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 SAN DIEGO 
 
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 2.30G 
 
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 NOTICES OF AN INDEPENDENT PRESS. 
 
 [ I HAVE observed, reader, (bene- or male-volent, as it may hap- 
 pen,) that it is customary to append to the second editions of 
 books, and to the second works of authors, short sentences com- 
 mendatory of the first, under the title of Notices of the Press. 
 These, I have been given to understand, are procurable at certain 
 established rates, payment being made either in money or adver- 
 tising patronage by the publisher, or by an adequate outlay of 
 servility on the part of the author. Considering these things 
 with myself, and also that such notices are neither intended, nor 
 generally believed, to convey any real opinions, being a purely 
 ceremonial accompaniment of literature, and resembling certifi- 
 cates to the virtues of various morbiferal panaceas, I conceived 
 that it would be not only more economical to prepai'e a sufficient 
 number of such n^yself, but also more immediately subservient to 
 the end in view to prefix them to this our primaiy edition rather 
 than await the contingency of a second, when they would seem to 
 be of small utility. To delay attaching the bobs until the second 
 attempt at flying the kite would indicate but a slender experience 
 in that useful art. Neither has it escaped my notice, nor failed to 
 aflFord me matter of reflection, that, when a circus or a caravan is
 
 abont to visit Jaalam, the initial step is to send forward large and 
 highly ornamented bills of performance to be hung in the bar-room 
 and the post-office. These having been sufficiently gazed at, and 
 beginning to lose their attractiveness except for the flies, and, truly, 
 the boys also, (in whom I find it impossible to repress, even during 
 Bchool-hours, certain oral and telegraphic correspondences con- 
 cerning the expected show,) upon some fine morning the band en- 
 ters in a gaily-painted wagon, or triumphal chariot, and with noisy 
 advertisement, by means of brass, wood, and sheepskin, makes the 
 circuit of our startled village-streets. Then, as the exciting sounds 
 draw nearer and nearer, do I desiderate those eyes of Aristarchus, 
 " whose looks were as a breeching to a boy." Then do I perceive, 
 •with vain regret of wasted opportunities, the advantage of a pan- 
 cratic or pantechnic education, since he is most reverenced by my 
 little subjects who can throw the cleanest summerset or walk most 
 securely upon the revolving cask. The story of the Pied Piper 
 becomes for the first time credible to me, (albeit confirmed by the 
 Hameliners dating their legal instruments from the period of his 
 exit,) as I behold how those strains, without pretence of magical 
 potency, bewitch the pupillary legs, nor leave to the pedagogic an 
 entire self-control. For these reasons, lest my kingly prerogative 
 should suffer diminution, I prorogue my restless commons, whom 
 I also follow into the street, chiefly lest some mischief may chance 
 befall them. After the manner of such a band, I send forward 
 the following notices of domestic manufacture, to make brazen 
 proclama'^ion, not unconscious of the advantage which will accrue, 
 if our little craft, cymhula sutiJis, sliall seem to leave port with 
 a clipping breeze, and to carry, in nautical phrase, a bone in her 
 mouth. Nevertheless, I have chosen, as being more equitable, to 
 prepare some also sufficiently objurgatory, that readers of* every
 
 taste may find a dish to their palate. I have modelled them upon 
 actually existing specimens, preserved in my own cabinet of 
 natural curiosities. One, in particular, I had copied with tolerable 
 exactness from a notice of one of my own discourses, which, from 
 its superior tone and appearance of vast experience, I concluded 
 to have been written by a man at least three hundred years of age, 
 though I recollected no existing instance of such antediluvian 
 longevity. Nevertheless, I afterwards discovered the author to be 
 a young gentleman preparing for the ministiy under the direction 
 of one of my brethren in a neighbouring town, and whom I had 
 once instinctively corrected in a Latin quantity. But this I have 
 been forced to omit, from its too great length. — H. W.] 
 
 From the Universal Littery Universe. 
 
 Full of passages which rivet the attention of the reader Under a 
 
 rustic sarb, sentiments are conveyed which should be commilted to the memory 
 
 and engraven on llie heart of every moral and social being We consider 
 
 this a unique performance We hope to see it soon introduced into our 
 
 common scliools Mr. Wilbur has performed his duties as editor with ex- 
 cellent taste and judgment This is a vein which we hope to see success- 
 fully prosecuted We hail the appearance of this worii as a long stride 
 
 toward the formation of a purely aboriginal, indigenous, native, and American 
 literature. We rejoice to meet with an author national enough to brealt away 
 from tlie slavish deference, too common among us, to English grammar and or- 
 thography Where all is so good, we are at a loss how to malie extracts. 
 
 On the whole, we may call it a volume which no library, pretending to 
 
 entire completeness, should fail to place upon its shelves. 
 
 From the Higginbottomopolis Snapping-turtle. 
 
 A collection of the merest balderdash and doggerel that it was ever our bad 
 fortune to lay eyes on. Tlie author is a vulgar buffoim. and the editor a talka- 
 tive, tedious old fool. We use strong language, but should any of our readers
 
 peruse the book, (from which calamity Heaven preserve them ! ) they vf'i'X find 
 reasons for it thick as the leaves of Valluinhrozer, or, to use a still more ex- 
 pressive comparison, as the combined heads of author and editor. The work is 
 
 wretchedly got up We should like to know how niucii Britinh gold was 
 
 pocketed by this libeller of our country and her purest patriots. 
 
 From the Old/ogrumoille Mentor. 
 
 "We have not had time to do more than glance through this handsomely 
 printed volume, but the name of its respectalile editor, the Kev. Mr. Wilbur, 
 
 of Jaalam, will afford a sufficient guaranty for the worth of its contents 
 
 The paper is white, the type clear, and the volume of a convenient and attract- 
 ive size In reading this elegantly executed work, it has seemed to us that 
 
 a passage or two might have been retrenched with advantage, and that the 
 
 general style of diction was susceptible of a higher polish On the whole, 
 
 we may safely leave the ungrateful task of criticism to the reader. We will 
 barely suggest, that in volumes intended, as this is, for the illustration of a pro- 
 vincial dialect and turns of expression, a dash of humor or satire might be 
 
 thrown in with advantage The work is admirably got up This 
 
 work will form an appropriate ornament to the centre-table. It is beautifully 
 printed, on paper of an excellent quality. 
 
 From the Dekay Bulwark. 
 
 We should he wanting in our duty as the conductor of that tremendous engine, 
 a public press, as an American, and as a man, did we allow such an opportunity 
 as is presented to us by " The Biglow Papers " to pass by without entering our 
 earnest protest against such attempts (now, alas ! too common) at demoralizing 
 the public sentiment. Under a wretched mask of stupid drollery, slavery, war, 
 the social glass, and, in short, all the valualile and time-honored institutions 
 justly dear to our common humanity and especially to republicans, are made the 
 butt of coar.-3e and senseless ribaldry by this low-niiiuied scribbler. It is time that 
 the respectable and religious portion of our community should be aroused to the 
 alarming inroads of foreign Jacobinism, sansculottism, and infidelity. It is a 
 fearful proof of the wide-spread nature of this contagion, that these secret stabs 
 at religion and virtue are given from under the cloak (credile, posleri!) of 
 a clergyman. It is a mournful spectacle indeed to the patriot and Christian 
 to see liberality and new ideas (falsely so called, — they are as old as Eden) in- 
 vading the sacred precincts of the pulpit On the whole, "we consider this 
 
 volume as one of the first shocking results which we predicted would spring out 
 of the late French " Revolution " (!).
 
 From the Bungtoim Copper and Comprehensive, Tocsin (a tryieeakly family 
 
 journal). 
 
 Altoircther an admiraWe work Full of humor, boisterous, but delicate, — 
 
 of wil withering arul scorching, yet combined with a pathos cool as morning dew, 
 — of satire ponderous as the mace of Richard, yet keen as the scymitar of Sala- 
 
 din A work full of " mountain-mirth," mischievous as Puck and lightsome 
 
 as Ariel We know not whether to admire most the genial, fresh, and dis- 
 cursive concinnity of the author, or his playful fancy, weird imagination, and 
 
 compass of style, at once both objective and subjective We miglil indulge 
 
 In some criticisms, but, were the author other than he is, he would be a differ- 
 ent being. As it is, he has a wonderful pose, which flits from flower to flower, 
 and bears the reader irresistibly along on its eagle pinions (like Ganymede) to 
 
 the "highest heaven of invention." We love a book so purely objective. 
 
 Blany of his pictures of natural scenery have an extraonlinary subjective 
 
 clearness and fidelity In fine, we consider this as one of the most extraor- 
 dinary volumes of this or any age. We know of no English author who could 
 have written it. It is a work to which the proud genius of our country, stand- 
 ing with one foot on the Aroostook and the other on the Rio Grande, and hold- 
 ing up the star-spangled banner amid the wreck of matter and tlie crush of 
 worlds, may point with bewildering scorn of the punier efforts of ensiaveil Eu- 
 rope We hope soon to encounter our author among those higher walks 
 
 of literature in which he is evidently capable of achieving enduring fame. Al- 
 ready we should be inclined to assign him a high position in the bright galaxy 
 of our American bards. 
 
 From the Sallriver Pilot and Flag of Freedom. 
 
 A volume in bad grammar and worse taste While the pieces here col- 
 lected were confined to their appropriate sphere in the corners of obscure news- 
 papers, we considered them wholly beneath contempt, but, as the author has 
 chosen to come forw.ird in this puljlic manner, he must exjiect the lash he so 
 
 richly merits Contemptible slanders Vilest Billingsgate H;ia 
 
 raked all the gutters of our language The most pure, upright, and con- 
 sistent politicians not safe from his malignant venom General Gushing 
 
 comes in for a share of his vile calumnies The Reverend Homer Wilbur 
 
 is a disgrace to his cloth 
 
 From the World-Harmonic-jEolian-Attachment. 
 
 Speech is silver: silence is golden. No utterance more Orphic than this 
 While, therefore, as highest author, we reverence him whose works continue
 
 heroically unwritten, we have also our hopeful word for those who with pen 
 (from wing of goose lou(l-cacl<liii2. or seraph Goil-conuriissioneil) record the 
 
 thing thai is revealed Under mask of (luainlesl irony, we detect liere tlia 
 
 deep, storm-tost (nigh shipwracke<l) soul, thunder-scarred, semiariiculate, but 
 
 evercliml)ing hopefully toward the peaceful summits of an Infinite Sorrow 
 
 Yes. thou poor, forlorn Hosea, with Hel)rew fire-flaming soul in thee, for thee 
 also this life of ours has not ijeen without its aspects of heavenliest pily and 
 laughingest mirth. Conceivable enough ! Through coarse Thersites-cliiak. we 
 have revelation of the heart, wild-glowing, world -clasping, that is in hinm. 
 Bravely he grapples with tlie life-problem as it presents itself to him, uncombed, 
 shaggy, carele.'is of the " nicer proprieties," inexpert of "elegant diction," yet 
 with voice audible enough to whoso hath ears, up there on the gravelly side- 
 hills, or down on the splashy, Indiarubber-like salt-marshes of native Jaalam. 
 To this soul also the Necessity of Creii/ing somewhat has unveiled its awful 
 front. If not CEilipuses and Electras and Alceslises, then in God's name 
 Birdofredum Sawins ! Tliese also shall getborn into the world, and filch (if so 
 need) a Zingali subsistence therein, these lank, omnivorous Yankees of his. 
 He shall paint the Seen, since the Unseen will not sit to him. Yet in him also 
 are Nibelungen-lays, and Iliads, and Ulysses-wanderings, and Divine Comedies, 
 — if only once he could come at them ! Therein lies much, nay all ; for what 
 
 truly is this which we name Afi, but that which we do not possess? 
 
 Glimpses also are given us of an old father Ezekiel, not without paternal pride, 
 as is the wont of such. A brown, parchmenl-hideil old irian of the geoponic or 
 bucolic species, gray-eyed, we fancy, queued perhaps, with much weather- 
 cunning and plentifid September-gale memories, bidding fair in good time to 
 become the Oldest Inhabitant. After such hasty apparition, he vanishes and isi 
 
 Been no more Of "Rev. Homer Wilbur, A. M., P.istor of the First 
 
 Church in Jaalam," we have small care to speak here. Spare touch in him of 
 his Melesigenes namesake, save, haply, the — blindne.ss ! A tolerably caliginose, 
 nephelegeretous elderly gentleman, with infinite faculty of sermonizing, muscu- 
 larized by long practice, and e.vcellent digestive apparatus, and, for the rest, 
 well-meaning enough, and with small private illuminations (somewhat tallowy, 
 it is to be feared) of his own. To him, there, " Pastor of the First Church in 
 Jaalam," our Hosea presents himself as a quite inexplicable Sphinx-riddle. A 
 rich poverty of Latin and Greek, — so far is clear enough, even to eyes peering 
 myopic through horn-len^ied editorial spectacles, — biu naught farther? O pur- 
 blind, well-meaning, altogether fuscous Melesigenes-Wilbur, there are things in 
 him incommunicable by stroke of birch ! Did it ever enter that old bewildered 
 head of thine that there was the Possibility of the Tnfnile in him? To thee, 
 quite wingless (and even fealherless) biped, has not so much even as a dream 
 of wings ever come ? " Talented young parishioner " ? Among the Arts where- 
 of thou art Magister, does that of seeing happen to be one ? Unhappy Artium 
 Magialerl Somehow a Nemean lion, fulvous, torrid-eyed, dry-nursed in broad-
 
 howling sand-wildernesses of a sufficiently rare spirit-Libya (it may be sup- 
 posed) has got whelped among the sheep. Already he stands wild-glaring, with 
 feet clulchiog the ground as with oak-roots, gathering for a Remus-spriag over 
 the walls of thy Uttle fold. In Heaven's name, go not near him with that fly- 
 bite crook of thine ! In good time, thou painful preacher, thou wilt go to the 
 appointed place of departed Artillery-Election Sermons, Right-Hands of Fellow- 
 ship, and Results of Councils, gathered to thy spiritual fathers with much 
 Latin of the Epitaphial sort ; thou, too, shalt have thy reward ; but on him the 
 Eumenides have looked, not Xanlippes of the pit, snake-tressed, finger-threat- 
 ening, but radiantly calm as on antique gems; for him paws impatient ths 
 winged courser of the gods, champing unwelcome bit; him the starry deeps, 
 the empyrean glooms, and far-flashing splendors await. 
 
 From the Onion Grove Phanix. 
 
 A talented yoimg townsman of ours, recently returned from a Continental tour, 
 and who is already favorably known to our readers by his sprightly letters from 
 abroad which have graced our columns, called at our office yesterday. Wa 
 learn from him, that, having enjoyed the distinguished privilege, while in Ger- 
 many, of an introduction to the celebrated Von Humbug, he took the opportuni- 
 ty to present that eminent man with a copy of the " Biglow Papers." The ne.xt 
 morning he received the following note, which he has kinilly furnished us for 
 publication. We prefer to print vtrbatim. knowing that our reiiilers will readily 
 forgive the few errors into which the illustrious writer has fallen, through igno- 
 rance of our language. 
 
 "High-Worthy Mister! 
 
 " I sliall also now especially happy starve, because I have more or less a 
 work of one those aboriginal Red-Men seen in which have I so deaf an interest 
 ever taken fuUworthy on the self shelf with our Gottsched tb be upset. 
 
 " Pardon my in the English-speech unpractice ! 
 
 "Von Humbug." 
 
 He also sent with the above note a copy of his famous work on " Cosmetics," 
 to be presented to Mr. Biglow ; but this was taken from our friend by the 
 English custom-house officers, probably through a petty national spite. No 
 doubt, it has by this time found its way into the British Museum. We tnist 
 this outrage will be exposed in all our American papers. We shall do our bes» 
 to bring it to the notice of the State Department. Our numerous readers will 
 share in the pleasure we experience at seeing our young and vigorous national 
 literature thus encouragingly patted on the head by this venerable and world- 
 "enowned German. We love to see these reciprocations of good- feeling between 
 »he different branches of the great Anglo-Saxon race.
 
 8 
 
 [The following genuine "notice" having met my eye, I gladly 
 insert a portion of it here, the more especially as it contains a 
 portion of one of ]VIr. Biglow's poems not elsewhere printed. 
 — H. W.] 
 
 From the Jaalam Independent Blunderbuss. 
 
 ..... But, while we lament to see our young townsman thus mingling in 
 the heated contests of party politics, we thiiik.we detect in him the presence 
 of talents which, if properly directed, might give an innocent pleasure to many. 
 As a proof that he is competent to the production of other kinds of poetry, we 
 copy for our readers a short fragment of a pastoral by him, the manuscript of 
 which was loaned us by a friend. The title of it is " The Courtin'." 
 
 ZekIjE crep' up, (piite unbeknown, 
 
 An' peeked in thru the winder, 
 An' there sol HuUly all alone, 
 
 'ilh no one nigh to hender. 
 
 Agin' the chimhly crooknecks hung, 
 
 All' in amongst 'em rusted 
 The ole queen's arm thet graii'ther Young 
 
 Fetched back frum Concord busied. 
 
 The wanniit logs shot sparkles out 
 
 Towards ihe pooliest, bless her I 
 An' leelle fires danced all about 
 
 The chiny on the dresser. 
 
 The very room, coz she wuz in, 
 
 Looked warm frimi floor to ceilin', 
 An' she looked full ez rosy agin 
 
 Ez Ih' apples slie wuz peeliii'. 
 
 She heerd a foot an' knowed it, tu, 
 
 Araspiu' on the scraper, — 
 All ways to once her feeiins flew 
 
 Like sparks in burnt-up paper. 
 
 He kin' o' I'itered on Ihe mat. 
 
 Some doiibtfle o' tlie seekle; 
 His bean kep' goin' pitypal, 
 
 But hern went pity Zekle.
 
 Satis miiltis sese emptores futures libri professis, Georgiua 
 Nichols, Cantabrigiensis, opus emittet de parte gravi sed adhuc 
 neglecta historise naturalis, cum titulo sequenti, videlicet : 
 
 Conatiis ad Delineationem naturalem nonnihil perfectiorem Scara- 
 bcei Bombilatorts, vulgo dicti Humbug, ab Houeko Wilbur, Ai-ti- 
 um Magistro, Societatis historico-naturalis Jaalamensis Prseside, 
 (Secretario, Socioque (eheu ! ) singulo,) multaruraque aliarum So- 
 cietatum eruditarum (sive ineruditai-um) tarn domesticarum quam 
 transmarinarum Socio — forsitan future. 
 
 PKOEMIUM. 
 
 Lectori Benevolo S. 
 
 Toga scholastica nondum deposita, quum systemata varia 
 entomologica, a viris ejus scicntise cultoribus studiosissimis 
 summa diligentia sedificata, penitus indagassem, non fuit quin 
 luctuose omnibus in iis, quamvis aliter laude dignissimis, hiatum 
 magni momenti perciperem. Tunc, nescio quo motu sxiperiore 
 impulsus, aut qua captus dulcedine operis, ad cum implendum 
 (Curtius alter) me solemniter devovi. Nqp ab isto labore, 
 8aifiovi(os imposito, abstinui antequam tractatulum sufRcienter 
 inconcinnum lingua vemacula perfeccram. Inde, juveniliter tu- 
 mefactus, et barathro ineptise Ta>v jSt/SXioTrtuXwj/ (necnon " Pub- 
 lici Legentis " ) nusquam explorato, me composuisse quod quasi 
 placentas prsjefervidas (ut sic dicam) homines ingurgitarent ere
 
 10 
 
 didi. Sed, quum huic et alii bibliopolaB MSS. mca snbmi- 
 sissem et nihil solidius responsione valde negativa in Musaium 
 meum retulissem, hoiTor ingens atque misericordia, ob crassi- 
 tudinem Lambeitianam in cerebris homunculorum istius muneris 
 coelesti quadaro ira infixam, me invasere. Extemplo mei solius 
 impensis librum edere decrevi, nihil omnino dubitans qiiin 
 " Mundus Scientificus " (ut aiunt) crumenam meara ampliter 
 repleret. Nullam, attamen, ex agro illo mco parvulo segetem 
 demessui, praeter gaudiuin vacuum bene de Republica merendi. 
 Iste panis meus pretiosus super aquas literarias faeculentas 
 prsefidenter jactus, quasi Haiiiyiarum quanindam (scilicet bibli- 
 opolarum istorum facinorosbrum supradictorum) tactu ranci- 
 du^s, intra perpaucos dies mihi domum rediit. Et, quum ipse 
 tali victu ali non tolerarem, primum in mentem venit pistori 
 (typographo nempe) nihilominus solvendum esse. Animum 
 non idcirco demisi, imo seque ac pueri naviculas suas penes se 
 lino retinent (eo ut e recto cursu delapsas ad ripam retrahant), 
 sic ego Argo meam chartaceam fluctibus laborantem a quae- 
 situ velleris aurei, ipse potius tonsus pelleque exutus, mente 
 solida revocavi. Metaphoram ut mvitem, boomarangnm meam a 
 scopo aberrantem retraxi, dum majore vi, occasione ministrante, 
 adversus Fortunam intorquerem. Ast mihi, talia volvcnti, et, 
 sicut Satumus ille -naiho^opos, liberos intellectus mei depascere 
 fidenti, casus miserandus, nee antea inauditus, supervenit. Nam, 
 nt femnt Scythas pietatis causa et parsimonise, parentes suos 
 mortuos devoriisse, sic filius hie meus primogenitus, Scythis 
 ipsis minus mansuetus, patrem rivum totum et calcitrantem ex- 
 sorbere enixus est. Nee tamen hac do causa sobolem meam 
 esurientem exheredavi. Sed famcm istam pro valido testimonio 
 viiilitatis roborisque potius habui, cibumque ad earn satiandam,
 
 11 
 
 salva patema mea carne, pctii. Et quia hilcm illnm scatnrientem 
 ad ses etiam concoqucndura idoneam esse estimabam, unde aes 
 alienum, ut minoris pretii, haberem, ciroumspexi. Rebtxs ita se 
 habentibus, ab avunculo moo Johanne Doolittle, Armigero, impe- 
 travi ut pecunias necessarias suppeditaret, ne opus essct milii uni- 
 versitatem relinquendi antequam ad gradum primura in artibus 
 pervenissem. Tunc ego, salvum facere patronum meum munifi- 
 cum maxime cupiens, omnes libros primae cditionis operis mei non 
 venditos una cum privilogio in omne ievum ejusdem imprimendi 
 et edendi avTinculo meo dicto pigneravi. Ex illo die, atro lapide 
 notando, curae vociferantes familite singulis annis crescentis eo 
 usque insultabant ut nunquam tam carum pignus e vinculis istis 
 ahcneis solvere possem. 
 
 Avunculo vero nuper mortuo, quum inter alios consanguineos 
 testamenti ejus lectionem audiendi causa advenissem, erectis auri- 
 bus verba talia scquentia accepi : — " Quoniam persuasum habeo 
 meum dilectum ncpotem Ilomenam, longa et intima rerum angus- 
 tamm domi expericntia, aptissimum esse qui divitias tueatur, 
 beneficenterque ac prudenter iis divinis creditis utatur, — ergo, 
 motus hisce cogitationibus, exque amore meo in ilium magno, 
 do, legoque nepoti caro meo supranominato omnes singularesque 
 istas possessiones nee ponderabiles nee computabiles meas quoa 
 sequuntur, scilicet : quingentos libros quos mihi pigneravit dictus 
 Homerus, anno lucis 1792, cum privilegio edendi et repetendi 
 opus istud ' scientificum ' (quod dicunt) suum, si sic elegerit. 
 Tamen D. 0. M. precor oculos Homcri nepotis mei ita aperiat 
 eumque moveat, ut libros istos in bibliotheca unius e plurimis cas- 
 tellis suis Hispaniensibus tuto abscondat." 
 
 His verbis (vix credibilibus) auditis, cor meum in pectore ex- 
 sultavit. Deinde, quoniam tractatus Anglice seriptus spem auc-
 
 12 
 
 tons fefcUerat, quippe quum stndium Historic Naturalis in Re- 
 publica nostra inter factionis strepitum languescat, Latine versura 
 edere statui, et eo potius quia nescio quomodo disciplina a-.ademi- 
 ca et duo diplomata proficiant, nisi quod peritos linguarum om- 
 nino mortuamm (et damnandarum, ut dicebat iste iravovpyos 
 Gulielmus Cobbett) nos faciant. 
 
 Et mibi adhuc superstes est tota ilia editio prima, quam quasi 
 crepitaculum per quod dentes canines dentibam retineo. 
 
 OPERIS SPECIMEN. 
 (,Ad exemplum Johannis Physiophili speciminis Monachologim.) 
 
 12. S. B. MiUtaris, Wilbur. Carnifex, Jablonsk. Pro/anus, Desfont. 
 
 [Male hancce speciem Cyclopem Fabricius vocat, ul qui singulo oculo ad 
 quod sui interest distinsruilur. Melius vero Isaacus Outis nullum inter S. miliu 
 S.que Belzeljul (Fabric. 152) discrimen esse defendit.) 
 
 Habitat civitat. Americ. austral. 
 
 Aureis lineis splendidus ; plerumque tamen sordidus, utpole lanienas valda 
 frequentans, foetore sanguinis allectus. Amat quoque insuper septa apricari, 
 neque inde, nisi maxima conatione, detraditur. Candidatiis ergo populariter 
 vcicatus. Caput cristam quasi pennaruin ostendit. Pro cibo vaccam publicam 
 callide mulget ; abdomen enorme ; facullas suctus baud facile eslimanda. Otio- 
 sus, fatuus ; ferox nihilominus, sempeniue dimicare paratus. Tortuose repit. 
 
 Capita sjepe maxiina cum cura dissecto, ne illud rudimentum etiam cerebri 
 commune omnibus prope insectis detegere poteram. 
 
 Unam de hoc S. milit. rem singularem notavi ; nam S. Guineens. (Fabric. 
 M3) servos facit, et idcirco a rauUis summa in reverentia habitus, quasi scin- 
 tillas rationis paene humanae demonstrans. 
 
 24. S. B. Criticus, Wilbur. Zoilns, Fabric. Pygmmus, Carlsen. 
 
 [Stultissime Johannes Stryx cum S. punctato (Fabric. 64 - 109) confundit 
 Specimina quamplurima scrutationi microscopicae subjeci, nunquam tamen 
 luuun ulla indicia puncti cujusvis prorsus ostendentem inveni.] 
 
 Praecipue fomiidolosus, insectatusqiie, in proxima rima anonyma sese ab 
 ficoiiilil, Joe, we, creberrime stridens. Ineplus, segnipes. 
 
 fiabilat uhiniK- geniiiini : in sicco ; nidiiin suum terehratione indefessa asdifi- 
 tans Cibus. Libros depascit; siccos praecipue seligens, et forte succidum
 
 MaJLa^^jULj ^^y ^^^-^1^-^, 
 
 3IELIB(EUS-HIPP0NAX. 
 
 THE 
 
 
 ^ ^.t-v^v^ /B^^ Lo^^..^( 
 
 EDITED, 
 
 WITH AN INTRODUCTION, NOTES, GLOSSARY, 
 AND COPIOUS INDEX, . 
 
 BY 
 
 HOMER WILBUR, A. M., 
 
 PASTOR OF THE FIRST CHURCH IN JAALAM, AND (PROSPECTIVE) MEMBER OF 
 MANY LITERARY, LEARNED AND SCIENTIFIC SOCIETIES, 
 
 (_/br which see page v.) 
 
 The plouglinian's whistle, or the trivial flute, 
 Finds more respect thaiv great Apollo's lute. 
 
 dtuiiies's Emblems, B. ii. E. 8. 
 
 Margaritas, munde porcine, calc^sli : en, siliqiias accipe. 
 
 Juc. Cut. Fil. ad Pub. Leg. § 1. 
 
 FOUETH EDITION. 
 
 BOSTON: 
 TICK NOR AND FIELDS. 
 
 M D C C C LIX.
 
 Entered accordinj to Act of Congress, in the year 1848, by 
 
 James Russell Lowell, 
 
 in the Clerk's office of the District Court of liie District of Massachusetts.
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS.
 
 NOTE TO TITLE-PAGE. 
 
 It will not have escaped the attentive eye, that I have, on the 
 title-page, omitted those honorary appendages to the editoiial 
 name which not only add greatly to tlie value of every book, but 
 whet and exacerbate the appetite of the reader. For not only 
 does he surmise tliat an honorary membership of literary and 
 scientific societies implies a certain amount of necessary distinc- 
 tion on the part of the recipient of such decorations, but he is wil- 
 ling to tnist himself more entirely to an author who writes under 
 the fearful responsibility of involving the reputation of such bodies 
 as tlie aS. Arclueol. Da/iom., or the Acad. Lit. et Scient. Kamtschat. 
 I cannot but tliink that the early editions of Shakspeare and Mil- 
 ton would have met with more rajjid and general acceptance, but 
 for the baiTcnness of their respective title-pages : and I believe, 
 that, even now, a publisher of the works of either of those justly 
 distinguished men would find his account in procuring their ad- 
 mission to the membership of learned bodies on the Continent, — 
 a proceeding no whit more incongruous than the reversal of the 
 judgment against Socrates, when he was already more than 
 twenty centimes beyond the reach of antidotes, and when his 
 b
 
 VI NOTE TO TITLE-PAGE. 
 
 memory had acquired a deserved respectahility. I conceive that 
 it was a feeling of the importance of this precaution which in- 
 duced Mr. Locke to style himself " Gent." on the title-page of his 
 Essay, as who should say to his readers that they could receive 
 his metaphysics on the honor of a gentleman. 
 
 Nevertheless, finding, that, without descending to a smaller size 
 of type than would have been compatible with the dignity of the 
 several societies to be named, I could not compress my intended 
 list within the limits of a single page, and thinking, moreover, 
 that the act would carry vrith it an air of decorous modest}^, I 
 have chosen to take the reader aside, as it were, into my private 
 closet, and there not only exhibit to him the diplomas which I 
 already possess, but also to furnish him -with a prophetic vision of 
 those which I may, without undue presumption, hope for, as not 
 beyond the reach of human ambition and attainment. And I am 
 the rather induced to this from the fact, that my name has been 
 unaccountably dropped from the last triennial catalogue of our 
 beloved Alma Mater. Whether this is to be attributed to the 
 difficulty of Latinizing any of those honorary adjuncts (with a 
 complete list of wliich I took care to furnish the proper persons 
 nearly a year beforehand), or whether it had its origin in any more 
 culpable motives, I forbear to consider in this place, the matter be- 
 ing in course of painful investigation. But, however this may be, 
 I felt the omission the more keenly, as I had, in expectation of 
 the new catalogue, enriched the library of the Jaalam AtheniEum 
 with the old one then in my possession, by which means it has 
 come about that my children will be deprived of a never-weary- 
 ing winter-evening's' amusement in looking out the name of their 
 parent in that distinguished roll. Those harmless innocents had
 
 NOTE TO TITLE-PAGE. Vll 
 
 at least committed no but I forbciir, having intnisted my 
 
 reflections and animadversions on tliis painful topic to the safe- 
 keeping of my private diary, intended for posthumous publication. 
 I state tliis fact here, in order that certain nameless individuals, 
 who are, perhaps, overmuch congratulating themselves upon my 
 silence, may know that a rod is in jjickle which the vigorous 
 band of a justly incensed posterity will apply to their memories. 
 
 The careful reader will note, that, in the list which I have pre- 
 pared, I have included the names of several Cisatlantic societies 
 to which a place is not commonly assigned in processions of this 
 nature. I have ventured to do this, not only to encourage native 
 ambition and genius, but also because I have never been able to 
 perceive in Mbat way distance (unless we suppose them at the 
 end of a lever) could increase the weight of learned bodies. As 
 far as I have been able to extend my researches among such 
 stuffed specimens as occasionally reach America, I have discovered 
 no generic difference between the antipodal Fogrum Japoniami 
 and the F. Americamnn sufficiently common in our ovra. immedi- 
 ate neighbourhood. Yet, vvith a becoming deference to the popu- 
 lar belief, that distinctions of this sort are enhanced in value by 
 every additional mile they travel, I have intermixed the names 
 of some tolerably distant literary and other associations with 
 tlie rest. 
 
 I add here, al^^o, an advertisement, which, that it may be the 
 more readily understood by those persons especially interested 
 therein, I have wi-itten in that curtailed and otherwise maltreatea 
 canine Latin, to the writing and reading of which they are ac- 
 customed.
 
 Vlll KOTE TO TITLE-PAGE. 
 
 Omnie. pee tot. Orb. Tehrar. Catalog. Academ. Edd. 
 
 Minim, gent, diplom. ab inclytiss. acad. vest, orans, vir. liono- 
 rand. operosiss., at sol. ut sciat. quant, glor. nom. meum fdijjl. fort, 
 concess.) catal. vest. temp, futiir. affer., ill. suhjec., addit. oiiinib. 
 titul. honorar. qu. adli. non tant. opt. quam probab. put. 
 
 *^* Litt. Uncial, distinx. ut Frees. S. Hist. Nat. Jaal. 
 
 HOMERUS WILBUR, IMr., Episc. Jaalam. S. T. D. 18.50, et 
 Yal. 1849, et Neo-Caas. et Brun. et Gulielm. 1852, et Gul. et Mar. 
 et Bowd. et Georgiop. et Viiidimont. et Columb. Nov. Ebor. 
 1853, et Amherst, et AVatervill. et S. Jarlath. Ilib. et S. Mar. et 
 S. Joseph, et S. And. Scot. 1854, et Nashvill. et Dart, et Dickins. 
 et Concord, et Wash, et Columljian. et Chariest, et JefF. et Dubl. 
 et Oxon. et Cantab, et ca;t. 1855, P. U. N. C. H. et J. U. D. 
 Gott. et Osnab. et Heidelb. 1860, et Acad. Bore us. Berolin. Soc. 
 et SS. RH. Lugd Bat. et Patav. et Lond et Edinb. et Ins. Fcejee. 
 et Null. Terr, et Pekin. Soc. Hon. et S. II. S. et S. P. A. et A. A. S. 
 et S. Humb. Univ. et S. Omn. Rer. Quarund. q. Aliar. Promov. 
 Passamaquod. et H. P. C. et I. O. H. et A. A. *. et n. K. P. et 
 $. B. K. et Pcucin. et Erosoph, et Philadelph. et Frat. in Unit, et 
 2. T. et S. Archaeolog. Athen. et Acad. Scicnt. et Lit. Panorm. et 
 SS. R. H. Mati-it. et Bceloochist. et CafTrar. et Caribb. et M. S. 
 Eeg. Paris, et S. Am. Antiserv. Soc. Hon. et P. D. Gott. ct 
 LL. D. 1852, et D. C. L. et Mus. Doc. Oxon. 1860, et M. M. S. S. 
 et M. D. 1854, et Med. Fac. Univ. Harv. Soc. et S. pro Convers. 
 Pollywog. Soc. Hoo. et Higgl. Piggl. et LL. B. 1853, et S. pro 
 Ohristianiz. Moschet. Soc, et SS. Ante-Diluv. ubiq. Gent. Soc. 
 Hon. et Civit. Cleric. Jaalam. ct S. pro DifFus. General. Tenebr. 
 Secret. Corr.
 
