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 THE LIBRARY 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES
 
 .^a^^^iwc^.
 
 THE CITIZEN; 
 
 a $)utiiitai$tic Pom.
 
 i
 
 Sim Fe.t:ik
 
 THE CITIZEN; 
 
 <» f 
 
 IN FIVE CANTOS. 
 
 »0 WHICH IS ADDED, 
 
 NELSON'S GHOST 
 
 ♦ - ■ 
 
 IN TWO PARTS. 
 
 BY EDWARD MONTAGUE. 
 
 LON«ON: n 
 
 ■4 PRINTED ^T W. tBWlS, PATEKNOSTEK-ROW ; 
 
 FOR J. V. HUGHES, 5, %TICSI0RE-8TREET, CAVENDISH-SftCARE; 
 
 AND SOLD BY C. ClIAPPLE, FAI^I^ALL. 
 
 •• . 
 
 * *. 
 
 1S06. 
 
 #
 
 #
 
 
 AN 
 
 ADDRESS 
 
 PEN, INK, AND PAPER, 
 
 ; .T 
 
 Forgive me, dear paper, if ypu I ill-use. 
 And thus make you the bearer of rhymes, 
 
 1 wish not your lilly white face to abuse. 
 But am forc'd by the present hard timeis. 
 
 And you, my kind pen, tho* you aid me to 
 sing 
 On subjects both serious and loose. 
 Yet I'd rather you still, were stuck in the 
 fc wing. 
 And assisting the flight of a goose, 
 b 

 
 vi AN ADDRESS, &C. 
 
 Kind fortune to thee with respect I will drink. 
 If you'll spare me of want the reproach. 
 
 No more will I trouble pen, paper, or ink. 
 But forget them all three in my coach. 
 
 But alas ! in nothing but water, 'tis true, 
 Can I drink to ^thee, goddess divine. 
 
 And vainly do mortals for thy favors sue, 
 Who can't toast thee in bumpers of wine. 
 
 But dear goddess for once with pity bemov'd. 
 And on me with your sweet blessings shine, 
 
 Whatjoys 'twill produce by you to be lov'd, 
 T'will soon turn all my water to wine.
 
 THE CITIZEN; 
 
 Ht/MBLY DEDICATED, 
 
 BY THE AUTHOR, 
 TO HIMSELF. 
 
 Dear Sir, 
 
 As you are so completely 
 next my heart, and have been my constant 
 companion and friend all my life, I do not 
 think I can shew my gratitude better than 
 by dedicating this my first essay to you. 
 
 If I have been guilty of any incorrect- 
 ness in it, I am certain you will kindly
 
 viii DEDICATION. 
 
 pardon me. And if my book deserve* 
 praise, I am sure of more from you than 
 any one else. 
 
 From many of your actions^ I am most 
 fully convinced of the great partiality you 
 entertain for me, and in gratitude for that 
 continued goodness, allow me to subscribe 
 myself, 
 
 Honored and Dear -Sir, 
 Your most respectful servant, 
 THE AUTHOR.
 
 ADDRESS 
 
 TO .KUf 
 
 REVIEWERS, CRITICS, 
 
 cVc. 8(c. 8(c. 
 
 MY DIAR SOULS, 
 
 I here present to the world a little 
 Bantling of my own ; 'tis certainly a weak child, full 
 «f imperfections, and its limbs are very ill put to- 
 sether. As its constitution is so bad, that the least 
 thing will destroy it, I hope you will not be scold- 
 ing or finding fault with it. Some of you, T dare 
 say, are fathers yourselves, and therefore, I trust, 
 will look with an eye of compassion on it. 
 
 1 did not mean, as it was so helpless a wretch, and 
 had nothing to recommend it to serious attention, to 
 let it make its appearance in public, but yesterday 
 morning, as I was sitting down to breakfast, a sin- 
 gle knock came to my door.
 
 ADDRESS TO REVIEWERS. 
 
 Now, of all knocks in the world, I hate single 
 ones ; they have such an uncomfortable solitary- 
 sound ; so I jumped up to tell the servant girl to uay 
 that I was not at home, but she had already opened the 
 door, when behold in vvalks^ with a most diabolical 
 red face, my butcher's wife, with along roll of paper 
 in her hand ; — I, however, affected not to know what 
 she wanted, and accosted her with — 
 
 Ah, my dear Mrs. Bullock, how do you do ?— 1 
 have not seen you this age — ^pray sit down— what 
 unpleasant weather we have now — I think it is not so 
 cold to-day as it has been lately — you look charm- 
 ingly, one need not ask how you do, I am sure — 
 Pray how is my good friend Mr. Bullock ?— do take 
 a chair — the compliments of the season to you, Mrs, 
 Bullock — pray can I offer you any thing this very 
 cold morning — or will you take a cup of tea? — what 
 can I do to serve you ? 
 
 Vy I'll thank you. Mister, to pay this here bill, 
 
 that has been running on a long while, and Oh, 
 
 said I, interrupting her confounded discourse. Oh, 
 my hilU Well, my dear Mrs. Bullock, when bills 
 are made, they must be paid ; let's see what is the 
 amount — oh, only seven pounds eighteen shillings
 
 ADDRESS TO REVIEWERS. Xi 
 
 and ninepence. Ah, ha! a mere trifle; make my 
 remembrances to my good friend Mr. Bullock, 1 
 shall call on him without fail the beginning of next 
 month. 
 
 That's all very veil, Sir, but husband says lie 
 vont vait no longer; and as it is such a trifle you 
 may as veil pay it now ; I'm sure I have sent our boy 
 six or eight times after the money, and if our bills 
 bant paid we must shut up shoj). And husband 
 says, that he vont let you have no more meat till this 
 here is paid, and that's the short and long of it. 
 
 Why really, Mrs. Bullock, (I replied with a long 
 face) my remittances are not yet arrived from the 
 country ; I have been some time in expectation of 
 them, when they come I will let you know. 
 
 I don't know nothing about remittances, not I; all 
 I know is, husband says he vill vait till the end of 
 this veek, and then he vill send you a lawyer's let- 
 ter if you don't settle the bill, and that's the short 
 of that, so good morning Sir. 
 
 Good morning, Mrs. Bullock, said I, very coldly, 
 as she left the room, and returned to mv breakfast.
 
 Xil ADDRESS TO REVIEWERS. 
 
 but my appetite was gone, and after the things were 
 removed, I opened my desk, when lo! this my child 
 arose to my view. 
 
 Thou must go, my deir, said I, with all thy im- 
 perfections on thy head, and endearour to raise me 
 some money, that I may pay this red-faced devil, 
 and ensure myself something to eat, for I have as 
 great an objection to starving as most of my coun- 
 trymen , and think it would very ill become me indeed. 
 
 This, my Dear Souls, is the reason I send out into 
 the world my first-born child, and which, but for 
 Mrs. Bullock, would never have se6n it. 
 
 Believe me, Deajr Sou;l5, 
 
 Most affectionately your's, • 
 
 THE AUTHOR. 
 
 ERRATA. 
 
 Page 5, line 12, read Just like, 3cc. 
 
 33, — 3, for said read sad. 
 
 36, — 18, for price read piece. 
 
 66, — 8, for To read Or.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 CANTO I. 
 
 ARGUMENT. 
 
 In this, which is our first Canto, 
 We shall let all our Readers know 
 The figure, look, and disposition, 
 Of our favourite Citizen ; 
 State his rencontre with a dame, 
 Who is Religion called by name. 
 And then indite his plans for saving 
 This mighty nation from a broiling. 
 
 NEAR where the Monument uprears 
 Its tow'ring form, amid the fears 
 Of happless wights, who live in dread 
 Lest from its height its lofty head 
 
 A
 
 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 Should tumble down upon their houses, 
 
 Killing their sweethearts and their spouses. 
 
 And with its ponderous ruins fill 
 
 That pleasant place called Fish-street Hill, 
 
 (But most of all 'tis said they groan. 
 
 Lest ought should happen Number One,) 
 
 A gentle Cit there liv'd, whose name 
 
 We'll leave to be proclaim'd by fame; 
 
 In truth, he was an ugly wight, 
 
 And so his person I'll indite ; 
 
 But tho' his outside all alarm'd. 
 
 And often pregnant ladies harm'd. 
 
 Yet his inside did hold some grace, 
 
 Making amends for's ugly face. 
 
 And 'mongst his excentricities 
 
 Had got some decent qualities. 
 
 He little given was to wench, iO 
 
 Hated a Spaniard, damn'd the French^
 
 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 Was pretty honest as to stealing, 
 Xor lik'd a Dutt;hman's double dealing, 
 Except just in the way of trade, 
 AV'hen money by it could be made j 
 To save his soul from broiling lurch, 
 lie on a Sunday went to church. 
 And there, for fear his thoughts might roam, 
 lie slept, to keep them safe at home. 
 In height he was of stature small, 
 And measur'd equally as tall ; 
 "Whether he lay upon the floor. 
 Or stood bolt up against the door. 
 His round immense capacity 
 Almost exceeds veracity. 
 Witli loins of beef and venison 
 He did his inside benison. 
 And after loads of them had cramm'd in, 
 lie slices of plum-pudding janmi'd in, 
 A 2
 
 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 To fill up cracks and stop the wind. 
 
 From being troublesome behind. 
 
 For well he knew, if but a chink 
 
 Was left unfill'd by meat or drink. 
 
 It must, as sages all declare, ^• 
 
 Be occupied by empty airj 
 
 And such misfortune to prevent. 
 
 Huge loads of food he downwards sent. - ^ 
 
 His legs were made in such proportion 
 As's carcase could with safety stand on; 
 They were two friends ne'er known to quarrel. 
 And look'd like stands to a beer-barrel; 
 And as he walk'd along the street, ^ 
 
 With friendly thumps his knees wduld Itiefel, 
 
 His snout Was of enorm6tis size. 
 Like hill upon his face did rise. 
 Or beacon fix'd upon a strand. 
 To warn the sailor of the land s
 
 THE CITI2EN. 
 
 So red it was, you would suppose 
 
 He kept a gin-shop in his nose; 
 
 'Twas like to a barometer, 
 
 And did the weather oft declare. 
 
 The cold its redness from it drew. 
 
 And turn'd it to a livid blue, 
 
 But when the Sun popp'd out his head. 
 
 It then became a fiery red. 
 
 And that it might encreftse its grace. 
 
 It spread its beams about his face. 
 
 His head, when's hat was off, was bald. 
 Like a pig's back when 'tis scald. 
 But lest the vulgar mob should rail. 
 Five hairs together formed a tail. 
 
 His shoulders were in such proportion. 
 As made his belly no distortion, 
 To such a tovv'ring height they rose. 
 His back as high was as his nose.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 If they had not, 'twould been full sore. 
 For hump behind help'd hump before j 
 And as you view'd him by the side, [ ij^Y/i ' 
 One foot at least hung o'er his hide. ,.,,i^ ,/, 
 His eyes each other quite forsook, ;,)q oifi 
 They never would the same way look. 
 But shrew'd philosophers suppose 
 They did it to avoid his nose^ 
 They roy'd about in opposition. 
 To all idea of coalition, 1 
 
 So that if one look'd east, at best 
 The other pointed to north-west > 
 When forc'd the one on snout was bent. 
 The other his assistance lent. 
 But this was merely policy, : t 
 
 They had foresworn all other tie. 
 For had one solely met its gaze, .;,; 
 
 It had been singed by its rays.
 
 THE dItIZE^^. 
 
 But both together stood the heat. 
 Without attempting a retreat. 
 
 And when, in am'rous extacy. 
 One upwards in his head would fly. 
 And there lie hid, till pleasures reign 
 Being o'er, it would slide down again, 
 Which made some learned doctors deem 
 He would beget a Polypheme ; 
 Whom, almost every scholar knows. 
 Had one eye just above his nose. 
 Which on the ground as lay the lout, 
 'Squire Ulysses did fry out. 
 
 He was a famous politician. 
 And weekly did each Gazette scan; 
 Would every thing as clear advance, 
 As if he'd just arrived from France, 
 And when engaged in hot dispute. 
 His ficrv nose was never mute;
 
 ^ THE CITIZEN. 
 
 It then would like $ meteor rit^, 
 Gleaming horrific 'tween his eyes. 
 And threaten fell destruction 
 On any oppositioiji— 
 
 He would lay .out, by sti'aws and crumbs, 
 Keith and Sir Sidney with their bombs. 
 Shew Boulogne harbour and the roads. 
 And where at anchor lay the toads j ; 
 
 And how our foes, with num'rous train, 
 March 'd in, and then imarch'd out again ; 
 And, without the aid of Lingo French, 
 Would point you out each dyke and trench. 
 
 He with delight would often mention. 
 The gallant actions of Lord Nelson, 
 How he took twenty ships of wax 
 From the enemy near Trafalg?ir ; 
 And fell himself amid the strife. 
 Ending thus his glorious life.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 9 
 
 Then turning up his dismal eyes. 
 Wish him a snug birth in the skies; 
 He gaily hop'd the Emperor Nap 
 Would not survive the sad mishap. 
 But that he'd quickly cut his throat. 
 For loss of all his ships of note. 
 
 Then, with a sigh, he'd in a crack 
 Lug out a curse 'gainst General Mack, 
 He wish'd him in the low'r regions 
 For being beaten by French legions; 
 And with a hearty damn uncivil, 
 Consign'd him over to the devil. 
 
 And begg'd he would the General lash, 
 
 For being fearful of his hash. 
 
 But when he heard the fall of Ulm, 
 
 For a whole day he look'd quite glum ; 
 
 Was so infernally provok'd, 
 
 'Twas tliought by some he must be choak'd.
 
 10 TITE CITIZEN. 
 
 ^ i. . .1. I. -I - . . _ .1 r — it 
 
 And scarce at dinner did he eat 
 More than two pounds of roasted meat ; 
 That day the wind assail'd him sore, n^ -/H 
 And plagu'd him both behind, before, 4 jm'lr 
 All night he was upon the rack, it ^r^rft Hill 
 And when he slept he dream't of Mack, 
 And starting fiercely from his bed. 
 He wish'd the coward General dead ; 
 Rolling his frightful eyes about. 
 He show'red curses on the lout. 
 And whene'er he heard him nam*d. 
 He almost pray'd he might be damn'd. 
 
 But Dame Religion coming down. 
 Hit him a lick upon the crown. 
 And staring in his ugly face. 
 Said Peter, hast thou lost all grace. 
 And art thou then so full of evil 
 To send a Christian to the Devil ?
 
 THE CITIZEN. 11 
 
 How, wretched mortal, dost thou dare. 
 Not having licence, thus to swear; 
 And know'st thou not, if I was willing. 
 For each oath thou shou'dst pay a shilling? 
 I prithee quickly mend thy ways. 
 Or short will be thy future days. 
 If you don't please me by your prayers, 
 I'll take you 'fore the court upstairs. 
 
 Poor Peter star'd with fright, his belly 
 AVas almost turn'd into a jelly. 
 He full-well, by the blazing light. 
 Knew who it was, and in a fright 
 Pie tumbled down upon his knees. 
 Saying, Pray forgive me if you please; 
 I own that I have done great harm. 
 And hope your anger you'll disai-m. 
 In religious matters I'm no quack. 
 My brains was turn'd by General; Mack,
 
 12 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 Who has, without or let or stay, 
 
 "With all the Austrians run away. 
 
