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 No. III. 
 
 The Parchment Paper Series,
 
 English 
 As She is IVrote,
 
 THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 IRVINE 
 
 GIFT OF 
 MRS. DOROTHY K.I.IPTON
 
 English 
 As She is IVrote, 
 
 SHOWING 
 
 Curious ways in which the English 
 Language may be made to con- 
 vey Ideas or obscure them. 
 
 A Companio7i to '■''English as She is Spoked 
 
 NEW rORK: 
 D. Appleton & Co., i, 3, 5 Bond Street 
 
 1884.
 
 -p 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
 IRVINE 
 
 £6 
 
 COPYRIGHT BY 
 
 D. APPLETON AND COMPANY, 
 1883.
 
 Contents . 
 
 Page 
 
 I. How she is wrote by the Inaccurate . 9 
 
 II. By Advertisers and on Sign-boards . 20 
 
 III. For Epitaphs . . . ... .28 
 
 IV. By Correspondents .... 42 
 V. By the Effusive 56 
 
 VI. How she can be oddly wrote . . 71 
 
 VII. By the Untutored . . . . 91
 
 Prefatory . 
 
 ''ylNYBODY,'' said an astute lawyer, 
 .j^jL addressing the jury to whom the 
 opposing counsel had reflected upon iyiac- 
 curacies in the spelling of his brief — " any- 
 body can write English correctly, but sicrely 
 a man may be allowed to spell a word in 
 two or three different ways if he likes I " 
 This was a claim for i7idepende7ice of 
 actioji which so commended itself to the 
 jury that it wo?i a verdict for his client.
 
 'Prefatory, 
 
 The same plea may be considered in regard 
 to the truly wonderful way in which the 
 mother-tongue is often written^ by the edu- 
 cated sometimes as well as by the unedu- 
 cated. 
 
 A man, it may be urged, has a right 
 to spell as he chooses, and to express his 
 ideas, when he has a7iy, as best he can; 
 while, when he suffers from a dearth of 
 those rare articles, he has still more rea- 
 son to rejoice in liberty of choice in respect 
 to the language he selects to cover his pov- 
 erty of thought, He7ice there are doubt- 
 less good and stifficient reasons for every 
 specimen of ^'English as she is wrote]' 
 which it is the object of this little book to
 
 Prefatory. 
 
 rescue from oblivion, and which have, one 
 and all, been written with the sober convic- 
 tio7t, upon the part of the writers, that they 
 accurately conveyed the meaning they de- 
 sired. Intentionally htcmorous efforts have 
 been carefully excluded, and the interest 
 of the collection consists in the spontaneity 
 of expression and in the fact that it offers 
 fair sa^nples of the possibilities which lie 
 hidden in the orthography and construction 
 of our language. Let it be remembered, 
 then, that anybody ca7i write English as 
 she '' shotild be wrote!' and hence that a 
 certain meed of admiration is due to those 
 who, exercising their right of i^idependent 
 action, succeed in making it at once origi-
 
 8 
 
 Prefatory. 
 
 7ial and racy, and in co7iveying, without 
 the least effort, meanings totally opposed 
 to their intention, affording thereby ad- 
 77iirablc examples of English as " she is 
 wrote'' by thousands.
 
 English as she is wrote. 
 
 I. 
 
 By the Inaccurate. 
 
 In the account of an inaugural ceremony it 
 was asserted that '■'■ the procession was very 
 fine, and nearly two miles long, as was also 
 the report of Dr. Perry, the chaplain." 
 
 A Western paper says : '' K child was run 
 over by a wagon three years old, and cross- 
 eyed, with pantalets on, which never spoke 
 afterward."
 
 lO English as she is wrote. 
 
 Here is some descriptive evidence of per- 
 sonal peculiarities : 
 
 ** A fellow was arrested with short hair." 
 
 " I saw a man digging a well with a Roman 
 nose." 
 
 '* A house was built by a mason of brown 
 stone." 
 
 " Wanted — A room by two gentlemen thirty 
 feet long and twenty feet wide." 
 
 " A man from Africa called to pay his com- 
 pliments tall and dark-complexioned." 
 
 " I perceived that it had been scoured with 
 half an eye." 
 
 A sea-captain once asserted that his '' ves- 
 sel was beautifully painted with a tall mast." 
 
 In an account of travels we are assured that 
 *'a pearl was found by a sailor in a shell." 
 
 A bill presented to a farmer ran thus : " To 
 hanging two barn doors and mj^self, 4^. 6dy
 
 By the Inaccurate. 1 1 
 
 A store-keeper assures his customers that 
 " the longest time and easiest terms are given 
 by any other house in the city." 
 
 Here is a curious evidence of philanthropy : 
 "A wealthy gentleman will adopt a little boy 
 with a small family." 
 
 A parochial report states that " the town 
 farm-house and almshouse have been carried 
 on the past year to our reasonable satisfaction, 
 especially the almshouse, at which there have 
 been an unusual amount of sickness and three 
 deaths." 
 
 A Kansas paper thus ends a marriage no- 
 tice : " The couple left for the East on the 
 night train where they will reside." 
 
 In the account of a shipwreck we find the 
 following : " The captain swam ashore. So 
 did the chambermaid ; she was insured for a 
 large sum and loaded with pig-iron."
 
 12 English as she is wrote. 
 
 A notice at the entrance to a bridge asserts 
 that '' any person driving over this bridge in a 
 faster pace than a walk shall, if a white person 
 be fined five dollars, and if a negro receive 
 twenty-five lashes, half the penalty to be be- 
 stowed on the informer." 
 
 The following notice appeared on the west 
 end of a country meeting-house : " Anybody 
 sticking bills against this church will be prose- 
 cuted according to law or any other nuisance." 
 
 A gushing but ungrammatical editor says : 
 " We have received a basket of fine grapes 
 
 from our friend , for which he will please 
 
 accept our compliments, some of which are 
 nearly one inch in diameter." 
 
 On the panel under the letter-receiver of 
 the General Post-Office, Dublin, these words 
 are printed : '' Post here letters too late for the 
 next mail."
 
 By the Inaccurate. 13 
 
 An Ohio farmer is said to have the following 
 warning posted conspicuously on his premises : 
 '' If any man's or woman's cows or oxen gits 
 in this here oats his or her tail will be cut off, 
 as the case may be." 
 
 A lady desired to communicate by electri- 
 city to her husband in the city the size of an 
 illuminated text which she had promised for 
 the Sunday-school room. When the order 
 reached him it read, '' Unto us a child is bom, 
 nine feet long by two feet wide." 
 
 A farmer who wished to enter some of his 
 live-stock at an agricultural exhibition, in the 
 innocence of his heart, but with more truth in 
 his words than he dreamed of, wrote to the 
 committee, saying, " Enter me for one jackass." 
 
 An Irishman complained to his physician 
 that " he stuffed him so much with drugs that 
 he was ill a long time after he got well."
 
 14 English as she is wrote, 
 
 A correspondent of a New York paper de- 
 scribed Mr. C.'s journey to Washington to 
 attend " the dying bedside of his mother." 
 
 A dealer in engravings announced : ** * Scot- 
 land Forever.* A Cavalry Charge after Eliza- 
 beth Thompson Butler, just published." 
 
 A Western paper says that " a fine new 
 school-house has just been finished in that town 
 capable of accommodating three hundred stu- 
 dents four stories high." 
 
 A coroner's verdict read thus : " The de- 
 ceased came to his death by excessive drinking, 
 producing apoplexy in the minds of the jury," 
 
 An old edition of Morse's geography de- 
 clares that "Albany has four hundred dwell- 
 ing-houses and twenty-four hundred inhabi- 
 tants, all standing with their gable-ends to the 
 street."
 
 By the Inaccurate, 15 
 
 A member of a school committee writes, 
 *' We have two school-rooms sufficiently large 
 to accommodate three hundred pupils, one 
 above the other." 
 
 A Harrisburg paper, answering a corre- 
 spondent on a question of etiquette, says : 
 *' When a gentleman and lady are walking 
 upon the street, the lady should walk inside 
 of the gentleman." 
 
 A clergyman writes, " A young woman 
 died in my neighborhood yesterday, while I 
 was preaching the gospel in a beastly state of 
 intoxication." 
 
 A certain friendly society, which was also 
 a sort of mutual insurance organization, had 
 this among its printed notices to the members : 
 " In the event of your death, you are request- 
 ed to bring your book, policy, and certificate 
 
 at once to Mr. , when your claims will 
 
 have immediate attention."
 
 1 6 English as she is -wrote, 
 
 A New York paper, describing a funeral in 
 Jersey City, says : " At the ferry four friends 
 of the deceased took possession of the carriage 
 and followed the remains to Evergreen Ceme- 
 tery, where they were quietly interred in a 
 new lot without service or ceremony." The 
 devotion of the friends of the deceased was 
 certainly remarkable, but one can not help won- 
 dering what became of the remains. 
 
 A newspaper gives an account of a man 
 who " was driving an old ox when he became 
 angry and kicked him, hitting his jawbone 
 with such force as to break his leg." " We 
 have been fairly wild ever since we read the 
 paper," writes a contemporary, '* to know who 
 or which got angry at whom or what, and if 
 the ox kicked the man's jaw with such force 
 as to break the ox's leg, or how it is. Or did 
 the man kick the ox in the jawbone with such 
 force as to break the ox's leg, and, if so, which
 
 By the Inaccurate. 17 
 
 leg ? It 's one of those things which no man 
 can find out, save only the man who kicked or 
 was being kicked, as the case may be." 
 