 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 "When, more than three years ago, my talented 
 young parishioner, Mr. Biglow, came to me and 
 submitted to my animadversions the first of his 
 poems which he intended to commit to the more 
 hazardous trial of a city newspaper, it never so 
 much as entered my imagination to conceive 
 that his productions would ever be gathered into 
 a fair volume, and ushered into the august pres- 
 ence of the reading public by myself So little 
 are we short-sighted mortals able to predict the 
 event ! I confess that there is to me a quite new 
 satisfaction in being associated (though only as 
 sleeping partner) in a book which can stand by 
 itself in an independent unity on the shelves of
 
 X INTRODUCTION. 
 
 libraries. For there is always this drawback 
 from the pleasure of printing a sermon, that, 
 whereas the queasy stomach of this generation 
 will not bear a discom-se long enough to make a 
 separate volume, those religious and godly-minded 
 children (those Samuels, if I may call them so) 
 of the brain must at first lie buried in an undis- 
 tinguished heap, and then get such resurrection 
 as is vouchsafed to them, mummy-wrapt with a 
 score of others in a cheap binding, with no other 
 mark of distinction than the word " Miscella- 
 neous " printed upon the back. Far be it from 
 me to claim any credit for the quite unexpected 
 popularity which I am pleased to find these 
 bucolic strains have attained unto. If I know 
 myself, I am measurably free from the itch of 
 vanity ; yet I may be allowed to say that I was 
 not backward to recognize in them a certain 
 wild, puckery, acidulous (sometimes even verg- 
 ing toward that point which, in our rustic 
 phrase, is termed shut-eye) flavor, not wliolly
 
 INTRODUCTION. XI 
 
 unpleasiiig, nor unwholesome, to palates cloyed 
 with the sugariness of tamed and cultivated 
 fruit. It may be, also, that some touches of 
 my own, here and there, may have led to their 
 wider acceptance, albeit solely from my larger 
 experience of literature and authorship.* 
 
 I was, at first, inclined to discourage Mr. Big- 
 low's attempts, as knowing that the desire to 
 poetize is one of the diseases naturally incident 
 to adolescence, which, if the fitting remedies be 
 not at once and with a bold hand applied, may 
 become chronic, and render one, who might else 
 have become in due time an ornament of the 
 social circle, a painful object even to nearest 
 friends and relatives. But thinking, on a further 
 experience, that there was a germ of promise in 
 
 * The reader curious in such matters may refer (if he can find 
 them) to "A Sermon -preached on the Anniversary of the Dark 
 Day," " An Ai-tillery Election Sermon," " A Discourse on the Late 
 Eclipse," " Dorcas, a Funeral Sermon on the Death of Madam 
 Submit Tidd, Relict of the late Experience Tidd, Esq,," &c., &c.
 
 XU INTRODUCTION. 
 
 him which required only ciiUure and the pulling 
 up of weeds from around it, I thought it best to 
 set before him the acknowledged examples of 
 English compositions in verse, and leave the rest 
 to natural emulation. With this view, I accord- 
 ingly lent him some volumes of Pope and Gold- 
 smith, to the assiduous study of which he prom- 
 ised to devote his evenings. Not long afterward, 
 he brought me some verses written upon that 
 model, a specimen of which I subjoin, having 
 changed some phrases of less elegancy, and a 
 few rhymes objectionable to the cultivated ear. 
 The poem consisted of childish reminiscences, 
 and the sketches which follow will not seem 
 destitute of truth to those whose fortunate edu- 
 cation began in a country village. And, first, let 
 us hang up his charcoal portrait of the school- 
 dame. 
 
 " Propt on the marsh, a dwelling now, I see 
 The humble school-house of my A, B, C,
 
 INTRODUCTION. XUl 
 
 Wlicrc well-drilled urchins, each behind his tire, 
 Waited in ranks tlie wished command to fire, 
 Then all together, when the signal came. 
 Discharged their a-b ahs against the dame, 
 Who, 'mid the volleyed learning, firm and calm, 
 Patted the furloughed ferule on her palm. 
 And, to our wonder, could detect at once 
 Who flashed the pan, and who was downright dunce. 
 
 There young Devotion learned to climb with ease 
 The gnarly limbs of Scripture family-trees, 
 And he was most commended and admired 
 Who soonest to the topmost twig perspired ; 
 Each name was called as many various ways 
 As pleased the reader's ear on different days, 
 So that the weather, or the ferule's stings, 
 Colds in the head, or fifty other things. 
 Transformed the helpless Hebrew thrice a week 
 To guttural Pequot or resounding Greek, 
 The vibrant accent skipping here and there, 
 Just as it pleased invention or despair ; 
 No controversial Hebraist was the Dame ; 
 With or without the points pleased her the same ; 
 If any tyro found a name too tough. 
 And looked at her, pride furnished skill enough ; 
 She nerved her larynx for the desperate thing, 
 And cleared the five-barred syllables at a spring. 
 
 Ah, dear old times ! there once it was my hap. 
 Perched on a stool, to wear the long-eared cap ;
 
 XIV INTRODUCTION, 
 
 From books dcgrafled, there I sat at ease, 
 A drone, the envy of compulsory bees." 
 
 I add only one further extract, which will 
 possess a melancholy interest to all such as have 
 endeavoured to glean the materials of Revolu- 
 tionary history from the lips of aged persons, 
 who took a part in the actual making of it, and, 
 finding the manufacture profitable, continued 
 the supply in an adequate proportion to the 
 demand. 
 
 " Old Joe is gone, who saw hot Percy goad 
 His slow artillery up the Concord road, 
 A tale which yrc^v in ^vondcr, year by year, 
 As, every time he told it, Joe drew near 
 To the main fight, till, faded and grown gray, 
 The original scene to bolder tints gave way ; 
 Then Joe had heard the foe's scared double-quick 
 Beat on stove drum with one uncapturcd stick, 
 And, ere death came the lengthening tale to lop. 
 Himself had fired, and seen a red-coat drop ; 
 Had Joe lived long enough, that scrambling fight 
 Had squared more nearly to his sense of right, 
 And vanquished Percy, to complete the tale, 
 Had hammered stone for life in Concord jail."
 
 INTRODUCTION. XV 
 
 T do not know that the foresroin^ extracts 
 ought not to be called my own rather than 
 Mr. Biglow's, as, indeed, he maintained stoutly 
 that my file had left nothing of his in them. I 
 should not, perhaps, have felt entitled to take so 
 great liberties with them, had I not more than 
 suspected an hereditary vein of poetry in myself, 
 a very near ancestor having written a Latin 
 poem in the Harvard Gratulatio on the accession 
 of George the Third. Suffice it to say, that, 
 whether not satisfied with such limited approba- 
 tion as I could conscientiously bestow, or from a 
 sense of natural inaptitude, I know not, certain 
 it is that my young friend could never be in- 
 duced to any further essays in this kind. He 
 affirmed that it was to him like writing in a 
 foreign tongue, — that Mr. Pope's versification 
 was like the regular ticking of one of Willard's 
 clocks, in which one could fancy, after long 
 listening, a certain kind of rhythm or tune, but 
 which yet was only a poverty-stricken tick, tick
 
 XVI INTRODUCTION. 
 
 after all, — and that he had never seen a sweet- 
 water on a trellis growmg so faMy, or in forms 
 so pleasing to his eye, as a fox-grape over a scrub- 
 oak in a swamp. He added I know not what, 
 to the efTect that the sweet-water would only be 
 the more disfigured by having its leaves starched 
 and ironed out, and that Pegasus (so he called 
 him) hardly looked right with his mane and tail 
 in curl-papers. These and other such opinions 
 I did not long strive to eradicate, attributing 
 them rather to a defective education and senses 
 untuned by too long familiarity with purely 
 natural objects, than to a perverted moral sense. 
 I was the more inclined to this leniency since 
 sufficient evidence was not to seek, that his 
 verses, as wanting as they certainly were in 
 classic polish and point, had somehow taken hold 
 " of the public ear in a surprising manner. So, 
 only setting him right as to the quantity of the 
 proper name Pegasus, I left him to follow the 
 bent of his natural genius.
 
 INTRODUCTION. XVll 
 
 There are two things upon which it would 
 seem fitting to dilate somewhat more largely 
 in this place, — the Yankee character and the 
 Yankee dialect. And, first, of the Yankee char- 
 acter, which has wanted neither open maligners, 
 nor even more dangerous enemies in the persons 
 of those unskilful painters who have given to 
 it that hardness, angularity, and want of proper 
 perspective, which, in truth, belonged, not to 
 their snbject, but to their own niggard and un- 
 skilful pencil. 
 
 New England was not so much the colony of 
 a mother country, as a Hagar driven forth in- 
 to the wilderness. The little self-exiled band 
 which came hither in 1620 came, not to seek 
 gold, but to found a democracy. They came 
 that they might have the privilege to work and 
 pray, to sit upon hard benches and listen to 
 painful preachers as long as they would, yea, 
 even unto thirty-seventhly, if the spirit so willed 
 it. And surely, if the Greek might boast nis
 
 XVIU INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Thermopylae, where three hundred men fell in re- 
 sisting the Persian, we may well be proud of our 
 Plymouth Rock, where a handful of men, women, 
 and children not merely faced, but vanquish- 
 ed, winter, famine, the wilderness, and the yet 
 more invincible storge that drew them back to 
 the green island far away. These found no lotus 
 growing upon the surly shore, the taste of which 
 could make them forget their little native Ithaca ; 
 nor were they so wanting to themselves in faith 
 as to burn their ship, but could see the fair west 
 wind belly the homeward sail, and then turn un- 
 repining to grapple with the terrible Unknown. 
 
 As Want was the prime foe these hardy exo- 
 dists had to fortress themselves against, so it is 
 little wonder if that traditional feud is long in 
 wearing out of the stock. The wounds of the 
 old warfare were long ahealing, and an east wind 
 of hard times puts a new ache in every one of 
 them. Thrift was the first lesson in their horn- 
 book, pointed out, letter after letter, by the lean
 
 INTRODUCTION. XIH 
 
 finger of the hard schoohriaster, Necessity. Nei- 
 ther were those plnmp, rosy-gilled Englishmen 
 that came hither, but a hard-faced, atrabilious, 
 earnest-eyed race, stiff from long wrestling with 
 the Lord in prayer, and who had taught Satan to 
 dread the new Puritan hug. Add two hundred 
 years' influence of soil, climate, and exposure, 
 with its necessary result of idiosyncrasies, and 
 we have the present Yankee, full of expedients, 
 half-master of all trades, inventive in all but the 
 beautiful, full of shifts, not yet capable of com- 
 fort, armed at all points against the old enemy 
 Hunger, longanimous, good at patching, not so 
 careful for what is best as for what will do, with 
 a clasp to his purse and a button to his pocket, 
 not skilled to build against Time, as in old coun- 
 tries, but against sore-pressing Need, accustomed 
 to move the world with no ttov ctw but his own 
 two feet, and no lever but his own long forecast. 
 A strange hybrid, indeed, did circumstance beget, 
 here in the New World, upon the old Pun-
 
 XX INTRODUCTION. 
 
 tan stock, and the earth never before saw such 
 mystic-practicalism, such niggard-geniality, such 
 calculating-fanaticism, such cast-iron-enthusiasm, 
 such unwilling-humor, such close-fisted-generosi- 
 ty. This new Grceculus esuriens will make a 
 living out of any thing. He will invent new 
 trades as well as tools. His brain is his capital, 
 and he will get education at all risks. Put him 
 on Juan Fernandez, and he would make a spell- 
 ing-book first, and a salt-pan afterward. In 
 ccelutn,jusseris, ibit, — or the other way either, — 
 it is all one, so any thing is to be got by it. Yet, 
 after all, thin, speculative Jonathan is more like 
 the Englishman of two centuries ago than John 
 Bull himself is. He has lost somewhat in solid- 
 ity, has become fluent and adaptable, but more 
 of the original groundwork of character remains. 
 He feels more at home with Fulke Greville, 
 Herbert of Cherbury, Quarles, George Herbert, 
 and Browne, than with his modern English 
 cousins. He is nearer than John, by at least a
 
 INTRODUCTION. XXI 
 
 hundred years, to Nasehy, Marston Moor, Worces- 
 ter, and the time when, if ever, there were true 
 Englishmen. John Bull has suffered the idea 
 of the Invisible to be very much fattened out of 
 him. Jonathan is conscious still that he lives in 
 the world of the Unseen as well as of the Seen. 
 To move John, you must make your fulcrum 
 of solid beef and pudding ; an abstract idea will 
 do for Jonathan. 
 
 *#T0 THE INDULGENT READER. 
 
 My fiiend, the Reverend Sir. "Wilbur, having been seized with a 
 dangerous fit of illness, before this Introduction had passed through 
 the press, and being incapacitated for all literary exertiqp, sent to 
 me his notes, memoranda, &c., and requested me to fashion them 
 into some shape more fitting for the general eye. This, owing to 
 the fragmentary and disjointed state of his manuscripts, I have 
 felt wholly unable to do; yet, being unwilling that the reader 
 should be deprived of such parts of his lucubrations as seemed 
 more finished, and not well discerning how to segregate these 
 from the rest, I have concluded to send them all to the press pre- 
 cisely as they are. 
 
 CoLusiBUS Nte, Pastor of a Church'in Bungtown Comer. 
 c
 
 XXll INTRODUCTION 
 
 It remains to speak of the Yankee dialect. And, 
 first, it may be premised, in a general way, that any one 
 much read in the writings of the early colonists need 
 not be told that the far greater share of the words and 
 phrases now esteemed peculiar to New England, and 
 local there, were brought from the mother country. A 
 person familiar with the dialect of certain portions of 
 Massachusetts will not fail to recognize, in ordinary 
 discourse, many words now noted in English vocabula- 
 ries as archaic, the greater part of which were in com- 
 mon use about the time of the King James translation 
 of the Bible. Shakspeare stands less in need of a glos- 
 sary to most New Englanders than to many a native 
 of the Old Country. The peculiarities of our speech, 
 however, are rapidly wearing out. As there is no coun- 
 try where reading is so universal and newspapers are 
 so multitudinous, so no phrase remains long local, but is 
 transplanted in the mail-bags to every remotest corner 
 of the land. Consequently our dialect approaches 
 nearer to uniformity than that of any other nation. 
 
 The English have complained of us for coining new 
 words. Many of those so stigmatized were old ones 
 by them forgotten, and all make now an unquestioned 
 part of the currency, wherever English is spoken.
 
 INTRODUCTION. XXUl 
 
 Undoubtedly, we have a right to make new words, as 
 they are needed by the fresh aspects under which life 
 presents itself here in the New World ; and, indeed, 
 wherever a language is alive, it grows. It might be 
 questioned whether we could not establish a stronger 
 title to the ownership of the English tongue than the 
 mother-islanders themselves. Here, past all question, 
 is to be its great home and centre. And not only is it 
 already spoken here by greater numbers, but with a far 
 higher popular average of correctness, than in Britain. 
 The great writers of it, too, we might claim as ours, 
 were ownership to be settled by the number of readers 
 and lovers. 
 
 As regards the provincialisms to be met with in this 
 volume, I may say that the reader will not find one 
 which is not (as I believe) either native or imported 
 with the early settlers, nor one which I have not, with 
 my own ears, heard in familiar use. In the metrical 
 portion of the book, I have endeavoured to adapt the 
 spelling as nearly as possible to the ordinary mode of 
 pronunciation. Let the reader who deems me over- 
 particular remember this caution of Martial : — 
 
 " Qnem ren'tas, menu est, FIdenfine, lihpllus ; 
 Sed male cum recitds, Inclpit esse tuas."
 
 XXIV INTRODUCTION. 
 
 A few further explanatory remarks will not be imper- 
 tinent. 
 
 I shall barely lay down a few general rules for the 
 reader's guidance. 
 
 1. The genuine Yankee never gives the rough sound 
 to the r when he can help it, and often displays consid- 
 erable ingenuity in avoiding it even before a vowel. 
 
 2. He seldom sounds the final g, a piece of self- 
 denial, if we consider his partiality for nasals. The 
 same of the final d, as hati^ and slati^ for hand and 
 stand. ■* 
 
 3. The h in such words as tohile, when, where, he 
 omits altogether. 
 
 4. In regard to a, he shows some inconsistency, 
 sometimes giving a close and obscure sound, as hev for 
 have, hendy for handy ^ ez for as, thet for that, and again 
 giving it the broad sound it has in father, as hansome for 
 handsome. 
 
 5. To the sound ou he prefixes an e (hard to exem- 
 plify otherwise than orally). 
 
 The following passage in Shakspeare he would recite 
 thus : — 
 
 " Ncow is the winta uv conr discontent 
 Rlcd glorious snmma t)y this sun o' York, 
 An' all the clconds thet looworcd iijiiin cour heouse 
 In the deep buzzum o' the oshin buried j
 
 INTRODUCTION. XXV 
 
 Neow air eour brcows beound 'itli victorious wreaths ; 
 Eour breused arms hung up fer monimunce ; 
 Eour starn alarums changed to merry meetins, 
 Eour drcttie marches to delightful measures. 
 Grim-visaged war hcth smcuthed his wrinkled front, 
 An' neow, instid o' uiountin' barebid steeds 
 To fright the souls o' fcrflc edverscries, 
 He capers nimly in a lady's chamber, 
 To the lascivious pleasin' uv a loot." 
 
 6 All, in such words as daughter and slaughter, he 
 pronounces ah. 
 
 7. To the dish thus seasoned add a drawl ad liiitum. 
 
 [Mr. Wilbur's notes here become entirely fragmentary. — C. N."] 
 
 a. Unable to procure a likeness of Mr. Biglow, I 
 thought the curious reader might be gratified with a 
 sight of the editorial effigies. And here a choice be- 
 tween two was offered, — the one a profile (entirely 
 black) cut by Doyle, the other a portrait painted by a 
 native artist of much promise. The first of these 
 seemed wanting in expression, and in the second a 
 slight obliquity of the visual organs has been heightened 
 (perhaps from an over-desire of force on the part of the 
 artist) into too close an approach to actual strabismus. 
 This slight divergence in my optical apparatus from the 
 ordinary model — however I may have been taught to 
 
 regard it in the light of a mercy rather than a cross, 
 c *
 
 XXVI INTRODUCTION. 
 
 since it enabled me to give as much of directness ana 
 personal application to my discourses as met the wants 
 of my congregation, without risk of offending any by 
 being supposed to have him or her in my eye (as the 
 saying is) — seemed yet to Mrs. Wilbur a sufficient ob- 
 jection to the engraving of the aforesaid painting. We 
 read of many who either absolutely refused to allow the 
 copying of their features, as especially did Plotinus and 
 Agesilaus among the ancients, not to mention the more 
 modern instances of Scioppius Palseottus, Pinellus, 
 Velserus, Gataker, and others, or were indifferent there- 
 to, as Cromwell. 
 
 /3. Yet was Ctesar desirous of concealing his baldness. 
 Per contra, my Lord Protector's carefulness in the 
 matter of his wart might be cited. Men generally 
 more desirous of being improved in their portraits than 
 characters. Shall probably find very unflattered like- 
 nesses of ourselves in Recording Angel's gallery. 
 
 y. Whether any of our national peculiarities may be 
 traced to our use of stoves, as a certain closeness of the 
 lips in pronunciation, and a smothered smoulderingness 
 of disposition, seldom roused to open flame ? An un- 
 restrained intercourse with fire probably conducive to 
 generosity and hospitality of soul. Ancient Mexicans
 
 INTRODUCTION, XXVU 
 
 used stoves, as the friar Augustin Ruiz reports, Hakluyt, 
 III., 468, — but Popish priests not always reliable au- 
 thority. 
 
 To-day picked my Isabella grapes. Crop injured by 
 attacks of rose-bug in the spring. Whether Noah was 
 justifiable in preserving this class of insects ? 
 
 8. Concerning Mr. Biglow's pedigree. Tolerably 
 certain that there was never a poet among his ancestors. 
 An ordination hymn attributed to a maternal uncle, but 
 perhaps a sort of production- not demanding the creative 
 faculty. 
 
 His grandfather a painter of the grandiose or Michael 
 Angelo school. Seldom painted objects smaller than 
 houses or barns, and these with uncommon expression. 
 
 e. Of the Wilburs no complete pedigree. The crest 
 said to be a 2oild boar, whence, perhaps, the name. {?) 
 A connection with the Earls of Wilbraham (quasi wild 
 boar ham) might be made out. This suggestion worth 
 
 following up. In 1677, John W. m. Expect , had 
 
 issue, 1, John, 2. Haggai, 3. Expect, 4. Euhamah, 
 5, Desire, 
 
 " Hear lyes y^ hod ye of ISfrs Expect Wilber, 
 Y*^ crewell salvages they kil'd her
 
 XXVlll INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Together w"' other Christian soles eleaven, 
 
 October y® ix daye, 1707. 
 
 Y^ stream of Jordan sh' as crost ore 
 
 And now expcacts me on y^ other shore : 
 
 I live in hope her soon to join; 
 
 Her earthlye yeeres were forty and nine." 
 
 From Gravestone in Pekussett, North Parish. 
 
 This is unquestionably the same John who afterward 
 (1711) married Tabitha Hagg or Ragg. 
 
 But if this were the case, she seems to have died 
 early; for only three years after, namely, 1714, we 
 liave evidence that he marriea Winifred, daughter of 
 Lieutenant Tipping. 
 
 He seems to have been a man of substance, for we 
 find him in 1696 conveying " one undivided eightieth 
 part of a salt-meadow " in Yabbok, and he command- 
 ed a sloop in 1702. 
 
 Those who doubt the importance of genealogical 
 studies fuste potius quam argumento erudiendi. 
 
 I trace him as far as 1723, and there lose him. In 
 that year he was chosen selectman. 
 
 No gravestone. Perhaps overthrown when new 
 hearse-house was built, 1802. 
 
 He was probably the son of John, who came from 
 Bilham Comit. Salop, circa 1642. 
 
 This first John was a man of considerable importance,
 
 INTRODUCTION. XXIX 
 
 being twice mentioned with the honorable prefix of Mr. 
 in the town records. Name spelt with two Is. 
 
 " Hear lyeth y* bod [sfone unhippihj broken^ 
 Mr. Ilion Willber [Esq.] [/ inclose this in brackets as 
 doubtful. To me it seems clear.] 
 
 Ob't die {illegible; looks like xviii.] iii [prob. 1693.] 
 
 . . . • . pa_\Tit 
 
 deseased seinte : 
 A friend and [fath]er untoe all y^ oprcast, 
 Ilee gave y*' wicked familists noe reast, 
 When Sat[an bl]ewe his Antinomian Waste, 
 Wee clong to [Willber as a steadf ]ast maste. 
 [A]ga}Tist y* horrid Qua[kersJ 
 
 It is greatly to be lamented that this curious epitaph 
 IS mutilated. It is said that the sacrilegious British sol- 
 diers made a target of this stone during the war of In- 
 dependence. How odious an animosity which pauses 
 not at the grave ! How brutal that which spares not 
 the monuments of authentic history ! This is not im- 
 probably from the pen of Rev. Moody Pyram, who is 
 mentioned by Flubbard as having been noted for a silver 
 vein of poetry. If his papers be still extant, a copy 
 might possibly be recovered.
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 No. I. — A Letter from Mr. Ezekiel Bicrlow of Jaalam to 
 
 'o' 
 
 the Hon. Joseph T. Buckingham, Editor of the Bos- 
 ton Courier, inclosing a Poem of his Son, RIi-. Hosea 
 Biglow, 1 
 
 No. II. — A Letter from Mr. Hosea Biglow to the Hon. J. 
 T. Buckingham, Editor of the Boston Courier, covering 
 a Letter from Mr. B. Sawin, Private in tlie Massachu- 
 setts Regiment, 13 
 
 No. III. — Wliat Mr. Eobinson thinks, . . . . 32 
 
 No. IV. — Eemarks of Increase J). O'Phace, Esquire, at an 
 Extrumi^ery Caucus in State Street, reported by Llr. H. 
 Biglow, 45 
 
 No. V. — The Debate in the Sennit. Sot to a Nusry Rhyme, 63 
 
 No. VI. — The Pious Editor's Creed, 73
 
 XXXll CONTENTS. 
 
 No. "VII. — A Letter from a Candidate for the Presidency in 
 Answer to suttin Questions proposed by Mr. Hosea Big- 
 low, inclosed in a Note from Mr. Biglow to S. II. Gay, 
 Esq., Editor of the National Anti-slavery Standard, . 84 
 
 No. "VIII. — A Second Letter from B. Sawin, Esq., . . 97 
 
 No. IX. — A Third Letter from B. Sawin, Esq., . . 120 
 
 Glossary, 143 
 
 Index, -49
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 No. I. 
 A LETTER 
 
 FROM MR. EZEKTEL EIGLOW OF JAALAM TO THE HON. 
 JOSEPH T. BUCKINGHAM, EDITOR OF THE BOSTON 
 COURIER, INCLOSING A POEM OF HIS SON, MR. HOSEA 
 BIGLOW. 
 
 Jatlem, June 1846. 
 Mister Eddyter: — Our Hosea wuz down to Boston 
 last week, and he see a cruetin Sarjunt a struttin 
 round as popler as a hen with 1 chicking, with 2 
 fellers a drummin and fifin arter him like all nater. 
 the sarjunt he thout Hosea hedn't gut his i teeth cut cos 
 he looked a kindo's though he'd jest com down, so he 
 cal'lated to hook him in, but Hosy woodn't take none 
 o' his sarse for all he hed much as 20 Rooster's 
 
 tales stuck onto his hat and eenamost enuf brass a 
 1
 
 2 THE EIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 bobbin up and down on his shoulders and figureed 
 onto his coat and trousis, let alone wut nater hed 
 sot in his featers, to make a 6 pounder out on, 
 
 wal, Hosea he com home considerabal riled, and 
 arter I M gone to bed I heern Him a thrashin round 
 like a short-tailed Bull in fli-time. The old Woman ses 
 she to me ses she, Zekle, ses she, our Hosee's gut 
 the chollery or suthin anuther ses she, don't you Bee 
 skeered, ses I, he's oney amakin pottery* ses i, he's 
 oilers on hand at that ere busynes like Da & martin, 
 and share enuf, cum mornin, Hosy he cum down 
 stares full chizzle, hare on eend and cote tales flyin, 
 and sot rite of to go reed his varses to Parson Wil- 
 bur bein he haint aney grate shows o' book larnin him- 
 self, bimeby he' cum back and sed the parson wuz 
 dreffle tickled with 'em as i hoop you will Be, and 
 said they wuz True grit. 
 
 Hosea ses taint hardly fair to call 'em hisn now, 
 cos the parson kind o' slicked off sum o' the last var- 
 ses, but he told Hosee he didn't want to put his ore 
 
 * Aut insanit, ant veisosfacit. — H. W.
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. d 
 
 in to tetch to the Rest on 'em, bein they wuz verry 
 well As thay wuz, and then Hosy ses he sed suthin a 
 nuthei' about Simplex Mundishes or sum sech feller, 
 but I guess Hosea kind o' didn't hear him, for I never 
 hearn o' nobody o' that name in this villadge, and 
 I've lived here man and boy 76 year cum next tater 
 diggin, and thair aint no wheres a kitting spryer 'n I be. 
 If you print 'em I wish you'd jest let folks know 
 who hosy's father is, cos my ant, Keziah used to say 
 it's nater to be curus ses she, she aint livin though 
 and he's a likely kind o' lad. 
 
 EZEKIEL BIGLOW. 
 
 Thrash away, you '11 hev to rattle 
 
 On them kittle drums o' yourn, — 
 'Taint a knowin' kind o' cattle 
 
 Thet is ketched with mouldy corn ; 
 Put in stiff, you fifer feller. 
 
 Let folks see how spry you be, — 
 Guess you '11 toot till you are yeller 
 
 'Fore you git ahold o' me !
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Thet air flag 's a leetle rotten, 
 
 Hope it aint your Sunday's best ; — 
 Fact ! it takes a sight o' cotton 
 
 To stuff out a soger's chest : 
 Sence we farmers hev to pay fer 't, 
 
 Ef you must wear humps hke these, 
 Sposin' you should try salt hay fer 't, 
 
 It would du ez slick ez grease. 
 
 'T would n't suit them Southern fellers, 
 
 They 're a dreffle graspin' set, 
 We must oilers blow the hellers 
 
 Wen they want their irons het ; 
 May be it 's all right ez preachin', 
 
 But my narves it kind o' grates. 
 Wen I see the overreachin' 
 
 O' them nigger-drivin' States. 
 
 Them thet rule us, them slave-traders, 
 Haint they cut a ihunderin' swarth, 
 
 (Helped by Yankee renegaders,) 
 Thru the vartu o' the North !
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 We besin to think it 's nater 
 
 To take sarse an' not be riled ; — 
 
 Who 'd expect to see a tater 
 All on eend at bein' biled ? 
 
 Ez fer war, T call it murder, — 
 
 There you hev it plain an' flat ; 
 I don't want to go no furder 
 
 Than my Testyment fer that ; 
 God hez sed so plump an' fairly, 
 
 It 's ez long ez it is broad, 
 An' you 've gut to git up airly 
 
 Ef you want to take in God. 
 
 'Taint your eppyletts an' feathers 
 Make the thing a grain more right ; 
 
 'Taint afollerin' your bell-wethers 
 Will excuse ye in His sight ; 
 
 Ef you take a sword an' dror it, 
 An' go stick a feller thru, 
 
 Guv'ment aint to answer for it, 
 • God '11 send the bill to you.
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Wut 's the use o' meetin-goin' 
 
 Every Sabbath, wet or dry, 
 Ef it 's right to go amowin' 
 
 Feller-men like oats an' rye ? 
 I dunno but wut it 's pooty 
 
 Trainin' round in bobtail coats, — 
 But it 's curus Christian dooty 
 
 This ere cuttin' folks's throats. 
 
 They may talk o' Freedom's airy 
 
 Tell they 're pupple in the face, — 
 It 's a grand gret cemetary 
 
 Fer the barthrights of our race ; 
 They jest want this Californy 
 
 So 's to luCT new slave-states in 
 To abuse ye, an' to scorn ye. 
 
 An' to plunder ye like sin. 
 
 Aint it cute to see a Yankee 
 Take sech everlastin' pains 
 
 All to git the Devil's thankee, 
 
 Helpin' on 'em weld their chains ?
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Wj^, it 's jest ez clear ez figgers, 
 Clear cz one an' one make two, 
 
 Chaps thet make black slaves o' niggers 
 Want to make wite slaves o' you. 
 
 Tell ye jest the eend I 've come to 
 
 Arter cipherin' plaguy smart, 
 An' it makes a handy sum, tu, 
 
 Any gump could lam by heart ; 
 Laborin' man an' laborin' woman 
 
 Hev one glory an' one shame, 
 Ev'y thin' thet 's done inhuman 
 
 Injers all on 'em the same. 
 
 'Taint by turnin' out to hack folks 
 
 You 're agoin' to git your right. 
 Nor by lookin' down on black folks 
 
 Coz you 're put upon by wite ; 
 Slavery aint o' nary color, 
 
 'Taint the hide thet makes it wus, 
 All it keers fer in a feller 
 
 'S jest to make him fill its pus.
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Want to tackle me in, du ye ? 
 
 I expect you '11 hev to wait ; 
 Wen cold lead puts daylight thru ye 
 
 You '11 begin to kal'late ; 
 'Spose the crows wun't fall to pickin' 
 
 All the carkiss from your bones, 
 Coz you helped to give a lickin' 
 
 To them poor half-Spanish drones ? 
 
 Jest go home an' ask our Nancy 
 
 Wether I 'd be sech a goose 
 Ez to jine ye, — guess you 'd fancy 
 
 The etarnal bung wuz loose ! 
 She wants me fer home consumption, 
 
 Let alone the hay 's to mow, — 
 Ef you 're arter folks o' gumption. 
 
 You 've a darned long row to hoe. 
 
 Take them editors thet 's crowin' 
 
 Like a cockerel three months old, — 
 
 Don't ketch any on 'em goin'. 
 Though they he so blasted bold ;
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Aint they a prime set o' fellers ? 
 
 'Fore they thuik'on 't they will sprout, 
 (Like a peach thet's got the yellers,) 
 
 With the meanness bustin' out. 
 
 Wal, go 'long to help 'em stealin' 
 
 Bigger pens to cram with slaves, 
 Help the men thet 's oilers dealin' 
 
 Insults on your fathers' graves ; 
 Help the strong to grind the feeble. 
 
 Help the many agin the few, 
 Help the men thet call your people 
 
 Witewashed slaves an' peddlin' crew ! 
 
 Massachusetts, God forgive her. 
 
 She 's akneelin' with the rest. 
 She, thet ough' to ha' clung fer ever 
 
 In her grand old eagle-nest ; 
 She thet ough' to stand so fearless 
 
 Wile the wracks are round her hurled, 
 Holdin' up a beacon peerless 
 
 To the oppressed of all the world 1
 
 10 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Haint ihej' sold your colored seamen ? 
 
 Haint they mad.e yoftr env'ys wiz ? 
 Wut '11 make ye act like freemen ? 
 
 Wilt '11 git your dander riz ? 
 Come, I '11 tell ye wut I 'm thinkin' 
 
 Is our dooty in this fix, 
 They 'd ha' done 't ez quick ez winkin' 
 
 In the days o' seventy-six. 
 
 Clang the bells in every steeple, 
 
 Call all true men to disown 
 The tradoocers of our people, 
 
 The enslavers o' their own ; 
 Let our dear old Bay State proudly 
 
 Put the trumpet to her mouth. 
 Let her ring this messidge loudly 
 
 In the ears of all the South : — 
 
 " I '11 return ye good far evil 
 Much ez we frail mortils can, 
 
 But I wun't go help the Devil 
 Makin' man the cus o' man ;
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 11 
 
 Call me coward, call me trailer, 
 
 Jest ez suits your mean idees, — 
 Here I stand a tyrant-hater, 
 
 An' the friend o' God an' Peace ! " 
 
 Ef I 'd my way I hed ruther 
 
 We should go to work an' part, — 
 They take one way, we take t'other, — 
 
 Guess it would n't break my heai't ; 
 Man hed ough' to put asunder 
 
 Them thet God has noways jined ; 
 An' I should n't gretly wonder 
 
 Ef there 's thousands o' my mind. 
 
 [The first recruiting sergeant on record I conceive to have heen 
 that individual who is mentioned in the Book of Job as going to 
 and fro in the earth, and walking up and down in it. Bishop Lati- 
 mer will have him to have been a bishop, but to me that other 
 calling would appear more congenial. The sect of Cainites is not 
 yet extinct, who esteemed the first-born of Adam to be the most 
 worthy, not only because of that privilege of primogeniture, but 
 inasmuch as he was able to overcome and slay his younger 
 brother. That was a wise saj-ing of the famous Marquis Pes- 
 cara to the Papal Legate, that it was impossible for men to serve 
 Mars and Christ at the same time. Yet in time past the profession
 
 12 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 of arms was judged to be (car i^oxr]v that of a gentleman, nor 
 does this opinion want for strenuous upholders even in our day. 
 Must we suppose, then, that the profession of Christianity was 
 only intended for losels, or, at best, to afford an opening for ple- 
 beian ambition? Or shall we hold with that nicely metaphysical 
 Pomeranian, Captain Vratz, who was Count Konigsmark's chief 
 instrument in the murder of Mr. Thynne, that the Scheme of Sal- 
 vation has been arranged with an especial eye to the necessities 
 of the upper classes, and that " God would consider a gentleman 
 and deal with him suitably to the condition and profession he had 
 placed him in " ? It may be said of us all, Exemplo plus qitam 
 ratione vivimus. — H. W.]
 
 No. II. 
 A LETTER 
 
 FROM MR, HOSEA BIGLOW TO THE HON. J. T. BUCKINGHAM, 
 EDITOR OF THE BOSTON COURIER, COVERING A LETTER 
 FROM MR. B. SAWIN, PRIVATE IN THE MASSACHUSETTS 
 ■ REGIMKNT. 
 