 However, Ma'am, I'll calm my blood, ifjii 
 
 And for the future will be good; 
 
 Believe me, I never will again 
 
 Wish ill to Christian, Turk, or Pagan, 
 
 And tho' I hate them all 'tis true, h re * - ' 
 
 I will not even curse a Jew. 
 
 Satisfied with his confession, 
 The goddess gave him absolution. 
 And hop'd that grace would him attend. 
 And she'd in future be his friend ^ 
 She counsell'd him on's knees to pray, -« 
 
 And read the Bible every day. 
 Frequent the churches twice a week. 
 And rev'rently of religion speak; 
 And caution'd him all rage to dispel. 
 Never to wish any one in Hell, u dUv«3t4 virl
 
 THE CITIZEN. 13 
 
 Lest he should pay a visit there. 
 To see how he would like the fare. 
 
 Peter was frighted mortally, 
 And smok'd all over in a fr}'^ : 
 He vow'd, that for the future he 
 AVould worship her with bended knee. 
 And that he would the Bible read. 
 With twenty other books beside; 
 With patience that he might be grac'd. 
 He'd have his bad debts 'fore him plac'd. 
 Would never more a Debtor ve.x. 
 Nor them with lawyers' suits perplex. 
 And that he might from Hell be freed, 
 AVould help them if they were in need. 
 
 The goddess smiled, this Peter do. 
 And well I shall agree with you; 
 If you'll obey me, I declare 
 'Tis not unlike you may be mayor.
 
 14 TH^ CITIZEN,;, 
 
 This sard, the goddess took her flight. 
 Her tandem soon was out of sigt^jt,. 
 And left the Knight in doleful taking. 
 With fright as with an ague shaking; 
 He well knew he had given no bond 
 To the goddess, or e'en note of hand, 7^ 
 
 For just fulfillment of conditions . 
 
 Which he had made in his contritions; ? r:'.i7/ 
 But well he knew she was severe. 
 And of his word he must take care,>v*«,i i ., * 
 Lest she should dish him in a huffj-m iiiuo// 
 And devils should his jacket cuff, v^iii'>d» h>/^ 
 He thought of all that he had said, i imii b«iA 
 And shaking sore his monstrous head, -ItirK 
 Fear'd he had left himself in the lurch. 
 From too much love for Mother Church y ' 
 But then again she did declare, . _ .^ i.o^^ il 
 That she wpuld ?nake hvan a Lor4Mfly«f, aT
 
 THE CITIZEN. l!i 
 
 This thought compos'd his flutt'ring spirits. 
 And brought him to survey his merits. 
 
 I am of .size immense, quoth he. 
 Which will increase my dignity; 
 And then a great deal I can drink. 
 That's an accomplishment I think. 
 And of great use ; and as to eating, 
 I'm sure the aldei-.Tien of beating. 
 I really think a delicate haunch 
 Of venison would scarce fill my paunch, 
 And thatj I'm sure there's hardly two 
 Of the present aldermen can do. 
 So that I think I sliall for certain 
 The comin;^- year as Mayor be sworn in, 
 Certes I'll make a desperate bluster, 
 When common-council men I muster. 
 And with looks most profound advise 
 With the Minister 'bout fresh supplies;
 
 15 THE CITIZENi 
 
 And so in oratory shine^ 
 That he'll withdraw the tax on winej 
 And then I do not care by jigs. 
 If e'en he lays it all on wigs; 
 Then, with every due submission. 
 Tell him I come about religion. 
 And with a bow most lowly state. 
 That those who pray should licence take. 
 That such step would produce salvation 
 To every subject in the nation. 
 And much the cause of virtue aid, ' 
 
 For they whose thoughts from heaven're Stray'd, 
 Knowing the world would witness be 
 Of their too plain apostacy. 
 In fear the clergy should them scout, 
 . Would quickly take their licence out. 
 And they who for. a licence pay, 
 "Would have their penn'worth every day.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 1? 
 
 All pious souls would quickly flv. 
 And get their licence presently; 
 And Bucks would e'en a licence take. 
 And say their prayers for fashions sake. 
 
 And furthermore, to check the daring. 
 There should a Patent be for swearing, 
 And on each curse a price be fix'd; 
 Not vulgar with genteel ones mix'd, 
 A decent oath should cost full twice 
 As much as one that is not nice. 
 So that if even in the dark 
 You quarrel with an unknown spark. 
 Then by the oath you'll quickly scan 
 The blackguard from the gentleman. 
 
 Indeed, it may revoke our sentence, 
 And make more easy our repentance ; 
 AVhen coming to our latter end. 
 We sooner then can make amend ; 
 c
 
 VS THE. CItlZEN. 
 
 For looking o'er our patents we 
 The oaths we used will quickly see, - hitk 
 And when our consciences accuse, ' i>fH P.ftA 
 We can our praying licence use, 
 Which surely soon must mend the matter. 
 And wash our sins away like water ,,.i;^ >•, ,-XT 
 This done, I'd humbly then declare , i,i*f^ 
 'Twould proper be to tax the fair. 
 Who, in defiance of all order, ' A 
 
 By wearing breeches make disorder, rt. rr'rr r A 
 Which now so common is become, , '^ 
 
 There's no such thing as peace at home j , j. 
 And very soon these daring elves t -^d xi^if f 
 Will cock crow o'er the world themselves-. ]' 
 Sufficient would be a confession, ii .I'^abnl 
 From the husband to impose taxation, r jNr/ij, 
 But if unwilling to disclose .-Tff 
 
 The brazen fair who wear the cloathti, 7
 
 THE CITIZEN. 19 
 
 Kgad, I'd make a desp'rate search, 
 And treat those ladies with the birch, 
 And notwithstanding all their screeches, 
 I'd soon find out who wore the breeches 3 
 And very right it is, that they. 
 For uncontrouled pow'r, should pay. 
 Since that they take, by usurpation. 
 The rights of us lords of creation. 
 
 Again, those gents who all day saunter. 
 And spend their time behind a counter. 
 And there display their pretty faces, 
 In selling tapes and thread and laces. 
 Each from favorite counter far. 
 Should enter in our ships of war. 
 Or to tlie Duke of York be sent, 
 To fight upon the continent. 
 
 M'hat pity, w hen these sturdy stallions 
 Would make so many fuie battalions.
 
 20 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 That they should thus employ their hours^\'£ 
 *Mid callico and muslin bow'rs.v)til tii^ilhni^ I 
 
 This measure 5oon would clear the streets 
 Of the crowds of prostitutes one meets, ci NT: 
 For, overjoy 'd, great many would 
 Obtain an honest livelyhood. 
 In proper works they'd pass their daySjv^iiuT- 
 And quickly would amend their ways. 
 And thus the cause of virtue aid. 
 By bringing back the sheep that stray 'd. 
 
 But if these gents should pallid grow. 
 And not have spunk to meet the foe. 
 Or vote it an infernal bore 
 To have their chops by bullets tore^ 
 A heavy tax. unto the nation 
 They all should pay for their salvation. 
 And patents every man should have, 
 By which their mutton they might save.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 2V 
 
 And as on taxes I am treating, 
 J think there should be one on speaking j 
 We for the light that's in our room 
 Must pay a tax, or else 'twont come. 
 And therefore we may clearly say 
 Our eyes are taxed for seeing day; 
 And 'twould occasion no surprize. 
 If mouths were taxed as well as eyes; 
 What happiness to many men. 
 Whose wives incessant wag their tongue. 
 Unless a licence they'd afford, 
 AVould never dare to speak a word; 
 Husbands would not forsake their houses, 
 But doat upon their silent spouses; 
 'Tis true their faces might look glum, 
 j[3ut of their feelings, (being dumb) 
 They could not make the least relation 
 JBy oral communication.
 
 ^ THE CITIZiiN> 
 
 And they should never learn to write. 
 
 Lest they their passion might inditejj AmfU \, 
 
 This certes would prevent disasters, tot aVr 
 And husbands would be lords and makers;/* 
 By being so, our master we • r.'/indt buA 
 Would most implicitly obey;, j 41^ mxo wO 
 Does not he say, Wives should not wre^tle^ A 
 But subject be to stronger vessel, , e.kUuom'\l 
 And wives commanded are by bishopy ir'.riT 
 Their husbands constantly to worship^jaciiY/ 
 So by these taxes the whole nation' • -s-hiTJ 
 Will undergo a reforinatipn, . - .,. hUuHf 
 From every evil they'll defend us, ,.i)iiiid^i»Ii 
 And certainly to heaven send us> -, j,:oi> jnU 
 Our deepest sins they'll cast away, ^ ; ■ 
 
 And render needless each Fast-day. .irj 
 
 With much internal commendation^ j |' 
 Peter thus fmish'd his oration; ff
 
 THE CITIZKX. 93 
 
 lie shook himself, pulled up his cloaths. 
 And wip'd the sweat from off his nose. 
 And dinner being just announced. 
 With eagerness down stairs he bounced. 
 And furiously did eat and drink. 
 Until he'd closed up every chink. 
 And when unable to cram more, 
 lu his arm-chair began to snore. 
 
 l.\D OF THi: I'WiSV CANTO.
 
 Itollii) iiit/: 
 
 'hf fmt
 
 I 
 
 % 
 
 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 CANTO II. 
 
 ARGUMENT. 
 
 Peter at length in love does get, 
 Which puts him in a mighty fret, 
 But, taking heart, at last he goes 
 Unto the nymph who caus'd his woes ; 
 Who, being quite romantical, 
 Conducts herself fantastical. 
 The figure of this lovely fair 
 We have describ'd with greatest care; 
 Also a curious tale we'll tell. 
 Of what poor Peter's snout befel. 
 
 OUR CITIZEN intentl}^ sticks 
 His mighty mind to politics j 
 It greatly vex'd his ugly noddle, 
 To see how Austria did joggle.
 
 S8 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 We do not wish to breed confusion^ 
 By being guilty of allusion. 
 But merely take from whence 'tis bred. 
 These lucubrations of our head. 
 
 Our informations all agree. 
 Sir Peter had from love been free. 
 But now was come the fatal hour 
 That he should feel that potent power. 
 And our poor knight in that odd part 
 By learned doctors called the Heart, 
 Was stuck, which over head and ears 
 Involved him in a thousand fears. 
 And Cupid plung'd so deep his arrow. 
 It infected e'en his very marrow. 
 
 His love it was so very hot, 
 Boil'd up like porridge in a pot. 
 And now Sir Knight would pass his days 
 In singing am'rous roundelays.
 
 THE CITIZEN. ^9 
 
 And when at night he lay in bed, 
 Turn'd lifty times his ugly head. 
 He could not sleep for thinking on 
 The object of his passion. 
 And how to make that passion known. 
 Was what Sir Knight reflected on. 
 
 He did sagaciously suppose. 
 That his most formidable nose. 
 By tiie object of his predilection. 
 Would be esteemed an objection; 
 And squinting at his nasal hump. 
 In doleful taking scratched his rump. 
 And then in a soliloquy 
 He thus began his colloquy : — 
 Wer't not for thee, thou awkward feature, 
 I miglif obtain the darling creature. 
 But should I e'er of loving talk, 
 Tliou surely would my purpose baulk.
 
 30 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 Not e'en the gold that's on my shelf. 
 Can gloss thee o'er thou ugly elf, 
 I fear I am myself to blame. 
 That thou art come unto this same. 
 And that thou, of my frequent suction. 
 Art the luxurious production. 
 Oh that thou could be cur'd by drugs. 
 Or sweated down with heated rugs; 
 With pleasure I would undertake 
 Even a pilgrimage for thy sake. 
 To where Slawkenbergius supposes 
 Rises the promontory of noses; 
 And there invoke each nasal god 
 To rid me of thy cumb'rous load. 
 And if they would my prayers accord. 
 And me a decent nose afford. 
 Each day through it, after my dinner, 
 I'd si»g a hymn, as I'm a sinner.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 81 
 
 And that my thoughts at home might keep, 
 I'd do it when I was asleep; 
 For when engaged by worldly cares, 
 Our roving thoughts do hinder prayers. 
 And so when others think me snoring, 
 Your excellencies I'd be adoring. 
 
 But then again a story goes. 
 That women like a largish nose. 
 Conceiving that it with it brings 
 A greater share of other things. 
 If that's the case, Sir Peter, you 
 AV^ill certainly for courting do, 
 For sure no ladies are so rough 
 As to demand an ocular proof! 
 If that they should, I sure shall fail. 
 And much at me they'd laugh and rail. 
 Indeed I think this same hard drinking 
 Has got the quality of shrinking.
 
 32 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 But when the priest the thing has done, 
 'Tis too late then to change their tone. 
 
 Peter was pleased with his inspection. 
 As it had banish'd all objection. 
 And having muster'd up his courage, 
 Resolv'd that he, without demurrage. 
 Should go unto the lady fair. 
 His ardent passion to declare; 
 And would, to expedite the banns. 
 Shew her some Abraham Newlands; 
 Of which, by trading, and what not. 
 Some how or other store he'd got. 
 And wisely did he think that they 
 Would a great deal easier make the way. 
 And forward better his design 
 Than twenty letters all in rhyme; 
 For altho' wrote in prose, yet they 
 Appear more like a tuneful lay.
 
 THE CITIZEN. ^5 
 
 And can confer more pleasantry 
 Than e'en the best of poetry, 
 'Tis said, as they're so sensible. 
 That they are not more plentiful. 
 That all the world might them peruse. 
 And at their full discretion use. 
 Our poets, fill'd with great delight, 
 ^Vould never after care to write. 
 And learn'd constructors of romances. 
 Would pass their time at plays and dances. 
 And much more good would do by caper, 
 Than'n wasting so much writing paper. 
 Filling the heads of these great nations. 
 With tales of ghosts and apparitions, 
 flaking many a dashing spark 
 Tremble at being in the dark. 
 Test that some ghost of bloody note 
 Shouhl with a razor cut his throat, 
 
 F,
 
 ^4 tHE ClTIZE??. 
 
 Or hand of icy coldness seize 
 Him by the nose and make it freeze. 
 But for this digression we beg pardon, 
 Hoping by it, we have no harm done. 
 The nymph to whom it does belong 
 To be ennobled by our song, 
 Liv'd with her antiquated mother. 
 In that clean place yclep'd the Borough 5 
 She was in height almost gigantic. 
 In disposition quite romanticy 
 And as this is a proper place, 
 I think we'll now describe her face, 
 And tho' she certes was no beauty. 
 We are obliged to do our duty. 
 And by exact delineation. 
 Give you the best of information ? 
 Indeed, her physiognomy 
 Was rather odd, as 30U will sfe. ■ -
 
 THE CITIZEN. ^5 
 
 Her forehead, that's from the eyes to the hair. 
 Was full eight inches we declare, 
 And as far back as the year one, 
 flight have been estimated handsome j 
 But now we cannot say we relish 
 Over the eves to see so much flesh; 
 Tho' white it formerly had been, 
 'Twas now more like to ass's skin. 
 And full of wrinkles was, and pimples. 
 The very opposite to dimples; 
 And at the bottom, 'tween each eye, 
 Which we shall talk of by and by. 
 Protended a long starv'ling nose. 
 Which overhung her lanthorn jaws; 
 It was .-,0 tliin you would have sworn 
 ll had been on a grinding stone. 
 And never seeni'd to have partook^ 
 Of any thing but Lundifoot,
 
 S6 , THE CITIZEN. 
 
