and, finally, if it were not the vocalist who had knocked him off the ladder, who the d 1 could it have been ? How ever, he consented ; and Mr. Case, of the Palladium, did not require much urging, either, to join in the laugh against such a soft shell" as his phiz-battered principal was, and so the word was passed about, and all was settled. The grave-yard was just back of Pokerville ; and just back of the grave-yard, between the wall and the wood, was a retired little strip of grass, very much frequented by cattle, and which, these latter driven from their ruminations, would answer very well as a duelling-ground. The grave-yard wall was lined with heads, and from THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. 85 behind every tree, on the other side, stood 'a peeping spectator. In the centre, stood a group composed of Dr. Slunk, his second, and surgeon ; and now, amid a very becoming gravity, (Pokerville wags being famous for thin faces,) Mr. Busby Case drove up with his prin cipal. The " feature" got out quietly, received the case of pistols ; Mr. Case hitched his horse, and the parties" confronted each other. - Dr. Slunk's air was implacable, and Mr. Bagly's was haughty ; the surgeon had already made formidable parade of his instru ments, and there was bloody work in preparation, sure as shooting. Mr. Bagly had a few words with his principal, who drew himself up twice as stitfly ; and Mr. Case had a few words with his principal, who merely pointed to the pistol case ; and then the two seconds approached, and then the pistols were loaded, and there was a toss-up for choice of them, and another toss-up for the word ; and then the ground was mea sured, and then the parties were placed. The bob- bing-up from behind the wall and from behind the trees was very active now, for a minute ; but each got his agreeable point of sight, and things went on once more very decorously. Somehow or other the feature" had not shown the least uneasiness or alarm, so far, and there was nothing to laugh at. He was there prepared coolly to behave like a man ; and some few, who were not altogether satisfied that Dr. Slunk was Julius Caesar, began to wish that it was a downright test of behaviour on both parts. Gentlemen," said Dave Bagly, in a severe voice, as if in full militia uniform, attention ! You remem ber the terms : fire between one and three. We have the word : Are you ready ?" 8 86 THE DRAMA TO POKERVILLE. The word was given the discharges were together when Dr. Slunk dropped his pistol and staggered ! Taking his hand away from his side, there appeared a dismal blotch of blood, and now, in the act of " biting the dust," he suddenly arrested his fall and stood up again, as if looking for a clean place ; for, as has been remarked, the cows had been there, and the doctor had but just escaped them, curse them ! He now fell as if very dead ; but his balk had raised a scream of laughter from every throat, and his antagonist, sur prised at it, also seemed to be suddenly struck with the truth, and, collaring Mr. Busby Case, he demanded to know if he had been trifled with ? N-n-ow, don't be angry !" Mr. Case would have said ; but his first stammer was enough, and, before he could articulate a syllable, he received a sling and a kick that sent him headlong under his own buggy ! Two springs, and the feature" had Dr. Slunk and and AM second by their respective collars! Cheer after cheer now broke from every side, and the crowd gathering round, with a sudden revulsion of feeling, not one among them but would have heartily seen the two captive contrivers kicked into fits first, and into the river afterwards. Mr. Dave Bagly drew his bowie- knife ; but dropped it immediately, as Tom Sky popped into the feature's" hand a revolver, while the doctor, with his green look, endeavored to smile, but only to make his ugly captor thrice handsome by comparison. " Gentlemen, all," said the vocalist, as if afraid of indulging his passion, I am entirely unused to these affairs. I hardly know the etiquette; but, really, I think I ought to cut the ears from these persons!" "Go it '."cried a dozen voices; "put it to 'em, THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. 87 Fitz ; you're a team, by thunder !" D d shame, any how." " Can't bluff you, old hoss." No back out," &c. &c. A tremendous big boatman now whipped a cord out of his pocket, bound the hands of Slunk and his second, and then jraade a dart at Mr. Busby Case ; but that sufficiently cautioned gentleman, already in his buggy, now set off, express , for the Palladium office. "No other paper had the news" on that occasion distinctly. The First singer" and wasn't he a first singer in this business ? would not push his triumph to ex tremity ; nor is it necessary to detail all Dr. Slunk's dogged apologies and acknowledgments. Suffice, that all Pokerville " got the hang" of the Miss Wilkins's mystery at last ; that she was a confessed angel at once, and that her champion was the only feature in town ! As for Cynthy, she received more dresses, and shoos, and half-hand kerchiefs, and half dollars, than she knew what to do with, while her midnight achieve ment was sung to banjo accompaniments on every plantation in the neighbourhood. The Dust party was nowhere ! There wasn't enough of it left to render a broom necessary. The benefit was another dismiss ; and, moreover, two weeks' salary being due next morning, and Manager D. having been cleaned out on the Saturday night previous, all he had to do was to bring his season to a premature close, and leave his foundation in Pokerville to be built on- by some more fortunate architect. But wasn't there a house a few nights afterwards, when Miss Fanny Wilkins's complimentary concert carne off? Not only Mrs. Major Slope, but Mr. Major Slope patronized" it heartily ; while Mrs. Store-shed 88 THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE, Wilson, and even Parson Hyme's strict church mem bers, turned out en masse, more particularly as it wasn't to a play." The editor of the Palladium made the amende honorable, as far as he was concerned, and even acted as door-keeper, simply keeping out of the receipts the amount of " the bills ;" and, when all the encores were over, and Mr. Fitzcarol got quite as many of them as the other "feature," and the wreath was thrown, and the gentleman led forward the lady to crown her, and did it very gallantly " at that," amid the applause and enthusiasm, there was more than one who whispered that they wouldn't be a bit surprised if it were a match, after all." WHAT WAS BUILT ON THE GREAT SMALL AFFAIR FOUNDATION. IN these latter-day times, it is but a small skip from Pokerville to one of the large Atlantic cities ; so, if you please, in one of them, tolerably up town, you will imagine a snug little house standing back, with a grass- plat in front; and, now, walking in with us, you will see in the back room a tidy, round little woman, laugh ing all over her face, and clapping her hands, and, ever and anon, running up to a bed and poking her finger into the fat sides of an uncommon fine child," which lies there crowing and kicking up its rosy little feet, and exposing itself in the highest style of infantile abandon. It is all nonsense to attempt the baby-talk ; suffice that it was florid to a degree, and might have puzzled THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. 89 the most apt interpreter of maternal rapture. One little gush, though, from its constant repetition, might be safely ventured, and that was, that the Dod-a-bessed, had faser's eyes, and faser's mouse, and faser's nosey, too!" In the midst of the exercise, a carriage was heard to drive up without, and, running to the front window, the little woman heightened her smile by a rosy flush and a radiant sparkle that rendered her, actually, little less than an illumination! . " Why, I declare," cried she, if Fitz hasn't brought home Mam'selle Nathalie to see baby !" And wasn't the door thrown open, and the hall-chairs set back for the richest kind of a dress, shawl, &c., garbing as they did a really kind and benevolent crea ture; albeit she did certainly put the screws to the managers awfully during her " extraordinary successful engagements," which invariably closed the theatre for the rest of the season ! " Well, you are so kind, mam'selle yes, the passage is too narrow, and the chains shall come out, Fitz. This way, mam'selle ; I know what you've come to see ; and it's been laughing and crowing so all the morning, just as if it knew you were coming. There, now, take off your hat, and, Fitz, you get a glass of wine, and stop, now stop don't look yet, there I Don't you hear it ? Coo-oo-oo-oo." Fanny, Fanny," said Mr. Fitzcarol, with a tone of indulgent censure, yet with a round smile circling the zig-zag of his usual expression, what a fool you do make of yourself with that child. Let me show it to you, mam'selle ; coo-oo-oo-oo" And then Mr. Fitz poked his fingers in its sides, 8* 90 THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. and dandled, and danced it, and, finally, after a score of kisses all round, it was put back on the bed, and there was a comparative calm in the house. And this was the celebrated Mam'selle Nathalie, now the idol of both hemispheres, the queen of the ballet, the preservation of whose legs, years before, as has been mentioned, cost poor unselfish Mr.Fitecarol alike his "position" and his nose! The ci-devant < feature" had at length settled down into obscurity and a good salary, as prompter of a leading theatre, where his steadiness and conscientious observance of. duty made him an invaluable man," and where his cheerful, grateful, and affectionate little wife, with her bright face and naive manners, was a perfect pet" and an unspoiled one as the representative of every possible description of smart, tidy, piquant little body in cap, ribands, and apron. Mam'selle Nathalie had thus found her old acquaintance, and, full of lively recollection for the indescribably sweet smile which gave witchery to her other graces had its origin in a refined nature she had taken the first opportunity of evincing the interest she took in his unostentatious menage. Ah, 'tis sweet enfant, Monsieur Feets ; and 'tis ver like you, too, mon cher ogly, old fren, for I see < Otel- lo's visage en his face,' comme say you grand poote Shakspierre !" If she had said in his mind" she would have been nearer the author, but it was pretty well for a French quotation of him, and it pleased papa amazingly. The truth is, he had experienced much anxiety of mind with regard to the expected baby's probable mould of feature; for albeit "faser's nose" is always the first THE DRAMA IN POKERVILLE. 91 trait to trace the desired resemblance in, he was not exactly sure, being in all things a primitive creature, but that a broken nasus, especially one of such long standing, might transmit itself, What was his satisfac tion, then, to find the young one just as much a roman as if he had been born years before ! It showed, too, that beneath his present mask mam'selle saw, gratefully, only the good-looking face of her early friend, the "first singer.' " Do you know, mam'selle," chimed in Mrs. Fanny, that is what I'm always telling him, though he only says < pshaw !' I can see every line of his face, in ba by's, just as well as I can see my own in a glass ; and I know by that just exactly how he looked before his accident, poor fellow ; not that that makes any differ ence, for I do believe I love him twice as well for it; and when I remember that I used at one time to think him almost a fright, I love him twice as well for that for he risked his life for me, mam'selle ; and, more than that, he saved me from insult and undeserved shame ; he did, and without expectation of return, or even the idea that I ever could love him my poor dear Fitz!" And here the little woman "ioo-AooV right out," as the orientals of Varmount have it, and threw herself incontinently full on to his breast, and hung round his neck, and went on in a surprising way for such a mere artificial as an actress. The great " star" wiped her eyes, and $en kissed sobbing Mrs. Fanny, fondly, and shook the overcome prompter feelingly by the hand, and finally kissed and hugged the baby, once more, as if it had been her own. By this time, all were smiling again and saying, "pshaw, how foolish !" And, now, mam'selle declared 92 THE DRAMA IN POKEEVILLE. her intention of staying to dinner, spending the after- and riding down to the theatre for the perform ance ; an arrangement which just put the last inde scribable tint upon the coleur de rose of the most oddly- paired and happiest couple that ever " smelt the lamps." "Curtain bell," as they have it in the prompt-books; so once more imagine the snug dinner, and the cheerful chat, and the broken English, and the sprinkle of mu sic, and the cup of delicious tea, and the announce ment of carriage is come ; and, last of all, as being the most fitting moment, the kind offer of mam'selle to dance " one leetle pas" for the benefit of her old D/eu" preserver ! It was proper just but more, it was delicately done, and the gratitude it earned was as that due to a sister! It was a handsome instalment oil a great debt, but its chief value was in the rich music of the heart which it inspired, on both sides. And now, with the applica tion for places ringing in our ears, and the comfortable consequences revealing themselves to our ready per ceptions of the agreeable, we tuck up the baby, leave thrice repeated, and every way unnecessary injunctions with the sufficiently experienced nurse, look at the fire, blow out the candle, pack ourselves with a band-box into the carriage along with the happy "star" and doubly happy lesser lights, and leaving them at the brilliant and already crowded theatre, we light a cigar, with the reflection, "Well, thus much good, at least, came of the foundation of THE DRAMA IN POKER VILLE!" THE BENCH AND BAR OF JURYTOWN. JURYTOWN is the greatest place in the west, as every* body knows ; and the next tallest thing to its liberty* pole, is its court-house, which beats its big hotel all to smash, though it ain't half finished either. When said court-house shall get its pillars up, and its pave* ments down, according to confident calculations, it is bound" to lay every thing in the way of architec ture west of the Alleghanies out cold," and no mis take! Jurytown has its circuit court, and its county court, and its criminal court, and its common pleas, to say nothing of minor tribunals, including any quantity" of justices of profound capacity. The Bar of Jury- town is of a like extensive scale, doubtless, much to said bar's own satisfaction, and the admiration of all beside. Decayed two-story houses, dark passages, and dingy " shingles" abound, of course, as well as- the corresponding number of brilliant speakers, shining politicians, and disinterested candidates. It is a great treat to contemplate, occasionally, the Bench and Bar of Jurytown. The scene is of a very republican cha racter, still, fortunately ; bare throats, shirt sleeves, and tobacco, retaining the ascendency over emasculate black coats, clean floors, and etiquette. 03 94 THE BENCH AlfD BAR OF JURYTOWN. To be A No. 1," amid these perfections is, of course, high honour; and Judge Frill's court is the model court of Jurytown. Judge Frill is a refined man, was " ever so long at college," and ain't done "learnin' things" yet; has a heap of money, more over, and wears gold spectacles ! Judge Frill, when he mounted the bench, went in for having things right, of course ; he objected to shirt sleeves, eschewed to bacco, and decidedly set his face against swearing except in the legal form. Judge Frill, though, hadn't a fair shake at first ; he held his court in a rather scant pattern of an apartment of the old building, which didn't second his dignity at all, and it was therefore a proud day for him, when, translated to his grand new room in the great new court-house, he viewed his more fitting stage of judicial action. The cause was one of intense interest. Mr. Grire, a " powerful man," was expected to make a "great effort ;" the new court-house itself was a matter of curiosity, and, over piles of brick, through a sedge of shavings, all Jurytown precipitated itself into Judge Frill's future temple. The crowd was dense, the day warm, coat sleeves were numerous, and to bacco abundant. The front spittors in the gallery, un der the press, distributed their salivary favours, indis criminately, below ; the spittees below were equally liberal towards each others' legs, and what with the blowing of noses, and a characteristic bronchitis, there was the most awful clearing of throats, haw/cing, and horn-blowing that ever Judge Frill had listened to ! It must here be stated, that the judge whether it was that he always had something at the tip of his tongue, which he never let go off, or for some other reason THE BENCH AND BAR OF JURYTOWN. 95 h really was not affectation, could not trill the letter R, he invariably made a W of it ; and thus it was under the most imperative orders that Mr. Sheriff" and Mr. Gwire," and a number of other officials, now set to work to obtain silence, and an observance of court etiquette. The court was opened, and the cause commenced, but under the disadvantages of disturbing causes which sorely troubled Judge Frill's official equilibrium. A new judge in a new court-room ; and, if he was na turally fastidious, he was now somewhat fussy. The cause, amid interruptions both from bench and au dience, had struggled on, and Mr. Grire was in his argument when Judge Frill, in evident fidgets, cried: Stop, Mr. Gwiah ! Mr. Sheriff, this court can't hear, and it insists upon respect !" Mr. Sheriff bawled out, Si-Zence," in a tone that deafened all but him self; and Judge Frill, in a bland manner, said, " Pro ceed, Mr. Gwiah." Mr. Gwiah did "proceed," and, albeit there was a considerable snorting nnd spitting, still the jury and audience were becoming quite inte rested, when Judge Frill again interrupted : Stop, Mr. Gwiah, Mr. Shewiff ! This court de sires that you would signify that this court can't go on unless there is less hawking in the gallewy !" Si-knee, and stop spitting!" fulmined Mr. Sheriff", at the same time changing his own old quid for a juicy three fingers' full. Pwoceed, Mr. Gwiah," said Judge Frill, once more, with a gracious wave of the hand ; but scarcely had the restive orator given a toss of the head before he was again checked with a " Stop, Mr. Gwiah. This court insists upon proper 96 THE BENCH AND BAR OF JURYTOWN. etiquette. Mr. Sheriff ! Mr. Sheriff!" But this high officer was absent, having privately withdrawn for some unaccountable reason. This court can't go on, Mr. Gunah, without its proper officers. Mr. Sheriff" an active search had been instituted, of course, and Mr; ShewifF" now appeared at a side-door, very much flurried, and ad justing his dress. " Please your honour," said he, I was really obliged to" " Oh, yes, I see," interrupted the judge with a grave yet benign recognition of human neces sities, til see! Mr. Sheriff, this court directs you to take down that leg!" Judge Frill here pointed with great determination at a sort of privileged worthy who was in the habit of haunting the court-rooms, and who now sat within the bar, with one leg thrown over the railing. Mr. Sheriff deliberately " took down" the leg, to its owner's amaze ment ; and Mr. "Gwiah" once more had permission to proceed. Chafed, and absolutely pawing, off he dashed, made a good quarter, and was exhibiting a "straight tail," when the gates were shut before him. Stop, Mr. Gwiah ! Mr. Sheriff; this court can't hear ! This court directs that the windows be closed, forthwith." As stated, it was a warm day, and this order was received with a general whew !" and a terribly in creased hawking, but " si-Zence" resounded, and bound ed, as it were, from wall to wall, and down came the sashes. " Proceed, Mr. Gwiah." But it would have taken more mettle than half a dozen orators could* have com- THE BENCH AND BAR OF JURYTOWN. 