 [This letter of Mr. Sawin's was not originally written in verse. 
 ]Mr. Biglow, thinking it peculiarly susceptible of meti-ical adorn- 
 ment, translated it, so to speak, into his own vernacular tongue. 
 This is not the time to consider the question, whether rhyme be 
 a mode of expression natm-al to the human race. If leisure from 
 other and more important avocations be granted, I will handle 
 the matter more at large in an appendix to the present volume. 
 In tliis place I will barely remark, that I have sometimes noticed 
 in the unlanguaged prattlings of infants a fondness for alliteration, 
 assonance, and even rh^Tue, in which natural predisposition we 
 may trace the three degrees through which our Anglo-Saxon 
 verse rose to its culmination in the poetiy of Pope. I wo^ld not 
 be understood as questioning in these remarks that pious theory 
 which supposes that cliildren, if left entirely to themselves, would
 
 11 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 naturally discourse in Hebrew. For this the authority of one 
 exijcriment is claimed, and I could, with Sir Thomas Browne, 
 desire its establishment, inasmuch as the acquirement of that 
 sacred tongue would thereby be facilitated. I am aware that 
 Herodotus states the conclusion of Psammeticus to have been in 
 favor of a dialect of the Phrygian. But, beside the chance that a 
 trial of this importance would hardly be blessed to a Pagan mon- 
 arch whose only motive was curiosity, we have on the Hebrew 
 side the comparatively recent investigation of James the Fourth 
 of Scotland. I will add to this prefatory remark, that Mr. Sawin, 
 though a native of Jaalam, has never been a stated attendant on 
 the religious exercises of my congregation. I consider my hum- 
 ble efforts prospered in that not one of my sheep hath ever indued 
 the wolf's clothing of war, save for the comparatively innocent 
 diversion of a militia training. Not that my flock are back- 
 ward to undergo the hardsliips of defensive warfare. They serve 
 cheerfully in the great army which fights even unto death pro aris 
 etfocis, accoutred with the spade, the axe, the plane, the sledge, 
 the spelling-book, and other such effectual weapons against want 
 and ignorance and unthrift. I have taught them (under God) to 
 esteem our human institutions as but tents of a night, to be 
 stricken whenever Truth puts the bugle to her lips and sounds 
 a march to the heights of wider-viewed intelligence and more 
 perfect organization. — H. W.] 
 
 Mister Buckinum, the follerin Billet was writ hum 
 by a Yung feller of our town that wuz cussed fool 
 enuff to goe atrottin inter Miss Chiff arter a Drum and
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 15 
 
 fife, it ain't Nater for a feller to let on that he's sick 
 o' any bizness that He went intu off his own free will 
 and a Cord, but I rather caPlate he's rniddlin tired o' 
 voluntearin By this Time. I bleeve u may put de- 
 pendunts on his statemence. For I never heered nothin 
 bad on him let Alone his havin what Parson Wilbur 
 cals a pongshong for cocktales, and he ses it wuz a 
 
 soshiashun of idees sot him agoin arter the Crootin 
 Sargient cos he wore a cocktale onto his hat. 
 
 his Folks gin the letter to me and i shew it to parson 
 Wilbur and he ses it oughter Bee printed, send It to 
 mister Buckinum, ses he, i don't oilers agree with him, 
 ses he, but by Time,* ses he, I du like a feller that ain't 
 a Feared. 
 
 I have intusspussed a Few refleckshuns hear and 
 thair. We're kind o' prest with Hayin. 
 
 Ewers lespecfly 
 
 HOSEA BIGLOW. 
 
 * In relation to this expression, I cannot bm ihink that Mr. 
 Biglow has been too hasty in attributing it to me. Though Time 
 be a comparatively innocent personage to swear by, and though 
 Longinus in his discourse Ilfpi "Y^ov^ has commended timely
 
 16 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 This kind o' sogerln' aint a mite like our October 
 
 trainin', 
 A chap could clear right out from there ef 't only 
 
 looked like rainin'. 
 An' th' Cunnles, tu, could kiver up their shappoes 
 
 with bandanners, 
 An' send the insines skootin' to the bar-room with their 
 
 banners, 
 (Fear o' gittin' on 'em spotted,) an' a feller could cry- 
 quarter 
 Ef he fired away his ramrod arter tu much rum an' 
 
 water. 
 Recollect wut fun we hed, you 'n I an' Ezry 
 
 Hollis, 
 Up there to Waltham plain last fall, ahavin' the 
 
 Corn wal lis ? * 
 
 oaths as not only a useful but sublime figure of speech, yet I have 
 always kept my lips free from that abomination. Odi pro/anum 
 imlgus, I hate your swearing and hectoring fellows. — H. W. 
 
 * i hait the Site of a feller with a muskit as I du pizn But their 
 w fun to a comwallis I aint agoin' to deny it. — II. B.
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 17 
 
 This sort o' thing aint jest like thet, — I wish thet I wuz 
 
 furder, — * 
 Nimepunce a day fer killin' folks comes kind o' low fer 
 
 murder, 
 (Wy I 've worked out to slarterin' some fer Deacon 
 
 Cephas Billins, 
 An' in the hardest times there wuz I oilers tetched ten 
 
 shillins,) 
 There 's sutthin' gits into my throat thet makes it hard 
 
 to s waller, 
 It comes so nateral to think about a hempen col- 
 lar ; 
 It 's glory, — but, in spite o' all my tryin' to git 
 
 callous, 
 I feel a kind o' in a cart, aridin' to the gal- 
 
 lus. 
 But wen it comes to lein' killed, — I tell ye I felt 
 
 streaked 
 The fust time ever I found out wy baggonets wuz 
 
 peaked ; 
 
 * he means Not quite so fur i guess. — H. B. 
 
 2
 
 18 THE BIGLOW PAPERS, 
 
 Here 's how it wuz : I started out to go to a fan- 
 dango, 
 The sentinul he ups an' sez, " Thet 's furder 'an 
 
 you can go." 
 " None o' your sarse," sez I ; sez he, " Stan' back ! " 
 
 " Ahit you a buster ? " 
 Sez I, " I 'in up to all thet air, I guess I 've ben to 
 
 muster ; 
 I know wy sentinuls air sot ; you aint agoin' to 
 
 eat us ; 
 Caleb haint no monopoly to court the seenoree- 
 
 tas ; 
 My r)lks to hum air full ez good ez hisn be, by 
 
 golly!" 
 An' so ez I wuz goin' by, not thinkin' wut would 
 
 folly, 
 The everlastin' cus he stuck his one-pronged pitchfork 
 
 in me 
 An' made a hole right thru my close ez ef I wuz 
 
 an in'my. 
 Wal, it beats all how big I felt hoorawin' in ole 
 
 Funnel
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 19 
 
 Wen Mister BoUcs he gin the sword to our Leftenant 
 
 Cunnle, 
 (It 's Mister Secondary Belles,* that writ the prize 
 
 peace essay ; 
 Thet 's wy he did n't list himself along o' us, I 
 
 dessay,) 
 An' Rantoul, tu, talked pooty loud, but don't put Ids 
 
 foot in it, 
 Coz human life 's so sacred thet he 's principled 
 
 agin' it, — 
 Though I myself can 't rightly see it 's any wus 
 
 achokin' on 'em 
 Than puttin' bullets thru their lights, or with a baenet 
 
 pokin' on 'em ; 
 How dreffle slick he reeled it off, (like Blitz at our 
 
 lyceum 
 Ahaulin' ribbins from his chops so quick you skeercely 
 
 see 'em,) 
 
 * the ignerant creeter means Sekketary ; but he oilers stuck tc 
 his books like cobbler's wax to an ile-stone. — H. B.
 
 20 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 ■ 
 
 About the Anglo-Saxon race (an' saxons would be 
 
 handy 
 To du the buryin' down here upon the Rio Gran- 
 
 dy), 
 
 About our patriotic pas an' our star-spangled ban- 
 ner, 
 
 Our country's bird alookin' on an' singin' out ho- 
 sanner, 
 
 An' how he (Mister B. himself) wuz happy fer 
 Amerlky, — 
 
 I felt, ez sister Patience sez, a leetle mite hister- 
 icky. 
 
 I felt, I swon, ez though it wuz a dreffle kind o' priv- 
 ilege 
 
 Atrampin' round thru Boston streets among the gutter's 
 drivelage ; 
 
 I act'lly thought it wuz a treat to hear a little drum- 
 
 min' 
 
 o 
 
 An' it did bonyfidy seem millanyum wuz acom- 
 
 in' 
 
 Wen all on us got suits (darned like them wore in the 
 state prison)
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 21 
 
 An' every feller felt ez though all Mexico wuz 
 hisn.* 
 
 This 'ere 's about the meanest place a skunk could 
 wal diskiver 
 
 (Saltillo 's Mexican, I b'lieve, fer wut we call Salt- 
 river). 
 
 The sort o' trash a feller gits to eat doos beat all 
 nater, 
 
 I 'd give a year's pay fer a smell o' one good bluenose 
 tater ; 
 
 The country here thet Mister Bolles declared to be so 
 charm in' 
 
 Throughout is swarmin' with the most alarmin' kind o' 
 varmiii'. 
 
 * it must be aloud that thare 's a streak o' nater in lovin' slio, 
 but it sartinly is 1 of the curusest things in nater to see a rispeck- 
 table dri goods dealer (deekon off a chutch mayby) a riggin' 
 himself out in the Weigh tliey du and stinittin' round in the Reign 
 aspilin' his ti-owsis and makin' wet goods of himself Ef any 
 thin 's foolisher and moor dicklus than militeny gloary it is 
 milishy gloary. — H. B.
 
 '22 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 He talked about delishis froots, but then it wuz a 
 
 wopper all, 
 The holl on't 's mud an' prickly pears, with here 
 
 an' there a chapparal ; 
 You see a feller peekin' out, an', fust you know, a 
 
 lariat 
 Is round your throat an' you a copse, 'fore you can 
 
 say, " Wut air ye at ? " * 
 You never see sech darned gret bugs (it may not be 
 
 irrelevant 
 To say I 've seen a scarahceus pilularius t big ez a 
 
 year old elephant,) 
 The rigiment come up one day in time to stop a red 
 
 bug 
 From runnin' off with Cunnle Wright, — 't wuz jest a 
 
 common cimex lectularius. 
 
 * these fellers are verry proppilly called Eank Heroes, and the 
 more tha kill the ranker and more Herowick tha bekum. — II. B. 
 
 t it \rva " tumblebug " as he Writ it, but the parson put the 
 Latten instid. i sed tother maid better meeter, but he said tha 
 was eddykated pccpl to Boston and tha would n't stan' it no how. 
 idnow as tha wood and iduow as tlia wood. — H. B.
 
 THE BIGLOVV PAPERS. 23 
 
 One night I started up on eend an' thought I wuz to 
 
 hum agin, 
 I heern a horn, thinks I it 's Sol the fisherman hez come 
 
 agin, 
 His bellowses is sound enough, — ez I 'm a livin' 
 
 creeter, 
 I felt a thing go thru my leg, — 't wuz nothin' more 'n 
 
 a skeeter ! 
 Then there 's the yaller fever, tu, they call it here el 
 
 vomito, — 
 (Come, thet wun't du, you landcrab there, I tell ye to 
 
 le' go my toe ! 
 My gracious ! it 's a scorpion thet 's took a shine to 
 
 play with 't, 
 I dars n't skeer the tarnal thing fer fear he 'd run away 
 
 with 't.) 
 Afore I come away from hum I hed a strong per- 
 suasion 
 Thet Mexicans worn't human beans, * — an ourang 
 
 outang nation, 
 
 * he means human heins, that 's wut he means, i spose he
 
 24 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 A sort o' folks a chap could kill an' never dream on 't 
 
 arter, 
 No more 'n a feller 'd dream o' pigs thet he hed hed 
 
 to slarter ; 
 I 'd an idee thet they were built arter the darkie fashion 
 
 all, 
 An' kickin' colored folks about, you know, 's a kind o' 
 
 national ; 
 But wen I jined I worn't so wise ez thet air queen o^ 
 
 Sheby, 
 Fer, come to look at 'em, they aint much diff'rent from 
 
 wut we be, 
 An' here we air ascrougin' 'em out o' thir own do- 
 minions, 
 Ashelterin' 'em, ez Caleb sez, under our eagle's 
 
 pinions, 
 Wich means to take a feller up jest by the slack o' 's 
 
 trowsis 
 An' walk him Spanish clean right out o' all his homes 
 
 an' houses ; 
 
 kinder tliought tha wuz human beans ware the Xisle Poles comes 
 from. — H. B.
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 25 
 
 Wal, it doos seem a curus way, but then hooraw fei 
 
 Jackson ! 
 It must be right, fcr Caleb sez it 's regular Anglo- 
 
 saxon. 
 The Mex'cans don't fight fair, tliey say, they piz'n 
 
 all tlie water, , 
 
 An"' du amazin' lots o' things thet is n't wut they 
 
 ough' to ; 
 Bein' they haint no lead, they make their bullets out o' 
 
 copper 
 An' shoot the darned things at us, tu, wich Caleb sez 
 
 aint proper ; 
 He sez they 'd ough' to stan' right up an' let us pop 
 
 'em fairly, 
 (Guess wen he ketches 'em at thet he '11 hev to git up 
 
 airly,) 
 Thet our nation 's bi";ger 'n theirn an' so hs ri<ihts air 
 
 bigger, 
 An' thet it 's all to make 'em free thet we air puUin' 
 
 trigger, 
 Thet Anglo Saxondom's idee 's abreakin' 'em to 
 
 pieces,
 
 26 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 An' thet idee 's that every man doos jest wut he damn 
 
 pleases ; 
 Ef I don't make his meanin' clear, perhaps in some 
 
 respex I can^ 
 I know thet " every man " don't mean a nigger or a 
 
 Mexican ; • 
 
 An' there 's another thing I know, an' thet is, ef these 
 
 creeturs, 
 Thet stick an Anglosaxon mask onto State-prison 
 
 feeturs, 
 Should come to Jaalam Centre fer to argify an' spout 
 
 on 't. 
 The gals 'ould count the silver spoons the minnit they 
 
 cleared out on 't. 
 
 This goin' ware glory waits ye haint one agreeable 
 
 feetur, 
 An' ef it worn't fer wakin' snakes, I 'd home agin shoi't 
 
 meter ; 
 O, would n't I be off, quick time, ef 't worn't thet I wuz 
 
 sartin
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 27 
 
 They 'd let the daylight into me to pay me fer de- 
 
 sartin ! 
 I don't approve o' tellin' tales, but jest to you I may 
 
 state 
 Our ossifers aint wut they wuz afore they left the Bay- 
 state ; 
 Then it wuz " Mister Sawin, sir, you 're middlin' well 
 
 now, be ye ? 
 Step up an' take a nipper, sir ; I 'm dreffle glad to see 
 
 ye"; 
 But now it 's " Ware 's ray eppylet ? here, Sawin, 
 
 step an' fetch it ! 
 An' mind your eye, be thund'rin' spry, or, damn ye, 
 
 you shall ketch it ! " 
 Wal, ez the Doctor sez, some pork will bile so, but by 
 
 mighty, 
 Ef I bed some on 'em to hum, I 'd give 'em linkurn 
 
 vity, 
 I 'd play the rogue's march on their hides an' other 
 
 music follerin' 
 
 But I must close my letter here, for one on 'em 's a- 
 
 hoUerin',
 
 28 THE BIGLOW PAFEKS. 
 
 These Anglosaxon ossifers, — wal, taint no use ajaw- 
 
 in\ 
 I 'm safe enlisted fer the war, 
 Yourn, 
 
 BIRDOFREDOM SAWIN. 
 
 [Those have not been wanting (as, indeed, when hatli Satan 
 Deen to seek for attorneys ?) who have maintained that our late 
 inroad ujion Mexico was undertaken, not so much for tlie aveng- 
 ing of any national quarrel, as for the spreading of free institu- 
 tions and of Protestantism. Capita vix duahus Anticyris meden- 
 da .' Verily I admire that no pious sergeant among these new 
 Crusaders beheld Martin Lutlier riding at the front of the host 
 upon a tamed pontifical bull, as, in that former invasion of Mex- 
 ico, tlie zealous Diaz (spawn though he were of the Scarlet 
 Woman) was favored with a vision of St. James of Compostclla, 
 skewering tlie infidels upon his apostolical lance. We read, also, 
 that Eiclianl of the lion heart, having gone to Palestine on a sim- 
 ilar errand of mercj', was divinely encouraged to cut the throats 
 of such Paynims as refused to swallow the bread of life (doubt- 
 less that tJRy' might be thereafter incapacitated for swallowing the 
 filthy gol)bcts of Mahound) by angels of heaven, who cried to the 
 king and his knights, — Seigneurs, I itez! tnez ! providentially using 
 the French tongue, as being the only one understood Iiy their au- 
 ditors. Tliis would argue for the pantoglottism of these celestial 
 intelligences, while, on the other hand, the Devil, feste Cotton 
 Mather, is unversed in certain of the Indian dialects. Yet must 
 he be a semciologist the most expert- making hiriiself intelligible
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPEKS. 29 
 
 to every people and kindred by signs ; no other discourse, indeed, 
 being needful, than such as the mackerel-fisher holds with his 
 finned quarry, who, if other bait be wanting, can by a bare bit of 
 wliite rag at the end of a string captivate those foolish fishes. 
 Such jiiscatorial oratory is Satan cunning in. Before one he trails 
 a hat and feather, or a bare feather without a hat ; before another, 
 a Presidential chair, or a tidewaiter's stool, or a pulpit in the city 
 no matter what. To us, daugling there over our heads, they seem 
 junkets dropi)cd out of the seventh heaven, sops dipped in nectar, 
 but, once in our mouths, they are all one, bits of fuzzy cotton. 
 
 This, however, by the way. It is time now revocare (jradum. 
 While so many miracles of this sort, vouched by eyewitnesses, 
 haA'e encouraged the arms of Papists, not to speak of those 
 Dioscuri (whom we must conclude imps of the pit) who sundry 
 times ca])tained the pagan Roman soldiery, it is strange that otir 
 first American crusade was not in some such wise also signalized. 
 Yet it is said that the Lord hath manifestly prospered our armies. 
 This opens the question, whether, when our hands are strengthened 
 to make great slaughter of our enemies, it be absolutely and 
 demonstratively certain that this might is added to us from above, 
 or whetlier some Potentate from an opposite quarter may not 
 have a finger in it, as there are few pies into which his meildling 
 digits are not thrust. Would the Sanctifier and Setter-apart of 
 the seventh day have assisted in a victory gained on the Sabbath, 
 as was one in the late war ? Or has that day become less an ob- 
 ject of his especial care since the year 1697, when so manifest a 
 providence occurred to Mr. William Trowbridge, in answer to 
 whose prayers, when he and all on shipboard Mith him were 
 starving, a dolphin was sent daily, " wliicli was enough to serve 
 'em ; only on Saturdays tliey still catched a couple, and on the
 
 30 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Lord's Dmjs tliey could catch none at all " 1 Haply they might 
 have been permitted, by way of mortification, to take some few 
 sculpins (those bancs of the salt-water angler), which unseemly 
 fish would, moreover, have conveyed to them a symbolical reproof 
 for their breach of the day, being known in the rude dialect of our 
 mariners as Cape Cod Clergymen. \ 
 
 It has been a refreshment to many nice consciences to know 
 that our Chief Magistrate would not regard with eyes of approval 
 the (by many esteemed) sinful pastime of dancing, and I o^\^l 
 myself to be so far of that mind, that I could not but set my face 
 against this Mexican Polka, though danced .to the Presidential 
 piping with a Gubernatorial second. If ever the couuti-y should 
 be seized with another such mania de propagandd Jide, I think it 
 would be wise to fill our bombshells with alternate copies of the 
 Cambridge Platfonn and the Thirty-nine Articles, which would 
 produce a mixture of the highest explosive power, and to wrap 
 every one of our cannon-balls in a leaf of the New Testament, 
 the reading of which is denied to those who sit in the darkness of 
 Popery. Those iron evangelists would thus be able to dissemi- 
 nate vital religion and Gospel truth in quarters inaccessible to the 
 ordinary missionary. I have seen lads, unimpregnate with the 
 more sublimated punctiliousness of Walton, secure pickerel, 
 taking their unwary siesto beneath the lily-pads too nigli the sui-- 
 face, with a gun and small shot. "VVliy not, then, since gunpowder 
 was unknown to the Apostles (not to enter hei-e upon the question 
 whether it were discovered Jjcfore that period by the Chinese), 
 suit our metaphor to the age \p. which we live and say shooters as 
 well as fishei-s of men 1 
 
 I do much fear that we shall be seized now and then with a 
 Protestant fervor, as long as we have neighbour Naboths whoso
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 31 
 
 walloM-ings iu Papistical mire excite our liorror in exact propor- 
 tion to the size and desirableness of their vineyards. Yet I rejoice 
 that some earnest Protestants have been made by this war, — I 
 mean those ^vho i)rotcsted against it. Fewer they were than I 
 could wish, for one might imagine Ariierica to have been colonized 
 by a tribe of those nondescript African animals the Aye-Ayes, so 
 difficult a word is jVo to us all. There is some malformation or 
 defect of the vocal organs, which either prevents our uttering it at 
 all, or gives it so thick a prommciation as to be unintelligible. A 
 mouth filled -with the national pudding, or watering in expectation 
 tliereof, is wholly incompetent to this refractory monosyllable. 
 An abject and herpetic Public Opinion is the Pope, the Anti- 
 Christ, for us to protest against e corde cordium. Ami by wliat 
 College of Cardinals is this our God's-\-icar, our binder and 
 looser, elected ? Very like, by the sacred conclave of Tag, Rag, 
 and Bobtail, in the gracious atmosphere of the grog-sliop. Yet it 
 is of this that we must all be puppets. This thumps the pulpit- 
 cushion, this guides the editor's pen, this wags the senator's tongiie. 
 This decides what Scriptures are canonical, and shuffles Christ 
 away into the Apocryjjha. According to that sentence fathei-ed 
 upon Solon, Ovrw trjfiocriov kukov ep-^erai otKoS' iKacrTO). This 
 unclean spirit is skilful to assume various shapes. I have known 
 it to enter my o^vn study and nudge my elbow of a Saturday, 
 under the semblance of a wealthy member of my congregation 
 It were a great blessing, if every particular of what in the sum we 
 call popular sentiment could carry about the name of its manu- 
 facturer stamped legibly upon it. I gave a stab under the fifth 
 rib to that pestilent fallacy, — " Our country, right or wrong," — by 
 tracing its original to a speech of Ensign Cilley at a dinner of the 
 Bungtown Fenciblcs. — H. W.]
 
 ]So. III. 
 WHAT MR. ROBINSON THINKS. 
 
 [A FEW remarks on the following verses will not be out of 
 place. The satire in them was not meant to have any personal, 
 but only a general, application. Of the gentleman upon whose 
 letter they were intended as a commentary Mr. Biglow had never 
 heard, till he saw the letter itself. The position of the satirist is 
 oftentimes one which he would not have chosen, had the election 
 been left to himself. la attacking bad principles, he is obliged to 
 select some individual who has made himself their exponent, and 
 in whom they are impersonate, to the end that what he says may 
 not, through ambiguity, be dissipated tmties in auras. For what 
 says Seneca ? Lovgum iter per proecepta, breve et efficace per exempla. 
 A bad principle is comparatively haiTnless while it contimies to be 
 an abstraction, nor can the general mind comprehend it fully till it 
 is printed in that large tj-pe which all men can read at sight, 
 namely, the life and character, the sajdngs and doings, of particu- 
 lar persons. It is one of the cunningest fetches of Satan, that he 
 never exposes himself directly to our arrows, but, still dodging 
 behind this neighbour or that acquaintance, compels us ro wound 
 him through them, if at all. He holds our affections as hostages, 
 the wliile he patches up a tnice with our conscience.
 
 THE BIRLOW PAPERS. 33 
 
 Meanwhile, let us not forget tliat tlic aim of the true satirist is 
 not to be severe upon persons, but only upon talschooil, and, as 
 Truth and Falsehood start from the same point, and sometimes 
 even go along together for a little way, his business is to follow 
 the path of the hitter after it diverges, and to sliow her floundering 
 in the hog at the end of it. Truth is (juite beyond the reach of 
 satire. There is so brave a si-mplieity in her, that she can no 
 more be made ridiculous than an oak or a pine. The danger 
 of the satirist is, that continual use may deaden his sensibility to 
 the force of language. He becomes more and more liable to 
 strike harder than he knows or intends. He may be careful to put 
 on his boxing-gloves, and yet forget, that, the older they grow, the 
 more ]ilainly may the knuckles inside be felt. JMorcovcr, in the 
 heat of contest, the eye is insensibly dra^vn to the crown of victory, 
 whose tawdry tinsel glitters through that dust of tlie ring which 
 obscures Truth's wreath of simi)le leaves. I have sometimes 
 thought that my young friend, ]\Ir. Biglow, needed a monitory 
 hand laid on liis arm, — aliquid siifflaminandus erat. I have never 
 tliought it good husbandry to water the tender plants of reform 
 with aquafortis, yet, where so much is to do in the beds, he were a 
 son-y gai-dener who should wage a wliole day's war witli an u-on 
 scuffle on those ill weeds that make the garden-walks of life un- 
 sightly, when a sprinkle of Attic salt will wither them up. Est 
 ars etiam ma'edicendi, says Scaliger, and truly it is a hard thing to 
 say where the graceful gentleness of the lamb merges in down- 
 right sheepishness. We may conclude with worthy and wise 
 Dr. Fuller, that " one may be a lamb in private wrongs, but iu 
 hearing general afFrojits to goodness they are asses which ai-e not 
 Hons." — H. W.]
 
 31 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 GuvENER B. is a sensible man ; 
 
 He stays to his home an' looks arter bis folks; 
 He draws his furrer ez straight ez he can, 
 An' into nobody's tater-patch pokes ; — 
 But John P. 
 Robinson he 
 Sez he wunt vote fer Guvener B. 
 
 My ! aint it terrible ? Wut shall we du ? 
 
 We can't never choose him, o' course, — thet 's Hat ; 
 Guess we shall hev to come round, (don't you ? ) 
 An' go in fer thunder an' guns, an' all that ; 
 Fer John P. 
 Robinson he 
 Sez he wunt vote fer Guvener B. 
 
 * 
 
 Gineral C. is a dredle smart man : 
 
 He 'sben on all sides thet give places or pelf; 
 But consistency still wuz a part of his plan, — 
 
 He 'sben true to 07ie party, — an' thet is himself: — 
 So John P. 
 Robinson he 
 Sez he shall vote fer Gineral C.
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 35 
 
 Gineral C. he goes in fer the war ; 
 
 He don't vally principle more 'n an old cud ; 
 Wut did God make us raytional creeturs fer, 
 But glory an' gunpowder, plunder an' blood ? 
 So John P. 
 Kobinson he 
 Sez he shall vote fer Gineral C. 
 
 We were gittin' on nicely up here to our village, 
 
 AVith good old idees o' wut 's right an' wut aint, 
 We kind o' thought Christ went agin war an' pillage, 
 An' thet eppyletts worn't the best mark of a saint ; 
 But John P. 
 Robinson he 
 Sez this kind o' thing 's an exploded idee. 
 
 The side of our country must oilers be took. 
 
 An' Prcsidunt Polk, you know, he is our country ; 
 An' the angel thet writes all our sins in a book 
 Puts the debit to him, an' to us the per contry ; 
 An' John P. 
 Robinson he 
 Sez this is his view o* the thinir to a T.
 
 3G THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Parson Wilbur he calls all these argimunts lies ; 
 
 Sez they 're nothin' on airth hut jest fee, f aw, fum ; 
 An' thet all this big talk of our destinies 
 
 Is half on it ignorance, an' t'other half rum ; 
 But John P. 
 Robinson he 
 Sez it aint no sech thing ; an', of course, so must we. 
 
 Parson Wilbur sez he never heerd in his life 
 
 Thet th' Apostles rigged out in their swaller-tail coats 
 An' marched round in front of a drum an' a fife, 
 To git some on 'em office, an' some on 'em votes ; 
 But John P. 
 Robinson he 
 Sez they did n't know every thin' down in Judee. 
 
 Wal, it 's a marcy we 've gut folks to tell us 
 
 The rights an' the wrongs o' these matters,! vow, — 
 God sends country lawyers, an' other wise fellers, 
 To drive the world's team wen it gits in a slouglx ; 
 • Fer John P. 
 Robinson he 
 Sez the world '11 go right, ef he hollers out Gee !
 
 THE EIGLOW P.APERS. 37 
 
 [The attentive reader will doubtless have perceived in the forego- 
 ing poem an allusion to that pernicious sentiment, — " Our country, 
 right or wrong." It is an abuse of language to call a certain por- 
 tion of land, much more, certain personages elevated for the time 
 being to high station, our country. I would not sever nor loosen 
 a single one of those ties by which we are united to the spot of 
 our liirth, nor minisli by a tittle the respect due to the Magistrate. 
 I love our own Bay State too well to do the one, and as for the 
 other, I have myself for nigh forty years exercised, however un- 
 worthily, the function of Justice of the Peace, having been called 
 thereto by the unsolicited kindness of that most excellent man and 
 upright patriot, Caleb Strong. Patrice Junius igne alieno luciilentior 
 is best qualified with this, — Ubi Ubertus, ibi patria. We are in- 
 habitants of two worlds, and owe a double, but not a divided, alle- 
 giance. In virtue of oixr clay, this little ball of earth exacts a 
 certain loyalty of us, while, in our capacity as spirits, we are ad- 
 mitted citizens of an invisible and holier fiitherland. There is a 
 patriotism of the soul whose claim absolves us from our other and 
 terrene fealty. Our true country is that ideal realm which we 
 represent to ourselves under the names of religion, duty, and the 
 like. Our terrestrial organizations are but far-off approaches to so 
 fair a model, and all they are verily traitors who resist not any at- 
 tempt to divert tlicni from this their original intendment. "Wlicn, 
 therefore, one would have us to fling up our caps and shout with 
 the multitude, — " 0«r country, hoivever bounded!" he demands 
 of us that Ave sacrifice the larger to the less, the higher to the 
 lower, and that we yield to the imaginary claims of a few acres 
 of soil our duty and privilege as liegemen of Truth. Our tnie 
 coimtry is bounded on the north and the south, on the east and 
 the west, by Justice, and when she oversteps that invisible
 
 I}8 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 boundaiy-line by so much as a hair's-breadth, she ceases to be our 
 mother, and chooses rather to be looked upon quasi noverca. That 
 is a hard choice, when our earthly love of country calls u]jon us to 
 tread one path and our duty points us to another. We must 
 make as noble and becoming an election as did Penelope between 
 Icarius and Ulysses. Veiling our faces, we must take silently tlie 
 hand of Duty to follow her. 
 
 Shortly after tlie publication of the foregoing poem, there ap- 
 peared some comments upon it in one of the public prints which 
 seemed to call for some animadversion. I accordingly addressed 
 to JNIr. Buckingham, of the Boston Courier, the following letter. 
 
 " Jaalam, November 4, 1847. 
 " To the Editor of the Courier : 
 
 "Respected Sir, — Calling at the post-office this morning, 
 our worthy and efficient postmaster off'cred for my perusal a para- 
 graph in the Boston Morning Tost of the 3d instant, wherein cer- 
 tain eff"usions of the pastoral muse are attributed to the pen of 
 Mr. James Russell Lowell. For aught I know or can affirm to 
 the contrary, this Mr. Lowell may be a very deserving person and 
 a youth of parts (though I have seen verses of his which I 
 could never riglitly understand) ; and if he be such, he, I am 
 certain, as well as I, would be free from auy proclivity to appro- 
 priate to himself whatever of credit (or discredit) may honestly 
 belong to another. I am confident, that, in penning these few 
 lines, I am only forestalling a disclaimer fiom tliat young gentle- 
 man, whose silence hitherto, when rumor pointed to himward, has 
 excited in my bosom mingled emotions of sorrow and surprise. 
 Well may my young parishioner, Mr. Biglow, exclaim with the 
 
 poet, 
 
 'Sic V03 rion vobis ' &:c. j
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 39 
 
 though, in saying tliis, I would not convey the impression that he 
 is a proficient in the Latin tongue, — the tongue, I might add, of a 
 Horace and a Tully. 
 
 "Mr. B. does not employ his pen, I can safely say, for any lucre 
 of worldly gain, or to be exalted by the carnal plaudits of men, 
 digiti monstmri, &c. He does not wait upon Providence for mer- 
 cies, and in his heart mean merces. But I should esteem myself as 
 verily deficient in my duty (who am his friend and in some un- 
 worthy sort his spiritual Jidus Achates, fcc), if I did not step for- 
 ward to claim for him whatever measure of applause might be 
 assigned to him by the judicious. 
 
 " If this were a fitting occasion, I miglit venture here a brief dis- 
 sertation touching the manner and kind of my young friend's 
 poetry. But I dubitate whether this abstruser sort of speculation 
 (though enlivened by some apposite instances from Aristophanes) 
 would sufficiently interest your oppidan readers. As regards their 
 satirical tone, and their plainness of si)cech, I will only say, that, 
 in my pastoral experience, I have found that the Arch-Enemy 
 loves nothing better than to be treated as a religious, moral, and 
 intellectual being, and that there is no apac/e Satkanas I so potent 
 as ridicule. But it is a kind of weapon that must have a button 
 of good-nature on the point of it. 
 
 " The productions of Mr. B. liave been stigmatized in some 
 quarters as unpatriotic ; hut I can vouch that he loves liis native soil 
 with that hearty, though discriminating, attachment which springs 
 from an intimate social intercourse of many years' standing. In 
 the ploughing season, no one has a deeper share in the well-being 
 of the country than he. If Dean Swift were right in saying that 
 ne who makes two V)lades of grass grow where one grew licfore 
 confers a greater benefit on the state than lie who taketli a city,
 
 40 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Mr. B. might exhibit a fairer cUiim to the Presidency than General 
 Scott himself. I think that some of those disinterested lovers of 
 the hard-handed democracy, whose fingers have never touched 
 any thing rougher than the dollars of our common country, would 
 hesitate to compare palms with him. It would do your heart 
 good, respected Sir, to see that young man mow. He cuts a 
 cleaner and wider swarth than any in this town. 
 
 " But it is time for me to be at my Post. It is very clear that 
 my young friend's shot has struck the lintel, for the Post is shaken 
 (Amos ix. 1). The editor of that paper is a strenuous advocate 
 of the Mexican war, and a colonel, as I am given to understand. 
 I presume, that, being necessarily absent in Mexico, he has left his 
 journal in some less judicious hands. At any rate, the Post has 
 been too swift on this occasion. It could hardly have cited a more 
 incontrovertible line from any poem than that which it has select- 
 ed for animadversion, namely, — 
 
 ' We kind o' thought Christ went agin war an' pillage.' 
 
 "If the Post maintains the converse of this proposition, it can 
 hardly be considered as a safe guidc-jjost for the moral and relig- 
 ious portions of its party, however many other excellent qualities 
 of a post it may be blessed with. There is a sign in London on 
 which is painted, — ' The Green Man.' It would do very well as 
 a portrait of any individual who would supjiort so unscriptural a 
 tl>esis. As regards the Innguagc of the line in question. I am 
 bold to say that He who readeth the hearts of men will not ac- 
 count any dialect unseemly wliich conveys a sound and ])ious 
 sentiment. I could wish that such sentiments were. more common, 
 however uncouthly expressed. Saint Ambrose affirms, that Veritas 
 a qiwmnque (why not, then, qiwmodocunque ? ) dicalur, a spi.ritu
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 41 
 
 sancto est. Digest also tliis of Baxtei' : — ' The plainest words are 
 the most profitable oratory in the weightiest matters.' 
 
 " When the paragraph in qnestion was shown to Mr. Blglow, 
 the only part of it which seemed to give him any dissatisfaction 
 was that which classed him with the Whig party. He says, that, 
 if resolutions are a nourishing kind of diet, that party must be in 
 a very hearty and flourishing condition ; for that they have quietly 
 eaten more good ones of their o^vn baking than he could have 
 conceived to be possible without repletion. He has been for some 
 years past (I regret to say) an ardent opponent of those sound 
 doctrines of protective policy which form so prominent a portion 
 of the creed of that party. I confess, that, in some discussions 
 which I have had with him on this ])oint in my study, he has dis- 
 played a vein of obstinacy wliich I had not hitherto detected in 
 his composition. He is also (horresco referens) infected in no small 
 measure with the peculiar notions of a print called the Liberator, 
 whose heresies I take every proper opportunity of combating, and 
 of which, I thank God, I have never read a single line. 
 
