UNCLE WASH UNCLE WASH HIS STORIES BY JOHN TROTWOOD MOORE i, AUTHOR OF "The Bishop of Cottontown," "A Summer Hymnal," "Ole Mistis," "The Old Cotton Gin," Etc. ILLUSTRATED PHILADELPHIA THE JOHN C. WINSTON CO. 1910 COPYRIGHT, 1910, BY THE JOHN C. WINSTON Co. Copyright, rsfos* *cn*5;b} TROTWOOD PUBLISHING Co. Copyrjg*ht. *0<7, 1908^ igfo; 1,910,, by THB TAYLOR-TROTWO OD "PtfriLisHittG Co. FOREWORD THE author s own part in this book has not been so much to create as to transcribe. The effort was not great and the art of it if it can be said to rise to that dignity makes no pretense. In a more or less strenuous literary life, these stories have come into existence at intervals; and the writing of them, it may as well be admitted, is in response to that spirit of fun which, is the birth inheritance of every healthy Aryan claiming that slope in his land that lay toward the sunrise of the Celt. To the author these stories have been a mental unbottling. It is true he had many other ways of mental amusement the little mare and the runabout, the colts in the pasture, the pacing race at the County Fair, the stubble-field in the fall, and Bob White flushed between wooded blue grass hills these are not to be underestimated when play was needed for the body. The stories of Uncle Wash have been his play of the mind. With this he bequeaths them to the world. And he will be repaid if there shall be the shifting of its mental burden with a laugh. Like Lord Byron, Uncle Wash could not tell a story that had not really happened. The chief inci dents of all of these stories are true. Chief among the tenets of that broader religion of (3) 4 FOREWORD to-day is that which recognizes the rights of laughter that the soul, if it stands under the great burden of this age of effort, needs no less the smile for its journey than the body needs its newer religion of sun-light and air. J. T. M. CONTENTS PAGE SISTER CA LINE S ENTICEMENT 9 BROTHER WASHINGTON S CONSOLATION 21 THE WATERMELON SERMON 32 A RACE FOR A VALENTINE 42 UNCLE WASH AND His MOTHERS-IN-LAW 59 How HE PLAYED SANTA GLAUS 69 SPOTTYCUSS His WORLD BEATER 77 Miss ANT NETTE S PROVIN 85 THE RESURRECTION OF BROTHER WASHING TON 100 How HE CAPTURED A BUCK 1 1 1 His BALKING MULE 122 His LITTLE PREACHER 129 Miss KITTY 138 THE EXAMINATION 163 " Ho, EVERY ONE THAT THIRSTETH" 170 THE MASCOT MULE 173 THE GHOST THAT SAVED THREE FLUSHES 182 THE ORIGIN OF THE COON : 194 THE NERVOUS GOATS 201 A CONTEST IN THE KING S ENGLISH 209 PHOSPHATE IKE 213 THE RECONSTRUCTION OF MARSE GEORGE 222 (5) CONTENTS PAGE His FIRST KLU-KLUX 23 1 AT THE FAIR 238 OLD PUNCH 248 How Miss CELESTE SOLVED THE NEGRO PROB LEM 255 How JENNY McGREW CAME TO HER OWN 268 How HE RODE IN AN AUTOMOBILE 285 UNCLE WASH ON THE PANIC 294 HOW BlGBYVILLE WENT DRY 3OI UNCLE WASH ON GAMBLING 307 How UNCLE WASH MARRIED THE WIDOW 317 ILLUSTRATIONS UNCLE WASH Frontispiece PAGB HOLDIN DE SQUIRMIN Fox AT ARM S LENGTH 58 THE OLD MAN WAS MAKING THE BANJO HUM 138 THEN HE PINTED His BONY FINGER AT KIT. 236 FUR I WAS TOO ASTONISHED TO GlT OuTEN DE WAY 30 <5 SIS CA LINE S ENTICEMENT WHEN I get particularly blue, when life becomes a burden and there seem to be more valleys of gloom in the world than sunshiny hilltops, I send for Uncle Wash. In a limited sense, I may as well admit, the old darky is my partner. He lives in a little cabin on my place and raises turkeys and pigs for me, as he expresses it, "on de sheers." It is true, when the dividing time comes, my part of the turkeys has generally died of the "limber neck" and my pigs have gone the cholera route to that bourne so often men tioned. But I believe in the old man, and his solemn explanation, when I call for a division, that "dat am de dispensashun uv proverdence, sah, so fur as yo part am consarned," is, to be sure, very comforting and helpful. Perhaps the truth is, I love the old man for his quaint, inexhaustible fund of mirth-producing stories, and the fact that he is the last leaf upon the tree of a civilization that has passed away forever. In truth, the old man is different. Body servant of a distinguished Southern gentleman, and associating with the best there was of the Old South, he had absorbed much, both of mannerism and of life, that the common field negro of his race knew not of. He is different a type that has passed but a quaint mirror of the rare old times that passed with him. And so the old man and I jog along in this one-sided partnership this partnership wherein I fall heir to the (9) io -UNCLE WASH" debit and he to the credit account of the ledger, until death .shall come in and wind it up forever. Perhaps, too, I know that the account is not always against me; for many of his quaint old stories of ante bellum days, of chivalrous men and beautiful women, of a civilization as proud, gentle and refined as the world has ever known, linger with me in my working hours, and easily offset the losses from the turkey crop and the pig failure. "Now I want the best you ve got," I said to him the other night, "and spin it out as long as you please for I want to laugh till bedtime." "To be sho , to be sho ," said the old man, thought fully, as he lit his pipe and adjusted the copper wire he always wore around his neck for the rheumatism. "Did I ever tell you bout de enticement uv Sister Ca line Hunter?" But I knew the old man s ways, and that I was not expected to answer that question. So I merely lit my cigar, snuffed out the taper against the mantle, before which we sat facing a blazing hickory fire, and said nothing. "Sister Ca line was a grass widder," went on the old man, "and I tells you right now, dat whenever a man hooks up wid er grass widder an den specs ter git off wid sumpin mor n a blind bridle on, all I s got ter say is, he s struck er mighty cold wind in de back stretch fur er fas mile. "It was in de Krismus times uv forty-fo an , kordin to my custom, I had saunt my wife Dinah down inter Giles County ter see her mother. I s SIS CA LINE S ENTICEMENT n bin marrid meny years, an I s allers made it a pint ter sen my wife off at least once a year fur de benefit uv my health," he winked. "Sum say de way fur er man to enjoy puffeck health am ter take callermul in de spring-time an er outin in de fawl; but de bes thing I urver foun fur my tickler constertushun am to let my wife, Dinah, take bofe de callermul and de outin , an kinder leave me free ter circumnavigate de high seas uv matrimonial konsolashun, an look arter de widders uv de church, es St. Paul enjines us decuns ter do. "So es soon es I got Dinah off, for de benefit uv my health, es I was sayin , I lowed ter give er party fur two, an ax Sis Ca line Hunter; but dat very night I tuck sick wid whut dey all thort wus yaller fever. But when Br er Mixpill Johnson cum an look at me, he say, No, sez he, you ain t got yaller fever, but you is got black fever, an you s got it mighty bad, an ef you don t send fur Sis Ca line Hunter to nuss you twell Sis Dinah cum home, you gwin ter die an die mighty hard! "Now, Sis Ca line, she wus er mighty ligus oman mighty ligus. Allers talkin bout bein perpared fur de summons, an ready to go when de wurd wus given , an wearin de robe uv white fur de comin uv de angel/ an listenin fur de toot uv de horn, an all dat. But when she cum in, thinkin I had yaller fever, she jes did squeeze into de door an tuck her seat way off in de corner, an sot dar lookin at me wid one uv dose furerway ligus looks, sorter lak she was Moses an I was de promised land! Lor , but ain t er grass 12 "UNCLE WASH" widder on to de gait uv dis wurl? She jes sot dar sateful lak, an ax me how I felt, an ef I wus perpared ef de angul called, an ef I felt de proach uv eny black shadders, an all that. But I knowed how ter manage dat, and I sez: Sister Ca line, de proach uvde black shadder am jes whut I s longin fur. Can t you move up yur cheer er leetle closer? It strikes me dat fur er oman es ligus es you is, you certiniy am mo feerd uv death den enybody I ever seed ! "She seed I wus onter her game, an she laf an say: O, Br er Washington, you so sateful! But she focht her cheer up all de same, an I hed jes got her leetle han in mine, an wus axin her ef she wouldn t be a sister to me whilst Dinah wus away, when who should walk in but ole Parson Whooploud, an den an dar he cuse me uv de enticement uv Sister Ca line Hunter! " Den Sis Ca line she tuck to weepin an wailin , an* de parson he lowed he gwine bring de whole thing up fo de church, sides sendin er speshul messenger arter Dinah. Up to dat time, sah, I don t think I had eny fever; but when I heurn dat news my pulse went up to one hundred an forty in de shade, an den I seed dat I d played on a ten-ter-one shot an lost all cept my honor. " But de naixt day de parson cum round an lowed dat he d bin prayin over de thing, an axin fur heav enly guidance, an dat de missionary society wus er leetle short uv funds, an dat ten dollars on my part would he p oil de machinery uv de church mightily, an go er long way t word easin de conscience uv de SIS CA LINE S ENTICEMENT 13 saints; an* dat ef it wan t forthcomin* at once, he reckon things ud hafter be lowed ter take dar cou se, includin de speshul messenger fur Dinah. "Wai, sah, it tuck all my tater crap, but dat wus better n Dinah gettin holt uv it an takin all my ha r! "But it didn t end dar; in erbout er week he cum over an say dat he dun prayed fur heavenly guidance ergin, an hitseemterbededispensashunuvproverdence dat de way uv de transgressor am hard, but bein as how de fund fur super-numerous preachers wus mighty low it would take erbout five dollars to ease up de conscience uv de church on dat p int! Dat tuck all my terbacco crop, an I say ter myse f, sez I, fur ever ounce uv fun er man has in dis wurl, he pays er pound uv penetence ! "Wai, sah, you think dat ole hypercrite didn t cum over ergin next week, an talk erbout de conscience uv de church bein so hurt dat nuffm but my silver watch ud ease it? Den de naixt thing dat went to po oil on de troubled waters wus de speckled shote, an den, arter he dun got all he cu d, an me so skeered all de time I cu dn t sleep fur fear it ud git out, I hope I may die ef he didn t have me read out in de church fur de enticement uv Sister Ca line, ennyhow! "Wai, I seed de only thing I cu d do wus to go dar an make a clean breast uv it. I know d I hadn t done nuffm wrong, nur Sister Ca line, neether, an hit gin ter dawn on me dat sumtimes de false proffits uv dis wurl has a way uv playin on de conscience uv fools in de name uv de church fur de benefit uv dey own pockets. But all dis time I manage ter keep de proceedin s frum 14 -UNCLE WASH" Dinah by sendin he" vrrrl r/ci 1 cUv *u. ^a:ir> my undyin luv, an how me an de chillun wus jes pinin fur de sight uv her. Ef you want ter keep yo wife away all winter," winked the old man, "jes make her b leeve you can t git erlong widout her, dat de uner- verse done stop waggin sense she left, an dat whut s left uv it am er black an dismul void. Dar s lot uv human nacher in de best uv wimmin an dey mighty nigh sho ter be allers anx us to gin you jes whut you don t want. "So Dinah jes saunt me back de wurd dat she wus havin a mighty good time down dar in er distracted meetin , an fur me ter take keer uv de chilluns an behave myself. An dat wus one time dat I prayed dat dat distracted meetin might go over twell July, bringin in de sheaves ripe onto de harvest. Wai, sah, es I thort, de parson soon let it all out, an my miz ry commenced. I orter made a clean breast uv it at fust, an faced de music. But I s allers noticed dat a fool allers does in de end whut de wise man do in de begin- in . Ef you sow tho ns you better be keerful ter wear your brogans ! "Dar wan t er nigger on de place wid blue gums in his head an chicken feathers in his hair dat wan t too much uv er gentleman ter speak ter me. Ole Sis Sally Ann, dat I hugged twell she wus too ole ter be huggable, fused ter speak ter me. An Betsy, de yaller gal in de house, dat I kissed from Genesis to Revelashuns, turned up her nose at Sis Ca line. Ole Br er Peter, dat hed stole all ole marster s hams, dat fawl, hilt a special prayer meetin fur my convershun, an Parson Whoop- loud cu dn t hear my name widout crossin hisse f, SIS CA LINE S ENTICEMENT 15 spittin twice in a cross-mark in de road, an sayin de Lord s prayer back ards to keep off devils. An all uv em sed I wus a walkin pesthouse, an a pair uv Sodums an Gomorrers in brogans. * Dis am a queer ole wurl, soliloquized the old man, * allers ready to giv de glad hand to de devil in disguise, an de marble heart to de angul wid a spot on his gyarments. Born a fraud, mankind luvs ter be hum bugged. Ef you wanter work im you must flatter im, an ef you wanter use im, you must fool im, and if you wanter skin im you must jine his church an call im brother. " But all dat time I was sendin luv messages ter Dinah an hopin sumpin would break de connecshun in de grapevine telegraph twixt me an Giles County. "Wai, sah, I don t kno whut I d done ef Marse Henry hadn t cum home frum college bout dat time. He wus erbout seventeen years old, an es full uv mis- cheef as he cu d be. Did you urver kno dat boy, Marse Henry Young?" "Not the present judge of the Supreme Court?" I asked. "De same de same. Allers brainy an full uv mischeef, an de best lawyer ter gin advice in a close place I urver seed. Wash, he say, when I tole im, you am er ole fool an no mistake. But ever body learns to shave on a fool s beard, an it s good for you. All men are divided into two classes, de caught an de oncaught. Now, you jes go over to de church meetin , hold your tongue, look pius an penertent, an leav de rest ter me. 16 -UNCLE WASH" Befo I m through wid em you will find out dat a man ain t no wussern his neighbor, arter all. "Wai, sah, when de night cum fur de trial uv my decunship an de enticement uv Sis Ca line, ever body wus dar cept Dinah, thank de Lord. Sis Ca line wus dar in mournin fur her first husband, er man dat hed bin mighty nigh ter me mighty nigh. She had on her white cap an kep er white handkercher up ter her eyes mighty nigh all de time, an kerried a bottle uv hartshorn an bear s oil in her han ter be handy when she fainted. Two sisterin stood on each side uv her ter be reddy to hold her when she keeled over. All de sisterin wus mo or less round her, fannin her when she looked faintyfied an sayin , To , innercent angul! ever time she d weep. But na ar one uv em ever cum nigh me! But dat s alright , sez I ter myse f, dat s one uv de ways uv de wurl ; an whenever de devil weeps an say he sorry dar s allers sum fool ready ter wanter lend im a pair uv angels wings! "Den dey had a long prayer in which Br er Whoop- loud pertishuned de throne uv grace, most sarchin ly, not ter visit de wrath uv Sodum an Gomorrer on de whole church an kommunity bekase uv one reperbate, but to spar him bekase uv de yudder hundred or mo saints, dat allers walked in de true way an lived in de light an wus so pius an good dey only need assenshun robes an er gentle lift ter go right up to glory! "Den dey all sung: " While de light holds out ter burn, De vilest sinner may return/ " SIS CA LINE S ENTICEMENT 17 "Den my miz ry commence sho nuff ; for while dey sing dis, de way dey piled hit onter me wus scan lus. Dey formed er ring an walked all roun me, singin , an ever now an den sum ole sister ud look over at me an say: To sinner, better cum to de cross! An ernur r one would crane her ole neck, an say: Heaben he p his ole sateful heart ! An er young black buxum sister ud eye me sorty diserp intedly an say: Mussy me, but I nurver spected it wus in im! Den dey would all git roun Sis Ca line an say: To , soiled dove, dat flew inter de nest uv de fowler! " But wusser miz ry wus in sto for me when Br er Whooploud riz ter preach his sermon on my sins. He tuck fur his text : An de devil tempted de proffit in de wilderness, an de wolf enticed de lamb frum de folV An den he lit onter me in a way dat ud shake de faith uv Moses. De gist uv it all wus dat I wus wussern de devil hisse f, an when he got on dat subject he sho did make it hot. You d er thort de devil wus right dar in dat house, an he preached bout im so you cud smell de brimstone es fur away es de back benches, whilst he made it so hot it actually singed de hair on de heads uv de niggers in de front pews. He preached an he preached, an when he wound up he sez: Brud- derin , dar ain t but one thing left ter do, an dat is fur de devil ter cum in an claim his own ! "Now, boss, you kno er nigger jes nachully b leeves in de devil, an dat he am er bein , walkin an prowlin round o nights, seekin fur bad niggers lak er sheep- killin dorg fur black sheep. An dis sermun had em worked up to de right pitch fur de thing dat cum next. i8 -UNCLE WASH" Dem words wan t no mor n outen at preacher s mouf befo dar wus a great kommoshun in de church do , an er deep voice, lak outer a yearlin ca f, sed: " Yas, an I s er-comin ! An , fo dey all know d it, in walked de devil, sho nuff, lookin turrible in de dim light uv de one candle in de church, but fetchin erlong his pitchfork, an his horns an hoof an forked tail, an he wus a blowin smoke frum his eyes an mouf an nose. He locked de only do behind im es he cum an walked right up to de pulpit. Bre r Whooploud wus in it, but he never stop to spute de quallerfacashuns uv de candidate, nur de p int uv possesshun, nur ter give im de right hand uv feller- ship. He jus looked at de devil once, his ole eyes bulged out, an lit up lak er oyster sign in a black night, an es he jumped fur de winder he yelled: Lord, save me, a miserbul sinner! "Boss, you ve heurn tell uv de devil breakin loose in Georgy, but ef you d bin dar dat night you d er seen im in Tennessee. Men fainted, wimmen hed fits, an de chilluns jes went inter er kommertose state an stayed dar. Dem dat wan t so badly paralyzed dey cu d use dey legs, made a rush fur de only winder in the house. But ole Aunt Fat Fereby, dat weighed fo hundred an sixty pounds, who happen to be settin next to it, got dar fust an started through without cal- culatin on de rotundity uv her corporosity. Of course, she got stuck betwixt de jice an de winder sill, an shut off de air an de exit at de same time. An dar she stuck wid her legs flyin lak windmills, an tryin ter kick de roof offen de house, go through or bust! SIS CA LINE S ENTICEMENT 19 "But de devil wus mighty quiet lak, cept he kept blowin smoke frum his eyes an mouf an nose. We cu dn t see im good, es he sot dar in de pulpit in de shadder, but he did look nachul, ter be sho , an I lowed ter myself it wan t de fust time he d bin in de pulpit. Den he lifted a voice lak a yearlin ca f ergin an sed: " Ts cum fur my reckonin . Enybody dat moves or tells me a lie will die. Render unter me de reckurd uv yo transgresshuns as I p int my pitchfork at you/ "Den he p inted his pitchfork at Br er Whooploud de fus one, an looked at im wid his turrible eyes, an ole Br er Whooploud groveled on de floor, an cried: Marse Devil, hav mussy on me! I m a chicken thief, a blackmailer an a hypercrite, an I s hugged ever* widder in de church/ "Den he p inted his pitchfork at Betsy Ann, an she tole how she d stole ole Mistis yaller bowl an* teaspoons an ever thing else she cu d git. Ole Aunt Sally Ann fessed up an sed she wus too mean ter liv, dat she d run off wid ernur r oman s husband frum Ferginy. At dis ole Aunt Polly chimed in an sed: Marse Devil, I ain t nurver dun nothin much mean- cr n stealin cold vittles frum de white folks, but I s bound ter f ess I s bin in sum mighty tight places whar I didn t hav de grace ter git out easy! " Dat s me dat s me, now! " shouted ole Aunt Fat Fereby, es her legs still flew round an round dat winder sill. Even Sis Ca line fessed up an sed she d cum over ter my house dat night to entice me, but I d got dar fust. 20 -UNCLE WASH" "Wai, sah, when he made em all fess up but me, he shook his pitchfork round his head, sloshed his tail, an sed: But fur one godly, innercent man in dis here den uv sinners, I d take you all wid me ter-night. Br er Washington, he say, stan up an show em de face uv er hones man ! "Den es I riz de devil walked out jes lak he cum in, an when he wus gone, I tell you, boss, dey cum mighty nigh settin me up an worshippin me, es dey did de golden ca f uv ole. Dey lected me Pas Gran Marster uv Righteousness, Keeper uv de Seal uv Faith, an Holder uv all de Excheckers Widders dat cum inter de church. " An dar wan t a chicken missin on dat plantashun fur er year! "De next day me an Marse Henry went fishin an* when our boat wus way up de lake I la f an say ter him: "Marse Henry, jes tell me how in de wurl you done it!" "Marse Henry la f an say: Easy ernuff, sez he; dem horns an hoof an tail you ll fin up in de tan- house lof on de raw-hide uv de red yellin calf. An all dat smoke wus jes er good cigar I wus smokin under dat ole dough-face. No , sez he, all mankind am divided into two classes de caught an de on- caught. De next time don t you git caught, and he flung out his line an pulled in a speckled trout. Arter a while he sez: " But, Wash, did you see de Whooploud s eyes? An den we bofe laugh twell dat boat lakter turned over in dat lake." BR ER WASHINGTON S CONSOLATION "Sat day night my wife died, Sunday she was buried, Monday was my kotin day And Chewsday I got married. " WHENEVER I heard the old man singing I knew he was in a reminiscent mood and so I put down my book and went out to the barn, where he was build ing a pen to put the fattening Berkshires in. For a month these slick rascals had been running in the ten- acre lot planted in corn and, at the "lay-by plowing/ sown in peas, all for their especial benefit. The corn had nearly ripened and the peas were in the pod; and now, day after day they had wallowed in the water of the ten-acre field branch or torn down the tempting corn stalks or eaten the juicy peas till their tails had taken on the two-ring curl of contentment and they had grown too fat to run in so large a lot. "An now dey must be put in de parlor," said the old man as he proceeded to build their pen, "an fed on variashun cake an punkins. Fust er good dry pen, bilt on er solid blue lime-rock, ef you so forchewnate es to live in Middle Tennessee, an ef you don t liveheah," he half soliloquized, "jes bild it in sum mud hole an be dun wid it, fur you ain t gwin ter fatten your horgs nohow ef you don t live in Tennessee," he said, with a sly wink. " Den, arter you gits the pen bilt, bring up a (21) 22 "UNCLE WASH" load uv yaller punkins to sharpen up dey appletights an start em off right; den plenty uv dis year s cohn wid er sour-meal mash ever now and den to keep em eatin good, an den, chile, long erbout Krismus time jes set your mouf fur spareribs an sawsages e yum, yum, yum" and he wiped the corner of his mouth suspiciously." "Ole Naper cum to my house I thout he cum to see me, But when I cum to find him out, He s swade my wife to leave me," he sang again. "I ll tell you, sah," he laughed, " I can t see what fatnin horgs hes got to do with marryin , but dat s what de aixpectashuns uv dis horg-pen remin s me uv ennyway bout de time I was kotin Unk Peter s widder, way back in fifty-fo ," he added reflectively, "an de hard time I had gettin eny konsolashun from dat ar oman. I tell you, sah, it ain t easy to git eny konsolashun from er widder not nigh es easy es it am frum er gal. Huh!" he ejaculated, derisively, "folks say it am, an dat all widders jes watchin out fur er chance to git marrid ergin, but you jes try to git er widder to say yas she ll jes play erroun an play erroun de hook, and fus thing you know she s off, an dar you looks an lo ! dun swallered de bait yo se f. " " Befo my wife died, " said the old man, as he ran his thumb down his hatchet-blade, " I useter think I d nuvver wanter git marrid eny mo , an I had de mos BRE R WASHINGTON S CONSOLATION 23 dispizerble contemplashuns fur dese ole fools dat go rippin erroun , dyein dey ha r an writin poltry to de moon befo dey fus wife s feet git cold good! Hit s all right fur er young man to do dat he jes nacherly jucy an he can t he p hisself. But dese ole fools whut de hot sun uv matremony dun dried up, an de trials of chillun-raisin dun tuck de foolishnes outen em an monkey-shines uv mothers-in-law dun kill em in de home-stretch I tell you, sah, when I see sech men as dese, dat has passed fur forty-odd years as sober, senserbul men in de kommunity whar dey lives, all at onct begin to git gay an boyish ergin, er snortin in de valley an er clothin dey neck wid thunder, an er hollerin kerhonk, kerhonk, kerhonk to de captins, an er shoutin , an er gwine round wantin to fight de man-in-de-moon kase he happen to peep into dey lady-luv s winder, it jes makes me wanter go round de barn an hug sum ole gray mule fur konsolashun! "Whenever er ole man s luv begins to take on er secon growth, it am den dat de anguls in heaven per- pares to shed dey tears. Why, sah, I s seed ole fellers hav rumertizn an hart-failure so bad dey cudn t creep to dey fus wife s fun ral, but de naixt time I d see em, Gord bless yo soul, honey, dey be runnin erroun at sum pickernick, fetchin water frum de spring ever five minutes fur sum sixteen-year-ole gal, cuttin watermilions fur her, an tryin to meander off in de shady woods and pull up all de hart s-ease dat grows in er ten-acre woods lot! De rumertizn all gone, ter-be-sho , and de hart-failure dun turned into head failure, bless de Lawd! 24 "UNCLE WASH" "Dat s whut I thout, sah, but bless yo soul, honey, my wife hadn t bin dead er week befo I got up one mornin an all onbeknownst to myself I foun myself blackin my shoes! Cudn t he p it to save my life, sah jes had to do it. De naixt day, sah, tirely unbeknownst to de state ov my naturality, I kotch my self in de act uv puttin h ar-oil on my hair, cinnermun- draps on my handkerchief, an pullin off de eel-skin gyarters I dun bin wearin forty years fur de rumertizn. No mo rumertizn fur me; er man nurver hes rumertizn arter his wife dies leastwise," he whispered, know ingly, "not twell he marries ergin an den he hes it so bad he can t cut stove-wood fur her/ "In er week dis zeeze tuck me so komplementry I gun ter roach up de ole muel, fix up de buggy, an whitewash de cabin. Dese am allers de fus simptums, sah. I s knowed sum ole fellers to make dey house go widout paint fur forty years, but jes es soon es dey wife dies, jes watch em an see ef de fus thing dey don t do am to paint up dat ole house lak dey tryin to ketch er angul huh ! better had er painted it er leetle fur de fus po angul arter dey fooled her inter hit! " But de simptums come on me, sah, thick an fas , an fore goodness, sah, by Sunday I had it so bad it broke out in spots all over me, wid gradual risin uv de temperchewin , dryness in de region uv de sal- vashun glands, an complete p ralersis uv de pizzer- rinctum uv de sense-bumps ! Gord, boss, I was mighty nigh insenserbul! "It all seemed lak er dream to me, an I can t tell zactly whut I did do. I seemed ter be walkin in er BR ER WASHINGTON S CONSOLATION 25 gyarden whar golden roses bloomed on peppermint candy vines, an coon-dorgs wid diamon eyes wus treein solid silver possums up in de simmon trees! "I tell you, Marse John, I wanted to marry! An* de fus thing I knowed, me an dat ole muel wus gwine in a peert trot up de road t words de cabin uv Sister Ca line Jones, Unk Peter Jones widder. I felt sorter mean, an I disremember sayin to myself: Heal, you go, Wash, arier all yore good revolusluns, de biggest fool in de ban waggin. As I rid off, I seed dat young mis- cheevus Mistis uv mine, Miss Charlotte, God bless her! an she called out to me kinder mad lak, an sed: Unkle Wash, I think it s a shame you ain t put on moanin for Aunt Peggy. The way you are dressed, ennybody d think you are gwine to er ball! Lor bless your sweet soul, Miss Charlotte, sez I, don t hav ter put on moanin lak de white folks; it am already dar, an mo dan skin deep, too/ I sez. I bin moanin for Peggy ever sense I marrid er, I sed, an now is my time for rejicement, Miss Charlotte, an I gwin ter rejice. Sides dat, I sed, whilst I s moanin , all my things gwine to rack, an de chillun s got nobody to take keer uv em an sumpin nuther sho gwin ter happen, Miss Charlotte/ "Miss Charlotte bleege to laf, an old Marster he spoke up an say, Let im erlone, Charlotte. Can t you see de ole fool has got it? Go on, you ole idjut/ he sed to me, an marry sumbody an git back heah termorrer wid enuf sense in yo haid to run er straight furrer fer de fall plowinY An wid dat I lit out. "Now, Unk Pete an me, sah," he explained, 26 "UNCLE WASH" " belong to de same church de Candle Light an to de same lodge de Ainshunt an Honorbul Order uv de Bow-legged Sons uv de Black Cat an course I ain gwi marry his widder now an spile sum moral obser- vashun, so I jes stopped at his cabin to git his consent fur me to marry his widder. "Get his consent?" I asked. "Why how could you get his consent if he was dead?" " Who sed he wus dead? " said the old darky, quickly. "I nurver sed so; I sed she wus his widder!" I tried to explain to him that a man couldn t have a widow unless he were dead, but this only made him throw back his head and laugh heartily. "Wai, wal, wal, white folks got such curious ways uv thinkin . Who d urver thout it? You see," he said very solemnly and impressively, "It wus dis way: Unk Peter wus gittin ole, an went off contra- wise to de doctrine an marrid dis young oman. Furst thing he know, he waked up sum mohnin an find hisself de father uv ten chilluns, sum uv em his n an sum uv em her n, by her fus husban , an dar he wus gittin so ole he cudn t s port em. So up he jumps an at de naixt meetin uv de church he runs fer de oflfis uv Patr ark uv Santerfercashun, which, kordin, to de doctrine uv Hollerness, marrid im to de church. Course arter Unk Pete gits santerfercashun an marrid to de church, he cudn t hav eny uder wife, so he hafter put Sis Ca line an de chilluns aside, which made all uv dem de widders uv de church. Don t you ketch on to de doctrine, suh?" I told him I caught. BR ER WASHINGTON S CONSOLATION 27 The old man was silent as if in deep thought. Then he said: "I wus young den, an bleeved ever thing erbout de church an de doctrine I ever heurd, smelt or dreamed, but I am older now, an I s cum to de pinted konklushun dat when er man or er oman gets santerfercashun , one or two things done happen to em : Either de fiahs uv youth dun played out in de bilers uv dar natral swashun de ole Adam in em jes peg out from ole aige or else dey am layin low, Br er Possum, fur de slickes game dat ever wus played. I s kinder notis d we all nacherly gits better es we gits older, enyway, an when we gits so ole we can t sin no mo , we mighty nigh good-fur-nuffin . An dars whar de patr arks uv ole had it on to de res uv us," said the old man knowingly. "Jes let de good Marster let me live heah erbout seben hundred years longer, an jes watch me set back an view unconserned de fleetin vanerties uv dis life. " Br er Peter wus in deep prayer when I rid up to his cabin, an* arter he riz up from his knees he blessed on de top uv my observashun, giv me de grip uv de Ain- shunt an Honorbul Order uv de Bowlegged Sons uv de Black Cat, an lowed he d lak ter tak off my sandals an wash my feet; but I tole im I jes wash em bout er month befo an didn t hav no time fur foolish ness; dat I cum to dis cabin fur konsolashun an den I jus got offen dat muel an plowed a straight furrer uv facts down de row uv his head: Br er Peter, sez I, de doctrine uv our church teach us it am not good fur er man wid er dozen chilluns to liv erlone on one side uv er plantashun, an er nice, seekin lookin widder 28 "UNCLE WASH" oman wid ten mo to liv erlone on de yudder side. In union dar am strength, in numbers dar am pros perity, an in Duteromety dar am happiness. Br er Peter, I wants ter marry Sister Ca line/ sez I. She am yo widder an de widder uv de church, but you know yourself she ain t had no sho tall jes ha f a marrid life an er house full uv chilluns ten uv em, all needin sum lovin father s gidin arm, wid er hickory attachment, whilst my twelve ur fifteen all need de spirtool keer uv er good muther ercompament. De cotton pickin seezen am most on us, an if I kin jine our forces I ll hav er lead-pipe cinch on de cotton crap uv Tennessee to say nuthin bout de fo teenth mendment to de skule law fixin de pro ratter uv all householders raisin twenty or mo widin de skule aige. " I tell you, sah, Br er Peter tuck the thing mighty hard, mighty hard. He didn t wanter do dat thing tall. But arter he dun prayed over it, he cum out wid er new light in his eye, an he put his hand on my head an bless me an say, Br er Washington, I s prayed over it. It am de will uv de Lord. Lite on dat muel an seek your konsolashun. Go in an receive de sanshun uv her retenshun an de kompli- ment uv her adorin . And he kinder wink his off eye an sed, Go in an win, fur you am de Samson uv love fightin de Phillustines uv matrermony; but when you cum to git konsolashun from er widder an dar he wink hes eye ergin use de same weepun dat Samson used an victory am yourn. " But when I got to de widder s cabin an tole her great Scott, sah ! she tuck it turribul hard. She didn t BR ER WASHINGTON S CONSOLATION 29 wan marry tall. Leastways she made meb Ieeveit. Hit s jes es I tole you, sah; you hafter wrastle mighty swift fur konsolashun when you goes to marry a widder. Br er Washington, she sez, Mis am so suddent, so suddent! Don t you think you d be satisfied ef I d continue in de sisterly relashuns uv de church wid you?" " Sister Ca line, sez I, sorter detarmined lak, Ts had ten ever day sisters all my life en sum seven hun dred Sunday ones. What I now wants am one wife! "Oh, I tell you, sah, you gotter shoot mighty close fur konsolashun when you wants ter marry a widder! "We kept it up for hours, she argyfyin an me argy- fyin , she prayin an me prayin . I tell you, she wus er speedy filly, an she had no noshun uv quittin . We went round de fus quarter uv de last mile nose and nose argyment ergin argyment, prayer ergin prayer. I thout sho she had me distanced onct when she fotch out de scriptures on me an turned to de twenty-second chapter uv Exerdust an sed: Br er Washington, read fur yo self: Thou shall not afflict any widder or fatherless chile. But I turned over to Timerthy, de fifth chapter an* de third verse, an sez I/ Sister Ca line, whut you read am Ole Testament. It am anshunt histery. Heah am de New Testament, heah am de new doctrine; Honor widder s dat am widders, indeed. "Oh, I tell you, Marse John," laughed the old man, "I sho hung onto de sulky wheels uv her contenshun wid de wings uv my orthor- teries you gotter hav sum speed lef fur de home stretch ef you wants ter beat er widder home ! 30 "UNCLE WASH" "An* so we went, round an round, wheel ergin wheel, an both drivin fur life, she quotin scriptures and argyfyin an me comin back wid Numbers an Duterrumetics an sumtimes things dat wus Rever- lashuns to her! At de half I got her tired, at de three- quarters she quit an jes befo she got to de wire she giv up wid er tired, tangled break, an sed: " Brer Washington, it am de Lord s will. "Oh, I tell you, sah, you got ter use a mighty keen switch uv beseechment in de race ef you wanter lead er widder down de home stretch ! "But goodness grashus!" he said, as if suddenly remembering something. "I d better be buildin dis pen or we won t hav enny sawseges fur Kristmus," and he began to saw energetically. " Hold on," I said, "You never told me whether you married the widow or not. " He looked at me in indignant astonishment "Law, law, law," he said, "white folks got such cu is ideas. In course I did marrid her dat night an tuck er home de naixt day; ain t I bin tellin you whut er hard time I had gettin konsolashun frum dat ar oman?" He sawed vigorously away for awhile, but I could see he wished to tell something else. Finally I said: "Well, go on, I m waiting." He turned around quickly, laid down his saw, laughed, and said: "How de wurl did you know dar was enything else? Bless my life, sah, but de very look uv er white man am er search warrant to de nigger s soul. Ef you bleege ter hab it, heah it am," BR ER WASHINGTON S CONSOLATION 31 he said as he looked slyly around: "I hadn t been married to dat oman but two years befo I had to run fur er offis, too." "What office?" I asked. He grinned sheepishly. "Patr ark uv de Santerfercashun, " he said, "I beat Unk Peter fur dat offis, an got even wid im at his own game," "Lemme tell you, chile," he added, impressively, "two years uv konsolashun frum er widder will make a dead man or a Patr ark outen most ennybody," and he resumed his sawing with a vigor. THE WATERMELON SERMON WATERMELON time is in full blast in Ten nessee now. Ordinarily, the whites in the South cease to eat watermelons after the fifteenth of September, because they know that as soon as the cool nights begin every melon contains a hundred chills. But not so with the darkey. A chill rattles as harm lessly off the armour of his constitution as buckshot from the back of the Olympia. He can absorb miasma like a sponge, and, like it, grow fat as he absorbs. The negro, then, eats his melon until the November frosts kill the vines. And a great treat it is. Did you ever wander over the fields, way down South, after the cotton was all picked, and the November breezes came cool and lad- ened with that delicate, indescribably rare flavor the frost gives when it first nips the mellow-ripe muscadine? You have shouldered your gun and gone out after old Mollie Cotton Tail. It was cool and crisp when you went out, but toward noon it has grown hot again. Flushed and tired, you stop to rest by the big spring that flows from under the roots of the big oak near the cotton field. In the shadow of that oak, half hid in the frost-bitten weeds, you find a little striped water melon a guinea melon, as the darkies call it a kind of a volunteer melon that grows in the cotton every year, the first seeds of which were brought by some Guinea negro, from the coast of Africa, when he first (32) THE WATERMELON SERMON 33 came over to servitude, with silver rings in his nose and ears. And though he failed to bring his idols and his household gods along with him, yet he did not forget the melon of his naked ancestors. Planting it as he hoed his first crop of cotton for a new master, it has never deserted him since, and so, year after year, it comes up amid the cotton, to remind him of the days it grew wild in a sunnier clime. And there you find it this November morning. Boy like, you pounce on it with a shout and soon it is laid open, as red as your first love s lips and as sweet ; and so cold it seems to have been raised in the deep-delved cellars of all the centuries. I am sorry for the boy who has grown to be a man and never, in a November morning s hunt after Old Mollie, had the exquisite sweetness of this satisfying surprise the like of which is not equalled by the sweetness of any other surprise on earth. Every darkey of any standing in Tennessee "gives a treat" at least once in his life. He will stint and econ omize for months to save money enough to invest in watermelons and tartaric acid (the acid makes the lemonade). Then, when the glorious day arrives, Nero, giving free entertainment to the citizens of Eternal Rome, is not in it with that darkey. Hence forth he can get anything in that community he wishes, from constable to presiding elder, while the widows of the church are "his n" by a large majority! I had heard that old Wash was going to run again for the " deaconship of Zion " over in the coon district of Big Sandy, and that he was going to give his annual treat. 34 "UNCLE WASH" These had always passed off beautifully and ended in the unanimous election of the old man to the office, and anything else he wanted. I thought it was all over and entirely harmonious until he came in the other night, looking like Montejo s flag-ship after Dewey s ten-inch shell went through her, "a-rippin out her very innards" as Old Wash himself described it "from eend to eend. " But when I saw the old man, creeping into my library, I was certain he was in the last stages of Asiatic cholera, and I rang the telephone hastily to get my family physician. But he feebly raised his hand, and beckoned me to desist. "No, no, Marse John; he can t do me no good no good," as he feebly sank into a chair. Then he whis pered: "Jes a drap, a leetle drap, on my tongue, jes to let the old man shuffle off dis mortal coil wid a good taste in his mouth. It s all I wants." Under the stimulant of that eternal beverage of moonlight and melody, he revived a little. "What s the matter with you? Anybody been giving you a hoodoo," I asked. "No, no, sah, I I I gin a treat at Big Sandy." "Well, you have given many a treat at Big Sandy. Why should this one make you look like a piney-wood coal-kiln after a cyclone had struck it?" It took another dose from my side-board bottle to put enough life into the old man to make him take any interest in things. Then he brightened up and said: "Dat s jes hit a man may go on doin de same THE WATERMELON SERMON 35 trick year arter year, ontwel it looks lak he cud do it wid his eyes shet, an den at last, if he ain t mighty keerful, hit 11 buck and fling im! De hardes luck, I take it, in dis wurl , is when a man dun shuck de dice uv success ontwel dey seem to bob up at his word, only to play off on him an bust im es his palsied han* shakes em fur de las time." His tears were flowing so freely and his remarks seemed so true and heartfelt, I did not have it in me not to brace him up with another pull from the side board bottle. Then I saw he was ripe and reminiscent, and I lit my cigar, struck an easy attitude, and let him do the rest : "On de Sundy befo de fust Mundy uvde full moon in September," he went on, "cum off de lection fur ziden elder uv Zion, an de next day am de day sot by law fur de lection of jestus uv de peace. So las Sat d y I gin a treat. I axed ever nigger in de deestrict dar, an all de members uv Zion, an* Br er Johnsing wus to preach de water- milion sermon. "Ain t nuver heurd uv de watermilion sermon? Hit s de sermon preached at de feast uv de watermilion jes befo de new moon in September, an it am one uv de doctrines uv Zion to kinder take de place uv de feast uv de Passover mong de Jews only in dis case we don t pass over nuffin , specially de watermilions. Now, hit tain t ever nigger kin preach de watermilion sermon. Hit takes a mighty juicy nigger to do hit, yallar with dark stripes, juicy at de core, full of tears an sweet penertence an* easy laid open by de blade 36 "UNCLE WASH" of grace, an brudder Johnsing am de slickest one I ever seed at it. "Now, dat wus my time to git in my fine Italyun ban , an so I gin it out that hit wus to be my treat, an* I axed all de voters uv de deestrick an all de members uv Zion ter be on han fur de revival uv de speerit an de refreshment uv de flesh. " Cordin to my custom, jes befo de time fur de sermon I had all de watermilions laid out on de grass, one hundred uv de bigges an fattes ones you ever seed. You see, I am constertushunally upposed to long sermons," he winked, "an I knowed dey wa n t a nigger livin c ud preach over ten minnits wid all dem watermilions a-layin dar a-winkin at im an waiting to be led, lak lambs, to de sacrifice. Does you see de p int?" I saw it. "Wai, suh, you orter jes heurd de prayer Br er Johnsing put up it wus short, but mighty sweet. De flavor uv de watermilions seem ter git inter hit, an de roma uv hits juice b iled outen his mouth. Marse John, you ve seed dese kinder preachers dat talks to de good Lord wid all de easy fermileriaty uv a deestrick skule-teacher axin de president uv de skule-board fur what he wants, an wid all de sassy assurance uv de silent partner in a lan -offis bisness, ain t you? Wai, dat s de way Br er Johnsing prayed, an I wus de speshul objec uv his conversashun wid de Almighty dat day. He tole im whut I d dun fur dat com munity, informed im very posertively uv de fac dat I wus a godly man, refreshed His mem ry in a gentle THE WATERMELON SERMON 37 way consarnin sum uv my long-furgotten deeds uv cheerily, an gin Him sum good, brotherly advice on how to git even wid me, an in a measure pay off de debt of gratitude He owed me by makin it His will dat I wus erg in to administer de law uv de Ian , both spiritual an temper l, an fur ernudder twelvemonth ter be de venerbul ram uv de flock uv Zion, to lead His sheep to de fold an by de still waters. Wai, suh, when he finish, mighty nigh ever nigger dar said Amen, an den dey lick dey chops an look sorter dreamy lak over whar de watermilions lay n de col spring branch. "Dis wus my time to spring de s prise uv de evenin on em, dat I d fixed up. An so I riz up wid de most sancterfied look on I cu d git, one uv dem onworthy, miser-bul-sinner sorter looks dat we elders allers carry aroun in our coat pockets along wid our bandanna han kerchiefs fur eny emergency, an I sez: Brud- ders an sistrin, befo we listen to de soulful sermon in store fur our spiritual natures, which Br er Johnsing gwin ter giv us in his ellerquent way, I s sprung a leetle s prise on you, an I wants you all to retire wid me an refresh de innard man a leetle. Brudderin , knowin my onworthiness an de many obligashuns I am under to dis enlightened community uv Christian saints an godly men an wimmen, I s made two bar ls uv ice-cold lemmernade, an you ll find em a- settin , es a big s prise, sez I, on de houn s uv my ox-waggin, in de cool shade by de spring, wid plenty uv tin dippers fur all. We ll now adjourn twenty minnits fur refreshments. 38 "UNCLE WASH" "Wai, suh, you sh ud a heurd de shout! Ef de lection bed cum off den, I d a got ever vote in de deestrick an a fair sprinklin uv sum in all de yud- ders. I went wid em an drunk, too. An we all drunk ter one ernudder s health. I drunk to Sister Ca line, an Br er Johnsing he drunk to Dinah, an de leetle niggers drunk, an de ole niggers drunk, de gals an de boys. I hilt up my dipper an laugh, an sed to Br er Johnsing, Br er Johnsing, here s to you/ sez I, an all dat goes up must go down. An wid dat I swallered down. "Den Br er Johnsing he s mighty funny an he hilt up his n and laugh, an say: Br er Washington, here s to you, sez he, an all dat goes down nurver comes up ergin. An den we all laugh. " But dat wus one time he wus turribly mistaken, es you will see. "Wai, suh, when we all hed drunk enough we went back to hear de watermilion sermon, an den eat de fruit uv whut we heurd. Tain t ever man kin say dat, dat he eats de fruit uv whut he hears; digests de fustly, an de secondly, an de thudly, assimmer- lates in de juicy rime uv de tangerbul thing, de logical konclushun uv de interlecshul fac. An darfore I ve allers sed dat drawin yo konclushuns frum de heart uv a watermilion makes de bes sermon in de wurl . " I b leeve I tole you, dat dat lemmernade wus in tended fur a s prise fur em, didn t I?" "Yes, I believe you mentioned that it was a little surprise of yours in store for them." The old man groaned. "Marse John, fur heaben s THE WATERMELON SERMON 39 sake, annudder drap outen dat bottle! I ll hafter brace up erg in to tell de sorrowin scene dat follers. Thankee, thankee! I m better now, an maybe I kin finish, fur dat lemmernade turned out to be de bigges an sorrerfullest surprise dat ever come down a pike. " Br er Johnsing tuck fur his tex de sermon uv Noah an de ark an whilst Noah wus de man menshuned, hit wus plain dat I was de applercashun. He went on to show dat I wus a godly man, jes lak ole Noah, an dat I wus to de community uv Big Sandy whut Noah wus to Jeerruselum. He was makin it short but er-gwine in two-minnit time, er-pacin lak ole Jo Patchen at er matternee fur er silver cup an wreath uv roses, an* den all at onct he lifted up his voice an sed: Yes brudderin, de waters uv de g-r-e-a-t deep riz up, an de bottom drop outen de clouds; de w-i-n- d-e-r-s uv heaben wus flung open, an de upheaval uv de u-n-e-v-e-r-s-e begun "Dat wus es fur es he got, befo de word upheaval wus outen his mouth, sho nufT, de upheaval did begun. I seed im stop so suddenly he kicked up behind, clap his hands on his stummick an try to bolt fur a locus thicket, but he c udn t he jes turned a complete summerset, athrowin up his immortal soul es he turned. Den I heurd a turrible commoshun in de congregashun, an I look erroun , an ever nigger dar wus in de same fix es Br er Johnsing. Dey wus whoopin , an barkin , and layin out in ever kinder way, an all on em bent on de same thing. An whut dey wus doin to dat groun wus a-plenty! Dey thought dey was pizened an wus gwin ter die, an den sech s archin prayers es 40 "UNCLE WASH" went up to de throne uv grace, mixed in wid moans, an groans, an ice-cold lemmernade dat seem to think hit wus time ter rise erg in and fetch ever thing else frum de grave along wid it. By dis time I wus so stounded I didn t kno whut ter do. I look erroun an I seed dat me an ole Aunt Fat Fereby wus de onlies ones dat wa nt trying to turn inside out. She wus lookin mighty ashy erroun de gills, but she brace hers f up an started out ter raise dat good ole hymn: "How firm a foundation - But she hadn t more n got to foundashun befo her foundashun wus shu k, I seed her gag an double up an start in on: My risin soul leaps up to sing, A song of praise ter day. Bout dat time I felt a tickler kinder mizry in my own innards, an de nex thing I disremember I had Sister Fereby round de neck an we wus singin dat hymn tergedder. Lor ! hit wus awful. I s seed menny a sight, but I nurver expect ergin ter see three hundred an sixty-five niggers throwin up at de same time. When sum on em got dey secon wind dey wanted to lynch me, but by de time dey got erroun to me wid a rope dey cided I wus too nigh dead to need killin , and by dis time dey all had to zamperfly de truth uv de biblical sayin about de dog an de thing he would go back to. By dis time ever doctor in de country wus dar, fetchin all de querrintine offer- cers, an pest-tents, an disenfec-t^nts, an perparin THE WATERMELON SERMON 41 fer chol ra an fever. An den we foun out what ailed us." "In the name of heaven, what was it?" I asked eagerly. The tears rolled down the old man s cheeks as he feebly begged for another drop to enable him to finish his tale. Then he said: "Ain t I dun tole you hundreds uv times it am de leetle mistakes we make in life dat turns de tide? Ain t I? Wai, dat s whut ruined me dat day, an terday I am a man widout offis an widout honor in my ole age. Dat mornin , stead uv gwine down to de sto myse f to get de poun uv tartar acid ter make up dat lemmernade wid, I saunt dat trifflin Jim Crow gran son uv mine, an he got de names twisted, an stead uv fetchin me back tartar acid, he fotcht me back a poun uv tartar emetic, an I didn t do a thing but make up dat lemmernade wid it!" "But, surely, they wouldn t treasure up such a a mistake against you, seeing that you suffered with the rest," I said. "Marse John," said the old man, rising, "how long you gwine ter live wid niggers, an den hafter be tole over an over ergin de same thing? In course, dey didn t beat me fur offis on ercount uv dat fool mistake, but jes lemme ax you, whar is de nigger livin dat gwin ter vote fur eny man dat d lay out a hundred watermilions in de spring branch, let em look at em a hour, an den turn dat nigger s stummick into a green persimmon fur a week? Whar is he, I ax?" And the old man crept feebly out to find him a cheap coffin. A RACE FOR A VALENTINE TT7HEN I looked out over the meadow near my ^ * window the other day, I saw some field larks there. One yellow-breasted fellow, as trim and proud as a race horse in racing form, sat on a clump of sedge- grass, the sentinel of a pretty group of other yellow- breasts who were feeding around. They had left the fields down by the woods early, and I wondered why it was. That night I asked Uncle Wash. "Look heah, Marse John, don t you kno dey am thinkin bout Valentine Day, an how dey gwine mate off by dat day? Hue cum you done forgit dat?" "You don t mean to tell me they are obliged to mate off by that day, whether they wish to or not, do you?" I asked. "In co se I does whuther dey wants to or not. But dey most generally allers wants to. An so does enybody else dat has got eny sense. You ain t nurver heurn tell of any old-maid birds, has you?" "No" I smiled "I have not." "Nor any old-maid niggers, nurther, is you?" I had to laugh outright at this. But upon my life, I couldn t remember ever to have heard of one. The old man chuckled. "In co se you ain t. De nearer you gits to nachur, de happier you gwin ter find folks ull be, an de fewer rules an regulashuns you ll find dey ll hav to go by. It s only white folks dat hav ole maids an ole bachelors. It s only some uv dem (42) A RACE FOR A VALENTINE 43 dat seem to konlude dat de Lord wus kinder off his base when he put us heah wid de nachul instinct fur matri mony in our hearts, an dat ole Marse Noah was talkin through his hat when he told us to be happy and mul- terply on de face uv de yearth. "And does you kno whut s de most buterful sight in de wurl to de ole man?" he asked presently, with some enthusiasm. " Hit s de sight of a beautiful, full- blooded, high-minded young oman, who am nachul an good an treads de yearth lak she know God made her to be queen, sum day, uv some man s home an heart, an de muther uv God-fearin hones men an wimen. "And does you kno whut s de holiest sight in de wurl? Some church steeple, dried up ole maid, or some uv dese heah new-fangled interlecshul wemen, forever sputin bout de laws uv progress, an uglier den a burnt hole in a blanket? No; but hits dat same high-minded gal, when she reign de queen uv her home, an stamps de little gold coins uv her fiah-side wid de eagle uv her nobilerty. "Dat s de holiest thing in de wurl. Dem s de sho nuff coins uv de republic, de bonds uv de realm an* de dollars uv our daddies. " But when it comes to valentines de purtiest one I ever seed wus de one Marse Robert raced fur, way back befo de wah. I don t nurver spec ter see one look lak dat ergin,".,said the old man, enthusiastically.) "De day de race cum off she wus de purtiest picture I ever seed eyes big and black an soft under droopy lids dat sorter shaded em lak de fringe uv de evenin I V 44 "UNCLE WASH" skies when dey close in de twilight dem kinder eyes dat make you think dey don kno whuther dey wanter stay awake an kiss you or go to sleep an dream about you. [ Her black hair wus tucked up unner a plumed hat. One plume fell over on de right an hid her leetle pink year, creepin out like a white rabbit at nightfall from under a huckleberry bush. De yudder plume fell over on de lef an almost hid de yudder year peepin out lak oneuv dese heah leetle white snow-birds wid a leetle red on his wings" and the old man chuckled at the poetical turn he had given to his descrip tion. "And den she had so much hair," went on the old man. "It fell down from unner dat hat, on her shoulders, in great big twisted coils, twisted roun an roun lak a double hank uv fines yarn, an big es de full-mussled forearm uv a Hal filly. Dat s all," he added proudly, " cep a pair uv leetle dimples dat ud make a cloudy day smile out in sunshine, an er leetle cooin laugh dat ud make de pigeons come home to roost, j "Dat was her, Miss Rose, ole Kunnel Rivers daughter, dat Marse Robert had loved ever since he was big nuff to toss her on his pony an ride up de pike. "Now ole Kunnel Rivers was a big gun. He wus Marse Jeems K. Folk s law partner, an de biggest lawyer he wus in Tennessee. He nurver went in for politics much, cept when Marse Jeems ud run for Gov ner or sumpin . Den he d quit his practice long ernuff to fight for his pardner, an when he flung hisself in de shafts uv de political ban wagon sumpin ud have to move or bust. But he nurver would have no A RACE FOR A VALENTINE 45 offis hisself, an when Marse Jeems wus nomernated fur de President, dey say hit wus his speech dat turned de tide an nomernated Marse Jeems. Course when Marse Jeems was lected, de time he beat Marse Henry Clay, he tole de Kunnel he could have enything he wanted, an it ud be saunt him on a silver waiter. But he didn t want no offis at home. He want to rest, he say, an aigucate Miss Rose. So Marse Jeems he saunt him as minister uv de gospel, to carry plenty- in-de-penitentiary to de heathens in Europe. Twas some years befo he cum home, an den Miss Rose look lak I jes tole you bout. Marse Robert he d graduated at West P int, an cum out uv de Mexercan war a captain. He cum home on er furlow dat summer de summer Miss Rose got back from Europe. He ain t tell me, but I knowed he cum for Miss Rose. So de nex night arter he cum, we saddled up an rid over to de Runnel s. Marse Robert went to see Miss Rose, but I went along to make tings lively wid de yaller gals in de kitchen. "When we got dar, Marse Robert jumped offin his hoss an run up de steps fo jumps at a time, jes lak he allus done ever sense he wus a boy, an den I seed im stop, wid dat quick milertary way he had, lak sumbody said: Halt! Fur dar stood Miss Rose at de do* stately an cold es