THE POETICAL WORKS O F OLIVER GOLDSMITH, M.B. VOLUME THE SECOND. a THE POETICAL AND DRAMATIC WORKS O F OLIVER GOLDSMITH, M. B. NOW FIRST COLLECTED. WITH AN ACCOUNT OF THE LIFE AND WRITINGS OF THE AUTHOR. IN TWO VOLUMES. LONDON: PRINTED BY H. GOLDNEY, FOE MESSIEURS RIV1NGTON, T. CARNAN AND T. KEWBERY, IN ST. PAUL'S CHURCH YARD; T. LOVVNDES AND G. KEARtLEY, IN FLEET-STREET} T. CADELL AND T. EVANS IN THE STRANJ>. M D C C LXXX. -X3 3d i -PR 1720 PLAYS, DR. GOLDSMITH. V * # 751546 THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN: A COMEDY. AS PERFORMED AT THE THEATRE-ROYAL, I N COVENT-GARDEN. FIRST PRINTED IN MDCCLXVIII. R E F A C E. I undertook to write a comedy, I con- fefs I was ftrongly prepoflefied in favour of the poets of the laft age, and ftrove to imitate them. The term, genteel comedy, was then unknown amongft us, and little more was defired by an audience, than nature and humour, in whatever walks of life they were moft confpicuous. The author of the follow- ing fcenes never imagined that more would be ex- pefted of him, and therefore to delineate character has been his principal aim. Thofe who know any thing of compofition, are fenfible, that in purfuing humour, it will fometimes lead us into the receffes of the mean ; I was even tempted to look for it ia the maftcr of a fpungir.g-houfe : but in deference to the public tafte, grown of late, perhaps, too deli- cate, the fcene of the bailiffs was retrenched in the reprefentation. In deference a!fo to the judgment of a few friends, who think in a particular way, the fcene is here reftored. The author fubmits it to the reader PREFACE. reader in his clofet; and hopes that too much refine- ment will not banifli humour and character from ours, as it has already done from the French theatre. Indeed the French comedy is now become fo very elevated and fentimental, that it has not only ba- nimed humour and Moliere from the ftage, but it has baniihed all fpedtators too. Upon the whole, the author returns his thanks to the public for the favourable reception which the Gocd-Natur'd Man has met with : and to Mr. Col- man in particular, for his kindnefs to it. It may not alfo be improper to affure any, who mall here- after write for the theatre, that merit, or fuppofed merit, will ever be a fufficient paflport to hh prote&ioiiil P R O- . PROLOGUE, WRITTEN B V DR. JOHNSON SPOKEN BY MR. B ' E N S L V. L RK ST by the load of life, the weary miod Surveys the general toil of human kind ; With cool fubmiflion joins the lab'ring train, And focial forrow, lofes half its pain : Our anxious bard, without complaint, may fhare This buftling feafon's epidemic care. Like Ca;far's pilot, dignify'd by fate, Toft in one common florm with all the great ; Diftreft alike, the ftatefman and the wit, When one a borough courts, and one the pit. The bufy candidates for power and fame, Have hopes, and fears, and wifhes, juft the fame; Difabled both to combat, or to fly, Muft hear all taunts, and hear without reply. Uncheck'd on both, loud rabbles vent their rage, As mongrels bay the lion in a cage. Th' offended burgefs hoards his angry talc, For that bleft year when all that vote may rail ; Their fchemes of fpite the poet's foes difmifs, Till that glad night, when al! that hata may hifs. VOL. n. B " This a PROLOGUE. " This day the powder'd curls and golden coat," Says fwelling Crifpin, " begg'd a cooler's vote." " This night, our wit," the pert apprentice cries. " Lies at my feet, I hifs him, and he dies." The great, 'tis true, can charm th' electing tribe ; The bard may fupplicate, but cannot bribe. Yet judg'd by thofe, whofe voices ne'er were fold, He feels no want of ill-perfuading gold ; But confident of praife, if praife be due, Trufls without fear, to merit, and to you. DRAMATIS PERSONS. M E N. Mr. Honeywood, Mr. POWELL. Croaker, Mr. S H u T E R . Lofty, Mr. WOODWARD, Sir William Honeywood, Mr. CLARKE. Leontine, Mr. BENS LEY. Jarvis, Mr. DUN STALL. Butler, Mr. CUSHINC. Bailiff, Mr. R. SMITH. Dubardieu, Mr. HOLTOM. Poftboy, Mr. QUICK. W M E N. Mifs Richland, Mrs. BULKELEY. Olivia, Mrs. MATTOCKS. Mrs. Croaker, Mrs. PITT. Garnet, Mrs. GREEN. Landlady, Mrs. WHITE. SCENE, L N D N. ' THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. ACT THE FIRST. SCENE, an apartment in Young HONEYWOOD'S houfe. Enter Sir WILLIAM HONEYWOOD, JARVIS. Sir WILLIAM. VJOOD Jarvis, make no apologies for this ho- neft bluntnefs. Fidelity, like yours, is the beft ex- cufe for every freedom. JARVIS. I can't help being blunt, and being very angry too, when I near you talk of difinheriting fo good, fo worthy a young gentleman as your nephew, my mafter. All the world loves him. Sir WILLIAM. Say rather, that he loves all the world ; that i> his fault. JARVIS. I'm fure there is no part of it more dear to him than you are, though he has not feen you iince he was a child, B 2 Sir 4 THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. Sir WILLIAM. What fignifias his affeclion to me ; or how can I be proud of a place in a heart where every marper and coxcomb find an eafy entrance ? JARVIS. I grant you that he is rather too good-natur'd ; that he's too much every man's man ; that he laughs this minute with one, and cries the next with ano- ther : but whofe initru&ions may he thank for all this ? Sir WILLIAM. Not mine, fure ? My letters to him during my employment in Italy, taught him only that philofo- phy which might prevent, not defend his errors. JARVIS. Faith, begging your honour's pardon, I'm forry they taught him any philofophy at all ; it has only ferv'd to fpoil him. This fame philofophy is a good horfe in the ftable, but an arrant jade on a journey. For my own part, whenever I hear him mention the name on't, I'm always fure he's going to play the fool. Sir WILLIAM. Don't let us afcribe his faults to his philofophy, I entreat you. No, Jarvis, his good nature arifes rather from his fears of offending the importunate, than his defire of making the deferring happy. JARVIS. What it rifes from, I don't know. But, to be fure, every body has it, that afks it. Sir THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 4 Sir WILLIAM. Ay, or that does not afk it. I have been now for fome time a concealed fpedlator of his follies, and find them as boundlefs as his diifipation. JARVIS. And yet, faith, he has fome fine name or other for them all. He calls his extravagance, generofity; and his trufting every body, univerfal benevolence. It was but laft week he went fecurity for a fellow whofe face he fcarce knew, and that he called an aft of exalted mu mu munificence j ay, that was the name he gave it. Sir WILLIAM. And upon that I proceed, as my laft effort, though with very little hopes to reclaim him. That very fellow has juft abfconded, and I have taken up the fecurity. Now, my intention is to involve him in fictitious diftrefs, before he has plunged himfelf into real calamity. To arrefl him for that very debt, to clap an officer upon him, and then let him fee which of his friends will come to his relief. JARVIS. Well, if I could but any way fee him thoroughly vexed, every groan of his would be mufic to me ; yet faith, I believe it impoffible. I have tried to fret him myfelf every morning thefe three years ; but, inftead of being angry, he fits as calmly to hear me fcold, as he dees to his hair-drefler. B 3 Sir 6 THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. Sir WILLIAM. We muft try him once more, however, and I'll gothisinftant to put my fcheme into execution; and I don't defpair of fucceeding, as, by your means, I can have frequent opportunities of being about him, without being known. What a pity it is, Jarvis, that any man's good-will to others mould produce fo much negleft of himfelf, as to require correction? Yet, we muft touch his weaknefles with a delicate hand. There are fome faults fo nearly allied to ex- cellence, that we can fcarce weed out the vice with- out eradicating the virtue. [Exit. JARVIS. Well, go thy ways, Sir William Honeyvvood. It Is not without reafon that the world allows thee to be the beft of men. But here comes his hopeful nephew ; the ftrange, good-natur'd, foolifh, open- hearted And yet, all his faults are fuch that one loves him ftill the better for them. Enter HONEYWOOD. HONEYWOOD. Well, Jarvis, what meffages from my friends this morning ? JARVIS. You have no friends. HONEYWOOD. Well ; from my acquaintance then ? JARVIS, THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 7 JARVIS. (Pulling out bills) A few of our ufual cards of compliment, that's all. This bill from your taylor; this from your mercer ; and this from the little bro- ker in Crooked-lane. He fays he has been at a great deal of trouble to get back the money you borrowed. HONEYWOOD. That I don't know ; but I'm fure we were at a great deal of trouble in getting him to lend it. JARVIS. He has loft all patience. HONEYWOOD. Then he has loft a very good thing. JARVIS. There's that ten guineas you were fending to the poor gentleman and his children in the Fleet. I believe that would flop his mouth, for a while at leaft. HONEYWOOD. Ay, Jarvis, but what will fill their mouths in the mean time ? Muft I be cruel becaufe he happens to be importunate ; and, to relieve his avarice, leave them to infupportable diftrefs ? JARVIS. 'Sdeath ! Sir, the queftion now is how to relieve yourfelf. Yourfelf Hav'nt I reafon to be out of my fenfes, when f fee things going at fixes and fevcns ? B 4 Ho- S THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. HONEYWOOD. Whatever reafon you may have for being out of your fenfes, I hope you'll allow that I'm not quite unreafonable for continuing in mine. JARVIJ. You're the only man alive in your prefent fitua- tion that could do fo Every thing upon the wafle. There's Mifs Richland and her fine fortune gone already, and upon the point of being given to your rival. HONEYWOOD. I'm no man's rival. JARVIS. Your uncle in Italy preparing to di/inherit you ; your own fortune almoft fpent; and nothing but v preffing creditors, falfe friends, and a pack of drun- ken fervants that your kindnefs has made unfit for any other family. HONEYWOOD. Then they have the more occafion for being in mine. JARVIS. Soh ! What will you have done with him that I caught Healing your plate in the pantry ? In the faft ; I caught him in the facl. HONEYWOCD. In the faft ? If fo, I really think that we mould pay him his wages, and turn him off. JARVIS. THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 9 J A R V I S . He fhall be turn'd off at Tyburn, the dog; we'll hang him, if it be only to frighten the reft of the family. HONEYWOOD. No, Jams : it's enough that we have loft what he has ftolen, let us not add to it the lofs of a fel- low creature ! JARVIS. Very fine; well, here was the footman juft now, to complain of the butler ; he fays he does moft work, ana ought to have moft wages. HONEYWOOD. That's but juft; though perhaps here comes the butler to complain of the footman. JARVIS. Ay, its the way with them all, from the fcullion to the privy-counfellor. If they have a bad mafter, they keep quarrelling with him : if they have a good mafter, they keep quarrelling with one another. Enter BUTLER, drunk. BUTLER. Sir, I'll not ftay in the family with Jonathan you muft part with him, or part with me, that's the' ex-ex-expofition of the matter, Sir. HONEYWOOD. Full and explicit enough. But what's his fault, good Philip ? BUTLER. io THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. BUTLER. Sir, he's given to drinking, Sir, and I mall have my morals corrupted, by keeping fuch company. HONEYWOOD. Ha ! ha ! He has fuch a diverting way JARVIS. quite amufing. BUTLER. 1 find my wines a-going, Sir ; and liquors don't go without mouths, Sir; I hate a drunkard, Sir. HONEYWOOD. Well, well, Philip, I'll hear you upon that ano- ther time, fo go to bed now. JARVIS. To bed ! Let him go the devil. BUTLER. Begging your honour's pardon, and begging your pardon, mailer Jarvis, I'll not go to bed, nor to the devil neither. I have enough to do to mind my cel- lar. I forgot, your honour, Mr. Croaker is below. I came on purpofe to tell you. HONEYWOOD. Why didn't you mew him up, blockhead ? BUTLER. Shew him up, Sir ! With all my heart, Sir. Up or down, all's one to me. Exit. JARVIS. Ay, we have one or other of that family in this houfe from morning till night. He comes on the .old THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. n old affair, I fuppofe. The match between his fon, that's juft returned from Paris, and Mifs Richland, the young lady he's guardian to. HONEYWOOD. Perhaps fo. Mr. Croaker, knowing my friend- ihip for the young lady, has got it into his head that I can perfwade her to what I pleafe. JARVIS. Ah ! if you loved yourfelf but half as well as me loves you, we mould foon fee a marriage that would fet all things to rights again. HONEY WOOD. Love me ! Sure, Jarvis, you dream. No, no ; her intimacy with me never amounted to more than friendmip mere friendfliip. That me is the moft lovely woman that ever warm'd the human heart with defire, I own. But never let me harbour a thought of making her unhappy, by a connexion with one fo unworthy her merits as I am. No, Jar- vis, it mall be my ftudy to ferve her, even in fpite of my wifhes ; and to fecure her happinefs, though it deftroys my own. JARVIS. Was ever the like ! I want patience. HONEYWOOD. Befides, Jarvis, though I could obtain Mifs Rich- land's confent, do you think I could fuccecd with her guardian, or Mrs. Croaker his wife ; who, tho' both very fine in their way, are yet a little oppofite in their difpofitions you know, JARVIS. n THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. JARVIS. Oppofite enough, heaven knows; the veryreverfe of each other ; fhe all laugh and no joke ; he al- ways complaining and never forrowful ; a fretful poor foul that has a new diftrefs for every hour in the four and twenty HONEYWOOD. Hum, hufh, he's coming up, he'll hear you. JARVIS. One who's voice is a paffing bell Well, well, go, do. JARVIS. A raven that bodes nothing but mifchief ; a cof- fin and crofs bones; a bundle of rue ; a fprig of deadly night made ; a (Homyvjood flopping bis mouthy at laft pujbes him of.) [Exit Jarvis. HONEYWOOD. I muft own my old monitor is not entirely wrong. There is fomething in my friend Croaker's conver- fation that quite depreffes me. His very mirth is an antidote to all gaiety, and his appearance has a ftronger effeft on my fpirits than an undertaker's {hop. Mr. Croaker, this is fuch a fatisfadlion EnterJCROAKER. CROAKER. A pleafant morning to Mr. Honeywood, and many of them. How is this ! you look mofl mock- ingly THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. ,j. ingly to day, my dear friend. I hope this weather does not affeft your fpirits. To be Cure, if this weather continues I fay nothing But God fend we be all better this day three months. HONEYVVOOD. I heartily concur in the wifh, though I own not in your apprehenfions. CROAKER. May be not ! indeed what fxgnifies what weather we have in a country going to ruin like ours ? taxes rifmg and trade falling. Money flying out of the kingdom, and Jefuits fwarming into it. I know at this time no lefs than an hundred and twenty-feven Jefuits between Charing- crofs and Temple-bar. HONEYWOOD. The Jefuits will fcarce pervert you or me, I mould hope. CROAKERV May be not. Indeed what fignifies whom they pervert in a country that has fcarce any religion to lofe ? I'm only afraid for our wives and daughters. HONEYWOOD. I have no apprehenfions for the ladies, I aflure you. CROAKER. May be not. Indeed what fignifies whether they be perverted or no ? the women in my time were good for fomething. I have feen a lady drefl from top to toe in her own manufactures formerly. But now ,4 THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. now a-days the devil a thing of their own manufac- tures about them, except their faces. HONEYWOOD. But, however thefe faults may be pradlifed abroad, you don't find them at home, either with Mrs. Croaker, Olivia, or Mifs Richland. CROAKER. The beft of them will never be canoniz'd for a faint when fhe's dead. By the bye, my dear friend, I don't find this match between Mifs Richland and my fon much relifhed, either by one fide or t'other. HONEYWOOD. I thought otherwife. CROAKER. Ah, Mr. Honeywood, a little of your fine ferious advice to the young lady might go far : I know (he has a very exalted opinion of your underftanding. HONEYWOOD. But would not that be ufurping an authority that more properly belongs to yourfelf ? CROAKER. My dear friend, you know but little of my autho- rity at home. People think, indeed, becaufe they fee me come out in a morning thus, with a pleafant face, and to make my friends merry, that all's well within. But I have cares that would break an heart of ftone. My wife has fo encroached upon every one of my privileges, that I'm now no more than a mere lodger in my own houfe. Ho- THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. , 5 HOKEYWOOD. But a little fpirit exerted on your fide might per- haps reftore your authority. CROAKER. No, though I had the fpirit of a lion ! I do rouze fometimes. But what then ! always haggling and haggling. A man is tired of getting the better be- fore his wife is tired of lofing the vidory. HONEYWOOD. It's a melancholy confideration indeed, that our chief comforts often produce our greateft anxieties, and that an encreafe of our pofleffions is but an in- let to new difquietudes. CROAKER. Ah, my dear friend, thefe were the very words of poor Dick Doleful to me not a week before he made away with himfelf. Indeed, Mr. Honeywood, I never fee you but you put me in mind of poor Dick. Ah there was merit neglefted for you ! and fo true a friend ; we lov'd each other for thirty years, and yet he never aiked me to lend him a fin- gle farthing. HONEYWOOD. Pray what could induce him to commit fo rafh an a&ion at laft ? CROAKER. I don't know, fome people were malicious enough to fay it was keeping company with me ; becaufc we ufed to meet now and then and open our hearts to 16 THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. to each other. To be fure I loved to hear him talk, and he loved to hear me talk ; poor dear Dick. He us'd to fay that Croaker rhim'd to joker ; and fo we us'd to laugh Poor Dick. (Going to cry.) HONEYWOOD. His fate affefts me. CROAKER. Ay, he grew fick of this miferable life, where we do nothing but eat and grow hungry, drefs and un- drefs, get up and lie down; while reafon, that mould watch like a nurfe by our fide, falls as fall afleep as we do. HONEYWOOD. To fay truth, if we compare that part of life which is to come, by that which we have paft, the profpeft is hideous. CROAKER. Life at the greateft and bell is but a froward child, that mutt be humour'd and coax'd a little till it falls afleep, and then all the care is over. HONEYWOOD. Very true, Sir, nothing can exceed the vanity of our exiftence, but the folly of our purfuits. We wept when we came into the world, and every day tells us why. CROAKER. Ah, my dear friend, it is a perfeft fatisfa&ion to be miferable with you. My fon Leontine man't lofe the benefit of fuch fine converfation. I'll juft ftep home THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 17 home for him. I am willing to mew him fo much ferioufnefs in one fcarce older than himfelf And what if I bring my laft letter to the Gazetteer on the encreafe and progrefs of earthquakes ? It will amufe us, I promife you. I there prove how the late earthquake is coming round to pay us another vifit from London to Lifbon, from Liibon to the Canary Illands, from the Canary Iflands to Palmyra, from Palmyra to Conftantinople, and fo from Conftanti- nople back to London again. [Exit. HONEY WOOD. Poor Croaker ! his fituation deferves the utmoft pity. , I mall fcarce recover my fpirits thefe three days. Sure to live upon fuch terms is worfe than death itfelf. And yet, when I confider my own fi tuation, a broken fortune, an hopelefs paffion, friends in diltrefs ; the wi(h but not the power to ferve l}\cm(paujtng and Jighing.) Enter BUTLER. BUTLER. More company below, Sir : Mrs. Croaker and Mifs Richland ; fhali I fhew them up ? but they're (hewing up themfelves. [Exit. Enter Mrs. CROAKER and Mifs RICHLAND. ? Mifs RICHLAND. You're always in fuch fpirits. Mrs. CROAKER. We have ju ft come, my dear Honeywood, from the auction. There was the old deaf dowager, as VOL. u. C ufual, ig THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. ufual, bidding like a fury againft herfelf. And then fo curious in antiques ! herfelf the moft genu- ine piece of antiquity in the whole collection. HONEYWOOD. Excufe me, ladies, if fome uneafinefs from friend- fhip makes me unfit to mare in this good humour : I know you'll pardon me. Mrs. CROAKER. I vow he feems as melancholy as if he had taken a dofe of my hufband this morning. Well, if Rich- land here can pardon you, I muft. Mifs RICHLAND. You would feem to infmuate, madam, that I have particular reafons for being difpofed to refufe it. Mrs. CR.OAKER. Whatever I infinuate, my dear, don't be fo ready to wifh an explanation. Mifs RICHLAND. I own I mould be forry, Mr. Honeywood's long friendfhip and mine mould be mifunderftood. HONEYWOOD. There's no anfwering for others, madam. But I hope you'll never find me prefuming to offer more than the moft delicate friendfhip may readily allow. Mifs RICHLAND. And I mail be prouder of fuch a tribute from you than the moft paffionate profeffions from others. Ho- THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 19 HONEY wood. My own fentiments, madam : friendmip is a dif- interefted commerce between equals ; love, an ab- jecl intercourfe between tyrants and flaves. Mifs RICHLAND. And, without a compliment, I know none more difmterefted, or more capable of friendfliip than Mr. Honey wood. Mrs. CROAKER. And, indeed, I know nobody that has more friends, at leaft among the ladies. Mifs Fruzz, Mifs Odbody, and Mifs Winterbottom praife him in all companies. As for Mifs Biddy Bundle, fhe's his profefled admirer. Mifs RICHLAND. Indeed ! an admirer ! I did not know, Sir, you were fuch a favourite there. But is me ferioufly fo handfome ? Is me the mighty thing talked of ? HONEYWOOD. The town, madam, feldom begins to praife a lady's beauty, till fhe's beginning to lofe it. (Smiling.') Mrs. CROAKER. But (he's refolv'd never to lofe it, it feems. For, as her natural face decays, her fkill improves in making the artificial one. Well, nothing diverts me more than one of thofe fine, old, drefiy things, who thinks to conceal her age, by every where expofmg her psrfon ; flicking herfelf up in the front of a fide- C 2 box; to THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. box ; trailing through a minuet at Almack's ; and then, in the public gardens, looking for all the world like one of the painted ruins of the place. HONEYWOOD. Every age has its admirers, ladies. While you, perhaps, are trading among the warmer climates of youth; there ought to be fome to carry on an ufeful commerce in the frozen latitudes beyond fifty. Mifs RICH LAND. But, then, the mortifications they muft fuffer, be- fore they can be fitted out for traffic. I have feen one of them fret an whole morning at her hair- drefTer, when all the fault was her face. HONEYWOOD. And yet, I'll engage, has carried that face at laft to a very good market. This good-natur'd town, madam, has hufbands, like fpedlacles, to fit every age, from fifteen to fourfcore. Mrs. CROAKER. Well, you're a dear good-natur'd creature. But you know you're engaged with us this morning up- on a ftrolling party. I want to mew Olivia the town, and the things ; I believe I ihall have bufi- nefs for you for the whole day. HONEYWOOD. I am forry, madam, I have an appointment with Mr. Croaker, which