Ai Ai = £ — ■ <_ === 30 ,.-, 1 r-1 8 — :: ^ 8 ^=^=^ CD 9 5 - 3 GIFT OF 01-- -f^ of 1S97 WUF. FIBTION UoT fo3 USE CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK By Dr. T. P. Bartlett ?e^> Drawings by the Author J. de Menezes & Sons Oakland, Calif. 1921 • ::';••• Cppyrighted 1921 By Dr. T. P. Bartlett PREFACE "Confessions of a Quack" is not, as some may infer, an attempt to ridicule and belittle medical men. Tha author is a practicing physician, loves his profession, and numbers many doctors as his most esteemed and respected friends. Th-e book is an effort of the writer to prove that we are living under a wrong system that owing to its innate dishonesty necessarily breeds the charla- tan. One does not need to be long from the paternal roof to learn the ways of the great outside world. Ajid one is not far from home when one loses many illusions. Ideals are soon shattered. Many people ire brutally frank and seemingly take a keen de- light in pullin'g the wool from your eyes. But when we think of the facte they tell us we feel as though they have done us a great service. Sooner or later we must find ot that life is something quiU different from what we had been taught. We are doomed inevitably an invariably to discover that society is not as perfect as we had been told and we are confronted with the unpleasant truth that the wicked often prosper while the good frequent- ly suffer. f 854906 11 PREFACE Ralston and Clayton are types common enough in these times when honesty is only too often call- ed old fashionel and scoffed at; when men wor- ship mammon and place the dollar above every- thing else in this world. They are quacks, not from choice, but rather from compulsion. Begin- ning their professional career with ideals for direc- tion and guidanae they soon learned that a too faithful adherence to ethics was keeping them at the bottom of the ladder while there was plenty of room on top. So both of them began mental house cleaning. They got rid of the cobwebs of obsolete and long ago beliefs and after this renovation set up business at the old stand in conformity to mod- ern ideas as to what the measure of man's success is, judged by the very latest standards. Were they right or wrong? Were they justified in do- ing what they did? Were they the victims of a system corrupt to the very core, shattered and tottering and ready to fall in a mighty crash ? The reader must answer these questions. To the man, woman, girl or boy who peruses this book is left the task. The experieince of none of us is so narrow that we have not witnessed cases of moral deterioration similar to that of Ralston and Clayton. How are w« to explain it ? Is it a trick of atavism ? I think not. I have little faith in that theory. There is a reason for it — a cause that explains with unanswer- able logic why the dark shadow of dishonesty hov- ers over the world. But I wish you to arrive at that conclusion by inference. I had that thought in mind when I sat down and wrote "Confessions of a Quack". Dr. T. P. Bartlett, 917 Grove Street, Oakland. Fort J ytars ©Id and a failuror! (Page 7) CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 1 > 3 i Forty years old and a failure ! I arrived at that conelufiion by a slow and tefdious process of seilf- analysis. My achi-evements in the profession of my choice were the simplest. I had never been call- ed in consultation at a rich and influential home. I had never done a capital operation. My practice was largely among a class that knew no more about honesty than a pickpocket; who were ingrates and justified their behaviour on the ground that I lacked skill. But while these poor specimen of fallen man caused mel many a heartache and forced me on in- numierable oooasions to frequent the Pawn Shop, they rendered me a unique and wonderful service. They opened my eyes to a full seeing capacity of all that was transpiring about me. They did more than this. They made me painfully conscious that there was something radically wrong in the system under which men lived. And it occured to me that the quickest and safest way to arrive at that know- ledge was by beicoming an imjposter. So, strangling the many conscientious^ scruples that stood in the way, I cast aside the ideas I had since a boy, and became a quack. No one knows what it cost me to do that. Being a charlatan had never appealed to me as someH;hing to be proud of. But I early learned that it was both pleasant and profitable. And when I sit down quietly by myself and think it over, I have to smile at my former scruples. My financial condition when I decided to take the step that brought a wonderful een twenty years in the g:ame. What have we to show for it'^ Plenty of debts, that's about all. Touching elbows with us are men who aare successful and because they early saw in their pro- fession! career that to adhere to the principles we follow spells J^ailure. Today marks the beginning of a change in my life. I'm goung to do like thei rest of them. I'm not gointgt to have scruples of any kind. I'm after the coin and I want you to help me to get it". "Me!" "Yes, you". "How can I help youT" "By heeing my accomplice, my conf ederate ". ' ' I never did 'thin|gi. It gave me new and dif- ferent ideas on all subjects. I was beginning to lose a good deal of my pessimism. The optimism I had when a boy was coming back to mei. As T glanced at my reflection in the mirror I imagined that I looked younger. And people everywhere congratulated me on my improved appearance. I noticed, too, that many went out oif their way to mieet me, and I was receiving smiles and nods from men and w^omen who formerly didn't think it worth while to notice me. All of whioh made me believe we are living in a strange world where no- body looks beyond appearances and that worldly prosperity commands respeict and good will of men. But what a fraud 1 was ! If they only knew me, what would tbiey think and say ! Here I was pos- ing as an ethical doctor and passing as an accom- plished physician and skillful surgeon, when, as a matter of fact, I wias a quack, an imposter, a charlatan and fakir. And the only reason I "got by" and the countrefeit wasnt't discovered was because I dressed ■wiell. had unlimited gall and could give Ananias points in an art that in modem 43 44 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK society is considered quite a necessary accomplish- ment. How long would I keep on acting? That was the question I found myself asking. I might be discovered and exposed. It might happen any time. It could occur soon. Perhaps by beiinu- c-.trct'nl a year or two would elapse l>efare people would find me out. By keeiping within the law I could carry on my business unmolested. Blit the ghost of fear began to haunt me. People will talk. It is human nature to do so. No man can count on having everyone his frieind. So I, like the rest of man- kind, had enemies. In common with them I learn- ed that there were people "knocking" me. It was just as I expected. Jealousy and selfishness under- llied it. The doctors were watching me. My sud- den prosperity and success surprised them. All kinds of rumors were afloat. Some said I had been left a legacy; others declared I had married a rich widow, and for reasons best known to myself, was witholdinig. the lady's name from the public. It amused me greetly to hear what was being said. I contrived to keep out of the doctors way as much as possible. They nevier had much love for me, anyway. I didn't join the Medical Society and held myself aloof from all of them. I was about as popular with them as a skunk is in the chick- en coop. Theiy had no use for me because I was poor and didn't get on. But there's an old saying that every dog has his day, and I sure was having mine. Patients begian to come by the hundreds. I couldn't answer half the calls I had. Those that looked doubtful I sent to Ralston. He was greedy and would run anywhere if thetre was a chance of getting a dollar. For all my "Flu" cases I pre- scribed calomel and quinine. Over and over again I wrote pescriptions for thesei two useful drugs. I became sick and tireld of doing so and it was not easy for me to keep from smiiling as oti'? of my OONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 45 paticaits would drop in to see me, plank down two dollars and ask for a preventive agiainst the" Fiu". 1 would take my blank out of my pocket and as fast as my taigers would go 1 'd write down the mild chloride of mercury and good old sulphate of qui- nine. Of course, occasionally I'd order aspirin tab- lets, but dt wasn't velry often. When the epidemic was over I had a big pile of currency and a sack of silver to show for my troub- le. I had good luck with all my cases whicih in- creased my reputation and strenghtened the peo- ple's belief in my possiession of knowledge and skill. I oould now play thet role of quack in a bolder and more defiant way. By this time I had acquired a brisk manner that inclined most o(f people to leave me alone. I assumed an aloofness that was wholly unnatural to mie. I was a Demo- crat by nature. 1 hadn't a particle of use for aristocracy and despised those who mimicked its ways and adopted its airs. Yet hare was I practic- ing what I didn't preach, doing things I believed in not doing and making as big a fool of myself generally as is possible for a human bein intoxicat- ed with success to do. And it all came from me beinigi a quack. It was the natural sequence and logical outcome of it. One day, shortly after Ralston and I cleaned up the five hundred for setrvices as related, rendered the daughter of a wealthy Jew. a lady stylishly dressed came into my office. At first glance she seemed not unlike the many other patients who eon- suited me. But a little closer scrutiny on my part revealed the fact that she was wholly different from any of themi. She had the subdued air of a woman whose spirit was broken and who had known a close acquaintance with grief and sorrow. Despite this she was decidedly pretty. She spoke with for- ■eign accent in a low sweet voice. I'll remember it always. I could easily distinguish it anywhere. 46 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK And right now, as 1 sit here writing these " Con- fessions " 1 hear it. 1 imagine such a voice is given to one in a miiiion. 1 couid listen to it forever. 'Doctor, I Avant yon to coine and see my son. Something is the matter with him. What it is I don't know. But I'm nearly distracted because of it. Can you come right away ? ' ' ' ' I can go this very instant, right with you if you don't mind", 1 replied. 