a queen, an de thing dat halted Marse Robert was a furrin bow, an den dis: " Good mornin , Cap n Young. I m pleased to see you ergin! "Befo dat she d allers called him Robert, an he called her Rose. 46 "UNCLE WASH" "Now when it cum to pilin on de dignerty, me an* Marse Robert wus as good as all Europe, an we cu d put it on twell you d think we wus de backbone uv de North Pole hitse f. So Marse Robert he straightened hisse f up, bowed low an sed: " Good evenin , Miss Rivers; allow me to welcome you home ag in. " I soon seed whut wus de matter, for in dat parlor, a settin up dar so nachul you d a thort he owned de hole thing, wus one uv dese heah furrin jukes enyway, he wus a furriner way up in gee in his country, an had followed Miss Rose home and wus gwin fer to marry her. "An hit wus de same way in de kitchen. Dar sot a leetle bandylegged mulatto lookin feller, wearin knee-breeches, an de calf uv his legs lookin lak a corn- fed steer about Christmas time. An* when I went in dar he wus a-settin back an a chawin his cud an a talkin to de yaller gals, an all uv em wus a-puttin on furrin airs an a-talkin furrin talk scan lus. i Now I nurver has been much on furrin langwidge. My mammy allers sed she knowed I cud larn Greek an* sech kase I tuck to our own so nachul. But I s allers wondered whut fo ks wanter larn so many furrin lang- widges fur wid only jes one idee to spress in em all. It s lak a man buyin fo or five diffunt kinder fine kerridges jes to hitch de same little ole mule to.! "Course I thot dat little feller wus a nigger whut fur he sociatin wid niggers ef he wa n t? an arter I looked at im thort I d joke im a leetle, an I sez: Say, nigger, whar d you cum frum enyway, an whut A RACE FOR A VALENTINE 47 kinder bosses is you got in your country, dat sires yaller colts wid flax mane an tails? "Well, sah, dat made im so mad dat he jumped up, cussed round in French, bowed to de gals, an den whutcher reckin dat flax-mane nigger wid de cornfed legs do, boss? Why he challenge me to fight er duel wid im de naixt day at daylight ! Hit made me so mad ! Sez I : Look heah, nigger, ef fightin is whut you want, sez I, a-spittin on my hands an getherin up de meat ax, jest he p yo se f to de butcher-knife an wade in! "Well, sah, I reckin we d a fit den an dar if Clara hadn t cum in. Now Clara wus Miss Rose s maid, an had been wid her to dis furrin Ian. Befo she left she d promised to marry me de very day Miss Rose married Marse Robert. She wus de purtiest kind uv a yaller gal, with curly hair and black eyes an a laugh dat ud start my h art to rabbit-huntin eny day. But heah she cum in, an stid uv kissin me lak she uster do, she lowed I wus a low-bred nigger, not fit to sociate wid qualerty fo ks, an den whut you reckon? Sho nufT, I kno you ain t gwine b leeve it, boss, but she ups an lows dat Flax Mane wan t no nigger at all, but had a family tree, dat his name was Mister Valley, Mr. Juke s Valley, an he wus a furrin gen man an white es Marse Robert wus. An den she stounded me clean out n my boots. She lowed dat she an Mister Valley wus gwin ter marry an go to Europe on a bridle to er, along wid Miss Rose an de Juke, an dat both couples wus now ready for kongratulashuns an bridle presents. "Well, sah, I seed in a minnit how de Ian lay. 48 "UNCLE WASH" Stid of a bridle to er, I felt like takin a paddle to er! De sassy thing! Sez I to de man: " Well, sah, if you wus as good as a nigger I d ax yo pardin, but eny white man dat ll sociate wid a nigger ain t good as a nigger. An den I sez to Clara: An es fer you, wid yo sassy airs, befo me an Marse Robert git thru wid you all, yo Miss Rose will be willin to marry de onliest gen man in dese parts Cap n Robert Young an as for you, you ll be glad ernuff to marry your gran mammy s black cat. De wildgoose fly mighty high, sez I, but I s noticed he allers cum down on de groun at last to roost. De smalles possum allers climbs de biggest trees, sez I, an I s allers noticed de higher de family tree de smaller am de little possum up in de top. "Wid dat I shuck my boot an lit. "Well, sah, hit wus de same way in de parlor, an Marse Robert didn t git no more konsolashun dar den I did in de kitchen. We rid home dat night, an nary one uv us didn t say a word; but I cu d see Marse Robert bitin his mustache sorter nervous lak, an jinglin de spur on his boot, but he didn t say nary word. An to save my life I c udn t hep thinkin uv how pretty Clara look in dat little apron wid her furrin ways, an it mighty nigh broke my h art to think she gwine marry dat scrub. " But Marse Robert wus a thurrerbred an he never sed a word, not even de next week when dey sent out de invites to Miss Rose s weddin . But I notis de spirit all seem to go out uv im he didn t take no intrust in de hosses an twus a bad sign when Marse A RACE FOR A VALENTINE 49 Robert was hurt dat way. But he wus game, an de fust thing he done wus to give a swell dinner fur all de young people to meet Miss Rose an de Juke. Den it wus our time to shine, an bless yo soul, honey, we sho did cut de pigeon-wing. De Juke had fotch over two thurrerbred English hunters to take exercise on, whilst he wus here, an dey wus good ones, too. He rid over to de party on one hoss, an Miss Rose on de yuther, an arter de dinner when he and Marse Robert got to talkin hoss dey all went out to see de Juke s hosses. Marse Robert, lak de gen man he wus, praised de good p ints uv de Juke s hosses, but sed nuffin bout his own. Den de Juke up and sed : Bofe uv dese hosses, Cap n, am sons of Nestor, an dat hoss run secon to Priam when he won de Darby. " Ah! sez Marse Robert, well-bred, capital fellers. I kongratulate you, sah, on havin two sech good ones/ "Den de Juke he wanted to see Marse Robert s hosses, an Marse Robert tole me to lead em out ole Black Bess, an Telula an all de mares an de colts. Wash, sez he, bring out de sire, an I fotch him out, lookin lak de gran hoss he wus, puttin on all his airs, ca se Miss Rose an de ladies wus lookin at im. My! how proud he looks, sez Miss Rose. He steps lak a king. Yesm , Miss Rose, sez I, a-liftin my ole hat, beca se he knows a queen s lookin at im, Miss. "Miss Rose blush an de ladies laugh an de Juke sez: 50 "UNCLE WASH" " Cap n, whut s his name? " Dat s Priam, sah, sez Marse Robert. " De devil you say! sez de Juke. Not de boss dat won de Darby? " De same, sah/ sez Marse Robert; my father imported him. "At dis de ladies all smile, an de Juke turned round spiteful lak on his heels an walk off. "Arter de coffee Marse Robert danced de Ferginny reel wid Miss Rose to show de Juke how it wus done, an ever time he d lead Miss Rose down de Juke ud get mad an show his temper in leetle things. An once when Marse Robert danced wid annudder lady an Miss Rose an de Juke wus talkin in de alcove, I watch Miss Rose an 1 seed she wus lookin at Marse Robert mor n she wus at de Juke. I laugh an say to myse f : God bless you, Miss Rose, you sorter gettin over dat furrin feelin , or I don t kno nuflfm bout signs uv love ! " Den de Juke he got too full uv wine. Our gen man never tuck but one glass when de ladies wus roun , but de Juke he jes tanked up scan lus, an de mo he drunk de bigger fool he wus. He seem to be mad bout sumpin , an arter dinner he sez to Marse Robert, whar Miss Rose wus, dat he d lak ter go on a fox-hunt in dis country to sho de grit uv his hunters. " Til git up one fur you, wid pleasure, sah, sez Marse Robert. " Make hit an all-day run, Cap n, sez de Juke. I wanter sho you yo American bosses can t stay in de race wid our English ones. A RACE FOR A VALENTINE 51 "Marse Robert flushed an* he say: You am my guest, so I cannot reply to dat taunt. But I assure you, it am very hard for me to resist the challenge you fling down/ "De Juke he laugh an sez: Aw, don t stand back on etterket, Cap n. Let us put up a leetle prize fur de winner aw! an race fur it aw! My blood am bilin fur a leetle excitement fawncy! " Wid pleasure, den, since it suits you, Juke/ sez Marse Robert. Friday week am Valentine Day shall we git up a party uv young folks dat day, Miss Rivers? he sez, turnin to Miss Rose. We ll get up ole Slippery Red, de ole red fox dat has been run a hundred times an ain t never been wursted by a pack yit. We ll shet im out from his hole, an make a life an death fight uv it wid him and de hounds/ "An den he tole de Juke all about ole Red, an how no hounds had ever been able to wurst im, no pack could ever ketch im. " Capital aw capital! sez de Juke. Dat ll try our hosses/ "An den he stop quick, look at Miss Rose wid his leetle sharp eyes an say: An de man dat gets de brush gets Miss Rose as de valentine aw? "At dis Miss Rose turn scarlet, Marse Robert flushed, too, an frowned, an his eyes flashed so I thort sho he gwin ter furgit hiss ef an slap de Juke s jaws, as he orter. But des at dat time Miss Rose look up full into Marse Robert s eyes, sorter pologizin an sorry lak, an sorter blushin , too, wid anudder funny kind o look dat come and went lak a flash. But I knowed 52 "UNCLE WASH" what it wus. It wus true love s decision in favor uv de true lover, an she done it vvidout knowin it. But it tuk all de mad outen Marse Robert s face an put a merry beam in his eyes, an he bowed to Miss Rose an sez: K t An whut say de fair lady in de case? "Miss Rose laugh and say: Oh, de Juke must have his way, you know; isn t he our guest? "Den I never see Marse Robert so happy befo . He seem ter fairly bubble over with joy an sperits. He shine lak a star, an his wit wus as keen es a frosty mornin . "De nex mornin he cum out ter me an he sez: Wash, fools talk, but wise men act. Fetch out Priam! "We had been trainin Priam sence Christmas to run in de fo mile race fur de Cumberland Cup. Marse Robert look him over an sez: How hard is he? Marse Robert/ sez I, he is hard as de prongs uv a buck uv ten/ " How much does you weigh? sez he. " One hundred and seventy pounds/ sez I. " Good; dat s my weight; don t train him fur speed eny mo but for distance; gallop him ten miles every day and back ergin; to-morrow I ll tell you de res / " I caught on in a minnit an I sed: My Gord, Marse Robert you sho ain t gwine run dis hoss in a foxchase, is you? Why, he cost us twenty thousand dollars! "Marse Robert looked at me quick an sez: If he A RACE FOR A VALENTINE 53 cost a million, he wud nt be too good to run for the prize he gwin ter run fur! "Well, sah, I gallup dat hoss ever day kordin to orders, an when de day uv de chase come, I b lieve he cu d run cross de State uv Tennessee, from Carter to Shelby, an never draw a long breath. "De whole country turned out to see de chase, cause Old Red had a County repertashun, an dey knowed it was gwin ter be a famous race. All de ladies and gen men wus dar, but none of em knowed what wus at stake cept Miss Rose, Marse Robert an de Juke. "Ole Flax Mane wus dar, mounted on de Juke s yuther hoss, whilst I rid ole Kit, de gray mule. I rid up, an* sez to im: You seem to think you s mounted dis morninV I kno I am, sez he. I m mounted on a son of Nestor. What s dat you ridin ? Ts ridin a son-uv-a-gun, sez I ole Kit de gray mule not much on pedigree, to be sho , but hell on short cuts an gittin dar! An ef you got enything to put up cept your pedigree an your knee pants/ sez I, Til bet dis mule ergin yo mount I ll be at de killin fust. " He looked at me scornful lak an rid off. "Well, sah, hit wus a chase. De air was cool an frosty an de groun jes wet nough for good nosin . You could almost smell de breath uv Nachur, an I b lieve I cu d a run a fox myse f by he scent. We had two packs, cause no one pack had ever been able to run Ole Red down, an we wanted to git im dis time. We 54 "UNCLE WASH" knowed his tricks, an saunt one pack five miles away, up in de Hampshire hills, to be hilt and turned on him fresh, whar he allers dodged de tired-out dogs. Den we put de fus pack out an soon hit de trail. /Ole Red allers let a pack run im bout fo miles fo fun, den he d ether outfoot em to de Hampshire hills and Hickman County, or ef he didn t feel much lak runnin dat day, he d laf at em an dodge em back to his hole in de bluff. But jdis mornin we had put a nigger at de hole, an arter chasin him roun an roun for fo hours, an all widin five miles, he wus seen ter come over de hills an make for his home in de lime-rock bluff. But de man at de hole had stop it up an skeered him off, an den de ole feller knowed he wus in fur de race uv his life, an he shot away to de hills lak a streak uv red fire, wid de hounds in full bay. j Marse Robert and de Juke followed de hounds nose to nose. Dey went over fences, an breasted creeks an cleared ditches, a-ridin lak two demons; but de rest uv us tuck short cuts an rode from hill to hill an watched em. Priam wus pullin on Marse Robert lak a team under lash an wantin to run over de hounds, an de Juke plyin de spur an ridin lak mad. I never seed sech reckless ridin befo nor sense. I cotch up wid em dar an follered em in de hills an rid wid em fur a mile. Ole Kit had got her second wind, an no man ever heard uv a mule makin a misstep. Den de onex- pected happened. Dey had run five miles an de pack was still fresh, an it looked lak dey gwine wind Ole Red up dar. Marse Robert and de Juke was both ridin fur life to be in at de finish, when all at once de A RACE FOR A VALENTINE 55 Juke s hunter went down up to de knee in a ground hog hole, an his rider made a fine turn over his head. I gin a whoop, cause I knowed dat gin de race to Marse Robert. Den I see Marse Robert pull up, jump down an he p him up. De Juke wus all right, but his hunter was dead lame. " Blow yo horn! sez Marse Robert. " What fur? sez de Juke; it s yo race now/ Fur yo other hoss, sez Marse Robert. "De Juke flushed, looked at Marse Robert quick lak and sed: " By God, Cap n, you s white! " Oh, the chase ain t started good, yit! sed Marse Robert; he ll turn soon an race us clear back to his hole in de rock an die dar if we ketch im at all. So mount, an here goes! "Ole Flax Mane had come up wid de yuther hoss an dey mounted an whirled away. Well, sah, de funnies thing happen den. Ole Flax Mane didn t kno as much about Hickman County bogs as he did bout duelin , an es I started off for a short cut - on a lope, I hear im hollerin fur help. When I got dar he had walked squar into a bog, an ef he hadn t got holt uv a big limb dat hung over it, whar he was hangin lak a gray possum, he d been buried right dar, ped igree an all. I sot on de bank, an Ole Kit, an laugh whilst he beg me to he p him out. " No, sez I; but I think I ll cut off dat limb, kase it seem to be hangin in de way uv de hunters. "Well, sah, uv all de tears an petishuns he put up in his parley-voo tongue! It made ole Kit weep! 56 "UNCLE WASH" What ll you gimme/ sez I, ef I show you how to git out? Meester Vashington; oh, Meester Vashington! he sed; Oh, efferyt ing! " Well/ sez I, clime up on dat limb an straddle it. Now gimme dat suit uv huntin clothes you got on. I lak dem brass buttons, an I think dem knee-breeches will jes about fit old Kit. Pull em off/ sez I, an toss em over, an I ll tell you/ "He clime up an shed em quick; dat lef im wid nuffin on but a huntin shu t. Now/ sez I, as I started off, jes foller de limb twell you git to de tree, an den foller de tree twell you git to de ground, an de next time we meet/ sez I, I hope you ll be shorter on pedigree an longer on habiliments/ an I rid off an lef im crawlin along dat lim whilst de cold breeze sung a song thro his only gyarment to help him along. "But de chase on de back track fur home I ll never furgit. Only Marse Robert an de Juke follered de houns. De rest of us jes tuck short cuts from hill to hill an watch em. But Ole Red tuck off over hills an down valleys, cross creeks an woods, an stubble, flinty roads, an holler bottoms, an allers jes behin de pack rid Marse Robert holdin back Priam to keep im from runnin over de pack, hoss an rider lak one, bendin to de stride, straitenin to de jump, plungin wid de leap. "An allers de Juke was dar, but diggin de spurs to his mount lak a red madman. An de two packs wus givin a glowin tongue dat echoed from de hollows A RACE FOR A VALENTINE 57 an* made de blood leap. On dey went, Ole Red in a long lope, scuddin over de ye rth lak de shadder uv a red March cloud cross de sky. Sho nufT, he wus headin agin for his den, to beat de hounds dar, an we cut cross, all de ladies and gen mens, cept Marse Robert an de Juke, to see im at de finish. We heurd em comin long fore dey got to us. Ole Red wus sore an tired an nearly run down. Dey cum in sight on de Dobbins hills, Ole Red headed fur de home he wus never agin to enter. Down Bigby Creek valley he cum, headed straight for us, de houn s boilin outen de ground behind im an de two riders jes behind. Dey struck de creek an flew up de bank but only one rider come up de Juke an he flew along for de finish. " My Gord! sez I, an I looked at Miss Rose settin on her hoss in de group. She was \\hite as de lace roun her neck. I thort she d faint. Den I look agin. Marse Robert had cooly stop an let Priam plunge his nose in de creek waters for three swallows. It flash over me dat de didn t want to be in at de finish. Miss Rose thought it, too, an I seen her reel in de saddle an sorter cry out. On, on, come de Juke. On flew de pack. On loped Old Red. Two dogs outfooted de yuthers, an now run side n side wid de fox, dey heads cocked sideways an eyein Ole Red for a ketch, an de ole fox snappin an snarlin back at em. De nex minnit de hole pack would er bin on im, de Juke right in de bunch an smilin wid a satisfied smile. "Miss Rose sot lak a statue an as white. Ef Marse Robert wus doin it fur revenge, he sho had his fill. 58 "UNCLE WASH" On, on dey come music, howlin , shouts. De Juke had run over de hindmost houns an wus headed for de tired out ole fox, when I seed Miss Rose flush red den she lifted her han an* waved her han kerchief in a little sorter beck nin way to Marse Robert an he cum ! "He d waited for dis all long, an now for de fust time he gin Priam his head, an de game hoss come lak powder afire, an es ef he was winnin anudder Darby. Marse Robert was smilin lak a boy playin a winnin trick. He rode over de hounds lak dey been a barn floor shot past de Juke lak a whirlwind an den I see im do de trick he learned on de plains fling one leg from de saddle, swing down, holdin by Priam s mane, ride squar over Ole Red, pick im up by de nape uv de neck as he passed, den strai ten up in de saddle, an* gallop up to Miss Rose, holdin de squirmin fox at arm s length, whilst her own color come back redder dan Ole Red s brush. " They shan t kill im/ laughed Marse Robert, he s too game to die! "Den he wheeled Priam, rid up to Miss Rose s sad dle, an said: " A merry race, my friends; an ef you ll ride over to my home we ll have a weddin an a dinner Rose an I are goin to marry." "An dat s whut dey done dey sho did!" HOLDIN DE SQUIRMIN Fox AT ARM S LENGTH. HOW UNCLE WASH GOT RID OF HIS MOTHERS-IN-LAW 1WAS telling old Wash the other night that I thought the President was a great man and that if he didn t make any break from now on, as for instance about knocking out states rights and undue blowing about the devilish little Japs who are itching to scrap with us, he would rank among the great pres idents. The old man was thoughtful for awhile, looking into the fire. "Wai, sah, he sho is got all de year-marks a senserble, dermestic wife an no signs uv a muther- in-law. Now, sah, befo eny man kin be great he must fus ax his wife an arter he gits her consent he mus ax his muther-in-law. No man kin be great, don t keer how much bility he s got, ef his wife is in society an his muther-in-law is in de house. You can look all down de line, sah, an when you finds dat combinashun you ll find a man whose growin gourd uv greatness is liable to wilt eny day, like Jonah s, at de fus good jolt it gits. Wid both uv em in society an both in de house, why, Lord, boss, his gourd will nurver even sprout! " Did I uver tell you bout my sperience in dat line an how nigh I cum to missin greatness, all on account uv a few muther-in-laws? It wus a close shave an if I hadn t seed de way de ship wus headed an steered (59) 60 "UNCLE WASH" out from dat combernashun, instead uv bein dat gen - man an floserpher whose pinions you so highly values/ he chuckled modestly, "you d a had a ole nigger fit only fur de woodpile an de blackin bresh." "Marse John," he laughed as he bit off a chew of Brazil Leaf Twist, bred in the hills of Maury, "did you kno the ole man am a Only? The only man dat ever lived dat had fo muther-in-laws at unct driv a fo in-han uv em, so to speak! Oh, I kno what you bout to say, sah but mine wus legitermates, de actu l product uv de law an matremony." "Nonsense," I said, "you couldn t have been married to four women at once, as sly an old coon as you are. Though I did hear Marse Nick Akin say that he knew of his own knowledge that you once had three wives but gave two of them to the preacher if he would make you an elder in his church, which bargain was duly consummated. Oh, I knew you were driving a very long string of tandems, old man, but four abreast? Tell about it." He laughed so loud the pointer jumped up from his bed on the rug before the fire and barked. "Did Marse Nick vi late de conferdence I composed in his veracity?" he laughed again. "Wai, I jis well tell it fur you ll nurver guess how it wus. "Long in de fifties I spliced up wid a likely young widder dat wus de sod-relic uv Br er Simon Harris, a Piscopal brudder up at Nashville. Befo dat she had been de relic of several gen men uv color. Fur a week or so I wus so busy co tin her dat I wa n t very tickler jis whut her entitlements an habilerments UNCLE WASH S MOTHERS-IN-LAW 61 wus, nur jis whut mineral rights an easements went wid de property. Ts allers noticed it s dat a way in de co tin stage an hits a wise dispensashun uv ole Marster to trap us all into matremony an make us blin , lak snakes in August ; an ever one uv us, when he gits his seckin sight arter de entrapment, wakes up to fin dat in de deed to de state uv matremony dar has been passed wid de free-hold a few hererditerments dat he didn t cal culate went wid de Ian . "Sum uv us, uv co rse nurver gits dey seckin sight at all. But he s bohn dat way! "But I ain t talkin uv dem. I s nurver writ a fool s almernac yit! "But I claims I am de only man dat ever got fo muther-in-laws, when I didn t spec to git eny! "Arter a breef but very pinted co tship, in which I done de usual close settin , low layin an tall lyin , I hitched up my team an driv up to Nashville an married Sally. Arter de circus I driv de team round to de door fur to carry her home an I went in fur to pack up her things. I got em all in one big box, fur Br er Simon hadn t been very felicertus in passin round de hat, an when I tuck it out to de wag n dar sot Sally an fo uther ladies all es cheerful an happy as fo ole tabby-cats in a hay loft. " Dese am my muthers, Wash, sez Sally sweetly, an uv co se dey s all gwine to live wid us/ " Look heah, gal, sez I sorter faintly, I ain t nurver heerd uv enbody havin mor n one muther. " Dese other three am jes es dear, sez she, 62 "UNCLE WASH" p intin to de three ole ladies, dat s Simon s muther, dat s mine, an dem over dar "Marse John, I nearly had a fit! Do you kno dat gal had de muthers uv ever one uv her fus husbands dar an claimin dey wus mighty nigh to her ? "Dar wa n t nothin to do but to git a divorcement an es I wa n t quite ready fur dat yit, I made de bes uv it an driv off; but I knowed if dar wus ever a day when I needed sum brains now wus de time. An de three sod muthers, dat wus de entitlement I give to de three muthers uv Sally s dead husbands, dey wus jes plain ole grannies, wid de usual tongue an de perviserty fer huntin up trouble dat wu natu lly predistined fur sumbody else. "But Sally s muther she wus a fine lookin oman, jes a shade heftier an handsumer than Sally so I teched her mighty tenderly an gin her to onderstan dat I fully intended to fulfill to de letter de scrip tul injunshuns nv filial affecshuns. She wus a hefty oman, sah, but she wus es bossy es she wus hansum, es I found out. De day she landed at home, sah, I seed she d sot in to own de place an in two weeks, sah, sides ownin Sally an de sod-muthers, she owned de mules, de cow, de pigs an de farm, me an my ligious convicshuns an perlitical preferment. " But es I wus sayin , she wus a han sum oman ! "Now I s allers willin to be bossed fur a while by a handsum oman, but when it comes to dat batch of ole sod muthers dat looked lak busted bags uv dried apples, dat wus a nurr thing, But I s noticed dar is allers a kin of communercashun mong women folks UNCLE WASH S MOTHERS-IN LAW 63 es to de bossin uv er man. It jis travels by grapevine, or dis here wireless business in de air, to de end dat when one oman kin boss er man all uv em think dey can do it. "An dey think right, only in dis case de thinkin hadn t all ben dun yit. So dey all jes put me down as dead easy. " I let em have free han till de honeymoon wus over. I didn t think I orter mix eny vinegar wid dat; but by dat time de whole tribe uv em wus needin sum uv de salt dat Lot s wife got, an mebbe sum uv de fire an brimstone dat wus de casion uv her saltin . Wai, sah, dey sot in fur infairs an didn t do nuthin but eat fur two weeks. I had to give em three infairs myself an then they gin to nose aroun an git my naburs to have infairs. Fur two weeks mo dar wa n t nuffin but infairs fur de bride, an groom, fur my naburs wus polite, till dey wusn t a chicken or shote left in five miles uv my home, an if dar had been a hard winter an de white folks chickens had roosted high, we would er had a hard time uv it. "Wai, I stood dat, caze dar wus a honeymoon an good eatin gwine on wid it, but long bout de thud week when de sod-mammies gin to tell me how I orter roach my hair an run my farm I gin to lay my plans fur axshun. "Dey wus all Piscopaliuns, es I wus sayin , an dey bleeved turrible in Good Friday; an ever Friday wus Good Friday wid dem when it come to eatin. When I seed my chickens all gwine an de pigs an sich, I got so disgusted wid dese Good Fridays dat I wanted 64 "UNCLE WASH" to be a jay-bird fur a while so I cu d git off to hell ever Friday myse f! Frum dat dey begin to rub it in to me bout baptism an so forth an dat didn t tend to make me change in de resolushuns I had fixed up. I went on fixin my plans an layin low, meek as Moses outwardly but inwardly full uv wrath. " By dis time dey gin to ax in all de bredderin uv de chu ch to he p em eat an settin up by moonlight wid em a holdin han s an prayin . Now, sah, de hefty one nurver mixed up in dese small things she wus layin fur bigger game. She seed de sod-muthers wur managin it all right an as she knowed she owned dem an Sally an dey all owned me, why she let it res at dat. "Sides dat, as I sed, she wus a han sum oman! "I let it run on till de time whut dey call Ash We nesday come, when dey all had a feast an special prayers fur de souls uv all who had died frum de beginnin uv de worl till den, or sumpin nurr like it. I had already spent all my money an dey had ordered lumber fur a new house, sides orgernizin a society to build de nigger preacher in town a rookery. Dey called it a pay supper an I done all de payin ! It wus all to cum off de night uv Ash We nesday. "Now dat Ash bizness sot me to thinkin . Here wus my home turned into a karnival uv noise an carousin an drinkin an hoodoo in , an me payin fur it. " Wai, sez I to myse f, I ll jes turn dis thing into a Ash We nesday sho nuff, so I goes out an cuts down a ash tree an makes me a good, lithe stick dat would knock a bull down, an den bounce back into yo han s. UNCLE WASH S MOTHERS-IN-LAW 65 Dat wus fur de bredderin. Den I broke up a good ash-bar l an made de paddles handy fur de sisterin, an I sot em in de corner behin de cup ard. "De night cum, but dat time dey didn t keer nufT fur me to ax me into de feast. I wus jes er common ole Baptis nigger. I waited till dey wus all dar, de sod- muthers in white apruns, candles burnin an dude niggers an niggeresses frum town and ever whar, all s posin to be payin fur a thing dat finally cum outen my pocket. I walked in an sot down by de fire, but befo I got sot good, one of dem dude niggers put er insultment on me. "Dat suit me all right. I didn t want to start de fight in my own house dat wa n t good manners but soon es dat nigger put de insultment on me, I wus reddy. " Frien s, sez I, I am a plain ole Baptis nigger, but es I onderstan it, dis am Ash We nesday. " You bet it am, ole Moses, sez one uv de dudes, an it ain t a good place fur Baptis to eat dey am lia- bul to have de collect! " I didn t see de p int, but dey did, an all laf d. " Yes, sez I, he mou t, but he is mor n apt to have stumic enuif left to read de burial sarvices over a few dudes, an I lit in. I d locked de do but fer- got de winder; but I heurn tell arterwards dat only two niggers got out uv dar wid a soun head, an dey didn t stop runnin till Easter mo nin l " I lit on de sod-muthers early in de game wid de staves uv de ash bar l till dey wus meet fur repentunce, an de nex mo nin I sent em back to town whar I 66 "UNCLE WASH" foun dey all had husban s livin dat dey had quit fur er easier job. Wai, dey had to take em back. "Now, sah, I wus keerful not to hurt Sally an her mammy dey wus both han sum women, es I wus sayin . " I wus now rid uv de sod-muthers, but how to git riduv Sally s mammy wus de nex p int. I d figured dat out too, case es I said, she wus a han sum oman. De tacticks I used, boss, is whut ll s prize you. "Bout de thud night when I had her alone for a while on de leetle porch an we wus waitin fur Sally to git supper, fur she had gone to wuck in earnest arter she seed how handy I wus wid de ash bar l, sez I: A good meny men have muther-in-laws dat am homely. I s mighty proud uv mine, sez I, she is so han sum. " Why, Washin tun! she sez, does you really think so? " I seed it tickled her, an* arter a while I slipped over closer an sed: " An I nurver seed a muther-in-law wid sech b utiful eyes as you is got , an I took her han . "Dat wus mor n she cu d stan oner col collar an you orter seed her light out light out an he p git supper, too! "I let it res at dat. I s noticed dat too many fo ks plants dey truck too fas in de spring. An at de same time I s nurver let er late frost keep me frum believin it ll be summer by an by. "De nex night I sot out on de po ch ag in arter er hard day s wuck an I tuck my stan whar I wus de UNCLE WASH S MOTHERS-IN-LAW 67 night befo fur I knowed de ole doe allers crosses de creek at de same place. Sho nuff, by an by heah she cum tip-perty-tip tipperty-tip. "An all she wanted wus to ax me if I thought de weather wus gwine ter change! I sot up close ag in an sed: 1 Sum times er man makes a great mistake by marryin in too big a hurry/ How s dat? she sed, tickled to death an nestlin up to me. "Why/ sez I, he marries de gal an den he fin s out whut ud suit him bes wus de muther shoots at de doe an kills de fawn/ sez I, slippin my arm aroun her wais . "Up she jumps ag in an goes up mad lak an big es a balloon. " Ain t you shamed uv yo se f? sez she. Ts gwine right in an tell Sally/ " I knowed she wouldn t an I set back an chuckled. It wus all wuckin to suit me an I seed dar would soon be er complete separashun uv de chu ch an de state. "Now, sah, you ll wonder des why I d play es hefty an han sum a oman es she is sich er trick, but I cided dat one wife in de house am enuff in dat place. "De thud night I had it fixed. I knowed she d gone off mad, but I knowed a oman, arter one huggin , is like a dog burryin a bone he ll leave it fur awhile, but he s sho to cum back to it ag in ! I jes waited an let her cum back, fixin my plans. I tole Sally to set down in one corner uv de po ch in de dark an* keep 68 "UNCLE WASH" quiet dat I had er s prize fer her to sho how her vir tuous husban wus bein inticed by de Philistine. "Dat wus enuff she sot. "I waited till dark fore I cum an* den I stomped aroun , washed my face an han s, an* lit my pipe. An* heah she cum tipperty-tip an all she wanted to kno wus, if de moon had ri{! " I let her do de talkin , fur she wus ripe fur it, an* bout de time she tole me dat she lubbed me frum de fus an dat I orter married her stead uv Sally, I heerd a scufflin in de co ner, Sally riz up, dar wus much excitement an scatterment uv hair an when it wus over dar wus nobody on dat place but me an Sally, an I owned her" HOW UNCLE WASH PLAYED SANTA CLAUS "N TO, NO, Marse John," said the old man ,as he 1 N staggered in the other night, "don t git excited, it ain t de ku klux done it. I ain t seed eny uv dem sense I tried ter be smart an own a few po white fo ks arter de war. No, sah, it ain t kuklux," and he tried to sit down, but gave it up and held on to the arm of a chair. I was distressed for I had never seen the old man look like that. His head was bandaged in cotton batting and the eye he had left was trying to look at me through a slit in an arnica poultice. "Sit down," I cried, reaching for a bottle of horse- medicine I kept for him in the sideboard. " I can t, Marse John, I ain t got er spot lef to res on. I s branded onbofehips wid de bar uv de cannon- cracker. If I tries to recumber longer-turdernal I lays on de bran o de sky-rocket, an if I goes in fur horizontal recumbrance I gits on de spot lef by tor pedoes. Dar ain t but one spot lef for me to res on. If dars a iron hook in de wall jes hang me up on it by de coat collar. I s be n playin Sandy Claws," he groaned "tryin* to do lak white fo ks an lak de mos uv dem kerried my religun too fur." I did what I could to help him. "Ah, Marse John, didn t you put a lettle too much turkentine in dat whiskey? Lord, but I s a wrick uv myse f. (69) 70 "UNCLE WASH" "Ef I had it my way/ he went on, as he adjusted himself to a soft spot on the sofa, "dar jes nurver would be ernuther Kris mus. Us niggers copies ever thing frum de white fo ks, even borrowin dey religgun. But I s blest ef it fits us eny mor n it fits some uv dem, an dis Kris mus is jes er nuesence an er non sense. Why, Sah, de gloomes time uv dey year is jes arter Kris mus. When de foolishness and de fiahwucks is all over dar ain t nuffm lef but tucky feathers, taxes and a tired stumic! You owe ever body from de grocer s lergitermates to de ole-skin nabur dat saunt you a cyard headed, "De Foot-paths uv Peace," an spen s de res uv de year scrappin wid you, kase you furgot to sen him er fat pullit in return. Yo taxes is due, yo wood is out, yo stumic is de only thing you knows you own, kase you kin feel dat s in revolt, an you spen s de res uv de year takin to callermul an tall timber. "When you look roun , sah, it s jes awful twixt dried holly hung around, orange peelin , dirt, chicken feathers an fish bone, de home looks lak er wolf-den at weanin time, de chillun ruint fur wuck an school, an dey cough and cut up lak distempered colts. Yo wife s made pincushens an Kris mus gif s till she broke you, and her constertushun an gone to bed, dey cows got garget when dey oughter have milk, an de cat you be n tryin to git rid of all de year bobs up wid er basketful uv kittins. "Ain t it strange, sah, dat we celerbrates de buff-day uv sech er man in sech er way? He cum to tell us to be meek, an we starts in fur mischief; he tells us to git UNCLE WASH PLAYED SANTA GLAUS 71 ligun, an we all git drunk; he tells us to give, an we do it wid de hopeuv gittin mo in return; he say be temprit, an we start in to stuff. His whole life wus to entice us to heaven, an we gits so happy at de very thought dat we megiately starts off to hell wid er pocket full uv fiahwucks fur fear de Devil didn t have enuff uv his own down dar!" "Hold on, old man," I cried, "you have expressed just what I have been wanting to say all my life, but didn t have your flow of language! Excuse me while I go to my iron safe and get a bottle of Frank Chaffin s twenty-year-old that horse medicine is not good enough for such sentiments. I ve got the other in my safe and I am the only man who knows the com bination." "Ah, dat s better, Marse John," he said, a moment afterwards " I s jes be n scorin now jes watch me pace. "An swappin dese Kris mus gifs, Lord, it do make me tired ! It s lak de time ole Marster tole ole Miss he sold his fine hound fur er thousand dollars, an ole Miss wus so glad, kase she hated dat hound, he sucked de eggs. But she wus hot when she found out ole Marster had jes swapped him fur two five hundred dollar pups. "Dat s Kris mus givin all over. " Kris mus gifs now is jes Kris mus gittin , an ever* man is jes tryin to git his piece on earth an de good will uv de other man long enuff to skin him endurin de year. "Now, dar s Dinah. She starts in right after Jinuary an spen s de res uv de year gittin ready fur Kris mus, 72 "UNCLE WASH" an no heathen in Aferca spen s a year uv harder wuck, whittlin his god out uv a gum-stump wid er clam shell, den my ligus ole oman does fixin fur Kris mus. Save it fur Kris mus, Wash/ is whut she chirps on frum Jinuary to Jinuary. She s tuck down de good ole sign I useter hav up in de house, Save a nickel and own a dime, an now all she s got up is, Save it all fur Kris mus I She drilled dis so in our chillun dat it lakter led to a vorcement wid our oldes gal, Sally. Sally she married er nice nigger, but I soon seed sumpin wus wrong. De nigger got mad an started for a vorcement, an when I gits to de bottom uv it, he said Sally nurver had kissed him yit. I gin dat gal a strap- pin an she fessed up and sed she luved de nigger, but she luved im so hard she wus savin de fust kiss fur Kris mus! " I tell you, sah, it s jes got redikerlus de way we go on. Now heah s de way it wucks wid me: "We spen s de summer an fall raisin er flock uv tuckies es Kris mus gif s fur our frien s. Fur dese we gits backer armful uv Foot-paths uv Peace cyards, er few po pullits an er lot uv candy made in Black Bottom an painted by dat Irish Dago you calls Mike Angelo. Fur de fall lambs er two we sen s out mos ly to de preachers, we gits back sumpin dat looks lak wool, but it ain t, on de painted toys de chillun can t eat; an fur de good gyarments Dinah makes an distributes mong her frien s, she gits back cobweb collars dat you can t wear an hankerchefs dat you wouldn t no mo think uv blowin your nose in then you would in a sifter. UNCLE WASH PLAYED SANTA GLAUS 73 "An some fool oman had spent a half a year a-makin em. "O, we gits cyards er plenty. But I s noticed dat de ones dat sen s me de Toot-paths uv Peace is allers in er scrap er fuss wid us, an de very nigger dat led de prayer-meetin an sent us dat framed card, Our Faith is Our Fishiency, loped wid our darter an* tuck all de blooded chickens wid him dat night. Eny way, he didn t leave us a fishiency no, not even a min- nery. "But I got enuff now sense I played Sandy Claws last week." "You played Santa Claus after all you have said?" I asked. "Yes, sah, I played Sandy Claws, an God knows I find his claws an his paws, an heah I pause," he winked, looking toward the sideboard. "Now, " he said, after he tapped the bottle, "I didn t wanter play dat Sandy Claws, but de church saunt er committee uv one a mighty hansum an hefty oman to see me Sis Tilly an she begged me to do it jes fur her sake. Now, es I sed she wus hansum an* Dinah wus bizy makin Kris mus gif s outen cotton battin/dog hair an exselor, dat ! knowed she wudn t kno er side-steppin waltz from er breakdown, so I cided to he p Sis Tilly out. Dis led to a lot uv prac- ticin twixt me an Sis Tilly at de church, an by de time dat Kris mus night cum I wus fitten an good. All de sisterin he p fix me up wid whiskers uv fiah- wucks an things on my back, an when I wus finished dey said I wus hansumer den dey ever seed me befo , 74 "UNCLE WASH" an I had em, boss, whar I could er started er church uv my own wid all dem sisterin es charter members. Two uv de bes lookers kissed me kase de said dey nuver had kissed Sandy Claws in dey life. When it comes to inventin er reason fur eatin furbiddin fruit don t ole Eve s gals all over de wourl sho dey pedigree? But Sis Tilly wus de one I wus arter, an she sed she wus gwine ter kiss me arter de ball ef I acted ole Sandy well. "De sisterin had spent er week on de tree an it looked mighty putty all lit up, new candles all over it an in de house. De leetle niggers sot in de front pew waitin fur ole Sandy lack dey knowed him all dey life, an de church wus full an all uv dem happy an me de biggest man in de bunch, prancin behind de stage wid Kris mus in my bones an feelin lak ole Tom Hal at de fust signs uv blue grass in de spring. Br er Jones, de preacher, wus makin er leetle talk an tellin de chillun de usual lies about ole Sandy, an what er mighty man he wus, an heah I cum prancin out, lak er blin horse over tater rows. I wus so dazed when I cum out 1 cu dn t see nuffin but holly an wool all over de house. But I seed Sis Tilly on de fus bench wid er big smile on reddy to vote in de afTermative. " Dar s old Sandy! Dar s ole Sandy! dey all shouted, an sech er hurow! " It wus up ter me to act, an I done my bes , but Fs reached dat stage, like all ole men, when I thinks I wants a whole lot mo than I do, an I out-acted my self. I ripped an I r ared, I pranced an I prared an shuck my head at de chillun lak er billy goat, whilst ever body howled an de organ struck up. UNCLE WASH PLAYED SANTA GLAUS 75 "I s heerd, sah, dat Marse Horris Greely sed dat ef our foresight wus es good es our hin sight we d be better off by a dam sight, but dat is whar Marse Horris wus wrong it wus my hin sight dat went back on me, fur in prancin an backin aroun I backed dat pack o fiahwucks into a lighted candle an jes es de congre- gashun struck up dat good ole hymn, SMI I be kerried to de skies on flowery beds uv ease, I heerd sum pin goin off in my rear like de parked guns at Shiloh an I started to de skies sho nuff, an nuffiin but de cealin kept me frum gwine on! It looked like ter me fur ten minets I rid de air on fiah wucks. Two cannon crackers tuck off my boots, my pants went out de winder actin as de tail uv er skyrocket, er torpedo scattered my stumic till de feathers looked lak snow fallin , I wus sot afiah from my shurt to my whiskers, an ef I hadn t lit in de baptismal pool when I fell, God knows I w udn t er bin heah to-night. "I d bin baptized twice befo, but I nurver seed eny candidate go into de water so willing agin. I s allers sed emershun wus de only way o salvashun , an now, thank God, I kno s it ! " But so he p me, sah, dem fiahwucks wus so spiteful dey even kep a poppin under de watah. Dey sed it wus a sight ter see dey blue balls an yaller balls cum bilin outen dat dar baptismal pool an sprinklin Baptis niggers wid Presbeterian doctrine. "When I got up near nuff to peep over de brim, de mos uv de congregashun wus under de benches, but Br er Jones had be n blowed up astraddle de stove pipe an de benzine and bar s oil dat he d greesed his hair 76 "UNCLE WASH" wid wus a-fiah. One uv my boots, wid er skyrocket in it, had caught Sis Tilly in de mouf jes es she opened it to led in de singin . She c udn t talk, but she wus gwine round makin signal fur sumbody to git er boot jack and pull it out. Nearly ever nigger dar had caught er red ball or er yaller ball an wus bilin out uv doors an winders cussin Sandy Claws an all his kin. "By dis time I wan t lookin fur yaller balls nor black balls, but I sot up to my neck in de watah beggin fur a high ball! Some still had sense enuff lef to put out de fiah wid watah frum de pool, an when dey pulled me out I didn t have on nuflfin but a dough face, some burnt whiskers an patches uv chicken feathers an er leetle skin in spots. "No, nobody b leeves in Sandy Claws dar now, nor in de preacher dat lied to em, nor in me, dat tried to find Sandy an found his claws. De fac is, de plan uv salvashun is mighty nigh blowed up in dat chu ch." SPOTTY-CUSS "My ole marster promised me Ef I broke de re kurd he d set me free My ole marster de d an gohn He left Br er Washin tun hillin up corn," THE old man now sleeps in a room in the barn. He says he wants to pass away in a manger with the smell of hay, and the maunching horses around him. He was born with them, he says, and he wants them around him when he dies. So I had him moved there over a year ago. Now, a friend gave me some game chickens at the same time some of his fine war-horse breed. I thought all war-horses ought to be in a barn, so I gave them that building for their very own. I had been told that all summer they had been roosting on the head of the old man s bed. It is true I thought they were laying precious few eggs; but I have never permitted myself to doubt the old man s honesty. Now and then I had heard him say that a pullet had lain an egg in his hair or down his shirt collar, or deposited one at intervals in his shoes by the bedside, which he had appropriated, of course, "bekase she had acted so sassy," as he explained it. But of late that had ceased, and now he wanted a change made about their roosting. Because, as he had told it, in the middle of the night, last night, just as he was dreaming he was making a talk to the congregation at (77) 78 "UNCLE WASH" Zion, a newly laid egg hit him squarely between his eyes. It was that "pesky pullet again this time on the roost above his head. He thought it wus a bad omen for Zion and a change must be made. He had been in to tell me all about it. 1 had given him his "dram," and gone to tell the stable boy to move the chickens for the sake of Zion. When I came back he was sitting before the library fire humming the song above. "It s jes a little minder uv days past," he laughed. " You see, I cum along in de days uv thurrerbreds an had all ole Master s horses. Ole Black Maria hilt de rekurd den, an ole Marster tole me ef I raise him a hoss dat u d beat it, he d set me free. Wai, suh, fur thu ty years I done my bes t inkin ever year I d be a free man, but "My ole marster de d an gohn He left Br er Washin tun hillin up corn," " I tell you, sah, breedin winners is jes lak ole Mar ster useter say about great men some are bohn great, some ketch it by accerdent an sum have it thrust on em whurther r no. It s jes dat way wid winners dey are bohn fur some men, others git em by accerdent, an still others try der bes to keep away from em by breedin to eny ole thing, an lo an behold er world beater! "Why, I knows lots uv rich men, sah, dat s ben breedin furer world beater for half a cent ry, spent milyuns uv dollars an yit de nighest dey ever cum to it is er pedergree or er pair uv Cordivan boots. Others SPOTTY-CUSS 79 can t buy er dairy-wagon or buy er plow-boss wid out stumblin on er winner. Den dar am others dat jes can t git rid uv em arter fate fling em fur em. Old Tom Hal s owner told me he tried his bes to gild de colt as a yearlin , but he had distemper so bad de man cided he wan t worth de vet s fee. An dar am de mighty Creechus. Dey tells me his owner tried his bes to have him shot as a yearlin bekase he didn t see how he c ud live till mornin , butdey cu dn t find a gun in Ohio dat cud put a bullet through er Robert McGregor s haid. Oh, it s jes dat way es I was tellin you. All my life, as I was sayin , I wanted to breed er winner. Tw ud set me free but I nuver did breed but one, an he wasn t a hoss, as I ll tell you dreckly. " Uv course ever man thinks he s got er wurl -beater in his fus boy, an though I d failed at hosses, I thort sho I d hit it dar. But the cu is thing about chilluns," said the ole man gravely, "is dat dey seems to pan out in disproporshun to dey pe rtness. De ugly, pond rus, slow-growin young uns make de big, brainy men, whilst de pretty, pe rt uns dat we brag on so much, grows up an nurver gits outen de Smart Ellic class! " I married er lantern-jawed gal frum Giles County de fus time. She didn t look lak she wus much, but I tell you, Marse John she flung genuses an poets an pie-eaters frum de tap uv de drum, an dey cum wid de regularity uv a mother-in-law s visits, an de cer tainty uv bad colds. She seems to have heurn tell uv er rule in rithmetic ole Marster useter tell me about, how sum things increase kordin to de square uv de rad- 8o "UNCLE WASH" us-or sumpin nu ur lak dat I didn t kno uv course, so she sot in wid one boy de fus yar, two de naixt, an three de th ud. So I had to put dat ar oman erside an saunt er to her folks an tole em de only safe place fer her wus housemaid in er nunnery. Wai, sah, I named dat fus boy George Washin tun for Booker s daddy, you kno " "George Washington had no children," I hastened to say. "Ter be sho," said the old man, scratching his head dubiously. "You don t say so. Wai, to be sho! but dey was makin sech a horay over dat ar Booker dat I lowed he sho mus be George s son. I s heurn tell he sed in his book he was most too young when he was fus born to member zactly who his daddy wus an his mammy forgot to tell im befo she died; but I notice how all de papers now call im de son uv our country, an es I s allers heurn de ole man Washin tun called de Father uv our Country, it peared to me he cum by his entitlements nach ly. An den all three uv us is named Washin tun," said the old man proudly. "But I ll say one thing about my George: Dat ef he d happen to be swappin yarns in de back yard uv de Whitewash House wid de Preserdent, when de dinner bell rung, an de Preserdent had slapped im on de back an said: George, ole man, go wash yo han s in de pan by de pump on de back po ch, whar you see dat bar uv Gran pa soap, an wipe em on de rollin towel, ef de kids hes lef a clean spot on it, an cum in an break bread wid us, whilst we discuss how to wipe out de color line in de Sou f an pass on de peder- SPOTTY-CUSS 81 gree uv de Jones family, d ye think he d a dun it?" asked the old man, brusquely. " I don t see why," I said. " I think I should." The old man shook his head: "Uh-er-r-r! You cain t see fur nuff, chile; It s de hoss dat can see furdest roun de corner uv de last turn in de home stretch dat s apt to get to de wire fust." " No, George ud said, in his fine way fur George was aigecated: Please scuse me, Mister Preserdent, from performin eny evolushun wid de nigger in de North dat ll make eny mo hemp grow fur em inde Sou f. Yo intenchuns am good, but you don t seem to kno dat we don t keer so much bout de honor uv eatin one dinner er year wid you. Whut s botherin us is whar we gwine git de other three hundred an sixty-fo ! An we re got to git em out uv de Souf. "But George died," he said sadly; "Genusesallers do. At de country fair he went ag in de rekurd uv eatin sixteen pies in two minutes, an done it in i : 59^ Star Pointer s time. But it kil t him." The old man wept. I had to give him another dram. " It was long in 68, arter de war, dat I raised de raal wurl-beater I started to tell bout. Dem wus hard times den, when dey sot us free an ole Marsterquit feedin us. De ole mare starved to de th, de colt died ever thing died but de leben chillun we had, de house dorg an er speckled shote we called Spotty- cuss. Now, Spotty-cuss wus bred for bacon, but ole granny Natur is mighty kind, an when she changes de kondishun uv animals she changes dey instinct. De Lord tempers de wind to de shorn lam , an when dat 82 "UNCLE WASH" shote found he want gwin ter git no mo to eat, an if he survived at all he mus do it by out runnin de free niggers, he quit takin on bacon an went in fur speed. From a fat, roun Buckshur uv de good ole slavery days, he turned into er long snout, two years, er roach back an long tail an fo cat hammed legs that cu d jump er ten rail fence eny moon light night, or run cross er county in a close place. He had de mos deceptive trot in de wurl . "It wus fun to see im sorter trot er long lak he wus lookin fur acorns, an cover twenty miles er hour, an* ef er nigger got at im he d just say, Whoof! an dat coon would have to jedge by de soun uv his voice which way he went through de air. "Long bout dat time ole Marster got inter er spute wid er man named Stallins bout which hoss cu d beat ole Marster s or Stallin s. It wus in de fall uv de year an it looked lak starvashun for me dat winter, when one day jes befo de fall fair I seed dis stuck up in a tree by de road," and the old man pulled out an old print, yellow with age, and I read aloud: "A CHALLENGE." "The Honorable Jere Stallings will match his three- year old filly, Arcalia, against any horse in Maury Co. play or pay for $500, fall fair 1868. "N. B. Or anything else on four legs that wears hair!" The old man laughed. " Now dat End Bee per d ter me to let Spotty-cuss in an I seed my chance. I tell SPOTTY-CUSS 83 you, boss, I s lived er long time, but de main thing in dis life is ter see de chances dat come. You may be sho dey ll come. "Wai, I started at once to train Spotty-cuss. Now dat wus easy nuff he had de speed an all I had to do wus to keep im hongry. I put im in er log crib wid no cracks, fur he cu d go through two inches an gin im er leettle hot bran mash ever other day in slop. When he got too hongry I d have de kids rub im down wid corn-cobs twell he went to sleep in de sunny corner. I s heurn tell dat sev ral drivers do dat way now to git speed, but I first thort it up. "When I went to feed im two uv de kids would take im off in a box a mile from home; den I d pull out my watch an holler: Pig-ee-whoo-upl Whoo-up! an* time im es he cum. At de soun uv my voice he d light out de boys sed all dey would heah wus his tail crack es he wen through de air, an de naix minnit he d be at home wid his nose in de slop- bucket. "De white folks was so busy sputin fur a place de day uv de fair dey don t pay no tenshun to me an de kids when we tuck Spotty-cuss in his box to de haid uv de stretch. Dar wus half a dozen hosses in, sides ole Marster s an Stallins . De war had ruined all de roun tracks, so dey had dis laid off straight away down in a meador bottom. De boys sot de box at one end wid de hosses in line, an I stood jes beyant de wire wid de slop an bran mash. He hadn t had none fur nigh two days an* wus hongry ernuff to eat er keg uv b iled gimlits. At de crack uv de gun, when, de hosses 84 "UNCLE WASH" started, de kids turned im loose jes es I hollered, Pig-ee-whoo-up I an heah he come ! "De fus thing he done was run under de nigh hoss an* take de pole, an frum dere on he led de whole gang home, me hollerin Pig-ee-whoo-upl de riders hol lerin an whippin , an de folks goin crazy ter see a razor-back beat thurrerbreds. "I have never seed nuthin run es he did. He jes bored a hole thru de air. An ole Marster sez, he come so fas he tho rt it wus war times agin, fer dat horg made a noise through de air lak a bomb-shell, his tail poppin on de end lak de fuse. He beat em er mile an a half in de mile an when de crowd seed it an caught on, you nuver seed sech laifin. "Wai, sah, Stallin s didn wanter see it dat way, but de la f wus on im, de crowd wus fer me, an I went up an claimed de money under dat End Bee. Dis made Stallins red-hot an he lowed he kick us both off de groun s. "Now, de bes frien a nigger has is de white man dat s onc t owned im. Ole Marster drawed his gun an* sed ef he touch arry one uv us dar w ud be a fun - ral; dat his filly was naixt ter Spottycuss, an ef he didn t claim de money nobody else c ud. "Dat settled it, an dey paid it ter me, an dat," said the old man proudly, "gin me my start, thanks to ole Marster s grit an Spotty-cuss speed!" MISS ANT NETTE S PROVHT. IT was a sharp gallop across the pasture and a quick turn into the woodlot. "And now we must run for it, Antoinette for the the old man s cabin or we will get a drenching for our laziness. So here goes, good filly show the clouds your heels." And she did, the sly witch. This was just to her mind. She was too full of golden running blood, mingled with the silver strains of the saddler, not to love a good run whenever she got a chance. Nothing suited her better than to run through the blue grass lot, where the turf, pressed by her shapely hoofs, rose like a sponge under them and gave to her bound the elasticity of a fawn s. The rain came down in big drops as we cleared the ditch. I saw the shower behind us as I looked back, and felt a thickening of the mist in my face. But the next instant the filly was bolting like a quarter horse across a level plot, swept perilously swift through the narrow little gate that stood open near the cabin door, and, with a quick snort that scattered half a dozen chickens which had run under the old darky s shed, out of the rain, she came to a halt under the big shed, tossing and shaking her head gleefully, and half rising on her hind feet, as if she longed to get out and try it over again. But the rain was pouring down by this time, and the old darky had run out, and now stood at the filly s head, true to his raising, while I dismounted. (85) 86 "UNCLE WASH" "Hi, hi!" he laughed, "but wa n t she comin briefly cross dat pastur? Didn t she split dem rain-drops wide? Oh, she s er darling, is dis Ant nette! Jes lak her grandam by de same name. My, I jest nachelly luvs ennything wid dat name. But cum in an dry yere cloze. Dinah s got de fiah hummin by now. We seed you comin an Dinah feered you gwi git wet, but I lowed you w udn t. Sez I : A good hoss am better n a rubber coat in a rainstorm, and dat s what you had. "I knowwhut I m talking bout, he added/ fur I raised her grandam thurrer-bred mare belonged to Miss Ant nette, my young mistress. De best filly dat ever stood on iron or swum er flood. " I smiled at the ambiguity of old Wash s remarks, and started in the cabin to dry my boots and hear his daily report of the lambs and calves, for he tended to both on the farm. We had reached the cabin door, and in his eagerness to tell me all about the filly s grandma, he ran over his little grandchild standing in the doorway, watching us in open-mouthed wonder. The child screamed, and the old man indignantly slapped it across the cabin floor, where it rolled itself up in straw tick and smothered its yells. A moment later, it had its head out, as if nothing had happened, and was listenting with evident satisfaction to hear what would happen next. "Hit makes me mad," said the old man, apolo getically, "to see de no-mannered ways uv dis heah young generashun uv niggers. Dey stan an gape at MISS ANT NETTE S PROVIN 87 white folks, lak dey nurver seed eny thing uv de kind befo. "Does you think de gen man am a white elerfant, sah?" he shouted ironically at the straw tick. A short, apologetic wail came up from the straw, and then hushed in a most sudden, inquisitive manner. "Mebbe you think he s er brass ban an er ban - waggin," he shouted again, with sarcasm. "I tell you, sah," said the old man, addressing him self to me, "dat boy s mammy was aigucated an you sees whut de offspring cum to. Ef dis thing keep on an de nigger race git a leetle more aigucashun, it won t have sense ernuf lef ter take keer uv itself. " "But I started to tell you bout Miss Ant nette," he said, and then, going to the old mantle, he took down a rare old daguerreotype and put it in my hands. It was a beautiful piece of art, the work of the famous old daguerreotyper, Brady, of New York, and as rare as beautiful, one of those exquisitely natural things which modern photography with all its science, has never yet approached. A young girl of twenty, in a neatly turned riding habit, as simple as it was elegant, looked out at me from under a large, full hat, with eyes as romantic as a shadowy moon, and yet as full of love and light and warmth as the stars. Around the hat circled a most splendid ostrich feather one giant and beautiful plume which fell over the hat and half circled around her graceful neck, in a profusion of rich and glorious splen dor. Her face was pure Southern, with a classic, lilting fullness and charming hauteur that was queenly. 