it is impoflible to put off". Mrs. THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. i Mrs. CROAKER. What ! with my hulband ! then I'm refolved to take no refufal. Nay, I proteft you muft. You know I never laugh fo much as with you. HOKEYWOOD. Why, if I muft, I muft. I'll fwear you have put me into fuch fpirits. Well, do you find jeft, and I'll find laugh, I promife you. We'll wait for the chariot in the next room. [Exeunt. Enter LEONTINE and OLIVIA. LEONTINE. There they go, thoughtlefs and happy. My dear- eft Olivia, what would I give to fee you capable of maring in their amufements, and as cheerful as they are ? OLIVIA. How, my Leontine, how can I be cheerful, when I have fo many terrors to opprefs me ? the fear of being detected by this family, and the apprehenfions of a cenfuring world, when I mull be detected LEONTINE. The world! my love, what can it fay? At worft it can only fay that, being compelled by a merce- nary guardian to embrace a life you difliked, you formed a refolution of flying with the man of your choice ; that you confided in his honour, and took refuge in my father's houfe ; the only one where your's could remain without ccnfure. C 3 On- it THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. OLIVIA. But confider, Leontine, your difobedience and my indifcretion : your being fent to France to bring home a filter ; and, inftead of a filter, bringing home LEONTINE. One dearer than a thoufand fillers. One that I am convinc'd will be equally dear, to the reft of the family, when me comes to be known. OLIVIA. And that, I fear, will Ihortly be. LEONTINE. Impoffible, 'till we ourfelves think proper to make the difcovery. My filter, you know, has been with her aunt, at Lyons, fmce me was a child, and you find every creature in the family takes you for her. OLIVIA. But mayn't fhe write, mayn't her aunt write ? LEONTINE. Her aunt fcarce ever writes, and all my filter's letters are directed to me. OLIVIA. But won't your refuting Mifs Richland, for whom you knew the old gentleman intends you, create a fufpicion ? LEONTINE. There, there's my malter-itroke. I haverefolvcd not to refufe her ; nay, an hour hence I have con- fented to go with my father, to make her an olFer of my heart and fortune. OLI- THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 13 OLIVIA. Your heart and fortune ! LEONTINE. Don't be alarm'd, my deareft. Can Olivia think fo meanly of my honour, or my love, as to fuppofe I could ever hope for happinefs from any but her ? No, my Olivia, neither the force, nor, permit me to add, the delicacy of my paffion, leave any room to fufpeft me. I only offer Mifs Richland an heart, I am convinc'd me will refufe ; as I am con- fident, that, without knowing it, her affeftions are fixed upon Mr. Honeywood OLIVIA. Mr. Honeywood ! You'll excufe my apprehen- fions ; but when your merits come to be put in the balance LEONTINE. You view them with too much partiality. How- ever, by making this offer, I mew a feeming com- pliance with my father's command ; and perhaps, upon her refufal, I may have his confcnt to chufe for myfelf. OLIVIA. Well, I fubinit. And yet, my Leontine, I own, I mail envy her, even your pretended addrefles. I confider every look, every exprefilon of your efteem, as due only to me. This is folly perhaps : I allow it : but it is natural to fuppofe, that merit which C 4 has 2 4 THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. has made an imprefiion on one's own heart, may be powerful over that of another. L F. O N T I N E . Don't, my life's treafure, don't let us make ima- ginary evils, when you know we have fo many real ones to encounter. At worft, you know, if Mifs Richland mould confent, or my father refufe his pardon, it can but end in a trip to Scotland ; and Enter CROAKER. CROAKER. Where have you been, boy ? I have been feeking you. 'My friend Honeywood here, has been faying fuch comfortable things. Ah ! he's an example in- deed. Where is he ? I left him here. LEONTINE. Sir, I believe you may fee him, and hear him too in the next room : he's preparing to go out with the Jadies. CROAKER. Good gracious, can I believe my eyes or my ears ! I'm ftruck dumb with his vivacity, and flunn'd with the loudnefs of his laugh. Was there ever fuch a transformation ! (A laugh behind thefcenes, Croaker mimics it.) Ha ! ha ! ha ! there it goes : a plague take their balderdafh ; yet I could expeft nothing lefs, when my precious wife was of the party. On my confcience, I believe, fhe could fpread an horfe- laugh through the pews of a tabernacle, LEON- THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. * s LEONTINE. Since you find fo many objections to a wife, fir, how can you be fo earned in recommending one to me ? CROAKER. I have told you, and tell you again, boy, that Mifs Richland's fortune mud not go out of the fa- mily ; one may find comfort in the money, whatever one dees in the wife. LEONTINE. But, Sir, though, in obedience to your de/ire, I am ready to marry her ; it may be'poffible, fhe has no inclination to me. CROAKER. I'll tell you once for all how it Hands. A good part of Mifs Richland's large fortune confifts in a claim upon government, which my good friend, Mr. Lofty, affures me the treafury will allow. One half of this fhe is to forfeit, by her father's will, in cafe fhe refufes to marry you. So, if fhe rejeds you, we feize half her fortune ; if fhe accepts you, we feize the whole, and a fine girl into the bargain. LEONTINE. But, Sir, if you will but liften to reafon CROAKER. Come, then, produce your rcafons. I tell you I'm fix'd, determined, fo now produce your reafons. When I'm determined, I always liilen to reafon, be- caufe it can then do no harm. LEON- 2 6 THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. LEONTINE. You have alledged that a mutual choice was the firft requifite in matrimonial happinefs. CROAKER. Well, and you have both of you a mutual choice. She has her choice to marry you, or lofe half her fortune ; and you have your choice to marry her, or pack out of doors without any fortune at all. LEONTIVE. An only fon, Sir, might expeft more indulgence. CROAKER. An only father, Sir, might expedl: more obedi- ence ; befides, has not your filler here, that never difobliged me in her life, as good a right as you ? He's a fad dog, Livy, my dear, and would take all from you. But he man't, I tell you he fhan't, for you mall have your mare. OLIVIA. Dear Sir, I wifh you'd be convinced that I can never be happy in any addition to my fortune, which is taken from his. CROAKER. Well, well, it's a good child, fo fay no more ; but come with me, and we mail fee fomething that will give us a great deal of pleafure, I promife you ; old Ruggins, the curry-comb-maker, lying in ftate; I'm told he makes a very handfome corpfe, and be- comes his coffin prodigiouily. He was an intimate friend of mine, and thefe are friendly things we ought to do for each other. {Exeunt. ACT THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 17 ACT THE SECOND. SCENE, CROAKER'S Houfe. Mifs RIG HL AND, GARNET. Mifs HIGHLAND. OLIVIA not his filler? Olivia not Leontine's fifter? You amaze me ! GARNET. No more his fifter than I am ; I had it all from his own fervant ; I can get any thing from that quarter. Mifs RICH LAND. But how ? Tell me again, Garnet. GARNET. V/hy, madam, as I told you before, inftead of eoing to Lyons, to bring home his fifter, who has been there with her aunt thefe ten years ; he never went further than Paris ; there he faw and fell in love with this young lady, by the bye, of a prodi- gious family. Mifs RICHLAND. And brought her home to my guardian, as his daughter ? GAR- g THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. GARNET. Yes, and his daughter fhe will be. If he don't confent to their marriage, they talk of trying what a Scotch parfon can do. Mifs HIGHLAND. Well, I own they have deceived me And fo de- murely as Olivia carried it to ! Would you believe it, Garnet, I told her all my fecrets ; and yet the fly cheat concealed all this from me ? GARNET. And, upon my word, madam, I don't much blame her; fhe was loth to truft one with her fe- crets, that was fo very bad at keeping her own. Mifs HIGHLAND. But, to add to their deceitthe young gentleman, it feems, pretends to make me ferious propofals. My guardian and he are to be here prefently, to open the affair in form. You know I am to lofe half my fortune if I refufe him. GARNET. Yet, what can you do ? For being, as you are, in love with Mr. Honeywood, madam Mifs RICH LAND. How ! idiot ; what do you mean ? In love with Mr. Honeywood! Is this to provoke me? GARNET. That is, madam, in friendfhip with him; I meant nothing more than friendfhip, as I hope to be mar- ried ; nothing more. THE GOOD-NATUfc'D MAN. s 9 Mlfs RlCHLAND. Well, no more of this ! As to my guardian, and his fon, they mall find me prepared to receive them; I'm refolved to accept their propofal with feeming pleafure, to mortify them by compliance, and fo throw the refufal at laft upon them. GAR NET. Delicious ! and that will fecure your whole for- tune to yourfelf. Well, who could have thought fo innocent a face could cover fo much cutenefs ! Mifs RICHLAND. Why, girl, I only oppofe my prudence to their cunning, and pra&ife a leflbn they have taught me againft themfelves. GARNET. Then you're likely not long to want employment, for here they come, and in clofe conference. Enter CROAKER, LEONTINE. LEONTINE. Excufe me. Sir, if I feem to hefitate upon the point of putting to the lady fo important a quef- tion. CROAKER. Lord ! good Sir, moderate your fears ; you're fo plaguy fhy, that one would think you had changed fexes. I tell you we muft have the half or the whole. Come, let me fee with what fpirit you be- gin ? Well, why don't you? Eh! What? Well then 3 o THE GOOD- NATUR'D MAN. then I muft, it feems Mifs Richland, my dear, I believe you guefs at our bufinefs ; an affair which my fon here comes to open, that nearly concerns your happinefs. Mifs RICHLAND. Sir, I mould be ungrateful not to be pleafed with any thing that comes recommended by you. CROAKER. How, boy, could you defire a finer opening ? Why don't you begin, I fay ? (To Leant.) LEONTINE. 'Tis true, madam, my father, madam, has fome intentions hem of explaining an affair which himfelf can belt explain, madam. CROAKER. Yes, my dear; it comes intirely from my fon; it's all a requeft of his own, madam. And I will permit him to make the bell of it. LEONTINE. The whole affair is only this, madam ; my father has a propofal to make, which he infills none but himfelf ftiall deliver. CROAKER. My mind mifgives me, the fellow will never be brought on. \Afide.} In fhort, madam, you fee be- fore you one that loves you ; one whofe whole hap- pinefs is all in you. Mifs THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 31 Mifs RICH LAND. I never had any doubts of your regard, Sir; and I hope you can have none of my duty. CROAKER. That's not the thing, my little fweeting; my love ! No, no, another guefs lover than I ; there he ftands, madam, his very looks declare the force of his paffion Call up a look you dog {Afide} But then, had you feen him, as I have, weeping, fpeak- ing foliloquies and blank verfe, fomctimcs melan- choly, and fometimes abfent Mifs RICH LAND. I fear, Sir, he's abfent now ; or fuch a decla- ration would have come moft properly from him- felf. CROAKER. Himfelf ! madam, he would die before he could make fuch a confeffion; and if he had not a channel for his paffion through me, it would ere now have drowned his underftanding. Mifs RICK LAND. I muft grant, Sir, there are attractions in modefl diffidence above the force of words. A filent ad- drefs is the genuine eloquence of fincerity. C P. o A K. E R . Madam, he has forgot to fpeak any other lan- guage; iilcnce is become his mother tongue. Mifs RICHLAND. And it muil be confcfled, Sir, it fpeaks very powerfully in his favour. And yet I mall be thought 3 i THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. thought too forward in making fuch a confeffion ; fhan't I, Mr. Leontine ? L E o N T i N E . Confufion ! my referve will undo me. But, if modefty attra&s her, impudence may difguft her. I'll try. {Afide.} Don't imagine from my filence, madam, that I want a due fenfe of the honour and happinefs intended me. My father, madam, tells me, your humble fervant is not totally indifferent to you. He admires you ; I adore you; and when we come together, upon my foul I believe we mail be the happieft couple in all St. James's. Mifs HIGHLAND. If I could flatter myfelf, you thought as you fpeak, Sir LEONTINE. Doubt my fmcerity, madam ? By your dear felf I fwear. Afk the brave, if they defire glory ? aflc cowards, if they covet fafety CROAKER. Well, well, no more queftions about it. LEONTINE. Alk the fick, if they long for health ? afk mifers, if they love money ? aik CROAKER. Aflc a fool, if he can talk nonfenfe ! What's come over the boy? What fignifies afldng, when there's not a foul to give you an anfwer ? If you would THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 33 would aflc to the purpofe, afk this Jady's confent to make you happy. Mifs HIGHLAND. Why indeed, Sir, his uncommon ardour almoft compels me forces me to comply. And yet I'm afraid he'll defpife a conqueft gained with too much eafe : won't you, Mr. Leontine ? LEONTINE. Confufion ! (Afede.) Oh, by no means, madam, by no means. And yet, madam, you talked of force. There is nothing I would avoid fo much as compulfion in a thing of this kind. No, madam, I will Hill be generous, and leave you at liberty to refufe. CROAKER. But I tell you, Sir, the lady is not at liberty. It's a match. You fee me fays nothing. Silence gives confent. LEONTINE. But, Sir, (he talked of force. Confider, Sir, the cruelty of conftraining her inclinations. CROAKER. But I fay there's no cruelty. Don't you know, blockhead, that girls have always a roundabout way of faying yes before company ? So get you both gone together into the next room, and hang him that interrupts the tender explanation. Get you gone, I fay ; I'll not hear a word. VOL. ii. D LE- 34 THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. LEONTINE. But, Sir, I muft beg leave to infift CROAKER. Get off, you puppy, or I'll beg leave to infill upon knocking you down. Stupid whelp ! But I don't wonder, the boy takes entirely after his mo- ther {Exeunt Mi/s Rich. dWLeont. Enter Mrs. CROAKER. Mrs. CROAKER. Mr. Croaker, I bring you fomething, my dear, that I believe will make you fmile. CROAKER. I'll hold you a guinea of that, my dear. Mrs. CROAKER. A letter ; and, as I knew the hand, I ventur'd to open it. CROAKER. And how can you expeft your breaking open my letters mould give me pleafure ? Mrs. CROAKER. Poo, it's from your filler at Lyons, and contains good news : read it. CROAKER. What a Frenchified cover is here ! That fitter of mine has fome good qualities, but I could never teach her to fold a letter. .Mrs. CROAKER. Fold a fiddleftick.. Read what it contains. CROAKER, THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 3s CROAKER, reading. " DEAR NICK, "AN Englifh gentleman, of large fortune, has " for fome time made private, though honourable *' propofals to your daughter Olivia. They love " each other tenderly, and I find me has confented, " without letting any of the family know, to crown " his addrefles. As fuch good offers don't come " every day, your own good fenfe, his large fortune, " and family confiderations, will induce you to for- " give her. " Yours ever, " RACHAEL CROAKER." My daughter, Olivia, privately contracted to a man of large fortune ! This is good news, indeed. My heart never foretold me of this. And yet, how flily the little baggage has carried it fince me came home. Not a word on't to the old ones for the world. Yet, I thought, I faw fomething Ihe want- ed to conceal. Mrs. CROAKER. Well, if they have concealed their amour, they fhan't conceal their wedding ; that mall be public, I'm refolved. CROAKER. I tell thee, woman, the wedding is the moft foolifli part of the ceremony. I can never get this woman to think, of the more ferious part of the nuptial en- gagement. D 2 Mrs. 3 6 THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. Mrs. CROAKER. What, would you have me think of their funeral ? But come, tell me, my dear, don't you owe more to me than you care to confefs ? Would you have ever been known to Mr. Lofty, who has undertaken Mifs Richland's claim at the treafury, but for me ? Who was it firft made him an acquaintance at lady Shabbaroon's rout ? Who got him to promife us his intereft ? Is not he a back-ftairs favourite, one that can do what he pleafes with thofe that do what they pleafe? Is not he an acquaintance that all your groaning and lamentations could never have got us? CROAKER. He is a man of importance, I grant you. And yet, what amazes me is, that while he is giving away places to all the world, he can't get one for himfelf. Mrs. CROAKER. That perhaps may be owing to his nicety. Great men are not eafily fatisfied. Enter FRENCH SERVANT. SERVANT. An expreffe from Monfieur Lofty. He vil be vait upon your honour's inftrammant. He be only giving four five inftruftion, read two three memo- rial, call upon von ambafladeur. He vil be vid you in one tree minutes. Mrs. THE GOOD-NATUR'P MAN. 37 Mrs. CROAKER. You fee now, my dear. What an extenfive de- partment ! Well, friend, let your matter know, that we are extremely honoured by this honour. Was there any thing ever in a higher flyle of breeding ! All meffages among the great are now done by ex- prefs. CROAKER. To be fure, no man does little things with more folemnity, or claims more refpeft than he. But he's in the right on't. In our bad world, refpeft is given, where refpeft is claim'd. Mrs. CROAKER. Never mind the world, my dear; you were never in a pleafanter place in your life. Let us now think of receiving him with proper refp6l (a loud rap- ping at the door] and there he is by the thundering rap. CROAKER. Ay, verily, there he is ; as clofe upon the heels of his own exprefs, as an indorfement upon the back of a bill. Well, I'll leave you to receive him, whilfl I go to chide my little Olivia for intending to fteal a marriage without mine, or her aunt's con- fent. I muft feem to be angry, or me too may be- gin to defpife my authority. [Exit. D * Enter 3 g THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. Enter LOFTY, fpeaking to his Servant. LOFTY. " And if the Venetian ambaiTador, or that teazing creature the marquis, fhould call, I'm not at home. Dam'me, I'll be pack-horie to none of them." My dear madam, I have jutt fnatched a moment " And if the expreffes to his grace be ready, let them be fent off; they're of importance." Madam, [ afk a th.oufa.nd pardons. Mrs. CROAKER, Sir, this honour- LOFTY. " And Dubardieu ! if the perfon calls about the commifiion, let him know that it is made out. As for lord Cumbercourt's ftale requeft, it can keep cold : you underftand me." Madam, I afk ten thou- fand pardons. Mrs. CROAKER. Sir, this honour : LOFTY. t( And, Dubardieu ! if the man comes from the Cornifh borough, you muft do him ; you muft do him, I 'fay." Madam, I afk ten thoufand pardons. " And if the Ruffian ambafTador calls : but he will fcarce call to-day, I believe." And now, madam, I have juft got time to exprefs my Jiappinefs in hav- ing the honour of being permitted to profefs myfelf your moft obedient humble fervant, Mrs, THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 39 Mrs. CROAKER. Sir, the happinefs and honour are all mine ; and yet, I'm only robbing the public while I detain you. LOFTY. Sink the public, madam, when the fair are to be attended. Ah, could all my hours be fo charmingly devoted ! Sincerely, don't you pity us poor crea- tures in affairs ? Thus it is eternally ; folicited for places here, teized for penfions there, and courted every where. I know you pity me. Yes, I fee you do. Mrs. CROAKER. Excufeme, Sir. " Toils of empires pleafures are," as Waller fays. LOFTY. Waller, Waller ; is he of the houfe ? Mrs. CROAKER. The modern poet of that name, Sir. LOFTY. Oh, a modern ! We men of bufmefs defpife the moderns ; and as for the ancients, we have no time to read them. Poetry is a pretty thing enough for our wives and daughters ; but not for us. Why now, here I ftand that know nothing of books. I fay, madam, I know nothing of books ; and yet, I believe, upon a land carriage fifhery, a ftamp aft, or a jag-hire, I can talk my two hours without feeling the want of them. D 4 Mrs. 4 o THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. Mrs. CROAKER. The world is no ftranger to Mr. Lofty's eminence in every capacity. LOFTY. I vow to gad, madam, you make me blufli. I'm nothing, nothing, nothing in the world ; a mere obfcure gentleman. To be fure, indeed, one or two of the prefent minifters are pleafed to reprefent me as a formidable man. I know they are pleafed to be-fpatter me at all their little dirty levees. Yet, upon my foul, I wonder what they fee in me to treat me fo ! Meafures, not men, have always been my mark ; and I vow, by all that's honoura- ble, my refentment has never done the men, as mere men, any marmer of harm that is as mere men. Mrs. CROAKER. What importance, and yet what modefty ! LOFTY. Oh, if you talk of modefty, madam ! there I own, I'm acceffible to praife : modefty is my foible : it was fo, the duke of Brentford ufed to fay of me, " I love Jack Lofty, he ufed to fay :" no man has a finer knowledge of things ; quite a man of inform- ation ; and when he fpeaks upon his legs, by the Lord he's prodigious, he fcouts them ; and yet all men have their faults j too much modefty is his, fays his grace. Mrs, THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 41 Mrs. CROAKER. And yet, I dare fay, you don't want aflurance when you come to folicit for your friends. LOFTY. O, there indeed I'm in bronze. Apropos ! I have juft been mentioning Mifs Richland's cafe to a cer- tain perfonage ; we muft name no names. When I aflc, I'm not to be put off, madam. No, no, I take my friend by the button. A fine girl, Sir; great juftice in her cafe. A friend of mine* Borough intereft. Bufinefs muft be done, Mr. Secretary. I fay, Mr. Secretary, her bufinefs muft be done, Sir. That's my way, madam. Mrs. CROAKER. Blefs me ! you faid ail this to the fecretary of ftate, did you ? LOFTY. I did not fay the fecretary, did I ? Well, curfe it, fince you have found me out I will not deny it. It was to the fecretary. Mrs. CROAKER. This was going to the fountain head at once, not applying to the underftrappers, as Mr. Honeywood would have had us. LOFTY. Honeywood ! he ! he ! He was, indeed, a fine fo- licitor. I fuppofe you have heard what has juft hap- pened to him ? Mrs. 4 z TAB GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. Mrs. CROAKER. Poor dear man ; no accident, I hope. LOFTY. Undone, madam, that's all. His creditors have taken him into cuftody. A prifoner in his own houfe. Mrs. CROAKER. A prifoner in his own houfe ! How ! At this very time ! I'm quite unhappy for him. LOFTY. Why fo am I. The man, to be fure, was im- menfely good-natur'd. But then I could never find that he had any thing in him. Mrs. CROAKER. His manner, to be fure, was exceffive harmlefs ; fome, indeed, thought it a little dull. For my part, I always concealed my opinion. LOFTY. It can't be concealed, madam ; the man was dull, dull as the laft new comedy ! A poor impracticable creature ? I tried once or twice to know if he was fit for bufinefs ; but he had fcarce talents to be groom-porter to an orange barrow. Mrs. CROAKER. How differently does Mifs Richland think of him ! For, I believe, with all his faults, me loves him. LOFTY. Loves him ! Does Ihe ? You mould cure her of that by all means. Let me fee ; what if (he were fent THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 43 fent to him this inftant, in his prefent doleful fitu- ation ? My life for it, that works her cure. Dif- trefs is a perfect antidote to love. Suppofe we join her in the next room ? Mifs Richland is a fine girl, has a fine fortune, and muft not be thrown away. Upon my honour, madam, I have a regard for Mifs Richland ; and rather than me Ihould be thrown away, I fliould think it no indignity to marry her myfeif. [Exeunt. Enter OLIVIA and LEONTINE. LEONTINE. And yet, truft me, Olivia, I had every reafon to exped Mifs Richland's refufal, as I did every thing in my power to deferve it. Her indelicacy furprifes me ! OLIVIA. Sure, Leontine, there's nothing fo indelicate in being fenfible of your merit. If fo, I fear, I mall be the moft guilty thing alive, LEONTINE. But you miltake, my dear. The fame attention 1 ufcd to advance my merit with you, J praftifed to Icflen it with her. What more could I do? OLIVIA. Let us now rather confider what's to be done. We have both diflembled too long I have always been aihamed J am now quite weary of it* Sure I could 4.4 THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. I could never have undergone fo much for any other but you. LEONTINE. And you mall find my gratitude equal to your kindeft compliance. Though our friends mould to- tally forfake us, Olivia, we can draw upon content for the deficiencies of fortune. OLIVIA. Then why mould we defer our fcheme of humble happinefs, when it is now in our power ? I may be the favourite of your father, it is true ; but can it ever be thought, that his prefent kindnefs to a fup- pofed child, will continue to a known deceiver ? LEONTINE. X have many reafons to believe it will. As his attachments are but few, they are lafting. His own marriage was a private one, as ours may be. Be- fides, I have founded him already at a diflance, and find all his anfwers exaclly to our wilh. Nay, by an expreflion or two that dropped from him, I am induced to think he knows of this affair. OLIVIA. Indeed! But that would be an happinefs too great to be expefted. LEONTINE. However it be, I'm certain you have power over him j and am perfuaded, if you informed him of our fituation, that he would be difpofed to pardon it. OLIVIA. THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 43 OLIVIA. You had equal expedations, Leontine, from your laft fcheme with Mifs Richland, which you find has fucceeded moil wretchedly. LEONTINE. And that's the beft reafon for trying another. OLIVIA. If it muft be fo, I fubmit. LEONTINE. As we could wim, he comes this way. Now, my deareft Olivia, be refolute. I'll juft retire within hearing, to come in at a proper time, either to fhare your danger, or confirm your viftory. [Exit* Enter CROAKER. CROAKER. Yes, I muft forgive her ; and yet not too eafily, neither. It will be proper to keep up the decorums of refentment a little, if it be only to imprefs her with an idea of my authority. OLIVIA. How I tremble to approach him ! Might I pre- fume, Sir If I interrupt you CROAKER. No, child, where I have an affection, it is not a little thing that can interrupt me. Affection gets over little things. OLIVIA. 