I'm not Megilf at fl\ oKii;i\/iir .IRISH S A I/I <> GI-CiTTS. CHIOA OO ! T. S. DEN ISON. NO PLAYS EXCHANGED, THE STAR Price, FIFTEEN CTS. EACH, Postpaid. This scries includes only plays of the holiest order of merit. They r.ro the very best before the public. These plays aru rich ir^yaricty of incident, and spirited iii action. The dramas combine tender pathos, delightful humor, -..ml spark; The farces are brimful of the rarest fun. _This series is very carefully revised by an experienced editor. Each pl:r. Abridged. They are unequated in fuilness of sta-e directions, typogTap; print. Every play on this list is a success. This series includes only pla\ to tlie present day. ALL THAT GLITTERS 18 XOT GOLD. A comic drama acts. Time, two hours, bix males, three females. CASTE. A comedy in five acts. Time, two hours and thirty minutes. Five males, three females. EAST LYXNE. A drama in five acts. Time, two hours and thirty minutes. Eigfht males, seven females. FRUITS OF THE WIXE CUP.-A temperance drama in thr Time filty minutes. Six males, four females. HOME. A comedy in f.ve acts. Time, two hours. Four males three females. ICI ON PARLE FRANCAI8. A farce. Time forty minute males, three lemales. IX THE \VROXQ HOUSE, (two T. J.'s) A farce. Time thirty n t 1 our males, two females. I'M NOT MESILF AT ALL, A farce. Time, twenty-five minutes. Three males, two females. JOHX SMITH. A farce. Time thirty-five min. Five males, three fc: KISS IX THE DARK. A sketch. "Time thirtv minutes. Three males, two females. LADY OF LYOXS. A drama in five acts. Time, two hours am', h.rtv-live minutes. Twelve males, four fema. LARKIXS' LOVE BETTERS. A farce. Time, forty mi males, two females. LOUVA, THE PAUPER. A drama in five acts. Time, one hour and forty-five minutes. Nine males, four females. LIMERICK BOY". (THE)- A iarce. Time, forty-live minute.-,. Five males, two females. ]KY WIFE'S RELATIONS. Comedietta. Time, one hour. Four males, six females. MY TURX XEXT- A farce. Time fortv-five min. Four males, three females. MY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE.-A farce. Time forty-five minutes. Three males, three females. NOT U<;H A FOOL AS HE LOOK.8. A farcical drama in thi >Time, two hours. Five male- , four females. C PERSECUTED DUTCHMAX. (THE) A farce. Time, six males, three females. O,UIET FAMILY, (A) A farce. Time, forty-live minutes. Four males, four f< REH DIAMOND. (THE) (Country (Cousin) A farce. Tim- minutes. Four males, three fei SOI'DIElt OF FORTUXE. (A"p A comedy drama in five acts. Time, two Itours and twenty minutes. Ki^ht males, three fe::. SPARKIjIX C'UP, (THE>-A temperance play in live acts. Time, one hour and fortv-five minutes. Twelve males, four lei!!".. TEX XIGHTS IX A BAR ROOM. A temperance drama Time, two hours. Twelve, males, four females. TOO I>LES, (THE) A drama in two acts. Time, o.ie h-ur and fifteen min. Six males, two females. t? TURX HIM OUT. A farce. Time, forty-five min. Three units, two ;, THE TWO PUDDIFOOTS. A iarce. Tii..e, forty min males, three females. UXDERTII1-: L.AI RELS. A drama in live ae;s. Time, one 1,,. forty-five minutes. Five males, four females. f T. S. DENISON, Publisher, Chicago. UCSB LIBRARY I'M NOT MES1LF AT /LL AN ORIGINAL IRISH STEW. BY C. A. MALTBY. Author of "Borrowed Plumes," etc. AS FIRST PERFORMED AT DRURY LANE THEATRE, LONDON, UNDER THE MANAGEMENT OF MR. F. B. CHATTERTON, ON MONDAY, DECEMBER 27, 1869. TO WHICH IS ADDED A Description of the Costumes Entrances and Exits and the whole of the Stage Business. CHICAGO: T.. S. CAST OF CHARACTERS. Drury Lane Theater, London, Dec. 27, 1869. Mr. Benjamin Pootles (Old Man) Mr. II. BARRETT. Captain Dehk (Walking Gentleman) Mr. F. CHARLES. Phelim O'Rourke (alias Major O'Hogan Irish.) Mr. J. REYNOLDS. Laura (Pootles 1 Daughter Walking Lady) Miss EDITH STUART. Mary (Servant Chambermaid.) Miss SEYMOUR. COSTUMES. MB. POOTLES. Dressing-gown, hand and leg bound up, as if suffering from the gout. CAPTAIN DEBIT. Undress English cavalry uniform (neat), long moustache. PHELIM. 