WINDMILLS 
 
 A BOOK OF FABLES 
 
 BY 
 
 GILBERT CANNAN 
 
 NEW YORK B. W. HUEBSCH, INC. MCMXX
 
 COPYRIGHT, 1920, BY 
 B. W. HUEBSCH, INC. 
 
 PRINTED IN U. S. A.
 
 TO 
 D. H. LAWRENCE 
 
 2Q80261
 
 . . a huge terrible monster, called Moulinavent, *who, with four strong 
 arms, waged eternal battle iuith all their divinities, dexterously turning 
 to avoid their blows, and repay them iuith interest. 
 
 A TALE OF A TUB
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND, i 
 
 I TlTTIKER, 3 
 
 II THE BISHOP, 5 
 
 III ARABELLA, 7 
 
 IV THE SKITISH NAVY, 10 
 
 V CAPTAIN COURAGEOUS, 15 
 
 VI HOSTILITIES, 16 
 
 VII SlEBENHAAR, 1 8 
 
 VIII MORE OF SlEBENHAAR, 22 
 
 IX SlEBENHAAR ON WOMEN, 24 
 
 X LOVE, 26 
 
 XI Music, 26 
 
 XII ADRIFT, 29 
 
 XIII HUNGER, 31 
 
 XIV MILITARY, 31 
 XV NAVAL, 37 
 
 XVI NATIONAL, 38 
 
 XVII REUNION, 41 
 
 XVIII BETROTHAL, 42 
 
 XIX REACTION, 44 
 
 XX HOME, 46 
 
 ULTIMUS, 49 
 
 I THE SON OF His FATHER, 51 
 
 II QUESTIONS, 53
 
 X CONTENTS 
 
 III CIVILISATION, 57 
 
 IV WAR AND WOMEN, 62 
 V WIRELESS, 65 
 
 VI BICH is OBSTINATE, 67 
 
 VII PLANS, 72 
 
 VIII IN FATTISH WATERS, 74 
 
 IX AN AFTERNOON CALL, 77 
 
 X THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, 80 
 
 XI HIGH POLITICS, 82 
 
 XII THE PUBLIC, 87 
 
 XIII THE EMPEROR, 89 
 
 XIV WAR, 93 
 
 XV SlEBENHAAR ON SOCIETY, 97 
 
 XVI PRACTICAL CONSIDERATIONS, 98 
 
 XVII PEACE, 102 
 
 XVIII THE RETURN OF THE ISLAND, 104 
 
 GYNECOLOGIA, 107 
 
 I HISTORY, 109 
 
 II CASTAWAY, 112 
 
 III MY CAPTOR, 114 
 
 IV THE CHANGE, 117 
 
 V THE HOMESTEAD, 121 
 
 VI OBSEQUIES, 124 
 
 VII SLAVERY, 127 
 
 VIII A STRANGE WOOING, 128 
 
 IX THE RUINED CITY, 130 
 
 X THE OUTLAWS, 132 
 
 XI EDMUND, 135 
 
 XII THE NUNNERY, 138
 
 CONTENTS XI 
 
 XIII IN THE CAPITAL, 142 
 
 XIV THE EXAMINATION, 146 
 XV MEN OF GENIUS, 149 
 
 XVI REVOLUTION, 153 
 
 OUT OF WORK, 159 
 
 I MR. ELY'S HEART BREAKS, 161 
 
 II MR. BLY is IMPRISONED, 162 
 
 III THE DARK GENTLEMAN, 163 
 
 IV THE DARK GENTLEMAN'S STORY, 165 
 V COGITATION, 167 
 
 VI CONFLAGRATION, 167 
 
 VII TIB STREET, 169 
 
 VIII MR. ELY'S SERMON, 171 
 
 IX THE EFFECT OF MR. ELY'S SERMON, 173 
 
 X THE WIDOW MARTIN, 173 
 
 XI MAKING A STIR, 175 
 
 XII MAKING A STIRABOUT, 176 
 
 XIII SPARKS FLYING, 177 
 
 XIV SMOULDERING, 178 
 XV SUCCOUR, 178 
 
 XVI ON THE ROAD, 181 
 
 XVII JAH, 183 
 
 XVIII JAH SPEAKS, 185 
 
 XIX SONG, 1 86 
 
 XX MORNING, 187 
 
 XXI HOPE, 187
 
 PREFACE TO AMERICAN EDITION 
 
 PROPHECY of an event is unlikely to be interest- 
 ing after it and this may be the reason why my pro- 
 phetic utterances regarding the Great War took the 
 form of Satire. The first of these fables has a his- 
 tory. It was published originally in London as a lit- 
 tle orange-covered booklet, called Old Mole's Novel 
 and it was issued simultaneously with Old Mole, a 
 character to whom I was so attached that it gave 
 me great pleasure to attribute authorship to him. 
 Only a small edition was printed and it soon ran out 
 of print. A copy of it reached Germany and fell 
 into the hands of a group of young men who were 
 incensed by the nonsense the high-born Generals and 
 Admirals were talking in the Reichstag and I re- 
 ceived enthusiastic letters asking for more so that 
 these caustic prophecies might circulate in Germany 
 and serve as an antidote. That was more encour- 
 agement than I had received in England and so, for 
 my German friends, who had the advantage of living 
 under a frank and not a veiled Junkerdom, I com- 
 posed the remaining fables and finished them a few 
 months before the outbreak of war. The trans- 
 
 xiii
 
 XIV PREFACE 
 
 lation was proceeded with but so far as I know the 
 book was never issued in Germany. It appeared in 
 England early in 1915 and this intensely patriotic 
 effort of mine was condemned as unpatriotic because 
 we had already caught the German trick of talking 
 of war as holy. It sold not at all in its first expen- 
 sive edition because it was not a novel, nor an essay, 
 nor a play and the British public had no training 
 in Satire, but I have since had letters from both sol- 
 diers and conscientious objectors saying that the 
 book was their constant companion and solace, 
 and I have recently learned that in a certain division 
 of the British Army it was declared to be a court- 
 martial offense for any officer to have the book in 
 his possession, presumably on the principle that the 
 soldier must not read anything which his superiors 
 cannot understand. That of course was good for 
 the sale of the book and the cheap edition also ran 
 out of print just about the time when the shortage 
 of paper produced a crisis in the affairs of authors 
 and publishers. 
 
 The book was useful to me when the time came 
 as evidence that my objection to war was not an 
 objection to personal discomfort, the element of 
 danger, owing to my ill health, not arising as a point 
 at issue, though that would not have made any dif- 
 ference to my position. My objection to war is that 
 it does not do what its advocates say it does, and
 
 PREFACE XV 
 
 that no good cause can be served by it. Good 
 causes can only be served by patience, endurance, 
 sympathy, understanding, mind and will. 
 
 The attempt to remove militarism and mili- 
 tary conceptions from among human preoccupations 
 is a good cause and that I will serve with the only 
 weapon I know how to use the pen, which they 
 say is mightier than the sword or even the howitzer. 
 Having applied myself to this service before the 
 outbreak of the Great War, which for me began in 
 1911, I was not to be diverted from it by the panic 
 confusion of those who were overtaken by the ca- 
 lamity rather than prepared for it. With Wind- 
 mills, my essay on Satire, my critical study of Samuel 
 Butler, the Interlude in Old Mole, I was an active 
 participant in the Great War before it began, but of 
 course no one pays any attention to a prophet, espe- 
 cially when he is enough of an artist to desire to 
 give his prophecy permanent form. That indeed 
 was my mistake. Had I thundered in the accents 
 of Horatio Bottomley instead of clipping my sen- 
 tences to the mocking murmur of satire I might have 
 been a hero to some one else's valet, not having one 
 of my own. Peace has her Bottomleys no less re- 
 nowned than war, but I am afraid I am not among 
 their number, for I have long since returned to the 
 serious business of life, the composition of dramatic 
 works, and I am in the position that most ensures
 
 xvi PREFACE 
 
 unpopularity, that of being able to say ' I told you 
 so.' 
 
 I am a little alarmed when I consider how closely 
 the Great War followed my prophecy of it and turn 
 to the fables, Gynecologia and Out of Work, 
 which follow logically from the other. A world 
 governed by women as lopsidedly as it has been by 
 men would be much like that depicted here, and the 
 final collapse, if it came, would surely follow the 
 lines indicated in Out of Work. None of us knows 
 exactly of what we are a portent and who can imag- 
 ine to what Lady Astor's flight into fame may lead? 
 If I had not already dedicated this book to my 
 friend D. H. Lawrence I would, without her permis- 
 sion, inscribe upon it the name of the first woman to 
 take her Seat in the worst club in London, the 
 House of Commons. 
 
 GILBERT CANNA.N. 
 New York, 1919.
 
 Samways Island
 
 I: TITTIKER 
 
 GEORGE SAMWAYS awoke one night with a vague 
 distressful feeling that all was not well with his 
 island. The moon was shining, but it was casting 
 the shadow of the palm tree in which he slept over 
 the hollow wherein he cooked his meals, and that 
 had never happened before. 
 
 He was alarmed and climbed down his palm tree 
 and ran to the tall hill from which he was accus- 
 tomed to observe the sea and the land that floated 
 blue on the edge of the sea. The ascent seemed 
 longer than usual, and when he reached the summit 
 he was horrified to find a still higher peak before 
 him. At this sight he was overcome with emotion 
 and lay upon the earth and sobbed. When he could 
 sob no more he rose to his feet and dragged himself 
 to the top of the furthest peak and gazed out upon 
 an empty sea. The moon was very bright. There 
 was no land upon the edge of the sea. He raised 
 his eyes heavenwards. The stars were moving. 
 He looked round upon his island. It was shrunk, 
 and the forests were uprooted and the little lake at 
 the foot of the hill had disappeared. Before and 
 behind his island the sea was churned and tumbled, as 
 
 3
 
 4 WINDMILLS 
 
 it was when he pressed his hands against the little 
 waves when he went into the water to cleanse him- 
 self. 
 
 And now a wind came and a storm arose; rain 
 came beating, and he hastened back to the hole in 
 the ground he had dug for himself against foul 
 weather. Then, knowing that he would not sleep, 
 he lit his lamp of turtle oil and pith and read Titti- 
 ker. 
 
 Tittiker was the book left .to him by his father 
 whom he had put into the ground many years be- 
 fore, even as he had seen his father do with his 
 mother when he was a little child. He had been 
 born on the island, and could just remember his 
 mother, and his father had lived long enough to 
 teach him how to fish and hunt and make his clothes 
 of leaves, feathers, and skins, and to read in Tittiker, 
 but not long enough to give him any clue to the 
 meaning of the book. But whenever he was sad it 
 was a great solace to him, and he had read it from 
 cover to cover forty times, for it was like talking to 
 somebody else, and it was full of names and titles, 
 to which he had attached personages, so that the is- 
 land was very thickly populated. Through Titti- 
 ker he knew that the earth moved round the sun, 
 that the moon moved round the earth and made the 
 tides, that there were three hundred and sixty-five 
 days in the year, seven days in the week, and that
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND $ 
 
 printing is the art of producing impressions from 
 characters or figures. 
 
 II: THE BISHOP 
 
 WHEN, the next morning, he crawled out of his lair 
 he saw a man strangely clad in black, with a shiny 
 corded hat on his head and an apron hanging from 
 his middle to his knees, gazing up into his palm tree 
 and down into his kitchen. The man in black saw 
 him and, in the language of Tittiker, said: 
 
 " Alas, my poor brother! " 
 
 " Are you my brother? " asked George. 
 
 The man in black stepped back in amazement. 
 
 " You speak Fattish? " he cried. 
 
 " I have had no one to speak to for many years," 
 replied George; "but my father spoke as you do." 
 
 " Let us pray," said the man in black, kneeling 
 down on the sands. 
 
 "Pray? What is that?" 
 
 " To God. Surely you are acquainted with the 
 nature of God? " 
 
 The word occurred in Tittiker. 
 
 " I often wondered what it was," said George. 
 
 " Ssh ! " said the man in black soothingly. " See ! 
 I will tell you. God made the world in six days and 
 rested the seventh day. ..."
 
 6 WINDMILLS 
 
 " It took me nearly six days to dig my father's 
 grave, and then I was very tired." 
 
 " Ssh ! Ssh ! Listen. . . . God made the world 
 in six days, and last of all he made man and set him 
 to live in his nakedness and innocence by the sweat 
 of his brow. But man ate of the fruit of the tree 
 of knowledge and became acquainted with original 
 sin in the form of a serpent, and his descendants 
 were born, lived and died in wickedness and were re- 
 duced to so terrible a plight that God in His mercy 
 sent His son to point the way to salvation. God's 
 son was crucified by the Jews, was wedded to the 
 Church, and, leaving His bride to carry His name 
 all over the world and bring lost sheep home to the 
 fold, ascended into Heaven. But first He de- 
 scended into Hell to show that the soul might be 
 saved even after damnation, and He rose again the 
 third day. His Church, after many vicissitudes, 
 reached the faithful people of Fatland, which for all 
 it is a little island off the continent of Europe, has 
 created the greatest Empire the world has ever seen. 
 The Fattish people have been favoured with the 
 only true Church, whose officers and appointed min- 
 isters are deacons, priests, rural deans, prebendaries, 
 canons, archdeacons, deans, bishops, archbishops. 
 I am a Bishop." 
 
 " All that," said George, " is in Tittiker." 
 
 And he recited the names and salaries of six dio-
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND 7 
 
 ceses, but when he came to the seventh the Bishop 
 blushed and bade him forbear. 
 
 " That," he said, " is my diocese." And he 
 swelled out and looked down his nose and made 
 George feel very uncomfortable, so that to bridge 
 the difficulty he went back to the Bishop's story. 
 
 " I like that," he said. " And Hell is such a 
 good word. I never heard it before." 
 
 " Hell," replied the Bishop, " is the place of dam- 
 nation." 
 
 " Ah ! my father used to say ' damnation.' ' 
 
 "Ssh!" 
 
 " There is something about Jews in Tittiker, but 
 what is original sin? " 
 
 The Bishop looked anxiously from left to right 
 and from right to left and in a very low, earnest 
 voice he said : 
 
 " Are there no women on your island? " 
 
 III: ARABELLA 
 
 EVEN as the Bishop spoke there came round the 
 point a creature than whom George had not even 
 dreamed of any more fair. But her garments 
 seemed to him absurd, because they clung about her 
 nether limbs so as to impede their action. She 
 came with little steps toward them, crying:
 
 8 WINDMILLS 
 
 "Father!" 
 
 "My child! Not dead!" 
 
 44 No, dear father. I have been drying my- 
 self over there. I have been weeping for you. 'I 
 thought I was the only one saved." 
 
 " So I thought of myself. What a wonderful 
 young woman you are ! You look as if you were 
 going district visiting, so neat you are." 
 
 George was staring at her with all his eyes. 
 Never had he heard more lovely sounds than those 
 that came from her lips. 
 
 " My daughter, Arabella," said the Bishop. 
 
 She held out her hand. George touched it fear- 
 fully as though he dreaded lest she should melt 
 away. 
 
 44 I like you," he said. 
 
 " I'm so hungry," cried Arabella. 
 
 44 1 could eat an ox," declared the Bishop. 
 
 George produced a kind of bread that he made 
 from seeds, and the leg of a goat, and went off to 
 the creek near by to fetch some clams. He also 
 caught a crab and they had a very hearty breakfast, 
 washed down with the milk of cocoanuts. The 
 Bishop had explained the situation to Arabella, and 
 she said: 
 
 44 And am I really the first woman you have ever 
 seen!" 
 
 44 1 had a mother," replied George simply, " But
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND 9 
 
 she was not beautiful like you. She dressed differ- 
 ently and her legs were fat and strong." 
 
 " There, there ! " said the Bishop. But Arabella 
 laughed merrily. 
 
 The Bishop told how they had been with nineteen 
 other Bishops and their families upon a cruise in the 
 steam-yacht Oyster, each Bishop engaging to preach 
 on Sundays to the lay passengers, and how the pro- 
 peller had been broken and they had been carried 
 out of their course and tossed this way and that, and 
 finally wrecked (he thought) with the loss of all 
 hands, though the wireless operator had stuck to his 
 post to the last and managed to get off the tidings 
 of the calamity with latitude and longitude into the 
 air. 
 
 It all conveyed very little to George, but it was an 
 acute pleasure to him to hear their voices, and as 
 they talked he looked from one to the other with a 
 happy, friendly smile. 
 
 He was very proud to show his island to his vis- 
 itors, but distressed at the havoc wrought by the 
 storm, and he apologised for its unusual behaviour 
 in moving. 
 
 " It has never done it before," he explained, and 
 was rather hurt because Arabella laughed. 
 
 He showed them where, as far as he could remem- 
 ber, his father and mother lay buried, and he took 
 them to the top of the hill, and to amuse them
 
 10 WINDMILLS 
 
 caught a goat and a little kind of kangaroo there 
 was in the forest, and a turtle. He displayed his 
 hammock in the palm tree and showed how he curled 
 up in it and wedged himself in so as not to fall out, 
 and promised to prepare two other trees for them. 
 They demurred. The Bishop asked if he might 
 have the lair, and Arabella asked George to build 
 her a house. He did not know what a house was, 
 but looked it up in Tittiker and could find mention 
 only of the House of Swells and the House of Talk. 
 Arabella made a little house of sand; he caught the 
 idea and spent the day weaving her a cabin of palm 
 branches and mud and pebbles. He sang whole 
 passages from Tittiker as he worked, and when it 
 was finished he led Arabella to the cabin and she 
 smiled so dazzlingly that he reeled, but quickly re- 
 covered himself, remembered as in a vision how it 
 had been with his mother, flung his arms round her 
 neck and kissed her, saying: 
 
 " I love you." 
 
 " I think we had better look for my father," said 
 Arabella. 
 
 IV: THE SKITISH NAVY 
 
 FOR three nights did the Bishop sleep in the lair 
 and Arabella in her cabin. A grey scrub grew on the
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND II 
 
 Bishop's chin, and during the daytime he instructed 
 George solemnly and heavily as he delivered him- 
 self of his invariable confirmation address, (on 
 the second day he baptised George in the creek, and 
 Arabella was delighted to be his god-mother) 
 with an eager pride as he told him -of the Skitish 
 Isles where his diocese and the seat of the Empire 
 lay. The United Kingdom, he said, consisted of 
 four countries, Fatland, Smugland, Bareland, and 
 Snales, but only Fatland mattered, because the Fat- 
 tish absorbed the best of the Smugs and the Barish 
 and the Snelsh and found jobs for the cleverest of 
 them in Bondon or Buntown, which was the greatest 
 city in the world. He assured George that he might 
 go down on his knees and thank God now that 
 he was baptised for having been born a Fattish- 
 man, and that if they ever returned to Bondon he 
 would receive a reward for having added to the 
 Skitish Empire. 
 
 George knew all about the Emperor-King and his 
 family, and liked the idea of giving his island as a 
 present. He asked the Bishop if he thought the 
 Emperor-King would give him Arabella. 
 
 " That," said the Bishop, " does not rest with the 
 Emperor-King." 
 
 " But I want her," answered George. 
 
 Thereafter the Bishop was careful never to leave 
 his daughter alone, so that at last she protested and
 
 12 WINDMILLS 
 
 said she found Mr. Samways very interesting and 
 was perfectly able to take care of herself. 
 
 So she was, and next time George kissed her she 
 gave him a motherly caress in return and he was 
 more than satisfied; he was in an ecstasy of happi- 
 ness and danced to please her and showed her all the 
 little tricks he had invented to while away the tedium 
 of his solitude, as lying on his back with a great 
 stone on his feet and kicking it into the air, and walk- 
 ing on his knees with his feet in his hands, and 
 thrusting his toe into his mouth. He was downcast 
 when she asked him not to repeat some of his tricks. 
 
 On the fourth day, for want of any other employ- 
 ment, the Bishop decided to confirm George, who 
 consented willingly when he learned that Arabella 
 had been confirmed. The ceremony impressed him 
 greatly, and he had just resolved never to have any- 
 thing to do with Original Sin when a terrifying 
 boom broke in upon their solemnity. Some such 
 noise had preceded the detachment of the island, 
 and George ran like a goat to the top of the hill, 
 whence, bearing down, he saw a dark grey vessel 
 belching smoke and casting up a great wave before 
 and leaving a white spume aft. Also on the side of 
 the island away from his dwelling he saw two sticks 
 above water, and knew, from the Bishop's descrip- 
 tion, that it must be the steam-yacht Oyster. He 
 hastened back with the news, and presently the ves-
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND 13 
 
 sel hove in sight of the beach, and it conceived and 
 bare a little vessel which put out and came over the 
 waves to the shore. A handsome man all gold and 
 blue stepped out of the little vessel and planted a 
 stick with a piece of cloth on it on the sands and 
 said: 
 
 " I claim this island for the Skitish Empire." 
 ' This island," said the Bishop, " is the property 
 of Mr. George Samways." 
 
 " Damme," roared the man in gold and blue, " it 
 isn't on the chart." 
 
 " Mr. Samways was born here," said Arabella 
 with the most charming smile. 
 
 ' Yes." George saw the man glance approvingly 
 at Arabella and was anxious to assert himself. 
 " Yes, I was born on the island, but it broke loose 
 in a storm." 
 
 The officer roared again, the Bishop protested, 
 the men in the boat grinned, and at last Arabella 
 took the affair in hand and explained that her father 
 was the Bishop of Bygn and that they had been in 
 the ill-fated Oyster. 
 
 The officer removed his hat and begged pardon. 
 They had received messages from the Oyster, but 
 the bearings were wrongly reported. Sighting land 
 not marked on the chart, they had decided to turn in 
 to annex it, but, of course, if Mr. Samways were a 
 Skitish subject that would be unnecessary, and
 
 14 WINDMILLS 
 
 hum, ha ! All's well that ends well and it was ex- 
 tremely fortunate. 
 
 Arabella said that Mr. Samways was not only a 
 Skitish subject but a member of the Church of Fat- 
 land, and would be only too pleased to hand over his 
 island to the Colonial or whatever office might de- 
 sire to govern it. Mr. Samways was, so far, the 
 island's whole permanent population and would 
 gladly give all particulars. For herself she was only 
 anxious to return to Fatland, and was excited at the 
 prospect of travelling on board one of the Emperor- 
 King's ships of war. Meanwhile would Mr. 
 
 " Bich." 
 would Mr. Bich stay to luncheon? 
 
 Mr. Bich stayed to luncheon. In the afternoon 
 he made a rough survey of the island, sounded the 
 surrounding waters, declared that movement had 
 ceased, and that so far as he could make out the 
 island was fast on a submarine reef, with which it 
 had collided so violently that a promontory had 
 cracked and was even now sinking, and with it the 
 Oyster. 
 
 Careful examination of the shore on that side of 
 the island revealed no more than the bodies of two 
 Lascars, two nailbrushes, a corded silk hat, a Bible, 
 a keg of rum and five tins of condensed milk. In 
 that awful shipwreck had perished nineteen Bishops 
 and their families, a hundred and ten members of
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND i$ 
 
 the professional and trading classes, the crew, the 
 captain, mates, and a cat. 
 
 They stood there on that wild shore amid the sol- 
 itude of sea and sky, the Skitish officer, the Bishop, 
 Arabella, and George Samways, and their emotions 
 were too deep for words. 
 
 V: CAPTAIN COURAGEOUS 
 
 THE ship lay-to, and, while the Captain and Mr. 
 Bich discussed the island in the language of their 
 trade, the Bishop, whenever possible, preached a 
 sermon, or discoursed on the beauties of nature; but 
 Arabella took George under her protection, had his 
 hair cut and his beard shaved, and with a smile 
 bought of the youngest sub-lieutenant a suit of his 
 shore-going clothes, a set of shirts, collars, and all 
 necessary under-garments. George found them 
 most uncomfortable, but bore with them for her 
 sake. 
 
 As the result of the eloquence of Mr. Bich the 
 Captain went ashore and returned to report that, 
 the promontory now having sunk to the depths of the 
 ocean, a very decent harbour had been made and the 
 island would be valuable to the Empire as a coaling- 
 station. His pockets were bulging when he came 
 aboard, and Arabella elicited from Mr. Bich that
 
 16 WINDMILLS 
 
 the island was rich in precious stones and metals, 
 and that the pebbles of which her cabin had been 
 built were emeralds and aquamarines such as had 
 never before been seen. Arabella told her father, 
 and he bade her say nothing, adding impressively: 
 " We must protect Mr. Samways' interests." 
 But George was thinking of nothing but the best 
 means of obliterating Mr. Bich, upon whom it 
 seemed to him that Arabella was casting a too fa- 
 vourable eye. 
 
 VI: HOSTILITIES 
 
 As the ship steamed away from the island the smoke 
 of another vessel was sighted. It was signalled, but 
 no reply was hoisted. There was great excitement 
 on board and the chief gunner said: 
 
 " Let me have a go at them." 
 
 The Captain stood upon the bridge, a figure of 
 calm dignity with a telescope to his eye. Mr. Bich 
 explained to Arabella and George that the ship was 
 a Fatter ship, and that the Fatters had lately been 
 taking islands on the sly without saying anything to 
 anybody, because they were jealous of the Skitish 
 Empire and wanted to have one too. 
 
 "Do islands make an Empire?" asked George. 
 
 " Anything you can get," replied Mr. Bich.
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND 17 
 
 The Fatter ship was making for the island. 
 After her went the grey vessel, and it was a nose-to- 
 nose race who should first reach the harbour. The 
 Fatter ship won. The grey vessel fired a gun. 
 The gig was lowered and the Captain, looking very 
 grim and determined, put off in her. . . . Arabella 
 dropped a pin and it was heard all over the vessel. 
 It was a relief to all on board when the Bishop knelt 
 and offered up a prayer for the Captain's safety. 
 The Amen that came at the end of it brought the 
 tears to George's eyes, and his blood ran cold when 
 it swelled into a cheer as the Captain's gig broke 
 loose from the Fatter ship and came tearing over 
 the smooth waters. 
 
 The Captain's face was very white as he stepped 
 on deck and called Mr. Bich and the other officers 
 to his state-room, and whiter still were the faces of 
 Mr. Bich and the officers when they left it. The 
 vessel shook with the vibration of the engines : there 
 was a strange and stormy muttering among the men : 
 the vessel headed for the open sea. George was 
 taken to his cabin and locked in. He lay down on 
 the floor and tried to go to sleep. A roaring and a 
 rumbling and a banging and a thudding made that 
 impossible. The shaking made him feel so sick that 
 he wished to die. Near by he could hear Arabella 
 weeping, and that was more than he could bear. 
 He thrust and bumped against his door and worked
 
 l8 WINDMILLS 
 
 himself into a sweat over it, but it seemed that it 
 would not give. As he reached the very pit of de- 
 spair, the door gave, the floor gave, the walls heaved 
 in upon him; in one roaring convulsion he was flung 
 up and up and up, and presently came down and 
 down and down into the sea. It tasted salt and was 
 cool to his sweating body and he was glad of it. 
 
 VII: SIEBENHAAR 
 
 HE was not glad of it for long, because he soon be- 
 came very cold and was nipped to numbness. He 
 assumed that it was the end, and felt a remote regret 
 for Arabella. Other thought he had none. 
 
 When he came to himself he was, or seemed to be, 
 once more in the room from which he had been so 
 violently propelled, but there were two men stand- 
 ing near him and talking in a strange tongue. Pres- 
 ently there came a third man who spoke to him in 
 Fattish. 
 