 One of Sir Boyle Roche's invitations to 
 an Irish nobleman was rather equivocal. He 
 wrote, " I hope, my lord, if you ever come 
 within a mile of my house you will stay there 
 all night." 
 
 A German tourist expresses himself in re- 
 gard to his Scottish experiences as follows: 
 " A person angry says to-day that he was from 
 the theatre gallary spit upon. Very fine. I 
 also was spit upon. Not on the dress but into 
 the eye strait it came with strong force while 
 I look up angry to the gallary. Befor I come 
 to your country I worship the Scotland of my 
 books, my * Waverly Novel,' you know, but 
 now I dwell here since six months, in all parts, 
 the picture change. I now know of the bad 
 smell, the oath and curse of God's name, the
 
 1 8 English as she is wrote, 
 
 wisky drink and the rudeness. You have much 
 money here, but you want what money can 
 not buye — heart cultivating that makes respect 
 for gentle things. O ! to be spit in the eye in 
 one half million of peopled town. Let me no 
 longer be in this cold country, where people 
 push in the street, blow the noze with naked 
 finger, empty the dish at the house door, chooze 
 the clergy from the lower classes and then go 
 with them to death for an ecclesiastical theory 
 which none of them can understand. I go 
 home three days time." There is more in this 
 than grotesque English, however. It abounds 
 with good sense and penetration. 
 
 The following is a pattern piece of modern 
 style, sanctioned by an English Board of Trade, 
 and drawn up by an eminent authority : ** Tick- 
 ets are nipped at the Barriers, and passengers 
 admitted to the platforms will have to be de- 
 livered up to the Company in event of the
 
 By the Inaccurate. 19 
 
 holders subsequently retiring from the plat- 
 forms without travelling, and cannot be recog- 
 nized for readmission." 
 
 A college professor, describing the effect of 
 the wind in some Western forests, wrote, " In 
 traveling along the road, I even sometimes 
 found the logs bound and twisted together to 
 such an extent that a mule couldn't climb over 
 them, so I went round." 
 
 A mayor in a university town issued the 
 following proclamation : " Whereas a Multipli- 
 city of Dangers are often incurred by Damage 
 of outrageous Accidents by Fire, we whose 
 names are undesigned have thought proper 
 that the Benefit of an Engine bought by us 
 for the better extinguishing of which by the 
 Accidents of Almighty God may unto us hap- 
 pen to make a Rate togather Benevolence 
 for the better propagating such useful Instru- 
 ments."
 
 II. 
 By Advertisers and on Sign-boards. 
 
 Two young women want washing. 
 
 Teeth extracted with great pains. 
 
 Babies taken and finished in ten minutes by 
 a country photographer. 
 
 Wood and coal split. 
 
 Wanted, a female who has a knowledge of 
 fitting boots of a good moral character. 
 
 For sale, a handsome piano, the property 
 of a young lady who is leaving Scotland in a 
 walnut case with turned legs. 
 
 A large Spanish blue gentleman's cloak lost 
 in the neighborhood of the market.
 
 By Advertisers and on Sign-hoards, 21 
 
 To be sold, a splendid gray horse, calcu- 
 lated for a charger, or would carry a lady with 
 a switch tail. 
 
 Wanted, a young man to take charge of 
 horses of a religious turn of mind. 
 
 A lady advertises her desire for a husband 
 " with a Roman nose having strong religious 
 tendencies." 
 
 Wanted, a young man to look after a horse 
 of the Methodist persuasion. 
 
 A chemist inquires, " Will the gentleman 
 who left his stomach for analysis please call 
 and get it, together with the result?" 
 
 Wanted, an accomplished poodle nurse. 
 Wages, $5.00 a week. 
 
 In the far West a man advertises for a 
 woman **to wash, iron and milk one or two 
 cows."
 
 22 English as she is wrote. 
 
 Lost a cameo brooch representing Venus 
 and Adonis on the Drumcondra Road about 
 lo o'clock on Tuesday evening. 
 
 An advertiser, having made an advanta- 
 geous purchase, offers for sale, on very low 
 terms, " six dozen of prime port wine, late the 
 property of a gentleman forty years of age, 
 full of body, and with a high bouquet." 
 
 A steamboat-captain, in advertising for an 
 excursion, closes thus : " Tickets, 25 cents ; 
 children half price, to be had at the captain's 
 office." 
 
 Among carriages to be disposed of, men- 
 tion is made of '* a mail phaeton, the property 
 of a gentleman with a moveable head as good 
 as new." 
 
 An inducement to return property is offered 
 as follows : " If the gentleman who keeps the 
 shoe store with a red head will return the um-
 
 By Advertisers and on Sign-boards. 23 
 
 brella of a young lady with whalebone ribs 
 and an iron handle to the slate-roofed gro- 
 cer's shop, he will hear of something to his 
 advantage, as the same is a gift of a deceased 
 mother now no more with the name engraved 
 upon it." 
 
 An English matrimonial advertisement reads 
 as follows : " A young man about 25 years of 
 Age, in a very good trade, whose Father will 
 make him worth ;£"iooo, would willingly em- 
 brace a suitable Match. He has been brought 
 up a Dissenter with his Parents, and is a sober 
 man." 
 
 A landlady, innocent of grammatical knowl- 
 edge, advertises that she has *' a fine, airy, 
 well-furnished bedroom for a gentleman twelve 
 feet square"; another has ''a cheap and desir- 
 able suit of rooms for a respectable family in 
 good repair"; still another has *'a hall bed- 
 room for a single woman 8 X 12."
 
 24 English as she is v:rote, 
 
 A photographer's sign reads : " This style 
 3 pictures finished in fifteen minutes while you 
 wait for twenty-five cents beautifully colored." 
 
 A cheap restaurant displays this sign: 
 ** Oyster pies open all night," and '' Coffee and 
 cakes off the griddle." 
 
 A baker displays the sign, " Family Baking 
 Done Here." The sign would look more ap- 
 propriate if it were in front of some of our *• cool 
 and well-ventilated " summer-resort hotels. 
 
 The sign at Abraham Lowe's inn, Douglas, 
 Isle of Man, is accompanied by this quaint 
 verse : 
 
 " I'm Abraham Lowe, and half way up the hill, 
 If I were higher up wat's funnier still, 
 I should be Lowe. Come in and take your fill 
 Of porter, ale, wine, spirits what you will. 
 Step in, my friend, I pray no further go, 
 My prices, Hke myself, are always low."
 
 By Advertisers and on Sign-hoards, 25 
 
 On a vacant lot back of Covington, Ken- 
 tucky, is posted this sign : '' No plane base Boll 
 on these Primaces." 
 
 Notice in a Hoboken ferry-boat : " The seats 
 in this cabin are reserved for ladies. Gentle- 
 men are requested not to occupy them until 
 the ladies are seated." 
 
 A sign in a Pennsylvania town reads as 
 follows : '* John Smith, teacher of cowtillions 
 and other dances — grammar taut in the neatest 
 manner — fresh salt herrin on draft — likewise 
 Goodfreys cordjial — rutes sassage and other 
 garden truck — N. B. bawl on friday nite — 
 prayer meetin chuesday — also salme singing 
 by the quire." 
 
 The following notice appeared on the fence 
 of a vacant lot in Brooklyn : " All persons are 
 forbidden to throw ashes on this lot under 
 penalty of the law or any other garbage."
 
 26 English as she is iiorote, 
 
 A barber's sign in Buffalo, N. Y., has the 
 following : '' This is the place for physiognomi- 
 cal hair-cutting and ecstatic shaving and sham- 
 pooing." 
 
 A San Francisco boot-black, of poetic aspi- 
 rations, proclaims his superior skill in the fol- 
 lowing lines, pasted over the door of his estab- 
 lishment : 
 
 '' No day was e'er so bright, 
 So black was never a night, 
 As will your boots be, if you get 
 Them blacked right in here, you bet! " 
 
 The following appears on a Welsh shoe- 
 maker's sign-board: " Pryce Dyas Coblar, dealer 
 in Bacco Shag and Pig Tail Bacon and Ginar- 
 bread. Eggs laid by me, and very good Para- 
 dise in the summer. Gentlemen and Lady can 
 have good Tae and Crumpets and Straw berry 
 with a scim milk, because I can't get no cream. 
 N. B. Shuse and Boots mended very well."
 
 By Advertisers and on Sign-boards. 27 
 
 An Irish inn exhibits the following in large 
 type: 
 
 " Within this hive we're all alive, 
 With whiskey sweet as honey ; 
 If you are dry, step in and try. 
 But don't forget your money." 
 
 An inn near London displays a board with 
 the following inscription : 
 " 6^^//— Softly, 
 
 Driftk Moderately, 
 
 Pay Honourably, 
 
 Be good Company, 
 
 Part Friendly, 
 
 Go Home quietly. 
 Let those lines be no Man's sorrow. 
 Pay to Day and i'll TRUST tomorrow."
 
 III. 
 
 For Epitaphs. 
 
 A TERSE account of an untimely end is 
 given upon a stone in a Mexican church-yard : 
 " He was young, he was fair 
 But the Injuns raised his hair." 
 