88 "UNCLE WASH" The old man greatly enjoyed my surprise and the unconcealed admiration in my face, and he finally burst out enthusiastically: "Dat s de filly I wus tellin you erbout, Gord bless her sweet soul! Dat s Miss Ant nette, my young mis tress. De same dat de mare wus named fur," and he could hardly contain himself in his anxiety, in his own inimitable way, to tell it all. "When de war broke out, it was pull Dick, pull Devil, es to which army should have Middle Tennessee. When Donelson fell, de Yankees had us, an when Bragg went into Kentucky, why we jes nachully had dem. "An de raids Gord, sah, I nurver got as tired uv raids in my life! It wus fus Wilder, an den Forrest, an den Wilson, an den Wheeler, twell it looked lak our corn crib nurver would get any rest. Meny an meny er night I ve gohn to bed an didn t know when I wake up whether I be er Yankee or er Johnny Reb. Gord bless your soul, honey, I didn t want er hurt no body s feelin an git up no fight, an* I allers made it er pint to ergree wid de side dat hilt de fort on Duck River, an had dey guns sorter pinted t words my cabin. Ef it wus Marse Abe Lincoln s guns, I wus fur Marse Abe, an ef it wus Marse Jeff Davis guns, I wus fur Marse Jeff. "But Miss Ant nette didn t change! Gord, sah, no! She wus rebel frum de sassy-lookin turn uv her he d to de sole uv her leetle feet dat twinkled lak daisies when she run over de lawn. An as fur her bein feered! Lord, she jes turned up her nose at de MISS ANT NETTE S PROVIN 89 whole Yankee army! She wasn t feered uv nothin , altho she looked lak er lily in er ball room. "We all thout she an Marse Luchus wus gwin ter marry befo de war broke out. I can t tell when de time wus dey wa n t sweethearts. Dey plantashuns jined an dey went to skule togedder an dey grewed up togedder, an jes nachelly luv each yudder, an wus made fur each yudder, lak sunshine an flowers. Wy, sah, when Marse Luchus wus er leetle boy, he useter write poltry to Miss Ant nette, an send it on er silver waiter by a nigger boy wid de Chester moner- gram. I disremember sum uv dat poltry now," said the old man, repeating very slowly and with much misgivings : Ef I luved you lak you luve me, No knife could cut our luv in two/ "Now, ain t dat good poltry fur er boy?" he asked. "Quite," I smiled. "It s a wonder they had not captured him for some of the magazines. Its fully up to their standard." "No, no," said the old man quickly, "dey cudn t captur him! De Yankees tried dat. Dat s whut I s gwin ter tell you bout. I clar ter goodness, I don t know whut luvers would do ef dey cudn t quarl ever now an den. I don t b leeve dar would ever be er marriage in de wurl. Fur quar ls seem to act on luv lak pepper an saltpeter on fatnin horgs; er kinder change in de diet, you know sumpin to make em eat mo* when dey git back to dey legitermates." "Now, heah wus Miss Ant nette an Marse Luchus 90 "UNCLE WASH" gwine on luvin each yudder lak two leetle patterges all dey life twell jes es de war broke out. Den on de eve uv dat fool war, when it look lak Gord dun shet de pastur gates uv heab n on de wurl, an turn his back on us, an dun gohn off in the medders to feed his lambs an sheep up dar, an let let dorgs and wolves fight it out on de outside, heah dese two chilluns, dat luve each udder hard ernuf to die fur it, jes up an gits mad an parts in mizery, when de chances wus dey d nurver see each udder ergin. " Hit happened at de ball at Miss Ant nette s de night befo de soljers marched to de war. All de young officers wus dar, to dance de farewell dance, befo dey went into dat dance uv death, an hit wus a pooty pictur, ef dar ever wus one. De plumes an unerforms an silk dresses an sashays, an low-necks, an turn- yer-partners an gold and lace promenade uv dat cump ny, Gord, sah, Miss Ant nette wus de queen, an Marse Lushus was King. "He d bin lected Cap n uv his comp n y, an ef dey urver wus er bohn soljer, he wus de one! "Dar wus a young man at dat ball Marse Lushus didn t lak he nurver had laked him tho his folks wus rich an he had fine cumpa ny manners an all dat. He wa nt our kinder white folks, dat s all, an Marse Lushus knowed it, an he axed Miss Ant nette not to waltz wid dat kinder man. Miss Ant nette sor ter laf an say: " Luchus, you ain t jelus uv Mister Brice, are you? an she give him er look dat would make de heart beat in a marble man. MISS ANT NETTE S PROVIN 91 " I m jelous uv nobody, Ant nette, he said proudly. An then he whisper d in her leetle year, fur I wear de ring an de promise uv de only queen in de wurl. "Miss Ant nette blush an say: An , sir knight, would you not have your queen beluved? " It ain t dat, sed Marse Lushus, I don t blame ennybody fur doin whut I can t help doin myself luvin you, he said, but I don t want you to waltz wid Mister Brice. " O, ho, say Miss Ant nette, wid er leetle laf, I see; you willin nuff fur me ter be queen, but you want er be king, too. "Marse Luchus flushed an looked sorter vexed. " De questun uv whuther or not I shall waltz, she went on, sorter tarmined lak, I will decide fur my self, wid mama s consent; but ef you kno Mister Brice is not er gent man, I think you should tell me/ "Marse Luchus turned quick es er shot. Then he sed, I could not es er gent man tell you mo in his absence than I tole him ter-day ter his face a dastard in peace an er tra ter in war, I knowed whut I wus sayin , he said, an he dared not resent it. " But I ve already promised ter waltz wid im, said Miss Ant nette ergin, sorter tarminedly. " Ant nette, said Marse Lushus, slowly and sternly, ef you waltz wid dat man I ll tell you good-bye fur ever. " Dat wus er bad break fur Marse Lushus ter make, fur Miss Ant nette cum frum stock es proud an tarmined es his n. Sides dat, it put her in de 92 "UNCLE WASH" light uv bein de wooer, an I ll nuver furgit de proud an ladylak way she cum back at im: " An so you hang the desterny uv our luve on er threat, would you? So be it, Cap n Chester. You will yet learn dat luve can be led but nurver driven! An then she turn an bow lak de queen she wus to dat Mr. Brice, who cum up jes den ter claim his waltz, an den she jes waltzed erway wid im. "Fur er minnit I seed Marse Lushus turn white es er stone, an I thout he d faint, spite uv de grit I knowed wus in im. Den he wheeled in er millertery way an turned his back on de ballroom an he beckin ter me an I followed im. He went in de sittin room, sot down by de table, tuck out paper an pencil, an writ on de paper. Den he pulled off er ring he had on his finger er plain gold ring put de ring in de note, riz an sed: " * Carry dis ter yore young Mistis. An as I bowed ter go, he hilt out his han ter me in his frank way an sed, "Good-bye, Uncle Wash. My comp ny will march at daylight. "When I got back to de ball-room, de waltz wus over, an I foun Miss Ant nette settin in de bay winder an* dat mister man, talkin es onconsarned es ef nothin hed happened. I stop an bowed befo her es perlite es I cud. She beckin me ter cum up. Den I axed her, sorter low, ef I wus ter deliver her er note I had fer her. She laf an sed, of course, an I handed it ter her all crumpled up round de ring. She didn t kno de ring wus dar, an it fell out. Mister Brice picked it up er kinder beamin smile on his face an han it ter her. MISS ANT NETTE S PROVIN 93 She wus deadly pale but she laf an thank im an ax im ter scuse her whilst she red de note. "When she finished it she wus paler still, but game ter de las fur she smile es ef nothin wus de matter, say sumpin pleasant to Mr. Brice, an han em both back ter me wid er laf an say: Thank you; you may go now an have em bofe fur yore trouble/ an I got em ter dis day," said the old man, as he looked in a small box behind the daguerreotype on the mantel, and brought forth a plain gold ring and a crumpled note. "I disremember de note," he said, "but hits mighty pooty poltry, an I ll ax you ter read it ter me." I took it and read aloud, " From the rose you have brushed its sweet sparkle of dew, From the peach the soft satin that gave it its hue; You have touched all too roughly the butterfly s wing, And shaken the bloom where the honey bees cling; You have breathed on the bubble that young love had blown, And the rosebud of love from its stem you have torn. You have wakened the sleeper ere his dreaming was through, And so my fair waltzer, gay waltzer, adieu!" "De naixt mornin, sho, nufT, Marse Luchus was gohn, but dat Mister Brice wa n t gohn, an es de war went on an he made fus one excuse an den ernuder, I gun ter think Marse Luchus bout sized im up right, 94 "UNCLE WASH" an when he turned tra ter, I knowed Marse Luchus wus right. "An I clar ter goodness I lak ter got mad wid Miss Ant nette fur de way she kerried on wid im. She rid wid im an went wid im t well it got ter be de sayin in der county dat she gwine marry im. But I seed thru dat. She wus jes too proud ter let enybody kno she keers for Marse Luchus, fur aldough she laf an flirt wid dat mister-man, after a battle, when de news cum dat Marse Luchus wus mighty nigh dead, I foun her one night on der front porch all huddled up in der dark an er cryin ter herself. "Wai, suh, den cum de raids I wus tellin bout. De Yankees tuck de town fust, an* I ll nuver furgit de day I seed my fust Yankee. It was Gineral Wilder hisself, er fme-lookin man on er fine hoss, an when he rid up ter our gate ter ax me bout de road an I seed his blue unerform an dat de wus er Yankee, I lak ter drapped in my tracks, I wus so stounded! Wy, man-er-live, he looked just lak our folks! I d heurd so much bout em twell I thort dey wus furrin kinder creeter, er cross twixt eriginal sin an de devil wid horns an skaley backs, an all dat. But when I seed dat nice-lookin gen man an heurn im talk so nice an perlite, I lowed den an dar dat Yankees wus white folks, too, an I sed ter myself, dis gwine er be er white folks war, an er long an bloody one. "But one mohnin dey wus a terribul clatter an shootin down de rode. Our folks wus makin er raid, an* Marse Luchus an his comp ny hed rushed thru de town, driv de Yankees cross de bridge over de ribber, MISS ANT NETTE S PROVIN 95 burnt all de millertery stores, an wus erway befo de big force cud cum up ter de rescue. "Bimeby, I heurd er turribul clatter an runnin down de pike, an heah dey cum by our house, Marse Luchus in de lead gallopin , gallopin ! "Dat mister-man wus in de parlor den, but when Miss Ant nette seed Marse Luchus at de haid uv his comp ny, fur he d now riz to be kunnel, dough he didn t have but er han ful wid im dat day, she didn t pay no mo tenshun ter dat Brice man den ef he bin er poodle dorg, an her eyes danced, an she d laf er leetle an cry sum, an all de time she would be sayin sorter low, " Oh, ain t he gran ! Ain t he gran ! "I seed dey wus headed fur de bridge over Big Bigby, an I knowed de bridge wus burned, an dat ole Bigby wus on er reg lar t ar, an would swim er reger- ment, na Marse Luchus didn t kno it. I d heurn, too, dat on count uv sum war killin dey had sot er price on Marse Luchus head, an would pen im up dar an kill im. So I run down ter de fence an es Marse Luchus passed by I hollered out: Marse Luchus, de bridge over Big Bigby is burned, an de creek is boomin ! Strike cros he fiel fur de upper ford! Strike cross he fiel fur de bridge on de yudder side! An dey wheeled an tuck me at my wurd. But when Marse Luchus went by, I seed his hoss wus shot an de blood wus jes streamin frum his flank, an I knowed he cudn t mo r n git over Bigby befo his hoss boun ter give out, an I run back ter de house an tole Miss Ant nette. 96 "UNCLE WASH" "When I tole her, suh, I seed de jig wus all up wid dat mister-man. She run ter ole Marster an cotch his han an cried: O, don t let em ketch im, papa! An befo ole Marster cud say eny thing she turned ter me an sed: Saddle Ant nette quick! "Ant nette wus her saddle mare three-quarters thurrerbred an de yudder quarter better bred, an* she wus de proudes , gracefulles creeter dat ever kerried er mistis; no man had erver bin on her back an her mouf wus as tender es de mouf uv luve, an her sides es soft as de cheek uv er gal, an her legs es cordy an hard es er hoss uv bronze. Run? She cud run lak er quarter hoss, an stay at it lak er steam engine. " I wus so shaky I cudn t hardly saddle de mare! It jes peered lak my fingers all got stiff at onct, lak dey do in winter time. I cudn t hardly buckle de girth, an my legs lak ter shake me off en de groun but dat mare seem to kno what wus up, an dat I wus rattled an no count, an she jes rubbed her sweet leetle nose ergin me so playful, lak es ef she d say: Be cool, ole man, an put de saddle on; I ll do de res . "In er minnit Miss Ant nette cum runnin out, dressed jes as you see her dar, in dat ridin habit, an de big hat wid de ostrich plume. Her eyes look lak deep wells when you look down an see de stars shinin in de bottom, an her face wus all erglo wid de glory dat cums frum doin things. I d mounted her up too often ter waste much time at dat, an in er minnit I had de mare by de rein wid one han , whilst I hilt de yudder han low down ter de groun . Miss Ant nette MISS ANT NETTE S PROVIN 97 put her leetle foot in it, I gin her er slight toss, an she wus in de saddle. " Now, foller me on ernudder hoss/ wus all she sed, an she wheeled an galloped over de lawn. "I bridled ernudder hoss an wus after her, bare back, in er minnit. But es she rid ercross de lawn, it looked lak de road jes swarmed wid blue-coats, thun- derin down de pike on Marse Luchus trail. Miss Ant nette see em an make er quick spurt fur de gate. But dey seed er an rushed ter de gate ter shet her off. Dey got dar fust, an thinks I, Dey 11 head her, sho ; but she seed de move quick, an turned de mare s head sorter eater-cornered straight fur de rock wall. It wus er big high wall, an de calv ry spurred down de pike ter head her off ergin. I hilt my breaf when I seed de mare fly at dat wall, but I knowed Miss Ant nette might, nigh bohn in de saddle, an I knowed her hoss lak de cap n knows his ship, an jes at de proper time she felt de mare s mouf fur der rise an dey riz es gracefully over de wall es er swaller skims over de sea an rizes to de big waves in her path. De naixt minnit she had settled lak er ship, an wus runnin lak er gray- houn . When she hit de pike, de soljers wa n t ten yards behin her, spurrin fur all dey wus worth, an* shoutin : " Halt! Halt! Stop her! Ketch her! An one big feller wus so anxious to ketch her, he spurred wid bofe legs an beat his hoss wid his cap an rid right up side his cap n, crowdin Miss Ant nette fur all dey hosses wus wurf. An when de soljer dat wus ridin by de Cap n seed Miss Ant nette leavin em behind, an* 98 "UNCLE WASH" w udn t surrender, he pulled out his pistol to shoot at er, but befo he cud shoot, de Cap n hisself brough de butt end uv his saber down on his head an knocked im clear outen de saddle, an I heurs im say: " You coward! Would you shoot a woman? "An jes bout dat time I seed Miss Ant nette get down to business. She brough dat ostrick plume down on er flank dat had nurver felt even de wight uv er feather befo , Cord bless her sweet soul, dat mare jes sailed erway befo dem clumsy calv ry plugs lak er sassy little pattege-hen befo er flock uv noisy crows. " Great Gord! I sed to myself, "She s headed furde burned bridge, stid of de ford; an de naixt instant de officer gin er comman : " To de ford! She can t cross de creek! We ll git im yit! An den I knowed dey d set er price on Marse Luchus head an twas him dey wus arter. "Now, de ford wus two miles off, an de bridge wus only er mile down de pike, an when I seed em strike fur de ford, I galloped down de pike ter try an stop Miss Ant nette. I run hard es my hoss cud go, but when I got to de hill an look down at de burnt bridge er quarrter uv er mile below, I seed Miss Ant nette plunge in de creek jes below de mill dam, striking de water on de current side, an it whirlin de mare round an* round, lak er top. Sez I, My Gord, she ll drown! An I galloped down an plunged my hoss in. too, fur I knowed I cud swim. " But, Gord bless her sweet soul, dat mare wus es good in water as she wus on Ian , an es soon es she ketch her bearin s she struck out fur de yudder bank, MISS ANT NETTE S PROVIN 99 tremblin lak er leaf, but stanch es er tree, snortin lak er wild thing, but stiddy an cool es de nurve er death! In er minnit she bounded up de bank, shook herself lak er wet dorg, an flew ter whar I seed er clump uv horsemen standin round de leader, whilst he stood over his dead hoss wid drawn pistol, ter make his last stand. De naixt instant Miss Ant nette wus dar, an es Marse Luchus cought her out frum de saddle, he kissed her befo all dem men an sed: My own darling! How could I ever have doubted you? An den de pale went out en her face fur de fust time on dat ride, an de mohnin cum in es she lookes up in his eyes, whilst he pressed her to his heart, an* she sed: " Dear heart, luve can be led, but not driven! "Den she give de mare to Marse Luchus, an in er jiffy de men put his saddle on her, an wid er cheer dat shook de hills dey rid away. " I had put Miss Ant nette s saddle on my hoss, and she wus mounted, ridin erlong when de Yankees rid up, an when dey seed whut she had dun, the Cap n hissef shouted: " Three cheers, boys, fur de gallant girl an her mare ! "An es dey give it wid erwill Miss Ant nette bowed her pretties an smile her sweetes much es ter say: " Much erbleeged ter yer, gen mun, but I s proved this day where my heart is. THE RESURRECTION OF BROTHER WASHINGTON I HAD not seen the old man for several months, but I supposed he was still prospering on his little farm, when he walked in the other day without knock ing, took his seat by the fire, and casually remarked that March was always a bad month on rheumatism. "Why, how are you, old man?" I said, laying down my pen and seeing him for the first time. " I haven t seen you for several months." "No, I don t reck n you is," he said quietly, "an de reason is, I ain t seed myse f I s been dead!" "What!" I exclaimed "dead are you joking?" I looked at him closely, but I saw no evidence of insanity nothing to indicate that he had yet reached his dotage. However, I thought it best to pass him something for his rheumatism. He quaffed it off so naturally that I knew he was all right and would tell it in his own way. "Enything happened ter speak of sense I be n dead?" he asked, indifferently enough, as he smacked his lips and wiped them on the back of his hand. I was anxious to hear how he had died, but I knew any eagerness on my part would spoil it, so I replied: "Why, no, old man nothing new. But you have heard of Jupiter Pluvius, perhaps, and his home above the clouds. Well he has kept busy this spring with his watering pot." (100) RESURRECTION OF WASHTNGTON faf "Heard of im?" asked the old man, with a show of wrath "why, I knowed im he was a blue-gum nigger that Jupiter was that c u d pick five hun dred pounds uv cotton in er day, an he run off wid my secon wife an jined de Yankees. But he didn t live whar you placed de rickerlischun uv dis cohabitashun he lived up on Bear Creek. No, I got no hard feelin s about it for, onbeknownst to hisse f he done me er great favor. No, I ain t got nothin erg in him, nur de Yankees, nur r." "I guess not," I said, "for since the Spanish war we are all Yankees now. " "All Yankees now? Jes lemme tell you, sonny, dah s one dat ain t. No, sah, I am a S uthern gen man, an I still b leeves de nigger was made to belong to somebody dat ud feed im an mek im beehave. All Yankees now? Boss, I sho am shamed uv you! Well dat s all right, but I b leeves I told you bout co rtin dat ar widder " "You got her, didn t you?" " Boss, did you urver kno enybody to go after er widder an not get her? I s got jes one rule fur co rtin set up close, agree on all p ints, an dat ll fetch on luve. Never spute wid er widder, spec- ally ef you re c ortin her. Wait twell you re marri d. "Did you ever notice, boss, how cu is a widder is about dat ur c ortin bis ness? So difT unt frum er gal. Now, when you co rt er gal, she ain t gwine say nuffin fur er long time. She let you co rt her an co rt her, an sum day, when she fin she luves you, she ll jes 102 "UNCLE WASH" thro her arms aroun yo neck an say, Darlin , I am your n take me! " But wid er widder, nobody ain t nurver got one uv em to say yes yit but dey manage to git dar all de same. "An dat wus de way wid dis heah widder I co rted. De fus night I went to see her she lowed she hated de very groun I walked on, yet she lemme hoi her han all de time. De nex night I was wuss n p izen, yet she lemme squeeze her. De third time I was meaner n dog-fennel, yet I was good enuff to hug her. De nex time I cum she lowed I wus de mos con- tempt us, po , ignoble, bandy-legged has-been dat ever was, an stell I sho did kiss her. De las night she fix me I didn t think she d have me to save my life, an lak er fool I begged her wuss n a little weaned calf, beggin fur milk. Dat wus jes what she wus layin fur, an so, entirely onbe- knownst to me, she had de preacher wid de license dar hid in de closet, an I sw ar ter goodness, boss, befo de cock crow twice dat ar oman had marri d me thrice! "An* den I died," he added solemnly. "Yes, boss, I died dead, too. You see, it all happen at de weddin supper. You see, boss, de ole man had allers been used ter drinkin sho nuff licker, but dat night dey dose me up wid er konkoction uv pine-top, asserfederty an buzzard s bre f, an fo I knowed it I wus dead. Wy, boss, dey burried me on de fus Sat d y arter de secon Sunday in Jinuary, an I didn t rise ergin twell de Chusday arter de secon Sunday in March, an ef dat RESURRECTION OF WASHINGTON 103 whisky hadn t er bin es good in its raisin grace es twus in its fallin grace, I d er bin dar yit. "Wud you like to kno what a man sees, an how he feels arter he s dead, boss?" "Would 1?" I gave the old man another dose of the heaven-brewed to help him along. "Wai, hit s about de cu isest feelin dat ever wus felt," he said, after a while, "One minnit you am livin an* de nex you am travlin long de road to Jur- dan, an you can t he p yo se f to save yo life. You can t stop, you can t set down, you can t turn back. You jes seem to be drawed along lak you wus standin on er slidin sidewalk run on undergroun cables. But de road is buterful. Flowers bloom all erroun you. Birds sing in de sunshine on gold trees, an fishes swim in lakes uv melted di monds. Inste d uv bein outdoors an breathin air, you peer to be movin erlong under de bright roof uv er cut-glass house, or in er big bottle uv rarerfied perfume, wid de sun er blazin stopper in de roof. "I didn t know whar I was gwine to, an I didn t keer all I know wus I wus gwine, thank Gord ! " But, bimeby, everything stop whar two roads met, an I know d one of em went to heab n, but I c u dn t say which one to save my life, I got down on my knees an prayed fur light, but no light cum, an stid uv it I heurd all de little birds singin in de gold trees all aroun me: " If you f oiler the road of sorrer an sin, An don t pray fur light in de wurl you am in, No use fur to pray in de nex . 104 "UNCLE WASH" "Dat mos par lyze me, boss, an I d a gi n anything ef I hadn t spent so much time aroun race-tracks whilst I wus alive an had spent mo uv it lookin for dis heah track, an tryin to fin out which road to take. Dar dey bofe lay, jes erlak, shinin in de glow uv eternity. An yit de very silence seem ter speak in thunder tones, an de stillness wus louder dan de noise uv battle. It all depended on de path I tuck. " Bimeby, I thort uv Ole Marster s little boy dat I seed die so long ago, an dat I useter nuss an carry in my arms, an uv all de little chillun I seed bohn one day, an die de nex , an I got down on my knees in de golden dust uv dat ar road an I look fur ter see ef dar wus eny baby tracks dar, fur I knowed whar de baby tracks wus, dat was de road dat leads to heab n." The old man stopped, and I saw him brush away a tear. He had said something as great as Shakespeare s and I, myself, had to take a turn around the room to stop before the picture of a little curly-head over the mantel, and listen again for the prattle of a laughter which began one spring with a bird s note and ended with the first snow in a new-made grave. When I came back the old man was laughing. Tears smiles twins that dwell in the secret chambers of the heart, and they join hands so quickly at times ! " Bimeby," he went on, " I look up de road, an heah cum ole Kunnel Ketchun er-splittin de dust uv de golden road, en er-moppin his old bald head wid er red bandanna handkerchief, an er-lookin es pi ius in death es he wus sancterfied in life. Now boss, you kno de Kunnel wus one uv des here prayin lawyers dat you RESURRECTION OF WASHINGTON 105 kin always safely brand es de Devil s Own an he died jes fo I did, an he wus awful smart an awful slick, an whilst I didn t have much idee he knowed eny mo* bout de road to heab n dan I did, I wus bankin on his biiity to find it out fust. Marse John, lemme tell you sump in to paste allers in yo hat: never trust er prayin lawyer or er tradin preacher never. " Hello, Wash/ sezee, which way yo gwine? "Sez I: Runnel I s cogertatin on which uv dese heah roads leads to heab n. " Oh , sez he, I kin show you which road ter take. I dun bin up dar an file my brief wid Jedge Peter at de gate, but dar wus some leetle irregularerties in de pleadin s, an I s come back to answer his demur/ "Den he laugh an say: Wash, de ole feller don t kno a little bit uv law, an hit s de easiest thing in de wuiT to wuck him ef you only do es I say. Now, when I went up and presented him my church papers, an* tole him who I wus, deac n an all dat, he lowed he nurver had 1 arned to read English an he throwed my papers over er blufT, whar I seed some smoke risin an swellin sorter like de smoke uv er passin freight engine, an den he look at me an ax ef I wus ridin or walkin ? Sez I, Sir, I am walkin . Dat settles it/ sez he, "nobody erfoot will ever git in dis gait, an es fur dat artomobeel crowd, sez he, dey go on to hell widout sioppin , fur dey carry de scent of hell erlong wid em, enyhow. No, sah, Kunnel, sez he, you gotter ride er hoss to git into heah. We need em to pull de cherriots in heab n an de Kunnel look wise an stroke his chin whiskers. io6 "UNCLE WASH" " Now, Wash/ he went on, soft-lak, Ts got er plan, my color d frien , dat ll fix ole Peter an let us bofe in. I kno de road I s bin dar befo , so you be de hoss an I ll be de rider, an Peter will throw open de gate, an let us bofe in. Dey s nuffin lak er leetle brains, Wash er leetle brains in dis wurl an de nexV "Wai, boss, dat all look mighty conniv rous ter me, an es I had been all my life er-totin de burdens uv de white man, it peered mighty nachul to keep it up. So I got down on my all-fo s, de Runnel he mounted me, an I started up de pike in er jog trot. But I hadn t gone fur befo de ole Runnel punch me in de side wid his heels, yanked my mouf nearly off wid de gallus bridle an de shoestring bit he fixed up fur me befo he started, an yelled out: " Change dat gait, you ole fool; do you think I would ride into heab n on er trottin hoss when I c u d ride er easy pacer? "I seed de p int, an shifted. " Ah, dat s better, sez he, an mo restful/ " At de gate Marse Peter stop us, an say: Am you ridin or walkin , sah? " Ridin dis time, yo Honoh/ say de Runnel. " Good/ sez Peter, er-glancin at me, but I don t lak de looks uv dat sway-backs scrub you re ridin , so I ll jes let you hitch im to de fence, but you kin walk in! "An de ole Runnel, he hitch me to de fence sho nuff, an walked in widout battin his eye or sayin much obleged, an dar I wus champin er shoestring bit, tied to de fence uv heab n, wid er gallus line, an RESURRECTION OF WASHINGTON 107 dodgin er hoss-fly es big es er turkey gobbler dat wus buzzin aroun over de bluff nigh by. "Peter look at me er long time, sorter smilin an sorter mad, an den he sez: Thort you d fool me, did you? Wai, for dis decepshun, I ll turn you into er sho nuff hoss/ and befo I c u d say scat, boss, I wus er black Hal pacer, wid two white feet, a star, snip, black mane and tail, so help me Gord, an dat ar hoss- fly es big es er turkey was buzzin aroun tryin to bore er hole in me. "Gimme ernurver dram, Marse John." I thought he was entitled to it. "But dat wa n t all. F um dat day on dey didn t do nuffm but use me on dat road, carryin folks up to de gate, but nurver gittin in myse f. An dey wucked me twell I almos drapped dead ag in. An I carried Jews an Turks an Chinese, an ever kind uv man dat ever lived, twell de golden pike wus er pile uv brass, an de sun was er furnace uv fiah, an me de hoss er-doin all de totin. "An ever day ole Peter u d lead me to de bluff an let me look over on de pit down below. An dar I seed folks I nurver dreamed u d be dar, in dis wurl , an I failed ter see udders dat I thort u d be dar on de hottes gridiron. Dar wus heathens er-wonderin what it all meant, an Christians still sputin on baptism an sancterfercashun, an ever one uv em, boss, er-holdin er fat Afercan heathen twixt him an de fiah. Greeks, Turks, niggers, Jews, Spanyards all dar, boss. Dar wus doctors, still er-lyin an lookin* wise, an when de yudders called fur water de devil had em to dose em io8 "UNCLE WASH" wid quinine an calermel, or cut open de reel bad men huntin fur de pendix. Lawyers? Boss, ef hell only had er bookcase an er dirty carpet, cuspedores an er sweatin lot uv bad-smellin jurors, you d er-thort it wus some ord nary co tehouse wid er fiah attachment. In one corner dey had penned off er lot uv ole wimmens, all talkin an argyin at onct, an I ax Peter whut dey wus, an he sed dey wus de muthers uv de wives uv men, an dey had to be penned off dar ter keep em frum runnin de place an bossin it deyselves. "Dey wus all dar, boss all but de babies, as I wus tellin you. Nurver did I heah de wail uv er little one come up fum de pit, nur de lispuv er lullerby turned into moan. Fur de sweetes Nurse dat ever er baby had, had sed, whilst He was on earth, De little chillun I ll take keer uv dem an dey had all gone to Him. "Day arter day I seed dis; day arter day I carried nations on my back from de partin uv de two ways to de gate whar Peter stood, twell I prayed to die ag in. "An one day, when I thort I c u dn t stan it no longer, dar come along er smilin , quiet man, wid er kind look in his eyes. An dey tole him to mount me an ride up to de hill. But he looked me all over, my puffed legs an sore feet an sweat-caked sides an drawn flank, an he said; No no I wouldn t ride into heab n on the miz ry uv er dumb beast. "An he fotch me some water to squench my thirst, an he tuck off de saddle an bathe my back, an he led me slowly up de hill. An when we come to de gate, Peter looked at im pow ful stonished, an sed: RESURRECTION OF WASHINGTON 109 " Who am you, sah, dat w u d choose ter walk ter heab n when you mout ride? "An den de man look at im quiet-lak, an say, I am nufifin heah, my Lord, an it matters not what my name is. Call me one dat had no creed, an harmed no man, an luved all things, Lord, yea, even de beasts uv de fiel s an* de birds uv de air an de wurm dat creepeth. An so lovin dem, I would not ride even to heab n s gate on de miz ry uv eny beast that Gord has made. "And den dar cum er burst uv music de lak uv which no man ever heurd befo , an a buterful gate on a river I nurver seed befo was flung wide open, an er voice sed: Righteousness an truth have met toguther. What soever you did unto one uv dese you do it also unto me/ "An Peter waved his han an de man was clothed in white an light, an went in de glory gate de onlies one uv dem all dat went in, an I seed dat yudder gate dat ole Kunnel Ketchum an all went in wusn t heab n at all, but just a side entrance to hell an es he went in he waves his han at me an sed; Go back ag in to earth an learn to luve all things dat Gord has made, an yo nabur as yo se f , an befo I knowed it I stood in my grave clothes in de woods uv Bigby, lookin fust at de grave at my feet an den at de skies above me, an wonderin what had happen sense I died." The queer turn the old man gave to his story set me to thinking, and the hidden lesson touched me so no "UNCLE WASH" greatly I could not reply. To throw off its wierdness, I finally said: "Well, what had become of the widow?" " I tole you I wus dead nigh six weeks. My wife, she d marri d ag in, thank God, whilst I wus dead!" HOW UNCLE WASH CAPTURED A BUCK UNCLL WASH was brought up in the days when game was plentiful and he early imbibed the love of the chase, following old "Marster" and the hounds. Even in old age these instincts cling to him, and at the first konk of the Christmas wild goose, or the whistle of the blue teal, he is ready to follow me on the river or in the field. On the river he is a pretty good paddler, but keeps in the bottom of the boat a percussion-cap musket of the the G. D. cap persuasion that shoots anywhere from four drams to a handful of powder, and has been known to kill blue teal so far up the river (and that, too, after my Parker had done its best) that I have sat in the boat in chagrin and amazement. He has often told me he has killed ducks so far off they were dead before they heard the report of the gun! I have had some great hunts with the old man, but of late he is getting old and I have not encouraged him to take risk on the river. I am not sorry; for as he grows older, the spirit of his African pot-hunting ancestry is ever uppermost in his nature, and in spite of all I say, he does not hesitate "for his stomach s sake," as he terms it, to fire into a covey of roosting quail or build a dead-fall for the unsuspecting rabbit. Therefore I am not sorry to relate his latest mis fortune. I had missed him for several weeks but the other darkies had told me he was on his annual foot-washing (ill) ii2 "UNCLE WASH" tour in the barrens of Hickman County. Here, out in the woods, is a church of the faithful old Hardshell Baptists in which Uncle Wash, besides being Chief Priest, is also the " High Exalted Steward of the Towel, " and attends to the job of seeing that the feet of the "bredderin and sisterin " are properly dried after ablution. I was not surpr sed, therefore, to find him not only in bed but swathed in bandages dipped in "dat new kind uv medicine dat makes you a new skin, an Gord knows I need it, " he groaned. "No, no, Marse John, de meetin wus all right. Dis wuzn t no fight, no lection fur deacon dat wusted me. No, no; niggers cum forty miles to git ole- fashion religin an dey feet washed. Fs allers sed our ns de only korrect creed in de wurl , kase it makes de members wash dey feet at least onct er year an dat am mo dan is in de Confession uv Faith uv sum uv de yudders. "Yas, sah, I went down dar in de barrens whar I use ter hunt deer wid ole Marster, an I puts up wid Sis Tilly at Goose Neck Holler. She is de main prop uv de church dar, an she raises de bes bran uv yaller laigs in dem parts. About de thu d mawnin , in de cool an crisp uv dem hills de huntin fever struck me. Dar cum er little haze on de hills at night, sorter misty and sorter still, dat set me to thinkin uv de ole hunts I use ter have wid ole Marster down dar. Ever day, gwine to meetin , I d see squir ls in de trees an patter- ges runnin cross de road, an I knowed dat wa n t all, dat dem barrens wus jes filled wid deer. To make it UNCLE WASH CAPTURED A BUCK 113 wuss, Sis Tilly told me bout er pow ful fine buck she d seed time an erg in cum right up to de cornfield in de clearin ; an dat day when I called up de mo ners at church my body wus dar but my sperit wus on de deer stand down on Swan Creek. I cudn t sleep at night fur thinkin uv dat buck an I cudn t pray in meetin widout usin sech expressions es de hart dat panteth fur de water brooks. "I had de huntin fever bad. And like ever body frum Jonah to Jehosefat dat deserted de Lawd s cause fur de flesh pots uv Egpyt, I got it in de neck or ruther de back, " he said, mournfully as he tried to turn over in bed. "You can fiddle to de Lawd but you can t fool Him, Marse John. "One mawnin jes es day wus breakin I riz up, es wus my custom, an went out in de thicket uv er near by hill fur my mawnin devoshuns. I allers do dis befo breakfus on er empty stomach kase dar is nothin lak er empty stomach to keep er man spir chul an nuthin likeer full un to keep im devilish. I s allers sed that hell wus er place whar dey make er man eat breakfus food all day long and drink sody water at night. "Wai, sah, up de hill I crep fur de bushes. I allers prayed behin er ole log way up de hill side an daylight cotched me er-kneelin down by dat log ready to put up sump n worth while to de throne uv grace, dressed in my preachin clo s. "But jes es I crep up an* knelt, I heerd sump n sorter sigh, like a tired gal in her sleep, jes over de H4 "UNCLE WASH" yudder side uv de log, an my heart stood still fur er minit. I peeped over de log an I mighty nigh drapt dead sho miff, fur dar wus er pair uv fine horns wid five prongs stickin over de top uv de log an dey wus hooked on to de head end uv de bigges buck in Hick- man County. Sum hunter an hounds had gin him er tumble chase de day befo tur he cerried mud on his belly an sides, an es I peeped over wid my heart in my throat, I seed him wiggle his year so happy lak an sigh agin, one uv dem long, happy-gal sighs, layin up dar so safe on de sunny side uv dat log in de woods. "Es I peeped I sed to myse f, Lawd, de righ chus am nurver forsaken, nur do his chillun have to beg fur venison steak. Prayer will keep, O Lawd, bein only wind an repentunce an needin neither pepper nur salt; but dat buck won t, an is liabul eny minnit to start fur parts unknown/ The old man looked out of the window and groaned. It was some time before he spoke again. At last earnestly: "Ain t it strange dat sperement an sper - ence am de only teachers fur er nach ul bawn fool? An dars whar I tumbled into de net uv de Philistines sot by de han uv de devil hisse f. Marse John," whispering it earnestly, "dat wan t no buck hit wus de devil hit wus de ole man hisse f, dat had sumed de form bes calculated to rope me in. You know he c n take eny form he wants to, cordin to de gen l m n he s arter. Sometimes he s er race hoss, sometimes he s er soldier, sometimes he s er oman, sometimes, fur er cheap nigger, he s er fat shote er er yaller laig chicken. But dat mawnin he sized me up oncommon- UNCLE WASH CAPTURED A BUCK 115 ly handy an make me backslide in de only form dat cu d er got me er venison steak fur er empty stomach! "Wal, wal, de profits fell befo me on less n dat. Dat buck wus sho mo temptin dan Esau s mess uv pot-licker an b iled greens an looked gooder to me dan Jonah s whale er Samson s Jew-gal. "I cooned it on all fours back to de cabin. Sis Tilly wus up gittin breakfus . " Sis Tilly! sez I, gimme dat plow line up dar on de peg, quick! Whut s de matter? sez she, I thought you wus up in de bushes er-wrastlin wid de angel in prayer. De Lawd dun told me to wrastle wid sump in else/ sez I, so gimme dat plow line quick ef you want enufT meat to last all winter. "An I lit out. But bein er oman she nachully guessed jes whut it wusn t, an I heerd her call out at me: Brer Washin tun, don t you ketch dat hawg dis time ef he ain t got a crop on one year an a swaller- fork in de yudder. You mout git into trouble. "Some fool folks nurver furgits er man s mischeevious habits uv his youth. "Up de hill I crep on cat-toes, but still dat fool oman kep on er-talkin her voice up dat holler sound like er kalliope an I wus sho sh d wake dat buck. " " Don t ketch dat hawg, Brer Washin tun, I tell you, tell de sun goes down. Lawd/ ef he ain t crazy T "As I crep along I made two good slip nooses in dat rope. One I slips over my head an roun my middle, and de yudder wal, jes wait." n6 "UNCLE WASH" He was sitting up in bed, his eyes gleaming and I, with mouth open, was hastening him on. A sigh: " Jes wait, I say, Marse John I thought I wus er-ket- chin er buck, but I caught de devil. "Up, up, I crawls no cat wus ever mo slyer. My heart kep goin ihumpety thump and choke me so I hatter stop an breathe through my mouth. Up up I slips, crawlin right on my stomach, right up behin de log. I raised my head er little, an thank Gawd, dar riz dem horns jes bove de log lak de fingers uv Faith er-pintin to de better Ian . Thank Gord, he wus still er-dreamin uv his lady-luv an er-sighin to de spirit uv de mornin stars. He wus sleepin es sound es er houn puppy on de door mat in de sun, arter er breakfas uv raw beef liver, pot-licker an bread, an er-snoozin lak er half grown boy at midnight arter er hard day s plowin in new groun . I slip my han over gently slowly, my heart beatin lak er kittle drum an makin sich er noise, I felt sho he heerd it, an den, wid er little thrust, I dropped de noose over dem five prongs- down down ! I seed it settle over his head. I gin er lightin jerk, jumped up, bracin bofe foots agin* de log an as I heerd dat de secret uv tamin wild animuls wus bein kind an swazive, jes to see how it ud take I whispered sorter smilin an sorter swazive in his year: " Cum, buck, you is my pet! "Gord, Boss, it tuck. He riz an I riz. But I had sich a foot-holt an sich er toe-holt an leg-holt I felt dat whut Gord had j ined together no man eu d put asunder, an it made me so happy I commence singin dat good ole song: UNCLE WASH CAPTURED A BUCK 117 " A c-b-a-r-g-e to keep I l-a-v-e! "My Gord, Marse John, how often er man gits er dead cinch on er thing he d lak to turn er-loose! In jes two secon s I seed dar wus mo fittin applecashun in dat ole song dan I had ever dreamed uv. I nurver knowed befo er buck cu d jump from er nap into de nex wurl an take me along wid im. I seed sump in* go up in de air, twixt me an de sun, twenty feet high an headed fur de bottom uv dat steep hill. I felt dat plow line sink out uv sight, three inches deep in my stomach, par lizin me in de Tines wid er grip dat sent er pain clur th oo my kidneys, an leavin me limp es er widder s handkerchief at de grave of her thu d husban , an do I thought I had foot holt enuff to stop er steam injine my legs give away, an somehow it jes seem to me entirely ergreeable to go long wid dat ar buck. An yit not zactly wid im, but allers bout erplow line length behin im, but givin im er close race fur de bottom uv de hill! When he d be up twenty feet in de air I d be on de groun , an when he d be twenty feet down dehill I d be takin er little fresh air up mong de lim s uv de trees. I nurver knowed befo er nigger cu d go so high an ever cum back to earth agin, an" ever jump he made I lost sum uv my linen on de lim s uv de trees an you cu d trail me throo de trees de nex day whar my wool an tattered gyarments wus hung up fur birds nestis. Dar wus only one difFunce twixt dat buck s race an mine fur de bottom uv dat hill; I went jes es high an jes es fur ever jump he made, but he landed right side up on his fo feet on er good spot whilst I landed on eny ole part uv me dat happen n8 "UNCLE WASH" to be nex to de yearth at de time uv Ian din* an* on any ole thing from er stump to er flint bed. It look lak I hated fur im to beat me an when I cu dn t go fast enuff th oo de air I d break my gait an roll an tumble down. "Down de hill we cum, crashin th oo de thickets; some times I d be erhead uv buck an sometimes buck ud be erhead uv me. Es we cum down on de cabin under de hill, buck, lak de joyous creature he wus, thought it bes to go over de top uv de house an es it seem lak I done made up my mind nurver to let im git fur erhead uv me, I followed, scapin off shingles an knockin down de chimbley. I heerd Sis Tilly run to de do an look up mazed an delighted: Glory, hally-luyah, Br er Washin tun iser-playin Sandy Claws erg in an er breakin in er reindeer. " Cut de rope/ sez I, cut de rope fetch de ax, quick ! "Dat make her nearly die laffin ; ha-ha-^-nigger, spile all dis fun an my plow line, too? No, sah! she spon . Br er Washin tun you sho have got im. " Bout dat time I hit de gravel ag in an we started fur Swan Creek er hund ed yards erway. But de nex bump I hit my head erg in er stump an it sorter brighten me uper little. I felt I wuz er-dyin an er-gwine to my death an den I seed jes whut it all meant, dat I had bin sent by de Lawd on de hill-top to pray, but lak His chillun uv ole I d raced arter de flesh pots uv Egypt. Lak Jonah, I wus doin jes de thing He d tole me to let erlone. " I wus gwine down dat hill clipperty-clip-bang, but UNCLE WASH CAPTURED A BUCK 119 er man sees de pint mighty quick in er tight place an I started in to put up dat prayer I d neglected, fur I seed it wa nt gwineter keep no longer an dat I had failed in my blindness to terpret de meanin uv de whole thing an stid uv dat buck layin so peaceful gin dat log bein intended fur er burnt sacrifice fur my stomach, he wus jes de ole devil hisse f dar to entice me from de true path. " I lak ter died sho nuff when dis dawned on me an* dat I hilt de devil hisse f an nuthin but er plow line twixt him an me. But thank Gawd, by dis time he wus sorter winded an now an den he d holler out bab-bab, sorter mad lak ef I failed to cum fas nuff, an es I went er-rollin an er-tumblin down dat hill heah is de prayer Sis Tilly say she heerd, es she cum to her senses at last an tuck in de fix I wus in : O, Lawd (bab! bumpety-bump!) furgive an have mercy! (bab-bab! bumperty-bump) . Cut dis rope, Oh Lawd, an I ll cut fur de prayer meetin (bab! wbiz~{ip!). I ll pray all day, O Lawd (bab wbi^-tb-u-mp! dam! dat s er stump!) Scuse me, O Lawd! Cut dis line fur I s tied to de devil an racin to (wback-bab dat s er flint pile!). Cut it an I ll nurver go back on you erg in so he p me Gord! (Bumpty-bump cr-a-sb). Tarna- shun ! we ve butted down Sis Tilly s bee gum an de pesky things hes kivered me an buck, too, but thank Gord he s headed lak P inter fer deep water. Head us, O Lawd, cut dis line an I ll go back to preachin an dis ole buck c n go to "De bees had sot dat buck er-fiah es well es me an* when he put off to de deep hole at de crick not fifty foot 120 "UNCLE WASH" erway, now pullin me long lak er sled, I tole im he cu dn t git into water too quick fur me. "Ker-cbunk-bah, he hit de water. O Lawd, sez I, (blub-bl-u-b bl-u-b) an my head went under but it wus better n bees. " I heerd Sis Tilly er-screamin on de bank an er- wavin er ax es I went down. Jes lak er fool oman, allers too late. "Up we cum an I seed him hit de yudder bank an er-doin my best to beat him to it. My head cum up at last an I wus mad es er hornet. I braced myself agin de bank an to my joy I seed I d stopped him. Den I wus sorry fur back he turn , stood on his hin legs, sed babl babl an butted me back into dat crick, knockin me senseless. Gawd, chile I tell you he wus de devil! " But still I felt lak I wanted to go wid him, dat we wus united till death us do part, an I feel myse f bumperty-bumperty over de groun an up de bank. Den jes es I give up an shet my eyes I thought dat Pisgah had fell on me an I seed dat buck fling up his head an fall back sprawlin . It wus Sis Tilly an her half ton uv sainted Christyun Faith. She sot on my chist to hold me down. I seed de buck snort and try to rise but he wus anchored on de beach lak de whale dat swaller s Jonah. I heerd her say, cum, reindeer, you kerryin dis jun too fur 1 , an down cum her ax an I went to sleep. "But you had some fine venison the next day," I said consolingly. The old man groaned: "Didn I tell you dat wa nt UNCLE WASH CAPTURED A BUCK 121 no deer? No, sah, I wouldn te ch it I give im to er nigger and he said he cooked er roast two days an it give out little blue flames. He tried to eat er piece an de more he chawed it the bigger it got an so he throwed the whole thing in the crick an it made the water siz for er mile an er ha f. T wus de devil, I tell you, but you cain t teach white fo ks nuthin . Who but de devil cu d fix me lak dat? I started frum de top uv dat hill dressed in my Prince Albert preachin coat, my broadcloth pants, er cellarlord collar, er good pair uv shoes an er whole skin, an when I cum to I didn t have on nuthin but my shoes. O, gimme er drink, Marse John, and go on home! You cain t splain nuthin to white fo ks. Sides dat de ole man wants to go to sleep!" THE BALKING MULE I was reading to Uncle Wash the other night, a very interesting book "Wild Animals I Have Owned." The old man listened and said that it was mostly lies. "Now I can t write er book on WiP Animules I have owned, but gwine back er long life an thinkin uv all its correspondences, both comin an gwine, I cu d write er good size vollyum on Wild Animules Dat Have Owned Me! An de fust pair uv dese dat I rickollect wus my fust mother-in-law an* er balkin mule named Tommy Pete. I menshuns em togedder beca se I got possessed uv bofe uv em de same year, one by matrimony an de other by get- your-money, fur de man dat put off Tommy Pete on me sho got-my-money en fur nothin . " Dis pair didn t fit nothin else in de wurl but each other an dar dey wus dead matches. Dey bofe balked on de rest uv de wurl but dey nurver balked on each yudder. Tommy Pete wouldn t pull fer me er plow line tied to his collar, but he wus allers ready to take my mother-in-law to de meetin whar he d spen de day in de shade uv er ellum switchin flies ofTen de face uv annurr mule whilst de yudder mule turn d de favor in kind. "An* my mother-in-law wus jes es satisfied inside singin all day bout Zion, de happy Ian an de stream dat flowed thru heab n, while Dinah, my wife, spent her time washin fur de fambly by de stream dat flowed THE BALKING MULE 123 thru de back yard, an I spent mine ho in cohn when I orter been plowin it. "Tommy Pete wus bohn balkin so de man tole me arter I traded. He sed Tommy Pete nurver did want to be bohn. "De fus time he balked on me wus on er possum hunt an jes when I had de bigges possum up de leetles tree. Befo I cu d get him to ondustan by all kinds uv moral swashun (de last argyment bein a cedar rail wid er knot in it) dat possum meat wus good fur man to eat, de possum got erway. " Frum dat time on he went into er steady decline- chiefly declinin to wurk. I allers thought he caught de disease frum my mother-in-law, fur lak her, he wan pertickler whut he declined ef he got it into his head dat I wanted it de yudder way. Ef I wanted to go to de fiel, he wanted to go to de village sto whar loafm niggers wus. Ef I wanted to ride him home, he "wanted me to walk. Ef I wanted him to go to water, he wanted to waller, an ef I wanted to wuck him, law, wal, be jes wanted ter see me do it! "Wai, sah, I tried ever thing on him. One Sunday he balked at church arter meetin wus out an I had Dinah in de wagon an de preacher wus gwine to go home wid us an eat our yaller laig. "Wal, he saved us de yaller laig by dat balk. Fur arter I d lambasted him wid ever thing I cu d lay my han s on, frum er hick ry stick to de hitchin pos in de front uv de church, an had used up all my own lan guage an ha f uv de devil s, de preacher he say very solemnly, Be keerful uvyour remarks in de -presence uv i2 4 "UNCLE WASH" dervinity, Br er Washin ton, an let me try moral swashun on Mm Mi s de greates force in de universe. "All right/ says I, "Parson, but I ll jes tell you to stan in his front ter swade him fur he s tickler sot agin moral swashun an when it comes ter kickin he can kick es fur in front as behin . 