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WUF. FIBTION
UoT fo3 USE
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
By
Dr. T. P. Bartlett
?e^>
Drawings by the Author
J. de Menezes & Sons
Oakland, Calif.
1921
• ::';•••
Cppyrighted 1921
By Dr. T. P. Bartlett
PREFACE
"Confessions of a Quack" is not, as some may
infer, an attempt to ridicule and belittle medical
men. Tha author is a practicing physician, loves
his profession, and numbers many doctors as his
most esteemed and respected friends.
Th-e book is an effort of the writer to prove that
we are living under a wrong system that owing to
its innate dishonesty necessarily breeds the charla-
tan. One does not need to be long from the paternal
roof to learn the ways of the great outside world.
Ajid one is not far from home when one loses many
illusions. Ideals are soon shattered. Many people
ire brutally frank and seemingly take a keen de-
light in pullin'g the wool from your eyes. But when
we think of the facte they tell us we feel as though
they have done us a great service. Sooner or
later we must find ot that life is something quiU
different from what we had been taught. We are
doomed inevitably an invariably to discover that
society is not as perfect as we had been told and
we are confronted with the unpleasant truth that
the wicked often prosper while the good frequent-
ly suffer.
f
854906
11 PREFACE
Ralston and Clayton are types common enough
in these times when honesty is only too often call-
ed old fashionel and scoffed at; when men wor-
ship mammon and place the dollar above every-
thing else in this world. They are quacks, not
from choice, but rather from compulsion. Begin-
ning their professional career with ideals for direc-
tion and guidanae they soon learned that a too
faithful adherence to ethics was keeping them at
the bottom of the ladder while there was plenty of
room on top. So both of them began mental house
cleaning. They got rid of the cobwebs of obsolete
and long ago beliefs and after this renovation set
up business at the old stand in conformity to mod-
ern ideas as to what the measure of man's success
is, judged by the very latest standards. Were
they right or wrong? Were they justified in do-
ing what they did? Were they the victims of a
system corrupt to the very core, shattered and
tottering and ready to fall in a mighty crash ? The
reader must answer these questions. To the man,
woman, girl or boy who peruses this book is left
the task.
The experieince of none of us is so narrow that
we have not witnessed cases of moral deterioration
similar to that of Ralston and Clayton. How are
w« to explain it ? Is it a trick of atavism ? I think
not. I have little faith in that theory. There is a
reason for it — a cause that explains with unanswer-
able logic why the dark shadow of dishonesty hov-
ers over the world. But I wish you to arrive at
that conclusion by inference. I had that thought
in mind when I sat down and wrote "Confessions
of a Quack".
Dr. T. P. Bartlett,
917 Grove Street,
Oakland.
Fort J ytars ©Id and a failuror! (Page 7)
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
1 > 3 i
Forty years old and a failure ! I arrived at that
conelufiion by a slow and tefdious process of seilf-
analysis. My achi-evements in the profession of my
choice were the simplest. I had never been call-
ed in consultation at a rich and influential home.
I had never done a capital operation. My practice
was largely among a class that knew no more about
honesty than a pickpocket; who were ingrates and
justified their behaviour on the ground that I lacked
skill. But while these poor specimen of fallen man
caused mel many a heartache and forced me on in-
numierable oooasions to frequent the Pawn Shop,
they rendered me a unique and wonderful service.
They opened my eyes to a full seeing capacity of
all that was transpiring about me. They did more
than this. They made me painfully conscious that
there was something radically wrong in the system
under which men lived. And it occured to me that
the quickest and safest way to arrive at that know-
ledge was by beicoming an imjposter.
So, strangling the many conscientious^ scruples
that stood in the way, I cast aside the ideas I had
since a boy, and became a quack. No one knows
what it cost me to do that. Being a charlatan had
never appealed to me as someH;hing to be proud of.
But I early learned that it was both pleasant and
profitable. And when I sit down quietly by myself
and think it over, I have to smile at my former
scruples.
My financial condition when I decided to take
the step that brought a wonderful <jhange in my
8 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
habits and mode of living was deplorable. My
earthly belongings consisted of a shabby suit of
clothes, many unpaid bills, countless false names
and spurious addresses, my worthy patients had
giv«n me, a few r-iedical books, some instruments
a little rusty from non-use and neglect, and enough
,'m<3nfijy; tp Tjay my barber and the laundry thai
' washed my linen.
Is it any wonder that I became a quack? I think
ninety-nine out of a hundred would do as I did.
I remember how one of my patients had sympathiz-
ed with me when I told him my circumstances. He
was employed in the shipyards and I suggested
that it might be best for me to seek cmployiif^nt
there. But he declared that he would drive me
home to my pills, splints and bandage. I took this
friend's advice. I stayed with my absorvent cot-
ton and adhesive plaster and became a iquack. I
don't blush with shame; when I confesis it. I know
there are extenuating ciscumstances, and in order
that you may know what they are I am writing you
these ' ' Confessions ' '.
November 1st, 1919, is the beginning of that per-
iod of my life when the star of prosperity rose.
From that day on I began to ,giet new and desirable
patients land demand and secure bigg«r fees. I can
just laugh when T think how easy it was. What a
stranigie world we aref living in, and how easily
are people deceived! It looks as thoug'h most of
them like to be fooled. I had long learned that
people judge you by appearances. Now I would
prove it. I had taken the few dollars I had saved
from all my years of practice and replenished ray
wardrobe. I selected the nM)st fashionable and
gaudy attire, being careful to keep within good
taste. I gave attention to my office. I furnished
it in the closest conformity to modern ideas as to
what a doctor's pla<;ei of buf^iness should be like.
CONFESSIONS OP A QUACK %
leaned back in the chair at my desk, lit a cigar and
now that the bait had been thrown, waited for fish.
I will never forget, as long as I live, how happy
I felt as I started on this career of deception and
money getting. Here I had waited foi success for
twenty years and it had not come my way. On the
street I had heard rude people whisper "Horse
Doctor" as I passed along. You don't know how
it hurt me to hear them say that. It was so uncall-
ed for. It WRs singularly and vulgarly out of pla-
ce, I knew nothing about horses. I had never rid-
en one, driven one, harnessed or saddled one in all
my life. "Horse Doctor"! I shudder as I think of
it. Thank God it is now an unpleasant memory of
the past. Today I am looked up to ; my opinion is
sought on vital questions ; my professional services
are in demand, and I am paid handsome fees by
rich and aristocratic members of the community.
The day I decided to break away from old con-
ventions T Avent for a walk. It was an exercise I
wa=? fond of and as I was dtressed fashionable and
in the very latest, I had a pleasurable consciousness
of being presentable. It was a loui? time since I
had "dnllpd up" like that. In ?p.c{ I had taken
pnins to look well, only once before. That was
when I got my sheep skin. I thought that the hap-
piest moment of my life. T was young, not quite
twenty-thi-ee, fiill of ambition and erithiTjinsm. I
remf mher the words of encouragement of the little
crippled notary before* whom I had my licen^se at-
tested. "Young man. you can make a nice living
for yourself". Alas! hi<; prophasy didn't come
trup. It was a dream until I became a quack.
But I have wondered from my story. I iguess
nearly every one does who writes a confession. As
I was saying. I went for a walk. My clothes at-
tracted people. I saw men and women size me up
and look me oven*. The cop on the beat gave me
the "once over", smiled approvingl-"- »v(\ nodded
10 CONFESSIONS OP A QUACK
pleasantly as I passed alonig. It would be easy for a
drook to get by if he were a bit carelfuL But the
trouble is they become too Ibold, get wreckless and
are caught.
I reached de Fremery Park and intended to sit
down and rest. But tihei igardener, a fine little
Welshman, saw me and called me over to where he
was watering the lawn.
"Why the togs?" he asked, dropping the hose
and shaking hands.
"Going in for businetss", I replied.
"You've learned the tricks of the game at last.
But you were so slow to catch on I thought your
case hopeless".
"I am igioing to become a quack. That reminds
me I can't stay here gadding to you. Prom now
on I '11 be a very busy man. ' '
I turned abruptly and left the little gardener
staring in open mouthed wonder at the change that
had taken place in my appearance and manner, and
went home.
n
My first case proved to be a fortunate one. A lady
refined in appearance and gentle in manner await-
ed me. On etiterinig) she looked me over and, a3
my clothes were; cut in the latest fashion and the
best quality of goods, I knew at once she believed
me a good doctor. She had come to consult me
about a growth on her neck. An examination on
my part told me it was a simple papiloma. But I
could not tell the truth. I had done that for twenty
years and nearly starved and got no thanks for do-
ing so. Here was my chance, my fiirst opportunity
to prove that Barnum was right when he said:
"The American people like to be fooled". Assum-
ing a serious air and mustering all my profession-
al dignity, I spoke in a ton© of voice that filled her
with fear.
"My dear woman, you have a growth malignant
in nature. There is only one thing to be done and
that is to have it cut out. But my charges are
rather high".
"I don't care what is costs me. I am able to
pay whatever you ask"j, she replied.
"My fee will be five hundred dollars.",
"Very well. When can you operate?"
"To-morrow morning."
"At what hospital?" she asked.
"I'll arrange the matter and ring you up and
let you know", I replied.
I could not think of any hospital tlhat would
stand for the trick I was aboiut to play on this
credulous woman. As I had little practice and
theirefore no standing with the doctors, my acquaint-
ance with the surgeons in the hospitals was rather
limited. It extended scarcely beyond a rather cold
nod from a few, while most of them had a look of
11
]2 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
scorn for me as I "hiked" around in mj ghabbj
suit and faded overcoat.
I was surei up against it good and hard. I must
have a confederate. I could not do the job alone.
And whoever I got as an assistant would have to
be someone I trusted beyond a dream of suspicion.
I thouigiht a long time what was best to do. I
pondered on this and that. And then it came to
me like a flash of inspiration. There was one otlher
doctor in the town who like me had made a failure
of the practice of medicine. He too was a man of
ideals. He had a fine character, a good name, and
like me was very poor. I would look him up. I
would lay bare to him my whole scheme. I would
out line to him the plan by which I hoped to gat
wealthy. But what if he refused to be my accom-
plice? I shuddered Avhen I thought of it. I had
not seen him for some time. When I last met him
he had complained bitterly of the injustice of life.
He maintained rightly that a poQr man had no
chance. I had agreed wifh him in everything he
said. He had promised to come and see me and
we parted the best friends.
He was my hope, the only on.e I could expect to
help me. So I took my new patient's address and
telephone number, and assuring her I would soon
ring" her up and let her know what arrangeiments
T had made, waited until she was a safe distance
aAvay, and then walked out of my offic»e. People
stared at me as I passed. I looked prosperous and
had the brisk manner of a busy, overworked doctor
with no time' to waste. I elbowed and pushed my
way through the crowds on the main thoroughfare.
I walked at high rate of speed and was soon at tht
gates of Dr. Ralston. He saw me from the window,
and cam6 running down the steps.
"Golly. I'm glad to see you. Clayton! I imagined
you had forgotten me; it is so long since jou'v«
been here! Why have yon not come?"
Ralston was a man of fine character and, like me,
Avas very poor (Page 12)
14 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
I was at a loss *for an answer. If I said I was
busy Ualstou would know it was a lie. fcio aft-er
an embaiTa»3sing silence^ during which each, read
the other's thoughts, I blurted out the only plaus-
ible excusei 1 could think of.
"I was so shaibby 1 was ashamed to show my-
self".
Ralston laugihed. "But you are dressed very well
just now. Tell me all about your recent good
luck".
"I wiU if you only ask me in".
Ralston turned and ascended the stairs. I was
no sooner seated in the dingy little parlor that an-
swered the purpose of a reception room than I
remembered it was over a year since I had last
been there. For a few minutes I sat perfectly stiU
and said nothiujg . I was studying Ralston. He
had changed greatly since I had last seen him. He
had aged perceptibly. The world had used him
badly. Like! me he was a miserable failure and he
was man -enough to admit it.
"How are you getting along t" I aisked wishing
to draw him out.
"As usual".
"Another way of saying "badly". I surmised
as much. "See here, Ralston, you and I have ahil-
ities".
"We haven't succeeded in convincing anybody but
ounsel ves ' '. ,
"No sarcasm, please. I'm here to talk buiinesf".
"Go ahead".
"We failed to get on because we didn't imprest
people".
"That's very tru«."
"From now on I'm through with ethics. I intend
to quack".
"To quack! Good igxacious you don't mean
that!"
"Upon my word I do. Here you and I have
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 15
goue on starving for twenty years when we might
nave been rich and famous, it all comes £rom ob-
servmg the proprieties and a too rigid adherence
to conventions, i'm gomgi to imitate the success-
ful ones and i want you to do likewise".
"I'll starve rather than do anything unprofes-
sional ' '.
"Haven't you pretty neairly succeeded in doing
that?"
Ralston dropped his eyes. I didn't mean to hurt
his feelings. But 1 knew I had and he was sensi-
tive and thm skinned, almost morbidly so. I should
have heen more tactful and diplomatic.
"I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I want-
ed to point out to you whetre you are wrong. We
have t>een twenty years in the g:ame. What have
we to show for it'^ Plenty of debts, that's about
all. Touching elbows with us are men who aare
successful and because they early saw in their pro-
fession! career that to adhere to the principles we
follow spells J^ailure. Today marks the beginning
of a change in my life. I'm goung to do like thei
rest of them. I'm not gointgt to have scruples of
any kind. I'm after the coin and I want you to
help me to get it".
"Me!"
"Yes, you".
"How can I help youT"
"By heeing my accomplice, my conf ederate ".
' ' I never did <a low or underhanded thing in my
life".
"Neither did I until today."
"What have you done?"
"What they all do^told a deliberate lie."
Ralston laughed.
"That's nothinigt I've been lying all my lifetime."
"You!"
"Yes, me."
"I can't believe it, that's all."
16 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
"Allow me to speak. I must expiaiu myseii. I'ou
aud I have been lying ever smce we began to prac-
tice. We( told people they were suiiering witn
diseases when we didn't know whether they had
them or not. We took fees and said men and wom-
en were cured when the germs were present by the
millions in their bodies. We couldn't be honest ii
we tried. Everybody is iiorcied to bei dishonest, only
some turn the trick in rather a merciless, heart-
less manner. We've had a little pity. We didn't
bleed them veiry strong. That explains why we
are poor. This idea of your becoming a quack is
nothing new. We are all charlatans."'
"Now 1 am beiginnig to understand you. You
see when it is too latei that it doesn't pay to have
conscientious scruples. ' '
"I've known it for years. Say, we're wasting
time discussing these things. What is your game?"
"I want you as capital, first rate assistant."
"I see, you want a partner."
"Not exactly, but some onei I can depend on, to
help me in emergencies."
"Has the occasion risen when my services are re-
quired ? ' '
"Yes, this very day."
"Bully! Capital! I thought my luck would
change. ' '
"Ralston, listen. I've just come from my office.
A lady dropped in with a simple papiloma on her
neck. Here was the chance of my life and I re-
solved to make the most of it. I presuaded her she
had a cancer. I convinced her it could be nothing
else."
"You're a liar."
"Thank you. So are you".
"I know it."
"Of course, you told her there was only one way
to iget rid of it and that was to submit to the
knife."
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 17
"Exactly."
"You should be ashamed of yourself. It could
have been burned off witlh a caustic pencil"
"1 know. But I delcided I had done that long
enough. As you know, 'honesty doesn't pay well
nowadays. All the thanks you and I ever got
was to be called "Horse Doctor."'
"Tliat's the reputation we acquired after all our
years of conscientious practice. It makes me sick
to think of it."
"It can scarcely disgust you more than it does
me."
"llow much are you going to charge the lady to
remove thet igirowth?"
"Five hundred dollars."
' ' You 're a robber. "
"H. C. L. is to be blamed for that."
"In what hospital do you intend to operate?"
"1 don't know. That's what's troubling me.
Where on earth can we do the job without being
found out?"
"Search me."
"We'll have to give them a rake off."
"That goes without saying."
"If we do there'll be nothing left for us."
Balston's face dropped. He k'M^w that society
was oorrupt. Men and women were insanely avari.
eions. Lust for gain and inordinate greed seemed
to grip everyfbody. Oppression, thievery, gi-aft
everywdiere prevailed. The religious brethren were
quoting Scripture in an effort to convince incred-
ulous mankind that the end of the world was near.
"None of the first class hospitals will do. Their
demands are exorbitant. You say you arc going to
charigi^ this lady five hundred dollars. "We must
pGtsuade her to have the operation done in her
home. Don't you see thei necessity of that?" Ral-
ston '« eyes sparkled. The color had come to his
pale, cadaverous face. All the look of despair that
18 CONPES^ONS OF A QUACK
had proclaimed him a disappointed broken man
had vanished. "There no one will be ablei to dis-
cover our guilty secret/' he -went on in a tone of
voice that throughly alarmed me*. "It will be easy.
Let me tell you why. People have an instintive
dread of hospitals^ and well may they have. Many
who enter therel never come out alive. You will
have no difficulty in persuading this lady that her
home is the right and proper place to remove the
growth."
In an instant all my fear and worry fled. Ral-
ston had promised to be my confederate, and it
was plain that I would experience little difficul-
ty in convincing my patient to be opetrated on at
home.
Ill
I came away from Dr. Ralston 's full of hope and
enthusiasm. It was a long time since I felt as I did.
In fact my feelinigs were pretty much as they were
when I received my sheepskin twenty years beifore.
I whifitlefd, I sang, I hopped along and acted gen-
erally like a schoolboy who's just received a holi-
day. My behaviour attracted considerable atten-
tion and I was given an ov/ation of side glances as
I hurfried home. But I was very oblivious of every-
body and everything save the five hundred dollars
I was going; to receive for the removal of a harm-
less little wart from a timid, diseased, frightened
woman. That was the biggest five I had ever ex-
tracted from anybody in all my life. And when I
thought of the dishonorable means I had used to
filch it from my (patient the little remnant of
shame I possessed caused me to blush. It was a
long time since; I had done that — not since I was a
boy. In my student days I was quite an adept in
the art. And I remember a kindly old professor
who sympathized with me and quoted hi^ idol So-
crates who one day came across a youth in Athens
who had the habit and reminded him that hei should
not be ashamed, "for such is the color of modesty."
But I 'blushed this time, not because I was modest,
my cheecks burned with shame because I had turn-
ed my back upon ideals that had been an inspira-
tion to me ; that had enabled mei to live nobly and
righteously for twenty years, and which I had in
a moment of weakness and despair trampled imder
foot and all for pelf, filthy lucre that never made
anybody happy in this world.
When I thought of what I had done I Avas so
angry I could have torn myself to pieces. It was
my better nature, my higher self crying out in
19
20 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
protest against my betrayal of finer instincts and
nobler impulses. At once 1 was conscious that i
still possessed a conscience that would administer
a sharp reprimand the moment I did anything
wrong. Immediately I became aware that the new
career I had decided to follow might brintgi me
worldly prosperity, but it held out for me little
serenity of mind. Still it seemed as though tJhe
new way was the right way after all. My mind
pondered on all the extenuating circumstances that
would justify my actions. Foremost among these:
was my long struggle for success that seemed to be
a "will o' the whisp". The prosperity and good
standing of my confreres who never had scruples
and stooped to all manner of trickery was another
argument urging me on, and by the time I reached
my office I had succeeded in silehcing that inner
mysterious voice that whispesrs unceasingly to the
souls of men. •
I was now a confirmed quack. I was not born
so. Nature intended me for somethinjg better, but
circumstances over which I ihad no more control
than a babe unborn had made me one. In a worldly
sense it represented prosperity. Freedom from pe-
cuniary worries was something I had never known.
All my life I had money difficulties. In my boy-
hood days^ in my student days I knew what it was
to be short of coin. I had such a long and familiar
acquaintance with it that it had no longer any hor-
rors for me. It bad smotheiped and throttled to a
(great extent my amibition. But beyond this it had
not injured me. I had put up a brave and manly
fight against it and failed. That was all.
As I sat down at the desk in the ©"ffice I thought
of the great and wonderful things I would do in the
future. I pictured myself rich, surrounded by
patronizing influential friends, courted and admir-
ed. I saw political honors betetowcd upon me, and
a vision of preferment and position in Natioaal
CIONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 21
Councils came to me. Such, dreams I had never
kno^vn in all my life. It paid to be a quack. It
brought splendid returns. Soon my name as a skill-
full, daring operator would spread. I would be
known far and wide. A professorship in a medical
college would be; offered me. Pupils would sit at
my feet and absorb my sapient sayings and obtain
inspiration and insight from my lectures. Patients
would flock to mei by the hundreds, and then when
I had drained the cup of human vanity to the very
dregs and drank to satiety I would i-^tire. I would
lean back on my honors and riches and look for-
ward with a sigh of relief to "the long, sweet sleep,
sleep without measure, without dreams and an a-
vrakening. ' '
IV
Whem I awoke from this dream of splendor and
grandeur I rubbed my eyes, polished my glasses
and looked about. Tkere, before me on my desk,
was the name and address of the lady on whom
I was to do my first operation. Strange, wasn 't it,
that I should sit in this very office for twenty years
and neve-r, until now, be asked to operate on any-
one? But I know the reason, and it was this very
knowledjgie that prompted ma to become a quack.
Ralston was toi be my assistant. My first and
greatest worry had been overcome. My next move
was to get into touch with the lady herself. Call-
ing her ovetr the telephone she asked me to drive
out in my mae'hine amd talk it ovesr with her. In
my machine, mind you. Now I was in a dilemma.
I had never owned anything beyond a few medical
books, old editions, and a second-hand bicycle I
had bought at a down town store. What was I
to do?
Immediately my hands went into my pockets.
They contained a jack knife, a bunch of keys. That
wasn't so bad. I could jingle the keys and make
noise. The last dollar I l^ad in the world was gione.
I had parted with my all for clothes, and my money
was well spent, as you will see a little further on
in this biography. I now thought of a garage I
had passed on my way from Ralston. There were
some splendid cars for hira there. I might man-
age to secure one of them. Bait right away a new
difficulty arose. Even thoujgih my neat appearance
and affable manners obtained me) the wish of my
heart, I would have to enlist the services of some
one to drive me out to where my patient lived, for
I was grossly ignorant of the machines that nearly
everybody found it easy and convenient to own.
