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 LONDON; 
 
 GEORGE ROUTLEDGE<SSONS 
 AND L.C.GENT.
 
 JORROCKS' 
 
 JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES. 
 
 The Hunting, Shooting, Racing, Driving, Sailing, 
 Eccentric and Extravagant Exploits 
 
 OF THAT RENOWNED SPORTING CITIZEN, 
 
 MR. JOHN JORROCKS. 
 
 ^ivteni CoTomet) fflltii^tiationji hv ^fnii? ^Vkm. 
 
 FOURTH EDITION, 
 
 REVtSED AND ENLARGED. 
 
 LONDO N.- 
 GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS, 
 AND L. C. GENT. 
 1874.
 
 LONDON : 
 
 PRINTED BY J. OGDEN AND CO., 
 
 172, ST. JOHN STREET E.G.
 
 CON TEN TS. 
 
 The Swell and the Surrey . . . . 
 
 The Yorkshireman and the Surrey 
 
 Surrey Shooting: Mr. Jorrocks in Trouble 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks and the Surrey Stag-hounds 
 
 The Turf: Mr. Jorrocks at Newmarket 
 
 A Week at Cheltenham . 
 
 Aquatics: Mr. Jorrocks at Margate 
 
 The Road: English and French 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks in Paris 
 
 Sporting in France . 
 
 A Ride to Brighton . 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks's Dinner-Party 
 
 The Day After the Feast 
 
 PAGE 
 
 I 
 i8 
 43 
 65 
 
 83 
 
 109 
 122 
 
 153 
 188 
 
 214 
 
 235 
 246 
 
 271
 
 ILL USTRA TIONS. 
 
 1. Mr. J orrocks Telegraphs the Fox .... to face title. 
 
 2. Title 
 
 PAGE 
 
 3. The Appearance of Swell astonishes the Surrey Hunt . . 9 
 
 4. Mr. Jorrocks introduces the Yorkshireman to the Surrey. . 30 
 
 5. Squire Cheatum's Keeper attacks the Murderer of Old Tom . 53 
 
 6. Jorrocks's Hunt Breakfast — a terrible Surprise ... 69 
 
 7. Mr. Jorrocks declares his inability to subscribe to the Surrey 
 
 Stag-hounds 73 
 
 8. The Baron ' Vills his Wet ' 96 
 
 9. Mr. Jorrocks makes his entrde into the Newmarket Betting 
 
 Ring 99 
 
 'O Gentlemen! Gentlemen! here's a lamentable occurrence' 145 
 
 ' Water, I do declare — with worms in it ' 184 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks renounces the acquaintance of the Yorkshireman 193 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks makes a Faux Pas 204 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks beats the Baron for Speed 224 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks takes a ride at St. Cloud 227 
 
 ' Lift me up ! Tie me in my chair ! Fill my glass ' . . . 270
 
 LIBRARY 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA 
 SANTA BARBARA 
 
 THE LATE 
 
 MR. R. S. SURTEES, 
 
 OF Hamsterley. 
 
 Noticeably enough Mr. Surtees never cared to identify himselt 
 very closely with his works, as he had a positive objection to seeing 
 his own name in print. He came, however, gradually to be recog- 
 nized as ' The Yorkshireman ' in association with the doings of Mr. 
 Jorrocks, to whose Hamlet he was well content to play Horatio. 
 * The Jaunts and Jollities ' afford, in fact, a very faithful reflex of the 
 author's own life, at least, about the period these sketches were written. 
 As a man about town, as a lawyer not caring for practice, and as a 
 North-Country man, with the instincts of a sportsman strong at heart, 
 Mr. Surtees of course took a part in all those outings of which his 
 happy fancy made Jorrocks the hero. Like Addison's ' Spectator,' 
 he was wont to be a somewhat taciturn observer, often travelling 
 alone, and in this emergency he created a companion. Old Jorrocks 
 was his choice, and, as we have already said of him, Jorrocks lives. 
 We quote him as a friend ; and expect to find him some Sunday 
 afternoon flourishing into Yeomans' livery stables, or swaggering 
 down Piccadilly to see his friend, 'Tatt.' His enthusiasm, his fun, 
 his impudence, and his knowing saws — the continual struggle between 
 the liberality of the sportsman and the education of the tradesman 
 — all tend to make the character as life-like as it is attractive. And, 
 then, what a variety of useful hints may be gathered from this 
 'Sporting Falstaff's' sayings and doings — servants' tricks, hotel 
 tricks, sham hospitalities, would-be sportsmen, and designing women. 
 The material in this way was gathered up from the experience of 
 years ; from the corner box at the Piazza, the occasional day with 
 the Surrey, the superfine hotel at Brighton, or the trip aboard the 
 Margate boat. 
 
 Mr. Robert Smith Surtees, ot Hamsterley Hall, in the county of 
 Durham, came of a good family in those parts. He was born in the 
 year 1803, and educated at the Durham Grammar School ; but being 
 then only a second son , he went into a solicitor's ofiice, and having 
 duly passed, he bought a partnership in London. This, however.
 
 THE LATE MR. R. S. SUKTEES. 
 
 did not turn out well, as no doubt he had been deceived, and having 
 recovered his purchase money, he abandoned the profession ; the 
 death of his elder brother, just about this time, materially altering 
 his position and prospects. Mr. Surtees now turned his attention 
 to literary pursuits, and having been born and bred within hearing 
 of Mr. Ralph Lambton and his famous fox-hounds, he commenced 
 his career \\\i\\ some account of their doings, as well as of his visits 
 to other kennels, in the old ' Sporting Magazine.' In the year 1831 
 he went a step further, and published a work in which he brought to 
 bear his education as a la^vyer, and his tastes as a sportsman. This 
 was called 'The Horseman's Manual,' with a number of useful cases 
 cited and commented upon from the law reports. He had by this 
 felt his way, and in the same year, 1831, he went thoroughly into 
 harness, when, in conjunction with the late Mr. Rudolph Ackennann, 
 he started the 'New Sporting Magazine,' of which he acted as 
 Editor up to the close of 1836. Nothing could well exceed the 
 success of this work. Nimrod almost immediately joined it, while 
 Mr. Surtees himself touched on a vein ot rich humour, of which, in 
 such a field, there had hitherto been no suspicion. The fun of 
 English sport was just then illustrated by the caricatures of that 
 genuine cockney, poor Seymour, as the especial pleasures of the 
 Chase had been pointed by the coarse stories of an earlier date. 
 But Mr. Surtees was something more than a satirist or a humourist 
 — he was a sportsman, and hence the force and effect he was enabled 
 to give to his sketches — the foundation of truth upon which he laid 
 his quaint, fanciful structures. The key-stone here was Jorrocks, 
 who made his appearance in the very second or third number of the 
 new Magazine, and who, chapter by chapter, developed into the 
 full-blown celebrity he has since become. The very rise and progress, 
 in fact, of this sporting citizen can still be traced through the ' Jaunts 
 and JolUties,' certainly the most original of all our author's produc- 
 tions. But Mr. Surtees' ambition was further fired by a chance 
 remark from the great critic of the day. Nimrod was about this 
 time running his reno^\^led papers on the Chase, the Turf, and the 
 Road, through the pages of ' The Quarterly Review,' and Mr. Lock- 
 hart, the Editor, naturally enough had a look at the passmg month's 
 ' New Sporting Magazine.' In doing so, he made the acquaintance 
 of Mr. Jorrocks, and upon this he remarked to Nimrod, 'that fellow 
 could \\Tite a good novel if he liked to try ; ' and the novel accord- 
 ingly, in the orthodox three volumes, and published by Colbum, 
 appeared in due course. The title was ' Hillingdon Hall, or the Cock- 
 ney Squire,' in which Mr. Jorrocks, as still the hero of our author's
 
 THE LATE MR. R. S. SURTEES. 
 
 imagination, turns country gentleman, and advancing agriculturist ; 
 but this, if not a comparative failure, is the least known of Mr. Sur- 
 tees' works. Mr. Jorrocks, however, came again in ' Handley Cross,' 
 where he is as great as ever, as a Master of Hounds ; while mainly 
 familiar through the same red-coated numbers or parts, ran ' Mr. 
 Sponge's Sporting Tour,' ' Plain or Ringlets,' * Ask Mamma,' and 
 * Mr. Facey Romford's Hounds.' The last named of these was pub- 
 lished as a posthumous work, the appearance of the first number 
 and the death of the author occurring almost simultaneously ; as it 
 is further remarkable that John Leech, who had been engaged as 
 heretofore to furnish the illustrations, died before the book had made 
 much progress, and Phiz, who had supplied the drawings for the first 
 edition of the * Jaunts and Jollities,' had his etchings now associated 
 with the last passages from the same pen. 
 
 On resigning the editorship of the ' New Sporting Magazine,' con- 
 sequent, as we believe, on his accession to the family estate, Mr. 
 Surtees did not altogether cease to contribute to the work, although 
 Mr. Jorrocks only made his mark at long intervals. Nevertheless, the 
 Yorkshireman was by no means idle, while he took care that his 
 next venture should not want for readers, for he sent this in the first 
 instance to ' Bell's Life in London,' where the characters of the hunt- 
 ing field came out in a series of admirable papers, subsequently got 
 together in a handsome volume, called '■ The Analysis of the Hunt- 
 ing Field,' illustrated by Aiken. This book is commemorative ot 
 the capital open season of 1845-46 ; and during the next winter 
 another series of sporting sketches were given through the same 
 columns, and under the implied authorship of one Mr. Scott. These 
 papers were also collected and brought out by Messrs. Longman, 
 with engravings by Phiz, under the title of ' Hawbuck Grange.' Later 
 on he would turn up occasionally in the sporting Magazines ; but 
 his last love amongst the periodicals was the ' New Monthly Maga- 
 zine,' through which he ran ' Mr. Sponge's Tour,' previously to this 
 being brought out in numbers on its own account. Henceforth he 
 devoted himself almost entirely to such kind of publication ; ' Mr. 
 Facey Romford's Hounds,' as we have said, being only just launched 
 when the death of the author took place at Brighton, on the i6th of 
 March, 1864, in the sixty-first year of his age. 
 
 Latterly Mr. Surtees had taken more and more to his duties as a 
 country gentleman, was a very useful magistrate for both Durham 
 and Northumberland, and had served the office of High Sheriff for 
 the former county. In person he was very tall, but a good, careful 
 horseman, and one who, without ever riding for effect, usually saw
 
 THE LATE MR. R. S. SURTEES. 
 
 a deal of what liounds were doing. As his A\Titings show, he had 
 seen much of the world, in which he was a keen observer : while he 
 had a very large acquaintance, from whom, of course, he composed 
 many a character, although the original of Mr. Jorrocks never was 
 traced. Of his hero he himself says — ' Although Mr. Jorrocks is a 
 man of established reputation, we trust the reader, in perusing his 
 freaks, will not be betrayed into a " swell mob " sneer at the author 
 for depicting the exploits of a jolly, free-and-easy, fox-hunting grocer." 
 We admit that Mr. Jorrocks is "wulgar," but we would ask the 
 reader to bear in mind the distinction between ^ifi-^;-/^^/;/^ z7/^^r/f^//(?, 
 and dcscribhig vulgar people vulgarly. Mr. Jorrocks at all events has 
 one recommendation — he does not pretend to be anything but what 
 he is.' Again, as to some of the incidents which gave rise to these 
 papers, we hear — as is self-evident enough — that ' the first one, 
 "Swell and the Surrey," was a parody on Nimrod's "Quarterly 
 Review " article on the " Chase," wherein a rural gentleman (Snob) 
 visited Leicestershire, and underwent the scrutiny of the assembled 
 rank and fashion of Melton Mowbray. " Swell " here appears in 
 Surrey, and undergoes the same ordeal at the hands of Mr. Jorrocks 
 and his brother sportsmen.' Then, ' " The Yorkshireman and the 
 Surrey" was a quiz upon an article in the old " Sporting Magazine," 
 by a then leading member of the Surrey Hunt, who indulged in some 
 high-flown descriptions of the glories of their doings ; ' while ' " The 
 Horse Scene at Newmarket " was taken from one of the elder 
 Matthews' stories.'
 
 No. I. 
 
 THE 
 
 SWELL AND THE SURREY. 
 
 What true-bred city sportsman has not in his clay 
 put off the most urgent business — perhaps his marriage, 
 or even the interment of his rib — that he mipht ' brave 
 the morn ' with that renowned pack, the Surrey sub- 
 scription fox-houi"ids ? Lives there, we would ask, a 
 thorough-bred, prime, bang-up, slap-dash, break-neck, 
 out-and-out arlist, widiin three miles of the Moiiument, 
 who has not occasionally ' gone a good 'un ' witli this 
 celebrated pack '\ And shall we, the bard of Eastcheap, 
 born all deeds of daring to record, shall we, who so oft 
 have witnessed — nay, sliared — the hardy exploits of our 
 fellow-cits, shall we sit still, and never cease the eternal 
 twirl of our dexter around our sinister thumb, while 
 other scribes hand down to future ages the paltry feats 
 of beardless Meltonians, and try to shame old father 
 Thames himself with muddy Whissendine's foul stream ?■ 
 Away! thou vampire, Indolence, that suckest the 
 marrow of imagination, and fattenest on the cream of 
 idea ere yet it float on the niilk of reflection. Hence ! 
 slug-begotten hag, thy power is gone, — the murky veil 
 thou'st drawn o'er memory's sweetest page is rent ! 
 
 ' Harp of Eastcheap, awake ! ' 
 
 Our thoughts hark back to the cover-side, and our 
 heart o'erflows with recollections of the past, when life
 
 2 THE SWELL AND THE SURREY. 
 
 rotlc the pace throui^li our veins, and the bark of the 
 veriest mongrel, or the bray of the sorriest costermon- 
 gcr's sorriest ' Jerusalem,' were far more musical sounds 
 than Paganini's pizzicatos or Catalani's clamorous 
 caterwaul iners. 
 
 And, thou, Goddess of the Silver Bow— chaste Diana 
 — deiirn to beconie the leadinof star of our lucubrations ; 
 come perch upon our gray goose-quill; shout in our ear 
 the maddening Taily-ho ! and ever and anon give a 
 salutary ' refresher ' to our memory with thy heaven- 
 wrought spurs — those spurs old Vulcan forged when in 
 his maddest mood — whilst we relate such feats of town- 
 born youths and city squires, as shall ' harrow up the 
 souls ' of milk-sop Melton's choicest sons, and ' fright 
 their grass-galloping garrons from their propriety.' But 
 gently, Pegasus ! — Here agai7i, boys, and ' let's to busi- 
 ness,' as they say on 'Change. 
 
 'Twere almost needless to Inform our readers that 
 such portion of a county as Is hunted by any one pack 
 of hounds is technically denominated their country ; and 
 of all co2L7itries under the sun, that of the Surrey sub- 
 scription fox-hounds undoubtedly bears the bell. This 
 superiority arises from the peculiar nature of the soil — 
 wretched starvation stuff most profusely studded with 
 huge, sharp flints, — the abundance of large woods, 
 particularly on the Kent side, and the range of moun- 
 tainous hills that run directly through the centre, which 
 afford accommodation to the timid, and are unknown in 
 most counties and unequalled In any. 
 
 One of the most striking features In the aspect of 
 this chosen region of fox-hunting, Is the quiet, easy 
 manner in which the sportsmen take the thing. On they 
 go — now trotting gently over the flints — now softly 
 ambling along the grassy ridge of some stupendous 
 hill — now quietly following each other In loner-drawn
 
 THE SWELL AND THE SURREY. 
 
 files, like geese, through some close and deep ravine, 
 or interminable wood, which re-echoes to their never- 
 ceasing holloas — every man shouting in proportion to 
 the amount of his subscription, until day is made hor- 
 rible with their yelling. There is no pushing, jostling, 
 rushinof, cramminof, or ridinsf over one another ; no 
 jealousy, discord, or daring ; no ridiculous fool-hardy 
 feats ; but each man cranes and rides, and rides and 
 cranes, in a style that would gladden the eyes of a 
 director of an Insurance office. 
 
 The members of the Surrey are the people that com- 
 bine business with pleasure, and even in the severest 
 run can find time for sweet discourse, and talk about the 
 price of stocks or stockings. ' Yooi, wind him there, 
 good dog; yooi, wind him.' — 'Cottons is fell.' — ' Hark 
 to Cottager ! Hark ! '— ' Take your bill at three months, 
 or give you three and a half discount for cash,' — ' Eu 
 in there, eu in, Cheapside, good dog.' — * Don't be in a 
 hurry, sir, p7^ay. He may be in the empty casks behind 
 the cooper's. Yooi, try for him, good bitch. Yooi, 
 push him out.' — ' You're not going down that bank, 
 sure/j/, sir ? why, it's almost perpendicular ! For God's 
 sake, sir, take care — remember you are not insured. 
 Ah ! you had better get off — here, let me hold your 
 nag, and when you're down you can catch mine ; — that''s 
 your sort, but mind he doesn't break the bridle. He 
 won't run away, for he knows I've got some sliced 
 carrots in my pocket to reward him if he does well. — 
 Thank you, sir, and now for a leg up — there we arc — 
 tJiaC s yottr sort — I'll wait till you are up also, and we'll 
 be off toofether.' 
 
 It is this union of the elegant courtesies and business 
 of life with the energetic sports of the field, that con- 
 stitutes the charm of Surrey hunting ; and who can 
 wonder that smoke-dried cits, pent up all the week,
 
 riir. SWELL AND THE SURREY. 
 
 should gladly lly from their shops to enjoy a day's 
 s[)ort on a Saturday ? We must not, however, omit to 
 express a hope that young' men, who have their way 
 to make in the world, may not be led astray by its 
 allurements. It is all very well for old-established shop- 
 keepers ' to do a bit of pleasure ' occasionally, but the 
 apprentice or journeyman who understands his duties 
 and the tricks of his trade, will never be found capering 
 in the hunting field. He will feel that his proper place 
 is behind the counter ; and while his master is away 
 enjoying the pleasures of the chase, he can prig as much 
 ' pewter ' from the till as will take both himself and his 
 lass to Sadler's Wells theatre, or any other place she 
 may choose to appoint. 
 
 But to return to the Surrey. The town of Croydon, 
 nine miles from the standard in Cornhill, is the general 
 rendezvous of the gallant sportsmen. It is the principal 
 market-town in the eastern division of the county of 
 Surrey ; and the chawbacons who carry the produce of 
 their acres to it, instead of to the neiohbourine villaze 
 of London, retain much of their pristine barbarity. 
 The town furnishes an interestino- scene on a huntinsf 
 morning, particularly on a Saturday. At an earl)' hour, 
 groups of grinning cits may be seen pouring in from 
 the London side, some on the top of Cloud's coaches,* 
 some in taxed carts, but the greater number mounted 
 on good, serviceable-looking nags, of the invaluable 
 species, calculated for sport or business, ' warranted free 
 from vice, and quiet both to ride and in harness ; ' some 
 few there are who, with that kindness and considerate 
 attention which peculiarly mark this class of sportsmen, 
 have tacked a buggy to their hunter, and given a seat 
 to a friend, who, leaning over the back of the gig, his 
 
 * The date of this description, it must be remembered, is put many 
 years back.
 
 THE SWELL AND THE SURREY. 
 
 jocund phiz turned towards ^xi^ fidzis Achates, leads his 
 own horse behind, Hstening to the discourse of ' his 
 ancient,' or regahng him ' with sweet converse ; ' and 
 thus they onward jog, until the sign of the Greyhound, 
 stretching quite across the main street, greets their ex- 
 pectant optics, and seems to forbid their passing the open 
 portal below. In they wend then, and having seen their 
 horses ' sorted,' and the collar marks (as much as may 
 be) carefully effaced by the shrewd application of a due 
 quantity of grease and lamp-black, speed in to ' mine 
 host ' and order a sound repast of the good things of 
 this world ; the which to discuss they presently apply 
 themselves with a vioour that indicates as much a 
 determination to recruit fatigue endured, as to lay in 
 stock against the effects of future exertion. Mean- 
 while the bustle increases ; sportsmen arrive by the 
 score, fresh tables are laid out, covered with ' no end ' 
 of vivers ; and, towards the hour of nine, may be heard 
 to perfection that pleasing assemblage of sounds 
 issuing from the masticatory organs of a number of men 
 steadfastly and studiously employed in the delightful 
 occupation of preparing their mouthfuls for deglutition. 
 ' O nodes coenceque Demn' saith friend Flaccus. Oh, 
 hunting breakfasts ! say we. Where are now the 
 jocund laugh, the repartee, the oft-repeated tale, the last 
 debate ? As our sporting contemporary, the Quarterly, 
 said, when describing the noiseless pursuit of old rey- 
 nard by the Quorn : ' Reader, there is no crash nozu, 
 and not much music' It is the tinker that makes a 
 great noise over a little work, but, at the pace these 
 men are eating, there is no time for babbling. So, 
 gentle lector, there is now no leisure for bandying 
 compliments, 'tis your small eater alone who chatters 
 o'er his meals ; your true-born sportsman is ever a 
 silent and, consequently, an assiduous grubber. True
 
 THE SWELL AND THE SURREY. 
 
 it is tliat occasionally space is found between mouthfuls 
 to vociferate ' waiter !' in a tone that requires not 
 repetition ; and most sonorously do the throats of 
 the assembled eaters re-echo the sound ; but this is 
 all — no useless exuberance of speech ; — no, the knife 
 or fork is directed towards what is wanted, nor needs 
 there any more expressive intimation of the applicant's 
 wants. 
 
 At length the hour of ten approaches ; bills are paid* 
 pocket-pistols filled, sandwiches stowed away, horses 
 accoutred, and our bevy straddle forth into the town, 
 to the infinite gratification of troops of dirty-nosed 
 urchins, who, for the last hour, have been peeping in 
 at the windows, impatiently watching for the exeunt 
 of our worthies. They mount, and away — trot, trot, 
 — bump, bump, — trot, trot, — bump, bump, — over Ad- 
 dington-heath, through the village, and up the hill to 
 Hayes-common, which having gained, spuffe are applied, 
 and any slight degree of pursiness that the good steeds 
 may have acquired by standing at livery in Cripplegate, 
 or elsewhere, is speedily pumped out of them by a 
 smart brush over the turf, to the ' Fox,' at Keston, 
 where a numerous assemblage of true sportsmen 
 patiently await the usual hour for throwing off. At 
 length, time being called, say twenty minutes to eleven, 
 and Mr. Jorrocks, Nodding Homer, and the principal 
 subscribers having cast up, the hounds approach the 
 cover. ' Yooi in there f shouts Tom Hill, who has 
 long hunted this crack pack ; and crack ! crack ! crack ! 
 go the whips of some scores of sportsmen. ' Yelp, 
 yelp, yelp,' howl the hounds ; and in a quarter of an 
 hour Tom has not above four or five couple at his 
 heels. This number being a trifle, Tom runs his prad 
 at a gap in the fence by the wood-side ; the old nag 
 goes well at it, but stops short at the critical moment,
 
 THE SWELL AND THE SURREY. 
 
 and, instead of taking the ditch, bolts and wheels 
 round. Tom, however, who is ' large in the boiling 
 pieces,' as they say at Whitechapel, is prevented by his 
 weight from being shaken out of his saddle ; and, being 
 resolved to take no denial, he lays the crop of his 
 hunting-whip about the head of his beast, and runs 
 him at the same spot a second time, with an obbligato 
 accompaniment of his spur-rowels, backed by a ' curnt 
 along then ! ' issued in such a tone as plainly informs 
 his quadruped he is in no joking humour. These 
 incentives succeed in landing Tom and his nae in the 
 wished-for spot, when, immediately, the wood begins to 
 resound with shouts of ' Yoicks,True-bo-y, yoicks,True- 
 bo-y, yoicks, push him up, yoicks, wind him ! ' and the 
 whole pack begin to work like good 'uns. Occasionally 
 may be heard the howl of some unfortunate hound that 
 has been caught in a fox-trap, or taken in a hare-snare ; 
 and not unfrequently the discordant growls of some 
 three or four more, vociferously quarrelling over the 
 venerable remains of some defunct rabbit. ' Oh ! you 
 rogues,' cries Mr. Jorrocks, a cit rapturously fond of the 
 sport. After the lapse of half an hour the noise in the 
 wood for a time increases audibly. 'Tis Tom chastis- 
 ing t\\^ go7uiJiands. Another quarter of an hour, and 
 a hound that has finished his coney-bone slips out of 
 the wood, and takes a roll upon the greensward, opining, 
 no doubt, that such pastime is preferable to scratching 
 his hide among brambles in the covers. ' Hounds 
 have no right to opine,' opiiies the head whipper-in ; so 
 clapping spurs into his prad, he begins to pursue the 
 delinquent round the common, with ' Markis, Markis ! 
 what are you at, Markis '^ get into cover, Markis ! ' 
 But ' it's no go ; ' Marquis creeps through a hedge, 
 and ' grins horribly a ghastly smile ' at his ruthless tor- 
 mentor, who wends back, well pleased at having had an
 
 THE SWELL AND THE SURREY. 
 
 excuse for taking ' a bit gallop ! ' Half an hour more 
 slips away, and some of the least hasty of our cits 
 begin to wax impatient, in spite of the oft-repeated 
 admonition, ' Dont be in a hurry ! ' At length a yokel 
 pops out of the cover, and as soon as he has recovered 
 breath, informs the field that he has been ' a-hollorin ' 
 to "em for half an hour,' and that the fox had 'gone 
 away for Tatsfield, ' 'most as soon as ever the 'oounds 
 went into 'ood.' 
 
 All is now hurry-scurr}^ — girths are tightened, 
 reins gathered up, half-munched sandwiches tlirust 
 into the mouth, pocket-pistols applied to, coats com- 
 fortably buttoned up to the throat ; and, these prepara- 
 tions made, away goes the whole field, ' coolly and 
 fairly,' along the road to Leaves-green and Crown Ash- 
 hill — from which latter spot the operations of the pack 
 in the bottom may be comfortably and securely viewed 
 — leaving the whips to flog as many hounds out of 
 cover as they can, and Tom to entice as many more 
 as are willino; to follow the ' twano- twano- twansf ' of 
 his horn. 
 
 And now, a sufficient number of hounds having been 
 seduced from the wood, forth sallies ' Tummas,' and 
 making straight for the spot where our yokel's ' mate ' 
 stands leaning on his plough-stilts, obtains from him 
 the exact latitude and longitude of the spot where rey- 
 nard broke through the hedge. To this identical place 
 is the pack forthwith led ; and, no sooner have they 
 reached it, than the wagging of their sterns clearly 
 shows how genuine is their breed. Old Strumpet, at 
 length, first looking up in Tom's face for applause, 
 ventures to send forth a long-drawn howl, which, 
 coupled with Tom's screech, setting the rest agog, away 
 they all go, like beans ; and the wind, fortunately setting 
 towards Westerham, bears the melodious sound to the
 
 THE SWELL AND THE SURREY. 
 
 delighted ears of our ' roadsters,' who, forthwith catch- 
 ing the infection, respond with deafening shouts and 
 joyous yells, set to every key, and disdaining the laws 
 of harmony. Thus, what with Tom's horn, the 
 holloaing of the whips, and the shouts of the riders, 
 a very pretty notion may be formed of what Virgil 
 calls — 
 
 ' Clamorque virum, clangorque tubarum ' — 
 
 A terrible noise is the result ! 
 
 At the end of nine minutes or so, the hounds come 
 to fault in the bottom, below the blacksmith's, at Crown 
 Ash-hill, and the fox has a capital chance ; in fact, they 
 have changed for the blacksmith's tom cat, which 
 rushed out before them, and finding their mistake, 
 return at their leisure. This o-ives the most darincr of 
 the field, on the eminence, an opportunity of descend- 
 ing to view the sport more closely ; and being assem- 
 bled in the bottom, each conoratulatcs his neiehbour 
 on the excellent condition and stanchness of the 
 hounds, and the admirable view that has been afforded 
 them of their peculiar style of hunting. At this 
 interesting period, a ' regular swell ' from Melton 
 Mowbray, unknown to everyone except his tailor, to 
 whom he owes a long tick, makes his appearance and 
 affords abundance of merriment for our sportsmen. 
 He is just turned out of the hands of his valet, and 
 presents the very beau ideal of his caste — ' quite the 
 lady,' in fact. His hat is stuck on one side, displaying 
 a profusion of well- waxed ringlets ; a correspond! no- 
 infinity of whisker, termipating at the chin, there joins 
 an enormous pair of moustaches, which give him the 
 appearance of having caught the fox himself and stuck 
 its brush below his nose. His neck is very stiff; and 
 the exact Jackson-like fit of his coat, which almost nips 
 him in two at the waist, and his superlatively well-
 
 THE SWELL AND THE SURREY. 
 
 cleaned leather Andersons,* together with the perfume 
 and the general puppyism of his appearance, proclaim 
 that he is a ' swell ' of the very first water, and one 
 that a Surrey sportsman would like to buy at his own 
 price and sell at the other's. In addition to this, his 
 boots, which his ' fellow ' has just denuded from a pair 
 of wash-leather covers, are of the finest, brightest, 
 blackest patent leather imaginable ; the left one being 
 the identical boot by which Warren's monkey shaved 
 himself, while the right is the one at which the game- 
 cock pecked, mistaking its own shadow^ for an opponent, 
 the mark of its bill being still visible above the instep ; 
 and the tops — whose pampered appetites have been 
 fed on champagne — are of the most delicate cream- 
 colour, the whole devoid of mud or speck. The 
 animal he bestrides is no less calculated than himself 
 to excite the risible faculties of the field, being a sort 
 of mouse colour, with dun mane and tail, got by Nicolo, 
 out of a Flibbertygibbet mare, and he stands seventeen 
 hands and an inch. His head is small and blood-like, 
 his girth a mere trifle, and his legs, very long and 
 spidery, of course without any hair at the pasterns to 
 protect them from the flints ; his whole appearance 
 bespeaking him fitter to run for half-mile hunters' 
 stakes at Croxton-park or Leicester, than contend for 
 foxes' brushes in such a splendid country as the Surrey. 
 There he stands, with his tail stuck tight between his 
 lees, shiverino; and shakincr for all the world as if 
 troubled with a fit of ague. And well he may, poor 
 beast, for — oh, men of Surrey, London, Kent, and 
 Middlesex, hearken to my word — on closer inspection 
 he proves to have been shaved ! ! ! f 
 
 * Anderson, of South Audley-street, is, or was, a famous breeches-maker, 
 t Shaving was in great vogue at Melton some seasons back. It was 
 succeeded by clipping, and clipping by singeing. 
 
 \ 
 
 i
 
 THE SWELL AND THE SURREY. 
 
 After a considerable time spent in casting to the 
 right, the left, and the rear, ' TruQ-d2iqy' chances to 
 take a fling in advance, and hitting upon the scent, 
 proclaims it with his wonted energy, which drawing all 
 his brethren to the spot, they pick it slowly over some 
 brick-fields and flint beds, to an old lady's flower- 
 garden, through which they carry it with surprising 
 head into the fields beyond, when they begin to fall 
 into line, and the sportsmen doing the same — ' one at 
 a time and it will last the longer' — ' Tummas ' tootles 
 his horn, the hunt is up, and away they all rattle at 
 ' Parliament pace,' as the hackney-coachmen say. 
 
 Our swell, who flatters himself he can ' ride a few,' 
 according to the fashion of his country, takes up a line 
 of his own, abreast of the leading hounds, notwith- 
 standing the oft vociferated cry of ' Hold hard, sir! ' 
 ' Pray, hold hard, sir ! ' ' For God's sake, JioldJiard, sir ! ' 
 ' G — d d — n you, Jwld hard, sir ! ' ' Where the h — // 
 are you going to, sir ? ' and other familiar inquiries 
 and benedictions, with which a stranger is sometimes 
 greeted, who ventures to take a look at a strange pack 
 of hounds. 
 
 In the meantime the fox, who has often had a game 
 at romps with his pursuers, being resolved this time to 
 give them a tickler, bears straight away for Westerham, 
 to the infinite satisfaction of the ' hill folks,' who thus 
 having an excellent opportunity of seeing the run with- 
 out putting their horses to the trouble of ' rejoicing in 
 their strength, or pawing in the valley.' But who is 
 so fortunate as to be near the scene of action in this 
 second scurry, almost as fast as the first ? Our fancy 
 supplies us, and there not being many, we will just 
 initialize them all, and let he whom the cap fit, put it on. 
 If we look to the left, nearly abreast of the three 
 couple of hounds that are leading by some half mile or
 
 THE SWELL AND THE SURREY. 
 
 SO, we shall see * Swell ' — like a monkey on a giraffe — 
 striding away in true Leicestershire style ; the animal 
 contracting its stride after every exertion in pulling its 
 long legs out of the deep and clayey soil, until the 
 Bromley barber, who has been quilting his mule along 
 at a fearful rate, and in high dudgeon at anyone pre- 
 suming to exercise his profession upon a dumb brute, 
 overtakes him, and in the endeavour to pass, lays into 
 his mule in a style that would insure him rotary 
 occupation at Brixton for his spindles, should any 
 member of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to 
 Animals witness his proceedings ; while his friend and 
 neighbour, old B., the tinker, plies his little mare with 
 the Brummagems, to be ready to ride over ' Swell ' the 
 instant the barber gets him down. On the right of the 
 leading hounds are three crack members of the Surrey, 
 Messrs. B — e,S — bs,and B — 1, all lads who^«;2go; while 
 a long way in the rear of the body of the pack are some 
 dozen, who, while they sat on the hills, thought they 
 could also, but who now find out their mistake. Down 
 Windy-lane, a glimpse of a few red coa.ts ma)' be caught 
 passing the gaps and weak parts of the fence, among 
 whom we distinctly recognise the Avorthy master of the 
 pack, followed by Jorrocks, with his long coat-laps 
 floating in the breeze, who taking that ' catching-time' 
 must be near at hand, and being dearly fond of blood, 
 has descended from his high station to witness the 
 close of the scene. ' Vot a pace ! and vot a country ! ' 
 cries the grocer, standing high in his stirrups, and 
 bendinsf over the neck of his chestnut as thouQfh he 
 were meditating a plunge over his head ; ' how they 
 stick to him ! vot a pack ! by Jove they are at fault 
 again. ' Yooi, Pilgrim ! Yooi, Warbler, ma load I 
 (lad). Tom, try down the hedge-row.' ' Hold your 
 jaw, Mr. J.,' cries Tom, * you are always throwing that
 
 THE SWELL AND THE SURREY. 13 
 
 red rag of yours. I wish you would keep your 
 potato-trap shut. See ! you've made every hound 
 throw up, and it's ten to one that ne'er a one among 
 'em will stoop again.' ' Vo7ider he goes,' cries a cock 
 of the old school, who used to hunt with Colonel 
 Joliffe's hounds, and still sports the long blue surtout 
 lined with orange, yellow-ochre unmentionables, and 
 mahogany-coloured knee-caps, with mother of pearl 
 buttons. ' Vo7ider he goes among the s/ii/) (sheep), for 
 a thousand ! See how the skulking waggabone makes 
 them scamper.' At this particular moment a shrill scream 
 is heard at the far end of a long shaw, and every man 
 pushes on to the best of his endeavour. ■ ' Holloo 0-0-71, 
 Jiloo 0-0-71, k' loo 0-0-u, gone away! gone away! ioxTa7-d! 
 {ox7'ard ! hark back! hark io\-7'a7^d f hark ioxra7^d ! 
 hark back!!' resounds from every mouth. 'lie's 
 making for the 'oods beyond Addington, and we shall 
 have a rare teaser up these hills,' cries Jorrock?, 
 throwing his arms round his horse's neck, as he reaches 
 the foot of them. ' D — n your hills,' cries ' Swell,' as 
 he suddenly finds himselt sitting on the hind quarters 
 of his horse, his saddle having slipped back for want of 
 a breastplate, — -'I wish the hills had been piled on your 
 back, and the flints thrust down your confounded throat, 
 before I came into such a cursed provincial.' ' Haw, 
 haw, haw, ' roars a Croydon butcher, — ' what, don't 'e 
 like it, sir, eh ? too sharp to be pleasant, eh 'i Your 
 nag should have jDut on his boots before he showed 
 among 7is' 
 
 ' He's making straight for Fuller's farm,' exclaims a 
 thirsty veteran on reaching the top, 'and I'll pull up and 
 have a nip of ale, please God.' ' Hang your ale,' cries 
 a certain sporting cheesemonger, ' you had better come 
 out with a barrel of it tacked to your horse's tail.' — 
 ' Or 'unt on a steam-engine,' adds his friend the
 
 14 THE SWELL AND THE SURREY. 
 
 omnibus proprietor, 'and then you can brew as you 
 go.' ' We shall have the Croydon canal,' cries Mr. 
 
 H n, of Tottenham, who knows every flint in the 
 
 country, ' and how will you like that, my hearties ? ' 
 ' Curse the Croydon canal,' bawls the little Bromley 
 barber ; ' my mule can swim like a soap-bladder, and 
 my toggery can't spoil, thank God ! ' 
 
 The prophecy turns up. Having skirted Fuller's 
 farm, the villain finds no place to hide ; and in two 
 minutes, or less, the canal appears in view. It is full 
 of craft, and the locks are open, but there is a bridge 
 about half a mile to the right. ' If my horse can do 
 nothing else he can jump this,' cries * Swell,' as he 
 gathers him together, and prepares for the effort. He 
 hardens his heart and goes at it full tilt, and the leggy 
 animal lands him three yards on the other side. 
 ' Curse this fellow,' cries Jorrocks, grinning with rage 
 as he sees ' Swell ' skimming through the air like a 
 swallow on a summer's eve, ' he'll have a laugh at the 
 Surrey, for ever and ever, Amen. Oh dear ! oh dear ! 
 I wish I durst leap it. What shall I do ? Here, 
 bar^^^,' cries he to a bargeman, ' lend us a help over 
 and I'll give you ninepence.' The bargeman takes 
 him at his w^ord, and getting the vessel close to the 
 water's edge, Jorrocks has nothing to do but ride in, 
 and, the opposite bank being accommodating, he lands 
 without difficulty. Ramming his spurs into his nag, 
 he now starts after ' Swell,' who is sailing away with a 
 few couple of hounds that took the canal ; the body of 
 the pack and all the rest of the field — except the 
 Bromley barber, who is now floundering in the water — 
 havinof orone round to the brido^e. 
 
 The country is open, the line being across commons 
 and along roads, so that Jorrocks, who is not afraid of 
 ' the pace ' so long as there is no leaping, has a pretty
 
 THE SWELL AND THE SURREY. 15 
 
 good chance with ' Swell.' The scene now shifts. On 
 turning out of a lane, along which they have just 
 rattled, a fence of this description appears : The 
 bottom part is made of flints, and the upper part of mud 
 with gorse stuck along the top, and there is a gutter on 
 each side. Jorrocks seeing that a leap is likely, hangs 
 astern, and * Swell,' thinking to shake off his only 
 opponent, and to have a rare laugh at the Surrey when 
 he gets back to Melton, puts his nag at it most man- 
 fully, who, though somewhat blown, manages to get 
 his long carcass over, but, unfortunately alighting on a 
 bed of flints on the far side, cuts a back sinew, and 
 
 * Swell' measures his length on the head-land. Jorrocks 
 then pulls up. 
 
 The tragedy of George Barnwell ends with a death, 
 and we are happy in being able to gratify our readers 
 with a similar entertainment. Already have the best- 
 mounted men in the field attained the summit of one of 
 the Mont Blancs of the country, when on looking down 
 the other side of the ' mountain's brow,' they, to their 
 infinite astonishment, espy at some distance our 'Swell' 
 dismounted and playing at ' pull devil, pull baker' with 
 the hounds, whose discordant bickerino-s rend the skies. 
 
 * WJioo-hoop ! ' cries one ; * Whoo-hoop ! ' responds 
 another ; ' Whoo-hoop ! ' screams a third ; and the 
 contagion spreading, and each man dismounting, they 
 descend the hill with clue caution, whoo-hooping, 
 
 I hallooing, and congratulating each other on the splen- 
 \ dour of the run, interspersed with divers surmises as 
 { to what mighty magic had aided the hounds in getting 
 1 on such orood terms with the warmint, and exclama- 
 
 I 
 
 tions at the good fortune of the stranger, in being able 
 I (by nicking,* and the fox changing his line) to get in 
 i at the finish. 
 
 * A stranger never rides straight if he beats the members of the hunt.
 
 i6 THE SWELL AND THE SURREY. 
 
 And now some dozens of sportsmen, quietly ambling 
 up to the scene of action, view with delight (alone 
 equalled by their wonder at so unusual and unexpected 
 an event) the quarrels of the hounds, as they dispute 
 with each other the possession of their victim's 
 remains, when suddenly a gentleman, clad in a bright 
 green silk-velvet shooting-coat, with white leathers 
 and Hessian boots with large tassels, carrying his Jo 
 Manton on his shoulder, issues from an adjoinin 
 coppice, and commences a loud complaint of the ' un 
 handsome conduct of the gentlemen's 'ounds in devour 
 ing the 'are (hare) which he had taken so much pain 
 to shoot.' Scarcely are these words out of his moutl 
 tlian the whole hunt, from Jorrocks downwards, le 
 drive such a rich torrent of abuse at our unfortunate 
 chassc2tr, that he is fain to betake himself to his heels 
 leaving them undisputed masters of the held. 
 
 The visages of our sportsmen become dismally 
 leno^thened on findino; that their fox has been '©"athered 
 unto his fathers ' by means of hot lead and that villain- 
 ous saltpetre ' digged out of the bowels of the harmless 
 earth ;' some few, indeed, there are who are bold 
 enough to declare that the pack has actually made a 
 meal of a hare, and that their fox is snuglj^ earthed in 
 the neighbouring cover. However, as there are no 
 ' 7^eliqimis Ddiiainn' to prove or disprove this assertion, 
 Tom Hill, having an eye to the cap-money, ventures 
 to give it as his opinion, that pug has fairly yielded to 
 his invincible pursuers, without having ' dropped to 
 shot.' This appearing to give very general satisfac- 
 tion, the first whip makes no scruple of swearing that 
 he saw the hounds pull Jiim down fairly ; and Peckham 
 drawing his mouth up on one side, with his usual 
 intellectual grin, takes a similar affidavit. The Bromley 
 barber too, anxious to have it to say that he has for 
 
 1
 
 TH£ SWELL AND THE SURREY. r; 
 
 ' once been in at the death of a fox, vows by his beard 
 that he saw the ' varmint ' lathered in style ; and these 
 protestations being received with clamorous applause, 
 and every one being pleased to have so unusual an 
 event to record to his admiring spouse, agrees that a 
 fox has not only been killed, but killed in a most 
 sportsman-like, workman-like, business-like manner ; 
 and long and loud are the congratulations, great is the 
 increased importance of each man's physiognomy, and 
 thereupon they all lug out their half-crowns for Tom 
 Hill. 
 
 In the meantime our ' Swell ' lays hold of his nag — 
 who is sorely damaged with the flints, and whose wind 
 has been pretty well pumped out of him by the hills 
 — and proceeds to lead him back to Croydon, inwardly 
 promising himself for the future most studiously to 
 avoid the renowned county of Surrey, its woods, its 
 barbers, its mountains, and its flints, and to leave more 
 daring spirits to overcome the difficulties it presents ; 
 most religiously resolving, at the same time, to return 
 as speedily as possible to his dear Leicestershire, there 
 to amble o'er the turf, and fancy himself an ' angel on 
 horseback,' The story of the country mouse, who must 
 needs see the town, occurs forcibly to his recollection, 
 and he exclaims aloud — 
 
 ' me sylva, cavusque 
 Tutus ab insidiis tenui solabitur ervo.' 
 
 On overhearing which, Mr. Jorrocks hurries back to 
 his brother subscribers, and informs them, very gravely, 
 that the stranger is no less a personage than ' Prince 
 Matuchevitz, the Russian ambassador and minister 
 plenipotentiary extraordinary,' whereupon the whole 
 field join in wishing him safe back in Russia — or any- 
 where else — and wonder at his incredible assurance in 
 supposing that he could cope with The Surrey Hunt. 
 
 c
 
 No. II. 
 
 THE YORKSHIREMAN AND 
 THE SURREY. 
 
 It is an axiom among fox-hunters that the hounds 
 they individually hunt with are the best — compared with 
 them all others are ' slozuJ 
 
 Of this species of pardonable egotism, Mr. Jorrocks 
 — who, in addition to the conspicuous place he holds in 
 the Surrey hunt, as shown in the preceding chapter, we 
 should introduce to our readers as a substantial grocer 
 In St. Botolph's-lane, with an elegant residence in Great 
 Coram-street, Russell-square — has his full, if not rather 
 more than his fair share. Vanity, however, is never 
 satisfied without display, and Mr. Jorrocks longed for 
 a customer before whom he could exhibit the prowess 
 of his* pack. 
 
 Chance threw in his way a young Yorkshireman, who 
 frequently appearing in subsequent pages, we may in- 
 troduce as a loosish sort of hand, up to anything in the 
 way of a lark, but rather deficient in cash — a character 
 so common in London, as to render further description 
 needless. 
 
 Now it is well known that a Yorkshireman, like a 
 dragoon, is nothing without his horse, and if he does 
 understand anything better than racing — it is hunting. 
 Our readers will therefore readily conceive that a York- 
 
 * Subscribers, speaking to strangers, always talk of the hounds as 
 their own.
 
 THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY. 19 
 
 shireman is more likely to be astonished at the possi- 
 bility of fox-hunting from London, than captivated by 
 the country, or style of turn-out ; and in truth, looking 
 at it calmly and dispassionately, in our easy-chair drawn 
 to a window which overlooks the cream of the grazing 
 grounds in the Vale of White-horse, it does strike us 
 with astonishment that such a thing as a fox should be 
 found within a day's ride of the suburbs. The very 
 idea seems preposterous, for one cannot but associate 
 the charms of a ' find ' with the horrors of ' going to 
 ground ' in an omnibus, or the fox being headed by a 
 great Dr. Eady placard, or some such monstrosity. 
 Mr. Mayne,* to be sure, has brought racing home to 
 every man's door, but fox-huntiug is not quite so tract- 
 able a sport. But to our story. 
 
 It was a nasty, cold, foggy, dark, drizzling morning 
 in the month of February, that the Yorkshireman, 
 having been offered a ' mount' by Mr. Jorrocks, found 
 himself shiveringf under the Piazza in Covent-Garden 
 about seven o'clock, surrounded by cabs, cabbages, car- 
 rots, ducks, dollys, and drabs of all sorts, waiting for 
 his horse and the appearance of the friend who had 
 seduced him into the extraordinary predicament of 
 attiring himself in top-boots and breeches in London, 
 After pacing up and down some minutes, the sound of 
 a horse's hoofs were heard turning clown from Long- 
 acre, and reaching the lamp-post at the corner of James- 
 street, his astonished eyes were struck with the sight of 
 a man in a capacious, long, full-tailed, red frock-coat 
 reaching nearly to his spurs, with mother-of-pearl but- 
 tons, with sporting devices, — which afterwards proved 
 to be foxes, done in black, — brown shag breeches, that 
 would have been spurned by the late worthy master of 
 
 * The promoter of the Hippodrome, near Baysvvater — a speculation 
 that soon came to grief.
 
 THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY. 
 
 the Hurworth,* and boots that looked for all the world 
 as if they were made to tear up the very land and soil, 
 tied round the knees with pieces of white tape, the 
 flowing ends of which dangled over the mahogany- 
 coloured tops. Mr. Jorrocks — whose dark collar, green, 
 to his coat, and to7it-ensembIe, might have caused him 
 to be mistaken for a mounted general postman — was on 
 a most becoming steed, — a great, raking, raw-boned 
 chestnut, with a twisted snaffle in his mouth, decorated 
 with a faded yellow silk front, a nose-band, and an ivory 
 ring under his jaws, for the double purpose of keeping 
 the reins together and Jorrocks's teeth in his head, — 
 the nae havino: flattened the noses and otherwise 
 damaged the countenances of his two previous owners, 
 who had not the knack of preventing him tossing his 
 head in their faces. The saddle — large and capacious 
 — made on the principle of the impossibility of putting 
 a round of beef upDn a pudding plate — was 'spick and 
 span new,' as was an enormous hunting-whip, whose 
 iron-headed hammer he clenched in a way that 
 would make the blood curdle in one's veins, to see 
 such an instrument in the hands of a misguided man. 
 ' Punctuality is the politeness of princes,' said Mr. 
 Jorrocks, raising a broad-brimmed, lowish-crowned hat 
 as high as a green hunting-cord which tackled it to his 
 yellow waistcoat by a fox's tooth would allow, as he 
 came upon the Yorkshireman at the corner. ' My 
 soul's on fire and eager for the chase ! By heavens, I 
 declare I've dream' t of nothing else all night, and the 
 worst of it is, that in a par-ox- ism of delight, when I 
 thought I saw the darlings running into the warmint, 
 1 brought Mrs. J. such a dig in the side as knocked her 
 
 * The late Mr. Wilkinson, commonly called ' Matty Wilkinson,' 
 master of the Hurworth fox-hounds was a rigid adherent of the 'd- n- 
 all-dandy' school of sportsmen.
 
 THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY. 
 
 out of bed, and she swears she'll go to Jenner, and the 
 court for the protection of Injured ribs ! But come — 
 jump up — where's your nag ? BInjImIn, you black- 
 guard, where are you ? The fog is blinding me, I 
 declare ! BInjimin I say ! Binjimin ! you wlllain, where 
 are you ? ' 
 
 ' Here, sir ! coming ! ' responded a voice from the 
 bottom of one of the long mugs at a street breakfast 
 stall, which the fog almost concealed from their view, 
 and presently an urchin in a drab coat and blue collar 
 came towing a wretched, ewe-necked, hungry-looking, 
 roan rosinante along from where he had been regaling 
 himself with a mug of undeniable bohea, sweetened 
 with a composition of brown sugar and sand. 
 
 ' Now be after getting up,' said Jorrocks, ' for time 
 and the Surrey 'ounds wait for no man. That's not a 
 werry elegant tit, but still it'll carry you to Croydon 
 well enough, where I'll put you on a most undeniable 
 bit of 'orse flesh — a reg'lar clipper. That's a hack, — ■ 
 what they calls three-and-sixpence a side, but I only 
 pays half-a-crown. Now, Binjimin, cut away home, 
 and tell Batsay to have dinner ready at half-past five 
 to a minute, and to be most particular in doing the 
 lamb to a turn.' 
 
 The Yorkshireman having adjusted himself in the 
 old flat-flapped hack saddle, and got his stirrups let 
 out from ' BInjimin's ' length to his own, gathered up 
 the stiff weather-beaten reins, gave the animal a touch 
 with his spurs, and fell into the rear of Mr. Jorrocks. 
 The morning appeared to be getting worse. Instead of 
 the grey day-dawn of the country, when the thin trans- 
 parent mist gradually rises from the hills, revealing an 
 unclouded landscape, a dense, thick, yellow fog came 
 rolling In masses along the streets, obscuring the gas 
 lights, and rendering every step one of peril. It could
 
 2 2 THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY. 
 
 be both eat and felt, and the damp struck through 
 their clothes in the most summary manner, ' This is 
 bad,' said Mr. Jorrocks, coughing as he turned the 
 corner by Drury-lane, making for Catherine-street, and 
 upset an early breakfast and periwinkle stall, by catch- 
 ing one corner of the fragile fabric with his toe, having 
 ridden too near to the pavement. ' Where are you for 
 now ? and bad luck to ye, ye boiled lobster ? ' roared 
 a stout Irish wench, emerging from a neighbouring 
 gin-palace, on seeing the dainty viands rolling in the 
 street. 'Cut azuay!' cried Jorrocks to his friend, 
 running his horse between one of George Stapleton's 
 dust-carts and a hackney-coach, ' or the Philistines will 
 be upon us.' The fog and crowd concealed them, but 
 * Holloa ! mind where you're going, you great haw- 
 buck ! ' from a buy-a-hearth-stone boy, w^hose stock in 
 trade Jorrocks nearly demolished, as he crossed the 
 corner of Catherine-street before him, aeain roused 
 his vigilance. ' The deuce be in the fog,' said he, ' I 
 declare I can't see across the Strand. It's as dark as 
 a wolf's mouth. — Now where are you oroine to with 
 that meazly-looking cab of yours ? — you've nearly run 
 your shafts into my 'oss's ribs ! ' cried he to a cabman 
 who nearly upset him. The Strand was kept alive by 
 a few slip-shod house-maids, on their marrow-bones, 
 washing the door-steps, or ogling the neighbouring 
 pot-boy on his morning errand for the pewters. Now 
 and then a crazy jarvey passed slowly by, while a 
 hurrying mail, with a drows}' driver and sleeping 
 guard, rattled by to deliver their cargo at the Post- 
 office. Here and there appeared one of those beings, 
 who like the owl hide themselves by day, and are 
 visible only in the dusk. Many of them appeared to 
 belong to the other world. Poor, puny, ragged, sickly- 
 looking creatures, that seemed as though they had
 
 THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY. 23 
 
 been suckled and reared with crin. ' How different,' 
 thought the Yorkshireman to himself, ' to the fine, 
 stout, active labourer one meets at an early hour on a 
 hunting morning in the country!' His reverie was 
 interrupted on arriving opposite the Morning 
 Chronicle office, by the most discordant yells that 
 ever issued from human beings, and on examining the 
 quarter from whence they proceeded, a group of fifty 
 or a hundred boys, or rather little old men, were seen 
 with newspapers in their hands and under their arms, 
 in all the activity of speculation and exchange. ' A 
 clean Post for Tuesday's Times ! ' bellowed one. ' I 
 want the Hurl! (Herald) for the Satirist!' shouted 
 another. ' Bell's Life for the Bull ! The Spectator 
 for the Sunday Times ! ' 
 
 The approach of our sportsmen was the signal for a 
 change of the chorus, and immediately Jorrocks was 
 assailed with ' A hunter ! a hunter ! crikey, a hunter ! 
 My eyes ! there's a game-cock for you ! Vot a 
 beauty ! Vere do you turn out to-day } Vere's the 
 stag ? Don't tumble off, old boy ! 'Ave you got ever 
 a rope in your pocket ? Take Bell's Life in London, 
 vot contains all the sporting news of the country ! Vot 
 a vip the gemman's got ! Vot a precious basternader- 
 ing he could give us — my eyes, vot a swell ! — vot a 
 shocking bad hat ! * — vot shocking bad breeches ! ' 
 
 The fog, which became denser at every step, by the 
 time they reached St. Clement's Danes rendered their 
 further progress almost impossible. — ' Oh dear ! oh 
 dear! how unlucky,' exclaimed Jorrocks, 'I would 
 have given twenty pounds of best Twankay for a fine 
 day — and see what a thing we've got ! Hold my 'oss,' 
 said he to the Yorkshireman, ' while I run into the 
 Angel, and borrow an argand burner, or we shall be 
 
 * 'Vot a shocking bad hat '.'-the slang cockney phrase of 1831.
 
 24 THE YORKSIIIREMAN AND THE SURREY. 
 
 endorsed* to a dead certainty.' Off he got, and ran 
 to the inn. Presently he emerged from the yard — 
 followed by horse-keepers, coach-washers, porters, 
 cads, waiters, and others, amid loud cries of ' Fla^'e tip, 
 flare 7ip, old cock ! talliho fox-hunter ! ' — with a bright 
 mail-coach foot-board lamp, strapt to his middle, which, 
 lighting up the whole of his broad back now cased in 
 scarlet, gave him the appearance of a gigantic red-and- 
 gold insurance ofhce badge, or an elderly cherub with- 
 out wings. 
 
 The hackney-coach and cab men, along whose lines 
 they passed, could not make him out at all. Some 
 thought he was a mail-coach guard riding post with 
 the bags ; but as the light was pretty strong he trotted 
 on regardless of observation. The fog, however, 
 abated none of its denseness even on the ' Surrey 
 side,' and before they reached the Elephant and 
 Castle, Jorrocks had run against two trucks, three 
 water-cress women, one pies-all-<?/ l-dW-ot ! man, dis- 
 persed a whole covey of Welsh milk-maids, and rode 
 slap over one end of a buy at (hat) box ; bonnet-box ! 
 man's pole, damaging a dozen paste-boards, and finally 
 upsetting Balham Hill Joe's Barcelona ' come crack 
 'em and try 'em ' stall at the door of the inn, for all 
 whose benedictions, the Yorkshireman, as this great 
 fox-hunting knight-errant's ' Esquire,' came in. 
 
 Here the Yorkshireman would fain have persuaded 
 Mr. Jorrocks to desist from his Quixotic undertaking, 
 but he turned a deaf ear to his entreaties. ' We are 
 getting fast into the country, and I hold it to be utterly 
 impossible for this fog to extend beyond Kennington- 
 common — 'twill ewaporate, you'll see, as we approach 
 the open. Indeed, if I mistake not, I begin to sniff 
 the morning air already, and hark ! there's a lark a 
 
 * City — for having a pole run into one's rear.
 
 THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY. 25 
 
 carolling before us ! ' ' Now, spooney ; where are you 
 for ? ' bellowed a carter, breaking off in the middle of 
 his whistle, as Jorrocks rode slap against his leader, 
 the concussion at once dispelling the pleasing pastoral 
 delusion, and nearly knocking Jorrocks off his horse. 
 
 As they approached Brixton-hill, a large red ball of 
 lurid light appeared in the firmament, and just at the 
 moment up rode another member of the Surrey hunt, 
 in uniform, whom Jorrocks hailed as Mr. Crane. ' By 
 Jove, 'ow beautiful the moon is,' said the latter, after the 
 usual salutations. ' Moon ! ' said Mr. Jorrocks, ' that's 
 not never no moon — I reckon it's Mrs. Graham's bal- 
 loon.' * Come, that's a good un,' said Crane, ' perhaps 
 you'll lay me an 'at about it.' ' Done ! ' said Mr. Jor- 
 rocks, ' a guinea one— and we'll ax my friend here. — 
 Now, what's that ? ' ' Why, judging from its position 
 and the hour, I should say that it is the sun ! ' was the 
 reply. 
 
 We have omitted to mention that this memorable 
 day was a Saturday, one on which civic sportsmen 
 exhibit. We may also premise, that the particular 
 hunt we are about to describe, took place when there 
 were very many packs of hounds within reach of the 
 Metropolis, all of which boasted their respective 
 admiring subscribers. As our party proceeded they 
 overtook a gentleman perusing a" long bill of the meets 
 for next week, of at least half a dozen packs, the top 
 of the list being decorated with a cut of a stag hunt, 
 and the bottom containing a notification that hunters 
 were 'carefully attended to by Charles Morton,* at the 
 Derby Arms, Croydon,' a snug rural auberge near the 
 
 * Where the carrion is, there will be the crow, and on the demise of 
 ' the ' Surrey j-^^z^gcrs,' Charley brushed off to the west, to valet the gcntle- 
 I men's hunters that attend the Royal Stac^ Hunt. — Vide Sir F. Grant's 
 ; iiiclurc of the meet of the Royal Stag-hounds,
 
 26 THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY. 
 
 barrack. On the hunting bill-of-fare, were Mr. JolHfTe's 
 fox-hounds, Mr. Meager's harriers, the Derby stag- 
 hounds, the Sanderstead harriers, the Union fox-hounds, 
 the Surrey fox-hounds, rabbit beagles on Epsom downs, 
 and dwarf fox-hounds on Woolwich common. What 
 a list to bewilder a stranger ! The Yorkshireman left 
 it all to Mr. Jorrocks. 
 
 * You're for Jolliffe, I suppose,' said the gentleman 
 with the bill, to another with a blue coat and buff lining, 
 ' he's at Chipstead church — only six miles from Croy- 
 don, a sure find and good country.' ' What are you 
 for, Mr. Jorrocks ? ' inquired another in green, with 
 black velvet breeches, Hessian boots, and a red waist- 
 coat, who just rode up. ' My own, to be sure,' said 
 Jorrocks, taking hold of the green collar of his coat, 
 as much as to say, ' How can you ask such a question ? ' 
 ' Oh, no,' said the gentleman in green, * come to the 
 stag, — much better sport — sure of a gallop — open 
 country — get it over soon — back in town before the 
 post goes out.' Before Mr. Jorrocks had time to make 
 a reply to this last interrogatory, they were overtaken 
 by another horseman, who came hopping along at a 
 sort of a butcher's shuffle, on a worn-out, three-legged, 
 four-cornered hack, with one eye, a rat-tail, and a head 
 as large as a fiddle-case — ' Who's for the blue mottles ? ' 
 said he, casting a glance at their respective coats, and 
 at length fixing it on the Yorkshireman. ' Why, 
 Dickens, you're not going thistle-whipping with that 
 nice 'orse of yours,' said the gentleman in the velvets ; 
 ' come and see the stag turned out— sure of a gallop — 
 no hedges — soft country — plenty of publics — far better 
 sport, man, than pottering about looking for your foxes 
 and hares, and wasting your time ; take my advice, and 
 come with me.' ' But,' says Dickens, 'my 'orse won't 
 stand it ; I had him in the shay till eleven last night,
 
 THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY. 27 
 
 md he came forty-three mile with our traveller the day 
 oefore, else he's a " good un to go," as you know. Do 
 /ou remember the (?zcdacious leap he took over the 
 inker's tent, at Epping 'unt, last Easter ? How he 
 istonished the natives within ! ' ' Yes ; but then, you 
 enow, you fell head-foremost through the canvas, and 
 10 wonder your ugly mug frightened them,' replied he 
 )f the velvets. ' Ay ; but that was in consequence of 
 ny riding by balance instead of gripping with my legs,' 
 ■eplied Dickens ; ' you see, I had taken seven lessons 
 n riding at the school in Bidborough-street, Burton- 
 ;rescent, and they always told me to balance myself 
 equally on the saddle, and harden my heart, and ride 
 '.t whatever came in the way ; and the tinker's tent 
 oming first, why, naturally enough, I went at it. But 
 have had some practice since then, and, of course, 
 an stick on better. I have 'unted regularly ever since, 
 ind can " do the trick" now.' ' What, summer and 
 vinter ? ' said Jorrocks. ' No,' replied he, ' but I 
 lave 'unted regularly every fifth Saturday since the 
 unting began.' 
 
 After numerous discourses similar to the foregoing, 
 
 hey arrived at the end of the first stage on the road 
 
 the hunt, namely, the small town of Croydon, the 
 
 Rendezvous of London sportsmen. The whole place 
 
 1:1 'vas alive with red coats, green coats, blue coats, black 
 
 :oats, brown coats, in short, coats of all the colours of 
 
 : he rainbow. Horsemen were mounting, horsemen 
 
 j; vere dismounting, one-horse 'shays' and two-horse 
 
 - !;haises were discharging their burthens, grooms were 
 
 er buckling on their masters* spurs, and others were pulling 
 
 Q j)ff their overalls. Eschewing the Greyhound, they 
 
 [id j;urn short to the right, and make for the Derby Arms' 
 
 Qt liunting stables. 
 
 lit,[ Charley Morton, a fine old boy of his age, was
 
 28 THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY. 
 
 buckling on his armour for the fight, his soul too was 
 ' on fire, and eager for the chase.' He was for the 
 ' venison ; ' and having mounted his ' deer-stalker,' was 
 speedily joined by divers perfect ' swells,' in beautiful 
 leathers, beautiful coats, beautiful tops, beautiful every- 
 thing'-, except horses, and off they rode to cut in for the 
 first course, — a stag-hunt on a Saturday being usually 
 divided into three. 
 
 The ride down had somewhat sharpened Jorrocks's 
 appetite ; and feeling, as he said, quite ready for his 
 dinner, he repaired to Mr. Morton's house, — a kind of 
 sporting snuggery, everything in apple-pie order, and 
 very good, — where he baited himself on sausages and 
 salt herrings, a basin of new milk, with some ' sticking 
 powder,' as he called it, alias rum, infused into it ; and 
 having deposited a half-quartern loaf in one pocket, as 
 a sort of balance against a huge bunch of keys which 
 rattled in the other, he pulled out his watch, and find- 
 ing they had a quarter of an hour to spare, proposed 
 to chaperone the Yorkshireman on a tour of the hunt- 
 ing stables. Jorrocks summoned the ostler, and with 
 great dignity led the way. ' Humph,' said he, 
 evidently disappointed at seeing half the stalls empty, 
 ' no great show this morning — pity^ — gentleman come 
 from a distance- — should like to have shown him some 
 ofood nasTS.- — What sort of a devil's this ? ' ' Oh sir, 
 he's a good un, and nothing but a good un ! — Leap ! 
 Lord love ye, he'll leap anything. A railway cut, a 
 windmill with the sails going, a navigable river with 
 ships — anything, in short. This is the 'orse wot took 
 the line of houses down at Beddington the day they 
 had the /'r^mendious run from Reigate-hill.' ' And 
 wot's the gray in the far stall ? ' ' Oh, that's Mr. 
 Pepper's old nag — Pepper- Gz^/^r, as we call him, since 
 he threw the old gemman, the morning they met at
 
 THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURRE V. 29 
 
 the Leg-of-Mutton at Ashstead. But he's good for 
 nothing. Bless ye ! his tail shakes for all the world 
 like a pepper-box afore he's gone half a mile. Those 
 be yours in the far stalls, and since they were turned 
 round I've won a bob of a gemman who I bet I'd 
 show him two 'osses with their heads vere their tails 
 should be.* I always says,' added he with a leer, 
 ' that you rides the best 'osses of any gemman vot 
 comes to our governor's.' This flattered Jorrocks, 
 and sidling up, he slipped a shilling into his hand, 
 saying, ' Well, — bring them out, and let's see how they 
 look this morning.' The stall reins are slipt, and out 
 they step with their hoods on their quarters. One 
 was a large, fat, full-sized chestnut, with a white ratch 
 down the full extent of his face, a long square tail, 
 bushy mane, with untrimmed heels. The other was a 
 brown, about fifteen two, coarse-headed, with a rat-tail, 
 and collar-marked. The tackle was the same as they 
 came down with. ' You'll do the trick on that, I 
 reckon,' said Jorrocks, throwing his leg over the chest- 
 nut, and looking askew at the Yorkshireman as he 
 mounted. ' Tatt., and old Tatt., and Tatt. sen. before 
 him, all agree that they never knew a bad 'oss with a 
 rat-tail. But, let me tell you, you must be werry 
 lively, if you mean to live with our 'ounds. They go 
 like the wind. But come ! touch him with the spur, 
 and let's do a trot.' The Yorkshireman obeyed, and 
 getting into the main street, onward they jogged, 
 right through Croydon, and struck into a line of villas 
 of all sorts, shapes, and sizes, which extend for several 
 miles along the road, exhibiting all sorts of architec- 
 ture, Gothic, Corinthian, Doric, Ionic, Dutch, and 
 Chinese. These gradually diminished in number, and 
 
 * A favourite joke among grooms when a horse is turned round in his 
 stall.
 
 30 THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY. 
 
 at length they found themselves on an open heath, 
 within a few miles of the meet of the 'Surrey fox- 
 hounds.' ' Now,' says Mr. Jorrocks, clawing up his 
 smalls, ' you will see the werry finest pack of hounds 
 in all England ; I don't care where the next best are ; 
 and you will see as good a turn-out as ever you saw in 
 your life, and as nice a country to ride over as ever 
 you were in. ' 
 
 They reach the meet, — a way-side public-house on 
 a common, before which the hounds with their attend- 
 ants and some fifty or sixty horsemen, many of them 
 in scarlet, were assembled. Jorrocks was received 
 with the greatest cordiality, amid whoops and holloas, 
 and cries of 'now Twankay ! — now Sugar! — now 
 Figs ! ' Waving his hand in token of recognition, he 
 passed on and made straight for Tom Hill, with a face 
 full of importance, and nearly rode over a hound in 
 his hurry. * Now, Tom,' said he, with the greatest 
 energy, ' do, my good fellow, strain every nerve to 
 show sport to-day, — A gentleman has come all the 
 way from the north-east side of the town of Borough- 
 bridge, in the county of York, to see our excellent 
 'ounds, and I would fain have him galvanized. — Do 
 show us a run, and let it end with blood, so that he 
 may have something to tell the natives when he gets 
 back to his own parts. That's him, see, sitting under 
 the yew-tree, in a bottle-green coat with basket 
 buttons, just striking a light on the pummel of his 
 saddle to indulge in a fumigation. — Keep your eye on 
 him all day, and if you can lead him over an awkward 
 place, and get him a purl, so much the better. — If'he'll 
 risk his neck I'll risk my 'oss's.' 
 
 The Yorkshireman, havinor lio-hted his ciofar and 
 tightened his girths, rode leisurely among the horse- 
 men, many of whom were in eager council, and a

 
 *
 
 THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY. 31 
 
 gentle breeze wafted divers scraps of conversation to 
 his ear. 
 