1 O dat ain t it, sed de parson, Ts gwine whisper er few consolin words in his year, de p int bein to distract his attenshun frum hisse f. You don t ondustran erbalkin mule, Br er Washin ton hit s all de result uv nervous se f conshusness an de t ing is to get dey thorts ofTen deyse f. Now jes watch me/ an he proached Tommy Pete wid er glad, happy smile, tuck holt uv his year an gun to whisper somethin to him. "I don t know whut he whispered to him, Marse John, but it muster bin de mos tarnel insult dat er man ever offered to er mule, an fore I cu d tell him to be keerful, an dat Tommy Pete wus orful tickler bout who whispered in his years, Tommy Pete tole him. Fur sudden-lak he flung his head sideways, butted de parson back ards an den kicked him clear over de wagon into er huckerberry bush. "Wai, sah, we poured water on de parson s head fur two days an he laked nurver to ciyn to. He didn t kno nuffin. When I thort he wus sorter cumin round, I sed: "Parson, what in de worl did you say to make him so mad? " But all he cu d do wus to moan in his sleep lak he wus preachin er sermon an mumblin , An Moses THE BALKING MULE 125 struck de rock in de wilderness an de waiah gushed forth! "An when he cum to he nurver cu d member whut he sed dat made Tommy Pete so mad. " But dar wus no preachin in Zion fur two months, thank Gord! " Wai, sah, dat insultin remark uv de preacher jes seem to fix im in his ways, an he looked lak he wanted to take it all out on me. But when my mother-in-law died, he played it lowdown on me, to beat de ban . I p inted him chief mourner, kase dey nurver had been separated in life an I wanted em togedder in death an selected him es chief pall bearer fur to carry his ole frien to de grave. Dis I thought he d do wid dat same pleasure I d er done myse f, fur she wus er good oman in spite uv her ways. We gin de ole lady er fine sen -ofT. We hed er succession er mile long, includin two surreys, er rockaway an er hayrake six niggers bein perched on one hayrake. Tommy Pete hauled her in de spring wagon two miles erfore it got into his head dat burryin de ole lady wus jes whut I wanted him to do, an den he balked an we had to tote her five miles whilst Tommy Pete stood by de roadside an wept. "Law, he wus dat onnery! "Wai, sah, I civored him at las , leastwise Marse Jim did. I driv im to town one day, an Dinah bein busy wid de week s washin , I took Sis Tilly long to see ole John Roberson s sho . "I calklated Tommy Pete wanted to see de animules hisse f (I allers had to calklate on whether it suited 126 "UNCLE WASH" Tommy Pete or not), an dat he d enjoy de cirkis bout es well es we did. En he did. I hitched him nigh an he nearly laffed his fool se f to death at de trick mule an I even seed im rubbin noses wid de elerfunt es much es to say, Wai, ole feller, ef I bad yo bulk I d be er balker sbo nuff! "It wus late when de sho turned out an I thought sho Tommy Pete ud go home in er hurry to keep warm, after havin sech er happy day; but he got it into his head dat de sho wus got up jes fur his spechul benerfit an dat he orter watch de elerfunt an de trick mule fur ever, an he balked wid us jes in front uv de drug store, blockin de main street uv de town. "It wus de wuss place in de wurl fur him to sta n fur dar wus er big crowd an hit s one uv de leetle hap- its uv humanity fur ev body to get erroun er balkin hoss or mule an tell de po hacked devil in de wagon whut he already knows dat bit s er onnery cuss bes got dar, an wby don t you make bim go on? Now er balkin mule is es ole es ole Joseph Potifur (an I uster heah ole Marster laff an say dat Joseph wus de fus balkin mule uv which hist ry has eny recud), an though dar ain t nurver been nothin knowed to break em uv de habit, still dar am fools yet who b leeves it kin be done. "Dey wus soon erroun me tellin me how. Long sperience wid Tommy Pete had tort me pashens, which is deonly Christian virtue er balkin mule will bring in de sheaves to you, an knowin frum long sperience dat dese fools must each have his say, me an Sis Tilly jes folded our han s an waited until Tommy Pete finished wid em. THE BALKING MULE 127 "An* dey wus all soon dar. " De fus man tuck er piece uv scrap iron an pecked on Tommy Pete s fo foot. "Den Tommy Pete pecked on his n an de doctor he sed afterwards he wus mighty proud because he didn t have ter take off but two uv de man s toes. "An me and Sis Tilly we jes sot still. " De nex man wus jes passin by (dat s one uv de sho signs uv er dinged fool, dat he can t pass by er balkin hoss widout stoppin to tell de driver how to make him go), an of co se he hed to stop an try. He tuck casion to tell all de crowd dat he were frum Bosting an dat he b longed to de Society Fur De Prevenshun of Hurtin De Feelin s uv Things an I s gwin ter sho you good people right now, sez he, how fur kindness will go on er dumb animule. He patted Tommy Pete fecshunately on de nose, an tuck him by de bit an sed: Now, my good fellow, don t be sore on yo job but jes move out an do yo duty now, do! But me an Sis Tilly we sot still, an when he cum to arter grovelin roun on de groun an foamin at de mouf an sayin over an over ag in, Liberty an union, now an forever, he wus er whole site sorer on his job den Tommy Pete wus on his n. "An me and Sis Tilly we sot still. " I tried to stop de man dat b ilt de fiah under Tommy Pete, fur I knowed whut ud happen an it ud jes fetch on mo wuck fer me. But I acted as quick as I cu d an by totin de wagon aroun sideways an strainin my shoulder, I saved it. " Dis made me b ilin mad an when er fool nigger 128 "UNCLE WASH" cum up it jes dawned on him whut wus up an he say, sorter laughin . Why, Uncle Wash, dat ole mule won t draw will he? " Yes, sez I, he sho does he draws ever damn fool in ten miles of him ! "Den I went in de drug sto an I asked Marse Jim ef he didn t have somethin dat ud move dat mule. " I seed Marse Jim reachin fur de salts bottle, but when I splained to him dat I wanted him to move up de road, an dat quick, fur it wus nigh to night an pow ful cold, he laughed an sed sure, an reached fur de Gypsy Juice. He cum out an sed to me: Now be ready/ an he stuck er leetle syringe under Tommy Pete s hide an jected it. " I made er grab fur de lines but I wus too late. I seed Sis Tilly turn out back ards es I heurd er rumble an er snort an up dat street went Tommy Pete, wagon an all beatin Star P inter s time! I seed him go over de hill to ards Hickman County an I turned to Marse Jim an I sed: " Marse Jim, whut wus dat worth? " I don t charge you but a nickel, Wash, he sed, laughin fit to kill. " Wai, Marse Jim; se{ /, fur Cord s sake jes injec ten cents worth into me fur I s now got to ketch de infurnel ole fool! "But I didn t. Nurver heurd of him ag in, an* I s allers hoped he s gone to jine my mother-in-law." HIS LITTLE PREACHER TTHE other day I was whistling that coon song: " All coons look alike to me. " The old man was poisoning potato bugs on our second crop of Irish potatoes. It was getting along "to d s de shank uv de evenin ," as I had heard him so often express it, and I have noticed that about that time the old man is always hunting for some excuse to stop working. " Dar am jes two sho nuff fools in dis wurl, " I have heard him say, "one am de man dat wucks all de time an de yudder am de oman dat don t wuck at all. " I was not surprised, then, to see the old man set down his can of Paris green and water and give vent to a prolonged laugh. I have learned that the way to catch the old man is to get him when he is "fit and ready" the same as a horse when he is expected to break the record and I might carry it further and say you can t always tell when he is ready. But there are certain signs you can go by. And so the old man has signs, too that he is ready to go a heat in an old time yarn and one is when the sun gets low and the bugs high when a watermelon is waiting in the spring trough and the sheep on the hill begin to come out from the shaded woods for their evening meal in the meadow now cooling with the condensing shadows of a setting sun. 9 (129) 130 "UNCLE WASH" The sign he gives is a furtive glance around and a big, chuckling laugh. I had cut around the melon with my pocket-knife, and broken it open on a big rock, which left the jagged, juicy heart bulging out in a tempting lump. But I divided as equally as I could, under the circumstances, and as we sat in the shade of the elm by the big spring I shoved him his half and said: "Now that s for what you were laughing at just now out with it." " I doan blame white folks fur sayin all coons look erlike, fur I tried it onct and I thou t I knowed my own kid thou t ef it cum to de scratch I cu d do lak er hoss an tell im by his smell, enyway. But when I wus put to de test I foun dey not only all look alike, but smell alike, too an* dar s whar I cum mighty nigh gittin into de wuss scrape I ever got into. "Way back in slavery time, when er young p ar uv niggers ud marry, de rule wus dey wus to live wid de gal s muther ontwel de fust chile was bohn. Ole mar- ster useter la f an wink an tell me it wus er trick uv de white folks to mek em hurry up wid de fus chile! Jinerally we didn t need no hurryin for ole Daddy Stork is mighty kind to young folks, spesh ly niggers, which wus p uffectly nat ul, you know rangin all de way in his visertachuns frum er few weeks arter de suremony to es menny months fur no nigger dat had eny manhood an independence wanted to be pendin* on his wife s mammy eny longer den he cu d he p it! Den arter de chile wus bohn de marster ud give er log- HIS LITTLE PREACHER. 131 rollin an er house-buildin jinerally oner Sad dy arter de crop wus laid by an all de niggers frum de joinin farms ud cum over, fetch dey wives an babies, an* whilst de men cut logs an put up de cabin, de wimmen and gals ud quilt de young p ar er quilt or two an cook er big dinner uv gumbo soup and greens An if de baby dat de young fo ks had wus er boy de rule was dat Marster had to fling in er good big lam , es er kind uver free gratis prize fur em gittin er boy, an den Lord, boss, de barbycue an de stew we did have ! In dem days eny man in Tennessee cu d still de fruit uv his own orchard and not pay no rivernew, an Marster had er nigger named Pete Gallerway dat cu d beat de wurl makin apple-brandy. Every fawl he d still Marster twenty gallons an it ud stay in de cellar twell de naixt fawl, an Lord, by dat time it wus dat kind uv stuff dat ef you drunk it in dis wurl it seem ter kinder tel fone to de angels in de naixt! It wus so ra ar an ripe you cu d jes put de stopper outen de bottle in yo bootlegs an cudn t keep from cuttin de pigeon-wing to save yo life an er singin dat song we sung den : " Cum down ter Tennessee, (Ride er ole gray hoss.) Yaller gal s de gal fur me, (Ride er ole gray hoss.) Kiss her under de Mulberry tree, (Ride er ole gray hoss.) O my, nigger, don t you see, Better cum ter Tennessee! 132 UNCLE WASH" " I tell you, boss, dey kin preach all dey please ergin good licker an de famblys it busts up, but I s knowed menny er man to git er drink jes in time ter keep outen er divorcement. I don t see how sum men cu d live wid de wives dey got ef dey cudn t tak er drink an furgit dey miz ry now an den! Wai, in erbout three moons it wus my time to have er house-buildin an I wus mighty proud uv de job. Dinah wus kinder dissociated kase she d sot her h art on de fus baby bein yaller. Er oman, uv course, ain t got no reason fur eny thing dey jes goes by instinct, I reckin an de onlies reason she had for spectin an wantin er yaller baby wus dat she was allers mighty fond uv sorrel hosses an she natur ly hoped her fust child ud be er sorrel. It cum black, of course jes lak me, an arter I opened his mouth an seed he hed one tooth already cum an ernudder comin an wus reddy fur eatin de fus day, I knowed he wus Br er Washingtun up ter the thu d an fo th jinerashun. But Dinah she tuck it mighty hard an lowed she d nurver git over he s not bein er sorrel wid black p ints! " I say he wus black, but did yo ever see er right young nigger? A buzzard, you kno , is hatched white an turns black, an so er nigger is bohn red an turns black, It s funny but it s so. A simon p wore nigger when bohn is red wid er leetle bunch uv wooly h ar on his head, an five holes in his face, de two leetle ones in de center being whar his nose gwineter be. Dey ain t no mistakin his mouth, fur dat s de bigges part uv his vizerbles, an in jineral lang widge you mout say it curls up on de north an is bounded by hes h ar, an* HIS LITTLE PREACHER. 133 curls down on de south an is bounded by his belly-ban*. He s red, ceptin de skin uv his head, which is sorter yaller, but on the thu d day begin ter turn black jes erbove de eyes, and in er few weeks he s all black ceptin de bottom uv his hands an feet, his wottles an hock fethers, de tip uv his stomach an de spot whar he sets on all day. "Wai, arter de cabin wus put up an de sun had set, de big stew wus sarved wid apple brandy an den, Lord, de fun sho started! Course I c u dn t be in it much de dancin an juberlashun under de trees case I wus de keeper uv de lam s, it bein my house-raisin an my fus-bohn. Now de keeper uv de lam s is dis: de wimmin folks allers bring dey babies along ter de dance an de house raisin an when de house is up an de floor laid an night cums an de games begins, de babies is all suckled an laid out, ever one on his own sheepskin, on de flo uv de new house fur ter go to sleep, an de daddy uv de new-bohn kid is called de keeper uvde lam s an must set dar an watch em an nuss em whilst de yudders eat an play. It s hard, but it s de onwritten law, an de objec am to give de new daddy er lesson in pashents an nussin an keerin furchilluns. "Wai, dey wus forty on em, mighty nigh de same age, wid er fair sprinklin uv sorrels an browns, whilst sum look lak dey mouten be made outen new saddles an jinger cakes. It went ergin me mightily to be pestered wid all er dem new colts wid dey projeckin ways, but I had er big bottle uv apple brandy an tucker little consolashun frum it now an den myse f, an ever time er kid ud wake up, I d jes gin im er stiff 134 "UNCLE WASH" drink uv apple brandy an stick de big toe uv de kid jes above him in hes mouth ter suck on twell he dozed off. Dey wus three long rows on em. I ll sw ar, boss, ef onct I didn t have em all konnected dat away lak links in er sauasge. Dat an de brandy focht em ever time an I wus jes chucklin ter myse f at whut erfine nuss I wus, an dat I c u d soon be able to go out an* hug de gals, too, when dey all commence to have de jim-jams in dey sleep seein snakes an things an howlin an* wigglin , an frum de way some on em s eyes bulged out dey must er had elerfants an rino- cerasses arter em, too. Wai, suh, I broke fur de stable an got er quart bottle uv stuff we gin de mules fur de colic asserfedity an h artshorn, ladernum an* tu pentine, all mixed an den I got de vinerger funnel to git it down, an I drenched ever one on em wid dat mule medercine, stuck ever one s toe in de naixt one s mouth an put em ter sleep ergin. "Sum on em didn t wake up fur er week, but dat ain t de tale I tellin now. "I tuck ernurr drink outen de bottle an den I happen ter see one uv de lam s dat struck my eye. He wus de preacher s kid, whose daddy, er yaller feller, ole mistis had larned im to read an write an he tuck to preachin , and his lam wus er bright sorrel wid flax mane an tail, an es he was erbout de size uv my little coon I thou t I d play er joke on de wimmin folks, bein es how Dinah wus sot on havin er yaller kid. So I ups an changes de clothes an puts de yaller preacher s lam on our sheepskin an ourn on de yuther s pallet. Wai, sah, de mo I thort uv it de funnier it seemed, HIS LITTLE PREACHER. 135 an den I laffed twell I nearly wake em up again an tuck ernurr drink an went in ter swap em all off. I d pick out two erbout de same size an* sex an changed dey clothes an bed, an when I got through dere wa nt nary one on em dat u d know hisse f from de naixt one, an es dey all smelt erlike I didn t see how dey mammies wus ever gwine ter git em straight ergin. Course I spected er lot uv fun when de games broke up an tuck ernurr drink an fix fur ter see it. But hit seems de niggers played on twell one o clock an forgot all erbout time ontwell one uv de patteroles de mounted poleece dat kept niggers from prowlin at night in dem days rid up wid er hickory whip an tole em it wus time fur to go to bed. Dis skeered em so dey all lit out an ever oman jes bundled up her baby an left, an not one uv em knowed de difference. Es dey all lived from one ter ten miles erroun on de farms, thinks I, dar ll be lots uv fun in de mawnin ! Dinah tuck ernurr look at hern befo she went to sleep, an den I heurd her whoop: Glory, she said, my chile is done turned yaller glory glory! She heard uv it bein done onct befo an b leeved it. Wai, I seed she had her h art sot on it so bad I lowed I d let it go at dat, specially es dey nurver had been er preacher in de family, but all er mine hed tuck to hoss racin an Dinah wus so happy over it she c u dn t sleep. "I sed dar u d beer time in de mawnin , but bless you soul, honey, it started befo day. Lights wus seen flashin ever where an niggers wus runnin roun wailin an* weepin an wonderin . De black uns had 136 "UNCLE WASH" yaller babies an yaller uns had black uns, de upper crust had scrub babies an de lettle black cohn fiel scrubs wus in de highes nigger socshul swim wid de house gals an maids an qualerty niggers. Wuss en all, de chilluns jes slept rat on an didn t seem to keer whar dey wus an who dey b longed to. I tell you, boss, ef you ever gits bothered bout yo chap not goin to sleep, jes gin im er good dose uv hoss medercine ! "It u d been all right, an jes erjoke ef dey hadn t stirred up ole Voodoo Jake, de witch doctor. He lowed de babies wus all right but dey had been voo dooed an de culler changed, an he d hafter rub em all wid de ile uv er black cat killed in de full moon on de grave uv er man dat had been hung fur murder, an dey d be all right. Er nigger jes nachu lly b leeves all dis, specially all dem dat had de yaller babies an not one on em ud gin em up. "An dat s hu cum I got er yaller off-spring in my family ter-day, I am sorry ter say. But arter erwhile it got sorter mernoternous, an I thort I d lak ter git my own black baby back, an I tole ole Marser whut I done, an sum uv de niggers raised sech er stir dat de white folks hilt er meetin an did git sum on em back ag in, but dey s jes about ha f uv em now in dat community dat don t kno who dey daddies is. But dat s nachul, you kno . But Dinah hed got stuck on de yaller baby, an de preacher s wife on de black one, an tho I kicked erbout it I c u dn t do nuflfin . I tole ever body how I dun it fur er joke, but dey all sed I wus sech er liar dey wouldn t b leeve me. Ole Marser laff, an say he hated to swap off er good black colt fur cr HIS LITTLE PREACHER. 137 yaller one, but ef it suited de wimmin folks it suited him, an so dar I wus. "Wai, dey soon found I wus right, for when de boys growed up er leetle, an* big nufT fur dey pedergree to sho up, whut you reckin my black un dun fore he ten yeahs ole? De preacher tuck im ter camp meetin an he got up er mule race on de outside an broke up his daddy s campmeetin one day by ridin ole Marster s gray mule cl ar over er bunch uv mourners an spite uv punishment an pra ars arter dat, he tuck to ole Marster s stable an dey ain t nurver got him out of it yit. "An dat yaller dorg I got, he warn t long showin de mettle uv his pasture an de proof uv his pedergree," and the old man sighed and looked troubled. "How?" I asked. "Marse John," he said sadly, "befo he wus ten yeahs ole he stole ever yaller legged chicken in de na borhood." MISS KITTY O heah de banjo ringin , O heah de tamboreen; O heah de darkies singin , Susanna, she s my queen. O cum, my luve; O cum, my luve, wid me; We ll dance an sing down by de simmon tree. O heah de banjo ringin , O heah de tamboreen; O heah de darkies singin , Susanna, she s my queen. A SONG in type is as unsatisfactory as one of Na ture s pastels on pasteboard, and the simple negro melody above sounds nothing like the vibrating notes that floated, not long ago, into my window, fresh from the echoing strings of a banjo. I could not resist it, and on going out I found Uncle Wash under the elm that shaded his cabin door. The moonbeams glittered askance, flecking the earth with silvered blossoms and changing each flooded leaf into a night-blooming flower. The distant notes of a tree-frog came from the forest beyond, while the regular cadences of a whippoorwill added just the tinge of weirdness necessary to form the background of a banjo song. In darky language, the old man was "makin the banjo hum," and for melody and sweetness, in the hands of a master, there is no instrument more weirdly musical. (138) THE OLD MAN WAS MAKING THE BANJO HUM. MISS KITTY. 139 To-night Old Wash was beside himself. The brass thimble on his "pickin finger" flashed in the moon light; his foot patted in unison, and fluttered like a black bat trying to leave the earth. Even his body kept time and swayed to and fro with the music. I listened in silent delight. The tune I had heard before, but not the words, for he was improvising as he played. "De little stars am winkin , Dey bout ter go ter sleep; De pale moon now am sinkin , An daylight shadders creep. O cum, my luve, we ll dance Ferginny reel; De sun am up an shinin ; now fur de cotton fiel*. O heah de banjo ringin , O heah de tamboreen; O heah de darkies singin , Susanna, she s my queen." " Go on, old man, " I said : " Give me that song again. You almost make me feel like going courting again. What s the matter with you? Thinking about start ing all over in life?" "No, sah; taint dat, sah," laughed the old man, " taint dat. Dey s too much moss on de old tree fur de leaves ter cum ergin. De sap can t rise when de bark am dead. De leaves fall off when de cotton boll open. Didn t you nurver think erbout it?" He added after a moment s thought, "De soul don t nurver gro ole ef it s lived right. De head gits white an de lim s weak an de eyes dim, but de soul gits i 4 o "UNCLE WASH" younger es it grows older, de ole man gits mo lak er boy es he goes down de hill. Nachur kinder seems to ease us off de stage uv life gently, lak she fotch us in. In our ole age we gits young ergin an childish an happy. We even try ter kick up our heels ergin an be funny an magine we gwinter live er long, long time yit. Sho me de ole man don t keer how ole he am dat don t spec ter live at least ten yeahs longer. Dat s Nachur s way uv foolin us, sah; dat s her way uv puttin her babies ter sleep de las long sleep. Put- tin em ter sleep contented lak, an happy, thinkin dey ll wake in de mornin an be younger ergin. " I tell you, sah, ole Marster s mighty good ter us. He could er put us heah widout hope ef he d er wanted to; he could er put us heah widout sweet dreams, widout vishuns uv er better wurl, widout dat onpur- chasabul feelin dat cums to us when we knows we dun right widout even de blessed Book. But he didn t. An so we dream on to de last an hope to de last, an b leeve we gwinter be better an stronger to-morrer an cling to de Good Book fur de sweetes promis uv dem all de promis dat we ll live ergin. "No, sah," he continued, as he threw off his solemn tone and brightened up a bit, "no, sah, sho es you live right you ll git younger es you gro older. Why, sah, de oldes man or woman in de wurl am de middle- aiged, chillun-raisin , money-makin , bizness-wurry- in , ain t-got-no-time-to-eat folks. Dey am de ole ones, fur older den de gray haids lak me dat dun laid erside all dese heah trashy things an got to romantin ergin. MISS KITTY. 141 "Why, whut you reckon I wus thinkin erbout to night?" asked the old man, as he looked sheepishly around at the doorway, in which sat Aunt Dinah, his wife. This dusky lady had been listening, apparently unconcerned at the old man s narration, but filling the still night air with the fragrant breath of "deer tongue and Williamson leaf," as the smoke curled up from her newly-made cob pipe. "Thinkin about marrying again?" I asked, as I glanced suspiciously at Aunt Dinah, and then I watched her shuffle her feet disdainfully as she stopped smoking long enough to remark laconically: "Jest let im go on, young Marster let im super- seed," she said as she followed her usual custom of throwing in some big word sounding something like the one she was trying to use. "Let im superseed. He has dese fits ever, now an den, an de bes way ter stop im am to let im run down lak you hafter do dese heah old-fashuned clocks. Whut er indebibul wurkin appleratus he d be," she said ironically, "ef he wus only es game in der tater patch as he am in de moon- light.- The old man glanced sorrowfully at the doorway and continued: "Ternight I jes gotter thinkin erbout my young Mistis, Miss Kitty, de younges dorter uv Marse Robert Young; de chile uv his ole aige, by his secon wife, de pooty leetle Yankee guv ness dat cum down frum Bosting. She cum down ter teach ole Marster s yudder gals, but she got ter luvin her skolers so she married dey daddy so she cud be er mammy to em. Ain t it strange how wimmen folks will git up eny 142 "UNCLE WASH" kinder excuse to marry on? Wy, I knowed, em ter marry fur indergestion an dat tired feelin ," laughed the old darky, as he winked at me and then glanced at the cabin door. "Wai, she made em er good muther an ole Marster er good wife, ef she did luve cod-fish balls an baked beans. An her dorter, Miss Kitty ! Why, man erlive, dat Yankee cross on our Southern stock jes got up de pooties gal dat ever said Yas to young luve. She had all de brains an intellec uv her mammy s side wid all de grace an beauty an high breedin an lily-com- plecshun uv us Youngs. Her mammy was allers dead in fur edercashun, an so ole Marster saunt an got er three guv nesses; one fur edercashun, one fer musica- shun, an one fur dressercashun ; an my! how she did shine when she growed up! She wus de pooties gal dat ever trod blue grass, de queenlies one dat ever gethered up her trail, an de sweetes one dat ever pulled er rose in er golden bower whar de hunny- suckers gethers de dew-draps an de turkel dove sings in de moonlight. I wus de kerridge driver an kep de horses, an es I uster drive her about an see her wid all her grace an beauty git in an out de ker ridge, I tell you I wus thankful it wus me dat had charge uv her an not my ancestors in Affercur fur dey would have et er up, thinkin she wus sum kinder plumidged bird uv de golden pheasant tribe. "Endurin her seventeenth yeah, Marse Robert s bes frien died in Alerbama an lef Marse Robert gyardeen fur his son, Henry Robert Littleton, an he soon cum out to Tennessee kose he had no close kin MISS KITTY 143 livin an Marse Robert wanted to raise im, though he wus nineteen dat fall. An he wus er fine young man, sah; es gentle es er gal an es nervy es er red-bird in de settin time. Ef by accerdent he got in de wrong, he d mighty nigh stan enythin to git right ergin; but onc t in de right he d fight fur er eyelash. Wy, I onc t seed im pollergize to de overseer, who was allers over-barin an cussin , stead uv actin . Jes think uv it! pollergize to de overseer! kose he happen not to know de overseer s orders one day an saunt one uv de han s on ernudder erran . T would er made no diff rence ef he hadn t pollergized fur it, but common trash can t stan quality an allers mis takes gentleness fur lak uv grit, an Marse Henry s humbleness made de po white trash uppish an he snapped out dat he didn t spec no better raisin from er boy had cum frum sech er cracker state es Alerbama hoo hoo e! dat s es fur es he got Marse Henry knocked im down three times befo he cud git up onc t. " Bringin two sech nachurs togedder under de same roof am mighty nigh de same thing es mixin shampain an red lips, an I seed de thing wus fixed up betwixt em befo ole Marster caught on an saunt de boy, as he called im, to Ferginny to finish his aigucashun. But dat didn t do no good; enybody dat had ever seed Miss Kitty en cud ferget er ain t de kinder folks de gods luve ter kill young, an arter he ben dar fo yeahs an finish his aigucashun heah he cum back to Ten nessee ergin. Yore haid s level, Marse Henry, sez I to myself; de right kinder man don t fall in luve but onc t an den he strikes de pyore metal or de wuss 144 "UNCLE WASH" pocket uv flint dat ever turned er pick; an* in yore case ef you ain t struck de pore metal I s black! "An I s heurd uv Romeo an Greece an all dem ole luvers," said the old man learnedly, "but de way dese heah two young folks luved one ernudder befo de summer went by wus ernuf to make all de yudder aiges take in deir signs. Dat s de Happies time uv ever body s life, enyhow," he soliloquized: "We ain t got much brains at dat stage, kose Nachur didn t intend us ter have em; ef we did we wouldn t git kotch in de trap she sets fur us de trap uv matermony. Arter we gits kotched, " said the old man as he shook all over with quiet laughter "arter we gits kotched, we s lak de fox in de fable dat got his tail in de steel trap we kerry it roun wid us ever whar we go an make out lak hits des whut we wus lookin fur all de time, an er butiful ornerment but, Lor, hit pinches mighty hard all de same." (A vigorous, jerky puffing in the doorway and clouds of outraged smoke went up to the stars !) "An whut you reckon my idee uv Heaben is?" queried the old man emphatically. " Hit s er blessed place way up on sum star, whar de Good Marster lows us ter fall in luve ever day, but never lows us ter spile de dream by marryin fur dat would sho bust up Heaben!" he said as he shot another look at the doorway. " An I kin prove it by de Scripturs deysef, " he continued. "Don t de Scripturs say dar shall be no marryin nur givin in marriage? an don t dey also teech us dat up in Heaben we will all luv one ernudder? Well, jes, put dem two arguments toged- MISS KITTY 145 der an tell me how you gwinter git erround em, sah? Don t dat prove de p int?" "I don t wish to get around them," I laughed, "they seem to be good doctrine; but go on with your story." "Wai, sah, de match wus de talk uv de country, as bein de mos suiterabules one dat ever wus. "Marse Henry an Miss Kitty! When I thinks uv dem ternight I kin see de dew on de young grass uv life, de roses in de gyarden uv luve, an de stars in de skies uv happiness. I smell de flowers uv de past ergin lak dey uster smell when I wus young. I see de long walks in de shade uv de ellums an de oaks, an de breaf uv de primroses floats over de gyarden. I see de hoss-back rides when de flutter uv Miss Kitty s ribbon meant de flag uv de yunerverse to Marse Henry, an de perfume on her bit uv lace han kerchief brought up de sweetes fragrance frum de depths uv his hart. Her eyes wus so bright dey d bring him up befo day, lak de sun befo its time, an her cheeks wus es butiful es de mohnin skies erbloom. "Oh, dar am luves an luves, but dar am only jes one fus luve fur us all. De make-shifts arter dat am lak tryin to make de red rosebud bloom twict. " But sumhow ruther ole Marster had his haid sot on er young lawyer in town dat dey called Capin Estes, dat wus also courtin Miss Kitty, lak ever body else dat seed er, an ole Marster looked wid mo favor on his suit dan he did on Marse Henry s, on account uv de relashunship betwixt em. But dar s where ole Mar ster missed it, an de onlies time I urver knowed im 10 146 "UNCLE WASH" miss it. But dis feller wus slick, an he done it all wid de leetle insterment in is jaw. He was allers talkin erbout de constertooshunal perogatives uv de divine right uv freemen an er makin law speeches in de Jestis court an er windin up wid my country, my muther, my Gord, an my feller citizens , fer he was sech er demijug he allers put de citizens highes . Ef he wasn t free wind at de rasho uv 16 ter i, an de on- limited coinage uv brass, my name ain t Washingtun! Wy, he cu d talk on fo things at de same time, pocket er fee on bof sides uv er case, an keep one eye on de bar-room an de yuther on de church steeple. He cu d play poker lak er gambler, drink lak er Kansas drought, an pray lak er country deacon. He cu d get drunk lak er sinner, an yit stan highes es er saint ; mak luve wid one eye to Miss Kitty an yit keep de yuther solemnly sot fur ole Marster lak St. Paul watchin fur revolushuns! " But de thing soon cum ter er end. Marse Henry was too honerbul to court er gal widout her daddy s say-so, an de Chewsday befo Easter him an ole Marster had er long talk in de library. Den Marse Henry cut out sorry lak an solemn an he tells me ter take extry keer uv Jap das wus his half thurrerbred saddle hoss an ter rub im down well, an ter feed im oats, not er grain uv cohn. Fur , sez he, Wash, Ps ergwine erway furever! "An dat night I seed er ghost! Hit wus jes arter Marse Henry started off. I hilt his sturrup an beg im wid tears in my eyes not ter leave us: Who gwi he p me take keer uv de hosses now an pick out de MISS KITTY 147 yearlin fur de spring races? Who dis nigger gwi foller arter de houn s in de spring an de patterges in de fall? Who gwi be de mohnin sun uv de place in de strength uv his truth an honer, an de sweet moon light in his tender senterment an simplicity? Who gwi set de zample mong de young folks fur dat conshus quietness dat cums wid de knowledge uv gameness dat am afeered uv nothin but doin wrong? O, Marse Henry! Marse Henry, we can t let you go! " I hilt on ter his sturrups an beg im ergin an ergin, fur sumhow I felt lak I d nurver see im eny mo . But he only grip my han ergin an ergin, an* look at me good-by good-by wid his eyes, fur he cuden t talk, an rode off in de gloom down de big row uv ellums. An dars whar I seed er ghost! De fus one I ever seed! Fur es I stood watchin im wid sumpin lak er pound weight in my throat, an mighty nigh er ton in my heart, I seed dat ghost plain es I ever seed enything! He hed got nearly to de gate in de dark uv de big overshadowin trees whar de new moon wus tangled up in de lim s (sho sign er bad luck!) when out slip de ghost frum behind er big tree an I lakter drap in my tracks! De lump went down in my throat, but great Gord, how my hair riz! De ghost wus dressed in er windin sheet uv white an wid long hair hangin down er back, an she skeered Jap so he bolts an snorts; an* she muster skeered Marse Henry too, fur I seed im stoop down ter grab dat ghost an save hisse f, an an den fo Gord! I kno yo won t believe it, but Marse Henry jes kissed dat ghost time an ergin an I heurd im say furever, i 4 8 "UNCLE WASH" my darling, er sumpin dat sounded lak it, an den Jap s gallup clattered up de pike an de young Marster dat I luve so well wus gone! "De naixt thing we heurd, Marse Henry wus way down in Fluridy, an de naixt he hed jined General Lopez wid de five hundred Americans dat went over ter he p de Cubans fight fer liberty. An dey got er fighter when dey got Marse Henry! Hit was bred in im, fur it cum jes es nachul fur us Scotch-Irish ter fight fur liberty enybody s liberty an eny kinder liberty es it is fer er game cock ter crow when he sees de fus beam uv daylight. "But you ve read history an kno how dat fight ended. Marse Henry beat em time an ergin, but arter erwhile deleetle ban was overpowered by de whole Spanish army, an wal he v/iped away a tear "dem dat didn t die in de fight wus hung up lak dorgs! All but Marse Henry brave, generous, noble Marse Henry! De papers said dat he erlone wus shot, dat he giv de Spanish officers ole Jap, de horse he luved so well, ef he d shoot im lak er sojer, an* not hang im lak er spy! An dey shot im fer doin whut wus bred in im ter do, when two uv his gran daddies follered de flag uv Green s brigade in No th Calliner, or helped whip ole Ferguson at King s Mountain. "Wal sah, de news lakter kill us. Hit hurt even ole Marster, fur I uster heah him walkin de library flo an talkin erbout it to hisself: De boy wus too high strung, he would say. I did not want im to leave us. I had no idea he wus gwine on dat fool filler- MISS KITTY 149 buster! An den he would storm erroun dat room an git hot under de collar as he thort how contrary to de rules uv war dey had acted in shootin Marse Henry, an den all at onct I see im tak down de ole sword his daddy wore at King s Mountain, an es he fotch it down wid er bang on de library table lak he thort de whole Spanish army wus dar, hesez: Damndem Spanish dorgs! Dey am nuffin but hired cowards, an I cud tak er regerment uv Tennessee troops lak dat brave boy an give de Union de leetle islan es er birf-day gif. Damn em, I say! Oh, ole Marster wus sho mad, an when he got mad in er righteous cause he cud mak eny body ershamed uv his cussin record! "An Miss Kitty! I jes can t talk erbout it widout chokin up. Fur two yeahs she went in deep mournin , his own widder cuden t er tuck on wusser, fur she nurver smiled an noboddy wus lowed ter menshun Marse Henry s name, hit seemed to feet her so! "But Time am Sorrow s doctah," sagely continued the old man, "an his poultice will draw out de sharpes pain! " Five long yeahs passed, an Estes had got high up in pollertics; he started out on er brass basis an went frum postmaster ter Congress. He d er gone ter Heaben ef he could er worked it through er pollitercal convenshun ! "An now, whut you reckon? De news cum dat he gwine ter marry Miss Kitty an sho nuff hits true! "When I foun hit out, I gin up all faith in mankind 150 "UNCLE WASH" in gin ral an womankind in perticler. But den I felt sorry fur Miss Kitty when I larnt dat she wus jes gwine ter marry im to please er old daddy fur she d do enything honorbul fur ole Marster an dat she tole Estes she would marry im but dat she would allers luve Marse Henry. She nurver tole me, mind you, but one night I seed it plainer den wurds kin tell. I seed it an knowed er heart wus in Marse Henry s grave. 1 seed er ghost ergin, but hit wus Marse Henry s ghost dis time. "Dis wus de Chewsdy night befo Easter, jes five yeahs to de night dat Marse Henry went away. De big weddin wus ter cum off de naixt night an de house wus full uv comp ny an cakes. Miss Kitty nurver smiled, but hed gone erbout all day lak de Greek maiden spotless an pyore, dat de skule books tell us dey useter kill to de wicket idols. "Dat night I had gone ter sleep thinkin erbout Marse Henry, an how Jap useter stan in de fust stall naixt to de door; how Marse Henry aller useter cum whistlin outen de house when he wanted me to saddle Jap, an how we useter talk erbout de hosses, an go to de races an hooraw ef our hoss won. I wus jes thinkin how open an manly he wus, an how fur erpart he wus frum dat Estes es de two ends uv Eter nity, an den, whut you reckon? I heurn Marse Henry cum outen de house lak he did in de days uv old. I heurd im cum down to de stable do , an pop his ridin whup es er signal fer me ter bring up Jap, an den slash his whup on his leg while he waited jes lak he useter do hundreds uv times befo , an all so nachul MISS KITTY 151 lak, jes lak he wus gwinter ride ole Jap ergin arter de houn s. An den, sah, I heurd his voice jes es plain es I urver heurn annything an jes lak he useter say, only hit seemed so faint an fur erway: Hello, Wash, saddle Jap! It s time we wus takin erhan in defun! heurd it so plain, I jumped outen de bed, an said es I rushed to open dedo , Ts cumin , Marse Henry, I s cumin ! But when I open de do I wus so diser- pinted I lak ter cried, fur I cuden t see nuffin but de trees in de dim moonlight, an I heurd nuffin but de hoot uv de owl over in de woods. I felt so cuis I cud en t go ter sleep, fur I wus sho Marse Henry s sperit wus summers erbout, an dat he cuden t rest in his grave on ercount uv de weddin , an I jes walked down to de gate whar I last seed im five yeah befo go down de road, nurver ter cum back eny mo ; ever thing wus so nachul I thought I heurd Jap s footfalls ergin, an den! whut wus dat I seed all dressed in white wid her long hair hangin down her back an kneelin down under de tree whar she last seed Marse Henry erlive, an sobbin lak her hart wud break? De same ghost I seed dat night five years ergo. I cuden t stan an look at sech sacred grief as dat, so I went in my house thinkin maybe de las one wusn t er ghost sho miff, but jes Miss Kitty prayin at de tree she last seed Marse Henry erlive an weepin de las time she cud honorably weep fur im. "De naixt day wus de big day, but I cuden t stay dar an see dat sacrilege. Sides dat, I felt cuis bout seein Marse Henry s ghost, an I knowed sumpin wus gwine happen. I knowed it fur sho when I went 1 52 "UNCLE WASH" in de kitchen next mohnin an heurd sister Ca line tell how she found er screech owl in Miss Kitty s room dat mohnin . Sez I to mysef: Dar! I knows whut gwinter happen now. Po innercent angel! She ll nurver live twell termorrow-but thank Gord fur it, fur dat yudder Screech Owl will nurver git in her room ! "But when I went to de stable, dar wus ernudder sign: Ole Flint, Marse Henry s ole pet houn , an de bes one dat ever smelt er deer track, wus stone dead in de stall, dead frum er snake bite, too! Dat s dat Estes doin s ergin, sez I. To innercent Miss Kitty! An de cows wus pawin an lowin at de pastur bars! Now ever body knows dat when de milk cows go ter pawin an lowin in de mohnin befo brekfus, some body gwinter die befo night. I stood even dat, but I gin up when I went to de well ter draw water fur de horses, fur dar wus Miss Kitty jes as plain es she cud be, laid out in her coffin in her bridal dress ! "I drapped dat bucket an lit out frum dar! "An I went to ole Marster an beg im to let me go down to de lower place, five miles erway; an I went to de lower place, five miles erway, an dar I stayed all day long waitin fur de calamerty to cum, an groanin in de sperit lak de proffit uv ole when he know de buter- ful city gwinter fall. Fur I seed Miss Kitty dead jus es plain es I see you! "Oh, dat wus er turribul day, an one dat I ll nurver furgit, an I sot dar in de cabin an fasted, an didn t eat nuffm all day, an wrastled wid de sperit in prayer, all day long. "De weddin wus ter cum off at nine er clock at MISSS KITTY 153 night. I wus settin in de cabin do myself; all de yudder darkies had gone to de big house fur de weddin supper, but I didn t wanter go; I hed no stummic dat night I wus all hart, thinkin bout po Marse Henry an Miss Kitty s fun ral dat I knowed wus bleeged ter cum! " Jes es de clock struck nine, I heard er hoss cum up de pike, clatter, clatter, bipperty, bipperty, bipperty, an I jumped up mighty nigh er yard high! " I knowed de soun uv dem feet ! I d kno em in er million dem wus Jap s feet, an I hollered, glory hally- luyer! Befo I knowed whether ter run under de bed or out on de pike fur I wus sorter skeered an sorter brave er big, strong, fine-lookin man, es brown es er race hoss, pulled up his hoss, covered wid sweat an foam, at de do . Pulled up his hoss quick lak an nac- hul too nachul fur dis nigger, fur jes de moshun uv de han fotch de tears to my eyes fur dat hoss wus Jap, de same blood-lak, cordy-legged, big-nostriled, graceful Jap uv old! "An grate Gord! One look in de blue eyes uv de rider, de fine mouf, de frank, manly face, now bronzed an er trifle stern, hit wus Marse Henry ! Marse Henry ! "I jumped up an sed, O Marse Henry, ghost er no ghost, I s gwinter hug you! an I did, hugged him an Jap, too. "An Marse Henry laf an sed: Wash, my boy, I m no ghost, but flesh an blood, an awful hongry flesh at dat. What am you doin way down heah? Give us sumpin ter eat, fur I m anxious to git on to de ole place an we need sumpin to brace us up. Jap an* 154 "UNCLE WASH" I have cum over fifty miles sence daylight, an while dat s no long ride fur us, you kno we bleeged ter have sumpin ter run on, he sed laffm . "Lor/ sonny, you jes orter seed me hustle erroun ! An whiles I wus fixin im sumpin to eat, he tole me all erbout it, how he hed jined Lopez an sailed frum Key West, an all erbout de fights he hed. An he sed dat he wuz de onlies one left uv all his men, an dat he owed his life to Jap s heels an er Spanish gineral. He sed dat when he stormed Las Pozas, his men run over de Spaniards an whupped em in er twinkle, an dat sum uv his men begun to hang de Spaniards in return fur hangin sum uv dairs de yeah befo , but when he foun it out he tried to stop it an he run in an cut down de Spanish gineral dat dey hed hung up, but dat his men got mad even wid him an mutinied an he hed to draw his pistols on his men an cut down de officer at de point uv his guns, kase he sed he wan t fightin er hangin war but er civilized war. "An he saved de officer s life an exchanged im an saunt im home. De papers wus right in sayin Marse Henry wus arterwards overpowered an hed ter sur render, an de dozen er two left wus sentenced to be hanged. In vain Marse Henry beg em to shoot em lak soljers, but dey hung his men befo his eyes, an dey wooder hung him, but he bribed de officer in charge wid de gift uv Jap to low im to be shot and not hung! "De naixt mohnin when dey led Marse Henry off to be shot, an when he wus er mile or two frum de lines, de gineral whose life he hed saved wus waitin at de spot fur im, an commanded de squad to halt, an* MISS KITTY 155 den he give Marse Henry his side-arms an Jap, dat he foun de officer wid, an he sed to Marse Henry: Go; you saved my life onct at de risk uv yo own. I return de compliment. "An den Marse Henry told me how he hed went in de sugar bizness an made er fortune an now he cum back ergin to live. But dat wus five yeah ago, Marse Henry, sez I ; Why ain t you cum home befo or write us dat you still livin? An den Marse Henry s face grew dark es he sed: Bekase, Wash, Unkle Robert wrote me befo de war wus ended dat Kitty wus married to Estes, an Dat s er lie, Marse Henry/ I shouted, es I cum to my senses ergin an thout uv Miss Kitty fur de fust time Dat s er lie! Ole Marster didn t write no sech letter es dat! She ain t married yit leastwise dat is ter say O Marse Henry, am it nine erclock yit? An she nurver will be fur she s boun ter die ternight, an I s waitin out heah to kno when to go to de fun ral po innercent angel! an I spec I begun ter cry. "Marse Henry look at me stern lak, an ax me what I mean. Den I went back an tole im all, an I seed de tears run down his cheeks es I tole im how she hed loved an suffered all dese yeahs. An tole im bout de ghost scene las night an* how she sobbed under de trees, an es I tole him I seed im shake all over lak er child er sobbin , an when I tole him bout de nurver failin death signs I d seen dis mohnin , an dat I spec right now she dun dead er married twould be all de 156 "UNCLE WASH" same to her he vaulted wid one leap in de saddle an* I seed Jap s tail fly up es he plunged two spurs in his side, an es he shot erway in de night I heurd im say sorter hard lak: Toller me, Wash, fur I s gwinter take er hand in dat fun ral! " I jumped on er race filly ole Marster hed in trainin at de lower place, an I follered im wid my heart beat- in er drum in my breast, an de wind playin er fife in my two years! Lor , sah, dat filly cud fly! but run es she mout, dar sot Marse Henry allers jes erhaid, lookin lak er statue on Jap; an de ole hossrunnin lak er swamp buck wid de pack at his heels ! Runnin, sah, lak he knowed whut wus up an dat ten minnits now wus wurth yeahs termorrer! An ever now an den I d ketch er glimpse uv Marse Henry s back an* heah im say: Grate Gord, ef I kin only git dar in time! "Nobody ll ever b leeve it," continued the old man, "but we broke de five mile recurd dat night, sho! An when we cum to de house it wus lit up frum garret to cellar an I cud see de guests in de parlors an halls an heah de music an de lafter. But es I rid up closter, my hart sunk in my buzum, an we bofe pulled up wid er jerk; fur dar, standin dar in de light uv de bay winders wid flowers above an belo an in de lace uv de curtains, dar stood Miss Kitty! An de orange blossums wus in her hair, an er man wus by her side, an dey wus shakin han s wid de people. " Grate Gord, dey wus married ! "I looked at Marse Henry, spectin to see im pale an* shaky lak I wus, an mighty nigh ready ter fall MISS KITTY 157 down often his boss, but dars whar I overlooked de thurrerbred dat wus in im, an stead uv bein pale, de luve light wus in his eyes, but he hed dat cuis hard smile on his lips dat allers made me think uv de cocked ham mer uv er hair-trigger durringer. "He spurred up clost to me an jes es nachul lakes ef he wus tellin me ter saddle Jap, an jes es quiet es ef he wus gwine to church, he sez: Wash, be keerful now fur you may save er life wid er level haid. I will ride up to de side porch, jes whar it reaches to Jap s saddle skirts. I mus speak to Kitty once mo befo I go back to Cuba forever. Slip in an tell her sum one wants to see her quickly, on de side po ch. Go, an remember your haid! " I wus glad ernuf to go. All de sarvants wus now pourin in to shake han s wid Miss Kitty, arter de white folks hed shook, an I cum in nacherly wid de res . De white folks hed stood back an wus watchin our awkward way, an de room wus full uv flowers an* sweet sents an hansum folks. "But Miss Kitty jes hanted me I cuden t keep my eyes ofTen her. She wus es butiful es truth in de halls uv de angels, an yet es sad es sorrow at de grave uv her fust born. She look lak er queen bowin right an left, an her grace shone lak er pillar in er temple. She tried her bes ter smile on us po niggers dat had raised her an luved her all her life, but de smile jes flickered round her dark, sad eyes lak er April sun beam tryin to git out frum behind er March cloud. When she shuck han s wid me I seen two tears start up in her eyes, lak little silver-side fish dat rise to de sur- 158 "UNCLE WASH" face uv de lake fur air, an I knowed she wus thinkin uv Jap an his rider, an I cuden t stan it no longer; I jes stuck my big mouf up to her lily bloom uv er yeah an* tried to say it easy, but it seemed to me de folks heurd it over at quartahs, er mile erway: Cord bless yo, Miss Kitty, honey ! But cum out on de side po ch, quick! "Fur er secon she looked at me lak she thort I wus crazy, an den I tried ergin, steppin on her butiful dress an little white slipper, I got up so close an* whispered so yearnestly: " Miss Kitty! Miss Kitty! ! fur Cord s sake cum out on de side po ch, quick! "She nodded her haid, an I seed she thort sumbody wus in distress, an es I went out, I seed her excuse her self to de guests an an wal, de feller dat wus stand- in in de winder wid er, an den she gethered her trail in her lef han an follered me out es stately es Pharo s darter follered de niggers uv old." Here the old man paused, and a look of triumph glinted in his dim eye, as he said, "Dar am sum scenes in life fixed on our mem ry so dey git plainer es we gro older, an dis wus one. De happiness uv two lives wus at stake, an I trimbled so I cuden t think, fur I knowed er wurd too soon or too late or out uv place would ruined ever thing. De poppin uv er match might er brought on er shootin an de whinny uv er black hoss es he stood blacker in de night mout er turned er weddin inter er fun ral. " I glanced at de side po ch dar sot er black hoss- man on er steed es black es he wus. Not er muscle MISS KITTY 159 moved but I seed two steel-blue eyes shine even in de darkness. Den out cum Miss Kitty, so nachul lak, an* soft an easy: " What is it, Uncle Wash; who wishes to see me? " I p inted to de hossman. Den I heurd her step es she walked ercross to de shadder, an den I heurd er voice cum outer de shadder: Oh, Kitty, my darlin/ have you indeed forgotten me? "To my dyin day I ll see her es she hesertated, tried to advance, stopped, staggered, an fell into de out stretched arms uv de hossman, es she exclaimed piti fully: Dear heart, I tole them all de time I wus yores! "An whut you reckon Marse Henry dun? He kissed dat man s wife scanlus, time an ergin, an stead uv spurrin erway wid her lak I spected to see im do, an lak enybody else wooder dun, he jes walked wid er, dead fainted es she wus, right inter de parlor whar dey all wus, an laid her gently down on er sofer, an* den he turned round lak er majah gineral reviewin troops, an he said: Unkle Robert, I have a word to say heah! "Wai, sah, mazement wan t de wurd. De wimmin screamed an de men looked lak dey wanted to. Even ole Marster cuden t do nuffin but stare. Estes cum to fust an made er quick movement to git to de sofer whar Miss Kitty wus, quiet es er sperit. But when Marse Henry seed im, his eyes flashed lak two stars, an I dodged my haid spectin to heah er pistol shot naixt, but I didn t, only dis frum Marse Henry, an is cum 160 "UNCLE WASH" from im lak er battery, es he laid one ban on er instrument dat bed bin all through de Cuban fight. "An den he tuhned loose. Gord, sah, he towered over Estes lak er lion dat bed cum home an foun er cur in his house. An all de time his eyes shone lak lightnin an his face wus sot lak er jedge s, an his voice wus lak er god s ! He pulled de forged letter out an ole Marster read it, an Miss Kitty cum to an read it, an he tole Miss Kitty how he writ to her time an ergin an at las got dis letter. An she cried lak her heart would break, an she tole how she bed writ to him time an ergin befo she heurd he wus dead, an nurver got no letter, an befo I knowed it I jes hol lered: O, hit pays to be postmaster, it do! ,,An , sah, whut do you reckon ole Marster dun? He jes hugged Marse Henry an wrung his ban an call im his son, an den he got so mad he lost his ole haid, an cum runnin out in de hall, an sed: Wash! Wash! Bring me my pistols, Wash! The forgin villian to dare marry er gemman s darter! "In er minnit he cum runnin back wid er pair uv durrungers in his ban s an ernudder pair in his eyes, an he rushed up to Marse Henry an sed: Henry, my son, you shan t kill im! Let yore ole uncle have dat pleasure. The forger! Why, he married my darter, n I thort he wus er gemman! "But Estes wus gone, gone to parts unknown. An Miss Kitty wus laffin an cryin , in Marse Henry s arms, befo all de guests an ever body, an ole Marster stop sorter sho t-lak, when he seed er, fur he wa n t perpared fur dat, an Marse Henry laffed an pulled out MISS KITTY 161 ernudder paper er little slip uv paper, an den he sed: In de sweetness uv dis hour I furgive im, Unkle. Besides, he ain t married yo darter. Dis little in strument am jes five yeahs de oldes . I m sorry, Unkle/ he sed wid er twinkle in he s eyes dat belied his appollergy, but I married Kitty de night befo I lef five yeah, ago. Heah is de license an dis am Squire Sanders signature an --wy hello, Squire, I m glad to see you ergin! es Squire Sanders an all de folks he knowed flocked erroun im to shake his ban*. "Gord, sah, dat wus er happy night! But nuifin wud do ole Marster but dey mus be married over ergin by de Piskolopium preacher, an in gran style, too. "So in erbout er hour Marse Henry cum out, dressed in der unerform uv er majah-gineral, an dey wus married ergin an de hansomes pair dat ever sed yes to de preacher. An when I went up to shake dey han s, Marse Henry tell me to stan by he s side, an den he pull out ernudder paper, one jes freshly writ, an he read it to all de folks thank Gord, he had bought me frum ole Marster! "An den he turned roun to me, nigger dat I wus, an he sed wid er tear in he s manly eye: Wash, er true frien am er jewel on de finger uv life. I fout too hard fur de freedom uv others to see my bes frien er slave. I have bought yo frum Unkle Robert, es dis bill uv sale will show. Take it; you are free! "I drapped at his feet an cried an kissed his han , but he pulled me up, an es he put five big goF pieces 11 1 62 "UNCLE WASH" in my ban* he laffed an sed: An these are frum my wife, for valuabul assistance rendered at her fun ral! "An es I kissed her sweet han , Gord bless her, she looked up at Marse Henry laffin by her side, an de smile she give him wus lak de break uv day in Heaben!" THE EXAMINATION MARSE JOHN," said Uncle Wash the other night, Ts got to hoi Zamination fur teacher over in my Deestrick, an I wants you to write out de questions. I s Deestrick Cummisherner over dar fur culler d fo ks an not one uv em can git license to teach or preach or git married unless I pass on dey pedigree. An whils t you s writing out de ques- t ons Marse John, jes be good enough to write the answers too. It s er mighty po teacher that ain t got his answers es reddy es his questu ns. An I wish you d jes go erlong wid me and see me squelsh dem smart- ike niggers that thinks they kno s it all." I knew this meant fun for me, so I went. On the day appointed there were three applicants; one was a pompous looking darkey with a knack of saying things grandiloquently and using big words. The old man named him Pompey, though his real name, I learned, was Green Washington Shadrock Smith. Number two was a sanctified, ashen and solemn faced negro who was studying for the ministry, very pious outwardly and exceedingly cautious of commit ting himself, but possessed of abundant conceit. His brass and assurance were great. The old man called him Parson. The other was a little sharp-eyed coon, always in a grin, but with an air of really being outclassed among two such worthies as Pompey and the Parson, but who (163) 1 64 "UNCLE WASH" took his chances anyway, for the job paid fifty dollars a month. They called him Swipe. Nothing pleased the old man more than to show off his own learning before the helpless applicants, and to rub it in when occasion demanded. Slowly and with much dignity he put on his big, iron-rimmed glasses, unrolled learnedly his manuscript and shot out this grandiloquent flow of learning, calculated to squelch any too presumptious candidate for the honors of the Academy. Now I s gwinter ax you all er few supernumerous quest ons cal erlated to disembody de fundermentals uv yo understandin for impartin informashun ! An I wants you to chirp out es pert as er jaybird on er Friday." There is a negro superstition to the effect that jay birds go to a place unmentionable on Friday and carry sand to his Satanic Majesty. I wondered if it was a hint of what the old man had in store for them. Adjusting his glasses again the old man asked the Preacher: "Whut is jogerfy?" The answer came back assuringly and glibly: "Jogerfy is de science uv de earth an de art of navi gation." The old man squinted one eye and said witheringly: " Den I suppose you d say er coon-dog wus de science uv de woods an de art in barkin . "Nex." "Jogerfy" said Pompey "jogerfy Br er Wash- ingtun ain t dat got sumpin nurr to do sorter lak er THE EXAMINATION 165 narrer neck jinin two dimijohns uv Ian , sorter lak it an* so fo th or sumpin lak it?" "Wai , it may smell uv the jug er leetle," said the old man, "but it don t jine de demi-john to de extent uv pullin out de cork! Nex ." "Jogerfy," said the Swipe, "is de art uv joggin and de science uv gwine round circles." This set the old man to thinking. He scratched his head and inspected the candidate closely. "Ain t you de nigger dat use to swipe old Hal P inter when he went to de races?" "Yassir." "Wai, dat ain t zactly right, but it s got mo sense in it dan any thin dat s been sed, an I ll give you ten, as you seem to have sum hoss sense in yo make-up." Fortunately I was where I could lean back behind the blackboard and save the dignity of the examination. For all this had been said with a dignity and earnestness that was appalling, and not the slighest trace of humor appeared in their voices "How am Tennessee bounded?" resumed the old man. "She s bounded by straight lines makin er parallelo gram inclinin in er right angle," came back knowingly from the Parson. The old man scratched his jaw and passed it to the Pompey. The answer came back as glibly: "Tennessee am bounded on de north by Kaintucky an de rory-bory Alice, on de east by de Great Smoky mountains, on de west by Mt. Pelee an on de south The old man brought his fist down indignantly. 