1st dress : Irish peasant. Sd dress: Highland costume. PROPERTIES. Flowers in vase on table, up R. C., decanter and glasses, newspaper, valise, bundle of clothes, forming a Highland dress, sword, two letters, hand-bell on table, bundle in haudktrcbielou stick for PIIBLIM. TIME OF PLAYING- TWENTY- FIVE MINUTES. STAGE DIRECTIONS. li. means Eight of Stage, facing the audience; L. Left; C. Center: R. C. Right of Center; L. C. Left of Center. D. F. Door in the Flat, or Scene running aero 8 the back of the Stage; 0. D. F. Center Door in the Flat; B. D. F. Right Door in the Flat; L. D. F. Left Door in the Flat; R. Z>, Right Door; L. D. Left Door'; 1 E. First Entrance; 2 E. Second Entrance; U. E. Upper Entrance; 1,2 or 3 G. First, Second or Third Groove. SYNOPSIS. This is indeed a veritable " Irish Stew." POOTLES is seen seated at table, in his breakfast room, suffering from the gout; LAURA, his daughter, is at- tending to the flowers>t the back of the room. Their conversation is inttr- rupted by the entrance of CAPTAIN DEBIT, an admirer of LAUBA's/cigar in lips. POOTLES has just been apprised by letter that a Major O'Hogan, who has been quite struck by LAURA'S charms, is about to pay him a visit. POOTLES drops the letter, as they all exit. PHELIM O'ROURKE enters, look- ing for a situation. He picks up the letter, and determines to personate the expected Major, and seeing some bundles, opens one, with the Major's uni- form therein, and proceeds to array himself as a " milliogtary" man. All sorts of queer mystifications occur; PUELIM passing through the ordeal with decided eclat thanks to his impudence, ready wit, rich brogue, and good humor. He winds up the fun by captivating LAURA'S maid, and making a characteristic " apache 11 to the audience. I'M NOT MESILF AT ALL." SCENE. Breakfast-room in Mr. Footles' villa, in Sd grooves. Discovered Footles in chair at table, R, icith an attack of gout. Lauras arranging flowers at back. Footles. Now, Laura, be good enough to leave those flowers and frailties alone, and attend to me. Where's the paper? Laura. Oh ! bother the papers. Poo. How dare you bother the papers? Laura. I can't bear them, they are all alike. Poo. One would think you had been brought up on the plains of Carriboo. It is the duty of every man who has twenty shillings a week to support two papers at least; and when he has thirty shillings to have them bound. Come, miss, don't miss the leading articles, and mind your stops. Laura. (Takes paper, szts It of table.) I'd like it all stops. (Heads.) "Wanted, a healthy charwoman " Poo. What's that to do with her Majesty's ministers? I should like to know. Laura. " Glass cases for sale." Poo. Pooh ! pooh ! Laura. " In all cases of rheumatism and gout." Poo. Do you want to see me in a fit, miss? Will you look at the leading article? Laura. I thought hospitals might interest you. Poo. Don't be impertinent. Give me the paper. (Takes paper.) Glass cases indeed ! Girls of the present age are like exotics, they never ought to be taken out of glass cases excepting; to be bedded out. (Captain Debit appears at back from R, stnoking.) Laura. (Aside.) Here's the captain, that's a comfort. (Aloud.) Entrez Captain Debit, by all means. (Debit throws cigar away.) Poo. Yes, for goodness' sake, come in (Aside.) However much I dislike a man, their society is worth a dozen women for long together. (Aloud.) Be good enough, Debit, to run your eye over the paper, and see if there's anything fresh. Laura. (Mischievously.) Yes, there's a paragraph here, papa, would like you to read. Deb. With pleasure. (Reads.) " To all old gentlemen afflicted! with gout." Poo. Do you want to see me have a lit, Laura? 3 4 I'M NOT MESILF AT ALL. Laura. A mistake I pointed here. Deb. Thanks (Reads.) " The house of Mr. Pipps was broken into on Tuesday last." Poo. Goodness , gracious, great gooseberry! 