 " I did not see Mr. B.'s verses until they appeared in print, and 
 there is certainly one thing in them which I consider highly im- 
 proper. I allude to the personal references to myself by name. 
 To confer notoriety on an humble individual who is laboring 
 quietly in his vocation, and who keeps his cloth as free as he can 
 from the dust of the political arena (though vce mild si non evan- 
 gelizavero), is no doubt an indecorum. The sentiments which he 
 attributes to me I will not deny to be mine. They were em- 
 bodied, though in a ditTerent form, in a discourse preached upon 
 the last day of pul)lic tasting, and were acceptable to my entire 
 people (of whatever political views), exce])t the postmaster, who 
 dissented ex officio. I observe that you sometimes devote a por-
 
 42 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 tioii of your paper to a rclijrious summary. I should be well 
 pleased to furnish a copy of my discourse for insertion in this 
 department of your instructive journal. By omitting the adver- 
 tisements, it might easily be got within the limits of a single 
 number, and I venture to insure you tlie sale of some scores of 
 co;iies in this to\m. I will cheerfully render myself responsible 
 for ten. It might possibly be advantageous to issue it as an extra. 
 But perhaps you will not esteem it an object, and I will not press 
 it. My offer does not spring from any weak desire of seeing my 
 name in print ; for I can enjoy this satisfaction at any time by 
 turning to the Triennial Catalogue of the University, where it 
 also possesses that added emphasis of Italics with which those of 
 my calling are distinguished. 
 
 "I would simidy add, that I continue to fit ingenuous youth for 
 college, and that I have two spacious and airy sleeping apart- 
 ments at this moment unoccupied. Ingenuas didicisse, &.c. Tcnn.s, 
 •which \^ary according to the circumstances of the parents, may be 
 known on application to me by letter, post paid. In all cases the 
 lad will be expected to fetch his own towels. Tills rule, Mrs. W. 
 desires me to add, has no exceptions. 
 
 " Respectfully, your obedient servant, 
 
 "HOMER WILBUR, A. M. 
 
 "P. S. Perhaps the last paragraph may look like an attempt 
 to obtain the insertion of my circular gratuitously. If it should 
 appear to you in tliat light, I desire that you ^vould erase it, or 
 charge for it at the usual rates, and deduct the amount from the 
 proceeds in your hands from the sale of my discourse, when it 
 shall be printed. My circular is much longer and more explicit, 
 and \\ill be forwarded without charge to any who may desire it.
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 43 
 
 It has been very neatly executed on a letter sheet, by a very tie 
 serving printer, who attends upon my ministry, and is a creditable 
 specimen of the typographic art. I have one hung over my 
 mantclj)ieec in a neat frame, where it makes a beautiful and ap- 
 propriate ornament, and balances the profile of Mj.-s. W., cut with 
 her toes by the young Uidy born without arms. H. "NV." 
 
 I have in the foregoing letter mentioned General Scott in con- 
 nection witli the Presidency, because I have been given to under- 
 stand that he has blown to pieces and otherwise caused to be de- 
 stroyed more Mexicans than any other commander. His claim 
 would therefore be deservedly considered the strongest. Until 
 accurate returns of the Mexican killed, wounded, and maimed be 
 obtained, it will be difficult to settle these nice ]juiiits of prece- 
 dence. Should it prove that anj^ other otfieer has been more 
 meritorious and destructive than General S., and has thereby ren- 
 dered himself more worthy of the confidence and supi)ort of the 
 conservative portion of our community, I shall cheerfully insert 
 his name, instead of that of General S., in a future edition. It 
 may be thought, likewise, that General S. has invalidated his 
 claims by too much attention to the decencies of a])parel, and the 
 habits belonging to a gentleman. These abstruser points of 
 statesmanship are beyond my scope. I wonder not that success- 
 ful military achievement should attract the admiration of the 
 multitude. Rather do I rejoice with wonder to behold bow rap- 
 idly this sentiment is losing its hold upon the po])ular mind. It 
 is related of Thomas Warton, the second of that honored name 
 who held the office of Poetry Professor at Oxford, that, when one 
 wished to find him, being absconded, as was his wont, in some ob- 
 scure alehouse, he was counselled to traverse the city with a Ciiiun
 
 41 THE BIGLOW PAPERS, 
 
 and fife, the sound of which inspiring music -would be sure to 
 draw the Doctor from his retirement into the street. We are all 
 more or less bitten with this martial insanity. Nescio qua dulce- 
 
 dine cunctos ducit. I confess to some infection of that itch 
 
 myself. Wlien I see a Brigadier-General maintaining his insecure 
 elevation in the saddle under the severe fire of the training-field, 
 and wlien I remember that some military enthusiasts, through 
 haste, inexperience, or an over-desire to lend reality to those 
 fictitious combats, will sometimes discharge their ramrods, I {;an- 
 not but admire, while I de])Iore, the mistaken devotion of those 
 heroic officers. Semel msanivimus omnes. I was myself, during 
 the late war with Great Britain, chaplain of a regiment, which was 
 fortunately never called to active military duty. I mention this 
 circumstance with regret rather tluin pride. Had I been sum- 
 moned to actual warfare, I trust that I might have been strength- 
 ened to bear myself after the manner of that reverend father in 
 our New England Israel, Dr. Benjamin Colman, who, as we are 
 told in TurcU's life of him, when the vessel in which he had taken 
 passage for England was attacked l)y a French privateer, " fought 
 
 like a philosopher and a Christian, and prayed all the while 
 
 he charged and fired." As this note is already long, I shall not 
 here enter upon a discussion of tlie question, whether Christians 
 may lawfully be soldiers. I tliink it sufficiently evident, that, 
 daring the first two centuries of the Christian era, at least, the 
 two professions were esteemed incompatible. Consult Jortin on 
 thishcad. — H. W.]
 
 No. IV.- 
 
 REMARKS OF INCREASE D. o'PHACE, ESQUIRE, AT AN 
 EXTUUMPERY CAUCUS IN STATE STREET, REPORTED 
 BY ME. H. BIGLOW. 
 
 [The ingenious reader will at once understand that no such 
 speech as the following was ever tot idem verbis pronounced. But 
 there are simpler and less guarded wits, for the satisfying of 
 which such an explanation may be needful. For there are certain 
 invisible lines, which as Truth successively overpasses, she be- 
 comes Untruth to one and another of us, as a large river, flowing 
 from one kingdom into another, sometimes takes a new name, 
 albeit the waters undergo no change, how small soever. There is, 
 moreover, a truth of fiction more veracious than the truth of fact, 
 as that of the Poet, which represents to us things and events as 
 they ought to be, rather than servilely copies them as they are 
 imperfectly imaged in the crooked and smoky glass of our mun- 
 dane atfairs. It is this which makes the speech of Antonius, 
 though originally spoken in no wider a forum than the brain of 
 Shakspeare, more historically valuable than that other which 
 Appian has reported, by as much as the understanding of the 
 Englishman was more comprehensive than that of the Alexan 
 drian. IVIr. Biglow, in the present instance, has only made use ot 
 a license assumed by all the historians of antiquity, who put into 
 the mouths of vaiious characters such words as seem to them
 
 46 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 most fitting to the occasion and to tlie spcaivcr. If it be objected 
 that no such oration could ever liave been delivered, I answer, that 
 there are few assemblages for speech-making which do not better 
 deserve the title of ParUanientum Indoctorum than did the sixth 
 Parliament of Henry the Fourth, and that men still continue to 
 have as much faith in the Oracle of Fools as ever Pantagruel had. 
 Howell, in his letters, recounts a merry tale of a certain ambassa- 
 dor of Queen Elizabeth, who, having written two letters, one to 
 her Majesty and the other to his wife, directed them at cross- 
 purposes, so that the Queen was beducked 'and bedeared and re- 
 quested to send a change of hose, and the wife was beprincessed 
 and otherwise unwontcdly besuperlatived, till the one feared for 
 the Avits of her ambassador, the other for those of her husband. 
 In like manner it may be presumed that our speaker has mis- 
 directed some of his thoughts, and given to the whole theatre 
 what he would have wished to confide only to a select auditory at 
 the back of the curtain. For it is seldom that we can get any 
 frank utterance from men, who address, for the most part, a Bun- 
 combe either in this world or the next. As for their audiences, it 
 may be truly said of our people, that they enjoy one political insti- 
 tution in common with the ancient Athenians : I mean a certain 
 profitless kind of ostracism, wherewith, nevertheless, they seem hith- 
 erto well enough content. For in Presidential elections, and other 
 affairs of the sort, wliereas I observe that the oysters fall to the lot 
 of com])aratively few, the shflls (such as the privileges of voting as 
 they are told to do by the ostrwori aforesaid, and of huzzaing at 
 pul)lic meetings) are veiy liberally distributed among the people, 
 as being their prescriptive and quite suflSeient portion. 
 
 The occasion of the speech is supposed to be Mr. Palfrey's re- 
 fusal to vote for flie Whig candidate for the Speakership. — H. W.]
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 47 
 
 No ? Hez he ? He haint, though ? Wut ? Voted 
 
 agin him ? 
 Ef the bird of our country could ketch him, she 'd 
 
 skin him ; 
 I seem 's though I see her, with wrath m each quill, 
 Like a chancery lawyer, afilin' her bill, 
 An' grindin' her talents ez sharp ez all nater, 
 To pounce like a writ on the back o' the trailer. 
 Forgive me, my friends, ef I seem to be het, 
 But a crisis like this must with vigor be met ; 
 Wen an Arnold the star-spangled banner bestains, 
 HoU Fourth o' Julys seem to bile in my veins. 
 
 Who ever 'd ha' thought sech a pisonous rig 
 
 Would be run by a chap thet wuz chose fer a Wig? 
 
 " We knovved wut his principles wuz 'fore we sent him " ? 
 
 Wut wuz ther in them from this vote to pervent him ? 
 
 A ni.arciful Providunce fashioned us holler 
 
 O' purpose thet we might our principles swaller ; 
 
 It can hold any quantity on 'em, the belly can. 
 
 An' bring 'em up ready fer use like the pelican,
 
 48 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Or more like the kangaroo, who (\vich is stranger) 
 Puts her family into her pouch wen there 's danger. 
 Aint principle precious .' then, who 's goin' to use it 
 Wen there 's resk o' some chap's gittin' up to abuse it ? 
 I can't tell the wy on 't, but nolhin' is so sure 
 Ez thet principle kind o' gits spiled by exposure ;* 
 A man thet lets all sorts o' folks git a sight on 't 
 Ough' to hev it all took right away, every mite on 't ; 
 Ef he can't keep it all to himself wen it 's wise to, 
 He aint one it 's fit to trust nothin' so nice to. 
 
 Besides, ther 's a wonderful power in latitude 
 To shift a man's morril relations an' attitude ; 
 
 * The speaker is of a different mind from Tullv, who, in his 
 recently discovered tractate De Repuhlicd, tells us, — Nee vero habere 
 vtrtutem satis est, quasi artem aliqnam, 7iisi xttare, and from our Mil-: 
 ton, wlio says, — " I cannot praise a fugitive and cloistered virtue, 
 unexercised and unbreathed, that never sallies out and sees her 
 adversary, but slinks out of the race where that immortal garland 
 is to be iTin for, not without dust and heat." — Ai-eop. lie liad taken 
 the words out of the Roman's mouth, without knowng it, and 
 might well exclaim with Austin (if a saint's name may stand 
 sponsor for a curse), Pereant 'mi ante nos nostra dixerint ! — H. W.
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 49 
 
 Some flossifers think tlict a fakkilty 's granted 
 
 The minnit it 's proved to be thoroughly wanted, 
 
 Thet a chanse o' demand makes a change o' condition 
 
 An' thet everythin' 's nothin' except by position ; 
 
 Ez, fer instance, thet rubber-trees fust begun bearin' 
 
 Wen p'litickle consliunces come into wearin', — 
 
 Thet the fears of a monkey, whose holt chanced to fail, 
 
 Drawed the vertibry out to a prehensile tail ; 
 
 So, wen one 's chose to Congriss, ez soon ez he 's in it, 
 
 A collar grows right round his neck in a minnit, 
 
 An' sartin it is thet a man cannot be strict 
 
 In bein' himself, wen he gits to the Deestrict, 
 
 Fer a coat thet sets vval here in ole Massachusetts, 
 
 Wen it gits on to Washinton, somehow askew sets. 
 
 Resolves, do you say, o' the Springfield Convention } 
 Thet 's percisely the pint I was goin' to mention ; 
 Resolves air a thing we most gen'ally keep ill. 
 They 're a cheap kind o' dust fer the eyes o' the 
 
 people ; 
 A parcel o' delli"gits jest git together 
 An' chat fer a spell o' the crops an' the weather, 
 4
 
 50 
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Then, comin' to order, they squabble awile 
 
 An' let off the speeches they 're ferful '11 spile ; 
 
 Then — Resolve, — Thet we vvunt hev an inch o' slave 
 
 territory ; 
 Thet President Polk's hoU perceedins air very tory ; 
 Thet the war 's a damned war, an' them thet enlist in it 
 Should hev a cravat with a dreflle tight twist in it ; 
 Thet the war is a war fer the spreadin' o' slavery ; 
 Thet our army desarves our best thanks fer their bravery ; 
 Thet we 're the original friends o' the nation. 
 All the rest air a paltry an' base fabrication ; 
 Thet we highly respect Messrs. A, B, an' C, 
 An' ez deeply despise Messrs. E, F, an' G. 
 In this way they go to the eend o' the chapter, 
 An' then they bust out in a kind of a raptur 
 About their own vartoo, an' folks's stone-blindness 
 To the men thet 'ould actilly do 'em a kindness, — 
 The American eagle, the Pilgrims thet landed, 
 Till on ole Plymouth Rock they git finally stranded. 
 Wal, the people they listen and say, " Thet 's the ticket 
 Ez fer Mexico, t'aint no great glory to lick it. 
 But 't would be a darned shame to go puUin' o' triggers 
 To extend the aree of abusin' the niggers."
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 51 
 
 So they march hi percessions, an' git up hooraws, 
 An' tramp thru the mud fer the good o' the cause. 
 An' think they 're a kind o' fulfillin' the prophecies, 
 AVen they 're on'y jest changin' the holders of offices ; 
 Ware A sot afore, B is comf'tably seated, 
 One humbug 's victor'ous, an' t'other defeated. 
 Each honnable dougliface gits jest wut he axes. 
 An' the people — their annooal soft sodder an' taxes. 
 
 Now, to keep unimpaired all these glorious feeturs 
 
 Thet characterize morril an' reasonin' creeturs, 
 
 Thet give every paytriot all he can cram, 
 
 Thet oust the untrustworthy Presidunt Flam, 
 
 And stick honest Presidunt Sham in his place, 
 
 To the manifest gain o' the holl human race. 
 
 An' to some indervidgewals on 't in partickler, 
 
 Who love Public Opinion an' know how to tickle her, — 
 
 I say thet a party with great aims like these 
 
 Must stick jest ez close ez a hive full o' bees. 
 
 I 'm willin' a man should go tollable strong 
 
 Agin wrong in the abstract, fer thet kind o' wrong
 
 52 
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Is oilers unpop'lar an' never gits pitied, 
 
 Because it 's a crime no one never committed ; 
 
 But he mus' n't be hard on partickler sins, 
 
 Coz then he'll be kickin' the people's own shins ; 
 
 On'y look at the Demmercrats, see wut they 've done 
 
 Jest simply by stickin' together like fun ; 
 
 They 've sucked us right into a mis'able war 
 
 Thet no one on airth aint responsible for ; 
 
 They 've run us a hunderd cool millions in debt, 
 
 (An' fer Demmercrat Homers ther 's good plums left yet ), 
 
 They talk agin tayrifTs, but act fer a high one. 
 
 An' so coax all parties to build up their Zion ; 
 
 To the people they 're oilers ez slick ez molasses, 
 
 An' butter their bread on both sides with The Masses, 
 
 Half o' whom they 've persuaded, by way of a joke, 
 
 Thet Washinton's mantelpiece fell upon Polk. 
 
 Now all o' these blessins the Wigs might enjoy, 
 
 Ef they'd gumption enough the right means to imploy ;* 
 
 * That WHS a pithy saying of Persius, and fits our politicians 
 ■without a wrinkle, — Mayister artis, inyeniique laryitor venter. — 
 H. W.
 
 THE BIG LOW PAPEKS. 53 
 
 Fer the silver spoon born in Dermocracy's mouth 
 
 Is a kind of a scringe thet they hev to the South ; 
 
 Their masters can cuss 'em an' kick 'em an' wale 'em, 
 
 An' they notice it less 'an the ass did to Balaam ; 
 
 In this way they screw into second-rate offices 
 
 Wich the slaveholder thinks 'ould substract too much 
 
 ofT his ease ; 
 The file-leaders, I mean, du, fer they, by their wiles. 
 Unlike the old viper, grow fat on their files. 
 Wal, the Wigs hev been try in' to grab all this prey 
 
 frum 'em 
 An' to hook this nice spoon o' good fortin' away frum 'em, 
 An' they might ha' succeeded, ez likely ez not, 
 In lickin' the Demmercrats all round the lot, 
 Ef it warn't thet, wile all faithful Wigs were their 
 
 knees on, 
 Some stuffy old codger would holler out, — " Treason ! 
 You must keep a sharp eye on a dog thet hez bit you 
 
 once. 
 An' I aint aooin' to cheat my constitoounts," — 
 Wen every fool knows thet a man represents 
 Nut the fellers thet sent him, but (hem on the fence, —
 
 54 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Impartially ready to jump either side 
 
 An' make the fust use of a turn o' the tide, — 
 
 The waiters on Providunce here in the city, 
 
 Who compose wut they call a State Centerl Commltty. 
 
 Constitoounts air hendy to help a man in, 
 
 But arterwards don't weigh the heft of a pin. 
 
 Wy, the people can't all live on Uncle Sam's pus, 
 
 So they 've nothin' to du with 't fer better or wus ; 
 
 It 's the folks thet air kind o' brought up to depend on 't 
 
 Thet hev any consarn in 't, an' thet is the end on 't. 
 
 Now here wuz New England ahevin' the honor 
 
 Of a chance at the Speakership showered upon her ; — 
 
 Do you say, — " She don't want no more Speakers, 
 
 but fewer ; 
 She 's hed plenty o' them, wut she wants is a doer'''' ? 
 Fer the matter o' thet, it 's notorous in town 
 Thet her own representatives du her quite brown. 
 But thet 's nothin' to du with it ; wut right hed Palfrey 
 To mix himself* up with fanatical small fry ? 
 Warn't we gittin' on prime with our hot an' cold blowing 
 Acondemnin' the war wilst we kcp' it agoin' ?
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. OO 
 
 We 'd assumed with gret skill a commandin' position, 
 On this side or thet, no one could n't tell wich one, 
 So, wutever side wipped, we 'd a chance at the plunder 
 An' could sue fer infringin' our paytented thunder; 
 We were ready to vote fer whoever wuz eligible, 
 Ef on all pints at issoo he 'd stay unintelligible. 
 Wal, sposin' we hed to gulp down our perfessions, 
 We were ready to come out next mornin' whh fresl 
 
 ones; 
 Besides, ef we did, 't was our business alone, 
 Fer could n't we du wut we would with our own ? 
 An' ef a man can, wen pervisions hev riz so, 
 Eat up his own words, it 's a marcy it is so. 
 
 Wy, these chaps frum the North, with back-bones to 
 
 'em, darn 'em, 
 'Ould be wuth more 'an Gennle Tom Thumb is to 
 
 Barnum ; 
 Ther 's enough thet to office on this very plan grow, 
 By exhibitin' how very small a man can grow ; 
 But an M. C. frum here oilers hastens to state he 
 Belongs to the order called invertebraty,
 
 5H THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Wence some gret filologisls judge primy fashy 
 
 Thet M. C. is M. T. by paronomashy ; 
 
 An' these few exceptions air loosiis naytury 
 
 Folks 'ould put down their quarters to stare at, like fury 
 
 It 's no use to open the door o' success, 
 
 Ef a member can bolt so fer nothin' or less ; 
 
 Wy, all o' them grand constitootional pillers 
 
 Our four fathers fetched with 'em over the billers, 
 
 Them pillers the people so soundly hev slept on, 
 
 Wile to slav'ry, invasion, an' debt they were swept on, 
 
 "Wile our Destiny higher an' higher kep' mountin', 
 
 (Though I guess folks '11 stare wen she hends her 
 
 account in,) 
 Ef members in this way go kickin' agin 'em. 
 They wunt hev so much ez a feather left in 'em. 
 
 An', ez fer this Palfrey,* we thought wen we 'd gut 
 
 him in, 
 He 'd go kindly in wutcver harness we put him in ; 
 
 * There is truth yet in tliis of Juvenal, — 
 
 ' Dat veniam corvis, vexat ceiisura columbas."
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS, ' 57 
 
 Supposin' we did know thet he wuz a peace man ? 
 
 Doos he tliink he can be Uncle Samwell's policeman, 
 
 An' wen Sam gits tipsy an' kicks up a riot, 
 
 Lead him off to the lockup to snooze till he 's quiet ? 
 
 Wy, the war is a war thet true paytriots can bear, ef 
 
 It leads to the fat promised land of a tayriff; 
 
 We don't go an' fight it, nor aint to be driv on, 
 
 Nor Demmercrats nuther, thet hev wut to live on ; 
 
 Ef it aint jest the thing thet 's well pleasin' to God, 
 
 It makes us thought highly on elsewhere abroad ; 
 
 The Rooshian black ea^Ie looks blue in his eerie 
 
 An' shakes both his heads wen he hears d' Monteery ; 
 
 In the Tower Victory sets, all of a fluster, 
 
 An' reads, with locked doors, how we won Cherry 
 
 Buster ; 
 An' old Philip Lewis — thet come an' kep' school 
 
 here 
 Fer the mere sake o' scorin' his ryalist ruler 
 On the tenderest part of our kings infuturo — 
 Hides his crown underneadi an old shut in his bureau, 
 Breaks off in his brags to a suckle o' merry kings. 
 How he often hed hided young native Amerrikins,
 
 53 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 An', turnin' quite faint in the midst of his fooleries, 
 Sneaks down stairs to bolt tlie front door o' the Tooleries.* 
 
 You say, — " Wc' d ha' scared 'em by growin' in peace, 
 A plaguy sight more then by bobberies like these " ? 
 Who is it dares say thet " our naytional eagle 
 Wun't much longer be classed with the birds thet air 
 regal, 
 
 * Jortiu is willing to allow of other miracles besides those re- 
 corded in Holy Writ, and why not of other prophecies ? It is 
 granting too much to Satan to suppose him, as divers of the 
 learned have done, the inspirer of the ancient oracles. Wiser, I 
 esteem it, to give chance the credit of the successful ones. ^\liat 
 is said here of Loiii« Philippe wns verified in some of its minute 
 pariiculai-s within a few months' time. Enough to have made the 
 fortune of Delplii or Hammon, and no thanks to Beelzebub 
 neither ! That of Seneca in Medea will suit here : — 
 
 "Rapida fortiina ac levis, 
 Praecepsque regno eripuil, exsilio dedit." 
 
 Let us allow, even to richly deserved misfortune, our commis- 
 eration, and be not over-hasty meanwhile in our censure of the 
 French peo])le, left for the first time to govern themselves, re- 
 membering that wise sentence of iHschylus, — 
 
 ' Atvos 5e rpa^vs Cans ay vtov Kparrj, 
 
 H. W
 
 THE BIGLOW PArERS. 59 
 
 Coz theirn be hooked beaks, an' she, artcr this slaughter, 
 '11 bring back a bill ten times longer 'n she oiigh' to " ? 
 Wut 's your name ? Come, \ see ye, you up-country 
 
 feller, 
 You 've put me out severil times with your beller ; 
 Out with it ! Wut ? Biglow ? I say nothin' furder, 
 Thet feller would like nothin' better 'n a murder ; 
 He 's a traiter, blasphemer, an' wut ruther worse is, 
 He puts all his ath'ism in dreffle bad verses ; 
 Socity aint safe till sech monsters air out on it, 
 Refer to the Post, ef you hev the least doubt on it ; 
 Wy, he goes agin war, agin indirect taxes, 
 Agin sellin' wild lands 'cept to settlers with axes. 
 Agin holdin' o' slaves, though he knows it 's the 
 
 corner 
 Our libbaty rests on, the mis'able scorner! 
 In short, he would wholly upset with his ravages 
 All thet keeps us above the brute critters an' savages, 
 An' pitch into all kinds o' briles an' confusions 
 The holl of our civilized, free institutions ; 
 He writes fer thet rather unsafe print, the Courier, 
 An' likely ez not hez a squintin' to Foorier ;
 
 60 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 I 'll be , tl-.et is, I mean I '11 be blest, 
 
 Ef I hark to a word frum so noted a pest ; 
 I shan't talk with him, my religion 's too fervent. — 
 Good mornin', my friends, I 'm your most humble 
 servant. 
 
 [Into the question, whether the ahility to express ourselves in 
 articulate langunge has been produetive of more good or evil, I 
 sliall not here enter at large. Tlie two faculties of spceeh and 
 of speech-making are wholly diverse in their natures. By the first 
 we make ourselves intelligible, by the last unintelligible, to our 
 fellows. It has not seldom occurred to me (noting how in our 
 national legislature every thing runs to talk, as lettuces, if the 
 season or the soil be unpro])itious, shoot up lankly to seed, instead 
 of forming liandsome heads) that Babel was the first Congress, 
 the earliest mill erected for the manufacture of gabble. In these 
 days, what with Town Meetings, Sdiool Committees, Boards 
 (lumber) of one kind and another. Congresses, Parliaments, Diets, 
 Indian Councils, Palavers, and the like, there is scarce a village 
 wliich has not its factories of this description driven by (milk-and-) 
 water power. I cannot conceive the confusion of tongues to 
 have been the curse of Babel, since I esteem my ignorance of 
 other languages as a kind of Martello-tower, in which I am safe 
 from the furious bombardments of foreign garrulity. For this 
 reason I have ever preferred the study of the dead languages, 
 those primitive fonnations being Ararats upon whose silent peaks 
 I sit secure and watch this new delnge without fear, though it 
 rain figures [simulacra, semblances) of speech forty days and
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 61 
 
 nights top;ctlicr, as it not uncommonly happens. Thus is my ooat, 
 as it were, without buttons by which any but a vernacular wihl 
 bore can seize me. Is it not jjossible that the Shakers may intend 
 to convey a quiet reproof and hint, in fastening tlieir outer gar- 
 ments with hooks and eyes 1 
 
 This reflection concerning Babel, which I find in no Commen- 
 tary, was first thrown upon my mind when an excellent deacou 
 of my congregation (being infected with the Second Advent delu- 
 sion) assured me that he had received a first instalment of the 
 gift of tongues as a small earnest of larger possessions in the like 
 kind to follow. For, of a truth, I could not reconcile it with my 
 ideas of the Divine justice and mercy that the single wall wliich 
 protected people of other languages from the incursions of this 
 otherwise well-meaning propagandist should be broken down. 
 
 In reading Congressional debates, I have fancied, that, after the 
 subsidence of those painful Buzzings in the brain which result 
 from such exercises, I detected a slender residuum of valuable in- 
 formation. I made the discovery that nothing takes longer in the 
 saying than any thing else, for, as ex nihilo nihil Jit, so from one 
 polypus nothing any number of similar ones may be produced. I 
 would recommend to the attention of vivd voce debaters and con- 
 troTcrsialists the admirable example of the monk Copres, who, in 
 the fourth century, stood for half an hour in the midst of a great 
 fire, and thereby silenced a Manichi^an antagonist who had less 
 of the salamander in him. As for those who quarrel in print, I 
 have no concern with them here, since the eyelids are a Divinely- 
 granted shield against all such. Moreover, I have observed in 
 many modern books that the printed portion is becoming gradually 
 smaller, and the number of blank or fly-leaves (as they are 
 CiiUcd) greater. Should this fortunate tendency of literature con-
 
 62 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 tinue, books will grow more valual^le from year to year, and the 
 whole Serbonian bog yield to die advances of firm arable land. 
 
 I have wondered, in the Representatives' Chamber of our own 
 Commonwealth, to mark how little impression seemed to be pro- 
 duced by that emblematic fish suspended over the heads of the 
 members. Our wiser ancestors, no doubt, hung it there as being 
 the animal which the Pythagoreans reverenced for its silence, and 
 which certainly in that particular does not so well merit the epithet 
 cold-blooded, by which naturalists distinguish it, as certain bipeds, 
 afflicted with ditch-water on the brain, who take occasion to tap 
 themselves in Fanueil Halls, meeting-houses, and other places of 
 public resort. — II. W.]
 
 No. V. 
 THE DEBATE IN THE SENNIT. 
 
 SOT TO A NUSRT RHYME. 
 
 [The incident which gave rise to the debate satirized in the fol- 
 lowing verses was the unsuccessful attempt of Drayton and 
 Sayres to give freedom to seventy men and women, fellow-beings 
 and fellow-Christians. Had Tripoli, instead of Washington, been 
 the scene of this undertaking, the unhappy leaders in it would 
 have been as secure of the theoretic as they now are of the prac- 
 tical part of martyrdom. I question whether the Dey of Tripoli 
 is blessed with a District Attorney so benighted as ours at the seat 
 of government. Very fitly is he named Key, who would allow 
 himself to be made the instrument of locking the door of hope 
 against sufferers in such a cause. Not all the waters of the 
 ocean can cleanse the vile smutch of the jailer's fingers from off 
 that little Key. Ahenea clavis, a brazen Key indeed ! 
 
 Mr. Calhoun, who is made the chief speaker in this burlesque, 
 seems to think that the light of the nineteenth century is to be put 
 out as soon as he tinkles his little cow-bell curfew, '\^^lenever 
 slavery is touched, he sets up his scarecrow of dissoh-ing the 
 Union. This may do for the North, but I should conjecture that
 
 64 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 something more than a pumpkin-lanteni is required to scare man- 
 ifest and irretrievable Destiny out of her path. Mr. Calhoun 
 cannot let go the apron-string of the Past. The Past is a good 
 nurse, but we must be weaned from her sooner or later, even 
 though, like Plotinus, we siioukl run home from school to a.sk the 
 breast, after we are tolerably well-grnwn youths. It will not do 
 for us to hide our faces in her lap, whenever the strange Future 
 holds out her arms and asks us to come to her. 
 
 But we arc all alike. We have all heard it said, often enough, 
 that little boys must not play with fire ; and yet, if the matches be 
 taken away from us and put out of reach upon the shelf, we must 
 needs get into our little corner, and scowl and stamp and threaten 
 the dire revenge of going to bed without our suj»per. The world 
 shall stop till we get our dangerous plaything again. Dame 
 Earth, meanwhile, who has more than enough household matters 
 to mind, goes bustling hither and thither as a hiss or a sputter 
 tells her that this or that kettle of hers is boiling over, and before 
 bedtime we are glad to eat our porridge cold, and gulp down our 
 dignity along with it. 
 
 111'. Callioun has somehow acquired the name of a great states- 
 man, and, if it be great statesmanship to put lance in rest and run 
 a tilt at the Spirit of the Age with the certainty of being next 
 moment hurled neck and heels into the dust amid universal 
 laughter, he deserves the title. He is the Sir Kay of our modeni 
 chivali-y. He should remember the old Scandinavian mythus. 
 Thor was the strongest of gods, but he could not wrestle with 
 Time, nor so much as lift up a fold of the gVeut snake which 
 knit the universe together; and when he smote the Eartii, though 
 with his terrible mallet, it was but as if a leaf had fallen. Yet all 
 the while it seemed to Thor . .lat he had only been wrestling with
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 65 
 
 an old woman, striving to lift a cat, and striking a stupid giant on 
 the head. 
 
 And in old times, doubtless, the giants were stupid, and there 
 was no better sport for the Sir Launcelots and Sir Gawains than 
 to go about cutting off their great blundering heads with en- 
 chanted swords. But things have wonderfully changed. It is the 
 giants, now-a-days, that have th^ science and the intelligence, 
 while the chivalrous Don Quixotes of Conservatism still cumber 
 themselves with tlie clumsy armour of a by-gone age. On whirls 
 the restless globe through unsoimded time, with its cities and its 
 silences, its births and funerals, half light, half shade, but never 
 wholly dark, and sure to swing round into the happy morning at 
 last. With an involuntary smile, one sees Mr. Calhoun letting 
 slip his pack-thread cable with a crooked pin at the end of it to 
 anchor South Carolina upon the bank and shoal of the Past. 
 — H. W.] 
 
 TO MR. BUCKENAM. 
 
 MR. Editer, As i wuz kinder prunin round, in a lit- 
 tle nussry sot out a year or 2 a go,. the Dbait in the 
 sennit cum inter my mine An so i took & Sot it to wut 
 I call a nussry rime. I hev made sum onnable Gentle- 
 mun speak that dident speak in a Kind uv Poetikul lie 
 sense the seesan is drefRe backerd up This way 
 
 ewers as ushul 
 
 HOSEA BIGLOW. 
 5
 
 66 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 " Here we stan' on the Constitution, by thunder ! 
 
 It 's a fact o' wich ther 's bushils o' proofs ; 
 Fer how could we trample on 't so, I wonder, 
 Eft worn't thet it 's oilers under our hoofs ? " 
 Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; 
 
 " Human rights haint no more 
 Right to come on this floor. 
 No more 'n the man in the moon," sez he. 
 
 " The North haint no kind o' bisness with nothin', 
 An' you 've no idee how much bother it saves ; 
 We aint none riled by their frettin' an' frothin', 
 We 're used to layin' the string on our slaves," 
 Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; — 
 Sez Mister Foote, 
 " I should like to shoot 
 The holl gang, by the gret horn spoon ! " sez he. 
 
 " Freedom's Keystone is Slavery, thet ther 's no 
 doubt on, 
 It 's sutthin' thet 's — wha' d' ye call it ? — divine, — •
 
 THE BIGLOW PAFEKS. 67 
 
 An' the slaves thet we oilers make the most out on 
 Air them north o' Mason an' Dixon's line," 
 Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; — 
 " Fer all thet," sez Mangum, 
 . " 'T would be better to hang 'em, 
 An' so git red on 'em soon," sez he. 
 
 " The mass ough' to labor an' we lay on soffies, 
 
 Thet 's the reason I want to spread Freedom's aree ; 
 It puts all the cunninest on us in office. 
 An' reelises our Maker's orig'nal idee," 
 Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; — 
 " Thet 's ez plain," sez Cass, 
 " Ez thet some one 's an ass. 
 It 's ez clear ez the sun is at noon," sez he. 
 
 " Now don't go to say I 'm the friend of oppres- 
 sion. 
 But keep all your spare breath fer coolin' your broth, 
 Fer I oilers hev strove (at least thet 's my impres- 
 sion) 
 To make cussed free with the rights o' the North,"
 
 68 THE BIGLOW PAPERS, 
 
 Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; — 
 
 " Yes," sez Davis o' Miss., 
 
 " The perfection o' bliss 
 Is in skinnin' thet same old coon," sez he. 
 
 " Slavery 's a thing thet depends on complexion, 
 
 It 's God's law thet fetters on black skins don't chafe ; 
 Ef brains wuz to settle it (horrid reflection !) 
 Wich of our onnable body 'd be safe ? " 
 Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; •- — 
 Sez Mister Hannegan, 
 Afore he began agin, 
 " Thet exception is quite oppertoon," sez he. 
 
 " Gen'nle Cass, Sir, you need n't be twitchin' your 
 collar. 
 Your merit 's quite clear by the dut on your knees. 
 At the North we don't make no distinctions o' color ; 
 You can all take a lick at our shoes wen you please," 
 Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; — 
 Sez Mister Jarnagin, 
 " They wunt hev to larn agin. 
 They all on 'em know the old toon," sez he.
 
 THE BtGLOW PAPERS. 69 
 
 " The slavery question aint no ways bewilderin'. 
 
 North an' South hev one int'rest, it 's plain to a glance ; 
 No'thern men, like us patriarchs, don't sell their child rin, 
 But they du sell themselves, ef they git a good 
 chance," 
 Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; — 
 Sez Atherton here, 
 " This is gittin' severe, 
 I wish I could dive like a loon," sez he. 
 
 " It 'II break up the Union, this talk about freedom. 
 
 An' your fact'ry gals (soon ez we split) '11 make head, 
 An' gittin' some Miss chief or other to lead 'em, 
 '11 go to work raisin' promiscoous Ned," 
 Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; — 
 
 " Yes, the North," sez Colquitt, 
 " Ef we Southerners all quit. 
 Would go down like a busted balloon," sez he. 
 
