BANCROFT 
 LIBRARY 
 
 -o- 
 
 THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
TO THE 
 
 READERS OF "THE LARK 
 
 WHO HAVE LAUGHED 
 
 THEY KNEW NOT WHY, 
 
 THESE INARTISTIC ABERRATIONS 
 
 ARE GRATEFULLY DEDICATED. 
 
 GELETT BUHGESS 
 
 COPYRIGHT BY WILLIAM DOXEY 
 651 MARKET ST., SAN FRANCISCO 
 
 i 8 " 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 j. The Story of the GIANT HORSE, 
 'T is quite Improbable of course. 
 
 2. MY FEET; a Memoir, with a fhase 
 Resernblmg some Equestrian Ways. 
 
 3. TH' INVISIBLE BRIDGE; a sort of Fable, 
 Please understand it, if you 're able. 
 
 4. On CITY FLORA, semi-culled 
 
 By one whose Fame has somewhat dulled. x 
 
 5. The PURPLE COWS projected Feast; 
 Reflections on a Mythic Beast 
 
 That's quite Remarkable, at least. 
 
 6. On DIGITAL EXTREMETIES; 1 
 A Poem (and a gem it is !). 
 
 7. MY HOUSE and how I make MY BED; 
 A Nocturne for a Sleepy-Head. 
 
 To these,. 
 
 8. A LEGEND, Rare and Superfine, 
 
 Cribbed, some will say, from FRANKENSTEIN, 
 
 (It is a little in that Line). 
 
IflIP 
 
 Once there wa$- a GIANT HORSED 
 That walked through all the Town, 
 
 A-stepping into all the Roofs, 
 And Smashing Houses down! 
 
My Feet they haul me 'round the House; 
 They hoist me up the Stairs; 
 
 / only have to steer them and 
 They ride me everywberes. 
 
/ V never dare to walk across 
 A Bridge I could not see, 
 
 
 'te afraid of falling 
 that I should be ! 
 
There is a Theory some deny. 
 That Lamp Posts once were three foot higf), 
 
I never saw a PURPLE COW, 
 
 But I can tell you, anyhow, I'd 
 
I never HOPE to see one; 
 
 rather SEE than BE one! 
 
d rather have Fingers than Toes}- 
 
 I V rather have Ears than a Nose; 
 
 And as for my Hair, 
 I 'm glad it 9 s all there, 
 
 I '// be awfully sad when it goes I 
 
My House is made of Graham Bread, 
 Except the ceiling 's made of White' 
 
 Of Angel Cake I make my Bed; 
 I eat my Pillow every night! 
 
THE PECULIAR HISTORT OF THE 
 CHEWING-GUM MAN. 
 
 WILLIE, an' Wallie, an' Huldy Ann, 
 They went an' built a big CHEWIN'- 
 
 GUM MAN: 
 
 It was none o' your teenty little dots, 
 With pinhole eyes an' pencil-spots; 
 But this was a terribul big one well, 
 'T was a' most as high as the Palace Hotel! 
 
 It took ' 'em a year to chew the gwm / / 
 
 And Willie he done it all, 'cept some 
 
 That Huldy got her ma to chew, 
 
 By the time thp head was ready to do. 
 * * * # 
 
 Well, Willie he chewed it for days V days; 
 
 They brung it to him in gret big drays; 
 
 An' fast as he got it good an' soft, 
 
 Then Wallie he come an<d carried it oft. 
 
 Then he ' d roll it into a gret big ball, 
 
 Ari he made a-more'n a BILLION in all! 
 
 Then Huldy Ann she spanked 'em flat 
 
 An' pinched an' poked, an' the like o' that 
 
 Till she got it inter a gret big hunk 
 
 My ! did n't Huldy have the spunk ! 
 
 And then she sliced one end half-way 
 
 To make the laigs ('cause they never stay 
 
 When you stick ' em on in a seprit piece 
 
 Seems like the ends was made o' grease); 
 
 And she slit an arm right up each side, 
 
 I could n't a done it if I 'd a tried ! 
 
 O' course, her brothers they helped her, though, 
 
 An' rolled the arms an' laigs out, so 
 
 They all was smooth with roundin' bends 
 
 An' chopped the fingers inter the ends ! 
 
 An' when their mother had chewn the head, 
 
 She went an' stuck it on, instead ! 
 
THE CHEWING-GUM MAN, 
 
 An' then, whtn the man was almost done, 
 
 They had, an awfullots o' fun. 
 
 A-walkin' down his stummick was best 
 
 To make the buttons onter his vest ! 
 
 They struck big cartwheels in him for eyes; 
 
 His eyes was both tremendous size ; 
 
 His nose was a barrel an* then beneath 
 
 They used a ladder, to make his teeth ! 
 
 An' when he was layin' acrost the street 
 
 Along come their daddy, as white 's a sheet, 
 
 He was skeert half outer his wits, I guess, 
 
 An' he did n't know whatter make o' the mess, 
 
 But Huldy she up an' begun to coax 
 
 To have him down town, to skeer the folks ! 
 
 So her dad he grabbed him offen the street, 
 
 An' Willie an' Wallie they took his feet, 
 
 An' they dragged him clean d9wn to the Cogswell fountain, 
 
 An' stood him up as big as a mountain ! 
 
 You 'd orter.seen him a-standin' there, 
 
 A-straddlin' Market street in the air ! , , 
 
 Well, he stood up straight for a week 'n' a half 
 An' the folks, Gee ! did n't they yell 'n' laff : 
 t The boys clum up his laigs quite bold 
 The gum was so soft they got good hold ; 
 The cars run under him day an' night, 
 An' the people come miles to see the sight ! 
 Well, after he 'd stayed as stiff's a post, 
 With his J^ead on top o' the roofts almost, 
 The sun come outer the fog one day 
 . An' well, I guess you can see the way 
 That gret big feller begun to melt; 
 Imagine how Willie and Wallie felt ! 
 For first he cocked his head out some, 
 An' when the heat got inter the gum 
 He slowly waved his arms ahead 
 An' slanted forred, just like he was dead 1 
 
CONTINUED. 
 
 An' all day long he leaned an 3 bent 
 
 Till all expected he would have went 
 
 An' pitched right over. They roped the street 
 
 To keep the crowd away from his feet. 
 
 I tell yer he was a sight; my soul ! 
 
 Twicet as high as a telegraft pole, 
 
 Wavin' his arms an' slumpin' his feet 
 
 Aa' a-starin' away down Market s.treet. 
 
 Then, what did I tell yer that blame old head 
 
 Their mother had made a-seprit, instead, 
 
 It fell right off an' squashed a horse ! 
 
 ('T was so soft it did n't kill him, o' course.) 
 
 When his hands got so they touched the ground 
 
 A hundred policemen they come around; 
 
 They stuck a cable-car to his feet, 
 
 An' one to his head, a goin' up street, 
 
 An' then they pulled him opposite ways, 
 
 An' they pulled him for days 'n' days V days, 
 
 An' they drored him out so slim an' small 
 
 That he reached a mile'ri a half, in all. 
 
 An' that was the end o' the CHEWIN'-GUM MAN 
 For Willie, an' Wallie, an Huldy Ann. 
 They come aldng with an ax next day, 
 An' chopped him up. \and guv him away. 
 
HO '11 be the Clerk!" 
 I!"said77/ LARK. 
 

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