H J I THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA GIFT OF Mrs. Edwin Grabhorn THE OR, YANKEE DOODLE COURT, BALTIMORE : PRINTED FOR THE AUTHORESS. 1880. COPY RIGHT SECURED ACCORDING TO LAW. ADVERTISEMENT. THE object of this work is to "shoot Jolly as it flies" and to check, if possible, the violent spi rit of "Reform," now so indiscriminate and so alarming to the interests of the country. That a female writer should thus oppose a majority, and attack even the Wise men of Gotham" (alone and unaided as she is,) may excite much astonish menteven among the minority; but she fears naught, when concious of employing her pen in a just cause. And her patriotic ardour is not to be checked by even the frowns of those now in power. The "proscribed" and insulted minority, she thinks will approve her un disguised sentiments; and be gratified by seeing certain great personages delineated with accura cyand placed in the proper light, so very essen tial to have effect ; as to "give the Devil his due," is ever allowed to be fair and just . To give in sulted patriotism a triumph ; and to endeavour to disperse the clouds of prejudice, which cal umny so basely caused to partially obscure the IV. great Western luminary, of Kentucky; (whose * integrity," and patriotism has so vilely been called in question;} she deems also as incum bent on a writer whose pen has ever been devo ted to the genuine ardour of patriotism. That the great Clay stands unrivalled in point of su perior talent, as a statesman, cannot be disputed. His modest forbearance to his numerous political defamers, has at length proved the mild dignity of his character, and that exalted mind which his foes, through envy and self-interest, still labour to seclude from the admiration of the world. But the time is rapidly advancing, even in his native State, that will reinstate this (now a favourite) star of the West in the conspicuous station which his merits and unrivalled talents demand. The excitement throughout the West is rapid and astonishing. Put down the new system of u Re form," and all will soon be well again. Appreci ate and reward merit, talents, and sterling inte grity, for the glory of the nation. Retrieve the honor of the American character in time to con vince the world you can discriminate. Be unan imous for the promotion of the Great Clay, and obtain a glorious triumph over the Reign of "Re form" and "proscription" A " Reign of ter ror," to the country. THE AUTHORESS. THE REIGN OF "REFORM." DIALOGUE Between COL. HARDFARE,and MAJ. DAUNTLESS, (two Revolutionary Patriots.) December^ 1829. COL. HARDFARE. Well, Major Dauntless, what news from the Capitol ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Ah! Col. worse and worse! His "Hickory" Majesty finds his Club of Her- cu/es, not sufficiently formidable to keep off vul gar intruders from the Yankee Doodle Court, but has stationed his /i/e-guards, like monarchs of Europe, to awe and intimidate all who have the presumption to assert their claims on his Highness' attention, and consideration. This is republicanism with a vengeance Col. The Yan- ** '-.*/* "** * ,'*\'%"' ^V kee Princes strut and swell their pompous figures like bull frogs in the fable; but it will be all over with them ere long, depend upon it. The Palace with all its spacious saloons and superb drawing-rooms can scarcely contain them. Those immense "Parisian Mirrors," reflect their Prince ly figures to great advantage. "Even His " Hick ory" Highness, steals a glance of self-complacen cy at his erect and formidable figure, while pass ing to and fro amid the crowd of parasites. COL. HARDFARE. By the by Major, that is certainly a serious reflection for the nation. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. It is indeed Col. Also, that Henry J., Prince of Influence, is the royal fa vourite, and consequently, the most influential character at Court, (Her Immaculate Highness the Princess of Influence, excepted,) but there is a long Green Goblin Grim figure glides to and fro 1 in the Palace, and is to be seen at all hours there. It must gain admittance by some super-human means. The guards are quite passive at its ap proach, and stand back with the points of their bayonets lowered submissively. But, it speaks not ! it looks not around ! and with stern aspect and solemn step glides to and fro of late, to the Royal closet ; where, no doubt, the most impor- tant affairs of the nation are now deliberating , which a short time will develops. COL. HARDFARE. Aye, Aye, Major, and per fect the Refa-m." MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Yes, and with a ven geance ! Col., there's no mistake, in that, we may rest assured. The Green Goblin is never at rest. It is most active now in defending itself against accusations from opponents, who are getting more numerous and powerful than is deemed safe in the present order of things at the great City; where the Green Goblin thinks he has an un questionable right and privilege, being privy counsellor, (Lord deliver us!) at Court. What a happy faculty it is Col. to be able to see further than one's nose ; and the Green Goblin does not want for prominency and length in that very dig nified, and remarkable feature, it must be indis putably admitted. Some men have impudence enough to impose superficial acquirements on the world, but there is no mistake in this Grim per sonage, although his form is, "long and lank," He moves upon a sinewy shank." Sterling talents and integrity are so very rare and inestimable at this day, and so very requisite to serve the " Reform," that \ve must all rever ence with due submission, this Grim Personage. COL. HARDFARE. A most formidable Court Goblin, or inquisitor, truly; and one who is, in some measure, a suspicious and dangerous one ; as envy and low cunning is ever assiduous and in- defatigable in persecuting genuine merit, talent and "Integrity," in those whose lustre serves to expose his Goblin deformity of character, while his Goblinship is labouring to vilify his superiors throughout the nation. As you have been appa rently a close observer at Court, Major, you can inform me what is now said of the favorite Prin cess, who has already made such a noise in the country. MAJ. DAUNTLESS, Yes, Col. if you mean that very delicate "bone of contention ," the (Im maculate) Princess Rosilia, I can assure you, there is but little else thought of at present ; than the virtues of that "amiable woman," as His "Hicko ry" Highness is pleased to pronounce her ; she is the fashionable theme of conversation at Court and in the great City. His Highness 5 infatuation, may, however, be tolerated, in some measure, as military characters, we know, are generally cele- brated for gallantry; particularly in the earlier part of life, and it is certainly a pleasing recollec tion. You, or I, Col. would even now be gal lant men, (at fourscore years) were there an "amiable woman" in question, you know therefore ha! ha! ha! Col. COL, HARDFARE. Pshaw! Major, I don't see the necessity, or propriety of an "amiable woman" thus turning the head of the nation ; and becom ing ridiculous and a reproach to the Government. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Policy, my dear Col. dic tates that the good qualities of the Princess Jm- maculate should be extolled; and gratitude that her virtues shall be vindicated. There is a " wheel within a wheel," in the cabinet at this time, we may rest assured. This very loyal lady has a claim on his "Hickory" Highness, because she is persecuted ; and for the most powerful of all reasons, because she is thought still young and beautiful. COL. HARDFARE. She is the modern Helen, it seems, who is to revolutionize the country. Truly, Major, I doubt whether this very delicate "bone of contention," will reflect much honor on her champions. I've no idea of petticoat govern- 2* 10 ment. Give a woman the reins, and she'll drive us all to the Demi in a twinkling, by Jove! MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Aye, Col. and with a ven geance? By Jupiter! this should be a matter of deep consideration. A woman to cause conten tion in the Cabinet, be she ever so "young and beautiful" (and an " amiable" woman also,) is like Pandora's box opened upon us, with a ven geance, by the God of War? It is well there is no Jlfenelaus now to dispute the fair prize with Paris. But who is the Achilles, think you, who "will challenge Hector ? There is gallantry and valor enough yet to protect an " amiable woman" no doubt, notwithstanding the frailties of human nature. But, by the God of War, Col. we will not have a ten year's siege of it, they may rely on it. The " bone of contention" can, and will, be put aside, in a much shorter time, and the busi ness finally settled, as there are more weighty concerns of the nation to be adjusted at this time, it is very evident, than thus wrangling about an "amiable ivomqn." By Jupiter? Col. what will Europe think and say about our Yankee Doodle Court ? The most ludicrous imitation of sove reignty ever exhibited. A stigma on the charac ter of Republicanism. O Hercules ! what a reigri of " Reform /" What a " Retrenchment f " 11 COL. HARDFARE. Ah ! Major, we live in a memorable era! Posterity will profit by the wis dom and talent of the present Reign. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Aye, Col. and we may add Integrity, you know, as we are convinced it is genuine, among the Princes of " Reform," who will all protect an "amiable woman." By Jupiter, Col. I would sooner command a regi ment of Poltroons, than be commanded by a silly woman, scarcely above mediocrity at the present day. What astonishing infatuation ! COL. HARDFARE. So you will not "strike your colours" yet, Major Dauntless. What will you do? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. "Strike my colours!" Col. Hardfare? D nit, I'll die! first. I am Major Dauntless, and will never disgrace my name. I was not born to cringe to those in pow er, nor to fatter them. I am a blunt old soldier, and I know my duty to my country and to my God! I hate hypocrisy, and resist oppression. I fear no man no by the God of War ! nor woman either. COL. HARDFARE. Bravo! Major Dauntless! the spirit of '76, that can challenge the imbecili ty of the present day to advantage. But. what have you there ? 12 MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Let me read it, and then judge for yourself. I picked up these scraps in various parts of the great City, and have reserved them as tit bits for my leisure hours, to share with my friends, and the lovers of justice. Possibly they were dropt by some of the court visiters at levees. I've quite a large collection of them, as you see, Col. and all highly seasoned for your palate and mine ; and I may with confidence as sert that they will be relished in a very short time by a large majority, among political epicures, Hear this for example : "When a Fly retires to bed, He rests his tail above his head." So in this u Hickory" turn out day, The rabble have the sovereign sway. But soon there'll be a change of times, And greater names will grace our rhymes. When those turned out, will be turned in, And what they've lost be sure to win." COL. HARDFARE. There's something to hope for yet Major. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Aye, aye, Col. Hardfare, there's no "mistake" in that, we may rest satisfi ed. All in good time yet, Col. Here is another ragout still more highly seasoned : 13 *' May the Clay of Kentucky, fine porcelain soon, Be produced to grace this Royal City ! When tough Hick'ry no longer enjoying the boon, So abused ! but dismissed without pity. When tyrants are ^hoisted on shoulders of friends," To great honors the first in the nation. And then are ungrateful ! why thus it soon ends, In their permanent, sore degradation. Then Hurrah ! for the Clay of Kentucky ! refm'd ! Hurrah ! for the Statesman ! the scholar ! Let's vote for the man who has manners and mind, More discreet than the victim of Choler. Hurrah! for the Clay of Kentucky 's the cry ! The Hawks of the Palace, will soon have to fy ! COL, HARDFARE. Ha! ha! ha! Bravo! Ma jor Dauntless this is not the composition of a coward. What next have you to the glory of the Yankee, Doodle Court ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. The composition of a coward ? no by the God of War, Col. Hardfare k is a bold attempt, and the six concluding lines are admirable Mark this Col., "the Hawks of the Palace." Ha! ha! O d n 'em! I could shoot some of them myself. They are revelling in luxury and splendour equal to any Court in Europe, while thousands of honest Rebublicans 14 are literally starving. This is Liberty and Equal ity with a vengeance in our government by Jupi ter. Alas ! my country ! I fear that the principles of 76 are rapidly vanishing from among us. A few years more but I shall not live to see it, thank God ! The lustre of " Virtue, Liberty and Independence /" will be tarnished and disgraced when ambition and dissimulation destroys in tegrity and patriotism ! I deprecate the principles of the present day -"Principle in proportion to Interest /" is the motto of too many. Where was the American during the Revolution who would not have been ashamed to have avowed this? COL. HARDFARE. Truly, Major, this is an un expected revolution in National affairs. The people have been gulled, in many instances, by those in power. Corruption, we know, is a grow ing evil among us. But this, we are assured, is the administration of Justice and "Reform." MAJ. DAUNTLESS. "Reform!" aye, with a vengeance, I say Col. Hardfare. "Retrench ment /" to perfection ! O Jupiter ! and Mars ! look at the gorgeous Palace ! The lofty pillars of the new portico ! The magnificent and almost regal splendour of the East room. The richness and extravagant profusion of the furniture. Those 15 immense Parisian mirrors ! and all to do honor, and to pamper the ambition of the chief Ruler of a free people. O Hercules ! Could not the plain old " Tennessee Farmer," have been satis fied with what his predecessors^ (who were all in finitely greater than /ie,) thought sufficient, ere these modern improvements were thought of? Is not the " Hero of Orleans /" sufficiently com pensated in being Chief magistrate of a free people, without the ostentatious display of regal magnificence ? O blind infatuation ! Deluded votaries of a modern Caesar ! Offer yet the crown and sceptre to your Idol will he reject it ! think yg ?**#** ***Q m y COUn _ try ! one step more and your glory is tarnished indelibly ! Freedom's bright smile will be ban ished forever ! COL. HARDFARE. God forbid! good Major! the very idea, rouses the fire of Patriotism, and true Republican feeling in the breast of Revolu tionary veterans. Would to God the rising gen eration could appreciate our patriotic energy! You are a genuine pupil of the good old Republi can school, Major Dauntless it is much to be lamented that the class to whirl) you belong is now so diminished. 16 MAJ. DAUNTLESS. We are told. Col. Hard- fare^ that this is the Reign of " Reform." Are the servants of the public to be scoffed at? Of what avail is Integrity at the present day ? Knavery can put itself above honesty, by flattering those in power. But " Liberty and Equality" is the motto we inherit from the founders of our rights. The "people" will rule, and not aparly ; and will not be thus imposed on by the imbecility of those who now arrogate the right to do so. Old as I am, I would help to drive oppression from the helm of Government, ere I will witness the pro gress of injustice andpolitical partiality. "Rights of man" is the privilege of a free people. No party violence to remove men of sterling integri ty to be supplanted by ignorance and dishones ty at the expense of the government. COL. HARDFARE, True, Major Dauntless, "Bargain and Intrigue" are but too apparent MAJ. DAUNTLESS. By the God of War, Col. Hardfare, it is too apparent to be screened. The enemy are "foiled with their own weapons" at last. They will be in a sad dilemma ere long, take my word for it. They have already got in to a quagmire from which it will be extremely 17 difficult to extricate themselves; even with their extraordinary military prowess and they may yet be compelled to appeal for a helping hand to those whom they now endeavor to crush. But they have encroached too far on the rights and privileges of the minority* and can therefore ex-* pect no mercy, or indulgence. It will be an over whelming torrent. Col. rest assured, retaliation with a vengeance. By Jupiter! and Mars! COL. HARDFARE. How have they obtained such an ascendency at the Yankee Doodle Court, Major, to appoint ami dismiss from office whom soever they please, at any time? Court favours ure precarious. M A.T. DAUNTLESS. Yes. by Hercules! Col. when we must depend on the caprice of a wo man. You must know, there is a fair medium now at the Yankee Doodle Court, when offices and promotion can be obtained to a certainly a very important Court secret, of which you shall be informed by and by, Col. COL. HARDFARE. That would certainly be very desirable at present Major, for a vast num ber of disappointed applicants. But, we may presume it would be of no avail for the now u pro scribed," who are doomed to languish out their a IS tedious days until a prospect opens to cheer their despondency. At present, the scene is extreme ly dull enough to "hang and drown" oneself. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Their despondency will be but of short duration, Major Hardfare for the consolation of the oppressed. For, although the Immaculate Princess of Influence has unlimit ed sway (at this time at Court) in the distribution of lucrative offices which a certain "insignifi cant animal, in the shape of a human being, with the skin drawn over Ws bones" * can testify, from experience. But how long its elevation will be supported, is not difficult to surmise, as it is rumoured that the War has already begun in the Great City, and will not subside until they have all turned to Clay ! Huzza ! Col. COL. HARDFARE. Bravo ! Major, but thai would be a revolution unlooked for truly and would be "plague, pestilence, and famine /" to those nmv in power would it not ? think you ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Aye, and with a vengeance, Col. we may rest assured. It is very certain that there will be a great explosion ere long in our Government, and then all the affairs of the nation will have to be set to rights by an entirely new set * A late Editor, and Government Printer, at Harris- burg Sir Li/ing: Sneak. of politicians. This paper, which I picked up one day, a few weeks since, on my way to the Palace, (where I repaired many days in succession, but to no purpose, to obtain an interview with his " Hickory" Highness,) will elucidate a great deal, and portends more than they are aware of at Court hear it : 1 Last night I saw a Goblin Grim, 'Twas haggard ! pale ! 'twas tall and slim! All hearts might quake to look at him ! It silently did glide! Yet, in its visage, wild and pale, There was portray 'd a look of wail, That something grievous will assail Some evil will betide. The Court, where all so joyous now. Before His Majesty all bow, As thus impell'd to take a vow To perfect the "Reform.'"' To turn all out of ev'ry place, Who do the present Reign disgrace, Not having all, a w Hickory" face, To take the world by storm. Brave ev'ry ill for interest sake, And for an office honor stake ! The bread from mouths of others take, To gain their own promotion. By paying Court to Hickory lords Whosepompous aspect, mirth affords, To those who now must sheath their swords. And bend in due devotion. 4 Those who are now " minority," May soon be the majority ! In turn-, assert authority ; As each must have their day. Then vice versa be " Reform." For great will be the coming storm ; Thousands of hearts are growing warm To mould a King of Clay! 5 Tho' "Hickory Clubs" are stout we know. And formidable at each blow ; Yet soon the "mighty are laid low!" When just ice holds the sword, Which proud oppression soon will feel. And to their conquerors, forcM to kneel ! Nor for protection can appeal, When "Liberty" 's the word) 6 Not " pointed bayonets" will avail. Insulted rights, will then prevail, The gorgeous Palace to assail, And force the proud to yield f Not looks of sternness will repel, Insulted patriots ! who will tell Their wrongs nor yet, " their country sell!" When justice takes the field ! Bravo! there's for you, Col. Hardfare, what think you of that? COL. HARDFARE. I certainly admit, Major, that the oppressed and insulted "minority" have spirit enough, to have a perfect ^Reform" of their own making ere long, to astonish and confound the Yankee Doodle Court. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Aye, and with a vengeance Col., rest assured. The tide is now nearly at an e&6, and will turn, rely on it. Then, what a weep ing and wailing, and a scampering there will be in the Palace, and among the sycophants who are privileged to visit the Royal family. The God dess of Liberty will yet protect the struggling votaries who invoke her aid, and we shall yet take the field in triumph. Huzza! the present incumbents of the Palace will be glad to evacuate 22 ere three years expire, and one and all write on their cards "D./. O." COL. HARDFARE. What do you mean by that, Major ? will you give a solution of that enigma J9. /. O." MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Aye, aye, Col. "P. D. Q." I assure you as they say in the Great City, among the ton and the mushroom nobility, at Yankee Doodle Court. This "D.7. 0." you must know, Col. Hardfare is a, fashionable phrase, or embel lishment on a card when dangling o^ice-seekers have lost patience at Court, and have ultimately been rejected then, " D. L O" or (to define it more satisfactorily) "d nit! I'm off!" is very appropriate, and T should add "P. D. Q." i. e. Pretty d n^d quick," in such a case. So will the phrase justly apply to the " Hawks of the Pa lace" you know, when an unexpected Revolution in public sentiment takes place. The majority must always rule, we know and that will be the case with the now " proscribed" rely on it. "Whatever is, is right." Col. And the political partiality and unjust rigour of the present "reign" will chastise and " Reform" itself in due time. COL. HARDFARE. True, Major, and a ludi crous elucidation you have given, of those myste- rious Initials. Yet very apropos when a party is vanquished, we know. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. You have no idea I see Col. of the extreme refinement that prevails at our Yankee Doodle Court, where the Princess of In fluence, the Immaculate Rosilia presides. That "amiable woman" who thus astonishes and per plexes the nation. This "D.I, O." is a favorite phrase of her Immaculate Highness, when she a- muses herself, with the woful looks of poor dis appointed office petitioners at Court. But it would certainly have the most ludicrous effect to be seen on her Immaculate Highness' own cards ere the expiration of another year. Don't you "smell a rat," Col.? COL. HARDFARE. Yes, I comprehend, Major. But had no idea of the very ludicrous solution. What else have you in that enormous pacquet ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. You shall know the con tents by and by Col. Have patience, while I com ment on each as I read, Now for another deli cious morceau : " To Her Immaculate Highness Rosilia the Prin cess of Influence, these lines are most devot edly addressed." Fair honor'd Princess ! may we pay to you ; The tribute of the heart ! thv virtue's due ! 24 Tho' high in power ! yet thoudost lowly bend To soothe the o^ce-seeker's heart ! a friend, To those who seek your aid. A guiding star, To those (who else,) would sure have wander'd far From fortune's favors: but thy smiles do cheer The darkest hour! and dry misfortune's tear ! Thy sympathy our boundless gratitude Awakens ! Princess ! may we yet obtrude A moment longer on thy notice here ? May this, and every succeeding year, Increase o/powertothyself, and thine, Perpetuate : and thus unrivalled shine, In worth and beauty tho' thy foes combine, With envy, malice, and injustice, base ! To assail the virtue which they'd feign efface ! Yet now thy ''day of triumph /" does appear, And those who've most annoyed have most to fear. Thus persecuted merit ever gains Ascendency : and envy, for its pains, When quite defeated, passively remains. Thus o'er your foes may be your triumph ever ! Prosperity and power be yours forever!" There's for you Col. Her Immaculate Highness the theme of all the rhyming puppies of the day* because she is an "amiable" woman. 25 COL. HARDFARE. Bravo! Major, how admirable! what loyal subjects this charming Princess has secured! Prince Henry J. is certainly an enviable man. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Yes, his Imperial Highness has an excellent helpmate, that is evident. She takes much of the trouble off his hands, of procur ing offices for all the insignificant puppies and coxcombs who pay their court to her Immaculate Highness. Particularly if they are a la mode and have some "Canaries" previously conveyed in a mysterious manner to the Princess ; not omitting the requisite invocation to the muses, who will favor their suit. O Jupiter ! Petticoat Govern ment! u Canaries /" and poetic effusions! Too ef feminate to reflect much honor on a ^military chieftaml" But, we must believe it to be the Reign of " Reform," Col. Hardfare, and almost perfect, by an infallible proscription. COL. HARDFARE. We, certainly bear testimo ny Major, of the salutary effects of " Reform." And there are hundreds who are as lamentable a proof of the new system. The Princes of the Royal Cabinet, are very assiduous, no doubt, Ma jor in their respective duties. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. No "mistake" there Col, 26 though some persons have the presumption to say u there is much ado, about nothing" among them. But we know, that the Duke of Intrigue is indefat igable in his station, (for the welfare of the coun- tnj, there is not a doubt ; and almost as good a pol itician as Prince Henry J. Though some say he is superior in many respects. By the by Col. that Prince of Influence is a man of some judgment in the affairs of the nation. A man of profound eru dition as we have incontestible proofs from various eloquent compositions, befitting a Prince of the Royal cabinet, and the favorite of His Ma jesty. His Influential Highness is considered a perfect Chesterjieldin politeness and refinement, (and next to the Duke of Intrigue,} the most saga cious of any among the Princes of the Reign. He "plays his cards" admirably, and, like his compet itor, will assuredly win every game in which he is engaged. The Duke of Intrigue, is also a keen observer of men and manners. Keeps an eye to his own interest (and faith Col. where is the man who does not ?) It is essential at this day. And if a Crow is such a fool as to be cheated out of her cheese through the insinuating wiles of the crafty Fox, it should not be matter of much sur prise ; as Reynard is famous for sagacity and can- 27 not incur censure for seeking his own interest and promotion even at the expense of those whom he condescends to flatter. By tlnspolitical course, he conciliates friends a wise, plan, Col. -for ''time of needf though a man is even high in pow er, this world is perpetually changing; and a man scarcely knows, now a days when he is on the riff hi side of the hedge. Perhaps Green Goblin thinks so too, if he would but confess it, although) tne formidable Editor is elevated to the digni fied station of privy counsellor to His "Hickory" Highness. Hear this, and then you will know something more of what is thought of the political character of the Grim Personage. " To Green Goblin Grim. The writer of this, wishes to correct an error iu a note you received some weeks since, wherein it was stated, that she was then decidedly in favor of the present administration. It is wished to be now understood, that she is decidedly opposed to the existing executive, when there is neither prin ciple, nor common civility, evinced by those in power toward their most zealous advocates. Therefore, ingratitude hath changed the senti ments of more than one who recently would have risked their lives in the cause. 28 For yourself. Green Goblin, you have shewn 110 great share of politeness, or Republican feel ing, to have received the several productions of an American Authoress, as a compliment, and not even to deign an Editorial notice, or an acknow ledgment of the favor, or honor of her attention in having called on you, (though not at home,) when she left her compliments and the works. But they were treated with contemptuous silence^ (which, it is now ascertained, is not incompatible with your character.) Possibly you anticipate a change in the administration, and think it most politic to suppress those works; as you will, of course, proportion principle to interest" What think you of that, Col. Hardfare ? COL. HARDFARE. I think Major, thatit evinces a spirit of independence and intrepidity, that an American Authoress has an unquestionable right to exercise over a se//-interested, and contempti ble Editor- MAJ. DAUNTLESS. There is more than one "self-interested and contemptible Editor," now imposing on the credulity of their admiring friends of the Cabinet. Let them beware ore they an- duped. Hear thi? : 29 To His Highness, Henry John, Prince of Influence, (the Royal Favorite.) "Prince Henry J. is advised by a. friend to be ware of a Serpent in the Garden of Eden, and to have an eye to his domestic happiness. A rep tile, who would traduce respectable females, to ingratiate himself with most consumate assurance? into favor with the Princess of Influence, and with the certainty of effecting his diabolical purpose, should be spurned as a pest to society, and may be admitted once too often. Prince Henry J. may rest assured, that this is not "mere woman's" af fairs. " Canary" birds sing sweetly, yet Serpents can charm them. It will be well if a reptile does not charm what is of more consequence to your Highness than a "Canary." " COL.HARDFARE. Bravo! Major, this caps the climax. Ha! ha! ha! what more have you there ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. I hope you don't wish more, on that subject, Col. It is sufficient, if pro perly understood ; and you know "a word to the wise, is sufficient." COL. HARDFARE. True, but who do you sup pose is the wily serpent alluded to in this mysteri ous paper ? 4 30 J\!AJ. DAUNTLESS. Whom would you sup pose but a Lying Sneak, recently a crony of Green Goblin Grim. A banished Editor from Pennsylvania now in office (in an inferior station) at the Great city, through the influence of the Princess Immaculate* who, moved by the sweet pleadings of two pretty u Canaries," to which was added that of a more irresistable nature, a por tion of the intoxicating essence of Court adulation -(now quite the ton) to secure her Highness' favor. COL. HA RDF ARE. You astonish me Major. Is there really such imbecility at the helm of Go vernment ? What a deplorable crisis ! by Jupiter ! for the country ! MAJ. DAUNTLESS. A melancholy fact, Col., and there is yet something truly ludicrous in the state of affairs at Court, and in the Cabinet. But it will soon take a turn and their gay times of folly will be over. COL. HARDFARE. How are they getting on in the Great City and among the Ladies of the Cabinet, as it respects friendship and harmony among themselves ? I hear of some strange oc currences. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. As to friendship, Col., do 31 not, 1 pray you, disgrace the sacred word by ap plying it there- And, as to harmony, it is mere-? ly understood as discord in their vocabulary. But, as a "house divided against itself, cannot stand securely," so we may soon see it demolished and a better one supply its place. The sooner the bet ter for the country. You have no idea of the state of society among the Royal Family, at pre sent. His " Hickory" Highness finds it extreme-f ly difficult to keep them on terms of common civi lity. There is so much distinction to be observ ed among the royal females, it is positively enough to disgust a man, and weary the patience and foi> bearance of a Saint. There's the devil to pay among them at this time I assure you, and all about an "amiable woman." A source of perpetual wrangling, discord, and jealousy. Their female Highnesses are all up in arms--and keep a con tinual buz like a swarm of bees, about the privi leges of the Princess of Influence. His > Hicko ry" Highness has to extend his Royal protection^ or she would have had her beautiful eyes picked out long ago. There's the Lady "Reform," the only female friend and champion of Her Immac ulate Highness among the whole Cabinet whom ^he fair Princess can rely on as immutable. The others (en masse) have taken a "decided stmd in arms" against Her Highnessand such an at tack will puzzle even her Military protector, with all his generalship, to parry, even when aided by his Royal friend, who has already descended from the dignity of his station to redress the wrongs of the Immaculate Rosilia, because he asserts, she is an " amiable woman," and who will presume to question it ? The Dutchess of Jlspiring* has been the greatest opponent in the female ranks against the fair and Immaculate Princess of Influ ence and that, perhaps, because she is the Roy al favorite ; and the dignified Dutchess, cannot tolerate such mushroom Royalty and from such a vulgar origin. So Her Grace has wisely with drawn from Court, (although the Palace was never so magnificent as at present,) and retired to a remote spot, in all her characteristic dignity of deportment, that so much annoyed the fair Princess of Influence who appears so beautifully insipid, and insignificant in the presence of Her Grace, the accomplished and spirited Dutchess. If aught can wound the pride and sensibility of the Princess Immaculate, it is the ineffable scorn of the noble Dutchess of Aspiring ; who openly avows her hostility to Her Immaculat e Highness "Hon. Mrs. C h n. 33 and will not be contaminated by the same atmos phere. There's female spirit for you Col. by Jupiter! I admire it! A woman of good sense and genuine wit, can support her dignity to ad-i vantage, and make a pretty novice in Court polish and etiquette look very ridiculous but the fair Princess evinces extreme sensibility, on some occasions the tears of beauty are irresistible the toughest heart is ever moved to compassion and sympathy. Faith Col., I don't know that mine, old and rugged as I am, could be hardened against an "amiable woman." We all have our weak side and you know -that a man is but a man after all and COL. HARDPARE. And a woman is but a wo man we know, Major but MA.T. DAUNTLESS. Human nature is not per fect, we know and therefore COL. HARDFARE. We should have Christian charity for each other's failings. MAJ, DAUNTLESS. Most certainly, good Col. but there should be humility and contrition (in some degree) to excite the sympathy and inter est of the charitably disposed part of the world. Whereas, there is evidently too much arrogance, and consciousness of indisputable sway *, to con- 4* 34 ciliate many friends ; even for an " amiable wo man." But the Princess of Influence knows the world and says it is a "crooked path," to get through. No doubt she has been entangled in many a labyrinth in her sojourneyings. By the by. Her Immaculate Highness is no chicken, \ can assure you Col. she "wears well" in the com mon phrase, has an imposing manner, and which, by the by, is assumed on certain occasions, as im portant to gain her Doint. Which is certainly a faculty, few among her female opponents in the cabinet can boast. She is now at the very pinnacle of nower so long as it lasts and an "amiable wo man," can surelv philosophise amid some "crook ed" paths, who has Majesty to support her on one side, and Henry J., Prince of Influence, on the other, and both military characters into the bar gain! Bravo! Col., Hurrah! for the army! the military carry the day! Love and Valor re warded! Huzza! Col. COL. HARDFARE. Why do you cry "Hazza! Col.?" I am only Col. Hard fare you know, and have no "amiable woman" to console me for be ing thrust out of office to make room for MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Aye for a rogue, who could lie himself into your place, by flattering the follies and imbecility of those who have power 35 to promote him ! Never mind Col., all will be right again in a little time. COL. HARDFARE. Perhaps so but not for me, / am forgotten now at Court. But there are some who may yet bask in fortune's favors, through the influence of the fair medium we may suppose, and obtain eligible situations from Government, since they need not despair with the help of " Canaries," you say nor yet need we, Major MAJ. DAUNTLESS. D : n the " Canaries !" Col. and the "fair medium" may go to the D I for me. I have too much honesty to cringe or bribe for an office. I fought the battles of my country, and if that does not entitle me to a liv ing in my native land let me starve, while rogues fatten and flourish on the portion of hon est men. And this, they impose on us as " Re- form" but the day of retribution will arrive. Many, like myself, have dragged out weeks and months in the metropolis to no purpose, but to leave what cash they took with them to circulate among the greedy citizens, who have become like sharks, since the present administration has ren dered the circulation of specie so scarce. I could not get zfive dollar United States' bill changed on my arrival early in the season, but for mutilated 36 rags of corporation currency, which will soon be of no more value than our continental bills after the Revolutionary war. This is a "tough Hick" or// 1 ' lime, truly! even in the Great City where hundreds of good men are also "turned out" to sl.jirvo, because they did not contribute to the ele vation of an Idol, who is now worshipped by an infatuated par! y, who will soon repent their folly, as the " Hickory"* club, is transformed to a rod of iron. Some of the party have recovered then- senses in time to save their credit and we may soon see a complete revolution in the Cabinet, and honesty, and modest merit rewarded. Huz za- 1 for a triu.nph! COL. HARDFARE. Well, truly Major, these are great proceedings at the Great city, I have form ed a droll idea of Yankee Doodle Court. Come, let us drink bumpers (of cider, mind you, for we can afford no champaigne or madeira now we are "proscribed") to the downfall of the present ad ministration of political injuctice and oppression. Thank God, I can sleep soundly in my humble mansion, far from the cares, and broils, and tur moils of a Court. Eat my crust, and drink the produce of my orchard. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Yes, Col. Hardfare, you have yet possession of what, even Royalty cannot. 37 deprive you; a conscience, clear as this glass of sparkling cider, which, with this brown bread, the staff of life, and this chunk of cheese, will prevent that fashionable disease dispepsia which should only torment a Court. I should have caught it myself, or rather it would have caught me had I become a favored visitor there. So I console my self for reverse of fortune; swallow our hard fate, and sleep soundly without an anodyne. Good night Col, Hardfare, remember Major Dauntless's philosophy CHAPTER II. . HARDFARE. Good morning Maj. Daunt less, how did your old bones rest last night, after your long journey to this quiet valley, and after our political repast? I suppose that Morpheus visited you uninvoked with his poppies, and af forded you a pleasing respite ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Yes, Col. a sound constitu tion and a clear conscience, is the greatest bless ing in life. Even amid reverse of fortune, and abject poverty itself, these can soothe and remune rate us. And if we are forgotten by the world, since Dame Fortune, or Court favor has forgot ten us, why should we repine, when our journey of life is so near at an end. Though it is certain ly cruel to be thus curtailed by "proscription" we are those of other days the times that "tried men's souls!" But their toils! their struggles! are forgotten amid the luxury and ingratitude of the present day. Thank God ! Col. we are drop- 99 ping into oblivion like the "autumnal leaves" of the forest ! We soon must mingle with the dust of the land for which we fought ! A few a very few more winters ! and not a vestige will re main of the patriotic defenders of the soil ! Oh ! my Country ! my Country ! How dear to the heart of the soldier, is the soil for which he bled! my dying benediction shall be thine! al though (I almost choak to utter it !) I am unre quited in helpless age, and reverse of fortune, in the land for which I fought and bled, in the ar dour of youthful patriotism ! But, let it pass ! yet, ah! Col. Hardfare, I fear that the love of power is a growing evil among the great Self interest! injustice! dissimulation! and all the catalogue of evils prevailing, since the great ! the Immortal Washington! (the only true father of his country!) has been taken from us! My soul is sick of the contrast. Let me sink to rest! There is nought now worth living for ! - let a de voted Patriot die ! and be forgotten ! COL. HARDFARE. Heaven forbid! good Ma jor Dauntless, that the signal services of the Re volutionary Heroes, should be obliterated from the remembrance of all Americans ! True, we live but to regret the errdrs and follies of the present 40 day. But the storm of oppression may soon sub side, and all be well again. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Heaven grant it may, Col, But what think you of the ingratitude, as well as injustice, that prevails at Court ? COL. HARDFARE. That we ought to know is. a matter of course, good Major ! why should that surprise you ? It has ever been the case we read T in the history of all Courts and why should we suppose our Yankee Doodle Court, would not endeavour to exhibit a. perfect imitation of Roy alty? False promises are the characteristic fea tures of Majesty, and power makes itself con spicuous by instability, even to sycophants. Nothing so precarious as Court smiles and favors, Major. It looks like dignity, you know, to awe the multitude, and command the homage of as tonished and admiring fools. Truth wears too plain a garb to be admitted at Court and blunt honesty is too antiquated it would be laughed at, among the polished princes of "jRe/orm." We are now advancing rapidly in civilization and refinement, as a great and powerful nation, it is very evident so we must submit the direction of national affairs to the wise princes of the Yankee Doodle Court : and rest assured there is more than one Solomon among them. The "ivise men 41 f Gotham^ are there to a certainty Major, we are the humble subjects of a wise and glorious reign of " Reform." MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Aye, Col. Hardfare, if we are satisfied to be "led by the nose ;" but, for myself, I have not the good fortune to possess sufficient prominency of that dignified feature, (like the Green Goblin) and it would be ex tremely difficult, for even the most resolute among them, or their contemptible party, to attempt any such discipline with old Major Dauntless. I have fire enough yet in my composition to blow them all to the D 1 ere / will be trampled on. Here is a manuscript, which merits attention from all true supporters of our national rights and pri vileges hear it, and I will elucidate more fully hereafter. "The present administration is evidently the reign of Despotism, under the garb of Republi canism, however policy may endeavour to veil it. Many of the people already feel the rod and writhe under the unjust and indiscriminate course pursued by those in power. Murmurings are al ready heard, and dissatisfaction is apparent in many countenances, recently expressive of plea sure and pride at th change of administration. 5 Alas ! "poor human nature /" Too much pros perity can change even those, whom it was thought, were superior to circumstance or situa tion. Splendour, and unbounded devotion from enthusiastic thousands, can ('HUSO even the stern and rugged soldier, to forgot himself! Yes! to forget that his dignified station is* the gift of the "people," and he should not now forget, and even insuli his friends ; and thus compel them to become his enemies ; after they have most enthu siastically espoused his cause. At least, not .so ungallantly to have wounded the feelings of an American jHutiioress, whoso pen has been iride- fatigably devoted to the "Hero," for at least/c/)/r years! And with the most unparralleied disin terestedness, as is evident from so early a date. Yet her talents, however feeble, arc her only re source. She wrote in praise of the u //ero, r through a purely patriotic motive, until her no tional ardour impelled her into difficulties of u. pecuniary nature, which had for some length of time placed her, and those who depend on her exertions, in a situation inconceivably embarrass ing. This was well known to the great person age, whose military achievements have been- the i home of her productions, and to whom she was 43 at length compelled to make application, as to the father of her country, and in behalf of her aged father, who for many years, has experienced reverse of fortune was a Revolutionary patriot, and an officer of rank and fortune. But now, (Alas!) at the advanced age of eighty-one years, depending on the success of a daughter's literary productions ; who, herself, born to better fortune, has long contended with an overwhelming tor rent of oppression and injustice. This is indeed, a case unparralleled! The appeal was in vain! Magnificence and luxury, amid the adulation of a Court, has rendered the "//sroV heart, callous to the calls of humanity. Let it bo not recorded on the annals of our country, that the man, who had the support of the "people," to exalt him to the first place in the nation; could, on the appli cation of one of the female writers of the country, (and one to whose pen he is obligated,) whom lie had previously received in the most gracious and conciliating manner; and although but a few months had elapsed to then, through caprice or the interference of some malicious political ene my, refuse her admittance to his august presence : until, on a second application and then, to have been reluctantly admitted into his princely man- 44 sion : Where, after an hour had elapsed in sus pense, this great personage made his appearance. But, not with the deportment of one, who had been so long eulogised by the pen of the unas suming individual, who thus humbly craved his attention for a few moments, although she had been enthusiastic enough in her patriotic feelings four years previous, to have devoted many days for a theatrical exhibition* in honor of the " Hero /" where herself and daughter, took the principal characters in the Drama, and at no small expense and fatigue. This was a volun tary act; and would not have been thus spoken of in this place, but to shew the ingratitude of which some men are capable. The look of savage ferocity with which this formidable per sonage burst into the parlour, where his visiter sat alone and defenceless; (perhaps her sear, for tunately for her, at that moment of his unac- pQuntafyle rage, prevented her being kicked out of doors ; as his voice and manner indicated a cor responding hostility,) and who arose with all due respect for the great personage, who then strode up to her in the most threatening and appalling * Cincinnati, (O.) March 25ih, 1825 Among the highly respectable Thespian corps of that city. 45 manner, declaring in a hurried and ferocious tone, that lie was "very much engaged at that time, and had not a moment to spare then, nor for some weeks." Not even deigning to recog nise the eulogiser of his military achievements and his triumphs. Also one, who had boldly vindicated the virtues of his late persecuted con sort ; and in defiance of her numerous enemies. Where was the gratitude of a man, so recently elevated to the exalted station of Chief Ruler, of the greatest Republic in the world ? Where was the wonted gallantry of the soldier ? Where the respect for the female character ? Is there really but one "amiable woman" among the sex, that all others are to bo treated with insolence ? Indeed, such was the effect produced on the mind of his unoffending visitor, by the extraordi nary and unjustlfiabh deportment and language of the Military Despot, that years will not efface it from her memory. She was an unprotected depressed woman an Authoress, and a candi date for the literary patronage of her countrymen. Here stood the man whom she had for years made the theme of her poetic flights, and several litera ry productions. No compliment or compensa tion, had he ever tendered her none had she 46 craved or solicited, for those services. But nou\ at the very zenith of his power, she modestly ap peared to crave his suffrage not so much for herself and daughter, as for her aged and infirm parent, now bowed to the earth with complicated misfortunes, and bearing a wearisome existence in the land for which he fought. But the proud personage stood aloof! His towering figure stood more erect than usual, and with a reced ing step, he even repulsed her respectful greet ing, as he drew back in disdain ! Oh ! arro gance ! and inhumanity ! how despicable in a man elevated by the "voice of thepeo,/e," to the highest seat in the nation! An individual on whom the nation has heaped honors and magnifi cence, equal to any sovereign in Europe, (and certainly incompatible with a republican govern ment,) should have evinced his gratitude by attending to the petition of filial affection and duty at least, from one to whose pen he mi7?t consider himself indebted. But, alas ! there is lit tle to hope from those in power, when circum stance and situation can change them so material ly. Short will be the reign of tTrogant power? Sovereigns are influenced by the i> ministers, but thanks to the framers of our gh restitution* 47 and *hose who established our liberties on a per manent basis, that if our Chief Ruler prove a Tyrant, or a Despot, his reign is limited. And another will succeed who may administer justice. The energies of those who have extolled false merit, are not to be paralized by the coldness of ingratitude. There are stars of superior bril liance yet to succeed; and to the West we look for more illumination than at present we receive from the Palace, even with its brilliant decora tions, and the (supposed) combination of talent in the Cabinet." COL. HARDFARE. True! on the honor of a soldier. And who do you suppose is the author of these bold remarks ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. A woman Col., and no other than the insulted and indignant Authoress of the " Hero's" late brilliant " Triumph." I give her credit for exposing the baseness of those who had professed for her the warmest friendship, and th'is fulfilled the sacred promise with a ven geance ! by Jupiter ! COL. HARDFARE. These are glorious times Major. I blush for that exalted personage who lost sight of his own dignity, when he forgot the respect due to the writer who eulogised him at 48 the expense of friends and loss of pecuniary re sources. "O shame ! where is thy blushf" "In-! gratiude" is the greatest of crimes. And no man can be called truly great who may be charged with it. The literary services of a female have e- ver a claim on her countrymen and much more from the personage in question. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Do you forget that this is the Reign of "Reform," Col.? The order of things is reversed. But let us remember that the "people" rule, and the first step toward Despot ism must be checked, or our liberty will be barter ed for chains. "Reform" and "Retrenchment," say they. Oh! truly, with a vengeance! 'tis a " tough Hickory" day and lamentable indeed, when "charity" is the expiring hope of the remnant of despised Revolutionary veterans. 'Tis cold con solation truly ! and cold enough at Court, God knows. The last place to look for it on earth. By the by, I have the copy of the letter, or petition* addressed to His Hickory Highness, from the daughter of the superannuated veteran and revolu tionary patriot the father of the Authoress and which will convince you of the " milk of hu man kindness" that is to be found at Court, and with a Hero of renown toward the veterans of 49 tar I if wars -whose unobtrusive character has an indubitable claim on Majesty itself! But, alas ! not even filial piety, Oh ! no ! for he never knew the sublime sensations of a parent's heart, toward a dutiful daughter struggling for a parent's support ; and then to be spurned ! insulted ! Oh Col. it is too much ! even that letter] will you believe me ? was treated with contemptuous silence. Yes, by the God of War ! and to the eternal disgrace of Majesty ! COL. HARDFARE. You weep! Major! By Heaven the heart-feh tears of the honest soldier are glory to him they are recorded on Heaven's great tablet ; and I revere you for your noble sympathy for a fellow creature. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Alas! 'tis all /have to give; but yor are astonished Col. at a symptom of com mon humanity in these "tough Hickory" times? That's true, they are tough enough, God knows ! B 't hope there'll soon be an end to them Col., that's our consolation, though / may not live to see it. No matter ! it will be all over with old Major Dauntless before long but, let him get the irh nip, o 4? the u ra ovf of the fta^r" first Col., as it is T who am in possession of more Court secrets than they are aware of. Let me get to the* climax, before I get shoved oil' into old * Dnry Jones'* locker," as the sailor says ; and by the Go.! of War! Col., the most honest class of men in the world give me a Jack Tar yet for liberality and integrity. I have known many of them, and speak from experience. The Duke of Twig, 1 dare say, lias his hands full of business for the Navy. He should be a patient man, for the.-;- honest fellows deserve attention. They toil harder than the army, and should be as well paid, if not better ; and every grievance listened to with patient respect for the character of the sailor. How an honest tar despises the "land lubber," who is mean, and mercenary, and cold hearted! "D n me!" says Jack, "you land tortoise! you are not worth a toss to the shark ft ! or the D Ps own fetching!" True enough Col., we should fare better with a sailor at the helm of go vernment. At all events, we should haye free access to the Palace, and "sailor's rights," in the ship -don't you think so Col.? COL. HARDFAUE. We could not certainly faro worse than at present, that's true but patience ! MAJ. DAUNTLESS, Very true. It is a"/on# lane that has no turn," you know so let us pray for fair weather and a better pilot, to get us through in these tumultuous times, or "D. I. O."old as I am. to some spot in the western wilds, where I can laugh at the turmoils of a Yankee Doodle Court. COL. HARDFARE. That "D. I. O." is an ex cellent phrase in some cases, Major. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. It is si/|>er-excellent, and so very applicable as you observe, in "some cases." Her Immaculate Highness is delighted to see these initials on the cards of some poor disap pointed applicants for office, who have danced attendance at Her Highness's drawing room, for months in succession, and at length had to retire from " Court," with empty pockets, and an aching heart. Time to "be off!" you know, Col. COL. HARDFARE. Why did they not procure ; Canaries ?" ?>[AJ. DAUNTLESS. Ah! that indeed! I sup pose the poor fellows were not in possession of this important Court secret. But I do not think even " Canaries," without the introduction of a couplet, or sonnet, addressed to Her Immacul ate Highness's "eye brows," would have been of any avail. Apropos I I have one of those irresista- ble compositions now in my pacquet, and will read it for your benefit, if you should be disposed to apply at Court, or to the fafr and Immaculate Princess of Influence. You may i*ow have some 52 idea o^the style and manner requisite to succeed. It is anonymous, and written in a beautiful dan dy-like hand, most exquisitely fine. It has pro bably been unfortunately lost by some of the Court Butterflies, before it met the eyes of Her Immaculate Highness, which has assuredly griev ed the poor devil in office. Hear it ! "To Her Immaculate Highness, Rosilia, Fair Princess of Influence, these lines are most Devotedly addressed : " O charming Princess ! do accept our thanks, Your intercession keep us " in the ranks." We're at your service e'en by night or day, To fight your cause, ! So, prithee ! hold your sway. Smile still enchantin ? !y ! We know your pow'r f We're sure of 'offices at any hour! For Majesty itself can ne'er deny, When you solicit, with a smile, or sigh ! To serve your friends who never will forget. Their obligation and reward you yet. Prince Henry may need friends we're at com mand, Your smiles we prize, and kiss your liberal hand. You hold the reins ! a nation bows to you, The favorite Princess! then receive your due; The homage of our hearts ! your course pursue ! To speak our thanks e'en language is too weak; " Canaries," praise you and Sir Lying Sneak : Whose petite figure in your reticule, Might safe be screen'd a pretty " lady's fool." For he's at variance, with Goblin Grim, But you'll protect will surely shelter him. Altho' his sneaking figure is well known, He is a " perfect gentleman" we own. As such who'd dare to question his veracity ? But all the Lying Sneaks have much audacity." COL. HARDFARE. Admirable! indeed Ma jor ! but, in some measure, enigmatical. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. O it's well understood at the great City and at Court. Double entendre is something belonging to Court< you must know, Col., and we must have a little for eign etiquette and ton to give a little polish and refinement to our Yankee Doodle Court, where the nobility play "High Life below Stairs," and will serve to amuse the world, with some ludicrous scenes, at all events. It proves what they would do if they could. What would some of our Immortal patriots of former times, think and say about this wonderful reign of "Reform," could they see it now, and the dazzling splendor of the Yankee Doodle Court, in these Hickory times? Their 6 54 spirits would sigh at the folly and vanity of li poor human nature !" But, what would astonish them most, would be the great dissention about an " amiable woman," and all the affairs of the na tion thrown into confusion, through that, and va rious other causes. " Too many cooks" we know, always make confusion and waste; especially when they don't understand their business. One thing, however, is very certain, that every hireling looks for his pay, whether it has been earned or not. But " Reform," will settle and arrange eve ry thing to the best advantage, we may rest as sured, Col. I will now tell you a ludicrous cir cumstance that took place while I was in the great City : strolling alone on the great prome nade near the Palace, I met a boy carrying a pair of u Canaries" (you laugh, already, Col.) of most delicate plumage : who were jumping about and singing most joyfully ; (as well they might, you say, when they were to be so honored) and the very emblems of innocence, (you smile significant, ly, Col.) I stopped to amuse myself, and asked the boy, where he was going to take them ? " To the Princess of Influence," said he, "also this let ter." "Oh! a billet doux!" I exclaimed. "Hern! truly I- all right, boy," (very romantic and complimentary! thought I.) "What did those birds cost ?" " Twenty doZkrs,sir, cage and all' 5 "Indeed!" I exclaimed, "a very moderate sum. truly, to procure (without fail) an office of $1500 per annum. Hem! and the ' billet douxj boy, is from the same person ? I suppose." tt JVYw /" ut tered the boy with a look of stupidity. "What is his name ?" I demanded, " Why I dont remember his name, but I know its not like " Billy .Do." : Well, it's from the gentleman who sends the ' Canaries ,' is it not ? Who is he ?" "I don't know ; but he's only a little man who is come to see the great folks at the Palace, and above there." " O, true ! boy, every " little man," is not a gentleman, we know. Put you have some trou ble with those birds ; will he recompense you ?" " 1 don't think as how he has much pence for him self, for he has been a month at our hotel, and Master always contrives to get all the money, be- case he belongs to the Jackson folks, and I heard 'em say, they will take all they get hold of. The little man belongs to the Jackson folks, and says he will have money enough when he gets his office, and then he'll pay all his debts." Here I burst into an immoderate fit of laughter, at the simplici ty of the poor boy, who appeared quite satisfied to wait for the fulfilment of the promise, of one of 56 the "Jackson folks," which will certainly not prove fallacious ; and with the intercession of" Cana ries," and a poetical billet doux ! O Jupiter ! what a ludicrous state of affairs at the great City. COL, HARDFARE. Yes, truly, Major, I should be apprehensive of having such flocks of " Cana ries," from all parts of the Union were J Prince of * Influence," that I should certainly limit these gallant presents to her Immaculate Highness They will certainly be a very great incumberance to remove, among many other superfluous trifles in her Highness's establishment. Why, Major, there is, truly, a bird mania at the Yankee Doo dle Court. What will be the result of this folly ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. It would be well for us, and too many others, Col. Hardfare, if there were not a more formidable and destructive "mania," among the Princes of the reign of " Re form," to spread ruin and desolation throughout the country. They are running mad with "pro scription" COL. HARDFARE. Verified alas! by too many r But, the influence of that " amiable woman" at Court, should be limited or entirely stopped. It must soon get to the climax. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Ah! Col. Hardfare, you are an old bachelor, and do not consider the ir- 57 resistible power which an "amiable woman," ob tains over the susceptible hearts of men of senti ment and extreme sensibility. The Immaculate Rosilia is the Princess of Influence ; and conse quently her will a law. There, you have it ! Do you want an office, Col.? If you have any serious ideas of making application, you are now in possession of the secret ; and are indebted to me for the discovery. Ha! ha! ha! Col. COL. HARDFARE. Spare me! good Major. I thank you for the interest you take for my wel fare but. so long as my fields afford me suste nance, and my daily labour about my little ground, secures to me a sound constitution, and a con tented mind I would spurn their favors at Court, when they are to be purchased by adulation and dissimulation, at the expense of my conscience. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Bravo! good Col., you are my own man ! Give ine your hand ? I revere your sentiments, "An honest man's the noblest work of God !" Princes are too fond of the intoxicating essence of flattery. I am a plain old soldier, and cannot lie against my conscience. The coward who can do so, obtains the reward of his baseness, 6* CHAPTER I1L MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Well Col. Hardfare, the weather is now getting fine, as Spring is about to enliven the face of nature with her vivid decora tions. Truly the beautiful green of the smiling valley, with all its buds of vegetation, are infinite ly more grateful to my senses than all the mag nificence of the Yankee Doodle Court. Their levees, and their v.'rangling about distinction, (and the d 1 knows what else,) will never procure them one hour of real happiness. Here is the vale of contentment and peace. Here, beneath the green umbrage of your groves in May I can sit retired from the bustle of a Metropolis, and meditate on the follies of the day. Zounds Col., I have been so vexed at the crowd of monkies I saw in the great City, who call themselves "wen," that I could scarcely keep my temper within bounds, as they strutted about the streets and crossed my path continually like so many skeletons dressed, or laced up in fine broad cloth and gay silks, (Oh ! Jupiter? and Mars!) like petite maitres newly im ported from Paris. They will soon have to change their delicate rattans and dandy canes, with gold head?;, for stout " Hickory clubs," if their delicate hands could wield them to defend their dear little effemir.nte persons from the chastisement they merit for their impertinence; and which their con summate insolence should receive from plain hon est men. By the God of War ! Col. Hard fare, I would ask no better sport, than to have a regiment of such delicate animals fora day thus equipped in Court attire squeezed into corsets by the Lord Harry and their delicate hands cased in white kid gloves. Their huge artificial whiskers and must aebios, will answer for modern vizors, to screen their pale faces. Their scull-caps will do for a helmet. Whale bone, will supply the place of steel breast plates, under their delicate coloured sattin vests, and other dandy equip ments, which will shew off to advantage. What a beautiful variegated field of battle we should have displayed to regale the eye, Ilk;? a garden of tulips and hyacinths to please the ladies, who could, no doubt, figlit better themselves ./when put GO to the test. What a fine era is this ! Col. it is time that a rugged old soldier of '78 was taking a quiet sleep with his fathers beneath the green sod of the valley. Fops and fools, now-a-days, at tempt to govern the community. Common sense is getting out of fashion since the commencement of the reign of " Reform ;" and it is almost impos sible to comprehend them at the Yankee Doodle Court, they are getting so polished and refined. Profane language among the females Col. would also be the ton, as I heard a lady observe, were it not "too d n'd vulgar for ladies." COL. HARDFARE. Ah ! Major, we old soldiers of plain times are indeed getting out of date, and are literally kicked out of society for our honesty and candour. It is a reproach to those who pos sess neither. We suffer, in a measure ; but we eat the bread of our own labour ; and are truly independent. Our homely meal is more condu cive to health and comfort than all the refine ments of luxury furnished for the glittering boards of the affluent : which a wanton extravagance dis plays to pamper their appetites, and command ad miration but, u disgust will succeed to satiety." COL. HIRDFARE. Aye, Col. you have no idea of the luxury and profusion of the Yankee Doodle Court. Besides, the constellation of female beau- 01 ty, taste and fashion, would dazzle your old eyes, and bewilder your brain. There's the fair and youthful Princess of Insignificance, niece to his Hickory Highness -and there is also the modest and truly amiable Countess of Dictate (lady of his Majesty's private secretary,) another of the Royal family and a third, the commanding and super cilious Lady Criterion (all inmates of the Pa lace) who has not the advantages of youth, and beauty ; nor the least pretentions to elegance. Yet her ladyship makes herself quite conspicuous in the Palace ; as all matters of taste are referred to her decision; who in some respects differs from Lord Criterion, who will not bear too close an en croachment on his rights and privileges in the decorations of the Palace. The Princess of Insig nificance, is so languidly beautiful, and unobtru sive, that Her Highness serves merely to embel lish the drawing room, like some other super fluous articles recently transported there. This very timid fair one, has studied the graces to per fection, and she knows well how to assume a lan guid and pensively beautiful attitude. The Countess of Dictate is something inferior in this charm ; and also a little tinctured with affectation -Imperious too, (when she wishes to make a dis- play of her privileges in the Palace,) like the Lady Criterion. These ladies of the "Hickory" family, seem to think they have an unquestiona ble right to exercise their authority, and assert their consequence on some occasions ; and would (if possible), exclude the "amiable" Princess of Influence from gaining access to His "Hickory" Highness. But the Countess of Dictate must not encroach too far in that quarter, she may rest as sured or, all the "fat will be in the fire," and a great blaze it will make in the Palace. For, His Hickory Highness has already threatened to send the noble Countess of Dictate, to her "native western wilds" if she persists in her hostility to the Immaculate Princess of Influence, when His Majesty has so repeatedly declared, that her High ness is an " amiable" woman. But, it seems thp Royal females of the Palace are still obstinate and refractory, even surpassing many who keep up the animosity and repugnance to her Immaculate Highness in the great City ; and thus there is as much confusion, and serious disputing among them, as for the fair Helen during the Trojan war though the beauty of the fair Grecian was unrivalled and she might have been an "amia ble" woman also, for aught we know to the con- frary at all events, she made as much noise at Court. Many a woman has overturned an em pire, and it is evident His Majesty has his tur moils at the Yankee Doodle Court, even amid the very bosom of his Royal family, and all about an "amiable woman." So there's no knowing how it may terminate yet in the great City, in such a critical state of affairs. At all events, the busi ness of the nation, should not be set aside, or neglected, to investigate (or advocate, without in vestigating,) the merits of an insignificant female, who has neither family, talents, education, or good breeding to entitle her to such distinction and influence, as a blind partiality has endowed her with. The Countess of Dictate has it in her power, it seems, to exclude what other visit ers her lady ship may deem proper, from access to the Palace, and from the Royal favor, by issuing her lady ship's commands (or even those of the lady Criterion} to the honest porter; who is, no doubt paid well for his private services, and fidelity to his employers. Don't you smell a rat ? here too. Col. COL. HARDFARE. Why Major Dauntless, you take one by surprise, like an active general in the 64 field. I really do begin to suspect there is more in the present state of affairs, than is "dreamed of in our philosophy." Well MAJ. DAUNTLESS. This honest Pat Mister Jamie Mac Faddle O'Claugherty, is certainly the most competent fellow that could have been ap pointed. In the first place, he has genuine hon esty too much so for any Court. By the by Col., did you ever know an honest son of Erin betray his trust. COL. HARDFARE. I cannot say that I did. The honor of an Irishman is proverbial, we know. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Beyond a doubt, Col. " Touch my honor," says Pat, "and you touch my life /" There's spirit for you. Well Col., this Mister Mac Faddle O'Claugherty, (poor sovvl!) has scarcely time to say his prayers ; for he is to be seen from day-light in the morning, until star light the next day, like a true sentinel, ever at his post. Go to the Palace at what hour you will, and you are sure to see Mister O'Claugherty 's un covered head, (and looking as though it partook of the uproar of the Yankee Doodle Court,) make its appearance from the grand entrance, ready to know your commands. By the by, only a select few can now gain admittance within the massy twites of the Palace yard since tlie lift guards have been stationed there, with their glittering weapons, to keep off the rabble who have been too ardent in their devotions at Court; But / think it was only requisite to see Mister Mac Fad- die O'Clauuherty's carrolty colored head pop out at the Palace door, to deny admittance before it is asked, (according to orders, no doubt,) for the honest fellow has become a perfect machine^ and moves his wise looking head mechanically from his right shoulder to his left* (like a Chinese Mandarin,) several times ere he speaks, on the appearance of a visitor, (if a stranger) which inano3uvre is evidently indicative of repulse. At length when Mister Pat (as the spirit moves him) prepares to speak, it is ever in an under tone, as if apprehensive of being over heard by some one in the Palace. This is the effect of his office. The honest fellow, is no doubt conscious of being a mere tool fot Royalty, and is afraid to utter a lie audibly, for fear the Devil might hear him and re member it in purgatory. COL. HARDFARB. Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! Won't he take a bribe ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. That ItZow&f. Anhone&t Pat will never betray his patrons. A yankee 7 .i, we know Col. I'mt Sir Lying Sneak, the !-o; <>l the I'nneess of liifhu'ii.t ' . a ii ted me lir : li?,|ied ;i firi' iloltiir noli info the. hand ol >1 1 - Hi MM raddle, u lio h;i(i [.osiliveiy n-1'ns' d liitn admittance on his ^/irsf acquaintance at Ccnirl ; al- h Ins Vhijc: Iv h:ul seen Sir Snc.-ik 1 lie day pro- . .-itid li.-nl (according loSu Sm-nlSx Mcc.ount, iciiicinhcr) invited him u lo il'mi:" wild his l\l;i- oii (he iollowin^ diiy- Of this, Mister i\l:ir l';iddle VV;IN i:'iioi;int i! : cr -MI .-., ;nnl when SirSneal-. produced his care/, and Aii,^inl< nl clmi'ui" \\lneh (ii'len in nil countries, has opened :i l';ihee door, ;i ;id \\lnch ncted like B/CC- /<;//// on the ohdiinile lieiut r not hav ing l;\w\n\ yo lor Sir L*i'n\ Sm-uk hefore." COL. HARDFARE. Ha! ha! ha! and so lit * sneaked" into the Palace did he? Krnvo! :i orood plan! MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Ah Col., no doubt of Ihtil , even in defiance of the l\<>y;il mandates. I'm that fellow would sneak any where to get. his pur pose answered, which is ever of the most villan- ous kind. Yes Col., (according to sneak's ac count) he got into the Royal apartment, by means which seldom fail. But here was a ludi crous scene to follow : there was a poor im portunate office seeker (who had probably sneak-' ed into the anti-chamber many hours successively for several days to no purpose) wailing the clemency of his .Majesty, and seeing the insig nificant figure of Sir Srieak commanding such homage from the inflexible IHistc r M < Fuddle; he deemed it a favorable moment to plead h: cause, and slipped into the audience parlour; (alas! poor devil! he was ignorant of the clinrm, which Sir Sneak had ri.-ade use of to effect his entre) and was obtruding, unperceived by the (hitherto, too vigilant) bustling Mister O'Chmgh- erty, who was then ( nu.ij:< d plaCirig the < Chair of State for ins .Majesty, and another loi his sneaking visiter, and v I" uting np the crim- 68 son cushions, and doing every possible honor to his Majesty's visiter; when suddenly the poor office hunter (evidently fatigued with having stood for whole days in the cold anti-chamber) popt in to the luxurious chair that was placed for Sir Sneak ; and in the full spirit of " Liberty and Equality," forgeting it is the u Reign of Reform" Bat short was the poor fellow's dream of happi ness, Mister Mac Faddle, in the full spirit of in sulted dignity for his patrons, darted forward like a true Pat, and seizing the trembling culprit by the collar, whirled him out of his luxurious sta tion, to a remote corner of the outer room, say ing as he pushed him out, "stay there ye Mister Mac Impudence, (shaking his finger in a threat ening manner, to the no small amusement of Sir Sneak, who laughed in his sleeve,) and don't at tempt to come out of that corner agin, 'till his Majesty has seen Sir Sneak, and condescends to see you, when he is at leisure. Take your sent Sir Sneak,his Majesty will be with ye presently. Och ! how that impertinent fellow has 'pothered me." COL. HARDFARE. A comical fellow that Mis" ter O'Claugherty, and, no doubt an excellent por ter. It requires some shrewdness to act in tha t capacity, we may suppose. He has a \ r ariety of character to call his attention continually, and it is impossible that all should get in his favor. If he has received positive orders "not to admit cer tain persons !" he dare not disobey ; and, of course, mast be thought surly, and even insolent, by some ; while others, no doubt, think Mister Mac Faddle one of the most obliging and goodnatured Pats in the service of the " Yankee Doodle Court." It is really a difficult task to please every body. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. True Col., but he is well paid ta displease certain persons, it is thought. The management of the Princess of Influence, is admirable in some instances. Mark this ! Not a visitor of distinction can gain admittance at Court, that her Immaculate Highness does not know it. Aye, and knows who has been received graciously, and who has been repulsed : although her Highness does not reside in the Palace. But. Alberto (thaifaithful and wisely educated slave,) receives, and conveys all cards from Mister Jamie Mac Faddle O'Claugherty, for his "Hickory" Highness and the Royal family, and then care fully conveys them, (according to orders from herself) to his mistress, the Princess of Influence, who expects them regularly every evening, to be 7 * 70 informed what personages visited the Palace daily. Her Highness adorns her drawing room mantle- glass, and card-racks, with the motley collection , and absolutely to overflowing, past enumerating. You would infer Col., from appearances, that all those great Personages, had done her Highness the honor I beg her Immaculate Hijhn^ss's par don liad done themselves the superlative plea sure of calling on her Highness. No such thing Col.; rest assured that is all a hoax! Her Hisjhness's drawing rooms could not contain one- fourth of the persons, whose splendidly embossed cards embellish her mantle, exposed to the view of those who have the good fortune to be in her Highness' s good graces. / saw the card of Sec retary Rush,* and hundreds whose names I can not now recollect; and which, perhaps, they would not thank me to remember, (as they were second hand from the Palace.) By this admira ble stratagem, her Immaculate Highness obtains all the important information requisite for her pur poses. Bravo ! Col., give me a woman at any time for Court intrigue and proper management, jn the affairs of the nation. Some say that her Highness, by this means, obtained the cards of several distinguished ladies of the Court, who *0n my Tisit at the Great City last spring, 71 have declared they would sooner die! than visit her Immaculate Highness, although she isthe/?oy- al favor it e,a,nd an " amiable" woman. I also heard they went one day en masse, and entering her High- ness's drawing room, ere she was aware, each took her own cards by dozens from her Highness's man tle and departed, sans ceremonie. But what does it avail ? The Princess of Influence obtains the usual supply every evening from her faithful slave, and also an official account of all that transpires at the Palace from day to day. Thus the supercili ous Countess of Dictate, (though a Royal inmate) must be completely out-generalled, by the superior tactics of the Princess of Influence. But the Countess retaliates all in her power, on all those who dare presume to countenance the Immaculate Princess. I saw the lady who had been paying court first to the Princess of Influence, ere she dared venture to call at, the Palace. In fact she was under the necessity of applying to the Prince of Influence for a passport to the Royal presence, as she had absolutely been several times repulsed at the Palace, by Mister Mac Faddle, (who, no doubt had his orders,) as she was a stranger at Court, and ignorant of court etiquette : business, (not curiosity) had brought her to the Palace? and she \f as too much a Republican to be charm ed with court splendor. This, the Countess of Dictate, it seems, was aware of; and also, that the lady in question, was an American Authoress, and the purport of her visit, on thai day, to present a copy of her late work mduefarm^ to his Majesty. She succeeded in gaining- access to the no little vexation, (no doubt,) of the noble Countess of Dictate. This was at the commencement of the Reign of tt Reform," and his Hickory Highness's u triumph^ (so large an edition) over his political foes must have been very grateful, for his Ma jesty received his visitor very graciously at that time. But pn calling at the Palace a few days after, with a copy of the same work in a. plain but neat cover, for the Countess of Dictate^ and sent in by the obliging Mister Mac Fuddle O'Claugh- erty, with a complimentary card, they were both returned with a very insolent and laconic message, (and quite beneath the dignity of the Countess of Dictate, a member of the Royal family,) that she "did not w ant the book ; and had seen his Ma- jest if s, which, was quite enough for her!" and as to the card it was not allowed to be inihe Palace* we may suppose ; for it was packed out sans-ce- remonie to the lady, who was allowed the great privilege of witing in a carriage at the great For- 73 lico, half ari hour in suspense, until dismissed by the message of the accomplished Countess of Dic tate who will certainly polish and refine the Yan kee Doodle Court to her own mind; provided^hcY ladyship can effect her purpose of excluding en tirely the Princess of Influence from any parti cipation of Court affairs! But her Immaculate Highness, is a woman of spirit let the Countess beware ! or her ladyship may yet be " swept out by a Hickory broom." COL. HARDFARE, What motive could her la dyship have had, think you, for s\ich absolute rudeness to the Authoress ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. The motive Col., is very evident female jealousy, spite, malice! and the d / knows what else, toward a stranger, and a lady who wished to pay her respects to the Countess of Dictate merely, because her lady ship is of the Royal family. But, really Col., "too much prosperity maketh a man mad /" aye! verily ! or a woman either ! Had you seen the look of commisseration depicted in the honest countenance of Mister MacFaddle CPglaugher- ty, who was compelled to return the Authoress's compliments to the fair Countess, you would have been prepossessed in his favor. I really think 74 it's a pity so honest a fellow should be kept m such a station, to witness the ignorance, ill-breed ing and corruption of the Yankee Doodle Court. COL. HARDFARE. Really, Major Dauntless, these are occurrences worth recording. They characterise the Royal family, and will immor talize the present Reign. The Princes of the Royal Cabinet are unique we may never wit ness such another as it cannot, surely be sur- MAJ. DAUNTLESS. God forbid! that we even should have a continuation of such a Reign of outrageous oppression and injustice ! By the w God of War" Col., it is a. fact, (and a melan choly one!) that in arrogance, ignorance, and impudence ! it can never be equalled ; of which I will give you an instance presently, after I finish my description of manners and customs at Court, and in the great City. There's the Heir appar ent, a worthy and interesting youth to speak truth Col., he is unassuming, and does not med dle with the turmoils of the Court, so he keeps out of many scrapes and saves his credit evin ces that he has common sense, so very rare now among the great and in the beau monde, where there is so much insipid visiting among the wo- 75 men, who draw the men after their d n'd fol lies, to become as frivolous and insipid as them selves. The effeminency of the present day is intolerable, and destructive to soul and body. No matter! the sooner the present race of ex quisite fools are extinct, the better for the coun try. By Jupiter ! Col. Hardfare, if his " Hickory" Highness should declare " War?