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THE LIBRARY
OF
THE UNIVERSITY
OF CALIFORNIA
LOS ANGELES
DELAYS and BLUNDERS:
A C O M E D F,
IN FIVE ACTS.
AS PERFORMED AT THE
THEATRE-ROTAL, COVENT-GARDEN.
By FREDERICK REYNOLDS.
JSMEDLEY'S
LONDON:
niNTID BY A. STXAHAN, PRINTERS-STR E E T ;
FOR T. N. LONGMAN AND O. REES, PATERNOSTER-ROW.
1803.
5221
PROLOGUE.
JNo more for war in foreign climes we roam,
But, fearlefs, brave election ftrife at home.
Say, 'midft the thunder of the public voice,
May I prefect a Member for your choice ?
No ftranger be, but to each Voter known,
And by adopting kindnefs made your own.
'Twas his ambition, friends, when very young,
To ferve this Borough, he has ferv'd it long :
In life your fuffrage has been all his aim,
His only fortune, and his only fame.
Should you the <era not remember well,
The Dramatist is ftill alive to tell.
All Members here inftru&ions muftpurfue,
And, like camelions, ftill muft take your hue ;
Adopt each change, however new or rare,
Or, like camelions, ftill muft feed on air.
Here, by the general voice, we ftand or fall,
And one proud franchife is enjoy'd by all.
Cheer us, ye tenants (the Gallery) of thofe high domi-
nions,
Ye boldeft Freeholders of free opinions,
Subftantial Houfeholders (Pit), ah ! fpare our plot.
Spare us, ye generous fons of fcot and lot.
And may our Poet's whim, if not. his wit,
Secure a batch of plumpers in the Pit.
Whilft thefe fair Voters here (Boxes), preferr'd to man,
Give us the gentler (ufFrage of the fan,
With foft feducing canvafs win the foul,
Your (hew of hands and we (hall head the poll.
We claim not, o'er you, a feptennial right,
We a(k your vote and intereft for one night;
Nor call that candidate fupremely vain,
So oft elecled, who puts up again ;
Whofe conftant toil (however it content you)
Has been mod faithfully to reprefent you.
A 2
4 0317-
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
Sir Edward Delauny
Lieutenant St. Orme
Sapling
Henry Sapling
Paul Poftpone
Privilege
Robert Grange
Farmer Nightfhade
Sternly
Thomas
Groom
Landlord
Clerk.
Waiter.
Gaoler.
Servant to Sir Edward.
Poftilions.
Mr. Murray.
Mr. Siddons.
Mr. Munden.
Mr. Lewis.
Mr. Fawcett.
Mr. Simmons.
Mr. Emery.
Mr. Thompson.
Mr. Davenport.
Mr. Atkins.
Mr. Abbot.
Mr. Harley.
Mrs. Sapling
Honoria
Mrs. St. Orme
Lauretta
Mrs. Mattocks.
Mrs. H. Johnston.
Mrs. Litchfield.
Mrs. H. Siddons.
DELAYS and BLUNDERS.
ACT I.
SCENE I. Outfide of County Gaol Houfes and
Trees reprefenting the St eet in a Country Town
a Bridge in the Centre, and extenfive open Country
behind it Stage partly darken 1 d Lauretta
Sf . OKMEfeen crojfmg the Bridge with a Bajket
in her Hand,
Enter Lauretta.
HARK ! (looking back alarmed) it was the
found of feet l-p-I'm watch'd I am difco-
ver'd ! (falls again/i the wing) Oh Heavens !
my ram imprudent zeal has ruin'd all no (reco-
vering) 'twas but fancy nothing but the patting
breeze ! and I may venture to proceed. I know
I'm fure that he'll condemn me ; but 'tis a long,
long month fince I have heard what paries in that
dark abode perhaps his health may fuffer by con-
finement perhaps his poverty denies him e'en
life's common comforts perhaps Oh! the fu.
penfe is infupportable 1 and I were not the daugh-
ter that he thinks me, if I endur'd it calmly
(knocks at the prifon gate)\ will but afk, a,nd then
again to my retreat.
a 3 Gaoler
6 DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
Gaoler (/peaking through iron grating).
Who's there at this time of the morning ?
Lauretta. One to enquire after Mr. St. Orme.
Gaoler. St. Orme ! the prifoner confin'd for
murder ?
Lauretta. Ay : as 'tis faid, for murder !
Gaoler. You can't fee him begone, (retiring.)
Lauretta. Stay fir fpare me but a moment
I will not afk to fee him I only afk that you will
give him this. {Taking afmajl paper parcel out of
bafket.) 'tis a fmall prefent from a ftranger
meant to revive and cheer him -nay :-*-if he be
guilty, he the more needs confolation th? virtu-
ous fly to confcience for relief but where ! Oh!
where, can fuch as you defcribe St. Orme, feek
comfort or repofe ? then be merciful and in the
hour of diftrefs, you (hall have your reward.
Gaoler. Well I'll take it. {Opens grating takes
parcel Jhuts it again and exit.)
Lauretta. Thanks thanks !- and yet thofe
prifon gates Oh ! that they'd open wide, and
once more give a father to my arms ! then fhould
my humble talents ftill afiift him then would we
feek again that haplefs mother, who needs a huf-
band's and a daughter's aid. But thefe are idle
hopes the dreaded hour approaches! the day of
trial is at hand ! Oh fpare him !~fpare him Hea-
ven !
Enter Gaoler from the gate.
Gao&r. So inftead of reviving the prifoner,
your prefent threw him into violent agitation and
here (producing a letter) he fends you this
anfwer.
Lauretta
DEtAYS AND BLUNDERS, f
Lauretta {reading it ajide). " You have done
* very wrong return inftantly to your retreat irt
" the mountains} and never forget that you alone
" were prefent at the murder that there's no
" other witnefs to convict me; 'tis for your fake
! and your unfortunate mother's that I wifh to
f* live Conceal yourfelf but four days longer,
" and we may dill meet and ftill be happy!"
Oh ! let me fly to my retreat ! -Tell him I
cheerfully obey his willies, and thank him for his
coupfel. (Gaoler exit, and Lauretta going up
fiage, flops on feeing it lit.)* *Ha ! the morning
breaks, and the broad glare of day will lead to my
difcovery ! unfeen, to reach the mountains is im-
pofilble ! weak, thoughtlefs girl! -to rifk fo
much for felfifh momentary joy ! *** What's to
be done \ 1 knowhard by, there is a thick
impervious woodthere, I'll fecrete myfelf till
night, and then fet forth again and if thy fafety
refts on my concealment, fear not my father ! -rwe
will be happy ftill. [Exit 4
Enter Sternly and two Servants of Sir Edward
DelaunyV.
Sternly. Come buftle to your daily occupa-
tion lads fearch every where for the witnefs, and
recollect how near 'tis to the affizes.
\ft Servant. We do But when you recollect
'tis now five months fince Sir Frederick's death,
and that we've hunted for this Mifs Lauretta every
day
Sternly. Ay: plague on her J (he got all this
knowledge of tricks, fhifts, and difguifes* from
turning ftage player but the prelent baronet is
bent upon revenge, and that the trial may be pro-
a 4 pert/
8 DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
perly conducted, he expects this very morning a
great London Solicitor one Mr. Poftpone fam'd
for integrity and talent and if our only evidence
be not forthcoming, how can even he affift us !
fo away lofe not a moment, whilfl I wait his ar-
rival at the inn. (Servants exeunt ) Yes : yes :
I mult look about me like Sir Edward, for if Mr.
St. Orme don't fuffer, 1 fancy fomebody elfe will.
Henry Sapling [without).
There! there, you rogues!
Sternly. Hah ! Who comes here? Surely not
the London lawyer already. (Looks out.) No as
J live, Mr. Henry Sapling! who has been at fea
thefe four years the nephew of my old neighbour.
I wonder whether he's the fame unfufpicious,
fimple youth he us'd to be.
Enter Henry Sapling in a naval uniform, fol-
lowed by two P oft- boys.
Henry (his furfe in his hand). There that's
for the chaife and four and here here's a guinea
for yourfelves. (Exeunt Poft-boys.) What, Sternly!
-my old acquaintance Sternly ! why, how you
flare and gape.- I dare fay, now, you think this
extravagant tiavelling.
j Sternly? To be fure I do.
Henry. Well it's very likely but I'm juft
come from fea, to touch a legacy ; and, between
ourfelves we failors are fo unus'd to accounts and
economy and in fhort, I feel money fuch a load
r to me, that I fee I (han't fail pieafantly till I've
chuck'd, it all overboard. Bur, I fay how's
M nunky ?
Sternly.
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 9
Sternly. Oh quite a new man fince you faw
him. Why 'tis but a fortnight ago, he married
Sir Edward's coufin.
Henry. Married is he ? Thank Fortune ! So
am not 1, Matter Steward.
Sternly. Why thank Fortune ? I think I could
recommend a wife to you, Mr. Sapling.
Henry. W r hofe wife ? Not nunky's, I hope.
Sternly. No his ward the lovely M.ifs Ho-
noria, who was brought up with you.
Henry. Pfha don't talk of it fhe's a charm-
ing creature ! but a wife ! do you know, Sternly,
in all the ftorms and battles I've encounter'd, that
was my confolation fays I " never mind blow
on, my boys ! you're nothing to the gales of ma-
trimony." No give me quiet independence
liberty give me Lady Senfuive.
Sternly. Lady Senfitive ! Who's Lady Senfi-
tive ?
Henry. Mum fay nothing met her at the
Opera pick'd up her fan handed her to her low
chariot- receiv'd her card call'd next morning-
neat houfe in Mary-le-bone green .blinds
flower- pots ringing birds black boys white
liveries and (he and her maid fo fashionably
drefs'd, that, upon my honour, all their cloches put
together only weigh'd two ounces, three fcruples.
Sternly. Pfha this is a trick fne'll lead you
into diflipation.
Henry. No (he'll make me domeftic (he's fo
fond of me, that if perchance I dine at the coffee-
houfe, (he fends me twenty meflages before the
cloth's remov'd and if I don't return at the mo-
ment (he expects me poor foul ! (he goes into a
fit ! yes, (he does I find her lcreaming, and the
whole houfe fwimming with hartlhorn, laudanum,
and
lO DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
and cordials there's tendernefs ! there's love for
you !
Sternly. Love with a vengeance ! but pray
about the load ? (pointing to the pocket). Don't
ftie help you chuck lome of it overboard ?
Henry. No there's the word of her (he's fo
proud, and fo difinterefted, that, except now and
then allowing me to pay her coachmaker, and her
upholfterer, and her milliner. Oh, yes ; (he
carries it fo far, that t'other day, when her huma-
nity threw her into a fpunging houfe, fhe didn't lee
me know it, for a whole half hour Sternly ! But
I forget I promiied to return in three days, and
every port overlet the mail with love letters. And
that I may be punctual, now to vifit nunky.
(Going).
Sternly. Stop that isn't the way to divert Sir
Edward's gloom, he and Mrs. Sapling keep the
honeymoon at Delauny houle and there you'll
find Mifs Honoria alfo and fo, good day
Henry. Pooh ! What do I care for Mifs Ho-
noria ? I tell you the word <c Wife" is to me fla-
very chains leaks fhort allowance fea- (ick-
nefs and a prefs-gang no let me be a free man
go where I like do what I like ftay
Zounds ! there's the mail coach I mult make
hafte with my love-letters, or there'll be more fits,
hartfhorn, laudanum, and cordials. [Exeunt.
SCENE. v?# Apartment at an Inn.
Paul Postpone (without*).
Waiter ! Waiter !
Waiter (without). Coming, fir coming.
Paul {without). Where is this room, and the
wine, and the fandwiches ?
3 Waiter
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. II
Waiter (without). Here, your honour all ready.
Enter Paul Postpone In a Travelling Drefs bis
Clerk with a Bag and two Waiters, with Table,
Chairs, Wine, and Sandwiches,
Paul (taking off his Hat, and puffing and fanning
him/elf).
Pheugh ! What a fagging life is mine ! Never
a moment's relaxation ! No fooner the drudgery
of term over, than brought from London to flave
at the Affizes here and on a Saturday the day I
always run down to my Brentford villa but here
(feeing witie y &c.) here's confolation Clerk I
fit down, Clerk*
Clerk. Sir, I thank you but really it is time to
go into the ca!e now confider, fir, you have (o
put it off from day to day, that you havVt even
read your client's inftruclions.
Paul (having fat down).' Pflia time enough
to-morrow and never never talk bufinefs on an
empty ftomach, (eating and drinking) Waiter 1
tell us fomething about your town whofe fine
feat is that on the hill ?
Waiter. Mr. Scrip's a flock-jobber, fir.
Paul. And the large Hone houfe in the valley ?
Waiter. Mr. Shortftuff's, fir another ftock-
jobber.
Paul. Two ftock-jobbers ! damme, that's too
much for one town. -Clerk, here's, *' may lame
ducks multiply." (both drink).
Enter Sternly.
Sternly. Mr. Poftpone, I underftand happy
to wait on a gentleman fo celebrated for honefty -
induftry (bowing).
' Paul.
12 DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
Paul. Sir ! (bowing in return, but not quitting
bis /eat.)
Sternly. I am fent by Sir Edward Delauny, to
beg you'll come inftancly to his houfe, and confult
on the cafe.
Paul. Sir, my compliments to Sir Edward,
and, in the firft place, never ftir till the bottle's out
-and, in the next, bid him not be afraid I'll
bring him off!
Sternly. Bring him off ! why, he's the profecu-
tor.
Clerk (ajide acrofs the table). There, fir, I
told you how it wouli be.
Paul {rifirg). True true -as you fay, he's
the profecutor and the prifoner's name is Thom-
jTon -- no Johnftone no - but flop flop
what was I going to afk you ? fomething yery
material oh does Sir Edward keep hounds r
Sternly. Yes, fir.