1 escorted the little woman down the stairway and out into the stretet. Not for a moment did i foijgiet 1 was a qiuack. This woman and her sick son had only one interest for me, namely, to de- ceivie, and fool them and turn their fears to my own pecuniary advantage. 1 experifciice no shame in admitting it. I was callous and hardened. I had lost the last vestige of honor. 1 was an unscrupulous, uupriucipied char- latan. As wei walked along there was one thought in my mind and that was |how I might get an ample fee for the services I was to render. So I began adroitly enough by asking a few questions that would give me an insigjit into my newly ac- quainted patient's finances. "I suppose* your husband is in business?" I asked. "I have no husband. I am a widow." "Your sick son is your support I presume." "Gracious, no. I am quite* beyond the need of assistance from anyone." "I see. Well to do. How fortunate! It is nice to be in comfortable circumstances." "It is to say thet least very convenient." "Quite so." I lapsed into a thoughtful silence. I wished to know no more. I could charge a big fee but would I get it ? I would on one condition only. If I were clever eniough to scarel her and make it alppear CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 47 that 1 had cured her son i kuew she- would pay me whatever 1 asked. •'How long has your son been ill?" I asked, hop- ing she would teii me everything, so that i could play thti game of imposter without tear of ex- posure. •"Since yesterday." "Confined to is bed?" ' ' Yes. ' ' "Any fever?" ' ' Yes. His temperature is very high, ' ' "Headache and backache as well?" "Yes. He complains most of that." "My good woman, iie has symptoms of the Plague." She reeled and would have fallen if I hadn't caught her in my arms. I chuckled as I thought of it. How clevier I was ! How thorough my know- ledge of human nature ! How tactful and diplomat- ic for me to say that ! Those few words of mine had called into beingi a legion demons of fear. This little woman with the sweet musical voice and subdued air was iii a frame oi mind to believe any- thing. The absurd and incredible were things quite alike. She had lost all power of distinction. Her selnse of logic and the sequence of cause and effect meant nothing to her now. "But I can cure him," I shouted, shaking her. "Cure him! Of course you can. That's why I am bringing you to him", she added diying her eyes. "My charges will be somewhat high," experience taught me it was always well to say this. "I don't care what they arei. My son is more to me than all the money in the world." "That's the way for a real mother to think and feel. I suppose he has been a dutiful son." "A joy and comfort to me. The thought of los- ing him is breaking my heart." 48 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK She began to we«p bitterly. "Come don't cry," I said patting her on the back. "I'll soon have him up and well." She stopped crying and looked up. Before us was a beautiful home with a fine garden shade trees and an abundance of flowers. "This is where I live. Come in." I heard the heavy iron gate creak on its hingrea and with a jaunty air and buoyant manner 1 tiptoed over the graveled pathway that led to her door. Surely some benigm goddess was presiding over my affairs. I don't imagine another human being had such a streak of good luck in thii world. In th-e space of few days I had gecured in rapid suc- cession three important cases that replenished my deple/ted purse and gave me prestigte and pro- fessional renown. I found my patient resting on a sofa in the par- lor. He was a handsomie youth of twenty and one hasty glance told me the boy was suffering from a heavy cold. But I was a quack. I wasn't born one, but had become so by choica. So the only thing! for mei to do was to lie. And I did so as fast as I could. I felt it was my duty to do that. There was a nice big fee at stake and the gettinj^ of it all de{)ended upon my ability to speak un- truths "Madam I'm sorry to say he has the pneumonic plague," I said. ' ' The plague ! ' ' she ^gasped. "But it is not necessarily fatal. You've called me in early. There 's a great deal in that you know. We can cut short the disease. But I must have a consultant. The case is too serious for me to handle alone." The boy turned and gave me a look. I'll never forget that .glance as long as I Hve. It said more in the way of reproach than all the wcrds he might utter. Scorn and contempt were in it and all the CONFESSIONS OP A QUACK 49 kate of fraud that was in his young heart. H* knew I was lying. He Teoo-gnizeid me ag an im- poster and when he got well I could count on him as an open enemy. Suddenly fear came over me. Perhaps I would meet my Waterloo in this smooth faced boy, whose mother's love and fear I had taken advantage of to lie and steal. For the first timei I became aware that there were people in the world who could detect the mask of hypocrisy I wore and some of them were very young. "May I use your telephone," I asked. ''Certainly. It is right in the hallway," she replied. This bit of information caused a tremor to pass over me. The thought flashed through my mind that the moment I left the room that boy would •onfide his suspicion in his mother. There vrtm only one chance in a thousand that he wouldn't. If he did I would know it the moment I entered the parlor. It now occurred to me that I should not have asked for a consultant. In doing so I had blundered, made a grave mistake. But it was too late to rectify it. I must make the best of a bad situation. With a look of defiance on my face I walked out of the room and soon found myself conversing with Dr. Ralston. He regarded my predicament from a humorous standpoint. My embarrassing position with my reputation as a gientleman of honor at stake, ap- peared to him in the nature of a joka. It might be funny to him but it was a mighty serious piece of business for me. He promised to ©ome at once. I knew that it wasn't that he felt sorry for me or cared a rap if I were found out. But it was greed that urged him to make haste and in the shortest possible^ time to be at my side. He was thinking of the foe and not of me. My compromising stand didn't Interest or worry him in the least. 50 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK "Dr. Ralston will be berei directly and we can both make a thorougii examination and arrive at an accurate diagnosis," I said as I entered. I was careful to avoid the boy's gaze but somehow or other I contrived to discover that his eyes were boring' into me. Their light was burning into my very soul. They were accusing me, blaming me foT what I was. They were doing m.ore than this. They wera appealing to me to reform. If Ralston would only come! What wouldn't I give to have the consultation over! I never felt so ill at ease and uncomfortable in all my life. The short time I had to wait seemed an eternity. Alas, all that I lanticipated happened! The boy's mother assumed immediately an attitude of indif- ferences to me. Her manner was chilling. She showed little disposition to carry on a conversation and naturally I felt awkward and embarrassed. In the midst of my perplexity the door bell rang. I sighed with relief. My suffering would soon be over. Dr. Ralston came in smiling. He shook my hand -warmly and bowed politely to the boy's mother. "Dr. Ralston, we have another case of pneumon- ic plague. It is very typical. The symptoms are quite characteristic. Is there anything you can suggest 1 ' ' "Nothinigi more than you have already done." "Neither of you have done anything at all," pro- tested the angry boy. "Sat around and talked," corrected his mother. Her voice which had held me spellbound with its musical cadence was now harsh and strident. She was incensed to the very core. She was boil- ing over with wrath and indignation. Ralston and I saw that a storm wa.s about to break. "Clear out of here. You're a pair of quacks," Khe shouted, making for us. We beat a haste retreat, fongetting to ask for CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 51 our fee, glad to escape the tlcws we so justly deserved. XII "Sttrngi!" exclaimed Ralston when we* reached the street. j ! ' "Good and hard and early in the game," I Implied. "We ran u^) against two we couldn't fool. "We'll irieet more of them before we're through." "We'll have to be' mKxre careful the next time." "That's what I say." "Won't it be awful if this gets outf" said Ral- ■ton. "The worst thing that could ever happen. And it all comes from not being careful. I mi^ht have' known these two wei*e not fools. Just think of the fee I lost. Why didn't I use better judge- ment in what I said and did?" "Why didn't you! I think I can answer you. Ton were in too much haste. It was the thought of the fee that upset you. You saw five hundred in easy reaoh and lost your head." "I iguess that explains why I acted as i did. But I learned a good deal that will come in handy in our next case. YouVe got to study your pat- ients well. You can't handle intelligent people «s you do ignorant ones. They won't swallow all you say. You've got to hand them something plausible. The pills you givie have to be more than sugar coated." "Well said. The comparison is a good one," •aid Ralston. Suddenly a great n>inkiusr about the patient- My mind went back to the time I had an office on Fourth Street, San Francisco. I remember how he used to come to me with r.ll his troubles and ask my opinion and advice. I had a distinct impression that he was a nice like- able boy in those days, although a little wild and way- ward. But I felt that T was goinor to have trouble with him- He would be hard to manage and when I tried my usual quackish tactics on him as T did on all my other patients, I would get the worst of it. The first thing I did on reiaching my office was to ring up Ralston. I can't recall all I said to him or use in these "Confessions" the languagie T saw fit and proper to adopt as my natural vernacular the day T called my colleague on the phone. I'm afraid if I did so T might be accused of praying to the Lord in rathe.r picturesque phrases. Of course, as I expected Ralston pleladed excuses. There were reasons which for delicate causes he could not give why he had not sent for me as a consultant- He was profuse in apologies and pro- testations of innocence and promised to behave more like a true and loyal quack in the future. There was only one thingr to do and that was to forgive him, which T did with all mv heart. "I'm not sorry I got discharged. I'm glad of CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 63 it. I'm no prophet but I feel safe in saying you are going to have trouble there. Your man yill be hard to handle. I'vf/ seen hiis kind before. None of hi^ likes for m©. Take my advice^ and re- tire from the case, before your name is erased from the pay roll." To my subsequent sorrow I found out Ralston was right. That one case caused me more humil- iation than all the others T had in my whole career. And it did more than this. It brougt down on me not only the wrath of the patient's entire family but the maledictions of the doctors who for the first time denounced me openly and proclaimed me a quack- I would gladly give back the moi.ey T had extorted from credulous women and men if I could go back to the day I made the fatal blunder of taking this case. It seems the one blot of dis- grace I cannot erase. And when I think of it, instead of becoming as all my other mistakes, less distinct with the passing of time, it appears a luminous spot in my conscionsnei^s that eve^' condemns; nnd n tanis^iblf^. permanent re',lit\- llT^t always upbraids. But whether we be ruacks o.