22
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 23
Bight then and there something happehed that
seeined like the ans-wering of prayer. A boy drove
a 'beautiful ne^v auto to the curbing in front of my
door. In an instant I was in the street.
"Young man, would you do me a favor?" I said,
smiling pleasantly.
"What is it you want?" he asked,
"Drive me to Lake View Terrace as quickly as
you can. There's a sick lady there I must see."
Without waiting for a reply I climbed in and
sat down beside him.
"Your machine is being repaired, I suppose,"
he said as we went whirling along.
"Yes, there's been considerable delay. Just why
I don't know." I was a quack and it was second
nature for me to lie. "I have a serious operation
to do and at such times it isn't velry nice to have
one's machine in the repair shop."
"I should s«y not," replied the boy.
The lad was a careful driver. I was too much
engrossed with my own thouicjihts to ask him many
questions. Be^des I wanted to impress him with
my serious, dignified air, which would causie him
to beli'eve he was singularly honored in driving a
distinguished surgeon to his patient. Arriving at
the numlber I had ©iven him he brought the car
to a standstill. I thanked him, told him he would
not have' to wait long, and alighted. I ascended the
broad marble steps that led to my patient's home
and pressed tlL« bell.
I heard the shuffling of feet and presently the
door opened and a Chinese servant let me in. I
gave him my card. He read it. To my suirpnise
hei spoke perfect English. "You are Mrs. Gray-
son's doctor. Shei told me she expected you. She
is terribly u,pset about having to undergo an opeia-
tion. She dreads to (go to a hospital."
** There's no J'eason why she should leave her
home. We can do the work just as well rijght in
the house. It will savei hecr considerable money be-
sides. Would you be so good as to tell her I am
herei?"
The' Chinese, accustomed to obey, scuffed down
the hall and climbed the stairway. I knew my pa-
tient was on the floor above. I was now given a
few minutes to use my eyep and to bring to bear
my wonderfully well developed powers of observa-
tion. I saw at once that the home in which I was
an esteemed and invited guest belonged to peo-
ple of refinement and wealth. In style it was mod-
em, cemented on the« outside with low ceilings and
wide hallways. While I stood still admiring the
structure of the dwelling my mind drifted to Ral-
ston. Near me was the telephone. While awaiting
thei return of the Chinese who had gone to an-
nounce my arrival to Mrs. G^rayson I would ring
up my worthy colleague and acquaint him with
my whereaJbouts. I would insist upon him com-
ing to Mrs, Grayson's at once. I felt that I would
experience small difficulty in convincing the young
Chauffeur,, (sitting in his splendid carl that he
should bring Ralston to me immediately as he seem-
ed a youth of easy persuasion. So I quickly step-
ped out and whispered a few words of flattery, in
which I soon became wonderfully proficient, to my
24
3:^
Mrs, Gravson lived out on Lake View Terrace
(Pago 23)
26 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
newly made friend. He; proved to be a splendid
fellow, remarkably accommodating. I watched the
machine dash down Lake View Terrace and then
walked up the stejps.
In the hallway the Chinese awaited me with a
look of genuine alarm, on his face.
"I steped outside a moment. Sent my chauffeur
after Dr. Ralston. How is Mrs. Grayson?"
"Awful scared. Doesn't like the idea of getting
cut up," he replied.
"Nobody does", I answered evading his glance.
It was difficult for mei to keep a straight face. I
could have laughed outright as I thought of the
bluff I was going to make. But suddenly my sense
of humor vanished. It was replaced by noticeable
seriousness. What M'ould happen if Ihis simple,
confiding woman, who had all the confidence in
the world in ma, and who trusted me as no one else
on earth should discover that I was an imposter? It
was hardly probable she would, as she was a victim
of fear — a morbid hypochondriac, who. like a
drowning, man, grasps at a straw.
"Mrs. Gra.y!Son wants to seei you", said tke
Chinese.
I followed him up the broad, high stairway that
led to her room. I was soon in the presence of my
patient. I stood at hew bedside and as I studied
her wan, anxious face I felt like a sianlty criminal.
I had lied to that woman falselv. maliciously lied
and I had done so for money. How basip and igno-
ble! It was the meaoiest thing T had ever done,
the worst trick I had ever played. But I was a
quack. That was sufficieait justification, wasn't
it? In vain T tried to persuade mvs^.lf I had done
wrong. At leajst I had act^ed as others did. I had
taken advantage of an opportunity that had pre-
sented itself for a littlf easy money. It was all in
the eramei T had been fair and snnare Innfir enmierh.
While these* thoughts were running through my
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 27
mind Mrs. Grayson opened her eyes and smiled. It
was a faint, sickly smile, such as one sees in those
who have lost all hope and who are in thei grip of
awful despair.
"I'm so glad you've come. I'm nearly worried
to death. I have a horror of being cut up", she
moaned.
"Butchen-ed!" I exclaimed. As it was impossible
for me to control my mirth I lanj2:lud ])oisterously.
"That's right, laugh. I don't think you doctors
havel any feelings."
"You are mistaken. We are pretty much like
the rest of mankind. Now, Mrs. Grayson, don't
worry. Dr. Ralston will be here presently and be-
fore you know what has happened you will be rid
of that terrible cancer. ' '
As I said this I was careful to keep my eyete fast-
ened on the ceiling. A man might lie with his lips,
but his face would show it.
Suddenly the door bell rang. "Doctor Ralston 1"
I exclaimed. I breathed easier now. Soon every-
thing would be over. My own suspense and Mrs.
Grayson's anxiety would have an end. The first
otpeiration T had ever performed would be a suc-
cess and Ralston and myse^lf would have received
an ample fee.
Dr. Ralston walked into the room beaming and
smiling, but looking frightfully shabby. The only
suit he had on his back. He sur?ly had a seedy
appearance, but I don't think Mr^. Grayson notic-
ed it. Heir mind was tortured "vith phantoms of
fear. The question of style and the matter of ap-
pearance) did not interest her. Her one thouglht
was to get rid of the growth two unprincipled ras-
cals, posing as doctors, had told her was cancerous.
Ralston ospened his handba^g nnd began to ar-
rangei Imife, scissors, needles, bandages v.nd gauze
in a conspicoiis place in the room. I thoroughly
approved of this because T knew it was a capital
28 CONFESSIONS OP A QUACK
assert to impress the patient's mind that something
wonderful was being done. I saw at once he was
on the right track. He had made a (good beiginning
and like me would soon be traveling over the road
that led to suocess.
I took the Esmark inhaler and poured some chlo-
roform on it and placed it over Mrs. G-rayson's
nose. She took the anesthetic beautifully. She
soon fell asleep and I am sure in the realm of
dreams she entered, nobody had cancers and there
were no quacks.
The next thing to be done was the removal of
the harmless papiloma, that had been sort of a
beauty spot on Mrs. Grayson's neck. This was
very easily accomplished. A caustic pencil, the
good woman could have purchased at any drug
store for ten cents, did the trick. Ralston and I
put on a lot of gauzey and bandages, threw open
the windows to let in a supfply of fresh air and
sat down to patiently await the return of Mrs.
Grayson from the land of dreams to the world of
reality.
"The operation was beautifully and skillfully
done," said Ralston.
"Quit your kidding," I replied.
"Honestly, don't you feel ashamed?" asked Ral-
ston looking me straight in the face.
"I don't fclel abashed at all."
"You're hardened already."
"Glad I am. Won't go around with a troubled
conscience."
"It's easy to do this sort of thing. It takes a
little nervei at first, jbiut after the ice is broken it be-
comes as easy to lie as it is natural to tell the
truth."
"What, if we are found out?"
"No danger of that. We' re too clever."
Mrs. Grayson began to stir. She oneneid her
eves and smiled. But this time it wasn't a sickly
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 29
smile^ Her face had lost the suffering look. She
appeared happy and serene.
"Is lit all over?" she asked.
"Long ago. The operation was a great success,
I'm sure the cancer will not recuj-. You wili jivc
to be veary old. ' '
Shei offered me her hand. "Call the Chinese. I
want to pay you."
Ralston stepped out.
"I'll remember both of you as long as I live."
"Thank you," I said.
"I'm in a position to send you many patients."
"I'm glad to know it."
The Chinese and Ralston entered.
"Give these igientlemen the check; it is on the
desk."
The Chinese pulled down the lid of the escritore
and handed me the) slip of paper. It was the big-
gest fee I had e^^er earned and I had acquired it
by lying. It certainly paid to be a quack.
"Mrs. Grayson, we aire' much obliged for the
prompt settlement. The fee is amplei, all we could
expect. Rest quietly in bed and we'll drop in to
see you tomorrow moming."
Ralston and I bowed and walked out. But the
automobile that had brought us to Mrs. Grayson's
was gonei. The younig chauffeur had grown im-
patient waiting and had driven away.
VI
Ralston and I walked along in silence. We were
thmituig. And our thougiits were in quite differ-
ent chaiinels than when wei last met. We were
pondemug on the sudden good fortune that had
come to us. We had made a start. We had taken
the step that would lead us far from poverty and
dependencu. It would now be milk and honey for
us and our pathway tliroufgih life would have pleas-
ant scenes. What fools we had been! We had
wasted precious years in being slaves to ideals.
What had ethics donq for us ? bureiy they had not
helped us in any way that we could see. They had
kept us down at the bottom rniiig of the lad-
der wheal there was plenty room at the top, and it
was easy climbing if you only knew how.
It had taken us years to discover what most of
men find out in a few months, and neither of us
were slow of comprehension. In school we were
said to hav€( a wide glancing intelligence and brill-
iant things were predicted of us. if our teachers
could only see us now, what would they say ? We had
trampled under foot the principles they had held
inviolable and sacred. We had turned the noble
healinigi art into a money getting business where ly-
ing and stealing were the all important and neces-
sary accomplishments. We had debased our pro-
fession. We were a dishonor to th/e calling, and,
best of all, knew it. That was the Great Secret
between us. And both of us swore with an oath
the world would never know. But what if we
were found out. Thei thought filled us with pain-
ful apprehension. There was danger that success
might caust us to disregard the law of caution. We
might get bold, arrogant and defiant and that
would be our undoing. We had not forgotten the
30
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 31
Btory of Mesmer and other equally famous medical
fakers who, after enyoing unprecedented success,
lost prestige and died in daspair. Ther« was need
of prudence in everything we said and did.
Suddenly Ralston stopped and stared wildly at a
newspaper lying in the middle of thei street.'
"Look! Read what it says!" he exclaimed,
clutching me by the arm.
"Outbreak of Spanish Influenza! One thousand
cases reported at Health Office ! ' '
"MonDieu!" I shouted. "Don't you see what
that means for us ? "
"Plenty of work and no pay," Ralston replied.
"If we did business at the old stand. But now
we have a new line to hand them."
"What's that?"
"No money, no treatment."
Ralston laughed. "It's strangei how quickly one
can learn the tricks of the trade."
"There's no time for gadding with this epidemic
raging all around. Ralston, go home and dress up.
Honor your calling. It is a noble one, you know.
If I get stuck and need you, I know where you are.
Ta ta, for the present. Remember now a discreet
tongue. Good-'bye."
I turned away in loathing and disgust from the
man who had beon my pal in a crooked deal.
VII
Arrivmgi at my otiice I sat down and thought.
The waves o± memory carried me back to all the
quacks and charlatans i had ever known, i re-
called, stories 1 had heard about them, i remembear-
ed anecdotes told me of them. And aiter i had
weigiied and anlyzed their short comings and cie-
i'Ucts, there was only one conclusion 1 could reach.
1 was like none of them, i differed from them in
every respect. There was no similarity whatever
betweten us. All of them, without exception, were
delinquents. They Avere sadly defective, while I
was normal in every way. Each and everyone of
them had began early to practice deception, and
were by natuire 'born prevaricators, while 1 was
truthful, honest, upright and had become a quack
by sheter force of circumstances.
Given an opportunity and a start in life I would
no more have thought of becoming a quack than
I would have planned to commit suiciide. But I
had reached such a point in my checkered career
that it seemed the only possible solution of the
problem that confronted me. The great question
with me ever since ,gfraduating was how to get on
honorably. I had tried long and hard. 1 had been
kind and courteous to all. I had cultivated af-
falbdlity of manner and cheerfulness of mind, and
all to no purpose. It seemed as though I could 'nt
attract. It looked as though I lacked the qualities
that win and hold and was thereifore doomed to
failure.
God alone knows the depth of my despair.
Through lonely days and sleepless nights I brooded
over it^ until at last I oould stand it no longer. And
thlen all of a sudden it seemed as though a strange
light burst in on my darkened consciousness show-
32
CONIb^SSIONS OF A QUACK 33
ing me the way. I would become a quack, a boast-
ful, deceitful, dishonest, lying pretender. It makes
me almost dizzy when 1 think o£ it. My brain
reels as I recall the deterioration that took place
in my character. I who had never willfully told a
lie, now found it easy, seemingly natural to utteor
falsehoods. I who had been modest and unassum-
ing became bold and overbearinp. I who had been
charitable, became heartless and merciless. I who
had been benevolent, had been transformed by som«
evil igenii into an unfeeling monster whose avarice
was limitless, and who took a fiendish delight in
inflicting pain and witnessing acts of cruelty.
Better by far to have stayed in my dingy old
office with its faded fnesco and obsolete etching,
its dusty shelves, thireadbare carpets and musty
sinell. Infinitely preferable to that condition of
mind and heart success brought me.
My musing was broujght to a sudden termintr-
tion. The door bell had rung and as I was a full
fledged quack my first duty was to cease useless,
senseless moralizing and get down to business.
My visitor proved to be a Jew, a very respectable
looking Jew at that. As I was a quack it was my
business to ascertain as best I could his financial
standing.
A rather hasty survey of his peirsonality enabled
me to form a fairly accurate estimate of him. I
inferred he was a prosperous merchant and sub-
sequettit visits proved I was right. He was neatly
dressed as beicomes any well to do business man.
"Are you the doctor " he asked, looking me
over.
"I'll have to plead guilty," I replied.
"Then, for Moses sake, come across the way.
My daughter is very ill."
"What seiems' to be the trouble?" I asked.
"That's what I'd like to know," he answered
evasively. ■ ' • ! !^1
My visitor proved to be a Jew, a very respectable
looking Jew at that. (Page 33)
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 35
iiight away 1 knew 1 was up against a case where
qjuacKisn meinods wouia nave lo ue cauiiousiy ap-
pned. Esp-ecialiy wouia i have to bei caretui wnen
It came to the money tjide. My Semitic jpatitnt
would surely prove astute when 1 tackled ihim a-
long those lines. I couldn't put one over on him
like i did on Mrs. Grayson.
"I hope^ it isn't the Flue," I said.
"If it was as simple as! all that I would not have
come alter you," he replied.
I decided to do no moirei talking but keep my
eyes and ears open. The Jew's home was just
around the corner, a place 1 had passed hundreds
of times and never thought it worth whiLe to in-
quire who lived there, and without ever thinking
i would be called upon to make a diagnosis.
I hurried up the steps close to the heels of a new
member of my clientele and entered. Insidei I
sensed a peculiar odor. It wasn't the nasty smell
one detects in old buildings where^ sunsMne and
fresh air are unknown; neither was it the odor of
anything I was familiar with. It was an aroma
uniquei and distinctive,, something peculiar itself.
There was no adjective I could think of that would
describe it, and immediately it occured to me that
I might make usel of it to my pecuniary advantage.
Since the alarming spread of the Sipanish Influemza
thei people wetre in a condition bordering on hys-
terical fnenzy. They were ready to bolieve any-
thinig'. I would use my inventive powers, coin a
name and announce the presettice of a new plague.
And to confirm the diagnosis I would call in Doc-
tor Ralston whose reputation had grown somewhat
since our operation on Mrs. Grayson. I smiled as
I thought of my cUnning and resourcefulness, and
chuckling with glee I entered the sick chamJber of
my new patient.
Bieforei me was, the most beautiful -girl I had
ever seen. Talk about stage beauties and rave a-
36 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
bout moving picture stars ! That girl had it all over
them. She reminded me of a Madonna oJ: JJaphael.
Such exquisite perfection of feature and beautiful
blending of ooUor I had never seen. Her forehead,
neck and shoulders were of marble whiteness; her
cheieks were tinted like a ro«e. Her hair was as
black as a raven's feathers, and her eyes, shaded
by long lashes wera of the deepest blue. She laid
perfectly still seetningly unconscious of my pres-
ence.
"She's been that way all day," her father said.
I placed my ear to her chest and listened to the
beating of her heart, heir father all the while watch-
ing me closely and trying to read my finding* in
the lines of my face.
Carefully, painstakingly I examined her, but I
found nothing wrong. 1 could not explain her at-
titude of listlesness. Immediately I remcimbered I
was a quack. If I were true to my calling I would
not be expected to makei a correct diagnosis. All
that would 'bei required of me would be to lie. Tra-
dition, experience, the common consent of man-
kind demanded it of me. I had begun that way,
I would cftid that way and nobody would know it,
but my confederate and collea^gue.
"This is the new plague that's just appeared".
The words were no sooner out of my mouth than
the Jew fevll on his knees. He grasped his daugh-
ter's hand and whisperel words of endeanneint to
her. I was only a quack, a man with sympathy
for nobody, who thought of nothing beyond the
filching of money from the pockets of credulous
and unfortunate people, yet as I stood there a silent
witness to this display of fatherly love and devo-
tion I was painfully conscious of something chock-
ing m'e. My natural feelings were trying to assert
themselves. A battle was being waged between
stoicism and pity, with overwhe/lming defeat star-
ing the former in the face.
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 37
(('
'It's eontagious", I shouted; "get up."
Immediately the Jew was ©n his feet. With a
look of despair on his face he drew back. He thrust
out both hands to me appealingly.
"Cune heo"! Save hetr! You must! She's all I
have to live for. And see how beautiful she is.
Poor little Rachel!" And he began to sob as though
his heart would break.
Oncet more I was quack, a merciless, heartless
charlatan, hard as steel, greedy and a monster in
lying.
"I can cure her, but my charges will be rather
steep," I replied.
"I don't care what they are. I'm not a poor
man, I can pay."
"But first of all I must bring a very able con-
sultant."
"That's right. Two heads are better than one."
"His fees are somewhat high, too."
"I don't mind. Bring him here at once."
I turned away from the bedside where lay beau-
tiful Rachel and hurried down to Ralston 's to tell
him all about the new fish I had caught.
VIII
When I arrived at Ralston 's I found him greatly
changed. Ho was well dressed and had the air and
manner of a prosperous physician. I could see he
was a little surprised at my coming. It was evident
he didn't expect me. He listened attentively to
what I had to say and asked many questions about
the Jew and his daughter who were now enrolled
as my patients. I was aware that he took more
than casual interest in Rachel and believed he was
anxious to accompany me to the home; of her father.
As I sat and studied thei man who was now my tool
and partner in all my lying and stealing, a strong
aversion for him came over me. Here ajgain was
proof and evidence that my better nature and
higher self were not extinct. A few fragments of
shattetned ideals that had guided me over a career
of honorable failure might still be gathered togeth-
er that would make of me the semblance of a man.
But I laughed as I thouight of it. I had bt^m to
go down hill and nothing could now save me from
the precipice at the bottom.
The man whose guest I was had not start-ed me.
I could not blame him for that. Chafing under dis-
couragement I had taken the initiative alone and
had gone and enticed him to do likewise. Ralston
might have jnst cause for resentnient against me.
I had none for him.
"You're a lucky fellow to get another good ca«*e
so soon," said Ralston.
"It seems that way, doesn't it?"
"I wonder if it will pay us as well as that ojpera-
tion." ; ^' '!
The word "operation" caused me to laugh. Op-
erations ! Neither of us knew anything about them.
Wo had no books on surigiery. frequented no hos-
38
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 30
pitals and were as ignorant as a crocodilei oif tech-
nique. We had a few old instruments somewhat
rusty from neglect and non use. We wouldn't know
an appendix if We saw it. Little wonder we were
failures. We hadn't looked inside the books for
years, and in the old days when the necessity of
passing examinations made us study we spent more
time than was good for us examining charts and
pictures. Long ago we had drifted into a don't
care attitude, the result ctf which was that we would
have starved to dead if we hadn't decided to be-
come quacks.
"There's plenty of money in it for both of us if
we can scare the old man and iget the girl on her
feet," T replied.
"Let's get buvsy and try."
"That's what I say. Ralston, keep a straight
face while T talk about the new Plague. The peo-
ple are scared. There's no denying it, and there's
good cause for their alarm. You know that all
right. This Jew has money, plenty of it. Wo must
get some of it. Wei 're not igloing to hit him over
the head. That would be brutal. There's no need
of resorting to such tactics. All we have to do Is
to look wisip. use a few technical words he doesn't
know the meaning of, and give his lovely dauerhter
a harmless mixture we oould safelv administerr to
a baby. Observe thp results. Old mau Shylock
uutiP'S bis purse strings and you and T have climb-
ed another rung in the ladder of success.
"T hope it is as 'easy as you say. But I have, a
pretty thorouisrh knowledge of Jews. They are a
peoiple not easily deceived."
"There I agtfee with you. But here's how we'll
get the bfittJer of the Jew's acumen. He has won-
derful Inve for his child. He's devoted to her.
She's all he has to live for. Without her his money
and jewels mean nothing to him. Tf she were to
40 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
fall a victim of this new Plague. . . " I paused to
suppress a laugh; "hei would be brokenhearted.
Life would not be worth livinig. Our game is
simple. A child could tell you what it is. We are
to do our worst or 'best, whichever way you wish
to put it, to convince him that his daughter is very
ill. We are to prescribe' for her something simple
and Jiarmless, of course. As she improves we are
to claim that our treatment did the work and you
will need have no fear about the girl's father pay-
ing us."
"You certainly have it all figured out."
"As a general plans his campaign. Come, let's be
going."
I took Ralston by tha arm and led him down the
street. I felt young, buoyant, experienced no
qualms of conscience at the thought of what T was
about to do and was happy because I was a quack.
IX
Brisk walking soon brought us to our destina-
tion. Wie found to our great joy the lovely Rachel
much improved. She was sittinig up in bed and
her father was kneeling beside her, fanning her.
As we entered Ralston smotheired an exclamation
of surprise. He had saien beautiful women, plenty
of fchem, but he was willing to swear this Jewess
was the finest creature he had ever laid eyes on.