1 know Pipps well. Go on. Deb. (Reads.) " By a most determined ruffian about five feet high, with red hair, and a sfcort nose ; who, after completely ransacking four rooms, assaulting four female servants, and pitching Mr. Pipps from his bed-room window on the fourth floor, escaped. We are glad to say Mr. Pipps only received four slight injuries, as he fell on all fours on a forcing bed. House- holders are cautioned." Poo. Goodness, gracious, great gooseberry ! (Ring heard.) We must set a few spring guns, rny dear. Deb. There's no cause for fear. I will issue some instructions to my men to look afier him, and from other precautions I have taken I have no doubt we shall secure the ruffian in the course of a day or two. Enter Mary, L, 2 E, with portmanteau, sword and bundle the portmanteau she places R. 0, saying, " Major Hogari's luggage, sir" then thrusting the bundle in Footle's face, says," A tetter for you, sir." Poo. Goodness, gra , what's that ? Mary. Beg your pardon, sir; but I've had such a turn these are the gardener's Sunday things; he's a-going to a christening, sir, and the boy brought them and the letter together. Poo. Hold your tongue, and give me the letter. Mary. Yes, sir. (Puts down bundle on table confusedly, and searches far letter.) It's marked imme'jate, sir. Poo. Then why on earth don't you give it me, jade ? Mary. Yes, sir. (Fumbling.) Here it is. (Hands letter. While Pootles reads, Mary goes to Laura mysteriously. ) 4 Seen the papers, miss? Laura. Now, here's another paper mania! Mary. Red hair and short nose ! (Exit mysteriously, L.) Poo. What's this? Gracious, goodness ! here Debit, read this, will you? Deb. (Reads.) "Dear Pootles, I have but time to caution you. Major O'Hogan has left London for your part of the country. If possible, be out when he arrives, as he will stop with you six months. If you don't know him, distinguishing marks are red hair and short nose. Yours, J. TKOTT." Laura. Well, what do you propose. (Aside.) I propose to let him come. Poo. Propose? Why, this? (Rings bell. Enter Mary, L.) If any one comes here with red hair and a short nose, say we've gone to the Pyramids for a twelvemonth. Mary. Oh, la! (Drops into a chair.) Poo. (Pats letter in his pocket.) Laura, assist me out of the room, and get the lotion. Gracious goodness, great gooseberry 1 This will throw me back a month at least I'M NOT MESILF AT ALL. 5 Deb. Allow me, my dear sir. (Exit Poottes, assisted by Debit, R 1 E an Pootles exits, he putts out his handkerchief, and drops the letter.) Laura. (Following?) I wonder if it's the Major O'Hogan we met in town last year; if so, Captain Debit, I'll lead you a dance. (Emt Laura, L.) Ma/ry. (Recovering, makes a, rush at the paper.) Red hair, short nose if that man puts his head in at the door, I shall drop at his feet. Assaulted four female women servants, too. I believe them papers is wrote o' purpose to scare country-folk. I'll keep every door and window barred for the next six months, that I will. (Exit L. Enter Phelim O'Rourke, at back from R, whis- tling, with a stick and bundle, looks round business.) Phelim. It's mighty .refrishin' to inter a house like this, and find ould English hospitality aquil to the frog-heartedness of ancient Ireland. The ginerosity of this garret on the ground flure of the universal globe aftects the very wather in me eyes. Faix, it puts a man in a plisant humor wid an impty stomach to see the doors and chairs open for the stranger in distriss. An it's distrissed I am, in rale downright earnist, to be going without the taste of dinner barrin' the breakfast I had for four days. Anyhow, it's a plisant-looking place, barrin' the complete absence o' ateables. (Sees letter, R.) What's this? the Giueral Post Office, broke open and put on the carpet, (reads.) "Major O'Hogau, etc., stop with ye six months." Six months, that's ilegant! I'll git a year out of that. Phelim, ye clivil! from this blessed moment " Ye're not yersilf at all." Ye are Major O'Hogan, sir. What's that? (Sees bundle on table.) A dacent suit o' clothes, as sure as