 What is that hound got by ? No. How is that 
 horse bred ? No. What sport had you on Wednes- 
 day ? No. Is it a Hkely find to-day 'i No, no, no ; it 
 was not where the hounds, but what the consuls, left off 
 at; what the four per cents., and not the four horses, 
 were tcp to ; what the condition of the money, not the 
 horse, market. ' Anything doing in Danish bonds, 
 sir ? ' said one. ' You must do it by lease and release, 
 and levy a fine,' replied another. Scott v. Brown, 
 crim. con. to be heard on or before Wednesday next. — 
 Barley thirty to forty-two. — Fine upland Meadow and 
 Rye Grass hay, seventy to eighty. — The last pocket 
 of hops I sold brought seven pounds fifteen shilling. 
 Sussex bags six pounds ten shillings. — There were 
 only twenty-eight and a quarter ships at market, ' and 
 coals are coals.' ' Glad to hear it, sir, for half the last 
 you sent me were slates.' — ' Best qualities of beef four 
 shillings and eightpence a stone — mutton three shillings 
 and eightpence, to four shillings and sixpence. — He 
 was exceedingly ill when I paid my last visit — I gave 
 him nearly a stone of Epsom salts, and bled him twice. — 
 This horse would suit you to a T, sir, but my skip-jack 
 is coming out on one at two o'clock that can carry a 
 house. — See what a bosom this one's eot. — Well 
 Gunter, old boy, have you iced your horse to-day ? — 
 Have you heard that Brown and Co. are in the Gazette? 
 No, which Brown — not John Brown .-* No, William 
 
 Brown of street — Brown*? with an e ; you know 
 
 the man I mean. — Oh ! Lord, ay, the man wot used to 
 be called nosey Browne.' A general move ensued, and 
 they left ' the meet.' 
 
 ' Vere be you going to turn out pray, sir, may I in- 
 quire ? ' said a gentleman in green to the huntsman, as
 
 32 THE YORKSIII REMAN AND THE SURREY. 
 
 he turned into the field. ' Turn out,' said he, ' why ye 
 don't suppose we be come calf-hunting, do ye ? We 
 throius off some two stones throw from here, if so be 
 you mean what cover we are going to draw.' ' No,' 
 said green- coat, ' I mean where do you turn out the 
 stae ? ' — ' D- — n the stas:, we know nothino^ about such 
 matters,' replied the huntsman. ' Ware wheat ! ware 
 wheat ! ware wheat ! ' was now^ the general cry, as a 
 gentleman in nankeen pantaloons and Hessian boots 
 with long brass spurs, commenced a navigation across 
 a sprouting crop. ' Ware wheat, ware wheat ? ' replied 
 he, considering it part of the ceremony of hunt- 
 ing, and continuing his forward course. ' Come to my 
 
 side,' said Mr. , to the whipper-in, ' and meet that 
 
 gentleman as he arrives at yonder gate ; and keep by 
 him while I scold you.' — ' Now, sir, most particularly 
 d — n you, for riding slap-dash over the young wheat, 
 you most confounded insensible ignorant tinker, isn't 
 the headland wide enough both for you and your horse, 
 even if your spurs were as long again as they are ? ' 
 Shouts of ' Yooi over, over, over hounds — try for him — 
 yoicks — wind him ! good dogs — yoicks ! stir him up — 
 have at hwt there ! ' — here interrupted the jawbation, 
 and the whip rode off shaking his sides with laughter. 
 ' Your horse has got a stone in each fore-foot, and a 
 thorn in his near hock,' observed a dentist to a whole- 
 sale haberdasher from Ludgate-hill, ' allow me to 
 extract them for you — no pain, I assure — over before 
 you know It.' 'Come away, hounds! come away!' 
 was heard, and presently the huntsman, with some of 
 the pack at his horses' heels, issued from the wood play- 
 ing ' Rule Britannia ' on a key bugle, while the cracks 
 of heavy-thonged whips warned the stragglers and 
 loiterers to follow. ' Music hath charms to soothe the 
 savage beast' observed Jorrocks, as he tucked the laps
 
 THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY. 33 
 
 of his frock over his thighs, ' and I hope we shall find 
 before long, else that quarter of house-lamb will be 
 utterly ruined. Oh dear, they are going below hill I 
 do believe ! why, we shall never get home to-day, 
 and I told Mrs. Jorrocks half-past five to a minute, 
 and I invited old Fleecy, who is a most punctual 
 man.' 
 
 Jorrocks was right in his surmise. They arrived on 
 the summit of a range of steep hills commanding an 
 extensive view over the neighbouring country — almost, 
 he said, as far as the sea-coast. The huntsman and 
 hounds went down, but many of the field held a coun- 
 cil of war on the top. ' Well ! who's going down ? ' 
 said one. ' I shall wait for the next turn,' said 
 Jorrocks, ' for my horse does not like collar work.' ' I 
 shall go this time,' said another, ' and the rest next.' 
 * And so will I,' said a third, * for mayhap there will be 
 no second turn.' * Ay,' added a fourth, ' and he may 
 go the other way, and then where shall we all be }' 
 ' Poh ! ' said Jorrocks, ' did you ever know a Surrey 
 fox not to take to the hills ? — if he does not, I'll eat him 
 without mint sauce,' again harping on the quarter of 
 lamb. ' Facilis descensus Averni;' — two-thirds of the 
 field went down, leaving Jorrocks, two horsedealers 
 in scarlet, three chicken-butchers, half a dozen swells 
 in leathers, a whip, and the Yorkshireman on the 
 summit. ' Why don't you go with the hounds ? ' in- 
 quired the latter of the whip. ' Oh, I wait here, sir.' 
 said he, ' to meet Tom Hills as he comes up, and to 
 give him a fresh horse.' 'And who is Tom Hills ?' 
 inquired the Yorkshireman. ' Oh, he's our huntsman,' 
 replied he; 'you know Tom, don't you?' 'Why, I 
 can't say I do, exactly ; ' said he, ' but tell me, is he 
 called Hills because he rides up and down these hills, 
 or is that his real name?' ' Hought; you know as 
 
 D
 
 34 THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY. 
 
 well as I do,' said he, quite indignantly, ' that Tom 
 Hills is his name,' 
 
 The hounds, with the majority of the field, having 
 effected the descent of the hills, were now trotting on 
 in the valley below, sufficiently near however to allow 
 our hill party full view of their proceedings. After 
 drawing a couple of osier-beds blank, they assumed a 
 line parallel to the hills, and moved on to a wood of 
 about ten acres, the west end of which terminated in a 
 natural gorse. * They'll find there to a certainty,' said 
 Mr. Jorrocks, pulling a telescope out of his breeches' 
 pocket, and adjusting the sight. ' Never saw it blank 
 but once, and that was the werry day the commercial 
 panic of twenty-five commenced. — I remember making 
 an entry in my ledger when I got home to that effect. 
 Humph ! ' continued he, looking through the glass, 
 ' they are through the wood, though, without a 
 challenge. Now, my booys, push him out of the gorse! 
 Let's see vot you're made of. — There goes the first 
 'ound in. — It's Galloper, I believe. — I can almost see 
 the bag of shot round his neck. — Now they all follow. 
 — One — two — three — four — five — all together, my 
 beauties ! Oh, vot a sight ! Peckham's cap's in the 
 air and it's a find, by Heavens !' Mr. Jorrocks is 
 right. — The southerly wand wafts up the fading notes 
 of the Huntsman's Chorus in Der Frieschutz and con- 
 firms the fact. — Jorrocks is in ecstasies. — ' Now,' said 
 he, clawing up his breeches (for he dispenses with 
 the article of braces when out hunting), ' that's what I 
 calls fine. Oh, beautiful ! beautiful ! — Now, follow me 
 if you please, and if yon gentleman in drab does not 
 shoot the fox, he will be on the hills before long.' 
 Away they scampered along the top of the ridge, with 
 a complete view of the operations below. At length 
 Jorrocks stopped, and pulling the telescope out, began
 
 THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY. 35 
 
 making an observation. ' There he is, at last,' cried 
 he, 'just crossed the corner of yon green field — now he 
 creeps through the hedge by the fir-tree, and is in the 
 fallow one. Yet, stay — that's no fox — it's a hare : and 
 yet Tom Hills makes straight for the spot — and did 
 you hear that loud tallyho ? * Oh ! gentlemen, gentle- 
 men, we shall be laughed to scorn — what can they be 
 doing — see, they take up the scent, and the whole pack 
 have joined in chorus. Great heavens, it's no more a 
 fox than I am ! — No more brush than a badger ! Oh 
 dear ! oh dear ! that I should live to see my old friends, 
 the Surrey fox-'ounds, 'unt hare, and that too in the 
 presence of a stranger.' The animal made direct for 
 the hills ; — whatever it was, the hounds were on good 
 terms with it, and got away in good form. The sight 
 was splendid — all the field got well off, nor between 
 the cover and the hills was there sufficient space for 
 tailing. A little elderly gentleman, in a pepper-and- 
 salt coat, led the way gallantly — then came the scarlets 
 — then the darks — and then the fustian-clad country- 
 men. Jorrocks was in a shocking state, and rolled 
 along the hill-tops, almost frantic. The field reached 
 the bottom, and the foremost commenced the steep 
 ascent. 
 
 ' Oh, Tom Hills ! — Tom Hills ! — " what are you at ? 
 what are you arterf' ' demanded Jorrocks, as he landed 
 on the top. ' Here's a gentleman come all the way from 
 the north-east side of the town of Boroughbridge, in 
 the county of York, to see our excellent 'ounds, and 
 here you are running a hare. Oh, Tom Hills! Tom 
 Hills ! ride forward, ride forward, and whip them off, 
 ere we eternally disgrace ourselves.' ' Oh,' says Tom, 
 laughing, ' he's a fox ! but he's so tarnation frightened 
 of our hounds, that his brush dropped off through very 
 fear, as soon as ever he heard us go into the wood ; if
 
 36 THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY. 
 
 you go back, you'll find it somewhere, Mr. Jorrocks; 
 haw, "haw, haw ! No fox indeed!' said he, — ' forrard 
 hounds, forrard ! ' and away he went— caught the old 
 whipper-in, dismounted him in a twinkling, and was on 
 a fresh horse with his hounds in full cry. The line of 
 flight was still along the hill-tops, and all eagerly 
 pressed on, making a goodly ratde over the beds of 
 flints. A check ensued. ' The guard on yonder 
 nasty Brighton coach has frightened him with his horn,' 
 said Tom ; ' now we must make a cast up to yonder 
 garden, and see if he's taken shelter among the 
 geraniums in the green-house. As litde damage as 
 possible, gentlemen, if you please. In riding through 
 the nursery grounds. Now, hold hard, sir — pray do — 
 there's no occasion to break the kale pots ; he can't be 
 under them. Ah, yonder he goes, the tail-less beggar; 
 did you see him as he stole past the corner out of the 
 early-cabbage bed. Now bring on the hounds and let 
 us press him towards London.' 
 
 ' See the conquering hero comes,' sounded through 
 the avenue of elms as Tom dashed forward with the 
 merry, merry pack. ' I shall stay on the hills,' said 
 one, ' and be ready for him as he comes back ; I took 
 a good deal of the shine out of my horse in coming up 
 this time.' ' I think I will do the same,' said two or 
 three more. ' Let's be doing,' said Jorrocks, ramming 
 his spurs into his nag to seduce him into a gallop, who, 
 after sendiuQf his heels into the air a few times in token 
 of his disapprobation of such treatment, at last put him- 
 self into a round-rolling sort of canter, which Jorrocks 
 kept up by dint of spurring and dropping his great 
 bastinaderer of a whip every now and then across his 
 shoulders. Away they go pounding together ! 
 
 The line lies over flint fallows occasionally diversified 
 with a turnip-field or market-garden, and every now
 
 THE YORKSHI REMAN AND THE SURREY. 37 
 
 and then, a ' wllla ' appears, from which emerge foot- 
 men in jackets, and in yellow, red, and green plush 
 breeches, with no end of admiring housemaids, 
 governesses, and nurses with children in their arms. 
 
 Great was the emulation when any of these were 
 approached, and the rasping sportsmen rushed eagerly 
 to the ' fore.' At last they approach ' Miss Birchwell's 
 finishing and polishing seminary for young ladies,' 
 whose great flaring blue and gold sign, reflecting the 
 noon-day rays of the sun, had frightened the fox and 
 caused him to alter his line and take away to the west. 
 A momentary check ensued, but all the amateur hunts- 
 men being blown, Tom, who is well up with his 
 hounds, makes a quick cast round the house, and hits 
 off the scent like a workman. A private road and a 
 line of gates through fields now greet the eyes of our 
 M'Adamisers. A young gentleman on a hired hunter 
 very nattily attired, here singles himself out and takes 
 place next to Tom, throwing the pebbles and dirt back 
 in the eyes of the field. Tom crams away, throwing 
 the gates open as he goes, and our young gentleman 
 very coolly passes through, without a touch, letting 
 them bang-to behind him. The Yorkshireman, who 
 has been gradually creeping up, until he has got the 
 third place, having opened two or three, and seeing 
 another likely to close for want of a push, cries out to 
 our friend as he approaches, * P2U out your /lajid, 
 sir!' The gentleman obediently extends his limb 
 like the arm of a telegraph, and rides over half the 
 next field with his hand in the air ! The gate, of 
 course, falls to. 
 
 A stopper appears — a gate locked and spiked, with 
 a downward hinge to prevent its being lifted. To the 
 right is a rail, and a ha-ha beyond it^ — to the left a 
 quick fence. Tom glances at both, but turns short;,
 
 ^,8 THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY. 
 
 and backing his horse, rides at the rail. The York- 
 shireman follows, but Jorrocks, who espies a weak 
 place in the fence a few yards from the gate, turns 
 short, and jumping off, prepares to lead over. It is an 
 old gap, and the farmer has placed a sheep hurdle on 
 the far side. Just as Jorrocks has pulled that out, his 
 horse, who is a bit of a rusher, and has now got his 
 ' monkey ' completely up, pushes forward while his 
 master is yet stooping — and hitting him in the rear, 
 knocks him clean through the fence, head foremost 
 
 into a squire-trap beyond ! ' Non rcdold sed olet I ' 
 
 exclaims the Yorkshireman, who dismounts in a 
 twinkling, lending his friend a hand out of the un- 
 savoury cesspool.- — ' That's what comes of hunting in 
 a new* saddle, you see,' added he, holding his nose. 
 Jorrocks scrambles upon ' terra firma,' and exhibits 
 such a spectacle as provokes the shouts of the held. 
 He has lost his wig, his hat hangs to his back, and one 
 side of his person and face is completely japanned 
 with black odoriferous mixture. ' My vig ! ' exclaims 
 he, spitting and spluttering, ' but that's the nastiest 
 hole I ever was in, — Fleet ditch is lavender-water 
 compared to it ! Hooi yonder! ' hailing a lad, * catch 
 my 'oss, booity ! ' Tom Hills has him; and Jorrocks, 
 pocketing his wig, remounts, rams his spurs into the 
 nag, and again tackles with the pack, which had come 
 to a momentary check on the Eden-bridge road. The 
 fox has been headed by a party of gipsies, and, chang- 
 ing his point, bends southward and again reaches the 
 hills, along which some score of horsemen have 
 planted themselves in the likeliest place to head him. 
 Reynard, however, is too deep for them, and has 
 stolen down unperceived. Poor Jorrocks, wdiat with 
 
 * There is a superstition among sportsmen that they are sure to get a 
 fall the first day they appear in anything new.
 
 THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY. 39 
 
 the violent exertion of riding-, his fall, and the soicveuir 
 of the cesspool that he still bears about him, pulls up 
 fairly exhausted. ' Oh dear,' says he, scraping the 
 thick of the filth off his coat with his whip, ' I'm 
 reglarXy blown, I carn't go down with the 'ounds this 
 turn ; but, my good fellow,' turning to the Yorkshire- 
 man, who was helping to purify him, ' don't let me 
 stop you, go down by all means, but mind, bear in 
 mind the quarter of house-lamb — at half-past five to a 
 mimde.' 
 
 Many of the Cits now gladly avail themselves of 
 the excuse of assisting Mr, Jorrocks to clean himself 
 for pulling up, but as soon as ever those that are going 
 below hill are out of sight and they have given him 
 two or three wipes, they advise him to let it ' dry on,' 
 and immediately commence a different sort of amuse- 
 ment — each man dives into his pocket and produces 
 the eatables. 
 
 Part of Jorrocks's half-quartern loaf was bartered 
 with the captain of an East Indiaman for a slice of 
 buffalo-beef. The dentist exchanged some veal sand- 
 wiches with a Jew for ham ones ; a lawyer from the 
 Borough offered two slices of toast for a hard-boiled 
 ^g<g ; in fact, there was a petty market ' oirucrt ' held. 
 'Now, Tomkins, where's the bottle?' demanded 
 Jenkins. ' Vy, I thought yozc would bring it out to- 
 day,' replied he ; ' I brought it last time, you know.' 
 ' Take a little of mine, sir,' said a gentleman, present- 
 incr a leather-covered flask — ' real Thomson and 
 Fearon, I assure you.' ' I wish some one would fetch 
 an ocean of porter from the nearest public,' said 
 another. * Take a cigar, sir ? ' ' No ; I feel werry 
 much obliged, but they always make me womit.' ' Is 
 there any gentleman here going to Halifax, who would 
 like to make a third in a new yellow barouche, with
 
 40 THE YORKSHI REMAN AND THE SURREY. 
 
 lavender-coloured wheels, and pink lining ? ' inquired 
 
 Mr. , the coach-maker. ' Look at the hounds 
 
 gentlemen sportsmen, my noble sportsmen ! ' bellowed 
 out an Epsom Dorling's correct-card seller — and turn- 
 ing their eyes in the direction in which he was looking, 
 our sportsmen saw them again making for the hills. 
 Pepper-and-salt first, and oh, w^hat a goodly tail was 
 there ! — three-quarters of a mile in length, at the least. 
 Now up they come — the ' corps de reserve ' again join, 
 and again a party halt upon the hills. Again Tom 
 Hills exchanges horses ; and again the hounds go on 
 in full cry. ' I must be off,' said a gentleman in 
 balloon-like leathers to another tiger ; ' we have just 
 time to get back to town, and ride round by the park 
 before it is dark — much better than seeinof the end of 
 this brute. Let us go ; ' — and away they went to 
 canter through Hyde-park in their red coats. ' I must 
 go and all,' said another gentleman ; ' my dinner will 
 be ready at five, and it is now three.' Jorrocks was 
 game ; and forgetting the quarter of house-lamb, again 
 tackled with the pack. A smaller sweep sufficed this 
 time, and the hills were once more descended, Jorrocks 
 the first to lead the way. He well knew the fox was 
 sinking, and was determined to be in at the death. 
 Short running ensued — a check — the fox had lain 
 down, and they had over-run the scent. Now they 
 were on him, and Tom Hills's who-Vv^hoop confirmed 
 the whole. 
 
 'Ah! Tom Hills, Tom Hills!' exclaimed Jorrocks 
 as the former took up the fox, ' 'ow splendid, 'ow truly 
 brilliant — by Jove, you deserve to be Lord Hill — oh ! 
 had he but a brush, that we might present it to this 
 gentleman from the north-east side of the town of 
 Boroughbridge, in the county of York, to show the 
 gallant doings of the men of Surrey.' ' Ay,' said
 
 THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY. 41 
 
 •Tom, ' but squire 's keeper has been before us 
 
 for it.' 
 
 ' Now,' said a gentleman in a cap, to another in a 
 hat, ' if you will ride up the hill and collect the money 
 there, I will do so below — half-a-crown, if you please, 
 sir ; — half-a-crown, if you please, sir. — Have I got 
 your half-a-crown, sir ? ' — * Here's three shillings, if you 
 will give me sixpence.' 'Certainly, sir — certainly.' 
 ' We have no time to spare,' said Jorrocks, looking at 
 his watch, ' good afternoon, gentlemen, good after- 
 noon,' — muttering as he went, ' a quarter of house- 
 lamb at half-past five — Mrs. Jorrrocks werry punctual 
 — old Fleecy werry particular.' They cut across 
 country to Croydon, and as they approached the town, 
 innumerable sportsmen came flocking in from all 
 quarters. 'What sport . have you had?' inquired 
 Jorrocks of a gentleman in scarlet, ' have you been 
 with Jolliffe ? ' 'No, with the stag-hounds ; three 
 beautiful runs ; took him once in a mill-pond, once in 
 a barn, and once in a brick-field — altogether the finest 
 clay's sport I ever saw in my life.' ' What have you 
 done, Mr. J.?' 'Oh, we have had a most gallant 
 thing ; a brilliant run indeed — three hours and twenty 
 minutes without a check — over the finest country 
 imaginable.' 'And who got the brush ?' inquired the 
 stag-man. ' Oh, it was a gallant run,' said Jorrocks, 
 ' by far the finest I ever remember.' ' But did you 
 kill ? ' demanded his friend. ' Kill ! to be sure we did. 
 When dont the Surrey kill, I should like to know ? ' 
 ' And who got his brush, did you say ? ' 'I can't tell,' 
 said he — .didn't hear the gentleman's name.' ' What 
 sport has Mr. Meager had to-day ? ' inquired he of a 
 gentleman in trousers, who issued from a side lane 
 into the hieh road. ' I have been with the Sander- 
 stead, sir — a very capital day's sport ; — run five hares
 
 42 THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY. 
 
 and killed three. We should have killed four — only 
 — we didn't.' ' I don't think Mr. Meag-er has done 
 anything to-day.' * Yes, he has,' said a gentleman, 
 who just joined with a hare buckled on in front of his 
 saddle, and his white cords all stained with blood ; ' we 
 killed this chap after an hour and forty-minutes' gallop ; 
 and accounted for another by losing her after running 
 upwards of three quarters of an hour.' 'Well, then, 
 we have all had sport,' said Jorrocks, as he spurred his 
 horse into a trot, and made for Morton's stables — ' and 
 if the quarter of house-lamb is but right, then indeed 
 am I a happy man.'
 
 No. III. 
 SURREY SHOOTING 
 
 MR. JORROCKS IN TROUBLE. 
 
 Our readers are now becoming pretty familiar with 
 our principal hero, Mr. Jorrocks, and we hope he im- 
 proves on acquaintance. Our fox-hunting friends, we 
 are sure, will allow him to be an enthusiastic member 
 of the brotherhood, and though we do not profess to 
 put him in competition with Musters, Osbaldeston, or 
 any of those sort of men, yet we mean to say that had 
 his lot been cast in the country instead of behind a 
 counter, his keenness would have rendered him as con- 
 spicuous — if not as scientific — as the best of them. 
 
 For a cockney sportsman, however, he is a very ex- 
 cellent fellow — frank, hearty, open, generous, and hos- 
 pitable, and with the exception of riding up Fleet-street 
 one Saturday afternoon, with a cock pheasant's tail 
 sticking out of his red coat pocket, no one ever saw him 
 do a cock tail action in his life. 
 
 The circumstances attending that exhibition are 
 rather curious. — He had gone out as usual on a Satur- 
 day, to have a day with the Surrey, but on mounting his 
 hunter at Croydon, he felt the nag rather queer under 
 him, and thinking he might have been pricked in the 
 shoeing, he pulled up at the smith's at Addington, to 
 have his feet examined. This lost him five minutes, 
 and unfortunately when he got to the meet, he found
 
 44 SURREY SHOOTING: 
 
 that a ' travelling* fox ' had been tallied at the precise 
 moment of throwing off, with which the hounds had 
 gone away in their usual brilliant style, to the tune of 
 ' Blue bonnets are over the border.' As may be sup- 
 posed, he was in a deuce of a rage ; and his first impulse 
 prompted him to withdraw his subscription and be done 
 with the hunt altogether, and he trotted forward ' on 
 the line,' in the hopes of catching them up to tell them 
 so. In this he was foiled, for after riding some distance 
 he overtook a string of Smithfield horses journeying 
 ' foreign for Evans,' whose imprints he had been tak- 
 ing for the hoof-marks of the hunters. About noon he 
 found himself dull, melancholy, and disconsolate, before 
 the sign of the ' Pig and Whistle,' on the Westerham 
 road, where, after wetting his own whistle with a pint 
 of half-and-half, he again journeyed onward, ruminating 
 on the uncertainty and miutability of all earthly affairs, 
 the comparative merits of the stag, fox, and hare hunt- 
 ing, and the necessity of getting rid of the day some- 
 w^here or other in the country. 
 
 Suddenly his reverie was interrupted by thedischarge 
 of a gun in the field adjoining the hedge along which 
 he was passing, and the boisterous whirring of a great 
 cock-pheasant over his head, which caused his horse to 
 start and stop short, and to nearly pitch Jorrocks over 
 his head. The bird was missed, but the sportsman's 
 dog dashed after it, with all the eagerness of expecta- 
 tion, regardless of the cracks of the whip — the ' comes 
 to heel,' and * downs to charge ' of the master. Jor- 
 rocks pulled out his hunting telescope, and having 
 marked the bird down with the precision of a billiard- 
 table keeper, rode to the gate to acquaint the shooter 
 
 ♦ He might well be called a 'travelling fox,' for it was said he had 
 just travelled down from Herring's, in the New-road, by the Bromley 
 stage.
 
 MR. JORROCKS IN TROUBLE. 45 
 
 with the fact, when to his infinite amazement he dis- 
 covered his friend, Nosey Browne (late of' The Surrey'), 
 who, since his affairs liad taken the unfortunate turn 
 mentioned in our last paper, had given up hunting and 
 determined to confine himself to shooting only. Nosey, 
 however, was no great performer, as may be inferred, 
 when we say that he had been in pursuit of the above- 
 mentioned cock-pheasant ever since day-break, and 
 after firing thirteen shots at him had not yet touched 
 a feather. 
 
 His dog was of the right sort — for Nosey at least — 
 and hope deferred had not made his heart sick ; on the 
 contrary, he dashed after his bird for the thirteenth 
 time with all the eagerness he displayed on the first. 
 ' Let me have a crack at him,' said Jorrocks to Nosey, 
 after their mutual salutations were over. ' I know 
 where he is, and I think I can floor him.' Browne 
 handed the gun to Jorrocks, who giving up his hunter 
 in exchange, strode off, and having marked his bird 
 accurately, he kicked him up out of a bit of furze, and 
 knocked him down as ' dead as a door nail.' By that 
 pheasant's tail hangs the present one. 
 
 Now Nosey Browne and Jorrocks were old friends, 
 and Nosey 's affairs having gone crooked, why, of course, 
 like most men in a similar situation, he was all the 
 better for it ; and while his creditors were taking two- 
 pence-halfpenny in the pound, he was taking his diver- 
 sion on his wife's property, which a sagacious old father- 
 in-law had secured to the family in the event of such a 
 contingency as a failure happening ; so knowing Jor- 
 rocks's propensity for sports, and being desirous of 
 chatting over all his gallant doings with * The Surrey,' 
 shortly after the above-mentioned day he despatched 
 a ' twopenny,' offering him a day's shooting on his pro- 
 perty in Surrey, adding, that he hoped he would dine
 
 46 SURJ^E Y SHO TING . 
 
 with him after. Jorrocks being invited himself, with 
 a freedom pecuHar to fox-hunters, invited his friend the 
 Yorkshireman, and visiting his armoury, selected him a 
 regular shot-scatterer of a gun, capable of carr)ing ten 
 yards on every side. 
 
 At the appointed hour on the appointed morning, the 
 Yorkshireman appeared in Great Coram-street, w^here 
 he found Mr. Jorrocks in the parlour in the act of settling 
 himself into a new spruce green cut-away gambroon 
 butler's pantry-jacket, with pockets equal to holding 
 a powder-flask each, his lower man being attired in tight 
 drab stocking-net pantaloons, and Hessian boots with 
 large tassels — a striking contrast to the fustian pocket- 
 and-all-pocket jackets marked with gam.e bag strap 
 and shot-Vjelt, and the weather-beaten, many-coloured 
 breeches and gaiters, and hob-nail shoes, that compose 
 the equipment of a shooter in Yorkshire. Mr. Jorrocks 
 not keeping any ' sporting dogs,' as the tax-papers call 
 them, had borrowed a fat house-dog — a cross between 
 a setter and a Dalmatian — of his friend ]\Ir. Evergreen 
 the orreen-ofrocer, which he had seen make a most un- 
 deniable point one morning in the Copenhagen fields 
 at a flock of pigeons in a beet-root garden. This valu- 
 able animal was now attached by a trash-cord through 
 a ring in his brass collar, to a leg of the sideboard, 
 while a clean licked dish at his side showed that Jor- 
 rocks had been trying to attach him to himself, by feed- 
 inof him before startino-. 
 
 'We'll take a coach to the Castle,' said Jorrocks, 
 ' and then get a " go-cart " or a cast somehow or other 
 to Streatham, for we shall have walking enough when 
 we get there. Browne is an excellent fellow, and will 
 make us range every acre of his estate over half a dozen 
 times before we give in.' A coach was speedily sum- 
 moned, into which Jorrocks, the dog Pompey, the
 
 MR. JORROCKS IN TROUBLE. 47 
 
 Yorkshireman, and the guns were speedily placed, and 
 away Uiey drove to the Elephant and Castle. 
 
 There were short stages about for every possible 
 place except Streatham, Greenwich, Deptford, Black- 
 heath, Eltham, Bromley, Footscray, Beckenham, 
 Lewisham, all places but the right. However, there 
 were abundance of '^6'-carts,' a species of vehicle that 
 ply in the outskirts of the Metropolis, and which, like 
 the watering-place 'fly' take their name from the con- 
 trary—in fact, a sort of liic2is a 71011 htcendo. They are 
 carts on springs, drawn by one horse (with curtains to 
 protect the company from the weather), the drivers of 
 which, partly by cheating, and partly by picking pockets, 
 eke out a comfortable existence, and are the most law- 
 less set of rascals under the sun. Their arrival at the 
 Elephant and Castle was a signal for a general muster 
 of the fraternity, who, seeing the guns, were convinced 
 that their journey was only what they call a few miles 
 down the road, and they were speedily surrounded by 
 twenty or thirty of them, all with * excellent 'osses, vot 
 vould take their honours fourteen miles an hour.' All 
 men of business are aware of the advantages of compe- 
 tition, and no one more so than Jorrocks, who stood 
 listening to their offers with the utmost sangfroid, until 
 he closed with one to take them to Streatham church 
 for two shillings, and deliver them within the half-hour, 
 which was a signal for all the rest to set-to and abuse 
 them, their coachman, and his horse, which they swore 
 had been carrying ' stiff-uns'* all night, and 'could not 
 go not none at all' Nor were they far wrong ; for the 
 horse, after scrambling a hundred yards or two, gradu- 
 ally relaxed into something between a walk and a trot, 
 while the driver kept soliciting every passer-by to 'ride,' 
 much to our sportsmen's chagrin, who conceived they 
 
 * Doing a bit of resurrection work.
 
 4S SURRE V SHOO TING : 
 
 were to have the ' go ' all to themselves. Remonstrance 
 was vain, and he crammed in a master chimney-sweep, 
 Major Ballenger, the licensed dealer in tea, coffee, 
 tobacco, and snuff, of Streatham (acustomer of Jorrocks), 
 and a wet nurse ; and took up an Italian organ-grinder 
 to ride beside himself on the front, before they had 
 accomplished Brixton-hill. Jorrocks swore most lustily 
 that he would fine him, and at every fresh assurance, 
 the driver offered a passer-by a seat ; but having en- 
 listed Major Ballenger into their cause, they at length 
 made a stand, which, unfortunately for them, was more 
 than the horse could do, for just as he was showing off, 
 as he thought, with a bit of a trot, down they all soused 
 in the mud. Great was the scramble ; guns, barrel- 
 organ, Pompey, Jorrocks, driver, master chimney-sweep, 
 Major Ballenger, were all down together, while the 
 wet-nurse, who sat at the end nearest the door, was 
 chucked clean over the hedge into a dry ditch. This 
 was a signal to quit the vessel, and having extricated 
 themselves the best way they could, they all set 
 off on foot, and left the driver to right himself at his 
 leisure. 
 
 Ballenger looked rather queer when he heard they 
 were going to Nosey Browne's, for it so happened that 
 Nosey had managed to walk into his books for groceries 
 and kitchen-stuff to the tune of fourteen pounds, a large 
 sum to a man in a small way of business ; and to be en- 
 tertaining friends so soon after his composition, seemed 
 curious to Ballenger's uninitiated suburban mind. 
 
 Crossing Streatham common, a short turn to the left 
 by some yew trees leads, by a near cut across the fields, 
 to Browne's house ; a fiery-red brick castellated cottage, 
 standing on the slope of a gentle eminence, and com- 
 bining almost every absurdity a cockne}' imagination 
 can be capable of. Nosey, who was his own ' Nash,'
 
 MR. JORROCKS IN TROUBLE. 49 
 
 set out with the intention of making it a castle and 
 nothing but a castle, and accordingly the windows were 
 made in the loophole fashion, and the door occupied a 
 third of the whole frontage. The inconveniences of 
 the arrangements were soon felt, for while the light was 
 almost excluded from the rooms, ' rude Boreas ' had 
 the complete run of the castle whenever the door was 
 opened. To remedy this, Nosey increased the one 
 and curtailed the other, and the Gothic oak-painted 
 windows and door flew from their positions to make 
 way for modern plate-glass in rich pea-green casements 
 and a door of similar hue. The battlements, however, 
 remained, and two wooden guns guarded a brace of 
 chimney-pots and commanded the wings of the castle, 
 one whereof was formed into a green, the other into a 
 ^^V-house. 
 
 The peals of a bright brass-handled bell at a garden 
 gate, surmounted by a holly-bush with the top cut 
 into the shape of a fox, announced their arrival to the 
 inhabitants of ' Rosalinda Castle,' and on entering 
 they discovered young Nosey in the act of bobbing 
 for gold fish, in a pond about the size of a soup-basin ; 
 while Nosey, senior, a fat, stupid-looking fellow, with a 
 large corporation and a bottle nose, attired in a single- 
 breasted green cloth coat, buff waistcoat, with drab 
 shorts and continuations, was reposing, ' sub teginine 
 fagil in a sort of tea-garden arbour, overlooking a 
 dung-heap, waiting their arrival to commence an attack 
 upon the sparrows which were regaling thereon. At 
 one end of the garden was a sort of temple, composed 
 of oyster-shells, containing a couple of carrier-pigeons, 
 with which Nosey had intended making his fortune, by 
 the early information to be acquired by them ; but 
 ' there is many a slip,' as Jorrocks would say. 
 
 Greetings being over, and Jorrocks having paid a 
 
 E
 
 50 SURRE V SHOOTING : 
 
 visit to the larder, and made up a stock of provisions 
 equal to a journey through the Wilderness, they ad- 
 journed to the yard to get the otJicr dog, and the man 
 to carry the game — or rather, the prog, for the former 
 was but problematical. He was a character, a sort of 
 chap of all work, one, in short, ' who has no objection 
 to make himself generally useful ; ' but if his genius 
 had any decided bent, it was, perhaps, an inclination 
 towards sporting. 
 
 Having to act the part of groom and game-keeper 
 during the morning, and butler and footman in the 
 afternoon, he was attired in a sort of composition dress, 
 savouring of the different characters performed. He 
 had on an old white hat, a groom's fustian stable-coat 
 cut down into a shooting jacket, with a whistle at the 
 button hole, red plush smalls, and top-boots. 
 
 There is nothing a cockney delights in more than 
 aping a country gentleman, and Browne fancied him- 
 self no bad hand at it ; indeed, since his London occu- 
 pation was gone, he looked upon himself as a country 
 gentleman in fact. ' Veil, Joe,' said he, striddling and 
 sticking his thumbs into the arm-holes of his waistcoat, 
 to this invaluable man of all work, ' we must show the 
 gemmen some sport to-day ; vich do you think the best 
 line to start upon — shall we go to the ten-hacre field, 
 or the plantation, or Thompson's stubble, or Tim's 
 turnips, or my meadow, or vere ? ' ' Vy, I doesn't 
 know,' said Joe ; ' there's that old hen-pheasant as we 
 calls Drab Bess, vot has haunted the plantin' these 
 two seasons, and none of us ever could 'it (hit), and I 
 hears that Jack, and Tom, and Bob, are still left out of 
 Thompson's covey ; but, my eyes ! they're 'special 
 vild ! ' ' Vot, only three left ? where is old Tom, and 
 the old ramping hen .'* ' inquired Browne. * Oh, Mr. 
 Smith and a party of them 'ere Bankside chaps com'd
 
 MR. JORROCKS IN TROUBLE. 51 
 
 down last Saturday's gone a week, and rattled nine- 
 and-twenty shots at the covey, and got the two old 
 un's ; at least it's supposed they were both killed, 
 though the seven on 'em only bagged one bird ; but I 
 heard they got a goose or two as they vent home. 
 They had a shot at old Tom, the hare, too, but he is still 
 alive ; at least I pricked him yesterday morn across the 
 path into the turnip-field. Suppose we goes at him 
 first ? ' 
 
 The estate, like the game, was rather deficient in 
 quantity, but Browne was a wise man and made the 
 most of what he had, and when he used to talk about 
 his ' manor ' on 'Change, people thought he had at least 
 a thousand acres — the extent a cockney generally ad- 
 vertises for, when he wants to take a shooting place. 
 The following is a sketch of what he had : — The east, 
 as far as the eye could reach, was bounded by Nor- 
 wood, a name dear to cockneys, and the scene of many 
 a furtive kiss ; the hereditaments and premises belong- 
 ing to Isaac Cheatum, Esq., ran parallel with it on the 
 west, containing sixty-three acres, ' be the same more 
 or less,' separated from which, by a small brook or 
 runner of water, came the estate of Mr. Tims, con- 
 sisting of sixty acres, three roods, and twenty-four 
 perches, commonly called or known by the name of 
 Fordham ; next to it were two allotments in right of 
 common, for all manner of cattle, except cows, upon 
 Streatham common, from whence up to Rosalinda 
 Castle, on the west, lay the estate of Mr. Browne, con- 
 sisting of fifty acres and two perches. Now it so 
 happened that Brown had formerly the permission to 
 sport all the way up to Norwood, a distance of a mile 
 and a half, and consequently he might have been said 
 to have the right of shooting in Norwood itself, for the 
 keepers only direct their attention to the preservation
 
 52 SURRE V SHOO TING : 
 
 of the timber and the morals of the visitors ; but 
 since his composition with his creditors, Mr. Cheatum, 
 who had ' gone to the wall ' himself in former years, 
 was so scandalized at Browne doing the same, that 
 no sooner did his name appear in the Gazette, than 
 Cheatum withdrew his permission, thereby cutting him 
 off from Norwood and stopping him in pursuit of his 
 game. 
 
 Joe's proposition being duly seconded, Mr. Jorrocks, 
 in the most orthodox manner, flushed off his old flint 
 and steel fire-engine, and proceeded to give it an un- 
 common good loading. The Yorkshireman, with a 
 look of disgust, mingled with despair, and a glance at 
 Joe*s plush breeches and top boots, did the same, while 
 Nosey, in the most considerate sportsman-like manner, 
 merely shouldered a stick, in order that there might be 
 no delicacy with his neighbours, as to who should shoot 
 first — a piece of etiqiiette that aids the escape of many 
 a bird in the neiMibourhood of London. 
 
 Old Tom, — a most unfortunate old hare, that what 
 with the harriers, the shooters, the snarers, and one 
 thing and another, never knew a moment's peace, and 
 who must have started in the world with as many lives 
 as a cat, — being doomed to receive the first crack on 
 this occasion, our sportsmen stole gently down the 
 fallow, at the bottom of which were the turnips, 
 wherein he was said to repose ; but scarcely had they 
 reached the hurdles which divided the field, before he 
 was seen legging it away clean out of shot. Jorrocks, 
 who had brought his gun to bear upon him, could 
 scarcely refrain from letting drive, but thinking to come 
 upon him again by stealth, as he made his circuit for 
 Norwood, he strode away across the allotments and 
 Fordham estate, and took up a position behind a shed 
 which stood on the confines of Mr. Timms' and Mr.
 
 MR. yORROCKS IN TROUBLE. 53 
 
 Cheatiim's properties. Here, having procured a rest 
 for his gun, he waited until Old Tom, who had tarried 
 to nip a few blades of green grass that came in his way, 
 made his appearance. Presently he came cantering 
 along the outside of the wood, at a careless, easy sort 
 of pace, betokening either perfect indifference for the 
 world's mischief, or utter contempt of cockney sports- 
 men altogether. 
 
 He was a melancholy, woe-begone-looking animal, 
 long and lean, with a slight inclination to gray on his 
 dingy old coat, one that looked as though he had sur- 
 vived his kindred and had already lived beyond his 
 day. Jorrocks, however, saw him differently, and his 
 eyes glistened as he came within range of his gun. A 
 well-timed shot ends poor Tom's miseries ! He springs 
 into the air, and with a melancholy scream rolls neck 
 over heels. Knowing that Pompey would infallibly 
 spoil him if he got up first, Jorrocks, without waiting 
 to load, was in the act of starting off to pick him up, 
 when, at the first step, he found himself in the grasp 
 of a Herculean monster, something between a coal- 
 heaver and a game-keeper, who had been secreted 
 behind the shed. Nosey Browne, who had been 
 watching his movements, holloaed out to Jorrocks to 
 ' hold hard/ who stood motionless, on the spot from 
 whence he fired, and Browne was speedily along-side 
 of him. ' You are on Squire Cheatum's estate,' said 
 the man ; ' and I have authority to take up all poachers 
 and persons found unlawfully trespassing ; what's 
 your name ? ' ' He's not on Cheatum's estate,' said 
 Browne. ' He is,' said the man. ' You're a liar,' said 
 Browne. ' You're another,' said the man. And so 
 they went on ; for when such gentlemen meet, compli- 
 ments pass current. At lengtli the keeper pulled out 
 a foot-rule, and keeping Jorrocks in the same position
 
 54 SURRE y SHOO TING : 
 
 he caught \\\m, he set-to to measure the distance of his 
 foot from the boundary, taking off in a Hne from the 
 shed ; when it certainly did appear that the length of 
 a big toe was across the mark, and putting up his 
 measure again, he insisted upon taking Jorrocks before 
 a magistrate for the trespass. Of course, no objection 
 could be made, and they all adjourned to Mr. Boreem's, 
 when the whole case was laid before him. To cut a 
 long matter short, — after hearing the pros and cons, 
 and referring to the act of parliament, his worship de- 
 cided that a trespass had been committed ; and though 
 it went against the grain to do so, he fined Jorrocks in 
 the mitigated penalty of one pound one. 
 
 This was a sad damper to our heroes, who returned 
 to the castle with their prog untouched and no great 
 appetite for dinner. Being only a family party, when 
 Mrs. B. retired the subject naturally turned upon the 
 morning's mishap, and at every glass of port Jorrocks 
 waxed more valiant, until he swore he would appeal 
 against the ' conwiction ; ' and remaining in the same 
 mind when he awoke the next morning, he took the 
 Temple in his way to St. Botolph-lane and had six- 
 and-eightpence worth with Mr. Capias the attorney, 
 who very judiciously argued each side of the question 
 without venturing an opinion, and proposed stating a 
 case for counsel to advise upon. 
 
 As usual, he gave one that would cut either way, 
 though if it had any tendency whatever it was to in- 
 duce Jorrocks to go on; and he not wanting much 
 persuasion, it will not surprise our readers to hear that 
 Jorrocks, Capias, and the Yorkshireman were seen a 
 few days after crossing Waterloo Bridge in a yellow 
 post-chaise, on their way to Croydon sessions. 
 
 After a ' guinea ' consultation at the Greyhound, 
 they adjourned to the court, which was excessively
 
 MR. JORROCKS IN TROUBLE. 55 
 
 crowded, Jorrocks being as popular with the farmers 
 and people as Cheatum was the reverse. Party feeling, 
 too, running rather high at the time, there had been a 
 strong ' whip ' among the magistrates to get a full attend- 
 ance to reverse Boreem's conviction, who had made 
 himself rather obnoxious on the blue interest at the 
 election. Of course they all came in new hats,* and 
 sat on the bench looking as wise as gentlemen judges 
 generally do. 
 
 One hundred and twenty-two affiliation cases (for 
 this was in the old poor law time) having been dis- 
 posed of, about one o'clock in the afternoon, the chair- 
 man, Mr. Tomkins of Tomkins, moved the order of 
 the day. He was a perfect prototype of a county 
 magistrate — with a bald powdered head covered by a 
 low-crowned, broad-brimmed hat, hair terminating be- 
 hind in a queue, resting on the ample collar of a snuff- 
 brown coat, with a large bay-window of a corporation, 
 with difficulty retained by the joint efforts of a buff 
 waistcoat, and the waistband of a pair of yellow 
 leather breeches. His countenance, which was solemn 
 and grave in the extreme, might either be indicative of 
 sense or what often serves in the place of wisdom — 
 when parties can only hold their tongues, — great 
 natural stupidity. From the judge's seat, which he 
 occupied in the centre of the bench, he observed, with 
 immense dignity : ' There is an appeal of Jorrocks 
 against Cheatum, which we, the bench of Magistrates 
 of our Lord the King, will take if the parties are 
 ready,' and immediately the court rang with ' Jorrocks 
 and Cheatum ! Jorrocks and Cheatum ! Mr. Capias, 
 attorney at law ! Mr. Capias answer to his name ! Mr. 
 Sharp, attorney at law ! Mr. Sharp's in the jury room. 
 
 * Magistrates always buy their hats about Session times, as they have 
 the privilege of keeping their hats on their blocks in court.
 
 56 SURRE Y SHOO TING : 
 
 — Then go fetch him directly,' from the ushers and 
 bailiffs of the court ; for though Tomkins of Tomkins 
 was slow himself, he insisted upon others being quick, 
 and was a great hand at prating about saving the time 
 of the suitors. At length the bustle of counsel 
 crossing the table, parties coming in and others leaving 
 court, bailiffs shouting, and ushers responding, gradually 
 subsided into a whisper of 'that's Jorrocks! that's 
 Cheatum ! ' as the belligerent parties took their places 
 by their respective counsel. Silence having been called 
 and procured, Mr. Smirk, a goodish-looking man for a 
 lawyer, having deliberately unfolded his brief, which his 
 clerk had scored plentifully in the margin, to make the 
 attorney believe he had read it very attentively, rose to 
 address the Court — a signal for half the magistrates to 
 pull their newspapers out of their pockets, and the other 
 half to settle themselves down for a nap, all the sport 
 being considered over when the affiliation cases 
 closed. 
 
 ' I have the honour to appear on behalf of Mr. 
 Jorrocks,' said Mr. Smirk, 'a gentleman of the very 
 highest consideration — a fox-hunter — a shooter — and a 
 grocer. In ordinary cases it might be necessary to 
 prove the party's claim to respectability, but in this in- 
 stance I feel myself relieved from any such obligation, 
 knowing, as I do, that there is no one in this court, no 
 one in these realms, — I might almost add, no one in 
 this world, — to whom the fame of my most respectable, 
 my most distinguished, and much injured client is un- 
 known. Not to know Jorrocks is indeed to areue 
 one-self unknown. 
 
 ' This is a case of no ordinary interest, and I ap- 
 proach it with a deep sense of its importance, conscious 
 of my inability to do justice to the subject, and lament- 
 ing that it has not been intrusted to abler hands. It is
 
 MR. JORROCKS IN TROUBLE. 57 
 
 a case involving the commercial and the sporting 
 character of a gentleman against whom the breath of 
 calumny has never yet been drawn — of a gentleman 
 who in all the relations of life, whether as a husband, 
 a fox-hunter, a shooter, or a grocer, has invariably pre- 
 served that character and reputation so valuable in 
 commercial life, so necessary in the sporting world, and 
 so indispensable to a man moving in general society. 
 Were I to look round London town in search of a 
 bright specimen of a man combining the upright, ster- 
 ling integrity of the honourable British merchant of 
 former days with the ardour of the English fox-hunter 
 of modern times, I would select my most respectable 
 client, Mr. Jorrocks. He is a man for youth to imitate 
 and revere ! Conceive, then, the horror of a man of 
 his delicate sensibility — of his nervous dread of depre- 
 ciation — being compelled to appear here this day to 
 vindicate his character, nay, more, his honour, from one 
 of the foulest attempts at conspiracy that was ever 
 directed against any individual. I say that a grosser 
 attack was never made upon the character of any 
 grocer, and I look confidently to the reversion of this 
 unjust, unprecedented conviction, and to the triumphant 
 victory of my most respectable and public- spirited 
 client. It is not for the sake of the few paltry shil- 
 lings that he appeals to this Court — it is not for the 
 sake of calling in question the power of the consti- 
 tuted authorities of this county — but it is for the vindi- 
 cation and preservation of a character dear to all men, 
 but doubly dear to a grocer, and which once lost can 
 never be regained. Look, I say, upon my client as he 
 sits below the witness-box, and say, if in that coun- 
 tenance there appears any indication of a lawless 
 or rebellious spirit : look, I say, if the milk of hu- 
 man kindness is not strikingly portrayed in every
 
 58 SURRE V SHOOTING : 
 
 feature, and truly may I exclaim in the words of the 
 poet — 
 
 " If to his share some trifling errors fall 
 Look in his face, and you'll forget them all." 
 
 I regret to be compelled to trespass upon the valuable 
 time of the Court ; but, sir, this appeal is based on a 
 trespass, and one good trespass deserves another.' 
 
 The learned gentleman then proceeded to detail the 
 proceedings of the day's shooting, and afterwards to 
 analyze the enactments of the New Game Bill, which 
 he denounced as arbitrary, oppressive, and ridiculous, 
 and concluded a long and energetic speech by calling 
 upon the Court to reverse the decision of the magistrate 
 and not support the preposterous position of fining a 
 man for a trespass committed by his toe. 
 
 After a few minutes had elapsed, Mr. Sergeant 
 Bumptious, a stiff, bull-headed little man, desperately 
 pitted with the small-pox, rose to reply, and looking 
 round the court, thus commenced : 
 
 ' Five-and-thirty years have I passed in Courts ot 
 Justice, but never, during a long and extensive prac- 
 tice, have I witnessed so gross a perversion of that 
 sublimest gift, called eloquence, as within the last hour,' 
 — here he banged his brief against the table, and 
 looked at Mr. Smirk, who smiled — ' I lament, sir, that 
 it has not been employed in a better cause — (bang 
 again — and another look). My learned friend has, in- 
 deed, laboured to make the worse appear the better 
 cause — to convert into a trifle one of the most out- 
 rageous acts that ever disQ^raced a human beine or a 
 civilized country. Well did he describe the importance 
 of this case !— important as regards his client's charac- 
 ter — important as regards this great and populous 
 county — important as regards those social ties by which 
 society is held together^important as regards a legis-
 
 MR. yORROCKS IN TROUBLE. 59 
 
 latlve enactment, and important as regards the well- 
 being and prosperity of the whole nation — (bang, bang, 
 bang). I admire the bombastic eloquence with which 
 my learned friend introduced his most distinguished 
 client — his most delicate-minded — sensitive client ! — 
 Truly, to hear him speaking, I should have thought 
 he had been describing a lovely, blushing young lady, 
 but when he comes to exhibit his paragon of perfection, 
 and points out that great, red-faced, coarse, vulgar- 
 looking, lubberly lump of humanity (here Bumptious 
 looked at Jorrocks as though he would eat him) sitting 
 below the witness-box, and seeks to enlist the sym- 
 pathies of your worships on the bench — oi y oil, gentle- 
 men, the high-minded, shrewd, penetrating judges of 
 this important cause (and Bumptious smiled and bowed 
 along the bench upon all whose eyes he could catch) on 
 behalf of such a monster of iniquity, it does make one 
 blush for the degradation of the British bar— (bang, 
 — bang — bang — Jorrocks here looked unutterable 
 things). Does my learned friend think by displaying 
 his hero as a fox-hunter, and extolling his prowess in 
 the field, to gain over the sporting magistrates on the 
 bench ? He knows little of the upright integrity — 
 the uncompromising honesty — the undeviating, inflex- 
 ible impartiality that pervades the breast of every 
 member of this tribunal, if he thinks for the sake of 
 gain, fear, favour, hope, or reward, to influence the 
 opinion, much less turn the judgment, of any one 
 of them.' (Here Bumptious bowed very low to 
 them all and laid his hand upon his heart. Tomkins 
 nodded approbation). ' Far, far be it from me to dwell 
 with unbecoming asperity on the conduct of any one — 
 we are all mortals — and alike liable to err ; — but when 
 I see a man who has been guilty of an act which has 
 brought him all but within the verge of the prisoners'
 
 6o 6' URRE V SHO O TING : 
 
 dock ; I say, when I see a man who has been guilty of 
 such an outrage on society as this ruffian Jorrocks, 
 come forward with the daring effrontery that he has 
 this day done, and claim redress where he himself is 
 the offender, it does create a feeling in my mind 
 divided between disgust and amazement' — (bang). 
 
 Here Jorrocks's cauldron boiled over, and rising 
 from his seat with an outstretched shoulder-of-mutton 
 fist, he bawled out, ' D — n you, sir, what do you mean ? ' 
 
 The Court was thrown into amazement, and even 
 Bumptious quailed before the fist of the mighty 
 Jorrocks. ' I claim the protection of the Court,' he 
 exclaimed. Mr. Tomkins interposed, and said he 
 should certainly order Mr. Jorrocks into custody if he 
 repeated his conduct, adding that it was ' most disre- 
 spectful to the justices of our Lord the King.' 
 
 Bumptious paused a little to gather breath and a 
 fresh volume of venom wherewith to annihilate 
 Jorrocks, and catching his eye, he transfixed him like 
 a rattlesnake, and again resumed. 
 
 ' How stands the case ? ' said he—' This cockney 
 grocer — for after all he is nothing else — who I dare 
 say scarcely knows a hawk from a hand-saw — leaves 
 his ficfs and raisins, and sets out on a maraudino- ex- 
 cursion into the county of Surjrey, and, regardless of 
 property — of boundaries — of laws — of liberties — of 
 life itself — strides over every man's land, letting drive 
 at whatever comes in his way ! The hare he shot on 
 this occasion was a pet hare !— For three successive 
 summers had Miss Cheatum watched and fed it with 
 all the interest and anxiety of a parent. I leave it to 
 you, gentlemen, who have daughters of your own, 
 with pets also, to picture to yourselves the agony of 
 her mind in finding that her favourite had found its 
 way down the throat of that great guzzling, gorman-
 
 MR. JO FROCKS IN TROUBLE. 6i 
 
 dizing, cockney cormorant ; and then, forsooth, because 
 he is fined for the outrageous trespass, he comes here 
 as the injured party, and instructs his counsel to in- 
 dulo^e in BilhnorsQrate abuse that would disg^race the 
 mouth of an Old Bailey practitioner ! I regret that in- 
 stead of the insignificant fine imposed upon him, the 
 law did not empower the worthy magistrate to send 
 him to the treadmill, there to recreate himself for six 
 or eight months, as a warning to the whole fraternity 
 of lawless vagabonds.' Here he nodded his head at 
 Jorrocks, as much as to say — ' I'll troitnce you, my 
 boy ! ' He then produced maps and plans of the 
 different estates, and a model of the shed, to show how 
 it had all happened, and after going through the case 
 in such a strain as would induce one to believe it was 
 a trial for murder or high treason, concluded as 
 follows : 
 
 ' The eyes of England are upon us — -reverse this 
 conviction, and you let loose a rebel band upon the 
 country, ripe for treason, stratagem, or spoil — you 
 overturn the finest order of society in the world ; 
 henceforth no man's property will be safe, the laws 
 will be disregarded, and even the upright, talented, 
 and independent magistracy of England brought into 
 contempt. But I feel convinced that your decision 
 will be far otherwise — that by it you will teach these 
 hot-headed — rebellious — radical grocers that they 
 cannot offend with impunity, and show them that 
 there is a law which reaches even the lowest and 
 meanest inhabitant of these realms, that amid these 
 days of anarchy and innovation you will support the 
 laws and aristocracy of this country, that you will pre- 
 serve to our children, and our children's children, those 
 rights and blessings which a great and enlightened 
 administration have conferred upon ourselves, and
 
 62 SURRE V SHO TING : 
 
 raise for Tomkins of Tomkins and the magistracy of 
 the proud county of Surrey, a name resplendent in 
 modern times and venerated to all eternity.' 
 
 Here Bumptious cast a parting frown at Jorrocks, 
 and banging down his brief, tucked his gown under 
 his arm, turned on his heel and left the court, to in- 
 dulge in a glass of pale sherry and a sandwich, regard- 
 less which way the verdict went, so long as he had 
 eiven him a eood quiltinof. The silence that followed 
 had the effect of rousing some of the dozing justices, 
 who nudging those who had fallen asleep, they all 
 beean to stir themselves, and havina laid their heads 
 together, during which time they settled the dinner 
 hour for that day, and the meets of the stag-hounds 
 for the next fortnight, they began to talk of the matter 
 before the Court. 
 
 ' I vote for reversing,' said Squire Jolthead, 
 * Jorrocks is such a capital fellow.' ' I must support 
 Boreem,' said Squire Hicks, 'he gave me a turn when 
 I made the mistaken commitment of Gipsey Jack.' 
 ' What do you say, Mr. Giles ? ' inquired Mr. 
 Tomkins. ' Oh, anything yoit like, Mr. Tomkins.' 
 ' And you, jNIr. Hopper ? ' who had been asleep all the 
 time. ' Oh ! guilty, I should say — three months at 
 the treadmill — privately whipped, if you like,' was the 
 reply. Mr. Petty always voted on whichever side 
 Bumptious was counsel — the learned sergeant having 
 married his sister, — and four others always followed 
 the chair. 
 
 Tomkins then turned round, the magistrates re- 
 sumed their seats along the bench, and coming forward 
 he stood before the judge's chair, and taking off his 
 hat with solemn dignity and precision, laid it down 
 exactly in the centre of the desk, amid cries from the 
 bailiffs and ushers for ' Silence, while the Justices of
 
 MR. JORROCKS IN TROUBLE. 63 
 
 the Peace of our Sovereign Lord the King, deHver 
 the judgment of the Court.' 
 
 * The appellant in this case,' said Mr. Tomkins, very 
 slowly, ' seeks to set aside a conviction for trespass, on 
 the ground, as I understand, of his not having com- 
 mitted one. The principal points of the case are 
 admitted, as also the fact of Mr. Jorrocks's toe, or a 
 part of his toe, having intruded upon the respondent's 
 estate. Now, as far as that point is concerned, it 
 seems clear to myself and to my brother magistrates, 
 that it mattereth not how much or how little of the 
 toe was upon the land, so long as any part thereof was 
 there. '' De minimis non carat lex'' — the EnHish of 
 which is, " the law taketh no cognizance of fractions " 
 — is a maxim among the salaried judges of the inferior 
 courts in Westminster Hall, which we, the unpaid, the 
 in-cor-rup-ti-ble magistrates of the proud county of 
 Surrey, have adopted in the very deep and mature 
 deliberation that preceded the formation of our most 
 solemn judgment. In the present great and important 
 case, we, the unpaid magistrates of our Sovereign 
 Lord the King, do not consider it necessary that there 
 should be " a toe, a whole toe, and nothing but a toe," 
 to constitute a trespass, any more than it would be 
 necessary in the case of an assault to prove that the 
 kick was given by the foot, the whole foot, and 
 nothing but the foot. If any part of the toe was 
 there, the law considers that it was there in to-io. 
 Upon this doctrine, it is clear that Mr. Jorrocks was 
 guilty of a trespass, and the conviction must be 
 affirmed. Before I dismiss the case I must say a few 
 words on the statute under which this decision takes 
 place. 
 
 * This is the first conviction that has taken place 
 since the passing of the Act, and will serve as a pre-
 
 64 SURRE V SNO O TING. 
 
 cedent throughout all England. I congratulate the 
 country upon the efficacy of the tribunal to which it 
 has been submitted. The Court has listened with 
 great and becoming attention to the arguments of the 
 counsel on both sides : and though one gentleman, 
 with a flippant ignorance, has denounced this new law 
 as inferior to the pre-existing system, and a curse to 
 the country, we, the Magistrates of the proud county 
 of Surrey, must enter our protest against such a 
 doctrine being promulgated. Peradventure, you are 
 all acquainted with my prowess as a shooter ; I won 
 two silver tankards at the Red House, Anno Domini, 
 1815. I mention this to show that I am a practical 
 sportsman, and as to the theory of the Game Laws, I 
 derive my information from the sam.e source that you 
 may all derive yours — from the bright refulgent pages 
 of the New Sporting Magazine ! '
 
 No. IV. 
 
 MR. JORROCKS AND THE 
 SURREY STAG-HOUNDS. 
 
 The Surrey fox-hounds had closed their season — a 
 most brilliant one— but ere Mr. Jorrocks consigned his 
 boots and breeches to their summer slumber, he be- 
 thought of having a look at the Surrey stag-hounds, a 
 pack now numbered among the things that were. 
 
 Of course he required a companion, were it only to 
 have some one to criticise the hounds with, so the 
 evening before the appointed day, as the Yorkshire- 
 man was sitting in his old corner at the far end of the 
 Piazza Coffee-room in Covent-garden, having just 
 finished his second marrow-bone, and elass of white 
 brandy, George — the only waiter in the room with a 
 name — came smirking up with a card in his hand, say- 
 ing, that the gentleman was waiting outside to speak 
 with him. It was a printed one, but the large round 
 hand in which the address had been filled up, encroach- 
 ing upon the letters, had made the name somewhat 
 difficult to decipher. At length he puzzled out ' Mr. 
 John Jorrocks — Coram-street ; ' the name of the city- 
 house or shop, in the corner ( No. — , St. Botolph's-lane), 
 being struck through with a pen. * Oh, ask him to 
 walk in directly,' said the Yorkshireman to George, 
 who trotted off ; and presently the flapping of the doors 
 in the passage announced his approach, and honest 
 Jorrocks came rolling up the room — not like a fox- 
 
 F
 
 66 ^fR. 7ORROCKS AND 
 
 hunter, or any other sort of hunter, but like an honest 
 wholesale grocer, fresh from the city. 
 
 ' ]My dear fellow, I'm so glad to see you, you can't 
 think ,' said he, advancing with both hands out, and 
 hucro-incr the Yorkshireman after the manner of a Polar 
 bear. ' I have not time to stay one moment ; I have to 
 meet Mr. Wiggins at the corner of Bloomsbury-square 
 at a quarter to six, and it wants now only seven 
 minutes to,' casting his eye up at the clock over the 
 side-board. — * I have just called to say that as you are 
 fond of hunting, and all that sort of thing — if you have 
 a mind for a day with the stag-hounds to-morrow, I 
 will mount you same as before, and all that sort of 
 thing — you understand, eh ? ' * Thank you, my good 
 friend,' said the Yorkshireman ; ' I have nothing to do 
 to-morrow, and am your man for a stag-hunt.' ' That's 
 right, my good fellow,' said Jorrocks ; 'then, I'll tell you 
 what to do — come and breakfast with me in Great 
 Coram-street, at half-past seven to a minute. I've got 
 one of the first 'ams (hams) you ever clapt eyes on in 
 the whole course of your memorable existence. — Saw 
 the hog alive myself — sixteen score within a pound ; 
 must come — know you like a fork breakfast — dejeime a 
 la faiichette, as we say in France, eh } Like my Lord 
 Mayor's fool, I guess, love what's good : well, all right 
 too — so come without any ceremony — us fox-hunters 
 hates ceremony — where there's ceremony there's no 
 friendship. — Stay ; I had almost forgotten,' added he, 
 checking himself as he w^as on the point of departure. 
 ' When you come, ring the area bell, and then Mrs. J. 
 won't hear ; know you don't like Mrs. J. no more than 
 myself.' 
 
 At the appointed hour the Yorkshireman reached 
 Great Coram-street, just as old Jorrocks had opened 
 the door to look down the street for him. He was
 
 THE SURRE Y STA G-HO UNDS. 67 
 
 dressed in a fine-flowing, olive-green frock (made like 
 a dressing-gown), with a black velvet collar, having a 
 gold embroidered stag on each side, gilt stag buttons, 
 with rich embossed edges ; an acre of buff waistcoat, 
 and a most antediluvian pair of bright yellow-ochre 
 buckskins, made by White, of Toporley, in the twenty- 
 first year of the reign of George the Third ; they were 
 double-lashed, back-stitched, front-stitched, middle- 
 stitched, and patched at both knees, with a slit up 
 behind. The coat he had won in a bet, and the 
 breeches in a raffle, the latter being second or third 
 hand. His boots were airing before the fire, con- 
 sequently he displayed an amplitude of calf in gray 
 worsted stockinofs, while his feet were thrust into o-reen 
 slippers. ' So glad to see you ! ' said he ; ' here's a 
 charming morning, indeed — regular southerly wind and 
 a cloudy sky — rare scenting it will be — think I could 
 almost run a stag myself Come in — never mind your 
 hat, hang it anywhere, but don't make a noise. I stole 
 away and left Mrs J. snoring, so won't do to awake her, 
 you know. By the way, you should see my hat ; — 
 \iatsQy, /click my hat out of the back parlour. I've set 
 up a new green silk cord, with a gold frog to fasten it 
 to my button-hole — werry illigant, I think, and werry 
 suitable to the dress — quite my own idea — have a 
 notion all the Surrey chaps will get them ; for, between 
 you and me, I set the fashions, and what is more, I 
 set them at a leap too. But now tell me, have you no 
 objection to breakfasting in the kitchen ? — more retired, 
 you know, besides which you get everything hot and 
 hot, which is what I call doing a bit of pksure.' ' Not 
 at all,' said the Yorkshireman, ' so lead the way ; ' and 
 down they walked to the lower regions. 
 
 It was a nice, comfortable-looking place, with a 
 blazing fire, half the floor covered with an old oil -cloth,
 
 68 MR. JORROCKS AND 
 
 and the rest exhibiting the cheerless aspect of the naked 
 flags. About a yard and a half from the fire was 
 placed the breakfast-table; in the centre stood a 
 magnificent uncut ham, with a great quartern loaf on 
 one side, a huge Bologna sausage on the other ; besides 
 these there were nine eggs, two pyramids of muffins, a 
 great deal of toast, a dozen ship-biscuits, and half a 
 pork-pie, while a dozen kidneys were spluttering on a 
 spit before the fire, and Betsey held a gridiron covered 
 with mutton-chops on the top ; altogether there was as 
 much as would have served ten people. ' Now sit 
 down,' said Jorrocks, 'and let us be doing, ^c^r I am as 
 hungry as a hunter. Hope you are peckish too ; what 
 shall I give you ? tea or coffee ? — but take both — coffee 
 first and tea after a bit. If /can't give you them good, 
 don't know who can. You must pay your devours, as 
 we say in France, to the 'am, for it is an especial fine 
 one, and do take a few eggs with it; there, I've not given 
 you above a pound of 'am, but you can come again, 
 you know — " waste not want not." Now take some 
 muffins, do, pray. Betsey, bring some more cream, 
 and set the kidneys on the table, the Yorkshireman is 
 getting nothing to eat. Have a chop with your kidney, 
 werry luxterous — I could eat an elephant stuffed with 
 grenadiers, and wash them down with a ocean of tea ; 
 but pray lay in to the breakfast, or I shall think you 
 don't like it. There, now take some tea and toast, or one 
 of those biscuits, or whatever you like ; would a little 
 more 'am be agreeable ? Betsey, run into the larder 
 and see if your Missis left any of that cold chine of 
 pork last night — and hear, bring the cold goose, and 
 any cold flesh you can lay hands on ; there are really 
 no wittles on the table. I am quite ashamed to set 
 you down to such a scanty fork breakfast ; but this is 
 what comes of not being master of your own house.
 
 THE S URRE Y STA C-HO UNDS. 69 
 
 Hope your hat may long cover your family : rely upon 
 it, it is "cheaper to buy your bacon than to keep a pig." ' 
 Just as Jorrocks uttered these last words, the side door 
 opened, and without either ' with your leave or by your 
 leave,' in bounced Mrs. Jorrocks in an elegant disha- 
 bille (or ' dish of veal,' as Jorrocks pronounced it), with 
 her hair tucked up in papers, and a pair of worsted 
 slippers on her feet, worked with roses and blue lilies. 
 