And mind you hf| was gazing on hier in the throes
of an alarming fatal disease. At least I had said
so a little before. And according to current opinion
I was a skilful physician and should know.
"She seems much better, Doctor," he saiid. rising
and bowing to Ralston.
"It is velry aparent she is. But don't be misled
by this temporary improvement."
Thie old man's face darkened. I had taken from
him, as it were the crutch on which he leaned for
support.
"It is quite typical and characte*ristie of the dis-
ease. People are buoyed up with the hope of a
speedy recovery when alas! their hopes prove
illiv?ive."
He gave my words the closest attention.
"I don't want to frighten you or destroy your
hopes. Dr. Ralston and myself have seen cases
like this before. We've learned from experience
that it pays to be guarded in one's prognosis. "We
nreifor not to express an opinion until tom.orrow.
By that time the crisis will have occurred. In the
meantimei we ^nll leave some tablets which you are
to give her accordiner to directions."
I placed a box of C. C. Pills on the table. Mv
manner was grave. I carriied myself w^i^l anr? T
knew th^ Jew and hi« dnughter wero profonndlv
41
42 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
impressed with everything I said and did. Dr.
Ralston had walked over to the* window and was
lookinigi out on the panorama of action in which he
had done so little.
"It is costumary to setttle with the consultant."
Immediately Ralston turned around.
"As your daughter's case is serious I am afiraid
our fee will appear a little laige. But wei are
going to do you a igireat favor. We don 't intend to
report the case. If we did you would be quarantin-
ed. That would entaal hardship and suffering on
you. The fe^e, including that of my consultant, will
be five hundreld dollars."
The old man shrugged his shoulders. His daugh-
ter h^ared her head hack on the sofa and sighed.
"Doctors cost pretty near as much as diamonds,"
said the old man as he sat down at his desk and
wrote out the check.
In two days Ralston and I made a thousand dol-
lars. That was the most money we had ever seen
together in all our life!. And we had earned it easi-
ly too. By fraud and deception wel had acquired
it and neither of us w'as ashamed. There were
tricks to all trades. We had made the most of
them in our line. We could boast and hrag a little
now. Five hundred dollars in one's pock-ets makes
all the difference in the woirld in a man. I began
to think life was worth living. It wasn't such a
bad game after all. A little money changed my
viewpoint on ever>'thin|gi. It gave me new and dif-
ferent ideas on all subjects. I was beginning to
lose a good deal of my pessimism. The optimism
I had when a boy was coming back to mei. As T
glanced at my reflection in the mirror I imagined
that I looked younger. And people everywhere
congratulated me on my improved appearance. I
noticed, too, that many went out oif their way
to mieet me, and I was receiving smiles and nods
from men and w^omen who formerly didn't think
it worth while to notice me. All of whioh made me
believe we are living in a strange world where no-
body looks beyond appearances and that worldly
prosperity commands respeict and good will of
men.
But what a fraud 1 was ! If they only knew me,
what would tbiey think and say ! Here I was pos-
ing as an ethical doctor and passing as an accom-
plished physician and skillful surgeon, when, as a
matter of fact, I wias a quack, an imposter, a
charlatan and fakir. And the only reason I "got
by" and the countrefeit wasnt't discovered was
because I dressed ■wiell. had unlimited gall and
could give Ananias points in an art that in modem
43
44 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
society is considered quite a necessary accomplish-
ment.
How long would I keep on acting? That was
the question I found myself asking. I might be
discovered and exposed. It might happen any time.
It could occur soon. Perhaps by beiinu- c-.trct'nl a
year or two would elapse l>efare people would find
me out. By keeiping within the law I could carry
on my business unmolested. Blit the ghost of fear
began to haunt me. People will talk. It is human
nature to do so. No man can count on having
everyone his frieind. So I, like the rest of man-
kind, had enemies. In common with them I learn-
ed that there were people "knocking" me. It was
just as I expected. Jealousy and selfishness under-
llied it. The doctors were watching me. My sud-
den prosperity and success surprised them. All
kinds of rumors were afloat. Some said I had been
left a legacy; others declared I had married a rich
widow, and for reasons best known to myself, was
witholdinig. the lady's name from the public. It
amused me greetly to hear what was being said.
I contrived to keep out of the doctors way as much
as possible. They nevier had much love for me,
anyway. I didn't join the Medical Society and
held myself aloof from all of them. I was about
as popular with them as a skunk is in the chick-
en coop. Theiy had no use for me because I was
poor and didn't get on. But there's an old saying
that every dog has his day, and I sure was having
mine. Patients begian to come by the hundreds. I
couldn't answer half the calls I had. Those that
looked doubtful I sent to Ralston. He was greedy
and would run anywhere if thetre was a chance of
getting a dollar. For all my "Flu" cases I pre-
scribed calomel and quinine. Over and over again
I wrote pescriptions for thesei two useful drugs.
I became sick and tireld of doing so and it was not
easy for me to keep from smiiling as oti'? of my
OONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 45
paticaits would drop in to see me, plank down two
dollars and ask for a preventive agiainst the" Fiu".
1 would take my blank out of my pocket and as
fast as my taigers would go 1 'd write down the mild
chloride of mercury and good old sulphate of qui-
nine. Of course, occasionally I'd order aspirin tab-
lets, but dt wasn't velry often.
When the epidemic was over I had a big pile of
currency and a sack of silver to show for my troub-
le. I had good luck with all my cases whicih in-
creased my reputation and strenghtened the peo-
ple's belief in my possiession of knowledge and
skill. I oould now play thet role of quack in a
bolder and more defiant way. By this time I had
acquired a brisk manner that inclined most o(f
people to leave me alone. I assumed an aloofness
that was wholly unnatural to mie. I was a Demo-
crat by nature. 1 hadn't a particle of use for
aristocracy and despised those who mimicked its
ways and adopted its airs. Yet hare was I practic-
ing what I didn't preach, doing things I believed
in not doing and making as big a fool of myself
generally as is possible for a human bein intoxicat-
ed with success to do. And it all came from me
beinigi a quack. It was the natural sequence and
logical outcome of it.
One day, shortly after Ralston and I cleaned up
the five hundred for setrvices as related, rendered
the daughter of a wealthy Jew. a lady stylishly
dressed came into my office. At first glance she
seemed not unlike the many other patients who eon-
suited me. But a little closer scrutiny on my part
revealed the fact that she was wholly different from
any of themi. She had the subdued air of a woman
whose spirit was broken and who had known a
close acquaintance with grief and sorrow. Despite
this she was decidedly pretty. She spoke with for-
■eign accent in a low sweet voice. I'll remember it
always. I could easily distinguish it anywhere.
46 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
And right now, as 1 sit here writing these " Con-
fessions " 1 hear it. 1 imagine such a voice is given
to one in a miiiion. 1 couid listen to it forever.
'Doctor, I Avant yon to coine and see my son.
Something is the matter with him. What it is I
don't know. But I'm nearly distracted because of
it. Can you come right away ? ' '
' ' I can go this very instant, right with you if you
don't mind", 1 replied.
1 escorted the little woman down the stairway
and out into the stretet. Not for a moment did i
foijgiet 1 was a qiuack. This woman and her sick
son had only one interest for me, namely, to de-
ceivie, and fool them and turn their fears to my own
pecuniary advantage.
1 experifciice no shame in admitting it. I was
callous and hardened. I had lost the last vestige
of honor. 1 was an unscrupulous, uupriucipied char-
latan. As wei walked along there was one thought
in my mind and that was |how I might get an
ample fee for the services I was to render. So I
began adroitly enough by asking a few questions
that would give me an insigjit into my newly ac-
quainted patient's finances.
"I suppose* your husband is in business?" I
asked.
"I have no husband. I am a widow."
"Your sick son is your support I presume."
"Gracious, no. I am quite* beyond the need of
assistance from anyone."
"I see. Well to do. How fortunate! It is nice
to be in comfortable circumstances."
"It is to say thet least very convenient."
"Quite so."
I lapsed into a thoughtful silence. I wished to
know no more. I could charge a big fee but would
I get it ? I would on one condition only. If I were
clever eniough to scarel her and make it alppear
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 47
that 1 had cured her son i kuew she- would pay
me whatever 1 asked.
•'How long has your son been ill?" I asked, hop-
ing she would teii me everything, so that i could
play thti game of imposter without tear of ex-
posure.
•"Since yesterday."
"Confined to is bed?"
' ' Yes. ' '
"Any fever?"
' ' Yes. His temperature is very high, ' '
"Headache and backache as well?"
"Yes. He complains most of that."
"My good woman, iie has symptoms of the
Plague."
She reeled and would have fallen if I hadn't
caught her in my arms. I chuckled as I thought of
it. How clevier I was ! How thorough my know-
ledge of human nature ! How tactful and diplomat-
ic for me to say that ! Those few words of mine
had called into beingi a legion demons of fear.
This little woman with the sweet musical voice and
subdued air was iii a frame oi mind to believe any-
thing. The absurd and incredible were things quite
alike. She had lost all power of distinction. Her
selnse of logic and the sequence of cause and effect
meant nothing to her now.
"But I can cure him," I shouted, shaking her.
"Cure him! Of course you can. That's why I
am bringing you to him", she added diying her
eyes.
"My charges will be somewhat high," experience
taught me it was always well to say this.
"I don't care what they arei. My son is more to
me than all the money in the world."
"That's the way for a real mother to think and
feel. I suppose he has been a dutiful son."
"A joy and comfort to me. The thought of los-
ing him is breaking my heart."
48 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
She began to we«p bitterly.
"Come don't cry," I said patting her on the back.
"I'll soon have him up and well."
She stopped crying and looked up. Before us
was a beautiful home with a fine garden shade
trees and an abundance of flowers.
"This is where I live. Come in."
I heard the heavy iron gate creak on its hingrea
and with a jaunty air and buoyant manner 1 tiptoed
over the graveled pathway that led to her door.
Surely some benigm goddess was presiding over
my affairs. I don't imagine another human being
had such a streak of good luck in thii world. In
th-e space of few days I had gecured in rapid suc-
cession three important cases that replenished my
deple/ted purse and gave me prestigte and pro-
fessional renown.
I found my patient resting on a sofa in the par-
lor. He was a handsomie youth of twenty and one
hasty glance told me the boy was suffering from
a heavy cold. But I was a quack. I wasn't born
one, but had become so by choica. So the only
thing! for mei to do was to lie. And I did so as
fast as I could. I felt it was my duty to do that.
There was a nice big fee at stake and the gettinj^
of it all de{)ended upon my ability to speak un-
truths
"Madam I'm sorry to say he has the pneumonic
plague," I said.
' ' The plague ! ' ' she ^gasped.
"But it is not necessarily fatal. You've called
me in early. There 's a great deal in that you know.
We can cut short the disease. But I must have a
consultant. The case is too serious for me to handle
alone."
The boy turned and gave me a look. I'll never
forget that .glance as long as I Hve. It said more
in the way of reproach than all the wcrds he might
utter. Scorn and contempt were in it and all the
CONFESSIONS OP A QUACK 49
kate of fraud that was in his young heart. H*
knew I was lying. He Teoo-gnizeid me ag an im-
poster and when he got well I could count on him
as an open enemy. Suddenly fear came over me.
Perhaps I would meet my Waterloo in this smooth
faced boy, whose mother's love and fear I had
taken advantage of to lie and steal. For the first
timei I became aware that there were people in
the world who could detect the mask of hypocrisy
I wore and some of them were very young.
"May I use your telephone," I asked.
''Certainly. It is right in the hallway," she
replied.
This bit of information caused a tremor to pass
over me. The thought flashed through my mind
that the moment I left the room that boy would
•onfide his suspicion in his mother. There vrtm
only one chance in a thousand that he wouldn't. If
he did I would know it the moment I entered the
parlor. It now occurred to me that I should not
have asked for a consultant. In doing so I had
blundered, made a grave mistake. But it was
too late to rectify it. I must make the best of a
bad situation. With a look of defiance on my face
I walked out of the room and soon found myself
conversing with Dr. Ralston.
He regarded my predicament from a humorous
standpoint. My embarrassing position with my
reputation as a gientleman of honor at stake, ap-
peared to him in the nature of a joka. It might
be funny to him but it was a mighty serious piece
of business for me.
He promised to ©ome at once. I knew that it
wasn't that he felt sorry for me or cared a rap
if I were found out. But it was greed that urged
him to make haste and in the shortest possible^
time to be at my side. He was thinking of the foe
and not of me. My compromising stand didn't
Interest or worry him in the least.
50 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
"Dr. Ralston will be berei directly and we can
both make a thorougii examination and arrive at
an accurate diagnosis," I said as I entered. I
was careful to avoid the boy's gaze but somehow
or other I contrived to discover that his eyes were
boring' into me. Their light was burning into my
very soul. They were accusing me, blaming me
foT what I was. They were doing m.ore than this.
They wera appealing to me to reform. If Ralston
would only come! What wouldn't I give to have
the consultation over! I never felt so ill at ease
and uncomfortable in all my life. The short time
I had to wait seemed an eternity.
Alas, all that I lanticipated happened! The boy's
mother assumed immediately an attitude of indif-
ferences to me. Her manner was chilling. She
showed little disposition to carry on a conversation
and naturally I felt awkward and embarrassed. In
the midst of my perplexity the door bell rang. I
sighed with relief. My suffering would soon be
over.
Dr. Ralston came in smiling. He shook my hand
-warmly and bowed politely to the boy's mother.
"Dr. Ralston, we have another case of pneumon-
ic plague. It is very typical. The symptoms are
quite characteristic. Is there anything you can
suggest 1 ' '
"Nothinigi more than you have already done."
"Neither of you have done anything at all," pro-
tested the angry boy.
"Sat around and talked," corrected his mother.
Her voice which had held me spellbound with
its musical cadence was now harsh and strident.
She was incensed to the very core. She was boil-
ing over with wrath and indignation. Ralston
and I saw that a storm wa.s about to break.
"Clear out of here. You're a pair of quacks,"
Khe shouted, making for us.
We beat a haste retreat, fongetting to ask for
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 51
our fee, glad to escape the tlcws we so justly
deserved.
XII
"Sttrngi!" exclaimed Ralston when we* reached
the street. j ! '
"Good and hard and early in the game," I
Implied.
"We ran u^) against two we couldn't fool.
"We'll irieet more of them before we're through."
"We'll have to be' mKxre careful the next time."
"That's what I say."
"Won't it be awful if this gets outf" said Ral-
■ton.
"The worst thing that could ever happen. And
it all comes from not being careful. I mi^ht have'
known these two wei*e not fools. Just think of
the fee I lost. Why didn't I use better judge-
ment in what I said and did?"
"Why didn't you! I think I can answer you.
Ton were in too much haste. It was the thought
of the fee that upset you. You saw five hundred
in easy reaoh and lost your head."
"I iguess that explains why I acted as i did.
But I learned a good deal that will come in handy
in our next case. YouVe got to study your pat-
ients well. You can't handle intelligent people
«s you do ignorant ones. They won't swallow all
you say. You've got to hand them something
plausible. The pills you givie have to be more
than sugar coated."
"Well said. The comparison is a good one,"
•aid Ralston.
Suddenly a great n<yis9 reached us. I looked at
Ralston. He was deathly pale.
"What is it?" I asked.
*'A clash between the strikers' and the police."
Mve days before all the shipyards and the Key
Route System had gone on strike. Thousands of
52
CONFESSIONS OP A QUACK 53
men had waikeid out. Transbaj traffic was badly
crippled. There was a complete tieup of ail tii«
car lines. For a while it seemied as tihough boiu
sides might reach some kind of a settlement. But
that hope was now gone. It would be a fight to
the finish.
Hei-e was Kalston's chance and mine to distinguish
ourselves. We were both known to be friends of
organized labor. In our more obscure and leai
prosperous days, having much time and few patient*
we had attended every political meetiug where the
wrongs of the working man wera explained and
the proper remedy proposed. But since becoming
successful practitioners w^e preferred vciy much
not to be around political meetings. There wertf
many reasons for this. But the main cause wm
we didn't see any money in sight at such gathecr-
ings and as we were quacks and out for the mazum*
w€ concluded the best thing we could do was to
stay home and look out for victims. However,
whether in public or in private we managed to
maintain an attitude of sympathy for the workers.
Of course, we knew the side ouv bread was buttered
on. Most of our patients belonged to the working
class, and whatever people might say about us
no one could accuse us of being unloyal to those
who produced the wealth of the world. We might
be quacks. In the minds of many people there
was no question about it. But no one could be
found who could offer any proof or evidence that
we were other than true and loyal friends to the
men now on strike.
The tumult had increased. Curses, groans and
hisses filled the air. Automobiles and motorcycles
dashed by. Men and women ran tlhrough the
streets pale and dishereled.
"Look!" exclaimed Ralston pointing down the
street.
I tum^ mj eyes in the direction indicated.
54 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
'xiiere were men in the twentieth ceUituiy oi no
called (Jiiristian civilization pumituediing one an-
otJier like a pack of lunatics or blood tnirsty
Apache Indians. Th-ey fought, they cursed, they
yeiltd. They blasphemed and uttered grossly ob-
scene words and hurled vile epithets at their as-
sailants, 'J'hey bled like stuck pigs and battled
against overwhelming odds with bull dog persist-
ence. All the primitive instincts of prehustoric man
had leaped to th^ surface and e|Lfaced the finer,
sotter feelings that centuries of culture had im-
planted. It was a spectacle little calculated to en-
noble anyone, and it had a depressing effect on
both of us.
"Our services arei badly needed down there,"
1 said. L..^-j^
"That's very true. But will we get any pay?"
asked Ralston.
"You're a reigular quack," I replied.
"So are you."
He spit out the words and gave me a menacing
look. 1 had hurt his feelings. I had cut him to
the quick. It didn't always pay to tell the truth.
We ran down the street and only stopped when
further travel was beset with perils. As long as
I livei I'll not forget the scene that confronted us.
Several cars had been demolished and broken glass,
trolley poles, fragments of shattered platforms were
strewn all around. It rejminded me of a battle-
Held wihen the detonation of* eaiiiion ceases and
the smoke clears away. But this wasn't the worst,
not by a long shot. As we; moved a short dis-
tance from this debris of vsrreckage, we camel face
to face with several officers of the law. They
were stalwart fellows, splendid specimens of man-
hood and stood like silent sentinels o\»r thet pros-
trate forms of several strickers bleeiding and un-
conscious in the ground.
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 55
Seeing us one of them, presumably a Sargeant,
stepi}er(l forward. •
'•fou ieiiows arei Doctors. Examine these men
and teli us how badly they are hurt."
He spoke with a strong Celtic accent and there
was a ring of authority in his voice. That man
was accustomed to being obeyod. When he said
a thing he m^eant it. There was no mistaking that.
it didn't take long for Ralston and myself to
come to a conclusion as to what was best to do.
And for once we would be honest. It wasn't be-
cause we liked to be on the square, we had to be.
intj all seeing eye of the law was on us.
But here was our chance to distinguish our-
selves. This was an opportunity that didn't come
our way every day. And we would get newspaper
advertising tiiat might increase our clientele and
swell the sum total of our earnings. So it seemed
most fortunate that w(. should happen to come a-
long at an opportune time.
"Kalston let's get busy. And no monkey bus-
iness this time," I said pulling off my coat and
rolling up my sleeves.
We examined the first victim who had fallen
in the battle waged by organized labor against
capitalist monopoly and found that he had sus-
tained a fracture of the skull, had innumerable
abrasions and contusions and had lost all resemblan-
ce to a human being in the nK^lee that had just
ended. His face had been beaten to pulp. His eyes
were closed, lips swollen. His ribs were broken
and the bones of both arms and legs as well.
"That follow received the worst mauling I've
ever seen," said Ralston lying the unfortunate
man gently on the ground.
"No hope for him I suppose," said the officer.
"I'm afraid there isn't," I replied.
The next victim fared scarcely any better. He
was black and blue from head to foot. All his
5« CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
teeth were eared in. There was an ugly gtmh o«
top of his head from which flowed a erimson flood
that had gathered in a pool near where he lay.
"There's no use in examinimgi the rest of them.
All have received fatal injuries. It seems a pity
to let them linger this way, although unconscious-
ness has thrown the mantle of sweet oblivion over
them," I said.
Ralston and I washed our hands, put on our
coats and turned away. For the first time since
we had become quacks we had given our profess-
ional opinion and not asbed for our fee.
XIII
Ralston and I walked away, iilent and thought-
ful With weighty mattery that occupi-ed oux minds.
What we had seen impressed us mightJy and it
had made as think. We were living in a t'.me of
perplexity. Great material forces long held on re-
straint liad been let loose, industrial unionism
had mat&hed its strength against the cunning and
native intelligence of capitalist oppression, and ex-
ploitation, Thei workers of the world had risen.
In the might and strenght of conscious right thej
had forced their way to the front. And the whole
universe' seemed to be listening to their wrong*
and pointing out to them the means of redrest.
There was no dodging of the issue. It was folly to
try and get away from it. The truth was before
us. We /saw it and recognized its meaning. We
gave it the right and proper interpretation and even
though we were quacks and thought only of pelf
our hearts were full of fear and our minds dis-
turbed by painful apprehension. Neither of us
were religious. We would hardly have been quacks
if we were. But we saw something supernatural
in what was happening about us.
A spirit of unrest pervaded the world. Off cials and
men who held the destinies of nations in their hands
were troubled and perplexed. Corruption had invad-
ed high places. Sin and evil evei'ywhero prevaile(i.
Selfishness and greed were dominant factors in
life. And all looked forward to something to hap-
pen that would change existinpr conditions and
purge socierty of its hellish evils.
Ralston and I had fallen in line. In becomiing
quacks we had done nothing more culpable and
reprehensible than the rest of mankind. Every-
body was dishonest and insincere. Why should we
57
58 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
be different from the rest ? It was all in the game,
the- strange game called Life. We didn't know
why we were here and didn't care. We had awak-
ened to consciousness in a world where lying and
stealing were considered necessary accompUsh-
mente, where men made money the God they wor-
shipped. And to get it we early learned that many
of these poor specimens of fallen man would stoop
to acts at which the brute would revolt. Is it;
any wonder we became quacks? As I sit here
writing these confessions I am comscious of no
shame. I feel there was justification for Ralston
and I, and I know the impartial reader who wades
through this poorly and crudely written biography
will have no word of condemnation lor ms. \» o
were victims of a system that draws you into its
vortex whether you want to go or not and your
feeble words of protest are lost or speedily for-
gotten as men rush across the shores of time.
