THE LIFE 
 
 
 PILL GARLICK; 
 
 RATHER A WHIMSICAL SORT OF FELLOW^ 
 
 *' Homme de lettre^ Homme d^emditimi ; Hrmme de snffisanee, 
 Homme de capacit/y Homme consomme dans Uutes let scU 
 encesf naturelltp morales, et politiqueSf Himme savant f ««- 
 vantissime, per omnes modos et casus.'* 
 Quel diable de babillardl 
 
 " Though Taste* Wit, Judgment, all deny their aid, 
 He combats Nature ; and de serts his trade i 
 Though void of Sense of Breeding, Grace, or Ease, 
 The desp'rate BLOCKHEAD still expects to please.* 
 
 tlontion : 
 
 PRINTED FOR THE AUTHOR; 
 AND SOLD BY JOHN MILLER, 25, BOW STREET, 
 
 covENT garden; and N. MAUON, 
 
 DUBLIN. 
 
lOAN STACK 
 
CORRESPONDENCE 
 
 What though I may perchance meet some of thMe 
 That ina satire of their hobbling prose. 
 May hope to stinfj me, and to lash the Hrrse 
 Th»'y caiinoi sit.— Let them exhaust their force j 
 They may perhaps to Ass ■« turn themselves. 
 And kick in vain, like waves against the shelves. 
 
 It is more than probable the Author has his 
 own reasons for publishing the following Corres- 
 pondence, which took place between him and his 
 Friends, before he sent his work to the press. 
 
 LETTER I. 
 
 My dear Sir, 
 
 You will oblige jnc very much 
 miieed by perusing the MS. which 1 s«nd by 
 the bearer; and after you have made your cor- 
 rections, 1 beg you will show '}t to your friend^ 
 b 
 
\yliose talent for punSf bon-motSf jeu-de-mots, jcu-^ 
 d*espn(s^ double entendres, and ^'rit of every des- 
 cription, is so generally acknowledged, (and let 
 me add, for whose judgement I entertain the 
 highest esteem) that his opinion of my work may 
 either deter me from exposing myself to the 
 Public, or induce me to raise the price of my 
 book. The latter, entre iiousy is what I desire, 
 but don't tell him so upon any account! as I 
 would much rather have a free unbiassed opinion. 
 Your obliging rae in this request, my dear Sir, 
 will add a monstrous weight to the heavy load 
 of obligation I already labour under, and which 
 I never think of hut it renews the remembrance 
 of my engagements to be 
 
 Your servant, 
 Ned, 
 
 THE ANSWER. 
 
 ^fy dear Sir, 
 
 I read your JMS. as you desired, 
 but not wishing to detain it, I sent it almost 
 immediately to my friend, whose opinion you 
 seemed so desirous of havmg ; he returned it 
 even sooner than \ expected, and I am sorry to 
 inform you that it has been the caut>e of a serious 
 rupture between hiia and me; he said, *• / coH" 
 
tn 
 
 sider it, Sir, a gross msv!t upon my undentandirtg^ 
 to svppose I could stoop to interfere in suck low, 
 gnorant nonsense. 
 
 Excuse me for giving his own words, and also 
 from giving my opinion upon your work as far 
 as I read, I wish you better luck my dear Sir, 
 And have the honour to be, 
 &c. &c. &c, 
 
 Author's commentaries on the foregoing letter* 
 
 " A .wiotM ruptur€"^~\ wish you had rup- 
 tured each other's low, ignorantf nonsensical skulls. 
 
 ** Excuse me from giving tny o^iVioyi."— Excuse 
 you !— ha ! indeed you may keep your opinion to 
 yourself; I want none of it. 
 
 ** I laish you bettei' /tfc^."— D— n your luck ! 
 
 LETTER 11. 
 
 Mon cher Ami, 
 
 I herewith send my manuscript, 
 which is now, as you will find, tout pret pour les 
 mains de Vimprimcur, I request, as my ami mtimcy 
 that you will subscribe for a few copies, and that 
 you will give me your truly valuable opinion of 
 the style and tout ensemble de la composition. It 
 is not for nie to make remarks sur Vclegance^ ou 
 «/r Inexactitude que fai pris soin d'en observer ; I 
 leave all that d, la justesse^ <J la purete, d la fidc-^ 
 62 
 
vni 
 
 iitS of your highly refined taste ; ne me mhagez 
 point, jc Tovs en prie, be strictly candid. Au plai- 
 sir cle vous voir, 
 
 ** Qu'un ami xcritahle est une douce chose .' /" 
 Jdicu mon cher, 
 N. 
 
 THE ANSWER. 
 
 Mon cher Amiy 
 
 The pains I took in perusing 
 your IMS. prevented my answering sooner voire 
 ires ohligeante kttte^ in which vous mefuites I'/ion- 
 7-eur de ni'lnviter to subscribe pour quelques exem- 
 ylaires, and at the same time you request that I 
 Kiay deliver mwi avis surle^tyle tt sur le tout en- 
 semble de voire cowpositiou. Taurois bien voulu^ 
 mon ckcr amif tn avoir garde nun seulement mon 
 argent^ tnais mtssi (cramt de vous offmser) mes 
 pensecs la dt'ssus. However, you are so very 
 pressing, quejeme t?'ome malgre moi oblige de me 
 sout}i€(t)X ; and I believe qu*cn toute covscience, I 
 cannot answer y«u more apropos than with the 
 following lines, que voire drole d'ouvrage mavoit 
 fait rappcller, 
 
 « Without a character from Nature got, 
 Without a moHil, ar without a jilot, 
 
XI 
 
 fi dull collection of insipid jokes, 
 Sonae stole from conversation, sr)me from books 
 However, since on pleasing you I'm bent, 
 L'llbu^ one copy, wbicb will quite content^' 
 
 Votre ires humble, 
 Tres obligeant, 
 Et tres affect ionn^y &c» 
 
 Juthor*s NotC'-^V ery humble, very obliging, 
 \ery affectionate, truly ! Indeed I deserve it for 
 submitting le style de ma composition ^ la decision 
 d*un ignorant y d^ an fat, d*un pendardy d'unfaclieux, 
 <£un sot, (l*un — uu — un — Bete comme celui la ! 
 Oh! Voltaire, Voltaire, how true is thy asser- 
 tion sur le " rarete dts Gens de gout/'^—^'' Le goGt 
 H*appartient qu^^ ua trh petit nombre d^dmes prt- 
 
 LETTER III. 
 
 Tlonourcd Uncle, 
 
 Although you have more than 
 once advised me not to expose myself by pub- 
 lishing my little narrative, yet if you were to see 
 it since I altered and improved it, I am con- 
 vinced you would be highly delighted. I have 
 read it twice and a half over to Nurse Bridget, 
 who declares *' Fll surely make a fortin by the 
 poetry verses ;" indeed I have had two or threo 
 
opinions upon the merit of the tout ensemhle of 
 the composition, but there is so much envy, 
 spite, and malice in this great World, that I 
 put no faith in them. Now my dearest Uncle, 
 you must know the Printer has called upon me 
 for ten pounds, which I told him he should have 
 in a day or two; I therefore request jou will 
 send me your subscription for a few copies, and 
 j?ou will everlastingly oblige him whose utter, 
 most ambition is to climb to those deserts that 
 may give him the title of 
 
 Your esteemed Nephew, 
 
 Neddy, 
 
 UNCLFs ANSWER. 
 
 Mr. Ned, 
 
 Surprize and indignation at your 
 consummate obstinacy and foHy, will scarcely 
 permit me to send an answer to your late most 
 unexpected and impeninent application. What I 
 am I then to be so ridiculed as to have all 
 my kindest advice flouted at and rejected, and 
 at the same moment to be called upon to sanc- 
 tion your impudence with my purse? I had 
 hoped you might have been gifted with some 
 little share of sense, at least, by reason of your 
 connection with my family; but alas! vain is 
 the hope of mortals I 
 
Surely you might have recollected that al^ 
 though Thersitea was a blockhead) still he is no 
 where recorded to have been an ingra<te and 4 
 obstinate scape grace. In considoraUon however 
 of the great expence you have been at, and still 
 are likely to incur, and in deibrenc* tu the old 
 saying, stuUi serb sapienteti 1 shall subscribe to 
 your vile trash, in proof whereof 1 heiewi^U 
 transmit you half a crown, desiring at the &aiue 
 time you may. never again iiupurluu<f me on such 
 a subject. 
 
 Your much offended, 
 
 And highly irate Uncle* 
 
 P. S. As to } our verses, which you think so 
 much about, 1 have already given you my opi» 
 nion twenty times. 
 
 ** In the metre of Simkio, in rhymes without wit 5 
 ** Not a single good^puiut, not a whimsical hit V* 
 
 LETTER IV. 
 
 My dearest Madam, 
 
 I return you many thanks 
 for the Rhyming Dictionary which you have so 
 obligingly sent me; 1 have novT nothing to fear 
 from the Edinburgh Review^ Quarterly Review, 
 or any other Review, as between the Dictionary 
 
XII 
 
 and the Complete Letter Writer, 1 flatter ixi}- 
 self, I shall attain such a style I as to set them 
 all at defiance. 
 
 I herewith send you the MS. of Pill Garlick, 
 which we talked so much about last night : pray 
 peruse it, and give me your faithful opinion. 
 Do not think me too vain if I seek to direct 
 your attention to my versification, as I flatter 
 myself the poetical pieces, which I have so ju- 
 iJieiottsly interspersed through the work, will 
 be found in some degree worthy your notice. 
 
 Let this, I beg, for the present satisfy you, 
 tin I have occasion (which with rapturous im- 
 patience I await) to give you more effectual 
 proofs of my love ; and be assured I consider 
 it aa enviable pleasure to be remarked in all 
 places how much I am, dearest Madam, 
 
 Your 
 
 Ned* 
 
 MADAM^S ANSWER. 
 
 Sir, 
 
 I return the Manuscript, which 
 there certainly must be some mistake about, as 
 I can hardly imagine it is the one you in- 
 tend to publish, and which I have repeatedly 
 heard you speak of in rather a high swoln style. 
 
xm 
 
 From the hints you threw out in your's of Mon- 
 day last, I perused your poetry with consider- 
 able attention, and excuse me if I add, with 
 considerable tnn«t. The result of my reflections 
 is couched in the following lints, which, I beg 
 leave to offer as my opinion of your work. 
 
 Those lines which on the World you mean to play^ 
 
 Deierve the birch much better than the bay; 
 
 That steed of winch so many are afraid, 
 
 Wjis not the hobby with which you have play'd ; 
 
 I mean to say, you never did betsride 
 
 That horse with wings, on which true Poets ride. 
 
 Before one writes me thinks they should rehearse 
 
 The common precepts of the laws of verse I 
 
 But those who shall your fusty verses hear. 
 
 Porta natcituT nan Jit, tbeyUl swear ! 
 
 1 hope I need not desire you to be confident, 
 that whatsoever is deticiewt in my expression, 
 wants not a perfect supply i« my hearty affec- 
 tion; for be assured none have a more ample 
 interest in my love, uor a nigher lodging ta 
 the heart of 
 
 Your pure friend, 
 
 Clytemnestra^ 
 
 bd 
 
XiV 
 
 LETTER V. 
 
 To the Author, 
 
 Dear Sir, 
 
 1 have read your MS., and find 
 I am already provided with the very best edi- 
 tions of those Authors from whose pages the 
 cream of Pill Garlick is obviously squeezed ; 
 having no wish for duplicates in my library, I 
 therefore beg leave to decline subscribing to 
 your work. Assure yourself, however, that you 
 are not mistaken when 70U count among the 
 number of your friends he who subscribes 
 himself 
 
 Your obedient, 
 
 &c. 
 
 LETTER VL 
 
 Dear Ned^ 
 
 I hear you are resolved to thrust 
 yourself before the Public as an Author ! — Take 
 my advice and look before yoa leap — recollect 
 
 those d d Edinburgh Reviewers. -— Depend 
 
 upon it the Criticks will play Hell with you. — 
 
XV 
 
 I have heard many of your friends say, they 
 would subscribe, if they were not ashamed of 
 being considered as great a fool as yourself— 
 Don't publish. — God bless you. 
 
 Yours, 
 
 Jack. 
 
 All the letters I received of the above des- 
 cription would fill a twopenny-post-bag ; my 
 Readers may therefore judge whether I found 
 them of so interesting a nature as to induce 
 rae to insert any more. ** Telle est Vinjiu^ 
 tice des hommcs. Us punissent comme un crime 
 Venvie dc kiir plaire, quand cette cnxU n*a pas 
 riussi!^* 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 Courteous Reader, 
 
 I THINK I have pretty generally 
 observed that Authors of celebrity 
 seldom begin, continue, or end a 
 work without the two popular 
 words " Courteous Reader." I 
 also think that a literary composi- 
 tion of worth or magnitude is 
 commonly adorned with a Pre- 
 face, which has determined me 
 to prefix one to this, lest it should 
 look awkward without one. 
 
 Know then. Courteous Reader, 
 that if you buy my Book, I do 
 
VIU 
 
 not care a needle whether you 
 read it or not ; however, should 
 your curiosity induce you to do 
 so, take this much of a friend's 
 counsel. Stretch yourself in a 
 comfortable attitude, draw on 
 your night cap, and then^ — Good 
 night to youj Courteous Reader. 
 
 ** Omne supervacuum pletio de ])ectore ma-» 
 
 * The above scrap of Latin I have been po- 
 sitively assured is faithfully translated thu&:— • 
 ^il superfluities tire* 
 
DEDICATION. 
 
 What though no Greek or Latin I command. 
 Since I can write what none can understand ? 
 Are there not many such boobiesio the land ? 
 
 ■ ■ nMicat inter 
 QUEEN GLUMDALCAy velut inttr igrm 
 Luna minores. 
 
 To 
 
 The Most Illuminated and Most 
 Enormous QUEEN GLUM- 
 DA LC A ! Chief Character in 
 the Tragical Scene of Thumb; 
 Patentee of the pedantick Prac- 
 tice of Scholastic Verbosity ; 
 Prime Administratrix of the 
 
XX 
 
 Homonymous Court of Litera^ 
 ture ; Patroness of the Curious^ 
 Society of Pathetical Poetas- 
 ters ; and CZARINA of all 
 the Scribbling States in Jabber 
 Oceaii^ ! ! ! 
 
 May it please your preengaging 
 Czarinaship. 
 
 It is not my design to embellish these 
 lines with the gaudy attributes of praise, 
 because I am conscious of your Czarina- 
 ship's abhorrence of all parasitical com- 
 pliments and elaborate panegyrics from 
 whatsoever quarter they may come; I 
 
 * There are in every language ancient and mo- 
 dern, certain heterogeneous words and anomalous 
 expressions which render it more difficult to be 
 understood by students and foreigners, than even 
 the most licentious idiomatic phrases, or the most 
 irregular combination of sentences. 
 
 Big Sam^ 
 
XXI 
 
 shall therefore without further preamble, 
 hasten to explain how and in what man- 
 ner I was induced to fix upon tlie distin- 
 guished name of your fascinating Czari- 
 naship as Patroness of this illustrious 
 production. 
 
 — Dulcique animos novltate tenebo, 
 '' And wilb sweet novelty your soul detain V 
 
 It came to pass that being alone on the 
 fifth evening, in the third week, of the 
 eleventh month, and in the twelfth year 
 of the nineteenth century, I sat myself 
 down in an elbow chair in a state of 
 somnolency, wherein I indulged my 
 senses until close upon the hour of half 
 price aiiiiittance at Covent Garden The- 
 atre, when I rose with a full intent to 
 disburse three english shillings and six- 
 pence, being the sine qua nan of becoming 
 one of the many risible spectators of 
 that tragical representation, which sur- 
 passes all competition, and in w hich your 
 
Elephantine Gzarinaship so conspicuous- 
 ly shines*. 
 
 With the most forlorn depression of 
 purse-proud spirits I feel myself necessi- 
 tated to expose to your sympathizing 
 Gzarinaship, that, upon the strictest scru- 
 tiny of my money bag, I found that the 
 sum it contained required the addition 
 of fourpence halfpenny before I could 
 legally obtain admittance at the Box 
 door. In vain did I industrioi^sly fum- 
 ble, nay, even inverted the order of my 
 pockets in the hope of finding the absent 
 sum, till at length, penetrated with the 
 point of the old adage, '' ex nihilo nihil 
 Jity'' I resumed my seat, pathetically ex- 
 claiming. 
 
 Come disappointment come. 
 Thou art not stern to me : 
 
 The Courteous Reader will readily perceive 
 that the Tragedy of Tragedies, or Tom Thumb 
 the Greatj is the performance so happily al- 
 luded to. 
 
xxni 
 
 Sad raoni tress ; 1 own thy sway ! 
 
 A vot'ry sad ia early day, 
 
 1 bend my knee to thee ; 
 
 From sun to sun, 
 
 My race will run, 
 
 1 only bow, and say, 
 
 Ah ! cruel jade have xlone. 
 
 In bowing I struck the tabernacle of my 
 brains most ungracefully against a pro- 
 tubcrating corner of the chimney piece; 
 liowever, I instantly stilled the ebullition 
 of anger by recalling to memory the 
 calm resignation displayed by your phi- 
 losophical Czarinaship, when on receiv* 
 ing a lethiferous thrust in the abdomi* 
 ninous members, from that jealous tat- 
 terdemalion my Lord Grizzle; — you 
 sank with such placid contentment into 
 the skinny embraces of the insatiable 
 monster, Death ! serenely uttering that 
 sublime sentence which fell in harmo- 
 nizing sounds from your Czarinaship's 
 nectareous and pulpy hps, — *' Oh ! ye 
 gods, he has run me through the guts*' ! I 
 
xxiy 
 
 It was this reflection, equally happy a$ 
 sudden, which as I have already said, 
 cooled the effervescence of my choler, 
 and first induced me to illuminate the' 
 dawn of this comet of Literature with 
 the illustrious name of your enlightened 
 Czarinaship ! for, till the unexpected 
 moment my approximating skull 
 came in contact with the corner of the 
 rudely projecting chimney piece, I was 
 actually at a loss to determine whom 
 I should fasten upon to patronize so 
 serious a consumption of pens, ink, and 
 paper. 
 
 I have heard it whispered abroad, 
 that your sententious Czarinaship 
 used sometimes to deal in apopli- 
 thegms, and that of these, your 
 Czarinaship was particularly partial 
 to the following viz. that your Czari- 
 naship had known, '' few men with- 
 out envy, few wits without ill-nature, 
 and no author without vanity.*^ The 
 perspicuity of your Czarinaship's well 
 
:xxv 
 
 concocted judgment is beyond all dis- 
 pute, and I very submissively request 
 the honour of beingr described in the 
 parallelogram of your Czarinashi|/s most 
 graciuijs opinion, fully coinciding as I 
 do, in all the chasteness of the remark. 
 Vanity lias been immemorial ly the '* Great 
 Charter'* of authors ; of old they assum- 
 ed the functions of necromancy and 
 made boastful prediction of the immor- 
 tality their names should acquire through 
 the medium of their voluminous and 
 overprized lucubrations. Authors of 
 modern days in their dedications and 
 prefatory discourses, employ much elOr 
 quence to praise their patrons, and much 
 seeming modesty to condemn themselves, 
 or at least, to apologize to the Literati 
 for the glaring insufficiency of their pro- 
 ductions : but this is mere pride, mere 
 self conceited arrogat«:e, and the more 
 despicable manner of the two, for of all 
 the various garbs Priile puts on, that of 
 crouching humihty must appear to the 
 
XXVI 
 
 luciferous mind of your nice-discerning. 
 Czarinaship the most abject and filthy. 
 Not to incur your imperious displeasure 
 by such a sneaking dereliction of cha- 
 racter and independence, shall through- 
 out the whole of this compilation be my 
 studious concern. 
 
 The present age I have heard, and I 
 begin to think with some degree of pro- 
 priety, may be stiled the " Age of Au- 
 thors/* for perhaps there never was a 
 time in which men of all degrees of abi- 
 lity, of every kind of education, of every 
 profession and employment were posting 
 with sueh ardour to the press. Away 
 they go, hark forward tantivy ! 
 
 Scribimus indocti, doctique, 
 " All dare to write, who can or cannot read.* 
 
 Such are the common scribblers of 
 the times, whose verses, much like their 
 own black coats, are miserable cento's 
 and patches ; mere Grub Street Poet- 
 
p 
 
 XXVll 
 
 asters ! who in the anxious moments 
 of composition, devour the excrescences 
 of their fingers, and scratch their hide 
 bound skulls in the hope of scraping out 
 a morsel of wit or a jingling rhyme. 
 Well done invention ! two to one on 
 imagination !— -pull brains, and out with 
 it 1 — Such, I say, are mere fustian au- 
 thors who make tlie press their mint, 
 and which perhaps now and tJien stamps 
 them a sixpence. 
 
 ** But shall I mix in this unhallow'd crew? 
 ** May rosin'd lightning blast me if I do !" 
 For all such shabby, goose quill scribbling elves, 
 Instead of pleasing others, damn themselves ! 
 
 Here, perhaps your discriminating 
 Czarinashif), (and with justice too) may 
 demand why I should presmne to hold 
 forth such pertinacious loquacity in cen- 
 sure of this literary mania, at the time 
 that I myself join in the epidemical con- 
 spiracy, for the destruction of paper, 
 
XXVlll 
 
 pens and ^'nk ; whc n I am nothing niorc 
 than a beiattcred, irippery, ivy-crown'd 
 pedlar ! the niuses hal erdasher ! whose 
 wit is but the chips and shavings of bom- 
 bast, the mere lees of a spungy brain, 
 squeezed to the last dreg ; who at the 
 painful birth ot every verse, twist .and 
 distort my visage as if I w^as submittmg 
 to the eradication of a molar*. 
 
 *' vouSi qui rafjintz sur lei ear its dcs autres, 
 *' De quel ecil pensez*vous qu on regarde Ics votres ^ 
 *' // ntsi rien en ce temps d, convert de vos coups ', 
 * * Mais savez'vous aussi comme on park de vous f 
 
 Boil. 
 
 But go on thou fool, write, and blot, 
 
 * " In vain may the laborious Lexicographer 
 boast of having traced every radical v.ord, 
 through a collateral series of parallel ramifica- 
 tions ; the xvant of an adequate interj^retation 
 renders the author almost totally unintelligible." 
 Vide Proposals fur a new Dictionary, unsuc- 
 cessfully published before I was born. 
 
3CX1X 
 
 txid headlong precipitate thyself into the 
 puddled current of rhyme*. 
 
 This your Czarinaship's severe, al- 
 though perhaps deserved animadversion, 
 has diffused a blush ** red as beeF o'er 
 the whole superficies of my physiog- 
 nomy ; Shame sits clad in robes of crim- 
 son upon my cheek, and places me in a 
 dilemma little short of obmutescence ; I 
 
 * The impetuosity of her Czarinaship's honey* 
 flowing eloquence, has perhaps tor a moment 
 hurried her beyond the bounds of decorous ora- 
 tory ; but so soon as the perturbed Jtlmtic of 
 indignation shall have become Pacific^ 1 feel 
 satisfied of her Czarinaship's willingness to ac- 
 quiesce in the sublime opinions uf Dionysius 
 Longinus, who says, that " Bombast is amongst 
 those faults which are mosc difficult to be avoid* 
 cd. All men are naturally biassed to aim at 
 grandeur. Hence it is, that by shunning with 
 the utmost diligence the censure of impotence and 
 phlegm, they are hurried into the contrary ex- 
 treme ; ever mindful of the maxim, that 
 
 " In great attempts 'tis glorioua pVn to fall." 
 
XXX 
 
 really find myself put to the pinch to 
 support such an apparent inconsistency 
 of argument, unless your gracious Czari- 
 naship will generously condescend to 
 admit that I am operated upon, like 
 the generality of nincompoop manu- 
 facturers of volumes of inanity ; by the 
 circumvolution of the planets; by the 
 constellations in general ; or the intem- 
 perature of the seasons : by the contin- 
 4iance of the wind at any given point of 
 the compass ; or by intoxicating vapours 
 exhaled from the earth! — Which of 
 these higgledy-piggledy probabilities in- 
 fluence me, I very meekly submit to the 
 quick-sighted discernment of your discri- 
 minating Czarinaship's perspicacious ima- 
 gination. Methinks I hear your wit-in- 
 fusing Czarinaship classically exclaim 
 RiDiCULUM*! and that. 
 
 * " The Philologist still toils with hopeless 
 investigcvtiun, and finds himself bewildered in the 
 

 XXXI 
 
 he youth who hopes th* Olympic prize to gain, 
 All arts must try and every toil sustain.'^ 
 
 True I allow, but this neither suits 
 my inclination, nor ambition, nor per- 
 haps my pericranium, and in answer to 
 the very apposite quotation of your 
 learned Czarinaship, I beg leave to in- 
 troduce the following genuine effusion, 
 which with due deference to your Czar- 
 inashii)'s sui)erior judgment, ia my opi- 
 nion flogs all the Lords of tlie Lyre 
 and Fathers of the song who have hi- 
 therto ventured to mount that god-be- 
 gotten steed, y doped Pegasus. 
 
 I swear by every poetaster's name, 
 
 No laurel wreaths I condescend to claim ; 
 
 Nor would I e*cn one single toil sustain, 
 
 Tbo» that one toil tli» Olympic prize should gain : 
 
 i write for pastime, so all wreaths disdain, 
 
 m^ze of petty familiarity and entangled in the 
 9tultiloquence of colloquial barbarisms. 
 
 Big Sam, 
 
^Vhich cost mech trouble, or inflict much pain: 
 My only object is to entertain 
 Your fair Czarinaship's enlightened brain ; 
 And from Apollo if I can obtain 
 Assistance to accomplish e'en that same, 
 1*11 borrow foY a week the Trump of Fame, 
 And with loud blasts tiiy happiness proclaim ? 
 Now blush ye Poets all, o'erwhelm'd with shame^ 
 While I on foot resume with might and main. 
 My humble prosing dedicating theme. 
 
 It must be obvious from tbe now* 
 ^las ! - no - longer - sublunary - existence of 
 jour never-sufficiently-enough-to-be-re- 
 gretted Czarinaship, that 1 have been 
 influenced by no sordid, no interested 
 motive, in having thus adventurously 
 presumed to embellish the following soul- 
 cnrapturing sheets of Ciceronian elo- 
 <juence, with the all fascinating name of 
 the thrice illustrious-cloud contending 
 Queen Glumdalca. And that I 
 could not have expected to be remune- 
 rated in aught, save, in a tacit approba- 
 tion of my stile, which (I have been 
 
XXXIU 
 
 heard to say) is most clear, pure, nervouit 
 and expressive ; that my arguments are 
 minutely persuasive, with the superad- 
 dition of elegance and imagery, and 
 that throughout, I have displayed all the 
 dazzling colours of variegated diction, 
 and poured forth the soft music of mo- 
 dulated periods, with a strict adherence 
 to the generous sentiments contained ia 
 the following lines. 
 
 ** Curst be the verse, how well so e*er it flow, 
 " That tends to make one worthy man my foe.'* 
 Nor would I on your lovely aspect raise, 
 *' One blush, to gam a thousand coxcombs' praise.^ 
 
 Pop. 
 
 The scrutinizing penetration of youir 
 unerring Czarinaship, may here discover 
 somewhat symptomatic of self-love, and 
 object that I have decided much too 
 hastily and egotistically in favour of my 
 own abilities. Bending with the lowest 
 knee-crooking humility to the unfathom- 
 able gulf of your Cxarinaship's most pro- 
 
XXXIV 
 
 found, learning, I pray leave to ask, if It 
 happens that I am incited by a vain 
 opinion, to attempt more than I can per- 
 form : Who is hurt by the mistake ? 
 Mine is the labour, and mine is the dis- 
 grace. No advantage can arise from a 
 torpid atrabilarious despondency; it is 
 the " frost of the soul, w hich freezes all 
 its powers and congeals life in perpetual 
 sterihty." Did I not hope to tickle the 
 \vanton fancy of your Tragicomical Cza- 
 rinaship, and eke amuse myself, I would 
 not have undertaken this paragon of 
 Belles-lettres ; for what wight will toil 
 without hope ? seeing that without it, he 
 must e*en be gloomy and dumpish as a 
 starved €at ; pensive, as a snail with his 
 shell broke, and solitary as a rabbit on 
 a spit ; in short it would not be possi- 
 ble for him to make even an attempt, and 
 where nothing is attempted, I can prove 
 by demonstmtion, that nothing can be 
 done. E. G. 
 
 A plus B minus C divided by D, 
 
XXXV 
 
 equals Z. Q.E.D. So that now at 
 least there can be no longer room to 
 doubt the validity of thu foregoing asser- 
 tion. Alethinks, I hear your supra-vul- 
 gar Czarinaship exclaim, — "Odsbodli- 
 kins, that's all my eye and Betty Mar- 
 tin ! and that such obnubilated proofs 
 iieed some sort of clarification." Prompt 
 in obeisance to your Cziirinaship's com- 
 mands, and at the same time with betit- 
 ting reverence, 1 take upon me to ob- 
 serve that the " Claro obscuro'^ in 
 writing as in painting, evinces the 
 entrancing powers of an author's 
 talent; and I feel convinced that in 
 knowled;^e and philosophy, the purpose 
 of research should ever be fixed on mak- 
 ing simple what is abstruse, not abstruse 
 what is simple ; ^* and tiiat ditficulty in 
 acquisition, will no more sanctify its 
 inexpediency, than the art of tumblers, 
 who have learned to stand on tDeir heads 
 will prove that the proper posture for 
 man.** 
 
XX XVI 
 
 And now lest the exuberant verbosity 
 t}f my circumlocutory goose-quill, should 
 be accused of superogatory procrastina- 
 tion, and however innocent, incur the 
 censure of inducing fatigation upon the 
 unexampled patience of your much en- 
 during Czarinaship, I shall without fur- 
 ther amplification, conclude with that 
 true degree of humility and respect, 
 which must prove to all the world, my 
 resolution of remainincr, Oh, most illu- 
 minated Sky-towering Glumdajlca ! 
 
 your Czarinaship's 
 
 very periphrastical, scholastical, 
 
 enthusiastical, fantastical, 
 
 philological, egotistical, 
 
 all-accomplished, time- beguiling, 
 
 scribbler-scrabbler, 
 
 NED. 
 
XXXVll 
 
 " L' impertinent auteur f 
 " Vennnyeux ecrivain ! Le maudit traducteur ? 
 ** ji quoi bun mettre au jour tons ces discours 
 
 frivoles^ 
 « tt ces riens enfermes dans des grander pa^ 
 roles r 
 
 Boil*. 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Habtberis ludibrio 
 
 Courteous Readers all! 
 
 X SHALL not detain you with an ac- 
 count of the causes which induced me 
 to write upon so many slieets of paper, 
 or of what is contained in them : we 
 are somewiiere told 
 
 " Errors, like straws, upon the surface flow- 
 He who would search for pearls must dive below." 
 
 Now, every straw that floats upon- 
 the surface you are lieartily welcome 
 to collect, whether it be to make a 
 bonfire to my praise, or to burn Pill 
 Garlick in effigy ; and as to the pearls^ 
 
xl 
 
 if you expect any, you must of course 
 take the trouble of diving for them; 
 but mark me, I have not promised you 
 a single one, for I am obliged to con- 
 fess that from the nature of the trade 
 I served my time to, I am totally un* 
 acquainted with such sort of Pearl 
 Fishery. The buds of literary science 
 if not blasted or faded away, at least 
 seldom arrive at maturity in that tmr- 
 ren soil wherein Seamen sprout, and 
 even flourish. 
 
 J, Sad Ocean'^s genius, in untimely hour, 
 
 Withers the bloom of every springing flow^ ; 
 There Fancy droops, while sudden cloud and 
 
 storm, 
 The gea'rou^s climate of the soul deformJ' 
 
 With respect to my own opinion of 
 the style, language, and toute ensem^ 
 hie of this compilation, I have already 
 said enough in another place. Perhaps 
 you are inclined to give me a flat denial 
 
xli 
 
 an that bead, and sneering at the vanity 
 of a few paltry quotations, M'hich every 
 school boy has at his fingers' ends ; you 
 will say that I am more ostentatious 
 of my learning than even Homer, Vir- 
 gil, or Milton were of theirs, for we 
 are positively told by Mr. Addison, 
 who was rather a clever sort of a plea- 
 sant little fellow, that these my poor 
 departed brother Authors (particularly 
 Milton) were extremely ambitious o£ 
 letting their readers know by their 
 excursions; " on free-will and predes- 
 tination, and tlieir many glances upon 
 History, Astronomy, Geography, and 
 the like> as well as by the terms and 
 phrases^ they sometimes made use of, 
 (mark that) that they were acquaint- 
 ed with the whole circle of Arts and 
 Sciences.^ 'Pon my sou), I see no 
 great blame that can attach to a man 
 for wisliing to appear learned, and in 
 H>y opinion (which in my epinion, you 
 
xli 
 
 know, goes for something) a man will 
 always find more advantage, in passing 
 himself off for greater than he is, than 
 he will, by coyishly declaring himself 
 to be less than he is. Ixt me tel 
 ye, good folk, that the custom of the 
 World is to judge, censure, or ap[)rove 
 from appearance, much more than from 
 intrinsic worth. A few technical terms 
 may sometimes make a man pass for 
 a bit of a Grecian, and a number of 
 hard uncommon words, a smattering 
 Latin is t. 
 
 Kow whether I am acquainted with 
 the ** whole circle cf the Arts and Sci- 
 ences,'* or only a small segment of it, 
 would be inj modest of me to decide : 
 but let us suppose that you are de- 
 ceived by my pedantic ostentation, and 
 imagine I am acquainted with the whole 
 circumference of the said circle; am I 
 the more stupid on account of your 
 mistake ? is it to my disadvantage to be 
 
xliii 
 
 taken for a well-read lad, or a classical 
 scholar ? surely not. You may whisper 
 to Lord A. pointing at me, " Dear ! O 
 dear ! what a charming creature that lit- 
 tle gentleman is with the pale face, dark 
 hair, and red whiskers ! he understands 
 Greek, and Latin, and French, and Spa- 
 nish so well that one can hardly under- 
 stand a single word he says." Lord A. 
 will not have a worse opinion of me, I 
 trust, for being a hnguist ; on the con- 
 trary, the very first op()ortunity he may 
 whisper my parts to Lady Betty B. La- 
 dy Betty B. may send me a polite card, 
 requesting my company to a select early 
 party, and there her ladyship may intro- 
 duce me to the Rev. Mr. C, A. B. — 
 F. R. S. which you know stands for Jrti* 
 um Baccalaureatus ; sed but, htec tliese 
 letters, habent have, variam cons true tio" 
 nem various constructions; exempli gra- 
 tia as for example, A. B. may stand for 
 A Booby, and F. R. S. for a Fellow 
 Remarkably Stupid. The Rev. Mr, C, 
 
A. B. — F. R. S. draws back two* 
 paces, and advances one, then makes 
 his bow, and expresses his inexpressible 
 delight at having the honour — of being 
 so fortunate — as to have the pleasure — 
 of declaring his happiness, upon sa 
 favourable an event — as, that — a — of 
 being — considered worthy — a — of so 
 great — a — mark of condescension — on 
 my part — as to — a — suffer him — to — a 
 be — introduced to a person — a — of — a 
 -such acknowledged classical reputation* 
 I immediately retort with a seeming mo 
 dest diffidence ; " O dear Sir, pray for- 
 bear, — a — the honour is reciprocal, I- a 
 — beg you won't mention it ; parlez vous 
 Francois?'* "Why no," replies Mr. 
 C, A. B.— P. R. S. " I don't think I 
 speak French well, but — a---I — a — read 
 it — a — quite the same as English.'* 
 '* O ! you read it quite the same as Eur 
 glish, do you, Mr. C. ; well, 1 declare 
 I don't think that's the best way to read 
 French, Mr. C. ; but at all events it's a 
 
xlv 
 
 charming lahguage, aint it?'* " A 
 charming language indeed, Mr. Gar*- 
 lick. Apropos, pray Mr. Garlick, do 
 you understand Greek?" " Greek ! ha, 
 ha ! bless your soul, I read Lucian and 
 Xenophon nearly through, when I was 
 not higher than a bee's knee" — '* pleasant 
 fellow young Cyrus was ?*' ** Yes, and 
 old Astyages was a good old creature ; 
 Mandana, was not that the name of 
 the mother, Mr. C. ?" " Yes Su*, you 
 are right." " Pretty sensible creature 
 she was ; we have very few Mandanas 
 now a days ! Pray Mr. C. do you re» 
 collect that passage in one of the Greek 
 classics which runs thus : 
 
 The vacant pause here, and the coun- 
 tenance of the Rev. Mr. C, A. B.— 
 F. It. S. who we may suppose to be stand- 
 
 * Translated,— The cnor ucri theles upis. 
 
xlvi 
 
 jng with his body advanced forward, his 
 eyes fixed with perplexed admiration 
 upon the carpet, the middle finger of 
 his right hand extended, and just touch- 
 ing the centre of that globe of wonder ! 
 (the fountain of all sense, and nonsense^ 
 I suppose) the left hand thrust into his 
 waistcoat. This pensive attitude and 
 awful pause, I say, proves the astonish* 
 ment of the Rev, Mr. C, A. B. and 
 F. R. S. who finding he can't hold a can- 
 dle to me for knowledge, introduces me 
 to Doctor D. — Doctor D. passes me on 
 as one absolutely pregnant with learn- 
 ing to Doctor E. and so on like the 
 starling, half through the alphabet. Per- 
 haps before I shall have arrived at Z, 
 some deeper learned wight having had 
 penetration enough to find nie out, will 
 exclaim, " Parturiunt monies nascitiir 
 ridiculus mus T But I dont care a 
 f arthing for that. 
 
 Populus me sibilate at mihi plaudo» 
 
xlvii 
 
 which, for the information of those not 
 so clever as Pill Garlick, signifies, 
 
 Who likes may sneer and ridicuk my toils ; 
 
 But pleased myself, I praise my work witb smiles. 
 
 - Now, should any of you challenge the 
 mode and manner in which I have 
 displayed my talents, remember that in 
 point of copying or imitatmg dirferent 
 Authors, I have the exainple of my 
 preceding brothers before mentioned; 
 and I believe it is pretty clear, that 
 Virgil copied Homer, and Milton co- 
 pied, both ; Nay, I could if I pleaded, 
 point out many things which the afore- 
 said little Joe Addison has sworn that 
 Milton actually stole from Sacred Writ, 
 and from many Latin and Greek 
 Poets of equal notoriety; but as 
 Mr. Milton s plagiarisms arc not the 
 matters in dispute, I shall recom- 
 mend him to the peace of departed 
 spirits, and you, Jirst^ to the purchase. 
 
xlviii 
 
 and then, (if you are so inclined) to 
 the perusal of this pearly production* 
 
 Adieu courteously^ 
 
 Sagacious Readers ! 
 
 Adieu ! 
 
 THE AUTHOR. 
 
PROLOGUE. 
 
 "*• Cedite, Homani scriptores cedite Gratis 
 •(The English of which is as much as to say, 
 Ye Bards Greek and Roman get out of my loayf) 
 
 A word to all that sharp spleaetic gentry, 
 AVho watch o'er Poets as if placed their sentry. 
 
 Stay till he asks your thoughts ye forward 
 sages, 
 Officiousness the Author much abjures ; 
 ^Tis surely pert to meddle with his pages, 
 Who never deigns to interfere with yours. 
 Be ye fine Gentlemen, or learned thieves. 
 He hates usurpers of the Critic throne, 
 Therefore his compliments the Author gives, 
 And humbly begs you'll let his lines alone. 
 
INTERLUDE. 
 
 Ye snarlers who say, that my Prologue I stole, 
 
 From that galloping bard, Peter Pindar, 
 
 May think yourselves all vastly clever by Golc ! 
 
 But my rhyming you never shall hinder. 
 
 J've read a few lines by a Monsieur Boileau 
 
 Which to Critics will often apply, 
 
 But being in French it may chance happen so, 
 
 That noddles (like yours) their sense can't descry ! 
 
 ** Laissons les done tntre eux s'escrimer en repos; 
 
 Etf sans nous egarer, suivons notre propos" 
 
 and again, 
 <* Etpourjinir en/in par un (rait de satire^ 
 Un Sot trouvc toujours un plus sot i^ui t'admire*'* 
 
ARGUMENT. 
 
 l.trcina entrusts our Author upon the Earth. — Miss For- 
 tune rntrodnces herself rudely. — Great hopes enter- 
 tained of our Author cutting a fi;;ure at the Bar, — 
 Turned to school. — Frequent casligaiions of little ef- 
 fect. — Singular musical adventure. — Miss Vilkins. — 
 Author scrapes an acquaintance with sea officers.— 
 Wonderful effect of their heroical appearance. — Battle 
 of the Nile. — A mother builds castles in the air. — Au- 
 thor ingenioubly reasons with himself. — Facetious de- 
 scription of part of his family.— Interesting dialogue 
 between the Mother and Son. — The Mother waxes an- 
 gry — Expostulates, — Displays vast cunning in soun.lin;; 
 Author's disposition towards the Law. — The mother's 
 nails. — Author absconds precipitutcl; . — Blind man's 
 Buff.— A pretty Eulogiuro. 
 
CHAPTER I. 
 
 Kind mrm'ry, come, assist me what to say. 
 Of time pa-sM by, time once to me so dear; 
 I'll seek tl»y tomb at morn and closing day, 
 And wet each oflfcr'd flow ret with a (for.* 
 
 CouTiTiiOus TIeader! I am sorry I can- 
 not inform you if my fiisl visit to this 
 mighty orb was upon the anniversary of 
 any great or particular day, or if Phoebus 
 in his golden curricle blazed with unusual 
 splendor, or if Cynthia in her silver gig 
 smiled with increase of joy, or if thunder- 
 thumping Jove played his loud artillery 
 with whizzing exultations througli the 
 
 * Lei Dees set det arts toutetfiUes de me'moire ne noui aver- 
 tissent-elles pas, nussi bien que Locke^ que iinus ne pouwms 
 sam memoire avoir le moindre jugtment, la moitidre etincclU 
 d^esprit? 
 
 MONS. DB Vot. 
 
 B 2 
 
XIFE OV 
 
 skies, or if the Lord-High- Admiral of the 
 Deep brandished his three-forkt sceptre as 
 ;he cantered his finny hack through the 
 surging tides, or if Boreas cracked his 
 sweUing cheeks with heaven-fanning blasts, 
 or if the feathered minstrels of the air 
 'Chii;ped in. chorus upon their sprays, or if 
 the scaly legions of th-e :flood sported on 
 the trembling wave, or if shouts of joyful 
 acclamations rent the yielding skies, or if 
 *^ all nature wore a .univer-sal grin ;" this, I 
 say, I cannot inform you, because I am 
 ignorant of my birth-day; but I can ven- 
 ture to assert that the womb which bore 
 rae was safely delivered of i\s freight, and 
 that too not very many^h.unched yards from 
 the celebrated 
 
 *' Auburn! loveliest village of the plain, 
 
 ** Where health and plenty cheer'd the laboring 
 
 swain, 
 " Where smiling Spring its earliest visit paid, 
 " And 'parting Summer's ling'ring blooms delay 'd." 
 
 My life I owe, like the generality of Au- 
 thors, to decent parents • nay, 1 would even 
 £ay noble, for. 
 
PILL GARLICK. 5 
 
 ** That I was nobly born, allow you must, 
 
 " Chaste was my mother, and my father just/' 
 
 but, as it is not a sketch of their history, 
 only of that of their little modelj (your most 
 obedient humble servant) which I propose 
 to make, 1 shall leave them in peace and 
 quietness, unless particular circumstances 
 should oblige me to introduce them to- 
 your notice. 
 
 I have heard from satisfactory authority, 
 that so great was my eagerness to rush into 
 this curious world, 1 took no time to reflect 
 that new-born animals are for the most 
 part composed of gristle, and not of sturdy 
 bone, so that in this my impatience, by a 
 violent kick made at my fair deliverer, I 
 snapt one of my little thighs in two. ISot- 
 withstanding. this fracture, however. 
 
 Nurse Bridget in her life ne'er saw, she says, 
 A tidier, cleaner lad in all her days ; 
 I'm told the neighbours cried with huge- surprise, 
 A finer boy was never seen with eyes. 
 
 1 had not been long entrusted upon this 
 troublesome stage when that jilting jade 
 Fortune singled me out as a rare subject 
 
6 LIFE OF 
 
 to play her pranks upon, and I am inclined 
 to think every polite person must allow 
 her introduction to me was rather of the 
 ruder sort, seeing that nothing else would 
 please the capricious dame but to com- 
 liience by breaking my bones. For soon 
 after the little gristly member above men- 
 tioned recovered from its disaster, I was 
 one day in play with my sister Letty, (who 
 was at tliis time a youngling — and lambs 
 will frisk) she for something, or for no- 
 thing, kicked me down stairs, heels over 
 bead! My piercing shrieks soon attracted 
 Tsiurse Bridget to the spot whither I had 
 been sent flying, and when she picked me 
 up, " my little milk-white thigh (as she has 
 often since told me) hung dangling like a 
 straw from a sparrow's nest." It has been 
 "very wisely observed by Mr. Moses M^Gill, 
 that misfortunes seldom come alone : so in 
 this ease it was not sufficient that my up- 
 per leg should be again fractured, but it 
 must be in the very identical spot where 
 it had been recently a sufferer ; so to bed 
 I was carried to be tortured a few months 
 longer by the disciples of iEsculapius ; but 
 thank my stars, notwithstanding these 
 
PILL GARLICK. 7 
 
 early slippery tricks of Fortune, 1 have 
 hitheiio escaped the clutches of the faculty 
 tolerably well, and that, no doubt, makes 
 it so easy to account for the good health 
 1 have had the blessing to enjoy. 
 
 My little ivory pillar was in due tim^ 
 once more restored to its original solidity, 
 and 1 soon discovered the use of my 
 trarnplers, which every day and every hour 
 carried me into all the mazes of perplexing 
 mischief, but seldom or never carried me 
 out again without receiving in full, the 
 adequate, though unsought-for reward of 
 my untoward industry. 
 
 At a very early age, I (or rather my pa- 
 rents) made choice of the knotty law for 
 my profession, and in order to receive a 
 suitable education they sent me to the 
 Reverend Doctor Scuitlebreechum's school 
 at Dungarvan, it being then considered 
 the first in the island. I can't say that I 
 ever experienced much difficulty in any 
 study 1 applied myself to, but that was 
 so seldom, (pte sans temerite je ne puis nien 
 vanter! All the flogging, fasting, solitary 
 confinements, and divers other punish- 
 ments that were inflicted on me, qooBuid 
 
5 LIFE OF 
 
 SO very habitual that I cared not a goose- 
 berry for the severest; I studied with much 
 more eagerness how to become a ])roficient 
 in the different school amusements than in 
 the law ; bow to knuckle my taw in shoot- 
 ing marbles gave me greater concern than 
 u repetition of the whole of Lilly's gram- 
 mar. Apropos^ I was tolerably wcM 
 
 versed in Lilly's grammar (as you shall 
 iind on future occasions) before I went 
 to school, my father having taken great 
 pains to teach it to me, and Miss V ilk ins 
 (my si&ter's governess) who had my future 
 welfare exceedingly at heart, took still 
 greater pains to impress it upon my mind, 
 by obliging me to repeat lessons from it 
 three or foar times a day, a wet Sunday 
 not excepted, and for every word I missed,, 
 tap, tap, rap ! went the centre digit of her 
 light hand upon the globe of my under- 
 standing I a punishment whieh J dreaded 
 more than all others, and which she never 
 failed to accompan}^ with the folloAing 
 consolatory citation :— " Quid ettim for what> 
 juvahii will it profit, docuisse to have taught, 
 si if, non premis thou dost not print, verba 
 mea my \voxds,^rmo pectore in sure memo- 
 
PILL GARLICK. ''^ 
 
 ry ; et and, qucccitmque whatsoever, reddis 
 lliou repeatest, 7ni/ii to me, discanfur ad un- 
 qiiem let them be learned at the finger's 
 ends." 
 
 Ye who, from curiosity or other more 
 Laudable motives, chance to trot over these 
 pages, will here perhaps pull up to enquire, 
 how in tlie name of Cupid I could the de- 
 licate finger of a female prove so dreadful 
 to the pericranium of a lough-paied school- 
 boy ? Know then, my courteous reader! 
 that this redoubtable member used on those 
 occasions to be well armed with an instru- 
 ment whose extremity is^ tipped with the 
 hardest steel ; I dare venture to assert that 
 all my little brothers and sisters, videlicet, 
 Bhrney, Larry, Davy, Simon, Diggory> 
 Letty, and Lucinda, (G^d bless us ail !) 
 would if called upon attest that the above 
 mentioned centre digit of th(2 delicate Miss 
 Vilkins's, thus clad in armour, caused them 
 to scratch and whine in those days just as 
 much as it did me : ainsL rrrace au doiirt 
 de milieu de Mademoiselle for having, so well 
 acquired Gidielmi LilliCs nionit<fpedagogica» 
 
 I have said I preferred school amuse- 
 ments to school studies; indeed, pour hicti 
 B 5 
 
^0 LIFE OF 
 
 ^ire la vcrite, I never applied my mind to 
 any one of the classics* (for you must 
 Iviiovv 1 began two or three of the classics: 
 indeed ray style and language must con- 
 Tince you of that) with half so much assi- 
 duity as I did to the charming insignifi- 
 cancies of whip-top, peg-top, foot hall, 
 rackets, shuttlecock, prison bars, stag, 
 three-hole-span, leap frog, tig, (that's a 
 pretty game) follow the leader, all in the 
 bary, and ten thousand others just as good. 
 Above all, I should not omit mentioning 
 how very expert I was in scaling walls, 
 (garden walls for instance) getting in and 
 out of windows, and all sorts of corporeal 
 elasticities so prophetic of the future abi- 
 lities of a sailor, I had also a wonderful 
 jrage for dancing upon window-stools, an 
 amusement, however, which was nearly put 
 a stop to in consequence of a severe re- 
 
 * ** Qui nou didicit he that hath not learned, scripta 
 ^arissima the most famous \\ri tings, vtterum virorum of an- 
 cient men, c^ and, uwciores authors, ques v. hich, turha latina 
 the better s )rt of latinists, docxt teacheth, ut as, rirgUius 
 Virgil; Cicero Cicero, vidit h ith seen, nit nothing, prceter 
 aflmnia but dreams, ei an 1, certat striveth, vivtre tolive^ in 
 ienebris Cimmeriis in great ignorance,'* 
 
PILL GARLICK. ' 1 1 
 
 proof from Uncle Joe. This interesting 
 event, from the very close affinity it bears 
 to my private history, is worthy of being 
 recorded. One morning after breakfast 
 when Uncle Joe was returning from his 
 customary short walk, he heard a voice 
 attuned to sweetest melody, singing that 
 simple strain,— 
 
 " Eh, my chicken, my chicken, and eh my chick- 
 en my deary, 
 
 " Get ye gone Raw-head and Bloody-bones, here's 
 a child don't fear ye." 
 