^ true men we all aquire wisdom in pretty much the samjft way. Its leissons are learned at a price wo think dear. But in the end when all is said and done we see that eix/perience brings us n wealth of knowledfre of life and men. XV The next momiiiiEf after breakfast I went down to see my new patient. Hig mother let ma in and 1 could see by her manneir something had gone wriong. As I entered the sick room he greeted me coldly. Really I would have felt better if he hadn't said anything at all. He was surly, insolent and in the mood to fight. I was in no condition to "scrap-" Besides neither mental or physical pugilism had any appeal for m«. "You're a nice one," he blurted out. "Why what's wrong?" I asked quiet innocently. "What's wrong?" he shouted. "The medicine Tou gave me. That's what's wroujg." "What seems to be thet mater with itt" I asked hoping to pacify him. "Sweet as treacle. That's what'i the mattelr with it," he snarled. "Oh! Is that all? I can chmm that all right." Immediately I thought of what I had done. I had put ton much saccharine in it, I took out my writ- incr pnd and quickly scribbled off another R. "There that will be morel pleasant to take," T said as I gave it to him. He cast it rudely aside. "If it doesn't take effect there'll be trouble between you and me." "See heire, young man, if you talk that way to me you'll have to get another doctor," I said, MT own anger rising. "Ynn needn't get huffy- I can get huffy too," he retorted. "I'm not huffy, but I don't like being dictated to by you. Now be sensible, reason a moment with me. You are n, very sick boy. You'll admit that. The fact that you are lying in bed, hav« Fweats and fever, proves it- It's up to me to get «4 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 65 you well. I can do it too, if you will only give me a chance. But if you oppose and contradict m« there's only one thing for me to do, namely, to let you gK> to a better world." "Satisfied to stay in this world a while," ho said. This r(iply told me my words had the desired eiSfect- He wanted to live. He was anxious to igjet well and his mother and wife shared has wishee. As the day went by he seemed to gett some^- what better. His condition had improved to such an extent that his sister got married and the house was full of friends. This would have been most fortunate if his case had ended as I thought it would. But Fate had decreed that everything should happen contrary to my wishes. The fever and sweats continued- Suddenly it dawned upon me that the petulant, peevish boy who had tried my patience as no other patient, had florid phthisis or quick consumption. The thought had come to me like a flash of inspiration and it was now conviction. But how could I teill him? True, I was only a iqiuack. But charlatan that I was, T still had feelings. I had belen lying so long that it came quite natural for me to speak untruths. But when I thought of his sister just married and the gloom this would caiLse her, I resolved to be true for once to my calling. I would be a merciful quack and spare her. Six months later he fell asleep and I got the blame for it. But why should I care. I was a quack. A pretender to medical skill that I did not possess- XVI News of the mistake! I had made spread fast. It was suprismg how quickly it traveled. In less than a fortnight the whole town had heard of it. 1 was abused, and condemned. Former friends who had given me the glad hand, avoided me. For a while it looked as though I had met my Waterloo. Patients dix)pped off and it seemed as though RaU ston and myself would soon be reduced to our old level. Both of us were nearly frantic with fear. Neither of us knew just what to do to reoaveir our former standing. And it incensed me beyond the power of words to tell when I thought I had brought all this trouble on myself because I had I)ity and goodnesse of heart. I discovered when it was too late that to play the role of quack one had to be heartless. It would never do to be merciful- Compassion led swiftly to one's un- doing). """ We now began to think of a new way of de- ceiving a gullible public. Our minds naturally drifted to Mrs. Grayson, the kindly woman wlio Uveld out on Lake View Terrace and who had given us a boost and start. No matter what people might say we could count on her being steadfast and loyal. We would have to einlist her services. She would rally to our defense. We would teU her of thqf wonderful o|)eration we had done on her and once more we would climb the ladder of success and bask in the sunshine of popular favor. It seemed a pleasant and easy avenue of escape firom all the obloquy that had been heaped on us. We both felt it was our only way out of dificulty, so we decided to call upon her. We beliefved that she would be delighted to see us- But when we thoiijgiht of what we\ had to tell her our courage failed us. What a disappointment it would be 66 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 67 to her! Besides she had already done so much for us we had no right to expect her to do anything mora It was possible too she had placed credence in the rumors afloat. When we thought of that despair came over us. Our financial condition was deplorable. We bad lived extravagantly, travelled over the primrose path at night, squandered our money recklesbejy. vVe hatL been improvident to an extreme, giving little or no thought to the future and the possibility of want. Money had come, to u>s easily and it passed as readily from us. Now we saw our folly. And we both swore- that if we re- covered our lost prestige and got on our feet once more we would be more careful. Ralston who was somewhat superstitious attributed our tribulations to a just Providence that rawards the good and punishes tJie wicked. But I could not see it that way. To my way of thinking it was the natural se- qjuence and logical outcome of our own reckless- ness. It was un experience that had come to ub rich in many lessons. Perhaps if we hadn't re- ceived a temi^orary cheek and setback our methods of quackery might have gottetti us into serious en- tanglements with the local police. What we feared most was the Board of Medical Examiners. That august body had their eyes on us. They were watch- ing us from a close angle. In their employ were dectectivcB who traveled about in the guise of patients. They had laifl their traps for us but somehow Ralston and I managed to escape. We both seemed to possess the happy faculty of know- ing when human bloodhounds were on our trail. And as soon as we discovered we were being pur- sued we beat a hasty retreat and lay low. We could truthfully say that no blood was on our hands. What we had done was mostly within the law. We had never gone further in rascality than de- manding exorbitant fees, and tricking people into believing that we were wonderfully clever. XVII The next muruing I mci liaistou just as he wuij eomuig out of his house. Wic lu.d a brief coniercuce as to what was best to cio. We were Doth oi the same opinion. In Mrs. (afaysuu was the hope of us btcomiug once i.iore succefisiul chariataiiis. She was the tirst patient we had ever dectaved. She had been an "easy niark'". Shd uad allowed herself t-o be hoodwinked so easily that, Kalston and I laughid when we thought of it. Yet she was a woman of intelligence aua laanaged With consumate skill the vast estate her husband had left her. It looked as thoiugh Ralston and I exerted hypnotic power over her. She accepted all we said as absolute truth- Seemingly it never oecured to her to question our bragging and boast- ing. When we' had pronounced the simple papiioma that occupied a conspieiuus jcace "n lier neck and caused her no end of embarrassment and untold wor- ry a malignant growth, and used the word "cancer" in describing it, it had never occurred to her to consult another practitioner to v-Miiy our dia- gnosis. With the faith and c.'nfiddice of a child she bowed her head submih;:>ively to our superior knowledge and submitted to tlie knife. Yet this insigiiificant wart she might have reiaoved her- self with the aid of a ten cent caustic pencil. It is little wonder that we looked to her as being our saving angel. financial enibai'i-assment madt'. us belive that walking was an ideal exercis'O- So with an easy stride and anxious heart we "hiked" on to Lake View Tcirraee. Mrs. Grayson received us cordially. Apparently she was overjnyod with our coming. Of course she was suprLs^d and disappointed to liear tliat wc were not doui.u' well. Slh' svriinath- 68 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 69 ized with us- She wanied us not to let rebuff clJscoui:wge ois, and then she gave us a wonderful promise that raised the worry from our hearts and brought us new hope and enthusiasm. Since we had been so successful in curing her, why didn't we specialize on cancer? The* sug'- gestion seemed a good one. It struck both Ralston and myself as being so. The field was interesting with possibilities for research work and original discovery that no other branch of medicine afford- ed. "We might find a cure that Avould bring us undying fame and unlimited wealth. As Mrs- Grayson outlined