 The following may be read upon the tomb- 
 stone of Lottie Merrill, the young huntress of 
 Wayne County, Pennsylvania : '' Lottie Merrill 
 lays hear she dident know wot it wuz to be 
 afeered but she has hed her last tussel with the 
 bars and theyve scooped her she was a good 
 girl and she is now in heaven. It took six big 
 bars to get away with her. She was only i8 
 years old."
 
 For Epitaphs. 29 
 
 Upon the tomb of a boy who died of eat- 
 ing too much fruit, this quaint epitaph con- 
 veys a moral : 
 
 " Currants have check'd the current of my blood, 
 And berries brought me to be buried here ; 
 Pears have /^rV off my body's hardihood, 
 And plums and plumbers spare not one so spare. 
 Fain would I feign my fall ; so fair a fare 
 Lessens not hate, yet 'tis a lessoyt good. 
 Gilt will not long hide guilt, such thin washed 
 
 ware 
 Wears quickly, and its rude touch soon is rued. 
 Grave on my grave some sentence grave and 
 
 terse. 
 That lies not as it lies upon my clay, 
 But in a gentle strain of U7tstrained verse, 
 Prays all to pity a poor patty's prey, 
 Rehearses I was fruitful to my hearse, 
 Tells that my days are told, and soon I'm toll'd 
 
 away." 
 3
 
 30 English as she is wrote. 
 
 In Glasgow Cathedral is an epitaph, which 
 is engraved on the lid of a very old sarcopha- 
 gus, discovered in the crypt : 
 
 ** Our Life's a flying Shadow, God's the Pole, 
 The Index pointing at him is our Soul, 
 Death's the Horizon, when our Sun is set. 
 Which will through Chryst a Resurrection 
 get- 
 In a grave-yard at Montrose, in Scotland, 
 this inscription may still be seen : 
 
 " Here lies the Body of 
 
 George Young 
 
 And of all his posterity for 
 
 fifty years backwards." 
 
 This brief announcement may be read ii 
 Wrexham church-yard, Wales : 
 
 " Here lies five babies and children dear 
 Three at Owestry and two here."
 
 For Epitaphs. 31 
 
 In a church-yard near London the follow- 
 ing may be deciphered : 
 
 " Killed by an omnibus why not ? 
 So quick a death a boon is 
 Let not his friends lament his lot 
 For mors omnibus communis." 
 
 There is an unqualified Hibemianism in the 
 following : 
 
 " Here lies the remains of 
 
 Thomas Melstrom who died 
 
 in Philadelphia March 17th 
 
 Had he lived he would have 
 
 been buried here." 
 
 A good deal of positive information is con- 
 veyed in this epitaph : 
 
 ** Here lies, cut down like unripe fruit 
 The wife of Deacon Amos Shute ; 
 She died of drinking too much coffee, 
 Anny dominy eighteen forty."
 
 32 English as she is wrote. 
 
 To the victim of an accident : 
 
 " Here lies the body of James Hambrick 
 which was accidentally shot in the Pacas River 
 by a young man with one of Colts large re- 
 volvers with no stopper for the hand for to 
 rest on. It was one of the old fashioned sort, 
 brass mounted and of such is the Kingdom of 
 Heaven." 
 
 William Curtis, who was famous for his 
 bad grammar, may have composed his own 
 epitaph : 
 
 ** Here lies William Curtis 
 Our late Lord Mayor 
 Who has left this world, 
 And gone to that there." 
 
 In a church-yard in London, evidently writ- 
 ten by a Cockney : 
 
 '' Here lies John Ross. 
 Kicked by a Hoss."
 
 For Epitaphs. 33 
 
 In Trinity church-yard, New York, this in- 
 scription may be read : 
 
 - Val. 
 
 Sidney Breese. 
 June 9 17—. 
 Made by himself. 
 Ha ! Sidney, Sidney 
 Liest thou here ? 
 I lye here 
 Till Times last Extremity." 
 
 Upon a stone, under the Grocers' Arms, is this 
 inscription, in memory of Garrard, a tea-dealer: 
 " Garret some called him 
 But that was too lye 
 His name is Garrard 
 
 Who now here doth lye 
 Weepe not for him 
 
 Since he is gone before 
 To heaven where Grocers 
 There are many more."
 
 34 English as she is wrote. 
 
 The value of phonetic spelling is set forth 
 in this terse memorial : 
 
 *' Here lies two brothers by misfortune sur- 
 rounded 
 One died of his wounds, the other was 
 drounded." 
 
 Resignation and an eye to the main chance 
 are combined in the following : 
 
 *' Beneath this stone, in hope of Zion 
 Doth lie the landlord of the Lion, 
 His son keeps in the business still 
 Resigned unto the heavenly Will." 
 
 In a church-yard in Wiltshire, England : 
 
 *' Beneath this stone lies our dear child 
 Whos' gone away from we 
 For evermore into eternity ; 
 When we do hope that we shall go to he 
 But him can never come back to we."
 
 For Epitaphs. 35 
 
 On Mrs. Sarah Newman : 
 
 " Pain was my portion 
 
 Physic was my food 
 Groans was my devotion 
 
 Drugs done me no good. 
 Christ was my physician 
 
 Knew what way was best 
 To ease me of my pain 
 
 He took my soul to rest.** 
 
 An inscription to four wives : 
 
 "To the memory of my four wives, who 
 all died within the space of ten years, but more 
 perteckler to the last Mrs. Sally Home who 
 has left me and four dear children, she was a 
 good, soder and clean soul and may i soon go 
 to her. 
 
 " Dear wives if you and i shall all go to heaven. 
 The Lord be blest for then we shall be even. 
 " William Joy Home, Carpenter."
 
 36 English as she is "uurote. 
 
 On a dyer : 
 
 " He died to live and lived to dye." 
 
 On Mrs. Lee and her son : 
 
 " In her life she did her best 
 Now I hope her soul's at rest. 
 Also her son Tom lies at her feet 
 He lived till he made both ends meet." 
 
 At Edinburgh : 
 
 " John Mc pherson 
 Was a wonderful person 
 He stood 6 ft 2 without his shoe 
 And he was slew. 
 At Waterloo." 
 
 One John Round was lost at sea, and in 
 the grave-yard of his native place a stone was 
 erected with the following couplet inscribed 
 thereon : 
 
 *' Under this bed lies John Round 
 Who was lost at sea and never found."
 
 For Epitaph 
 
 In an old church-yard in Ireland : 
 " Here lies John Highley whose father and 
 mother were drownded on their passage to 
 America. Had they lived they would have 
 been buried here." 
 
 In a church-yard in Ohio : 
 " Under this sod 
 
 And under these trees 
 Lieth the Bod 
 
 Y of Solomon Pease. 
 He's not in this hole 
 But only his pod. 
 He shelled out his soul 
 And went up to his God." 
 
 From a tombstone in Cornwall, England : 
 
 " Father and mother and I 
 Lie buried here asunder ; 
 Father and mother lie buried here, 
 And I lie buried yonder."
 
 38 English as she is wrote. 
 
 On Eliza Newman ; 
 
 " Like a tender Rose Tree was my Spouse to 
 
 me; 
 Her offspring Pluckt too long deprived of 
 
 life was she. 
 Three went before. Her Life went with the 
 
 Six 
 I stay with 3 Our sorrows for to mix 
 Till Christ our only hope, Our Joys doth 
 
 fix." 
 
 On a drummer, in an EngUsh church-yard : 
 
 ** Tom Clark was a drummer, who went to the 
 
 war, 
 And was killed by a bullet, and his soul sent 
 
 for; 
 There were no friends to mourn him, for his 
 
 virtues were rare, 
 He died like a man, and like a Christian 
 
 bear."
 
 For Epitaphs, 39 
 
 On a stone near Appomattox Court-house, 
 Virginia : 
 
 " Robert C Wright was born June 26th 1772 
 Died July 2. 181 5 by the blood thrusty hand of 
 John Sweeny Sr Who was massacred with the 
 Nife then a London Gun discharge a ball pene- 
 trate the Heart that give the immortal wound." 
 
 At Middletown, Connecticut, is the follow- 
 ing: 
 
 '' This lovely, pleasant child — 
 He was our only one, 
 Altho' we've buried three before — 
 Two daughters and a son." 
 
 The controlling power of rhyme is well 
 illustrated in the subjoined, from a tombstone 
 in Manchester : 
 
 " Here lies alas ! more's the pity, 
 All that remains of Nicholas Newcity. 
 " N. B. — His name was Newtown."
 
 40 English as she is wrote. 
 
 Another instance of how rhyming difficul- 
 ties may be overcome is as follows : 
 
 ** Here lies the remains of Thomas Woodhen, 
 The most amiable of husbands and excellent 
 of men, 
 
 " N. B. — His real name was Woodcock, but 
 it wouldn't come in rhyme. His Widow.'' 
 
 The subjoined contains a solemn warning : 
 
 " My wife has left me, she's gone up on 
 
 high, 
 She was thoughtful while dying, and said 
 
 * Tom, don't cry.' 
 She was a great beauty, so every one knows, 
 With Hebe like features and a fine Roman 
 
 nose; 
 She played the piany, and was learning a 
 
 ballad. 
 When she sickened and die-did from eating 
 
 veal salad."
 
 For Epitaphs. 41 
 
 Upon a tombstone in Pennsylvania : 
 
 " Battle of Shiloh. 
 April 6 1862 
 fohn D L was born March 26 1839 ^^ ^^e 
 :own of West Dresden State of New York 
 svhere the wicked cease from troubling and 
 :he weary are at rest." 
 