 Of which 'twas ev'ry moment cramm'd, '^^'^ 
 By pinches which were upwards ramm'd, ' • 
 Which she said Used to help her fancies. 
 When she was writing of romances, >^fe"^ 
 And before she could begirt her prose. 
 First stuff'd to very top her nose; 
 By it her senses were collected, 
 "W^hich her compositions directed. 
 Without the aid of pinch of snuff. 
 They'd sure have been most shocking stuff. 
 
 And as it was, no bookseller 
 
 Would ever buy her works of her ; 
 
 She used to print them at her cost. 
 
 By which she generally lost. 
 
 AVith indignation she would mutter. 
 
 When she found 'em round a pound of butter. 
 
 Nor did it give her mind relief. 
 
 When they envelop'd price of beef.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 37 
 
 And with a dreadful iumontation, 
 
 She'd mourn the follies of the nation. 
 
 Who, to merit having no respect, 
 
 Shou'd treat her works with such neglect. 
 
 And swear that for the future she 
 
 Would let the world in ignorance be. 
 
 Since they did not rate her qualities 
 
 To the extent of her vanities ; 
 
 She wish'd lier writings such repute. 
 
 As would make all other scribblers mutej 
 
 She thought her works were quite divine. 
 
 And almost worshipped every line. 
 
 But the reviewers did not dote. 
 
 And monthly damn'd each book she wrote. 
 
 Which made her very splenetic. 
 
 And soon of writing she grew sick. 
 
 Her nose has led to great digression. 
 But we'll proceed in due rotation;
 
 38 The citizen. 
 
 To this same nose the nearest thing 
 That we could find was e'en her chin. 
 Their very great partiality 
 Pid account for this locality. 
 The chin curl'd upwards at its end. 
 And almost touch'd her stuffy friend. 
 And when she op'd her mouth to eat. 
 To see her certes was great treat. 
 For with the action of her jaw. 
 Her face resembled a crab's claw. 
 And \\ hoe'er would give her salutatiouj 
 Of nose and chir^ mi^st a§k permissioi^. 
 For true it was that \\ex two smackers 
 M'e^re nearly hid by her nutci:ackers. 
 And who to kis^ them thru§t their faces. 
 Must Arst encounter their embraces, 
 
 Indeed, from off her upper lip 
 One could not store of honey sip,
 
 THE CITIZEN. 39 
 
 Tlie bees that station long forsook, 
 They'd given way to Lilndifoot, 
 Who used, with yellow stream, to grace 
 That part of her most lovely face. 
 
 Her eyes that in her head were bred, 
 Were very small and edged with red. 
 And from their color, which was grey^ 
 People ill-natured things did say. 
 And gave it their opinion, that 
 They had been taken from a cat, 
 'Twas thought too by a learned clerk, 
 Tiiat she could use thciu in the dark. 
 But whether that she could or not, 
 'Wc never learn't, or have forgot. 
 
 Her hair was red, in sucli profusion, 
 As when down she could almost set On. 
 But it she constantly con fin 'd 
 In a large chignon behind.
 
 40 THE CITIZEI^. 
 
 And fearful lest it ©light entrap 
 The vulgar gaze, she iu her cap 
 Those fiery tresses, her great pride^ 
 Used commonly with care to hide ; 
 But when she dressed on gala days. 
 They then shone forth in all their blaze. 
 Her arms would well, for skin and bone. 
 An anatomist's shop become. 
 
 Her legs, one shorter was than t'other^ 
 And not at all made like its brother. 
 Which caused a little limping gait. 
 For long leg did on short one wait. 
 But that defect, with leathern heel, 
 Crispin endeavour'd to conceal. 
 
 Her , but we'll not go o'er her knees. 
 
 Lest delicate readers wc displease, 
 Sufiice't to say, all other places 
 AVcrc alike favour'd by the graces.
 
 THE CITIZEN'. 41 
 
 Thus have we drawn, with extreme care. 
 This true description of the fair. 
 
 Our friends, perhaps, will be surprized. 
 How this fair dame such passions raised. 
 Into the fat bosom of our Knight, 
 As made his nose almost look white; 
 We will refer them to Dan Cupid, 
 AVho being blind as well as stupid. 
 Doth aim his shafts so carelesslv. 
 They o'er the world at random fly. 
 He draws his bow, and in a twitch 
 Sticks high aad low, both poor and rich, 
 ToL^ethcr brings the young and old. 
 The meek and quiet with the scold i 
 The fat, the lean, the short, the tall. 
 Under his mi^rhtv arrows fall. 
 And Cupid will not be cross-question'd. 
 But must with great respect be mentioa'd, 
 
 F
 
 4Sl THE CITIZEN. 
 
 For if you give him much abuse. 
 Quickly his venom he'll infuse. 
 And whM's more painful than the smart 
 Of a poor dying love-sick heart? 
 
 Perhaps Erskine, with the aid of Garrovv, 
 Might soon convince him of his error. 
 For if one's eloquence did fail. 
 And for once prove of no avail. 
 The other might the god prevent. 
 By dint of furious argument. 
 From plaguing thus the hearts of men. 
 And fright'n him to the skies again. 
 
 Our Knight, revolving in iii.s mind 
 The mighty purpose he design 'd. 
 Sallied from forth his house to go 
 Unto the lady in the Borough, 
 And as he o'er the bridge did move. 
 Thought how he should disclose his love.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 43 
 
 If in the form of an oration 
 To make the amorous confession. 
 Or by great store of slglis and groans, 
 Of briny tears and dismal moans. 
 Or endeavour to declare his passion, 
 By visual communication. 
 
 However Peter thought, this latter 
 Would be too troublesome a matter. 
 And best conceived would be a speech. 
 In which her hand he would beseech; 
 And having thought the substance o'er, 
 lie boldly knock'd at the street-door. 
 
 lie now was usher'd in a room, 
 AVlu.re sat tlie lady all alone, 
 Bou iug as low a.s his double chin, 
 Alii his big belly would permit him, 
 ^r littering an inward piayer for grace, 
 Xlii rhiu> be^'an to explain his case.
 
 44 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 Madam, I'm come to you this morning,^.^^ 
 Of my intents to give you warning ; 
 Cupid has lately, with a dart. 
 Most sadly tore my bleeding heart , 
 And told me that it was to you 
 I must for reparation sue; 
 I cannot long the pain endure. 
 And now come to you for my cure; 
 I hope you'll be a kind physician. 
 And listen to your rhetorician, 
 And that you soon will ease my pain, 
 And make me happy once again. 
 By giving me, without demurrage. 
 Your own darling self in marriage. 
 For I assure you, on my word. 
 Unless you your consent accord, 
 I fear I soon shall make my will, 
 And speedily my coffin fill.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 45 
 
 And when my breath has jump'd away. 
 And my poor carcase's turn'd to clay. 
 That you your cruelty may see, 
 These lines shall on my tombstone be: 
 
 Hprc Peter lies, who in his life 
 
 Did once solicit for a wife, 
 
 And died for love of the fair dame. 
 
 Who would not grant to him that same. 
 
 Consider, then, my dearest Miss, 
 You'll have to answer for all thisj 
 But if I your consent obtain. 
 And quickly cur'd am of my pain, 
 I'll strive to make you, all my life. 
 By tender care a liappy wife. 
 
 Cupid a joiner is by trade. 
 And to the man he nails the maidj 
 Let me en. ploy the little elf 
 To tack mc to your lovely self,
 
 ^ THE CITIZEN. 
 
 And suffer me, in yoiir fair hands. 
 To place these Abrahaip Nevvlands : 
 Give me but your ^ear^self in pledge. 
 And plenty more I'll in them wedge. 
 
 Peter now ceased, for want of breath. 
 He almost tir'd was to death; 
 And stood, in expectation mute. 
 For the fair one's answer to his suit. v 
 
 The lady, during this harangue. 
 Had fix'd her eyes upon her fan. 
 And once or twice to blush she tried. 
 But Lundifoot her cheeks had died 
 With such a dingy yellow smear. 
 That blood would not through them appear ; 
 Her thoughts on marriage long had staid. 
 She hated to be call'd a maid. 
 And if she died ^o, who could tell 
 That she would not lead apes in hell ?
 
 THE CITIZEN. 47 
 
 ' ' ■ — t 
 
 It appeared also quite romantic. 
 That Sir Peter had beqome so love-sick ; 
 The Newlands in her lap she laid. 
 And thus THito Sir Peter said; 
 She spoke her words in seeming hurry. 
 And appeared all over in a flurry. 
 This direct avowal of your love 
 No novel-writer can approve; 
 In pity to your tender feeling. 
 Which being hurt requires healing, 
 I will not quite your suit reject. 
 But time I must have to reflect. 
 Before I give up all my charms 
 Which I possess unto your arms; 
 What would the world say if 'twere known 
 That I your wife so soon become ? 
 You should, at least, have waited years. 
 Amid a thousand hope.i and fears.
 
 48 Ttlfc CITIZEN. 
 
 And in some sweet sequester 'd grove> 
 You should have nurs'd your tender love; 
 And on the slow meand'ring brook. 
 With folded arms in silence look. 
 And wish its waves did you enclose. 
 And quickly end your dreadful woes; 
 And then, to give your mind relievement. 
 You should attempt some great achievement ; 
 To shew of strength your mighty power. 
 Fight with the lions in the Tower, 
 And fearless and undaunted range 
 Among the beasts at Exeter 'Change ; 
 Should roam the world in search of robbers. 
 And attack them as you would Stock-jobbers; 
 Should from enchanted castles free 
 People confined by tyranny; 
 Should storm the gates of the King's Bench, 
 And off their massy fastenings wrench.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 49 
 
 Then set the wond'ring prisoners free. 
 Who doubtless would march off with glee; 
 Should know all Emperors and Cailiffs, 
 And free the grateful world of Bailiffs; 
 You, then, in face of open day. 
 Should at my feet your laurels lay ; 
 And other suitors to prevent. 
 Declare your love by tournament. 
 In which you should the conqueror be. 
 Or never after think on me; 
 Who touch'd them by your pains acute. 
 Would condescend to hear your suit. 
 And tiipn, perhaps, to save your life. 
 Would give consent to be your wife, 
 Tl.e lady finished thus her speech. 
 Each word of which did Peter reach, 
 Wiio long, in great amazement lost. 
 Stood bolt upright just like a post; 
 
 G
 
 ^ THE CITIZEN. 
 
 Or more like crooked stump of tree, 
 Which often in a Vvood you'll see. 
 He turn'd all over in his head, ^ U^^v^^ 
 
 Each word she had unto him said,'M *t<r'iit |i.#/v 
 And roird his eyes witli vacant stare^ 
 While these his cogitations were : 
 
 To live in groves the whole day long^ 
 And wish in brooks to fall head-long. 
 To pass so many tedious years 
 In nought but dismal sighs and tears j 
 To fight with lions in the Tower^ 
 Who soon his belly would devourj 
 And then, perhaps, by way of treat, 
 As a bo7in€ bouche his nose would eat, 
 (As 'tis with us the fashion still. 
 After dinner to have a, dcviU) 
 To go to Mr. Pidcock's house. 
 And there his birds and beasts ill vi'^t^iLv .;*
 
 THE CITIZEN. 51 
 
 To fight with thieves upon Blackheath, 
 M'here he, perhaps, might meet his death; 
 To ope the doors of the King's Bench, 
 And let the prisoners free from thence. 
 Was more than Lords and Commons too. 
 Or act of grace could hardly do; 
 Beside, he'd some debtors there himself. 
 And he little lik'd to lose his pelf. 
 And if the Bailiffs were way-laid. 
 How could his debts be ever paid ? 
 And then for pleasure of beholders. 
 To i^ot his head knock'd off his shoulders; 
 Or ifthat 'scap'd, 'twas great odds but 
 lie nii,i!,!it be wounded in the gut, 
 And after live perhaps on spoon meat. 
 No more plum-puddings left to eat, 
 Nor Wma of beef, nor legs of mutton. 
 Nor any thing b.e did deligiit on,
 
 511 THE CITIZEN, 
 
 For fear his wounds might ope again. 
 And torture him with racking pain. 
 
 Having now called in some ideas. 
 And brought out half a dozen tears, ^^ 
 
 Which he thought would suit the occasion. 
 And aid oratorical persuasion ; >fe"r;*i 
 
 Madam, said he, the times are altered, 
 When that for love (and here he falter'd) 
 Knights used to roam the world about. 
 And majce such dreadful bloody rout. 
 And how could human nature bear 
 To live in groves, and feed on air ? 
 In ancient times it might have becu done, 
 But now we must have joints to feed on, 
 I am sure 'twould be my utmost pride 
 To shew myself (and here he sigh'd) 
 Right worthy of your acceptation. 
 In any way but by starvation,
 
 THE CITIZEN. HIS 
 
 For I declare, as I'm a sinner, 
 
 I could not live without my dinner; 
 
 And as to fighting with the brutes, 
 
 111 with my gentle temper suits; 
 
 My bent is love and politics. 
 
 And not such desperate bloody tricks; 
 
 Sly great ambition, I declare. 
 
 Is to have you, and be Lord Mayor, 
 
 For which I have a sort of promise. 
 
 Made me by a virtuous Goddess, 
 
 "Who assured me, with her own sweet mouth, 
 
 (If I behaved well enough. 
 
 And paid attention to religion,) 
 
 1 might liiC place depend upon; 
 
 And so, to clench this matter, I, 
 
 AAliou I get in my mayoralty, 
 
 Sliill go to the minister to shew 
 
 My loyalty, and make my bow.
 
 ^i( THE CITIZEK. 
 
 And civilly entreat he would, T^h4W-'l 'ld'4 
 Attend to me for the public good; f hffii^i 
 And then some schemes before him lay, ■*■ 
 Such as are not seen every day, vm rf;r/r lil* 
 Which will the cause of virtue aid, ^|>^ 
 
 And every soul bring back that's stray'd. 
 And Dame Religion Iknows all this, • -• -/I 
 Therefore the place I scarce can miss, > f 
 Then, lady, let my entreaties move. 
 And accept my ever constant love. ;^ 
 
 Our Knight then thought if he could kneel 
 Before the fair, 'twould make her feel i \\) 
 More pity for his hapless state^ 
 And sooner le,| him l^now his fate, < 
 
 His knecs^ not used to so much grace^, 
 Refused to bend, and on his face 
 Our doting Knight, oh sad mishap^ 
 Fell right into the lady's lapj^
 
 THE CITIZEN; US 
 
 The chair gave way, and in a crack. 
 The lady lay upon her back; 
 The Knight soon follow'd, and his nose 
 Pok'd almost half-way up her cloaths, 
 ^Vllo feeling something 'tween her knees. 
 Gave it a most confounded squeeze. 
 And kept it there, with all her might. 
 While Peter roar'd with pain and fright. 
 At length conceiving what it was. 
 She kindly did release his nose. 
 Quickly she then regained her feet. 
 And almost blushing, took her seat. 
 
 Covered all o'er with shame and pain. 
 The Kniglit got on his legs again. 
 Then slow advanced unto the fair. 
 Who was adjusting her red hair. 
 And putting on contrite appearance, 
 latreated she'd forg-ivc the mischance;
 
 56 THE CiTtZEJSf* 
 
 And hop'd that she'd received no harnii 
 But what arose from her alarm. 
 