* (nothing should astonish us in this reign of u Reform" you know,) it would be extremely difficult to find men to fight we should have to fill up the ranks with women,) and that could soon be effected at this time, as the women have already "ivaged war" among themselves in the Royal Cabinet ; and the Princess of Influence, will, herself, make an ex cellent General. Indeed, she was heard to say in one of her Highness's steam-boat excursions last summer, that if the " Prince of Influence, is deserving of a military title she is quite as much so"- and so, we might say, is the lady Comman dant quite as deserving of the title of " Commo dore." So they could soon have officers among themselves, for there are many Majors and some Colonels among the female ranks also many other officers but, as it has been said in an old military anecdote, "every officer is not a soldier? there's no knowing which party will have the vic tory but they must soon come to a decisive bat tle, and then we shall see sport Col. Bravo ! for the Princess of .Influence. COL. HARDFARE. You think she will con- qiier then? do you Major ? ha? ha! ha! MAJ. DAUNTLESS. I do, most certainly Col., if impudence has sway, and I will now give you an instance as I intimated. One Sunday after noon, early in the season, her immaculate High ness was deliberately walking from the Palace, and leaning on the arm of His Highness, the Prince of Influence, (Her Highness's lawful pro tector, you know Col.,) when they were overta ken by a lady (whom Her Highness will long re member,) to whom the fair Kosilia had shown some marks of favor, as Her Highness had most presslngly Invited her to re-visit the great City for the season and which invitation, seconded by the condescending politeness of the Prince of Influence, Was irresistable, and the lady relied on i\\G false promises of the * Reforming^ nobility, to her cost, I assure you Col. But she will man age to have all back with interest aye, and with a vengeance too, ere long rely on it. COL. ILulnFAfcE. But it appears that the Prince and Princes? of Influence, only follow the.: Royal example Major, for "Hickory" favours are very precarious, it seems. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Aye, aye, Col. Hardfare ; there's no mistake there : which the most of us have verified. But the lady should not have re lied on the frail promises of mushroom nobility. You must know Col., that this Immaculate Prin cess had the audacity to make some observations (during that lady's several month's absence from the Great City) highly to the disadvantage of the person Her Highness was then pretending to serve. And conscience evidently caused the fair Rosilia a twinge, when she was suddenly accosted by 'that lady requesting a private interview with Her Highness, on the following day, on some ve ry important business. The fair Princess was evidently disconcerted ; and, as the lady refused to accompany their Highnesses home ; the " amia ble" Rosilia (though very reluctantly} appointed an early hour on the third day from that, as Her Highness was to be engaged with " dinner parties" at her own mansion, and that of her dear lady " Reform," for the two following days. So said Her Immaculate Highness and who will pre sume to doubt her veracity : we may rest assured, there was a large banquet prepared: but you 8 78 must know Col., it is deemed vulgar for every one to accept an invitation. Jt would seem, you know, as though they had no other engagement. And as the Yankee, Doodle nobility are to be the criterion of refinement, taste, and ion-, they may be privileged. How many persons of distinction were there, is not difficult to surmise ; as her Im maculate Highness has a select few, who have ac cess to her splendid mansion ; so the fair Princess is in no danger of being eclipsed you see there's female policy for you again. The lady u Reform" (Her Highness's inseparable and immutable friend) was there^ We may calculate to a certainty j as also that very delicate and petite figure of a human being, of the male gender, (neither a man, nor gentleman in character,) Sir Lying Sneak- a great favorite of Her Immaculate Highness ; as the dear Hi tie fellow says, she is "a charming" woman and, many others say, Her Highness j s (what says the Camel ?) Princess of Influence (an " amiable" woman,) a very ap propriate title, to a certainty. There is now such a new order of gentility at the Yankee Doo dle Court, that we must not be astonished at in consistencies. Sir Lying Sntak was certainly the first, to pay his devotions to the fair and fm- 79 maculate Princess of Influence who, like all u amiable 7 '' women, is pleased with adulation, even from a Lying Sneak and whom Her Highness peremptorily asserts, is "a perfect gentleman" although his sneaking character is incompatible yet, if he, or any other Court sycophant, should suggest some preposterous custom at Court, it would be instantly adopted by the fair Princess, who smiles approbation and, as she is so well known to be an "amiable" woman, there can be no mistake in any thing that may please Her Im maculate Highness, who can do nothing amiss, we may rest assured which is hereditary, as good "razor strops" were never amiss, where they were wanted. A fierce looking group the Court butterflies would make, with unshaven chins, amid their silks and dandy attire^^-never despise the u bridge that carries you safe over" Col., that's my motto. I dare say, Her Immacu late Highness, could have supplied such a poor d 1 of an unshorn soldier as myself, with some good "razor strops," to have sharpened my old razors on, from among some of the old chests, stowed away in Her Highness's old lumber sky- loft, for at least these thirty years and of which her ancestor knew the benefit, before he com- bo menced gentleman at the great City. By the by, Col., the Princess of Influence, is of a military origin so, we should not wonder at her Hero ism her ancestor could beat the rat tat too, to perfection, I heard, on his debut at the great City, some thirty or forty years back perhaps, previ ous to commencing the trade of making "superi or razor strops" well, this is all right in our land of " Liberty and Equality" But, the sud den metamorphos, which a Yankee Doodle Court has effected in our land, is so truly ludicrous, that I can scarce credit the evidence of my senses. The Immaculate Princess of Influence, however, graces her new title to perfection because, Her Highness, is now an "amiable" woman, since she has profited by her long residence at the great City, where she has acquired the polish, requisite for a Court which Her Highness was (evident ly") destined to adorn. But the " Razor strops," Col., what a pity I did not appeal to the charity of Her Immaculate Highness true, I had no u cet- naries," but then I am a poor soldier, and could have caught a tree frog, or a screach-oivl, which would have assisted at the concert in the aviary ; and might have been useful, as they portend a storm, the latter being an ominous bird, you and if I could not have procured either, a? I am a superannuated soldier, and a Rerolu- tionary. it would have been charily to have be- . ornethinff as her Immaculate Hie: should have recollected, that * Charity covereth a. multitude of sin*." Hey! Col. L. HARDFARE. Aye. Major but, Charity is excluded at Court* you should remember. MAJ. DAUXTI. .>>. Too true. Col. Hard fart; but. Her Immaculate Highness, is the Princt g Influence, and we have a right to expect some thing you know, from her. COL. HARDFARE. Ah 1 Major, if Her High ness is not dis posed , x and like all women, she has her whims. I suppo- . / ould be waiting for ; mars shoes" you know MAJ, F . Y .-. uieed many a poor devil has run himself barefoot, trotting after the favor of those in power, whose bounden dut to hear the petition of many whom they treat I contempt. But you shall now hear. Co! . of the appointed interview with Her Immaculate High- . and the lady to whom Her ffigkf MB had made professions of friendship you will "it is not a year shows us the heart of a man" no ! nor a woman either, C : ! ^ b . T p itar ! Well, 8* the lady waited on Her Highness, in due form, on the morning appointed when the fair Prin cess made her appearance en dishabille ! and quite a la mode ! we must suppose, at the Yan kee Doodle Court, and "Loveliness, needs not the foreign aid of ornav ment," we are told therefore the less gew-gaws a fair woman has about her, the more we see of her natural charms, you know, Col. / love to see a pretty woman en dishabille, both in person and mind, particularly an "amiable" woman, as we eaii then judge for ourselves, and are not com pelled to be led by the nose. Well, to my story Tier fair Highness's delicate hands were encrusted with bird-feed, (by Jupi ter! what a Princess /) consequently Her High ness could not tender the hand of friendship or hospitality to her visiter, as an "amiable" woman should have done toward a lady, for whom her professions had been so profuse even (as Her Highness had promised,) to the "extent of her influence!! therefore, we mny suppose, it would have been unlimited. It appears that Her Highness was so. extremely anxious to know the 83 purport of this mysterious visit, (which was evi dently, unwelcome?) that she did not take time to have her fair hands washed, to receive her visiter in a proper manner. But, even a Princess should never forget (for a moment,') the respect that is due to herself , and to her friends, in every instance yet, this is Court polish, we must sup pose, and the fair Rosilia is certainly an "amio- 6/e" woman, to thus condescend to feed her little warblers of the aviary, though she is a Princess, whose will is a law ! But it occurs to me, Col., that it is a very political and convenient method, (which only a ivoman could devise,) to have her hands plastered with bird-feed, to prevent the plebian touch of those, to whom Her Highness is sensible are only inferior in point of fortune but, whom, in another view, Her Highness dreads and envies ! and from whose just remarks, and provoked retort, even the Immaculate Princess of Influence, will shrink abashed, when she recol lects, that this visiter was th lady whom Her Highness had so pressingly invited to the great City, with a voluntary promise of serving, essen tially, in a pecuniary way by throwing "some hundreds" in her pocket. Instead of which, Her Highness was pleased (like most of those in pow- 84 er,) to reverse the prospect, and the lady was made the dupe of Her Highness's caprice, and abu.se of her despotic Influence so has many a poor d 1 of a candidate for Court favors. But, this Immaculate Princess, pursued a very errone ous course in this case she has proved herself a bad politician, though an "amiable woman" she should have secured the friendship and influ ence of one of her own sex, who is not to be des pised with impunity, nor insulted, even by the Princess of Influence, when unconscious of pro vocation. But, perhaps Her Highness thinks, now she is placed at the very pinnacle of power, she will not require the good will and services of others "let her take heed lest she fall .'" Aye, and with a vengeance ! Her Highness already finds it more difficult than she immagined some months since, (at the comencement of her brilliant career,) to bring all the ladies of the Cabinet* on " their marrow oones," to Her Immaculate High ness. (O Jupiter!) Aye, and in "spite of their teeth," I suppose. Affairs at Court, and in the great City, at t his time, give unequivocal testimo ny how far this Princess of Influence, has suc ceeded in this course, I assure you, Col. COL. HARDFARE. There is the test, Major but what passed at the interview with the lady whom Her Highness received in so condescending and elegant a style ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Don't be impatient, Col. you will have it all by and by and soon enough for the honor of the/air Princess, I assure you. You must indulge me as I told you at first, with occasional remarks and comments on the extra ordinary occurrences I am detailing of the affairs at Court. I am an old Revolutionary, and am a privileged character, it is known. Well, now for the purport of the interview. The lady had done herself the honor not of calling on the Princess of Influence, observe, Col., but vice ver sa, we know mark me ! for the purpose of calling Her Immaculate Highness to account for having presumed to utter some expressions and remarks detrimental to the reputation of the la dy who then addressed Her Highness, and deman ded an elucidation of her sarcastic iriuendoes and too free observations, particularly respecting ^ in dependence of character ridiculous extrava gance in dress, $c. her perpetual travelling about with a daughter whom she taught to be as aspiring as herself, and as independent in spirit," which her Immaculate Highness deemed very "improper and ridiculous," for persons in their 86 situation, depending on their talents^ (what a pity Her Highness is not endowed with some useful talent for emergency, as the clouds of mis fortune are already gathering around her,) there fore Her Immaculate Highness thought proper to make those very free remarks to a distant rela tive of the lady, who had accidentally been thrown in Her Highness's company, and heard the observations with indignation, as the great Personage seemed to think she might speak with impunity. But the becoming spirit with which the slandered lady was defended by her relative, extremely disconcerted Her Immaculate High ness, and made her look excessively silly, as she, though Princess of Influence, felt it indispensable to make an apology,\)ut observed, the remarks did not originate from herself, yet absolutely declin ed giving the names of those persons from whom she heard them, and affected to have forgotten. So there must be some Lying Sneak in the way, it is evident, somewhere about Court and the great City. Perhaps they are a numerous fami ly. One thing, however, is certain : a woman who has but few ideas of her own, must rely on other people's stock, and is but a mere echo, and as contemptible as censurable. And to "cap the. 87 climax" of Court impudence, Her Immaculate Highness had the assurance to assert to her visl- tcr, that a certain person (whose name Her High ness absolutely refused to give) had made it his business to call that morning on the Prince of Influence and herself, for the express purpose of assuring- their Highnesses, that if they really u knew who that lady was* with whom they were conversing two days previous, on the public promenade, they would have had more respect for themselves than to have done so ;" and that the Prince of Influence should not suffer Her Immaculate Highness ( Oh ! Jupiter and Mars /) to be Seen in such company." There's for you^ Col. By the Goddess Diana ! I am confounded with the brass so current at Court. Bravo ! but this is intolerable ! The very d / himself acts the saint we know, on occasion "but it won't do here, Col. No, d n me by the "God of War /" the " cloven foot is too apparent, for the purpose of disguise. Now, had it been the great black coat Came/, who is so formidable to Her Immaculate Highness, it would not be ivondered: at that Her Highness should have been so dis concerted; but it was only an inoffensive woman, It is certainly extremely impolitic, and dangerous, ('according to common report,) for persons who 88 live in " glass houses," to be hostile and arrogant, if they are u high in power," as a little retaliation will soon demolish them ; and a great credit will make when it does. What a pity some people have not sense enough to know what is for their own benefit, and keep their "fingers out of the fire." COL. HARDFARE. That indeed, Major, and what was the result of the interview ? Did Her "Immaculate" Highness conciliate with her visi- ter? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. No, by Jupiter! Her Highness had not the/ores ight to "settle with her adversary" in good time, while there, but kept up an affectation of dignity, becoming a Princess of Influence ; and made some very laconic and un- courteous replies to one whom Her Highness seemed to consider so infinitely inferior, and not worthy Her Immaculate Highness's condescen ding favor ; and Her Highness, not then aware, that such a, female friend could be an acquisition, took no care to secure her, by further promises and Court smiles, but dropt the mask at once, which had concealed some deformity of charac ter for a while that of dissimulation and pre meditated insolence. 89 COL. HARDFARE. The characteristic of mush room nobility, of course, Major. Well, what of the Camel you mentioned? I am anxious to hear what could be the motive for so inoffensive an animal to be so hostile to a fair and Immacu late Princess. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. You shall hear, Col., pre sently, far as / can learn. This hitherto, very docile and inoffensive Camel, who is a great fa vorite in the great City, among a large congrega tion, has been roused to indignation by the ho mage paid to the Immaculate Princess of Influ- e ' -; and also by the blind partiality of His " Hickory'''' Highness, to defend the Immaculate Princess from her formidable and numerous foes. These great Personages, and more of the Royal family, made their appearance one Sunday at church some six or seven months since, if I re collect right but I dare say their Highnesses, particularly the Immaculate Princess, recollects the day to a certainty when the great black Ca mel got up into the pulpit, and poured a volley of his wrathful invectives and accusations against her and the whole Royal tribe; but more parti cularly aimed at Her Immaculate Highness, whose look of beautiful stupidity, and unconsciousness ; 9 9U roused still more the (naturally docile) spirit of the Camel, who continued an invective that exci ted the indignation of his Hickory Highness, and caused him to rise from his seat in the Majesty of his wrath, and implacable resentment toward the Camel and then hastily to walk out of the church followed by the Royal family whom 1 am told have not since honored the Camel by their Roy al presence at his lecture. The Camel, it is al lowed, has an unquestionable right and privilege to descant on the "vices and follies" of thepres- sent day, (and God knows they are numerous !) and to assert his prerogative from the pulpit if he is but a Camel. To put down immorality and idolatry even among the Princes of the " Hickory" Reign. Some of whom, have the pre sumption to claim his Majesty's protection, but the persevering Camel is not to be u defied" with impunity. It is therefore expected there will be a battle royal among them ; and that the Ca me/ will be triumphant is almost reduced to a cer tainty. As also the oppressed and (as it was deem ed) defenceless lady whom her Immaculate High ness thought to trifle with, and insult with impuni ty; forgetting that her Highness's/ewa/e antagonist is ever in possession of the most powerful of all weapons the lash of satire ! which the possessor knows when to make use of to the best advantage, (viz : in vindication of insulted rights,) and which may be keenly felt even within the walls of a Pa lace. The shafts of satire are more to be dread ed than the "pointed bayonet." They can pierce, where they are aimed. Huzza! Col. Hardfare! for a victory ! Liberty and equal rights a com plete and perfect "Reform," a "turnout" in the Cabinet, in retaliation proscription at an end and "Integrity," and modest merit re warded throughout the Union! Good night, f'ol. ? 1 shall now sleep soundly. CHAPTER IV. COL. HARDFARE. Well, Major, here's another fine spring morning how did your old bones rest last night, after our late chat on the affairs of the nation ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Sweet was my sleep, Col., yet I had a dream the impression of which will not leave me to day. Dreams are often pro phetic it concerns the Palace and the Royal family. It was something allegorical ; I will en deavor to relate it as accurately as I can it is a curious, and perhaps a portentuom vision, for those concerned in it. Methought, I saw His " Hickory" Highness seated in regal splendor, in the great East room of the Palace, surrounded by the crowd of smiling sycophants, (so insepara ble from a Court,) who strutted about, wrapt up in their own consequence. On the right side of His Majesty, sat the Immaculate Princess of In- fluence, in all her irresistable charms, looking like Diana herself, so perfectly modest and beautiful. Behind her, (mark me!) sat her handmaids, Chastity and Prudence Prince Henry John, and His " Hickory" Highness, were evidently basking in the sunshine of her fascinating smiles, as the fair Princess was playing off all her capti vating graces to rivet her chains still closer, to ex cite the envy and jealousy of her female competi tors at Court when suddenly a great bustle and uproar took place in the Palace, and a confused running to and fro, created alarm while a most tremendous and extraordinary noise, methought, was heard throughout the Palace, A variety of conjectures seemed to terrify and perplex the late festive group. Some cried, " Green Goblin Grim/? 