Ba honest and you will fail is both trite and
true. I have no intention to hold any man or
group of men up to ridicule or execration, iiut
I can say without fear of contradiction that Ral-
ston and I haven't been any worse than many
others with this difference however^ that they
covered up their tracks while we allowed our foot-
prints to be see(n. And in the heyday of our pros-
perity when the illusive thing called success that
men so assiduously persue, seemed within our grasp,
a conspiracy was hatched by jealous profftssionaL
rivals that put human blood hounds on our trail
and ended our career as quacks.
XIV
Arriving at my office I sat down. 1 feit tired
and iinew i neeaied rest. Ttie <lay had been an
exacting one. it had suprise and excitement for
me ana i had, returned to my sanctuai'y oi iscuem-
ing and planning with an excessive weariness on me-
i revimved the incidents of the day and drew
lessons and warnings from them, i might be a
quack but 1 was not exactly a fool. I had enoiigli
sense to know that I should profit by experience
and 1 made it a point never to repeat any of my
mistakes.
Kalston and 1 had parted as usual the best of
friends. There was a mutual understanding bet-
ween us. (Jlose association had giveai us wonder-
ful insight into each others character- We were
wholly unlike. Our tastes were entirely dissimilar,
but identical interests and the same goal of am-
bition obviated ail this and welded us as it were
into one/. Strange isn't it how men can get along
so well when material gain is at stake. During my
long and uiisuccesslui career us a legitimate prac-
titioner 1 had observed that and since becoming
a quack the truth had become more evident.
It was obvious from thei start that I would have
little difficulty in maintaining pleasant and agree-
able relations with Ralston. I knew him thoroughly-
His virtues and vices wegre on my finger tips so
to speak. I could read him like a book. I un-
derstood how to take him. And let me say to
his everlasting credit, that while he fell short of
being an angel, and that when measured by ordinary
human standards he had most of frailities common
to mankind, hei still possessied virtues and good
qualities that more than compensatcid for and
over balanced his vices and defects. For instance
59
60 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
he was a txue and loyal friezid- He had a icuie
sense oi. gratitude and he was igeneruui^ uaU
charitable to a fault. His benevolence and good-
ness of heart had made him a failure and hud pr«-
vented him from getting on.
i sat still for a whil(< pondering on the warm
pei-sonal friendship that existed between us and
then it occiurred to me that it was fraught with
danglers for both of us- In the first place 1 had
talked Ralston into becoming a quack. The idea
of prostituting his profession never entered his
heaa, until I put the notion there, and I will
never forgert how bitterly he spurned the pro-
posal at first. It was only by reasoning and argu-
ing with him and exhausting my powers of persu-
asion that 1 had succeeded m couvinciiitg' iiim that
it was the right and proper thing to do.
Many times sinoei we have gone over the< same
ground and we both agree that the life' of a quack
has advantages and disadvantages. It has pecun-
iary emoluments. Any one knows that who has
given it a fair trial- But it is beset with dangers
and pitfalls lie on ey^ry siue. It has moinients
when even the most hardened and callous ex-
perience the prickings of an outrage oonscience,
and worst of all fear is associated with it and
some/how or other it is inseparably the ever pre-
sent companion of the charlatan. I sat in ithje
revolving chair before my desk thinking of all
this when suddenly my telephone rang.
Would I come at once to Sixteenth and Chest-
nut Streets. I hated to go but I disliked to ^e^
fuse. I knew thq family very well- The father
of the patient was a prosperous successful barber
with a fine shop in Seventh street,, near Myrtle,
supplied with the veiry latest equipment in tonsorial
art. It was there I got shaved. I learned years
before it is not the best policy to prescribe tor
those you know intimately. There is an old say-
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK «1
ing that familiarity breedg eontempt and nerver
for a moment did I forget it. Moreover my ex-
perience in life taught me it was a truism-
The mother of the patient insisted that I come.
But I had an alppointment at my oflfice that I
could not think of breaking. As soon as I was free
I hurried down, I was received graciously and
cordially. The mother of the sick man pressed
three dollars into my hand for a previous visit
to the patient's baby and escorted me in. Shei
led me into the sick chamber and T sat down-
Before me resting quietly in bed with a netting
covering him was my patient. He was a young
man of twenty five, whom I had not seen since he
was eiisrhteon. Tn his ynimg and foolish days he
used to come and see me and in a simple boyish,
way tell me all his secrets. He used to weary me
with a narration of his escapades. When I heard
he was married I ceased to worry about him as
T concluded he would settle down and lead a cor-
rect and upright lifet
A rather hasty and careless examination on my
part revealed nothing further the matter with him
beyond a slightly sensitive hip and considerable
swelling- T also noticed that he was prefepiring
freelv and that the prc^^piration had a sour acid
smell. I was a quack hence I wanted to imprew
my patient with my learning. So adjusting my
glasses and looking wise I told him in simple words
what ailed him.
"Yon have rheumatism." T said with the air of
one who knows and has superior knowledge.
"That's what your friend Ralston said, and I
fired him-"
I nearly fell oveir with surprise. Dr. Ralston had
been there and had not told me. Infinitely worso
he had not isent for me as he was wont. He was
playing double. He wag not on the level and
62 CONFESSIONS OP A QUACK
square as I thought he was- I would give him a
g^ood call down as soon as I saw him.
"I suppose both of you know or ought to know
your business," he said sarcastically and turned
his head toward the wall. I took out my blanks
to write him a prescription. I ordered four drams
of Sodium Salicylate dissolved in three ounces
of Compound Tincture of Cardamons with five grains
of Saccharine to sweeten the mixture, told him
to take a teaspoonful in a glass of water every
four hours, bid him good-bye and came home.
On my way home T did a Int of t>>inkiusr about
the patient- My mind went back to the time I
had an office on Fourth Street, San Francisco. I
remember how he used to come to me with r.ll
his troubles and ask my opinion and advice. I
had a distinct impression that he was a nice like-
able boy in those days, although a little wild and way-
ward. But I felt that T was goinor to have trouble
with him- He would be hard to manage and when
I tried my usual quackish tactics on him as T did
on all my other patients, I would get the worst
of it.
The first thing I did on reiaching my office was
to ring up Ralston. I can't recall all I said to him
or use in these "Confessions" the languagie T saw
fit and proper to adopt as my natural vernacular
the day T called my colleague on the phone. I'm
afraid if I did so T might be accused of praying
to the Lord in rathe.r picturesque phrases. Of
course, as I expected Ralston pleladed excuses.
There were reasons which for delicate causes he
could not give why he had not sent for me as a
consultant- He was profuse in apologies and pro-
testations of innocence and promised to behave
more like a true and loyal quack in the future.
There was only one thingr to do and that was
to forgive him, which T did with all mv heart.
"I'm not sorry I got discharged. I'm glad of
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 63
it. I'm no prophet but I feel safe in saying you
are going to have trouble there. Your man yill
be hard to handle. I'vf/ seen hiis kind before.
None of hi^ likes for m©. Take my advice^ and re-
tire from the case, before your name is erased from
the pay roll."
To my subsequent sorrow I found out Ralston
was right. That one case caused me more humil-
iation than all the others T had in my whole career.
And it did more than this. It brougt down on me
not only the wrath of the patient's entire family
but the maledictions of the doctors who for the
first time denounced me openly and proclaimed
me a quack-
I would gladly give back the moi.ey T had
extorted from credulous women and men if I
could go back to the day I made the fatal blunder
of taking this case. It seems the one blot of dis-
grace I cannot erase. And when I think of it,
instead of becoming as all my other mistakes,
less distinct with the passing of time, it appears
a luminous spot in my conscionsnei^s that eve^'
condemns; nnd n tanis^iblf^. permanent re',lit\- llT^t
always upbraids. But whether we be ruacks o.^
true men we all aquire wisdom in pretty much the
samjft way. Its leissons are learned at a price wo
think dear. But in the end when all is said and
done we see that eix/perience brings us n wealth
of knowledfre of life and men.
XV
The next momiiiiEf after breakfast I went down
to see my new patient. Hig mother let ma in and
1 could see by her manneir something had gone wriong.
As I entered the sick room he greeted me coldly.
Really I would have felt better if he hadn't said
anything at all. He was surly, insolent and in
the mood to fight. I was in no condition to "scrap-"
Besides neither mental or physical pugilism had
any appeal for m«.
"You're a nice one," he blurted out.
"Why what's wrong?" I asked quiet innocently.
"What's wrong?" he shouted. "The medicine
Tou gave me. That's what's wroujg."
"What seems to be thet mater with itt" I asked
hoping to pacify him.
"Sweet as treacle. That's what'i the mattelr
with it," he snarled.
"Oh! Is that all? I can chmm that all right."
Immediately I thought of what I had done. I had
put ton much saccharine in it, I took out my writ-
incr pnd and quickly scribbled off another R.
"There that will be morel pleasant to take,"
T said as I gave it to him.
He cast it rudely aside.
"If it doesn't take effect there'll be trouble
between you and me."
"See heire, young man, if you talk that way to
me you'll have to get another doctor," I said,
MT own anger rising.
"Ynn needn't get huffy- I can get huffy too,"
he retorted.
"I'm not huffy, but I don't like being dictated
to by you. Now be sensible, reason a moment
with me. You are n, very sick boy. You'll admit
that. The fact that you are lying in bed, hav«
Fweats and fever, proves it- It's up to me to get
«4
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 65
you well. I can do it too, if you will only give
me a chance. But if you oppose and contradict m«
there's only one thing for me to do, namely, to let
you gK> to a better world."
"Satisfied to stay in this world a while," ho
said.
This r(iply told me my words had the desired
eiSfect- He wanted to live. He was anxious to
igjet well and his mother and wife shared has wishee.
As the day went by he seemed to gett some^-
what better. His condition had improved to such
an extent that his sister got married and the house
was full of friends. This would have been most
fortunate if his case had ended as I thought it
would. But Fate had decreed that everything
should happen contrary to my wishes. The fever
and sweats continued- Suddenly it dawned upon
me that the petulant, peevish boy who had tried
my patience as no other patient, had florid phthisis
or quick consumption. The thought had come to
me like a flash of inspiration and it was now
conviction.
But how could I teill him? True, I was only a
iqiuack. But charlatan that I was, T still had feelings.
I had belen lying so long that it came quite natural
for me to speak untruths. But when I thought of
his sister just married and the gloom this would
caiLse her, I resolved to be true for once to my
calling. I would be a merciful quack and spare
her.
Six months later he fell asleep and I got the
blame for it. But why should I care. I was a
quack. A pretender to medical skill that I did
not possess-
XVI
News of the mistake! I had made spread fast.
It was suprismg how quickly it traveled. In less
than a fortnight the whole town had heard of it.
1 was abused, and condemned. Former friends
who had given me the glad hand, avoided me. For
a while it looked as though I had met my Waterloo.
Patients dix)pped off and it seemed as though RaU
ston and myself would soon be reduced to our
old level. Both of us were nearly frantic with fear.
Neither of us knew just what to do to reoaveir
our former standing. And it incensed me beyond
the power of words to tell when I thought I had
brought all this trouble on myself because I had
I)ity and goodnesse of heart. I discovered when
it was too late that to play the role of quack one
had to be heartless. It would never do to be
merciful- Compassion led swiftly to one's un-
doing). """
We now began to think of a new way of de-
ceiving a gullible public. Our minds naturally
drifted to Mrs. Grayson, the kindly woman wlio
Uveld out on Lake View Terrace and who had given
us a boost and start. No matter what people
might say we could count on her being steadfast
and loyal. We would have to einlist her services.
She would rally to our defense. We would teU
her of thqf wonderful o|)eration we had done on
her and once more we would climb the ladder of
success and bask in the sunshine of popular favor.
It seemed a pleasant and easy avenue of escape
firom all the obloquy that had been heaped on us.
We both felt it was our only way out of dificulty,
so we decided to call upon her. We beliefved that
she would be delighted to see us- But when we
thoiijgiht of what we\ had to tell her our courage
failed us. What a disappointment it would be
66
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 67
to her! Besides she had already done so much
for us we had no right to expect her to do anything
mora It was possible too she had placed credence
in the rumors afloat. When we thought of that
despair came over us. Our financial condition was
deplorable. We bad lived extravagantly, travelled
over the primrose path at night, squandered our
money recklesbejy. vVe hatL been improvident to an
extreme, giving little or no thought to the future
and the possibility of want. Money had come, to u>s
easily and it passed as readily from us. Now we
saw our folly. And we both swore- that if we re-
covered our lost prestige and got on our feet once
more we would be more careful. Ralston who was
somewhat superstitious attributed our tribulations
to a just Providence that rawards the good and
punishes tJie wicked. But I could not see it that way.
To my way of thinking it was the natural se-
qjuence and logical outcome of our own reckless-
ness. It was un experience that had come to ub
rich in many lessons. Perhaps if we hadn't re-
ceived a temi^orary cheek and setback our methods
of quackery might have gottetti us into serious en-
tanglements with the local police. What we feared
most was the Board of Medical Examiners. That
august body had their eyes on us. They were watch-
ing us from a close angle. In their employ were
dectectivcB who traveled about in the guise of
patients. They had laifl their traps for us but
somehow Ralston and I managed to escape. We
both seemed to possess the happy faculty of know-
ing when human bloodhounds were on our trail.
And as soon as we discovered we were being pur-
sued we beat a hasty retreat and lay low. We
could truthfully say that no blood was on our hands.
What we had done was mostly within the law.
We had never gone further in rascality than de-
manding exorbitant fees, and tricking people into
believing that we were wonderfully clever.
XVII
The next muruing I mci liaistou just as he
wuij eomuig out of his house. Wic lu.d a brief
coniercuce as to what was best to cio. We were
Doth oi the same opinion. In Mrs. (afaysuu was
the hope of us btcomiug once i.iore succefisiul
chariataiiis. She was the tirst patient we had ever
dectaved. She had been an "easy niark'". Shd
uad allowed herself t-o be hoodwinked so easily
that, Kalston and I laughid when we thought of it.
Yet she was a woman of intelligence aua laanaged
With consumate skill the vast estate her husband
had left her. It looked as thoiugh Ralston and I
exerted hypnotic power over her. She accepted
all we said as absolute truth- Seemingly it never
oecured to her to question our bragging and boast-
ing. When we' had pronounced the simple papiioma
that occupied a conspieiuus jcace "n lier neck and
caused her no end of embarrassment and untold wor-
ry a malignant growth, and used the word "cancer"
in describing it, it had never occurred to her to
consult another practitioner to v-Miiy our dia-
gnosis. With the faith and c.'nfiddice of a child
she bowed her head submih;:>ively to our superior
knowledge and submitted to tlie knife. Yet this
insigiiificant wart she might have reiaoved her-
self with the aid of a ten cent caustic pencil. It
is little wonder that we looked to her as being
our saving angel.
financial enibai'i-assment madt'. us belive that
walking was an ideal exercis'O- So with an easy
stride and anxious heart we "hiked" on to Lake
View Tcirraee. Mrs. Grayson received us cordially.
Apparently she was overjnyod with our coming.
Of course she was suprLs^d and disappointed to
liear tliat wc were not doui.u' well. Slh' svriinath-
68
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 69
ized with us- She wanied us not to let rebuff
clJscoui:wge ois, and then she gave us a wonderful
promise that raised the worry from our hearts
and brought us new hope and enthusiasm.
Since we had been so successful in curing her,
why didn't we specialize on cancer? The* sug'-
gestion seemed a good one. It struck both Ralston
and myself as being so. The field was interesting
with possibilities for research work and original
discovery that no other branch of medicine afford-
ed. "We might find a cure that Avould bring us
undying fame and unlimited wealth. As Mrs-
Grayson outlined the plan by which she hoped to re-
plenish our finances and give! us greater prestige
than heretofore we enjoyed, I kept my eyes on
Ralstion. In all my life I have never seen so many
different emotions pass over anyone's face at one
time. He was certainly worth studying. Prom
a psychological standpoint he was extremely in-
teresting.
"Gentlemen, follow my advice and ;giive up
general practice- It is too hard. Specialize. This
ds the age of speciality. Takel up the treatment
and cure of cance'r, I myself am a living* testi-
monial of your wonderful skill. What you have
done for me you can do for others. But vou miLSt
have a chance. You haven't had an opportunity
or Ion? before now you would have been rich and
famous. I'm getting old and I feial as though I'd
like to do a littlei good in this world. So I'm go-
ing to set both of you up in business. I'm going
to open a sanitarium for you where all the patients
in the country who have cancer may come and get
cured."
She paused and looked first at Ralston and then
at me.
"What a pity some one didn't take two clever
men like you in hand yetars ago?"
This was almost more than we could stand-
70 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
It was difficult for us to keep fpom laughing out-
right.
"But I've always siaid you can't keep real
ability down. There's an old saying that every
do.g| has his day, and I'm going to see that you
have yourfe."
"Mrs. Grayson we; don't deserve it- Beside
the opening of a sanitarium would cost consider-
able money," I said wishing to have her believe
I was overwhelmed with her benevolence.
"What do I care what it costs? I have plenty off
money. I might as well spend some of it in doing
a little good. ' '
"You are too kind. We can never retpay you
for .all you have done."
"I have simply obeyed my better instincts. I
am happy for having don^e so."
Mrs. Grayson described in detail the "Cancer
Home" she proposed to build. It was to be a
magnificent structure outclassing anything of the
kind that had ever been thought of. Ralston and
I were to live there. We were to take n© outside
patients. Our efforts were to be confined to our
speciality. And anything we would need in the
way of equipment or apparatus Mrs. Grayson's
purse would supply.
Our star of prosperity had once more risen.
Visions of wealth and popular esteem flitted
across our melntal horizon. All our worry had
fled. As far as we were concerned, debts and
debtors had no existance for us. Enemies were
vanquished. Detractors were silenced. The reputa-
tion we had acquired through nobody's fault save
our own, we would live down. This time a real op-
portunity to become proficient presented itself. We
had played the giime of quack and lost. Now wo
would be ethical. We would recover the good
nnme we had thrown away. We would icather to-
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 71
gether the broken fragments of a coijseience that
had long guided us over the straight and narrow
path.
XVIIl
There's a sayiug that it is hard ta teach an old
dog new triclcs. Ralston and 1 iound out this was
a truism. We had scarcely left Mrs. Grayson's
than the fopce of fixed habits began to assert
itst/lf. We discovered it is easy to make resolu-
tions., quite another thing to keep them. Our ideals
were rather short lived. Into our consciousness
had come thoughts and plans by which we might
"fleece" unsuspecting women and men. "Once a
quack, always a qiuack", can bei laid down as an
axiomatic truth. We were beyond conversion. Hard-
ened sinners are not readily ibrought into the fold.
We had been so long at the game of fraud and
deception that it now became second nature. We
couldn't do diffeirently if we tried. iSo we both
gave up in despair.
"Honestly, I feel ashamed to take a penny from
that good woman," I said when we were outside.
"You didn't think that way when you charged
her five hundred dollars to remove a harmless wart
from her neck," replied Ralston.
"But I was a quiack then. I wasn't supposed to
havei any feelings".
"Yoii and I will always be quacks. We couldn't
be anything else if we tried."
"What's the use of us specializing in oauc43r
then?"
"What's the use? Therel's big money in it.
That's what we want."
"We've been after it (luite a while and have
little enough to show."
"That's our own fault. We played the game
wrong."
"It LS time we played in right. From now on I
intend to do the proper thing. I'm going to bet on
the square. Nothing crooked goes with me."
72
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 73
Ralston was watching' me closely, a grin on his
face. He was disgusted with the cant I was speak-
ing. He knew I didn't mean a word I said. He
had been as close to me as it is possible for one hu-
man being to another. He knetw my weakness and
my good points as well. He was aware that I was
fickle and vacillating when the question was one
of selecting the good. But I belived if T had not
taken the down hill grade I would still be upright.
And I knew he thought that I and he as well werie
headed for perdition.
Mrs. Grayson's "Cancer Home" instead of re-
forming us would lead us further into the ndre,
than all the cases we had treated while in general
practice. There we could carry on tlie nefarious
business of fooling people and robbing them aa
well and no one would be the wiser. The kind
hearted, well meaninig w^oman had unwittingly pla-
ced temptation in our way, and as both of n^ were
miserably weak, it was a certainty we would fall.
When I thought of all this I was inclined to go
back and tell heir to consider Avell what she w'aJB
al)out to do. The venture might prove a failure'.
There were many reasons Avhy it would, and chief
and foremost among them was the fact that Ral-
ston and I were qiuacks. We werci charlatans by
nature and choice. We coudn't be anything else
if we tried.
But Ralston only laughed when T told him mj--
scrnjples. He said I would get over them. The
ample fees we would soon be enrning would efface
our sense of right. I'm i?orry to say his words
proved prophetic. When T sit down and think over
what I have done, T can't understand how T, who
was so well trained in e'thic"^. should lose every
vestiigel of honor. It didn't take me long to shake
off principle and depart from truth. It is surpris-
ing how quickly a man reaches the bottom once he
74 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
starts down the grade; And it rarely happens that
he climbs up the hill a^giain.
But I can offer an apology for the wrong I have
done. All men do. It is human to seek justification
and any unprejudiced and unbiased mind, look-
ing over the arena of life, will detect flaws or
defects that explain the dishonesty of the world.
Many doctors livie off the ignorance of peo-
ple and thrive on their vices. To follow the heal-
ing art in a legitimate way is to be true to its ideals.
Nefver to waver, to turn aside from the path of
duty, to be conscientious under any and all circum-
stances is hard indeed and quite beyond the aver-
age* man or woman's ability to adhere. And this
explains why Ralston and I were quacks.
XIX
Ralston and I parted with visions of a glorious fu-
ture before us. Our past was checkered. There
was no question about that, Th© career that lay
behind us would not make nice reading. It a-
bounded in acts of dishonesty, selfishness and
cruelty. We had good cause to be ashamed of it
and to keep it hidden away. So the best thing we
could do was to try and forget. But t)oth off us
knew this wouldn't be, easy. We were familiar with
the working of the mind. We knew the laws that
regulated and curtailed it and guided and direct-ed
it over that vast field and range of thought where
were exercised its strange and mysterious actions.