 " Jest look wut is doin', wut annyky 's brewin' 
 In the beautiful clime o' the olive an' vine. 
 
 All the wise aristoxy is tumblin' to ruin, 
 
 An' the sankylots drorin' an' drinkin' their wine,"
 
 /U THE EIGLOW TAPERS. 
 
 Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; — 
 
 " Yes," sez Johnson, " in France 
 They 're beginnin' to dance 
 
 Beelzebub's own rigadoon," sez he. 
 
 " The South 's safe enough, it don't feel a mite skeery. 
 
 Our slaves in their darkness an' dut air tu blest 
 Not to welcome with proud hallylugers the ery 
 
 Wen our eagle kicks yourn from the naytional nest," 
 Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; — 
 " O," sez Westcott o' Florida, 
 " Wut treason is horrider 
 Then our priv'leges tryin' to proon ? " sez he. 
 
 " It 's 'coz they 're so happy, thet, wen crazy sarpints 
 
 Stick their nose in our bizness, we git so darned riled ; 
 We think it 's our dooty to give pooty sharp hints, 
 Thet the last crumb of Edin on airth shan't be spiled," 
 Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; — 
 " Ah," sez Dixon H. Lewis, 
 " It perfectly true is 
 Thet slavery 's airth's grettest boon," sez he.
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 71 
 
 [It was si\iil of old time, that riclies Lave wings; and, though 
 this be not applicable in a literal strictness to the wealth of our 
 patriarchal brethren of the South, yet it is clear that their posses- 
 sions have legs, and an unaccountable propensity for using them, 
 in a northerly direction. I marvel that the grand jury of Wash- 
 ington did not find a true bill against the North Star for aiding 
 and abetting Drayton and SajTCS. It would have l)een quite of a 
 piece M'ith the intelligence displayed by the South on other ques- 
 tions connected with slavery. I think that no ship of state was 
 ever freighted witli a more veritable Jonah than this same domestic 
 institution of ours. ISIephistopheles himself could not feign so bit- 
 terly, so satirically sad a sight as this of three millions of human 
 beings crushed bej'ond help or hope by this one mighty argument, 
 — Our fathers hiew no better ! Nevertheless, it is the unavoidable 
 destiny of Jonahs to be cast overboard sooner or later. Or shall 
 we try the experiment of hiding our Jonah in a safe place, that 
 none may lay hands on him to make jetsam of him ? Let us, 
 then, with equal forethought and wisdom, lash ourselves to the an- 
 chor, and await, in pious confidence, the certain result. Perhaps 
 our suspicious passenger is no Jonah after all, being black. For it 
 is well known that a superintending Providence made a kind of 
 sandwich of Ham and his descendants, to be devoured by tlie 
 Caucasian race. 
 
 In God's name, let all, who hear nearer and nearer the hungry 
 moan of the storm and the growl of the breakers, speak out ! 
 But, alas ! we have no right to interfere. If a man pluck an ap- 
 ple of mine, he shall be in danger of the justice ; but if he steal 
 my brother, I must be silent. "Who says thisi Our Constitution, 
 consecrated by the callous suetude of sixty years, and grasped in 
 triumphant argument in the left hand of liim whose riglit hanr.
 
 72 THE EIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 clutches the clotted slave-wliip. Justice, venerable Avith the unde 
 thronable majesty of countless aeons, says, — Speak ! The Past, 
 •wise with the sorrows and desolations of ages, from amid her 
 shattered times and wolf-housing palaces, echoes, — Speak! 
 Nature, through her thousand trumpets of freedom, her stars, her 
 sunrises, her seas, her winds, her cataracts, her mountains blue 
 with cloudy pines, blows jubilant encouragement, and trie*. — 
 Speak I From tlie soul's trembling abysses the still, small voice 
 not vauncly mui-miu"s, — Speak ! But, alas ! the Constitution 
 and the Honorable Mr. Bagowind, M. C, say, — Be dumb ! 
 
 It occurs to me to suggest, as a topic of inquiry in this con 
 nection, whether, on that momentous occasion when tlie goats and 
 the sheep shall' be parted, the Constitution and the Honorable 
 Mr. Bagowind, M. C., will be expected to take their places on the 
 left as our liircine vicars. 
 
 diiid sum miser tunc dictiiriis? 
 
 Quern patronum rogaturusJ 
 
 There is a point where toleration sinks into sheer baseness and 
 poltroonery. The toleration of the worst leads us to look on 
 what is barely better as good enough, and to worship what is only 
 moderately good. Woe to that man, or that nation, to whom 
 mediocrity has become an ideal ! 
 
 Has our experiment of self-government succeeded, if it barely 
 manage to rub and go? Here, now, is a piece of barbarism which 
 Christ and the nineteenth century say shall cease, and which 
 Messrs. Smith, Brown, and others say shall not cease. I would 
 by no means deny the eminent respectability of these gentlemen, 
 but I confess, that, in such a wrestling-match, I cannot help hav- 
 ing my fears for them. 
 
 Discite jtistitiam, motiiti, et non temnere dlvos. 
 
 H. ^Y.]
 
 No. VI. 
 
 THE PIOUS EDITOR'S CREED. 
 
 [At the special instance of Mi*. Biglow, I preface the following 
 satire with an extract from a sermon preached during the past 
 summer, from Ezekiel xxxiv. 2 : — " Son of man, prophesy 
 against the shepherds of Israel." Since the Sabbath on which tliis 
 discourse was delivered, the editor of the " Jaalam Independent 
 Blunderliiiss" has unaccountably absented himself from our house 
 of worship. 
 
 "I know of no so responsible position as that of the public jour- 
 nalist. The editor of our day bears the same relation to his time 
 that the clerk bore to the age before the invention of printing. 
 Indeed, the position which he holds is that which the clergyman 
 should hold even now. But the clergjTnan chooses to M'alk off to 
 the extreme edge of the world, and to throw such seed as he has 
 clear over into that darkness which he calls the Next Life. As if 
 neat did not mean nearest, and as if any life were nearer than that 
 immediately present one which boils and eddies all aroimd him at 
 the caucus, the ratification meeting, and the polls ! Wlio taught 
 liim to exhort men to prepare for eternity, as for some future era 
 of wliieh the present forms no integral part ? The furrow which 
 Time is even now turning runs through the Everlasting, and in 
 that must he plant, or nowhere. Yet he would fain believe and
 
 7i THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 • teach that we are going to have more of eternity than we have now. 
 Tliis going of his is like that of the auctioneer, on wliich gone fol- 
 lows before we have made up our minds to bid, — in which manner, 
 not three months back, I lost an excellent copy of Chappclow on 
 Jol). So it has come to pass that the preacher, instead of being a 
 living force, has faded into an emblematic figure at christenings, 
 weddings, and funerals. Or, if he exercise any other function, it 
 is as keeper and feeder of certain theologic dogmas, which, when 
 occasion offers, he unkennels with a sluhoji ! " to bark and bite 
 as 't is their nature to," whence that reproach of odium theologicum 
 has arisen. 
 
 " Meanwhile, see what a pulpit the editor mounts daily, some- 
 times with a congregation of fifty thousand witliin rcacli of his 
 voice, and never so much as a noddcr, even, among them ! And 
 from what a Bible can he clioose his text, — a Bible which needs 
 no translation, and which no priestcraft can shut and clasp fi-om 
 t'le laity, — the open volume of the world, ujjon which, with a pen 
 3f sunshine or destroying fire, the inspired Present is even now 
 writing tiie aaimls of Gud ! Mcthiuk.s tiie etlitor who should un- 
 derstand his calling, and be equal thereto, would truly deserve that 
 title of TToi^rjv Xnow, which Homer bestows upon jn-inccs. lie 
 would be the Moses of our nineteen tli century, and whereas the 
 old Sinai, silent now, is but a common mountain stared at by tlie 
 elegant tourist and crawled over by the hammering geologist, he 
 must find his tables of the new law here among factories and 
 cities in this Wilderness of Sin (Numbers xxxiii. 12) called 
 Progress of Civilization, and be the captain of our Exodus into 
 the Canaan of a truer social order. 
 
 " Nevertheless, our editor will not come so far witliin even the 
 shadow of Sinai as Mahomet did, but chooses rather to construe
 
 THE BIGLOW FAPEKS. 
 
 Moses by Joe Smith. He takes iip the crook, not that the sheep 
 may be fed, but that he may never waiit a warm woollen suit and 
 a joint of mutton. 
 
 Immemor, O, fidii, pecorumque oblite tuorum ! 
 
 For which reason I would derive the name editor not so much 
 from edo, to publish, as from edo^ to eat, that being the peculiar 
 profession to which he esteems himself called. He blows up the 
 flames of political discord for no other occasion than that he may 
 thereby handily boil his own pot. I believe there are two thousand 
 of these mutton-loving shepherds in the United States, and of 
 these, how many have even the dimmest perception of their im- 
 mense power, and the duties consequent thereon ? Here and there, 
 haply, one. Nine hundred and ninety-nine labor to impress upon 
 the people the great principles of Tweedledum, and other nine 
 hundred and ninety-nine preach with equal earnestness the gospel 
 according to Tiveedledee." — H. W.] 
 
 I Du believe in Freedom's cause, 
 
 Ez fur away ez Paris is ; 
 I love to see her stick her claws 
 
 In them infarnal Pharisees ; 
 It 's wal enough agin a king 
 
 To dror resolves an' triggers, — 
 But libbaty 's a kind o' thing 
 
 Thet don't agree whh niggers.
 
 76 
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 I du believe the people want 
 
 A tax on teas an' coffees, 
 That nothin' aint extravygunt, — 
 
 Purvidin' I 'm in office ; 
 Fer I hev loved my country sence 
 
 My eye-teeth filled their sockets, 
 An' Uncle Sam I reverence, 
 
 Partic'larly his pockets. 
 
 I du believe in any plan 
 
 O' levyin' the taxes, 
 Ez long ez, like a lumberman, 
 
 I git jest wut I axes : 
 I go free-trade thru thick an' thin, 
 
 Because it kind o' rouses 
 The folks to vote, — an' keeps us in 
 
 Our quiet custom-houses. 
 
 I du believe it 's wise an' good 
 To sen' out furrin missions, 
 
 Thet is, on sartin understood 
 An' orthvdox conditions ; —
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 77 
 
 I mean nine thousan' dolls, per ann., 
 
 riflne thousan' more fer outfit, 
 An' me to recommend a man 
 
 The place 'ould jest about fit. 
 
 I du believe in special ways 
 
 O' prayin' an' convartin' ; 
 The bread comes back in many days, 
 
 An' buttered, tu, fer sartin ; — 
 I mean in preyin' till one busts 
 
 On wut the party chooses, 
 An' in convartin' public trusts 
 
 To very privit uses. 
 
 I du believe hard coin the stuff 
 
 Fer 'lectioneers to spout on ; 
 The people 's oilers soft enough 
 
 To make hard money out on ; 
 Dear Uncle Sam pervides fer his, 
 
 An' ffives a good-sized iunk to all, — 
 I don't care how hard money is, 
 
 Ez long ez mine 's paid punctooal.
 
 THE EIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 I du believe with all my soul 
 
 In the gret Press's freedom, 
 To pint the people to the goal 
 
 An' in the traces lead 'em ; 
 Palsied the arm thet forges yokes 
 
 At my fat contracts squintin', 
 An' withered be the nose thet pokes 
 
 Inter the gov'ment printin' ! 
 
 I du believe thet I should sive 
 
 Wut 's his'n unto Csesar, 
 Fer it 's by him I move an' live, 
 
 Frum him my bread an' cheese air ; 
 I du believe thet all o' me 
 
 Doth bear his souperscription, — 
 Will, conscience, honor, honesty, 
 
 An' things o' thet description. 
 
 I du believe in prayer an' praise 
 To him thet hez the grantin' 
 
 O' jobs, — in every thin' thet pays, 
 But most of all in Cantin' ;
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 79 
 
 This doth my cup with marcies fill, 
 This lays all thought o' sin to rest, — 
 
 I donH believe in princerple, 
 But, O, I da in interest. 
 
 I du believe in bein' this 
 
 Or thet, ez it may happen 
 One way or t'other hendiest is 
 
 To ketch the people nappin' ; 
 It aint by princerples nor men 
 
 My preudunt course is steadied, — 
 I scent wich pays the best, an' then 
 
 Go into it baldheaded. 
 
 I du believe thet holdin' slaves 
 
 Comes nat'ral tu a Presidunt, 
 Let 'lone the rowdedow it saves 
 
 To hev a wal-broke precedunt ; 
 Fer any office, small or gret, 
 
 I could n't ax with no face, 
 Without I 'd ben, thru dry an' wet, 
 
 Th' unrizzest kind o' doughface.
 
 80 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 I du believe wutever trash 
 
 '11 keep the people in blindness, — 
 Thet we the Mexicuns can thrash 
 
 Right inter brotherly kindness, 
 Thet bombshells, grape, an' powder 'n' ball 
 
 Air good-will's strongest magnets, 
 Thet peace, to make it stick at all. 
 
 Must be druv in with bagnets. 
 
 In short, I firmly du believe 
 
 In Humbug generally, 
 Fer it 's a thing thet I perceive 
 
 To hev a solid rally ; 
 This heth my faithful shepherd ben, 
 
 In pasturs sweet heth led me, 
 An' this '11 keep the people green 
 
 To feed ez they hev fed me. 
 
 [ I sulijoin here another passage from my before -mentioned 
 discourse. 
 
 " Wonderful, to him that has ej'cs to see it rightly, is the news- 
 paper. To me, for example, sitting on the critical front bench of
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 81 
 
 • 
 
 the pit, in my study here ,in Jaahim, the advent of my weekly 
 journal is as that of a strolling theatre, or rather of a puppet- 
 show, on whose stage, narrow as it "is. the tragedy, comedy, and 
 farce of life are played in little. Behold the whole hiige_ earth 
 sent to me hebdomadally in a brown-paper wrapper ! 
 
 "Hither, to my obscure corner, by wind or steam, on horse- 
 back or dromedary-back, in the pouch of the Indian runner, or 
 clicking over the magnetic wires, troop all the famous pei-formers 
 from the four quarters of the globe. Looked at from a point of 
 criticism, tiny puppets they seem all, as the editor sets up his 
 booth upon my desk and officiates as siiowman. Now I can truly 
 see how little and transitory is life. The earth appears almost as 
 a drop of vinegar, on which the solar microscope of the imagina- 
 tion must be brought to bear in order to make out any thing dis- 
 tinctly. That animalcule there, in the pea-jacket, is Louis Philippe, 
 just landed on the coast of England. That other, in the gray 
 smtout and cocked hat, is Napoleon Bonaparte Smith, assuring 
 France that she need apprehend no interference from him in the 
 present alarming juncture. At that spot, where you seem to see 
 a speck of something in motion, is an immense mass-meeting. 
 Look sharper, and you will see a mite brandishing his mandibles 
 in an excited manner. That is the great Mr. Soandso, defining 
 his position amid tumultuous. and irrepressible cheers. That in- 
 finitesimal creature, upon whom some score of others, as mintite 
 as he, are gazing in open-mouthed admiration, is a famous philos- 
 opher, expounding to a select audience their capacity for the Infi- 
 nite. That scarce discernible pufflct of smoke and dust is a revo- 
 lution. That speck there is a reformer, just arranging the lever 
 with which he is to move the world. And lo, there creeps for- 
 ward the shadow of a skeleton that blows one breath between its 
 6
 
 82 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 grinning teeth, and all our distinguished actors are whisked f^ff 
 the slippery stage into the dark Beyond. 
 
 " Yes, the little show-box has its solemner suggestions. Now 
 and tli^n we catch a glimpse of a grim old man, who lays down a 
 scythe and hour-glass in the corner while he shifts the scenes. 
 There, too, in the dim back-ground, a weird shape is ever delving. 
 Sometimes he leans upon his mattock, and gazes, as a coach 
 whirls by, bearing the newly married on their wedding jaunt, or 
 glances carelessly at a babe brought home from christening. 
 Suddenly (for the scene grows larger and larger as we look) a 
 bony hand snatches back a perfonner in the midst of his part, and 
 him, whom yesterday two infinities (past and future) woixld not 
 suffice, a handful of dust is enough to cover and silence for ever. 
 Nay, we see the same fleshless fingers opening to clutch the show- 
 man himself, and guess, not without a shudder, that they are lying 
 in wait for spectator also. 
 
 " Think of it : for three dollars a year I buy a season-ticket to 
 this great Globe Theatre) for which God would write the dramas 
 (only that we like farces, spectacles, and the ti'agedies of Apollyon 
 better), whose scene-shifter is Time, and whose ciutain is rung 
 down by Death. 
 
 " Such thoughts will occur to me sometimes as I am tearing 
 off the wrapper of my newspaper. -Tlien suddenly that otherwise 
 too often vacant sheet becomes invested for me with a strange 
 kind of awe. Look ! deaths and marriages, notices of inventions, 
 discoveries, and books, lists of promotions, of killed, wounded, 
 and missing, news of tires, accidents, of sudden wealth and as 
 sudden poverty; — I hold in my hand the ends of myriad in- 
 visible electric conductors, along which tremble the joys, sorrows, 
 wrongs, triumphs, hopes, and despairs of as many men and
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 83 
 
 women everyTS'herc. So that niton tliat mood of mind which 
 seems to isolate me from mankind as a spectator of their pnppot- 
 pranks, another supervenes, in which I feci that I, too, unknown 
 and unheard of, am yet of some uuport to my fellows. For, 
 through my newspaper here, do not families take pains to send 
 me, an entire stranger, news of a death among them ? Are not 
 here two who would have me know of their marriage 1 And, 
 strangest of all, is not this singular person anxious to have me in- 
 formed tliat he has received a fresh supply of Dimitry Bruisgins 1 
 But to none of us docs the Present (even if for a moment dis- 
 cerned as such) continue miraculous. AVe glance carelessly at 
 the sum-ise, and get used to Orion and the Pleiades. The wonder 
 wears off, and to-morrow this sheet, in which a vision was let 
 do^vn to me fi'om Heaven, shall be the wrappage to a bar of soap 
 or the platter for a beggar's broken victuals." — H. W.]
 
 No. VII, 
 
 A LETTER 
 
 FROM A CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY IN ANSWEK 
 
 TO SUTTIN QUESTIONS PROPOSED BY MR. HOSEA EIG- 
 
 LOW, INCLOSED IN A NOTE FROBI MR. BIGLOW TO 
 
 S. H. GAY, ESQ., EDITOR OF THE NATIONAL aNTI- 
 
 . SLAVERY STANDARD. , 
 
 [Curiosity may be said to be the qn.ality which preeminently 
 distinguishes and segregates man from the lower animals. As we 
 trace the scale of animated nature downward, we find this faculty 
 of the mind (as it may truly be called) diminished in the savage, 
 and quite extinct in the brute. The first object which civilized 
 man proposes to himself I take to be the finding out wh.itsoever 
 lie can concerning his neighbours. Nihil hmnanum a me alienum 
 puto ; I am curious about even Jolin Sniitli. The desire next in 
 strength to tliis (an opposite pole, indeed, of the same magnet) is 
 that of communicating intelligence. 
 
 Men in general may be divided into the inquisitive and the 
 communicative. To the first class belong Peeping Toms, eaves- 
 droppers, navel-contemplating Brahmins, metaphysicians, travel-
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 85 
 
 lers, Empedoeleses, sj^ics, the various societies for promoting 
 Ehinothism, Columbuses, Yankees, discoverers, and men of 
 science, wlio present themselves to the mind as so many marks 
 of interrogation wandering up and down the world, or sitting in 
 studies and laboratories. The second class I should again sub- 
 divide into four. In the first subdivision I would rank those who 
 have an itch to tell us about themselves, — as keepers of diaries, 
 insignificant persons generally, Montaignes, Horace Walpoles, 
 autobiographers, poets. The second includes those who ai-e anx- 
 ious to impart information concerning other people, — as historians, 
 barbers, and such. To the third belong those who labor to give 
 us intelligence about nothing at all, — as novelists, political orators, 
 the large majority of authors, preachers, lecturers, and the like. 
 In the fourth come those who are communicative from motives 
 of public benevolence, — as finders of marcs'-nests and bringers 
 of ill news. Each of us two-legged fowls without feathers em- 
 braces all these subdivisions in himself to a greater or less de- 
 gree, for none of us so much as lays an egg, or incubates a 
 chalk one, but straightway the whole barn-yard shall know it 
 by our cackle or our cluck. Omnibus hoc vitium est. There 
 are different grades in all these classes. One will turn his tel- 
 escope toward a back-yard, another toward Uranus ; one will 
 tell you that he dined with Smith, another that he supped with 
 Plato. In one particular, all men may be considered as belonging 
 to the first grand division, inasmuch as they all seem equally de- 
 sirous of discovering the mote in their neighbour's eye. 
 
 To one or another of these species every human being may 
 safely be referred. I tliink it beyond a peradventure that Jonah 
 prosecuted some inquiries into the digestive apparatus of whales, 
 and that Noah sealed up a letter in an empty bottle, that news in
 
 86 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 regard to him might not be wanting in case of tlic worst. They 
 had else been sujjer or subter human. I conceive, also, that, as 
 there are certain persons who continually peep and pry at the 
 key-hole of that mysterious door through which, sooner or later, 
 we all make our exits, so there are doubtless ghosts fidgotting and 
 fretting on the other side of it, because they have no means 
 of conveying back to the world the scraps of news they have 
 picked up. For there is an answer ready somewhere to every 
 question, the great law of give and talce mns through all na- 
 ture, and if we see a hook, we may be sure that an eye is waiting 
 for it. I read in every face I meet a standing advertisement 
 of information wanted in regard to A. B., or tliat the friends of 
 C. D. can hear of him by application to such a one. 
 
 It was to gratify the two great passions of asking and an- 
 swering that epistolary correspondence was first invented. Let- 
 ters (for by this usurped title epistles are now commonly known) 
 are of several kinds. First, there are those which arc not letters 
 at all, — as letters patent, letters dimissory, letters inclosing bills, 
 letters of administration, Pliny's letters, letters of diplomacy, of 
 Cato, of Mentor, of Lords Lyttelton, Chesterfield, and Orrery, 
 of Jacob Bchmen, Seneca (whom St. Jerome includes in his 
 list of sacred writers), letters from abroad, fi'om sons in college 
 to their fathers, letters of marque, and letters generally, which 
 are in no wise letters of mark. Second, are real letters, such 
 as those of Gray, Co^^qier, Walpole, Howel, Lamb, tlie first let- 
 ters from children (printed in staggering capitals) Letters from 
 New York, letters of credit, and others, interesting for the sake of 
 the writer or the thing written. I have read also letters from 
 Europe by a gentleman named Pinto, containing some curious 
 gossip, and which I hope to see collected for the benefit of the
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 87 
 
 curious. There are, besides, letters addressed to posterity, — as 
 epitaphs, for example, written for their own monuments by mon- 
 archs, whereby we have lately become possessed of the names 
 of several great conquerors and kings of kings, hitherto unheard 
 of and still unpronounceable, but valuable to the student of the 
 entirely dark ages. The letter which St. Peter sent to King 
 Pepin in the year of grace 755 I would place in a class bj-^ it- 
 self, as also the letters of candidates, concerning which I shall 
 dilate more fully in a note at the end of the following poem 
 At present, sat prata hiberunt Only, concerning the shape of let- 
 ters, they are all either scpiare or oblong, to which general figures 
 circular letters and round-robins also conform themselves. — 
 H. W] 
 
 Deer sir its gut to be the fashun now to rite letters 
 to the candid 8s and i wus chose at a publick Meetin in 
 Jaalam to du wut wus nessary fur that town, i writ 
 to 271 ginerals and gut ansers to 209. tha air called 
 candid 8s but I don't see nothin candid about em. this 
 here 1 wich I send wus thought satty's factory. I 
 dunno as it's ushle to print Poscrips, but as all the an- 
 sers I got hed the saim, I sposed it wus best, times 
 has gretly changed. Formaly to knock a man into a 
 cocked hat wus to use him up, but now it ony gives him 
 a chance fur the cheef madgustracy. — H. B.
 
 88 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Dear Sir, — You wish to know my notions 
 
 On sartin pints thet rile the land ; 
 There 's nothin' thet my natur so shuns 
 
 Ez bein' mum or underhand ; 
 I 'm a straight-spoken kind o' creetur 
 
 Thet Wurts right out wut 's in his head, 
 An' ef I Ve one pecooler feetur. 
 
 It is a nose thet wunt be led. 
 
 So, to begin at the beglnnin'. 
 
 An' come direcly to the pint, 
 I think the country's underpinnin' 
 
 Is some consid'ble out o' jint ; 
 I aint agoin' to try your patience 
 
 By tellin' who done this or thet, 
 I don't make no insinooations, 
 
 I jest let on I smell a rat. 
 
 Thet is, I mean, it seems to me so. 
 But, ef the public think I 'm wrong, 
 
 I wunt deny but wut I be so, — 
 
 An,' fact, it don't smell very strong ;
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 89 
 
 My mind 's tu fair to lose its balance 
 An' say wich party hez most sense ; 
 
 There may be folks o' greater talence 
 Thet can't set stiddier on the fence. 
 
 I 'm an eclectic ; ez to choosin' 
 
 'Twixt this an' thet, I 'm plaguy lawth ; 
 I leave a side thet looks like losin', 
 
 But (wile there 's doubt) I stick to both ; 
 I Stan' upon the Constitution, 
 
 Ez preudunt statesmun say, who 've planned 
 A way to git the most profusion 
 
 O' chances ez to ware they '11 stand. 
 
 Ez fer the war, I go agin it, — 
 
 I mean to say I kind o' du, — 
 Thet is, I mean thet, bein' in it, 
 
 The best way wuz to fight it thru ; 
 Not but wut abstract war is horrid, 
 
 I sign to thet with all my heart, — 
 But civlyzation doos git forrid 
 
 Sometimes upon a powder-cart.
 
 90 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 About thet darned Proviso matter 
 
 I never bed a grain o' doubt, 
 Nor I aint one my sense to scatter 
 
 So 's no one could n't pick it out ; 
 My love for North an' South is equil, 
 
 So I '11 jest answer plump an' frank. 
 No matter wut may be the scquil, — 
 
 Yes, Sir, I am agin a Bank. 
 
 Ez to the answerin' o' questions, 
 
 I 'm an off ox at bein' druv, 
 Though I aint one thet ary test shuns 
 
 '11 give our folks a helpin' shove ; 
 Kind o' promlscoous I go it 
 
 Fer the hoU country, an' the ground 
 I take, ez nigh ez I can show it. 
 
 Is pooty gen'ally all round. 
 
 I don't appruve o' givin' pledges ; 
 
 You 'd ough' to leave a feller free, 
 An' not go knockin' out the wedges 
 
 To ketch his fingers in the tree ;
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Pledges air awfle breachy cattle 
 
 Thet preudunt farmers don't turn out, - 
 
 Ez long 'z the people git their rattle, 
 Wut is there fer 'm to grout about ? 
 
 Ez to the slaves, there 's no confusion 
 
 In my idees consarnin' them, — 
 J think they air an Institution, 
 
 A sort of — yes, jest so, — ahem : 
 Do I own any ? Of my merit 
 
 On thet pint you yourself may jedge ; 
 All is, I never drink no sperit, 
 
 Nor I haint never signed no pledge. 
 
 Ez to my principles, I glory 
 
 In hevin' nothin' o' the sort ; 
 I aint a Wig, I aint a Tory, 
 
 I 'm jest a candidate, in short ; 
 Thet 's fair an' square an' parpendicler, 
 
 But, ef the Public cares a fig 
 To hev me an' thin' in particler, 
 
 Wy, I 'm a kind o' peri-wig. 
 
 91
 
 92 THE BIGLOW TAPERS. 
 
 P. s. 
 
 Ez we 're a sort o' privateerin', 
 
 O' course, you know, it 's sheer an' sheer, 
 An' there is sutthin'wuth your hearin' 
 
 I '11 mention in your privit ear ; 
 Ef you git me inside the White House, 
 
 Your head with ile I '11 kin' o' 'nint 
 By gittin' you inside the Light-house 
 
 Down to the eend o' Jaalam Pin^ 
 
 An' ez the North hez took to brustlin' 
 
 At bein' scrouged frum off the roost, 
 I 'II tell ye wut '11 save all tusslin' 
 
 An' give our side a harnsome boost, — 
 Tell 'em thet on the Slavery question 
 
 I 'm RIGHT, although to speak I 'm lawth ; 
 This gives you a safe pint to rest on, 
 
 An' leaves me frontin' South by North. 
 
 [And now of epistles candidatial, which are of two kinds, — 
 namely, letters of acceptance, and letters definitive of position. 
 Our republic, on the eve of an election, may safely enough be 
 called a republic of letters. Epistolary composition becomes then
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 93 
 
 an epidemic, wliich seizes one candidate after another, not seldom 
 cutting short the tliread of political life. It has conie to such a 
 pass, that a party dreads less the attacks of its opponents than a 
 letter from its candidate. Litera scripta manet, and it will go hard 
 if something bad cannot be made of it. General Harrison, it is 
 well understood, was surrounded, during his candidacy, with the 
 cordon sanitaire of a vigilance committee. No prisoner in Spiel- 
 berg was ever more cautiously deprived of writing materials. 
 The soot was scraped carefully from the chimney-places ; out- 
 posts of expert rifle-shooters rendered it sure death for any goose 
 (who came clad in feathers) to approach within a certain limited 
 distance of North Bend ; and all domestic fowls about the prem- 
 ises were reduced to the condition of Plato's original man. By 
 these precautions the General was saved. Parva componere mag- 
 nis, I remember, that, when party-spirit once ran high among my 
 peoi3le, upon occasion of the choice of a new deacon, I, having 
 my preferences, 3'et not caring too openly to express them, made 
 use of an innocent fraud to bring about that result which I deem- 
 ed most desiral)le. Mv stratagem was no other than the throwins' 
 a copy of the Complete Letter-Writer in the way of the candi- 
 date whom I wished to defeat. He caught the infection, and ad- 
 dressed a short note to his constituents, in which the opposite 
 party detected so many and so grave improprieties, (he had mod- 
 elled it upon the letter of a young lady accepting a proposal of 
 marriage,) tliat he not only lost his election, but, falling under a 
 suspicion of Sabellianism and I know not what, (the widow En- 
 dive assured me that he was a Paralipomenon, to her certain 
 knowledge.) was forced to leave the town. Thus it is that the 
 letter killeth. 
 
 The object which candidates propose to themselves in wiiting is
 
 94 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 to convey no meaning at all. And here is a quite unsuspected 
 pitfall into which they successively plunge headlong. For it is 
 precisely in such cryptographies that mankind are prone to seek 
 for and find a wonderful amount and variety of significance. 
 Omne ignotum ■pro mirijico. How do we admire at the antique 
 world striving to crack those oracular nuts from Delphi, Ham- 
 mon, and elsewhere, in only one of wliich can I so much as sur- 
 mise that axiy kernel had ever lodged ; that, namely, wherein 
 Apollo confessed that he was mortal. One Didymus is, moreover, 
 related to have written six thousand books on the single subject 
 of grammar, a topic rendered only more tenebrific by the labors 
 of his successoi-s, and which seems still to possess an atti-action 
 for authors in proportion as they can make nothing of it. A sin- 
 gular loadstone for theologians, also, is the Beast in the Apoca- 
 lypse, whereof, in the course of my studies, I have noted two 
 hundred and three several interpretations, each lethiferal to all the 
 rest. Non nostrum est tantas componere lites, yet I have myself ven- 
 tured upon a two hundred and fourth, which I embodied in a dis- 
 course preached on occasion of the demise of the late usurper, 
 Napoleon Bonaparte, and which quieted, in a large measure, the 
 minds of my people. It is true that my views on this important 
 point were ardently controverted by Mr. Shearjashub Hoklen, the 
 then preceptor of our academy, and in other particulars a very 
 deserving and sensible young man, though possessing a somewhat 
 limited knowledge of the Greek tongue. But his heresy stiiick 
 down no deep root, and, he having been lately removed by the 
 hand of Providence, I had the satisfaction of reaffirming my 
 cherished sentiments in a sermon preached upon the Lord's day 
 immediately succeeding his funeral. This might seem like taking 
 an unfair advantage, did I not add that he had made provision in
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 95 
 
 his last will (being celibate) for the publication of a posthumous 
 tractate in support of his own dangerous opinions. 
 
 I know of nothing in our modern times which approaches so 
 nearly to the ancient oracle as the letter of a Presidential candi- 
 date. Now, among the Greeks, the eating of beans was strictly 
 forbidden to all such as had it in mind to consult those expert 
 amphibologists, and this same prohibition on the part of Pythago- 
 ras to his disciples is understood to imply an abstinence from 
 politics, beans having been used as ballots. That other explica- 
 tion, quod videlicet sensus eo ciho ohtundi existimaret, though sup- 
 ported pugnis et calcibiis by many of the learned, and not wanting 
 the countenance of Cicero, is confuted by the larger experience 
 of New England. On the whole, I think it safer to apply here 
 the rule of interpretation which now generally obtains in regard 
 to antique cosmogonies, myths, fables, proverbial expressions, and 
 knotty points generally, which is, to find a commofi-sense mean- 
 ing, and then select whatever can be imagined the most opposite 
 thereto. In this way we amve at the conclusion, that the Greeks 
 objected to the questioning of candidates. And very propei'ly, if, 
 as I conceive, the chief point be not to discover what a person in 
 that position is, or what he will do, but whether he can be elect 
 ed. Vos exemplaria Grceca nocturna versate manu, versate diurna. 
 
 But, since an imitation of the Greeks in this particular (the 
 asking of questions being one chief pri^'ilege of freemen ) is hard- 
 ly to be hoped for, and our candidates will answer, whether they 
 are questioned or not, I would recommend that these ante- 
 electionaiy dialogues should be carried on by symbols, as were 
 the diplomatic correspondences of the Scythians and Macrobii, or 
 confined to the language of signs, like the famous interview of 
 Panm-ge and Goatsnose. A candidate might then convey a suit-
 
 96 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 able reply to all committees of inquiry by closing one eye, or by 
 presenting them with a phial of Egyptian darkness to be specu- 
 lated upon by their respective constituencies. These answers 
 would be susceptible of whatever retrospective construction the 
 exigencies of the political campaign might seem to demand, and 
 the candidate could take his position on either side of the fence 
 with entire consistency. Or, if letters must be written, profitable 
 use might be made of the Digbton rock hieroglyphic or the 
 cuneiform script, every fresh dcciphei'er of which is enabled to 
 educe a different meaning, whereby a sculptured stone or two 
 supplies us, and will probably continue to supply posterity, with a 
 very vast and various body of authentic history. For even the 
 briefest epistle in the ordinary chirography is dangerous. There 
 is scarce any style so compressed that superfluous words may not 
 be detected in it. A severe critic might curtail tiiat famous brevi- 
 ty of Ca3sar's by two thirds, drawing his pen through the super- 
 erogatory veni and vidi. Perhaps, after all, the surest footing of 
 hope is to be found in the rapidly increasing tendency to demand 
 less and less of qualification in candidates. Already have states- 
 manship, experience, and the possession (nay, the profession, 
 even) of principles been rejected as superfluous, and may not the 
 patriot reasonably hope that the ability to write will follow ? At 
 present, there may be death in pot-hooks as well as jiots, the loop 
 of a letter may suffice for a bow-string, and all the dreadful 
 heresies of Antislavery may lurk in a flourish. — II. W.j
 
 No. VIII. 
 
 A SECOND LETTER FROM B. SAWIN, Esq. 
 