5 others, "it's a huge animal, and all ran together in a throng, receding from the formida ble intruder, and surrounding the Royal chair for protection. But it was there, that the terrible monster seemed making its way with most awful growlings, (methinks, I hear them yet,) and signs of displeasure. His tt Hickory" Highness, thus to be attacked, and in his men tent, was too great an encroachment to be borne ; and me thought, he arose in the Majesty of his wrath, 0* 94 but speechless! for he beheld what do yon think, Col.? why, the black Owe/, with his Majesty^ " Hickory C/w.5," and looking defiance at the Royal group, as he stood undaunted. Yes, with the identical "Hickory Club," me- thoujrht, which was sent His Majesty from the society at Easton, (Pa.') some months since, and which His "Hickory" Highness, received in so very gracious and complimentory a manner. You stare, Col., but I saw it (in my dream,) aye, as plain as I see you now and, I also be held Her Immaculate Highness, fainting in the arms of Prince Henry John and Sir Lying Sneak, holding a bottle of volatile spirits of hartshorn, to Her Highness's nose, while her handmaids, Chastity and Prudence, took to flight on the approach of the Camel, and were not seen again. The ladies of the Court all fled, and the dandy butterflies flew out of the windows. Green Goblin Grim, had been seen gliding about the Palace, as usual, previous to the sudden ap pearance of the Camel, when the Green Goblin vanished, and left his friends to the mercy of the enemy, who seemed to have the best of the day, for he could foil his foes with their "own wea pon." 1 awoke ! COL. HARDFARE. Bravo! Bravissimo ! Ma jor Dauntless ! that is a dream worth recording. MVJ. DAUNTLESS. Aye, Col. Hardfare, and well for the party, if it is not verified aye, and with a vengeance ! Methinks, I see the whole terrified group hemmed up by a black Camel, O Jupiter ! and Mars ! what a scene, what a set of Hemes ! But, I. was really so terrified myself on awaking, that I thought the Camel stood before me in reality and that Green Goblin Grim, stood behind him, menacing vengeance with one of his goblinship's tremendous and formidable frowns, as the Camel was wielding the " Hickory Club," (of which he kept possession,) as though in de fiance even of Green Goblin I was somewhat alarmed for myself: I have no objection to a fair fight in the field, you know, Col. let me die no bly ! honorably ! not be knocked down, without a challenge. COL. HARDFARE. True, Major Dauntless. But you do not apprehend any hostility from the Camel ; whom, we are told, is a very innoffensive, patient animal, when not provoked and imposed on and, as he had possessio?i of the " Hickory C/w&," (in your dream,) we may infer that the contest will soon be terminated in that quarter ? 96 MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Why, Col., were it reality, I should deem it matter of some doubt, whether his R n yal opponent would have "waged toar" with him; as the Camel's credentials might in timidate the Royal family, for he is a most re spectable and honorable Camel, and has a host of advocates, even in the great City. Another lu dicrous scene relative to the influence of the Camel, I will also now relate. Passing her Im maculate Highness's mansion late one night, I heard a serenade, so much the ton this season at the great City. No doubt, they intended to do all possible honor to Her Immaculate Highness ; but, unfortunately, and perhaps, unintentional ly, struck up "The CamePs a coming! Oho! Oho ! The CamePs a coming !" when, poor fel lows, they were not honored by the least atten tion, for not a more effectual method could have been devised to alright afar off, the Immaculate Rosilia. Indeed Her Highness never ventures out alone on foot, and is most frequently seen protected in her coach by Prince Henry John, when their Highnesses are drawn by those beauti ful grays from the western wilds, which were presented them by His u Hickory" Highness, ('on His Majesty's arrival at the great City,) to his 97 highly esteemed friends. What an advantage it is to be a Royal favorite, you see, Col. Hardfare. COL. HARDFARE. / do not see it, Major. / see only Hardfare ! But "all is well that ends well" remember, MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Aye, aye, Col., very true. Time, we know, regulates every thing. Their Highnesses are well supplied with glittering vehi cles, for they frequently take the air in His Ma jesty's coach, particularly Her Immaculate High ness, to the exclusion (of course) of all intruders of the Royal family in the female department. COL. HARDFARE. Pray, Major, has this Im maculate Princess superior attractions or acquire ments, that she makes such a noise in the coun- try? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. I'll tell you, Col. an or dinary woman with a superior degree of assu rance can always effect more than either beauty, merit, or talent. The Princess of Influence has not, in my estimation (and I may assert, some oth ers*) any extraordinary attractions ; and as for acquirements, that are of such a nature as to adorn the high station she now holds, I tell you Col., it is all a sham. Her Highness has no meri torious talent, rest assured ; yet there is a certain 98 ^ Je ne sa quoi," as they term it, in some people, scarcely above mediocrity, that can, with superfii cial judges, pass for wit, grace, and even talent. "All is not goldih'dt glitters," we know, and may rely on it in this case. Art can produce most astonishing effect, we are convinced, and some women have an address and manner (assumed on proper occasions) that often captivates even their enemies. But in former days, it was thought, "There's no woman where there's no reserve." By Jupiter, now-a-days, Col,, the bolder a woman can make herself, the more she carries the day What the d 1 is a woman worth to any man, when she knows nothing but the fashionable phrases of the day, and of the frivolous set to which she be longs ? Destitute of intellectual resources, how soon her society must weary and disgust. Beau ty, now-a-days, is not what was termed beauty in a female some years back. An accomplished and beautiful woman, was then, a moderate share of personal attractions, and a mind carefully culti vated like a rich garden to yield the delightful flowers of wit, fancy, sentiment, and goodsense,to charm and secure the heart of her husband. Not frivolity, insipidity, coquetry, and fashionable 99 levity to catch every coxcomb, who pays devotion to insignificance, by "the God f War!" COL. HARDFARE. Why, re ally, Major Daunt less, you are a man of sentiment, if you are a rug ged soldier of 76, and know how to discriminate, I see. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Aye, aye, Col., T hope so; at least, sufficiently, not to be imposed on, by superficial characters. Her Immaculate High ness affected to be averse to attend a grand din ner given at the Palace some months since, where several hundred persons of rank were invited to pay court to His Majesty. Her Immaculate High ness, of course, and Prince Henry John, were to be there. Bat her fair Highness declared she detested going, as all the foreign ministers and their ladies were to be there, and she could not understand a word they would say. How pecu liarly unfortunate, Col., for a Princess to be igno rant of any foreign language, and also of Court polish and etiquette. Such an* amiable woman too ! Her Highness should have completed her education, (privately,) after she was so suddenly elevated to grace so conspicous -\ station. But Princesses can have their interpreters and amanu- ensises, who may read occasionally, as well as write letters for their Highnesses, as it is certainly 100 a mechanical drudgery for a fair Princess, when Her Highness is indisposed for either, as her ex alted station should exempt her from such labori ous pursuits. But Her Highness, perhaps, in tends adhering to the u Retrenchment" system, as her ancestors knew from experience the value of economy. Yet they might have had the Rose of the family made conversant in foreign languag es, anticipating her elevation, as she had been noticed and brought out by her superiors at an early period, and the modern languages are so very essential at Court; But, her fair and Imma culate Highness has played a good game at all events, and now reaps the benefit for a while; But there are many bitter drops among the sweets of life even at Court , we aro. convinced, as early acquaintance cannot brook Her Highness' eleva tion, as it is so far beyond her former level, and therefore it excites envy and persecution, as those persons, and many others, will not pay to this Im maculate Princess the obeisance which Her High ness conceives she has a right to exact, as Prin cess of Influence ; therefore it is with Her High ness, as it was with Haman at the King's gate ; with this exception, that there are too many Mordecais, for the tranquillity of Her Immaculate 101 Highness. Therefore, she must be internally miserable, even amid all the Court splendour and adulation that surrounds her. So it cannot be entirely the " Theatre of her triumphs," where she has only one female friend to "enter the lists" with Her Immaculate Highness, against a host of formidable female opponents, who are too vindic tive to be subdued by an imperious favorite, and her aid!, the generous and intrepid lady "Reform," (who, by the by, has many friends, but her lady ship is a part of the Royal family, and is under the necessity of conciliating His Majesty, by endea voring to protect the fair favorite, as she must as sert Her Highness is an "amiable" woman, which certainly comes with a better grace from such an advocate, than it does from some others,) who en deavors to console her dear Rosilia; but it is the opinion of many in the great City, that the Prince of Influence, had better taken Her Immaculate Highness to "Mexico," to have spared her feel ings of sensibility at the persecution of her ene mies. Indeed, Her fair Highness would do bet ter any where, than at Court. There she is too conspicuous to escape censure, which a luminary of such attractions must ever excite. There are "spots in the Sun" we are told, and we should not be astonished at the partial imperfections of a 10 102 smaller luminary ; and Prophets, we are told, " have seldom honors paid them in their own land." COL. HARDFARE. True, because they are too well known. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Aye, and the ungenerous world ever points out the foibles of "poor human nature" Well, this is the day of " Reform" r.e- member. There's room enough for us all to " Reform," and by Jupiter ! Col., we, the proscrib ed, and the minority /yet, no, faith, we are now the majority by being the "proscribed," and will soon set up a "Reform" of our own, aye, and with a vengeance, by the " God of War !" The Duke of "Retrenchment" should visit the levees often, and meditate on the Corresponding appear ance of the magnificent East Room. The re flection of "Retrenchment" from those immense, and extravagant " Parisian Mirrors," shew every object in proper light, and now serve to reflect the folly of those who placed them there. O most wise King, and worthy Princes of the reign! we are struck with awe at your wisely conducted "Reform." Spare not until it be perfect for your own glory and the benefit of the nation. We are all fully sensible that the present Royal cabi net required great, embellishment. Col., and those 103 mirrors are admirably calculated for the purpose, you know. COL. HARDFARE. Aye, Major, they, who hold the "loaves and fishes," think so, I dare say; but / think the embellishment should have been at the expense of mind to compensate the nation, not thus impoverish it by a wanton extravagance ; how much more prudent would we have appear ed in the eyes of other nations, were our govern ment truly economising ! were the National debt something less, at this day of splendour and su perfluous parade at Yankee Doodle Court. Not thus to set up a cry of " Reform," and " Retrench ment" and yet have a Palace, decorated in regal splendor, in a Republican country, that must ex cite the mirth and derision of Europe. The glo ry of Liberty. I fear, is passing from us! MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Alas! Hardfare, have we come to this! Yet why do the people suffer themselves to have sand thus thrown in their eyes ? and be blinded for the purpose of" Reform." In the true sense of the word, what are we to under stand by such a " Reform ?" How are we to de fine it? Patience yet for three years, good Col, Hardfare and it will define itself, to the full ex tent. aye, and with a vengeance, rely on it. 1U4 Then the disposal of that profusion of superfluous articles of regal splendour in the great East Room, will convince "the people" of the true meaning of " Retrenchment" which is now, only a hoax. The people are deluded by a shadow. Those now in power are more fond of external appear ance and extravagance than their predecessors, but the people must not believe it. They are told, that this is the day of "Reform," and must believe it is so, even against the evidence of their semes. COL. HARDFARE. Aye, Major ; the people may have patience to endure for a short time yet, but rely on it, they will not be altogether such dupes as is expected. M\J. DAUNTLESS. Why, if we may rely on the assertion of Green Goblin Grim, (now so high in favor at Court,) we shall all become a miserable race of slaves ere long. Led from step to step, further by the nose, by Jupiter, like Asses till every honest man would be brought in com plete subjection, and the object effected. For in stance, the Goblin's very eloquent piece on "Po litical excitement," some few weeks since, (which must be circulated throughout the Union ere this ; but which God forbid ! should have the desi red effect) wherein his real motive is very obvi- 105 ous. tt Political excitement" says this grim Per son acre, tt w wow progressing as we could ?r'-\ There is now?, no /ears of the result." ( u Don't halloo before you are out of the woods," grim spectre !) " The Republican," (i. e. the Royal] " party is wide awake," (so are its opponents /) " to perform their duty," (aye, with a vengeance !) "with the same zeal, unanimity, and energy, in 1830, as they did in 1828, when they saved their country." O Jupiter! oh! Justice! record this audacious assertion ! u saved the country !" Y es, with a vengeance ! Goblin ; at the expense of trampling on the rights -fthe people of setting Liberty and Equality at defiance that glorious motto* of the nation. Why, Col. Hardfare, if Pd my will, Pd have the Grim Goblin tarred and feathered, or ducked in a mill pond, for the a- musement of those whom he now thinks to insult with impunity. Mark further, Col. " The wwk gr>es on bravely, and we rej'nce to see it " "Po litical excitement," yes, Green Goblin, an ex citement that is preparing for thee aye, with a vengeance ! and for all those w r ho thus insult the people's rights, a reward they least expect. Re taliation with interest and I hope / may live to see it. So-r-"The federal party have become a 10* 106 mere skeleton," says this Grim Personage (" mis ery loves company" we. know,) and quotes* "the love of Political sway is an unconquerable pas sion ." We admit it, Green Goblin, and see it ve rified to our sorrow, at this day. Hear again the Goblin's remarks on an observation of some of the opposition, (or "minority,*') about " Dis^rga- nizers stopping the wheels of Government." (Pity they were not stopped, Col. Hardfare, rather than run on at the rate they do nmv.) But the Green Goblin asserts they were " not stopped ;" and says, that a "few ill-advised desperadoes in Politics, have undertaken to fix a stigma of such intentions on the eight Republican senators." " But," says he " can an act so glaring and indicative of like motives, be pointed out ? We appeal to the "people," (better not, Green Goblin may be dis appointed) for an answer! Time will furnish their ivell matured conviction upon the subject." (no mistake there.) " We wish that time," (it will come too soon for you, Green Goblin.) "when their conviction might properly be announced through the ballot boxes, could be this day! (Alas ! for poor Goblin Grim ! if it could !) "We ardently wish it at hand ! We are impatient to hear the voice and judgment of the "people" pro- * Remarks on Hartford Convention, No. 3. 107 nounced," says this audacious personage. Oh! rest assured, it will come soon enough for thee thou Grim spectre ! and for the oppressors of the people's rights of equality. Tremble then, thou Goblin Grim ! thy spectral form will hide itself from the brilliant beams of the Western luminary, now attracting thousands to admire and extol. Soon will you see, that what was deemed a setting sun, will rise in glory ! and illumine the obscurity that prevails at Court where they are hostile to light " because their deeds are evil."-*- Good night, Col. Hardfare. CHAPTER. V MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Good morning Col., how did you digest the " tough" dish of Politics which I served up to you last night ? You thought you have had Hard/are enough already. COL. HARDFARE. True Major, but the season ing was to my palate, I assure you, and I wish a similar repast this morning to break my fast. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Have you any objection to a Clay dish this morning, Col. Hardfare ? COL. HARDFARE. It will be very acceptable, Major, you may rest satisfied. We have had so much of " tough Hickory" for this year past, that I could wish most heartily to have a Clay repast in succession for some years to come. It would be more easily digested, you know, and no danger of dispepsia. It will require something of a dia metrically opposite nature to change that insup portable disease which is literally destroying so 109 large a portion of us, ^if^dispeptic medicines are now in great demand the proprietors will amass fortunes, and the patients derive great re lief so give me a dish of Clay, good Major, for this day at least. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Then you must know, Col., that when the present Lord of "Reform," (being just then appointed, and on his lordship's way to the great City, with his suit,) had stopped at Wheeling, tVa.) Mr. Clay was on his return home from the metropolis Mr. C. was received by the citizens of Wheeling, with the highest de monstration of respect and pleasure, and escorted to a hotel on the bank of the river, where the Lord of "Reform," and his party were snugly moored in good quarters, enjoying their brilliant prospects at Court. Suddenly the shouts and huzzas of the crowd reached their ears, and the name of Clay, almost congealed the life-blood at their hearts. They hastily decamped from the house, as if the d 1 were at their heels, when the equipage of the great statesman drew up to the door and all the "Hickory" party, with the Lord of" Reform" at their head, and T. P. Moore of Kentucky, ran down the bank of the river to escape from the reflection of the brilliant a Star of the West." 110 COL. HARDFARE. What! Major, did they run into the Ohio, at the risk of being drowned, to conceal their chagrin ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Not quite, into the river, Col., I was told, but close to its margin, to look for a steamer to carry them off, and ran about like mad-men for some time, because there were none there. Then the Royal party were compelled to look for a " Hickory" house to protect them from Clay, as they were resolved (most ivisely,} not to re-enter the house from which they had fled so cowardly. So the Lord of "Reform," and his dear friend T. P. M. took up with & plain "Hick ory" house, which their lordships considered by no means calculated to entertain such exalted per sonages. But they made a virtue of necessity, and endeavoured to philosophise on the occasion until next day when their lordships took a speedy departure for the great City, glad to make their escape, no doubt, from among the numerous friends of the Western luminary. A public dinner was given to Mr. Clay on the following day, at the spacious hotel of Mr. Graham, where the pa triotic citizens of Wheeling hailed the presence of Henry Clay with infinite satisfaction and done all possible honor to the virtues of that great Ill statesman and patriot, in anticipation of a yet' more pleasing event at no wry distant datt. Among the numerous and appropriate toasts giv en on that day was this by a respectable me chanic of the place : "May our next Lord of " Rform /" have fortitude to meet a plain citi- ztn of our country.' 