 * Pray, Mister J.,' said she, taking no more notice of 
 the Yorkshireman than if he had been enveloped in 
 Jack the Giant-killer's coat of darkness, ' what is the 
 meaning of this card ? I found it in your best coat 
 pocket, which you had on last night, and I do desire, 
 sir, that you will tell me how it came there. Good- 
 morning, sir (spying the Yorkshireman at last), 
 perhaps jK^2({ know where Mr. Jorrocks was last night, 
 and perhaps j)'<92^ can tell me who this person is whose 
 card I have found in the corner of Mr, Jorrocks's best 
 coat pocket ? ' ' Indeed, madam,' replied the York- 
 shireman, * Mr. Jorrocks's movements of yesterday 
 evening are quite a secret to me. It is the night that 
 he usually spends at the Magpie and Stump, but 
 whether he was there or not I cannot pretend to say, 
 not being a member of the free and easy club. As 
 for the card, madam — ' ' There, then, take it and 
 read it,' interrupted Mrs. J. ; and he took the card 
 accordingly — a delicate pale pink, with blue borders 
 and gilt edge — and read^ — we would fain put it all in 
 dashes and asterisks — ' Miss Juliana Granville, John- 
 street, Waterloo-road.' 
 
 This digression giving Mr. Jorrocks a moment or 
 two to recollect himself, he pretended to get into a 
 thundering passion, and seizing the card out of the 
 Yorkshireman's hand, he thrust it into the fire, swear- 
 ing it was an application for admission into the Deaf
 
 70 MR. yORROCKS AND 
 
 and Dumb Institution, where he wished he had Mrs. 
 J. The Yorkshireman, seeing the probabiHty of a 
 breeze, pretended to have forgotten something at the 
 Piazza, and stole away, begging Jorrocks to pick him 
 up as he passed. Peace had soon been restored ; for 
 the Yorkshireman had not taken above three or four 
 turns up and down the Coffee-room, ere George the 
 waiter came to say that a gentleman waited outside. 
 Putting on his hat and taking a coat over his arm, he 
 turned out ; when just before the door he saw a man 
 muffled up in a great military cloak, and a glazed hat, 
 endeavouring to back a nondescript double-bodied 
 carriage (with lofty mail box-seats and red wheels) 
 close to the pavement. ' Wlio-ay, wJio-ay' said he, 
 ' zuho-ay, who-ay, horse ! ' at the same time jerking at 
 his mouth. As the Yorkshireman made his exit, a 
 pair of eyes gleamed through the small aperture 
 between the high cloak collar and the flipe of the 
 glazed hat, which he instantly recognized to belong to 
 Jorrocks. ' Why, what the deuce is this you are in ?' 
 said he, looking at the vehicle. 'Jump up,' said 
 Jorrocks, 'and I'll tell you all about it,' which having 
 done, and the machine being set in motion, he pro- 
 ceeded to relate the manner in which he had ex- 
 changed his cruelty-van for it — by the way, as arrant 
 a bone-setter as ever unfortunate got into, but which 
 he, with the predilection all men have for their own, 
 pronounced to be a ' monstrous nice carriage.' On 
 their turning off the rough pavement on to the quiet, 
 smooth Macadamized road leading to Waterloo Bridge, 
 his dissertation was interrupted b)^ a loud horse-laugh 
 raised by two or three toll-takers and boys lounging 
 about the gate. 
 
 ' I say, Tom, twig this 'ere machine,' said one. 
 ' Dash my buttons, I never seed such a thing in all
 
 THE SURREY STAG-HOUNDS. 71 
 
 my life.' 'What's to pay ?' inquired Jorrocks, pulling 
 u]D with great dignity, their observations not having 
 penetrated the cloak collar which encircled his ears. 
 ' To pay ! ' said the toll-taker — ' vy, vot do ye call your 
 consarn ? ' ' Why, a phaeton,' said Jorrocks. ' My 
 eyes ! that's a good un,' said another. ' I say, Jim — he 
 calls this 'ere thing a phe-a-ton ! ' 'A phe-a-ton ! — 
 vy, it's more like a fire-engine,' said Jim. * Don't be 
 impertinent,' said Jorrocks, who had pulled down his 
 collar to hear what he had to pay — ' but tell me what's 
 to pay ? ' ' Vy, it's a phe-a-ton drawn by von or 
 more 'orses,' said the toll-taker : ' and containing von 
 or more asses,' said Tom. * Sixpence-halfpenny, sir.' 
 ' You are a saucy fellow,' said Jorrocks. ' Thank ye, 
 master, you're another,' said the toll-keeper ; ' and 
 now that you have had your say, vot do you ax for 
 your mouth ? ' 'I say, sir, do you belong to the 
 Phoenix? Vy don't you show your badge?' 'I say, 
 Tom, that 'ere fire-engine has been painted by some 
 house-painter, it's never been in the hands of no coach- 
 maker. Do you shave by that 'ere glazed castor of 
 yours?' T'm blowed if I wouldn't get you a shilling 
 a-week to shove your face in sand, to make moulds for 
 brass knockers.' ' Ay, get away ! — make haste, or the 
 fire will be out,' bawled out another, as Jorrocks 
 whipped on, and rattled out of hearing. 
 
 ' Now, you see,' said he, resuming the thread of his 
 discourse, as if nothing had happened, * this back seat 
 turns down and makes a box, so that when Mrs. J. 
 goes to her mother's at Tooting, she can take all her 
 things with her, instead of sending half of them by the 
 coach, as she used to do ; and if we are heavy, there is 
 a pole belonging to it, so that we can have two horses; 
 and then there is a seat draws out here (pulling a stool 
 from beneath his legs) which anybody can sit on.
 
 73 MR. JORROCKS AND 
 
 ' Yes, anybody that is small enough,' said the York- 
 shireman, ' but you would cut a queer figure on it, I 
 reckon.' The truth was, that the ' fire-engine' was one 
 of those useless affairs built by some fool upon a plan 
 of his own, with the idea of combining every possible 
 comfort and advantage, and in reality not possessing 
 one. Friend Jorrocks had seen it at a second-hand 
 shop in Fore-street, and became the happy owner of 
 it, in exchange for the cruelty-van, and seventeen 
 pounds. Their appearance on the road created no 
 small sensation, and many were the jokes passed upon 
 the 'fire-engine.' One said they were mountebanks; 
 another that it was a horse-break; a third asked if it 
 was one of Gurney's steam carriages ; while a fourth 
 swore it was a new convict-cart eoinor to Brixton, 
 Jorrocks either did not or would not hear their 
 remarks, and kept expatiating upon the different pur- 
 poses to which tlie machine might be converted, and 
 the stoutness of the horse that was drawing it. 
 
 As they approached the town of Croydon, he turned 
 his cloak over his legs in a very workman-like manner, 
 and was instantly hailed by some brother sportsmen; 
 — one complimented him on his looks, another on his 
 breeches, a third praised his horse, a fourth abused the 
 fire-engine, and a fifth inquired where he got his glazed 
 hat. He had an answer for them all, and a nod or a 
 wink for every pretty maid that showed at the 
 window^s ; for though past the grand climacteric, he still 
 has a spice of the devil in him — and, as he says, ' there 
 is no harm in looking.' The Red Lion at Smitham 
 Bottom was the rendezvous of the day. It is a small 
 inn on the Brighton road, some three or four miles 
 below Croydon. On the left of the road stands the 
 inn, on the right is a small training ground, and the 
 country about is open common and down. There was

 
 THE SURREY STAG-HOUNDS. 
 
 an immense muster about the inn, and also on the 
 training ground, consisting of horsemen, gig-men, 
 postchaise-men, footmen, — Jorrocks and the York- 
 shireman made the firemen. 
 
 ' Here's old Jorrocks, I do declare,' exclaimed one, 
 as Jorrocks drove the fire-engine up at as quick a pace 
 as his horse would go. ' Why, what a concern he's in,' 
 said another, — 'why, the old man's mad, surely.' — 
 ' He's good for a subscription,' added another, address- 
 ing him ; ' I say, Jorrocks old boy, you'll give us ten 
 pound for our hounds, won't you ? — that's a good old 
 fellow.' ' Oh yes, Jorrocks promised us a subscription 
 last year,' observed another, ' and he is a man of his 
 word — aren't you, old leather-breeches ?' '7V<9, gentle- 
 men,' said Jorrocks, standing up in the fire-engine, and 
 sticking the whip into its nest, ' I really can not — I wish 
 I could, but I really can not afford it. Times really 
 are so bad, and I have my ow7i pack to subscribe to, 
 and I must be "just before I am generous.'" ' Oh, but 
 ten pounds is nothing in your way, you know, Jorrocks ; 
 
 adulterate a chest of tea. Old here will give you 
 
 all the leaves off his ash-trees.' ' No,' said Jorrocks, 
 * I really can not — ten pounds is ten pounds, and I must 
 cut my coat according to my cloth.' ' By Jove, but 
 you must have had plenty of cloth when you cut 
 that coat you've got on, old boy. Why, there's 
 as much cloth in the laps as would make a pair of 
 horse-sheets.' ' Never mind,' said Jorrocks, * /wear it, 
 and not you. Now,' said Jorrocks in an under-tone 
 to the Yorkshireman, 'you see what an unconscionable 
 set of dogs these stag-'unters are. They're at every 
 man for a subscription, and talk about guineas as if 
 they grew upon gooseberry bushes. Besides, they 
 are such a rubbishing set — all drafts from the fox- 
 'ounds. — Now there's a chap on a pye-bald just by the
 
 74 MR. JORROCKS AND 
 
 l-j-ees, — he goes into the Gazette reglarly once in three 
 years, and yet to see him out, you'd fancy all the 
 country round belonged to him. And there's a buck 
 with his bearing-rein so tight that he can hardly move 
 his neck,' pointing to a gentleman in scarlet with a 
 tremendous stiff blue cravat, — ' he lives by keeping a 
 madhouse, and being a werry high, consequential sort 
 of cock, they calls him the " Lord High Keeper ! " I'll 
 tell ye a joke about that fellow,' said he, pointing to a 
 man alighting from a red-wheeled buggy — ' hes a 
 werry shabby screw, and is always trying to save a 
 penny. — Well, he hires a young half-witted hawbuck 
 for a servant, who didn't clean his boots to his liking, 
 so he began reading the riot act one day, and con- 
 cluded by saying, "I'm blowed if I couldn't clean them 
 better myself with a little pump water." — The next 
 day, up came the boots duller than ever — " Bless my 
 soul," exclaimed he, "why, they are worse than before ; 
 how's this, sir ? " — " Please, sir, you said 3^ou could 
 clean them better with a little pump water, so I tried 
 it, and I do think they are worse ! " Haw ! haw ! 
 haw! — Yon chap in the black plush breeches and Hes- 
 sians, standing by the ginger-pop tray, is the only man 
 what ever got the better of me in the 'oss-dealing line, 
 and he certain//^ did bite me uncommon 'andsomely. 
 I gave him three-and-twenty pounds, a strong violin 
 case with patent hinges, lined with superfine green 
 baize, and an uncut copy of Middleton's Cicero, for an 
 'oss that the blacksmith really declared wasn't worth 
 shoeing. — Howsomever, I paid him off, for I christened 
 the 'oss Barabbas — who, you knows, was a robber — and 
 the seller has gone by the name of Barabbas ever since.' 
 ' Well, but tell me, gentlemen, where do we dine ? ' 
 inquired Jorrocks, turning to a group who had just ap- 
 proached the fire-engine. ' We don't know yet,' said a
 
 THE SURRE Y STA G-HO UNDS. 75 
 
 gentleman In scarlet, ' the deer has not come yet ; but 
 yonder he is,' pointing up the road to a covered cart, 
 ' and there are the hounds just coming over the hill at 
 the back.' The covered cart approached, and several 
 went to meet it. The cry of ' Oh, it's old Tunbridge,' 
 was soon heard. ' Well, we shall have a good dinner,' 
 said Jorrocks, ' if that is the case.' ' Is it Tunbridge ?' 
 inquired he, eagerly, of one of the party who returned 
 from the deer-cart. ' Yes, it's old Tunbridge, and 
 Snooks has ordered dinner at the Wells for sixteen at 
 five o'clock, so the first sixteen that get there had 
 better look out.' ' Here, buoy,' said Jorrocks in an 
 undertone to his servant, who was leading his screws 
 about on the green, * take this 'oss out of the carriage, 
 and give him a feed of corn, and then go on to Tun- 
 bridge Wells, and tell Mr. Pegg, at the Sussex Arms, 
 that I shall be there with a friend to the dinner, and 
 bid him write " Jorrocks " upon two plates and place 
 them together. — Nothing like making sure,' said he, 
 chucklinof at his own acuteness. 
 
 ' Now to 'orse — to 'orse !' exclaimed he, suiting the 
 action to the word, and climbing on to his great chest- 
 nut, leaving the Yorkshireman to mount the rat-tail 
 brown. ' Let's have a look at the 'ounds,' turning his 
 horse in the direction in which they were coming. 
 Jonathan Griffin* took off his cap to Jorrocks, as he 
 approached, who waved his hand in the most patroniz- 
 ing manner possible, adding, 'How are you, Jonathan?' 
 
 ' Pretty well, thank you. Mister Jorrocks, hope you're 
 the same.' ' No, iioi the same, for I'm werry well, 
 
 * Poor Jonathan, one of the hardest riders and drinkers of his day^ 
 exists, hke his pack, but in the recollection of mankind. He was long hunts- 
 man to the late Lord Derby, who, when he gave up his stag-hounds, made 
 Jonathan a present of them, and for two or three seasons he scratched on 
 in an indifferent sort of way, until the hounds were sold to go abroad— to 
 Hungary, we believe.
 
 76 MR. JORROCKS AND 
 
 which makes all the difference — haw ! haw ! haw ! 
 haw ! You seem to have but a shortish pack, I think 
 — ten, twelve, fourteen couple — 'ows that ? We 
 always take nine-and-twenty with the Surrey.' 'Why, 
 you see. Mister Jorrocks, stag-hunting and fox-hunting 
 are very different. The scent of the deer is very 
 ravishing, and then we have no drawing for our game. 
 Besides, at this season, there are always bitches to put 
 back, — but we have plenty of hounds for sport. — I 
 suppose we may be after turning out,' added Jonathan, 
 looking at his watch — * it's past eleven.' 
 
 On hearing this, a gentleman off with his glove and 
 began collecting, or capping, prior to turning out — it 
 being the rule of the hunt to make sure of the money 
 before starting, for fear of accidents. ' Half a crown, if 
 you please, sir.' 'Now I'll take your half a crown. 
 ' Mr. Jorrocks, shall I trouble you for half a crown ? ' 
 ' Oh, surely,' said Jorrocks, pulling out a handful of 
 great five-shilling pieces, ' here's for this gentleman 
 and myself,' handing one of them over, ' and I shan't 
 even ask you for discount for ready money.' The 
 capping went round, and a goodly sum was collected. 
 Meanwhile the deer-cart was drawn to the far side of a 
 thick fence, and the door being opened, a lubberly- 
 looking animal, as big as a donkey, blobbed out, and 
 began feeding very composedly. 'That won't do,' said 
 Jonathan Griffin, eyeing him — ' ride on, Tom, and whip 
 him away.' Off went the whip, followed by a score of 
 sportsmen, whose shouts, aided by the cracking of 
 their whips, would have frightened the devil himself ; 
 and these worthies, knowing the hounds would catch 
 them up in due time, resolved themselves into a hunt 
 for the present, and pursued the animal themselves. 
 Ten minutes having expired, and the hounds seeming 
 likely to break away, Jonathan thought it advisable to
 
 THE SURRE Y STA G-HO UNDS. 77 
 
 let them have their wicked will, and accordingly they 
 rushed off in full cry to the spot where the deer had 
 been uncarted. Of course there was no trouble in 
 casting for the scent, indeed they were very honest, 
 and did not pretend to any mystery ; the hounds knew 
 within an inch where it would be, and the start was 
 pretty much like that for a hunter's plate in four-mile 
 heats, A few dashing blades rode before the hounds 
 at starting, but otherwise the field was considerably 
 diminished after the first three leaps. The scent 
 improved, as did the pace, and presently they got into 
 a lane along which they rattled for five miles as hard 
 as ever they could lay legs to the ground, throwing 
 the mud into each other's faces, until each man looked 
 as if he was rough-cast. A Kentish waggon, drawn by 
 six oxen, taking up the whole of the lane, had obliged 
 the dear animal to take to the fields again, where at the 
 first fence most of our high-mettled racers stood still. 
 In truth, it was rather a nasty place, a yawning ditch, 
 with a mud bank, and a rotten landing. ' Now, who's 
 for it ? Go it, Jorrocks, you're a fox-hunter,' said one, 
 who, erecting himself in his stirrups, was ogling the 
 opposite side. * I don't like it,' said Jorrocks, — ' is 
 never a gate near ? ' ' Oh yes, at the bottom of the 
 field,' and away they all tore for it. The hounds now 
 had got out of sight, but were heard running in cover 
 at the bottom of the turnip-field into which they had 
 just passed, and also the clattering of horses' hoofs on 
 the highway. The hounds came out several times on 
 to the road, evidently carrying the scent, but as often 
 threw up and returned into the cover. The hunts- 
 man was puzzled at last ; and, quite convinced that the 
 deer was not in the wood, he called them out, and 
 proceeded to make a cast, followed by the majority of 
 the field. They trotted about at a brisk pace, first to 
 the right, then to the left, afterwards to the north, and
 
 78 MR. yORROCKS AND 
 
 then to the south, over grass, fallow, turnips, potatoes, 
 and flints, through three farmyards, round two horse- 
 ponds, and at the back of a small village or hamlet, 
 without a note, save those of a few babblers. Every 
 one seemed to consider it a desperate job. They were 
 all puzzled ; at last they heard a terrible holloaing 
 about a quarter of a mile to the south, and immediately 
 after was espied a group of horsemen, galloping along 
 the road at full speed, in the centre of which was 
 Jorrocks; his green coat wide open, with the tails flying 
 a long way behind that of his horse, his right leg 
 was thrust out, down the side of which he kept apply- 
 ing his ponderous hunting whip, making a most 
 terrible clatter. As they approached, he singled him- 
 self out from the group, and was the first to reach the 
 field. He immediately burst out into one of his usual 
 hunting energetic strains. ' Oh, Jonathan Griffin ! 
 Jonathan Grifiin ! ' said he, * here's a lamentable 
 occurrence — a terrible disaster ! Oh dear, oh dear — we 
 shall never oret to Tunbridofe — that unfortunate deer 
 has escaped us, and we shall never see nothing more 
 of him — rely upon it, he's killed before this.' ' Why, 
 how's that ? ' inquired Griffin, evidently in a terrible 
 perturbation. ' Why,' said Jorrocks, slapping the whip 
 down his leg again, ' there's a little girl tells me, that 
 as she was getting water at the well just at the end of 
 the wood, where we lost him, she saw what she 
 took to be a donkey jump into a return post-chaise 
 from the Bell, at Seven Oaks, that was passing along 
 the road with the door swinging wide open ! and you 
 may rely upon it, it was the deer. The landlord of 
 the Bell will have cut his throat before this, for, you 
 know, he wowed wengeance against us last year, 
 because his wife's pony-chaise was upset, and he swore 
 that we did it.' ' Oh, but that's a bad job,' said the 
 huntsman ; ' what shall we do ? ' ' Here, Tom,"
 
 THE S URRE Y STA G-HO UNDS. 79 
 
 calling to the whipper-in, ' jump on to the Hastings 
 coach (which just came up), and try if you can't over- 
 take him, and bring him back, chaise and all, and I'll 
 follow slowly with the hounds. Tom was soon up, the 
 coach bowled on, and Jonathan and the hounds trotted 
 gently forward till they came to a public-house. Here, 
 as they stopped lamenting over their unhappy fate, 
 and consoling themselves with some cold sherry negus, 
 the post-chaise appeared In sight, with the deer's head 
 sticking out of the side window with all the dignity of 
 a Lord Mayor. 'Huzza! huzza! huzza!' exclaimed 
 Jorrocks, taking off his hat, 'here's old Tunbridge come 
 again, huzza ! huzza ! ' ' But who's to pay me for the po- 
 chay,' said the driver, pulling up ; * I must be paid before 
 I let him out' ' How much ?' says Jonathan. 'Why, 
 eighteen-pence a mile, to be sure, and three-pence a mile 
 to the driver.' 'No,' says Jorrocks, 'that won't do, yours is 
 a return chay ; however, here's five shillings for you, and 
 now, Jonathan, turn him out again — he's quite freshafter 
 his ride — and see, he's got some straw in the bottom. 
 
 Old Tunbridge was again turned out, with his head 
 towards the town from whence he took his name, and 
 after a quarter of an hour's law, the pack was again laid 
 on. He was not, however, in very good wind, and it 
 was necessary to divide the second chase into two heats, 
 for which purpose the hounds were whipped off about 
 the middle, while the deer took a cold bath, after which 
 he was again set agoing. By half-past three they had 
 accomplished the run ; and Mr. Pegg, of the Sussex 
 Arms, having mounted his Pegasus, found them at the 
 appointed place by the Medway, where old Tunbridge's 
 carriage was waiting, into which having handed him, 
 they repaired to the inn, and at five o'clock eighteen of 
 them sat down to a dinner consisting ' of every delicac) 
 of the season ; ' the Lord High Keeper in the chair.
 
 8o MR. yORROCKS AND 
 
 Being all ' hungry as hunters,' little conversation 
 passed until after the removal of the cloth. After the 
 Kino- and his Majesty's Ministers had been drunk, the 
 President gave, ' The noble, manly sport of stag-hunt- 
 ino" ' which he eulosfized as the most lesfitimate and ex- 
 hilarating of all sports, and sketched its progress from 
 its wild state of infancy, when the unhappy sportsmen 
 had to range the fields and forests for their uncertain 
 game, to the present state of luxurious ease and elabo- 
 rate refinement, w^hen they not only brought their deer 
 to the meet, but by selecting the proper animal, could 
 insure a finish at any place they most wished to dine at, 
 — all of which was most enthusiastically applauded ; 
 and on the speaker's ending, ' Stag-hunting,' and the 
 'Surrey stag-hounds,' and 'Long life to all stag-hunters,' 
 were drunk in brimming and overflowing bumpers. 
 Fox-hunting, hare-hunting, rabbit-hunting, cat-hunting, 
 rat-catching, badger-baiting — all wild, seasonable, and 
 legitimate sports, followed ; and the chairman having 
 run through the list, and thinking Jorrocks was getting 
 rather mellow, resolved to try the soothing system 
 on him for a subscription, the morning not having 
 answered. Accordingly, he called on the company to 
 charge their glasses, as he would give them a bumper 
 toast, which he knew they would have great pleasure in 
 drinking. — ' He wished to propose the healtli of his 
 excellent friend on his right — Mr. Jorrocks (applause), 
 a gentleman whose name only required mentioning in 
 any society of hunters to insure it a hearty and enthu- 
 siastic reception. He did not flatter his excellent 
 friend when he said he was a man for the imitation of 
 all, and he was sure that when the present company 
 recollected the liberal support he gave to the Surrey 
 fox-hounds, together with the keenness with which he 
 followed that branch of amusement, they would duly
 
 THE SURREY STAG-HOUNDS. 
 
 appreciate, not only the honour he had conferred upon 
 them by his presence in the field that morning, and at 
 the table that day, but the disinterested generosity 
 which had prompted him voluntarily to declare his 
 intention of contributing to the future support of the 
 Surrey stag-hounds (immense cheers) ; — he therefore 
 thought the least they could do was to drink the health 
 of Mr. Jorrocks, and Success to the Surrey fox-hounds, 
 with three times three,' which was immediately re- 
 sponded to with deafening cheers. 
 
 Old Jorrocks, after the noise had subsided, got on 
 his legs, and with one hand rattling the five shilling 
 pieces in his breeches pocket, and the thumb of the 
 other thrust into the arm-hole of his waistcoat, thus 
 began to address them — ' Gentlemen,' said he, ' I'm no 
 orator, but I'm an honest man — (hiccup) — I feels werry 
 (hiccup) much obliged to my excellent friend the Lord 
 High Keeper (shouts of laughter) — I begs his pardon, 
 my friend Mr. Juggins — for the werry flat/67zing com- 
 pliment he has paid me in coupling my name (hiccup) 
 with the Surrey fox-'ounds — a pack, I may say, without 
 wanity (hiccup), second to none. I'm a werry old 
 member of the 'unt, and when I was a werry poor man 
 (hiccup) I always did my best to support them, (hiccup), 
 and now that I'm a werry rich man (cheers) I shan't do 
 no otherwise. About subscribing to the staggers, I 
 doesn't recollect saying nothing whatsomever about 
 it (hiccup), but as I'm werry friendly to sporting in all 
 its ramifications (hiccup), I'll be werry happy to give 
 ten pounds to your 'ounds,' — immense cheers followed 
 this declaration, which lasted for some seconds — when 
 they had subsided, Jorrocks put his finger on his nose, 
 and with a knowing wink of his eye, added — ' prozvided 
 my friend the Lord High Keep — I begs his pardon — 
 Juggins — will give ten pounds to ours ! ' 
 
 G
 
 No. V. 
 THE TURF: 
 
 MR. JORROCKS AT NEWMARKET. 
 
 ' A MUFFIN — and T/ie Post, sir,' said George to the 
 Yorkshireman, — on one of the fine fresh mornings that 
 gently usher in the returning spring, and draw from the 
 town-pent Cits sighs for the verdure of the fields — as 
 he placed the above-mentioned articles on his usual 
 breakfast-table in the coffee-room of the Piazza. 
 
 With the calm deliberation of a man whose whole 
 day is unoccupied, the Yorkshireman sweetened his tea, 
 drew the muffin and a select dish of prawns to his elbow, 
 and turning sideways to the table, crossed his legs and 
 prepared to con the contents of the paper. The first 
 page as usual was full of advertisements. — Sales by 
 Auction — Favour of your vote and interest — If the 
 next of Kin — Reform your tailor's bills — Law — Articled 
 Clerk — An absolute reversion — Pony Phaeton — Arti- 
 ficial teeth — Messrs Tattersall — Brace of Pointers — 
 Dog lost — Boy found — Great sacrifice — No advance in 
 Coffee — Matrimony — A single gentleman — Board and 
 Lodging in an airy situation — To Omnibus Proprietors 
 — Steam to Leith and Hull — Stationery — Desirable 
 investment for a small capital — The Fire reviver or 
 ligfhter. 
 
 Then, turning it over, his eye ranged over a whole 
 meadow of type, consisting of the previous night's 
 debate, followed on by City News, Police Reports.
 
 MR. JORROCKS AT NEWMARKET. 83 
 
 Fashionable arrivals and departures, Dinners given, 
 Sporting Intelligence, Newmarket Craven Meeting, 
 ' That's more in my way,' said the Yorkshireman to 
 himself as he laid down the paper and took a sip of his 
 tea. ' I've a great mind to go, for I may just as well 
 be at Newmarket as here, having nothing particular to 
 do in either place. I came to stay a hundred pounds 
 in London, it's true, but if I stay ten of it at New- 
 market, it'll be all the same, and I can go home from 
 there just as well as from here : ' so saying, he took 
 another turn at the tea. The race list was a tempting 
 one, Riddlesworth, Craven stakes, Column stakes, Oat- 
 lands, Port, Claret, Sherry, Madeira, and all other sorts. 
 A good week's racing, in fact, for the saintly sinners 
 who frequent the Heath had not then discovered any 
 greater impropriety in travelling on a Sunday, than in 
 cheating each other on the Monday. The tea was 
 good, as were the prawns and eggs, and George brought 
 a second muffin, at the very moment that the York- 
 shireman had finished the last piece of the first, so 
 that by the time he had done his breakfast and drawn 
 on his boots, which were dryer and pleasanter than the 
 recent damp weather had allowed of their being, he 
 felt completely at peace with himself and all the world, 
 and putting on his hat, sallied forth with the self- 
 satisfied air of a man who had eaten a good breakfast, 
 and yet not too much. 
 
 Newmarket was still uppermost in his mind ; and as 
 he sauntered along in the direction of the Strand, it 
 occurred to him that perhaps Mr. Jorrocks might have 
 no objection to accompany him. On entering that 
 great thoroughfare of humanity, he turned to the East, 
 and having examined the contents of all the caricature 
 shops in the line, and paid threepence for a look at 
 the York Herald, in the Chapter Coffee-house, St.
 
 84 THE TURF : 
 
 Paul's Churchyard, about noon he reached the corner 
 of St. Botolph-lane. Before Jorrocks and Co.'s ware- 
 house, great bustle and symptoms of brisk trade were 
 visible. With true city pride, the name on the door- 
 post was in small dirty-white letters, sufficiently 
 obscure to - render it apparent that Mr. Jorrocks 
 considered his house required no sign ; while, as a sort 
 of contradiction, the covered errand-cart before it, bore 
 * Jorrocks & Co.'s wholesale tea warehouse,' in 
 ereat eilt letters on each side of the cover, so larae that 
 ' he who runs might read,' even though the errand-cart 
 were running too. Into this cart, which was drawn by 
 the celebrated rat-tail hunter, they were pitching divers 
 packages for town delivery, and a couple of light 
 porters nearly upset the Yorkshireman, as they bustled 
 out with their loads. The warehouse itself gave 
 evident proof of great antiquity. It was not one of 
 your line, light, lofty, mahogany-countered, banker-like 
 establishments of modern times, where the stock-in- 
 trade often consists of books and empty canisters, but 
 a large, roomy, gloomy, dirty, dingy sort of cellar above 
 ground, full of hogsheads, casks, flasks, sugar-loaves, 
 jars, bags, bottles, and boxes. 
 
 The floor was half an inch thick, at least, with dirt, 
 and was sprinkled with rice, currants, and raisins, as 
 though they had been scattered for the purpose of grow- 
 ing. A small corner seemed to have been cut off, like the 
 fold of a Leicestershire grazing ground, and made into 
 an office, in the centre of which was a square or two 
 of glass that commanded a view of the whole ware- 
 house. ' Is Mr. Jorrocks in ?' inquired the Yorkshire- 
 man of a porter, who was busy digging currants with a 
 wooden spade. ' Yes, sir, you'll find him in the count- 
 ing-house,' was the answer ; but on looking in, though 
 l^is hat and gloves were there, no Jorrocks was visible.
 
 MR. JORROCKS AT NEWMARKET. 85 
 
 At the further end of the warehouse a man in his 
 shirt-sleeves, with a white apron round his waist and a 
 brown paper cap on his head, was seen under a very 
 melancholy-looking skylight, holding his head over 
 somethinof, as if his nose were bleedine. The York- 
 shireman groped his way up to him, and asking if Mr. 
 Jorrocks was in, found he was addressing the grocer 
 himself. He had been leaning over a large tray-full 
 of little white cups — with teapots to match — trying the 
 strength, flavour, and virtue of a large purchase of tea, 
 and the beverage was all smoking before him. 'My 
 vig,' exclaimed he, holding out his hand, ' who'd have 
 thought of seeing you in the city, this is something 
 unkimmon ! However, you're werry welcome in St. 
 Botolph-lane, and as this is your first wisit, why, I'll 
 make you a present of some tea — wot do you drink ? 
 black or green, or perhaps both— four pounds of one 
 and two of t'other — Here, Joe! ' summoning his fore- 
 man, ' put up four pounds of that last lot of black that 
 came in, and two pounds of superior green, and this 
 gentleman will tell you where to leave it. — And when 
 do you think of starting ? ' again addressing the York- 
 shireman — 'egad, this is fine weather for the country — 
 have half a mind to have a jaunt myself — makes one 
 quite young — feel as if I'd laid full fifty years aside, 
 and were again a boy — when did you say you start ? ' 
 ' Why, I don't know exactly,' replied the Yorkshire- 
 man ; ' the weather's so fine that I'm half tempted to 
 go round by Newmarket.' ' A^(?z<y;;Mr/6f/ /' exclaimed 
 Jorrocks, throwing his arm in the air, while his paper 
 cap fell from his head with the jerk — ' by Newmarket ! 
 why, what in the name of all that's impure, have you to 
 do at Newmarket ? ' 
 
 ' Why, nothing in particular ; only, when there's 
 neither hunting nor shooting going on, what is a man
 
 86 THE TURF: 
 
 to do with himself ? — I'm sure you'd despise me if I 
 were to go fishing-.' ' True,' observed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 somewhat subdued, and jinghng the silver in his 
 breeches-pocket. ' Fox-'unting is indeed the prince of 
 sports. The image of war without its guilt and only 
 half its danger. I confess that I'm a martyr to it — a 
 perfect wictim — no one knows wot I suffer from my 
 ardour — If ever I'm wisited with the last infirmity of 
 noble minds, it will be caused by my ungovernable 
 passion for the chase. The sigJit of a saddle makes 
 me sweat. An 'ound makes me perfectly wild. A red 
 coat throws me into a scarlet fever. Never throughout 
 life have I had a good night's rest before an 'unting 
 morning. But werry little racing does for me ; Sadler's 
 Wells is well enough of a fine summer evening — 
 especially when they plump the clown over head in the 
 New River cut, and the ponies don't misbehave in the 
 Circus, — but oh ! N ezumarket' s a dreadful place, the 
 werry name's a sickener. I used to hear a vast about 
 it from poor Will Softly of Friday-street. It was the 
 ruin of him — and what a fine business his father left 
 him, both wholesale and retail, in the tripe and cow- 
 heel line — all went in two years, and he had nothing to 
 show at the end of that time for upwards of twenty 
 thousand eolden sovereio-ns, but a hundredweight of 
 children's lamb's-wool socks, and warrants for thirteen 
 hogsheads of damaged sherry in the Docks. No, take 
 my adwice, and have nothing to say to them — stay 
 where you are, or, if you're short of swag, come to 
 Great Coram-street, where you shall have a bed, wear- 
 and-tear for your teeth, and all that sort of thing found 
 you, and, if Saturday's a fine day, 111 treat you with a 
 jaunt to Margate.' 
 
 ' You are a regular old trump,' said the Yorkshire- 
 man, after listening attentively until Mr. Jorrocks had
 
 MR. JORRO CKS AT NE WMA RKE T. 87 
 
 exhausted himself, ' but, you see, you've never been at 
 Newmarket, and the people have been hoaxing you 
 about it. I can assure you from personal experience 
 that the people there are quite as honest as those you 
 meet every day on 'Change, besides which, there is 
 nothing more invigorating to the human frame — nothing 
 more cheering to the spirits, than the sight and air of 
 Newmarket Heath on a fine fresh spring morning like 
 the present. The wind seems to go by you at a racing 
 pace, and the blood canters up and down the veins with 
 the finest and freest action imaginable. A stranger to 
 the race-course would feel, and almost instinctively 
 know, what turf he was treading, and the purpose for 
 which that turf was intended. 
 
 " There's a magic in the web of it." ' 
 
 * Oh, I knows you are a most persuasive cock,' observed 
 Mr. Jorrocks, interrupting the Yorkshireman, 'and 
 would conwince the devil himself that black is white, 
 but you'll never make me believe the Newmarket folks 
 are honest ; and as to the fine hair (air) you talk of, 
 there's quite as good to get on Hampstead Heath, and 
 if it doesn't make the blood canter up and down your 
 weins, you can always amuse yourself by watching the 
 donkeys cantering up and down with the sweet little 
 children— haw haw haw ! — But tell me, what is there at 
 Newmarket that should take a man there ?' ' What is 
 there ? ' rejoined the Yorkshireman, 'why, there's every- 
 thing that makes life desirable and constitutes happiness, 
 in this world, except hunting. First there is the beau- 
 tiful, neat, clean town, with groups of booted professors^ 
 ready for the rapidest march of intellect ; then there 
 are the strings of clothed horses — the finest in the 
 world — passing indolently at intervals to their exercise, 
 the flower of the English aristocracy residing in the 
 place. You leave the town and stroll to the wide,
 
 88 THE TURF: 
 
 Open heath, where all is brightness and space ; the 
 white rails stand forth against the clear blue sky — the 
 brushing gallop ever and anon startles the ear and eye ; 
 crowds of stable urchins, full of silent importance, stud 
 the heath ; you feel elated and long to bound over the 
 A^ell groomed turf and to try the speed of the careering 
 wind. Ail thinofs at Newmarket train the mind to 
 racine. Life seems on the start, and dull indeed were 
 he who could rein in his feelings when such inspiriting 
 objects meet together to madden them ! ' 
 
 'Bravo!' exclaimed Jorrocks, throwing his paper 
 cap in the air as the Yorkshireman concluded — 
 ' Bravo ! — werry good indeed ! You speak like ten 
 Lord Mayors — never heard nothing better. Dash my 
 vig, if I won't go. By Jove, you've done it. Tell me 
 one thing — is there a good place to feed at } ' 
 
 ' Capital ! ' replied the Yorkshireman, ' beef, mutton, 
 cheese, ham, all the delicacies of the season, as the 
 sailor said ; ' and thereupon the Yorkshireman and 
 Jorrocks shook hands upon the bargain. 
 
 Sunday night arrived, and with it arrived, at the 
 Belle Sauvage, in Ludgate Hill, Mr. Jorrocks's boy 
 ' Binjimin,' with Mr. Jorrocks's carpet-bag ; and shortly 
 after, Mr. Jorrocks, on his chestnut hunter, and the 
 Yorkshireman, in a hack cab, entered the yard. Hav- 
 ing consigned his horse to Binjimin, after giving him a 
 very instructive lesson relative to the manner in which 
 he would chastise him if he heard of his trottino- or 
 playing any tricks with the horse on his way home, Mr. 
 Jorrocks proceeded to pay the remainder of his fare in 
 the coach office. The mail was full inside and out ; in- 
 deed, the book-keeper assured him he could have filled 
 a dozen more, so anxious were all London to see the 
 Riddesworth run. ' Inside,' said he, ' are you and your 
 friend, and if it weren't that the night air might give you
 
 MR. JO R ROCKS AT NEWMARKET. 89 
 
 cold, Mr. Jorrocks' (for all the book-keepers in London 
 know him), ' I should have liked to have got you out- 
 sides, and I tried to make an exchange with two black- 
 legs, but they would hear of nothing less than two 
 guineas a head, which wouldn't do, you know. Here 
 comes another of your passengers — a great foreign 
 nobleman, they say — Baron something — though he 
 looks as much like a foreign pickpocket as anything 
 else.' 
 
 ' Vich be de voiture } ' inquired a tall, gaunt-looking 
 foreigner, with immense moustache, a high conical hat 
 with a bright buckle, long loose bluish-blackish frock- 
 coat, very short white waistcoat, baggy brownish striped 
 trousers, and long-footed Wellington boots, with a 
 sort of Chinese turn up at the toe. ' Vich be de New- 
 market Voiture ? ' said he, repeating the query, as he 
 entered the office and deposited a silk umbrella, a cam- 
 let cloak, and a Swiss knapsack on the counter. The 
 porter, without any attempt at an answer, took his 
 goods and walked off to the mail, followed closely by 
 the Baron, and after depositing the cloak inside, so 
 that the Baron might ride with his ' face to the horses,' as 
 the saying is, he turned the knapsack into the hind 
 boot, and swung himself into the office till it was time 
 to ask for something for his exertions. Meanwhile the 
 Baron made a tour of the yard, taking a lesson in 
 English from the lettering on the various coaches, when 
 on the hind boot of one, he deciphered the word 
 Cheapside— ' Ah, Cheapside ! ' said he, pulling out his 
 dictionary and turning to the letter C. * Chaste, chat, 
 chaw, — cheap, dat be it. Cheap, — to be had at a low 
 price — small value. Ah ! I hev (have) it,' said he, 
 stamping and knitting his brows, ' sacrS-e-e-e-e nom de 
 Dieti', and the first word being drawn out to its usual 
 longitude, three strides brought him and the conclusion
 
 90 
 
 THE TURF: 
 
 of the oath into the office together. He then opened 
 out upon the book-keeper, in a tremendous volley of 
 French, English, and Hanoverian oaths, for he was a 
 cross between the first and last named countries, the 
 purport of which was ' dat he had paid de best price, 
 and he be dem if he vod ride on de cheap side of de 
 coach.' In vain the clerks and book-keepers tried to 
 convince him he was wrong in his interpretation. 
 With the full conviction of a foreigner that he was 
 about to be cheated, he had his cloak shifted to the 
 opposite side of the coach, and the knapsack placed on 
 the roof. The fourth inside having cast up, the out- 
 side passengers mounted, the insides took their places, 
 threepences and sixpences were pulled out for the 
 porters, the guard twanged his horn, the coachman 
 turned out his elbow, flourished his whip, caught the 
 point, cried ' All right ! sit tight ! ' and trotted out of 
 the yard, 
 
 Jorrocks and the Yorkshireman sat opposite each 
 other, the Baron and old Sam Spring, the betting man, 
 did likewise. Who doesn't know old Sam, with his 
 curious tortoiseshell-rimmed spectacles, his old drab 
 hat turned up with green, careless neckcloth, flowing 
 robe, and comical cut ? He knew Jorrocks— though 
 — tell it not in Coram-street, he didn't know his name ; 
 but concluding from the disparity of age between him 
 and his companion, that Jorrocks was either a shark 
 or a shark's jackall, and the Yorkshireman a victim, 
 with due professional delicacy, he contented himself 
 with scrutinizing the latter through his specs. The 
 Baron's choler having subsided, he was the first to 
 break the ice of silence. ' Foine noight,' was the 
 observation, which was thrown out promiscuously to 
 see who would take it up. Now Sam Spring, though 
 he came late, had learned from the porter that there
 
 MR. JORROCKS AT NEWAfARKET. 91 
 
 was a Baron in the coach, and being a great admirer 
 of the nobihty, for whose use he has a code of signals 
 of his own, consisting of one finger to his hat for a 
 Baron Lord, as he calls them, two for a Viscount, three 
 for an Earl, four for a Marquis, and the whole hand 
 for a Duke, he immediately responded with ' Yes, my 
 lord,' with a forefinger to his hat. There is something 
 sweet in the word ' Lord ' which finds its way home to 
 the heart of an Englishman. No sooner did Sam pro- 
 nounce it, than the Baron became transformed in 
 Jorrocks's eyes into a very superior sort of person, and 
 forthwith he commenced ingratiating himself by offer- 
 ing him a share of a large paper of sandwiches, which the 
 Baron accepted with the greatest condescension, eating 
 what he could and stuffino- the remainder into his hat. 
 His lordship was a better hand at eating than speaking, 
 and the united efforts of the party could not extract 
 from him the precise purport of his journey. Sam 
 threw out two or three feasible offers in the way of 
 bets, but they fell still-born to the bottom of the coach, 
 and Jorrocks talked to him about hunting and had the 
 conversation all to himself, the Baron merely replying 
 with a bow and a stare, sometimes diversified with, 
 * I tank you — vare good.' The conversation by de- 
 grees resolved itself into a snore, in which they were 
 all indulging, when the raw morning air rushed in 
 among them, as a porter with a lanthorn opened the 
 door and announced their arrival at Newmarket. 
 Forthwith they turned into the street, and the outside 
 passengers having descended, they all commenced 
 straddling, yawning, and stretching their limbs while the 
 guard and porters assorted their luggage. The York- 
 shireman having an eye to a bed, speedily had Mr. 
 Jorrocks's luggage and his own on the back of a porter 
 on its way to the Rutland Arms, while that worthy
 
 92 THE TURF: 
 
 citizen followed in a sort of sleepy astonishment at the 
 smallness of the place, inquiring if they were sure they 
 had not stopped at some village by mistake. Two beds 
 had been ordered for two gentlemen who could not 
 get two seats by the mail, which fell to the lot of those 
 who did, and into these our heroes trundled, having 
 arranged to be called by the early exercising hour. 
 
 Whether it was from want of his usual nightcap 
 of brandy-and-water, or the fatigues of travelling, 
 or what else, remains unknown, but no sooner was Mr. 
 Jorrocks left alone with his candle, than all at once 
 he was seized with a sudden fit of trepidation, on 
 thinkin:j- that he should have been inveiMed to such a 
 place as Newmarket, and the tremor increasing as he 
 pulled four live-pound bank-notes out of his watch- 
 pocket, besides a vast quantity of silver and his great 
 gold watch, he was resolved, should an attempt be 
 made upon his property, to defend it with his life, 
 and having squeezed the notes into the toe of his 
 boots, and hid the silver in the wash-hand stand, he 
 very deliberately put his watch and the poker under 
 the pillow, and set the heavy chest of drawers with 
 two stout chairs and a table against the door, after all 
 which exertions he got into bed and very soon fell 
 sound asleep. 
 
 Most of the inmates of the house were up with the 
 lark to the early exercise, and the Yorkshireman was as 
 early as any of them. Having found Mr. Jorrocks's 
 door, he commenced a loud battery against it without 
 awaking the grocer ; he then tried to open it, but only 
 succeeded in getting it an inch or two from the post, 
 and after several holloas of 'Jorrocks my man! Mr. 
 Jorrocks ! Jorrocks, old boy ! holloa, Jorrocks ! ' he suc- 
 ceeded in extracting the word ' Wot V from the worthy 
 gentleman as he rolled over in his bed. ' Jorrocks !' 
 
 il
 
 MR. JORROCKS AT NEWMARKET. 93 
 
 repeated the Yorkshlreman, 'it's time to be up.' 
 ' Wot ? ' again was the answer. ' Time to get up. The 
 morning's breaking.' 'Let it break' repHed he, adding 
 in a mutter, as he turned over again, ' it owes me 
 nothing.'' 
 
 Entreaties being useless, and a large party being on 
 the point of setting off, the Yorkshireman joined them, 
 and spent a couple of hours on the dew- bespangled 
 heath, during which time they not only criticized the 
 figure and action of every horse that was out, but got 
 up tremendous appetites for breakfast. In the mean- 
 time Mr. Jorrocks had risen, and having attired him- 
 self with his usual care, in a smart blue coat with metal 
 buttons, buff waistcoat, blue stocking-netted tights, and 
 Hessian boots, he turned into the main street of New- 
 market, where he was lost in astonishment at the in- 
 significance of the place. But wiser men than Mr. 
 Jorrocks have been similarly disappointed, for it enters 
 into the philosophy of few to conceive the fame and 
 grandeur of Newmarket compressed into the limits of 
 the petty, outlandish, Icelandish place that bears the 
 name. ' Dash my vig,' said Mr. Jorrocks as he brought 
 himself to bear upon Rogers's shop-window, * this is the 
 werry meanest town I ever did see. Pray, sir,' address- 
 ing himself to a groomish-looking man in a brown cut- 
 away coat, drab shorts and continuations, who had just 
 emerged from the shop with a race list in his hand — 
 ' pray, sir, be this your principal street ? ' The man 
 eyed him with a mixed look of incredulity and con- 
 tempt. At length, putting his thumbs into the arm- 
 holes of his waistcoat, he replied, ' I bet a crown you 
 know as well as I do.' * Done,' said Mr. Jorrocks, 
 holding out his hand. ' No — I won't do that,' replied 
 the man, 'but I'll tell you what I'll do with you, — I'll 
 lay you two to one, in fives or fifties if you like, that
 
 94 
 
 THE TURF. 
 
 you knew before you axed, and that Thunderbolt don't 
 win the Riddlesworth.' * Really,' said Mr. Jorrocks, 
 ' I'm not a betting man.' ' Then, wot the 'ell business 
 have you at Newmarket ? ' was all the answer he got. 
 Diso-usted with such inhospitable impertinence, Mr. 
 Jorrocks turned on his heel and walked away. Before 
 the White Hart Inn was a smartish pony phaeton, in 
 charge of a stunted stable lad. ' I say, young chap,' 
 inquired Jorrocks, ' whose is that ? ' 'How did you 
 know that I was a young chap ? ' inquired the abortion, 
 turning round. 'Guessed it,' repHed Jorrocks, chuck- 
 ling at his own wit. ' Then gtiess whose it is.' 
 
 ' Pray, are your clocks here by London time ? ' he 
 asked of a respectable elderly-looking man whom he 
 saw turn out of the entry leading to the Kingston 
 rooms, and take the usual survey first up the town and 
 then down it, and afterwards compose his hands in his 
 breeches-pockets, there to stand to see the ' world.'* 
 ' Come now, old 'un — none o' your tricks here— you've 
 got a match on against time, I suppose,' was all the 
 answer he could get, after the man (old R — n the ex- 
 flagellator) had surveyed him from head to foot. 
 
 We need hardly say after all these rebuffs that when 
 Mr. Jorrocks met the Yorkshireman, he was not in the 
 best possible humour ; indeed, to say nothing of the 
 extreme sharpness and suspicion of the people, we 
 know of no place where a man, not fond of racing, is 
 so completely out of his element as at Newmarket, for 
 with the exception of a little ' elbow shaking ' in the 
 evening, there is literally and truly nothing else to do. 
 
 It is ' Heath,' ' Ditch in,' ' Abingdon mile,' ' T.Y.C. 
 Stakes,' ' Sweepstakes,' ' Handicaps,' ' Bet,' ' Lay,' 
 'Take,' ' Odds,' ' Evens,' morning, noon, and night. 
 
 * Newmarket or London — it's all the same — ' The World' is but com- 
 posed of one's own acquaintance.
 
 MR. JORROCKS AT NEWMARKET. 95 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks made bitter complaints during the 
 breakfast, and some invidious comparisons between 
 racing men and fox-hunters, which, however, became 
 softer towards the close, as he got deeper in the deli- 
 cacy of a fine Cambridge brawn. Nature being at 
 length appeased, he again thought of turning out, to 
 have a look, as he said, at the shows on the course, but 
 the appearance of his friend the Baron opposite the 
 window, put it out of 'his head, and he sallied forth to 
 join him. The Baron was evidently incog. ; for he had 
 on the same short dirty-white waistcoat, Chinese boots, 
 and conical hat, that he had travelled down in, and 
 being a stranger in the land, of course he was uncom- 
 monly glad to pick up Jorrocks, so after he had hugged 
 him a little, called him a ' bon gar9on,' and a few other 
 endearing terms, he run his great long arm through his 
 and walked him down street, the whole peregrinations 
 of Newmarket being comprised in the words * iip street' 
 and ' down! He then communicated, in most unrepre- 
 sentable language, that he was on his way to buy ' an 
 'oss,' and Jorrocks informing him that he was a perfect 
 connoisseur in the article, the Baron again assured him 
 of his distinguished consideration. They were met by 
 Joe Rogers, the trainer, with a ring key in his hand, who 
 led the way to the stable, and having unlocked a box 
 in which was a fine slapping four-year-old, according to 
 etiquette he put his hat in a corner, took a switch in 
 one hand, laid hold of the horse's head with the other, 
 while the lad in attendance stripped off its clothes. 
 The Baron then turned up his wrists, and making a 
 curious noise in his throat, proceeded to pass his hand 
 down each leg, and along its back, after which he gave 
 it a thump in the belly and squeezed its throat, when 
 being as wise as he was at starting, he stuck his thumb 
 in his side, and took a mental survey of the whole —
 
 96 THE TURF : 
 
 ' Ah,' said he at length — * foin oss, — foin oss ; vot ears 
 he has ? ' ' Oh,' said Rogers, ' they show breeding.' 
 ' Non. non, / say vot ears he has ? ' ' Well, but he 
 carries them well,' was the answer. ' Non, non,' 
 stamping, ' I say vot ears {^years) he has ? ' ' Oh, hang 
 it, I twig — four years old.' Then the Baron took an- 
 other lone look at him. At length he resumed, ' I vill 
 my wet.' ' What's that .'' ' inquired Rogers of Jorrocks. 
 ' His zuet — why, a drink to be sure,' and thereupon 
 Rogers went to the pump and brought a glass of pure 
 water, which the Baron refused with becoming indigna- 
 tion. ' Non, noHy said he, stamping ; ' / vilL my wet' 
 repeated the Baron with vehemence. ' He must want 
 some brandy in it,' observed Mr. Jorrocks, judging of 
 the Baron by himself, and thereupon the lad was sent 
 for three-penn'orth. When it arrived, the Baron dashed 
 it out of his hand with a prolonged sacri-e-e-e—\ adding, 
 ' I vill von wet-tiii'iiin-na-ary surgeon.' The boy was 
 despatched for one, and on his arrival the veterinary 
 surgeon went through the process the Baron had at- 
 tempted, and not being a man of many words, he just 
 gave the Baron a nod at the end. ' How moch ? ' in- 
 quired the Baron of Rogers. ' Five hundred,' was the 
 answer. ' Vot, five hundred livre ? ' ' Oh d — n it, you 
 may take him or leave him, just as you like, but you 
 won't get him for less.' The 'vet' explained that the 
 Baron wished to know whether it was five hundred 
 francs (French tenpences), or five hundred guineas 
 English money, and being informed that it was the 
 latter, he gave his conical hat a thrust on his brow, and 
 bolted out of the box. 
 
 But race hour approaches, and people begin to as- 
 semble in groups before the ' rooms,' while tax-carts, 
 pony-gigs, post-chaises, the usual aristocratical accom- 
 paniments of Newmarket, come dribbling at intervals
 
 MR. yORROCKS A F NEWMARKET. 97 
 
 into the town. Here is old Sam Spring in a spring 
 cart, driven by a plough-boy in fustian, there the Earl 
 
 of , on a ten-pound pony, with the girths elegantly 
 
 parted to prevent the saddle slipping over its head, 
 
 while Miss , his jockey's daughter, dashes by him 
 
 in a phaeton with a powdered footman, and the postillion 
 in scarlet and leathers, with a badge on his arm. Old 
 Crockey puts on his great-coat, Jem Bland draws the 
 yellow phaeton and grays to the gateway of the White 
 Hart, to take up his friend Crutch Robinson ; Zac, 
 Jack, and another, have just driven on in a fly. In 
 short, it's a brilliant meeting 1 Besides four coronetted 
 carriages with post-horses, there are three phaetons- 
 and-pair ; a thing that would have been a phaeton if 
 they'd have let it. General Grosvenor's dog-carriage, 
 that is to say, his carriage with a dog upon it ; Lady 
 Chesterfield and the Hon. Mrs. Anson in a pony phae- 
 ton with an out-rider (Miss will have one next 
 
 meeting instead of the powdered footman) ; Tattersall in 
 his double carriage, driving without bearing reins ; Old 
 Theobald in leather breeches and a buggy ; five Bury 
 butchers in a tax-cart ; Young Dutch Sam on a pony ; 
 * Short-odds Richards ' on a long-backed, crocodile-look- 
 ing Rosinante ; and no end of pedestrians. 
 
 But where is Mr. Jorrocks all this time ? Why, 
 eating brawn in the Rutland Arms with his friend the 
 Baron, perfectly unconscious that all these passers-by 
 were not the daily visibles of the place. ' Dash my 
 vig,' said he, as he bolted another half of the round, ' I 
 see no symptoms of a stir. Come, my lord, do me the 
 honour to take another glass of sherry.' His lordship 
 was nothing loath, so by mutual entreaties they finished 
 the bottle, besides a considerable quantity of porter. A 
 fine, fat, chestnut, long-tailed Suffolk-punch cart mare — 
 fresh from the plough — having been considerately
 
 98 THE TURF. 
 
 provided by the Yorkshireman for Mr. Jorrocks, with 
 a cob for himself, they proceeded to mount in the yard, 
 when Mr. Jorrocks was concerned to find that the 
 Baron had nothing to carry him. His lordship, too, 
 seemed disconcerted, but it was only momentary ; for 
 walking up to the punch mare, and resting his elbow 
 on her hind quarter to try if she kicked, he very coolly 
 vaulted up behind Mr. Jorrocks. Now Jorrocks, 
 though proud of the patronage of a lord, did not 
 exactly comprehend whether he was in earnest or not, 
 but the Baron soon let him know ; for thrusting his 
 conical hat on his brow, he put his arm round Jor- 
 rocks's waist, and gave the old mare a touch in the 
 flank with the Chinese boot, crying out — ' Along me. 
 brave gar9on, along ma cher,' and the owner of the 
 mare living at Kentford, she went off at a brisk trot in 
 that direction, while the Yorkshireman slipped down 
 the town unperceived. The sherry had done its 
 business on them both ; the Baron, and who, perhaps, 
 was the most ' cut ' of the two, chaunted the Marseillaise 
 hymn of liberty with as much freedom as though he 
 were sitting in the saddle. Thus they proceeded 
 laughing and singing until the Bury pay-gate arrested 
 their progress, when it occurred to the steersman to 
 ask if they were going right. ' Be this the vay to 
 Newmarket races ? ' inquired Jorrocks of the pike- 
 keeper. The man dived into the small pocket of his 
 white apron for a ticket, and very coolly replied, ' Shell 
 out, o\di 'un.' 'How much.'*' said Jorrocks. 'Tup- 
 pence,' which having got, he said, ' Now then, you may 
 turn, for the heath be over yonder,' pointing back; ' at 
 least it was there this morning, I know.' After a 
 volley of abuse for his impudence, Mr. Jorrocks, with 
 some difficulty, got the old mare pulled round, for she 
 had a deuced hard mouth of her own, and only a plain
 
 -
 
 MR. JORROCKS AT NEWMARKET. 99 
 
 snaffle in it ; at last, however, with the aid of a boy to 
 beat her with a furze bush, they got her set agoing 
 again, and, retracing their steps, they trotted ' down 
 street,' rose the hill, and entered the spacious, wide- 
 extending flat of Newmarket heath. The races were 
 going forward on one of the distant courses, and a 
 slight, insignificant black streak, swelling into a sort of 
 oblong (for all the world like an overgrown tadpole), 
 was all that denoted the spot, or interrupted the 
 verdant aspect of the quiet, extensive plain. Jorrocks 
 was horrified, having through life pictured Epsom as a 
 mere drop in the ocean compared with the countless 
 multitude of Newmarket, while 'the Baron, who was 
 wholly indifferent to the matter, nearly had old Jorrocks 
 pitched over the mare's head by applying the furze bush 
 (which he had got from the boy) to her tail while Mr. 
 Jorrocks was sitting loosely, contemplating the barren- 
 ness of the prospect. The sherry was still alive, and 
 being all for fun, he shuffled back into the saddle as 
 soon as the old mare gave over kicking ; and giving a 
 loud tally-ho, with some minor ' hunting noises,' which 
 were responded to by the Baron in notes not capable 
 of being set to music, and aided by an equally inde- 
 scribable accompaniment from the old mare at every 
 application of the bush, she went off at score over the 
 springy turf, and bore them triumphantly to the betting- 
 post just as the ring was in course of formation, a fact 
 which she announced by a loud neigh on viewing her 
 companion of the plough, as well as by upsetting some 
 half-dozen black-leofs as she rushed throufjh the crowd 
 to greet her. Great was the hubbub, shouting, swear- 
 inof, and lauorhinfj, — for thouo-h the Newmarketites are 
 familiar with most conveyances, from a pair of horses 
 down to a pair of shoes, it had not then fallen to their 
 lot to see two men ride into the rinof on the same
 
 loo THE TURF: 
 
 horse, — certainly not with such a hat between them as 
 the Baron's. 
 
 The gravest and weightiest matters will not long 
 distract the attention of a black-leg, and the laughter 
 having subsided without Jorrocks or the Baron being 
 in the slightest degree disconcerted, the ring was again 
 formed ; horses' heads again turn towards the post, 
 while carriages, gigs, and carts form an outer circle. A 
 solemn silence ensues. The legs are scanning the list. 
 At length one gives tongue. ' What starts ? Does 
 Lord Eldon start ? ' ' No, he don't,' replies the owner. 
 ' Does Trick, by Catton ? ' * Yes, and Conolly rides — 
 but mind, three pounds over.' 'Does John Bull?' 
 
 * No, John's struck out,' * Polly Hopkins does, so does 
 Talleyrand, also O, Fy ! out of Penitence. Beagle 
 and Paradox also — and perhaps Pickpocket.' 
 
 Another pause, and the pencils are pulled from the 
 betting-books. The legs and lords look at each other, 
 but no one likes to lead off. At lenorth a voice is 
 heard offering to take nine to one he names the 
 winner. ' It's short odds, doing it cautiously.' ' Pll 
 take eight then,' he adds — ' sivin ! ' but no one bites, 
 
 * What will anyone lay about Trick, by Catton ? ' 
 inquires Jem Bland. * I'll lay three to one again him.' 
 " I'll take two to one — two ponies to one, and give you 
 a suv for lay in it.' ' Carn't ' is the answer. * I'll do it, 
 Jem,' cries a voice. * V^o, you won't,' from Bland, not 
 liking his customer. Now they are all at it, and what 
 a hubbub there is! ' I'll back the field— I'll lay— I'll 
 take — I'll bet — ponies — fifties — hundreds — five hun- 
 dred to two.' 'What do you want, my lord,'*' 
 ' Three to one against Trick, by Catton.' ' Carn't afford 
 it — the odds real/x aren't that in the ring.' ' Take 
 two — two hundred to one,' ' No.' ' Crockford, you'll 
 do it for me ? ' ' Yes, my lord. Twice over if you
 
 MR. JORROCKS AT NEWMARKET. loi 
 
 like. Done, done.' ' Do it again ? ' ' No, thank 
 you,' 
 
 ' Trick, by Catton, don't start ! ' cries a voice. 
 ^Impossible!' exclaim his backers. 'Quite true, I'm 
 
 just from the weighing-house, and told me so 
 
 himself.' ^ Shame ! shame!' roar those who have 
 backed him, and ' honour — rascals — rogues — thieves — 
 robbery — swindle — turf-ruined ' — fly from tongue to 
 tongue, but they are all speakers with never a speaker 
 to cry order. Meanwhile the lads have galloped by on 
 their hacks with the horses' clothes to the rubbine- 
 house, and the horses have actually started, and are 
 now visible in the distance sweeping over the open 
 heath, apparently without guide or beacon. 
 
 The majority of the ring rush to the white judge's 
 box, and have just time to range themselves along the 
 rude stakes and ropes that guard the run-in, and the 
 course-keeper in a shooting-jacket on a rough pony to 
 crack his whip, and cry to half a dozen stable lads to 
 ' clear the course,' before the horses come flying towards 
 home. Now all is tremor ; hope and fear vacillating in 
 each breast. Silence stands breathless with expecta- 
 tion—all eyes are riveted — the horses come within 
 descrying distance — * beautiful ! ' three close together, 
 two behind. ' Clear the course ! clear the course ! 
 pray clear the course ! ' ' Polly Hopkins ! Polly Hop- 
 kins ! ' roar a hundred voices as they near ; ' O, Fy ! 
 O, Fy ! ' respond an equal number. ' The horse ! the 
 horse ! ' bellow a hundred more, as though their yells 
 would aid his speed, as Polly Hopkins, O, Fy ! and 
 Talleyrand rush neck-and-neck along the cords and 
 pass the judge's box. A cry of ' dead heat ! ' is heard. 
 The by-standers see as suits their books, and imme- 
 diately rush to the judge's box, betting, bellowing, 
 roaring, and yelling the whole way. ' What's won ?
 
 I02 THE TURF: 
 
 what's won ? what's won ? ' is vociferated from a 
 hundred voices. ' Polly Hopkins ! Polly Hopkins ! 
 Polly Hopkins ! ' replies Mr. Clark, with judicial 
 dignity. ' By how much ? by how much ? ' ' Half a 
 head— half a head,'* replies the same functionary. 
 • What's second ? ' ' O, Fy ! ' and so, amid the song of 
 ' Pretty, pretty Polly Hopkins,' from the winners, and 
 curses and execrations, long, loud, and deep, from the 
 losers, the scene closes. 
 
 The admiring winners follow Polly to the rubbing- 
 house, while the losing horses are left in the care of 
 their trainers and stable-boys, who console themselves 
 with hopes of 'better luck next time.' 
 
 After a storm comes a calm, and the next proceeding 
 is the wheeling of the judge's box, and removal of the 
 old stakes and ropes to another course on a different 
 part of the heath, which is accomplished by a few 
 ragged rascals, as rude and uncouth as the furniture 
 they bear. In less than half an hour the same group 
 of anxious, careworn countenances are again turned 
 upon each other at the betting-post, as though they 
 had never separated. But see ! the noble owner of 
 Trick, by Catton, is in the crowd, and Jem Bland 
 eyeing him like a hawk. ' I say, Waggey,' cries he 
 (singling out a friend stationed by his lordship), ' had 
 you aught on Trick, by Catton ? ' * No, Jem,' roars 
 Wagstaff, shaking his head, ' I knew my man too well.' 
 ' Why now, W^aggey, do you know / wouldn't have 
 done such a thing for the world ! no, not even to have 
 been made a markiss ! ' A horse-laugh follows this de- 
 nunciation, at which the newly-created marquis bites 
 his livid lips. 
 
 The Baron, who appears to have no taste for walking, 
 
 * No judge ever gave a race as won by half a head ; but we let the 
 whole passage stand as originally written. — Editor.
 
 MR. yORROCKS AT NEWMARKET. 103 
 
 Still sticks to the Punch mare, which Mr. Jorrocks 
 steers to the newly-formed ring, aided by the Baron 
 and the furze bush. Here they come upon Sam 
 Spring, whose boy has just brought his spring-cart to 
 bear upon the ring formed by the horsemen, and 
 thinking it a pity a nobleman of any country should be 
 reduced to the necessity of riding double, very politely 
 offers to take one into his carriage. Jorrocks accepts the 
 offer, and forthwith proceeds to make himself quite at 
 home in it. The chorus again commences, and Jorrocks 
 interrogates Sam as to the names of the brawlers. 
 ' Who be that ? ' said he, * offering to bet a thousand 
 to a hundred.' Spring, after eyeing him through his 
 spectacles, with a grin and a look of suspicion, replies, 
 
 * Come now — come — let's have no nonsense — you know 
 as well as I.' * Really,' replies Mr. Jorrocks most 
 earnestly, ' Idont.' ' Why, where have you lived all 
 your life ? ' * First part of it with my grandmother at 
 Lisson Grove, afterwards at Camberwell, but now I 
 resides in Great Coram-street, Russell-square — a werry 
 fashionable neighbourhood.' ' Oh, I see,' replies Sam, 
 
 * you are one of the reg'lar city coves, then — now, 
 what brings you here ? ' ' Just to say that I have been 
 at Newmarket, for I'm blowed if ever you catch me 
 here again,' ' That's a pity,' replied Sam, ' for you 
 look like a promising man — a handsome-bodied chap 
 in the face — don't you sport any ? ' ' O, a vast ! — 'unt 
 regularly — -I'm a member of the Surrey 'unt — capital 
 one it is too — best in England by far.' ' What do you 
 hunt ? ' inquired Sam. ' Foxes, to be sure.' ' And are 
 they good eating?' ' Come,' replied Jorrocks, 'you 
 know, as well as I do, we don't eat 'em.' The dialogue 
 was interrupted by some one calling to Sam to know 
 what he was backing. 
 
 ' The Bedlamite colt, my lord,' with a fore-finger to
 
 I04 THE TURF: 
 
 his hat. 'Who's that?' inquired Jorrocks. 'That's 
 
 my Lord L , a baron-lord — and a very nice one — 
 
 best baron-lord I know — always bets with me — that's 
 another baron-lord next him, and the man next him 
 is a baron-knight, a stage below a baron-lord — some- 
 thing between a nobleman and a gentleman.' ' And 
 who be that stout, good-looking man in a blue coat and 
 velvet collar next him, just rubbing his chin with the 
 race card — he'll be a lord too, I suppose?' 'No, — 
 that's Mr. Gully, as honest a man as ever came here, 
 — that's Crockford before him. The man on the right 
 
 is Mr. C , who they call the " cracksman," because 
 
 formerly he was a professional housebreaker, but he 
 has given up that trade, and turned gentleman, bets, 
 and keeps a gaming-table. This little ugly black-faced 
 chap, that looks for all the world like a bilious Scotch 
 terrier, has lately come among us. He was a tramping 
 pedlar — sold worsted stockings — attended country 
 courses, and occasionally bet a pair. Now he bets 
 thousands of pounds, and keeps race-horses. The 
 chaps about him, all covered with chains and rings and 
 brooches, were in the duffing line — sold brimstoned 
 sparrows for canary-birds, Norwich shawls for real 
 Cashmere, and dried cabbage-leaves for cigars. 
 Now each has a first-rate house, horses and carriages, 
 and a play-actress among them. Yon chap, with the 
 extravagantly big mouth, is a cabinet-maker at Cam- 
 bridge. He'll bet you a thousand pounds as soon as 
 look at you. 
 
 ' The chap on the right of the post, with the red tie, 
 is the son of an ostler. He commenced bettino- 
 thousands with a farthing capital. The man next him 
 all teeth and hair, like a rat-catcher's dog, is an 
 Honourable by birth, but not very honourable in his 
 nature.' ' But see,' cried Mr. Jorrocks, ' Lord is
 
 MR. JORROCKS AT NEWMARKET. 105 
 
 talking to the Cracksman.' ' To be sure,' replies Sam, 
 ' that's the beauty of the turf. The lord and the leg 
 are reduced to an equality. Take my word for it, if 
 you have a turn for good society, you should come 
 upon the turf. — I say, my Lord Duke ! ' with all five 
 fingers up to his hat, ' I'll lay you three to two on the 
 Bedlamite colt.' ' Done, Mr. Spring,' replies his 
 Grace, 'three ponies to two.' 'There!' cried Mr. 
 Spring, turning to Jorrocks, 'didn't I tell you so? 
 The riot around the post increases. It is near the 
 moment of starting, and the legs again become clamor- 
 ous for what they want. Their vehemence increases. 
 Each man is in exb^emis. ' They are off!' cries one. 
 ' No, they are not,' replies another. ' False start,' roars 
 a third. ' Now they come ! ' 'No, they don't ! ' ' Back 
 again.' They are off at last, however, and away they 
 speed over the flat. The horses come within descrying 
 distance. It's a beautiful race — run at score the whole 
 way, and only two tailed off within the cords. Now 
 they set to — whips and spurs go, legs leap, lords shout, 
 and amid the same scene of confusion, betting, gal- 
 loping, cursing, swearing, and bellowing, the horses 
 rush past the judge's box. 
 