Paul. And hunters ?
Sternly. Yes, fir.
Paul. And pray any fteel traps in the neigh-
bourhood ? for once ar my Brentford villa, my
horfe was caught by the foreleg, and fmafh went I
right through a cucumber frame. Laid me up
a whole term
Sternly. Sir, I'm very forry j but with fubmif-
fion, we are all moft anxious for your opinion ; and
if our only witnefs can't be found, what think you
of that part of the cafe, about the Scotch marriage?
of a poor half- pay lieutenant, like St. Oirne, de-
luding thus the noble Mifs Delauny ?
Paul. Scotch Oh, ay : I .recollect now
but that won't do will it, Clerk ? no there's no
legal harm in Scotch marriages ; becaufe if the
parties chufe to flay there nine months, the rlrft
10 child
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 13
child is a Northcountryman ; and, to their credit,
they always provide for their families. That's my
opinion and now, let the reft (land over enough
-quite enough for one morning.
Sternly. Nay : Sir Edward is waiting, and Mr.
and Mrs. Sapling expect you at their Sylvan fete.
Paul. Sylvan fete !
Sternly. Aye : an entertainment of dancing and
finging, given to amufe their hoft, and celebrate
their wedding.
Paul, Come along, Clerk now the morning's
broke in upon, we may as well make a day of it;
and in a few years Yes : let me work in the
hard manner I do now,, only a few years longer,
and I'll give mufical parties ! Though a dealer in
difcord, I delight in harmony, and, if finging be a
requifite I'll chaunt a bill of cofts with any
gentleman on the roll.
Sternly. Stay, fir. One word in private Sir
Edward bid me hint to you, that in cafe of con-
viction, your fees mould be trebled.
Paul. Then Sir Edward did wrong, If the poor
fellow's guilty, let him fuffer if nor, bribes fhan'c
convict him ; law is fufficiently profitable, without
a man turning rafcal to live by it. Yes, fir: and,
much as I like bufinefs, I've no objection to a little
pleafure, and how can I feel any if I fubmit to be
corrupted. Come, Clerk to-morrow for labour
to-day for mirih and revelry. [Exeunt.
SCENE. Delauny Houfe at a difiance Park
Gates opening to extenfive Patk.
Enter Henry Sapling and Thomas.
Henry. Away to town exprefs fay that I feel
her abfence infuppor table, and will return to-night
yec
14 DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
j - -yet flop what's this you tell me about poor
St. Orme ?
Thomas. Why, fir I heard that Lieutenant St.
Orme, who fail'd home with us from America,
-was now in the county gaol.
Henry. Impofllble ! but if it prove as you relate,
he and his daughter fhall not want a friend no
I will feek Lauretta and her father
Thomas. Seek his daughter ! Lord, fir you
quite frighten me you forget that Lady Senfitive
is fo anxious to keep you to herfelf, fir
Henry. So fhe is 'tis a pleafure to think of it .
fweet fufceptible foul ! don't you remember the
day before we left town, Tom, how (he burft into
tears when 1 patted her lap-dog? "1 fee," faid
.fhe " your partiality, and either I or that little
ugly French monfler leave the houfe, Mr. Sap-
ling !" and afterwards at dinner, when I prais'd
the dreffing of fome of the made difhes " I was
right," faid (he and fhe rufh'd down flairs, and
difcharged the cook inftantly. Oh ! theie are all
proofs of her affection and my happinefs fo mind
- not a word of St. Orme and Lauretta. (Tbo-
mas exit). And now to vifit nunky at Delauny
houfe here (Turns up ft age and ft arts) Ha !
Who is that young lady walking and reading in
the park ? upon my word, fomething very \\md-
fome and very extraordinary !-*-I don't think 1 ever
faw any thing of this kind in London (he's cer-
tainly very different from Lady Senfitive, and yet
fomehow not at all uninterefting ! (he's coming
this way 'gad ! if I thought Tom were out of
fight, and her ladyfhip wouldn't hear of it. I
fhould like juft to aicertain file's here ! So
it's no fault of mine every body fees I can't help
myfelf.
Enter
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. t
Enter Honor i a through the Park Gate with a
Book.
Honoria. Welcome to Fngland, fir after an
abfencc of four tedious years, welcome to your na-
tive home.
Henry {bowing) Madam ! T I
Honoria. What ! don't you ecollect me ?
Nav : that's unkind, Mr. Henry orget the com-
panion of your early years ! forget Honoria !
Henry. Honoria ! blefs my loul how you are
improv'd ! that is, alter'd that is 1 mean
how ci.fferen: you are from the London ladies.
Honoria. W hat ! becaufe you find me read-
ing ? Nay : you wrong them
Henry. I don't they never open a book never
for 1 know one, a moll accompliuYd lady, who
reads nothing but the play-bills and. then again,
you look fo mild fo contented fo healthy.
J dare fay now, you have no fits.
Honoria (fmiling). Fits ! Never.
Henry. What a bleffing ! But if you had a
lover, and that lover patted your lap-dog, I hope
you'd turn the little ugly French monfter out of the
houfe, Honoria.
Honoria. Do you ? Now I mould like the little
animal the better, and more carefs it, fince my
lover prais'd it,
Henry. 'Gad ! that never ftruck me and you
are fuch a charming. fafcinating
Sapling, {without), ' What's life without paf-
fion ! fweet paffion of love ?" (Jinging )
Henry. 'Sdeath ! what love-fick blockhead's this,
to interrupt us ?
Honoria. Why ! don't you know your own
yncle ?
Henry
l6 DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
Henry. That ! that foppifh, capering little
fellow my uncle !
Honoria. Yes : the fimple country 'fjuire is
converted into a modern fine gentleman, and, in-
ftead of farming and hunting, he devotes his whole
time to fafhion and frivolity. Such is the influ-
ence of his town- bred wife !
Enter Sapling, foppijhly drefs'a 7 , humming tune,
jlrutting, &c.
Sapling. Ah, Henry ! How are you, Henry ?
Henry. Sir, I give you joy not only of marry-
ing a baronet's coufin, but of your improv'd ftyle
of drefs and addrefs, Sir!
Sapling. Why, yes : I've got on thanks to my
darling wife and her fafhionable leffons you per-
ceive I'm almoft finifh'd.
Henry. Almoft ! it ftrikes me you are quite
finifh'd ?
Sapling. No there's ftill room for improve-
ment for laft night at Lady Squeeze's route, I
fhew'd the mod barbarous ignorance my wife
told me if I play'd at cards, I muft pay for them
very well ! fo far I did right I pop'd down my
half crown for card- money but, as luck would
have it, a man came round with cakes and lemo-
nade, and, thinks I, if Lady Squeeze can't afford
to pay for one thing, of courfe (he can't for another,
and fo, Ecod ! I pop'd down half a crown for
them alfo.
Henry. And I mould have done the fame they
can get nothing by cakes and lemonade but
I thought they got enough by cards without
charging their friends for them. Well ! and
the farm houfe, Honoria? Is the old farm-houfe as
much beautified as its owner ?
Honoria.
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. \J
Honoria. Quite. Isn't it, guardian ?
Sapling (with a Jatisfaclory /mile). Yes : the
barn is turn'd into a ball-room the pigeon-houfe
over it into a billiard-room the calf-houfe near it,
into a concert-room and the houfe for cows and
horn'd cattle, into a ftate bed- room for me and
Mrs. Sapling. Then the parlour is fo enlarg'd do
you know, it will now fup> a hundred enemies ?
Henry. Enemies ! You mean friends.
Sapling. No I don't I mean enemies to be
fure I thought as you did, and fo I told Mrs. Sap-
ling. Says I, " Now's the time, my life, to be re-
veng'd on your enemies mortify them, by not
afking them." " No," fays fhe, * I'll mortify
<c them by afking them ! the delight of vifiting
(c people is to vex each other, and my fuperior
" rooms will goad them to the foul ! Oh, yes :
and for friends, Mr. Sapling never enlarge
<c your parlour on their account a clofet will at
" any time hold them!" But with all this, mar-
riage has one inconvenience (Takes Henry afide).
I've been obliged to give up hunting, Henry.
Henry. Give up hunting, fir !
Sapling. Yes : Mrs. Sapling's late hufband ftu-
pidly broke his neck by it -, and now, if I were to
ride and rifle mine poor foul ! you can eafily en-
ter into her feelings, Henry. (In a melancholy tone.)
Henry (alfo in a melancholy tone). I can, fir:
Your ertate is in annuity, and if you fall, the whole
falls with you.
Sapling. No, fir that's not her motive 'tis
pure unbounded love, fir and therefore I've c&n-
ceal'd my pafiion for horfes, and parted with them
all all but my favourite hunter Arabella I keep
her privately from gratitude but hufh ! here's
b mv
iZ DELAY8 AW BLUNDERS,
my wife's friend Mr, Privilege ! not a word fife
to him, for they tell one another every thing.
Henry. Indeed ! and you not jealous ?
Sapling. Jealous T that's very well look who>
you're talking to * and know, that handfome people
are never jeaiops^-befides it's out it is'rt't in fa-
frion V
Enter Privilege through the Park Gates.
"Privilege. Oh, my dear fir you'll he Co fafci-
nated our charming Mrs. Sapling has cornpofed
fuch a grand duet for to-night's fete and I'm to
fing the principal part, and you and Mifs Honoris,
are co come and hear it rehearsed.
Sapling. And you alfo, Henry and to oblige
you as a ftranger, ihe mall play all her other mu-
fical compofitions her firft part of the efTay on
man half Clariffa Harlowe and the whole of
two German oratorios.
Privilege. Aye i and all my love verfes to Ho-
noria , who, by the bye, Sapling, I've at laft
nude up my mind to marry. I have, upon my
foul, Ma'am this morning I got my own confenr,
and as to afking yours, or any body's elfe, that'*
quite unneccflary becaufe, you know, I'm a prU
vileg'd man.
Henry. A pri vileg'd man, fir !
Privilege. Yes, fir : if you or any common jog-
trot perfon were to propofe in this manner, as
make love to married ladies, and run away with.
them or borrow money, and not pay it you'd
ftand a good chance of being fcouted, kick'd, and
hang'd for it: but ifl do thefe things, every body
laughs and exclaims " doa't mind hjm he's a
2 privileg'd
DELAYS AND BLUNDER*. l
privileg'd man I" now, fir, do you compre-
hend ?
Henry. I do, fir every body laughs at you, and
nobody minds you I hope, uncle, that's your opi-
nion ; but unluckily, I can't ftay to hear that, or
the mufic now no firft let me vifit poor St,
Orme.
Honoria. St. Orme !^-you know him then f
Henry. Intimately.
Honoria. I knew his wife, and therefore feel for
him. If that is your engagement, we mull fpare
you j but foon return you fee, I need your friend -
ihip alfo.
Privilege. Very likely : but I wouldn't advife
the gentleman to think of marrying you, or indeed
any body becauje now-a-days wives are fuch ex-
penfive articles, that none can afford them but pri-
vileg'd men. But come, Sapling, we forget the
duet, and your wife will be quite jealous at my
flaying.
Sapling. Jealous at your . ! Oh ! it's
all right I'm not fufpicious no fo fond a part-
ner and fo true a friend, may play duets as often as
they pleafe. You fee, Mr. Annuity ! (to Henry)
this is Honoria' s hufband !
[Exeunt -Honoria between Sapling and
Privilege, and looking back at Henry
Privilege Jlrutting and /mi ling con-
temp tuoujly on Henry.
Henry {looking after Honoria). 'Sdeath ! can (he
endure one moment fuch a flutterer ? If (he does,
I'll chop him into mefles. I'll but hold-r-hold
where's her ladyfhip all this time ? the tender,
the accomplilh'd Zounds! I wonder whether
there ever was fuch a thing as a man loving two
% women
10 DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
women at the fame time ? I'm afraid not. And
if there was, could any man ever manage two wo-
men at the fame time ? there's certainly no living
inftance fo, farewell Honoria farewell, thou dear
bewitching . Oh, damme what fignifies
talking here (he can't hear me at this diftance
fo every body fees going after her is no fault of
mine again. [Exit through the Park Gates.
IND OF THE FI&ST ACT,
\
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 21
ACT II.
SCENE. Infide of the County Gaol,
Enter St. Or me.
St. Orme, I cannot reft. Now as the awful hour
approaches, my fears accumulate beyond endu-
rance. Life I could yield up manfully j but to part
with thofe, that once and ftill might render life a
blefling my wife ! my child ! (hall I ne'er more
behold them !
Henry Sapling {without).
Where is he ? Where is Lieutenant St. Orme?
St. Orme. Ha ! Who's here ?
Gaoler {without). This way, fir.
Enter Henry and Gaoler.
St, Orme. Tis Henry, 'tis my friend !
Gaoler, There fir there is the prifoner. [Exit,
Henry. Chariest (takes bis hand and bur fis into
tears.) Damnation! I meant to behave like a
man, but the word <; prifoner" come back you
rafcal, and I'll leach you to make a Britifh failor
expofe himfelf.
St. Orme. Nay : your tears become you Henry ;
and if now they fall, what will they do when in a
few fhort days
Henry. Don't if you are guilty, don't utter it.
I won't hear it won't bear it never will be-
lieve that Charles St. Orme that my friend, would
fetk the life of any man.
Bj St.
ii delays and blunders.
St. Orme. Then you're deceiv'd I fought Sir
Frederick's life, and by this arm he fell !
Henry. Indeed !