 The lady said, " Sir Peter, you, 
 I fear, are hurt most of the two, 
 And do some quick assistance need. 
 For much your nose appears to bleed 5 
 Pray suffer me to ring for Grace 
 To bring some water for your face.'* 
 
 Our Knightj who was in piteous case> 
 Apply'd the water to his face. 
 His nose had got in such a fever, 
 lie did not think 'twould be cool ever, 
 At present 'twas in such a coil, 
 It almost made the water boil ; 
 It smoak'd all o'er like pies, when hot. 
 Or pudding taken from the pot j 
 She had so squeez'd it with her nippers, 
 AVhich seem'd to be as sharp as clippers.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 5? 
 
 Tliat certes 'twas the best of luck 
 That still upon his face it stuck. 
 
 As soon as e'er the pain was gone. 
 Our Knight began to find his tongue. 
 And taking hold of resolution. 
 Exerted all his elocution. 
 And with such force his suit did move. 
 That soon he gain'd the fair one's love^ 
 Who, without any more delay, 
 Promis'd to marry him next day. 
 
 END OF THE SECOND CANTO. 
 
 H
 
 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 CANTO III. 
 
 ARGUMENT. 
 
 bir Kn*ght, attended by his spouse, 
 Goes out of town to take a house ; 
 The muse to you will quickly tell 
 The sad mischance that them befell, 
 And how he does affront Religion, 
 Who revenges it by flagellation ; 
 With many other curious cases. 
 Which you'll find in their proper places. 
 
 WE shall not here describe the wedding. 
 Nor even what occurr'd in bedding, 
 Though certainly the relation 
 Would much merriment occasion,
 
 60 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 Yet we greatly fear the world 
 
 Would think our writings far too bold. 
 
 And much we look for worldly praise. 
 
 Because 'twill give unto our lays 
 
 Repute, and cause such revolution 
 
 In our pecuniary constitution. 
 
 And fill us with such gay hopes, that 
 
 We shall forsake our lofty garret; 
 
 We are convinced our thoughts would soar 
 
 Much higher in a snug first floor. 
 
 Than in those elevated places 
 
 Unlik'd by muses or the graces ; 
 
 Their wings are clogged by filthy smoke. 
 
 Which must their passion oft provoke, 
 
 And when they get into a rage, 
 
 'Tis full time then to close the page. 
 
 For some time in contentment great. 
 Our pair liv'd in the nuptial state, -^' ^^'^ '
 
 THE CITIZEN. 61 
 
 But now iny lady pass'd her hours 
 In sighs for grots and shady bow'rs ; 
 She G:reatlv wish'd from town to i?o. 
 Far from the city and the Borough, 
 And with Sir Peter, in sweet groves. 
 To pass their time like two fond doves ; 
 She teaz'd the poor Cit every day. 
 Who tired out at last did say — 
 " You know full-well, my dearest life. 
 When I first woo'd you for my wife, 
 I then did my fond hopes express. 
 That you'd be Lady Mayoress ; 
 And my ambition, I declare. 
 Is to be chosen for Lord Mayor; 
 But if, my dearest tender spouse. 
 You do prefer a country house. 
 And silent groves, to all the state 
 Which I much hope does you await.
 
 62 THE CltlZEiSr. 
 
 I will give up my fond desire. 
 And do whatever you require." 
 
 With great delight my lady heard 
 Sir Peter utter the last word ; 
 And sending out a tender look. 
 From both her grey eyes thus she spoke ; 
 
 For this most kind concession 
 Unto my supplication, 
 I beg you will my thanks receive. 
 And also that you will believe 
 1 do not long for such high places. 
 Nor gaudy robes, nor glitt'ring maces. 
 In some sweet elegant retreat 
 I would the gentle muses greet. 
 Far from the uproar of a town. 
 Where vulgar cries our senses drown» 
 To where the frequent cawing rook. 
 And gentle rippling of the brook.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 63 
 
 And sheep bell, with its tinkling sound. 
 
 Diffuses harmony around; 
 
 To hear the huntsman wind his horn 
 
 That tells the sweet approach of morn. 
 
 While its silver sounds, with fond delay. 
 
 Appear on distant hills to stay, 
 
 And spread a pleasing calm around. 
 
 That never can in towns be found; 
 
 To see him coursing o'er the plain. 
 
 In eager hopes his prey to gain, 
 
 "While his fleet horse disdains to wait. 
 
 But flies impetuous o'er each gate; 
 
 And when the sun, with ardent bla;^e. 
 
 O'er the horizon sheds his rays. 
 
 Then, in close covert of a grove, 
 
 We'll fondly sit, and talk of love. 
 
 Or in a grotto's cool retreat, 
 
 AW41 pleas'd, we'll press the moss-grown seat;
 
 H THE CITIZEN. 
 
 And when the shadows tell the sun 
 
 His daily race has nearly done. 
 
 We'll watch the faint and trembling rays 
 
 Which on the highest hill yet stays. 
 
 And then the passing clouds admire. 
 
 Whose edges, tipp'd with glowing fire. 
 
 Cast o'er the scene a crimson light. 
 
 Which fades at grey approach of night. 
 
 And when the moon her silver beams 
 
 O'er silent nature beauteous gleams. 
 
 Then with Herchel's aid we'll try 
 
 The hills and valleys to descry. 
 
 With intent observation trace 
 
 The wonders in her pallid face ; 
 
 When the night breeze trembles on the leaves. 
 
 Or rustles midst the fuU-ear'd sheaves. 
 
 Then to our pallet we will hie. 
 
 Where sleep will close the wearied eye.
 
 THE CITiZF.N. ZS 
 
 Sir Knight stood staring all this while. 
 And knew not if to cry or smile, 
 lie thought his hidy v.as quite frantiCj 
 He knew so little of romantic j 
 Fur when the subject so admired 
 She'd got upon she never tir'd. 
 But would go on all night, till mornin*' 
 Of his approach did give her v.arningi 
 II<- tiiought it must be very line, 
 As he did not understand a line, 
 E\.ccpt when she of sheep-bells spoke on. 
 Immediately he thought of mutton. 
 And when the hunter's talc she drew, 
 A haunch of venison rose to viewj 
 J he re.?t to him was Greek or Dutch, 
 Tie understood it just as much 3 
 Peter thought, too, that if the goddess 
 V/as jnimJed to perform her promise, 
 I
 
 66 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 That she would do it just as soon 
 Whether he in country was or town ; 
 So no longer to make delay 
 Determin'd to set out next day. 
 And go upon the country road. 
 To try to find a snug abode. 
 
 No horse there was that he could straddle. 
 To lift his leg across the saddle. 
 So 'twas agreed, by Madam's side^ 
 In one-horse chaise our Knight should ridq. 
 
 The horse, unused to such a load, 
 Went very slow along the road, 
 And as they jogged on, from their stations 
 They made their several observations : 
 How countrified, how sweet the air. 
 Well, this is pleasant I declare : 
 Look, Dear Sir Peter, at those cows. 
 And that house with the poplar rows.
 
 THE CITIZEN. (?7 
 
 "What a sweet place! 'tis to let sure. 
 For there's a bill upon the door. 
 Enchanted vvith the place, Sir Knight 
 Survey'd the house with great delight, 
 x\nd quickly stopp'd the horse, that he 
 Further particulars might see. 
 Leaving the chaise, with sudden vault. 
 He on the trembling ground did halt. 
 And chuckling greatly with his might, 
 (First shook himself to see all's right,) 
 Then ambled up a little hill. 
 To try if he could read the bill. 
 And saw, as quick he conn'd it o'er, 
 
 1 his house to let, enquire next door. 
 Oh muse, I prithee aid me now. 
 
 And stick thy laurels on my brow. 
 
 That I may faithfully indite 
 
 The sad mischance that fell Sir Knight '
 
 68> THE GITIZEK. 
 
 The mound on which he now did stand,. 
 That he might better view command. 
 Had but ten days before been ta'en 
 From out of Cloacina's fane, *fjS 
 
 And Sol, with his all-potent rays, ' *f A 
 
 Had made the top like housewife's piesj 
 And as, on it his beams had shone 
 Ten days, the surface hard was grown : 
 Now when Sir Knight had ta'en his fiU 
 Of observation from this hill, 
 The sight so pleased his ugly eyes 
 As much as if he'd found a prize. 
 That in ^xtacy he jump'd Ground, 
 And sunk full three feet in the mound. 
 By which, up to his, very chin. 
 In stinking soil he was plung'd in; 
 Full loud he roar'd, with sj^d affright, 
 The liyrse se.t off ^^ith all his might.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 69 
 
 And Peter, worse than any hog, 
 I.a}' wallowing in the fiUhy bog. 
 
 Feeling soon the difference great 
 *Twecn his former and his present weight. 
 And scarcely minding now his load. 
 The horse ran furious o'er the road; 
 My lady's screams encreased his fright. 
 And made him swifter in his flight; 
 At length he came unto a gate. 
 And not much liking there to wait. 
 Jumped over with a furious bound. 
 And threw my lady on the ground. 
 Her cloaths flew up, and left quite bare 
 AVhat we 're too modest to declare. 
 
 In this droll state, as stunn'd she laid. 
 The grinning crowd observance made; 
 At last, when sated Avith the treat, 
 Tb^y help'd my ladv on her feet,
 
 id THE CITIZEN. 
 
 Her deaths fell down, and then discovered 
 Her head, which had by them been covered^ 
 Her hat was off, and her red hair. 
 Which was her pride and greatest care. 
 Had fallen in a large cow-dung 
 Which to those fiery ringlets clung. 
 And otogged up both her small grey eyes, 
 "Which soon were covered o'er with flies. 
 When the mob cleared the filth away. 
 And gave those orbs the light of d^y. 
 They roll'd about with such expression. 
 As gave to all around depression. 
 For never sure, to human being. 
 Was given such vehicles of seeing j 
 Had any famous eye-mender, 
 Qr e'en the great Dan Taylor seen her. 
 It would have quite surpassed his learnin;^^ ' 
 T' account for those organs of discerning.
 
 THE CITIZEN, 
 
 The mob, who swore she was a witch. 
 Wanted to throw her in the ditch. 
 For if she swam, then 'twould be clear 
 That they had proper cause for fear, 
 Ihit if she sunk beneath the water, 
 ' Tvvould prove they had mistaken the matter. 
 As when maids rotten eg^s discover. 
 They in the water plunge them over; 
 If to the bottom quick they sink, 
 Tis certain sign tliey're good, tiiey thinks 
 But if upon the top they stay, 
 -Vs bad, they then are thrown away. 
 
 While in debate their passions rose, 
 From betwixt her curling chin and nose 
 1 li'i lady opVl her lovely mouth, 
 .\ud of returning life gave proofs 
 S.)nie dismal sighs and words exprest, 
 T.iit^g'd from the bottom of her cheit.
 
 H^ THE CITIZEN. 
 
 And told her lamentable case 
 With such a rueful piteous face. 
 That e'en at last the mob agreed 
 To help her in her woeful need. 
 And to convey her to some house, 
 ^nd where she was to tell her spouse* 
 They took her to a neighb'ring inn. 
 For which she gave to them some gin* 
 And quite asham'd of being seen. 
 Longtime she tried herself to clean j 
 The filthy dung, from her red hair. 
 She then comb'd out with utmost care. 
 The flies kept buzzing round her face. 
 In vain she drove them from the place 5 
 They quick return'd, in no way daunted. 
 The dung was what they so much wanted. 
 She rubb'd and scrubb'd till she was tired. 
 To make her clean long time required.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 At length she accomplished the hard matter. 
 
 By frequent use of soap and water. 
 
 And then a man sent off to Peter, 
 
 To tell him where to come and meet her. 
 
 'Twas much against our own desire 
 We left Sir Peter in the mire. 
 But when a lady's in the case. 
 The gentlemen must sure give place. 
 
 When ihro' the crust his feet he put. 
 The inside smoak'd like pie when cut. 
 The stench had like to have been his death, 
 And much he labour'd for his breath; 
 He bellowed out with all his strength. 
 To make himself be heard; at length 
 Some workmen, who seeing his mischance. 
 Now quickly flew to his assistance. 
 And by the help of a long pole, 
 Dragg'd poor Sir Peter from hi« hole, 
 
 K
 
 74 THE' CITIZEN. 
 
 ■ fifw-ii^^i II nttMapm-im. 
 
 And with some trouble, safe and sound. 
 They laid his carcase on dry ground. 
 
 He had not yet his fright recovered, 
 Which by his gestures they discovered, 
 With his eyes shut, and hands expanded. 
 He still to swim about pretended ; 
 His nose, that erst so red appear'd. 
 Was now with filthy bog besmear'd ; 
 He flounced like salmon in a net. 
 And was become as black as jet. 
 His actions, look, and spluttering. 
 Set all who were around him laughing. 
 
 At length the men, to end the matter. 
 Got pails to wash him o'er with water. 
 They first his face clean'd well, that they 
 What kind of thing he was might see. 
 For certes before that-^no man 
 Could say if he was beast or human.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 7-5 
 
 And when they'd done it, some did wonder, 
 
 And thought that nature'd made a blunder; 
 
 His lieight, as he lay on the ground. 
 
 The wond'ring starers did astound. 
 
 They ne'er had seen so large a gut, 
 
 'Twas most like to a brewer's butt. 
 
 People who passed them by did ask, 
 
 AVhat they were doing with that cask. 
 
 But some who view'd him straight did say. 
 
 He was a Lusus Natura, 
 
 And with sagacious look they said. 
 
 He surely in the bog was bred. 
 
 And quick to Mr. Pidcock ran. 
 
 To ask him for a caravan. 
 
 And told him that his handsome eyes 
 
 They now would surely much surprize; 
 
 They'd such a monster got as never 
 
 la London'^s city was seen ever.
 
 76 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 So Pidcock ran as quick as dart. 
 To fetch it in his cover'd cart. 
 
 In the int'rim Peter op'd his eyes. 
 And looking crossways at the skies. 
 Survey 'd them with a surly look. 
 And thus with indignation spoke: 
 This sad mischance, my haughty lady, 
 I've got through your neglect to day. 
 You said, if right I did behave. 
 From every harm you would me save. 
 And twenty other things did promise. 
 For which I did bethank you Goddess, 
 And so immediately off hand 
 Some very proper taxes planned. 
 To aid your cause, and did declare. 
 That when I was made a Lord Mayor, 
 I would on the Minister attend. 
 And beg that he would be your friend;
 
 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 For which intent you should be thankful. 
 But I was wrong to think you grateful j 
 I've always read, but false I've conn'd. 
 Your word as good was as your bond. 
 I see a lawyer I must find. 
 To make you what you promise mind. 
 And to secure my own salvation. 
 Prepare a bond or obligation 5 
 In which, to ensure my safe reliance, 
 You, in default of non-compliance. 
 Shall forfeit certain sums of money. 
 To be paid to me my heedless honey; 
 To lose the cash you will be fearful. 
 And for the future be more careful. 
 
 Our Knight spoke all this out so loud. 
 That the dame, who on a coal black cloud 
 Did set astride, heard every word. 
 And dovvu she flew just like a bird.
 
 7$ THE CITIZEN, 
 
 Her anger 'gainst Sir Peter rose 
 
 To such a height, that she his no^e. 
 