my name is Phelim O' I mean Major O'Hogan. I'll put 'em on. Sure they wouldn't take me for a milingtary man anyways in these things. Bedad, this is betther than all the rnanna that ever fell in the wilds of Tipperary. (O-oes behind screen and changes, singing the while.) Oh, I'm not mesilf at all, Molly dear, Molly dear, Till you my own I call ; Nothing caring, nothing knowing, It's after you I'm going, Faith, me shadow 'tis I'm growing, Molly dear, Molly dear, Oh, I'm not mesilf at all. Divil a button is there on 'm at all, (Gomes from behind screen with the gardener's trousers on, and no coat, showing his icaist- coat all torn up the back.) What'll I do now? the blaganl's coat won't go on the top of me, and divil a button is there on the waistcoat! I'm thinking I'll be mistaken for mesilf in this state. (Sees the Majors trunk). What's this? (Gives it a kick.) It's Barney O'Cullen's fiddle-case, that's what it is. (Gives it another kick; lid comes open.) Och, what have I done now? Murther, it's the old O'Hogan rigimintles. (Pulling out coat.) What's that? 6 I'M NOT MESILF AT ALL. Anyway, I'll git inside of it it's a purty sort of a thing. Bedad, the gardner's trousers will think they've been and enlisted. (Pulls out kilt.) O'Hogan's mixed his wife's rigimintles wid his'own the ontidy blaguard ! (Puts it back, and pulls out sporran^) Be the powers ! here's a purty cheskpreserver. Anyhow, thatTJ go somewhere. (Ties it round waist pulls out scarf.) I wonder if this is O'Hogan's pocket-handkerchief? He must have a daceut nose in the middle of his face! (Ties it on over shoulder.) Och, here's an iligant hat! (Putts out Scotch bonnet.) Be my sowl, the thing's complate! If O'Hogan ever puts these things on again, he'll feel like a gentleman for the rest of his life. Some- body's coming what'll I do wid the rigimintle case? (Puts it under table, ft.) I'll want a sword never moind, I'll trust to my own beautiful twig. (Goes up back to look for stickfinds the sword. Phelim, ye divil, if ye weren't such a pious boy, I'd be after saying the divil's yer first cousin, and is looking after yer comforts this blessed day. (Takes sword.) There's a dilicate skewer to tickle an alderman's ribs with. (While he is fixing on the sword up the stage, Enter Mary, L, looking about her.) Mary. Where on earth have I laid that bundle? I'm in that state of flustration, that I've put the blacking brushes into the saucepan instead of the batter pudding, and left the pudding on my bed. (Sees Phelim. Screams, aud falls into his arms, JR. U) Phe. Who the devil threw the girl at me in that way ? Get up wid ye ! (Shakes her.) Will ye get up ? If ye want to die, go and do it in yere own room uon t do it here. Will ye get up ? The women are all the same; they're like stame engines the moment they smell danger they ather scream till they're out of it, or else they burst up at once. Will ye get up now ? Some one's coming. (Shakes her and puts her on her feet.) Mary. (Falls on her knees.) Spare me spare me, sir ! (Busi- ness.) Phe. I wouldn't hurt a hair of your delicifte head ! (Recog- nizing.) What, Mary, me darlint! don't ye know me! Yer own Pheli'm ? Mary. Don't I know me Sunday out ? (They embrace on knees.) But what on earth are ye dressed up like that for, Phelim ? Phe. Hist, darlint ! not a whisper ! I'm going to stop wid yer a bit. Me name's Major O'Hogan. Faix, Mary, darlint, the Major's left his appetite in the pocket of his coat, an it's got in- he won't be here yet awhile, (Exit Mary, L. Enter Pootles, ft.) Pootles. Plic\v, I Hatter myself that if Major O'Hogan comes here he'll get a lively reception. (Sees Phelim.) Halloo, who's that ? (Business of dodging round the paper.) Phe. (Aside.) Sure it's the old boy ! (Presently Phelim starts up, and nearly upxets Pootles.) Ax yer pardon, sir; I didn't see I'M NOT MESILF AT ALL. 7 ye got the print in my eyes. How d'ye do, sir ? I'm delighted to see you. (Shakes hands.) Poo. (Dumbfounded.) Sir, I really, I