 A tombstone in Pittsfield, Massachusetts, 
 nas these lines : 
 
 ** When you my friends are passing by, 
 And this inform you where I lie, 
 Remember you ere long must have. 
 Like me, a mansion in the grave, 
 Also 3 infants, 2 sons and a daughter." 
 
 ^^
 
 IV. . 
 
 By Correspondents. 
 
 From a butcher at Berhampoor, India, to 
 a customer : 
 '' To his Highness — Kid Esquire 
 
 " The humble butcher, Nows Rouny, Rest- 
 pectfuUy sheweth that for your honor has sent 
 a good beef, i rump and pleased to take it and 
 pay day labor of bearer coolly. As your obedi- 
 ent butcher shall ever pray." 
 
 From a scholar in India to his master: 
 " My dear Sir : I humbly beg to inform 
 you pleas to give me leaf for one week be- 
 cause I cannot walk with my feet, I am very
 
 Bv Correspondents. 43 
 
 uncomfortable. Give my compliments to My 
 Master. I pray to God for Everlasting life. 
 I am your humble Servant Shebart Lall." 
 
 From an Indian school-boy : 
 *' Benevolent Sir : The wolf of sickness has 
 laid hold on the flock of my health." 
 
 From an Indian clerk : 
 
 " Sir. Being afflicted to the stomach and 
 vomiteng I am sorry I cannot attend to office 
 today." 
 
 From a Canadian lady to eligible gentleman : 
 ** Dear Mr. B. I, Mrs. Wigston wish you 
 would call on my daughter Amelia, She is 
 very amusing and is a regular young flirt. She 
 can sing like a hunny bee and her papa can 
 play on the fiddle nicely and we might have a 
 rare ho-down. Amelia is highely educated, she 
 can dance like a grasshoper looking for grub 
 and she can meke beautiful bread, it tastes just
 
 44 English as she is wrote, 
 
 like hunny bees' bread and for pumpkin pies 
 she can't be beat. In fact she's ahead of all F 
 girls and will make a good wife for any man. 
 " Yours truly 
 
 " Mrs. Wigston. 
 " Bring your brother." 
 
 From a school-boy to the elder Booth : 
 
 " West House School. Prospect N. Y. 
 " Dear Sur and Frend. 
 
 *' Heering that you was going to come to 
 Uttica to perform in a play called Hamlit I 
 would like to say that us boys is gitting up a 
 Exibition for the benefit of diseased soldiers 
 and their widows and orfans and would like to 
 engage you to do the leading part. I have 
 talked it up with the boys and we will do the 
 squire thing by you and I am arterised to make 
 you the following offer. We will come doun 
 after you with a good conveyance and will 
 give you at the rate of lo dollars a day and
 
 By Correspondents. 45 
 
 board and shall want you one week. If you 
 think it necessary you can have one or two of 
 our best women actors to come up with you 
 but we can't pay them over three dollars a day 
 and feed. You can have some fun at a hunting 
 deer and foxes around Flamburgs and Ed Wil- 
 kisun's. Pleas let me know as soon as you can. 
 " Yours truly James Sweet. 
 " If you come callating to hunt get Frank 
 Meyer's hound she is a good one." 
 
 We subjoin several letters received by a 
 New York publishing house : 
 
 '' La, Nov 18, 1 88-. 
 
 " Dear Sir. I have seated my self down to 
 pen you a few lines in reguards off your high 
 degrode Tex Books Sir I wish you would for- 
 ward to me in the next Mail a Cataloudge off 
 all of your Edgucational old and latest publish 
 books in Market I stand in need off a good set 
 of books and when I receive your Cataloudge
 
 46 English as she is wrote, 
 
 I will send on immeadily and get a Sclecticed 
 outfit of your books. By so doing you will 
 oblidge yours & Etc." 
 
 " dear Sr I saw A smawl list of yours em- 
 braces standard works in every department of 
 study and for every grade of classes from the 
 primary school to the university I desire to have 
 correspondence with you and as I taught school 
 for threw 3 seson in the ninth district of Fuen- 
 tress County tennessee and i quit eimet with 
 Cooper and our country need instruction and 
 except we get the implement for instruction we 
 may all ways espect ignorant, turn over. Mr 
 I want you to send educational list of your 
 standard works and also A copy Book that I 
 may instruct my studentes more correctly and 
 I profer to take Agents if hit is not contrary to 
 law if your work can sold with out paing tax 
 or lison 
 
 "■ and A blige youres truley Joel E Atkin-
 
 By Correspondents, 47 
 
 son school teacher 9 deistrict Fuentress co 
 Logan Finch Chareles Atkinson J Hall e 
 school directers in my distreetes." 
 
 *' Dear Sir I want you to send me a catalogue 
 the Emblem book and tell me what it will cost 
 I think I can Sell as Many as Fifteen be sure 
 and give the Price that is what they want to 
 know Dear Sir I Received your Copy Oct 9th 
 1 88 1 if you charge Any thing for composeing 
 them letters write to me and I will pay will 
 Send it by Mail in one cent stamps you need 
 not to think I want to swinle you out of one 
 cent I will do Every thing I say I will do So 
 if you will write and give the Price of the 
 Emblem and the love writer and chart and key 
 of the Spenserion cystem and they like I will 
 get up a subscription and send the Money for 
 them immediately Dear Sir tell me what is the 
 Emblem of a red rose and white rose of a 
 boca."
 
 48 English as she is wrote, 
 
 "Dear Sir: 
 
 " Wilt please send me a description of your 
 outfit of Books and give me one or two iedies 
 abought the catalogue price of your English, 
 Latin Greek brench and stanish Italian He- 
 brew and Siyuriak books to my address. I has 
 issued out orders bot comisition &c — my trus- 
 tee tell me that only two D V z and in New 
 York at the time it Feby. the 15 my No of 
 books is twenty five and I desire one complet 
 Example of your best books if you can Conven- 
 'y furnish my needs wright at once I will be 
 more an obliged to you. Looking by every 
 mail for your returns Soon, so please your truly 
 servant 
 
 ** I am dear Sir : 
 
 " My name in Full 
 
 « * * 4t * '» 
 
 " Dear Sir : 
 
 *' Understanding that You possess some In- 
 
 flunce among the Bord of Directors of your
 
 By Correspondents, 49 
 
 fine books and for useful learning for Schools 
 I beg to Solicit your interest for Me I want to 
 Purchase Some Usful Books and Messrs please 
 send me one of your Cataloges you well ob- 
 ligde me Much in so doing. & Far my Friends 
 I Will tell You I have a great many of Reli- 
 tives who would wish to Purchase some book 
 if could be bought from you below Price My 
 Frend you must excuse ray Hasty note for the 
 Small time Was at Hand and all so my Frend 
 you must excuse my Led Pensel. Wright my 
 soon Frend I will close and will shew ycu that 
 you will be remembered by Sirs Your Obedient 
 & Fathful Servants ." 
 
 " Sir : I now write to you to ask you infor- 
 mation on book lines Sir. i have seen some of 
 your books and the suited me very much on 
 Edjucational and Sir i did suspect to start To 
 Teach School in the Same Ward And i Wanted 
 to get a fenel Resortment of of Books and i
 
 50 English as she is wrote. 
 
 Wanted To get My books from you and i 
 Wanted Like to know how you Would Reply 
 me them And i hope when you Riseived this 
 Letter that you Would Write Wright away 
 At once And give me the full Address how to 
 send for These Books And i Want to Know 
 Wethe I give you the Wright Address Sir 
 your Friend Would like To Read A Let- 
 ter from under your Hand And i Want you 
 To please To give me your Address of All 
 kines of Books that yu have i Exspect to start 
 School soon & i had much Applications By 
 pupils that Lives A. Rounds in the Sections 
 Where i Lives ses ef i gets the Books they 
 Would Buy them from me i hope that you 
 Would Wright As Soon as Posable And Let 
 me know so that i Can Write Again And please 
 To Send me some of your paper so that i Can 
 Read them to the people so Them Can BeHeve 
 that i did wrote here When you Write please 
 To Direct your Letter to so i hope you
 
 By Correspondents. 51 
 
 Will Write Soon And please fail not To Send 
 me some of your Papers And Direct me how To 
 Get Money to you When i Send for Books fail 
 
 not To Direct your Letter to Post-office. 
 
 So i have no more to Write i Will Close & Re- 
 main *^ Your Truly Friend." 
 
 " M Ala. 
 
 "Oct 13th 1 88 1. Dear Sir Dear Friend 
 you will please Send me one line of capitals 
 letters one line of the small letters and Show 
 me the space how far up and how far down 
 and write & tell me what the chart and frey 
 with cost, the chart of the Standard System 
 is the one I want, there is Eight men I have 
 shewn your copy you sent to me they say they 
 intend to have one chart a piece Dear Sir I 
 have been talking with Several young Men 
 about love writers I want you to compose 
 three letters consisting of love and poetry 
 write one as though you loved her and want
 
 52 English as she is wrote. 
 
 to marry her. one as though she had Slighted 
 you. the Next one as you think best Compose 
 them and Send them to me and I will shew 
 them to the Boys I am satisfied they will be 
 sure to by." 
 