97 manded, to have carried him through the snorting, blowing, and "whewing" that now prevailed; he made a brush for it, however, when the futile effort was, this time, considerately arrested. Stop y Mr. Gwiah ; this court is satisfied that the last expedient of this court is ineffectual. Mr. Sheriff, open the windows." Agh !" breathed everybody, with intense satisfaction, and at the same time, as if to repay themselves for recent deprivation, every mother's son indulged in a new chew and a hearty expectora tion. "Stop, Mr. Gwiah." Mr. Gunah hadn't exactly recommenced ; but Judge Frill had adopted this form of blank, as it were. This court can't hear! Mr. Sheriff, you will please learn if there is any one acquainted with the science of sound present, in order that this court may ascertain why it can't hear." There was a great deal of ceremonious inquiry, and one gentleman was named ; but it turned out that his only knowledge of sound consisted in the art and mys tery of tuning pianos. Another young gentleman was an optician ; that is, he made spectacles, and that was pretty near, but still not satisfactory. At length the old worthy, who had had his leg taken down, named Dr. Stofllebricht, whose name frequently had appeared in the papers in connection with hard words and un known discoveries, was called and stood up, perfectly prepared to make himself understood in any known language, except English. Dr. Stofllebricht, aided by his eyebrows, shoulders, hands, and an interpreter all fully employed was going deeply into acoustic principles^ talking about 98 THE BENCH- AND BAR OF JURYTOWN. elastic media, vibratory motion, and the tympanum, when his science was cut short. Stop, Dr. Stofflebricht ; this court simply wants to know if there is any thing in the construction of this hall which forbids this court hearing." A terrible hammering immediately over"this court's" head, induced as sudden a call for Mr. Sheriff: Mr. Sheriff, this court directs that you instantly forbid those workmen stopping this court by their hammering. Proceed, Dr. Stofflebricht ; this court wishes to know if you detect any fault of construction in this hall ?" Dr. Stofflebricht was again running into the intrica cies of deflection and reflection. Stop, Dr. Stoffle bricht. Mr. Sheriff, what do those workmen say to this court ?" " Why, they say they won't /" A trebled thunder ing above sufficiently backed the declaration of their intentions. "Mr. Sheriff, go instantly to those workmen, and say that this court says they must stop their hammer ing. Proceed, Dr. Stofflebricht." But, instead of opening the mouth, it was more necessary to stop the ears at this moment a perfect battery of hammers having opened them ! The storm was kept up, and, finally, the sheriff again made his appearance. "Mr. Sheriff," cried Judge Frill, now decidedly roused to an assertion of every inch of his dignity, what do those workmen say to this court nor?" Why," replied the sheriff, they say that this court may go to h 11 !" Proceed, Dr. Stofflebricht" There was an end to the proceedings, though ; for at that moment, a quarter section of plaster, loosened THE BENCH AND BAR OF JURYTOWN. 99 by the rattle above, came smothering down upon Judge Frill's head, desk, and other movables! A scream that the house was falling adding to the dust, Judge Frill himself proceeded out of the side-door without further notice of adjournment ; and "Mr. Sheriff" departed to wash his mouth out," himself in charge of the jury. A correct return of killed and wounded was never published ; nor did Judge Frill prosecute inquiry into the matter not desiring, we suppose, to undergo a second Jurytown hammering. A SUCKER IN A WARM BATH, OUR friend Louis, of the Italian Baths," St. Louis, has just about the nicest arrangements in the shape of a bath that an up-river roan can desire ; but still he hasn't, after all, got the latest touch" in the way of his cocks, and that we found out recently at the St. Charles, New Orleans. We called in to see our old acquaintance, the Irish lady, who does the towels, &c., and who more stretch to her girdle resembles no thing fleshly in petticoats, except it be Falstaff, dis guised as the fat woman of Bentford," in the Merry Wives. We were shown into a bathing-room, and there we discovered that an entire new plan of letting in and letting off the water had been introduced. We saw a shining brass plate with three polished handles, having a crank" turn, and elegantly lettered beneath, *> Hot," Cold," Waste." " D'ye understand the cocks ?" said Mrs. McTowell. Oh, certainly," said we, for the credit of St. Louis and the Italian Baths. The fat mistress of the myste ries shut herself out. We went to work very confi dently at the handles ; heard a desperate gwg'gling up through polished gratings in the bottom of the "tub;" prepared ourselves leisurely for the luxury, and but we have another story to tell about the matter, and, as 100 A SUCKER IN A WARM BATH. 101 that other is rather the richer of the two, we shall only say that, between hot " and " coW," we never were so cocked in our life. Having managed to get a bath on the improved plan without exposing our ignorance, we left the place, and were met at the corner by a rough, but estimable friend from northern Illinois one who has made a fortune among the diggings," and one who can afford to take a splurge" every now and then so he terms his occasional visits to the large cities. "You hain't been taking a bath, hev ye ?" said he. " Oh, yes," was the reply. In them there brass handle concerns ?" Yes," said we " a great improvement obviates the inconvenience of the noise and dash of the old plan." We hope that this public confession may prove some atonement, but we certainly did talk to our more ingenious friend with an unblushing face upon the oc casion, lie roared out laughing, and gave us his own experience of the matter. " Old Mrs. Cornfed, there," said he, asked me if I knew the cocks, and I told her yes, in course, cause I'd bathed a few, / reckon, though not with them kind o' fixins, and I takes and turns them all, and there was all kinds of splutter below ; but when I was ready, there wasn't a mite of water in the blasted thing! It just nat'rally run out as fast as it run in, and then I know'd what < waste* meant. Well, I just fusses with it, fust up, and then down, and then one side, and then t'other, till I allowed I'd shut the derned thing up, cause the tub began to fill. Well, it kept fillin', and fillin', till I reckoned it was about right, and in I went, one leg but, holy Egypt ! out I came again, howling! 9* 102 A SUCKER 11C A WARM BATH. The cussed, eternal < cold' one hadn't worked, I s'pose, and I couldn't a cum out wuss from a seven biler ex plosion ! Old seven hundred weight knocked at the door ; Perhaps yes don't understand the cocks ?' says she. * Cock thunder !' I sung out, but I didn't want her in to laugh at me ; and I wa'n't exactly fit to be seen by a lady, either, if she was fat ; so I said it was nothin', and tried again to get the hang of the con- sarned handles, but by this time the tub was quite full, and falin', at that, and I kept turnin' and wagglin', till I rather guess I must a started the cold one, without stoppin' the hot, and, as it was brimmin' before, it jest now nat'rally overrun, and ^rdiaps there was the derndest me all over that carpet in about two minutes, that you ever did see. " The cussed cocks wouldrft stop, none of 'em ; and I was hoppin' about in the water, and had to sing out for old fatty, any how ! I'd rather a gin a farm, by thunder, but out I sung, and half opened the door 'fore I recollected about my costoome ! Back went old fatty against the centre-table, and broke a pitcher, and I hopped on to a chair, and into my skin ; and then I broke for one of the opposite bathing-rooms, and locked myself in, and told the old woman Pd give her ten dollars, if she would swob up, hand me my shirt, and say nothing about it ! I dont know whether she did or not, but I almost die a laffin, spite of my sore leg, whenever I think of it. I tell you what," added our sucker friend, " I don't mind your havin' a laff, but if you go to publishing I'll shoot you, by gosh !" We beg to assure our friend, that we consider our selves shot ! AN "AWFUL PLACE." WE have never visited the town of Madison, In diana, but we have an awful" curiosity to do so, from the awful" fact that we have never heard the place mentioned, without the "awful" accompaniment of this adjective ! Madison is an awful place for re vivals !" an awful place for Mesmerism !" an aw ful place for Mrs. Nichols' poems !" an " awful place for politics !" and the following story will prove that it was, particularly, an awful place for Jackson !" It was during the weak struggle, made to oppose General Jackson's re-election to the Presidency, that, during his western round, it became known that he would stop at Madison !" There was an " awful time," of course, but it happens, providentially, that in all awful times some awful genius or other arises to assume their direction, witness Cromwell, Napoleon, Washington, Marcy, &c. &c. Now, the directing spirit called forth to ride to glory on the neck of this emergency, was a certain Col. Dash, of the Madi- sonian (not Macedonian) Phalanx," and wrapt as he was, in zeal and the Phalanx" uniform, no one thought of opposing his arrangements. The general was to arrive by steamboat, and anx iously had the whole town, hour after hour, listened 103 104 AN AWFUL PLACE. for the gun, which, placed under the directions of Col. Dash himself, was to summon the citizens to the land ing. It was during a bad spell of weather," and, moreover, as the day wore on, more rain fell. The crowd dispersed, and, finally, night falling, the colonel himself retired from the mill-stone on which he had taken his stand, in order to keep out of the mud, and joined the amusements of a neighbouring ten^pin alley. Games were played, and "peach" and old rye" had suffered "some," of course, and the colonel, his Phalanx" coat and hat hanging against the wall, was just exulting in a " spare," when word came that the boat was in sight, and forth all rushed. It was quite dark, and still drizzling ; the gun wouldn't " go off," of course, so, the town being built on three eleva tions, from the highest of which the landing is not visi ble, a messenger was despatched to spread the news, and every thing was ready for a " hurrah for Jackson," as soon as the boat should touch. The boat did touch ; there was a bonfire in the mud, smoking vigorously, by the cheering uncertainty of which, the planks were shoved ashore, and Col. Dash, with the rest of theMacedo beg pardon, Madisonians, rushed on board. There was " The Gmeral," sure enough, standing right iu the middle of the cabin, his hat off, and his grizzly poll, with every inclination of the head brushing off swarms of flies the boat a " light draught" from the ceiling. The colonel introduced himself, the colonel shook hands ;" the colonel introduced the Phalanx, individually, the Phalanx, individually, shook hands; the colonel spoke, the general replied; tha enthusiasm was tremendous, when, suddenly, the bell rang, and, to the consterna- AN AWFUL PLACE. 105 tion of the entire " Madisonian Phalanx," it was an nounced that the boat, having put out some freight, was going right on, and, moreover, that the general did not intend to land ! What ! not see Madison, gineral ?" Not see Madison /" exclaimed the Phalanx ! The gineral" was distinctly given to understand, that if he didn't see Madison, Madison would, incon tinently, precipitate itself from its three several plat forms into the river and disappear, for ever, from the face of Indiana j to avoid which sad calamity, and the captain consenting to wait, the gineral" chW, forth with, shielded by an umbrella, and conducted by the colonel, descend the steps, slide along the lower deck, venture upon the planks, and, finally, step ashore, up to his knees, upon the soil that adored him ! The prospect here, was certainly gratifying ; on one side, the ten-pin alley was brilliantly illuminated, and the proprietor of it, moreover, stood in the door- way, out of the wet, discharging a pistol. On the other side was the smoke of the bonfire, and, right in front, re flecting the flicker, whenever it could, stood a heap of mill-stones, towards which safer eminence the general proceeded, and taking in at a coup d'ceil the features of the scene, declared Madison to be, really a very pretty little town!" " Why, gineral," cried the colonel, you ain't be gun to see Madison, yet!" " Ain't begun to see it !" chorussed the Phalanx. The general was now given to understand, that he must mount two banks before the beauties of the place could at all strike him, and, furthermore, that, as in wet weather vehicles always stuck fast, it would be 106 AN AWFUL PLACE. much better 1 o proceed on foot. This movement, the general, "with great reluctance," was compelled to resist ; and so, as, by this time, a considerable crowd of stragglers had tumbled themselves down the hill, the anxious colonel arranged that the distinguished visiter should maintain his position on the mill-stone, and that the eager throng, after an individual " shake hands," should let him off! The general nerved himself, amid a loud " hurrah," and the crowd " came on !" but, here, a sudden diffi culty presented itself ; the position which the old hero had taken was defended, on all sides except the front, by a chevaux defrise of lumber, interspersed by an oc casional breastwork of barrels, and, consequently, the retiring and advancing shakers were walking over each other. The excitement was intense, the risk of a fight imminent, when the genius of the colonel again flashed forth. "Stop!" cried he there was a stop " General! this ain't a going to do, no how ! 'Tention Phalanx and citizens ! Back out, the hull of ye, from the mill stone ; form a ring round the fire, and the general will walk round to you /" This proposition was received with a general cheer ; the crowd plunged, slid and staggered towards the fa gots ; the general was seized by the arm, dragged after them, and, in a few minutes, after not more than two or three slips, there he stood, in the middle of the smoke, surrounded by freemen !" as the colonel elo quently exclaimed, at the same time giving him a sixth shake, by way of showing the rest how to do it, and then taking a place himself in the ring. There can be no doubt of the general's entire satis- AN AWFUL PLACE. 107 faction with this arrangement, his experience among the Creeks and Seminoles having made him quite easy in swamp life. He approached the circle, extended his hand, a dozen others were thrust out to grasp it, but the colonel was before any of them, and, for the seventh time, the general was welcomed to Madison!" Round went the visitor, slip and shake, " welcome to Madison," drizzle slide. Suddenly, the colonel shot across the circle, took a place, the revered hand was extended, and for.the eighth time, and still more warmly was it grasped with a welcome to Madison!" Another fourth of the circle was measured, when the colonel again, like a shooting star, flashed across, and for the ninth time the general was met by his grasp and " welcome." The general stopped short, the rain came down heavily, and a sudden whirl of smoke en circled him in its strangling embrace ; as suddenly, a flare of flame showed a darker tempest gathered round his brow ; he " broke" for the boat, the colonel at his heels, and the crowd in consternation, he reached the deck as the colonel had gained the middle of the plank, " Gineral, ain't Madison rather a place?" bawled the latter. "Awful ! perfectly awful, by the Eternal !" muttered the former, not even turning at the cry which the colo nel gave, as the end of the plank slipped, letting him souse into the river. As we have said, we have an awful desire to visit Madison. THE ELK RUNNERS. THE following extraordinary relation is literally true. It has been communicated to us by one of our oldest and most respectable citizens, and is further substan tiated by the concurring testimony of our senior, who knew both of the men spoken of, and has never heard the story doubted. Major John Dougherty, the Ken- tuckian" mentioned, is still living, in Clay county, Missouri, which he has represented in the legislature, besides having filled the important post of Indian agent. He was famous in his youth, among the prairie and mountain men, as a hunter of extraordinary skill and endurance. We should like, of all things, to hear his own statement of an adventure which is, certainly, among the most marvellous ever heard of out of the pages of fiction if, indeed, fiction has any thing to compare with it. In the year 1818, the Missouri Fur Company had a post just below Council Bluffs, named Fort Lisa, after the gentleman who established it. There was much competition in the trade at that time, and it was a great point to select the very best men for Runners. Mr. Lisa had with him a young Kcntuckian named D., a fine daring fellow, with a frame of iron, the speed of the ostrich, and the endurance of 'the camel. He 108 THE ELK RUNNERS. 109 was fortunate, moreover, in the retention of a half- breed called Mai Bceuf, who, notwithstanding his name, (bad beef,) was considered of hardly less merit than D. t and between the two men, consequently, a keen rivalry existed. D. had travelled, on foot, from the Black bird Hills to Fort Lisa, a distance of ninety miles, in thirteen hours ! Mai Bceuf also boasted some astonish ing feats of bottom," and both were stationed at the fort, during the time we speak of, for the purpose of providing venison. One evening, in July, the weather extremely warm, the grass high, and the post unfurnished with meat, the two men were playing at cards, when their employer came up, reproached them with their negligence, and ordered them to start, the first thing in the morning, on a hunt. Obedience was promised, of course, but the game continued, each moment growing more des perate, the spirit of rivalry pervading their hearts in every thing, till, finally, morning broke, as the half- breed declared himself to be broken. They fell asleep on the spot, and the sun was well up when Mr. L., informed of the case, again approached, in no pleasant humour, it may be supposed, cursed, sacre'd, and carahoo'd, until the delinquents, fully aroused, and a little ashamed, took their guns and started for Papil- lon Creek, on the edge of the prairie, about five miles off. They there discovered a gang of elk, when the Kentuckian suggested a plan of approach, which would enable them to get a good shot. The half-breed, rank ling at his companion's triumph the night previous, observed, sulkily : "I don't kill elk with my gun, but with my knife." The pluck of the other was roused in an instant, 10 110 THE ELK BUNNERS. rightly interpreting the vaunt as a challenge to a trial of speed and bottom, and on his saying, proudly, that what his companion could do, he could do also, both hung their guns in a tree, and, approaching the band as near as possible, they suddenly raised the Indian yell, which has a most paralyzing effect upon the ani mals. Off the creatures went across a low prairie, a few miles in width, leaving their pursuers far behind ; but steadily the latter continued their pace, nevertheless. They reached the bluff ascended crossed de scended, one resolve uppermost in their minds, never to say fail." League after league the chase and race continued, the men panting like hounds, cool ing their mouths in crossing an occasional " branch," by throwing up the water with their palms ; but still unpausing, until, approaching Elk Horn river, a dis tance of twenty miles, by mutual agreement they took a circuit with an increase of speed, got ahead of the elk and actually prevented them from crossing. Leagues and leagues, upon a new track, the chase continued, the animals by this time so exhausted by heat, thirst, and, above all, fright for the hunters had incessantly sent forth their yells, in this case as much a scream of mu tual defiance as an artifice of the chase that they scarcely exceeded their pursuers in speed ; the latter, foaming and maddened with excitement, redoubled their efforts, until the elk, reaching a prairie pond, or sink," the hunters at their heels, plunged despairingly in, lay down, and abandoned themselves, heedless of all else, to the gratification of their thirst. The frantic rivals, knife in hand, dashed in after their prey, began the work of slaughter, pausing not till they had butchered THE ELK RUNNERS. Ill sixteen elk, dragged them from the water, and cut up and prepared the meet for transportation to the fort, whither they had to return for horses. Had the race ended ? No ! for victory or death was the inward determination ; and, as yet, neither had given way. Off dashed again the indomitable half- breed, and, at his side, the unyielding Kentuckian. Ridge and hollow, stream and timber, (no yelling now,) in desperate silence, were left behind. The sun was sinking ; blind, staggering, on they went ; they reached the fort haggard, wild, and voiceless, as from the fires of the savage, the " gauntlet" of fiends. A crowd gathered round the exhausted men, who had arrived together, and now lay fainting, still side and side, a long time, before they were enabled, by signs and whispers, to tell that they had run down sixteen elk, and yet couldn't say which was the best man ! This feat brought upon D. an affection of the lungs, nor did he recover his strength for several years. He is still alive a quiet and influential citizen. Mai Bceuf became very dissipated, and died in a short time. Our informant tells us, that he has made an examination of the country forming their race track, himself, and that they, without exaggeration, must have run seventy- Jive miles between the hours of 8 A. M., and 7 p. M. He is fond of reading the New York Spirit of the Times, and wishes to know what the editor thinks of the Barclay and Ellsworth breed, when compared with the prairie runners of the West ? a thousand of whose exploits remain untold, as matters of common occur rence. OLD SOL" IN A DELICATE SITUATION. MOBILE, Alabama, is -still, one of the pleasantest, as it was, at one time, one of the most thriving theatrical towns of the whole country. Its inhabitants are re nowned for gayety and hospitality at this day, but there was a time (1836-7) when these agreeable quali ties of character developed themselves to a degree little less than extravagant. The cotton trade was great, the city extending, bank facilities" abundant, and the handsome New Theatre, managed by Messrs. Ludlow and Smith, with a really talented and expensive com pany, was a matter of paramount interest with all. The private boxes, on either side of the stage, had been let at immense prices, for the season ; and the dashing lessees rivalled each other in furnishing them. Carpets, curtains, pier-glasses, mahogany chairs, and, above all, costly side-boards, stored with sparkling wines and all that could add to the natural gusto with which the drama was received. Now, these private boxes were, of course, just about the most splendid things in all creation ;" but they had their accompanying evil. The champagne, for instance, was not always rivalled in spirit by the dia logue of the scene, and a lag on the stage was imme diately made up for by the pop of a cork ! Again, 112 "OLD SOL" IN A DELICATE SITUATION. 