Better still we were acquainted with the human
heart. We were conscious of the wonderful power
of love and the far reaching influence for good it
exerted over women and men. The life of a quack
had taught us much. It had brought us knowledge
that should have made us ashamed of ourselves.
And as I sat down in my office and thought of all
this, the elation I had so shortly felt fled. My buoy-
ancy left me and I suddenly found myself infini-
tely wretched. The old despairing mood that had
filled my days with unrest and my nights with
dread was on me. In vain I tried to shake it off.
It was no use. It had come to stay. I would have
to suffer. It was the good in me struggling for su-
(premacy. The remnant of the real man in the
throes of extinction gradually by a slow process of
deterioration undergoing annihilation. I had exper-
ienced many times before. And eiach attack
I seemed a kinder, better man. My whole life pass-
ed before me. Youth with all its hopes and dreams,
ideals and ambition, disappointed middle age with
blasted hopes and cherished desire<s shattered and
scattered bevond any possibilitv of realization.
75
76 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
Weary and disg-niiitled I went to bed. Soon I
fell asleiep, but my sleep was fitful and disturbed.
I awakened with a start. My telephone was ring-
ging. I jumped out of bed and looked at the clock.
It was half past two. I was wanted at ' ' The Ori-
ental", a rooming house. I hesitatied about going.
I had no patients there. But the man at the other
end of the line pleladed that I come. He promised
me fifteen dollars if I would go. Money was the
bait he threw out and as I was a quack I bit at it.
When I arrived at the place to which I had been
cialled, I was escorted to the room where I would
find a isick woman. But no lady ever occuipied it.
Instead a red headed f«dlow soundly asleep. When
awakened he, stoutly denied having sent for me. So
I saw someone was playing tricks on me. It might
be fun for them. No doubt they thought it a good
joke, but it didn 't app&al to me as being humorous
at all. The proper place for me and everyone else
at that hour in the morning was in bed. And a/fter
that I saw that it was.
XX
The next day, when I related the incident to
Ralston, he laughed heartly.
"Better accuse met 0& doing it", he said.
" Don't worry. Won't be bothered that way
when you make Mrs. Grayson's "Cancer Home"
your residienoe.
"Do you think the home is a realty or a dreiam?"
I asked.
"It's the most real thimgi that ever was. That
woman has money and she's an enthusiast. She's
so set on going into this venture that we could
not dissuade her if we tried,"
"I'm not going to try."
"It looks a good thing for both of us."
"It's the most fortunate thing that could ever
happen. ' '
"That's what I said when Mrs. Grayson told us
her plan."
"If we only make igood and curcj the patients."
Ralston, for once,, we must. We are to quit fak-
ing. This time we are to be on the level and square.
We owe it to Mrs. Grayson. Besides I'm sick and
tircid of fooling people. There's no satisfaction in
playing the gamei that way. We are to reform.
We've done enough mischief as it is."
"You said that before and did not keep your
word."
"1 know. But this time you shall see. Let's say
no more about it."
"Very well."
"If you have no appointments or pressing eniga-
gements, I want you to go with me to a case."
"I have nothing at all on hand, so I am free."
The case. I had on hand was a inental one. The
previous evening a lady phoned to mei asking me
77
78 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
to come and see her father. He was very wealthy
and imajgiined he was poor. Here was the chance
lialston and myseJi' had long wis'hed for. This
would be an opportunity to replenish our deplet-
ed finances. A little clever lying on our part would.
convince him of the wisdom of parting wiih some
of his gold. And our ability as quacks would be
proven in the success we had in persuading him he
was ill and in need of our skillful treatment. When
I think of how we flefeced this dear old man, I feel
as though I should blush with shame. But blush-
ing doesn't come easy to one hardened as I was. And
while Ralston and I bled ihim unmercifully we at-
tended regularly his church and testified at prayer
meetimgs what the Lord had done for us. If ever a
pair of conscientious crooks lived, Ralston and I
were.
' ' Our patient has rats in the garr-et and we must
se<e that he keeps them there. "We are to make a
big bluff that we are driving them out and we are
to see that we are well paid for our services. The
money is the thing wa are after and we usually
get it."
Ralston laughed, but he made no comment on
what I said. It was evident it had. struck him as
being ludicrous and true.
"But it won't do to gio about it in a haphazzard
fashion. We learned that from experience. We've
got to be careful what we say and do. The first
thing we have to do is to win the confidence of his
daughter. This accomplished it will be an easy
thing to handle her father."
"How much is he worth?" asked Ralston now
thoroughly interested.
"Somci say nearly a million. But I think that is
a gross exa^eration. There is no doubt that he is
comfortable and that we will receive a handsome
fee."
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 79
"We were bom under a lucky star," said Kal-
ston.
"I'm beiginning to think that myself.
- "What if we ^are found out? We've had enougli
notoriety as it is."
. "We have Mrs. Grayson as usual to fall back on.
There 's the ' ' Cancer Home ' ' in which we may take
refuge. ' '
"Has it never occurred to you that that good wo-
man like the rest of thei community may discover
that we are a pair of quacks ? ' ' asked Ralston quite
earnestly.
"I have thought of it very oftepa."
' ' If she 'efver finds out the kind of giinks we are,
we'd better take to the woods. Believe me, if she
ever discovers we've been fooling her we'll make
a lively get away."
"But she won't. She'll never mistrust us. Say
heffe's the place."
"Some home all right," observed Ralston look-
ing thet house over.
I opened thei gate and assuming a dignified, pro-
fessional air marched boldly up the steps..
A servant let us in and ^escort ed us to the sittintg
room. We were told we would not have to wait
long, as Miss Rawlins expected us. Ralston and 1
had a whispeired conference as to what the best
meithod of procedure the moment she came in, and
both aigreed that an innocent manner and a sancti-
monious air were most becoming. Miss Rawlins
was an enthusiastic church raembeT and if w^e were
to play our cards well we must pose as Christian
Gentlemen. It would be easy for us to do that as
we possessed the faculty of readily adapting our-
selves to different environments. We had acted
thje role of hypocrite so long that we were quite
proficient at it.
Presently the door opened and Miss Rawlins en-
tered. She was stylishly dressed and looked the
80 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
picture of health and beauty as she sat down. She
was quite at e>ase and spoi^e affably to u;>.
' ' My father as resting on the sofa upcjiairs, so we
can have a private talk about his condition down
here. 1 think 1 told you most of the facts over the
tedephone. Perhaps 1 itoiigiot some deitaiis i can now
supply. But first of all, tell me if you can cure
my father."
"Sure, we eian," replied Ralston and I. It was
easy and niatural for us to lie. We* had been at it
so long it had become second nature.
' ' I heard you we»re wonderful Doctors, ' ' she said.
To my humili^ion Ralston laughed and I gave
him a sharp kick in the ohins.
"Wu've effected some remarkable cures. I dane
say we will find your father's case no different
from the rebt, although the nature of this malady
presupposes a long treatment." I said this with
thoughts of the amiple fees we were about to extort
from him passing throuiglh my mind.
'■] don't care how long it takes or what it costs
so long as my father is cured."
''That's a sensible! way to look at it. A doctor,
no matter how clever he may be, cannot cure you
in a day. It takes time, The trouble with many
people is they haven't the patience. They want to
get well right away. After years of abuse they
expect us to build them all over again in a day. ' '
"You won't find my fathejr that kind of a man,
even though his mind is a little wrong. He's will-
ing to givei everything a fair trial. But when he-'s
given a thing a test and there are no results, then
look out. He's not particular about the kind of
language he uses and doesn't care very much what
he does."
Cold shivers run up and down my spine. There
was no enemy as (bad as a demented one. His capaci-
CIONFESSIONS OP A QUACK 81
ty to do wrong was always unlimited and his desire
for vengeance was intense.
' ' I know your father will be hugely pleased with
what we do for him. If we thought we couldn't
help him we would never have takem this case."
"I'm sure you woudn't."
"It may take some little time to win his confi-
dence), but that once secured it will all be easy sail-
ing for us."
"How glad I am to hear you say that! I've tri-
ed so many practitioners with such poor results
I was in igreat despair. It was fortunate I heard
of you. ' '
"And it gives us great satisfaction to know you
have faith in us."
"Anyone would have) faith in you."
Again Ralston laughed and once more I reward-
ed him with a kick in the shins, a little stronger
than before.
"But we are wasting time discussing matters
that have no bearing on my father", said Miss Raw-
lins, rising. "Just a mome/nt and I will bring my
father in."
When she was gone I turned angrily on Ralston.
"Have you no sense?" I asked.
"Have you no honor?" he retorted.
"I can see nothing comic in being betrayed."
"Who's betrayed you?" he demanded.
"It looks as though you wore set on doing so.
This is the) chance of our life and it appears that
you don't appreciate it."
Miss Rawlins returnekl leading her father by
the hand.
"Father, here are the doctors!" she exclaimed.
"The doctors! Where?" he said, passing his
hand across his brow. Hei hiad the wild stare of
the 'paranoic and moved as though it post him a
great effort.
"Mr, Rawlins, we are*, here to cure you," I said.
82 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
"Cure me! I'm all right."
"And we are goinjgi to do it in double quick
time."
"I have no money to pay you."
"He thinks he is poor. That's his main delu-
sion," explained his daughter,
"No hallucinations of grandeur. Plainly not a
case of parens. He can be cured easily."
"If I could only believe it vs^ere truci!"
"You'll see how true it is if you'll give us a
chance to cure him,"
"I want you to begin treatment at once , I sup-
pose your fees will be rather high,"
' ' Somewhat. We are very busy. Our servic iS
are in dCmand everywhere. We'll have to refuse
many other desirable cases to attend your father.
But our fees will be nominal. We don't believe in
hieing exorbitant. We'll take/ your father's case
and guarantee to cure him for a thousand dollars."
"Your terms are agreeable to me, but, of course,
they won't be to my father, as he insists he's poor,"
said Miss Rawlins. She rospj and walked to the
do«k. Sitting down she wrote out the check,
"Another victim of our damnable deceit," ex-
claimed Ralston when we reached the street.
XXI \
As Ralston and I walked away from the house
where we had vicitimized a creijdulous,, unsuspect-
ing woman, we felt ashamed. We( were not so
hardened that now and then the softer, finer emo-
tions did not assert themselves and proclaim their
right to rnlci. In common with all men who lived
off the fear and ignorance of thenr fellows, there
were moments when shame and remorse were un-
pleasant companions. And the money we obtain-
ed, instead of giving us, as wei foolishly supposed
it would, peace and a sense of security, brought U3
nothing but unrest. We had already been exposed.
We had lost our prestige. Most of our patients had
drifted away from us, and in the midst of all this
perple(xity we bad gone and committed our old
crime over again and exposed ourselves to further
tribulation. It looked as though we were making a
desperate effort to brinig speeldy ruin on ourselves.
What would Mirs. Grayson say if she knew our
rascality? And we lived in the constant fear that
she would find it out. What would she do if shei
diiscovered the sort of game we were playing? It's
safe to say she wouldn't open a Canctor Home and
place us in charge. When T thought of it I conclud-
ed we had gone far enough. It is time we halted.
We would turn the trick once too often. An angry
victim would seek retribution .>
Arriving at my home I bid Ralston good-bye
promising to keep in close touch with him. On my
desk was a note from Mrs. Grayson. She had drop-
po'd in to confer with me about the home. She
had rented the Goddard house, a magnificent place
in an aristocratic section of the city. I knew the
location quite well. It was ideal. Thp snrround-
inars, the setting, everythinsr associated with the
old, unoccupied m/ansion appealed to me and pleas-
ed me erreatly. And I knew Ralston would feel
equally as elated when told of our good fortune.
83
84 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
As I sat down and thought of what the good wo-
man was doing for us and how little we deserved
from her or anyone! else, »great remorse came over
me. If the two of us had our just deserts, we
wouldn't be going around foolinigi people and ex-
torting money from them. We'd be doing time
like other crooks and criminals. Wie had been
lucky to escape detection and capture. That was
because wie kept within the law and oonfined our
efforts to money getting. Pondering on this made
me( resolve to once more be straight. It was never
too late to mend. We had not gone so far in wrong
doinig that we could not reform. Here was our
chance, the opportunity that comes to everyone* to
take the right road. The Cancer Hom0 would
eihelter us from the storm of public wrath and in-
dignation so soon to break. There in peace and se-
curity we could do our work. Our mistakes and
deliberate, willful ^betrayal of faith would be for-
gotten. We could make amends for the wrong we
had done.
Ralston and I had resolved to do this once be-
fore. But we found we were miserably weak in
the presence of temptation. Old habits of dishon-
esty had fastened a chain around us that linked us
with wrong doing. And it seftaed as though there
was no hope for us, no way out of the labyrinth of
lying and stealing in which Ave were lost.
I looked around my office and thouigth of the
long years of bitter struggle I had with adverse,
circumstances. I would gladly live those days over,
I would go through it nil again, experience its
heartaches and disappointeraents in preference to the
unrest of soul I had known sincet I became a quacJc.
But I could not ig« back. T oould undo nothing I
had done. There was one sensible thing for me to
do and that was to place the past and its mistakes
behind mel It was rich in les.sons. It contained all
the warnings of a long and varied experience with
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 85
my fellow men in the closest and most delicate re-
lations of Lifei, and if I now went on in the sam^e
old way, therei was only one inference to be drawn
— I was a hopeless case, an absolute incorrigible.
XXII
Ralston and I were now installed in the Goddard
place. In haste we had gathered together ail our
belongimgB and with the' least possible ceremony
had departed from our rtfepective homnjs and taken
up a permanent residence in new and palatial quar-
ters. Our abode was exquisite. We had everything
the most fastidious could crave. Mrs. Grayson had
spared no money to have the Hospital equipped in
the latest and most splendid style.
The house was ideally constructed for such pur-
poses. While the architecture was a little obsolete
everything had been planne^d with a thought as ta
convenience. On the first floor was the reception
hall, the office, waiting room and wards. Above^
the operating room, private rooms for patients, bill-
iard and smoking rooms and library. All of the
apartments were (gorgeously furnished.
As Ralston and I walked from room to room ex-
amining in detail the elegance of the furnishings a
consciousness of unworthineiss came to us. What
right had two unprincipled quacks to all this? It
seemed as though thei very walls and floors must
cry out and condemn uiS'.
We had reached the turning point in our career,
Purthor travel over the road would lead us to a
precipice. We must turn back. There was no al-
ternativie. We would have to retrace our steps
to where we departed from accepted standards of
right,, and cast asidq ideals that had been an inspi-
ration and a iguide.
It was easy for us to fhink of doing all this,
but experience had taught us it was hard — so very
difficult neither of us leven dared hope it would
come true. Early in our career as quacks we had
86
CONFESSIONS OP A QUACK 87
learmid that habits become servitudes. We had
been dishonest so long it was utterly impossible for
us to be honest. But a new environment with ev-
erything associated with it -ealcuiated to inspire
ethical idt<alis might break these fixed habits of
conduct. With that hope to sustain us we had be-
gun the life of specialists and hospital surgeons.
What a splendid opportunity to redeem ourselves!
What a igdorious chance to recover our good name !
But it seemed as though our self respect was gone.
W-g mistrusted ourselves. We felt we were weak.
We knew we meiant to do what was right. But so
many obstacles stood in our Avay! At the very
start we saw our journey over the straight and
narrow path hindred and blocked. Jealous profes-
sional rivals were watching us. Now that a streak
of good luck had come to us the^ would be more
than anxious to malign us. Some of them, no doubt,
would call on us and offer us the hand of ifriend-
ship, Otheirs wouid spurn our acquaintance and
hold themselves above us in a certain hauighty aloof-
ness. We expected none of them to treat us courte-
ously. And w& wenei prepared for many to be open-
ly vindictive and courageously antagonistic. We
were aware that it wouldn 't be all pleasant sailing.
Stoirms would be encountered, perhaps quiie early
too. So we decided to prepare for trouble and de-
vise the best means of combating it.
Ralston agreed with me that the wisest and saf-
est plan was to do nothing wrong. With a clean
slate we had nothing to fear. Men might say all
manner of 'evil o\f us, but if their charges had no
foundations they would not last. So we both agreed
to turn over a new leaf and bagin ane>w. With
this end in vicAv we bought many new medical
books — latest editions of standard authors, and
familiarize ourselves with the use of surgical in-
struments and studied the techniqiue of operations.
We wer& earnest in the matter. We meant well,
88 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
and both of us predicted we could keep the good
resolutions we had made;
liut wie hadn't been in ouir new quarters very
long, when we discoveired that we were beset with
many temptations wei didn't think existed. The
passion of avarice that we had nourished and fos-
tered with such care, we found difficult to shake.
We werei just as thirsty for dollars as ever and not
a bit mom scrupulous how wei igiot them. Howeveir
we soon learned that we had to play the game of
quacks in Mrs. Grayson's Cancer Home altogether
diflfierently from the way we did in years gone by.
In the first pla<3« most of the patients admitted, to
the place were highly intelligent and had received
treatment before coming to us. Their trouble had
been correctly diagnosed. Hence we could not fool
them into belielvin/gi they had complaints they didn't.
Our chance of e&torting money from them was li-
mited to charging exorbitant fees and keeping them
in the hospital as' long as possible. This was to
be sure a modified form of thievery, a more digni-
fied way of practicing deception.
But what did we (Caiie as lonig as we got jtihe
dollars ? Big and leasy money is what we wanted^
and we got it. We received it more easily with
half the effort than wheal w© pursued our calling
in a privatel way and with much less strain.
Mrs. Grayson visited us almost daily and encour-
aged and hjelped us in every conceivable way. I
cannot imagine how any woman could have done
more for two strugglingf doctors. And when I sit
down quietly by myself and think of her benefi-
cence and remember how I deceived her, my consci-
ence troubles me. I wonder if she '11 ever read these
"Conflessions". If she does, she'll see I'm very
sorry for what I have done, and that the commit-
ting of them to paper was a petnance imposed upon
myself. It takes patience and labor to write out a
narrative like this and I must say at times it seem-
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 89
ed an irksome task. But I felt when it was finish-
ed and the publistier gave it to a rejading public^
if it happened to fall into the< hands of the good
woman who was my protectorees and saving anigiel^
it would be the best tribute I could ofiBer her of
my gratitude and love.
lUXX
Ralston and I were studyinig hard. Sinoe assum-
ing management ol the "Home" we were reading
early and Jate. Mrs. Grayson took great pride in
the' library. As books were her hobby sihe had
succeeded in making a wonderful collection of
them. We had at our command the latest works
of the greatest medical writers. And I can truth-
fully say Ralston and I took advantage of this op-
portunity to amass much knowledge. And it wasn't
that we just meonorized facts. We applied, or at
least tried to, what we read in the treatment of our
cases. True we were quacks when it came to ask-
ing and demanding money, but in our treatment
w/e were careful and painstaking. Both of us had
become proficient in a surprisinigily short time in
all the branches of medicine. We had acqiuired
dexterity and skill in addition to possessing know-
ledge and were bold and daring operators. It was
natural that our success should make us known
widely and greatly talked about. And those who
recomended us were people of wealth and influence.
We found ourselves rich, famous and popular and
passing as very upright and honorable. Patients
told how conscientious we were when neither of
us had the slightest conception of the meaning of
that word. It was said that we possessed kindness
and goodness of heart whein, as a matter of fact,
we were heartless and merciless, having pity and
sympathy for no one. Our ruling passion was ava-
rice. We were so greedy that there was no lie we
would not tell to gain our ends, I shudder when
I think of the changa that took place in our char-
acter. It make me sick at heart when I ponder
on it. And I often wish I had never met Mrs. Gray-
son and been the recipient of her generosity.
90
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 91
liiiinitely better to have befcn a. poor, obscure
practitioner. What does success amiount to if
bought at such a price. With these things in mind
1 remember one moriung walking into the ** Doctor's
Koom ' ' and finding Raiston in one of his * ' moods. ' '
This was a irame of mind my colleague fell into
when he became extremely pessimistic and took a
most gloomy view of lifei
"Are you happy?" I asked.
"Lord, no!" he exclamed.
"Haven't you everything this world can .give to
make you so F '
"i*ositively I haven't."
"You have success."
"What of it?"
' * That seems to be what everybody is after. ' '
"It's little peace of mind success has brought
us."
"We're confortable. There are people worse
off."
"VIery true. But these people you refer to are
not quacks."
"1 laughed. Ralston 's tongue was sharp. He
always had a come back.
* * A man can commit a greater crime that that of
being a quack, ' ' I said apologetically.
"There I can't agree with you. The calling of
a charlatan is the worst a human being could se-
lect. Bear with me a minute and I will prove it.
In that undignified position you take advantage of
the greatest, evils that afflict human race^ namely
fear and ignorance. And you don't stop here. You
igo further. You lie and lose all conception of the
truth. You adquire a passion of avarice inconceiv-
able to the man who leads an ethical life. True you
pile up riches. But after you step beyond the
boundary line where caution ceaseb and reckless-
ness begins, you do somethimgi that you are sorry
for the balance of your life."
92 CIONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
"Are you speaking from experience?" I asiied.
"1 am. ii wiiat wei have done were known we-
wouldn't be( liiere in this "Uancer Home" taking,
advantage oi' xjeoi)le s credulity and teatheriiig our
nests, we'd be on the rock pile in the quarry or the
Jute Mills, where w,e coula think it over. 1 don't
believe we'd be on thei gallows, because we drew
the line at murder. But we could give the iellow
who sells spurious oil and mining stocks a tew
points all right. They are a bit tame) at the game.
But we, Lord save us, we copped eveay thing in
sight— grabbed everything we could put our fingers
on."
"Ther-e are many others just as bad."
''Is this the excuse you plead? Is that your jus-
tification?"
"Yes."
"It seems to me a poor way of dodging responsi-
bility. Ever since thei day I began to qua<;k I've
been haunted by feiar. Until then I was brave as
a lion, you know I was. That's because 1 had a
clear conscience."
"A clear conscience, but many debts," I interpos-
ed.
Ralston smiled. "Give me the debts e<very time.
In those days I could truthfully say I had never
harmed a human being in all my life. That 's morte
than I can say now. Whein I think of what I have
done I'm almost beside myself with rage, and I
have you to thank for it. It was you who first
came to me and talked me into it. Until then I
had never done a mean or underhand thingi. 1
would have spurned the calling of medical fakir.