 Letter to an editor : 
 " Dear Sir—: 
 
 *' The hystoric apple that tossed about and 
 struck Sir Isaac Newton landed finally, in re- 
 vealing its inner nature its hidden meaning, 
 not only as a consolation but also of universal 
 utility in all scientific branges : 
 
 *' Or out of the simbols of the ancient World, 
 up to the real discoveries of the present time 
 proceeded the solution of the relation of the 
 Eternal time, motion, and distance. Which set 
 forte the discovery of the generational cosmo- 
 logical Parents of this planet, are discovered 
 that these can be seen by all mankind. 
 
 ^' Resp."
 
 By Correspondents. 53 
 
 Letter received by a cotton-broker : 
 
 " Flat Town Dec. 30th 
 ** Messrs. 
 
 -J w &Co 
 
 " Sir. Gentlemen. 
 ** The shipments from this out the balance 
 of the season will be for more on the count, 
 last year was a short crop and two weeks erly 
 than this season and people sold rite strate a 
 long here last season and the biggest and best 
 farmers this season are holding looking forward 
 to Biger prices I have gathered 80 bales and 
 15 or 16 more in the field yet to pick so you 
 see when I make my estimate in this county 
 they are a power of cotton on the fields yet to 
 pick and a grate eel in houses not gined up yet, 
 gust act as if those deals were your own shood 
 you close them out gust credit my account 
 with the profitts but dont close them out until 
 you think it has tuch bottom then I want you
 
 54 English as she is wrote, 
 
 to by me the same amount but don't by till you 
 think it the rite time and then shood you see 
 a proffit in it Turn it loose without ever con- 
 sulting me if it clears up cold we will have 
 Kilan frost but it can't hurt here for the crop 
 
 is made. 
 
 " I remain yours very truly." 
 
 Another letter to a cotton-broker : 
 
 " Messrs. W W & Co. 
 
 " Sir Gents 
 
 " I have gust got in form the West and find 
 your letter stating that corn had touched bot- 
 tom which I do think myself it has, but it has 
 avanced so much now I don't noe that it wood 
 pay me much either way now. had I bin at 
 home I shood of closed out and of Bout the 
 same amount was my Idee, we are from ten 
 days to fully two weeks backwards with our 
 crops owing to our wet weather but that donte 
 say they won't be as much made as was last
 
 By Correspondents. 55 
 
 year while we are backward there are more 
 fertilizers ycmsed than ware last year and more 
 Acreage our country is in a better condision 
 to make a crop and I expect the west ginerally 
 that way at the same time I am only one neigh- 
 bourhood, pleas let me hear from you more 
 fully on the matter hoping to hear from you 
 soon I remain 
 
 "yours verry truly 
 " I will act according to your council." 
 
 A Georgia merchant received a short time 
 since the following order from a customer : 
 
 " Mr. B , please send me $1 worth of coffy 
 
 and $1 worth of shoogar, some small nales. 
 My wife had a baby last nite, also two pad- 
 locks and a monkey rench."
 
 By the Effusive. 
 
 Professor Huxley is credited with the 
 assertion that the primrose is "a corolHfloral 
 dicotyledonous exogen, with a monopetalous 
 corolla and a central placenta." 
 
 A reporter with a large imagination, writing 
 about the decoration of a church at a fashion- 
 able wedding in this city, said that " the church 
 was ensconced in flowers." 
 
 A scientific writer defines sneezing as **a 
 phenomenon provoked either by an excitation 
 brought to bear on the nasal membrane or by
 
 By the Effusive, 57 
 
 a sudden shock of the sun's rays on the mem- 
 branes of the eye. This peripheral irritation 
 is transmitted by the trifacial nerve to the Gas- 
 serian ganglion, whence it passes by a com- 
 missure to an agglomeration of globules in the 
 medulla oblongata or in the protuberance ; 
 from this point, by a series of numerous reflex 
 and complicated acts, it is transformed by the 
 mediation of the spinal cord into a centrifugal 
 excitation which radiates outward by means 
 of the spinal nerves to the expiratory muscles." 
 
 The school committee in Massachusetts rec- 
 ommend exercises in English composition in 
 these terms : 
 
 '' Next to the pleasure that pervades the 
 corridors of the soul when it is entranced by 
 the whiling witchery that presides over it con- 
 sequent upon the almost divine productions 
 of Mozart, Haydn, and Handel, whether these 
 are executed by magician concert parts in
 
 58 English as she is 'wrote. 
 
 deep and highly matured melody from artistic 
 modulated intonations of the finely cultured 
 human voice, or played by some fairy-fingered 
 musician upon the trembling strings of the harp 
 or piano, comes the charming delight we ex- 
 perience from the mastery of English prose, 
 and the spell-binding wizards of song who by 
 their art of divination through their magic 
 wand, the pen, have transformed scenes hither- 
 to unknown and made them as immortal as 
 those spots of the Orient and mountain haunts 
 of the gods, whether of sunny Italy or of tune- 
 ful, heroic Greece." 
 
 A farmer's daughter expresses herself in the 
 following terms : 
 
 " Dear Miss : 
 
 '' The energy of the race prompts me to 
 assure you that my request is forbidden, the 
 idea of which I awkwardly nourished, notwith- 
 standing my propensity to reserve. Mr. T
 
 By the Effusive, 59 
 
 will be there — Let me with confidence assure 
 you that him and brothers will be very happy 
 to meet you and brothers. Us girls cannot go, 
 for reasons. The attention of cows claims our 
 assistance this evening. 
 
 ** Unalterably yours." 
 
 The following is probably the longest sen- 
 tence ever written, containing, as it does, eight 
 hundred words : 
 
 *' I propose, then, to give your readers some 
 description of this old yet still strange and wild 
 country, that has been settled for three hundred 
 years, and is not yet inhabited — a land of shift- 
 ing sand and deep mud — a land of noble rivers 
 that rise in swamps and consist merely of chains 
 of shallow lakes, some of them twenty miles 
 long and two miles across, and only twelve 
 feet deep — of wide, sandy plains, covered with 
 solemn-sounding pines — of spots so barren that 
 nothing can be made to grow upon them, and
 
 6o English as she is wrote. 
 
 yet with a soil so fertile that if you tickle it with 
 a hoe, it will laugh out an abundant harvest of 
 sugar, cotton, and fruit — a land of oranges, 
 lemons, pomegranates, pineapples, figs, and 
 bananas ; whose rivers teem with fish, its for- 
 ests with game, and its very air with fowl; 
 where everything will grow except apples and 
 wheat ; where everything can be found except 
 ice ; yet where the people, with a productive 
 soil, a mild climate and beautiful nature, afford- 
 ing every table luxury, live on corn-grist, sweet 
 potatoes, and molasses ; where men possessing 
 forty thousand head of cattle never saw a glass 
 of milk in their lives, using the imported article 
 when used at all, and then calling it consecrated 
 milk ; where the very effort to milk a cow 
 would probably scare her to death, as well as 
 frighten a whole neighborhood by the unheard 
 of phenomenon ; where cabbages grow on the 
 tops of trees, and you may dig bread out of 
 the ground ; where, below the frost-line, the
 
 By the Effusive. 6i 
 
 castor-oil plant becomes a large tree of several 
 years' growth, and a pumpkin or bean-vine will 
 take root from its trailing branches, and thus 
 spread and live year after year; where cattle 
 do not know what hay is, and refuse it when 
 offered, so that the purchase of a yoke of oxen 
 is not considered valid if the animals will not 
 eat in a stable ; and where in the mild winter, 
 when the land grass is dried up, horses and 
 cattle may be seen wading and swimming in 
 the ponds and streams, plunging their heads 
 under water grasses and moss ; where many 
 lakes have holes in the bottom and under- 
 ground communication, so that they will some- 
 times shrink away to a mere cupful, leaving 
 many square miles of surface uncovered, and 
 then again fill up from below and spread out 
 over their former area; where some of them 
 have outlets in the ocean far from shore, burst- 
 ing up a perpetual spring of fresh water in the 
 very midst of the briny saltness of the sea; 
 
 5
 
 62 English as she is wrote, 
 
 where in times of low water, during a long 
 exhaustive dry season, men have gone under 
 ground in one of these subterranean rivers, 
 from lake to lake, a distance of eight miles; 
 where the ground will sometimes sink and the 
 cavity fill with water, until tall trees, that had 
 stood and sunk upright, will have their top- 
 most branches deeply covered ; where rivers 
 will disappear in the earth and rise again, thus 
 forming natural bridges, some of them a mile 
 in breadth ; where, instead of spring, summer, 
 autumn, and winter, there are two seasons only 
 — eight months summer, and four months warm 
 weather ; where the winter is the dry season, 
 and the summer almost a daily rain ; where, in 
 order to take a walk, you first wade through a 
 light sand ankle deep and then get into a mud- 
 puddle, and some of these mud-puddles cover 
 a whole county ; where no clay is found fit for 
 brick-making, and people build houses without 
 chimneys ; where to make a living is so easy a
 
 By the Effusive, 63 
 
 task, that every one possesses the laziness of 
 ten ordinary men, every one you wish to em- 
 ploy in labor says he is tired and would seem 
 to have been born so ; where ague would pre- 
 vail if the people would take the trouble to 
 shake ; where a large orange-tree will bear 
 several thousand oranges — leaves, buds, blos- 
 som, half-grown and full-grown fruit, all at 
 once — and every twenty-five feet square of 
 sand will sustain such a tree ; where, in many 
 parts, cold weather is an impossibility, and 
 perpetual verdure reigns ; where the Ever- 
 glades are found, covering many large coun- 
 ties with water from one to six feet deep, with 
 a bottom, mud covered, yet underneath solid 
 and firm, from which grasses grow up to the 
 surface — a sea of green, and with islands large 
 and small scattered over the surface, covered 
 with live oaks and dense vegetation ; where 
 alligators, or gators as they are called in Florida 
 parlance, possess undoubted aboriginal rights
 
 64 English as she is wrote. 
 
 of citizenship, and mosquitoes pay constant 
 visits and are instructive and even penetrating 
 in their attention to strangers." 
 