113 growing fastidious in the exclusive sovereignty of the proscenium, the entrance of any actor of less than acknowledged stamp, was a signal for drawing the curtain and diverting criticism from the scene to the side-board a proceeding equally gratifying to the histrion, and to the less exclusive portion of the au dience, both of these parties being compelled to hear the remarks which were indulged in behind the damask. They were great times those private box times ; crowded houses, smashing benefits, storms of applause, and heaps" of " State Bank" paper! Manager Sol was a great favourite, of course, on the stage, by his humour and eccentricities, and about town, by his suavity and prompt business habits ; but, as is always the case, certain dissatisfied spirits one or two from among the private box-ers began to whisper that Old Sol didn't speak the words ;" that he " took liberties with the author," &c. the most pre posterous idea in the world, for, as everybody knows, if there is a circumspect being in existence, it is your " great favourite," especially if he be a low comedian, this class, above all, speaking no more than is set down for them." Sol went on, keeping the million in a roar, and the half-dozen in a fever, when one night he appeared as Sir Mark Chase, in A Roland for an Oliver. Now, Sir Mark is a stentorian, rough old country gentleman, and, driven out of his wits by the apparently equivocal proceedings of the two sets of lovers, who are obliged to resort to all sorts of expe dients, he cries out, She's mad ; they're all mad ; my whole family is mad, and damn me but I believe I shall soon be in the family way /" 10" 114 "OLD SOL 1 ' IN A DELICATE SITUATION. A tolerably broad joke, but one which has been in variably received by the audience, given as it is, on all occasions, by a " great favourite." Sol uttered the speech with uproarious effect, when a drawing of the pri vate box curtains, and a fierce popping of corks, gave intimation, not to be mistaken, that his liberties" were undergoing critical discussion. The next day, certain serious-looking squads might have been noticed about town on the post-office corner, in the popular bar-rooms, &c. ; and, by and by, there were divers hints passed from one to another, among the more excitable citizens, that Old Sol was going to get goss, sure." In the evening, the house was crowded, sure enough ; everybody going from a vague idea that something was to come off," but what it was to be would have puzzled them to guess. The chief flutter was about the private box, P. S., nnd now, after the first music," and just before the curtain was to rise, the thunder cloud appeared above the horizon, in the shape of a naturally, jolly, red-faced, d citizen, but one whose more companionable traits seemed now to be entirely overcast by the colder sha dows of harsh duty. No sooner had he appeared than, as if it was the preconcerted signal, a score of voices called out for "Sol Smith!" "Old Sol!" "Smith!" manager!" &c. The great body of the audience cared little about the movement, but any thing by way of a lark, and so there was shortly a general cry for "Old Sol," and Old Sol appeared, looking "just as innocent !" " What is your will, ladies and gentlemen ?" There was a sudden pause, and every one in the house fixed their eyes on the severe little man in the box, who gave "OLD SOL" IN A DELICATE SITUATION. 115 a good loud "hem!" and glanced once or twice back at the side board, and finally commenced : Mr. Smith" " Mr. " promptly responded the manager. "Mr. Smith," said Mr. , and he didn't look half so confidently as he had done, for it was a debut, the Mobile folks are not so particular to talk about, but there are some things that they consider a little too fat, any way you can fix it !" The speaker paused and looked round for approba tion, and he evidently thought that he had done that pretty well, any how." " You would appear to intimate that there is some complaint!" observed the very much astonished ma nager. Intimate ! no, sir, not exactly ; we expect an ex planation with regard to what you said on the stage, last night." Wliat did I say?" inquired Sol. " Say! why, you said you were " The champion of pure taste suddenly stuck, and looked round the house, and the embarrassment seemed to spread ; and, to increase it, the manager, even more innocently, repeated his What did I say ?" " You know very well what you said, Sol Smith, and we think this is carrying your introductions a /eetle too far, and we ain't a going to stand it !" I am not aware," said the imperturbable Sol, "that I introduced into my part, last night, any thing foreign to the author." "Oh! well, by thunder!" There was a general expression of downright astonishment at Mr. Sol Smith's cool effrontery. 116 "OLD SOL" IN A DELICATE SITUATION. Do you mean to say, Mr. Smith, that in that part last night, you had to say that you were in " Again the florid, and now somewhat angry questioner stuck dead, and pursed his lips, and opened and shut his fingers, and " hem'd" emphatically, and then blew his nose as if he were firing a pistol. By this time, the few ladies who had gathered, unaware of what was to come, had left the theatre, and there was a strong dis position to make the most of the fun. What did I say I was in ?" again demanded Smith. That you were in a delicate situation /" roared the Rhadamanthus of the private box ; and a deafening yell of mirth-run-mad almost took the roof off the houser It was sometime before Sol, with an undisturbed gra vity of face, assured the now dancing gentleman that, certainly, he had not so expressed himself, but, believ ing that he knew to what Mr. referred, he would get the book, and satisfy him. " Get the book ! very well exactly just show us that in the book, that's all!" and a hundred other voices now chimed in, by way of keeping it up, Get the book, get the book, Sol." The manager went to the prompt side, got the farce of Jl Roland for an Oliver, and, at the same time, the excited Mr. jumped down upon the stage byway of having no wool" pulled over his eyes ; another roar of laughter and applause rewarding this spirited movement. The interest now became intense," as the manager turned the pages over and over, to find the passage, and, as if a little at fault, finally got down on one knee before the footlights, in order to see more dis tinctly. Mr. went down on one 'knee also, and ,:.',. .'.< . ;.':.;-... , , - V;.C .v. ., : - ,.-.. '.;"' . : .. . ,. , ; ...: . . /. . i ? , ' | . - . . ,. . , . . . . . . ., - -,,-: .*r 'V ..;' * . .---r.i-.-v; v^.-; ;,;. :--> ,; .; ;r . " ' '* ' rfcr.;** v* -.; ',.V- - : v. ,'Oi!U|[ll ! ^^ : ^-'^ -'* ^iisiMM^llIll; ; -:,,;,v -A';- OLD SOL" IN A DELICATE SITUATION. 44 1 eta lick that man, by thunder !" "OLD SOL" IN A DELICATE SITUATION. 117 again the pages were turned over, and opinion began to prevail that Sol was cornered, when he quietly pointed out the speech to his censor. The florid little man could not believe his eyes ; he read, and re-read, and, sure enough, there was no mistake about it, till, finally,, terribly cut down, he was obliged to say : ".Well, gentlemen, it is here, by gracious!" A solitary but emphatic hiss now saluted his ears killing reward of his chaste intentions. A sky rocket never ris faster. / can lick that man, by thunder /" roared the chafed and disappointed Mr. , and up and down he went before the lights, shaking his fist, and ready to spring at either pit or third tier, as provocation might offer. The laughing and screaming was incessant, and Mr. was keeping it up, swearing that he intended to have decency observed in the theatre, and that no one should take d d liberties" on that stage, when a couple of cooler friends were obliged to make their dtbut, also, from the side-box, and urge him to retire. This he did finally, clambering back into the box, and the sanc timonious manager assisting to " boost him" with the most friendly solicitude. Pop went the corks imme diately ; Sol " rung up," the play was an interesting one, and it was not long before the quick-tempered but good-natured champion of taste acknowledged that it was not Old Sol" alone who had got himself into a delicate situation ! THE "GAGGING SCHEME;" OB, WESTS GREAT PICTURE. "WE must think of a gag!" Yes, there's nothing else, we must think of a gag!" "Decidedly, gentlemen, we must think of a gag!" This positive unanimity of opinion was expressed by a small party in a small town in the " Great West," upon the close of a theatrical season, which, after "continued" and "unrivalled" success, had closed, leaving the manager with but one alternative namely, to "slope" which he availed himself of ; and the company but one hope a gag" to enable them to follow him. "Now, I propose an < appeal? "said a heavy-voiced individual, the corners of his collar turned very far over his stock, and those of his mouth jerked down wards, as if endeavouring to recover them ; " I pro pose an appeal to the admirers of Shakspeare !' " " Wants another shy at Hamlet," remarked, half aside, a gentleman of rather slim figure, with a turned-up nose and a low comedy twinkle, as he sat back in his chair, enjoying his knee and a chew of to bacco ; " For my part, let's have something that'll draw ; I go in for a gag /" 118 THE GAGGING SCHEME. 119 "Decidedly," chorussed all except the Shakspearian devotee, it must be a gag /" "Something that'll make up a bill !" "Double posters!" "Red letters!" " If you can get any one to do the printing!" chimed in a voice, quietly, yet so audibly, that the blood of the whole assembly fairly crept. It came from a strange- looking creature, who lay at full length, yet half-smo thered, apparently, in an immense heap of blue cotton check, the "sea-cloth," that still encumbered the stage of the shanty-looking theatre, from the perform ance of " Paul Jones," which, with a " real ship" and a "naval combat," had formed the hope of the closing night. "Ah, there goes Wormwood, as usual." "Old Overalls!" " Canvas splasher !" The company amused themselves for some time, by applying epithets to the disturber of their counsels, the " artist of the theatre" but there he lay, wallowing in the " sea," his eyes closed like a whale in a calm the resemblance carried even further by an occasional jet of tobacco-juice. " Just look at him he's safe enough he need only wash his face to walk out of town unrecognised !" There was very little exaggeration in this, for the " artist" was about the rudest specimen of that diamond " genius in the rough" that could well be produced. His shaggy hair was bound up in a soiled handkerchief; his face was smutted abominably ; dusty looking whis kers, run to seed, rendered unnecessary a stock, while an " executioner's shirt," from the wardrobe, and can- 120 THE GAGGING SCHEME; OR, vas overalls" coated with paint until they rivalled in thickness, and hue, also, the hide of a rhinoceros, com pleted his garb ; stay, let there be added, (likewise from the wardrobe,) a pair of very old and discoloured supernumerary boots. A lively carol was now heard, also quick steps ad vancing along the " box-lobby" a two-feet dark pass age, by-the-by, which terminated in three steps leading down to the stage there was a jostle behind the wings," a deprecation and an imprecation the for mer addressed to a companion, the latter bestowed upon the "property man" and a dashing figure ap peared at " R. H., 1st ent.," ushering upon the boards a rather rowdy-looking youth, who had a cigar in his mouth and his hands in his pocket. Excuse the dem'd stage attendants, if you please, my dear fellow ; I've broken every shin I've got, my self, in the blawsted place ! I often think of the gar den (Covent Garden) while meeting with these annoy ances. I've told you what my engagement was there, I think ; twelve pounds a week, dresser, room to my self, and three months' leave of absence nearly over, thank God !" The speaker was chiefly conspicuous for a set of very bright buttons, a moustache, and eyebrows that ex pressed a sort of stereotyped surprise. Ah, he-re comes < Theatre Royal !' " was the sneer ing remark of the General Council. " And that d d amateur fool, Wimple," contemptu ously added the tragedian, with the collar heretofore described. "Wimple," bawled half a dozen voices, "come WEST'S GREAT PICTURE. 121 here you're just the fellow; got a cigar? thank you ! thank you !" A dozen remarkably mild " Principes" quickly dis appeared from the crown of Mr. Wimple's hat; he dealt in the article, however, as well as in confectionery, Brandreth's pills, penknives, lottery tickets, soda wa ter, &c., &c. He was the crack" amateur of the place, dramatic critic, and, above all, had played him self," Jaffier, to a travelling phenomenon's" Belvi- dera ; he consequently was up" in all theatrical mat ters, and everybody's confidant ; a distinction as gratifying to his self-esteem as ruinous to his cigar stock. Wimple," said the low comedian, with a more insinuating twinkle than ever, you must help, us out of this scrape, by thunder! here we are, a lot of poor devils -" "Mr. Wimple will understand," said the tragedian, interrupting his less dignified companion, at the same time drawing down the cornersofhis mouth and throwing his head back " that the present dilemma in which / find myself, is the result of a too self-sacrificing devo tion to the drama as it should be, and a too glaring lack of appreciation on the part of Mr. Wimple's fellow- citizens! / make no appeal, save to that self-respect which should teach a reverence for the immortal bard, and and a corresponding turn-out on the benefit of his representative !" The buttoned-up companion of Mr. Wimple, during this address, had executed divers graceful roulades, tapped his boot, &c., and at the conclusion observed, with an air of indifference, that of course Mr. Wimple understood his position ! a man who, as a vocalist, 11 122 . THE GAGGING SCHEME; OR, had sustained himself against odds in London, who had received twelve pounds a week, and had only to return to receive increased terms, &c., &c." There was a disposition on the part of others to assert, suddenly, a share of importance, when the voice from the " sea-cloth" was again heard : " Wimple, these fellows owe four weeks board and their bar bills ; the landlord has got their trunks ; they haven't a picayune left, nor invention enough to get up a " gag" to procure one, and they'll be obliged to you for your < valuable aid,' that's the whole matter." The speaker turned over, amid a volley of epithets, threw out another amber jet, and shut his eyes again. Mr. "Wimple couldn't advise, really, the season was so completely "run into the ground;" besides, the fashionables were all running after Elder Slack, who had come out against the theatre even the amateurs had backed out for the present. All knew what he (Mr. Wimple) had done for the profession," but be yond sending them up some cigars and a couple of packs of playing-cards, he could think of no scheme. It was a clear case, the " dog was dead ;" not a span gle-glimmer of hope ; " lamps down," a " dark stage," enter Egbert, musing!" At this crisis, there entered, by the back-door, an extremely shabby, rather elderly, and very indignant individual, with a newspaper in his hand ; a flushed face and suppressed hiccup added impressiveness to his manner. " Gentlemen / am not the leading actor of this company ; / have not had pieces done for me to the exclusion of I vrill say equally cleve'r men." The WEST'S GREAT PICTURE. 123 corners of the tragedian's mouth indicated that these innuendoes were directed towards him. The last comer went on : / don't assume to myself all the Shak- spearian dig dignity of the comp ny ; but I do say I say I do say, gentlemen, that the author of this attack" unfolding the paper is an irreverend libeller, and, Slack or no Slack, gentlemen, Slack or no Slack, I repeat it, Mr. Wimple, before I leave this town he shall hear from me !" The indignant speaker looked as if his purpose must necessarily be an instant one, though his probable stay, as one of the can't get away club" was likejy. to afford him sufficient time for action. Without allowing himself to be influenced by even the cooling formality of taking a seat, he merely turned himself so as to throw a full light upon the paper, and read as follows : " PAINTING v. PLAY-ACTING. To the Editor of the Skinville Disseminator : Dear Sir, Be so kind as to announce, in your valuable and truly Christian journal, that West* 8 great picture of DEATH ON THE PALE HORSE will shortly be exhibited in our town ; a letter from brother Tick, re commending the worthy and pious proprietor of the painting, having informed me of that fact. Let me congratulate our citizens upon the opportunity thus offered to them, of studying this sacred illustration, rather than the abominations of the play-house ; the divine efforts of true piety rather than the artful ensnar- ings of ignorance, vice, and profligacy ; the feature* of the King of Terrors himself on his ghastly steed, 124 THE GAGGING SCHEME; OB, rather than the painted cheeks of sin, mounted on the devil's hobby-horse. " Humbly yours, PERSIMMON SLACK. P. S. This great original painting is the sole work on that subject, by West, in the country. It can only remain a few days. P. S." "There!" cried the >< heavy man," as he finished reading, thank God / wasn't born in the nineteenth century, though some of my acquaintances include themselves among its ornaments!" and again the Ghost" cast a scornful glance towards the Hamlet. There was a great deal of indignation expressed on all sides, and another round of cigars from Mr. Wim ple ; in the mean time, the << artist" had risen from his sea-cloth," looked over the newspaper, and merely remarking, that he had thought of a "gag," himself, which would bring them through, mounted a ladder, and disappeared. The histrions, likewise, may be lost sight of for a short time ; guessing, as the reader well may, at their employment which was an indulgence in high scorn at the bigotry and intolerance of the ago an active circulation of the sympathizing Wimple's cigar-box, and an endless suggestion of highly inge nious and impractible "gags." West's great painting" had arrived, and the town of Skinville could hardly look at itself in the glass without giggling, so pleasantly was it titilated by ex pectation. A panoramic view of the city of something had actually been exhibited in the town some years WEST'S GREAT PICTURE. 