the plan by which she hoped to re- plenish our finances and give! us greater prestige than heretofore we enjoyed, I kept my eyes on Ralstion. In all my life I have never seen so many different emotions pass over anyone's face at one time. He was certainly worth studying. Prom a psychological standpoint he was extremely in- teresting. "Gentlemen, follow my advice and ;giive up general practice- It is too hard. Specialize. This ds the age of speciality. Takel up the treatment and cure of cance'r, I myself am a living* testi- monial of your wonderful skill. What you have done for me you can do for others. But vou miLSt have a chance. You haven't had an opportunity or Ion? before now you would have been rich and famous. I'm getting old and I feial as though I'd like to do a littlei good in this world. So I'm go- ing to set both of you up in business. I'm going to open a sanitarium for you where all the patients in the country who have cancer may come and get cured." She paused and looked first at Ralston and then at me. "What a pity some one didn't take two clever men like you in hand yetars ago?" This was almost more than we could stand- 70 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK It was difficult for us to keep fpom laughing out- right. "But I've always siaid you can't keep real ability down. There's an old saying that every do.g| has his day, and I'm going to see that you have yourfe." "Mrs. Grayson we; don't deserve it- Beside the opening of a sanitarium would cost consider- able money," I said wishing to have her believe I was overwhelmed with her benevolence. "What do I care what it costs? I have plenty off money. I might as well spend some of it in doing a little good. ' ' "You are too kind. We can never retpay you for .all you have done." "I have simply obeyed my better instincts. I am happy for having don^e so." Mrs. Grayson described in detail the "Cancer Home" she proposed to build. It was to be a magnificent structure outclassing anything of the kind that had ever been thought of. Ralston and I were to live there. We were to take n© outside patients. Our efforts were to be confined to our speciality. And anything we would need in the way of equipment or apparatus Mrs. Grayson's purse would supply. Our star of prosperity had once more risen. Visions of wealth and popular esteem flitted across our melntal horizon. All our worry had fled. As far as we were concerned, debts and debtors had no existance for us. Enemies were vanquished. Detractors were silenced. The reputa- tion we had acquired through nobody's fault save our own, we would live down. This time a real op- portunity to become proficient presented itself. We had played the giime of quack and lost. Now wo would be ethical. We would recover the good nnme we had thrown away. We would icather to- CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 71 gether the broken fragments of a coijseience that had long guided us over the straight and narrow path. XVIIl There's a sayiug that it is hard ta teach an old dog new triclcs. Ralston and 1 iound out this was a truism. We had scarcely left Mrs. Grayson's than the fopce of fixed habits began to assert itst/lf. We discovered it is easy to make resolu- tions., quite another thing to keep them. Our ideals were rather short lived. Into our consciousness had come thoughts and plans by which we might "fleece" unsuspecting women and men. "Once a quack, always a qiuack", can bei laid down as an axiomatic truth. We were beyond conversion. Hard- ened sinners are not readily ibrought into the fold. We had been so long at the game of fraud and deception that it now became second nature. We couldn't do diffeirently if we tried. iSo we both gave up in despair. "Honestly, I feel ashamed to take a penny from that good woman," I said when we were outside. "You didn't think that way when you charged her five hundred dollars to remove a harmless wart from her neck," replied Ralston. "But I was a quiack then. I wasn't supposed to havei any feelings". "Yoii and I will always be quacks. We couldn't be anything else if we tried." "What's the use of us specializing in oauc43r then?" "What's the use? Therel's big money in it. That's what we want." "We've been after it (luite a while and have little enough to show." "That's our own fault. We played the game wrong." "It LS time we played in right. From now on I intend to do the proper thing. I'm going to bet on the square. Nothing crooked goes with me." 72 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 73 Ralston was watching' me closely, a grin on his face. He was disgusted with the cant I was speak- ing. He knew I didn't mean a word I said. He had been as close to me as it is possible for one hu- man being to another. He knetw my weakness and my good points as well. He was aware that I was fickle and vacillating when the question was one of selecting the good. But I belived if T had not taken the down hill grade I would still be upright. And I knew he thought that I and he as well werie headed for perdition. Mrs. Grayson's "Cancer Home" instead of re- forming us would lead us further into the ndre, than all the cases we had treated while in general practice. There we could carry on tlie nefarious business of fooling people and robbing them aa well and no one would be the wiser. The kind hearted, well meaninig w^oman had unwittingly pla- ced temptation in our way, and as both of n^ were miserably weak, it was a certainty we would fall. When I thought of all this I was inclined to go back and tell heir to consider Avell what she w'aJB al)out to do. The venture might prove a failure'. There were many reasons Avhy it would, and chief and foremost among them was the fact that Ral- ston and I were qiuacks. We werci charlatans by nature and choice. We coudn't be anything else if we tried. But Ralston only laughed when T told him mj-- scrnjples. He said I would get over them. The ample fees we would soon be enrning would efface our sense of right. I'm i?orry to say his words proved prophetic. When T sit down and think over what I have done, T can't understand how T, who was so well trained in e'thic"^. should lose every vestiigel of honor. It didn't take me long to shake off principle and depart from truth. It is surpris- ing how quickly a man reaches the bottom once he 74 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK starts down the grade; And it rarely happens that he climbs up the hill a^giain. But I can offer an apology for the wrong I have done. All men do. It is human to seek justification and any unprejudiced and unbiased mind, look- ing over the arena of life, will detect flaws or defects that explain the dishonesty of the world. Many doctors livie off the ignorance of peo- ple and thrive on their vices. To follow the heal- ing art in a legitimate way is to be true to its ideals. Nefver to waver, to turn aside from the path of duty, to be conscientious under any and all circum- stances is hard indeed and quite beyond the aver- age* man or woman's ability to adhere. And this explains why Ralston and I were quacks. XIX Ralston and I parted with visions of a glorious fu- ture before us. Our past was checkered. There was no question about that, Th© career that lay behind us would not make nice reading. It a- bounded in acts of dishonesty, selfishness and cruelty. We had good cause to be ashamed of it and to keep it hidden away. So the best thing we could do was to try and forget. But t)oth off us knew this wouldn't be, easy. We were familiar with the working of the mind. We knew the laws that regulated and curtailed it and guided and direct-ed it over that vast field and range of thought where were exercised its strange and mysterious actions. Better still we were acquainted with the human heart. We were conscious of the wonderful power of love and the far reaching influence for good it exerted over women and men. The life of a quack had taught us much. It had brought us knowledge that should have made us ashamed of ourselves. And as I sat down in my office and thought of all this, the elation I had so shortly felt fled. My buoy- ancy left me and I suddenly found myself infini- tely wretched. The old despairing mood that had filled my days with unrest and my nights with dread was on me. In vain I tried to shake it off. It was no use. It had come to stay. I would have to suffer. It was the good in me struggling for su- (premacy. The remnant of the real man in the throes of extinction gradually by a slow process of deterioration undergoing annihilation. I had exper- ienced many times before. And eiach attack I seemed a kinder, better man. My whole life pass- ed before me. Youth with all its hopes and dreams, ideals and ambition, disappointed middle age with blasted hopes and cherished desirease and spoi^e affably to u;>. ' ' My father as resting on the sofa upcjiairs, so we can have a private talk about his condition down here. 1 think 1 told you most of the facts over the tedephone. Perhaps 1 itoiigiot some deitaiis i can now supply. But first of all, tell me if you can cure my father." "Sure, we eian," replied Ralston and I. It was easy and niatural for us to lie. We* had been at it so long it had become second nature. ' ' I heard you we»re wonderful Doctors, ' ' she said. To my humili^ion Ralston laughed and I gave him a sharp kick in the ohins. "Wu've effected some remarkable cures. I dane say we will find your father's case no different from the rebt, although the nature of this malady presupposes a long treatment." I said this with thoughts of the amiple fees we were about to extort from him passing throuiglh my mind. '■] don't care how long it takes or what it costs so long as my father is cured." ''That's a sensible! way to look at it. A doctor, no matter how clever he may be, cannot cure you in a day. It takes time, The trouble with many people is they haven't the patience. They want to get well right away. After years of abuse they expect us to build them all over again in a day. ' ' "You won't find my fathejr that kind of a man, even though his mind is a little wrong. He's will- ing to givei everything a fair trial. But when he-'s given a thing a test and there are no results, then look out. He's not particular about the kind of language he uses and doesn't care very much what he does." Cold shivers run up and down my spine. There was no enemy as (bad as a demented one. His capaci- CIONFESSIONS OP A QUACK 81 ty to do wrong was always unlimited and his