 An Irish paper contained this account of 
 Mrs. Siddons's appearance : 
 
 *' On Sunday, Mrs. Siddons, about whom 
 all the world has been talking, exposed her 
 beautiful, adamantine, soft, and lovely person, 
 for the first time at Smock Alley Theatre in 
 the bewitching, melting, and all tearful char- 
 acter of Isabella. From the repeated panegyr- 
 ics of the impartial London newspapers, we 
 were taught to expect the sight of a heavenly 
 angel, but how w^ere we supernaturally sur- 
 prised into almost awful joy at beholding a 
 mortal goddess ! The house was crowded with 
 hundreds more than it could hold, with thou- 
 sands of admiring spectators who went away 
 without a sight. This extraordinary pheno- 
 menon of tragic excellence! this star of Mel-
 
 By the Effusive, 65 
 
 pomene ! this comet of the stage ! this sun of 
 the firmament of the Muses ! this moon of blank 
 verse! this queen and princess of tears! this 
 Donellan of the poisoned dagger ! this empress 
 of pistol and dagger ! this chaos of Shake- 
 speare ! this world of weeping clouds ! this 
 Juno commanding aspects ! this Terpsichore of 
 the curtains and scenes ! this Proserpine of fire 
 and excitement ! this Katterfelto of wonders ! 
 exceeded expectation, went beyond belief and 
 soared above all the natural powers of descrip- 
 tion ! She was nature itself ! She was the 
 most exquisite work of art ! She was the very 
 daisy, primrose, tuberose, sweet brier, furze 
 blossom, gilliflower, wall flower, cauliflower, 
 auricula, and rosemary ! In short, she was the 
 bouquet of Parnassus ! When expectations 
 were so high, it was thought she would be 
 injured by her appearance, but it was the au- 
 dience who were injured : several fainted be- 
 fore the curtain drew up ! When she came to
 
 66- English as she is wrote, 
 
 the scene of parting with her wedding ring, 
 ah ! what a sight was there ! the very fiddlers 
 in the orchestra, albeit unused to melting mood, 
 blubbered like hungry children crying for their 
 bread and butter ! and when the bell rang for 
 music between the acts the tears ran from the 
 bassoon players' eyes in such plentiful showers 
 that they choked the finger stops, and making 
 a spout of the instrument poured in such tor- 
 rents on the first fiddler's book that not seeing 
 the overture was in two sharps, the leader of 
 the band played it in one flat. But the sobs 
 and sighs of the groaning audience and the 
 noise of corks drawn from smelling bottles 
 prevented the mistakes between sharps and 
 fiats being heard. One hundred and nine ladies 
 fainted ! forty-six went into fits ! and ninety-five 
 had strong hysterics. The world will scarcely 
 credit the truth when they are told that four- 
 teen children, five old men, one hundred tailors, 
 and six common councilmen were actually
 
 By the Effusive, 67 
 
 drowned in the inundation of tears that flowed 
 from the galleries, the slips, and the boxes, to 
 increase the briny pond in the pit. The water 
 was three feet deep. An Act of Parliament 
 will certainly be passed against her playing 
 any more ! '* 
 
 Few poems have been more generally ad- 
 mired or paraphrased in the various tongues of 
 earth than that commencing with the lines — 
 
 ** Mary had a little lamb, 
 
 Its fleece was white as snow, 
 And everywhere that Mary went 
 This lamb was sure to go." 
 
 The story is current at the national capital 
 that Mr. Evarts, when Secretary of State, on 
 one occasion, in a jocular crowd of his friends, 
 was desired to condense into prose these im- 
 mortal verses. Urgently solicited, Mr. Evarts 
 yielded, and wrote as follows :
 
 68 English as she is -wrote. 
 
 " Mary, a female, judged to be of the race 
 of man, whose family name is unknown, wheth- 
 er of native or foreign birth, of lofty or lowly 
 lineage, and whose appearance, manners, and 
 mental cultivation are involved in the most 
 profound mystery, which probably will never 
 be fully ascertained unless through the most 
 profound researches of an historian admirably 
 trained in his profession, who shall devote the 
 ablest efforts of his life to the investigation of 
 the subject, uninfluenced by either passion or 
 prejudice, and having only in view the sacred 
 truth, at the same time being utterly regard- 
 less of the plaudits or censures of the world, 
 we are informed by one who, it has been stated, 
 at one time while living in that part of the 
 United States of America known as Massa- 
 chusetts, whose fishermen have frequently been 
 involved in difficulties with the authorities of 
 her Majesty Queen Victoria, Queen of Great 
 Britain and Empress of the Indies, whose do-
 
 By the Effvsive, 69 
 
 mains extended over a large share of the hab- 
 itable globe, thereby endangering the peace 
 which should so happily exist between nations 
 of the same blood and language, had an infant 
 sheep, of which there are many millions of 
 various stocks and qualities now in our coun- 
 try, constantly adding wealth and prosperity 
 to our republic, and enabling us to be entirely 
 independent of all other nations for our supply 
 of wool, now ample for the use of factories 
 already busily employed, and for those which 
 ere long will be constructed in all parts of our 
 land, working both by water and steam power, 
 and in whatever direction the said Mary trav- 
 eled, this animal, whose fleece was snow-white, 
 even as the lofty mountain-regions in the silent 
 solitudes of eternal winter, as the ethereal 
 vapors which oft float over an autumnal sky, 
 * darkly, deeply, beautifully blue,' or as the 
 lacteal fluid covered with masses of delicate 
 froth, found in the buckets of the rosy dairy-
 
 yo English as she is wrote, 
 
 maid, whether meandering through the mead- 
 ows in midsummer, gathering the luscious 
 strawberry, strolling in the woodland paths in 
 search of wild flowers, visiting the church with 
 her uncles, cousins, and aunts, to listen to the 
 inspired words which come from the lips of 
 the minister of the sanctuary, or when retiring 
 to her blissful couch to seek rest and enjoy 
 sweet repose after the cares and labors of the 
 day ; in fact, * everywhere that Mary went ' 
 this youthful sheep, influenced doubtless by 
 that affection which is oft so conspicuously 
 manifested by the lower animals in their asso- 
 ciation with human beings, was ever observed 
 to accompany her."
 
 VI. 
 
 How she can be Oddly Wrote. 
 
 The following amusing- rhyme clipped from 
 an old paper shows to advantage some of the 
 peculiarities of the English language : 
 
 SALLY SALTER. 
 
 Sally Salter, she was a young teacher, that 
 
 taught, 
 And her friend Charley Church was a preacher, 
 
 who praught ; 
 Though his friends all declared him a screecher, 
 
 who scraught. 
 
 His heart, when he saw her, kept sinking, and 
 
 sunk.
 
 72 English as she is wrote. 
 
 And his eyes, meeting hers, kept winking, and 
 
 wunk; 
 While she, in her turn, fell to thinking, and 
 
 thunk. 
 
 He hastened to woo her, and sweetly he wooed. 
 For his love for her grew — to a mountain it 
 
 grewed, 
 And what he was longing to do, then he doed. 
 
 In secret he wanted to speak, and he spoke : 
 To seek with his lips what his heart had long 
 
 soke; 
 So he managed to let the truth leak, and it 
 
 loke. 
 
 He asked her to ride to the church and they 
 
 rode; 
 They so sweetly did glide, that they both 
 
 thought they glode. 
 And they came to the place to be tied, and 
 
 were tode.
 
 How she can be oddly wrote, 73 
 
 Then *' Homeward," he said, '' let us drive," 
 and they drove. 
 
 As soon as they wished to arrive they arrove ; 
 
 For whatever he couldn't contrive she con- 
 trove. 
 
 The kiss he was dying to steal, then he stole, 
 At the feet where he wanted to kneel, there he 
 
 knole, 
 And he said, '' I feel better than ever I fole." 
 
 So they to each other kept clinging, and clung. 
 While Time his swift circuit was winging, and 
 
 wung ; 
 And this was the thing he was bringing, and 
 
 brung : 
 
 The man Sally wanted to catch, and had caught — 
 That she wanted from others to snatch, and 
 
 had snaught, 
 Was the one that she now liked to scratch, and 
 
 she scraught.
 
 74 English as she is icrote. 
 
 And Charley's warm love began freezing and 
 
 froze, 
 While he took to teasing, and cruelly tose 
 The girl he had wished to be squeezing and 
 
 squoze. 
 
 ** Wretch ! " he cried, when she threatened to 
 
 leave him, and left, 
 "How could you deceive me, as you have 
 
 deceft?" 
 And she answered, *' I promised to cleave, and 
 
 Fve cleft!" 
 