Phe. Sir, yere face is baming with health and ginerosity. Poo. But, sir, this is very sudden. Phe. Suddent is it, but I'm none the less plased to see ye, sir. Stand over there, sir. (Places Pootles, fi.) I'll stand here; now, sir, we're not going to fight a jewil, I'm going to introduce ye to a rale gentleman. Misther Pootles, sir, Major O'Hogan of the 999th. Poo. (Starting.) O'Hogan! Phe. Major O'Hogan, sir, Mr. Pootles. Poo. But, sir, do you know ? Phe. Sir, I do. Poo. But, are you aware ? Phe. Perfectly, sir; perfectly aware of every thing; have a taste o' the sherry, sir, and let's talk it over; you're welcome. Poo. Sir, I consider this conduct is is Phe. Sir, you're in a hurry, I know it's not the dacent thing to forget to inquire after the missis. Poo. Mrs. Pootles, sir, is defunct. Phe. (Aside.) That's a blessin'. (Aloud.) Sure it was Miss Pootles, I inquired after. I never inquire after the married ones first. Poo. Sir, when a man in the character of a stranger visits my house, I invariably Phe. Give him the best of everything; ye're a broth of a boy; and arn't I a stranger? (Aside.) Faix, I'm a stranger to mesilt. (Aloud.) That being so, Pootles, just run into the kitchen and wake that servant girl up. Poo. How dare you I say how dare you Phe . That's the way, wake her up in that sort of way. (Pokes him in ribs.) Poo. Damme, sir ! Phe. No, sir, don't swear at her. Talk to her in the quietest way in the world. See you directly, Pootles. (Bustles him to the door, L, and pushes him out business with gouty arm, leg, etc.) Poo. (Coming back.) But, sir, I demand Phe. Bedad, that'll do, ye needn't rehearse here. (Treads on 7iis gouty foot Pootles hops off.) Now, Phelim, take another glass of sherry. (Sits at table. Enter Laura, JR.) Here's another. (Beads.) Laura. (Not perceiving Phelim). I really wish the Major would come down, I'm bored to death, Captain Debit is so quiet. (Phelim rattles the paper violently.) Who on earth is that, I had no idea of any one being in the room ? How careless of Mary not to have told me ; 1 think under the circumstances I ought to scream, but I don't feel sufficiently frightened. Phe. . (Looking over the paper and winking.) There ye are, are ye ? 8 I'M NOT MESILF AT ALL. Laura. Why he's winking at me. Phe. Don't be alarmed, me darlint, I'm a beautiful specimen of propriety. Laura. I must confess I was startled, seeing a stranger. Phe. A stranger, ye thought ye hadn't seen me before. Major, introduce yourself, sir, to to f beg your pardin', I didn't quite catch the name. Laura. Laura. Phe. A niie-hty purty name too. I'm deloighted to introduce the name to Major O'Hogan, of the 999th, a marvellously foine man and a distinguished soldier in the affair that took place be- tween Bengal and Belfast. Ltura. I've much pleasure in welcoming Major O'Hogau to our humble villa. Phe. Ye're mighty koind, ma'am. Ye're a splindid institution; and no one knows it better than mesilf. (Gets dose to her.) I've seen yere nate looking father and we embraced tinderly (Puts his arm slyly round her waist) like this ! Laura. (Aside) I see the Captain coming this way. I'll en- courage the Major, and perhaps the Captain will take the hint. (Aloud.) Indeed, Major. Phe. Indeed it is me, darlint. (Aside.) It's a nate waist, bedad, it's like putting your arm round a dilicate whisky bottle. Enter Captain Debit, L G, back.) Laura. Let me go, Major, you squeeze me. Phe. (AsMe.) I'd like to taste the contents? Suppose I just put me lips to the mouth of the bottle. (Kisses her suddenly.) Laura. For shame, Major, I won't stay another moment. (Exit Laura, hastily, R.) Deb. (Aside.) So, so, young lady, this is what I have to ex- pect. Phe. O'Rourke, me boy, ye were quite yersilf that time, and it's a credit to the name of Major O'Hogan. I'll take another taste o' the sherry. (Sits and takes paper.) Deb. (Coming down, R, in a rage.) So, sir, I've caught you nicely. Phe. (Looking over the paper.) Top of the mornin' to