46 THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. OLIVIA. Sir, you're too kind. I'm fenfible how ill I de- ferve this partiality. Yet, heaven knows, there is nothing I would not do to gain it. CROAKER. And you have but too well fucceeded, you little huffey, you. With thofe endearing ways of yours, on my confcience, I could be brought to forgive any thing, unlefs it were a very great offence in- deed. OLIVIA. But mine is fuch an offence When you know my guilt Yes, you mall know it, though I feel the greateft pain in the confeffion. CROAKER. Why then, if it be fo very great a pain, you may fpare yourfelf the trouble; for I know every fy lia- ble of the matter before you begin. OLIVIA. Indeed ! Then Fm undone. CROAKER. Ay, mifs, you wanted to fteal a match, without letting me know it, did you ? But, I'm not worth being confulted, I fuppofe, when there's to be a marriage in my own family. No, I'm to have no hand in the difpofal of my own children. No, I'm nobody. I'm to be a mere article of family lum- be ; a piece of crack'd china to be ftuck up in a corner. OLIVIA. THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 47 OLIVIA. Dear Sir, nothing but the dread of your authority could induce us to conceal it from you. CROAKER. No, no, my confequence is no more ; Fm as little minded as a dead Ruffian in winter, juft fluck up with a pipe in his mouth till there comes a thaw It goes to my heart to vex her. (dJiJe.) OLIVIA. I was prepar'd, Sir, for your anger, and defpair'd of pardon, even while I prefume to afk it. But your feverity fhall never abate my affection, as my punifhment is but juftice. CROAKER. And yet you mould not defpair neither, Livy. We ought to hope all for the beft. OLIVIA. And do you permit me to hope, Sir? Can I ever expeft to be forgiven ? But hope has too long de- ceived me. CROAKER. Why then, child, it fhan't deceive you now, for I forgive you this very moment. I forgive you all j and now you are indeed my daughter. OLIVIA. tranfport ! This kindnefo overpowers me. CROAKER. 1 was always againft feverity to our children. We have been young and giddy ourfelves, and we can't expeft boys and girls to be old before their time. OLIVIA. 4 S THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. OLIVIA. What generofity ! But can you forget the many falfehoods, the diflimulation CROAKER. You did indeed diflemble, you urchin you ; but where's the girl that won't diflemble for an huf- band ? My wife and I had never been married, if we had not diflembled a little beforehand. OLIVIA. It mail be my future care never to put fuch gene- rofity to a fecond trial. And as for the partner of my offence and folly, from his native honour, and the juft fenfe he has of his duty, I can anfwer few vhim that Enter LEONTINE. LEONTINE. Permit him thus to anfwer for himfelf. (Kneeling.) Thus, Sir, let me fpeak my gratitude for this un- merited forgivenefs. Yes, Sir, this even exceeds all your former tendernefs : I now can boaft the molt indulgent of fathers. The life he gave, compared to this, was but a trifling bleffing. CROAKER. And, good Sir, who fent for you, with that fine tragedy face, and flourilhing manner? I don't know what we have to do with your gratitude upon this occafion. THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 49 LEONTINE. How, Sir ! Is it poilible to be filent, when fo much obliged ! Would you refufe me the pleafure of being grateful ! of adding my thanks to my Oli- via's ! of fharing in the tranfports that you have thus occafioned ? CROAKER. Lord, Sir, we can be happy enough, without your coming in to make up the party. I don't know what's the matter with the boy all this day ; he has got into fuch a rhodomontade manner all this morn- ing ! LEONTINE. But, Sir, I that have fo large a part in the bene- fit, is it not my duty to mew my joy ? is the being admitted to your favour fo flight an obligation ? is the happinefs of marrying nty Olivia fo fmall a bleffing ? CROAKER. Marrying Olivia ! marrying Olivia ! marrying his own fifter ! Sure the boy is out of his fenfes. His own fifter ! LEONTINE. My fifter ! OLIVIA. Sifter ! How have I been midaken ! [AJide. LEONTINE. Some curs'd miftake in all this I find. {AJide. v o L. ii. E CROAKER. 5 o THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. CROAKER. What does the booby mean ? or has he any mean- ing? Eh, what do you mean, you blockhead you ? LEONTINE. Mean, Sirwhy, Sir only when my fitter is to be married, that I have the pleafure of marrying her, Sir, that is, of giving her away, Sir I hare made a point of it. CROAKER. O, is that all. Give her away. You have made a point of it. Then you had as good make a point of firft giving away yourfelf, as Fm going to prepare the writings between you and Mifs Richland this very minute. What a fufs is here about nothing ! Why, what's the matter now ? I thought I had made you at leaft as happy as you could wilh. OLIVIA. O ! yes, Sir, very happy. CROAKER. Do you forefee any thing, child ? You look as if you did. I think if any thing was to be forefeen, I have as fharp a look out as another : and yet I fore- fee nothing. [Exit. LEONTINE, OLIVIA. OLIVIA. What can it mean ? LEONTINE. He knows fomething, and yet for my life I can't tell what. OLIVIA. THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 51 OLIVIA. It can't be the connexion between us, I'm pretty certain. LEONTINE. Whatever it be, my deareft, I'm refolved to put it out of fortune's power to repeat our mortification. I'll hafte and prepare for our journey to Scotland this very evening. My friend Honeywood has pro- mi fed me his advice and affiftance. I'll go to him, and repofe our diflrefles on his friendly bofom : and I know fo much of his honefl heart, that if he can't relieve our uneafmefles, he will at leaft (hare them. [Exeurtf. E 2 ACT THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. ACT THE THIRD. SCENE, Young HONEYWOOD'S Houfe. BAILIFF, HONEYVVOOD, FOLLOWER. BAILIFF. JL/OOKEY, Sir, I have arrefted as good men as you in my time : no difparagcment of you neither. Men that would go forty guineas on a game of crib- bage. I challenge the town to (hew a man in more genteeler praftice than myfelf. HONEYWOOD. Without all queftion, Mr. . I forget your name, Sir? BAILIFF. How can you forget what you never knew ; he ! he ! he ! HONEYWOOD. May I beg leave to aflc your name ? BAILIFF. Yes, you may. HONEYWOOD. Then, pray, Sir, what is your name, Sir ? BAILIFF. THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 53 BAILIFF. That I didn't promife to tell you. He! he! he! A joke breaks no bones, as we fay among us that praftife the law. HONEYWOOD. You may have reafon for keeping it a fecret, per- haps ? BAILIFF. The law does nothing without reafon. I'm afham'd to tell my name to no man, Sir. If you can (hew caufe, as why, upon a fpecial capus, that I mould prove my name But, come, Timothy Twitch is my name. And, now you know my name, what have you to fay to that ? HONEYWOOD. Nothing in the world, good Mr. Twitch, but that I have a favour to aflc, that's all. BAILIFF. Ay, favours are more eafily aflced than granted, as we fay among us that pra&ife the law. I have taken an oath againlt granting favours. Would you have me perjure myfelf ? HONEYWOod. But my requeft will come recommended in fo ftrong a manner, as, I believe, you'll have no fcru- ple (pulling out his purfe) The thing is only this : I believe I fhall be able to difcharge this trifle in two or three days at fartheft ; but as I would not have the affair known for the world, I have thoughts of E 3 keep- 54 THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. keeping you, and your good friend here, about me till the debt is difcharged ; for which I fhall be pro- perly grateful, BAILIFF. Oh ? that's another maxum, and altogether with- in my oath. For certain, if an honeft man is to get any thing by a thing, there's no reafon why all thingb mould not be done in civility. HONEY WOOD. Doubdefs, all trades muft live, Mr. Twitch ; and yours is a neceffary one. (Gives him money,) BAILIFF. Oh ! your honour ; I hope your honour takes no- thing amifs as I does, as I does nothing but my duty in fo doing. I'm fure no man can fay I ever give a gentleman, that was a gentleman, ill ufage. If I faw that a gentleman was a gentleman, I have taken money not to fee him for ten weeks toge* ther. HONEYWOOD. Tendernefs is a virtue, Mr. Twitch. BAILIFF. Ay, Sir, it's a perfeft treafure. I love to fee a gentleman with a tender heart. I don't know, but I think I have a tender heart myfelf. If all that I have loft by my heart v/as put together, it would make a but no matter for that. HONP.YWOOD. Don't account it loft, Mr. Twitch. The ingra- titude of the world can never deprive us of the con- fcious THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. JS fclous happinefs of having acted with humanity our- felves. BAILIFF. Humanity, Sir, is a jewel. It's better than gold. I love humanity. People may fay, that we, in our way, have no humanity ; but I'll fhew you my hu- manity this moment. There's my follower here, little Flanigan, with a wife and four children, a guinea or two would be more to him, than twice as much to another. Now, as I can't fhew him any humanity myfelf, I muft beg leave you'll do it for me. HONEYWOOD. I aflure you, Mr. Twitch, yours is a moft power- ful recommendation. (Giving money to the follower.) BAILIFF. Sir, you're a gentleman. I fee you know what to do with your money. But, to bufmefs : we are to be with you here as your friends, I fuppofe. But fet in cafe company comes. Little Flanigan here, to be fure, has a good face ; a very good face : but then, he is a little fecdy, as we fay among us that pra&ife the law. Not well in cloaths. Smoke the pocket-holes. HONEY WOOD. Well, that mall be remedied without delay. E 4. Enter 5 6 THEGOOP-NATUR'DMAN. Enter SERVANT. SERVANT. Sir, Mifs Richland is below. HONEYWOOD. How unlucky! Detain her a moment. We muft improve my good friend, little Mr. Flanigan's ap- pearance firft. Here, let Mr. Flanigan have a fuit of my cloaths quick the brown and filver Do you hear? SERVANT. That your honour gave away to the begging gen- tleman that makes verfes, becaufe it was as good as new. HONEYWOOD. The white and gold then. SERVANT. That, your honour, I made bold to fell, becaufe jt was good for nothing. HONEY WOOD. Well, the firft that comes to hand then. The blue and gold then. J believe Mr. Flanigan will look -beft in blue. [Exit Flanigan. BAILIFF. Rabbit me, but little Flanigan will look well in any thing. Ah, if your honour knew that bit of flefh as well as I do, you'd be perfectly in love with him. There's not a prettier, fcout in the four coun- ties after a fhy-cock than he : fcents like a hound ; flicks like a vveazle. He was matter of the ceremo- nies THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 57 nies to the black queen of Morocco, when I took him to follow me. (Re-enter Flanigan.) Heh, ecod, I think he looks fo well, that I don't care if I have a fuit from the fame place for sayfelf. HONEYWOOD. Well, well, I hear the Jady .coming. Dear Mr. Twitch, I beg you'll give your friend directions not to fpeak. As for yourfelf, I know you will fay no- thing without being directed. BAILIFF. Never you fear me; I'll (hew the lady that I have fomething to fay for myfelf as well as another. One man has one way of talking, and another man has another, that's all the difference between them. Enter Mifs RICHLAND and her MAID. Mifs RICHLAND. You'll be furpriz'd, Sir, with thisvifit. But you know I'm yet to thank you for chufing my little library. HONEYWOOD. Thanks, madam, are unnecefTary ; as it was I ' that was obliged by your commands. Chairs here. Two of my very good friends, Mr, Twitch and Mr. Flanigan. Pray, gentlemen, fit without cere- mony. Mifs RICHLAND. Who can thefe odd- looking men be ! I fear it is as I was informed. It mud be fo. (AJtdt.) BAILIFF, s g THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. BAILIFF, after a Paufe. Pretty weather, very pretty weather for the time of the year, madam. FOLLOWER. Very good circuit weather in the country. HONEYWOOD. You officers are generally favourites among the ladies. My friends, madam, have been upon very difagreeable duty, I affure you. The fair fhould, in fome meafure, recompence the toils of the brave ! Mifs RICHLAND. Our officers do indeed deferve every favour. The gentlemen are in the marine fervice, I prefume, Sir? HONEYWOOD. Why, madam, they do occaiionally ferve in the fleet, madam. A dangerous fervice 1 Mifs RICHLAND. I'm told fo. And I own, it has often furprized me, that while we have had fo many inftances of bravery there, we have had fo few of wit at home to praife it. HONEYWOOD. I grant, madam, that our poets have not written as our foldiers have fought ; but they have done all they could, and Hawke or Amheril could do do more. Mifs RICHLAND. I'm quite difpleafed when I fee a fine fubjecl: fpoil- ed by a dull writer, HONEY- THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. S9 HONEYWOOD. We mould not be fo fevere againft dull writers, madam. It is ten to one, but the dulleft writer ex- ceeds the mod rigid French critic who prefumes to defpife him. FOLLOWER. Damn the French, the parle vous, and all that belongs to them. Mifs RlCHLAND. Sir! HONEYWOOD. Ha, ha, ha! honeft Mr. Flanigan. A true Eng- lifh officer, madam ; he's not contented with beat- ing the French, but he will fcold them too. Mifs RICHLAND. Yet, Mr. Honeywood, this does not convince me but that feverity in criticifm is neceflary. It was our firft adopting the feverity of French tafte, that has brought them in turn to tafte us, BAILIFF. Tafte us ! By the Lord, madam, they devour us, Give monfeers but a taile, and I'll be damn'd but they come in for a bellyful. Mifs RICHLAND. Very extraordinary this! FOLLOWER. But very true. What makes the bread rifing? the parle vous that devour us. What makes the piutton fivepenc; a pound ? the parle vous that eat it 6 T.HE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. it up. What makes the beer threepence-halfpenny a pot ? HONEYWOOD. Ah ! the vulgar rogues ; all will be out. (Afede.} Right, gentlemen, very right, upon my word, and quite to the purpofe. They draw a parallel, ma- dam, between the mental tafte and that of our fenfes. We are injured as much by French feverity in the one, as by French rapacity in the other. That's their meaning. Mifs HIGHLAND. Though I don't fee the force of the parallel, yet, I'll own, that we mould fometimes pardon books, as we do our friends, that have now and then agree- able abfurdities to recommend them. BAILIFF. That's all my eye. The king only can pardon, as the laws fays : for, fet in cafe HONEYWOOD. I'm quite of your opinion, Sir. I fee the whole drift of your argument. Yes, certainly, our pre- fuming to pardon any work, is arrogating a power that belongs to a another. If all have power to condemn, what writer can be free ? BRILIFF. By his habus corpus. His habus corpus can fet him free at any time : for, fet in cafe HONEYWOOD. I'm obliged to you, Sir, for the hint. If, ma- dam, as my friend obferves, our laws are fo careful of THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 61 of a gentleman's perfon, fure we ought to be equal- ly careful of his dearer part, his fame. FOLLOWER. Ay, but if fo be a man's nabb'd, you know HONEYWOOD. Mr. Flanigan, if you fpoke for ever, you could not improve the laft obfervation. For my own part, I think it conclufive. BAILIFF. As for the matter of that, mayhap HONEYWOOD. Nay, Sir, give me leave in this inftance to be po- fitive. For, where is the neceflity of cenfuring works without genius, which muft fhortly fink of themfelves ? what is it, but aiming our unneceiTary blow againft a vi&im already under the hands of juftice ? BAILIFF. Juftice ! O, by the elevens, if you talk about juf- tice, I think I am at home there : for, in a courfe of law HONEYWOOD. My dear Mr. Twitch, I difcern what you'd be at perfectly; and I believe the lady muft be fenfible of the art with which it is introduced. I fuppofe you perceive the meaning, madam of his courfe of law. Mifs RICHLAND. I proteft, Sir, I do not. I perceive only that you anfwer one gentleman before he has finiftied, and the other before he has well begun. BAILIFF. 6^ THE GOOD-NATUR*D MAN. BAILIFF. Madam, you are a gentlewoman, and I will make the matter out. This here queftion is about feverity and juftice, and pardon, and the like of they. Now to explain the thing HONEYWOOD. O ! curfe your explanations. \_AJlde, Enter SERVANT. SERVANT. Mr. Leontine, Sir, below, defires to fpeak with you upon earneit bufmefs. HONEYWOOD. That's lucky. (Afide.} Dear madam, you'll ex- cufe me and my good friends here, for a few mi- nutes. There are books, madam, to amufe you. Come, gentlemen, you know I make no ceremony with fuch friends. After you, Sir. Excufe me. Well, if I muft. But I know your natural politenefs. BAILIFF. Before and behind, you know. FOLLOWER. Ay, ay, before and behind, before and behind. \Exeunt Honeywood, Bailiff, and Follower. Mifs HIGHLAND. What can all this mean, Garnet ? GARNET. Mean, -madam! why, -what mould it mean, but what Mr. Lofty fent you here to fee ! Thefe peo- ple THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 63 p!e he calls officers are officers fure enough : (herifPs officers ; bailiffs, madam. Mifs HIGHLAND. Ay, it is certainly fo. Well, though his per- plexities are far from giving me pleafure, yet I own there's fomething very ridiculous in them, and a juft punifhment for his dilTiinuiation. GARNET. And fo they are. But I wonder, madam, that the lawyer you juft employed to pay his debts, and fei him free, has not done it by this time. He ought at leafl to have been here before now. But lawyers are always more ready to get a man into troubles, than out of them. Enter Sir WILLIAM. Sir WILLIAM. For Mifs Richland to undertake fetting him free, I own, was quite unexpected. It has totally un- hinged my fchemes to reclaim him. Yet, it gives me pleafure to find, that, among a number of worth- lefs friendfhips, he has made one acquifition of real value ; for there muft be fome fofter paffion on her fide that prompts this generofity. Ha ! here before me : I'll endeavour to found her affe&ions. Ma- dam, as 1 am the perfon that have had fome de- mands upon the gentleman of this houfe, I hope you'll excufe me, if, before I enlarged him, I want- ed to fee yourfelf. Mifs 6 4 THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. Mifs HIGHLAND. The precaution was very unnecefTary, Sir. I fup- pofe your wants were only fuch as my agent had power to fatisfy. Sir WILLIAM. Partly, madam. But, I was alfo willing you fhould be fully apprized of the character of the gen- tleman you intended to ferve. Mifs RICH LAND. It muft come, fir, with a very ill grace from you. To cenfure it, after what you have done, would look like malice ; and, to fpeak favourably of a character you have oppreffed, would be impeaching your own. And fure, his tendernefs, his humanity, his univerfal friendfhip, may atone for many faults. Sir WILLIAM. That friendfhip, madam, which is exerted in too wide a fphere, becomes totally ufelefs. Our boun- ty, like a drop of water, difappears when diffufed too widely. They, who pretend moft to this uni- verfal benevolence, are either deceivers, or dupes. Men who defire to cover their private ill-nature, by a pretended regard for all ; or, men who, reafoning themfelves into falfe feelings, are more earneft in purfuit of fplendid, than of ufeful virtues. Mifs RICHLAND. I am furprifed, Sir, to hear one, who has 1 probably been a gainer by the folly of others, fo fevere in his cenfure of it. Sir THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 65 Sir WILLIAM. Whatever I may have gained by folly, madam, you fee I am willing to prevent your lofing by it. Mifs RICHLAND. You cares for me, Sir, are unneceflary. I always fufpeft thofe fervices which are denied where they are wanted, and offered, perhaps, in hopes of a re- fufal. No, Sir, my directions have been given, and I infift upon their being complied with. Sir WILLIAM. Thou amiable woman ! I can no longer contain the expreffions of my gratitude : my pleafure. You fee before you one, who has been equally careful of his intereft ; one, who has for fome time been a con- cealed fpedlator of his follies, and only punimed, in hopes to reclaim them his uncle ! Mifs RICHLAND. Sir William Honeywood ! You amaze me. How mall I conceal my oonfufio^|| I fear, Sir, you'll think I have been too forward in my fervices. I confefs I Sir WILLIAM. Don't make any