 As dov^^n he lay, gave such a kick. 
 
 That with the anguish of the Uck 
 
 He started up upon his bums 
 
 The goddess cry'd, you wretch, I'm come. 
 
 Not to afford you any help 
 
 In your distress, you dirty whelp. 
 
 But, to give you such proper beating. 
 
 That you'll repent of me ill-treating^ 
 
 Then taking from her garments wide 
 A whip cut from a bull's tough hide. 
 She made it in the air to crack. 
 Then at Sir Peter's ample back. 
 Urged by her great and dreadful passion. 
 Long time with matchless strength she laid onj 
 And, without leave from judge or jury. 
 She Peter thrash'd with such a fury.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 79 
 
 That with the pain, upon his heel. 
 
 Sir Knight, like spinning-top, did wheel. 
 
 The crowd, who saw his nimble motion. 
 That he was mad, had now a notion. 
 The speech that he made to the skies, 
 Their weak ideas did much surprize; 
 The goddess they had not discovered, 
 'Cause by her cloud she still was covered, 
 Tiiey were afraid t' approach him near. 
 And as he moved his way kept clear. 
 And 'mongst themselves they did debate 
 To catch him 'fore it was too late; 
 So one, more cunning than the rest, 
 Tiiought tiiat to hamper him was best. 
 And cords prepared, by which to catch him, 
 Till people from St. Luke's did fetch him. 
 
 llic goddess all this time was flogging 
 Poor Peter, who for mercy begging;,
 
 80 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 With streaming eyes and contrite face. 
 And promises of future grace. 
 Made her at length her rage relent. 
 But not till all her strength was spent. 
 And when too tired to flog more. 
 She very kindly then gave o'er. 
 
 Poor Peter soon made observation. 
 When she had stopp'd his flagellation. 
 And as to thank her he turn'd quick. 
 Was caught by rope about his neck. 
 Another cord his thick legs bound. 
 And threw him flat upon the ground; 
 The crowd rush'd on him, and his hands 
 They soon confm'd in hempen bands ; 
 Dread fear then came in Peter's scull. 
 He roar'd and bellowed like a bull. 
 And finding all resistance vain. 
 Quite overcome with rage and pain.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 81 
 
 His ugly trunk emitted sighs. 
 
 And tears came forth his cross-grain'd eyes. 
 
 We hope the Reader's not so unkind 
 
 To eoneei\ e those sighs came from behind, 
 
 1 hey certainly came out his mouth, 
 
 Of which \VG can procure fidl proof, 
 
 PcrlKips one or two from forth his rear 
 
 Might come, but there we are not clear. 
 
 The (M'owd, who saw his doleful sadness, 
 Thought it a greater proof of madness, 
 Which takes each passion in its turn, 
 And rage and grief alternate burn^ 
 So, w ithout an\^ more dispute. 
 Swore they'd convey him to St. Li ke: 
 But the goddess, feeling for his v\ oes. 
 Bade him his passions to compose, 
 And to address the standers b\'. 
 And tliey'd release him presently. 
 
 I-
 
 82 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 Peter was thankful for the advice. 
 And thus addressed them in a trice. 
 Good people, I am mnch amazed. 
 That you should think that I am crazed. 
 The sad mischance that has occurred. 
 Has certainly my senses flurried. 
 And would it not provoke a stoic. 
 In such a dirty bog to stick? 
 I do declare I'm very sad. 
 To think you should cc«iceive me mad, 
 I'll be as quiet as a Iamb, 
 To prove I in my senses am. 
 And to release me, if you're willing, 
 I'll give to every man a shilling. 
 
 This last had such a good effect. 
 That they could not his suit reject. 
 And seeing he was not insane. 
 They quickly set him loose again,
 
 THE CITIZEN. S3 
 
 And Iielp'd him to get on his feet, 
 That he might give the promis'd treat. 
 
 Our Knight now reckon'd o'er their number. 
 That he might not make any blunder. 
 And endeavouring to suppress a groan. 
 Delivered to them one pound one. 
 They quickly then their own way went on. 
 And left Sir Knight with Dame Religion, 
 Some, meeting with the caravan. 
 Told them the monster was a man, 
 Altho' he look'dmore like a hog. 
 By being covered with the bog. 
 Pidcock went back, in mighty rage. 
 That he'd not got him in his cage ; 
 He hop'd to add to his collection, 
 Which certes was a good selection. 
 This very strange and curious creature. 
 So droll in every look and feature.
 
 84 Tir& CITIZEN. 
 
 Religion now, in long discourse. 
 In which she used some words of force, 
 Caution'd Sir Knight to mind his ways. 
 Or else she'd cut off half his days. 
 And if e'er he dar'd her to abuse. 
 Or her name with disrespect to use, 
 And if he did not give her reason 
 To think him sorry for his treason. 
 She'd quickly, for his daring evil, 
 Let him be roasted by the devil. 
 
 Poor Peter hung his great beef head. 
 With what he'd suffered was half dead. 
 He scarcely dar'd to lift his goggles. 
 Least they should meet her angry ogles; 
 He knew that he had been to blame. 
 And had got well thrash'd for the same. 
 And his poor back he thought was proof 
 That he had suffered quite enough; 
 
 j\
 
 THE CITIZEN. 85 
 
 And, besides his ducking in the bog, 
 Had been used worse than any hog; 
 lie knew he dared not to repine. 
 And so, in melanchoh^ whine. 
 Like scliool-boy whipt began his tale. 
 In wliich his faults he did bev.ajl; 
 But gloss'd them over with mueli enre, 
 That they might not so bad appear. 
 
 Some angry words I said, 'tis true, 
 But ma'am, they were not meant for you, 
 I only mourn'd my hapless luck, 
 AVhich me in nasty bog had stuck. 
 And spoilM my new coat, and my hose. 
 And tore in bits my nice small-cloaths; 
 If I'n e done wrong, I repent me sore. 
 And will not do so any more. 
 
 Iicligion at him sent a frown, 
 Which almost knock'd the poor Knight dow n.
 
 86 THE CITIZEN'. 
 
 I, prythee, Peter, stop thy breath. 
 Or else Fll flog thee soon to deatb. 
 In thy fine tale thou now art caught. 
 For well I know thy every thought. 
 To save your bones you'll tell a lie, 
 The very way to miike them fry ; 
 I heard each word that in thy passion 
 Thou, proper thought on me to vent on 
 You said that I should sign a bond, 
 As you'd not on my word depend. 
 And in default, that I should pay 
 Money to thee, thou dirty clay. 
 With twenty other things beside. 
 For which I've pepper'd well thy hide; 
 And will again, if you repentance 
 Don't quickly make for every sentence. 
 And here, by. dismal Styx, I swear, 
 ,You never shall be made Lord Mayor.
 
 tllE CltlZEN. S7 
 
 Peter, with eyes as big as platter, 
 Now found lie had niista'en the matter; 
 Her rage so sparkled in her eye. 
 That to his moutli his heart was nigh. 
 And fright had so convuls'd his pate. 
 For once he almost look'd quite 'straight. 
 Great goddess, said he, witli a low bow, 
 I am but mortal, as you well know. 
 And hope you'll give me absolution. 
 And from this time my resolution 
 Is made to obey with all my might. 
 By which I hope I will do right. 
 And trust I never shall agaiii 
 By disobediencxi give you paiu; 
 And now, upon my very knees. 
 Beg you your unger will appease. 
 
 The dame, who saw he Wiii coutritc. 
 Now eas'd him of his dreadful fright.
 
 88 THE CITIZEK. 
 
 She saw, if she did not end his woes. 
 
 That he would dirtyi^worse his small-cloaths. 
 
 As you have had some flagellation 
 I do forgive the provocation. 
 And hope, that for the future, you 
 Will every thing that's proper do. 
 And tho* you oft deceive in trade. 
 Yet unto me a promise made 
 Must be attended scnipulousl}'. 
 Or I'll revenge it furiously. 
 This said, the goddess took her flight 
 Astride her black cloud out of sight. 
 
 Sir Peter, casting round his eyes. 
 Found, to his very great surprize. 
 That horse and gig and wife were fled. 
 Which troubled much his ugly head. 
 And look'd about, in some hopes that ' 
 He tidings of them all might get, -
 
 THE CITIZEN. 89 
 
 And saw a man, whom he did know. 
 Who giggled as he made his bow. 
 And told him, to prevent alarm, 
 Tiiat his dear wife was safe from harm; 
 And then related all the tale, 
 ^Miith caused Sir Peter much bewail. 
 And lie requested his acquaintance 
 Mould carry unto her this sentence : 
 
 That in his present dirty state 
 He was not fit on her to wait. 
 But that he to the house would go, 
 Tlic cause of their most dismal woe. 
 
 No longer there the man then tarried. 
 But this message to the lady carried, 
 A\'iio, exerting her remaining strength, 
 y>hx him in the house at lene-th. 
 But when she saw his fdthy plight, 
 IJnd nearly fainted with aifright, 
 M
 
 90 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 With speed for cloaths to his house sent. 
 And then to view the mansion went. 
 Which so much pleased her that she prayed 
 She might the mistress soon be madej 
 His cloaths from London ^oon came down. 
 And in a coach they went to. town. 
 
 END OF THE THIRD CANTO.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 CANTO IV. 
 
 ARCl'MFAT. 
 
 We're sorry to inform our reader 
 
 ^ly Lady jjels into a fever, 
 
 A Doctor comes to ease her pain, 
 
 Who quickly sets her rit^Jit again; 
 
 On her improvements, and Lord \eWon, 
 
 !"li(> liolils a h'iuiied descantafion, 
 
 And Peter, with deli>;lit, agrees 
 
 To liu \vlialc\er she may please. 
 
 AS on tiicy travellVl oVr the roadj 
 lilt' lady said, that smig a])')de 
 Mas c'harm'd me so, that if your love 
 Von woiih] for me, yonr dear wife., prove.
 
 92 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 A purchase of it, for my sake. 
 Sir Peter you will quickly make; 
 I would adorn it with such skill 
 As should all eyes with envy fill. 
 
 Peter, who liked the place also. 
 Promised that every thing he'd do 
 For her which in his power lay. 
 And that he'd go there the next day; 
 When Peter, we're informed for certain, 
 Bought house and grounds at a great bargain^ 
 And people set to work, that they 
 The dirt and stench might clear away. 
 While thus employed, a message quick 
 Informed him that his wife was sick. 
 He therefore now returned to town. 
 Much sooner than he had come down. 
 
 Her fright had caused such revolution 
 In her corporeal constitution.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 95 
 
 Altho' at the time it had occurr'd 
 SJie bore it with much fortitude. 
 That a high fever the next day 
 ForcVl lier upon her bed to lay. 
 And that she might be dealt with truly. 
 She sent for famous Dr. Cowley, 
 
 The Doctor, ordering out his impliments, 
 "We mean his carriage, sent his compliments 
 Unto tlie lady by her servant. 
 And that of her request observant. 
 As sooiL as one could say Jack Rob 'son, 
 lie would at her street-door be set down. 
 And that he'd cin-e her present! v. 
 If 'twas not then her time to die. 
 
 And here we must put in a word, 
 And praise him of our own accord, 
 l-'or he possesses great disccrnin.GT) 
 Quite a proficient is in learnings
 
 gsi^ THE CITIZEK. 
 
 If you your case before him lay, 
 
 "What your complaint is he will say, 'k W 
 
 And that you may not pain endure. 
 
 Will write an order for your cure. 
 
 Which having taken in your fist. 
 
 You'll give it to the Doctor's druggist^ 
 
 Who affecting to be very wise. 
 
 Will con it o'er with both his eyei; 
 
 And then present you with a potion. 
 
 Either to give, or stop a motion. 
 
 To warm, or cool, or sleepy make. 
 
 Or perhaps to keep you quite awake 5 
 
 So that whatever'syour disorder. 
 
 He will reduce it soon to order ; 
 
 Whether your health or death do come. 
 
 Your case is cured, as sure as gun : 
 
 We'll now return from whence we came. 
 
 Begging your pardon for this same.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 95 
 
 The Doctor, faithful to his promise. 
 Was at her elbow in a trice, 
 He feh licr pulse, turn'd up his eyes. 
 Quite quick and fev'rish. Ma'am, he cries! 
 'Twerc [)roper that you should be bled; 
 This siud, he turn'd to see her head. 
 And straight was struck with mute surprize, 
 Not giving credit to his L^yes ; 
 Instead of a lace, what he saw 
 -\pp»iu''d to iiiin like crab's large claw. 
 Her eyes he had not yet discovered, 
 'Cause by her night-cap they were covered; 
 But from \\iv bed-c!oaths poked out 
 Her curling chin and fttarv'ling snout, 
 And from those features only, no man 
 Could ever s;'y slie was a woman; 
 He turn'd andlook'd, and turn'd again. 
 And -'p lite disorder'd was his brain.
 
 96 THE CITIZEN* 
 
 At last conceiving 'twas some joke. 
 
 His tongue he found, and thus he spoke? 
 
 You vainly think me to surprize, 
 
 An<l try to bother thus my eyes, 
 
 And as you make a jest of me, 
 
 I'll make you giye a double fee. 
 
 For loss of time, and insolence, 
 
 For which you can have no defence. 
 
 By sticking up that great crab's claw. 
 
 The largest sure I ever saw 3 
 
 It cannot be a human being 
 
 Those things belong to Fm now seeing,? 
 
 For never Hogarth, or Layater, 
 
 Did e'er make such a funny creature; 
 
 And, indeed, I certainly am dubious. 
 
 If e'er I saw a thing so curious; 
 
 But now, as here I cannot sta}^ 
 
 I'll thank you to shell out my pay.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 97 
 
 These words lie did direct to Peter, 
 AVlio knew not how to take the matter, 
 AVhcther lie should a challenge send, 
 IJiit little that, he thought would mendj 
 IJesidcs, he was afraid his bacon 
 Might by a bullet be o'ertaken, 
 He ?at the tip of chair upon. 
 And scarcely touch'd it with his bum. 
 His hands were placed on both his knees. 
 Which seemingly his position eased. 
 Me sat just like a silly fool, 
 Or if he busy was at stool. 
 
 At last, tho' much afraid of bullet. 
 These words he lugg'd from out his gullet ; 
 Doctor, I think, upon my life, 
 Tiial you do hardly use my wife. 
 She sent for you your skill to try 
 In piiysic, not physiognomy; 
 
 N
 
 9S THE CITIZEN*. 
 
 And, instead of giving her relief, 
 You*re trying to increase her grief. 
 By making such unkind grimaces. 
 And talking about ugly faces. 
 
 The Doctor quick towards him fac'd, 
 His back before was to him placed. 
 But when he saw his flaming nose, 
 So high his mirthful temper rose. 
 That in spite of all decorum. 
 He burst out in a laugh before 'em, 
 Altho* in different parts he'd been. 
 He ne'er had two such faces seen. 
 Poor Peter look'd as grave as judge, 
 Nor offered from his chair to budge ; 
 The lady silent lay in bed. 
 And seem'd too ill to mind what's said, 
 At length the Doctor thinking nature 
 Had given them both such awkward feature.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 99 
 
 And that there was not any jest 
 
 111 what he saw, but downright earnest ; 
 
 So seeing now how stood the matter. 
 
 He rather got into a flutter. 
 