ye, sir. Is it the sherry ye're after ? It so, ring the bell, order a bottle. I'll be happy to join you. Deb. No, sir, I'm not after the sherry. Who the dickens are you, and what are ye doing here ? Phe. Be aisy, sit ye down and be paceful I be me life, ye look as tho' ye'd escaped out o' some menagerie. Deb. By jove, sir ! (Shouts.) Phe. Thunder and lightning don't swear here, sir ! Be aisy now, I shan't hurt ye. Deb. (Aside.) The man must be mad. (Aloud.) Are you aware, air, to whom you are talking ? I'M NOT MESILF AT ALL. 9 Phe. Make yer moind aisy about that, sure, yer known in iv'ry jail in the kingdom. Deb. You low-bred ruffian. Phe. (Rising with slow dignity.) Sur, the language you've dressed yerself in cannot be passed over by an officer and a gin- tleman. Deb. An officer! (Walks in front.) Phe. Sure, isn't the face o' Major O'Hogan known to every man in the army. Deb. Major O'Hogan! (Aside) This is an impostor. (Aloud.) So, you are the Major, eh? Phe. I am that. Deb. Ah ! then, of course you've seen service ? Phe. (Aside.) In livery. (Aloud.) Seen service is it ye mane? Deb. I do. Phe. Av course I've seen service, sir. Deb. Then may I ask to what regiment you belong? Pfie. I belong to me own regiment, sur. (Aside.) The Bengal and Belfast war won't do here Deb. Where was your regiment stationed last? Phe. The regiment, sir, wa stationed with me. Deb. Then, sir, where were you stationed ? Phe. Oh, ye want to know where I was stationed ? Well, sir, I was stationed with me regiment. Deb. (Confidently.) Oh, indeed, ah ! Then where were you both stationed ? Phe. Together, sir. Deb. (Aside.) Confound his assurance I'll try another tack. (Aloud.) You understand what I mean, when I demand satisfac- tion, I suppose? Phe. Satisfaction! Certainly, sir, when you demand satisfac- tion you mane that nothing less than a thousand a year would satisfy you. Deb. No, sir, you will have to fight me. Phe. (Aside.) I never fight with any other swords but shil- lalehs. (Aloud.) Fight, is it? Oh, ye want to supply me with a little divarsion? Deb. Now, sir, will you fight me? PJie. Sir, ye've no right in the world at all to question your shuperior officer. Deb. Superior officer ! Phe. Silence, sir. Deb. I will not be silent, sir. How dare you attempt to kiss my affianced bride ? Phe. Is it your bride I was going to kiss ? Then, sir, ye ought to know the family connections better than ye do. I'm that young lady's uncle. Deb. Her uncle ? 10 I'M NOT MESILF AT ALL. Phe. Certainly, sir ; an' ye behave yersilf properly, I'd hand ?3 over a dacint sum o' money when ye get spliced. ( Aside.) St. atrick forgive me. Deb. Well, upon my honor, this is the most (Enter Mary L.) Mary. Please, sir, would you step round to the front door ? Master wants you ; there's two of your men Deb. Very good. (To Phelirn.) I'll talk to you on my return. (Exit, door in flat.) Phe. I'd be better plased sir, if ye'd do all the talkin' while ye're away, and be silent when ye come back. (To Mary.) Well, darlint, ye forgot the ateables entirely. Mary. No, sir, I didn't, but master told me not to bring them in. Phe. But didn't / tell ye to bring them ? sure I'd soon put them out of the master's way. Mary. But the gardener wants his clothes. He's coming in here to speak to the master. Phe. (Aside.) Coming in here without his clothes! that's not dacint, anyhow. Tell the gardener, me darlint, that after I've had me dinner, I'll mate him behind the pigsty, and talk it over. But how about the ateables, eh ? Mary. (Aside.) Poor fellow, he's quite hungry. (Aloud.) Would you mind coming into the kitchen ? Phe. Will I mind coming into Paradise? Come along. Sure I'll just take the table-cloth to put round me in case of meetin' your friend, the gardener. (Going.) After you, darlint, by da- cint breedin'. Give us a kiss, be way of dessert, darlint, afore me dinner just to make the vittles proud o' goin' the same way. (Kiss.) I'll git a taste of the dinner at last. (Exit Phelim and Mary