And here you came along and lead me into some-
thing that is against my grain and principle. Aren't
you ashamed when you think of it?"
"I don't feel a particle of remorse and have no
regrets. ' '
This was more, than Ralston could stand. He
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 93
was gettting real angry. He rose and walked over
to the window and looked out. For a few minutee
he stood still. Then he turned around and glared
at me.
"I sometimels think a eursei came on me th^ day
[ first met you," he said savagely as he turned
and walked out.
XXIV
This outburst of Ralston didn't worry me in the
least. I had grown quite used to it. It enhanced
his value in my eyes. He had increased greatly in
my estimation because of it. It proved he was a
fine man with a consciencei that all my roguery had
never killed. Reignlarly he) had these moods. When
he came out of them he seemed none the worse
and was once more the afifablei fellow that made
me selebt him as my pal and confrere in the art of
quackeiry.
Free from these qualms of conscience he plung-
ed into the affairs of the hospital with enthusiasm.
It pleased and amused me to seei the interest he
took in things. Nothing that happened in the
home down to the most trivial event escaiped his
observation. Really it was truly wonderful how
observant he was. And it surpriseid me greatly
when I discovered that he was just as familiar with
the details of all that was transpiring when weigh-
ty matters occupied his mind as when moments of
leisure caused him weariness.
As I sit here writinig this strange autobiography
in which he figures so largely and playjg such an
important part, it seems as though he is right near
me His presence is a tangible 'reality although
years have passed since we drifted apart. When
I think of how true he was to me in all I said and
did, much of which was intrinsically wrong, and as
T recall how loyal and steadifast he was in his
frifhidship when many things in that intimacy were
essentially bad, I cannot help from thinking that
his kind is rare in this world of infidelity of affec-
tion and betrayal of conifidence. That is why T am
here telling his life story as well as mine, and it
is also the reason why I am not holdinig him up to
the execration I deserve, but pointing out to you
94
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 95
the virtues 'he possessed despite he was a quack,
and which I would have you emulate. Ralston was
as noble as he looked. It was I who made a char-
latan of him. That is some thing I can never for-
get. It is a crime I cannot forgive. He was strug-
gling hard, eking out an existence whdn I came a-
long and hy praise and cajolery enticed him into
the remunerative business of Mddical fakir, all of
which I have told before. But it bears repeating be-
cause it contains a lesson. It proves how a good
man can be influenced by a rogue and it also teach-
08 that we readily acquire the ways and take on
the habits of those with whom we closely associate,
although by nature we are made of finer clay and
molded for a higher purpose.
Whatever wrong Ralston did I was to blame for
it. On my shoulders, not on his, should be placed
thn responsibility of guilt. I made him. what he
was. I taught him to lie and it was from me he
learned all the arts that are linked with the ignoble
profession of quack.
"When T think of my checkered career blackened
by dishonesty and lying and reflect that it was I
who first suggested to Ralston that the life of a
charlatan Avas an easy and pleasant road to irion-
ey igK^tting, I feiel as though T committed too groat
a crime for pardon. Bfut T must say both to his
credit and mine that we tried to make amends. A
large portion of the money we so fraudulently ac-
qmired we gave away. Our charities were abun-
dant. Many a helpless cripple, widow and orphan
werp beneficiarif)R. "Women have shed tears of
gratitude as we in a quiet and unr>h«trusivo wjiv
helped to keep the wolf from their door. And we
Rouffht no recognition for this betneficiienee. "We
looked for no recommensei True it seemed like
robbinior Peter to pay Paul, to use an old and fami-
liar c^mnarison. But it was a healing balm to our
wounded conscience.
96
qONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
Our religious friends tell us there is to bei a
Judgment Day. According to their helief it is
then that all the graft and wickedness of sinful
fallein man will be made known. How will Ralston
and I be, able to face the victims we so merciless
trimmed What justification can we offer for our
misdeeds? The Aveak argument all wrong-doers
will offer, I suppose. And how ridiculous and ab-
surd will our small effort at atonement appear.
Tiike millions of others who have done wrong our
FJns will condemn us. When I think of what we
nnist face courage fails me. I find myself wishing
the rocks and mountains would hide me and I
unceasingly curse the day I became a qjuack.
D Q Q
D Q D O
D D Q □
The Cancer Home
XXV
At Mrs. Grayson's "Cancer Home" time passed
quickly. WeJ were busy. There was never a mo-
ment to waste. And Ralston and I having little op-
portunity for reflection were happy. I daresay
we were as contented a pair of rogues as could be
found. The mornings we put in doing operations.
As all kinds of surgical c^ses wore admitted to the
Hospital, we had a splendid chance to perfect our-
selves in the art of "butchery". The ignorance
and credulity of mankind is astounding. I knew
this from the time I begtan to study and observe.
But my ideas were som^ewhat vague and hazy until
I became a quack. I then saw that ignorance caus-
ed two thirds of the misetry of the world. It was
this, the worst of human evils that pc|rmitted a false
economic system to exist. Long before I became a
quack, in my poor and obscure days when I wag a
legitimate practitioner I peroeived that thosci who
did the most of the hard work of the world receiiv-
ed but a fraction of wealth they produced. This was
80 self-evident that it required no effort on my part
to detect it. Naturally my heart went out to those
who worked for a living. My sympathy was keen
for them. In those days I could no more think of
telling an untruth to one of these than I could of
stealing, killing or doing any other crime. But
what a change came oveir me when I shook dft
the yoke and hamo^se of right doing, jumped over
the traces and cast all moral restraint to the wind !
1 blush with shame as I think of it. No sooner had
I sihaken off riighteousness and turned away from
rectitude than I lost all compassion and sympathy
for those who so shortly had beein my friends. I
would as soon lie to a working man as I would to
a millionairei I would deceive a poor widow as
qniickly as I would a society matron. T would rob
97
98 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
an orphan with no luoiie eompuntiou than 1 would
a bank president.
As 1 ponder on it the conviction forces itself on
me| that in becoming a quack 1 departed from all
virtue and igoodness. 1 sowed the seeds of moral
deterioration that sprung up and produced a crv^p
of evils that brought about disintegration of my
character.
One Sunday, ais I sat in the office witlh these
gnawing thoughts disturbing me, two men came in.
They asked me if 1 could be so good as to make
an outside call. It wasn't far, just a few blocks a-
way. Howevejr I was averse to going. I was in a
contemplative mood and wished to bei left alone.
But RaLston had gone for a walk and I kn€w of no
other doctor I would care to send. So after much
prevarication in which art I was most adept, 1
promised to go.
My visitors were old. Neither of them looked
prosperous. But as I was now independent and it
was high time I was bejeoming charitable, I didn't
mind it a bit. Arriving at thei address they had
given me, the entrance was guarded by a dag who
crouched in the door way with his nose nestling
between! his paws. He seemed to resent my coming
as an intrusion, growling as I ascended the steps.
For a moment I was all at sea as to wihat was
(best to do. He looked vicious. And it was apper-
ent he was a watch dog placed at the door to keep
strangers away. It occurr^ to me that I should try
on Mr. Dojg the tactics I had so effectively used on
human beings. I had a vast experience in dealing
with men and women, little or none with animals.
Perhaps they were as susceptible to flattery as the
victims Ralston and I had fleeceld. I would see.
"Nice little dog, you wouldn't bite me", I said,
patting him on the head. My words acted like
magic. Immediately he waggefl his tail. Assured
he meant me no harm, I entered and climbed the
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 99
long, narrow stairway that led to the sick man's
room. There the two gentlemen who had come
alter m© awaited my arrival. On the bed lay the
.patient, a little wizeneld lold man of eighty-five,
lie was emaciated and looked bad. He was dirty
and unshavetti. He- had a swelling on the right side
of his neck. I examined it and found it was very
sensitive. As I was a cancer specialist it was the
most natural thing in the world for me to declare
it a malignant growth. But for once in my career
as quack I would not lie. So I said it was abscess,
prescribed flax seed poultice and sat down. You
don't know how happy I felt after all the yeiars of
lying I could tell the: truth. That was something to
be proud of. I had despaired dfl ever being able to
do that again. As I thought of it I became con-
scious of new strenght. I was aware too that the
essence of good was still within me. I could re-
frain from lyinig if I tried. I was able to throw off
the mask of hypocrisy I wore. Once more I might
practice the healing art in an upright way.
While these thoughts were flitting through my
brain a little man, elvidently a friend of my patient,
sat directly opposite nue. He watched me closely.
He noticed every move I made and hung on every
word I said. And night then I concluded he had
pas(.sc|d judgment in me and declared me a fakir.
But I misjudged him, as subsequent events amply
pro veld. Instead of questioning my honesty, he
was admiring the way I had of doing and say-
ing things.
"Doctor, don't you reimember me?" he aisked.
"You're a little man I've known by sight for
years. ' '
"I used to work in stable^?. But I don't any
more. I'm too old — sixty-nine. I just walk around
to pass away the time."
"Where were you born?" I asked.
"In East London. I've been around the world
100 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
several timeK. There's nothing like travel, believe
me. It broadens a man and givejs him knowledge
he never can acquire from books."
"I iqniite agree vs^ith yon, although 1 have never
traveled much. I've beem so busy these years, i
haven't had time"
"But think of all the good you have done."
Lord! If he only knew the kind of game 1 play-
ed!
"There's just as much joy in that as there is in
being able to run about."
"I dare say there is."
"May be if you had been a dishonest doctor like
some I know, perhaps you might have been able to
take it easy and see some of the world."
"Perhaps."
I could not look him in the face. I had to e/vade
nis eyes. I knew he was a good judge of charac-
ter. All men are who travel. May be a look or a
word would betray me and he would discover what
a fraud I was. By his own admission he had come
in contact with dishonest doctors. I presume some
of them were like me. I felt uneasy and wished I
had never began a convewation with him. I long-
ed to be back at the "Cancer Home", wlieire Ral-
ston and I could sit down and talk with perfect
understanding and freedom. We we>re two of a
kind. We had an intimate acquaintance and knew
each other's igiood qualities and bad traits as well.
All our secrets we shared in common. Neither of
us had anything to conceal. But I felt quite dif-
ferently in the pr^esence of this little man.
"Sometime, if you don't mind, I'm coming over
to see your "Cancer Home", he said, after a
thoughtful silence.
"Do, by all means. I shall be glad to show you
about the place."
Immediately I had fallen into my old lying hab-
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 101
its. I no more wanted him to pay me a visit than
I wished to be a quack. What I desired most was
a long conference with Ralston, where I could point
©■ut to him thei necessity and advisability of ub
turning over a new leaf. To my way of thinkinig
it was time we reformied. We had gone far enough
in wrong doing. We w^ere already on dangerous
ground. A misstep might lead to e-ertain ruin.
"I won't forgeit how kind and attentive you've
been to this man. If I eveo* get sick you'll be the
first doctor I'll send for."
There was only one way for mei to ansy er this com-
pliment. I thanked him most heartly for the con-
fidence he had in me and promised if the occasion
ever arose when he needed my services, I would
treat him to the best of my ability.
XXVI
I was glad to get away from that old rooming
house and back to Mrs. Grayson's "Cancer Home".
The first thing I did on arriving] there was to look
up Ralston. I found him in tJie library pouring over
a book on surgery. I invited him into the office
where! we had a long and serious conference.
"I'm going to reform," I said.
Ralston laughed.
"That isn't the first lie you've ever told. You've
been igetting this reform gag off ever since we
became quacks", he repied.
"But this time you will seeL Everything in this
world has an end. And that applies to the game
we have been playing. Say, I've just come from
a visit across the way, where, for the first time in
j;eai'4. 1* was on the square. And I'm so ha^ppy I
don't Imow, what to do. I tell you it pays to do
c"c <'\yljat i4 il^ht * But it took me a long time to find
''■•it out."
"You old hypocrite! How can you sit there and
say what you know is untrue "
"Are you really not to be conWnceJd ? "
"Not until I have more proof than your word
for it."
"Very wiell. "Wlhen I make my visit tom,orrow I
want you to accompany me."
"It's a go."
"I'vie been thinkirug of taking this step for a
long time. We don't have to be dishonest any
more. Wel're both well fixed. There's no need of
us being iq|uaic'ks any longer."
"Once a quack always a quack."
"I don't believe it. A man can go a long way in
wrong doinig, call it quits and do what is right.
I'm going to prove he can. Ralston, let's try it.
102
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 103
It's never too late to mend. We can redeem our-
selves, recover our good name and with a clean
slate begin whetre we left off years ago. Are you
with me or not?"
"With you, of course. But we'll both prove un-
equal to the task."
"No, we won't. We'll find it as easy to do
right and far more pleasant than to do wrong.
Since we've been quacks wei've not had a moment's
peace. ' '
"There I agree with you,"
"Excuse me, Ralston, there's somie one at the
door," The be[ll had rung and as usual my coUea-
giie had not heard it. My hearing was fine. With-
out bragging and waiving all claim to conceit, I
think I could truthfully say that I was able to dis-
tiagtuish sounds as few men can.
"Remember what I told you. Today marks the
beginning of a new life for both of us," I said ris-
ing and going to thei door.
My visitor was a colored boy. One glance was
sufficient for me to understand that he was in great
distress. He was seared and anxious looking. He
could not speak above a whisper.
"Doctor, can you come down right away? My
sist<er has taken a bad turn."
I gra-bbed my hat and pulled on my overcoat.
Only yesterday I had beten down to see her. She
was a beautiful girl of eighteen, had graduated
with honors from the High School and had just be-
gan her studies in the Normal School wheii she fell
a victim to the white plague. She had florid phthi-
sis or quick consumption. Her casei was hopeless,
hut, as I was still a quack, T had lied and told
her folks ishe would get well. Her father was
an old woodchopper and spent much of his time
away from home. I will never forget what a path-
etic picture he made as he stood before me and
appealed to me to do something for his girl. I
104 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
felt wholly justified in tellin;g( him an untruth. It
would have been cruel for me to have told him his
daughter was so soon to be taken from him. Ar-
riving at his home I found my patient lying in a
pool of blood on the floor. A hemorrhage from the
lungs had made furthetr visits on my part unnec-
cessary. That sad scene has never faded from my
memory. It stands out distinctly among the pic-
tures that haunt my waking objective conscious-
ness and even my subjective mind reproduceis it in
dreams. I will always see that beautiful girl who
had childlike faith and trust in me, and I regret
exceledingly that I was so helpless to prevent the
breaking tihie thread of her life.
XXVII
Early the next morning wei had a call up the val-
ley. This filled us with joy. The thought of tak-
ing a drive over the mountains in a first rate tour-
ing car was most pleasant. At last a chance would
be :given us to try out the the splendid machine
Mrs. Grayson ihad given us.
W© both felt the need of recreation. A little
diversion such as the present journey promised us
would go a long way in removing the unrest that
had tortured us since assuming occupancy of the
"Cancer Home." We were quacks but we were
wounJerfully susceptible to the beauties of nature.
Wc were appreciative of all the grandeur and beau-
ty of mountain and valley, plain and prairie.
TJie road we were to take passed the **Home"
and wound like a serpent way beyond. We had
started early. It was not seven o'clock, as we
looked back at the place wherel we had passed so
many restless days. Soon a bend in the road would
hide it from view, and we'd forget all the acts of
dishonesty we had done behind its walls. Every
untruth we had uttflred, the many mean and under-
handed things we had planneid to accomplish we
would cover with oblivion. We would recall noth-
ing ignoble or tricky. We. would think only of the
good we intended to do,
Ralston drove the car slowly. It was my request
that he do so. It was a new routes for us. We had
never \y&en that way be'lfore, althouigb we had oft-
en heard of the wonders and beauties encountered
on the, journey.
There was anothftr reason why I wanted to make
the trip by easy stages. Our patient was in no
immediate danger and could safely await our lei-
surelv coming. I had much to say to Ralston. He
105
106 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
and I had come to somei sort of understanding, and
theu'e was no more opportune time to do so than
the present. AAvay from the distractions of the
hospital I could think well and talk convincingly.
1 felt when wei returned we would have a better
knowledge of each other and of this I was sure,
namely that we had turned away forever from all
that v/as dishonorable and returned to those ideals
that had been our hopet and inspiration when we
vero poor and obscure.
"What a relief to 'get away from the "Homei!"
I said.
"Ves, indeed. A trip like this makes one. feel as
though life is worth living," he replied.
"These are some of thei joys of the rural practi-
tioner," I remarked.
"Joys not to be despised," he retorted.
"Ralston, I've often thought that there is the fol-
lower of the healing art who gets the most out of
life. It is a struggle to get on the city. You and
I found that out j^ears ago. It is probable we would
have starved if we hadn't become qxiacks. "
"I have no doubts about it."
"And now that success has come to us, what has
it brought us?"
"Nothing, but re(grets."
"There you are. Don't you see a man cannot
do wrong and escape the penalty? T tell you it
is the laAV that holds giood e(very where. "
"I have always believed that way."
"You have!"
"Ye$."
"Then why didn't you thrash me the day I came
to j'-ou and asked you to become a quack?"
"That's what I should have done."
"It would have saved me many a heartache."
"Me, too."
"Here's a promise I'll make you in good faith.
If you don't quit quacking you'll be licked. You
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 107
can go fooling the public just so long and then
you'll find out if you know what's good for you,
you'll stop or, what's better still, take to the
woods."
"What we're doing just now."
"Yes. But we're going back."
"Not until we.''ve ceased to be quacks."
"Then you are in earnest about reforming."
"I want to turn over a new leaf from now on."
"It makes me feel ten years younger to hear you
say that."
One. look at Ralston was sufficient to convince
me that he meant just what he said. He was dis-
gusted with the life he was leading. Like me, he
longed to gejt away from it. He vv'ished to be free.
The rest of the trip we made in silenc/e. Our eyes
wandererd over the valley and mountain. Here
was the cancer patient we had come to see.
"This way, Doctor," said an old man, opening
the gate.
We drove in. Way behind the orchard was the house
painted white with red roof and green shutters as
contrast in coloring. Here was peace and life in
the primitive. How gladly I would have exchang-
ed places with the man who had opened the gate
and let us in! Serenity of consciencie was written
on his face. Better off by far than either of us
was he.
Our patiemt proved to be a lady of eighty six,
suffering with cancer. Her case was beyond any
cure. All we could do was to leave some morphia
tablets to relieve her pain. This done wei demons-
trated to our satisfaction that we weire still quacks
by asking an exorbitant fee, accepting our pay
with many thanks and promising to come again, if
our services were wanted. We were escorted into
the dining room where we wene given a splendid
supper.
108 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
The hospitality of country peoplei is remarkable
This wasn't the first time, I had seen it, I had
known it since a boy. At the table I maintained
a digaaified silence much to the annoyanoe of Ral-
ston. The conversation centered around livestock
and kindred subjects and as I was not well versed
in those branches I decided the best way to hide my
ignorance was to look wise and keep still.
XXVIII
Tlie next day as 1 sat in the office of the ' ' Home ' ',
cogitating on the past, present and future and be-
wailing thei fact 1 was still a quack, 1 heard a loud
knoek at the door. Rising and opening it 1 found
a mild mannered, soft spoken Portuguese igentle-
man awaiting me.
"Mr. Doctor you come right over and see my
wife?" he asked.
"I'U go", 1 replied. But 1 hesitated a minute
thinking.
"What seems to bei the trouble with her?" 1
querield.
"Stomach", he answered.
"What do you feed her on?"
"Poor man's diet."
* * That seems ratiher indefinite to me. Poor man 's
diet might mean many things with high cost of liv-
ing. So I decided to wait until I saw thei good
woman herself and I would theto ask her just what
she did eat.
It was quite a walk over to his house, but I didn 't
mind it in the least. His homei was a neat little
cottage that stood well back from the streat. At
the gate an old lady awaited us. I was told she
was the next door neighbor and advised to be care-
ful what I said, as she was a regplar gossip.
"Com© right in. Doctor. Tony, g«t thej gentle-
man a chair," slie said smiling at me, and frawning
on the man whose wife' was ill. Immediately I saw
she was well meaning but offiicious. But I would
cater to her somewhat to have her igood will and
keep in che*rk her unruly tongue.
"Bring me thcl patient,"! said authoritatively.
The old lady went into the kitchen. Presently she
returned leading a very fat and sickly woman.
109
110 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
"This is my wife. She's been sick a long time.
Can't eat, sleep nor work."
He walked out.
"Darling, get tihe DoctOiT the medicine* bottle."
The fat lady tottea-ed back into thei kitchen. This
was the old woman's chanc^C' to indulge in a little,
harmless gossip.
"She's a reigular pig, doctor. She eats and eats
and is still hungry and wants more."
"It's plainly a case of indigestion," I said.
"That's what I've been telling her right along.
She 's a glutton. ' ' She put out Ihier tongue and made
a face at her.
The s;ick woman camel in with a haJf empty bottle
of medicine.
"Did you find the medicine, darlingi?" she ask-
ed in tendor sympathetic tones.
I could scarcely control myself. Such a two faced
creature I had not seen in many a day. I sat down
near my patient and began to spealc softly to her.
As is costumary with quacks I did my best to im-
press her with my knowledge, and skill. I talked
fluently and (entertainingly of many things. I
interprete'd all heo* symptoms and made it clear to
her that I understood them and could quickly re^
lieve them. I was careful too, after the mannetr of
quacks, to sound her financial condition.
When I had explained her case satisfactorily to
heir as I thought, I took my hat and roee to go.
"You must eat less. It is important that you
remember this: Overeating is responsible for ma-
iiy of the ills the flesh is heir to. If peiople would
only curb tJheir appetites and gK) on hunger strikes
foir a while, it would 'Ciause quite a fc^ of us to get
to work and earn an honest living. But they be-
lieve, at least a good share of them do, that they
were made to eat. Seemingly, that's all they livte
for. It apfpears to (be their only enjoyment. Result :
thej"- are siclr most of the time and are kept poor
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 111
paying doctor's bills". She listened attentively to
what I said.
' * Now, will you do what thet doctor says ? ' '
''Sh^'s awfully stubom," said her next door
neighbor.
"I think she will obey me. It is not very nice
to be sick."
"Mr. Doctor, how much do I owe you," asked
the lady who ate not wisely but too well,
"Twenty dollars, please."