125 before, and there were several subscribers to the Weekly (Pictorial) Herald in the place ; also, a resident portrait painter, who, besides the likenesses of the Rev. Persimmon Slack and other leading people, had painted for the dining-room at the hotel a view, in perspective, of the entire length of Main street, Skinville," be ginning with very large houses in the two lower cor ners of the picture, and terminating in inconceivably small ones at the top ; the arts, it will be seen, there fore, were not altogether unappreciated among the Skinville illuminati. "West's great painting" had arrived, and Elder Slack had at once offered his church for its exhibition. Immense posters, printed at the office of the Dissemi nator, announcing DEATH ON THE PALE HORSE, for a Jew days only" glared from the corners, while the columns of the Disseminator itself, in addition to a long article on the Genius of West, and Modern Scriptural Illustration," contained an enthusiastic edi torial, written by the proprietor of the painting, and concluding with divers doubly enthusiastic extracts from popular journals, written by the proprietor also. This gentleman could hardly fail of making an impression in Skinville. He was a young man of quiet, but con fident, manners ; he assured everybody that his picture had cost three thousand guineas in London that the horse alone was worth the money ; and he won Elder Slack's heart instanter by gravely assuring him that his very first remark had proved him to be a connoisseur. The church was darkened without delay, excepting one window, which was to admit the light upon' the picture ; a railing was put up to keep oft the vulgarly curious : Elder Slack consented to deliver himself a 126 THE GAGGING SCHEME ; OR, short lecture, and to explain the design of the great artist ; the door was opened ; the proprietor took the money ; Skinville took its seat ; Elder Slack appeared on the platform with a white wand ; the curtain was drawn, and Death on the Pak Horse threatened the breathless multitude. There was a long pause of motionless admiration broken at last by Elder Slack, who, making a funnel of a sheet of foolscap, and, stepping back some paces, took a spy at the painting. His example was quickly followed, and, provision having been made, several quires were in instant requisition. The picture was certainly a bold effort. Elder Slack correctly de scribed it as a dashing one ! In fact, it looked as if some of the dashes had been applied from an inconve nient distance. The horse was very white ; his eyes very red ; his mane and tail very wild ; while the rider's teeth flashed awfully, and his train of demons were perfectly frightful to say nothing of the down right immodesty of the costumes. Elder Slack now commenced his lecture. The sa cred passage which had inspired the artist, was no less potent with the Skinville divine. He announced, de nounced, and pronounced taking particular care to scathe the Thespians, and scorch all among his hearers who had been seduced by them ; next, he descanted upon the meaning, and, lastly, upon the merits of the painting. He called attention to the grandeur of the proportions ; the truth of the drawing ; the dashing style of the coloring. He ventured upon " light and shade," " foreshortening," " foreground," back ground," and "perspective." Gathering confidence, he pronounced upon general effect,'' a grand WEST'S GREAT PICTUBE. 127 whole," "sublime conceptions," and even named, un hesitatingly, Raphael and Correggio allowing them superiority in no one respect, even in their much- vaunted chiar owcuro /" He criticised figure after figure, dwelling particularly upon the half-averted, yet creepingly expressive, features of Malice, which, by- the-by, was really well painted, and, by a strange chance, was an actual likeness 6f Elder Slack himself! His yellow skin, restless eye, and ignoble mouth, peered out, another self as it were, for the recognition of every soul in the church but the speaker ! The afternoon exhibition closed ; the extraordinary resem blance was the subject of universal, but quiet, remark, and at night the church was again thronged. In the mean time, however, a very singular change had come over the dream" of the actors ; they had paid their bills at the hotel, redeemed their trunks, and, for the evening exhibition, they had actually paid their money, and now occupied a conspicuous pew, each with his sheet of foolscap ! Elder Slack was again eloquent a gain severe again critical. By this time he was au fait in the matter, and his remarks were given with double effect. As he approached the figure of Malice, another extraordinary effect was perceived. By some inconceivable en chantment the dark shadows had re-arranged themselves, and now represented a black coat and pantaloons ; in fact, there stood the Skinville elder himself, even to his broadcloth, large as life, and absolutely twice as natural!" The effect was electrical, especially among the Thespians ; for while a sort of treinour crept round the spectators, they fairly laughed aloud. The lecturer paused confusion began to ensue, when a 128 THE GAGGING SCHEME. tall figure, who had entered a few moments previously, arose in the midst, and, with a strong Yankee twang, addressed the assembly : My good friends, I don't say nuthin 1 'ginst your knowledge of picters ; but Pm in this line myself, and I rayther guess you've got on the wrong horse ! If this here is West's Great Paintin', mine aw'/, that's all !" Need the story go on ? need it be told how" this stranger Was Mr. , the well-known Yankee connois seur, proprietor, and exhibitor, of West's originals 1 How, during the confusion, the actors had rejoined their ingenious friend, the artist of the Theatre," who, leaving the church-door to take care of itself, had se cured passages for the party in the very coach which had brought the sure enough" Pale Horse man to town ? Need it be told how the " First tragedian" and the " Heavy man" forgot their jealousies, as the " London vocalist" did his annoyances in a hearty laugh, while " Overalls" explained the details of his stratagem ? How Elder Slack received, next morning, a grateful letter from one William Shakspeare," thank ing him for his exertions in behalf of a few distressed disciples, and wishing him health and heart to contem plate his own likeness ? Need it be told how, finally, the elder, at once killed as a critic, declined equally as a divine, each heated and unchristian expression sug gesting the idea of malice, and the common sense of Skinville having received a very wonderful enlighten ment from the study of " West's Great Painting ?" ESTABLISHING THE SCIENCE. THE persecutions of the Mesmerists will one day make a curious volume, for they will be written, of course. The disciples of Galileo, Harvey, Jenner, &c., have been exalted in their struggles and sufferings, and those of Mesmer even more brightly will shine in martyrology. Seriously, the trials to which travelling Mesmerists are put to, are, at times, humiliating and painful enough, albeit they afford infinite sport to the unbelievers. These travelling Professors," or many of them, are charlatans, thus far, that they pretend to treat, scientifically, phenomena, the real nature of which they are entirely ignorant of; and the study of which they are, neither by education, habit, or aim y at all fitted for. They are charlatans, in that their super ficial knowledge of mere effects is simply made available in the shape of exhibition ; and the success of the show being their first object, they may be suspected, per haps, in some cases, of a little management. At the same time, the vulgar idea of general collusion, which prevails among those who will not, themselves, experi ment, would be ridiculous if it were not pitiable. De Bonneville had been electrifying Detroit by his more than galvanic effects upon the muscles of scores of his impressibles, when an enormous sized Wolverine 130 ESTABLISHING THE SCIENCE. trying the thing" himself, found that he was quite equal to the professor, in setting folks to sleep and "makin* on 'em cut up" afterwards, and, accordingly, in the furor of his discovery, off he went into the country to lecture and diffuse the new light which had been dispensed to him. His success was tremendous ; town and Tillage said there was " something in it," until his reputation, as in other cases, begat him ene mies. The Wolverine Mesmerizer, after astonishing a Hall" full, one evening, at some very " promising town" or other, and which bade fair, shortly, to be quite a place," returned to the tavern, to be arrested in the bar-room by a score of first citizens," who had then and there congregated jest to test the humbug," any how ! " Good evening, Perfesser," said one. " Won't you take a little of thejluid?" said another; and this being an evident hit in the way of a joke, the anti-hum bugs" proceeded to more serious business. " Perfesser," said the principal speaker, a giant of a fellow, before whose proportions, even the huge Magnetiser looked small. " Perfesser," said he, biting off the end of a plug," and turning it over in his jaws very leisurely, " a few on us, here, hev jest con cluded to hev you try an experiment, appintin' our selves a reg'lar constituted committee to report !" The Professor begged to appoint a more proper place and hour, &c., or, according to the apprehensions of " the crowd," evinced the expected desire to make a clean back out." " Perfesser," resumed the " big dog," " ef we on- dustand right, you call your Mesmer ism a < re-mee-jil agent,' which means, I s'pose, that it cures things?" ESTABLISHING THE SCIENCE. 131 The disciple of science referred to divers cases about town in which he had been successful, to say nothing of the pulling teeth" operation which he had just concluded his lecture with. "Yes," said the challenger, "you're death on teeth, we know, but ken Mesmerism come the re-wiee-jil over rheumatiz ?" " Inflammatory or chronic?" demanded the Pro fessor. "Wa'll, stranger, we ain't much given to doc tor's bottle names, but we reckon it's about the wust kind." The Mesmerist was about to define the difference between inflammatory attacks and local affections, when he was interrupted by the inquisitor, who rather allowed that as far as the location of the disorder went, it had a pre-emption right to the hull crittur ; and that, furthermore, it was jest expected of him that he should forthwith visit the case, and bid him take up his bed and walk, or he himself would be escorted out of town, astride of a rail, with the accompanying ceremonies. This was a dilemma, either horn of which promised* a toss to his reputation, but the crowd were solemnly in earnest ; already triumphing in his detection, they began to look wolfish at him and wise at each other, so that the Wolverine had nothing left for it but to demand, boldly, to " see the patient !" We had better give the rest of the story as it was related to a humorous friend of ours, by the disciple of Mesmer, himself. Up stars I went with 'em, mad as thunder, I tell you ; first at being thought a humbug, and next, that my individooal share of the American eagle should be compelled into a measure, by thunder ! I'd a-gin 'em 132 ESTABLISHING THE SCIENCE. a fight, if it hadn't hen for the science, -which would a suffered any how, so I jest said to myself, let 'em bring on their rheumatiz ! I felt as if I could a mesmerized a horse, and I Determined whatever the case might be, I'd make it squeal, by thunder ! " < Here he is,' said they, and in we all bundled into a room, gathering round a bed, with me shut in among 'em, and the cussed big onenlightened heathen that did the talking, drawing out an almighty bowie-knife at the same time. That's your man!' said he. Well, there lay a miserable-looking critter, with his eyes sot, and his mouth open, and his jaws got wider and wider, as he saw the crowd and the bowie knife, I tell you ! < That's the idea !' said old big Ingin. < Rise up in that bed !' said I, and I tell you what, I must a looked at him dreadful, for up he jumped on eend, as if he'd jest got a streak of galvanic. " Git out on this floor,' said I, with a wuss look, and I wish I may be shot if out he didn't come, look- in' wild, I tell ye ! < Now cut dirt, d m you /' screamed I, and Jehu Gineral Jackson ! if he didn't make a straight shirt- tail for the door, may I never make another pass. After him I went, and after me they cum, and ^re- haps there wasn't the orfullest stampede down three pair of stars that ever occurred in Michigan ! Down cut old rheumatiz, through the bar-room ; out I cut after him ; over went the stove in the rush after both on us. I chased him round two squars in the snow at that then headed him off, and chased him back to hotel agin, where he landed in a fine sweat, begged for his life, and said he'd give up the property ! Well, I ESTABLISHING THE SCIENCE. 133 wish I may be shot if he wasn't a feller that they were oflerin' a reward for in Buffalo ! I made him dress himself cured of his rheumatiz run it right out of him ; delivered him up, pocketed the reward, and es- tablisJied the science, by thunder !" OLE BULL IN THE "SOLITUDE." THE enthusiastic temperament of the violinist, Ole, may be easily inferred from the passionate character of his musical compositions and performances. We have only to add that his mind is no less characterized by simplicity and singleness of devotion. He is almost boyish in his enjoyments, while his expression of them is as impulsive us the breeze, nnd quite as re freshing. If Boz," his mental city still befogged with Lon donism, could step from the daily swept trotloir of the tourist, and dare the mud of the "American Bottom," opposite St. Louis, to gaze through the " Looking- Glass Prairie" windows, it is not to be wondered at that Ole should be equally eager. The afternoon succeeding his second concert in St. Louis, the imposing bust of the Norseman, clad in a particularly light and elegant summer frock, and. mounted on a spirited-looking horse, was seen to dash off from the Planters*," rattle itself down Market street, and jerk itself up, as suddenly, opposite Philips' music store. Bull speaks English very well, but still there is something of " the Dutch/' about it, as the St. Louis Nativists would say. 134 OLE BULL IN THE SOLITUDE. 135 The prharie, Mistehr Phillips vat vay vas I go to the prharie ?" Phillips opened his quaint eyes, and remarked, that Mr. Bull certainly did not think of riding twenty miles on horseback, within a few hours of sunset, to a spot devoid of habitation, or even shelter, with a thundering storm gathering in the west, more over! " Yes, I moast see the prharie, and just now. I have play two nights in the hot room, and I want air. I have got noting but gasp all here," touching his broad chest ; " I must see the prharie." "Well, but," said Phillips, " you'll have to stay out all night ! Vell, I shall see the prharie in the night." " There's a devil of a storm coming up !" I shall see the prharie in (he storm." " But, d m it, you've got a thin coat on !" " I can see the prharie vitout any coat." In short, it was spiritually an obligate movement on the part of the musician prestissimo " at that." He could not wait for a party that might be arranged next day ; he would not persuade his usual compagnon du voyage to stay out all night ; and he should not com pel his servant ; the fit was on him, and the " solitude of the prairie"*he was determined to enjoy solitary and alone." He procured a vast amount of unintelli gible information, which he said " yes" to, paragraph- ically, galloped down to the ferry-boat, rode twice round the engine apartment in the centre, by way of getting over soon, and was only stopped by the sud den halt of his steed, as his eye caught a sight of 136 OLE BULL IN THE SOLITUDE. the piston-rod. Day waned ; night fell ; the storm held its revel till near morning ; the sun arose beau tifully; 10 o'clock A. M. saw the streets dry; and about meridian, the anxious friends of the musician were made happy by his re-appearance, drenched, dried, and bedraggled, but his eye filled with light, and his heart with music, as usual. He shall tell his adventure himself: Yes, he vas fine fellow, dat horse, he give three kick ven he leave the-fehrry, and I feel just like him, I give three kick too ! No, I did not know any road, but everybody tell me go right on, and I go. Vehry tick mud ! to be sure, but I don't mind mud on the prharie. I ride on, and after good while I come to ever so many roads, and I vas bother, but I tink to myself, my horse has fine instink, and let him go ; and vat I find but he tink just like me he take the tickest mud too, and I go on again ; and' when it got pretty near dark I come out on the prha rie all wide beautiful fine grass flower so many bird all sing sing sing I feel light as if I could jump up and stay dere, and my horse, he feel just like me again ; he jump up, too, and den he sniff the grass, and kick up vid his behind, and go ne- he-he-he-e-e T Veil, I laugh at him vherry mootch, and get down to let him eat dat fine grass, while I listen to all de sounds, and look at de birds. 0, dere vas one beautiful little kind all black, vid red head, yellow vings and I vas surprise to hear so many different song. Veil, I valk avay, and vat you tink ? if dat horse fine instink he run right after me, and rub me all over; just as if he like me for ,ii.*r a - .-* * * . i"; . ' i ; ' ' ' . " n "--^ '""* ** ' ' ' ^ ', :J ' ' - ' '(**' ' ' ' ' .' ' - ',.'''- . . ' , - ->'J '-,'' , ' . . ' : ' - - --, t .-*.,. ^;;v ... .. ' , < - ., ! " . . i , .; -/.-->' . **& ""^ ^"' !-^ .;.. . r I -full," and beauti fully balanced! And then the shiny whiteness of the surface, as if the moral glory beaming within, absolutely shone through ! In short, a head of Wash ington, lit up for a 4th of July night, is no circum stance" to the benign front of our friend B . The next inquiry is, how did our friend B lose 130 140 HOW OUR FRIEND B 1 S HAIR WENT. his hair ? Thus ! Could a man with such a head be other than a Whig ? Certainly nol ! And, the most thorough-going Whig of his flourishing city, he left the banks of one of the great lakes, as a delegate to the Baltimore Convention, last May. May 1844! that glorious but everybody has read the papers. There were a great many heads in Baltimore wise heads, and long heads, and fine heads, and swelled heads, but there was no head to compare with the head of the Michigan delegation ! he, or it, were aJiead of every thing. Joy ! hope ! triumph ! Whig rule ! And, with every increasing round of rapture, B 's head became more resplendent, till, at length, came the grand procession. B must tell the rest himself. " Procession ! sixteen leagues long, by thunder ! My riads of freemen throngs of beauty ! Whar was Michi gan on that great day ? In the midst of the triumph, and I at its head, boss ! Balconies bending ; muslin and cambric fluttering ! Hurrah for Clay ! Up comes one of my aids ; < B , for God's sake, don't give the word to cheer any more boys all hoarse, now.' Hoarse ! here, hold my hat go it alone, by thunder, for old Michigan. Whoo-rahfor Clay, and the La dies ! Whew * didn't the cambric flutter then ? couldn't stand it ! Just run my right hand, then my left, through my har t lock after lock, out they came, gave'em to the winds saw'era mount towards the balconies, beauty striving for'em ! then, wasn't Michigan a star! Women screamed and men hollowed gals snatched, and hand kerchiefs fluttered, and on I went, right and left left and right feather bed in the air a fool to it ! front locks and side curls, side curls and front locks, quicker and thicker 9 and the whole d d universe full of nothing HOW OUR FRIEND B *S HAIR WENT. 141 but me and Michigan, until every bar was gone, and all I could do was to blow kisses untill all creation seemed. just gathered together to hug me! Well, by this time, my voice had followed my har y when up we came to a perfect conflagration of beauty ! four story double house covered all over with it, and one splendid creature cried out, Three cheers for Michigan T Whew, thunder ! hadn't a lock on my head, or a note in my voice ! Up came same d d Aid, and, says he, Why don't you give the word to cheer ?' Couldn't do it snatched my hat from him, held it up to both sides of the street Take my hat! they understood me nine cheers nine more from Michigan " Stop ! look here, by thunder, what'll you take ?