L. Enter Pootles, in a rage, followed by Laura L.) Poo. Not another word, the villain shall leave the house in- stantly. Laura. He may be simply an eccentric man after all ? Poo. Goodness gracious! great gooseberry! he needn't lie, if he is eccentric. Laura. See him, and speak to him quietly. Poo. Quietly be hanged ! Didn't he hustle me out of the room, and give me enough pain to last me a twelve-month ? And now he calls himself your uncle ! (Enter Captain Debit, hurriedly, back.) Debit. Where is he ? (Snatches up paper reads.) About live feet high, short hair, red nose I mean, short nose, red hair; it agrees precisely. Laura. What ? Deb. The description of that house-breaker, O'Flannagan, with this pseudo major. Poo. Goodness, grocious! great gooseberry! I dare say he's up stairs at my cash-box now. I'M NOT MESILF AT ALL. 11 Laura. Or rny dressing-case. Deb. (To Laura.) Should I rid you of this man, Laufa, will you think of me more favorably ? (Laura offers liand Debit kisses it.) I will immediately issue orders to have the house sur- rounded. (Aside.) I have laid a nice trap for this Major. (Rings bell. 'Phelim rushes in from L, knocks against Captain Debit, and bolts behind screen arid looks at them over the top.) Phe. There ye all are, then? Sure ye're ringing for Mary. Well, as I've completely done with Mary and the ateables, she's at yoar service. I mit the gardner. an' I trated him to the kind- est and gentlest tap on the head with me stick possible. Mary's a touchin' specimen of the prodigal son ; sure she was just goin' to waste the most ilegant dhrop of spirits in the warld on a pud- ding, when, says L, "Me jewel, don't put it in the puddin', put it into me, it'll inflame the puddin,' and do it no good at all, at all! Deb. (Rushing at him with paper, L. C.) Do you see that? Poo. Stop a minute. What are you doing with my table cover ? Phe. Yere table cover, is it, sir ? Well, I've got the greatest pain in the world in the small of my back. Poo. (B.C.) Pooh, pooh, sir! Phe. Pooh, pooh, is it? Ye've got the drafts laid on all over the house like the water, sir ! Oh ! Deb. (L.C.) Shallow artifice. Do you see that ? Phe. How can I see anything? Deb. lied hair and short nose, sir. Phe. How dare ye insult your shuperior officer ! Deb. Bosh ! 1 arrest you, Patrick O'Flannagan, for house- breaking with violence. Phe. (Surprised.) Patrick O'Flannagan. (Aside.) I'll be getting mixed up here- -stop a minute. (Counting on his fingers.) Phelim O'Rourke, Major O'Hogan, Patrick O'Flannagan. Phe- limO'Rourke's nothimsilf at all. Patrick O'Flannagan isathafe! Sure, I'll stick to the Major; he's the most respectable blaguard of the lot, Poo. Now, sir, how dare you come here representing yourself as Major O'Hogan, and how dare you say that you are that young'lady's uncle? Phe. Sure ye wouldn't have me go to tell a lie ! Anyhow, I am the young lady's uncle. Are ye a man. (To Pootles.) Poo. I believe I am. Phe. And am I not a man ? Poo. I don't know I suppose you are. Phe. And aren't all men brothers? Very well, then, of course I'm the young lady's uncle. Laura. That's one way out of it. (Enter Mary with a letter L) Mary. A letter for you, sir. (Gives Debit letter.) And please, sir (To Pootles) Major O'Hogan's arrived. UCSB LIBRARY. 12 I'M NOT MESILF AT ALL. Phe. (Aside.) Philliloo, here's the devil's own game. What will I do now ? Deb. So, sir, you're not O'Flannagan he's caught! I see the Major has come (Aside) forgive the girl for lying. (Aloud.) Come, sir, the game's up. Phe. (Grossing.) The game's up is it? Well, anyhow I've won. All. Won ! Phe. Phelim O'Rourke, sir, was so entirely disgusted wid his bad luck, he laid himself a wager that if he wasn't himself at all he'd get a dinner and a situation, for that's what he's wanting? I've got the dinner? Deb. (Aside.) Ton my life I like the fellow. (Aloud.) And now you want the situation. Where shall you get that ? Phe. (Putting his arm around Mary.) This is the situation to suit