 Now you know, according to Joe Miller, 
 
 " The man who bath no music in himself, 
 
 " And is not mov'd with concord of sweet sounds, 
 
 " Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils," 
 
 Uncle therefore stopped with attentive 
 and delighted ear to listen, gently turning 
 his eyes towards Heaven, \yhenceihe " sweet 
 sounds'* appeared to him to proceed;, 
 but ere the rays of vision had beamed 
 upon the vast expanse, he espied the 
 cherub whose warbling had arrested his 
 attention, 1 was perched upon the 
 
12 LIFE OF 
 
 Stool of one of the garret windows ! Un- 
 cle Joe either feared to call owt lest the 
 then harsh tone of his threatening voice 
 should produce, in so perilous a situation, 
 too violent a shock on my tender nerves, 
 or charmed with what he- heard — for as 
 Armstrong says, — 
 
 " There is a charm, a power that sways the 
 
 breast, 
 " Bids ev'ry passion revel, or be still, 
 " Inspires with uige, or all your cares dissolves ; 
 *' Can soothe distraction, and alnaost despair 1 
 " That pow'r is music." 
 
 However this may he, there he stood 
 speechless for some moments — his heart 
 ]>eat time — every nerve vibrated : presently 
 recovering himself, he stole on tip toe 
 round the garden wall, into the house, and 
 proceeded up stairs to the door of my gar" 
 ret, — there his presence of mind gave a 
 proof of its commanding powers, — his sud- 
 den intrusion might have put an end to 
 my singing for ever ! — he therefore pru- 
 dently remained behind the door, demo- 
 lishing the nails off his fingers, hut whether 
 from anxiety to grapple my ears, or from 
 
PILL GARLICK. 13 
 
 apprehension of seeing me disappear in a 
 Somerset^ I cannot at this distance of time 
 positively declare; however^ afraid to ad- 
 vance, and unwilling to recede, there lie 
 stood once more, stock still, eyeing me all 
 the time through the space between the* 
 door and the jamb. Unconscious of hav 
 ing so closely attracted Uncle Joe's atten- 
 tion, I sung on till I was tired, but not till 
 then did I think proper to come to a finale. 
 In the act of withdrawing I had hardly 
 conveyed the heavy end* of my body Sfvfe 
 within the. window, when Oh! treachery I 
 like a tyger upon an innocent lamb, he 
 sprang from his concealment, and seizing 
 me by the breeches! with the triumphant 
 exclamation of — •' ah! ha! my lad, I've 
 caught you at last, have Ir*' and in the 
 twinkling of an eye inverted my upright 
 position, in which attitude he soon made 
 me strike up in another tone, while he beat 
 double quick time upon that part of Na- 
 ture's work which modesty indeed requires 
 to be concealed, but- which througlv the 
 interstices of my mis-called thickset breech - 
 
 ♦ Query » Which end ? 
 
14 I-IFE OF 
 
 es, presented a naked though blushing 
 front to the reiterated smacks of my Uncle 
 Joe's rude and weighty palm, *' Feregit 
 he performed, rem the matter, mira celerilate 
 with wonderful speediness." Then stretch- 
 ing my ears to their utmost powers of 
 elasticity, he left me with this short ex- 
 tempore, 
 
 *' Take that." 
 
 I jogged on at Doctor Scuttlebreechum's 
 school for days, months, and years, until at 
 length the class I was in, was upon the 
 point of entering college. My mother of 
 course expected soon to see me decorated 
 in the cap and gown, those sable emblems 
 of book-turning assiduity; but having by 
 chance previously enlarged the circle of my 
 acquaintance, a grand revolution took place 
 in the whole system of my former pettifog- 
 ing ideas. 
 
 " Ignavi idle boys, cito deterrentur arc soon dis- 
 couraged, d dicendo from learning/' 
 
 It was in the Christmas vacation, that I 
 some how or another scraped up an inliaiacy 
 with two midshipmen. 
 
PILL GARLTCK. 15 
 
 " The) talked of such things, 
 ** As if sailors were Kings/' 
 
 Their sea rhetoric moreover was so per- 
 suasive and fancy-tickling, that from that 
 time I began to think school one of the 
 stupidest places upon the face of the earth. 
 But what had made most impression on me, 
 was the dashing appearance of these sea- 
 ploughing heroes ; tlieir bewitcljing naval 
 uniforms compared to my humble brown 
 thicksets, out at the knees, breech, and 
 elbows, — their large cocked hats, cockades, 
 and gold loops, compared to my modest 
 leather cap neatly bound round wiih tor- 
 toise-bhell-cat-skin, — their silk cravats inge- 
 niously twisted round the throat, comfort- 
 ably concealing their chins, compared to 
 my bare neck and shoulders ; — their swords, 
 belts, and breastplates ; these were the irre- 
 sistible allurements which counterbalanced 
 all the sage philpsophy, the worthy doctor 
 had ineffectually endeavoured to inculcate 
 through one seat of my understanding into 
 the other. 1 also knew I should get rid of 
 a check apron which I wore in those days, 
 ^nd which may be described as follows. 
 
I6 
 
 LIFE OF 
 
 I used to wear to keep mc from the dirt, 
 A robe of blue, yclept a Carter's shirt ; 
 This nasty garment my whole frame embraced, 
 Tyed by two running strings about my waist, - 
 It served, tlio'fuU of holes, of darns and Stilches, 
 To guard from filth and grease my thickset 
 breeches* 
 
 A small circumstance is sufficient to de* 
 terniine the mind when it is already strong- 
 predisposed in favour of any pursuit ; so that 
 when about this period the news arrived 
 of the immortal Nelson's victory off the 
 moulh of the Nile^ and I heard that he had 
 been a Midshipman, 1 resolved to be one 
 too. But how disclose the desperate reso- 
 lution to my mother? — this was indeed a 
 matter of solemn importance — a mother 
 who had so often asked me if I still deter- 
 mined tu study for the bar, and upon my 
 answer s6 confidently in the affirmative, 
 always 'commenced building castles in the 
 air; to-dry she saw me Attorney General- 
 to-morrow Lord Chief Justice j the day 
 after Lord Chancellor ; in shorty I was to be 
 many degrees higher than the highest law- 
 giverlhat ever wore ^ -wig since the days of 
 
PILL GARLICK. 17 
 
 Lycurgus! To think I should ascend to 
 these dignities by dint of erudition and 
 abilities at tlie bar was to her a most pleas- 
 ing reflection; ^^g^j ^o change, exchan2;e 
 or alter my profession, could not fail to 
 displease, oflend^ or disgust the mother, as 
 much as it pleased^ contented, and delighted 
 the son. 
 
 But can you one of that description find, 
 \Vho in his life has' never changed his mind ? 
 Or who can say downright, 1 shall not alter ? 
 A saint, called Peter*, once was known to faulter. 
 
 Now as I never was suspected for a saint 
 I thought it a tolerable good opportunity 
 to give vent to my inclination, and get rid 
 of idle school and scourging schoolmasters, 
 and in one moment become a royal sea^ 
 fighting officer. How delightful, thought I, 
 will it be, instead of sneaking along in those 
 odious thicksets, crowned with a dirty lea- 
 ther cap, to strut up and down armed cap- 
 a-pie in a Reefer's full uniform I The gold- 
 en prospect of pay! was a wonderful in- 
 
 ♦ Not Peter Pindar, though perhaps I am indebted to 
 Mm for the salt of the above lines. 
 
18 LIFE OF 
 
 ducemeni*; to shirk from school — six pound 
 seven shillings and some pence sterling, per 
 annum, for the honour and glory of fighting 
 upon the high seas for one's King and Coun- 
 try, is surely what no enterprising youth 
 could possibly resist; when I compared the 
 situation of an eye-conquering Midshipman 
 to that of a submissive, apish school-boy, 
 habited as I have described, with a weekly 
 stipend of two pence halfpenny ! (the odd 
 halfpenny of which was always charitably 
 retained by old Scuttlebreechum for the 
 poor box on the Sabbath day), I often 
 wondered how ihere could be in the world 
 such a thing as a school boy. All the 
 powers of the most finished orator, could 
 not have been able to prove to me any 
 reasonable comparison, between a Midship- 
 man and a Lord Chancellor. I flattered 
 myself that there was but one smooth plea- 
 sant path to travel to arrive at all the gloriefB 
 of a sea life, and had been instructed, that 
 where honour directs the helm, fame sel- 
 
 ♦ ** i4njor the love, nummi of money, crescit encreaseth, 
 quantum as much as, faye twice as much !) ipsa peciinia the 
 money itself, crescit encreaseth.'' Monita Pedagogica, 
 
PILL GARLICK. IQ 
 
 dom fails to accompany the voyage: where- 
 as 1 had somewhere informed myself, that 
 there are no less than five intricate roads to 
 travel before you can arrive at half the 
 honours of the Bar; firstly the beginning, 
 or incipiendum ; secondly the uncertainty, 
 or dubitandum ; thirdly, delay, or puzzlien* 
 dum ; UiuxMy , replication without endum, 
 and fifthly, momtrum et horrendiun. Law is 
 like a country dance, people are led up and 
 down till ihey are tired. Law is like physic, 
 lliey that take least of it are best off; it is 
 also like bad weather, for folks are happy 
 when they get out of it. Nay, I have been 
 further assured, 
 
 ** That both the combat may sustain, 
 " And neither the advantage gain, 
 ** But when 'tis o'er and judgment given 
 ** The scales may prove so just and even, 
 " That each may venture to make oath 
 " The law*s impartial to them both, 
 *' When both in rags their folly rue, 
 ** The victor and the vanquished too," 
 
 Que le diable Vemporte done ! 
 I determined, the first opportunity that 
 
2o 
 
 LIFE OF 
 
 should occur upon disclosing to my mother, 
 the sudden aversion [ had taken to the law, 
 and the equally sudden passion 1 had taken 
 for the sea; indeed I had but a few days 
 remaining for this awful disclosure, as va- 
 cation or funny-time was on the wing, and 
 Yocation, or whipping time drawing oq 
 apace. 
 
 ^ly anxiety on this head was soon relieved in 
 the following manner; One day, my mother 
 sitting by chance, (as was her custom,*) in 
 her favourite arm chair in the street draw* 
 ing room, a small green table with a yellow 
 japanned writing desk before her, and in 
 her hands a frock of Letty's or Lucinda's, 
 (1 declare 1 do not exactly remember which,) 
 but with it she was industriously amusing 
 herself by ripping out the tucks, and con- 
 cealing the various rents with her needle 
 and thread ; and at the same time humming 
 over the much admjied air of "merrily 
 dance the quaker's wite, merrily dance the 
 quaker" — in the middle of the room agree- 
 ing and disagreeing, 
 
 * " Ibatnfortt via sacra sicut met^s est moSs' 
 
PILL GARLICK, 21 
 
 ^' Like dogs that snarl about a bone, 
 
 " And play together when they've none.*' , 
 
 Simon and Digg'ry, merry hopeful sprigs, 
 Lay sprawling on the tloor like youngling pigs 
 Kicking, frisking, romping, tumbling over, 
 With scarce a rag their bare fat B — s to cover, 
 For e'en (like mine,) their breeches torn to tatters, 
 
 Could hardly hide to say it, little matters* ; 
 
 Happy as magpies that in summer pair, 
 And chatter out their loves devoid of care. 
 Thus did these brats, so frolicsome and gay, 
 Laughing and squabbling pass their hours away. 
 
 ♦ Ccst en laissairtt deiiner une partie de ta pevsf'e qu*(ni 
 appellejinesse, delicatessey ct cette maniere at d'autayit pluf 
 tgreabUf qu'elle exerce et qu'ellejalt valoir Pesprit des autres, 
 
 VOLTAIRK, 
 
 -I insert here, a few lines fVom an author of sAmn repute, 
 that the reader may judge whether they, or the lines in ihe 
 ■context approach nearer to the true sublime; my own 
 opinion, let me add, is immutably fixed— let the candid 
 reader pronounce his or hers. 
 
 Nor those mysterious parts were then concealed; , 
 
 Then was not guilty shame, dishonest shame 
 
 Of Nature's works, honour dishonourable. 
 
 Sin-bred, how have ye troubled all mankind 
 
 With shows instead, mere»hows of seeming pure, 
 
 And banished from man's life his happiest life. 
 
 Simplicity and spotless innocence ! 
 
 So pass'd they naked on, nor shunn'd the sight 
 
 Of God or Angel, for they thought no ill. 
 
 So hand in hand tl.ey pass'd, the lovliest brvts 
 
 That ever since onjioors tn<rcther romped. 
 
 Par. Lost. 
 
^ LIFE OF 
 
 I, myself I, was gracefully seated at a 
 small mahogany table near the window, 
 drawing the battle of the Nile from fancy. 
 Thus were we all arranged, when I took it 
 into my head that it was a favourable oppor- 
 tunity of revealing my sentiments to my 
 mother. A long time passed away, how- 
 ever, before I decided upon what subjeci 
 or in what manner I should begin the con- 
 versation. At length 1 ventured to walk up 
 to her green table — I smiled. 
 
 How many lift the head, look gay, and smile, 
 Against their consciences \" 
 
 I walked back again to my mahogany 
 table — I sighed, 
 
 " A deep fetched breath, which seemed of power 
 
 to kill 
 « The breast that held it." 
 
 I sat down — drew a cocked hat — rubbed 
 it out — got up — eat my middle finger nail 
 —sat down again. 
 
 This day, this very day, alas ! said I, 
 I fear Til make the best of mothers cry : 
 
PILL GARLICK. £3 
 
 All her fond wishes will this day be crossed. 
 And the Chancellor's wig to the dev^il tossed. 
 She long has hoped to see me at the bar, 
 But little thinks I mean to be a tar. 
 Oh ! noodle that I am ! may I be ciirst 
 If I know what word to begin with first. 
 
 I then jumped up a second time, and 
 <h-ew near to my mother's chair. Fifty 
 thousand different questions did I ask, and 
 answered all myself, for my mother's atten- 
 tion was entirely occupied with ilie frock, 
 and " Merrily dance the quaker*s wife." 
 
 Presently, fearing that she might take 
 notice of the confusion that overwhelmed 
 me, I commenced singing very tastily the 
 following stanzas, to the tune of the 
 ^' Country Bumpkin," hardly conscious at 
 the time how much in point they were. 
 
 ** Lawyers are for Bedlam fit, 
 Or they never 
 Could endeavour 
 Half the rogueries to commit 
 Which we're so majd to let 'em. 
 Poets madmen are no doubt, 
 
24 LIFE OF 
 
 With projectors. 
 And directors ; 
 Women are all mad throughout, 
 And man more mad to get 'em." 
 
 I know not how long I would have sting 
 if my mother had not interrupted me with 
 ** What's that you're saying my dear?" I 
 •answered, *^ Nothing ma'am." The busin&ss 
 having now unexpectedly assumed a tan^ 
 gible shape, I resolved to make my attack, 
 and thus began : 
 
 l^ed, A fine day to day ma'am, hem, 
 hem ! 
 
 Mother. Yes my dear. — —"Merrily dance 
 the Quaker's wife, merrily dance the Quar 
 ker." 
 
 Ned, A very hot day to day ma'am- 
 hem, heugh, heugh. 
 
 Mother. Yes my dear. '^ Merrily dance 
 
 the Quaker's wife, merrily dance the Qua- 
 ker." 
 
 Ned, Don't you think Admiral Nelson 
 a very great man, ma'am ? 
 
 Mother, Indeed 1 do, my dear 1)oy, and 
 so does every body else ; I am sure you do 
 for one f 
 
VILL GARLICK. 25 
 
 Ned. Indeed I do ma am. — Now praj, 
 ma'am, was Admiral Nelson once a little 
 midshipman, like tlie dear little fellows we 
 meet so often in the Square, and who are al- 
 wa3's so nicely dressed? he! ha! he! he! 
 
 Mother. Indeed my dear I suppose so ; 
 l)ut what is there to laugh at? 
 
 Ned, Oh! nothing ma*am ; he! hi I 
 Who knows but we may in time see illu- 
 minations for them as well as for Nelson. 
 
 Mother, It is by no means impossible;— 
 \\'e may hear of their naval exploits when 
 you are discussing some great and impor* 
 tant subject, or when you are Lord Chief 
 Justice 
 
 Ned, Pheugh hi ! ho ! (t/ati'mng*.) 
 
 Mother. What upon earth is the matter 
 with you, child ? 
 
 Ned, Oh! nothing at all, ma*am ; 1 am 
 only thinking how proud they will be when 
 the shouts of the mob echo in their ears,— 
 ^ long live the brave admiral" • 
 
 Mother, Aye, aye, but conceive \\hata 
 comfort it will be, when I am grown old 
 and grey, to see Lord Chief Justice Ned 
 
 • The Reader has likewise liberty to yawn. 
 c 
 
2^ tIFE OF 
 
 going to the '' Four Courts/' in his long 
 black robes and powdered curly wig. 
 Shouts of the mob indeed I — conceive how 
 the whole nation will exult in admiration 
 of Lord Chief Justice Ned*s talents ! 
 
 'Ned, (There she goes again ! [said I to 
 myself] I wish this tete a tete conversatioa 
 was over, with all my heart. — I never felt 
 in such a quandary in all my days.) — I 
 then continued : Don't you think the Navy 
 a very honorable profession, ma'am ? 
 
 Mother, Oh yes, to be sure, my dear, 'tis 
 -very honourable, and tlie first in the world, 
 after the Law. 
 
 Ned, Do you really, ma*am, tliink a 
 Lawyer above an Admiral ? 
 
 Mother, Merrily dance the quaker's wife, 
 merrily dance the quaker. 
 
 Ned, I should like very much to be a— 
 <0h! night fall on me ! I shall blush to 
 death!) 
 
 Mother. Merrily dance the quaker's wife, 
 merrily dance, 8cc 8cc. 
 
 Ned, I wish ma'am that you were as 
 fond of the Navy as you are of the Bar, 
 it would make me very happy, and 
 
 Mother, La, la, la, la, la, iaa, la, la, mer- 
 rily dance the quaker. 
 
fILL 6ARLICK. V 
 
 Ned, Do you know, ma'am, some how 
 or other, I should like to be a midshipman? 
 
 Mother. Yes, yes, but you would much 
 rather be a good lawyer ; eh ! my dear, 
 would you not much rather be a nice law- 
 yer, eh ? 
 
 NeJ. Indeed, ma'am, I don't think I 
 vould, ma'am. 
 
 Mot/ter, What do you say, my dear? 
 
 Ned. Why — some how — ma'am — I — 
 don't — think I like the law. 
 
 Mother, What in the name of goodness 
 has put this into your head ? I don't un- 
 derstand you ! 
 
 Ned, 1 hke the Navy, ma'am, — ^just a? 
 well as the Law, ma'am. 
 
 Mother. You don't mean to say you'll 
 give up a profession which you have so 
 long given me hopes of seeing you flourish 
 in? 
 
 Ned, Indeed, indeed, ma'am, 1 think a 
 midshipman — nearly aa — good — as — a— 
 lawyer. 
 
 Mother, What's that you say, sir? speak 
 upi sir I 
 
 Ned. I — don't — think I love the — law-— 
 ma'am. (These words 1 pronounced in a 
 € 2 
 
£8 LIFE OF 
 
 low, tnumpisb, drawling whine ; however 
 i:hey found an easy entry into the " hearing 
 ^jortals" of my mother's understanding.) 
 
 Mother. You don't Hke the law? — you 
 idon't like the law ? — what do you mean r— 
 go out of my sight ! (tlirowing the frock out 
 of her hands) — you don't like the law? — 
 
 you little a — a 1 was sneaking off as slily 
 
 as possible when my poor, dear, surprised, 
 angry mother called me back ; then bid 
 me go away ; then come back ; — *' go 
 away — come back — no — go — come — yes — 
 ^it down here you little idle puppy-dog." — 
 I returned with all the beseeming gravity 
 and gloomy composure that I could muster 
 upon such an awe-infusing occasion ; pull- 
 ed my handkerchief out of my breeches 
 pocket, and applied it occasionally to dry 
 up three or four dissembling tears, which 
 my tender-hearted parent mistook for a 
 true, weeping, penitential, remorse ; I seat- 
 ed myself beside her. according to orders, 
 upon a rush chair, with so deep fetched 
 and melting a sigh, that she instantly 
 seized the opportunity to work upon my 
 apparently pensive and sorrowful mind. 
 1 listened, or affected to listen, to a long 
 
PILL GARLICK, 29 
 
 remonstrance against all the miseries at- 
 tending a sailor's life, and to an ela- 
 borate declamation upon all the honours 
 and comforts attending a lawyer's; at length 
 she summed up the harangue by observing 
 how displeased all my family would be to 
 hear of this rash, idle, inconsiderate, pre- 
 posterous, pernicious, blundering frolic of 
 mine, as sli>e was pleased to term it. 1 was 
 not, I confess, so attentive as in all pro- 
 bability I appeared to be, for my mother's 
 thimble happening to drop occasioned an 
 extraordinary itching on my skull, which 
 put me in mind of a long task Miss Vilkins 
 desired me to prepare for her before din- 
 ner time; this task I was repeating to my* 
 self, and had just got as far as " we credaa 
 believe not, mulkri a woman, ne mortucc 
 quideni not though she be dead," when my 
 mother put the question whether or not I 
 meant to disappoint her in the choice of 
 my profession : a minute and a half dead 
 silence occurred ; my mother fondly ima- 
 gined that J was preparing a dutiful reply 
 in the negative to her question, but 1 was 
 only repeating my task ; and surely I was 
 not to bjame ; for Lilly's grammar instruct- 
 
GO LIFE OF 
 
 cd me sapi oftentimes, recogiioscas do ibon 
 repeat, tidi to thjself, lecta things read, que 
 and, revohas meditate of them, animo in 
 thy mind." •* Now tell me, Ned," says 
 my mother, (judging I had taken sufficient 
 time to consider) *' tell me, after all I have 
 repeated and repeated, do you mean to 
 renounce the lawr" I answered with a 
 fouhering voice, '* I — I — don't like it, 
 ma'am." 
 
 *^ Now think before you speak." 
 
 *' I shall, ma^am." 
 
 *' ril give you time to reflect." 
 
 '' Thank'e raa*am." 
 
 *' It is a question which requires serious 
 meditation." 
 
 '' Yes ma'am." 
 
 '* I am sure when you reflect you*lI per- 
 ceive your error." 
 
 '^ Certainly ma'am." 
 
 " Have you seriously reflected f" 
 
 " I believe so, ma'am." 
 
 " Are you sure r" 
 
 " Yes ma'am," 
 
 ^ Are you determined r" 
 
 ^ Yes ma'am." 
 
 *• Upon studying for the Jaw r'* 
 
PILL CARIICK. M 
 
 " Ma am r" 
 
 *' Think well before you answer." 
 
 ** I shall ma'am." 
 
 " Think once for all." 
 
 ^" I do ma'am." 
 : '/ Upon what r 
 '' The sea ma am." 
 
 " You will go into the sea r" 
 
 "If you please ma'am.'* 
 
 " Not to be borne! go out of my sight! 
 go up stairs! go along! leave the room! 
 off with you ! never let me see your brazen 
 face again, you Utile incorrigible monkey !* 
 
 I soon readied the door, and disap- 
 peared, I confess with more joy than 
 otherwise, for I was iu momentary 
 apprehension of my mother's nails, that 
 appeared very anxious to scrape acquain- 
 tance with my ears. My absence, how- 
 ever, by no means impeded the volubility 
 of her tongue, the unruly rattling of which 
 might have been heard very distinctly by 
 organs less sensible than mine, the whole 
 way up to the nursery, where 1 innocently 
 joined my brothers in a game of blind- 
 man's buff; and whenever we stopped to 
 
-32 LIFE OF 
 
 tie the handkerchief over th^ eyes I took 
 the opportunity of singing 
 
 "' Lfit her rant if she will, 'tis but folly to sorrow, 
 " If a storm comes to day, why a calm comes 
 to-morrow/' 
 
 With my to! de rol lol de rol, &c. 
 
 And now, ^' Courteous Reader/' although 
 my inflexible partiality to a midshipman's 
 uniform put my mother a little out of sorts, 
 let me observe, that the mother never yet 
 lived who exceeded mine in kindness, in 
 affection, in never ceasing solicitude for 
 every one of her children; she was one of 
 those 
 
 ■ whose aulhority, in show 
 
 " When most severe, and mustVing all its force, 
 
 ** Was but the graver countenance of love ; 
 
 ** Whose favour, like the clouds of Spring, might 
 
 low'r, 
 ** And utter now and then an awful voice, 
 '* But had a blessing in its darkest frown, 
 ** Threatening at once, and nourishing the plant.** 
 
 I have my doubts if I (as one of her 
 *' plants,") can conclude this chapter with 
 a belter or more suitable quotation than 
 the following : 
 
PILL GARLICK. 33 
 
 '< We loved, but not enough, the gentle hand 
 " That rearM us. At a thoughtless age, allur'd 
 " By every gilded folly, we renounced 
 " Her sheltering side, and wilfully forewent 
 " That converse which we now in vain regret; 
 " How gladly would the Mmi recall to life 
 ** The Bofs neglected Sire ! a Mother too, 
 ** That softer friend, perhaps more gladly still T' 
 
 € 9 
 
ARGUMENT, 
 
 Author loses his share of pudding.— The Lord Bacon,— 
 The dinner table, — Two sisters vainly endeavour to 
 dissuade their brother from the sea. — Author's thickset 
 garments exchanged for a full suit of second cloth naval 
 uniforms. —Miss Vilkins generously consoles him under 
 a melancholy misfortune. — Death of a favourite of the 
 canine species, — Pleasant remarks upon the animal's 
 birth, parentage, education, death, and burial. — In- 
 vokes the Parnassian girls to no purpose. — Apollo turns 
 out to be a blind fidler — and how. — Author resolves 
 to write in verse in spite of all the lads and lasses of 
 rhyme — and why. — Describes his mother's regret with 
 exceeding pathos. — Ceremonious and gloomy obsequies 
 in honor of the dog. — An arsy-varsy scene, i. e. a com- 
 plete inversion of capitals and fundamentals. — Author 
 talks latin, — Fop's epitaph. — Author fears detection in 
 .stealing ao elegy.— Concludes the chapter vrith the Sun, 
 
25 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 p. 
 
 •* Creatures of every kinJ but ours, 
 ** Will comprehend their natural pawcn, 
 •* Whilst we, whom reason ought to sway, 
 *• Mistake our talents every day." 
 
 A HE scene represented about the ending 
 of the preceding chapter happened oq 
 Thursday ; we always had for dinner on 
 that day, as well as on Sunday, a largel 
 rice pudding, and well do I remember the 
 pains I took in snuffing up it's savoury ex- 
 halations as I politely handed round the 
 plates, when copiously filled, to my con- 
 tented brothers and sisters. Alas ! this 
 was all my portion oq that momentous 
 day ! 
 
 I once saw upon my grandfather's table 
 a neatly bound pretty little book, entitled,, 
 '/ Essays, Moral, Economical, and PolitU- 
 
36 LIFE OF 
 
 cal/' by Francis Bacon, Baron of Verulam, 
 Viscount St, Albans, and Lord High Chan- 
 lor of England* After having been suffi- 
 ciently amused with the pictures, 1 looked 
 to find out upon what subject my grandfa- 
 ther was reading. It happened to be upon 
 **^ Anger!" and thus ran the passage. " To 
 seek to extinguish anger utterly is but a 
 bravery of the Stoics. We have better 
 oracles ; ' Be angry but sin not : Let not 
 the Sun go down upon your anger.' An- 
 ger must be limited and confined, both in 
 race and in time." Upon consulting John- 
 son's dictionary I found that *' Stoic" is 
 defined to be '^ a Philosopher of the Sect 
 oFZeno", now according to this definition 
 of the w^ord 1 am of the same opinion I 
 ever was, viz. that my mother is no Stoic; 
 ergo, no philosopher of the sect of Zeno ; 
 indeed 1 have my doubts if she could with 
 propriety have been called a philosopher 
 of any sect, but merely what is termed a 
 ** Woman of the World," with as large a 
 share of beauty as commonly falls to the lot 
 of good sense and a general understanding.* 
 
 ♦It is a matter of doubt in the family ATliether I or nay 
 eldest sister resembles most the mother. 
 
PILLGARLICK. $7 
 
 That my abrupt renunciation of all the ho- 
 nours of the bar should have occasioned 
 her some little anj^er L am not now much 
 surprised at; but if she thought it was a 
 " sin** to bilk me out of my share of pud- 
 ding I am sure she would not have done 
 so; however, certain it is, she did not think 
 pudding time the proper time for '* limiting 
 and confining" her anger; indeed the above 
 mentioned Lord Chancellor says " Anger 
 reigns chiefly in women, children, old folks, 
 and sick folks." And again, that " tender 
 and delicate persons must needs be oft angry, 
 they have so many things to trouble them ;" 
 — now among these ** tender and delicate 
 persons" who " must needs be oft angry," 
 I am convinced that the Chancellor in- 
 cluded mothers, whose sons, in the very 
 face of their brightest hopes, prefer the sea 
 to the bar.— But to return to the dinner 
 table — 
 
 All gobbled as they sat at this collatiorj-, 
 Beef, pudding, bread, as good as in the nation. 
 Hungry as famished cats for bones of fishes, 
 Eager to poke their muzzles in the dishes ; 
 
38 LIFE OF 
 
 The brats stoop'd forward, and with open jaws, 
 Received the spoon half buried in their maws 1* 
 Poor half-starved Ned contented must appear, 
 For if he asks, he's answered on the ear. 
 " There! — take that! — set you up with such a 
 
 treat ! 
 " No. — Not one morsel shall you have t© eat !'* 
 Down hung my wat'ring chops in deep despair, 
 For eyes and nose were all that had a share. 
 
 The following morning Letty and Lucin- 
 da watched their opportunity to remon- 
 strate against this mad unpremeditated ca- 
 price of mine as they styled it (out of com- 
 pliment no doubt to my mother). Lucinda 
 first opened her sweet lisping lips some- 
 thing to the following effect. ^* Now my 
 dear Neddy, I am sure ; indeed I am quite 
 sure, that you do not mean to give poor 
 mamma so much pain as to resign so honour- 
 
 * " Several poets, and other writers possessed of no 
 natural Sublimity, or rather entire strangers to it, have 
 very frequently made use of common and vulgar terms, 
 that have not the least air of elegance to recommend 
 them ; yet by musically disposing and artfully connecting 
 such terms, they clothe their periods in a kind of pomp 
 and exaltation, and dexterously conceal their intrinsic 
 lowness,*» 
 
 JLONGINUS, 
 
PILL GARIICK. 39 
 
 able and so pretty a profession as the Law. 
 You know, my dear Ned, I always loved 
 you like a sister, and you are too good-na- 
 tured not to listen to my advice. — Now tell 
 the truAi, Neddy, is it not owing to the cock- 
 ed hats and swords of those nasty little mid- 
 shipmen that you have become all on a 
 sudden so mad for the sea ? and also— and 
 
 also " ^' And also what? — Eh miss? 
 
 — Will you just have the goodn,ess to hold 
 your prate. 
 
 Or that red head shall feel this stick. 
 And those plump buttocks get a kick. 
 Unless you stir your stumps, and so 
 Escape the rage of my great toe ; 
 Now dont provoke me by your stay, 
 But get you gone, miss, wliilst you may. 
 
 It required no more to send the well in- 
 tentioned Lucinda about her business, for 
 my dear Lu possessed, in the highest de- 
 gree, a placid unassuming gentleness of 
 manner ; the strongest characteristic of fe- 
 male excellence, and which never fails to 
 command due homage from her admirer, 
 Man. 
 
40 LIFE OF 
 
 ** With smile celestial see she moves along ! » 
 " And mocks th' exertions of descriptive song; 
 " Each smiling look a smiling mandate gives, 
 ** Each heart entranc'd the mandate soft receives. 
 " In proud submission thus her slaves obey, 
 " And own the raptures of her gentle sway." 
 
 She left me with a blush upon my face, 
 convicted by her gentleness, and but too 
 true consciousness of the causes that in- 
 ticed me to resign the Chancellor's wig. 
 Presently up came Letty, for whom I con- 
 fess I was not quite so good a match. 
 " So, so, Mister Jackanapes ! you must be 
 a sailor, must you ? — Cock you up with a 
 sword indeed ! !" — I plainly perceived that 
 she was determined to enforce these words 
 pugnis et calcibus, unguibus et rostra ! 
 
 Awhile I stood with fear and some surprise, 
 And on the threatening Letty fixed my eyes; — 
 But she, with arms a-kimbo, cried again, 
 " I tell you, master Ned, I'll crack your brain/* 
 Then quick as lightening seized me by the hair. 
 And hurl'd her foot like thunder on my rear. 
 Straight for the poker, quick I made a race. 
 But quicker she, and smack ! spit in my face. 
 
PILL GARLICK. 41 
 
 Tills serv'd as signal for still mightier shocks, 
 And spits and words soon turned to kicks and 
 
 knocks : 
 But what I dreaded most, (and just those fears,) 
 Was being headlong kicked again down stairs ! ! ? 
 This *twas, which made me take a sudden fright^ 
 And deem it wise to try a running fight. 
 In vain at speed, from room to room I fly ; 
 Close on my rear her active feet still ply, 
 And urge my flight!*— Pale Neddy leads the 
 
 chase, 
 Till seizM with shame he wheels about his face, 
 And strikes her, bang! just right behind the ear! 
 With — (what, for rhymef, we now shall call) a 
 
 spear. 
 This weapon from my tiny gripe she wrung, 
 And laid me sprawling on the floor along. 
 
 * ** When you infroditce thing;s past as actually pre- 
 sent, and in the moment of action, yon no longer relate 
 but display the very action before the eyes of yoor rea- 
 ders ; and making the hearer think himself actually present 
 and concerned in dajiger$, \^hen he is only attentive to 
 A recital of them, has a wonderful efftct," 
 
 LoNGiNus 07) the SubUme* 
 
 + "—Those that write in rhyme still make, 
 *< The one verse for the other's sake; 
 •* For, one for senfce, and one for rhyme, 
 *< Is quite sufficient at one time/* 
 
4^ LIFE or 
 
 Soon up again, from room to room we hie^ 
 My turn to follow, and her turn to fly. 
 Twice is the brother master of the field ; 
 Twice by the sister in his turn repell'd ! 
 Resolv'd at length to the third charge they ran^ 
 The Maiden He to conquer, — She the Man ! 
 Tongs, pokers, sticks, in heaps together lie, 
 Confus'd the fight, and more eonfus'd the cry I 
 Till in a narrow ring she made a race, 
 Again he flies, and she pursues the chase. 
 But closing soon on her exhausted foe. 
 She swings her foot, and rises to the blow ( 
 Full on my postic parts, with such a sway 
 As made me roar ! and own she won the day*-*» 
 Scar'd by the din, my sister Letty flew. 
 And with her — every spark of anger too. 
 For though the scene I've painted here so high, 
 *' Forc'd for a while each gentler guest to fly," 
 Yet how can long her gentle nature roam. 
 Within whose breast each virtue finds a home ? 
 
 I wish il to be cleaily understood, that I 
 do not mean at any time, but particularly 
 in this instance, to exercise the pernicious 
 talent of ridicule, so as to raise the blush 
 of modesty, or to poison the feast of hap- 
 piness*, if I had wit, I would rather make 
 
 ♦ Feast of happiness!— is it your book you mean P—a 
 ehanning feast indeed 11! 
 
PILL GARLICK. 4S 
 
 «se of it to play upon those I despise, than 
 to trifle with those I love. Indeed the 
 vivacity of childish days has proved in 
 this instance to be no sort of hindrance 
 to that amiable disposition which now 
 flows from as mild, good-natured, and gen- 
 tie a bosom as ever breathed with affec* 
 tionate sensibihty. Monsieur Le Brun, in 
 his excellent epistle '* mr la bonne et la 
 mauvaise plaisanterie" says, " // est un art 
 charmant d'amuser et de rireS' Now wlie* 
 ther I have the art, or not, it would be un- 
 becoming in me to decide; but what he sayt 
 afterwards i certainly wish to adhere to. 
 
 •* Vadresse est dc choisir le trait quon veuf lancer : 
 " QuHl ejieure en volant^ et pique sans bUsser^ 
 ** Fuyes done le sarcastne et ses ris indiscrets ; 
 *' L'amour propre offense ne pardontie jamais. 
 " Menag€K-lui toujours une heureusc rctraite^ 
 " Que I'ohjet du ban mot lui-meme le re pete*' 
 
 To say more on this occasion would be 
 superfluous ; to say less, would appear as if 
 I knew not how to pay that regard to 
 modest merit, which modest merit assuredly 
 deserves. I trust the reader will now excuse 
 
44 XIFE OF 
 
 a bit of a digression respecting one of the 
 most impudent and malicious vagaries, that 
 ever was played upon a gentleman Jiuthor. 
 
 Just after I composed the poem on that 
 tremendous battle which I have des- 
 cribed with all the powers of the most 
 smooth-flowing, ear-enamouring, sense-be- 
 reaving verse, that was ever sung or said 
 by the muse-inspired brethren!! 1 went 
 out by way of recreation for half an hour 
 to shoot sparrows, and when I returned to 
 my writing desk, (after having shot one 
 dead, and wounded three) I immediately 
 suspected that some curious meddlesome 
 person had been rummaging my books and 
 papers, as the " Complete Letter Writer'* 
 was carried off, and the " Rhyming Dicti- 
 onary, or Poet's Assistant," removed from 
 the place where I usually hid it, and indeed 
 where I imagined it was secure from all 
 detection. — I was excessively vexed^ — but 
 judge my indignation when 1 cast my eyes 
 upon the manuscript of this work, which I 
 was writing out in a fair hand for the press, 
 and discovered the following remarks writ- 
 ten on the back of a letter, and stuck with 
 a nasty black wafer underneath my poem 
 
VILL GARLICK. 45 
 
 of the battle, which I had just finished to 
 my very heart's content. 
 
 *' It must be manifest to any man of a 
 classical education and of common disceni- 
 ment, that the author of the above poem 
 has attempted to imitate tlie style of Mr. 
 Dryden, one of our celebrated poets; nay, 
 if I am not diabolically mistaken he has 
 pilfered whole sentences, whole verses, from 
 that gentleman's translation of a work, 
 written originally in the Latin tongue, and 
 attributed to one Pub. Virgilius Maro, an 
 Italian, who lived many years ago at Man* 
 tua, but afterwards retired to his hunting 
 box in the country, and passed a life of 
 piety and fishing. — (Classical education! 
 common discernment ! ! Och ! Oh ! what a 
 description of poor dear Virgil ! ! !) 1 am 
 convinced within my own mmd (continues 
 this lad of classical education, of common 
 discernment) that the author of the above 
 poem has had in his eye the whole of that 
 grand battle between the Latins and Tua* 
 cans, as described by Mr, Dryden, the said 
 translator of the said Pub. Vir. Mar. in his 
 eleventh book of the iEneis, as some call 
 it, (by way of a jcu de mot, no doubt, upon 
 
4fJ 1*1 FE OF 
 
 ** -^neas," a young man frequently men- 
 tioned throughout the poem.*) Now, the 
 heroine of the piece before me I take to 
 be his sister Letty, whose cliaracier bears 
 a striking resemblance to that of Camilla, 
 or (indeed as she was christened) Casmilla, 
 the heroine of the eleventh book above 
 mentioned ; and 1 have not the least scruple 
 in saying, that the author owes a vast deal 
 more to Camilla, or Casmilla, than to his 
 own invention, for that spirited manner in 
 which he has described Letty. His own 
 character he has worked up, I am willing 
 to confess, with a tolerable degree of inge- 
 nuity, out of several different characters, 
 which 1 take to be, Turnus, Tyrrhenus, 
 Aconteus, and most certainly Orsilochus, 
 for from him it is evident he filched the 
 idea of the rap he gives his sister on the 
 lug I'-^xempli gratia* 
 
 *' Orsilochus, who durst not press too near ) 
 " Strong Remulus j at distance drove his spear ;^ 
 ** And struck the steel beneath his horse's ear/ j 
 
 '* If I had Mr. Dryden before me I 
 * Classical education I Common discernment ! ! ! 
 
PILL garlick:. 47 
 
 could then follow him more miuutely through 
 the whole poem, and expose beyond all 
 doubt, the bare-faced robbery of this au» 
 dacious half coddled Poetaster^ 
 
 ^* Who tries in vain his spongy brain to squeeze, 
 ** Neglects the cream, and only saves the lees." 
 
 ** His own impotent imagination, incapa- 
 ble of giving birth to a rhyme, obliges 
 him to fix upon others to father his fulsome 
 distractions*, having heard no doubt, 
 
 ** How two heads are better than one it is said, 
 ** Though the brains were of asses, with skulls 
 " made of lead." 
 
 '' r shall now take my leave of him, but I 
 would have him mark well what I say at 
 parting. 
 
 " Let these remarks he published ! For 
 should he presume to conceal one word of 
 what I have wriUeu, Til blast his whole 
 work. 
 
 '' Vale, 
 
 '' A Friend." 
 
 • Classical education ! Commoa discernment ! ! ! ! 
 
48 MFE OF 
 
 '* Aimez qu'on vous conseilh, et non pas 
 quon "VOUS lone" says Monsieur Boileau, 
 Heavens! how much I ought to love the 
 friendly " conseilleur* of the above ! '* A 
 Friencr*!!! — by dad! 1 sHp|3ose it is the 
 Tery *' Friend" which the same Monsieur 
 B. so strongly recommends to all Poets f 
 
 •* Un sage ami, toujours rigoratx, irjiexibkf 
 «* Sur xosf antes jamais ne vous laisse paisible : 
 ** II ne pardonne point Ics endroits negliges ; 
 " II renvoie en lent lieu les vers mal arranges ; 
 ** II reprime des mots, Vambitievse emphase ; 
 " Id le sens le choque, et plus loin cest la phrase; 
 •* Voire construction semble un pen s'obftcurcir ; 
 '* Ce terme est equivoque ; il lefaut eclaircir, 
 *< C*est ainsi que vuus park un ami veritable," 
 
 Perhaps so , — however, I shall just say, 
 that whenever I go out for half an hour to 
 shoot sparrows, I shall not forget to hide 
 my books and papers in a more secure 
 place than I did my Poet's Assistant, and 
 my Complete Letter Writer. 
 
 But let that pass at present, lest 
 We should forget where we digrest. 
 
PILL GARLICK. 49 
 
 My mother, judging my determination 
 upon the sea irrevocable, was too indulgent 
 a parent to attempt to force me into a pro- 
 fession which I had persuaded myself I 
 disliked, and soon made up her mind, not 
 only to countenance my change, but to 
 confess that from mature deliberation, the 
 glories of the Navy were equal, if not su- 
 perior, to the honours of the Bar. In a 
 few weeks, through th« friendly interest 
 of an old sea-captain, I got my name and 
 rank of Volunteer, or *' Boy of the first 
 class,'* on board His Majesty's ship Van 
 Tromp, then lying in the Bay of Dublin. 
 My brown thicksets were at length changed 
 for a blue second cloth suit of Naval 
 uniforms; Lamprey, the notorious Irish 
 culler, furnished me with an instrument of 
 death called a dirk ; my uncle the general 
 made me a present of a cocked hat, that 
 had served him faithfully the whole cam- 
 paign in Holland, and I am informed like- 
 wise accompanied him on a voyage to the 
 West Indies and back again ; be that as 
 it may, I thought it mightily became my 
 brow, so accepted it with gratitude, heart- 
 ily wishing that the virtues of the head it 
 
 D 
 
^t) riFE OF 
 
 liad been accustomed to adorn might ac- 
 company the gift. And now the day ar* 
 xived that was to see me undergo a perfect 
 transmigration ! I need not remark how 
 much sooner I got up than usual; nor how 
 I hroke my shins across a stool in going 
 to open the window ; nor how in opening 
 that window I upset a quart bottle of wa- 
 ter; nor how 1 brushed my cocked hat ; 
 nor how 1 polished the handle of my dirk; 
 I need not teli you one word of these 
 preparations for my ** toilette," because 
 you may easily conceive them all. One 
 event, however, I must teJi you of, which 
 I thought would have choked me with rage 
 and disappointment. — I had gone on very 
 contentedly with my dressing, from bottom 
 to top, till I came to the throat, when lo ! 
 no cravat! no Wack silk handkerchief! the 
 hurry and bustle to prepare my accoutre- 
 ments had occasioned this neglect, — Sun- 
 day — all shops shut — what could be done ? 
 
 My misery here no pen can represent, 
 Suffice to say, down stairs I blubb'ring went, 
 And chanced to meet Miss Vilkins by the way,— 
 *' Pray vhat's the matter, Neddy? pray vhat now ? 
 
fJLL GARLICK, 51 
 
 « Vby look €0 surly ? vhy thai wrinkled brow ? 
 " So full of anguish, horror, and dismay ?" 
 
 I told lier all— sbe sighed, and made a pause,— 
 Then cried,—" Oh ! lucky thought ! I'll end the 
 
 cause 
 ** Of this sad tale of wretchedness and grief;'* 
 Flew to her drawers, and on her hams squat 
 
 down. 
 Soon from the bottom draggM an old silk gown, 
 From which was torn— my first neck handker- 
 chief!! 
 
 Up stairs I scampered* with this strip of 
 black silk in my hand, which elated my 
 spirits just as much as they had before been 
 depressed; " Je nageois dans la joie!*'-^ 
 After some time, I shall not say how long, 
 and after many buttonings and unbutton- 
 ings, I was at length completely equipped 
 cap-^-pie ; commeje fits beau ! Dieu ! comme 
 je jus beau cejour la I ! ! The day Gil Bias 
 was going to marry his last wife Dorothea, 
 
 •a light heart 
 
 ** Quickens the pace, and makes the foot alert, 
 *' It teachci it to mock the poet's art, 
 ** To move in numbers, and express the mind 
 *' In measured dance." 
 
 Hurdts. 
 D 2 
 
52 LIFE OF 
 
 he says, " Uenvie que f avers de ^^uroHre 
 agreahle me jit emploi^er trois bonnes heures 
 pour le mains, a m*ajuster, a m'adoniser, en- 
 core ne pus-je parvenir a me rendre content 
 de ma personnel — Now the difference be- 
 tween us was very material, because I suc- 
 ceeded to my very heart's content in 
 adorning my person ; so much so, that when 
 the weighty job was finally concluded, I 
 could not refrain from the following burst 
 of admiration. 
 
 '^ Tis now three or four hours since I 
 'gan to dress myself; I have at last suc- 
 ceeded ; and surely never appeared before 
 this glass (which I hardly took my eyes 
 from) a more delightful vision I" I was 
 seen strutting down stairs, admiring and 
 cheering the elevated sphere T just began 
 to move in; glittering hke the morning 
 star, full of Hfe, and splendour, and joy ! 
 Oh I what a revolution ! and what an ass 
 must I be, to contemplate without emotion 
 the difference 'tween a school boy and a 
 mid! Little did I dream when I told 
 my parent that I preferred the titles of a 
 sailor to those of an enthusiastic, wrangling 
 
PILL GAULICK. 53 
 
 lawyer, that she could ever be induced to 
 receive me again to her bosom. Little did 
 I dream that I should have received such 
 indulgence from her while a mere school- 
 boy ; an idle boy, and a scape grace 1 I 
 thought ten thousand slaps must have 
 smacked upon my ear, to avenge even a 
 look that threatened the law with dislike. 
 But the age of a school-boy is gone! that 
 of a jolly sea-fighting midshipman 'has 
 succeeded, and all thoughts of the bar 
 are extinguished for ever. Never, never 
 more, shall I behold that dirty pair of 
 breeches, that tattered jacket, thai greasy 
 leather cap, that hated waggoner's shirt, 
 which kept alive, even in good humour it- 
 self, the spirit of rebellion against the 
 wishes of my parent. The unbought cock- 
 ed hat, *' the cheap defence of nations,'* 
 (my little dirk!) the feel of manly senti- 
 ment and heroic enterprize is come ! It is 
 come, that sea-fighting principle, that dash- 
 ing bravery, which thinks nothing of a 
 wound, which inspires courage whilst it 
 mitigates ferocity, which ennobles those 
 who receive the honour of Knighthood^i 
 
54 LIFE OF 
 
 and under which slavery itself loses half 
 its evil, by losing all of school ! ! !* 
 
 My impatience to get out of doors and 
 gratify the public eye was soon calmed by 
 a summons from Miss Vilkins to attend 
 her and my sisters to church, — off we set 
 to St. Anne*s ; Letty much pleased on my 
 right arm; Lucinda smiling on my left; 
 Miss Vilkins with some degree of pride at a 
 convenient distance in the rear. The arm 
 and arm position with ray sisters was soon 
 abandoned, for the amazing squareness 
 of my uncle's Mnce-tashionable cocked-hat 
 so discomposed the neat pink bows which 
 adorned their straw bonnets, that they 
 both of one accord withdrew their arms 
 from mine, and requested that I would be 
 so good as to step forward and lead the 
 van; which I complied with accordingly; 
 and thus arranged, to the entire satisfaction 
 of all parties, we reached our pew without 
 any particular misfortune, except my hav- 
 iny dropped my prayer book in picking 
 
 ♦ The Printer asked me if I was Author of Burke o& 
 the French Revolution* 1 acswered, — *' No^'* 
 
PILL GARLICK. 55 
 
 up my pocket-handkerchief, but botli were 
 recovered without any material damage. 
 