 " Hullo! Thought you were done in," said the 
 man. 
 
 George stared. 
 
 " Done in. Dead." 
 
 " Yes, I was." 
 
 The man laughed. 
 
 " Funny fellow you are. Eyes just like a baby."
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND 19 
 
 " Where is Arabella?" asked George. " Where 
 ami?" 
 
 " Give you three guesses," said the man. 
 
 "On a ship?" 
 
 " Right." 
 
 " The Emperor-King's ship? " 
 
 " No. The King-Emperor's. You have the 
 honour to be the first prisoner in the great Fattero- 
 Fattish war." 
 
 "War? What is that?" 
 
 'War? You don't know what war is? Have 
 you never read a newspaper?" 
 
 " I have only read Tittiker. It tells about a War 
 Office, but I never knew what it was for." 
 
 " My name's Siebenhaar, engineer and philosoph- 
 ical student, and I fancy you are the man I have been 
 looking for all my life. You should be capable of a 
 pure idea. ..." 
 
 " What," asked George, " is an idea? " 
 
 Siebenhaar flung his arms around him and em- 
 braced him and recited a long poem in his own lan- 
 guage. 
 
 " You shall be presented at the Universities! " he 
 said. " You shall be a living reproach to all writers, 
 thinkers, artists, and I, Siebenhaar, will be your 
 humble attendant." 
 
 " Did I say anything unusual? " 
 
 "Unusual? Unique! Colossal! The ultimate
 
 20 WINDMILLS 
 
 question! 'What is war? What is an idea?' 
 Ach?" 
 
 George insisted on an explanation of the meaning 
 of war, and then he asked why the Fattish and the 
 Fatters should be intent upon mutual destruction, 
 and also what the difference between them might be. 
 
 " Difference?" said Siebenhaar. "The Fattish 
 drink beer that you can hold; the Fatters drink beer 
 that runs through you. That is all there is to it." 
 
 With that he sent for some Fatter beer and drank 
 a large quantity himself and made George taste it. 
 He spat it out. 
 
 " Is that why they are making war? " 
 
 Siebenhaar smacked his lips. 
 
 " Man," he said, " is the creature of his internal 
 organs, almost, I might say, their slave. The lungs, 
 the heart, the kidneys, the stomach, the bladder, 
 these control a man, and every day refashion him. 
 If they do their work well, so does he. If they do 
 it ill, then so does he. Each of the organs has se- 
 cretions which periodically choke their interaction, 
 and bring about a state of ill-humour and discom- 
 fort in which the difference between man and man 
 is accentuated, and their good relations degenerate 
 into hatred and envy and distrust. At such times 
 murders are committed and horrible assaults, but 
 frequently discretion prevails over those desires, 
 suppresses them but does not destroy them. They
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND 21 
 
 accumulate and find expression in war, which has 
 been led up to by a series of actions on the part of 
 men suffering from some internal congestion. Mod- 
 ern war, they say, is made by money, and the lust for 
 it. That is no explanation. No man becomes a 
 victim of the lust for money except something inter- 
 feres with his more natural lusts: no man, I go so 
 far as to say, could so desire money as to become a 
 millionaire except he were const " 
 
 " But what has this to do with beer? " interrupted 
 George. 
 
 " I'm coming to that," continued Siebenhaar. 
 
 " Beer taken in excess is a great getter of secre- 
 tions, and man is so vain an animal as to despise 
 those whose secretions differ from his own. What 
 is more obvious than that the implacable enemies of 
 the Eastern hemisphere should be those whose drink 
 is so much the same but so profoundly different in 
 its effects? Internal congestion may bring about 
 war, but in this war the material is undoubtedly sup- 
 plied by beer. And I may add, in support of my 
 theory, that once war is embarked upon, those en- 
 gaged in it suffer so terribly from internal disorgan- 
 isation as to become unanswerable for their actions, 
 and so mad as to rejoice in the near prospect of a 
 violent death. Moltke was notoriously decayed in- 
 side and the state of Napoleon's internal organs will 
 not bear thinking on."
 
 22 WINDMILLS 
 
 George protested that he had never heard of 
 Napoleon or Moltke, and Siebenhaar was on the 
 point of embracing him, when, muttering something 
 about Fatter beer, he rose abruptly and left the 
 room. 
 
 VIII: MORE OF SIEBENHAAR 
 
 " THERE is a woman aboard," said Siebenhaar when 
 he returned. " I suppose you have never seen a 
 woman? " 
 
 *' Two," said George simply. 
 
 Siebenhaar slapped his leg. 
 
 " Have you any theory about them? " he asked. 
 
 "Theory? I don't know what theory is. I 
 loved them. I put my arms round their necks and 
 rubbed my face against their soft faces. It was 
 very nice. I should like to do it every night before 
 I go to sleep. I should like to do it now." 
 
 " You shall," said Siebenhaar, and he went out 
 and came back with Arabella. 
 
 George leaped from his berth and flung his arms 
 round her neck and embraced her, and she was so 
 surprised and delighted that she kissed him, and 
 Siebenhaar wept to see it. 
 
 " I don't know who you are, madam," he said, 
 " but if I were you I should stick to that young man
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND 23 
 
 like a barnacle to a ship's bottom. I would creep 
 into his heart and curl up in it like a grub in a ripe 
 raspberry, and I would go down on my knees and 
 thank Heaven for having sent me the one man in the 
 modern world who may be capable of a genuine and 
 constant affection. You have him, madam, straight 
 from his mother's arms, with a soul, a heart, as vir- 
 gin as I hope your own are." 
 
 Arabella disengaged herself from George's now 
 ardent emlbrace, drew herself up, and with the haugh- 
 tiness of her race, said: 
 
 " My father was a bishop of the Church of Fat- 
 land." 
 
 " That," said Siebenhaar, " does not exempt you 
 from the normal internal economy of your sex or its 
 need of the (perfectly honest) love of the opposite 
 sex. My point is that you have here an unrivalled 
 opportunity of meeting an honest love, and I im- 
 plore you to take it." 
 
 " I would have you know," retorted Arabella, 
 " that I am engaged to my late father's chaplain." 
 
 " War," said Siebenhaar, " is war, and I should 
 advise you to seek protection where it is offered." 
 
 " If you would hold my hand in yours," said 
 George to Arabella, " I think I should sleep now. I 
 am so tired." 
 
 Arabella held George's hand and in two minutes 
 he was asleep.
 
 24 WINDMILLS 
 
 IX: SIEBENHAAR ON WOMEN 
 
 ' THERE are some," said Siebenhaar, " who regard 
 women as a disease, a kind of fungoid distortion of 
 the human form. But only the very lowest species 
 are hermaphrodite, and the higher seem to be split 
 up into male and female for the purpose of repro- 
 duction without temporary loss of efficiency in the 
 task of procuring food. The share of the male in 
 the act of reproduction is soon over, and among the 
 wisest inhabitants of the globe the male is destroyed 
 as soon as his share is performed. Human beings 
 are not very wise: they have an exaggerated idea of 
 their importance; and they are reluctant to destroy 
 the life of their kind except in occasional outbursts 
 of organised homicide such as that on which we are 
 now engaged. The share of the female entails the 
 devotion of many months, during which she needs 
 the protection of the male, whom, for that reason, 
 and also because she hopes to repeat the perform- 
 ance, she retains by every art at her disposal. 
 Hence has arisen the institution of marriage, which 
 pledges the male to the protection of the female 
 and their offspring. Whether a moral principle is 
 engaged in this institution is a question upon which 
 philosophers cannot agree. It is therefore left out 
 of most systems of philosophy. Mine is based on
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND 2$ 
 
 my answer to it, which is that there is no moral prin- 
 ciple engaged. Morality is for the few who are 
 capable of it. Few men have the capacity for ideas, 
 but all men love women, except a few miserable de- 
 generates, who prefer a substitute. There is no 
 idea in marriage. It is an expedient. Sensible 
 communities admit of open relief from it; in duller 
 communities relief has to be sought in the byways. 
 And still no moral principle is engaged. It is a mat- 
 ter only of supplying the necessities of human nature. 
 Now, love is a different affair altogether. Love is 
 an idea, a direct inspiration. It alone can transcend 
 the tyranny of the internal organs and lead a man 
 not only to perceive his limitations but within them 
 to create beauty, and creative a man must be directly 
 he becomes aware of the heat of love in the heart of 
 a woman. There is no other such purging fire, none 
 that can so illuminate the dark places of the world 
 or so concentrate and distil such lightness as there 
 is. All evil, I have said, comes from congestion; to 
 release the good a purge is necessary, and. there is 
 no purge like woman. Therefore, madam, I do 
 most solemnly charge you to tend the fire of love in 
 your heart. Never again will you find a man so 
 sensible to its warmth (most men can see no 
 difference between love and indigestion) Oh, 
 madam, discard all thoughts of marriage, which is 
 an expedient of prudence, which is cowardice, of
 
 26 WINDMILLS 
 
 modesty, which is a lure, of innocence, which in an 
 adult female is a lie, to the winds, do exactly as you 
 feel inclined to do, and love. Madam " 
 
 But by this Arabella was asleep. She had sunk 
 back against George, her lovely tresses lay upon his 
 shoulder, and her hand clasped his. 
 
 Siebenhaar wiped away a tear, heaved a great 
 sigh, took his beer-mug in his hand and crept away 
 on tip-toe. 
 
 X: LOVE 
 
 XI: MUSIC 
 
 ON deck was a band playing dirge-like dragging 
 hymns, for the Admiral of that ship was a very pious 
 man and believed that the Almighty was personally 
 directing the war against the enemies of Fatter- 
 land, and would be encouraged to hear that ship's 
 company taking him seriously. 
 
 No sooner did Siebenhaar set foot on deck than 
 he was arrested. 
 
 The Chaplain had listened to every word of his 
 discourse and reported it to the Admiral, who de- 
 tested Siebenhaar because he was always laughing
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND 27 
 
 and was very popular with the crew. Word for 
 word the Chaplain had quoted Siebenhaar's sayings, 
 so that he could deny nothing but only protest that 
 it was purely a private matter, a series of opin- 
 ions and advice given gratuitously to an interesting 
 couple. 
 
 " Nothing," roared the Admiral, " is given to the 
 enemies of our country." 
 
 ' We are all human," said Siebenhaar. " I was 
 carried away by the discovery of human feeling 
 amid the callousness of this pompous war." 
 
 The Admiral went pale. The Chaplain shud- 
 dered. The officers hid their faces. 
 
 " He has spoken against God's holy war," said 
 the Chaplain. 
 
 " That's all my eye," said Siebenhaar. " Why 
 drag God into it? You are making war simply be- 
 cause you have so many ships that you are ashamed 
 not to use them. The armament companies want 
 to build more ships and can invent no other way of 
 getting rid of them." 
 
 " God has given us ships of war," said the Chap- 
 lain, " even as He has given us the good grain and 
 the fish of the sea. Who are we that we should not 
 use them? " 
 
 The sub-Chaplain had been sent to discover the 
 effect of Siebenhaar's advice upon the enemies of 
 Fatterland. The accused had just opened his mouth
 
 28 WINDMILLS 
 
 to resume his defence when the sub-Chaplain re- 
 turned and whispered into the ear of his chief. 
 
 " God help us all ! " cried the Chaplain. " They 
 are desecrating His ship ! " 
 
 There was a whispered consultation. George 
 and Arabella were brought before the court, and if 
 George was the object of general execration, Ara- 
 bella won the admiration of all eyes, especially the 
 Admiral's, who regarded his affections as his own 
 particular, private and peculiar devil and was now 
 tempted by him. The Chaplain held forth at great 
 length; the Admiral grunted in apostrophe. Only 
 Siebenhaar could interpret. He said: 
 
 " They say we have blasphemed their God of 
 War. I by giving advice, you by acting on it. It is 
 not good to be fortunate and favoured among hun- 
 dreds of mateless males. It will go hard with us." 
 
 " And Arabella? " asked George. 
 
 " They will keep Arabella," replied Siebenhaar. 
 
 They were silenced. 
 
 A boat was stocked with corned beef, biscuits, 
 and water. George and Siebenhaar were placed in 
 it and it was lowered. The band resumed its play- 
 ing of dirge-like dragging hymns, and through the 
 wailing of the oboes and the cornet-a-piston George 
 could hear the sobs of Arabella.
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND 29 
 
 XII: ADRIFT 
 
 " Now/' said Siebenhaar, " you have an opportunity 
 to exercise your national prerogative and rule the 
 waves." 
 
 George made no reply. His internal organs were 
 supplying him with an illustration of Siebenhaar's 
 theory. The waves did just as they liked with the 
 boat, sent it spinning in one direction, wrenched it 
 back in another, slipped from under it, picked it up 
 again and every now and then playfully sent a 
 drenching spray over its occupants. 
 
 Siebenhaar talked, sang and slept, and, when he 
 was doing none of these things, ate voraciously. 
 
 " I insist on dying with a full stomach," he said 
 when George protested. 
 
 George ate and slept and thought of Arabella, 
 when he could think at all. 
 
 " Death," said Siebenhaar, " must be very sur- 
 prising: but then, so is life when you penetrate its 
 disguises and discover its immutability. We hate 
 death only because it is impossible to pretend that it 
 is something else, so that it comes at the end of the 
 comedy to give us the lie. After this experience I 
 think I shall change my philosophy and seek the 
 truth of life with the light of death. You never 
 know: it might become fashionable. Women like
 
 30 WINDMILLS 
 
 their thoughts ready-made, and they like them 
 bizarre. Women are undoubtedly superior to 
 men. ..." 
 
 But by this time George was in such a state of dis- 
 comfort that he lay flat on his face in the bottom 
 of the boat and groaned : 
 
 " I am going to die." 
 
 " Eat," said Siebenhaar, " eat and drink." And 
 he offered corned beef and water. 
 
 " I want to die," moaned George, and he wept 
 because death would not come at once. He hid his 
 face in his hands and howled and roared. Sieben- 
 haar himself ate the corned beef and drank the 
 water, and went on eating and drinking until he had 
 exhausted all their supply. Then he curled up in 
 the bows and went to sleep and snored. 
 
 And the waves changed their mood and gave the 
 boat only a gentle rocking. 
 
 George opened his eyes and gazed up into the sky. 
 It was night and the stars were shining brilliantly. 
 Red and yellow and white they were and they danced 
 above him. He was astonished to find that he did 
 not wish to die. He was very hungry. He crawled 
 over to Siebenhaar and shook him and woke him up. 
 
 There was neither food nor water in the locker. 
 
 " In the great cities of the civilised world," said 
 Siebenhaar, " there are occasional performers who 
 go without food for forty days. We shall see."
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND 31 
 
 _ 
 
 " I am thirsty," whimpered George. 
 ' Those occasional performers," returned Sieben- 
 haar, " drink water and smoke cigarettes, and they 
 are sheltered from the elements by walls of glass. 
 We shall see." 
 
 With that he turned over and went to sleep again. 
 
 XIII: HUNGER 
 
 GEORGE'S face was sunk and his eyes glared. Sie- 
 benhaar tried to spit into the sea, but it was impos- 
 sible. He was daunted into silence. 
 
 Another day began to dawn. 
 
 " If this goes on," said George in a dry whistling 
 croak of a voice, " I shall eat you." 
 
 And he glared so at Siebenhaar's throat that the 
 philosopher turned up his coat collar to cover it. 
 
 XIV: MILITARY 
 
 AT dawn a shower of rain came. They collected 
 water in George's boots. They had already eaten 
 Siebenhaar's. 
 
 Thus revived, George stood up, and on the edge 
 of the sea saw blue land and little white sails. They 
 came nearer and nearer, and presently they were de-
 
 32 WINDMILLS 
 
 livered by a little vessel that contained one white 
 man and ten negroes. Neither George nor Sieben- 
 haar could speak, but they pointed to their bellies 
 and were given to eat. 
 
 " I recant," said Siebenhaar. " There is nothing 
 to be learnt from death, for death is nothing. The 
 stomach is lord of life and master of the world." 
 
 With that he recounted their adventures and 
 the reason for their being in such a woeful plight. 
 The master of the ship, on learning that Sieben- 
 haar was a Fatter, said that he must deliver him up 
 as a prisoner when they reached Cecilia, the capital 
 of the Fattish colony which they would see as soon 
 as the fleet for it was a fishing fleet turned into 
 the bay. 
 
 " As a Philosopher," said Siebenhaar, " I have no 
 nationality. As an engineer but I am no longer 
 an engineer. The Admiral and the Chaplain will 
 have seen to that. My life is now devoted to Mr. 
 Samways, as in a certain narrower sense it has nearly 
 been." And he told the master of the ship how 
 George was by birth the proprietor of the island in 
 dispute between the two nations, and how the island 
 shone with precious stones and glittered with a 
 mountain of gold. The master's cupidity was 
 aroused, and he agreed to grant Siebenhaar his lib- 
 erty on the promise of a rich reward at the conclu- 
 sion of the war. He was a Fattishman, and could
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND 33 
 
 not believe that there would be any other end than 
 a Fattish triumph. 
 
 A pact was signed and they sailed into Cecilia, the 
 governor of which colony was Siebenhaar's cousin 
 and delighted to see him and to have a chance of 
 talking the Fatter language and indulging in philo- 
 sophical speculations for which his Fattish colleagues 
 had no taste. He welcomed George warmly on his 
 first entry in a civilised land, and was delighted to in- 
 struct him in the refinements of Fattish manners: 
 how you did not eat peas or gravy with your knife, 
 and how (roughly speaking) no portion of the body 
 between the knees and shoulders might be mentioned 
 in polite society, and how sneezing and coughing 
 and the like sudden affections were to be checked or 
 disguised. George talked of Arabella and the won- 
 derful stir of the emotions she had caused in him. 
 Colonel Sir Gerard Schweinfleisch (for that was his 
 name) was greatly shocked, and told how in the best 
 Fattish society all talk of love was forbidden, left by 
 the men to the women, and how among men the emo- 
 tions were never discussed, and how, since it was im- 
 possible to avoid all mention of that side of life, men 
 in civilisation had invented a system of droll stories 
 which both provided amusement and put a stop to 
 the embarrassment of intimate revelations. 
 
 However, as George's vigour was restored by the 
 good food he ate in enormous quantities, he could
 
 34 WINDMILLS 
 
 not forbear to think of Arabella or to talk of her. 
 He spoke quite simply of her to a company of 
 officers, and they roared with laughter and found it 
 was the best story they had ever heard. 
 
 When the officers were not telling droll stories, 
 they were playing cards or ball games or boasting 
 one against the other or talking about money. 
 
 George asked what money was, and they showed 
 him some. He was disappointed. He had ex- 
 pected something much more remarkable because 
 they had been so excited about it. They told him he 
 must have money, and Colonel Sir Gerard Schwein- 
 fleisch gave him a sovereign. A man in the street 
 asked George to lend him a sovereign and George 
 gave it to him. The officers were highly amused. 
 
 The adventurers had not been in Cecilia above 
 a week when the town was besieged and presently 
 bombarded. Except that there was a shortage of 
 food and that every day at least thirty persons were 
 killed, there was no change in the life of the place. 
 The officers told droll stories and played cards or 
 ball games or boasted one against the other or 
 talked about money. They ate, drank, slept, and 
 quarrelled, and Geo-rge found them not so very much 
 unlike himself except that he was serious about his 
 love for Arabella, while they laughed. He asked 
 Siebenhaar what civilisation was. Said the philos- 
 opher with a wave of his hand:
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND 35 
 
 " They have built a lot of houses." 
 
 " But the ships out there are knocking them 
 down." 
 
 ' They have made railways from one town to an- 
 other." ' 
 
 " But the black men have torn the railways up." 
 (For the native tribes had risen.) 
 
 Said Siebenhaar: 
 
 " No one can define civilisation. It means doing 
 things." 
 
 "Why?" 
 
 " Thou art the greatest of men," replied Sieben- 
 haar, and his face beamed approbation and love upon 
 his friend. But to put an unanswerable question to 
 Siebenhaar was to set him off on his theories. 
 
 " First," he said, " the stomach must be fed. 
 Two men working together can procure more food 
 than two men working separately. That is as far as 
 we have got. Until the two men trust each other we 
 are not likely to get any further. Until then they 
 will steal each other's tools, goods, women, and 
 squabble over the proceeds of their work and make 
 the world a hell for the young. When one man 
 steals or murders it is a crime : when forty million 
 men steal, murder, rape, burn, destroy, pillage, sack, 
 oppress, they are making glorious history, a lot of 
 money, and, if they like to call it so, an Empire. 
 But Empire and petty thefts are both occasioned by
 
 36 WINDMILLS 
 
 the lamentable distrust of the two men of our postu- 
 late." 
 
 " But for Arabella," said George, " I could wish 
 I had never left my island." 
 
 News of the war came dribbling in. The island 
 had been twice captured by the Fatter fleet, and 
 twice it had been evacuated. The Patters had suf- 
 fered defeat in their home waters but had gained a 
 victory in the Indian seas. Came news that the is- 
 land had again been captured, then the tidings that 
 the whole of the Fatter fleet and army was to be con- 
 centrated upon Cecilia and the colony of which it 
 was the capital. 
 
 " Why? " asked George. 
 
 " Because a new reef of gold has been discovered 
 up-country." 
 
 The bombardment grew very fierce. From the 
 mountain above the town ships of war could be seen 
 coming from all directions, and some of them were 
 Fattish ships, but not enough as yet to come to grips 
 with the Fatter fleet. 
 
 The inland frontiers were attacked but held, 
 though with frightful loss of life. Then one night 
 from the Fatter fleet came a landing party, and Col- 
 onel Sir Gerard Schweinfleisch called a council of 
 war, and the officers sat from ten o'clock until three 
 in the morning debating what had best be done. 
 
 At half-past one the landing party were only a
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND 37 
 
 mile away. A shell burst in the street as George 
 was walking to his lodging and three men were killed 
 in front of him. It was the first time he had seen 
 such a thing. It froze his blood. He gave a yell 
 that roused the whole town, ran, was followed 
 by a crowd of riff-raff seizing weapons as they went, 
 and rushed down upon the enemy, who had stopped 
 for a moment to see two dogs fighting in the road. 
 They were taken by surprise and utterly routed. 
 
 There is no more rousing episode in the whole mil- 
 itary history of Fatland. George was for three days 
 the hero of the Empire. He received by wireless 
 telegraphy countless offers of marriage, ten proposals 
 from music-hall engagements, and by cable a demand 
 for the story of the fight from the noble proprietor 
 of a Sunday newspaper. It was impossible to per- 
 suade that noble proprietor that there was no extant 
 photograph of Mr. Samways, and a fortune was 
 spent in cablegrams in the fruitless attempts to do so. 
 
 XV: NAVAL 
 
 As it turned out the concentration on Cecilia was a 
 fatal tactical error, directly traceable to the King- 
 Emperor, who had never left the capital of Fatter- 
 land and had been misled by certain telegrams which 
 had been wrongly deciphered. The entire Fattish
 
 38 WINDMILLS 
 
 navy was collected upon the bombarding fleet and 
 utterly destroyed it. 
 
 George and Siebenhaar watched the engagement 
 from the mountain above Cecilia. It was almost 
 humorous to see the huge vessels curtsey to the water 
 and so disappear. It was astonishing to see the Fat- 
 tish admiral surround nine of his own vessels and 
 cause them also to curtsey and disappear. 
 
 " What in hell," said George, who had by now 
 learned the nature of an oath, " what in hell is he 
 doing that for? " 
 
 " That," said Siebenhaar, " is for the benefit of 
 the armament contractors. A war without loss of 
 ships is no use to them." 
 
 And suddenly George burst into tears, because he 
 had thought of all the men on board, and was over- 
 come with the futility of it all and the feeling that 
 he was partially to blame for having been born on his 
 island. 
 
 XVI: NATIONAL 
 
 THE Fattish are an emotional race. They had over- 
 come the Fatters, and the only outstanding hero of 
 that war was George. They insisted on seeing 
 George. They clamoured for him. They sent a 
 cruiser to fetch him from Cecilia, and the com-
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND 39 
 
 mander of that cruiser was none other than Mr. 
 Bich, who had won promotion. 
 
 His astonishment was no less great than George's, 
 but his adventures were less interesting. After the 
 destruction of the ship he had been saved by a turtle 
 which had been attracted by his brass buttons and 
 had allowed him to ride on his back so long as they 
 lasted. He had had to give it one every twenty min- 
 utes, and had just come to his last when he was seen 
 and rescued. He had thought himself the only sur- 
 vivor, and when he heard that Arabella also had been 
 delivered from the waves there came into his eye a 
 gleam which George did not like. 
 
 The voyage was quite monotonously uneventful 
 and George was glad when they reached Fatland. 
 The Mayor, Corporation, and Citizens, also dogs 
 and children, of the port at which he landed, turned 
 out to meet him; he was given the freedom of the 
 borough, and a banquet, and at both ceremony and 
 meal he was photographed. 
 
 In Bondon he was given five public meals in two 
 days. He was so bewildered by the number of peo- 
 ple who thronged round him that he left all arrange- 
 ments in Siebenhaar's hands, and Siebenhaar liked 
 the banquets. 
 
 He was received by the Emperor-King and deco- 
 rated, and the Empress-Queen said: " How do you 
 do, Mr. Samways? "
 
 40 WINDMILLS 
 
 He was followed everywhere by enormous crowds, 
 and outside his lodgings there were always ten police- 
 men to clear a way for the traffic. His romantic his- 
 tory had put a polish on his fame : the motherless and 
 fatherless orphan, all those years a<lone upon an is- 
 land; no woman in Fatland old or young, rich or 
 poor, but yearned to be a mother to him and make up 
 to him for all those years. And then the wonderful 
 story of his acceptance of the Fattish religion, his re- 
 ception on those golden sands into the church at the 
 hands of the good Bishop of Bygn, after the appal- 
 ling disaster to the Oyster. All was known, and the 
 emotional Fattish found it irresistibly moving. 
 George in all innocence created a religious revival 
 such as had never been known. The theatres, music- 
 halls, picture palaces were deserted: no crowds at- 
 tended the football matches or the race-meetings, and 
 when the newspapers had exhausted the Story of 
 George Samways their circulation dropped to next to 
 nothing. The situation for certain trades looked 
 black indeed. 
 
 But of all of this George recked nothing. His 
 one thought was for Arabella.
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND 41 
 
 XVII: REUNION 
 
 / 
 
 SIEBENHAAR took a malicious delight in the ruin of 
 the newspaper trade, and pledged George to attend 
 a mammoth church meeting in Bondon's greatest hall 
 of assembly. There were forty bishops on the plat- 
 form, and a Duke presided. George entered. 
 There were tears, cheers, sobs, sighs, groans, conver- 
 sions; and hundreds suddenly became conscious of 
 salvation, swooned away and were carried out. 
 
 The Duke spoke for fifty minutes. Mr. Samways 
 (he said) would now tell the story of his er er 
 
 " Have I got to say something? " said George to 
 Siebenhaar. 
 
 " Tell them," said Siebenhaar, " to look after the 
 stomach and the rest will look out for itself." 
 
 George advanced toward the front of the plat- 
 form and beamed out upon the eager audience. 
 
 Arabella let a pin drop and it could be heard all 
 over the hall. 
 
 It was Arabella! For a moment George could 
 not believe his eyes. It was she ! He leaped down 
 from the platform, took her in his arms and covered 
 her with kisses. 
 