"Great Scott!" exclaimed the old gossip.
"It is expensive to be sick, but it costs money to
get v/ell."
* ' The services of a competent doctor come a little
high nowadays," I said pocketing the twenty dollars
she had given me.
I was still a quack. My case was hopeless. AU
my e(fforts to reform had come to naught. 1 would
spend the balance of my life as a charlatan and all
my promises to the contrary would prove unstable
resolutions. Ralston had now a perfect right to
scold me. Irresolute and vacillating, the plaything
of whim and caprice, thel idea of me ever changing
had long ago faded from his mind.
XXVIX
»>
By this time Mrs Grayson's "Cancer Home
had become widely known. The wards and private
rooms welne lilled. Money was rolling in to us in
a golden stream. Under such circumstances it is
natural for men to be in high spirits. Ralston and
I were as happy as it is possible for dislhonest men
to be. Every crook has a philosophy to justify his
behaviour and we had ours.
But we had moments — many of them — when re-
morse and dispair weighed heavily on us. It was
during these times that the future seemed to reveal
all its secrets to us and the past to force on us its
many lessons and warninigis. I shudder when I
r€/eall the vague indescribable mental suffering we
both experienced. No words can convey an intel-
ligent compi^ehension of what it was like. No one
has the! slightest conception of what it resembles,
only those who have done wrong when reason com-
manded them to do right and who tried to smother
the prickings of conswienoe by claiming that suc-
cess sanctioned and justified all methods of obtain-
ing it.
As the days went by the intimafcei acquaintance
Ralston and I had of each other enabled us to see
the kind of work that was most congenial to us.
As I was niervous and active, a regular dynamo
of restlessnetes, it was agreed that I should look
after all outside patients, while Ralston would take
care of thei inmates of the "Home". I would in-
sist on his prescence only for the purpose of impres-
ing the minds of the credulous and to enable me
the more readily and easily to extract ample fees.
He would b© of invaluable assistance to me in the
art of extortion. All quacks made! usei of such
tactics and we could not afford to be an exception.
Arriving at the hospital I found another case
112
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 113
awaiting me. A littlei girl, whose fathetr conducted
a road house a mile out of town, ha3 been burned
badly. She had overturned a coal oil lamp and sing-
ed he/rself frightfully. Hier father had driven in
haste to the ''Home", where he eixpeicted to find
me. He was indignant because Ralston would not
go and poured down on him a shower of stinging
oaths. I succeeded in pacifying him somewhat and
promised him I'd accompany him to the child at
onc€(.
He was a remarkablel littLe man, a Swiss by birth
and had traveled extensively. He was ruptured
badly and had opened the Road House as a means
of making an easy living. There crowds of Ger-
mans used to gather, drink steins of h&ecc and sing
songs. I found my little patient lying quietly on
tha sofa with her anxious and frightened mother
bending over her and applying flour and water
to her bums. I was a quack, but it didn't occur to
me that this was the best treatment. I had brought
a pint bottle of linimentum calcis, "Lime water and
linse|ed oil", which I poured over her scorched limbs.
In all my experience I had never i^eetii a child
like that. She did not move nor whimper. She
lay (perfectly still and showed a stoicism truly
wonderful for one of her age. She| made a quick
recovery and for attending her I received, as usual,
a handsome fee.
When I r&call how easy it was for me to fleece
people and how readily I succed'ed in causing them
to pay me etxorbitant fees, I think some devil of
lying possessed me. An imp from hell had entered
my soul and destroyed the flower of benevolence
that eiarly in ray career had -exhaled a delicious fra-
grance. This being who had left the infernal re-
gions and taken up an abode in me made me hard
as nails. Mine was plainly a case of "diabolism".
If not that, how explain my selfishness, greed and
untruthfulness ?
XXX
The following day at noon I jum^ped into the
machine and drove down to see a lady who was
suffering with all the morbid symptoms associat-
ed with the climacteric! or change of life. Her con-
dition was as sad as it was deplorable.. A week
previous to calling me in she had made an attempt
on her own life. She had tried to beat her brains
out with a hamm'er. Repenting of what she had
done, in her calmer and more lucid intervals, she
had sent for me.
She was a lady of refinement and Qdueation and
her daughter was a teacher in the public school.
Her husband was a meek man whom everybody
liked. I sat down and had a long talk witi hetr.
The family pQiysician had gone! Bast to visit his
pairents. This was the first trip he had made to see
the old folks since locating in the West. She told
me' how kind and good he had been to her and I
felt rather uncomfortable! when she said his charges
had been very reasonable. I promised to do all I
could for her. whitfh was, of course, nothing. But
I inteinded to make a daily visit to her home to
have a pleasiant chat with her (husband and daugh-
ter, and above all not to forget to jot down my vis-
its in my visiting book.
On this day I found her unusually depressed. She
appearcid listless and apathetic. SIhie showed no
disposition to talk and seemed to be bored by my
ipresence. I, therefone, decided to make< my staj--
short. But I had to do something so it would look
as if I had taken an intetrest in her case and was
trying to cure' Tier. I ordered an eggnog, which
she drank with great reluctance, bade her good-ibye,
not forgetting, however, to promise her she would
soon be well and that I would return to see her on
the morrow.
I had just driven my machine into the garage
at the "Home" when her husband, with a look of
terror on his face, came running in, his h-^nrls frisrht-
114
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 115
fully burned. He was all out of breath and so ex-
cited hei could scarcely speak.
"For God's sake, doctor, come over to the house.
My wife has set fire to herself. Shortly after you
left, my daughter and I sat down to dinner. While
we were thtlre she went q/uickly out into the back
yard, covered herself with coal oil and put a match
to her clothes. "We heard the screaming and rush-
ed to her aid. We succeeded in smothering the fla-
mes, but shei is badly burned all the same. ' '
I took out my R blank and wrote a prescription
which I handed to him.
"Gelt that filled at the drug store across the way,
then hurry to your home. I'll be there."
I might be a quack, but I knew what was good
for bums.
At a breakneck speed I drove down to the un-
fortunate woman's home. Therei all was flurry.
Several of the neighbors, in well meaning efforts
to extinguish the flames, were severely burned.
My patient was lying on the bed unconscious.
She was burned as I had never seen anyone before
in all my lifie.
Directly opposite her sat two Spanish women
saying the ro>s,ary. Truei to tlheir faith they had
not forgotten to pray for her who was so shortly
thenr neighbor and friend.
A hasty examination on my part told me she
could not live. So I took out my (hypodermic case
and gave her a shot of morphine. Next I poured
lime water and linseed oil all over her. This done
there remained one thing more to be thoug'ht of.
That was to ask for my pay, which I did coldly and
formally. When I received it I did something that
must have branded ma a merciless, heartless thief,
for in the nresence and hearing of those grief
stricken people, I grumbled and said it wa<?n't e-
nough. What further proof be needed that I was
a confirmed and incorrigible quack?
XXXI
My next case was a Spanish girl with ravem locks
and white skin, Who had been a victim for "fleec-
ing",, by a company of quacks with headquarters
ovier in town. They had suoceedeid in getting six
hundred dollars from her. She was suffering witih
ozena and anigtina pectoris. She had been bedridden
for some timet.
Her father was janitor at the High
School and the family was dependent
on his meager earnings for support.
I have the most distinct remebrance
cf my visit to this girl. I can see her
now as thouigh she were right before
fne. Beautiful and innocent of the
world she reminded me of an etherial
'being that had come by accident to
earth. Shd had spent a good part of her
life in bed. She had been an invalid
most of her days. What little she knew
of the world of action fbieyond the con-
fines of her father 's home was a child 's
knowledge that had come to her from
listening to the conversation of friends
who occasionally dropped in to see her
mother and to ask how she was igietting
on.
From my first visit I cionsidered her
a saint. I'm positive the girl could not
have spoken an untruth, if she tried.
And as for her doing anything wrong,
it was out of the question. She was
deeply religious, but her piety was of
the quiet variety. Whenever I came
into her presence, hardened old sinneir that I was,
I felt ashamed and unworthy to preiacrijblei for her.
At freqiuent intervals she had attacks of "heart
pang" or agina pectoris, as it is technically call-
116
€ONPESSIONS OF A QUACK 117
ed. It was to releEve- this that sh© sent for me.
li'ut what are wjei to say of a man who would deii-
bcrattuy aeceive a noble creature like this? What
ai-e we to think of| him ? i can offer no esxcuse, or
apology ior what I did. 1 lied to her like I did to
ail the others who had sought my advice. I rob-
bed her poor old father and had no more compunc-
tion in doing so than if he were) a miliionaira. I
did it because I was a quack and for the\ simple
reason that i had lost all seinse of right and wrong.
When 1 sit down quietly by myself and reflect
on what 1 have done, 1 feel as though it would be
better if I had never been born. Indeed I 'm almost
convinced that my passing through this sphere of
action has been a curse. With this thought in my
mind 1 have sat down and written these "Confes-
sions" in the hope that those who read them may
glean some truths to guide and direct them over
their pathway through life. The experiences here-
in rielated when 'studied and analyzed in the pro-
per spirit are pregnant with suggestions. We all
know that it pays to do what is right. And we are
aware that wrong doing brings us troubles and suf-
fering. But the fault with many of us is this : We
won't let the folly of another teach us a leteson. We
want to find out for ourselves. So it took years
for Ralston and I to discover that the life of a
poor and struggling practitioner is infinitely pre-
ferable to that of a prosperous and prominent
quack. We had money, but no peace of mind. Suc-
cess, but no reputation. Mrs. Grayson's "Cancer
Home" had made us rich. We had an ever increas-
ing clientele and one would naturally supposei that
undetr such circumstances we would be happy. But
thei truth is we knew less about happiness than in
the days we were poor and obscure and had no
influeneel and few friends.
XXXII
As 1 entered the "Home" Ealstou stepped ior-
waird and called me into tho otiice. He looked pale
and worried. One glance* was suflicient to tell me
that someitlung had happened.
"I'm sio glad you've got back!" he said, sinking
into a chair.
"What has happened T' I asked.
"Mrs. Grayson's been here," he answered.
"Is that all?"
"That's sufficient. You'll think so when you
hear what she had to say."
"1 hope she hasn't discovered we are quacks."
"That's just what she has. Say, she's just wild.
She's so hopping mad she can hardly talk. 1 never
saw anyone so worked up over anything in all my
life."
"Murder will out."
* ' It will and has. As for you and me we 'd bet-
ter pick up our duds and clear out."
"Nothing stimng when it comes to thei running
away stunt. There's only one thing for you and
me to do and that 's to live it down. ' '
"It can't be done. It is all off with us this time."
"Don't talk that way. Wait till I see Mrs. Gray-
son. I'll convince her that we are the most clever
and honeist m-en that ever lived."
Ralston laugheid.
"I'll give you crddit of being able to tell more lies
than any other man I know. But Mrs. Grayson has
so much evidence that we are,' frauds that I don't
think you will be able to change her opinion of us. ' '
"How did she come to find us out?"
"By watching us closely. It seems she was a
bit suspicious of us from the beginning. But she
preferred to say notlhinigi until she had proof. Do
you remejmber the lady who called us in to see her
sick son?"
118
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 119
"I'll never forget her as long as I live. She was,
if I remember her rightly, the first one who ever
called us quacks."
"Shel is a very close and very dear friend of
Mrs. Grayson. At onoei sh& told her that we were
charlatans. But, as you know, Mrs. Grayson is a
good lady and loath to think evil of any one."
' ' W^e made a great mistake in not reforming long
a/go."
"That's what I have been telling you right a-
long. But you were so sure tlhat we would never
be found out that it was useless for me to talk to
you."
"What are we to do?"
"Clelar out."
"Never. I'll stay and face the music. I'm sure
I can explain everything in such a way that Mrs.
Grayson will believe> we have been misjudged and
maligned. ' '
"If you can it will prove that you are something
more than .a quack."
"It will show that the powers of persuasion that
enabled me to eonvincel people they had diseases
nobody ever heard of and no one ever knew to
exist I still possess. And it will do mone than this.
It will silence detractors, jealous professional ri-
vals of thei lejgitimate school who are green with
envy. You know the world and what t!he heart
of man is like."
Ralston walked away. He had fallen into one of
his moods — periods of compunction when it was
prudent and wise to leave) him alone. Up and
down the' corridor of the "Cancer Home" he walk-
ed, a picture of despair. From the office I watch-
ed him. I noticed eyvery move he made. I observ-
ed the play a:^ elmotions on his face and studied
the conflict of opposing passions and the struggle
for freedom and deliverance from the bondage of
evil. And as I sat there a silent and thoughtful
]20 COMPESSIONS OF A QUACK
witness to the resurrection of a soul that I had
done my share to kill, I was conscious as never be^
fore, of a sense of guilt. It was to my door must
be laid the blame of all the evil that had come into
Ralston 's lifei I was instigator of whatever wrong
he had done. Only for me he would have been a
noble, uipright man. The more I though^t of it the
stronger the conviction became that I had commit-
ted the unpardonable sin the day I hiad persuaded
him to become a iqfuack.
XXXIII
While these thoughts were flitting through my
brain the door bell rang. My visitor was a iitUe
wizened old man, asthmatic and wheezy. He wish-
ed me to go at once to see his wife. It wasn't
far, just a short distance down the street.
I was glad to get away 'from the "Home". I
didn't like to be near Ralston when in a depressed
condition of mind, and I was anxious to shake off
my own fears and anxieties. This call would be a
pleasant antidote for the sudden aspect affairs had
taken. My patient was a women of middle age, suf-
fering with dropsy. Her trouble had been aggra-
vated by over exertion incident to house cleaning. I
ordered her to bed, prescribed infusion of digitalis
and promised her a speedy recovery. Then her
husband escorted ma into the dining room where he
had been counting his monejy. Twenty, ten and
five dollar igiold pieces were scattered carelessly
around. It was a long time since' I had seen so
much money at once, and it occurred to me that
here was my chance to get some of it. I feel the
blush of shame spread over my face as I sit here
and write down the record of my misdeeds. The
sight of that igold fanned thei flame of avarice that
was burning up my soul and ereiated in me a lust
for gain. Before I had time to rea.son or reflect on
the right or wrong of what I was going to do I
struck that poor old man a vicious blow, scooped
up the gold and put it in my pocket. This was
the worst act I had ever done, one that would have
branded me a criminal in any part of the world.
Heretofore I had been satisfied to charge an exor-
bitant fee. Now I was not content unless I grab-
beld all the money in sight. I had deteriorated.
The procefee of degeneracy had gone on in me at
121
122 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
an alarming rate. It was no longer safe for me to
be at larigie. I was a menace to society. Nobody
knew it better than myself. There was no hope for
me now. 1 had reached the acme of wrong doing
and if I did not get away swil't avenging justice
would punish me as I deBerved. As 1 stood still
pondering as to what was best to do, there was a
knock at the door. I trembled from head to foot.
I must do something or I would be caught in the
act of thievery. I quickly spnead the money over
the table. Then 1 opened the door. There stood
Ralston, his clear blue eyes fixed on me in a steady
gaze.
"Mrs. Grayson wants to see you at once. Sent
me down to get you."
He paused and looked around the room. "What's
this?" he exclaimed discovering the old man lying
on the floor.
"Fainted, that's all. He'll come through in a
minute", I replied.
"Let's put him on thei sofa," Ralston said.
"Very well."
"He'll be more comfortaible there."
"Undoubtedly."
We lifted the old man up, placed him on the
sofa and went out.
"How does Mrs. Grayson feel now in thei mat-
ter?" I asked as we walked slowly along.
"Very differently than when I last saw her. She
says she is pretty nearly convinced that the rumors
that have reached her are the outgrowth and result
of professional jealousy and rivalry."
"What did I tell you? I knew it would be easy
to persuade her. Shei's a good woman and it isn't
eiasy for her to think evil of any one."
"If we square ourselves with her and continue
to quack, we ought to have our heads cut off."
"Well said, Ralston. But don't ymi see- the!
pljght we are in?"
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 123
< <
'A very uncomfortable predicament to be sure,,"
"Habits once acquired and allowed to take root
deeply are not easily shaken. That is the reason
why all the good resolutions we made in the past
came to nothing. It also explains satisfactorily our
persistence in wrong doin;g. There is a lesson for
others in our career that I hope they will learn and
I trust have the good sense to follow."
"We w.ere within a stone's throw of the "Home".
On the veranda Mrs. Grayson awaited us walking
nervously up and down.
"Doctor, I want to have a talk with you", she
said in a low, sweet voice.
There was nothing in her manner that indicated
she 'bad other than the kindest feelings for me, I
walked upon the veranda and sat down beside her.
"I understand that you are of the opinion that
I have lost faith in you, ' ' she said.
"I have no such notion," I replied.
"I'm glad to hear it. I was foolish enough to
put credence in certain rumors afloat about you,
which I am happy to say I discovered are false."
I breathed easy. All my fear fled.
"Doctors are not as charitable as they miight be,
and many of them are jealous."
"So I have been told. And I've lieard it said
that they will stoop to underhanded methods to
injure a rival. I can understand how many of them
feel sore because I favored you and Ralston. I did
so because I believed you didn't have a fair chance
to get on and make good, and I rejoice when I
think ibk)th of you proved worthy of the high expec-
tations I had of you. Reflect a moment on wliat
you have done. Think how well you have managed
the "Home". Therei were those, many of them
who predicted it would be a failure. Thank good-
ness, it has been a great success."
"None of us can escape being talked about."
324 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
"Quite so. That is somethinjgi we must cxpoKJt
whether we deserve it or not."
"What have the gossips said about us "
"1 wouldn't like to hurt your feelings."
"My sensibilities won't be wounded in the least."
' ' 'iiney say you arel a pair of quacks. ' '
1 laughed.
"People often say things they don't mean."
"But those who heard it say it were very much
in earnest."
"Nevertheless misinformed."
"To be sure."
"And easily decedved.'
* ' Yes. There 's no qfuestion but what they were. ' '
"Do you suppose we would have aohieved any
success if we had been (qoiacks?"
"It hardly seems probable."
"Think of the wonderful cures we have effected
here in this "Cancer Home"? Wihat further proof
need you of our knowledge and skill Why give
credence to a rumor that jealous rivals have
spread?"
Mrs. Grayson was beaming and smiling^ on me.
My logic had dispersed any doubts she may have
had.
As a legitimate practitioner I had early perceiv-
ed the power flattery has. None are too wise or
old not to be Susceiptible to it. But it was not un-
til I had become a full fledged quack that I saw
its untold possibilities.
"Mrs. Grayson, I don't think that Ralston and
myself deserve the credit. It is you who should
have all the praise. Your benevolence made possi-
ble the "Home". Only for your goodness of heart
I would still be a poor and obscure practitioner.'*
"You've more than repaid me for what I hare
done. You've mad© t<hel " Cancer Home" a big sue-
wCoS*
XXXIV
I had succeeded in restoring Mrs. Grayson's faith
in us, I did not think it would be so easy. I had
counted on her demandinig; proof of the claim we
had made o»f observing medical ethics. But, instead
of seeking evidence to prove the truth of what
I said, she took my word for it. In all my expe^-
rience as a quack I had never met one so adverse
to thinking evil of any one. She seemed a woman
w'th so much goodness of heart and ncbility of
soul that sihe could not come to the way of belieiv-
ing that two thirds of mankind were dishonest and
insincere. And yet she' possessed unusual intelli-
gence and had an accurate knowledge of men.
When I tried to analyze her chaTacter and ex-
plain the traits that endeared her to all who knew
her, I must express the opinion that her kind are
all too rare, and if men and women accepted her as
a model, we would have a beautiful world in which
to pass the days that are allotted to us. When I
reflect that I madei her a du^pe and a tool for the
furtherance of my own selfish aims, I feel as though
I committed a crime for which there is no forgive-
ness. But, like all other wrong doers, I will try to
justify it on the plea that I Avas not given a chance.
I will contend with a measure of plausibility that
an opportuitty was denied me and that T only took
advantage of the credulity of an unsuspecting wo-
man. I know there are many who will say my view
point is the correct one. They will argjiie with
sound logic that the economic system under which
we live is wrong and they will present facts and
data to show why crooks and charlatans abound.
With all due respect to their sincerity and well
rae-aning efforts to reconcile the contradiction
between men's lives and professed beliefs, I am
constrained to say the fault lies in f nil en man
himself. To his door, not to that of the< existing
125
126 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
industrial order otr to any improved form of society
that social evolution may unfold, must be traced
the sin and evil that embitters life and makes the
world a vale of tears.
On many occasions Ralston and I ihave gone! over
this ground. We have examined it from every
conceivable angle. In doiujg) so we have cast aside
all prejudice. And then wel have reached the only
solution for the corruption of society. It is a con-
clusion that will bear the test of critical analysis.
You must reform man first. The initial step to bei
taken in changing the complex system under which
we live is to cultivate the heart or moral side of
man. His conscience and will are faculties deserv-
ing the most attention.
But I am not going to pMosophize or moralize
on this question. It would only weiary you in read-
ing it. I have touched upon it liigihtly because it
seemed to me to have a bearing on my career as
qtuack.
When I began to write these* "Confessions," I
thought to confine them to a narration of personal
experiences. But, as I went on with the work, in-
cidents were crowded out and in their place came
reflections that I am afraid makel dry and heavy
reading. I have not related one third the cases I
treated. I have just selected a few at random that
came to my memory. There has been no attempt
to classify them or arrange them in the order of
their natural sequence. And yet, in looking over
them, I find I have been fairly accurate. T have
told the story of my li!fe as clearly as I know how.
You may be inclined to accuse me of gross exaigi-
geration, but I assurei you T give you my word of
honor as a successful and higly respected quack,
that I have gone to the other exfreme. I have
purposely refrained from telling many of the heart-
less things T did, lest you would condemn me as a
monster of cunning and deceit.
XXXV
The fear and anxiety that had so shortly tortur-
ed us fled. Once more we were on friendly terms
with Mrs. Grayson. Our benefactress has assured
us she no longer believed the rumor that had been
spre^ad about. The load of worry that had wheigh-
ed so heavily and made the futures one of uncer-
tainty was removed. All our old time bouyancy re-
turned. We were light hearted and gay, life had
a new meaning and we saw unprecedented success
loom beforei us.