 My mother never failed to ask, every Sun- 
 day upon our return from church* what the 
 text was; this day, however, I am sure 
 she would have received just as much in- 
 formation if she had asked me how many 
 cups of strong coffee the Great Mogul 
 took for breakfast, for (1 blush to- say it) 
 my thoughts were wholly and solely taken 
 up with, things very ill connected with 
 textSy or even witb sermons ; — How to 
 hold my hat, where to place my sword, 
 pulling and settling my chin in Miss Vil- 
 kinsV piece of black gown, crossing my 
 legs in an easy manner, in short, how to 
 place myself conspicuously in the most 
 seducing and engaging positions, were 
 the principal occupations of my thoughts. 
 When the organ struck up, I struck up 
 also, but — (truth will out) instead of joining 
 in chorus with the little boys and girls of 
 the choir, I — (" I feel the warm blood upoa 
 my guilty cheek T*) I— I — Oh conscience! 
 conscience! 
 
66 LIFE OF 
 
 ** That well-kept register, wherein is writ 
 ** All ill men do, all goodness t^hey omit.'* 
 
 well-kept indeed, and written, 1 imagine, 
 with patent permanent ink ; but truth ! — 
 *' ^ What is truth?' 8aid jesting Pilate, and 
 would not stay for an answer. Certainly 
 there be that delight in giddiness' 
 
 " No more delays, vain boaster, but begin, 
 " 1 prophecy before hand——" 
 
 " With silence, neighbour, and attention wait, 
 ** For 'tis a business of a high debate." 
 
 Well then ; when the organ chimed I— 
 I*— sung or said the following : 
 
 How pleasant a sailor's life passes. 
 Oh 1 catch me at school back again ! 
 
 X'll dress and PU ogle the lasses, — 
 Pitch the law to the d«vil amain! 
 
 " The various blessings of Nature 
 
 In various Nations we try, 
 No mortals than us can be great^r^ 
 
 Who merrily live till we dieJ' 
 
PILL GARLICK. 57 
 
 Then who cares for lawyers or riches, or any 
 
 such ghttering toys, 
 A light heart and a new pair of breeches, will go* 
 
 through the world my brave boys#. 
 
 So be it. 
 
 NotCy Lest I should be considered one of those self-import 
 tant young men who borrow consequence frem kin^ularity» 
 and take precedency in wisdom from the unfeeling use 
 of th«» ludicrous, which is at best a shallow quality, "but 
 in objects of eternal moment poisonous to society," lest, 
 Isay, the Sunday's relation I hive ju«t made should un- 
 happily induce any persons to number me amoui; such ao 
 insignificant set, I here beg leave utterly to disclaim any 
 such connection, and let me add, were it only out of duty 
 and respect for that parent I liave so often mentioned, 
 that her precepts were instilli*d with loo much care in 
 my infancy, to suffer the idtas of maturer years to ener* 
 vate or efftice them. ♦' No wit (the words are not mine, but 
 they're not the worse for thai) no wit so futile or so 
 dangerous as that which it» drawn from the perverted; 
 attitudes of what is in itself momentous, in the more 
 important articles of belief or conviction, let not the How 
 of ridicule be mistaken for force of arj;ument. He that 
 would undermine thoie foundations upon which the fabric 
 of our future hope is reared, seeks to beat down the 
 column which supports the feebleness of humanity ! Let 
 him but think a moment, and his heart will arrest the 
 cruelty of his purpose. Woul 1 he pluck its little treasure 
 from the bosom of poverty? would he wrest the crutch 
 from the hand of age? and remove from the eye of 
 affliction the only solace of it's woe? Ah! quench not 
 that beam uhich, amid the night of this evil world, has 
 cheered the despondency of ill requited worth, aod illU' 
 rainated the darkness of sulTering virtue.' ' 
 
 D 5 
 
5S UFE OV 
 
 Nothiag now remained to complete my 
 joy but to see the ship of which I had 
 become *' a volunteer of the Jirst class :'* 
 X therefore persuaded my mother to make 
 a party and fix a day for that enviable 
 sight; but the evening before the proposed 
 day an accident happened, which was abso- 
 lutely out of our power to avoid, and put 
 a stop for that time to our Van Tromp 
 expedition. — The whole family was im- 
 mersed in d-eep sepulchral woe ! I This was 
 nothing more nor less than the demise of 
 a favourite spaniel. Mors death, communis 
 est is common, omnibus to all. My attach- 
 ment for this fond animal was too great 
 to permit me, even now, to pass him over 
 without some few remarks. His grand- 
 sire Nero, was only son to Cato, a favo- 
 rite dog of my much lamented great grand- 
 mother, so that several generations had 
 been in our family; Cato formed an amo- 
 rous connection (by my great grandmo- 
 ther's desire) with a handsome bitch called 
 Julia: Julia in due lime brought forth 
 nine puppies in the large arm-chair in the 
 house-keeper*s room ; one of these puppies 
 grew up to dog's estate and had a nume- 
 
PILL GARLICK. 69 
 
 rous oifsprlng; bow many is not upon 
 record, but certain it is, thai the creature 
 in question was one, and equally certain 
 that he was presented to my father upon 
 my birth-day, and named Fop. He was so 
 handsome, and as Soraerville says, 
 
 " So well proportion'd, that the nicer skill 
 " Of Phidias himself could find no fault. 
 " Hi« glvissy skin, or yellow-pied, or red, 
 ** In lights or shades by Nature's peHcil drawii>. 
 " Reflected various tints." 
 
 Fop was soon considered as one of the 
 family, and dined at one o^clock with the 
 children ; he was so well behaved (indeed 
 I took great pains with his education) that 
 €very body loved him ; at length. 
 
 " growa stiff with age 
 " And nnany a painful chase, the wise aid dog,, 
 *< Regardless of the frolic pack, attends 
 " His master's side, or slumbers at his ease 
 ** Beneath the bending shade, there many a ring^; 
 " Runs a'er in dreams ; now on the doubtful soil, 
 " Puzzles perplex'd, or doubles intricate,. 
 *^ Cautious unfolds, then wing d with all his s^«9d^ 
 
60 LIFE or 
 
 " Bounds o'er the lawn to seize his panting prey, 
 " And in imperfect whimp'rings speaks his joy .'^ 
 
 Those who like that sociable companion^ 
 a dog, I am sure will not think the above 
 quotation misplaced ; and those who do not 
 like dogs can't like we: so for that very rea- 
 son I'll quote Somerville wherever I can to 
 -vex them; — but first let me tell them from 
 Cowper, that 
 
 *' I would not enter on my list of friends 
 
 *' Though grac'd with polish'd rrianners and fine 
 
 sense, 
 " Yet wanting sensibility) the man 
 •* (Who needlessly sets foot upon a worm," 
 
 And again let me tell them from S. T. C» 
 that 
 
 '* On hackney stands 
 ** I reverence the coachman, who cries " Gee," 
 " And spares the lash. When I behold a spider 
 " Prey on a fly, a magpie on a worm, 
 " Or view a butcher with horn-handled knife 
 *' Slaughter a tender lamb as dead as mutton, 
 '* Indeed, indeed, Pm very, very sick I" 
 
PILL GARLICK. 6V 
 
 Old age so overcame Fop that he could 
 neither go up nor down stairs by himself; 
 when he wished to descend he placed him- 
 self at the head of the stairs till some of 
 the family passed, then by gestures and 
 fawning explained his desire. 
 
 " Spe there with count'ftance blithe, 
 *' And with a courtly grin, the fawning dog 
 " Salutes thee cnw'ring ; his wide-op*ning nose 
 " Upwards he curls, and his large sloe-black eyes 
 " Melt in soft blandishments and humble joy." 
 
 SoMEaviLLE. 
 
 When he wished to ascend, he placed 
 his fore paws upon the first step of the 
 stairs and remained till come of us came 
 n€ar, who always understood him and in- 
 stantly hastened to his assistance and car- 
 ried' him iu our arms to wl^re he seemed 
 to- aski 
 
 " Th' expressive glance, whose subtle comment* 
 
 draws 
 " Entranc'd attention, and a mute applause; 
 " Gesture that marks, with force and feeling 
 
 fraught, 
 *' A sense in silence, and a will in th.ought.''j 
 
62t l^IFE OF 
 
 It may perhaps be impertinent to tell 
 you that these' are not Somerville's lines, 
 but if you happen not to know exactly 
 whose they are, turn to the last piece in 
 the '* Poetical Epitome" and you will there 
 find them. 
 
 Perhaps the reader is ready to exclaim 
 against me what is said by a very pretty 
 little poet in a very pretty little poem. 
 
 " Your forced and far-fetch'd readings I detest, 
 " They shew a poor ambition at ihe best ; 
 " Yet some Tve seen possess the idle bent, 
 " Of seeking meanings that were never meant.'* 
 
 Fop breathed his last whine one serene 
 evening in the month of September. — Here 
 the virtue of the " twi- forked Hiil'* inspires 
 my ravished fancy, and fills my veins with 
 Pegasean fire! yet still I feel myself inade* 
 quate to the knack of expressing in har- 
 monious language the weighty numbers of 
 " Victorious Rhyme" without the more 
 immediate assistance of the fair choristers 
 of Castalia, and for that reason I deem it 
 civility to commence with a modest iavo? 
 
PILL GARLICK. 63 
 
 cation to that family*. N. B. Fop is rei- 
 lored to life, till killed by poetry. 
 
 Ye buxom sisters of the learned spring, 
 Whose Heavenly povv'rs I'm told, are ravishing; 
 Ye Thespian wenches, at whose charming lays. 
 Each moss-grown hillock bends, each current 
 
 plays ; 
 Ye tuneful lasses, pray assist ray lay, 
 For prose can never such a scene portray ; 
 A tender gingling rhyme alone can tell 
 What dire distress upon us all befel! — 
 Grant, if you please, that nice poetic art 
 Which wakes to sympathy the feeling heart. 
 Oh! with what taste my mournful verse I'll dress 
 In all the robes of exquisite distress! 
 And then with truth indeed may I pretend 
 To sing in verse, a faithful spaniel's end; 
 But quite unused a poet's path to tread 
 I can't alone, do justice to the dead. 
 Muses, 1 say, and all your choir above, 
 Mount me on the seraphic wings of Love 
 For that's the strain in which to rant and rovel 
 
 I 
 
 * ** Fountain ef Light ! if chance 
 ** Some envious cloud v il thy refulgent brow, 
 *< In vain the Muses aid ; untouch'd, unstrung 
 *< Lies my mute harp, and thy desponding bard 
 ** Sits darkly moaing o'er tb'iiiifimsbed lay.** 
 
 SOMBRTJUS, 
 
64 LITE OF 
 
 A strain when chanted through the maze of woe 
 Can cause the heart, however hard to flow.. 
 Assist me then, quick, strike the trembling string!' 
 At once in mournful lays begin to sing; 
 For I'm resolved that neither bones nor herse 
 Shall rot for want of an embalming verse ! 
 Hark ! — Hark! — methinks I hear Apollo coming!: 
 No! — 'Tis but a fiddle some one's strumming! I 
 The sound I took for his enchanting lyre 
 That just struck up in aid of my desire. 
 But vainly now the Muses I invoke. 
 For they, as if on purpose to provoke. 
 Have made the fiddler play— the old black 
 joke ! 
 
 Know then King Pol, (with all your kindred nine) 
 My art I'll try, though thou refuse me thine. 
 But ah ) can art my mother's grief express ? y 
 Her agonizing sighs ! her deep distress ! > 
 
 Had it been Ned — perhaps it had been less, j 
 Yet verse I've oft on meaner subjects made; 
 And why not now ? eh ! — D — n me, who's afraid! 
 Want of invention can be no excuse ; 
 Sufficient matter does my theme produce; 
 Nay (like a playhouse crowd) I have my doubt. 
 If much can pass, so much would fain rush out. 
 Was this. intended for some courtier's hearse, 
 Why then I might observe the laws of verse. 
 But here they fail ; for who can hope. t*express 
 Those tears in numbers which were mimberJess ? 
 
PIL-t GARLICK. 65 
 
 And now methiiiks in that which I intend 
 The hardest task will be, but how to end. 
 
 On Fop's arm-chair recumbent o'er his neck, 
 In vain she tried her falling tears to check, 
 Absorb'd in woe, attentively she gazed, 
 Then cautiously her dying dog upraised. 
 And^he, poor thing! with deadly pangs oppressed. 
 His weeping mistress faintly thus addiess'd. 
 
 *' Ah ! cease to mourn : those friendly tears re- 
 
 ** strain, 
 " Nor give my dying moments keener pain ; 
 ** Thy tender heart can*t stay my fleeting breath, 
 ** Nor tender wish delay the hour of death. 
 ** Tis surely vain to think that tears from thee 
 " Can change what Nature doth to all decree ! 
 •* That subsidy which falls from friendship's eye 
 ** Is th' utmost solace, when your dog must die, 
 " Thou long hast been my mistress and my friend, 
 " And for thy cares my feeble head I bend : 
 " My love for thee, ah ! ne'er was love more 
 
 " true! 
 " No change, no alteration ever knew I 
 ** But now alas ! to weep for me is vain, 
 ** This day I leave thee and a world of pain ! 
 " For wounded, far beyond all healing powV 
 Ihc shaft has struck, and this my final hour. 
 
i 
 
 66 LIFE OF 
 
 " Yet that same stroke which causes all your 
 
 grief, 
 ** Has proved most kind to me^ and brought re- 
 lief. 
 " Here must I cease,'Vhe said, or seem'd to say, *) 
 Then lick'd her hand*, and breath'd life's spark f 
 
 away. 
 Did e'er Fop's death deserves a better lay ? 
 Or where's the dog would not have gladly hung, 
 T' have been the theme of such melodious song? 
 Now o'er this moving scene I'll draw a veil. 
 But no 'Tis yet too soon to end my tale, 
 
 I have; not expressed to my satisfaction 
 (though perhaps I have to my reader's) the 
 bitterness of my mother's grief; I must 
 therefore, as in the tragedy of Thomas 
 Thumb, call my hero once more to life, 
 and put him to death to a different tune. 
 Fop is again in his arm chair; (by the by 
 I never took him out of it) — however, he 
 is once more all alive and kicking, and my 
 mother looking wistfully upon him. — I 
 cannot avoid asking the Reader before I 
 
 • ** Nor will it less delight th' attentive «age 
 
 T' observe t^at instinct which unerring guidei 
 
 The brutal race, which mimics reason's lore, 
 
 And oft trarscends," SoMERviuiEi 
 
PILL GARLICK. 67^ 
 
 proceed, if he recollects who it was that 
 said to Monsieur *' What-d*ye-call-him,'* 
 '* Tu .^ais des mecham vers admirablement 
 hienr 
 
 On her dog she look'd down with a tear, 
 And sighed as she patted his head, 
 
 " Ah ! many and many a year 
 
 You've gnor'd with me snugly in bed. 
 
 " No Fop was more faithful and kind, 
 My fondness ne'er met with a slight,* 
 
 And where, pray, a Fop can you find 
 Prove more to his Mistress' delight? 
 
 " Alas ! when thou'rt gone I shall pine. 
 And seek thee in vain all around, 
 
 Tencourage thy sharp little whine, 
 As after the rabbits you bound. 
 
 " When within the dark grave thou art fast, 
 Near thy sod I will grieve the long day, 
 
 Nor the night, nor the rain, nor the blast. 
 Nay, nothing shall force me away. 
 
 " I will sit in the garden and sigh, 
 And weep in the shade of the trees, 
 
 * Sweet Fop, are you dead?' I will cry, 
 
 * If not— pray come here if you please !'*' 
 
6S 
 
 LIFK OF 
 
 Thus she sp\)ke to her fav'rite, whose eye 
 From her countenance never had strayM. 
 
 And he lick'd her fond hand at her sigh. 
 As if conscious of all she had said. 
 
 More kindness he*d fain have express*d, 
 But life would no longer remain, 
 
 His head gently fell on his breast, 
 Like a lilly press'd down by the rain • 
 
 Some moments my mother stood near 
 The chair where her favourite lay^ 
 
 And dropped to his mem'ry a tear 
 
 More expressive than language can say. 
 
 Ah I chide not if one grateful tear 
 Stain'd hei cheek on this pitiful day^ 
 
 Nor chide not if I should appear 
 To join in the scene of dismay. 
 
 ** *Tis hard to be parted from those 
 *' With whom we for ever could dwell, 
 
 ** And bitter the sorrow thai flows," 
 When friends say, for ever 1 farewell I 
 
 -his dim eyes are glazM> 
 
 He droops his pensive head ; his trembling limbs 
 Nomoresuppi^rt his eight; abject he lies, 
 Dumb, spiritless, benumb'd ; 'till Death at last 
 Gracious attends, and kindly brings relief," 
 
 SOMERVILLE. 
 
PILL GARLICK. 69 
 
 Then chide not the tears which were shed, 
 
 The drops were sincerity's gift ; 
 The tribute was due to the dead, 
 
 The heart was the mansion they left ! 
 
 Kow ye who may think that my rhyme 
 From reason seems here to depart, 
 
 May preach in my ear a long time, 
 But never shall harden my heari. 
 
 I shall now proceed to the funereal rites, 
 and indeed the best proof I can give of 
 the affection we all had for the faithful 
 animal was the pomp with which his re- 
 niainn were deposited in the garden. 
 
 On or about half past one o'clock, the 
 hour my mother usually finis-hed her break- 
 fast, she (in silfnt sorrow drowned!) wrap- 
 ped the body in a clean towel or winding 
 sheet ; another towel, white as the washer's 
 hands could scrub it, was placed upon a card- 
 table with the carcass upon it, the four 
 corners of this towel were held by Larry, 
 Davy, Simon, and myself, that is to say, 
 we were coffin-bearers ; a third towel, 
 sprinkled with lavender, was held between 
 the fore-finger and thumb of my mother, 
 Letty, Lucinda, and Miss Vilkins, that is 
 
70 LIFE OF 
 
 to say, they were pall-bearers ; Diggory 
 (cloathed in misery!) was chief mourner, 
 and acted his part with becoming gravity ; 
 for either by the sincerity of his affliction, 
 or by the facility with which he could 
 assume the melting mood, he proved that 
 
 In single drops tears never fall, 
 
 Sighs quick succeed each other, 
 
 For when we thought he'd breathed them all, 
 There still remained another! 
 
 Thus prepared to follow our poor Foppy*s 
 body, like so many Niobes, all tears ! The 
 procession moved miserably slow from the 
 back drawing room, into the front, where 
 it marched in tear trickling order, three 
 times round the arm chair of the deceased ; 
 (the saddest tragedy that ever challenged 
 wonder!) then continued its progress with 
 undisturbed solemnity nearly half way 
 down stairs, when, oh, scene of woe I 
 Larry either by too measured a pace, or 
 by losing the step, over -reached upon 
 Simon's kibed heel; and as ill luck would 
 have it, that part of the shoe, which shoe- 
 makers pretend is to cover the *^ calca- 
 neum," was worn sideways, and in a man- 
 
PILL GARLICK. 71 
 
 ner under the foot ; a circumstance which 
 I attribute to a too fHtniliar intercouse of 
 the knees, and whence no doubt sprung the 
 vulgar saying. '* A Triend in-kueed, is a 
 friend indeed." — Simon's heel, (fit object 
 for a weeping eye !) thus unprotected and 
 exposing its crimson tint through the cure- 
 less darns of his blue cotton hose, was ill 
 able to resist so rude an attack from Larry's 
 double channel brogues newly foxed, heeled, 
 «nd toed, — he sprang forward with a roar 
 of '^murther! murther;" — slipped down 
 three steps, and drove poor little Diggory 
 to the very bottom of the stairs — happy 
 had it been for the rest of the coffin bearers, 
 that the owner of the kibed heel had gone 
 along with the chief mourner; for true to 
 his first grasp Simon never let go the corner 
 of the towel, but dragged the dog's body, 
 Davy and myself, with such violence as to 
 cause us to stumble over him, and roll to- 
 gether head over heels to where Diggory 
 with so much precipitation had just led 
 the van. Larry in a quick retrogade move- 
 ment to recover the step, which so unex- 
 pectedly discomposed the modesty of the 
 procession, fell back upon Miss Vilkius; 
 
72 LIFE OF 
 
 she, badly troubled with those " callusses*' 
 popularly called " corns/' screamed and 
 bounced against my mother, who to pro- 
 tect the " OS basilare" from coming too vio- 
 lently in contact with the ground, seized 
 upon the tail of Letty's frock; this however 
 not being her Sunday's one, was if any 
 thing, rather the worse for wear, and 
 gave way with a jerk, which unavoidably 
 urged her forward, and had it not been for 
 the convenience of Lucinda's long hair, 
 must have been precipitated headlong to 
 the bottom. Lucinda in dipping her head 
 to elude the tremendous grasp made at her 
 red locks by Letty's right hand, bobbed 
 her nose against the banister, which sent 
 her reeling backwards upon my mother, 
 then in the act of recovering herself from 
 the first concussion, when she was thus 
 once more thrown off her equilibrium. 
 
 The scene was now indeed become a 
 scene of lamentable wailing I — Simon 
 moaning bitterly the acute pain of his 
 chilblains; Miss Vilkins (the abstract of 
 all misery I) screaming for her corns; ray 
 parent for her rear ; Letty for her frock ; 
 Lucinda for her nasal organ ; Davy and t 
 
FILL GARLICK. 73 
 
 for our bones ; Larry with sheer fright at 
 being the cause of such a confused and 
 untoward disaster, and little Diggory though 
 he had the good fortune to escape unhurt, 
 yet as in duty bound, joined this air-rend- 
 ing hallaloo with all his might! — The 
 neighbours imagined that nothing short of 
 a wake or an Irish funeral could produce 
 such an uproar; — nor were they very far 
 out in their conjecture. 
 
 It would be troublesome to say how or 
 when harmony was restored ; how or when 
 the procession resumed its wonted decency, 
 how or when the late Fop was conveyed 
 through the great hall, into the garden 
 tind to the foot of the large tree " from 
 storms a shelter and from heat ashadt:;** 
 but lest you should suppose that we re- 
 mained bellowing, some at the bottom, 
 some at the middle, and some at the top of 
 the stairs without finishing what we had so 
 charmingly begun ; I beg leave to assure you 
 that the body of the deceased dog was inter- 
 red in a deep square hole which Nurse Brid- 
 get) whose very gesture proved excessive sor- 
 row) dug with the kitchen shovel, at^d round 
 which. the servants were all assembled. 
 
74 LIFE OF 
 
 With mournful groans and deep desponding sighs, 
 With tears of sorrow trickling from their eyes, 
 Th' illiterate menials in a full toned breath 
 Lament the, dog and chide the power of death. 
 ,Howl every mother's son ! — Let no one sing. * 
 
 Bring turf to's tomb, who cannot marble bring:: 
 For we must raise (say they) a monument j 
 
 'Ere grief or sorrow will appear content : *** 
 
 Yet turf or marble, were they set up here, 
 ^Vould fret to tears, and melt to lie so near. 
 Each dumpish visage proved indeed distress, 
 But how can I with this bad pen* express ? 
 •** The gen'ral voice, the meed of mournful verse. 
 The splendid sorrows that adornM his hearse, 
 The throng that raourn'd as their dead fav'rite 
 
 pass'd., 
 The grac'd respect that claimed him to the- 
 last/' 
 Had Solomon, that King so justly famed, 
 (And wisest far, of all mankind proclaim'd) 
 
 ♦ I must confess myself indebted to an entertaining 
 French author, (though indeed of no extraordinary cele- 
 brity) for the above ingenious idea ; the story is this, Mon- 
 sieur I-don't-know-who, was one day in a tavern with a 
 friend who requested him to w rite a letter i^pon some 
 particular business. He ^id so.; and if he did, his friend 
 had very g^reat cause to find fault with thp orthographical 
 part of it; upon which Mo«s. I-dont-kno\v-who turned 
 round in an angry tone to his friend, saying, *< Comment 
 Diable, voulez vous que fecrive Cortographe avtc une tnau^ 
 mise flume (VAubergef* 
 
PILL GAULICK. 75 
 
 Of Fop's sad funVal a spectator been, 
 E*en he had whimper'd at the doleful scene. 
 
 If you have read the works of him who 
 ^' in loftiness of thought surpassed" all 
 Apollo's brood, you cannot have overlooked 
 the story of the dog, whose Royal Master 
 did not think it beneath him to shed a tear 
 when that faithful animal expired with joy 
 at his feet. To those who perhaps may be 
 unacquainted with the story, I imagine the 
 following lines will be more generally un- 
 dersLood than the original ; I shall therefore 
 insert tliem, leaving my readers in some 
 degree of doubt as to m^y knowledge of 
 OiMHPOT. '/ 
 
 r 
 
 ' lie knew his lord, he knew and strove to meet, 
 In vain he strove to crawl and kiss his feet, 
 Yet (all he could) his tail, his cars, his eyes, 
 Salute his master, and confess his joys ; 
 
 Takes a last look, and having seen him, dies ; 
 So clos'd for ever faithful Argus' eyes. 
 Soft pity touch'd the mighty master's soul, 
 Adown his cheek a tear unbidden stole." 
 E 9 
 
76 LIFE OF 
 
 Now vou maj depend upon it we were 
 all equally sorry for the dissolution of our 
 old faithful companion, who had lived 
 many years amongst us, though not to the 
 advanced age of Argus, his renowned an- 
 cestor. 
 
 <^ The dog whom Fate had granted to behold 
 His lord, when twenty tedious years had roU'd.'* 
 
 Yet I feel much satisfaction in saying 
 that in the course of a very long life he 
 never felt the ill treatment and distress 
 which the Bard informs us that " gen'rous 
 creature" suffered, 
 
 ** Exposed to man's ingratitude he lay, 
 Unhous'd, neglected in the public way/* 
 
 For my part I never rested day or night, 
 except when asleep, till I composed (with 
 a little help indeed) an epitaph, and many 
 a painful hour it occasioned me!— but 
 '* nil nothing, est is, tarn difficile so hard, 
 quod which, solertia diligence, non vinc<it 
 cannot overcome." 
 
PILL GARLICK. ?7 
 
 FOP'S EPITAPH. 
 
 UicjaceC the remains of Fop below ; 
 More sense had he than half the fops I know. 
 To gratitude and love were none more prone, 
 And nought did covet -save perhaps a bone! 
 In faithful duty ne*er was known to stop— 
 Ye Christiuis blush ! and learn to copy Fop. 
 
 I should, indeed, have mentioned par- 
 ticulars, bat then how shouM I end without 
 filling a volume? besides, my Elegy, which 
 follows will make up for the shortness of 
 my Epitaph. 
 
 Come, blubb'ring pen, your sable tears let fall, 
 And try that grief t*express which fills us all! 
 The leaves should now be black whereon I write, 
 Save where my tears have wash'd them broxuny 
 
 white, 
 Though blots and tears indeed are quickly turning 
 My late white paper into weeds of mourning, 
 Yet, can those blots and tears with all my rhymes 
 Transmit with truth our woe to future times? 
 
 No Ink and paper never can impart 
 
 The true sensation of a feeling heart. 
 
78 IIFE OF 
 
 Now unto sorrow must I tune my song, 
 And set my words to notes of saddest woe, 
 
 Come Mis'ry with me hand -in-hand along, 
 
 O'er smiling Mirth your darkest mantle throw* 
 
 O 1 give me tears ! come every purling spring ! 
 
 Dwell in my head and eyes, come clouds and 
 rain, 
 My grief hath need of every wat'ry thing, 
 
 And blood is turn'd to tears in ev'ry vein ! 
 
 What are two shallow fords ? two little spouts ? 
 
 Though twice as large, the greater is but small 1 
 Can they give vent to seas of grief and doubts, 
 
 That, deluge-like, are threatening now to fall ? 
 
 Let clouds and darkness dwell upon the day, 
 Let apparitions of dead dogs at night. 
 
 To mark the hour when Fop was snatch'd away, 
 Rise up and howl, and living dogs aftVight ! 
 
 Verses, ye are too fine a thing, too wise 
 
 For my gruff sorrows j cease, be dumb and mute ; 
 
 Give up your feet and flowing to mine eyes, 
 And keep your measure for some lovei's lute. 
 
 *Tis want of genius that does more deny, 
 
 Tis fear my praise should make Fop's merit less. 
 
 And therefore, like the modest painter, I 
 
 Must drav/ the veil, where 1 cannoi express, 
 
1^ 
 
 TILL GARLICK. 79 
 
 Now here 1*11 stop, lest those who this descry, 
 May chance forthwith to tears dissolve, and die 
 
 The above elegy you must allow, is weep* 
 ing, smooth, and pretty; and though the 
 originality of the thoughts is not my own> 
 yet I have managed them so skilfully, and 
 
 *' With such effect, we know not which to call 
 " The imitation, which th' original." 
 
 r could write a great many more pretty 
 things upon my trusty old friend, but day 
 \?ould expire before all were told, and at 
 this moment the panting steeds of Phoebus 
 are galiopping full speed to their dark sta* 
 ble, which implies 
 
 That it would be a crime beyond excuse, 
 If 1 your patience longer should abuse. 
 
 ' 
 
ARGUMENT. 
 
 The Author goes with a select party in jingles to Dun- 
 leary. — Displays prodigious address and dexterity. 
 — Is entrusted to the care of Naval Captain. — A 
 fellow traveller. — A parting scene. — Gil Bias* — 
 Sea-sick arrival at Holyhead. — Robinson Crusoe. — 
 The Author's favourable opinion of a Sailor's life 
 somewhat staggered, — Is consoled with beef steaks 
 and onions. — A retiring to rest poetically depicted, 
 — The Author over sleeps himself. — Hints in a mo- 
 dest manner at inebriation, — Loses his place in the 
 the coach —Facetious comparisons. — A pleasant con- 
 trivance. — Pitiful state of the Author's posteriors. — 
 London. — Portsmouth. — A truly affecting farewell- 
 scene between the Author and his Uncle.— Description 
 of a cockpit. — Author is angry— and why. — Remarks 
 in French, rather learned than otherwise — A Master's 
 mate portrayed. — The Author changes to a different 
 ship.— Dubs himself Pill Garlick — and why. — Bantry 
 Bay — A charming picture of a more charming party. — 
 The Author makes use of « heaven" in mistake — Cor- 
 rects himself immediately. 
 
81 
 
 CHAPTER III, 
 
 " The wayward steps of Fortune I pursued, 
 ** And sought in certain ills imagined good; 
 ** Though caution'd oft herslipp'ry path to ihun, 
 «* Hope still with promis'd jo^s allur'd me on." 
 
 I N a few days " grief went her progress 
 through ali our hearts," and we got the 
 better of onr dolorous reverie> for to inoura 
 without measure is folly, not to mourn at 
 all insensibUity ; so we wiped the tributary 
 drops of woe from our eyes, and formed a 
 select party of friends, lawyers, sailors^ 
 soldiers, &c. &c. and drove off in three 
 jingles (the well-known Irish vehicle of ease 
 and recreation) to Dunleary ; there we em- 
 barked in a small fishing boat^ that was 
 hired to convey this promiscuous group. 
 fi 5 
 
82 LITE OF 
 
 to the Van Tromp, which 1.^' at anch o 
 some distance in the bay The usua* 
 squeamishness attended all the company 
 on their passage, but being a party of plea 
 sure, of course it was of no consequence 
 and all reached the ship tolerably clean. I 
 was not long on board the huge floating 
 castle before I felt an air of consequence 
 which to the best of my memory I never 
 felt before nor since. My clothes were 
 bran new, which consequently in a croud 
 of tarry jackets and trowsers made m^ per- 
 son more conspicuous, I became extreme- 
 ly desirous of exhibiting my '* corporeal 
 elasticities" before the surrounding assem- 
 blage, who I vainly, and good-humouredly 
 enough imagined, were wrapt in admira- 
 tion at my bewitching appearance : not 
 willing to let slip the opportunity, I boldly 
 and gracefully ascended the main shrouds ; 
 but, to my exceeding great mortification, 
 I discovered by a side glance through the 
 ropes that not a soul took the least notice 
 of me, except the captain of the main top, 
 who pursued me up the 'igging, in order 
 to make me pay my *' footing'* for this 
 Jirst trespass upon his premises. — '^ Come 
 
PILL GARLICK. 85 ' 
 
 joungster, out with your shot in a jiffy.*' 
 This was said in so significant a manner, 
 that it was impossihle to misconceive the 
 meaning ; so gi-apphng one of the shrouds 
 for security 'd sake, whde in this state of 
 aerial suspension, and hauling my hand- 
 kerchief out oF my pocket, from one corner 
 of it (the marked corner) 1 released six* 
 ponce in halfpence, that after a long and gra- 
 dual accumulation had been there pent up in - 
 durance vile, — '* Here Jack," says I, gene- 
 rously extending my hand, " is all the mo- 
 ney 1 am worth in the world." — ** Damn 
 your eyes, you little milksop of a reefer, 
 do you think 1*11 dirty my fist with your 
 lousy coppers r" at the same time giving a 
 smack under my hand, which tossed the 
 k>ng-hoarded wealth overboard, to be en- 
 tombed for ever in '* Davy Jones's locker.** 
 Jack skipped into the main top, muttering 
 something about " gulpins*' and '* lubbers^" 
 I thought it prudent) to descend, fragrant- 
 ly besmeared with pitch and tar, at the 
 same time taking it much to heart that I 
 should have paid so dearly for my agility, 
 particulaily as it was meant to have been 
 exercised for the entertainment of others. 
 
84 LIFE OF 
 
 When the part^ had somewhat nearly sa- 
 tisfied ('lis impossible to be perfectly so) 
 their curiosity in examining the births, 
 cabins, lockers, guns, store-rooms, pumps, 
 capstans, anchors, cables, and all the etce- 
 teras belonging to these hnen-winged worlds 
 of the deep, we returned home highly de- 
 lighted with our aquatic excursion, on 
 which I did not fail to hold forth with as 
 much confidence as if I had been conver- 
 sant with tlie sea and sea matters all my 
 past life. Mj name was borne on the 
 Tromp's books 'till an opportunity pre- 
 sented of sending me with some Captain 
 acquainted with the family, in order no 
 doubt that the better care might be taken 
 of me. The Captain of His Majesty's 
 ship Defiance, of 74 guns, lying at Porls- 
 inouth, kindly offered to undertake this 
 important charge. 
 
 The whole family were employed in the 
 necessary arran socmen ts for my departure, 
 and not only the day, but the person with 
 whom I was to travel was fixed upon. A 
 young gentleman who had completed the 
 studies which I had so promisingly begun, 
 and which it was supposed I would have 
 
PILL CARLICK. 85 
 
 one day finished, was upon tiie eve of 
 going to London, and for no other purpose 
 than to enter the Temple; yes, curious as 
 it may appear, the person my mother tixeci 
 upon to protect me in the long and tedious 
 journey through Wales, was a character 
 of no less consequence than a young Law- 
 yer ! 
 
 About half past four in the afternoon 
 Cham (id est my protector; id est the 
 young lawyer) drove to the door in a hack 
 chaise and pair, which was hired at a joint 
 expence to convey us like genttemen to the 
 Pigeon-house. So soon as it was announ- 
 ced I ran and embraced my dear mother, 
 my little brothers and sisters, old nurse 
 Bridget, and my classical instructress Miss 
 Vilkins, — quel spectacle toiichant!!! To the 
 latter I said, as 1 gently pressed her middle 
 finger in my hand, — " Sum 1 am, factums 
 alwut to make, iter my jou^rney, [here I 
 sighed] et and, discrucior animi 1 am trou- 
 bled in mind, [here I sobbed] quia because, 
 abeundam est mihi I go, d dojno from home." 
 1 think I should have said much more if 
 Miss Vilkins had not in a sort of extacy 
 mixed with equal parts of pride, joy, and 
 
S6 LIFE OF 
 
 grief, sealed the portal of my words by the 
 close conjunction of lier red wax lips, then 
 laying her hand upon my head, said, — 
 *' Puer liitle boy, mild discipulus my little 
 scholar, concipe conceive well, hcec dicta 
 these sayings, animo tiio in thy mind.'* 
 Miss Vilkms hemmed twice, and then pro- 
 ceeded ; '* Effuge avoid, deaidiam idleness, 
 nam for vpluli even as, tellns the earth, pro- 
 fert brings forth, flares nee semina neither 
 flowers nor seed, ne sit unless it be, victa 
 tery much tilled, iabore continuo with con- 
 tinual labour, [here Miss Vilkins biew her 
 nose] sic sojpuer sl little boy, si if, non ex- 
 ercitet he doth not exercise, ingenium his 
 understanding, amittet shall lose, et both, 
 tempus ipsum time itself, eimul and withal, 
 spem the hope, ingenii of his wit/' — Cham 
 interrupted Miss Vilkins by saying, rather 
 impatiently, that the^ tide answered at a 
 quarter past six, so I stretched out my 
 little neck and gave Miss Vilkins two hear- 
 ty smacks on the lips, and said, *' promiito 
 I promise, tibi thee, esse observaturum to 
 observe, hcec these things, sanctiasim^ most 
 devoutly,'* 1 then presented her with a 
 neat thimble, which I requested she mights 
 
PILL GARLICK. $ffi 
 
 keep in memoria in remembrance, disctpulr 
 of her disciple. 1 also distributed among 
 the family divers little keep-sakes. (trifles, 
 shew respect!) They in return made me 
 a present of their most hearty blessings ; 
 helas! Us croj/ient ne pouvoir me Umoigner 
 assez! Nurse Bridget indeed gave me a 
 flannel night cap, which she desired I 
 should put on so soon as f got safe oa 
 ship-board, and with tears in her eyes 
 begged Mr. Cham to see that my bed was 
 ^ell aired. This aftecting farewell calls to 
 itiind Gil Bias de Santiilane, when he takes 
 leave of his family at setting out on his 
 rambles through Spain. Those who are 
 acquainted with Gil will not I am sure be 
 displeased for introducing him here; and 
 those who are not, should be extremely 
 obliged to me for informing them so far 
 of the most entertaining novel that has ever 
 been written. 1 shall therefore with a 
 trifling alteration convert Gil Bias's adieu 
 to myself. " * On ue pouvoit Hen me pro* 
 
 « I think it but civil to give the translation into plain 
 English, for the convenience of housekeeper's rooms, ii> 
 those houses where a ** Falet de Shuni*' or a French cook 
 happen not to form part of the family. — ** Nothing could 
 
88 LIFE OF 
 
 poser qui me fat plus agreable que de quitter 
 rirelaude, car je mourois d'envie de rrCem.'- 
 harquer sur quelque vaisseau comme Aspirant 
 de la Marine Royal; cependant feus asset 
 de force sur nioi pour cacher majoie, et lors- 
 quilfallut partir je ne paroissoit sensible qua 
 la douleur de quieter ma famille et une bonne 
 mere a quifavois taut d'obligaiions, que fai- 
 mois, et que faime encore tendrement ; avant 
 mon depart fallals les embrasser tous, les 
 farmes aux yeux, ils ne ni epargnerent pas les 
 remontranceSj ils m'exhorterent a prier Dieu 
 pour mon ame, a vivre en honnke homme, de 
 
 be more agreeable to me than the idea of quitting Ireland, 
 for I was dying with impatience to be off, and embark 
 in some ship as Midshipman of the Royal Navy; however, 
 I had sufficient presence of mind to conceal my joy, and 
 and when the hour of departure arrived, I affected to b« 
 very much grieved a^t leaving my family and a. fond mo» 
 ther, to .horn I ovved so many obligations, whom I loved 
 and still love tenderly; before I stept into the carriage 
 I embraced them all with tears in my eyes ; they Hid not 
 spare their remonstrances : they exhorted me to pray fer- 
 vently for the benefit of my soul ; to live like a worthy 
 gentleman ; always to keep the best society, and never 
 to engage in any affairs of indecency, I thought I should 
 never hear the end of their salutary counsels. At last, 
 after an exceeding long ' arangue, they each made me a 
 present of their benediction, which was the only gift I wa$ 
 to expect from them, so I immediately stept into the post 
 chaise, and trotted out of Dublin tp embark in a packet 
 that was ready to sail for Holyhead." 
 
?ILL GARLICK. 89 
 
 garder toujours la bonne socitte, et sur tout ^ 
 ne me point engager dans de mauvaises of- 
 f aires; ils 7ie pouvoient se lasser de me tenir 
 des discours salutaires* Apres quils m'eurenC 
 ires long'tems harangue, ils me firent present 
 de leur benediction, qui etoit le seal bien que 
 jattendois d*eux, — aussilot je montai en voi- 
 ture et sortis de Dublin pour m'embarquer 
 sur wi paguet-bot qui devoit partir pour 
 Ilolj/head.'* 
 
 Notwithstanding my impatience to de- 
 part^ I must not forget to state, that on 
 my way from the back parlour to the hall 
 door, I was thrice turned round, by the 
 sheer impulse of affection, to embrace my 
 mother, whose tears sufficiently expressed 
 her feelings upon an event which in the 
 whole course of her life had never before 
 occurred to her, — that of parting with one 
 of her children. " The joys of parents 
 (says Lord Bacon) are secret, and so are 
 their griefs and fears; they cannot utter 
 the one, nor they will not utter the other.*' 
 However, my sweet mother upon this oc- 
 casion could not refrain from uttering a 
 last farewell, and which I think implied 
 rather more *' fear" than otherwise,— broken 
 
90 Li^E or 
 
 and interrnpted as it was I can never for- 
 get it. '' Remember, (said she in a tone 
 with even more tenderness and solicitude 
 than (usual,) remember what Imlac told 
 Rasselas when that young prince wished 
 to leave the happy valley. — <* You may soon 
 repent your curiosity. — The world which 
 you figure to yourself smooth and quiet 
 as the lake in the valley, you will find to 
 be a sea foaming with tempests, and boil- 
 ing with whirlpools ; — ^you will be sometimes 
 6verwhelmed by the waves of violence, 
 and sometimes dashed against the rocks of 
 treachery; amidst wrongs and frauds, com- 
 petitions and anxieties; you will wish a 
 thousand times for these seats of quiet, 
 and willingly quit hope to be free from 
 fear. Yet if your determination is fixed, 
 I do not counsel you to despair. — Few 
 things are impossible to diligence and 
 skill.'* — I made no reply; but wished for 
 courage to say as Rasselas did to Imlac,-— 
 *' Do not seek to deter me from my pur- 
 pose." — On my way to the packet 1 felt 
 what at one time 1 supposfed was impos- 
 sible to feel, — very great sorrow for leaving 
 home ! I looked back more than once to 
 
PILL GARLlCK. §t 
 
 my mother's door, a tear dropped from 
 my eye as I looked ; for though it may 
 appear that I commonly view but th^ 
 surface of things, still I have a heart to 
 feel. " A wise son rejoiceth the father, 
 but an ungracious son shameth the mo- 
 ther." Then am I fully conscious that I 
 shamed not mine— ingratitude was, is, and 
 ever shall be a stranger to my bosom. 
 
 Cham and I arrived at the packet " cheek 
 by jowl" in perfect silence ;^ — we weighed 
 anchor and set sail. 
 
 " Now with redoubling force the tempests blow, 
 And wat'ry hills in dread succession flow ; 
 A dismal shade o'ercasts the frowning skies, 
 New troubles grow, fresh difficulties rise." 
 
 Our passage indeed was most boisterous; 
 the word stew — stew — a — a — steward was 
 seldom out of my mouth, except when 
 compelled to give way to a more powerful 
 and substantial adversary from my dis- 
 turbed stomach. — Whilst 1 lay in this con- 
 dition with my sympathizing fellow-pas- 
 sengers (envelopped in my flannel night- 
 cap) I thought once or twice upon that 
 
92 LIFE OF 
 
 roving dog of schoolboy- memory, Robm? 
 son Crusoe, who went to sea agfiinst the 
 advice of his parents; I also depicted to 
 my imagination a few glaring comparisons 
 between the life of a sailor, and that of a 
 lawyer, '* desipitbam mentis I doubted in 
 mind." — To be candid (as it behoveth all 
 historians) this first specimen of the rugged 
 element by no means confirmed the fa- 
 vourable opinions 1 had adopted of the 
 former. At length however we reached 
 (2. t*. we arrived at) Holyhead tolerably safe, 
 where after punishing a considerable por- 
 tion of beef steaks smothered in onions, I 
 forgot ray sickness and fancied myself 
 pleased and contented ; in fact, I made up 
 my mind to feel many such little *' cap 
 fulls of wind** as the one we had just ex» 
 perienced. Cham bespoke places in the 
 coach to start for London the following 
 morning; so after finishing our wine, (a 
 greater quantity I believe than was abso- 
 lutely requisite for the dilution of our food) 
 we called the chambermaid. 
 
 Night like a fair whose cross old spouse is dead, 
 Allured at last both Chum and me to bed. 
 
PILL GARLICK. 9^ 
 
 Tatigued, we did not at her call demur, 
 But welcome went, and kindly welcomed her. 
 Unlike fine folk of modern day, that weds. 
 And strange to say, have each their diff 'rent 
 
 beds ! 
 One single pillow served for both our heads. 
 But here we need not dwell. Proceed at once. 
 Know then I puUM a night cap o'er my sconce, 
 'Twas such a one as poels wear they say, "J 
 
 " A cap by night, a stocking all the day," > 
 For mine at sea by chance was blown away. j 
 With hose it was I muffled up my head, 
 Then stripp'd, and in went Cham and I to bed. 
 The candle who puft''d out it matters not, 
 'Twas likely he who handled last the — snuffer*— 
 "Snuffers! — will snuffers rhyme? you stupid 
 
 ass? — 
 WTiat! — Critics! — won't you let my snuffers 
 
 pass? — 
 If not, then find a better in their place, 
 Or you an ass I'll call before your face. — 
 Suffice to say, by dozing soon imprest, 
 We turned and yawnd and stretch'd ourselves to ] 
 
 rest; 
 Nor long ere Morpheus o'er each eyelid stole, 
 And caused our drowsy eyes to cease to roll ! 
 Soon dead our senses to all earthly things, 
 In leaden slumber snored, nor envied Kings I 
 In leaden slumber too, poor harmless man ! 
 Close at my back, loud snored my pHrtner Cham. 
 
^4 ^I*'£ OF 
 
 so securely had the " soft nurse of na- 
 ture" drawn her fringed curtains, and bound 
 pur senses in her silken cordage, that the tu- 
 mult of ostlers, waiters, chambermaids, pos- 
 tillions, shoe boys, passengers, and all the 
 motley tribe of inns was unable to dissipate 
 the smoaky clouds of sleep, which I verily 
 believe were considerably condensed by 
 the fumes of Tavern port wine. Oh! most 
 surprising juice! squeezed from the lustful 
 clusters of the vine, whose sparkling 
 streams " defy degenerous fears^ and the 
 dull troubles of poor afflicted hearts;'* 
 yet of power to eclipse the soul and di- 
 vest man of all his dignity ! — whose dan- 
 cing sprightly bubbles can inspire wit, 
 cheer the heightened spirits, and reflect 
 good humour on every face; — ^yet of 
 power to make man scarcely better than 
 a living sponge, soused in liquor! 
 
 '* Drunk*nes6, audacious thief! that before one's 
 
 face. 
 Steals man away, and leaves a beast in place. 
 Puffing his cheeks, blearing his curious eye, 
 Studding his nose with vitious heraldry ; 
 
PILL GARLICK. ^ 
 
 While pearls and rubies doth his wine disclose. 
 He makes his purse poor, to enrich his nose,** 
 
 We indulged in the most undisturbed 
 trance till '' the chariot of the Sun liad 
 nearly performed half his course !" " Good 
 morning to you, Cham."—" Good morn* 
 ing to you, Ned," — were reciprocally, and 
 very naturally, the first compliments that 
 passed. — I hope the coach is not gone, 
 says Cham. — I hope not, says 1. — Our 
 hopes were soon overwhelmed with disap- 
 pointment and astonishment too great ibr 
 the powers of description ! Some slight 
 comparison may be drawn between our 
 amazement and that of our most gracious 
 Sovereign when in the act of transfixing a 
 piece of roast goose with his fork, he dis- 
 covered a certain reptile (termed by Na- 
 turalists pediculus) walking grave as a Spa- 
 niard across his plute, and very facetiously 
 described by P. P. in his beautiful poem 
 of the Loufiiad. 
 
 ^* Not more aghast he look'd when 'midst the 
 
 course 
 <iieorge tumbled, in a stag-chase, from his horse, 
 
96 LIFE OF 
 
 Where all the nobles deem'd their Monarch dead, 
 But luckily he pitched upon his head ; 
 
 ** Not with more horror did the Devil look, 
 When Dunstau by the nose the daemon took ; 
 As gravely say our legendary songs, 
 And led him with a pair of red-hot tongs. 
 
 " Not with more horror stares each lengthen'd 
 
 feature 
 Of some fine flutt'ring, mincing petit-maitre, 
 When of a wanton chimney-sweeping wag, 
 The beau's white vestment feels the sooty bag. 
 
 " Not with more horror Gloster*s Duchess 
 
 stared, 
 When his bless'd Majesty, the King, declared, 
 That not, of all her mongrel breed, one whelp. 
 Should in the Royal kennel ever yelp." 
 
 Another slight comparison I think may 
 be drawn as follows : 
 
 Not with more horror roll'd my mother's eyes, 
 
 When to her disappointment and surprise, 
 
 I first, with faltering voice, presumed to mention, 
 
 That sudden, wild, and obstinate intention, 
 
 To abdicate the honours of the Bar, 
 
 And seek an idle hfe, 'midst pitch and tar. 
 