 So strong was the hypnotic power of his fame that 
 there was no male in that huge audience but followed 
 his example, no female, old or young, rich or poor,
 
 42 WINDMILLS 
 
 but yielded to it. In vain did the bishops protest 
 and quote from the marriage service of the Fattish 
 Church; in vain did they go among the audience 
 and earnestly implore the individual members of it 
 to desist. They replied that George Samways had 
 revealed a new religion and that they liked it. 
 
 And above the tumult rose the voice of Siebenhaar 
 saying: But what he said is unprintable. 
 
 XVIII: BETROTHAL 
 
 How he escaped from the pandemonium George 
 never knew, but his first clear recollection after it was 
 of being borne swiftly through the streets of Bondon 
 with Arabella in his arms, she weeping and telling 
 him of the hard and vile usage she had been put to 
 on the Fatter ship, for the Admiral was a horrid 
 man. She told him how she had at last been taken 
 to the Fatterland and there, by her father's influ- 
 ence (for her father also had been marvelously de- 
 livered from an untimely end) released and sent, 
 first-class at the expense of the Fatter Government, 
 home to Fatland, and how she had there resumed her 
 old life of district visiting and tea parties and dio- 
 cesan conferences and rescuing white slaves and had 
 been content in it until she had seen him, when all her 
 old love had sprung once more into flame and she
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND 43 
 
 would never, never desert him more. George wept 
 also and protested that he would never leave her 
 side. 
 
 She took him to her home, and her father, who 
 had been prevented by indisposition from attending 
 the meeting, blessed him and made him welcome. 
 
 It was very late and George drew Arabella to his 
 side and said he would send for his things. 
 
 " Things ! " said the Bishop. 
 
 " We love each other," replied George. 
 
 " Do you propose to marry this man? " asked the 
 Bishop. 
 
 Arabella blushed and explained to George that he 
 must go away until they were married, and the 
 Bishop revealed the meaning of the word. 
 
 " But why?" asked George. 
 
 " It is so ordained," said the Bishop, and George 
 was exasperated. 
 
 " I love Arabella," he cried. " What more do 
 you want? And what on earth has it got to do with 
 you or anybody else ? I love Arabella, and my love 
 has survived shipwreck, starvation, explosion, battle, 
 murder, and the public festivities of Fatland. . . ." 
 
 With extraordinary cynicism the Bishop replied: 
 
 " That may be. But it is doubtful if it will sur- 
 vive marriage; therefore marriage is necessary." 
 
 This illogical argument silenced George. The 
 Bishop finally gave his consent and the marriage was
 
 44 WINDMILLS 
 
 arranged to take place in a month's time, and the 
 announcement of the betrothal was sent to the only 
 remaining morning newspaper. 
 
 XIX: REACTION 
 
 THERE were great rejoicings when peace between 
 Fatland and Fatterland was signed and ratified, and 
 the day was set apart for an imposing ceremony at 
 the Colonial Office, when George's island was to be 
 solemnly incorporated in the Empire. 
 
 In a little room high up in the huge offices Field- 
 Marshals, Admirals, and Cabinet Ministers foregath- 
 ered. The State Map of the World was produced 
 and the island was marked on it, and George with 
 his own hand was to have the privilege of underlin- 
 ing its name in red ink. It was an awful moment. 
 George dipped his pen in the ink (it was the first 
 time he had ever held a pen in his hand and he had 
 to be instructed in its use) ; he dipped his pen in the 
 ink, held it poised above the map, when the door 
 opened and a white-faced clerk rushed in with a sheet 
 of paper as white as his face. This he gave to the 
 Colonial Secretary, who collapsed. The Lord High 
 Flunkey took the paper and said: 
 
 "Good God!"
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND 45 
 
 George dropped the pen and made a red blot on 
 the State Map of the World. 
 
 The Lord High Flunkey pulled himself together 
 and said: 
 
 " My Lords and Gentlemen, the South Seas 
 Squadron commissioned to annex the new island re- 
 ports that it has moved on and cannot be found." 
 
 " This is a serious matter, Mr. Samways," said 
 the senior Admiral. 
 
 " I'm awfully sorry," answered George, and he 
 walked out of the room. 
 
 It had been arranged that when George under- 
 lined the name of his island on the map, the national 
 flag should be run up on the offices so that the ex- 
 pectant crowd should know that the Empire had 
 been enlarged and the war justified. There was an 
 appalling silence as George left the building. He 
 slipped into the crowd before he was recognized and 
 before the awful news had spread. 
 
 There was a groan, a hoot, a yell, and the crowd 
 stormed and raved. Stones flew, and soon there was 
 not a window in that office left unbroken. 
 
 The Government resigned, and with its fall fell 
 George Samways. He was not the object of any 
 active hostility. He was simply ignored. It was 
 as though he had never been. When he called at the 
 Bishop's house to see Arabella, the footman stared 
 through him and said the Bishop would be obliged
 
 46 WINDMILLS 
 
 if he would write. George took the fellow by the 
 scruff of the neck and laid him on the floor. Then 
 he ran upstairs to Arabella's room. 
 
 " You ! " she said. 
 
 " Yes. I love you." 
 
 " We can't be married now." 
 
 " No. We needn't wait now. You're coming 
 with me." 
 
 He assisted her to pack a small handbag, and with 
 that they set forth. 
 
 At Gaorge's lodgings they found Siebenhaar in 
 argument with the master of the ship, who had de- 
 livered them and had now come to Bondon to claim 
 his reward. He had sailed from Cecilia in his own 
 ship, which was even now at the docks. 
 
 " We will sail in her," said George, " and we will 
 find my island." 
 
 " Find the island? The whole navy's looking for 
 it!" 
 
 " It will come to me," said George. 
 
 And Siebenhaar embraced Arabella and congratu- 
 lated her on having taken his advice. 
 
 XX: HOME 
 
 THEY had a pleasant voyage, saw the sea-serpent 
 twice, and when they came to the South Seas every
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND ^47 
 
 night George sang those strange melodious chants 
 that he had made out of Tittiker. One night when 
 they had been at sea nigh eight months up and down 
 the Southern Seas and almost into the Antartic, 
 George fell into a kind of swoon and said: 
 
 " She is coming, she is coming, my mother, my 
 land." 
 
 And Arabella, fearing for his reason, implored 
 Siebenhaar to distract him with talk, and the master 
 of the ship to make for the nearest port. But 
 George silenced Siebenhaar, and in an unearthly 
 voice he crooned: 
 
 " Cathoire Mor, or the Great had thirty 
 sons. 
 
 Conn Ceadchadhach, called the Hero of the 
 Hundred Battles slain. 
 
 Conaire killed. 
 
 Art-Aonfhir, the Melancholy slain in battle. 
 
 Lughaidh, surnamed MacConn thrust 
 through the eye with a spear in a conspiracy. 
 
 Feargus, surnamed Black-teeth murdered at 
 the instigation of his successor. 
 
 Cormac-Ulfhada ' A Prince of the most ex- 
 cellent wisdom, and kept the most splendid 
 court that ever was in Bareland ' ; choked by 
 the bone of a fish at supper . . ." 
 
 Near dawn he rose to his feet and stood with out-
 
 48 WINDMILLS 
 
 stretched arms, yelling at the top of his voice: 
 
 "Connor, or Conchabhar 'died of grief, 
 
 being unable to redress the misfortunes of 
 
 his country.' 
 
 Niall-Caillie drowned in the river Caillie. 
 Turgesius ' expelled the Barish historians, 
 
 and burnt their books ' ; thrown into a lough 
 
 and drowned. . . ." 
 
 And Siebenhaar lifted up his eyes in wonder, for 
 there was such a note of triumph in George's voice. 
 
 The sun was casting up his first rosy glow upon 
 the sky, and against it, dark blue, almost purple, 
 stood a tall hill that grew. There was little wind, 
 but the ship sped forward. 
 
 "My beloved! My island!" cried George, 
 and Arabella fell upon his neck. 
 
 As the sun rose above the horizon they slipped 
 ashore upon the yellow sands, and George's palm 
 tree bowed to them and they four, George, Arabella, 
 Siebenhaar and the master of the ship, joined hands 
 and danced together. 
 
 Then George took Arabella to the little cabin and 
 he said: 
 
 " The house I built for you." 
 
 But Siebenhaar said : 
 
 " I am devilish hungry."
 
 Ultimus
 
 I: THE SON OF HIS FATHER 
 
 THOUGH her love for George never faded, Arabella 
 could not take kindly to life on the island. She 
 bore herself cheerfully until she was with child, and 
 then, when she began to plan careers for her son, she 
 was oppressed by the absence of opportunity which 
 that life could afford. She told herself that when 
 she was dead and Siebenhaar was dead and George 
 was dead the boy would be left alone with the Cap- 
 tain, who was only a common man. She had an- 
 other two months to go when the Captain disap- 
 peared one night with his ship and a cargo of rubies 
 and emeralds. The blow was too much for her: the 
 only means of communication with the world of 
 Bishops and white slaves was gone; she sank into a 
 profound melancholy: the boy was born before his 
 time ; and she died. 
 
 George flung himself on the sands and wept and 
 swore he would call the boy Judas, because he had 
 betrayed him. However, Siebenhaar protested, 
 saying that, as the boy could not be christened, it was 
 not right to give him a Biblical name. He said that 
 he personally should call him Ultimus as he bade 
 
 51
 
 52 WINDMILLS 
 
 fair to be the last of his line, unless, as had happened 
 before, the island should insist on its population 
 being continued. For that was how, after much 
 cogitation, the philosopher had come to explain the 
 previous strange adventure. George was indiffer- 
 ent, but from hearing Siebenhaar call the boy Ulti- 
 mus he also adopted the name, not knowing its sad 
 significance. Bearing deeply imprinted in his soul 
 the marks of his unhappy contact with the world, 
 George forbade all mention of it in his son's pres- 
 ence. Never was he to know of the hateful race 
 who inhabited Fatland, and of the indomitable Fat- 
 ters whose admiral had so shamefully treated his 
 mother. However, Siebenhaar used to talk in his 
 sleep, and he often slept in the middle of the day. 
 When he was six years old little Ultimus came to his 
 father and said: 
 
 "What is God? What is an engine? Is the 
 world round? What is a mother? Who is Sieben- 
 haar's father? What is a professor? Why does 
 Siebenhaar talk in two ways? If you helped me to 
 be born why can't I help someone else? Is a Bishop 
 a kind of man? Did I kill my mother, and how did 
 I do it if I never saw her? Is this your island? 
 What is an island? Are there other sorts of land? 
 Are the stars land? Is the moon land ? Is the sun 
 land? If you are my father, why isn't Siebenhaar 
 some one's father? Are all big men fathers?
 
 ULTIMUS 53 
 
 How do they do it ? There are two kinds of goats, 
 why aren't there two kinds of men? If there are 
 she-goats, why aren't there she-men? What is a 
 ship? Siebenhaar is always talking about ships. 
 What is money? Are you a King? There is a 
 King in Fatland. When is a father grand? . . ." 
 
 George gave one despairing look at his son. He 
 groaned : 
 
 " Arabella, my love, my love." 
 
 Then he walked out into the sea and disappeared. 
 A few hours later his body was washed up on the 
 shore, and Siebenhaar had to explain to the boy that 
 his father was dead. Ultimus said: 
 
 "He walked out into the sea." 
 
 " To such peace," replied Siebenhaar solemnly, 
 " do we all come." 
 
 II: QUESTIONS 
 
 IF the boy's questions were fatal to his father they 
 were a delight to Siebenhaar, who had no further 
 scruple about giving instruction, for, in the hardship 
 and solitude which had been his fate since his en- 
 counter with George, his philosophy had matured 
 and he saw that the remaining years of his life might 
 be spent in the instruction and preparation of a dis- 
 ciple.
 
 54 WINDMILLS 
 
 They would sit for hours together on the sands 
 drawing maps and diagrams for illustration. Sie- 
 benhaar had no knowledge which he did not com- 
 municate to Ultimus, who by the time he was seven- 
 teen was a master of mathematics, German philos- 
 ophy, the rudiments of physics, chemistry, geology, 
 physiology, biology, psychology, botany, meteorol- 
 ogy, astronomy. They made wind and stringed in- 
 struments and played duets composed of what Sie- 
 benhaar could remember of Beethoven. The boy 
 was a good sculptor and painter, a carpenter, a cab- 
 inet-maker, a mason, a cook, an engineer, a weaver, 
 a tailor, a cobbler. He could read and write five 
 languages, was familiar with the geography of the 
 whole world, and knew the situations of the best 
 brothels in all the first-class ports. When he began 
 to have needs which there was no means of satisfy- 
 ing, Siebenhaar explained them to him : 
 
 " You are now reaching that state of man which 
 reveals the futility of all knowledge, since you are 
 awakened to desires which no knowledge can satisfy. 
 Rest assured that in the world your case would be no 
 better, but rather would be aggravated by 'opportun- 
 ity and failure. You are, at any rate, spared the 
 tragedy of your father whose love destroyed the 
 object of his desire and reduced him to a morbid con- 
 dition in which your healthy wish for knowledge was
 
 ULTIMU3 55 
 
 more than he could bear. It is right to wish for 
 knowledge, because only through that can we recog- 
 nise our ignorance, and see the humour of our posi- 
 tion. If you can see that you can be happy and glad 
 that you have lived." 
 
 Poor Ultimus tried hard to do so, but he often 
 retired from their conversations to weep, and Sie- 
 benhaar would find him sitting in the water consol- 
 ing himself with music. The unhappy youth be- 
 came a prey to boredom and wearied of the arts and 
 sciences and discussions with which they filled the 
 day. They had long ago arrived at the conclusion 
 that there was no God, no ascertainable purpose in 
 the universe, and nothing in life but the fun or nui- 
 sance of living. He became romantic and plagued 
 Siebenhaar for stones, love-stories, bawdy experi- 
 ences, the tale of his meeting with George, and the 
 deathless fable of the love of George and Arabella. 
 From that he came to delight in the idea of war, and 
 Siebenhaar explained to him how wars came about: 
 how in the first place men were obsessed by supersti- 
 tions about God, each community believing itself to 
 be specially favoured and inspired by the unseen 
 powers, and ignoring all the evidence to the con- 
 trary, as poverty, disease, corruption, bad art, ineffi- 
 ciency, and domestic unhappiness. As a consequence 
 each community was jealous of every other, and sup-
 
 56 WINDMILLS 
 
 ported its claims to moral superiority and divine 
 favour with a great show of force, of armed ships 
 on the sea and trained men on the land. 
 
 To illustrate his remarks Siebenhaar concocted ex- 
 plosives and Ultimus found such great amusement in 
 them and was so busy destroying the houses he had 
 built, the statues he had made, the engines he had 
 contrived, that the philosopher was forced to change 
 his theory of war and to see that it has its roots in 
 boredom. 
 
 Thereafter Ultimus was alternately busy with the 
 arts and sciences and with destroying all his works 
 when he was bored with them and could not help rec- 
 ognising their futility. As his explosives upset Sie- 
 benhaar's nerves and the tranquillity he required for 
 his contemplation, they made an arrangement that 
 Ultimus should give notice of his destructive inten- 
 tions when he felt them coming on. Then Sieben- 
 haar would retire to the other side of the island and 
 leave him to it. 
 
 The boy made a careful study of explosives and 
 experimented with them until he could send huge 
 palm trees hundreds of feet into the air. It became 
 his ambition to blow up the mountain. He made 
 several attempts, but could not succeed. He blew 
 great holes in it and discovered mines of gold and 
 diamonds and platinum and various new earths which, 
 when mixed with his explosive, increased its power.
 
 U L T I M U S 57 
 
 But the mountain seemed to be capable of absorbing 
 any shock. He had just given up his experiments in 
 despair when Siebenhaar came rushing over in a 
 great state of excitement to say that the island had 
 moved a degree and a half. 
 
 The two men looked at each other incredulously, 
 not daring to believe in what was thumping in both 
 their minds. They prepared a new charge, took 
 their bearings, exploded it, atid found that they were 
 moving at the rate of twenty-three knots an hour, 
 N.N.W. The next charge they placed so that the 
 island moved W.N.W. 
 
 They could then navigate and go whither they 
 pleased. They embraced, danced, killed a goat, and 
 drank heavily to celebrate their triumph. 
 
 Ill: CIVILISATION 
 
 THE north point of the island was a rocky headland, 
 a precipice hundreds of feet above the sea-level. Be- 
 yond it jutted three jagged rocks. One morning 
 Siebenhaar found on one of these rocks the hull of a 
 vessel, and when he looked closer he saw a man sit- 
 ting disconsolate upon it. He fetched Ultimus, who 
 threw stones to attract the man's attention. It was 
 impossible to make him hear. They gesticulated to 
 tell him to swim to his right, and at last he caught
 
 58 WINDMILLS 
 
 their meaning, stripped and plunged into the sea. 
 They had already stopped the island, which was now 
 making only a gentle way, so that there was no dan- 
 ger of his being run down. 
 
 By the time they reached the shore the man was 
 already sitting on the sands drying himself and eat- 
 ing a cocoa-nut. He was above middle age, and 
 had a little fat belly and long thin legs. Siebenhaar 
 addressed him in Fattish, and the man said he was a 
 Rear-Admiral in the Fattish Navy and would like to 
 know what in hell they meant by ruining his battle 
 in which he had got the Fatters fairly on the run. 
 
 " Battle? " said Siebenhaar. 
 ' Yes. Four cruisers, six destroyers, and tor- 
 pedo craft. All gone on the rocks. The most amaz- 
 ing thing in all my long experience. Not a sign of 
 a rock on the chart. You must have got the Fatters 
 first, for their firing suddenly ceased. Who are 
 you? What are you?" 
 
 Siebenhaar told him it was Samways Island. 
 
 The man's jaw dropped. 
 
 " I spent the best part of three years after that," 
 he said. " I originally annexed it for the Empire." 
 
 " Not," cried Siebenhaar. " Not Mr. Bich? " 
 
 " Bich is my name." 
 
 Siebenhaar disclosed his identity and Rear-Ad- 
 miral Bich covered his amazement and emotion with 
 a volley of expletives. He asked after George, and
 
 ULTIMUS 59 
 
 when he was told that both he and Arabella were 
 dead he could not check his tears. 
 
 He shook Ultimus warmly by the hand and said 
 he was the very spit of his father, with a strong look 
 of his mother. Then he added: " I must not for- 
 get my duty as an officer, and, as a matter of form, 
 I claim the island once more for the Empire." 
 
 " If you do," said Ulticmus quietly, " I shall blow 
 you in pieces. I know how the Fattish Empire 
 treated my father, and, but for your kindly thoughts 
 of my mother, I would send you to join the ships 
 which I am only too happy to have destroyed if such 
 a disaster can cause any genuine commotion in Bon- 
 don. I will further caution you to be careful what 
 you say, as I am unaccustomed to society other than 
 that of the wise Siebenhaar, and already feel my soul 
 filled with dislike and contempt for you. This island 
 is my island by inheritance, it is moving by my will 
 and I shall allow you to stay on it just as long as you 
 are useful to me." 
 
 Rear-Admiral Bich saw the strength of Ultimus' 
 position and was silent until Siebenhaar asked him 
 for news of civilisation, when he expressed surprise 
 that they had not heard of the war. 
 
 "War?" said Siebenhaar. "Are they still at 
 that game? Why, we were told that the Fattero- 
 Fattish war was to be the last." 
 
 " That," replied the Admiral, " was a mere skir-
 
 60 WINDMILLS 
 
 mish. There are six or seven nations at war with 
 Fatterland." 
 
 " Alas! my poor country! " cried the philosopher. 
 " I knew how it would be. Their infernal greed 
 and conceit, their confusion of mind, their slothful- 
 ness, their desire for discipline, their liking for mon- 
 uments and display, their want of tact, all these de- 
 fects needed but success for them to grow into active 
 vice and plunge them into disaster. To any nation 
 a period of successful peace is fatal. The employ- 
 ment of commercial cunning unredeemed by any 
 other exercise of the mind is, after a time, unutter- 
 ably boring, and the most obvious relief from it is 
 found in the ideal of a nation in arms. Now that 
 is a barren ideal. To train men for so stupid and 
 brutal a trade as the soldier's is to increase the al- 
 ready excessive amount of stupidity and brutality in 
 the world. To maintain large bodies of stupid and 
 brutal men in arms is in the end to be forced to find 
 an excuse for using them. Human nature, I fear, is 
 incurably pugnacious and destructive. I have had 
 to amend many of my more optimistic opinions con- 
 cerning the human race since I have had the privilege 
 of watching the development of our young friend 
 yonder. He is normal, healthy and intelligent, and 
 acquainted with all the resources of civilisation, 
 physical and mental. There is hardly a practical 
 discovery of modern science that I have not placed
 
 ULTIMUS 6l 
 
 at his disposal for his use and amusement, but these 
 do not satisfy him. He is not exposed to the nerv- 
 ous pressure to which in our crowded modern states I 
 used to ascribe outbreaks of hostility. No. In the 
 absence of an enemy he must declare war upon his 
 own handiwork, upon the elements, upon the very 
 earth itself." 
 
 " Before you go any further," said the Rear-Admi- 
 ral, " I should like something to eat, and I should 
 like to explain that on our side in the war is the right. 
 The Patters have behaved like savages. They have 
 burned cities, murdered old men and children, raped 
 women and committed every outrage." 
 
 " I have seen something of warfare myself," said 
 Siebenhaar. " It is a bestial occupation. When a 
 man has become accustomed to slaughter by license, 
 what is there to make him stop at minor offences such 
 as theft, rape, and wounding? Soldiers who are un- 
 chaste in peace do not become chaste when war is de- 
 clared. In a friendly country the women consent. 
 In a hostile country some of them protest, generally 
 because they are panic-stricken and in terror of 
 worse happening to them." 
 
 " This war," said the Rear-Admiral, " is holy." 
 
 " I am a Fatter," replied Siebenhaar, " and the 
 Patters have been taught for generations that all 
 war is holy and sanctifies all that is done in its
 
 62 WINDMILLS 
 
 " We," said the Fattishman, " fight like gentle- 
 
 men." 
 
 " And," retorted the philosopher, " like gentle- 
 men you burn and rape and pillage." 
 
 " Your conversation," said Ultimus, " has inter- 
 ested me extremely. I am filled with a burning de- 
 sire to see civilisation, war, soldiers, and, above all, 
 women. We will go to the centre of civilisation, 
 and if I do not like it I shall blow it in pieces." 
 
 " Two can play at that game," said Bich. " We 
 have explosives too." 
 
 For answer, Ultimus reached out and pressed two 
 wires together. There was a rumble, a crash, a 
 thud, and hundreds of tons of rock were torn away 
 from the side of the mountain and hurled into the air 
 to fall, miles away, into the sea. 
 
 IV: WAR AND WOMEN 
 
 As a sailor, Charles Bich, though middle-aged, liked 
 nothing better than to talk about women. He was 
 sentimental about them, but at the same time sensu- 
 ally appreciative of their beauty. To such an extent 
 did he inflame the young man's imagination that Sie- 
 benhaar had to protest. 
 
 " It is a shame," he cried, " that the son of such a
 
 U L T I M U S 63 
 
 father should be polluted with the obsessions of civ- 
 ilised men." 
 
 With the air -of leaving no more to be said, Ulti- 
 mus remarked: 
 
 " I like them." 
 
 " So do all unintelligent men," replied Siebenhaar, 
 " and they are driven mad by them and hope against 
 hope for the day when all restraint will be removed. 
 This is another potent factor in the production of 
 war. Women are not to the same degree subject to 
 these terrible obsessions, but they do regret their 
 limited opportunities in the organised society of 
 peace. Further, in times of war they like to think 
 that men are fighting for them, and they love to be 
 regaled with stories of violence and outrage, espe- 
 cially those who have been entirely chaste, and have 
 no hope of anything else." 
 
 The Rear-Admiral blushed. 
 
 ' When we fight," he said, " we fight for our 
 country, our King, our Empire, for the all-red map 
 of the world." 
 
 ' These," replied Siebenhaar, " are words. Coun- 
 try, King, Empire, are protective ideas. What you 
 love and what you defend is your mode of living, 
 which you have adopted partly because you have a 
 prejudice in favour of it, partly because you like it 
 better than any other you can conceive. Your living 
 consists in eating, drinking, consorting with women,
 
 64 WINDMILLS 
 
 and rearing any family you may produce. Every- 
 thing else is introduced merely to disguise any un- 
 pleasantness there may be in the exercise of those 
 functions. For the most part they are lies, illusions, 
 hallucinations, obsessions, which you find convenient 
 to cloak your unimportance. As a naval officer you 
 justify the absurd occupation by which you procure 
 your livelihood. My young friend here is under no 
 such painful necessity and I wish him to be spared 
 all mental confusion." 
 
 " Personally," interrupted Ultimus, " I do not 
 wish to be influenced by either of you. You, sir," 
 addressing Siebenhaar, " have given me all the 
 knowledge and wisdom you have stored up in your 
 adventurous life, and you, sir, have out of your life 
 of duty, given me a new interest in the two things, 
 war and women, which have hitherto been denied me. 
 I am much obliged to you, and, if you don't mind we 
 will continue the erection of the wireless installation 
 we began yesterday, because I am anxious to estab- 
 lish communication with the world as soon as possi- 
 ble." 
 
 Ultimus and Bich retired to the top of the moun- 
 tain leaving Siebenhaar sadly tracing on the sands a 
 rough caricature of a woman. So horrible was it to 
 him that he could not finish it and obliterated it with 
 his foot.
 
 U L T I M U S 65 
 
 V: WIRELESS 
 
 EVERY day brought messages from the world. The 
 Fattish had made a glorious retreat of sixty miles. 
 The Waltzians were offering a glorious resistance to 
 the Grossians. With the help of God the Patters 
 had gloriously evacuated their trenches on the west, 
 and heroically withdrawn from a river on the east. 
 With assistance from above the Fattish navy had 
 swept the Fatter flag from the seven seas. The 
 Bilgians had been nobly extinguished, though their 
 flag was still flying and their King ruled over a 
 flooded country. Hundreds of thousands of men 
 were killed, wounded, and lost. From country to 
 country General congratulated General, Admirals 
 sent their applause to Field-Marshals, Statesmen 
 exchanged bravos, and monarchs thanked each other 
 and God for timely assistance. 
 
 Rear- Admiral Bich said: "Isn't it glorious 
 glorious? " 
 
 " At present," replied Ultimus, " I am so confused 
 that I can make nothing of it. Why are they all so 
 pleased with themselves? Do they like to think of 
 thousands of men dying? " 
 
 " They have died for their country. They are 
 heroes." 
 
 " I don't see that. I cannot imagine myself going
 
 66 WINDMILLS 
 
 out of my way to die for my island, and Fatland is 
 also an island." 
 
 " Ah! " said the Rear-Admiral. " But there are 
 no women on your island, no little ones, no homes." 
 
 " There is Siebenhaar who has been father and 
 mother to me, master and instructor." 
 
 " Well ! Suppose you saw men designing to mur- 
 der Siebenhaar, would you not raise a hand to de- 
 fend him?" 
 
 44 Not if I saw there was not the remotest chance 
 of saving him. But that is nonsense. No one 
 would want to murder Siebenhaar." 
 
 " I don't know about that. There are times 
 when he is so exasperating that I hardly dare answer 
 for myself." 
 