 And quick got out of laughing clink, 
 
 For fear that he should lose the chink; 
 
 He saw that he did much offend. 
 
 And what he had done, tried to mend. 
 
 And make his peace, in any shape, 
 
 To get out of his ugly scrape; 
 
 So lugging out his ready wit, 
 
 (And he had great abundance of it,) 
 
 Looking at Peter, with a smile. 
 
 Said, I've been joking all this while; 
 
 I saw the lady was quite ill. 
 
 And 'tis part of my doctoring skill, 
 
 To endeavour to excite surprize. 
 
 The mind from lethargv to rise.
 
 100 THE CITIZEN* 
 
 And so I threw out a few tropes. 
 
 To try if I could give you hopes, :^.n .m^a.. 
 
 And some unmeaning gross abuse i 
 
 Is what I generally use; 
 
 Your lady now, I'm sure, is better, . 
 
 For which you certainly are my debtor; 
 
 What doctors do you know's forgiven. 
 
 For they are nothing but old women. 
 
 The Doctor saw he'd clench'd the matter, 
 
 Turn'd to the lady, look'd kind at her. 
 
 Agreed to every thing she said. 
 
 By which his peace securely made. 
 
 And having prescribed for her pain. 
 
 Promised to call next^ay again. 
 
 And glad to get away, indeed. 
 
 Off in his carriage drove with speed. 
 
 And there 'twas very mucli he laugh'd.^ 
 
 To think how he had smooth'd it off.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 101 
 
 ■ ■■ ' - ■ II. ■ ± 
 
 III a few days, my lady's fever 
 Most happily began to leave her. 
 And she was able to converse 
 With our Citizen about the house. 
 And listening did he stand, d'ye see. 
 Like sow beneath an apple-tree. 
 Staring with both his diverse eyes. 
 And open'd mouth, that caught the flies 3 
 He much admired all her antics. 
 When she was got in her romantics. 
 And wisli'd much that he short-hand wrote. 
 That he might note each speech she spoke^ 
 He did conceive them very fme. 
 Because they ended all in rhyme; 
 He thought tliat tliey were all her own. 
 And solely from her noddle come: 
 But here lie was as nuich deceived. 
 As in any thing he e'er ])elieved.
 
 102 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 For out of every book she read >1 'u iii 
 
 She something stole, and in her head. 
 As on a shelf, in order laid. 
 And frequent usage of them made. 
 And when that she was so inclin'd, 
 She*d let them out to tell her mind. 
 So that with gents, of no discerning. 
 She passed for lady of great learning. 
 
 She took SirTeter by the paw. 
 And fondly chuck'd his under-jaw; 
 Saying, dear Sir Knight, I do entreat 
 Tliat you will go unto our seat. 
 And there what I now tell you do. 
 And thankful I shall be to vou ; 
 L^t thro' the grounds a gentle stream. 
 Winding, its beauteous course be seen, 
 Its silent banks be deck'd with flow'rs. 
 Sweet evergreens, and lovely bow'rs^
 
 THE CITIZEN. 103 
 
 In which, when weary, we may rest, 
 
 In love, and sweet contentment, blest; 
 
 Each lone grot and lovely bower I'll grace 
 
 With the fabled deity of the place, 
 
 Upon a large and beauteous green 
 
 Shall fleet Diana's form be seen. 
 
 With sculptur'd hounds shall seeming ^rge 
 
 her way, 
 While, at a distance, flies her trembling preyj 
 riora, amidst a maze of lovely flowVs, 
 Shall make sweet display of her od'rous 
 
 povv'rs. 
 The gentle gales shall waft their incense wide. 
 And thro' the devious walks refreshing glide. 
 
 Sacred to love a lofty fane, 
 Of Parian-stone, without a stain, 
 With airy colonnades around, 
 Sliall rise majestic from the ground.
 
 JQ4 THE CITIZEN". 
 
 The statue of the conquering god, f^; (»[ 
 
 Who rules with unresistless rod, I 
 
 0*er captive hearts, that twined around, ; 
 
 With golden toils, are willing bound, niiW 
 
 And pleas'd to wear the glittering chain. 
 
 Ne'er wish for liberty again, 
 
 ^hali^ in the midst, on marble altar stand, 7 
 
 His lovely eyes concealed by silken band. 
 
 The reason that his ever potent darts 
 
 At randpm fly, and pierce unequal hearts ; 
 
 His mother, whom he does command. 
 
 Shall near his altar take her stand; 
 
 And Hymen, god of nuptial ties. 
 
 In sculptur'd stone to view shall rise. 
 
 In awful majesty, great Jove shall stand. 
 Mis forked lightniugs grasping in his hand. 
 And his hot thunderbolts prepar'd to kill 
 Th* ill-fated wretcli who disobeys his will;
 
 THE CITIZEN. 105 
 
 With his right foot he shall appear to stamp on 
 Oppression, murder, and Napoleon, 
 Fraud, black revenge, and dreadful cruelty. 
 In clanking irons, all shall fettered be. 
 
 Passing this scene, our wond'ring steps 
 shall stray 
 To where the nine shall seem to tune their 
 
 lay; 
 Led by Aj)ollo, at whose dulcet sounds 
 The graces shall a})pear to trip the grounds, 
 While Bftcchus shall, with gay and jovial crew. 
 Of reeling fiiuns and satyrs, close the view; 
 Mars, in his chariot, ready for the war. 
 Shall sternly seem the hostile foe to dare; 
 With trusty faalchion, glitt'ring by his side. 
 In the proud pomp of bloody war shall ride. 
 In darksome cave, where ne'er the light of day, 
 Orinoon'sbrightbeamstlieirglad'ningvisitpay, 
 
 O
 
 106 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 Whose horrid brow, with bla&ted ivy crown'd. 
 Shall spread a dread terrific glootii around ; 
 The wither 'd herbs shall shew the craggy road. 
 That awful leads to Pluto's dark abode; 
 There, on an ebon throne, in gloomy state. 
 Himself and Proserpine shall hold their seat. 
 
 Deck'd out in gay and glitt'ring pride. 
 On the smooth stream a gondola shall ride. 
 On the green bank an Indian fane 
 I'll dedicate to Nelson's name. 
 And weeping willows in the wave 
 Shall mournfully their branches lave, 
 There.I'll lament the hero's doom. 
 Too soon consign'd to silent tomb. 
 Nelson, the gallant chief, who died 
 His country's friend, his country's pride ! 
 The stream alone,with pleasing rippling sound. 
 Shall serve to break the sglemn silence roun^;
 
 THE CITIZEN. 1(^7 
 
 In this swe^t awfully sublime retreat 
 Sliiill weeping nereids and mermaids meet. 
 And Neptune, father of the restless waves,' 
 AViio.sc rolling surge our happy country laves. 
 Shall mourn, with tears unceasing,Nelson's fall. 
 And, on his shade, in pious orgies call; 
 For liim the tributary tear shall flow. 
 And grateful praise in each sad bosom glow; 
 Long will his name, in each true Briton's heart. 
 Be firmly rooted in tiie tend'rest part. 
 Sires, yet unborn, shall bless his glorious name, 
 And teach their sons to emulate his fame. 
 
 Fir'd with generous rage our chiefs shall rise. 
 And !)id tlieir thunders echo to the skies. 
 In ho})es that Nelson, from those blissful seats, 
 M'cll plcasM surveys Britannia's gallant fleets, 
 %Vitii ardor godlike to deserve his praise, 
 J*Jii;li in tiie air, the torch of war shall raise.
 
 108 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 With double force shall urge the glowing balU 
 To spread destruction on the hostile walls. 
 
 'No longer able Britons to withstand. 
 Pale fears and black despair, a ghastly band. 
 Shall urge them from our conqu'ring arms tQ 
 
 fly. 
 
 Or rashly daring 'neath their fofce shall die. 
 
 Hail, gallant chief, tho* now returned to 
 earth. 
 Yet future ages shall record thy worthy 
 Long as fond mem'ry keeps her wonted seat. 
 Till gratitude's warm pulse shall cease to beat. 
 Each pointing to his anguish'd breast we'll hear- 
 say, gallant Nelson lies entombed 4iere I 
 
 My lady now her long speech ended, 
 For which she much herself commesided^ 
 She had been plagued to learn each part. 
 Of which it WHS composed;, by heajft.
 
 THE CITIZEN. l09 
 
 And was quite tired with the length. 
 Which had exhausted all her strength; 
 Her illness too liad made her weak, 
 -^Vnd increased the yellow on her cheek. 
 
 Peter listened with attention 
 To every sentence she did mention. 
 And when she did so well descant on 
 The much-lamented gallant Nelson, 
 His ugly bowels 'gan to fret. 
 And in a great commotion get; 
 He niourn'd so much the gallant chief. 
 As would almost exceed belief, 
 'I o hi.s country he was well affected. 
 And loved each man who it protected. 
 So 'twas natural he should like most. 
 Nelson, who ever was the foremost 
 111 his country's cause, to brave 
 j jie battle, and the 'whelming wave.
 
 110 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 He lik'd th' improvements she had plann'd 
 So very well, that he off hand f'^ 
 
 Promised that her requests should be 
 Put into force immediately. 
 And having given thus his sanction. 
 Next day virent down unto the mansion; 
 And there, to make my lady quiet, -^Uii-^if. 
 He sent post-haste for Mr. Wyatt, 
 That he might take the thing in hand. 
 And do whatever she had plann'd; 
 Wyatt, who chanc'd to be in town. 
 Soon at the Knight's request came down> 
 And Peter, without any stay. 
 To that ingenious geut did say; 
 Dear Sir, I want to make my house 
 To please the fancies of my spouse. 
 Which she much wishes to resemble 
 A Chinese or an Indian temple.
 
 THE CITIZEN. Ill 
 
 She longs to have Arcadian streams. 
 
 And flower-pots, and evergreens, 
 
 Long walks, and groves, and Chinese bowVs, 
 
 And gods, and goddesses, and flow'rs. 
 
 And all the Heathen deities. 
 
 And whatever else that you may please ; 
 
 An altar I'll have made to love. 
 
 And another larger one to Jpve, 
 
 And I should like to have a stream. 
 
 Well filled with roach, and dace, and brean>j 
 
 Upon its bank a nice pagoda. 
 
 And on its waves a gondola; 
 
 And then my lady wants a litne. 
 
 Set up to Admiral Nelson's name. 
 
 In which each day she may lament 
 
 The hereto her heart's content; 
 
 And Neptune, with his swimming train. 
 
 Is to assij^i her in the same,
 
 112 tHE CITIZE-^. 
 
 And so, upon the silent lake, 
 A pretty concert they will make ; 
 All this I wish to have soon done. 
 That when she to her house does come. 
 She may begin immediately 
 With Neptune to lament and sigh. 
 And I shall like to see them at it ; 
 'Twill be a precious fine duett. 
 
 Wyatt to laughter was provok'd. 
 So much that he was almost choak'd. 
 And endeav'ring to hide his giggle. 
 Repeatedly on's chair did riggle. 
 Got up, and look'd the window out. 
 To see if it did rain or not. 
 He bothered almost was to death. 
 And wish'd the Knight would stop his breath; 
 And when the place surveyed he had. 
 He thought Sir Petei* must be mad.
 
 THE CITIZEX. 11; 
 
 And, indeed, his look and colloquation 
 Made it a matter of debation, 
 And having other things to do. 
 Than stuff like that to listen to. 
 He thus replied, first humm'd, then haw'd, 
 Sir Knight, I cannot, on my word, 
 Coneeive where you will find the places 
 To stuff the muses and the graces. 
 The stream alone that you have plann'd 
 A\'ouId take the best part of \-our land. 
 And there'll remain, or I've lost my sight. 
 Hardly room enough to fly a kite, 
 Tor from the house unto the gate-post. 
 Cannot exceed three acres at most. 
 And to effect what you've said o'er, 
 Would take at least twelve acres more; 
 The fane you mentioned, which your wife 
 Pocs wish to have, upon my life, 
 r
 
 114 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 I cannot say I comprehend 
 The thing at all, my worthy friend; 
 And as to AVindsor I must hie. 
 Where I have other fish to fry ; 
 Indeed, Sir Peter. I must erave 
 To give it o'er, then topk his leave. 
 Making his bow, and in ajiffy^ 
 Was seated in his one-horse wisky. 
 
 Sir Peter on his bottom sat. 
 Biting his fingers in a pet. 
 Since Wyatt had given it up he knew 
 No person that he could send unto; 
 He scratch'd his head, and walked about," 
 And teazcd his senses, to find out 
 What measure he must now pursue, 
 To ciTect the plans he had in view. 
 Of the heathen gods, excepting Cupid, 
 j^c nothing knew, altho' not stupid.
 
 THE CITIZEN. US. 
 
 For ho, who'd all his life been trading. 
 Ne'er met them in a bill of lading. 
 And no invoice, o'er which he'd squinted. 
 The smallest item of them hinted. 
 And if Cupid had not stuck liis dart 
 Into the middle of his heart. 
 He'd liave known the little god of love 
 Xo more than the other gents above. 
 
 Resolving now to learn them all. 
 He on a bookseller did call. 
 And without making any preface. 
 He laid before him thus his case; 
 Pray be so good, Sir, as to look 
 If in your shop you've got a book. 
 Which of the heathen deities. 
 Who live just over us in the skies. 
 Does give a proper information. 
 As to their history and station:
 
 ri6' THE Citizen. 
 
 ■« ' " ■' '' 
 
 The bookseller, who grinn'd a smile, 
 Was staring at him all this while. 
 And when he ended had his speech, ♦ ' 
 
 A book from off a shelf did reach. 
 Saying, this. Sir, is the very thing, 
 That will the knowledge to you briiig. 
 Which you a wish have to possess. 
 The price a crown is, and no less. 
 
 Peter took the book, but felt some twitches. 
 As he put his hand into his breeches. 
 And, with a sigh, laid slowly down 
 Upon the counter, a whole crown. 
 Then in his pocket put the book. 
 And longing much therein to look. 
 He hastened homewards, with all speed, 
 About the heathen gents to rea4» 
 Resolving when he did obtain 
 A proper knowledge of those sajne.
 
 THE CITLZEN. 171. 
 
 He would himself, from his own mind. 
 Do what his lady had designed. 
 And, without the aid of architect. 
 Would try her plans himself to effect. 
 
 EM) OF THE FOURTH CANTO.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 (WXTO V. 
 
 .AUG I'M EXT. 
 
 I'cter, in curious dcscxuitation, 
 T\\c IJ 'atlicn Deities comments on; 
 'lluir jyiirney to Sir Knight from to^^Ti, 
 Js, witli great carclulness, set down 5 
 The niaj.iier he aciorned the house 
 Is lieie de-crihcd to \ou of course, 
 And wliicli he does in such odd fasliion, 
 A-i j)i!fs my hidy in a passion ; 
 Hcli^ion, comfort g!\es to I'efer, 
 And this the end is of our metre. 
 
 Slll PETER read, Avitli intent stufir. 
 Through th(,- Heathen Mytholoi^v-, 
 And just rctaiiied enough to know 
 Jupiter's wife wa.s call'd Juno,
 
 Il^ THE CITIZEN. 
 