FILL OARLICK. 97 
 
 Not more alarm*d (pity the lines be lost !) ^ 
 
 " Was mad Orestes, when his mother's ghost > 
 " Full in his face, infernal torches tost." j 
 
 By these dread stories then it must appear 
 A laugh was far more distant than a tear ; 
 But Time would neither let us laugh nor cry. 
 So to the stable ran both Cham and I, 
 " Ho ! Ostler ! Ostler! quick, a chaise and pairl" 
 Ostler and chaise reechoed through the^ir. 
 Concerned to know what causM so damn'd a noise. 
 Out ran the ostler with his helper boys : 
 *' Who calls I,'* says one, " and I," says t'other, 
 " What o' Devil's name can make such pother?" 
 ^' No jaw l" says Cham, " but quick bring out a 
 
 ** chaise, 
 " Or you'll remember rae your longest days !*' 
 
 The ostler's voice near struck me dead as stone 
 When hoarse he cried " Our cLaises all are 
 
 " gone, 
 ** And of the horses there remains but one." — 
 
 " Of a bad thing to make the best," says Cham, 
 *' Proves a great soul and fairly tries the man, 
 " So have the goodness, master ostler pray, 
 " That horse to saddle without more delay. 
 " Now Ned my boy be pleas'd to mount be- 
 hind." 
 So up I got, and thought his offer kind, 
 Rut soon repented, as you soon shall fmd. 
 
 nt be- -^ 
 nd. y 
 
9^ LIFE OF 
 
 Off we set kicking like the very Devil ! 
 
 Yet of the two this was the smaller evil, 
 
 For hackney horses, it is too well known, 
 
 Do oftentimes upon their knees come down* 
 
 The beast indeed was sturdy, large, and tall, 
 
 And as the Poet* says, with eyes of wall, 
 
 I should say eye, for faith he had but one, 
 
 As th* ostler said, though Cham declared he'd 
 
 none. 
 His back was gall'd by harness or by pad, 
 A nd he who sat behind was gall'd as bad. 
 You'll guess we rode with speed and eke with 
 
 anger 
 tJntil we caught the coach— just close to Bangor^ 
 
 Had we not overtaken the coach where 
 we did, I must have been left friendless up. 
 on the road, from sheer inability to retain 
 my very uneasy position behind my worthy 
 antecedent. Without any further accident 
 we arrived in London, where Cham seized 
 the earhest opportunity of delivering up 
 his charge into the hands of one of my 
 mother's brothers who liad been previously 
 prepared for my arrival. I remained two 
 or three days in this large place to see 
 the wild beasts, the two men at St. Dun- 
 
 • Hudibras, 
 
PILL GARLICK. S9 
 
 Stan's clock, and the pictures in the cari- 
 cature shops. When 1 was satisfied (or 
 supposed to be so) we posted off to Ports- 
 moutli ; here my uncle left me on board 
 my ship, first bestowing his blessing upon 
 me with great fervency in the following 
 words, 
 
 " The benediction of all British Tars 
 
 " Fall on your head like pitch ! and may you 
 
 prove 
 "As worthy t* ascend Heaven as the ropes I*' 
 
 Then giving me a kick 
 
 " Just in the place where honour's lodged, 
 ** As wise Philosophers have judged," 
 
 he disappeared, for he was in a hurry to 
 return to town. — I am inclined to think 
 that my tender-hearted uncle, when lie 
 pronounced his pathetic ejaculation, had 
 revolved the following lines in his me- 
 mory, 
 
 " The benediction of these covering heavens 
 " Fall on their heads Kke dew, for they arc 
 
 worthy 
 •* To inlay Heaven with stars l" 
 
 F 2 
 
100 LIFE OF 
 
 'I Stood a few moments dumpish and 
 confused upon the quarter-deck, but my 
 cockM hat and heroical exterior soon at- 
 tracted a swarm of tari/ mids about me, 
 and with these I formed a very intimate ac- 
 quaintance, without that tedious perplexing 
 formality which 1 liave frequently found ne- 
 cessary among lords and ladies on shore. 
 The first place they conducted me, to was 
 down, down, down, the Lord knows how 
 deep ! 
 
 ^* Into the cockpit's darksome shade ! 
 
 ** Unknown to Sol's bright ray, 
 ^* Where no kind chink's assistant aid 
 
 " Admits the cheerful day." 
 
 I was shown my birth where I was to 
 mess, my hammock where I was to sleep, 
 and ten thousand other extraordinaries, 
 which I had not time to observe in the 
 Tromp, all of which appeared to me as 
 they do to every person for the first time, 
 marvellously curious! The cockpit, where 
 a midshipman is doomed to pass six years 
 of an amphibious life before he can arrive 
 even at the chance of a lieutenancy, de- 
 
PILL GARLICK. lOi 
 
 serves some notice ; I shall therefore lay 
 before my readers the extract of one of 
 my letters to Miss Vilkins some time after 
 1 had put to sea. 
 
 '' That part of a ship called the cockpit is a 
 dark cavern situate considerably below ihe 
 level of the sea; its latitude according to the 
 nicest observations may be reckoned from 
 20 to 30 feet, its longitude somewhat more 
 or less, and its altitude from 4ft. lOin. to 5 
 f^et. Tnere exists in all seasons of the year 
 a close kind of heat, rather remarkable for a 
 place in which the luxury of a fire is un- 
 known, and which is likewise totally imper 
 vious to the rays of the most scorching sun. 
 You may easily conceive, my dear Miss 
 Vilkins, that the atmospheric air to stran- 
 gers of a phthisical habit of body, cannot 
 be supposed to possess properties of a very 
 alimentary nature ; indeed the natives thein- 
 nelves, for the convenience of respiration, 
 are frequently obliged to have recourse to 
 the salubrious powers of ventilation, some- 
 limes by machinery, sometimes by wind- 
 sails, sometimes by both ; the mechanical 
 engines 1 know not how to describe more 
 explicitly than by comparing them in minia* 
 
102 IIFE OF 
 
 ture with those little toyish articles of ju- 
 venility called cuckoo I cuckoo ! — Wind- 
 sails are large cylindrical tubes made of 
 canvass or strong linen, resembling in form 
 that part of the intestines, by anatomists 
 denominated " gut ;" these windsails, cy» 
 lindrical tubes, or guts, by means of several 
 small hempen filaments concreted into a 
 jope, are suspended immediately over the 
 apertures in the deck, technically called 
 ' hatchways,* through which they pass din- 
 gle dangle like the rope in our well. In the 
 superior extremity of the sail is a large 
 chasm for the express purpose of collecting 
 the supernal air, and being opposed to 
 that quarter whence the breeze comes, 
 must of necessity obstruct its course, and 
 therefore, my dear Miss Vilkins, according 
 to the written laws of pneumatics, being 
 physically impossible to retreat or amal- 
 gamate with the passing gale, it rushes 
 vortically through the gut and purifies the 
 circumambient vapours below. 
 
 The capaciousness of this cavern is ex- 
 ceedingly diminished in consequence of an 
 apartment taken oflF from either side, the di- 
 mensions of which are commonly five feet 
 
PILL GARLICK. 103 
 
 square, though 1 have known them in very 
 large ships run from five and a half to six 
 feet 1 ! The apartment on the right is called 
 the starboard birth, that on Uie left the lar- 
 board; in these births dwell the very cu- 
 rious inhabitants of these very curious 
 regions, which have been known to contain 
 sixteen and twenty souls each, without 
 counting visitors male or female, who, 
 when the ship is in port, from curiosity, 
 amusementf or other motives, are some- 
 times to be seen amongst them. The ele- 
 gancies and luxuries of life, so detrimental 
 to the fortunes and constitutions of people 
 in a different sphere, have never been 
 known to introduce themselves to the cer- 
 tain contamination of that frugal simplicity 
 which has subsisted, according to their 
 own account, " since Adam was an oakum- 
 boy in Chatham >ard." A square oak table, 
 the generous gift of his most gracious Ma- 
 jesty, is the only piece of furniture, useful or 
 ornamental, with which the natives are not 
 obliged to supply themselves; benches or 
 stools, and perhaps a shelf for th^ display 
 of their fractured crockery, depend upon 
 the good disposition of the ship's carpen- 
 
i04f II FE OF 
 
 ter. The culinary utensils, seldom exceed- 
 ing a frying-pan and a capacious iron pot, 
 are easily concealed with their sea store, to 
 >vit, cabbage, pickled tripe, and celery seed, 
 underneath the oak table. The trades of 
 master's mates, surgeon's mates, captain's 
 clerks, but chiefly of midshipmen, are 
 those which these inhabitants usually fol- 
 low. 
 
 " At 8 o' clock A. M. they assemble in 
 their respective births to break their fast 
 up«n coffee manufactured in the frying- 
 pan, not from the famed Arabian berry, but 
 from that better known pulse the pea; this 
 pectoral liquor is dulcified with a spume or 
 scum from the juice of the sugar-cane, served 
 out by the purser, and called ' molasses/ 
 So soon as the Sun has attained his meri- 
 dional altitude the boatswain's mate pipes 
 to dinner. 
 
 " Wben down below, the gathering numbers 
 cram. 
 Contending crowders shout the frequent dam 
 
 I 
 
 ** And all is bustle, squeeze, row, jabbeiing, \ 
 and jam," 
 
PILL GARLICK. 105 
 
 " The births are thus instantly filled, to 
 the end that fair play may be observed 
 with the salt junk or lobscouse; the former 
 is King's beef, which has lain some years 
 in strong pickle; the latter a composition 
 of the week's remnants, two onions, the 
 shakings of the bread bag, salt, pepper, 
 and a sufficient quantity of water, (pure or 
 impure having no choice is of little conse- 
 quence) so as to render it of a consistency 
 conveniently adapted for the management 
 of a spoon; one hour by the sand-glass is 
 allowed for this repast, and indeed I have 
 seldom observed an instance where time is 
 so industriously employed in the object to 
 which it is appropriated. At eight bells, 
 t. e, four o* clock P. M. the ' natives* .igain 
 assemble with a violent rush to what they 
 call ' tea,' though I have been hitherto 
 unable to discover why they give it that 
 appellation, as it bears no sort of resem- 
 blance in colour, taste, or flavour to that 
 which you used sometimes treat me to 
 of a Sunday's evening. The intervening 
 hours of the day are usually employed, 
 (when the natives happen not to be asleep 
 across the table) in the pursuits of their 
 P 5 
 
106 LIFE OF 
 
 different trades. The master's mate cal- 
 culates upon his chance of promotion, if 
 two or three lieutenants are sent to glory 
 in the next action with the enemy ; or per- 
 haps despairing of such good fortune, he 
 exclaims, 
 
 " Oh ! curse upon that fatal day 
 
 " When I from home was led astray, 
 
 " In this daranM place to dwell I 
 " If wisely I at home had staid, 
 " I there had learn'd some honest trade, 
 
 " And scorn'd the white lapell !" 
 
 " The surgeon's mate is probably in the 
 Sick'bayj drawing up articles for the res- 
 toration of peace, and the reestablishment 
 of a sound constitution among the Cyprian 
 warriors. The Captain's clerk, under the 
 influence of Nip Cheese the purser, is in- 
 geniously disposing of slops and necessaries 
 to the accounts of dead men and deserters ; 
 well aware that such debtors are not likely 
 to appear at the pay table to dispute the 
 charges thus brought against them. The 
 midshipmen sit higgledy-piggledy, plodding 
 over the elements of navigation; ascertain- 
 ing the nearest distance between two given 
 
PILL GARLICK. 107 
 
 points, finding the centre of a given circle^ 
 dropping a perpendicurar, or in violent 
 debate proving to a demonstration that ^n 
 axiom "is a self evident truth, the reason- 
 ableness or simplicity of which cannot be 
 denied." On Saturday night these dull 
 professional matters give place to scenes 
 of festive gaiety, the scale and compasa 
 are throvrn aside for the black-jack filled 
 with grog, or purser's swipes, or black strap, 
 
 according as eitlier may be had ; close 
 
 wedged round the table, the caterer cries 
 out, ** Top the glim !** — top ! top ! top I top ! 
 bursts from every mouth, and echoes 
 through the wooden cell. The glim, you 
 must know, is that blinking tallow star 
 which is supported by some means or other 
 in the centre of the table, and is the only 
 luminary that reflects the beams of light 
 upon these regions. He who last pronoun- 
 ces '* top!" forfeits the use of his fore- 
 finger and thumb to his messmates, and 
 is instantly obliged to decapitate the glim. 
 This clamorous operation at an end, their 
 old stories and their old songs are all re- 
 peated in exact rotation, and listened to 
 with increased delight, till ''topi" 8gaii| 
 
108 ' LIFE OF 
 
 sets the table in a roar ! Unlike the fickle 
 tastes of weathercock land lubbers, they 
 adhere to old ceremonies, and find no- 
 velty in repetition; how often have I rap- 
 turously applauded and joined in the deaf- 
 ening chorus of 
 
 *< Saturday night still comes my boys, to drink 
 
 to Poll and Bess 1" 
 xr 
 How often have I seen the tear of pity 
 
 forced from the eye by the melail^choly 
 
 heart-rending strain of 
 
 " Come listen to a seaman's ditty T' 
 
 Their singing perbaps^to a judicious ear, 
 like yours my dear Miss Vilkins, would not 
 afford exquisite pleasure, for they scorn 
 submission to scientific rules, or to the 
 outlandish insignificance of Opera embel- 
 lishments ; their songs are 
 
 «* made to please 
 
 *' The herd of hearers, not to win applause 
 «« From stubborn critics or fastidious taste." 
 
 ^f Sometimes indeed thestrepituosity of their 
 tongues, aided by the life-cheering can. 
 Tenders the modulation of ordinary dis- 
 ,course inaudible, and occasions some pa- 
 roxysms of hilarity bordering upon tur- 
 bulence j but these spasms of the mind are 
 
PILL GARLICK. 109 
 
 immediately Iranquillised by ihe Master at 
 Anm or ShipVCorporal, wlio makes his 
 appearance hoarsely exclaiming, ** ou light, 
 out light, gentlemen, out light!" to whom the 
 caterer — *' What ! douse our glim aheady ! 
 damn my eyes that's sharp work 1 — here 
 goes, — puff!'* — the glim is doused; the 
 tumultuous assembly is dissolved; each 
 gropes his way to his hammock over chests, 
 bags, cables, and tables, " through inner 
 and ihrougli middle darkness," or rather 
 through the '* palpable obscure;" — the 
 songs and stories are remitted till the next 
 Saturday, and so on regularly for six, seven, 
 eight years ; nay, there are not wanting 
 examples of some who have dwelt in this 
 cavern twelve and thirteen years in the 
 capacity of Midshipmen I You cannot 
 suppose from what has been said, that a 
 Midshipman's life is the most wretched in 
 the world; far from it; they themselves 
 count two situations worse than their own, 
 — — **a Midshipman's boy, and a W— 's 
 maid!" I would say much more if my 
 modesty did not whisper — 
 
 ** That brevity is very good 
 
 " When w'are or are not understood." 
 
110 LIFE OF 
 
 *^ I shall therefore free your patience till 
 a better opportunity offers of presenting 
 you with a larger testimony in this kind 
 of my love, and be assured that I shall 
 never esteem myself absolutely miserable 
 whilst I have hberty to call myself, dear 
 Miss Vilkins, 
 
 " Yours entirely, 
 
 " Ned." 
 
 The abode of these jolly sea-fighting 
 reefers is somewhere or other poetically 
 described nearly as follows: 
 
 Deep in that fabric where Britannia boasts 
 O'er seas to waft her thunder and her hosts 
 A cavern lies ! unknown to cheering day, 
 Where one small taper lends its feeble ray ; 
 AVhere wild disorder holds her heedless reigq, 
 And careless mortals frolic in her train ; 
 Hammocks, chests, bags, all in confusion lie. 
 And form a chaos to th' intruding eye ! 
 Thus is the Cockpit, where all Mids are met. 
 On social mirth and sportive pastime set, 
 In cheering grog the loud discourse goes round. 
 And not a care in all the circle's found; 
 Promotion, mess- debts, absent friends and love, 
 Inspired by hope, in turn their topics prove -, 
 
PILL GARLICK. Ill 
 
 'Gainst proud superiors now they each start up. 
 And curse all discipline in ample cup, 
 At slavery rail, scorn lawless sway to hell, 
 And damn the power allow'd a white lapcU ! 
 Thus talk the Cockpit Mids who rank abuse, ^ 
 Yet never deign that self same rank refuse. > 
 (We might to all mankind address the Muse !) ) 
 But think not meanly of this humble seat. 
 Whence sprung the heroes of the British fleet ; 
 Revere the sacred spot, however low, 
 Which trained to glory Nelson ! Ilawke ! and 
 Howe I 
 
 An intimate friend, of whose judgmeiU 
 and understandino; 1 entertain a very tole- 
 rable opinion, happened to pay me a morn- 
 ing visit just as I had hammered partly out 
 of my brain, and partly out of my memory, 
 ihe above brilliant sparks of Pegasean fire; 
 after kindly informing me of the state of 
 the weather, (the usual introductory rules 
 of conversation) I handed him my cockpit 
 theme, £ confess somewhat confidently, 
 as I felt happy at having so good an op- 
 portunity of amusing him. While he was 
 perusing it, I need not teli you how stead- 
 fastly I fixed my eyes on his countenance, 
 expecting the smile of approbation at th© 
 
112 LIFE OF 
 
 end of every line ; nor how I felt the rea! 
 sense of '' throwing pearls before swine/' 
 when with an air of nonchalance he threw 
 the paper on the table with a *Miem !'*— 
 " Don't you like those lines, John r" said 1. 
 f'Why — a — to tell you the truth I don't 
 understand them," said he. " Don't un- 
 derstand them ! why they are as plain as 
 the nose on your face/ said 1, but T pro- 
 test the allusion was nothing more than 
 what is commonly meant by that phrase ; 
 however, my friend happening to have that 
 feature of his face so considerably beyond the 
 beautiful symmetry of nature as often to have 
 attracted the pleasantry of his friends, (and 
 I believe foes) he therefore took it as a se- 
 'rious affront, and told me that he "never 
 read such pitiful trash in all his days!" I 
 got angry, — he got angry. — 
 
 '' Prithee friend/' says I, don't distract 
 thy sconce about the matter, but point me 
 out one single fault !" " Fifty !'* says he . 
 " what the devil do you mean by your 
 ' Mids who rank abuse, and yet never that 
 Tank refuse^ and then to all mankind ad- 
 dress your muse ?' what's all that ?" " Just 
 listen to me one moment/* says I, '* and 1*11 
 
PILL GARLICK. 113 
 
 explain all that; — in the first place it hap- 
 pens to be the most beautiful [>art of the 
 whole poem ! every word in those three 
 lines has point an4 beauty ! the first clearly 
 alludes to the discontent of people in low 
 rank, the second alludes to the joy and 
 pride of obtaining that situation which we 
 abused when beyond our reach, and the 
 third tends to prove that Midshipmen in 
 that respect do not differ from the rest of 
 mankind." " I don't see that," says my 
 friend with a sneer. *' Why/* says I (strik- 
 ing the table with one hand) '' Is it not 
 one of the strange contradictions of the 
 human character, to censure and abuse 
 others, whilst above our own condition, yet 
 fall into the same errors when we rise to be 
 their equal ? you must have read as well as I 
 * that nothing is more hateful to a poor man 
 than the purse-proud arrogance of a rich 
 one.' Let Fortune shift the scene, and 
 iH,ake the poor man rich, he runs at once 
 into the vice that he declainred against so 
 feelingly ; — does not this happen every 
 day r" " I don't know that it does," re- 
 plied my friend. At this I raised my voice, 
 and said, ' Mon cher ami, quand des hommes 
 
114- LIFE OF 
 
 cclains dispute nt long terns, il y a grande 
 apparence que la question nest pas claire !'* — 
 My friend rose from his seat, and said in 
 the most provoking mtyii er, 
 
 " *Tis strange how some mens' tempers suit 
 " (Like bawd and brandy) with dispute, 
 ** That for their own opinions stand fast 
 " Only to have them cluw'd and canvast.'* 
 
 He then took his hat and approached the 
 door, I followed him hastily, saying, 
 
 I write for pastime, so all sneers disdain. 
 My boson/s honf st if my style's not plain, 
 Vve humbly thus describ'd a naval scene, 
 Kor fear the critic's frown, nor pedant's spleen — 
 
 then slapped the door in his face, " En 
 
 veritt sil y a bien de mauvais autews' — ( I 
 believe it is Gil Bias who speaks, but you 
 shall have it in true English) — * Indeed if 
 there be many bad authors, the unpreju- 
 diced must agree there are twice as many 
 bad critics; and when I think of the abuse 
 poor poets have to undergo, I am astonish- 
 ed that there are any found courageous 
 
PILL GARlICK. 115 
 
 enough to oppose the criticisms of so ig- 
 norant a muhitucle, and the dangerous cen- 
 sure of halt learned pedants, who too often 
 succeed in corrupting the taste of the pub- 
 he!" It frequently happens that the eye 
 of a critic is like a microscope, made so 
 very fine and nice, that it discovers the 
 atoms, grains, and minutest particles, with- 
 out ever comprehending the whole, com- 
 paring the paits, or seeing all at once the 
 harmony ; as a further illustration take the 
 following Unes: 
 
 ** In wit, as nature, what affects our hearts 
 " Is not th' exactness of peculiar parts ; 
 " Tis not a lip or cheek we beauty call, 
 " But the joint force and full result of all." 
 
 " This you know, and my tale too minute 
 ** Vexes the ear " 
 
 The Defiance was going through some 
 repairs in Portsmouth harbour, during 
 which time 1 had several opportunities of 
 inspecting the wonders of that wonderful 
 Dockyard! and also of seeing the gibbet 
 of Jack the Painter. The captain, a 
 
I 16 LIFE OF 
 
 most excellent worthy good man, often 
 had me with the rest of bis followers {fol- 
 lower may be applied to a spaniel or any 
 puppy dog, but in this instance signifies 
 those mids who are under the immediate 
 care of the captain) to breakfast on shore 
 at his lodgings, an honour midshipmen so 
 seldom experience, that of course 1 feel 
 the full weight of the obligation, and 
 deem it worthy to be transmitted to my 
 latest posterity. This captain was also 
 proverbial for cleanliness, and always kept 
 the heads of his midshipmen close shaved. 
 lu the cockpit we were under the disci- 
 pline of a master's mate who was in every 
 sense of the word a sailor; his dress was 
 the emblem of hrs profession, nothing 
 gaudy, or in any way more remarkable than 
 a lary blue jacket and trowsers, loosely 
 thrown over a check shirt; he never en- 
 cumbered his person with waistcoats or 
 stockings, his long thick jet black tail dan- 
 gled to the waistband of his trowsers, and 
 his whiskers of the same colour as his 
 queue, gracefully ascended in wiry curls to 
 the cheek bone, and through the lower 
 part, his chin had but just room to obtrude 
 
PILL GARLICK. 117 
 
 its dusky extremity. Every evening be- 
 fore he *' turned in" he smoked his pipe 
 and drank his pot of *' cobler's nog," but 
 never seemed truly happy except when up 
 to his elbows in pitch and tar; he always 
 strictly performed his duty, and to my 
 knowledge made others as strictly perform 
 theirs. For the purpose of commanding 
 obedience, as well as maintaining peace 
 among the youngsters, he carried in his 
 right hand pocket, a piece of half-inch rope 
 measuring in length three feet, more or 
 less ; one end was knotted and tar'd, and 
 called plum pudding; the other was 
 smooth and even, and called plain pudding: 
 these puddings were liberally served out 
 to offenders according to the nature and 
 (kgree of their offence. Now that all re- 
 lish for those kind of dainties have, or ought 
 to have, subsided, I may confess that 
 plum pudding commonly fell to my 
 share. 1 managed more than once to 
 commit these puddings to the deep, but 
 so expert was he in this description of 
 cookery, that he never was at a loss to re- 
 pJace them as occasion required, though 
 
118 LIFE OF 
 
 I was frequently (through pique no doubt) 
 induced to tell him that he was neither 
 
 Pastry-cook nor pasty-cook. 
 
 But a d— mna n'd nasty cook ! 
 
 I feel great pleasure in being able to 
 add that this master's mate has long 
 since risen, through his own merit, to the 
 head of his most honourable profession ; 
 and to the great credit of himself and 
 family has distinguished his name more 
 than once in the service of his country, to 
 which he zealously devoted himself at a 
 very early age. 
 
 When our repairs were finished we 
 dropped down to Spithead, and sailed 
 from thence to join the Channel fleet, to 
 the flying squadron of which the Defiance 
 belonged. Shortly after this, my Captain 
 was appointed to the Atlas of 98 guns, 
 lying in Torbay, and immediately repaired 
 to his new command, taking all his wine 
 and a few followers with him ; among the 
 number was Pill Garlick! 
 
 All sailors give themselves the name of 
 Pill Garlick when relating: their own adien- 
 
PILL GARLICK. 11^^ 
 
 tures, or any story relative to themselves ; 
 this then is to give notice that hencefor- 
 ward I shall embellish myself with the ap- 
 pellation of Pill Garlick! 
 
 In that pleasing month of May, Pill 
 Garlick sailed for Bantry Bay, (Poeta 
 nascitur nonjit ! I must have^been born one I) 
 in company with thirty sail of the line. I 
 must now, according to the promise held 
 out in the Argument of this Chapter, 
 (though I don't mean to say it is ei- 
 ther necessary or customary to adhere to 
 the text,) give a display of my descriptive 
 powers. It is likewise an extract of a letter 
 to Miss Vilkins. 
 
 " Bantry Bay is a very fine harbour on 
 the S.W. coast of that part of his Majesty's 
 dominions called Ireland ; I deem it large 
 enough to contain with ease the whole of 
 our Navy; the shores are a combination 
 of remarkably high rocks with very little 
 verdure upon them. Hungry Hill (an 
 excellent name for it) under which the 
 Atlas anchored, is prodigiously grand, being 
 near three English, if not Irish miles high, 
 but from the numerous bogs and rocky 
 precipices which interfere, it would require 
 
1£0 LIFE OF 
 
 £i\e cr six hours to reach the suirimii, from 
 whence may be seen, that is if one gets 
 there, an infinity of barren rocky chffs, 
 and towering cloud-capt mountains. 
 In that decrepid season of the year 
 
 «* When the Sun to us a niggard of his rays, 
 " Revelleth with our Antipodes,' ' 
 
 *' These mountains are wholly embo- 
 soiiJed in snow, and thatvvhich is detached 
 from the summits or crevices, rolls down 
 with an amazing rapidity into the plains. 
 Fortunately those avalanches in their des- 
 cent act only on inanimate nature; what- 
 ever direction they take they seldom en- 
 counter living beings or the abodes of men. 
 All is desert in these regions for vast ex- 
 tent, where industry has gained no con- 
 quest over the solitary domain of primitive 
 creation. Here is an extensile lake which 
 among its piscatory tribe has trout, some 
 I have heen assured, weighing twenty 
 pounds avoirdupoise; the bay is also re. 
 plete with fish of all kinds, tiscous and 
 testaceous; but where there are few boats 
 and fewer nets, the people, I presume, 
 
PILLGARUCK. 121 
 
 cannot be much benefited by these watery 
 denizens, indeed the potatoe, an esculent 
 root common in those parts, appeared to 
 me to be their only food. The immense 
 " Hungry HilT affords shelter to eagles, 
 grouse, hares, foxes, and in tiie proper 
 season, I am told, to woodcocks, but not a 
 ivvig grows upon the steep, the foot of 
 which inclines in a gentle rugged slope 
 towards the sea, and is constantly inter- 
 sected with bog. Time will not now allow 
 me to determine with greater precision 
 the different regions of these mountains, 
 nor shall I attempt to characterize them 
 by the productions of nature which I 
 found there; aU these general considera- 
 tions I leave for the pens of travellers who 
 may chuse to undertake them. The in- 
 habitants of this place live in filthy ca- 
 bins which contain their hogs and poultry 
 in common with themselves, and like the 
 generality of Irish peasantry, seldom wear 
 shoes or stockings, are extremely dirty, and 
 many have hardly sufficient rags, patched to- 
 gether harlequin fashion, to hide their naked- 
 ness. In respect to mental qualities they 
 re estemed cunning, ignorant, proud, and 
 
122 IIFE OF 
 
 tenacious, they enticed many of our sea* 
 men to desert, and cheated us sadJy in the 
 measure of potatoes. One offered to sell his 
 daujjhter to an Irish Lieutenant of Marines 
 for twenty guineas in gold ; the girl was 
 plump, about seventeen, and willing to go. 
 Any person who has visited the Continent 
 will not be much surprized at this meretrici- 
 ous kind of marketing, as I can assure you, 
 my dear Miss Vilkins, it is there no very 
 micommon circumstance for a young man 
 to bargain for and to purchase a hand- 
 some maiden from the father or mother. 
 
 Ihe day before we sailed, O* Sulivan 
 and nine or ten of his daughters came on 
 hoard the Atlas to eat, drink, and dan'ce; 
 all had on foul white dresses over abomi- 
 nable dirty petticoats, except one; and 
 she sported a most filthy corduroy spencer, 
 ivhich hardl}^ served to conceal from the 
 prying eyes of admiration her equally filthy 
 pea-green gown. Their hair was not a 
 little tumbled from frequent scratching, an 
 amusement to which they appeared ex- 
 tremely partial, even while taking theii* 
 refreshment, which some did with their 
 plates in their laps ; others crammed their 
 
JPILL GARLlCJv. J2$ 
 
 mouths till the food hung down their 
 chins ; such a repast we never witnessed 
 before ! 
 
 " Thus all the guests impail'd with dishes sat, 
 ** And wanted nought to crown the appetite 
 " With rich content." 
 
 *< The table groan d, as though the feast 
 
 " Would, as the flood, destrov all fowl and beast!" 
 
 After a reasonable portion of grog and 
 song, they kicked up to the sounds of fid- 
 dles and drums, and exercised all the 
 powers of distortion ; had Miss Owenson 
 seen this assembly tripping on the light fan- 
 fastic toe, I am sure she would never have 
 called dancing the " Poetry of motion." 
 
 How they did turn, return, advance, and thump 
 Th' unhappy deck with heel and toe alternate 1 
 And how they did, like polecats strong, inf«ct 
 The poison d air, more loath'd than Lerna, or 
 The Stygian lake, whose scent could poison 
 thought. 
 
 The man O'Sulivan must certainly be 
 a man of great parts, for besides his being 
 near six feet high, he was skilled in draw- 
 G 2 
 
124 LIFE OF PILL GARLICK. 
 
 iiig teeth, opening issues, prescribing nos- 
 tnuns ; in short, like the Medecin malgre 
 iuij he was the wonder of the whole neigh- 
 bourhood for bleeding, blistering, clyster- 
 ing, vomiting, purging, and cupping. 
 
 We remained in this heaven, [(haven, I 
 should say) till the ships had got a supply of 
 water and repaired their sea wear and tear, 
 then resumed their blockading station off 
 Brest, 
 
ARGUMENT. 
 
 A grand naval scene.— The Old Atlas bnmps a hole io 
 her bottom.— Pill Garlic becomes dissati>fied with a 
 three decker, — and why, — Is appointed to a frigate.— 
 Arrives at Portsmouth in quest of her.- Exceeding 
 mortification upon hearing that his ship had gone, to 
 another v orld !— Meets a first cousin in high glee at 
 his entry upon tUe life of a midshipman— Pill Garlick 
 returns much chagrined to the Old Atlas. — Soon after 
 in good humour joins the Maidstone frigate. — Sails for 
 Oporto, but is blown into the Tagus — Coiicis<» descrip- 
 tion of the beauties of Lisbon. — A muddy cascade, — 
 Pill Garliclc evinces both modesty and prudence.— 
 Returns to England with a large convoy. — A French 
 flotilla soundly drubbed. — I'ill Garlick follows Don 
 Ro&so Nod Nelly into the Narcissus. — Sails for the 
 Mediterranean with a valuable Cirgo. — Discharges it 
 at Algiers. — Visits Malta. — Toulon. — Leghorn.— Pa- 
 lermo. — Kii!g of Naples and family shake a leg on 
 board the Narcissus. — Pill Garlick overwhelmed witb 
 honours. — Messina. — Sardinia, — Warm description of 
 an amorous Prince. — Naples. 
 
127 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Majestically slow before the hreezr, 
 Thry moved triumphant o'er the yielding seas ; 
 Grand tower'd the masts, the canvass swelled on high, 
 And waving streamers floated in the sky ; 
 IVherc'er they stcerM, the trcmbliii); foe was seci> 
 To hail Britannia and confess her Queen*! 
 
 No matter how, no matter when, but 
 certain it is the combined fleets of the 
 enemy had a very narrow escape from the 
 British, who chased them from the Medi- 
 terranean so close, that the headmost ships 
 of our fleet saw the sternmost of the 
 enemy's entering the port of Brest. Af- 
 ter this truly vexatious disappointment the 
 the British Admiral (" God bless the 
 Regent and the Duke of York") 
 
 • A free poeiic imitation, and supposed to be from the 
 Shipwreck, — a poem. 
 
1^:8 LIFE OF 
 
 steered for Torbay, and there joined the 
 channel fleet: the junction oi* these two 
 fleets formed the grandest naval scene 
 that ever did or perhaps ever will present 
 itself again in the life of Pill Garlick. I'll 
 trouble you to fancy for a moment, fifty 
 four sail of British line of battle ships — 
 mind British line of battle ships ; nine or 
 ten frigates, thirteen or fourteen sloops and 
 cutters, besides a great number of smaller 
 vessels of different descriptions, moored 
 ^vith the nicest order in this spacious semi- 
 lunar bay, whose folding arms seem proud 
 of their embrace, and enclose (as 1 have 
 somewhere informed myself) a circumfe- 
 lence of nearly ten miles; its winding 
 shores on both sides screened with grand 
 ramparts of rocks, that spurn the waves 
 which rise to assault their empire; stately 
 trees, who lend their aid to Britannia's 
 bulwark, growing all around, but in the 
 central part with the greatest luxuriance ; 
 there reclining beauty may slumber secure 
 from the intruder's gaze, for so closel}^ 
 has Nature wrought her leafy network, as 
 to preclude all entrance even to the trans- 
 piercing beams of Phoebus. — There the 
 
PILL GARLICK. 129 
 
 soft whispering of gentle Zephyrs, joined 
 with the sweet bubbling of the liquid 
 waves beneath, and the warbling strain of 
 the forest choir, seem to invite the sea- 
 sick passenger to come and view the beau- 
 ties which Nature's inimitable pencil has 
 so exquisitely sketched. Fancy, I say, 
 these high cliffs, against which the sea 
 sometimes foams and throws his angry 
 billows, and sometimes with a wooing noise 
 leaps up and down in amorous dance, as 
 if to kiss their cheeks ; but they, scorning 
 bis fond embrace, repel him back, when 
 he 
 
 " with terror driven 
 
 *^ Drops down again in tears." . 
 
 Add to this the unrivalled fleet of Great 
 Britain riding at anchor in all its glory, 
 each ship displaying a splendid ensign and 
 pendant with scarce a patch in one of 
 ihem ; again and again I say, fancy all this 
 and tell me if you please, has a view of 
 such grandeur and magnificence ever be- 
 fore been exhibited to your curious eye f 
 
 The King, it was said, had proposed 
 
130 I^IFE OF 
 
 taking a trip to Torbay, to see this his 
 invincible fleet, but by some accident was 
 afterwards prevented; however the first 
 Lord of the Admiralty paid us a visit, 
 and was rowed through the fleet in the 
 Admiral's barge, each ship with her yards 
 manned, firing a salute and giving three 
 cheers as he passed. Manning the yards, 
 (for the information of the ladies) is the 
 greatest honour a ship of war can pay, 
 and is never practised but on grand occa- 
 sions. The sailors being dressed according 
 to the taste of their respective captains, 
 (for instance some ship's companies all in 
 white, some all in blue, some in blue 
 jackets and white trowsers, some with red 
 waistcoats and some with none,) upon a 
 particular signal from the Admiral they 
 jange themselves before you can say 
 **■ Jack Robinson !'* in the greatest order 
 upon the yards, and those ships who from 
 their particular neatness, or smartness, 
 have acquired the name of Dashers, have 
 commonly a youngster perched upon each 
 truck, which perhaps you do not know, 
 ladies, is the tip top of a ship's mast. 
 When the Admiral in his great politeness 
 
PILL GARLICK. 131 
 
 (he being master of the ceremonies) thinks 
 the person or persons we are saluting have 
 been honoured enough, he makes a second 
 signal, when all hands immediately skip in 
 oil' the yards, and hop down the rigging — 
 Thus ends a very pretty piece of naval eti- 
 quette called ** manning the yards." 
 
 Shortly after this period the Atlas lost 
 her rudder, while riding out a most trcinert' 
 dous storm at single anchor in Torbay, 
 which obliged us, so soon as time and 
 circumstances admitted, to return to Ply- 
 mouth, where the old ship, to use the tech- 
 nical phrase, nearly left her bones behind 
 her ; for in going into that harbour ihc 
 temporary rudder with which she was pro^ 
 vided, by some unlucky accident gave way, 
 and bang she went upon the rocks, some- 
 thing perhaps not very unlike Falconer's ship^ 
 
 *' Swift up the foaming billow now she flies, 
 
 " Her shatter a top half buried in the skies, 
 
 ** Borne o*er a latent reef the hull impends, 
 
 ** Then thund'ring on ihe rocky crag descends ; 
 
 ** Her ponderous bulk the dire concussion feels^ 
 
 " And o'er upheaving surges wounded reels ! 
 
 *^ Again she plunges ; hark ! a second shocl; 
 
 *^ Bilges the splitting vessel on the rock.— ^'* 
 
1S2 LIFE OF 
 
 " Her shattered top** indeed was not long 
 " half buried in the skies/' because the 
 boatswain was obliged to pipe 
 
 *' Haste with your weapons, cut the shrouds and 
 
 stay*, 
 " And fore and aft hew all the masts away 1 
 ** Th' attentive sailors soon on either side 
 "At his command the trembling cords divide, 
 ** Fast by each fated pine a seaman stands, 
 " Th' impatient axe hangs gleaming in his hands ; 
 " Brandish'd on high, it falls with dreadful sound, 
 *' The tall masts groaning feel the deadly wound. 
 '* Deep gash'd with blows, the tott'ring structure 
 
 rings, 
 *' And crashing! thundering! o'er the quarter 
 
 swings [*' 
 
 The immense masts^ yards, and rigging 
 of a huge three-decker all '^ groaning/' 
 ** tottering/' " ringing," " crashing/' ^' thun- 
 dering/' *' swinging'* over the ship's side, at 
 the same instant, we may suppose have a very 
 awful, threatening, astonishing, astounding, 
 dizzy-eyed, fear-exciting appearance. Our 
 situation was truly perilous, for the severe 
 
 * stay does not here mean halt, stand, stop ; if means 
 the large tary rope that ttuyi or supports a mast. 
 
PILL GARLICK. 135 
 
 bumping the old ship received on her hot- 
 •torn, caused lier to make water so copiously, 
 that upon sounding we found six feet water 
 in the hold ; our signals of distress drew 
 boats to our assistance, which after very 
 great exertion got the ship afloat, and tow- 
 ed her up the beautiful harbour of Ha- 
 moaze, where she went into dock, und after 
 undergoing a thorough repair, once more 
 took her station in the channel fleet; a 
 station of which I became so weary, that 
 I one morning borrowed a sheet of paper 
 and wrote to my friends, to recjuest they 
 would use their interest for my removal 
 into a frigate, for I remarked that the 
 Mids who served on board frigates attained 
 more knowledge of their profession in six 
 months than I did (that is to say Mids who 
 serve in three deckers) in nearly two years; 
 besides, I was i>ever once detached iroia 
 tbe Channel fleet, a circumstance very dis- 
 tressing to one who went to sea to visit 
 foreign parts ; it therefore cannot be a 
 subject of wonder that I should have pes- 
 tered my family and friends to be removed 
 from a dull, heavy, Wc&t^Country^dung^ 
 barge (for so the Atlas from her sedate uie- 
 
134 LIFE OF 
 
 thod of sailing was commonly entitled) into 
 a dashing frigate, where I might have an 
 opportunity of roving about, and making 
 up in some slight degree for the knowledge 
 1 lost by the renunciation of the law. Ic 
 is allowed that the faculties of the mind 
 stagnate by confinement, and on the con- 
 trary, that change of place will naturally 
 produce vicissitude of ideas ; indeed I have 
 been informed by the perusal of several 
 diurnal, nocturnal, and hebdomadal essays 
 from the pen of that great colossus of li- 
 terature ! Doctor Samuel Johnson, L. L. D. 
 that " the love of variety is a passion na- 
 turally implanted in the human breast, nor 
 perhaps is the rational creature segregated 
 from the brute, by any more discernible 
 discrimination than an eager desire to visit 
 different countries, to explore new objects, 
 and to accumulate fresh materials for the 
 versatility of contemplative investigation." 
 But to return to my letter ; it was written 
 with such pains, so clean, and so well spell- 
 ed, that it gained all my friends to my 
 favour; it was immediately sent with a 
 vast deal of confidence to Lord P. Lord 
 P. rather pleased with it, sent it by the 
 
FILL GARLICK. 1S5 
 
 twopenny post to Lord V, Lord V. was 
 acquainted with a gentleman's wife who 
 was very intimate with a brother of one of 
 the Lords of the Admiralty, through whose 
 interest a short order was issued upon long 
 paper, for the discharge of Pill Garlick 
 from H. M. S. Athis into H. M. S. Maid- 
 stone of 32 guns, commanded by Captain 
 Don Rosso Nod Nelly, a tall, stout, good- 
 looking man with an aquiline nose, who 
 wished I believe to be considered one of 
 the strictest disciplinarians in the service, 
 but it is supposed he failed in this wish ; 
 perhaps for the same reason that a dancing- 
 master fails in making a bow, because he 
 wishes to do it too well*. Captain Don 
 Rosso Nod Nelly certainly did not want for 
 good sense^ but 
 
 " Good sense, you know, is vain in critics' sight, 
 " Should you want judgment to direct it right; 
 " Good sense is surely an important part, 
 ** But yet unaided, fails to touch the heart." 
 
 Verb. sat. sap* 
 
 * On dit que les maitres d danser font md la uWretlHp 
 parccqu'ils la wuUnt trop bitnfaire. 
 
1S6 LIFE or 
 
 I sailed in a violent hurry from Plymouth 
 on board a fishing smack to join the Maid- 
 stone, which I expected to find at Spithead, 
 but upon arriving there I v^as informed to 
 my utter consternation that she had just 
 sailed vi^ith a convoy to America! I had 
 the gratification to pass through this fine 
 convoy on my passage from Plymouth, but 
 never dreamt that the ship I was in pur- 
 suit of had charge of it, or was bound to 
 the new world. 
 
 I disembarked at Portsmouth, and went 
 to the Blue Posts, where I met a first cou- 
 sin and name-sake, who hke myself pre- 
 ferred a man of war to a fusty school room, 
 and was now full speed to join the Seahorse 
 of S6 guns ; I shook hands with him, say" 
 ing, ^' bear a hand my tight fellow, or your 
 ship may sail for America." 
 
 I called for a pint of porter, and sat dowtt 
 to calculate how much sooner 1 should be 
 an Admiral than my cousin, who had just 
 embarked ; but in this calculation I wasted 
 both my time and my ink, as Fortune wish- 
 ed to amuse herself a little longer at my 
 expence, a circumstance which 1 may or 
 may not explain ia the sequel j at present 
 
PILL GARLICK. 157 
 
 allow me to repeat that saying which I be- 
 lieve there is great truth in, " No man hath 
 a tliorou^h taste of prosperity, to whom 
 adversity never happened.'* But 
 
 Never seem to mind it, 
 
 Nor give your fate a curse, 
 However hard you find it, 
 
 Some other still is worse. 
 
 The low state of my funds did not admit 
 of a long delay in the Blue Posts; so I 
 stepped on board a passage-boat bound to 
 l*lymouth, snd rejoined with a heavy heart 
 the old Atlas, where I waited impatiently 
 the Maidstone's return to England, an event 
 which to my great joy happened in the 
 course of a few months, when I took spe- 
 cial care she could not again give me the 
 slip for America. 
 
 The first place we sailed for was Oporto, 
 in charge of a very large convoy; hut after 
 being buffelted about for nearly two months 
 by furious gales of wind, we were obliged 
 to take refuge with our scattered and dis- 
 abled fleet in the river Tagus, and indeed 
 I thought our rolling about the Bay of 
 Biscay was amply repaid by the beauties 
 
13S LIFE OF 
 
 of the harbour of Lisbon, which is esteemed 
 one of the finest in the world, and can re- 
 ceive several thousand sail without incon- 
 venience. Nothing can be more beautiful 
 than the appearance of the Tagus when a 
 fleet is coming in ; and a view of the me- 
 tropolis at a distance is also truly magnifi- 
 cent. Of a closer acquaintance, however, 
 I am by no means ambitious; the practice 
 of voiding all sorts of utensils from the 
 windows, cannot but be known to every one 
 who has ventured to walk through the 
 streets of Lisbon, The following adventure 
 must convince my readers of the ybw/ op- 
 portunity which i had of discovering the 
 consistency of one of those muddy cascades. 
 — Walkmg one morning very deliberately 
 with some brother mids to breakfast at the 
 lodgings of Captain Don Rosso Nod Nelly, 
 I had the good luck (I say good luck, for 
 it is a popular saying, that — * luck 
 
 » Historians say, that at the battle of Agincourt the 
 English army being grievously afflicted with the mulli- 
 grubs, King Henry commanded them to fi^hi sam-cidoUes ; 
 ■whence, and from the glorious result of that battle, sprung 
 the fashionable adage. — But Quod that which, est is, 
 facdum f.,ul, factu to be done, idem the same, est is, turj^e 
 filthy, diciu to he spoken. 
 
PILL GARLICK. 139 
 
 is good luck) to receive one squash in the 
 middle of my cocked hat ; I looked aloft, 
 but all satisfaction from the filthy offender 
 was out of the question, so I spit out, shook 
 myself, and continued my walk. 
 
 I fain would tell what all my messmates said, 
 AVben first the golden dew fell on my head ; 
 But when the Muse attempts a dang'rous height. 
 Prudence steps in and moderates her flight; 
 From further comment then my pen I hold, 
 And let my readers say, (without being told) 
 ** Wisely he manages his wealthy store, 
 ♦* Still says enough, and yet implies still more ; 
 ** For though the weighty sense be closely 
 
 wrought, 
 ** He leaves us all t' Improve the pleasing 
 
 thought." 
 
 After a very pleasant stay Cnotwithstand- 
 this fragrant salute) we sailed for Oporto, 
 where we laid in a good stock of wine for 
 Saturday night's entertainment; filling every 
 pot, kettle, and pan capable of containing 
 a draught of that exhilarating j uice. There 
 is a little enigmatical jeu d'esprit relative to 
 the entrance into Oporto harbour, which 
 for the exercise of my reader's wit 1 shall 
 insert here. 
 
140 LIFE OF 
 
 Riddle me riddle me ree, 
 Tell me what this riddle can be, 
 Por want of water we drank water, 
 If we had water we'd have drank wine. 
 
 From Oporto we sailed for England, with 
 a convoy consisting of upwards of one 
 hundred and fifty sail, which (with the 
 trifling exception of one vessel captured by 
 a French privateer in the British Channel) 
 we conducted safe to Spithead. Captain 
 Don Rosso Nod Nelly was upon this occa- 
 sion voted a handsome piece of plate by 
 the merchants concerned in the trade, for 
 his zealous exertions in protecting so very 
 large a fleet with a single frigate, at a time 
 the enemy's privateers were very numerous, 
 both in the bay of Biscay and the Chan- 
 nel ; indeed, to give the Devil his due, 
 there were or perhaps are few better or 
 more active officers in the British service 
 than my friend Don Rosso^ and if I thought 
 it would materially serve either him or his 
 family, I vvould gladly make him the hand- 
 some and valuable present of a neat 
 
 edition of Pill Garlick; perhaps tzco, if I 
 was not aware that, " Les louanges excessives 
 et mal plac^es ne font honneur ni a ceux qui 
 les dpnnenty ni a ceux a qui on les donned 
 
PILL GARLICK. 141 
 
 The Maidstone was now ordered to join 
 the squadron of frigates blockading Havre 
 de Grace, and the different ports of Nor- 
 mandy, where the enemy had several ves* 
 sels ready to put to sea, in order to form 
 a junction with the grand Bologne flotilla, 
 then daily threatening the Land of Liberty 
 with the empty, pompous cry of invasion. 
 We soon grew tired of our blockading 
 station, and thought the shortest way to 
 be removed from it tvould be to annihilate 
 the despicable cockle-shells which occa« 
 sioned our being kept there. A fine fresh 
 favourable breeze one morning encouraged 
 this design, — in we dashed ! and in deti- 
 ance of their numerous and imposing bat- 
 teries^ which soon opened a heavy fire, we 
 did the job 1 Almost the whole flotilla in 
 the harbour of Havre de Grace was in 
 little less than two hours sent to the bottom 
 or otherwise destroyed. 
 
 A short time after this affair auspicious 
 Peace clapped her silver wings, and for a 
 moment hushed the angry sounds of War; 
 Captain Don Rosso Nod Nelly was then 
 appointed to the Narcissus, a fine new 
 frigate on the peace establishment, into 
 
142 . LIFE OF 
 
 which ship, among the rest of his lumber, 
 he took Pill Garlick and two or three 
 youngsters. The Narcissus was ordered to 
 prepare for the reception of his Excel- 
 lency the Algerine Amhassador,, and his 
 bearded suite, who with a great number of 
 valuable presents for the Emperor of Mo- 
 rocco we had the honour of conveying 
 to Algiers. We soon sailed from Ports- 
 mouth with a rattling fine breeze, but in 
 our passage through the mountainous bay 
 of Biscay we had a very narrow escape of 
 being all sent to Glory ! One desperate 
 night in the month of December, while we 
 were running under close reefed topsails 
 at the rate of nine or ten knots an hour, 
 a sailor on the forecastle roared out 
 ''breakers ahead!" All hands were imme- 
 diately piped upon deck;— up we jumped, 
 mother naked from our hammocks! 
 