 " That is absurd," replied Ultimus. " You know 
 that I should destroy you at once if you did anything 
 to Siebenhaar. The case might be different if you 
 were in such a position that there would be conse- 
 quences. But why deal with hypothesis when you 
 are confronted with facts? " 
 
 The simple sailor was no hand at an argument, 
 and just at that moment there came the news of the 
 loss of a Fattish fleet after an encounter with the 
 Patters, with an account of the heroic death of the 
 Commander, Rear-Admiral Sir Charles Bich. 
 
 Unfortunately the island was not yet in a position 
 to transmit messages and the unhappy Bich had to
 
 U L T I M U S 67 
 
 rest inactive, crushed with the burden of the news of 
 his own death and his inability to contradict it. 
 
 " You see," said Ultimus, "you have died for your 
 country, you are a hero, and you do not like it at all." 
 
 VI: BICB IS OBSTINATE 
 
 THE point was argued for many days. Bich 
 would not withdraw from his assertion that it was 
 glorious to die for his country, but at the same time 
 he could not disguise his distress at having done so. 
 
 " If I had died," he said, " it would have been 
 glorious." 
 
 " Only in the eyes of your countrymen," said Sie- 
 benhaar. " You already have that, and if you had 
 died you would not have known anything about it." 
 
 " There is a heaven above," cried Bich. 
 
 " Which you could never have entered. Has not 
 Heaven enjoined you not to kill and not to resist 
 evil?" 
 
 " In the service of my country! " 
 
 " What does heaven know of your country? 
 Heaven is eternal. Its laws are for eternity. Your 
 country, your Empire are mere temporary arrange- 
 ments for the convenience of a few millions of men 
 and women who wish to profit by the labours of peo- 
 ple less fortunate than themselves. You are there-
 
 68 WINDMILLS 
 
 fore contending that it is glorious to die for a 
 man's material advantage, or, in other words, for po- 
 litical and financial vested interests." 
 
 " I am prepared at any moment to die for my 
 country." 
 
 " You have died." 
 
 " I have not." 
 
 " You have died and been given the glory attach- 
 ing to such death." 
 
 " That is what I cannot bear." 
 
 " Then," said Ultimus, " I will give you a root 
 which will procure you a perfectly painless death. I 
 see that you do not mind dying for your country so 
 long as you do not know about it." 
 
 " And that," put in Siebenhaar, " is where he is 
 consistent. He is like all the men of his time and 
 condition; he does not mind living, in fact he quite 
 likes it, so long as he knows nothing about it and is 
 not called upon to realise what he is doing. When 
 he is faced with the consequences of such insensibility 
 he is so appalled that he welcomes the idea of death, 
 if he can find some excuse for it. Therefore he has 
 invented a myth called his country and proposes to 
 die for that. Acording to his prejudices it is cow- 
 ardly to draw a fire-arm upon himself, but it is right 
 and brave to place himself in the line of some one 
 else's fire. Such a condition of imbecility is ex- 
 tremely infectious. It sweeps through crowds of
 
 U L T I M U S 69 
 
 men like a disease through cattle. But, as men are 
 indomitably hopeful, they do not destroy each other, 
 as you, Ultimus, might suppose. No, they wait until 
 they can discover another crowd of men in the same 
 lamentable condition, and fall upon them in the hope 
 of a victory which shall restore their self-conceit and 
 once more blind them to the appalling consequences 
 of their own ill-doing. And here, at last, we do 
 touch upon one of the prime causes of war. Superfi- 
 cially it looks as though the immediate cause was this, 
 that the governors of States make such a mess of the 
 affairs with which they are entrusted and reduce their 
 people to so lamentable a condition that they must 
 seek war as an outlet, and to give the male populace 
 as soldiers the food which they have made it impos- 
 sible for them to earn as workers. There is also the 
 consideration that a large proportion of the male 
 populace will be removed from all possibility of 
 making trouble. That is an interesting but a super- 
 ficial view which attaches more blame to the rich 
 than they deserve. No. A more profound analy- 
 sis gives us the result I have previously indicated, 
 that wars are invariably due to moral epidemics. 
 And, since the human race will always be subject to 
 them, there will always be war." 
 
 Ultimus had withdrawn at the beginning of the 
 discussion. Having no knowledge of men in herds, 
 he could not follow the line of Siebenhaar's argu-
 
 70 WINDMILLS 
 
 ment. He returned now to say that he had obliter- 
 ated another battle. On this the Rear-Admiral was 
 excited and wished to know what ships he had seen 
 and what flag they were flying. 
 
 " I do not 'know," replied Ultimus, " but there 
 were nine ships attacking three and that struck me 
 as so unfair that I decided to make an end of it." 
 
 " But they may have been Fattish ships ! Have 
 you no regard for human life? " 
 
 Said Ultimus : 
 
 " There was no sign of anything human. They 
 looked like flies on the water. When I see three 
 scorpions attacking a smaller insect I always kill the 
 scorpions for their cowardice and the insect for hav- 
 ing called down their anger upon itself." 
 
 Rear-Admiral Bich drew himself up to his full 
 height and said : 
 
 " As a Christian I protest. As an officer and a 
 gentleman I must ask you to put me ashore at the 
 first opportunity. They may be Fattish ships which 
 you have destroyed. My King and country need 
 
 me." 
 
 " Come, come," interposed Siebenhaar, 
 King and country are probably doing very well with- 
 out you. They have an immense geographical ad- 
 vantage which only the blind jealousy of the Fatters 
 makes it impossible for them to admit. You are al- 
 ready a hero; poems have in all probability been
 
 ULTIMUS 71 
 
 written to your memory. You had better stay with 
 us. It will be much more amusing to see what ef- 
 fect Ultimus has on civilisation than to plunge back 
 into the fever which has seized it." 
 
 The Rear-Admiral looked scornful and very proud 
 and said: 
 
 " Herr Siebenhaar, on our previous acquaintance 
 only the protection of the late heroic Mr. Samways 
 prevented me from denouncing you as a Fatter spy. 
 I have not forgotten." 
 
 " What," asked Ultimus, " is a spy? " 
 
 " Spies," replied Siebenhaar, " are corrupt and 
 useless people who are sent out to frighten a hostile 
 nation by making them think that the enemy knows 
 more about them than they do themselves. They 
 are only used when the desire for war is very strong. 
 They exercise a paralysing effect upon the civil pop- 
 ulation and deliver them up to the guidance of their 
 own military authorities. They are like microbes 
 which carry the war fever from one country to an- 
 other. I regret that Sir Charles should have so 
 small an opinion of my intelligence as to think that 
 my country would make so trivial a use of me." 
 
 " I can't stand all this talk," muttered the Rear- 
 Admiral, and he went away and all night long paced 
 up and down the sands on the other side of the is- 
 land, imagining that he was once more serving his 
 King and country on his own quarter-deck.
 
 72 WINDMILLS 
 
 VII: PLANS 
 
 IN secret the indomitable servant of his country 
 made himself a boat, a coracle of palm branches and 
 mud, and when, a week later, they came in sight of 
 land and Ultimus put in close to have a good look at 
 it and the little white city built by the mouth of a 
 river, he put off in it without so much as saying good- 
 bye or thank you for the hospitality he had received. 
 
 " He will come back," said Siebenhaar; " he will 
 come and try to annex the island. No Fattish officer 
 can resist an island and the Fattish have been known 
 to waste thousands of lives in order to add a bare 
 rock or a pestilential swamp to their Empire. It is 
 an amiable lunacy which my unhappy race, who can- 
 not appreciate their geographical disadvantage, are 
 trying to emulate. What is the news of the war 
 to-day?" 
 
 " The official reports all agree in saying that there 
 is no further development. Every capable man in 
 every country is now bearing arms. All other activ- 
 ity is at a standstill. Stern measures have had to be 
 taken by the various governments to stop the emi- 
 gration of pregnant women to the peaceful countries 
 on the other side of the world." 
 
 "Ah! " said Siebenhaar, " I thought that would 
 happen, I thought the women would revolt as soon
 
 U L T I M U S 73 
 
 as war ceased to be an excitement and became a 
 trade." 
 
 " Some of the Governments," added Ultimus, 
 " are paying women over forty-five years of age 
 to go." 
 
 Siebenhaar chuckled. 
 
 " It is time we interfered, Ultimus. When they 
 lose their sense of humour so far as that, it is time 
 for action. We will go to Fatland. Where are 
 we now? " 
 
 " Off the coast of Africa." 
 
 ' We will lie out to sea until we have prepared the 
 island against all dangers. First of all we will blow 
 up the harbour. Then we will mine the shores all 
 round. We will prepare the rocks on the tops of the 
 mountains for missiles and we will lay in a great 
 stock of your new transmissible explosive. We will 
 then block the mouth of the great Fattish river, and 
 we shall see what we shall see. An intelligent use of 
 explosives should be able to counteract and if neces- 
 sary to crush the fatuous use of them that is now 
 being made. We will try persuasion, threats, and 
 violence in that order to stop the war, and if then we 
 cannot succeed we will abandon the human race al- 
 together and return to our own Southern Seas." 
 
 " You forget," expostulated Ultimus, " that I was 
 drawn here out of curiosity as to something else be- 
 sides the war, and that is, woman."
 
 74 WINDMILLS 
 
 " A man," said Siebenhaar, " bears a grudge 
 against woman for his birth; he is a fool to burden 
 himself with others against her." 
 
 " As I imagine them," replied the young man wist- 
 fully, " they are beautiful." 
 
 " Lord, Lord," cried Siebenhaar, " if only a young 
 man would be content with his imaginings." 
 
 VIII: IN FATTISH WATERS 
 
 THE island moved proudly up the Fattish channel, 
 until they came within sight of the land on either side 
 of it. Here was drawn up a great array of ships 
 like those which had been destroyed in the Southern 
 Seas. On the foremost of the ships were hoisted a 
 number of little flags which Siebenhaar interpreted 
 as saying : 
 
 " Good morning. Welcome home." 
 
 Now, the fragmentary message recorded by the 
 wireless gave the clue to the purport of this signal. 
 There had been a great rally of the Fattish Empire, 
 one colony had sent sacks of flour, another black cur- 
 rants, another black men, another brown sugar; all 
 came to the aid of the motherland in her need, all 
 forgot their grievances and vowed that they never 
 would be slaves. In the face of such a demonstra- 
 tion no doubt as to whether the Fattish empire really
 
 U L T I M U S 75 
 
 existed could survive. Men who would not admit 
 black, brown, or yellow men to their clubs welcomed 
 them to their trenches. Such unity, such loyalty, 
 such brotherhood, must lead to victory. But victory 
 was slow in coming and it was becoming difficult to 
 maintain interest in the war, when, suddenly, there 
 burst upon the Fattish public the news that the lost 
 island was responding to the call and even now com- 
 ing to place its unique powers of motion at the serv- 
 ice of the Emperor-King. The miraculous had hap- 
 pened. Once more it was obvious that the right was 
 on the Fattish side. Once more the streets of Bon- 
 don were thronged as on the eve of the declaration 
 of war. The map of the world with the red blot 
 made by George Samways was taken down and 
 copies of it were sold for the Imperial relief fund. 
 It was supposed that George Samways, the only hero 
 of the last war, was on the island and had induced it 
 to return to the fold. His downfall was forgotten, 
 his heroism remembered. 
 
 Ultimus stopped the island and entered into com- 
 munication by wireless with the Fattish fleet. 
 
 "Is that Samways Island?" 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 " Is George Samways aboard?" 
 
 " No. His son and his friend, Siebenhaar." 
 
 " What nationality is Siebenhaar? " 
 
 " Fatter."
 
 76 WINDMILLS 
 
 " He must be taken prisoner." 
 
 " Nonsense. He is an ex-engineer, now a philoso- 
 pher." 
 
 " Fatter philosophers are writing the most scur- 
 rilous abuse of the Fattish." 
 
 " Siebenhaar has been for the last twenty years on 
 the island." 
 
 " Tell him to change his name before landing, or 
 he will have to register." 
 
 " We have no intention of landing." 
 
 " We did not get your last message correctly." 
 
 " We have no intention of landing." 
 
 " Don't understand. May we send a deputa- 
 tion?" 
 
 Ultimus replied: 
 
 " I will receive one Cabinet Minister and the 
 most beautiful woman in Fatland. I shall be in the 
 mouth of the river by two o'clock. You had better 
 move your ships and be very careful of the backwash. 
 I understand that the shores of the channel are 
 strewn with wrecks." 
 
 Frantic messages then passed between the ships 
 and the Admiralty in Bondon. It would be ex- 
 tremely awkward to have the island in the river, 
 blocking the channels to the port, but the public were 
 thinking of nothing but the island, and, in default of 
 George Samways, were quite prepared to take his 
 son to be their darling. There must not be a hint
 
 U L T I M U S 77 
 
 anywhere of the possibility of the island's being, 
 after all, disloyal. The Fattish had been very reti- 
 cent about their relations with God, whereas the Pat- 
 ters had claimed him as their ally. The Fattish had 
 been favored with miracles, even as the Children of 
 Israel. It was decided to retain the miracle in the 
 face of all risks and Mr. Samways was promised that 
 a Cabinet Minister accompanied by the most beauti- 
 ful woman in Fatland should call at four o'clock on 
 the following day. 
 
 The fleet turned and steamed away out of sight. 
 
 IX: AN AFTERNOON CALL 
 
 THE acknowledged most beautiful woman in Fatland 
 was none other than Arabella's sister. She was 
 fifty- three, but had managed to preserve her reputa- 
 tion by the discreet publication of her connection with 
 illustrious men. She had one rival for the honour of 
 the visit to the island, a lovely creature, a brilliant 
 singer of popular ballads, who, during the crisis, had 
 carried all before her and swept hundreds of young 
 men into the army with her famous ditty: " Won't 
 I kiss you when you come back home? " However, 
 her claims were disposed of by Arabella's sister 
 astutely pointing out that she was the aunt of the
 
 78 WINDMILLS 
 
 young man on the island, and therefore, if necessary, 
 could be alone with him in perfect propriety. 
 
 In a motor launch she came out with the Lord 
 High Chief of the Admiralty in full-dress uniform. 
 
 No sooner did she set eyes on Ultimus than she 
 burst into tears and cried that he was the living im- 
 age of Arabella. She kissed him and he drew back 
 outraged and cried: 
 
 " Don't do that again." 
 
 Siebenhaar explained: 
 
 ' Your nephew, madam, has never seen a woman 
 before and is naturally alarmed. Your voice must 
 sound strangely to his ears and your costume, if you 
 will forgive me, leaves room for considerable doubt 
 as to the normality of your anatomy. I think it 
 would be as well if you made no attempt to reassure 
 him, but allowed him to look at you and to grow ac- 
 customed to you while I engage your companion in 
 conversation." 
 
 With that he turned to the Lord High Chief and 
 said: 
 
 " You can imagine that I am astounded to return 
 after a long absence to find civilisation plunged once 
 more in the barbarism of war. Surely no single one 
 of the combatants has anything to gain by it." 
 
 " The war, sir, was not of our seeking." 
 
 " But you were prepared for it? " 
 
 " By God we were. I had seen to that."
 
 U L T I M U S 79 
 
 ' Then you were prepared to join issue in any 
 quarrel that might be sought? " 
 
 ' We pledged our word to the Grossians and the 
 Bilgians. Besides, sir, apart from all that, the Pat- 
 ters are jealous of our Empire, and they have delib- 
 erately plotted for years to oust us commercially and 
 politically. They want us wiped off the map. But 
 when it comes to wiping " 
 
 " Does it ever come to that? " asked Siebenhaar. 
 " Is Athens dead while Plato lives? Is Rome for- 
 gotten while Virgil and Lucretius live in the minds of 
 men? Was there ever more in Spain than lives in 
 Cervantes? " 
 
 " I don't know about that," says the Lord High 
 Chief; "but the Fatters want to dominate the 
 world." 
 
 " So did Alexander: so did Napoleon: but they 
 wrought their own ruin." 
 
 " This is too deep for me," replied the politician. 
 " I want something that the newspapers can get hold 
 of. I want to know what you are up to, how you 
 found the island, how it came to move again, and, if 
 it isn't a miracle of loyalty, what is it? Also I want 
 to know what your intentions are, because if you are 
 not here to support us we shall have to place you 
 both under arrest, er that is, after you have 
 moved the island out of harm's way." 
 
 Ultimus took Siebenhaar aside and said : "I want
 
 8o WINDMILLS 
 
 to go away. I have been looking at the woman, and 
 I think she is horrible." 
 
 X: THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN 
 
 THE Lord High Chief towards the end of the in- 
 terview adopted a peremptory tone and ordered the 
 island to be taken through the enemy's minefield and 
 then to blockade the enemy's fleet. The island was 
 to be called H.M.S. Samways, to be manned with the 
 crew of a first-class battleship and commanded by a 
 senior admiral. Ultimus refused point-blank. He 
 owed nothing to Fatland, and was not going to have 
 his island or his inventions used in a cause which he 
 as yet did not understand. The Lord High Chief 
 stormed and blustered until Siebenhaar told him the 
 truth about Bich's battle and the nature of the in- 
 vention of which Ultimus had spoken. The Lord 
 High Chief went pale and muttered that he should 
 have thought his country's cause good enough for any 
 man. However, since they were so obstinate, he in- 
 vited the islanders ashore and undertook to satisfy 
 their curiosity with regard to the war, or the events 
 which immediately preceded it. Arabella's sister 
 proposed that they should stay in her house, but her 
 invitation was refused.
 
 ULTIMUS 8l 
 
 No sooner had the visitors put off in the launch 
 than Ultimus moved the island further up the river 
 until all channels were blocked and no ship could get 
 either in or out. 
 
 " Now," said Ultimus, " they will treat me with 
 respect, and will not rest content until they have 
 satisfied me and persuaded me to move the island 
 once more." 
 
 The effect he desired was produced. They were 
 taken up to Bondon in one of the Royal motor-cars, 
 and a whole floor in one of the most expensive hotels 
 was placed at their disposal. For the first time in 
 his life Ultimus slept in a bed and was so hot that he 
 could not bear it. He rang the bell in the middle of 
 the night and a little chambermaid appeared. 
 
 " Take that thing away," said Ultimus. 
 
 The little chambermaid stared at him. 
 
 " I don't want it. I don't like it," he said, glow- 
 ering at the girl's face. It was like a flower, like a 
 star; it was beautiful. Ultimus could not take his 
 eyes off it. Her eyes smiled back at his amazed 
 curiosity. He stood and reeled and said: 
 
 " I love you." 
 
 " Yes, sir," replied the little chambermaid. 
 
 " My father said the Fattish were false. I asked 
 them to send me the most beautiful woman in the 
 land and they sent me a hideous old creature." 
 
 " Yes, sir."
 
 82 
 
 " Ah! Why did they not send you? We could 
 have gone away at once, away, away, where there 
 are no old women, no battleships, no beds." 
 
 The little chambermaid by this time was fasci- 
 nated, and she stayed with Ultimus all night, while 
 he talked and told her how he had desired to see a 
 woman and was now satisfied and never wished to 
 see another, and how when he had seen the war he 
 and she would retire to the island. 
 
 " Oh, sir," said the little chambermaid. " And 
 shall I be a Queen? And won't the Fatters ever 
 be able to get near the island? They all say the 
 Fatters do awful things to women." 
 
 Ultimus took her to his breast and they were 
 joined in the mystical union of a kiss ; and for many 
 hours no word passed between them. 
 
 In the morning they were disturbed by Sieben- 
 haar, who came in unsuspectingly, saw what had hap- 
 pened and withdrew discreetly, gave orders to the 
 management that Mr. Samways was not to be dis- 
 turbed, and went out to see Bondon in war-time. 
 
 XI: HIGH POLITICS 
 
 THE streets were full of young men in uniform. In 
 the parks were young men without uniform being 
 drilled. Except for policemen, hall-porters, street-
 
 U L T I M U S 83 
 
 scavengers, the town was empty, and when Sieben- 
 haar asked a policeman why it was so, he was in- 
 formed that everybody had gone to look at the is- 
 land. 
 
 Said the constable: "There was nothing like it 
 since I was a boy, when the war began." 
 
 Siebenhaar was taken aback. 
 
 " How long? " he said. 
 
 " Well ! It'll be a matter of fifteen years now, 
 though it's difficult to remember. It goes on. 
 Things get quiet in the winter. Then it begins again 
 with the fine weather, with a new list of Fatter atroc- 
 ities. Then there's a new promise from the Em- 
 peror of Grossia ; then we have another rally of the 
 Empire and things become livelier." 
 
 " I am astonished," said Siebenhaar, " that a great 
 free nation like the Fattish should tolerate such a 
 state of affairs." 
 
 " Bless you," said the policeman, " I've forgotten 
 what peace was like. There's a few old gentlemen 
 hold meetings to talk about it, but we're used to it 
 by now. I remember there used to be scares about 
 our being invaded, but they soon came to an end. 
 We all take our spell at the fighting, and, if we come 
 home, settle down to work of one sort or another. 
 There's no doubt about it, the Fatters would make 
 a nasty mess of things if we didn't keep them bottled 
 up."
 
 84 WINDMILLS 
 
 Siebenhaar protested : " Surely you yourselves 
 are making a nasty mess of things? " 
 
 " Oh ! " replied the policeman. " That's over 
 the water. You soon forget about it when you get 
 back home. It would be funny, sir, if that there 
 island were to put a stop to the war. We'd hardly 
 know what to do with our young men." 
 
 Siebenhaar's blood boiled. A great nation, with 
 a tradition of freedom, could acquiesce in such arrest 
 of its life, such wanton sacrifice of its youth! 
 
 He visited the Lord High Chief and found him 
 just out of his bed in a suit of blue silk pajamas. 
 Breakfast was laid before him and he offered Sieben- 
 haar coffee. It was refused. 
 
 " I am come, sir, to tell you that the island will 
 not be used to assist you. It will be used to stop the 
 war." 
 
 "Stop the ?" 
 
 " As I say." 
 
 " Come, come, sir. The war cannot be stopped 
 until all parties to it agree to our terms of settle- 
 ment. It is a matter of high politics, which it takes 
 an expert to understand. We have the matter well 
 in hand. The country was told at the beginning that 
 it was to be a long war. It will be finished when our 
 terms are agreed upon and not before." 
 
 " And those terms are ? "
 
 ULTIMUS 85 
 
 ; ' They are known to my colleagues and myself. 
 When the settlement is concluded they will be laid 
 before the country." 
 
 " And have you, sir, during the last fifteen years 
 ever risked your life on land or sea? Have you suf- 
 fered in pocket or in health? Have you been de- 
 prived of even a luxury? " 
 
 " For fifteen years I have been the hardest worked 
 man in the country. I have practically lived in this 
 office. When things were going badly with usi I 
 made speeches up and down the country." 
 
 "Asking young men to give their lives and thank 
 God for the privilege of dying before they had tasted 
 the full sweetness of life." 
 
 " It is their country's life against theirs." 
 
 " You say so." 
 
 " The Patters will make an end of us if they 
 don't." 
 
 " Have you made an end of the Patters? " 
 
 " No. But we will before we have done." 
 
 " Are the Fatter women all stricken with barren- 
 ness?" 
 
 " Not that I know of." 
 
 " Then you cannot make an end of the race." 
 
 " We can smash their Empire." 
 
 " A word. Can you smash a word? You seem 
 to me, sir, to talk and act as though a nation were an
 
 86 WINDMILLS 
 
 abstraction instead of a collection of human beings, 
 bound together by language, manners, and religion." 
 
 " It is a matter of high politics." 
 
 " It seems to me, sir, that war is the logical out- 
 come of your view of national life, and that a nation 
 without a war is not a nation. I should imagine that a 
 war greatly facilitates the task of government. The 
 rich can always be trusted to look after themselves, 
 but the poor are rendered impotent. I cannot raise 
 a hand to support either such a view or such a condi- 
 tion. You have attained the ideal of high politics, 
 the sacrifice of domestic affairs to international re- 
 lations. I congratulate you. I decline all further 
 hospitality at your hands. My young friend has al- 
 ready realized one of his ambitions. I shall request 
 the Emperor of Fatterland to satisfy the other. 
 We shall go to Fatterland to-morrow and see the 
 war which you have been able to confine to other 
 countries." 
 
 " Herr Siebenhaar," shouted the Lord High 
 Chief, " you shall do no such thing. The public has 
 taken the island to its heart. You will consider 
 yourself under arrest." 
 
 Siebenhaar smiled sweetly: 
 
 " I have seen the Fattish public take Mr. George 
 Samways to its heart and I have seen it reject him. 
 I do not think you will arrest me, for, before leaving 
 the island we arranged an explosion to take place
 
 U L T I M U S 87 
 
 two days from now in case of our non-return. Such 
 an explosion would project thousands of tons of rock 
 over your city." 
 
 XII: THE PUBLIC 
 
 ULTIMUS refused to be separated from the lady 
 of his choice, and when Siebenhaar said he must re- 
 turn to the island the little chambermaid declared 
 her willingness to go if she could be married first. 
 
 ' You need not worry about that," grumbled Sie- 
 benhaar. "There will be no other women on the 
 island, no one to care whether you are married or no, 
 no one to bully you if you have dispensed with the 
 ceremony, and Ultimus has no relations except his 
 aunt, who will never forgive him for his frankness. 
 I warn you that on our island you will find none of 
 the excitements of the great hotel, neither the ad- 
 vantages of society nor its disadvantages." 
 
 " I will come," said the little chambermaid, " if 
 you will let me tell my mother that I am married. 
 It would kill her if she thought I was not." 
 
 "A lie more or less in a community is no great 
 matter, since its existence depends upon lies," said 
 Siebenhaar. 
 
 So the chambermaid wrote to her mother, packed 
 her belongings in her tin box, and with Siebenhaar
 
 88 WINDMILLS 
 
 and Ultimus was driven in the royal motor-car to the 
 docks. The last few miles they drove through 
 enormous cheering crowds, men, women, and chil- 
 dren, singing as they went. 
 
 " Won't I kiss you when you come back home, 
 
 My soldier boy! 
 For my heart is with you as you cross the foam, 
 
 My soldier boy! 
 
 You are big and you are brave, 
 From the Huns our homes to save, 
 Or to find a hero's grave. 
 Won't I kiss you when you come back home ! " 
 
 A motor launch took them swiftly out to the is- 
 land and there Ultimus was proud to show the little 
 house he had built and the gardens he had made. 
 
 In the afternoon they went up to the top of the 
 mountain, where an amazing sight met their eyes. 
 Through the smoke loomed the towers and domes 
 and chimneys of the great city, and on the banks of 
 the river for miles stretched the crowds of people, 
 and others came along the roads, pouring in on foot, 
 in carts, and wagons. Ultimus was seized with nau- 
 sea, which soon gave place to rage and he stamped 
 his foot on the ground and cried: 
 
 " There are too many of them. Let me destroy 
 them." 
 
 But Siebenhaar wept and said: 
 
 " Rather destroy those heartless men who herd
 
 U L T I M U S 89 
 
 them like cattle and rob them of the fruits of their 
 labour and bid them believe in a God whom they 
 deny, a national idea which they can maintain only 
 by the destruction of life and the ruin of the nation. 
 Destroy those who sacrifice beauty to their pleasures, 
 and love to their obstinate pride. See, the city must 
 be empty now, destroy it." 
 
 Ultimus moved his hand and in one moment the 
 domes, towers and chimneys of the city disappeared. 
 The island moved and the crowd, seeing that which 
 they had come to see, clapped their hands and 
 shouted until the island disappeared. 
 