~so dry I can't remember the rest of that immortal day, but that's the way I lost my har! A leetle bitters in it, if you please thankee. Well, I'd now got to hum to my wife, and what on airth was I to do for my har ! Friend suggested a wig, but < no,' says I, I'll go the naked truth, by thunder ! Old woman's Clay all over, and the chief difficulty will be to make her believe it's me, that's all !* Well, hum I got, and my friend stuck close all the way, so as to be able to swear to the individual ; and first thing I did was to appear before a magistrate, and cursed if he knew me ! So my friend just swore to me, reg'lar, and up I went hum with the papers. Well, in I went, with my hat off^ so as to give her the full front of it at once ; and, first, she kind a come forward, and then she kind a went back ; and then her eyes began opening, and then her mouth followed, and at last she bursted out! < Why B , 'taint you /' Well, I came mighty 142 HOW OUR FRIEND B 's HAIR WENT. nigh a burstin' out laughing, myself, but I kept mum, hauled out the affidavit, and she read it ; and what be tween surprise and affliction, hanged if the tears didn't come in her eyes, and then the joke was over. < If you don't b'lieve that, wife, here's my affidavit to back it ;' I just took her in my arms and kissed the book, I tell you ! Fellows, there's nothing like a touch of nature. If she stopped a going on forgiving me till next morning, I wish I may be shot !" ' A FANCY BARKEEPER. OUR friend, Breeze, is the roundest, loudest, hardest, happiest host among the host of hosts with whom we are acquainted ! He keeps the largest kind" of a house, the loudest sort of a gong, and the longest spread of a table ! Moreover, his servants are always "here," he, himself, is always there, and the guest who can't be happy under such circumstances had better be nowhere ! Breeze, of course, keeps a bar, and before he under took the business at all, having, naturally, consulted everybody with regard to his prospects, and everybody having told him that they, a "good deal, depended upon circumstances!" and Breeze understanding that those circumstances included, particularly, a " good bar" and a polite barkeeper," after laying in his " liquors," set about making inquiries for an efficient toddy dispenser. A good-looking man he must be, of course; a man, moreover, with somewhat of taste in dress as well as address ; a man of pleasant manners, but, most distinct ly, of sufficient discretion ; for even pleasantry may, occasionally, be run into the ground." A trilling eccentricity would be no decided objection, nay it might, perhaps, be a recommendation the other ne cessary conditions holding good, for a man may be none 143 144 A FANCY BARKEEPER. the less gentlemanly" for being a character," and being thus popularly estimated and received, is, certain ly, no detriment to a barkeeper in his vocation. The requisites, then, simply stood as follows : A good-look ing man, a well-dressed man, an agreeable man, a dis creet man, an eccentric man under certain restraints, in short, a fancy man a Fancy Barkeeper !" It is hardly necessary to say, that failures and disap pointments were encountered by our friend Breeze hi his search, and that only by strangely concatenated circumstances, was this highly concentrated individual at length discovered ! He was discovered though, and Breeze was a happy and prosperous man, in his own and everybody else's estimation ! the bar was popu lar, the mixtures unexceptionable, and Twirl" (we'll call him Twirl) exhibited a rare combination of the icy" elements! In the matter of eccentricity he was perfect to a charm ; he never overdid the business, and the manner of it was the most unique thing in the world ! He was remarkably quick and dapper ; his inquiries were always abbreviated for instance, a gin cocktail was "gin-cock?" plain brandy was "brandy p ?" and then there was brandy wat-?" " brandy sug-?" &c., &c. ; but the most delightful of all was the flourish which accompanied each action ! He was clearly of a poetic instead of a mathematic turn, for angles or straight lines he neither thought nor moved in ; circles were his existence, from which he never departed, farther than an occasional elipse ; the man was a sphere each act had its axis ; he was a tireless illustration of the laws centrifugal, and centripetal as well, for however he might fly off, there was a sure and graceful return to the centre ; such a thing as a tangent was A FANCY BARKEEPER. 145 impossible, and his system, though called eccentric, was considered as sure as the solar one ! He never put a tumbler straight down, it alighted from his hand, after .a series of gyrations, with a graceful curve. He never handed a " gin-cock" straight out, it invariably " cut an 8" before it was submitted ; and then the way in which half dollars were spun into the drawer, and the " hey, presto" flourish, with which the " change" was returned, was a matter of the most pleasing enjoy ment to all ! It was no uncommon thing to see half a dozen heavy-bottomed tumblers making the most lively demonstrations on the counter, all at the same moment, waltzing, dos-a-dos-ing, turning partners, every thing but indulging in a direct "chassez forward ;" this never happened under the most hurried circumstances ! Nor was this poetry of motion" confined to the empty ones only ; " brandy p's" and gin-tods fre quently went through the same evolutions, without " spilling a drop," and even corpulent decanters and waistless champaign glasses, occasionally joined the " mazy round." Breeze was a happy man ; he even appeared to have caught something of the circling in fection, for instead of walking, he seemed to undulate ! instead of going straight up-stairs, we have seen him often ascending in a sort of wavy line, as if fresh from the contemplation of Hogarth's " line of beauty !" As to an equilateral triangle or zig-zag, he was no longer capable of such a vulgarity ! While this harmonious arrangement succeeded thus admirably in the bar, things were rather round-about, also, in the dining-room, but, unfortunately, not with the same result for in this case, somehow, the} wouldn't "work straight," and Breeze thought it would 13 146 A FANCY BARKEEPER. be all right if he could induce Mr. Twirl, on an in creased salary, to take the management of the " table fixens," and circle them into something like system. Mr. Twirl consented, but Mr. Twirl was, after all, but mortal, and such had been the success of his twirling, that it turned his head, and no wonder ; however, he undertook the dining-room bodies, and Breeze, in his ecstasy, invited a few of his particular friends to wit ness the triumph of his motions, confident that a plane tarium would be a "fool to them." The gong b-r-r-ang-ang-wang~w-r-ranged ! the doors flew open with a slap-dash! the crowd rushed in, scuffle shuffle ! hats chairs napkins knives good as you are" Hail Columbia ! Breeze stuck to his accustomed plan of presiding at the head of his own table. Twirl was in command, every man was at his post, and now then for "something like regularity!" The signal flourish was given, and as many arms made a circling sweep upon as many covers, which instantly made a circling ascension into the air, where they were flutteringly arrested. The signal to turn was then given ; but, instead of all wheeling to the right, every other man, somehow, wheeled to the left, and a delicious crash of tin cymbal-like in tone, or rather more so over the heads of the startled guests, was the conse quence ! This was awkward ; but the bodies were awkward, and as Mr. Twirl might almost be regarded as occupying the position of a worker in chaos, the collision was to be excused. Round came the soup, about fluttered the plates, pitchers were handled with that playful motion peculiar to the use of the watering- A FANCY BARKEEPER. 147 pot; there was a considerable spilling of gravy, and a liberal sprinkling of pants, while the somewhat un usually elated Mr. Twirl, over an immense sirloin of <*Toast," went through the broadsword exercise in the most formidable manner ! The affair waxed hotter ! circle, sweep, splash, sprinkle while, occasionally, encroaching upon each other's orbits, the bodies would jostle, to the inevitable destruction of wares," if not to their own entire precipitation from the system! The dinner-table, however, in America, as we are now and then reminded by tourists, is more the scene of action than of observation ; and though Mr. Breeze was much distracted in his appetite, he had still strong faith in science. The first rush was over, and wine began to circulate, when Mr. Twirl, more strangely elated than ever, ab solutely spun himself into the midst of his favorite accom plishment. Such a ringing and rolling of bottles and glasses over the bare mahogany had never been dreamt of! but, contrary to use, there was a smash here, and a crash there, and Mr. " So-and-so's compliments" were hardly ever delivered without a delivery of wine, at the same time, at least equal to three times the capacity of the glass; and, finally, a decanter of port, spinning directly into Mr. Breeze's own lap, at the same instant that Mr. Twirl evinced an evident desire to throw a somerset over the table, led the amazed landlord to examine more particularly the state of his regulator ! and, must we say it ! will yon central orb forgive it ? will its dependent family of worlds believe it ? Mr, Twirl was wound up, used up, done up, in short he was very drunk ! With an oppressed spirit, Mr. Breeze directed his 148 * A FANCY BARKEEPER. "patent revolving" prodigy to "go straight to bed" as if in any disarrangement of his motions such a thing were possible ! He was finally " come round," how ever, and placed there, but whether he has ever arisen therefrom, we are not prepared to say, as that was 'the last seen or known of the Fancy Barkeeper." "MR. NOBBLE!" . BY JOS. M. FIELD, ESQ., OF THE ST. LOUIS " REVEILLE." If the capital sketch subjoined was not written by the facetious "Straws," alia* Everpoint," of the ** Picayune" and " Reveille," then, like Billy Black, we "gives it up !" The 44 Reveille* is one of the best daily papers west of the Alleghanies, yet its editor has found leisure to write some most amusing stories, a prize comedy or two, and play several profitable engagements at the theatres of the southwest within the last year ! We hear it is his intention to give the world a collection of his miscellaneous prize writings soon, through the medium of the publishers of this work; it should and will, doubtlessly, command an immense sale. " MISTER NOBBLE !" Mr. Nobble was venturing very carefully along an uncertain staging, which afforded an equally uncertain passage from a ship alongside the wharf, to a vessel bound from a port " 'way Down East" to a port " 'way off South ;" and Mr. Nobble, at the moment when the shrill and imperative summons reached his ear, was mentally and physically contriving how he should pre vent one child's tub, one ditto clothes' horse, one night lamp, two flat irons, a dozen of oranges, two pounds of sago, a box of Guava jelly, one bottle of " choice old port," (not to be shaken,) and himself the arrears of the family requisitions for the voyage from tumbling over board! 13* H9 150 "MR. NOBBWE." The provident and peculiarly placed gentleman alluded to, was at this moment in the " worst place ;" and one of the planks " waggling" awfully, and his own knees, moreover, assisting the " disturbing causes," some two hundred most deeply interested spectators, with great concern, saw Mr. Nobble's oranges, like a flock of sheep, bound one after the other into the water, attempting to arrest which, Mr. Nobble unfortunately released the tub from his arm, which stooping to catch, Mr. Nobble unfortunately entangled his legs in the " horse," at the same time losing his hat and dropping the flat irons on his toes ; crowning this succession of disasters by falling flat on his face, crushing the jelly and smashing the port certain sailors, in their anxiety to pick up the owner, busily kicking his remaining scatterings overboard, to be subsequently secured to their own profit. "Mr. Wobble!" An extremely novel and striking tableau was presented on the poop of the outside vessel, having scratched both his knees through his pantaloons in his desperate haste to rise and rescue his " stores," had finally precipitated himself over the rail upon the deck, where he now stood before a very pale and anxious, though stout-looking elderly lady, tightly grasping in his hand the neck of the port bottle. Going into details, it should be stated, that the lady supported on her knee a sodden-looking infant, which was painting its face with a stick of molasses candy, while a very wide-mouthed urchin, who had just " put his eye out," as his mother insisted, against a " belaying pin," was ingratiating himself in "MR. NOBBLE." 151 the favour of the assembled passengers by yelling out all sorts of unusual murders at her side. An Irish nurse, who contented herself with standing by and say ing* grurolyj " 0> it's kilt ye are, af course !" completed the picture. " Mr. Nobble, it's all nonsense ! I can't go in the ship and I won'/- you're welcome to save my life but shan't do it on salt water ! Run ashore again for a doctor his eye's out I know it is, and after all there's no hive syrup neither. 0, my gracious, if they aint loosening the sails ! and your friends to go and put a sea voyage in your head when he's always a climbing and playing with water and no place to do the baby's washing with a wasting disease too that's robbing the child and starving it daily as you can see by its cheeks * Mr. Nobble !' " Mr. Nobble was a placid man, of extremely family demeanor, and he listened to this perfectly clear, though rapid statement of circumstances, with the air, though by no means the indifference , of a man who was used to it. Mrs. N. was an invalid, nervous opposed to the voyage, and, albeit he himself " suffered dreadfully," he was constitutionally a "family man," and expected annoyances. Forgetting his mishap, he was about to soothe his partner, when the younger Nobble stopped his bawling to kick the nurse on the shins, which ope ration he followed by pitching his head into her stomach and fixing his teeth into her leg. Mr. Nobble!" A score of sailors running aft with a hawser scattered the Nobbles, and as the vessel swung round, her bows into the stream, the numerous passengers congratulated themselves upon a comfortable prospect with that inte resting family. 152 "MR. HOBBLE.** "Mr. Nobble !" (very faintly.) The present summons came from the after-state-room of the gentlemen's cabin, for Mr. Nobble had been too late to secure berths in the ladies' division much to the regret of the feminine gender on board. The night lamp swung with great regularity from the centre of the battened down " sky-light," as the ship rolled heavily ; there was a dismal creaking and grinding of her timbers as if she felt rfieumatic, and was endeavouring to say so ; while ever and anon came a hoarse voice above, followed by a tramping of feet and a sudden fall of coils of rope upon the thin poop deck, making one jump again! "Mr. Nobble!" (very sharply.) To admit light, a child's chair had been interposed between the door and Mrs. N.'s state-room, Which chair was now undergoing a battering attack, from and on account of the said door, with each roll of the ship ; a feminine undergarment, which had been ingeniously secured between handle and latch as a screen from masculine curiosity, was waving triumphantly with every " slam ;" a fat figure in shirt and pantaloons, stretched on the dining-table, with his feet braced against the main-mast, snored with an abrupt snort as the heavier rolls recalled him occasionally to a sort of consciousness, and, finally, with the third "Mr. JVb&ble," which sounded for all the world like the clip of a pair of scis sors, a very yellow face, topped by a red handkerchief, was raised above the table, and Mr. N., in a dressing gown, advanced anxiously but carefully to his partner. " Julia ?" moaned inquiringly Mr. Nobble. " Oh, there you are, at last, Mr. Nobble, with my "MR. NOBBLE." 153 dying words ringing in your ears for the last hour all the water spilt, and no more in the wide ocean I suppose, to keep one from choking and won't stay on one's stomach neither without strength for a change of clothes and two children ! Don't tell me to be patient, with a wasting disease, and the door slamming, there by yourself, in a cool public cabin, a-snoring ! Yes it was you, Mr. Nobble I know your snore if I know any thing about you and Johnny calling to you, too, ever so long, to keep the girl from rolling out of the upper berth over him in the next room out in the Gulf Stream as you call it, and no faith in a southern climate with a constant croup and no squills if it was taken this minute ! Mr. Nobble, are you snoring again, while I'm talking to you ? Yes, you are, I say ! Eh ? the fat gentleman on the table ! I knew so, and exposed to every eye with my knees to my chin to keep steady there goes the child ! Gracious goodness, it'll choke, and the stewardess asleep, too, without an emetic among the passengers! convulsions! Yes, it is! convul sions ! don't tell me, and it may die for warm water, for all you're good for stewardess ? Don't you hear me call * stewardess ?' Mr. Nobble ! And not a female to feel for me with even a hot towel. Mr. Nobble? Oh yes, he's gone to light a fire and be washed over board, I suppose Hus-s-S'S-h'h my darling nobody come yet ! good heavens it's dying ! Mr. fat passen ger ? Mr. gentleman asleep? Oh, that door again! Mr. Nobble ? And not a short gown to cover myself I must get out Hus-s-s-s-h-k, then ray darling, Mister Nobble? " - Bv this time the captain and divers passengers had 154 "** NOBBLE." "turned out" the fat gentleman sat up nibbing the back of his neck an elderly lady appeared with the stewardess from the after-cabin, and finally Mr. Nobble himself staggered in from the deck, bearing a tub of hot water. The baby, at the same time, was brought out into the light, to ease their minds, by relieving it's stomach of a square inch of cold potato, which, in spite of Mr. Nobble's protestations, Mrs. N. Icnew that he must have given it at dinner, as he was never satisfied unless he was stuffing it, and, moreover, knew no more about children than a child unborn did about first trousers ! "Mister Nobble!" The vessel, " going out light," yet almost scraping the bottom of the " middle channel," was gliding over the fairy waters of the "great Bahama," its "three fathoms" revealing, as through a tinted haze, marine plant, shining spar, and, ever and anon, the strangely shaped and shadowy haunters of the coral reefs. Sea and sky mingled their transparent fluids, till the tinted sails filled, not forced, by the gentle breeze seemed like so many summer clouds wafting while shading the happy watchers of their progress. An awning partially screened the " poop," in the shadow of which various groups beguiled the time. Cards, books, anecdote ; three or four smokers in straw hats, with sun-burned faces, sat in the yawl slung on the lee quarter ; the fat passenger snored on the skylight ; a lean ditto hastened his consumption by playing on a flute to the after-rail ; Master Johnny had his legs through the ratlins, and the Irish nurse, her first day on deck, was endeavouring to draw the baby up and down in a claret-box. - ^/1 . .. - ' . > '. T * . -" ' ' ..' ;-:'. _ .' ' ' ' --.' ' . . " ... ' '." S "" ' f ' : ' ' > . - - * & A.