 Plodding Changes. — Some of our plod- 
 ding readers may like to peruse the following 
 curious variations of the well-known line from 
 Gray's *' Elegy," '' The ploughman homeward 
 plods his weary way " : 
 
 The weary ploughman homeward plods his 
 
 way. 
 The weary ploughman plods his homeward way.
 
 How she can he oddly wrote, 75 
 
 The homeward ploughman plods his weary way. 
 The homeward ploughman, weary, plods his 
 
 way. 
 The homeward, weary, ploughman plods his 
 
 way. 
 The weary, homeward ploughman plods his 
 
 way. 
 Homeward the weary ploughman plods his 
 
 way. 
 Homeward, weary, the ploughman plods his 
 
 way. 
 Homeward the ploughman plods his weary 
 
 way. 
 Homeward the ploughman, weary, plods his 
 
 way. 
 Weary, the homeward ploughman plods his 
 
 way. 
 Weary, homeward the ploughman plods his 
 
 way. 
 Weary, the ploughman plods his homeward 
 
 way.
 
 76 English as she is wrote. 
 
 The ploughman plods his homeward, weary 
 
 way. 
 The ploughman plods his weary homeward way. 
 The ploughman homeward, weary, plods his 
 
 way. 
 The ploughman, weary, homeward plods his 
 
 way. 
 The ploughman, weary, plods his homeward 
 
 way. 
 
 " My Madeline ! My Madeline ! 
 Mark my melodious midnight moans ; 
 Much may my melting music mean, 
 My modulated monotones. 
 
 " My mandolin's mild minstrelsy. 
 My mental music magazine. 
 My mouth, my mind, my memory. 
 Must mingling murmur, ' Madeline.* 
 
 " Muster 'mid midnight masquerades, 
 Mark Moorish maidens', matrons' mien,
 
 How she can he oddly wrote, jy 
 
 'Mongst Murcia's most majestic maids, 
 Match me my matchless Madeline. 
 
 " Mankind's malevolence may make 
 Much melancholy music mine ; 
 Many my motives may mistake, 
 My modest merits much malign. 
 
 '* My Madeline's most mirthful mood 
 Much mollifies my mind's machine ; 
 My mournfulness' magnitude 
 Melts — makes me merry, MadeHne ! 
 
 ** Match-making mas may machinate, 
 Manoeuvring misses me misween ; 
 Mere money may make many mate, 
 My magic motto's — ' Madeline ! * 
 
 " Melt, most mellifluous melody, 
 'Midst Murcia's misty mounts marine, 
 Meet me by moonlight — marry me, 
 Madonna mia I — Madeline." 
 
 6
 
 78 English as she is wrote. 
 
 It is well known that the letter e is used 
 more than any other letter in the English al- 
 phabet. Each of the following verses con- 
 tains every letter of the alphabet except the 
 letter e : 
 
 ** A jovial swain should not complain 
 Of any buxom fair 
 Who mocks his pain and thinks it gain 
 To quiz his awkward air. 
 
 " Quixotic boys who look for joys, 
 Quixotic hazards run ; 
 A lass annoys with trivial toys, 
 Opposing man for fun. 
 
 " A jovial swain may rack his brain. 
 And tax his fancy's might ; 
 To quiz is vain, for 'tis most plain 
 That what I say is right." 
 
 Northampton {England) Courier,
 
 How she can he oddly wrote, 79 
 
 Here is the result of a rhyming punster's 
 efforts : 
 
 "A pretty deer is dear to me, 
 A hare with downy hair, 
 A hart I love with all my heart, 
 But barely bear a bear. 
 
 " 'Tis plain that no one takes a plane 
 To pare a pair of pears, 
 Although a rake may take a rake 
 To tear away the tares. 
 
 " Sol's rays raise thyme, time raises all, 
 And through the whole holes wears. 
 A scribe in writing right may write 
 
 To write and still be wrong ; 
 For write and rite are neither right, 
 And don't to right belong. 
 
 *' Robertson is not Robert's son, 
 Nor did he rob Burt's son, 
 Yet Robert's sun is Robin's sun, 
 And everybody's sun.
 
 8o English as she is wrote, 
 
 *' Beer often brings a bier to man, 
 Coughing a coffin brings, 
 And too much ale will make us ail, 
 As well as other things. 
 
 " The person lies who says he lies 
 When he is not reclining ; 
 And when consumptive folks decline, 
 They all decline declining. 
 
 " Quails do not quail before a storm. 
 A bow will bow before it ; 
 We cannot rein the rain at all, 
 No earthly power reigns o'er it. 
 
 " The dyer dyes awhile, then dies — 
 To dye he's always trying ; 
 Until upon his dying bed 
 
 He thinks no more of dyeing. 
 
 " A son of Mars mars many a son, 
 All Deys must have their days ;
 
 How she can he oddly wrote, 8i 
 
 And every knight should pray each night 
 To him who weighs his ways. 
 
 ** 'Tis meet that man should mete out meat 
 To feed one's fortune's sun ; 
 The fair should fare on love alone, 
 Else one cannot be won. 
 
 '* Alas, a lass is sometimes false ; 
 Of faults a maid is made ; 
 Her waist is but a barren waste — 
 Though stayed she is not staid. 
 
 **The springs shoot forth each spring and 
 shoots 
 Shoot forward one and all ; 
 Though summer kills the flowers, it leaves 
 The leaves to fall in fall. 
 
 " I would a story here commence, 
 But you might think it stale ; 
 So we'll suppose that we have reached 
 The tail end of our tale."
 
 82 English as she is wrote. 
 
 And here is a zoological romance, by C. F. 
 Adams, inspired by an unusual flow of animal 
 spirits : 
 
 No sweeter girl ewe ever gnu 
 Than Betty Martin's daughter Sue. 
 
 With sable hare, small tapir waist. 
 And lips you'd gopher miles to taste ; 
 
 Bright, lambent eyes, like the gazelle. 
 Sheep pertly brought to bear so well ; 
 
 Ape pretty lass it was avowed, 
 Of whom her marmot to be proud. 
 
 Deer girl ! I loved her as my life, 
 And vowed to heifer for my wife. 
 
 Alas ! A sailor on the sly. 
 Had cast on her his wether eye. 
 
 He said my love for her was bosh, 
 And my affection I musquash.
 
 Hozv she can he oddly 'wrote, 83 
 
 He'd dog her footsteps everywhere, 
 Anteater in the easy-chair ; 
 
 He'd setter round, this sailor chap, 
 And pointer out upon the map 
 
 Where once a pirate cruiser boar 
 Him captive to a foreign shore. 
 
 The cruel captain far outdid 
 
 The yaks and crimes of Robert Kid. 
 
 He oft would whale Jack with the cat, 
 And say, " My buck, doe you like that? 
 
 *' What makes you stag around so, say ? 
 The catamounts to something, hey ? " 
 
 Then he would seal it with an oath, 
 And say : " You are a lazy sloth ! 
 
 ** I'll starve you down, my sailor fine. 
 Until for beef and porcupine ! "
 
 84 English as she is wrote. 
 
 And, fairly horse with fiendish laughter, 
 Would say, '' Henceforth, mind what giraffe 
 ter!" 
 
 In short, the many risks he ran 
 Might well a llama braver man ; 
 
 Then he was wrecked and castor shore 
 While feebly clinging to anoa ; 
 
 Hyena cleft among the rocks 
 
 He crept, saiis shoes and minus ox. 
 
 And when he fain would go to bed, 
 He had to lion leaves instead. 
 
 Then Sue would say, with troubled face, 
 ** How koodoo live in such a place ? " 
 
 And straightway into tears would melt, 
 And say, " How badger must have felt ! " 
 
 While he, the brute, woodchuck her chin, 
 And say, '' Aye-aye, my lass ! " and grin.
 
 How she can be oddly wrote, 85 
 
 Excuse these steers. . . . It's over now ; 
 There's naught like grief the hart can cow. 
 
 Jackass'd her to be his, and she — 
 She gave Jackal, and jilted me. 
 
 And now, alas ! the little minks 
 
 Is bound to him with Hymen's lynx. 
 
 — Detroit Free Press, 
 
 While upon the subject of puns, we might 
 quote the following, clipped from the ** Graph- 
 ic": 
 
 " On being consulted about it Spikes says 
 that Uncle Sam aunticipates the transfer of the 
 Indian Bureau to some mother department, 
 and if this should father improve the condition 
 of the children of the forest, in sondry ways, 
 by cousin them to be more comfortable, it 
 would be a niece arrangement and daughter
 
 86 English as she is wrote, 
 
 be made." We are inclined, in nephew in- 
 stances, to agree with the gramma, but not 
 the spelling. 
 
 The *' Graphic " is also responsible for the 
 following English stanza transformed into Rus- 
 sian, said to have been found in a room after 
 it had been vacated by Alexis while in this 
 country. It is introduced as an example of 
 how " she can be oddly wrote " : 
 
 " Owata jollitimiv ad 
 Sinci tooklevov mioldad ! 
 Owata merricoviv bin — 
 Ivespenta nawful pilovtin ! 
 Damsorri tolevami now, 
 But landigoshenjingo vow, 
 Thetur kishwar mustavastop 
 Gotele graphitoff topop." 
 
 The following clever paraphrase of the old 
 rhythmic story of "Jack's House" is a good
 
 Hozv she can he oddly wrote. 87 
 
 illustration of the scope and flexibility of our 
 language, and suggests the fact that tautologi- 
 cal errors of writing need seldom be com- 
 mitted. 
 