apologies, madam. I only find myfelf unable to repay the obligation. And yet, I have been trying my intereft of late to ferve you. Having learnt, madam, that you had fome demands upon government, I have, though unafked, been your folicitor there. VOL. ii. F Mifs C6 THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. Mifs RlCHLAND. Sir, I'm infinitely obliged to your intentions, But my guardian has employed another gentleman. who aflures him of fuccefs. Sir WILLIAM. Who, the important little man that vifits here ? Truft me, madam, he's quite contemptible among men in power, and utterly unable to ferve you. Mr. Lofty's promifes are much better known to people of fafhion, than his perfon, I affure you. Mifs RlCHLAND. How have we been deceived ! As fure as can be, here he comes. Sir WILLIAM. Does he ! Remember I'm to continue unknown. My return to England has not as yet been made public. With what impudence he enters 1 Enter LOFTY. UiOFTY. Let the chariot let my chariot drive off; I'll vifit to his grace's in a chair. Mifs Richland here be- fore me ! Punctual, as ufual, to the calls of huma- nity. I'm very forry, madam, things of this kind mould happen, efpecially to a man I have fhewn every where, and carried amongft us as a particular acquaintance. Mifs RICHLAND. I find, Sir, you have the art of making the mis- fortunes of others your own. LOFTY. THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 67 LOFTY. My dear madam, what can a private man like me do ? One man can't do every thing ; and then, I do fo much in this way every day : let me fee ; fomething confiderable might be done for him by fubfcription ; it could not fail if I carried the lift. I'll undertake to fet down a brace of dukes, two dozen lords, and half the lower houfe, at my own peril. Sir WILLIAM. And, after all, it's more than probable, Sir, he might rejeft the offer of fuch powerful patronage. LOFTY. Then, madam, what can we do ? You know I never make promifes. In truth, I once or twice tried to do fomething with him in the way of bufi- nefs ; but, as I ofcen told his uncle, Sir William Honeywood, the man was utterly impracticable. Sir WILLIAM. His uncle ! Then that gentleman, I fuppofe, is a particular friend of yours. LOFTY. Meaning me, Sir ? Yes, madam, as I often faid, my dear Sir William, you are fenfible I would do any thing, as far as my poor intereft goes, to ferve your family : but what can be done f there's no procuring firft-rate places for ninth-rate abilities. F 2 Mifs fig THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. Mifs RlCHLAND. I have heard of Sir William Honeywood ; he's abroad in employment: he confided in your judg- ment, I fuppofe. LOFTY. Why, yes, madam, I believe Sir William had fome reafon to confide in my Judgment; one little reafon, perhaps. Mifs RICHLAND. Pray, Sir, What was it ? LOFTY. Why, madam but let it go no further it was I procured him his place. Sir WILLIAM. Did you, Sir ? LOFTY. Either you or I, Sir, Mifs RICHLAND. This, Mr. Lofty, was very kind indeed. LOFTY. I did love him, to be fure ; he had fome amufing qualities ; no man was fitter to be toaft-mafter to a club, or had a better head. Mifs RICHLAND. A better head ? LOFTY. Ay, at a bottle. To be fure, he was as dull as a choice fpirit : but hang it, he was grateful, very grateful; and gratitude hides a multitude of faults. Sir THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 6 9 Sir WILLIAM. He might have reafon, perhaps. His place is pretty considerable, I'm told. LOFTY. A trifle, a mere trifle, among us men of bufinefs. The truth is, he wanted dignity to fill up a greater. Sir WILLIAM. Dignity of perfon, do you mean, Sir? I'm told he's much about my fize and figure, Sir. LOFTY. Ay, tall enough for a marching regiment; but then he wanted a fomething a confequence of form a kind of aI believe the lady perceives my meaning. Mifs RICH LAND. O, perfectly : you courtiers can do any thing, I fee. LOFTY. My dear madam, all this is but a meer exchange : we do greater things for one another every day. Why, as thus, now : let me fuppofe you the firft lord of the treafury ; you have an employment in you that 1 want ; I have a place in me that you want ! do me here, do you there : intereft of both fides, few words, flat, done and done, and its over. Sir WILLIAM. A thought ftrikes me. {Af.de."} Now you mention Sir William Honeywood, madam ; and as he feems, Sir, an acquaintance of yours ; you'll be glad to hear he's arrived from Italy ; I had it from a friend F 3 who 7 o THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. who knows him as well as Jie does me, and you may depend on my information. LOFTY. The devil he is ! If I had known that, we ihoa 1 ! not have been quite fo well acquainted. {Ajlde.} Sir WILLIAM. He is certainly return'd ; and, as this gentleman is a friend of yours, he- can be of fignal fervice to us, by introducing me to him ; there are fome pa- pers relative to your affairs, that require difpatch and his infpeftion. Mifs RICH LAND. This gentleman, Mr, Lofty, is a perfon employed in my affairs : I know you'll ferve us. LOFTY. My dear madam, I live but to ferve you. Sir William {hall even wait upon him, if you think proper to command it. Sir WILLIAM. That would be quite unnecefTary. LOFTY. Well, we muft introduce you then. Call upon me let me fee ay, ip two days. Sir WILLIAM. Now, or the opportunity will be loft for ever. LOFTY. Well, if it muft be now, now let it be. But damn it, that's unfortunate; my lord Grig's curfed Pen* facola THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 7I facola bufinefs comes on this very hour, and I'm engaged to attend another time- Sir WILLIAM. A fhort letter to Sir William will do. LOFTY. You mail have it ; yet, in my opinion, a letter is a very bad way of going to work ; face to face, that's my way. Sir WILLIAM. The letter, Sir, will do quite as well. LOFTY. Zounds ! Sir, do you pretend to direct me ; di- rect me in the bufinefs of office ? Do you know me, Sir ? who am I ? Mifs HIGHLAND. Dear Mr. Lofty, this requeft is not fo much his. as mine ; if my commands but you defpife my power. LOFTY. Delicate creature ! your commands could even controul a debate at midnight : to a power fo con- /Ktutional, I am all obedience and tranquillity. He lhall have a letter; where is my fecretary ! Dubar- dieu ! And yet, I proteft I don't like this way of doing bufinefs. I think if I fpoke firft to Sir Wil- liam But you will have it fo. [Exit with Mifs Richland. Sir WILLIAM, alone. Ha, ha, ha ! This too is one of my nephew's hopeful afibciates. O vanity, thou conftant deceiver, F 4 how 7 t THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. how do all thy efforts to exalt, ferve but to fink us ! Thy falfe colourings, like thofe employed, to heighten beauty, only feem to mend that bloom which they contribute to deftroy. I'm not difpleaf-r ed at this interview : expofmg this fellow's impu- dence to the contempt it deferves, may be of ufe to my defign ; at leaft, if he can reflect, it will be of ufe to himfelf. Enter JARVIS, Sir WILLIAM. How now, Jarvis, where's your mafter, my ner phe\v ? JARVIS. At his wit's end, I believe : he's fcarce gotten out of one fcrape, but he's running his head into another. Sir WILLIAM. How fo ? JARVIS. The houfe has but juft been cleared of the bailiffs, and now he's again engaging tooth and nail in af- fifting old Croaker's fon to patch up a clandefline match with the young lady that pafles in the houfe for his fifter. Sir WILLIAM, pver bufy to ferve others, JARVIS, THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 7$ JARVIS. Aye, any body but himfelf. The young couple, it feems, are juft fetting out for Scotland; and he fupplics them with money for the journey. Sir WILLIAM. Money ! how is he able to fupply others, who has fcarce any for himfelf? JARVIS. Why, there it is : he has no money, that's true ; but then, as he never faid no to any requeft in his life, he has given them a bill, drawn by a friend of his upon a merchant in the city, which I am to get changed ; for you mud know that I am to go with them to Scotland myfelf. Sir WILLIAM, How! JARVIS. It feems the young gentleman is obliged to take a different road from his miftrefs, as he is to call upon an uncle of his that lives out of the way, in order to prepare a place for their reception, when they return ; fo they have borrowed me from my matter, as the propereft perfon to attend the young lady down. Sir WILLIAM. To the land of matrimony ! A pleafant journey, Jarvis, JARVIS. Ay, but I'm only to have all the fatigues on't. Sii 74. THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. Sir WILLIAM. Well, it may be fhorter, and lefs fatiguing, than you imagine. I know but too much of the young lady's family and conne&ions, whom I have feen abroad. I have alfo difcovered that Mifs Richland is not indifferent to my thoughtlefs nephew ; and will endeavour, though I fear, in vain, to eftablifh that connexion. But, come, the letter I wait for muft be almoft finimed ; I'll let you further into my intentions, in the next room. [Exeunt. A C T THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 75 ACT THE FOURTH. SCENE, CROAKER'S Houfe. LOFTY. W ELL, fure the devil's in me of late, for run- ning my head into fuch defiles, as nothing but a genius like my own could draw me from. I was formerly contented to huiband out ray places and penfions with fome degree of frugality ; but, curfc it, of late I have given away the whole Court Re- gifler in lefs 'time than they could print the title page : yet, hang it, why fcruple a lie or two to come at a fine girl, when I every day tell a thoufand for nothing. Ha ! Honeywood here before me, Could Mifs Richland have fet him at liberty } Enter HONEYWOOD. Mr, Honeywood, I'm glad to fee you abroad again. I find my concurrence was not neceflary in your unfortunate affairs. I had put things in a train to do your bufmefs ; but it is not for me to fay what Jl intended doing, 7 5 THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. HONEYWOOD. It was unfortunate indeed, Sir. But what adds to my uneafmefs is, that while you feem to be ac- quainted with my misfortune, I, myfelf, continue ftill a ftranger to my benefactor, LOFTY. How ! not know the friend that ferved you ? HONEYWOOD. Can't guefs at the perfon. LOFTY. Inquire. HONEYWOOD. I have j but all I can learn is, that he chufes to remain concealed, and that all inquiry muft be fruit- lefs. LOFTY. Muft be fruitlefs ? HONEYWOOD. Abfolutely fruitlefs. LOFTY. Sure of that ? HONEYWOOD. Very fure. LOFTY. Then I'll be damn'd if you (hall ever know it from me. HONEYWOOD. How, Sir! LOFTY. THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 77 LOFTY. I fuppofe now, Mr. Honeywood, you think my rent-roll very confiderable, and that I have vail Aims of money to throw away ; I know you do. The world to be fure fays fuch things of me. HONEYWOOD. The world, by what I learn, is no ftranger to your generofity. But where does this tend? LOFTY. To nothing ; nothing in the world. The town, to be fure, when it makes fuch a thing as me the fubjeft of converfation, has aflerted, that I never yet patronized a man of merit. HONEYWOOD. I have heard inftances to the contrary, even from yourfelf. LOFTY. Yes, Honeywood, and there are inftances to the contrary, that you (hall never hear from myfelf. HONEYWOOD. Ha ! dear Sir, permit me to afk you but one queftion. LOFTY. Sir, afk me no queftions: I fay, Sir, afk me no queftions ; I'll be damn'd, if I anfwer them. HONEYWOOD. I will afk no further. My friend ! my benefactor, it is, it muft be here, that I am indebted for free- dom, for honour. Yes, thou worthieft of men, from 7 g THE GdOD NATUR'D MAN. from the beginning I fufpefted it, but was afraid to return thanks ; which, if undeferved, might feem reproaches. LOFTY. I proteft I don't underitand all this, Mr. Honey- wood. You treat me very cavalierly. I do affure you, Sir. Blood, Sir, can't a man be permitted to enjoy the luxury of his own feelings, without all this parade ? HONEYWOOD. Nay, do not attempt to conceal an action that adds to your honour. Your looks, your air, your manner, all confefs it. LOFTY. Confefs it, Sir ! Torture itfelf, Sir, mail never bring me to confefs it. Mr. Honeywood, I have admitted you upon terms of friendihip. Don't let us fall out; make me happy, and let this be buried in oblivion. You know I hate ofientation ; you know I do. Come, come, Honeywood, you know I always, loved to be a friend, and not a patron. I beg this may make no kind of diftance between us. Come, come, you and I muft be more familiar Indeed we muft. HONEY WOOD. Heavens ! Can I ever repay fuch friendfhip ! Is there any way ! Thou beft of men, can I ever re- turn the obligation ? LOFTY. THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 79 LOFTY. A bagatelle, a mere bagatelle ! But I fee your heart is labouring to be grateful. You fhall be grateful. It would be cruel to difappoint you. HONEY WOOD. How ! teach me the manner. Is there any way? LOFTY. From this moment you're mine. Yes, my friend, you fhall know it I'm in love. HONEYWOOD. And can I affift you ? LOFTY. Nobody fo well. HONEYWOOD. In what manner. I'm all impatience. LOFTY. You fhall make love for me. HONEYWOOD. And to whom fhall I fpeak in your favour ? LOFTY. To a lady with whom you have great intereft, I afTure you : Mifs Richland. HONEYWOOD. Mifs Richland ! LOFTY. Yes, Mifs Richland. She has ftruck the blow up to the hilt in my bofom, by Jupiter. Ho- So TAB GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. HONEYWOOD. Heavens ! was ever any thing more unfortunate ! It is too much to be endured. LOFTY. Unfortunate indeed ! And yet I can endure it, till you have opened the affair to her for me. Be- tween ourfelves, I think ihe likes me. I'm not apt to boaft, but I think me does. HONEYWOOD. Indeed ! But, do you know the perfon you ap- ply to ? LOFTY. Yes, I know you are her friend and mine : that's enough. To you, therefore, I commit the fuccefs of my paflion. I'll fay no more, let friendfhip do the reft. I have only to add, that if at any time my little intereft can be of fervice but, hang it, I'll make no promifes you know my intereft is yours at any time. No apologies, my friend, I'll not be anfwered, it fhall be fo. [Exit. HONEYWOOD. Open, generous, unfufpefting man ! He little thinks that I love her too ; and with fuch an ardent paffion ! But then it was ever but a vain and hope- lefs one ; my torment, my perfecution ! What mall I do ! Love, friendfliip, an hopelefs paffion, a de- ferring friend ! Love, that has been my tormentor; a friend, that has, perhaps, diftrefled himfelf, to ferve me. It fliall be fo. Yes, I will difcard the fondling hope from my bofom, and exert all my influence THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. g, influence in his favour. And yet to fee her in the pofTeflion of another! Infupportable ! But then to betray a generous, trufting friend ! Worfe, worfe ! Yes, I'm refolved. Let me but be the in- ftrument of their happinefs, and then quit a coun- try, where I muft for ever defpair of finding my own. [Exit. Enter OLIVIA, and GARNET, who carries a Mil- liner's Box. OLIVIA. Dear me, I wifli this journey were over. No news of Jarvis yet ? I believe the old peevifti creature delays purely to vex me. GARNET. Why, to be fure, madam, I did hear him fay, a little fnubbing, before marriage, would teach you to bear it the better afterwards. OLIVIA. To be gone a full hour, though he had only to get a bill changed in the city ! How provoking ! GARNET. I'll lay my life, Mr. Leontine, that had twice as much to do, is fetting off by this time from his inn ; and here you are left behind. OLIVIA. Well, let us be prepared for his coming, however. Are you fure you have omitted nothing, Garnet? vo L. ii. G GAR,- 8i THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. GARNET. Not a ftick, madam all's here. Yet I wifh you could take the white and filver to be married in. It's the woril luck in the world, in any thing but white. I knew one Bett Stubbs, of our town, that was married in red ; and, as fure as eggs is eggs, the bridegroom and me had a miff before morning. OLIVIA. No matter. I'm all impatience till we are out of the houfe. GARNET. Blefs me, madam, I had almoft forgot the wed- ding-ring ! The fweet little thing I don't think it would go on my little finger. And what if I put in a gentleman's night-cap, in cafe of neceflity, madam ? But here's Jarvis. Enter JARVIS. OLIVIA. O, Jarvis, are you come at laft ? We have been ready this half hour. Now let's be going. Let us fly! JARVIS. Aye, to Jericho ; for we mall have no going to Scotland this bout, I fancy. OLIVIA. How ! What's the matter ? JARVIS. Money, money, is the matter, madam. We have got no money. What the plague do you fend me of THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAM. 8; of your fool's errand for ? My matter's bill upon the city is not worth a rufh. Here it is; Mrs. Gar- net may pin up her hair with it. OLIVIA. Undone ! How could Honey wood ferve us fo ! What fhall we do ? Can't we go without it ? JARVIS. Go to Scotland without money ! To Scotland without money ! Lord how fome people ufiderftand geography ! We might as well fet fail for Patago- nia upon a cork jacket. OLIVIA. Such a difappointment ! What a bafe infincere man was your mailer, to ferve us in this manner ? Is this his good nature ? JARVIS. Nay, don't talk 111 of my matter, madam. J won't bear to hear any body talk ill of him but rayfelf. GARNET. Blefsus! now I think on't, madam, you need not be under any uneafmefs : I faw Mr. Leontine receive forty guineas from his father jutt before he fet out, and he can't yet have left the inn. A fhort letter will reach him there. OLIVIA. Well remember'd, Garnet; I'll write immediately, How's this ! Blefs me, my hand trembles fo, I can't write a word. Do you write, Garnet; and, upon fecond thought, it will be better from you. G 2 GARNET. 84 THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. GARNET. Truly, madam, I write and indite but poorly. I never was kute at my laming. But I'll do what I can to pleafe you. Let me fee. All out of my own head, I fuppofe ? OLIVIA. Whatever you pleafe. GARNET. (Writing.'] J^ufter Croaker Twenty guineas, madam ? OLIVIA. Aye, twenty will do. GARNET. At the bar of the Talbot till call'd for. Expedi- tion Will be blown up All of a flame Quick difpatch Cupid, the little god of love I conclude it, madam, with Cupid ; I love to fee a love-letter end like poetry. OLIVIA. Well, well, what you pleafe, any thing. But how mail we fend it ? I can truft none of the fer- vants of this family. GARNET. Odfo, madam, Mr. Honeywood's butler is in the next room : he's a dear, fweet man j he'll do any thing for me. JARVIS. He ! the dog, he'll certainly commit fome blun- der. He's drunk and fober ten times a day. OLIVIA. THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. * 5 OLIVIA. No matter. Fly, Garnet : any body we can truft will do. [Exit Garnet.] Well, Jarvis, now we can have nothing more to interrupt us. You may take up the things, and carry them on to the inn. Have you no hands, Jarvis ? JARVIS. Soft and fair, young lady. You, that are going to be married, think things can never be done too faft : but, we, that are old, and know what we are about, mufl elope methodically, madam. OLIVIA. Well, fure, if my indifcretions were to be done over again JARVIS. My life for it, you would do them ten times over. OLIVIA. Why will you talk fo ? If you knew how unhap- py they make me JARVIS. Very unhappy, no doubt : I was once juft as un- happy when I was going to be married myfelf. I'll tell you a Itory about that OLIVIA. A ftory ! when I'm all impatience to be away. Was there ever fuch a dilatory creature ! JARVIS. Well, madam, if we muft march, why we will march; that's all. Though, odds bobs, we have G 3 ftill J6 THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. ftill forgot one thing we fhould never travel with- out a cafe of good razors, and a box of fhaving- powder. But no matter, I believe we {hall be pretty well ihaved by the way. [Going, Enter GARNET. G A R N & T . Undone, undone, madam. Ah, Mr. Jarvis, you faid right enough. As fure as death Mr. Honey- wood's rogue of a drunken butler, dropp'd the letter before he went ten yards from the door. There's old Croaker has juft pick'd it up, and is this mo- ment reading it to himfelf in the hall. OLIVIA. Unfortunate ! We (hall be difcovered. GARNET. No, madam : don't be uneafy, he can make nei- ther head nor tail of it. To be fure he looks as if he was broke loofe from Bedlam about it, but he can't find what it means for all that. O lud, he is coming this way all in the horrors ! OLIVIA. Then let us leave the houfe this inftant, for fear he mould aflc farther queftions. In the mean time, Garnet, do you write and fend off juft fuch ano- ther. {Exeunt. Enter THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. ? 7 Enter CROAKER. CROAKER. Death and deftrudtion ! Are all the horrors of air, fire and water to be levelled only at me ! Am I only to beYingled out for gunpowder-plots, combuftibles and conflagration ! Here it is An incendiary letter dropped at my door. " To mufter Croaker, thefe, " with fpeed." Aye, aye, plain enough the direc- tion : all in the genuine incendiary fpelling, and as cramp as the devil. " With fpeed." O, con- found your fpeed. But let me read it once more. (Reads.} " Mufter Croaker as fone as yoew fee this *' leve twenty guineas at the bar of the Talboot tell " called for or yowe and yower experetion will be " al blown up." Ah, but too plain. Blood and gunpowder in every line of it. Blown up ! mur- derous dog ! All blown up ! Heavens ! what have I and my poor family done, to be all blown up ! (Reads.