-.' '' : '-' ' . . ' ' . '- ' " ' . ' " ' t * ' -. ": -- ' ' .-'-' '." -' ' s "' ' ' , r.;.,/'- ^' Mr. Nobble, your not going to )eair eT "MB. NOBBLE." 153 "Mr. Nobble!" Several heads appeared struggling up the steps from the lower deck, and presently, Mrs. Nobble securely braced in an arm-chair and supported by the captain, mate, and Mr. N., was placed comfortably against the mizen. The appearance of real, heartfelt satisfaction with which the anxious and evidently stomach-rinsed husband superintended this operation, contrasted rather strangely with the yet bilious aspect of the wife. " Mr. Nobble ! you're not agoing to leave me ? Oh, take me down again! didn't you say there was no motion there! don't I see the water when you told me we were on the bank ! not a bit of land to be seen and two horrid weeks with constant suffering and weak gruel. Mercy on me, where are we! in a pea-green climate as I'm a sick woman and there's the girl a stag gering while you stand here and care no more for the child than if it was your grand-uncle^-there ! I felt the chair go, no danger, indeed, as if I was a spider, like the sailors gracious goodness, look at that boy you Johnny Mr. Nobble! if his legs aint through and all his knees out, his new pair, too, to go ashore in and nobody to offer to save him from being drowned with a swimming in his "head / knew it ! right on his head in the lady's lap and both their brains knocked out or it's a mercy. Much your father cares, my child it's all Mr. Nobble's fault, Ma'm, with your constant climbing, and a wasting disease, Ma'm, that keeps me from look ing after them and you know what a family is what's that ! Mr. Nobble ! only a squall indeed, don't they say it'll strike us Captain ! can 't we go the otner way ! no I won't go down, nor the children neither to be swal- 156 "MR. NOBBLE." lowed alive and there's that gentleman asleep and snoring and I knew it! " Mrs. Nobble had made a poor use of her foreknow ledge, for at this instant she was enveloped in the awning; the sails were let go " all flying;" a mo ment's whirlwind was succeeded by a drenching shower, and Mr. Nobble explicitly charged with his wife's death, (that afflicted lady once more restored to her state-room,) watched her patiently till she slept, and meekly pictured to himself the probable delights of a winter in New Orleans. HONEY RUN." Mr, DraffiaM, you've ft mighty .mall chtnco of left, there, tny how l Judgt Douglau't Story. THE gentleman from Illinois" is not the only gen tleman whose legs have led him into embarrassment ! A political friend of ours, equally happy in his man ners, if not in his party, among the Missouri constitu ency, found himself, while canvassing the state one summer for Congress, in even a more peculiarly per plexing predicament than the Illinois judge. There is a spot, in the south-western part of this state, known as the Fiery Fork of Honey Run a delicious locality, no doubt, as the run of " honey" is, of course, accompanied by a corresponding flow of milk," and a mixture of milk and honey, or, at any rate, honey and Peach" is the evidence of sublunary content ment, every place where they have preaching ! " Honey Run" is further christianized by the pre sence of an extremely hospitable family, whose man sion, comprising one apartment neither more nor less is renowned for being never shut against the travel ler, and so our friend found it during the chill morning air, at the expense of a rheumatism in his shoulder its numerous unaffected cracks and spaces clearly show- H 157 158 HONEY RUN. ing that dropping the latch was a useless formality. The venerable host and hostess, in their one apartment, usually enjoy the society of two sons, four daughters, sundry dogs and " niggers," and as many lodgers as may deem it prudent to risk the somewhat equivocal allotment of sleeping partners. On the night in ques tion, our friend, after a hearty supper of ham and eggs, and a canvass of the Firey Forkers the old lady hav ing pointed out his bed felt very weary, and only looked for an opportunity to " turn in," though the mosquitoes were trumping all sorts of wrath, and no net appeared to bar them. The dogs flung themselves along the floor, or again rose, restlessly, and sought the door-step ; the " niggers" stuck their feet in the yet warm ashes ; the old man stripped, unscrupulously, and sought his share of the one collapsed-looking pil low, and the sons cavalierly followed his example, leaving the old woman, gals," and stranger," to settle any question of delicacy that might arise. The candidate yawned, looked at his bed, went to the door, looked at the daughters ; finally, in down right recklessness, seating himself upon the downy," and pulling off his coat. Well, he pulled off his coat, and he folded his coat, and then he yawned, and then he whistled, and then he called the old lady's atten tion to the fact, that it would never do to sleep in his muddy trowsers ; and then he undid" his vest, and then he whistled again, and then, suddenly, an idea of her lodger's possible embarrassment seemed to flash upon the old woman, and she cried Gals, jest turn your backs round 'till the stranger gits into bed." ' The backs were turned, and the stranger did get into HONEY RUN. 159 bed in less than no time," when the hostess again spoke : Reckon, stranger, as you aint used to us, you'd better kwer up till the gals undress, hadn't you?" By this time our friend's sleepy fit was over, and, though he did " kiver up," as desired, some how or other the old counterpane was equally kind in hiding his blushes, and favoring his sly glances. The nymphs were soon stowed away, for there were neither bustles to unhitch nor corsets to unlace, when their mamma, evidently anxious not to smother her guest, consider ately relieved him. " You can unkiver now, stranger ; I'm married folks) and you ain't afeard o' me, I reckon !" The stranger happened to be married folks" him self; he unkivered and turned his back with true con nubial indifference, as far as the ancient lady was concerned; but, with regard to the "ga/s," he de clares that his half-raised curiosity inspired the most tormenting dreams of mermaids that ever he e.xpe-. rienced. A "HUNG" JURY. AMONG the dispensers of justice in a certain central ward of old St. Louis, during its unpretending, << even* banded" days, was 'Squire W . His astute com prehension of, and rigid adherence to, legal proprieties are yet recollected. A case was submitted to him, << once on a time ;" but, his decision not satisfying one of the parties, (very likely to occur, by-the-by, even in primitive ages,) the case was continued ;" which further step, according to the rule in justices' courts, now as then, involves the ceremony and expense of a jury. The second trial came on, unfortunately, upon a morning which, for some good cause or other, the whole town had devoted to jubilee and rejoicing whether it was that a great man was to be " received," or another great man dismissed, it is immaterial ; suf fice it that guns and drums equally did their duty in calling the citizens away from theirs. Plaintiff and defendant were punctual in their at tendance before the justice, anxious to settle their dif ference just as anxious to have their share of the show and the officer was despatched to collect a jury ; but, after a no less anxious search, he was obliged to return 160 A HUNG JURY. 161 without a man, his summons going for nothing in the general excitement. Impatient at the delay, the parties litigant agreed to wave the matter of a jury altogether ; to just re-argue the matter and abide by His Honor's" decision. But His Honor had his own more reverend parade of the law to enjoy, and, therefore, with a chief justice air, he declared that, inasmuch as that the case had been con tinued, and that the purpose of said continuance was entirely to obtain the sense of a jury, it would be all nonsense to proceed in any less regular way. " There fore, Mr. Constable," continued the 'Squire, " you will, by virtue of your authority, summon and compel the presence of a jury forthwith." The constable again set forth, the " bench" relapsed into abstruse cogitation, and the plaintiff and defend ant were fain to content themselves with the hope of getting clear " after a while." Wearily went the moments ; but, at length, the in defatigable officer, bathed in perspiration, returned, having secured one well-known, easy-going citizen, remarkable as being the largest, lovingest, and laziest man about town. 'Squire," said the panting official, I've gotten Bob, 'cause he says it don't make much difference to him ; but there isn't nary nother as don't say they'll see me d d first, and so the thing's out, as far as my footin' on it goes, I reckon !" The constable wiped his brow with determination, the justice began to foresee a dilemma, and nothing but the " costs" prevented " the parties," in spite of their attorneys, from flipping up " head or tail" for an issue. At length the constable made a suggestion, which 14* 162 A HUNG JURY. the " parties" eagerly consenting to, the 'Squire finally sanctioned. This was, that Bob, the lazy gentleman just mentioned, should serve as jury all alone by himself!" All was settled at once ; the lazy gentleman de clared that it " made no difference," and, getting " a chew" from the constable, down he sat. The plead ings were despatched ; the jury was charged ; the ap proaching procession was heard in the distance, and all parties were only waiting to hear the verdict, when the jury, after one or two indolent hitches in his chair, and a leisurely discharge of tobacco juice from be tween his teeth, turned to the court and said " Well, I reckon, 'Squire, the jury'll have to retire." This was unexpected, and had not been altogether the mode, either, injustice W 's court, inasmuch as there was no place for the jury to retire to, except within themselves ; but the present body was unani mously of opinion that he ought to have a fair shake at the merits of the case, and so the court adjourned to the sidewalk, leaving the jury all to himself, with his heels on the table. Moment after moment passed away ; the litigants every now and then cast a glance in at the conscien tious umpire ; the procession was evidently approach ing along the next street, and, suddenly, the oppo site counsel" excusing themselves, walked off towards the corner. Drums, hurrahs, &c., now began to swell upon the air, and plaintiff and defendant, after sundry inquiries as to the chances, even marched off also, leav ing the 'squire and constable to receive the verdict. The constable next became impatient, and, finally, the A BUNG JURY. - 163 'squire himself got the fidgets ; each moment seemed an age, until the dubious twelfth was just asked if he was " going to take the whole day or not ?" ^ Well, the fact is, 'Squire, the jury can't agree, no how. We're just hwig y and no mistake ; and, if you can't let us stay out, why you'd better discharge us, by thunder !" The jury was discharged ! . - . * , . PATERNAL GUSHINGS. SOME one went into << fits and dem'd raptures," as Mantalini would have it, last month, in the Knicker bocker, about a baby, a boy-baby, a fifteen-pound-boy- baby being born to him ! Does he know that he is a green horn ? Does he know that he yet knows nothing ? A fifteen pound" is a " whopper" to be sure a " fine child," and it may have its " father's nose" and all that ; but, we repeat it, he knows nothing, he has never had twins ! twins ye gods ! a pair of 'em ! naked, little, rosy, bawling busters ! in vestis cubicularis! If he had, he might talk. If he'd ever had, afterwards, twelve women hauling him about, and telling him he was the luckiest man in the world passing the swad dled ones from hand to hand, with kisses ringing like shots ; the hee-e-e wd-e-e of the cherubs mamma doing well," lying in lavender with a frilled cap on, smiling like a soul in bliss, and insisting on having 'em both back, for she " knows they want her" If he'd ever had big he fists slapped on his shoulders, wicked fingers punched into his ribs, his health drank with " hurrah's," while merry voices have declared that he ought to be " ashamed of himself;" going home, then his heart dancing, his head singing, feathers to his heels, making but two steps from curb-stone to curb- 1(54 PATERNAL GUSHINGS. 165 stone, his latch-key ready six squares off, and, once inside, springing up stairs, boots in his hand, a story at a time ; we say, if going home so, and opening the chamber door, as fain to glide in through the key-hole he had ever been stopped by the nurse's " hush," and, directed by her finger to the bed, had contemplated what? ye gods! Heaven, peace, contentment, love, ecstasy too big for speech, too full not to run over ; tears! yes, grateful, heart-swelling, hope-crowning, joyous tears ! Fast asleep, all ! think of saying a///" calm, lovely sleep ; a rose and two buds ; bosoms heaving, a harmony of sighs, .dEolian whispers stirring with melody every heaven-strung chord in the bosom of the happiest dog alive ! Had he ever, too excited to go to his lone bed in the next room, laid down in his trowsers, gazed towards the shading curtains, listened to the little nestlings, the fussy kickings the the ? We again and again say it, he's a green-horn, a young 'un he knows nothing. Furthermore, there is an ecstasy to come he has'nt dreamt of; a fifteen-pound- boy-baby is well enough, it's wheels and its pulleys, its pumps and its valves, its engines and reservoirs, its beautiful machinery," &c., all well enough, but wait 'till it speaks! wait 'till it says "cow!" that's the phrensy ! Wait,until conjjnced by its blessed mother's incessant instructions, at the window, that a cow, a moo-ly cow," is the most interesting object in nature, it dances in its daddy's arms, points with its little finger to a pig in the gutter, and says cow-w!" a whole room full of admiring friends and neighbours ready to devour it not the pig, but the little dear, so forward !" Hark! a band of music louder a company of 166 PATERNAL GUSHINGS. soldiers in the next street; ma and company rise, up. go the windows, in rush the children drum and trum pet every head out coming round corner " shadows before " a swarm of little boys with paper caps and clam shells Hooray! there's the captain epaulets and feather walking backward sword extended- word of command Left wheel !" at same instant heel in hole down goes captain scream of delight line breaks, and " cow cow," cries the blessed child, half crazy! But it has stood alone" before this, and had " a tooth" before that, and been " very large for its age" before either ; and we, having lived through the whole, and being proud of our experience, we tell the Knicker bocker man again and again, that he knows nothing, that he makes himself ridiculous, that he's a bigger boy than his fifteen pounder" to go on so, and every parent who has reared a fine child" to cut teeth and say cow," will agree with us. At the same time, as some excuse, it's a first ;" as a further excuse, he showed some sense in getting married ; and as, perhaps, a total excuse, he really has managed to become a father ; and, we advise our young friends, in each re spect, to emulate his example. By-the-by, here is something a 'pro pos to the subject. * A WERRY GRAVE EXHORTATION. You hasn't yet got married, Knick, You doesn't know the sweets, The little soothin' solaces As we wot's married meets ; PATERNAL GUSHINGS. The bosom's warm emotions, and The drops within the eyes, The nice clean shirts and stockings, and All them ; ere tender ties ! You don't know what it is, Knick, A-lyin' in your bed, To gaze on careful woman's form- While the breakfast things is spread ; When you don't want to get up, cos The kiver feels so nice ; And she says, Won't you have another cup, And this 'ere other slice ?" . The fire a-burnin' bright, Knick, And all upon a chair, Your linen, and your draw'rs, Knick, A-hangin' up to air ; I axes ev'ry heart, Knick, As isn't made of steel, If one can look upon that fire And not a warmin' feel ! Oh, werry few, indeed, Knick, Knows when they're truly happy, When the baby is fetched in, Knick, To kiss it's lazj*-*pappy ;" You ittle di^piny ting, It's mammy turn and eat her ; You bessed babe it was so tweet It tood'nt be no tweeter! "You dod-a-bessed angel you Don't pull it's pappy's hair ; Take fingers out of pappy's cup Don't cry it shall den there ; }68 PATERNAL GUSHINGS. Oh, fie, to spill all pappy 's tea You naughty ducky diny ; You oney, doney, roguey, poguey, Sweetest, sugar shiney !" Oh, Knick, there is some mi nits when The stoutest hearts '11 quiver ; Just let a baby spill your tea, While you're beneath the kiver ; One little hand within your hair, The other in your cup Don't wonder we so often feels As we could "eat 'em up!" !'YOUR TURN NEXT, SIR." THE principle of rotation" should never be lost sight of in a democracy never, above all, in a barber's shop ! Order is Heaven's first law," and "Louis's" also, as the many shavers, who patronize that attentive functionary at his establishment, the Italian Baths, St. Louis, are well aware of. Let the reader be kind enough to consider himself an anxious gentleman with a two-day's beard" on, seated at 9 A. M., on one of Louis's sofas ; his coat off, his neck exposed, and evincing other symptoms of impatient readiness to place himself in the first chair vacant. There they are, some six or eight of them, reclining almost horizontally, as their lazy heels are elevated, on luxuriously stuffed mahogany stools, nearly to the level of their drowsy heads. See how the rascals enjoy it ! There is one fellow now, with his plaguy bright boots, grunting with satisfaction under the champooing operation ; his eyes closed, and his head wagging, as the brisk fingers of the professor make themselves acquainted with the topography of his cranium it'll be sixty minutes at least before he's done ! There's another ! his chaps lathered until they look like a prize specimen of frosted confectionary ; and yet the operator, as if pleased with the snowy 15 169 170 YOUB TURN NEXT, SIR. beauty of his art, is adding fresh dabs so they fondly pet a pat of butter ! Will none of them budge ? Look at that character getting his hair cut ; he has evidently no faith in his tonsor ; he knows he is in a " latest cut" establishment, but hair is his weakness! See how anxiously he consults his hand-gjass; a miss-clip on that side-lock would ruin him ! That man has distinct visions of the mode in Broadway and Chestnut street, and a downright suspicion, if not a positive contempt, is vexing his mind during this fateful amputation ! curse that fellow, he'll take a week ! Look at that plethoric monster, and wonder why, as the razor glides over his florid folds, you can think of nothing but a green turtle ! He's jocose, too ; and, as he makes his ebony attendant grin, see how he lifts the corner of bis eye to watch the effect on his neigh bor. Thank the stars no you don't ! Your turn next, sir /" and a cool, consummate, quiet customer, who has been reading the paper unnoticed at your elbow, rises deliberately, unties his cravat, takes off his coat, and you are led to inquire, mentally, if it is his turn next, how many more may be before you ? Hor rible suggestion ! There are, actually, a dozen loiter ers with beards or* ! How many of them have entered after you, a mere matter of guess-work to all save the omniscient oracle of Your turn next, sir /" Another rises. "Four turn next, sir!" not your turn, reader; take it patiently. Did any Christian ever see such an abomination as is practised upon the human countenance in this same city of St. Louis ? Look at that apparently magnetized bust, the brows, cheeks, and neck, appertaining to "which are at this moment being smeared over from ' Your turn next, sir." Ah, iin't such a chair a comfort!" 