 " And now urged on by destiny severe, 
 
 " With horror fraught the dreadful scene drew 
 
 near, 
 •♦ The ship hangs hovering on the verge of death, 
 " Hell yawns! — rocks rise! — and breakers roar 
 
 " beneath ! 
 ** In dire amazement rivetted we stand, 
 *' And hear the breakers lash the rugged strand/* 
 
PILL GARLICK. J4S 
 
 Conceive our appalling situation^ when 
 we found ourselves, as the Poet so empha- 
 tically describes, '* hovering on the verge 
 of death ! — Hell! — rocks I and breakers!"— 
 The violence of the sea, it appeared, had 
 drifted us out of our course more than we 
 expected, and two minutes longer at the 
 rate we were sailing, would have been suffi- 
 cient to see the Narcissus and her crew, 
 together with the presents for the Emperor 
 of Morocco, all dashed to pieces upon the 
 Burlings; large barren rocks raising their 
 rugged heads above the water a few leagues 
 from Lisbon : 
 
 *' But soon beyond the shore the vessel flies, 
 " Swift as the rapid eagle cleaves the skies ; 
 " So from the fangs of her insatiate foe 
 ** Scuds o'er the wide champaign the trembling 
 doe." 
 
 We had but just room, and no more, 
 to scud from the fangs of our craggy 
 foes, a circumstance which made us keep 
 a sharp look out until we arrived at Gib- 
 raltar, where we anchored in less than six 
 days after our departure from Portsmouth, 
 
144 LIFE OF 
 
 a passage of very extraordinary quickness, 
 having sailed in that space of time, one 
 way or t'other, upwards of thirteen hun- 
 dred miles. 
 
 We only delayed two days at the Rock, 
 before we proceeded to Algiers, and 
 there we landed the Ambassador witli thp 
 whole of his dirty turbaned gang, a nuisance 
 we were extremely glad to get rid of, for 
 they were all proud, ignorant, filthy, and 
 troublesome to the last. The Dey pre- 
 sented our Captain with a handsome sabre, 
 and sent half a dozen wretched starved 
 animals, [which they called bullocks] and 
 a few cabbages, to regale the ships com- 
 patif^ Algiers is like all the Barbary 
 towns, dirty, poor and contemptible, which 
 after all is natural enough where the in- 
 habitants possess those qualities in an emi- 
 nent degree. Hence we sailed to Malta, 
 which at this period of the year Nvas very 
 gay, in consequence of the carnival, a 
 feast regularly observed in most catholic 
 countries, and in general very amusing and 
 splendid; but not so much so at Malta, 
 as at many places on the continent. We 
 remained here long enough to visit every 
 
PILL GARLICK. 145 
 
 thing curious, of which there are several 
 in the Island, and some of great antiquity; 
 all however being now as well known as 
 ihe whispering gallery at St. Paul's, I need 
 not (even if I was so disposed) take the 
 trouble of describing them to my readers. 
 Toulon was the next place of our desti- 
 nation, where with a great number of 
 french prisoners on board (who had been 
 taken in Egypt) we soon arrived. ^\ e 
 had not been long in this courtly country, 
 before the midshipmen of the French 
 ships very politely invited us to a dijeun^ a 
 /a fourchettc, and entertained us with dan- 
 cing and waltzing. We in return, one Sa- 
 turday morning as we rowed past their 
 ship in the jolly-boat, gave them a^ail, 
 *' I say ! — ship a hoy ! — tell your niidship- 
 mea if they chuse to come on board the 
 Narcissus, and take a glass of grog to night, 
 they may!" — About six o' clock half a 
 dozen French reefers togged out in their 
 silk stockings, sharp-toed shoes, and cka- 
 peau'bras, came on board, bowing and 
 scraping, then with all that winning, seif-^ 
 bereaving politesse so habitual to their coun- 
 trymen, they made the most pressing en- 
 
 H 
 
146 riFE ov 
 
 quirics about our health, and appeared 
 lavished, when we informed them, " *poii 
 our souls, we we were quite heavty-^bien 
 oblige,*' — Anxious to attack the grog, we 
 begged them to " come along down !** — • 
 but this was a ceremony to our great 
 surprise not so easily performed, for we 
 could noJt prevail on any one of the Moun- 
 seers to go first; — they bowed, smi]ed, and 
 all had the same excuse, — " demande jmr^ 
 don, opres vous, Monsieur, s'il vous plaif" 
 — This was a difficulty which, from being 
 totally unknown amongst ourselves, we 
 should never have been able to surmount, 
 if the caterer, who happened to have the 
 middle watch, had not grown impatient, 
 and cried out '* what the Devil are ye 
 palavering about ? — Damn my old shoes, 
 do you think Fll stay upon deck here all 
 night?" — Then spreading out his arms, 
 swept us all down the hatchway together, 
 and never stopped till silk stockings, wor- 
 sted stockings, chapeau-bras, and oil-skin 
 hats were all tight jammed in the starboard 
 birth. There we entertained them ex- 
 ceedingly, for some hours, till the perverse 
 effects of the grog Inirst with one accord 
 
i?ILL GAULICK. 147 
 
 from the British part of the assembly^ in 
 the truly emphatic air of Rule Britannia! 
 the chorus of which was accompanied by 
 so many boisterous and pointed gesticula- 
 tions, that by the time it was entirely 
 ended, there was not a single Frenchman 
 in the Birth. The midshipman of the 
 waich said he did not understand much 
 French, but he thought they all absconded 
 in very ill humour, saying something about 
 ^' grossihetCf quel grossieretcj que diable de 
 grossierett r* From Toulon we sailed to the 
 small but neat town of Leghorn, where 
 we indulged ourselves with a sight of every 
 thing worth seeing, and also made an in- 
 land excursion to the ancient and pretty 
 little town of Pisa, where I saw that cu- 
 rious structure, the " leaning tower.** Af- 
 ter this we took a trip to Palermo, where 
 the King of Naples and family came on 
 board to partake of a handsome ball and 
 supper prepared oa the quarter deck. 
 When the capering and feasting were at 
 an end, his tall Sicilian Majesty took up a 
 position in a convenient part of the ship, 
 and Don Rosso with a gorgeous air, led all 
 his officers in succession, according to. 
 K 2 
 
148 LIFE OF 
 
 seniority, before the King; to whom ihey 
 made an itichnation of the body, some- 
 what resembhng a bow, a token of respect 
 •which his Majesty was graciously pleased 
 to acknowledge with a smile and a humph! 
 the officers then wheeled short round and 
 inarched off. Some were perfectly satisfied 
 ^vith the honour, others not so ; because 
 they could not guess what they were about, 
 anor comprehend the meaning why the cap* 
 tain squeezed and pulled the hand when 
 they arrived within a respectable distance of 
 the King^ a sort of dumb persuasion which 
 Don Rosso was obliged to use very forcibly 
 with those whose nerves, though perfectly 
 capable of supporting unmoved an enemy's 
 broadside, were yet wholly unable to with- 
 stand the awe-infusing smiles of Royalty. 
 The Captain, very naturally conceiving his 
 -own good breeding and politeness involved 
 in that of his officers, had recourse to this 
 squeezing and pulling as a signal when to 
 tnake the bow ; some however, not aware 
 of his meaning, the moment they felt the 
 pinch, stared lull in the Captain's face, 
 who winked, and iongued, and frowned, 
 ^and nodded, but all in vain> for the more 
 
PILL GARLICK. 149 
 
 he distorted himself, and the harder he 
 squeezed,Uhe more he rendered himself un- 
 intelligible ; which to his great mortifica- 
 tion obliged him to push back several of 
 these inflexible courtiers, who were so puz- 
 zled by the Captain s signals that they re- 
 tired without taking the least notice of 
 the King, though so close, that his Majesty 
 had occasion, more than once, to make a 
 slight retrograde movemeDt to preserve his 
 royal toes from an awkward assault, whicli 
 the extreme absence of these sea-ploughing 
 heroes repeatedly threatened. 
 
 The midshipmen were let} up in like 
 manner, not according to seniority, but 
 by size, the tallest first, a circumstance 
 which of necessity threw all the honour of 
 closing the ceremony upon Pill GarlicK* 
 When the whole business was at an end, 
 and not till then, did we know that what 
 we had gone through was — the Honour of 
 being introduced to Majesty!!! The day 
 after this mysterious and important intro- 
 duction took place, I observed there was 
 scarcely an ofticer in the ship, except the 
 boatswain, who did not write a letter, and 
 I have great reason to suspect that all 
 
150 LIFE OF 
 
 those letters were written in the same high 
 swoin stjle and upon the same subject as 
 mine was, to wit — the introduction to a 
 King! For my part, I counted the hours 
 that were likely to elapse before my letter 
 could disclose this enviable bit of glory 
 to my family, nor did I feel happy till I 
 actually received an answer stating, " Dar- 
 ling Pill, your most welcome letter has 
 just come to hand, wherein you give a 
 charming account of your having had the 
 honour of being presented to his Catholic 
 Majesiy, the King of All the Sicilies, an 
 honour which your whole family feel from 
 top to toe. We have the luxurious satis* 
 faction of congratulating you upon so ho- 
 nourable an event, to which, by your kind 
 letter, you seem to attach exceeding great 
 importance: continue, dear Pill, in this 
 honourable line of life, and you may one 
 day turn out an honour to yourself and 
 family in spite of Fate, or we are all most 
 cruelly mistaken," &c, &c. &c. Four pages 
 of fooFs cap, cross written, were in this 
 strain of rapturous delight, at my good 
 fortune in having had the honour of being 
 presented to his Catholic Majeaty, King 
 
PILL GARLICK. 151 
 
 of all the Sicilies, an honourable event 
 upon which, as I have said, 1 lavished all 
 the praise and consequence my epistolary 
 abilities were capable oF. 
 
 [ am inclined to think that we need 
 not go much farther north than Johnny 
 Grot's house to find many, very many ! 
 whose Lucijerial ideas of that glorious no- 
 thing called Court Honour, are not less 
 romantic than those of Till Garlick. 
 With what anxiety have I seen a person 
 wait for an opportunity to inform the 
 company th«t he " actually danced with 
 Lady Fal-lal at the Honourable Mrs. Tol- 
 loFs ball last night." — Another, upon a 
 difference of opinion with respect to a 
 Nobleman's livery, sets all to rights by 
 the knock*em-down argument of " 1 think 
 J ought to know !" Then, upon being ci- 
 villy asked, if he is acquainted with the No- 
 bleman, answers, — ** He's just ray father's 
 first cousin, that's all !'* Another gladly ad- 
 mits you gratis into the secret of his family 
 connections, and will not only tell you 
 that his sister is married to a near rela- 
 tion of the Karl of Diddleduni's wife, but 
 that he himself is nearly allied to the 
 
152 LIFE OF 
 
 Puke of Rigdamfunnydos: in short, we 
 see every day the conceited pride of some 
 people upon being introduced to a sprig 
 of Nobihty. 
 
 Now it is to me a subject of doubt, if 
 such people have so much' to boast of, 
 as he who has been presented, upon the 
 quarter deck of his Britannic Majesty's 
 .ship Narcissus, by Don Rosso Nod Nelly, 
 a tall man with an aquiline nose, to his 
 still taller Catholic Majesty King of all the 
 Sicilies.'— Cowr^ Honour, for aught I know, is 
 what Hudibras alludes to, when he says, 
 
 — — — 'Tis like that glassy bubble, 
 That finds Philosophers such trouble, 
 Whose least part crack'd, the whole does fly, 
 And wits are crack'd to find out why. 
 'Tis like a wen, looks big and swells, 
 is senseless, and just nothing else. 
 
 From Palermo, the capital of Sicily, wc 
 went to Messina, where, as every where 
 else, we passed a pleasant time; then 
 steered our course to Cagliari, the curious 
 built capital of the Island of Sardinia, 
 Here the Prince of the Island embarked 
 on board of the Narcissus, The Paphiaa 
 
PILL GARLICK. 153 
 
 archer, that little hood-winked elf of amo- 
 rous dalliance, had transfixed the tender 
 heart of his Royal Highness, who was now 
 hastening to Naples, where the nuptial 
 torch was already prepared to light hiin to 
 the hed of his blushing bride, a daughter 
 of my friend '' His Catholic Majesty King 
 of all the Sicilies." 
 
 It is reasonable to suppose from the de- 
 lightful passage we had to Naples, and the 
 heavenly weather we experienced, that 
 Nature herself smiled propitious on this 
 happy match. It was that season of the 
 year when the earth is chequered with all 
 delightful objects; when Venus* sacred 
 flower reveals her virgin bosom to the sun, 
 and Flora reposing on her luxurious bed,, 
 is courted by wanton Zephyrs, whose 
 breaths, enriched with delicious odours, 
 inspire all things with health, youth, warm 
 desire, and so forth; when genial Springs 
 crowned with the glories of the earth, rides- 
 on the heavenly ram, — a season no less 
 proper than propitious to lovers. Nor at 
 the same time was Neptune's wide domain 
 deficient in those beauties calculated to 
 charm and delight the warm mind of sea- 
 H 5 
 
154 LIFE OF 
 
 sibility. The courteous sea smoothing his 
 wrinkled brow, prostrate at the shrine of 
 Love, in undisturbed slumbers slept! and 
 the whispering winds seemed onl}^ to woo 
 the swelling bosoms of our sails, or to tell 
 their amorous tale in sweet music to the 
 charmed birds who sat brooding in the 
 calm, or to the more gamesome porpoise 
 tumbling in the tide ! Our stately frigate, 
 like the self-enamoured boy whose name 
 she bore, seemed to kiss her own shadow 
 as she moved ; and tiie lucid wave, proud 
 of its burthen, sunk not from the gentle 
 pressure of her breast ! The rocky shores 
 of Gagliari disappeared slowly from astern, 
 and were still in view when the lowering 
 sun, closing his radiant eyes, stole softly 
 to the pillow of fair Thetis' bed, and Night, 
 drawing her sable curtains, invited all man- 
 kind (save the Midshipman of the watch) 
 to soft repose! Soon the numerous train 
 of spangled nymphs, in Phoebus* stead, 
 adorned the bright celestial sphere! and 
 the wanton Queen of Light sweetly playing 
 on the waves, peeped smiling through the 
 vessePs ports upon the young prince, who, 
 bewitched in the silky arms of sleep, Jay 
 
PILL GARLICK. 155 
 
 dangling in a cot! there the flattering 
 visions of fair sanguine dreams, with 
 beauteous shapes and rosv wings, revell- 
 ed in his fancy, till Cynthia withdrew 
 her silver horns, and the bright morning 
 star, day's welcome harbinger, appeared 
 dancing from the east*; then blushing 
 Aurora, like Venus emerging from a sea 
 of jet, chid in the stars, and disclosed all 
 her beauty to the glorious monarch of light, 
 who upon his orient throne raising his re* 
 fulgent head, sparkled upon Neptune's bur- 
 nished waves, and spread his beams o*er 
 Earth's enamelled breast! — " Sure such a 
 day as this was never seen !" worthy to be 
 the prime and first account of years ! the 
 epact, epoch, dominical, golden -number 
 of all happy days ! 
 
 ** Old men were glad their lives till now did last, 
 •* And infants that the Fates had made such 
 
 haste, 
 ** In bringing them to see this day l** 
 
 ♦ It must be eTidentto eyery one of "classical educa«* 
 tlon, common discernment/* that Lucifer, the silver wiog" 
 ed post-boy of the Sun, is the >)right morning star intro^ 
 duced abof e, and supposed to be Tvaltzing with Auroi»» 
 
156 LIFE OF 
 
 Our approach to the anxiously-looked-for 
 coast of Campania was made known to the 
 amorous prince by the rolling volumes 
 from Vesuvius's over-burthened womb,— 
 (just emblem of his inward flame ! tor he 
 himself bears an iEtna in his breast!!) — 
 CEolus with his little tattling scouts fanned 
 our obedient bark into the harbour of Nap- 
 pies (or haven of bjiss, — take your choice) 
 — the anchor is cast ; but ere the sails are 
 furled the impatient groom debarks to meet 
 his more impatient bride, who, trembling 
 with joy, had come in a chaise, with a pair 
 of horses before, and a pair of footmen be- 
 hind, to wait his arrival oa the beach. So 
 Cleopatra met Mark Anthony * The hap- 
 py pair, ready to leap out of their skins, 
 thrust themselves in each others arms, and 
 pluck up kisses by the very roots! no 
 cockles were ever closer than their lips! 
 (well may the warm impression of the lips 
 be stiled Love*s silent oratoiy, Love's per- 
 suasive rhetoric I) Losing themselves in 
 labyrinths of joy! clinging, as it were, like 
 burrs, they hug, they enfold, they encircle, 
 they twine, they bill, they wrap, they grasp, 
 they clasp one another with such ardour. 
 
PILL GARLICK.' 15/ 
 
 as though their souls desired to meet, and 
 their hearts to kiss. 
 
 So have I seen the tendrils of a vine 
 Around its husband oak uxorious twine. 
 
 So have I seen with subtle wile o'erwhelm 
 A stunted ivy bush, its neighbouring elm. 
 
 So have I seen two turtles bill and moan, 
 Rejecting food, for joys of love alone. 
 
 So have I seen a wanton Columbine 
 
 Around her pie-ballM lord, twist, twirl, and twine. 
 
 So have I seen a naughty Bond Street strap 
 Close round her rump her scaflet mantle wrap. 
 
 So have I seen the breeches of a beau 
 
 Tight clasp his thighs, and mar all pow'r U> go. 
 
 So have I read at school with much delight, 
 How Sahnacis embraced th' Hermaphrodite. 
 
 So have I seen two streams meandering flow, 
 Then meet together, and no diff'rence shew, 
 Whilst in their liquid silver ou they run, 
 And join themselves like silk together spun ! ! 
 
 When the fond couple were sated with 
 the sweet endearments of embrace, they 
 strait retired to the palace : the way was 
 
158 LIFE OF 
 
 Strewed with Flora's pride, among which 
 the most conspicuous were the tulip, 
 sweet' William^ maiden-blush, sops-in-wine, 
 lady-smock, start. up»and.kisS'me, heart* s-case, 
 true - love J honey - suckle, batchelor*s»button, 
 two-faces-under'a^hood, wake-robin^ taicny 
 Columbine, ^c.^c^c. At the Palace all 
 things appertaining to nuptial delights were 
 duly prepared, the bridal chamber was 
 hung with garlands and fillets, the marriage 
 feast was bountifully spread, and jolly wel- 
 come given to every guest. At length the 
 reverend Father proceeded to join their wil- 
 ling hands, and by the sacred magic of a few 
 words, linked their mutual hearts in Love's 
 eternal yoke ! Then with eyes and hands out- 
 stretched toward the stars, he pronounced 
 the following blessing, in accents cloathed 
 with reverence and grace I 
 
 ** May soft joys now you are wed 
 
 ** Be the curtains for your bed ; 
 
 " May fair honour and delight 
 
 " Crown your day and bless your night; 
 
 " May the warm embrace of Love 
 
 " Be soft as down on Venus' dove ; 
 
 " May your oft-repeated kisses 
 
 " Bring with them as many blisses, 
 
PILL GARLICK. 139 
 
 " Or if so be it is your wish, 
 " Multiply as doth a fish.'* 
 
 Hymen, impatient of delay, beckoned 
 the bridal captives to withdraw, and spread 
 his yellow veil to conceal the modest blush- 
 es of the bride; which the more she at- 
 tempted to restrain, the more her disobe- 
 dient blood overflowed, as if it had meant 
 to rise and quench the blaze of beauty in 
 her face.— So blushed Venus, when secured 
 in Vulcan's net, she was caught by all the 
 
 Gods in bed with Mars ! Now leaving 
 
 the noble pair to pursue their nuptial joys, 
 I shall conclude my chapter in shrill £pi- 
 thalamium song : 
 
 To bed, to bed, sweet turtles, whilst I write 
 In Cupid's journal this your shortest night, 
 And yet though short for you, — for me 
 I count this night as long as three, 
 Lying alone J 
 
ARGUMENT. 
 
 Pill Garlick ascends Mount Vesuvius.— Dives into the 
 crater— Sails for Syracuse —Tlience to Greece.— Ar- 
 rives at Athens. — Its ruins.— Milo—Marath n — 
 Naxos.— Pajos— Scio.- Samos— Delos— A i-ir^te row 
 galley.— Very masterly sailor soldier plans —They fail, 
 — Hnzzat huzza! huzza!— A ireadful slaughter — 
 Pill receives a manubial trophy.— An interesting dia- 
 logue.— A boatswain proves a moralist and physiogna- 
 mist.— Pill touches at Smyrna— and why.— A fugitive 
 piece introduced with CO isiderable snbtilty and wit. — 
 Pill Garlick sings his readers into a snore. 
 
CHAPTER V. 
 
 " Time w.i», blest time, to weeping thousandif dear, 
 
 ** When till that poets picture flourish'd here. 
 
 •* Then war was not, but in its rutliless stead 
 
 •* Arts, manners, learning, rear'd their polish'd head; 
 
 " Commerce, her sails to every breeze unfurl'd, 
 
 «* Pour'd on their coast the treasures of the World. 
 
 ** Past are those halcyon days!— ——'* 
 
 We remained long enough at Naples to 
 \iew all the mirabilia, natural and artificial, 
 that historians and travellers write so mucli 
 about, and in all probability much more 
 than sufficient to satisfy public curiosity; 
 therefore my usual modesty interferes, and 
 turns the course of the sable flood as it 
 hurries from my pen, leaving my readers 
 to suppose (if they please) that those pre- 
 ceding ** h storians and travellers'* had 
 ineans of knowledge and observation su« 
 
162 LIFE OF 
 
 perior to mine. I cannot however refrain 
 from mentioning my visit to 
 
 " The mount that biirneth with emboweU'd flames, 
 " Vomiting stones, and dark with show'rs of dust." 
 
 To dive to the bottom of the grand cra- 
 ter in Mount Vesuvius is an exploit, 1 ima- 
 gine, that tempts very few ; but we were 
 sailors! indeed I beheve curiosity is one 
 of the principal characteristics of a sailor, 
 if so, they have something to boast of, for 
 I have it from no less an authority than the 
 '* Great Colossus of Literature/' who says, 
 " Curiosity is one of the most permanent 
 and certain characteristics of a vigorous 
 intellect!" — away we went then, full of 
 •' curiosity/* attended by guides, to visit 
 the crater of Mount Vesuvius. We soon 
 ascertained the ascent and descent to be 
 much more perilous and fatiguing than that 
 of a ships rigging, great caution being 
 necessary to avoid puHing down huge 
 pieces of lava on our beads as we scrambled 
 up the sides, and sometimes ("like a wood- 
 en leg on Wooburn Sands,") we sunk at- 
 every step pube ienus into the ashes ; how- 
 
PILL GARLICK. 163 
 
 ever, without any very considerable acci- 
 dent; towards evening we got safe to the 
 top of the volcano, safe to the bottom of 
 the crater^ and safe out again. 
 
 I have heard many, who have never tra- 
 velled farther than their finger might 
 chance to lead the(n upon a map, dispute 
 the possibihty of going into the grand cra- 
 ter of Mount Vesuvius; but I must inform 
 those sort of travellers that they can never 
 hope 
 
 " The awful science of the world to know 
 
 " Which boo|cs can never teach, or pedants shew/ 
 
 unless they stir their stumps, and by actual 
 visiting and observation endeavour to get 
 rid of home predilections^ without which it 
 is in vain to expect '* to conquer prejudice, 
 worst foe to truth.'* 
 
 I assure you, readers, I was with five 
 or six young reefers actually at the very 
 bottom of the grand crater; and I saw 
 with my own eyes small sulphureous blazes 
 issuing from diifeient crevices, and here 
 and there a black cloud of smoke was 
 sometimes belched ou!r, and many places 
 
164 LIFE OF 
 
 were so hot, that if ihe elephant of Pad- 
 manaba had been there he could not have 
 refrained from dancing. The shape and 
 form of the crater, we thought, might be 
 compared as near as possible to our cook's 
 ladle, but indeed we did not remain long 
 enough to make very accurate remarks, 
 for the rumbling noises we heard, or fan- 
 cied we heard, (which is just the same) 
 induced us to hurry out again, content 
 with a fevv morsels of lava indiscriminately 
 picked up. When I hear people exclaim 
 " Oh, oh, that's impossible! — that's travel- 
 ling! — that's stretching!" When I hear 
 these expressions of doubt, or in other 
 words, these fashionable modes of saying 
 " You lie !" I never fail to think of a story 
 my uncle twice told me; it was by way 
 of elucidating an argument upon the 
 strange difficulty of making some people, 
 (such travellers, perhaps, as 1 have been 
 speaking of above) believe any thing 
 which they have not actually seen them- 
 selves, or read of, in jprint. — " A sailor^, 
 after many curious voyages and a long 
 absence from home, at last returned/and 
 went to ke^p his old mother company fov 
 
PILL GARLICK, l65 
 
 the remainder of her life ; every winter's 
 evening he entertained the old lady with 
 numberless extraordinary adventures, and 
 nnmberless extraordinary sights which he 
 had witnessed, to all of which the good 
 old mother listened with delight, and most 
 firmly believed. One night, however, as 
 Jack was running down the coast ofGui* 
 nea with a brisk top-galhuit breeze, close 
 hauled on the starboard tack, he happened 
 to say that " all of a sudden a covey of 
 flying fish flew smack against the main- 
 top^mast-stay sail, and fell upon deck !" — 
 '^ A covey of what?*' exclaimed the old 
 woman. — " Flying fish, mother,*' said Jack. 
 —'' Flying fish! — a fish with wings!— a 
 flsh with feathers! — come, come, Jack, my 
 boy, that'll never do.'* — " Indeed, mother, 
 it's all true."—" Poo ! po© ! poo !"— " Why 
 mother, you ha*n*t no call to poo, poo ; 
 for I can tell you a story twice as curious 
 as that 'ere, — do you know that one night 
 we let go our anchor in the Red Sea, and 
 next morning, when we hove it up, what 
 do you think we found hooked on the 
 flukes?" — " I'm sure I can't tell what 
 you found hooked on your flukes." — Why, 
 we found one of the wheels of Pharaoh's 
 
166 LIFE OF 
 
 chariot." — Aye, aye, Jack, that I can be- 
 lieve, because I know Pharaoh and his 
 host were all drowned in the Red Sea, 
 that's in print; but I never saw or 
 heard any thing about fish with wings 
 before." 
 
 ** The world is nat'rally averse 
 ** To all the truth it sees or hears ; 
 ** But swallows nonsense, and a lie, 
 ** With greediness and gluttony." 
 
 Now methinks the simile may be ap- 
 plied to better informed people than the 
 old woman, and to things more common, 
 or as least full as common as flying-fish ; 
 witness for instance the manner in which 
 Bruce's Travels were received. Depend 
 upon it travelling is a fine way to gain in- 
 formation ! I forget what Lady it was 
 said " That travelling was of infinite use 
 to many people, it heightened their self- 
 cpnceit, and changed them from lethargic 
 blockheads, into prating coxcombs ; it im- 
 proved them as bottling does small beer, 
 which becomes brisk without growing 
 stronger," 
 
 From Naples we sailed to Syracuse, 
 that once powerful and opulent city; but 
 
PILL GARLICK. Wj 
 
 which the all-mouldering hand of Time 
 has now totally destroyed. The catacombs 
 and the cave of Dionysiiis the Tyrant are 
 well worth the trouble of seeing; the 
 former is 
 
 ■an uncouth ctll. 
 
 *• Where brooding darkness spreads her jealous 
 
 " wings, 
 " A charnel house, where the dead inhabit, 
 ** All coverM o*er with dead mens rattling bones; 
 ** With reekie shanks, and yellow chapless 
 
 ** skulls." 
 
 The latter, commonly called Dionysius's 
 Ear, from it's shape, is a great curiosity, 
 as well on account of the prodigious la.* 
 hour it must have cost to hew so large a 
 cavity out of the solid rock, as for its 
 extraordinary reverberation of sound. 
 From the rumphng of a letter at the 
 mouth of this cave, the echo will be as 
 strong as if many sheets of tin were sha- 
 ken together; and the report of a small 
 toy cannon, (with which your guides are 
 provided,) sounds like a rousing — piece of 
 ordnance. 
 
 After viewing the wretched remains of 
 this ancient place, we set sail for Greece, 
 
l68 LIFE OF 
 
 and let go our anchor in the renowned 
 Piraeus, about three miles distant from 
 Minerva's sacred city, once the University 
 of the World. The Pireeus is a remark- 
 able snug harbour, and in former days was 
 made by Themistocles, the most com- 
 modious of any belonging to the Greeks; 
 some of its improvements still remain. 
 The modern name is Port Leone. 
 
 ** The wand'ring stranger near the port descries 
 " A milk white lion of stupendous size, 
 ** Unknown the sculptor ; of marble is the same, 
 ** And hence th' adjacent haven takes its name." 
 
 This large white marble lion stood at 
 the entrance of the harbour, but was 
 taken away many years ago by the Ve- 
 netians to adorn their Capital. 
 
 Almost every spot of ground, every ri- 
 ver, and every fountain in Greece has 
 been celebrated by the classic writers of 
 antiquity, and furnished innumerable 
 themes for the pen of the more modern 
 traveller ; but these former subjects of de- 
 light and admiration are sinking fast into 
 the vale of oblivion. 
 
riLL GARLICK. ^9 
 
 Ask GraDcia mourning o*er her ruin'd tow'rs. 
 Where now the views that charm'd her bards of 
 
 old; ■ 
 Her com clad mountains and Elysian bow's, 
 And silver streams that once nneand'ring roUM? 
 
 Athens, once a fertile source of the most 
 admired antiquities in the World, has now 
 little else to boast of than her name. The 
 superb temples of Minerva, Theseus, Ju- 
 piter Olympus, Augustus, and the Empe- 
 ror Adrian's palace, and many other beau* 
 tiful structures lie all in ruins. Indeed the 
 sad mutilated state to which they are re- 
 duced, is, with shame be it spoken, much 
 less owiug to the hand of Time, than that 
 of ignorant barbarism, and impudent visi- 
 tors from this country, who, to make a 
 few chimney pieces, to ornament a flower'* 
 garden ; or (as Doctor Sam has somewhere 
 said) ** to make an urn like a bagpipe for 
 those white-washed Neptunes we frequently 
 see recumbent in the middle of a qua- 
 drated fish pond, and from which can issue 
 neither moisture nor melody." — to gratify 
 this vicious appetite has posterity been 
 robbed of the grandest models of archi- 
 
170 tIFE OF 
 
 tectural perfection; and future travelkrs 
 been deprived of the splendid and grati- 
 fying sight of, without any exception, the 
 most magnificent remains of antiquity in 
 the known world. 
 
 Lord Thingembob was at this period 
 busily employed freighting a ship with all 
 sorts of statues and marbles worthy to 
 adorn a finer house, garden, or fishpond 
 than his Lordship's. But the Gods, indig- 
 nant a<t this outrage committed upon their 
 temples, conspired against the barbarous 
 <leed, and invoked Neptune to arrest th« 
 sacred Telicks on their ignominious voyage, 
 and to entomb them for e\et within his 
 Vast and bottomless cell*. 
 
 We sailed from Athens to visit the prin- 
 cipal Islands in the Archipelago and every 
 other place that possessed any thing wor- 
 thy of observation. Nothing co«id exceed 
 the pleasures of this cruise, which happened 
 in the most delightful season of the year. 
 It would be unpardonable in me to be 
 totally silent with respect to the different 
 
 ♦ Thft vessel, with all handi, foundered in the Bay «f 
 Biscay on its passage t-o England, Devitt cure io the AV 
 
PILL GARLICK. 171 
 
 places I visited, for all travellers are so 
 very prolix in their observations, that my 
 deficiency would appear the more glaring, 
 and might probably be construed into 
 downright gloomy, dull-eyed, leaden-pated, 
 beetle-brained ignorance; I shall omit, 
 however, several striking circumstances in 
 my description of these places, as sup- 
 posing them already known to my readers, 
 or as not being thoroughly known to my- 
 self. The following then were ainong the 
 number of islands and ports we touched 
 at during this interestmg circumnavigatoty 
 excursion. 
 
 Milo, an ugly sort of an island, which 
 has an amazing fine commodious harbour, 
 and a spring bubbUng out of the sand a 
 few yards from the margin of the sea, 
 hpt enough to boil an eg^ in a jiffy. 
 
 Marathon, on whose plains Theseus per* 
 formed some of his greatest exploits, 
 which we may believe as much of as we 
 like; but which are more celebrated for 
 a famous victory over the Persian army 
 by General Miitiades, commander in chief 
 ot" the Athenians. 
 
 Naxos, the largest and most fertile of 
 I 2 
 
172 LIFE OF 
 
 the Cyclades, abounds with nectarines and 
 pomgarnates, (as the sailors call them)* ; 
 many remains of temples and altars dedi- 
 cated to Bacchus, who was the tutelar 
 Ood of this island, are yet to be seen* 
 Its wines are still in estimation, and very 
 cheap ; our ship's company used to pur- 
 <:hase a bucket fnll for twenty parras, 
 {i. e. something about the value of an 
 Irish tenpenny piece.) 
 
 Paros, and Anti- Faros, famous for the 
 beautiful white marble used by the best 
 statuaries, and from which all the temples 
 and porticoes of Greece received their 
 splendour. 
 
 Scio, one of the seven places that con- 
 tend for the birth of Homer, but what 
 renders it much more interesting, is that 
 it boasts, or did boast, to produce the most 
 beautiful women of the East; and a beau- 
 tiful woman, we know, is Nature's proud- 
 est master piece, the " mirror of Heaven," 
 and wonder of the Earth ! 
 
 A beauteous woman's heavenly ray 
 Can turn the saddest night to day. 
 
 * Pomegranate, is supposed to be the fruit alluded to ; 
 but sailors take the derivative from the rope called chie- 
 £arnate, and not from pomum^ranatufrif as the Latins have it* 
 
PILL GARLICK. l/S 
 
 Sweetness, truth, and every grace, 
 AVhich time and use are wont to teach, 
 The eye may in a moment reach, 
 And read distinctly in her face. 
 
 Samos, where there are abundance of 
 muscadine grapes, upon eating of which 
 I got so sick as scarcely to pay any at- 
 tention to the ruins of a magnificent temple 
 dedicated to Juno. 
 
 Not far from hence appears th' immortal shore. 
 That sacred Phoebus and Diana bore ; 
 Delos, through all th' JEgt'dn seas renown'd 
 Whose coast the rocky Cyclades surround, 
 Is now a silent unfrequented land, 
 Where human footsteps seldom mark the sand. 
 
 The island of Delos is among the most 
 celebrated of Antiquity, there are a great 
 many ruinous altars and temples scattered 
 about, but nothing remains that can con- 
 vey an adequate idea of its antient splen- 
 dour. My visit to the island was occasion- 
 ed by the following circumstance. At day- 
 break a sailor at the mast head cried out 
 " two strange sail on the lee bow !" We 
 Boon made out one of the strangers to be 
 
174 LIFE OF 
 
 a pirate galley, and made all sail in chasfc 
 of it ; but there being little wind they 
 rowed off with amazing swiftness to the 
 island of Delos, where the crew disem- 
 barked, taking their arms and ammuition 
 along with them : when we arrived within 
 gun shot, we opened our broadside upon 
 the galley, and soon sunk it. The fugitive 
 crew had posted themselves very advan- 
 tageously behind rocks, from whence they 
 kept up a heavy fire of musketry, but an- 
 noyed us very little, except by the loss 
 of one sailor; which loss occasioned the 
 destruction of the Pirates. To see one 
 of their comrades fall in so disproportion- 
 ate a contest, very jaiuch enraged the 
 crew of the Narcissus, particularly in the 
 time of Peace, when sailors think they 
 have no right to die fighting; however, 
 in peace or war, pirates are rather formi- 
 dable enemies, as they commonly adhere 
 to the motto " Death or Victory." The 
 -untimely fate of the poor tar above men- 
 tioned, induced his shipmates to ask per. 
 mission of the Captain to go on shore in 
 pursuit of the pirates : the whole crew 
 wishing to be of the party it was found 
 
TILL GARLICK. 175 
 
 JTCcessary to draw lots for' that privilege^ 
 which was done accordingly. Pill Garliclc 
 was in great apprehension lest his LisboD 
 }uck should now forsake hira ; but no^ 
 he was one of the lucky drawers, and 
 instantly prepared himself for fight, by 
 girding a cutlasfi to his side, sticking a 
 pair of pistols m his cestus, shouldering a. 
 blunderbuss, and slinging a cartouche box-, 
 superabundantly supplied, across his back. 
 Thus accoutred in the fkst cut-throat style,. 
 I made my appearance on the quarter deck, 
 and whether from vanity or what super- 
 natural cause I cannot presume to> decide, 
 but i really fancied that i could discover 
 courage and confidence enter the heart of 
 every man the instant my cocked hat 
 made its appearance above the hatchway ; 
 and the wonderous stare of every eye as 
 I heroically traversed the deck, tended to 
 confirm those suspicions, mais laissons y 
 cela, — Off we set, our bloods scalding wiih 
 fury and revenge! During the time wc 
 were rowing to the shore we disposed of 
 the different commissions and made a few^ 
 necessary arrangements ; r/z, otir first Lieu- 
 tenant was se//' nominated Field Marshal 
 
176^ JLIF£ OF 
 
 and Generalissimo over the whole forces! 
 The Mids were Colonels and Corporals 
 indiscriminately.— How we were to 
 inarch and countermarch till we gained 
 the center of the island was thought to be 
 clearly understood by every individual; 
 how we were to surround and surprise the 
 enemy in the eligible position he had 
 taken, was fully approved of, and likewise 
 but one opinion prevailed as to the ne- 
 cessity of sttict subordination and steadiness 
 of conduct. Several other plans were de- 
 vised, but afterwards rehnquished. 
 
 " For when we came to shape the raodel^ 
 Not one could fit another's noddle. 
 For though most hands dispatch apace 
 And make light work, (the proverb says) 
 Yet many difF'rent intellects 
 Are found t' have contrary effects." 
 
 However, by the time we reached the 
 shore, matters were supposed to be ar- 
 ranged in a most masterly style. Certainly 
 no secret expedition in this world was ever 
 planned with more ceremony, or conducted 
 with more enthusiasm ; the Spanish aimada 
 
TILL GARLICK. 177 
 
 was much beneath us with respect to pre- 
 parations, and as to hopes of conquest, it 
 could not hold a candle to us I 
 
 I beHeve it was Lien Chi Altangi who 
 said to his friend Fum Huoam at Pekin, 
 that *^ to pursue trifles is the lot of huma- 
 nity, and whether we bustle in a pantomime, 
 or strut at a coronation ; whether we shout 
 at a bonfire, or harangue in a senate house ; 
 (whether we trust to sailors on ihore, or to 
 soldiers at sea,) whatever obj.ect we follow, 
 it will at last surely conduct us to futility 
 and disappointment !" If Lien Clxi Altangi 
 had presumed to tell us this before w« 
 landed on the Island of Delos, we should 
 have been apt to say " By our Royal selves, 
 we swear you lie!" — But it is possible that 
 the short space of half an hour might 
 have caused some of us to alter our opLi^ 
 nions, and confess that 
 
 " Great actions are not always true sons 
 ** Of great and mighty resolutions." 
 
 In a word, all our grand and masterly 
 designs might just as well have remained 
 dormant in the bosoms of those who so skil- 
 I 5 
 
178 LIFE OF 
 
 fully planned them ! for the moment the feet 
 of each sailor fairly gained ten a firman they 
 huddled together as if by general consent, 
 and after some buzzing and huzzaing, away 
 they ran, helter-skelter, " quosi hilariter et 
 celeriter !*" To relate this event in the 
 style it deserves I should borrow the pen 
 that wrote John Gilpin*s ode. 
 
 But who can that in fetter'd rhyme inclose 
 Which without loss can scarce be told in prose ? 
 
 Why, /can ! and as a proof of what I as- 
 sert, I lay before my readers the following 
 simple, though highly interesting and clas- 
 sical effusion in the Gilpinic style. 
 
 Quelqu^un disoit assez plaisamefit, " Dieu 
 nous garde d'un poem parfait I** 
 
 " Now we arc jolly sailors bold, 
 
 As all the world doth know ; 
 Come let's set off my hearty ladsy 
 
 As hard as we can go. 
 
 • Signifying a motion of equal cod fusion, jocundity and 
 fdocity. 
 
PILL GARLICK. 179 
 
 " For we who sweep the foaming seas 
 
 Should scorn to make a stand ; 
 And let us shew the world this day 
 
 We fight as well by land." 
 
 Thus bellow'd Tom, nor ended here,. 
 
 But threw his hat on high, 
 Then cried, " a sailor's motto is, 
 
 To conquer or to die." 
 
 " Ay, ay, quoth Jack, that's damn*d well said^ 
 
 And since that we are here. 
 We had much better not delay,. 
 
 For time you know is dear." 
 
 Then turnM his quid, and scratch'd his pate, . 
 
 And roar*d out ** tempest fugit !* 
 That man can no great scollard be 
 
 Who kxiows-not how to use it." 
 
 All grinn'd applause at this remark, 
 Which prov'd so learned a mind, , 
 
 And each prepared to make a start, . 
 Lest he be left behind. 
 
 • We are authorised to state that tcjnjjus is. the word tU 
 ucled to b; 4ack.v 
 
180 LIFE OF 
 
 Some tied their shoes for fear a bog 
 Their feet might chance slip in, 
 
 And lads like these, you may suppose^ 
 Would dash through thick and thin. 
 
 Away they start, like bulls or deer. 
 When meeting with a fright, 
 
 Huzza ! huzza ! huzza ! they cried. 
 And eke with all their might. 
 
 In all my days I never saw 
 These precious souls so glad ! 
 
 Had you been there no doubt you'd say 
 That every man was mad. 
 
 Just like an arrow swift they flew. 
 
 Shot by an archer strong, 
 As Gilpin says, — this brings me to 
 
 The middle of my song. 
 
 Our brave commander loud did cry 
 '« Halt ! halt !" but all in vain, 
 
 Not e'en ** avast V could make »em stop, 
 Or bring them back again. 
 
 He flung his sword and musket down, 
 
 Then took unto his heels 
 As nimble as John Gilpin's horse, 
 
 When freed from rattling wheels*. 
 
PILL GARLICK. 181 
 
 Too soon the sun*s iperidian rays 
 
 Did roast him. like a pig, 
 So down he sat, exhausted quite 
 
 By running such a rig. 
 
 Now off set I in chase of them, 
 
 And lustily did call, 
 But ev'ry soul ran faster oa 
 
 The louder I did bawl 1 
 
 Not thus with British sailors though, 
 When Frenchmen dare appear; 
 
 They scorn to run when running may 
 Be thought to argue fear. 
 
 Three times indeed the Yankees have 
 
 Overpowered a British crew. 
 Yet in a British port they'll soon 
 
 Sing Yankee doodle doo ! 
 
 But hold, I need "make no excuse 
 
 Although these sailors ran ; 
 True to his charge and to his gun 
 
 Was every single man. 
 
 If you remember, they were sent 
 
 To capture and destroy, 
 So they resolved their musketry, 
 • On something to employ. 
 
182 LIFE OF 
 
 A dreadful firing soon commenced, 
 Which caused our chief to weep, 
 
 He thought his gallant men were slain, 
 But found them killing sheep 1 
 
 Nor for Diana or that God 
 
 Esteemed so wond*rous wise, 
 Did they a leg of mutton leave 
 
 To make a sacrifice ! 
 
 Now let us sing, Long live the King, 
 
 And Jack-Tar long live he, 
 For while a British Sailor breathes 
 
 Old England must be free. 
 
 Thus through this once sacred isle they 
 scampered one after the other, forgetful 
 of all the injunctions of subordination and, 
 steadiness that had but a few minutes be» 
 fore been imposed upon them. Having 
 soon collected the dead bodies of the un- 
 offending flock of sheep, which they sur- 
 prised browsing in a valley, and upon which 
 the blood of their unfortunate shipmate 
 was woefully revenged! they carried the oi 
 off the field, singing in full chorus — *' We 
 Britons conquer but to save!** and after 
 having made them undergo, some slight 
 
PILL GARLICK. 1S3 
 
 culinary preparations, were not long in 
 committing them to the living sepulchres 
 of their hungry maws. Happily for us, the 
 pirates had retired to the further end of 
 the island when they discovered our inten- 
 tions to land; if they had maintained their 
 first position, it is probable they would 
 have given us sad cause to repent having 
 trusted too confidently to the military evo- 
 lutions of sailors. So soon as the officers 
 had collected their difVerent divisions, the 
 first step was to disarm every roan; the 
 next to embark all bands, and return ofi 
 board the Narcissus to re-arm them with 
 boarding-pikes and tomahawks instead of 
 fire arms. Thus newly equipped, we pro- 
 ceeded to make a second landing, which 
 having effected, every precaution was taken 
 to avoid Tunning another rig; it was now, 
 however, too late for a grand coup de main; 
 some of the pirates had escaped in a small 
 fishing boat which lay upon the beach, and 
 others concealed themselves among the 
 rocks ; however, we made three or four pri- 
 soners, and among them was a fine, hand- 
 some, bold Greek, about five and twenty 
 years of age, who struck to Piil Gariick 
 
184 LIFE OF 
 
 and his division; this young fellow proved 
 to be the Captain of the Pirates, whose 
 dagger 1 was allowed to keep as a trophy 
 of my sky-towering prowess. We now 
 withdrew our harum-scarum troops, and 
 conducted our prisoners on board the Nar* 
 cissus, where the following dialogue took 
 place between Captain Don Rosso Nod 
 Nelly and the young Greek. 
 
 Don Rosso, I say, you sir ' — you're a 
 pretty rascal to follow such a life? — Blast 
 your eyes^ an't you ashamed of yourself ? 
 
 Greek. Ashamed ! why ashamed ? I was 
 bred to the life I lead. And you, no doubt, 
 was bred to the one you follow. 
 
 Don Rosso* ^/\i by then if I were to set 
 you at liberty you would continue your 
 depredations, and be d d to you, eh ? 
 
 Greek, Most certainly ! my father, who 
 died only a few days ago, left me the vessel 
 now sunk by your guns, and he exhorted 
 me with his last breath to prove myself 
 worthy to command the brave fellows, here 
 prisoners before you. 
 
 Don Rosso, Why the devil then did you 
 not fight while there remained a whole 
 bone in your skin ? 
 
PILL GARLICK, 185 
 
 Greek, Because we could not save suffi- 
 cient ammunition from the galley, and my 
 cre\¥ lost the greater part of their arms la 
 climbing over the rocks. 
 
 Don Rosso, 1 say, — have you taken ma- 
 ny prizes latterly ? 
 
 Greek. None of consequence. 
 
 Don Rosso, I suppose such scoundrels as 
 you always murder the crews of the vessels 
 you capture? 
 
 Greek, Not always; we sometimes spare 
 the lives of Christians when their force if 
 inferior to ours, but never give quarter to 
 Mahometans. 
 
 Don Rosso, What ship was that you 
 were in the act of boarding when we first 
 discovered you? 
 
 Greek. An English merchant ship bound 
 to Smyrna, 
 
 Don Rosso, Did you intend to cut the 
 throats of the crew if we had not hove in 
 sight? eh, answer me that. 
 
 Greek, Yes ; they fired at us, and pre- 
 pared to resist. 
 
 Don Rosso, Why you d— d impudent 
 »on of a wretch! did they deserve death 
 
iS6 LIFE OF 
 
 for defending their property from a parcef 
 of bloody robbers? 
 
 Greek. The life of an enemy that resists 
 is the right of conquest. 
 
 Don Rosso, For one farthinsr Vd slins 
 you up to the fore-yard-arm, you Woody 
 villain you ! 
 
 Greek, Ha, ha, do you think to terrify 
 me with death ? You will deliver me into 
 the hands of the Turks, where I shall be a 
 slave for life ; — put your threat into execu- 
 tion, and you will thereby shew me mercy. 
 
 Captain Don Rosso Nod Nelly did not 
 think proper to question his prisoner anv 
 further, but turning round to the master at 
 arms, said, '* put that scoundrel in irons ;*' 
 which was done accordingly. 
 
 The boatswain stood next me during the 
 dialogue, and appeared to pay the greatest 
 attention to the Greek's mode of expressing 
 himself. There is a voice, a look, a tone in 
 truth which has an effect upon the hearts of 
 those on whom they light, irresistibly im- 
 pressive. 
 
 This boatswain was an honest man, had 
 received a tar's education, and was much 
 
PILL GARLICK, 187 
 
 liked by all his shipmates; what he wore 
 in the region under his left ribs was fairly 
 made by nature of real flesh and blood, not 
 of flint, or of any such impenetrable sub- 
 stance, as she sometimes puts in the place 
 of finer workmanship and softer materials, 
 whereby the owners become, as it were, 
 bomb-proof against all besiegers. No;— 
 such had been the liberality of nature in 
 point of her best gift — a good heart, that 
 this boatswain no sooner heard the pirate's 
 words, and observed the si^ns and symbols 
 of truth and courage which accompanied 
 them, than he felt something like a string 
 or chord vibrating and tingling in the afore* 
 said region under the left ribs, which run- 
 ning along the ducts and channels that 
 communicate with the tongue, put that 
 little member into motion, and produced 
 the following words. " Misfortune ever 
 claims the pity of the brave !—d——n my 
 eyes. Pill Garlic, if I can help admiring 
 the candour and fortitude of that there 
 fellow, whose fine open countenance so 
 faithfully portrays the firmness of his 
 mind. If we look upon this man in a 
 moral sort of a light, d ye see, we shali find 
 
188 LIFE OF 
 
 a character d'ye see, somewhat blameable 
 d'ye see, but- on the other hand let us exa- 
 mine the bosom of this brave man ; mind 
 ye I say brave man, for he said he disdain- 
 ed taking advantage of an inferior enemy! 
 let us scrutinize the inside of his mind, hke, 
 and ril hold you a pint of vvi-ne that a fair 
 impartial judge will discover manifest signs 
 of a noble, stout, courageous, generous, 
 warlike, valiant, honourable heart. Why 
 
 d n my wig. Pill, after all we must 
 
 coasider that this here Greek was born 
 and bred among a parcel of people whose 
 principles it was as natural for him to im- 
 bibe, as it is for us to follow the precepts 
 and examples of our parents and instruc- 
 tors^ and besides which, 
 
 ** T is in crowns a nobler gem 
 
 To grant a pardon than condemn." 
 