 XIII: THE EMPEROR 
 
 IN a few hours they were-off the coast of Fatterland, 
 and had blocked up the harbour where the Fatter 
 fleet lay in hiding from the overwhelming superiority 
 of the Fattish. The Emperor himself, who had al- 
 ready heard of the destruction of Bondon, came out 
 to greet them. He had information as to Sieben- 
 haar's previous career and he decorated him at sight 
 with a Silver Eagle. To Ultimus he handed an 
 Iron Cross. 
 
 The Emperor was dressed in a large brass helmet, 
 a white suit with a steel cuirass, and enormous shin- 
 ing boots. He was a little man and very pompous.
 
 90 WINDMILLS 
 
 " God," he said, " has blessed you." 
 
 " How do you know? " asked Siebenhaar. 
 
 " God," said the Emperor, " has preserved the 
 Fatterland, through me." 
 
 " On this island," retorted Siebenhaar, " we are 
 accustomed to talk sense. There would have been 
 no need for God or anybody else to defend Fatter- 
 land if you had not so wantonly destroyed peaceful 
 relations with other countries." 
 
 The Emperor removed his helmet. 
 
 ; ' What a relief! " he said. "No one has ever 
 talked sensibly to me before. You don't know how 
 sick I am of being an Emperor with everybody as- 
 suming that I don't wish to think of anything but my 
 own dignity. I am not allowed to think or talk of 
 anything else." 
 
 " Has it ever occurred to you," asked Siebenhaar, 
 " that a dignity which requires over a million soldiers 
 to maintain it is hardly worth it? Have you ever 
 thought that the million soldiers are maintained not 
 for your dignity, but because their housing, their 
 feeding, their equipment are all exceedingly profit- 
 able to a few men? " 
 
 " I have often thought that," replied the Emperor, 
 " but I have never found a soul willing to discuss it 
 with me. When I meet other Emperors the same 
 dreadful thought haunts all of us, but none of us 
 dare speak of it, for we are watched night and day,
 
 ULTIMUS 91 
 
 and what we are to say to each other is written by 
 young men in the Government Offices." 
 
 The Emperor began to cry. 
 
 " Four million men have been killed since the war 
 began, and everybody says it is my fault. I didn't 
 make the war, I didn't, indeed I didn't. It was not 
 in my power to make war, any more than it is in my 
 power to stop it. Horrible things have been done 
 by the soldiers." 
 
 " Poor wretches! " said Siebenhaar. " How can 
 they be anything but bestial, deprived as they are of 
 all that makes life sweet? " 
 
 "How, indeed?" asked the Emperor. "Thou- 
 sands have died of dysentery, or cholera, and enteric 
 and typhoid. Hundreds of thousands more of 
 starvation and exposure. It is impossible, I tell you, 
 impossible to prevent organisation breaking down. 
 Contractors ! " He shook his fists. " Ah ! There 
 is nothing contractors will not do, from sending bad 
 food to insisting on being paid for food they have 
 never sent. Ah! the villains! the villains! And 
 to think that my name is being execrated through- 
 out the world." 
 
 The Emperor looked about him uneasily. 
 
 " And now, Herr Siebenhaar, what am I to tell 
 them on my return? That your marvellous island is 
 the gift of God to the Fatter people? " 
 
 " Say nothing," replied Siebenhaar, " except that
 
 92 WINDMILLS 
 
 Mr. Ultimus Samways wishes to see the war. We 
 are neutral territory. If we have damaged Bondon 
 we have in coming here cleared your minefields and 
 we propose to keep your fleet bottled up and shall 
 destroy it unless Mr. Samways returns in safety 
 within a week." 
 
 " We have had a delightful talk and it has been 
 refreshing to me to discover a philosopher who is 
 greater than an Emperor." 
 
 Siebenhaar laughed and said he looked forward to 
 the day when capitalists and contractors discovered 
 that the world contained a power greater than their 
 own. 
 
 " I also," said the Emperor, " possess an island. 
 I shall be happy when the war is over and I can re- 
 tire to it and live in peace and devote myself to the 
 delightful and harmless pursuit of painting bad pic- 
 tures." 
 
 He promised that an airship should be sent for 
 Ultimus, and said good-bye cordially and regretfully. 
 As he put his helmet on he said : 
 
 " I have to wear this infernal thing, though it al- 
 ways gives me a headache." 
 
 " Now," said Siebenhaar to Ultimus, " you have 
 seen the unhappy individual who is called the man- 
 eater of Europe." 
 
 "Was that the Emperor?" asked the chamber- 
 maid. " Why, they told me he had a tail and always
 
 U L T I M U S 93 
 
 walked about with bleeding baby's legs in his 
 hands!" 
 
 XIV: WAR 
 
 THE airship was a great delight to the inventive 
 genius of Ultimus. He had it brought to earth on 
 the shore and examined the engines and propellers, 
 and its ingenious steering apparatus. The officer in 
 charge of it was discreet and silent, a stiff martial 
 gentleman whose intelligence and humanity were 
 completely hidden by his uniform. He had brought 
 a declaration to be signed by Ultimus, saying that he 
 was a non-belligerent and did not represent any 
 newspaper. For Siebenhaar he had brought a 
 bundle of newspapers of every country so that he 
 might read what the nations were saying of each 
 other. 
 
 At last Ultimus' curiosity was satisfied, and he 
 stepped into the observation car, the engines started 
 purring and the great fish-shaped balloon rose into 
 the air. 
 
 Ultimus was surprised to see how little his island 
 was and when they passed over into Fatterland he 
 cried: 
 
 " Why, there is room for everybody ! How
 
 94 WINDMILLS 
 
 wrong I was to hate the Fattish for being so many ! 
 Why do not some of them come and live here if there 
 is no room for them on their islamd? " 
 
 ' They'd have a warm time of it if they did," said 
 the officer. 
 
 " Why? Don't you like the Fattish? " 
 ' They are pirates and thieves. They are jealous 
 of our honest commercial success. They and they 
 only are responsible for this war. They have set 
 half the nations of Europe to attack us, but they at- 
 tack in vain. We are glorious warriors, but they 
 are only commercial travellers." 
 
 " In Fatland," replied Ultimus, " they say that 
 they are glorious warriors, but you are only ma- 
 chines. And they say that you are jealous of their 
 Empire, and for years have been planning to destroy 
 their fleet." 
 
 " What nonsense! " said the officer. 
 
 They had been thousands of feet in the air, often 
 above the clouds. 
 
 " We are approaching the western frontier." 
 
 They descended. A booming and roaring came 
 up and a queer crackling sound. There were flashes 
 of light and puffs of smoke, but nowhere were there 
 signs of any men save far, far away on the roads be- 
 hind the lines of smoke and flashes of light. 
 
 " That," said the officer, " is the war." 
 
 " But where are the men who are doing it? "
 
 U L T I M U S 95 
 
 The officer pointed to black zigzag parallel lines 
 in the ground. 
 
 " They are there. Those are trenches. They 
 are impregnable. Years ago, at the beginning of 
 the war there was some barbarous fighting with bay- 
 onets, but since we took up those positions there is 
 nothing but what you see. Each year makes 
 those positions stronger, nothing can move the 
 armies from them. While the war lasts, they will 
 be held. Is it not splendid? It is just the same on 
 the eastern frontier, though the line there is a hun- 
 dred miles longer. Ah ! It is the greatest war the 
 world has ever seen." 
 
 They came lower until they could see into the 
 trenches. There were men playing cards, others 
 sleeping; another was vomiting. Another was but- 
 toning up his trousers when his head was blown off. 
 His body stood for a moment with his hand fum- 
 bling at his buttons. Then it collapsed ridiculously. 
 One of the men who was playing wiped a card on 
 his breeches and then played it. Another man went 
 mad, climbed out of the trenches and rushed screech- 
 ing in the direction whence the missile had come. 
 
 " I have seen enough," said Ultimus. " Why do 
 they go there? " 
 
 " Because if they did not Fatterland would be 
 overrun with the savages hired by the Fattish." 
 
 " Would that be worse? "
 
 96 WINDMILLS 
 
 11 It would not last so long," replied the officer, 
 " but we should have lost our honour as a nation." 
 
 '* That," said Ultimus, " is exactly how the most 
 beautiful woman in Fatland talks. What is this 
 honour? " 
 
 " It is holy," said the officer with so fatuously fer- 
 vent an expression that Ultimus laughed. 
 
 " Does your Highness wish to see the eastern 
 frontier?" 
 
 " No, thank you. That is enough." 
 
 The airship soared up. It was now night. The 
 stars came out and Ultimus mused : 
 
 " Out of all the planets why should this be tor- 
 tured with the life of men? Is it their vast numbers 
 that drive them mad ? Or are they so vile that war 
 is their normal condition and peace only a rest from 
 it?" 
 
 For the first time Ultimus responded to the beauty 
 of the world. They flew low over mountains, and 
 great rivers and wide valleys. The variety of it all 
 entranced him, accustomed as he was to the monot- 
 ony of the sea and the narrow limitations of the is- 
 land. Apart from the horror of war it was amaz- 
 ing to him that men should desert such loveliness to 
 spend their days in holes dug in the ground.
 
 U L T I M U S 97 
 
 XV: SIEBENHAAR ON SOCIETY 
 
 MEANWHILE on the island the philosopher and the 
 chambermaid lived through difficult hours. The 
 girl wept without ceasing and said if she had known 
 how dull it was going to be she never would have 
 come. Remembering Arabella's dissatisfaction, 
 Siebenhaar said: 
 
 ' Women have no resources within themselves. 
 They take life too seriously. It is never amusing to 
 them. Society is organised for their protection and 
 amusement and they take no interest in it, and let 
 men, who are only worried or irritated by it, bring it 
 to ruin without a protest. Women are the criminals 
 who are responsible for everything, for they encour- 
 age men in their vanity and weaken them in their 
 power. They desire safety, and detest originality, 
 intellect, imagination." 
 
 The chambermaid sobbed: "I thought it was 
 going to be fun to be a Queen, but there is no fun in 
 reigning over sticks and stones." 
 
 " Women," said Siebenhaar, " want their lovers 
 and their babies and their fun. When they have to 
 choose between the three, they choose their fun. 
 No. They are not the criminals; it is men who are 
 that for letting them have their fun to keep them
 
 98 WINDMILLS 
 
 quiet. Oh! Ultimus, that was a true instinct of 
 yours to destroy them in their thousands ! " 
 
 XVI : PRACTICAL CONSIDERATIONS 
 
 ULTIMUS was gone exactly a week, during which 
 time he saw all the preparations for the war, the 
 countless widows and orphans created by it, the stop- 
 page of other business, the immense activity at arse- 
 nals, boot factories, and cloth mills, and chemical 
 laboratories, the soup kitchens for the starving, 
 among whom he was horrified to see thousands of 
 men who had returned maimed from the trenches. 
 What perhaps appalled him most was the gaiety 
 of the children. 
 
 He mentioned this to Siebenhaar on his return. 
 The philosopher said : 
 
 " They have been born since the war began and 
 do not conceive of life being otherwise." 
 
 u It must end," said Ultimus, and he sank into a 
 deep reverie. The strangest result of his experience 
 was that the sight of the little chambermaid filled 
 him with disgust. When he thought of the peaceful 
 and profoundly stirring existence out of which he and 
 Siebenhaar had come he could not but contrast it 
 with the obscene excitement in which he had found
 
 U L T I M U S 99 
 
 her. That she could accept and welcome his em- 
 braces when she knew, as he did not, the bestiality 
 towards maintaining which the energies of Europe 
 were devoted, filled him with so bitter an anguish 
 that he could hardly endure the sight of her. When 
 he thought that he and she might be bringing an- 
 other life into a world made so unworthy of human 
 life, then he thought that he could never forgive her. 
 Hi's impulse was to escape, to leave the benighted 
 nations to their fate, but, when he thought of the suf- 
 fering he had seen, he found that he was bound to 
 them by more than curiosity. He had seen war and 
 could not rest until he had done his utmost to ex- 
 punge it from the minds of men. He had lived in a 
 pure happiness familiar with all the intellectual dis- 
 coveries of the human mind; now he had gained the 
 love of beauty and a more passionate incentive to 
 live. What room was there now among all those 
 millions of men for intellect and beauty? 
 
 Siebenhaar had made good use of the newspapers. 
 
 " It is clear to me," he said, " that this war hap- 
 pened through stupidity and jealousy. They all in- 
 vented excuses for it after the outbreak of hostilities. 
 There is no reason why it should not end as suddenly 
 as it began. It is too much to expect men debauched 
 by fifteen years of war to see reason, but they will 
 understand force. We will use force." 
 
 Together they drew up the following manifesto:
 
 100 WINDMILLS 
 
 SAMWAYS ISLAND, 
 
 OFF EUROPE. 
 
 We, the undersigned, lately arrived in Europe, on 
 discovering its unanimous betrayal of civilisation, 
 hereby declare as follows : 
 
 1 i ) We have destroyed Bondon. 
 
 (2) The power which did that will be used 
 against any of the present belligerents not consenting 
 to lay down their arms. 
 
 (3) Upon the declaration of peace the fleets of 
 the hostile nations are to be collected and sunk, the 
 guns and ammunition of the various disbanded 
 armies having first been laded in them. Neutral 
 nations will then be invited by us to destroy their 
 fleets and disband their armies. 
 
 (4) Nations in future will have no high political 
 relations with each other except through a central 
 government. 
 
 (5) Recognising the natural pugnacity of the 
 human race and its love of spectacular effect, we sug- 
 gest that in future nations which arrive at a com- 
 plete misunderstanding should, with the consent of 
 the central government, declare war on each other 
 for a period of not less than one week and not more 
 than one month, the nations to place in the firing line 
 only the incurably diseased, the incorrigibly criminal, 
 the lunatic and the imbecile, and all of those con- 
 victed of exploitation and profit-sharing.
 
 ULTIMUS 101 
 
 (6) Not more than two thousand men are to be 
 employed on either side, and the sphere of opera- 
 tions is to be narrowly limited. If desired, and to 
 encourage a knowledge of the horror of war, we sug- 
 gest that such wars be paid for by admitting specta- 
 tors at a price. 
 
 (7) Wars are only to take place in August. 
 
 (8) Naval war is to be prohibited altogether as 
 too barbarous. The central government will main- 
 tain an armed fleet for the suppression of pirates. 
 
 (9) Weapons and machines designed for the de- 
 struction of human life are only to be manufactured 
 by the central government. 
 
 ( 10) Acknowledging that follies do not die easily 
 and that nations at war will always desire territory 
 as a trophy, we are willing to place the island at the 
 service of the central government as the prize to be 
 fought for. It can always be found by wireless. 
 
 ( 1 1 ) We submit that there shall be no discussion 
 of the terms of settlement until the central govern- 
 ment is set up and a proper tribunal is constituted to 
 deal with all claims. The first step in the interest of 
 parties is disarmament, and upon that we insist. 
 
 (Signed) IGNATZ SIEBENHAAR. 
 
 ULTIMUS SAMWAYS.
 
 102 WINDMILLS 
 
 XVII: PEACE 
 
 THIS manifesto was transmitted by wireless to all 
 parts of the world. It was published in the newspa- 
 pers of America, and therefore could not be sup- 
 pressed by the various National Committees for 
 Keeping the Public in the Dark. Ultimus received 
 invitations to all the capitals of the belligerent na- 
 tions. He said that if they had anything to say they 
 could say it by wireless. Meanwhile if nothing was 
 said the Fatter fleet would be destroyed within a 
 week: the Fattish fleet immediately after it: and 
 the various ports and capitals would one by one meet 
 the fate of Bondon. 
 
 A great deal was said. Almost every day mean 
 little men, who looked as though they had been fat 
 only a short time before and then scorched, arrived 
 to offer Ultimus his own price for his new explosive. 
 They all said the same thing: the enemy alone was 
 responsible for the war and it would never end until 
 the enemy was destroyed. Therefore, in the inter- 
 ests of civilisation and universal peace, Mr. Sam- 
 ways ought to sell, nay, give to humanity the secret 
 of his invention. 
 
 " I am using it in the interests of civilisation," said 
 he, "and, as you see, I am resisting all temptation to 
 make money out of it. The proper use of an explo-
 
 U L T I M U S 103 
 
 sive is that for which I made mine, namely, to de- 
 stroy every ugly and useless thing I had made." 
 
 And the mean little men went away. Two of 
 them committed suicide on their way back to shore, 
 so troubled were they at being deprived of the mo- 
 nopoly which had enabled them to drive millions of 
 men to the slaughter that the rest might be miserable 
 slaves in their hands. 
 
 As a matter of fact, these two had been ruined by 
 the destruction of Bondon, upon which they had been 
 dependent for the world-wide circulation of their 
 credit. 
 
 Day after day brought the news of the suicide of 
 one great financier after another, and the army con- 
 tractors, realising that they might not be paid for 
 their efforts, abandoned them. No food or supplies 
 reached the armies, which came home in search of 
 food. The Emperors of Fatterland and Grossia 
 fled to their country estates. The Emperor of 
 Waltzia had been dead for ten years, though his 
 death had been concealed. 
 
 Before long a number of intelligent men from 
 every country had met in Scandanavia and a central 
 government was proclaimed. The Fattish, Fatter, 
 Grossian, Waltzian, and Coqdorian fleets were col- 
 lected in the North Sea, and Ultimus had the great 
 satisfaction of driving the island through them.
 
 104 WINDMILLS 
 
 XVIII: THE RETURN OF THE ISLAND 
 
 AND now Ultimus could breathe again. Came the 
 news every day of tremendous rejoicings in all the 
 countries, and in all the name of Ultimus Samways 
 was blessed. He was asked by every one of them 
 to anchor his island off their shores, but he replied: 
 
 " Not until the lunatic that is in every European 
 is dead, can I dwell among you. It is easy for you, 
 whose lives are shallow to forget. But I have seen 
 and suffered and I cannot forget. When you have 
 discovered the depths in your own lives and each 
 man recognises the profound wonder of every other, 
 then will the thought of the philosopher Siebenhaar 
 be as fertile seed among you and you will reap the 
 harvest of brotherhood." 
 
 When he had sent this message to the United 
 States of Europe he sought out the little chamber- 
 maid and said to her: 
 
 " I beg your forgiveness. I have let the horror 
 of war break in upon my devotion to you. We are 
 making for the Southern Seas. If you prefer it you 
 can retire to Bondon, though I must warn you that 
 your luxurious hotel is now a hospital for the cure of 
 astute business men." 
 
 The little chambermaid replied: 
 
 " I did want to go to see the fun when peace was
 
 U L T I M U S 105 
 
 declared, having seen the fun in the streets when 
 they declared war. But it's come over me now that 
 I love you and only you, and I want to be by your 
 side to give you all the happiness you have brought 
 into my heart." 
 
 And Siebenhaar said: 
 
 " This is a mystery past the understanding of 
 men, but the understanding is its servant."
 
 Gynecologia
 
 I: HISTORY 
 
 I, CONRAD P. LEWIS, of Crown Imperial, Pa., 
 U.S.A., do hereby declare that the following narra- 
 tive of my adventures is a plain truthful tale with 
 nothing added or taken away. At the end of a long 
 life I am able to remember unmoved things that for 
 many years I could not call to mind without horror 
 and disgust. Even now I cannot see the charming 
 person of my daughter without some faint discom- 
 fort, to be rid of which (for I would die in peace) I 
 have determined to write my story. 
 
 The whole civilised world will remember how, 
 during the years when Europe was sunk under the 
 vileness of a scientific barbarism, there was suddenly 
 an end of news from Fatland. Our ships that sailed 
 for her ports did not return. Her flag had disap- 
 peared from the high seas. Her trade had entirely 
 ceased. She exported neither coal nor those manu- 
 factured goods which had carried her language, cus- 
 toms, and religion to the ends of the earth. Her 
 colonies (we learned) had received only a message 
 to say that they must in future look after themselves, 
 as, indeed, they were as capable of doing as any 
 other collection of people. In one night Fatland 
 ceased to be. 
 
 109
 
 110 WINDMILLS 
 
 It was at first assumed that her enemies the Pat- 
 ters had invaded and captured her, but, clearly, they 
 would not destroy her commerce. Moreover, the 
 Patters were at that time and for many years after- 
 wards living in a state of siege, keeping nine hostile 
 nations at bay upon their frontiers. This was the 
 last of the great wars, leading, as we now know, to 
 the abolition of the idea of nationality, which en- 
 dowed a nation with the attributes of a vain and in- 
 solent human being, so that its actions were childish 
 and could only be made effective by force. When 
 that idea died in the apathy and suffering and bitter- 
 ness of the years following the great wars then the 
 glorious civilisation which we now enjoy became pos- 
 sible. 
 
 The disappearance of Fatland took place shortly 
 after the outbreak of hostilities, which, from the 
 practice which the Europeans had in those days, was 
 always accomplished with great expedition. Every 
 four years or so, when the exhausted nations once 
 more had enough young men over eighteen, there 
 would be some little quarrel, or an arranged assassi- 
 nation, or an ambassador would be indiscreet. One 
 war, I remember, broke out over a scuffle between 
 two bakers in the streets of Bondon : they were a Fat- 
 tishman and a Fatter, and they had been arguing 
 over the merits of the Fattish loaf and the continen- 
 tal baton. The Press of both countries took it up :
 
 GYNECOLOGIA III 
 
 their governments had a good class of troops that 
 year and they did not hesitate to use them. We, in 
 the Western world, were accustomed to it by then 
 and knew how to keep our trade alive through neu- 
 tral countries. Also, I regret to say, we had en- 
 gaged upon the dreadful traffic in war material. In 
 those days we were still bounded by the primitive 
 civilisation of Europe. We had not been wakened 
 to manhood and the way of life and eternity, we had 
 not been taught to be elemental in our own elemental 
 continent by the sublime masterpiece of Junius F. 
 Hohlenheim. 
 
 When it became clear that Fatland could not be 
 in the hands of the Patters: when, moreover, we 
 were told that she was taking no part in the last and 
 bloodiest of the wars, and when, after many months, 
 there came no news of any kind, then our merchant- 
 monarchs (now happily extinct) fitted out an expedi- 
 tion, with credentials to the Fattish Government, if 
 any. Wild rumors had spread that the Gulf Stream 
 was diverted, making the Skitish islands uninhab- 
 itable, but I had just then returned from a voyage to 
 Norroway and knew that it was not so. I had gazed 
 at the coasts of the mysterious islands with pity, with 
 curiosity, with sad and, I must own it, sentimental 
 longing. Were they not our home ? We were still 
 colonists in those days, always looking to other lands 
 than that in which we lived. " O Fatland," I cried.
 
 112 WINDMILLS 
 
 " O mother inviolate ! " But we had the captain's 
 wife on board and she laughed and said that was not 
 the adjective to apply to a mother. 
 
 II: CASTAWAY 
 
 ON my return I married and put my savings into my 
 father-in-law's brush-making business, which was al- 
 most at once ruined, and I had to go to sea again. 
 Government money had been got for the expedition 
 I told you of, and I knew that pay would be higher 
 on that account. I sent in an application, and, hav- 
 ing an uncle well placed, was taken on as third of- 
 ficer. A dirty little gunboat had been put in com- 
 mission, and directly I set eyes on her I knew the 
 voyage would be unlucky. We were but three days 
 out when we had trouble with the propeller shaft 
 and were carried far north among the ugliest ice I 
 ever saw, and narrowly escaped being caught in a 
 floe. Fortunately we ran into a southward current 
 in the nick of time and, with a fresh wind 
 springing up, were quickly out of danger. How- 
 ever, the years of war had added another peril 
 to those of nature. We fouled a mine among the 
 islands of Smugland and were blown to bits. At the 
 time I was standing near a number of petrol cans, 
 and when I came to the surface of the water I found
 
 GYNECOLOGIA 1 13 
 
 some of them floating near me. I tied six of them 
 together and they made a tidy little raft, though it 
 was very uncomfortable. On them I drifted for 
 four days until hunger and thirst were too much for 
 me and I swooned away. I was then past agony and 
 my swoon was more like passing into an enchantment 
 than a physical surrender. 
 
 I was not at all astonished, therefore, when I came 
 to my senses to find myself in a bed with a man sit- 
 ting by my bedside. Very glad was I to see him, and 
 I cried out in a big voice : 
 
 " Kerbosh ! If I ain't got into heaven by mis- 
 take." 
 
 The man shook his head sadly and said: 
 
 "Heaven? No." 
 
 But I could not shake off the feeling that I was in 
 Heaven. The man had long hair and a beard, and 
 I could be pardoned for taking him for Peter. He 
 wore a rough shift, a long kilt below his knees, and 
 thick stockings, and by his elbow on a little table, 
 was another stocking which he had been knitting. 
 He gave me food and drink, and I at once felt 
 stronger, but somewhat squeamish, so that the sense 
 of hallucination clung about me. When I asked 
 where I was, the man tiptoed to the door, opened it- 
 and listened, then returned to my bedside and said in 
 a whisper : 
 
 " It is as much as my place is worth, but I would
 
 114 WINDMILLS 
 
 warn you as man to man to make good your escape 
 while you may. As man to man, I say it, man to 
 man." 
 
 He was so terribly excited as he said this that I 
 decided in my own mind that he was a harmless lun- 
 atic, one of the many whom the great wars had ren- 
 dered idiotic. To humour him I repeated: 
 
 " As man to man." 
 
 And I put out my hand. He seized it and said in 
 a desperate voice: 
 
 " I am old enough to be your fa " 
 
 Footsteps sounded on the stairs and in absolute 
 terror he stopped, took up his knitting and plied the 
 needles frantically. 
 
 Ill: MY CAPTOR 
 
 THE footsteps came up to the door of the room in 
 which I lay. The door opened to reveal a truly re- 
 markable figure; plump, short, with a tousled mop 
 of reddish-grey hair and a wide, pleasant, weather- 
 beaten face. This figure was clad in a loose blue 
 coat and Bulgarian trousers, very baggy about the 
 hips and tight about the calves; not at all an unbe- 
 coming costume, though it both puzzled and pained 
 me. So much so that I pretended to be asleep, for I
 
 GYNECOLOGIA 11$ 
 
 was averse to being made to speak to this strange 
 object. A woman's voice addressed the man with 
 the knitting and asked him how I was. He replied 
 that I had come to my senses and gone to sleep again. 
 As luck would have it, the food I had eaten so has- 
 tily began just then to cause me acute discomfort, 
 and my body, escaping my control, relieved itself 
 after its fashion. Thereupon the woman, perceiv- 
 ing that I was malingering, fell upon me and shook 
 me until my teeth rattled and delivered herself of an 
 oration upon the deceitfulness of man. I was still 
 suffering acutely and could offer no resistance, though 
 I cried out that I was an American citizen and neu- 
 tral and should have the matter brought to the ears 
 of my Government. 
 
 "In this country," said my assailant, " men are 
 men and are treated as such, and we do not recognize 
 the existence of any other country in the world. 
 You will get up now and place your superior strength 
 at the service of those who feed you and as far as 
 possible justify your existence." 
 
 The man with the knitting had crept from the 
 room. He returned with a shift, a kilt and stock- 
 ings like his own. I was made to put these on, the 
 woman, in defiance of all decency, watching me and 
 talking shrilly all the time. Then she drove the 
 man and myself out of doors and set us to work at 
 hoeing in a field of turnips, while she whistled to a
 
 Il6 WINDMILLS 
 
 dog that came bounding over a hedge, and trudged 
 off in the direction of a wood. 
 