1 66 "UNCLE WASH" " Ef we s bounded on all dem sides by de things you say dar ain t but one thing dat can nachully bind us on de south an dat s hell! You may know er whole lot erbout dat place but you don t kno er leetle bit bout jogerfy," and he put it to the Swipe. "Tennessee is bounded," said the Swipe, "by er mighty good race track at New Orleans on the south by er better one at Lexington, Kentucky, on the north, an there s always good horses in the east an west." "Still showin hoss sense," said the old man. "I pass yo on dat. Now lemme see what you all kno bout history!" He slowly studied out the next question : "Relate de causes leadin to de Riverlushunary War. "De circumnavigatin, cause uv de Riverlushunary War," said the Preacher glibly, "was de extenshun uv de Equator too far into de Gulf stream, endengerin de tail uv de British Umpire." The old man sadly shook his head and passed it to Pompay: "Dey fit us," said Pompey "Br er Washin tun, wusn t it fetched on by Injuns stealing tea off en dair ships an flingin it into de sea?" " I can t jes zactly spress it kordin to book larnin ," said the Swipe, "but it wus sorter lak dis: We drawed de pole an axed for er squar race, but England fouled us on de fus turn an got us in er pocket on de half. We run into her, cut her down an won es we pleased. " "Go head," said the old man proudly. "Hal P inter sho done lamed you sumpin." THE EXAMINATION 167 This put the Swipe at the head. He scratched his chin, made eyes at the others and licked out his tongue. "Who wus Maj. Andre?" slowly spelled out the old man. The preacher thought he was one of the Disciples and Pompey, after much thought, said he was the man who went over Niagara in a barrel. The Swipe wasn t sure, but after a while his face lit up with a broad smile and he said: "Uncle Wash, wusn t he er British ringer dat got unkivered an ruled off at de West P int meetin ? twas er close heat an he lost by er neck." "De very man," said the old man enthusiastically. " I tells you, sonny, if you keep up dis clip, yo ll break all the colts in dis deestrick. " The Swipe smiled and sat up higher in the sulky. The old man studied his manuscript carefully and propounded: "Describe de battle uv Shiloh." "Dat s easy," said the Preacher smiling. "It wus er hard-fit fight in which Shiloh got killed." "Oh, he did," said the old man, wrathfully. "I guess de nex thing yo ll be tryin to teach de ole man dat at de battle uv de Nelson, de Nile fell ofen his hoss. Nex , wut you say Pompey?" " I don t kno Br er Washingtun, hit wus befo I wus bohn!" The old man passed it to de Swipe. " Dat ar battle wus er dead heat twixt Gene al Grant an Johnsing, wan t it, Uncle Wash?" "Sonny," said the old man proudly, "I s beginnin 1 68 "UNCLE WASH" to think I orter resign an let you ax dese questions. I didn t kno dar was so much hoss sense in hist ry." "What am de princerpal organ uv circulation?" spelled out the old man. Pompey thought a long time and said it was the liver. The Preacher threw up his hand and a knowing smile went over his face. "What am it, den?" asked the teacher. "De hat," shouted the candidate. "Es dat s de fust time you s come nigh it I ll give you ten on dat," said the old man, "but I think de P inter boy can do better yet." "De princerpal organ om circulashun," said the Swipe, "am de leetle silver cartwheel dat is stamped wid de eagle/ "Sonny," said the old man, "ycu have sho been in de hoss bisness for some good. Now you Preacher man, whut was de greatest trade of England?" "De trade-wind," came back promptly. "Trade yo grandmammy s black cat," said the old man, wrathfully. "What wind got to do wid dis deestrick skule? You pear to be mighty windy yo se f. Nex ." "Wan t dat de Pennsylvania whisky resurrection?" timidly asked Pompey. The old man glared at him. The Swipe held up his hand, and when the old man nodded, he said: "De princerpal trade, Uncle Wash? Pears to me it wus when ole Richard tried to trade his kingdom for er good hoss." The old man marked the Swipe up one more. THE EXAMINATION 169 "Now Fes gwinter see wat you all kno about Fizerology an Anatermy. Au whut am de human blood composed, you Preacher man?" "De human blood is composed uv red corkscrews an* white corkscrews," said the Preacher. "You tarnashun fool," said the lod man, "whut you wanter put corkscrews in yo blood fur when you can keep em in yo pocket? Tell us all erbout de human anatermy, Pompey hit s up ter you!" "De human anatermy," said Pompey, "is devided into three parts, de head, de chist an de stumac. De head contains de brains, if any. De chist contains de de lights an* de liver. De stumac contains de bowels. There are five bowels, a, e, i, o, u, an* sometimes w an y\" The old man looked at him with becoming scorn. "You two fools, " he said to the Preacher and Pompey, " Don t kno ernuff to teach er houndorg to suck eggs. I s gwinter give it to you," he said turning to the grinning Swipe, "fur it pears lak you the only nigger in dat bunch dat s got eny sense an* dat s de main thing in skule teachin or enything else." HO! EVERY ONE THAT THIRSTETH! THE corn crop up in the Bigbyville neighborhood is clean, the cotton shows not a spear of grass. The potato field looks as clean and green as a billiard cushion floor and the darkies are still, still hoeing. All this was caused by a sermon Uncle Wash preached there on foot-washing day last month, a literal extract of which I got from the old man himself: "Brudderin an Sisterin You ll find my text in de six chapter uv Noah s pistols to de Gentiles. "Ho! ever one dat thirtieth! Ho! "De commandments we get from de Bible is beyond de scrutiny uv man, an we natchurly think dat when er man gets hot an thirsty de thing fur him to do is to hunt de spring branch an quench his burnin lips. But not so. Here it is sot down in black an* white in de book uv books, dat when you git thirsty, \es keep on hoein. "Ho! ever one dat thirsteth! Ho! "And dat is right; de Bible is allers right. Hoem* is good fur de limbs, good fur de wind, good fur de crap, an* good fur de soul. De sun am hot now, but de wind ll be cold ergin. De rays pour down now, but de sleet ll come bye an bye. Dese is de rays uv drought an thirst, but ef you want to set back when de rains come, smoke yo pipe an sing dat song "Bile dat cabbage down For it ain t gwine to rain no mo (170) HO! EVERY ONE THAT THIRSTETH 171 jes take off yo coat, shed yo shirt, an foller de corn an tater row, an ef you git thirsty don t stop to drink, but jes keep on er-hoein ! "Ho! ever one dat tbirstetb! bo! "An ain t dat de law an de sense? Whut you wanter stop an drink fur? Won t you jes get thirsty ergin? Keep on er-hoein ! "What did old Noah do when de windows uv de heabens was opened an de flood uv de great deep begun to kiver de earth, an de fools got round him an laughed an ax him whut he buildin dat ole ark for? He wus tired, an thirsty, an hot, but he kep on er-hoein , for he knowed he d get water enough bye and bye. Ho! ever one dat tbirstetb! bo! "What did Abraham do when dey got roun him an tried to stop him from gwine to de Promis Lan ? He kept on er hoein fur Jordan. "Don t let de flesh uv dis wuiT fool you. Things ain t whut dey seem. Water looks mighty good, specially to Baptists, but whut we want to do is to keep on er hoein . De wicked uv Noah s day didn t hoe eny. Didn t dey git water enough? De Egypt ians didn t hoe eny, but follered de Israelites into de Red Sea. Didn t dey get water enough? Ole Jonah didn t obey de Lord an hoe to de mark, an de water swallowed im fust an de whale swallered im next. Let dat be er warnin to you to stick to de tex uv de Bible an de doctrine uv de church, an when you get thirsty keep on er-hoein . It s hard now, but it ll be sweet bye and bye. It s hot now, but it ll be cold bye and bye. You git mighty thirsty an 172 "UNCLE WASH" you think de taters ain t never goin to come, but when de winter rains come, an de winds blow, an you set down round de big fiah wid de sweet brown possum an dem taters, you work so hard fur to get in de heat, an sweat, an thirst uv summer, den will de heart uv de faithful be glad, den will you shout an sing: "Ho! ever one that thirsteth, ho!" This last appeal was too much. The congregation arose in a body at the words possum and potatoes and went off to hoe, leaving the old man with no one to pass around the hat. THE MASCOT MULE IT is now nearly ten years since I became thor oughly convinced that there was such a thing as a mascot. I had heard Uncle Wash talking about them and wishing for one, but I put it all down as darky talk until I fell heir to the genuine thing myself. Since then luck has come my way in great chunks. I speak from experience. I have tried it and I know. The mascot of all mascots is a blaze-face sorrel pacing mule, whose dam is a Hal mare. It is easy to get a pacing mule; it is easier to get a sorrel one; but a blaze-face pacing sorrel Tom Hal mule comes only once in a generation and when he does land he is simply the greatest rabbit foot that ever ambled through the southeast side of a graveyard ! From the day that mule arrived on my farm, good luck has been mine. Up to that time the bottom had been out of everything. The banks had burst, the drouths had come, the blind-staggers, murrain and the sheriff, also the Wilson bill! You could not give a horse away because he had to be fed; you could not borrow money on a bond; cotton, down South, was six cents a pound and a drag at that ; mules, the great staple of Middle Tennessee, were correspondingly low scarcely worth their feed; "an de only way you can fill yo stumic," said Uncle Wash to me one day, "is to connect yo lips to de town pump." d73) i 7 4 "UNCLE WASH" He called it the "water cure!" But worse than that I was heartsick, for in spite of my most earnest and poetic declarations, couched in all the foxy terms of masculine deception the Angel the most beautiful girl in the world, remained like a block of ice in a winter refrigerator, over the door of which she had tacked this verse: / do not love you, Dr. Fell. The reason why I cannot tell. But this I know and know full well / do not love you, Dr. Fell! Little did I dream, when, finding myself unable to sell horses and deciding that mules might sell, that this homely creature of ears and innocence, which the next spring found ambling around the lot after my favorite old saddle mare would turn the tide of my ill-luck. But such was the fact. Not only that, but I am con vinced that the arrival of that mule turned the down ward tide of prices in the horse markets of this country, precipitated the war with Spain, sank the Spanish navy, freed Cuba, and brought on the Boer War (thus enabling us to sell to the empire-grabbing British a half million of our mules and horses in exchange for our silent approval while they butchered a brave and heroic people), carried our flag to the Philippines and will eventually make us arbiters of the world. That mascot-mule did it! Uncle Wash is a man of infinite faith, and all through these gloomy times he said he would pull through if the blackberry crop and coon-skins didn t fail us. THE MASCOT MULE 175 But "blackberry winter" hit us in May and froze everything, and the old man said that a late black berry winter " allers make coon-skins too fulluv wolves to hold water" whatever that means any way they failed to materialize, Even the clover failed to come up, the peas to sprout, the hens to lay. After much fishing the old man failed even to land, amid the ice floes and cold water, the usual spring eel to make the eel skin for his rheumatism, and that night he came in and immortalized himself in this remark: " Taint no use, Marse John luck s erg in us. They ain t nuthin but ice aroun heah, an ef we d ship er carload uv dat to hell, they d be er freeze dar befo daylight, an no deman fur it." In this unhappy state of mind I went out the next day to find the old man bluer than ever. Dinah, his wife for lack of hope and sufficient nourishment, I suppose had joined the Sanctified Ones, and Parson Candlelight, the pastor of the band, had been supping there every night, to the imminent danger of the last yellow leg. Worse than that, the old man said that a northeast wind on groundhog day was sure death to the possum crop, and that it had blown all through groundhog day. Moreover, the jimson weeds the only dead sure thing for chicken mites in July had for the first time in fifty years failed to sprout in the hog pen. I could not stand it, and I left. I did not return for three weeks, expecting to find everything dead and the farm a hole in the ground. But the old man met me two miles up the pike, a 176 "UNCLE WASH" beam on his face. He could not wait till I reached him, but yelled out: "Luck s changed luck s changed, boss!" "Where? How?" I exclaimed. "Come an see!" he cried. With great pride he conducted me to the lot and showed me the new-born thing of moonlight and sorrel sunset ambling around after its dam. It looked like a blaze-faced grasshopper, a spider on stilts, a lobster in embryo. I looked at the old man in disgust, I wanted to kill him and the mule and then commit suicide. But he was chuckling around and looking so happy and positive that I finally said: "Well, this is the last drop in the bucket the last cuff of ill luck. If this thing had come brown or black, with a mealy nose, it might have been worth a few dollars. But this cross between a moonbeam and a jack rabbit this parody on the Tom Hal tribe, intended by nature to be a Tennessee mule, but brazenly defying her laws by changing to the blaze-face of a nobler animal creating all kinds of doubt as to just who and what it is this mongrel of uncertainty, this cross between an ass and an interrogation point- is this the thing that has set you to smirking like a schoolgirl at recess and shouting and shouting good luck two miles up the pike like a blanked idiot?" The old man only smiled and said dryly: "How many mules is you urver seed in yo life?" "Thousands of them," I replied. "Did you urver see er blaze-face mule befo ?" THE MASCOT MULE 177 "No and I m glad of it. Never want to see another one." "Did you urver heah of enybody dat ever seed er blaze-face sorrel pacing mule?" "Never." "An his dam er Hal mare?" "Nobody was ever such a fool before," I snarled. "It takes two things to make er sho nuff mascot," went on the old man without noticing my ill-nature, "it must be sorter kin to de devil an sorter partake uv de earth lak er graveyard rabbit, or er hunchback nigger, or er mule wid er cloven foot an er blazen face. Den it must be sump n nobody else urver had befo an dar it is, sah," he said with dignity and emphasis. "An now, sah, if you don t think it s jes so come wid me an see. De test uv de puddin is chewin de bag, an I s got de bag," he chuckled. He took me to the paddock. When I last saw her the Berkshire sow had cholera. Now she had "Why, old man," I shouted, "that looks like it. Ten pigs and the prettiest, slickest little fellows! Why, when" "Las night," he chuckled, "ten minutes after she heerd uv dat mascot -mule. " "Well, that does look like it good!" He chuckled, and knowingly beckoned me to follow him. In the barn the Jersey cow had found a clean-cut sprite of a girl baby calf, with the eyes of Juno and the form of a water nymph. "Good, good!" I cried, slapping the old man on the back. "When did" 12 178 "UNCLE WASH" "Dis mornin , sah, ten minits arter she seed dat mule strike er pace!" "Old man," I cried, "this is too good to be true! By the way, have you found out whether the mule has had all the breakfast he needs?" I asked. "Done greased im wid goose foot oil an give him er milk toddy," he said, gravely. "But dat ain t all." He took me to the hen house, and showed me a dozen nests with newly laid eggs. " Bring out that mule medicine, old man, we ll have an egg nog! This beats Jonah and all the prophets. Old man, you ought to have been born in the days of Solomon. " He chuckled and led me to a rail fence. The jimson weeds were growing. " Yaller laig chickens an plenty uv em dis summer, if I can keep on holdin off de preachers an other var mints," said he. Then his face fairly beamed: "Done fixed one alridy." "What!" "Brer Candlelight s xtinguished his light s gone out," said he solemnly, and he went into his pocket and pulled out a dark-bordered negro funeral notice. I looked at it, shocked. I read: " De sisterin an brudderinuv Lonesome Neck will bol final observashun over de remnants uv Brer Candlelight, who died axerdinterly of two much chicken gitfard, given by Br er Washington. Intervarmint to-morrow at two o clock. Refreshments at de grave. SisUr Washington will coupon de crowd." THE MASCOT MULE 179 "This is terrible, Wash. He was a good old darky how did it happen and what did you have to do with it?" "O, he wus eatin fried hen at my house an guffawin an* cacklin wid Dinah, an de gals, campin on me ever night sense dey all got spotless, an when I axed im whut part uv de chicken he d have, sed he d have de gizzard kase it made im pritty ! I gin him de gizzard dats all I done de Lawd done de res , fur jes at dat minit de mule wus bohn eny way he choked to de f, an dis piece uv good luck cum mighty partnership-lak wid de mule jes to be er axerdint. No, de Lawd give and de Lawd tuck, an dat makes it unanermous, an* we ll let it go at dat. Dinah fixed up dis notice an it means dar ll be refreshments at de grave an she ll shaperine de crowd. Now, ain t all dat er good nuff start fur one day?" I had to admit that it was. He was silent a while, and then: "Wall, whut s happened in town?" "Nothing," I said. "O, no dat don t do sumpin wus bleezter happen dar las night." "Oh!" I said, "I believe the people did say the Spaniards blew up our battleship, the Maine." "Didn t I tell you so?" he shouted. "The Span iards blew up our mane watch us blow up dey tails, an dat s whut I s bin pin in fur war!" "But somebody said war is hell," I said, seriously. "Yas, sah," winked the old man "hell on fools an* mules, an we s got bofe uv em to spare in dis i8o "UNCLE WASH" country, " and he ambled off to give the mascot a half pint of pure cream. The old man was right. From that day the tide changed. Among the many things which happened that year and which he told me were due to the especial influence of the little starlit streak of good luck, were the following: 1. The death of a book agent at the farm gate by lightning in July. He was coming to collect his monthly payment on the World s Great Orations, to which, in an hour of generosity, the old man had treated himself (so that they might all he read at his funeral, he said) and had regretted it every month since. 2. Smallpox a deputy sheriff that had levied on his cow in January was down with it. 3. Dinah lost her voice from a bad cold in August, and had not been able to talk since! 4. Wheat crop out of sight. 5. Corn and oats ditto! 6. Cat fish a ten pound one caught by the old man in Bigby Creek. 7. A thunder-storm in July which rained frogs in car-load lots. The old man said he plowed them under the next day and expected a crop of frog legs the rest of his life. I tell it as he told it to me. But I know that my own good luck followed thick and fast. Everything I touched turned to the good. The poems and stories I had been giving the country papers for ten years, being paid by them in puffs and old papers, came back no more from the magazines, but checks came instead. THE MASCOT MULE 181 Three publishers clamored for my next book. And the festive bill-shovers, deciding about that time that I was hopeless, gave up their job on back debts and let me rest. But strangest of all good-luck and best of all! The next mail after the birth of that mule I received a little note which I still keep in the family Bible: / did not love you, Dr. Fell. The reason why I could not tell. But ibis I know and know full well / love you now, dear Dr, Fell THE GHOST THAT SAVED THREE FLUSHES IT had been raining all day that Christmas week and toward night it settled into a steady pour, with a cold, sudden wind which now and then beat shiveringly the drops against the window. Hard writing all day begins to tell on one toward night not physically, so much as mentally; for mental creation calls for a flow of nervous force that leaves the mind limp and often hysteric. It is different from all other work in the world. It is a wonder the asylums are not filled with poets and novelists. Surely for the work they do, the world might stand the whims and caprices of those who create. This work continued, pays you back for over-strain ing nature, in two ways : First, blues ; second, more blues. When these reach the stage that you begin to doubt everything, even that you live again, you must quit. If you are wise you will go out in the field with the gun. Then you will come home tired and hungry. A hot bath and a good supper fixes you about right. You are now ready to sleep ten hours straight, and wake up the next morning with dreams in your brain and a glad heart in a good world. But a man can t go out when it s raining a raw, cold, December flower-killer. What possessed Uncle Wash to get into such a mood? Generally he was funny, but to-night (182) GHOST THAT SAVED THREE FLUSHES 183 He had sat in my library for ten minutes, studying the fire and watching the steam rise up from his damp clothes. He had come over to tell me that somebody had read Booker Washington s new book to him and that Booker was a smart nigger with a long head "that wus liable to be sp iled. An er nigger is easier sp iled than fresh fish in summer time," he said. "Now you kin allers tell er new fangled nigger," he went on while I hunted for a cigar; "he don t b leeve in ghosts. All ole niggers do." " You surely have more sense than that, " I remarked. "I may not have eny sense," said the old man quickly. "Hit s when my eyes sees er thing Ps got sense nufT to know what I sees." "And you have seen a ghost?" I asked, half ban- teringly. The next instant I was sorry. The old man had closed up like a clam. "I ll not believe it now unless you tell me," I said after a while: "and I d hate to think you d begun to tell untruthful yarns in your old age. That was enough. The old man was on his mettle. "When my young marster wus married, ole marster give me to him. That wus Marse George Young. I heard tell dey wus sumpin sorten wrong wid dat marriage, but I never seed no signs uv it myse f befo nor arter. Marse George wus mighty nigh crazy erbout er nurr gal I knowed dat kase him and me uster go over dar twice er week fur to see her, an* whut Marse George done in de parlor I done in de kitchen. O, we sho gin em er run for our money ! I wus soon 1 84 "UNCLE WASH" engaged to erbout ha f uv de yaller gals on dat plan- tashun, an Marse George wus holdin his own wid de young mistis. She wus er powerful gal, spirited an all dat, an han sum es er picter; but she wus wild, an reckless an fond uv men dat flattered her. "But jes fo dey wus to be married dey fell out er bout sumpin an she married er rich murchant dat had er bushy head an wo sideburn whiskers. He didn t keer much fur her too busy makin money. Jes wanted er han sum wife. "I sho wus sorry fur her. She wus er fine gal an* orter had er square deal. But I knowed den she wus weak as water. " Uv course de pesky little yaller gals all potted me, too, but I hearn arterwards dat dey hilt er meetin on it an sided ef dey didn t break dey engagement I wus gwine to break all dey ribs! "O, I wus pritty sivigerus in dem days, boss, wid my right arm. It s de only correct instrument for cotin wid. " Dar wus er mighty sweet an pritty gal livin near, dat Marse George had been gwine to see an she wus crazy erbout him all de time he wus in luve wid de yud- der one. Wai, suh de day Marse George got his walk- in papers he went to Miss Susie s house dat night (dat wus de yudder one), an called on her. Now Marse George orter be ershamed uv hisself, for he luved dat other one, an ef he hadn t been so reckless, dey d er-made up and married. But he wus reckless, allers wus an de little oman wus sho pritty an sweet an would er made him er better wife dan de high flyin one. GHOST THAT SAVED THREE FLUSHES 185 "Susie/ say Marse George, arter er while, don t you think it s erbout time we wus marryin ?" She turned red an den white for she loved him so an den she cried er little an didn t say nuffin till Marse George kissed her an sed : " Nex week, little oman nex week. I s tired uv all de shams of life an* I wanter to settle down/ "An dey did. "Now Marse George he had won er fine farm ater game uv cards. It wus 500 acres uv es good land es I ever plowed over. He called it Three Flushes, so you know how he won it. Dar wus three in de game Cap in Jones an Judge Peters an dey played three nights straight without sleep. Dey started wid dollar antes an went on up to mules, niggers, cotton an land. I allers thort Marse George wud win, kase he tuk coffee ever time de yuthers tuk whisky. He kep cool while dey kep hot, an er cool brain is er poker brain. " He b ilt im er neat little home dar, not er fine home lakole marster s, but it wus comf teble an cozy, an dar he tuk Miss Susie an his niggers an horses an stock. "I thort sho dey d be happy; but sumpin wus wrong from the fus . Miss Susie wus sweet as she cud be, an so quiet an good, but I seed she wus eatin her heart out; for Marse George, try as he cud, cudn t git over pinin fur de other one. No body ever heard him say er word, an he give Miss Susie ever thing she wanted cept de love she wanted most uv all. Now dey ain t but two things in life dat s wurth while one s wuck and de other is love; wid arry one uv em shut out, it s just er ha f life at de most. i86 "UNCLE WASH" "I fus* noticed it in Marse George. He tuk to drinkin whisky instead uv coffee an he played reckless and run wid wild men. Dis nearly broke Miss Susie s heart. But befo she died for she died the second year I seed her in her room settin in er chair weepin an combin out her long, beautiful hair. "Dat de plaines time I ever seed her, an after she wus dead I seem to member her dat way. "She never crossed Marse George nor nagged him, nor complained, an she wus sick er long time wid fever. But befo she died she called him to her, an wid tears in her eyes an in his n too, he promised her he d never drink nor gamble. Den she look lak she wus happier den she ever wus. Marse George, too, looked lak he jus begin to luve her good. "He wus holdin her in his arms when she died. " It all had er pow ful effec on Marse George an fur er year he quit drinkin . He give his houn s away an* sold his race horse. I never seed er man es quiet an* miserable as he wus. " But one Christmas I notices he wus brighter. His ole self came erg in. I soon seed what it wus. I seed him readin er note from de murchant s wife. I watched him mighty close for de nex few days, for I didn t like dat kind er foolishness, an I knowed Marse George wus in danger uv ruin ef dat kind uv thing started. I soon had all de worry I wanted. She met Marse George dat night, es gay an spirited an es fond uv him es ever. She met him at er fox hunt wid er crowd uv people all but her husban he wus too busy to think of her an she an Marse George got lost frum GHOST THAT SAVED THREE FLUSHES 187 de crowd, but turned up two hours afterwards. An de horses didn t look lak dey d been doin any runnin . An when we got home dat night Marse George wus drinkin . It mighty nigh killed me to see him throw hisse f erway. " He wus gay eser boy when I tuck dehorses,an he said : " Wash, we ve had er great run to-night. I begin to feel like myse f er gin. " Marse George, say I, I hopes you will pardon me if I overstep de bounds uv yo sarvent, but ain t you playin wid fiah, Marse George ? " Hold yo tongue, an tend to yo own bisness, say he. Don t yo ever give me eny advise erg in. " It beca se I wus thinkin uv Miss Susie, Marse George, seys I. "He turned an walked in. "Wai sah, dar wus more balls, an parties, an meet- in suv all kinds. Ever whur I turned dat oman ud bob up gay an happy, an headed fur Marse George. She d drive by our place an talk to him for hours in de hammock under de trees. She danced wid him at de balls, she hunted wid him an lived wid him till ever body cept her husban seed dey wus in love wid each other. He jes kept on sellin cotton an sich, an settin up to his books instead uv his wife. "De hold she had on Marse George wus lak Delilah. He drunk more, talked more an got more recklesser. He gin er stag party, an de men all gambled at cards. Dey played all night, an only two uv em wus sober enuff to come to de breakfas table; an Marse George warn t one uv em! 1 88 "UNCLE WASH" "It sho nearly brake my heart, but I tuck keer of ever thing an pushed de farmin , an made de crap es big es ever. "It wus late one evenin when I wus cuttin hay in de river meadow. De sun wus set an twilight wus gatherin over de hills. I made de han s shoulder up dere sythes an start to de cabin. I tuck er nigh cut to get to de barn quicker an de res , fur I had all de feedin to do. I stopped in de orcha d by de spring house to git er drink uv water, fur I wus thirsty, fur it had been er hot day in de hay field. I wus down under de bluff by de spring when I heerd voices fur above me under de June apple tree fur de apples wus ripe. I heard er saddle horse stompin nigh, an I looked an* seed er lady s saddle mare hitched nigh. I didn t intend to hear hit, but I heard Marse George say: You were mine at fust mine, I tell you befo you wus ever his/ "I heerd her sorter sigh, an dey wus silent. You don t deserve me the way you acted, fur you knowed I luved you then as I do now/ she said after while. " I heard Marse George kiss her. To-night/ he say, Ts gwiner to claim you. We ll go away you an me don t ker whut de wurl , yu r husban or de devil say. You are mine mine! " I saw him take her in his arms an dey stood, her head on his shoulder. I heurd em make arrangements to run off dat night. Dey wus to take de kerrige at GHOST THAT SAVED THREE FLUSHES 189 two o clock, he wus to drive to her home. After dat he say, We ll travel er year in er furrin country; by dat time he ll have er divorce fur he don t love you eny way, nor you you don t love him? " No, no, darlin , she said, I love only you/ "I slipped out to de barn. I wus shakin all over. Good God/ say I, Marse George is ruined! "I never wus so miser ble in my life. I seed her ride off in de twilight, an den Marse George come to de barn sorter hummin er ole love song. Wash, say he, Tse gwinter have Captain Jones an Judge Peters to supper to-night. You stay up an* have de kerrige ready. I may wanter go off on er little trip. "Den he tole me whut to do whilst he wus gone, an how to plant ever field. I listened to him an I didn t sey er thing, but my heart wus nigh brakin , fur I luved Marse George an I knowed he had er great big heart, ef he wus reckless. "An dat sot me to thinkin uv po little dead Miss Susie. For I loved her best uv all. It wus nearly night when I went into de setting room to carry in de fresh water. The lamp wus turned low, an de room was shadowy in de pale light. All wus still, an I passes Miss Susie s chair, where she allers set. I seemed to miss her mo an mo . I had put de water down an wus turnin to go out, when I felt lak some body wus in de room besides myself. I had hearn no foot -steps, but I jes felt dar wus anurr presence dar besides me. I looked aroun fur er minute. I didn t know w ether I wus livin or dead. Creepin chills 190 "UNCLE WASH" run up my back an de blud jes froze in my heart, fur dar sot Miss Susie in her chair, combing her long hair jes lak she uster do befo she died. De lamp blazed up an lit up de room, an es de light flashed out it lit up her face an eyes wid er gleam dat showed de tears dar, jes es I seed her cry befo . She never looked at me, but looked erway off, an she wus es nachul es er livin picture. I tried to move, but seemed to be froze to de arth. Miss Susie, O, Miss Susie, I cried, an when I looked ag in she wus gone. "When I got so I cud walk, I started out an met Marse George in de hall. I lackter run over him, es I wus shakin wid er chill. Whut s de matter with you? he say, sorter sharp lak. " Marse George, I sed, Marse George, I jes seed Miss Susie in dar as nachul es life but I cudn t sey no mo I sot down on the flo in er dead fit. I heard him call de house gal for to bring de brandy an he give it to me stiff. Take dat, sez he, Wash, your nerves is out uv fix, an you is de victim uv er hallucinashun, seys he. You ain t seen eny thing in dat room. " But I cud see he wus puzzled an worried. "I got up an went out. I didn t b leeve my own senses. I felt cold an light erbout my head. I d never b leeved in sich things, an de mo Marse George talked to me de lesser I b leeved I d seed it. "Sides, de brandy doped me, an it s er pow ful good thing ter make er man see things es dey ain t. GHOST THAT SAVED THREE FLUSHES 191 "I jes tole myse f I d had er light-headed spell an seed things dat warn t dar. " Arter er while de Capt in an de Judge come in, de house wus lit up, an er good supper served. Supper over, I brought out de whisky an de ole fashion loaf sugar, big es er cake, an de gentlemen went to drinkin an playin . "Marse George wus reckless an bet nigger after nigger. Sometimes he lost an den he won. But luck sot in ag in him an he lost ever time. He put up de cotton an hit went. "I sot behind him watchin de game. Dey had played on till nigh midnight. Marse George had tole dem dat at midnight he wud quit, es he had er engagement later. De pot had growed to be er big thing. Capt n Jones he had up ten thousand in warehouse receets, an Judge he had up de coin in big rolls. Marse George had lost steady, an he say, Gemmen, I ll put up de farm in dat pot, Ef I lose it s alright, for I don t mind telling you gemmen dat Ps going erway for er year, to-night, maybe I ll come back maybe I ll never come/ " Marse George I say, don t for Gawd s sake don t put up de farm. " He turned on me an cussed me. I slipped down behind his chair, my face in my hands, fur I felt lak he wus lost. " Will you take de farm in at twenty thousand dollars? he say. Ef so, I ll now play you to er stand still/ "De Judge nodded an shuffled an delt de cards. 192 "UNCLE WASH" "De light begun to burn low. Den I smelt in dat room dat cur is smell erg in es frum de dead jes es I smelt dat evenin ; an I felt de same feelin lak somebody wus in de room. I wus feared to look up. I seed Marse George an de others reach out to take up de cards an I knowed on dat han hung me an dat fine farm. "But Marse George never touched his, fur dar in dat same chair sot Miss Susie combin her hair, an de lamp lighted up her eyes an de tears wus dar. " I grabbed Marse George shoulder and p inted. " He gins one look an I seed the blood freeze in his face. His hand re ching out for de cards jes lay still an par lyzed. What in de hell, Young, is de matter wid you? sed the Judge, lookin at em plumb stounded. "Den de both turned an looked wher dey seed Marse George lookin . " But dey didn t seem to understan , an both uv em riz quick frum dey seats, an de Judge bowed an sez: " Pardon me, madam, 1 didn t kno dar wus er lady in de house. "Marse George had fell back in his chair. "An den Miss Susie riz up an walked towards de door, an at de door she turned an looked at Marse George for er second so sad it melted my heart. "Wid dat she vanished an yit de door was still shet. " Not er man spoke er word nor moved for er moment. I seed de Judge rub his forehead lak he wondering ef he dreamed, an de Capt in stood pale an shakin , reachin for de whisky. At las de Judge sed: GHOST THAT SAVED THREE FLUSHES 193 " My God, Young, who was that woman an* where did she go to? " That/ sez Marse George, wus my wife she died er year ago. " He riz up so shaky I had to hold him. Gemmen, shall we finish the game? I fear I am going to faint. " Wash, he says, when he seed de other two lookin fur dey hats, bring round the kerrige an shut up this house. Gemmen, we will ride. I am goin out West wid this boy an take er hunt. I ve been all kinds uv er fool an er madman, er reprobate an er breaker uv solemn vows to er dying wife, But I m sane erg in. "Hewus, an de yudder oman never seed im ergin. He died on de firin line at Shiloh, sah, leadin his regiment." 18 THE ORIGIN OF THE COON year ole Marster went up to Philadelphy, whar er ship load uv niggers had been shipped in, an* focht back er half dozen likely bucks an wenches fresh frum Afiker. We had to do this ever now an then because de Ian wus cleared so much faster dan we cud till it an ole Marster wus allers buyin mo Ian* than we cud raise niggers to till it. Now there is sev ral little pints about er nigger fresh frum Afiker dat you hafter watch, chief uv which is his smell. Fur ten years or mo dese pints sticks an often ain t bred outen dem untwell de nex jinerashun. One wus to keep em outen hoo-doo tricks an wash em in de creek at least once er month; de other wus to get em to eat cooked vittles, an de las wus to sew up dey clothes on em so dey cudn t git out when the sun shone hot. I s seen hundreds an hundreds uv em in my life, lived on de same place wid em, an dese have allers been de pints I s noticed it wus de hardes to break em in for de fus lesson uv civerlizashun. "And it wus er hard thing to get em to do it. Ever one fetched his little gawds erlong wid him. Dese little gawfls wus little stick men wal, you cudn t call em much mor n sticks, wid heads cyarved on em an wore slick an greasy frum bein handed down for hundreds uv years from one nigger to er nurr. " I called dese little things Jacks. I thort that ud suit em as well as enything. (194) THE ORIGIN OF THE COON 195 "An* ever nigger had his Jack, which he worshipped, and which he thort told him everthing dat ud come to pass. "An don t you think dey wan t foolish bout dem little Jacks! " I wus overseer fur ole Marster an had charge uv all them Afiker niggers an I cum mighty nigh losin my life onct by gittin between one uv dem big, fierce savage niggers an his r ligun, which wus his Jack. This nigger used to git his Jack up ever mornin bright an early, an sich prayin an carryin on wid dat Jack you never seed. Dis nigger wus named Skibo, an he d rastle wid his Jack in prayer mornin , noon an night. He sed Jack kep him frum all harm, dat he kep snakes frum bitin him in de new groun , an fevers frum ketchin him in de swamp, an ghostes frum chasin him at night, an er blue-gum nigger cudn t pizen him ef he bit him ef he made Jack tech de spot. An Jack even told him if his wife wus faithful or not, which es they generally wan t, shows whut er fool eny nigger is dat ever thinks he needs er Jack on dat pint ! "Wai, as I sed, dis Jack told Skibo everthing cept how to bathe onct er month, how to keep his shirt on widout tackin it to his years an how to wuck in de cotton an cohn fiel . "An dem wus de things I wanted Jack to post him on most pintedly. "When the sun ud git hot Skibo ud throw off tumble. I d find him ever time my back wus turned havin er bad case uv riligun in eny shady place he cu d pull out his Jack, fur he allers carried de thing 196 "UNCLE WASH" tied up in er eel skin round his neck. So one day when I caught him for de thud time in one mornin gwine into er conference wid Jack es to whether his wife wus thinkin uv him dat minute or er nurr nigger dat hader conjure made up uv er turkledove s egg an er frog s foot an put hit under his do step to wean erway his wife s flectuns, I gin him er kick in his prayin end, snatched his Jack frum round his neck an flung de thing into de creek. "Den I seed whut er mistake I d made to try to get between er fool an his r ligun! He come at me lak er gorilla uv de woods, an de only thing dat saved my life wus dat de staff uv my bull whip loaded wid nigh er pound uv lead wus er little further in de reach dan his arm wid er knife in it. Befo he come to I shackled his right arm to his leg, went into de creek, got de leetle ole thing an put it on his breast. "When he came to an seed it you cud a heard him laughing a mile. He thort Jack had come out uv de creek an saved his life! "After dat I seed I had to kill him ef I separated him from his r ligun, an* es he cost ole Marster five hundred dollars, I done de bes I cu d. "Wai, dat nigger kep on till he got de whole plantashun, even ole Marster, to bleevin in his Jack. He had Jack perdictin two or three things dat sho did come to pass. He sed er month erhead dat ole Shobo, de witch nigger, ud die on er certain day; an on dat day ole Shobo laid down an died! I allers thort he wus skeered to death, but it sho fixed Jack es er proffit ermong de niggers. THE ORIGIN OF THE COON 197 "The nex shot he made wus dat in the spring of 42 dar wus gwinter be er killin frost de last week in May an so hep me Gawdef it didn t come an killed cotton hoe high an* corn up to yo knees. Dat made me so mad that I begged Marster to let me sick de blood hounds on him an run him into the swamp. But he wudn t ole Marster wus beginnin to bleeve in him hisself. Dar is superstishun in ever man dat ever lived an dat fool savage an his Jack wus beginnin to tech ole Marster s. "One mornin he come to old Marster in er tumble hurry an told him he jes had to speak to him. By dat he cud talk sorter like sumpin nurr, an he got down on his knees and begged ole Marser to move outen de little office he slept in nigh de big house befo night. Ole Marster laughed at him an tole him to go to wuck. He went beggin an then I gin him er lickin fur not wuckin , but he run back to de house an got on his knees er gin an begged ole Marster not to sleep in de little room dat night, dat Jack told him sumpin tumble gwinter happen ef he did. Ole Marster tried to kick him away, but he hung on to ole Marster s han kissin it an beggin till ole Marster promised. "Dat wus de night uv de big cyclone dat struck de little office fust and swept it erway an fo nigger cabins, killin three niggers. Ole Marster wus reddy then to swar by him. "Then he played er trick on ole Marster. One night he stole ole Marster s saddle hoss out an hid him in de woods. De nex day we scoured de country boss-back an erfoot, but no hoss. 198 "UNCLE WASH" "Marster called on Skibo an* Skibo set up his Jack. Fust he went into er trance Jack wouldn t talk to him less he wus in er trance, an when he wakes he goes straight to de swamp where he hid de hoss and rides home. " By dis time it had gone all over de country, an Marster sed he d bet his farm he had er hoodoo nigger dat could tell anything. He wouldn t let Skibo wuck at all ; he fed him on de fat uv de land, and let him marry er wife on ever plantashun erroun dar an he even tuck Ole Pitt s young wife erway frum him an gin her to dat Skibo. " An de more ole Marster drunk the mo he bragged on Skibo. "De fust thing I knowed (I heurd it frum nigger mouth) ole Marster and Majah Sellers, his nabur, had made er big bet. Hit wus the talk of the county. Ole Marster bet ten uv his niggers an er thousan dollars erg in de same uv Majah Sellers dat de Majah cud put up anything, sight-under-seen, enywhar, day or night, an Skibo would tell whut it wus. De Majah tuck it up an Sat day nex afternoon wus to be de test, it bein er half holiday fur us all. "Wai, de whole county turned out an dat Sat day we went in er body over to Majah Sellers, ole Marster ridin in frunt wid Skibo an his Jack. "De yard uv Majah Sellers wus full uv naburs an niggers an we wus all drawed up in er line an de ten niggers on each side put up in er bunch an de money in de stakeholder s hands. " I looked an I seed nothin in de open place whar THE ORIGIN OF THE COON 199 dc test wus to be made but er big iron pot turned over, an den I lamed dat de thing dat Skibo wus to tell uv wus under dat pot, an he had jes one guess at it. "Majah Sellers wus laughin an mighty pleased at de chance uv winnin ten niggers an er thousan dollars, an Marster jes stalked erroun an swore he already had de Majah s niggers an money. When de hour come an everything wus ready an everbody was dar, Marster walked to de open place wid Major Sellers an de stakeholder who wus de referee, an sed: Come, Skibo, git down on de groun , and rastle wid yo Jack an tell us what s under dat pot/ "Skibo got down, but I don t know why it wus, he cudn t go into his trance. Some sed de big crowd frustrated him; some sed Jack wouldn t wuck on er ungodly bet, and some sed de skill had left Skibo. Anyway, he sot an foamed at de mouth an beat his breast an set Jack up befo an behind an sideways an on his back an on his belly, but it wus no go, an Marster cud see it plainer than enybody. "Five minutes ten minutes er half hour passed, an still Skibo foamed an beat his breast an looked like er whipped dog, an Marster stood pale an worried. 1 Come, sed de referee, time s up; what s under dat pot, nigger ." "An den Skibo beat at his game an wantin to die, fell on his knees befo de man, raised his han s to heaben, put his mouth in de dust an sed: " Buckra Buckra you done got de ole coon at last! 200 "UNCLE WASH" "Majah Sellers turned pale. His laugh died on his face as he turned to ole Marster and sed: By Gawd, he is right it s er coon we caught and put under dat pot last night. Take de niggers an de money. " De referee lifted de pot and out come Mister Coon. We raised er shout and carried Skibo back home on our shoulders. "An frum dat day dey have called all black niggers coons." THE NERVOUS GOATS* "I NEVER had much use fur goats/ said Uncle 1 Wash the other night, "an I got less use fur em now dan ever. Dey may be es good to eat es sheep to some people, but when I hears er man say dat, ef he s white, I looks fur his head to be all cymling and his feets all giblets, an ef he s black I looks fur blue gums an* wropped hair. Ever now an den, dey gits up er goat craze in de South an dese city men whut edits farm papers in cities tells whut er pow ful lot uv money dey is in goats. After tellin how dey eats up ever - thing nuthin else will tetch not even barrin er carry on cro an can live an prosper on er dry spot so nigh de wicked place dat nuthin else cu d live dere wid col feet unless dey walked on stilts, dey den pro ceeds to tell how fast dey can prop-er-gait, which is er big word dey uses to tell how soon an nachully er little sissy kid goat gits to be er nanny. "It ain t often I drops into poetry, but heah is de way I figures it out: Two little goatses, out in de sno Dey gits married an den dar is fo*. Fo little goatses longin to mate, Bare is de larder, but soon dar is eight. *When this story was published in a magazine it brought many letters asking if there were, in fact, such goats as described by Old Wash. The story is true and these peculiar goats, called Nervous Goats, are well known in middle Tennessee. They have been the subject of much scientific inves tigation. This incident happened to the flock owned by Mr. Walter Farmer, Nashville, Tennessee. (201) 202 "UNCLE WASH" Eight little goatses, weeds, an no mo Weeds is for true love an now twenty-fo . Twenty-fo goatses climbin de gate, Ever whar dey oughtn t be now eighty-eight. Eighty-eight goatses, all in de corn, Still studyin rithmetic two hundred s born. Two hundred goatses on house top an tree Dey drops six hundred by de rule uv three! Six hundred goatses, locustin de land, Living on lizard, love-knots an sand, But sand is deir manna dey marry ag in, Now sixteen million, nine hundred an ten! "Did you urver notice, Marse John, de tumble hard slam de Bible gives de goatses? An when de Good Book tags er thing it s dar fur all eternity an warranted not to fade. Uv all de animules in de ark, snakes an goatses is de only things dat is under de ban. You know whut de snake done tempted Eve, an de rest uv us been stayin in after skule ever sense an takin our spankin . But de way it throwed off on de goatses wus wussur still, fur it laid ever low-down white- livered thing dat happened on de goatses. Whenever er ole Jew had done sumpin specially low down an wanted to lie out uv it hisse f, he d rub asserfeterty an gypsy juice on some goat an start him th oo de wilderness. Dey call him er scapegoat because dey thought he orter be thankful to scape wid his life, seein he kerried so many other fo kses sins on his back. "Oh, you kin jes bet er man gits whut he sows in dis woiT. THE NERVOUS GOATS 203 "Ole Abraham started de thing an all de others kep it up an all th oo de Good Book de sins uv de world is laid on goatses. Dey even studied it out fur de Jedgment day when dar ll be er big separashun uv de sheep an de goatses, an all sinners will be turned into goatses. Dis allers struck me es correct, fur dere is jes erbout dat much difference twixt er game, ole, naughty, bad-smellin sinner an er weak, no count, sissy, bab-bab, goody-goody! "An it s all in favor uv de goat ! " Es fur me, give me er goat over er sheep ever time. Er goat smells bad to some fo ks, but he ll hustle fur his own, is dead game, don t complain, tends to his own business, ain t stuck up an is er pow ful ladies man. You nurver heah uv er goat-killin dog no, sah, but I s seed er many er dog-killin goat. An de best way to save er flock uv cowardly sheeps is to put er few billies in ermongst em. But er sheep de thing we Christyuns is picked out es emblem uv all dat s good an holy, Marse John, it s er shame! He s er meek-faced, flop- yeared fool, so silly he ll jump into er bottomless pit ef his nigh neighbor happen to fall in, an so cowardly any yaller cur can chase an kill de whole flock. Whilst his big horns an stiff neck is puttin up er bold game uv bluff, his slinkin limber tail, floppin betwixt his legs, is doin all it can to lie out uv it ! Dey ain t got sense enuff to keep er crow offen deir babes when born, dey hunts fur all de soft spots in de pasture an dey quits to anything dat gits er good holt on dey wool. Don t put up no lamb on my tomb when I s gone, Marse John. Ef I s got to be pictured an disgraced 204 "UNCLE WASH" es er animule an er nachur faker after I s dead an it s er ch ice twixt de goat an de sheep, carve fur Uncle Wash er game ole goat, wise unto salvershun, keepin his own council, speakin no evil, stickin to de middle uv de road er good ole prop-er-gaitin populite, whiskers an all! "Yassah! " But I started out to tell erbout dem nervus goatses. I lives down nigh Marse Walter, an he s got er flock uv dem goats, dat run in de pasture wid de fine mares. You know brood mares nurver git sick ef er goat stays ermong em, fur de smell uv de goat is so servigrus, dat whenever er microbe uv eny breed gits er good whiff uv it, he des gasps an smiles an dies, as de poet sez uv de hero soljer. An so Marse Walter he keeps dem goats wid his mares, an do he low us to go th oo eny other part uv de farm, he don t low nobody to make er common passway th oo de paddock. But de other Sunday es I went to preachin I wus late, an thinkin he wouldn t keer dis time I tuck er short cut th oo de paddock. I seed de flock uv goats an de mares an colts but I wuz so busy wuckin out my sermon, de tex of which was, And he separated de sheep frum de goats, dat I run over er kid sleep in de grass befo I seed it. Bah-bab, sez de kid, jumpin up so sudden twixt my legs dat I jumped two feet offen de groun . Den I gin him er kick when I hit de yearth, clap my hands to make him run an sed, Bab-bab t yo se fl "Wid dat ever goat dar started to run, but jes hollered bab-bab an drapped dead! THE NERVOUS GOATS 205 "An* when I seed whut I d done I mighty nigh done it myse f. " I started on er run fur de fence, but looked back an de groun wus jes kivered wid goats kickin an stiflfenin out an dyin . I spected to see de mares an colts tumble nex so I makes er break over de fence an over de hills back home. "No mo sermon fur me dat day. I d seed all I wanted to see erbout goatses, unless it wus how to raise em frum de dead. " I kep hid out all day, wonderin ef enybody seed me. All night I dreamed uv goats dreamed it wus de last great day, dat Marse Walter wus de great Judge, an when my time come I wus cast over among de goatses. "Sho nuff, at breakfus heah cum de sheriff, an reads me er writ an takes me to de jestice cou t. "I nurver had been rested befo . I wus scand lized an ruined, all by er lot uv goatses. I axed em to let me see you, dat you d go on my bond, but dey drug me befo de squire. "You nurver seed sicher trial; ever body wus dar, an de trouble I wus in seem to give gener l satisfacshun. De Majah he spoke ag in me, tellin de jestice dat I went into de paddock an* kilt de whole flock uv goatses. He wus so iarnal ugly dey all drapt dead at sight uv him, he say. He kep dat an some mo up furerhour, an he had de whole cou thouse, judge an all, er-laflfin at me. I nurver seed fo ks have so much fun an I nurver felt so mean an low down. De Majah splains it wus er flock uv ve y unusual goatses, 2o6 "UNCLE WASH" called Nervous Goats, an dat dey wus wuth er hundred dollars erpiece, an he figured out dat I owed Marse Walter des five thousand, six hundred dollars an de state pen two years hard labor fur trespass ! " Wid dat I jes give up. I d figured dat ef it cum to de wuss dey wus wuth bout two dollars each an I knowed I cu d sell de filly an pay dat. But dis jes ruint me. I wanted to die. I wus willin fur to sell all I had an pay up, but de Judge sed I d hafter make er speech an splain how it wus or he d hafter gin jedgment fur de amount an hang me afterwards. Hit looked lak dey wus gwine to make it es miser bul fur me as dey cud so I done de bes I cud wid er heavy h art. " * Marse Judge an Gen lm n, sez I. Ts er ole nigger, dat has lived er godly life gwine in an comin out befo you, an nurver got into no trouble befo till I got tangled up wid dat ar lot uv goatses in de paddock an I think dis wus de same breed dat will be on de Lord s lef han at de jedgment morn. Dey s I na chully de chillun uv darkness an dis heah wus er put-up job on me fur to make me furgit my sermon an do de devil er good turn. Gen l m n, when dem goatses all drapped dead on me, don t you kno I wus des es skeered es dey wus, an de only reason I didn t drap too wus because I didn t stop runnin long enuff? I wus in de same fix dat Marse Jack Reeves, uv Hard- man County, wus when he got drunk, missed his train an wus put in de same bed by de landlord wid er dead man dat had been laid out in de hotel. Bout two o clock he got sober enuff an thirsty enuff to take notice an he heerd two young fo ks talkin sweet in de THE NERVOUS GOATS 207 room an de young man wus tryin to kiss de gal. But she said, George, you mus n t try to kiss me whilst were sittin up wid er corpse, an den Marse Jack puts out his han an feels to see who he is sleepin wid an de face he teches wus marble! He wus in his night clothes an it wus er race twixt him an de young fo ks es to which ud git to de open air fust. But he lowed in de piece he writ erbout it, dat he wus des es bad skeered as dey wus. Now dat s de way it wus wid me an de goatses, gen l m n, an I think I got skeer enuff widout bein fined an saunt up. "Dis seem to tickle em mighty, an de judge said dat defo he would decide he thort it jes an right fur all hands to go down to Marse Walter s farm an see jes how many goatses I did kill. "Dis kerried, an* de sheriff handcuffed me an dey all tuck me down to dar, an I felt bout de sheep- killines dog dat ever wus. I seed em all winkin an laughin es dey went erlong, an me er-beggin em to let me go off an die. We went to de paddock an dar wus anurr flock of goatses, zact ly lak de ones I d kilt. I looked at em stounded lak, fur I seed I d lef some seed goatses, an knowin how dey prop-er- gaits, I jes nachully thort dey d done all dat in two days. Dar is er new flock, sez de sheriff. Now, ole man, des sho us des how you did manage to kill all dem other ones. " Gen l m n, sez I, I wus comin long right heah, cr-wuckin out my sermon, an right heah/ sez I, I steps oner little goat entirely unbeknownst to me, ao8 "UNCLE WASH" an he skeers me so I jumped twenty foot in de air, comin right back down on dat fool goat, dat didn t do nufifm but dance up an down, hollerin bah-bah, an tangled me up so ever time I step he d be dar whar I step at. " Bab-bab, " sez he, still er-dancin twixt my legs. " Bah-bah, yo se f," sez I; "if you cyarit run, fur Cord s sake git outen de way an lent me slow you bow;" an den, gen l m n, so he p he heab n, I didn t do nuflfin but jes gin er big whoop an clap my hands like dis . " I heard em all shout wid fun, an I looks an fore Gawd, I d done it erg in ever goat dar had drapped dead! "I broke an tried to run, dis time to de creek to drown myse f. " Ketch him, sed de Majah; don t you see he is de ole devil hisse f? Ketch him; he s er witch. " I stood par lyzed, beggin em to kill me an den I seed one goat after anurr kick erwhile an den git up es solemn es deacons an go to eatin grass es nachul es er grass widder! " I broke in er big laugh an shouted an de squire sed: " Resurrection morn, Wash fust man up fur a mint julip! "It wus all fur fun an dey had put it up on de ole man scan lous, but de aftermath wus fine er shady grove, er good barbycue uv dat very kid dat had skeered me so, watermifions an mint julip! " But I nurver spects to heah dem white fo ks tell de las uv it an nachully I keeps shy uv nervous goatses an nervous fo ks uv all kind!" A CONTEST IN THE KING S ENGLISH THERE is a young darky downtown, at a livery stable who has been priding himself on his ability, as he expressed it, "ter fling English." But he takes no pride in it any more. Uncle