desire for vengeance was intense. ' ' I know your father will be hugely pleased with what we do for him. If we thought we couldn't help him we would never have takem this case." "I'm sure you woudn't." "It may take some little time to win his confi- dence), but that once secured it will all be easy sail- ing for us." "How glad I am to hear you say that! I've tri- ed so many practitioners with such poor results I was in igreat despair. It was fortunate I heard of you. ' ' "And it gives us great satisfaction to know you have faith in us." "Anyone would have) faith in you." Again Ralston laughed and once more I reward- ed him with a kick in the shins, a little stronger than before. "But we are wasting time discussing matters that have no bearing on my father", said Miss Raw- lins, rising. "Just a mome/nt and I will bring my father in." When she was gone I turned angrily on Ralston. "Have you no sense?" I asked. "Have you no honor?" he retorted. "I can see nothing comic in being betrayed." "Who's betrayed you?" he demanded. "It looks as though you wore set on doing so. This is the) chance of our life and it appears that you don't appreciate it." Miss Rawlins returnekl leading her father by the hand. "Father, here are the doctors!" she exclaimed. "The doctors! Where?" he said, passing his hand across his brow. Hei hiad the wild stare of the 'paranoic and moved as though it post him a great effort. "Mr, Rawlins, we are*, here to cure you," I said. 82 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK "Cure me! I'm all right." "And we are goinjgi to do it in double quick time." "I have no money to pay you." "He thinks he is poor. That's his main delu- sion," explained his daughter, "No hallucinations of grandeur. Plainly not a case of parens. He can be cured easily." "If I could only believe it vs^ere truci!" "You'll see how true it is if you'll give us a chance to cure him," "I want you to begin treatment at once , I sup- pose your fees will be rather high," ' ' Somewhat. We are very busy. Our servic iS are in dCmand everywhere. We'll have to refuse many other desirable cases to attend your father. But our fees will be nominal. We don't believe in hieing exorbitant. We'll take/ your father's case and guarantee to cure him for a thousand dollars." "Your terms are agreeable to me, but, of course, they won't be to my father, as he insists he's poor," said Miss Rawlins. She rospj and walked to the do«k. Sitting down she wrote out the check, "Another victim of our damnable deceit," ex- claimed Ralston when we reached the street. XXI \ As Ralston and I walked away from the house where we had vicitimized a creijdulous,, unsuspect- ing woman, we felt ashamed. We( were not so hardened that now and then the softer, finer emo- tions did not assert themselves and proclaim their right to rnlci. In common with all men who lived off the fear and ignorance of thenr fellows, there were moments when shame and remorse were un- pleasant companions. And the money we obtain- ed, instead of giving us, as wei foolishly supposed it would, peace and a sense of security, brought U3 nothing but unrest. We had already been exposed. We had lost our prestige. Most of our patients had drifted away from us, and in the midst of all this perple(xity we bad gone and committed our old crime over again and exposed ourselves to further tribulation. It looked as though we were making a desperate effort to brinig speeldy ruin on ourselves. What would Mirs. Grayson say if she knew our rascality? And we lived in the constant fear that she would find it out. What would she do if shei diiscovered the sort of game we were playing? It's safe to say she wouldn't open a Canctor Home and place us in charge. When T thought of it I conclud- ed we had gone far enough. It is time we halted. We would turn the trick once too often. An angry victim would seek retribution .> Arriving at my home I bid Ralston good-bye promising to keep in close touch with him. On my desk was a note from Mrs. Grayson. She had drop- po'd in to confer with me about the home. She had rented the Goddard house, a magnificent place in an aristocratic section of the city. I knew the location quite well. It was ideal. Thp snrround- inars, the setting, everythinsr associated with the old, unoccupied m/ansion appealed to me and pleas- ed me erreatly. And I knew Ralston would feel equally as elated when told of our good fortune. 83 84 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK As I sat down and thought of what the good wo- man was doing for us and how little we deserved from her or anyone! else, »great remorse came over me. If the two of us had our just deserts, we wouldn't be going around foolinigi people and ex- torting money from them. We'd be doing time like other crooks and criminals. Wie had been lucky to escape detection and capture. That was because wie kept within the law and oonfined our efforts to money getting. Pondering on this made me( resolve to once more be straight. It was never too late to mend. We had not gone so far in wrong doinig that we could not reform. Here was our chance, the opportunity that comes to everyone* to take the right road. The Cancer Hom0 would eihelter us from the storm of public wrath and in- dignation so soon to break. There in peace and se- curity we could do our work. Our mistakes and deliberate, willful ^betrayal of faith would be for- gotten. We could make amends for the wrong we had done. Ralston and I had resolved to do this once be- fore. But we found we were miserably weak in the presence of temptation. Old habits of dishon- esty had fastened a chain around us that linked us with wrong doing. And it seftaed as though there was no hope for us, no way out of the labyrinth of lying and stealing in which Ave were lost. I looked around my office and thouigth of the long years of bitter struggle I had with adverse, circumstances. I would gladly live those days over, I would go through it nil again, experience its heartaches and disappointeraents in preference to the unrest of soul I had known sincet I became a quacJc. But I could not ig« back. T oould undo nothing I had done. There was one sensible thing for me to do and that was to place the past and its mistakes behind mel It was rich in les.sons. It contained all the warnings of a long and varied experience with CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 85 my fellow men in the closest and most delicate re- lations of Lifei, and if I now went on in the sam^e old way, therei was only one inference to be drawn — I was a hopeless case, an absolute incorrigible. XXII Ralston and I were now installed in the Goddard place. In haste we had gathered together ail our belongimgB and with the' least possible ceremony had departed from our rtfepective homnjs and taken up a permanent residence in new and palatial quar- ters. Our abode was exquisite. We had everything the most fastidious could crave. Mrs. Grayson had spared no money to have the Hospital equipped in the latest and most splendid style. The house was ideally constructed for such pur- poses. While the architecture was a little obsolete everything had been planne^d with a thought as ta convenience. On the first floor was the reception hall, the office, waiting room and wards. Above^ the operating room, private rooms for patients, bill- iard and smoking rooms and library. All of the apartments were (gorgeously furnished. As Ralston and I walked from room to room ex- amining in detail the elegance of the furnishings a consciousness of unworthineiss came to us. What right had two unprincipled quacks to all this? It seemed as though thei very walls and floors must cry out and condemn uiS'. We had reached the turning point in our career, Purthor travel over the road would lead us to a precipice. We must turn back. There was no al- ternativie. We would have to retrace our steps to where we departed from accepted standards of right,, and cast asidq ideals that had been an inspi- ration and a iguide. It was easy for us to fhink of doing all this, but experience had taught us it was hard — so very difficult neither of us leven dared hope it would come true. Early in our career as quacks we had 86 CONFESSIONS OP A QUACK 87 learmid that habits become servitudes. We had been dishonest so long it was utterly impossible for us to be honest. But a new environment with ev- erything associated with it -ealcuiated to inspire ethical idtw. With this end in vicAv we bought many new medical books — latest editions of standard authors, and familiarize ourselves with the use of surgical in- struments and studied the techniqiue of operations. We wer& earnest in the matter. We meant well, 88 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK and both of us predicted we could keep the good resolutions we had made; liut wie hadn't been in ouir new quarters very long, when we discoveired that we were beset with many temptations wei didn't think existed. The passion of avarice that we had nourished and fos- tered with such care, we found difficult to shake. We werei just as thirsty for dollars as ever and not a bit mom scrupulous how wei igiot them. Howeveir we soon learned that we had to play the game of quacks in Mrs. Grayson's Cancer Home altogether diflfierently from the way we did in years gone by. In the first pla<3« most of the patients admitted, to the place were highly intelligent and had received treatment before coming to us. Their trouble had been correctly diagnosed. Hence we could not fool them into belielvin/gi they had complaints they didn't. Our chance of e&torting money from them was li- mited to charging exorbitant fees and keeping them in the hospital as' long as possible. This was to be sure a modified form of thievery, a more digni- fied way of practicing deception. But what did we (Caiie as lonig as we got jtihe dollars ? Big and leasy money is what we wanted^ and we got it. We received it more easily with half the effort than wheal w© pursued our calling in a privatel way and with much less strain. Mrs. Grayson visited us almost daily and encour- aged and hjelped us in every conceivable way. I cannot imagine how any woman could have done more for two strugglingf doctors. And when I sit down quietly by myself and think of her benefi- cence and remember how I deceived her, my consci- ence troubles me. I wonder if she '11 ever read these "Conflessions". If she does, she'll see I'm very sorry for what I have done, and that the commit- ting of them to paper