} "Our pockets are low, and money we muft " have." Aye, there's the reafon ; they'll blow us up, becaufe they have got low pockets. (Reads.) " It is but a Ihort time you have to confider; for if " this takes wind, the houfe will quickly be all of " a flame." Inhuman monfters ! blow us up, and then burn us. The earthquake at Lifbon was but a bonfire to it. (Reads.) " Make quick difpatch, " and fo no more at prcfent. But may Cupid, the " little god of love, go with you wherever you go" The little god of love ! Cupid, the little god of G 4 love SS THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. love go with me ! Go you to the devil, you and your little Cupid together; I'm fo frightened, I fcarce know whether I fit, ftand, or go. Perhaps this moment I'm treading on lighted matches, blazing brimftone and barrels of gunpowder. They are preparing to blow me up into the clouds. Murder! We mail be all burnt in our bedsj we mall be all burnt in our beds. Enter Mifs HIGHLAND, Mifs HIGHLAND. Lord, Sir, what's the matter ? CROAKER. Murder's the matter. We fhall be all blown up in our beds before morning. Mifs RICH LAND. I hope not, Sir. CROAKEBL. What fignifies what you hope, madam, when I have a certificate of it here in my hand ? Will no- thing alarm my family? Sleeping and eating, fleep- ing and eating is the only work from morning till night in my houfe. My infcnfible crew could deep, though rock'd by an earthquake ; and fry beef {leaks at a volcano, Mifs RICH LAND. But, Sir, you have alarmed them fo often already, we have nothing but earthquakes, famines, plagues and mad dogs from year's end to year's end. You remem- THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. g 9 remember, Sir, it is not above a month ago, you allured us of a confpiracy among the bakers, to poi- fon us in our bread ; and fo kept the whole family a week upon potatoes. CROAKER. And potatoes were too good for them. But why do I fland talking here with a girl, when I mould be facing the enemy without ? Here, John, Nico- demus, fearch the houfe. Look into the cellars, to fee if there be any combuflibles below ; and above, in the apartments, that no matches be thrown in at the windows. Let all the fires be put out, and let the engine be drawn out in the yard, to play upon the houfe in cafe of neceffity. [Exit. Mifs RICH LAND, alone. What can he mean by all this ? Yet, why mould I inquire, when he alarms us in this manner almoft everyday! But Honey wood has defired an inter- view with me in private. What can he mean ? or, rather, what means this palpitation at his approach ? It is the firlt time he ever (hewed any thing in his conduct that feemed particular. Sure he cannot mean to but he's here. Enter HONEYWOOD. HONEY WOOD. I prefumed to folicit this interview, madam, be- fore I left town, to be permitted Mifs 9 o THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. Mifs HIGHLAND. Indeed ! Leaving town, Sir ? HONEYWOOD. Yes, madam; perhaps the kingdom. I havepre- fumed, I fay, to defire the favour of this interview, in order to difclofe fomething which our long friendftiip prompts. And yet my fears Mifs HIGHLAND. His fears ! What are his fears to mine ? (Afide,} We have indeed been long acquainted, Sir ; very long. If I remember, our firil meeting was at the French ambafTador's. Do you recollect how you were pleafed to rally me upon my complexion there ? HONEYWOOD. Perfectly, madam : I prefumed to reprove you for painting : but your warmer blufhes foon con- vinced the company, that the colouring was all from nature. Mifs RICHLAND. And yet you only meant it, in your good-natured way, to make me pay a compliment to myfelf. In the fame manner you danced that night with the moft aukward woman in company, becaufe you faw nobody elfe would take her out. HONEYWOOD. Yes; and was rewarded the next night, by danc- ing with the fineft woman in company, whom every body wifhed to take out. THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 91 Mifs HIGHLAND. Well, Sir, if you thought fo then, I fea-r your judgment has fince corre&ed the errors of a firft im- preffion. We generally fhew to moft advantage at firft. Our fex are like poor tradefmen, that put all their bell goods to be feen at the windows. HONEYWOOD. The firft impreffion, madam, did indeed deceive me. I expefted to find a woman with all the faults of confcious flattered beauty. I expefted to find her vain and infolent. But every day has fince taught me that it is poffible to poflefs fenfe without pride, and beauty without afieclation. Mifs RICH LAND. This, Sir, is a ttyle very unufual with Mr. Ho- ney wood; and I fhould be glad to know why he thus attempts to encreafe that vanity, which his own lef- fons have taught me to defpife. HONEYWOOD. I afk pardon, madam. Yet, from our longfriend- fhip, I prefumed I might have fome right to ofter, without offence, what you may refufe without of- fending. Mifs RlCHLAND. Sir! I beg you'd reflect; though, I fear, I (hall fcarce have any power to refufe a requeft of yours ; yet you may be precipitate : confider, Sir. HONEY wood. I own my ralhnefs ; but, as I plead the caufe of friendship, of one who loves Don't be alarmed, madam 9 z THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. madam who loves you with the moft ardent paflion, whofe whole happinefs is placed in you Mifs RICHLAND. I fear, Sir, I mail never find whom you mean, by this defcription of him. HONEYWOOD. Ah, madam, it but too plainly points him out ; though he mould be too humble himfelf to urge his pretenfions, or you too modeft to underftand them. Mifs RICHLAND. Well ; it would be affeclation any longer to pre- tend ignorance ; and I will own, Sir, I have long been prejudiced in his favour. It was but natural to wifti to make his heart mine, as he feemed him- felf ignorant of its value. HONEYWOOD. I fee me always loved him. (Afide.} I find, ma- dam, you're already fenfible of his worth, his paf- fion. How happy is my friend, to be the favourite of one with fuch fenfe to diftinguilh merit, and fuch beauty to reward it. Mifs RICHLAND. Your friend, Sir ! What friend ? HONEYWOOD. My beft friend my friend Mr. Lofty, madam. Mifs RICHLAND. He, Sir! HONEYWOOD. Yes, he, madam. He is, indeed, what your warm eft wifhes might have formed him. And to his THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 93 his other qualities, he adds that of the moft paffio- nate regard for you. Mifs HIGHLAND. Amazement! No more of this, I beg you, Sir. HONEYWOOD. I fee your confufion, madam, and know how to interpret it. And, fince I fo plainly read the lan- guage of your heart, fhall I make my friend happy, by communicating your fentiments ? Mifs RlCHLAND. By no means. HONEYWOOD. Excufe me ; I muft ; I know you defire it. Mifs RICHLAND. Mr. Honeywood, let me tell you, that you wrong my fentiments and yourfelf. When I firft applied to your friendmip, I expefted advice and afliftance ; but, now, Sir, I fee that it is vain to expedl hap- pinefs from him, who has been fo bad an ceconomift of his own ; and that I muft difclaim his friendmip, who ceafes to be a friend to himfelf. [Exit. HONEYWOOD. How is this ! me has confefled me loved him, and yet (he feemed to part in difpleafure. Can I have done any thing to reproach myfelf with ? No : I believe not : yet, after all, thefe things mould not be done by a third perfon ; I fhould have fpared her confufion. My friendmip carried me a little too far. Enter 9 4 THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. Enter CROAKER, with the Letter in his Hand, and Mrs. CROAKER. Mrs. CROAKER. Ha! ha! ha! And fo, my dear, it's your fu- preme wifh that I fnould be quite wretched upon this occafion ? ha ! ha ! CROAKER, mimicking. Ha! ha! ha! And fo, my dear, it's your fu- preme pleafure to give me no better confolation ? Mrs. CROAKER. Pofitively, my dear; what is this incendiary Huff and trumpery to me ? our houfe may travel through the air like the houfe of Loretto, for aught I care, if I'm to be miferable in it. CROAKER. Would to heaven it were converted into an houfe of correction for your benefit. Have we not every thing to alarm us ? Perhaps, this very moment the tragedy is beginning. Mrs. CROAKER. Then let us referve our diftrefs till the rifing of the curtain, or give them the money they want, and have done with them. CROAKER. Give them my money! And pray, what right have they to my money ? Mrs. CROAKER. And pray, what right then have you to my good humour ? CROAKER. THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 9j CROAKER. And fo your good humour advifes me to part with my money ? Why then, to tell your good humour a piece of my mind, I'd fooner part with my wife. Here's Mr. Honey wood, fee what he'll fay to it. My dear Honeywood, lock at this incendiary letter dropped at my door. It will freeze you with terror; and yet lovey here can read it can read it, and laugh. Mrs. CROAKER. Yes, and fo will Mr. Honeywood. CROAKER. If he does, I'll fuffer to be hanged the next mi- nute in the rogue's place, that's all. Mrs. CROAKER. Speak, Mr. Honeywood ; is there any thing more foolifti than my hufband's fright upon this occa- fion ? HONEYWOOD. It would not become me to decide, madam ; but doubtlefs, the greatnefs of his terrors, now, will but invite them to renew their villainy another time. Mrs. CROAKER. I told you, he'd be of my opinion. CROAKER. How, Sir ! do you maintain that I fliould lie down under fuch an injury, and mew, neither by my tears, or complaints, that I have fomething of the fpirit of a man in me ? Ho- gS THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. HONEYWOOD. Pardon me, Sir. You ought to make the loaded complaints, if you defire redrefs. The fureft way to have redrefs, is to be earneft in the purfuit of it. CROAKER. Aye, whofe opinion is he of now ? Mrs. CROAKER. But don't you think that laughing off our fears is the beft way ! HONEYWOOD. What is the beft, madam, few can fay ? but I'll maintain it to be a very wife way. CROAKER. But we're talking of the beft. Surely the beft way is to face the enemy in the field, and not wait till he plunders us in our very bed-chamber. HONEYWOOD. Why, Sir, as to the beft, that that's a very wife way too. Mrs. CROAKER. But can any thing be more abfurd, than to dou- ble our diftrefles by our apprehenfions, and put it in the power of every low fellow, that can fcrawl ten words of wretched fpelling, to torment us? HONEYWOOD. Without doubt, nothing more abfurd. CROAKER. How! would it not be more abfurd to defpife the rattle till we are bit by the fnake ? Ho- THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 97 HONEYWOOD. Without doubt, perfectly abfurd. CROAKER. Then you are of my opinion ? HONEYWOOD. Entirely. Mrs. CROAKER. And you rejedl mine ? HONEYWOOD. Heavens forbid, madam ! No, fure, no reafoning can be more juft than yours. We ought certainly to defpife malice if we cannot oppofe it, and not make the incendiary's pen as fatal to our repofe as the highwayman's piftol. Mrs. CROAKER. O ! then you think I'm quite right ? HONEYWOOD. Perfectly right. CROAKER. A plague of plagues, we can't be both right. I ought to be forry, or I ought to be glad. My hat muft be on my head, or my hat muft be off. Mrs. CROAKER. Certainly, in two oppofite opinions, if one be perfectly reafonable, the other can't be perfectly right. HONEYWOOD. And why may not both be right, madam ? Mr. Croaker in earneftly feeking redrefs, and you in waiting the event with good humour ? Pray let me v o L . 1 1 . H fee 9 g THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. fee the letter again. I have it. This letter re- quires twenty guineas to be left at the bar of the Talbot inn. If it be indeed an incendiary letter, what if you and I, Sir, go there ; and, when the writer comes to be paid his expefted booty, feize him ? CROAKER. My dear friend, it's the very thing ; the very thing. While I walk by the door, you fhall plant yourfelf in ambufh near the bar; burft out upon the mifcreant like a mafqued battery ; extort a confef- lion at once, and fo hang him up by furprife. HONEY WOOD. Yes ; but I would not chufe to exercife too much feverity. It is my maxim, Sir, that crimes gene- rally punifh themfelves. CROAKER. Well, but we may upbraid him a little, I fup- pofe? [Ironically. HONEY woof). Aye, but not punifh him too rigidly. CROAKER. Well, well, leave that to my own benevolence. HONEY WOOD. Well, I do : but remember that univerfal bene- volence is the firft law of nature. \Exeunt Honeywood and Mrs. Croaker. CROAKER. Yes ; and my univerfal benevolence will hang the dog, if he had as many necks as a hydra. A C T THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 99 ACT THE FIFTH. SCENE, an Inn. Enter OLIVIA, JARVIS. OLIVIA. W ELL, we have got fafe to the Inn, however. Now, if the poft-chaife were ready JARVIS. The horfes are juft finiflung their oats ; and, as they are not going to be married, they choofe to take their own time. OLIVIA. You are for ever giving wrong motives to my im- patience. JARVIS. Be as impatient as you will, the horfes muft take their own time; befides, you don't confider, we have got no anfwer from our fellow-traveller yet. If we hear nothing from Mr. Leontine, we have only one way left us. OLIVIA. What way ? H 2 JARVIS. ,oo THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. JARVIS. The way home again. OLIVIA. - Not fo. I have made arefolution to go, and no- thing (hall induce me to break it. JARVIS. Aye; refolutions are well kept, when they jump with inclination. However, I'll go haften things without. And I'll call, too, at the bar, to fee if any thing mould be left for us there. Don't be in fuch a plaguy hurry, madam, and we lhall go the falter, I promife you. [Exit Jarvis. Enter LANDLADY. LANDLADY. What ! Solomon, why don't you move ? Pipes and tobacco for the Lamb there. Will nobody an- fwer ? To the Dolphin ; quick. The Angel has been outrageous this half hour. Did your ladyfhip call, madam ? OLIVIA. No, madam. LANDLADY. I find, as you're for Scotland, madam But that's no builnefs of mine; married, or not -married, I aflc no queftions. To be fiire, we had a fwcet little cou- ple fet off from this two days ago for the fame place. The gentleman, for a taylor, was, to be fure, as fine a fj?oken taylor, as ever blew froth from a full pot. THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 101 pot. And the young lady fo bafhful, it was near half an hour before we could get her to finiih a pint of rafberry between us. OLIVIA. But this gentleman and I are not going to be mar- ried, I allure you. LANDLADY. May be not. That's no bufmefs of mine; for certain, Scotch marriages feldom turn out. There was, of my own knowledge, Mifs Macfag, that married her father's footman. Alack-a-day, fhe and her hufband foon parted, and now keep feparate cellars in Hedge-lane. OLIVIA. A very pretty piclure of what lies before me ! Enter LEONTINE. LEONTINE. My dear Olivia, my anxiety, till you were out of danger, was too great to be refifted. I could not help coming to fee you fet out, though it expofes us to a difcovery. OLIVIA. May every thing you do prove as fortunate. In- deed, Leontine, we have been moft cruelly difap- pointed. Mr. Honeywood's bill upon the city has, it feems, been prorefted, and we have been utterly at a lofs how to proceed. H 3 LEON- ios THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. L E O N T I N E . How ! an offer of his own too. Sure, he could not mean to deceive us. OLIVIA. Depend upon his fincerity ; he only miftook the defire for the power of ferving us. But let us think no more of it. I believe the pofl-chaife is ready by this. LANDLADY. Not quite yet : and, begging your ladyfhip's par- don, I don't think your ladyfhip quite ready for the poft-chaife. The north road is a cold place, ma- dam. I have a drop in the houfe of as pretty raf- berry as ever was tipt over tongue. Juft a thimble full to keep the wind off your ftomach. To be fure, the laft couple we had here, they faid it was a per- fect nofegay. Ecod, J fent {hem both away as good natured Up went the blinds, round went the y/heels, and drive away poft-boy, was the word. Pnter CROAKER. CROAKER. Well, while my friend Honeywood is upon the poft of danger at the bar, it muft be my bufinefs to have an eye about me here. I think I know an in- cendiary's look ; for, wherever the devil makes a rmrchafe, he never fails to fet his mark. Ha ! who have we here ? My fon and daughter ! What ca.n they be doing here ! LAND, THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. ioj LANDLADY. I tell you, madam, it will do you good ; I think I know by this time what's good for the north road. It's a raw night, madam. Sir LEONTINE. Not a drop more, good madam. I mould now take it as a greater favour, if you haften the horfes, for I am afraid to be feen myfelf. LANDLADY. That mall be done. Wha, Solomon ! are you all dead there ? Wha, Solomon, I fay! [Exit, bawling, OLIVIA. Well ! I dread, left an expedition begun in fear, mould end in repentance Every moment we ftay increafes our danger, and adds to my apprehen- fions. LEONTINE. There's no danger, truft me, my dear; there can be none : if Honey wood has afted with honour, and kept my father, as he promifed, in employment till we are out of danger, nothing can interrupt our journey. OLIVIA. I have no doubt of Mr. Honeywood's fmcerity, and even his defires to ferve us. My fears are from your father's fufpicions, A mind fo difpofed to be alarmed without a caufe, will be but too ready when there's a reafon. H 4. LEON- io 4 THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. LEONTINE. Why, let him, when we are out of his power. But believe me, Olivia, you have no great reafon to dread his refentment. His repining temper, as it does no manner of injury to himfelf, fo will it never do harm to others. He only frets to keep himfelf employed, and fcolds for his private amufement. OLIVIA. I don't know that ; but, I'm fure, on fome occa- fions, it makes him look moil mockingly. CROAKER, difcovering himfelf. How does he look now ? How does he look now? OLIVIA. Ah! LEONTINE. Undone. CROAKER. How do I look now ? Sir, I am your very hum- ble fervant. Madam, I am yours. What, you are going, off, are you ? Then, firft, if you pleafc, take a word or two from me with you before you go. Tell me firft where you are going ? an'd when you have told me that, perhaps, I (hall know as little as I did before. LEONTINE. Tf that be fo, our anfwer might but increafe your difpleafure, without adding to your information. CROAKER. I want no information from you, puppy : and you too, good madam, what anfwer have you got ? Eh ! THE GOOD-NAHUR'D MAN. 105 {A cry without, Jtop him.} I think I heard a noife. My friend Honeywood without has he feized the incendiary ? Ah, no, for now I hear no more on't. LEONTINE. Honeywood withoat ! Then, Sir, it was Mr. Honeywood that directed you hither. CROAKER. No, Sir, it was Mr. Honeywood conducted me hither. LEONTINE. Is it poffible ? CROAKER. Poffible ! Why, he's in the houfe now, Sir : more anxious about me, than my own fon, Sir. LEONTINE. Then, Sir, he's a villain. CROAKER. How, firrah ! a villain, becaufe he takes moft care of your father ? I'll not bear it. I tell you I'll not bear it. Honeywood is a friend to the family, and I'll have him treated as fuch. LEONTINE. I mall ftudy to repay his friendmip as it deferves. CROAKER. Ah, rogue, if you knew how earneftly he entered into my griefs, and pointed out the means to deteft them, you would love him as I do. (A cry without, flop him.) Fire and fury ! they have feized the in- cendiary icS THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. cendiary : they have the villain, the incendiary in view. Stop him ! flop an incendiary ! a murderer ; ftop him ! [.r/>. OLIVIA. Oh, my terrors ! What can this new tumult mean ? LEONTINE. Some new mark, I fuppofe, of Mr. Honeywood's fincerity. But we fhall have fatisfaction : he mall give me inftant fatisfaclion. OLIVIA. It muft not be, my Leontine, if you value my efteem or my happinefs. Whatever be our fate, let us not add guilt to our misfortunes Confider that our innocence will fhortly be all we have left us. You muft forgive him. LEONTINE. Forgive him ! Has he not in every inftance be- trayed us ? Forced me to borrow money from him, which appears a mere trick to delay us : promifed to keep my father engaged till we were out of dan- ger, and here brought him to the very fcene of our efcape ? OLIVIA. Don't be precipitate. We may yet be miftaken. Enter THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 107 Enter POSTBOY, dragging in JARVIS: HONEY- WOOD entering foon after. POSTBOY. Aye, matter, we have him faft enough. Here is the incendiary dog. I'm entitled to the reward ; I'll take my oath I faw him alk for the money at the bar, and then run for it. HONEYWOOD. Come, bring him along. Let us fee him. Let him learn to blufh for his crimes. (Difcovering his miftake.} Death ! what's here ! Jarvis, Leontine, Olivia ! What can all this mean ? JARVIS. Why, I'll tell you what it means : that I was an old fool, and that you are my mafter that's all. HONEYWOOD. Confufion ! LEONTINE. Yes, Sir, I find you have kept your word with me. After fuch bafenefs, I wonder how you can venture to fee the man you have injured? HONEYWOOD. My dear Leontine, by my life, my honour LEONTINE. Peace, peace, for ftiame ; and do not continue to aggravate bafenefs by hypocrify. I know you, Sir, I know you, Ho. u>8 THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. HONEYWOOD. Why, won't you hear me ! By all that's juft, I knew not LEONTINE. Hear you, Sir ! to what purpofe ? I now fee through all your low arts ; your ever complying with every opinion ; your never refufmg any requelt; your friendmip as common as a proftitute's favours, and as fallacious ; all thefe, Sir, have long been contemptible to the world, and are now perfectly fo to me. HONEYWOOD. Ha ! contemptible to the world ! That reaches me. \_Afide. LEONTINE. All the feeming fmcerity of your profeffions, I now find, were only allurements to betray ; and all your feeming regret for their conferences, only calculated to cover the cowardice of your heart. Praw, villain ! Enter CROAKER, out of breath. CROAKER. Where is the villain ? Where is the incendiary ? (Seizing the poftboy.'] Hold him faft, the dog; he has the gallows in his face. Come, you dog, confefs j confefs all, and hang yourfelf. POSTBOY. Zounds ! mafter, what do you throttle me for ? CROAKER, THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 109 CROAKER, beating him. Dog, do you refill ; do you refift ? POSTBOY. Zounds ! mafler, I'm not he ; there's the man that we thought was the rogue, and turns out to be one of the company. CROAKER. How! HONEYWOOD. Mr. Croaker, we have all been under a itrange miftake here ; I find there is nobody guilty ; it was all an error; entirely an error of our own. CROAKER. And I fay, Sir, that you're in an error ; for there's guilt and double guilt, a plot, a damned jefuitical peftilential plot, and I muft have proof of it. HONEYWOOD. Do but hear me. CROAKER. What, you intend to bring 'em off, I fuppofe ; I'll hear nothing. HONEYWOOD. Madam, you feem at leail calm enough to hear reafon. OLIVIA. Excufe me. HONEYWOOD. Good Jarvis, let me then explain it to you. JARVIS, no THE GOOD.NATUR'D MAN. JARVIS. What fignifies explanations, when the thing is done? HONEYWOOD. Will nobody hear me ? Was there ever fuch a fet, fo blinded by palfion and prejudice ! (To the poftboy.