 But we have run our race, and will not fatigue our 
 readers with repetition. Let us, however, spend the 
 evening, and then the ' Day at Newmarket ' will be 
 done. 
 
 Mr. Spring, with his usual attention to strangers, per- 
 suades Mr, Jorrocks to make one of a most agreeable 
 dinner-party at the White Hart, on the assurance of 
 spending a delightful evening. Covers are laid for six- 
 teen in the front room down-stairs, and about six o'clock 
 that number are ready to sit down. Mr. Badchild, the 
 accomplished keeper of an oyster-room and minor hell 
 in Pickering-place, is prevailed upon to take the chair,
 
 io6 THE TURF: 
 
 supported on his right by Mr. Jorrocks, and on his left 
 by Mr. Tom Rhodes, of Thames-street, while the stout, 
 jolly, portly Jerry Hawthorn fills — in the fullest sense 
 of the word — the vice-chair. Just as the waiters are 
 removing the covers, in stalks the Baron, in his conical 
 hat, and reconnoitres the viands. Sam, all politeness, 
 invites him to join the party. ' I tank you,' replies the 
 Baron, 'but I have my wet in de next room.' ' But 
 bring your wet with you,' rejoins Sam, ' we'll all have 
 our wet together after dinner,' thinking the Baron 
 meant his wine. 
 
 • The usual inn grace — ' For what we are going to 
 receive, the host expects to be paid,' — having been said 
 with great feeling and earnestness, they all set to at the 
 victuals, and little conversation passed until the removal 
 of the cloth, when Mr. Badchild, calling upon his Vice, 
 observed that as in all probability there were gentlemen 
 of different political and other opinions present, perhaps 
 the best way would be to give a comprehensive toast, 
 and so get over any debatable ground, — he therefore 
 proposed to drink in a bumper ' The King, the Queen, 
 and all the Royal Family, the Ministry, particularly 
 the Master of the Horse, the Army, the Navy, the 
 Church, the State, and after the excellent dinner they 
 had eaten, he would include the name of the landlord 
 of the White Hart ' (great applause). Song from Jerry 
 Hawthorn — ' The King of the Cannibal Islands.' — 
 The chairman then called upon the company to fill 
 their glasses to a toast upon which there could be no 
 difference of opinion. ' It was a sport which they all 
 enjoyed, one that was delightful to the old and to the 
 young, to the peer and to the peasant, and open to all. 
 Whatever might be the merits of other amusements, 
 he had never yet met any man with the hardihood to 
 deny that racing was at once the noblest and the most
 
 MR. JORROCKS AT NEWMARKET. 107 
 
 legitimate — (loud cheers, and thumps on the table, that 
 set all the glasses dancing), — not only was It the noblest 
 and most legitimate, but it was the most profitable ; 
 and where was the man of high and honourable prin- 
 ciple who did not feel, when breathing the pure atmo- 
 sphere of that heath, a lofty self-satisfaction at the 
 thought, that though he might have left those who were 
 near and dear to him in a less genial atmosphere, still 
 he was not selfishly enjoying himself, without a thought 
 for their welfare; for racing, while it brought health 
 and vigour to the father, also brought what was dearer 
 to the mind of a parent — the means of promoting the 
 happiness and prosperity of his family — (immense 
 cheers). With these few observations he should simply 
 propose " the Turf," and may we long be above it ' — 
 (applause, and on the motion of Mr. Spring, three 
 cheers for Mrs. Badchild and all the little Badchildren 
 were called for and given). When the noise had sub- 
 sided, Mr. Jorrocks very deliberately got up, amid 
 whispers and inquiries as to who he was. ' Gentlemen,' 
 said he, with an indignant stare, and a thump on the 
 table, * Gentlemen, I say, in much of what has fallen 
 from our worthy chairman, I go-in-sides, saves in what 
 he says about racing — I insists that Minting is the sport 
 of sports (immense laughter, and cries of * wot an old 
 fool ! '). Gentlemen may laugh, but I say it's a fact, 
 and though I doesn't wish to create no displeasancy 
 whatsomever, yet I should despise myself most con- 
 foundedly — should consider myself unworthy of the 
 great and distinguished 'unt to which I have the honour 
 to belong, if I sat quietly down without sticking up for 
 the Chase (laughter) — I say, it's one of the balances of 
 the Constitution (laughter) — I say, it's the sport of kings ! 
 the image of war without its guilt (hisses and immense 
 laughter). He would fearlessly propose a bumper toast
 
 io8 THE TURF. 
 
 — he would give them " Fox-hunting." ' There was 
 some demur about drinking it, but on the interposition 
 of Sam Spring, who assured the company that Jorrocks 
 was one of the right sort, and with an addition proposed 
 by Jerry Hawthorn, which made the toast more com- 
 prehensible, they swallowed it, and the chairman 
 followed it up with ' The Sod,' — which was drunk with 
 great applause. Mr. Cox, of Blue Hammerton, returned 
 thanks. ' He considered cock-fighting the finest of all 
 amusements. Nothing could equal the rush be- 
 tween two prime gray-hackles — that was his colour. 
 The chairman had said a vast for racing, and to cut 
 the matter short, he might observe that cock-fighting 
 combined all the advantages of making money, with the 
 additional benefit of not being interfered with by the 
 weather, Hebes:2fed to return his best thanks for him- 
 self and brother sods, and only regretted he had not 
 been taught speaking in his youth, or he would cer- 
 tainly have convinced them all, that " Cocking" was 
 the sport.' ' Coursing ' was the next toast — for which 
 Arthur Pavis, the jockey, returned thanks. ' He was 
 very fond of the "long-dogs," and thought, after racing, 
 coursing was the true thing. He was no orator, and 
 so he drank off his wine to the health of the company.' 
 'Steeple-chasing' followed, for which Mr. Coalman, of 
 St Albans, returned thanks, assuring the company that 
 it answered his purpose remarkably well. Then the 
 Vice gave the Chair, and the Chair gave the Vice; and 
 by way of a finale, Mr. Badchild proposed the game of 
 Chicken-hazard, observing in a whisper to Mr. Jorrocks, 
 that perhaps he would like to subscribe to a joint-stock 
 purse for the purpose of going to hell. To which Mr. 
 
 Jorrocks, with great gravity, replied — 'Sir, I'm d d 
 
 if I do.'
 
 No. VI. 
 A WEEK AT CHELTENHAM 
 
 THE CHELTENHAM DANDY. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks had been very poorly Indeed of indiges- 
 tion, as he calls it, produced by tucking in too much 
 roast-beef and plum-pudding at Christmas, and prolong- 
 ing the period of his festivities a little beyond the 
 season allowed by Moore's Almanack ; and having in 
 vain applied the usual remedies prescribed on such 
 occasions, he at length consented to try the Cheltenham 
 waters, though altogether opposed to the element, he 
 not having * astonished his stomach,' as he says, for 
 the last fifteen years with a glass of water. 
 
 Having established himself and the Yorkshireman in 
 a small private lodging in High-street, consisting of 
 two bedrooms and a sitting-room, he commenced his 
 visits to the Royal Spa, and after a few good drenches, 
 picked up so rapidly, that to whatever inn they went 
 to dine, the landlords and waiters were astounded at 
 the consumption of prog, and in a very short time he 
 was known from the Royal Hotel down to Hurlston's 
 Commercial Inn, as the great London cormorant. At 
 first, however, he was extremely depressed in spirits, 
 and did nothing the whole day after his arrival, but 
 talk about the arrangement of his temporal affairs; and 
 the first symptom he gave of returning health was one 
 day at dinner at the Plough, by astonishing two or
 
 A WEEK AT CHELTENHAM . 
 
 three scarlet-coated swells, who as usual were disport- 
 ing themselves in the coffee-room, by bellowing out to 
 the waiter for some Talli-ho sarce to his fish. Before 
 this he had never once spoken of his favourite 
 diversion, and the sportsmen cantered by the window 
 to cover in the morning, and back in the afternoon, 
 without eliciting a single observation from him. The 
 morning after this change for the better, he addressed 
 his companion at breakfast as follows, ' Blow me tight, 
 Mr. York, if I aren't regularly renowated. I'm as fresh 
 as an old hat after a shower of rain. I really thinks I 
 shall get over this terrible illness, for I dreamt of 
 'unting last night, and, if you've a mind, we'll go and 
 see my Lord Segrave's reynard dog, and then start 
 from this 'ere corrupt place, for, you see, it's nothing 
 but a town, and what's the use of sticking oneself in a 
 little pokey lodging like this 'ere, where there really is 
 not room to swing a cat, and paying the deuce knows 
 how much tin, too, when one has a splendid house in 
 Great Coram-street going on all the time, with a 
 rigler establishment of servants and all that sort of 
 thing. Now, you knows, I doesn't grudge a wisit to 
 Margate, though that's a town too, but then, you see, 
 one has the sea to look at, whereas here, it's nothing 
 but a long street with shops, not so good as those in 
 Red Lion-street, with a few small streets branching off 
 from it, and as to the prom-me-nard, as they calls it, 
 aside the Spa, with its trees and garden stuff, why, I'm 
 sure, to my mind, the Clarence gardens up by the 
 Regent's Park are quite as fine. It's true the doctor 
 says I must remain another fortnight to perfect the 
 cure, but then them 'ere M.D.'s, or whatever you calls 
 them, are such rum jockeys, and I always thinks they 
 say one word for the patient and two for themselves. 
 Now, my chap said, I must only take half a bottle o'
 
 THE CHEL TEN HA M DA ND V. 
 
 black Strap a-day at the werry most, whereas I have 
 never had less than a whole one — his half first, as I 
 say, and my own after — and because I tells him I take 
 a pint, he flatters himself his treatment is capital, and 
 that he is a wonderful M.D. ; but as a man can't be 
 better than well, I think we'll just see what there's to 
 be seen in the neighbourhood, and then cut our sticks, 
 and, as I said before, I should like werry much to see 
 my Lord Segrave's hounds, in order that I may judge 
 whether there is anything in the wide world to be 
 compared to the Surrey, for if I remember aright, Mr. 
 Nimrod described them as werry, werry fine, indeed.' 
 
 Having formed this resolution, Jorrocks stamped on 
 the floor (for the bell was broken) for the little boy who 
 did the odd jobs of the house, to bring up his Hessian 
 boots, into which having thrust his great calves and re- 
 placed the old brown great-coat which he uses for a 
 dressing-gown by a superfine Saxony blue, with metal 
 buttons and pockets outside, he pulled his wig straight, 
 stuck his white hat with the green flaps knowingly on 
 his head, and sallied forth for execution as stout a man 
 as ever. Knowing that the kennel is near the Winch- 
 court road, they proceeded in that direction, but after 
 walking about a mile, came on a groom upon a chestnut 
 horse, who, returning from the chase, was wetting his 
 whistle at the appropriate sign of the Fox and Hounds, 
 and who informed them that they had passed the turning 
 for the kennel, but that the hounds were out, and then 
 in a wood which he pointed out on the hill-side about 
 two miles off, into which they had just brought their 
 fox. Looking In that direction, they presently saw the 
 summit of one of the highest of the range of hills that 
 encircles the town of Cheltenham, covered with horse- 
 men and pedestrians, who kept moving backwards and 
 forwards on the ' mountain's brow,' looking in the
 
 112 A WEEK A T CHEL TEN HAM . 
 
 distance more like a flock of sheep than anything else. 
 Jorrocks, being all right again and up to anything, 
 proposed a start to the wood, and though he thought 
 they should hardly reach it before the hounds either 
 killed their fox or he broke away again, they agreed to 
 take the chance, and away they went, ' best leg first ' 
 as the saying is. The cover (Queen Wood by name, 
 and, as Jorrocks found out from somebody, the property 
 of Lord Ellenborough) being much larger than it at 
 first appeared, and the fox but a bad one, they were in 
 lots of time, and having toiled to the top of the wood, 
 Jorrocks swaggered in among the horsemen with all 
 the importance of an Alderman. For full an hour 
 after they got there the hounds kept running in cover, 
 the fox being repeatedly viewed and the pack con- 
 tinually pressing him. Once or twice he came out, but 
 after skirting the cover's edge a few yards, turned in 
 aeain. Indeed, there were two foxes on foot, one 
 being a three-legged one, and it was extraordinary how 
 he went and stood before hounds, going apparently 
 very cautiously and stopping every now and then to 
 listen. At last a thundering old grey-backed fellow 
 went away before the whole field, making for the steep 
 declivities that lead into the downs, and though the 
 brow of the hill was covered with foot people who 
 holloa'd and shouted enough to turn a lion, he wojild 
 make his point, and only altering his course so as to 
 avoid running right among the mob, he gained the 
 summit of the hill and disappeared. This hill, being 
 uncommonly steep, was a breather for hounds that had 
 been running so long as they had, in a thick cover too, 
 and neither they nor the horses went at it with any 
 ofreat dash. The fox was not a fellow to be cauQ-ht 
 very easily, and nothing but a good start could have 
 given them any chance, but the hounds never got well
 
 THE CHEL TENHA M DA ND Y. 113 
 
 settled to the scent, and after a fruitless cast his Lord- 
 ship gave it up, and Jorrocks and Co. trudged back to 
 Cheltenham, J. highly delighted at so favourable an 
 opportunity of seeing the hounds. Indeed, so pleased 
 was he with the turn-out and the whole thing, that 
 finding from Skinner, one of the whippers-in, that they 
 met on the following morning at Purge Down-turnpike, 
 in their best country, forgetting all about his indigestion 
 and the Royal Spa, he went to Newman and Long- 
 ridge, the horse dealers and livery-stable keepers, and 
 engaged a couple of nags to ' look at the hounds upon,' 
 as he impressed upon their minds, which he ordered to 
 be ready at nine o'clock. 
 
 This clay he proposed to give the landlord of the 
 George Inn, in the High-street, the benefit of his rapa- 
 cious appetite, and about five o'clock (his latest London 
 hour) they sat down to dinner. The George is neither 
 exactly a swell house like the Royal Hotel or the 
 plough, nor yet a Commercial one, but something 
 betwixt and between. The coffee-room is very small, 
 consequently all the frequenters are drawn together, 
 and if a conversation is started a man must be deuced 
 unsociable that does- not join in the cry. 
 
 As three or four were sittino- round the fire chattinof 
 over their tipple, and Jorrocks was telling some of his 
 best bouncers, the door opened and a waiter bowed a 
 fresh animal into the cage, who, after eyeing the party, 
 took off his hat and forthwith proceeded to pull off 
 divers neck-cloths, cloaks, great-coats, muffitees, until 
 he reduced himself to about half the size he was on 
 entering. He was a little square-built old man, witli 
 white hair and plenty of it, a long stupid red face with 
 little pig eyes, a very long awkward body, and very 
 short leofs. He was dressed in a blue coat, buff waist- 
 coat, a sort of baggy gray or thunder-and-lightning 
 
 I
 
 1 14 A WEEK A T CHEL TEN HAM : 
 
 trousers, over which he had buttoned a pair of long 
 black gaiters. Having ' peeled,' he rubbed his hands 
 and blew upon them, as much as to say, ' now, gentle- 
 men, won't you let me have a smell of the fire ? ' and, 
 accordingly, by a sort of military revolution, they made 
 a place for him right in the centre. 
 
 ' Coldish night, I reckon, sir,' said Jorrocks, looking 
 him over. 
 
 ' Very cold indeed, very cold indeed,' answered he, 
 rubbing his elbows against his ribs, and stamping with 
 his feet. ' I've just got off the top of the Liverpool 
 coach, and, I can assure ji'^//;, it's very cold riding out- 
 side a coach all day long — however, I always say that 
 its better than being inside, though, indeed, it's very 
 little that I trouble coaches at all in the course of the 
 year — generally travel in my oiun carriage, only my 
 family have it with them in Bristol now, where I'm 
 going to join them ; but I'm well used to the elements, 
 hunting, shooting, and fishing, as I do constantly.' 
 
 This latter announcement made Jorrocks rouse up, 
 and finding himself in the company of a sportsman, 
 and one too who travelled in his own carriage, he 
 assumed a different tone and commenced on a fresh 
 tack — ' And pray, may I make bold to inquire what 
 country you hunts in, sir ? ' said he. 
 
 ' Oh ! I live in Cheshire — Mainwaring's country, but 
 Melton's the place I chiefly hunt at, — know all the 
 fellows there ; rare set of dogs, to be sure, — only 
 country worth hunting in, to my mind.' 
 
 Jorrocks. Rigler swells, though, the chaps, aren't 
 they ? Recollect one swell of a fellow coming with 
 his upper lip all over fur into our country, thinking to 
 astonish our weak minds, but I reckon we told him 
 out. 
 
 Stranger. What ! you hunt, do you ?
 
 THE CHEL TEN HA M DA ND V. 115 
 
 yorrocks. A few — you've perhaps heard tell of the 
 Surrey 'unt ? 
 
 Stranger. Cocktail affair, isn't it ? 
 
 yorrocks. No such tJiin^^ I assure yoic. Cocktail 
 indeed ! I likes that.' 
 
 Stranger. Well, but it's not what we calls a fast- 
 coach. 
 
 yorrocks. I doesn't know wot yoti calls a fast-coach, 
 but if you've a mind to make a match, I'll bet you a 
 hat, ay, or half a dozen hats, that I'll find a fellow to 
 take the conceit out o' any o' your Meltonians. 
 
 Stranger. Oh ! I don't doubt but you have some 
 good men among you ; I'm sure I didn't mean any- 
 thing offensive, by asking if it was a cocktail affair, 
 but we Meltonians certainly have a trick, I must 
 confess, of running every other country down ; come, 
 sir, I'll drink the Surrey hunt with all my heart, said 
 he, swigging off the remains of a glass of brandy-and- 
 water which the waiter had brought him shortly after 
 entering. 
 
 yorrocks. Thank you, sir, kindly. Waiter, bring 
 me a bottom o' brandy, cold, without — and don't stint 
 for quantity, if you please. Doesn't you think these 
 inns werry expensive places, sir } I doesn't mean this 
 in particular, but inns in general. 
 
 Stranger. Oh ! I don't know, sir. We must expect 
 to pay. ' Live and let live,' is my motto. I always 
 pay my inn bills without looking them over. Just cast 
 my eyes at the bottom to see the amount, then call for 
 pen and ink, add so much for waiter, so much for 
 chamber-maid, so much for boots, and if I'm travelling 
 in my own carriage so much for the ostler for greasing. 
 That's the way / do business, sir. 
 
 yorrocks. Well, sir, a werry pleasant plan too, 
 especially for the inn-keeper— and all werry right for a
 
 1 1 6 A WEEK A T CHEL TEN HAM . 
 
 gentleman of fortune like 'you. My motto, however, 
 is ' Waste not, want not,' and my wife's father's motto 
 was ' Wilful waste brings woeful want,' and I likes to 
 have my money's worth, — Now, said he, pulling out 
 a handful of bills, at some places that I go to they 
 charges me six shillings a-day for my dinner, and when 
 I was ill and couldn't digest nothing but the lightest 
 and plainest of breakfasts, when a fork breakfast in fact 
 would have made a stiff 'un of me, and my muffin mill 
 was almost stopped, they charged me two shillings for 
 one cake, and sixpence for two eggs. — Now, I'm in the 
 tea trade myself, you must know, and I contend that 
 as things go, or at least as things went before the 
 Barbarian eye, as they call Napier, kicked up a row 
 with the Hong merchants, it's altogether a shameful 
 imposition, and I wonder people put up with it. 
 
 Stranger. Oh, sir, I don't know. I think that it is 
 the charge all over the country. Besides it doesn't do 
 to look too closely at these things, and you must allow 
 something for keeping up the coffee-room, you know^ — 
 fire, candles, and so on. 
 
 Jorrocks. But blow me tight, you surely don't want 
 a candle to breakfast by ? However, I contends that 
 inn-keepers are great fools for making these sort of 
 charges, for it makes people get out of their houses as 
 quick as ever they can, whereas they might be inclined 
 to stay if they could get things moderate. — For my 
 part I likes a coffee-room, but having been used to 
 commercial houses when I travelled, I knows what the 
 charges ought to be. Now, this room is snug enough, 
 though small, and won't require no great keeping up. 
 
 Stranger. No — but this room is smaller than the 
 o-enerality of them, you know. They frequently have 
 two fires in them, besides no end of oil burning — I 
 know the expense of these things, for I have a ver)-
 
 THE CM EL TENHAM DANDY. 117 
 
 large house in the country, and rely upon it, inn-keepers 
 have not such immense profits as many people imagines 
 — but, as I said before, ' live and let live.' 
 
 yorrocks. So says I, ' live and let live ' — but wot I 
 complains of is, that some inn-keepers charge so much 
 that they won't lei people live. No man is fonder of 
 eating than myself, but I don't like to pay by the 
 mouthful, or yet to drink tea at so much a thimbleful. 
 By the way, Sai^, if you are not previously engaq-ed, I 
 should be werry happy to supply you with red Mocho 
 or best Twankay at a very reasonable figure indeed for 
 cash } 
 
 Slraiiger, Thank you, sir, thank you. Those are 
 things I never interfere with — leave all these thino-s to 
 my people. My housekeeper sends me in her book 
 every quarter day, with an account of what she pays. 
 I just look at the amount — add so much for wages, and 
 write a cheque — ' live and let live ! ' say I. However, 
 added he, pulling out his watch, and ringing the bell 
 for the chambermaid, ' I hate to get up very early, so I 
 think it is time to go to bed, and I wish you a very 
 good night, gentlemen all.' 
 
 Jorrocks gets up, advances half way to the door, 
 makes him one of his most obsequious bows, and 
 wishes him a werry good night. Having heard him 
 tramp upstairs and safely deposited in his bed-room, 
 they pulled their chairs together again, and making a 
 smaller circle round the fire, proceeded to canvass their 
 departed friend. Jorrocks began — ' I say, wot a reoular 
 swell the chap is — a Meltonian, too — I wonders who 
 the deuce he is. Wish Mr. Nimrod was among us, he 
 could tell us all about him, I daresay. I'm blowed if 
 I didn't take him for a commercial gentleman at first, 
 until he spoke about his carriages. I likes to see 
 gentlemen of fortune making themselves sociable by
 
 1 1 8 A WEEK AT CHEL TENHA M : 
 
 coming into the coffee-room, instead of sticking them- 
 selves up in private sitting-rooms, as if nobody was 
 good enough for them. You know Melton, Mr. York; 
 did you ever see the gentleman out ? ' 
 
 ' I can't say that I ever did,' said his friend, ' but 
 people look so different in their red coats to what they 
 do in mufti, that there's no such thing as recognizing 
 them unless you had a previous acquaintance with 
 them. The fields in Leicestershire are sometimes so 
 large that it requires a residence to get anything like a 
 general knowledge of the hunt, and, you know, North- 
 amptonshire's the country for my money, after Surrey, 
 of course.' 
 
 ' I don't think he is a gentleman,' observed a thin, 
 sallow-complexioned young man, who, sitting on one 
 side of the fire, had watched the stranger very narrowly 
 without joining in the conversation. ' He gives me 
 more the idea of a gentleman's servant, acting the part 
 of master, than anything else.' 
 
 yorrocks. Oh! he isa^^;2//(?;;^^72, I'm sure — besides, 
 a servant wouldn't travel in a carriage, you know, and 
 he talked about greasing the wheels and all that sort of 
 thing, which showed he was familiar with the thing. 
 
 ' That's very true,' replied the youth — ' but a servant 
 may travel in the rumble and pay for greasing the 
 wheels all the same, or perhaps have to grease them 
 himself.' 
 
 ' Well, I should say that he's a foolish, purse-proud 
 sort of fellow,' observed another, ' who has come into 
 money unexpectedly, and who likes to be the cock of 
 his party, and show off a little.' 
 
 Jorrocks. I'll be bound to say you're all wrong — 
 you are not fox-hunters, you see, or you would know 
 that that is a way the sportsmen have — we always make 
 ourselves at home and asfreeable — have a word for
 
 THE CM EL TEN HA M DA ND Y. 119 
 
 everybody in fact, and no reserve ; besides, you see, 
 there was nothing gammonacious, as I calls it, about 
 his toggery, no round-cut coats with sporting buttons, 
 or coaches and four, or foxes for pins in his shirt. 
 
 ' I don't care for that,' replied the sallow youth ; 
 ' dress him as you will, court suit, bag wig, and sword, 
 you'll make nothing better of him — he's a Snob.' 
 
 Jorrocks, getting up, runs to the table on which the 
 hats were standing, saying, ' I wonder if he's left his 
 castor behind him } I've always found a man's hat will 
 tell a good deal. This is yours, Mr. York, with the 
 loop to it, and here's mine — I always writes Golgotha 
 in mine, which being interpreted, you know, means the 
 place of a skull. These are yours, I presume, gentle- 
 men ? ' said he, taking up two others. Confound him, 
 he's taken his tile with him — however, I'm quite posi- 
 tive he's a gentleman — lay you a hat apiece all round 
 he is, if you like ? ' 
 
 ' But how are we to prove it ? ' inquired the youth. 
 
 jforrocks. Call in the waiter. 
 
 Youth. He may know nothing about him, and a 
 waiter's gentleman is always the man who pays him 
 most. 
 
 Jorrocks. Trust the waiter for knowing something 
 about him, and if he doesn't, why, it's only to send a 
 ipurVitQ message up-stairs, saying that two gentlemen in 
 the coffee-room have bet a trifle that he is some noble- 
 man — Lord Maryborough, for instance — he's a little 
 chap — but we must make haste, or the gentleman will 
 be asleep. 
 
 ' Well, then, I'll take your bet of a hat,' replied the 
 youth, ' that he is not what / call a gentleman.' 
 
 Jorrocks. I don't know what j'^2/ calls a gentleman. 
 I'll lay you a hat, a guinea one, either white or black, 
 whichever you like, but none o' your dog hairs or
 
 ./ WEEK AT CHELTENHAM : 
 
 o-ossamers, mind — that he's a man of dibs, and doesn't 
 follow no trade or calling, and if that isn't a gentleman, 
 I don't know wot is. What say you, Mr. York ? 
 
 ' Suppose we put it thus — You bet this gentleman a 
 hat that he's a Meltonian, which will comprise all the 
 rest.' 
 
 Jorrocks. Werry well put. Do you take me, sir ? 
 A guinea hat against a guinea hat. 
 
 ' I do,' said the youth. 
 
 Join^ocks. Then done — now ring the bell for the 
 waiter — I'll pump him. 
 
 Enter waiter. 
 
 Jorrocks. Snaff them candles, if you please, and 
 bring me another bottom o' brandy-cold, without — 
 and, waiter ! here, pray who is that ge7itleman that came 
 in by the Liverpool coach to-night ? The little gentle- 
 man in long black gaiters who sat in this chair, you 
 know, and had some brandy-and-water. 
 
 Waiter. I know who you mean, sir, quite well, the 
 gentleman who's just gone to bed. Let me see, what's 
 
 his name ? He keeps that large Hotel in street, 
 
 Liverpool — what's the — Here an immense burst of 
 lauiihter drowned the remainder of the sentence. 
 
 Jorrocks rose in a rage. * No! you double- distilled 
 blockhead,' said he, ' no such thing — you're thinking of 
 some one else. The gentleman hunts at Melton Mow- 
 bray, and travels in his own carriage.' 
 
 Waiter. I don't know nothing about Melton Mow- 
 bray, sir, but the last time he came through here on his 
 road to Bristol, he was in one of his own rattle-trap 
 yellows, and had such a load — his wife, a nurse, and 
 eight children inside ; himself, his son, and an apple- 
 tree on the dickey — that the horses knocked up half 
 way and 
 
 Jorrocks. Say no more — say no more — d — n his
 
 THE CHELTENHAM DANDY. 
 
 teeth and toe-nails — and that' s swearing — a thing I 
 never do but on the most outrageous occasions. Con- 
 founded humbug, I'll be upsides with him, however. 
 Waiter, bring the bill and no more brandy. Never was 
 so done in all my life — a gammonacious fellow ! 
 
 * There, sir, there's your one pound one,' said he, hand- 
 ing a sovereign and a shilling to the winner of the hat. 
 
 * Give me my tile, and let's mizzle. — Waiter, I can't 
 wait ; must bring the bill up to my lodgings in the 
 morning if it isn't ready. — Come away, come away — I 
 shall never sret over this as lone as ever I live. " Live 
 and let live," indeed ! no wonder he stuck up for the 
 inn-keepers — a publican and a sinner as he is. Good 
 night, gentlemen, good night.' 
 
 Exit yorrocks.
 
 No. VII. 
 AQUATICS: 
 
 MR. JORROCKS AT MARGATE. 
 
 The shady side of Cheapside had become a luxury, 
 and footmen in red plush breeches objects of real com- 
 miseration, when Mr. Jorrocks, tired of the heat and 
 ' ungrateful hurry of the town,' resolved upon under- 
 taking an aquatic excursion. He was sitting, as is ' his 
 custom always in the afternoon,' in the arbour at the 
 further end of his gravel walk, which he dignifies by 
 the name of * garden,' and had just finished a rough 
 mental calculation, as to whether he could eat more 
 bread -spread with jam or honey, when the idea of the 
 jaunt entered his imagination. Being a man of great 
 decision, he speedily winnowed the project over in his 
 mind, and producing a five-pound note from the fob of 
 his small-clothes, passed it in review between his fingers, 
 rubbed out the creases, held it up to the light, refolded 
 and restored it to his fob. ' Batsay,' cried he, ' bring 
 my castor — the white one as hangs next the blue cloak ;' 
 and forthwith a rough-napped, unshorn-looking, white 
 hat was transferred from the peg to ]\Ir. Jorrocks's head. 
 This done, he proceeded to the Piazza, where he found 
 the Yorkshireman exercising himself up and down the 
 spacious coffee-room, and, grasping his hand with the 
 firmness of a vice, he forthwith began unburthening 
 himself of the object of his mission. ' 'Ow are you ? ' 
 said he, shaking his arm like the handle of a pump,
 
 MR. JORROCKS AT MARGATE. 
 
 ' 'Ow are you, I say ? — I'm so delighted to see you, ye 
 carn't think- — isn't this charminof weather ! It makes 
 me feel like a butterfly — really think the 'air is sprout- 
 ing under my vig.' Here he took off" his wig and 
 rubbed his hand over his bald head, as though he were 
 feeling for the shoots. 
 
 ' Now to business — Mrs. J. is away at Tooting, as 
 you perhaps know, and I'm all alone in Great Coram- 
 street, with the key of the cellar, larder, and all that 
 sort of thing, and I've a very great mind to be off" on 
 a jaunt — what say you?' 'Not the slightest objection,' 
 replied the Yorkshireman, 'on the old principle of you 
 finding cash, and me finding company.' ' Why, now 
 I'll tell you, werry honestly, that I should prefer your 
 paying your own shot; but, however, if you've a mind 
 to do as I do, I'll let you stand in the half of a five- 
 pound note and whatever silver I have in my pocket,' 
 pulling out a great handful as he spoke, and counting 
 up thirty-two and sixpence. * Very good,' replied the 
 Yorkshireman when he had finished, 'I'm your man; 
 — and not to be behindhand in point of liberality, I've 
 got threepence that I received in change at the cigar 
 divan just now, which I will add to the common stock, 
 so that we shall have six pounds twelve and ninepence 
 between us.' 'Between us !' exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 ' now that's so like a Yorkshireman. I declare you 
 Northerns seem to think all the world are asleep 
 except yourselves; howsomever, I von't quarrel with 
 you — you're a goodish sort of chap in your way, and 
 so long as I keep the swag, we carn't get far wrong. 
 Well, then, to-morrow at two we'll start for Margate — 
 the most delightful place in all the world, where we 
 will have a rare jollification, and can stay just as long 
 as the money holds out. So now good-bye — I'm off" 
 home again to see about wittles for the woyage.'
 
 124 AQUATICS: 
 
 It were almost superfluous to mention that the fol- 
 lowing day was a Saturday, — for no discreet citizen 
 would think of leaving town on any other. It dawned 
 with uncommon splendour, and the cocks of Coram- 
 street and adjacent parts seem.ed to hail the morn with 
 more than their wonted energy. Never, save on a 
 hunting morning, did Mr. Jorrocks tumble about in 
 bed with such restless anxiety, as cock after cock took 
 up the crow in every gradation of noise, from the shrill 
 note of the free street-scouring chanticleer before the 
 door, to the faint response of the cooped and prisoned 
 victims of the neigbouring poulterer, their efforts 
 being aided by the flutterings and impertinent chir- 
 ruping of swarms of town-bred sparrows. 
 
 At length the boy, Binjimin, tapped at his master's 
 door, and, depositing his can of shaving water on his 
 dressing-table, took away his coat and waistcoat, 
 under pretence of brushing them, but in reality to feel , 
 if he had left any pence in the pockets. With -pleasure 
 Mr. Jorrocks threw aside the bed-clothes, and bounded 
 upon the floor with a bump that shook his own and 
 adjoining houses. On this day a few extra minutes 
 were devoted to his toilet, one or two of which were 
 expended in adjusting a gold fox-head pin in a con- 
 spicuous part of his white tie, and in drawing on a pair 
 of new dark blue stocking-net pantaloons, made so 
 excessively tight that, at starting, any of his Newmarket 
 friends would have laid three to two against his ever 
 getting into them at all. When on, however, they 
 fully developed the substantial proportions of his well- 
 rounded limbs, while his large-tasselled Hessians 
 showed that the boot-maker had been instructed to 
 make a pair for a 'great calf.' A blue coat, with 
 metal buttons, ample laps, and pockets outside, with 
 a handsome buff kerseymere waistcoat, formed his
 
 MR. yORROCKS AT MARGATE. 125 
 
 costume on this occasion. Breakfast being over, he 
 repaired to St. Botolph-lane, there to see his letters and 
 look after his commercial affairs ; in which the reader 
 not being interested, we will allow the Yorkshireman 
 to figure a little. 
 
 About half-past one this enterprising young man 
 placed himself in Tommy Sly's wherry at the foot of 
 the Savoy stairs, and not agreeing in opinion with 
 Mr. Jorrocks that it is of ' no use keeping a dog and 
 barking oneself,' he took an oar and helped to row 
 himself down to London Bridge. At the wharf 
 below the bridge there lay a magnificent steamer, 
 painted pea-green and white, with flags flying from her 
 masts, and the deck swarming with smart bonnets and 
 bodices. Her name was the Royal Adelaide, from 
 which the sao-acious reader will infer that this excur- 
 sion was made durincr the late reio"n. The Yorkshire- 
 man and Tommy Sly having wormed their way among 
 the boats, were at length brought up within one of the 
 vessels, and after lying on their oars a few seconds, 
 they were attracted by, ' Now, sir, are you going to 
 sleep there?' addressed to a rival nautical whose boat 
 obstructed the way, and on looking up on deck what a 
 sight burst upon the Yorkshireman's astonished vision! 
 — Mr. Jorrocks, with his coat off, and a fine green 
 velvet cap or turban, with a broad gold band and 
 tassel, on his head, hoisting a great hamper out of the 
 wherry, rejecting all offers of assistance, and treating 
 the laughter and jeers of the porters and by-standers 
 with ineffable contempt. At length he placed the load 
 to his liking, and putting on his coat, adjusted his 
 hunting telescope, and advanced to the side, as the 
 Yorkshireman mounted the step-ladder and came upon 
 deck. 'Werry near being over late,' said he, pulling 
 out his .watch, just at which moment the last bell
 
 126 AQUATICS: 
 
 rang, and a few strokes of the paddles sent the vessel 
 away from the quay. 'A miss is as good as a mile,' 
 replied the Yorkshireman . ' But pray what have you 
 got in the hamper?' 
 
 'In the 'amper! Why, wittles to be sure. You seem 
 to forget we are going a woyage, and 'ow keen the sea 
 air is. I've brought a knuckle of weal, half a ham, beef, 
 sarsingers, chickens, sherry white, and all that sort of 
 thing, and werry acceptable they'll be by the time we 
 get to the Nore, or may be before. 
 
 'Ease her! Stop her I' cried the captain through his 
 trumpet, just as the vessel was getting into her stride 
 in mid-stream, and, with true curiosity, the passengers 
 flocked to the side, to see what was coming, though 
 they could not possibly have examined half they had 
 on board. Mr. Jorrocks, of course, was not behind- 
 hand in inquisitiveness, and proceeded to adjust his 
 telescope. A wherry was seen rowing among the 
 craft, containing the boatman and a gentleman in a 
 woolly white hat, with a bright pea-green coat, and a 
 basket on his knee. 'By Jingo, here's Jemmy Green!' 
 exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, taking his telescope from his 
 eye, and giving his thigh a hearty slap. ' How un- 
 kimmon lucky ! The werry man of all others I should 
 most like to see. You know James Green, don't you?' 
 addressing the Yorkshireman — 'young James Green, 
 junior, of Tooley-street — everybody knows him — most 
 agreeable young man in Christendom — fine warbler — 
 beautiful dancer — everything that a young man 
 should be. 
 
 ' How are you, James?' cried Jorrocks, seizing him 
 by the hand as his friend stepped upon deck; but 
 whether it was the nervousness occasioned by the 
 rocking of the wherry, or the shaking of the step- 
 ladder up the side of the steamer, or Mr. Jorrocks's
 
 MR. JORROCKS AT MARGATE. 127 
 
 new turban cap, Mr. Green, with an old-maidish 
 reserve, drew back from the proffered embrace of his 
 friend. * You have the adwantage of me, sir,' said he, 
 fidgeting back as he spoke, and eyeing Mr. Jorrocks 
 with unmeasured surprise — * Yet stay, — if I'm not 
 deceived it's Mr. Jorrocks, — so it is!' and thereupon 
 they joined hands most cordially, amid exclamations 
 of ' 'Ow are you, J . ? ' ' 'Ow are you, G. ? ' ' 'Ow are 
 you, J.?' 'So glad to see you, J.' 'So glad to see 
 you, G.' 'So glad to see you, J.' 'And pray what 
 may you have in your basket?' inquired Mr. Jorrocks, 
 putting his hand to the bottom of a neat little green- 
 and-white willow woman's basket, apparently for the 
 purpose of ascertaining its weight. ' Only my clothes, 
 and a little prowision for the woyage. A baked 
 pigeon, some cold macaroni, and a few pectoral 
 lozenges. At the bottom are my Margate shoes, with 
 a comb in one, and a razor in t'other; then comes the 
 prog, and at the top I've a dickey and a clean front 
 for to-morrow. I abominates travellino; with much 
 luggage. Where, I ax, is the use of carrying night- 
 caps, when the innkeepers always prowide them, with- 
 out extra charge ? The same with regard to soap. 
 Shave, I say, with what you find In your tray. A wet 
 towel makes an excellent tooth-brush, and a penknife 
 both cuts and cleans your nails. Perhaps you'll present 
 your friend to me,' added he in the same breath, 
 with a glance at the Yorkshireman, upon whose 
 arm Mr. Jorrocks was resting his telescope hand. 
 ' Much pleasure,' replied Mr. Jorrocks, with his usual 
 urbanity. ' Allow me to introduce Mr. Stubbs, Mr. 
 Green, Mr. Green, Mr. Stubbs ; now pray shake 
 hands,' added he, 'for I'm sure you'll be werry fond of 
 each other;' and thereupon Jemmy, In the most patro- 
 nizing manner, extended his two forefingers to the
 
 128 A (2U A TICS: 
 
 Yorkshireman, who presented him with one in return. 
 For the information of such of our readers as may never 
 have seen Mr. James Green, senior junior, either in 
 Tooley-street, Southwark, where the patronymic name 
 abounds, or at Messrs. Tattersall's, where he generally 
 exhibits on a Monday afternoon, we may premise, that 
 though a little man in stature, he is a great man in 
 mind and a great swell in costume. On the present 
 occasion, as already stated, he had on a woolly white 
 hat, his usual pea-green coat, with a fine, four-frilled 
 front to his shirt, embroidered, plaited, and puckered, 
 like a lady's habit-shirt, Down the front were three 
 or four different sorts of studs, and a butterfly brooch, 
 made of various coloured glasses, sat in the centre. 
 His cravat was of a yellow silk with a flowered border, 
 confining gills sharp and pointed that looked up his 
 nostrils ; his double-breasted waistcoat was of red and 
 yellow tartan with blue glass post-boy buttons ; and his 
 trousers, which were very wide and cut out over the 
 foot of rusty-black chamois-leather opera-boots, were 
 of a broad blue stripe upon a white ground. A curly, 
 bushy, sandy-coloured wig protruded from the sides of 
 his woolly white hat, and shaded a vacant countenance, 
 which formed the frontispiece of a great chuckle head. 
 Sky-blue gloves and a stout cane, with large tassels, 
 completed the rigging of this Borough dandy. Alto- 
 gether he was as fine as any peacock, and as vain as 
 the proudest. 
 
 ' And 'ow is Mrs. J.?' inquired Green with the 
 utmost affability — ' I hope she's uncommon well — 
 pray, is she of your party?' looking round. 'Why, 
 no,' replied Mr. Jorrocks, 'she's off at Tooting at her 
 mother's, and I'm just away, on the sly, to stay a five- 
 pound at Margate this delightful weather. 'Ow long 
 do you remain?' ' Oh, only till Monday morning — I
 
 MR. JORROCKS AT MARGATE. 129 
 
 goes every Saturday ; in fact,' added he in an under- 
 tone, 'I've a season-ticket, so I may just as well use 
 it, as stay poking in Tooley-street with the old folks, 
 who really are so uncommon glumpy, that it's quite 
 refreshing to get away from them.' 
 
 ' That's a pity,' replied Mr. Jorrocks, with one of his 
 benevolent looks. ' But 'ow comes it, James, you are 
 not married ? You are not a bouy now, and should be 
 looking out for a home of your own.' * True, my dear 
 J., true,' replied Mr. Green ; ' and I'll tell you wot, our 
 principal book-keeper and I have made many calcula- 
 tions on the subject, and being a man of literature like 
 yourself, he gave it as his opinion, the last time we 
 talked the matter over, that it would only be avoiding 
 Silly and running into Crab-beds : which I presume 
 means Quod or the Bench. Unless he can have a wife 
 " made to order," he says he'll never wed. Besides, 
 the women are such a bothersome encroaching set. I 
 declare I'm so pestered with them that I don't know 
 vich vay to turn. They are always tormenting of me. 
 Only last week one sent me a specification of what 
 she'd marry me for, and I declare her dress, alone, came 
 to more than I have to find myself in clothes, ball and 
 concert tickets, keep an 'oss, go to theatres, buy lozen- 
 ges, letter-paper, and everything else with. There 
 were bumbazeens, and challies, and merinos, and crape, 
 and gauze, and dimity, and caps, bonnets, stockings, 
 shoes, boots, rigids, stays, ringlets ; and, would you 
 believe it, she had the unspeakable audacity to include 
 a bustle ! It was the most monstrous specification 
 and proposal I ever read, and I returned it by the 
 two-penny post, axing her if she hadn't forgotten to 
 include a set of false teeth. Still, I confess, I'm tired 
 of Tooley-street. I feel that I have a soul above hemp, 
 and was intended for a brighter sphere ; but vot can 
 
 K
 
 I30 ■ AQUATICS: 
 
 one do, cooped up at home without men of henergy for 
 companions ? No prospect of improvement either ; 
 for I left our old gentleman alarmingly well just now, 
 pulling about the flax and tow, as though his dinner 
 depended upon his exertions. I think if the women 
 would let me alone, I might have some chance, but it 
 worries a man of sensibility and refinement to have 
 them always tormenting of one. I've no objection to 
 be led, but, dash my buttons, / vou't be driven! ' Cer- 
 tainly not,' replied Mr. Jorrocks, with great gravity, 
 jingling the silver in his breeches-pocket. ' It's an old 
 saying, James, and time proves it true, that you may 
 take an 'oss to the water but you carn't make him drink 
 — and talking of 'osses, pray, how are you off in f/m^ 
 line ? ' ' Oh, werry well- — uncommon, I may say — a 
 thorough-bred, bang tail down to the hocks, by 
 Phantom, out of Baron Munchausen's dam — gave a 
 hatful of money for him at Tatt.'s--five fives — a deal 
 of tin as times go. But he's a perfect 'oss, I assure you 
 — bright bay with four black legs, and never a white 
 hair upon him. He's touched in the vind, but that's 
 nothing — I'm not a fox-hunter, you know, Mr. Jorrocks; 
 besides, I find the music he makes werry useful in the 
 streets, as a warning to the old happle women to get 
 out of the wa)^ Pray, sir,' turning to the Yorkshire- 
 man with a jerk, ' do you dance ? ' — as the boat-band, 
 consisting of a harp, a flute, a lute, a long horn, and a 
 short horn, struck up a quadrille, — and, without waiting 
 for a reply, our hero sidled past, and glided among the 
 crowd that covered the deck. 
 
 * A fine young man, James,' observed Mr. Jorrocks, 
 eyeing Jemmy as he elbowed his way down the boat 
 — ' fine young man — wants a little of his father's ballast, 
 but there's no putting old heads on young shoulders. 
 He's a beautiful dancer,' added Mr. Jorrocks, putting
 
 MR. JORROCKS A T MARGA TE. 
 
 his arm through the Yorkshireman's, ' let's go and see 
 him foot it.' Having worked their way down, they at 
 length got near the dancers, and mounting a ballast 
 box had a fine view of the quadrille. There were eight 
 or ten couple at work, and Jemmy had chosen a fat, 
 dumpy, red-faced girl, in a bright orange-coloured 
 muslin gown, with black velvet Vandyked flounces, 
 and green boots — a sort of walking sunflower, with 
 whom he was pointing his toe, kicking out behind, and 
 pirouetting with great energy and agility. His male 
 vis-a-vis was a waistcoatless young Daniel Lambert, in 
 white ducks and a blue dress-coat, with a carnation in 
 his mouth, who, with a damsel in ten colours, reel'd to 
 and fro in humble imitation. ' Green for ever ! ' cried 
 Mr. Jorrocks, taking ofT his velvet cap, and waving it en- 
 couragingly over his head. ' Green for ever ! Go it, 
 Grccji!' and, accordingly. Green went it with redoubled 
 vigour, ' Wiggins for ever ! ' responded a female voice 
 opposite, * / say, Wiggins I ' which was followed by a 
 loud clapping of hands, as the fat gentleman made an 
 astonishing step. Each had his admiring applauders, 
 though Wiggins ' had the call ' among the ladies — the 
 opposition voice that put him in nomination proceeding 
 from the mother of his partner, who, like her daughter, 
 was a sort of walking pattern-book. The spirit of 
 emulation lasted throughout the quadrille, after which. 
 Sunflower in hand. Green traversed the deck to receive 
 the compliments of the company. 
 
 ' You must be 'ungry,' observed Mr. Jorrocks, with 
 great politeness to the lady, 'after all your exertions,* 
 as the latter stood mopping herself with a coarse linen 
 handkerchief — ' pray, James, bring your partner to our 
 'amper, and let me offer her some refreshment,' which 
 was one word for the Sunflower and two for himself, 
 the sea-breeze having made Mr. Jorrocks what he
 
 132 AQUATICS: 
 
 called ' unkimmon peckish.' The hamper was speedily- 
 opened, the knuckle of weal, the half ham, the aitch 
 bone of beef, the Dorking sausages (made in Drury- 
 lane), the chickens, and some dozen or two of plovers' 
 eggs ; were exhibited, while Green, with disinterested 
 generosity, added his baked pigeon and cold macaroni 
 to the common stock. A vigorous attack was speedily 
 commenced, and was kept up, with occasional interrup- 
 tions by Green running away to dance, until they hove 
 in sight of Heme Bay, which caused an interruption to 
 a very interesting lecture on wines, that Mr. Jorrocks 
 was in the act of delivering, which went to prove that 
 port and sherry were the parents of all wines, port the 
 father, and sherry the mother ; and that Bluecellas, 
 Hock, Burgundy, Claret, Teneriffe, Madeira, were 
 made by the addition of water, vinegar, and a few 
 chemical ingredients, and that of all ' humbugs,' pale 
 sherry was the greatest, being neither more nor less 
 than brown sherry watered. Mr. Jorrocks then set to 
 work to pack up the leavings in the hamper, observing 
 as he proceeded, that wilful waste brought woeful want, 
 and that 'waste not, want not,' had ever been the motto 
 of the Jorrocks family. 
 
 It was nearly eight o'clock ere the Royal Adelaide 
 touched the point of the far-famed Margate jetty, a 
 fact that was announced as well by the usual bump, 
 and scuttle to the side to get out first, as by the band 
 striking up ' God save the King,' and the mate demand- 
 ing the tickets of the passengers. The sun had just 
 dropped beneath the horizon, and the gas-lights of the 
 town had been considerately lighted to show him to bed, 
 for the day was yet in the full vigour of life and light. 
 
 Two or three other cargoes of cockneys having 
 arrived before, the whole place was in commotion, and 
 the beach swarmed with spectators as anxious to watch
 
 MR. yORROCKS AT MARGATE. 133 
 
 this last disembarkation as they had been to see the 
 first. By a salutary regulation of the sages who watch 
 over the interests of the town, ' all manner of persons ' 
 are prohibited from walking upon the jetty during this 
 ceremony, but the platform of which it is composed 
 being very low, those who stand on the beach, outside 
 the rails, are just about on a right level to shoot their 
 impudence cleverly into the ears of the new-comers, 
 who are paraded along two lines of gaping, quizzing, 
 laughing, joking, jeering citizens, who fire volleys of 
 wit and satire upon them as they pass. ' There's /^^tle 
 Jemmy Green again ! ' exclaimed a nursery-maid with 
 two fat, ruddy children in her arms, * he's a beauty 
 without paint ! ' ' Holloa, Jorrocks, my hearty ! lend us 
 your hand,' cried a brother member of the Surrey Hunt. 
 Then there was a pointing of fingers and cries of 'That's 
 Jorrocks! that's Green!' 'That's Green! that's Jorrocks!' 
 and a murmuring titter, and exclamations of ' There's 
 Simpkins ! how pretty he is ! ' * But there's Wiggins, 
 who's much nicer.' * My eye, what a cauliflower hat 
 Mrs. Thompson's got ! ' ' What a buck young Snooks 
 is!' 'What gummy legs that girl in green has ! ' 'Miss 
 Trotter's bustle's on crooked ! ' from the young ladies 
 at Miss Trimmer's seminary, who were drawn up to 
 show the numerical strength of the academy, and act 
 the part of walking advertisements. These observa- 
 tions were speedily drowned by the lusty lungs of a 
 fly-man bellowing out, as Green passed, ' Holloa! my 
 young brockley-sprout, are you here again ? — now then 
 for the tizzy you owe me, — I have been waiting here 
 for it ever since last Monday morning.' This salute 
 produced an irate look and a shake of his cane from 
 Green, with a mutter of something about ' wtperance', 
 and a wish that he had his big fighting foreman there 
 to thrash him. When they got to the gate at the end
 
 134 AQUATICS: 
 
 the tide of fashion became obstructed by the kissings 
 of husbands and wives, the greetings of fathers and 
 sons, the officiousness of porters, the cries of fly-men, 
 the importunities of inn-keepers, the cards of bathing- 
 women, the salutations of donkey-drivers, the pro- 
 grammes of hbrarians, and the rush and push of the 
 inquisitive ; and the waters of ' comers ' and ' stayers ' 
 mingled in one common flood of indescribable confusion. 
 Mr. Jorrocks, who, hamper in hand, had elbowed his 
 way with persevering resignation, here found himself 
 so beset with friends all anxious to wrino- his dio^its, 
 that, fearful of losing either his bed or his friends, he 
 besought Green to step on to the 'White Hart' and 
 see about accommodation. Accordingly Green ran his 
 fingers through the bushy sides of his yellow wig, 
 jerked up his gills, and with a iiegligd air strutted up to 
 that inn, which, as all frequenters of Margate know, 
 stands near the landing place, and commands a fine 
 view of the harbour. Mr. Creed, the landlord, was 
 airing himself at the door, or, as Shakspeare has it, 
 ' takino- his ease at his inn,' and knowinor Green of old 
 to be a most unprofitable customer, he did not trouble 
 to move his position further than just to draw up one 
 leg so as not wholly to obstruct the passage, and looked 
 at him as much as to say, * I prefer your room to your 
 company.' ' Quite full here, sir,' said he, anticipating 
 Green's question. ' Full, indeed ? ' replied Jemmy, pull- 
 ing up his gills — ' that's werry awkward. Mr. Jorrocks 
 has come down with myself and a friend, and we want 
 accommodation.' ' Mr. Jorrocks, indeed ! ' replied Mr. 
 Creed, altering his tone and manner; ' I'm sure I shall 
 be delighted to receive Mr. Jorrocks — he's one of the 
 oldest customers I have — and one of the best — none of 
 3-our " glass of water and toothpick " gentlemen — real, 
 down-right, black-strap man, likes it hot and strong
 
 MR. JORROCKS AT MARGATE. 135 
 
 from the wood — always pays like a gentleman — never 
 fights about three-pences, like some people I knozo,' look- 
 ing at Jemmy. ' Pray, what rooms may you require?' 
 ' Vy, there's myself, Mr. Jorrocks, and Mr. Jorrocks's 
 other friend — three in all, and we shall want three good, 
 hairy bedrooms.' ' Well, I don't know,' replied Mr. 
 Creed, laughing, ' about their kairmQss, but I can rub 
 them with bear's grease for you.' Jemmy pulled up his 
 gills and was about to reply, when Mr. Jorrocks's 
 appearance interrupted the dialogue. Mr. Creed 
 advanced to receive him, blowing up his porters for 
 not having been down to carry up the hamper, which 
 he took himself and bore to the coifee-room, amid pro- 
 testations of his delight at seeing his worthy visitor. 
 
 Having talked over the changes of Margate, of those 
 that were there, those that were not, and those that 
 were coming, and adverted to the important topic of 
 supper, Mr. Jorrocks took out his yellow and white 
 spotted handkerchief and proceeded to flop his Hessian 
 boots, while Mr. Creed, with his own hands, rubbed 
 him over with a long billiard-table brush. Green, too, 
 put himself in form by the aid of the looking-glass, and 
 these preliminaries being adjusted, the trio sallied forth 
 arm in arm, Mr. Jorrocks occupying the centre. It was 
 a fine, balmy summer evening, the beetles and moths 
 still buzzed and flickered in the air, and the sea rippled 
 against the shingly shore, with a low indistinct murmur 
 that scarcely sounded among the busy hum of men. 
 The shades of night were drawing on — a slight mist 
 hung about the hills, and a silvery moon shed a broad 
 brilliant ray upon the quivering waters ' of the dark 
 blue sea,' and an equal light over the wide expanse of 
 the troubled town. How strange that man should leave 
 the quiet scenes of nature, to mix in myriads of those 
 they profess to quit cities to avoid ! One turn to the
 
 135 AQUATICS: 
 
 shore, and the oras-horhts of the town drew back the 
 party hke moths to the streets, which were hterally 
 swarming with the population. ' Cheapside at three 
 o'clock in the afternoon,' as Mr. Jorrocks observed, was 
 never fuller than Margate streets that evening. All 
 was lighted up — all brilliant and all gay — care seemed 
 banished from every countenance, and pretty faces and 
 smart gowns reigned in its stead. Mr. Jorrocks met 
 with friends and acquaintances at every turn, most of 
 whom asked 'when he came?' and 'when he was going 
 away ? ' Having perambulated the streets, the sound 
 of music attracted Jemmy Green's attention, and our 
 party turned into a long, crowded, and brilliantly-lighted 
 Bazaar, just as the last notes of a barrel-organ at the 
 far end faded away, and a young woman in a hat and 
 feathers, with a swan's-down muff and tippet, was handed 
 by a very smart young man in dirty white Berlin gloves, 
 and an equally soiled white waistcoat, into a sort of 
 orchestra above, where, after the plaudits of the com- 
 pany had subsided, she struck-up 
 
 ' If I had a donkey vot vouldn't go.' 
 
 At the conclusion of the song, and before the com- 
 pany had time to disperse, the same smart young gentle- 
 man — having rehanded the young lady from the orches- 
 tra and pocketed his gloves — ran his fingers through 
 his hair, and announced from that eminence, that the 
 spirited proprietors of the Bazaar were then going to 
 offer for public competition, in the enterprising shape of 
 a raffle, in tickets, at one shilling each, a most magni- 
 ficently genteel, rosewood, general perfume-box, fitted 
 up with cedar and lined with red silk velvet, adorned 
 wath cut-steel clasps at the sides, and a solid, massive, 
 silver name-plate at the top, with a best patent Bramah 
 lock and six chaste and beautifully rich cut-glass bottles, 
 and a plate-glass mirror at the top — a box so splendidly
 
 MR. yORROCKS AT MARGATE. 137 
 
 perfect, so beautifully unique, as alike to defy the powers 
 of praise and the critiques of the envious ; and there- 
 upon he produced a flashy sort of thing that might be 
 worth three and sixpence, for which he modestly 
 required ten subscribers, at a shilling each, adding, 
 * that even with that number the proprietors would incur 
 a werry heavy loss, for which nothing but a boundless 
 sense of gratitude for favours past could possibly recom- 
 pense them.' The youth's eloquence and the glitter of 
 the box reflecting, as it did at every turn, the gas-lights 
 both in its steel and glass, had the desired effect — 
 shillings went down, and tickets went off rapidly, until 
 only three remained. ' Four, five, and ten, are the only 
 numbers now remaining,' observed the youth, running 
 his eye up the list and wetting his pencil In his mouth. 
 ' Four, five, and ten ! ten, four, five ! five, four, ten ! 
 are the only numbers now vacant for this werry genteel 
 and magnificent rosewood perfume-box, lined with 
 red velvet, cut-steel clasps, a silver plate for the name, 
 best patent Bramah lock, and six beautiful rich cut-glass 
 bottles, with a plate-glass mirror in the lid — and only 
 four, five, and ten now vacant! ' ' I'll take ten,' said 
 Green, laying down a shilling. ' Thank you, sir — only 
 four and five now wanting, ladies and gentlemen — ■ 
 pray, be in time — pray, be in time ! This is without 
 exception the most brilliant prize ever offered for public 
 competition. There were only two of these werry 
 elegant boxes made, — the unfortunate mechanic who 
 executed them being carried off by that terrible malady 
 the cholera morbus, — and the other is now in the pos- 
 session of his most Christian Majesty the King of the 
 French. Only four and five wanting to commence 
 throwing for this really perfect specimen of human 
 ingenuity — only four and five ! ' 'I'll take them,' cried 
 Green, throwing down two shillings more — and then
 
 138 AQUATICS. 
 
 the table was cleared — the dice-box produced, and the 
 crowd drew round. * Number one !— who holds number 
 one ? ' inquired the keeper, arranging the paper, and 
 sucking the end of his pencil. A young gentleman in 
 a blue jacket and white trousers ow^ned the lot, and, 
 accordingly, led off the game. The lottery-keeper 
 handed the box, and put in the dice — rattle, rattle, 
 rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, plop, and lift up — seven and 
 four are eleven' — 'now again, if you please, sir,' putting 
 the dice into the box — rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, 
 rattle, plop, and lift up — a loud laugh — ' one and two 
 make three ' — the youth bit his lips ; — rattle, rattle, 
 rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, plop — a pause — and 
 lift up — ' threes! ' — ' six, three, and eleven, are twenty.' 
 ' Now who holds number two ? — what lady or gentle- 
 man holds number two ? Pray, step forward ! ' The 
 Sunflower drew near — Green looked confused — she 
 fixed her eye upon him, half in fear, half in entreaty — 
 \vould he offer to throw for her ? No, by Jove, Green 
 was not so green as all that came to, and he let her 
 shake herself. She threw twenty-two, thereby putting 
 an extinguisher on the boy, and raising Jemmy's chance 
 considerably. ' Three ' was held by a youngster in 
 nankeen petticoats, who would throw^ for himself, and 
 shook the box violently enough to be heard at Broad- 
 stairs. He scored nineteen, and beginning to cry 
 immediately, was taken home. Green was next, and 
 all eyes were turned upon him, for he w^as a noted 
 hand. He advanced to the table with great sangfroid, 
 and, turning back the wrists of his coat, exhibited his 
 beautiful sparkling paste shirt-buttons, and the elegant 
 turn of his taper hand, the middle finger of which was 
 covered with massive rings. He took the box in a 
 neglige manner, and without condescending to shake it, 
 slid the dice out upon the table by a gentle sideway
 
 MR. JORROCKS AT MARGATE. 139 
 
 motion — ' sixes ! ' cried all, and down the marker put 
 twelve. At the second throw, he adopted another 
 mode. As soon as the dice were in, he just chucked 
 them up in the air like as many halfpence, and down 
 they came five and six — ' eleven,' said the marker. 
 With a look of triumph Green held the box for the 
 third time, which he just turned upside down, and lo, 
 on uncovering, there stood two — ' ones ! ' A loud 
 laugh burst forth, and Green looked confused. ' I'm so 
 glad I ' whispered a young lady, who had made an 
 unsuccessful 'set' at Jemmy the previous season, in a 
 tone loud enough for him to hear. ' I hope he'll lose,' 
 rejoined a female friend, rather louder. * That Jemmy 
 Green is my absohite abhon^eiice,' observed a third. 
 "Orrible man, with his nasty vig,' observed the mamma 
 of the first speaker — ' shouldn't have my darter not at 
 no price.' Green, however, headed the poll, having 
 beat the Sunflower, and had still two lots in reserve. 
 For number five, he threw twenty-five, and was imme- 
 diately outstripped, amid much laughter and clapping 
 of hands from the ladies, by number six, who in his 
 turn fell a prey to number seven. Between eight and 
 nine there was a very interesting contest who should 
 be lowest, and hopes and fears were at their altitude, 
 when Jemmy Green again turned back his coat-wrist to 
 throw for number ten. His confidence had forsaken 
 him a little, as indicated by a slight quivering of the 
 under-lip, but he managed to conceal it from all except 
 the ladies, who kept too scrutinizing an eye upon him. 
 His first throw brought sixes, which raised his spirits 
 amazingly ; but on their appearance a second time, he 
 could scarcely contain himself, backed as he was by the 
 plaudits of his friend Mr. Jorrocks. Then came the 
 deciding throw — every eye was fixed on Jemmy, he 
 shook the box, turned it down, and lo! there came seven.
 
 I40 AQUATICS: 
 
 ' Mr, James Green is the fortunate winner of this 
 magnificent prize ! ' exclaimed the youth, holding up 
 the box in mid-air, and thereupon all the ladies crowded 
 round Green, some to congratulate him, others to com- 
 pliment him on his looks, while one or two of the least 
 knowing tried to coax him out of his box. Jemmy, 
 however, was too old a stager, and pocketed the box 
 and other compliments at the same time. 
 
 Another grind of the organ, and another song fol- 
 lowed from the same young lady, during which operation 
 Green sent for the manager, and, after a little beating 
 about the bush, proposed singing a song or two, if he 
 would give him lottery-tickets gratis. He asked three 
 shilling-tickets for each song, and finally closed for five 
 tickets for two songs, on the understanding that he was 
 to be announced as a distinguished amateur, who had 
 come forward by most particular desire. 
 
 Accordingly the manager — a round-about, red-faced, 
 consequential little cockney — mounted the rostrum, 
 and begged to annnouce to the company that that 
 * celebrated wocalist, Mr. James Green, so well known 
 as a distinguished amateur and conwivialist, both at 
 Bagnigge Wells, and Vite Conduit House, London, 
 had werry kindly consented, in order to promote the 
 hilarity of the evening, to favour the company with a 
 song immediately after the drawing of the next lottery,' 
 and after a few high-flown compliments, which elicited 
 a laugh from those who were up to Jemmy's mode of 
 doing business, he concluded by offering a 'papier- 
 mache ' tea-caddy for public competition, in shilling 
 lots as before. 
 
 As soon as the drawing was over, they gave the 
 organ a grind, and Jemmy popped up with a hop, step, 
 and a jump, with his woolly white hat under his arm, 
 and presented himself with a scrape and a bow to the
 
 MR. yORROCKS AT MARGATE. 141 
 
 company. After a few preparatory * hems and haws,' 
 he pulled up his gills and spoke as follows : ' Ladies 
 and gentlemen 1 hem ' — another pull at his gills — 
 'ladies and gentlemen — my walued friend, Mr. Kitey 
 Graves, has announced that I will entertain the com- 
 pany with a song ; though nothing, I assure you — hem 
 — could be farther from my idea — hem — when my 
 excellent friend asked me,' — ' Hookey Walker ! ' ex- 
 claimed some one who had heard Jemmy declare the 
 same thing half a dozen times — 'and, indeed, ladies 
 and gentlemen — hem — nothing but the werry great 
 regard I have for Mr. Kitey Graves, who I have 
 known and loved ever since he was the height of six- 
 pennorth of copper : ' a loud laugh followed this allusion, 
 seeing that eighteenpenny-worth would almost measure 
 out the speaker. On giving another * hem,' and again 
 pulling up his gills, an old Kentish farmer, in a brown 
 coat, and mahogany-coloured tops, holloaed out, ' I say, 
 sir I I'm afear'd you'll be catching cold f ' 'I 'opes not,' 
 replied Jemmy, in a fluster, 'is it raining? I've no 
 umbrella, and my werry best coat on ! ' 'No I raining, 
 no ! ' replied the farmer, ' only you've pulled at your 
 shirt so long that I think you must be bare beJmidl 
 Haw ! haw ! haw ! ' at which all the males roared with 
 laughter, and the females hid their faces in their hand- 
 kerchiefs, and tittered and giggled, and tried to be 
 shocked. * Order ! order ! ' cried Mr. Jorrocks, in a 
 loud and sonorous voice, which had the effect of quelling 
 the riot and drawing all eyes upon himself. ' Ladies 
 and gentlemen,' said he, taking off his cap with great 
 gravity, and extending his right arm, 
 
 * Immodest words admit of no defence. 
 For want of decency is want of sense ; ' 
 
 a couplet so a propos, and so well delivered, as to have 
 the immediate effect of restoring order and making the
 
 142 AQUATICS: 
 
 farmer look foolish. Encouraged by the voice of his 
 great patron, Green once more essayed to finish his 
 speech, which he did by a fresh assurance of the sur- 
 prise by which he had been taken by the request of 
 his friend, Kitey Graves, and an exhortation for the 
 company to make allowance for any deficiency of 
 * woice,' inasmuch as he was labouring under ' a 
 wiolent 'orseness,' for which he had long been taking 
 pectoral lozenges. He then gave his gills another 
 pull, felt if they were even, and struck up 
 
 * Bid me discourse,' 
 
 in notes, compared to which the screaming of a peacock 
 would be perfect melody. Mr. Jorrocks having taken 
 a conspicuous position, applauded long, loudly, and 
 warmly, at every pause — approbation the more deserved 
 and disinterested, inasmuch as the worthy gentleman 
 suffers considerably from music, and only knows two 
 tunes, one of which, he says, ' is God save the King, 
 and the other isn't' 
 
 Having seen his protege fairly under way, Mr, Jor- 
 rocks gave him a hint that he would return to the 
 White Hart, and have supper ready by the time he 
 was done ; accordingly the Yorkshireman and he with- 
 drew along an avenue politely formed by the separation 
 of the company, who applauded as they passed. 
 