St. Orme. Hear hear my vindication ! *Tis
how near eighteen years fince 1 my Amelia chofe
me for her hufband-$*and for this high ofFence, fhe
was deferted by her father- the rafli, yet wrong'd
Sir Frederick. We left the country-*- fled to Ame-
ricanand, by the fale of my commiffion, purchafed
an humble farm ; which till a year ago fupplied our
moderate wants. Then illnefs drove me from my
avocation ; and though Lauretta labour'd for out*
aid, diltrefs fo rapidly purfucd us, that my fond
wife -(till clinging to the wretch her family def*
pifed fet forth for England j and not ten months
paft, arriv'd alone, a beggar at that gate, that but
for me had ne'er been fhut againft her.
Henry. Well : go on. On feeing her, did her
father perfift ?
St. Orme. Oh>yes: with unabating rancour he
never could forgive my poverty and birth. And
now obferve, and fhudder as you hear it ! In a
few weeks he wrote me to America, that his
wrong'd daughter had detected my intrigues knew
I had fent her home, to carry on a low clandeftine
love and maddening at my falfehood and deceit,
was fever'd to delirium was infane ! I anfwer'd
haftily I knew not what, and flew to her affiftance.
I arriv'd 1 afk'd for her abode when* death
and fhame ! he faid the care of her was his alone,
and that a perjur'd hufband mould not fee her !
Henry. Not fee her !
St. Orme. No ; his aim was feparation : and to
fecure it, he defam'd me firft then robb'd me of
the power to juftify myfelf, and folace her.* What
could I do ? I knew the law would give me ample
juftice i but burning with impatience and revenge,
wa$
WELAYS AND BLUNDERS. ft 3
was I to wait a form fo tedious ? No I rufh'd
into his prefence my daughter follow'd to detain
-me I perfifted in my refolutidn, and demanded
fatisfaction this he declin'd I prefented him a
piftol he grafp'd it to defend his life which I
conceiving an acceptance of my challenge, and wild
with fury and with wrongs, fir'd ! he fell j and in
a few fhort months Oh my friend ! I fee you
tremble at my rafhnefs ; he was Amelia's father,
and I defer ve a death more terrible than his !
Henry, N6 ; I tremble from another caufe the
proof: who can give proof againft you ?
St. Orme. None* but my daughter ; and fhe U
purpofely concealed", if fhe remain fb till the trial's
paft, I'm free to trace and refcue her I love ; but
if fhe's found, I fall and fhe, poor girl her mo-
ther robb'd of reafon, and her father by her own
evidence ! Oh 1 I can bear all but this.
Henry. And fo can I : therefore good b'w'ye.
St. Or me. Why where are you going ?
Henry. To Sir Edward to your new anta-
gonift ; and I'll afk him civilly very civilly not
to fearch after Lauretta $ but if that won't do, and
he peffifts in forcing a daughter to convict her own
father talk of piftols, my dear fellow I'll fire off
all- the cannon in the navy. So go,; retire to your
chamber, and rely on me. But ftop flop as
J can't get on quickly, owing to this infernal bal-
laft [fulling out a purfe) do lighten me, will you?
do take part of a friend's load, Charles.
St. Orme. I thank you : but a ftranger has
foreftalled your generofity. .(produces a letter)
:See not an hour ago, I received this letter.
Henry. Prom a ftranger ! {reads) '* One, who
** pities the unfortunate, who was the friend of
'* Mrs. St. Orme, and fufpe&s that the pre lent
* 4 baronet protocutes you and fecretes her, Jblcly
B 4 " to
24 DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
" to keep pofifeflion of the large eftate fends you
c< the enclofed, in the wi(h that it may leffen your
cc afflictions, and afTift in reftoring you to her,
<c whofe beft hope is in your affections." Upon
my word, a charming correfpondent ! can't you
guefs ?
S7. Orme. Oh, yes : her mefTenger betray'd her
her name's Honoria Pembroke.
Henry. Honoria! my Honoria! don't fancy
I'm in love with her, Charles becaufe, you fee,
I'm in love with fomebody elfe ; but I tell you
what I wilh you'd let me keep this letter I mould
like to look at it now and then ; and if I thought
nobody look'd at me, I mould like {looking round
with anxiety) Oh, blefsher! {kijfing the letter vio-
lently') and if (he wereprefent, and the whole world
prefent, I'd ferve her in the fame manner. But
adieu ! and with fuch friends fear not fuccefs.
St. Orme. And with fuch friends I've confolation
if I fail ; for the beft paffport to a happier world is
approbation from fuch hearts as yours. Farewell!
[Exit.
Henry (JIM gazing on the letter). Oh ! who elfe
can wrire fuch lovely, fuch bewitching what
Other female hand can- Damme, there I go
again I forget her ladyfhipj and though fhe ne-
ver honour'd me with any fpecimens of her penman-
fhip, fuither than merely writing " Pay the bear-
er" yet with her elegant, accomplifh'd mind
Oh ! if fhe writes but as fhe talks then is her ftyle
all tendernefs all (as he is going
Enter Robert Grange*
Robert. Sir, your very humble feryant. They
told me you were here, and fo I did come to ax
your honour a bit of a queftion.
Henry. What ! a poor prifoner !
Robert*
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 2$
Robert. No j thank you kindly, fir at prefent I
do outdoor work with farmer Nightfhade at Ivy-
farm ; and he did fend me this morning to ax for
a new fcrving lad ; and fo I did think the belt place
ro hear of fuch a thing was the public-houfe and
who lhould I meet there, but Thomas ! your man
Thomas : and fo over a mug of ale -he ! he t
1 by gom ! if it's fhe, (he's a lucky la r sl
Henry. Who? who is lucky fir ?
Robert. Why Bell coufin Bell ro be fure. We
do think after getting her name chang'd to Mifs
This, and Miftrefs That, and Widow T'other,
than at laft fhe be come a real downright lady ; my
lady oh ay my Lady Senfible; and you fee, I
fhoujd like to Know the truth of the matter: be-
caufe if Bell a got this prefarment, it was'nt koind
and pretty of her, to let poor I (lay at plough or
her filler Sal cry matches and fell alincompain or
her brother Jack, for a flight pig affair, be fent
out of this very place to Botany-bay.
Henry. Blockhead ! Lady Senfiti'/e your
why, (he'd faint at the idea !
. Robert. Faint!
Henry. Ay: 'twould fo fliock her fenfibility
Robert. Senfibili what! (he do fob and
fcream and laugh and tumble ? by gom ! it's fhe!
Bell always had a deadly turn for fits and feeling
and flourifhing, owing to (making figns of drink-
ing) that'h the facl: I know it, you fee, becaufe
fince fhe left the farm I've been fomewhat in the
flourifhing way mylelf; but whilft fhe (laid, I had
no chance of any fenfibility at all.
Henry. Rafcal ! (collaring bim.)\( I wer'n't
this moment call'd away, I'd but I know your
mafter well ; and if he don't punilli you for this
audacious libel on the idol of my affections on
the lovely the divine Honoria !
Robert. Honoria ! nan !
Henry,
ft6 DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
Henry* On Lady Senfitive I mean plague on't!
to be between wind and water, is one thing-
between two fires, another but between two wo-
men \ oh Belzebub himfelf could not be cool in
the conteft ! [Exit.
Robert (clapping on his hat and Jlrutting.} It's
me ! coufin Bell's my lady ! and J dang it I
wonder what I be j I fuppofe a fort of a man of
honour at leaft mayhap, a kind of a half lord j
Something like the mayor of our town here. But
Hop now, Bob don't you be counting your eggs
before you are fure the thing's fartin. And where
to learn this ? Oh from his uncle FJ1 go afk
him diredlly ; and if I find I'm really of this pretty
koind of pedigree, and you come curling and col-
laring, Mifter Sapling I'd better take care
though what with practice and leiTons, 1 dare fay
Bell has taught him to try my fenfibilky that way
alfo. {Exit.
SCENE. An Apartment in Delauny Houfe.
Jn the Flat three Gothic Windows formed of
Tranfparencies the Centre Window exhibiting
the Fainting of the cc Veftal buried alive," very
large and marking the two other Windows of a
le/s Size, with any fancied 'Tranfparencies.
Being Night, the Windows are not illuminated.-
On one Side is a Picture not finifhed, with Appa-
ratus for Painting ; on the other a Table, with
BookS) Papers, and Candles upon it. -Sir Edwar d
Delauny and Paul PosTvoxEdifaovered fitting
near it.
Sir Edw. Yes, fir ! my conduct needs not vin-
dication j I can avow it to the world. On my
acceffion to the title and eftate, I found this wretch
imprifoned for atrocious murder his wife confin'd
tjfeLAYs and blunders^ *lj
for lunacy incurable ; and whilft refpect for him I
reprefent bids me feek vengeance on the vile
affaflin, humanity ftill prompts me to fecrete the
wretched, loft Amelia.* Am I notjuftified in both?
Paul. Why, I don't like off-hand opinions, Sir
Edward j my plan is to recur to law books: but
I rather fancy you've no power over the lunatic.
Sir Edw. No ! Then read Sir Frederick's
will made on the morning of his death. (Reads.)
<{ I die in peace with my unhappy daughter, and
*' in the cafe of her recovery bequeath her my
" eftate for life ; but to preferve it from her
<f huflband's power, I nominate my nephew her
<c truftee, and on her death devife the whole to
* f him." Now, is Ihe not at my difpofal ? and
if the villain mould efcape from juftice, fhall he
-e'er know the place of her confinement? No
never.
Paul. Never 1 .
Sir. Edw. No till they can prove file's re-
ftor'd to reafon and that's a hopelefs profpect : *
iione dare arraign me! *But, to prevent his ever
interfering, let us fecure conviction ; and this wit-
>nefs on whole fole evidence his fate depends
this ftage-ftruck daughter, who profeffionally
knows all arts, all ftratagems oh ! if (he 'fcape
-our fearch, is there no other way ?
Paul. None ! no witnefs no verdict.
Sir Edw. Then let me hafte again to feek her;
and if found of courfe you have prepar'd the
necefTary procefs.
Paul. What pro oh 1 aye: the fubpcena-.
No i I've been fo taken up with other parts of the
cafe but I'll tell you what I'll fill it up this
moment (going towards the table) this moment
^mu/icwitbffut). Heh! where's that delightful mufic?
Sir
t$ DELAYS AND BLUNDER?.
Sir Edw. In the next room and they'll difturb
and interrupt you. I'll ftop them as I pafs.
Paul. Don't, on my account. I like rmufic - *
often fing a merry fong myfelf and as there's
nothing elfe, after filling up this little affair 'gad,
I'll make one amongft them {fitting down and
beginning to write).
Sir Edw. You forget the pleadings are not
half prepar'd, and every moment of your time is
precious (as be is going, enter Honoria). Ho-
noria ! what brings you here ?
Honoria. I come by Mrs. Sapling's orders, to
paint a copy of that reprelentation of the " Veftal
buried alive."
Sir Edw. Well, well, difpatch for it fhall be
remov'd the fight is hateful to me.
honoria. Why hareful, fir?
SirEdzv. Why? Oh nothing, nothing but yon-,
der's my folicitor ; and mind thatyou difturbhimnot.
And now, fir be but as aftive and as zealous as
the caufe delerves, and our fuccefs is certain {Exit,
Honoria previoujly feats her/elf, and begins
fainting^ unjeen by Paul be during the time is
writing).
Paul. I'll be aclive I'll now that I call a
complete idle country gentleman, who will let
nobody have any pleafure but himfelf', however,
only let me fill up this infernal procefs, and fee if
1 aVt in the thick of the mufical party j for after
fuch a fag as this, devil's in't if I mayn't en}oy
myfelf j and mufic's a thing I'm doatingly fond of.
So " Herefordshire to ; wit" (writing}. "Lovely,
lovely Cbloe !" (finging.)
Honoria (painting). Upon my word extremely
well pray iing on, fir.
Paul. Sing on ! (Locks up, fees ber y and /miles),
Biefs
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS; 20,
Blefs my foul another thing I'm fo doatingly fond
of! and look here now I havVt even time to
oh, you little rogue ! I only wifh it were the long
vacation but as it is " Herefordfhire to wit,"
"Lovely, lovely Chloe!" {writing and finging.")
Honoria. That's right : you've an excellent
voice, and I'd rather you'd do any thing than carry
on this cruel profecution {rifes and comes down the
ftage). Perhaps by fome neglect of his, St. Orme
might (till be fav'd I'll try Oh ! Lord, here's
my guardian !
Enter Sapling with manufcript mufic in his hand.
Sapling. Oh, my dearHonoria! what fhall I
do ? where fhall I go ? whom (hall I apply to?
Poor Mrs. Sapling and poor Mr. Privilege !
Honoria. What's the matter, fir? any accident!
Paul {putting thefubpcena in his pocket, and com-
ing on the other fide of Sapling). Aye ! what's the
matter, fir ? any accident?
Sapling. Dreadful ! he's taken hoarfe ! now an
hour before thft fylvan fete, Mr. Privilege is taken
hoarfe, and there's an end of his and my wife's duet.
Paul. An end of their duet !
Sapling. Yes : I offer'd to take his part here
{pointing to the paper) : but it feems my voice is
too natural. They fay I'm no finger, becaufe I
don't quaver, and jerk, and twift my body, and
make horribly ugly faces and it's very wrong of
them I know it's all affectation for I'm fure in
their hearts, they'd rather hear fuch a queer fellow
as I am, fing w Old Ramjudrah," than all the
fine flourifhing fongs in the univcrfe.
Paul. So they would and at the end, applaud,
as I applaud at the opera.
Sapling. What ! do you applaud at the opera?
5 Paul.
JO DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
Paul, Always for joy that it's over. But
you want a fubftitute do you ? {Looking at themufic
chuckling andjmiling.)
Honoria. He does : and can't you recommend
one, Mr. Poftpone ?
Paul, I ! Oh fie, ma'am ! I hope you don't
infinuate
Honoria, Speak to him guardian his voice is
only equal'd by his modefty. Nay : you know
it's true: and by your own account, you've toil'd
enough for this day.