} My good friend, I believe you'll be furprifed, when I allure you POSTBOY. Sure me nothing I'm fure of nothing but a good beating. CROAKER. Come, then, you, madam, if you ever hope for any favour or forgivenefs, tell me fmcerely all you know of this affair. OLIVIA. Unhappily, Sir, I'm but too much the caufe of your fufpicions : you fee before you, Sir, one that with falfe pretences has llept into your family to be- tray it : not your daughter CROAKER. Not my daughter ! OLIVIA. Not your daughter but a mean deceiver who fupport me, I cannot HONEYWOOD. Help, fhe's going, give her air. CROAKER. THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. m CROAKER. Aye, aye, take the young woman to the air; I would not hurt a hair of her head, whofe ever daughter ihe may be not fo bad as that neither. [Exeunt all but Croaker. CROAKER. Yes, yes, all's out; I now fee the whole affair: iny fon is either married, or going to be fo, to this lady, whom he impofed upon me as his filler. Aye, certainly fo ; and yet I don't find it afflifts me fo much as one might think. There's the advantage of fretting away our misfortunes beforehand, we never feel them when they come. Enter Mifs HIGHLAND and Sir WJLLI \M. Sir WILLIAM. But how do you know, madam, that my nephew- intends fetting off from this place ? Mifs HIGHLAND. My maid affured me he was come to this inn, and my own knowledge of his intending to leave the kingdom, fuggefted the reft. But what do I fee, my guardian here before us ! Who, my dear, Sir, could have expefted meeting you here ? to what accident do we owe this pleafure ? CROAKER. To a fool, I believe. Mifs RlCHLAND. But, to what purpofe did you come ? CROAKER. in THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN, CROAKER. To play the fool. Mifs RICHLAND. But, with whom ? CROAKER. With greater fools than myfelf. Mifs RICHLAND. Explain. CROAKER. Why, Mr. Honeywood brought me here, to do nothing, now I am here ; and my fon is going to be married to I don't know who, that is here : fo now you are as wife as I am. Mifs RICHLAND. Married ! to whom, Sir ? CROAKER. To Olivia ; my daughter as I took her to be ; but who the devil fhe is, or whofe daughter me is, I know no more than the man in the moon. Sir WILLIAM. Then, Sir, I can inform you ; and, though a ftranger, yet you fhall find me a friend to your fa- mily : it will be enough, at prefent, to aflure you, that, both in point of birth and fortune, the young lady is at leaft your fon's equal. Being left by her father, Sir James Woodville CROAKER. Sir James Woodville ! What, of the weft ? Sir THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. n, Sir WILLIAM. Being left by him, I fay, to the care of a merce- nary wretch, whofe only aim was to fecure her for- tune to himfelf, fhe was fent to France, under pre- tence of education ; and there every art was tried to fix her for life in a convent, contrary to her incli- nations. Of this I was informed, upon my arrival at Paris ; and, as I had been once her father's friend, I did all in my power to fruftrate her guardian's bafe intentions. I had even meditated to refcue her from his authority, when your fon ftept in with more pleafing violence, gave her liberty, and you a daughter. CROAKER. But I intend to have a daughter of my own chufing, Sir. A young lady, Sir, whofe fortune, by my in- tereft with thofe who have intereft, will be double what my fon has a right to expeft. Do you know Mr. Lofty, Sir. Sir WILLIAM. Yes, Sir; and know that you are deceived in him. But ftep this way, and I'll convince you. " [Crcalcer aid Sir William/eem to confer. Eater HONEY WOOD. HONEYWOOD. Obftinate man, ftill to perfiil in his outrage ! in- .'ted by him, defpifed by all, I now begin to grow emptible, even to myfelf. How have I funk by VOL. ii. I too 114. THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. too great an affiduity to pleafe ! How have I over taxed all,my abilities, left the approbation of a fin- gle fool mould efcape me ! But all is now over; I have furvived my reputation, my fortune, my friend- fhips, and nothing remains henceforward for me bur. folitude and repentance. Mifs RICH LAND. Is it true, Mr. Honeywood, that you are fetting off, without taking leave of your friends ? The report is, that you are quitting England. Can it be? HONEYWOOD. Yes, madam ; and though I am fo unhappy as to have fallen under your difpleafure, yet, thank Hea- ven, I leave you to happinefs; to one who loves you, and deferves your love ; to one who has power to procure you affluence, and generofity to improve your enjoyment of it. Mifs HIGHLAND. And are you fure, Sir, that the gentleman you mean is what you defcribe him ? HONEYWOOD. I have the beft afiurances* of it, his ferving me. He does indeed deferve the higheft happinefs, and that is in your power to confer. As for me, weak and wavering as I have been, obliged by all, and incapable of ferving any, what happinefs can I find but in folitude ? What hope but in being for- gotten ? Mifs THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 1.5 Mifs RICHLAI* D. A thoufand ! to live among friends th^at efteem you, whofe happinefs it will be to be permitted to oblige you. HONEYWOOD. No, madam ; my refolution is fixed. Inferiority among ftrangers is eafy ; but among thofe that once were equals, infupportable. Nay, to mew you how far my refolution can go, I can now fpeak with' calmnefs of my former follies, my vanity, my diifi- pation, my weaknefs. I will even confefs, that, among the number of my other preemptions, I had the infolence to think of loving you. Yes, ma- dam, while I was pleading the paffion of another, my heart was tortur'd with its own. But it is over, it was unworthy oiy friendfhip, and let it be for- gotten. Mifs HIGHLAND. You amaze me ! HONEYWOOD. But you'll forgive it, I know you will ; fmce the confeffion Ihould not have come from me even now, but to convince you of the fmcerity of my intention of never mentioning it more. [Going. Mifs RICH LAND. Stav, Sir, one moment Ha ! he here I 2 Enter ,i 6 THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. Enter LOFTY. LOFTY. Is the coaft clear ? None but friends. I have fol- lowed you here with a trifling piece of intelligence : but it goes no farther, things are not yet ripe for a difcovery. I have fpirits working at a certain board ; your affair at the treafury will be done in lefs than a thoufand years. Mum ! Mifs RICHLAND. Sooner, Sir, I fhould hope. LOFTY. Why, yes, I believe it may, if it falls into pro- per hands, that know where to pufh and where to parry ; that know hew the land lies eh, Honey- wood. Mifs RICHLAND. It has fallen into yours. LOFTY. Well, to keep you no longer in fufpenfe, your thing is done. It is done, I fay that's all. I have juft had aflurances from Lord Neverout, that the claim has been examined, and found admiflible. Quietus is the word, madam. HONEYWOOD. But how! his lordfhip has been at Newmarket thefe ten days. LOFTY. Indeed ! Then Sir Gilbert Goofe mufl have been molt damnably miftaken. I had it of him. Mifs THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. n ; Mifs HIGHLAND. He ! why Sir Gilbert and his family have been in the country this month. LOFTY. This month ! It muft certainly be fo Sir Gil- bert's letter did come to me from Newmarket, fo that he muft have met his lordfhip there ; and fo it came about. I have his letter about me ; I'll read it to you. (Taking out a large bundle.} That's from Paoli of Corfica, that from the marquis of Squila- chi. Have you a mind to fee a letter from count Poniatowfki, now king of Poland Honed Pon (Searching.} O, Sir, what are you here too? I'll tell you what, honeft friend, if you have not abfo- lutely delivered my letter to Sir William Honey- wood, you may return it. The thing will do with- out him. Sir WILLIAM. Sir, I have delivered it ; and muft inform you, it was received with the moft mortifying contempt. CROAKER. Contempt ! Mr. Lofty, what can that mean ? LOFTY. Let him go on, let him go on, I fay. You'll find it come to fomething prefently. Sir WILLIAM. Yes, Sir, I believe you'll be amazed, if, after waiting fome time in the anti-chamber, after being furveyed with infolent curiofity by the pafling fer- I 3 vants, n? THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. vants, I was at laft aflured, that Sir William Ho- neywood knew no fuch perfon, and I muft certainly have been irapofed upon. LOFTY. Good ; let me die ; very good. Ha ! ha ! ha ! C P. o A K E R . Now, for my life, I can't find out half the good- nefs of it. LOFTY. You can't. Ha ! ha ! CROAKER. No, for the foul of me ! I think it was as con- founded a bad anfwer, as ever was fent from one private gentleman to another. LOFTY. And fo you can't find out the force of the mef- fage? Why, I was in the houfe at that very time. Ha ! ha ! It was I that fent that very anfwer to my own letter. Ha ! ha ! CROAKER. Indeed ! How ! why ! LOFTY. In one word, things between Sir William and me muft be behind the curtain. A party has many eyes. He fides with lord Buzznrd, I fide with Sir Gilbert Goofe. So that unriddles the myflery. CROAKER. And fo it does, indeed ;. and all my fufpicions are over. LOFTY. THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. 119 LOFTY. Your fufpicions ! What, then, you have been lufpecting, you have been fufpedling have you ? Mr. Croaker, you and I were friends ; we are friends no longer. Never talk to me. It's over ; I fay, it's over. CROAKER. As I hope for your favour, I did not mean to of- fend. It efcaped me. Don't be difcompofed. LOFTY. Zounds ! Sir, but I am difcompofed, and will be difcompofed. To be treated thus ! Who am I ! Was it for this, I have been dreaded both by ins and outs ! Have I been libelled in the Gazetteer, and praifed in the St. James's ? have I been chair- ed at Wildman's, and a fpeaker at Merchant-Tay- lors Hall ? have I had my hand to addrefies, and my head in the print-mops ; and talk to me of fuf- peds? CROAKER. My dear Sir, be pacified. What can you have but aflcing pardon ? LOFTY. Sir, I will not be pacified Sufpefts! Who am I ! To be ufed thus ! Have I paid court to men in favour, to ferve my friends ; the lords of the trea- fury, Sir William Honeywood, and the reft of the gang, and talk to me of fufpefts ! Who am I, I fay, who am I ! I 4 Sir no THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. Sir WILLIAM. Since, Sir, you are fo preifing for an anfwer, I'll tell you who you are. A gentleman, as well ac- quainted with politics, as with men in power ; as well acquainted with perfons of fafhion, as with modefly ; with lords of the treafury, as with truth ; and with all, as you are with Sir William Honey- wood. I am Sir William Honeywood. [Di/cwering bis enfigns of the Bath. CROAKER. Sir William Honeywood ! HONEYWOOD. Aftonifhment ! my uncle ! [AJide. LOFTY. So then, my confounded genius has been all this time only leading me up to the garret, in order to fling me out of the window. CROAKER. What, Mr. Importance, and are thefe your works ! Sufpeft you ? You who have been dread- ed by the ins and outs : you, who have had your hand to addrefTes, and your head ftuck up in print- fhops. If you were ferved right, you mould have your head ftuck up in the pillory. LOFTY. Aye, flick it where you will ; for, by the Lord, it cuts but a very poor figure where it flicks at pre- fent. Sir THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. i Sir WILLIAM. Well, Mr. Croaker, I hope you now fee how in- capable this gentleman is of ferving you, and how little Mifs Richland has to expeft from his influ- ence. CROAKER. Aye, Sir, too well I fee it ; and I can't but fay I have had fome boding of it thefe ten days. So, I'm refolved, fmce my fon has placed his affe&ions on a lady of moderate fortune, to be fatisfied with his choice, and not run the hazard of another Mr. Lofty, in helping him to a better. Sir WILLIAM. I approve your refolution ; and here they come, to receive a confirmation of your pardon and con- fent. Enter Mrs. CROAKER, JARVIS, LEONTINE, and OLIVIA. Mrs. CROAKER. Where's my hufband ! Come, come, lovey, you muft forgive them. Jarvis here has been to tell me the whole affair; and, I fay, you muft forgive them. Our own was a ftolen match, you know, my dear ; and we never had any reafon to repent of it. CROAKER. lit THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. CROAKER. I wifh we could both fay fo. However, this gentleman, Sir William Honeywood, has been be- forehand with you, in obtaining their pardon. So, if the two peer fools have a mind to marry, I think we can tack them together without croffing the Tweed for it. [Joining their hands. LEON TINE. How bleft and unexpected ! What, what can we fay to fuch goodnefs ! But, our future obedience fhall be the beft reply. And, as for this gentleman, to whom we owe Sir WILLIAM. Excufe me, Sir, if I interrupt your thanks, as I have here an intereil that calls me. Turning to Ho- neywood.) Yes, Sir, you are furprifed to fee me; and I own that a defire of correcting your follies led me hither. I faw, with indignation, the errors of a mind that only fought applaufe from others ; that eafincfs cf difpofition, which, though inclined to the right, had not courage to condemn the wrong. I faw, with regret, thofe fplendid errors, that ftill took name from fome neighbouring duty. Your charity, that was but injuftice ; your benevolence, that was but weaknefs ; and your friendlhip, but credulity. I faw, with regret, great talents, and extenfive learning, only employed to add fprightli- nefs to error, and encreafe your perplexities. I faw your mind with a thoufand natural charms : but, the THE GOOD-NATUR'D MAN. ij the greatnefs of its beauty ferved only to heighten my pity for it's proftitution. HONEYWOOD. Ceafe to upbraid me, Sir : I have for fome time but too ftrongly felt the juftice of your reproaches. But there is one way ftill left me. Yes, Sir, I have determined this very hour, to quit for ever a place where I have made myfelf the voluntary flave of all; and to feek among ftrangers that fortitude which may give ftrength to the mind, and marfhal all its diflipated virtues. Yet, ere I depart, permit me to folicit favour for this gentleman ; who, notwith- flanding what has happened, has laid me under the moft fignal obligations. Mr. Lofty LOFTY. Mr. Honey wood, I'm refolved upon a reforma- tion, as well as you. I now begin to find, that the man who firft invented the art of fpeaking truth was a much cunninger fellow than I thought him. And, to prove that I defign to fpeak truth for the future, I mufl now afTure you, that you owe your late ehlargement to another; as, upon my foul, I had no hand in the matter. So now if any of the company has a mind for preferment, he may take jny place, I'm determined to refign. [Exit. HONEYWOOD. How have I been deceived ! Sir til THE GOOD-NAT UR'D MAN. Sir WILLIAM. No, Sifr, you have been obliged to a kinder, fairer friend for that favour. To Mifs Richland. W6uld,ilie complete our joy, and make the man fhe has honoured by her friendship happy in her love, I mould then forget all, and be as bleft as the wel- fare of my deareft kinfrnan can make me. Mifs RICHLAND. After what is part, it would be but affectation to pretend to indifference. Yes, I will own an attach- ment, which, I find, was more than friendfhip. And, if my in treaties cannot alter his refolution to quit the country, I will even try if my hand has not power to detain him. [Giving her band. HONEYWOOD. Heavens ! how can I have deferred all this ? How exprefs my happinefs, my gratitude ! A moment, like this, overpays an age of apprehen- fkfn. CROAKER. Well, now I fee content in every face; but Heaven fend we be all better this day three months ! Sir WILLIAM. Henceforth, nephew, team to refpedl: yourfelf. He who feeks only for applaufe from without, has all his happinefs in another's keeping. Ho- THE GOOD-NATUR D MAN. '-ij HONEY WOOD. Yes, Sir, I now too plainly perceive my errors. My vanity in attempting to pleafe all, by fearing to offend any. My meannefs in approving folly, left fools fhould difapprove. Henceforth, there- fore, it .(hall be my fludy to referve my pity for real diftrefs ; my friendlhip for true merit ; and my love for her, who firft taught me what it is ro be happy. E P I- EPILOGUE. * SPOKEN BY MRS. BULKLEY. X\ S puffing quacks fome caitiff wretch procure To fwear the pill, or drop, has wrought a cure ; Thus, on the ftage, our play-wrights ftill depend For Epilogues and Prologues on fome friend, Who knows each art of coaxing up the town, And make full many a bitter pill go down. Confcious of this, our bard has gone about, And teaz'd each rhyming friend to help him out. An Epilogue, things can't go on without it ; It could not fail, would you but fet about it. Young man, cries one, (a bard laid up in clover) Alas, young man, my writing days are over ; Let boys play tricks, and kick the ftraw, not I ; Your brother doclor there, perhaps, may try. What I ! dear Sir, the doftor interpofes ; What, plant my thiltle, Sir, among his rofes ! * The author, in expectation of an Epilogue from a friend at Oxford, deferred writing one hinifdf tiil the very laft hour. What is here offered, owes all it's fuccefs to the graceful manner of the aftrefs who fpoke it. No, EPILOGUE. , No, no, Fv other contefts to maintain : To-night I head our troops at Warwick-lane. Go, afk your manager Who, me ! Your pardon ; Thofe things are not our forte at Cove:it-garden. Our author's friends, thus plac'd at happy diftance, Give him good words indeed, but no affcrtance. As fome unhappy wight, at fome new play, At the pit door ilands elbowing away, While oft, with many a fmile, and many a liirug, He eyes the centre, where his friends fit fnug j His fimpering friends, with pleafure in their eyes, Sinks as he finks, and as he rifes rife : He nods, they nod ; he cringes, they grimace ; But not a foul will budge to give him place^, Since then, unhelp'd, our bard mult now conform *' To 'bide the pelting of this pitt'lefs ftcrm," Blame where you muft, be candid where you can, And be each critic the Good-natured Man. \ SHE STOOPS TO CON QJJ E R : R, THE MISTAKES OF A NIGHT. A COMEDY. AS IT IS ACTED AT THE THEATRE- ROYAL, 1 N COVENT-GARDEN. FIRST PRINTED IK MDCCJ.XXIJ, DEDICATION. 131 T o SAMUEL JOHNSON, L. L. D. DEAR SIR, 15 Y infcribing this flight performance to you, I do not mean fo much to compliment you as myfelf. It may do me fome honour to inform the public, that I have lived many years in intimacy with you. Jt may ferve the interefts of mankind alfo to inform them that the greateft wit may be found in a charac- ter, without impairing the moft unaffe&ed piety. I have, particularly, reafon to thank you for your partiality to this performance. The undertaking a comedy, not merely fentimental, was very danger- ous ; and Mr. Colman, who faw this piece in its various ftages, always thought it fo. However, I ventured to truft it to the public ; and, though it was necefiarily delayed till late in the feafon, I have every reafon to be grateful. I am, DEAR SIR, VOUR MOST SINCERE FRIEND AND ADMIRER, OLIVER GOLDSMITH. t '3* 1 PROLOGUE, B Y DAVID GAR RICK, ESCL Enter Mr. WOODWARD, drelTed in Black, and holding a handkerchief to his Eyes. EXCUSE me, Sirs, I pray I can't yet fpeak . I'm crying now and have been all the week. " 'Tis not alone this mourning fuit," good matters; " I've that within" for which there are noplafters! Pray, would you know the reafon why I'm crying > The comic mufe, long fick, is now a dying ! And if fhe goes, my tears will never flop ; For as a play'r, I can't fque^ze out one drop : I am undone, that's all (hall lofe my bread I'd rather, but that's nothing lofe my head. When the fweet maid is laid upon the bier, Shuter and I lhall be chief mourners here. To her a mawkifli drab of fpurious breed, Who deals in Sentimentals, will fucceed ! Poor Ned and I are dead to all intents ; We can as foon fpeak Greek as Sentiments ! Both nervous grown, to keep our fpirits up, We now and then take down a hearty cup. What PROLOGUE. 133 What fliall we do ? If Comedy forfake us ! They'll turn us out, and no one elfe will take us. But, why can't I be moral ? Let me try My heart thus preffing fix'd my face and eye With a fententious look, that nothing means, (Faces are blocks, in fentimental fcenes) Thus I begin " All is not gold that glitters, " Pleafores feem fweet, but prove a glafs of bitters. " When ign'rance enters, folly is at hand : " Learning is better far than houfe and land. " Let not your virtue trip, who trips may ftumble, " And virtue is not virtue, if me tumble." I give it up morals won't do for me ; To make you laugh, I muft play tragedy. One hope remains hearing the maid was ill, A Doftor comes this night to mew his.fkill. To cheer her heart, and give your mufcles motion, He, in Five Draughts prepar'd, prefents a potion : A kind of magic charm for be affur'd, If you will fwallow it, the maid is cur'd : But defp*rate the Doftor, and her cafe is, If you rejeft the dofe, and make wry faces ! This truth he boaib, will boaft it while he lives, No pois'nous drugs are mix'd in what he gives. Should he fucceed, you'll give him his degree : If not, within he will receive no fee ! The college you, muft his pretenfions back, Pronounce him Regular, or dub him Quack. DRAMATIS PERSONS. MEN. Sir Charles Marlow, Mr. GARDNER. Young Marlow, (his fon) Mr. LEWES. Hardcaftle, Mr, SHUTER. Haftyigs, Mr. DUBELLAMY, Tony Lumpkin, Mr. QUICK. Diggory, Mr. SAUI*DERS. WOMEN. Mrs. Hardcaftle, Mrs. GREEN. Mifs Hardcaftle, Mrs. BULKLEY. Mifs Neville, Mrs. KNIVETON. Maid, Mifs WILL EMS. Landlord, Servants, &c. &c. [ us 3 SHE STOOPS TO CON QJJ E R : o R, THE MISTAKES OF A NIGHT. ACT THE FIRST. SCENE, a Chamber in an old-fafhioned Houfe. Enter Mrs. HARDCASTLE and Mr. HARDCASTLE, Mrs. HARDCASTLE. 1 V O \V, Mr. Hardcaftle, you're very particular. Is there a creature in the whole country, but our- felves, that does not take a trip to town now and then, to rub off the ruft a little ? There's the two Mif-> Hoggs, and our neighbour, Mrs. Grigfby, go to take a month's polifhing every winter. HARDCASTLB. Aye, and bring back vanity and affe&ation to laft them the whole year. I wonder why London can- not keep its own fools at home ! In my time, the K 4 follies 136 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. follies of the town crept flowly among us, but now they travel fafter than a ftage-coach. Its fopperies comedown, not only as infide paflengers, but in the very bafket. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Aye, your times were fine times, indeed ; you have been telling us of them for many a long year. Here we live in an old rumbling manfion, that looks for all the world like an inn, but that we never fee company. Our beft viators are old Mrs. Oddfifh, the curate's wife, and little Cripplegate, the lame dancing-mafter : and all our entertainment your old ilories of prince Eugene and the duke of Marlbo- rough. I hate fuch old-fafhioned trumpery. HARDCASTLE. And I love it. I love every thing that's old : old friends, old times, old manners, old books, old wine ; and, I believe, Dorothy, (taking her band} you'll own I have been pretty fond of an old wife. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Lord, Mr. Hardcaftle, you're for ever at your Dorothy's and your old wife's. You may be a Dar- by, but I'll be no Joan, I promife you. I'm not fo old as you'd make me, by more than one good year. Add twenty to 1 twenty, and make money of that. HARDCASTLE. Let me fee; twenty added to twenty, makes juft fifty and feven. Mrs. SHE STOOPS TO CONQJJER. 137 Mrs. HARDCASTLE. It's falfe, Mr. Hardcaftle : I was but twenty when I was brought to bed of Tony, that I had by Mr. Lumpkin, my firft hufband ; and he's not come to years of difcretion yet. HARDCASTLE. Nor ever will, I dare anfwer for him. Aye, you have taught him finely. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. No matter, Tony Lumpkin has a good fortune. My fon is not to live by his learning. I don't think a boy wants much learning to fpend fifteen hundred a year. HARDCASTLE. Learning, quotha ! A mere compofition of tricks and mifchief. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Humour, my dear: nothing but humour. Come, Mr. Hardcaftle, you muft allow the boy a little hu- mour. HAR DCASTLE. I'd fooner allow him an horfe-pond. If burning the footmens (hoes, frighting the maids, and worry- ing the kittens, be humour, he has it. It was but yefterday he faftened my wig to the back of my chair, and when I went to make a bow, I popt my bald head in Mrs. Frizzle's face. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. And am I to blame ? The poor boy was always too fickly to do any good. A fchool would be his death. , 3 8 SHE 5 TO OPS TO CGNQJJER. death. When he comes to be a little ftronger, who knows what a year or two's Latin may do for him? HARDCASTLE. Latin for him ! A cat and fiddle. No, no, the alehoufe and the liable are the only fchools he'll ever go to. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Well, we muft not fnub the poor boy now, for I believe we Ihan't have him long among us. Any body that looks in his face may fee he's confump- tive. HARDCASTLE. Aye, if growing too fat be one of the fymptoms, Mrs. HARDCASTLE. He coughs fometimes. HARDCASTLE. Yes, when his liquor goes the wrong way. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. I'm adlually afraid of his lungs. HARDCASTLE. And truly fo am I; for he fometimes whoops like a fpeaking trumpet (Tony hallooing behind the fcenes] O there he goes A very confumptive fi- gure, truly. Enter TONY, crofling the Stage. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Tony, where are you going, my charmer ? Won't you give papa and I a little of your company, lovee ? TONY. SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. 139 TONY. I'm in haile, mother, I cannot ftay. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. You man't venture out this raw evening, my dear : You look moft fhockingfy. TONY. I can't ftay, I tell you. The three pigeons ex- pefts me down every moment. There's fome fun going forward. HARDCASTLE. ^ Aye; the ale-houfe, the old place: I thought fo. Mrs. HARDCASTLEk A low, paltry fet of fellows. TONY. Not fo low neither. There's Dick Muggins the excifeman, Jack Slang the horfe do&or, little Ami- nadab that grinds the mufic box, and Tom Twift that fpins the pewter platter. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Pray, my dear, difappoint them for one night at lead. TONY. As for difappointing them I mould not fo much mind j but I can't abide to difappoint myfelf. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. (Detaining him) You man't go. TONY. I will, I tell you. Mrs. , 49 SHESTOOPS TO CONQUER. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. I fay you {han't. TONY. We'll fee which is ftrongelt, you or I. [Exit, hauling her out. HARDCASTLE, folus. Aye, there goes a pair that only fpoil each other. But is not the whole age in a combination to drive fenfe and difcretion out of doors ? There's my pret- ty darling Kate ; the fashions of the times have al- molt infe&ed her too. By living a year or two in town, me is as fond of gauze, and French frippery, as the beft of them. Knter Mifs HARDCASTLE. HARDCASTLE. Bleflings on my pretty innocence ! dreft out as ufual, my Kate. Goodnefs ! What a quantity of fuperfluous iilk haft thou got about thee, girl ! I could never teach the fools of this age, that the indigent world could be cloathed out of the trim- mings of the vain. Mifs HARDCASTLE. You know our agreement, Sir. You allow me the morning to receive and pay vifits, and to drefs in my own manner ; and in the evening, I put on my houfewife's drefs to pleafe you. HARD- SHE STOOPS TO CONO^UER. 141 HARDCASTLE. Well, remember I infill on the terms of our agre- ment ; and, by the bye, t believe I mall have oc- cafion to try your obedience this very evening. Mifs HARDCASTLE. I proteft, Sir, I don't comprehend your mean- ing. HARDCASTLE. Then, to be plain with you, Kate, I expeft the young gentleman I have chofen to be your bufband from town this very day. I have his father's letter, in which he informs me his fon is fet out, and that he intends to follow himfelf fhortly after. Mifs HARDCASTLE. Indeed ! I wim I had known fomething of this before. Blefs me, how mall I behave ? It's a thou- fand to one I fhan't like him ; our meeting will be fo formal, and fo like a thing of bufmefs, that I mall find no room for friendship or efleem. HARDCASTLE. Depend upon it, child, I'll never controul your choice ; but Mr. Marlow, whom I have pitched upon, is the fon of my old friend, Sir Charles Mar- low, of whom you have heard me talk fo often. The young gentleman has been bred a fcholar, and is defigned for an employment in the fervice of his country. I am told he's a man of an excellent un- derftanding. Mifs I4-* SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. Mifs HARDCASTLE. Is he ? HARDCASTLE. Very generous. Mi-fs HARDCASTLE. I telieve I (hall like him. HARDCASTLE. Young and brave. Mifs HARDCASTLE. I'm fure I -frail like him. HAR&CASTLE. And very handfome. Mifs HAUDCASTLE. My dear papa, fay no more, (kiffing his hand] he's mine, I'll have him. HARDCASTLE. And, to crown all, Kate, he's one of the mod bamful and referved young fellows in all the world. Mifs HARDCASTLE. Eh ! you have frozen me to death again. That word referved, has undone all the reft of his accom- plifhments. A referved lover, it is faid, always makes a fufpicious huiband, HARDCASTLE. On the contrary, modefty feldom refides in a breaft that is not enriched with nobler virtues. It was the very feature in his charafter that firft ftruck me. Mifs SHE Sf OOPS TO CONQUER. 143 Mifs HARDCASTLE. He muft have more ftriking features to catch me, I promife you. However, if he be fo young, fo handfome, and fo every thing, as you mention, I believe he'll do ftill. I think I'll have him. HARDCASTLE. Aye, Kate, but there :s ftill an obftacle. It's more than an even wager, he may not have you. Mifs HARDCASTLE. My dear papa, why will you mortify one fo ? Well, if he refufes, inftead of breaking my heart at his indifference, I'll only break my glafs for its flattery. Set my cap - to fome newer faihion, and look out for fome lefs difficult admirer. HARDCASTLE. Bravely refolved ! In the mean time I'll go pre- pare the fervants for his reception ; as we feldom fee company, they want as inuch training as a com- pany of recruits, the firft day's muflcr. [Exit, Mifs HARDCASTLE, fola, Lud, this news of papa's puts me all in a flutter. Young, handfome; thefe he put laft ? but I put them foremoft. Senfible, good-natured; I like all that. But then referved, and fheepifh, that's much againft him. Yet can't he be cured of his timidity, by being taught to be proud of his wife ? Yes, and can't I But I vow I'm difpofing of the hulband, before J have fecur'd the lover. Ente? 144 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. Enter Mifs NEVILLE. Mifs HARDCASTLE. I'm glad you're come, Neville, my dear. Tell me, Conftance, how do I look this evening ? Is there any thing whimfical about me ? Is it one of my well looking days, child ? am I in face to- day? Mifs NEVILLE. Perfectly, my dear. Yet now I look again blefs me ! fure no accident has happened among the ca- nary birds or the gold fifties. Has your brother or the cat been medling ? or has the laft novel been too moving ? Mifs HARDCASTLE. No ; nothing of all this. I have been threatened I can fcarce get it out I have been threatened with a lover. Mifs NEVILLE. And his name Mifs HARDCASTLE. Is Marlow. Mifs NEVILLE. Indeed! Mifs HARDCASTLE. The fon of Sir Charles Marlow. Mifs NEVILLE. As I live, ' the molt intimate friend of Mr. Haft- ings, my admirer. They are never afunder. I believe SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER 145 believe you muft have feen him when we lived in town. Mifs HARDCASTLE. Never. Mifs NEVILLE, He's a very ilngular character, I affure you. Among women of reputation and virtue, he is the modefteft man alive ; but his acquaintance give him a very different character among creatures of another Itamp : you underftand me. Mifs HARDCASTLE. An odd character, indeed. I (hall never be able to manage him. What mail I do? Pftraw, think no more of him, but truil to occurrences for fuccefs,- But how goes on your own affair, my dear ? has my mother been courting you for my brother Tony, as ufual? Mifs NEVILLE. I have juft come from one of our agreeable tete- a-tetes. She has been faying a hundred tender things, and fetting off her pretty monfter as the very pink of perfedlion. Mifs HARDCASTLE. And her partiality is fuch, that me actually thinks him fo. A fortune like yours is no fmall tempta- tion. Befides, as ihe has the fole management of it, I'm not furprized to fee her unwilling to let it go out of the family. v o L . 1 1 . L Mi fs H SHE STOOPS TO CONQJJER. Mifs NEVILLE. A fortune like mine, which chiefly confifts in jewels, is no fuch mighty temptation. But at any rate if my dear Haftings be but conflant, I make no doubt to be too hard for her at laft. However, I let her fuppofe that I am in love with her fon, and fhe never once dreams that my affections are fixed upon another. Mifs HARDCASTLE. My good brother holds out ftoutly. I could al- moft love him for hating you fo. Mifs NEVILLE. It is a good-natured creature at bottom, and I'm fure would wilh to fee me married to any body but himfelf. But my aunt's bell rings for our after- noon's walk round the improvements. Allons ! Courage is neceflary as our affairs are critical. Mifs HARDCASTLE. ' Would it were bed time and all were well." [Exeunt. SCENE, an Ale-houfe Room. Several fhabby fek- lows, with punch and tobacco. TONY at the Head of the Table, a little higher than the reft ; a mallet in his hand. OMNES. Hurrea! hurrea! hurrea! bravo! FIRST FELLOW, Now gentlemen, filence for a fong. The 'fquire is going to knock himfelf down for a fong. OMNES. SHE STOOPS TO CONQJUER. 147 OMNES. Aye, a fong, a fong ! TONY. Then I'll fing you, gentlemen, a fong I made upon this ale-houfe, the Three Pigeons. . *?a S ON G. Let fchool-mafters puzzle their brain, With grammar, and nonfenfe, and learning ; Good liquor, I ftoutly maintain, Gives genus a better difcerning. Let them brag of their heathenifh gods, Their Lethes, their Styxes, and Stygians ; Their qui's, and their quae's, and their quod's, They're all but a parcel of pigeons. Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. When methodiit preachers come down, A preaching that drinking is finful, I'll wager the rafcals a crown, They always preach beft with a fkinful. But wheq you come down with your pence, For a Hice of their fcurvy religion, I'll leave it to all men of fenfe, But you my good friend are the pigeon. Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. Then come put the jorum about, - And let us be merry and clever, Our hearts and our liquors are flout, Here's the three jolly pigeons for ever. L Z Let j 4 S SHE STOOPS TO CONQJJER. Let fome cry up woodcock or hare, Your buftards, your ducks, and your widgeons; But of all the birds in the air, Here's a health to the three jolly pigeons. Toroddle, toroddle, toroll. OMNES. Bravo, bravo ! FIRST FELLOW. The 'fquire has got fpunk in him. SECOND FFLLOW. I loves to hear him fing, bekeays he never gives us nothing that's low. THIRD FELLOW. damn any thing that's low, I cannot bear it. FOURTH FELLOW. The genteel thing is the genteel thing at any time. If fo be that a gentleman bees in a concate- nation accordingly. THIRD FELLOW. 1 like the maxum of it, matter Muggins. What, though I am obligated to dance a bear, a man may be a gentleman for all that. May this be my poifon if my bear ever dances but to the very genteeleft of tunes. " Water Parted," or " the minuet in Ari- " adne." SECOND FELLOW. . What a pity it is the 'fquire is not come to his own. It would be well for all the publicans with- in ten miles round of him. TONY. SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. 149 TONY. Ecod and fo it would, matter Slang. I'd then fhew what it was to keep choice of company. SECOND FELLOW. O he takes after his own father for that. To be fure old 'fquire Lumpkin was the fineit gentleman I ever fet my eyes on. For winding the ftraight horn, or beating a thicket for a hare, or a wench, he never had his fellow. It was a faying in the place, that he kept the belt horfes, dogs, and girls in the whole county. TONY. Ecod, and when I'm of age, I'll be no baftard, I promife you. I have been thinking of Bett Bouncer and the miller's grey mare to begin with. But, come, my boys, drink about and be merry, for you pay no reckoning. Well, Stingo, what's the matter ? Enter LANDLORD. LANDLORD. There be two gentlemen in a poft-chaife at the door. They have loft their way upo' the foreft ; and they are talking fomething about Mr. Hard- caftle. TONY. As fure as can be, one of them muft be the gen- tleman that's coming down to court my lifter. Do they feem to be Londoners ? L 3 LAND- 1 50 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. LANDLORD. I believe they may. They look wound] ly 11 Lr, Frenchmen. TONY. Then defire them to ftep this way, and I'll fet them right in a twinkling. (Exit Landlord.} Gen- tlemen, as they may'nt be good enough company for you, ftep down for a moment, and I'll be with you in the fqueezing of a lemon. [Exeunt mol. TONY, folus. Father-in-law has been calling me whelp, and hound, this half year. Now, if I pleafed, I could be fo revenged upon the old grumbletonian. But then I'm afraid afraid of what! I mall foon be worth fifteen hundred a year, and let him frighten me out of that if he can. Enter LANDLORD, conducting MAR. LOW and HASTINGS. MAR LOW. What a tedious uncomfortable day have we had of it ! We were told it was but forty miles acrofs the country, and we have come above threefcore. HASTINGS. And all, Marlow, from that unaccountable re- ferve of yours, that would not let us inquire more frequently on the way. MAR- SHE STOOPS TO CONQJJER. 151 MARLOW. I own, Haftings, I am unwilling to lay myfelf under an obligation to every one I meet ; and often {land the chance of an unmannerly anfiver. HASTINGS. At prefent, however, we are not likely to receive any anfwer. TONY. No offence, gentlemen. But I'm told you have been inquiring for one Mr. Hardcaflle in thofe parts. Do you know what part of the country you are in ? HASTINGS. Not in the leaft, Sir, but mould thank you for information. TONY. Nor the way you came ? HASTINGS. No, Sir ? but if you can inform us TONY. Why, gentlemen, if you know neither the road you are going, nor where you are, nor the road you came, the firft thing I have to inform you is, that- you have loft your way. MARLOW. We wanted no ghoft to tell us that. TONY. Pray, gentlemen, may I be fo bold as to afk the place from whence you came ? L 4 MAR- i 5 z SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. MARLOW. That's not neceflary towards direiling us where we are to go. TONY. No offence ; but queftion for queition is all fair, you know. Pray, gentlemen, is not this fame Hardcaftle a crofs-grain'd, oldfafhion'd, whimfical fellow, with an ugly face j a daughter, and a pret- ty fon ? HASTINGS. We have not feen the gentleman, but he has the family you mention. TONY. The daughter, a tall, trapefmg, trolloping, talka- tive maypole the fon, a pretty, well-bred, agree- able youth, that every body is fond of. MARLOW. Our information differs in this. The daughter is faid to be well-bred and beautiful ; the fon, an auk- ward booby, reared up, and fpoiled at his mother's apron-firing. TONY. He-he-hem! Then, gentlemen, all I have to tell you is, that you won't reach Mr. Hardcaftle's houfe this night, I believe. HASTINGS. Unfortunate ! TONY. It's a damn'd long, dark, boggy, TONY. Mum, you fool you. Let them fcnd that our. (To /- * Mifs HARDCASTLE. I underftand you perfe&ly, Sir. MARLOW, {AJide} Egad ! and that's more than I do myfelf. Mifs HARDCASTLE. You mean that in this hypocritical age there are few that do not condemn in public what they prac- tife in private, and think they pay every debt to virtue when they praife it, MARLOW. True, madam ; thofe who have moft virtue in their mouths, have leaft of it in their bofoms. But I'm fure I tire you, madam. Mifs HARDCASTLE. Not in the leaft, Sir; there's fomething fo agree- able and fpirited in your manner, fuch life and force pray, Sir, go on. MARLOW. Yes, madam. I was faying . that there are fome occaiions when a total want of courage, madam, deilroys all the ^-and puts us -upon a- a a Mifs HARDCASTLE. I agree with you entirely, a want of courage upon fome occafions afTumes the appearance of ignorance, and SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. 183 and betrays us when we molt want to excel. I beg you'll proceed. MAR LOW. Yes, madam. Morally fpeaking, madam But I fee Mifs Neville expe&ing us in the next room. I would not intrude for the world. Mifs HARDCASTLE. I proteft, Sir, I never was more agreeably enter- tained in all my life. Pray go on. MARLOW. Yes, madam. I was But me beckons us to join her. Madam, mall I do njyfelf the honour to attend you ? Mifs HARDCASTLE. Well then, I'll follow. MARLOW. {AJlde) This pretty fmooth dialogue has done for me. \Exit. Mifs HARDCASTLE, fola. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Was there ever fuch a fober fenti- mental interview ? I'm certain he fcarce look'd in my face the whole time. Yet the fellow, but for his unaccountable bafhfulnefs, is pretty well too. He has good fenfe, but then fo buried in his fears, that it fatigues one more than ignorance. If I could teach him a little confidence, it would be do- ing fomebody that I know of a piece of fervicc. But who is that fomebody ? That, faith, is a quef- tion I can fcarce anfwer. [Exit. N 4 Enter 1 8+ SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. Enter TONY and Mifs NEVILLE, followed by Mrs, HARDCASTLE and HASTINGS. TONY, What do you follow me for, coufm Con ? I won- der you're not afham'd to be fo very engaging. Mifs NEVILLE. I hope, coufin, one may fpeak to one's own rela- tions, and not be to blame. TONY. Aye, but I know what fort of a relation you want to make me though ; but it won't do. I tell you, coufm Con, it won't do ; fo I beg you'll keep your diftance, I want no nearer relationfhip. [She follows, coquetting htm to the back fcene. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Well ! I vow, Mr. Hailings, you are very enter- taining. There's nothing in the world I love to talk of fo much as London, and the faihions, though 1 was never there myfelf. - HASTINGS. Never there ! You amaze me ! From your air and manner, I conclude you had been bred all your life either at Ranelagh, St. James's, or Tower Wharf. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. O ! Sir, you're only pleafed to fay fo. We country perfons can have no manner at all. I'm in kve with the town, and that ferves to raife me above SHE STOOPS TO CONQJJER. 185 above fome of our neighbouring ruftics ; but who can have a manner, that has never feen the Panthe- on, the Grotto Gardens, the Borough, and fuch places where the nobility chiefly refort ? All I can do, is to enjoy London at fecond-hand. I take care to know every tete-a-tete from the fcandalous ma- gazine, and have all the fafhions, as they come out, in a letter from the two Mifs Rickets of Crooked- lane. Pray how do you like this head, Mr. Haft- ings ? HASTINGS. Extremely elegant and degagee, upon my word, madam. "Vour frifeur is a Frenchman, I fappofe? Mrs. HARDCASTLE. I proteft I drefled it myfelf from a print in the la- dies memorandum-book for the laft year. HASTINGS. Indeed ! Such a head in a fide-box, at the play- houfe, would draw as many gazers as my lady may'refs at a city ball. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. I vow, fince inoculation began, there is no fuch thing to be feen as a plain woman ; fo one muft drefs a little particular, or one may efcape in the crowd. HASTINGS. But that can never be your cafe, madam, in any drefs. (Bowing.) Mrs. iS6 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Yet, what fignifies my dreffing when I have fuck a piece of antiquity by my fide as Mr. Hardcaftle : all I can fay will never argue down a fingle button, from his cloaths. I have often wanted him to throw off his great flaxen wig, and where he was bald, to plaifter it over, like my Lord Pately, with powder. HASTINGS. You are right, madam ; for, as among the ladies there are none ugly, fo among the men there are none old. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. But what do you think his anfwer was ? Why, with his ufual Gothic vivacity, he faid I only want- ed him to throw off his wig to convert it into a tete for my own wearing. HASTINGS. Intolerable ! At your age you may wear what you pleafe, and it muft become you. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Pray, Mr. Haftings, what do you take to be the moft fafhionable age about town ? HASTINGS. Some time ago, forty was all the mode ; but I'm told the ladies intend to bring up fifty for the enfu- ing winter. Mrs. HARDCAJTLE. Serioufly. Then I (hall be too young for the faftuon. HAST- SHE &T00PS TO CONQUER. 187 HASTINGS. No lady begins now to put on jewels 'till (he's paft forty. For inftance, Mifs there, in a polite circle, would be confidered as a child, as a mere maker of famplers. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. And yet Mrs. Niece thinks herfelf as much a woman, and is as fond of jewels as the oldeft of us all. HASTINGS. Your niece, is me ? And that young gentleman, a brother of yours, I mould prefume ? Mrs. HARDCASTLE. My fon, Sir. They are contracted to each o ther. Obferve their little fports. They fall in and out ten times a day, as if they were man and wife al- ready. (To them) Well, Tony, child, what foft things are you faying to your coufm Conftance this evening ? TONY. I have been faying no foft things ; but that it's very hard to be followed about fo. Ecod ! I've not a place in the houfe now that's left to myfelf, but the ftable. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Never mind him, Con, my dear. He's in ano- ther ftory behind your back. Mifs iS8 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. Mifs NEVILLE. There's fomethin g generous in my coufin's man- ner. He falls oat before faces to be forgiven in private. TONY. That's a damned confounded crack. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Ah ! he's a fly one. Don't you think they're like each other about the mouth, Mr. Mailings ? The Blenkinfop rr.cuth to a T. They're of a fize too. Back to back, my pretties, that Mr. Haftings may fee you. Come, Tony. TONY. ""You had as good not make me, I tell you. (Meafuring.} Mifs NEVILLE. O lud! he has almoft cracked my head. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. O the inonfter ! For ihame, Tony. You a man, and behave fo ! TONY. If I'm a man, let me have my fortin. Ecod ! I'll not be made a fool of no longer. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Is this, ungrateful boy, all that I'm to get for the pains I have taken in your education ? I that have rock'd you in your cradle, and fed that pretty mouth with a fpoon ! Did not I work that waift- coat to make you genteel ? Did not I prefcribe for you SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. >*<> you every day, and weep while the receipt was oper- ating ? TONY. Ecod ! you had reafon to weep, for you have been dofmg me ever fince I was born. I have gone, through every receipt in the complete houfewife-ten times over; and you have thoughts of courling me through Quincy next fpring. But, ecod ! I tell you, I'll not be made a fool of no longer. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Wasn't it all for your good, viper? Wasn't it all for your good ? TONY. I wiih you'd let me and my good alone then. Snubbing this way when I'm in fpirits. If I'm to> have any good, let it come of itfelf j not to keep, dinging it, dinging it into one fo. Mrs. HA an CASTLE. That's falfe ; I never fee you when you're in fpi- *its. No, Tony, you then go to the alehoufe or kennel. I'm never to be delighted with yoor agree- able, wild notes, unfeeling monfter \ TONY. Ecod ! mamma, your own notes are the wildeil of the two. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Was ever the like? But I fee he wants to break my heart, I fee he does. HAST. i 9 o SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. HASTINGS. Dear madam, permit me to leflure the young gentleman a little. I'm certain I can perfuade him to his duty. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Well ! I muft retire. Come, Conftance, my love. You fee, Mr. Haftings, the wretchednefs of my fituation : was ever poor woman fo plagued with a dear, fweet, pretty, provoking, undutiful boy. [Exeunt Mrs. Hardcaftle and Mifs Neville. HASTINGS, TONY. TONY, finging. " There was a young man riding by, and fain " would have his will. Rang do didlo dee." Don't mind her. Let her cry. It's the comfort of her heart. I have feen her and iifter cry over a book for an hour together, and they faid, they liked the book the better the more it made them cry. HASTINGS. Then you're no friend to the ladies, I find, my pretty young gentleman ? TONY. That's as I find 'urn. HASTINGS. Not to her of your mother's chafing, I dare an- fwer? And yet (he appears to me a pretty well-tem- pered girl. TONY. SHE STOOPS TO CONQJJER. 