 [In the following epistle, we behold llr. Sawin returning, a 
 miles emeritus, to the bosom of his family. Qttaittuin mutatus! 
 The good Father of us all had doubtless intrusted to the keeping 
 of this child of his certain faculties of a constructive kind. He 
 had put in him a share of that vital force, the nicest economy 
 of every minute atom of which is necessaiy to the perfect devel- 
 opment of Humanity. He had given him a brain and heart, and 
 so had equipped his soul with the two strong wings of knowledge 
 and love, whereby it can mount to hang its nest under the eaves 
 of heaven. And this child, so dowei'cd, he had intrusted to the 
 keeping of his vicar, the State. How stands the account of that 
 stewardship 1 The State, or Society, (call her by what name you 
 will,) had taken no manner of thought of him till she saw him 
 swept out into the street, the pitiful leavings of last night's de- 
 bauch, with cigar-ends, lemon-parings, tobacco-quids, slops, vile 
 stenches, and the whole loathsome next-morning of the bar-room, 
 — an own child of the Almighty God ! I remember him as ho 
 was brought to be christened, a ruddy, rugged babe ; and now there 
 he wallows, reeking, seething, — the dead corpse, not of a man, but 
 
 7
 
 98 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 of a soul, — a putrefying lump, horrible for the life that is in it. 
 Comes the wind of heaven, that good Samaritan, and parts the 
 hair upon his forehead, nor is too nice to kiss those parched, 
 cracked lips ; the morning opens upon him her eyes full of pity- 
 ing sunshine, the sky yearns down to him, — and there he lies fer- 
 menting. sleep ! let me not profane thy holy name by calling 
 that stertorous unconsciousness a slumber! By and by comes 
 along the State, God's vicar. Does she say, — " My poor, forlorn 
 foster-child ! Behold here a force which I will make dig and plant 
 and build for me " ? Not so, but, — " Here is a recruit ready-made 
 to my hand, a piece of destroying energy lying unprofitably idle." 
 So she claps an ugly gray suit on him, puts a musket in his grasp, 
 and sends him off, with Gubernatorial and other godspeeds, to do 
 duty as a destroyer. 
 
 I made one of the crowd at the last Mechanics' Fair, and, with 
 the rest, stood gazing in wonder at a perfect machine, with its soul 
 of fire, its boiler-lieart that sent the hot blood pulsing along the 
 iron arteries, and its thews of steel. And while I was admir- 
 ing the adaptation of means to end, the harmonious involutions 
 of contrivance, and the never-bewildered complexity, I saw a 
 grimed and greasy fellow, the imperious engine's lackey and 
 drudge, whose sole office was to let fall, at intervals, a drop or two 
 of oil upon a certain joint. Then my soul said within me. See 
 there a piece of mechanism to which that other you marvel at is 
 hut as the rude first effort of a child, — a force which not merely 
 suffices to set a few wheels in motion, but which can send an im- 
 pulse all through the infinite future, — a contrivance, not for turn- 
 ing out pins, or stitching button-holes, but for making Hamlets and 
 Lears. And yet this thing of iron shall be housed, waited on, 
 guarded from rust and dust, and it shall be a crime but so much
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. . 99 
 
 as to scratch it witli a pin ; while the other, with its fire of Gofl in 
 it, shall be buffeted hither and thither, and finally sent carefully a 
 thousand miles to je the target for a Mexican cannon-ball. Un- 
 thrifty Mother State ! My heart burned within me for pity and 
 indignation, and I renewed this covenant with my own soul, — 
 In aliis mansudus ero, at, in blaspheraiis contra Christum, non ita. — 
 
 n. w.] 
 
 I SPOSE you wonder ware I be ; I can't tell, fer the soul 
 
 o' me, 
 Exacly ware I be myself, — meanin' by thet the holl 
 
 o' me. 
 Wen I left hum, I hed two legs, an' they worn't bad 
 
 ones neither, 
 (The scaliest trick they ever played wuz bringin' on me 
 
 hither,) 
 Now one on 'em 's I dunno ware ; — they thought I wuz 
 
 adyin', 
 An' sawed it off because they said 'twuz kin' o' mor- 
 
 tifyin' ; 
 I 'm willin' to believe it wuz, an' yit I don't see,nuther, 
 Wy one should take to feel in' cheap a minnit sooner 'n 
 
 t'other,
 
 100 THE EIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Sence both vvuz equilly to blame ; but things is ez 
 
 they be ; 
 It took on so they took it off, an' thet 's enough 
 
 fer me : 
 There 's one good thing, though, to be said about my 
 
 wooden new one, — 
 The liquor can't git into it ez 't used to in the true 
 
 one ; 
 So it saves drink ; an' then, besides, a feller could n't 
 
 beg 
 A gretter blessin' then to hev one oilers sober peg ; 
 It 's true a chap 's in want o' two fer follerin' a drum, 
 But all the march I 'm up to now is jest to Kingdom 
 
 Come. 
 
 I 've lost one eye, but thet 's a loss it's easy to supply 
 Out o' the glory thet I 've gut, fer thet is all my eye ; 
 An' one is big enough, I guess, by diligently usin' it, 
 To see all I shall ever git by way o' pay fer losin' it ; 
 Off'cers, I notice, who git paid fer all our thumps an' 
 
 kickins, 
 Du wal by keepin' single eyes arter the fattest pickins ;
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 101 
 
 So, ez the eye 's put fairly out, I '11 larn to go without it, 
 An' not allow myself {o be no gret put out about it. 
 Now, le' me see, thet is n't all ; I used, 'fore leavin' 
 
 Jaalam, 
 To count things on my finger-eends, but sutthin' seems 
 
 to ail 'em : 
 Ware 's my left hand ? O, darn it, yes, I recolloct wut 's 
 
 come on 't ; 
 I haint no left arm but my right, an' thet 's gut jest a 
 
 thumb on 't ; 
 It aint so hendy ez it wuz to cal'late a sum on 't. 
 I've hed some ribs broke, — six (I b'lieve), — I haint 
 
 kep' no account on 'em ; 
 Wen pensions git to be the talk, I '11 settle the amount 
 
 on 'em. 
 An' now I 'm speakin' about ribs, it kin' o' brings to mind 
 One thet I could n't never break, — the one I lef 
 
 behind ; 
 Ef you should see her, jest clear out the spout o' your 
 
 invention 
 An' pour the longest sweetnin' in about an annooal 
 
 pension.
 
 102 
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 An' kin' o' hint (in case, you know, the critter should 
 
 refuse to be 
 Consoled) I aint so 'xpensive now to keep ez wut I 
 
 used to be ; 
 There 's one arm less, ditto one eye, an' then the leg 
 
 thet 's wooden 
 Can be took off an' sot away wenever ther' 's a puddin'. 
 
 I spose you think I 'm comin' back ez opperlunt cz 
 thunder. 
 
 With shiploads o' gold images an' varus sorts o' plunder ; 
 
 Wal, 'fore I vuUinteered, I thought this country wuz a 
 sort o' 
 
 Canaan a regl'ar Promised Land flowin' with rum an' 
 water, 
 
 Ware propaty growed up like time, without no cultiva- 
 tion. 
 
 An' gold wuz dug ez taters be among our Yankee 
 nation, 
 
 Ware nateral advantages were pufficly amazin', 
 
 Ware every rock there wuz about with precious stuns 
 wuz blazin',
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 103 
 
 Ware mill-sites filled the country up ez thick ez you 
 
 could cram 'em, 
 An' desput rivers run about abeggin' folks to dam 'em ; 
 Then there v/ere meetinhouses, tu, chockful o' gold an' 
 
 silver 
 Thet you could take, an' no one could n't hand ye in no 
 
 bill fer ; — 
 Thet 's wut I thought afore I went, thet 's wut them 
 
 fellers told us 
 Thet stayed to hum an' speechified an' to the buzzards 
 
 sold us ; 
 I thought thet gold mines could be gut cheaper than 
 
 china asters. 
 An' see myself acomin' back like sixty Jacob Astors ; 
 But sech idees soon melted down an' did n't leave a 
 
 grease-spot ; 
 I vow my hoU sheer o' the spiles would n't come nigh a 
 
 V spot ; 
 Although, most anywares we 've ben, you need n't 
 
 break no locks, 
 Nor run no kin' o' risks, to fill your pocket full o' 
 
 rocks.
 
 104 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 I guess I mentioned in my last some o' the nateral 
 
 feeturs 
 O' this all-fiered buggy hole in th' way o'awfle creeturs, 
 But I fcrgut to name (new things to speak on so aboun- 
 ded) 
 How one day you '11 most die o' thust, an' 'fore the next 
 
 git drownded. 
 The clymit seems to me jest like a teapot made o' 
 
 pewter 
 Our Prudence hed, thet would n't pour (all she could 
 
 du) to suit her; 
 Fust place the leaves 'ould choke the spout, so 's not a 
 
 drop 'ould dreen out, 
 Then Prude 'ould tip an' tip an' tip, till the holl kit bust 
 
 clean out, 
 The kiver-hinge-pin bein' lost, tea-leaves an' tea an' 
 
 kiver 
 'ould all come down kersioosli ! ez though the dam 
 
 broke in a river. 
 Jest so 't is here ; hoU months there aint a day o' rainy 
 
 weather, 
 An' jest ez th' officers 'ould be alayin' heads together
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 105 
 
 Ez t' how they M mix their drink at sech a milingtary 
 
 deepot, — 
 'T 'ould pour ez though the hd wuz off the everlastin' 
 
 teapot. 
 The consequence is, thet I shall take, wen I 'm allowed 
 
 to leave here, 
 One piece o' propaty along, — an' thet 's the shakin' 
 
 fever ; 
 It 's reggilar employment, though, an' thet aint thought 
 
 to harm one, 
 Nor 't aint so tiresome ez it wuz with t' other les, an' 
 
 arm on ; 
 An' it 's a consolation, tu, although it doos n't pay, 
 To hev it said you 're some gret shakes in any kin' o' 
 
 way. 
 'T worn't very long, I tell ye wut, I thought o' fortin- 
 
 makin', — 
 One day a reg'lar shiver-de-freeze, an' next ez good ez 
 
 bakin', — 
 One day abrilin' in the sand, then smoth'rin' in the 
 
 mashes, — 
 Git up all sound, be put to bed a mess o' hacks an' 
 
 smashes.
 
 106 
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 But then, thinks I, at any rate there 's glory to be hed, — 
 Thet 's an investment, arter all, thet may n't turn out 
 
 so bad ; 
 But somehow, wen we 'd fit an' licked, I oilers found 
 
 the thanks 
 Gut kin' o' lodged afore they come ez low down ez the 
 
 ranks ; 
 The Gin'rals gut the biggest sheer, the Cunnles next, 
 
 an' so on, — 
 XVe never gut a blasted mite o' glory ez I know on ; 
 An' spose we hed, I wonder how you 're goin' to con- 
 trive its 
 Division so 's to give a piece to twenty thousand 
 
 privits ; 
 Ef you should multiply by ten the portion o' the brav'st 
 
 one. 
 You would n't git more 'n half enough to speak of on a 
 
 grave-stun ; 
 We git the licks, — we 're jest the grist thet 's put 
 
 into War's hoppers ; 
 Leftenants is the lowest grade thet helps pick up the 
 
 coppers.
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 107 
 
 It may suit folks thet go agin a body with a soul in 't, 
 An' aint contented with a hide without a bagnet hole 
 
 in 't; 
 But glory is a kin' o' thing I shan't pursue no furder, 
 Coz thet 's the off'cers parquisite, — yourn 's on'y jest 
 
 the murder. 
 
 Wal, arter I gin glory up, thinks I at least there 's one 
 Thing in the bills we aint hed yit, an' thet 's the glo- 
 
 EIOUS FUN ; 
 
 Ef once we git to Mexico, we fairly may persume we 
 All day an' night shall revel in the halls o' Montezumy. 
 1 '11 tell ye wut my revels wuz, an' see how you would 
 
 like 'em ; 
 We never cut inside the hall : the ni2;liest ever I come 
 Wuz stan'in' sentiy in the sun (an', fact, it seemed a 
 
 cent'ry) 
 A ketchin' smells o' biled an' roast thet come out thru 
 
 the entry, 
 An' hearin', ez I sweltered thru my passes an' repasses, 
 A rat-tat-too o' knives an' forks, a clinkty-clink o' 
 
 glasses :
 
 108 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 I can't tell off the bill o' fare the Gin'rals hed inside ; 
 All I know is, thet out o' doors a pair o' soles wuz 
 
 fried, 
 An' not a liunderd miles away frum ware this child wuz 
 
 posted, 
 A Massachusetts citizen wuz baked an' biled an' roasted ; 
 The on'y thing like revellin' thet ever come to me 
 Wuz bein' routed out o' sleep by thet darned revelee. 
 
 They say the quarrel 's settled now ; fer my part I 've 
 
 some doubt on 't, 
 'T '11 take more fish-skin than folks think to take the rile 
 
 clean out on 't ; 
 At any rate, I 'm so used up I can't do no more fightin', 
 The on'y chance thet 's left to me is politics or writin' ; 
 Now, cz the people 's gut to hev a milingtary man, 
 An' I aint nothin' else jest now, I 've hit upon a plan ; 
 The can'idatin' line, you know, 'ould suit me to a T, 
 An' ef I lose, 't wunt hurt my ears to lodge another flea ; 
 So I '11 set up ez can'idate fer any kin' o' office, 
 (I mean fer any thet includes good easy-cheers an' 
 
 soffies ;
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPEKS. 109 
 
 Fer ez to runnln' fer a place ware work 's the time 
 
 o' day, 
 You know thet 's wut I never did, — except the other 
 
 way ;) 
 Ef it 's the Presidential cheer fer wich I 'd better run, 
 Wut two legs anywares about could keep up with my 
 
 one ? 
 There aint no kin' o' quality in can'idates, it 's said. 
 So useful ez a wooden leg, — except a wooden head ; 
 There 's nothin' aint so poppylar — (wy, it 's a parfect 
 
 sin 
 To think wut Mexico hez paid fer Santy Anny's pin ;) — 
 Then I haint gut no principles, an', sence I wuz knee- 
 high, 
 I never did hev any gret, ez you can testify ; 
 I 'm a decided peace-man, tu, an' go agin the war, — 
 Fer now the holl on 't 's gone an' past, wut is there to 
 
 go for 7 
 Ef, wile you 're 'lectioneerin' round, some curus chaps 
 
 should beg 
 To know my views o' state affairs, jest answer wooden 
 
 leg!
 
 110 
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Ef they aint settisfied with thet, an' kin' o' pry an' doubt 
 An' ax fer sutthin' deffynit, jest say one eye put out ! 
 Thet kin' o' talk I guess you '11 find '11 answer to a 
 
 charm, 
 An' wen you 're druv tu nigh the wall, hoP up my 
 
 missin' arm ; 
 Ef they should nose round fer a pledge, put on a 
 
 vartoous look 
 An' tell 'em thet 's percisely wut I never gin nor — 
 
 took ! 
 
 Then you can call me " Timbertoes," — thet 's wut 
 
 the people likes ; 
 Sutthin' combinin' morril truth with phrases sech ez 
 
 strikes ; 
 Some say the people 's fond o' this, or thet, or wut you 
 
 please, — 
 I tell ye wut the people want is jest correct idees ; 
 '' Old TimDertoes," you see, 's a creed it 's safe to be 
 
 quite bold on. 
 There 's nothin' in 't the other side can any ways git 
 
 hold on ;
 
 •i.UE EIGLOW PAPERS. Ill 
 
 It 's a good tangible idee, a sutthin' to embody 
 
 Thet valooable class o' men who look thru brandy- 
 toddy ; 
 
 It gives a Party Platform, tu, jest level with the 
 mind 
 
 Of all right-thinkin', honest folks thet mean to go it 
 blind ; 
 
 Then there air other good hooraws to dror on ez you 
 need 'em, 
 
 Sech ez the one-eyed Slarterer, the bloody Birdo- 
 
 FREDUM ; 
 
 Them 's wut takes hold o' folks thet think, ez well ez 
 
 o' the masses, 
 An' makes you sartin o' the aid o' good men of all 
 
 classes. 
 
 There 's one thing I 'm in doubt about ; in order to be 
 
 Presidunt, 
 It 's absolutely ne'ssary to be a Southern residunt ; 
 The Constitution settles thet, an' also thet a feller 
 Must own a nigger o' some sort, jet black, or brown, or 
 
 yeller.
 
 112 THE EIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Now I haint no objections agin particklar climes, 
 Nor agin ownin' anythin' (except the truth sometimes), 
 But, ez I haint no capital, up there among ye, may be, 
 You mia;ht raise funds enough fer me to buv a low- 
 
 priced baby, 
 An' then, to suit the Northern folks, who feel obleeged 
 
 to say 
 They hate an' cuss the very thing they vote fer every 
 
 day. 
 Say you 're assured I go full butt fer Libbaty's diffusion 
 An' made the purchis on'y jest to spite the Institoo- 
 
 tion ; — 
 But, golly ! there 's the currier's hoss upon the pavement 
 
 pawin' ! 
 I '11 be more 'xplicit in my next. 
 Yourn, 
 
 BIRDOFREDUM SAWIN. 
 
 [ We have row a tolerably fair chance of estimating how the 
 balance-sheet stands between our returned volunteer and glory. 
 Supposing the entries to be set down on both sides of the account 
 in fractional parts of one hundred, we shall arrive at something 
 like the following result • —
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 113 
 
 Cr. B. Sawin, Esq., in account with (Blank) Glory. Dr. 
 
 By loss of one leg, . . 20 
 " do. one arm, . 15 
 " do. four fingers, . 5 
 " do. one eye, . 10 
 " the breaking of six ribs, 6 
 " having served under Col- 
 onel Cusliing one month, 44 
 
 E. E. 
 
 100 
 
 To one 675th three cheers in 
 
 Faneuil Hall, . . .30 
 " do. do. on 
 
 occasion of presentation of 
 SM'ord to Colonel Wright, 25 
 " one suit of gray clothes 
 
 (ingeniously unbecoming), 15 
 " musical entertainments 
 
 (drum and fife six months), 5 
 " one dinner after return, 1 
 " chance of pension, . 1 
 " privilege of drawing long- 
 bow during rest of natural 
 life, 23 
 
 100 
 
 It would appear that Mr. Sawin found the actual feast curious- 
 ly the reverse of the bill of fare advertised in Faneuil Hall and 
 other places. His primary object seems to have been the making 
 of his fortune. Qucerenda pecunia primum, virtus post nummos. He 
 hoisted sail for Eldorado, and shipm-ecked on Point Tribulation. 
 Quid non mortalia pectora cogis, auri sacra fames ? The specula- 
 tion has sometimes crossed my mind, in that dreaiy interval of 
 di'Oi ght which intervenes between quarterly stipendiary showers, 
 that Pro\-idcnce, by the creation of a money-tree, might have sim- 
 plified wonderfully the sometimes perplexing problem of human 
 life. We read of bread-trees, the butter for which lies ready- 
 churned in Irish bogs. Milk-trees we are assured of in South
 
 " 14 THE BIGLOW PAPERS, 
 
 America, and stout Sir John Hawkins testifies to water-trees in 
 the Canaries. Boot-trees bear abundantly in Lynn and elsewhere ; 
 and I have seen, in the entries of the wealthy, hat-trees with a fair 
 show of fruit. A family-tree I once cultivated myself, and found 
 therefrom but a scanty yield, and that quite tasteless and innu- 
 tritions. Of trees bearing men we are not without examples ; 
 as those in the park of Louis the Eleventh of France. Who has 
 forgotten, moreover, that olive-tree, growing in the Athenian's 
 back-garden, with its strange uxorious crop, for the general prop- 
 agation of which, as of a new and precious variety, the philoso- 
 pher Diogenes, hitherto uninterested in arboriculture, was so 
 zealous t In the si/!va of our own Southern States, the females 
 of my family have called my attention to the china-tree. Not to 
 multiply examples, I will barely add to my list the birch-tree, in 
 the smaller branches of which has been implanted so miraculous 
 a virtue for communicating the Latin and Greek languages, and 
 which may well, therefore, be classed among the trees producing 
 necessaries of life, — venerabile donum fatdlis virgce. That money- 
 trees existed in the golden age there want not prevalent reasons 
 for our believing. For does not the old proverb, when it asserts 
 that money does not grow on evety bush, imply a fortkri that 
 there were certain bushes which did produce it 1 Again, there is 
 another ancient saw to the effect that money is the root of all evil. 
 From which two adages it may be ?nfe to infer that the aforesaid 
 species of tree first degenerated into a shrub, then absconded un- 
 derground, and finally, in o'^r iron age, vanislied altogether. In 
 favorable exposures it may be conjectured that a specimen or two 
 survived to a great age, as in the garden of the Ilesperides ; and, 
 indeed, what else could that tree in the Sixth -iEneid have been, 
 with a branch whereof the Trojan hero procured admission to a
 
 THE BIGLOW TAPERS. 115 
 
 territory, for the entering of which money is a surer passport 
 than to a certain other more protitahle (too) foreign liingdom ? 
 Wliether these speculations of mine have any force in them, or 
 whether they will not rather, by most readers, be deemed imperti- 
 nent to tlie matter in liand, is a question wliich I leave to the de- 
 termination of an indulgent posterity. That there were, in more 
 primitive and happier times, shops where money was sold, — and 
 that, too, on credit and at a bargain, — I talce to be matter of 
 demonstration. For what but a dealer in this article was that 
 JEolus who supplied Ulysses with motive power for his fleet in 
 bags ■? What that Ericus, king of Sweden, who is said to have 
 kept the winds in his cap 1 "Wliat, in more recent times, those 
 Lapland Nomas who traded in favorable breezes ? All whicli will 
 appear the more clearly when we consider, that, even to this day, 
 raising the wind is proverbial for raising money, and that brokers 
 and banks were invented by the Venetians at a later period. 
 
 And now for the improvement of this digression. I find a 
 parallel to Mr. Sa^vin's fortune in an adventure of my own. For, 
 shortly after I had first broached to myself the before-stated 
 natural-historical and archa;ological theories, as I was passing, 
 licBC negotia penitus viecum revohens, through one of the obscure 
 suburbs of our New England metropolis, my eye was attracted by 
 these words upon a sign-board, — Cheap Cash-Store. Here 
 was at once the confirmation of my speculations, and the sub- 
 stance of my hopes. Here lingered the fragment of a happier 
 past, or stretched out the first tremulous organic filament of a 
 more fortunate future. Thus glowed the distant Mexico to tlie 
 eyes of Sawin, as he looked through the dirty pane of the recruit- 
 ino--ofiice window, or speculated from the summit of that mirage- 
 Pjsgah which the imps of the bottle are so cunning in raising up.
 
 116 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Already had my Alnaschar-fimcy (even during that first half 
 believing glance) expended in various useful directions the funds 
 to he ohtained by pledging the manuscript of a proposed volume 
 of discourses. Already did a clock ornament the tower of the 
 Jaalam meeting-house, a gift appropriately, but modestly, com 
 memorated in the parish and town records, both, for now many 
 years, kept by myself. Already liad my son Seneca completed his 
 course at the University. Whether, for the moment, we may not 
 be considered as actually lording it over those Baratarias with tlie 
 viceroyalty of which Hope invests us, and whether we are ever so 
 warmly housed as in our Spanish castles, would afford matter of 
 ai-gument. Enough that I found that sign-board to be no other 
 than a bait to the trap of a decayed grocer. Nevertlieless, I 
 bought a pound of dates (getting short weight by reason of im- 
 mense flights of harpy flies who pursued and lighted upon their 
 prey even in the very scales), which purchase I made, not only 
 with an eye to the little ones at home, but also as a figurative re- 
 proof of that too frequent habit of my mind, which, forgetting the 
 due order of chronology, will often persuade me that the happy 
 sceptre of Saturn is stretched over this Astra^a-forsaken nine- 
 teenth century. 
 
 Having glanced at the ledger of Glory under the title Sawin, J5., 
 let us extend our investigations, and discover if tliat instructive 
 volume does not contain some charges more personally interesting 
 to ourselves. I think we should be more economical of our re- 
 sources, did we thorougldy appreciate the fact, that, whenever 
 Brother Jonathan seems to be thrusting his hand into his own 
 pocket, he is, in fact, picking ours. I confess that the late muck 
 which the country has been running has materially changed my 
 views as to the best method of raising revenue. If, by means
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 117 
 
 of direct taxation, the bills for every extraordinary outlay were 
 brought under our immediate eye, so that, like thrifty housekeep- 
 ers, we could see where and how fast the money was going, we 
 should be less likely to commit extravagances. At present, these 
 things are managed in such a hugger-mugger way, that we know 
 not what we pay for; the poor man is charged as much as the 
 rich ; and, while we are saving and scrimping at the spigot, the 
 government is drawing off at the bung. If we could know that a 
 part of the money we expend for tea and coffee goes to buy 
 powder and balls, and that it is Mexican blood which makes the 
 clothes on our backs more costly, it would set some of us atliink- 
 ing. During the present fall, I have often pictured to myself a 
 government official entering my study and handing me the fol- 
 lowing bill : — 
 
 Washington, Sept. 30, 1848. 
 Rev. Homer Wilbur to SEnde Samuel, Dr. 
 To his share of Avork done in Mexico on partnership ac- 
 count, sundry jobs, as below. 
 " killing, maiming, and wounding about 5,000 Mexicans, S 2.00 
 " slaughtering one woman carrying water to wounded, . .10 
 " extra work on two different Sabbaths (one bombard- 
 ment and one assault) whereby the Mexicans were 
 prevented from defiling themselves with the idol- 
 atries of high mass, 3.50 
 
 " throwing an especially fortunate and Protestant bomb- 
 shell into the Cathedral at Vera Cruz, whereby sev- 
 eral female Papists were slain at the altar, . . .50 
 " his proportion of cash paid for conquered territory, . 1.75 
 " do. do. for conquering do., . . 1.50
 
 118 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 To manuring do. with new superior compost called 
 
 "American Citizen," 50 
 
 " extending the area of freedom and Protestantism, .01 
 " glory 01 
 
 $9.87 
 
 Immediate payment is requested. 
 
 N. B. Thankful for former favors, U. S. requests a continuance 
 of patronage. Orders executed with neatness and despatch. 
 Terms as low as those of any other contractor for the same kind 
 and style of work. 
 
 I can fancy the official answering my look of horror with, — 
 " Yes, Sir, it looks like a high charge, Sir ; but in these days 
 slaughtering is slaughtering." Verily, I would that every one 
 understood that it was ; for it goes about obtaining money under 
 the false pretence of being glory. For me, I have an imagina- 
 tion which plays me uncomfortable tricks. It happens to me 
 sometimes to see a slaughterer on his way home from his day's 
 work, and forthwith my imagination puts a cocked-hat upon his 
 head and epaulettes upon his shoulders, and sets him up as a can- 
 didate for the Presidency. So, also, on a recent public occasion, 
 as the place assigned to the " Keverend Clergy " is just behind 
 that of " Officers of the Army and Navy" in processions, it was 
 my fortune to be seated at the dinner-table over against one of 
 these respectable persons. He was an-aycd as (out of his own 
 profession) only kings, court-officers, and footmen are in Europe, 
 and Indians in America. Now what does my over-officious im- 
 agination but set to work upon him, strip him of his gay livery, 
 *nd present him to me coatless, his trowsers thrust into the tops
 
 THE EIGLOW PAPERS. 119 
 
 of a pair of boots tliick with clotted blood, and a basket on his 
 ann out of which lolled a gore-smeared axe, thereby destroying 
 my relish for the temporal mercies upon the board before me 1 — 
 II. W.]
 
 No. IX. 
 
 A TFIIRD LETTER FROM B. SAWIN, Esq. 
 
 [Upon the following letter slender comment will be needful. 
 In what river Selemnus has Mr. Sawin bathed, that he has become 
 so swiftly oblivious of his former lovfes ? From an ardent and (as 
 befits a soldier) confident wooer of that coy bride, the popular 
 favor, we see him subside of a sudden into the (I trust not jilted) 
 Cincinnatus, returning to his plough with a goodly-sized branch of 
 willow in his hand ; figuratively returning, however, to a figura- 
 tive plough, and from no profound affection for that honored im- 
 plement of husbandry, (for which, indeed, Mr. Sawin never dis- 
 played any decided predilection,) but in order to be gracefuUj' 
 summoned therefrom to more congenial laboi-s. It would seem 
 that the character of the ancient Dictator had become part of the 
 recognized stock of our modern political comedy, though, as our 
 term of office extends to a quadrennial length, the parallel is not 
 so minutely exact as could be desired. It is suflficiently so, how- 
 ever, for purposes of scenic representation. An humble cottage 
 (if built of logs, the better) forms the Arcadian back-ground of the 
 stage. This rustic paradise is labelled Ashland, Jaalam, North 
 Bend, Marshfield, Kinderhook, or Baton Rouge, as occasion de- 
 mands. Before the door stands a something with one handle (the
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 121 
 
 other painted in proper perspective), which represents, in happy 
 ideal vagueness, the plough. To this the defeated candidate 
 rushes with delirious joy, welcomed as a fother by appropriate 
 groups of happy laborers, or from it the successful one is torn with 
 difficulty, sustained alone by a noble sense of public duty. Only I 
 have observed, that, if the scene be laid at Baton Rouge or Ash- 
 land, the laborers are kept carefully in the background, and are 
 heard to shout from behind the scenes in a singular tone resem- 
 bling ululation, and accompanied by a sound not unlike vigorous 
 clapping. Tliis, however, may be artistically in keeping with the 
 habits of the rustic population of those localities. The precise 
 connection between agricultural pursuits and statesmanship I have 
 not been able, after diligent inquiry, to discover. But, that my 
 investigations may not be barren of all fruit, I will mention one 
 curious statistical fact, which I consider thoroughly established, 
 namely, that no real farmer ever attains practically beyond a seat 
 in General Court, however theoretically qualified for more exalted 
 station. 
 
 It is probable that some other prospect has been opened to 
 Mr. Sawin, and that lie has not made this great sacrifice without 
 some definite understanding in regard to a seat in the cabinet or a 
 foreign mission. It may be supposed that we of Jaalam were not 
 untouched by a feeling of villatic pride in beholding our towns- 
 man occupying so large a space in the public eye. And to me, 
 deeply revolving the qualifications necessary to a candidate in 
 these frugal times, those of Mr. S. seemed peculiarly adapted to a 
 successful campaign. The loss of a leg, an arm, an eye, and four 
 fingers, reduced him so nearly to the condition of a vox et prceterea 
 nihil, that I could think of nothing but the loss of his head by 
 which his chance could have been bettered. But since he has
 
 122 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 chosen to balk our suffrages, we must content ourselves with 
 what we can get, remembering lactucas non esse dandas, dum cardui 
 sufficiant. — H. W.] 
 
 I SPOSE you recollect thet I explained my gennle views 
 
 In the last billet thet I writ, 'way down frum Veery Cruze, 
 
 Jest arter I 'd a kind o' ben spontanously sot up 
 
 To run unanimously fer the Presidential cup ; 
 
 O' course it worn't no wish o' mine, 't wuz ferflely 
 
 distressin', 
 But poppiler enthusiasm gut so almighty pressin' 
 Thet, though like sixty all along I fumed an' fussed an' 
 
 sorrered, 
 There did n't seem no ways to stop their bringin' on me 
 
 forrerd : 
 Fact is, they udged the matter so, I could n't help ad- 
 
 mittin' 
 The Father o' his Country's shoes no feet but mine 
 
 'ould fit in, 
 Besides the savin' o' the soles fer ages to succeed, 
 Seein' thet with one wannut foot, a pair 'd be more 'n 
 
 I need ;
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 123 
 
 An', tell ye wut, them shoes '11 want a thund'rin' sight 
 o' patchin', 
 
 Ef this ere fashion is to last we 've gut into o' hatchin' 
 
 A pair o' second Washintons fer every new elec- 
 tion, — 
 
 Though, fur ez number one 's consarned, I don't make 
 no objection. 
 
 I wuz agoin' on to say thet wen at fust I saw 
 
 The masses would stick to 't I wuz the Country's father- 
 
 'n-law, 
 (They would ha' hed it Father, but I told 'em 't would 
 
 n't du, 
 Coz thet wuz sutthin' of a sort they could n't split 
 
 in tu. 
 An' Washinton hed hed the thing laid fairly to his 
 
 door. 
 Nor dars n't say 't worn't his'n, much ez sixty year 
 
 afore,) 
 But 't aint no matter ez to thet; wen I wuz nomer- 
 
 nated, 
 'T worn't natur but wut I should feel consid'able elated.
 
 124 THE EIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 An' wile the hooraw o' the thing wuz kind o' noo an' 
 
 fresh, 
 I thought our ticket would ha' caird the country with a resh. 
 
 Sence I 've come hum, though, an' looked round, I 
 
 think I seem to find 
 Strong argimunts ez thick ez fleas to make me change 
 
 my mind ; 
 It 's clear to any one whose brain ain't fur gone in a 
 
 phthisis, 
 Thet hail Columby's happy land is goin' thru a crisis, 
 An' 't would n't noways du to hev the people's mind 
 
 distracted 
 By bein' all to once by sev'ral pop'lar names attackted ; 
 'T would save holl haycartloads o' fuss an' three fuur 
 
 months o' jaw, 
 Ef some illustrous paytriot should back out an' with- 
 draw ; 
 So, ez I aint a crooked stick, jest like — like ole (I 
 
 swow, 
 I dunno ez I know his name) — I '11 go back to my 
 
 plough.
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 125 
 
 Now, 't aint no more 'ii is proper 'n' right in sech a 
 
 sitooation 
 To hint the course you think '11 be the savin' o' the 
 
 nation ; 
 To funk right out o' p'lit'cal strife aint thought to be 
 
 the thing, 
 Without you deacon off the toon you want your folks 
 
 should sing ; 
 So I edvise the noomrous friends thet 's in one boat with 
 
 me 
 To jest up hillock, jam right down their helium hard 
 
 a lee. 
 Haul the sheets taut, an' , laying out upon the Suthun 
 
 tack. 
 Make fer the safest port they can, wich, 1 think, is 
 
 Ole Zack. 
 
 Next thing you '11 want to know, I spose, wut argimunts 
 
 I seem 
 To see thet makes me think this ere '11 be the strongest 
 
 team ;
 
 1"36 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Fust place, I Ve ben consld'ble round in bar-rooms an' 
 
 saloons 
 Agethrin' public sentiment, 'mongst Demmercrats and 
 
 Coons, 
 An' 't aint ve'y ofTen thet I meet a chap but wut goes in 
 Fer Rough an' Ready, fair an' square, hufs, taller, 
 
 horns, an' skin ; 
 I don't deny but wut, fer one, ez fur ez I could see, 
 I didn't like at fust the Pheladelphy nomernee ; 
 I could ha' pinted to a man thet wuz, I guess, a peg 
 Higher than him, — a soger, tu, an' with a wooden leg; 
 But every day with more an' more o' Taylor zeal I 'm 
 
 burnin', 
 Seein' wich way the tide thet sets to office is aturnin' ; 
 Wy, into Bellers's we notched the votes down on three 
 
 sticks, — 
 'T wuz Birdofredum one, Cass aught, an' Taylor 
 
 twenty-six, 
 An', bein' the on'y canderdate thet wuz upon the 
 
 ground. 
 They said 't wuz no more 'n right thet I should pay the 
 
 drinks all round ;
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 127 
 
 Ef I 'd expected sech a trick, I would n't ha' cut my 
 
 foot 
 By goin' an' votin' fer myself like a consumed coot ; 
 It did n't make no diff 'rence, though ; I wish I may be 
 
 cust, 
 Ef Bellers wuz n't slim enough to say he would n't 
 
 trust ! 
 
 Another pint thet influences the minds o' sober jedges 
 Is thet the Gin'ral hez n't gut tied hand an' foot with 
 
 pledges ; 
 He hez n't told ye wut he is, an' so there aint no 
 
 knowin' 
 But wut he may turn out to be the best there is agoin' ; 
 This, at the on'y spot thet pinched, the shoe directly 
 
 eases, 
 Coz every one is free to 'xpect percisely wut he 
 
 pleases : 
 I want free-trade ; you don't ; the Gin'ral is n't bound to 
 
 neither ; — 
 I vote my way ; you, yourn ; an' both air sooted to a T 
 
 there. 
 