Paul. I have I've work'd like a horfe; and if
I thought the ladies wifli'd it {going to take the
vtuficfrem Sapling) but no Sir Edward will be
angry.
Sapling, Nonfenfe ! as mafter of the houfc
'twill be* doing him a favour.
Paul. Will it ?
Honoria. To be fure and you won't be out o/
the way you know.
Paul. No more I fhall ! (ftill chickling.)
Sapling. And if you refufe, a great finger mull
be font for at a great expence.
Paul. So there rouft and if I fiog a hundred
fongs, I can but charge 6 s. and 8 d. each ! cqme
along give me the part let fomebody play it over
-and once in my life, I will relax for half an hour.
Sapling. There's a noble lawyer for you t Oh I
wifli I had known you fooner you ftiould have
^rawn my marriage fettlement.
Paul. Never mind where there's law and
parchment before marriage, there's generally law
and parchment after; and if $ny little accident
fhould happen (whijpers him)- between our-
felves, now-a-days married people are the beft
cheats, But come* and don't be afraid of my
being
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. Jf
being natural no my voice is like an rnftru-
ment.
Sapling. Ah ! that's the true ftyle. But, begging
your pardon, if it be the faffaion for fine fingers to>
refemble inftruments, I wifh there were inftru-
ments to refemble fine fingers : then they might
be had at a lefs price would be free from colds
and hoarfenefTes and inftead of Venice and Naples,
they might be manufactur'd at Sheffield and Bir-
mingham. [Exeunt.
SCENE. A Road. In the hack Ground, large
Gates opening to a Park the Trees at a diftancs
arejeen illuminated an Orchefira alfo all mark"
ing a Sylvan Fete. Stage partly darkened.
Enter Sir Epward Delauny and Ser vant through
the Gates.
Sir Edw. Difcover'd, fay you ! go on repeat
the joyful, welcome tidings.
Servant, Yes fir j we faw her fteafing out of
yonder wood : and fo whilft William ftaid to watch
and to obferve her, I came to afk your further
orders.
Sir Edw. And you are fure it is Lauretta St.
Or me !
Servant. Quite fir ; we recollect her on the fa-
tal morning and fee ! fhe comes this way.
Sir Edw. Wifh'd for, enchanting fight ! go-
inform my fojicitor -bid him come inftantly, and
bring the procefs that fecures her I'll ftay myfelf,
and guard her. [Exit Servant through the gates.
Enter
3ft Delays and blunders*
Enter Lauretta St. Or me.
Lauretta. Oh, thanks to that fhdtering wood*
that hitherto has thus preferv'd me ; and if I reach
again my lone retreat, none but a father's voice >
"ha! What lights are thofe ? furely I hav'nt loft
oh yes fear, and the darknefs of the night,
have quite milled me' Heavens ! let me fly
Sir Edw, {advancing before her.) Stay pafs not
I command you.
Lauretta, Oh ! for mercy !
Sir Edw, Mercy ! from whom ? from him who
reprefents Sir Frederick! (Lauretta Jkews vio-
lent agitat(on) Ay : behold your mortal, deadly
foe; who long has fought, but now will never lofe
you.
Lauretta (trying to crofs him). You cannot
you will let me pafs! confider, by detaining me,
you make me guilty of the very crime of which
you charge my father. He gave me life: wjll
you compel me to deftroy his ?
Sir Edw. Peace ! I'm refolv'd.
Lauretta (falling at his feet). JLookat me 'tis
faid I bear a Itrong refemblance to my mother
my poor ill-fated mother ! and fhall my rafhnefs
rob her of a tender hufband's care ? Look do I
not remind you ?
Sir Edw. You do and therefore is your pre-
fence ftill more hateful. Yes: (he firft debafed
our noble houfe's name, by marrying with this
outcaft.
Lauretta (flill kneeling). She ! do you cenfutc
her !
Sir Edw, I do ; and to complete the degrada-
tion, did me not abroad expofe her daughter on a
public ftage I
Lauretta,
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 33
Lauretta, How !
Sir Edw. Train her difgracefully in that low,
mimic fchool -
Lauretta {fifing). No, fir that fault was mine
I faw her perifhing for want my father helplefs
and infirm and though, as a woman, moft profef-
fions are denied me, theftage was (till before me I
and I fhall ever blefs thofe kind approving hearts
that fanction'd my attempts; nor call that path
difgraceful, that leads a daughter to fupport her
parents.
Sir Edw. Have a care dare not to vindi-
cate
Lauretta. Sir ! the ftage requires not vindica-
tion Is it a crime to labour to inftruct and
entertain r Is there in Shakfpeare's hallow'd lines,
iuch ignorance and vice, that 'tis degrading to re-
peat them ? No, fir : the day of prejudice is part
in public life, let there be private virtue, and
the poor player will be more refpected, than thofe
who cenfure and defpife her !
Enter Henry Sapling.
Henry. So ihe is and every body fliould refpecT:
actors becaufe they always pay fuch handfome
compliments to us Britifh failors.
Lauretta. Heavens ! Mr. Henry !
Sir Edw. Ay, fir what brings you here ?
Henry. I came to claim your promife, Sir Edward
as vifitor at your houfe, by my uncle's intro-
duction, you bade me afk for what I like now t
don't afk fuch ferious favours of you, as fhooting
or fiftiing on the bell part of the manor becaufe,
I've heard, it only puts you country gentlemen to
the trouble of whifpering your game-k-cper, to take
* c one
J4 DJSLAYS AND BLUNDERS.
one to your neighbour's grounds no in the way
of fport, I (imply beg leave to carry off this bird of
paflage ! (taking Lauretta'j band.)
Sir Edw. 'Sdeath, fir ! I infift (going to pari
them.)
Henry. And I infift, fir ! I knew her in a
country where there are fome favages j but none
bad enough to wilh her to convifl her father or
if there were, do you think I'd fuffer it ? no I'm
afraid of only one human being, and as fht's at an
agreeable diftance, I wifh you good night, Sir
Edward.
Sir Edw. Hold, fir defift ! (Noife offiamping
with feet without, Sir Edward looks round.) Ha !
I defy you now for here comes one veiled with
legal power to fecure her I Dare you contend
againft the law ?
Henry. No but I dare run from it and I'm
fure you ought to thank me, Sir Edward : for now
you may enjoy your evening's fete but if I hadn't
reliev'd you from this little burthen, (pointing to
Lauretta,) all the mufic of the fpheres couldn'e
have cheer'd you come, Lauretta this is the firft
time I ever fled from an enemy; but if by my re-
treating you efcape, 'twill be the proudeft victory
I ever gain'd ! [Exit with Lauretta.
Enter immediately from the Park Gate Paul
Postpone, the MS. Mufic in his Hand.
Sir Edw. Now, fir are you completely ready ?
Paul. Quite, fir" To arms, to arms"
(Humming tune, and then recoilefting him/elf.) Oh,
I beg pardon, I thought it was Mr. but I
perceive now; you want the fubpcena here it is
all prepaid you fee.
ii Sir
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 35
Sir Edw. I do and look, yonder goes Lau-
retta follow her make fure of her ; and, left her
champion fhould moleft you, and my appearance
may be thought vindictive, I'll feek and fend af-
fiftance. Away lofe not a moment my happi-
nefs, my reputation nay, my life depends on
your fuccefs. \_Exit.
Paul. I'll do it. I'll ferve the procefs in fpite
of her and all her champions. (As he is going a
flour ijh of grand martial mufic is heard.") Blefs my
ibul ! it's beginning ! the mufic is beginning ! and
now at the moment, when I mould have cut fuch
a figure ! Was there ever fuch an infernal la-
borious profefiion ? {looks out.) Yes: there they
are all leated all the fweet beautiful ladies, wait-
ing to applaud my vocal and inftrumental powers-
dear ! dear ! Wouldn't it be time enough to ferve
the fubpcena early to-morrow morning ? I've
often put it off till the laft moment ; and ho mart
living has ever loft I mean, gain'd, more caufes
than I have done. But then, Sir Edward and his
reputation ! Oh I muft go after her.
Enter Sapling through the Park Gates , hajlily.
Sapling. Oh, Lord ! I'm fo glad I've found you.
Come along (taking his arm.) The fweet crea-
tures are all on the tip-toe of expectation.
Paul. I know it. So am I but look, look at
that tormenting witnels.
Sapling. Witnefs ! Where ? I fee nobody.
Paul. Don't you! faith ! no more do I.
Sapling. No : whoever they are, they're fafely
out of fight for this night. So nonfenfe ! (tuff!
put it off till day-light j and now it's the afiizes,
c 2 recolleft
^6 DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
recollect you've a right to enjoy yourfelf ! Isn't
it a part of the bufinefs to have balls concerts
Paul. So it is j and if barrifters partake of them,
why not attornies ? damme, I won't be the (lave
I have been ! I'll let my genius take its bent;
and if it ordains me mufical, it's a better trade than
mine more profit lefs trouble
Sapling. Ay : and as a reward for your labours,
applaufe and repetition ; but in law ! now I only
afk, Who ever claps a declaration ?
Paul. No : or who ever encores a bill in Chan-
cery ? come along." To arms ! to arms ! we
heroes cry. Huzza ! to viftory !" [Exeunt finging
to grand martial mujic, which continues after the
dropping of the curtain.
END OF THE SECOND ACT.
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 37
ACT III.
SCENE. An Apartment in Delauny Hou/e.
Enter Mrs. Sapling and Honoria.
Mrs. Sapling. Pofitively, Honoria, I will not
liften to you. You really muft marry Mr. Privi-
legeand foon very foon i for my own wedding
is gone by, and I begin to want fomething new
dreadfully.
Honoria. Nay, madam : when I've told you that
from early life, my hearc has been another's -
Mrs. Sapling. Simple thing! (he don't know
that hearts have been our, ever fmce pin-money and
feparate eftablifhments came in. And furely you
don't compare the elegant Mr. Privilege with this
barbarous failor gentleman ? In the firft place,
the man has no voice.
Honoria. No, ma'am : no more has Mr. Sap-
ling.
Mrs. Sapling. No voice! my hufband!-
Oh, I undeiftand you mean that I play the firft
inftrument ? Vaftly well !- and fo you (hall find,
ma'am though a widow though not quite fo
young and ftriking as Mifs Honoria there is
now-a-days this confolation old women never go
by and whilft my voice lafts, neither his nor
yours fliall be heard, I promife you.
Honoria. No, madam : and till my guardian
c 3 fliall
2$ DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
fliall affert his rights, I have no hope of happinefs
or Henry. [Exit.
Mrs. Sapling. None if 'twere only for his in-
folent infmuations. Brute ! monfter ! to
fpeak fuch home truths to fay I dreaded feeing
my hufband on horfeback, becaufe his fortune was
in annuity, when every body knows my love for
poor little Sappy is fo violent fo
Enter Paul Postpone and Sapling.
Paul. I fay the fault's yours and fo I'll tell my
client again and again.
Sapling. Then I fay you are a bafe flanderous
perfon.
Mrs. Sapling. Mercy ! What's the matter,
gentlemen ?
Paul, The matter, ma'am ! Why the afiizes
have began ; and owing to this feducing deceiver,
our only witnefs has efcap'd. You know it, fir.
You bade me put it off till day-light j and now, for
the firft time, I fhall be fet down as an idle, difli-
pated *
Sapling. And fo you ought for the mufic
didn't content you no you muft dance alfo and
play billiards alfo and bet againft time alfo.
Paul. Don't you talk of betting againft time ?
Didn't you offer to trot on your own feet againft
poft horfes ; and draw chaifes with your own hands
againft dray horfes? In fact, didn't you fo com-
pletely prove yourfelf a four-legg'd animal, that at
fupper, when you afk'd for ham and fowl, the com-
pany beg'd you'd ftand on no ceremony, but call
for hay and corn as if you were alone ?
Enter Servant.
Servant. Sir, we have trac'd young Mr. Sap-
ling
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS, 29
Hng and the lady they took the road towards Ivy
Farm and Mifs Lauretta is difguis'd in boy's
clothes.
Paul. Difguis'd in boy's clothes !
Servant. Yes, fir in a green coat white waift-
coat round hat
Paul (writing it down in memorandum book).
Enough -, that, with her effeminate appearance, is
full defcription. Shew the way, and, free from dif-
fipated company, I'll fecure her. -- (Looking at
Sapling.) Madam, yours. If at any time you
want legal redrefs and with fuch a fafhionable huf-
band, the thing's not at all unlikely there's my
card : neat houie and charming accommodation
for you and the female part of the family; but for
the male extremely forry, but there's no liable
on the premifes. [Exit*
Sapling. Stable \ Make me out a four leg'd ani-
mal ! Excufe me, my dear but nobody (hall
take fuch liberties with me but yourfelf. Befides,
to fuppofe I'd even name a horfe, when
Mrs. Sapling. Oh, the odious creatures ! for
Heaven's fake, don't let them make me a difcon-
folate widow a fecond time, Mr. Sapling.
Sapling. They fha'n't. You Iha'n't be a widow,
my darling and what's more, Honoria fhall be a
wife (he fhall marry Privilege directly ; and as
for Mr. Henry leave him to me I've laid a
train that will blow him out of water.
Mrs. Sapling. A train !
Sapling* Mum ! He keeps a lady. -Robert
Grange, a Yorkfhireman, informs me he keeps a
coufin of his in London ; fo what do you think I've
done ? fent Robert off exprefs ; bid him tell his
coufin of Henry's love affair with Honoria and
then you know, down comes her ladyfhip (he
c 4 gives
40 DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
gives it him one way Honoria another Robert
another
Mrs. Sapling {laughing). So they do. Poor
wretch ! What will become of him?
Sapling. Aye : he may (land againft the can*
non's roar ; but two jealous women, back'd by a
Yorkfhireman damme, the roclt of Gibraltar
could not refifl: their artillery.