 An imperial quart and a half of Mr. Creed's stoutest 
 draft port, with the orthodox proportion of lemon, 
 cloves, sugar, and cinnamon, had almost boiled itself to 
 perfection under the skilful superintendence of Mr. 
 Jorrocks, on the coffee-room fire, and a table had been 
 handsomely decorated with shrimps, lobsters, broiled 
 bones, fried ham, poached eggs, when just as the clock 
 had finished striking eleven, the coffee-room door 
 opened with a rush, and in tripped Jemmy Green with 
 his hands crammed full of packages, and his trousers'
 
 MR. JORROCKS AT MARGATE. 143 
 
 pockets sticking out like a Dutch burgomaster's. 
 'Veil, I've done 'em brown to-night, I think,' said he, 
 depositing his hat and half a dozen packages on the 
 sideboard, and runninsf his finoers throufih his curls to 
 make them stand up. ' I've won nine lotteries, and 
 left one undrawn when I came away, because it did 
 not seem likely to fill. Let me see,' said he, emptying 
 his pockets, — ' there is the beautiful rosewood box that 
 I won, ven you was there ; the next was a set of 
 crimping-irons, vich I von also ; the third was a jockey- 
 vip, which I did not vant, and only stood one ticket 
 for and lost ; the fourth was this elegant box, with a 
 view of Margate on the lid ; then came these six sherry 
 labels with silver rims ; a snuff-box with an inwisible 
 mouse ; a coral rattle with silver bells ; a silk yard- 
 measure in a walnut-shell ; a couple of West India 
 beetles ; a humming-bird in a glass case, which I lost ; 
 and then these dozen bodkins with silver eyes — so that 
 altogether I have made a pretty good night's work of 
 it. Kitey Graves wasn't in great force, so after I had 
 sung " Bid me discourse," and " I'd be a butterfly," 
 I cut my stick and went to the hopposition shop, 
 where they used me much more genteelly ; giving me 
 three tickets for a song, and introducing me in more 
 flattering terms to the company — I don't like being 
 considered one of the nasty " reglars," and they should 
 make a point of explaining that one isn't. Besides, 
 what business had Kitey to say anything about Bag- 
 nigge Veils ? a hass ! — Now, perhaps, you'll favour me 
 with some supper.' 
 
 ' Certainly,' replied Mr. Jorrocks, patting Jemmy ap- 
 provingly on the head — 'you deserve some. It's only 
 710 song, no supper, and you've been singing like a 
 nightingale ; ' thereupon they set-to with vigorous 
 determination.
 
 144 AQUATICS: 
 
 A bright Sunday dawned, and the beach at an early 
 hour was crowded with men in dressing-gowns of every 
 shape, hue, and material, with buff slippers— the ' regu- 
 lation Mareate shoeinsf ' both for men and women. 
 As the hour of eleven approached, and the church 
 bells beean to rinsf, the town seemed to awaken sud- 
 denly from a trance, and bonnets the most superb, and 
 dresses the most extravagant, poured forth from lodg- 
 ings the most miserable. Having shaved and dressed 
 himself with more than ordinary care and attention, 
 Mr. Jorrocks walked his friends off to church, assuring 
 them that no one need hope to prosper throughout the 
 week who did not attend it on the Sunday, and he 
 marked his own devotion throughout the service by 
 drowning the clerk's voice with his responses. After 
 this spiritual ablution, Mr. Jorrocks bethought him- 
 self of having a bodily one in the sea ; and the day 
 being excessively hot, and the tide about the proper 
 mark, he pocketed a couple of towels out of his bed- 
 room and went away to bathe, leaving Green and the 
 Yorkshireman to amuse themselves at the White 
 Hart. 
 
 This house, as we have already stated, faces the har- 
 bour, and is a corner one, running a considerable way 
 up the next street, with a side-door communicating, as 
 well as the front one, w^ith the coffee-room. This 
 room differs from the generality of coffee-rooms, inas- 
 much as the windows range the whole length of the 
 room, and being very low they afford every facility for 
 the children and passers-by to inspect the interior. 
 Whether this is done to show the Turkey carpet, the 
 pea-green cornices, the bright mahogany slips of tables, 
 the gay trellised geranium-papered room, or the aris- 
 tocratic visitors who frequent it, is immaterial — the 
 description is as accurate as if George Robins had
 
 MR. yORROCKS A T MARGA TE. 145 
 
 drawn it himself. In this room, then, as the Yorkshire- 
 man and Green were lying dozing on three chairs 
 apiece, each having fallen asleep to avoid the trouble of 
 talking to the other, they were suddenly roused by 
 loud yells and hootings at the side door, and the 
 bursting into the coffee-room of what at first brush 
 they thought must be a bull. The Yorkshireman 
 jumped up, rubbed his eyes, and lo ! before him stood 
 Mr. Jorrocks, puffing like a stranded grampus, with a 
 bunch of sea-weed under his arm, and the dress in 
 which he had started, with the exception of the dark 
 blue stocking-net pantaloons, the place of which was 
 supplied by a flowing white linen kilt, commonly called 
 a shirt, in the four corners of which were knotted a 
 few small pebbles — producing, with the Hessian boots 
 and one thing and another, the most laughable figure 
 imaginable. The blood of the Jorrockses was up, 
 however, and throwing his hands in the air, he thus 
 delivered himself. ' Oh, gentlemen ! gentlemen ! — 
 here's a lamentable occurrence — a terrible disaster — 
 oh dear ! oh dear ! — I never thought I should come to 
 this. You know, James Green,' appealing to Jemmy, 
 'that I never was the man to raise a blush on the 
 cheek of modesty; I have always said that "want of 
 decency is want of sense," and see how I am rewarded ! 
 Oh dear ! oh dear ! that I should ever have trusted my 
 pantaloons out of my sight.' While all this, which was 
 the work of a moment, was going forward, the mob, 
 which had been shut out at the side door on Jorrocks's 
 entry, had got round to the coffee-room window, and 
 were all wedging their faces in to have a sight of him. 
 It was principally composed of children, who kept up 
 the most discordant yells, mingled with shouts of 
 * there's old cutty shirt ! ' — ' who's got your breeches, 
 old cock ? ' — ' make a scramble ! ' — ' turn him out for
 
 146 AQUATICS: 
 
 another hunt!' — 'turn him out again ! ' — until, fearing for 
 the respectabihty of his house, the landlord persuaded 
 Mr. Jorrocks to retire into the bar to state his 
 grievances. It then appeared that, having travelled 
 along the coast as far as the first Preventive station- 
 house on the Ramsgate side of Margate, the grocer 
 had thought it a convenient place for performing his 
 Intended ablutions, and, accordingly, proceeded to do 
 what all people of either sex agree upon in such cases 
 — namely, to divest himself of his garments; but before 
 he completed the ceremony, observing some females 
 on the cliffs above, and not being (as he said) a man 
 * to raise a blush on the cheek of modesty,' he advanced 
 to the water's edge in his aforesaid unmentionables, 
 and forgetting that it was not yet high tide, he left 
 them there, when they were speedily covered, and the 
 pockets being full of silver and copper, of course they 
 were ' swamped.' After dabbling about in the water 
 and am.using himself with picking up sea-weed for 
 about ten minutes, Mr. Jorrocks was horrified, on 
 returning to the spot where he thought he had left his 
 stocking-net pantaloons, to find that they had disap- 
 peared ; and, after a long and fruitless search, the 
 unfortunate gentleman was compelled to abandon the 
 pursuit, and render himself an object of chase to all the 
 little boys and girls who chose to follow him into 
 Margate on his return without them. 
 
 Jorrocks, as might be expected, was very bad about 
 his loss, and could not get over it — it stuck in his 
 gizzard, he said — and there it seemed likely to remain. 
 In vain Mr. Creed offered him a pair of trousers — he 
 never had worn a pair. In vain he asked for the loan 
 of a pair of white cords and top-boots, or even drab 
 shorts and continuations. Mr. Creed was no sports- 
 man, and did not keep any. The bellman could not
 
 MR. JORROCKS A T MARC A TE. 147 
 
 cry the lost unmentionables because it was Sunday, 
 and even if they should be found on the ebbing of the 
 tide, they would take no end of time to dry. Mr. 
 Jorrocks declared his pleasure at an end, and forthwith 
 began making inquiries as to the best mode of getting 
 home. The coaches were all gone, steam-boats there 
 were none, save for every place but London, and 
 posting, he said, was 'cruelly expensive.' In the 
 midst of his dilemma, ' Boots,' who is always the most 
 intelligent man about an inn, popped in his curly head, 
 and informed Mr. Jorrocks that the Unity hoy, a most 
 commodious vessel, neat, trim, and water-tight, manned 
 by his own maternal uncle, was going to cut away 
 to London at three o'clock, and would land him 
 before he could say 'Jack Robinson.' Mr. Jorrocks 
 jumped at the offer, and forthwith attiring himself in a 
 pair of Mr. Creed's loose inexpressibles, over which 
 he drew his Hessian boots, he tucked the hamper 
 containinor the knuckle of veal and other etcaeteras 
 under one arm, and the bunch of sea-weed he had 
 been busy collecting, instead of watching his clothes, 
 under the other, and, followed by his friends, made 
 direct for the vessel. 
 
 Everybody knows, or ought to know, what a hoy is 
 — it Is a large sailing boat, sometimes with one deck, 
 sometimes with none; and the Unity, trading in bulky 
 goods, was of the latter description, though there was 
 a sort of doe-hole at the stern, which the master 
 dignified by the name of a ' state cabin,' into which he 
 purposed putting Mr. Jorrocks, if the weather should 
 turn cold before they arrived. The wind, however, he 
 said was so favourable, and his cargo — ' timber and 
 fruit,' as he described it, that is to say, broom-sticks 
 and potatoes — so light, that he warranted landing him 
 at Blackwall at least by ten o'clock, where he could
 
 148 AQUATICS: 
 
 either sleep, or get a short stage or an omnibus on to 
 Leadenhall-street. The vessel looked anything but 
 tempting, neither was the captain's appearance prepos- 
 sessing, still Mr. Jorrocks, all things considered, 
 thought he would chance it ; and depositing his hamper 
 and sea-weed, and giving special instructions about 
 having his pantaloons cried in the morning — recounting 
 that besides the silver, and eighteen-pence in copper, 
 there was a steel pencil-case with J. J, on the seal at 
 the top, an anonymous letter, and two keys— he took 
 an affectionate leave of his friends, stepped on board, 
 the vessel was shoved off and stood out to sea. 
 
 Monday morning drew the cockneys from their roosts 
 betimes, to take their farewell splash and dive in the 
 sea. As the day advanced the bustle and confusion 
 on the shore and in the town increased, and everyone 
 seemed on the move. The ladies paid their last visits 
 to the bazaars and shell shops, and children extracted 
 the last ounce of exertion from the exhausted, leg- 
 weary donkeys. Meanwhile the lords of the creation 
 strutted about, some in dressing-gowns, others, ' full 
 puff,' with bags and boxes under their arms — while 
 sturdy porters were wheeling barrows full of luggage 
 to the jetty. The bellman went round dressed in a 
 blue and red cloak, with a gold hatband. Ring-a-ding, 
 ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong, went the bell, and the 
 gaping cockneys congregated around. He commenced 
 — ' To be so?^ld in the market-place a quantity of fresh 
 ling.' Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong : ' The Royal 
 Adelaide, fast and splendid steam-packet, Capt. Whit- 
 tingham, will leave the pier this morning at nine 
 o'clock precisely, and land the passengers at London- 
 bridge Steam-packet Wharf — fore-cabin fares and 
 children four shillings — saloon five shillines.' Rino--a- 
 ding, ring-a-ding, dong : ' The superb and splendid
 
 MR. 7ORROCKS AT MARGATE. 149 
 
 Steam-packet, the Magnet, will leave the pier this 
 morning at nine o'clock precisely, and land the pas- 
 sengers at the St. Katherine Docks — fore-cabin fares 
 and children four shillings — saloon five shillings.' 
 Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong : ' Lost at the back of 
 James-street — a lady's black silk — black lace wale — 
 whoever has found the same, and will bring it to the 
 cryer, shall receive one shilling reward.' Ring-a-ding. 
 ring-a-ding, dong : ' Lost, last night, between the jetty 
 and the York Hotel, a little boy, as answers to the 
 name of Spot, whoever has found the same, and will 
 bring him to the cryer, shall receive a reward of half a 
 crown.' Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong : ' Lost, stolen, 
 or strayed, or otherwise conveyed, a brown-and-white 
 King Charles's setter as answers to the name of Jacob 
 Jones. Whoever has found the same, or will give 
 such information as shall lead to the detection and con- 
 version of the offender or offenders shall be handsomely 
 rewarded.' Rinor-a-dino- rinor-a-dinof, donof : ' Lost, 
 below the Prewentive-sarvice station, by a gentleman 
 of great respectability — a pair of blue knit pantaloons^ 
 containing eighteen pennyworth of copper — a steel 
 pencil-case — a werry anonymous letter, and two keys. 
 Whoever will bring the same to the cryer shall receive 
 a reward. — God save the Kino- 1 ' 
 
 Then, as the hour of nine approached, what a con- 
 course appeared ! There were fat and lean, and short 
 and tall, and middling, going away, and fat and lean, 
 and short and tall, and middling, waiting to see them 
 off; Green, as usual, making himself conspicuous, and 
 canvassing everyone he could lay hold of for the 
 Magnet steamer. At the end of the jetty, on each side, 
 lay the Royal Adelaide and the Magnet, with as fierce 
 a contest for patronage as ever was witnessed. Both 
 decks were crowded with anxious faces — for the
 
 ISO AQUATICS: 
 
 Monday's steam-boat race is as great an event as a 
 
 Derby, and a cockney would as lief lay on an outside 
 
 horse as patronize a boat that was likely to let another 
 
 pass her. Nay, so high is the enthusiasm carried, that 
 
 books are regularly made on the occasion, and there is 
 
 as much clamour for bets as in the ring at Epsom or 
 
 Newmarket. ' Tomkins, I'll lay you a dinner — for 
 
 three — Royal Adelaide against the Magnet,' bawled 
 
 Jenkins from the former boat. ' Done,' cries Tomkins. 
 
 * The Magnet for a bottle of port,' bawled out another. 
 
 ' A white-bait dinner for two, the Magnet reaches 
 
 Greenwich first.' ' What should you know about the 
 
 Magnet ? ' inquires the mate of the Royal Adelaide. 
 
 ' Vy, I think I should know something about nauticals 
 
 too, for Lord St. Wincent was my godfather.' ' I'll 
 
 bet five shillings on the Royal Adelaide.' ' I'll take 
 
 you,' says another. ' I'll bet a bottom of brandy on the 
 
 Magnet,' roars out the mate. ' Two goes of Hollands 
 
 the Magnet's off Heme Bay before the Royal Adelaide.' 
 
 ' I'll lay a pair of crimping-irons against five shillings, 
 
 the Magnet beats the Royal Adelaide,' bellowed out 
 
 Green, who having come on board, had mounted the 
 
 paddle-box. ' I say. Green, I'll lay you an even five 
 
 if you like.' * Well, five pounds,' cries Green. ' No, 
 
 shillings,' says his friend. ' Never bet shillings,' replies 
 
 Green, pulling up his shirt collar. ' I'll bet fifty pounds, 
 
 he adds, getting valiant. I'll bet a hundred pounds — 
 
 a thousand pounds — a million pounds — half the national 
 
 debt, if you like.' 
 
 Precisely as the jetty clock finishes striking nine, the 
 ropes are slipped, and the rival steamers stand out to 
 sea with beautiful precision, amid the crying, the kissino- 
 of hands, the raising of hats, the waving of handker- 
 chiefs, from those who are left for the week, while the 
 passengers are cheered by adverse tunes from the
 
 MR. JORROCKS A T MARGA TE. 151 
 
 respective bands on board. The Magnet, having the 
 outside, gets the breeze first hand, but the Royal 
 Adelaide keeps well along-side, and both firemen being 
 deeply interested in the event, they boil up a tremendous 
 gallop, without either being able to claim the slightest 
 advantage for upwards of an hour and a half, when the 
 Royal Adelaide manages to shoot a-head for a few 
 minutes, amid the cheers and exclamations of her crew. 
 The Magnet's fireman, however, is on the alert, and a 
 few extra pokes of the fire presently bring the boats 
 together again, in which state they continue, nose and 
 nose, until the stiller water of the side of the Thames 
 favours the Magnet, and she shoots a-head amid the 
 cheers and vociferations of her party, and is not neared 
 again during the voyage. 
 
 This excitement over, the respective crews sink Into 
 a sort of melancholy sedateness, and Green in vain 
 endeavours to kick up a quadrille. The men were 
 exhausted and the women dispirited, and altogether 
 they were a very different set of beings from what they 
 were on the Saturday. Dull faces and dirty-white 
 ducks were the order of the day. 
 
 The only incident of the voyage was, that on ap- 
 proaching the mouth of the Medway, the Royal 
 Adelaide was hailed by a vessel, and the Yorkshire- 
 man, on looking overboard, was shocked to behold Mr. 
 Jorrocks sitting in the stern of his hoy in the identical 
 position he had taken up the previous day, with his 
 bunch of sea-weed under his elbow, and the remains of 
 the knuckle of veal, ham, and chickens, spread on the 
 hamper before him. ' Stop her ! ' cried the Yorkshire- 
 man ; and then hailing Mr. Jorrocks he holloaed out, 
 * In the name of the prophet, Figs, what are you doing 
 there ? ' ' Oh gentlemen ! gentlemen ! ' exclaimed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, brightening up as he recognized the boat,
 
 152 AQUATICS: 
 
 * take compassion on a most misfortune indiwidual — 
 here have I been in this 'orrid 'oy, ever since three 
 o'clock yesterday afternoon, and here I seem hkely to 
 end my days, — for blow me tight if I couldn't swim as 
 fast as it goes.' * Look sharp, then,' cried the mate of 
 the steamer, ' and chuck us up your luggage.' Up went 
 the sea- weed, the hamper, and Mr. Jorrocks ; and 
 before the hoyman awoke out of a nap into which he 
 had composed himself on resigning the rudder to his 
 lad, our worthy citizen was steaming away a mile before 
 his vessel, bilking him of his fare. 
 
 Who does not recognize in this last disaster the 
 truth of the old adage ? — 
 
 ' Most haste, least speed.'
 
 No. VIII. 
 THE ROAD: 
 
 ENGLISH AND FRENCH. 
 
 * JoRROCKs's France, in three volumes, would sound 
 werry well,' observed our worthy citizen, one afternoon, 
 to his confidential companion the Yorkshireman, as 
 they sat in the verandah in Coram-street, eating red 
 currants and sipping cold whiskey punch ; ' and I 
 thinks I could make something of it. They tells me 
 that at the " west end " the booksellers will give forty 
 pounds for anything that will run into three wolumes, 
 and one might soon pick up as much matter as would 
 stretch into that quantity.' 
 
 The above observation was introduced in a lone 
 conversation between Mr. Jorrocks and his friend, 
 relative to an indignity that had been offered him by 
 the rejection by the Editor of a sporting periodical of 
 a long treatise on Eels, which, independently of the 
 singularity of diction, had become so attenuated in the 
 handling, as to have every appearance of filling three 
 whole numbers of the work ; and Mr. Jorrocks had 
 determined to avenge the insult by turning author on 
 his own account. The Yorkshireman, ever ready for 
 amusement, cordially supported Mr. Jorrocks in his 
 views, and a bargain was soon struck between them, 
 the main stipulations of which were, that Mr. Jorrocks 
 should find cash, and the Yorkshireman should procure 
 information.
 
 154 THE ROAD. 
 
 Accordingly, on the Saturday after, the nine o'clock 
 Dover heavy drew up at the Bricklayers' Arms, with 
 ]\Ir. Jorrocks on the box seat, and the Yorkshireman 
 imbedded amonof the usual heterogenous assembly — 
 soldiers, sailors, Frenchmen, fishermen, ladies' maids, 
 and footmen — that compose the cargo of these coaches. 
 Here they were assailed with the usual persecution 
 from the tribe of Israel, in the shape of a hundred mcr- 
 cha7its, proclaiming the virtues of their wares; one with 
 black-lead pencils, twelve a shilling, with an invitation 
 to ' cut 'em and try 'em ; ' another with a good pocket 
 knife, 'twelve blades and saw, sir;' a third, with a tame 
 squirrel and a piping bullfinch, that could whistle God 
 save the King and the White Cockade — to \i^ given 
 for an old coat. ' Buy a silver guard chain for your 
 vatch, sir!' cried a dark-eyed urchin, mounting the fore- 
 wheel, and holding a bunch of them in Mr. Jorrocks's 
 face ; ' buy pocket book, memorandum book ! ' whined 
 another. ' Keepsake — Forget-me-not — all the last year's 
 annuals at half-price ! ' ' Sponge cheap, sponge ! take 
 a piece, sir — take a piece.' ' Patent leather straps.' 
 ' Barcelona nuts. Slippers. Morning Hurl (Herald). 
 Rhubarb. ' Andsome dog collar, sir, cheap ! — do to 
 fasten your wife up with ! ' 
 
 ' Stand clear, ye warmints ! ' cries the coachman, 
 elbowing his way among them — and, remounting the 
 box, he takes the whip and reins out of Mr. Jorrocks's 
 hands, cries ' All right behind? sit tight! ' and off they 
 
 CO. 
 
 The day was fine, and the hearts of all seemed light 
 and gay. The coach, though slow, was clean and 
 smart, the harness bright and well-polished, while the 
 sleek brown horses poked their heads about at ease, 
 without the torture of the bearing-rein. The coachman, 
 like his vehicle, was heavy, and had he been set on all
 
 ENGLISH AND FRENCH. 155 
 
 fours, a party of six might have ate off his back. Thus 
 they proceeded at a good, steady, substantial sort of 
 pace ; trotting on level ground, walking up hills, and 
 dragging down inclines. Nor among the whole party 
 was there a murmur of discontent at the pace. Most 
 of the passengers seemed careless which way they went, 
 so long as they did but move, and they rolled through 
 the garden of England with the most stoical indifference. 
 We know not whether it has ever struck the reader, 
 but the travellers by Dover coaches are less captious 
 about pace than those on most others. 
 
 And now let us fancy our friends up, and down, 
 Shooter's Hill, through Dartford, Northfleet, and 
 Gravesend — at which latter place, the first foreign 
 symptom appears, in the words, ' Poste aux Chevaux/ 
 on the door-post of the inn ; and let us imagine them 
 bowling down Rochester Hill at a somewhat amended 
 pace, with the old castle by the river Medway, the 
 town of Chatham, Stroud, and Rochester full before 
 them, and the finely wooded country extending round 
 in pleasing variety of hill and dale. As they reach the 
 foot of the hill, the guard commences a solo on his 
 bugle, to give notice to the innkeeper to have the 
 coach dinner on the table. All huddled together, inside 
 and out, long passengers and short ones, they cut across 
 the bridge, rattle along the narrow streets, sparking 
 the mud from the newly-watered streets on to the shop 
 windows and passengers on each side, and pull up at 
 the Pig and Cross-bow, with a jerk and a dash as 
 though they had been travelling at the rate of twelve 
 miles an hour. Two other coaches are ' dining,' while 
 some few passengers, whose ' hour is not yet come,' sit 
 patiently on the roof, or pace up and down the street 
 with short and hurried turns, anxious to see the horses 
 brought out that are to forward them on their journey.
 
 156 THE ROAD: 
 
 And what a commotion this new arrival creates! From 
 the arched door-way of the inn issue two chamber- 
 maids, one in curls, the other in a cap ; boots, with 
 both curls and a cap, and a ladder in his hand ; a knock- 
 kneed waiter, with a dirty duster, to count noses ; while 
 the neat landlady, in a spruce black silk gown and clean 
 white apron, stands smirking, smiling, and rubbing her 
 hands down her sides, inveigling the passengers into 
 the house, where she will turn them over to the waiters 
 to take their chance the instant she gets them in. 
 About the door the usual idlers are assembled. — A 
 coachman out of place, a beggar out at the elbows, a 
 sergeant in uniform, and three recruits with ribbons in 
 their hats ; a captain with his boots cut for corns, the 
 coachman that is to drive to Dover, a youth in a straw 
 hat and a rowing shirt, the little inquisitive old man of 
 the place — who sees all the mid-day coaches change 
 horses, speculates on the passengers, and sees who the 
 parcels are for — and, though last not least, Mr. Bangup, 
 the * varmint ' man, the height of whose ambition is to 
 be taken for a coachman. As the coach pulled up, he 
 was in the bar taking a glass of cold sherry ' without ' 
 and a cigar, which latter he brings out lighted in his 
 mouth, with his shaved white hat stuck knowingly on 
 one side, and the thumbs of his brown hands thrust 
 into the arm-holes of his waistcoat, throwing back his 
 single-breasted fancy-buttoned green coat, and showing 
 a cream-coloured cravat, fastened with a gold coach- 
 and-four pin, w^hich, with a buff waistcoat and tight 
 drab trousers buttoning over the boot, complete his 
 'toggery,' as he would call it. His whiskers are large 
 and riotous in the extreme, while his hair is clipped as 
 close as a charity-school boy's. The coachman and he 
 are on the best of terms, as the outward twist of their 
 elbows and jerks of the head on meeting testify. His
 
 ESGLISH AND FRENCH. 157 
 
 conversation is short and slangy, accompanied with the 
 correct nasal twang. After standing and blowing a few 
 puffs, during which time the passengers have all alighted, 
 and the coachman has got through the thick of his 
 business, he takes the cigar out of his mouth, and, 
 spitting on the flags, addresses his friend with, * YVe 
 got the old near-side leader back from Joe, I see.' 
 ' Yes, Mr. Bangup, yes,' replies his friend, ' but I had 
 some work first — our orov'rnor was all for the change 
 — at last, says I to our oss-keeper, says I, it arn't no 
 use your harnessing that 'ere roan for me any more, for 
 as how I von't drive him, so it's not to no use harness- 
 ing of him, for I von't be gammon'd out of my team 
 not by none on them, therefore it arn't to never no use 
 harnessing of him again for me.' ' So you did 'em,' 
 observes Mr. Bangup. ' Lord bless ye, yes ! it warn't 
 to no use aggravising about it, for says I, I vont stand 
 it, so it warn't to no manner of use harnessing of him 
 again for me.' ' Come, Smith, what are you chaffing 
 there about ? ' inquires the landlord, coming out with 
 the wide-spread way-bill in his hands, * have you two 
 insides ? ' 'No, gov'rnor, I has but von, and that's 
 precious empty, haw ! haw ! haw ! ' ' Well, but now 
 get Brown to blow his horn early, and you help to 
 hurry the passengers away from my grub, and maybe 
 I'll give you your dinner for your trouble,' replies the 
 landlord, reckoning he would save both his meat and 
 his horses by the experiment. ' Ay, there goes the 
 dinner!' added he, just as Mr. Jorrocks's voice was 
 heard inside the Pig and Cross-bow, giving a most 
 tremendous roar for his food ; — ' Pork at the top, and 
 pork at the bottom,' the host observes to the waiter in 
 passing, 'and mind ^\\\. the joints before the women — 
 they are slow carvers.' 
 
 While the foregoing scene was enacting outside, our
 
 158 THE ROAD. 
 
 travellers had been driven through the passage into a 
 little, dark, dingy room at the back of the house, with a 
 dirty, rain-bespattered window, looking against a white- 
 washed blank wall. The table, which was covered with 
 a thrice-used cloth, was set out with lumps of bread, 
 knives, and two and three pronged forks laid alter- 
 nately. Altogether it was anything but inviting, but 
 coach passengers are very complaisant ; and on the 
 Dover road it matters little if they are not. The bustle 
 of preparation was soon over. Coats No. i. No. 2, 
 and No. 3 are taken off in succession, for some people 
 wear top-coats to keep out the 'heat;' chins are released 
 from their silken jeopardy, hats are hid in corners, and 
 fur caps thrust into the pockets of the owners. Inside 
 passengers eye outside ones with suspicion ; while a deaf 
 gentleman, who has left his trumpet in the coach, meets 
 an acquaintance whom he has not seen for seven years, 
 and can only shake hands and grin to the movements 
 of the lips of the speaker. ' You find it very warm 
 inside, I should think, sir ? ' ' Thank ye, thank ye, my 
 good friend ; I'm ray'&vQ.r deaf, but I presume you're 
 inquiring after my wife and daughters — they are very 
 well, I thank ye.' 'Where will you sit at dinner?' 
 rejoins the first speaker, in hopes of a more successful 
 hit. ' It is two years since I saw him.' ' No ; where 
 will you sit, sir ? I said.' ' Oh, John ? I beg your 
 pardon — I'm rayther deaf — he's in Jamaica with his 
 recriment.' ' Come, waiter, bring dinner ! ' roared Mr. 
 Jorrocks, at the top of his voice, being the identical 
 shout that was heard outside, and presently the two 
 dishes of pork, a couple of ducks, and a lump of half 
 raw, sadly mangled, cold roast beef, with waxy potatoes 
 and overgrown cabbages, were scattered along the table. 
 * What a beastly dinner ! ' exclaims an inside dandy, in 
 a sable-collared frock-coat — ' the whole place reeks with
 
 ENGLISH AND FRENCH. 159 
 
 onions and vulgarity. Waiter, bring me a silver fork!' 
 ' Allow me to duck you, ma'am ? ' inquires an outside 
 passenger, in a facetious tone, of a female in a green 
 silk cloak, as he turns the duck over in the dish. 
 'Thank you, sir, but I've some pork coming.' 'Will 
 you take some of this thingumbob ? ' turning a ques- 
 tionable-looking pig's countenance over in its pewter 
 bed. * You are in considerable danger, my friend — 
 you are in considerable danger,' drawls forth the super- 
 fine insider to an outsider opposite. * How's that ? ' 
 inquires the former in alarm, ' Why, you are eating 
 with your knife, and you are in considerable danger of 
 cutting your mouth.' — What is the matter at the far 
 end of the table ? — a lady in russet brown, with a black 
 velvet bonnet and a feather, in convulsions. She's 
 choking, by Jove ! hit her on the back— gently, gently 
 — she's swallowed a fish-bone. ' I'll lay five to two she 
 dies,' cries Mr. Bolus, the sporting doctor of Sitting- 
 bourne. She coughs — up comes a couple of tooth-picks, 
 she having drunk off a green glass of them in mistake, 
 
 ' Now hark'e, waiter ! there's the guard blowing his 
 horn, and we have scarcely had a bite a-piece,' cries 
 Mr. Jorrocks, as that functionary sounded his instru- 
 ment most energetically in the passage ; ' blow me 
 tight, if I stir before the full half-hour's up, so he may 
 blow till he's black in the face.' ' Take some cheese, 
 sir ? ' inquires the waiter. ' No, surely not, some more 
 pork, and then some tarts.' ' Sorry, sir, we have no 
 tarts we can recommend. Cheese is partiklar good.' 
 [Enter coachman, peeled down to a more moderate- 
 sized man.] 
 
 ' Leave ye here, if you please, sur.' * With all my 
 heart, my good friend.' * Please to remember the 
 coachman — driv ye thirty miles.' ' Yes, but you'll 
 recollect how saucy you were about my wife's bonnet-
 
 i6o THE ROAD: 
 
 box — there's sixpence between us for you.' ' Oh, sur ! 
 I'm sure I didn't mean no unpurliteness. I 'opes 
 you'll forget it; it was werry aggravising", certainly, 
 but driv ye thirty 'miles. 'Opes you'll give a trifle 
 more, thirty miles.' ' No, no, no more ; so be off.' 
 ' Please to remember the coachman, ma'am, thirty 
 miles ! ' ' Leaves ye here, sir, if you please ; goes no 
 further, sir ; thirty miles, ma'am ; all the vay from 
 Lunnun, sir.' 
 
 A loud flourish on the bugle caused the remainder 
 of the gathering to be made in dumb show ; and 
 having exhausted his wind, the guard squeezed 
 through the door, and, with an extremely red face, 
 assured the company that ' time was hup ' and the 
 * coach quite ready.' Then out came the purses, 
 brown, green, and blue, with the usual inquiry — 
 ' What's dinner, waiter ? ' ' Two and six dinner, 
 beer, three, — two and nine yours,' replied the knock- 
 kneed caitiff", to the first inquirer, pushing a blue-and- 
 white plate under his nose ; ' yours is three and six, 
 ma'am ; — two glasses of brandy-and-water, four shil- 
 lings, if you please, sir — a bottle of real Devonshire 
 cider.' — ' You must change me a sovereign,' handing 
 one out. ' Certainly, sir,' upon which the waiter, 
 giving it a loud ring upon the table, ran out of the 
 room. ' Now, gentlemen and ladies ! pray, come, 
 time's hup — carn't wait — mtist go ' — roars the guard, 
 as the passengers shuffle themselves into their coats, 
 cloaks, and cravats, and Joe ' Boots ' runs up the 
 passage with the ladder for the lady. ' Now, my dear 
 Mrs. Sprat, good-bye — God bless you, and remember 
 me most kindly to your husband and dear little 
 ones — and pray, write soon,' says an elderly lady as 
 she hugs and kisses a youngish one at the door, who 
 has been staying with her for a week, during which
 
 ENGLISH AND FRENCH. i6i 
 
 time they have quarrelled regularly every night. 
 ' Have you all your things, dearest ? three boxes, 
 five parcels, an umbrella, a parasol, the cage for 
 Tommy's canary, and the bundle in the red silk hand- 
 kerchief — then good-bye, my beloved, step up — and 
 now, Mr. Guard, you know where to set her down. 
 * Good-bye, dearest Mrs. Jackson, all right, thank 
 you,' replies Mrs. Sprat, stepping up the ladder, and 
 adjusting herself in the gammon board opposite the 
 guard, the seat the last comer generally gets — 'But 
 stay ! I've forgot my reticule — it's on the drawers 
 in the bedroom — stop, coachman ! I say, guard 1 
 ' Carnt wait, ma'am — time's hup ' — and just at this 
 moment a two-horse coach is heard stealing up the 
 street, upon which the coachman calls to the horse- 
 keepers to ' stand clear with their cloths, and take care 
 no one pays them twice over,' gives a whistling hiss to 
 his leaders, the double thong to his wheelers, and 
 starts off at a trot, muttering something about, * cuss'd 
 pair-'oss coach, — convict-looking passengers,' observing 
 confidentially to Mr. Jorrocks, as he turned the angle 
 of the street, ' that he would rather be hung off a long 
 stage, than die a natural death on a short one,' while 
 the guard drowns the voices of the lady who has left 
 her reticule, and of the gentleman who has got no 
 change for his sovereign, in a hearty puff of 
 
 ' Rule Britannia, — Britannia rule the waves, 
 Britons, never, never, never shall be slaves !' 
 
 Blithely and merrily, like all coach passengers after 
 feeding, our party rolled steadily along, with occasional 
 gibes at those they met or passed, such as telling wag- 
 goners their linch-pins were out, carters' mates, there 
 were nicepocket-kniveslying on the road, making urchins 
 follow the coach for miles by holding up shillings and 
 mock parcels, or simple equestrians dismount in a jiffy 
 
 M
 
 1 62 THE ROAD. 
 
 on tellino- them their horses' shoes were not all on 
 ' before.'* Towards the decline of the day, Dover 
 heights appeared in view, with the stately castle 
 pfuardine the channel, which, seen throuorh the clear 
 atmosphere of an autumnal evening, with the French 
 coast conspicuous in the distance, had more the 
 appearance of a wide river than a branch of the sea. 
 
 The coachman mended his pace a little, as he 
 bowled along the gentle descents or rounded the base 
 of some lofty hill, and pulling up at Lydden took a 
 glass of soda-water and brandy, while four strapping 
 grays, with highly-polished, richly-plated harness, and 
 hollyhocks at their heads, were put to, to trot the last 
 few miles into Dover. Paying-time being near, the 
 guard began to do the amiable — hoped Mrs. Sprat 
 had ridden comfortable ; and the coachman turned to 
 the orentleman whose sovereign was left behind him to 
 assure him he would bring his change the next day, 
 and was much comforted by the assurance that he was 
 on his way to Italy for the winter. As the coach 
 approached Charlton gate, the guard flourished his 
 bugle and again struck up Rule Britannia, which lasted 
 the whole breadth of the market-place, and length of 
 Snargate-street, drawing from Mr, Muddle's shop the 
 few loiterers who yet remained, and causing Mr. Le 
 Plastrier, the patriotic moth-impaler, to suspend the 
 examination of the bowels of a watch, as they rattled 
 past his window. 
 
 At the door of the Ship Hotel the canary-coloured 
 coach of Mr. Wright, the landlord, with four pye-bald 
 horses, was in waitino- for him to take his evening 
 drive, and Mrs. Wright's pony phaeton, with a neat 
 tiger in a blue frock-coat and leathers, was also stationed 
 
 * This is more of a hunting-field joke than a road one. 'Have I all 
 my shoes on ? ' ' They are not all on before.'
 
 ENGLISH AND FRENCH. 163 
 
 behind, to convey her a few miles on the London road. 
 Of course the equipages of such important personages 
 could not be expected to move for a common stage- 
 coach, consequently it pulled up a few yards from the 
 door. It is melancholy to think that so much spirit 
 should have gone unrewarded, or, in other words, that 
 Mr. Wright should have gone wrong in his affairs — 
 Mrs. Ramsbottom said she never understood the 
 meaning of the term, * The Crown, and Bill of Rights ' 
 (Wright's), until she went to Rochester. Many people, 
 we doubt not, retain a lively recollection of the ' bill of 
 Wright's of Dover.' But to our travellers. 
 
 ' Now, sir ! this be Dover, thath^ the Ship, I be the 
 coachman, and we goes no further,' observed the amphi- 
 bious-looking coachman, in a pea-jacket and top-boots, 
 to Mr. Jorrocks, who still kept his seat on the box, as 
 if he expected that because they booked people 
 ' through to Paris,' at the coach-office in London, that 
 the vehicle crossed the channel and conveyed them on 
 the other side. At this intimation, Mr. Jorrocks clam- 
 bered down, and was speedily surrounded by touts and 
 captains of vessels soliciting his custom. ' Bon jour, 
 me Lor,' said a gaunt French sailor in ear-rings and a 
 blue-and-white Jersey shirt, taking off a red night-cap 
 with mock politeness, ' you shall be cross.' ' What's 
 that about '^ ' inquires Mr. Jorrocks — ' cross ! what 
 does the chap mean?' 'Ten shillin', just, me Lor,' 
 replied the man. * Cross for ten shillings,' muttered 
 Mr. Jorrocks, ' vot does the Mouncheer mean ? Hope 
 he hasn't picked my pocket.' ' I — you — vill,' said the 
 sailor slowly, using his fingers to enforce his meaning, 
 * take to France,' pointing south, ' for ten shillin in my 
 batteau, me Lor,' continued the sailor, with a grin of 
 satisfaction as he saw Mr. Jorrocks began to compre- 
 hend him. ' Ah ! I twig — you'll take me across the
 
 i64 THE ROAD. 
 
 water,' said our citizen, chuckling at the idea of under- 
 standincj French and beinor called a Lord — * for ten 
 shillings — a half-sovereign, in fact.' ' Don't go with 
 him, sir,' interrupted a Dutch-built English tar; ' he's 
 got nothing but a lousy lugger that will be all to- 
 morrow in getting over, if it ever gets at all ; and the 
 Royal George, superb steamer, sails with a king's mes- 
 senger and dispatches for all the foreign courts at half- 
 past ten, and must be across by twelve, whether it can 
 or not.' ' Please take a card for the Brocklebank — 
 quickest steamer out of Dover — wind's made expressly 
 to suit her, and she can beat the Royal George like 
 winking. Passengers never sick in the most uproarious 
 weather,' cried another tout, running the corner of his 
 card into Mr. Jorrocks's eye to engage his attention. 
 Then came the captain of the French mail packet, who 
 was dressed much like a new policeman, with an em- 
 broidered collar to his coat, and a broad red band 
 round a forage-cap which he raised with great polite- 
 ness, as he entreated Mr. Jorrocks's patronage of his 
 high-pressure engine, ' vich had beat a balloon, and 
 vod take him for half less than notine.' A crowd col- 
 lected, in the centre of which stood Mr. Jorrocks, per- 
 fectly unmoved, with his wig awry, and his carpet-bag 
 under his arm. ' Gentlemen,' said he, extending his 
 right hand, ' you seem to me to be desperately civil — 
 your /z^rliteness appears to know no bounds — but, to 
 be candid with you, I beg to say that whoever will 
 carry me across the herring-pond cheapest shall have 
 my custom ; so now begin and bid downwards.' 
 ' Nine shillings,' said an Englishman directly — ' eight,' 
 replied a Frenchman — ' seven and sixpence ' — ' seven 
 shillings ' — ' six and sixpence ' — ' six shillings ' — ' five 
 and sixpence ;' at last it came down to five shillings, 
 at which there were two bidders, the French captain
 
 BXGLISH AND FRENCH. 165 
 
 and the tout of the Royal George, — and Mr. Jorrocks, 
 like a true-born Briton, promised his patronage to the 
 latter, at which the Frenchmen shrugged up their 
 shoulders, and burst out a-laughing, one calling him 
 ' my Lor Ros-bif,' and the other ' Monsieur God-dem,' 
 as they walked off in search of other victims. 
 
 None but the natives of Dover can tell what the 
 weather is, unless the wind comes directly off the sea, 
 and it was not until Mr. Jorrocks proceeded to em- 
 bark, after breakfast the next morning, that he ascer- 
 tained there was a heavy swell on, so quiet had the 
 heights kept the gambols of Boreas. Three steamers 
 were simmering into action on the London-hotel side 
 of the harbour, In one of which — the Royal George — 
 two britchkas and a barouche were lashed ready for 
 sea, while the custom-house porters were trundling 
 barrows full of luggage, under the personal superin- 
 tendence of a little shock-headed French commlssion- 
 naire of Mr. Wright's In a gold-laced cap, and the 
 other gentry of the same profession from the different 
 Inns. As the Royal George lay nearly level with the 
 quay, Mr. Jorrocks stepped on board without troubling 
 himself to risk his shins among the steps of a ladder 
 that was considerately thrust Into the place of em- 
 barkation ; and as soon as he set foot upon deck, of 
 course he was besieged by the usual myriad of land- 
 sharks. First came Monsieur the Commissionnaire 
 with his book, out of which he enumerated two port- 
 manteaus and two carpet-bags, for each of which he 
 made a specific charge, leaving his own gratuity 
 optional with his employer ; then came Mr. Boots to 
 ask for something for showing them the way ; after 
 him the porter of the inn for carrying their cloaks and 
 great-coats, all of which Mr. Jorrocks submitted to 
 most philosophically, but when the Interpreter of the
 
 1 66 THE ROAD. 
 
 deaf and dumb ladder man demanded something for the 
 use of the ladder, his indi^rnation orot the better of him, 
 and he exclaimed, loud enough to be heard by all on 
 deck, ' surely you wouldn't charge a man for what he 
 has not enjoyed !' 
 
 A voyage is to many people like taking an emetic — 
 they look at the medicine and wish it well over, and 
 look at the sea and wish themselves well over. Every- 
 thing looked bright and gay at Dover — the cliffs 
 seemed whiter than ever — the sailors had on clean 
 trousers, and the few people that appeared in the 
 streets were dressed in their Sunday best. The cart- 
 horses w^ere seen feeding leisurely on the hills, and 
 there was a placid calmness about everytiiing on shore, 
 which the travellers would fain have extended to the 
 sea. They came slowly and solemnly upon deck, 
 muffled up in cloaks and coats, some with their 
 passage money in their hands, and took their places 
 apparently with the full expectation of being sick. 
 
 The French packet-boats first gave symptoms of 
 animation, in the shape of a few vigorous puffs from 
 the boiler, which were responded to by the Royal 
 George, whose rope was slipped without the usual 
 tinkle of the bell, and she shot out to sea, closely fol- 
 lowed by the Frenchman, who was succeeded by the 
 other English boat. Three or four tremendous, long- 
 protracted dives, each followed by a majestic rise on 
 the bosom of the waves, denoted the crossing of the 
 bar ; and just as the creaking of the cordage, the flap- 
 ping of the sails, and the nervous quivering of the 
 paddles, as they lost their hold of the water, were in 
 full viorour, the mate crossed the deck with a laree 
 white basin in his hand, the sight of which turned the 
 stomachs of half the passengers. Wlio shall describe 
 the misery that ensued } The groans and moans of
 
 ENGLISH ASD FRENCH. 167 
 
 the sufferers, increasing every minute, as the vessel 
 heaved and dived, and rolled and creaked, while hand- 
 basins multiplied as half-sick passengers caught the 
 green countenance and fixed eye of some prostrate 
 sufferer, and were overcome themselves. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks, what with his Margate trips, and a 
 most substantial breakfast of beef-steaks and porter, 
 tea, eggs, muffins, prawns, and fried ham, held out as 
 long as anybody — indeed, at one time the odds were 
 that he would not be sick at all ; and he kept walking 
 up and down deck like a true British tar. In one of 
 his turns he was observed to make a full stop. Imme- 
 diately before the boiler his eye caught a cadaverous- 
 looking countenance that rose between the top of a 
 blue camlet cloak, and the bottom of a green travelling- 
 cap with a large patent-leather peak ; he was certain 
 that he knew it, and, somehow or other, he thought, 
 not favourably. The passenger was in that happy 
 mood just debating whether he should hold out against 
 sickness any longer, or resign himself unreservedly to 
 its horrors, when Mr. Jorrocks's eye encountered his, 
 and the meeting did not appear to contribute to his 
 happiness. Mr. Jorrocks paused and looked at him 
 steadily for some seconds, during which time his 
 thoughts made a rapid cast over his memory. ' Ser- 
 geant B2imptio2is, by gum!' exclaimed he, giving his 
 thigh a hearty slap, as the deeply indented pock-marks 
 on the learned gentleman's face betrayed his identity. 
 ' Sergeant,' said he, going up to him, ' I'm werry 'appy 
 to see ye— maybe in the course of your practice at 
 Croydon, you've heard that there are more times than 
 one to catch a thief.' 'Who are you?' inquired the 
 sergeant with a growl, just at which moment the boat 
 gave a roll, and he wound up the inquiry by a donation 
 to the fishes. ' Who am I ?' replied Mr. Jorrocks, as
 
 1 68 THE ROAD^ 
 
 soon as he was done, ' I'll soon tell ye that — I'm 
 Mr. JoRROCKS ! — Jorrocks zuers7ts Cheetum, in fact — and 
 now that you have got your bullying toggery off, I'll be 
 'appy to fight ye either by land or sea.' ' Oh-h-h-h !' 
 eroaned the sergeant, at the mention of the latter 
 word, and thereupon he put his head over the boat, 
 and paid his second subscription. Mr. Jorrocks stood 
 eyeing him, and when the sergeant recovered, he ob- 
 served with apparent mildness and compassion, ' Now, 
 my dear sergeant, to show ye that I can return good 
 for evil, allow me to fetch you a nice 'ot mutton chop !' 
 * Oh-h-h-h-h!' groaned the sergeant, as though he 
 would die. ' Or perhaps you'd prefer a cut of boiled 
 beef with yellow fat, and a dab of cabbage ?' an alter- 
 native which was too powerful for the worthy citizen 
 himself— for, like Sterne with his captive, he had 
 drawn a picture that his own imagination could not 
 sustain — and, in attempting to reach the side of 
 the boat, he cascaded over the sergeant, and they 
 rolled over each other, senseless and helpless upon 
 deck. 
 
 ' Mew, mew' screamed the sea-gulls ; — * creak, creak,' 
 went the cordage ; — 'Jiop,Jiop' went the sails ; round 
 went the white basins, and the steward with the mop ; 
 and few passengers would have cared to have gone 
 overboard, when, at the end of three hours' misery, the 
 captain proclaimed that they were running into still 
 water off Boulogne. This intimation was followed by 
 the collection of the passage-money by the mate, and 
 the jingling of a tin box by the steward, under the 
 noses of the party, for perquisites for the crew. Jor- 
 rocks and the sergeant lay together like babes in the 
 wood until they were roused by this operation, when, 
 with a parting growl at his companion, Mr. Jorrocks 
 o-ot up; and though he had an idea in his own mind
 
 ENGLISH AND FRENCH. 169 
 
 that a man had better live abroad all his life than 
 encounter such misery as he had undergone, for the 
 purpose of returning to England, he recollected his 
 intended work upon France, and began to make his 
 observations upon the town of Boulogne, towards 
 which the vessel was rapidly steaming. ' Not half so 
 fine as Margate,' said he; 'the houses seem all afraid 
 of the sea, and turn their ends to it instead of fronting 
 it, except yon great white place, which I suppose is the 
 baths;' and, taking his hunting telescope out of his 
 pocket, he stuck out his legs and prepared to make an 
 observation. * How the people are swarming down 
 to see us ! ' he exclaimed. ' I see such a load of 
 petticoats — glad Mrs. J. an't with us; may have some 
 fun here, I guess. Dear me, wot lovely women ! 
 wot ankles ! beat the English, hollow — would give 
 something- to be a single man ! ' While he made 
 these remarks, the boat ran up the harbour in good 
 style, to the evident gratification of the multitude who 
 lined the pier from end to end, and followed her in 
 her passage. ' Ease her! stop kej^! ' at last cried the 
 captain, as she got opposite a low wooden guard-house, 
 midway down the port. A few strokes of the paddles 
 sent her up to the quay, some ropes were run from 
 each end of the gruard-house down to the boat, within 
 . which space no one was admitted except about a dozen 
 soldiers or custom-house officers — in green coats, white 
 trousers, black sugar-loaf ' caps,' and having swords by 
 their sides — and some thick-legged fisher-women, with 
 long gold ear-rings, to lower the ladder for disembark- 
 ation. The idlers, that is to say, all the inhabitants of 
 Boulogne, range themselves outside the ropes, on foot, 
 horseback, in carriages, or anyhow, to take the chance 
 of seeing some one they know, to laugh at the melan- 
 choly looks of those who have been sick, and to criti-
 
 I70 THE ROAD. 
 
 cize the company, who are turned into the guarded 
 space Hke a tlock of sheep before them. 
 
 Mr, Jorrocks, having scaled the ladder, gave himself 
 a hearty and congratulatory shake on again finding 
 himself on terra firma, and sticking his hat jauntily on 
 one side, as though he didn't know what sea-sickness 
 was, proceeded to run his eye along the spectators on 
 one side of the ropes ; when presently he was heard to 
 exclaim, ' My vig, there's Thompson ! He owes us a 
 hundred pounds, and has been doing these three years.' 
 And thereupon he bolted up to a fine-looking young 
 fellow — with mustachios, in a hussar foraging cap stuck 
 on one side of his head, dressed in a black velvet 
 shooting-jacket, and with half a jeweller's shop about 
 him in the way of chains, brooches, rings, and buttons — 
 who had brought a good-looking bay horse to bear 
 with his chest against the cords. ' Thompson,' said 
 Mr. Jorrocks, in a firm tone of voice, 'how are you ?' 
 ' How do ye do. Mister Jorrocks,' drawled out the 
 latter, taking a cigar from his mouth, and puffing a 
 cloud of smoke over the grocer's head. 'Well, I'm 
 werry well, but I should like to have a few moments' 
 conversation with you.' ' Would ye ? ' said Thompson, 
 blowing another cloud. 'Yes, I would; you remember 
 that 'ere little bill you got Simpkins to discount for 
 you one day when I was absent; we have had it b}^ us 
 a long time now, and it is about time you were taking 
 it up.' ' You think so, do you. Mister Jorrocks ; can't 
 you renew it ? I'll give you a draft on Aldgate pump 
 for the amount.' ' Come, none of your funning with 
 me, I've had enough of your nonsense : give me my 
 pewter, or I'll have that horse from under you ; for 
 though it has got the hair rubbed off its near knee, it 
 will do werry well to carry me with the Surrey occa- 
 sionally.' 'You old fool,' said Thompson, 'you forget
 
 ENGLISH AND FRENCH. 171 
 
 where you are ; if I could pay you your little bill, do 
 you suppose I would be here ? You can't squeeze 
 blood out of a turnip, can ye ? But I'll tell you what, 
 my covey, if I can't give you satisfaction in money, 
 you shall give me the satisfaction of a gentleman if 
 you don't take care what you are about, you old tinker. 
 By Jove, I'll order pistols and coffee for two to-morrow 
 morning at Napoleon's column, and let the daylight 
 through your carcase, if you utter another syllable 
 about the bill. Why, now, you stare as Balaam did 
 at his ass, when he found it capable of holding an 
 argument with him ! ' 
 
 And, true enough, Jorrocks was dumbfounded at 
 this sort of reply from a creditor, it not being at all in 
 accordance with the ' Lex mercatoria,' or law of mer- 
 chants, and quite unknown on 'Change. Before, how- 
 ever, he had time to recover his surprise, all the 
 passengers having entered the roped area, one of the 
 green-coated gentry gave him a polite twist by the coat- 
 tail, and with a wave of the hand and bend of his body> 
 beckoned him to proceed with the crowd into the guard- 
 house. After passing an outer room, they entered the 
 bureau by a door in the middle of a wooden partition, 
 where two men were sitting with pens ready to enter 
 the names of the arrivers in ledgers. 
 
 ' Votre nom et designation?' said one of them to 
 Mr. jorrocks — who, with a bad start, had managed 
 to squeeze in first — to which Mr. Jorrocks shook his 
 head. ' Sare, what's your name, sare ? ' inquired the 
 same personage. ' Jorrocks,' was the answer, delivered 
 with great emphasis, and thereupon the secretary wrote 
 'Shorrock.' — 'Monsieur Shorrock,' said he, looking 
 up, ' votre profession, Monsieur .'* Vot you arc, sare ? ' 
 ' A grocer,' replied Mr. Jorrocks, which caused a titter 
 from those behind who meant to sink the shop. ' Mar-
 
 i;; THE ROAD. 
 
 chaiul-Epicicr,' wrote the bureau-keeper. * Quel age 
 avcz vous, INIonsieur ? How old you are, sare ? ' ' Two 
 pound twcKx%' replied Mr. Jorrocks, surprised at his 
 inquisitiveness. ' No, sare, not vot monnay you have, 
 sare, bot how old you are, sare ? ' ' Well, two pound 
 twelve, fifty-two in fact.' Mr. Jorrocks was then passed 
 out, to take his chance amono- the touts and comnils- 
 sionnaires of the various hotels, who are enough to pull 
 passengers to pieces in their solicitations for custom. 
 In Boulogne, however, no man with money is ever 
 short of friends ; and Thompson having given the hint 
 to two or three acquaintances as he rode up street, 
 there were no end of broken-down sportsmen, levanters, 
 and gentlemen who live on the interest of what they 
 owe other people, waiting to receive Mr. Jorrocks. The 
 greetings on their parts were most cordial and enthu- 
 siastic, and even some who were in his books did not 
 hesitate to hail him ; the majority of the party, how- 
 ever, was composed of those with whom he had at 
 various times and places enjoyed the sports of the field, 
 but whom he had never missed until they met at 
 Boulogne. 
 
 Their inquiries were business-like and familiar : — 
 ' How are ye, Jorrocks ? ' cried one, holding out both 
 hands. ' How are ye, my lad of wax ? Do you still 
 play billiards ? — Give you nine, and play you for a Nap.' 
 ' Come to my house this evening, old boy, and take a 
 hand at whist for old acquaintance' cake,' urged the 
 friend on his left ; ' got some rare cognac, and a box 
 of beautiful Havannahs.' ' No, Jorrocks, — dine with 
 me,' said a third, ' and play chicken-hazard.' 'Don'tl 
 said a fourth, confidentially, ' he'll fleece ye like fun.' 
 ' Let me put your name down to our Pigeon Club; only 
 a guinea entrance and a guinea subscription — nothing 
 to a rich man like you.' ' Have you any coin to lend
 
 ENGLISH AND FRENCH. 173 
 
 on unexceptionable personal security, with a power of 
 killing and selling your man if he don't pay ? ' inquired 
 another. ' Are they going to abolish the law of arrest ? 
 'twould be very convenient if they did.' ' Will you 
 
 discount me a bill at three months ? ' 'Is B out of 
 
 the Bench yet ?' ' Who do they call Nodding Homer 
 in your hunt .'^ ' 'Oh, gentlemen, gentlemen!' cried 
 Mr. Jorrocks, ' go it gently, go it gently ! Consider the 
 day is 'ot, I'm almost out of breath, and faint for want 
 of food. I've come all the way from Angle-tear, as we 
 say in France, and lost my breakfast on the woyage. 
 Where is there an inn where I can recruit my famished 
 frame } What's this ? ' looking up at a sign. ' " Done a 
 boar in a manger',' what does this mean ? — where's my 
 French dictionary ? I've heard that boar is very good 
 to eat' ' Yes, but this boar is to drink,' said a friend on 
 the right ; 'but you must not put up at a house of that 
 sort ; come to the Hotel d'Orleans, where all the best 
 fellows and men of consequence go, a celebrated house 
 in the days of the Boulogne Hunt. Ah, that was the 
 time, Mr. Jorrocks ! we lived like fighting-cocks then ; 
 you should have been among us, such a rollicking set 
 of dogs ! could hunt all day, race maggots and drink 
 claret all night, and take an occasional by-day with the 
 hounds on a Sunday. Can't do that with the Surrey, I 
 guess. There's the Hotel d'Orleans,' pointing to it as 
 they turned the corner of the street ; 'splendid house it 
 is. I've no interest in taking you there, don't suppose 
 so ! but the sun of its greatness is fast setting — there's 
 no such shaking of elbows as there used to be — the 
 I O U system knocked that up. Still, you'll be very 
 comfortable ; a bit of carpet by your bed-side, curtains 
 to your windows, a pie-dish to wash in, a clean towel 
 every third day, and as many friends to dine with you 
 as ever you like — no want of company in Boulogne, I
 
 ly^ THE ROAD: 
 
 assure you. Here, Mr. W.,' addressing the inn-keeper, 
 wlio appeared at the door, ' this is the very celebrated 
 Mr. Jorrocks, of whom we have all heard so much, — • 
 take him and use him as you would your own son; 
 and. hark ye (aside), dojit forget I brought him.' 
 
 " 'Gar^'6'<^;^,"'said Jorrocks, after havingcomposed him- 
 self a little, during which time he was also composing 
 a French speech from his dictionary and Madame de 
 Genlis's* ' Manuel du Voyageur,' ' " a che hora [ora] 
 si pranza ? ' " looking at the waiter, who seemed asto- 
 nished. ' Oh, stop ! ' said he, looking again, ' thaVs 
 Italian — I've got hold of the wrong column. "A quelle 
 heure dine' — hang me if I know how to call this chap 
 — dine ^spelling it], " t'on ?" ' ' What were you wishing 
 to say, sir?' inquired the waiter, interrupting his display 
 of the language. ' Wot, do you speak English ? ' asked 
 Jorrocks, in amazement. ' I hope so, sir,' replied the 
 man, 'for I'm an Englishman.' 'Then, why the devil 
 did you not say so, you great lout, instead of putting 
 me into a sweat this 'ot day by speaking French to 
 you ? ' ' Beg pardon, sir, thought yon were a French- 
 man.' 'Did you, indeed?' said Jorrocks, delighted ; 
 ' then, by Jove, I do speak French ! Somehow or other 
 I thought I could, as I came over. Bring me a thunder- 
 ing beef steak, and a pint of stout, directly ! ' The 
 Hotel d'Orleans being a regular roast-beef and plum- 
 pudding sort of house, Mr. Jorrocks speedily had an 
 immense stripe of tough beef and boiled potatoes placed 
 before him, in the well-windowed ' salle a manger,' 
 and the day being fine he regaled himself at a table at 
 
 * For the benefit of our ' tarry-at-home ' readers, we should premise 
 that Madame de Genlis's work is arranged for the convenience of travellers 
 who do not speak any language but their o^\-n ; and it consists of dia- 
 logues on different necessary subjects, with French and Italian transla- 
 tions opposite the English.
 
 ENGLISH AND FRENCH. 175 
 
 an Open window, whereby he saw the smart passers-by, 
 and let them view him in return. 
 
 Sunday is a gay day in France, and Boulogne equals 
 the best town in smartness. The shops are better set 
 out, the women are better dressed, and there is a holi- 
 day brightness and air of pleasure on every countenance. 
 Then instead of seeing a sulky husband trudging be- 
 hind a pouting wife with a child in her arms, an infallible 
 sign of a Sunday evening in England, they trip away 
 to the rural fete champetre, where with dancing, 
 lemonade, and love, they pass away the night in tem- 
 perate if not innocent hilarity. ' Happy people ! that 
 once a week, at least, lay down their cares, and dance 
 and sing, and sport away the weights of grievance, 
 which bow down the spirit of other nations to the 
 earth.' 
 
 The voyage, though short, commenced a new era in 
 Mr. Jorrocks's life, and he entirely forgot all about 
 Sunday and Dover dulness the moment he set foot on 
 sprightly France, and he no more recollected it was 
 Sunday, than if such a day had ceased to exist in the 
 calendar. Havino- bolted his steak, he orave his Hes- 
 sians their usual flop with his handkerchief, combed his 
 whiskers, pulled his wig straight, and sallied forth, 
 dictionary in hand, to translate the signs, admire the 
 clever little children talki7ig French, quiz the horses, 
 and laugh at everything he didn't understand; to spend 
 his first afternoon, in short, as nine-tenths of the 
 English who go * abroad ' are in the habit of doing. 
 
 Early the next morning, Mr. J or rocks and the York- 
 shireman, accompanied by the commissionnaire of the 
 Hotel d'Orleans, repaired to the upper town, for the 
 purpose of obtaining passports, and as they ascended 
 the steep street called Le Grand Rue, which connects 
 the two towns, they held a consultation as to how the
 
 ,76 THE ROAD . 
 
 former should be described. A ' Marchand-Epicier ' 
 would obtain Mr. Jorrocks no respect, but, then, he 
 objected to the word ' Rentier.' ' What is the French 
 for fox-'unter ? ' said he, after a thoughtful pause, turn- 
 ine^ to his dictionary. There was no such word- 
 'Sportsman, then.-* Ay, Chasseur! how would that 
 read ? John Jorrocks, Esq., Chasseur, — not dad, I 
 think,' said he. ' That will do,' replied the Yorkshire- 
 man, ' but you must sink the Esquire now, and tack 
 " ]\Ionsieur " before your name, and a very pretty 
 euphonious sound "Monsieur Jorrocks'' will have; and 
 when you hear some of the little Parisian grisettes lisp 
 it out as you turn the garters over on their counters, 
 while they turn their dark flashing eyes over upon you, 
 it will be enough to rejuvenate your old frame. But 
 suppose we add to " Chasseur " — " Member of the 
 Surrey Hunt ?"' ' By all means,' replied Mr. Jorrocks, 
 delighted at the idea, and ascending the stairs of the 
 Consulate three steps at a time. 
 
 The Consul, Mons. De Horter, was in attendance 
 sitting in state, with a gendarme at the door and his 
 secretary at his elbow. ' Bon jour, Monsieur,' said he, 
 bowing, as Mr. Jorrocks passed through the lofty fold- 
 ing door ; to which our traveller replied, ' The top of 
 the morning to you, sir,' thinking something of that sort 
 would be right. The Consul, having scanned him 
 through his green spectacles, drew a large sheet of thin 
 printed paper from his portfolio, with the arms of 
 France placed under a great petticoat at the top, and 
 proceeded to fill up a request from His Most Christian 
 Majesty to all the authorities, both civil and military, of 
 France, and also of all the allied ' pays,' ' de laisser 
 librement passer' Monsieur John Jorrocks, Chasseur 
 and member of the //on^ de Surrey, and plusiers other 
 Honts; and also, Monsieur Stubbs, native of Angleterre,
 
 ENGLISH AND FRENCH. ,77 
 
 going from Boulogne to Paris, and to give them aid and 
 protection, 'en cas de besoin,'all of which Mr. Jorrocks 
 — like many travellers before him— construed into a 
 most flattering compliment and mark of respect, from 
 His Most Christian Majesty to himself 
 
 Under the word ' signalement ' in the margin, the 
 Consul also drew the following sketch of our hero, in 
 order, as Mr. Jorrocks supposed, that the King of the 
 Mouncheers might know him when he saw him : 
 ' Age de 52 ans 
 
 Taille dun metre 62 centimetres 
 Perruque brun 
 Front large 
 Yeux gris-sanguin 
 Nez moyen 
 Barbe grisatre 
 Vizage ronde 
 Teint rouge.' 
 He then handed it over to Mr. Jorrocks for his signa- 
 ture, who, observing the words 'Signature du Porteur' 
 at the bottom, passed it on to the porter of the inn, 
 until put right by the Consul, who, on receiving his fee, 
 bowed him out with great politeness. 
 
 Great as had been the grocer's astonishment at the 
 horses and carts that he had seen stirring about the 
 streets, his amazement knew no bounds when the first 
 Paris diligence came rolling Into town with six horses, 
 spreading over the streets as they swung about in all 
 directions — covered with bells, sheep-skins, worsted 
 balls, and foxes' brushes, driven by one solitary pos- 
 tillion on the off-wheeler. ' My vig,' cried he, * here's 
 Wombwell's wild-beast show ! What the deuce are 
 they doing in France ? Pve not heard of them since 
 last Bartlemy fair, when I took my brother Joe's children 
 to see them fed. Ikit stop — this is full of men ! My 
 
 N
 
 178 
 
 rilE ROAD 
 
 eyes, so it is ! It's what young Dutch Sam would call 
 a via/e coach, because there are no females about it. 
 Well, I declare, I am almost sorry I did not bring 
 Mrs. J. Wot would they think to see such a concern in 
 Cheapside ? Why, it holds half a township — a perfect 
 willage on wheels. My eyes, wot a curiosity ! Well, 
 I never thought to live to see such a sight as this ! — 
 wish it was going our way, that I might have a ride in 
 it. Hope ours will be as big.' Shortly after theirs did 
 arrive, and Mr. Jorrocks was like a perfect child with 
 delight. It was not a male coach, however, for in the 
 different compartments were five or six ladies. ' Oh, 
 wot elegant creatures,' cried he, eyeing them ; ' I could 
 ride to Jerusalem with them without being tired ; wot 
 a thincr it is to be a bachelor ! ' 
 
 The conducteur — with the usual frogged, tagged, 
 embroidered jacket, and fur-bound cap, — having hoisted 
 their luggage on high, the passengers w^ho had turned 
 out of their respective compartments to stretch their 
 legs after their cramping from Calais, proceeded to 
 resume their places. There were only two seats 
 vacant in the interior, or, as Mr. Jorrocks called it, the 
 * middle house,' consequently the Yorkshireman and he 
 crossed legs. The other four passengers had corner 
 seats, things much coveted by French travellers. On 
 Mr. Stubbs's right sat an immense Englishman, enve- 
 loped in a dark blue camlet cloak, fastened with bronze 
 lion-head clasps, a red neck-cloth, and a shabby, napless, 
 broad-brimmed, brown hat. His face was large, round, 
 and red, without an atom of expression, and his little 
 pig eyes twinkled over a sort of a mark that denoted 
 where his nose should have been ; in short, his head 
 was more like a barber's wig block than anything else, 
 and his outline would have formed a model of the dome 
 of St. Paul's. On the Yorkshireman's left was a chatter-
 
 ENGLISH AND FRENCH. 179 
 
 ing young red-trousered dragoon, in a frock-coat and 
 flat foraging cap with a flying tassel. Mr. Jorrocks was 
 more fortunate than his friend, and rubbed sides with 
 two women; one was EngHsh, either an upper nursery- 
 maid or an under governess, but wlio might be safely 
 trusted to travel by herself. She was dressed in a 
 black beaver bonnet lined with scarlet silk, a nankeen 
 pelisse with a blue ribbon, and pea-green boots, and 
 she carried a sort of small fish-basket on her knee, with 
 a 'plain Christian's prayer-book' on the top. The other 
 was French, approaching to middle age, with a nice, 
 smart, plump figure, good hazel-coloured eyes, a beau- 
 tiful foot and ankle, and very well dressed. Indeed, her 
 dress very materially reduced the appearance of her 
 age, and she was what the milliners would call remark- 
 ably well 'got up.' Her bonnet was a pink satin, with 
 a white blonde ruche surmounted by a rich blonde veil, 
 with a white rose placed elegantly on one side, and her 
 glossy auburn hair pressed down the sides of a milk- 
 white forehead, in the Madonna style. — Her pelisse 
 was of ' violet-des-bois ' figured silk, worn with a black 
 velvet pelerine and a handsomely-embroidered collar. 
 Her boots were of a colour to match the pelisse; and a 
 massive gold chain round her neck, and a solitary pearl 
 ring on a middle finger, were all the jewellery she dis- 
 played. Mr. Jorrocks caught a glimpse of her foot and 
 ankle as she mounted the steps to resume her place in 
 the diligence, and pushing the Yorkshireman aside, he 
 bundled in directly after her, and took up the place we 
 have described. 
 