171 the lather-cup back and front, preparatory to a scrub as if the possibility of a gentleman extending his own ablutions round the base of his skull were a stretch of cleanliness not to be thought of! Dab dab dab d-d-d-dab ! Isn't he a pretty looking object ? Ah, there goes the sponge ! over his brow back of his neck washing himself will never trouble his thoughts after this, certainly ! " Your turn next, sir /" May all one of the punishments in the Swedenborgian next world, indu bitably, will be waiting in a barber's shop for your turn next !" Dr. Bush must speak to this point forth with. There's a pug-nosed villain been under the soap for seventy-five minutes by the church-bells, and now, confound him, he " feels so good " that he's getting his hair cut! " Your turn next, sir!" Go to the eh ! what ! not my turn ? YOUR turn next, sir!" I am (meaning you are, reader,) mollified ! Under the hands of Louis himself, too ! Civil Louis ! Good- looking Louis ! Louis that'll be a prince one of these days, and go to Paris I Ah, isn't such a chair a com fort ? Run your eye along your leg, and sec what that is agitating your toes so ! a fluttering juvenile, dust ing the tips of your boots ! Ah, the first tap of the brush agreeable temperature ! Now it glides over your jaws, and you wouldn't change for a warm bath! The steel not a scrape, reader, but a touch, as if your cheek were swept by a butterfly's wing ! Exquisite Louis! If you would subdue your enemy, put him into a soft chair and shave him! How the strings about your heart relax ! No more straining and tightening ; thoughts of ease ideas of charity they come and go, and now you are on the confines of 172 YOUR TUBN NEXT, SIB. dream-land ! softer softer murmuring music Hallo ! actually took a nap ! What the deuce are you about, back of one's neck? Lather? Well, go it!" Wouldn't get up for the world ! So squeeze your sponge a little, though, there's a drop down one's back. Ah, a Cologne wipe, delightful! and now fora champoo never mind those fellows waiting ! "And, as his Hying fingers touch the keys" There he is now, playing away on your benevolence ; now, ideality, a scratch exquisite ! Hope, music murmurs dream-land again ! Hallo towel jerked away! "Four turn next, sir /" Remorseless Louis! actually dismissed despatched turned out! nothing but a job after all ! Patience, however, and take a peep in the glass. There are jaws of velvet and locks of silk ! Sir, you've been under the hands of an artiste ! Any one may see Italian Baths written in your face ; scent Ireddl fy Glamorgan in your perfumed path ! On with your coat ; your well-smoothed hat ; take your stick ; a parting glance ; greet the sunlight : damme, you're a nosegay ! Your turn next, sir ! STOPPING TO "WOOD. 1 IN spite of the magic changes which have been wrought in the "way of doing things" upon the western waters, the primitive mode of "wooding" from the bank remains unaltered as a sort of vaga bond Indian in the midst of a settlement as the gal lows does in the light of civilization. The same rude plank is " shoved" ashore, the same string of black and white straggle through the mud to the " pile," the same weary waste of time exists as was the case twenty years ago. Steamers have grown from pigmies to giants, speed has increased from a struggle to a "rush," yet the conception of a ready loaded truck, or a burden- swinging crane despatching a "cord" for every shoulder load, appears not to have entered the head of either wood dealer or captain. At the same time, though the present mode is to be condemned as behind the time ;" as tedious, slovenly, and unnecessary, there are occasions when " stopping to wood" is an event of positive interest and excite ment. Passed over be the fine sun-shiney morning when, jogging along nothing behind nothing before, the passengers lounging about heels up, or heads down the unnoticed bell gives the signal for "wood," and the boat draws listlessly alongside of the "pile." Equally unregarded be the rainy day, when, mud to the knees and drenched to the skin, the steaming throng, 15* 173 174 STOPPING TO WOOD. 3 and plashing, drop their backloads, with a " whew /" and fail to find, even in the whisky barrel, a laugh or a << break down." But not so the star-lit even ing in June, when, the water at a good stage," and out for a brag trip," with a rival boat behind, and the furnaces roaring for " more" the more they are fed, the signal is given and a faint flicker on the distant bank beacons the hungry monster towards its further supply of fuel. From New Orleans thus far on the trip up, the two boats, of nearly equal speed, have alter nately passed each other during the stop to wood," showing no gain of consequence on the part of either, and the grand struggle has been as it at present is, to rush" the operation so as to get a start before being overtaken. The bank is reached the boat made fast gangways are formed Lively ! men, lively!" cries the mate, and while the upper cabins pour out their crowds upon the boiler deck, the hands," and the swarms of wild-looking passengers below (obliged by contract) dash ashore among the brush. Now ensues a scene that tasks description ! The fire, augmented by piles of the driest wood, crimsons the tangled forest ! Black and white, many of them stripped to their waist, though others, more careful, protect their skins by ripping and forming cowls of empty salt sacks, attack the lengthened pile, and amid laugh, shout, curse, and the scarcely in termitting scream of the iron chimneys, (tortured by the still making steam,) remove it to the boat. "Lively, men, lively!" rings the cry, and lively, lively is the impulse inspired by it ! See that swart, gigantic negro, his huge shoulder hidden beneath a pyramid of wood, hurl to the deck bis load, cut a caper along the plank, and, leaping back, seize a flam- STOPPING TO WOOD." 175 ing bruid to whirl it round his head in downright en joyment! "Lively! lively!" Laugh, shout, whoop, and the pile is rapidly disappearing, when a cry is heard from the hurricane deck" Here she comes, round the point !" 'Tis the rival steamer, sure enough ; and once more she will pass during this detention. Now dash both mate and captain ashore to << rush" the matter. The bell is struck for starting, as if to compel impossibility ; the accumulated steam is let ofl' in brief, impatient screams, and the passengers, sharing the wild excite ment, add their cries. Passed again, by thunder!" "We've got enough wood!" " Leave the rest!" &c. In the mean time, round the point below, sweeps the up-comer all lights and sparks moving over the water like a rushing fire- palace ! Now her " blow" is heard, like a suppressed curse of struggle and defiance, and now, nearing the bank where lies her rival, a sort of frenzy seizes on the latter "Tumble it in!" "Rush her!" D n the rest!" " You've got enough !" Ra-a-a-s-h ! goes the steam ; the engine, " working off," thunders below ; again, the bell rings, and the hurly burly on shore is almost savage. At length, as the coming boa!; is hard on astern, the signal tap is given, all hands aboard!" The lines are let go, the planks are shoved in by the negroes who are themselves drawn from the water with them, and amid a chaos of timber, a whirl of steam, and a crash of machinery, once more she is undef weigh. The struggle is to leave the bank before she can be passed, and fuel, flame, arid phrensy, seem ingly unite to secure the object ; barrels of combusti- 176 STOPPING TO "WOOD." bles are thrust into the furnaces, while, before the doors, the << firemen," naked and screaming, urge their wild efforts! "Here she is, along-side!" and now the struggle indeed is startling ; the one endeavouring to shoot out from the bank across the bows of the other, and she, authorized by river custom, holding her way, the con sequences of collision resting alone on her imprudent competitor. Roar for roar scream for scream huzza for huzza but now, the inner boat apparently gaining, a turn of her antagonist's wheel leaves her no option but to be run into or turn again towards the bank ! A hundred oaths and screams reply to this manoeuvre, but on she comes on, on, a moment more and she strikes ! With a shout of rage the defeated pilot turns her head at the same moment snatching down his rifle and discharging it into the pilot-house of his op ponent ! Fury has now seized the thoughts of all, and the iron throats of the steamers are less hidous than the human ones beneath them. The wheel for a mo ment neglected, the thwarted monster has now taken a sheer in the wild current," and, beyond the possi bility of prevention, is driving on to the bank ! A cry of terror rises aloft the throng rush aft the steam, every valve set free makes the whole forest shiver, and, amid the fright, the tall chimneys, caught by the giant trees, are wrenched and torn out like tusks from a recoiling mastadon. That's a stretcher," will cry out some readers, and such a scene is not likely to be witnessed now, but the writer will not soon forget that such he bore a part in, some ten years ago, and that the captain, when asked what he thought of it, replied, Well, I think we've got h 11, any how !" DEATH OF MIKE FINK. THE Last of the Boatmen" has not become alto* gether a mythic personage. There be around us those who still remember him as one of flesh and blood, as well of proportions simply human, albeit he lacked not somewhat of the heroic in stature, as well as in being a perfect terror" to people ! As regards Mike, it has not yet become that favourite question of doubt " Did such a being really live ?" Nor have we heard the skeptic inquiry " Did such a being really die ?" But his death in half a dozen dif ferent ways and places has been asserted, and this, we take it, is the first gathering of the mythic haze that shadowy and indistinct enlargement of outline, which, deepening through long ages, invests distinguished mortality with the sublimer attributes of the hero and the demi-god. Had Mike lived in early Greece," his flat-boat feats would, doubtless, in poetry, have rivalled those of Jason, in his ship ; while in Scandi navian legends, he would have been a river-god, to a certainty! The Sea-kings would have sacrificed to him every time they " crossed the bar," on their re turn ; and as for Odin, himself, he would be duly ad vised, as far as any interference went, to lay low and keep dark, or, ^re-haps," &c. 177 178 DEATH OP MIKE FINK. The story of Mike Fink, including a death, has been beautifully told by the late Morgan Neville, of Cincin nati, a gentleman of the highest literary taste, is well as of the most amiable and polished manners. The Last of the Boatmen," as his sketch is entitled, is unexcep tionable in style, and, we believe, in fact) with one exception, and that is, the statement as to the manner and place of Fink's death. He did not die on the Arkansas, but at Fort Henry, near the mouth of the Yellow Stone. Our informant is Mr. Chas. Keerale of this paper,* who held a command in the neighbour hood, at the time, and to whom every circumstance connected with the affair is most familiar. We give the story as it is told by himself. In the year 1822, steamboats having left the " keels" and broad-horns" entirely " cue of sight," and Mike having, in consequence, fallen from his high estate that of being " a little bit the almightiest man on the river, any how" after a term of idleness, frolic and desperate rowdyism, along the different towns, he, at St. Louis, entered the service of the Mountain Fur Company, raised by our late fellow-citizen Gen. W. H. Ashley, as a trapper and hunter ; and in that capacity was he employed by Major Henry, in command of the Fort at the mouth of Yellow Stone river, when the oc currence took place of which we write. Mike, with many generous qualities, was always a reckless dare-devil ; but, at this time, advancing in years and decayed in influence, above all become a victim of whisky, he was morose and desperate in the extreme. There was a government regulation which St. Louis Reveille. DEATH OF MIKE FINK. 179 forbade the free use of alcohol at the trading posts on the Missouri river, and this was a continual source of quarrel between the men and the commandant, Major Henry, on the part of Fink, particularly. One of his freaks was to march with his rifle into the fort, and demand a supply of spirits. Argument was fruitless, force not to be thought of, and when, on being posi tively denied, Mike drew up his rifle and sent a ball through the cask, deliberately walked up and filled his can, while his particular " boys" followed his example, all that could be done was to look upon the matter as one of his queer ways," and that was the end of it. This state of things continued for some time; Mike's temper and exactions growing more unbearable every day, until, finally, a "split" took place, not only be tween himself and the commandant, but many others in the fort, and the unruly boatman swore he would not live among them. Followed only by a youth named Carpenter, whom he had brought up, and for whom he felt a rude but strong attachment, he prepared a sort of cave in the river's bank, furnished it with a supply of whisky, and, with his companion, turned in to pass the winter, which was then closing upon them. In this place he buried himself, sometimes unseen for weeks, his protege providing what else was necessary beyond the whisky. At length attempts were used, on the part of those in the fort, to withdraw Carpenter from Fink ; foul insinuations were made as to the nature of their connection ; the youth was twitted with being a mere slave, &c., all which (Fink heard of it in spite of his retirement) served to breed distrust be tween the two, and though they did not separate, much of their cordiality ceased. 180 DEATH OF MIKE FINK. The winter wore away in this sullen state of torpor ; spring came with its reviving influences, and to cele brate the season, a supply cf alcohol was procured, and a number of his acquaintances from the fort com ing to rouse out" Mike, a desperate frolic," of course, ensued. There were river yarns, and boatmen songs, and nigger break-downs," interspersed with wrestling- matches, jumping, laugh, and yell, the can circulating freely, until Mike became somewhat mollified. I tell you what it is, boys," he cried, "the fort's a skunk-hole, and I rather live with the bars than stay in it. Some on ye's bin trying to part me and my boy, that I love like my own cub but no matter. Maybe he's pisoned against me ; but, Carpenter, (strik ing the youth heavily on the shoulder,) I took you by the hand when it had forgotten the touch of a father's or a mother's you know me to be a man, and you ain't a going to turn out a dog!" Whether it was that the youth fancied something in sulting in the manner of the appeal, or not, we can't say ; but it was not responded to very warmly, and a reproach followed from Mike. However, they drank together, and the frolic went on, until Mike, filling his can, walked off some forty yards, placed it upon his head, and called to Carpenter to take his rifle. This wild teat of shooting cans off each other's head was a favourite one with Mike himself and "boy" generally winding up a hard frolic with this savage, but deeply-meaning proof of continued confidence; as for risk, their eagle eyes and iron nerves defied the might of whisky. After their recent alienation, a doubly DEATH OF MIKE FINK. 181 generous impulse, without doubt, had induced Fink to propose and subject himself to the test. Carpenter had been drinking wildly, and with a boisterous laugh snatched up his rifle. All present had seen the parties < shoot," and this desperate aim, instead of alarming, was merely made a matter of wild jest. " Your grog is spilt, for ever, Mike !" " Kill the old varmint, young 'un !" What'll his skin bring in St. Louis ?" &c. &c. Amid a loud laugh, Carpenter raised his piece even the jesters remarked that he was unsteady, crack !" the can fellj a loud shout, but, instead of a smile of pleasure, a dark frown settled upon the face of Fink! He made no motion except to clutch his rifle as though he would have crushed it, and there he stood, gazing at the youth strangely! Various shades of passion crossed his features surprise, rage, suspicion but at length they composed themselves into a sad expres sion ; the ball had grazed the top of his head, cutting the scalp, and the thought of treachery had set his heart on fire. There was a loud call upon Mike to know what he was waiting for, in which Carpenter joined, pointing to the can upon his head and bidding him fire, if he knew how! "Carpenter, my son," said the boatman, "I taught you to shoot differently from that last shot! You've missed once, but you won't again !" He fired, and his ball, crashing through the forehead of the youth, laid him a corpse amid his, as suddenly hushed, companions ! Time wore on many at the fort spoke darkly of the deed. Mike Fink had never been known to miss 16 182 DEATH OF MIKE FINK. his aim he had grown afraid of Carpenter he. had murdered him! While this feeling was gathering against him, the unhappy boatman lay in his cave, shunning both sympathy and sustenance. He spoke to none when he did come forth, 'twas as a spectre, and only to haunt the grave of his " boy," or, if he did break silence, 'twas to burst into a paroxysm of rage against the enemies who had " turned his boy's heart from him !" At the fort was a man by the name of Talbott, the gunsmith of the station : he was very loud and bitter in his denunciations of the " murderer,", as he called Fink, which, finally, reaching the ears of the latter, filled him with the most violent passion, and he swore that he would take the life of his defamer. This threat was almost forgotten, when one day, Talbott, who was at work in his shop, saw Fink enter the fort, his first visit since the death of Carpenter. Fink approached ; he was careworn, sick, and wasted ; there was no anger in. his bearing, but he carried his rifle, (had he ever gone without it ?) and the gunsmith was not a coolly brave man ; moreover, his life had been threatened. " Fink," cried he, snatching up a pair of pistols from his bench, don't approach me if you do, you're a dead man !" Talbott," said the boatman, in a sad voice, " you needn't be afraid ; you've done me wrong I'm come to talk to you about Carpenter my boy!" He continued to advance, and the gunsmith again called to him : " Fink ! I know you ; if you come three steps nearer, I'll fire, by !" Mike carried his rifle across his arm, and made no DEATH OF MIKE FINK. 183 hostile demonstration, except in gradually getting nearer if hostile his aim was. Talbott, you've accused me of murdering my boy Carpenter that I raised from a child that I loved like a son that I can't live without ! Pm not mad with you now, but you must let me show you that I couldn't do it that I'd rather died than done it that you've wronged me " By this time he was within a few steps of the door, and Talbott's agitation became extreme. Both pistols were pointed at Fink's breast, in expectation of a spring from the latter. " By the Almighty above us, Fink, III fire I don't want to speak to you now don't put your foot on that step don't." Fink did put his foot on the step, and the same mo ment fell heavily within it, receiving the contents of both barrels in his breast ! His last and only words were, " I didn't mean to kill my boy !" Poor Mike ! we are satisfied with our senior's con viction that you did not mean to kill him. Suspicion of treachery, doubtless, entered his mind, but cowardice and murder never dwelt there. A few weeks after this event, Talbott himself per ished in an attempt to cross the Missouri river in a skiff. ESTABLISHING A CONNECTION, WHEREIN ANIMAL MAGNETISM 13 REDUCED TO VULGAR COM PREHENSION You're travelling on a steamboat, say ; A walking, here and there ; You'll, maybe, meet a pretty face A certain witching air ; You'll see it once or twice, and then You'll say she's very pretty !" And then, perhaps, you'll walk away, And, maybe, hum a ditty. Well, then, perhaps, at dinner time, A glance or two may wander Towards the table's upper end, Where she's a sitting, yonder ; You'll find a something 'bout her mouth, And the way she lifts her fork, And cuts her meat, and moves her jaw, . And her other table work ! You meet her, then, upon the " guard," Where, with her friend, she's walking, Her arm round her companion's waist, As gill's do when they're talking ; 184 . ESTABLISHING A CONNECTION. 