was a petnance imposed upon myself. It takes patience and labor to write out a narrative like this and I must say at times it seem- CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 89 ed an irksome task. But I felt when it was finish- ed and the publistier gave it to a rejading public^ if it happened to fall into the< hands of the good woman who was my protectorees and saving anigiel^ it would be the best tribute I could ofiBer her of my gratitude and love. lUXX Ralston and I were studyinig hard. Sinoe assum- ing management ol the "Home" we were reading early and Jate. Mrs. Grayson took great pride in the' library. As books were her hobby sihe had succeeded in making a wonderful collection of them. We had at our command the latest works of the greatest medical writers. And I can truth- fully say Ralston and I took advantage of this op- portunity to amass much knowledge. And it wasn't that we just meonorized facts. We applied, or at least tried to, what we read in the treatment of our cases. True we were quacks when it came to ask- ing and demanding money, but in our treatment w/e were careful and painstaking. Both of us had become proficient in a surprisinigily short time in all the branches of medicine. We had acqiuired dexterity and skill in addition to possessing know- ledge and were bold and daring operators. It was natural that our success should make us known widely and greatly talked about. And those who recomended us were people of wealth and influence. We found ourselves rich, famous and popular and passing as very upright and honorable. Patients told how conscientious we were when neither of us had the slightest conception of the meaning of that word. It was said that we possessed kindness and goodness of heart whein, as a matter of fact, we were heartless and merciless, having pity and sympathy for no one. Our ruling passion was ava- rice. We were so greedy that there was no lie we would not tell to gain our ends, I shudder when I think of the changa that took place in our char- acter. It make me sick at heart when I ponder on it. And I often wish I had never met Mrs. Gray- son and been the recipient of her generosity. 90 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 91 liiiinitely better to have befcn a. poor, obscure practitioner. What does success amiount to if bought at such a price. With these things in mind 1 remember one moriung walking into the ** Doctor's Koom ' ' and finding Raiston in one of his * ' moods. ' ' This was a irame of mind my colleague fell into when he became extremely pessimistic and took a most gloomy view of lifei "Are you happy?" I asked. "Lord, no!" he exclamed. "Haven't you everything this world can .give to make you so F ' "i*ositively I haven't." "You have success." "What of it?" ' * That seems to be what everybody is after. ' ' "It's little peace of mind success has brought us." "We're confortable. There are people worse off." "VIery true. But these people you refer to are not quacks." "1 laughed. Ralston 's tongue was sharp. He always had a come back. * * A man can commit a greater crime that that of being a quack, ' ' I said apologetically. "There I can't agree with you. The calling of a charlatan is the worst a human being could se- lect. Bear with me a minute and I will prove it. In that undignified position you take advantage of the greatest, evils that afflict human race^ namely fear and ignorance. And you don't stop here. You igo further. You lie and lose all conception of the truth. You adquire a passion of avarice inconceiv- able to the man who leads an ethical life. True you pile up riches. But after you step beyond the boundary line where caution ceaseb and reckless- ness begins, you do somethimgi that you are sorry for the balance of your life." 92 CIONFESSIONS OF A QUACK "Are you speaking from experience?" I asiied. "1 am. ii wiiat wei have done were known we- wouldn't be( liiere in this "Uancer Home" taking, advantage oi' xjeoi)le s credulity and teatheriiig our nests, we'd be on the rock pile in the quarry or the Jute Mills, where w,e coula think it over. 1 don't believe we'd be on thei gallows, because we drew the line at murder. But we could give the iellow who sells spurious oil and mining stocks a tew points all right. They are a bit tame) at the game. But we, Lord save us, we copped eveay thing in sight— grabbed everything we could put our fingers on." "Ther-e are many others just as bad." ''Is this the excuse you plead? Is that your jus- tification?" "Yes." "It seems to me a poor way of dodging responsi- bility. Ever since thei day I began to qua<;k I've been haunted by feiar. Until then I was brave as a lion, you know I was. That's because 1 had a clear conscience." "A clear conscience, but many debts," I interpos- ed. Ralston smiled. "Give me the debts eh«trusivo wjiv helped to keep the wolf from their door. And we Rouffht no recognition for this betneficiienee. "We looked for no recommensei True it seemed like robbinior Peter to pay Paul, to use an old and fami- liar c^mnarison. But it was a healing balm to our wounded conscience. 96 qONFESSIONS OF A QUACK Our religious friends tell us there is to bei a Judgment Day. According to their helief it is then that all the graft and wickedness of sinful fallein man will be made known. How will Ralston and I be, able to face the victims we so merciless trimmed What justification can we offer for our misdeeds? The Aveak argument all wrong-doers will offer, I suppose. And how ridiculous and ab- surd will our small effort at atonement appear. Tiike millions of others who have done wrong our FJns will condemn us. When I think of what we nnist face courage fails me. I find myself wishing the rocks and mountains would hide me and I unceasingly curse the day I became a qjuack. D Q Q D Q D O D D Q □ The Cancer Home XXV At Mrs. Grayson's "Cancer Home" time passed quickly. WeJ were busy. There was never a mo- ment to waste. And Ralston and I having little op- portunity for reflection were happy. I daresay we were as contented a pair of rogues as could be found. The mornings we put in doing operations. As all kinds of surgical c^ses wore admitted to the Hospital, we had a splendid chance to perfect our- selves in the art of "butchery". The ignorance and credulity of mankind is astounding. I knew this from the time I begtan to study and observe. But my ideas were som^ewhat vague and hazy until I became a quack. I then saw that ignorance caus- ed two thirds of the misetry of the world. It was this, the worst of human evils that pc|rmitted a false economic system to exist. Long before I became a quack, in my poor and obscure days when I wag a legitimate practitioner I peroeived that thosci who did the most of the hard work of the world receiiv- ed but a fraction of wealth they produced. This was 80 self-evident that it required no effort on my part to detect it. Naturally my heart went out to those who worked for a living. My sympathy was keen for them. In those days I could no more think of telling an untruth to one of these than I could of stealing, killing or doing any other crime. But what a change came oveir me when I shook dft the yoke and hamo^se of right doing, jumped over the traces and cast all moral restraint to the wind ! 1 blush with shame as I think of it. No sooner had I sihaken off riighteousness and turned away from rectitude than I lost all compassion and sympathy for those who so shortly had beein my friends. I would as soon lie to a working man as I would to a millionairei I would deceive a poor widow as qniickly as I would a society matron. T would rob 97 98 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK an orphan with no luoiie eompuntiou than 1 would a bank president. As 1 ponder on it the conviction forces itself on me| that in becoming a quack 1 departed from all virtue and igoodness. 1 sowed the seeds of moral deterioration that sprung up and produced a crv^p of evils that brought about disintegration of my character. One Sunday, ais I sat in the office witlh these gnawing thoughts disturbing me, two men came in. They asked me if 1 could be so good as to make an outside call. It wasn't far, just a few blocks a- way. Howevejr I was averse to going. I was in a contemplative mood and wished to bei left alone. But RaLston had gone for a walk and I kn€w of no other doctor I would care to send. So after much prevarication in which art I was most adept, 1 promised to go. My visitors were old. Neither of them looked prosperous. But as I was now independent and it was high time I was bejeoming charitable, I didn't mind it a bit. Arriving at thei address they had given me, the entrance was guarded by a dag who crouched in the door way with his nose nestling between! his paws. He seemed to resent my coming as an intrusion, growling as I ascended the steps. For a moment I was all at sea as to wihat was (best to do. He looked vicious. And it was apper- ent he was a watch dog placed at the door to keep strangers away. It occurr^ to me that I should try on Mr. Dojg the tactics I had so effectively used on human beings. I had a vast experience in dealing with men and women, little or none with animals. Perhaps they were as susceptible to flattery as the victims Ralston and I had fleeceld. I would see. "Nice little dog, you wouldn't bite me", I said, patting him on the head. My words acted like magic. Immediately he waggefl his tail. Assured he meant me no harm, I entered and climbed the CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 99 long, narrow stairway that led to the sick man's room. There the two gentlemen who had come alter m© awaited my arrival. On the bed lay the .patient, a little wizeneld lold man of eighty-five, lie was emaciated and looked bad. He was dirty and unshavetti. He- had a swelling on the right side of his neck. I examined it and found it was very sensitive. As I was a cancer specialist it was the most natural thing in the world for me to declare it a malignant growth. But for once in my career as quack I would not lie. So I said it was abscess, prescribed flax seed poultice and sat down. You don't know how happy I felt after all the yeiars of lying I could tell the: truth. That was something to be proud of. I had despaired dfl ever being able to do that again. As I thought of it I became con- scious of new strenght. I was aware too that the essence of good was still within me. I could re- frain from lyinig if I tried. I was able to throw off the mask of hypocrisy I