Wash cured him, and it happened this way: "Whenever I goes down dar arter yo mare/ the old darky said, "dis heah young niggah gins ter fling his English roun scan lus. I tell you, boss, I s gittin tired uv dat, an I s gwi teach im how ter talk English sho nuff some day. I sw ar to you, sah, " said the old man, as he mopped his face with his red handkerchief, "It s so hot I s mighty nigh mul- terplied, an I s got de commissary rumertism, ter boot; but jes you watch out fur me de naixt time dat nigger gins ter fling his jaw-bone roun whar I s standin jes you watch me riddle im wid sintax an orfrography an sich ! Jes you watch !" For several days after that I noticed the old man studying an old Davies Geometry and an obsolete work on synonyms, which I had sent to the attic long ago looking, as he expressed it, for "some good cuss- words to fit de casion." But I had forgotten all about it until one evening I drove into the stable with him. A sprightly young darky ran out, took the mare by the bit, and patronizingly remarked: "Gentermen, condescen to disintergrate frum de vehicle, an de quadruped shall have my unqualified 14 (209) 210 "UNCLE WASH" solicertashun, wid abundance uv nutrititious eller- ments. " And he smirked at the old man as much as to say: "Don t dat paralyze you, old man?" " Hold on dar," exclaimed Uncle Wash, and his eyes flashed as he rose quickly to the occasion: "Sonny/* he began witheringly, "it is transparent to de interlac- tual apprehension uv eny disinterested individual dat de gravertashun uv special conceits described on de hypotonuse of your simeon-headed eclipse, am entirely too cumbershum fur de horizontal vinculum dat cir cumscribes de radius uv yo cocoanut-shaped trape zium, sah!" "Wha wha what dat you say, Unker Wash?" gasped the young darky as his jaw began to drop. "I merely riz ter interjec de mental reservashun, " remarked the old man indifferently, "dat de interlectual hemmerage uv verbosity procedin from de vacuum produced by de metermorphosis uv de origonal super structure uv de san -stones uv yo cranium, am entirely incumpatabul wid de consterpashun uv ideas generated by de paralysis uv yo interlectual acumen, sah!" "Gawd, whut is he sayin ?" remarked the young negro sheepishly to the crowd that had gathered to enjoy his discomfiture. "In udder words," shot out the old man again, "ter make hit entirely incomprehensibul to de con- glommerated hypothesis uv yo trapezoidal interlec , I simply remarked dat de corporeal superfluerty uv yo physical insigniferkance am entirely too cumber some fur de beliy-band uv yo mental confermashun, sah!" A CONTEST IN THE KING S ENGLISH 211 Here the crowd shouted, the young darky s eyes looked like moons, his legs shook, and he gasped out: "Wha- wha what dat old man talkin bout., man?" " How long since dis nigger wus cotch in the jungles uv Africa," asked Uncle Wash quietly of the proprietor of the stable, "dat he can t understan de simples remark in de plaines uv English?" And then the old man tried again. He rolled up his sleeves, and with the air of one who was trying to make himself exceedingly plain he began laying it off on his fingers and palm: "Sonny, de equilateral altertudeuv de comprehen- serbility uv my former observations wus to de effect dat, ef in de course uv er cummercial transacshun, I shu d onexpectedly negotiate fur yo habeas-corporosity at its intrinsic invalidity an quickly dispose uv it at de exaggerated hifolutiness uv yo own colossal conceitability an hipnartic expectashun I d have sufficient commercial collateral to transpose my present habitation to de perennial localization uv de avenue called Easy." By this time the young darky was fairly groveling in the dust, "Do yo comprehen dat," yelled the old man, "yo po benighted parallelergram, distended frum de apex uv er truncated coon (cone), yo bow-legged son uv er parallelopipedon But the old man got no further with his geometrical swearing, for amid the shouts of the spectators his opponent had vanished, and as he went up the street to have the old man arrested for swearing in public, 212 "UNCLE WASH" he remarked to the policeman as he told his tale: "I didn t keer, Cap n, bout im outgineralin me er flingin English, an outcussin me in mo kinder new fangled cuss words den ever cum out uv Turkey, but when he fleeted on my mother by callin me de bow- legged-son-uv-er-parrot-an-er-pigeon-roost, de nigger don t live dat I gwi take dat frum!" It was a week later before Uncle Wash and I had occasion to drive into the stable again. We were met by the same darky, who took the mare by the bit and meekly remarked: "Light, gentlemen; I ll take de mair." And the old man said: "I am so excruciatinly rejoiced, sonny, to recognize de rejuvernated resur rection uv de exhileration perception dat an infmer- tesermal ray uv common sense has penerrated de comatose condition uv yo fibrous misunderstandin . In other words," he winked, "I s saved an ebononic interlec frum er new-bohn grave. " HOW UNCLE WASH CONVERTED PHOSPHATE IKE PHOSPHATE IKE was by all odds the worst negro 1 in the Mount Pleasant phosphate fields. Three killings and ten years in the penitentiary were the decorations that made him at once the revered and honored of his kind, and after such a record the tribute he levied on all other negroes, and which they honored at sight and without protest, ran all the way from their wares to their wives. His beaten paths were from crap game to crap game and from bar-room to bar room, varying by moonlight toward certain places where roosted things with feathers on them. This is Uncle Wash s account of how he changed the tenor Ike s ways: "De Mount Pleasant fiel is de toughes in our dioseize, de niggers dar bein all phosphate miners, allers comin an gwine chiefly gwine. An among all de thievin , drunkin lot, Phosphate Ike, wid er razor in his hip pocket an er durrenger in his boots, wus de wust. " I wus lected arter er hard tuzzle to minister to de spir chul contenshuns uv dat congregashun, an I made up my mind I wus gwine do things dat ud be worthy uv my repertashun. So I labored in de vine yard early an late, an tho I cort many er sinner in de net, I nurver cu d ketch Ike. I helt sever l distracted meetin s endurin uv de yeah, thinkin Ik ud walk (213) 214 "UNCLE WASH" into de trap, but he only laflf at me an saunt me wurd I d hafter bait dat trap wid sump n mo enticin dan craw-fish gospel an ole oman soup to make him give up whisky an watermilyuns. He even had de dacity to tell me to my face dat de wing uv one yaller laig on earth wus wurth two in heaben. Oh, he wus er scan lus, thievin , blue-gum inferdel! "But I laid fur im. I had to do it. Befo fall my influence gun to wane, an I seed it all wus because I cu dn t trap dat nigger into de fold. De contrer- bushuns in de hat dropped es stead lyes er ole maid s intrust in de widower preacher arter she learns he s gwine ter marry de fat gal uv de quire, an one day when de hat cum back empty I knowed dey had los faith in my bility to land dat onregenerit cuss an* his crowd, an ef I didn t do somethin quick dar d be ernuther nigger passin dat hat ever thu d Sunday an eatin fried chicken tween meals wid de sisterin. "I gin out dat de bigges distracted meetin uv de year d start de nex Lawd sday, an dat I wus gwinter rout de devil in de Mount Pleasant District or give him de fieP. "Befo de time come I sot my traps fur Bad Ike. He wus de head an front uv all de crowd dat wus holdin out ergin de Lawd. Behin him wus forty odd devilish young niggers an niggeresses, an he wus de bell-wether. I had wucked er year an didn t have nuffin in de church but er few old sisterin dat cu dn t do nuffin but go to sleep endurin de sermon an wake up to jine de doxology, an er few ole bretherin dat had plenty of piety but no pie. Nuffin went in dat secshun PHOSPHATE IKE CONVERTED 215 but er bran dance, er crap game an er nigger killin , led by Ike an his set. I wus square up agin de wust propersishun de gospel had ever hit sence de burnin uv de saints at de stake, an I cided I d hafter go outside uv all creed an conduct an outside uv all prescerdent an gospel an ever thing else to bring de Lawd s side ahead uv di-s deciple uv de devil. " But I done it. Necesserty am de mother uv inven- shun, an it holds jes es good in lijun es it do in anything else. But I wus de daddy uv dis skeme. "Wai, Marse John, de mo I study it de mo I seed I d jes hafter git up er new kind uv lijun myse f to fit dat case. Dar wa nt nuffin in de Bible from Sodum an Germorrah to de swallerin uv Jonah dat d fit dat nigger. Fiah on his back d only made him git er move on hisse f, like fiah on er turtle s back, to some other place uv devilment; an* eny whale big ernuff to swaller him wid dat razor in is pocket would er knowed how er operashun fur appendix felt frum de inside. De mo I study hit de mo I seed sump n wus wrong wid our way uv enticin sinners into de fold. Jes compare de devil s way an ourn an see how he has got us beat er block. We sticks to de ole way, sollum es owls an bout es much life in us as deir nestes, whilst de devil has er glad, new, joyous skeme to fit de require ments uv ever candidate. He keeps up wid de fashun, whilst we wearin de same lijus clo s, knee britches, powdered wig an all dat useter fit Marse John Wesley and Martin Luther. It must er bin er good fit fur dem befo de days uv flyin cyars an lectric lights an airships, beca se de only fun er man had wus 216 "UNCLE WASH" when he wus born, married or dead, or turned out uv jail fur debt an folks natchully went to church to hear de news an see who hadn t bin hung fur his lijus cunvicshuns sence de las meetin . Jes look at some uv de devil s skemes. He gits up er theater, full uv light an music an fun; we come back wid er prayer- meetin , wid de same ole long-winded bretherin sayin de same ole prayers. He laughs an gits up er dan:e whar young people can forgit deyse fs in er little uv de joy uv living. We sees his han an cums back wid er Sunday-school lesein tellin em all de way to have real fun is to be good an lonesum an let other folks kno when dey ain t livin right. He knows de weakness uv man an de folly uv woman an he gits up bar-rooms wid lectric lights an purty pictures, crap games fur niggers an poker an bridge whist fur de whites; we cums back wid sody-watter, church teas an games lak tit-tat- toe an flinch. He gits up politics an politercul conven- shuns whar men meet, fight it out in de good ole way, raise hell, take chances lak game white men an have er good time er die tryin . We spon s wid sermons an conf runces an convenshuns, whar everything is stacked an dried, oil poured on de water befo it gits troudled an de fences all whitewashed befo dey is ever put up. He changes de style uv is house wid ev ry new invenshun, but allers bright an joyous even if it ends in death, but we try to ntice young fo ks into our house not wid de joy an gladness an cheer fulness of lijun, but wid de same ole preacher still harpin on hell an damnashun an de same ole organ croakin : PHOSPHATE IKE CONVERTED 217 Hark frum de tomb er doleful soun . "He gits up op rys dat make folks forgit dey livin* an dream dreams uv beauty; an social clubs wid fine clothes on to lif em up out er deyse fs an away frum de wuck an common things uv life. He tells em all to live an be happy an we tells em to die an be damned. "I knowed our lijun wus all right, but I seed we ain t doin it right. Heah wus dese cattle dat I cu dn t even git up to de paschure bars to salt em, let alone close ernuff to put er halter on em, all fur lack uv er little common sense in lijun. I cided to salt em, bridle em, saddle em an* ride em. " I laid awake uv nights thinkin out my plan an* one night arter much prayer de light broke. It tuk me two mo days to git up my program an git it stuck up on all de nigger trails from Columbia to Lawrence- burg." The old man chuckled as he pulled one out. BIG MEETIN AT FOSFATE CHURCH. Come one Come all. New thing in relijun, enter- tainin , enticin , upliftin . 1. Openin Overtorys, Moses in de Bullrushes. By de fidlers three. 2. Cake walk fur de bigges watermilyun, widders barred. By all. 3. Short talk, My Rikellecshuns uv Hell. Br er Timothy Jones. (N. B. Br er Jones is er reformed drunkard, bin in de 218 "UNCLE WASH" pen 8 times an had five wives in one year. He speaks from authority.) 4. Guessin contest fur de nex big milyun. Ques tion: Who was de father uv Zebedee s chillun? (Preachers not obleeged to answer.) 5. Passin de hat fur de po uv de church. Deacon Dickey. (Save your bes fur de las .) 6. Organ music, Carve dat Possum. By de quire. 7. Potater race fur peck er sweet potaters. (Canderdates tied up in sackcloth an ashes. Route from pulpit to pool in de creek. Winner an water- milyun bofe baptized. 8. Soulful sermon, text, Sodom an Germorrah an* er Pile of Salt. Br er Washington. 9. PASSIN DE HAT FUR DE PARSON. By Phosphate Ike. The old man chuckled. "You nurver seed any thing lak it de bigges crowd dat ever got into dat church turned out, an , bless heaben, dar sot Ike on de front bench, so proud of de titlement I bestowed on him, leadin de whole gang. Now, Ike wa n t no fool, ef he did have fits, an when de hat was passed arter de guessin contes , and come back heavy wid plunks I seed Ike gin to take notice. At de fust call fur mohners, he wus up an whilst dey wus prayin Ike got me to post him on de wuckin uv de hat. I splained to him dat all I needed wus er good deacon fur hat- passer an dat I allers gin er tithe to de deacon, cord- in to de receets. I didn t hafter splain to him what PHOSPHATE IKE CONVERTED 219 a tithe wus befo he come to our lijun in great shape. This fetched all his gang, an sech er love feast as we had! " Now, Ike/ I whispers to him, Ts gwinter preach a soulful sermon, an I spec s you to do de res . " I think you ve hit em jes right, sez he, sorter keerless; dey all been paid off yis day, an I kalkerlate dar is jes about five hundred good dollars scattered in dat bunch uv niggers. " I tole im I hope he be vigilant in de cause." " Ain t I de deacon uv de hat? sez he. " You is, sez I. " And I gits er tithe? " Sartinly, sez I. " Whut s de watchword uv de deacon? he asks. " De Lawd loveih er cheerful giver, sez I. "He kep on sayin it over till he knowed it, an den he went back an locked de do s, lockin up every nigger dar. "He wus a swasive nigger, as well as er holy terror, an ever nigger dar wus mortal skeered uv him. I nearly drap outer de pulpit when I seed his methods. He hung er big basket on de muzzle uv his durringer an went down de aisle, stickin dat gun under de nose uv every nigger an whisperin , De Lawd loveth er cheerful giver, an Cast thy bread upon de waiters. An dey jes fell over each other, when dey look down de bar l uv dat gun to reach dat basket wid de stuff dat er fool is soon parted wid. Dem dat didn t have de change, flung in fives an tens, an dem dat didn have nothin flung in collar buttons, razors, buckeyes, snuff boxes 220 "UNCLE WASH" an terbacker bags. None uv dem didn want ter spute de p int wid er bad nigger wid his ban on de trigger an de muzzle in deir face tellin em so swasive to give to de Lawd. "Boss, it wus de bigges collecshun ever tuck up in niggerdom, an I s still liven on de proceeds. When Ike fetched it up an poured it out dar wus: " Razors 44 " Buckeyes 16 " Eelskins fur rheumatiz 10 "Ole pistols 14 "Knives 18 " Silver watches 8 "Pipes 49 "Snuff boxes 10 " Sasshay bags 13 "Money 1487 " Hit wus er clean haul, but you could er cut de silence in dat church wid er knife. " I gin out de doxology and Ike let em out, but dey went out so glum I felt bad, an I sez: Ike, dat new kinder meetin is er prenounced success, but I s fraid I ll nurver git em back again. We don need to, sez Ike, as he counted out his part. " De nex week I met Ike an* I axed him if he wus still stickin. " Still stickin ? sez he, contemplative lak; Br er Washington, you don know how good de Lawd has PHOSPHATE IKE CONVERTED 221 been to me. You know, I uster be er bad nigger, killin and stealin fur er livin . But sense I got yo kind uv lijun I bin different. Jes to show you, I went into a sto de other day to see er man. But he had went out fur er minute, an dar wus nobody dar, an dar wus hung up er twenty-dollar silver watch on de wall. I reached up my han fur it, an de Lawd said: "Don take it, Ike. " I couldn stan it, an my han jes drapped on er little ole pair uv five-dollar shoes, an I slipped em in my pocket an went out. Dat s whut de Lawd s done fur me." THE RECONSTRUCTION OF MARSE GEORGE NO, sah," said Old Wash the other night, "I ain t nurver seed jestus contributed jes lak it useter be done when we niggers helt de balance uv de power an misterpreted de laws uv de Ian . It wus back in Reconstruction days er skeme de publicans an sinners rigernated to change de complexion Uv de fightin white fo ks uv de South without changin their pedigrees. "Dey wanted to make white black, and black white, an they cum bout es nigh succeedin es de man who tried to make blackbirds white by whitewashin their eggs before hatchin ! " Bein er wise nigger an raised wid Marse George an havin some painful rickerlictions uv some uv my past experience in monkeyin wid de cowhidin end of ole Marster, I stayed on my side uv de fence an left de speriment uv whitewashin de eggs uv gamecocks to niggers dat had got er whole lot to 1 arn about de un lawful proceedin s uv white fo ks when they wus up ag in er question uv life an death. Wy it s scanlus de disrespect dat white fo ks has fur er law dat don t fit em! If ole Moses had brought em down de ten comman ments an had added es de leventh, de Fo teenth Mendment to de constertushun, bout evry body bein created free an equal, dey would er spoilt de whole plan uv salvashun by bustin dem tab lets over ole Moses head ! "We know now dat all dat reconstrucshun foolish- (222) RECONSTRUCTION OF MARSE GEORGE 223 ness wus wuss on de blacks dan on de whites an dat wus bad enuff. Fur it sot our bes friends ag in us our own white fo ks an it brought to de front all dat wus low an vishus in our own race. Reconstrucshun es put up on us by de publicans, was de daddy uv Jim Crow cars, lynchin an Kuklux. "But dis heah Marse George thing wal Suh, when we seed de jig was up at de ole home me an Marse George we went to Wes Tennessee to run er cotton plantashun. It wus right aftah de wah an de niggers wus ten to one down dar. Dey done all de votin , hilt all de offices, got all de taxes which de white fo ks paid, an* ended in raisin all de hell dat wus needed to complete de pictur . An de mos uv it cum back to dey own fiahsides. Dey wus all common, low- down fiel -niggers out dar, jes three generashuns moved frum monkeys, an bein er emernently spectabul cullid gemmen f urn de race hoss state uv Murry County an havin sochated all my life wid gentermen, I didn t have no standin wid dat bunch uv baboons, dat run ever thing in dat end uv de state. "So me an Marse George, we jes tended to our own bizness uv tryin to make two stalks uv cotton grow wid one mule, fur de Yankees had cleaned up all de stock dat wan t hid in de cane brake endurin de wah. " It useter be pow ful lonesome uv er Sundays fur us, an* bein away from home an de blue-grass whar we useter spen our Sundays breakin de thurrerbred colts, nachully we gin to git lijus fur lak uv healthy mental exercise an sumpin nurr to do. Es dar is no state es bad as dat fur er young man hit leadin frum hypock- 224 "UNCLE WASH" ercy in youth to note shavin in old age, an es he cudn t play poker wid er nigger, Marse George nachully wus lonesome. "One Sunday we got er nigger to haul us some fiah wood an Marse George mused hissef wid his Colt s pistol, shootin at chips an things I d throw up, he allers bein mighty handy wid his pistols, an he didn t wanter lose de nack he had learned in de blue grass uv shootin de heads off uv squrls, an other varmints, not to mention de heads uv niggers ef dey got ob- streperus. "Wai, sah, bright an early de nex mornin heah cum three mighty obstreperus lookin niggers, ridin hosses dey d stole endurin de wah, an lookin pow ful solumn. Dey rid in de fiel an up to whar we wus an one uv em sez: "Sah, I s Cicero Caesartum, Gran High Consterbul uv de Realm uv de Land, an dese heah two gentermens is Pomeroy Patrick an Brutus Begora, Second an Third High Consterbuls as aforesed an wharfore, an we ve got er circum-fetcbum fur you dat calls fur yo habeas corpus instanter! Whut de devil do you coons mean, sez I, ergittin hot, er-ridin over our plow d groun , stoppin our wuck an flingin you dog latin an yo pole cat perfume aroun on de mohnin air? Ef it s de English language you is tryin to speak, sez I, er-winkin at Marse George, jes listen at yo Unker Washin ton speak it pure an ondefiled. "An wid dat I struck er attertude an shot dis bolt into de solumes lookin nigger: Sab, sez I, ef de RECONSTRUCTION OF MARSE GEORGE 225 neiber habiliments uv yo fundermental equipments wus es incompaterabul in makiri connecsbun wid de res uv yo anatermy es de intelectual verbosity uv yo consterpasbun uv ideas, you d be sbot yosef fur indecent exposure of yo own babus corpy-us! "At dat volley he coght his bref an nearly fell outer de saddle. " Sah/ sez he, I rests you fur contempt uv co rt/ " Oh/ sez I, I pleads g ilty to de contempt part, but whar is de co rt? " De Gran High Consterbul is allers part uv de High Co rt uv de Ian , sez he, drawin hissef up er inch higher, an we stan no furrin cuss words lak yo done flung at us. But de co rt ain t in sessun, sez I. " Ts in sessun, sah, allers in sessun sah, I ll have yo kno , an you am rested fur contem t and dis heah white man heah, he went on, p intin to Marse George, an drawin his cirum-cum-fetcbum from his pocket ergin an tryin to read it upside down, am rested fur sturbin de peace uv de Sunday. Yo am recited to appear at noon to-day, sah, befo de Honerbul High Co rt of de Tenth Deestrick, de Honerbul Rastus Clowers presidin an answer to de charges er wherein, er wherefore an er whizzin ! "I bristled up at dat sassy talk an wus about to pull him offer dat hoss an beat his High Consterbul head into er jelly, when it dawned on Marse George dat it wan t no joke, but dey had us rested fur shootin de day befo . An he put his han on my shoulder an tole me to be still an sed ever so nice to de niggah: 15 226 "UNCLE WASH" " Say to Squire Glowers dat I have no desire to violate de law uv de Ian , dat I am not conshus uv havin done it, an dat as er law-abidin citerzen I ll appear at de proper time to answer de charges ag in me, an I ll bring him wid me, he sed, noddin at me, an be sponserbul fur his pearance. "Wid dat de High Consterbul bowed three times, givin de millertery s lute an rid off. "Wai, we went, Marse George fust stickin his two Colts in his belt to have em ready in case de Co rthouse cought on fiah. Mighty nigh ever nigger in de deestrickwusdar to see er nigger judge try er white man. De house wus packed, even de winders wus full. De temple uv jestice dat day looked lak er rookery uv crows an smelt er lettle mo sivigerus than it looked. "When Squire Rastus Glowers cum in he wus so black dey had to light de co rthouse candle to see de crowd. He tuck his seat wid great dignerty an cum down on de table wid er gravel an sed: " O yes, O yes, de Honerbul Rastus Glowers am now in sessun. Fetch in de witnesses! 1 Ef yo Honor please, sez de High Conster bul, Ts got em all chained out in de thicket to saplin s/ Dat s right, sez His Honor, but you can now fetch em in an let de chains cum wid em. Sol- ermun in all his glory, sez he, er glarin aroun at de gapin niggahs dar, had not de powah dat dis co rt has. " By an by heah cum de witnesses wid de chains on em. Sah, I nearly fell over. Dat fool Co rt had tuck RECONSTRUCTION OF MARSE GEORGE 227 ever one of dem niggah witnusses an had em chained each one to er saplin in de woods. Dey cum in wid clankin chains, makin er turrubul pressive noise an duly impressin all de niggahs dar. " Stan up! sez de Co rt, an dey all riz holdin up dey han s wid de chains still on em. Do yo solumnly swear, sez de Co rt, in de presence uvMe an Almighty Gawd to tell de truth, de whole truth an nothin but de truth? "Which dey did an sot down. " Let de pris ner at de bar stan up, sez de Co rt to Marse George, an Marse George stood up, smilin kindly among all dem niggahs, an lookin lak er thurrerbred in er mule pen. " Have yo got enything to say, sah, sed he er glarin at Marse George, why de sentence uv dis co rt should not be passed upon you an de writ of cercberarity executed on yo body?" " Why, yes, may it please de Co rt, I d lak ter kno fur whut I s charged wid, sez Marse George. " Lem me see de papers, Mistah High Consterbul, sez de Co rt, an lookin lak he forgot dat part of it: Dis am er writ uv cimm-cum-fetcbum, sez he, enjoined by de Suv renty uv de High Co rt uv de Lan fur de crime, fellerny and misdemeanor uv shootin on de Sabbath agin de peace an dignerty uv de Ian . " I d like to see dat section uv de code, sez Marse George, dat sez it s er violation uv de law to shoot on de Sabbath onless in sech distance to er house uv worship to disturb it/ "De Co rt grabbed his code an begin to hunt fer it. 228 "UNCLE WASH" Up an down an over pages he run his finger, de sweat standin on his face, an Marse George waitin pashuntly At last he sed: It am de cision uv dis High Co rt dat it can t jes zactly put his finger on de spot sayin it am er fellerny to shoot on de Sabbath, but de rule of con sanguinerty an nex uv kin allers prevails in er case lak dis, bein under de rule uv nullius fillius an* guverned by de law of consanguinerty uv blood an de nex uv kin. Now I finds de nex uv kin right heah in secshun 49 dat it ain t lawful to sell licker on de Sabbath, an de Co rt am uv de pinion dat it s jes es bad to shoot on de Sabbath es it am to sell licker, it bein in accordance wid de law uv consanguinerty dat shootin allers follers de whiskey, an so we ll go to trial on de charge of sellin whiskey/ " You can t do that/ sez Marse George kindly. " I can t? sez de Co rt erglarin at him. Wai, jes watch me do it, an be keerful yo don t use no mo superpulative remarks to dis co rt or I ll find yo fur contempt/ " I appeals from yo rulin to de Cirkit Co rt/ sez Marse George. " I finds yo five dollars fer sinnatin dat eny body kin peal from dis Co rt, sed de judge. " I asks fur er change uv venue/ sed Marse George, very low-like in his voice mighty low, but I d 1 arned it allers come befo some mighty high actin/ " Til hav yo to kno , sah, dat dis Co rt nurver changes enything/ " I see it don t/ sez Marse George, not even it s linen/ RECONSTRUCTION OF MARSE GEORGE 229 " I find yo ten mo dollars fur contempt uv co rt/ he glared an looked grandly over de bunch uv niggahs dat grinned back an seem to enjoy it. Til nurver pay it/ sed Marse George, risin up an shakin his finger in de Co rt s face. " I seed sum niggahs begin to crowd up, cussin an spittin fur er fight, an I thort we wus sho in fur it. ; I finds yo er hundred mo yells de Co rt, an I orders de Consterbul to take yo to jail till it s paid/ an he riz up, glared at Marse George an pounded de gravel whilst de niggahs crowded up lak wolves aroun er hamstrung steer. " But Marse George riz about de same time wid fight in his eyes, an aftah makin er few very unkomplemen- try remarks in language dat I don t want to put in de record, he lowed dat dey wan t ernurT niggahs in dat co rt dat could do it, an quick es er flash he pulled both guns, levelin on de Co rt fust. I heard er wild scramble uv niggahs fur de do an winder an I seed de Co rt dodge down under de bench an heurd it holler es it bobbed up an down: Don t shoot, white man, I ll giv yo er change uv venom! Sit up, then/ sez Marse George, but still holdin his gun on de judge, an let me put de motion properly befo de Co rt. " Sartinly, sah/ sez de judge, bobbin up, jes so yo don t shoot. I now moves/ sez Marse George, dat de pris ner at de bar be released. " I second dat motion/ sez I, mighty peartly. 230 "UNCLE WASH" "Dis sounded like good law to de judge, an he sez: It am moved and seconded; dat de prisoner at debar be released. All in favor uv dat moshun say aye "An ev y niggah dar dat wan t already out behind er tree, yelled aye. It am so ordered/ sed de Co rt. "An* me an Marse George walked out." HIS FIRST KU-KLUX " A FTER de niggers wus sot free," said de old man J\ when I asked him for a Ku-Klux story, "dey wus lak sheep widout er leader, an didn t kno jes whut to do. Menny uv em tho rt somebody wus gwinter tak keer uv us lak es not Marse Lincoln jes lak ole Marster useter do an so dey loafed erroun till dey mighty nigh starve, waitin fur de forty acres uv Ian an de mule dat had been promised em fur votin wid de Publicans. Now, when fo ks ain t wuckin dey nachully gits into mischeef. But it ain t easy fur one man to git into mischeef by hisse f, he has to have he p, an freed niggers flock together es nachully es black birds. An in de flockin is de mischeef brewed. "Dey fus begun to get together in dese heah dis tracted meetin s, an dar s whar all de raskality had its beginnin ." " I ll haveter tell you bout dese heah meetin s es dey wus de wust orgies enybody ever seed out uv de jungle, tho they went fur church meetin . Ever night de niggers would meet thar an sech carryin on under de name uv ligun you nurver seed! Dar would gen erally be four preachers an they ud preach all night. T wards midnight dey d all git warmed up an den de women ud go into de ligun dance, shoutin , singin an turnin round an round till dey fell into de trance. Dey d stay in dis trance some time two days an nights an when they d come to, (231) 232 "UNCLE WASH" they d have de awfulles tale to tell which dey call dey experunce. Dis experunce ud make yo blood freeze. Dey nearly allers went fus to hell whar Satan ud take them erroun an sho em de pits uv fiah full uv de damned. Sometimes he d hoi em over dese pits er-grinnin an threatenin em wid fiah if they didn t knowledge him an forsake de Lawd. When dey d broke erway frum him an run off in de woods to pray, Satan ud foller em an tho he cudn t tech em whilst dey prayer wus on kase he cudn t break de spell uv prayer an he cudn t tech eny one dat wus prayin , still he d git behin em in de woods an bark lak er wolf an break down trees wid er turribul noise an do all he cud to distract dey minds an break up de prayer so he cud lay han s on em ergin. "But ef you prayed on you wus all right fur de angul ud come an take you up to heab n an sho you de glories uv hit. I s knowed em to be in er trance two days an nights an when dey come to, they ud tell tales uv hell dat ud warm de kinks outen de other niggers ha r. "In all uv dese meetin s dar wus allers brothers pinted by de preacher dat we call de Holders. Dar bizness wus to hoi de sisters when dey git to dancin an shoutin an see dat dey didn t hurt deyself. Den when dey went into de trance we d hafter lay em out on de grass till dey cum to. "Uv dese Holders I wus generally de most pop ular. "One night Sister Tilly went into er turribul trance an didn t kno nuffm. She wus spinnin erroun an* HIS FIRST KU-KLUX 233 shoutin an entirely outer her head an* singin er song dat run: / don t want to live in dis lan t I want to live in Heaben! " Jes fo she fell in de trance Brer Peter he run up to hoi her an she sung out; Don t want Br er Peter to bol me I want Br er Wash to hot me! " Cose I hilt her! "Dis same Sis Tilly cum mighty nigh breakin up de meetin dat night. Some fool niggers tuck her out when she went into her trance an laid her on de grass on de slope uv de little hill. Ef she d laid still she d er bin all right but she went to kickin an rollin erroun out dar an rolled down into er groun -hornet s nes . "Wai, sah, you never seed enybody cum outen er trance es quick es Sis Tilly ! She cum bilin into de church whar all uv em wus gwine on, an stid uv comin wid prayers she cum er cussin . She jes wanted to see de fool niggahs dat laid her by dat hornet s nes , an when she seed em she lit on one uv em wid tooth an toe-nail. Dat niggah had er wife an she lit back on Sis Tilly an pretty soon ever oman in dar dat wan t in er trance wus in er fight. Dey fit fur er hour an when it wus all over dey wan t nuffm left but de preacher an he had dumb frum de pulpit up into de rafters uv de church an looked lak er ole possum on er grapevine. Ever now an den he d call out : Be quiet sisters peace, be still! 234 "UNCLE WASH" " It raised sech er racket dat Squire Glowers, de same Jestus dat tried Marse George, had us all up befo him fur disturbin ligus sarvices. But we proves to him hit wus er festerful dat night an we paid at de do an hit jes got turned into er meetin by chance. Soon es he heard dat he sed : " Who tuck in de funds, sez he. " De do-keeper, sez I, Brer Peter/ Wai, den, sez he, I fines Brer Peter on de groun dat he ortenter let in foks dat is liabul to fight. "Dat sounded lak good law, but I allers tho rt he fined Brer Peter kose he wus de onlies one dat had de funds. "Wai, dese meetin s went on till by an by dey turned into orgies uv devil worship an stealin. All de meanness uv de naborhood fur miles wus traced to dese meetin s. Frum dese meetin s niggers went to steal an burn white fo ks barns, kose all de time dar wus white carpet-baggers in de Ian sicken em on to aggervate de white foks. Dese carpet-bagging men voted em lak sheep an hilt all de officers, fur our white foks cudn t vote under de law. "I knowed sumpin nurr gwineter happen an hit did happen when ole man Jones, er good ole white man, wus waylaid an robbed an killed in his own yard. "Now whenever er nigger do eny mean thing, hit ain t er day befo ever* uther nigger in dat settlement knows who done hit an nary one of em will ever tell on him. " Hit s es nachul fur er nigger to hide his criminals es it is fur er wolf to hide her young. ! knows es well es HIS FIRST KU-KLUX 235 I am er ole man an er nigger myself, dat every nigger in dat Brownville Kumpany knows who shot up Brownville, but nary one uv em will tell ef he wus up to be shot fur hit. "An so before night we all knowed it wus Kit dat killed an robbed ole man Jones. "Dat night when de meetin wus at full blast I seed my fus Ku-Klux. An ever nigger dar seed em, too, an nurver will fergit it. "De moon wus shinin when we seed, fru de church winders, er kompany uv ghost-horsemen ride outen de woods. "Dey cum slow an solum one behin* de y udder, dressed in long white shrouds dat kivered dem an* dey even had dey horse skivered with ghost clothes. Dey wus ghost-men on ghost-horses, that cum out uv de woods from no whar an es they rode erlong dey nurver se d er word nur made er sign. Hit wus de awfulles sight I ever seed. " Befo we cud break outen de doors an winders an* git erway dey had marched es solum es death erroun de log church an had us swronded. Den, widout er word, but at de sign uv de grave-leader, dey faced de church an stood solum es tombstones. Niggers turned white dat night dat had been bohn black befo day light. Some went under de benches but de mos uv em wus froze to de bench. Den whut you reckon? Dat leader wus on er fine hoss dat had sense lak er man, fur he rid him right in de church do an cum down de ile, tramp, tramp, tramp es solum es Gabriel on er hoss uv fiah. 236 "UNCLE WASH" "One look wus nuff fur ever niggah dar. Dat grave- man on dat grave-hoss, an not er word comin frum de man, an not er soun frum de boss cept his tramp, tramp, es he walked up de ile. Some whispered at it wus de angul on de fiery steed, but ole man Pete, de oldes nigger in de flock, he sed out loud : " Hit s ole Marster dat wus kilt in de war! "De grave-man muster heurd him, fur he turned his hoss at de pulpit an faced de crowd an pinted wid his long bony finger fur de water bucket. "Some nigger, mighty nigh skeered to death, handed it to him an fo Gawd, sah, he jes drunk off de full bucket at one drink ! "Den he sed in er deep low voice dat seem to cum frum de bowels uv de hoss he rid : " Thanks, friend! I ain t had no watah since I wus kilt in de fust battle uv Shiloh. " Hit s ole Marster Gawd, I sed so! sed ole Pete es he made er dive fur de hole whar er plank wus up in de flo . " It is /, sed dat same deep voice. Pete is right! "Den he pinted his bony finger at Kit dat wus seem to be dazed an sed: " Kit, murderer uv ole man Jones, prepare to meet yo Gawd! "He beckin to Kit an dat mean niggah walks up to him jes like er lamb, he cudn t no mo he p it den he cud fly. He wus ashy an shakin , but he marched up an when de leader pinted to de do , Kit marched out, de grave-man an hoss follerin him. "We seed em circle roun Kit an den de whole THEN HE PINTED His BONY FINGER AT KIT. HIS FIRST KU-KLUX 237 company uv ghosts marched off wid Kit to de woods, no man makin er soun but jes de tramp tramp, tramp uv de hosses. "We lost no time gittin out uv dat church, some even gwine through de roof es dey wus already up in de rafters. "De nex day we found Kit s body swingin to er lim in de woods an pinned on hit wus dat strange sign, K. K. K. which we afterwu ds larn d meant KLU-KLUX KLAN. "An* dat settled de meetin s an* de meanness in dat settlement fur good." UNCLE WASH AT THE FAIR THE county fairs have been in full blast in Tenn essee this fall, but I did not know that Uncle Wash had been off trying to run one until he ambled into my study the other night, the hungriest-looking, most woe-begone darky in Tennessee. He had rheumatism in his back, mesmerism in his head and a have-you-got- any-cold-victuals kind of a look spread over his countenance. I thought he had been through the famine in India and had floated home on the gang plank of a wrecked vessel. "Look erheah, boss," he said, as soon as he had stuck his head in the doorway, as if trying to distract attention from his own looks, " I jes cum over to ax you is de gol -bug de microbe uv de yaller fever/ "Why, no/ I said. "It s a different disease altogether. " "Wai, jes tell me, den," he said emphatically, "when dat wave uv prosperity gwine ter git out n de three-minnit class, enyway jes tell me!" As this was too much for me, I had to take the old man s sarcasm and say nothing. "I tell you, sah," he went on, "when er man starts out on er campain on de circus whar I b en, wid er stable uv hosses, he better take is dinner an is possum dorg erlong wid im, or he ll go hongry sho!" I looked at the old man in astonishment. When I had seen him last, he was fat and hearty. "Where have you been?" I asked, "that you should (238) UNCLE WASH AT THE FAIR 239 bob up in this well-fed neighborhood looking like an old horse led off to the shambles?" "Hit all cum erbout dis way," said the old man shamefacedly. "You see, I dun b en out on er cam- pian. De cullud fo ks gin er fair down in Giles County an* I thort I d go down, take my ol pie-ball pacer an rake in all de filthy luker floatin erroun dar. You see," he said proudly, "my ol hoss hoi er worP record he am an only. "How so?" I asked in feigned surprise. " He am de only hoss in de worF dat has er record uv 2:29, er curb, two spavins an er glass eye! Dar am er hoss in Ingyanner dat hav er record uv 2:29, er curb, one spavin an er glass eye, but he ain t in it wid my ol Pie Ball. Yas, sah, dat s de wurl s record he hoi s. An so, ez I wus sayin l I thort I d jes go down an rake in dat filthy luker wid im. I didn t have no harness, but I happen ter think erbout de little red-an - white steer dat died so handy-lak las winter jes in time fer me ter feed all de preachers dat filled my house endurin de deestrick conferdence, " the old man winked, "an I made er mighty good set uv harness outen his hide. You see, I didn t have time ter git de ha r offen it, an when my ol blue pie-ball pacer got ter pacin fas down dar erroun dat track, I tell you, sah, hit wus de pooties sight you ever seed he made er red-white-an -blue streak cl ar roun dat track, an de niggers all hoorayed an say he look lak de speerit uv Star P inter wrap d in de flag uv our country, an gwine in 1 159!! I s patentid dat idee in harness, an I s gwine ter use it nex yeah furspeckicle effecV 240 "UNCLE WASH" I looked interested, and the old man came in and sat down in his usual chair, near the door. "Wai, but whar to git de sulky wus de naix question. Arter thinkin over it I des remembered dat Brer Moses Armstrong had married de widder Johnson s buxomes gal las fall an he had bin er-haulin truck ter town in er ole high-wheel sulky dat Marse Ed Geers use ter train ole Hal P inter wid at de ole track down by de crick. Now, I knowed whut Brer Moses would soon need wuss n enything in dis worl , an so I swop im dat ole ellum cradle dat me an Dinah done raise all de chillun in, fer dat sulky. An when I hitch ol Pie Ball up, sah, he ack dat proud an sassy I felt mighty nigh es good es er buxum widder angel in er paradise uv bal -haided men. I knowed all de excheckers uv dat Giles County fair wus jes es good es reposited in de cash drawer uv my britches pocket an I jes lit out fer Giles County wid great expectashuns in de sulky an ol Pie Ball in de shaf s. "But when I got down dar, sah, whut you reckin dem niggers dun dar? Dar wus er mighty crowd uv em at de fair groun s, an de fus thing I seed wus dis paper stuck up all over de groun s, an on de trees an fences, " and the old man pulled out an old-time poster headed with a darky leading an ass, whose ears were longer than his legs. I looked and it read; CULLURD FO KS ERTENSHUN! Gran* picknick an free-fur-all race at der race track nex Sat dy. Ladies an gents, widders an yaller gals, specially invited to percipertate, but babies an UNCLE WASH AT THE FAIR 241 Meferdis preechers barred. De followin fam us drivers wid deir bosses will be dar: Free-fur-all race. Purse, Br er Shadrack Lewis s Coon Dorg. Pie Ball B. R. G. G. N. H. H Br er Washington. Limber Jim B. M. K. P. L. D Br er Simon Suggs. Kuntry Sawsage G. J. N. S. U. D. B Br er Lay Low. Admisshun loc; but eny gent escortin er yaller legged chicken er gal kin cum in free. DE CUMMITTY. "That s plain enough," I laughed, as I handed him back the poster, " but all these letters after the entries what do they mean?" "Oh, dat s patentid," said the old man, "dat s plain ernough dat s plain ernough. Dem letters am new things on de track an am dead good tips to de crowd. Don t you know whut Pie Ball, B. R. G. G. N. H. H. means? " he asked. " Why it means, Pie Ball, Blue Roan Gelding, Got No Holes in Him!" "Ah, I see now," I said, "and the other is Limber Jim, bay mare " "No, suh," cried the old man, "you wrong ergin. De naix one means, Limber Jim, Bay Mule, Kin Pace Lak De Devil/ an de las one am Kuntry Sawsage, Gray Jinny, Not Skeered uv De Ban ! An dat s whut made me mad," went on the old man; " I spected ter meet bosses, not mules and jinnies an I raised er 16 242 "UNCLE WASH" mighty kick. I driv up ter er nigger settin sidewize in de saddle on er ole gray mule in front uv de j edge s stan . Sez I sorter mad-lak: Mister, whar am de seckerterry uv dis associashun, an whar am his headquarters? " He drawed hisse f up an say, sorter bitter-lak: Ef you contemplates formulatin eny interro- gashuns consarnin de regulashuns uv dis sociashun. suh, I begs ter circumnavergate eny previ us dis quietude by info min you dat / am de seckerterry, suh, an my haidquartahs am in de saddle, suh ! " I shot er dagger look at im an sez I, quiet-lak: 1 I knowed you wus er damfool, soon ez I seed yer, but I thort you knowed de difT unce twixt yo haid quartahs an yo tailquartahs, sah! An den I lit inter dat nigger an dat associashun ! I tol em I fotch my famous hoss all de way down dar ter race ergin bosses, not mules an jinnies, an fur mutiny, not coon dorgs an chitlin s. But de fools up in de jedges stan an you know it am de easies place in de woiT fur fools ter git inter lowed dat dat wus er pacin race, an dis wus de Ian uv de free an home uv de pacin hoss, an bofe de jinny an de mule would make me think dey sho ly had de right ter compete fer de coon dawg. " But how you spec me, ef I win/ sez I, ter feed my hoss an me wid er coon dorg? I kain t eat im/ sez I. " Dat s all right, Br er Washington/ sedde jedges, but sense de gol -bugs dun cohnered all de munny in de kuntry, we hafter git back ter fus principles, an so UNCLE WASH AT THE FAIR 243 we make coon dorgs en sech things our mejums uv exchange. An I tells you right now dat er coon dorg am good fur ten dollars wuf uv sawsages enny day in dese parts. Why, you am bettah off dan de 2:24 pace/ sez he "dat s payable in chitlin s an tuckey tails. "Wai, I seed I wus in it, an es I wanted er good coon dorg enyway, an de widder Johnson dat I wus kinder seekin arter hed cum out ter see me win, I jes s well make de bes uv hit, so I hook up ol Pie Ball an cum out on de track. An Law bless yo soul, you jes orter seen de plaws we got ! " But hit made me mad when dat blamed ol pacin mule an jinny cum out on de track. Befo dey even gib us de wurd, dat ol mule tuck ter buckin an er- snortin , an she skeered ol Pie Ball so he run inter widder Johnson, dat I wus courtin an hed cum out ter see me in all my glory; hit er square in de stummick stept on her fifth wheel, an punctured her tire least wise dat s whut I heerd em say! De ole lady fainted an dey had ter take her off an blow her up ag in leastwise, dat s whut dey tol me. An she ain t spoke to me sence! Dey had tu k de coon dorg up in de jedges stan to he p jedge de race, I spec ar/ es we cum by in all our glory, dar he set, lookin mighty nachul-lak an happy, an hit tickled him so he barked lak er ol army petard jes es we got op site im, an it skeered ol Pie Ball so he paced clean over de fence, an back ergin an den beat de gang home two links. Oh, I wus sho proud! But when I got back, whut you reckin dem fool jedges say to me? 244 "UNCLE WASH" "Dey say: Br er Washington, we fine you er poun uv terbacker fur layin up dat heat/ Good Heben, genTmen/ sez I, I didn t lay up no heat I won it/ 1 De new rule say you shain t lay up no heat, don t it, suh? sed de jedges. In cose it do, but I didn t lay up no heat; I won it, I tell you/ " Br er Washington, you don t ketch us. When you lay up er dollar you save it, don t you? Yes/ sez I. Wai, you save dat heat an in cose you lay hit up. Whut s layin up er heat but savin it? sez dey. In cose de heat s yo n, but we hafter go by de rules an fine you jes de same. Jes han us out dat poun er terbacker/ dey say, or you don t go possum huntin behin dat dorg. How you spec sociashuns gwineter prosper ef dey don t tax de winner? "I wus bilin mad, an I sed, sorter bitter-lak: GenTmen, I means ter cas no infecshuns on yo feracity, but hadn t you bettah let de coon dorg jedge de res uv dis race? Den I tu ns off smilin , sarcasm- lak. But dey didn t min my talk ertall, but calls fo de naix heat. " Wai, suh, we got off fur de naix heat, but dat dorg- jedge up in de gran stan cu dn t keep is mouf shet ter save is life. Sides dat, he cum er t arin down arter us an chased us up de track lak er yaller cyclone in er barn lof . I se heerd uv drivers chasin stakes befo ," laughed the old man, "but I nurver heerd uv de stake er-chasin de drivers. Hit skeered ol Pie Ball inter UNCLE WASH AT THE FAIR 245 er break, but hit skeered de ol mule an* de jinny into de fas es pace dat I ever seed turn er corner! Befo I knowed it dey wus er-goin down de track lak er pair uv ol rusty lizards down er rail fence, an ef ever I had eny doubt bout dat ol mule an jinny bein in de free-fur-all pacin class, hit soon lef me an no mistake! Befo I knowed hit dey wus er quahter uv er mile erhaid uv me, wid dat coon dorg still er-chasin em an er- barkin an bofe uv em er-pacin lak er team. De ol jinny s ye rs wus laid back lak er jack rabbit s, an de ol e mule s wus laid for ds lak de cow-ketcher uv er steam engine. Her tail p inted to des de Nawth Stah, an his n to des de horizon, an twixt em, es long es de dorg kep in de rear, dey wus er-bustin P inter s record all ter pieces. I reefed an reefed ol Pie Ball, but when he settled we wus so fur behin we cu dn t tell which way ter go, so I jes follered de coon dorg s bark lak I wus out possum huntin an driv on. An somebody hollered out, Does you think dey kin pace now, Br er Washin ton? an I heerd de niggers laf lak dey fall outen de gran stan . "Thinks I ter myse f, sump n gotter be done er me an Pie Ball gwine ter be beat by de oneryes pa r dat ever went roun er track. "Now, when you can t win by speed, you mus try sump n else," said the old man sagely. "De bes gine als,whuther iner race er in erwar, am deones dat s got brains up dey sleev es well es in dey haids, an de man dat kin look on de laws uv common sense an circumsense am jes dat much bettah off dan de one dat do nuffin but shoot de guns he happen ter have. Now 246 "UNCLE WASH" when I wus young I larned ter blow my mouf lak er dinner hawn, an when I seed dey had me beat, I jes slapped my han up ter my jaw an sed, Toot toot tuu uu u u! jes lak er dinner hawn fer all de worl ." Here the old man laughed till he nearly fell out of his chair. "An whut you reckin happen? Why dat blame oT mule thort it wus de dinnah hawn sho nuff, en es he b en allers stopped when dat tooted, he stopped es quick es er pewter bullet when it hits er mud bank, an Br er Simon Sugg div outen dat sulky seat lak er skeered bullfrog huntin fer water. Den de ole mule turn roun an answer dat hawn wid : Kelonk kelank kebee ee e e! jes es nachul es all de woiT. "An de ole jinny," here the old man had another paroxysm of laughter, "she thort she recognized dat voice, hit soun so much lak de mule s daddy, an she stopped so suddin she an de sulky bofe kicked up behin an sent Br er Lay Low huntin fur grass, an befo dey knowed it I paced by de whole gang an lay up ernur r heat ! Sho nuff de fool jedges fine me erg in, but I wus tarmin d ter have dat coon dorg an I paid hit lak er man. " De puss am yo n, Br er Washin ton, said de jedges; git you er good rope an go haul it in. Here the old man sighed audibly and showed every inclination to stop. "Well, I hope it was a good dog," I said sympa thetically. "Marse John, you ain t nurver b en in er race wid er pacin mule, is you? Wai, you ain t posted on de UNCLE WASH AT THE FAIR 247 cussedness uv dat animule. When I went down de stretch ter git my stake, de cussed mule had paced over him an kilt him! My puss sho wus daid! I traded ol Pie Ball off fur er good dinnah en ernuff munny ter git home wid, an when I go out on de gran circus ergin hit ll be ter pace fer de dollars uv our daddies an not fur coon dorgs en chitlin s." And the old man ambled out to put an extra corn pone and some sweet potatoes in the ashes, when he covered up his fire for the night. OLD PUNCH DID you ever notice it, Marse John," said old Wash the other night, "dat dere is allers some ole nigger in ev y town down Souf dat is allers de bigges Ike in it an has been made that way by bein sp iled by white fo ks?" I had noticed it the most striking example being the old man himself; but I only smiled and nodded assent. "Uv course he is allers er Dimmicrat. Dere is jinnerally allers jes erbout one Dimmicrat nigger in er county uv em, an dis is the one de white fo ks make er fool uv by lettin him do eny thing he pleezes, whilst he makes er fool uv dem by doin it. Dat nigger can t do no harm he s er Dimmicrat. Don t keer how sassy an lazy an meddlin an no- count he is, he s er Dimmicrat, he s the one lam that s been redeemed from the flock. It s funny, but they d ruther have the honor of gettin one ole nigger to be er Dimmicrat than to convert er dozen white men. " "An sech er nigger," went on the old man, "is sech jinerally de mos meddlesome an se f-important an conceited cuss that ever got the upper han uv de res uv de race. Standin in wid de white fo ks, he is es sassy as er jay-bird on Friday, sayin an doin what he pleezes. An it s stoundin to me whut they ll stan ofTen him. They ll take things from him dat dey d kill er common nigger fur. He butts into all de white fo ks talk jes lak he wus one of em, gits big wages fur (248) OLD PUNCH 249 hangin round de co rthouse or some sto doin nothin but sweepin up onct er week or so, bringin in er little coal an water when he ain t playin backgammon, co rtin some ole sassy nigger that s allers comin to see him, or meddlin in de affairs uv his betters. An fur all dat the white fo ks dat he s tied onto stan it, thinkin he s de onlies nigger in de wurl till he dies uv plum laziness an beer an whiskey swillin an den dey all bury him wid great pomp, actin es pall bearers deyselves. "No, no, they ain t got no use fur er real, hard- wuckin nigger dat stays at home an tend s to his own bizness. Whut white fo ks really love in de nigger tribe is er big-mouth, greasy-complected, fat- bellied ole nigger that calls em all Marster an Mistis, votes wid em an loafs erroun tellin em nigger yarns an ticklin dey vanity, an makin out he s so humble he couldn t eat ef white fo ks wus lookin on, but in fact bossin em in everthing frum drawin his wages to namin de babies ! "It s funny enyway how de whole wurl will let some fo ks do things it ll crucify others fur. Look whut it let Marse Teddy Roastfelt do de high actin , knee- bangin gaits dat man went ! An hit wus all right ! "Dat wus Teddy! "But you jes let Marse Billy Taft try dat gait an see whar he will Ian . He s got too much sense to try it! An* white fo ks is the same way bout dey wimmins. I s seed meny an meny er one dat led de ban -wagin wid enywhar frum two to er dozen husban s an nobody seem to keer, not even her 250 "UNCLE WASH" husban , an long es she lead de ban -wagin and stayed in high society it wus all right. But let some ole maid be cocht kissin her cat an dar wus er scandal right dar! "Sech er nigger es I ve tole you uv wus ole Punch dat lived at Macon, G orgy. " I went down dar bout twenty years ergo wid Marse Henry on er co rtin trip. Leastwise, Marse Henry went to co rt an es I s nurver been in er town long widout fallin from grace to de charms uv de fair sects, I wus soon payin my tenshuns to er mighty fine lookin widder dat I thort might be swaded to go back wid me to Tennessee. "An I d er done it right erway ef it hadn t been fur dat nigger de whole town called ole Punch. He wus porter in de bigges sto in town an owned de white fo ks in it same as ef they wus his n. Him an me had it red hot fur de widder but it bein his home an him bein er boss-nigger, I soon seed I wus carryin too much weight to run in ole Punch s class wid eny sho fur de widder. " Dey gin er ball fur Marse Henry an me, er kind u v er maskerade ball, and Marse Jimmy Jones that run de sto whar Punch wus boss, he went as er soljer, carryin er big dagger-knife two foot long made out uv wood and gilt paper, but lookin mighty lak de real thing. "Now ole Punch find dat knife de nex day in de sto an* havin nothin to do, es usual, he mused de town de nex day skeerin de life outen country nig gers. Of course de white fo ks all put him up to it by standin round an laffin at him, an Punch wus in OLD PUNCH 251 his glory. He d put dat big wood knife in his belt, make out lak he wus half drunk an walk erround till he seed some skeery lookin country coon. Then all at once Punch would grab him in de collar, draw dat knife dat looked lak it wus er yard long an all steel an* wid awful oaths start in to eat dat coon alive an carve him. De po nigger, taken unawares an* thinkin Punch wus de tumbles man alive, would break into er dead run an nurver look back till he wus safe in de tall timber. "Den de white fo ks ud nearly die laffin an Punch would start erroun lookin fur anurr country nigger. "All long he done dat till he skeered ever nigger out uv town. "Dat night him an me met at de widder s by accerdent an Punch he wus braggin how he d skeered de niggers out uv town. He boasted an bragged so I seed I had no sho fur de widder. She jes thort he wus de bigges nigger dat ever come down de pike. "To-morrer bein Sat day he wus gwinter have mo fun an he axed de widder to come down to de sto whar he had er pair uv silk stockin s fur her, er box uv snuff, two bottles uv peppermint oil an er New Testa ment. Thar she wus to sit on de front seat an see Punch run common niggers out uv town. "I went away feelin mighty bad, fur I knowed I had no chance gainst all dem presents an pusson l bravery. " Es I went into town de nex day I seed er ha f crazy nigger dey called Looney dat jes had sense enuff to fight his weight in wildcats. Him an me got pretty 252 "UNCLE WASH" thick an after I gin him er dram an er half plug uv Tennessee tobacker, he wus my bosum frien for life. "When we got to de town I stopped an tole Looney I wus er little feared to go eny furder. What s up?" sez Looney, ain t been after chickens las night, is you? [ No, sez I, but dar is er turrible bad nigger in town dat s run amuck an he s liable to do us harm. 1 "I seed Looney s little, mean eyes flash an he lowed he wan t feared uv him. No, sez I, neither is I, but I s frum er peaceful state I is, an I d hate to have to hurt enybody on dis visit. Wai , sez Looney, I ain t frum sech er peaceful state an I s gwine inter town! " Wai, ef you is, sez I, I