 -'f-
 
 128 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Ole Rough an' Ready, tu, 's a Wig, but without bein' 
 
 ultry 
 (He 's like a holsome hayinday, thet 's warm, but is n't 
 
 sukry) ; 
 He 's jest wut I should call myself, a kin' o' scratchy ez 
 
 't ware, ' 
 
 Thet aint exacly all a wig nor wholly your own 
 
 hair ; 
 I 've ben a Wig three weeks myself, jest o' this mod- 
 
 'rate sort. 
 An' don't find them an' Demmercrats so different ez I 
 
 thought ; 
 They both act pooty much alike, an' push an' scrouge 
 
 an' cus ; 
 They 're like two pickpockets in league fer Uncle Sam- 
 well's pus ; 
 Each takes a side, an' then they squeeze the old man in 
 
 between 'em. 
 Turn all his pockets wrong side out an' quick ez light- 
 
 nin' clean 'em ; 
 To nary one on 'em I 'd trust n secon'-handed rail 
 No furder off 'an I could sling a bullock by the tail.
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPEES, 129 
 
 Webster sot matters right in thet air Mashfiel' speech 
 
 o' his'ti ; — 
 "Taylor," scz he, "aint nary ways the one thct I M a 
 
 chizzen, 
 Nor he aint fittin' fer the place, an' like ez not he aint 
 No more 'n a tough ole bullcthead, an' no grot of a 
 
 saint ; 
 But then," sez he, " obsarve my pint, he 's jest ez good 
 
 to vote fer 
 Ez though the greasin' on him worn't a thing to hire 
 
 Choate fer ; 
 Aint it ez easy done to drop a ballot in a box 
 Fer one ez 't is fer t' other, fer the bulldog ez the fox ? " 
 It takes a mind like Dannel's, fact, ez big ez all on' doors, 
 To find out thet it looks like rain arter it fairly pours ; 
 I 'gree with him, it aint so dreffle troublesome to vote 
 Fer Taylor arter all, — it 's jest to go an' change your 
 
 coat ; 
 Wen he 's once greased, you '11 swaller him an' 
 
 never know on 't, scurce. 
 Unless he scratches, goin' down, with them air Gin- 
 
 'ral's spurs. 
 
 9
 
 loO THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 I 've ben a votin' Demmercrat, ez reg'lar ez a clock. 
 But don't find goia' Taylor gives my narves no gret 'f a 
 
 shock ; 
 Truth is, the cutest leadin' Wigs, ever sence fust they 
 
 found 
 Wich side the bread gut buttered on, hev kep' a edgin' 
 
 round ; 
 They kin' o' slipt the planks frum out th' ole platform 
 
 one by one 
 An' made it gradooally noo, 'fore folks know'd wut 
 
 vvuz done, 
 Till, fur 'z I know, there aint an inch thet I could lay 
 
 my han' on. 
 But I, or any Demmercrat, feels comf 'table to stan' on. 
 An' ole Wig doctrines act'lly look, their occ'pants bein' 
 
 gone. 
 Lonesome ez staddles on a mash without no hay- 
 ricks on. 
 
 I spose it 's time now I should give my thoughts upon 
 
 the plan, 
 Thet chipped the shell at Buffalo, o' settin' up ole Van.
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 131 
 
 I used to vote fer Martin, but, I swan, I 'm clean dis- 
 gusted, — 
 He aint the man thet I can say is fittin' to be trusted ; 
 He aint half antislav'ry 'nough, nor I aint sure, ez 
 
 some be, 
 He 'd go in fer abolishin' the Deestrick o' Columby ; 
 An', now I come to recollect, it kin' o' makes me sick 'z 
 A horse, to think o' wut he wuz In eighteen thirty-six. 
 An' then, another thing ; — I guess, though mebby I am 
 
 wrong, 
 This Buff'lo plaster aint agoin' to dror almighty strong ; 
 Some folks, I know, hev gut th' idee thet No'thun dough 
 
 '11 rise, 
 Though, 'fore I see it riz an' baked, I would n't trust 
 
 my eyes ; 
 'T will 'take more emptins, a long chalk, than this noc 
 
 party 's gut. 
 To give sech heavy cakes ez them a start, I tell ye wut. 
 But even ef they caird the day, there would n't be no 
 
 endurin' 
 To stand upon a platform with sech critters ez Van 
 
 Buren; —
 
 132 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 An' his son John, tu, I can't think how thet air chap 
 
 should dare 
 To speak ez he doos ; wy, they say he used to cuss an' 
 
 swear ! 
 I spose he never read the hymn thet tells liow down the 
 
 stairs 
 A feller with long legs wuz throwed thet would n't say 
 
 his prayers. 
 
 This brings me to another pint : the leaders o' the 
 
 party 
 Aint jest sech men ez I can act along with free an' 
 
 hearty ; 
 They aint not quite respectable, an' wen a feller's 
 
 morrils 
 Don't toe the straightest kin' o' mark, wy, him an' me 
 
 jest quarrils. 
 I went to a free soil meetin' once, an' wut d' ye think 
 
 I see? 
 A feller wuz aspoutin' there thet act'lly come to me, 
 About two year ago last spring, ez nigh ez I can jedge, 
 An' axed me ef I didn't want to sign the Temprunce 
 
 pledge !
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 133 
 
 He 's one o' them thet goes about an'' sez you lied n't 
 ough' to 
 
 Drink notliin', mornin', noon, or night, stronger 'an 
 Taunton water. 
 
 There 's one rule I 've ben guided by, in settlin' how to 
 vote, oilers, — 
 
 I take the side thet is n't took by them consarned tee- 
 totallers. 
 
 Ez fer the niggers, I 've ben South, an' thet hez changed 
 
 my mind ; 
 A lazier, more ungrateful set you coitld n't nowers 
 
 find. 
 You know I mentioned in my last thet I should buy a 
 
 nigger, 
 Ef I could make a purchase at a pooty mod'rate figger ; 
 So, ez there 's nothin' in the world I 'm fonder of 'an 
 
 gunnin', 
 I closed a bargin finally to take a feller runnin'. 
 I shou'dered queen's-arm an' stumped out, an' wen I 
 
 come t' th' swamp, 
 'T worn't very long afore I gut upon the nest o' Pomp ;
 
 134 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 I come acrost a kin' o' hut, an', playin' round the door, 
 Some little woolly-headed cubs, ez many 'z six or more. 
 At fust I thought o' firin', but think twice is safest oilers ; 
 There aint, thinks I, not one on em' but 's wuth his 
 
 twenty dollars, 
 Or would be, ef I hed 'em back into a Christian land, — 
 How teinptin' all on 'em would look upon an auction- 
 stand ! 
 (Not but wut I hate Slavery in th' abstract, stem to 
 
 starn, — 
 I leave it ware our fathers did, a privit State consarn.) 
 Soon 'z they see me, they yelled an' run, but Pomp 
 
 wuz out ahoein' 
 A leetle patch o' corn he hed, or else there aint no 
 
 knowin' 
 He would n't ha' took a pop at me ; but I hed gut the 
 
 start. 
 An' wen he looked, I vow he groaned ez though he 'd 
 
 broke his heart ; 
 He done it like a wite man, tu, ez nat'ral ez a pictur. 
 The imp'dunt, pis'nous hypocrite ! wus 'an a boy con- 
 
 strictur.
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 135 
 
 " You can't gum me, I tell ye now, an' so you need n't 
 
 try, 
 I 'xpect my eye-teeth every mail, so jest shet up," 
 
 sez I. 
 " Don't go to actin' ugly now, or else I '11 jest let strip. 
 You 'd best draw kindly, seein' 'z how I 've gut ye on 
 
 the hip ; 
 Besides, you darned ole fool, it aint no gret of a 
 
 disaster 
 To be benev'lently druv back to a contented master, 
 Ware you hed Christian priv'ledges you don't seem 
 
 quite aware of. 
 Or you 'd ha' never run away from bein' well took 
 
 care of; 
 Ez fer kin' treatment, wy, he wuz so fond on ye, he 
 
 said 
 He 'd give a fifty spot right out, to git ye, 'live or 
 
 dead ; 
 Wite folks aint sot by half ez much ; 'member I run 
 
 away, 
 Wen I wuz bound to Cap'n Jakes, to Mattysqumscot 
 
 bay;
 
 136 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 Don' know him, likely? Spose not ; wal, the mean ole 
 
 codger went 
 An' offered — wut reward, think ? Wal, it worn't no 
 
 less 'n a cent." 
 
 Wal, I jest gut 'em into line, an druv 'em on afore me, 
 The pis'nous brutes, I 'd no idee o' the ill-will they 
 
 bore me ; 
 We walked till som'ers about noon, an' then it grew 
 
 so hot 
 I thought it best to camp awile, so I chose out a spot 
 Jest under a magnoly tree, an' there right down I sot ; 
 Then I unstrapped my wooden leg, coz it begun to 
 
 chafe. 
 An' laid it down jest by my side, supposin' all wuz safe ; 
 I made my darkies all set down around me in a ring. 
 An' sot an' kin' o' ciphered up how much the lot 
 
 would bring ; 
 But, wile I drinked the peaceful cup of a pure heart 
 
 an' mind, 
 (Mixed with some wiskey, now an' then,) Pomp he 
 
 snaked up behind,
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPEKS. 137 
 
 An', creepin' grad'Ily close tu, ez quiet ez a mink, 
 Jest grabbed my leg, and then pulled foot, quicker 'an 
 
 you could wink, 
 An', come to look, they each on 'em hed gut behin' a 
 
 tree, 
 An' Pomp poked out the leg a piece, jest so ez I could 
 
 see. 
 An' yelled to me to throw away my pistils an' my 
 
 gun, 
 Oi else thet they 'd cair off the leg an' fairly cut the 
 
 run. 
 I vow T did n't b'lieve there wuz a decent alligatur 
 Thet hed a heart so destitoot o' common human natur ; 
 However, ez there worn't no help, I finally give in 
 An' heft my arms away to git my leg safe back agin. 
 Pomp gethered all the weapins up, an' then he come 
 
 an' grinned, 
 lie showed his ivory some, I guess, an' sez, " You 're 
 
 fairly pinned ; 
 Jest buckle on your leg agin, an' git right up an' come, 
 'T wun't du fer fammerly men like me to be so long 
 
 from hum."
 
 ]3S THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 At fust I put my foot right down an' swore I would n't 
 
 budij;e. 
 " Jest ez you choose," sez he, quite <"ool, " either be 
 
 shot or trudge." 
 So this black-hearted monster took an' act'lly druv me 
 
 back 
 Along the vely feetmarks o' my happy mornin' track, 
 An' kep' me pris'ner 'bout six months, an' worked me, 
 
 tu, like sin. 
 Till I hed gut his corn an' his Carliny taters in ; 
 He made me lam him readin', tu, (although the crlttur 
 
 saw 
 How much it hut my morril sense to act agin the 
 
 law,) 
 So 'st he could read a Bible he 'd gut ; an' axed ef I 
 
 could pint 
 The North Star out ; but there I put his nose some out 
 
 o' jint, 
 Fer I weeled roun' about sou'west, an', lookiu' up a 
 
 bit, 
 Picked out a middlin' shiny one an' tole him thet 
 
 wuz it.
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 139 
 
 Finally, he took me to the door, an', givin' me a kick, 
 Sez, — " Ef you know wut 's best fer ye, be off, now, 
 
 double-quick ; 
 The winter-time 's a comin' on, an', though I gut ye 
 
 cheap, 
 You 're so darned lazy, I don't think you 're hardly 
 
 wuth your keep ; 
 Besides, the childrin's growin' up, an' you aint jest the 
 
 model 
 I 'd like to hev 'em immertate, an' so you 'd better 
 
 toddle ! " 
 
 Now is there any thin' on airth '11 ever prove to me 
 Thet renegader slaves like him air fit fer bein' 
 
 free ? 
 D' you think they '11 suck me in to jine the Buff'lo 
 
 chaps, an' them 
 Rank infidels thet go agin the Scriptur'l cus o' Shem ? 
 Not by a jugfull ! sooner 'n thet, I 'd go thru fire an' 
 
 water ; 
 Wen I hev once made up my mind, a meet'nhus aint 
 
 setter ;
 
 140 
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 No, not though all the crows thet flies to pick my bones 
 
 wuz cavvin', — 
 I guess we 're in a Christian land, — 
 
 Yourn, 
 
 BIRDOFREDUM SAWIN. 
 
 [ Here, patient reader, we take leave of each other, I trust with 
 Bome mutual satisfaction. I say patient, for I love not that kind 
 which skims dippingly over the surface of the page, as swallows 
 over a pool before rain. By such no pearls shall be gathered. 
 But if no pearls there be (as, indeed, the world is not without ex- 
 ample of books wliercfrom the longest-winded diver shall bring 
 up no more than his proper handful of mud), yet let us hope 
 that an oyster or two may reward adequate perseverance. If 
 neither pearls nor oysters, yet is patience itself a gem worth 
 diving deeply for. 
 
 It may seem to some that too much space has been usurped by 
 my own private lucul)rations, and some may be fain to bring 
 against me that old jest of him wlio preached all his lienrcrs out 
 of tlie meeting-house save only tlie sexton, wlio, remaininu- for yet 
 a little space, from a sense of official duty, at last gave out also, 
 and, presenting the keys, humbly requested our prcaclicr to lock 
 the doors, when he should have wholly relieved himself of his 
 testimony. I confess to a satisfaction in the self act of preaching, 
 nor do I esteem a discourse to be wholly thrown away even upon 
 a sleeping or unintelligent auditory. I cannot easily believe that 
 the Gospel of Saint John, which Jacques Cartier ordered to be read
 
 THE BIGLOW PAPEKS. 14i 
 
 in the Latin tonsiuc to tlie Canadian savages, upon his tivst meet- 
 ing with them, (I'll altogether upon stony ground. For the earnest- 
 ness of the preacher is a sermon appreciable by dullest intellects 
 and most alien cars. In this wise did Episcopius eonvert many 
 to liis opinions, who yet understood not the language in which 
 he discoursed. The chief thing is, that the messenger believe 
 that he has an authentic message to deliver. For counterfeit 
 messengers that mode of ti-eatment which Father John de Piano 
 Carpini relates to have prevailed among the Tartars would seem 
 effectual, and, perhaps, deserved enough. For my own part, I 
 may lay claim to so much of the spirit of nuirtyrdom as would 
 have led me to go into banishment with those clergymen whom 
 Alphonso the Sixth of Portugal drave out of his kingdom for re- 
 fusing to shorten their pulpit eloquence. It is possible, that, hav- 
 ing been invited into my brother Biglow's desk, I may have been 
 too little scrupulous in using it for the venting of my own pe- 
 culiar doctrines to a congregation drawn together in the expec- 
 tation and witli the desire of hearing him. 
 
 I am not wholly unconscious of a peculiarity of mental organiza- 
 tion which impels me, like the railroad-engine with its train of cars, 
 to run backward for a short distance in order to obtain a ftiirer 
 start. I may compare myself to one fishing from the rocks when 
 the sea runs high, who, misinterpreting the suction of the under- 
 tow for the biting of some larger fish, jerks suddenly, and finds 
 that he has cniifjht bottom, hauling in upon the end of his line a 
 trail of various al(]ce, among which, nevertheless, the naturalist 
 may haply find somewhat to repay the disappointment of the an- 
 gler. Yet have I conscientiously endeavoured to adapt myself to 
 the impatient temper of the age, daily degenerating more and 
 more from the high standard of our pristine New England. To
 
 1 *'3 THE BTGLOW PAPERS. 
 
 the catalogue of lost arts I would mournfully add also that of 
 listening to two-hour sermons. Surely we have been abridged 
 into a race of pigmies. For, truly, in those of the old discourses 
 yet subsisting to us in print, the endless spinal column of divisions 
 and subdivisions can be likened to nothing so exactly as to the 
 vertebra; of the saurians, whence the theorist may conjecture a 
 race of Anakim proportionate to the withstanding of these other 
 monsters. I say Anakim rather than Nephelim, because there 
 seem reasons for supposing that the race of those whose heads 
 (though no giants) are constantly enveloped in clouds (which that 
 name imports) mil never become extinct. The attempt to van- 
 quish the innumerable heads of one of those aforementioned dis- 
 courses may supply us with a plausible interpretation of the sec- 
 ond labor of Hercules, and his successful experiment with fire 
 aiFords us a useful precedent. 
 
 But while I lament the degeneracy of the age in this regard, I 
 cannot refuse to succumb to its influence. Looking out through 
 my study-window, I see Mr. Biglow at a distance busy in gather- 
 ing his Baldwins, of which, to judge by the number of barrels 
 lying about under the trees, his crop is more abundant than my 
 own, — by which sight I am admonished to turn to those orchards 
 of the mind wherein my labors may be more prospered, and apply 
 myself diligently to the preparation of my next Sabbath's dis- 
 com-se. — 11. W.]
 
 GLOSSARY. 
 
 Act'lly, actually. 
 Air, are. 
 Airth, eaHh. 
 Airy, area. 
 Arce, area. 
 Arter, ajler. 
 Ax, ask. 
 
 B. 
 
 Beller, bellow. 
 Bellowses, lungs. 
 Ben, been. 
 Bile, boll. 
 
 Bimeby, by and by. 
 Blurt onf, to speak bluntly. 
 Bust, burst. 
 
 Buster, a roistering blade ; used 
 also as a general superlative. 
 
 Caird. carried. 
 Cairn, carrying. 
 Caleb, a turncoat. 
 Cal'late, calculate. 
 Cass, a person luith two lives. 
 Close, clothes. 
 Cockerel, a young cock. 
 Cocktail, a kind of drink; also, 
 an ornament peculiar to soldiers. 
 
 Convention, a place where peo- 
 ple are imposed on ; a juggler''s 
 show. 
 
 Coons, a cant term for a now de- 
 funct party ; derived, perhaps, 
 from the fact of their being 
 commonly up a tree. 
 
 Cornwallis, a sort of muster in 
 masquerade ; supposed to have 
 had its origin soon after the 
 Eevolution, and to commem- 
 orate the surrender of Lord 
 Cornwallis. It took the place 
 of the old Guy Fawkes pro- 
 cession. 
 
 Crooked stick, a perverse, fro- 
 icard person. 
 
 Cunnle, a colonel. 
 
 Cus, a curse ; also, a pitiful fellow. 
 
 D. 
 
 Darsn't, nsed indiscriminately, 
 either in singular or plural 
 number, for dare not, dares not, 
 and dared not. 
 
 Deacon off, to give the cue to ; 
 derived from a custom, once 
 universal, hut now extinct, in 
 our New England Congrcga 
 tional churches. An impor- 
 tant part of the office of dea- 
 con was to read aloud the
 
 144 
 
 GLOSSARY. 
 
 hymns (jiven out by the min- 
 ister, one line at a time, the 
 conjire^ation singing each line 
 as soon as read. 
 
 Demmercrat, leadin', one in "/a- 
 vorofextciidiiKj slaceri/ ; a free- 
 trade Ircturer maintained in the 
 custom-house. 
 
 Desput, desperate. 
 
 Doos, dois. 
 
 Dougliface, a rojitentedl>rl--spittle : 
 a common variety of Korthcru 
 politician. 
 
 Dror, draw. 
 
 Du, do. 
 
 Dnnno, dno, do not or does not 
 know. 
 
 Dut, dirt. 
 
 E. 
 
 Eend, end. 
 
 Ef, if. 
 
 Emptins. yeast. 
 
 EnvV, enrol/. 
 
 Everlasting, an intensive, Avith- 
 
 out reference to duration. 
 EvV, eceri/. 
 Ez, as. 
 
 E. 
 
 Fer, /or. 
 
 Ferfie, ferful, fearful; also an 
 
 intensive. 
 Tm\fnd. 
 Fish-skin, used in New England 
 
 to clarify coffee. 
 Fix, a dijfinilti/, a nonplus. 
 Foller, folly, to follow. 
 Fon-erd , forward. 
 'Frum, from. 
 Tm; far. 
 Turdei;farther. 
 
 Fun'er, furrow. Metaphorically, 
 to draw a strain/lit furrow is to 
 live u]jnghtlj or decorously. 
 
 Fast, Jirst. 
 
 G. 
 
 Gin, gave. 
 
 Git, get. 
 
 Grct, great. 
 
 Grit, spiri-f^ en ergjj, pluck. 
 
 Grout, to sulk. 
 
 Grouty, crabbed, surlij. 
 
 Gum, to iiii/iiise oil. 
 
 (iump, a foolish fdlow, a dullard. 
 
 Gut, got. 
 
 H. 
 
 Hed. had. 
 
 Heern, heard. 
 
 Helium, helm.. 
 
 Hendy, hundi/. 
 
 Het, heated. 
 
 Hev, have. 
 
 Hez, has. 
 
 Holl, whole. 
 
 Holt, hold. 
 
 Hut; hoof. 
 
 Hull, whole. 
 
 Hum, home. 
 
 Humbug, General Tai/lor''s anti- 
 
 slavery. 
 Hut, hurt. 
 
 Tdno, T do not know. 
 
 In'iny, eneini/. 
 
 Insiues, ensigns ; u«cd to desig- 
 nate both the olticer wlio car- 
 ries the standard, and the 
 standard itself. 
 
 Inter, iutu, into.
 
 GLOSSARY. 
 
 145 
 
 J. 
 
 Jedge, judge. 
 Jest, ./"s<. 
 Jine, jo/m. 
 i'mt, joint. 
 
 Junk. (I fragment of any solid sith- 
 stance. 
 
 K 
 
 Keer, rare. 
 
 Kep, k('/)t. 
 
 Killock, a swall anchor. 
 
 Kin', kin' o', kinder, kind, kind of. 
 
 L. 
 
 Lawth, Joafh. 
 
 Let (liiv-liuht into, to shoot. 
 
 Let on, to hint, to confess, to own. 
 
 Lick, to heat, to overcome. 
 
 Lights, the bowels. 
 
 Lily-pads, leaves of the ivater-ldy. 
 
 Long-sweetening, molasses. 
 
 M. 
 
 Mash, marsh. 
 
 ]\Ican, stingy, ill-natured. 
 
 Min', mind. 
 
 N. 
 
 Nimcpnnoe, ninepence, twelve and 
 
 a ha f cents. 
 Nowers, nowhere. 
 
 O. 
 
 Offcn, often. 
 Ole, old. 
 
 Oilers, ollnz, always. 
 
 On, of; used hcforc it or them, or 
 at the end of a sentence, as, 
 on 'i, on 'em, nut ez ever I heerd 
 on. 
 
 On'y, only. 
 
 Ossifer, officer (seldom heard). 
 
 Peaked, pointed. 
 
 Peek, to j)eep. 
 
 Pickerel, the pike, a fsh. 
 
 Pint, poittt. 
 
 Poiket full of roeks, plenty of 
 
 money. 
 Pooty, pretty. 
 Pop'ler, conceited, popidar. 
 I'us, purse. 
 Put out, troubled, vexed. 
 
 Q. 
 
 Quarter, a rpiaiier-dollar. 
 Queen's arm, a musket. 
 
 K. 
 
 Pesh, rush. 
 
 Rcvelee, the rdveille. 
 
 Pile, to trouble. 
 
 Riled, angry ; disturbed, as the 
 
 sediment in any liquid. 
 Piz, risen. 
 Pow, a long row to lioc, a diffi 
 
 cult task. 
 Ruirtied. robust. 
 
 s. 
 
 Sarse, abuse, impertinence. 
 Sartin, certain. 
 
 10
 
 146 
 
 GLOSSARY. 
 
 Saxon, sacristan, sexton. 
 
 Scaliest, worst. 
 
 Scringe, criuf/e. 
 
 Scrouge, to crowd. 
 
 Secli, such. 
 
 Set by, valued. 
 
 Shakes, great, of considerable con- 
 sequence. 
 
 Sliappoes, chapeaux, cocked-hats. 
 
 Slieer, share. 
 
 Shot, shut. 
 
 Shut, shirt. 
 
 Skeered, scared. 
 
 Skeetcr, mosquito. 
 
 Skooting, running, or moving 
 swiftly. 
 
 Slarterin', slaughtering. 
 
 Slim, contemptible. 
 
 Snaked, crawled like a snake ; but 
 to snake any one out is to track 
 him to his hiding-place; to 
 snake a thing out is to snatch 
 it out. 
 
 Soffies, sofas. 
 
 Sogerin', soldiering ; a barbarous 
 amusement common among 
 men in the savage state. 
 
 Som'crs, somewhere. 
 
 So 'st, so as that. 
 
 Sot, set, obstinate, resolute. 
 
 Spiles, spoils; objects of political 
 ambition. 
 
 Spry, active. 
 
 Staiidles, stout stakes driven in- 
 to the salt marshes, on wliicli 
 the hay-ricks are set, and thus 
 raised out of the reach of high 
 tides. 
 
 Streaked, uncomfortable, discom- 
 fited. 
 
 Suckle, circle. 
 
 Suttliin', something. 
 
 Suttin, certain. 
 
 Take on, to sorrow. 
 
 Talents, talons. 
 
 Tatcrs, potatoes. 
 
 Tell, tdl. 
 
 Tetch, touch. 
 
 Tetch tu, to be able ; used always 
 after a negative in this sense. 
 
 Tollable, tolerable. 
 
 Toot, used derisively for playing 
 on any wind instrument. 
 
 Tliru, fJirongh. 
 
 Thundering, a euphemism com- 
 mon in New England, for the 
 profane English exjn'cssion 
 devilish. Perhaps derived from 
 the belief, common formerly, 
 tliat thunder was caused by tlie 
 Prince of the Air, for some of 
 whose accomplishments con- 
 sult Cotton Mather. 
 
 Tu, to, too; commonly has this 
 sound when used emphatical- 
 ly, or at the end of a sentence. 
 At other times it has tlie sound 
 of t in tough, as, Ware ye goin' 
 tu ? Coin' ta Boston. 
 
 U. 
 
 Ugly, ill-tempered, intractable. 
 Uncle Sam, United States ; the 
 
 largest boaster of liberty and 
 
 owner of slaves. 
 Unrizzest, applied to dough or 
 
 bread ; heavy, most unrisen, or 
 
 most incapable of rising. 
 
 V spot, a five-dollar bill. 
 Vally, value.
 
 GLOSSARY. 
 
 147 
 
 w. 
 
 Wake snakes, to get into trouble. 
 
 Wal, well; spoken with great 
 deliberation, and sometimes 
 ■with the a very much flat- 
 tened, sometimes (hut more 
 seldom) very much broadened. 
 
 "Wannut, u-alnut {hickoi-y). 
 
 Ware, where. 
 
 Ware, were. 
 
 Wliopper, an ■uncommonhj large 
 lie; as, that General Taylor is 
 in favor of the Wihnot Pro- 
 viso. 
 
 Wig, \]liig ; a party now dis- 
 solved. 
 
 Wunt, icill not. 
 
 Was, tcorse. 
 
 Wut, wliat. 
 
 Wuth, worth ; as, Aiitislnvrri/ pcr- 
 fessions yore Heclion aint wuth a 
 Binigtowrt copper. 
 
 Wuz, was, sometimes were. 
 
 Yaller, yelloiu. 
 Teller, yellow. 
 Tellers, a disease of peach-trees. 
 
 Zaeh, Ole, a second Washington, 
 an antislavery slnn-liotder, a 
 humane buyer and .teller of men 
 and women, a Christian hero 
 generally.
 
 INDEX. 
 
 A. B., information wanted con- 
 cerniiii;, 86. 
 
 Adam, eldest son of, respected, 
 11. 
 
 ^neas goes to hell, 114. 
 
 Mollis, a seller of money, as is 
 suppo-;ed by some, 115. 
 
 ^seliylus, a saying of, 58, note. 
 
 Alligator, a decent one conjec- 
 tured to be, in some sort, hu- 
 mane, 137. 
 
 Alplionso tlie Sixth of Portugal, 
 tyrannical act of, 141. 
 
 Ambrose, Saint, excellent (but 
 rationalistic) sentiment of, 
 40. 
 
 "American Citizen," new com- 
 post so called, 118. 
 
 Ajncrican Eagle, a source 
 of inspiration, 50 — hitherto 
 wronslv classed, 58 — long 
 bill of, 59. 
 
 Amos, cited, 40. 
 
 Anakim, that they formerly ex- 
 isted, shown, 142. 
 
 Angels, providentially speak 
 French, 28 — conjectured to 
 be skilled ir all tongues, ih. 
 
 Anglo-Saxondom, its idea, what, 
 26. 
 
 Anglo-Saxon mask, 26. 
 
 Anglo-Saxon race, 20. 
 
 Anglo-Saxon verse, by whom 
 carried to perfection, 13. 
 
 Antonius, a speech of, 45 — by 
 whom best reported, ib. 
 
 Apocalypse, beast in, magnetic 
 to theologians, 94. 
 
 Apollo, confessed moi'tal by his 
 own oracle, 94. 
 
 Apollyon, his tragedies popular, 
 82. 
 
 Appian, an Alexandrian, not 
 equal to Shakspeare as an 
 orator, 45. 
 
 Ararat, ignorance of foreign 
 tongues is an, 60. 
 
 Arcadian background, 120. 
 
 Aristophanes, 39. 
 
 Arms, profession of, once es- 
 teemed especially that of gen- 
 tlemen, 12. 
 
 Arnold, 47. 
 
 Ashland, 120. 
 
 Astor, Jacob, a rich man, 103. 
 
 Astrsea, nineteenth century for- 
 saken by, 116. 
 
 Athenians, ancient, an institu- 
 tion of, 46. 
 
 Athcrton, Senator, envies the 
 loon, 69. 
 
 Austin, St., profane wish of, 43. 
 note. 
 
 Aye-Aye, the, an African ani- 
 mal, America supposed to be 
 settled by, 31.
 
 150 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 Babel, probably the first Con- 
 gress, 60 — a gabble-mill, ib. 
 
 Baby, a low-priced one, 112. 
 
 Bagowind, Hon. Mr., whether to 
 be damned, 72. 
 
 Baldwin apples, 142. 
 
 Baratarias, real or imaginaiy, 
 which most pleasant, 116. 
 
 Barnum, a great natural curiosi- 
 ty recommended to, 55. 
 
 Barrels, jin inference from see- 
 ing, 142. 
 
 Baton Rouge, 120 — strange pe- 
 culiarities of laborers at, 121. 
 
 Baxter, R., a saying of, 41. 
 
 Bay, Mattj'squmscot, 135. 
 
 Bay State, singular effect pro- 
 duced on military officers by 
 leaving it, 27. 
 
 Beast in Apocalypse, a load- 
 stone for whom, 94. 
 
 Beelzebub, his rigadoon, 70. 
 
 Behmen, his letters not letters, 
 86. 
 
 Bellcrs, a saloon-keeper, 126 — 
 inhumanly refuses credit to a 
 presidential candidate, 127. 
 
 Biglow, Ezekiel, Ms letter to 
 Hon. J. T. Buckingham, 1 — 
 never heard of any one named 
 Mundishes, 3 — nearly four- 
 score years old, ib. — his aunt 
 Keziah, a notable saying of, ib. 
 
 Biglow, Hosca, excited by com- 
 position, 2 — a poem by, 3,75 
 
 — his opinion of war, 5 — 
 wanted at home by Nancy, 8 
 
 — recommends a forcible en- 
 listment of warlike editors, ib. 
 
 — would not wonder, if gen- 
 erally agreed with, 9 — versi- 
 fies letter of Mr. Sawin, 13 — 
 a letter from, 14, 65 — his 
 opinion of Mr. Sawin, 15 — 
 
 does not deny fun at Cora 
 wallis, 16, note — his idea of 
 militia glory, 21, note — a pun 
 of, 22, 7wte — is uncertain in 
 regard to peoi^le of Boston, ib. 
 
 — had never heard of Mr. 
 John P. Robinson, 32 — cili- 
 quid sufflaminandus, 33 — his 
 poems attributed to a IVIr. 
 Lowell, 38 — is unskilled in 
 Latin, 39 — his poetry ma- 
 ligned by some, ib. — his dis- 
 interestedness, ib. — his deep 
 share in commonweal, ib. — 
 his claim to the presidency, 
 40 — his mowing, ib. — re- 
 sents being called Whig, 41 — 
 opposed to tariff, ib. — obsti- 
 nate, ib. — infected ■with pecu- 
 liar notions, ib. — reports a 
 speech, 45 — emulates histo- 
 rians of antiquity, ib. — his 
 character sketched from a hos- 
 tile point of view, 59 — a re- 
 quest of his complied with, 73 
 
 — appointed at a public meet- 
 ing in Jaalam, 87 — confesses 
 ignorance, in one minute par- 
 ticular, of propriety, ib. — his 
 opinion of cocked hats, ib. — 
 letter to, 88 — called "Dear 
 Sir," by a general, ib. — prob 
 ably receives same compli- 
 ment from two hundred and 
 nine, 87 — picks his apples, 
 142 — his crop of Baldwins 
 conjccturally large, ib. 
 
 Billings, Dea. Cephas, 17. 
 Birch, virtue of, in instilling 
 
 certain of the dead languages, 
 
 114. 
 Bird of our country sings ho- 
 
 sanna, 20. 
 Blind, to go it. 111. 
 Blitz pulls ribbons from his 
 
 mouth, 19.
 
 INDEX. 
 
 151 
 
 Bluenose potatoes, smell of, ea- 
 gerly desired, 21. 
 
 Bobtail obtains a cardinal's hat, 
 31. 
 
 Bolles, Mr. Secondarr, author 
 of prize peace essay, 19 — 
 presents sword to Lieutenant- 
 Colonel, ib. — a fluent orator, 
 ih. — found to be in error, 
 21. 
 
 Bonaparte, N., a usurper, 94. 
 
 Boot-trees, productive, where, 
 114. 
 
 Boston, people of, supposed ed- 
 ucated, 22, vote. 
 
 Brahmins, navel-contemplating, 
 84. 
 
 Bread-trees, 113. 
 
 Brigadier-Generals in militia, 
 devotion of, 44. 
 
 Brown. Mr., engages in an un- 
 equal contest, 72. 
 
 Browne, Sir. T.. a pious and wise 
 sentiment of, cited and com- 
 mended, 14. 
 
 Buckingham, Hon. J. T., editor 
 of the Boston Courier, letters 
 to, 1, 13, 38, 65— not afraid, 
 1.5. 
 
 Bufl'alo, a plan hatched there, 
 130 — plaster, a prophecy in 
 regard to, 131. 
 
 Buncombe, in the other world 
 supposed, 46. 
 
 Bung, the eternal, thought to be 
 loose, 8. 
 
 Bungtown Fencibles, dinner of, 
 31. 
 
 Butter in Irish bogs, 113 
 
 C. 
 
 C, General, commended for 
 parts, 34 — for ubiquity, ih. — 
 for consistency, ih. — for fidel- 
 
 ity, ib. — is in favor of war, 
 3.5 — his curious valuation of 
 princi])Ie, ib. 
 
 Caesar, tribute to, 78 — his rem, 
 vic/i, vici, censured for undue 
 proll.xity, 96. 
 
 Cainites, sect of, supposed still 
 extant, 11. 
 
 Caleb, a monopoly of his denied, 
 18 — curious notions of, as to 
 meaning of "shelter," 24 — 
 his definition of Anglo-Saxon, 
 25 — charges Mexicans (not 
 witli bayonets, but) with im- 
 proprieties, ib. 
 
 Calhoun, Hon. J. C, his cow- 
 bell curfew, light of the nine- 
 teenth century to be extin- 
 guished at sound of, 63 — 
 cannot let go apron-string of 
 the Past, 64 — his unsuccess- 
 ful tilt at Spirit of the Age, 
 ib. — tlie Sir Kay of modem 
 chivalry, ib. — his anchor made 
 of a crooked pin, 65 — men- 
 tioned. 66-70. 
 
 Cambridge Platform, use discov- 
 ered for, 30. 
 
 Canary Islands, 114. 
 
 Candidate, presidental, letter 
 from, 88 — smells a rat, ih. — 
 against a bank, 90 — takes a 
 revolving position, ib. — opin- 
 ion of pledges, ib. — is a peri- 
 wig, lb. — fronts south by 
 north, 92 — qualifications of, 
 lessening, 96 — wooden leg 
 (and head) usefiil to. 109. 
 
 Cape Cod clerg\niicn, what, 30 
 — Sabbath-breakers, perhaps, 
 reproved by, ib. 
 
 Carjiini, Father John de Piano, 
 among the Tartars, 141. 
 