 The vehicle was soon in motion, and its ponderous 
 roll enchanted the heart of the grocer. Independently 
 of the novelty, he was in a humour to be pleased, and 
 everything with him was coidair de rose. Not so tlie 
 Yorkshireman's right-hand neighbour, who lounged in
 
 ,8o THE ROAD 
 
 the corner, muffled up in his cloak, muttering and curs- 
 ini^ at every jolt of the diligence, as it bumped across 
 the gutters and jolted along the streets of Boulogne. 
 At leno-th having got off the pavement, after crushing 
 along at a trot through the soft road that immediately 
 succeeds, they reached the little hill near Mr. Goose- 
 man's farm, and the horses gradually relaxed into a 
 walk, when he burst forth with a tremendous oath, 
 swearine that he had 'travelled three hundred thousand 
 miles, and never saw horses walk up such a bit of a bank 
 before.' He looked round the diligence in the expecta- 
 tion of some one joining him, but no one deigned a 
 reply, so, with a growl and a jerk of his shoulders, he 
 again threw himself into his corner. The dragoon and 
 the French lady then began narrating the histories 
 of their lives, as the French people always do, and 
 Mr. Jorrocks and the Yorkshireman sat looking at each 
 other. At length Mr. Jorrocks, pulling his dictionary 
 and Madame de Genlis out of his pocket, observed, ' I 
 quite forgot to ask the guard at what time we dine — a 
 most important consideration, for I hold it unfair to take 
 one's stomach by surprise, and a man should have due 
 notice, that he may tune his appetite accordingly. I 
 have always thought that there's as much dexterity 
 required to bring an appetite to table in the full bloom 
 of perfection, as there is in training an 'oss to run on a 
 particular day. — Let me see,' added he, turning over 
 the pages of De Genlis, — ' it will be under the head of 
 eating and drinking, I suppose. — Here it is — (opens 
 and reads) — " I have a good appetite — I am hungry — 
 I am werry hungry — I am almost starved " — that won't 
 do — " I have eaten enough " — that won't do either. — 
 " To breakfast " — no. — But here it is, by Jingo — " Dia- 
 logue before dinner" — capital book for us travellers, 
 this Mrs. de Genlis— (reads) " Pray, take dinner with
 
 ENGLISH A ND FRENCH. 1 8 1 
 
 US to-day, I shall give you plain fare." — That means 
 rough and enough, I suppose,' observed Mr. Jorrocks 
 to the Yorkshireman. — '"What time do we dine to-day? 
 French : A quelle heure dinons-nous aujourd'hui ? — 
 Italian : A che hora (ora) si prancey (pranza) oggi ?" ' 
 ' Ah, Monsieur, vouz parlez Fran9ais a merveille,' said 
 the French lady, smiling with the greatest good nature 
 upon him. * A marble I ' said Mr. Jorrocks, ' wot does 
 that mean ? ' preparing to look it out in the dictionary. 
 'Ah, Monsieur, I shall you explain — you speak French 
 like a natif.' ' Indeed ! ' said Mr. Jorrocks, with a bow, 
 ' I feel werry proud of your praise ; and your English 
 is quite delightful. — By Jove,' said he to the Yorkshire- 
 man, with a most self-satisfied grin, ' you were right in 
 what you told me about the gals calling me Mojisieur. 
 — I declare she's driven right home to my 'art — trans- 
 fixed me at once, in fact.' 
 
 Everyone who has done a little ' voyaging,' as they 
 call it in France, knows that a few miles to the south of 
 Samer rises a very steep hill, across which the route 
 lies, and that diligence travellers are generally invited 
 to walk up it. A path which strikes off near the foot 
 of the hill, across the open, cuts off the angle, and — 
 diligences being anything but what the name would 
 imply, — the passengers, by availing themselves of the 
 short cut, have ample time for striking up confabs, and 
 inquiring into the comforts of the occupiers of the various 
 compartments. Our friends of the ' interior ' were all 
 busy jabbering and talking — some with their tongues, 
 others with their hands and tongues — with the excep- 
 tion of the monster in the cloak, who sat like a sack in 
 the corner, until the horses, having reached the well- 
 known breathing-place, made a dead halt, and the 
 conducteur proceeded to invite the party to descend 
 and 'promenade' up the hill. 'What's happened now.?/
 
 THE ROAD : 
 
 cried the monster, jumping up as the door opened ; 
 ' surely, they don't expect us to walk up this mountain! 
 I've travelled three hundred thousand miles, and was 
 never asked to do such a thing in all my life before. / 
 li'ont do it ; I paid for riding, and ride I will. You 
 are all a set of infamous cheats,' said he to the con- 
 ducteur, in good plain English ; but the conducteur 
 not understandinor the lanoruao-e, shut the door as soon 
 as all the rest were out, and let him roll on by himself. 
 Jorrocks stuck to his woman, who had a negro boy in 
 the rotonde, dressed in baggy slate-coloured trousers, 
 with a green waistcoat and a blue coat, with a coronet 
 on the button, who came to hand her out, and was 
 addressed by the heroic name of ' Agamemnon.' 
 Jorrocks got a glimpse of the button, but, not under- 
 standing foreign coronets, thought it was a crest ; 
 nevertheless, he thought he might as well inquire who 
 his friend was, so, slinking back as they reached the 
 foot of the hill, he got hold of the nigger, and asked 
 what they called his missis. jMassa did not understand, 
 and Mr. Jorrocks, sorely puzzled how to explain, again 
 had recourse to the ' Manuel du Yoyageur ; ' but 
 Madame de Genlis had not anticipated such an occur- 
 rence, and there was no dialogue adapted to his situation. 
 There was a conversation with a lacquey, however, 
 commencing with — ' Are you disposed to enter into my 
 service ? ' and, in the hope of hitting upon something 
 that would convey his wishes, he ' hark'd forward,' and 
 passing by — ' Are you married.''' arrived at — ' What is 
 your wife's occupation ?' ' Que fait votre femme?' said 
 he, suiting the action to the word, and pointing to 
 Madame. Agamemnon showed his ivories, as he 
 laughed at the idea of Jorrocks calling his mistress his 
 wife, and by signs and words conveyed to him some 
 idea of the importance of the personage to whom he 
 
 I
 
 ENGLISH AXD FRENCH. 183 
 
 alluded. Thjs he did most completely, for before the 
 diligence came up, Jorrocks pulled the Yorkshireman 
 aside, and asked if he was aware that they were travel- 
 ling with a real live Countess ; * Madame la Countess 
 Benayolio, the nigger informs me,' said he; * a werry 
 grandc fanme, though what that means I don't know.' 
 ' Oh, Countesses are common enough here,' replied 
 the Yorkshireman; ' I daresay she's a stay-maker. I 
 remember a paint-maker who had a German Baron for 
 a colour-grinder once.' ' Oh,' said Jorrocks, ' you are 
 jealous — you always try to run dioyNViVixy friends ; but that 
 won't do, I'm wide awake to your tricks; ' so saying, he 
 shuffled off, and getting hold of the Countess, helped 
 Agamemnon to hoist her into the diligence. He was 
 most insinuating for the next two hours, and jabbered 
 about love and fox-hunting, admiring the fine, flat, open 
 country, and the absence of hedges and flints; but as 
 neither youth nor age can subsist on love alone, his 
 confounded appetite began to trouble him, and got 
 quite the better of him before they reached Abbeville. 
 Every mile seemed a league, and he had his head out 
 of the window at least twenty times before they came 
 in sight of the town. At length the diligence got its 
 slow length dragged not only to Abbeville, but to the 
 sign of the ' Fidele Berger ' — or ' Fiddle Burgur,' as 
 Mr. Jorrocks pronounced it — where they were to dine. 
 The door being opened, out he jumped, and with his 
 Manuel du Voyageur in one hand, and the Countess 
 Benet^olio in the other, he pushed his way through the 
 crowd of ' pauvres miserables ' congregated under the 
 gateway, who exhibited every species of disease and 
 infirmity that poor human nature is liable or heir to, 
 and entered the hotel. The Sally Manger, as he 
 called it, was a long brick-floored room on the base- 
 ment, with a white stove at one end, and the walls
 
 ,84 THE ROAD. 
 
 plentifully decorated with a panoramic view of the 
 Grand N'aiion wallopping the Spaniards at the siege 
 of Saragossa. The diligence being a leetle behind 
 time as usual, the soup was on the table when they 
 entered. The passengers quickly ranged themselves 
 round, and, with his mouth watering as the female 
 gar^on lifted the cover from the tureen, Mr. Jorrocks 
 sat in the expectation of seeing the rich contents ladled 
 into the plates. His countenance fell fifty per cent, as 
 the first spoonful passed before his eyes. — ' My vig, 
 why, it's water ! ' exclaimed he — ' water, I do declare, 
 with worms* in it — I can't eat such stuff as that — it's 
 not man's meat — oh dear, oh dear, I fear I've made a 
 terrible mistake in coming to France ! Never saw 
 such stuff as this at Bleaden's or Birch's, or anywhere 
 in the city.' * I've travelled three hundred thousand 
 miles,' said the fat man, sending his plate from him in 
 disgust, 'and never tasted such a mess as this before.' 
 ' I'll show them up in The Times,' cried Mr. Jorrocks; 
 ' and, look, what stuff is here — beef boiled to rags ! — 
 well, I never, no never, saw anything like this before. 
 Oh, I wish I was in Great Coram-street again ! — I'm 
 sure I can't live here — I wonder if I could get a return 
 chaise — waiter — ^^iXsoon — cuss ! Oh dear ! I see 
 Madame de Genlis is of no use in a pinch — and yet 
 what a dialogue here is ! Oh heavens ! grant your poor 
 Jorrocks but one request, and that is the contents of a 
 single sentence. " I want a roasted or boiled leg of 
 mutton, beef, hung beef, a quarter of mutton, mutton 
 chops, veal cutlets, stuffed tongue, dried tongue, hog's 
 pudding, white sausage, meat sausage, chicken with 
 rice, a nice fat roast fowl, roast chicken with cressy, 
 roast or boiled pigeon, a fricassee of chicken, sweet- 
 bread, goose, lamb, calf's cheek, calf's head, fresh pork, 
 
 * Macaroni souia.
 
 ENGLISH AND FRENCH. 1S5 
 
 salt pork, cold meat, hash." — But where's the use of 
 titivating one's appetite with reading of such luxteries ? 
 Oh, what a wife Madame de Genlis would have made 
 for me ! Oh dear, oh dear, I shall die of hunger, I see 
 — I shall die of absolute famine — my stomach thinks 
 my throat's cut already ! ' In the height of his distress 
 in came two turkeys and a couple of fowls, and his 
 countenance shone forth like an April sun after a 
 shower. 'Come, this is better,' said he; ' I'll trouble 
 you, sir, for a leg and a wing, and a bit of the breast, for 
 I'm really famished— oh hang! the fellow's a French- 
 man, and I shall lose half the day in looking it out in 
 my dictionary. Oh dear, oh dear, where's the dinner 
 dialogue ! — well, here's something to the purpose. " I 
 will send you a bit of this fowl." " A little bit of the 
 fowl cannot hurt you." — No, nor a great bit either. 
 — " Which do you like best, a leg or a wing ? " 
 " Qii ainiez-vous le mieux la cuisse ou VaiW^ " ' Here 
 the Countess Benvolio, who had been playing a good 
 knife and fork herself, pricked up her ears, and, guess- 
 ing at Jorrocks's wants, interceded with her country- 
 man and got him a plateful of fowl. It was soon dis- 
 posed of, however, and half a dish of hashed hare or 
 cat, that was placed within reach of him shortly after, 
 was quickly transferred into his plate. A French 
 dinner is admirably calculated for leading the appetite 
 on by easy stages to the grand consummation of satiety. 
 It begins meagrely, as we have shown, and proceeds 
 gradually through the various gradations of lights, 
 savouries, solids, and substantial. Presently there was 
 a large dish of stewed eels put on. ' What's that ? ' 
 asked Jorrocks of the man — ' Poisson,' was the reply. 
 ' Poison I why, you infidel, have you no conscience ? ' 
 * Fishe' said the Countess, ' Oh, ay, I smell — eels — 
 just like what we have at the ecl-pye house at Twick- 
 enham—your ladyship. I am thirsty — '' gc soif," in fact.'
 
 ,86 THE ROAD. 
 
 'Ah, bon ! ' said the Countess, laughing, and giving 
 him a tumbler of claret. ' I've travelled three hundred 
 thousand miles,' said the fat man, * and never saw 
 claret drunk in that way before.' ' It's not werry good, 
 I think,' said Mr. Jorrocks, smacking his lips ; * if it 
 was not claret I would sooner drink port.' Some wild 
 ducks and fricandeau de z>ea2c which followed, were 
 cut up and handed round, Jorrocks helping himself 
 plentifully to both, as also to p07umes de terre a la 
 maitre d' hotel, and bread at discretion. ' Faith, but 
 this is not a bad dinner, after all's said and done, when 
 one gets fairly into it.' ' Fear it wnll be very expen- 
 sive,' observed the fat man. Just w^hen Jorrocks 
 began to think he had satisfied nature, in came a roast 
 leg of mutton, a beef-steak, ' a la G — d-dam,'* and 
 a dish of larks and snipes. ' Must have another 
 tumbler of wine before I can grapple with these 
 chaps,' said he, eyeing them, and looking into 
 Madame de Genlis's book : * " Q2,vsoo7i, donnez moi 
 un verre de vin," ' holding up the book and pointing 
 to the sentence. He again set too and ' went a good 
 one' at both mutton and snipes, but on pulling up 
 he appeared somewhat exhausted. He had not got 
 through it all yet, however. Just as he was taking 
 breath, 2. gajyoii entered with some custards and an 
 enormous omelette sonfflee, w^hose puffy brown sides 
 bagged over the tin dish that contained it. ' There's 
 a tart!' cried Mr. Jorrocks; 'oh, my eyes, wdiat a 
 swell ! — Well, I suppose I must have a shy at it. — 
 "In for a penny in for a pound ! " as we say at the Lord 
 Mayor's feed. Know I shall be sick, but, however, 
 here goes,' sending his plate across the table to the 
 
 * When the Giraffe mania prevailed in Paris, and gloves, handker- 
 chiefs, gowns, reticules, &c., were a la Giraffe, an Englishman asked a 
 waiter if they had any beef-steaks 'a la Giraffe.' ' No, Monsieur, but we 
 have them a la G — d-dem,' was the answer.
 
 ENGLISH AND FRENCH. 187 
 
 gar^on, who was going to help it. The first dive of 
 the spoon undeceived him as he heard it sound at the 
 bottom of the dish. ' Oh lauk, what a go ! All puff, 
 by Jove ! — a regular humbug — a balloon pudding, in 
 short ! I won't eat such stuff — give it to Mouncheer 
 there,' rejecting the offer off a piece. ' I like the 
 solids ; — will trouble you for some of that cheese, sir, 
 and don't let it taste of the knife. But what do they 
 mean by setting the dessert on before the cloth is re- 
 moved ? And here comes tea and coffee — may as 
 well have some, I suppose it will be all the same price. 
 And what's this ? ' eyeing a lot of liqueur glasses full 
 of eau de vie. Chasse-caf6, Monsieur,' said the gar^on. 
 ' Chasse calf — chasse calf — what's that ? Oh, I twio- — 
 what we call " shove in the mouth " at the Free-and- 
 Easy. Yes, certainly, give me a glass.' 'You shall 
 take some dessert,' said the Countess, handing him 
 over some peaches and biscuits. ' Well, I'll try my 
 hand at it, if it will obkge your ladyship, but I really 
 have had almost enough.' 'And some abricot,' said 
 she, helping him to a couple of fine juicy ones. ' Oh, 
 thank you, my lady, thank you, my lady, I'm nearly 
 satisfied.' ' Vous ne mangez pas,' said she, giving 
 him half a plate of grapes. ' Oh, my lady, you don't 
 understand me — I cant eat any more — I am regu- 
 larly high and dry — chock full — bursting, in fact' 
 Here she handed him a plate of sponge-cakes mixed 
 with bonbons and macaroons, saying, ' Vous etes 
 un pauvre mangeur — vous de mangez rien, Monsieur.' 
 ' Oh, dear, she does not understand me, I see. — 
 Indeed, my lady, I can not eat any more. — Ge 
 wo7id-&v2i, se ge conld-G.r2., mais ge can-ne-vdi pas ! ' 
 'Well, now, I've travelled three hundred thousand 
 miles, and never heard such a bit of French as that 
 before,' said the fat man, chuckling.
 
 No. IX. 
 MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS. 
 
 As the gray morning mist gradually dispersed, and 
 daylight began to penetrate the cloud that dimmed the 
 four squares of glass composing the windows of the 
 diligence, the Yorkshireman, half asleep and half 
 awake, took a mental survey of his fellow-travellers. 
 Before him sat his worthy friend, snoring away with 
 his mouth wide open, and his head, which kept bobbing 
 over on to the shoulder of the Countess, enveloped in 
 the ample folds of a white cotton nightcap. — She too 
 was asleep, and, disarmed of all her daylight arts, 
 dozed away in tranquil security. Her mouth also was 
 open, exhibiting rather a moderate set of teeth, and 
 her Ma.donna. /ro7i^ having got a twist, exposed a mix- 
 ture of brown and iron-gray hairs at the parting-place. 
 Her bonnet swung from the roof of the diligence, and 
 its place was supplied by a handsome lace cap, fastened 
 under her chin by a broad-hemmed cambric handker- 
 chief Presently the sun rose, and a bright ray shoot- 
 ing into the Countess's corner, awoke her with a start, 
 and after a hurried glance at the passengers, who ap- 
 peared to be all asleep, she drew a small ivory-cased 
 looking-glass from her bag, and proceeded to examine 
 her features. Mr. Jorrocks awoke shortly after, and 
 with an av/ful groan exclaimed that his back-bone was 
 fairly worn out with sitting. ' Oh, dear!' said he, ' my
 
 MR. yORROCKS IN PARIS. 
 
 behind aches as if I had been kicked all the way from 
 Hockey-hole to Marylebone. Are we near Paris ? for 
 I am sure I can't find seat any longer, indeed I can't. 
 I'd rather ride two hundred miles in nine hours, like 
 H'osbaldeston, than be shut up in this woiture another 
 hour. It really is past bearing, and that's the long and 
 short of the matter.' This exclamation roused all the 
 party, who began yawning and rubbing their eyes and 
 lookine at their watches. The windows also were 
 lowered to take in fresh air, and on looking out they 
 found themselves rolling along a sandy road, lined on 
 each side with apple-trees, whose branches were 
 * groaning ' with fruit. They breakfasted at Beaumont, 
 and had a regular spread of beef-steak, mutton-chops, 
 a large joint of hot roast-veal, roast chickens, several 
 yards of sour bread, grapes, peaches, pears, and 
 plums, with vin ordinaire, and coffee au lait ; but 
 Mr. Jorrocks was off his feed, and stood all the time 
 to ease his haunches. 
 
 Towards three in the afternoon they caught the 
 first glimpse of the gilded dome of the Hospital of 
 Invalids, which was a signal for all the party to brush 
 up aud make themselves agreeable. Even the three- 
 hundred-thousand miler opened out and began telling 
 some wonderful anecdotes, while the Countess and 
 Mr. Jorrocks carried on a fierce flirtation, or whatever 
 else they pleased to call it. At last, after a deal of jargon, 
 \ he broke off by appealing to the Yorkshireman to know 
 ! what ' inn ' they should ' put up at ' in Paris. ' I don't 
 : know, I'm sure,' said he ; 'it depends a good deal upon 
 I how you mean to live. As you pay my shot it does 
 i not do for beggars to be choosers ; but suppose we try 
 \ Meurice's ?' 'Oh, no,' replied Mr. Jorrocks, 'her 
 ! ladyship tells me it is werry expensive, for the English 
 ; always pay through the nose if they go to English
 
 ,9o MR. yORROCKS IN PARIS. 
 
 houses ill Paris ; and, as zue talk French, we can put 
 up at a French one, you know.' ' Well, then, we can 
 try some of the French ones in the Rue de la Paix.' 
 ' Rue de la Pay ! no, by Jove, that won't do for me — 
 the werry name is enough — no Rue de la Pays for me, 
 at least if I have to pay the shot.' 'Well, then, you 
 must get your friend there to tell you of some place, 
 for I don't care twopence, as long as I have a bed, 
 where it is.' The Countess and he then laid their 
 heads together again, and when the diligence stopped 
 to change horses at St. Denis, Mr. Jorrocks asked the 
 Yorkshireman to alight, and taking him aside, an- 
 nounced with great glee that her ladyship, finding they 
 were strangers in the land, had most kindly invited 
 them to stay with her, and that she had a most 
 splendid house in the Rue des Mauvais-Garcons, orna- 
 mented with mirrors, musical clocks, and he didn't 
 know what, and kept the best company in all France, 
 marquesses, barons, viscounts, authors, &c. Before 
 the Yorkshireman had time to reply, the conducteur 
 came and hurried them back into the diligence, and 
 closed the door with a bang, to be sure of having his 
 passengers there while he and the postillion shuffled 
 the cards and cut for a glass of eau-de-vie apiece. 
 
 The Countess, suspecting what they had been after, 
 resumed the conversation as soon as Mr. Jorrocks was 
 seated — ' You shall manger cinque fois every day,* 
 said she ; ' cinque fois,' she repeated. — ' Humph,' said 
 Mr. Jorrocks to himself, 'what can that mean ? — cank 
 four — four times five's twenty — eat twenty times a 
 day — not possible !' ' Oui, Monsieur, cinque fois,' re- 
 peated the Countess, telling the number off on her 
 fingers — ' Cafe at nine of the matin, dejeuner a la 
 fourchette at onze o'clock, diner at cinque heure, cafe 
 at six hour, and souper at neuf hour.' ' Upon my
 
 MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS. 191 
 
 word,' replied Mr. Jorrocks, his eyes sparkling with 
 .pleasure, ' your offer is werry inviting. My lady,' said 
 he, bowing before her, ' je suis — I am much flattered.' 
 'And, Monsieur?' said she, looking at the Yorkshire- 
 man. He too assured her that he was very much 
 flattered, and was beginning to excuse himself, when 
 the Countess interrupted him somewhat abruptly by 
 turning to Mr. Jorrocks and saying, * He sail be your 
 son — n'est ce pas ?' ' No, my lady, I've no children,' 
 replied he, and the Countess's eyes in their turn 
 underwent a momentary illumination. 
 
 The Parisian barrier was soon reached, and the 
 man taken up to kick about the jaded travellers' lug- 
 gage at the journey's end. While this operation was 
 going on in the diligence yard, the Countess stuck 
 close to Mr. Jorrocks, and having despatched Aga- 
 memnon for a fiacre, bundled him in, luggage and all, 
 and desiring her worthy domestic to mount the box, 
 and direct the driver, she kissed her hand to the York- 
 shireman, assuring him she would be most happy to 
 see him, in proof of which, she drove away without 
 telling him her number, or where the Rue des Mauvais- 
 Gar^ons was. 
 
 Paris is a charming place after the heat of the 
 summer has passed away, and the fine, clear, autumnal 
 days arrive. Then is the time to see the Tuileries 
 gardens to perfection, when the Parisians have returned 
 from their chateaux, and emigrating English and those 
 homeward bound halt to renovate on the road ; then is 
 the time that the gayest plants put forth their brightest 
 hues, and drooping orange flowers scent the air which 
 silvery fountains lend their aid to cool. 
 
 On a Sunday afternoon, such as wc have described, 
 our friend Mr. Stubbs (who since his arrival had been 
 living very comfortably at the Hotel d'Hollandc, in
 
 192 MR. yORROCKS IN PARIS. 
 
 expectation of Mr. Jorrocks paying his bill) indulged 
 in six sous' worth of chairs^one to sit upon and one 
 for each leg — and, John Bull-like, stretched himself 
 out in the shade beneath the lofty trees, to view the 
 gay groups who promena'ded the alleys before him. 
 First, there came a helmeted cuirassier, with his wife 
 in blue satin, and a little boy in his hand in uniform, 
 with a wooden sword, a perfect miniature of the father; 
 then a group of short-petticoated, shuffling French- 
 women, each with an Italian greyhound in slips, fol- 
 lowed by an awkward Englishman with a sister on 
 each arm, all stepping out like grenadiers ; then came 
 a ribbon'd chevalier of the Legion of Honour, whose 
 hat was oftener in his hand than on his head, followed 
 by a nondescript-looking militaire with fierce musta- 
 chios, in shining jack-boats, white leathers, and a sort 
 of Italian military cloak, with one side thrown over the 
 shoulder, to exhibit the wearer's leg, and the bright 
 scabbard of a large sword, while on the hero's left arm 
 hung a splendidly-dressed woman. ' What a figure ! ' 
 said the Yorkshireman to himself, as they came before 
 him, and he took another good stare — ' Yet stay — no, 
 impossible ! Gracious Heaven ! it can't be — and yet 
 it is — by Jove, it's Jorrocks ! ' 
 
 ' Why now, you old imbecile,' cried he, jumping off 
 his chairs and running up to him, ' what are you after ? ' 
 bursting into a loud laugh, as he looked at Mr. Jor- 
 rocks's mustachios (a pair of great false ones). Is there 
 no piece of Tom-foolery too great for you ? What's 
 come across you now ? Where the deuce did you get 
 these things ? ' taking hold of the curls at one side of 
 his mustachios, 
 
 'How now?' roared Mr. Jorrocks with rage and 
 astonishment. 'How now! ye young scaramouch, 
 vot do you mean by insulting a gentleman sportsman
 
 MR. yORROCKS IN PARIS. 193 
 
 in broad daylight, in the presence of a lady of quality ? 
 By Jingo,' added he, his eyes sparkling with rage, ' if 
 you are not off before I can say "dumpling," I'll run 
 you through the gizzard and give your miserable 
 carcase to the dogs/ suiting the action to the word, and 
 groping under his cloak for the hilt of his sword. — A 
 crowd collected, and the Yorkshireman perceiving signs 
 of a scene, slunk out of the mel^e, and Mr. Jorrocks, 
 after an indignant shake or two of his feathers and curl 
 of his mustachios, pursued his course up the gardens. 
 
 This was the first time they had met since their 
 arrival, which was above a week before ; indeed, it was 
 nine days, for the landlord of the house where the 
 Yorkshireman lived had sent his ' little bill ' two days 
 before this, it being an established rule of his house, 
 and one which was conspicuously posted in all the 
 rooms, that the bills were to be settled weekly; and 
 Mr. Stubbs had that very morning observed that the 
 hat of Monsieur I'Hote was not raised half so high 
 from his head, nor his body inclined so much towards 
 the ground as it was wont to be, — a pretty significant 
 hint that he wanted his cash. Now the Yorkshire- 
 man, among his other accomplishments, had a turn for 
 play, and unfortunately had been at the Salon the night 
 before, when, after a continuous run of ill luck, he 
 came away twelve francs below the amount of the hotel- 
 keeper's bill, consequently a rumpus with Mr. Jorrocks 
 could not have taken place at a more unfortunate mo- 
 ment. Thinking, however, a good night's rest or two 
 might settle him down, and put all matters right, he 
 let things alone until the Tuesday following, when 
 aofain finding Monsieur's little ' memoire ' on one side 
 of his coffee-cup, and a framed copy of the ' rules and 
 regulations ' of the house on the other, he felt con- 
 strained to take some decisive step towards its liquida- 
 
 o
 
 194 AIR- yORROCKS IN PARIS. 
 
 tion. Accordingly, having breakfasted, he combed his 
 hair straight over his face, and putting on a very peni- 
 tential look, called a cab, and desired the man to drive 
 him to the Rue des Mauvais-Gar^ons. — After zig- 
 zaq-gino-, twisting, and turning about in various 
 directions, they at last jingled to the end of a very 
 narrow, dirty-looking street, whose unswept pavement 
 had not been cheered by a ray of sunshine since the 
 houses were built. It was excessively narrow, and 
 there were no flags on either side ; but through the 
 centre ran a dribbling stream, here and there ob- 
 structed by oyster-shells, or vegetable refuse, as the 
 water had served as a plaything for children, or been 
 stopped by servants for domestic purposes. The 
 street being extremely old, of course the houses were 
 very large, forming, as all houses do in Paris, little 
 squares entered by folding doors, at one side of which, 
 in a sort of lodge, lives the Porter — ' Parlez au Portier ' 
 — who receives letters, parcels, and communications 
 for the several occupiers, consisting sometimes of 
 twenty or thirty different establishments in one house. 
 From this functionary may be learned the names of 
 the different tenants. Having dismissed his cab, the 
 Yorkshireman entered the first gate-way on his left, to 
 take the chance of gaining some intelligence of the 
 Countess. The Porter — a cobbler by trade — was 
 hammering away, last on knee, at the sole of a shoe, 
 and, with a grin on his countenance, informed the 
 Yorkshireman that the Countess lived next door but 
 one. A thrill of fear came over him on finding himself 
 so near the residence of his Indignant friend, but it 
 was of momentary duration, and he soon entered the 
 court-yard of No. 3 — where he was directed by an 
 unshaved, grisly-looking porter, to proceed ' mi trois- 
 ihne' and ring the bell at the door on the ridit-hand
 
 MR. yORROCKS IN PARIS. 195 
 
 side. Obedient to his directions, the Yorkshireman 
 proceeded to chmb a wide but dirty stone staircase, with 
 carved and gilded balusters, whose wall and steps had 
 known no water for many years, and at length found 
 himself on the landing opposite the very apartment 
 which contained the redoubtable Jorrocks. Here he 
 stood for a few seconds, breathinof and cooline himself 
 after his exertions, during which time he pictured to 
 himself the worthy citizen, immersed in papers, deeply 
 engaged in the preparation of his France in three 
 volumes, and wished that the first five minutes of their 
 interview were over. At length he mustered courage 
 to grasp a greasy-looking red tassel, and give a gentle 
 tinkle of the bell. The door was quickly opened by 
 Agamemnon in dirty loose trousers and slippers, and 
 without a coat. He recognized his fellow-traveller, and 
 in answer to his inquiry if Monsieur Jorrocks was at 
 home, grinned, and answered, ' Oh oui, certainement, 
 Monsieur le Colonel Jorrockes est ici,' and motioned 
 him to come in. The Yorkshireman entered the little 
 ante-room — a sort of scullery, full of mops, pans, dirty 
 shoes, dusters, candlesticks — and the first thing that 
 caught his eye was Jorrocks's sword, which Agamemnon 
 had been burnishing up with sand-paper and leather, 
 lying on a table before the window. This was not very 
 encouraging, but Agamemnon gave no time for reflec- 
 tion, and opening half a light salmon-coloured folding 
 door directly opposite the one by which he entered, the 
 Yorkshireman passed through, unannounced and unpcr- 
 ceived by Mr. Jorrocks or the Countess, who were 
 completely absorbed in a game of dominoes, sitting on 
 opposite sides of a common deal table, whose rose- 
 coloured silk cover was laid over the back of a chair. 
 Jorrocks was sitting on a stool with his back to the 
 door, and the Countess being very intent on the game,
 
 196 MR. yORROCKS IN PARIS. 
 
 Mr. Stubbs had time for a hasty survey of the company 
 and apartment before she looked up. It was about one 
 o'clock, and of course she was still en dSshabille, with 
 her nioht-cap on, a loose robe de chambre of flannel, 
 and a flaming broad-striped red-and-black Scotch shawl 
 thrown over her shoulders, and swan's-down lined 
 slippers on her feet, Mr. Jorrocks had his leather 
 pantaloons on, with a rich blue and yellow brocade 
 dressing-gown, and blue morocco slippers to match. 
 His jack-boots, to which he had added a pair of regi- 
 mental heel-spurs, were airing before a stove, which 
 contained the dying embers of a small log. The room 
 was low, and contained the usual allowance of red 
 figured velvet-cushioned chair, with brass nails ; the 
 window curtains were red-and-white on ring-s and orflded 
 rods ; a secretaire stood against one of the walls, and 
 there was a larofe mirror above the marble mantel- 
 piece, which supported a clock surmounted by a flying 
 Cupid, and two vases of artificial flowers covered with 
 glass, on one of which was placed an elegant bonnet of 
 the newest and most approved fashion. The floor, of 
 highly polished oak, was strewed about with play-bills, 
 slippers, curl-papers, boxes, cards, dice, ribbons, dirty 
 handkerchiefs, &c. ; and on one side of the deal table 
 was a plate containing five well -picked mutton-chop 
 bones, and hard by lay Mr. Jorrocks's mustachios and 
 a dirty small-tooth comb. 
 
 Just as the Yorkshireman had got thus far in his 
 survey, the Countess gave the finishing stroke to the 
 game, and Mr. Jorrocks, jumping up in a rage, gave 
 his leathers such a slap as sent a cloud of pipe-clay 
 flying into his face. ' Vous avez the deviVs own luck!' 
 exclaimed he, repeating the blow, when, to avoid the 
 cloud, he turned short round, and encountered the 
 Yorkshireman.
 
 MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS. 197 
 
 ' How now?' roared he at the top of his voice, 'who 
 sent for you? Have you come here to insult me in my 
 own house ? I'll lay my soul to an 'oss-shoe, I'll be too 
 many for ye ! Where's my sword ? ' 
 
 * Now, my good Mr. Jorrocks,' replied the York- 
 shireman very mildly, ' pray, don't put yourself into a 
 passion — consider the lady, and don't let us have any 
 unpleasantness in Madame la Duchesse Benvolio's 
 house,' making her a very low bow as he spoke, and 
 laying his hand on his heart. 
 
 ' D — n your displeasancies ! ' roared Jorrocks, 'and 
 that's swearing — a thing I've never done since my 
 brother Joe fobbed me of my bottom piece of mufhn. 
 Out with you, I say ! Out with ye ! you're a nasty 
 dirty blackguard ; I'm done with you for ever. I detest 
 the sight of you and hate ye afresh every time I see 
 you ! ' 
 
 ' Doucement, mon cher Colonel,' interposed the 
 Countess, ' ve sail play anoder game, and you sail had 
 von better chance,' clapping him on the back as she 
 spoke. ' I vontr bellowed Jorrocks; 'turn this chap 
 out first. I'll do it myself. H 'Agamemnon ! H 'Aga- 
 memnon ! happortez my sword ! bring my sword ! 
 totit suite, directly ! ' 
 
 ' Police ! Police ! Police ! ' screamed the Countess 
 out of the window ; ' Police ! Police! Police!' bellowed 
 Agamemnon from the next one ; ' Police ! Police ! 
 Police ! ' re-echoed the grisly porter down below ; and 
 before they had time to reflect on what had passed, a 
 sergeant's file of the national sfuard had entered the 
 hotel, mounted the stairs, and taken possession of the 
 apartment. The sight of the soldiers with their bright 
 bayonets, all fixed and gleaming as they were, cooled 
 Mr. Jorrocks's courage in an instant, and, after standing 
 a few seconds in petrified astonishment, he made a dart
 
 198 ^/A\ JORROCKS IN PARIS. 
 
 at his jack-boots and bolted out of the room. The 
 Countess Benvolio then unlocked her secretaire, in 
 which was a plated liqueur-stand with bottles and 
 glasses, out of which she poured the sergeant three, 
 and the privates two glasses each of pure eau de vie, 
 after which Agamemnon showed them the top of the 
 stairs. 
 
 In less than ten minutes all was quiet again, and the 
 Yorkshireman was occupying Mr. Jorrocks's stool. The 
 Countess then began putting things a little in order, 
 adorned the deal table with the rose-coloured cover — 
 before doing which she swept off Mn Jorrocks's mus- 
 tachios, and thrust a dirty white handkerchief and the 
 small-tooth comb under the cushion of a chair — while 
 Agamemnon carried away the plate with the bones. 
 ' Ah, le pauvre Colonel,' said the Countess, eyeing the 
 bones as they passed, ' he sail be von grand homme to 
 eat — him eat toujours — all day long — Oh, him mange 
 beaucoup — beaucoup — beaucoup ! He is von vare 
 amiable man, bot he sail not be moch patience. I guess 
 he sail be vare rich — n'est ce pas ? have many guinea? 
 — He says he keep beaucoup des chiens — many dogs 
 for the hont — he sail be vot dey call rom customer 
 (rum customer) in Angleterre, I think.' 
 
 Thus she went rattling on, telling the Yorkshireman 
 all sorts of stories about the pauvre Colonel, whom she 
 seemed ready to exchange for a younger piece of 
 goods with a more moderate appetite ; and finding 
 Mr. Stubbs more complaisant than he had been in the 
 diligence, she concluded by proposing that he should 
 accompany the Colonel and herself to a soiree-dansante 
 that evening at a friend of hers, another Countess, in 
 the 'Rue des Bons-Enfans.' 
 
 Being disengaged as usual, he at once assented, on 
 condition that the Countess would effect a reconciliation
 
 MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS. i99 
 
 between Mr. Jorrocks and himself, for which purpose 
 slie at once repaired to his room, and presently re- 
 appeared arm in arm with our late outrageously indig- 
 nant hero. The Colonel had been occupying his time 
 at the toilette, and was en grand costume — finely 
 cleaned leathers, jack -boots and brass spurs, with a 
 spick-and-span new blue military frock-coat, hooking 
 and eyeing up to the chin, and all covered with braid, 
 frogs, tags, and buttons. 
 
 ' Dere be von beau gar^on ! ' exclaimed the Countess, 
 turning him round after having led him into the middle 
 of the room — ' dat habit does fit you like vax.' ' Yes,' 
 replied Mr. Jorrocks, raising his arms as though he were 
 going to take flight, ' but it's rather tight — partiklarly 
 round the waist — shouldn't like to dine in it. What do 
 you think of it ? ' turning round and addressing the 
 Yorkshireman as if nothing had happened — * suppose 
 you get one like it ? ' ' Do,' rejoined the Countess, ' and 
 some of the other things — vot you call them. Colonel ? ' 
 ' What — breeches ?' ' Yes, breeches — but the oder name 
 — vot you call dem ? ' ' Oh, leathers ? ' replied Mr. Jor- 
 rocks. ' No, no, another name still.' ' I know no other. 
 Pantaloons, perhaps you mean ? ' ' No, no, not panta- 
 loons.' ' Not pantaloons ? — Then I know of nothing 
 else. You don't mean these sacks of things called 
 trousers ? ' taking hold of the Yorkshireman's. ' No, 
 no, not trousers.' ' Then really, my lady, I don't know 
 any other name.' ' Oh yes, Colonel, you know the 
 things 1 intend. Vot is it you call D^^vil in Angle- 
 terre ? ' ' Oh, we have lots of names for him — Old 
 Nick, for instance.'— * Old Nick breeches,' said the 
 Countess thoughtfully; 'no, dat sail not be it — vot 
 else?' 'Old Harry?' replied Mr. Jorrocks.— ' Old 
 Harry breeches,' repeated the Countess in the hope 
 of catching the name by the ear — ' no, nor dat either.
 
 J/A\ JO/^J^OCA'S IN PARIS, 
 
 encore anoder name, Colonel.' ' Old Scratch, then ? 
 ' Old Scratch breeches,' re-echoed the Countess — ' no, 
 dat shall not do.' ' Beelzebub ? ' rejoined Mr. Jorrocks. 
 ' Beelzebub breeches,' repeated the Countess — ' nor 
 dat.' ' Satan, then,' said Mr. Jorrocks. ' Oh oui ! ' re- 
 sponded the Countess with delight, ' sat^n ! black sditan 
 breeches — you shall von pair of black sat^n breeches, 
 like the Colonel.' 
 
 ' And the Colonel will pay for them, I presume ? ' 
 said the Yorkshireman, looking at Mn Jorrocks. 
 
 ' I carn't,' said Mr. Jorrocks in an undertone ; * I'm 
 nearly cleaned out, and shall be in Short's gardens 
 before I know where I am, unless I hold better cards 
 this evening, than I've done yet. Somehow or other, 
 these French are rather too sharp for me, and I've 
 been down upon my luck ever since I came. — Lose 
 every night, in fact, and then they are so werry anxious 
 for me to have my rewenge, as they call it, that they 
 make parties expressly for me every evening ; but, 
 instead of getting my rewenge, I only lose more and 
 more money. — They seem to me always to turn up 
 the king whenever they want him.- — To-night we are 
 going to a Countess's of werry great consequence, 
 and, as you know ecarte well, I'll back your play, 
 and, perhaps, we may do something between us.' 
 
 This being all arranged, Mr. Stubbs took his de- 
 parture, and Mr. Jorrocks having girded on his sword, 
 and the Countess having made her morning toilette, 
 they proceed to their daily promenade in the Tuileries 
 gardens. 
 
 A little before nine that evening, the Yorkshireman 
 again found himself toiling up the dirty staircase, and 
 on reaching the third landing was received by Aga- 
 memnon in a roomy uniform of a chasseur — dark 
 green and tarnished gold, with a cocked-hat and black
 
 MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS. 
 
 feather, and a couteau de chasse, slung by a shinino- 
 patent-leadier belt over his shoulder. The openino- 
 of the inner door displayed the worthy Colonel sittino- 
 at his ease, with his toes on each side of the stove (for 
 the evenings had begun to get cool), munching the 
 last bit of crust of the fifth perigord pie that the 
 Countess had got him to buy. — He was extremely 
 smart ; thin black gauze-silk stockings, black satin 
 breeches ; well-washed, well-starched white waistcoat 
 with a rolling collar, showing a large amplitude of 
 frill ; a blue coat with yellow buttons and a velvet 
 collar, while his pumps shone as bright as polished 
 steel. 
 
 The Countess presently sidled into the room, all 
 smirks and srhiles, as dressy ladies generally are when 
 well 'got up.' Rouge and the milliner had effectually 
 reduced her age from five and forty down to five and 
 twenty. She wore a dress of the palest pink satin, 
 with lilies of the valley in her hair, and an exquisitely 
 wrought gold armlet, with a most Lilliputian watch in 
 the centre. 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks having finished his pie -crust, and 
 stuck on his mustachios, the Countess blew out her 
 bougies, and the trio, preceded by Agamemnon with 
 a lanthorn in his hand, descended the stairs, whose 
 greasy, muddy steps contrasted strangely with the 
 rich delicacy of the Countess's beautifully slippered 
 feet. Having handed them into the voiture, Aga- 
 memnon mounted up behind, and in less than ten 
 minutes they rumbled into the spacious court-yard 
 of the Countess de Jackson, in the Rue des Bons- 
 Enfans, and drew up beneath a lofty arch at the 
 foot of a long flight of dirty black-and-white marble 
 stairs, about the centre of which was stationed a 
 lacquey de place to show the company up to the
 
 MR. yORROCKS IN PARIS. 
 
 ball. The Countess de Jackson (the wife of an 
 Enolish horse-dealer), lived in an entresol an t?^oisieme, 
 but the hotel being of considerable dimensions, her 
 apartment was much more spacious than the Countess 
 Benvolio's. Indeed, the Countess de Jackson, being 
 a Marchande des modes, had occasion for greater 
 accommodation, and she had five low rooms, whereof 
 the centre one was circular, from which four others, 
 consisting of an ante-room, a kitchen, a bedroom, 
 and salle a manger, radiated. 
 
 Agamemnon having opened the door of the fiacre, 
 the Countess Benvolio took the Yorkshireman's arm, 
 and at once f)roceecled to make the ascent, leaving 
 the Colonel to settle the fare, observing as they 
 mounted the stairs, that he was ' von excellent man, 
 but vare slow.' 
 
 ' Madame la Contesse Benvolio and Monsieur 
 Stoops /' cried the lacquey de place as they reached 
 the door of the low ante-room, where the Countess 
 Benvolio deposited her shawl, and took a final look 
 at herself in the glass. She again took the York- 
 shireman's arm and entered the round ball-room, 
 which, though low, and out of all proportion, had an 
 exceedingly gay appearance, from the judicious ar- 
 rangement of the numerous lights, reflected in costly 
 mirrors, and the simple elegance of the crimson 
 drapery, festooned with flowers and evergreens against 
 the gilded walls. Indeed, the hotel had been the 
 residence of an ambassador before the first revolution, 
 and this entresol had formed the private apartment 
 of his Excellency. The door immediately opposite 
 the one by which they entered, led into the Countess 
 de Jackson's bedroom, which was also lighted up, 
 with the best furniture exposed, and her toilette-table 
 set out with numberless scent-bottles, vases, trinkets,
 
 MR. yORROCKS IN PARIS. 203 
 
 and nick-nacks, while the salle a manger was con- 
 verted into a card-room. Having been presented in 
 due form to the hostess, the Yorkshireman and his 
 new friend stood surveying the gay crowd of beautiful 
 and well-dressed women, large-frilled and well-whis- 
 kered men, all chatting, and bowing, and dancing, 
 when a half-suppressed titter that ran through the 
 room attracted their attention, and turninof round, 
 Mr. Jorrocks was seen poking his way through the 
 crowd with a number of straws stickingf to his feet, 
 giving him the appearance of a feathered Mercury. 
 The fact was, that Agamemnon had cleaned his 
 shoes with the liquid varnish (French polish), and 
 forgetting to dry it properly, the carrying away 
 half the straw from the bottom of the fiacre was 
 the consequence, and Mr. Jorrocks having paid the 
 Jehu rather short, the latter had not cared to tell him 
 about it. 
 
 The straws were, however, soon removed without 
 interruption to the gaiety of the evening. Mr, Stubbs, 
 of course, took an early opportunity of waltzing with 
 the Countess Benvolio, who, as all French-women are, 
 was an admirable dancer, and Jorrocks stood by finger- 
 ing and curling his mustachios, admiring her movements, 
 but apparently rather jealous of the Yorkshireman. *I 
 wish,' said he after the dance was over, 'that you would 
 sit down at ecarte and let us try to win some of these 
 mouncheers' tin, for Fm nearly cleaned out. Let us go 
 into the card-room, but first let us see if we can find 
 anything in the way of nourishment, for I begin to be 
 hungry. Gar^^*?;/,' said he, catching a servant with a 
 tray full of eau sucree glasses, avez vous kickshaws to 
 eat ? ' putting his finger in his mouth — * ge wouderay 
 some refreshment' ' Oh oui,' replied the gar^on, taking 
 him to an open window overlooking the court-yard, and
 
 204 MR- 7ORROCKS IN PARIS. 
 
 extending his hand in the air, ' voila, monsieur, de tres 
 bon rafraichissement' 
 
 The ball proceeded with the utmost decorum, for 
 thouo-h composed of shopkeepers and such like, there 
 was nothing in their dress or manner to indicate any- 
 thino- but the best possible breeding. Jorrocks, indeed, 
 fancied himself in the very elite of French society, and, 
 but for a little incident, would have remained of that 
 opinion. In an unlucky moment he took it into his 
 head he could waltz, and surprised the Countess Ben- 
 volio by claiming her hand for the next dance. * It 
 seems werry easy,' said he to himself as he eyed the 
 couples gliding round the room; — 'at all ewents there's 
 nothing like trying, " for he who never makes an effort 
 never risks a failure.'" The couples were soon formed 
 and ranged for a fresh dance. Jorrocks took a con- 
 spicuous position in the centre of the room, buttoned 
 his coat, and, as the music struck up, put his arm round 
 the waist of his partner. The Countess, it seems, had 
 some misgivings as to his prowess in the dancing line, 
 and used all her strength to get him well off, but the 
 majority of the dancers started before him. At length, 
 however, he began to move, and went rolling away in 
 something between a gallop and a waltz, effecting two 
 turns, like a great cart-wheel, whiclj brought him bang 
 across the room, right into the track of another couple, 
 who were swinging down at full speed, making a cannon 
 with his head against both theirs, and ending by all 
 four coming down upon the hard boards with a tre- 
 mendous crash — the Countess Benvolio undermost, 
 then the partner of the other Countess, then Jorrocks, 
 and then the other Countess herself. Great was the 
 commotion, and the music stopped ; Jorrocks lost his 
 wig, and split his Beelzebub breeches across the knees, 
 while the other gentleman cracked his behind — and the
 
 •'^^
 
 MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS. 
 
 Countess Benvolio and the other Countess were con- 
 siderably damaged ; particularly the otJier Countess, 
 who lost four false teeth and broke an ear-ring. This, 
 however, was not the worst, for as soon as they were 
 all scraped together and set up right again, the other 
 Countess's partner attacked Jorrocks most furiously, 
 callinQ^ him a sacre-nom de-Dieu'd bete of an Eno-Hsh- 
 man, a mauvais sujet, a cochon, &c., &c., then spitting 
 on the floor — the greatest insult a Frenchman can offer 
 — he vapoured about being one of the ' grand nation,' 
 ' that he was brave — the world knew it,' and concluded 
 by thrusting his card — * Monsieur Charles Adolphe 
 Eugene, Confiturier, No. 15 bis. Rue Poupee' — into 
 Jorrocks's face. 
 
 It was now Jorrocks's turn to speak, so doubling his 
 fists, and getting close to him, he held one to his nose, 
 exclaiming, ' D — n ye, sir, je suis— Jorrocks ! — Je suis 
 an Englishman ! je vous lick within an inch of your 
 life ! — Je vous kick ! — je vous mill ! — je vous flabber- 
 gaster ! ' and concluded by giving him his card, * Mon- 
 sieur le Colonel Jorrocks, No. 3, Rue des Mauvais- 
 Gar9ons.' 
 
 A friend of the confectioner's Interposed and got him 
 away, and Mr. Stubbs persuaded Mr. Jorrocks to retire 
 Into the card-room, where they were speedily waited 
 upon by the friend of the former, who announced that 
 the Colonel must make an apology or fight, for, he said, 
 although Jorrocks was a ' Colonel Anglais,' still Mon- 
 sieur Eugene was of the Legion of Honour, and, con- 
 sequently, very brave and not to be Insulted with 
 Impunity. All this the Yorkshireman interpreted to 
 Mr. Jorrocks, who was most anxious to fight, and wished 
 It was light that they might go to work Immediately. 
 Mr. Stubbs therefore told the confectioner's friend (who 
 was also his foreman), that the Colonel would fight him
 
 2o6 MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS. 
 
 with pistols at six o'clock in the Bois de Boulogne, but 
 no sooner was the word ' pistols ' mentioned than the 
 friend exclaimed, with a grimace and shrug of his 
 shoulders, 'Oh horror, no! Monsieur Adolphe is brave, 
 but he will not touch pistols — they are not the w^eapons 
 of his country.' Jorrocks then proposed to fight him 
 with broad swords, but this the confectioner's foreman 
 declined on behalf of his principal, and at last the 
 Colonel suggested that they could not do better than 
 fight it out with fists. Now, the confectioner was ten 
 years younger than Jorrocks, tall, long-armed, and not 
 over-burthened wath flesh, and had moreover taken 
 lessons of Harry Harmer, when that worthy had his 
 school in Paris, so he thought the offer was a good one, 
 and immediately closed with it. Jorrocks, too, had 
 been a patron of the prize-ring, having studied under 
 Bill Richmond, the man of colour, and was reported to 
 have exhibited in early life (incog.) w'ith a pugilist of 
 some pretensions at the Fives-court, so, all things con- 
 sidered, fists seemed a very proper mode of settling 
 the matter, and that being agreed upon, each party 
 quitted the Countess de Jackson's — the confectioner 
 putting forth all manner of high-flown ejaculations and 
 prayers for success, as he groped about the ante-room 
 for his hat, and descended the stairs. ' Oh God of war ! ' 
 said he, throwing up his hands, 'w^ho guided the victori- 
 ous army of this grand nation in Egypt, w^hen, from 
 the pyramids, forty centuries beheld our actions — oh 
 brilliant sun, w'ho shone upon our armies at Jaffa, at 
 Naples, Montebello, Marengo, Austerlitz, Jena, and 
 Algiers, who blessed our endeavours, who knowest that 
 w^e are brave — brave as a hundred lions — look down on 
 Charles Adolphe Eugene, and enable him to massacre 
 and immolate on the altar of his wTath, this sacre-nom 
 de-Dieu'd beastly hog of an Englishman ' — and there-
 
 MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS. 207 
 
 upon he spit upon the flags with all the venom of a 
 viper. 
 
 Jorrocks, too, indulged in a few figures of speech, as 
 he poked his way home, though of a different descrip- 
 tion. * Now blister my kidneys,' said he, slapping his 
 thigh, ' but I'll sarve him out! I'll baste him as Randall 
 did ugly Borrock. I'll knock him about as Belcher did 
 the Big I key Pigg. I'll damage his mug as Turner did 
 Scroggins's. Y\\ fib him till he's as black as Agamemnon 
 — for I do feel as thouo-h I could fieht a few. 
 
 The massive folding doors of the Porte-Cocher at the 
 Hotel d'Hollande had not received their morning open- 
 ing, when a tremendous, loud, long protracted rat-tat-tat- 
 tat-tan, sounded like thunder throughout the extensive 
 square, and brought numerous night-capped heads to 
 the windows, to see whether the hotel was on fire, 
 or another revolution had broken out. The maitre 
 d'hotel screamed, the porter ran, the chef de cuisine 
 looked out of his pigeon-hole window, and the gardens 
 and male femmes des chambres rushed into the yard, 
 with fear and astonishment depicted on their coun- 
 tenances, when, on peeping through the grating of the 
 little door, Mr. Jorrocks was descried, knocker in hand, 
 about to sound a second edition. Now, nothing- is 
 more offensive to the nerves of a Frenchman than a 
 riotous knock, and the impertinence was not at all 
 mitigated by its proceeding from a stranger who ap- 
 peared to have arrived through the undignified medium 
 of a co-cou.* Having scanned his dimensions and 
 satisfied himself that, notwithstanding all the noise, 
 Jorrocks was mere mortal man, the porter unbolted 
 the door, and commenced a loud and energetic tirade 
 of abuse against ' Monsieur Anglais,' for his audacious 
 
 * Co-cous are nondescript vehicles that ply in the environs of Paris, 
 They are a sort of cross between a cab and a young diligence.
 
 :oS MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS. 
 
 thumping, which he swore was enough to make every 
 man of the national guard rush 'to arms.' In the 
 midst of the torrent, very Httle of which Mr. Jorrocks 
 understood, the Yorkshireman appeared, whom he 
 hurried into the ' co-cou,' bundled in after him, cried 
 ' alley !' to the driver, and off they jolted at a miserably 
 slow trot. A little before seven they reached the 
 village of Passy, where it was arranged they should 
 meet and proceed from thence to the Bois de Boulogne, 
 to select a convenient place for the fight ; but neither 
 the confectioner nor his second, nor anyone on his 
 behalf, was visible, and they walked the length and 
 breadth of the village, making every possible inquiry 
 without seeing or hearing anything of them. At 
 length, having waited a couple of hours, Mr. Jor- 
 rocks's appetite overpowered his desire of revenge, and 
 caused him to retire to the Chapeau-Rouge to indulge 
 in a ' fork breakfast.' Nature being satisfied, he called 
 for pen and ink, and with the aid of Mr. Stubbs drew 
 up the following proclamation (which to this day re- 
 mains posted in the salle a manger), a copy whereof 
 was transmitted by post to the confectioner at Paris. 
 
 ' Proclamation ! 
 
 ' I, John Jorrocks, of Great Coram-street, in the 
 County of Middlesex, Member of the Surrey Hunt, 
 in England, and Colonel of the Army when I'm in 
 France, having been grossly insulted by Charles 
 Adolphe Eugene, of No. 15 bis, Rue Poupee, Con- 
 fectioner, this day repaired to Passy, with the intention 
 of sarving him out with my fists ; but, neither he nor 
 anyone for him having come to the scratch, I, John 
 Jorrocks, do hereby proclaim the said Charles Adolphe 
 Eugene to be a shabby fellow and no soldier, and
 
 MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS. 209 
 
 totally unworthy the notice of a fox-hunter and a 
 gentleman sportsman, 
 
 (Signed) John Jorrocks. 
 
 (Countersigned) Stubbs.' 
 
 This being completed, and the bill paid, they re- 
 turned leisurely on foot to Paris, looking first at one 
 object, then at another, so that the Countess Benvolio's 
 dinner-hour was passed ere they reached the Tullerles 
 gardens, where, after resting themselves until It began 
 to get dusk, and their appetites returned, they repaired 
 to the Caf6 de Paris to destroy them again. — The 
 lofty well-gilded salon was just lighted up, and the 
 numberless lamps reflected in costly mirrors in almost 
 every partition of the wall, aided by the graceful 
 figures and elegant dresses of the ladies, interspersed 
 among the sombre-coated gentry, with here and there 
 the gay uniforms of the military, imparted a fairy air 
 to the scene, which was not a little heightened by the 
 contrast produced by Mr. Jorrocks's substantial figure, 
 stumping through the centre with his hat on his head, 
 his hands behind his back, and the dust of the day 
 hanging about his Hessians. 
 
 ' G^ivsoon,' said he, hanging up his hat, and taking 
 his place at a vacant table laid for two, * ge woudcrai 
 some wittles,' and, accordingly, the spruce-jacketed, 
 white-aproned gargon brought him the usual red- 
 backed book with gilt edges, cut and lettered at the 
 side like the index to a ledger, and, as Mr. Jorrocks 
 said, ' containing reading enough for a month.' ' Quelle 
 potage voulez vous, monsieur ? ' Inquired the gar^on 
 at last, tired of waiting while he studied the carte and 
 looked the words out In the dictionary. ' Avez vous 
 any potted lobster ? ' * Non,' said the gar^on, ' potage 
 au vermlcelle, au rlz, a la Julienne, consomme, et 
 
 p
 
 2,o MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS. 
 
 potac^e aux choux.' ' Old shoe ! who the devil do you 
 think eats old shoes here ? Have you any mock-turtle 
 or o-ravy soup ? ' 'Non, monsieur,' said the garcon with 
 a shrug of the shoulders. * Then avez vous any roast 
 beef? ' ' Non, monsieur; nous avons boeuf au nature! 
 — boeuf a la sauce piquante — boeuf aux cornichons 
 — boeuf a la mode — boeuf aux choux — boeuf a la sauce 
 tomate — bifteck aux pommes des terres.' * Hold 
 hard,' said Jorrocks ; 'I've often heard that you can 
 dress an ^<gg a thousand ways, and I want to hear no 
 more about it ; bring me a beef-steak and pomme de 
 terres for three.' ' Stop ! ' cried Mr. Stubbs, with 
 dismay — ' I see you don't understand ordering a 
 dinner in France — let me teach you. Where's the 
 carte?' * Here,' said Mr. Jorrocks, ' is "the bill of 
 lading," ' handing over the book. * Garcon, apportez 
 une douzaine des huitres, un citron, et du beurre frais,' 
 said the Yorkshireman, and while they were discuss- 
 ino- the propriety of eating them before or after the 
 soup, a beautiful dish of little green oysters made their 
 appearance, which were cncoj-cd before the first supply 
 was finished. * Now, Colonel,' said the Yorkshireman, 
 * take a bumper of Chablis,' lifting a pint bottle out of \ 
 the cooler. ' It has had one plunge in the ice-pail and 
 no more — see what a delicate rind it leaves on the 
 glass ! ' eyeing it as he spoke. ' Ay, but I'd rayther it 
 should leave something in the mouth than on the side 
 of the glass,' replied Mr. Jorrocks; ' I loves a good 
 strong generous wine — military port in fact — but here 
 comes fish and soup — wot are they ? ' ' Filet de sole 
 au gratin, et potage au macaroni avec fromage de 
 Parmesan. I'll take fish first, because the soup will 
 keep hot longest.' 'So will I,' said Mr. Jorrocks, 'for 
 I think you understand the thing — but they seem to 
 give werry small penn'orths — it really looks like 
 
 I
 
 MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS. 
 
 trifling with one's appetite — I likes the old joint — the 
 cut-and-come-again system, such as we used to have 
 at Sugden's in Cornhill — ^joint, wegitables, and cheese 
 all for two shillings.' * Don't talk of your joints here,' 
 rejoined the Yorkshireman — ' I told you before, you 
 don't understand the art of eating — the dexterity of 
 the thing consists in titivating the appetite with deli- 
 cate morsels so as to prolong the pleasure. A well- 
 regulated French dinner lasts two hours, whereas 
 you go off at score, and take the shine out of yourself 
 before you turn the Tattenham corner of your appe- 
 tite. But come, take another glass of Chablis, for your 
 voice is husky as though your throat was full of dust. 
 — Will you eat some of this boulli-vert } ' ' No, not no 
 bouleward for me, thank ye.' * Well, then, we will 
 have the " entree de boeuf " — beef with sauce tomate — 
 and there is a cotelette de veau en papillote ; — which 
 will you take?' 'I'll trouble the beef, I think; I 
 don't like that ere pantaloon cutlet much, the skin is 
 so tough.' ' Oh, but you don't eat the paper, man ; that 
 is only put on to keep this nice layer of fat ham from 
 melting ; take some, if it is only that you may enjoy 
 a glass of champagne after it. There is no meat like 
 veal for paving the way for a glass of champagne.' 
 ' Well, I don't care if I do, now you have explained 
 how to eat it, for I've really been troubled with 
 indigestion all day from eating one wholesale yester- 
 day ; but don't you stand potatoes — pommes des 
 terres, as we say in France ? ' ' Oh yes, fried, and 
 a la maitre d'hotel ; here they come, smoking hot. 
 Now, J., for a glass of champagne — take it out of 
 the pail — nay, man ! not with both hands round the 
 middle, unless you like it warm — by the neck, so,' 
 showing him how to do it, and pouring him out 
 a glass of still champagne. ' This won't do,' said
 
 2,2 MR. yOKROCKS IN PARIS. 
 
 Jorrocks, holding it up to the candle; ' gar soon ! 
 garsoon ! — no good — no bon — no fizzay, no fizzay,' 
 o-ivino- the bottom of the bottle a slap with his hand 
 to rouse it. ' Oh, but this is still champagne, ex- 
 plained the Yorkshireman, ' and far the best.' ' I 
 don't think so,' retorted Mr. Jorrocks, emptying the 
 class into his water-stand. ' Well, then, have a bottle 
 of the other,' rejoined the Yorkshireman, ordering 
 one. 'And who's to pay for it?' inquired Mr. Jor- 
 rocks. ' Oh, never mind that — care killed the cat — 
 give a loose to pleasure for once, for it's a poor heart 
 that never rejoices. Here it comes, and " may you 
 never know what it is to want," as the beggar boys 
 say. — Now, lets see you treat it like a philosopher — 
 the wire is off, so you've nothing to do but cut the 
 string, and press the cork on one side with your 
 thumb — Nay ! you've cut both sides ; ' fizz — pop — 
 bang, and away went the cork close past the ear of 
 an old deaf general, and bounded against the wall. — 
 ' Come, there's no mischief done, so pour out the 
 wine. — Your good health, old boy, may you live for 
 a thousand years, and I be there to count them ! 
 — Now, that's what I call good,' observed the York- 
 shireman, holding up his glass, * see how it dulls the 
 glass, even to the rim — champagne isn't worth a 
 copper unless it's iced — is it. Colonel } ' ' Vy, I don't 
 know — I carn't say I like it so werry cold ; it makes 
 my teeth chatter, and cools my courage as it gets 
 below — champagne certainly gives one werry gen- 
 tlemanly ideas, but for a continuance, I don't know 
 but I should prefer mild hale.' 'You're right, old 
 boy, it does give one werry gentlemanly ideas, so 
 take another glass, and you'll fancy yourself an em- 
 peror. — Your good health again.' ' The same to you, 
 sir. And now wot do you call this chap ? ' ' That
 
 MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS. 213 
 
 is a quail, the other a snipe — which will you take ? ' 
 ' Vy, a bit of both, I think ; and do you eat these 
 chaps with them?' 'Yes, nothing nicer — artichokes 
 a la sauce blanche ; you get the real eating part, 
 you see, by having them sent up this way, instead 
 of like haystacks, as they come in England, diving 
 and burning your fingers amid an infinity of leaves.' 
 ' They are werry pretty eating, I must confess ; and 
 this upper Binjamin of ham the birds are cooked 
 in is delicious. I'll trouble you for another plateful.' 
 ' That's right, Colonel, you are yourself again ; I 
 always thought you would come back into the right 
 course ; and now you are good for a glass of claret 
 of light Hermitage. Come, buck up, and give a loose 
 to pleasure for once.' ' For once, ay, that's what 
 you always say ; but your once comes so werry often.' 
 ' Say no more. — Gar^on ! un demi-bouteille de St. Ju- 
 lien; and here, J., is a dish upon which I will stake 
 my credit as an experienced caterer — a Charlotte de 
 pommes — upon my reputation it is a fine one, the 
 crust is browned to a turn, and the rich apricot sweet- 
 meat lies ensconced in the middle, like a sleeping babe 
 in its cradle. If ever man deserved a peerage and 
 a pension it is this cook.' * It's werry delicious — 
 order another.' * Oh, your eyes are bigger than your 
 stomach, Mr. J. According to all mathematical cal- 
 culation this will more than suffice. Ay, I thought 
 so — you are regularly at a stand-still. Take a glass 
 of whatever you like. Good — I'll drink Chablis to 
 your champagne. And now, that there may be no 
 mistake as to our country, we will have some cheese 
 — fromage de Roquefort, Gruyere, Neufchatel, or 
 whatever you like — and a beaker of Burgundy after, 
 and then remove the cloth, for I hate dabbling in 
 dowlas after dinner is done.'
 
 No. X. 
 SPORTING IN FRANCE. 
 
 ' Rum beggars these French,' said Mr. Jon-ocks to 
 himself, laying down the newspaper and taking a sip 
 of Churchman's chocolate, as on the Sunday morning 
 he sat with the Countess Benvolio, discussing rolls 
 and butter, with Galignani's Messenger, for breakfast. 
 
 * Rum beggars, indeed,' said he, resuming the paper, 
 and reading the programme of the amusements for the 
 day, commencing with the hour of Protestant service 
 at the Ambassador's chapel, followed on by Palace 
 and Gallery of Pictures of the Palais Royal — Review 
 with Military INIusic in the Place du Carousel — Horse- 
 races in the Champ de Mars — Fete in the Park of 
 St. Cloud — Combat d'Animaux, that is to say, dog- 
 fighting and bull-baiting, at the Barriere du Combat, 
 Tivoli, &c., &c. ' It's not werry right, but I suppose 
 at Rome we must do as Romans do,' with which com- 
 fortable reflection Mr. Jorrocks proposed that the 
 Countess and he should go to the races. Madame 
 was not partial to animals of any description, but 
 having got a new hat and feathers she consented to 
 show them, on condition that they adjourned to the 
 fete at St. Cloud in the eveninsf. 
 
 Accordingly, about noon, the ostler's man of a neigh- 
 bouring English livery stable drew up a dark-coloured 
 job cab, with a red-and-white striped calico lining, 
 drawn by a venerable long-backed white horse, at 
 
 I
 
 SPOR TING IN FRANCE. 2 1 5 
 
 [ the Countess's gateway In the Rue des Mauvais- 
 Gar9ons, into which Mr. Jorrocks having handed her 
 ladyship, and Agamemnon, who was attired in his 
 chasseur uniform, having cHmbed up behind, the old 
 horse, after two or three flourishes of his dirty white 
 tail, as a sort of acknowledgment of the whip on 
 his sides, got himself into motion, and proceeded on 
 his way to the races. The Countess being resolved 
 to cut a dash, had persuaded our hero to add a smart 
 second-hand cocked-hat, with a flowing red-and-white 
 feather, to the rest of his military attire ; and the end 
 of a scarlet handkerchief peeping out at the breast of 
 his embroidered frock-coat, gave him the appearance 
 of wearing a decoration, and procured him the usual 
 salute from the soldiers and veterans of the Hospital 
 of Invalids, who were lounging about the ramparts 
 and walks of the edifice. The Countess's costume 
 was simple and elegant ; a sky-blue satin pelisse with 
 boots to match, and a white satin bonnet with white 
 feathers, tipped with blue, and delicate primrose- 
 coloured gloves. Of course the head of the cab 
 was well thrown back to exhibit the elegant inmates 
 to the world. 
 
 Great respect is paid to the military In France, as 
 Mr. Jorrocks found by all the hack cab and fiacre 
 drivers pulling up and making way for him to pass, 
 as the old crocodile -backed white horse slowly 
 dragged its long length to the gateway of the 
 Champ de Mars. Here the guard, both horse and 
 foot, saluted him, which he politely acknowledged, 
 under direction of the Countess, by raising his chapeau 
 bras, and a subaltern was despatched by the officer In 
 command to conduct him to the place appointed for 
 the carriages to stand. But for this piece of attention 
 Mr. Jorrocks would certainly have drawn up at the
 
 2 1 6 SPO/^ TING IN FRANCE. 
 
 splendid building of the Ecole Militaire, standing as it 
 does like a grand stand in the centre of the gravelly 
 dusty plain of the Champ de Mars. The officer, 
 having speared his way through the crowd with the 
 usual courtesy of a Frenchman, at length drew up 
 the cab in a long line of anonymous vehicles under 
 the rows of stunted elms by the stone-lined ditch, 
 on the southern side of the plain, when turning his 
 charger round, he saluted Mr. Jorrocks, and bumped 
 off" at a trot. Mr. Jorrocks then stuck the pig-driving 
 whip into the socket, and throwing forward the apron, 
 handed out the Countess, and installed Agamemnon 
 in the cab. 
 
 A fine day and a crowd make the French people 
 thoroughly happy, and on this afternoon the sun shone 
 brightly and warmly on the land ; — still there was no 
 apparently settled purpose for the assembling of the 
 multitude, who formed themselves in groups upon 
 the plain, or lined the grass-burnt mounds at the 
 sides, in most independent parties. The Champ de 
 Mars forms a regular parallelogram of 2,700 feet by 
 1,320, and the course, which is of an oblong form, com- 
 prises a circuit of the whole, and is marked out with 
 strong posts and ropes. Within the course, eques- 
 trians — or more properly speaking, 'men on horse- 
 back ' — are admitted under the surveillance of a reo-i- 
 ment of cavalry, while infantry and cavalry are placed 
 in all directions with drawn swords and fixed bayonets 
 to preserve order. Being a gravelly sandy soil, in 
 almost daily requisition for the exercise and training 
 of troops, no symptoms of vegetation can be expected, 
 and the course is as hard as the ride in Rotten Row 
 or up to Kensington Gardens. 
 