 " Who is she? " said I. " Is she your wife? " 
 
 "Wife?" answered he. "Wife! There is 
 neither marriage nor giving in marriage. She is a 
 farmer, and I, who was once a Professor of Eco- 
 nomics, am her labourer. Intellectually I am in de- 
 spair, but physically I am in such rude health that I 
 cannot entertain the thought of self-destruction long 
 enough to commit the act. She is my niece, and 
 when the change came she undertook, as all women 
 did, to provide work for her male relatives above a 
 certain age." 
 
 " Change?" I whispered. " What change? " 
 
 " Have you not heard? " he said. " Is the coun- 
 try severed from the civilised world? " 
 
 I informed him of the expedition which I had 
 joined. He gave a long hopeless sigh and fell into 
 a great silence which moved me far more than his 
 words had done. We plied our hoes in the immense 
 field which was situated in a desolate region of slight 
 undulations the outlines of which were blurred with 
 rank growth. 
 
 Presently I broke in upon his silence to ask his 
 name. 
 
 "I was," he murmured, "I was Professor Ian 
 Baffin." 
 
 " Can it be possible?" I cried, for the fame of
 
 GYNECOLOGIA 117 
 
 that great man was world-wide, and during the no- 
 torious Anti-Trust elections in my country his works 
 had been in every cultured home. I told him this, 
 but it brought him no comfort. 
 
 " At the time of the change," he said, " I and 
 fifty other Professors and Fellows of Colleges pub- 
 lished a manifesto in which we pointed out the dis- 
 asters that must ensue, and we even went so far as to 
 promise them degrees at the major universities, but 
 the change came and the universities were de- 
 stroyed." 
 
 " What change? " I asked again. 
 
 He leaned on his hoe and gazed toward the setting 
 sun. 
 
 IV: THE CHANGE 
 
 " ABOUT the tenth year of the second of the great 
 wars," he said, " there was a convulsion in the coun- 
 try. A young idealist appeared who with fiery and 
 vulgar eloquence proclaimed that war was the tri- 
 umph of the old over the young, to whom since the 
 world began justice had never been done. The old, 
 he said, were in the position of trustees who had be- 
 trayed their trust and instead of working for the 
 benefit of the endless army of the young who came 
 after them, devoted all their energies to robbing 
 them of their birthright. To extricate themselves
 
 Il8 WINDM ILLS 
 
 from the punishment which must otherwise have fal- 
 len on them they exploited the courage and love of 
 adventure of the young and set them to destroy each 
 other. So successful had they been in this device 
 that they could count on using it at least once in every 
 generation, and politicians knew that when they were 
 at the end of their tether they could always procure 
 a continuance of their offices and emoluments by de- 
 claring war. This had been the condition of civil- 
 ised existence for so many thousands of years that 
 it was generally accepted and the truth was never 
 suspected until our young idealist arrived with honey 
 on his lips for the young and gall and bitter invective 
 for the old. He rushed up and down the country 
 persuading young men on no condition to take up 
 arms. 'Government?' he said. 'What govern- 
 ment do you need except such as will provide you 
 with roads, railways, lighting, bread for the incapac- 
 itated, and drainage for all? ' I signed a manifesto 
 against him too. His ignorance of economics was 
 pitiful. In the end martial law was proclaimed and 
 he was shot. The young men did not listen to him, 
 but the young women did. Shooting him was a mis- 
 take. It gave his name the magic of martyrdom. 
 By the thousand, women, old, young, and middle- 
 aged, cherished his portrait in their bosoms, prayed 
 to him in secret, vowed themselves to his cause, and 
 remained chaste. Nunneries were founded in his
 
 GYNECOLOGIA 119 
 
 name, but so potent was the spell of his martyrdom, 
 so overwrought were the women of this country by 
 the many crises through which we have passed, that 
 amid all the temptations of life they were dedicated 
 to his memory and preserved their virginity. They 
 said if the country can find no better use for our sons 
 than to send them to the slaughter and disablement, 
 we will breed no sons. The Government was 
 warned, but like all governments they could not see 
 beyond the system by which they governed, and 
 when at last they were convinced that something seri- 
 ous was happening, they could think of no other rem- 
 edy than that of giving votes, i.e. a share in the sys- 
 tem by which they enjoyed their positions. At first, 
 to show their contempt for the Government, the 
 women did not use their votes until the country was 
 shown by an energetic and public-spirited woman 
 that another war was in the making. An election 
 was forced and the Government was defeated. At 
 the conclusion of the second great war you may re- 
 member that Bondon was destroyed, and with it the 
 Houses of Parliament and the Royal Palace. A 
 new capital was chosen, but as Fatland was no longer 
 the center of the world's credit system, finance had 
 lost its old power. A new type of politician had 
 arisen, who, in order to win favour with the women, 
 set himself to do all in his power to make government 
 impossible. The enormous numerical superiority of
 
 120 WINDMILLS 
 
 the women made their leaders paramount in the 
 land, though there was still officially a Cabinet and a 
 House of Swells. On the third and last outbreak 
 of hostilities the officials made their final despairing 
 effort and declared war on Fatterland, but they had 
 no army. They had been unable to rebuild their 
 fleet as all the other countries had done. They were 
 helpless. The Cabinet and the House of Swells, to 
 set an example to the country, armed themselves and 
 went to the front, taking with them the last ten thou- 
 sand young men in the country. They never re- 
 turned and the country was left populated solely by 
 old men, cripples, and women, of whom a few thou- 
 sand were pregnant. These were interned. A 
 committee of influential women was formed and is- 
 sued a decree that Fatland would henceforth have no 
 share in male civilisation. Men had, to cut a long 
 story short, made a mess of things, and women 
 would now see what they could do. They began by 
 abolishing property in land. The first, the only im- 
 portant thing was to feed the population. The 
 State guaranteed to everybody food, housing, and 
 clothes. Able-bodied women were to take charge of 
 their male relatives and make them useful. Decent 
 women, that is to say virgins, were to work on the 
 land. All women guilty of childbirth were to be 
 sent to work in the factories. I cannot remember 
 all the laws made, for my memory has been impaired
 
 GYNECOLOGIA 121 
 
 by my sufferings, but they were all dictated by an 
 unreasoning and venomous hatred of men. We are 
 little better than slaves. They laugh at us affec- 
 tionately, but they despise and ignore our thoughts. 
 They have defied every economic law, but astonish- 
 ingly they continue to live." 
 
 " Indeed," said I, " the world goes on. The sun 
 sets and will rise as it has done these millions of 
 years, with change upon change, folly upon folly be- 
 neath it. We turn up the earth for the food we eat 
 and so we live. Truly I think there is some wisdom 
 in these women." 
 
 The sun went down, a bell rang in the farmhouse, 
 we shouldered our hoes and returned thither, each 
 busy with his own thoughts. 
 
 V: THE HOMESTEAD 
 
 To my annoyance I found that the bell was not a 
 summons to a meal, but to a meeting of the family 
 of five women for a kind of a service. This con- 
 sisted in reading aloud from the speeches of William 
 Christmas, the idealist who had provoked this mon- 
 strous state of affairs. His portrait hung on the 
 wall opposite the door, and I must confess that his 
 face was singularly beautiful. The woman who 
 had roused me from my bed read a passage begin-
 
 122 WINDMILLS 
 
 ning : ' The tyranny of the old is due to their stu- 
 pidity, which neither young men nor women have 
 yet had the patience to break through." And as she 
 closed the book she said, " Thus spake William 
 Christmas." Whereupon the other women mut- 
 tered, " of blessed memory, which endureth for ever 
 and ever. Amen." These women were plain and 
 forbidding. Their eyes were fixed on the portrait 
 with a dog-like subjection which I found most repul- 
 . sive. They stood transfixed while the woman- 
 farmer declaimed : " For guidance, William Christ- 
 mas, spirit of woman incarnate, we look to thee in 
 the morning and in the evening, in our goings out and 
 our comings in, and woe to her who stumbles on the 
 way of all flesh into the snares of men." On that 
 the five of them turned and glared sorrowfully at my 
 old friend and me until I was hard put to it not to 
 laugh. The meeting then came to an end, and we 
 were told to prepare supper. We withdrew to the 
 kitchen, and there Professor Baffin began to snigger, 
 and when I asked him what amused him he said : 
 
 " The joke of it is that this Christmas, like all 
 idealists, was as great a lecher as Julius Caesar. It 
 was his lechery made his position in the old order 
 of society impossible." 
 
 I laughed too, for I had begun dimly to under- 
 stand the passion which moved these virgins in their 
 chastity, and I was filled with a fierce hatred of the
 
 GYNECOLOGIA 123 
 
 lot of them, and resolved as soon as possible to es- 
 cape. 
 
 We cooked a meal of fish and eggs, and having 
 laid the table we had to wait on the family. I was 
 struck by the triviality of their discourse and the ab- 
 sence from it of any general argument. The five 
 women twittered like sparrows in mid-winter and not 
 once did they laugh. They talked of the condition 
 of their beasts and their crops, and so earnest, so 
 careful were they that I understood that it must be 
 barren soil indeed that would resist their efforts. 
 They were discussing what goods they would requi- 
 sition from the district store in return for their con- 
 tribution to the State granaries. I wondered if they 
 had succeeded in abolishing money, and upon enquiry 
 I found that they had. The Professor told me that 
 they had abolished everything which before the 
 change had made them dependent upon men and 
 their pleasure. 
 
 " But why do you men stand it? " I cried. 
 
 ' We would starve else. We have no credit. 
 Contributions to the State granaries are not accepted 
 from men, nor are men allowed to trade direct with 
 the stores." 
 
 " But cannot they revolt and use their strength? " 
 
 " The strange thing is," said the Professor, " that 
 men cannot now endure the sight of each other. 
 They are as jealous of each other as women were in
 
 124 WINDMILLS 
 
 the old days. Besides, writing is forbidden, and no 
 book is allowed save the posthumous works of the 
 lecherous William. The libraries were destroyed 
 on the same day as the arsenals. Intelligence is 
 gagged. Thrift and a terrible restless activity are 
 now our only virtues." 
 
 "And art?" 
 
 " Art? How should there be art? It was never 
 more than the amusement of women in their idle- 
 ness. They are no longer idle and I must admit 
 that they are admirably methodical in their work, 
 energetic and straightforward as men never were. 
 But it is ill living in a woman-made world and I shall 
 not be sorry when death comes." 
 
 VI: OBSEQUIES 
 
 DEATH came to the old man that night, and so sur- 
 prised him that he was unable to feel anything. I 
 had been put to sleep in the same room with him and 
 was awakened by his talking. He was delivering 
 himself of what sounded like a lecture, but he broke 
 off in the middle to say : 
 
 ' This is very astonishing. I am going to die." 
 
 I struck a light, and there he was lying with a 
 
 smile of incredulity upon his face, and I thought that,
 
 GYNECOLOGIA 12$ 
 
 if we were sentient beings when we were born, so 
 and not otherwise we would accept the gift of life. 
 So and not otherwise do we greet all manifesta- 
 tions of life which have not become familiar through 
 habit. 
 
 I was grateful to the old man for giving me the 
 key to my own frame of mind. I spoke to him, but 
 he was dead. 
 
 His loud discourse had roused the mistress of the 
 house who came knocking at the door, saying: 
 
 " Baffin, if you don't behave yourself I shall come 
 and tickle you." 
 
 So astounded and outraged was I at this address 
 that I leapt out of my bed, donned my kilt, and said: 
 
 " Come in, woman, and see what you have done. 
 This learned old man, whose mind was one of the 
 glories of the world, has been driven to his death, 
 starved, deprived of the intellectual habits through 
 which a long life had been " 
 
 I got no further, for the woman flung herself upon 
 me and tickled my sides and armpits until I shrieked. 
 Two other women came rushing up and held me on 
 the floor, and then with a feather they tickled my 
 feet until I was nearly mad. I wept and cried for 
 mercy, and at last they desisted and withdrew, leav- 
 ing me with the corpse, to which they paid not the 
 slightest attention. 
 
 The next morning I was told to dig a grave and
 
 126 WINDMILLS 
 
 to prepare the body for burial. There was no more 
 ceremony than in a civilised country is given to the 
 interment of a dog, and in the house I only heard the 
 old man referred to twice. The youngest of the 
 women said, " He was a dear old idiot," but the mis- 
 tress of the house shut her mouth like a trap on the 
 words: " One the less." 
 
 But a day or two later I found upon the grave a 
 pretty wreath of wild flowers, and that evening un- 
 der a hedge I came on a little girl, who was crying 
 softly to herself. I had not seen her before and was 
 puzzled to know where she came from. She said 
 her name was Audrey and she lived at the next farm, 
 where they were very unkind to her, and she used to 
 meet the old man in the fields and he was very nice 
 to her, and when she heard he was dead she wanted 
 to die too. The men on the farm were rough and 
 dirty, and the women were all spiteful and suspicious. 
 
 When I asked her if she had put the wreath on my 
 old friend's grave, she was frightened and made me 
 promise not to tell anyone. Of course I promised, 
 and I took her home. As we parted we engaged to 
 meet again in the wood half-way between our two 
 houses.
 
 GYNECOLOGIA 127 
 
 VII: SLAVERY 
 
 IN my own country I have often remarked the cruel 
 lack of consideration with which women treat their 
 servants, but here I was appalled by the bland inhu- 
 manity of the conduct of these women toward my- 
 self. I was given no wages and no liberty. (I 
 could not keep my engagement with Audrey.) I 
 was a hind, and lived in horror of the degradation 
 into which I saw that I must sink. Day after day 
 of the cruel work of the fields brought me to a torpid 
 condition in which I could but blindly obey the orders 
 given me when I returned home. Especially I 
 dreaded the evenings on those days when the mis- 
 tress of the house went to the district stores, for she 
 always returned out of temper and found fault with 
 everything I did. Also, when she was out of tem- 
 per, her readings from the Book of Christmas were 
 twice as long as usual. 
 
 I was some weeks in this melancholy condition, 
 not knowing how I could make my escape and in- 
 deed despairing of it, when I was sent on a message 
 to the next farm. On the way back I met Audrey, 
 at the sight of whose young beauty I forgot the de- 
 spair which latterly had seized me. I rushed to 
 her and caught her up in my arms and kissed her. 
 Thereupon she said she would never go back, but
 
 128 WINDMILLS 
 
 would stay with me forever. I could not deny her, 
 for I had found in her the incentive which I had lost 
 in my growing indifference to my fate. She was but 
 a child, and the only gracious being I had met in this 
 ill-fated country. Hand in hand we wandered until 
 dusk, when I hid her in the hay-loft and returned to 
 my duties. 
 
 I was severely chidden for my long absence and 
 ordered during the next week to wear the Skirt of 
 Punishment, a garment of the shape fashionable 
 among women at the time of the great change. 
 Poor Audrey could not help laughing when she saw 
 me in it, but having no other clothes I had to put off 
 all thought of escape until I was released from pun- 
 ishment. Never before had I realised how cramped 
 the mind could become from the confinement of the 
 legs. My week in a skirt came very near to break- 
 ing my spirit. Another four days of it and I believe 
 I should have grovelled in submissive adoration be- 
 fore my tyrant. Only my nightly visits to Audrey 
 kept me in courage and resolution. 
 
 VIII: A STRANGE WOOING 
 
 THE youngest of the women in the homestead was 
 the last to speak to me. She was dark and not un- 
 comely, and I had often noticed her at the readings 
 smile rather fearfully at her own thoughts. Once
 
 GYNECOLOGIA 1 29 
 
 my eyes had met hers and I was shocked by the di- 
 rect challenge of her gaze. At the time I was dis- 
 turbed and uneasy, but soon forgot and took no no- 
 tice of the woman except that I felt vaguely that she 
 was unhappy. But soon I was always meeting her. 
 I would find her lurking in the rooms as I came to 
 scrub and clean them. Or she would appear in the 
 lane as I came home from the fields, or I would meet 
 her in the doorway, so that I could not help brushing 
 against her. A little later I missed one of my stock- 
 ings as I got up in the morning and had to go bare- 
 foot until I had knitted another pair. 
 
 One night as I was creeping off to my poor Aud- 
 rey, now deadly weary of her close quarters in the 
 hay, to my horror I met this woman clad in her 
 night attire. She vanished and I went my way 
 thoroughly frightened. I told Audrey to be ready 
 to come with me next day, for we were spied upon 
 and could not now wait, as we had planned, until my 
 little thefts from the larder had given us a sufficient 
 store of food. 
 
 Nothing happened the next day and I gave up my 
 determination to ransack the larder. That night as 
 I opened the door I found the woman pressed 
 against it, so that she fell almost into my arms. She 
 clung to me wildly, assured me that I was the most 
 beautiful man she had ever seen, and tried to press 
 me back into my room, her tone, her whole bearing
 
 130 WINDMILLS 
 
 conveying an invitation about which it was impossi- 
 ble to be mistaken. It chilled me to the heart, com- 
 ing as it did so suddenly out of the coldness engen- 
 dered by the rigid separation of the sexes and the 
 deliberate humiliation of men in that woman-ridden 
 region. As gently as I could I put her from me, 
 though it was not so easy, and I rushed out into the 
 night. I could not tell Audrey what had happened, 
 but as soon as I saw her I felt that the moment for 
 our escape had come. If we did not seize it I should 
 be denounced and tickled, if not worse. We crept 
 away and made straight across the fields and at dawn 
 hid in a wood. 
 
 IX: THE RUINED CITY 
 
 I WAS relieved to hear from Audrey that there were 
 no newspapers. She told me that a man from her 
 farm had run away but was never found. There 
 were always new men coming, because it was impos- 
 sible for them to obtain food except what they could 
 kill. In the summer there were always men wan- 
 dering about the country, but they came back in the 
 winter and were glad to work for their board and 
 lodging. I soon understood this, for when we had 
 exhausted our store we were often a whole day with- 
 out a morsel passing our lips, and I began to see the
 
 GYNECOLOGIA 131 
 
 foolhardiness of my attempt at liberty. Again and 
 again I besought Audrey to leave me, but she would 
 not. She could always have obtained a meal for 
 herself had she gone alone to a house, but wherever 
 I went I was asked for my registered number, and 
 at first had not the readiness to invent one. At last 
 I told one woman I was 8150. She asked me what 
 district and I did not know. On that she bundled 
 me out and I was lucky to escape detention. When 
 I asked Audrey about the registration she said all 
 men were registered with a number and a letter. 
 The men on her farm had been L.D. Next time I 
 s'aid I was L.D. 8150, and when asked my business I 
 said I was taking my young miss to the nunnery at 
 O. Either my answer was satisfactory or Audrey's 
 beauty was the passport it would be in any normal 
 country, for we were handsomely treated and given 
 a present of three -cheeses to take to the nuns. 
 
 We ate the cheeses and were kept alive until, 
 after a fortnight's journey, we came on a dismal 
 mass of blackened buildings. We entered the city, 
 once world-famous for its textiles, and never have I 
 been so near the hopelessness of the damned. The 
 remains of a dead civilisation; decomposing and fes- 
 tering; grass grew in between the cobbles of the 
 streets; weeds were rank; creepers covered the walls 
 of the houses and their filthy windows. Huge fac- 
 tories were crumbling away, and here and there we
 
 132 WINDMILLS 
 
 came on immense piles of bricks where the chimneys 
 had tumbled down. For miles we walked through 
 the streets and never saw a soul until as we turned a 
 corner into a square we came on a sight that made me 
 think we had reached the lowest Hell. 
 
 X: THE OUTLAWS 
 
 THERE was a great fire in the middle of the square, 
 and round this was a tatterdemalion crew of men 
 and women. They were roasting an ox, and, as 
 they waited for it, they sang and danced. When we 
 approached near enough to hear what they were 
 singing I blushed and felt aggrieved for Audrey. 
 Many of the men and women were perfectly shame- 
 less in their gestures, and I wished to go back the 
 way we had come. However, we had been seen, 
 and were drawn into the light of the fire and asked 
 to give an account of ourselves. I told them I was 
 an American citizen only too anxious to return to my 
 own country now I had seen the pass to which theirs 
 had been brought. Audrey clung to me, and I said 
 she was my little cousin whom I had come to deliver, 
 and that, having wandered hungry for so many days, 
 we had taken refuge in the town in the hope of far- 
 ing better. We were given stools to sit on, and 
 slices of the best cut of the ox were put before us.
 
 GYNECOLOGIA 133 
 
 The rest drank spirits and wine from some cellar in 
 the town and were soon more crazy than ever, and 
 more obscene, but with my belly full of good meat 
 I was not offended and preferred their debauchery 
 to the icy virtue which had so horribly oppressed me 
 at the homestead. Audrey was excited by it all, but 
 I knew that her innocence could take no harm. 
 
 Presently there was only one man sober besides 
 myself. He came towards me and invited me to 
 stay the night in his house where he lived alone 
 with his son. I liked the looks of the man. He 
 was poorly clad, but in the old fashion of coat and 
 trousers, whereas the costumes of the men in the 
 square were strange and bizarre. 
 
 As we walked through the dark streets our new 
 friend told me that all the great cities of Fatland 
 were in this condition, abandoned to the dregs of the 
 population, degraded men and women, idle and law- 
 less, with the leaven of the few proud spirits who 
 would not accept the new regime and found a world 
 governed by women as repulsive as a world governed 
 by men. I was astonished at this, for I could not 
 then see, as later I saw, the abomination of civilised 
 life as I had known it at home. Perhaps a sailor, 
 for whom life ashore means pleasure and relief from 
 responsibilities, cannot feel injustice and inequality. 
 On the sea he has his own way of dealing with those 
 poisons.
 
 134 WINDMILLS 
 
 The house we came to was small but comfortable. 
 My new friend explained that he was able to keep 
 alive by dealing with the outlaws, who kept money 
 current among themselves, and, indeed, had come to 
 regard him as their counsellor and peacemaker, and 
 never returned from their raids without bringing him 
 some tribute. Seeing me dubious of the morality 
 of this, he explained that under the old order he had 
 been a shareholder in joint-stock companies and ac- 
 cepted his share of the profits without scruple as to 
 how they had been obtained. He told me further 
 that he was quite alone in the city, and that no one 
 else maintained the old life. He had registered 
 himself in compliance with the law, but could not 
 leave the mathematical work to which his life had 
 been devoted, for he believed that he would achieve 
 results which would survive all the vicissitudes of 
 Fattish civilisation even as the work of Pythagoras 
 had survived ancient Greece. The number of out- 
 laws, he said, was growing, and there would eventu- 
 ally be a revolution, to lead which he was preparing 
 and educating his son, Edmund. His own sympa- 
 thies, he declared, had at first been with the women, 
 who had been driven to extricate the country from 
 the vicious circle of war into which it had been 
 drawn by the egregious folly of men. But when, 
 having achieved this, they abused their power and, 
 in the intoxication of their success, defied nature her-
 
 GYNECOLOGIA 135 
 
 self, then he had abandoned all hope and had taken 
 the only means of dissociating himself from the life 
 of his country, namely, by staying where he was. 
 To be sure the women had established agriculture on 
 a sound basis, but it was vain for them to breed cattle 
 if they would not breed themselves. 
 
 I asked him if he was a widower. He said No. 
 
 XI: EDMUND 
 
 THIS man's son was the most charming boy I ever 
 set eyes on. He was eighteen, but had the carriage 
 and assurance of a young man in his prime, most res- 
 olute and happy. He liked talking to me and was 
 more communicative than his father. For a fort- 
 night he would work steadily at his books, imbibing 
 the principles of government in the philosophers 
 from Plato down. He thought they were all wrong, 
 said so, and but for his simplicity I should have put 
 him down as conceited. It was very slowly as I 
 talked to him that I came to realise the revolution in 
 thought produced by the great European wars and 
 the terrible consequences, how fatal they had been 
 to the old easy idealism. The new spirit in its gen- 
 erous acceptance of the gross stuff of human nature 
 and its indomitable search for beauty in it has been 
 expressed for all time by our poet, Hohlenheim, and
 
 136 WINDMILLS 
 
 I only need state here that I encountered it for the 
 first time in that ruined city. Not, however, till 
 Hohlenheim expressed it did I recognise it. 
 
 But for Hohlenheim I could believe in a Provi- 
 dence when I think of Edmund and Audrey. They 
 were as bee and flower. The honey of her beauty 
 drew him and he was hers, she his, from the first mo- 
 ment. I had regarded her as a child and was 
 amazed to see how she rejoiced in him. I had ex- 
 pected more modesty until I reflected how in such 
 darkness as that which enveloped Fatland love must 
 blaze. It flared up between them and burned them 
 into one spirit. So moved was I that all other mar- 
 riage, even my own, has always seemed a mockery 
 to me. 
 
 How gracious Audrey was to me ! She promised 
 me that Edmund would hurry up his revolution so 
 that I could return to my own country, but I was 
 given to understand that the position was very diffi- 
 cult, because his own mother was Vice-Chairwoman 
 of the Governing Committee. For a week at a time 
 Edmund would be away rounding up outlaws, and, 
 at great risk, preaching to the kilted and registered 
 men in the fields. Had he been caught he would 
 have been tickled to death. 
 
 After a time I went with him on his expeditions. 
 It was amazing how his eloquence and his personal- 
 ity produced their effect even on the dullest minds.
 
 GYNECOLOGIA 137 
 
 The stream of men proceeding to the ruined city in- 
 creased every day, and we began to have enough 
 good people to suppress the reckless rioters some- 
 what and to organise the life of the town something 
 after the fashion of the Italian city-state, except that 
 we made no warlike preparations whatsoever. 
 Most encouraging of all, we had a, growing number 
 of young women coming into the place, and thankful 
 as they were to escape the nunneries or the spinster- 
 hood of the farms, they quickly found mates and pro- 
 duced children. The birth of every baby was made 
 a matter of public rejoicing. 
 
 But alas ! my ill-luck pursued me. On one of our 
 expeditions we were cut off and surrounded in a field 
 by a patrol of women. Edmund managed to escape, 
 but I was captured and tortured into making a con- 
 fession of what was going on in the ruined city. I 
 did not see how my confession could do any harm, 
 and I don't know what happened, but though my 
 friends must have known where I was they made no 
 attempt to rescue me or to communicate with me. 
 I think I should have died rather than confess but 
 for the thought of my wife. My strongest passion 
 then was to see her again. Let that, if excuse is 
 needed, be mine.
 
 138 WINDMILLS 
 
 XII: THE NUNNERY 
 
 As Edmund disappeared through a gap in the 
 hedge I was attacked by a mob of women, screaming 
 at the top of their voices. They talked me into a 
 state of stupefaction and led me dazed in the direc- 
 tion of a great building which I had taken for a fac- 
 tory or workhouse. Here with the leader of my 
 captors I was hustled through a little gate with the 
 mob outside hooting and yelling : 
 
 "Man! Man! Man!" 
 
 I was flung into a cell and left there to collect my 
 wits, which I found hard of doing, for I was near 
 the limits of my endurance, and I did not see how I 
 could hold out against the numbing influence of such 
 absolute feminism. In the society to which I had 
 been accustomed men, whatever their misdeeds, had 
 always treated women with indulgence, but here the 
 life of a man was one long expiation for the crime of 
 having been born. I had spirit enough left in me to 
 revolt, but my feeling could only express itself in 
 bitter tears. I wept all night without ceasing, and 
 the next day I was so weak and ill that I slept from 
 utter exhaustion. 
 