Mrs. Sapling. Oh delightful ! Mr. Privilege
is now in the parkj and I'll immediately inform
him. But though this is very well for fuch wo-
men as Honoria and her felf-created lady/hip; it
won't do in fafhionable lifeyou'll never find me
jealous, Mr. Sapling.
Sapling. No nor me, my dear. When J hint
that you fometimes fpeak and look too kindly on
your admirers it isn't jealoufy ! no it's pity
general pity for mankind. I wifh you to be
merciful, and fpare thofe murdering fmiles
Mrs. Sapling. Do you ? Well ! Perhaps I
will be merciful adieu ! You really improve
every hour, Mr. Sapling. \_Exit Jmiling.
Sapling. I do ! I'm finifh*d ! it's very odd,
though if I weren't convinced that jealoufy was
out of fafliion, I mould be fometimes like Othello
quite black in the face with it ! for here's Mr.
Privilege how can 1 te!) but (lie may go on
pitying nim, till every body pities me. Very well 1
I know how to be even with her I can go hunt-
ing and break my neck at any time.
Enter Groom.
Groom. Sir ! Sir ! Your favourite hunter
Sa^.ing. Hulh! lower or your miftrefs may
hear you.
Groom,
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 41
Groom. Sir, your poor mare Arabella, is fo low
fpirited for want of hunting, that I do think the
next time I take her to the river, (he'll coolly lay
down, and drown herfelf.
Sapling. Poor Arabella ! fhe's a charming
goer ; and if your miftrefs would give me an op-
portunity, William but no fhe's fo loving fo
dutiful fo conusant
Greom. Ah ! -it's a thoufand pities, fir but
perhaps miftrefs mayn't be always fo, fir.
Sapling. No ! Why not, fir ? Have you
heard any thing ?
Groom. Not at ppefent, fir but I hope for the
beft.
Sapling. You do j do you ? Leave the room.
No (top follow me to the library, and I'll give
you a prefcription for the mare : and as to your
wilhing your mailer to be a ; no, fir, I am
fufficiently fafhionable without that embellifh-
ment. [Exeunt.
SCENE. A lone Farm-Houfe, with much marked
Desolation around it.
EnterHniRY Sapling <3*/Lauretta St.Orme.
Lauretta is difguifedin Boy's Cloaths.
Henry. Come, come, cheer up. Look yon-
der's Ivy Farm the lone fequefter'd houfe we are
in fearch of; and thus difguis'd, and introduc'd as
fervant to the farmer
Lauretta. Aye : but the time the time !
think in a few fhort hours, my father will be fum-
mon'd to the awful fcene, and if he blefies not the
daughter who preferves him, he'll curfe the parri-
cide whofe raihnefs has deftroy'd him. Oh ! I
can't
42 DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
can't bear the recollection. Hide me from heaven,
the world, and from myfelf.
Henry. No I'll only hide you from your ene-
mies Hufh (land afide fomebody approaches.
(They retire behind the wing.)
Enter from theHoufe Sternly and Farmer ' Night-
shade. -
Sternly. Enough I'll tell Sir Edward. Good
day !
Night/hade. Good day !
Sternly. Remember now be more than ever
wary.
Night/hade. Fear not this fecures me (/hewing
furfe, and exit Sternly): but plague on't j I
can't manage without a fervant ; and this York-
fhire rafcal that I lent for onewhat the devil is
become of him ?
Henry (locking out from behind the wing). It's
he! I know him now (comes forward with Lau-
retta). So, Matter Nightfhade, you want a
ftrvant, don't you ?
Nightjloade. I do, Squire Sapling want one
mainly and fent my ploughman
Henry. I know it and I've brought one fee
(pointing to Lauretta) I'm fure you'll take my
recommendation.
Nightfhade. That I will, fir and thank you for
this timely fervice j befides, I like the lad's
countenance he looks difcreet and trufty : come
along, boy. Only this, fir I hope he don't mind
folitude we fee nobody at Ivy Farm.
Henry. All the better is'nt it, boy ? there
now you're fafe, till I inform your father, and
return {afide to Lauretta). Adieu! You've
got a trealure, Nightfhade.
Nightfhade,
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 43
Night/hade. I think I have, fir and as
to my lazy Yorkfhireman if he don't come home
directly, he fhan't come home at all.
Henry. And ferve him right (Nightshade and
Lauretta exeunt). Low-lifed, fcurrilous block-
head ! I dare fay he is now all the time at the
public-houfe, boafting that he's coufin to a lady.
Well with all my heart I only know it is impof-
fible he can be a coufin to my lady. Yes :
there's a native elegance a fort of noble inde-
fcribable and I'd a dream that fo reviv'd and
rivetted my love (going.') Heh ! who is walking
yonder with that coxcomical By heaven ! He*.
noria, and the hufband they defign her ! and fee
he kneels to her he kiflfes her hand and fhe
permits it ! So, fo (he likes him fhe prefers
him ! Oh ! after all, give me the woman who
turns off cooks and lap-dogs; not her who felects
privileg'dmen and that decides it. I'm for her
ladyfhip and London.
Enter Thomas hajiily.
Thomas. Sir, Lady Senfitive has fent me pofi>
hafte with this letter.
Henry, I'm glad on't. I long to hear from her
I figh to fee her dear delicious hand ! Oh, that
that for the falfe Honoria's letter ( taking it
from his pockety and throwing it down). Now
let me dwell on a fuperior compofuion {reads).
*' You know too well my tender nature; and if
* f you do not fet off for London direftly, you will
" never fee me more." Sweet innocent ! how
I have negleded her ! (reading on.) " Never, you
" faltwater favage ! Thanks to your uncle, Bob
is arriv'd my Yorkfhire coufin Bob, fir ! and
if
44 DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
* { if you don't quit this Mifs Honoria Thingam-
" bob, I'll come down flioot you ftab her
" and poifon myfelf ! My head goes round and
(t round 1 write this between my fits and have
*' already emptied the laudanum, hartfhorn, and
e all the other bottles in the houfe. Your's, &c.
f A. Senfitive." Pheugh ! (trembles and lets
the letter fall.') I fhall have a fit myfelf Thomas!
you don't believe that is her ladyfhip's hand, do
you, Thomas ?
Thomas, Sir, I faw her write it.
Henry, Did you, Thomas ? Perhaps then I
didn't read it rightly I'll juft look again (Takes
up Honoria's letter bymiftake, andreads). " One
* c who pities the unfortunate who was the friend
U of Mrs. St. Orme," Confufion, fhame
(hurfis into tears), Oh fool ! fool ! And you,
iir you, who mull have known this grofs decep-
tion -
Thomas. Nay, fir what could I do ? nothing
would open your eyes nothing ! for don't you
remember, in one of her faimings, when you lent
for the great phyfician ?
Henry. I do and 'llead of phyfic, he prefcrib'd
bank notes ; and on putting a twenty pound one
info her hand, (he leer'd at it, jump'd up and
went fhoppin^ diredlly ! Oh, 1 perceive it now
brought up at fea and in the country, I know but
little of the world, and never (hali- feeing no joy
in guilt myicif, i can't conceive how others fhould
purfue ir.
Thomas. Aye* but how will you flop her, fir ?
fhe'ii come down and kill us all, and Oh
Lord j here fhe is I'm frighten'd out of my
fcnfes.
flerry. Frighten'd !- at what, blockhead ?
(trembling
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 45
{trembling and turning away.) Look out does
fhe feem very violent ?
Thomas. No, fir Now I look again, it feems
a different perfon.
Henry (looking). Yes : it is a different perfon
Honoria flying from her lover ! treating hirti
with fcorn and indignation ! and look here now
I'm more afraid of her than of the other j I can't
encounter her kind virtuous fmiles, becaufe I feel
I don't deferve them I'm all perplexity and fear
pick up the letter come along this moment ;
and if you'd never be the wretch that I am, take a
wife, Thomas Oh, there's rapture in the word
a uife to me is a fhip well man'd, a profperous pi-
lot, a fuccefsful voyage, victory, prize money,
and firft lord of the admiralty.
[Exit with Thomas.
Enter Honoria hafiily.
Honoria. Gone ! avoid me ! leave me to the
mercy of this infulting coxcomb ! Surely it was
Henry : but perhaps he faw me not ; or if he did,
knew not the ferious danger I'm expofed to.
Alone, unprotected, and menac'd by an artful
wretch, whofe heart's unmanly as his form ; who,
with a look effeminate, conceals a fa v age and fero-
cious mind. How (hail I (hun him ? how reach
home in fafety ?
Enter Paul Postpone and Servant.
Paul. Very well, that's Ivy Farm ; and Lau-
/etta is difguis'd in a green coat, white waiftcoat,
round hat enough. Tell Sir Edward that the wit-
6 nefs
46 DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
nefs is fecure, and, in law or in mufic, that Paul
is firft fiddle.
Honoria. Oh, Mr 4 Poftpone, I'm Co glad to fee
you. Now I'm fafe I'm fure you'll give pro-
tection to a timid, helplefs woman.
Paul. That I will but as I told you before,
it muft be in the long vacation I hav'n't a mo-
ment now unlefs, indeed Lord ! (he's quite
overcoming and, if I thought witnefs wouldn't
cfcape again but no, no away, Cupid ! Re-
member it's the affizes.-^-(Cr^j Honoria to go
into Farm-Houfe.)
Honoria. Then I muft protect myfelf for yon-
der's my tormentor, {till feeking to infult me Sir,
I (hall not reproach you, but when expos'd to in-
folence and peril
Paul (not regarding her, but looking out). Oho !
are you there, my little f< toll de roll loll."
(Singing and capering. )
Honoria. How ! treat me with ridicule and
fcorn ? Oh Henry ! is it not hard that none have
feeling to defend and fave me ? [Exit,
Paul (Jlill looking out and recurring to his pocket
book). Green coat ! white wailtcoac 1 round hat !
" toll de roll loll."
Enter Privilege hajlily,
(N. B. Previoufly to this Scene, he mufl appear in
Green Coat, &c. Jo as to rejemble Lauretta's
Drejs as nearly as pojfible. )
Privilege. There fhe goes. Oh Lord ! how I
am fatigu'd ! But I'll after her !
Paul {coming before him, fmiling, and putting
bis hat before ha face with one hand, and with the
ether
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 47
other offering the fubpcena). Take it, will you ?
I'm naturally fo modeft and Really the
very thought makes me blufh fo, that upon my
foul I'm afham'd to look at you. Take it, will
you ?
Privilege. Afham'd to look at me ? Why who
the devil are you ? and what's this ?
Paul. The fubpcena, you cunning little rogue !
and the next time you difguife yourfelf, do it bet-
ter for to pay you the compliment that's due to
you, fo far from any thing coarfe or mafculine,
curfe me if ever I faw a more feminine delicate crea-
ture in my life s never ; and I (han't want gallantry
no, as you are fatigu'd, you (hall have a horfe ;
and hark'ye, a nice foft fide faddle !
Privilege (cr ' offing him). Standby, fir; this is
fome contrivance of Honoria's, but it fhan't amufe
me from my purpofe; no, I'll inftantly purfue her :
and for you, fir ; dare not to follow me* dare not
to affront a privileg'd man. [Exit.
Paul. Man ! that's a good joke ; as if nature
ever meant fuch a thing as that, for one of my noble
gender? And as to her (trusting and bluftering;
does (he think I don't know one fcx from another ?
Pooh; go where (he will, I'll go after her; and
bring her before the Court, if it's only for a libel
on the nation ; for if it confided of no better men
than (lie is, we (hould be all Bond-ftreet beaus,
men-milliners, butterflies, and jackadandies. [Exit.
SCENE Infide of the Farm Hcu/e, Stairs leading to
a large dark- colour 'd Door, a great Iron Cham
acrojs it, Chairs, Table with a Jug upon it.
Enter Nightshade and Lauretta St. Orme.
Nightjhade. Aye aye, if you like retirement,
this
4$ DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
this is the houfe for you. In the firft place, yo'tr
are never to ftir out; and when I do, you are to
expect to be lock'd in.
Lauretta. Lock'd in, fir !
Nigbtjhade. Ay : and you are not to write let-
ters or receive any ; and on no account to admit
vifuors.
Lauretta. No, fir !
Nigbtjhade. No you are to fee nobody, but
myfelf, a nurfe, and another perfon : look at that
door, that with the chain acrofs it.
Lauretta. 1 fee, fir j you terrify me beyond de-
fcription : let me go.
Nigbtjhade. Nonfenfe ! 'tisn't to imprifon
you j no, 'tis fecur'd in that manner for fecret pur-
pofes ; and, when affiftance is requir'd, you muft be
ready to afford it. And now, I've told you your
employment, do as your predecefTor us'd to do
come, (fitting down and taking the jug), enliven me
with a long.
Lauretta {looking at the door with great agita-
tion). Sir, I 1
Nigbtjhade. Nay, 1 am matter here, and will
not be refus'd fing, I infift j it will amufe us all.
Lauretta fings Nightshade falls ajleep.
SONG.
Once happy in a peaceful home,
Of Fortune's gifts I aflt'd no other ;
A prifon's now my father's doom ;
And fay, oh fay, where art thou, mother r
If thou haft prefs'd a lucklefs bier
Of vidians, Death ! Oh take another ;.
Or, if immur'd in cavern drear,
Boldly I'll fly to fave my mother.
{After
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 49
{After the fong, voice within), Lauretta!
Lauretta. Ha ! that voice !
{Voice within). Help ! help, Lauretta !
Lauretta. My mother, it is my mother's voice !
{running towards door and beginning to unbar it).
Night/hade (wakings ftarting up, and feeing her).
Hold Who bid you unbar the door ?