185 You note the sweetest kind of foot- That nameless girlish grace And that bright smile which makes you glow To see on a girl's face. Well, this goes on, perhaps, two days, You keep a walking round, And find yourself, when near her, Very silent and profound ; At last Lord ! what a thing it is ! It runs you through and through You raise your eyes, and catch her glance-~ A mfe-glance, and at you ! Of course she drops her eyes at once, And looks upon the floor And you may watch her by the hour. But won't catch her any more ; Yet somehow, she don't move away, In which a comfort lies ; And though you cannot see 'em, yet, You kind a feel her eyes ! Well, then, perhaps, one of the doors Is lined with looking-glass, In which, perhaps, you see her face, As, loungingly, you pass ; You take a peep you walk away And then walk back again Then sit and look, as though her face You'd draw right out the pane ! You're trying all the time to look A unconcerned as ever 16' 1S6 ESTABLISHING A CONNECTION. You run your fingers through your hair- Perhaps to hum, endeavour ; But still you're peeping at her face, And time don't pass so dull ; When, suddenly in peeping, whew! You meet her eyes right fall ! Oh gracious! where's your breath! you're gone! You feel yourself a blushing, And wonder why so old a hand Should feel his blood a rushing But still you sit, and so does she And, at once, without instructor You find a pane of lookin'-glass A very good conductor ! Well, so it goes next morning, p'r'aps You bow to her at breakfast And then you fiddle with your fork, 'Stead of swallowing your steak fast ; Well, she has no great appetite, And what she eats she minces And sits uneasy in her chair, As if worried with the chinches ! Perhaps you venture, on the guard," To say something 'bout " the morning," And she says, Yes, sir," with a smile And blush her cheek adorning ! And then you can't say any more And she can't look up either And you almost want to get away And you don't want to neither ! ESTABLISHING A CONNECTION. 187 Well, now you're in a state for more Decisive operation ; Doubt not the process, but, at once, Assay manipulation !" Just touch her fingers ! if she stands And don't lift up her head, "- - - * The thing is out, as Crockett says, You're right and go ahead !" A NIGHT IN A SWAMR IN the December of 1834, putting out" from the Capital of Georgia, Milledgeville, (a "promising town," but which very few people think it worth while to re mind of its promises,) might have been seen, at an early hour in the morning, a long, lumbering wagon, canvas-topped, &c., a "basket horse" snuffing the breeze out of the after end, and one or two eccentric- looking individuals, (exclusive of the driver an " up- country cracker,") lounging in the forepart, almost as inertly as the rag pile of " Miller's Men" on which they were reclining. This was the baggage- wagon," containing the movable portion of the " scenery, ma chinery, dresses, and decorations" of Mr. Sol Smith's theatrical company, then in the act of invading the state of Alabama on a winter campaign, and with the purpose of attacking the town of Montgomery, in par ticular. Immediately after breakfast, on the same morning, two or three " travelling carriages," not over ostentatious in their appearance, set out, on the same road, containing Manager Sol and the rest of the com pany. It was about the commencement of bad wea ther ; the streams were rising ; I remember distinctly that it was a pretty general drench across the two states, but it is my intention only to mention one or two watery passages connected with the journey. 188 A NIGHT IN A SWAMP. 189 Not a great way from the Alabama line, in Georgia, on the high road to Columbus that is, if it continues to be a high road in these times of topographical muta tion is a watercourse called Bull Creek ; the whole route had been rendered difficult by the heavy rains, and now, Bull Creek lay in the way, swelling and roar ing and endeavouring to deserve its name, by behav ing in as bull-headed a manner as possible. Old Sol's private carriage was, literally, a family coach, his whole family (a small one at that time, though) being con tained in it, to say nothing of the writer, who sat on the front seat, wondering what was to "be done with him next." Of course there was a dead stop at the formi dable-looking ford ; the negro-driver didn't like dat water, no how ;" till manager Sol," who had often crossed before, cast the black boy for another part, that of the footman, assumed the responsible character of coachman himself, and boldly determined that he would go through with it. In he went in deeper now, glancing from the coach window, we caught a full view of the stream, with its impetuous rush in the middle. Solomon!" said a mild voice, won't it be dan gerous ?" " Sol !" cried a more reckless one, " can you go it, old fellow?" " Hallo ! daddy," screamed one of the boys, here's the water coming through!" " It's only deep for a few yards," said Sol, pushing onward, when, in an instant, the body of the coach was inundated, and, from its loose motion, it was evi dent that we were afloat ! Sol whipped up like mad, as the vehicle swung round ; the horses snorted and 190 .A NIGHT IN A SWAMP. struggled, the boys screamed and gathered themselves on to the seats, the mother grew mute and pale, their fellow-traveller contemplated a spring through the win dowone intense moment, when the horses felt ground hurrah! whip, shout, struggle and the drenched coach, staggering and shivering, seemingly, was drag ged up the opposite slope ! " There," says Sol, "you stupid nigger, couldn't you do that?" The driver resumed his seat with an expressive \Vhew!" Well," muttered he, I never did tink Ole Sol done fotch himself clar, dat time !" Three or four days, over corduroy roads, in the Creek Nation," Alabama, had not served to shake Bull Creek from remembrance, when a homeless throng of about two thousand persons, camped in every shape and direction, travellers, movers, negroes, &c., warned us that we had reached Kalebah Hatchee, the drain of an immense swamp, now flooded, and that the rude bridge, &c., had been swept away. It was evening when we arrived. The one house of enter tainment swarmed like a bee-hive, while the borders of the swamp were hardly less populous. "Not a bit of room, inside" cried the landlord, as we drove up. Thank you," said Sol, "Knew you would. Jump out ladies." Not a bit of room, I say," repeated the landlord. " Of course a bit will do ; there's only three, and they can all go together, when there's a crowd !" " But I say, there's no use of coming in /" " They're coming in, thank you," blandly persevered A NIGHT IN A SWAMP. 191 the manager, with his hand to his ear, as if partially deaf; and actually pushing by the man, with the ladies under his wing, he made his way into a back room of the log tenement- one which served alike for kitchen and eating-hall placed the shivering females at the fire, and forthwith began doing the agreeable to the cook and hostess. Following the example of their manager, in being a little deaf, and a little blind, and a good deal civil, some half a dozen of the party managed not only to get in for a warm," as poor Smike says, but to seat them selves at the " first table," also ; nay, more, finally obtaining the sanction of the landlord, to "take their chance" for the night. The woods, without, were red with camp-fires ; the ground was marshy and wet, but the scene was of the wildest and most exciting nature. Not a soul had passed for several days ; the gathering crowds, however, with the Indians of the neighbour hood, had toiled unceasingly, and a few hours' work, in the morning, it was thought would complete a tem porary means of crossing. The movers sat listlessly, within or around their wagons ; the negroes, prepared their suppers, laughing and singing, as usual ; the In dians stood by in groups, or wandered singly, begging for whisky ; while Sol and his friends, raising the sur prise of all, went from tent to tent" rehearsing the chorusses of Cinderella and Massaniello, then " in active preparation," for the opening of the season, at Montgomery. Bed time came, all but the beds ! The Thespians had "their chance," however, and had fixed their hopes upon a small rude apartment, which, with divers barrels, old trunks, saddles, &c., actually did contain 192 A NIGHT IN A SWAMP. a cot, carefully watched by a lanky, stupid-looking fellow. On the cot, by some extraordinary distribu tion, were two pillows, and one of them being denied to the intruders, as they arranged their bag or two of straw, a direful longing for mischief was aroused. At length Sol entered, looking more like a deacon than ever he did in his most clerical moments. "Sir," said he, to the proprietor of the pillows, " you have no ob jection to prayer?" "No," said the man, rather con fused. " Seek the landlord, if you please, and procure two candles !" The commissioned one looked at his cot, then at his company how hushed into a respect ful solemnity of aspect and finally went to procure two candles. " What the devil do you want with two candles ?" cried the landlord as he stood at the door, with a pine torch in his hand. " That preacher says he wants to have prayers by 'em." It is uncertain whether the host liked least the de mand, or the object of it; but after an equally fruitless application to the lady of the mansion, the messenger returned to find the room in total darkness, and his fellow-lodgers fast asleep. He groped to his cot, and his first exclamation was, " The pillers gone, by gra cious!" Another feel "Look here, deacon!" A very comfortable snore came from one corner. " I say, strangers, I'll be go derned if you hain't gone to sleep a leetle quicker than you'd a-done if you hadn't gone and stole my hull beddin' ! not a dern thing but the tick /" muttered he, as he continued his examination. Strang ers !" A simultaneous snore from every point appeared to warn the bereaved one that the odds were entirely f-y x ( . .- - . .- - ; . >'...'. . *+"*' :.*: ! ' - : . ^ ', ^ , ^ ; ( -- - - '- --^^^^ (( ;. i; - H ^ J ir,?n.;.M, I " Sir,' Mid he to the proprietor of the pillows, you have 00 objectiou to prayer* ?' . '-'-. -. O . . . A NIGHT IN A SWAMP. 193 against him, and muttering that he was " a dern fool, any how," and " a pretty dern kind of a prayer meetin' that was," &c., he seemed to bestow himself on the outside of the tick. Things became quiet, when the intense darkness was strangely dissipated by a broad stream of blue fire, which, starting from one side, made its way along the planks, directly towards the cot, the occupant of which jumped up in alarm. "Two candles, h 11!" said he: "I should like to cntch myself prayin' with such a dern set, or sleeping either! and lie bolted out, while the Thespians bolted themselves in ; restoring the cot contingents, invest ing the deacon with its occupancy, and, finally, empty ing the brandy flask, n portion of the contents of which hod procured the evacuation of the fortress The writer remembers being^iwakened in the morn ing by a strange sort of pushing and punching at his head. "Be quiet, will you!" cried he, Another punch, and an attempt to pull the pillow away. " Oh, thunder," said he, peevishly, I've got the pillow, nml I mean to keep it !" Push punch and a deuce of a pull ! D n it, what arc you about !" The sleeper started up to behold the snout of a swine in the act of being withdrawn through a hole in the floor, and the pillow following it into the upper apartment the pig-sty! How the deacon contrived, notwithstanding the im patient crush of two thousand persons, to get his teams first over the bridges, in the morning, ought to be the subject of a separate story. 17 STEAMBOAT MISERIES. AFTER TUB MANNER OF BYRON. a dream which was not all a dream ; The last bell" bade me hasten, and 'twas said That we should be " right off," and, lo, it was so ! And crowded guard," and peopled " hurricane," And hat and 'kerchief waved from deck and shore, And steamy echoes mick-eceding hills, Till men from nature turned to Paul de Kock. Anon the twilight shadows, a young moon, And a bright planet as its handmaiden, And gazing on the west, where a dull red Skulk'd 'neath the silv'ry glory, to myself I said, "It must be, surely, supper time ;" Turning below, e'en as another bell, Of shriller clamour summoned to the board, \Vhere all were seated, and I missed it that time ! Many were like me, and one rev'rend man Spake of a second table," calm in faith That we should find it " much more comfortable." And dishes went, and came, and went again, (Wide margins unto strangely larded dabs) And places were vacated one by one, And scraps were gathered, and odd-sized boys 104 STEAMBOAT MISERIES. 195 (None of 'era matched,} seemed hired to take their time ;" And faithfully, if so, they earned their money. At length the summons I was seated, and Two odd boys held huge pitchers at my head, On either side, demanding tea or coffee ?" And tea I said, but sought in vain for milk ; As vainly for a stomach frigid dabs ! And turn'd I from pork-chop to munch a cracker, And view that ancient man as I could kick him ! And morn awoke upon a fairer stream ; "When, lo ! nor basin, napkin, till I sought A closet on the " guard" to come in ninth For the tin bowl, to wipe with a wet towel, And think more charitably, far, of Boz ! Hunger was on me, nor on me alone ; Unshaven men, in two impatient rows, With grasp on chair-back, eyed the lengthened board; While women peeped from distant " ladies' cabin," And to myself I said, in this time, sure." Anon the captain eager, all sat down, And I was nearest to the ladies' end, When, as I paused in my choice of pig, Came a low voice, " You are a chair too high, sir ;" I turned I saw I bowed and I arose ! Again the second table" and no milk ; Cold sausage, bacon priceless were an egg! But eggs and milk being no part of pig, (No more than basins, towels, and white soap,) I simply had to wish that I might get it !" 196 STEAMBOAT MISERIES. And hours. And meals, and days, wore dully on ; And table first or second still, still pig ! Until the horrible conception came That all things animal beside were dead : Herbivone, the grarainivorse, MamraiferjB, and things oviparous, The finny tribes with those of subtler air Command having been spoken, root or die ! M The cloth was foul, the forks were i* the rust, The plates unwiped, and the castors void ; There was a streaked mass ne'er got of churn, Moist yellow cubes, as falsely called cheese ; Thrice was a shirt-sleeve in my platter dipped, And shoat, and bacon, sausage, ham, and souse Souse, ham, and sausage, bacon still, and shoat, 'Till men to other spake but in a grunt. And if there be canoe, or " keel," or flat-boat D e if e'er I am caught again on that boat ! . , A RESURRECTIONIST AND HIS FREIGHT. ONCE upon a time" not a long time ago a popu lar comedian, of whom nothing further need be said, than that he is fast losing his early pretensions to shape and beauty, and that his name is Tom Pladde ; once upon a time and, if there be any curiosity as tc sea son, we might as well say " during the fall" this wag of a fellow was descending the Mississippi, in fine spi rits, and a sporting coat. There were divers queer characters on board of the steamer, with whom Tom, while amusing himself with their peculiarities, was withal a great favourite, but none of them " cotton'd" to him more kindly than an elderly hoosier," from the innermost depths of Indiana, and who was now visiting New Orleans for the first time. This russet- looking antique, "whether it was from the comedian's sporting buttons, or his habit of concluding controversy with " I'll bet you," &c., fully made up his mind that Tom was a "gentleman sportsman" and wherever ho saw a small game" going on, he was careful in not ing the skill and quality of the players, the " size of their pile," &c,, and bringing Tom the items. The " gen tleman sportsman" was very much obliged, of course, though he didn't exactly know what to make of it, when, one day, the confidential hoosier took him aside, 17* 107 198 A RESURRECTIONIST AND RI8 FREIGHT. told him that there was a smart chance of a pile'* on one of the tables, and that if he liked, he (the hoosier) would " go in with him in cahoot /" Tom was very much amused at this, but told his proposing partner that he was mistaken ; that the fancy coat covered not a "sportsman," but a player. "Swan to gracious!" exclaimed the old contriver, "one of them fellers that tumbles! seen 'em, once, more'n half naked, cuttin' up, down to Madison !" Tom didn't trouble himself much in explaining the difference between a theatrical show and a circus show, but told, the story of the cards, &c. about the boat, rendering the old fellow quite an object of interest to the passengers. Next to the card-playing, the object of anxiety to the hoosier was a very large and singu larly-shaped pine box, which lay in the Social Hall," containing nothing more nor less than a big fiddle, and which was owned by a very reserved and gloomy-look ing German, on his way south, professionally. < Plas," said the hoosier he was thrice familiar with Tom, after learning that he belonged to a show what on airth hev they got in that box ; it's the on- humanist shape I ever see in all creation !" Hush," said Tom, mysteriously ; don't you know ?" " No ! I'm nighly dead a guessin' !" Bodies !" whispered the comedian, with a strong expression of loathing. Bodies!" echoed the startled inquirer ; not ra'al human bodies ?" Bodies !" repeated Tom, at the same time apply ing his handkerchief to his nose ; taking them down for disssection ; belong to a doctor on board." A RESURRECTIONIST AND HIS FREIGHT. 199 The hoosier turned away, opening his eyes and shutting his nose. At length) he inquired if they were " Niggers" ' " White woman and two children," was the reply ; " one on each side of her accounts for the shape of the box." At this moment the haggard, unshaven violinist ap proached, and the thoroughly sawed" victim made way for him as if he had been the cholera incarnate ! " Goes about diggin' on 'em up, does he ?" said he, between his teeth, and in a suppressed voice; why, it'll breed pison !" and out he went on the guard" to lake a long breath. Tom told this joke, also, among the passengers, who carried it on, highly amused; making wide circuits whenever they had to approach the box, using their handkerchiefs, and expressing much indignation at the captain for permitting that description of freight to be brought under the noses of his passengers. Some talked of leaving the boat, and others of lynching the doctor, till at length the captain, who had also been put up to the fun, approached the crowd, then gathered about the bar. " Phew !" sniffled the captain, it's very warm in here, gentlemen ; phew !" and he pulled out-his hand kerchief. " Gentlemen, isn't there something unplea sant about here ?" Pretends not to know what it is !" muttered the hoosier, aside. "Barkeeper," continued the captain, "what the deuce is it phew so queer here ?" " Reckon you don't know !" exclaimed the hoosier, stepping forward, and almost quivering with indignation. 200 A RESURRECTIONIST AMD HIS FREIGHT. Know ! certainly not," said the captain. Wall, you've got that box TOO NEAR THE STOVE, A perfect scream of laughter rather stumped the old fellow ; but a removal of " the lid of the coffin" was necessary before he could be convinced that the body, indeed, was only that of Old Rosin the Bow." He paid " the liquors'* willingly, " cussin* his old cat for not remembering that Plas" was one of the " show- folk varmints!" THE END* THIS BOOK IS DUE ON THE LAST DATE STAMPED BELOW RENEWED BOOKS ARE SUBJECT TO IMMEDIATE RECALL LIBRARY, UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, DAVIS Book Slip-50m-8,'66(G5530s4)458 AMPHLET BINDER = Syracuse, N. Y. Stockton, Calif. ^ 190271 Field, J.M. Drama in Poker- ville. PS1669 F19 D7 LIBRARY UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA DAVIS