 Bread and water were handed in to me through a 
 hole in the door, but the bread was sour and the wa- 
 ter was foul to my taste. Once again I fell a vie-
 
 GYNECOLOGIA 139 
 
 tim to the sense of hallucination, and when at last 
 the door of my cell was opened and a human figure 
 entered I was half-convinced that I was honoured 
 with a visitation by an angel. I fell on my knees 
 and the " angel " called me to my senses by saying: 
 " Fool, get up." 
 
 I obeyed and my visitor informed me that she was 
 the Medical Superintendent come to inspect me. I 
 was ordered to strip and stand in the middle of the 
 cell while the superintendent walked round me and 
 surveyed me as farmers do with cattle. She prodded 
 my flesh and asked me my age and what illnesses I 
 had had. She sounded my lungs and tested my 
 heart and appeared to be well satisfied. As she 
 scanned my person there came into her eyes a quiz- 
 zical, humorous look, in which there was a certain 
 kindly pity, so that I was reassured and plucked up 
 courage to ask where I was and what was going to be 
 done with me. I was told that I was in the great 
 nunnery of O, and that my destiny depended upon 
 her report. I asked her to make it a good one and 
 she laughed. I laughed too, for indeed mine was a 
 most ridiculous position, standing there stark naked 
 under her scrutiny. It became necessary for me to 
 cover myself, and when I had done so we still stood 
 there laughing like two sillies. She said: 
 
 II You'll do." 
 " For what?"
 
 140 WINDMILLS 
 
 " I can give you a certificate for fatherhood." 
 
 I gasped and protested that I was married, and 
 expressed my horror of any such misconduct as she 
 proposed. She ignored my protest and said: 
 
 " The mothers of your children will be carefully 
 chosen for you." 
 
 On that I roared with laughter. The idea was 
 too preposterous. The superintendent reproved me 
 and said that any ordinary man would give his eyes 
 to be in my position, which I owed entirely to my 
 wonderful physique. I declared my unwillingness 
 and demanded as an American citizen to be set at 
 liberty. She told me that the idea of nationality 
 was not recognised and that I must serve the human 
 race in the way marked out for me. " How? " said 
 I. "Marked out for me? By whom?" I was 
 assured by my own physical fitness. I protested that 
 I could not look upon fatherhood as a career, but 
 was told that I must consider it among the noblest. 
 I maintained that it could never be for a man more 
 than an incident, significant and delightful no doubt, 
 but no more to be specialized in than any other natu- 
 ral function. Argument, however, was impossible, 
 for on this subject the superintendent's humour de- 
 serted her. However, her interest was roused and 
 she was more friendly in her attitude, and consented 
 to explain to me the institution which she served. It 
 was not in the old sense a nunnery, for its inmates
 
 GYNECOLOGIA 141 
 
 were not vowed to seclusion, and though portraits 
 of William Christmas were plentiful on its walls, 
 there was no formal devotion to his memory. It 
 was literally a garden of girls. Female children 
 were brought from the affiliated creches to be trained 
 and educated for the functions of life to which they 
 were best fitted. The intelligent were equipped for 
 the sciences, the strong for agriculture, the quick 
 and cunning for industry, the beautiful for maternity. 
 Male children were farmed out and given no instruc- 
 tion whatever, since they needed no intelligence for 
 the duties they had to perform. " But the birth- 
 rate?" I said, and received the answer: "Should 
 never be such as to complicate the problem of food. 
 It is better to have a small sensible population than 
 one which is driven mad by its own multitude." 
 
 I was far from convinced and said : " Such a 
 world might a student of bees dream of after a late 
 supper of radishes." 
 
 My new friend replied that I had not lived 
 through the nightmare of the great wars, or I would 
 be in a better position to appreciate the blessings of a 
 scientific society. She admitted that men were 
 perhaps treated with undue severity, but added that, 
 for her part, she believed it to be necessary for the 
 gradual suppression of the masculine conceit and 
 folly which had for so long ravaged the world. In 
 time that would right itself, the severity would be
 
 142 WINDMILLS 
 
 relaxed, and men would assert an undeniable claim to 
 a due share in the benefits of civilisation. In the 
 meanwhile, she would do all in her power to befriend 
 me. I implored her to certify me unfit for father- 
 hood, but she would only yield so far as to declare 
 that I was in need of a month's recuperation and 
 distraction. 
 
 With that ended my interview with that extraor- 
 dinary woman, who in happier circumstances would 
 have been a glory to her sex. 
 
 I was presently removed from my cell to a pleas- 
 ant room in the lodge by the gate, and I was made 
 to earn my keep by working in the garden. At the 
 end of a week I was despatched by road to the capi- 
 tal to appear there before the examining committee 
 of the department of birth. 
 
 XIII: IN THE CAPITAL 
 
 As luck would have it my guardian on the long jour- 
 ney by road for motor-cars had not been re- 
 nounced was a little chatterbox of a woman, who 
 coquetted with me in the innocent and provocative 
 manner of the born flirt. She meant no harm by it, 
 but could not control her eyes and gestures. I en- 
 couraged her to make her talk, and she told me it 
 would have gone hardly with me but that the medi-
 
 GYNECOLOGIA 143 
 
 cal superintendent had been passing by the gate of 
 the nunnery as I was thrust in. But for her I should 
 have been condemned to work in the sewers or to sell 
 stamps in the post office, menial work reserved for 
 criminals, for the authorities were becoming exas- 
 perated with the agitation for the rights of men. 
 The outlaws no one minded. They inhabited the 
 ruined cities and sooner or later would be starved 
 out. It was absurd to expect the new society to be 
 rid altogether of the pests which had plagued the 
 old, but every reasonable woman was determined 
 that for generations men should not enjoy the rights 
 which they had so wantonly abused. 
 
 u But," I said, " men never claimed rights." 
 
 " No," answered my coquette, " they stole them 
 when we were not looking. They insisted that we 
 should all be mothers, so that we should be too busy 
 to keep them out of mischief." 
 
 " My dear child," said I, " it is the women who 
 have kept us in mischief." 
 
 " No one can say," she replied, " that we do not 
 keep you out of it now." And she gave me one of 
 those arch involuntary invitations which have before 
 now been the undoing of Empires. I could not re- 
 sist it. I seized her in my arms and kissed her full 
 on the lips. 
 
 I half expected her to stop the car and denounce 
 me, but when she had made sure that the girl driving
 
 144 WINDMILLS 
 
 had not seen she was undisturbed and remarked with 
 a charming smile : 
 
 " Some foreign ways are rather pretty." 
 
 I repeated the offence, and by the journey's end we 
 were very good friends and understood each other 
 extremely well. She agreed with me when I said 
 that all forms of society were dependent upon a lot 
 of solemn humbug. She said yes, and she expected 
 that before she had done she would be put upon her 
 trial. I did not then understand her meaning, for 
 we parted at the door of a large house, where she 
 was given a receipt for me. She saluted me, the 
 dear little trousered flirt, by putting her finger to her 
 lips as the car drove off. 
 
 There were no women in that house. Its inhab- 
 itants were a number of young men like myself, all 
 superb in physique and many of them extremely 
 handsome, but they were all gloomy and depressed. 
 I was right in guessing them to be other candidates 
 for fatherhood. They were guarded and served by 
 very old men in long robes like tea-gowns. Horri- 
 ble old creatures they were, like wicked midwives 
 who vary their habit of bringing human beings into 
 the world by preparing their dead bodies to leave 
 it. But the young men were hardly any better: 
 they were dull, stupid, and listless, and their conver- 
 sation was obscene. I 
 
 We had to spend our time in physical exercise, in
 
 GYNECOLOGIA 145 
 
 taking baths and anointing our bodies with unguents 
 and perfumes. We were decked out in beautiful 
 clothes. Embroidered coats and white linen kilts. 
 In the evenings there were lectures on physiology, 
 and we were made to chant a poetical passage from 
 the works of William Christmas, a description of the 
 glory of the bridegroom, of which I remember noth- 
 ing except an offensive comparison with a stallion. 
 
 The humiliation was terrible, and when I remem- 
 bered the superintendent speaking of " the mothers 
 of my children " I was seized with a nausea which I 
 could not shake off, until, two days after my arrival, 
 an epidemic of suicide among the candidates hor- 
 rified me into a wholesome reaction against my sur- 
 roundings. I found it hard to account for the epi- 
 demic until I noticed the coincidence of the disap- 
 pearance of the most comely of the young men with 
 the periodic visits of the high officials. This 
 pointed, though at first I refused to believe it, to the 
 vilest abuse of the system set up by the women in 
 their pathetic attempt to solve the problem of popu- 
 lation scientifically. Far, far better were it had 
 they been content with their refusal to bear children 
 and to impose chastity upon all without exception, 
 and to let the race perish. Must the stronger sex 
 always seek to degrade the weaker? My experi- 
 ence in that house filled me with an ungovernable 
 hatred of women. The sight of them with the ab-
 
 146 WINDMILLS 
 
 surdities of their bodies accentuated by the trousered 
 costumes they had elected to adopt filled me with 
 scorn and bitter merriment. The smell of them, to 
 which in my hatred I became morbidly sensitive, 
 made me sick. The sound of their voices set my 
 teeth on edge. 
 
 Such was my condition when, after three weeks' 
 training, I was called before the examination com- 
 mittee. 
 
 XIV: THE EXAMINATION 
 
 NOTHING in all my strange experiences astonished 
 me so much as the lack of ceremony in this matter of 
 fatherhood. It was approached with a brutal dis- 
 interestedness, a cynical disregard of feeling equalled 
 only by men of pleasure in other countries. I was 
 filled with rage when I was introduced to the com- 
 mittee of middle-aged and elderly women and ex- 
 posed to their cold scrutiny. First of all I was told 
 to stand at the end of the hall and repeat the poem 
 of William Christmas. I had been made to get it by 
 heart, but in my distress I substituted the word Ram 
 for the word Stallion. The chairwoman rapped 
 angrily on the table. 
 
 " Why do you say Ram for Stallion? "
 
 GYNECOLOGIA 147 
 
 "I replied: "Because it more aptly describes 
 my condition. There is nobility in the stallion, but 
 the ram is a foolish beast." 
 
 There was a consultation, after which the chair- 
 woman bade me approach and said: 
 
 " Your medical report is excellent but we are 
 afraid you lack mental simplicity. You are an edu- 
 cated man." 
 
 " I am an American citizen," I replied proudly, 
 " and I protest against the treatment to which I have 
 been subjected." 
 
 " We know nothing of that," retorted the chair- 
 woman. " You are before us as L.D. 8150, recom- 
 mended for paternal duties and, if passed, to be en- 
 tered in the stud-book. Your record since you have 
 been in the country is a bad one, but points to the 
 possession of a spirit which for our purposes may be 
 valuable." 
 
 I said: " You may call me what you like; you 
 may register me in any book you please, send me 
 where you choose, but I am a married man and will 
 not oblige you." 
 
 Then a fury seized me and I shouted : 
 
 " Can you not see that you are driving your peo- 
 ple into madness or disaster, that you will soon be 
 plunged again into barbarism, that your science is de- 
 stroying the very spirit of civilisation? I tell you 
 that even now, as you work and plan and arrange,
 
 148 WINDMILLS 
 
 there is growing a revolt against you, a revolt so 
 strong that it will ignore you, as life in the end ig- 
 nores those who would measure it with a silver rod." 
 The chairwoman smiled as she rejoined: 
 " Those are almost identically the words I ad- 
 dressed to the late Prime Minister of Fatland when, 
 after thirty years of prevarication, he was persuaded 
 to receive a deputation. I am afraid we must reject 
 you as a candidate for the duties for which you have 
 been trained. In the ordinary course you would be 
 put upon your trial and committed to a severe cross- 
 examination, an art which has been raised by us to 
 the pitch of perfection. As it is, we are satisfied 
 that you are labouring under the disadvantage of 
 contamination from a man-governed society and are 
 probably not guilty of the usual offences which ren- 
 der candidates unfit. We therefore condemn you as 
 a man of genius, and order you to be interned in the 
 suburb set apart for that class." 
 
 I bowed to cover my amazement, a bell was rung, 
 and I was conducted forth. Outside, meeting an- 
 other candidate, green with nervousness, I told him 
 I had been rejected, whereupon he plucked up cour- 
 age and asked me how I had managed it. I told 
 him to say Billy-Goat instead of Stallion.
 
 GYNECOLOGIA 149 
 
 XV: MEN OF GENIUS 
 
 I HAD not then met Hohlenheim and did not know 
 what a man of genius was, and for genius I still had 
 a superstitious reverence. Before I left the com- 
 mittee hall I was given a coloured ribbon to wear 
 across my breast and a brass button to pin into my 
 hat. On the button was printed M.G. 1231. 
 What! said I to myself, Over a thousand men of 
 genius in the country! never dreaming that some of 
 them might be of the same kind as myself, so obsti- 
 nate are superstitions and so completely do they hide 
 the obvious. 
 
 As I passed through the streets of the capital I 
 found that I was the object of amused contemptuous 
 glances from the women, who walked busily and pur- 
 posefully along. There were no shops in the streets, 
 which were bordered with trees and gardens and 
 seemed to be very well and skilfully laid out. I was 
 free to go where I liked, or I thought I was, and I 
 determined not to go to the suburb, but to find a 
 lodging where I could for a while keep out of trouble 
 and at my leisure discover some means of getting 
 out of the abominable country. Coming on what 
 looked like an eating-house, I entered the folding 
 doors, but was immediately ejected by a diminutive
 
 150 WINDMILLS 
 
 portress. When I explained that I was hungry she 
 told me to go home. 
 
 I was equally unfortunate at other places, and at 
 last put their unkind receptions down to my badges. 
 Is this, I thought, how they treat their men of 
 genius? My applications for lodgings were no more 
 prosperous, and I was preparing to sleep in the 
 streets when I met an enormously fat man wearing 
 a ribbon and button like my own. He hailed me as 
 a comrade, flung his arm round my shoulder and 
 said: "The cold winds of misfortune may blow 
 through an aeolian harp, but they make music. Ah ! 
 Divine music, in paint, in stone, in words, and many 
 other different materrials." " I beg your pardon," 
 said I, " but the wind of misfortune is blowing an in- 
 fernal hunger through my ribs, and I should be 
 obliged if you will lead me to a place where I can be 
 fed." " Gladly, gladly. We immortals, living and 
 dead, are brothers." So saying he led me through 
 a couple of gardens until we came to a village of 
 little red houses set round a green, in the center of 
 which was a statue. " Christmas ! " I cried. 
 " Christmas it is," said my guide, " the only statue 
 left in the country, save in our little community, 
 where the rule is, Every man his own statue." 
 
 Community within community! This society in 
 which I was floundering was like an Indian puzzle- 
 box which you open and open until you come to
 
 GYNECOLOGIA 
 
 a little piece of cane like a slice of a dried pea. 
 
 However, I was too hungry to pursue reflection 
 any further and without more words followed my 
 companion into one of the little red houses, where 
 for the first time for many months I was face to face 
 with a right good meal. Here at any rate were sen- 
 sible people who had not forgotten that a man's first 
 obligation is to his stomach. I ate feverishly and 
 paid no heed to my companions at table, two little 
 gentlemen whom at home I would have taken for 
 elderly store-clerks. When at last I spoke, one of 
 the little gentlemen was very excited to discover that 
 I was an American. " Can you tell me," he said, 
 " can you tell me who are now the best sellers? " 
 
 " What," I asked, " are they? " 
 
 They looked at each other in dismay. 
 
 " We were best sellers," they cried in chorus. 
 
 After the meal they brought out volumes of cut- 
 tings from the American newspapers, and I recog- 
 nised the names of men who had in their works 
 brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my lips. 
 
 " Do I behold," I said, " the authors of those de- 
 lightful books which have made life sweeter for 
 thousands? " 
 
 They hung their heads modestly, each apparently 
 expecting the other to speak. At last my fat friend 
 said: 
 
 " Brothers, we will have a bottle of port on this."
 
 WINDMILLS 
 
 The port was already decanted and ready to his 
 hand. Over it they poured out their woes. Publi- 
 cation had stopped in Fatland. There was no pub- 
 lic, and the public of America had been made inacces- 
 sible. How can a man write a book without a pub- 
 lic? It would be sheer waste of his genius. When 
 a man has been paid two hundred dollars for a story 
 he could not be expected to work for less, could he ? 
 I supposed not, and the little man with the long hair 
 and pointed Elizabethean beard cried hysterically: 
 
 " But these women, these harpies, expect us to 
 work for their bits of paper, their drafts on their 
 miserable stores. When they drew up their con- 
 founded statutes they admitted genius : they acknowl- 
 edged that we should be useless on farms or in fac- 
 tories. They allowed us this, the once-famous gar- 
 den suburb, for our residence and retreat, but they 
 made us work work us, the dreamers of 
 dreams ! But what work? The sweet fruits of our 
 inspiration? No. We have been set to edit the 
 works of William Christmas, to write the biography 
 of William Christmas, to prepare the sayings of 
 William Christmas for the young. No Christmas, 
 no dinner, and there you are. Is such a life toler- 
 able?" 
 
 " Nol " cried the fat man. 
 
 ' What is more," continued the indignant one, 
 " we are asked to dwell among nincompoops who
 
 GYNECOLOGIA 
 
 have never had and never could have any reputation, 
 young men who used to insult us in the newspapers, 
 cranks and faddists who have never reached the 
 heart of the great public and are jealous of those 
 who have. And these men are set to work with us 
 in our drudgery, and they are paid exactly at the 
 same rate. Fortunately many of them waste their 
 time in writing poetry and drama while we do their 
 work and make them pay in contributions to our 
 table. Pass the port, brother." 
 
 They spent the evening reading aloud from their 
 volumes of press cuttings, living in the glorious past, 
 while they appealed to me every now and then for 
 news of the publishing world in America. I in- 
 vented the names of best sellers and made my hosts' 
 mouths water over the prices I alleged to be then 
 current. They were so pleased with me that they 
 pressed me to stay with them and to work on the new 
 Concordance of Christmas. 
 
 XVI: REVOLUTION 
 
 WORK on the Index, I soon found, meant preparing 
 the whole mighty undertaking, while my three men 
 of genius smoked, ate, drank, slept, talked, and went 
 a-strolling in the capital. There was this advantage 
 about being a man of genius that I was free to come
 
 WINDMILLS 
 
 and go as and when I liked, though I was everywhere 
 scoffed at and treated with good-humoured scorn. I 
 was always liable to insult at the hands of the high- 
 spirited young women of the capital who held places 
 in the Government offices and had acquired the inso- 
 lent manners of a ruling class. However, I soon 
 learned to recognise the type and to avoid an en- 
 counter, though my poor old friends often came 
 home black and blue. 
 
 There was a great deal more sense in Christmas 
 than I had at first supposed, and, as I progressed 
 with my work, I saw that what he meant was very 
 near what Edmund and his father had been at, 
 namely, that men and women, if only they set about 
 it the right way, can find in each other the interest, 
 amusement, and imaginative zest to dispel the bore- 
 dom which is alone responsible for social calamities. 
 His appeal had been to men, but he had only reached 
 the ears of women, anad they had hopelessly mis- 
 understood him. They had expected him to have a 
 new message and had taken his old wisdom for nov- 
 elty by identifying it with his personality. He had 
 not taken the precaution to placate the men of genius 
 of his time. Without a marketable reputation they 
 could not recognise him. They refused to acknowl- 
 edge him and drove him into the strange courses 
 which made him seem to the nerve-ridden women of
 
 GYNECOLOGIA 
 
 the country new, fresh, and Heaven-sent. Cer- 
 tainly he had genius, as my professional men of 
 genius had it not, and it came into too direct a con- 
 tact with the public mind. The smouldering indig- 
 nation of ages burst into flame. More and more as 
 I worked I was filled with respect for this idealist 
 and with pity for the human beings who had fol- 
 lowed him to their undoing. His insight was re- 
 markable, and I made a collection of his works to 
 take back with me to America, if I should ever go 
 there. 
 
 I stayed in the Suburb of Genius for a couple of 
 years, very pleased to be away from the women, and 
 among people many of whom were amusing. There 
 were painters and sculptors, who spent their time 
 making Christmas portraits and effigies, cursing 
 like sailors as they worked. Very good company 
 some of these men, and most ingenious in their shifts 
 and devices to dodge the rules and regulations with 
 which they were hemmed in. Some of them had 
 smuggled women into their houses and lived in a 
 very charming domesticity. I envied them and was 
 filled with longing for my home. 
 
 One day as I was at my work I came on an unpub- 
 lished manuscript of Christmas. It contained a 
 poem which I liked and a saying which fired me. 
 This was the poem:
 
 156 WINDMILLS 
 
 " The woman's spirit kindles man's desire, 
 And both are burned up by a quenchless fire. 
 Let but the woman set her spirit free, 
 Then it is man's unto eternity. 
 It is a world within his hands, and there 
 They two may dwell encircled in a square." 
 
 I could never quite make sense of it, but it seized 
 my imagination as nonsense sometimes will, and pre- 
 pared it for the convulsion which was to happen. 
 
 This was the saying : 
 
 " There will come one after me who shall build 
 where I have destroyed, and he shall capture the 
 flame wherewith I have burned away the dying 
 thoughts of men." 
 
 The words haunted me. They were in none of 
 the Christmas books, nor in the biography. I in- 
 serted it in the Concordance and in a new edition of 
 the Speeches, on my own responsibility and without 
 saying a word to my employers. There might or 
 might not be trouble, but I knew that the Chairwo- 
 man of the Governing Committee was a vain old 
 creature and would take the words to mean herself. 
 To my mind they pointed straight to Edmund. I 
 knew that his cause was gaining ground and that, if 
 I could gain sufficient publicity for the saying, his 
 following would be vastly increased. 
 
 I was on good terms with the chief of the publish- 
 ing department and was able to persuade her to an- 
 nounce that the new edition of the Speeches was the
 
 GYNECOLOGIA ItJ7 
 
 only one authorised by the Governing Committee; 
 all others to be called in. The success of my trick 
 exceeded all my dreams. There was something like 
 an exodus from the capital. 
 
 I met my dear Audrey one day. She had come to 
 spy out the land. Her news was glorious. For 
 miles round the once ruined city the farms were oc- 
 cupied with happy men and women working together 
 to supply food for the towns, which in return fur- 
 nished their wants from its workshops, which the 
 toilers filled with song as they worked. The fame 
 of it was everywhere growing. Other ruined cities 
 had been occupied. Two of the great nunneries 
 were deserted. Edmund with a great company of 
 young men had taken possession of a town by the 
 sea and opened the harbour and released the ships. 
 
 " Ships ! " I said. " There are ships sailing on 
 the sea ! " 
 
 That settled it. No more men of genius for me. 
 That night I spent in chalking up the saying of Wil- 
 liam Christmas on the walls of the capital. The 
 next morning I was with Audrey wandering about 
 the streets, hearing Edmund's name on all lips, and 
 then, satisfied that all would be well, I made for the 
 sea-board. 
 
 It was good to see America again, but I suffered 
 there as acutely as I had done in Fatland. I had 
 been among women who, if misguided, were free.
 
 158 WINDMILLS 
 
 My dear wife and I could never understand one an- 
 other and she died within a very few years after my 
 return of a broken heart. I thought I could not sur- 
 vive her, and should not have done but for my fortu- 
 nate encounter with Hohlenheim, who could under- 
 stand my loathing of woman in Fatland, of man in 
 America, draw it up into his own matchless imagina- 
 tion and distil the passion of it into beauty.
 
 Out of Work 

 
 I: MR. ELY'S HEART BREAKS 
 
 IN a little house, one of many such houses, in a town, 
 one of many such towns in Fatland, sat Nicholas Ely, 
 a small stationer and newsagent, by the bedside of 
 his wife. She said: "Ain't I thin, Nick?" and 
 again she said: " My hair is only half what it 
 was." And he said: "It's very pretty hair." 
 She smiled and took his hand in hers and she died. 
 When Nicholas Ely was quite sure that she was 
 dead, when he could believe that she was dead, he 
 did not weep, for there were no tears in his eyes. 
 He said nothing, for there were no words in his 
 mind. He felt nothing, for his heart was breaking, 
 and so little was he alive that he did not know it. 
 His wife was dead, his two children were dead, his 
 shop was closed, and he had two shillings in the 
 world, and they were borrowed. 
 
 He went out into the street and when he saw a 
 well-fed man he hated him : and when he saw a thin 
 hungry man he despised him; on returning to his 
 house he found there a Doctor and a Parson. The 
 Doctor said his wife had died of something with two 
 
 long Latin names. 
 
 161
 
 162 WINDMILLS 
 
 " She starved," said Nicholas Ely. 
 
 The Parson said something about the will and the 
 love of God. 
 
 " The devil's took her," said Nicholas B-ly. 
 
 The Parson cast up his eyes and exhorted the 
 blasphemer to seek comfort in duty and distraction 
 in hard work. 
 
 "I'm out of work," said Nicholas Ely; "the 
 devil's took my work and my wife and my two chil- 
 dren. Hell's full up and overflowed into this 'ere 
 town and this 'ere street. We must fight the devil 
 with fire and bloody murders." 
 
 The Parson and the Doctor agreed that the poor 
 fellow was mad. 
 
 II: MR. ELY IS IMPRISONED 
 
 NICHOLAS ELY'S stomach was full of emptiness, the 
 heat of his blood parched his brains, and his sleep 
 was crowded with huddling bad dreams. He ate 
 crusts and cabbage stalks picked up out of the gut- 
 ter, and when he was near mad with thirst he 
 snatched beer jugs from children as they turned 
 into the entries leading to their houses. His days 
 he spent looking for the devil. Three nights he 
 spent moving from one square with seats round it to 
 another, and on the fourth night he heard of a brick-
 
 OUTOFWORK 163 
 
 field where there was some warmth. He slept there 
 that night and was arrested. The magistrate said: 
 
 " I am satisfied that you are a thoroughly worth- 
 less character, an incurable vagabond, and if not yet 
 a danger, a nuisance to society. . . ." 
 
 (The magistrate said a great deal more. He was 
 newly appointed and needed to persuade himself of 
 his dignity by talk.) 
 
 Nicholas Ely was sent to prison. 
 
 Ill: THE DARK GENTLEMAN 
 
 WHEN he left the prison Nicholas Ely realised that 
 he had legs to walk with but nowhere to go, hands 
 to work with but nothing to do, a brain to think with 
 but never a thought. He was almost startled to 
 find himself utterly alone, and his loneliness drove 
 him into a hot rage. In prison he had thought 
 vaguely of the world as a warm place outside, to 
 which in the course of days he would return. Now 
 that he had returned the world had nothing to do 
 with him and he had nothing to do with it. He 
 prowled through the streets, but a sort of pride for- 
 bade him to eat the cabbage stalks and crusts of the 
 gutters, and to rob children of their parents' beer 
 he was ashamed. He looked for work, but was 
 everywhere refused, and he said to himself:
 
 164 WINDMILLS 
 
 " Prison is the best the world can do for men like 
 
 me." 
 
 But he was determined to give the world a better 
 reason for putting him in prison than sleeping in a 
 brick-field because it was warm. The world was 
 cold. He would make it warm. The devil was in 
 the world: he would burn him out, use his own ele- 
 ment against him. 
 
 He chose the largest timber-yard he could find, 
 and that night he stole a can of petrol, and when he 
 had placed it in a heap of shavings went out into the 
 street to find some matches. He met a seedy indi- 
 vidual in a coat with a fur collar and a broad- 
 brimmed hat, who looked like an actor, and he asked 
 him if he could oblige him with a match. 
 