 Behold the mansion reared by daedal Jack. 
 
 See the malt stored in many a plethoric sack, 
 In the proud cirque of Ivan's bivouac. 
 
 Mark how the Rat's felonious fangs invade 
 The golden stores in John's pavilion laid. 
 
 Anon, with velvet foot and Tarquin strides, 
 Subtle Grimalkin to his quarry glides — 
 Grimalkin grim, that slew the fierce rodent 
 Whose tooth insidious Johann's sackcloth rent, 
 
 Lo ! now the deep-mouthed canine foe's as- 
 sault, 
 That vexed the avenger of the stolen malt. 
 Stored in the hallowed precincts of that hall 
 That rose complete at Jack's creative call.
 
 88 English as she is v:rote. 
 
 Here stalks the impetuous Cow with crumpled 
 
 horn, 
 Whereon the exacerbating hound was torn, 
 Who bayed the feline slaughter-beast that slew 
 The Rat predaceous, whose keen fangs ran 
 
 through 
 The textile fibers that involved the grain 
 That lay in Hans' inviolate domain. 
 
 Here walks forlorn the Damsel, crowned with 
 
 rue. 
 Lactiferous spoils from vaccine dugs, who drew 
 Of that corniculate beast whose tortuous horn 
 Tossed to the clouds, in fierce vindictive scorn, 
 The harrowing hound, whose braggart bark 
 
 and stir 
 Arched the lithe spine and reared the indig- 
 nant fur 
 Of Puss, that with verminicidal claw 
 Struck the weird Rat, in whose insatiate maw 
 Lay reeking malt, that erst in I van's courts we saw
 
 Hozc she can he oddly wrote, 89 
 
 Robed in senescent garb that seems in sooth 
 Too long a prey to Chronos' iron tooth. 
 
 Behold the man whose amorous lips incline, 
 Full with young Eros' osculative sign, 
 To the lorn maiden whose lact-albic hands. 
 Drew albu-lactic wealth from lacteal glands 
 Of that immortal bovine, by whose horn 
 Distort, to realm ethereal was borne 
 The beast catulean, vexer of that sly 
 Ulysses quadrupedal, who made die 
 The old mordacious Rat, that dared devour 
 Antecedaneous Ale, in John's domestic bower. 
 
 Lo, here, with hirsute honors doffed, succinct 
 Of saponaceous locks, the Priest who linked 
 In Hymen's golden bands the torn unthrift. 
 Whose means exiguous stared from many a 
 
 rift. 
 Even as he kissed the virgin all forlorn, 
 Who milked the cow with implicated horn.
 
 90 English as she is wrote. 
 
 Who in fine wrath the canine torturer skied, 
 That dared to vex the insidious muricide, 
 Who let the auroral effluence through the pelt 
 Of the sly Rat that robbed the palace Jack had 
 built. 
 
 The loud cantankerous Shanghai comes at last, 
 Whose shouts arouse the shorn ecclesiast, 
 Who sealed the vows of Hymen's sacrament, 
 To him who robed in garments indigent, 
 Exosculates the damsel lachrymose, 
 The emulgator of that horned brute morose, 
 That tossed the dog, that worried the cat, that kilt 
 The Rat that ate the malt, that lay in the house 
 that Jack built.
 
 VII. 
 
 By the Untutored. 
 
 Care should be taken in writing for the 
 young, or they may get a wholly different 
 meaning from the language than that in- 
 tended. The Bishop of Hereford was examin- 
 ing a school-class one day, and, among other 
 things, asked what an average was. Several 
 boys pleaded ignorance, but one at last re- 
 plied, " It is what a hen lays on." This an- 
 swer puzzled the bishop not a little; but the 
 boy persisted in it, stating that he had read it 
 in his little book of facts. He was then told 
 to bring the little book, and, on doing so, he
 
 92 English as she is wrote, 
 
 pointed triumphantly to a paragraph com- 
 mencing, " The domestic hen lays on an aver- 
 age fifty eggs each year." 
 
 If English is *' wrote " as she is often 
 " spoke " by the ignorant and careless, she 
 would bear little resemblance to the original 
 Queen's English. A listener wrote out a short 
 conversation heard the other day between two 
 pupils of a high-school, and here is the pho- 
 netic result : 
 
 " Warejergo lasnight? '* 
 
 '* Hadder skate." 
 
 "Jerlind th'ice hard'n'good ? " 
 
 ** Yes, hard'nough." 
 
 " Jer goerlone?" 
 
 " No ; Bill'n Joe wenterlong." 
 
 " Howlate jerstay ? " 
 
 " Pastate." 
 
 " Lemmeknow wenyergoagin, woncher ? I 
 wantergo'n'show yer howterskate."
 
 By the Untutored, 93 
 
 '' H'm, ficoodn't skate better'n you I'd sell- 
 
 out'n'quit." 
 
 " Well, we'll tryeranc'n'seefyercan." 
 Here, as they took different streets, their 
 
 conversation ceased. 
 
 A writer in the " School-boy Magazine " 
 has gathered together the following diction- 
 ary words as defined by certain small people : 
 
 Bed-time — Shut eye time. 
 
 Dust — Mud with the juice squeezed out. 
 
 Fan — A thing to brush warm ofE with. 
 
 Fins — A fish's wings. 
 
 Ice — Water that staid out in the cold and 
 went to sleep. 
 
 Monkey — A very small boy with a tail. 
 
 Nest-Egg — The ^gg that the old hen meas- 
 ures by, to make new ones. 
 
 Pig — A hog's little boy. 
 
 Salt — What makes your potato taste bad 
 when you don't put any on.
 
 94 English as she is wrote. 
 
 Snoring — Letting off sleep. 
 Stars — The moon's eggs. 
 Wakefulness — Eyes all the time coming un- 
 buttoned. 
 
 The following specimens from scholars* ex- 
 aminations in making sentences to illustrate 
 the definitions of words, found in their small 
 dictionaries, will have a familiar sound to some 
 of our readers : 
 
 Frantic = Wild : I picked a bouquet of 
 frantic flowers. 
 
 Retorted := Returned : We retorted home 
 at six o'clock. 
 
 Summoned = Called : I summoned to see 
 Mary last week. 
 
 Athletic = Strong : The vinegar was too 
 athletic to be used. 
 
 Poignant = Sharp : My knife is very poig- 
 nant. 
 
 Ordinances = Rules : We learned the or-
 
 By the Untutored, 95 
 
 dinances for finding the greatest common di- 
 visor. 
 
 Turbid = Muddy : The road was so turbid 
 that we stuck fast in the mud. 
 
 Tandem = One behind another : The schol- 
 ars sit tandem in school. 
 
 Akimbo = With a crook : I saw a dog with 
 an akimbo in his tail. 
 
 Atonement = Satisfaction : There is no 
 atonement in boat-riding in a cold day. 
 
 Composure = Calmness : The composure of 
 the day was remarkable. 
 
 We have the authority of the late Dr. Hart 
 as to the genuineness of the following extracts, 
 taken from the papers of a class seeking admis- 
 sion into a high-school, to which had been given 
 a list of words for their meanings and apphca- 
 tions : 
 
 Fabulous — Full of threads : Silk is fabulous. 
 
 Accession — The act of eating a great deal :
 
 96 English as she is v:rote, 
 
 John got very sick after dinner by acces- 
 sion. 
 
 Atonement — A small insect : Queen Mab 
 was pulled by atonements. 
 
 Develop — To swallow up : God sent a whale 
 to develop Jonah. 
 
 Circumference — Distance through the mid- 
 dle: Distance around the middle of the outside. 
 
 Mobility — Belonging to the people : The 
 mobility of St. Louis has greatly increased. 
 
 Adequate — A land animal : An elephant is 
 an adequate. 
 
 Gregarious — Pertaining to idols: The Sand- 
 wich-Islanders are gregarious. 
 
 Fluctuation — Coming in great numbers: 
 There was a great fluctuation of immigrants. 
 
 Alternate — Not ternate. 
 
 Intrinsic — Not trinsic ; weak, feeble : He 
 was a very intrinsic old man. 
 
 Subservient — One opposed to the uphold- 
 ing of servants.
 
 T7 nglish as She is Spoke; 
 
 Or, A Jest in Sober Earnest. 
 
 Compiled from the celebrated "New Guide of Con- 
 versation IN Portuguese and English." 
 
 "Excruciatingly funny." — London World, 
 
 "Every one who loves a laugh should either buy, beg, bor- 
 row, or — we had almost said steal — the book." — London Fun. 
 
 Square i6mo. Parchment-paper cover. Price, 30 cents. 
 
 Th nglish as She is Wrote, 
 
 Showing curious ways in which the English Language 
 may be made to convey Ideas or obscure them. 
 
 A Companion to ^^ English as She is Spoked 
 
 Square i6mo. Parchment-paper cover. Price, 30 cents. 
 
 New York: D. APPLETON & CO., i, 3, & 5 Bond Street.
 
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 Richards, A. M. With numerous Engravings. i2mo. 
 Cloth, $1.25. 
 
 Tommy Try, and what He Did in Science. With Forty- 
 six Illustrations. Two vols., i2mo. Cloth, $1.50. 
 
 New York: D. APPLETON & CO., i, 3, & 5 Bond Street. 
 
 P8-0T3%
 
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