Lauretta. Inftin6t, which impels the offspring
to affift its parent ! (Lauretta throws back the
chain, door opens and discovers a dreary apartment,
lamp hanging in it -, Mrs. St. Orme fa/Is in Lau-
retta's arms.)
Nightfloade {advancing tojeize Mrs. St. Orme).
Stir not, (he's my prifoner.
Enter Henry Sapling.
Henry (feizing Nightshade). And you're
mine. If taknig prifoners be the plan, a Britifh
failor 'gainft the world, my boy.
Mrs. St. Orme. Lauretta ! though thus dif-
guis'd, I trace each well-known feature j and that
bounteous power that long fince blefs'd me with
returning health, reftor'd my harafs'd a id difor-
der'd mind, now makes me feel the blefllng ten
timts o'er ; for ] behold and know my child again.
Oh ! I'm moft grateful ! but that ftranger is he
not a foe ?
Henry. Heaven forbid, Madam.
Lauretta. No, he's the beft of friends, and will
conduct you to my father.
Mrs. St. Orme. Your father ! Never, never !
Lauretta. Never !
Mrs. St. Orme. No, his falfehood firft derang'd
me; and that he fince has doom'd me to captivity,
I have unanfwerable proof His letters oh, his
d letter
$0 DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
letter written to the late Sir Frederick, and mewrt
me by Sir Edward's agent.
Lauretta. His lerter !
Mrs. St. Orme. Ay, his! I knew the once
lov'd hand too well, and. the indelible and cruel
words can never be efFac'd. < I charge you to
confine her ; if fhe efcape, my mifery is evedaft-
rng." Oh ! this from him ! from him, the father
of Lauretta !
Henry Sapling. Madam, my life on*t, he is
wrong'd.
Mrs. St. Orme. No, fir, this, with his falfehood,
is fufficient proof j and I retort the aecufation of
derangement the road to happinefs is virtue; thofe
who forfake it are the truly mad,, and if this treat-
ment of a doating wife be not infanky, 'tis worfe,,
'tis vice, and I would rather pity than defpife him.
Henry. I fay again, he's wrong*d ; but this is
not a place for explanation ; let me conduct you to
fome fafer fpot. And for you, Mr. Solitude
you fee that fpare room ? fay two words and I'll
fhut you there, with no food but your reflections ;
no company but your confcience : they were this
fufFering lady's beft fopport but if you were a
navy, they'd fink you, hypocrite !
Enter Thomas, in great hajle end agitation.
Thomas. Sir 1 fir \ {whiff ering Henry).
Henry. Come ! arriv'd 1
Thomas. Yes, fir {whifpering again).
Henry. At the door ! in the low chariot with
her Y< rkfhire coufin ! and to catch me -with two
fuch lovely Oh, this will never do, I'll fneak
and hide myfelf {letting go Mrs. St. Game's
hand),
1 1 Lauretta*
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 51
Lauretta, How ! Do you hefitate ? Will you
at lad forfake us ? Look ! look on my mother.
Henry. I do and it's coming I'm fcrewing
myfelf up, I'm comparing my own paltry danger
with fuch diftrefs as hers, and your hand,
ma'am, I'm ready for action ! But, at the fame
time, there can be no harm in your (licking clofe,
Thomas.
Nightjhade. Hold, fir none ftir without my
leave.
Henry. Your leave ! that's a good joke when
I've made up my mind to engage a feventy-four,
do you think I'm afraid of a common cock-boat ?
go go before I infift, fir; and tell the enemy,
if they dare fight againft two veflfds fhipwreck'd
and diftrefs'd, they muft be cowards j and, fpite of
coufins, cuffs, cordials and faintings, I'll convey
both to harbour ! I, Henry, the friend of them,
of marriage, of Honoria ! [Exeunt.
SND OF THE THIRD ACT.
P *
52 DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
ACT IV.
SCENE. An Apartment in Delauny Houfe a
Door in the Flat leading to a Bed-Chamber*
Enter Privilege.
"Privilege. So: I've got clear of him I've at
laft efcap'd him and his fide-faddles, and fub-
pcenas, and I begin to fufpect his bufinefs now.
It's a writ he has got a writ againft me from fome
curft taylor or other j and if I'm arretted at this
moment, I lofe Honoria and her thirty thoufand
pounds ; but (he's fafe now j I'm fure to catch her,
before he catches me. No damme ! here's the
horrid brute again ! Where (hall I go ? {tries op-
pojite Jlage door.) This door's lock'd ! and yon-
der's Mrs. Sapling's bed-chamber fhe's not in it
though j or if fhe were, my character would there
bring me off; but with lawyers and bailiffs
fomehow I never could convince them I'm a pri-
vileg'd man. [Exit into chamber.
Enter Paul Postpone time enough 4oJee him.
Paul. I fee you my darling ! I fee you ; and
fhould have come up with you fooner; only I
ftop'd to look at a cricket match.. He ! he ! it's
pretty fport; (flawing money) and I fhould have
won more on the runs, than thefe two guineas,
only the dull dogs left off play to go to bufinefs.
But now for it- {goes to the chamber door and tries
t9
BELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 5-J
to open it.) Foolifh little thing ! as if that would
fave her. Holloa ! there's the fubpcena under the
door that's a good fervice and thus 'the iron
hand of law (trying to force the door) But flop;
now in Sir Edward's houfe, and guarded by his
fervants, fhe may be fafer here than under my
protection (he will ! fo I'll ftep over to the town-
hall, fee how caufe (lands -, and then return, and
whi(k her like a whirlwind to the trial : and after
this, let no man charge me with the law's delay.
Never was fuch diligence and zeal.
Enter Sapling and Honoria.
Sapling. Come along j I know you meant to
elope. 1 know the letter was from Henry, and
when Mrs. Sapling has nam'd a hu(band for you,
how dare you love another man ?
Honoria. Nay, fir becaufe (he controls your
feelings, is fhe to command mine ?
Sapling. She is ; and I'll call her from her bed-
chamber and if you don't inftantly marry Mr.
Privilege {turning up the ft age.)
Paul {meeting him face to face). Oh fie ! fie !
force her to marry one man, when you know (he
loves another not that I allude to myfelf no
whether I am or am not the happy object of her
choice, this (he may depend on j I'll releafe her in
the long Vacation: and for you Mr. Sapling; don't
truft yourfelf near that chamber ; nor on any ac-
count peep through the keyhole; for fafhion able
as you are, you'll blu(h But I can't (lay to ex-
plain particulars : muil ftep over to the town-hall
fo, mum Don't you go near that chamber. \Exit.
Sapling. Not go near my wife's chamber ! not
peep through Oh Lord ! furely pooh, non-
d 3 fenfe j
4 DELAYS AND BLUNDERI.
fenfe; (he only treats poor Privilege as a play-
thing : and whilft other ladies make pets of cats,
puppies, and monkies on four legs, fhe chufes one
on two legs, that's all.
Honoria, And you'd have me marry a monkey,
fir ?
Sapling. Why not ? Put a monkey on a fhort
coat, long pantaloons, thick neckcloth, cropt wig,
large opera hat, and there's as good a hufband as
the beft of them ; and you (hall have him and
fpite of that fellow's fcurrilous infinuations, I'll
venture to call Mrs. Sapling yes I'll {half
afraid) hold, as ufual, let me announce my ap-
proach by an elegant tap (taps at the door.)
Privilege (within). Is it you, Mrs. Sapling ?
Sapling. What ?
Privilege (within). Is it you, my dear Mrs.
Sapling ? or is it that horrid brute ?
Sapling, It's he ! he calls me horrid brute !
There's the privileg'd man and here's the finifh'd
man ! Within there ! William I William !
Honoria (not having heard Privilege). What's
the matter, fir ? What are you doing?
Sapling (not regarding her). When I lov'd and
doubted, I was miferable; now I know I'm a hor-
rid brute, I'm completely comfortable. (Enter
Groom.) Come William, come and faddle Ara-
bellato horfe ! to hunting ! to the field, my boy !
Groom. What ! Have you got leave, fir ?
Sapling, No: I've taken leave. She has her
favourites I'll have mine ; come, and faddle Ara-
bella; and if being jealous is being ill-bred, fo
much the better; 1 hate fafhion; I like feeling;
fhe has cut me to the heart, William now I'll
break her's, and we'll be both buried in the fame
grave ! [Exit with Groom.
Honoria,
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 5$
Honoria. What can this fudden alteration mean?
No matrer, it gives me momentary fafetyj and I
may once more read my Henry's letter. (Reads.)
'* I have fo offended Sir Edward, that I dare noc
*' venture to his houfe ; but as I hope you take
" an intereft in my fate, I write to tell you, I am
** at the Star, a friall inn on. the Ikirts of the
" town, where I ^.ttj detain'd on fecret and impor-
" tant bufinefs. For Heaven fake, if you>- ene-
u mies continue their perfecutions, remember you
<c may command the friendfhip, heart, and life of
' your adorer, Henry."
Oh ! the wifh'd for hour is come at laft I know
I am belov'd by Henry and could I 'fcape this
hated roof {Here Privilege opens the chamber
door and peeps out) then mighc the hufband of my
heart be mine j not him whom cruel force decrees
me.
Privilege {advancing before her). Very likely ;
but you (han't efcape ma'am no (Jirutting about,
menacing, &v.) here I am, red hot with wrongs
and difappointments and dread my mighty and
refiftlefs anger. Yes: though in form diminutive;
in foul, Goliah was a dwarf to me! Anfwer me;
Is he not a failor, and would you prefer pitch and
tar, to the effence of tafte and politenefs ?
Honoria. Sir, I prefer feeling to foppery; man-
linefs to effeminacy ; and a poor failor, with nothing
but his fame to recommend him, to one who
thus difplays the valour that he boafts of
not in the fervice of his country; no, in infulting
unprotected women.
Privilege. And you'd be rafh enough to leave
.the houfe !
Honoria. I would ; the rafhnefs is in flaying
here here, where each moment teems with dan-
s' 4 g",
$6 DELAYS AND" BLUNDERS.
ger. Let me pafs let me feek him who is alone
my friend, and whom I'll follow through the world.
Privilege (feizing and detaining her.) Hold !
recollect where you are in mine and Mrs. Sap-
ling's power ; and till our marriage, this room fhall
be your prifon ! Ay : I'll fight him and his whole
fhip's company, fooner than
Enter Paul Postpone hajiily.
Paul Come along trial's on court waiting
witnefs call'd for nay : no delaying this way you
little rogue 1 this way. (Takes him in his arms, and
carries him off.)
Honoria. Alone ! in fafety ! now then for love
and Henry ! [Exit.
SCENE. The Outfide of the Town-Hall.
Enter Sir Edward and Servant.
' Sir Edw. She is fecur'd you fay !
Servant. Yes, fir ; and Mr. Poftpone bade me
inform you, he was fo fure of fuccefs, that, no
dourjt, by this time, the prifoner is convicted.
Sir Edw. Then I am fafe. It never can be
proved, he died a natural death (afide.) Go,
watch the trial, and when his doom is certain, be
fwift as lightning to inform me. (Servant exit.)
Oh yes : Lauretta's evidence is final, for he who
proffer'd medical advice, and knew the wound
ne'er caufed Sir Frederick's death, is purpofely
abroad. I live again mv character isunimpeach'd
St. Orme will never meddle or torment me, and
his Amelia and her proud eftate are ftill at my
difpofal.
Enter
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 57
Enter Paul Postpone.
Paul. So Sir Edward Have you heard ?
SirEdw. I have. I've heard that you fecur'd
Lauretta, and that fecures my triumph,
Paul. No ; it don't : for owing to my extreme
zeal and activity, inftead of a lady in boy's clothes,
it turns out, I fubpeena'd a little man ! and fo, for
want of evidence, the prifoner is acquitted.
Sir Edw Acquitted !
Paul. Ay ; to the joy and fatisfaclion of the
whole court : for they whifper'd ftrange (lories of
Sir Frederick dying a natural death ; and when they
told them to me, fays I : " I'm forry then I took
fuch uncommon pains, and if Sir Edward is not of
my humane difpofition, 1 fhould regret doing him
an injury, but I'd never never try another caufe
for him."
Sir Edw. Fool ! blunderer ! you know not half
the danger I'm involv'd in ; you've fet a lion loofe
to menace and purfue me. What's to be done ?
refcu'd himfelf, he will releafe his wife ! I muft
prevent it inftantly prevent it; and for you
whofe folly and delay has ruin'd has deftroy'd
me
Paul. Delay ! it's no fault of mine. When I
was told the lady's drefs, was I to ftare, and pry,
and examine ? and if I had, unlefs this Mr. Pri-
vilege would write the word " man" on his fore-
head, the devil himlelf wouldn't know him to be
one.
SirEdw. Sir, you've undone me; and that
others may not fuffer by fuch wilful ignorance, and
grofs negltcl, I will expofe your errors to the world.
Nay, fir j if I'm difgrae'd, you fhail not pafs un-
cenlur*d. [Exit.
Paul.
58 DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
Paul. Expofe my errors ! try to knock me up
in my profeffion ! when every body knows I've
been hurried out of my fenfes ; and that bufinefs
can't be well done, unlefs a man has time to do it
coolly. However, I mutt look about me ; I muft
ftill give up enjoying myfelf, and get another law-
fuit, if it's only to convince him and the whole
county, that with a good client, clear cafe, and
ftrong evidence, no man has more fuccefs than
Paul^
Enter Robert Grange.
Robert. Sir, your humble fervant I hope I
don't miftake ; but if you be the wonderful London
lawyer they do talk of, I've a bit of a job for you.
Paul. You have, have you ? talk of the Devil
I'm he! I'm the wonderful London lawyer!
Robert. By gom ! I thought foj and I like your
looks at firft fight; you feem to have fo little
pride fo little of the gentleman about you, fir.
{bowing.')