 About the centre of the south side, near where the 
 carriages were drawn up, a few temporary stands were
 
 SPOR TJNG IN FRANCE. 2 1 7 
 
 erected for the royal family and visitors, the stand for 
 the former being in the centre, and hung with scarlet 
 and gold cloth, while the others were tastefully ar- 
 ranged with tri-colored drapery. These are entered 
 by tickets only, but there are always plenty of plat- 
 forms formed by tables and ' chaises a louer ' (chairs 
 to let) for those who don't mind risking their necks for 
 a sight. Some few itinerants tramped about the plain, 
 offering alternately tooth-picks, play-bills, and race- 
 lists for sale. Mr. Jorrocks of course purchased one 
 of the latter, which was decorated at the top with a 
 woodcut, representing three jockeys riding two horses, 
 one with a whip as big as a broad-sword. We subjoin 
 the list as a specimen of ' Sporting in France,' which, 
 we are sorry to see, does not run into our pages quite 
 so cleverly as our printer could wish.* 
 
 * Racing in France is, of course, now a very different business from the 
 primitive sport it was when this sketch was written. — Editor.
 
 2l8 
 
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 SPORTING IN FRANCE. 219 
 
 Foreigners accuse the English of claiming every 
 good-looking horse, and every well-built carriage, met 
 on the Continent, as their own, but we think that few 
 would be ambitious of laying claim to the honour of 
 supplying France with jockeys or race-horses. Mr. 
 Jorrocks, indeed, indifferent as he is to the affairs of 
 the turf, could not suppress his 'conwiction' of the 
 difference between the flibberty-gibberty appearance 
 of the Frenchmen, and the quiet, easy, close-sitting 
 jockeys of Newmarket. The former all legs and 
 elbows, spurting and pushing to the front at starting, 
 in tawdry, faded jackets, and nankeen shorts, just like 
 the frowsy door-keepers of an Epsom gambling booth ; 
 the latter in clean, neat-fitting leathers, well-cleaned 
 boots, spick-and-span new jackets, feeling their horses' 
 mouths, quietly in the rear, with their whip hands 
 resting on their thighs. Then such riding! A 
 hulking Norman with his knees up to his chin, and a 
 long lean half-starved looking Frenchman set astride 
 like a pair of tongs, with a wet sponge applied to his 
 knees before starting, followed by a runaway English 
 stable lad, in white cords and drab gaiters, and half a 
 dozen others equally singular, spurring and tearing 
 round and round, throwing the gravel and sand into 
 each other's faces, until the field was so separated as 
 to render it difficult to say which was leading and 
 which was tailing, for it is one of the rules of their 
 races, that each heat must be run in a certain time, 
 consequently, though all the horses may be distanced, 
 the winner keeps working away. Then what an 
 absence of interest and enthusiasm on the part of the 
 spectators ! Three-fourths of them did not know 
 where the horses started, scarcely a man knew their 
 names, and the few tenpenny bets that were made, 
 were sported upon the colour of the jackets, A
 
 220 SPORTIXG IN FRAXCE. 
 
 l'>LMichman has no notion of racing, and it is on record 
 that after a heat in which the winning horse, after 
 making a waiting race, ran in at the finish, a Parisian 
 observed, that 'although "Annette" had won at the 
 finish, he thought the greater honour was due to 
 " Hercule," he having kept the lead the greater part of 
 the distance.' On some one explaining to him that 
 the jockey on Annette had purposely made a waiting 
 race, he was totally incredulous, asserting that he was 
 sure the jockeys had too mwch. amottr pi^opre to remain 
 in the rear at any part of the race, when they might 
 be in front. 
 
 ' Moderate sport,' said Mr. Jorrocks to himself, 
 curling his mustachios and jingling a handful of five- 
 franc pieces in the pocket of his leathers, — ' moderate 
 sport indeed,' and therefore he turned his back to the 
 course and walked the Countess off towards the cab. 
 
 From beneath a low tenth-rate looking booth, called 
 * the Cottage of Content,' supported by poles placed on 
 the stunted trees of the avenue, and exhibiting on a 
 blue board, ' John Jones, dealer in British beer,' in gilt 
 letters, there issued the sound of voices clamouring 
 about odds, and weights and scales, and on looking 
 in, a score of ragamuffin-looking grooms, imitation 
 jockeys, and the usual hangers-on of race-horses aad 
 livery-stables, were seen drinking beer, smoking, 
 playing at cards, dice, and chuck-farthing. Before the 
 well-patched canvas curtain that flapped before the 
 entrance, a crowd had collected round one of the 
 horses, which was in the care of five or six fellows, one 
 to hold him, another to whistle to him, a third to whisk 
 the flies away with a horse's tail, a fourth to scrape 
 him, a fifth to rinse his mouth out, — while the stud- 
 groom, a tall, gaunt, hairy-looking fellow, in his shirt 
 sleeves, with ear-rings, a blue apron and trousers (more
 
 SPORTING IN FRANCE. 221 
 
 like a gardener than a groom), walked round and 
 round with mystified dignity, sacreing and muttering, 
 ' Ne parlez pas, ne parlez pas,' as anyone approached 
 who seemed likely to ask questions. Mr. Jorrocks, 
 having well ascertained the importance of his hat and 
 feather, pushed his way with the greatest coolness into 
 the ring, just to cast his eye over the horse and see 
 whether he was fit to go with the Surrey, and the 
 stud-groom immediately took off his lavender-coloured 
 foraging cap, and made two profound salams, one to 
 the Colonel, the other to the Countess. Mr. Jorrocks, 
 all politeness, took off his chapeau, and no sooner was 
 it in the air, than with a wild exclamation of surprise 
 and delight, the groom screamed, ' Oh, Monsieur 
 Shorrock, mon ami, comment vous portez-vous ? ' 
 threw his arms round the Colonel's neck, and kissed 
 him on each cheek. 
 
 ' Hold ! ' roared the Colonel, half smothered in the 
 embrace, and disengaging himself he drew back a few 
 paces, putting his hand on the hilt of his sword, when 
 in the training groom of Paris he recognized his friend 
 the Baron of Newmarket. The abruptness of the 
 incident disarmed Mr. Jorrocks of reflection, and being 
 a man of impulse and warm affections, he at once for- 
 gave the novelty of the embrace, and most cordially 
 joined hands with those of his friend. They then struck 
 up a mixture of broken English and equally broken 
 French, in mutual inquiries after each other's healths 
 and movements, and presuming Mr. Jorrocks was follow, 
 ing up the sporting trade in Paris, the Baron most con- 
 siderately gave him his best recommendations which 
 horse to back, kindly betting with him himself, but, 
 unfortunately, at each time assigning Mr. Jorrocks the 
 losing horse. — At length, being completely cleaned out, 
 he declined any further transactions, and having got the
 
 aaa SPORTING IN FRANCE. 
 
 Countess into the cab, was in the act of climbing in 
 himself, when some one took him by the sword as he 
 was hoisting himself up by the wooden apron, and drew 
 him back to the ground. ' Holloa, Stubbs, my boy ! ' 
 cried he, ' I'm werry 'appy to see ye,' holding out his 
 hand, and thereupon Mr. Stubbs took off his hat to the 
 Countess. ' Well now, the deuce be in these French,' 
 observed Mr. Jorrocks, confidentially, in an under-tone, 
 as, resigning the reins to Agamemnon, he put his arm 
 through the Yorkshireman's and drew out of hearing of 
 the Countess behind the cab — ' the deuce be in them, I 
 say. There's that beggarly Baron as we met at New- 
 market, has just diddled me out of four Naps and a 
 half, by getting me to back 'osses that he said were 
 certain to win, and I really don't know how we are to 
 make " tongue and buckle " meet, as the coachmen say. 
 Somehow or other they are far too sharp for me. 
 Cards, dominoes, dice, backgammon, and racing, all one 
 — they inwariably beat me, and I declare I haven't as 
 much pewter as will coach me to Calais.' The York- 
 shireman, as may be supposed, was not in a condition 
 to offer any great pecuniary assistance, but after a turn 
 or two along the mound, he felt it would be a reproach 
 on his country, if he suffered his friend to be done by a 
 Frenchman, and on consideration he thought of a trick 
 that Monsieur would not be up to. Accordingly, 
 desiring Mr. Jorrocks to take him to the Baron, and 
 behave with great cordiality, and agree to the proposal 
 he should make, they set off in search of that worthy, 
 who, after some trouble, they discovered in the * Cottage 
 of Content,' entertaining John Jones and his comrades 
 with an account of the manner in which he had fleeced 
 Monsieur Shorrock. The Yorkshireman met him with 
 the greatest delight, shook hands with him over and 
 over again, and then began talking about racing, pigeon-
 
 SPORTING IN FRANCE. 223 
 
 shooting, and Newmarket, pretended to be full of 
 money, and very anxious for the Baron's advice in lay- 
 ing it out. On hearing this, the Baron beckoned him 
 to retire, and joining him in the avenue, walked him up 
 and down, while he recommended his backing a horse 
 that was notoriously amiss. The Yorkshireman con- 
 sented, lost a Nap with great good humour, and banter- 
 ingly told the Baron he thought he could beat the horse 
 on foot. This led them to talk of foot-racing, and at 
 last the Yorkshireman offered to bet that Mr. Jorrocks 
 would run fifty yards with him on his back, before the 
 Baron would run a hundred. Upon this the Baron 
 scratched his head and looked very knowing, pretended 
 to make a calculation, when the Yorkshireman affected 
 fear, and professed his readiness to withdraw the offer. 
 The Baron then plucked up his courage, and after some 
 haggling, the match was made for six Naps, the York- 
 shireman reckoning the Baron might have ten francs in 
 addition to what he had won of Mr. Jorrocks and him- 
 self. The money was then deposited in the hands of 
 the Countess Benvolio, and away went the trio to the 
 ' Cottage of Content,' to get men and ropes to measure 
 and keep the ground. The English jockeys and lads, 
 though ready enough to pigeon a countryman them- 
 selves, have no notion of assisting a foreigner to do so, 
 unless they share in the spoil, and the Baron being a 
 notorious screw, they all seemed heartily glad to find 
 him in a trap. Out then they all sallied, amid cheers 
 and shouts, while John Jones, with a yard-wand in his 
 hand, proceeded to measure a hundred yards along the 
 low side of the mound. This species of amusement 
 being far more in accordance with the taste of the 
 French than anything in which horses are concerned, 
 an immense mob flocked to the scene, and the Baron 
 having explained how it was, and being considered a
 
 224 SPORTING IN FRANCE. 
 
 safe man to follow, numerous offers were made to bet 
 against the performance of the match. The Yorkshire- 
 man being a youth of discretion and accustomed to bet 
 among strangers, got on five Naps more with different 
 parties, who, to 'prevent accidents,' submitted to deposit 
 the money with the Countess, and all things being 
 adjusted, and the course cleared by a picket of infantry, 
 Mr. Jorrocks ungirded his sword, and depositing it 
 with his frock-coat in the cab, walked up to the fifty 
 yards he was to have for start. ' Now, Colonel,' said 
 the Yorkshireman, backing him to the mound, so that 
 he might leap on without shaking him, ' put your best 
 leg first, and it's a hollow thing ; — if you don't fall, you 
 vmst win' — and thereupon taking Mr. Jorrocks's cocked- 
 hat and feather from his head, he put it sideways on his 
 own, so that he might not be recognized, and mounted 
 his man. Mr. Jorrocks then took his place as directed 
 by John Jones, and at a signal from him — the dropping 
 a blue cotton handkerchief — away they started amid 
 the shouts, the clapping of hands, and applause of the 
 spectators, who covered the mound and lined the course 
 on either side. Mr. Jorrocks's action was not very 
 capital, his jack-boots and leathers rather impeding his 
 limbs, while the Baron had as little on him as decency 
 would allow. The Yorkshireman feelinof his man rather 
 roll at the start, again cautioned him to take it easy, 
 and after a dozen yards he got into a capital run, and 
 though the lanky Baron came tearing along like an ill- 
 fed greyhound, Mr. Jorrocks had full two yards to 
 spare, and ran past the soldier, who stood with his cap 
 on his bayonet as a winning-post, amid the applause of 
 his backers, the yells of his opponents, and the general 
 acclamation of the spectators. 
 
 The Countess, anticipating the victory of her hero, 
 had despatched Agamemnon early in the day for a
 
 SPORTING IN FRANCE. 
 
 chaplet of red and yellow immortelles, and having 
 switched the old cab horse up to the winning-post, she 
 gracefully descended, without showing more of her foot 
 and ankle than was strictly correct, and decorated his 
 brow with the wreath, as the Yorkshireman dismounted. 
 Enthusiasm being always the order of the day in 
 France, this act was greeted with the loudest acclama- 
 tions, and, without giving him time to recover his wind, 
 the populace bundled Mr. Jorrocks neck and shoulders 
 into the cab, and seizing the old horse by the head> 
 paraded him down the entire length of the Champ de 
 Mars, Mr. Jorrocks bowing and kissing his hand to 
 the assembled multitude, in return for the vivas ! the 
 clapping of hands, and the waving of ribbons and hand- 
 kerchiefs that greeted him as he went. 
 
 Popularity is but a fickle goddess, and in no country 
 more fickle than in France. Ere the procession reached 
 the end of the dusty plain, the mob had tailed off very 
 considerably, and as the leader of the old white horse 
 pulled him round to return, a fresh commotion in the 
 distance, caused by the apprehension of a couple of 
 pickpockets, drew away the few followers that remained, 
 and the recently applauded and belauded Mr. Jorrocks 
 was left alone in his glory. He then pulled up, and 
 taking the chaplet of immortelles from his brow, thrust 
 it under the driving cushion of the cab, and proceeded 
 to re-instate himself in his tight military frock, re-gird 
 himself with his sword, and resume the cocked hat and 
 feather. 
 
 Nothing was too good for Mr. Stubbs at that moment, 
 and, had a pen and ink been ready, Mr. Jorrocks would 
 have indorsed him a bill for any amount. Having com- 
 pleted his toilette he gave the Yorkshireman the vacant 
 seat in the cab, flopped the old horse well about the 
 ears with the pig-driving whip, and trotted briskly up 
 
 Q
 
 !26 SPORTING IN FRANCE. 
 
 the line he had recently passed in triumphal procession, 
 and wormed his way among the crowd in search of the 
 Countess. There was nothing, however, to be seen of 
 her, and after driving about, and poking his way on 
 foot into all the crowds he could find, bolting up to every 
 lady in blue, he looked at his great double-cased gold 
 repeater, and finding it was near three o'clock and 
 recollecting the fete of St. Cloud, concluded her lady- 
 ship must have gone on, and Agamemnon being anxious 
 to see it, of course was of the same opinion ; so, again 
 flopping the old horse about the ears, he cut away down 
 the Champ de ]\Iars, and by the direction of Agamemnon 
 crossed the Seine by the Pont des Invalides, and gained 
 the route to Versailles. 
 
 Here the genius of the people was apparent, for the 
 road swarmed with voitures of every description, dili- 
 gences, gondoles, co-cous, cabs, fiacres, omnibuses, 
 dame-blanches, all rolling and rumbling along, occa- 
 sionally interrupted by the lilting and tilting of a light 
 English cab or tilbury, drawn by a thorough-bred, and 
 driven by a dandy. The spirit of the old white horse 
 even seemed roused, as he got among the carriages, and 
 heard the tramping of hoofs and the jingling of bells 
 round the necks of other horses, and he applied himself 
 to the shafts with a visfour his enfeebled-lookincr frame 
 appeared incapable of supplying. So they trotted on, 
 and after a mile travelling at a foot's pace after they got 
 into close line, they reached the parte Maillot, and 
 resigning the cab to the discretion of Agamemnon, 
 Mr. Jorrocks got himself brushed over by one of the 
 gentry who ply in that profession at all public places, 
 and tucking his sword under one arm, he thrust the 
 other through Mr. Stubbs's, and, John-Bull-like, strutted 
 up the long broad grass avenue, through the low part 
 of the wood of St. Cloud, as if all he saw belonged to
 
 SPORTING IN FRANCE. 227 
 
 himself. The scene was splendid, and nature, art, and 
 the weather appeared confederate for effect. On the 
 lofty heights arose the stately place, looking down with 
 placid grandeur on the full foliage of the venerable 
 trees, over the beautiful gardens, the spouting fountains, 
 the rushing cascades, and the gay and countless myriads 
 that swarmed the avenues, while the circling river flowed 
 calmly on, without a ripple on its surface, as if in ridicule 
 of the sound of trumpets, the clang of cymbals, and the 
 beat of drums, that rent the air around. 
 
 Along the broad avenue were ranged shows of every 
 description ; wild beasts, giants, jugglers, tumblers, 
 mountebanks, and monsters, while in spots sheltered 
 from the sun by lofty trees were dancing places, swings, 
 round-abouts, archery-butts, pistol-ranges, ball-kicking, 
 and head-thumping places, montagnes-Suisses, all the 
 concomitants of fairs and fetes — ^beating ' Bartlemy fair,' 
 as Mr. Jorrocks candidly confessed, 'all to nothing.' 
 
 The chance of meeting the Countess Benvolio in 
 such a multitude was very remote indeed, but, to tell 
 the truth, Mr.Jorrocks never once thought of her, until 
 having ate a couple of cold fowls and drank a bottle of 
 porter, at an English booth, he felt in his pocket for 
 his purse, and remembered it was in her keeping. 
 Mr. Stubbs, however, settled the account, and in high 
 glee Mr. Jorrocks resumed his peregrinations, visiting 
 first one show, then another, shooting with pea-guns, 
 then dancing a quadrille, until he was brought up short, 
 before a splendid green and gold round-about, whose 
 magic circle contained two lions, two swans, two black 
 horses, a tiger, and a giraffe. * Let's have a ride,' said 
 he, jumping on to one of the black horses, and adjust- 
 ing the stirrups to his length. The party was soon 
 made up, and as the last comer crossed his tiger, the 
 engine was propelled by the boys in the centre,
 
 228 SPORTING IN FRANCE. 
 
 and away they went at Derby pace. In six rounds 
 Mr. Jorrocks lost his head, turned completely giddy, 
 and bellowed out to them to stop. They took no heed 
 — all the rest were used to it — and after divers yells 
 and ineffectual efforts to dismount, he fell to the ground 
 like a sack. The machine was in full work at the time, 
 and swept round three or four times before they could 
 stop it. At last Mr. Stubbs got to him, and a pitiable 
 plight he was in. He had fallen on his head, broken 
 his feather, crushed his chapeau bras, lost off his 
 mustachios, was as pale as death, and very sick. For- 
 tunately the accident happened near the gate leading to 
 the town of St. Cloud, and thither, with the aid of two 
 gendarmes, Mr, Stubbs conveyed the fallen hero, and 
 having put him to bed at the Hotel d'Angleterre, he 
 sent for a ' medecin,' who of course shook his head, 
 looked very wise, ordered him to drink warm Avater — 
 a never-failing specific in France — and keep quiet. 
 Finding he had an Englishman for a patient, the 'mede- 
 cin ' dropped in every two hours, always concluding 
 wath the order 'encore I'eau chaud.' A good sleep did 
 more for Mr. Jorrocks than the doctor, and Avhen the 
 medecin called in the morning, and repeated the injunc- 
 tion ' encore I'eau chaud,' he bellowed out ' cuss your 
 I'eau chaud, my stomach arn't a reserwoir ! give me 
 some wittles ! ' The return of his appetite being a most 
 favourable symptom, Mr, Stubbs discharged the doctor, 
 and forthwith ordered a dejeuner a la fourchette, to 
 which Mr, Jorrocks did pretty fair justice, though 
 trifling in comparison with his usual performances. 
 They then got into a Versailles diligence that stopped 
 at the door, and rattling along at a merry pace, very 
 soon reached Paris and the Rue des Mauvais-Garcons. 
 ' Come up and see the Countess,' said Mr. Jorrocks 
 as they arrived at the bottom of the flight of dirty stairs.
 
 SPORTING IN FRANCE. 
 
 229 
 
 and, with his hands behind his back and his sword 
 dragging at his heels, he poked up-stairs, and opening 
 the outer door entered the apartment. He passed 
 through the small ante-room, without observing his 
 portmanteau and carpet-bag on the table, and there 
 being no symptoms of the Countess in the next one, he 
 walked forward into the bed-room beyond. 
 
 Before an English fire-place that Mr. Jorrocks him- 
 self had been at the expense of providing, snugly 
 ensconced in the luxurious depths of a well-cushioned 
 easy chair, sat a monstrous man with a green patch 
 on his right eye, in slippers, loose hose, a dirty gray 
 woollen dressing-gown, and black silk night-cap, puff- 
 ing away at a long meerschaum pipe, with the figure 
 of Bacchus on the bowl. At a sight so unexpected 
 Mr. Jorrocks started back, but the smoker seemed 
 quite unconcerned, and casting an unmeaning gray 
 eye at the intruder, puffed a long-drawn respiration 
 from his mouth. 
 
 'How now!' roared Mr. Jorrocks, boiling into a 
 rage, which caused the monster to start upon his legs 
 as though he were galvanized, ' Vot brings yotc here 1 ' 
 
 * Sprechen sie Deutsch ? ' responded the smoker, 
 opening his eye a little wider, and taking the pipe 
 from his mouth. — ' Speak English, you fool,' bawled 
 Mr. Jorrocks. 'Sie sind sehr unverschamt' (you are 
 very impudent), replied the Dutchman with a thump 
 on the table. 'I'll run you through the gizzard!' 
 rejoined Mr. Jorrocks, half drawing his sword, — 'skin 
 you alive, in fact ! ' when in rushed the Countess and 
 threw herself between them. 
 
 Now, Mynheer Van Rosembom, a burgomaster of 
 Flushing, was an old friend of the Countess's, and 
 an exceedingly good paying one, and having cast 
 up that morning quite unexpectedly by the early
 
 230 SPORTING IN FRANCE. 
 
 diligence from Dunkirk, and the Countess being en- 
 raged at Mr. Jorrocks for not sharing the honours 
 of his procession in the cab on the previous day, 
 and beheving, moreover, that his treasury was pretty 
 well exhausted, thought she could not do better than 
 instal Rosembom in his place, and retain the stakes 
 she held for the Colonel's board and lodging. 
 
 This arrangement she kept to herself, simply giving 
 Rosembom, who was not a much better Frenchman 
 than Col. Jorrocks, to understand that the room would 
 be ready for him shortly, and Agamemnon was ordered 
 to bundle Mr. Jorrocks's clothes into his portmanteau 
 and bag, and place them in readiness in the ante-room. 
 Rosembom, fatigued with his journey, then retired to 
 enjoy his pipe at his ease, while the Countess went 
 to the Marche St. Honore to buy some sour crout, 
 roast beef, and prunes for his dinner. 
 
 * Turn this great slush-bucket out of my room ! ' 
 cried Mr. Jorrocks, as the Countess rushed into his 
 apartment. ' Vot's he doing here ? ' 
 
 ' Doucement, mon cher Colonel,' said she, clapping 
 him on the back, ' he sail be my brodder.' 
 
 'Never such a tJiing !' roared Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing 
 him as he spoke. 'Never such a thing! no more 
 than myself — out with him, I say, or 111 cut my stick 
 — toide suite — directly ! ' 
 
 * Avec tout mon coeur ! ' replied the Countess, her 
 choler rising as she spoke. ' You're another,' rejoined 
 Mr. Jorrocks, judging from her manner that she called 
 him something offensive — ' Vous ete one mauvaise 
 woman!' ' Moitsietcr,' said the Countess, her eyes 
 flashing as she spoke, ' vous etes un polisson ! — von 
 rascal ! — von dem villain ! — un charlatan ! — von nasty 
 — bastely — ross bif! — dem dog!' and thereupon she 
 curled her fingers, and set her teeth on edge as though
 
 SPORTING IN FRANCE. 231 
 
 she would tear his very eyes out. Rosembom, though 
 he didn't exactly see the merits of the matter, ex- 
 changed his pipe for the poker, so what with this, the 
 sword and the nails, things wore a very belligerent 
 aspect. 
 
 Mr. Stubbs, as usual, interposed, and the Countess 
 still keeping up the semblance of her rage, ordered 
 them to quit her apartment directly, or she would have 
 recourse to her old friends the police. Mr. Stubbs 
 was quite agreeable to go, but hinted that she might 
 as well hand over the stakes, that had been intrusted 
 to her keeping on the previous day, upon which she 
 again indulged in a torrent of abuse, swore they were 
 a couple of thieves, and that Mr. Jorrocks owed her 
 far more than the amount for board and lodging. 
 This made the Colonel stare, for on the supposition 
 that he was a visitor he had been firing away his 
 money in all directions, playing at everything she 
 proposed, buying her bonnets, perrigord pies, hiring 
 remises, and committing every species of extrava- 
 gance, and now to be charged for what he thought 
 was pure friendship disgusted him beyond expression. 
 
 The Countess speeedily summoned the porter, the 
 man of letters of the establishment, and with his 
 aid drew Mr. Jorrocks out a bill, which he described 
 as * reaching down each side of his body and round 
 his waist,' commencing with 2 francs for savon, and 
 then proceeding in the daily routine of cafe, i franc ; 
 dejeuner a la fourchette, 5 francs ; diner avec vin, 
 10 francs; tea, i franc; souper, 3 francs; bougies, 
 2 francs ; apartment, 3 francs ; running him up a bill 
 of 700 francs ; and when Mr. Stubbs remonstrated 
 on the exorbitance of the charges, she replied, * It 
 sail be, sare, as small monnaie as sail be consistent 
 avec my dignified respectability, you to charge.'
 
 232 SPORTING IN FRANCE. 
 
 There seemed no help for the matter, so Mr. Stubbs 
 paid the balance, while Mr. Jorrocks, shocked at the 
 duplicity of the Countess, the impudence of Rosem- 
 bom, and the emptiness of his own pockets, bolted 
 away without saying a word. 
 
 That very night the Malle-Poste bore them from 
 the Capital, with two cold fowls, three quarters of 
 a yard of bread, and a bottle of porter for Mr. Jorrocks 
 on the journey, and ere another sun went down, the 
 sandy suburbs of Calais saw them toiling towards her 
 ramparts, and rumbling over the drawbridges and 
 under the portcullis, that guard the entrance to her 
 gloomy town. Calais ! cold, cheerless, lifeless Calais ! 
 Whose soul has ever warmed as it approached thy 
 town ? but how many hearts have turned with sicken- 
 ing sorrow from the mirthless tinkling of thy bells ! 
 
 ' We'll not stay here long I guess,' said Mr. Jorrocks 
 as the diligence pulled up at the post-office, and the 
 conducteur requested the passengers to descend. 
 * That's optional,' said a bystander, who was waiting 
 for his letters, looking at Mr. Jorrocks with an air 
 as much as to say, what a rum-looking fellow you are, 
 and not without reason, for the Colonel was attired in 
 a blue sailor's jacket, white leathers, and jack-boots, 
 with the cocked hat and feather. The speaker was 
 a middle-aged, middle statured man, with a quick 
 intelligent eye, dressed in a single-breasted green 
 riding coat, striped toilinette waistcoat, and drab 
 trousers, with a whip in his hand. * Thank you 
 for nothing ! ' replied Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing him in 
 return, upon which the speaker turned to the clerk 
 and asked if there were any letters for INIonsieur 
 Apperley or Nimrod. 'Nimrod!' exclaimed Mr. 
 Jorrocks, dropping on his knees as though he were 
 shot, ' Oh my vicr what have I done ? Oh dear !
 
 SPORTING IN FRANCE. 
 
 oh dear ! what a dumbfounderer — flummoxed I de- 
 clare ! ' 
 
 'Hold tip I old un,' said Nimrod in astonishment, 
 * why, what's the matter now ? you don't owe me 
 anything I dare say ! ' 
 
 * Owe you anything! yes, I does,' said Mr. Jorrocks, 
 rising from the ground, ' I owes you a debt of 
 gratitude that I can never wipe off — you'll be in the 
 day-book and ledger of my memory for ever and 
 a year.' 
 
 'Who are you ? ' inquired Nimrod, becoming more 
 and more puzzled, as he contrasted his dialect with his 
 dress. 
 
 ' Who am I ? — Why, I'm Mister Jorrocks.' 
 
 ' Jorrocks, by Jove ! Who'd have thought it. I 
 declare I took you for a horse-marine. Give us 
 your hand, old boy. I'm proud to make your 
 acquaintance.' 
 
 ' Ditto to you, sir, twice repeated. I considers you 
 the wery first man of the age!' and thereupon they 
 shook hands with uncommon warmth. 
 
 'You've been in Paris, I suppose,' resumed Nimrod, 
 after their respective digits were released ; ' were you 
 much gratified with what you saw ? What pleased 
 you most — the Tuileries, Louvre, Garden of Plants, 
 Pere la Chaise, Notre Dame, or what ? ' 
 
 ' Why now, to tell you the truth, singular as it may 
 seem, I saw nothing but the Tuileries and Naughty 
 Dame. — I may say a werry naughty dame, for she 
 fleeced me uncommonly, scarcely leaving me a dump 
 to carry me home.' 
 
 ' What, you've been among the ladies, have you ? 
 that's gay for a man at your time of life.' 
 
 * Yes, I certain/2> have been among the ladies, — 
 Countesses I may say — but dash my vig, they are a
 
 234 SPORTING IX FRANCE. 
 
 rum set, and made me pay for their acquaintance. — 
 The Countess Benwolio certain//^ is a bad un.' 
 
 * Oh, the deuce ! — did that old devil catch you ? ' 
 inquired Nimrod. 
 
 ' Vot, do you know her ? ' 
 
 'Know her! ay — everybody here knows her with 
 her black boy. She's always on the road, and lives 
 now by the flats she catches between Paris and the 
 coast. She was an agent for Morison's Pills, — but 
 having a fractious Scotch lodger that she couldn't get 
 out, she physicked him so dreadfully that he nearly 
 died, and the police took her license away. But you 
 are hungry, Mr. Jorrocks, come to my house and 
 spend the evening, and tell me all about your travels.' 
 
 Mr. Stubbs objected to this proposition, having just 
 learned that the London packet sailed in an hour, so 
 the trio adjourned to Mr. Roberts's, Royal Hotel, 
 where over some strong eau-de-vie they cemented their 
 acquaintance, and Mr. Jorrocks, finding that Nimrod 
 was to be in England the following week, insisted 
 upon his naming a day for dining in Great Coram 
 Street. 
 
 ' Permits ' to embark having been considerately 
 granted ^gratis' by the government for a franc a- 
 piece, at the hour of ten our travellers stepped on 
 board, and Mr. Jorrocks, having wrapped himself up 
 in his martial cloak, laid down in the cabin and, like 
 Ulysses in Ithaca, as Nimrod would say, ' arrived in 
 London asleep.'
 
 No. XI. 
 A RIDE TO BRIGHTON 
 
 ON 'THE age; 
 
 {IN A VERY 'FAMILIAR LETTER' TO NIMROD.) 
 
 Dear Nimrod, 
 
 You have favoured myself, and the sporting 
 world at large, with a werry rich high-flavoured 
 account of the great Captain Barclay and his exto- 
 nishing coach, the ' Defiance ;' and being werry grateful 
 to you for that and all other favours, past, present, and 
 to come, I take up my gray goose quill to make it 
 * obedient to my will,' as Mr. Pope, the poet, says, in 
 relating a werry gratifying ride I had on the celebrated 
 Brighton Age, along with Sir Wincent Cotton, Bart, 
 and a few other swells. Being, as you knows, of 
 rather an emigrating disposition, and objecting to 
 make a nick-stick of my life by marking down each 
 Christmas-day over roast-beef and plum-pudding, 
 cheek-by-jowl with Mrs. J. at home, I said unto my 
 lad Binjimin — and there's not a bigger rogue unhung — 
 ' Binjimin, be after looking out my Sunday clothes, 
 and run down to the Regent Circus, and book me the 
 box-seat of the Age, for I'm blow'd if I'm not going to 
 see the King at Brighton (or " London sur Mary," as 
 James Green calls it), and tell the pig-eyed book-
 
 236 A RIDE TO BRIGHTON 
 
 keeper it's for Mr. Jorrocks, and you'll be sure to 
 get it.' 
 
 Accordingly, next day, I put in my appearance at 
 the Circus, dressed in my best blue Saxony coat, with 
 metal buttons, yellow waistcoat, tights, and best 
 Hessians, with a fine new castor on my head, and a 
 carnation in my button-hole. Lots of chaps came 
 dropping in to go, and every one wanted the box-seat. 
 'Can I have the box-seat?' said one. — ' No, sir; Mr. 
 Jorrocks has it.' 'Is the box-seat engaged?' asked 
 another. — ' Yes, sir; I\Ir. Jorrocks has taken it.' ' Book 
 me the box,' said a third with great dignity. — ' It's 
 engaged already.' ' Who by ? ' 'Mr. Jorrocks ; ' and 
 so they went on to the tune of near a dozen. Pre- 
 sently a rattling of pole chains was heard, and a cry 
 was raised of ' Here's Sir Wincent ! ' I looks out, and 
 saw a werry neat, dark, chocolate-coloured coach, with 
 narrow red-striped wheels, and a crest, either a H eagle 
 or a Unicorn (I forgets which) on the door, and just 
 the proprietors' names below the winder, and ' The 
 Age,' in large gilt letters, below the gammon board, 
 drawn by four blood-like, switch-tailed nags, in 
 beautiful highly polished harness with brass furniture, 
 without bearing reins — driven by a swellish-looking 
 young chap, in a long-backed, rough, claret-coloured 
 benjamin, with fancy-coloured tyes, and a bunch of 
 flowers in his button-hole — no coachman or man of 
 fashion, as you knows, being complete without the 
 flower. There was nothino; o;ammonacious about the 
 turn-out ; all werry neat and 'andsome, but as plain as 
 plain could be ; and there was not even a bit of 
 Christmas at the 'orses' ears, which I observed all the 
 other coaches had. Well, down came Sir Wincent, 
 off went his hat, out came the way-bill, and off he ran 
 into the office to see what they had for him. ' Here
 
 ON ' THE age: 237 
 
 coachman,' says a linen-draper's * elegant extract,' 
 waiting outside, ' you've to deliver this (giving him a 
 parcel) in the Marine Parade the histant you get to 
 
 Brighton, It's Miss 's bustle, and she'll be 
 
 waiting for it to put on to go out to dinner, so you 
 musn't lose a moment, and you may charge what you 
 like for your trouble.' ' Werry well,' says Sir Wincent, 
 laughing, I'll take care of her bustle. Now, book- 
 keeper, be awake ! Three insides here, and six out. 
 Pray sir,' touching his hat to me, ' are you booked 
 here ? Oh! Mr. Jorrocks, I see. — I beg your pardon. 
 Jump up, then; be lively! what luggage have you?' 
 ' Two carpet bags, with J. J., Great Coram Street, upon 
 them.' ' There, then we'll put them in the front boot, 
 and you'll have them under you. All right behind ? 
 Sit tight!' Hist! off we go by St. Mertain's Church 
 into the Strand, to the booking-office there. 
 
 The streets were wery full, but Sir Wincent wormed 
 his way among the coal waggons, wans, busses, 
 coaches, bottom-over-tops, — in wulgar French, * cow 
 sur tate,' as they calls the new patent busses — trucks, 
 cabs, &c., in a marvellous workmanlike manner, which 
 seemed the more masterly, inasmuch as the leaders, 
 having their heads at liberty, poked them about in all 
 directions, all a mode Francey, just as they do in Paris. 
 At the Marsh gate we were stopped. A black job 
 was going through on one side, and a haw-buck had 
 drawn a great yellow one 'oss Gravesend cruelty wan 
 into the other, and was fumbling for his coin. 
 
 * Now, Young Omnibus!' cried Sir Wincent, * don't 
 be standing there all day.' The man cut into his nag, 
 but the brute was about beat. ' There, don't 'it him 
 so 'ard (hard),' said Sir Wincent, * or you may hurt 
 him!' 
 
 When we got near the H elephant and Castle,
 
 238 A RIDE TO BRIGHTON 
 
 Timothy Odgkinson, of Brixton Hill, a low, under- 
 sellino- grocer, got his measly errand cart, with his 
 name and address in great staring white letters, just 
 in advance of the leaders, and kept dodging across the 
 road to get the sound ground, for the whole line was 
 werry ' woolley ' as you calls it. * Come, Mister 
 independent grocer ! go faster if you can,' cries Sir 
 Wincent, ' though I think you have bought your horse 
 where you buy your tea, for he's werry sloe.' A little 
 bit further on a chap was shoving away at a truck full 
 of market-baskets. ' Now, Slavey,' said he, 'keep out 
 of my way ! ' At the H elephant and Castle, and, 
 indeed, wherever he stopped, there were lots of gapers 
 assembled to see the Baronet coachman, but Sir 
 Wincent never minded them, but bustled about with his 
 way-bill, and shoved in his parcels, fish-baskets, and 
 oyster-barrels like a good 'un. We pulled up to grub 
 at the Feathers at Merstham, and 'artily glad I was, 
 for I was far on to famish, having ridden whole twenty- 
 five miles in a cold, frosty air, without a morsel of 
 wittels of any sort. When the Bart, pulled up, he 
 said, ' Now ladies and gentlemen — twenty minutes 
 allowed here, and let me adwise you to make the most 
 of it.' I took the 'int, and heat away like a regular 
 bagman, who can always despatch his ducks and green 
 peas in ten minutes. I 
 
 We started again, and about one hundred yards 
 below the pike stood a lad with a pair of leaders to n 
 clap on, for the road, as I said before, was werry I 
 woolley. ' Now, you see, Mr. Jorrocks,' said Sir I 
 Wincent, * I do old Pikey by having my 'osses on this 
 side. The old screw drew me for four shillings one 
 day for my leaders, two each way, so, says I, "my 
 covey, if you don't draw it a little milder, I'll send my I 
 'osses from the stable through my friend Sir William
 
 ON ' THE age: 239 
 
 Jolliffe's fields to the other side of your shop," and as 
 he wouldn't, you see here they are, and he gets 
 nothing.' 
 
 The best of company, they say, must part, and 
 Baronets ' form no exception to the rule/ as I once 
 heard Dr. Birkbeck say. About a mile below the 
 half-way 'ouse, another coach hove in sight, and each 
 pulling up, they proved to be as like each other as two 
 beans, and beneath a mackintosh, like a tent cover, I 
 twigged my friend Brackenbury's jolly phiz. ' How 
 are you, Jorrocks ? ' and * How are you, Brack ? ' flew 
 across like billiard-balls, while Sir Wincent, handing 
 me the ribbons, said, ' Ladies and gentlemen, I wish 
 you all a good-morning and a pleasant ride,' and Brack 
 having done the same by his coach and passengers, 
 the two heroes met on terry firmey, as we say in 
 France, to exchange way-bills and directions about 
 parcels. 'Now,' said Sir Wincent, 'you'll find Miss 
 
 's bustle under the front seat — send It off to the 
 
 Marine Parade the instaut you get in, for she wants it 
 to make herself up to-night for a party.' 'By Jove, 
 that's lucky,' said Brackenbury, 'for I'll be hanged if I 
 
 haven't got old Lady 's false dinner-set of ivories 
 
 in my waistcoat-pocket, which I should have forgot if 
 you hadn't mentioned t'other things, and then the old 
 lady would have lost her blow-out this Christmas. 
 Here they are,' handing out a small box, ' and mind 
 you leave them yourself, for they tell me they are 
 costly, being all fixed in coral, with gold springs, and 
 I don't know what — warranted to eat of themselves, 
 they say.' ' She has lost her modesty with her teeth, 
 It seems,' said Sir Wincent. ' Old women ought to be 
 ashamed to be seen out of their graves after their 
 grinders are gone. I'll pound it the old tabby carn't 
 be under one hundred. But quick ! who does that
 
 .^o A RIDE TO BRIGHTON 
 
 d — d parrot and the cock-a-too belong to that you've 
 crot stuck up there ? and look, there's a canary and 
 all ! I'll be d — d if you don't bring me a coach loaded 
 like Wombwell's menagerie every day! Well, be 
 lively ! 'Twill be all the same one hundred years 
 hence. — All right ? Sit tight ! Good night ! ' 
 
 'Well, Mr. Jorrocks, it's long since we met,' said 
 Brackenbury, looking me over — ' never, I think, 
 since I showed you way over the Weald of Sussex 
 from Torrington-wood, on the gallant wite with the 
 Colonel's 'ounds ! Ah, those w^ere rare days, Mr. 
 Jorrocks! we shall never see their like again! But 
 you're looking fresh. Time lays a light hand on your 
 bearing reins ! I hope it will be long ere you are 
 booked by the Gravesend Buss. You don't hish much, 
 I fancy ? ' added he, putting a lighted cigar in his 
 mouth. 'Yes, I does,' said I — ' a good deal ; but I tell's 
 you what, Brackenbury, I doesn't fumigate none — it's 
 the fumigation that does the mischief,' and thereupon 
 we commenced a hargument on the comparitive 
 mischief of smoking and drinking, which ended 
 without either being able to conw^nce the other. 
 * Well, at all events, you gets beefey, Brackenbury,' 
 said I ; ' you must be a couple of stone heavier than 
 w4ien we used to talliho the 'ounds together. I think 
 I could lead you over the Weald now, at all ewents if 
 the fences were out of the way,' for I must confess, 
 that Brack was always a terrible chap at the jumps, 
 and could go where few would follow. 
 
 We did the journey within the six hours — werry 
 good work, considering the load and the state of the 
 roads. No coach like the Age — in my opinion. I 
 was so werry much pleased with Brack's driving, that 
 I presented him with a four-in-hand whip. 
 
 I put up at Jonathan Boxall's, the Star and Garter,
 
 ON ' THE age: 241 
 
 one of the pleasantest and best conducted houses in all 
 Brighton. It is close to the sea, and just by Mahomed, 
 the sham-poor's shop. I likes Jonathan, for he is a 
 sportsman, and we spin a yarn together about 'unting, 
 and how he used to ride over the moon when he 
 whipped in to St. John, in Berkshire. But it's all 
 talk with Jonathan, now, for he's more like a stranded 
 grampus now than a fox-hunter. In course I brought 
 down a pair of kickseys and pipe cases, intending to 
 have a round with the old muggers, but the snow put 
 a stop to all that. I heard, however, that both the 
 Telscombe Tye and the Devil's Dike Dogs had been 
 running their half-crown rounds after hares, some of 
 which ended in ' captures,' others in ' escapes,' as the 
 newspapers terms them. I dined at the Albion on 
 Christmas-day, and, most misfortunately, my appetite 
 was ready before the joints, so I had to make my 
 dinner off Mary Ann cutlets, I think they call them, 
 that is to say, chops screwed up in large curl papers, 
 and such like trifles. I saw some chaps drinking 
 small glasses of stuff, so I asked the waiter what it 
 was, and, thinking he said, * Elixir of Girls,' I banged 
 the table, and said, ' Elixir of Girls ! that's the stuff for 
 my money — give me a glass.' The chap laughed, and 
 said ' not Girls, sir, but Garus; ' and thereupon he gave 
 another great guffaw. 
 
 It is a capital coffee-room, full of winders, and finely- 
 polished tables, waiters in silk stockings, and they give 
 spermaceti cheese, and burn Parmesan candles. The 
 chaps in it, however, were werry unsociable, and there 
 wasn't a man there that I would borrow half a crown to 
 get drunk with. Stickey is the landlord, but he does not 
 stick it in so deep as might be expected from the looks 
 of the house, and the cheese and candles considered. 
 It was a most tempestuous night, and, having eaten 
 
 R
 
 242 A RIDE TO BRIGHTON 
 
 and drank to completion, I determined to go and see 
 if my aunt, in Cavendish-street, was alive ; and after 
 having- been nearly blown out to France several times, 
 I succeeded in making my point and running to 
 ground. The storm Qrrew worser and worser, and 
 when I came to open the door to go away, I found it 
 blocked with snow, and the drifts whirling about in all 
 directions. My aunt, who is a werry feeling woman, 
 insisted on my staying all night, which only made the 
 matter worse, for when I came to look out in the 
 mornino- I found the drift as hiorh as the first-floor 
 winder, and the street completely buried in snow. 
 Having breakfasted, and seeing no hopes of emanci- 
 pation, I hangs out a flag of distress — a red wipe — 
 which, after flapping about for some time, drew three 
 or four sailors and a fly-man or two. I explained from 
 the winder how dreadfully I was situated, prayed of 
 them to release me, but the wretches did nothing but : 
 laugh, and ax wot I would give to be out. At last j 
 one of them, who acted as spokesman, proposed that i 
 1 should put an arm-chair out of the winder, and pay 
 them five shillings each for carrying me home on their 
 shoulders. It seemed a vast of money, but the storm 
 continuing, the crowd increasing, and I not wishing to 
 kick up a row at my aunt's, after offering four and 
 sixpence, agreed to their terms, and throwing out a 
 chair, plumped up to the middle in a drift. Three 
 cheers followed the feat, which drew all the neighbours 
 to the winders, when about half a dozen fellows, some 
 drunk, some sober, and some half-and-half, pulled me 
 into the chair, hoisted me on to their shoulders, 
 and proceeded into St. James's-street, bellowing out, 
 ' Here's the new member for Briehton ! Here's the 
 boy wot sleeps in Cavendish-street! Huzzah, the old 
 'un for ever ! There's an elegant man for a small tea-
 
 ON 'THE age: 245 
 
 party ! Who wants a fat chap to send to their friends 
 this Christmas ? ' The noise they made was quite tre- 
 mendious, and the snow in many places being up to 
 their middles, we made werry slow progress, but still 
 they would keep me in the chair, and before we got to 
 the end of the street, the crowd had increased to some 
 hundreds. Here they began snow-balling, and my 
 hat and wig soon went flying, and then there was a 
 fresh halloa. ' Here's Mr. Wigney, the member for 
 Brighton,' they cried out ; ' I say, old boy, are you 
 for the ballot ? You must call on the Kine, this 
 morning; he wants to give you a Christmas-box.' 
 Just then one of the front bearers tumbled, and down 
 we all rolled into a drift, just opposite Daly's backey 
 shop. There were about twenty of us in together, 
 but, being pretty near the top, I was soon on my legs, 
 and seeing an opening, I bolted right forward— sent 
 three or four fellows flying — dashed down the passage 
 behind Saxby's wine vaults, across the Steyne, floun- 
 dering into the drifts, followed by the mob, shouting 
 and pelting me all the way. This double made some 
 of the beggars overshoot the mark, and run past the 
 statue of George the Fourth, but, seeing their mistake, 
 or hearing the other portion of the pack running in 
 the contrary direction, they speedily joined heads and 
 tails, and gave me a devil of a burst up the narrow 
 lane by the White 'Orse 'Otel. Fortunately Jonathan 
 Boxall's door was open, and Jonathan himself in the 
 passage bar, washing some decanters. ' Look sharp, 
 Jonathan!' said I, dashing past him as white as a 
 miller, ' look sharp ! come out of that, and be after 
 clapping your great carcase against the door to keep 
 the Philistines out, or they'll be the death of us both.' 
 Ouick as thouo^ht the door was closed and bolted 
 before ever the leaders had got up, but, finding this
 
 244 ^ R^D^ '^0 BRIGHTON 
 
 the case, the mob halted and proceeded to make a 
 deuce of a kick-up before the house, bellowing and 
 shouting like mad fellows, and threatening to pull it 
 down if I did not show. Jonathan got narvous, and 
 begged and intreated me to address them. I recom- 
 mended him to do it himself, but he said he was quite 
 unaccustomed to public speaking, and he would stand 
 two glasses of ' cold without' if I would. * Hot with,' 
 said I, 'and Til do it.' 'Done,' said he, and he 
 knocked the snow off my coat, pulled my wig straight, 
 and made me look decent, and took me to a bow- 
 winder'd room on the first-floor, threw up the sash, and 
 exhibited me to the company outside. I bowed and 
 kissed my hand like a candidate. They cheered and 
 shouted, and then called for silence whilst I addressed 
 them. ' Gentlemen,' said I, ' Who are yon ? ' ' Why, 
 we be the men wot carried your honour's glory from 
 Cavendish-street, and wants to be paid for it.' ' Gen- 
 tlemen,' said I, ' I'm no orator, but I'm a honest man ; 
 I pays everybody twenty shillings in the pound, and 
 no mistake (cheers). If you had done your part of the 
 bargain, I would have done mine, but 'ow can you 
 expect to be paid after spilling me ? This is a most 
 inclement day, and whatever you may say to the con- 
 trary, I'm not ]\Ir. Clement Wigney.' — 'No, nor 3/r. 
 Faithful neither,' bellowed one of the bearers, — ' Gen- 
 tlemen,' said I, ' you'll get the complaints of the season, 
 chilblains and influhensa, if you stand dribbling there 
 in the snow. Let me advise you to mizzle, for, if you 
 don't, I'm blowed if I don't divide a whole jug of cold 
 water equally amongst you. Go home to your wives 
 and children, and don't be after annoying an honest, 
 independent, amiable publican like Jonathan Boxall. 
 That's all I've got to say, and if I was to talk till 
 I'm black in the face, I couldn't say nothing more
 
 ON ' THE AGE.' 245 
 
 to the purpose ; so I wishes you all " A Merry Christ- 
 mas and an 'Appy New Year." ' 
 
 But I'm fatiguing you, Mr. Nimrod, with all this, 
 which is only interesting to the parties concerned, so 
 will pass on to other topics. I saw the King riding in 
 his coach with his Sunday coat on. He looked werry 
 well, but his nose was rather bluish at the end, a sure 
 sign that he is but a mortal, and feels the cold just 
 like any other man. The Queen did not show, but I 
 saw some of her maids of honour, who made me 
 think of the Richmond cheesecakes. There were a 
 host of pretty ladies, and the cold gave a little colour 
 to their noses too, which, I think, improved their 
 appearance wastly, for I've always remarked that your 
 ladies of quality are rather pasty, and do not generally 
 show their high blood in their cheeks and noses. I'm 
 werry fond of looking at pretty girls, whether maids 
 of 'onour or maids of all work. 
 
 The storm stopped all wisiting, and even the Countess 
 of Winterton's ball was obliged to be put off. How- 
 somever, that did not interfere at all with Jonathan 
 Boxall and me, except that it, perhaps, made us take a 
 bottom of brandy more than usual, particularly after 
 Jonathan had run over again one of his best runs. 
 
 Now, dear Nimrod, adieu. Whenever you comes 
 over to England, I shall be werry 'appy to see you in 
 Great Coram-street, where dinner is on the table punc- 
 tually at five on week days, and four on Sundays ; and 
 with best regards to Mrs. Nimrod, and all the little 
 Nimrods, 
 
 I remain, for Self and Co., yours to serve, 
 
 John Jorrocks.
 
 No. XII. 
 MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY. 
 
 The general postman had given the final flourish to his 
 bell, and the muffin-gid had just begun to tinkle hers, 
 when a capacious yellow hackney-coach, with a faded 
 scarlet hammer-cloth, was seen jolting down Great 
 Coram-street, and pulling up at Mr. Jorrocks's door. 
 
 Before Jarvey had time to apply his hand to the 
 area bell, after giving the usual three knocks and a half 
 to the brass lion's head on the door, it was opened by 
 the boy Benjamin in a new drab coat, with a blue collar, 
 and white sugar-loaf buttons, drab waistcoat, and black 
 velveteen breeches, with well-darned white cotton 
 stockings. 
 
 The knock drew Mr. Jorrocks from his dining-room, 
 where he had been acting the part of butler, for which 
 purpose he had put off his coat and appeared in his 
 shirt-sleeves, dressed in nankeen shorts, white gauze 
 silk stockings, white neckcloth, and white waistcoat, 
 with a frill as large as a hand-saw. Handing the bottle 
 and cork-screw to Betsey, he shuffled himself into a 
 smart new blue saxony coat with velvet collar and metal 
 buttons, and advanced into the passage to greet the 
 arrivers. 
 
 ' Oh ! gentlemen, gentlemen,' exclaimed he, ' I'm so 
 'appy to see you — so werry "appy you carn't think,' 
 holding out both hands to the foremost, who happened 
 
 <
 
 MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY. 247 
 
 to be Nimrod ; ' this is werry kind of you, for I declare 
 it's six to a minute. 'Ow are you, Mr. Nimrod? Most 
 proud to see you at my humble crib. Well, Stubbs, my 
 boy, 'ow do you do ? Never knew you late in my life,' 
 giving him a hearty slap on the back. 'Mr. Spiers, I'm 
 werry 'appy to see you. You are just what a sporting 
 publisher ought to be — punctuality itself. Now, gentle- 
 men, dispose of your tiles, and come upstairs to Mrs. J., 
 and let's get you introduced.' 
 
 ' I fear we are late, Mr. Jorrocks,' observed Nimrod, 
 advancing past the stair-case end to hang up his hat on 
 a line of pegs against the wall. 
 
 ' Not a bit of it,' replied Mr. Jorrocks — ' not a bit of 
 it — quite the contrary — you are the first, in fact ! ' 
 
 'Indeed!' replied Nimrod, eyeing a table full of 
 hats by where he stood — ' why here are as many hats 
 as would set up a shop. I really thought I'd got into 
 Beaver (Belvoir) Castle by mistake ! ' 
 
 ' Haw ! haw ! haw ! werry good, Mr. H'Apperley, 
 werry good indeed, — I owes you one.' 
 
 * / thought it was a Castor-0'A Mill,' rejoined Mr. 
 Spiers. 
 
 ' Haw ! haw ! haw ! werry good, Mr. Spiers, wherry 
 good indeed, — owes you one also, — but I see what 
 you're driving at. You think these hats have a cocoa- 
 nut apiece belonging to them upstairs. No such thing, 
 I assure you ; no such thing. The fact is, they are what 
 I've won at warious times, of the members of our 'unt, 
 and as I've got you great sporting coves dining with 
 me, I'm a-going to set them out on my side-board, just 
 as racing gents exhibit their gold and silver cups, you 
 know. Binjimin ! I say Binjimin ! you blackguard,' 
 holloaing down the kitchen stairs, ' why don't you set 
 out the casters as I told you ? and see you brush them 
 well ! ' ' Coming, sir, coming, sir ! ' replied Benjamin
 
 248 MR. yORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY. 
 
 from below, who at that moment was busily engaged, 
 takinor advantage of Betsey's absence, in scooping 
 marmalade out of a pot with his thumb. ' There's a 
 good lot of them,' said Mr. Jorrocks, resuming the con- 
 versation, ' four, six, eight, ten, twelve, thirteen, — all 
 trophies of sporting prowess. — Real good hats. — 
 None o' your nasty gossamers or dog-hair ones. There's 
 a tile ! ' said he, balancing a nice new white one with 
 green rims, on the tip of his finger. ' I won that in a 
 most ;;^/raculous manner. — A most wonderful way, in 
 fact. I was driving to Croydon one morning in my 
 four-wheeled one-'oss chay, and just as I got to Lilley- 
 white, the blacksmith's, below Brixton-hill, they had 
 thrown up a drain — a gulph I may call it — across the 
 road for the purpose of .repairing the gas-pipe — I was 
 raythcr late as it was, for our 'ounds are werry punctual, 
 and there was nothing for me but either to q-q a mile 
 and a half about, or drive slap over the gulph. Well, 
 I looked at it, and the more I looked at it the less I 
 liked it ; but just as I was thinking I had seen enough 
 of it, and was going to turn away, up tools Timothy 
 Truman in his buggy, and he, too, began to crane and 
 look into the abyss — and a terrible place it was, I assure 
 you — ^7n^e frightful, and he liked it no better than 
 myself Seeing this, I takes courage, and said, " Why, 
 Tim, your 'oss will do it ! " " Thank'e, Mr. J.," said 
 he, " YVi follow you." "Then," said I, "if you'll change 
 wehicles " — for, mind ye, I had no notion of damaging 
 my own — " I'll bet you a hat I gets over." " Done," 
 said he, and out he got ; so I takes his 'oss by the head, 
 looses the bearing-rein, and leading him quietly up to 
 the place and letting him have a look at it, gave him a 
 whack over the back, and over he went, gig and all, as 
 clever as could be ! ' 
 
 Stubbs. Well done, Mr. J., you are really a most
 
 MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY. 249 
 
 wonderful man ! You have the most extraordinary 
 adventures of any man breathing — but what did you do 
 with your own machine ? 
 
 Jorrocks. Oh ! you see, I just turned round to 
 Binjimin, who was with me, and said, you may go 
 home, and getting into Timothy's buggy, I had my 
 ride for nothing, and the hat into the bargain. A 
 nice hat it is too — regular beaver — a guinea's worth 
 at least. All true what I've told you, isn't it, Bin- 
 jimin ? 
 
 ' Quite ! ' replied Benjamin, putting his thumb to his 
 nose, and spreading his fingers like a fan as he slunk 
 behind his master. 
 
 'But come, gentlemen,' resumed Mr. Jorrocks, 'let's 
 be after going upstairs. — Binjimin, announce the gen- 
 tlemen as your missis taught you. — Open the door 
 with your left hand, and stretch the right towards her, 
 to let the company see the point to make up to.' 
 
 The party ascend the stairs one at a time, for the 
 flight is narrow, and rather abrupt, and Benjamin, 
 obeying his worthy master's injunctions, threw open 
 the front drawing-room door, and discovered Mrs. Jor- 
 rocks sitting in state at a round table, with annuals 
 and albums spread at orthodox distances around. 
 The possession of this room had long been a bone 
 of contention between Mr. Jorrocks and his spouse, 
 but at length they had accommodated matters, by 
 Mr. Jorrocks gaining undivided possession of the 
 back drawing-room (communicating by folding doors), 
 with the run of the front one equally with Mrs. Jor- 
 rocks on non-company days. A glance, however, 
 showed which was the master's and which the mis- 
 tress's room. The front one was papered with weep- 
 ing willows, bending under the weight of ripe cherries 
 on a white i^round, and the chair cushions were covered
 
 250 AfR. yORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY. 
 
 with pea-green cotton velvet with yellow worsted 
 bindings. 
 
 The round table was made of rosewood, and there 
 was a ' what not ' on the right of the fire-place of 
 similar material, containing a handsomely-bound col- 
 lection of Sir Walter Scott's Works, in wood. The 
 carpet-pattern consisted of most dashing bouquets of 
 many-coloured flowers, in winding French horns on 
 a very light drab ground, so light, indeed, that 
 Mr. Jorrocks was never allowed to tread upon it 
 except in pumps or slippers. The bell-pulls were 
 made of foxes' brushes, and in the frame of the 
 looking-glass, above the white marble mantel-piece, 
 were stuck visiting cards, notes of invitation, thanks 
 for ' obliging inquiries,' &c., &c. The hearth-rug 
 exhibited a bright yellow tiger, with pink eyes, on a 
 blue ground, with a flossy green border ; and the 
 fender and fire-irons were of shininof brass. On the 
 wall, immediately opposite the fire-place, was a por- 
 trait of Mrs. Jorrocks before she was married, so 
 unlike her present self, that no one would have taken 
 it for her. The back drawing-room, which looked 
 out upon the gravel walk and house-backs beyond, 
 w'as papered with broad scarlet and green stripes, 
 in honour of the Surrey-hunt uniform, and was set 
 out with a green-covered library table in the centre, 
 with a red morocco hunting chair between it and 
 the window, and several good strong hair-bottomed 
 mahogany chairs around the walls. The table had 
 a very literary air, being strewed with Sporting Maga- 
 zines, odd numbers of Bell's Life, pamphlets, and 
 papers of various descriptions, while on a sheet of 
 foolscap on the portfolio were ten lines of an elegy 
 on a giblet pie which had been broken on coming 
 from the baker's, at which Mr. Jorrocks had been
 
 MR. yORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY. 251 
 
 hammering for some time. On the side opposite 
 the fire-place, on a hanging range of mahogany 
 shelves, were ten volumes of Bell's Life in London, 
 the New Sporting Magazine, bound, gilt, and lettered, 
 the Memoirs of Harriette Wilson, Boxiana, Taplin's 
 Farriery, Nimrod's life of Mytton, and a backgammon 
 board that Mr. Jorrocks had bought by mistake for a 
 History of England. 
 
 Mrs. Jorrocks, as we said before, was sitting in 
 state at the far side of the round table, on a worsted- 
 worked ottoman, exhibiting a cock-pheasant on a white 
 ground, and was fanning herself with a red-and-white 
 paper fan, and turning over the leaves of an annual. 
 How Mr. Jorrocks happened to marry her, no one 
 could ever divine, for she never was pretty, had 
 very little money, and not even a decent figure to 
 recommend her. It was generally supposed at the 
 time, that his brother Joe and he having had a deadly 
 feud about a bottom piece of muffin, the lady's friends 
 had talked him into the match, in the hopes of his 
 having a family to leave his money to, instead of 
 bequeathing it to Joe or his children. Certain it 
 is, they never were meant for each other; Mr. Jor- 
 rocks, as our readers have seen, being all nature 
 and impulse, while Mrs, Jorrocks was all vanity and 
 affectation. To describe her accurately is more than 
 we can pretend to, for she looked so different in dif- 
 ferent dresses, that Mr. Jorrocks himself sometimes did 
 not recognise her. Her face was round, with a good 
 strong brick-dust sort of complexion, a turn-up nose, 
 eyes that were gray in one light, and green in another, 
 and a middle-sized mouth, with a double chin below. 
 Mr. Jorrocks used to say that she was warranted to 
 him as twelve years younger than himself, but many 
 people supposed the difference of age between them
 
 252 ^fR. yORROCA'S'S DINNER PARTY. 
 
 was not so great. Her stature was of middle height, 
 and she was of one breadth from the shoulders to 
 the heels. She was dressed in a flaming scarlet satin 
 gown, with swan's-down round the top, as also at the 
 arms, and two flounces of the same material round the 
 bottom. Her turban was of green velvet, with a gold 
 fringe terminating in a bunch over the left side, while 
 a bird of paradise inclined towards the right. Across 
 her forehead she wore a gold band, with a many- 
 coloured glass butterfly (a present from James Green), 
 and her neck, arms, waist (at least what ought to have 
 been her waist), were hung round and studded with 
 mosaic-gold chains, brooches, rings, buttons, bracelets, 
 &c., looking for all the world like a portable pawn- 
 broker's shop, or the lump of beef that Sindbad the 
 sailor threw into the Valley of Diamonds. In the 
 right of a gold band round her middle, was an im- 
 mense gold watch, with a bunch of mosaic seals ap- 
 pended to a massive chain of the same material ; and a 
 large miniature of Mr. Jorrocks when he was a young 
 man, with his hair stiffly curled, occupied a place 
 on her left side. On her rio^ht arm dandled a Qrreen 
 velvet bag, with a gold cord, out of which one of 
 Mr. Jorrocks's silk handkerchiefs protruded, while 
 a crumpled, yellowish-white cambric one, with a lace 
 fringe, lay at her side. 
 
 On an hour-glass stool, a little behind Mrs. Jorrocks, 
 sat her niece Belinda (Joe Jorrocks's eldest daughter), 
 a nice laughing pretty girl of sixteen, with languishing 
 blue eyes, brown hair, a nose of the ' turn-up ' order, 
 beautiful mouth and teeth, a very fair complexion, and 
 a gracefully moulded figure. She had just left one of 
 the finishing and polishing seminaries in the neigh- 
 bourhood of Bromley, where, for two hundred a year 
 and upwards, all the teasing accomplishments of life
 
 MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY. 253 
 
 are taught, and Mrs. Jorrocks, in her own mind, had al- 
 ready appropriated her to James Green, while Mr. Jor- 
 rocks, on the other hand, had assigned her to Stubbs. 
 Belinda's dress was simplicity itself; her silken hair 
 hung in shining tresses down her smiling face, con- 
 fined by a plain tortoise-shell comb behind, and a 
 narrow pink velvet band before. Round her swan- 
 like neck was a plain white cornelian necklace ; and 
 her well-washed white muslin frock, confined by a 
 pink sash, flowing behind in a bow, met in simple 
 folds across her swelling bosom. Black sandal shoes 
 confined her fairy feet, and with French cotton stock- 
 ings, completed her toilette. Belinda, though young, 
 was a celebrated eastern beauty, and there was not 
 a butcher's boy in Whitechapel, from Michael Scales's 
 downwards, but what eyed her with delight, as she 
 passed along from Shoreditch on her daily walk. 
 
 The presentations having been effected, and the 
 heat of the day, the excellence of the house, the clean- 
 liness of Great Coram-street — the usual topics, in 
 short, when people know nothing of each other— having 
 been discussed, our party scattered themselves about 
 the room to await the pleasing announcement of 
 dinner. Mr. Jorrocks, of course, was in attendance 
 upon Nimrod, while Mr. Stubbs made love to Belinda 
 behind Mrs. Jorrocks. 
 
 Presently, a loud long-protracted ' rat-tat-tat-tat-tan, 
 rat-tat-tat-tat-tan' at the street door sounded through 
 the house, and Jorrocks, with a slap on his thigh, ex- 
 claimed, ' By jingo, there's Green. No man knocks 
 with such wiggorous wiolence as he does. All Great 
 Coram-street and parts adjacent know when he comes. 
 Julius Caesar himself couldn't kick up a greater row.' 
 'What Green is it, Green of Rollestone?' inquired 
 Nimrod, thinking of his Leicestershire friend. 'No,'
 
 254 ^'/A'. yORROCKS'S DJNXER PARTY. 
 
 said Mr. Jorrocks, * Green of Tooley-street. You'll 
 have heard of the Greens in the Borough, 'emp, 'op, 
 and 'ide (hemp, hop, and hide) merchants — numerous 
 as the 'airs in my vig. This is James Green, jun., 
 whose father, old James Green, jun., vei^d antique, 
 as I calls him, is the son of James Green, sen., who is 
 in the 'emp line, and James is own cousin to young 
 old James Green, sen., whose father is in the 'ide line.' 
 The remainder of the pedigree was lost by Benjamin 
 throwing open the door and announcing Mr. Green ; 
 and Jemmy, who had been exchanging his cloth boots 
 for patent leather pumps, came bounding upstairs 
 like a racket-ball. ' My dear Mrs. Jorrocks,' cried he, 
 swinging through the company to her, 'I'm delighted 
 to see you looking so well. I declare you are fifty 
 per cent, younger than you were. Belinda, my love, 
 'ow are you ? Jorrocks, my friend, 'ow do ye do } ' 
 
 * Thank ye, James,' said Jorrocks, shaking hands 
 with him most cordially, ' I'm werry well, indeed, and 
 delighted to see you. Now let me present you to 
 Nimrod.' 
 
 * Ay, Nimrod!' said Green, in his usual flippant 
 style, with a nod of his head, ' ow are ye, Nimrod? 
 I've heard of you, I think, — Nimrod Brothers and 
 Co., bottle merchants, Crutched Friars, ain't it ? ' 
 
 ' JVo,' said Jorrocks, in an undertone with a frown, 
 — 'Mr. H'Apperley Nimrod, the great sporting 
 h'author.' 
 
 ' True,' replied Green, not at all disconcerted, ' I've 
 heard of him — Nimrod — the mighty 'unter before the 
 lord. Glad to see ye, Nimrod. Stubbs, 'ow are ye ? ' 
 nodding to the Yorkshireman, as he jerked himself on 
 to a chair on the other side of Belinda. 
 
 As usual. Green was gay as a peacock. His curly 
 flaxen wig projected over his forehead like the roof of
 
 MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY. 255 
 
 a Swiss cottage, and his pointed gills were supported 
 by a stiff mohair stock, with a broad front and black 
 frill confined with jet studs down the centre. His coat 
 was light green, with archery buttons, made very wide 
 at the hips, with which he sported a white waistcoat, 
 bright yellow-ochre leather trousers, pink silk stock- 
 ings, and patent-leather pumps. In his hand he car- 
 ried a white silk handkerchief, which smelt most power- 
 fully of musk ; and a pair of dirty wristbands drew the 
 eye to sundry dashing rings upon his fingers. 
 
 Jonathan Crane, a little long-nosed old city wine- 
 merchant, a member of the Surrey Hunt, being 
 announced and presented, Mrs. Jorrocks declared her- 
 self faint from the heat of the room, and begged to be 
 excused for a few minutes. Nimrod, all politeness, 
 was about to offer his arm, but Mr. Jorrocks pulled 
 him back, whispering, ' Id her go, let her go. The fact 
 is,' said he in an undertone after she was out of hear- 
 ing, 'it's a way Mrs. J. has when she wants to see that 
 dinner's all right. You see she's a terrible high-bred 
 woman, being a cross between a gentleman-usher and 
 a lady's-maid, and doesn't like to be supposed to look 
 arter these things, so when she goes, she always pre- 
 tends to faint. You'll see her back presently,' and 
 just as he spoke, in she came with a half-pint smelling 
 bottle at her nose. Benjamin followed immediately 
 after, and throwing open the door, proclaimed, in a 
 half-fledged voice, that ' dinner was s<^rved,' upon which 
 the party all started on their legs. 
 