 Thus spoke the boatswain, who probably 
 would not have ended his philosophical 
 reasoning here, if he had not been called 
 to pipe "AH hands make sail, hoy !** Wo 
 continued our visits to the different islands 
 in the Archipelago, till the advanced state 
 of a young lady who we had on board re- 
 
PILL GARLICK. 189 
 
 quiring Lucina's aid, obliged us to bear up 
 for Smyrna, where in a day or two she pro- 
 duced one of Nature*s common, but dearest 
 blessings — a little child ! This lady has 
 been so eminently distinguished In the 
 modern fashionable world, that I trust my 
 readers will excuse a brief allusion to her 
 in the foWowin^ fugitive pieces. 
 
 ** Replete with ev^ry charm to win the heart, 
 To sooth life's sorrows, or its joys impart, 
 Soft, timid, elegant, her beauteous mien 
 Besiioke her feeling, gentle mind within." 
 
 And again this pretty little m^adrlgal. 
 
 Spread wide thine arms, and fold me to thy breast, 
 There I can taste the blessings of repose ! 
 
 There with what pleasure shall I sink to rest! 
 And lov*d by thee think nought of all my woes. 
 
 Such was the impression the lady*s pleas- 
 ing manners and very handsome face and 
 figure made on my mind ; 
 
 ** But 'tis in vain to think to guess 
 At women by appearances, 
 Who paint and patch their imperfections 
 Of intellectual complexions. 
 
|()0 LIFE OF 
 
 And daub their tempers o*er with washes 
 As artificial as their faces," 
 
 And now good night to yuu, madam ;— but 
 hold, — we must perform a duet before we 
 sink to r<^st. 
 
 TeNE, Lillihullero Lillihullan. 
 
 Pill Garlkk, (piano) 
 Like gold to a miser, the wit of a lass 
 More trouble than joy to her husband may bring, 
 
 iMdy, carelessly lolling, (forte). 
 
 That fault's in the miser, and not in his mass ; 
 He knows not to use so precious a thing, 
 
 Tutti (con gusto). 
 
 Wit teaches how 
 To arm the brow. 
 
 Pill Garlick, (solo allegro non tanto) 
 A price for that treasure some husbands have paid. 
 
 Lady, (solo affectuoso amoroso) 
 
 But wit will conceal it, 
 And if you don't feel it, 
 A horn's but a pimple scarce seen on your bead. 
 
FILL GARLICK. 191 
 
 Tutti. (forte con brio) 
 Lillibullero lillibullan ! tourelallu la la lourera 
 lalo. O— O— o— o— ♦— 
 
 Da Capo ad infinitum — 
 
 gently and gradually lowering the voice till 
 the eyes close, the head nods, the book 
 falls, and the nose takes up the chorus. 
 
 " Les railleries les plus ajjensantes sont 
 ceUes qui sont a lafois les plus inguiiuses/*'-^ 
 ** Cependnnt toute railleric qui nffefise est ifi* 
 Juste, a proportion de rimportanct de ce (^ui 
 €7t fait la jnatiere" I hope no injustice 
 iias been done by me to the lady. 
 
ARGUMENT. 
 
 Cock-a-doodle-doQ, — A portrait. — Reflections on the 
 <legenerate state of the Grecian Nation.— Pill Garlick 
 is wafted gently past the isles of Rhodes, Candia, 
 and Cypras.--Arrivcs at Alexandria —A few cursory 
 remarks (supposed to be borrowed.)— Pill Garlick 
 Honders.— An exceeding warm historical disquisition. 
 —Cleopatra's needles,— An unsuccessful attempt there- 
 on.— The plague described in a frightful manner.— An 
 affecting interview,— Pill sails for Malta.— Thence to 
 Genoa.— Ladies —A precipitate and seamanlike re- 
 treat—and why,— A disappointment.— Advantages of 
 Scaring well at sea —Pill meets* his cousin. 
 
193 
 
 CHAPTER VI 
 
 •' Here Freedom's praise no more the valley cheers, 
 ** Here patriot war, no more her banner waves, 
 <* Nor Bard, nor Sage, nor martial Chief appears, 
 " But a>teru Barbarians rule a land of slaves." 
 
 At Smyrna we delivered the pirates into 
 the hands of H. B. M. Consul, who passed 
 them over to the Turkish Government for 
 punishment, tipon which some were stran- 
 gled, others sent as slaves for life on 
 board of different ships, and among the 
 latter was the Captain, who upon leaving the 
 Narcissus drew a tear from the eye of our 
 honest boatswain^ indeed it was impossi- 
 ble not to feel for so fine a young man. 
 His apparel, though neither sumptuous nor 
 superfluous, being nothing more than a 
 
 K 
 
194 t^TTE OF 
 
 «lose jacket of embroidered blue d-oth 
 without sleeves, and a pair of short white 
 trowsers, was such however^ as gave a fair 
 <li8p]ay to the perfect symmetry of liis 
 form, and an artist would have taken his 
 portrait in this habit, in preference lo all 
 the robes of the Garter, or even to the 
 most magnificent dress in the wardrobe of 
 «ur Notorious Amateur of Fashion. 
 
 After a short stay in this large (and not- 
 withstanding the frequent devastations oc- 
 casioned by the plague) very populous ca- 
 pital, we weighed anchor and sailed for 
 Egypt : But before I mention my arrival 
 there, I shall take notice of the wonderful 
 change that has been effected in the cha- 
 racter and manners of the Greeks, a 
 change which, 'pon my life, struck me very 
 forcibly after reading so flourishing an 
 >account of them in Roliin's Anc. Hist.; 
 a neat work presented to me by my 
 grandmother before I sailed for the Medi- 
 terranean. — Apropos! (as Miss Vilkins says) 
 — VV^ell to be sure! — how one thought 
 brings on another! — Now, Courteous 
 Reader, can you guess what has just en- 
 tered my brain ^ 
 
PILL GARLICK, 195 
 
 '' I should be very sorry to bother myself 
 about your brain l" — 
 
 Nay, dont be angry, that's a good fel- 
 low; just give one guess, do, now, do ! 
 " Not I, indeed." 
 
 Well then, I'll tell you. — I have just 
 thought that I should like to be a pain- 
 ter ! — 
 
 " A Painter ! what in the name of oils 
 has driven a painter into your skull r'*— 
 
 Why, I should hke to be a Painter for 
 the purpose of embellishing this page with 
 one picture, and that picture should be 
 this.— The scene should represent a bright 
 evening, emblematical of the close of a 
 life passing serenely away unruffled by 
 cloud or storm ; in the fore ground a 
 venerable female figure, (the portrait of 
 one who has lived to a very protracted 
 age in the exercise of every virtue) should 
 be seen reclining at the base of a rugged 
 slope, representing the slope of life, dowa 
 which the figure should be supposed to 
 have cheerfully descended without having 
 suffered from the ruggedness of th^ des- 
 cent; the countenance should be inspired 
 with hope, and looking as it were without 
 
 K ^ 
 
19^ I-I'tE OF 
 
 a 'blush on the space already passed 
 over. One hand should point towards a 
 -crown apparently fixed above ihe ro- 
 tation of sublunary things, and illumined 
 with the beams of happiness and peace. 
 H^he other should contain a book entitled, 
 '< P. G.'s Gift to his much loved Relative ;" 
 in which the following words should be 
 visible in letters of gold ; — May the open- 
 ing of those realms which lie beyond the 
 grave, receive her with smiles of never- 
 ceasing joy, and reward her virtues in this 
 life with an eternal crow^n of Glory in the 
 next. Reader, I leave you to find the 
 likeness, whilst I return to the desolated 
 shores of Greece, 
 
 Many years subjection, and many con- 
 vulsions in a poUtical state we are often 
 told, and we all know, are powerful causes 
 in producing great alterations; but perhaps 
 not to that almost incredible extent which 
 here presents itself.- Npt one remaining 
 lineament of that character which distin- 
 guished their illustrious ancestors can be 
 discovered in the present inhabitants. The 
 niouldering edifice, the fallen pillar, and 
 lie broken archj alone bear silent testimony 
 
PILL GARLICK. I5.7 
 
 to the genius and refinement of the states 
 wliich produced them; the original fea- 
 tures that marked them as a Nation are 
 130 longer visible. Reduced to the lowest 
 ebb of insignificance, the natives drag on 
 a wretched existence under the subjection 
 of a proud, ignorant, superstitious race of 
 people, among whom the blessings of jn, 
 
 dependence and security »•- " 1 ? 
 
 ^ , .L.'y u! science, and the 
 
 or, oerU— . , , 
 
 smiles of prosperity and happiness, are no 
 
 longer diffused over this once celebrated 
 land; all are now humbled ia the silence 
 of eternal rest. 
 
 Passing close by the renowned isles of 
 Rhodes, Candia, and Cyprus, where once 
 stood the temple of Cupid's sportive mo* 
 ther, that rosy Queen of Love ! we were 
 in, a very few days wafted to the sandy 
 shores of Egypt, and anchored in the se- 
 cure and ancient harbour of ^lexaq- 
 dria. * ^ 
 
 The poets who iii' their ^desdni!>tions of 
 E^ypt have remarked 
 
 « *I'h« fertile pjainr Of 
 
 << Where swelling Nilus serves instead of rain." 
 
198 LIFE OF 
 
 And again, 
 
 "—'' That soil where sad Heaven never rains." 
 
 They may probably have been very 
 pretty poets, bnt certainly very incorrect 
 writers, aud remind me of those authors 
 my friend Hudibras speaks of 
 
 ' .^!^'"" '' •"'•"''• 'caions, in despight 
 
 O Geography, to change i5,^,. _. ° 
 
 And afier many circumstances 
 Which vulgar authors in romances 
 Bo use to spend their time and wUs^on, 
 
 They make impertinent description. 
 
 Very impertinent indeed, for I do not think 
 1 have seen any where heavier ,am for the 
 'ru lasted, than in Egypt; Uts true 
 "t more than one third of the year passes 
 without one drop, but to say K«e«r rains 
 
 in^yptis prodigious! 
 
 The new town of Alexandria has nothing 
 to recommend it. and as to that proud city 
 
 haill bv " Macedonian Philip's mad-brained 
 L" Iha^e oothing to s»y for it, except 
 
PILL GARLICK. 199 
 
 that It is in as equally ruinous a conditioa 
 as that of any of its contemporaries in poor 
 subjected Greece or Italy. Here the fa- 
 mous library, that contained the best ori- 
 ginals, the finest manuscripts, and the first 
 books that ever were written, was con- 
 sumed by fire ; — a happy memorial of the 
 Turkish taste for literature! The barba- 
 rous edict for the destruction of this libra- 
 ry, which at one time, we are told, con- 
 tained upwards of seven hundred thousand 
 volumes, ran thus. " If these writings 
 contain doctrines conformable to the Ko-^ 
 ran, then is the Koran alone sufficient 
 without them ; but, if what they teach be 
 repugnant to God's book, then is it fitting 
 they were destroyed." Thus, as the his- 
 torian says, with false reason for their 
 judge, and false religion for their execu- 
 tioner, perished many philosophers, poets, 
 and historians, with almost every thing 
 elegant in art, and edifying in science, 
 which the most illuminated people oa 
 earth had in the luxuriance of their genius 
 produced. History, continues the same 
 writer, passes over the melancholy period, 
 as over the chart of an ocean without a 
 
200 LIFE OF 
 
 shore, with this cutting reflection accom 
 panying it, that in this ocean are huried 
 most of the brightest monuments of ar>- 
 cient genius. Indeed, to this day, in Tur- 
 key they destroy every thing and improve 
 nothing. The spirit of the Turki&h Go- 
 vernment is to ruitt the labours of past 
 ;iges, and destroy the hopes of future 
 times ; because, no doubt, the barbarity 
 of ignorant despotism never considers to- 
 morrow. The ground outside the city is 
 to an immense extent overspread with 
 ruins; the walls with their hundred and 
 twenty towers, which formed the circum- 
 ference of ancient Alexandria^ are no lon- 
 ger t\\e subject of admiration; they, toge- 
 ther with the remains of lofty buildings 
 destroyed, whole fronts crumbling down, 
 roofs fallen in, battlements decayed, &c. 
 &c. 8cc. cover the earth in every direction. 
 ** The inhabitants, (say* Monsieur Savary 
 I believe) accustomed to this scene, behold 
 it without emotion ; but the stranger, in 
 whom the recollection of ancient ages is 
 revived by the novelty of the objects around 
 him, feels a sensation inspiring his heart 
 'with sadness, while his «oul is elevated by 
 
PILL GAHLICK. 201 
 
 their sublimity." Pharos* tower, which 
 passed according to some, for one of the 
 wonders of the world, is no longer fit for 
 defence, or worthy of observation, much 
 ]ess of won J er, I visited this ancient tro;/- 
 dcr several times, in hopes of discovering^ 
 something to wonder at, but was always 
 ivonderfu/l^ disappointed, and walked away 
 wondering how such a wonderful confused 
 heap of ruins could ever have been a won^ 
 der sufficiently wondrous for the world \o 
 wonder at. Pompey*s pillar, upon the top 
 of which I ate share of a buffalo steak, is 
 a very remarkable curiosit}', standing by 
 itself in a sandy plain a short distance from 
 the city ; the shaft of this pillar is one sin- 
 gle stone of granite highly poHshed, and 
 I am informed — ^* mind, 1 don't vouch for 
 the fact" — but I am informed, is eighty-four 
 feet in height, and twenty-eight feet in cir- 
 cumference ; it is thought to be one of the 
 finest monuments for which we are indebt- 
 ed to antiquity ; at this indeed I wondered 
 with a wonderful deal of pleasure. Some 
 have pretended to prove that it is impro- 
 perly called Pompey's pillar, and that it 
 should be called the pillar of Severus* 
 K 5 
 
202 LIFE OF 
 
 Now whether it belongs to Pompey, or to 
 Severus, or both, or neither, is a matter at 
 this distance of time of as Httle conse- 
 quence, perhaps, as to know the real au- 
 thor of Junius; but 
 
 " Still the trite proverb we should keep in view, 
 ** And * suum cuique — give the Devil bis due." 
 
 I for my part am decidedly in favour of 
 Mister Pompey, and that opinion is con- 
 firmed by several little stories with which 
 Miss Vilkins frequently made me entertain 
 her from a book called the Roman His- 
 tory. It is there mentioned, that after the 
 bloody battle of Pharsalia, in which Pom- 
 pey was defeated by Caesar, the former fled 
 to Egypt, where he was basely murdered 
 by Septimius and another rascal call- 
 ed Achilles, or Achillus, or something 
 like it ; but no matter now. Caesar's 
 ambition aimed at nothing less than the 
 total destruction of poor Pompey, and was 
 determined to follow up his victory, by 
 pursuing him to whatever country he might 
 retire, Egypt, as I said before, was the 
 country the vanquished general fled to. 
 
PILL GARLICK. 203 
 
 and Caesar after him as hard as he could 
 pelt! Upon landing there, the first tidings 
 he received were of Pompey's miserable 
 end, and soon after his head and ring were 
 brought to the conqueror, supposing them 
 to be an acceptable present; but he was 
 too great a man to rejoice at such an act; 
 for he knew Pompey was also a great man, 
 and worthy of a better end. " Caesar turn- 
 ed from the spectacle with, horror, and 
 shortly after ordered a magnificent tomb 
 to be raised to his memory." — So much 
 for Pompey*s claim to the pillar. Now let 
 us see if the same story book say's so much 
 in favour of the other gentleman's claim. 
 Sevcrus, the twenty-first emperor of Rome, 
 after fighting many, battles, and gaining 
 many victories in ma»y places> took a trip 
 to Britain, where, after thrashing the Ca- 
 ledonians, he built that famous- wall ex- 
 tending from.Solway Eirth on the west to 
 the German ocean oa the east ; it was very 
 broad and very high, with towers, at small 
 distances from each otl>er, and communi- 
 cating by pipes of brass in the wall, which, 
 conveyed instructions from one garrison tor 
 ^uothex with great dispatch. He retired. 
 
^04 LIFE OF 
 
 in his old age to York, where he died. All 
 this is very fine ; but advances noihing to 
 insure his claim to the pillar eighty-Four 
 feet high, in the sandy plain near Alexan- 
 dria. Severus is only mentioned in the 
 Eastern world, as having marched through 
 Egypt and Palestine at the head of his ar- 
 my; but he certainly is not reported to 
 have performed any achievement in that 
 country to meiit so fine a monument to be 
 erected to his memory. Now if this neat 
 historical remark should happen not to de- 
 cide the case clearly, I wouM recommend 
 the two gentlemen in dispute to toss up for 
 the honour and glory of bestowing a name 
 upon this immense stone. 
 
 What sport 'twould be to see their spectres rise, 
 Bones ghastly white, dark caverns for their eyes ! 
 To see them toss the coppers up and — — what? 
 Why frighten all spectators from tlie spot. 
 For well I judge, soon as their pates were shewn, 
 No soul would stay to see who lost or won ! 
 
 Cleopatra's needles, two curious obelisks, 
 between which some anticjuaiians place the 
 tomb of Alexander, are of an enormous 
 size, hewn out of a single rock of granite> 
 
PILL GARLICK. 205 
 
 and still in a very perfect state; one is 
 standing, the other lying near it half buried 
 in the sand ; they are covered with hiero- 
 glypliics which nobody can explain, though 
 I dare say every sagacious traveller still 
 adds a new conjecture to the hundred and 
 fifty conjectures already published upon 
 these enigmatical symbols. Previous to 
 the evacuation of Egypt by the British 
 array an attempt was made by our Gene- 
 rals, or Admirals, or both, to take off the 
 one lying in the sand ; but, whether a ship 
 could not be procured sufficiently sea-wor- 
 thy to carry such a cargo in her hold, or 
 whether a mechanical purchase could not 
 be procured of sufficient pmver to raise it, 
 an humble midshipman dare not presume 
 to determine. Be that as it may, it was 
 deemed convenient to relinquish the pro- 
 ject ; and I am now inclined to think, that 
 our not being altogether aufait in that art, 
 which the ancients evidently possessed, of 
 moving at pleasure those immense weights, 
 was a grand cause why Cleopatra's neefdl^ 
 remained undisturbed in her native lan^i 
 
 The field of battle wh^re ihe irilnibrtal 
 Abercrombie was slain exhibited a very 
 
206 LIFE OF 
 
 interesting scene ; the height where the 
 most obstinate stand was made by the ene- 
 my commands a beautiful view of the cele- 
 brated Bay of Aboukir, and the adjoining 
 coasts, together with a most extensive 
 prospect of the sea ; but I should not be 
 surprised if these beauties were overlooked 
 by the combatants on the memorable twen- 
 ty four I h of March, for I did not take 
 notice of it myself until I had fully grati- 
 fied my curiosity by a close inspection of 
 all the legs, arms, and bodies that were 
 still to be seen scattered on the sand, and 
 which had been so completely baked by 
 the sun, that a few dirty old rags judicious- 
 ly twisted round them would have made 
 them easily pass for mummies. I regretted 
 much that I had not rags sufficient for the 
 purpose, as I certainly should have been 
 tempted lo carry off the remains of an un- 
 fortunate French or English soldier, and 
 christen him by some notorious name of 
 antiquity; perhaps by that of the very 
 Pompey I have just been conjuring up 
 from the shades below to prove his right- 
 to the great pillar. 
 
PILL GARLICK. 207 
 
 Antiques are always held in estimation, 
 And (though the produce of this very nation) 
 My Pompey might have pass'd ; for such the 
 
 rage is. 
 That queer things most are valued by our sages. 
 But mark ; (in candid charity I tell 'em) 
 Antiques, like mine, the knowing ones oft sell 'em. 
 
 That dreadful pestilence, the plague, 
 which used to commit such ravages in this 
 country, seldom made its appearance, at 
 least to any alarming degree, while the 
 English remained, as they look every pre* 
 caution, and made the natives preserve 
 their houses and streets free from their ac- 
 customed filth — a very arduous undertaking, 
 but which the zeal and peiseverance of 
 the British Commandant (now the Portu- 
 guese Marshal) nearly accomplished. 
 
 The following lines, descriptive of that 
 terrible scourge, though old, I am con- 
 vinced will prove new to many of my read- 
 ers, as Pill Garlick's pen has given them 
 considerable embellishment. In order to 
 account (mind not to apologize) for aoyr 
 apparent incorrectness, I shall just state^ 
 that I insert them from memory, " that great 
 warder of the brain !" who must alone bear 
 
«>08 LIFE OF 
 
 the brunt of correction, if necessary. But 
 above all I beg of you to bear in mind, 
 
 " That rhyme the rudder is of verses, 
 
 " With which like ships they steer their courses.**' 
 
 THE PLAGUE. 
 
 Sad grows the time, nor with her wonted cheer^ 
 Or usual dressing doth the Spring appear ; 
 No cleansing gale of Zephyr fans the air, 
 "NVhlle rising fogs obscure the welkin fair. 
 Without his showers contagious Auster blows,. 
 And painted Summer no kind fruit bestows. 
 Nor does the Sun (as if inflam'd with ire) 
 Send down that wholesome and prolific fire 
 He used to do, but beams of mortal heat ; 
 And from the bosom of the Twins as great 
 Combustion kindles, as if he then 
 Upon the Nemean lion's back had been ! 
 
 Within the farthest Eastern lands, from whencfe 
 Day breaks, breaks forth the fatal pestilence ;. 
 As if with rising Titan it begun, 
 And followed thence the motion of the Sun, 
 T6 Europe then doth hot contagion fly, 
 Raging through every part of Italy 1 
 
 ♦The two lines above are not quoted correctly in pag** 
 122, Rejected Addresses. Hem ! U 
 
PILL GAULICK. 209 
 
 Death in his chariot rides through all the land, 
 
 No age or sex escapes his vengeful hand ; 
 
 rhe infant dies before it can be grown 
 
 Acquainted with the tender mansion ! 
 
 The aged man, not 'cause he's aged goes, 
 
 But only 'cause he has a life to lose. 
 
 The mourning grave becomes a marriage bed 
 
 To beauteous maids, now prematurely dead. 
 
 The howling widow, though she loved him dear, 
 
 Yet dares not follow her dead husband's bier ! 
 
 One father wails his son, another all 
 
 His household carries in one funeral ! 
 
 The near allied, whose care the sick attends, 
 
 blCKen llicinflclves, ami Uic bcfuie tlicii friends ! 
 
 Some who lament a wretched comrade's doom, 
 E*eu while they bear his body to the tomb, 
 
 Th* infection fates them never to return, 
 And shuts their ashes in one sacred urn! 
 No antidote can save from this disease ; 
 The greatest hope is but to die in peace I* 
 Tor oft the fiery sickness doth attack 
 Reason's cool seat, and there prevailing make 
 A strange distraction ! worse than loss of breath. 
 Tor which their friends wish, as a cure, their death. 
 At tirst the bowels broil, with fervor stretch'd ; 
 The symptoms redness, hot wind hardly fetch'd ; 
 The face all scorch'd ; no moisture has the eye, 
 Nor can by tears express their misery 1 
 
 ♦" A word for sen»e, and one fer rhyme, 
 " Xs quite sufficient at one time/* 
 
 Hud. 
 
210 LIFE OF 
 
 The parch'd tongue swells, the lank jaws gape 
 
 for breath. 
 And with the air inhale a swifter death. 
 None can endure or coverture, or bed, 
 But on the stones their panting bodies spread"; 
 Cold stones can no way mitigate the heat, 
 Even they beneath their burning burdens sweat,- 
 Of remedy they see no hope at all. 
 But only in approaching funeral I 
 
 Thus reigns the plague among the country 
 swains^ 
 Then in the large and pop'lous city reigns. 
 
 All languish .'—Woodo, AclJo,^otlioj «o Ivngci h'dTC^ 
 
 Are fill'd with carcase* that stenah the air, 
 'U^hich neither dogs nor fowl of prey, (how much 
 So ever starved) nor hoary wolves would touch. 
 Nor doth this venomous contagion 
 Work the destruction of mankind alone. 
 For fowl and cattle perish, as if grown 
 On earth quite useless since the men are gone. 
 Bogs, oxen, sheep and savage beasts all die, 
 Nor can the birds this swift infection fly. 
 E'en toads and vipers die, acquainted grown 
 With venom far more mortal than their own. 
 Three Sisters' nimble bands can scarce suffice 
 To cut the threads sad Destiny supplies ! ! 
 
 The ilelay of the British troops in Egypt 
 after peace was concluded excited the jea- 
 
PILLGARLICK. Sit 
 
 lousy of the Turks, who^ at the secret in- 
 stigation of Napoleon the Little, were ac- 
 tually assembling an army to drive us out, 
 vi et armis, if we persisted in holding 
 Alexandria any longer, and a Turkish 
 squadron, much superior in force to ours, 
 was also assembled in the harbour, and 
 ready to act as occasion might require. 
 However, these hostile preparations were 
 soon discovered, and means taken to defeat 
 them. The British Commodore required 
 an explanation of this conduct from the 
 Mahometan Admiral, and in one of those 
 explanatory embassys in which I happened 
 to be employed, I discovered the Pirate 
 Chieftain in chains on the forecastle of the 
 Turkish Admiral's ship. I immediately 
 recollected the boatswain's words, and 
 thought I felt them tingling in my ear, 
 nay, in my very heart, — " misfortune ever 
 claims the pity of the brave." He told me 
 his chains were never taken off while the 
 ship was in port, and when at sea he was 
 only relieved from them to undergo all the 
 hardships and drudgery that an unfeeling 
 cruel enemy could invent. " I am now 
 (suid he) only twenty five years of age, aad 
 
212 LIFE OF 
 
 in this degrading slavery I am condemned 
 to pass the retiainder of ray days. Happy 
 would it have been for me if your com- 
 mander had put his threats in execution 
 the fatal day on which 1 fell into your 
 power r* The poor fellow having ended 
 this short but pitiable exclamation, drop- 
 ped the heavy chains which he held to 
 ease his fainting body of their weight, and 
 clasping his hands together with great 
 emotion, hid his sad afflicted face from my 
 sight. — I turned away — I looked back— a 
 melting pity, tbat poor comfort of calami- 
 ty, crept into my heart. Twas all I had 
 to give ! — If my power equalled my wishes ; 
 happy had it been for the young Greek. 
 
 Shortly after this period the long ex- 
 pected orders for the evacuation of Egypt 
 arrived; all was joy and bustle both on 
 shore and on board; every body had be- 
 come as heartily tired of this sultry cli- 
 mate as of the tough flesH of buffalos, 
 upon which we had been feeding; so that 
 no time was lost before the troops were 
 embarked, and in a few days we spread 
 our sails to a fair breeze for Malta, where 
 the whole convoy arrived safe. To their 
 
PILL GARtlCK. 21 
 
 >. 
 
 gre:it anno3'ance, however, they were in- 
 -stantly put under quarantine, and no com- 
 munication was permitted with the shore 
 for forty days and forty nights; a very 
 tedious confinement certainly, but methinks 
 it is better to bear it patiently, than to run 
 the risk of seeing Kurope overrun with 
 that dreadful contagion which has just 
 been so emphatically described in the 
 plaguey poem. We were no sooner re- 
 leased from qiiarantine, than we sailed for 
 Genoa Superba, a fine large city full of 
 inhabitants, but looked upon, I have heard 
 as a very bad set of people; the causes 
 why, I never took the troul)le to ascertain. 
 The houses in the principal streets are 
 built of white marble, which has a very 
 grand effect; indeed the buildings through- 
 out are uniformly superb. The ladies here 
 are of a very gallant disposition, have no 
 more aversion to deep gambling than to 
 good cheer, and bind themselves in mar- 
 riage to one that ' they may only more 
 freely stray out to mani/. Every member 
 of this frail corporation, or every one of 
 these " fair afflictions" (as some have prettily 
 called the sex) has her cicisbeo, that is to 
 
214 I.IFE OF 
 
 say, her friend, who is sometimes known 
 to be very faithful, provided the lady pos- 
 sesses any tolerable allurements ; it cannot 
 be very difBcult to guess that these allure- 
 ments are such as the lady told Sir Hudip 
 bras he was so transported with. 
 
 " Tis not those paltry counterfeit 
 
 ** French stones, which in our eyes you set, 
 
 " But our right diamonds, that inspire 
 
 ** And set your amorous heart on fire. 
 
 " 'Tis not those orient pearls our tcetb, 
 
 •' That you are so transported with ; 
 
 " But those we wear about our necks, 
 
 " Produce those amorous effects. 
 
 " Nor is't those threads of gold, our hair, 
 
 " The perriwigs you make us wear ; 
 
 <* But those bright guineas in our chests, 
 
 ** That light the wild-fire in your breasts."* 
 
 There is a saying of the country and 
 town of Genoa which runs thus, '* iWo«« 
 tagne senza iegni; mar* senza pesci ; homini 
 senza Jede; donne senza vergogna; mori 
 bianchi; e con todo questo Genoa Super ba IT 
 i, €, Mountains without wood ; sea without 
 
 ♦ " Long may Long TilDcy Wellesley Long Pole Ilye f" 
 
PILL C4JILICK. 215 
 
 fish ; men without faith ; women without 
 shame; white slaves; yet, with all this, 
 Genoa the proud! 
 
 It was in this place we received the first 
 intimation of the renewal of hostilities 
 between England and France. The British 
 Consul dispatched a messenger on board 
 the Narcissus, in the middle of the night, 
 to inform us that a courier had just arrived 
 from France with orders to seize every 
 I^nglish subject, and ; English ship that 
 could possibly be laid hold of by hook or 
 by crook ; and that the utmost precaution 
 and alacrity, on our part, would be neces- 
 sary to avoid falling into the perfidious 
 snare. The entrance of the harbour of 
 Genoa is extremely narrow, the distance 
 between the pier heads nut being more 
 than, perhaps, thirty yards; and on each 
 pier head^ there is a battery of very heavy 
 ,guns, which, when prepared, can prevent 
 "the ingress or egress of any ship on the 
 *' face of the Earth." Delay would have 
 indeed been a matter of serious conse- 
 <juence, therefore no time was lost. 
 
 I have been cautioned before now, in parti- 
 cular arts to beware of that affectation of 
 
2i6 LIFE OF 
 
 speaking technically, by which ignorance is 
 often disguised, and knowledge disgraced; 
 however without labouring to keep up the 
 borrowed phrases of erudition, I am deter- 
 mined to describe the escape of the ^Nar- 
 cissus from Genoa in the identical tech- 
 nical terms which were then used. 
 
 *' We must make a dash for it lads/' 
 said the Captain. 
 
 *' Ii*s all the chance we have, sir/' was 
 the reply. 
 
 '^ They have got devilish heavy metal on 
 those piers !" 
 
 '* Our own are pretty middling, sir/* 
 *' Quartermaster! how's the wind:'* 
 " Right out of the harbour, sir." 
 '^ ril be damned but here goes I — All 
 hands up anchor, hoy! — bear a hand now, 
 lads, and ship the capstan bars; — stretch 
 along the messenger there in the waist ! — 
 Away up, fore, main, and mizen topmen, 
 loose the topsails! — Gunners and fore-yard 
 men loose the courses ! — Are ye ready for 
 heaving?" 
 
 " Ail ready, sir !" 
 
 '^ Heave away ! heave round, heave 
 round cheerly !" 
 
PILL GARLICK. 217 
 
 '^ Anchor's a peak V 
 
 ** Stretch along the topsail sheets and 
 halyards I — sheet home ! — hoist away !— 
 Man the jib halyards there in the waist !" 
 
 '' All manned, sir !" 
 
 '^ Hoist away!— Lie into the capstaa 
 bars there again lads I — heave round !— 
 heave and away!" 
 
 " Anchor's a w^igh !" 
 
 *' Clap the helm a midships !'* 
 
 '^Ay, ay,sirr 
 
 ** Heaving in sight !— belay ho ! belay ! 
 bear a hand and hook the cat !'* 
 
 " All hook'd, sir !*• 
 
 " Run away with the cat fall my boys !'* 
 " Two blocks ! belay ho ! belay I" 
 
 " Try fish by hand !•• 
 
 '' All hooked !" 
 
 '' Gunners I get the buoy in T— " Every 
 man to his quarters !— Steady boy J steady l" 
 « St*dee— e-e-e-e !" 
 
 Now the ship is running between the 
 piers ; a dead sileace prevails 1 ♦ * ♦ * 
 « * # # 
 
 *' All clear, by Heavens ! — Hands make 
 flail. — Let run the fore-clue-garnets? — haul 
 QUI the spanker !-^Shake the reefs out of 
 
218 LIFE OF 
 
 the topsails! — Up top-gallant and royal 
 yards ! — Rig out the studding-sail booms ! 
 — Set studding-sails below and aloft! — And 
 carry on my boys ! till all is blue ! 
 
 You may imagine we were sooa out of 
 reach of the batteries, and when we con- 
 sidered ourselves perfectly safe, we lowered 
 the studding sails, furled the royals and 
 top- gallant- sails, up foresail, down jib, 
 braiJed up the spanker, double reefed the 
 topsails, and hove to on the starboard tac!^ ; 
 then hoisted the jolly-boat out, and sent 
 her into the harbour to acquaint the mer- 
 chantmen of their danger. The smart ones 
 followed the example of the Narcissus, but 
 the lubberly ones were ail nabbed and de- 
 tained in hmbo. When the vessels joined 
 us in the offing we steered for Leghorn, 
 where a great many English ships were 
 lying without any suspicion that the furious 
 God of War was again bristling his angry 
 crest, and snarling in the heavenly eyes of 
 Peace. These ships immediately got un- 
 der weigh, and put themselves under the 
 protection of the Narcissus, who convoyed 
 them all safe to Malta, from whence we 
 proceeded to join the British fleet, which 
 
PILL GARLICK. 219 
 
 had by this time resumed the blockade of 
 Toulon. On our way thither we descried 
 a strange sail, which was soon made out 
 to be a irigate ; all sail was made in chace 
 of her, and as we approached we threw out 
 signals, which were answered by others 
 from the stranger, but the meaning (which 
 I take to be the very cream of signalizing) 
 was what we could not comprehend. The 
 prevailing opinion was, that the frigate to 
 all intents and purposes was an enemy, and 
 we indulged ourselves so far in that hope 
 as to beat to quarters and prepare the ship 
 for action j we even ran up several rough 
 calculations upon our respective shares of 
 prize.money. The captain's share we €»• 
 timated at so many thousands ; the lieute- 
 nant's at so many hundreds ; and that of 
 the jolly midshipmen, (who share with all 
 boatswain's mates, cook*s mates, gunner's 
 mates, carpenter's mates^ surgeon's mates, 
 and the Lord Mayor knows how many 
 mates,) we estimated at so many one pound 
 notes; however, even the share of this res* 
 pectable part of tj^e crew is sometliing 
 more than five titues as much as tliat of 
 a common sailor. 
 
 I. 9 
 
^^0 t>IFE OF 
 
 As T do not wish to lie under such im* 
 pntalions of inaccuracy as I have heard 
 Voltaire accused of, *' who is in every reaped 
 <i very loose writer, who states many serious 
 circumstances without advancing the slight- 
 est authority;*' to avoid, I say, all such 
 scandalous imputations, 1 shall just men 
 tion one example where I received prize 
 money in the said proportion of five to one. 
 It was for the Hercule, a fine French ship 
 of 80 guns, captured by H. M. S. Mars of 
 74, after a very gallant and desperate ac- 
 tion, fonght yard-arm and yard-arm, where- 
 in 1 bore a share. — I mean of the profits, 
 not the glory ; but indeed such is the 
 strange taste of mortals, that many would 
 give all the glory for half ihe profits. Me- 
 thinks some will here pause to consider, 
 *^' how the dickens" I could share the prize 
 money without joining in the capture? 
 -Know then that the being within hearing 
 of the guns of an action at sea, entitles the 
 -distant peaceful hearer to as great a share 
 of the prize as he who has been exposing 
 his pate to the pitiless pelting of iron show- 
 ers, or fighting up to the ancles in a quag- 
 anire of mangled brains ! Nothing is 
 
PILL GARLICIC , HM 
 
 chalked upon the log-board with more 
 eagerness and accuracy than the report of 
 distant guns at sea; viz. *' At 8h. ll'T. 
 M. light airs and foggy weather ; heard 
 several guns- in the S. S. E. quarter, &c. 
 &c." Now, whenever it is known that 
 such a frigate has taken such a frigate, a. 
 delightful prize! &c. that she fell in with 
 her in such a latitude, &c. on such a day^ 
 &c. at such an hour, Sec. in such weather, 
 &c. and after a smart peppering, &,c. took 
 her, &c. and towed her into harbour, &c. 
 
 &c. &c. " Why d n my eyes, (one 
 
 of the crew belonging to the hearijig ship 
 will exclaim) that must have been the firing 
 we heard that there night, you know Jack, 
 just as wo were relieving the last dog* 
 
 watch." " Ay, I'll be d d if it is'nt r 
 
 answers Jack. '* I say, you Tom I don't 
 you mind when I relieved you at the wheel ? 
 and says J, Tom, says I, there's a gun I 
 No, says you, it an't. Yes, says I, but 'tis, 
 
 and I'll be d d but there's another! 
 
 Then you laughs, and says it was a purser'* 
 guu* ; but I knew it wa'n't no such a 
 
 ^ AU casks on board a man of war are in cbai^ of tlu^ 
 
12£2 LIFE or 
 
 thing." These conjectures run through 
 the hearing ship, from the captain to th6 
 ]ob-lolIy boy ; all are concerned ! the log- 
 book is consulted, the latitude, longitude, 
 bearings and distance, wind, weather, and 
 all other particulars are ascertained, which 
 prove that tsuch a frigate was within bear- 
 ing of the guns of such a frigate when she 
 captured such a frigate. The glory, as I 
 have already stated in Pill Garlick's case, is 
 not much considered, but the prize money 
 must be equally shared. 
 
 The Narcissus was soon close on board 
 of the strange frigate ; up went our colours, 
 and up wTnt the stranger's; which to the 
 infinite regret of both ships, soon proved 
 them to be of the identical same nation. 
 This supposed enemy happened to be H, 
 M. S. Juno, of 32 guns, just from England, 
 and was furnished with an entire new set 
 of signals, lest the old ones should have 
 fallen into the hands of the French ; a cir- 
 cumstance which accounts pretty clearly 
 
 pnrser, and the noise made by moving an empty one upon 
 the deck sounds very like a distant gun; hence the plea- 
 sant wave-cutting phrase of a ♦* purser's gua." 
 
riLL GARLICK, SW 
 
 for our misconception. I had the agree* 
 able satisfaction of seeing (through a spy- 
 glass) my cousin and namesake on board 
 the Juno; and he bad the same pleasure 
 of seeing (through a spy-glass) his cousin 
 and namesake on board the Narcissus ; 
 8uch was precisely the communication we 
 had with each other for the first time since 
 our rencontre at Portsmouth, where it may 
 be recollected I made him a present* of 
 that good piece of advice, " to bear a hand, 
 lest his ship should sail for America/' Nar- 
 cissus and Juno^ (like Doctor Syntax and 
 the Bookseller,) 
 
 •* Thus, such is this world's odds and ends ! 
 ** Though foes they met, they parted friends." 
 
 • *• Ob tie donm rien si liUralcment qut $e$ cunseiU,' 
 
ARGUMENT. 
 
 Pill Garlick drunk ^ith joy. — Compares himself to (h« 
 Grand Tnrk, — Is blown away the Lord knows where, 
 — Superstition defined. — Pill Garlick sadly bewildered, 
 — A Sylph rouses him. — Recommended to blow his 
 nose. — Ingenious contrivance. — The term " Man of 
 War" clearly explained. — A victory gained by running 
 away. — Fill and his whole ship's company too happy — - 
 and why. — A toast to Bonaparte drank with rapturous 
 applause. — Pill and his whole ship's company too mi- 
 serable — and why. — Pill Garlick imprecates in poetry, 
 —supplicates in ditto. — Displays a considerable share 
 of learning. — Ingulfed in Davy's Locker. — An exceU 
 lent ipeech lost for want of breath. 
 
SS5> 
 
 CHAPTER VIL 
 
 Fortune f that jilt, who crowns to-day oarjoyf^. 
 To-morrow all our happinets destroys | 
 Frowns on the very obyect which she bless'd, 
 Aud ruiiu most, those whom she most caressed. 
 
 We were employed for some time cruising 
 off and on the enemy's. coast, taking, burn- 
 ing, and destroying every thing tliat c;ime 
 in our way belonging to. the French, natioa 
 Among other prizes^ after a. very hard 
 chase of seven hours, we captured a fire 
 privateer^ which was immediately raanri; J^ 
 with a proportionate number of our sea- 
 men, and the command giyen to Pill Garr 
 lick, i know not whethex Lwas then more 
 composed qf joy., or joy of me ! for Lseemr 
 ed not glad, but gladness itself I Iconfess, 
 tluiif I had suspected such a transporting 
 L.5 
 
226 LIFE OF 
 
 event was ever to have befallen me, 1 would 
 have run away from Doctor Scuttlebreech- 
 uni's school the first week 1 was placed 
 there, and plunged myself into a horsepond 
 at the bare idea of becoming Lord Chief 
 Justice 1 I dare venture to assert, that 
 since the origin of cavilling and squabbling, 
 there never was a lawyer who received 
 more real happiness on fingering his first 
 fee, than I did upon obtaining this my 
 first command ; a happiness which 1 thought 
 Jove would be far more proud of than his 
 deityship ; ay, more pleased was I with it 
 than Phaeton, when driving the flaming 
 chariot of the Sun, before he knew the daum 
 ger that was approaching. But hold, I am 
 in too violent a hurry to get on board my 
 ship to think of wasting my time in further 
 similies. Fancy a saucy Mid strutting the 
 quarter-deck of his owrt ship, in which per* 
 haps there is but just room for three step? 
 and overboard ; fancy him delivering his 
 orders, whether necessary or not, no mat- 
 ter, he is Commandant General, and must 
 he obeyed ; fancy him lolling in the Siat& 
 cabin, just large enough to contain his 
 chest, and very likely a chair ;— I'll troubfe 
 
PILL GAKLICK.' S27 
 
 you to fancy all this, and more, if 1 had 
 patience to telJ you, — then ask yourself, if 
 the head of the Grand Turk could have 
 been more occupied with the duties of hig. 
 Seraglio, than mine was with the govera-^ 
 ment of my wooden world. 
 
 The deck receives me not, 'tis air I tread ! 
 And at each step I take, my towVing head 
 ** Knocks out a star in Heaven I'* 
 
 The instructions I received on my ap* 
 pointment to this, as I then supposed, the 
 most important of all most important com- 
 mands, was to remain and cruire with 
 the fleet, in order to facilitate the cap* 
 ture of vessels close io with the enemy's 
 coast, where the larger ships coukl not 
 venture. 1 knmv not how long I might 
 have been employed on this enterpriziiig 
 service, if rude blustering Boreas had not, 
 one dark rainy night, blown me away ta 
 .^-ihe Lord knows where! The whole 
 fleet was dispersed by the fury of the 
 gale*— "I was> really in. an awkward predi" 
 cament; there were prisoners on board, 
 ichose Qumber was double that of my 
 
228 LIFE OF 
 
 crew; 1 had only one small cask of water; 
 very little biscuit^ but a vast quantity of 
 beef and pork; this latter was perhaps a 
 comfoitabie reflection, yet you will hardly 
 think so, when informed, that it was so 
 tad as to turn even the delicate stomach 
 of a sailor, and upon my arrival in port 
 was, by a regular survey, actually con- 
 demned *' as stinking, rotteji^ and unfit 
 for men to eat " A bag of vermicellr and 
 a keg of black-strap were our principal food 
 (and not bad either in such times.) Black- 
 strap is that species of dark winey-coloured 
 liquor which I had occasion to make men- 
 tion of in the cockpit. So violent had 
 been my hurry to get out of the Narcissus, 
 and so confused was my head with the 
 importance of command, that I had totally 
 forgotten to provide myself with maps 
 and charts, and many other nautical ne- 
 cessaries, whereof there were none to be 
 found on board of the privateer, except 
 one page of an old Italian Atlas, and a 
 compass, so damaged, that I had much 
 reason to fear it would prove but a sorry 
 dependance. The prisoners, who were 
 some Italians, some French, some Geaoese', 
 
PILL GAULICK. 229 
 
 Upon seeing the fury of the gale increase, 
 had recourse to prayer, to the invocation 
 of saints, to vows and charms, to every 
 thing that a fantastical rehgion can dic- 
 tate, or superstition suggt^sL to the affright- 
 ed minds of men, 
 
 " lieirs work performing in the name of God." 
 
 No pilt^^'^ ^^ dehverancc appearing 
 from tiie skill of their pippin-siiueezing 
 commander, they abandoned themselves to 
 despair, and expected every moment to be 
 swallowed up in the waves, or dashed 
 against some one of the surrounding 
 coasts,— perhaps I myself expected the 
 same ! — Oh sad reverse ! — how were my 
 glittering prospects changed! — proof in- 
 controvertible of the versatility of all mun- 
 dane aliairs ! 
 
 " Such is life, 
 " Full of strange casualties, which overset 
 ** E'en in an instant the proud work of years.** 
 
 Pale and aghast awhile confus'd I stood, 
 
 And thought of mirih at home, of fire-side joys^ 
 
 Alas ! (in secret to myself I said) 
 
230 LIFE OF 
 
 Far distant now, Pill Garlick, art thou toss'd 
 From the lovM mansion of thy younger days I 
 Where, e*en this moment it may be they sit, 
 Mother, brothers, sisters, and Miss Vilkins, all 
 In social ring, on cheerful converse bent. 
 Or some at whist or loo, in loud dispute, 
 Oft dropp'd, yet 'tween each deal as oft renew'd, 
 And nearly comes to fisticuffs ! but Peace 
 \Vith smiles draws on, and all are friends again. 
 Others their stories tell, twice ten times told ; 
 Others a joke, from greasy hum'rous page 
 Of fani'd Joe IMiller filch'd, or well-known Ben, 
 Others in dismal tone a ghastly tale 
 Relate, till " Oh I" all cry, " how dismal, Ob V 
 Others themselves amuse, with hopes to guess 
 Jack Tollors laugh-provoking pun, absurd 
 Although it be, and hard to be discern'd. 
 Yet the purpose serves, for it shakes their sides ; 
 Wit from ill-nature purged must ever please, 
 And who'd the laugh of cheerfulness proscribe ? 
 
 Thus chattering sit this care-forgetting groups 
 Ah ! little think they of the storm-toss'd ship,. 
 Or poor Pill Garlick, midst the winds and waves, 
 The waves unseen, save by the lightning's glare. 
 Or when the clouds disclose the Moon*s pale phiz ;. 
 Pale indeed, and wan, yet with pleasure viewed. 
 So some fair nymph, whiter than wax, and far 
 More ugly, yet with pleasure is beheld. 
 
PILL GARLICK. 831 
 
 When through Billingsgate's boist'rous crowd she 
 
 hies. 
 For, save herself, all there are black, blue, red ! 
 
 Thus, (as the tempest furious raged around, 
 The troubled sea to mighty mounuins risen. 
 Threatening on me to spit their briny drops. 
 While Death in triumph sat on every wave) 
 AlarmM, sad commune with myself I held, 
 Disguis*d a sigh or two, then puff'd them off? 
 And though at school I'd learn'd, ** The clouded 
 
 dawn 
 <* Has often brightenM, and a frowning morn 
 " Been the rude prologue of a placid day.** 
 
 Still I could not bring myself to think 
 that I was ever again to see " a placid 
 day," so furiously did the elements wage 
 war around me. Amazed and stu pitied, 
 ("like one whose soul has gone on some 
 serious errand, and left the corps in pawn 
 till it comes back,'*) I stood gazing upon 
 the shattered compass ; 1, 2, 3^ 4,5, 6, 7, 8, 
 9, 10 thousand ideas all came whirling with 
 the bitter blast into my head at once ; — 1, 2, 
 S, 4, 5, 6, 7, S, 9^> 10 thousand bags of briefs ; 
 —1, 2, 3, 4, 5, b, 7, 8, 9;, 10 thousand Chan- 
 cellor's wigs, and Rabinson Crusoe's ghost, 
 all danced before me in the distracted maze 
 
232 LIFE OF 
 
 of my imagination. At length the deia- 
 sion placed me in a coach and four ; I fan- 
 cied I was driving at a devil of a rate down 
 Parliament Street to take my seat upon the 
 wool-sack, when suddenly I heard crack ! 
 crack ! 1 thought it was the pole of my 
 carriage, and was just going to step out 
 for fear of an accident, when I distinctly 
 heard, — *' hallo there ! d — n my eyes if the 
 fore-yard is*nt carried away in the slings 
 and blown to blazes !" — at the same mo- 
 ment a httle winged creature. 
 
 Some Sylph, methought, invisible but near,. 
 With, sound impressive whisper'd in my ear ; 
 ** Awake, O Garlic k ! from tby stupid dream, 
 " For here nor coach nor Chancellor is seen ; 
 " Rouse I wipe thy drowsy eyes, and blow thy 
 
 nose, 
 " Or cast away you'll be — where, Heaven knows! 
 ** Your bark, now o*er the drunken Ocean flies, 
 " Scourged on by surges, storm, and bursting^ 
 
 skies,; 
 " Rouse, then O Garlick ! and thy ship attend, 
 " For on thy steerage all thy hopes depend.'* 
 Thus sung the Sylph, which kindly did appear^ 
 From pure compassion to dispel my fear. 
 Full cheap I thought such counsel at a shillings 
 And to repay ray Monitor was willing j 
 
PILL GARLICK. 233 
 
 I gazed above, below, before, behind, 
 In hopes the gen'rous little Imp to find. 
 And thankful hug it in my circling arms, 
 For soothing thus, such sad and false alarms. 
 But ah ! the aerial Sprite, off like a shot ! 
 Left Pill to go — to Glory, or to pot I — 
 
 So gazed young Phaeton with pale dismay. 
 When in the golden curricle of day 
 With rash unsteady hand the stripling tried 
 1 h* unbroken coursers of the Sun to guide ; 
 And soon in flames had set the World below, 
 Had Jove not kicked him to the river Po, 
 Though surely much more daring was the notion^ 
 For him to trace the Skies, than Pill the Ocean* 
 
 Now mindful of th' advice the Sylph did lend> 
 ** Awake, O Pill, and to thy ship attend ;" 
 I straight resumed the shatter'd vessel's care,^ 
 Fix'd as in danger, so in toil to share. 
 Hoarse as the whirlwind that enraged the main^ 
 With brazen lungs I then sent forth this strain. 
 " Square all the yards there!— do you hear 
 
 what*s said ? 
 " Quick ! d— n your eyes, or I shall break 
 
 your head ! 
 " So, steady 1 meet her ! watch the blast behind, 
 " And steer her right before the seas and wind. 
 " Starboard again 1"— the great Pill Garlick 
 
 cries : 
 *' Starboard it is !** the helmsman quick replits* 
 
234 LIFE OF 
 
 The difFVence now, I'll undertake to state, 
 Tween Chancellor and Pill is Tery great. 
 