wore. Once more I might practice the healing art in an upright way. While these thoughts were flitting through my brain a little man, elvidently a friend of my patient, sat directly opposite nue. He watched me closely. He noticed every move I made and hung on every word I said. And night then I concluded he had pas(.sc|d judgment in me and declared me a fakir. But I misjudged him, as subsequent events amply pro veld. Instead of questioning my honesty, he was admiring the way I had of doing and say- ing things. "Doctor, don't you reimember me?" he aisked. "You're a little man I've known by sight for years. ' ' "I used to work in stable^?. But I don't any more. I'm too old — sixty-nine. I just walk around to pass away the time." "Where were you born?" I asked. "In East London. I've been around the world 100 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK several timeK. There's nothing like travel, believe me. It broadens a man and givejs him knowledge he never can acquire from books." "I iqniite agree vs^ith yon, although 1 have never traveled much. I've beem so busy these years, i haven't had time" "But think of all the good you have done." Lord! If he only knew the kind of game 1 play- ed! "There's just as much joy in that as there is in being able to run about." "I dare say there is." "May be if you had been a dishonest doctor like some I know, perhaps you might have been able to take it easy and see some of the world." "Perhaps." I could not look him in the face. I had to e/vade nis eyes. I knew he was a good judge of charac- ter. All men are who travel. May be a look or a word would betray me and he would discover what a fraud I was. By his own admission he had come in contact with dishonest doctors. I presume some of them were like me. I felt uneasy and wished I had never began a convewation with him. I long- ed to be back at the "Cancer Home", wlieire Ral- ston and I could sit down and talk with perfect understanding and freedom. We we>re two of a kind. We had an intimate acquaintance and knew each other's igiood qualities and bad traits as well. All our secrets we shared in common. Neither of us had anything to conceal. But I felt quite dif- ferently in the pr^esence of this little man. "Sometime, if you don't mind, I'm coming over to see your "Cancer Home", he said, after a thoughtful silence. "Do, by all means. I shall be glad to show you about the place." Immediately I had fallen into my old lying hab- CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 101 its. I no more wanted him to pay me a visit than I wished to be a quack. What I desired most was a long conference with Ralston, where I could point ©■ut to him thei necessity and advisability of ub turning over a new leaf. To my way of thinkinig it was time we reformied. We had gone far enough in wrong doing. We w^ere already on dangerous ground. A misstep might lead to e-ertain ruin. "I won't forgeit how kind and attentive you've been to this man. If I eveo* get sick you'll be the first doctor I'll send for." There was only one way for mei to ansy er this com- pliment. I thanked him most heartly for the con- fidence he had in me and promised if the occasion ever arose when he needed my services, I would treat him to the best of my ability. XXVI I was glad to get away from that old rooming house and back to Mrs. Grayson's "Cancer Home". The first thing I did on arriving] there was to look up Ralston. I found him in tJie library pouring over a book on surgery. I invited him into the office where! we had a long and serious conference. "I'm going to reform," I said. Ralston laughed. "That isn't the first lie you've ever told. You've been igetting this reform gag off ever since we became quacks", he repied. "But this time you will seeL Everything in this world has an end. And that applies to the game we have been playing. Say, I've just come from a visit across the way, where, for the first time in j;eai'4. 1* was on the square. And I'm so ha^ppy I don't Imow, what to do. I tell you it pays to do c"c <'\yljat i4 il^ht * But it took me a long time to find ''■•it out." "You old hypocrite! How can you sit there and say what you know is untrue " "Are you really not to be conWnceJd ? " "Not until I have more proof than your word for it." "Very wiell. "Wlhen I make my visit tom,orrow I want you to accompany me." "It's a go." "I'vie been thinkirug of taking this step for a long time. We don't have to be dishonest any more. Wel're both well fixed. There's no need of us being iq|uaic'ks any longer." "Once a quack always a quack." "I don't believe it. A man can go a long way in wrong doinig, call it quits and do what is right. I'm going to prove he can. Ralston, let's try it. 102 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 103 It's never too late to mend. We can redeem our- selves, recover our good name and with a clean slate begin whetre we left off years ago. Are you with me or not?" "With you, of course. But we'll both prove un- equal to the task." "No, we won't. We'll find it as easy to do right and far more pleasant than to do wrong. Since we've been quacks wei've not had a moment's peace. ' ' "There I agree with you," "Excuse me, Ralston, there's somie one at the door," The be[ll had rung and as usual my coUea- giie had not heard it. My hearing was fine. With- out bragging and waiving all claim to conceit, I think I could truthfully say that I was able to dis- tiagtuish sounds as few men can. "Remember what I told you. Today marks the beginning of a new life for both of us," I said ris- ing and going to thei door. My visitor was a colored boy. One glance was sufficient for me to understand that he was in great distress. He was seared and anxious looking. He could not speak above a whisper. "Doctor, can you come down right away? My sist By this time Mrs Grayson's "Cancer Home had become widely known. The wards and private rooms welne lilled. Money was rolling in to us in a golden stream. Under such circumstances it is natural for men to be in high spirits. Ralston and I were as happy as it is possible for dislhonest men to be. Every crook has a philosophy to justify his behaviour and we had ours. But we had moments — many of them — when re- morse and dispair weighed heavily on us. It was during these times that the future seemed to reveal all its secrets to us and the past to force on us its many lessons and warninigis. I shudder when I r€/eall the vague indescribable mental suffering we both experienced. No words can convey an intel- ligent compi^ehension of what it was like. No one has the! slightest conception of what it resembles, only those who have done wrong when reason com- manded them to do right and who tried to smother the prickings of conswienoe by claiming that suc- cess sanctioned and justified all methods of obtain- ing it. As the days went by the intimafcei acquaintance Ralston and I had of each other enabled us to see the kind of work that was most congenial to us. As I was niervous and active, a regular dynamo of restlessnetes, it was agreed that I should look after all outside patients, while Ralston would take care of thei inmates of the "Home". I would in- sist on his prescence only for the purpose of impres- ing the minds of the credulous and to enable me the more readily and easily to extract ample fees. He would b© of invaluable assistance to me in the art of extortion. All quacks made! usei of such tactics and we could not afford to be an exception. Arriving at the hospital I found another case 112 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 113 awaiting me. A littlei girl, whose fathetr conducted a road house a mile out of town, ha3 been burned badly. She had overturned a coal oil lamp and sing- ed he/rself frightfully. Hier father had driven in haste to the ''Home", where he eixpeicted to find me. He was indignant because Ralston would not go and poured down on him a shower of stinging oaths. I succeeded in pacifying him somewhat and promised him I'd accompany him to the child at onc€(. He was a remarkablel littLe man, a Swiss by birth and had traveled extensively. He was ruptured badly and had opened the Road House as a means of making an easy living. There crowds of Ger- mans used to gather, drink steins of h&ecc and sing songs. I found my little patient lying quietly on tha sofa with her anxious and frightened mother bending over her and applying flour and water to her bums. I was a quack, but it didn't occur to me that this was the best treatment. I had brought a pint bottle of linimentum calcis, "Lime water and linse|ed oil", which I poured over her scorched limbs. In all my experience I had never i^eetii a child like that. She did not move nor whimper. She lay (perfectly still and showed a stoicism truly wonderful for one of her age. She| made a quick recovery and for attending her I received, as usual, a handsome fee. When I r&call how easy it was for me to fleece people and how readily I succed'ed in causing them to pay me etxorbitant fees, I think some devil of lying possessed me. An imp from hell had entered my soul and destroyed the flower of benevolence that eiarly in ray career had -exhaled a delicious fra- grance. This being who had left the infernal re- gions and taken up an abode in me made me hard as nails. Mine was plainly a case of "diabolism". If not that, how explain my selfishness, greed and untruthfulness ? XXX The following day at noon I jum^ped into the machine and drove down to see a lady who was suffering with all the morbid symptoms associat- ed with the climacteric! or change of life. Her con- dition was as sad as it was deplorable.. A week previous to calling me in she had made an attempt on her own life. She had tried to beat her brains out with a hamm'er. Repenting of what she had done, in her calmer and more lucid intervals, she had sent for me. She was a lady of refinement and Qdueation and her daughter was a teacher in the public school. Her husband was a meek man whom everybody liked. I sat down and had a long talk witi hetr. The family pQiysician had gone! Bast to visit his pairents. This was the first trip he had made to see the old folks since locating in the West. She told me' how kind and good he had been to her and I felt rather uncomfortable! when she said his charges had been very reasonable. I promised to do all I could for her. whitfh was, of course, nothing. But I inteinded to make a daily visit to her home to have a pleasiant chat with her (husband and daugh- ter, and above all