me. Laura. From what I understand, the gardener would not give you a very good character. Phe. Tell the gardener I've got all the character I want out of his clothes. (Aside to Mary.) And Mary, darlint, has the Major really come ? Mary. No, only the Captain told me to say so. Phe. Then it is all right, darlint, and I've now only to ask your forgiveness (To audience) for the little story I've told you in saying, "I'M NOT MESILF AT ALL." DEBIT. LAURA. PHELIM. MARY. POOTLKS. B. L. CURTAIN. THE ETHIOPIAN DRAMA. Price, IJ cts. each, pot*t-paid. Those plays are all short, anil very funny. Nothing- poor in the list. They Bcrveadmirubly to give variety to a ptpjjramtne. The-, female characters may be assumed by mules in most cases. Where something' thoroughly comical, but unobjectionable is wanted, they are just the thing. STAGE STRUCK DARKY. A very funny " take-off" on tragedy; 3 male, i female. Time 10 minutes. STOCKS UPSTOCKS DOWN. 2 males; a played' out author and his sympathising 1 friend; very funny and full of " business " and practical jokes. Time 10 minutes. DEAF IN A HORN. 2 males; negro musician and a deaf pupil. A very interesting question sudden- ' ly enables the latter to hear. Full of first-class " business." Time S minutes. HANDY ANDY. 2 males; master and servant. The old man is petulant and the servant irnke^ all sorts of ludicrous mistakes and misunderstands every order. Very lively in liction. Time 10 minutes. THE MISCHIEVOUS NIGGER. A farce; 4 males, 3 females. Characters: The mischievous nigger, old man, French burlier, Irishman, widow, nurse. Time 20 mimiies. THE SHAM DOCTOR. A negro farce; 4 males, i females. This is a tip-top farce. The "sham doctor" run nut fail to bring down the house. Time 15 minutes. NO CURE, NO PAY. 3 males, I female. Doctor Ipecac has a theory that excessrve terror will cure people who are deaf and dumb. His daughter's lover is mistaken lor the patient to the terror of all. Only one darky. A capital little piece for schools or parlor. Time 10 minutes. TRICKS. 5 males, 2 females. (Only two darkys, i male, i female.) A designing old step -father wishes to marry his step- daughter for her nioney. She and her lover plan an elopement. The old man discovers it and ims an ingenious counter-plot which fails completely, to his discomfiture. Time K> minutes. Suited to parlor performance. HAUNTED HOUSE. 2 males. A white- washer encounters ' spirits" in a house he has agreed to white-wash. Plenty of business. Time 3 minutes. THE TWO I'O.Ul'EYS. 4 males. A challenge to a duel is worked up in a very funny way, Tirr.:- 8 minutes. AN UNUAl'l'Y 1'AIH. t ( males, and males for a band. Two hunsrry niggers strike the musician- tor a square meal. Good for school or parlor, and very funny. Time 'G minutes. Any Play on this List 15 Cts. Postpaid. Catalogues Free. Plays by T. S. DENISON. ODDS WITH THE ENEMY. nit, - hours. HARD CIDER. SETH GREENBACK. '3 m - INITIATING A GRANGER. TWO GHOSTS IN WHITE. A Ilium runs farce liase.l on hoarilin-;-- Tlllle, THE ASSESSOR. BORROWING TROUBLE. A In. inle un.1 ;; i\- COUNTRY JUSTICE. ouniry lu\v suil ; S mule characters. (Muyjulmit i|.) Time, THE PULL-BACK. female. Tim.-, HANS VON SMASH. A roarini; ("tree in a ]>n .'. OUR COUNTRY. irama in three pans. Ke- male, .; k-mcile, (Ailniii liour. THE SCHOOL MA'AM. A hi" . Tinn:, i holt'.- |; 11. in. THE IRISH LINEN PEDDLER. THE KANSAS IMMIGRANTS: Or. the Great Exodus. til. TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING. IS THE EDITOR IN? AN ONLY DAUGHTER. ai-l>; ^ ma; PETS OF SOCIETY. LOUVA. THE PAUPER. UNDER THE LAURELS. A drama i' U-iiKile. Tiim-, i : THE SPARKLING CUP. A tc- 1 | remain. Plays by H. Elliott McBride. ON THE BRINK. ; tein;ile. Time, I : A BAD JOB. PLAYED AND LOST. .V sketch; 3 MY JEREMIAH. LUCY'S OLD MAN. , THE COW THAT KICKED CHICAGO. I'LL STAY AWHILE. THE FRIDAY AFTERN30N DIALOGUES. -Price - FRIDAY AFTERNOON SPEAKER- SCRAP BOOK READINGS. WORK AND PLAY. i;v MARY J. T. S. DENISON, Publisher, CHICAGO.