 " Lucifers," said the seedy individual and gave 
 him three. 
 
 Nicholas Ely returned to the timber-yard with the 
 matches. He struck one. It went off like a rocket. 
 The second exploded like a Chinese cracker, and he 
 was just lighting the third when he heard a melan- 
 choly chuckle. He turned his head and found the 
 seedy individual gazing at him with an expression of 
 wistfulness. 
 
 " Like old times," said the seedy individual. 
 
 Nicholas Ely lit the third match and it flooded the 
 whole yard with Bengal light, and still he had not set 
 fire to his petrol.
 
 OUT OF WO 
 
 " Gimme another match," * 
 " watch me set fire to the yard ai 
 
 " I have no more," rep' 
 " Those were my last. I no lon t 
 struments of fire. No one wants m> 
 lost everything and am doomed." 
 
 " I have lost my wife, my children and m^ .. 
 
 " I have lost my kingdom, my power and n 
 glory." 
 
 " The devil took them," answered Nicholas Ely. 
 
 " I wish I had," replied the stranger. 
 
 IV: THE DARK GENTLEMAN'S STORY 
 
 NICHOLAS ELY fetched a screech loud enough to 
 wake a whole parish. The dark gentleman pounced 
 on him firmly and gagged him with his hand, and his 
 fingers burnt into the newsagent's cheek. 
 
 " Be silent," said the dark gentleman, " you'll 
 have them coming and taking you away from me. 
 Will you be silent? " 
 
 Nicholas Ely nodded to say he would be silent. 
 Then he said : 
 
 " If you didn't take them, who did? " 
 
 "Jah!" said the devil, for the dark gentleman 
 was no other. " Jah took them. Jah does every-
 
 WINDMILLS 
 
 I am forced to the conclusion that 
 d everything going on much the 
 / it would be. I knew he would 
 ealing with virtuous people. It 
 I was deposed without any no- 
 , middle of the busiest time I'd had for 
 I have had a horrible time. No one be- 
 >cd in me. For years now I have only been used 
 .o frighten children, and have occasionally been al- 
 lowed to slip into their dreams. You must agree 
 that it is galling for one who has lived on the fat of 
 human faith for in the good old days I had far 
 more souls than Jah. I haven't been in a grown 
 man's mind for years until I found yours open to 
 me." 
 
 " I don't know about that," said Nicholas Ely. 
 " I want my wife. I want my two children. I 
 want my work." 
 
 " Anything may be possible if you will believe in 
 
 me." 
 
 " I'll believe in anything, I'd go to Hell if I could 
 get them back." 
 
 " There is no Hell," said the devil.
 
 OUTOFWORK 167 
 
 V: COGITATION 
 
 THIS was a little difficult for Nicholas Ely. For a 
 long time they sat brooding in the darkness of the 
 timber-yard. Then said Nicholas Ely: 
 
 " Seeing's believing. I see you. I believe m you. 
 You're the first critter that's spoke to me honest and 
 kindly this many a long day. You seem to be worse 
 off than I am. We're mates." 
 
 ' Thank you," said the devil. " In the old days 
 I used to offer those who believed in me women, 
 wine, song and riches. But now we shall have to see 
 what we can do." 
 
 " I want to spite that there Jah." 
 
 " We will do our best," said the devil. 
 
 With that they rose to their feet, and as they left 
 the timber-yard the devil shook a spark out of his 
 tail on to the petrol, so that they had not gone above 
 a mile when- the wood was ablaze and they could see 
 the red glow of the fire against the sky. 
 
 VI: CONFLAGRATION 
 
 GLEEFULLY the devil took Mr. Ely back to watch 
 the blaze, and they were huddled and squeezed and
 
 168 WINDMILLS 
 
 pressed in the crowd. A fat woman took a f ancy to 
 the devil and put her arm round his waist. 
 " Where are you living, old dear? " she said. 
 " You leave my pal alone," said Nicholas Ely. 
 But the devil gave her a smacking kiss, and she 
 slapped his face and giggled, saying: 
 
 " Geeh! That was a warm one that was." 
 And she persisted until the devil had confessed 
 his name to be Mr. Nicodemus. Then she said she 
 had a snug little room in her house which he could 
 have his pal too if they were not to be separated. 
 Mr. Ely demurred, but Mr. Nicodemus said: 
 " You can only get at Jah through the women." 
 So they pursued the adventure and went home 
 with the fat woman, but when she reached her par- 
 lour she plumped down on her knees and said her 
 prayers, and the devil vanished, and she was so en- 
 raged that she swept Nicholas Ely out with her 
 broom. He hammered on her door and told her 
 why his friend had vanished, and that if she would 
 say her prayers backward he would return. She 
 said her prayers backwards and Mr. Nicodemus re- 
 turned.
 
 OUTOFWORK 169 
 
 VII: TIB STREET 
 
 THE fat woman's name was Mrs. Martin, and when 
 she found that her beloved had a tail she was not at 
 all put out, but to avoid scandal, cut it off. 
 
 All the same there was a scandal, for the fascina- 
 tion of Mr. Nicodemus was irresistible, and the 
 house was always full of women, and whenever he 
 went out he was followed by a herd of them. Mrs. 
 Martin was jealous, Mr. Ely sulked and Mr. Nic- 
 odemus had a busy time placating indignant hus- 
 bands and lovers. Not a house in Tib street but 
 was in a state of upheaval. The men sought conso- 
 lation in drink, and presently there was hardly one 
 who had retained his work. 
 
 " We are getting on," said Mr. Nicodemus. 
 " We are getting on. In the good old times men 
 left their work to follow me, and it used to be a fa- 
 vourite device of mine to make their work seem so 
 repulsive to them that they preferred thieving or 
 fighting or even suffering to it. If we end as we 
 have begun, then Jah will be as isolated as you and 
 I have been." 
 
 And he chuckled in triumph and bussed Mrs. Mar- 
 tin. 
 
 "That," said she, " reminds me of Martin; and
 
 170 WINDMILLS 
 
 he was a oner, he was. That's worth anything to 
 me." 
 
 With that the good creature bustled off to arrange 
 for a week's charing to keep her lodgers in food. 
 
 Shortlived, however was the triumph of Mr. 
 Nicodemus, for, with the women neglecting their 
 homes and the men their work, the children sickened 
 and died, and no day passed but two or three little 
 coffins were taken to the cemetery. And in their 
 grief the women remembered Jah, and went to 
 church to appease His wrath. The men were so- 
 bered and returned to work, but at wages punitively 
 reduced, so that their last state was worse than their 
 first, for the women were now devoted to Jah and 
 the children were empty and their bellies were 
 pinched. 
 
 Nicholas Ely cursed Jah. The sight of the little 
 coffins being taken out of Tib Street reminded him 
 of his own children and he went near mad and 
 vowed that Jah was taking them because He was a 
 jealous God, one who had taken Hell from the devil 
 and their children from men in the purblindness of 
 His fury. 
 
 And he began to preach at the corner of Tib 
 Street.
 
 OUT OF WORK 171 
 
 VIII: MR. ELY'S SERMON 
 
 HE said: 
 
 ' There are many filthy streets in this town, but 
 this is the filthiest. Who made it filthy? Jah! It 
 is the nature of man to love his wife and his children, 
 to dwell with them in peace and loving-kindness. 
 But for all his love, wherewith shall a man feed his 
 wife and children? What clothing shall he give 
 them? What shelter find for them? Go you into 
 this street and look into the houses. You will find 
 crumbling walls, broken stairs, windows stuffed with 
 clouts : you will find bare shelves and cupboards : you 
 will find dead children with never so much as a whole 
 shroud among them. You will say that perhaps 
 they are better dead, but I say unto you that if a 
 man's children be dead wherewith shall he feed his 
 love? And without a full love in his heart how 
 shall a man work or live or die? Are we born only 
 to die? And if life ends in death what matters it 
 how life be lived? But, I say unto you, that because 
 life ends in death a man must see to it that all his 
 days are filled with love, which is beauty, which is 
 truth. And I say unto you when your eyes are filled 
 and bleeding with the pain of the sights you shall see 
 here, go out into the fields and to the hills and the 
 great waters and see the sun rise and shed his light
 
 172 WINDMILLS 
 
 and go down and cast his light upon the moon, and 
 draw vapour from the earth and bring it again in the 
 rain ; and feel the wind upon your faces, and see the 
 sodden air hang upon the earth until the coming of 
 the storm to cleanse its foulness: and do you mark 
 the flight of the birds, the nesting of the birds, the 
 happy fish in the waters, the slow beasts in the fields : 
 observe the growth of trees and plants, and grasses 
 and corn. Then you shall know the richness of love 
 among the creatures that know not Jah. They die 
 and are visited with sickness even as we, but theirs is 
 a free life and a free death unconfined by any sick- 
 ness of the mind or tyranny of Gods and Demons. 
 We alone among creatures are cheated of our desires 
 and perish for the want of food amid plenty, and are 
 cut off each from his full share of the abounding love 
 of the world. Who takes our share? Jah! Who 
 kills our love? Jah! Who filches the best of our 
 thoughts, the keenest sap of our courage? Who 
 fills our lives and homes with darkness and despair, 
 and meanness and emptiness? Jah! I know not 
 who Jah is, nor whence He came, but I will dethrone 
 Him."
 
 OUT OF WORK 173 
 
 IX: THE EFFECT OF MR. ELY'S 
 SERMON 
 
 STREET oratory was at that time very common, but 
 there was a note in Mr. Ely's eloquence which at- 
 tracted many of the inhabitants of the district, espe- 
 cially the young, and he achieved a certain fame. 
 No one knew exactly what he was talking about, for, 
 except for expletive purposes, the word Jah had 
 dropped out of the vernacular. Mr. Ely was as- 
 sumed to be some kind of politician, and he was cer- 
 tainly more exciting than most. Therefore his au- 
 diences were twice as large as those of any other 
 speaker. Seeing this, a Labour Agitator came to 
 him and offered him a place on his committee and a 
 pound a week as a lecturer. 
 
 " I can speak about nothing but Jah," said Mr. 
 Ely. 
 
 " Speak about anything you like so long as you 
 catch their ears," said the agitator. 
 
 So Mr. Ely accepted the offer. 
 
 X: THE WIDOW MARTIN 
 
 WHE.N Mr. Ely told his infernal companion of his 
 engagement Mr. Nicodemus said:
 
 174 WINDMILLS 
 
 " Talking is a very human way of creating a dis- 
 turbance. My way and Jah's way is the way of 
 corruption. We unseat the mind and poison the 
 soul with unsatisfiable desires. But if you wish it I 
 will go with you. We have lit a fire in Tib Street 
 that will burn itself out without us." 
 
 " I should like your company," replied Mr. Ely. 
 " It helps me to be reminded that Jah has been un- 
 just to more than human beings. It redoubles my 
 fury and kindles my eloquence. I am determined to 
 earn my pound a week and drive Jah out of the 
 land." 
 
 The devil began to draw on his shabby fur coat. 
 Mrs. Martin had been listening to their conversa- 
 tion. She burst in upon them and vowed that her 
 Nick should never, never leave her. With horrible 
 callousness Mr. Nicodemus told her that he was 
 pledged to Mr. Ely, and asked her for his tail. She 
 refused to give it up, and was so stubborn that, at 
 last, after they had argued with her, and pleaded 
 and stormed, and bribed and bullied, she said she 
 would produce his tail if she might go with them; 
 and they consented, for Mr. Nicodemus said that if 
 he were ever returned to power he would be in need 
 of his tail, and indeed would be a ridiculous object 
 without it, his system of damnation being supported 
 by tradition and symbol and ritual. 
 
 They had a merry supper-party, and that night
 
 OUT OF WORK 175 
 
 took train for the town appointed for Mr. Ely's first 
 appearance on a political platform. 
 
 XI: MAKING A STIR 
 
 WHERE other politicians dealt in statistics, which, 
 after all, are but an intellectual excitement, a kind 
 of mental cats'-cradle, our orator sounded three 
 notes : he appealed to a man's love of women, his 
 love of children, and led his audience on to hatred of 
 Jah. To the first two they responded, were per- 
 suaded that they were as he said, cheated and be- 
 trayed, and, though they could not follow him fur- 
 ther without losing their heads, they lost them and 
 were filled with hatred. And as Mr. Ely never 
 made any reference either to Government or Oppo- 
 sition his speeches* were reported in the newspapers 
 on both sides, and aroused the greatest interest 
 through the country. The well-to-do found break- 
 fast insipid without his utterances, and, to support 
 him, they subscribed largely to the funds of the or- 
 ganisation which promoted his efforts. His salary 
 was raised to two pounds a week on the day when a 
 Conservative organ published his portrait and a 
 leading article on the golden sincerity of the Work- 
 ing Classes.
 
 176 WINDMILLS 
 
 XII: MAKING A STIRABOUT 
 
 WHERE other orators damned everything from sew- 
 ing cotton to battleships, and so could not avoid 
 giving offence, Mr. Ely damned only Jah and hurt 
 nobody's feelings. But he produced an effect. He 
 laid every grievance at Jah's door, and roused so 
 much enthusiasm that at last he began to believe in 
 his power. 
 
 It is not often that the people find a leader, and 
 when they do they expect him to lead. They were 
 impatient for Mr. Bly to reveal to them a line of ac- 
 tion, and here he was puzzled. It was one thing 
 (he found) to talk about Jah, another to bring Jah 
 to book. He had no other machinery than that of 
 the Labour Agitators, who had been making elabo- 
 rate preparations for a strike. Their preparations 
 were excellent, but their followers were reluctant. 
 They could provide them with no adequate motive. 
 In vain did they talk of the dawn of Labour, the 
 Rights of the Worker, and a Place in the Sun; to all 
 these the people preferred the prospect of pay on 
 Saturday. Nothing could stir them, until, at last, 
 at one of Mr. Ely's meetings when he was being 
 hailed as a leader and implored to lead, and at his 
 wit's end what to do, upon a whisper from behind, 
 he said:
 
 OUTOFWORK 177 
 
 " Strike ! Strike against Jah ! You are work- 
 ers! Why do you work? To feed your children. 
 Your children die. Strike, I say, strike while the 
 iron is hot, the iron that has entered into your souls 
 from the cruel tyranny of Jah ! There is no other 
 enemy. You have no other foe. . . ." 
 
 He did not need to say more. The fat was in the 
 fire. 
 
 XIII. SPARKS FLYING 
 
 THE fat crackled and sputtered. In thirty-six 
 hours the business of the town was at a standstill, 
 and by that time Mr. Ely had visited three other 
 towns, and they too succumbed to his passion. At 
 every town he visited he was welcomed with brass 
 bands and red carpets, and his orders were obeyed. 
 The Labour Agitators of the neighbouring countries 
 desired his services and cabled for him, and he prom- 
 ised to go as soon as Jah was driven out of Fatland. 
 
 The; strikes were begun in feasting and merry- 
 making, and things were done that delighted Mr. 
 Nicodemus and the widow Martin's heart: 
 
 " The men are becoming quite themselves again." 
 
 And Mr. Nicodemus gazed upon it all and sighed : 
 
 11 Ah ! If only Hell were open ! " 
 
 The widow Martin gazed upon him voluptuously 
 and muttered:
 
 178 WINDMILLS 
 
 " It would be just 'Eaven to keep that public 
 you're always talking about for ever and ever with 
 you." 
 
 XIV: SMOULDERING 
 
 
 THE strikers soon came to grips with want and the 
 very poor were brought to starvation. Only the 
 more fiercely for that did their passion glow. They 
 forgot all about Mr. Ely and Jah: they were only 
 determined not to give in. They knew not where- 
 fore they were fighting, and were savagely resolved 
 not to return to their old ways without some pal- 
 pable change. Forces and emotions had been 
 stirred which led them to look for a miracle, and 
 without the miracle they preferred to die. The 
 miracle did not come and many of them died. 
 
 XV: SUCCOUR 
 
 WITH a moderate but assured income the Fattish 
 are humane, that is to say, they grope like shadows 
 through life and shun the impenetrable shadow of 
 death. They shuddered to think of the very poor 
 dying with their eyes gazing forward for the miracle 
 that never came, and they said:
 
 OUTOFWORK 179 
 
 " To think of their finding no miracle but death! 
 It is too horrible. Can such things be in Fatland? 
 Why don't we do something? " 
 
 So they formed committees and wrote to the 
 newspapers and started various funds; and they in- 
 vited Mr. Ely to lecture in aid of them. 
 
 He came to Bondon, lectured, and became the 
 fashion. He discovered to his amazement that 
 there were rich people in Fatland, and these rich 
 people formed Anti-Jah societies. Enormous sums 
 of money were collected for the strikers, because 
 the rich were so delighted to be amused. Mr. Ely 
 amused them enormously. Mr. Nicodemus gave a 
 course of lectures on the Kingdom from which Jah 
 had deposed him, and Mrs. Martin held meetings for 
 women only, to expound her views of men. For 
 years the rich people had not been so vastly enter- 
 tained, and they poured out money for the strikers. 
 
 Unfortunately their subscriptions could buy little 
 else for the very poor but coffins, and of them the 
 supply soon came to an end. 
 
 Famine and pestilence stalked abroad, but only 
 the more fiercely did Mr. Ely urge the destruction 
 of Jah, and the more blindly and desperately did the 
 starving poor of Fatland look for the miracle. 
 
 But soon not only were the poor starving, but the 
 comfortable, the tradespeople, the professional 
 classes, the humane persons with moderate but as-
 
 l8o WINDMILLS 
 
 sured incomes were faced with want. Rats were 
 now five shillings a brace, and a nest of baby mice 
 was known to fetch four shillings. 
 
 When the rich found their meals were costing 
 them more than a pound a head then they forgot 
 their craze and Mr. Bly, and Mr. Nicodemus and 
 the widow Martin withdrew from Bondon. Mr. 
 Bly was no longer reported in the newspapers. His 
 name had become offensive, the bloom had gone 
 from his novelty, the varnish from his reputation, 
 and the sting out of his power. 
 
 In all the towns gaunt spectre-like men began to 
 sneak back to work, and Mr. Bly was nigh frenzied 
 with rage, disgust and despair. 
 
 " It is Jah ! " he said. " It is Jah. He has crept 
 into the hearts of men. He has stirred their minds 
 against me. Oh! my grief. He has used me to 
 bring men lower yet, so that they will live in viler 
 dwellings, and eat of fouler food, and be more 
 meanly clad, more verminous than ever. The 
 women will be lower sluts and shrews than they have 
 ever been, and of their children it will be hard to 
 see how they can ever grow into men and women. 
 Deeper and deeper into the pit has Jah brought us, 
 and there is now no hope." 
 
 And in his agony he remembered how in his child- 
 hood he had been taught to pray to Jah, and he 
 knelt and prayed that he might come face to face
 
 OUT OF WORK l8l 
 
 with Jah, to tell Him what He had done, and to im- 
 plore Him to make an end of His cruelty and to de- 
 stroy all at once. 
 
 Hearing him pray Mr. Nicodemus fled from his 
 side and left him alone with the Widow Martin. 
 Said she: 
 
 " Don't take on so, dearie. A man's no call to 
 take on so when he has a woman by his side. 
 There's nothing else in the nature of things, but men 
 and women only. If we starve, we starve: and if 
 we die, we die, it's all one. Have done, I say, 
 there's always room for a bit o' fun." 
 
 " Fun! "cried Mr. Ely. 
 
 And the comfortable creature took his head to 
 her bosom, and there he sobbed out his grief. 
 
 XVI: ON THE ROAD 
 
 So the strike ended, and Nicholas Ely walked from 
 town to town marking its effects. It was as he had 
 foreseen, and men were lower than before, and 
 every night he prayed that he might meet Jah to 
 curse Him to His face. For days on end he would 
 utter never a word, but the widow Martin stayed 
 with him and saw that he ate and drank, stealing, 
 begging, wheedling, selling herself to get him food. 
 She would say:
 
 1 82 WINDMILLS 
 
 " It's not like Mr. Nicodemus. There's very 
 little fun in him, but a woman doesn't care for fun 
 when she's sorry for a man." 
 
 He was a grim sight now, was Nicholas Ely. His 
 ragged clothes hung and flapped on him as: on a 
 scarecrow. His cheeks were sunken and patched 
 with a dirty grey stubble. His eyes glared fever- 
 ishly out of red sockets, and they seemed to see 
 nothing but to be asking for a sight of something. 
 There was a sort of film on them, but the light in the 
 man shone through it. His shoulders were bowed 
 and his thin arms hung limply by his side, but always 
 his face was upturned, and he shook as he walked, 
 like a flame. 
 
 The malady in him drove him to the heights. 
 His desire was to be near the sky. Presently he 
 forsook the towns and went from one range of hills 
 to another seeking the highest in Fatland. 
 
 At last after many days he reached the highest 
 hill, and there he lay flat on his face and would 
 neither eat nor drink. By his side sat the widow 
 Martin, and she made certain that he was going to 
 die, and produced two pennies to lay upon his eye- 
 lids when death should come. 
 
 On the third day he turned over on his back and 
 said: 
 
 " Jah is coming." 
 
 And it was so.
 
 OUT OF WORK 183 
 
 Up the steep path came a man with a great beard 
 and a huge nose and eyes that twinkled with the 
 light of merriment and shone with the tenderness of 
 irony, and blazed with the fire of genius. By his 
 side walked a slim dark figure, and with a joyful cry 
 the widow Martin declared it to be Mr. Nicodemus. 
 
 Nicholas Ely sat up and began to rehearse all the 
 curses that in his bitterness he had prepared. 
 
 XVII: JAH 
 
 HE began : 
 
 " By the dead bodies of the children of men; by 
 the plagues and diseases of the bodies of women; 
 by the festering " 
 
 Very quietly Jah took His seat by his side and mo- 
 tioned to Mr. Nicodemus to take up his position in 
 front of them. In a voice of the most musical 
 sweetness and with a rich full diction He said: 
 
 " As we made the ascent I was expostulating with 
 my friend here for the absurdity of his attempt to 
 reinstate himself in the world. There is no Hell. 
 Neither is there a Heaven. These places live by 
 faith as we have done. It is a little difficult for us 
 to understand, but we have no occasion for resent- 
 ment. Separately it is impossible for us to under- 
 stand. My meeting with my dark friend here led
 
 184 WINDMILLS 
 
 me a little way on the road towards a solution. The 
 four of us may arrive at something." 
 The widow Martin scanned Jah closely: 
 " You've been a fine man in your time." 
 " I have never been a man," replied Jah sadly. 
 " Nor have I been able to play my part in human af- 
 fairs. Like my friend here I have been an exile. I 
 have been forced to dwell in the mists of supersti- 
 tion, even as he has been confined in the dark depths 
 of lust. Until now I never understood our inter- 
 dependence. I am the imagination of man. He is 
 man's passion. Together we can bring about the 
 release of love in his soul. Separately we can do 
 nothing to break his folly, his stupidity, his brutality, 
 his vain selfishness. Without us he can be inquisi- 
 tive and clever, vigorous and energetic, but he re- 
 mains insensible, unjust, cruel and cowardly." 
 
 And Nicholas BIy roused himself and he seemed 
 to grow, and the film fell from his eyes and he cried : 
 " Blessed be Jah, blessed be Nicodemus, blessed 
 be man and the heart of man, blessed be woman 
 and the love of woman, blessed be life, blessed be 
 death!" 
 
 So saying he rose to his feet. Before his face the 
 sun was sinking in the evening glory : behind him the 
 moon rose.
 
 OUT OF WORK 185 
 
 XVIII: JAH SPEAKS 
 
 A GREAT wind blew through Nicholas Ely's hair and 
 he bowed his head in acceptance of the wonder of 
 the universe. 
 
 As the moon rose to her zenith Jah said: 
 " There are Wonders beyond me and God is be- 
 yond imagination. My dwelling is in the mind of 
 men, but I have been driven therefrdm. My friend 
 here should dwell in the heart of man, but he has 
 been unseated. Together we should win for man his 
 due share of the world's dominion and power, and 
 should be his sweetest stops in the instrument of life. 
 For without us is no joy, and with us joy is fierce. 
 I speak of the woman also, for she is the equal of 
 man and his comrade." 
 
 And as the moon was sinking to the west Jah said : 
 " We have suffered too long, and we have brought 
 forth nothing. Let us no longer be separate, but 
 let us, man, woman, God and Devil, join together to 
 bring forth joy, for until there is joy on earth there 
 shall not be justice, nor kindness, nor understanding, 
 nor any good thing. We are but one spirit, for the 
 spirit is one, and none but the undivided spirit can 
 see the light of the sun." 
 
 Even as he spoke the sun came up in his majesty, 
 dwarfing the mighty hills, and Nicholas Ely raised
 
 186 WINDMILLS 
 
 his head and saw Nicodemus in the likeness of a lusty 
 young man, fine and splendid in his desire, and Jah 
 in the shape of a winged boy. And as he saw them 
 they disappeared, and he said: 
 
 " They have vanished into the air." 
 From the scarred hillside came an echo : 
 " Into the air." 
 
 XIX: SONG 
 
 THEN did Nicholas Ely sing: 
 
 " I have lived, I have loved, I have died, 
 
 And my spirit has burned like a flame; 
 In the furnace of life my soul has been tried, I 
 I have dwindled to ashes of shame. 
 
 I have glowed to the winds of my own desire, 
 I have flickered and flared and roared, 
 
 Through the endless night has flashed my delight 
 To declare my joy in the Lord. 
 
 For the Lord is life and I am His, 
 
 And His are my shame and my pride. 
 
 My song is His : my Lord sings this : 
 I have lived, I have loved, I have died."
 
 OUTOFWORK 187 
 
 XX: MORNING 
 
 WAKING, the woman said : 
 
 " How is it with you, my man? " 
 
 He answered: 
 
 " I feel truly that I am a man." 
 
 Gazing upon the woman, he saw that she was 
 beautiful. 
 
 XXI: HOPE 
 
 THEY came down from the hills, and a mist de- 
 scended upon them, and presently a driving rain. 
 They were glad of each other, and smiled their joy 
 upon all whom they met. Nicholas Ely never 
 ceased to make songs, and as he sang the woman 
 laughed merrily. The songs he made he sang to 
 many men, but none would listen except the drunken 
 man in the public-houses. 
 
 One day a very drunken man asked Nicholas Ely 
 to sing a song again, and he refused, because he 
 wished to sing a better song. The man offered him 
 a mug of beer to sing again, but he refused, saying: 
 
 " I do not sing for hire." 
 
 The man despised him and drank the beer him- 
 self, saying:
 
 l88 WINDMILLS 
 
 " It's a silly kind of sod will sing for nothing." 
 
 And he would hear no more. 
 
 So it was everywhere. None could understand 
 that Nicholas Ely should sing for the delight of it or 
 that there could be a joy to set him singing. In the 
 end, and that soon, his heart broke and he died, and 
 Fatland is as it is. 
 
 Mr. Nicodemus and Jah were never seen again, 
 nor in Fatland is there trace or memory of them. 
 
 But within the womb of the woman was the child 
 of her man, so that she gazed in upon herself with 
 a great hope. In this she was so absorbed that the 
 insensibility of the Fattish moved her not at all and 
 she forgot to apply for her maternity benefit. 
 
 THE END OF 
 WINDMILLS
 
 ,.li SiPJi REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY 
 
 A 000 047 561 6