not to forget to jot down my vis- its in my visiting book. On this day I found her unusually depressed. She appearcid listless and apathetic. SIhie showed no disposition to talk and seemed to be bored by my ipresence. I, therefone, decided to make< my staj-- short. But I had to do something so it would look as if I had taken an intetrest in her case and was trying to cure' Tier. I ordered an eggnog, which she drank with great reluctance, bade her good-ibye, not forgetting, however, to promise her she would soon be well and that I would return to see her on the morrow. I had just driven my machine into the garage at the "Home" when her husband, with a look of terror on his face, came running in, his h-^nrls frisrht- 114 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 115 fully burned. He was all out of breath and so ex- cited hei could scarcely speak. "For God's sake, doctor, come over to the house. My wife has set fire to herself. Shortly after you left, my daughter and I sat down to dinner. While we were thtlre she went q/uickly out into the back yard, covered herself with coal oil and put a match to her clothes. "We heard the screaming and rush- ed to her aid. We succeeded in smothering the fla- mes, but shei is badly burned all the same. ' ' I took out my R blank and wrote a prescription which I handed to him. "Gelt that filled at the drug store across the way, then hurry to your home. I'll be there." I might be a quack, but I knew what was good for bums. At a breakneck speed I drove down to the un- fortunate woman's home. Therei all was flurry. Several of the neighbors, in well meaning efforts to extinguish the flames, were severely burned. My patient was lying on the bed unconscious. She was burned as I had never seen anyone before in all my lifie. Directly opposite her sat two Spanish women saying the ro>s,ary. Truei to tlheir faith they had not forgotten to pray for her who was so shortly thenr neighbor and friend. A hasty examination on my part told me she could not live. So I took out my (hypodermic case and gave her a shot of morphine. Next I poured lime water and linseed oil all over her. This done there remained one thing more to be thoug'ht of. That was to ask for my pay, which I did coldly and formally. When I received it I did something that must have branded ma a merciless, heartless thief, for in the nresence and hearing of those grief stricken people, I grumbled and said it wa we have been misjudged and maligned. ' ' "If you can it will prove that you are something more than .a quack." "It will show that the powers of persuasion that enabled me to eonvincel people they had diseases nobody ever heard of and no one ever knew to exist I still possess. And it will do mone than this. It will silence detractors, jealous professional ri- vals of thei lejgitimate school who are green with envy. You know the world and what t!he heart of man is like." Ralston walked away. He had fallen into one of his moods — periods of compunction when it was prudent and wise to leave) him alone. Up and down the' corridor of the "Cancer Home" he walk- ed, a picture of despair. From the office I watch- ed him. I noticed eyvery move he made. I observ- ed the play a:^ elmotions on his face and studied the conflict of opposing passions and the struggle for freedom and deliverance from the bondage of evil. And as I sat there a silent and thoughtful ]20 COMPESSIONS OF A QUACK witness to the resurrection of a soul that I had done my share to kill, I was conscious as never be^ fore, of a sense of guilt. It was to my door must be laid the blame of all the evil that had come into Ralston 's lifei I was instigator of whatever wrong he had done. Only for me he would have been a noble, uipright man. The more I though^t of it the stronger the conviction became that I had commit- ted the unpardonable sin the day I hiad persuaded him to become a iqfuack. XXXIII While these thoughts were flitting through my brain the door bell rang. My visitor was a iitUe wizened old man, asthmatic and wheezy. He wish- ed me to go at once to see his wife. It wasn't far, just a short distance down the street. I was glad to get away 'from the "Home". I didn't like to be near Ralston when in a depressed condition of mind, and I was anxious to shake off my own fears and anxieties. This call would be a pleasant antidote for the sudden aspect affairs had taken. My patient was a women of middle age, suf- fering with dropsy. Her trouble had been aggra- vated by over exertion incident to house cleaning. I ordered her to bed, prescribed infusion of digitalis and promised her a speedy recovery. Then her husband escorted ma into the dining room where he had been counting his monejy. Twenty, ten and five dollar igiold pieces were scattered carelessly around. It was a long time since' I had seen so much money at once, and it occurred to me that here was my chance to get some of it. I feel the blush of shame spread over my face as I sit here and write down the record of my misdeeds. The sight of that igold fanned thei flame of avarice that was burning up my soul and ereiated in me a lust for gain. Before I had time to rea.son or reflect on the right or wrong of what I was going to do I struck that poor old man a vicious blow, scooped up the gold and put it in my pocket. This was the worst act I had ever done, one that would have branded me a criminal in any part of the world. Heretofore I had been satisfied to charge an exor- bitant fee. Now I was not content unless I grab- beld all the money in sight. I had deteriorated. The procefee of degeneracy had gone on in me at 121 122 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK an alarming rate. It was no longer safe for me to be at larigie. I was a menace to society. Nobody knew it better than myself. There was no hope for me now. 1 had reached the acme of wrong doing and if I did not get away swil't avenging justice would punish me as I deBerved. As 1 stood still pondering as to what was best to do, there was a knock at the door. I trembled from head to foot. I must do something or I would be caught in the act of thievery. I quickly spnead the money over the table. Then 1 opened the door. There stood Ralston, his clear blue eyes fixed on me in a steady gaze. "Mrs. Grayson wants to see you at once. Sent me down to get you." He paused and looked around the room. "What's this?" he exclaimed discovering the old man lying on the floor. "Fainted, that's all. He'll come through in a minute", I replied. "Let's put him on thei sofa," Ralston said. "Very well." "He'll be more comfortaible there." "Undoubtedly." We lifted the old man up, placed him on the sofa and went out. "How does Mrs. Grayson feel now in thei mat- ter?" I asked as we walked slowly along. "Very differently than when I last saw her. She says she is pretty nearly convinced that the rumors that have reached her are the outgrowth and result of professional jealousy and rivalry." "What did I tell you? I knew it would be easy to persuade her. Shei's a good woman and it isn't eiasy for her to think evil of any one." "If we square ourselves with her and continue to quack, we ought to have our heads cut off." "Well said, Ralston. But don't ymi see- the! pljght we are in?" CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 123 < < 'A very uncomfortable predicament to be sure,," "Habits once acquired and allowed to take root deeply are not easily shaken. That is the reason why all the good resolutions we made in the past came to nothing. It also explains satisfactorily our persistence in wrong doin;g. There is a lesson for others in our career that I hope they will learn and I trust have the good sense to follow." "We w.ere within a stone's throw of the "Home". On the veranda Mrs. Grayson awaited us walking nervously up and down. "Doctor, I want to have a talk with you", she said in a low, sweet voice. There was nothing in her manner that indicated she 'bad other than the kindest feelings for me, I walked upon the veranda and sat down beside her. "I understand that you are of the opinion that I have lost faith in you, ' ' she said. "I have no such notion," I replied. "I'm glad to hear it. I was foolish enough to put credence in certain rumors afloat about you, which I am happy to say I discovered are false." I breathed easy. All my fear fled. "Doctors are not as charitable as they miight be, and many of them are jealous." "So I have been told. And I've lieard it said that they will stoop to underhanded methods to injure a rival. I can understand how many of them feel sore because I favored you and Ralston. I did so because I believed you didn't have a fair chance to get on and make good, and I rejoice when I think ibk)th of you proved worthy of the high expec- tations I had of you. Reflect a moment on wliat you have done. Think how well you have managed the "Home". Therei were those, many of them who predicted it would be a failure. Thank good- ness, it has been a great success." "None of us can escape being talked about." 324 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK "Quite so. That is somethinjgi we must cxpoKJt whether we deserve it or not." "What have the gossips said about us " "1 wouldn't like to hurt your feelings." "My sensibilities won't be wounded in the least." ' ' 'iiney say you arel a pair of quacks. ' ' 1 laughed. "People often say things they don't mean." "But those who heard it say it were very much in earnest." "Nevertheless misinformed." "To be sure." "And easily decedved.' * ' Yes. There 's no qfuestion but what they were. ' ' "Do you suppose we would have aohieved any success if we had been (qoiacks?" "It hardly seems probable." "Think of the wonderful cures we have effected here in this "Cancer Home"? Wihat further proof need you of our knowledge and skill Why give credence to a rumor that jealous rivals have spread?" Mrs. Grayson was beaming and smiling^ on me. My logic had dispersed any doubts she may have had. As a legitimate practitioner I had early perceiv- ed the power flattery has. None are too wise or old not to be Susceiptible to it. But it was not un- til I had become a full fledged quack that I saw its untold possibilities. "Mrs. Grayson, I don't think that Ralston and myself deserve the credit. It is you who should have all the praise. Your benevolence made possi- ble the "Home". Only for your goodness of heart I would still be a poor and obscure practitioner.'* "You've more than repaid me for what I hare done. You've mad© t