 Cartier, Jacques, commendable 
 zeal of, 140. 
 
 Cass, General, 67 — clearness of
 
 152 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 his merit, 68 — limited popu- 
 larity iit " Bellers's," 126. 
 Castles, Spanish, comfortaljle ac- 
 commodations in, 116. 
 Cato, letters of, so called, sus- 
 pended iiaso aduiico, 86. 
 C. D., friends of, can hear of 
 
 him, 86. 
 Chalk e<ii>;, we are proud of in- 
 cubation of, 8.5. 
 Chappelow on Job, a copy of, 
 lost, 74. 
 
 Cherubusco, news of, its effects 
 on English royalty, 57. 
 
 Chesterfield no letter-writer, 86. 
 
 Chief Magistrate, dancing es- 
 teemed sinful by, 30. 
 
 Children natm-ally speak He- 
 brew, 13. 
 
 China-tree, 114. 
 
 Chinese, whether they invented 
 gunpowder before tlie Chris- 
 tian era not considered, 30. 
 
 Choate hired, 129. 
 
 Christ shuffled into Apocry]Dha, 
 31 — conjectured to disapprove 
 of slaunliter and ])illaii-e, 3.5 
 — condemns a certain piece 
 of barbarism, 72. 
 
 Christianity, profession of, ple- 
 beian, whether, 13. 
 
 Christian soldiers, perhaps in- 
 consistent, wliether, 44. 
 
 Cicero, an oijinion of, disputed, 
 95. 
 
 Cilley, Ensiijn, author of nefari- 
 ous sentinu'nt, 31. 
 
 Citiie.v lerliilarins, 11. 
 
 Cincinnntus, a stock character 
 in modern comedy, 120. 
 
 Civilization, ]jro;;rcss of, an alias, 
 74 — rides upon a powder- 
 cart, 89. 
 
 Clergymen, their ill husbandry, 
 73 — tlieir j)lacc in proces- 
 sions, 118 — some, cruelly buu- 
 
 ished for the soundness of 
 their lungs, 141. 
 Cocked-hat, advantages of being 
 
 knocked into, 37. 
 College of Cardinals, a strange 
 
 one, 31. 
 Colman, Dr. Benjamin, anecdote 
 of, 44. 
 
 Colored folks, curious national 
 diversion of kicking, 24. 
 
 Colquitt, a remark of, 69 — ac- 
 quainted with some principles 
 of aerostation, il>. 
 
 Columbia, District of. its peculiar 
 climatic effects, 49 — not cer- 
 tain tliat Martin is for abol- 
 ishing it, 131. 
 
 Columbus, a Paul Pry of genius, 
 85. 
 
 Cohimby, 124. 
 
 Com))lete Letter- Writer, fatal 
 gift of, 93. 
 
 Compostella, St. James of, seen, 
 28. 
 
 Congress, singular consequence 
 of getting into, 49. 
 
 Congressional debates, found in- 
 structive, 61. 
 
 Constituents, useful for wlint, 50. 
 
 Constitution trampled on, 66 — 
 to stand upon, wliat. 89. 
 
 Convention, wluit, 49, 50. 
 
 Convention, Springfield, 49. 
 
 Coon, old, pleasure in skinning, 
 68. 
 
 Coppers, caste in picking up of, 
 106. 
 
 Copres, a monk, his excellent 
 method of arguing, 61. 
 
 Cornwallis, a, 16 — acknowl- 
 edged entertaining, //;., note. 
 
 Cotton Mather, summoned aa 
 witness, 28. 
 
 Country lawyers, sent providen- 
 tially, 36. 
 
 Country, oui*, its boundaries
 
 INDEX. 
 
 153 
 
 more exactly defined, 37 — 
 riyht or wrong, nonsense 
 about exposed, ib. 
 
 Courier, The Boston, an unsafe 
 print, 59. 
 
 Court, General, farmers some- 
 times attain seats in, 121. 
 
 Cow]ier, W., his letters com- 
 mended, 86. 
 
 Creed, a safe kind of, 110. 
 
 Crusade, first American, 29. 
 
 Cuneiform script recommended, 
 96. 
 
 Curiosity distinguishes man from 
 brutes, 84. 
 
 D. 
 
 Davis, Mr , of ^lississippi, a re- 
 mark of Iiis, 68. 
 
 Day and Martin, proverbially 
 "'on hand," 2. 
 
 Death, rings down curtain, 82. 
 
 Delphi, oracle of, surpassed, 58, 
 note — alluded to, 94. 
 
 Destiny, her account, 56. 
 
 Devil, the, unskilled in certain 
 Indian tonsrues, 28. 
 
 Dcy of Tripoli, 63. 
 
 Diaz, Bernal, has a vision, 28 
 — his relationship to the Scar- 
 let Woman, ib. 
 
 Didvmus, a somewhat volumi- 
 nous grammarian, 94. 
 
 Dighton rock character might 
 be usefully employed in some 
 emergencies, 96. 
 
 Dimitrv Bruisgins, fresh supply 
 of, 8.3. 
 
 Diogenes, his zeal for propagat- 
 ing certain variety of olive, 
 1 14. 
 
 Dioscuri, imps of the pit, 29. 
 
 District- Attorney, contemptible 
 conduct of one, 63. 
 
 Ditchwater on brain, a too com- 
 mon ailing, 62. 
 
 Doctor, the, a ])roverbial saying 
 of. 27. 
 
 Doughface, yeast-proof, 79. 
 
 Drayton, a martyr, 03 — north 
 star, culpable for aiding, 
 whether, 71. 
 
 E. 
 
 Earth, Dame, a peep at hei 
 housekeeping, 64. 
 
 Eating words, habit of, conven- 
 ient in time of famine, 55. 
 
 Eavesdroppers, 84 
 
 Editor, his position, 73 — com- 
 manding pulpit of, 74 — large 
 congregation of, ib. — name 
 derived from what, 75 — fond- 
 ness for mutton, ib. — a pious 
 one, his creed, ib. — a show- 
 man, 81 — in danger of sud- 
 den arrest, without bail, 82. 
 
 Editors, certain ones who crow 
 like cockerels, 8. 
 
 Egyptian darkness, phial of, use 
 for, 96. 
 
 Eldorado, Mr. Sawin sets sail 
 for, 113. 
 
 Elizabeth, Queen, mistake of 
 her ambassador, 46. 
 
 Empedocles, 85. 
 
 Emjjloyment, regular, a good 
 thing, 105. 
 
 Epaulets, perhaps no badge of 
 saintship, 35. 
 
 Episcopius, his marvellous ora- 
 tory, 141. 
 
 Eric, king of Sweden, his cap, 
 115. 
 
 Evangelists, iron ones, 30. 
 
 Eyelids, a divine shield against 
 authors, 61. 
 
 Ezekiel, text taken from, 73.
 
 154 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 Factory-girls, expected rebellion 
 of, 69. 
 
 Family-trees, fruit of jejune, 114. 
 
 Faneuil Hall, a place where per- 
 sons tap themselves for a spe- 
 cies of hydrocephalus, 62 — 
 a bill of fare mendaciously 
 advertised in, 113. 
 
 Father of country, his shoes, 
 122. 
 
 Female Papists, cut off in midst 
 of idolatry, 117. 
 
 Fire, we all like to play with it, 
 64. 
 
 Fish, emblematic, but disregard- 
 ed, where, 62. 
 
 Flam, President, untrustn^orthy, 
 51. 
 
 Fly-leayes, providential increase 
 of, 61. 
 
 Foote, Mr., his taste for field- 
 sports, 66. 
 
 Fourier, a squinting toward, 
 59. 
 
 Fourth of Julys, boiling, 47. 
 
 France, a strange dance begun 
 in, 70. 
 
 Fuller, Dr. Thomas, a wise say- 
 ing of, 33. 
 
 Funnel, Old, hurraing in, 18. 
 
 G. 
 
 Gawain, Sir, his amusements, 
 65. 
 
 Gay, S. H., Esquire, editor of 
 National Antislavery Stand- 
 ard, letter to, 84.- 
 
 Getting up early, 5, 25. 
 
 Ghosts, some, presumed fidgetty, 
 (but see Stilling's Pneumatol- 
 ogy,) 86. 
 
 Giants formerly stupid, 85. 
 
 Gift of tongues, distressing case 
 of, 61. 
 
 Globe Theatre, cheap season- 
 ticket to, 82. 
 
 Glory, a perquisite of officers, 
 107 — her account with B. 
 Sawin, Esq., 113. 
 
 Goatsnose, the celebrated, inter- 
 view with, 95. 
 
 Gray's letters are letters, 86. 
 
 Great horn spoon, sworn by, C6 
 
 Greeks, ancient, whctlier they 
 questioned candidates, 95. 
 
 Green Man, sign of, 40. 
 
 H. 
 
 Ham , sandwich, an orthodox (but 
 peculiar) one, 71. 
 
 Hamlets, macliine for making, 
 98. 
 
 Hammon, 58, note, 94. 
 
 Hannegan, Mr., something said 
 by, 48. 
 
 Harrison, General, how preserv- 
 ed, 93. 
 
 Hat-trees, in full bearing, 114. 
 
 Hawkins, Sir John, stout, some- 
 thing he saw, 114. 
 
 Henry the Fourth of England, 
 a Parliament of, how named, 
 46. 
 
 Hercules, his second labor prob- 
 ably what, 142. 
 
 Hej-odotus, story from, 14. 
 
 Hesperides, an inference from. 
 114. 
 
 Holden, Mr. Shearjashub, Pre- 
 ceptor of Jaalam Academy, 
 94 — his knowledge of Greek 
 limited, ih. — a heresy of his, 
 ih. — leaves a fund to propa- 
 gate it, 95. 
 
 Hollis, Ezra, goes to a Cornwal 
 Us, 16.
 
 INDEX, 
 
 155 
 
 Hollow, why men providential- 
 ly so constructed, 47. 
 
 Homer, a ])hrase of, cited, 74. 
 
 Homers, democratic ones, plums 
 left for, .52. 
 
 Howell, James, Esq., story told 
 by, 46 — letters of, commend- 
 ed, 86. 
 
 Human rij:rlits out of order on 
 the floor of Congress, G6. 
 
 Humbug, ascription of ])raisc to, 
 80 — generally believed in, ib. 
 
 Husbandry, instance of bad, 33. 
 
 Icarius, Penelope's father, 38. 
 
 Infants, prattlings of, curious ob- 
 servation concerning, 13. 
 
 Information wanted (uiuversal- 
 ly, but especially at page), 86. 
 
 Jaalam Centre, Anglo-Saxons 
 unjustly suspected by the 
 young ladies there, 26 — 
 " Independent Blunderbuss," 
 strange conduct of editor of, 
 73 — public meeting at, 87. 
 
 Jaalam Point, liglit-house on, 
 cliarge of prosjmctivcly otFcred 
 to All-. H. Biglow, 92 — meet- 
 ing-honse ornimented witli 
 imaginaiy clock, 116. 
 
 Jakes, Captain, 135 — reproved 
 for avarice, 136. 
 
 James the Fourth of Scots, ex- 
 periment by, 14. 
 
 Jarnagin, Mr., his opinion of 
 the completeness of Noi'them 
 education, 68. 
 
 Jerome, Saint, his list of sacred 
 
 ' writers, 86. 
 
 Job, Book of, 11 — Chappelow 
 on, 74. 
 
 Johnson, Mr., communicates 
 some intelligence, 70. 
 
 Jonali, the inevitable destiny of, 
 71 — probably studied inter- 
 nal economy of the cetacea, 
 85. 
 
 Jortin, Dr., cited, 44, 58, note. 
 
 Judea, every thing not kno^v^l 
 there, 36. 
 
 Juvenal, a saying of, 56, note. 
 
 K. 
 
 Kay, Sir, the, of modem chival- 
 ry, who, 64. 
 
 Key, brazen one, 63. 
 
 Keziah, Aunt, profound obser- 
 vation of, 3. ■ 
 
 Ivindcrhook, 120. 
 
 Kingdom Come, march to, easy, 
 100. 
 
 Konigsmark, Count, 12. 
 
 Lamb, Charles, his epistolary 
 excellence, 86. 
 
 Latimer, Bishop, episcopizcs 
 Satan, 11. 
 
 Latin tongue, curious informa- 
 tion concemuig, 39. 
 
 Launcelot, Sir, a trusser of gi- 
 ants formerly, perhaps would 
 find less sport therein no^v, 
 65. 
 
 Letters classed, 86 — their shape, 
 87 — of candidates, 92 — of- 
 ten fetal, 93. 
 
 Lewis Philip, a scourger of 
 young native Americans, 57 
 — commiserated (though not 
 deserving it), 58, note.
 
 156 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 Liberator, a newspaper, con- 
 demned by implication, 41. 
 
 Liberty unwbolesome for men 
 of certain complexions, 75. 
 
 Lignum vita3, a gift of this val- 
 uable wood pro])OScd, 27. 
 
 Longinus recommends swear- 
 ing, 15, note (Fuscli did same 
 thing). 
 
 Long sweetening recommended, 
 101. 
 
 Lost arts, one solTO^\'fully added 
 to list of, 141. 
 
 Louis the Eleventh of France, 
 some odd trees of his, 114. 
 
 Lowell, Mr. J. R., unaccountable 
 silence of, 38. 
 
 Luther, Mai-tin, his first appear- 
 ance as Europa, 28. 
 
 Lyttclton, Lord, his letters an 
 imposition, 86. 
 
 M. 
 
 Macrobii, their diplomacy, 9,5. 
 
 Mahomet, got nearer Sinai than 
 some, 74. 
 
 Mahound, his filthy gobbets, 28. 
 
 Mangum, Mr., speaks to the 
 point, 67. 
 
 Manicliffian, excellently confut- 
 ed, 01. 
 
 Man-'.recs, grew where, 114. 
 
 Mares'-nests, finders of, benevo- 
 lent, 8.5. 
 
 Marshfield, 120, 129. 
 
 Martin, Mr. Sawin used to vote 
 for him, 131. 
 
 Mason and Dixon's line, slaves 
 north of, 67. 
 
 Jlass, the, its duty defined, 67. 
 
 Massachusetts on her knees, 9 — 
 something mentioned in con- 
 nection with, worthy the at- 
 tention of tailoi-s, 49 — citi- 
 
 zen of, baked, boiled, and 
 roasted {nefuudum!), Iii8. 
 
 Masses, the, used as butter by 
 some, 52. 
 
 M. C, an invertebrate animal, 
 55. 
 
 Meclianics' Fair, reflections sug- 
 gested at, 98. 
 
 Mentor, letters of, dreary, 86. 
 
 Me]jhistopheles at a nonplus, 
 71. 
 
 Mexican blood, its effect in rais- 
 ing ])ricc of cloth, 1 1 7. 
 
 Mexican polka, 30. 
 
 Mexicans charged with various 
 bi-eaclics of eticpictte, 25 — 
 kind feelings beaten into them, 
 80. 
 
 Mexico, no glory in overcoming, 
 50. 
 
 Military glory spoken disre- 
 spectfully of, 21, riote — mili- 
 tia treated still worse, //;. 
 
 Milk-trees, growing still, 113. 
 
 Mills for manufacturing gabble, 
 how driven, 60. 
 
 Milton, an unconscious plagiary, 
 48, note — & Latin verse of, 
 cited, 75. 
 
 Missions, a profitable kind of, 76. 
 
 iMunarch. a pagan, probal)ly not 
 favored in philosophical ex- 
 ])eriinents, 14. 
 
 Money-trees desirable, 113 — 
 tliat they once existed shown 
 to be variously probable, 114. 
 
 Montaigne, a conimunicati\e old 
 Gascon, 85. 
 
 Monterey, battle of, its singular 
 cln-omatie etfect on a species 
 of two-headed eagle, 57. 
 
 Moses held up vainly as an ex- 
 am])le, 74 — constnied by Joe 
 Smitli, 75. 
 
 Mvtlis, how to interpret readily, 
 95.
 
 INDEX. 
 
 157 
 
 N. 
 
 O. 
 
 Kaboths, Popish ones, how <iis- 
 tino-iiislicd, 30. 
 
 Nation, rij:;hts of, proportionate 
 to si/.e, 25. 
 
 Natioinil pudding, its effect on 
 the organs of speech, a cm-ious 
 physiological fact, 31. 
 
 Kcphclini, not yet extinct, 142. 
 
 Kew Eni;land overpoweringly 
 honored, 54 — wants no more 
 speakers, ih. — done brown 
 by whom, ib. — her experi- 
 ence in beans beyond Cicero's, 
 95. 
 
 Newspaper, the, wonderful, 80 
 — a strolling theatre, 81 — 
 thoughts suggested by tearing 
 wi-a)iper of, 82 — a vacant 
 sheet, ib. — a sheet in which 
 a vision was let dowi, 83 — 
 wrapper to a bar of soap, ih. 
 —r a cheap impromjDtu plat- 
 ter, ib. 
 
 New York, Letters from, com- 
 mended, 86. 
 
 Next life, what, IS'. 
 
 Niggers, 7 — area of abusing, 
 extended, 50 — Mr. Sawin's 
 opinions of, 133. 
 
 Ninepence a day low for mui-- 
 der, 17. 
 
 No, a monosyllable, 31 — hard 
 to utter, ib. 
 
 Noah, inclosed letter in bottle, 
 probably, 85. 
 
 Nomas. Lapland, what, 115. 
 
 North, has no business, 66 — 
 bristling, crowded off roost, 
 92. 
 
 North Bend, geese inhumanly 
 treated at, 93 — mentioned, 
 120. 
 
 North star, a proposition to in- 
 dict, 71. 
 
 Off ox, 90. 
 
 Officers, miraculous transfonna- 
 tion in character of, 27 — An- 
 glo-Saxon, come very near 
 being anathematized, 28. 
 
 O'Phace, Increase D., Esq., 
 speech of. 45. 
 
 Oracle of Fools, still respectful- 
 ly consulted, 46. 
 
 Orion, becomes commonplace, 83. 
 
 Orrery, Lord, his letters (lord ! ), 
 86. 
 
 Ostracism, ciu'ious species of, 46. 
 
 Palestine, 28. 
 
 Palfrey, Hon. J. G., 46, 54, 56 
 
 (a worthy representative of 
 
 Massachusetts). 
 Pantagmel recommends a pop- 
 ular oracle, 46. 
 Panurge, his inteiwiew witli 
 
 Goatsnose, 95. 
 Papists, female, slain by zealous 
 
 Protestant bomb-shell, 117. 
 Parali])omcnon, a man suspected 
 
 of being, 93. 
 Paris, liberal principles safe as 
 
 far away as, 75. 
 Parliamentnm InJoctorum sitting 
 
 in permanence, 46. 
 Past, the, a good nurse, 64. 
 Patience, sister, quoted, 20. 
 PajTiims, their throats propa- 
 
 gandistically cut, 28. 
 Penelope, her wise choice, 38. 
 People, soft enough, 77 — want 
 
 correct ideas, 110. 
 Pepin, King, 87. 
 Periwig, 91. 
 Persius, a pithy saying of, 52 
 
 note.
 
 158 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 Pescara, Marquis, saying ©f, 
 11. 
 
 Peter. Saint, a letter of {post- 
 mortem), 87. 
 
 Pharisees, op^jrobriously referred 
 to, 75. 
 
 Philippe, Louis, in pea-jacket, 
 81. 
 
 Phleg-yas quoted, 72. 
 
 Phrygian language, whether Ad- 
 am spoke it, 14. 
 
 Pilgrims, the, .50. 
 
 Pillows, constitutional, 56. 
 
 Pinto, Mr., some letters of his 
 coramonded, 86. 
 
 Pisgah, an impromptu one, 115. 
 
 Platform, party, a convenient 
 one. 111. 
 
 Plato, supped with, 85 — his man, 
 93. 
 
 Pleiades, the, not enough es- 
 teemed, 83. 
 
 Pliny, his letters not admired, 
 86. 
 
 Plotinus, a story of, 64. 
 
 Plymouth Roek, Old, a Conven- 
 tion wrecked on, 50. 
 
 Point Tribulation, Mr. Sawin 
 wrecked on, 113. 
 
 Poles, exile, whether crop of 
 beans depends on, 24, note. 
 
 Polk, President, synonymous 
 wltli our country, 35 — cen- 
 sured, 50 — in danger of being 
 crushed, 52. 
 
 Polka, Mexican, 30. 
 
 Pomp, a runaway slave, his nest, 
 133 — hypocritically groans 
 like white man, 1.34 — blind 
 to Christian privileges, 135 — 
 his society valued at fiffy dol- 
 lars, ib. — his treachery, 136 
 — takes Mr. Sawin prison- 
 er, 138 — cruelly makes liim 
 work, ib. — puts himself ille- 
 gally under liis tuition, 139 — 
 
 dismisses him with contume 
 lious epithets, ib. 
 
 Pontifical bull, a tamed one, 28. 
 
 Pope, his verse excellent, 13. 
 
 Pork, refractory in boiling, 27. 
 
 Portugal, Alphonso the Sixth 
 of, a monster, 141. 
 
 Post, Boston, 38 — shaken visi- 
 bly, 40 — bad guide-post, ib. 
 
 — too swift, ib. — edited by a 
 colonel, ib. — who is presumed 
 olhcially in Me.xico, ib. — re- 
 ferred to, 59. 
 
 Pot-hooks, death in, 96. 
 Prcaclicr, an ornamental symbol, 
 74 — a breeder of dogmas, ib. 
 
 — earnestness of, important, 
 141. 
 
 Present, considered as an annal- 
 ist, 74 — not long wonderful, 
 83. 
 
 President, slaveholding natural 
 to, 79 — must be a Southern 
 resident. 111 — must own a 
 nigger, ib. 
 
 Principle, exposure spoils it, 48. 
 
 Principles, bad, when less harm- 
 ful, 32. 
 
 Prophecy, a notable one, 58. 
 
 Proviso, bitterly spoken of, 90. 
 
 Prudence, sister, her idiosyncrat- 
 ic teapot, 104. 
 
 Psammeticus, an experiment of, 
 14. 
 
 Public opinion a blind and 
 drunken guide, 31 — nudges 
 Mr. Wilbur's elbow, ib. — 
 ticklers of, 51. 
 
 Pythagoras a bean-hater, why, 
 ■95. 
 
 Pythagoreans, fish reverenced 
 by," why, 62. 
 
 Q. 
 
 Quixote, Don, 65.
 
 INDEX. 
 
 159 
 
 R. 
 
 Rng, one of sacred college, 31. 
 
 Ra'ntoul, Mr., talks loudly, 19 
 — pious reason for not enlist- 
 ing;-, ib. 
 
 Recruitinjx sergeant, Devil sup- 
 posed the first, 11. 
 
 Representatives' Chamber, 62. 
 
 Rliinothism, society for promot- 
 ing-, 8.5. 
 
 Rhyme, whether natural not con- 
 sidered, 1.3. 
 
 Rib, an infrangible one, 101. 
 
 Richard the First of England, 
 his Christian fervor, 28. 
 
 Ri<-hes conjectured to have legs 
 as well as wings, 71. 
 
 Robinson, JNIr. John P., his opin- 
 ions fully stated, 34 - 36. 
 
 Rocks, pocket full of, 103. 
 
 Rough and Heady, 126 — a wig, 
 128 — a kind of scratch, ib. 
 
 Russian eagle turns Prussian 
 blue, 57. 
 
 S. 
 
 Sabbath, breach of, 29. 
 
 Sabclhanijm, one accused of, 93. 
 
 Saltillo, unfavoralile view of, 21. 
 
 Salt-river, in Mexican, what, 21. 
 
 Samuel, Uncle, riotous. 56 — yet 
 has qualities demanding rev- 
 erence, 7.5 — a good provider 
 for his familv, 77 — an exor- 
 bitant bill of'll7. 
 
 Sansculottes, draw their wine 
 before drinking, 69. 
 
 Santa Anna, his expensive leg, 
 109. 
 
 Satan, never wants attorneys, 
 28 — an expert talker by signs. 
 ib. — a successful fisherman 
 with little or no bait, 29 — 
 
 ■cunning fetch of, 32 — dislikes 
 ridicule, 39 — ought not to 
 have credit of ancient oracles, 
 58, note. 
 
 Satirist, incident to certain dan- 
 gers, 32. 
 
 Savages, Canadian, chance of 
 redemption ottered to, 141. 
 
 Sawin, B., Esquire, his letter not 
 written in verse, 13 — a native 
 of Jaalam, 14 — not regular 
 attendant on Rev. Mr. Wil- 
 bur's preaching, ib. — a fool, 
 ib. — his statements trustwor- 
 thy, 15 — his ornithological 
 tastes, ib. — letter fi-om, 16, 
 97, 120 — his curious discov- 
 ery in regard to bayonets, 17, 
 18 — displays proper family 
 pride, 18 — modestly confess- 
 es himself less wise than the 
 Queen of Shelia, 24 — the old 
 Adam in, peeps out, 27 — a 
 miles emeritus, 97 — is made 
 text for a sermon, ib. — loses 
 a leg, 99 — an eye, 100 — left 
 hand, 101 — four fingers of 
 right hand, ib. — has six or 
 more ribs l^roken, ib. — a rib 
 of his infrangible, Ib. — allows 
 a certain amount of preterite 
 greenness in himself, 102, 103 
 — his share of spoil limited, 
 103 — his oinnion of Mexican 
 climate, 104 — acquires prop- 
 erty of a certain soi-t, 105 — 
 his experience of glory, 106, 
 107 — stands sentry, and puns 
 thereupon, 107 — undergoes 
 martyrdom in some of its 
 most painful forms, 108 — 
 enters the candidating busi- 
 ness, ib. — modestly states the 
 {avail)abilities which qualify 
 him for high political station, 
 109-112 — has no principles
 
 160 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 109 — a peaceman, ib. — un- 
 pledged, 110 — has no objec- 
 tions to owninir peculiar ]jiop- 
 erty, but would not like to 
 monopolize the truth, 112 — 
 his account with plorv, 113 — 
 a selfish motive liinted in, ib. 
 
 — sails for Eldorado, ib. — 
 shipwrecked on a metajjliori- 
 cal promontory, ib. — parallel 
 between, and Kev. Mr. Wil- 
 bur (not Plutarchian), 115 — 
 conjectured to have bathed in 
 river Selemnus, 120 — loves 
 plough wi.sely. hut not too 
 well, ib. — a foreign mission 
 proliably expected by, 121 — 
 unanimously nominated for 
 presidency. 1 22 — his country's 
 fathcr-in-iaw, 123 — nobly em- 
 ulates Cincinnatus, 124 — is 
 not a crooked stick, ib. — ad- 
 vises his adherents, 125 — 
 views of, on present state of 
 politics, 125 - 133 — popular 
 enthusiasm for, at Bellers's, 
 and its disagreeable conse- 
 quences, 126 — inhuman treat- 
 ment of, by Bellers, 127 — his 
 ojjinion of the two parties, 
 128— agrees with Mr. Web- 
 ster, 129 — his antislavery zeal, 
 131 — his projier self-respect, 
 ib. — his nnaff'ectcd piety, 132 
 
 — his not intem]3erate temper- 
 ance, ib. — a thrilling adven- 
 ture of, 133-140— his pru- 
 dence and economy, 134 — 
 bound to Captain Jakes, hut 
 regains his freedom, 135 — is 
 taken pri-^oner, 137,138 — ig- 
 nominiou^ly treated, 138, 139 
 
 — his consequent resolution, 
 140. 
 
 Sayres, a mnrt\T. 03. 
 Scaliger. saying of, 33. 
 
 Srarabcctts pihilnrins, 22. 
 
 Scott, General, his claims to 
 the presidency, 40, 43. 
 
 Scythians, their diplomacy com- 
 mended, 95. 
 
 Seamen, colored, sold, 10. 
 
 Selemnus, a sort of Lethean 
 river, 120. 
 
 Senate, debate in, made read- 
 able, 63. 
 
 Seneca, saying of. 32 — another, 
 58 — overrated by a samt (iiut 
 see Lord Eolingbroke's o])in- 
 lon of, in a letter to Dean 
 Swift), 86 — his letters not 
 commended, ib. — a son of 
 Rev. Mr. Wilbur, 116. 
 
 Scrbonian bog of literature, 62. 
 
 Sextons, demand for. 20 — hero- 
 ic official devotion of one, 140. 
 
 Sliaking fever, considered as an 
 employer, 105. 
 
 Shakspeare, a good reporter, 
 45. 
 
 Sham, President, honest, 51. 
 
 Sheba, Queen of, 24. 
 
 Shcej), none of Rev. Mr. Wil- 
 bur's turned wolveg, 14. 
 
 Shem, Scriptural curse of, 140. 
 
 Show, natural to love it, 21, 
 iwte. 
 
 Silver spoon bom in Democra- 
 cy's mouth, what, 53. 
 
 Sinai, sutt'ers outniges, 74. 
 
 Sin. wilderness of, modern, what, 
 74. 
 
 Skin, hole in, strange taste of 
 some for, 107. 
 
 Slaughter, whether God strength- 
 en us for, 29. 
 
 Slaughterers and soldiers com- 
 pared, 118. 
 
 Slaughtering nowadays is 
 slauglitcring, 118. 
 
 Slavery, of no color, 7 — corner- 
 stone of liberty, 59 — also key-
 
 INDEX. 
 
 161 
 
 stone, 66 — last cnimh of 
 Eden, 70 — a Jonah, 71 — 
 an institution, 91 — a private 
 State concern, 134. 
 
 Smith, Joe, used as a transhition, 
 75. 
 
 Smith, Jolm, an interesting char- 
 acter, 84. 
 
 Smith, Mr., fears entertained 
 for, 72 — dined with, 85. 
 
 Smith, N. B., his magnanimity, 
 81. 
 
 Soandso, Mr., the great, defines 
 his position, 81. 
 
 Sol, the fisherman, 2.3 — sound- 
 ness of respiratory organs 
 hypothetically attributed to, 
 ib. 
 
 Solon, a sajTng of, 31. 
 
 South Carolina, futile attempt to 
 anchor, 85. 
 
 Spanish, to walk, what, 24. 
 
 Speech-making, an abuse of gift 
 of sjieocli, 60. 
 
 Star, north, subject to indict- 
 ment, whether, 71. 
 
 Store, cheap cash, a wicked 
 fraud, 115. - 
 
 Strong, Governor Caleb, a pa- 
 triot, 37. 
 
 Swearing, commended as a fig- 
 ure of speech, 1 5, note. 
 
 Swift, Dean, threadbare sajing 
 of, 39. 
 
 Tag, elevated to the Cardinal- 
 ate, 31. 
 
 Taxes, direct, advantages of, 116, 
 117. 
 
 Taylor zeal, its origin, 126 — 
 General, trrcascd by Mr. 
 Clioate, 129. 130. 
 
 Thanks, get lodged, 106. 
 11 
 
 Thirty-nine articles inight be 
 made serviceable, 30. 
 
 Thor, a foolish attempt of, 64. 
 
 Thuml), General Thomas, a val- 
 uable member of society, 55. 
 
 'Jliunder, supposed in easy cir- 
 cumstances, 102. 
 
 Tliynne, Mr., murdered. 12. 
 
 Time, an innocent i)ersonage to 
 swear by, 15 — a scene-shifter, 
 82. 
 
 Toms, Peeping. 84. 
 
 Trees, various kinds of extraor- 
 dinary ones, 113, 114. 
 
 Trowbridge, William, mariner, 
 adventure of, 29. 
 
 Truth and falsehood start frotn 
 same point, 33 — truth invul- 
 nerable to satire, ih. — compar- 
 ed to a river, 45 — of fiction 
 sometimes truer tlian fact, ib. 
 — told plainly, pastiim. 
 
 Tnilevies, exciting scene at, 58. 
 
 TuUy. a saying of, 48, note. 
 
 Twcedledee, gospel according 
 to, 75. 
 
 Tweedledum, great principles o(, 
 75. 
 
 U. 
 
 Ulysses, husband of Penelope, 
 
 38 — borrows money, 115. 
 
 (Tor full particulars of, see 
 
 Homer and Dante.) 
 University, triennial catalogue 
 
 of, 42. 
 
 V. 
 
 Van Buren fails of gaining Mr. 
 Sawin's confidence, 131 — his 
 son John reproved, 132. 
 
 Van, Old, plan to set up, 130
 
 162 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 Venetians, invented something 
 once, 115. 
 
 Vices, cardinal, sacred conclave 
 of, 31. 
 
 Victoria. Queen, her natural ter- 
 ror, 57. 
 
 Vratz, Captain, a Pomeranian, 
 singular views of, 12, 
 
 W. 
 
 Walpole, Horace, classed, 85 — 
 his letters praised, 86. 
 
 Walthara Plain, Cornwallis at, 
 16. 
 
 Walton, punctilious in his inter- 
 course with fishes, 30. 
 
 War, ahstract, horrid, 89 — its 
 hoppers, grist of, what, 106. 
 
 Warton, Thomas, a story of, 
 43. 
 
 Washington, charge brought 
 against, 123. 
 
 Washington, city of, climatic in- 
 fluence of, on coats, 49 — 
 mentioned, 63 — grand jury 
 of, 71. 
 
 Washingtons, two hatched at a 
 time by improved machine, 
 123. 
 
 Water, Taunton, proverbially 
 weak, 133. 
 
 Water-trees, 114. 
 
 Webster, some sentiments of, 
 commended by Mr. Sawin, 
 129. 
 
 Westcott, Mr., his hon-or, 70. 
 
 Whig party, has a large throat, 
 41 — but query as to swallow- 
 ing spurs, 130. 
 
 White-house, 92. 
 
 Wife-trees, 114. 
 
 Wilbur, Rev. Homer, A. M., 
 consulted, 2 — his instructions 
 to his flock, 14 — a proposition 
 
 of his for Protestant bomb- 
 shells, 30 — his elbow nudged, 
 31 — his notions of satire, 32 
 
 — some opinions of his quot- 
 ed with apparent a])proval by 
 Mr. Biglow, 36 — geographi- 
 cal speculations of, 37 — a 
 justice of the peace, ib. — a 
 "letter of, 38 — a liaiin pun of, 
 39 — runs against a post with- 
 out injury, 40 — does not seek 
 notoriety (whatever some ma- 
 lignants may affirm), 41 — fits 
 youths for college, 42 — a chap- 
 lain during late war with Eng- 
 land, 44 — a shrewd observa- 
 tion of, 46 — some curious 
 speculations of, 60-62 — his 
 martello-tower, 60 — forgets 
 he is not in pulpit, 71, 97-99 
 
 — extracts from sermon of, 73, 
 80 — interested in John Smith, 
 84 — his views concerning 
 present state of letters, 84-87 
 
 — a stratagem of, 93 — ven- 
 tures two hundred and fourth 
 mtcrpretation of Beast in 
 Ajiocalypse, 94 — christens 
 Hon. B. Sawin, then an in- 
 fimt, 97 — an addition to our 
 sylva proposed by, 113 — curi- 
 ous and instructive adventure 
 of, 115-116 — his accovmt 
 with an unnatural uncle, 117 
 
 — his uncomfortable imagina- 
 tion, 118 — speculations con- 
 cerning Cincinnatus, 120, 121 
 
 — confesses digressive tei- 
 dency of mind, 140 — goes to 
 work on sermon (not without 
 fear that his readers will dub 
 him with a reproachful epithet 
 like that wilh which Isaac 
 Allcrton, a Mayflower man. 
 revenges himself on a del in 
 quent debtor of his, calling
 
 INDEX. 
 
 163 
 
 him in his will, ami thus 
 holding him up to posteri- 
 ty, as "John Peterson, The 
 Bore"), 142. 
 
 Willnir, ^Irs., an invariable rule 
 of, 42 — her profile, 43. 
 
 Wildbore, a vernacular one, how 
 to escape, 62. 
 
 Wind, the, a good Samaritan, 
 98. 
 
 Wooden leg, remarkable for so- 
 
 briety, 100 — never cats pud- 
 ding," 102. 
 
 Wriglit, Colonel, providentially 
 rescued, 22. 
 
 Wrong, abstract, safe to op- 
 pose, 52. 
 
 Zack, Old, 125. 
 
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