191 TONY. That's becaufe you don't know her as well as I. Ecod ! I know every inch about her ; and there's not a more bitter cantanckerous toad in all chriften- dom. HASTINGS. {AJide) Pretty encouragement this for a lover ! TONY. I have feen her fince the height of that. She has as many tricks as a hare in a thicket, or a colt the firft day's breaking. HASTINGS. To me me appears fenfible and filent ! TONY. Aye, before company. But when (he's with her play-mate {he's as loud as a hog in a gate. HASTINGS. But there is a meek modefty about her that charms me. TONY. Yes, but curb her never fo little, me kicks up, and you're flung in a ditch. HASTINGS. Well, but you muft allow her a little beauty. Yes, you muft allow her fome beauty. TONY. Bandbox ! She's all a made up thing, mum. Ah ! could you but fee Bet Bouncer of thefe parts, you , 9 z SHE STOOPS TO CONQJLIER. you might then talk of beauty. Ecod, ftie has two eyes as black as floes, and cheeks as broad and red as a pulpit cufhion. She'd make two of me. HASTINGS. Well, what fay you to a friend that would take this bitter bargain oft" your hands ? TONY. Anon. HASTINGS. Would you thank him that would take Mifs Ne- ville, and leave you to happinefs and your dear Betfy ? TONY. Aye ; but where is there fuch a friend, for who would take her ? HASTINGS. I am he. If you but affift me, I'll engage to whip her off to France, and you mall never hear more of her. TONY. Affift you ! Ecod I will, to the laft drop of my blood. I'll clap a pair of horfes to your chaife that mall trundle you off in a twinkling, and may be get you a part of her fortin befide, in jewels, that you little dream of. HASTINGS. My dear 'fquire, this looks like a lad of fpirit. TONY. SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. 195 TONY. Come along then, and you fhall fee more of my fpirit before you have done with me. (Singing.] We are the boys That fears no noife Where the thundering cannons roar. [Exeunt. ACT ic 4 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. Wi ACT THE THIRD. Enter HARDCASTLE, folus. HARDCASTLE. HAT could my old friend Sir Charles mean by recommending his fon as the modefteft young man in town ? To me he appears the mofl impu- dent piece of brafs that ever fpoke with a tongue. He has taken pofleffion of the eafy chair by the fire- fide already. He took off his boots in the parlour, and defired me to fee them taken care of. I'm de- iirous to know how his impudence affedls my daugh- ter. She will certainly be mocked at it. Knter Mifs HARDCASTLE, plainly dreffed. HARDCASTLE. Well, my Kate, I fee you have changed your drefs as I bid you ; and yet, I believe, there was no great occafion. Mifs HARDCASTLE. I find fuch a pleafure, Sir, in obeying your com- mands, that I take care to obferve them without ever debating their propriety. HARD- SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. I95 HARDCASTLE. And yet, Kate, I fometimes give you fome caufe, particularly when I recommended my modeft gen- tleman to you as a lover to-day. Mifs HARDCASTLE. You taught me to expeft fomething extraordinary, and I find the original exceeds the defcription. HARDCASTLE. I was never fo furprifed in my life ! He has quite confounded all my faculties ! Mifs HARDCASTLE. I never faw any thing like it : and a man of the world too ! HARDCASTLE. Aye, he learned it all abroad, what a fool was I, to think a young man could learn modefty by tra- velling. He might as foon learn wit at a mafque- rade. Mifs HARDCASTLE. It feems all natural to him. HARDCASTLE. A good deal affifted by bad company and a French dancing-mafter. Mifs HARDCASTLE. Sure you miftake, papa ! A French dancing- raafter could never have taught him that timid look, that aukward addrefs, that bafhful manner HARDCASTLE. Whofelook? whofe manner, child? O 2 Mifs i 9 SHE STOOPS TO CONQJJER. Mifs HARDCASTLE. Mr. Marlow's r his mauirai/e honte, his timidity ftruck me at the firft fight. HARDCASTLE. Then your firft fight deceived you ; for I think him one of the moft brazen firft fights that ever aftonifhed my fenfes. Mifs HARDCASTLE. Sure, Sir, you rally ! I never faw any one fo mo- deft. HARDCASTLE. And can you be ferious ! I never faw fuch a bouncing fwaggering puppy fince I was born. Bul- ly Dawfou was but a fool to him. Mifs HARDCASTLE. Surprifing ! He met me with a refpeclful bow, a ftammering voice, and a look fixed on the ground. HARDCASTLE. He met me with a loud voice, a lordly air, and a familiarity that made my blood freeze again. Mifs HARDCASTLE. He treated me with diffidence and refpeft ; cen- fured the manners of the age ; admired the pru- dence of girls that never laughed ; tired me with apologies for being tirefome ; then left the room with a bow, and, " madam, I would not for the " world detain you." HARDCASTLE. He fpoke to me as if he knew me all his life be- fore. Alked twenty queftions, and never waited for SHE STOOPS TO CONQJJER. 197 for an anfwer, interrupted my bed remarks with fome filly pun, and when I was in my beft ftory of the Duke of Marlborough and Prince Eugene, he a/ked if I had not a good hand at making punch. Yes, Kate, he afked your father if he was a maker of punch. Mifs HARDCASTLE. One of us mufl certainly be miftaken. HARDCASTLE. If he be what he he has fhewn himfelf, I'm de- termined he mail never have my confent. Mifs HARDCASTLE. And if he be the fallen thing I take him, he (hall never have mine. HARDCASTLE. In one thing then we are agreed to rejel him. Mifs HARDCASTLE. Yes. But upon conditions. For if you mould find him lefs impudent, and I more prefuming ; if you find him more refpedlful, and I more importu- nate 1 don't know the fellow is well enough for a man Certainly we don't meet many fuch at a horfe race in the country. HARDCASTLE. If we mould find him fo But that's impoflible. The firft appearance has done my bufinefs. I'm feldom deceived in that. Mifs HARDCASTLE. And yet there may be many good qualities under that firft appearance. O 3 HARD- 198. SHE STOOPS TO CONQJJER. HARDCASTLE. Aye, when a girl finds a fellow's outfide to her tafte, (he then fets about guefling the reft of his fur- niture. With her, a fmooth face ftands for good fenfe, and a genteel figure for every virtue. Mifs HARDCASTLE. I hope, Sir, a converfation begun with a compli- ment to my good fenfe won't end with a fneer at my underftanding ? HARDCASTLE. Pardon me, Kate, But if young Mr. Brazen can find the art of reconciling contradictions, he may pleafe us both, perhaps. Mifs HARDCASTLE. And as one of us muft be miftaken, what if we go to make further difcoveries ? HARDCASTLE. ' Agreed. But depend on't I'm in the right. Mifs HARDCASTLE. And depend on't I'm not much in the wrong. [Exeunt. Enter TONY, running in with a cafket. TONY. Ecod ! I have got them. Here they are. My coufm Con's necklaces, bobs and all. My mother {han't cheat the poor fouls out of their fortin neither. O ! my genus, is that you ? Enter SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. 199 Enter HASTINGS. HASTINGS. My dear friend, how have you managed with your mother ? I hope you have amufed her with pre- tending love for your coufin, and that you are wil- ling to be reconciled at laft ? Our horfes will be re- frefhed in a fhort time, and we mail foon be ready to fet off. TONY. And here's fomething to bear your charges by the way, (giving the cajket} your fweetheart's jewels. Keep them, and hang thofe, I fay, that would rob you of one of them. J HASTINGS. But how have you procured them from your mo- ther ? TONY. Aflc me no queflions, and I'll tell you no fibs. 1 procured them by the rule of thumb. 'If I had not a key to every drawer in mother's bureau, how could I go to the alehoufe fo often as I do? An ho- nefl man may rob himfelf of his own at any time. HASTINGS. Thoufands do it every day. But to be plain with you, Mifs Neville is endeavouring to procure them from her aunt this very inftant. If me fucceeds, it will be the moft delicate way at lead of obtaining them. 04 I- ioo SHE STOOPS TO CONQJJER. TONY. Well, keep them, till you know how it will be. But I know how it will be well enough, fhe'd as foon part with the only found tooth in her head. HASTINGS. But I dread the effects of her refentment, when {he finds fhe has loft them. TONY. Never you mind her refentment, leave me to ma- nage that. I don't value her refentment the bounce of a cracker. Zounds! here they are. Morrice ! Prance ! [Exit Haftings. TONY, Mrs. HARDCASTLE, and Mifs NEVILLE. Mrs. HARDCASTLE, Indeed, Conftance, you amaze me. Such a girl as you want jewels ? Jt will be time enough for jewels, my dear, twenty years hence, when your beauty begins $o want repairs. Mifs NEVILLE. But what will repair beauty at forty, will certain- ly improve it at twenty, madam. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Yours, my dear, can admit of none. That natu-, ral blufh is beyond a thoufand ornaments. Befides, child, jewels are quite out at prefent. Don't you fee half the ladies of our acquaintance, my lady Kill-day-light, and Mrs. Crump, and the reft of them, SHE STOOPS TO CONQJJER. ioi them, carry their jewels to town, and bring nothing but pafte and marcafites back. Mifs NEVILLE. But who knows, madam, but fomebody that mall be namelefs would like me beft with all my little finery about me ? Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Confult your glafs, my dear, and then fee if, with fuch a pair of eyes, you want any better fparklers. What do you think, Tony, my dear ? does your coufin Con, want any jewels, in your eyes, tofet off her beauty ? TONY. That's as thereafter may be. Mifs NEVILLE. My dear, aunt, if you knew how it would oblige me. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. A parcel of old-fafhioned rofe and table cut things. They would make you look like the court of king Solomon at a puppet-mew. Betides, I be- lieve I can't readily come at them. They may be miffing for aught I know to the contrary. TONY. {Apart to Mrs. Hardcaftle,} Then why don't you tell her fo at once, as ftie's fo longing for them ? Tell her they're loft. It's the only way to quiet her. Say they're loft, and call me to bear witnefs. Mrs. 201 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. (Apart to Tony,} You know, my dear, I'm only keeping them for you. So if I fay they're gone, you'll bear me witnefs, will you ? He ! he ! he ! TONY. Never fear me. Ecod ! I'll fay I faw them taken out with my own eyes. Mifs NEVILLE. I defire them but for a day, madam. Juft to be permitted to mew them as relics, and then they may be lock'd up again. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. To be plain with you, my dear Conftance; if I could find them, you fhould have them. They're miffing, I affure you. Loft, for aught I know; but we muft have patience wherever they are. Mifs NEVILLE. I'll not believe it; this is but a fhallow pretence to deny me. I know they're too valuable to be fo flightly kept, and as you are to anfwer for the lofs. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Don't be alarm'd, Conftance. If they be loft, I muft reftore an equivalent. But my fon knows they are miffing, and not to be found. TONY. That I can bear witnefs to. They are miffing, and not to be found, I'll take my oath on't. Mrs. SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. *<>; Mrs. HARDCASTLB. You muft learn refignation, my dear; for though we lofe our fortune, yet we fhould not lofe our pa- tience. See me, how calm I am. Mifs NEVILLE. Aye, people are generally calm at the misfortunes of others. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Now, I wonder a girl of your good fenfe mould wafte a thought upon fuch trumpery. We mail foon find them ; and, in the mean time, you mail make ufe of my garnets till your jewels be found. Mifs NEVILLE. I deteft garnets. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. The moft becoming things in the world to fet off a clear complexion. You have often feen how well they look upon me, You mall have them. [Exit. Mifs NEVILLE. I diflike them of all things. You (han't ftir. Was ever any thing fo provoking to miflay my own jewels, and force me to wear her trumpery. TONY. Don't be a fool. If fhe gives you the garnets, take what you can get. The jewels are your own already. I have ftolen them out of her bureau, and fhe does not know it. Fly to your fpark, he'll tell you more of the matter. Leave me to manage her. Mifs NEVILLE. My dear coufm ! TONY. 2(H SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. TONY. Vanifh. She's here, and has miffed them alrea- dy. Zounds ! how me fidgets and fpits about like a Catharine wheel. Enter Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Confufion! thieves! robbers! we are -cheated, plundered, broke open, undone. TONY. What's the matter, what's the matter, mamma ? I hope nothing has happened to any of the good fa- mily ! Mrs. HARDCASTLE. We are robbed. My bureau has been broke open, the jewels taken out, and I'm undone. TONY. Oh ! is that all ? Ha ! ha ! ha ! By the laws, I never faw it better afted in my life. Ecod, I thought you was ruin'd in earneil, ha ! ha ! ha ! Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Why, boy, I'm ruin'd in earneft. My bureau has been broke open, and all taken away. TONY. Stick to that ; ha ! ha ! ha ! ftick to that. I'll bear witnefs, you know, call me to bear witnefs. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. I tell you, Tony, by all that's precious, the jewels are gone, and I mall be ruin'd for ever, TONY. SHE STOOPS TO CONQJJER. 105 TONY. Sure I know they're gone, and I'm to fay fo. MfS.'HARDCASTLE. My deareft Tony, but hear me. They're gone, I fay. TONY. By the laws, mamma, you make me for to laugh, ha ! ha ! I know who took them, well enough, ha! ha! ha! Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Was there ever fuch a blockhead, that can't tell the difference between jeft and earneil ? I tell you I'm not in jeft, bcoby. TONY. That's right, that's right : you muft be in a bit- ter paflion, and then nobody will fufpedl either of us. I'll bear witnefs that they are gone. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Was there ever fuch. a crofs-grain'd brute, that won't hear me ? Can you bear witnefs that you're no better than a fool ? Was ever poor woman fo befet with fools on one hand, and thieves on the other. TONY. I can bear witnefs to that. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Bear witnefs again, you blockhead you, and I'll turn you out of the room dire&ly. My poor niece, what will become cf her ! Do you laugh, you un- feeling brute, as if you enjoyed my diftrefs ? TONY. ac6 SHE STOOPS TO CONQJJER. TONY. I can bear witnefs to that. Mrs. HARDCASTLE. Do you infult me, monfter ? I'll teach you to vex your mother, I will. TONY. I can bear witnefs to that. [He runs off, Jhe follows him. Enter Mifs HARDCASTLE and Maid. Mifs HARDCASTLE. What an unaccountable creature is that brother of mine, to fend them to the houfe as an inn, ha ! ha ! I don't wonder at his impudence. MAID. But what is more, madam, the young gentleman, as you pafled by in your prefent drefs, afk'd me if you were the bar-maid ? He miftook you for the bar-maid, madam. Mifs HARDCASTLE. Did he ? Then as I live, I'm refolved to keep up the deluiion. Tell me, Pimple, how do you like my prefent drefs. Don't you think I look fome- thing like Cherry in the Beaux Stratagem ? MAID. It's the drefs, madam, that every lady wears in the country, but when fhe vifits, or receives com- pany. Mifs SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. 107 Mifs HARDCASTLE. And are you fure he does not remember my face or perfon ? MAID. Certain of it. Mifs HARDCASTLE. I vow, I thought fo ? for though we fpoke for fome time together, yet his fears were fuch, that he never once looked up during the interview. Indeed, if he had, my bonnet would have kept him from feeing me. MAID. But what do you hope from keeping him in his miftake ? Mifs HARDCASTLE. In the firft place, I mail be feen, and that is no fmall advantage to a girl who brings her face to market. Then I mall perhaps make an acquaint- ance, and that's no fmall victory gained over one who never addrefies any but the wildeft of her fex. But my chief aim is to take my gentleman off his guard, and, like an invifible champion of romance, examine the giant's force before I offer to combat. MAID. But are you fure you can aft your part, and dif- guife your voice, fo that he may miftake that, as he has already miftaken your perfon ? Mifs HARDCASTLE. Never fear me. I think I have got the true bar- Cant. Did your honour call ? Attend the Lion there. ioS SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. there. Pipes and tobacco for the Angel. The Lamb has been outrageous this half hour. MAID. It will do, madam. But he's here. [Exit Maid. Enter MAR LOW. MARLOW. What a bawling in every part of the houfe ! I have fcarce a moment's repofe. If I go to the belt room, there I find my hoft and his ftory. If I fly to the gallery, there we have my hoftefs with her courtefy down to the ground. I have at laft got a moment to myfelf, and now for recollection. [Walks and mufes. Mifs HARDCASTLE. Did you call, Sir? Did your honour call ? MARLOW. (Mufing.) As for Mifs Hardcaftle, fhe's too grave and fentimental for me. Mifs HARDCASTLE. Did your honour call ? [ She ft ill places h erf elf Before Mm , be turning away . MARLOW. No, child, (mujing.} Befides, from the glimpfe I had of her, I think fhe fquints. Mifs HARDCASTLE. I'm fure, Sir, I heard the bell ring. MAR- *mt mtk SHE STOOPS TO CONCfcUER. 209 MAR.LOW* No> no. (mufing.} I have pleafed my father, however, by coming down, and I'll to-morrow pleafe myfelf by returning. (^Taking out his tablets, and perufing. Mifs HARDCASTLE. Perhaps the other gentleman called, Sir? MARLOW. I tell you, no. Mifs HARDCASTLE. I mould be glad to know, Sir. We have fuch a parcel of fervants. MARLOW. No, no, I tell you. (Looks full in her face]. Yes, child, I think I did call. I wanted I wanted 1 vow, child, you are vallly handfome. Mifs HARDCASTLE. O la, Sir, you'll make one amam'd. MARLOW. Never faw a more fprightly malicious eye. Yes, yes, my dear, I did call. Have you got any of your a what d'ye call it in the houfe ? Mifs HARDCASTLE. No, Sir, we have been out of that thefe ten days. MARLOW. One may call in this houfc, I find, to very little purpofe. Suppofe I mould call for a tafte, juft by way of trial, of the nectar of your lips; perhaps I' might be difappointed in that too. VOL. ii. P Mifs 4i9 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. Mifs HARDCASTLE. Ne&ar! neftarl That's a liquor there's no call for in thofe parts. French, I fuppofe. We keep no French wines here, Sir. MARLOW. Of true English growth, I aflure you. Mifs HARDCASTLE. Then it's odd I fhould not know it. We brew all forts of wines in this houfe, and I have lived here thefe eighteen years. MARLOW. Eighteen years ! Why one would think, child, you kept the bar before you were born. How old are you ? Mifs HARDCASTLE. O! Sir, I muft not tell my age. They fay \vo^ men and mufic ftiould never be dated. MARLOW. To guefo at this diftance you can't be much above forty (approaching). Yet nearer I don't think fo much (approaching). By coming clofe to fome wo- men they look younger ftill ; but when we come very clofe indeed (attempting to kifs her). Mifs HARDCASTLE. Pray, Sir, keep your diftance. One would think you wanted to know one's age as they do horfes, by mark of mouth. MAR- SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. 21, MAR LOW. I proteft, child, you ufe me extremely ill. If you keep me at this diftance, how is it poflible you and I can ever be acquainted ? Mifs HARDCASTLE. And who wants to be acquainted with you ? I want no fuch acquaintance, not I. I'm fure you HARD- 266 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. HARDCASTLE. Above three months. TONY. Then you'll fee the firft ufe I'll make of my liber- ty. (Taking Mifs Neville'* hand} Witnefs all men by thefe prefents, that I, Anthony Lumpkin, ef- quire, of BLANK place, refafe you, Conftantia Ne- ville, fpinfter, of no place at all, for my true and lawful wife. So Conftance Neville may marry whom me pleafes, and Tony Lumpkin is his own man again. Sir CHARLES. O brave 'fquire ! HASTINGS. My worthy friend ! Mrs. HARDCASTLE. My andutiful offspring ! MARLOW. Joy, my dear George, I give you joy fmcerely. And could I prevail upon my little tyrant here to be lefs arbitrary, I mould be the happielt man alive, if you would return me the favour. HASTINGS. (To Mife Hardcaftle) Come, madam, you are now driven to the very laft fcene of all your con- trivances. I know you like him, I'm fure he loves you, and you muft and mail have him. HARD- SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. 167 HARDCASTLB. (Joining their hands} And I fay fo too. And, Mr. Marlow, if me makes as good a wife as me has a daughter, I don't believe you'll ever repent your bargain. So now to fupper. To-morrow we {hall gather all the poor of the parifh about us, and the miilakes of the night mall be crowned with a merry morning ; fo, boy, take her ; and as you have been miilaken in the miftrefs, my wifh is, that you may never be miftaken in th wife. E P I- EPILOGUE. BY DR GOLDSMITH. W ELL, having ftoop'd to conquer with fuccefs, And gain'd a hufband without aid from drefs, Still as a bar-maid, I could wilh it too, As I have conquer'd him to conquer you : And let me fay, for all your refolution, That pretty bar-maids have done execution. Our life is all a play, compos'd to pleafe, " We have our exits and our entrances." The firft aft mews the fimple country maid, Harmlefs and young, of every thing afraid ; Blumes when hir'd, and with unmeaning aftion, " 1 hopes as how to give you fatisfaftion." Her fecond aft difplays a livelier fcene. Th' unblufhing bar-maid of a country inn, Who whiiks about the houfe, at market caters, Talks loud, coquets the guefts, and fcolds the waiters. Next the fcene ftiifts to town, and there me foars, The chop-houfe toaft of ogling connoijieurs. On 'fquires and cits me there difplays her arts, And on the gridiron broils her lover's hearts And EPILOGUE. 269 And as fhe fmiles, her triumphs to compleat, Even common councilman forget to eat. The fourth adl mews her wedded to the 'fquire, And madam now begins to hold it higher; Pretends to tafle, at operas cries caro, And quits her Nancy Dawfon, for Che Faro. Doats upon dancing, and in all her pride, Swims round the room, the Heinell of Cheapfide: Ogles and leers with artificial (kill, - Till having loft in age the power to kill, She fits all night at cards, and ogles at fpadille. J Such, through our lives, the eventful hiftory The fifth and laft aft ftill remains for me. The bar-maid now for your protection prays, Turns female Barrifter, and pleads for Bays. E P I- EPILOGUE, TO BE SPOKEN IN THE CHARACTER OF TONY LUMPKIN. * BY J. CRADDOCK, ESQ._ W ELL now all's ended and my comrades gone, Pray what becomes of mother's nonly fon? A hopeful blade ! in town I'll fix my ftation, And try to make a blufter in the nation. As for my coufin Neville, I renounce her, Off in a crack I'll carry big Bett Bouncer. Why mould not I in the great world appear? I foon mall have a thoufand pounds a year? No matter what a man may here inherit, In London 'gad, they have fome regard to fpirit. I fee the horfes prancing up the ftreets, And big Bett Bouncer, bobs to all fhe meets ; Then hoikes to jiggs and paftimes ev'ry night Not to the plays they fay it a'n't polite; * This came too late to be fpoken. To EPILOGUE. 27, To Sadler's- Wells perhaps, or operas go, And once by chance, to the roratorio. Thus here and there, for ever up and down, We'll fet the famions too, to half the town; And then at auftions money ne'er regard, Buy pictures like the great, ten pounds a yard; Zounds, we fhall make thefe London gentry fay, We know what's damn'd genteel as well as they. FINIS. UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY Los Angeles This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. 3197 1.6 JUN FB 1 5 198i 1 1 J980 10m-9,'66(G5925s4) ? 1979 PR3480. 1780 J* 3 1158 00220 7206 A 000 007 141 5