think you d better take dis pistol to defen yo se f, an I give him er ole six- shooter wid er barrel er foot long an I had loaded it wid big loads uv powder but no balls. Now, sez I, jes take dis, it shoots six times. Dat nigger is named Punch an when he tackles you wid his big knife, kill him befo he reaches yo heart an nobody ll ever pester you for it. "Looney sed he d do it, an we went in. "Sho nough Punch wus dar an had already run six niggers out uv town, whilst all de white fo ks, even de town marshal, wus givin him all de rope he wanted, an had quit dey own bizness to watch de fun. "An dar sat de widder on er goods box dippin snuff OLD PUNCH 253 an laffin fit to kill at de mighty deeds uv Punch. It wus plain to see dat whut she laked wus pusson l bravery an wan t Punch er mighty man uv valor, bigger dan de town marshal, who seem to jes let Punch run de town. " I tried to interest her, but she wouldn t look at me. Tennessee niggers had no charm fur her es long as Punch wus de whole show. " By an by heah come Looney loafin erlong an lookin lak er skeered dorg at er public fightin . Soon es Punch seed him he gin de wink all aroun an it wus tipped off all down de line an soon everbody stood in sto doors watchin to see Punch skeer Looney into er fit. Punch sidled long by Looney, eyin him sideways, but Looney, thinkin he wus er sho nuff bad nigger, never tuck his eyes offen Punch. All at once Punch gin er war whoop, drawed dat knife dat looked lak it wus er yard long, grabbed Looney in de collar an sed fiercely: " Whut de devil you gwinter do heah, you chicken- stealin son uv darkness? Run fo I kills you! "But Looney didn t run, an he soon seed whut he wus gwinter do, fur he thort sho Punch meant to kill him an quick es er flash he drawed de ole pistol an bang it went off right in Punch s face. " He p, Marse Jim, fur Gawd s sake I s kilt! I s kilt! yelled Punch, turnin er handspring back ards an startin down de main street hisse f, wid Looney right after him an bofe uv em borin er hole in de air. Bang! went de ole gun again an we seed Punch jump twenty feet. Bang! bang! bang! an down de 254 "UNCLE WASH" street he run yellin fur Marse Jim, de town marshal, to shoot de fool nigger quick ! Kill him, Marse Jim, for Gawd s sake, lie s slot me through an through, wus de las we heard uv Punch es dey went over de hills, Punch er little in de lead. "Punch didn t come back for two weeks, an* befo he did I married de widder." HOW MISS CELESTE SOLVED THE NEGRO PROBLEM IT was a few years after the war. She came from Boston, and her name was Cousin Celeste Mc- Hiram Winthrop. She wore the first pair of nose glasses and the first pair of boots I had ever seen on a woman. She was angular, square of jaw and positive and came South as the representative of a society bent on finding out all there was to be known on the negro question. Incidentally she was a member of The Boston Anthropological Society and was after original sources for future papers. Being our cousin, she boarded in our home and as she would be busy she was given the district school to teach. It was in the Summer vacation, and one month during the absence of all the family at the springs but me, Cousin Celeste took charge of the house-keeping. Hence this story: And a fine woman was Cousin Celeste in her way. But in Tennessee her way was the square peg in the round hole. As teacher of moral philosophy in a large school in Boston, Secretary of the Anthropological Society and Critic for the Saturdays Emerson Club she was a great success. But as mistress on a Southern plantation home! The first jar came from Aunt Dinah, Uncle Wash s redoubtable spouse. Now Aunt Dinah had cooked for my grandmother, and my mother, and had been in our (255) 256 "UNCLE WASH" family just sixty-five years. In the change of things by the war, they never seemed to know they were free, and, save the regular paying of wages under the new order, instead of the gifts and care of the old, no other change was made in their simple life. Cooks they are the only monarchs under heaven that I, a free born American, will bow down to. For them I reserve my stateliest bow, my most servile homage. The place is theirs, and the pantry and the fullness thereof. Their word is my law, and so long as they cook I am their cringing slave. For was it not the great Scotch dyspeptic, Thomas Carlyle, who once remarked that all he was certain of in this life was that he had a stomach? "Your majesty, and how goes it with you this morn ing?" I always ask as I sneak into my breakfast, thankful that it is there. If she deigns me a smile and a gracious reply I am her servant. And if with it the waffles are browned to their right color, the chops are just rare enough, and the eggs boiled just three minutes; aye, then I am her slave. A man in his forgetfulness, may some morning fail to salute the wife of his bosom; in his arrogance and false pride he may even fail to kiss his mother-in-law, but woe unto him if he fail to remember his cook and neglect those little courtesies! And so Cousin Celeste had been with me a month, perhaps when Aunt Dinah came in one morning with: "Look aheah, chile; I specs I s gwinter hafter leave you. " THE NEGRO PROBLEM SOLVED 257 "Now, Aunt Dinah, that s a good joke. What have we done to you now? " "Oh, nuffin , chile nuffin . I likes you all jeses much es I ever did, specially dat are new oman frum Bost- ing. She is sho er daisy, or, I shu d have sed, er bunch uv mighty sweet ole dried-up sage blossoms, an* me an her cu d git erlong furever. No, I hates pow ful ter leave you all, chile, arter all dese years, an I done nus you an yo blessed mother befo you, but I jes heurn now frum my darter down in Giles County, an de little gran chile dat was so peurt is kinder got de limber legs, an I specs I hafter go down dar an see ter it." I looked at Aunt Dinah. I knew that peculiarity of negroes, that, however just their cause for leaving may be, they never tell you the real one when they wish to go. Besides, her extravagant praise of Cousin Celeste told me at once what was the matter. "Now, Aunt Dinah, you know that grandchild is all right. The limber legs never was known to kill children. Tell me what is the matter?" "Lor bless me, chile, dey ain t nuffin de matter wid me. It mighty nigh breaks my heart to leave you, chile!" "Aunt Dinah," I said, looking her very closely in the eyes, "what has Cousin Celeste been doing to you?" "G wifTum heah, chile! Huccum you guess dat so quick? I believe white folks kin jes see through er nigger soon es dey look at em." She shook all over with cunning laughter. Then, seriously: 17 258 "UNCLE WASH" "Chile, I bin wid you all long fo you was bohn, ain t I?" I nodded. "Wai, jes tell me, did you er eny body else ever know me ter take de rappin uv yo finger?" "Aunt Dinah," I said, impressively, and with my most becoming bow, " I would trust you with the key to the pantry of paradise. I d turn the very store room of heaven over to you, knowing full well that, while you managed it, not a celestial sandwich, not a cherub doughnut would be missing." "Thang Gawd fur dat! I knowed you would, chile. Glory halleluja fur dat! Hit s jes laik you, bohn er gem man an can t he p yo se f. And so wud de angel Gabriel, yessah, de angel Gabriel, dat bosses de gates uv heaben he d say de same he d trust me, too! An arter he d knowed old Dinah an e t er few uv my batter cakes an waffles wid honey, he d cum by de kitchen uv heaben ever mornin an say: Heah, Dinah, bless yo ole soul, jes take de pantry keys an git out wbutever you wants, an don t be scrup l us bout it dey s nuff fer us all. Don t you give us no baked beans an cold, clammy bread an codfisb balls. Dat s de bill uv fare dey bave in Bosting, an an down dar, sez he, er pintin wid his finger down below, but give us Tennessee rare roast beef, an Southdown lambs fed on blue grass in de apple orcb d, an bot cobn pones, an beat biskit, an fried chicken wid fritter cakes, an flap jacks wid Louisiana syrup, an North Carolina chicken pie! Feed de angels, Dinah, fur de craps nurver fails in dis land uv light. "Dat s whut Gabriel hisse f d say." THE NEGRO PROBLEM SOLVED 259 I nodded approvingly. "Wai, now, chile, ef de angel Gabriel hisse f d say dat de verry boss man uv heaben hisse f" here she paused, drew herself up two inches and shook from side to side for emphasis "does you reckin I se gwinter stan dat ar oman nosin erroun dat pantry, an allers axin me whut I git out dis fur, an whut I git out dat fur? Nosin an nosin erroun , an eyein whut I puts in my batter cakes, an er measurin out de flour listen, chile, whut I s tellin you, but fo Gawd hits true es I cross my heart ! er m-e-a-s-u-r-i-n out de flour lak de wan t ernudder wheat crop in de wurl , an er w-a-i-g-h-i-n de rice, an allers a d-o-l-i-n an er d-o-l-i-n out de lard, lak hit wus de alabaster box uv de ile uv de las bucksheer on de top side uv yearth ! Tell me, chile, long as I bin wid you all, did you urver know me ter take de rappin uv yo finger? An* now, in my ole age, to have dat ar oman heah an flectin on my keracter lak dat, castin spurgeons on my robe dat has bin spotless an puore all dese years Here Aunt Dinah broke down, sat in the corner of a chair and wiped away tears with her cook apron. I shook my head sympathetically. "That s too bad, Aunt Dinah, too bad. But I don t think she meant it that way." "Now ole mistis, she d say ter me, " Heah s de keys, Dinah ; git breakfus , an heah s de keys, Dinah; git dinner, an heah s de keys, Dinah; git supper; an I d git em, an dat dbeall, an nobody didn t think I wus gwinter steal eny thing! 260 "UNCLE WASH" "But dat ain t de wust uv it, Eber since she "bin heah she bin er-callin me Mrs. Grundy listen chile, wbut I s tellin you; fo Gawd, bit s true! er-callin me Mrs. Grundy! At fust I thort she wus doin hit fur fun, an I d laf an say: Mistis, white fo ks don t call culler d fo ks by dey las name in dis country tain t spec ful. But you think she didn t jes keep on a Mrs. Grundy an a Mrs. Grundyin me, twell one evenin when she had her supper by hitse f, an I fotch in her tea, an she say: Mrs. Grundy, won t you sot down an have er cup uv tea wid me? Listen chile, whut I s tellin you; fo Gawd, its true! I lak ter fell down on dat flo . I cum mighty nigh, ra t den an dar, tellin dat oman whut I thort uv her. How she spect me ter have eny spec fur her when she ain t got no spec fur me? Ef it hadn t bin fur leabin you, chile, heah by yo se f leavin you to eat de col , clammy, an paralyzed stuff she d make fur you, er cross betwixt cold bread, baked beans an de spawn uv codfish, an all beat up wid dis heah Emersun Club she s allers tellin bout (dough fur my part I d nurver give my red-ellum biskit-pin fur allde Emersun clubs) I d jes er-quit ra t dar ! Eny white oman dat d do dat can t spec no culler d oman ter stay wid her, dat s all !" "That was very thoughtless, Aunt Dinah, but I am sure she didn t mean anything by it. She has been raised so differently from us," I said "Wai, den, I s sorry fur her raisin, den, dat s all! An I ain t spons bul fur it, nuther! Don t de good Book hitse f say: When sinners entice thee, con sent thou not; an void the pearance uv evil. THE NEGRO PROBLEM SOLVED 261 It was some time before Aunt Dinah spoke again, so great was her indignation. Then she blazed out: "Listen, chile; now lis en whut I s gwine tell you. Jes lis en yo se f, an tell me ef you d stan hit. Whut you reckin she s doin all de time when me an you ain t lookin at er? Writin me an my ole man down in er book lise n, chile; fo Gawd, it s true! puttin us down in black an white fur ter take us back up to Bosting an scannerlize our repertashun wid, an er- makin us say demos outlandish things, an er-talkin lak we nurver talked in all our life. Usin us ter solve sum problem, she call it, an er-writin us down in black an white ter be de lafifin stock uv de res uv de wurl . Chile, lis en ter me your own se f now, wid yo own years, an tell me ef you d stan hit?" She was so indignant she could proceed no further. "That s bad very bad, Aunt Dinah. I ll see that that is stopped." This pleased her immensely, and she broke out into a laugh as she said: "Chile, de cu us questions she kin ax he, he, he! nuff ter mek er owl laff at his gran- daddy s fun ral. She ll set erroun so quiet lak , you don t think she s loaded an not gwine go off so onexpectedly. She ll jes be settin dar, so quiet lak , den all at onct, bang! Off she goes, an fires sum paralizin quest un ra t inter yo fifth rib. I tell you, chile, whenever dis writin fever gits holt uv erole maid, dey ain t no doctor livin kin tell whar de dognosis uv her condishun gwine end dey aint! She s liabul ter do mos eny thing she sho is!" Aunt Dinah laughed again. "T other day she wus 262 "UNCLE WASH" joggin erlong, knittin , tirely reconciled an gwine long easy an smooth lak , not seein er thing ter shy at, wid her pencil an paper handy, dough, an all dat, when all at onct she shied clear outen de road wid: " Mrs. Grundy, lemme ax you er question : Huccum puddle ducks allers so quiet twell dey happen ter git togedder, den dey jabber an go on so? " Mistis, sez I. I don t know, but hit s zactly de same way wid wimmen fo ks. Ah, dat am a cu us zemblance, she sez, Ah, so hit am; an I ll make it de princerpullest p int in my chapter on "De Kinship in Anermal Life." An she sot hit right down den an dar under de head uv puddle ducks an wimmen fo ks. "Den she allers axin me sum question which she thinks is calkerlated ter solve dat nigger problem she s allers talkin bout. She don t know I am onto it, but I is. Sez she: " Mrs. Grundy, does you feel eny difT runt now sence you free den you useter feel es er slave? " Bout de same, thank you, mistis, sez I ; bout de same. But I notice sence I s free I s got ter be mighty keerful how I eats col cabbage fur supper hit gives me er pow ful miz ry if I ain t tickler, fur I ain t so young es I useter be. "She laf an say: Oh, you don t understan me. I wus fererrin to dat interlecshul an soulful feelin . Does de free life give you eny stronger longin fur immortality, an desire to go upward an onward; eny secret flutterin uv de soul erroun de innermos chambers uv de heart, eny THE NEGRO PROLEM SOLVED 263 1 Not les I eats dem col cabbages I wus tellin you bout, mistis, sez I. Den I seems to have all dem symtems at onct, speshly de flutterin/ Here Aunt Dinah laughed until I thought she would never begin again." "But she axed de ole man de funnies question de nex day. He cum in frum de dairy wid de milk, an she wus out dar er-joggin erlong down de road jes es natchu l es life, an not er-shyin at er thing, es I wus saying, when all at onct dat writin fever tuk er an she grabbed her pencil, shied cl ar outen de road, and sed: Mister Washington, I s allers wanted to ax sum- body er question, but I s nurver hed de chance. Would you objec to my axin you? "De ole man he pull off his hat an he bow ve y low, an he say: Sart n y not, mistis; sart n y not. But ef you ll let de ole man be so bold, I hopes you won t put no mo filler-gree work to my name. Deed I does. I can t stan hit, mistis; hit makes me feel lak I done stole sumpin . Tillergree work to yo name! and she laf. Why, whut er funny ole culler d gemmen you is ! You ll mek erfmecheracter fur er paper I mwrittin on "De Nigger Question in de Souf. " " Dat lak ter skeered de ole man ter deaf. He drapt his milk-pa 1 an his eyes bulged out, an he sez : Mistis, fur Gawd s sake don t do dat ! Whut is I urver done ter you dat mek you wanter treat me dat er way? " Why nuffin , sez she, I thort you d be proud uv it, 264 "UNCLE WASH" " Fur goodness sake, mistis, you ll break my heart. So menny fo ks hes come down here an writ us up, er-makin us talk lak heathen, an er-chasin us wid kodacs, an er makin us do er whol lot er things we nurver dreamed uv, dat now when I sees er oman er cummin down de road with er pencil in her han an one uv dese heah fur-away, gwinter-write-you-up- enyway kinder looks in her eyes, Fs ready ter dim er barb-wire fence an go through er bull lot, wid de bull arter me, to gin her all de pike she wants. Now, I s gittin ole an feeble, mistis, an I can t go through bull lots lak I useter, so take pity on de ole man an* don t do dat ! " De oman she look lak she didn t know zactly whut ter say, but she sez: " An why don t you want me to call you Mister Washington? " Lor , mistis/ sez de ole man, dat s wussern de writin up bizness, an hit cum erbout dis way: Arter de wah, I hearn so much bout de high spec dey hilt de nigger in up in Hosting, an bout dat literary atmosphere dat wus so congeenual ter fo ks dat had bin raised in it, lak me, I cided ter go up dar an begin life all over mong dem fo ks. I d saved er thousan dollars ole marster d gin me, an when I got up dar I wus de bigges man dar. Ever whar I go it wus Mister Washington. Den dey got to callin me Jedge Washington, an den Kunnel Washington, an den I hope I may die ef I didn t soon git ter be Gineral Washington, twell I begin ter think myse f I wus de father uv our kuntry done up in ebony. Cou se dey ax THE NEGRO PROLEM SOLVED 265 me ter eat wid em. Fust I cu dn t half eat, settin at de table wid white fo ks, an* I lakter starve ter def. But dey kep on tellin me we wus all equal now, an* one jes es good es t other an so I mistered an j edged em an Jineraled em back an lit in. Den dey want me to lectur , an lectur, I mus . Wai, I didn t wanter do hit, but I had ter do hit, so I went dar an tole em de truf dat ole master wus de bes frien I ever had; dat slavery wus de greates blessin dat ever happen fur de nigger, fetchin im out uv darkness inter light; dat fur as I cou d see hit wus all er big fambly wid us, but now, sence by de will uv Gawd hit hed all bin changed hit wus all right, cept we wus po an ign ant, an didn t kno whut ter do, an* couldn t cope wid white fo ks; dat whut we wanted wus ejucashun an er chance to make er livin an notde ballot, ca se wid it we d make enemies mong de fo ks we lived wid, an git lynched an shot an have race wars whar de las condishun uv us d be worse dan de fust. I tole dem de truf, an hit hes cum to pass jes es I sed it would. " Wai, my money gin out arter er while, an den I thort I d go to work. But, whilst I wus still Mister Washington, I couldn t git nuffin ter do. I d tuk keer uv hosses all my life, so I thort I d try de big stables, but de man he sez: Ts sorry, Mister Washington, but ef I d hire you heah, ever white man I s got d quit. " Den I seed em buildin er brick house. Now, I wus er good mason, cause ole marster he d to rt us all er trade. I wus Mister Washington ergin, but it wus de 266 "UNCLE WASH" same. De boss say ever man dar d lay down his trowel ef I went to work/ " Den I cided dat literary air wus gittin too cold fur me, an I d better git back home, ef I had to beg my way erfoot. So I started out, but I hadn t gone fur down de street befo I seed er quiet-lookin , go-easy sort uver man, wid er soft felt hat on, an er kindly smile, lookin lak he wan t in no tickler hurry an wan t tryin ter git rich nor solve no problem, an I stopped an pulled off my hat an sez: Good-mornin , mars- ter. He looked at me wid er funny sort uver smile an sez: " You damned die fool, whut you doiri up beab . Lor , marster" sez I, "lemme hug you! You do talk so nachu l! Den I tole him all, how I d cum frum Tennessee, an had waited on Marse Felix Grundy, an bin raised wid de bes in de Ian , an wus now beggin my way back ca se I couldn t get no work ter do. Wai, sah, he cussed me out ergin fur being sech er fool, an I hugged im ergin I couldn t he p it, hit come so nachu l an he tuk me an gin me er drink, an sed he d cum frum Tennessee hisse f, an he tuk me to er resterrant an gin me er square meal, an den he gin me money ernuff ter git home on, an sed: Take dis an go go to de Ian whar de sun shines an de birds sing; whar de sperrit uv de race boss, lak dey whiskey, gits better es it gits older; whar dey ain t no art, no liter- cbure an no lies; whar dey kno er nigger ain t er white man an nurver can be. Dey am good fo ks up beab/ THE NEGRO PROBLEM SOLVED 267 se% "be, an maybe dey don t know it, but deyluvede nigger in theory an crucifies im in fact. " So I lit, mistis, an ain t nurver bin ambish us fur no handle to my name sence. Here Aunt Dinah was quiet for awhile, and then she said: "Chile, I hates ter leave you, but you see yo se f I s bleeged ter go. But she tuk all dat down, an when she finishes it, er-mixin me an de ole man up wid puddle ducks an nigger problems an all dat, don t you kno we can t stan it?" That night I explained the situation to Cousin Celeste. "Now Cousin Celeste," I said, "just give her the keys and let her alone. " "But she ll break you," said Cousin Celeste, "She s the most wasteful and extravagant thing. " "Yes," I replied, "but she has been with us sixty- five years, and she can make just that many kinds of batter cakes, and pies innumerable, and her cakes are immaculate, and her broils and roasts are fit for a king s table. Only let us be fed right, Cousin Celeste, and we can stand all the ills of life. " It was sometime before Cousin Celeste spoke. Then she said, dryly: "I think I have already solved the negro problem in the South. " "How so?" I asked. "Once you owned the negroes now they own you." And she snapped of? to her room to finish a thesis for the Emerson Club, HOW JENNY McGREW CAME TO HER OWN THE field which the old man had been plowing did not look unlike an hundred others of Middle Tennessee. There ran the shallow creek beyond it, following the lime blufT of the hills, which, in the distance, died away in a scroll of purple against the sky line. Nearer, they were emerald with the deep green of the apple orchard, or shimmered, showing flakes of that restful straw-green which the June wind always makes when it moves through heads of ripening wheat. By the clock it was nearly half to noon; but already he rested, he and the lazy, gray, fat mule hitched to a small old fashioned bull-tongue plough. There could be no mistake in their attitude: the old darkey sitting on the soft grass, propped up between the plow-handles and fanning with a battered and drooped- brimmed wool hat, the old mule browsing amid the thick fringe of bordering blue grass it meant rest, prolonged and complete rest. "I am afraid you are a quitter, Uncle Wash," I smiled as I came up. There was a deprecatory wave of his hand : "Dat bumblebee cohn sho makes me tired, Marse John. No suh, I ain t never gwinter plant a nurr crap uv cohn on no mo battle fiel s. I knowed befo I planted it dat Hood an dem Yankees done fit all over dis ole fiel an I was pow ful anx s to rent dis (268) JENNY McGREW CAME TO HER OWN 269 piece frum ole Miss fur dat reezun. I tho rt too much blood had bin spilt dar fur it ever to be droughty. I tol her de bre f done went outen too menny men dar fur de Ian* ever to gro any-thing but moanin weeds an* thistles, an I cud keep dem down. An den I d heurd dat de grass wouldn t gro on no spot whar er daid man had laid, an thinks I to myse f */ dat s so dar won t no grass dar at all on dis fielj fur dar is bin er daid man layin on ever foot uv hit, fur I seed em dar myse f de day after de battle. "Wai, bless yo soul, hit looks lak dat de grass is all dat s gwinter gro heah, it sho do! " I c lar to goodness, I don t see whut in de worl ole Miss ever let dem men fight on her place fur. Dey jis nachully played ruinashun wid hit. "I done all I cu d to make dat crap uv cohn I know d, to begin wid, dat no cohn crap ud gro if de cobs uv de seed-cohn wa nt buried an kept moist all summer. So I buried de cobs uv de seed-cohn myse f an kept de groun moist ever day. I done all I cu d to make dis crap all but plow an hoe it, an hit ortenter needed dat, bein as how it s been kivered wid de daid. " Taint no good ! Hit s dat dried blood an* all dem singein red hot ghostes meanderin roun here ever* night an scorchin up things. "Wai, lemme see. I wus jis historin bout dis ole fiel hit s so full uv history. Befo de wah dis bottom wus er level meader, an de white fo ks had all day fairs heah. An sech times! Gawd, hoss racin an drinkin home made licker outen barrels wid tin dippers 270 "UNCLE WASH" all day an dancin ergwine all night ! You sed sumpin erbout er quitter dat reminds me uv de story I bin historin bout: "Long in de 50 $ de craps wus pow ful an we had er big fair dat fawl an sum fine mile racin an plenty uv quartah racin . " Bout de thurd day uv de fair, arter de hosses bin matched so often dat ever body know d whut deycu d do, hit gun to drag er little. Hit spiled de fun, fur dar wa nt no chances lef . Hoss racin is lak er love-fair , if hit gits too one-sided de fun is gone. Es long es er gal is got you guessin* she s got yo gwine. Es fur de fellah, if he shows his han too soon, he s gwine do all de beggin an most uv de lyin . An dat s whut s de matter wid matrimony now; hit ain t bekase de fo ks is tied up dat makes hit so mutton-noternus; hit s bekase de wife ain t got anurr string to her bow to let her man kno dat dis kin uv injustice ain t sealed fur eternity. "We men fo ks is tumble! We cuts off all er woman s chances by marryin her to wash-tubs an* babies, an den we cuts er bee-line to new pastures, whilst she takes hern out in mo chilluns, cookin , mumps, measles an mem ries." He laughed quietly and chuckled as he leaned back against the plow handles and looked across the distant hills. "But I s giwne to tell you how dat game wus sp iled onct. Marse Richard he married my young mistis, Miss Jinny McGrew, de same dat owns all dis Ian an in marryin her he got all her plantashuns, JENNY McGREW CAME TO HER OWN 271 niggers, bridle-presents, an all uv ole marster s race- bosses dat he d lef her his houn -dorgs an everthing. Got em all, even her belle-days an happy gal-days, jis fur er three-dollar license an six chilluns in ten years. "O dey wus bout es happy es uther fo ks, but I seed de roses fade in her cheek an whilst Marse Richard wus mighty proud uv her an de chilluns, he kept all de funds in his own han s, dolin it out to her jis lak he d allus owned it, an had give her odds in de trade. "Miss Jinny, havin all dem fine chillun to raise, jis had to stop gwine out she had no pretty gowns lak she uster have, an no funds to buy em. But Marse Richard, wal, he sho wus mighty fond uv her an mighty proud uv de chilluns an de way he rushed de gals an de gamblin table wus er sight. " He got so he didn t cum home only ever Sat day night, but he wus sho fond uv his wife an chillun. "Now her daddy, my ole marster, had er race mare by Timoleon named Jinny McGrew, fur his darter, dat had won in her day ever big purse frum New Orleans to Balt mo . He tho t so much uv her, she being named fur his only baby, an never bin beat in her life, dat he didn t give her in his will to young mistis, fur he know d Marse Richard didn t have no sho nufT hoss-sense an ud trade her off fur some yaller dorg if he got ha f er chance. So he gin her to Mister Billy Sparks, his overseer, dat had bin wid him all his life, an no man s fool in enything. "Mister Billy Spark s know d he couldn t gee wid 272 "UNCLE WASH Marse Richard arter ole marster died, an so befo de marriage cum off he moved to anurr farm er little hill farm uv his own an took Jinny McGrew wid him, all unbeknownst to Marse Richard. She wus er han some dark gray three year ole filly den. " I didn t see no mo uv her fur ten years de week uv de big fair. Es I wus tellin you, we d had fine races an Marse Richard s hoss, Trueblood, had beat everthing both at long an short distance, an his owner wus dar havin his own fun, an all his own way done furgot all erbout Miss Jinny an de chilluns he wus so busy cashin in his tickets on Trueblood. At night he wus dancin de Verginny reel wid de gals an braggin on whut er great hoss he had in de stable an whut er fine wife he had at home. "He wus sho mighty s prized when twords de end uv de week up rid Miss Jinny in de fambly kerridge lookin as pretty es when she wus er gal an all de chilluns in dar wid her. " Why, my dear/ sed Marse Richard when he he ped her out, You heah? I s so glad you cum. Hello, boys, he sed to de little fellers, you done cum to see Trueblood win de big race fur father? Bully fur you chips off de ole block! Jis back yo pennies on father s hoss nothin kin beat him/ "Den up spoke little Robert, he wus named fur his grandaddy, my ole marster, an de very spit uv him he wus, an he had hoss sense lak his ole gran - daddy, an he sed, talkin very bold, lak de little man he wus: Father, I can t hones ly bet on yo hoss he looks lak er quitter to me, suh/ JENNY McGREW CAME TO HER OWN 373 "Marse Richard s gentlemen frien s standin by laughed out loud, de little feller sed it so ole-lak an solum, an Marse Richard flushed an sed: Son, when yo re older you ll kno mo ; an don t be sassy befo comp ny er father ll hav to teach you er lesson right heah. " I begs yo pardon, suh, sed little Robert, I meant no disrespec ; but when my money goes up on er hoss I s got a right to spress my pinion, sun! "An hit sounded so lak ole marster dat I nearly died laughin an wanted to hug him myse f. " All right, all right, you re pardoned, son. You ve got nerve lak yo father an yo judgment I hope will be es good when you is older. "An right thar I seed a light, but Marse Richard havin no hoss-sense, he failed to connec . "An I seed it plainer when Miss Jinny smiled an sed nothin . I know d she had somethin nurr up her sleeve. She sho wus ole marster s own chile; an when Marse Richard tole her ergin to make herse f at home she sed ever so sweet : O, thank you dearie, but we got er little lonesum at home an jis cu d nt help runnin over to see Trueblood win. " So glad yo cum, sed Marse Richard so glad! Jis make yo se f at home, you an de chilluns. I s mighty busy. An be sho to play er little on Trueblood, it ll cum in handy dis winter when we want to go to de Gran Op ra at New leans. "Miss Jinny she jes laughed. " By an by, in er lull in de races I seed er hill-billy ride in de fair groun s on er ole marr, nearly white, is 274 "UNCLE WASH" she wus so gray. She looked lak she jes cum outen de pastur fur she had cockle-burrs in her tail an she wus grass-bellied to beat de ban*. She wus follered by er weanlin colt dat had de air uv er king an cum wid his haid up an his tail over his back. "Enybody wid ha f sense cu d er seed he know d whut er brass ban* an* er race-track wus befo he wus bohn. "At fust I didn t see dat de man ridin de gray marr wus Mister Billy Sparks, fur we hadn t seed him fur ten years, an* none uv us know d de gray marr wus Jinny McGrew, fur she d turned white in them years. " I fust caught on when I seed her throw up her haid at de soun uv de ban an de ole ginger flashed in her eyes es she caught sight uv de crowd an de clatter uv runnin hosses, an spite uv Mister Billy Sparks two strong arms, she tuk de bit in her mouth an rushed at de entrunce gate to de track lak er steam engine unthrottled. "Den I know d, spechully when I seed de natchul bohn airs uv dat colt dat acted lak he jes cum into his kingdom er trottin , bold-lak, roun his mammy wid his tail over his back an cockin his eye at de jedges in de jedge s stan . " I jes had to laugh at de sassy ways uv dat colt. "An Mister Billy Sparks, he sot on the ole marr es solum es er country deacon, which everbody tuck im to be, or er nachul bohn-pall-bearer, he wus so dig nified an solum : " Eny place heah, sez he to de gate-keeper, whar er gen l man kin hitch his ole marr whilst she suckles JENNY McGREW CAME TO HER OWN 275 her colt? De ole marr is mighty fond uv her colt an has allus made it er pint to suckle him pretty reg lar. "De gate-keeper laughed an sed: Take her to de hitch yard wid de mules. Dis gate is fur de race hosses to cum in. " Wal/sez Mister Billy, she s nurver run wid mules in her life an she ain t gwinter start dis late in de game. / ain t zactly satisfied when she s outen my sight, an she ain t zactly satisfied when de colt s outen hern, she s mighty fond uvdis colt, an so I ll jes set on her heah fur I cum to see de races. "Den he flung one laig over de ole marr s back an settled in fur er side-way spell to watch de races. De gate-keeper he wanted him to move on, but he sot on de ole marr lak death on er tomb-stone an lowed in his solum way dat he d cum to see de races, an whar he wus wus er fair good place to see em. 7 want to keep my eye on de ole marr/ sez he, she wants to keep her n on de colt an be wants to keep hisn on de race-track, fur he s gwinter be er race- hoss hisse f, an so I ll jes set heah whar it kin all be done at onct. " It looked lak dar wus goin to be er row twixt him an de gate-keeper but Marse Richard cum out uv er big tent nearby, bout dat time, an he d been playin poker an takin de usual habilerments dat went wid it, an* de fust thing he seed wus dat blood-lak colt er trottin erroun wid his tail over his back an er tryin to git over de fence to de race-hosses. "Now Marse Richard had jes ernufT hoss-sense to be struck wid dat tail over dat colt s back an dem 276 "UNCLE WASH" fool airs he wus puttin on, an he stopped an sed to Mister Billy: Say, ole man, but dat s er mighty han som colt. Whut s he by? " He s by Dan Rice/ sez Mister Billy, not takin any ondue notice uv Marse Richard. Tow ful good colt, sez Marse Richard, pitty he had er scrub dam. " De ole man shot his eye down quick an keen. Wai, she may be er scrub but she kin jes clean up arry thing on dis groun fur er half mile, barr-footed an grass-fed es she is. "Marse Richard laughed an looked at de ole marr fur de fus time: " O, sez he, an whut s sle by? " I disremember zactly sed Mister Billy, but I think she wus sired by er ole scrub dey call Timoleon, an ef I cu d git up er little half-mile dash, gentermen, he sed, stroking his beard solum-lak, I d hope to prove she wus worthy uv her breedin . "Marse Richard an de gentermen dey nearly died laughin : An you want to race her, does yo ? sed Marse Richard, er winkin at de uthers. Dat s whut I kinder had in my min as I rid erlong, sed Mister Billy: ef I cu d only sep rate her an de colt she s onduly fond uv dat colt/ he sed eyeing de colt proud hisse f. How fur do you calkilate she cu d run/ asked Marse Richard, winkin erg in at de uthers. " Wai/ sed Mister Billy, er shiftin his laig to dc JENNY McGREW CAME TO HER OWN 277 right side uv de ole marr an settin up straight, I think I can divorce her an dat colt long ernuff fur her to run er half she s onduly fond uv dat colt, gentermen. Yes, barr-footed an all dat, she cu d run er half least-wise I d gamble dat she cu d gentermen. Look heah, ole man, sed Marse Richard, you look lak er good ole country deacon. " I is, sed Mister Billy er strokin pi usly his beard; I is, gentermen ole Zion Church, Hickman County er most onworthy follower uv de prophet Jonah an er good race-hoss now an den. "Marse Richard laughed: Wai, Deacon, sed Marse Richard, I hate to rob yo uv es good er colt as dat, but jes to git up er little excitement, I ll race yo ha f wid Trueblood, an I ll play de hoss ergin de colt. I lak dat colt, he sed, lookin at de rascal er gin dis time makin er mouth at anurr hoss over de fence. " You ll hafter let me hoi de colt at de wire, gentermen de ole marr s onduly fond uv dat colt, an ef he s hilt at de wire she ll do her best to git back home by suckin -time. " O hoi* him at de wire, on de wire, or thro him over de wire, sed Marse Richard, it s er go. But who ll ride yo ole marr you are overweight? " De deacon nodded at er small hill-billy boy standin nigh: He ll ride her my little gran -son he s rid her arter de cows befo . I wouldn t choose er better rider dan he is. Ef his galluses don t break he ll never fall off an he do ride lak hell-fire in er close place. Excuse me gentermen, but when I s on de race track I some times furgits I s er deacon at home. Whut I meant 278 "UNCLE WASH" to say wus dat he do ride lak de devil beatin tan bark! Dat fust remark wus onnecessary an onbecomin uv me excuse me genterm^w. Now I ll rub de ole marr down an git her er good feed uv cohn. When shall I be reddy? " At three/ sed Marse Richard, still laughin . An say, he added, you kin back out now ef you wish Id* hate to rob er deacon uv so good er colt, he sed, sorter bitter-lak. Don t menshun it/ sed de deacon, de colt is already yourn. Now dat you ve pinned me down I ll hafter tell you dat I s been lookin fur some nice genterman to give him er way to fur some time somebody wid hoss-sense dat I know d wu d raise him up in de paths uv rightusness an give him er chance in life, an I couldn t er foun er nicer man to gin him to if I d scraped er blue grass county wid er curry comb. He s yourn. I ll hoi im at de wire wid er halter so you won t hafter run im down when you wins, fur I knows er genterman wid hoss-sense when I sees em/ he sed, lookin hard at Marse Richard. "Marse Richard flushed, but he thanked im he wus so tickled. He never had hoss-sense ernufT to see de ole man wus coltin im an* he wus one uv dem kinds uv fools dat is tickled to be hit wid er comper- ment even ef hit comes wropped erroun er brick-bat. " Thanks/ says Marse Richard, an by-de-way, you ain t gwin ter back out when I wins him? " O sartinly/ sed de ole man, flushin hot fur de fust time, dar s whar you ll hafter watch me. De fact is, I wus bohn backin out. I s er cross tween JENNY McGREW CAME TO HER OWN 279 er craw-fish an er balkin mule; but when I makes er nice genterman er present uv er leetle ole no-count colt early in de mornin I kin generally be pended on not to steal im back outen de pastur befo sunset. "De wager soon spread all over de groun s an everybody wus sorry fur Mister Billy Sparks, all uv em agreein dat ole Zion up in Hickman had sent out er Jonah dat wu d soon go into his eternal home in de belly uv er whale. Dem dat didn t think de ole man wus crazy tho t he wus er simple-minded ole fool dat had never seed er hoss-race an tho t bekase his ole marr cu d beat all de scrubs er quartah in de woods uv Hickman she cu d beat de wurl . " But dat dar little Robert, he laked to kilt me when I heurd im talkin jes lak I heurd his ole gran -daddy an struttin roun chawin rosin an makin lak it wus tobaccer an spittin an sayin to de fellers dat sed Trueblood wu d beat her er quatah in deha f: 0, gen- termen, whut you talkin bout. De boss is er yaller dorg, bell fetcb er stick outen de pond ef you ll thro bit in. Wby y be II bury er bone ej nobody wus lookin. Beat de marr ? He cant run fas ernuff to beat er drum. My money is up on de gray, gentermen an den he d strut erroun in his knee-pants an ever body laughed. "De airs he d put on wus er toss-up twixt dem uv de colt, still struttin roun wid his tail over his back! "When de time come an dey fotch out Trueblood he wus er gran sight in de very pink uv er good fix an looked lak he cu d run fur er kingdom. An dar sot dat little rat uv er boy, settin on de ole gray marr an she snortin an squealin fur her colt one minnit or 28o "UNCLE WASH" prancin fiah-eyed an full uv runnin fury de naixt tryin to break way wuhther or no. "An* de colt Mr. Billy Sparks wus dar, swinging to his halter at de wire an sayin ever now an den: Hurry up, gentermen / can t bol im long, he s so sivigus, an he s bout es fond uv bis mammy es she is uv bim\ "An little Robert, I had to laugh he stood right by im an offered to bet his very britches on de marr. "Marse Richard heurd im an got awful mad. He cum up to de little feller an sed: Son, I s gwin ter teach you er lesson an some hoss-sense right heah. "Little Robert flushed kase he didn t kno his father heurd im bettin his britches. " See dis ten-dollar gol -piece? ses Marse Richard, lookin fierce-lak at little Robert, take it, an ef dat ole grass-bellied marr wins, hit s yourn. Ef she don t listen now, I s gwin ter take yo pants off, an make yo go home in yo shut-tail; that ll humble you an* larn you some sense too! " I really didn t mean it, suh, sed little Robert, bout my britches, but my word is my bond, suh, an* havin sed it, I ll stan by it. I agree to yo condishun, suh, an you ll fin me right heah when de race is over/ " Washington, sed Marse Richard, turnin to me an still so mad his voice trembled, You take de boy s pants off es soon es de race is over an lead im home down de very middle uv de pike. Do you heah." "Yessah" say I, winkin at little Robert. "Dey wus soon lined up at de wire an when de ole marr wheeled into line she stopped her foolishness an JENNY McGREW CAME TO HER OWN 381 I seed dat nervus playin uv her years, de flash uv her ole eyes, de quiverin uv de flanks dat wus ready fur de leap: " Look/ sed er man standin by Marse Richard, don t you see dat ole marr is on to dat game? she knows whut she is doin." "Marse Richard looked worried an at de tap uv de drum never did I see any thing but er gray ghost split de air lak she done ! Flash! an she tuck de pole right under de hoss s nose ! " Great Gawd! sed Marse Richard, his jaw droppin - whut " De gray marr ! de gray marr ! yelled de crowd. " Jes tryiri to git borne to her colt, gentermen! yelled de ole man, holdin on to de halter while er great light gleamed in his eyes. She s onduly fond uv dat colt! "On dey cum, de gray marr s tail, cockled-burred till hit looked lak er rope, flyin out behin, her barr feet fannin de air lak de buzzin paddles uv er double- decker, an* runnin es easy es er swaller bird flies ! "An Trueblood, de starch all outen him runnin er length behin ! "Marse Richard stood foolish an pale: Great Gawd he sed, Whut is de matter wid her whut " Tryin to git home by suckin-time, suh, hiis de colt she s ihinkiri uv! sed Mister Billy. " Stop her! yelled Marse Richard, snappin his watch at de quartah She ll kill herse f she s run dat quartah in twenty-five seconds! " Let er die/ sed Mister Billy, She ll die game, an dats mor n dat dorg she s runnin wid ll ever do! 282 "UNCLE WASH Besides, gentermen, hits mother love wid her she s comin home to her baby/ he sed so dry an carries dat de crowd had to laugh. "Dey cum de naix quartah lak er cyclone, an fifty feet frum de wire, beat, heart-broke an worsted, Trueblood s tail hung limbered an lifeless, while de ole marr cum in runnin lak er queen wid her petty- coats afiah. "As she passed under de wire de ole man, his eyes shinin , turned de colt loose an yelled: Go darn ye, an finish de race. You air es big er fool bout yo mammy es sbe is bout you, an down to de naix quartah de pair raced laker ghost an her shadder, de little hill-billy on her back, laughin lak he wu d fall off an de crowd fairly goin crazy an yellin at sech er sight. "When dey stopped hit wus er motherly whinneyin an er suckin -match right on de track! "An de crowd wal, sech laughin an yellin! Hit took Marse Richard er minnit to git his bre f an anurr minnit to git his tongue: Great Gawd! I can t let you have dat hoss, ole man, sed Marse Richard, lookin pale eroun de gills an mo solum dan I had ever seed im fur twenty yeahs. He s entered in ten futurities in my name. I ll have to pay de money an keep im. Won t you let me do dat? Wal, sed de ole man, seein yo hoss never had time to ketch his bre f frum so sudden er start, an bein an ole fool an er nachul bohn crawfish es I tol you, an havin er heart uv charity fur de misfortunes uv my feller man, I guess I ll jes take de cash instead. To be hones , it don t take very much money to make me JENNY McGREW CAME TO HER OWN 283 think I d ruther have hit in my pocket dan to have him in my stable/ " Thank you/ sed Marse Richard, dat s kind uv you, an shall I jes write you er check fur five hundred? " Wai, I guess he ain t really wuth dat much/ sed de ole man, ever so deacon-lak, but I have allus made it er pint to price my own hoss at whut I tho t de uther feller wu d likely be willin to give. I ve larnt he s entered in twenty thousand dollars uv stakes an I am thinkin you d be willin to pay ten uv em to keep yo standin es er genterman on de turf an not be expelled fur enterin hosses you don t own/ "Marse Richard turned white an den red, but he saw de pint an writ his check fur ten thousand mighty quick, tho hit tuck all he had in bank. Es he handed hit to de ole man he sed: An* now will you be kind enuff to tell me who you air, an whut s dat ole marr s name an jes whut you d call dis kin uv er fool race eny how? To-be-sho, sed de ole man, er lookin careful over dis check to see dat hit wus all right, an payin no ondue notice uv Marse Richard; to-be-sho/ my en titlements is Deacon Billy Sparks, dat onct lived wid Kunnel Robert McGrew; an de marr is Jinny McGrew, dat he gin me befo he died an tol me to take keer uv her lak I wu d my own chile, an to sell her an gin de money to lis n when she got into de pinch dat he know d wus cumin fur her. An seein she s got hit, ef I wus huntin fur er headin fur de story, seein as how hit worked bo f ways, Miss Jinny bein in de gran stan an de colt at de wire, I jes don t think I cu d give hit er 284 "UNCLE WASH" better headin calk lated to spress de idee intended, dan Jinny McGrew er comin to her own ! "An Marse Richard s jaw drapped fur de light dawned on im good. "Straight to de gran stan walks Mister Billy Sparks, hat off, an check in han an up to Miss Jinny he went an gin hit to her: " Hit s yourn, madam, he sed, er bowin low lak he d seed ole marster do. Ts heurn tell dat since my good frien , yo father died, you s been er little short uv cash at times, an in presentin you wid dis check I but carry out my promise to es fine er genterman es ever lived, an es good er frien es ever gin er po man er start in life. "An bowin low ergin he mounted de ole marr an rid out while de crowd cheer d em, an de colt went out wid Us tail still over his back. "An Miss Jinny tuck hit an cashed hit too, fur Marse Richard fur onct had sense enuff to grin an humor de joke dat wus de laugh uv de county. "But when little Robert proached im an sed: Father, ef you please, shall I jes keep dis ten dollar gol piece an take hit home in my britches pocket? He sed, sartinly, boy, very short, an got busy huntin er cock tail to stiddy his nerves an stan de broad-side uv laugh an* fun dat ever body poked at im. "An hit sho changed im, fur er month afterwards I heurd im say to Miss Jinny: Darlin, I fears Ps neglected you uv late. Turn de chilluns over to de nurse an we ll go to New leans nex week an heah Jinny Lind sing! HOW UNCLE WASH RODE IN AN AUTOMOBILE AS soon as I saw him I knew that something had been doing. I knew, too, that it had been done several weeks before, for, like an old breastwork after the battle, there were signs of rents and scars. He still wore some sticking plaster over his left eye, and a small bump was gradually hardening to ripeness behind the burr of his ear. But worst of all I saw his dignity had received a jolt his faith a hard fall. "Vanity uv vanities all are vanities, boss, said de preacher long ago. I s herd it all my life an preach ed on it forty times, but de full signifercashun uv de conternuity uvdat tex jes foun er permerment haber- tashun in de habilerments of He stopped to dodge the paper weight I threw at him. "Cut that out and tell your tale. I heard you went to the Democratic Convention at Nashville," and I looked understandingly at his battered condition. "Oh, yes, I went dar, but I didn t tarry long. I s been thru de war wid ole marster an I kin smell er battle erfar off, de capt ns an de shoutin . I kno rifle pits when I see em an walkin arsenals an de Rebble yell an all de yuther signs dat tells de peace maker dat now is his time to lay low an inhabit de land, so I laid low. "You see, Marse John Fry tuck me to Nashville wid er Cox badge on, gin me er drink at de Tulane Hotel (285) 286 "UNCLE WASH" bar an started me out. But befo I hit de sidewalk sumpin happen . Er red-faced feller from Shelby County cum at me wid er dirk in his teeth an drawin er gun wid bofe his yudder han s. Es nigh es I could make out whut he said, boss, wid his mouf full uv col steel, it was to de effect dat I had on de wrong badge an datef I didn t makeer change certain things ud happen entirely detremental to de equanimerty uv my conster- tushun. " Marster, sez I, erlookin at my badge, plum stounded, fur it didn t take me long to see de proper s lution uv eny problem when de question am put on to me dat p intedly. Marster, sez I, I am er po ole nigger dat can t read, an some frien he decerated me wid de wrong colors. Uv co se, I s fur yo man jes pin yo badge on de yudder side uv my coat. Hurrar for Patterson, sez I, es soon as I fin out whut his man s name wus. "Dat tickle him so he tuck me in an give me er drink. I tell you, boss, it don t take so much grace es it do agreement fur to inherit long life in dis worl and etarnity in de nex . De man dat agrees is de same dat is gethered to his fathers in er ripe ole age, an de nigger dat sputes is de nigger dat is sooner buried! " I went out and pin on me two mo badges one wus Marse Ned Carmack s, de yudder wus Marse Bob Tay lor s, an es I stalked out to de white man s armory at de contention hall, sez I, thank Gawd, I luv de whole wurl ! " But one look at dat arsenal wus enuff. It reminded me uv de ole scalerwag days when we Publicans UNCLE WASH IN AN AUTOMOBILE 287 an niggers useterhol convenshun an I got erdoseuv it den dat lasted. Dar was two faxuns an me an anurr nigger wus on different sides an wanted to control. So me an dat nigger made er run fur to see which cud git de chair fus. I got it on de top uv my head an dat s why I ain t been in no convenshun sense an dis one look too much lak de one I got de chair on de top uv my head. I wus on de way to Hot Springs fur my rumatizn an so out I put, fur es I wus tellin you I think I kno s rifle pits an breastwucks when I sees em. "I s allers contended, boss, dat de wurl owes every man er livin an er good bath. I s had de livin but I s neber had de bath, an I heurd Hot Springs wus de place to git it, so I went, hopin to c wore my rumatizn. "Dey are robbers, boss rooms five dollars er day an upwards an baths extry. I sized up my bill an I soon seed ef I tuck er room in a hotel I d soon have mo room in my stummick den I wanted, so I started out to git er dram, an er room an er free bath all fur nuthin , cept dat nachul instinc which de good Marster gives to all dem dat inherit eternal sense. " I seed er lot uv common folks, but I allers make it er p int when I wants to get sumpin , to go whar it s at. You can t gether figs from thistles, nor ducets from dead ducks, nor do de po white man an de hill billy ever carry much erroun wid em, but er clear conshuns, er tin cup an er belly full uv undue sur- pishuns. " I soon seed de crowd I was er-huntin one uv dese dapper Yankee chaps, loaded wid money, an out 288 "UNCLE WASH for er lark an er good chance to study de nigger ques- tun down South. He s de kin dat sees mo to intrust him in a nigger s fun ral den in a white man s resurrecshun. "An dat feller was sho fixed, boss he had ever - thing he wanted plenty uv money, er bran -new gas wagin, er bulldog, er big lunch basket, his own wife an anurr man s wife! Oh, he wus sho fixed right. "I seed de basket fus an dat cided me I had hit my crowd. Marster, sez I, takin of? my hat an bowin so low I mighty nigh spiled de ant nest I wus standin on, wid de top my head. Marster, kin yer tell whar er ole nigger dat s walked all de way from Tennessee an ain t got no letter uv interducshun, kin git er free bath fur his rumatizn? "De ladies laf an dey all got intrusted at once. " From Tennessee? sez he. Do yo kno er ole cullar d gen man down dar name Uncle Wash, dat we read so much about? Marster, sez I, bowin erg in, I has de honor to inform you dat you am now beholdin dat same gen - man in proprior personee, as ole marster useter say. "It tickled him nearly to deaf. He winked at his own wife an smile at de yudder man s wife, shakes my arm nearly off an lef er ten-dollar bill right spack bang in my han . " I d ruther see you/ he sez /Mister Washin ton, den ole King Solomon hisse f. " An , Marster, sez I, erbowin erg in you ammo beholdin to my sight den de Queen uv Sheba wus to dat are same Sollermun. UNCLE WASH IN AN AUTOMOBILE 289 " Aint he er dandy? he sez, winkin at his own wife an smilin at de tuther one don t he talk nachul? " Thank you, Marster, sez I erg in, but winkin at de bulldog but if you thinks I ta k nachul you jes orter see how nachul I eat/ "Dey likin die laffin at dat, an den dey open up dat lunch, champain an ever thing fur to eat. I wan t gwine eat wid dem white folks I d been raised wid manners but when I seed dem fo ks thort es much uv de bulldog es dey did uv deysels an de man s wife call dey dorg Darlin Dearie an sot him up to dey lunch lak enybody, I knowed I wus good as dey wus. Marster, sez I, dar am two things I s nurver been raised to eat wid white fo ks and dogs, so jes han mine out out to me. " Oh, nonsense, sez de oman; Darlin Dearie eats wid us all de time. You jes orter see de clothes we got fur him when he need em. Come on, Mister Washin ton, dat s er dear. " Mistis, sez I,erbowin low, be keerful how you fling yo intitlements erroun dey lynches niggers in Tennessee fur less n dat. No, Mistis, I ain t er deer, but I s jes er plain ole buck nigger dat s been raised right. But if you all kin stan de dorg you kin stan me/ and wid dat I lit in, fur I wus sho hongry. An all de time I wus eatin I wus tellin em things so funny dat dey cudn t eat fur lafifin . Dat wus part uv my tackticks all but dat dorg he wus er low-lived dorg dat didn t have sense enuff to see de funny p ints I wus makin , but jes keep on eatin . Ef it hadn been fur him I d got all dat lunch, 19 2 9 o "UNCLE WASH" "Arter lunch nuffin would do dat man but we mus all ride in his gas wagin. "Now, boss, dar s one thing I s allers hated er gas wagin. Dey may be all right for white fo ks, but I s allers had my doubt if dey wus es good es er mule for er nigger. Sides dat, my ole gran manny wus er witch oman an when I wus born she se d de signs se d I mus be keerfuf bout gas, dat it meant my death. Fur a long time I thort de ole oman meant I d talk myse f to death, but arter livin to my age an still kickin I gin it up till I seed dis gas wagin. I knowed whut she meant den, ef I ever put my foot in it. "I bucked an begged, but it wan t no use. De man gin me anurr ten dollars an sed to git in, dat he allers wanted to ride wid er celebracy, an now wus de time. When I seen I had to I sed de prayers my mammy tort me an got in. " He put me an de bulldorg in de front seat uv hornor, as he calls it, an de omen tittered an laughin and dey all wus happy but yo Uncle Washin ton. I was so skeered dat I cud raise de ha r on de bulldorg s back by jes lookin at him! De man teched er spring an de thing se d kersook, kersok. " Say, mister, I begged, lemme git out dis hoss is got er bad case uv erperzootic. Hear im coughin? "Dey all laugh. No, no, sez de oman, jes sit still. "Den de thing gin to quiver and twich his taillak he wus fixin to buck. " Lemme bresh dem hoss flies off/ sez I. Ts sho he s fixin ter run away/ UNCLE WASH IN AN AUTOMOBILE 291 "Den de thing went clamp, clamp, clamp, on de bit an quiver an sorter bucked an started out slee- clee-clee-clee-ee. " Bad wind! sez I; you kin heah im blowin er mile. "Wid dat we moved out smoother den melted lead runnin over er red-hot stove lid. " Kerlonk, kerlonk, kerlonk, kerkonk, it sed so close to me I jumped er foot high. " Whut s de matter? sez de man, an all uv em even de bulldorg laughed. " I thort dis wus er hoss, sez I, but I kno dat voice am de voice uv er donkey. Dat sone thing I s never ride let me out/ sez I. "But we soon struck er good road an wus sailin so fas I had to hoi my hat wid one han an my hair wid de yudder, but dat ar bulldog he jes seem to enjoy it. "Jes den I seed er big load uv white fo ks comin down der road to meet us. It wus er picnic uv country fo ks loaded to de gunnels in dat wagin, wid two cock- yeared, skeery, fool mules er pullin . "Honk! Honk! De mules thort it wus Jedgment horn. I guess dey hadn t lived right, an dey started back fur er safe spot. You kno how er mule kin do it be agwine north an de nex thing be gwine south. I seed six different kind uv country, home-made yarn stockings huntin fur different longertudes an later- tudes; den I heard some tall cussin frum de men fo ks dat had been drivin , but wus now gittin de sun outen dey eyes. " Den our driver made one big mistake. He stopped 292 "UNCLE WASH" to pollergize an dey all lit on me. Dey didn t seem to think de bulldorg and de white man had done any thing. It wus all dat nigger ridin in erauter beel an skeerin white fo ks to death. "When I did git de man to pull out, boss, dey had onermented me behin de lef year wid dis slight token uv dey love an esteem. An de nex time you skeer our team, sez they, we will hang you to de fence. Here is erten, sez de man. Ts so sorry fur you. "Sez I, Marster, dat kind uv sorrow will cure any bump I may git. Ef you deal it out dat way hunt fur anurr mule team. I s got er place waitin fur anurr bump in de yudder side uv my head. "Dis got em to laffin erg in. An de way we spin erlong. But