 ' Now, Mr. H'Apperley Nimrod,' cried Jorrocks, 
 ' you'll trot Mrs. J. down — according to the book of 
 etiquette, you know, giving her the wall-side.* Sorry, 
 gentlemen, I haven't ladies apiece for you, but my 
 
 * ' In your passage from one room to another, offer the lady the wall 
 in going downstairs,' &c. — Spirit of Etiquette.
 
 256 ^rR. JORROCKS'S DIXXER PARTY. 
 
 sally-manoer, as we say in France, is rayth^r small, 
 besides which I never like to dine more than eight. 
 Stubbs. my boy. Green and you must toss up for Belinda 
 — hero's a halfpenny, and let it be " Newmarket,"* 
 if you please. Wot say you ? a woman ! Stubbs 
 wins ! ' cried Mr. Jorrocks, as the halfpenny fell head 
 downwards. ' Now, Spiers, couple up with Crane, and 
 James and I will whip in to you. But stop, gentle- 
 men ! ' cried Mr. Jorrocks, as he reached the top of the 
 stairs, * let me make one request — that you von't eat 
 the windmill you'll see on the centre of the table. 
 Mrs. Jorrocks has hired it for the evening, of Mr. 
 Farrell, the confectioner, in Lamb's Conduit-street, and 
 it's engaged to two or three evening parties after it 
 leaves this.' ' Lauk, John ! how wulgar you are. 
 What matter can it make to your friends where the 
 windmill comes from,' exclaimed Mrs. Jorrocks in an 
 audible voice from below, Nimrod, with admirable 
 skill, having piloted her down the straits and turns of 
 the staircase. Having squeezed herself between the 
 backs of the chairs and the wall, Mrs. Jorrocks at 
 length reached the head of the table, and with a bump 
 of her body and wave of her hand motioned Nimrod 
 to take the seat by her right. Green then pushed 
 past Belinda and Stubbs, and took the place on Mrs. 
 Jorrocks's left, so Stubbs, with a dexterous manoeuvre, 
 placed himself in the centre of the table, with Belinda 
 between himself and her uncle. Crane and Spiers then 
 filled the vacant places on Nimrod's side, Mr. Spiers 
 facino- ]\Ir. Stubbs. 
 
 The dining-room was the breadth of the passage 
 narrower than the front drawing-room, and, as Mr. 
 Jorrocks truly said, was ;77;'ther small, — but the table 
 
 * ' We have repeatedly decided that Newmarket is one toss.' — BciPs 
 Life.
 
 MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY. 257 
 
 being excessively broad, made the room appear less 
 than it was. It was lighted up with spermaceti 
 candles, in silver holders, one at each corner of the 
 table, and there was a lamp in the wall between the red 
 curtained windows, immediately below a brass nail, on 
 which Mr. Jorrocks's great hunting-whip and a bunch 
 of boot garters were hung. Two more candles in the 
 hands of bronze Dianas on the marble mantel-piece, 
 lighted up a coloured copy of Barraud's picture of John 
 Warde, on Blue Ruin ; while Mr. Ralph Lambton, on 
 his horse Undertaker, with his hounds and men, occu- 
 pied a frame on the opposite wall. The old-fashioned 
 cellaret side-board, against the wall at the end, sup- 
 ported a large, bright-burning brass lamp, with raised 
 foxes round the rim, whose effulgent rays shed a bril- 
 liant halo over eight black hats and two white ones, 
 whereof the four middle ones were decorated with 
 everorreens and foxes' brushes. The dinner-table 
 was crowded, not covered. There was scarcely a 
 square inch of cloth to be seen on any rtpa. In the 
 centre stood a magnificent, finely-spun, barley-sugar 
 windmill, two feet and a half high, with a spacious 
 sugar foundation, with a cart and horses and two or 
 three millers at the door, and a she-miller working 
 a ball-dress flounce at a lower window. 
 
 The whole dinner, first, second, third, fourth course 
 — everything, in fact, except dessert — was on the tabic, 
 as we sometimes see it at ordinaries and public dinners. 
 Before both Mr. and Mrs. Jorrocks were two great 
 tureens of mock turtle soup, each capable of holding 
 a gallon, and both full up to the brim. Then there were 
 two sorts of fish : turbot and lobster sauce, and a great 
 salmon. A round of boiled beef, and an immense 
 piece of roast occupied the rear of these, ready to 
 march on the disappearance of the fish and soup — 
 and behind the walls, formed by the beef of Old 
 
 s
 
 25S MR. yORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY. 
 
 England, came two dishes of grouse, each dish hold- 
 ing three brace. The side-dishes consisted of a calf's 
 head hashed, a leg of mutton, chickens, ducks, and 
 mountains of vegetables ; and round the windmill were 
 plum-puddings, tarts, jellies, pies, and puffs. 
 
 Behind Mrs. Jorrocks's chair stood Bcztsay with 
 a fine brass-headed comb in her hair, and stiff ringlets 
 down her ruddy cheeks. She was dressed in a green 
 silk gown with a coral necklace, and one of Mr, Jor- 
 rocks's lavender and white coloured silk pocket-hand- 
 kerchiefs made into an apron. Bz'njz'min stood with 
 the door in his hand, as the saying is, with a towel 
 twisted round his thum.b, as though he had cut it. 
 
 ' Now, gentlemen,' said Mr. Jorrocks, casting his eye 
 up the table, as soon as they had all got squeezed and 
 wedged round it, and the dishes were uncovered, ' yo2c 
 see yottr dimmer, eat whatever you like except the wind- 
 mill — hope you'll be able to satisfy nature with what's 
 on — would have more, but Mrs. J. is so werry fine, she 
 w^ont stand two joints of the same sort on the table.' 
 
 Mrs. y . Lauk, John, how can you be so wulgar ! 
 Who ever saw two rounds of beef, as you wanted to 
 have. Besides, I'm sure the gentlemen w^ill excuse 
 any little defishency, considering the short notice we 
 have had, and that this is not an elaborate dinner. 
 
 Mr. Spiers. I'm sure, ma'am, there's no deyfi"/^ency 
 at all. Indeed, I think there's as much fish as would 
 serve double the number — and I'm sure you look as if 
 }ou had your soup * on sale or return,' as we say in 
 the magazine line. 
 
 Mr. y. Haw! haw! haw! werry good, Mr. Spiers. 
 I owe you one. Not bad soup, though — had it from 
 Birch's. Let me send you some ; and pray lay into it, 
 or I shall think you don't like it. Mr. H'Apperley, 
 let me send you some — and, gentlemen, let me observe, 
 once for all, that there's every species of malt liquor
 
 MR. JORROCK^'S DINNER PARTY. 259 
 
 under the side-table. Prime stout, from the Marquess 
 Cornwalhs, hard by. Also ale, table, and what my 
 friend Crane there calls lamen/^^/^, — he says, because 
 it's so werry small — but, in truth, because I don't buy 
 it of him. There's all sorts of drench, in fact, except 
 water — a thing I never touch — rots one's shoes, don't 
 know what it would do with one's stomach if it was to 
 get there. Mr. Crane, you're eating nothing. I'm quite 
 shocked to see you ; you don't surely live upon h'air ? 
 Do help yourself, or you'll faint from werry famine. 
 Belinda, my love, does the Yorkshireman take care of 
 you ? Who's for some salmon ? — bought at Luckey's, 
 and there's both Tallyho and Tantivy sarce to eat with 
 it. Somehow or other I always fancies I rides harder 
 after eating these sarces with fish. Mr. H'Apperley 
 Nimrod, you are the greatest man at table, conse- 
 quently I axes you to drink wine first, according 
 to the book of etiquette — help yourself, sir. Some of 
 Crane's particklar, hot and strong, real stuff, none of 
 your wan de bones (vin de beaume) or rot-gut French 
 stuff — hope you like it — if you don't, pray speak your 
 mind freely, now that we have Crane among us. Bin- 
 jimin, get me some of that duck before Mr. Spiers ; a leg 
 and a wing, if you please sir, and a bit of the breast. 
 
 Mr. Spiers. Certainly, sir, certainly. Do you prefer 
 a right, or a left wing, sir ? 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks. Oh, either. I suppose it's all the 
 same. 
 
 Mr. Spiers. Why no, sir, it's not exactly all the 
 same ; for it happens there is only one remaining, 
 therefore it must be the left one. 
 
 Mr. J. (Chuckling). Haw! haw! haw! Mr. S., 
 werry good that — werry good, indeed. I owes you huo. 
 
 ' I'll trouble you for a little, Mr. Spiers, if you 
 please,' says Crane, handing his plate round the wind- 
 mill.
 
 :6o MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY. 
 
 ' I'm sorry, sir, it's all gone,' replies Mr. Spiers, who 
 had just filled Mr. Jorrocks's plate ; ' there's nothing left 
 but the neck,' holding it up on the fork. 
 
 ' Well, send it,' rejoins Mr. Crane ; ' neck or nothing, 
 you know, Mr. Jorrocks, as we say with the 
 Surrey.' 
 
 ' Haw ! haw ! haw ! ' grunts Mr. Jorrocks, who is 
 busy sucking a bone ; ' haw ! haw ! haw ! worry good. 
 Crane, werry good — owes you one. Now, gentlemen,' 
 added he, casting his eye up the table as he spoke, ' let 
 me adwise ye, before you attack the grouse, to take 
 the hedge (edge) off your appetites, or else there won't 
 be enough, and, you know, it does not do to eat the 
 farmer after the gentleman. Let's see, now — three and 
 three are six, six brace among eight — oh dear, that's 
 nothing like enough. I wish, Mrs. J., you had fol- 
 lowed my adwice, and roasted them all. And now, 
 Binjimin, you're going to break the windmill with your 
 clumsiness, you little dirty rascal ! Why von't you let 
 Bats2iy arrange the table ? Thank you, Mr. Crane, for 
 your assistance, — your politeness, sir, exceeds your 
 beauty.' [A barrel organ strikes up before the window, 
 and Jorrocks throws down his knife and fork in an 
 agony.] * Oh dear, oh dear, there's that cursed h'organ 
 again! It's a regular annihilator. Binjimin, run and 
 kick the fellow's werry soul out of him. There's no 
 man suffers so much from music as I do. I wish I had 
 a pocketful of sudden deaths, that I might throw one 
 at every thief of a musicianer that comes up the street. 
 I declare the scoundrel has set all my teeth on edge. 
 Mr. Nimrod, pray take another glass of wine after 
 your roast-beef. — Well, with Mrs. J. if you choose, 
 but I'll join you — always says that you are the werry 
 cleverest man of the day— read all your writings — 
 anny-tommy (anatomy) of gaming, and all. Am 
 a h'author myself, you know — once set to, to write
 
 MR. yORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY. 261 
 
 an werry long and elaborate h'article on scent, but 
 after cudgelling my brains, and turning the thing over 
 and over again in my mind, all that I could brew on 
 the subject was, that scent was a werry rum thing ; 
 nothing rummer than scent, except a woman.' 
 
 * Pray,' cried Mrs. Jorrocks, her eyes starting as she 
 spoke, ' don't let us have any of your low-lifed stable 
 conversation here — you think to show off before the 
 ladies,' added she, ' and flatter yourself you talk about 
 what we don't understand. — Now, I'll be bound to 
 say, with all your fine sporting hinformation, you carn't 
 tell me whether a mule brays or neighs ! ' 
 
 ' Vether a mule brays or neighs .-* ' repeated Mr. 
 Jorrocks, considering, ' I'll lay I can !' 
 
 ' Which then ! ' inquired Mrs. Jorrocks. 
 
 ' Vy, I should say it brayed.' 
 
 *" Mzile dray!' cried Mrs. Jorrocks, clapping her 
 hands with delight, * there's a cockney block-head for 
 you ! It brays, does it ? ' 
 
 Mr. jorrocks. — I meant to say, neighed. 
 
 * Ho ! ho! ho!' grinned Mrs. J., 'neighs, does it? 
 You are a nice man for a fox-'unter — a mule neisfhs — 
 thought I'd catch you some of these odd days with 
 your wain conceit.' 
 
 ' Vy, what does it do, then .■*' inquired Mr. Jorrocks, 
 his choler rising as he spoke. ' I hopes, at all ewents, 
 he don't make the 'orrible noise you do.' 
 
 ' Why, it screams, you great h'ass ! ' rejoined his 
 loving spouse. 
 
 A single, but very resolute knock at the street-door, 
 sounding quite through the house, stopped all further 
 ebullition, and Benjamin, slipping out, held a short 
 conversation with some one in the street, and returned. 
 
 * What's happened now, Binjimin } ' inquired Mr. 
 Jorrocks, with anxiety on his countenance, as the boy 
 re-entered the room ; ' the 'osses arn't amiss, I 'ope ? '
 
 262 MR. 70nR0CK'S'S DJNXER PARTY. 
 
 ' Please, sir, Mr. Farrell's young man has come for 
 the windmill — he says you've had it two hours,' replied 
 Benjamin. 
 
 ' The deuce be with Mr. Farrell's young man ! he 
 does not suppose we can part with the mill before the 
 cloth's drawn — tell him to mizzle, or I'll mill him. 
 " Now's the day and now's the hour;" who's for some 
 o-rouse ? Gentlemen, make your game, in fact. But 
 first of all let's have a round-robin. Pass the wine, 
 crentlemen. What wine do you take, Stubbs ? ' 
 
 * Why, Champagne is good enough for me.' 
 
 Mr. Jorrocks. — I dare say ; but if you wait till you 
 get any here, you will have a long time to stop. 
 Shampain, Indeed ! had enough of that nonsense 
 abroad — declare you young chaps drink shampain 
 like h'ale. There's red and wite, port and sherry, in 
 fact, and them as carn't drink, they must go without. 
 
 X. was expensive and soon became poor, 
 
 Y. was the wise man and kept want from the door. 
 
 * Now for the grouse !' added he, as the two beefs 
 disappeared, and they took their stations at the top 
 and bottom of the table. — ' Fine birds, to be sure ! 
 hope you havn't burked your appetites, gentlemen, so 
 as not to be able to do justice to them — smell high — 
 werry good — gamey, in fact — Binjimin, take an 'ot 
 plate to Mr. Nimrod — sarve us all round with them.' 
 
 The grouse being excellent, and cooked to a turn, 
 little execution was done upon the pastry, and the 
 jellies had all melted long before it came to their turn 
 to be eaten. At length everyone, Mr. Jorrocks and all, 
 appeared satisfied, and the noise of knives and forks 
 was succeeded by the din of tongues and the ringing 
 of glasses, as the eaters refreshed themselves with 
 wine or malt liquors. Cheese and biscuit being 
 handed about on plates, according to the ' Spirit of
 
 MR. yORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY. 263 
 
 Etiquette,' Bmjzmin and B^tsay at length cleared the 
 table, lifted off the windmill, and removed the cloth. 
 Mr, Jorrocks then delivered himself of a most 
 emphatic grace. 
 
 The wine and dessert being placed on the table, the 
 ceremony of drinking healths all round was performed. 
 'Your good health, Mrs. J., Belinda, my bove, your 
 good health — wish you a good 'usband. — Nimrod, your 
 good health. — James Green, your good health. — Old 
 verd antiques good health. — Your uncle's good health. 
 — All the Green family. — Stubbs, your good health. — 
 Spiers, Crane, &c., &c.' The bottles then pass round 
 three times, on each of which occasions Mrs. Jorrocks 
 makes them pay toll. The fourth time she let them 
 pass ; and Jorrocks began to grunt, hem, and haw, and 
 kick the leg of the table, by way of giving her a hint 
 to depart. This caused a dead silence, which at 
 length was broken by the Yorkshireman 's exclaiming 
 ' horrid pause ! ' 
 
 ' Horrid paws ! ' vociferated Mrs. J., in a towering 
 rage, ' so would yours, let me tell you, sir, if you had 
 helped to cook all that dinner : ' and gathering herself 
 up and repeating the words, 'horrid paws, indeed, I 
 like your imperence,' she sailed out of the room like 
 an exasperated turkey-cock ; her face, from heat, anger, 
 and the quantity she had drunk, being as red as her 
 gown. Indeed, she looked for all the world as if she 
 had been put into a furnace and blown red-hot. 
 Jorrocks having got rid of his ' worser half,' as he calls 
 her, let out a reef or two of his acre of white waistcoat, 
 and each man made himself comfortable according to 
 his acceptation of the term. 'Gentlemen,' says Jor- 
 rocks, 'I'll trouble you to charge your glasses, 'eel-taps 
 off— a bumper toast — no sky-lights, if you please. 
 Crane, pass the wine — you are a regular old stoj)- 
 bottle — a turnpike gate, in fact. / i/iiu/c you l-akc back
 
 264 ^^^- 70/^ROCA'S'S DINNER PARTY. 
 
 /^;;^j_gentlcmen, are you all charged ?— then I'll 
 give you The Noble Sport of Fox-'Unting ! gentle- 
 men, with three times three, and Crane will give the 
 'ips— all ready— now, 'ip, 'ip, 'ip, 'uzza,'uzza, 'uzza — 'ip, 
 'ip, 'ip, 'uzza, 'uzza, 'uzza — 'ip, 'ip, 'ip, 'uzza, 'uzza, 'uzza 
 — one cheer more, 'uzza ! ' After this followed ' The 
 Merry Harriers,' then came ' The Staggers,' after that 
 ' The Trigger, and bad luck to Cheetum,' all bumpers ; 
 when Jorrocks, having screwed his courage up to the 
 sticking-place, called for another, which being com- 
 plied with, he rose and delivered himself as follows : 
 
 * Gentlemen, in rising to propose the toast which I 
 am now about to propose — I feel — I feel — (Yorkshire- 
 man — " very queer ? ") J. No, not werry queer, and 
 I'll trouble you to hold your jaw (laughter). Gentle- 
 men, I say, in rising to propose the toast which I am 
 about to give, I feel — I feel — (Crane — "werry 
 nervous?") J. No, not werry nervous, so none of 
 your nonsense ; /e^ me alone, I say. I say, in rising to 
 propose the toast which I am about to give, I feel — 
 (Mr. Spiers — "very foolish?" Nimrod — "very 
 funny ? " Crane — " werry rum ? ") J. No, werry 
 proud of the distinguished honour that has been 
 conferred upon me — conferred upon me — conferred 
 upon me — distinguished honour that has been con- 
 ferred upon me by the presence, this day, of one of 
 the most distinguished men — distinguished men — by 
 the presence, this day, of one of the most distinguished 
 men and sportsmen — of modern times (cheers). 
 Gentlemen — this is the proudest moment of my life ! 
 the eyes of England are upon us ! I give you the 
 health of Mr. H'Apperley Nimrod.' (Drunk with 
 three times three.) 
 
 When the cheering and dancing of the glasses had 
 somewhat subsided, Nimrod rose and spoke as 
 follows :
 
 MR. yORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY. 265 
 
 ' Mr. Jorrocks, and gentlemen, 
 
 ' The handsome manner in which my health has 
 been proposed by our worthy and estimable host, and 
 the flattering reception it has met with from you, merit 
 my warmest acknowledgments. I should, indeed, be 
 unworthy of the land which gave me birth, were I 
 insensible of the honour which has just been done me 
 by so enlightened and distinguished an assembly as 
 the present. My friend, Mr. Jorrocks, has been 
 pleased to designate me as one of the most dis- 
 tinguished sportsmen of the day, a title, however, to 
 which I feel I have little claim : but this I may say, 
 that I have portrayed our great national sports in their 
 brightest and most glowing colours, and that on 
 sporting subjects my pen shall yield to none (cheers.) 
 I have ever been the decided advocate of manly sports 
 and exercises, not only on account of the health and 
 vigour they inspire, but because I feel that they arc 
 the best safeguards of a nation's energies, and the best 
 protection against luxury, idleness, debauchery, and 
 effeminacy (cheers). The authority of all history 
 informs us, that the energies of countries flourished 
 whilst manly sports have flourished, and decayed as 
 they died away (cheers). What says Juvenal, when 
 speaking of the entry of luxury into Rome ? 
 
 " Sasvior armis 
 Luxuria incubuit, victumque ulciscitur orbem." 
 
 And we need only refer to ancient history, and to the 
 writings of Xenophon, Cicero, Horace, or Virgil, for 
 evidence of the value they have all attached to the 
 encouragement of manly, active, and hardy pursuits, 
 and the evils produced by a degenerate and effemi- 
 nate life on the manners and characters of a people 
 (cheers). Many of the most eminent literary charac- 
 ters of this and of other countries have been ardently 
 attached to field sports ; and who that has experienced
 
 j66 MR. yORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY. 
 
 their beneficial results, can doubt that they are the 
 best promoters of the 7ncns sana in corpore sano — the 
 body sound and the understanding clear (cheers.) 
 Gentlemen, it is with feelings of no ordinary gratifica- 
 tion that I find myself at the social and truly hospi- 
 table board of one of the most distinguished ornaments 
 of one of the most celebrated Hunts in this great 
 country, one whose name and fame have reached the 
 four corners of the globe — to find myself after so long 
 an absence from my native land — an estrangement 
 from all that has ever been nearest and dearest to my 
 heart, once again surrounded by those cheerful counte- 
 nances which so well express the honest, healthful 
 pursuits of their owners. — Let us then,' added Nimrod, 
 seizing a decanter, and pouring himself out a bumper, 
 * drink, In true Kentish fire, the health and prosperity 
 of that brightest sample of civic sportsmen, the great 
 and renowned John Jorrocks !' 
 
 Immense applause followed the conclusion of this 
 speech, during which time the decanters buzzed round 
 the table, and the glasses being emptied, the company 
 rose, and a full charge of Kentish fire followed ; Mr. 
 Jorrocks, sitting all the while, looking as uncomfortable 
 as men In his situation generally do. 
 
 The cheering having subsided, and the parties 
 having resumed their seats, It washls turn to rise ; so 
 getting on his legs, he essayed to speak, but finding, 
 as many men do, that his Ideas deserted him the 
 moment the ' eyes of England' were turned upon him, 
 after two or three hitches of his nankeens, and as 
 many hems and haws, he very coolly resumed his seat, 
 and spoke as follows : — 
 
 ' Gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public speak- 
 ing, I am quite taken aback by this werry unexpected 
 compliment (cheers) ; never since I filled the h'ancient 
 and h'onerable h'office of churchwarden in the populous
 
 MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY. 267 
 
 parish of St. Botolph Without, have I experienced a 
 gratification equal to the present. I thank you from the 
 werry bottom of my breeches-pocket (applause). Gen- 
 tlemen, I'm no h'orator, but I'm a h'onest man (cheers.) 
 I should indeed be underserving the name of a sports- 
 man — undeserving of being a member of that great 
 and justly celebrated 'unt, of which Mr. H'Apperley 
 Nimrod has spun so handsome and flattering a yarn, 
 if I did not feel deeply proud of the compliment you 
 have paid it. It is unpossible for me to follow that 
 great sporting scholar fairly over the ridge and furrow 
 of his werry intricate and elegant h'oration, for there are 
 many of those fine gentlemen's names — French, I pre- 
 sume — that he mentioned, that I never heard of before, 
 and cannot recollect ; but if you will allow me to run 
 'eel a little, I would make a few h'observations on a 
 few of his h'observations, — Mr. H'Apperley Nimrod, 
 gentlemen, was pleased to pay a compliment to what 
 he was pleased to call my something 'ospitality. I am 
 extremely obliged to him for it. To be surrounded by 
 one's friends is in my mind the ''A i " of 'uman 
 'appiness (cheers). Gentlemen, I am most proud of 
 the honour of seeing you all here to-day, and I hope 
 the grub has been to your likin (cheers), if not, I'll 
 discharge my butcher. On the score of quantity there 
 might be a little deficiency, but I hope the quality was 
 prime. Another time this shall all be remedied 
 (cheers), — Gentlemen, I understand those cheers, and 
 I'm flattered by them — I likes 'ospitality ! — I'm not the 
 man to keep my butter in a 'pike-ticket, or my coals 
 in a quart pot (immense cheering). Gentlemen, these 
 are my sentiments, I leaves the flowers of speech to 
 them as is better acquainted with botany (laughter) — I 
 likes plain English, both in eating and talking, and I'm 
 happy to see Mr. H'Apperley Nimrod has not forgot 
 his, and can put up with our homely fare, and do with-
 
 268 MR. yORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY. 
 
 out pantaloon cutlets, blankets of woe,* and such like 
 miseries. I hates their 'orse douvers (hors-d'oeuvres), 
 their rots, and their poisons (poissons); 'ord rot em, they 
 near killed me, and right glad am I to get a glass of old 
 British black strap. And talking of black strap, gentle- 
 men, I call on old Crane, the man what supplies it, to 
 tip us a song. — So now I'm finished — and you, Crane, 
 lap up your liquor and begin' (applause). 
 
 Crane was shy — unused to sing in company — never- 
 theless, if it was the wish of the party, and it would 
 oblige his good customer, Mr. Jorrocks, he would try 
 his hand at a stave or two made in honour of the 
 immortal Surrey. Having emptied his glass and 
 cleared his windpipe. Crane commenced. 
 
 * Here's a health to them that can ride ! 
 Here's a heakh to them that can ride ! 
 And those that don't wish good luck to the cause^ 
 May they roast by their own fire-side ! 
 It's good to drown care in the chase, 
 I'ts good to drown care in the bowl, 
 It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds. 
 Here's his health from the depth of my soul. , 
 
 CHORUS. 
 Hurrah for the loud tally-ho! 
 Hurrah for the loud tally-ho ! 
 It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds, 
 And echo the shrill tally-ho ! 
 
 ' Here's a health to them that can ride ! 
 Here's a health to them that ride bold ! 
 May the leaps and the dangers that each has defied, 
 In columns of sporting be told ! 
 Here's freedom to him that would walk ! 
 Here's freedom to him that would ride ! 
 There's none ever feared that the horn should be heard 
 Who the joys of the chase ever tried. 
 
 Hurrah for the loud tally-ho ! 
 
 Hurrah for the loud tally-ho I 
 
 It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds, 
 
 And halloo the loud tally-ho ! ' 
 
 * Blanquette de veau.
 
 MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY. 269 
 
 ' Beautiful ! beautiful ! ' exclaimed Jorrocks, clap- 
 ping his hands, and stamping as Crane had ceased, 
 
 " A werry good song, and it's werry well sung, 
 Jolly companions every one ! " 
 
 ' Gentlemen, pray charge your glasses — there's one 
 toast we must drink in a bumper if we ne'er take a 
 bumper again. Mr. Spiers, pray charge your glass — 
 Mr. Stubbs, vy don't you fill up ? — Mr. Nimrod, off 
 with your 'eel taps, pray — I'll give ye the " Surrey 
 'Unt," with all my 'art and soul. Crane, my boy, 
 here's your werry good health, and thanks for your 
 song!' — (All drink the Surrey Hunt, and Crane's 
 good health, with applause, which brings him on his 
 legs with the following speech.) 
 
 ' Gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public speak- 
 ing (laughter), I beg leave on behalf of myself and the 
 absent members of the Surrey 'Unt, to return you our 
 own most 'artfelt thanks for the flattering compliment 
 you have just paid us, and to assure you that the esteem 
 and approbation of our fellow sportsmen is to us the 
 magnum bonum of all earthly 'appiness — (cheers and 
 laughter). Gentlemen, I will not trespass longer upon 
 your valuable time, but as you seem to enjoy this wine 
 of my friend Mr. Jorrocks's, I may just say that I have 
 got some more of the same quality left, at from forty- 
 two to forty-eight shillings a dozen, also some good 
 stout draught port, at ten and sixpence a gallon — some 
 ditto werry superior at fifteen ; also foreign and British 
 spirits, and Dutch liqueurs, rich and rare.' 
 
 The conclusion of the vintner's address was drowned 
 in shouts of laughter. Mr. Jorrocks then called upon 
 the company in succession for a toast, a song, or a 
 sentiment. Nimrod gave, ' The Royal Stag-hounds ; ' 
 Crane gave, ' Champagne to our real friends, and real
 
 270 MR. yORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY. 
 
 pain to our sham friends;' Green sang, 'I'd be a 
 butterfly ; ' Mr. Stubbs gave, ' Honest men and Bonnie 
 Lasses ; ' and Mr. Spiers, like a patriotic printer, gave 
 ' The Liberty of the Press,' which he said was Hke 
 fox-hunting — ' if we have it not we die ' — all of which 
 Mr. Jorrocks applauded as if he had never heard them 
 before, and drank in bumpers. It was evident that 
 unless tea was speedily announced he would soon 
 become 
 
 ' O'er the ills of life victorious,' 
 
 for he had pocketed his wig, and had been clipping the 
 Queen's English for some time. After a pause, during 
 which his cheeks twice changed colour, from red to 
 green and back to red, he again called for a bumper 
 toast, which he prefaced with the following speech, or 
 parts of a speech : 
 
 ' Gentlemen, — in rising — propose toast about to 
 give — feel werry — feel werry (Yorkshireman, " werry 
 muzzy ? ") J. — feel werry — (Mr. Spiers, ** werry sick ? ") 
 J. — werry — (Crane, " werry thirsty } ") J. — feel werry 
 — (Nimrod, " werry wise ? ') J. — no ; but werry sensible 
 — great compliment — eyes of England upon us — give 
 you the health — Mr. H'Apperley Nimrod — three 
 times three ! ' 
 
 He then attempted to rise for the purpose of 
 marking the time, but his legs deserted his body, and, 
 after two or three lurches, dow^n he went with a 
 tremendous thump under the table. He called first 
 for ' Batsay,' then for ' Binjimin,' and, game to the 
 last, blurted out, ' Lift me up ! — tie me in my chair ! — 
 fill my glass ! '
 
 I
 
 No. XIII. 
 THE DAY AFTER THE FEAST 
 
 AN EPISODE BY THE YORKSHIREMAN. 
 
 On the morning after Mr. Jorrocks's ' dinner-party' 
 I had occasion to go into the city, and took Great 
 Coram-street in my way. My heart misgave me 
 when I recollected Mrs. J. and her horrid paws, but 
 still I thought it my duty to see how the grocer was 
 after his fall. Arrived at the house I rang the area 
 bell, and Benjamin, who was cleaning knives below, 
 popped his head up, and seeing who it was, ran up- 
 stairs and opened the door. His master was up, he 
 said, but ' werry bad,' and his misses was out. 
 Leaving him to resume his knife-cleaning occupation, 
 I slipped quietly upstairs, and hearing a noise in the 
 bedroom, opened the door, and found Jorrocks sitting 
 in his dressing-gown in an easy-chair, with Betsy 
 patting his bald head with a damp towel. 
 
 ' Do that again, Batsay ! — Do that again ! ' was the 
 first sound I heard, being an invitation to Betsy to 
 continue her occupation. ' Here's the Yorkshireman, 
 sir,' said Betsy, looking around. 
 
 ' Ah ! Mr. York, how are you this morning ? ' said 
 he, turning a pair of eyes upon me that looked like 
 boiled gooseberries — his countenance indicating severe 
 indisposition. 'Set down, sir; set down — I'm werry 
 bad — werry bad indeed — bad go last night. Doesn't 
 do to go to the lush-crib this weather. How are you, 
 eh ? tell me all about it. Is Mr. Nimrod gone V
 
 272 THE DA V AFTER THE FEAST:' 
 
 ' Don't know,' said I ; * I have just come from 
 Lancaster-street, where I have been seeing an aunt, 
 and thought I would take Great Coram-street in my 
 way to the city, to ask how you do — but where's Mrs. 
 Jorrocks ? ' 
 
 jforrocks. Oh, cuss Mrs. J. I knows nothing 
 about her — been reading the riot act, and giving her 
 red rag a hohday all the morning — wish to God I'd 
 never see'd her — took her for better and worser, it's 
 werry true ; — but she's a d — d deal worser than I took 
 her for. Hope your hat may long cover your family. 
 Mrs. J.'s gone to the Commons to Jenner — swears 
 she'll have a diworce, a mensa et thorax, I think she 
 calls it — wish she may get it — sick of hearing her talk 
 about it — Jenner's the only man wot puts up with her, 
 and that's because he gets his fees. Batsay, my dear ! 
 you may damp another towel, and then get me some- 
 thing to cool my coppers — all in a glow, I declare — 
 complete fever. You whiles go to the lush-crib, Mr. 
 Yorkshireman ; what, now, do you reckon best after a 
 regular drench ? 
 
 Yorkshireman. Oh, nothing like a glass of soda- 
 water with a bottom of brandy — some people prefer a 
 sermon, but that won't suit you or I. After your soda 
 and brandy take a good chivy in the open air, and 
 you'll be all right by dinner-time. 
 
 yorrocks. Right ! Bliss ye, I shall niver be right 
 again. I can scarce move out of my chair, I'm so bad 
 — my head's just fit to split in two — I'm in no state to 
 be seen. 
 
 Yorkshii^eman. Oh, pooh ! — get your soda-water and 
 brandy, then have some strong coffee and a red- 
 herring, and you'll be all right, and if you'll find 
 cash, I'll find company, and we'll go and have a lark 
 together.
 
 AN EPISODE BY THE YORKSHIREMAN. 273 
 
 Jorrocks. Couldn't really be seen out — besides- 
 cash is werry scarce. By the way, now that I 
 come to think on it, I had a five pounder in my 
 breeches last night. Just feel in the pocket of them 
 'ere nankeens, and see that Mrs. J. has not grabbed 
 it to pay Jenner's fee v/ith. 
 
 Yorkshireman (Feels). No — all right — here it is — 
 No. 10,497 — ^ promise to pay Mr. Thomas Rippon, 
 or bearer, on demand, five pounds ! Let's demand it, 
 and go and spend the cash. 
 
 yorrocks. No, no — put it back — or into the table-, 
 drawer, see — fives are werry scarce with rne — can't 
 aft"ord it — must be just before I'm generous. 
 
 Yorkshireman. Well, then, J., you must just stay at 
 home and get bullied by Mrs. J., who will be back just 
 now, I dare say, perhaps followed by Jenner and half 
 Doctors' Commons. 
 
 Jorrocks. The deuce! I forgot all that — curse Mrs. J. 
 
 and the Commons too. Well, Mr. Yorkshireman, I 
 
 don't care if I do go with you — but where shall it be 
 
 to ? Some place where we can be quiet, for I really 
 
 am werry bad, and not up to nothing like a lark. 
 
 Yorkshireman. Suppose we take a sniff of the briny 
 Margate — Ramssfate — Broadstairs ? 
 
 Jorrocks. No, none of them places — over well- 
 known at 'em all — can't be quiet — get to the lush-crib 
 again, perhaps catch the cholera and go to Gravesend 
 by mistake. Let's go to the Eel Pye at Twickenham 
 and live upon fish. 
 
 Yorkshireman. Fish ! you old flat. Why, you know 
 you'd be the first to cry out if you had to do so. No, 
 no — let's have no humbug — here, drink your coffee 
 like a man, and then husde your purse and see what 
 it will produce. Why, even Betsy is laughing at the 
 idea of your living upon fish.
 
 274 ' THE DA V AFTER THE FEAST : 
 
 Jorrocks. Don't shout so, pray — your voice shoots 
 throu^^h every nerve of my head and distracts me 
 (drinks). This is grand Mocho — quite the cordial 
 bahn of Gilead — werry fine indeed. Now I feel re- 
 wived and can listen to you. 
 
 Yorkshireman. Well, then, pull on your boots — gird 
 up your loins, and let's go and spend this five pounds 
 — stay away as long as it lasts, in fact. 
 
 Jorrocks. Well, but give me the coin — it's mine, 
 you know — and let me be paymaster, or I know 
 you'll soon be into dock again. That's right; and 
 now I have got three half-crowns besides, which I 
 will add. 
 
 Yorkshireman. And I've got \kvr&^-pence, which, not 
 to be behindhand in point of liberality, I'll do the 
 same with, so that we have got five pounds seven 
 shillings and ninepence between us, according to 
 Cocker. 
 
 Jorrocks. Between us, indeed ! I likes that. You're 
 a eenerous churchwarden. 
 
 Yorkshireman. Well — ^we won't stand upon trifles — 
 the principle is the thing I look to — and not the 
 amount. So now where to, your honour ? 
 
 After a long parley, we fixed upon Heme Bay. 
 Our reasons for doing so were numerous, though it 
 would be superfluous to mention them, save that the 
 circumstance of neither of us ever having been there, 
 and the prospect of finding a quiet retreat for Jorrocks 
 to recover in, were the principal ones. Our arrange- 
 ments were soon made. ' Batsay,' said J. to his prin- 
 cipessa of a cook, slut, and butler, * the Yorkshireman 
 and I are going out of town to stay five pounds seven 
 and ninepence, so put up my traps.' Two shirts (one 
 to wash the other, as he said), three pairs of stockings, 
 with other etceteras, were stamped into a carpet-bag,
 
 AN EPISODE BY THE YORKSHIREMAN. 275 
 
 and taking a cab, we called at the Piazza, where I took 
 a few things, and away we drove to Temple Bar. 
 'Stop here with the bags,' said Jorrocks, 'while I go 
 to the Temple-stairs and make a bargain with a Jacob 
 Faithful to put us on board, for if they see the bags 
 they'll think it's a case of necessity, and ask double ; 
 whereas I'll pretend I'm just going a-pleasuring, and 
 when I've made a bargain, I'll whistle, and you can 
 come.' Away he rolled, and after the lapse of a few 
 minutes, I heard a sort of shilling-gallery cat-call, 
 and obeying the summons, found he had concluded 
 a bargain for one and sixpence. We reached St. 
 Katherine's Docks just as the Heme Bay boat — the 
 Hero — moored alongside, consequently were nearly 
 the first on board. 
 
 Heme Bay being then quite in its infancy, and this 
 being what the cits call a ' week-day,' they had rather 
 a shy cargo, nor had they any of that cockney tom- 
 foolery that generally characterizes a Ramsgate or 
 Margate crew, more particularly a Margate one. In- 
 deed, it was a very slow cargo, Jorrocks being the only 
 character on board, and he was as sulky as a bear with 
 a sore head when anyone approached. The day was 
 beautifully fine, and a thin gray mist gradually dis- 
 appeared from the Kentish hills as we passed down 
 the Thames. The river was gay enough. Adelaide, 
 Queen of Great Britain and Ireland, was expected on her 
 return from Germany, and all the vessels hung out their 
 best and gayest flags and colours^to do her honour. The 
 towns of Greenwich and Woolwich were in commotion, 
 charity-schools were marching, and soldiers were doing 
 the like, while steamboats went puffing down the river 
 with cargoes to meet and escort her Majesty. When 
 we got near Tilbury Fort, a man at the head of the 
 steamer announced that we should meet the Queen in
 
 276 THE DAY AFTER THE FEAST: 
 
 ten minutes, and all the passengers crowded unto the 
 paddle-box of the side on which she was to pass, to 
 view and greet her. Jorrocks even roused himself up 
 and joined the throng. Presently a crowd of steamers 
 were seen in the distance, proceeding up the river at a 
 rapid pace, with a couple of lofty-masted vessels in 
 tow, the first of which contained the royal cargo. The 
 leading steamboat was the celebrated ' Mag-net ' — con- 
 sidered the fastest boat on the river, and the one in 
 which Jorrocks and myself steamed from Margate, 
 racing against and beating the ' Royal William.' This 
 had the Lord Mayor and Aldermen on board, who 
 had gone down to the extent of the city jurisdiction to 
 meet the Oueen, and have an excuse for a o-ood dinner. 
 The deck presented a gay scene, being covered with a 
 military band, and the gaudy liveried lackeys belonging 
 to the Mansion-house, and sheriffs whose clothes were 
 one continuous mass of gold lace and frippery, shining 
 beautifully brilliant in the mid-day sun. The Royal 
 yacht, with its crimson and gold pennant floating on 
 the breeze, came towering up at a rapid pace, with the 
 Queen sitting under a canopy on deck. As we neared, 
 all hats were off, and three cheers — or at least as many 
 as we could wedge in during the time the cortege took 
 to sweep past us — were given, our band, consisting of 
 three brandy-faced musicians, striking up ' God save 
 the King' — a compliment which Her Majesty acknow- 
 ledged by a little mandarining ; and before the majority 
 of the passengers had recovered from the astonishment 
 produced by meeting a live Queen on the Thames, the 
 whole fleet had shot out of sight. By the time the 
 ripple on the water, raised by their progress, had 
 subsided, we had all relapsed into our former state of 
 apathy and sullenness. A duller or staider set I never 
 saw outside a Quaker's meeting. Still the beggars
 
 AN EPISODE BY THE YORKSHIREMAN. 277 
 
 eat, as when does a Cockney not in the open air ? 
 The stewards of these boats must make a rare thinsf 
 out of their places, for they have plenty of custom at 
 their own prices. In fact, being in a steamboat is a 
 species of personal incarceration, and you have only 
 the option between bringing your own prog, or taking 
 theirs at whatever they choose to charge — unless, in- 
 deed, a person prefers going without any. Jorrocks 
 took nothing. He lay down again after the Queen 
 had passed, and never looked up until we were a mile 
 or two off Heme Bay. 
 
 With the reader's permission, we will suppose that 
 we have just landed, and, bags in hand, ascended the 
 flight of steps that conduct passengers, as it were, from 
 the briny ocean on to the stage of life. 
 
 * My eye,' said Jorrocks, as he reached the top, 'wot 
 a pier, and wot a bit of a place, why, there don't seem 
 to be fifty houses altogether, reckoning the windmill in 
 the centre as one. What's this thing ?' said he to a 
 ticket-porter, pointing to a sort of French diligence- 
 looking concern, which had just been pushed up to the 
 landing end. ' To carry the lumber, sir — live and 
 dead — gentlemen and their bags, as don't like to walk.' 
 ' Do you charge anything for the ride ? ' inquired Jor- 
 rocks, with his customary caution. ' Nothing,' was the 
 answer. 'Then, let's get on the roof,' said J., 'and 
 take it easy, and survey the place as we go along.' 
 So, accordingly, we clambered on to the top of the 
 diligence, ' stmina diligentia', and seated onrselves on a 
 pile of luggage ; being all stowed away, and as many 
 passengers as it would hold put inside, two or three 
 porters proceeded to propel the machine along the 
 railroad on which it runs, ' Now, Mr. Yorkshireman,' 
 said Jorrocks, ' we are in a strange land, and it behoves 
 us to proceed with caution, or we may spend our five
 
 378 THE DAY AFTER THE FEAST: 
 
 pounds seven and sixpence before we know where we 
 
 are. 
 
 Yorkshireman. Seven and ;2z;2^-pence it is, sir. 
 
 Jorrocks. Well, be it so — five pounds seven and 
 ninepence between two, is by no means an impossible 
 sum to spend, and the trick is to make it go as far as 
 we can. Now some men can make one guinea go as far 
 as others can make two, and we will try what we can 
 do. In the first place, you know I makes it a rule 
 never to darken the door of a place wot calls itself 
 an 'otel, for 'otel prices and inn prices are werry 
 different. You young chaps don't consider these things, 
 and as long as you have got a rap in the world you go 
 swaggering about, ordering claret and, wax-lights, 
 and everything wot's expensive, as though you must 
 spend money because you are in an inn. Now, that's 
 all gammon. If a man haven't got money he can't 
 spend it ; and we all know that many poor folks are 
 obliged at times to go to houses of public entertain- 
 ment, and you don't suppose that they pay for fire and 
 wax-lights, private sitting-rooms, and all of them 'ere 
 sort of things. Now, said he — adjusting his hunting 
 telescope and raking the town of Heme Bay, towards 
 which we were gently approaching on our dignified 
 eminence, but as yet he had not got near enough to 
 descry ' what was what' with the naked eye, — I should 
 say yon great staring-looking shop directly opposite us 
 is the cock inn of the place (looks through his glass). 
 I'm right. P-i-e-r, Pier 'Otel I reads upon the top, 
 and that's no shop for my money. Let's see what else 
 we have. There's nothing on the right, I think, but 
 here on the left is something like our cut — D-o-1 dol- 
 p-h-i-n phin. Dolphin Inn. It's long since I went the 
 circuit, as the commercial gentlemen (or what were 
 called bagmen in my days) term it, but I haven't forgot
 
 AN EPISODE BY THE YORKSHIREMAN. 279 
 
 the experience I gained in my travels, and I whiles 
 turn it to werry good account now. 
 
 ' Coach to Canterbury, Deal, Margate, sir, goino- 
 directly,' interrupted him, and reminded us that we 
 had got to the end of the pier, and ought to be descend- 
 ing. Two or three coaches were drawn up, waiting 
 to carry passengers on, but we had got to our journey's 
 end. * Now,' said J., 'let's take our bags in hand and 
 draw up wind, trying the Dolphin first.' 
 
 Rejecting the noble portals of the Pier Hotel, we 
 advanced towards Jorrocks's chosen house, a plain 
 unpretending-looking place facing the sea, which is 
 half the battle, and being but just finished had every 
 chance of cleanliness. * Jonathan Acres ' appeared 
 above the door as the name of the landlord, and a 
 little square-built, hatless, short-haired chap, in a 
 shooting jacket, was leaning against the door. * Mr. 
 Hacres within ? ' said Jorrocks. * My name's Acres,' 
 said he of the shooting jacket. * Humph,' said J., 
 looking him over, * not Long Acre, I think.' Having 
 selected a couple of good airy bedrooms, we pro- 
 ceeded to see about dinner. * Mr. Hacres,' said Jor- 
 rocks, ' I makes it a rule never to pay more than two 
 and sixpence for a feed, so now just give us as good 
 a one as you possibly can for that money :' and about 
 seven o'clock we sat down to lamb chops, ducks, 
 French beans, pudding, &c. ; shortly after which Jor- 
 rocks retired to rest, to sleep off the remainder of his 
 headache. He was up long before me the next morn- 
 ing, and had a dip in the sea before I came down. 
 ' Upon my word,' said he, as I entered the room, and 
 found him looking as lively and fresh as a four-year- 
 old, ' it's worth while going to the lush-crib occa- 
 sionally, if it's only for the pleasure of feeling so 
 hearty and fresh as one does on the second day. I
 
 28o THE DAY AFTER THE FEAST: 
 
 feel just as if I could jump out of my skin, but I will 
 defer the performance until after breakfast. I've 
 ordered a fork one, do you know, cold 'am and 
 boiled bacon, with no end of eggs, and bread of every 
 description. By the way, I've scraped acquaintance 
 with Thorp, the baker hard by, who's a right good 
 fellow, and says he will give me some shooting, and 
 has some werry nice beagles wot he shoots to. But 
 here's the grub. Cold 'am in abundance. But, 
 waiter, you should put a little green garnishing to the 
 dishes, I likes to see it, green is so werry refreshing to 
 the eye ; and tell Mr. H acres to send up some more 
 bacon and the bill, when I rings the bell. Nothing 
 like having your bill the first morning, and then you 
 know what you've got to pay, and can cut your 
 coat according to your cloth.' The bacon soon disap- 
 peared, and the bell being sounded, produced the 
 order. 
 
 ' Humph,' said J., casting his eyes over the bill as 
 it lay by the side of his plate, while he kept pegging 
 away at the contents of the neighbouring dish — 'pretty 
 reasonable, I think — dinners, five shillings, that's hall 
 a crown each ; beds, two shillings each ; breakfasts 
 one and ninepence each, that's cheap for a fork break- 
 fast ; but / say, you had 2, pint of sherry after I left 
 you last night, and pale sherry too ! How could you 
 be such an eggregorus (egregious) ass ! That's so like 
 you yonng chaps, not to know that the only difference 
 between pale and brown sherry is, that one has more 
 of the /?/;;//aganus aqua in it than the other. You 
 should have made it pale yourself, man. But look 
 there. Wot a go ! ' 
 
 Our attention was attracted to a youth in spectacles, 
 dressed in a rich plum-coloured coat, on the outside of 
 a dingy-looking, big-headed, brown nag, which he was
 
 AN EPISODE BY THE YORKSHIREMAN. 281 
 
 flogging and cramming along the public walk in front 
 of the Dolphin, in the most original and ludicrous 
 manner. We presently recognised him as one of our 
 fellow passengers of the previous day, respecting 
 whom Jorrocks and I had had a dispute as to whether 
 he was a Frenchman or a German. His equestrian 
 performances decided the point. I never in all my 
 life witnessed such an exhibition, nor one in which the 
 performer evinced such self-complacency. Whether 
 he had ever been on horseback before or not I can't 
 tell, but the way in which he went to work, using the 
 bridle as a sort of rattle to frighten the horse forward, 
 the way in which he shook his reins, threw his arms 
 about, and belaboured the poor devil of an animal in 
 order to get him into a canter (the horse of course turn- 
 ing away every time he saw the blow coming), and the 
 free, unrestrained liberty he gave to his head, surpassed 
 everything of the sort I ever saw, and considerably 
 endangered the lives of several of his Majesty's lieges 
 that happened to be passing. Instead of getting out 
 of their way, Frenchman-like, he seemed to think 
 everything should give way to an equestrian; and I 
 saw him scatter a party of ladies like a covey of par- 
 tridges by riding slap amongst them, and not even 
 making the slightest apology or obeisance for the 
 rudeness. There he kept cantering (or cantering as 
 much as he could induce the poor rip to do) from one 
 end of the town to the other, conceiving, I make not 
 the slightest doubt, that he was looked upon with eyes 
 of admiration by the beholders. He soon created no 
 little sensation, and before he was done a crowd had 
 collected near the Pier Hotel, to see him get his horse 
 past (it being a Pier Hotel nag) each time ; and I 
 heard a primitive sort of postman, who was delivering 
 the few letters that arrive in the place, out of a fish-
 
 282 THE DAY AFTER THE FEAST: 
 
 basket, declare ' that he would sooner kill a horse than 
 lend it to such a chap.' Having fretted his hour away, 
 the owner claimed the horse, and Monsieur was dis- 
 mounted. 
 
 After surveying the back of the town, we found our- 
 selves rambling in some beautiful picturesque fields in 
 the rear. Kent is a beautiful county, and the trimly- 
 kept gardens, and the clustering vines twining around 
 the neatly-thatched cottages, remind one of the rich, 
 luxuriant soil and climate of the South. Forgetting 
 that we were in search of sea breezes, we continued to 
 saunter on, across one field, over one stile and then 
 over another, until, after passing by the side of a snug- 
 looking old-fashioned house, with a beautifully kept 
 garden, the road took a sudden turn and brought us to 
 some parkish-looking well-timbered ground in front, at 
 one side of which Jorrocks saw something that he 
 swore was a kennel. 
 
 ' I knows a hawk from a hand-saw,' said he, ' let me 
 alone for that. I'll swear there are hounds in it. Bless 
 your heart, don't I see a gilt fox on one end, and a 
 gilt hare on the other ? ' 
 
 Just then came up a man in a round fustian jacket, 
 to whom Jorrocks addressed himself, and, as good luck 
 would have it, he turned out to be the huntsman (for 
 Jorrocks was right about the kennel), and away we 
 went to look at the hounds. They proved to be Mr. 
 Collard's, the owner of the house that we had just 
 passed, and were really a very nice pack of harriers, 
 consisting of seventeen or eighteen couple, kept in 
 better style (as far as kennel appearance goes) than 
 three-fourths of the harriers in England. Bird, the 
 huntsman, our cicerone, seemed a regular keen one in 
 hunting matters, and Jorrocks and he had a long 
 confab about the ' noble art of hunting,' though the
 
 AN EPISODE BY THE YORKSHIREMAN. 283 
 
 former was rather mortified to find, on announcing 
 himself as the ' celebrated Mr. Jorrocks,' that Bird had 
 never heard of him before. 
 
 After leaving the kennel we struck across a few 
 fields, and soon found ourselves on the sea banks, 
 along which we proceeded at the rate of about two 
 miles an hour, until we came to the old church of 
 Reculvers. Hard by is a public-house, the sign of the 
 ' Two Sisters,' where, having each taken a couple of 
 glasses of ale, we proceeded to enjoy one of the (to me 
 at least) greatest luxuries in life, — viz., that of lying 
 on the shingle of the beach with my heels just at the 
 water's edge. 
 
 The day was intensely hot, and after occupying this 
 position for about half an hour, and finding the 
 ' perpendicular rays of the sun ' rather fiercer than 
 agreeable, we followed the example of a flock of 
 sheep, and availed ourselves of the shade afforded by 
 the Reculvers. Here for a short distance along the 
 beach, on both sides, are small breakwaters, and 
 immediately below the Reculvers is one formed of 
 stake and matting, capable of holding two persons sofa 
 fashion. Into this Jorrocks and I crept, the tide being 
 at that particular point that enabled us to repose, with 
 the water lashing our cradle on both sides, without 
 dashing high enough to wet us. 
 
 ' Oh, but this is fine ! ' said J., dangling his arm over 
 the side, and letting the sea wash against his hand. 
 ' I declare it comes fizzing up just like soda-water out 
 of a bottle — reminds ine of the lush-crib. By the way, 
 Mr. Yorkshireman, I heard some chaps in our inn this 
 morning talking about this werry place, and one of 
 them said that there used to be a Roman station, or 
 something of that sort, at it. Did you know anything 
 of them 'ere ancient Romans ? Luxtcrous dogs, I
 
 284 '^^^ DAY AFTER THE FEAST: 
 
 understand. If Mr. Nimrod was here now he could 
 tell us all about them, for, if I mistake not, he was 
 werry intimate with some of them — either he or his 
 father, at least.' 
 
 A boat that had been gradually advancing towards 
 us now ran on shore, close by where we were lying, 
 and one of the crew landed with a jug to get some 
 beer. A large basket at the end attracted Jorrocks's 
 attention, and, dog-like, he got up and began to hover 
 about and inquire about their destination of the re- 
 maining crew, four in number. They were a cockney 
 party of pleasure, it seemed, going to hsh, for which 
 purpose they had hired the boat, and laid in no end of 
 bait for the fish, and prog for themselves. Jorrocks, 
 though no great fisherman (not having, as he says, 
 patience enough), is never at a loss if there is plenty 
 of eating ; and finding that they had got a great 
 chicken pie, two tongues, and a tart, agreed to pay for 
 the boat if they would let us in upon equal terms with 
 themselves as to the provender, which was agreed 
 to without a debate. The messenger having returned 
 with a gallon of ale, we embarked, and away we glided 
 through the ' glad waters of the dark blue sea.' It was 
 beautifully calm, scarcely a breeze appearing on the sur- 
 face. After rowing for about an hour, one of the boat- 
 men began to adjust the lines and bait the hooks ; and 
 having got into what he esteemed a favourite spot, he 
 cast anchor and prepared for the sport. Each man 
 was prepared with a long, strong, cord line, with a 
 couple of hooks fastened to the ends of about a foot of 
 whalebone, with a small leaden plummet in the centre. 
 The hooks were baited with sand-worms, and the 
 instructions given were, after sounding the depth, to 
 raise the hooks a little from the bottom, so as to let 
 them hang conveniently for the fish to swallow.
 
 AN EPISODE BY THE YORKSHIREMAN. 285 
 
 Great was the excitement, as we dropped the Hnes 
 overboard, as to who should catch the first whale. 
 Jorrocks and myself having taken the fishermen's lines 
 from them, we all met upon pretty equal terms, much 
 like gentlemen jockeys in a race. A dead silence 
 ensued. ' I have one ! ' cried the youngest of our new 
 friends. ' Then pull him up,' responded one of the 
 boatmen, 'gently, or you'll lose him.' ' And so I have, 
 — by God! he's gone.' 'Well, never mind,' said the 
 boatman, ' let's see your bait^ — aye, he's got that too. 
 We'll put some fresh on, — there you are again, — all 
 right. Now drop it gently, and when you find you've 
 hooked him, wind the line quickly, but quietly, and be 
 sure you don't jerk the hook out of his mouth at 
 starting,' 'I've got one!' cries Jorrocks, — 'I've got 
 one — now, my wig, if I can but land him. I have 
 him, certainly — by Jove, he's a wopper, too, judging 
 by the way he kicks. Oh, but it's no use, sir — come 
 along — come along — here he is— doublets, by crikey — 
 two, huzza ! huzza ! What fine ones ! — young haddocks 
 or codlings, I should call them — werry nice eating, I 
 dare say — I'm blow'd if this arn't sport' ' I have 
 one,' cries our young friend again. ' So have I,' 
 shouts another: and just at the same moment I felt the 
 magic touch of my bait, and in an instant I felt the 
 thrilling stroke. The fish were absolutely voracious, 
 and we had nothinsf short of a miraculous drauQ-ht. 
 As fast as we could bait they swallowed, and we 
 frequently pulled them up two at a time. Jorrocks 
 was in ecstasies. ' It was the finest sport he had ever 
 encountered,' and he kept halloaing and shouting 
 every time he pulled them up, as though he were out 
 with the Surrey. Having just hooked a second 
 couple, he baited again and dropped his line. Two of 
 our new friends had hooked fish at the same instant.
 
 286 THE DAY AFTER THE FEAST: 
 
 and. in their eagerness to take them, over-balanced the 
 boat, and Jorrocks, who was leaning over, went head 
 foremost down into the deeps ! 
 
 A terrible surprise came over us, and for a second 
 or two we were so perfectly thunderstruck as to be 
 incapable of rendering any assistance. A great splash, 
 followed by a slight gurgling sound, as the water 
 bubbled and subsided o'er the place where he went 
 down, was all that denoted the exit of our friend. 
 After a considerable dive he rose to the surface, minus 
 his hat and wig, but speedily disappeared. The 
 anchor was weighed, oars put out, and the boat rowed 
 to the spot where he last appeared. He rose a third 
 time, but out of arms' reach, apparently lifeless, and 
 just as he was sinking, most probably for ever, one of 
 the men contrived to slip the end of an oar under his 
 arm, and support him on the water until he got within 
 reach from the boat. 
 
 The consternation when we got him on board was 
 tremendous ! Consisting, as we did, of two parties, 
 neither knowing where the other had come from, we 
 remained in a state of stupefied horror, indecision, and 
 amazement for some rninutes. The poor old man lay 
 extended in the bottom of the boat, apparently lifeless, 
 and even if the vital spark had not fled, there seemed 
 no chance of reaching Heme Bay, whose pier, just 
 then gilded by the rich golden rays of the setting sun, 
 appeared in the far distance of the horizon. Where 
 to row to was the question. No habitation where 
 effective succour could be procured appeared on the 
 shore, and to proceed without a certain destination was 
 fruitless. How helpless such a period as this makes 
 a man feel ! ' Let's make for Grace's,' at length 
 exclaimed one of the boatmen, and the other catching
 
 AN EPISODE BY THE YORKSHIREMAN. 287 
 
 at the proposition, the head of the boat was whipped 
 round in an instant, and away we sped through the 
 glassy-surfaced water. Not a word broke upon the 
 sound of the splashing oars until, nearing the shore, 
 one of the men, looking round, directed us to steer a 
 little to the right, in the direction of a sort of dell or 
 land-break, peculiar to the Isle of Thanet ; and pre- 
 sently we ran the head of the boat upon the shingle, 
 just where a small rivulet, that, descending from the 
 higher grounds, waters the thickly wooded ravine, 
 discharges itself into the sea. The entrance of this 
 dell is formed by a lofty precipitous rock, with a few 
 stunted over-hanging trees on one side, while the other 
 is more open and softened in its aspect, and though 
 steep and narrow at the mouth, gently slopes away 
 into a brush-wood covered bank, which, stretching up 
 the little valley, becomes lost in a forest of lofty oaks 
 that close the inland prospect of the place. Here, to 
 the left, just after one gets clear of the steeper part, 
 commanding a view of the sea, and yet almost con- 
 cealed from the eye of a careless traveller, was a lonely 
 hut (the back wall formed by an excavation of the 
 sandy rock, and the rest of clay, supporting a wooden 
 roof, made of the hull of a cast-away wreck), the abode 
 of an old woman, called Grace Ganderne, well known 
 throughout the whole Isle of Thanet as a poor, harmless, 
 secluded widow, who subsisted partly on the charity of 
 her neighbours, and partly on what she could glean 
 from the smugglers, for the assistance she affords them 
 in running their goods on that coast ; and though she 
 had been at work for forty years, she had never had 
 the misfortune to be detected in the act, notwith- 
 standing the many puncheons of spirits and many 
 bales of goods fished out of the dark woods near her 
 domicile.
 
 288 THE DAY AFTER THE FEAST: 
 
 To this spot it was, just as the ' setting sun's pathetic 
 Hght ' had been succeeded by the gray twihght of the 
 evening, that we bore the body of our unfortunate 
 companion. The door was closed, but Grace being 
 accustomed to nocturnal visitors, speedily answered 
 the first summons and presented herself. She was 
 evidently of immense age, being nearly bowed double, 
 and her figure, with her silvery hair, confined by a 
 blue checked cotton handkerchief, and palsied hand, as 
 tremblingly she rested upon her staff and eyed the 
 group, would have made a subject worthy of the 
 pencil of a Landseer. She was wrapped in an old red 
 cloak, with a large hood, and in her ears she wore a 
 pair of long gold-dropped ear-rings, similar to what 
 one sees among the Norman pea,santry, — the gift, as 
 I afterwards learned, of a drowned lover. After 
 scrutinizing us for a second or two, during which time 
 a large black cat kept walking to and fro, purring and 
 rubbing itself against her, she held back the door and 
 beckoned us to enter. The little place was cleanly 
 swept up, and a faggot and some dry brushwood, 
 which she had just lighted for the purpose of boiling 
 her kettle, threw a gleam of light over the apartment, 
 alike her bedchamber, parlour, and kitchen. Her 
 curtainless bed at the side, covered with a coarse 
 brown counterpane, was speedily prepared for our 
 friend, into which being laid, our new acquaintances 
 were dispatched in search of doctors, while the 
 boatmen and myself, under the direction of old Grace, 
 applied ourselves to procuring such restoratives as her 
 humble dwelling afforded. 
 
 ' Let Grace alone,' said the younger of the boatmen, 
 seeing my affliction at the lamentable catastrophe, ' if 
 there be but a spark of life left in the gentleman, she'll 
 bring him round, — many's the drowning man — aye.
 
 AN EPISODE BY THE YORKSHIREMAN. 289 
 
 and wounded one, too — that's been brought in here 
 during the stormy nights, and after fights with the 
 coast-guard — that she's recovered.' 
 
 Hot bottles, and hot flannels, and hot bricks were 
 all applied, but in vain ; and when I saw hot brandy, 
 too, fail of having the desired effect, I gave my friend 
 up as lost, and left the hut, to vent my grief in the 
 open air. Grace was more sanguine and persevering, 
 and when I returned, after half an hour's absence, I 
 could distinctly feel a returning pulse. Still, he o-ave 
 no symptoms of animation, and it might only be the 
 effect produced by the applications, — as he remained 
 in the same state for several hours. Fresh wood was 
 added to the fire, and the boatmen having returned to 
 their vessel, Grace and I proceeded to keep watch 
 during the night, or until the arrival of a doctor. The 
 poor old body, to whom scenes such as this were 
 matter of frequent occurrence, seemed to think nothing 
 of it, and proceeded to relate some of the wonderful 
 escapes and recoveries she had witnessed, in the 
 course of which she dropped many a sigh to the 
 memory of some of her friends — the bold smugglers. 
 There were no such ' braw lads ' now as formerly, she 
 said, and were it not that ' she was past eighty, and 
 might as weel die in one place as anither, she wad gan 
 back to the bonny blue hulls (hills) of her ain canny 
 Scotland.' 
 
 In the middle of one of her long stories I thought I 
 perceived a movement of the bedclothes, and, going to 
 look, I found a considerable increase in the quickness 
 of pulsation, and also a generous sort of glow upon the 
 skin. * An' ded I no tell ye I wad recover him,' said 
 she, with a triumphant look ; ' afore twa mair hours are 
 o'er he'll spak to ye.' 'I hope so, I'm sure' said I, still 
 almost doubting her. * Oh, trust to me,' said she; ' he'll 
 
 u
 
 290 THE DAY AFTER THE FEAST: 
 
 come about — I've seen mony a chiel in a mickle worse 
 state nor him recovered. Pray, is the ould gintilman 
 your father or your grandfather ? ' 
 
 YorksJiireman. Why, I can't say that he's either 
 exactly — but he's always been as good as a grand- 
 mother to me, I know. 
 
 Grace was right. About three o'clock in the morn- 
 ing a sort of revulsion of nature took place, and after 
 having lain insensible, and, to all appearance, lifeless, 
 all that time, he suddenly began to move. Casting his 
 eye wildly around, he seemed lost in amazement. He 
 muttered something, but what it was I could not catch. 
 
 ' Lush-crib again, by Jove ' were the first words he 
 articulated, and then, appearing to recollect himself, 
 he added, ' Oh, I forgot, I'm drown'd — well drowned, 
 too — can't be help'd, however — wasn't born to be 
 hanged — and that seems clear.' Thus he kept mut- 
 tering and mumbling for an hour, until old Grace, 
 thinking him so far recovered as to remove all danger 
 from sudden surprise, allowed me to take her seat at 
 the bedside. He looked at me long and intensely, 
 but the light was not sufficiently strong to enable him 
 to make out who I was. 
 
 'Jorrocks,' at length said I, taking him by the 
 hand, ' how are you, old boy ? ' He started at the 
 sound of his name. ' Jorrocks,' said he ; ' who's that V 
 'Why, the Yorkshireman ; you surely have not for- 
 gotten your old friend and companion in a hundred 
 fights.' 
 
 Jorrocks. Oh, Mr. York, it's you, is it ? Much 
 obliged by your inquiries, but Fm drowned. 
 
 Yorkshireman. Aye, but you are coming round ; 
 you'll be better before long. 
 
 Jorrocks. Never ! Don't try to gammon me. You 
 know as well as I do that I'm drowned, and a drowned
 
 AN EPISODE BY THE YORKSHIREMAN. 291 
 
 man never recovers. No, no ; it's all up with me, I feel. 
 Sit down, however, while I say a few words to you. 
 You're a good fellow, and I've remembered you in my 
 will, which you'll find in the strong port-wine-bin, 
 along with nine pounds secret service money. I hopes 
 you'll think the legacy a fat one. I meant it as such. 
 If you marry Belinda, I have left you a third of my 
 fourth in the tea-trade. Always said you were cut out 
 for a grocer. Let Tat sell my stud. An excellent man, 
 Tat — proudish perhaps — at least, he never inwites me 
 to none of his dinners — but still a werry good man. 
 Let him sell them, I say, and mind give Snapdragon a 
 charge or two of shot before he goes to the hammer, 
 to prevent his roaring. Put up a plain monument 
 to my memory — black or white marble, whichever's 
 cheapest — but mind, no cupids or seraphums, or none 
 of those sort of things — quite plain — with just this 
 upon it — Hie jacet yorrocks. And now I'll give you a 
 bit of news. Neptune has appointed me huntsman 
 to his pack of haddocks. Have two dolphins for my 
 own riding, and a young lobster to look after them^ 
 Lord Farebrother whips in to me — he rides a turtle 
 ' And now, my good friend,' said he, grasping my 
 hands with redoubled energy, ' do you think you could 
 accomplish me a rumpsteak and oyster-sauce ? — also 
 a pot of stout ? — but, mind, blow the froth off the top, 
 for it's bad for the kidneys ! ' 
 
 THE END. 
 
 Printed by J. Ogden and Co., 172, St. John Street, E.G.
 
 Recently Published. 
 
 A New Edition, price 2iJ.,with the Eighteen Original Coloured 
 Illustrations by Alken and Rawlins, of 
 
 THE LIFE & DEATH OF JOHN MYTTON 
 
 Esq., of Halston. By NiMROD. 
 
 ANALYSIS OF THE HUNTING FIELD. 
 
 By the Author of "Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities." Containing 
 Seven Coloured Illustrations by H. Alkex, and Forty-three Wood- 
 cuts, price i8s. 
 
 A New Edition, just ready. One Volume, royal 8vo, of 
 
 NIMROD'S LIFE OF A SPORTSMAN. Con- 
 
 taining the Thirt)'-six Original Coloured Illustrations by Hexry 
 Alken, and two additional ones not given in the former edition. 
 
 In Three Royal 8vo Volumes, cloth extra, price ;^i iij-. 6d. 
 
 DR. SYNTAX'S THREE TOURS: In Search of 
 
 the Picturesque, in Search of Consolation, and in Search of a Wife. 
 In Hudibrastic Verse by W. Combe. Illustrated with Eighty-one 
 Coloured Engravings by Rowlandson. 
 
 London : G. Routledge & Sons, and L. C. Gent. 
 
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