 The Lord by too much haste, his axle burns, 
 And breaks 5 when lo ! his lordship's coach o'er* 
 
 turns. 
 Pill, from sheer absence, and amazement sad, 
 Upsets his vessel, which is just as bad ; 
 Yet here the diif'rence lies. — One breaks hia^ 
 
 bones ; 
 T'other, whole in skin, — sinks to Davy Jones. 
 
 It might now have been a matter of 
 serious dispute whether I or the elements 
 made most noise, or which would first 
 leave off scolding; but when time and 
 reason had reduced my flying senses to 
 some certain stand, 1 found that matter* 
 might yet torn out well, if I only directed 
 my attention to the management of my 
 vessel, instead of the Chancellor*s coach 
 '^ Send those cowardly rascals off the 
 deck directly, said 1 pointing to the fright- 
 ened prisoners before mentioned, down 
 with them ! down ! and secure them below 
 the hatches, while we take in our sails, and 
 rig another fore yard. — Give me the helm, 
 my lad, said I to the helmsman, I'll steer 
 while you work ; now my hearts, turn ta 
 
PILL GARLICK. 255 
 
 with a will, and if we don't weather out 
 
 the gale, bad as it is, why them, d n 
 
 my father's coachman, you may say I am 
 no sailor," Three days elapsed before the 
 gale abated, during which time our cask 
 of water diminished to a very alarming 
 degree: the first ship however^ that hap- 
 pened to heave in sight, we bore down 
 upon, and demanded a supply from her. 
 The captain of this ship, (which proved to 
 be Swedish, from Egypt bound to Stock- 
 holm) at first refused to grant my request, 
 but I took the liberty of informing him 
 in a very impressive tone, that I was Bri- 
 tish, at the same time parading two or 
 three men upon deck with muskets, and 
 taking great care that my cannon should 
 not pass unnoticed; but above all 1 en- 
 deavoured to direct his attention to my 
 fine red streaming pendant. Not having 
 any colours or flags on board, I was obliged 
 to manufacture a pendant in the following 
 manner. One of the prisoners possessed 
 a remarkably large red cotton handker- 
 chief, which I took the liberty of borrow- 
 ing; and having cut it up into shreds of 
 about four inches broad, I sewed the ends 
 
236 LIFE OF 
 
 logetber, and thus contrived a magnificent 
 pendant, which was forthwith hoisted at 
 the main-top-mast head to prove that my 
 ship was a man of V7ar. Here I shall take 
 leave to. remark that the term " man of 
 war" is, frequently misunderstood by ladies 
 and by landsmen, who suppose that no 
 ship can be a " man of war," which is 
 not a line of battle ship. I have heard 
 many who have visited frigates, exclaim, 
 " Good Lauck ! if a frigate is so wonder- 
 ful, what must a man of war be?" — " By 
 goles, I should like to go pa board a man 
 of war after this 1"— never once supposing 
 that a frigate is entitled to that martial 
 appellation. Be it known then, to all ye, 
 to whom these presents shall come. That 
 a King's ship, of whatsoever size she may 
 be; carrying guns, of whatsoever number 
 they may be ; commanded by a commis- 
 sioned officer, of whatsoever rank he may 
 be; is to all intents and purposes, entitled 
 to have and to hold that self-same iden. 
 tical and unequivocal appellation, with all 
 claim, right, title, and interest therein and 
 thereto ; ensigns, pendants, union-jacks, 
 fiags, and signals, of whatsoever quantity^ 
 
PILL GARLICK. 237 
 
 quality, or number they may be, thereto 
 belonging or in any wise appertaining ; 
 and every such King's ship as aforesaid, 
 is as much a man of war, and is entitled 
 to the aforesaid appellation, claim, right, 
 title, and interest, together with all ^nd 
 singular the above mentioned ensigns, pen- 
 dants, union.jacks, flags, and signals, in 
 as full and ample a manner as is any 
 of his Majesty's ships, (*' God bless the 
 Navy and the Princess Charlotte") carrying 
 120 guns, and commanded by H. R. H. 
 the Duke of Clarence (" God bless the Re- 
 gent and the Duke of York") any thing 
 in your numscull to the contrary notwith- 
 standing. 
 
 Now, the reason why I wished so parti- 
 cularly to draw the attention of the Swe« 
 dish captain to my " red streaming pen- 
 dant" was, because pendants are the ex- 
 clusive privilege of men of war, and if a 
 merchant ship hoists a pendant, a man of 
 war can oblige him to doase it; a piece 
 t)f etiquette which I have frequently seen 
 •enforced. 
 
238 LIFE OF 
 
 Exclusive honours sure the ships may claim, 
 Who gave Britannia such a glorious name ; 
 Who make the World this sacred Isle revere, 
 And e'en confess she floats without compeer. 
 Hence all exclaim whene'er the pendant's eyed> 
 •* These are the wooden walls ! these England's 
 pride !" 
 
 Having prevailed on the Swede to send 
 me a cask of water, 1 wished him a 
 prosperous voyage, and then shaped mjr 
 course for Malta; thinking I might as 
 well look for a needle in a bundle of straw, 
 (under existing circumstances) as to expect 
 to regain my station with the fleet. The 
 next morning about 7 o* clock, shortly 
 after I went to bed, (for I never trusted 
 the helm to any of the sailors during the 
 night, but always steered myself from sun- 
 set to sun-rise) one of the men came 
 thundering into my cabin. *^ By Hea- 
 vens, sir, we are all dead men!" — '^Mar- 
 tin," says I, '* what the Hell is the matter 
 nowT — *^ A French man of war brig, sir, 
 
 |g just " and away he ran. A hare 
 
 never leaped from her form with half such 
 nimbleness when she felt the hound's snout 
 at her scut, as Pill Garlick did from his 
 
FILL GARLICK. S39 
 
 <oicy hammock. — To clothe myself ne« 
 ▼er entered my thoughts; i thrust mjf 
 feet into my shoes, but even of these 
 I could only enjoy half the benefit, for 
 one of them deserted me in my flight up 
 the hatchway. — " A french man of war 
 
 trig, sir, is just '* is just going to 
 
 fire at us, was I suppose what Martin 
 meant to say, if he had had breath to finish 
 his hurried speech ; for bang, came a shot 
 from him the moment I arrived upon deck. 
 « That's no joke, lads," said I.—" Indeed 
 it is not, sir, and we must get out of the 
 way," said Martin, thinking no doubt, that 
 it would be better 
 
 '' To make an honourable retreat, 
 ** And wave a total sure defeat. 
 ** For those that fly may fight again, 
 ** Which he can never do that's slain." 
 
 « Martin," says I, " you are a clever 
 fellow, 
 
 ** For timely running's no mean part 
 
 ** Of conduct in the martial art ; 
 
 " 'Tis held the gallantest course, and bravest 
 
 ** In great exploits, as well as safest ; 
 
240 LIFE OF 
 
 *' That spares th' expense of time and pains, 
 ** And dangerous beating out of brains, 
 " And therefore I, with reason, chuse'* 
 To run away 
 
 " So now, my boys, clear away the sails, 
 shake the reefs out, and clap on all the 
 canvass we can spare, and let us have a 
 race for it before my command is lost ! f 
 These orders were soon executed ; we then 
 brought two guns to act as stern-chasers, 
 hoisted the red pendant, and gave shot for 
 shot. The Frenchman chased us for more 
 than seven hours, but we soon had the sa- 
 tisfaction to discover that we had the 
 superiority in sailing, and when I had 
 got to a prudent distance from his guns, 
 I shortened sail, under the cunning idea 
 of coaxing him after me, in hope 1 might 
 fall in with some of our cruisers; but this 
 did not take, for towards sun-set he gave 
 up the chace and tacked away from us, 
 *' Now boys,'* said I, " be sure to bear ia 
 mind that 
 
 " In all the trade of war, no feat 
 
 " Is nobler than a brave retreat, 
 
 ** And when the fight becomes a chase, 
 
 " Those win the day that win the race," 
 
PILLGARLICK. 24i 
 
 Thus in my shirt, with one shoe off, one on, 
 I fought, and run, and running laurels won! 
 In such a plight, who dares his skill display, 
 ! Is still victorious, though he runs away ! 
 Own then, (e'en naked) 'tis a truth you naust, 
 *' Thrice arm'd is he, that hath his quarrel just;" 
 
 The weather continued favourable for 
 some days, and 1 boked forward with con- 
 siderable pleasure to my speedy arrival in 
 the harbour of Malta. In order to sti- 
 mulate the diligence of my men, I pro- 
 mised to reward the first who should dis- 
 cover the Island with a bottle of black 
 strap; indeed (to do every justice to my 
 little jovial crew,) had my rev.^ard been 
 a dozen of sparkling champagne, instead 
 of a bottle of stUl black strap, they could 
 I not have strained their eye-balls with 
 greater anxiety in order to discover this 
 little island. At length, soon after day- 
 i light on Sunday morning, my attention 
 was attracted to the forecastle, in conse- 
 ( quence of a squabble between two of the 
 sailors. — '* D— n my eyes, if you did 
 
 J see it first,** said one.—'' D n my eyes 
 
 I if I did nt,** sard the other. — " See what,'» 
 I said I-—'* what the Devil is all this row 
 M 
 
242 XIFE OF 
 
 about T—*^ Why the land, sir," said both 
 of them together. — "The land!" said I, 
 standing on tiptoe.—'^ Yes, sir, / have 
 just discovered it on the lee bow," cried 
 both at the same moment as loud as they 
 could bawl. Hereupon I looked, and look- 
 ed, with no small degree of emotion, and 
 indeed plainly perceived the Island of 
 Maha on the lee bow. 
 
 ** My heart's in health, my spirits dance their 
 
 round, 
 *' And at my eye, pleasure looks out in smiles." 
 
 I could now easily conceive what the 
 feelings of Columbus must have been, on 
 his discovery of the New World, after an 
 adventurous and perilous voyage. — ** Come, 
 my fine fellows,** said I to the two who 
 were still warmly contesting each other's 
 right to the black strap, " no more diffi- 
 culty about the matter, for you shall have 
 a bottle each.*'—" Thank ye, sir, but TJl 
 
 l)e d d if / did not see the land first," 
 
 said both together. — ** Hush ! I say ! — No 
 more clack about it ; — ^ypu shall all be sa- 
 tisfied." — Our joy was general, and I 
 ielt so extremely pleased with my masterly 
 
PILL GARLICK. 143 
 
 inrnagement, by conducting the ship thus 
 neatly to the Island of Malta, under so 
 many little inconveniences, that I resolved 
 to take the bung out of the cask of black 
 strap, and let all hands have a swig upon 
 this joyful event. Every countenance 
 beamed with delight, and appeared desi- 
 rous (but were incapable) of expressing 
 themselves in adequate terms of gratitude 
 for the bounty, and admiration for the 
 talents of their Commander, whose gene- 
 rosity, skill, and dexterity, none could hold 
 a candle to. Down they squatted upon 
 the deck around the flowing cask of black 
 strap; ''Malta, my boys! Malta! Mal- 
 ta f* lesounded from every tongue. The 
 first toast " Success to Pill Garlick 
 lick and his saucy crew," was drank with 
 nine times nine, hip! hip! hip! and a 
 hoorra! the tumult was excessive. Martin 
 was then deputed to me in the name and 
 behalf of the whole ship's company, to 
 request that I would be pleased to drink 
 their health for luck/ and give a toast 
 for the honour of the ship. — " Martin/* 
 says I, *' the ship's company could not 
 bave fixed upon a diplomatic character 
 M 2 
 
m whom they could better place their 
 t?onfidence than yourself; you are an ex* 
 -cellent plenipotentiar}^, and it is not pos- 
 sible to fulfil the functions of one with 
 more credit; so here goes, first to all 
 3'our healths for luck ! — and now my toast 
 ^— 'May the topsails of Hope never be 
 furled by the hand' of Despair!'" This 
 was received with loud and repeated 
 cheers, which the copious drench of ev^ry 
 man proved to be honest and sincere. 
 Several other -toasts were drank with equ«il 
 t^emonstrations of joy, among which were 
 —-"Plenty of rope and a full swing to 
 the great Bonyparty" — '' The five h't, — 
 Life, Laughing, Liberty, Lasses, and 
 Love." — '^ That we may never die till we 
 fight a ghost, and Cketi have a bloody 
 liard action 1" — together with many others 
 equally warm and expressive. 
 
 Leaving the jovial ladt lo drain their 
 cask, I stepped below to the cabin to 
 decorate my person preparatory to my 
 appearance before the commanding officer 
 at Malta, for whom I was practising a 
 very eloquent speech of considerable 
 length, wherein I introduced with great 
 
PILL GARi:-rCK. S45 
 
 precision every occurrence from the first 
 trioment I was blasted from the fleet, to 
 the happy landfall of the Island of Malta* 
 I finished my toilette in the grand cabin 
 with tolerable dispatch, though not with 
 that haste in which the lads upon deck 
 had dispatched their business, binding 
 our approach to the Island rather rapid, 
 in consequence of a good fresh breeze, L 
 gave orders to prepare every thing for 
 bringing the ship, to an anchor before 
 nighty as the weather thretuened a very, 
 disagreeable change. L tl;en.vv«nt to work, 
 with uiy spy glass, and looked out for thek 
 mouth of the harbour long and longbefora 
 it was in sight. — I looked twenty times, 
 but not being able to discover it, I waited 
 patiently (I forget who it is that says, 
 *' La patience est at/iere, mai& son fruit est 
 
 doux ;* non pas toujours, mon cher^ 
 
 till the ship had shortened her distance,, 
 which at the rate of seven knots an hour 
 was soon done. I spied again and again; 
 perhaps ten thousand times over ; but no,. 
 — I could not discover the mouth of the 
 harbour of Malta. However, I was suffi- 
 ciently knowing to conjecture we were 
 
S46 LIT£ OF 
 
 possibly on the wrong side of the Island ; 
 I^ signified this to the sailors, who were 
 one and all knowing enough to conjecture 
 the same ; which induced me instantly to 
 *' haul up," and steer round to the oppo- 
 site side. We soon doubled the little 
 promontory which projected from the 
 Island, and in consequence of the breeze 
 which had now freshened considerably, 
 we were obliged to shorten sail, and al- 
 most despaired of coming to an anchor 
 before night. My spy glass was again 
 employed, till I had nearly cracked my 
 eye-strings, but with no more effect than 
 an hour before. 
 
 *' This is very extraordinary,** said I. 
 
 *' Mighty extraordinary, sir,** said Jack. 
 
 " Surely,** said 1, " we ought not only 
 to see the mouth of the harbour, at this 
 moment, but even the very ships at an- 
 chor.*' 
 
 To this one of my clever fellows replied, 
 with some degree of self-esteem, '* Oh, 
 sir, you know the war, sir, has just broke 
 out, sir, and may be the ships are all gone 
 to cruise.*' 
 
 ** Maj be so/* said 1^ so we'll stand oa 
 
PILL GARLICK.^ 247 
 
 a little longer." — We ran in close enough 
 to throw a biscuit on shore; but indeed, 
 long before we had approached so close, 
 we were all pretty well convinced that 
 the mouth of the harbour of Malta never 
 was, and in all probability, never would 
 be in this Island, which we had beea 
 sailing round from the first dawn of Auro- 
 ra, till the Sun had extinguished his candle 
 in the western horizon, and left us to 
 play at hide-and-go-seek in a dark stormy 
 night with the Island of Malta. 
 
 ** Some natural tears I dropp'd, but wipM them 
 soon," 
 
 because I was ashamed to expose my* 
 self, — but had it been in my possession, I 
 would have given all the sand on the 
 Gold coast to have unsluiced my over- 
 burthened heart and let it flow. Betaking 
 myself to my usual method of soliloquizing, 
 I thus began. 
 
 Ah ! what avails the song of rev*ling joy, 
 If one short moment can all mirth destroy ? 
 Or what avails those empty fleeting things. 
 The pow'r of Emp'rors, and the wealth of Kings 2 
 Lo ! even here a midshipman's command, 
 With all his glories, in a jiffy stand ! 
 
S48 LIFE OF 
 
 Past are those moments, when with glee we sur^, 
 And Malta's Isle resounded from each tongue ! 
 Kor song, nor pow'r, nor wealth can now avail, 
 This land to change, or shun the threat'ning gale. 
 Wind, waves, and famine bursting on my head, 
 Mock my vain toils, and weigh me to the dead. 
 
 Is this, O dire reverse! is this the land 
 
 "Where boon I hop'd to speak the speech I planned? 
 
 Where soon I hop'd lo ease my moider'd head, 
 
 And eke receive supply of wine and bread? 
 
 Such were the hopes which late beguiled my care, 
 
 Kot worth a fig, — nay, baseless as the air! 
 
 But Fortune seems me from her door to spurn, 
 
 And e'en denies the little bit I earn ! 
 
 Why did I leave those placid brighter streams 
 
 Of my own Liffy, or the silver Thames ! 
 
 Or quit those fields which mealy 'tatoes bore, "\ 
 
 And turf and buttermilk, — a plenteous store? — C 
 
 'Twas in the hope (vile discontent !) of more! j 
 
 Why did I listen to the Midy's strain, 
 
 Who talk'd of happiness upon the main ? 
 
 'Twas in the hope, — Q little idle fool ! 
 
 Of leaving Dr. Seuttlebreechum's school ! 
 
 Ah, woe is me ! since that eventful day 
 
 Has Fortune kick'd me like a ball at play. 
 
 May the dazzling Sun for ever shroud 
 
 That day his phiz within some dismal cloud! 
 
 And when the morn shall bring its dawning light, 
 
 May it he smothered in the pitch of Night ! 
 
I 
 
 PILL GARLICK. 249 
 
 Let never bird that cleaves the air with wing, 
 Except the owl, b« that day heard to sing ! 
 Nor whatsoever beast that bites the grass, 
 Attempt to frisk, unless it be the Ass 1 
 
 How do those words, my tender mother spake^ 
 With sad remorse full on my fancy break* ! 
 " Neddy," she said (one fine forenoon in May) 
 " Man's Meteor hi I pes hut flatter to betray; 
 *' Where'er you fly, Fate leads you by the band,. 
 " Storm sweeps the Ocean, Discord 6toi th« 
 
 Land. 
 " Your haste- from school can not reverse your 
 
 doom,. 
 ** Lifers various roads all centre in the tomb-ff 
 " Yet in th« Ocean you a grave may find, 
 " UiUimelier far than if you stay behind, 
 " WTiile Discord, though to some, it proves a 
 
 curse, 
 " Makes Lawyers live, and swella their amplei 
 
 purse*** 
 
 Tbus were my parentis boding fears expressed, 
 But all advice my rambling brain repressed ; 
 Oh ! had I listened to her wise alarms, 
 Then had I 'scaped these sad vexatious harms ! 
 
 • Un tot ptut Tfjlechir quelquefois, muis ce n'estJamaU 
 f u'aprci la sottiset 
 
 + Borrowed, 
 M 5 
 
£50 LIFE OF 
 
 Indeed I still might sooth my drooping soul, 
 If aught of stuff on board, to fill the bowl. 
 But neither black strap, brandy, gin, nor beer, 
 J^o not one drop remains my woes to cheer. 
 
 With pain I try to calm my bursting heart, 
 Which 'gamst my ribs, is throbbing to depart. 
 Fain down liiy cheek, the ready tear would flow, 
 Sigh echo sigh, responsive to my woe ! 
 But shame steps in, such sighs and tears to check, 
 Lest scorn should fall from those who walk the deck. 
 
 Ye schreeching sea-fowl hov'ring o'er the steepp 
 Witness my fears, and as you witness weep ! 
 Mourn all ye birds, and all ye rocks deplore 
 I'he fatal moment we descried the shore. 
 Indeed methinks that e'en the very land 
 Droops a bleak mourner, barren anJ unmanned* 
 (Well may a poet grief to all impart, 
 If he himself the rnisVy feels at heart.) 
 
 When from the fleet, on that dark stormy day, 
 By rough North winds, his bark was blown away. 
 Pill Garlick's skill, the shatter'd vessel bore, 
 Through the rude surges to this ruder shore,| 
 Else had we sunk unheeded in the wave, 
 And all had found one common wat'ry grave ! 
 Thunder and smoke ! — and did the pitying storm, 
 Spare but to make us harder deeds perform ? 
 Behold ! worn-out, and starved to death, all say, 
 " Bad luck to Pill for leading us astray T* 
 
PILL GARLICK, 251 
 
 So great their rage to find it was not Malta, 
 Tliey fain had brought the vessel to a halt a-*" 
 mongst rocks and sands upon the barren shore, 
 llather than trust to such a Looby more ! 
 At length the storm of disappointment past, 
 (Tho' still their sullen brows were over-cast,) 
 We tacked the vessel from the luckless strand. 
 In hopes 'ere long to make the wished for land. 
 
 Fortune, cried I, great Arbitress of Fate ! 
 Inconstant mistress of the human state ! 
 (Who sometimes stands upon a golden ball, 
 Which when she rolls can roll the world witlial ? 
 And sometimes stands upon a tott'ring wheel, 
 Whose weight Napoleon now begins to feel, 
 To day can raise that tyrant to a crown, 
 Kick him the next with all his glories down ;) 
 To whom all sway, all power, all Empires bow, 
 For once smile on me, and befriend me now. 
 
 Fortuna heard ! the wanton faithless jade 
 Repenting of the slipp'ry trick she'd played, 
 Once more encouraged poor desponding Pill, 
 To seize the helm, and try his utmost skill. 
 
 ■» I have somewhere been informed that 
 
 ** Affected stops or emphasis combine 
 
 ** To mar the sense and measure of the line*** 
 
 But that's all loy eye and fietty Martin ! 
 
25^ LIFE OF 
 
 The poor sailors were not less perplexed 
 than myself; in their late country dancing 
 countenances, flushed with wine, you could 
 now, without the assistance of my spy^glass, 
 read every note of the dead march in Saul ; 
 so strongly vere the marks of disappoint- 
 ment depicted therein ! 1 had always been 
 of opinion, that *' where nothing is at- 
 tempted, nothing can be done;'* however, 
 my situation in this instance presented an 
 egregious exception to that rule, for if 
 nothing were attempted, something most 
 assuredly would be done ; tlie ship having 
 for a considerable space of time the w^ide 
 Wodd all before her, and Providence her 
 guide; she might have run out to sea, where 
 we should all have been starved, or might 
 have drifted upon Scylla or Charybdis, 
 (which were not a great many leagues off,) 
 and be dashed to atoms on the one, or swal- 
 lowed up piece-meal by the other. Torpid 
 despondency, I have before observed, is the 
 frost of the soul, which freezes all its pow- 
 ers, and congeals life in perpetual sterility; 
 I therefore resolved not to fall a victim of 
 this torpor, and instantly ran to consult the 
 old Italian Atlas with a most scrutinizing 
 
PILL OARLICK. 263 
 
 eye, comparing at the same time jill my 
 mathematical and astronomical observa- 
 tions from the first day I entered upon my 
 luckless, disastrous, perplexing, heart-break- 
 ing, crest-fallen command, to the first hour 
 I saw the supposed island of Malta. When 
 I had in some slight degree composed my 
 senses, and considered the latitude I was 
 in, I concluded that 1 had run out of my 
 course either too far to the northward, or 
 to the southward, or to the eastwarcl, or 
 to the westward. In cases of doubt and 
 difficulty i hold it wise to consult even the 
 commonest opinions, ** inUrdum vulgus rec 
 tum,videty I therefore submitted the con- 
 clusion I had drawn to my right trusty and 
 Tvell-beloved Martin, who likewise consi- 
 dered the case very deliberately, and would 
 not venture an opinion until he had first 
 consulted bis shipmates, and had taken the 
 pains to draw several A's and B*s, and one 
 or two right-lines, with a piece of chalk on 
 the lid of the arm-chest, in order to elu- 
 cidate his supposition, and place his con- 
 jecture beyond a doubt. He then told me 
 that his conclusion coincided to a T with 
 mine; viz. that we had run either too far 
 
254 i-iFfi OF 
 
 to the northward, or to the southward, or 
 to the eastward, or to the westward ; and 
 that we had now nothing more to do thaa 
 to steer the right course to make the true 
 and original island of Malta. Having 
 brought our minds to this steady, rational 
 kind of reasoning, we soon ascertained that 
 the treacherous island was none other than 
 that of Lampedosa ; almost, though not quite 
 
 " An island salt and bare, 
 " The haunt of seals, and. gulls, and sea-mew's 
 clang.** 
 
 Having now found our latitude and lon- 
 gitude, and that of the island of Malta be- 
 ing laid down in the old map, we with 
 these given points, according to the rules 
 of Mercator's Sailing, proceeded to work 
 the following canon : 
 
 First, to find the course ; — hem ! 
 : M. X lat. : rad. : : X long, : tangt. of the 
 cou. ■ 
 
 Having thus found our true course, we 
 next worked the distance : 
 
 : co-sine*cou. : true x lat. ; : rad. : dist»— 
 
?ILL GAELICK. S55 
 
 '' They who are really skilful in the 
 principles of science,** says a friend of 
 mine, " will acquire the veneration only 
 of shallow minds by talking scientifically ; 
 the ostentation of learning being always 
 disgusting in the intercourse of society ; 
 for even the benefit of instruction received 
 cannot allay the consciousness of inferiori* 
 ty, and remarkable parts more frequentltf 
 attract admiration than procure esteem I** 
 Now ladies, if the display of my remark- 
 able parts should not have " procured your 
 esteem,** it will certainly be a matter of 
 deep regret ; but Heaven knows if [ should 
 have lived to have thus displayed them 
 had [ not found out my true course to, and 
 distance from, the island of Malta, by a 
 canon according to the rules of Mercator's 
 Sailing. Indeed the best proof I can give 
 you of the charming result, is, that I made 
 the island of Malta (the real and indubi- 
 table island of Malta) before the next day's 
 noon ! On its discovery I could not for* 
 bear exclaiming, 
 
 " Ha ! it dawns ! 
 ^ It rises to me like a newfound world^ 
 
256 LIFE OF 
 
 " To mariners long time distressed at sea, 
 
 " Sore from a storm, and all their viands spent P^ 
 
 Guess our feelings if you have a mind, for I 
 am sure I can*t write them. Our little vessel, 
 as if capering for joy ! now ploughs the 
 bosom of the flood — now sweeps along the 
 azure forehead of the liquid plaia! and as 
 for me — child of indulgent Fortune ! Oh ! 
 ^^PPy> ^^PPy^ three times three are nine 
 times happy Pill ! — happy enough to pity 
 Caesar ! and happier far than Jason when 
 he brought the golden fleece from Colchis! 
 Obi methought I was the very button on 
 Fortune's cap ! A star moving in tihe orb 
 of happiness ! I walked fore, and aft, ?,ad 
 athwart the ship's deck, with so light and 
 hurried a step that it seemed to give way 
 beneath my feet-^a dizzy mist swam- before 
 my eyes — I saw nothing — I heard nothing 
 — in short 1 imagined I was bathing and 
 swimming in felicity, when lo! in the 
 twinkling of a bed-post, souse ! I went 
 overboard, and was instantaneously sub- 
 merged to many fathoms of profundity! 
 The sailors. called out a little too late, '^ ho ! 
 mind yourself, Sir!" and I was a little too. 
 
PILL GARLICK. 357 
 
 deeply entranced to pay attention to their 
 caution, which was to make me take heed 
 of the gangway they had just opened 
 and cleared away, in order to receive a pi- 
 lot^ who was approaching in his hoat. In- 
 deed the real cause of the above catastro* 
 phe was, that the ship was by half too 
 small to contain my swelling joys ! 
 -^flt Presence of mind, (observes Doctor 
 Sam"^) in constitutions not naturally timid, 
 is generally in proportion to the eminence 
 of the peril ; having never learned to move 
 through the water in horizontal progres- 
 sion, had I desponded I had perished ; but 
 being for a moment raised above the briny 
 element by my struggles, or by some fe- 
 licitous casualty, I was sensible of the 
 danger, and instantly embraced the means 
 of extrication ; several ropes at the mo- 
 ment of my lapse had been thrown over. 
 
 • Vide some hook or other, where a tour of Doctor 
 JohnsoD's is pleasantly related, and in which a similar ac* 
 cident occurred to that i^reat man, while he was admiring 
 the ramifications of gome umbelliferous plants, that hung 
 over the margin of the Liffy, the fallacious bank of \*fcich, 
 imperceptibly corroded by the moiet tooth of the flood, 
 gave way beneath his feet< . I leave you to guesB 
 
 what became of the Doctor. 
 
258 LIFE OF 
 
 within the distance of a protruded arm, 
 one of which I seized hold of, and by its 
 means Was safely dragged on board, not 
 without some delectation from the sense 
 of progress, without effort on my part, and 
 the exi.ilarating approximation of more 
 than problematical deliverance. The sai- 
 lors at first forbore to acerbitate the un* 
 couthness of my embarassment by the 
 insults of derision; shrieks of condolence 
 testified sorrow for my submersion ; and 
 safety was made more pleasant by the fe- 
 licitations of sympathy ; when the danger 
 was over, however, I took no umbrage at 
 a little risibility excited by the feculency 
 of my visage, upon which a something that 
 was floating past the ship had attached 
 itself in a very ludicrous manner. The 
 cutaneous contact of irrigated garments 
 is neither comfortable nor salubrious ; I 
 therefore soon divested myself of mine, 
 and resuming my office upon deck, en- 
 deavoured to circumscribe my joys within 
 the limits of moderation until the vessel 
 was safely secured at her anchors. 
 
 As we steered with a flowing sheet into 
 the harbour, my ears were saluted with the 
 
PILL GARLICK. f5J^ 
 
 joyful sound of all the bells in the cathedrals 
 and churches; they were ringing, I suppose^ 
 in honour of some Saint's birtli-day ; yet their 
 chimes responding to the gladness of my 
 tinkling heart, seemed to welcome the safe 
 arrival of Pill Garlick and his crew. 
 
 At length the casting of the anchor put 
 an end to all our toils, and T, lest my well- 
 prepared speech should evaporate in my 
 delighted brain, hastened to the shore, and 
 raa with more than a lover's speed to the 
 commanding officer, where I arrived so 
 completely exhausted for want of breath, 
 that 1 found it impossible to deliver even 
 one half of it in any sort of intelligible 
 terms. I totally forgot the advice of the 
 vieux philosophe de Ferney, " // 7ie fdu% 
 point $e hater quand on veut bUnJaire" 
 
ARGUMENT. 
 
 Pill Garlick sails to rejoin the Narcissus. — A perverse 
 mistake — Compliments pass. — Pill losf s his nice little 
 dirk, — Surrenders prisoner of war. — Blackstone s Com- 
 mentaries, — Shabby treatment. — A portrait.— A sweet, 
 little cherub. — Articles of agreement — Pill Garlick 
 talks French —A noble record of French hospitality.— 
 A scene of pit>' —Verdun. — Pill Garlick fancies him- 
 self a man of fashion — Erin gobragh! — Pill sings. aOs 
 ejicellent song — Fancies himself a man of the world.— 
 Talks latin.— Refers his readers to another book for* 
 description of villany, — Concludes with a promise ua^ 
 der certain conditions. 
 
S6I 
 
 CHAPTER VIIL 
 
 ^* Ay me I what perils do environ 
 
 ** The man that meddles u ith cold iron! 
 
 ** What plaguy mischiefs and mishaps, 
 
 «* To dog him still with after-claps ! 
 
 ** For though dame Fortune seem to smile, 
 
 ** And leer upon him for a while, 
 
 *• She'll after shew him, in the nick 
 
 *' Of all his glories, a dog-trick." 
 
 I had not been many days at Malta, be« 
 fore I had the pleasure of seeing a very 
 fine vessel arrive with British colours fly- 
 ing triumphantly over the French ; it 
 I proved to be that identical man of war 
 brig which occasioned Martin and ni€ 
 . such serious alarm, and from whose guns, 
 j by dint of dexterity and prudence, we had 
 BO neatly escaped* 
 
SSS LIFE OF 
 
 A sailor only sometimes finds himself 
 tired of the sea, but always finds himself 
 tired of the shore, when obliged to remaia 
 there any length of time against his will. 
 Ten days stay at Malta was quite suffix 
 cient to satisfy me in every particular, and 
 wishing myself safe on board the Narcis- 
 sus, I applied for a passage in the first 
 ship bound to the fleet off Toulon, from 
 whence, it is without doubt remember- 
 ed, 1 was blown away in such a violent 
 hurry. A man of war schooner was or- 
 dered to convoy a large ship deeply laden 
 with water to the fleet, for so closely was 
 the harbour of Toulon blockaded, that our 
 ships were obliged to be provided with 
 necessaries from time to time by other 
 vessels appointed for that purpose. On 
 board this schooner 1 embarked, with my 
 usual satisfaction on agreeable events, and 
 sailed the first fair breeze, but we were 
 afterwards baffled about in calms and va- 
 riable winds for near six weeks before we 
 made the french coast ; and there we dodged 
 oflf and on, three or four days without 
 seeing a single ship. At last one fine clear 
 morning at sunrise we heard the joyful 
 
PILL GARLICK. JflS 
 
 sound from the man at the mast head, 
 "The fleet! the fleet! two points on the 
 weather bow !]" Every spy glass in the 
 schooner was instantly engaged and di- 
 rected two points on the weather bow ! 
 Many discovered their different ships 
 the first glance! (for be it known, that 
 there were several passengers on board, 
 like myself, about to rejoin their respective 
 ships.) I was not quite sure, but I thought 
 I discovered the Narcissus under easy sail 
 among the rest, so I stepped down he\ovr 
 to prepare my bag and baggage, and or- 
 dered my men to prepare their's, but in- 
 deed that was unnecessary, for they had 
 every thing ready upon deck to pop into 
 the first boat that should come from the 
 Narcissus. The eye of a sailor is seldom 
 deceived in distinguishing a British ship 
 from a foreign one, and as we approached 
 this newly discovered fleet, it raised the 
 suspicions of every man in the ship, except 
 the commander;— but hush! de mortuis nil 
 nisi bonum — However he could not per- 
 suade himself that a French squadron 
 would have the fool-hardy audacity to ven- 
 ture out of their harbour, whilst a British 
 
€64 tlVE OF 
 
 one was cruising in its vicinity, he there*- 
 fore stood on, and on, till at length up 
 went the Gallic flag, accompanied with a 
 harsh sort of a compliment, signifying in 
 plain English, " how are ye now, my lads T 
 to which we answered, " pretty miserable, 
 thank ye/' and doused our colours. This 
 however, did not prevent the cowardly 
 rascals from continuing their fire; every 
 ship of the squadron, consisting of three 
 or four fine frigates, and as many cor- 
 vettes, banged their broadside at us as 
 they passed under full sail, in a sort of 
 scramble to see which should first get 
 possession of the ship we had under our 
 convoy : nothitrg but our closeness saved 
 us from being sent to glory, for we were 
 not more than a pistol shot from the 
 farthest, so that their shot passing over, 
 only cut up our rigging, without in- 
 juring the hull. It was a delightful con- 
 solation to us when we saw the enraged 
 disappointment of those heroes, after they 
 had got on board the ship whose deep 
 lading had led them to imagine that no- 
 thing short of the treasures of both Indies 
 were concealed in her bottom; Every cask 
 
PILL GARLICK. 265 
 
 on board had its bung knocked out in a 
 trice, and a Frenchman's nose poked ia 
 at the bung-hole I If you have seen as 
 many French phizzes as I have in a sulky 
 mood, you may easily fancy their distor- 
 tions on this occasion, the shrugs of their 
 shoulders, and the contraction of the mus- 
 cles of their noses as they withdrew them 
 from the bung-holes of the water casks, 
 
 exclaiining, •* jF re! de I* cau! Sacrc 
 
 num dc Dieu t cc n at que de f eau ! Ak 
 
 B rer 
 
 When their undaunted courage was 
 perfectly satisfied by blazing at us, and 
 when the acute pangs of disappointment 
 were somewhat allayed, we were boarded 
 by an officer from the Commodore's ship, 
 who pocketed all our dirks on the quarter 
 deck, where we had ranged ourselves with 
 great formaUty in order to resign them 
 according to the honours of war. The 
 shivering fright and apprehension of these 
 Braggadocios, lest the British squadron 
 should heave in sight, caused us to be 
 bundled into a boat in a jiffy; though not 
 bag and baggage, for they did not allow 
 us to take even a second shirt. We were 
 
 N 
 
265 tlFE OF 
 
 sent on board the Corneille of 44 gutts> 
 and though by no means harshly treated> 
 yet we were very closely guarded, as they 
 had some reason to suspect we had it in 
 contemplation to rise and lake the ship, if 
 they ventured to any reasonable distance 
 from the protection of their batteries, 
 which they were too cautious to do, and 
 therefore^ without any remarkable incident, 
 we were all landed upon a small island in 
 the the harbour of Toulon, where we per- 
 formed a sequestration, (commonly called 
 quarantine) of eighteen days. The boat 
 in which our unfortunate commander was 
 going to this island, upset in a heavy 
 squall> and we never saw more of him till 
 three days afterwards, when his body was 
 fished for and hauled up ; his watch and 
 most of his valuables, the French officers 
 shared amongst themselves, but all such 
 articles as did not suit their taste, we were 
 permitted to seize upon. The reader may 
 perhaps smile and hum " Merrily dance 
 the quaker*s wife,'* when he learns that 
 upon an honest partition of those effects 
 of our late Commander, which the French 
 officers generously spared us, the first and 
 
PILL OARLICK. t6T 
 
 third volumes of Blackstone's Commenta* 
 ries fell to my lot. 
 
 When our quarantine expired, we re- 
 ceived orders to march for Toulouse, 
 at that time one of the depots for pri- 
 s.oners of war ; before we set out, we 
 were drawn up in the large square at 
 Toulon, and each presented witli nine 
 sous, and a loaf of black ammunition bread 
 for three days support; at the end of which 
 time we were to be furnished with a simi- 
 lar supply. This we considered but sorry 
 treatment compared with the manner in 
 which French officers are treated in Rng-. 
 land; however we commenced our march 
 under a strong escort, without much grum- 
 bling, as we had every reason to expect 
 that our captivity would not be of long 
 duration ; but the unprecedented conduct 
 of the Little Corsican in refusing to ex- 
 change prisoners, soon clouded this cheer* 
 ing hope. 
 
 Our first day's journey was something 
 more than four leagues, three of which 
 we laboured over with good heart, as the 
 way led through extensive vineyards, 
 whose delightful scenery was quite new 
 N 2 
 
S6B iiFE or 
 
 -to tis, and whose luxurious juicy clusters 
 \ve browsed upon most immoderately. 
 
 The thin long-quartered pumps of sai- 
 lors, •• ith their fine ornamental bows, un- 
 accustomed to any severer travelling than 
 from the cockpit to the quarter deck^ and 
 from the quarter deck to the cockpit, with 
 a few occasional trips to the topmast head, 
 soon yielded to the rough flinty roads in 
 the South of France ; so that we did not 
 complete our march till many hours after 
 the time it might have been performed in 
 l?y abler and better equipped pedestrians; 
 yet fatigued and oppressed as we were with 
 the sultry heat of an August sun, we re- 
 gretted the conclusion of our journey; for 
 instead of being permitted, as we expected, 
 to go to some sort of decent house, we 
 were obliiJ:ed to stand at the entrance of 
 a dark, filthy hovel, till the key that se- 
 cured a herd of swine was found, when 
 the Pork was driven out grunting, and we 
 British Tars driven in growlitig. We en- 
 deavoured to remonstrate against such 
 barbarous usage, but our sea rhetoric with 
 all our signs, were unable to move com pas* 
 sion; as to f reach, 1 was the only one 
 
PILL GARLICK. ^69 
 
 of the party (thanks I hearty thanks! to 
 Miss Vilkina' finger, clad in armour) wbo 
 knew three words o£ it: and though my 
 knowledge of that entertaining tongue fre- 
 quently made me pass for a ^* gai^on bienpO' 
 lir it conld not succeed in this instance, for 
 '* bon jour, monsieur ; comment voits portet 
 V0U5 f par/ez vous frau^ois T* was llie ne 
 plus ultra of what my treacherous memory 
 had retained; but notwithstanding, there 
 were very few paragraphs in a, newspaper 
 that I could not make out in the course 
 of time, with the help of a Boycr's* 
 
 This filthy hole (for I ca» call it no- 
 thing else) was in reality a prison, and was 
 hung round with chains and bolts for secu- 
 ring the refractory conscripts, (cVs/ a dire, 
 les VoLONT AIRES de Varmie franfaise!) 
 but the gaoler converted it occasionally into 
 his pig-sty. The only place admitting 
 either light or air was a single round hole 
 in the door; you may therefore imagine 
 if our habitation was adapted to the seasoa 
 of the year, and it can scarcely be a sub- 
 ject of wonder or reproach, if some few- 
 expressions of revenge should have burst 
 from our swelling and indignant breasts ;-i» 
 
*Z70 LIFE OF 
 
 but when the immoderate quantity of 
 grapes we had eaten began to inculcate a 
 desire to withdraw, and induced us to ask 
 that favour of the gaoler, judge what must 
 have been the feelings of Englishmen when 
 he made his appearance with half a do- 
 zen charge-bayonetted sentries, and admit- 
 ted an old haggard woman, 
 
 " Oh ! sight of terror, 
 ** Foul and ugly to behold ! horrid to think 1" 
 
 who placed a large wooden tub in the mid- 
 dle of our cell, saying, *' voila, a present 
 Jaites ce que vous voudrezT then retiring 
 and clashing the iron door after her, left 
 us in a mood- not easy to describe, or 
 easily* to be conceived. The old Dowdy, 
 (like a winter's apple, shrunk up together 
 and half rotten,) she, even she, would 
 have blushed, if through the dirt that 
 encrusted her visage she had been able. 
 It must have been such a goggle-eyed, 
 sparrow-mouthed, gubber-toothed, nasty- 
 nosed, lave-eared, gouty legged, tanned- 
 skinned old Witch as her, that infected 
 
PILL GARLICK. 271 
 
 the Poet's brain who drew the following. 
 portrait. 
 
 " Come and behold the Queen of Drabs, 
 Whose head is periwig'd with scabs ; 
 Whose hair hangs down in curious flakes^ 
 All cuil'd and crisp'd like crawling snakes^ 
 Whose dainty twinings doth entice 
 The whole monopoly of lice. 
 Her forehead next is to be found, 
 Resembling much the newplough'd ground;. 
 Furrowed like stairs, whose windings lead 
 Unto the chimney of her head. 
 The next sight that my Muse descries^ 
 Are the two mill-pits of her eyes ; 
 Mill-pits whose depth no plumb can sound^ 
 For there are both ber eye-balls drowa*d ;, 
 On either side there hangs a souse. 
 An ear I mean, keeps open house ; 
 But surely danger there is bred, 
 Which makes them hang so from her head;. 
 But hang her ears ! the xMuse now seeks 
 Retreat in her two, hollow cheeks. 
 Upon her cheeks I'd longer stay. 
 But that her nose calls me away ; 
 Her nose that once was long and fat, 
 An Indian, ruby nose, now tlat. 
 Help, Muses, since 1 have begun, 
 Aodaa her opse, my verse let run ;. 
 
272 LIFE OF 
 
 Help, Furiesj you that never flatter j 
 I know her nose affordeth matter ; 
 For on her nose there hangs, I wot, 
 A curious pearl of crystal s— 
 As purely white as whitest rose ; 
 A dainty gem for such a nose. 
 Quick from her nose, the Muse now skips, 
 Intending to salute her lips ; 
 Although I fear her lips are such 
 'Tis almost pain of death to touch ; 
 (I wish the Devil so much bliss, 
 Them daily he was damn'd to kiss !) 
 But where shall I find words uncouth, 
 To give description of her mouth ? 
 ^Vhose wryness with a certain grace, ' 
 tSets off the beauty of her face : 
 Whose dreary gaping might affright 
 The lustful Incubus of night, 
 And all young men might be afraid 
 Hereafter to come near a maid. 
 In curious posture out is hung 
 , The spongy fly-flap of her tongue. 
 As if that Nature did contrive 
 To hang her whilst she was alive. 
 Her teeth are fixed, like eagles' claws. 
 Upon the ruins of her jaws, 
 AVhich there are placed like pike-men tail. 
 Something inclining to their fall ; 
 Whose ripen'd age hath made so mellow^ 
 That finest gold is not so yellow. 
 
PILL GARLICK. 275 
 
 Her chin a little lower stands, 
 Much like the Cape of Bon 'sperance ! 
 Which kindly Nature fashion'd so, 
 To point her way as she doth go. 
 Her neck is next which might have beeni 
 A fit supporter for her chin ; 
 Had it not shrunk into her back, 
 And there resembles pedlar's piick." 
 
 Thus was this old harridan made up oC 
 Nature's worst deformities ; well might she^ 
 be called Nature's Errata ! 
 
 To detail our treatment on every day'* 
 march, would be only to repeat, thouglv 
 perhaps with: addition, the miseries of 
 the first. When we arrived at Nismes, so 
 completely were we worn out with fa- 
 tigue, and the excruciatiug torture of 
 blistered feet,, that we found ourselves 
 obliged to petition the French^ Coramanii 
 dant for permission to remain a day or 
 two, in order to recruit our almost e.^ 
 bausted strength. This petition was^ 
 granted in consequence of the support it 
 received from some Engli&k familif?s wh» 
 had repaired to Nismes for tbeic health 
 or other business, and had not yet been, 
 disturbed by the decrees of the TyraiiU. 
 a 5 
 
274 IIFE OF 
 
 Our countrymen soon discovered our 
 wretched situation, and relieved us by a 
 plentiful meal, and a purse containing 
 twenty French crowns; our spirits at 
 this event, which we never suffered to- 
 tally to .desert us, were elevated to the 
 zenith of gaiety; we called for a swinging 
 bowl of Grog (French brandy) and sung 
 in full chorus, 
 
 ** There's a sweet little cherub sits perch*d up 
 
 aloft, 
 (( To look out for the life of poor Jack !" 
 
 We resumed our march for Toulouse 
 with light hearts and very thin shoes, 
 but from custom we could now stagger 
 over the day's journey without any great 
 inconvenience, except what we experi- 
 enced from the brutality of our escort, and 
 from the heat of the Sun, which was ex- 
 tremely oppressive. 
 
 Like true sailors, we had imagined that 
 there could be no end to the sum of money 
 we had received through British generosity 
 at Nismes, and therefore determined to 
 live like Fighting Cocks for the rest of our 
 journey. The moment our safeguard 
 
PILL GARLIGK. 27^^ 
 
 heard the jingling of cash, they unfixed 
 tayonets, and changed their tone from 
 the most abusive insolence into its opposite 
 extreme, that of ilimy parasitical wheed- 
 ling ; they conducted us to *' the best ho- 
 tel," in every town through which we 
 passed, and which ihey always boasted 
 (as the Chevalier de Grammont informs 
 us his hotel had been the night he was 
 dupe au jeu) *^ comme le lieu de la tille oH 
 Vonfasoit la chire la plus delicate., et oit l*on 
 trouvoit la meilleure compagnie** The land- 
 lords of these '' best hotels' were always 
 old friends of some of our> escort, and we 
 always found them, as the Chevalier found 
 his landlord, ^* Francois de nation, empoi- 
 sonneur de profession, et vol eur par habitude J* 
 The exorbitant charges of these voleurs sooQ 
 cased us of our cash, and to our great as- 
 tonishment we found only three livres and 
 a few sous in our purse on the evening of 
 the fourth day, a circumstance which of 
 course occasioned our safe-guard to refix 
 bayonets, and resume their former tone, 
 while we trudged on under all the oppro- 
 
£76 I-IFE OP 
 
 brious insult ever attendant on poverty and 
 
 distress !* 
 
 ** But even in troubles don't believe us so soft 
 
 As with grief to be taken aback, 
 That same little cherub that sits up aloft, 
 
 Willlook out for the life of poor Jack T 
 
 With these never^d^itig sentlmetits we all 
 arrived alive at Toulouse^ where we ima- 
 gined the French Government intended to 
 strip us of onr uniforms^ to shave our heads, 
 and cloath us in sack-cloth ; for we were 
 all shut up in the solitary cell of what once 
 had been a Friar's Convent. Soon, how- 
 ever, we were relieved from these Monasti/-,' 
 cal apprehensions by the appearance of 
 an officer with sharp-toed shoes and blue 
 silk stockings, who suffered us to emerge 
 from our retirement, and. range at large 
 upon our parole of honour witliin the pre- 
 cincts of the town ; which we adhered ta 
 with a more rigid devotion perhaps, than if 
 
 * " Wealth is the magnet which attracts us all, 
 And be our virtues brighter than thcsun-. 
 Be we possess'd of angel's excellence, 
 If fortune leaves us, oot a friend remains r* 
 
PILL GARLICK. '577 
 
 we had turned friars and vowed never to eat 
 beef of a Fridaj?. We remaiaed upwards of 
 three months at Toulouse, where I confess 
 1 spent a very happy life ; for so cheap was 
 every thing, and so rapidly did I'' fly kites" 
 upon my friends in England, that I was 
 actually wallowing in wealth. My lodging, 
 a most comfortable one (barring the bugs) 
 up two pair front, cost me but 75. 6d, per 
 month. Being considered in the military 
 line, [ had the privilege of subscribing to 
 the theatre according to my rank*; an ex- 
 pence, which may have ainounted to some 
 ten sous nightly; on benefit nights, how- 
 ever, thin privilege is forfeited, and no 
 military character can then insinuate him-^ 
 self into the playhouse under half price. 
 