One day after dinner as I sat on the veranda of
the "Home" thinking of the unfortunate turn
affairs had taken, Ralston came up and sat down
near me. His manner was serious and he had a
thoughtful, preoccupied air.
"How do you feel?" I asked.
"As usual," he- replied.
"Another way of saying that you are well and
happy."
* ' Well without doubt. But far from happy. Say,
old pal, I want to get away from here."
' ' Away from here ? What 's come over you ? ' '
"Nothing. Disgruntled, that's all."
"Something's gone wrong. Tell me all about it."
"This place is not big enough for us."
"Not bijg enough? What do you mean?"
"Not large enough for our ambition. We've
quite outgrown its narrow limitations."
"I don't understand you."
"Allow me to make myself clear."
"Do so, by all melans,"
"We have been a success, haven't avo?"
"We ceirtainly ha vie. In spite, too, of the fact
that we are the worst pair of quacks that ever liv-
ed."
"T suggest that we take outside offices where
127
128 CONT^SSIONS OF A QUACK
the watchful eyes of Mrs, Grayson won't ibe on
us."
"Your suggestion is a good one. Why didn't we
think of it before?"
"We thought of nothing beyond "fleecing" our
victims. ' '
"It's time we had nobler and loftier thoughts
in our heads."
"Well said. So you are with me?"
"We'll retain supervision over it. But Mrs.
Grayson will have to get younger and less com-
petent men to reside behind its walls "
"It's about time we* branched out for ourselves."
'That's Avhat I've thoufrht for a long time."
"Now and always. But what's to become of the
"Home"?
At considerable length Ralston and I discussed
the advisability of this and that location. We
agreed it should be central, within easy reach of
the "Cancer Home". We would show jealous pro-
fessional rivalsy who wera trying to ruin us, what
we could do. Wouldn't they turn igreen with envy
when they saw us in our new quarters? We might
expect more vicious attacks. But this time we
were prepared for them. At the "Cancer Home"
we had made use of our time. We had studied
and read extensively. On the imfortunate patients
who had been admitted, we had conducted all kinds
of eixperiments and we had no thought of the out-
come. We cared little what the consequences
were as long as we weren't found out. Thus in a
little while we had become bold and daring opera-
tors. There was no surgical case we wouldn't tackle
with full confidence in our ability to see it through
successfully. We could hold our own with any of
them. And when it came to gietting our money
we outclassed all of them.
XXXVI
When we unfolded our plan to Mrs. Grayson she
was indignant. She stormed and raved as though
she was mad. I didn't think a women cf her re-
finement could say the thing.s she did. She aecuss-
ed us of ingratitude. She imputed selfishness as the
motive of our going away. She even threatened to
put the police on us and find out just what kind of
doctors we were. It looked as though we stint-
ed a hornet's nest of trouble for ourselves. And
it was quite) beyond our power to pacify her. No
explanation we could offer would suffice. No excu-
se or apology diminished her rage. Her indigna-
tion instead of lessening seemingly increased with
the passing of thej days. To her way of thinking
we had committed, an unpardonable offence. It
looked as if we had lost the best friend we ever
had.
For a while both of us were disconsolate, each in
turn accusing the other of lack of judgment. "We
did not fully understand the mistake we had made
until we were se*ttled in our new home. Here we
missed the sympathy and encouragement our bene-
factress used to bestow so lavishly upon us. We
had no one to tell our troubles to, nobody to look
to for advice and guidance.
For a while it seemed though we would never be-
come reconciled to the mistake we had made. But
little by little we adjusted ourselves to our new en-
vironemettit. Gradually we forgot the "Cancer
Home" in which we had passed so many pleasant
days. We even ceased to think of Mre. Grayson. She
had slipped quietly out of our lives.
When I recollect how shabbily we treated that
good woman my remorse and shame are so great
that I cannot find words to desicribe it. She- had
raised us up from poverty and obscurity to riches
129
130 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
and prominence. She had a mother's solicitude for
us. And we repaid her goodness and benevolence
deceiving and betraying her. When I reflect up-
on it I wondet why two sudh rascals were ever
born. And if their coming here was an accident
then may I ask why a merciful Providence didn't
take them away before they were peirmitted to do
so much mischief?
As I ponder on all the wrong I'have done and see
so little that is good to balancei it, I cannot but
conclud'e that my life has been a miseraible failure.
Ralston and I have thousands of dollars in bank
that accumulated in a way that no man with a
drop of manhood's blood in his veins would be
proud of. Infinitely more cowardly than the high-
way man who steals stealthily upon you under the
cover of night were we who took advantage of
people's ignorance and fear. There is some excuse
for the footpad. There was none for us. "We had
prostituted a noble calling not a money getting
igame, where lying and stealing were necessary ac-
complishments.
WiQ, had carried on a traffic in the pain racked,
disease tortured bodies of women and men. If you
can tell me of a lower or more base business, do so
at once, for I have exhausted my thinlring capacity
in trying to imagine it. Before the Bar of Justice
I expect some day to be tried and an errorless equity
will impose upon me the punishment I deserve.
Wlhat that will bei I do not know. I must confess it
is rather unpleasant to think upon.
XXXVII
Our new offices occupied the four frontrooms of
a fashionable apartment house one mile from the
"Cancer Home". The location was ideal. It suit-
ed us exactly. We were both of the opinion that it
was th.e best that anywhere could be found. Here
we met the finest people. Men and women of in-
fluence and wealth were in out clientele. We had
no use for the poor and as far as we could tried
to avoid them and to forget that any of them lived.
There was something about a shabbily dressed or
indigent person that gave us the shivers. It brought
back to our minds things that w^e wished to forget.
We were living on Easy Street and we didn't want
to know there was such a place as Poverty Row.
We had no regular hours. People wishing to see
us made an appointment, failinig to keep which we
charged them just as though they had a consulta-
tion.
W^i furnished our offices in an impressive style
and made a great display of books and instruments.
We didn't have to wait for patients. Our names
had preceded us, bringing us hundreds of the sick
and ailing. We decided to be a bit careful for we
were handlinigi quite a different class from that we
had been accustomed to treat at the "Cancer
Home". Tihis time we intended to be on our guard.
A slip or two might be our undoing. The people
we were now called upon to prescribe for were
intelligent and familiar with the methods of the
best doctors. We couldn't "flim flam" them as
we did the poor wretcihies over at Mrs. Grayson's.
The best we could hope to do wais to set a high
price on our services and see* that we got paid.
I have the most pleasant memories of this loca-
tion. Here I met only refined, educated people.
The days passed (quickly bringing me an abundan-
181
132 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
ce of the ever needful and I had no fear of any-
thing. Ralston was also well pleased. He no long-
er had the ' * moods ' ' which while they lasted made
him a disagreable companion. Our present methods
met with his approval and his mental condition
was the best. _..^
It amuses me"greatly and affords me material for
reflection w^hen I ponder on the absurd and ridi-
culous praise, that was heaped on us by people one
would suppose should be good judges of character.
It seems to me from a worldy standpoint the best
thinig to have is reputation. Once let it be said
that a man is clever and notice the "hub bufb" that
is made over some insignificant achievement that
in lesser celebritiesi would excitei no comment. I
have to smile when I recall the extravagant praise
that was heajped on us. More than once I found
it difficult to refrain from laughing upon hearing
people utter encomiums about us. Verily the world
rests on a foundation of fraud and loves to be de-
ceived by appearances. Early in our career we
learned that fully ninety petr cent of mankind did
little or no thinking. This knowledge was invalua-
ble to us in applying our methods of wholesale rob-
bery. It enabled us to make a lie seem true and
caused men and women to mistake bragging and
exaggeration for a modest declaration of ability.
No amount of book leamingj, travel or observa-
tion could give me the accurate and thorough know-
ledge of human nature I acquired as a quack. Al-
low me five minutes conversation with a man or
a woman and I know all a'bout them. That may
seem a little) far fetched and overdrawn. Yet I
can prove to the most skeptical that it is true. For
instance, one day, as I sat alone in the office ru-
minating on my mottled career, a gentlemen neatly
attired and with refined, polished manners, came
in. He excused himself for obtruding. I assured
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 133
him his visit was not intrusive and asked if there
was some favor he wanted.
"Are you a mind reader?" he asked.
"I make no pretensions in that line, yet I can
prove it to you."
I studied him closely a minute. He had a good
face, frank and open with traces of refinement and
gentle breedintg.
"You are in trouble, not the domestic variety,
but the money kind."
He looked at me with open mouthed wonder.
"You have met with reverse«s. You have lost
all you possessed in speculation."
He was dumbfounded. His lips moved but no
words escaped them.
"Why didn't you come to me and ask me what
was best to do? Don't you know it is rash and
foolish to rely on one's own judgement solely?"
His eyes were staring wildly.
" If I knew you were goinigi to take that step that
has brought you financial ruin I could have saved
you."
"Doctor, I have heard many people speak of
you. They told me the wonderful cures you effect-
ed. But I never thought you could do a thinjg like
that. I ciannot pay you, but I can do something
for you that will mean more to you than the few
dollars I owe you. I can tell what a wonderful man
He grabbed his hat and rushed out.
you are."
The day before, while walking along the street,
Ralston had pointed out this man to me and told
me the story of his recent losses.
Wheta. my colleague stepped in I promptly in-
formed him of our latest and most desirable patient.
He laughed heartly and seemed to think it a .wood
joke.
"You're a natural bom quack. I've said that
right along."
134 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
"But don't you see the possibilities that lie hid-
den in this case?" I asked.
"A chance to lie, that's all."
"Isn't that enough?"
"Quite sufficient for you and me."
"We now have a new graft. Mind reading is
our latest acquisition."
"There's a mint in it for us if we go about it
riightly, ' '
Before us was a new and unexplored field. Here
was a venture fascinating and sure to give brilliant
results. Strange we had not thought of it before.
XXXVIII
lialston and 1 now plunged with enthusiasm into
the study of occultism. Our first step was to pur-
chase a library of the latest books dealing with
mind reading. This done we set to work to famili-
arize ourselves with their contents. For once we
would be serious, earnest students. We looked
over the new works that had, as we supposed,
direct or indirect bearingi on our specialty, and
sv.lecteld Tukes "Influence of Mind on Body" as an
eye opener. This we read most carefully. From it
we learned some of the laws of the mind that gov-
ern the body, whioh would enable us to find our
way ot of the labyrinth of mystery into which our
investigation had leld us.
As we received patients only by appointment we
had abundant leisure. And we possessed ample
time to absorb the knowledge we intended to use
fraudulently. After two weeks of careful digging
we concluded we had learned the salient facts and
that we were quite competent to add a new line of
lying to our lonig list of cheating. So above our door
appeared the word "mentalist".
The sign attracted considerable attention and
created no end of comment. No one seemed able
to say just what it did mean. Naturally it brought
us many new patients. The inquisitive wisihed to
find out. The mentally sick hoped to be cured.
I wish I had the) time and space to tell in full
the story of our wonderful experience. But I will
have to be satisfied and rest content with giving a
few generalities, allowing the imaigination of the
reader to supply the details.
I had no idea there were so many mentally sick
people in the world. I hadn't a vague and remote
notion that men and women in every walk of life
135
136 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
were so utterly miserable. If I could give you
the history of the eases that we treated you would
scarcely believe what you read. You would rightly
concede that our so-called civilization is a oolossal
failure and that its glories and greatness are built
upon a foundation of ruined lives. Better by far
the condition of primitive man, where derelicts were
unknown and delinquents had no place.
One day, just after Ralston and I had a heated
argument on this very .question, a middle aged man
stepped into the office. He< was well dressed and
looked prosperous and, one would wonder what on
earth had brought him to us.
"Gentlemen, you were highly recomended toi me
by a man w<ho swears you are' the most wonderful
mind reader he ever met."
A friend of the man who had lost all in specula-
tion. Not improbable another victim. Ralston and
I decided to take a chance. As I had a positive
way of saying things I concluded that it was best
that I should act as spokesman.
"You, like your friend who sent you here, made
a grave mistake. AH speculation is risky. Here
you go and invest heavily and lose the greater por-
tion of your fortune. But you had considerable
foresi(g)ht in allowing some of your money to re-
main in bank where a year previous you had de-
posited it."
"Wondetrful! How do you do it?"
"It is largely a matter of concentration. Like
all difficult things,, once learned it is quite easy."
Hei opened his purse and placed a twenty dollar
bill on the desk.
"Take my advi^ie and leave your money where it
is safe."
"Thank you," he said and went out.
"What do they want to come herei for, anyway?"
I asked.
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 137
"Because they are fools and we are quacks," re-
plied Ralston.
**So that is your exlplanation, is it?" I said.
"Yes."
"Here is mine, Theise unfortunates are the easy
victims of clever rascals who ''fleece" them un-
mercifully. When they are trimmed to a finish
they fe&l sore and seek the advice of some one sup-
posed to be able to give them relieif."
"And we put the finishing touches to the job by
taking from them the few dollars they have left,
as we have in this particular case,"
I laughed, I saw the comeldy of the thing, where
in truth it was most pathetic. There is no humor
in robbing men and women of the earnings of their
lifetime.
XXXIX
In the specialty of " mentalist ' ' we I'omid inucii
to stimulate thought and create a desire for study.
We discovered that after all is said, life of the hu-
man on this planet is largely mental. I know there
will be many who will take exception to this and
who will say that man is just an animal. But those
who accept this view have surely not studied, him
from close range in times of trouble and sorrow,
or when the mental side of him is most imperative
and dominant.
Delving into psychology may bring no practi-
cal results, but it certainly strengihtens our belief
in a continuance of life after the curtain is runtg
down on the short and miserable drama in which
some of us play important parts, I can speak au-
thoritatively on this subject, for I was a quack;
and what a charlatan doesn't know isn't worth
while to learn. My experience, I include that of
my colleague, as well, bared the heart and soul
of man to mie far beyond my hopes and expecta-
tions. I soon knew all the secrets that men and
women keep from their closest friends.
I also understood the influence far reaching
and often deplorable in consequence that pas-
sions exert. And my opinion was asked on deli-
cate questions, and my advice sought in matters of
supreme moment to the individual. When I think
of the trust reposed in me and recall how basely
and falsefty I kept that faith I feel as though I am
some sort of a monster moulded out of proportion
and beyond all human semblance.
What would the poor dupes say whom I fooled
and robbed, if they knew me as I know myself? I
don't think I would have been given a chance to
write "Confessions of a Quack". Long ago they
138
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 139
would have dealt me as I deserved. But may be I
was spared and allowed to compile/ this strange
biography so full of inaccuracieis and inconsisten-
cies to teach the lesson that it pays to follow the
straight and narrow path, and that virtue is its
own reward. These are days when men and wo-
men scoff at these truths and call them old fashion-
ed and out of date. But they are just as binding,
none the less obligatory, than they were of old.
Truth never changes. It is the same today, tomor-
row and always.
If tJiose who read this book are impressed at all,
it will not be of its intrinsic m^rit, for its title to
that is small indeed. But it will be for the candor
of the author, who has told frankly what he has
done, and has sought no justification of it. I have
be^n a quack most of my days. That is not to my
credit. It is something of which I am deeply
ashamed. But I've not stood alone. I've had Ral-
ston and thousands of otherst to keep me company.
I could never have acted without a partner the part.
No crook does. All feel the need of others to lean
on for support. No man is so strong willeid that
he can do without another's guidance. Bfesides
there were times when I was puzzled and perplexed
— when I felt the need of someone close to me —
someone I reveirenced and trusted to advise me.
Many knotty problems I have solved, questions of
casuistry and the ethical side of the various re-
lations of life. I have done some good. All the
wicked do. No man is so bad and depraved that
a few rays of goodness are not found in his dark-
ened career. Wheighed in the scales of the blind-
folded goddess, the evil I have done greatly outbal-
ances the good.
XL
One day, as we sai in tb^ office discussing the
strange eases that came our way, our miuds driftetd
to Mrs. Grayson's and the "Cancer Home". We
wondered how she was getting along, who was
managing the place where we passed our happiest
days and made so much money. Were our succes-
sors men of honor or unjprincipled quacks?
Wei found ourselvies wishing intensely to know all
about the hospital we had dishonored.
The longer we talked about it the stronger be-
came our desire to find out. So we decided to pay
our old home an informal visit. Neither of us
were timid men; we had an abundance of nerve.
We wouldn't be quacks if we didn't. We knew Mrs.
Grayson well. We believed she would forgive us
and receive us with open aonns. Such natures as
hers didn't hold grudges long, and as we were ex-
perienced liars we could invent a story that would
explain satisfactorily just why w© had gon«i.
But supposing she insisted that we stay and re-
sumel our old duties? That thought changed the
aspect of every thing. It gave a different coloring
to our proposed visit. We oould never do that. We
had no intiention of settlfng down to the monotony
of hoslpital life. We were done with that forever.
We had progressed way beyond the necessity of it.
We were mentalists now and knew all about the
mystery of the human mind. The best we could do
for Mrs. Grayson was to act as visiting consultants,
leaving the management to wiser, and to be can-
did, more honest heads.
We debated for a considerable time what was
best to do. We were both anxious to see our old
home and to discover if any chariges were made
during our absence.
140
CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK 141
Suddenly the door opened and, to our great joy
and intense surprise, Mrs, Grayson came in.
"Thoug'ht I would drop in and see how you were
getting on", she said.
She looked remarkably well, wa^ji stylishly dress-
ed, and, to all outward appearances, had gotten
along nicely without us.
"We were just about to pay you a visit," I said.
"Were you, indeed? I thought sooner or later
you would come. But I got weary waiting for you
and decided to go to you., if you wouldn't come to
me."
"It is wonderfully good and kind of you and we
deserve nothing from you."
"I often think I have been a foolish woman."
"Foolish to put faith in worthless curs like us."
"Neither of you showed much apreciation of
what I did."
"I am sorry to admit we didn't. I regret to say
we were very ungrateful."
"What excuses can you make?"
"None."
"Th'en explain what you did."
"We did the thing that might be expected, had
you known the kind of doctors we were. Mrs. Cray-
son, allow me to inform you that we are quacks."
"Goodness, I can't believe that!"
"Belierve it or not, it is tnie."
"Neither of you looked it."
"That fact explains our wonderful success. Peo-
ple believed we were souls of honor when, as a
matter of fact, w;e werie devoid of principle. Our
one thought was how we might get the better of
people, which we usually did."
' ' Not for a moment did I think that of you. ' '
"We were aware of it. We know you discredit-
ed the rumors that were afloat about us. It was
very evident that you had unbounded faith in us.
The "Cancer Home" vouched for it."
142 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
The moment I mentioned the "Home" Mrs. Gray-
son bit her lip. Her face flushed, her eyes blazed.
She was now a fighting tigress ready to spring.
' ' It makes me boil with indigmation when I think
of it. My heart and soul were in that institution.
I trusted both of you as I did no one else. I believ-
ed you incapable of wrong doing. And what do
I discover? That you are quacks, thoroughly dis-
honest, wholly incompetent. You deceived and
batraydd me, you lied to me, you even robbed me.
You talked me into submitting to an operation
when it was unnecessary and told me I had a dis-
ease I didn't. You, rascals., don't you ev^er dare to
come to see me. Keep away from the "Cancer
Home" which you dishonored. You are a disgrace
to your profession. Doctors! Bah! You're* a pair
of quacks. You know you are. I'm through with
you. Good day!"
She rose and givin? us a look of scorn swept in-
dignantly past us and went out.
"I guess we'll postpone that trip to the "Cancer
Home", I said.
"Indifinitoly," replied Ralston.
Both of us liegan to think o|f ,some means by
which we might pacify Mrs. Grayson. Something
must be done to appease her wrath. It was possi-
ble that she might stir up no end of trouble for us.
"We must recoveir the good will of that wo-
man," I said.
"Impossible!" exclaimed Ralston.
XLI
Nothing is so difficult that it is beyond the at-
tainment of quacks. "We could lay this down aa a
law and axiomatic truth. Confronted with dif-
ficulties that would have harrassed ordinary men,
Ralston and I rose above circumstances and over-
came obstacles that to less positive natures would
have been insurmontable. We were endowed with
aggressiveness way beyond the average. We were
hopeful and persistent in our efforts. We never
admitted defeat or acknowledged discouragement.
When I think of it, our success is not so wonderful
after all. It is the natural selqiuence and result of
a faithful obedience and unerring subservience to
laws that are inexorably fixed.
We achieved what we did in a dishonest way
by the hardest kind of labor. If you think it was
all smooth and easy sailing for us. you are miis-
taken. Our ship was often in troublBfl wntoi^. Wf
knew what it meant to be denounced and exposed.
We took despeirate chances, but somehow good luck
was always on our side. We managed to escape
the traps that jealous rivals laid for us. We were
careful to keep within the law and this explains
our success and the ease and adroitness with which
we accomplished things.
But that doesn't paliate or ebccuse what .we did.
Neither does it expiate our rascality or efface the
blot that besmears our name. There is a lasting
stigma on us. Try as we may in years to come, we
cannot undo the evil we have done. We were un-
true to ourselves, false to our patients, traitors to
our friend®. And to Mrs. Grayson, one of the no-
blest women that ever lived, wp were ingratoR.
There is something about ineratitude from w'hi^h
we all recoil. And when T think of how basely
143
144 CONFESSIONS OF A QUACK
we treated our benefactress^ I wonder at her pa-
tience and forbearance. Her generosity was equal-
led by her tolerance, and her charity was as great
as her compassion.
As I never married and it is time I should, I'm
going to see what kind of a chance I have in win-
ning the hand of the woman I fooled and robbed
and whose benetvolence I despised. I'll have to
admit the odds are against me. I have to fiigoire on
Ralston as a possible rival. So you will have to
be patient and wait a while.
I think it is about time I brought these * ' Confes-
sions of a Quack" to an end. The writing of them
has been a pleasant passtime. I don 't know what their
reading will mean to you. But to me, as I wade
through the pageis of the manuscrit, it seems as
thouig^ I have held up to you in a weak and puerile
manner my own folly and vices. In a rather am-
ateurish way I have chronicled a few of the inci-
dents that have been exciting, escapades in my life.
The "Confessions" were written in haste, in the
midst of distraction, and that explains) all their
inaccuracies and inconsisten-cies and accounts for
their glaring defects. Quacks are very imperfect
and their imperfection is never more apparent than
when they write a record of their misdeeds.
THE END
Mpsjd
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