Paul. Thank you and I'm happy to be able
to return the compliment ; but your cafe; ftate,
ftate
Robert. Why, you fee, fir, I be not a perfon of
rank myfelf j but coufin Bell be my lady, though
I be none j and poor foul ! fhe a been caft away
like a weed by a bafe deceiver and when he came
out of Ivy farm, I'd certainly have ftopt him, and
got an understanding ; only Bell fitted it beyond
her ufual mark, and claw'd me fo tight by the
throat, that he got off; and here I am, as you fee,
(ir, without any understanding at all.
Paul. Enough fee your cafe at one view
plaintiff, unfufpicious country girl ; defendant, rich
feducer ; domeftic peace, parental love, filial af-
fection,
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 59
feflion, paradife, Eve, Satan, dark, night, rope
ladder, poft-rhaife and four, and a thoufand pounds
damages only wifh fhe were a married woman,
and you her hufband that's the valuable adtion ;
but as it is What's her name?
Robert. Why fhe do call herfelf Lady Senfitive;
but I fuppofe that won't do with you lawyer gen-
tlemen ; and fo, between ourfelves, her real name
is Bell Arabella Grange.
Paul. Arabella! very well and her feducer's?
Robert. Sapling; and you'll find him yonder, at
the Star inn.
Paul. Sapling! Oh ho thought fo thought this
would come of the old fellow's fafhionable habits
know him well; and fee, if I mittake now fee, if
this cafe don't confirm my reputation ; and difficult
as it is, I'll get you an understanding {going). But
flop let it be moderate don't expeel a great one.
Robert. No: our terms are quue moderate;
Bell only requires that he'd fenle on her all his
own fortune, and all this Mils Honoria Thingam-
bob's; and as to myfelf, I (hall be fatisfied if he'll
juft promote me to the rank of major or colon
either in the army or navy, I don't care which, fir.
Paul. Don't you ? it's done then. An hour
hence meet me at the Star inn ; and bring your
coufin with you ; and we'll have a bit of dinner;
always mix pleafure with bufinefs, one helps the
other; and only be ready with your evidence
no difguifes though no getting into petticoats-
no come forward as witnefs and I'm a wonder-
ful lawyer. Arabella, a rich lady; and you, a
major or a colonel, in the army or the navy ! [Exit.
Robert. Dang it as I faid, not a bit of the gen-
tleman about him ; but fomehow, I'm forry he
do want me as witnefs ; I can't bear the thought of
thefc
6o DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
thefe examinations and crofs examinations, ever
fince they brow beat me fo at laft 'fizes: " So,"
fays Counfellor Bounce, <f your name is Robert
Grange, is it r* Well ! and pray what is your opi-
nion of this cafe, Matter Robert ?" " Why, I
take it," fays I, " you are paid for your opinion
Matter Counfel, and therefore I'll thank you for a
fee, before I give mine." " Silence !" fays he,
<e and upon your oath, are you not fuch a notorious
poacher, that you are commonly call'd fnaring,
thieving Bob ?" " Yes, I am," fays I, " by fuch
low chaps as you are j but never by gentlemen ;
and if you'll ftep out, and have a fnug, friendly
round or two, why I'll wager this half guinea"
and then I felt for my purfe and couldn't find it ;
and fo I fell a blubbering, and charg'd them all
with picking my pocket, and then they laugh'd,
and turn'd me out of court ! but I'll to Bell ; and
if this matter lawyer do provide for us, why I'll be
fo grateful to the whole tribe, that I'll give them
my opinion gratis, whenever they afk for it. [Exit.
END OF THE FOURTH ACT.
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 6"l
A C T V.
SCENE. The Outfide of the Star Inn.In the
Back Ground an open Country. Trees at thg
Wings,
Enter Sapling and Groom.
Sapling. Don't you be afraid, William. I'll
keep my ground j I'll vex her in my turn. I'll
join the hunt, dine with the club, fing, game, and
defiroy my own health in toafting other people's ;
and if 1 drink myfelf dead, I know fhe won't
furvive me : and if I get dead drunk, why, then I'm
a philofopher above her, and the miferies of this
life.
Groom. Ay, fir, this is all very well now ; but
fuppofe miftrefs were prefent.
Sapling. Then I'd avow it to her face. Go,
prepare my favourite, whilfl I drefs in the inn.
Oh yes, the chace infpires me ! and dogs and
horfes fhall afford that folid joy, that love and
wives and monkies would deny me. I'm up !
the lion's rous'd ! an earthquake wouldn't fhake
me ! [Exit into the inn.
Enter Honoria, with her Hat and Cloak on.
Honoria. Heavens ! how my heart beats !
Yonder is the inn j and yet 1 fear that Henry will
condemn me. Perhaps he knows not my imme-
8 diat*
6l DELAYS AND BLUNDERS*
diate danger ; bur, furely, when he hears it, he*Il
{noife without) Ha ! all hope is pad \ I am
purfued, difcovered.
Enter Mrs. Sapling.
Mrs. Sapling. Vaftly well ! as I was informed.
Caught you in the fact of eloping, on the very eve
of letting out for Scotland ! But come, madam ;
and if you perfift in the excurfion, let Mr. Privilege
CGn<*ucl: you.
Honoria. Never ! Coward as I am, I will not
give my hand but where my heart's difpos'd of:
and Henry, onerous Henry, is its owner !
Mrs. Sapling. What ! Mr. Sapling hasn't told
you then r You hav'n't heard or this rival?
Honoria, Rival !
Mrs. Sapling. Oh yes; there's a miflrefs in the
cafe. The generous, artlefs Henry keeps a crea-
ture
Honoria. I'll not believe it ; the heart that's capa-
ble of virtuous love mult fcorn all bafer paflion ; and
here {producing a letter) he cells me he's devoted to
Honoria. Look !
Mrs. Sapling {locking over the Utter). I do ; and
it feems, " he's in that inn, and detained there on
" fecret bufinefs." Oh, why fecret ? My life
on't, becaufe the lady is now with him. I know
Mr. Sapling fent for her, and therefore Land-
land ! landlord !
Enter Landlord.
Landlord. Madam !
Mrs. Sapling. Tell me, fir, isn't there a naval
ofHcer, a Mr. Henry Sapling, in your houfe ?
Landlord* There is, ma'am.
Mrs,
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 63
Mrs. Sapling. And is he alone ? That is, isn't
there a lady with him ?
Landlord. Yes, ma'am, there is a lady with him.
Mrs. Sapling. There ! Now are you fatisfied ?
Honoria {much agitated). One momenr. Per-
haps it is Lauretta ? Pray, fir, is the lady very
young ? About fifteen, fir ?
Landlord. No, ma'am : (he feems to be nearly '
thirty ; but very handfom?.
Honoria. And you are fure, quite Cure, that it is
Henry Sapling?
Landlord. Quite, ma'am.
Honoria. Come, madam, I'll go home, and do
whatever you require of me, and cheerfully ; for
I'm happy, quite happy {burjling into tears') j and
I'll never think of the falfe, falfe Henry more.
Mrs. Sapling. Won't you ? Poor girl ! {weep-
ing violently.) Oh barbarous, inconftant man ?
{going.)
Enter Paul Postpone, meeting them,
Paul. Inconftant man ! and in tears ! you've
heard then ?
Mrs. Sapling. We have, fir : his falfehood is
detected.
Paul. I thought fo. When I gave you my
card, I fear'd you'd find him out ; but there's this
confolation your damages will be greater than
Arabella's.
Mrs. Sapling. My damages !
Paul. Ayej you are an amiable, deferted wifej
but Arabella >
Mrs. Sapling. I a deferted wife ! Peace, fir ! and
know 'tis Henry Sapling 'tis his nephew that- -
Paul. His nephew ! Pooh ! that's very well to
blind you ; but that lort of cover won't do for me.
No j
^4 DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
No j and fince. my reputation refts upon this cafe,
and I'm tir'd of being libell'd for other people'*
blunders, I'll have him out, and prove
Mrs. Sapling. Do, fir : convince yourfelf, and
this diftruftful girl, that Henry is this Arabella's
fwain, and that my doatirig hufband, who never
wanders from my apron-ftrings, and who is now at
home waiting with anxious
Enter Sapling, from the Inn, ftrutting y and in a
hunting Drefs.
Mercy on me ! here, in the inn ! Speak, fir how
came you (Sapling pajfes by her, and goes
towards the wing.) Why, what are you doing ?
Sapling {pretending not to fee or hear her). Wil-
liam ! Is my favourite ready t
Mrs. Sapling. What favourite ? Heavens !
Surely you don't mean this creature, this Arabella ?
Sapling. I do mean Arabella j and I avow it
boaft of it. I have fecretly concealed her a long
time , but now (he (hall have more of my com-
pany. I'll go out with her every morning, vifit
her every evening, keep her an additional fervant,
have drawings, paintings, ftatues made of her
in lhort, curfe me if I don't think I'll live with her.
Mrs. Sapling. Aftonifhing ! live with her !
Sapling. Why not ? She will be careful of my
neck, though (he has no annuity upon it ! And
you, Honoria, you fhall alfo (hare my favour ; and
we'll return to the farm, and never more quit it
for faithlefs, fickle, cru {half crying). There I
I've (hewn my fpirit. And now, come along, girl.
Honoria. Thank Fortune ! Henry's affection is
confirmed.
Paul. Thank Fortune ! my reputation is con-
firmed. And that Sir Edward may know of my
fuccefs,
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 6$
fuccefs come, madam; I'll attend you to De-
launy Houfe ! And, for this little gay deceiver,
depend on't, we'll bring him on his knees.
Mrs. Sapling. Ay: he fhall fue in vain for
pardon; and, for the reft oh ! 1 wifh, with all
my heart, my firft hufband were alive.
Sapling. So do I, with all my foul; then you'd
have finilhcd him, inftead of rne.
\Extunt feveratfy:
SCENE-^ Wood.
Enter Henry, Mrs. St. Orme, and Lauretta.
N. B. Lauretta is in her own Cloatbs.
Mrs. St. Orme y to Henry. May Heaven unite
you to Honoria hearts fuch as yours can bed re-
ward each other but, to my purpofe ; that you,
my child, no more may fuffer by the frowns of for-
tune, firft let me claim my loft hereditary rights,
and then to feek abroad that happinefs denied me
here.
Lauretta. Abroad ! You cannot; you will fee
my father.
Mrs. St. Orme. No, he has deceiv'd me once,
and may again confine me. Like you, I triumph
in his late fuccefs, and wifh my charges were as
groundlefs as Sir Edward's but no, hfs letter is
decifive ! and therefore come to J>elauny Houfe,
and there we part, my child.
Lauretta. Part, mother ! Speak, intercede for
me, fir.
Mrs. St. Orme. Yes , part, Lauretta ! I to fome
foreign clime, and you where duty and affection
dictate he has no crimes to you, and though I thus
e could
$6 DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
could cling for ever round you, I will not rob him
of a treafure he deferves. No, he has accuftom'd
me to forrow, and I can proudly wifli him happy,
happy with his daughter.
Lauretta. Why, why won't you fpeak, fir ?
Henry Sapling. I do, ma'am don't you fee I'm
fpeaking all the time ? not with my tongue, that
flicks to my mouth ; but my eyes, my hands, my
heart, are all fpeaking ; and when a failor's on more,
I don't think it kind of his friends to be always
foaking him in this manner with fait water.
{Weeping.) Befides, there's danger at Delauny
Houfe.
Mrs, St. Orme. What danger, fir ? the eftate is
mine ; I go to claim it for my child j and jn fuch
a caufe, fear can't affail me. Come, and when
you've found your friend, fpeak not of me ; or, if
you do, I will be filent and avoid him. Oh yes ;
to him I'm (till a coward -, but to Sir Edward and
his haughty friends, I'm firm as pride, maternal
love, and confcious worth can make me.
[Exit with Lauretta.
Henry. Indeed ! I wifh (he'd fpare me a little of
her firmnefs ; for between her, and St. Orme, and
Honoria, and another lady, I'm fairly flurried out of
my fenfes. Gad! I don't know which I think mod
of. Yes I do, though ; her ladyfhip's is the lading
imprefiion ! I (hall never forget her ! and as a proof
fhe won't forget me, look, here's her curd York-
fhire champion.. Zounds ! once in thefe fcrapes,
a man never gets out of them.
Enter Roeert Grange.
Robert, Sir, your very humble fervant I
1-^ Oh Lord ! what will become of me ? {burjts
into tears,)
Henry.
Delays and blunders. 67
Henry. Peace, fir ; none of your lham fenfibi-
Robert. Nay; it's all downright earned now :
for you mun know, I went to a lawyer about your
cafting off Bell ; and when I got back to the ta-
vern, I found (lie had caft me off! Yes, you fee
fhe had a knack of never fainting properly, unlefs
there was fomebody to look on; and fo fhe got
blubbering at the window, and one Captain O'Safh
faw her, and nodded, and dear ! dear ! I can't
contain myfelf.
Henry. No more can I ! Go on, melodious
mefTenger proceed, feraphic orator !
Robert. One Captain O'Safh, I fay, nodded
and tript up flairs ; and foon after, Bell order'd the
low chariot, and away they both went to a French
foreign place call'd Tipperary yes, Tipperary -
and further, I'm forry I can't tell you.
Henry. And fo am I ; for I could dwell for ever
on that filver fweet ton'd voice and for this friendly
captain Oh ! bleffings on him ! I'll go fee Ho-
noria directly.
Robert. Od dang it! what, won't thee try to
bring her back again ?
Henry. No, curfe me if I doand that you may
not attempt fo rafli an act, here's money to drink
them a pleafant journey. [Exit Robert.
And now for that delicious darling hope, a wife,
fire-fide, children, pure domeftic love. Oh, ge-
nerous, noble captain !
May all his future days be gay and airy
In the fweet bowers of love and Tipperary.