 That Mercurv-was an arrant thief. 
 And Mars of fighting was the chief; 
 He wish'd we had him in our pay. 
 He would the Frer^ch by thousands slay. 
 And that the desp'rate fighting cock 
 Was aid-de-camp to the Duke of York ; 
 Venus he thought an arrant wh — e. 
 With twenty other ladies more. 
 That Apollo was a charioteer 
 Did to him very plain appear. 
 And while the lawyers are away. 
 You'll in Bdnd Street see such every day. 
 But as they sometimes get in debt. 
 When term begins their sun is set. 
 Apollo lives with so much grac^ 
 That he can always shew his face ; 
 Sometimes for brother whips he'll pine. 
 And in November scarcely shine.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 121 
 
 He lik'd to read of honest Vulcan> 
 And wished he'd such a useful man. 
 But Bacchus was his chief delight, 
 He read of him both noon and night; 
 He thought he must have been most blest^ 
 To drink so much with such a zest. 
 And where the book spoke of his graces> 
 Was dirtier than other places. 
 
 He knew no more of the tuneful niriej 
 Than converse of a grunting swine. 
 He liked the graces well enough, 
 But Plutus more, 'cause he'd the stuff 
 And, in his mind, he did him rank 
 Next to the cashier of the Bank. 
 
 Pluto, and Proserpine, and the flood 
 Called Styx, did nearly freeze his blood. 
 He only read about them once. 
 But ne'er could drive them from his sconce, 
 
 Q
 
 122 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 He much afraid was lest his mutton 
 Might broiled be upon their gridiron. 
 
 Neptune, the green clad god, whose portion 
 Was to be king of the great ocean, 
 He lik'd much, 'cause his mighty flood 
 Like wall around Great Britain stood. 
 And he would oft, with pleasure, cry 
 That he was England's best ally. 
 The only bne who faithful proved. 
 And never from his friendship rov'd. 
 And, unlike other powers hard by. 
 Never apply'd for subsidy. 
 Leaving us in mighty dudgeon. 
 For loss of so much bullion. 
 And 'cause we do their tales believe, 
 Those gents laugh at us in their sleeve. 
 
 Alinerva, famed in the skies 
 For being virtuous and wisC;,
 
 THE CITIZEN. 123 
 
 He wished would leave her lofty station. 
 
 And pay a visit to our nation; 
 
 And that when down, she might be sent, 
 
 To attend the house of Parliament, 
 
 He thought 'twould greatly serve these states 
 
 If she'd assist at the debates. 
 
 Which she would bring to a conclusion. 
 
 And keep the houses from confusion ; 
 
 He was convinced, that she would 
 
 Do great things for the public good. 
 
 As she a judge was, of things martial. 
 
 In all her actions quite impartial. 
 
 And like our heaven-born minister. 
 
 Never was led by motives sinister. 
 
 Sir Knight now thought he knew sufficient, 
 And was become a great proficient. 
 In the history of the Deities, 
 Who govern both the earth and seas,
 
 124 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 And as he'd got such store of sense, 
 Pesolved his improvements to commence. 
 So went unto a statuary. 
 Who liv'd not far from Lane Rosemary, 
 And begg'd he would, out of his nobs 
 Of stone, produce some heathen gods j 
 Taking a paper from his small-ploaths 
 Said, all their names tp you I'll disclose. 
 Their characters, aiid their grimaces. 
 That you may cut put right their faces, 
 I hope yqu will not make delay. 
 But work at them both night and day. 
 The mason, making low obeisance, 
 Promis'd his faithful acquiescence,, 
 Jle seem'd for some time to reflect. 
 Then said, if you don't, Sir, object, 
 I can get some of thefa ready-madt 
 From a relation in the trade.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 12^ 
 
 The rest, if I'm not made a ghost. 
 You'll have in a fortnight at the most! 
 
 Sir Knight, consenting to this plan. 
 Went back unto his house again, 
 With many workmen, to effect 
 The mighty plans he did project. 
 
 When the fortnight was pass'd o'er, then he 
 Pid go unto the statuary. 
 And scarce in's shop had got his head. 
 When to the sculptor thus he said. 
 Fray, Sir, are all my statues done ? 
 Yes, please your honor, every onej 
 Then pack them up, and send them down 
 To my retreat, two miles from town^ 
 
 With bow submissive to the ground. 
 The sculptor said, a cart I've found, 
 Which will convey the deities 
 To any place that you may please.
 
 
 126 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 ■'■ " I I . I i l il l l ji J I I ni l 
 
 As soon as I do see the sun 
 Upon my neighbour's chimney shine. 
 That is, as soon as e*er next morning 
 Of the approaching day gives warning, 
 I'll send them down unto your mansion. 
 And hope they'll meet your approbation j 
 Contented, then. Sir Knight did pop 
 His head out of the chisseler's shop. 
 
 To see, 'twould break each feeling heart. 
 How the gods were jumbled in the cart. 
 Pan, or some such ugly genus. 
 By accident was thrown on Venus j 
 And chaste Diana, pretty maid. 
 At the bottom of the cart was laid. 
 And, oh! most infamous dishonor. 
 One half the gods were laid upon her 5 
 
 reat Jupiter, upon my life, 
 Strangfe accident, was near his wifel
 
 THE CITIZEN. If? 
 
 And Juno's face in contact come. 
 Oh, cruel fate, with Neptune's bum ; 
 Mercury, with his caduceus, 
 Was laid just by the side of Plutus, 
 And fearful seem'd the god of riches. 
 Lest he should steal from out his breeches. 
 His stock of money and bank-notes. 
 On which 'tis said he greatly doats ! 
 
 Bacchus, who had lost all his grace. 
 Was squatted on Minerva's face. 
 He certainly deserv'd a flogging, 
 For his stone bottom, with the jogging. 
 Had nearly wore off all her nose, 
 And what gives us much pain to disclose. 
 She look'd as if amongst the French 
 She'd been, her amorous flames to quench, 
 And had caught the pi ague, that's cur'dthey saj|PI 
 By Leake's pilula salutaria.
 
 12S THE CITIZEN. 
 
 Which appears to be from heaven sent. 
 According to the advertisement. 
 And quickly cures, without a scar. 
 The sad effects of amorous war ; 
 But we will swear to clear her fame. 
 She ne^er was guilty of that game. 
 For Bacchus the vile thing had done 
 By frequent friction of his bum. 
 
 Fierce Mars, and Vulcan, with his hammef. 
 Lay on poor Flora, and so jamm'd her. 
 That, with great pity be it spoken, 
 Her tender back was nearly broken. 
 For on the lady these two gem'men 
 Reclin'd, as dead as any salmon. 
 And long she will that journey ruej 
 For her dear leg was broke in two ; 
 Hovve'er, the man, to ease her pain, 
 "With putty stuck it on again.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 129 
 
 The fauns and satyrs had the graces 
 Fast lock'd up in their vile embraces. 
 And had they not been made of stone 
 Some wicked things had sure been done. 
 And nine months after, or we'd wonder. 
 They would have added to their number. 
 
 Cupid, who lay at the top of all. 
 Did from his elevated station fall. 
 And before the man could him' discover. 
 Was most unfortunately run over. 
 But here his hard composition 
 Gave him the means of opposition. 
 For from the wheel he ne'er did flinch. 
 And would not yield a single inch, 
 So, by this stubbornness on his part. 
 He almost overturn'd the cart; 
 At length, from off the dirty road, . 
 They pick'd him up, bcgrim'd with mud.
 
 1350 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 m^ 
 
 The tuneful nine, with Dan Apollo, 
 In three large wheelbarrows did follow. 
 And as they journey'd on the road, 
 A hollow rumbling noise they made. 
 With breaking wind they surely never 
 Could make such din, it was the barrow 
 Which made the melancholy sound. 
 As it proceeded o'er the ground. 
 
 Sir Peter now, with great delight. 
 Beheld these vehicles in sight. 
 And with internal exultation 
 Assign 'd each deity its station. 
 
 We now, as in duty bound, of course 
 Will shew how Sir Knight adorn'd his house: 
 The outside he stuck with scallop shells. 
 And hung the roof with Chinese bellsj 
 
 nd when the wind was high, each bell 
 Sent forth a dismal funeral knell.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 131 
 
 Two Eolian harps, with solemn moans, 
 Eucreased these melancholy tones. 
 So that the place seem'd quite design'd 
 To put a man out of his mind. 
 The doors and windows all were gothic. 
 Which made it seem the more fantastic. 
 And as ridic'lous look'd the place, 
 As judge's wig on monkey's face. 
 
 A pond, choak'd up with filth and mud. 
 Close by the curious mansion stood; 
 Neptune, who was with trident grac'd. 
 In the middle of this bog he plac'd. 
 And, instead of a fine gondola. 
 He'd bought a punt from a carpenter. 
 
 A little house upon its bank 
 He with the name offaue did rank, 
 (Tlio' at a distance, to the simple. 
 If look'd like Cloacina's temple)
 
 132 THE CITIZEN". 
 
 In which his wife, to her dismal grief. 
 By sighs and tears might give relief. 
 And Neptune always ready stood. 
 Up to his middle in the mud. 
 To assist her with his lamentation. 
 For loss of his belov'd relation. 
 
 A lion's mouth pour'd in a ewer 
 The contents of the common sewer. 
 And by the walls the filthy stream. 
 Winding its stinking course, was seenj 
 A bridge, full twelve feet long, did stride 
 Over this rivulet two feet wide^ 
 Bacchus was stuck upon a puncheon. 
 In which rain water used to run in ; 
 And Flora, far from ev'ry flow'r, 
 Look'd dismally in poplar bow'r. 
 
 The muses form'd a motley band. 
 Like ballad -singers in the Strand;
 
 THE CITIZEN. 133 
 
 And Apollo, more like dust-ho man, 
 
 Appear'd to bellow in the van; 
 
 The statuary made the graces 
 
 With most infernal ugly faces. 
 
 And more like were they to furies. 
 
 Than to those sweet darling beauties. 
 
 Gay Venus, in a nook, did sigh. 
 
 With nobody but Vulcan by. 
 
 And much she curs'd her cruel luck 
 
 For being near her husband stuck. 
 
 She loved Sir Mars with all her heart. 
 
 And was loath from his broad back to part. 
 
 And to exchange that dashing lover 
 
 For her old blacksmith much did grieve her; 
 
 Sweet chaste Diana's form was seen 
 
 Laying with Pint us, on the green ; 
 
 We hope he had not brib'd the dame 
 
 To give consent unto that same.
 
 134 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 ■ ' ' ■ — 
 
 And that the goddess, chaste and nice. 
 
 Had not, like others, got her price j 
 
 Pluto and Proserpine shew'd the road 
 
 That led to Cloacina's abode; 
 
 And Caducean Mercury 
 
 From top of privy seem'd to fly; 
 
 The god of war did furious look. 
 
 As if he curs'd whene'er he spoke ; 
 
 'Tis strange he did not Sir Knight swallow. 
 
 For sticking him in a wheelbarrow ; 
 
 Poor Peter had no other carriage. 
 
 So plac'd him there without demurrage ; 
 
 Young Cupid, who look'd like a hog. 
 
 Was shooting at Diana's dog. 
 
 Great Jupiter, amid a throng 
 Of fauns and satyrs, danc'd along ; 
 Oh ! had his godship had but breath. 
 Sir Peter would have met his death.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 135 
 
 His bolts would soon have spoil'd thy joking. 
 And sent thee to old Charon smoaking. 
 Then would thy nose, oh hapless wight! 
 Have added to the blazing liglit -, 
 And who, indeed, is there could wonder 
 When thus he us'd the god of thunder ? 
 To place him joining in a dance. 
 With such dctcrmin'd nonchalance. 
 As if his kingship mixed with hunters. 
 And drunken dogs, and nasty hunters. 
 Th€ haughty Juno, his proud mate. 
 Was stuck up just beside the gate. 
 And very strange it is to tell. 
 In her fair hand she held a bell. 
 Which those, who to enter had desire. 
 First rung at by the help of wire; 
 Sir Peter had so little love 
 For tlie bister and the wife of Jove,
 
 136 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 And not respecting such relation. 
 He gave to her this lowly station. 
 So that the passionate dame at most 
 Was no more better than a bell-post 
 
 My gentle readers now must know 
 Sir Peter was a virtuoso. 
 He'd of antiquities great piles. 
 Bought from the maker in St. Giles, 
 And had, like parrot, learnt by rote 
 The names of ancient men of note ; 
 His friends could scarcely stand the bore 
 Of looking all his medals o'er. 
 And he was forc'd to use his orat'ry, 
 To bring them into his reposit'ry, 
 "Where he, with face quite grave and long. 
 His dirty coppers would descant on. 
 But if you ask'd for his digestion. 
 Even the most common question.
 
 THE CITIZEN. 13? 
 
 ^- ■ ■ ■ ■ — 
 
 It put him so out of his way, 
 He forgot all he had to say. 
 And was oblig'd to travel o'er 
 The whole that he had said before, 
 Which did occasion mighty fuss. 
 His story generally run thus : — 
 This is a Nero, that's Vespasian, 
 And this, I really think's a Gratian, 
 This is a Caesar, Rome's great darling. 
 And this you see's a Queen Ann's farthing > 
 This antique vase, so very curious. 
 Was us'd by th' Emperor Tiberius; 
 And this is the fork that does belong 
 To the knife that Marg'ret Nicholson 
 Did make attempt to slay our king, 
 And misery to the nation bring; 
 This little crooked bit of copper 
 Was QuL-en Bess's tobacco-stopper; 
 s
 
 } : 
 
 138 THE CITIZEN, 
 
 And out of this old brazen cup, 
 His grog, Darius, us'd to sup ; 
 And from that gentleman was won 
 By the great king of Macedon ! 
 
 Thus he'd continue the whole morning. 
 Until of dinner he'd got warnjing. 
 Then, tho' in the middle of his tale. 
 His memory would directly fail; 
 And straight of cramming he'd be thinking, 
 And of the great delight of drinking. 
 He now sent to hrs house in town. 
 To have these precious things brought down. 
 And in a room, with utmost care. 
 Dispos'd of his antiques so rare. 
 ' Thus Peter settled to his mind 
 The many plans his wife design'd. 
 And was of this, his mighty work. 
 Become as proud as any Turk,
 
 THE CITIZEN. 139 
 
 He every morning took his rounds 
 About his curious-fashion'd grounds. 
 Would stop and look at every god. 
 Or pass them with familiar nod. 
 All trade forgot, his country house, 
 Was now become his hobby horse. 
 And he waited, with much expectation. 
 For his wife to make her visitation; 
 He often grinn'd to think how she 
 Would at his efforts pleased be. 
 And that she'd surely in a trice 
 Conceive the place a paradise. 
 And praise him to the highest clouds. 
 For his attention to her words -, 
 He anticipated her fond caresses. 
 With certain other little blisses,' 
 As tokens of her gratitude. 
 Which gave him much beatitude.
 
 140 THE CITIZiEN. 
 
 T 'i; r sBB 
 
 My lady now at length 4iscover'd 
 That of her illness she'd recover'd. 
 And to the mansion down she come, 
 To see what 'twas Sir Knight had done ; 
 Peter, who saw her in the coach. 
 Now quickly hastened his approach. 
 He help'd her out and said. My dear, 
 I am right glad to see you here, 
 I long have waited for this pleasure. 
 Which I esteem above all measure ; 
 Long time I've wisl\'d that you would come 
 To look at what for you I've done. 
 For which I hope, with much submission. 
 To receive your full approbation. 
 For, with a very few exceptions, 
 I've foUow'd closely your directions. 
 