 We formed a mess at a decent Auberge, 
 and paid the Aubergiste daily thirty sous 
 a head, under the following eight articles 
 of agreement :. 
 
 *' Article 1. The Mess to have a cleaa 
 table cloth every Sunday and Thursday in 
 the week. 
 
 » The military in France have the privilege of subscribe 
 Ing to the places of public amuaement, and pay accojrding 
 ta their ruak». 
 
213 LIFE OF 
 
 Article 2. Every Member of the Mess 
 lo be provided with a clean napkin on 
 every clean cloth day, as specified in Ar- 
 ticle 1. 
 
 Article 3. Every Member to have a pri- 
 Tate mark in order to distinguish his nap- 
 kin from any of his Messmate's, 
 
 Article 4. No Member (under penalty 
 of a bottle of wine, not exceeding six sous) 
 to blow his n6se in his napkin, except on 
 Wednesdays and Saturdays, nor on those 
 days 'till after dinner. 
 
 Article 5. A roll of v/holesome bread to 
 be placed at each Member's plate, and a. 
 bottle of vin du pays between every two. 
 
 Article 6. A copious soup au choux, and 
 an abundant dish of bouilli to be the daily 
 first course. 
 
 Article 7. The soup, to be removed, and 
 a roast of some sort to replace it. 
 
 Article 8. The bouilli to be removed, and 
 replaced by something or other. 
 
 All and every of which articles are agreed 
 to on the part of the Aubergiste, who to 
 avoid litigation binds himself to replace 
 the bouilli with a plentiful sallad.'* 
 
 Under the above contract, we ale hear* 
 
PILL GARLICK. f79 
 
 lily, emptied the bottle between two^ 
 never cut the napkins, or never had 
 occasion to enforce the penally specified ia 
 article four. One day, however, the Au- 
 bergiste made his appearance with three 
 bows at the door of our mess-room, and 
 five others before he reached the middle 
 of the room, where he made two with great 
 respect to the President, and then com- 
 menced with — 
 
 " Demande pardon a Monsieur de la /i- 
 berie grande. — Je crains queje vous derange. 
 — Jc suis facht Monsieur milord, et vous 
 Messieurs milords (with a low bow) si je 
 vous interrompe, Daignez m^ecoutez un petit 
 instant, si vous voulez bien.-^Tai viaiment 
 honte de paroUre devant vous Messieurs mi- 
 lords, (with a low bow) mais en vhite, si 
 vous aurez la complaisance de me faire le 
 plaisir dc' • " 
 
 " What the hell sort of a lingo do ye 
 call that there? turn him out!" said one 
 of the members of the mess rather impa- 
 tiently; but he was instantly called to 
 order by the President, who informed the 
 whole table that the Aubergiste was speak- 
 ing French. The Aubergiste then com- 
 xnenced his bows ail over agaio^ and re« 
 
280 LIFE o^ 
 
 peated his compliments and apprehensions 
 of having intruded upon us, and a long 
 story into the bargain, of which we could 
 not understand one word, except " viande;* 
 this word was repeated so often, and with 
 such emphasis, that it was impossible not 
 to take notice af it- Two or three of us 
 knew very well that " viande* was the 
 French for " meat," but we could taste 
 nothing more of his conversation than this 
 plain " viande,** After those few perplex- 
 ing moments of silence which are common- 
 ly passed by people endeavouring to dis* 
 cover in the countenances of each other 
 the enigma they do not comprehend, I 
 stood up and expressed it as my opinion, 
 "that the conduct of the Aubergiste was 
 extremely polite, and that there was evir 
 dently something in the wind, which, if it 
 met the approbation of the mess, 1 would 
 take upon me to arrive at, and give a more 
 genera) explanation than the simple word 
 * viande* appeared to convey." In an iur 
 stant I was knocked down unanimously as 
 the interpreter of the mess ; so I stepped 
 over the stool, and approached the Auberf» 
 giste with my napkia in one hand and. mj 
 
TILL GARLICK. 281 
 
 knife in the other. " Hem!" (wiped my 
 mouth, and then said hem again) 
 
 '* Ok 77ionsieur! comment vous portez 
 vousf 
 
 *' Bien oblige monsieur, et vous. Ah ' 
 nionaieur, vous parlez Francois fort bien,** 
 
 ** Hem ! Qui monsieur ; a fa monsieur, 
 vous avez dis something about viande^ 
 viande ; eh ! what does cela signify ?" 
 
 " Monsieur! (says the Aubergiste, ra- 
 ther stupidly) 
 
 " Je dis vous parlex cook-^hoes about ri* 
 ande/viandeJ* 
 
 The Aubergiste placed the tip of hia 
 fore-finger immediately on the center of 
 his globe of wonder, and said, 
 
 " Ma foi monsieur milord, je nai pas 
 Vhonneur de vous co7nprendre.'\ 
 After a few moments of silence— 
 "^ Well done Pill Garlick ! damn my 
 eyes if Pill has not puzzled the mounseer, 
 with all his bowing and scraping !" This 
 burst of applause from every mouth at the 
 mess table encouraged ine considerably, it 
 being perfectly unsought for on my part; 
 and indeed I was difhdent enough to ima- 
 gine that I had not altogether deserved It. 
 
282 LIFE OF 
 
 I now drew quite close up to the Auber* 
 giste, and asked him somewhat triumphant'* 
 
 " Bh hien monsieur ! comment vous portez 
 vous a present T* 
 
 But the fellow being a little huffed, an* 
 swered, 
 
 " Je me port e tres Men, Dieu merci! quest 
 ce que cela vous fait ?" 
 
 I instantly turned round and took my 
 seat again, assuring the Mess that the 
 stupid French scoundrel had been sayiag 
 something about " viande, viandeJ* 
 
 The Aubergiste, finding milords did not 
 comprehend him to the extent he wished, 
 bowed himself out of the room ; but soon 
 bowed himself in again with a clerk from 
 a banking house, who interpreted the whole 
 business much more satisfactorily than I 
 did, though not with half the applause. 
 The subject which the Aubergiste seemed 
 so distressed about, was his extreme sorrow 
 for being obliged to say, that he could not 
 possibly feed us any longer for thirty sous 
 a head ;■ as *' milords Anglois* ate more 
 meat during the one week they had been 
 in his house, than twice the number of bis^ 
 
PILL GARLICK, 283 
 
 own compatriots usually ate in six ; and 
 that we ate more meat, if possible, on Fri- 
 day (God forgive him for saying it!) thaa 
 on any dther day in the week ; he there- 
 fore begged pardon for the liberty he took 
 in requesting that we might have the 
 ** complaisance" to pay an additional five 
 sous a head. This was immediately put 
 to the vote of the Mess, and carried with, 
 very little opposition ; we accordingly paid 
 him the additional two pence halfpenny, 
 and our dinners were served up as usual, 
 except that on Fridays we observed a short 
 allowance oi meat, and ihe soup was always 
 more of a *' soupe-^aigre** than on other 
 days. 
 
 The little Corsicaa curmudgeon resolv- 
 ing, as in all cases, to spite where he cant 
 bite, issued a decree, that all British sub- 
 jects within the dominions of France, whe-. 
 ther men, women, or children ; civil, mi- 
 litary, or religious; sick, lame, or lazy, 
 should be considered prisoners of war, and 
 were forthwith to rendezvous at Verdua 
 sur Meuse, under penalty of heavy fine 
 and close imprisonment. This decree; 
 this noble record of French hospitality, and 
 
284 LIFE OF 
 
 boasted French gaiariterie! of course hur* 
 ried us from Toulouse, and within an hour's 
 warning on a December's day, our gang 
 was outside the town under a strong horse 
 guard of that well known tyrannical corps 
 the " Gens d^armetieJ' 
 
 The first town we halted at was Auche, 
 where there is a remarkable fine ancient 
 cathedral, the head curate of which gave 
 us an excellent dejeune a iafourchette, and 
 entertained us very hospitably. From 
 Auche we were marched zig zag ihrougli 
 the country from gaol to gaol, under all 
 the insuk and ill treatment that Tyranny 
 could devise; more than once have we 
 been thrown into a dungeon, after a fa* 
 tiguing march without even the comfort 
 of a bundle of straw; but this was a lux- 
 ury we soon learned to dispense with^ 
 from our having been tumbled at different 
 times into old straw, that had served vari- 
 ous other wretches, and was filled with all 
 sorts of filth and vermin. No matter how 
 the weather was, though in the very depth 
 of winter, on we were driven, with felons, 
 or conscripts, or deserters, just as they 
 happened to be moving in the saflic liofe 
 
FILL GARLICK. 9i^5 
 
 T>f march as ourselves. The day after we 
 left Orleans, which, if you take the trou- 
 ble of looking in the map, you will find 
 to he, even as the crow flies, a rattling fine 
 journey from Toulouse; the day after, I 
 say, we left that once splendid city, hap- 
 pened to be a day in itself momentous; 
 it was Christmas day ; but independant 
 of that I venture to assert, it will never be 
 forgotten by Pill Garlick or his gang. The 
 weather was desperate^ and had been for 
 some time an alternate change of frosty 
 thaw, hail^ rain, and snow ; our march had 
 been certainly not less than twenty five 
 English miles, if I may judge from the 
 time we took to perform it, which was 
 from day light in the morning, till close 
 upon twelve at night, and during all that 
 time we had not been allowed to halt al- 
 together three hours for refreshments, i, e, 
 gritty black ammunition bread and whole- 
 some water. Upon arriving at the town, 
 our guard conducted us as usual to the 
 prison, but being in a violent hurry to 
 get under a more comfortable sheUer, they 
 soon scampered off, leaving us to the care 
 i)<f the gaoler, a member of the community. 
 
286 LIFE or 
 
 who at the best of times, I believe, is not 
 proverbial for the refined feelings of sym- 
 pathy or sensibility. This gentleman in- 
 vited us to follow him, and instantly led 
 the way from passage to passage, through 
 iron doors innumerable, and at last down 
 a narrow winding staircase into a spacious 
 cell, where counting his chickens as they 
 severally descended the last step, he shut 
 the creeking door, which, when he had 
 sufficiently locked, and bolted, and barred, 
 and chained, he put his mouth to the key- 
 hole, and with all that levity and sangjroid 
 so characteristic of his nation, said ** Bon 
 soiVf Messieurs,*' and walked off singiag 
 *' la pipe cle tabac.** An awful silence for 
 some minutes pervaded the cell, and no- 
 thing was heard except the harsh echo of 
 the different doors which the Gaoler se- 
 cured on his retreat, " Here we are, my 
 boys, snug enough !'* first broke the seal 
 of silence ; but we were too much fatigued 
 and too indignant to pass many jokes on 
 our dismal sepulchral situation. After 
 knocking our heads together, and thrust- 
 ing our fingers in each other's eyes, in 
 troping about to no purpose, in hopes of 
 
PILL GARLICK, 287 
 
 finding some tolerable place to lie upon, 
 we at last agreed to " kick up a row," 
 in order to recall the gaoler ; and to this 
 €nd we all placed our backs against the 
 door, and bumped, kicked, and halloo*d 
 for a considerable time before the noise, 
 thundering as it was, could find its way 
 lo our keeper's ears; and when he did 
 come, it was vvith a slow and fearful step> 
 for he imagined milords Ariglois had raised 
 the Devil in the dungeon. However, when 
 we heard the trampling of his monstrous 
 jabots (wooden shoes) and perceived the 
 twinkling rays of his lanthorn, we imme- 
 diately silenced our hubbub, and coaxed 
 him, by the jingling of a few pieces of 
 money, to approach and open a little 
 square hole, with which all the dungeons 
 1 have visited are conveniently provided j 
 we then begged he would buy uh a candle 
 and five bottles of wine, which, after some 
 pretended difficulties to enhance the obli- 
 gation, he consented to, and sent off his 
 daughter, who had accompanied him 
 (through curiosity, I suppose) to fetch 
 them, while he remained at the pigeon 
 hole endeavouring to convince us of his 
 
 ^ 
 
LITE OF 
 
 goodness of heart in granting such an in- 
 dulgence. 
 
 When the girl returned with her cora- 
 Biission^ we were soon made to understand 
 that it was the gaoler's practice to sell for 
 ready money only, and that the cash must 
 be paid before the articles were delivered, 
 which though willing to do, we hesitated 
 a little when he demanded for his farthing 
 candle une piece de guinze sous, (seven 
 pence halfpenny) and for the wine qnarante 
 sous la bouteille, (Is. Sd, per bottle) which 
 we very well knew was sold at the tavern 
 for six or, eight sous at the utmost ; how- 
 ever, 
 
 ** D'ye mind me, a sailor should be every inch 
 
 All as one as a piece of a ship, 
 And to brave well the world, without oflf'ring to 
 flinch, 
 
 From the moment the anchor's a trip.** 
 
 So we paid the fellow the rhino, when he 
 poked the farthing candle and the bottles 
 of six sous wine through the pigeon hole, 
 first making us leave a deposit of eight sous 
 for each bottle in case of vulgar fractions. 
 
PILL GARLICK. 289 
 
 which, as it happened, did not take place, 
 though he forgot next morning to return 
 the deposit. We first hastened while the 
 farthing candle lasted, to explore the na- 
 ture and extent of our gloomy dwelling; 
 gloomy indeed it was ! but how must the 
 discovery of an emaciated wretch loaded 
 with irons in a corner have added to that 
 gloom ! 
 
 " Distress was never yet a fault. 
 ** Misfortune ever claims the pity of the brave.»» 
 
 Such are the sentiments of true British 
 Tars, — they were ours most unfeignedly 
 upon this occasion. After giving the poor 
 fellow a swig, he told us his story, some- 
 thing to the following purport. 
 
 He was by birth, he said, a Piedmon- 
 tese, and the youngest of three sons; the 
 two elder had both been called upon at for- 
 mer periods to serve under the conscrip- 
 tion laws ; the eldest had fallen in battle 
 in Germany, and the other with a party 
 of recruits had embarked some lime since 
 for the West Indies. His mother, conti- 
 
290 LIFE OF * 
 
 nued lie, at the period her children had 
 been thus cruelly torn from her, was very 
 far advanced in years, and did not long 
 support her severe loss ; she died, leaving 
 behind her a still more aged husband to 
 the sole care andej^ertionsof the young man 
 in question, v\ho at that period was about 
 thirteen years of age ; scarcely, however, 
 bad even he lived three years with his fa- 
 ther, when the tyrannical laws of the con- 
 scription, paying no regard to age or 
 circumstances, forced him away likewise. 
 He had not, he said, been long with his 
 regiment before he deserted, was soon 
 taken, and punished ; but punishment, he 
 added with a sigh, could not efface from 
 his mind the picture of the helpless state 
 to which his venerable father was reduced ; 
 the laws of nature urged him a second time 
 to infringe those of his country; he was 
 again taken ; his old lather thrown into pri- 
 son under the severe act against those who 
 attempt to conceal deserters^ he himself 
 tried by a court martial, condemned to be 
 shot, and ihe next day's light was intended 
 to see that senience put i , execution, 
 in teiiiOji his melancholy tale, the young 
 
PILL GARLICK,. ^91 
 
 man did not appear more affected than 
 those who with heart-felt emotion were 
 listening to it. The crime of which he 
 was convicted I shall neither attempt to 
 palliate nor excuse ; but, if my pen was 
 capable of relating the story and describing 
 the scene as it actually occurred, I do not 
 hesitate to say, that many, very many in» 
 deed, would feel as we felt — Pity for the 
 iinfortnnate sufferer, and abhorrence of 
 that Tyrant who can sanction such cruel- 
 ties as the conscription laws daily inflict 
 throughout the vast empire which has so 
 long been groaning under his sanguinary 
 controul. 
 
 At last, conquering all hardships, wc 
 reached the point of our destination ; that 
 notorious fortress of Verdun sur Meuse ! 
 which from the epoch of the French Re^ 
 volution to that of its becoming a depot 
 for British prisoners, was poor, deso- 
 late, and miserable; but since the latter, 
 period, it has become a very neat, a very 
 gay, and a very wealthy town. We were 
 first marched into the citadel, where not 
 only the name, age, height, complexion, 
 quahfication, and birth place of every pri- 
 o 2 
 
992 LIFE or 
 
 s'oner of War was minutely taken down, but 
 also the father's christian name, mother's 
 maiden name, together with their respec- 
 tive trades or occupations. When this 
 genealogical ceremony was concluded, we 
 were told that we must appear at the 
 Hotel de. Ville twice every day to sign 
 our names, we were then handed a passport 
 enabling us to go out of two particular 
 gates, at slated hours, within a given dis- 
 tance from the town, on parole*. 
 
 Now that 1 am seated in the " Pot 
 de Chambre de Lorrain", (for so Verdun 
 1« called, as well on account of its pe- 
 culiar situation, as for its damp unsavoury 
 atmosphere) I cannot with decency leave 
 it before I give some account of a place 
 where I spent four curious years, in that 
 very important time of life when youth is 
 
 * Till* passport no'doubt was granted on iupposition that 
 we gave our parole, though 1 do not knou of any .»ho 
 actually pledged their word to observe its injutiCtions. 
 However, that bare snpposhiun was of itself sufficiet t to 
 deter any British officer, (''ven without possessii g the glis- 
 tering badge of the Legion of Honour) from taking an 
 tmdue advantage of it. 
 
PILL GARLICK. 2^3 
 
 SO eagerly impatient to shake off the yoke 
 of obedience, to take the reins in his own 
 hands, and, in a word, to be thought a 
 perfect Man, before, perhaps, he has w«ll 
 entered upon the age of a school-boy. 
 
 ** When first to Ind a country bumpkin goes, 
 A small hair trunk is nil the wealth lie knows ; 
 He there arrives with awkward gait and mien, 
 But ere a twelvemonth, — what a change is seen I 
 
 He mounts his elephant, treats, w s, gets drunk. 
 
 And quite forgets his friend — the little trunk /» 
 E'en like the bumpkin 1 myself must owr» 
 UntutorM in the fashions ol a town ; 
 To Verdun's hated contines first I went, 
 But soon forgot the former scenes I bpent ! 
 
 When in the cockpit, 'mong the mids in glee, 
 I passed a jolly sailor's life, d'ye see ; 
 Sung smutty songs, echoed their deat'ning cheers. 
 And often damn'd to Hell the French mounseers !; 
 Drank swipes, or grog, perhaps a glass or two. 
 Or more—just as I saw the otiiers do. 
 So far was innocent ; — but mark the rest, 
 And see poor Pill a libertine confess' d ! 
 
 In Verdun (Sink of Hell !) allurM by vice, 
 He drank, swore, and a — a— play 'd cards and dice! 
 
'594 LIFE OF 
 
 In all extremes by bad example led, 
 
 lie stifled conscience, and from virtue fled. 
 
 How like that country boy who went abroad, 
 And did what once his guileless heart abhorr'd; 
 Forgot his little tnink !— but Pill, I fear, 
 
 JPorgot the very friends he should revere ! 
 
 Oh no ! — 'twas their advice that he forgot, 
 
 And for his folly paM both scot and lot! 
 
 His luture life that folly shall redress. 
 
 And in the end may lead (I hope with all 
 
 Aly ktart and soul) to happiness ! 
 
 Need I say more ? — Or can I well say less ? 
 
 This work may possibly long before this, 
 have been said to resemble those already 
 hinu d al in the Dedication ; viz. *' a po- 
 et's black coat, miserable centos and pat- 
 ches;" if so, 1 canpol reverse its doom, 
 p^r will it the less prevent me from add- 
 ing the following " patches" torn from the 
 ** Picture of Verdun;" a hasty sketch by 
 the pen of the Chevalier *♦***, whose 
 pregnant fancy is so luxuriously displayed 
 in his convenient non- hymeneal system, set 
 forth under the title of the " Empire 
 of the Naires, or Rights of Women.'* 
 
 Before the arrival of the English at 
 
PILL GARLICK. 295 
 
 Verdun, (I have already hinted, and the 
 Chevalier declares,) there were but three 
 or four decent shops, the others sold gin- 
 ger-bread and fire-matches; the people 
 dressed like dirty trulls, or dirtier halt- 
 starved servants out of plate ; but sooa 
 ftfter the arrival of " milords^" the whole 
 town was as brisk as a bee. The princi- 
 pal street received the name of Bond 
 Street, and became the lounge; the j^hops 
 were ornamented and filled with jewellery 
 und every article of fashionable dress; the 
 shop- keepers* wives and grown-up daugh- 
 ters gave their old cloaths to the kitchen 
 wenches, and a'tired themselves in silks 
 and sattins; every article of food and ray- 
 xnent was sold to the prisoners at double 
 and triple their customary prices, and lod- 
 gings were now let for a much greater 
 sum by the month, than before they had 
 produced by the year. In short, so great 
 were the advantages which accrued to 
 Yerdun from our detention there, that 
 many towns, envying its rising splendour, 
 applied for the honour of becoming our 
 prison; Metz more than once, made that 
 application ia vain, which we afterwards 
 
J29^ LIFE OF 
 
 found out was granted to Verdun on ac* 
 count of the number of votes it had 
 given for the Corsican*s being Consul for 
 life. 
 
 Verdun, says the Chevalier, offered 
 in a small focus, the spectacle of all the 
 extravagance, dissipation and vice of a 
 Capital ; indeed, vice never was so unblu&h- 
 ingly caressed as here, nor villany so tri- 
 umphantly praciieed. — Do not, however, 
 be surprized, when I add, that within 
 these walls of infamy, was likewise to be 
 found characters of the highest respecta- 
 bility, and a vast deal of real entertain- 
 ment. The motley group being composed 
 of persons of every rank and every pro- 
 fession in life, the conversation at times 
 assumed a general turn, and was replete 
 •with information. There were few topics 
 on which some one was not able to con- 
 verse ; few countries, perhaps none, which 
 some one had not visited ; and although 
 quarrelling and fighting was quite a la 
 mode, yet all National distinctions between 
 Irish, Scotch, and English were at an end, 
 and their only contest was, who should 
 do the honours of their respective coua^ 
 
PILL GAHLICK. 297 
 
 tries on their several Saint's days, with 
 the most hospitality and splendour. 
 
 All the clubs, of which there were many^ 
 and all the messes, of which there were few^ 
 were indiscriminately composed of Army, 
 Navy, and Civilians. Nothing rambles so 
 glibly as the conversation of a traveller ; 
 how then must the discourse ramble, whea 
 half a dozen travellers meet together! I'H 
 trouble you to fancy us assembled at the 
 upper club (because it was the best) and fan* 
 cy you hear every one talking by turns. It 
 would be a rare subject for a show-box 1-^ 
 Here sits a grand tourist, who. had seen all 
 the wonders of the world, from? the head of 
 a minikin pin to the guts, af an elephant j 
 who had crept into a catacomb at one 
 hole, and crept out again at anot^ier; who 
 had twice measured St. Peter's dome, 
 and could inform the company whether 
 the slipper of the Pope's Holiness was 
 made of Spanish or of Neat's leather.— 
 There loll* a country squire who could 
 tell the best method of training pointers, 
 and the safest way of taking a fox alive. 
 '^Here stands a manufacturer in a grey 
 o 5 
 
S^S LIFE OF 
 
 coat, who could compare the South-down 
 breed with Merino sheep. — There a know- 
 ing kiddy, who had the Racing Calendar 
 almost by heart — Here a Cantab who had 
 the Gradus and Parnassus entirely at his 
 fingers' ends; — and there an officer who 
 missed fire at the Savage that killed Cap- 
 tain Cook. — No bet upon any subject, 
 whether religious or military, whether po- 
 litical, classsical, or commercial, could be 
 started, but there was some one of the 
 Church or Army, of the Senate or Count- 
 ing-house, some black coat, red coat, or 
 blue coat, ready to decide it. — Sometimes 
 the son of Anacreon would be prevailed up- 
 on to interfere, and silence a debate with 
 an excellent song ; of which the Chevalier 
 composed several, and parodied others, up- 
 on the Tyrant's unprecedented detention of 
 private families as prisoners of war. The 
 two following (as far as 1 remember them) 
 will, I dare say be found acceptable to 
 those who happen not to have the Che- 
 valier's '^ Picture of Verdun," wherein 
 they are at full length, and where also 
 niay be seen a more detailed, and very 
 faithful account of ^very thing I have 
 
PILL GARLICK. 2S9 
 
 said, or perhaps mean to say relative to 
 the '' Pot de chambre dc Loirain" 
 
 We Britons, we've no need lo blush 
 
 At (uik* unworthy >oke ! 
 Our foes should blush, tliough we may sigh ; 
 
 The laws of hospitality 
 
 We Britons never broke. 
 
 Though here detained 'gainst ev'ry law. 
 
 Of many a joy bereft, 
 With conscious pride we still advance. 
 
 We are nut citizens of France :— 
 
 Our honour still is left. 
 
 Our confidence our only crime, 
 
 Our foes must own is true ; 
 And think, if prisoners ihus we live, 
 
 So nobly act, so freely give*; 
 
 If free what should we do. 
 
 Each gale from France to us shall seem 
 
 A pestilential breath ; 
 While shipwreck'd seamen dread to land, 
 
 Avoid th* inhospitable strand, 
 
 And risk a wat'ry death. 
 
 The followiog is one of the Chevalier's 
 
 * T^e British prisoners subsoribed to many FrencK 
 cbaritiesj and relieved roany objects of distress. 
 
SCO LIFE OF 
 
 parodies, and was written, I believe, in 
 consecjuence of the unhappy fate of an 
 Irish gentleman, whom the French Gene- 
 ral, under some of his vile pretexts, bad 
 sent off to the soKS-terrahis of Bitsche, 
 a strong fortress in whose gloomy dun- 
 geons many a British prisoner has ex- 
 pired, 
 
 THE CAPTIVE OF ERIN, 
 
 In the dungeons of Bitche a poor captive of Erin> 
 Lamented his fate as he lay on the straw ; 
 He wept for his folly to France when repairing, 
 He thought it a country of justice and law. 
 Though the day star was hid from his eye's sad 
 
 devotion, 
 He thought of his own natal Isle in the ocean, 
 Where oft in the fire of his youthful emotion, 
 He sung the bold anthem o^ Erin go bragh! 
 
 Ah ! surely he cried to the innocent stranger, 
 The hordes of the desart less barb'rous would be ; 
 But could I imagine my freedom in danger, 
 Who came to a nation that cali'd itself free ? 
 In the gloom of a prison 1 count the sad hours, 
 And languish in vain for the sweet shady bow'is, 
 Wheie m> friends crown the harp with the wild- 
 woven flowers 
 That grow on the green fields of Erin ga bragh / 
 
PILL GARLICK. SOi 
 
 While they hy their cabins rejoice in the wild 
 wood, 
 
 I moiiinfuUy write my sad tale on the wall ; 
 
 Ah ! where is the mother that nurtur'd my child- 
 hood ? 
 
 Her counsel too late to my mind I recall, 
 
 " Ah how can the stranger"^ exclaimM my fond 
 mother, 
 
 " Confide in the French who have murdered each 
 other ? 
 
 Nor spared m tlieir fury or sister or brother 
 
 No, rather remain in sweet Enn go bragti I 
 
 Kach selfish desire on my death-bed suppressing, 
 For my country shall be the last breath that f 
 
 draw, 
 Erin, a captive bequeaths thee his blessing, 
 L^nd ot* ray loiefathers, Erin go bragh ! 
 Whea my pulse beats no more, when my heart*a* 
 
 without motion, 
 Green be thy fields, sweetest isle of the Ocean, 
 And thy harp-striking bards shall sing loud with 
 
 devotion, 
 Erm ma vourni* n^^Erin go bragh ! 
 
 Some of the families kept the most hos- 
 pitable houses, and gave frequent dinner 
 parties, card parties, and all sorts of par- 
 ties ill the grandest style. The French 
 were all, with the exception of one, or 
 
302 LIFE OF 
 
 perhaps two, very unwilling to shew any 
 civilities to the English, without having 
 some interest in it. The Chevalier gives 
 a splendid account of a splendid party that 
 was given hy Mr. Concannon on the 
 Prince of Wales's birth-day. The tables 
 groaned under every luxury which the 
 seasons and the most exquisite vineyards 
 of France could produce. After supper, 
 the dancing was recommenced and kept 
 up till past breakfast time by those ladies 
 and gentlemen who liked shaking their 
 legs ; others who were so inclined remained 
 at the supper table, drinking and singing 
 till the same hour ; others surrounded the 
 hazard table and rattled the bojies, (I nick* 
 ed seven five times running that morning) 
 No fete, you must know, or genteel enter- 
 tainment was perfect at Verdun wiiliout 
 the dice-box. Singing was carried to a 
 great pitch of excellence, and the songs 
 were not unfrequently composed by the 
 songsters for the occasion ; the following 
 one I hope may enteitain my readers as 
 much as it entertained the company at 
 Mr. Concannon's f^it. 
 
PILL GAKLICK. 803 
 
 You ask for a song, though I cannot tell why, 
 Tor you all must well know that no songster am I ; 
 But once in a way I will try to be civil. 
 And should I displease you, then go to the devil. 
 
 A song for his supper each poet may sing, 
 But I was invited to eat, not to sing ; 
 And, faith, 1 this day in no comfort conld dine, 
 My wife was so anxious to make herself iiue. 
 
 " Now let's have no nonsense to night," said 
 
 my wife, 
 " Do look like a gentleman once in your life ; 
 Put on a clean neck-cloth, and take your cockM 
 
 hat, 
 Or the ladies will cry— Law? what fellow is that?* 
 
 My wife I obeyed like a good married elf. 
 And passing the looking-glass, bow*d to myself, 
 Then we stept in the carnage, no devil drove fas- 
 ter. 
 The horses, poor creatures, less pleased than their 
 master. 
 
 As T enter'd the room I was always a booing, 
 Audi said to myself, this is mighty line doing ; 
 Faith, I wish that Queen Charlotte had given her 
 
 dear 
 Three hundred and sixty five princes a year. 
 
304 LIFE OF 
 
 But now the good toast-master's given his text^ 
 " To George on the throne, and to Georgy the 
 
 next ;" 
 Let's fancy ourselves on the banks of the Shannon, 
 And each fill a bumper to Mrs. Concannon. 
 
 Loud and reiterated bursts of applause 
 proved the entire satisfaction of the com- 
 pany, ai>d Mrs. Concannon's health was 
 immediately drank with three times three 
 in (cil de perdrix rouge. The following two 
 verses from another excellent sonjj^, allud- 
 ing to the vapouring of the French bulle- 
 tins, Will not I am sure prove unacceptable 
 to the greater part of my readers, even at 
 this identical period. 
 
 Oh was I a poet what tales might be told 
 Of Prussia bedevil'd and towns bought and sold. 
 How citadels fell at the sound of the drums, 
 'Cause ihe cits and their wives were afraid of the 
 bombs ! 
 
 How a Russian it seems, though youMl think it a 
 
 farce, 
 Will run leagues with a bayonet stuck in his ■ ■ • - 
 But hush ! here the Muse shuts her mouth in 
 
 the dumps, 
 For in Verdun her wings are cut close to tli» 
 
 stumps. 
 
PILL GAULICK. 305 
 
 So splendid and gay was this f^te of the 
 1 2th of August, that we all wished as well 
 as the Poet, that 
 
 " Queen Charlotte had given her dear 
 
 *' Three hundred and sixty-five Princes a year." 
 
 The ladies did every honour to the as- 
 sembly that fancy could devise ; white and 
 gold muslins embroidered with flowers 
 were the general uniform, and every head- 
 dress consisted of three fine ostrich fea- 
 thers, in imitation of the Prince's crest. 
 
 Those who had diamonds display'd thcni with 
 
 taste, 
 And those who had none supplied them with paste. 
 
 Among the number of songs I have in- 
 troduced, I cannot prevail on myself to 
 leave out the following ; first, because it 
 was unprecedently successful, rapturously 
 applauded, and boisterously encored ; se- 
 condly, because it was Pill Garhck*s mai- 
 den eftbrt at the sing-sofig. 
 
 The result of the glorious, though dearly- 
 bought victory of the 25th of October, had 
 been as usual published throughout France in 
 
S06 LIFE OF 
 
 every shape but the true one, nor until tlie 
 arrival of private letters and news-papers 
 from England had we been able to aseer* 
 tain the rral facts attending that tremen- 
 dous naval battle. This memorable event 
 was the subject of my song. With the 
 powerful assistance of the Naval Chronicle, 
 I worked up a certain number of verses^ 
 and adapted them to the lune of the " Koast 
 Beef of Old England ;" when I had com- 
 pleted my lal orif)Us undertaking I sent it 
 to a friend for his opinion, who returned 
 it wiih this encouraging note, 
 
 ** Your naval song Tve read, my friend, 
 And like the hall you pllfer*d best. 
 
 But t\>ther hali you may amend — 
 Take courage Pill, and steal the rest." 
 
 This flattering opinion upon my first 
 tuneful e.ssay, determined me to get it by 
 bca»t and sing it at a great dinner that was 
 to be given on that day week ; my friend 
 and I had agreed that he should knock me 
 down for a song on a particular wink from 
 me. Hitherto my voice had never quavered 
 outside the private circle of a cockpit ; bash- 
 fulness girt my warbling tongue 1 but in Ver- 
 
PILL OARLICK. SO? 
 
 duD, you know, I soon learned to improve 
 ** my awkward mien," and by degrees got 
 the better of that cumbersome famiiidr of 
 woman-kind Bashful Modesty! 
 
 At lenght the dinner day arrived, and 
 never do 1 remember to have been more 
 perplexed than when the cloth began 
 to be removed I Every question I asked or 
 answered, every sentence that ei<caped vaj 
 mouth, was to the tune of the Roast Beef 
 of Old England I In due time ihe brisk 
 champagne and sprightly burgundy set ihc 
 songsters a going ; many songs were sung 
 and many bottles emptied before 1 ven- 
 tured even to look towards my friend, who 
 according to our pre-concerted plan was 
 at the upper end of the table opposite to 
 me. At last I thought the opportunity 
 favourable, and my throat feeling as clear 
 as a bell, 1 tipped my friend the wink ; 
 finding it was not noiiced I repeated it, 
 accompanying my winks with a few nods 
 and hems! Now whether my friend had 
 forgotten our private signals, or whether 
 the champagne and burgundy had dimned 
 his sight so as to prevent his seeing them, 
 I cannot tell; but certainly my song would 
 
303 LIFE OF 
 
 not have been sung that day had it not 
 been for ihe gentlemen between whom I 
 sat, whose anxiety to know the cause of 
 my sudden uneasiicss, soon discovered that 
 I was big with song, when they immedi- 
 ately becan to bang the table with their 
 hands, at the same time vociferating, " Si- 
 lence! a Song! a Song ! Silence! Chair! 
 Chair I Pill Garlick's song! Silence!*" 
 When the awful silence had been obtained, 
 my breath was gone ! what became of it I 
 know not, but in an instant it bad escaped 
 some how or other ! 
 
 Have ye beheld when first Aurora's eye* 
 Sends forth her early be^ms, and by and by,. 
 Withdraws the glory ot her face, then shrouds 
 Her cheeks behind a ruddy mask of clouds ? 
 
 Such were ray looks I 
 
 Have ye beheld when Phoebus' golden head, 
 Hath newly dived into the sea-green bed 
 With Thetis, how the bashful western zone. 
 Enforced to see, what should be seen by none j 
 
 " He who, in queit of quiet, '» silence" boots, 
 «' Is apt to make the hubbub he imputes." 
 
PILL GARLICK. 309 
 
 Looks rtd for shame, and blusheth to discover, 
 The dehghtful pleasure of the heaven-born lover ? 
 
 So blushed Pill Garlick's cheeks, deeply 
 flushed with burgundy, when he thus com- 
 menced his song. 
 
 Ask me for a song? that's indeed a good joke, 
 Pill Garhck in public has never yet spoke ; 
 But why should I blush, whea my theme's hearts 
 of Oak, 
 
 And my tune the roast beef of old England. 
 
 And my tune the old English roast beef* 
 
 Invention I need not, their deeds are enough. 
 Like their own native oak they are hardy and tough, 
 No foreign ingredients, but true British stuff. 
 Arc all the brave tars of Old England, 
 Are all the old English brave tars. 
 
 Tho' from Britain, the source of prosperity flows, 
 We are fought by all nations from where the wind 
 
 blows, 
 Yet still Dame Britannia exultingly sKows, 
 
 The conquering Tars of Old England. 
 
 Tol lolde rol lol de rol lol! 
 
 Hood Howe, BridportjVincent and Duncan so stout 
 With France, Spain and Holland have each had a 
 bout. 
 
310 LIFE OF 
 
 'Tis the same thing to them, who's in or who's ouh 
 For they are True Blues of Old England. 
 With their tol de rol lol de rol lol. 
 
 Encircled with laurels, see Nelson advance, 
 Determined to humble the banners of France, 
 To heaven his vict'ry ascribes, not to chance! 
 Oh I the brave Tar of Old England, 
 Old England is proud of his name ! 
 
 Bonaparte in Egypt thought Arabs to greet, 
 As an agent from Mahomet offerVi to treat, 
 Butpray my good friends, what'^ become of hisfleet? 
 Ask the brave Tars of Old England, 
 With their tol de rol lol de rol lol I 
 
 Til ask you a question — you know I dare say, 
 "What's become of the ships that were in Cadiz bay? 
 Why Nelson he met them just putting to sea. . 
 
 Och Oh ! the brave Tars of Old England. 
 
 By my faith they're a fine set of Tars ! 
 
 The fleets all combined both of Franceand of Spain 
 The grandest that ever appeared on the main ! 
 Of thirty three sail, boys ! we captured nineteen ! 
 Thanks to the Tars of Old England, 
 Thanks to Old England*s brave tars. 
 
 Learn from hence Signior Bony you boastings an 
 
 vain, 
 You may lord it in Italy, Holland, or Spain, 
 
PILL GARLICK. 311 
 
 But yonr eagles shall never fly ov^r the main ! 
 Whilst we have brave tars in OKI England, 
 Whilst we have one true British tar*. 
 
 I've sung Bridport, Howe, Vincent, Duncan and 
 
 Hood, 
 Pray should we neglect the brave tar CoUingwood, 
 Who revenged with such glory our dtar Nelson*s 
 blood? 
 And other brave tars of Old England, 
 And other Old English brave tars. 
 
 Now fill up our glasses and cheerfully smile, 
 To the meni'ry of Nelson the I^rd of the Nile, 
 M'ith a health to the heroes of famed Britain's islr, 
 
 And to all the brave souls of Old England^ 
 
 Sailors and Soldiers and all ! 
 
 After singing this song, which I have 
 told you was rapturously encored, I felt 
 that diffidence which youth and inexpe- 
 rience at first imposes on the mind rapidly 
 vanish ; I soon ventured to dilate upon 
 subjects I was, or was not acquainted with, 
 
 • Since the birth-nl'ht of the above stanza, Spain has 
 elipped the wings of some of Bonn's eagles so close that 
 there are great doubts of h«"ir being able to fly home 
 again; and Russia has pluiked others so bare, that they 
 have little or nothing left except two or three feathers in 
 the tail In shoit there ia every appearance that the poor 
 birds v^ill be crushed to deatli in the present scramble. 
 
312 LIFE OF 
 
 and found it as easy to deliver my senti- 
 ments at a lariie table sprinkled with cham- 
 pagne and burgundy, in a splendid room, 
 as at a small one sprinkled with purser's 
 swipes, in the darksome shades of a cockpit. 
 i have somewhere informed myself 
 that the two great springs of the soul 
 are the desire of honour and the fear of 
 shame; but that the perversion of these 
 qualities, which the refinement of society 
 k peculiarly successful in making, has 
 drawn their influence from the standard of 
 morality to the banners of its opposite; and 
 the first step on which a young man ven- 
 tures, in those paths which the cautions of 
 wisdom have warned him to avoid, he is 
 commonly pushed by the fear of that ridi- 
 cule which he has seen levelled at simplicity, 
 and the desire of that applause which the 
 spirit of the profligate has enabled him to 
 acquire. In Verdun indeed was erected the 
 standard of every vice ,* there the praises 
 of virtue were not only unheeded, but the 
 infamy of vice was unfelt! The counsels 
 and exhortations of a few were wholly 
 unable to counterbalance the shameful ex- 
 amples of those who took the lead in every 
 
PILLGARLtCK, 313 
 
 depravity, and exulted in the destruction 
 of those unguarded young men whom tiiey 
 succeeded in betraying, with all the smooth 
 .flattering wiles of seduction, into their ra« 
 pacious unpitying grasps. These scenes of 
 infamy shall form the beginning of a se- 
 cond volume of Pill Garlick, i. e. if his first 
 happens to find its way from the printer's. 
 At present he wishes to be silent with res- 
 pect to them, because, to say the truth, he 
 acted a busier part in those scenes than 
 the cock does in Hamlet, and tJialkeureuse* 
 ment, is obliged to confess, that he was not 
 one of those few, who had either prudence 
 or firmness enough to resist the allurements 
 of such seducing and forcible examples; 
 However, if the indulgent pause on the sub- 
 ject, some allowance may be made for the 
 errors of inexperience ; but Pill Garlick 
 seeks not for excuses to extenuate his folly ; 
 if he did, he would say, 
 
 « Tis a hard lot 
 " To be turned loose upon a vicious world 
 With neither oars nor anchor; — such a sea 
 Might shipwreck Wisdom's self, though built o( 
 oakr 
 
:S14 "LIFE or 
 
 -I was soon introduced to all sorts of 
 'Company ; became a member of the Beef- 
 Steak Club, and joined the shout of the 
 bacchanal; became a member of the Tally 
 ho! Clubj and kept my hunter; became 
 a member of the Racing Club, and kept 
 jny * * * # # racer! ^projJ05, among the 
 amusements of this <iissolute place, famous 
 ladies, or ladies of fame, were not the least 
 in fashion ; they were kept in a style of 
 ambitious elegance. *' Si divina nostris 
 animis origo est, tenendum ad virtutem, nee 
 volnptatibus corporis serviendum^* — was 
 Tvhat few adhered to, or took the trouble 
 to consider; indeed, 
 
 *' The wisest man the world e'er saw 
 ^' He dearly lov'd the lasses O !" 
 
 The Chevalier assures us, that these las- 
 civious strangers excited the jealousy of 
 the citizens' wives and daughters to the 
 ilighest, as they tht)Ught it hard others 
 should •monopolize what they considered 
 their «ole right and privilege. Many a 
 mother sold the maiden virtue of her 
 daughter for a stipulated sum! and raised 
 
FILL GARLICK. 31:5 
 
 or lowered her demands, according to the 
 amorous impatience or cold indiHerence 
 of the amateur; and as L* Amour est avcu^ 
 gle, and Cupid can deceive his idolaters at 
 pleasure, the same article was I'tequently; 
 sold to different purchasers. 
 
 ** Afnare est amatori am arum !'* 
 
 y To return to my racer. A plain about 
 two miles from town was rented at a great 
 cxpence, and arranged as a course ; every 
 midshipman had become a horseman and 
 a jockey, every sailor a knowing groom, 
 and all hands- prided themselves on their 
 perfect knowledge of horse-flesh.. But this 
 amusement, like all others, was soon stop^ 
 ped from the extortionate demands of our 
 Commandant, who made every, winning 
 horse pay for his good luck, and every 
 losing horse for his bad. The midshipmen 
 used to jostle, and cross, and whip, and 
 gpur like Sailors, in hopes to drive thek 
 beasts somewhere about the middle, ana 
 by that means cunningly escape the penal- 
 ty for good running, and the forfeiture for 
 bad ! The guard, who were always sent in 
 p C 
 
dl6 LIFE OF 
 
 great force^ under pretence of keeping the 
 peace upon the race-ground^ were also to 
 be handsomely paid by the prisoners. It 
 has happened when our French Governor 
 wanted a particular sum of money, that at 
 the moment we were all with our tight lea- 
 ther breeches well cleaned, and our spurs 
 and whips ready to depart for the race- 
 course, an order has been issued to shut 
 the gates, and no one suffered to leave 
 the town ; a douceur of some louis, however, 
 would soon cause the gates to fly open, and 
 then out we used to rush, until some new 
 imposition would again put a stop to our 
 sport ; — perhaps the raising the rent of the 
 ground, or the necessity of paying that rent 
 in advance. Another of our Governor's 
 ways and means of extortion was, to go 
 snacks in the fees which a Doctor Sangra- 
 do of his appointing, received for granting 
 sick certificates to those gentlemen who 
 wished to be exonerated from the trouble- 
 M)me drudgery of the morning and evening 
 roll-calls. Jo enumerate the various modes 
 that were practised for extorting money 
 from the English would be disgusting, 
 and scarcely to be credited ; but those who 
 wish to know them more fully, again and 
 
PILL GARLICK. 317 
 
 again I refer them to the Chevalier's " Pic* 
 ture of Verdun," where they will find ihnt 
 the ill treatment of the prisoners was car- 
 ried to such a pilch, as to occasion several 
 remonstrances to the French Governori 
 and I believe Hkewise to the Government; 
 many were thrown into dungeons and 
 infected gaols for the most usurious debts^ 
 and there have ended their sufferings ; even 
 the passports by which we held our parole, 
 were frequently taken from us, and not re- 
 turned agaia until 'Some villainous caprice 
 of the Commandant was satisfied. General 
 Abercrombie, for having declared it- as his 
 opinion that *' a prisoner confined wiihia 
 the walls of a- fortress, and subjected to. 
 such treatment as. we froia.time to time- 
 experienced, could not be considered oo 
 his parole," was confined for three days to 
 the citadel. The Frenchman no doubt 
 thinking that such measures of severity 
 against a prisoner so highly respe»cied aiMi 
 esteemed, would intimiddte thtt rest ; but 
 he was much mistaken, .for every body, 
 right and left, escaped when he could, and 
 thought he had a right so to do. One had 
 a.passpo:t made out for his wile, whose 
 
518 LIFE OF 
 
 name was Georgiana, which he ingeniously 
 ahered into George 8c Anna, so that the 
 passport serving for both, they posted to 
 Germany. Many got off in carriages, and' 
 many escaped ^hke galley slaves who had 
 broke loose from their oars, and were run- 
 ning for their lives. At last it became 
 quite the fashion to ask every morning 
 when the lounge commenced in Bond 
 Street^ '* Well, who decamped last night ?*' 
 However, a very rigid order from the French 
 Government, threatening such prisoners 
 with death, as should be detected within a 
 certain distance of the frontiers, for a time 
 put a stop to escapes, until Pill Garlick 
 mad^ the attempt, and broke the line ia 
 defiance of their threats. There were cer- 
 tainly many prisoners who made very ex- 
 traordinary escapes from France : but I 
 venture to assert, that even including the 
 miraculous history of the notorious Baron 
 Trenck, there never has occurred an ad- 
 venture so replete with incidents of strata- 
 gem, peril, and fatigue, as my escape af- 
 forded before 1 breathed the air of this 
 Land of Liberty. 
 This, however, I must postpone", as in 
 
PILL GARLICK 319 
 
 all probability my readers have perceived 
 that I am drawing towards FINIS, and 
 it would be cruel in me to deceive them ; 
 but, of the circumstances attending that 
 very singular escape, I promise my readers 
 a faithful history at some future period, 
 [provided always nevertheless, that this my 
 first Volume shall pay me my pressing 
 expenses.] I shall also give them, what 
 I have reason to think a very interesting 
 narrative, of how Pill Garlick was seized 
 by a German taylor, and locked up in a 
 Sponging house in Red Lion Square, 
 from whence after many hours solitary 
 confinement, he again gained his liberty, 
 and^ied him to the Peninsula, where he 
 joined the Spaniards under the banner of 
 Patriotism, and the motto of " Inferrum 
 pro Libertate ruimus" How there he 
 thrashed the French on two or three oc- 
 casiors by the side of the heroic and truly 
 meritorious possessor of the conquering 
 sword of Pizarro. 
 
 Could that renowned Spanish Chief look 
 from his grave, great must be his satisfac- 
 tion to behold the faithful companion of 
 all his conquests thus nobly wielded, in a 
 
320 LIFE OF 
 
 manner worthy even of himself; and I have 
 my doubts if that satisfaction could l^e bet* 
 ter expressed than with the eniphalical 
 words of his gallant successor in arms? 
 " Quien mejor guarJatd la espada 7nia9" 
 General Downie, in his gallant attack 
 upon Souk's vanguard at the bridge of 
 Seville, was desperately wounded and 
 made prisoner, but happening to observe 
 a party of his Cavalry advancing, he took 
 the opportunity of throwing his sword to^ 
 wards them, nobly exclaiming, " Who 
 more worthrly deserve this sword !" 
 
 " Now distant every friend's relief. 
 
 Some straggling foes surround the Chief — 
 
 Yet when. to life, to sense restor'd, . 
 
 And grasping still Pizarro's sword, 
 
 His looks no fear reveal ; 
 
 But reckless all of pain, or life, 
 
 Is anxious only, 'midst the strife, 
 
 To guard the hallow'd steel : 
 For when the brave Castilian host,.. 
 Explor'd a distant savage coast; 
 M'hen erst Pizarro's standard flew 
 On the wild shores of rich Peru ; 
 This falchion led the victor band, 
 And trac'd their path- way o'er the sand* 
 
PILL GARLICK. S21 
 
 Amidst the conflict's threat'ning glare, 
 This trusty blade was Downie's care ; 
 And though to foeman's hands a prisoner giv'n, 
 He savM bis sword, and left his fate to Hcav'n." 
 
 And now, methinks, 'tis high time to 
 conclude, for the candle is burnt out, and 
 I am sadly tired. 
 
 Says Reader, *' So am 1." 
 
 FINIS fOK THE PRESENT. 
 
 fK PopUf Printer, 67, Chancery Lane, London^ 
 
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