1 '' COL. HARDFARE. A very just remark, Major; and he might have added not make himself a laughing-stock to the mob, by exposing his cha grin. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. This scene was surely prophetic of the result of the present "Reign of terror ;" to use Goblin Grim's own expressions ; and the Hawks of the Palace, say I, will soon have to flee from the overpowering brilliance of the Star of Old Kentucky. Then will be the " day of triumph" for the now proscribed, which will bring forward those now in minority, as a party, to confound and disperse the majority ; and with a vengeance Col., rely on it, to retali ate on the guillotine-like system, pursued so as siduously, and indiscriminately we might suppose, through the wise counsels of Goblin Grim. A " reign of terror," in truth. COL. HARDFARE. Aye, Major, God grant it mav soon terminate. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Amen! Col. and now I have entertained you so long with regal splendor, and the Immaculate Princess of Influence, allow me to descend into the plcbian walks of life for a while, and give you a description of another class of society, at the great City ; all requisite to make up "varieties of life," you know, at the Great Metropolis. You must know, Col., that I took a peep into an assembly room one evening, to amuse myself with the sight of some ridiculous animals I might see there. But, what was my astonishment to behold the Princess of Influ ence ! COL. HARDFARE. What! reduced to her pro per tetel at last ? Major say you so ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Not quite, as yet, Col., but all in good time. It was truly ludicrous to be hold the supercilious airs of the plebian ladies. Ha! ha! ha! Col. COL. HARDFARE. Were they hostile as those at the Palace, toward the fair and Immaculate Princess ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Aye, Col .-^equally so, if not Worse some curled their pretty lips in dis dain, and turned their backs on her Immaculate Highness others sneered al<>ud, and laughed in 113 defiance. Mrs. T. a lady of some spirit, and wife of one of the " Reform" party too, I learn, had stept out of the cotillion (when the Princess of Influence was seen among the set) and refused to take part in the festivity. Such a hub-bub was never among the women. They got into groups and posseys, and whispered^ and laughed aloud, occasionally: also throwing significant and scru tinizing glances at the fair Princess, who, (as Usual) was arrayed by the Graces. COL. HARDFARE. But where were Her Im maculate Highness's handmaids Chastity and Prudence. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Don't you recollect, Col., that the Camel put them to flight ; as portended in my dream and they assuredly will never bo found near Her Immaculate Highness again they are so very timid, they have been terrified afar off, and cannot return. But the swarm of ** exquisites^ or monkey-like dandies, (who al ways surround her fair Highness, like a swarm of musquitoes,) attendant on her fair person, make up the loss for it is a most superlative happiness to wait on an " amiable" woman. But if she drop a glove or handkerchief, how the d 1 these per fumed exquisites are to pick them up, is a mira- 11 114 cle to me; for their wasp-like figures, screwed up in corsets, by Jove ! could not be very expert to shew their devotion, Col. a good sized Kentuck- ian might put half a dozen such delicate animals in his pocket without inconvenience. These insects sip tea, and taste sweetmeats with the la dies. What a delicate and effeminate race ! What brave looking Knights of modern chivalry, to protect a " charming" Princess ! Corsets for breast-plates, and gold headed canes for swords, by Jupiter ! what will they avail ? There, too, I saw a petite figure, resembling Sir Lying Sneak. bowing and breathing devotion on the fair hands of the Immaculate Princess, who seemed to blush ; but, perhaps, recollecting that modesty has so long been exploded among the ton^ as an anti quated incumbrance, Her Highness dispensed with it, and this being evidently the reign of im pudence as well as u Reform" a coquette may play off her airs to advantage, and perfection, in a Ball-room. COL. iLvRDFARE. ts the Princess of Influ ence a fine dancer, Major ? M.V..T. DAUNTLESS. Oh! to perfection, Col, Her Immaculate Highness dances like a top on a pewter jplate, and waltzes like a wti'irti <':?. 115 COL. HARDFARE. Then she is a. nonpar iel ! indeed, and excites the envy of her sex. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Not entirely, good Col. Many an aching* heart beats under an embroider ed vest. Humble honesty breathes freely. The rosy milk maid may be envied by the Princess of Influence for neither envy, nor malice, pursues the happy, unobtrusive rustic, who has never heard of Court. Princes themselves may often envy the listless cottager, careless of renown and a pitcher of cold water and a crust of bread for the "proscribed" keeps the head clear, and prevents dyspepsia, that fashionable tormentor, most assuredly originating from fat offices. So toe, shall be in no danger of the disease that's some consolation, Col. Hardfare ! is it not ? CQL. HARDFARE. Most certainly Major, and we shall thereby become good Philosophers, and Jiave a keener appetite for the good things of this world, by and by. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Aye, Col., when we can get at them you would say that's very true. We have had d d u tough" times, and hard fare for this year past, but it will serve a good purpose eventually, as we shall know how to pro- 116 vide better for the future. A little "bought wit," you know, Col. Hardfare if not " too dear." COL. HARDFARE. Yes, Major, we all know, that it is best to grow wise by experience, in this licentious age. How did the Plebian assembly terminate. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. As usual, Col., in " vanity and vexation of spirit." Effeminacy in the men, and dissimulation, flirting, and inconstancy among the women. Virtue is an antiquated incum- brance now-a-days among the ton, that is easily got rid of; and wealth, arrogance, and impudence, carry the day. Huzza, Col., for improvement in morals at the great City ! The reign of perfect COL. HARDFARE. To the glory of the Fan~ kee Doodle Court ? MAJ, DAUNTLESS. Aye, Col., there's no mis take in that, we are sure. The present Reign will read well on the annals of our country, for the benefit of posterity, by warning them to avoid the rocks and quicksands on which a bad pilot ever runs the ship. But there will be more light in the binnacle, next voyage, and a more compe tent commander also, a m ore select ship's crew, who will retrieve the character of the ship, for 117 the honor of the nation. Huzza ! Col., for the brilliant star of Kentucky ! COL. HARDFARE. Very good, Major Daunt less. I Wish success to the Western luminary with all my heart and soul ; but what will the Royal family think and feel on such an occasion. Will they rejoice! think you ? to surrender the ship ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Why if there's no alterna tive, they may as well get off with a good grace, you know, Col., and save some credit by it. But, really the situation of the present inmates of the palace, must be like that of persons who can read their own fate by the prognostics of the times. A "short life, and a merry one" is some people's motto, for instance "Mr. North, have you those very superb vases, to dispose of, which I saw in your collection yesterday ?" says the Princess of Influence, one morning to a gentleman, who had brought some thousands of dollars in valuable ar ticles, of the most fashionable and splendid k ind, designed as embellishments for the Yankee Doo dle Court, and also the mushroom quality of the great City. COL. HARDFARE. Aye, Major, they needed embellishment, there has been so much rusticity transported to the Yankee Doodle Court. In- IIS deed it will scarcely wear off in three years. Well, what of the vases ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Enough to convince you of the "Retrenchment" of the Cabinet, Col, Mr. North replied to Her Immaculate Highness, that he had reserved them for her; and wished to have them sent up, being the most superb articles of the kind in the collection, and particularly ap propriate for Her Highness, tf O ! you ask such an enormous prjee, Mr. North," returned Her Highness. " I beg your Highness's pardon, but they are considered very low, for articles so very superior. Your Highness I know will be pleas ed with them." " O Mr. North, the money is so scarce with us at present. It is the u Reform^ you know; and I have already expended so many thousands these few months past, for the gayety of the approaching season. My drawing room decorations have cost me so much, you know. What have you ordered for me to-day ?" "Your Highness's drawing-room curtains and drapery are sent, and I have come to superintend the arrange ments. Will your Highness be at leisure to look at them ? Why, I am pressed with engagements at this time, but we must have them up. The le vees are commencing at Cour^ and I must have 119 my drawing-room arranged in appropriate style. I will certainly look at those vases again, Mr, North, and request the Prince of Influence to ac company me, But you ask so extremely high for them. Indeed I am afraid Prince Henry will re fuse to give them to me." " No fear of that your Highness need not consult the Prince of Influence, for he can deny you nothing, and your Highnesses own taste is infallible. Shall I send diem ?" u Why you may reserve them, most cer tainly ; for the fact is, I must have them, they are so very splendid. But the money, Mr. North, is so hard to make up, just now, you know." " You need not mind the money now, madam ; the credit of the Prince of Influence is good, and His High ness may remit it when most convenient ; so your Immaculate Highness may have the vases." " I wiil take a ride to your ware-room in an hour, Mr. North, as there are some other superb articles but they take so much cash, to get all that is wanting and that one absolutely must have, you know." " Certainly, madam ; name your com mands, and Prince Henry J.'s credit is good enough for them a//." " O but do you know, Mr. No.-rh, that I have already expended more than eight thousand dollars, within a few months, only 120 at the commencement of my purchases ? and how much do you suppose since ?" "Oh ! that's a trifle for your Highness there are resources sufficient, we know. The Lord Criterion has been looking over my articles, and chosen a quantity of brilliant decoration for the East room. Your Highness had better come soon, while there is a choice* you know. I am really sacrificing some of them." " O Mr. North, the Lord Criterion has monopo lized so many superb articles for that East room that really it seems as though he would never have done with it : and is so selfish and se//-opi- niated, no one dare interfere ; it is really laugha ble to see how entirely devoted his lordship is to the " "Service of '" Retrenchment" I sup pose your Highness would say ? " O no ! Mr. North why yes in a degree in some meas ure but I mean to say to the splendid decora tions of that part of the palace, in particular. It is really his lordship's hobby. He will not allow even myself to suggest a single improvement, much less any one e/se, you know, in the Palace. I laugh at him often." " Not allow your High ness to have a say ? I am astonished ! really it is unaccountable. You ought to give directions, as 121 your Highness's taste is infinitely superior, \\o know." " O they are determined to manage it themselves. Capt. B absolutely thought I had superintended all the decorations, particular ly the azure drapery of the curtains, &c. and I could scarcely convince him that I had just sug- gested a. slight improvement, which the Lord Criterion thought proper to adopt, as it had a pret ty effect but nothing further was allowed me ; however, / shall assuredly get all the credit of it, so it is all the same you know, and I can then laugh at Lord Criterion, But I assure you His Lordship appeared to consider the improvement all his own. His Lordship intends to astonish and delight all the visiters at Court this winter by the brilliancy of the decorations, particularly those of the East room, to which his lordship has been absolutely devoted for six weeks past," COL. HARBFARE. There's a spirit of " Re form trnly,'Major. How enchantingly those Pa risian mirrors must reflect the "superb" furniture and Jimcracks of that great East room ! O Hercules ! what a substitute for Talent and In tegrity!" MAJ. DAUNTLESS. No "mistake" there, Col. COL, HARDFARE, Not in the contrast^ Ma- |or, but the people certainly made an egregi ous "mistake" when they exchanged intellectu al brilliancy, for gilded mirors, to reflect the " Reform " and some glaring defects in the system. But what was done with the vases ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Her Immaculate High ness engaged them at $60 but they were esti mated at more. It was a paltry sum, for two su perfluous vases, articles of foreign finery, of cum brous size to be removed in so short a time, and is a convincing proof of the folly and " extrava gance" of the Princess of Influence, thus neglect ing and forgetful of a " rainy" day ; and which the boisterous appearance of the weather already in dicates. COL. HARPFARE. We may suppose, Major, that the Prince of Influence has a greater profu sion of splendid decorations than other Princes of the Reign, as His Highness has the most ac complished^ most beautiful, and most "amiable" Princess to adorn the drawing room, and there fore it is absolutely requisite, we know. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. True, but the quantity or estimate of the furniture cannot be ascertained as the Prince of Influence had positively refused to admit the assessors, last summer* into his * June, 1829. IflJ Princely mansion, and even peremptorily deman ded their authority for thus presuming to come to His Highness, on such business that he would submit to "no such imposition," or encroachment. and ordered them off 1 , telling the principal one? however, to have his bill of taxes made out, and he would pay it, be it what it might; but would never submit to such an imposition as suffering tlrem to go over his house. There's a Prince, for you, Col. A man of spirit. I admire a mili tary man, who has a high spirit. By "the God of War" it is like " tough Hickorif not easi ly broken. His Highness was disturbed while at dinner, it is said, and that you know, Col. Hard- fare was, alone, enough to make any man vindic tive, much less a Prince, we may suppose, for it is devilish seldom ive can dine sumptuously, Col. Hardfare, you know, from experience, since the Royal ones hold the "loaves and fishes," and we must be satisfied with the " crumbs that fall from their table." But Col., though we fare d d hard, at present, like all those opposed to the mo dern " Reform^ yet, we are profiling by the Royal example, and when the "tablesare turned" 1 * (over) which are now very tottering, we .shall be able to give them as spare diet in return, (Aye, 124 and with a vengeance. Col.,) for the benefit of their health, to be easy of digestion ; and prevent dyspepsia, that tormenting Court disease, through inactivity of mind and luxurious and super-abun dant fare, at the expense of the "people." COL. HARDFARE. True, Major, but that was really extraordinary conduct in the Prince of In fluence. A Prince of " Reform!" What could have been his influential Highness's motive ? do you suppose ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. That's best known to His Influential Highness himself, Col. Princes^ we know, or ought to know, have an unquestiona ble right and privilege to act as they please, on all occasions, and more particularly, Col., when they are reforming the nit ion. The Prince of Influ ence has supported his own dignity admirably, in this case, to prove that His Highness is not to be imposed on with impunity. COL. HARDFARE. True, most certainly, in that case iv e ought not to forget that it is the " Reign of Reform" We who thus experience the ri gour of the times. But those Princes of the Reign must have easy times at Court, there is so little mental energy required by this time, as the " Re form" has progressed with such astonishing ra- 125 piditij. How do they pass their time there on an average, Major ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. O, to advantage, we may suppose, Col. Splendid levees, and a perpetual round of Court amusements fill up the vacant hours- 'Tis a six months session of Congress, you know, and consequently, the great City is more than usually lively and brilliant. COL. HARDFARE. So one might suppose ; and there is much intellectual brilliance there also, of course among such a concourse of great Persona ges ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. No "mistake" in that ? Col., we may rest assured. The great competi tion of talent is what they are all wrangling about. There are more political contests at this crisis in the great City than ever was known be fore, for very obvious reasons there never was such a constellation of intellectual brilliancy there until this day, both in Cabinet and Con gress and this beautiful, and so very requisite system of "Reform," is working miracles, and will set all the (hitherto confused} affairs of the nation, to rights. It will soon bring all things in to proper order, and there will be nothing left for the succeeding administration to perform. It 12 126 will be truly grateful for all the exertion of these vigilant Princes for the benefit of the nation' Superior talent and genius, is the gift of the Gods I and we bow in admiration of the over powering brilliance of the Royal Cabinet. Col let us tfc Tie first, true merit to befriend ? "His praise is lost! who wait 'till all commend." COL. HARDFARE. Aye, Major Dauntless, you are not slow to discover talent, and give merit its due. But what of " arraying the North against the South" and all that great political conten tion among the Hon. members. Think you, it is any thing more than a mere war of words ? A wily display of argument for the competition of talent, to astonish the nation ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS, Nothing more, rely on it Col. But the great Massachusetts Demosthenes, (who is so very obnoxious and formidable to Green Goblin Grim,) will ever have "/ie best of the battle" rely on it ; and for the glory of the nation. What a Herculean weapon he wields I A stout " Hickory club," is a mere willow switch in comparison. He strikes his hearers with as tonishment, and captivates even his opponents? 127 with whom he plays as a "wary cat does with a, timid mouse, whom she is conscious of having in her power at any moment when disposed to put her paw on it." This North star, remits an ef fulgence equal to the luminary of the West, and has already astonished the nation. COL. HARDFARE. Yes, Major, we are already making a noise in the world. Europe will assur edly give us due credit for talent ; among our statesmen, which is even more requisite than in the Cabinet, as it takes most of the trouble off the Princes of the Reign. Too much mental en ergy impairs health, and is wearisome we know. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Aye, Col., they take good care now-a-days not to fatigue themselves. Fools if they would, when they can get along more easily. COL. HARDFARE. How do those " Emblems of Innocence" fare, Major, when they are getting so numerous. There will be great flocks of" Ca naries" raised throughout the Union we may sup pose, when this Court secret is divulged, (as it will be now) as most important to Office hunters. I leally suspect there was some anticipation of something of the kind, as I now recollect having seen immence quantities of u Canaries," a year 198 ago in Philadelphia, and other cities, which ex- eited my astonishment ; but / had not the most distant idea of the little warblers being raised for such a speculation. It must have originated from a knowledge of Her Immaculate Highness's ex travagant fondness for birds and thus has be come a fashionable compliment. Pray, Major, has Her Highness no fondness for any other of the feathered tribe than those diminutive " Cana ries ?" MAJ. DAUNTLESS. O yes, Col., Her Highness has some fine Mocking birds ; and several others ; but the " Canaries" carry the day, I assure you. COL. HARDFARE. So it seems but has she no Parrot ? There is some congeniality in a Parrot for a woman. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Parrot! Col. Hardfare ? Do you take Her Immaculate Highness for a fool ? COL. HARDFARE. By no means Major we all are fully sensible to the contrary. But she loves to talk, or she is no ivoman, you know. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Why then, do you suppose Her Highness would keep a tell tale which a Parrot is so well known to be. Not a single circumstance escapes " Po//'s" notice, and her tongue is never quiet, if that is congeniality? Her Immaculate Highness would have more trou- ble in such a case, than she now endures from her female persecutors ; and God knows that is quite enough. There could be no retailing scan dal no laughing behind the back of absent per sons no sarcastic, unfeeling, and erroneous ob servations that "Poll" would not reiterate ; and cause more perplexity than you are aware of. No, no, Col., Her Highness is an "amiable" wo man, and would not wound the feelings of the absent and defenceless in such a way. Even Sir Lying Sneak, knew better than to take a chatter ing Parrot to present Her Immaculate Highness. But he obtained an office through two dear little chirping " Canaries," and set the example. COL. HARDFARE. Ha! ha! Major, you are before me in apprehension I did not reflect. Well what more ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. "My dear!" (says Her Immaculate Highness to the Prince of Influence, one day,) " where do you suppose those beautiful lines of Poetry came from, with those "canaries ?" Let me read it to you is a very pretty composi tion I assure you. " Pshaw !" (replied His High ness with a contemptuous sneer) "Some fool has copied it out of the c Souvenir.' It is very evident those lines are not original." "La! my dear! 18D how can you think so ! they are so very pretty j Now do have patience to hear it all?" "Not 7," (replied His Highness) "they are too insipid!^ His Highness then turned away not having any taste for the sentimental when Her Immacu late Highness, after reading this very frivolous composition, six times over at least, to every vi- siter ; (and a very convenient method of enter taining them, answering two important purposes ; first, that of gratifying Her Fair Highness's vanity^ and second, making up a subject to spare Her Highness's slender stock of ideas not a bad con trivance,) took it to Lady " Reform," whose su perior judgment, made Her Highness quite satis fied. As the Lady " Reform" is infallible as her Lord. Her Immaculate Highness, has therefore? much consolation amid her turmoils at Court surrounded by her persecutors as she possesses one female friend at least. COL. HARDFARE. A most amusing and edi fying " Reform," to a certainty, Major a me-- morable era, for the honor of the nation ! whose character must now stand high and fair abroad^ when they stand so fair at home. There's noth ing more wanting to immortalize us ! MAJ. DAUNTLESS. That's certain, Col., for there's the Duke of Intrigue, turning lawyer oc- casionally, (O Jupiter!) and can plead a cause at this time in court they say, equal to any of his competitors at the bar. It is an admirable talent certainly, and what an advantage in this reign of "Reform and Retrenchment," to have Princes who are so condescending to do any thing for the benefit of the nation and then, it evinces a ver satility of talent, so very desirable, and so requi site in a Prince, who may stand as fair a chance as any other Prince to get hold of the reins; which should ever be commanded by a skilful hand "give the d / his due," always, you know, Col., so we cannot say too much in appro^ bation, and admiration of the Princes of the reigri of " Reform," and admirable " Retrenchment /" Good night, Col., I must retire and endeavor to digest this substantial dish of politics, by a turn or two over the piazza ere I sleep, to secure the benefit of refreshing slumber to refit me for the continuation of our important subject to-morrow ; when I shall endeavor to bring it to a close, with a promise of a larger edition next ivinter, when there will be more to relate, for the recess is near, and ice must take holiday also. Good night. CHAPTER. VI. MA.T. DAUNTLESS. Good morning, Col. Hard- fare, I hope you slept well last night? COL. HARDFARE. Thank you good Major; T did, and am happy to see you look so refreshed. What were your visions during the night, and the reign of Morpheus ? Were you transported again to Yankee Doodle Court, and dazzled by the in comparable attractions of the fair Princess of In fluence ? MAJ. DAUNTLESS. No, Col., the Prince of Influence, and his w Hickory" Highness, will ever keep such a poor d 1 as myself from getting so near Her Immaculate Highness and more than that I can say, Col., that a candid and honest man, will not crave the honorable privilege. But al low me now to finish the scene I attempted to paint at the commencement of these details the delineation of u Hickory" clemency, must be more fully gi i r en to evince the polish of Yankee Doo dle Co urt. It was early one morning in the lat ter parit of November, 1829, when the authoress was so very elegantly received by His Majesty (you will recollect, Col.,) she was the bearer of a packe't from a female artist of celebrity, also an American, and whose talents have a claim on the attention and patronage of His Majesty, as he has been immortalized by her paintings. The u trea-> ty oj' Ghent," exhibited for many years in the ro- tundia of the Capitol, and executed in a superior style. But painting nor poetry, are appreciated at the Yankee Doodle Court, (they must adhere strictly to Retrenchment, you know,) when the authoress had waited a full hour or more, in the audience parlour, (as described) and His Majesty burst into the room in all his terrific grandeur of deportment, characteristic of the "Hero," about to encounter the hated foe ; while he stood like the demon of Vengeance, looking sternly on the. face of his terrified visitor, until he received the packet, and then deigned to tell her to " be seat ed," (though in a haughty and repelling tone, that ill became so g-reat a man,) while he perused the packet when suddenly one of the side doors were opened by a female, resembling the lady 134 with a white turban twisted about her head in mock oriental style, (there's ajj'::'.ta- tion of refinement at Yankee Doodle Court,, and who stood for a few moments gazing impertinent ly and with great scrutiny * on the visiter, as though it were sacrilege to have entered the Palace., with out her ladyship's knowledge and permission and after critically surveying the stranger, and peeping her head into the room, to ascertain what his Majesty was employed about, (who was too intent on the subject of the packet to observe her,) her ladyship closed the door as uncere- moneously as she had opened it; and some min utes elapsed when another female form, silent and inquisitive as the former, partially made her appearance, at the same door, but not attired with such commanding grace. This one resembled the Countess of Dictate, or the Princess of Insig-* nificance, whose persons bear some resemblance to each other the latter is the delicate lily of the Palace, and as insipid as delicate. Sqns ceremo- nie this last figure disappeared also, and in a few moments again a pair of bright and inquisitive eyes, belonging to an invisible body, could be dis covered, as the door was left ajar, for the purpose (evidently) of making discoveries, (had there m been any to make,) in time to alarm the Palace, if 1 treason should have been feared, 1 suppose (bui the Camel was not there.) At length, when His Majesty had got through with a hasty perusal of the papers, and had promised (" Hickory" pro mises are precarious,) to attend to the request of the artist his visiter then ventured to solicit His Majesty's patronage, for her own specimens of domestic production. But His Highness en deavored to excuse himself, although his patron age would have been consonant to the wishes of the Princess of Influence, who had urged the ne cessity of having the new style of painting intro duced into the Palace, and had intended it as a proof of Her Highness's taste and influence with his Majesty but, alas ! for the proprietor ! and for the Princess of Influence, ! The Countess of Dictate, and the Princess of Insignificance, coun~ teracted all Her Immaculate Highness's intentions in this instance, and absolutely declined having "any thing of the kind introduced into the Pa lace," merely because the Immaculate Princess of Influence had recommended it to His Majesty, some months previous which, of course had great iv eight ; but n.few months make a material change at Court , Col., and even a/eiu daijs some- 136 times so it all "vanished in smoke f for His "Hickory" Highness started from his chair, and rang for Mister Jamie Mac Faddle O' CHaugherty whom His Highness ordered to request the ladies of the Palace to attend. The Countess of Dictate and the Princess of Insignificance, made their appearance in a few minutes, but the Lady Criterion did not condescend to be present at the consultation. His Highness then turned toward the visiter and abruptly demanded her tt nae," that he might introduce her to the ladies of the Royal family this was too much for the eulogiser of His Majesty's triumph, and the zealous advo cate of a Hero for so many years, and already personally known to His Majesty some months since, on presenting the volume, with her name prefixed. O Hercules! good Col. Hardfare, think of that and hear further, that His Majesty, on being referred to the exterior of the packet which he held in his hand, (since he can thus forget his friends and their services,) gave a hasty introduction to the Royal ladies, and referred the authoress to them for patronage consequently, her fate was decided in a very few moments, as it was well known to them, that the Princess of In fluence had intended the applicant should succeed 137 at the Palace, as her Immaculate Highness had taken some pains to do so and had ordered some of the painting for herself, some six or seven months previous. For this particular rea son, the ladies of the Palace were firmly resolved it should not be patronized there, as the Lord Cri terion had "set his face against it," (to use his oivn expression,) and the ladies were governed in a great measure by his Lordship. So the fair Countess of Dictate observed, that she " did not wish any thing of the kind, and had heard that the Princess of Influence had ordered some," so her ladyship u declined," and observed they "al ready had so many very superb articles of furni ture and decorations for the Palace, they would not know what to do with any more" (very con sistent you see, Col., with the system of " Re trenchment.") "True madam," observed the visiter, with some independence " it would cer tainly be superfluous, if that is the case, and a very great incumbrance, when the time will be so short, to want them here." Then bade the Roy al ladies good morning as ceremoniously as they deserved feeling herself infinitely superior to purse-proud arrogance and insipidity, and also to ingratitude, from a greater Personage,. whom she 13 Will eVer consider her debtor but whose favorfc of remuneration, if they were now offered, she tvould spurn as indignantly as herself and her petition of filial piety, was indignantly and con* ttmptuously treated at Court. COL. HARDFARE.' Alas! Major! the fate of too many who were dazzled by A "meteor that now vanishes in smoke /" But a lady to be thus repulsed, was Certainly not inmilitaire, we know. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. No u By the God of War /" Col., it is an eternal stigma on gallantry at least, which neither age, nor " engagements," however " pressing" can, in the least degree excuse for an interview of only a few minutes. And that was even obtained with the greatest perseverance and difficulty, as she had been posi tively refused admittance on the first day of ap plicationalthough coach-hire is known to be exorbitant by the hour in the great City when visitors to the Palace must go so often to no pur pose. But she did not give up the point in de* pondency*) although absolutely repulsed by Hig Majesty, who, in the true spirit of Royalty re- fusedio see her although she had been introduc ed to the Palace some months since, through the Princess of Influence, procuring a pass-port frornr the Prince of Influence, that caused the doors of the Palace to fly open like magic. But now ; she had relied on the recollection of that auspi cious moment, and had the temerity to go alone in a coach and without the very requisite pro tection. Mister Jamie Mac Faddle O'Claugher- ty had his orders and dared not disobey. His Majesty sent out word to her on a second appln cation, that he was too "much engaged to see her at all," and * if she must see him u his son would wait her commands on the following day." The authoress returned for answer by Mister 0' Claugherty, that she had not the honor of knowing His Majesty's "son." and declined the interview, as her business was expressly with IJis Majesty, and she claimed an audience-^-to deliver into his own hand, a packet entrusted to her for that purpose." She was repulsed ; how ever, she went on the following day at an early hour as described, and met the reception, I have so feebly related ^as neither pen nor pencil could do justice to the interview ! Description fails f O Jupiter! Col., here was Majesty to perfection! and with a vengeance. What a pity the authoress * Forsjettirn* her very fatiguing Dramatic representa tion n f-w years a o in the Road to Ruin, (Prophetic uf the Present Reign) to do honor to a " Hero." 140 had, for so many years, devoted her precious time, her living ! alas ! to extol with national enthusiasm, the imaginary virtues of a Mili tary Despot. She will become wiser at all events, by her late visit to Yankee Doodle Court, as she has seen His Majesty in the proper light at last ; and will now profit by the most correct delinea tion. COL. HARDFARE. It was evidently reserved for her to portray the true features of Royalty. She will correct the false colours in which she has heretofore represented this great Personage ; because she had not an opportunity of seeing him in proper light as you observe, and which is a very essential point. MAJ. DAUNTLESS. That is indisputable, Col., and will exculpate the Authoress from any reflec tion from the Party as she is perfectly justifia ble in the course she has taken and in now en deavoring to turn the attention of the stupid multitude, to the refulgence of the rising Wes tern luminary ! who would never have degraded his exalted character so far, as to insult the pride of an American Jlutlioress and wound her filial feeling's by suffering that petition to remain dis regarded; though apprised that she was then thrown into distress at the great City, ^ where the 141 *'milk of human kindness" is so little known,) through the Princess of Influence failing in her Highness's voluntary promises, and His Majesty having refused his patronage to a person who felt she had a right to claim it on so pressing an emergency. There, Col. Hard/art I think now, that you have the whole affair explained as concisely as / can give it to you and you may make what con clusion you phase but will not change the opi nion which' / have now m-mly adopted respecting the high-souled noble character of His "Hick ory" Highness and the (confirmed) " amiabili ty" and kind feeling of the fair Princess of Influence, respecting pressing invitations and voluntary promises. The Authoress is much in debted, eventually, for the caprice of the Royal family, as it has furnished her with materials to make up her losses in that quarter, to amuse and enlighten ."the world ; and what is of still higher consideration to her, will Jill her purse more abundantly, (and at the expense of the Yankee Doodle Court) than if they had not shewn the # Cloven foot." COL. HARDFARE. An ample retaliation, JVfav 13* 142 jor by Jupiter, many will envy her triumph over such mean opnressors. MA.I. DAUNTLESS. Aye, Col., a triumph well earned by "the God of War!" for a female to struggle against such an overwelming torrent, and yet to conquer ! Huzza ! Col. for " rights of wo men !" in this Reign of " Reform." " Liberty and Equality !" shall again be our boast! T hope his ^ Hick'try" Highness himself, and all their High nesses may yet experience u i"us:h" times that they may know how they are to be borne ; every one in his turn you know Col. Hardfare .' as that superannuated veteran, in whose behalf the petiti fv n was most humbly and respectfully pre sented to His Majesty is now sinking into des pondence ; and a very few months, or days, may now remove him to that region, where the Princes of u Reform" will not have the sway they now hold and even Majesty must yield his " Hicko ry" sceptre, and the " Camel" will assuredly get " through the eye of the needle," if their High nesses can get into that kingdom after their Reign of " Reform." But their Highnesses are evidently not much concerned about the future, so they now '''carry the day." O wise "jffc/r.'w," and most admirable "Retrenchment!" "Two 143 splndid mirrors 150 square cubic feet insize /" (0 H i'cul -8 !) to r fleet the ivisdom of the Reign! How will Senator Benton's u Republican feelings be shocked?' in this instance. Where are the calum niators of the Great Clay ? Let them blush now, to behold the mild dignity of this unparrell . led Statesman retiring, and aloof from slander and re ft "c/i / Plain, unadorned, but by the effulgence of powerful intellect and proving to the world his real greatness when thus, With noble pride, " When injured and offended never tried "His injuries by vengeance to maintain "But, by magnanimous disdain! calm in the grandeur of his exalted mind, this great statesman, modestly retired from the clamor ous metropolis, to await an auspicious time when his patriotism would be acknowledged, and the foul tongue of slander be silenced forever ! The services of the Statesman should not be for gotten! we are an enthusiastic people, and when genuine merit is too apparent to be mista ken, the shouts of a multitude will bring forth the Western luminary, who has withdrawn its effulgence for a while, but to dazzle with ten- 144 fold lustre, when the proper time shall arrive j and the clouds which unjust prejudice and base calumny, gathered to obscure a star of too great magnitude to be long concealed, will disperse Justice demands this, for the honor of the nation, to prove the talent of the country, and to wipe off the tarnish of a Yankee Doodle Court, in the land of Liberty and Equality, which a Washing ton has bequeathed to a brave nation, who should carefully and jealously watch encroachments on the rights of the "people." COL. HARDFARE. Bravo! Major Dauntless! you are a true Patriot ! Success to the Star of the West ! MAJ. DAUNTLESS. Aye, Col., no mistake there! rely on it. Now I will give a specimen of Major Dauntless's plain, blunt ryhme, on the subject which I have written extemporaneously. as you will perceive; but if it is to the purpose, that's all we require, It is addressed to The wise Princes of the Reign of " Reform* If the shoe should JzJ you wear it If it pinch you grin and bear it If the lash should smart don't fiincl^ It will not help the case an inch- 145 i will be most prudent to be quiet, For fear " the People" make a riot, And rush to Yankee D^dle Court, In eager haste to see the sport. That Princes of "Reform," should be Thus lasVd for their "Integrity !" 'Twould cause enquiry of the matter, (AndjRio might be disposed to flattero) So, better to suppress your groans Tho' it should cut you "to the bones." For when this lash is in gwd t'im, It e'en can smart Green Goblin Gtim! And make him rave ! and swear ! and thunder ! But, no avail ! he must " knock under," For no resource from " Hickory Club" Can be obtained ! " Aye, there's the rub !" The Princes of "Reform" may float, Until a storm upsds their boat Then each will scramble for himself, Nor wait to quarrel for the pelf- For all soperltct in "Reform" Should be prepared for coming storm. And, tho' their barque's " tough Hickory !" The cry's for " Clay ! and Victory /" Kentucky's sons have seen their error Indignant at this " Reign of terror !" They now resolve to stop the sway <.' And eager to bring out their Clay, Which is of finest Porcelain kind, None to compare, will others find ! Then hark! the W'-st cries out" Huzza!" We'll beat " tau%k mdeory" with * Clay" FINIS, NOTE. The eopy of that petition to His Hickory High ness is mislaid, but will appear in the second edition, which has already been put to press, as this small edi tion was hastened for the Honorable Members of Con gress before their rising, that they may see the fiae ef- fBctof ^Reform" THE AUTHORESS