'Thomas. Sir, I ax pardon ; bur, to avoid detec-
tion, and get time for efcaping, I underftand Far-
mer Nightfliade has given out that Mrs. St. Orme
is dead.
e 2 Henry,
N
68 DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
Henry. Dead !
'Thomas, Yes, fir ; and Sir Edward believes the
report.
Henry. Indeed ! let the plot thicken, then. Tell
St. Orme, he'll find Lauretta at Delauny Houfe.
[Exit Thomas.
And may he there again partake connubial joys.
Enter Sapling.
Sapling. Connubial joys ! That's right, Henry.
Come and enjoy them. Come, and marry Honoria
directly.
Henry. What ! confent ! let me have a wife at
laft!
Sapling. Ay ; being in for't myfelf, the more
the merrier, I fay.
Henry. So fay I. Oh ! if every body knew the
blefiings of matrimony as much as I do, England
would treble its inhabitants ; and its mod valuable
property would be old bachelors and old maids j
for they'd be taken alive, and {hewn as curiofities.
[Exeunt.
SCENE. 'The Library , with Painting apparatus
and tr an/parent windows , as in id Scene of the id
Act only, being day-light, thePFindcws are now il-
luminated. Lauretta is di/ccver'd painting Let-
ters on the Vejlal buried alive at the Top Jke has
already written the words " Edward Delauny,"
and at the bottom nearly finifttd thoje of " Amelia
St. Orme." -Mrs. St. Orme is di/ccver'd with
her.
Mrs. St. Orme. Defift defift, Lauretta ! this
libel on Sir Edward will never vindicate your fa-
ther.
$ Lauretta.
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 69
Lauretta. Nay, deareft Madam, I have nearly
flnifh'dj another letter will complete the work.
There! {comes down). Thus let the myftery be
folv'd, be this the touchftone of Sir Edward's con-
duct ! And if it prove as I fufpect, that he's the
real culprit, think of the bright reward you,
mother ! you ftill fhall blefs Lauretta and her fa-
ther.
Mrs. St. Orme. Oh ! if I thought there were a
hope ! but no, 'tis paft j and therefore to avow my
claim
St. Orme {without). Where is fhe ? "Where is
my daughter ?
Mrs. St. Orme. Heavens! So near me! my
fhatter'd brain can't ftruggle with the conflict !
{Going towards ft age door).
Lauretta. Stay, I implore you, flay.
Mrs. St. Orme. I cannot ! dare not ! no, within
this room I may remain conceal'd ; and, fince I
gain'd admiilion here unnotic'd, unobferv'd, none
can betray me but yourfelf.
Lauretta. Fear not, for I blefs the lucky chance,
that thus enables you to hear and judge how you
have wrong'd my father.
[Mrs. St. Orme exit at ft age door.
Enter St. Orme and Sir Edward Delauny.
St. Orme, to Sir Edward, as he enters. Think not
I came to menace or intrude ; no, fir, I came on
Henry's fuggeftion, to feck my dear lov'd daughter;
and what ftrange motive brought her to this place,
fhe fhall explain hereafter. We owe no favour to
Delauny Houfe, and never will ! {Crojfes to Lau-
retta, takes her hand, embraces her, &c.)
Sir Edward {afide). And I mylclf fhould fcru-
tinize her motive, but that Amelia's death makes
e 3 me
70 DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
me defy all fear Oh yes, the dreaded tale died with
her; and therefore [to St Orme), take a laft fare-
well of this proud houfe, that Hill fo gaiU and irri-
tates - - (Croffing, he fees the tranfpare-c}, and
JiartsJ.rHa ; whole deed is this ? " Edward
Delauny !" (reading and trembling).
Lauretta. Ay ; and " Amelia St. Orme."
What alarms you ? Why mould a picture agitate
you thus ? I tremble not; no, nor my father 1
See, though the ftory (hocks his tender nature, he
turns not from it with remorfe ; No, the faithful
hufband and the ardent lover break forth in mingl'd
tears of pity and affection ! (falls on her knees).--'
Oh Heaven ! 1 faid I knew that he was inno-
cent !
St. Orme. Explain, Lauretta. What means
that
Lauretta. Means ! That that lovely fuppliant is
my mother : and that the hand that robs her thus of
liberty and life, is her exalted kinfman's, who treats
the ftage with fcorn and indignation, when but a
mimic fcene like this can goad the guilty, and re-
ward the good. Father ! you muft, you fhall be
happy ! (embracing him.)
Sir Edward. Audacious girl ! who dare accufe
me of fuch crimes ?
Lauretta. 1, in the face of Heaven and of man
I will aver, that to retain this fplendid edifice and
proud domain, you thus immured the beft of
mothers and of wives if not, behold the picture
firmly, like my father. See ! he dare not Oh,
guilty ! on my foul he's guilty !
Sir Edward. 'Tis falie and were your mother
here, (he would accufe another.
St. Orme. What other, fir ?
ir iLdward. You know too well. Nay, dare n&t
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 71
to deny it here's damning proof againft you. {Pro~
during letter \ and reading.} " I charge you to con-
fine her if fhe efcape"
St. Orme. Oh villain ! curft contriving; villain !
if that which tendernefs and pity prompted, has
been perverted to fuch favage purpofe, may every
hufband's, every father's curfe But no, guilt
fuch as this, is fo unparallel'd, that we fhould pray
for mercy, not for vengeance.
Sir Edward. Away, and know fhe died the vic-
tim of her malady.
St. Orme. Died!
Sir Edw. Ay : and by her deceafe, I fway for
ever here: and mark me, fir; if rafhly you re-
vive the charge, this letter {hall acquit me to the
world. No other witnefs can be found
Enter Mrs. St. Orme.
Mrs. St. Orme. There can and I'm that wit-
nefs ! My life ! my hufband ! after fuch proofs,
fhall I delay to clafp you to my heart? No: the
flory of your falfehood was contriv'd like this, from
treacherous, fordid motives; and henceforth my
fufpicion is referved for thofe who would deftroy
domeftic 'peace my love -and confidence for him
and her, who know no wifh bryond it ! (getting
between St. Orme and Lauretta.)
St. Orme. Share fhare my joys Lauretta ; alone
I can't tupport them. And you, Sir Edward
Mrs. St. Orme. Upbraid him not: his triumph
was to punifh, ours is to pardon. Yes, dr (to
Sir Edward) the virtuous beft refent their wrongs,
by deigning to forgive them.
Sir Edw. I fee I am betray'd, and need not
your reproaches; my own, and that reproachful
look are quite fufBcient; and thus diigrac'd, I
e 4 fhall
72 DELAYS AND BLUNDERS,
fhall renounce all future claim; for fortune, rank,
and life, are equally indifferent ! farewell! {going)
and to relieve you from thofe bitter pangs that goad
and torture here, know, 'twas the hand of Heaven,
not your's, that doom'd Sir Frederick to his grave.
Enter Mrs. Sapling, meeting him.
Mrs. Sapling. What ! going, coufin ! now, when
I expect the bride and bridegroom ! (Sir Edward
exit.) and leave your company ! You're vaftly
welcome though (curt/eying to St. Orme, Mrs.
St. Orme, and Lauretta); and I expect my
penitent hufband, and with him, Honoria married
to Mr. Privilege : thefe are the terms of my for-
givenefs, and fo Mr. Poftpone is gone to inform
him. (inufic without.) Here they come. I ordered
one of my grand marches to announce their arrival,
Flourijh of Mujic, and enter Sapling, Henry,
Honoria, and Pawl Postpone.
Mrs. Sapling. Oh joy ! my dear Mr. Privilege 1
a thoufand joys '
Henry, You're too good and in return, allow
me to introduce to you Mrs. Plenty Sapling !
Mrs. Sapling. What!
Henry. Mrs. Henry Sapling ; and to fave you
the trouble of telling her of my pad follies, I've
told her myfelf, and fhe generoufly forgave me;
and for. any further information on this fubject, I
refer you to Captain O'Safh at Tipperary ; and for
any information relative to the bridegroom you
expected, I refer you to the taylor who has juft
arretted him ; fo there end his privileges and here
begin mine {kijjing Honoria).
Mrs. Sapling.
DELAYS AND BLUNDERS. 75
Mrs. Sapling, Why, Mr. Poftpone, havVt you
explained ?
Sapling. He has ; he told me how Privilege got
into the bed-chamber, and I told him that my
Arabella was related to Hambletonian, Rocking-
ham, Ticklepilcher, and Potatoes; but, as ufual,
he came too late. He ftopt to follow the fox
chace. So, by his delay, I've loft a dear good
wife, and Henry's gain'd one.
Paul. Don't blame me; I told you all along
there was no doing bufinefs by driving and hurry-
ing. And twenty attornies wou'dn't be fufficient
for fuch a fafliionable family as you are. But, 1
give you joy, ma'am {to Honoria) ; and if I've
time, and your hufband's leave, I'll vific you every
long vacation. And I give you joy Mr. St. Orme;
and mould they traduce me for not convicting an
innocent perfon, mould they fay I'm not a (harp*
and active lawyer, lo much the better I know I'm
an honeft one, and I'll delay to alter that character
as long as I live.
Henry. Come, fmce we are all united fince, as
I hoped, Henry and Lauretta have regain'd their
prize (hall nunky have no wife ? Come, madam,
come
Sapling. Mrs. Sapling ! my life ! my that's
a good fign filence is a proof of love.
Mrs. Sapling. Indeed ! then I fancy few married
ladies are in love but I'm too well bred to wranr
gle ; fo, there !
Sapling. And there ! (Jhaking hands )
Henry, And now henceforward copy me uncle ;
.-think not of any Arabellas: or if you do be it
to pity thofe, who, but for men's feducing arts, had
known, like us, the blifs of virtuous love!
Honoria,
74 DELAYS AND BLUNDERS.
Honoria.
Then crown our pleafures with your genial praife,
Blame not our Blunders, pardon our Delays.
All aid my fuit. {to Henry.)
Henry \
Let me your favour court ;
A married Tailor begs you won't fpoil fport.
Sapling.
So does a fox-hunter (recolletting and looking a-
Mrs. Sapling ) a finifh'd man.
Mrs. Sapling.
Ay, ladies, look refufe him if you can.
Mrs. St. Qrme.
And we entreat you
Paul.
Yes, and Paul Poftpone.
Your fmiles are fees for all his labours done.
Each cheering nod demonftrates he has ?reat fenfe,
And every clap's a glorious fix and eight pence,
Then, take the hint, and, fpite of critic laws,
We'll to an Englilh Jury truft our caufe.
?ND OF THE FIFTH ACT.
EPILOGUE,
WRITTEN BY MILES PETER ANDREWS, Es^
SPOKEN BY MRS. MATTOCKS,
Ukce more I come my fervices to tender,
Will you once more receive an old offender }
Who, arm'd with Epilogue's farcaftic ftrain,
Hath often here indulg'd her fportive vein ;
Hath Falhion's fanttion'd ftore prefum'd to rifle,
And wilh your fav'rite follies dared to trifle.
Our Play concluded, fhall I humbly fue,
- As Epilogue of old was wont to do ?
Or, heedlefs of the Poet and his trade,
Frolic at random, and cry, Who's afraid ?
Balloons are now the hobbies that engage ;
Certain criterion of a paring age.
The flighty heroine, and the dafhing fair,
Whofe characters are rather worfe for wear,
May fcorn dull fqueamifh prudes, ftiff laced andcuri'd,
Mount a Balloon, and rife above the world.
How fine th' idea ! By the winds alone,
Not by old dowagers, to be blown upon.
But while on air fo pleafantly we rife,
Things better hid, perhaps, may meet our eyes,
Giles Grub the grocer, failing o'er his fliop,
His eye may thro' his parlour ikylight pop :
" Good Mounfliur Flyaway ! do let me out;
" Dickens! what's duck and journeyman about ?
*' The compter's left fpoufe does fo love to chat >
** She'll now do nothing elfe." No fear of dat.
" Allons de French philofophie you learn
" Leave journeyman he manage your concern.''
Off goes Balloon all cares are out of fight :
Down in a marih drops Giles in haplefs plight,
And finds himfelf a happy man e'er night.
If France in novelties mult itill have fway,
What dainty dame at home will bear to flay ?
Sir
1
EPILOGUE.
Sir Johk, a fimple knight, nor more nor lefs,
Dubb'd for his townfhip's, not his own addrefs ;
Thinks all but Paris now is low and filly ;
So wife, fon, felf are cramm'd into the dilly.
Chuckfull they go the door, you fcarce can lock it ;
Shawls, drams, pie?, pattens ftufPd into each pocket.
Sick of rough roads, they're trundl'd down to Dover ;
More lick of rougher feas, they're wafted over.
On fhore, my lady cries, " Now, dear, d'ye fee,
** Don't you parley but l^ave the French to me !
** Here, Mounfur Waiter ! porter me fome beer.
c Plait il, vtadame ? I fay Ontong d'ye hear?
' Porter de dinne. Is Paris far ? Bien loin."
That's right, my lady Porter and firloin,"
' Tteray Sir John. Zcunds, mother I change that ftrain,
** Speak in the vulgar tongue, and you'll fpeak plain.
" Ft done ! with Englifh we fhall not advance :
" Plain Englifh truths are not the tafle in France.
'* No, faith thofe fquibs that we fo witty call,
Egad the French efteem no jokes at all;
' Nor can one get, fo much they hate what's funny,
*' An Englifh newfpaper^-for love or money."
At home again one word before we part ;
Our Author claims it from each feeling heart:
But chief from you, ye fair, whofe cherifh'd name
Love crowns with honour, or configns to fhame ;
You will our Poet greet with warm applaufe,
Who pleads fo firmly in your beauty's caufe ;
And to vain man the contrail drives to prove
'Twixt lawlels paffion and connubial love.
THE END.
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^221 Reynolds -
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