 My lady made a gracious grin, 
 Between her starv'ling nose and chin,
 
 THE CITIZEN. 141 
 
 And said, with great complacency. 
 Your labors I much long to see. 
 Your kind attentions greatly prove 
 How very much you do me love. 
 And in a husband I'm most blest. 
 Who obeys so strictly my request. 
 Peter, enraptur'd, took her hand. 
 And led her on to view the land. 
 But naturally he first, of course. 
 Requested she would see the house. 
 And chuckling greatly at his sense. 
 Did thus his colloquy commence : 
 My fancy in the house, my love, 
 I little <loubt you will approve. 
 Those bell§, whene'er the wind is high. 
 Produce delicious harmony. 
 And, according unto your desires, 
 I have got two Eolian lyres.
 
 142 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 So that whenever blows the wind. 
 
 We'll have a concert to our mind ; 
 
 And this, my dear, is Nelson's fane. 
 
 And when you wish your grief to tame, 
 
 Neptune, who there stands in the water. 
 
 Will assist you in that weighty matter 3 
 
 And as you wish'd a gondola, 
 
 I've bought one from my carpenter j 
 
 The gods I have got nearly all. 
 
 And o'er their names to you I'll call ; — - 
 
 He that you see plac'd in the barrow 
 
 Is Mars, the famous warrior. 
 
 To see him thus does griere my heart. 
 
 But soon I hope to get his cart; 
 
 Pluto and Proserpine are just by. 
 
 And Mercury is on the privy; 
 
 Juno I've. stuck against the gate. 
 
 Because the jealous dame 1 hate;
 
 THE CITIZEN. 143 
 
 Bacchus, with whom I have no quarrel, 
 I've placed upon that water-barrel. 
 And for the sake of the Jack o'dandv, 
 I wish 'twas full of cogniac brandy; 
 As Jupiter's of a surly mood, 
 I thought a dance might do him good. 
 And with that merry jovial throng 
 Of satyrs, he does prance along ; 
 Plutus I've plac'd by Dian's side, - 
 In hopes he'd got her for his bride ; 
 And Flora, by a poplar tree. 
 Is standing up, as you may see ; 
 Cupid, who both you and I know. 
 Is playing with his potent bow. 
 And trying to kill Dian's dog. 
 For which I hope she will him flog. 
 
 Having thus shewn her his improvements. 
 He now did wait to hear her comments.
 
 144 THE citizEisr. 
 
 And> confident of being prais'd. 
 Elate with pride, his head upraised. 
 My lady view'd his plans absurd. 
 And was so mad that not one word 
 For long time from her mouth came forth -, 
 At length she vented thus her wratlv — 
 I never in my life did see. 
 Sir Peter, such an ass as thee ; 
 Ah, woe is me, unhappy wife. 
 With such a man to pass my life^ 
 III did it with my learning suit. 
 To connect myself with such a brute ; 
 The house, the pfoof of your great folly. 
 Would make an angel melancholy. 
 In what way*s this you've built the fane. 
 To commemorate brave Nelson's name. 
 It's scarcely fit, you ugly wretch. 
 To be a lodging for Jack Ketch j
 
 THE CITIZEN. 145 
 
 How dar'd you, in that dirtj puddle, 
 The ocean's governor to muddle j 
 And doth it not your senses harrow 
 To stick great Alars in a wheelbarrow. 
 And place the god whose thunders roll 
 And shake the welkin -and each pole. 
 In the middle of those dirty devils. 
 As if he e'er joined in their revels? 
 Monster ! you've done all this, I see. 
 In hopes to make a fool of me; 
 Her grey eyes then to heaven she sent. 
 And this petition did invent: 
 
 Yo deities of earth and skies, 
 Avert, I pray, jour angry eyes, 
 Heap not on me your dreadful ire, 
 let but the guilty wretch expire. 
 Involve me not in his offence, 
 \Vho no'w declare my innocence, 
 
 T
 
 146 THE CITIZEN. 
 
 And this my firm resolve, believe, 
 That never in yon house I'll live. 
 But rather pine, 'midst dirt and smoke. 
 Than thus your anger to provoke ! 
 
 This having said, the angry dame 
 WYJel'd off the very way she came. 
 Without e'er looking at Poor Peter, 
 Who at her star'd as if he'd eat her. 
 
 Sir Knight, who look'd for other treatment. 
 Little expected such a grievement. 
 For a long time he thought his senses 
 Had fail'd in their intelligences. 
 And once or twice, 'tis said, he tried 
 To find out if his ears had lied. 
 But what he spoke, his faithful ear 
 Return'd to him in accents clear. 
 So, seeing there was no mistake. 
 His mind to grief he did betake.
 
 THE CITI2EN. 147 
 
 Why did I ever leave my till. 
 And all the charms of Fish-street-hill, 
 And why did I indulge my spouse 
 In her wish for a country house; 
 How did it hap, Sir Peter, you 
 So ridic'lous a thing could do ? 
 Indeed, I now% when 'tis too late. 
 Bewail my kindness to my mate. 
 But after all this vast expence. 
 For which I much reprove my sense, 
 "When I'd adorn'd, with so much art, 
 Tlie house, and every other part, 
 So that the place seem'd just as nice 
 As was Dan Adam's paradise; 
 Thus to be rail'd at by mv wife 
 Is very hard, upon my life; 
 Besides, to shew her vengeful furv. 
 She has set all the gods against mc.
 
 t4§ THE CITIZEN. 
 
 And not even dreaming of forgiving. 
 
 Has sworn she ne'er the house would live in; 
 
 So that the only thing that's now 
 
 Left, for unhappy me to do. 
 
 Is to send for Mister Christie, 
 
 To sell the place immediately. 
 
 And as I bought it very cheap, 
 
 I think I shall some profit reap. 
 
 Which, perhaps, will me indemnify 
 
 For the grief I shall endure thereby ; 
 
 I'll then resume my trade once more. 
 
 And honestly encrease my store. 
 
 And that I may die happily. 
 
 Religion, I will think on thee ! 
 
 Peter now felt his squinting sight 
 Oppressed with a blazing light. 
 And, as he turn'd about, he found 
 The dame arriv'd upon the ground ;
 
 THE CITIZEN, li^ 
 
 She kindly gazed upon Sir Kiiight, 
 Snying, Peter, now at last you're rigbtt. 
 And as I vour resolves commend, 
 I will in future st^ind your frieud; 
 Altho' you have your fortune made. 
 Yet if 3'our wish is still to trade, 
 Tiiis lesson from Religion take, 
 ^Vhich ever happy will you make; 
 Bl' liberal in all your dealings. 
 And never lo.^e your tender feelings. 
 But always with compassion treat 
 Th' unfortunate who'rc in your debt. 
 Tills precious maxim keep in view. 
 Do unto all as you'd be done to ; 
 Be constant iji \'our ftTvent pravers. 
 And far from you I'll drive ail cares; 
 \<nu- wife, as formerly, shall be 
 'V kiiid (()!!!; Ninio)) unto tjjoc -,
 
 150 THE CITIZEN* 
 
 Her romantic whims shall pass away. 
 And contented she'U in London stay. 
 
 The lady to the skies then went. 
 Leaving Sir Knight in great content. 
 Who, free from all domestic strife. 
 Long time liv'd happy with his wife.
 
 NELSON'S GHOST; 
 
 A FOEM. 
 
 IN TAVO PARTS.
 
 NELSON'S GHOST. 
 
 PART I. 
 
 DARKNESS had now long time unfurl'd. 
 Her sable flag o'er half the world, 
 And sleep her influence had shed 
 O'er many a gay contented headj 
 For sweet repose the happy take. 
 While misery doth lye awake,
 
 nelson's ghost. 
 
 And through the night's dull lengthen'd round. 
 With aching eyes is sleepless found. 
 Now neither did the moon or star 
 Appear to glad the hemisphere. 
 The lamps no longer now burnt bright. 
 But only cast a glimmVing light. 
 And watchmen, with their snores profound. 
 Broke on the solemn silence round, 
 When I, with mundane cares disturb 'd. 
 Was passing through St. Paul's Church-yard j, 
 When lo ! before my fear-struck eyes, 
 I saw the ghost of Nelson rise ; 
 Mournfully look'd the gallant chief. 
 While deep drawn sighs betray'd his grief 
 Great shade, I said, why dost thou come 
 From forth the cearments of thy tomb. 
 And thus, in the dull gloom of night. 
 Appear before my wond'ring sights
 
 kelson's ghost. 
 
 Say, has there been the least neglect. 
 
 Or was ought wanting of respect. 
 
 In what the nation did, to prove 
 
 How well you had deserv'd their love. 
 
 Who, on your sad funereal bier, 
 
 Pour'd many a grateful heartfelt tear. 
 
 And with each other vied to shew 
 
 How much their breasts were fraught with 
 
 woe ; 
 Speak then, great shade, declare thy will. 
 Which I'll endeavour to fulfill. 
 
 In mournful, slow, and solemn tone. 
 And trying to suppress a groan. 
 The shade did thus to me reply, 
 Mark well the cause for which I sigh. 
 For which I nightly haunt my tomb. 
 Whose silent solitary womb 
 My cold and mould'ring remains. 
 In grand and costly state, contains, •
 
 5 IsELSON'S ghost: 
 
 My country's gratitude I own, 
 For my services was clearly shewn. 
 Who, with all solemn pageantries, 
 Perform'd my last sad obsequies; 
 In that they sfiew'd their high respect, 
 Bnt what I wish them to correct. 
 Is that a mercenary crew 
 Expose my lonely tomb to view. 
 And, by the thirst of gain misled. 
 Invade the quiet of the dead; 
 And he who in his country's cause. 
 Fought to protect its rights and laws. 
 And in the glorious conflict fell ; 
 O dire disgrace! and shame to tell, 
 Serves> by a lucre-seeking throng. 
 To make a show of when he's gone. 
 Who crowds admit the live-long day. 
 To view the place in which I lay.
 
 Vt'c 
 
 NELSON S GHOST. 
 
 This is the cause that makes me roam 
 Nightly around yon lofty dome, 
 And which, alas ! I still shall do. 
 If not deliver'd from my woe; 
 Mortal, attend to my behest. 
 Think that 'tis Nelson's last request ; 
 So shall great store of happiness 
 Await your future life to bless. 
 
 Thus spoke the shade, and thus did I 
 Unto the visionary form reply, 
 Alas ! brave chief, I pray you shew 
 In what way I can end you woe. 
 Whether by force or argument 
 Your daily wrongs I shall resent ; 
 Weak though I am, to give you ease 
 I'll strive to do what'ere you please i 
 You, gallant warrior, now do know 
 Past, present, and the future too;
 
 nelson's ghost. 
 
 Since that your coporeal form 
 Has ceas'd your virtuous mind to adorns 
 So well you know on Spain's hot coast 
 % both my health and fortune lost j 
 And now, to, England's clime retnrnefjy 
 And by capricious Fortune spurn 'd,; 
 And doom'd my we^ry days, alas 1 
 In anxious cares and grief to pass; 
 Inform me, then, illustrious sliade. 
 How that I cap your wishes aid. 
 
 FuUwell I know, thou luckless youtli. 
 The words thou speakest are th,e truth ; 
 "With air compassionate replied 
 The airy form, and sadly sigh'd; 
 Trust in that power who from the skies 
 Surveys this orb with watchful eyes. 
 On him, a sure protection, lean> 
 And piously thyself demean;
 
 nelson's ghost. 9 
 
 So shall he ease thy weighty grief, 
 And to thy wants afford relief; 
 Now listen to my words, that thou 
 May know hereafter what to do ; 
 As soon as e'er thou art at home. 
 Note this our conversation down. 
 Then let the world acquainted be. 
 With what thou now dost hear and see. 
 And that my spirit restless roams. 
 Around these consecrated domes ; 
 Till that my tomb, from curious eye. 
 Is kept in constant privacy. 
 And not thus made a thing for shew. 
 By a rapacious dark-rob'd crew. 
 
 O gallant chief! I then return'd. 
 To state thy wrongs I long have burn'd. 
 But how shall I attempt to write, 
 Or urge my pen's poetic flight, 
 
 B
 
 10 nelson's GHOSt. 
 
 Unless some muse would be my friend, 
 And on me, while I write, attend; 
 Oh that I had a Pindar's fire, 
 I'd soon perform what you desire. 
 And those who vex your sad remains. 
 Should soon repent their greedy gains. 
 And unto the laborious poor 
 Should forfeit all their ill-got store. 
 
 Fear not, replied the illustrious ghost, 
 Even if all the critic host 
 Should rise in arms against thy rhyme, 
 My name shall sanction thy design; 
 But soft ! the morning breeze I smell. 
 And I must bid thee now farewell, 
 May heaven preserve thee in all grace I 
 This said, before my pallid face 
 The visionary form withdrew. 
 And instant faded from my view.
 
 nelson's ghost. 11 
 
 For some time lost in great amaze, 
 
 I on the passive air did gaze. 
 
 Then thought of all that had been said. 
 
 And much fatigued went home to bed. 
 
 There welcome sleep my weary frame did bless. 
 
 And steep'd my senses in forgetfulness. 
 
 END OF THE FIRST PART.
 
 NELSON s GHOST. 
 
 PART 11. 
 
 AN 
 
 ADDRESS 
 
 PEOPLE OF ENGLAND. 
 
 HAIL England ! happy clime ! by nature 
 
 bless'd. 
 Of all that charms the taste and eye possess'd. 
 Thy beauteous daughters, form 'd with match- 
 less grace, 
 Tiiy hardy sons, a bold and generous race. 
 Thy King, enthron'd on firm affection's seat, 
 A\ hose heart ^vi(h each great virtue is replete.
 
 14 nelson's ghost. 
 
 Whose gallant sons, their country's pride an(^ 
 
 boast. 
 Do lead thy armies forth, themselves a hostj 
 Long as fond memory keeps her wonted seat. 
 Till gratitude's warm pulse shall cease to beat. 
 To thee great Kent with high respect I'll bendj. 
 The soldier's leader and the soldier's friend. 
 Say, generous Britons, shall great Nelson's 
 shade. 
 
 Through mean rapacity, be unquiet made; 
 Shall he who stem'd ypur seas with conquei^- 
 
 ing prow. 
 When death has call'd him, serve to. make a 
 
 shew ; 
 Instant forbid that such a burning shame 
 Exists, or bear yourselves the guilty blame,; 
 Shall he your great defence, your country's- 
 
 pride. 
 Who in its, cause so brave, so glorious, died;
 
 nelson's ghost. 15 
 
 Say, shall the urn which holds his dear re- 
 
 Tiiaiiis 
 Be made a spectacle for private gains? 
 And shall his flitting shade thus nightly roam. 
 Restless and sad, around his profan'd tomb ? 
 Shall you be told, that hourly it resents 
 The great affront, and much its wrongs laments, 
 "Without correcting such a great abuse. 
 Of which the mournful shade does you accuse? 
 No, with one voice the shameful act forbid, 
 Ai>d peaceful keep the ashes of the dead. 
 
 FJXTS. 
 
 V.'. LK.« IS, J-lONTEIt, PAJr,n\OSli;K-ROW, LOVDOX-
 
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