we wus gwine too good fur good luck. Er country dorg seen our dorg ersettin up dar so cheer- ful-lak an here he come er tarryin out at our wagin. Now, er country dorg is good at calcalatin de speed uv er mule team wagin but when he tackles er gas wagin he thinks he can snap at de front wheel an keep out de way. I heard er whack an er bowl liker heller-oh- roo-oo-t! An at dorg was soon part uv our underpin in . "De man didn t stop dis time, fur de bulldorg wus bouncin up and down tryin to git out an swaller dat dorg erlive, an when he seed we done de job fur him he got madder an tuck it out on me. He grabbed me in de seat uv de pants. " I turned on him to choke him off, but de man yelled : " Don t do it, don t doit! you ll spile his sperritt! " Good Scotts, Mister, sez I, tryin to jump out, UNCLE WASH IN AN AUTOMOBILE 293 but he s spilin mine, an I whacked dat dorg over de head. "He jes sez ow-wow, an hung on. " Turn loose, you fool! sez I, er tryin to choke him. " Don t, sez de oman, it ain t no use; he s boun to hoi on till it thunders. " Den, for Gawd s Sake, mistis, sez I, lemme git out and pray for rain. " But, Marse John, I wan t born to be e t up by er dorg an set still while he dun it. I jedged by de way he was holdin on to my britches dat he wanted em mighty bad, so I jes shuck em an tumbled out, remarkin to him dat dey wus old an he wus welcome to em. I turned er summerset in my shirt tail clear over de back uv dat gas wagin, hit de groun on my head, bounced up, hit in two yudder spots an struck er blue streak fur de woods. " It was er narrer shave, but dar s good in all things, boss. I had three tens an de run I made de nex four miles wid mighty nigh all Arkinsaw at my heels, think- in I wus er scaped lunertic, cured de rumatizn I d had fur ten years. No, no, boss, gin me er Hal hoss when I locomotes erg in." UNCLE WASH ON THE PANIC PANIC," said de old man to me the other night, "is er invenshun uv de white man to carry out some skeme uv his own. Why, dese here panics, Marse John, is as ol as Ejup . De Good Book tells uv er panic down dar when de lean swine et up de fat swine. Dar wus jes es much money in Pharo s house den es befo it jes went into its hole. Prosper ty is lak er groun hog hit cain t stan to see its shadder hit skeers him. But it don bothah us, Marse John, fur er nigger can stan enything er white man can, an eat er lot mo things dan de white man nurver dreamed uv. Fac is, nobody enjoys er panic lak er nigger or er po white. Hit fetches things down whar we c n reach em. Why, I s been eatin tuhkey reg lar sence de panic, tuhkey an spare ribs an sausages an beefsteaks. All uv em s now down to rock bottom, thank Gawd, an I hopes dey ll stay down. Las year tuhkeys brung twenty cents er poun an po white fo ks cudden look at em. Now de farms uv Middle Tennessee is full of em at any ole price. An hawg meat? Lawd! I se greasy inside an out! "Panics is all right. I enjoys em. De good Mar- ster put more n enough here fur us all, an when some uv you folks try to git it all into one barn or bin, an let de res uv de worl starve, it gits de res uv de worl sorter suspishus, an suspishun am de mother uv panics. Den arter you got all de po fo kses money in (294) UNCLE WASH ON THE PANIC 295 yo banks, you claps de lid on an* sets down on it, sayin : " Have conferdunce, frien s! Have confer dunce! In Gawd we trusts! The old man laughed for a minute. "Dese bankers minds me uv er time, Marse John, when, I loans my bes mule to er preacher nigger named Luke. Luke borrowed him to ride to er deestrick meetin in West Marshall, but he nurver stop dar, but keep on wes ward, as fur as I could Tarn by follerin his trail to de Miss ippi River. I gin up bofe Luke an de mule es lost an nurver heerd nothin uv em fer ten years. Den one day I gits er letter f um Luke down in de Pan Handle an* he say: ; Have conferdunce, brother, I ll be back soon an return de mule I borrered. Have conferdunce! It am er godly virtue! Yo brother in de Lawd, Luke. " I still got de conferdunce an Luke s got de mule! "Wy, Marse John, we don t need much money here. I s knowed one baked possum, dressed wid sweet taters, to wipe out de de ts uv er whole nigger settlement betwix em. De fust nigger dat cotch it, an dressed it an cooked it don t have no trouble er- passin it to de nex in lickerdashun uv his debt dat wus dead easy speshully as ever nigger wus hongry an wanted it; an when it got to me I et it, an ever body wus happy, all dey debts wus paid, an dah wus plenty mo possum in de woods. When dey seed how slick it wuck we cided f um dat day in dat settlement we d use baked possum es er mejum uv#-change an nobody nuver b en hongry sence. Whut things we 296 "UNCLE WASH" raise we trades fur baked possums an keeps gwine. Hit s er whole lot better n dese here packin house certi- ferkits dat dese here white fo ks conferdunce banks puts out. "I went down to de bank de yudder day an took one uv dem packin house scrips erlong, an begged Marse Joe to gin me some sho nuff money; but he tells me dat I didn t know whut I wus talkin bout, dat my packin house certiferkits wus er long ways better n money. Ever dollar uv em, sez he, is wuth er dollar an* er ha f, de money bein dar in de bank fer to show it/ " Why, look/ sez he, it s better n money, I tell you, kase ever one uv ern represents er dollar an er ha f/ " I tell you, Marse Joe/ sez I, they sho is valuable But ef ever dollar uv em is wuth er dollar an er ha f as you say, hit seem to me mighty keerless uv you not to keep em in de bank, an let out dat ole no-count money! " Wai/ sez he, dis thing jes had to come. But it ll prove to be er blessin in disgize fur it ll make Congress do somethin / " Yes, Marse Joe/ I sez, er scratchin my head; but it pears lak you is settin on de blessin ! " Now heah, Wash/ said Marse Joe, I see you don t understan dis, an I want all my bank cus tomers, black an white, to see jes how it is. Now heah, it s dis way: Dese stificates is better n money. You comes heah with yo check fur five dollars. I gives you two dollars in money, and three dollar in UNCLE WASH ON THE PANIC 297 stificates which is worth mo dan de money. Now see? " Yes, Marse Joe/ sez I, I see it dis erway: I goes to feed my ole hoss to-night. He s had nothin to eat all day. I gives him two nubbins uv cohn an then I hangs up in his hayrack erb utiful chromo picture called Bringin in de Sheaves fur him to look at. Dat orter satisfy eny hoss/ sez I, orten it? "But Marse Joe didn t see de p int." The old man thought a while, laughing gently. " Dat minds me uv Br er Pete. Why, Marse John, er baked possum is not only de bes mejum uv exchange in de wurl , but I s knowed one uv em to raise de dead! You think I s jokin but I ain t, es I kin prove by ever niggah in our settlement dat seed me raise dat dead nigger. "Endurin de wust uv de panic uv sebenty-three, Br er Pete, er contrairy nigger dat wus allers hongry, an allers dun jes whut nobody else ud do, fused to jine wid us in our possum ^change skeme, bein too lazy to hunt possum an too contrairy to wuk in harness, an havin nothin to eat, he kep er-gittin weaker an weaker twell he jes nachally died. "I knowed how hongry he wus befo he died, so stidder buryin him de fus day lak his widder wanted us to do (fur she knowed Pete wus difT unt, an she d b en feedin him er long time, she said, an she didn wanter take no risks), I suaded em to let me try my han on Pete. Wai, we laid him out an de niggers come fur miles to set up wid de cawpse. Ef dar is enything er nigger laks to do, hit is to set up wid er 298 "UNCLE WASH" cawpse an* go to er fun ral. Why, I s knowed meny an* meny er niggah to die jes to see how big er fun ral he could have ! An so dey wus all dar fur to set up wid Pete. Niggers dat hadn t spoke to Pete fur ten years, niggers dat had beat him in chicken an dog trades, niggers dat had hoodooed an stole his fence rails, nig gers dat wanted his wife, niggers dat had lied erbout him in de chu ch, all wus dar, so sorry an yet so sati fied. "You couldn see Pete fur de gloom in dat room, he bein nachelly black. Now, fo I went over, I had er nice young possum baked sweet an brown in de middle uv steamin hot yaller yam taters. Over all dis I had poured fresh butter gravy mixed wid er little barbycue sauce uv vinegar an pepper an big, white inguns. Dis poured over hot, raised er insense dat made mighty nigh ever nigger dar drop dead wid Pete. " Now, brethern an sistren/ sez I, es I fetched de possum in in er big, ole-fashion stew pan, er-steamin an er-splutt rin an de possum fat sizzlin , an de taters sorter coughin , Ts allus know d dat de hair uv de dawg wus good fur de bite. Br er Pete, as you- all know, died uv er panic an privashun, also uv bein too hongry an headstrong, er lesson fur ever nigger heah, dat in time uv panic we d bettah all pull togethah, hit bein no time fer speriments wid yo stummicks. Knowin how hongry he wus when he died an whilst he lived, I s er-gwine to see ef I kain t fetch him to life erg in wid de same medicine, fur I don t b leebe eny uv Pete s orgins is out uv j int, speshully his eatin orgins, es his sorrowin widder will testify when UNCLE WASH ON THE PANIC 299 Pete wus in his usual health an* appytite. An* whilst you-all sing dat good ole hymn : De fat uv my possesshuns rise Up in de nostrils uv de skies/ " Ts er-gwine to try er little speriment on Pete dat ll raise him frum de daid ef enything dis side uv GabriTs hawn kin do it. Jes all stan erside f um erroun de bed an* gin me air an elbow room/ " I raised de winder so de air ud blow ercrost him. Dar he laid, dead as er Publican canderdate in Texas an colder n de bunions on Marse Fairbankses toes. I felt uv im an I knows. It was er fall night an only middlin cool, but Lawd, Marse John, when I touched him, he wus so daid an cold he turned de hair oil I put on my haid inter taller! " I lamed den dat er nigger dyin uv honger dies deader an colder dan enybody. " But I had er bidin faith dat Pete wus still hongry an faith is de principullest thing in wuckin miracles ! " I sot dat steamin stewin pan on his chist, in his folded arms, so de win would waft de scent ercrost his face: Now, bretherin an sistren, sez I, all jine in de hymn an gin de possum time to wuck. "And den I led out, givin it out two lines at er time an all uv em er-follerin : De fat uv my possessluns rise Up in de nostrils uv de skies. "I stop an look at Pete. De hot possum steam wus er-rollin ercrost his face, but he wus still daid. I led erg in: 300 "UNCLE WASH" De steam uv incense it am sweet, Arise, my soul, dis scent to meet! "Still no sign f um Pete, so I led erg in: My houngry stummick yearns to see A taste uv dis divinity! "Pete didn t move, but I see de res uv de congrega- shun wus tur bly fected. Dat possum wouldn t er b en dar two minits ef er cawpse hadn t er belt it. "I led erg in, thinkin I d git er little more splicit: What am de grejunts uv dis stew On what I stakes my faith ernew . "Muffin f um Pete: Possum cotch in a simmon tree t Gray an fat es he kin be. " Dey all follered dey moufs, lak dey eyes, waterin. Cooked wid taters, gravy brown, Inguns wid melted butter roun "Den, bless heaben! I seed de en uv Pete s nose gin to wuck, jes er little, lak er rabbit snuffin gyarden truck. " I fairly lif de roof off wid de nex lines: Rise my soul, dese taters sweet, Rise an eat uv possum meat! "Marse John, I over-done it. Fo I could say Amen, I seed Pete s mouth gin to wuck, his eyes flew opin, he sot up in de bed, whilst ever nigger dar turned sum mersets out n dat doo , an some uv em am er-runnin yit! "But Pete an me, we et de possum!" HOW BIGBYVILLE WENT DRY. "1 SEES er good deal uv talk in de papers now erdays 1 bout gamblin on boss races, an I sees dey bout ter pass laws ter brake up de habit," remarked Uncle Wash the other night, after he had brought a turn of wood in to the library, and, having built a crackling fire, sat passing his hands through the leaping blaze. " But I don t see no use uv all dat hurraw fur nuthin. Bettin am one uv de orgernal sins uv de yunerverse. Ever thing we do am er hazzard, frum ketchin er microbe ter er wife. Why, we falls in luve jes lak we falls down de stair steps all er chance an one uv em bout es bad es de yurther. Befo we bawn de chances am jes even dat we ll be er gal baby jes accident we ain t. Es we grow up we liabul ter be knocked out by de measels or de whoopin cofT, or choked ter deaf on er chicken gizzard; an ef we happens ter scape dese we mighty nigh sho ter drap by de roadside in pollertics or matrimony! I tell you sah, life am er big chance from de doctah s fus visit to de undertaker s, an jes es likely to turn on de size uv de hat our grandaddy wore es eny thing else. An es fur bettin on er hoss race," said the old man, getting excited, "hit s jes er nachul way uv lettin off sum uv de surplus chance-steam dat s in our bilers. Bless yore life, sah, I ll bet I s bin ter mo hoss-races den eny yuther man in Tennessee, startin back to de days uv Haynie s Maria, Double Head, Rachel (301) 302 "UNCLE WASH" Jackson, an de swift Paytona, up to de times uv Procter Knott an Hal Pinter, an I yuster allers put up er dollar ef I seed my way cl ar, an nurver did lose no big thing twell I quit bettin on bosses an run up ergin ernudder combinashun up in Bigbyville way back in de fortys. Dat cuor d me, an I ain t nurver bet sence. "You see, sah, my ole Marster yuseter bet on boss races nachul es he chaw terbaccer. Es de Marster is, so am de servants, so am de chillun, so am de wife, so am de mudder-in-1 no, no," he said quickly, "I lacter made er break right dar. Wai, enyway, my ole Marster yuseter bet an run bosses, an when I wus bawn on de plantashun I jus wus bawn wid it in my lungs. Befo I cud rid er boss I played marbles fur keeps, stole watermillions fur fun, an lied kase I couldn help it. Dat wus de fix I wus nachully in twell I made dat bet dat Sat dy evening, fifty years ergo. " Dar wus er feller run er bar-room in Bigbyville den, named Sid Thompson, an he had er fightin dorg named Jack er little de meanes dorg you ever did see. He d whipped every dorg fur ten miles erround an got de naburhood uv dorgs so tarrified dat you cudden t git er country dorg ter cum inter town, dey all wus so feard uv him. Den Jack gotter playin tricks on em. I hope-I -may-die if he didn t yuseter lay out on de porch an play lak he wus sound ersleep, but all de time keepin one eye open fur eny friendles lookin cur-dorg dat mout be passin humbly by an den jump out on him, give im er double-spiral circlin twist uv er shake, an den set down on his tail an sorter laflf HOW BIGBYVILLE WENT DRY 303 es he watched dat tarrified dorg go yelpin up de rode fleeing from de wrath ter cum. Jack wus er bob-tail dorg, born dat way. He wus so mean nachur kno he wuddn t need no tail ter wag, so she didn t give im eny. Nachur, I have noticed, allurs economizes an nurver givs us eny thing we don t need but bless yore sole, honey, how often does she also fail to give us er few uv de things dat s most essenshul to our welfare. "Havin nufifin ter do, an bein bragged on twell he got de big haid, Jack got ter be de meddlesumes dorg in de wurl, an soon gotter tendin to everybody s business but his own. He went to all de fun rals, an yuster take de las look at de deceased. He went to every camp-meetin an whenever de song started up, he d howl twell dey would had ter take him out thinkin he wus sum city quire got out in de country. But de whole country bragged on his fightin qualities, though dey lamented de lak uv his moral character. Ps allers noticed, sah, dat genius however depraved allers gets de fus seat at de table uv public erpinion. Wy, sah, de preachers even yuseter brag on dat dorg an hold him up es er sample uv gifted meanness, long wid Tom Paine, Caterline and Benedic Arnold men uv great erbility but lackin in de one p int worth all de res . He s owner hed up er standin bet Jack cud whup enything in hide er hair dat went on fo legs an hit looked lak nobody d ever take im up. "One day dar cum ter Bigbyville de fus monkey an* Italian I ever seed. De whole village turned out ter see em Syd Thompson, Jack, an* all. De man he played de organ an de monkey he dance, an Jack he 304 "UNCLE WASH" sorter looked on, mad lak, cause enything ud tract mo tenshun dan hisse f. He sorter bristle up pretty close to de monkey, an Syd said : " Say, heah, Mistah, look out fur yo monkey ef Jack jumps on him he ll eat im up." "Monkey noo fraid e dog, said de man, e whip de dog." " Everybody laffed at dis, an Syd said: "Why, man, Jack would shake dat monkey like errat." Noo, no shake im lak e rat monk he whip de dog, said de man. "Dis made Syd so mad he tell de Italian he bet him all he hed de dorg cud kill de monkey in five minutes. But de Iterly man wus game an he soon fetch out frum erolebelt round his waste mo gold den Bigbyville hed ever seed, an told us we cu d all cum in an help rob im ef we wantd to. "We wus plum thunderstruck. Dat little thing whip Jack? But we thout we jes well have er fool s money es enybody, an de bar-keeper mor gaged evry thing he hed to put up on de fight. De whole town got stirred up. Everybody, even sum uv de folks dat nurver did bet befo , an dat preached ergin de im morality uv it, now thout dey jes well make er little on er dead-sho thing es eny body. I wus gwine ter git married Sad day night an ole Marster hed give me fifty dollars to git fixed up wid. Dar was my chance, an I put hit all up. De fight wus ter cum of? de naixt day in de back yard uv de grocery sto , an dat evenin sum uv de boys drawed er picture an put hit on de HOW BIGBYVILLE WENT DRY 305 post offis door. Hit represented er great big dorg shakin er po little monkey ter deaf, an* under hit wus writ: "DeEnd Uv De Sucker." "Dis sot de whole town to laffm hit wus so funny, an de naixt day we wus all on han mighty nigh all Bigbyville to back up Jack. De constable wus de stakeholder, an we all felt mighty sorry fur de Italian an de po leetle monkey in his spike-tail coat an cap. But de bar-keeper said dat er sucker wus bawn ever minit an de lam s wus made fur ter be fleeced an we all laft all but de monkey. He jes winked his eye an said nuffin . When we opened de gate Jack was sound ersleep on er pile uv leaves in de corner uv de back lot. We wanted to wake him up, but Syd said: " Nurver mind; jes fling de monkey in; Jack will enjoy his bre kfas after er good nap/ an de Italian stooped down, unbuckle his chain, whispered sumpin in de monkey s year, p inted to Jack snoozin erway in de corner an turned him loose. De leetle fellow slipped over de ground twell he got to three feet uv de boss dorg, den he jumps on im widout eny noise, grabs Jack s stump uv er tail wid bofe uv his hans, sticks it in his wide mouf an fotch his teeth together on hit lak er wolf trap. "Marse John, you s heurd dat electric batteries wus invented about 1860, ain t you? Dat am er mistake. I seed de fus one dat ever wus right dar; an Jack riz wid it on his tail. Round an round he 20 306 "UNCLE WASH" turned in his mizry, tryin to shet de current off, but de holt wus too close, an as de mizry got wusser an* wusser he jes laid back his years an went round dat lot raisin er whirlwind uv leaves. Torrectly he seed de gate ha f open an made er break fur it, knockin me down, fur I wus too stonished ter git outen de way, an den es we all looked down de road de las we ever saw uv de champion dorg he wus flyin to ards de settin sun wid er pa r uv spike-coattails settin off his hind end fur wings. Erbout er half hour afterwards de monkey cum trottin on back, an added de final weight uv wretchedness to our mizry by handin round his leetle cap es if we hadn t already paid fur de exerbition. "Wai, sah, you cudder kerried all Bigbyville home dat night in yore vest pocket. Syd made er grate bluff an tried ter claim er foul, sayin Jack nurver did wake up, dat he was dreamin , dreamin de devil hed im by de tail, an all dat. But de constable wus hones an es he handed over all de money dar wus in de town to de Italian, he lowed dat kordin to his opinion Jack was de wides erwake dorg he ever did see, but dat ef he wus dreamin he only hoped he d live ter see de day when he d have er race hoss dat cud dream ha f es fast. " Boss dat busted up de whisky bizness in de town, fur Syd moved erway. I didn t git marrid fur er year, an wooder bin single yit ef de gal hadn t tuck pitty on me an lowed she d have me jes es I wus." FUR I WAS TO STONISHED TO GlT OUTEN DE WAY. UNCLE WASH ON GAMBLING "/^AMBLIN , Marse John is puffickly nachul! Dar V-I now ! " as he recovered himself from falling over my setter dog, which, after a hard day s hunt, lay stretched out before the library fire "dat wus er chance dat I didn t break my neck over dat oblivermus dawg! Ain t dat gamblin ?" The setter rapped his tail on the floor and slept on, and the old man, after giving the dog a lecture on not knowing where to lie down and be out of the way, went on as he poked up the fire: " I see er whole lot bout de way you white fo ks is misbehavin yo se f dese days er-gamblin and er-robbin one nur r. Uv co se er niggah cain t gamble he jes plays craps es nachul es er groun hawg smells strong. To gamble, er man must have money an be spectabul an so when he steals it s jes be^lemint. But when you gits down to it gamblin s nachul. Nachur started de game fust, an whut s de use uv goin erg in nachur? Ef you don t pattern after her you ll mighty likely wind up wid sumpin wuss dat ll stick crossways in yo craw. "How kin I say dat? Chile, you sho ain t studied out de question much! "Ever thing is er chance in life wid de odds all erg in you! "Wy, de ve y d ciples uv de Lawd cast lots as to which shu d have his coat. "But de whole trouble wid de times now in gamblin (307) 308 "UNCLE WASH" high finance dey calls it runnin all th oo ever thing dat could be watered, milked or squeezed ! "An* de funny thing wid you white fo ks is dat in ever big wrong, dat needs rightin , you pick out some little ole thing to make it er scapegoat fur all de res . You pick out er nigger crap shootin , or er moonshiner makin er little licker widout revenue, whilst society games go on even mongst de ladies, an ever bum barkeeper in de Ian cheats Uncle Sam out uv three- fourths uv his revenue, by addin dat much water, high wines an other pizens to de licker he sells. "You s barred hoss racin , where men ease dey min s by playin er few dollars an go home an beehave, whilst Wall Street sharks gamble, on de insurance money uv de widders uv de Ian ! "I s lived wid white fo ks all my life, an ef I wus axed whut wus de stranges thing erbout em I have to say dey lave er spectable name jur ever big sin an damnaslun fur ever little one\ "No, sah er little hones gamblin is healthy. It he ps make brains an good jedgment, quick thinkin an cool haids, all de way frum de farmer dat puts in de early crops to gamble on de early rains to de brainy chap dat sees de comin city in his cawn fiel s. "No no, I don t see no use in all dis hurrah gin er little hones gamblin . Too much piuserty ain t good fur de breedin uv de race. Dirt ain t considered nice but we all got to eat our peck uv it to be real men. Sturilized babies all die wid de fust good stomach ache. Too much pi usness breeds hippercrits. You gotten to take yo chance in life, fur it s all er big UNCLE WASH ON GAMBLING 309 chance. You may play erroun an* think you is er- drivin de chances wid er good rein, but de chances is er-drivin you. "Did I ever tell you bout de time I played hoss an run er race fur stakes? I wus er young nigger den an great Scotts, how I could run ! Ole Marster spishioned I had speed frum meetin me accidentally one moon light night in his watermilion patch. He wus lef at de post an seed nothin but my back dat s all dat saved my hide, but he spisbioned I had speed, as I wus sayin ! " He found it out fur shore one night when he sent me to town in er hurry tendin lak he needed some medicine quick an tole me to take de shortes rout home or he d lambas me. De shortes rout, cuttin of? er mile, wus th oo de fambly grave yard, an dar dat mischeevus leetle Marse Henry uv his n had dressed up lak er ghos an got behin er tomb es I come by. It wus jes one hundred an fifty yards frum dar to de picket fence, an Marster said I stepped de distance in jes leben seconds flat, sides jumpin clear uv de palin s an levin mos uv my garments on de pickets. "Frum dar, he said, I run de mile home in jes 1 159 1-4. It wus jes er little speriment, Wash, ole Marster lafT an say, es he gin me er good toddy when I got back to de settin room. I spishioned you had speed, an I knowed many er good horse lak Haley s Halli burton, fust discovered it wid er good skeer. You ll do/ sez he erg in, laughin t well he nearly fell out n de cheer, an I s gwine to win some Krismus money on 3io "UNCLE WASH" you, an beat Judge Burton s sprintin hill-billy he allus braggin erbout. Master/ sez I, as he give me er rum toddy, don t you think you better have me blanketed arter dat heat I feel lak I done throwed two curbs now/ "So Marster winked an called in two mulatter niggers whut tended to his hosses an tell em to rub me down an blanket me an gin me de fat uv de Ian/ Frum dat night I wus great. I had two niggers to wait on me, exercise me, rub me down an git me in speed shape. I made em put er silk halter on me I wouldn t come out n de stall lessen dey did an when I did prance out er-snortin to run down de or chard track fer exercise ever day, an sho whut I could do, it wus lined wid pretty yaller gals an pickaninnies all er-singin: " See, de konkrin hero comes. " I allus did b leeve dat de white fo ks orter let er nigger have es many wives es he pleases (fur he s gwine to have em anyway !) an dat wus one time I cu d er married all de yaller gals on two plantations ! " De race wus to come off de Sat d y befo Krismus, down de principullest street in de town, to be followed by er tuckey an beef shootin an sum udder little sport. In dem days white fo ks wa nt so squeamish dey wucked hard, fit, cleared de Ian , raced horses, shot fur beef, married when dey got ready, drunk licker ef dey wanted it, had fun when dey c u d, an fights when dey c u dn t, an died spectabul when de time cum, ef dey didn t die befo dat. UNCLE WASH ON GAMBLING 311 "Now it s all wuck, no fun, no fight, an ever body preachin ! "It may be best but it ain t breedin men, Marse John! " Citement run high. It wus de talk uv de coun try, dis race tween Kunnel Young s nigger Wash an* Slim Jim Coon de hill-billy backed by Judge Burton. Marster had up er hundred on me erg inst Judge Burton s hundred on de hill-billy. O, dey bet lak gem men special in dem ole times. But all de time he seed dat I wus hard es er hound s rib, rubbed down to er muscle an bone an dat my toe nails want trimmed for it wus er bar foot race down de public road, an Marster laflf an say ef I could git er good skeer and plenty uv toe-holt, all hell couldn t beat me! "De trainin wuserleetle hard twixt de rubbin an* de runnin , an Marse wouldn t let em give me no whisky, terbacco, coffee er sugar an dat wus hard jes whey milk an* oatmeal. It sho wus indiffunt fodder, livin es I had b en on beefsteak an cawn-pone! "I never seed Slim Jim till de day uv de race. De whole male swasion uv de country wus dar, black an white. De town marshal wus de starter, three country squires wus j edges, an de track wus in de main street an harried hard an good. " I seed den whar my toe-holt ud come in. " I wus sho proud uv my app intment. I went dar under er red blanket, pejammers, satin slippers, an er silk halter. But when Marster had me stripped fur de race, I didn t have on nothin but er fig leaf an er halter an be pulled off de baiter! He said he wanted me 312 "UNCLE WASH" to run lak my ancestors useter run when de ghos uv er g rilla got after em in de woods uv Africa! "It wus de bigges day uv my life. De boys dat wanted to play de races would come an look me over, an den I ac boss to pufTecshun. I d snort, paw de air, kick at ever body dat come too nigh, an you never seed sech bettin as wus put up! Whole hatfuls uv knives, pistols, watches ever thing dey had silver dollars up in leetle piles all up an down de sidewalk. "Wai, sah, arter lookin us all over, de wurd soon come dat I wus de fav rit , an dey said ever thing wus jes piled on me. "All but de hill-billies, dey bet on Slim Jim. " I felt mighty proud an tarmined to run my best. " Bout dat time dar come to me er little, flashy- dressed, tin-horn gambler de same dat has made hoss racin pestiferous in de Ian twell all decent fo ks is erg in it. "He tempted me lak de sarpent tempted Adam an lak Adam, I fell, Marse John, I sho did. "Well, Marse John, him an me, we hilt er earnest conversashun, an when he slipped back, I had two hundred dollars uv his money, which I calc lated would pay back Marse de hundred he d loose on me, him bein de only one I wus uneasy about an dat chiefly on account uv my hide! " Den Mister Tin Horn bet erg in me to beat de worl . "Wai, long little befo noon, de time come. Ole Marster drove me down to de track in his buggy, me wid my scarlet blanket, an my black hide shinin out lak er lookin glass. De streets wus jes crowded wid UNCLE WASH ON GAMBLING 313 er long line uv yellin , jos lin men, an boys scootin bout betwixt dar laigs, an m latter gals, an sum uv em throwed flowers inter my buggy Lawd! Lawd! Marse John." The old man broke off reminiscently, rubbed his hands softly down my setter s back, as the gaudy vision floated into his heart again. "Slim Jim wus done dar. I never seed sich er white man in all my bawn days. Now I wus mod rate built fur runnin , an I had muscles bulgin out all over my body, I t ink dey mus er been er streak uv de Norman in me somewhere; but dat Slim Jim! Why, Marse John, dat man Slim Jim, mus suttinly b en er cross twixt er jack rabbit an er grasshopper. He wus jes a pair uv laigs j ined togedder wid er po -white hide. I looked him over, an de crowd looked him over, an den when I jumps out n de buggy, an, th ows off my scarlet robe, de crowd looks me over, an den sich yellin ! You see, dey wus countin on de muscles on my arms an chist to he p me erlong in runnin . "Men would come erroun an punch an thump me, an I d shy, an kick, an froth at de mouf, an de niggah dat Marster had p inted would juk at my halter, an say, Quiet now, Wasln. Slow down ol boss, you se gwinter git on de track mighty shawtly. Den he d pat me on de haid an I d th ow up my haid an look out uv my eyes wild lak; aji dem mulatter gals I sho thought dey d have fits er-lafFm . Ever - body wus mused. "Well, sah, de citement got in my blood, an fo goodness. 1 I jes begin to wish I hadn t took dat Tin 314 "UNCLE WASH" Horn s two hundred. I felt lak I d ruther have dat race dan any two hundred dat ever wus coined. "Me beat fo all dese pussons? I jes couldn t stan de thought ! "Last we wus lined up, me an Slim Jim. Way down yander stretched de road jes ez level an smooth ez de road to distruckshun. On both sides dar wus people lookin up our direcshun er long line uv haids, turned to des us, wid er occasional flutt rin han kerchief, or de roses in some yaller gal s han s. " I never saw de sun so bright in all my life. "We stood dar all scrooched over lak Marster showed me. I could feel ever muscle in my body jes waitin to git to wuck. Slim Jim wus bent up lak er steel spring, too. De crowd wus tiptoein an scrougin . "Sudden like Bang! went de Judge s pistol. "Hoi myse f in! Fo de Lawd, I thought I wus er hoss! Min dat two hundred fur goin slow? I tell you, Marse John, I tucked dis haid down an f-l-e-w. I jes kinder seed er blur on both sides uv me as I passed de people. I could heer er lot uv whoopin an hollerin somewhar I didn t know whar. I wus es tearin up de yeth. "All at once I hearer yellin , "Slim Jim! Slim Jim! Slim Jim!" An den I looked up. "An would you b lebe it, Marse John, dar was dat fool Slim Jim, Kinder lopin long in front uv me, jes sorter driftin erlong lazy lak, an lookin roun grinnin back at me, lak he wus out fur er little jog trot. Hurry up, se% ~he, you fool nigger! lhut you loafin fur . "Hit made me mad. Gosh/ sez I, Til ketch dat UNCLE WASH ON GAMBLING 315 blame greyhoun ef hit breaks my back/ an I let out er couple uv loops in my gait an fairly heated de track wid my speed. " I pro ched him some, when wid er swat uv sickly grin at me, Slim Jim turned his haid down de track an sorter shook me into de distance behin him, an hones , Marse John, I had to look erroun at de crowd to see whedder I was movin er stan in still ! Den de mos erstonishin thing happened: Jes es dat long, keen racer wus er-crackin de atmosphere, he stubbed his toe, bout half way down de track, an he rolled over an over fur bout er hundred yards f aster n I could run to save my neck. Befo he had picked hisse f up, I had passed him, an felt onst more dat I wus about de fastest thing dat ever paced er quarter. "Den I thought uv dat two hundred! "I thought quick an I acted quick. I knowed Slim Jim never stump his toe, case I never seed er jack rabbit stump his toe in all my days. Slim Jim lad sold out, too! " I thought quick an acted quick. All uv er studdint, I begun caperin cross de track, broke my gait, kicked out my heels, an es good luck had it, er piece uv news paper come blowin cross de street, dat somebody had dropped an my, you orter seed me shy at de thing! I jes cavorted. Th owed up my haid an neighed turned roun, lef de track an went hell-bent to ole Marster s stables, an I didn t stop twell I got dar! "An I carried dat two hundred wid me de gift uv de Tin Horn to de lost cause." 316 "UNCLE WASH" "But I don t understand," I began. The old man laughed. "Wai, maybe not. But don t you see bein es we wus bofe bought out, an Slim Jim s fake fall, an me boltin de track, de race wus off, nobody won, an de fools dat bet on bofe sides wus saved, all but de Tin Horn dat bought me. I had his two hundred, an Marster said it served de Tin Horn gambler right everihing bein fair in er steal. " But I s sorry," sez he, "to see de sport uv gentle- mun ruined by cheap gamblin ." HOW UNCLE WASH MARRIED THE WIDOW THE old man had been so comfortably fixed of late that I had not bothered about him. I had heard vague rumors of his wealth how that he owned a forty-acre farm, with a good home well stocked, and that he lorded it over the dusky citizens of Dark Bottom a very Croesus. I had even heard that he had married again the thirteenth time and to a handsome yellow widow who came into Dark Bottom from Alabama and taught the district school and played on the church organ. There was a hot rivalry for the organist it is said, last ing from potato-planting and culminating to white heat during the dog-days; that every young darky in the district wanted her, but that the old man won out; that now he drove around in splendor, lived like a lord, looked twenty years younger, had the buxomest and fattest saddle-colored wife in the state and had taken a new lease on life. But what astonished me more was the rumor that the old man owned a dozen darkies himself in plain violation of the law of the land and the Fourteenth Amendment to the Constitution. I imagined, naturally, that the Alabama widow had had something to do with all this, but not having seen the old man lately I was anxious for a report. All the earthly possessions he had, two years ago, besides a kidney plaster for his back, some eel-skin (317) 318 "UNCLE WASH" garters and a suit of old clothes, was an old Hal mare, with a long pedigree and a short lease on life, which a local butcher had given him rather than des troy her. She had been drawing his delivery wagon for ten years, had run away regularly in the full of every moon, and had finally splintered her hocks in kicking at a preacher who had stopped her driver in the middle of the pike to argue on the sin of horse racing. It was a pretty day and nearing Christmas. I knew the old man would be over soon, knowing that I always had a present for him in the shape of a quart of Cascade and a pound of Navy Twist. It is the unexpected that happens, and my surprise was great. He came, but instead of shambling down the pike in the ragged suit of old clothes, he drove up in a rubber-tired trap, drawn by a pair of bays. He wore a silk hat, a new Prince Albert suit, sported a gold-headed cane, and had three darkies to wait on him* Two sat in front to drive while a footman sat behind. They ran in ages from twelve to eighteen and were smart-looking yellow fellows. On the seat with him were two big bronze gobblers. "In the name of heaven, old man!" I exclaimed as I met the turnout at the door, "but I thought you were the Sultan of Sulu coming after my cook." He gave me a wink as much as to say that he was on his dignity, and then stepped grandly down, the footman assisting him with great deference. The two in front soon reached the horses heads and stood eyeing the old man as if afraid to bat their eyes. MARRIED THE WIDOW 319 Howdee do Marse John to be sho glad to see you. Come, nigger, bresh me off. Step lively, now! Dar, get de dust off en my shoes be pe art." "Why, Wash," I began, "what is all this?" He waved his hands grandiloquently. " Don t men tion it don t mention it, sah. Them am my Chauncey DePew, Plowden Van Bibber an Micajah Somerset all niggers uv mine. Step lively dere, boys, an tek dem turkeys in to Miss Mary, I fotcht em to her for er Christmas gift thou t she d lak em," he added to me. "Why, shell be delighted," I began again. "Don t mention it don t mention it, boss, it s my time to give now you s bin kin nuff to me. Don t mention it, tall." "Will you come in?" I asked meekly, at the same time wondering if I had a room in the house fine enough for him. "To be sho to be sho dat s what I come fur- to come in. What yo reckin I d make dem niggers drive me ten miles fur, if it wa nt jes to see you an have an ole time talk? Here, Plowden Van Bibber, fetch me dat bundle, it s er leetle present fur yo, Marse John." In the library I offered him the best chair by the fire. He wiped his silk hat and laid it gently down, parted his coat-tail and took his seat. I had not yet recovered my breath, and not knowing what to do, I got out his Christmas present. "Thankee, Marse John, to be sho , thankee. But I s focht you all er presen er quart uv club cocktail, 320 "UNCLE WASH" extry old an er box uv fine cigars. I fin dese things suit de ole man s stomach-sake better n er cob pipe an crude licker so I s usin em now." He set them out with a majestic wave of his hand the merest trifle. "Great heaven!" I gasped "drinkin this kind of stuff an ownin darkies, too?" The old man laughed. "You kno I s allers wanted to own er few niggers ever since I remember how happy ole Marster an me useter be wid em. I s allers thou t dey ought to be some land whar er gem man cu d own er few niggers an it ud be nobody s bizness, but I nurver thou t I d be dat forchunit myse f." "How did you get them, then?" "Marri d em boss an dey s jes eight or ten mo on em some gals, too all likely en peart not to mention dey mammy de widder dat wus. But she ain t er widder no mo neither grass nor sod. Ay, yas, I b leeves I will try dat cock-tail it hepes me pow ful can tell you all erbout it better." He wiped his mouth on a silk handkerchief and went on: "You see, it all come erbout through dat ole Hal marr Lord bless her! It was her colt dat done de bizness. Las Jinuwary er year ergo I suaded er Yankee gem man dat stopped over at C lumbia on his way to Fluridy for his health an , lak all sech, he had mo money dan he had hoss sense dat de only thing dat lay between him ownin de champ yun pacer uv de universe an me ownin him was jes de pittiful little sum uv fo thousan dollars uv his frenzied finance, an , boss, he gin it up so easy lak he thou t it wus MARRIED THE WIDOW 321 unbranded wet goods, an he was afeared some New- nited States rivernue officer would find em in his possesshun. " "Oh, that explains it but I thought you had married it with that thirteenth wife "Marse John," said the old man, sadly, " ain t you done live long enuff to kno dat er po devil wid one hoss got erbout es much chance to marry er rich widder es er Dimmycrat baby has to be President some day? No, sah, I put dat money in er good farm wid er pritty leetle home jes de kinder trap to ketch de bird I wus arter an , altho dey was er dozen young niggers arter her, pickin de light catarrh an blowin sonnets to de moon, she lowed dey all look to her mighty lak dey had cold feet compared to dat farm an home. " He chuckled delighted. He rubbed his hands and took another cocktail. "Oh, I was in fine fix for matrermony er crib full uv cohn, twenty likely shoats, cows, chickens, pum kins, taters, an no tech uv de rumatizn in my back. I knowed she d had several husban s befo - some on em dead an some runnin fer de Legislatur an some on em runnin on Pullman cars. She nuver tole me she had anything else, an we went on our bridal tower happy es larks, an uv all my wives, thinks I, dis am de Jewell. Her name was Marinet, an she was de fines oman I ever spliced up wid. Wai, sah, when we come back Lord, boss, it was awful ernudder cocktail to brace me up ah ! thankee wal, when we come home an I looked out I thou t de deestrick skule was gwine on in my yard it was 21 322 "UNCLE WASH" liter lly lined wid niggers. Dey was so thick dat who ever focht em cuden t git em all in de house an had put some on em in de chicken coop an hen-house. Leastwise, dey was dar, an I gin em de bennyfit uv de doubt, altho it mout er bin instinct. " What s all dat?" sez I to de widder, gaspin for , my breath. " Oh, dat s our dear chillun dat have come home! * an wid dat she jumped out an sech er kissin an huggin you never seed. It look lak de yard wus full uv leetle mushrooms sprung up in de night. " Jes er leetle sprize for you, dear Luv, jes er leetle sprize. Ain t dey too sweet fur eny thing? Uv course I didn t tell you bout it thou t I d sprize you! an den she kissed me so grateful lak/ " Wai, you s done it, sez I, pantin fur breath not one, but whut I d call er covey uv sprizes an you right sho dey ain t none uv em wandered off? I shudn t lak for any mo to bob up unexpected I mout not be able to stan de shock. " Oh, no, she sez, dey am all heah. Come, chillun, an kiss yo Paw. "Wid dat dey piled on me, all on em wanted to kiss dey Paw, an all at once. I wus smothered in er sea uv black an ole gold, an throwed up on er beach uv wet lips. Dey piled on me till I wus purple. You d er thort I wus de football s haf-back wid all de yuhders on top. Some uv de gals wus nigh grown an right peart, an I don t mind dey huggin me so much, but some wan t even weaned dat is, dey didn t pear ter smell lak dey wus! Den she kiss me erg in and sed: I MARRIED THE WIDOW 323 " See how I luves yo Paw? Dat s deway I wants you all to luve him/ " We all luves our Paw now/ dey yells, an wid dat dey kivered me ergain. "At de supper table whilst dey made holes in de batter-cakes, biskets an bac n, I larnt all de names. De widder was literary an had got em all outen books. Startin wid de bigger gals, dar was Milcah an Ho- sannah an Sillawasha, an Cokeette an five or six mo gals, endin wid Rowena de leettle s one. De boys was Chauncey DePew, an Plowden Van Bibber, an Micajah Somerset an Russell an yudders an all on em wus eatin bac n lak er sausage mill. " Dey are sech healthy, happy, jolly dears/ sez she, wid so much pussonality. What er sponserbility Gawd puts on parents what er problem! " For onct de widder had struck de key note uv my thorts de problem wid me was how long my cobn an yaller chickens ud last. "Wai, sah, you nurver seed chillun luve dey Paw lak dey did me fur erbout er week. When bedtime come all de leetle ones wanted to sleep wid dey Paw. We put down comforts all over de house an den had to put five kids in de bed wid us. It was tar bul. Oh, yes, boss, some mo uv dat cocktail ever time I d move I d stick my toe in er coon s mouth, ever time I d turn over I d mash one. An what you reckin dat chap ud do squall out an bite me, boss. It seems lake dey been tort when dey got mad to bite. I soon larned dey was spiled an had other tricks lak yaller dogs sides bitin , and dat week was tar bul. Dey didn t do 324 "UNCLE WASH" nuffin but dress up an eat an git mad an bite one nur r. Dey had no notion uv wuckin . Dey objec in life seems to be to see how quick dey cu d eat up all I had. De widder was jes es bad, an spent all her time dressin em up. I spent my days calk latin how long it ud be befo dey would eat up my cohn, an my nights tryin to keep from bein et up myse f. I d lay wake and heah em talkin in dey sleep bout de poultry bizness, an snorin , and den I d gaze way off through de winder an look at de stars, an ever bunch uv em ud be thirteen. Den I groan an count de chilluns, an dey ud be thirteen ! It was tar bul . Yes anur r leetle drap outen dat bottle. Thankee. " But I wus mighty pashent fur er week tryin to lead em in de straight an narrer path. It wa nt no use dey luvefur dey Paw didn t go beyond decohn- crib or de hen house. "Den dey all got sassy an sassed me. I stood it till they begin to call me old niggah Methusalem kase I was ole an black an dey was yaller, an sineratin dat I couldn t whip er kitten ! I seed de time was ripe fur action, an dat night I acted. I hid er good rawhide hosswhip under de bed an by it I put er copperlined washboa d wid er extry strong handle. Arter supper I got em all in de settin -room an locked de door an put de key in my pocket. " What s you gwinter do? say de widder. " We re all gwinter have fam bly prayers/ sez I; bein, es I am er deacon in de Baptis Church, an I s kinder neglected it uv late. " Oh, rats, sez all on em at onct. MARRIED THE WIDOW 325 "Den sez I, sorter calm lak: Ts gwinter break all dese colts over to harness. Dey don t seem ter wanter pull on er cold collar, an dey balk an have got wheels in dey haids "She riz up mad as er hornet: Dey ain t got eny- thing in dey haids/ she sez. I thank you I take keer uv my chillun! " After I break em over ergin , sez I, Ts gwinter baptize em all in Bigby Creek nex Sunday/ " Not much/ sez de widder, we is Piscopaliums/ " Yes, we is Piscopaliums, ole nigger/ sez all on em. " Wai, you ll be Baptis when I get through wid you/ I sez, an I grabbed my rawhide an let in. "De widder come at me lak er wildcat, but I hadn t put de washboa d dar fur nuffin, an I laid her out de fust lick jes had to do it, boss had to do it. Der is times when er man has got to lick his wife, but he orter do it gently, lak I did. I seed her tumble over on de bed in er dead faint, but I knowed she had plenty uv wool an er mighty hard haid whar I hit, an she d be through ergin by daylight. "Wai, wid de old bird knocked out, dis jes par - lyzed de covey, an I frailed em out from Milcah to Rowena. I had em on de mourners bench I had em beggin to be led to de creek, I had em meek es lambs an settin round quiet an humble. Den I bathed de widder s face till she come through an sot up, humble lak, and full uv penertence. Whut-whut-whut s happen?" she sez. " Nothin , Maw/ sez Milcah, sweet lak. Taw he s jes made us all Baptis/ 326 "UNCLE WASH" " An dat ain t all/ I sez. I been studyin yo names an* I s gwinter see whut yo Maw intended you all to be when she named you all dem hifolutin names. " Whut yo name, gal? I sez. " Milcah, sah! " Wai/ sez I, I studied dat out. You ll find it in de Bible. It s jes Hebrew fer plain ole milker, an you go to de cow barn de fust thing at daybreak , sez I. You maw is sho er genius fur gettin de right name. " Yas, sir, Paw, she sez. " What s yo name, nex ? " Hosannah, sah. " Dat, sez I didn t take much study. Hose is stockins an Annah is plain ole Hannah, an it means Hannah darnin stockins. Go at it at onct. I ll let you be de seamstress fur dis house, too, an* frum now on yo name is Hannah. " Yassir, Paw. " Whut s yo name, nex ? " Cokette, sah/ " Dat s French fer cookin / sez I. You git into dat kitchen by daybreak Yo maw is er genius fur names/ " Yassir, Paw/ " Whut s yo name, gal? " Sillawasha, sah/ " Oh/ sez I, dat s dead easy. It looks Latin, but it s plain English. Anybody cu d see dat Gawd intended you fer de wash tub. " Yassir, Paw/ MARRIED THE WIDOW 327 Den I turns to de big, strappin boys. What s yo name, sah? " Plowden Van Bibber, sah. " Dat s Dutch, sez I, but mighty plain to er man dat knows de langwedge lak yo Paw does. Plowden mean plowin , an Van Bibber is Dutch fur down by de river. It seems providential dat yo name fits dat river bottom fiel so handy! All you need is er mule an plow an you ll fin em in de barn at daylight. Git at it. " Yassir, Paw. " What s yo name, sonny? " Micajah Somerset, sah! "Dat/ sez I, would puzzle enybody but er scholar. Micajah is Greek for Mek-hay-sah, an Somerset is ole Saxon fur befo de sun set. Dat clover field needs you bad, an yo name fits it to er nat s heel! " Yassir, Paw. Russell is mine, sah, sed de nex one er black kid. Whut s dat fur? " Dat s jes plain nigger for hustle, sez I, an you can start in de cohnfield to-morrow. An ef you belie yo name you ll ketch dis rawhide ergain . " Yassir, boss. " Chauncey DePew, sah, at yo sarvice! " Now, sez I, Chauncey, you may think yo was cut out fur makin after-dinner speeches an borryin frenzied finance frum yo self in de Equitabul, but frum now on de great pi nt wid you is to fust earn yo dinner. Chauncey is de Saxon fur Churnin you ll be mighty handy in de dairy. De rest uv yo name suggests dat 328 "UNCLE WASH" de Baptis church needs cleanin up twice er week, arter prayer meetin an Sunday sarvice, an I jes let you tek care uv de pews/ "Oh, I had em all fixed. Do leetle un climbed in my lap an de widder sed, sorter mean lak: Dat s Rowena you sho done figur out whut her name mean? Yes/ sez I still holdin er good grip on de wash- boa d Ro is de Greek for time an de rest is easy: Time-to-ween er. I s gwinter sleep in peace to-night/ sez I/ : Oh/ she sez, still sassy lak an my name is Marinet maybe you think it means somethin / I do/ sez 1, you got er good home an ergood husban an father for you children, but Marinet is de French fur er marryin -yet, an ef you don t walk er chalk-line frum now on, dat s whut you ll be doin er wife without er job unless you can fool some other nigger. An sence we re all Baptis we ll now have prayer/ an Boss, you never heard sech h art-felt petestions es they put up. "Boss, you nurver seed enything wuck lak it did. I put em to wuck an kep em at it, an sech craps as we made. Every one uv em mor n paid fur hisse f an I got mo money in de bank den we can spen . I s allers wanted to own er few niggers an now I s makin it pay. Dat s why I go in style. It seems to me I s solved de nigger problem/ "How?" I asked. "Wy, jes keep cm busykeep cm busy <lat s de p int. MARRIED THE WIDOW 329 "But I must go come to see me an* fetch nothin but yo appetite." "Wash, let us test this club cocktail before you go. Here s to you why, old man, you ve drunk up your gift." "To be sho to be sho. Didn t you set dar an see me do it? Ain t I done tole you often to be lib ral an give, but ef you re smart, you ll fix yo triggers so you ll more n git it back erg in?" At the door I heard him say: "Step lively, you niggers! You s got to kill hogs when you git home!" 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WINSTON CO. 1006-1016 ARCH STREET PHILADELPHIA Unabridged Favorites to Fit the Pocket The Readers Library OF ILLUSTRATED HANDY POCKET EDITIONS OF WORLD FAMOUS BOOKS By printing these standard works on very thin paper and using a new style of type which has recently been made for us, we have been able to reduce these books to a size convenient for the pocket, thus giving the largest type in the smallest book ever published. A wonderful improvement in the art of book-making. Each volume is beautifully illustrated with from 8 to 16 pic tures from original drawings, made especially for these books by the most celebrated artists of the day. Leather limp, gilt top, full gold back. Price per volume, $1.00. Sold separately and in sets. LIST OF TITLES. Adam Bede. By George Eliot. American Notes. By Charles Dickens. Barnaby Rudge. By Charles Dickens. Bleak House. By Charles Dickens. Channings, The. By Mrs. Henry Wood. Charles O Malley. By Charles Lever. Child s History of England. By Charles Dickeni. Christmas Books. By Charles Dickens. Cloister and the Hearth, The. By Charles Reade. Danesbury House. By Mrs. Henry Wood. David Copperfield. By Charles Dickens. | Dombey and Son. By Charles Dickens. East Lynne. By Mrs. Henry Wood. Great Expectations. By Charles Dickens. Hard Times. By Charles Dickens. Henry Esmond. By W. M. Thackeray. Every Child s Library "Books "That Every Child Can Read" for Four Treasons : 1. Because the subjects have all proved their lasting popu larity. 2. Because of the simple language in which they are written. 3. Because they have been carefully edited, and anything that might prove objectionable for children s reading has been eliminated. 4. Because of their accuracy of statement. This Scries of Books comprises subjects that appeal to all young people. Besides the historical subjects that are necessary to the edttcation of children, it also contains stand ard books written in language that children can read and understand. Carefully Edited. Each work is carefully edited by Rev. Jesse Lyman Hurlbut, D. D., to make sure that the style is simple and suitable for Young Readers, and to elimi nate anything which might be objectionable. Dr. Hurlbut s large and varied experience in the instruction of young people, and in the preparation of literature in language that is easily understood, makes this series of books a welcome addition to libraries, reading circles, schools and home. Issued in uniform style of binding. Clolb. 12mo. ///usfra/ed. Price, 75 Cents. LIST OF TITLES. LIVES OF OUR PRESIDENTS Every child can read THE LEATHERSTOCKING TALES Every child can read. THE STORY OF JESUS Every child can read. THE HISTORY OF AMERICA Every child can read. PILGRIM S PROGRESS Every child can read. STORIES OF OUR NAVAL HEROES Every child can read. STORIES OF GREAT AMERICANS Every child can read. STORIES ABOUT CHILDREN OF ALL NATIONS Every child can read. ROBINSON CRUSOE Every child can read. STORIES ABOUT INDIANS Every child can read. STORIES OF ROYAL CHILDREN Every child can read. DICKENS STORIES ABOUT CHILDREN Every child can read. ( Other Titles in Preparation) CATALOGUE MAILED ON APPLICATION THE JOHN C. WINSTON COMPANY, Publishers 1006-1016 Arch Street, Philadelphia Pa. JESUS OF NAZARETH IN THE LIGHT OF TO-DAY By ELBERT RUSSELL Professor in Earlham College Author of "The Parables of Jesus" AN INTERESTING MODERN VIEW-POINT In this book Professor Russell makes "an effort to show Jesus in His saving truth and power to those who may be alienated from the Christ of past generations." The result is clear and impressive. The author considers the character of the Saviour reverently yet without passion. As suming the standpoint of the intelligent man of to-day, "who thinks in terms of the evolutionary philosophy and who presup poses the commonly accepted results of Biblical criticism" he makes a fresh inter pretation, simple and popular in method and positive and religiously helpful in its result, of the historical character and spiritual significance of Jesus of Nazareth. 12mo. 5Hy 71 inches. 112 pages. Silt Cloth Price 60 Cents Net Postage 6 Cents THE JOHN C. WINSTON CO. PHILADELPHIA, PA. THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF ALLEN JAY THE LIFE OF A WELL KNOWN FRIEND Allen Jay is one of the best known mem bers of the Society of Friends, and his long life of seventy-eight years has been almost entirely devoted to religious and benevolent work. The author s life is so intimately connected with the modern history of Friends, both in America and other countries, that this volume will be of the greatest interest, not only to Friends, but to others, from a historical standpoint. In telling the story of his career, Allen Jay touches on many subjects, such as the following : Randolph Meeting at Dayton, Ohio ; the Millerites and Spiritualists; West Branch Quarterly Meeting ; the Friends in Indiana, and^ Greenfield Monthly Meeting. Allen Jay s beginnings in the Ministry ; the Civil War ; the Draft and the Anti-Slavery Separation in Indiana Yearly Meeting; Allen Jay s Activity Among Friends in Maryland, North Carolina, and Tennessee; Conditions in Car olina at the Close of the Civil War; the Balti more Association; Work of Francis T. King, John Scott and other Friends; Allen Jay s Visits and Work in Great Britain and Nor way; at Friends Boarding School in Provi dence, Rhode Island; Earlham College and its History; the Five Years Meeting; Cali fornia Yearly Meeting; Guilford, Earlham and Whittier Colleges ; Work in Oregon, Washington, North Carolina and Nebraska. Tbis book is fully illustrated and handsomely bound in clotb. Price $1.50 Net. THE JOHN C. WINSTON CO. PHILADELPHIA, PA. AN INITIAL PINE OP 25 CENTS GENERAL LIBRARY - U.C. BERKELEY BODOISaiflb 22157 THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY