UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT LOS ANGELES ccr c THE GENUINE REMAINS I N VERSE and PROSE O F Mr. S A M U E L BUTLER, AUTHOR of HUDIBRAS. Published from the ORIGINAL MANUSCRIPTS, formerly in the PofTefijon of W. LONGUEVILLE, Efq; With NOTES By R. T H Y E R, Keeper of the Public Library at MANCHESTER. IN TWO VOLUMES. VOL. II. LONDON: PrintcJ for T. anJ P. TONSON T , in the Strand. MDCCIJX. CONTENTS OFTHE wS SECOND VOLUME. ] * Page Character of a modern Politician i ./^z hypocritical Nonconformifl 3 5 ,/f Republican 52 ,/4 Politician 60 ^ State-Convert 62 ^ U//&?r 65 A modern Statefman 69 ^? Z)^ o/* Bucks 72 ^4 degenerate Noble 77 ^ huffing Courtier 80 -4 Court-beggar 86 ^ Bumpkin y or Country- Squire 90 yf;z Antiquary 94 A proud Man 98 7/k hen-petf Man i^ 1 04 A Small Poet 107 APhilofopher 128 AFantaftic 131 v4 melancholy Man 134 yf;z Haranguer 137 APopiJhPriefl 141 ^ Traveller 144 y4 Catholic J47 A 2 22* 218 CONTENTS. T'be Character of a curious Man -''' Page 1 50 A Ranter 153 A corrupt Judge 155 An Amorift ^ 158 An Aflrologer 1 6 1 A Lawyer 164 An Herald 173 A Latitudinarian 1 77 A Mathematician 179 An Epigrammatift 183 AVirtuofo^ 185 A Jujiice of Peace 1 90 A Fanatic 1 94 ^fe Intelligencer 197 ^ Prof elite 200 y^ Clown v/ 203 ^ Quibbler 206 ^ Wooer\/ 209 -^z impudent Man 212 ^fw Imitator 216 ^? Time-fewer 219 -^ Prater 222 -- 261 263 266 CONTENTS. - 301 A Mountebank 304 A modern Critic &* 307 AWittal 310 A bujy Man 313 y4 litigious Man 315 A Pedant \>. 318 A Hunter 321 y^ Humor i ft 324 y^ Leader of a Fa&ion 3 26 y4 debauched Man 329 Afeditious Man 331 yfw offered Man 334 y4 Medicine-taker 336 338 341 345 CONTENTS. The Character of a Shop-keeper Page 348 A Quaker w 351 A Swearer 354 A luxurious Man 357 An ungrateful Man 360 A Knight of the P oft 363 An undeferving Favourite 366 A Cuckold 372 ^ malicious Man 375 y^ Squire of Dames 379 A Knave 382 yfo Anabaptlfl 385 yf Vintner 390 yfrz Hypocrite ^ 393 yf;z Opini after 396 ^ choleric Man 399 ^ Lover v 402 ^ T^ranjlator 405 -41^^/ 408 A City-wit 411 A fuperftitious Man 414 y^ Dro/e 416 An Empiric 419 ^4)2 objlinate Man 422 ^ Zft7/tf 425 ur^/z Over doer 427 A jealous Man ^ 430 ^f infolent Man 432 A raft Man 434 CONTENTS. The Character of a Pimp . Page 437 An offered or formal Man 441 A Platter er 443 A Prodigal 446 A Pettijogger 449 A Bankrupt 452 *Thc Incmftant 45^ A Horfe- courfer 458 A Glutton 46 1 A Ribald 463 ifbougbts upon various Subjects 466 to 512 CHARACTE RS, VQL, II. B [ 3 1 PREFACE. writing of Characters was a Kind of Wit much in Faftion in the Beginning of the /a/I Century. The two principal Authors in this Way were Sir Thomas Overbury, and Dr. John Earle Tutor to Prince Charles in 1643, and after the Restoration Dean of Weftminfter, and fuc- cejjively Bijhop o^Worcefter and Salifbury. How agreeable thefe Sort of EJJays were to the public Tafte may be judged from Sir Thomas^ little Book having fourteen Editions before 1632, and the Bijhop's Jix between 1628 and 1633. Whether Butler has equalled or excelled them y and what Place he is to hold in this Clafs of Writers mufl be left to the Decifwn of the Public, as the Inte- refl and Prejudice of a Publifier may render me afufpected or an incompetent fudge. The Reader will have an Opportunity of determining for him- as they have all attempted to draw the fame B 2 iv PREFACE. As in fuch a Variety of Characters there muft le feme drawn from Originals in general the fame -, and only differenced by particular Clrcumjlances^ the fame Obfervations are fometimes repeated. Whether the Author in this Cafe requires any Apo- logy muft be left to his 'Judges the Critics 5 it is enough for me that I can fay I have done him Jujlice in publlfolng them. As mo ft of tbcfe Characters are dated when they were compofed, I can Inform the curious ', that they were chiefly drawn up from 1667 to 1669, at which time, as has been before obfirved^ Butler refided in Wales under the Frotefiion of Lord Carbery. [ S ] A MODERN POLITICIAN MAKES new Difcoveries in Politics^ but they are, like thofe that Columbus made of the new World, very rich but barba- rous. He endeavours to reftore Mankind to the original Condition* it fell from, by forget, ing to difcern between Good and Evil 5 and reduces all Prudence back again to its mil Author, the Serpent, that taught Adam Wif- donij for he was really his Tutor, and not Sambofcor) as the Rabbins write. He finds the World has been miflaken in all Ages, and that Religion and Morality are but vulgar Errors, that pafs among the Ignorant, and are but mere Words to the Wife. He defp'rfes all learning as a Pedantic little Thing > and be-* lieves Books to be the Bufinefsof Children^ and not of Men. He wonders how the DiftincYiori of Virtue and Vice came into the World's B-5 6 A MODERN POLITICIAN. Head ; and believes them to be more ridiculous than any Foppery of the Schools. He holds it his Duty to betray any Man, that fhall take him for fo much a Fool as one fit to be trufted. He ftedfaftly believes, that all Men are born in the State of War, and that the civil Life is but a CefTation, and no Peace, nor Accommo- dation : And though all open Acls of Hoftility are forborn by Confent, the Enmity continues, and all Advantages by Treachery or Breach of Faith are very lawful That there is no Diffe- rence between Virtue and Fraud among Friends, as well as Enemies j nor any thing unjuft, that a Man can do without Damage to his own Safety or Intereft That Oaths are but Sprin- ges to catch Woodcocks withal ; and bind none but thofe, that are too weak and feeble to break them, when they become ever fo fmall an Im- pediment to their Advantages That Con- fcience is the effeft of Ignorance, and the fame with that foolifii Fear, which fome Men ap- prehend, when they are in the dark and alone That Honour is but the Word, which a Prince gives a Man to pafs his Guards withal, and 'That all Men art lorn in a Stale of War] A fneer upon Hobbi and his Followers. Virtue and Fraud, &c.] This is a humourous Allufion to a Line A MODERN POLITICIAN. 7 fave him from being flopped by Law and Juf- tice the Sentinels of Governments, v/hen he has not Wit nor Credit enough to pafs of him- felf That to fhew Refpec~l to Worth in any Perfon is to appear a Stranger to it, and not fb familiarly acquainted with it as thofe are, who ufe no Ceremony -, becaufe it is no new Thing to them, as it would appear if they fhould take Notice of it That the eafieft Way to pur- chafe a Reputation of Wifdom and Knowledge is to flight and undervalue it ; as the readiefl Way to buy cheap is to bring down the Price ' for the World will be apt to believe a Man well provided with any neceflary or ufeful Commo- dity, which he fets a fmall Value upon Tha to oblige a Friend is but a kind of calling him in Prifon, after the old Roman Way, or mo- dern Cbinefe, that chains the Keeper and Prifoner together : for he that binds another Man to himfelf, binds himfelf as much to him, and lays a reflraint upon both. For as Men commonly never forgive thofe that forgive them, and always hate thofe that purchafe their Eflates (tho' they pay dear and more than any Man elfe would give) fo they never will- In Virgil. Dolas, an Virtus, quis in Hofie requirat ? ^n. 1. 2. V. 39% B 4 8 A MODERN POLITICIAN. ingly endure thofe, that have laid any Engage- ment upon them, or at what rate foever pur- chafed the leaft Part of their Freedom. And as Partners for the moft Part cheat or fufpect one another ; fo no Man deals fairly with ano- ther, that goes the leaft Share in his Free- dom. To propofe any Meafure to Wealth or Power is to be ignorant of the Nature of both : for as no Man can ever have too much of either ; fo it is impoflible to determine what is enough j and he, that limits his Defires by propo- ling to himfelf the Enjoyment of any other Pleafure, but that of gaining more, fhews he has but a dull Inclination, that will not hold out to his Journey's End. And therefore he believes that a Courtier deferves to be beg'd himfelf, that is ever fatisfied with begging : for Fruition without Defire is but a dull Entertain- ment , and that Pleafure only real and fub- flantial, that provokes and improves the Ap- petite, and increafes in the Enjoyment. And all 'the greateft Matters in the feveral Arts of thriving concur unanimoufly, that the plain downright Pleafure of Gaining is greater and deferves to be prefered far before all the various AMODERNPOLITICIAN. 9 Delights of Spending, which the Curiofity, Wit, or Luxury of Mankind in all Ages could ever find out. He believes, there is no Way of thriving fo eafy and certain as to grow rich by defraud- ing the Public : for public Thieveries are more fafe and lefs profecuted than private, like Rob- beries committed between Sun and Sun, which the County pays, and no one is greatly con- cerned in. And as the Monfter of many Heads has lefs Wit in them all than any one reafona- ble Perfon : fo the Monfter of many Purfes is eafier cheated than any one indifferent crafty Fool. For all the Difficulty lies in being trufted ; and when he has obtained that, the Bufmefs does itfelf -, and if he fhould happen to be queftioned and called to an Accompt, a Baudy Pardon is as cheap as a Paymafter's Fee, not above fourteen Pence in the Pound. He thinks, that when a Man comes to Wealth or Preferment, and is to put on a new Perfon, his firft Bufmefs is to put off all his old Friendfhips and Acquaintances as Things be- low him, and no Way confident with his pre- fent Condition j efpecially fuch as may have io A MODERN POLITICIAN. Occafion to make ufe of him, or have Reafon to expect any civil Returns from him : for requiting of Obligations received in a Man's Neceflity is the fame Thing with paying of Debts contracted in his Minority, when he was tinder Age, for which he is not accountable by the Laws of the Land. Thefe he is to forget as faft as he can, and by little Neglects remove them to that Diftance, that they may at length by his Example learn to forget him : for Men, who travel together in Company, when their Occafions lye feveral Ways, ought to take leave and part. It is a hard Matter for a Man that comes to Preferment not to forget himfelf ; and therefore he may very well be allowed to take the Freedom to forget others : for Advancement, like the Converfion of a Sinner, gives a Man new Values of Things and Perfons, fo different from thofe he had before, that that, which was wont to be moft dear to him, does commonly after become the moft difagreeable. And as it is accounted noble to forget and pafs over little Injuries ; fo it is to forget little Friendships, that are no better than Injuries when they become Dif- paragements, and can only t>e importune and troublefome, inftead of being ufeful, as they A MODERN POLITICIAN. 11 were before. All Acts of Oblivion have> of late Times, been found to extend, rather to loyal and faithful Services done, than Rebellion and Treafons committed. For Benefits are like Flowers, fweet only and frefli when they are newly gathered, but ftink when they grow ftale and wither -, and he only is ungrateful, who makes returns of Obligations ; for he does it merely to free himfelf from owing fo much as Thanks. Fair Words are all the Civility and Humanity, that one Man owes to another ; for they are obliging enough of themfelves, and need not the Affiftance of Deeds to make them good : for he that does not believe them has already received too much, and he that does, ought to expect no more. And there- fore promifes ought to oblige thofe only to whom they are made, not thofe who make them j for he that expects a Man fliould bind himfelf is worfe than a Thief, who does that Service for him, after he has robbed him on the High-way Promifes are but Words, and Words Air, which no Man can claim a Pro- priety in, but is equally free to all, and incapa- ble of being confined ; and if it were not, yet he who pays Debts, which he can poflibly avoid, does but part with his Money for no^ 12 A MODERN POLITICIAN. thing, and pays more for the mere Reputation of Honefty and Confcience than it is worth. He prefers the Way of applying to the Vices and Humours of great Perfons before all o- ther Methods of getting into Favour : for he that can be admitted into thefe Offices of Pri- vacy and Truft feldom fails to arrive at greater ; and with greater Eafe and Certainty than thofe, who take the dull Way of plain Fidelity and Merit. For Vices, like Beafts, are fond of none but thofe that feed them ; and where they once prevail, all other Confiderations go for nothing. They are his own Flefh and Blood, born and bred out of him 5 and he has a flronger natural Affection for them than all other Relations whatfoever And he, that has an Intel eft in thefe, has a greater Power over him than all other Obligations in the World. For though they are but his Imperfections and Infirmities, he is . the more tender of them 3 as a lame Member, or difeafed Limb is more carefully cheriihed. than all the reft, that are found and in perfect Vigour. All Offices of this kind are the greateft Endearments, being real Flatteries enforced by Deeds and Actions, and therefore far more prevalent than thofe, A MODERN POLITICIAN. 13 that are performed but by Words and Fawn-* ing ; though very great Advantages are daily obtained that Way And therefore he efteems Flattery as the next moft fure and fuccefsful Way of improving his Interefts. For Flattery is but a kind of civil Idolatry, that makes Ima- ges it felf of Virtue, Worth, and Honour in fome Perfon, that is utterly void of all, and then falls down, and worfhips them. And the more dull and abfurd thefe Applications are, the better they are always received : for Men delight more to be prefented with thofe Things they want, than fuch as they have no need nor ufe of. And though they condemn the Realities of thofe Honours and Renowns, that are falfely imputed to them, they are wonderfully affected with their falfe Pretences. For Dreams work more upon Men's Paffions, than any wak- ing Thoughts of the fame Kind ; and many, out of an ignorant Superftition, give more Credit to them, than the moft rational of all their vigilant Conjectures, how falfe foever they prove in the Event No wonder then if thofe, who apply to Men's Fancies and Hu- mours, have a ftronger Influence upon them than thofe, that feek to prevail upon their Rea- fon and Underftandings, efpecially in things fo J$ A MODERN POLITICIAN. delightful to them as their own Praifes, no Matter how falfe and apparently incredible : for great Perfons may wear counterfeit Jewels of any Caracr, with more Confidence and Se- curity from being difcovered, than thofe of meaner Quality ; in whofe Hands the Greatnefs of their Value (if they were true) is more apt to render them fufpected. A Flatterer is like Mahomet's Pigeon, that picks his Food out of his Matter's Ear, who is willing to have it be- lieved, that he whifpers Oracles into it ; and accordingly fets a high Efteem upon the Ser- vice he does him, though the Importer only defigns his own Utilities For Men are for the molt Part better pleafed with other Men's Opi- nions, though falfe, of their Happinefs, than their own Experiences j and find more Plea- fure in the dulleft Flattery of others than all the vaft Imaginations they can have of themfelves> as no Man is apt to be tickled with his own fingers j becaufe the Applaufes of others are more agreeable to thofe high Conceits, they have of thernfelves, which they are glad to find confirmed, and are the only Mufic, that fets them a dancing, like thofe that are bitten with a Tarantula, 4 A MODERN POLITICIAN, 14 He accounts it an Argument of great Dif~ cretion, and as great Temper, to take no No- tice of Affronts and Indignities put upon him by great Perfons. For he that is infenfible of Injuries of this Nature can receive none ; and if he lofe no Confidence by them, can lofe no- thing elfe j for it is greater to be above Injuries* than either to do, or revenge them ; and he, that will be deterred by thofe Difcouragements from profecuting his Defigns, will never obtain what he propofes to himfelf. When a Man is once known to be able to endure Infolencies eafier than others can impofe them, they will raife the Siege, and leave him as impregnable ; and therefore he refolves never to omit the leaft Opportunity of preffing his Affairs, for Fear of being baffled and affronted , for if he can at any Rate render himfelf Mafter of his Pur- pofes, he would not wim. an eafier, nor a cheaper Way, as he knows how to repay him- felf, and make others receive thofe Infolencies pf )iim for good and current Payment, which he was glad to take before And he eileems it no mean Glory to fliew his Temper of fuch a Compafs, as is able to reach from the highefl Arrogance to the meaneft, and moft dejected $ubmiflions. A Man, that has endured all 16 A MODERN POLITICIAN. Sorts of Affronts, may be allowed, like an Apprentice that has ferved out his Time, to fet up for himfelf, and put them off upon others 5 and if the moft common and approved Way of growing rich is to gain by the Ruin and lofs of thofe, who are in neceffity, why fhould not a Man be allowed as well to make himfelf appear great by debafing thofe, that are below him ? For Infolence is no inconfidera- ble Way of improving Greatnefs and Authority In the Opinion of the World, If all Men are born equally fit to govern, as fome late Philo- fophers affirm, he only has the Advantage of all others, who has the beft Opinion of his own Abilities, how mean foever they really are ; and, therefore, he fledfaflly believes, that Pride is the only great, wife, and happy Vir- tue that a Man is capable of, and the moft compendious and eafy Way to Felicity For he, that is able to perfuade himfelf impreg- nably, that he is fome great and excellent Per- fon, how far fhort foever he falls of it, finds more Delight in that Dream than if he were If all Ven are lorn.] Cur Author here has his Eye upon Har- rington, who by his Scheme of Rotation, admits all by turns intQ the Government, and muft confequently fuppofe a.11 t A MODERN POLITICIAN. 17 really fo ; and the lefs he is of what he fancies himfelf to be, the better he is pleafed, as Men covet thofe things, that are forbidden and de- nied them, more, greedily than thofe, that are in their Power to obtain ; and he, that can enjoy all the befl Rewards of Worth and Me- rit without the Pains and Trouble that attend it, has a better Bargain than he, who pays as much for it as it is worth. This he performs by an obflinate implicit believing as well as he can of himfelf, and as meanly of all other Men i for he holds it a kind of Self-Preferva- tion to maintain a good Eftimation of himfelf : And as no Man is bound to love his Neighbour better than himfelf ; fo he ought not to think better of him than he does of himfelf j and he, that will not afford himfelf a very high Efteem* will never fpare another Man any at all. He who has made fo abiolute a Conqueft over him- felf (which Philofophers fay is the greateft of all Victories) as to be received for a Prince within himfelf, is greater and more arbitrary within his own Dominions, than he that de- pends upon the uncertain Loves or Fears of other Men without him. And fmce the Opi- nion of the World is vain, and for the moft VOL. II. C i8 A MODERN POLITICIAN. Part falfe, he believes it is not to be attempted but by Ways as falfe and vain as it felf ; and therefore to appear and feem is much better andwifer, than really to be, whatfoever is well efleemed in the general Value of the World. Next Pride he believes Ambition to be the only generous and heroical Virtue in the World, that Mankind is capable of. For as Nature gave Man an erect Figure, to raife him above the groveling Condition of his fellow Creatures the Beafts : fo he, that endeavours to improve that, and raife himfelf higher, feems beft to comply with the Defign and Intention of Na- ture. Though the Stature of Man is confined to a certain Height, yet his Mind is unlimited, and capable of growing up to Heaven : And as thofe, who endeavour to arrive at that Perfec- tion, are adored and reverenced by all ; fo he, that endeavours to advance himfelf as high as poflibly he can in this World, comes neareft to the Condition of thofe holy and divine Afpirers. All the pureft Parts of Nature always tend upwards, and the more dull and heavy down- wards : fo in the little World the nobleft Fa- culties of Man, his Reafon and Understand - ing, that give him a Prerogative above all other A MODERN POLITICIAN. 19 earthly Creatures, mount upwards And there- fore he, who takes that Courfe and ftill afpires in all his Undertakings and Defigns, does but conform to that which Nature dictates Are not the Reafon and the Will, the two com* manding Faculties of the Soul, ftill ftriving which fhall be uppermoft ? Men honour none but thofe that are above them, conteft with Equals, and difdain Inferiors. The firft Thing that God gave Man, was Dominion over the : reft of his inferior Creatures j but he, that can extend that over Man, improves his Talent/ to the beft Advantage. How are Angels di-\ tinguifhed but by Dominions, Powers, Thrones, and Principalities ? Then he, who ftill afpires to purchafe thofe, comes neareft to the Nature of thofe heavenly Minifters, and in all Pro- bability is moft like to go to Heaven No Matter what Deftruclion he makes in his Way, if he does but attain his End : ^qr_npthing-is_a-_ .Crime, .thgtJ8joo_great to be punifhedj and when it is once arrived at that Perfection, the moft horrid Aclions in the World become the moft admired and renowned. Birds, that build higheft are moft fafe j and he, that can ad- vance himfelf above the Envy or Reach of his C 2 20 A MODERN POLITICIAN. Inferiors, is fecure againil the Malice and Af- I faults of Fortune. All Religions have ever 1 been perfecuted in their primitive Ages, when Ithey were weak and impotent ; but, when they propagated and grew great, have been received with Reverence and Adoration by thofe, who otherwife had proved their crueller! Enemies ; and thofe, that afterwards oppofed them, have fuffered as feverely as thofe, that firfl profeft them. So Thieves, that rob in fmall Parties, and break Houfes, when they are taken are hanged : but, when they multiply and grow up into Armies, and are able to take Towns, the fame things are called heroic Actions, and acknowledged for fuch by all the World. Co'urts of Jiifltce, for the moft Part, commit greater Crimes than they punifli, and do thofe that fue in them more Injuries than they can pofllbly receive from one another ; and yet they are venerable, and muft not be told fo, becaufe they have Authority and Power to juftify what they do, and the Law (that is, whatfoever they pleafe to call fo) ready to give Judgment for them. V/ho knows, when a Phyfician cures or kills ? and yet he is equally rewarded for both, and the Profedion efteemed never the lefs worfhipful And therefore he accounts it A MODERN POLITICIAN. 21 a ridiculous Vanity in any Man to confider, whether he does right or wrong in any Tiling he attempts j fince the Succefs is only able to determine, and fatisfy the Opinion of the World, which is the one, and which the other- As for thofe Characters and Marks of Diftinc- tion, which Religion^ Law, and Morality fix upon both, they are only fignificant and valid, when their Authority is able to command Obe- dience and Submiflion j but when the great- nefs, Numbers, or Intereft of thofe, who are concerned, outgrows that, they change their Natures j and that, which was Injury before, becomes Juftice, and Juftice Injury. It is with Crimes, as with Inventions in the Mechanics, that will frequently hold true to all Purpofes of the Defign, while they are tried in little ; but, when the Experiment is made in great, prove falfe in all Particulars, to what is pro- mifed in the Model : So Iniquities and Vices may be punifhed and corrected, like Children while they are little and impotent 5 but when they are great and flurdy, they become incorri- gible, and Proof againft all the Power of Juf- tice and Authority. C 22 A MODERN POLITICIAN. Among all his Virtues there is none, which he fets fo high an Efteem upon as Impudence, which he finds more ufeful and neceffary than a Vizard is to a Highwayman. For he, that has but a competent Stock of this natural En- dowment, has an Interefl in any Man he pleafes, and is able to manage it vyith greater Advantages than thofe, who have all the real Pretences imaginable, but want that dextrous Way of folliciting, by which, if theworft fall out, he is fure to lofe Nothing, if he does not win. He that is impudent is (hot-free, and if he be ever fo much overpowered can receive no hurt j for his Forehead is impenetrable and of fo excellent a Temper, that nothing is able to touch it, but turns Edge and is blunted. His Face holds no Correfpondence with his Mind, and therefore whatfoever inward Senfe or Con- viction he feels, there is no outward Appear- ance of it in his Looks, to give Evidence againft him ; and in any Difficulty, that can befal him, Impudence is the moft infallible Expe- dient to fetch him off, that is always ready, like his Angel Guardian, to relieve and refcue him in his greateft Extremities ; and no out- ward ImprefTion, nor inward neither (though his own Confcience take Part againft him) is A MODERN POLITICIAN. 23 able to beat him from his Guards. N Though! Innocence and a good Confcience be faid to be a brazen Wall^ a brazen Confidence is more im-, pregnable, and longer able to hold out; for it \ is a greater Affliction to an innocent Man to be fufpected, than it is to one, that is guilty and impudent, to be openly convicted of an apparent Crime. And in all the Affairs of Mankind, a brifk Confidence, though utterly void of Senfe, is able to go through Matters of Difficulty with greater Eafe, than all the Strength of Reafon lefs boldly inforced ; as the Turks are faid by a fmall flight handling of their Bows, to make an Arrow without a Head pierce deeper into hard Bodies, than Guns of greater Force are able to do a Bullet of Steel. And though it be but a Cheat and Impoflure, that has neither Truth nor Rea~ fon to fupport it, yet it thrives better in the World than Things of greater Solidity ; as Thorns and Thirties flourifh on barren Grounds, where nobler Plants would ftarve : And he, that can improve his barren Parts by this ex- nnocence."] A joking Aliufion to Horace - Hie Murm abeneui ejio Nilccxfcirefibi> mdla feJItfctre Culpa. Ep, L. l.Ep. j.V. 60. C 4 24 A MODERN POLITICIAN. cellent and moft compendious Method, deferves much better, in his Judgment, than thofe, who endeavour to do the fame thing by the more fhidious and difficult Way of downright In- duftry and Drudging. For Impudence does not only fupply all Defects, but gives them a greater Grace than if they had needed no Art j as all other Ornaments are commonly nothing elfe, but the Remedies, or Difguifes of Imper- fections And therefore he thinks him very weak, that is unprovided of this excellent and moft ufeful Quality, without which the beft natural or acquired Parts are of no more ufe, than the Guanches Darts, which, the Virtuofos fay, are headed with Butter hardned in the Sun, It ferves him to innumerable Purpofes, , to prefs on and underftand no Repulfe, how fmart or harfh foever 5 for he, that can fail neareft the Wind, has much the Advantage of all others j and fuch is the Weaknefs or Vanity of fome Men, that they will grant that to obftinate Importunity, which they would never have done upon all the moft juft Reafons and Confiderations imaginable \ as thofe, that Wkirbtfx Virtuifos.'] What Putltr refers to is recorded by tprat in his Hi (lory of the Royal Society See a preceding Note upon the Eifpl.ant in the Mow. A MODERN POLITICIAN. 25 watch Witches, will make them confefs that, which they would never have done upon any other Account. He believes a Man's Words and his Mean- ing fhould never agree together : For he, that fays what he thinks, lays himfelf open to be expounded by the moil ignorant 5 and he, who does not make his Words rather ferve to con- ceal, than difcover the Senfe of his Heart, deferves to have it pulled out, like a Traytor's, and fliewn publicly to the Rabble. ' For as a King, they fay, cannot reign without diflem- bling ; fo private Men, without that, cannot govern themfelves with any Prudence or Dif_ cretion imaginable This is the only politic Magic, that has Power to make a Man walk invifible, give him accefs into all Men's Pri- vacies, and keep all others out of his ; which is as great an Odds, as it is to difcover, what Cards thofe he plays with have in their Hands, and permit them to know nothing of his. And therefore he never fpeaks his own Senfe, but that which he finds comes neareft to the Mean- ing of thofe he converfes with j as Birds are drawn into Nets by Pipes that counterfeit their own Voices. By this means he poflefles Men, 26 A MODERN POLITICIAN. like the Devi/, by getting within them before they are aware, turns them out of themfelves> and either betrays, or renders them ridiculous> as he finds it moft agreeable either to his Hu- mour, or his Occafions. As for Religion, he believes a wife Man ought to poiTefs it, only that he may not be obferved to have freed himfelf from the Ob- ligations of it, and fo teach others by his Ex- ample to take the fame Freedom : For he, who is at Liberty, has a great Advantage over all thofe, whom he has to deal with, as all Hypo- crites find by perpetual Experience That one of the bell Ufes, that can be made of it, is to take Meafure of Men's Underftandings and Abilities by it, according as they are more or lefs ferious in it ; for he thinks, that no Man ought to be much concerned in it but Hypo- crites, and fuch as make it their Calling and Profeffion j who, though they do not live by their Faith, like the Righteous, do that which is nearer! to it, get their living by it j and that thofe only take the furefl Courfe, who make their belt Advantages of it in this World, and truft to Providence for the next, to which A MODERN POLITICIAN. 27 purpofe he believes it is moft properly to be re- lied upon by all Men. He admires good Nature as only good to thofe who have it not, and laughs at Friendfhip as a ridiculous Foppery, which all wife Men eafily outgrow ; for the more a Man loves another, the lefs he loves himfelf. All Regards and civil Applications fhould, like true Devotion, look upwards, and addrefs to thofe that are al>ove us, and from whom we may in Probability expect either Good or Evil ; but to apply to thofe, that are our Equals, or fuch as cannot benefit or hurt us, is a far more irrational Idolatry than worfhipping of Images or Beafts. All the Good, that can proceed from Friend- (hip, is but this, that it puts Men in a Way to betray one another. The heft Parents, who are commonly the worft Men, have naturally a tender Kindnefs for their Children, only be- caufe they believe they are a Part of themfelves, which ihews, that Self-love is the Original of all others, and the Foundation of that great Law of Nature, Self-Prefervation ; for no Man ever deflroyed himfeif wilfully, that had not firft left off to love himfelf Therefore a Man's .Self is the proper Object of his Love, which 28 A MODERN POLITICIAN. is never fo well employed, as when it is kept within its own Confines, and not fuffered to ftraggle. Every Man is juft fo much a Slave as he is concerned in the Will, Inclinations, or Fortunes of another, or has any thing of himfelf out of his own Power to difpofe of; and therefore he is refolved never to truft any Man with that Kindnefs, which he takes up of himfelf, unlefs he has fuch Security as is moft certain to yield him double Intereft : For he that does otherwifej is but a Jew and a 'Turk to himfelf, which is much worfe than to be fo to all the World befide. Friends are only Friends to thofe who have no need of them, and when they have, become no longer Friends ; like the Reaves of Trees, that clothe the Woods in the tieat of Summer, when they have no need of /Warmth, but leave them naked when cold /Weather comes ; and fince there are fo few | that prove otherwife, it is not Wifdom to rely on any. He is of Opinion, that no Men are fo fit to be employed and ti ufted as Fools, or Knaves ; for the firfl underftand no Right, the others regard none ; and whenfoever there falls out an Occafion, that may prove of great Importance, A MODERN POLITICIAN. 29 if the Infamy and Danger of the Difhonefly be not too apparent, they are the only Perfons, that are fit for the Undertaking. They are both equally greedy of Employment, the one out of an Itch to be thought able, and the other honeft enough to be trailed, as by Ufe and Practice they fometimes prove : For the general Bufmefs of the World lies, for the moft Part, in Rotines and Forms, of which there are none fo exacl Obfervers, as thofe, who underfland nothing elfe to divert them; as Carters ufe to blind their Fore-horfes on both Sides, that they may fee only forward, and fo keep the Road the better ; and Men, that aim at a Mark, ufe $o fhut one Eye, that they may fee the furer with the other. If Fools are not notorious, they have far more Perfons to deal with of their own Elevation (who underfland one another better) than they have of thofe, that are above them, which renders them fitter for many BufinefTes than wifer Men, and they believe themfelves to be fo for all : For no Man ever thought himfelf a Fool, that was one, fo confident does their Ignorance naturally render them ; and Confidence is no contempti- ble Qualification in the Management of human Affairs And as blind Men have fecret Artifices 3 o A MODERN POLITICIAN. and Tricks to fupply that Defect, and find out their Ways, which thofe, who have their Eyes and are but hoodwinked, are utterly unable to do : fo Fools have always little Crafts and Frauds in all their Tranfactions, which wifer Men would never have thought upon ; and by thofe they frequently arrive at very great Wealth, and as great Succefs, in all their Un- dertakings For all Fools are but feeble and impotent Knaves, that have as ftrong and ve- hement Inclinations to all Sorts of Difhonefty as the moft notorious of thofe Engineers, but want Abilities to put them in Practice j and as they are always found to be the moft obftinate and intractable People to be prevailed upon by Reafon or Conlcience j fo they are as eafy to fubmit to their Superiors, that is Knaves, by whom they are always obferved to be governed } as all Corporations are wont to choofe their Magiftrates out of their own Members. A s for Knaves, they are commonly true enough to their own Interefts -, and while they gain by their Employments, will be careful not to diflerve thofe, who can turn them out when they pleafe, what Tricks foever they put upon others ; and therefore fuch Men prove more ufeful to them, in their Defigns of Gain and A MODERN POLITICIAN, ji Profit, than thofe, whofe Confciences and Rea- fon will not permit them to take that Lati- tude. And fince Buffoonery is, and has always been fo delightful to great Perfons, he holds him very improvident, that is to feek in a Qua- lity To inducing, that he cannot at leaft ferve for want of a better j efpecially fince it is fo eafy, that the greater* Part of the Difficulty lyes in Confidence, and he, that can but ftand fair, and give Aim to thofe that are Gamefters, does not alway lofe his Labour, but many times be- comes well efteemed for his generous and bold Demeanor 3 and a lucky Repartee hit upon by Chance may be the making of a Man. This is the only modern Way of running at Tilt, with which great Perfons are fo delighted to fee Men encounter one another, and break Jefts, as they did Lances heretofore j and he that has the beft Beaver to his Helmet, has the greateft Advantage j and as the former paft upon the Account of Valour, fo does the latter on the Score of Wit, though neither, perhaps, have any great Reafon for their Pretences, efpecially the latter, that depends much upon Confidence, which is commonly a great Support to Wit, 32 A MODERN POLITICIAN. and therefore believed to be its betters, that ought to take place of it, as all Men are greater than their Dependents So pleafant it is to fee Men lefien one another, and ftrive who fhall ihew himfelf the mofl ill-natured and ill-man- nered. As in Cuffing all Blows are aimed at the Face j fo it fares in thefe Rencounters, where he, that wears the toughed Leather on his Vifage, comes off with Victory, though he has ever fo much the Di {advantage upon all other Accounts For a Buffoon is like a Mad- Dog, that has a Worm in his Tongue, which makes him bite at all that light in his Way ; and as he can do nothing alone, but muft have fomebody to fet him that he may throw at, he that performs that Office with the greateft Freedom, and is contented to be laughed at, to give his Patron Pleafure, cannot but be un- derftood to have done very good Service, and confequently defei vcs to be well rewarded -, as a Mountebank's Pudding^ that is content to be cut, and flamed, and burnt, and poifoned, without which his Mailer can fhew no Tricks, deferves to have a confiderable Share in his Gains. As for the Meannefs of thefe Ways, which fome may think too bafe to be employed to fo A MODERN fOLITIClAlsr. 33 excellent an End, that imports nothing: for 4 what Diflike foever the World conceives againft any Man's Undertakings, if they do but fuc- ceed and profper, it will eafily recant its Error, and applaud what it condemned before ; and therefore all wife Men have ever juftly efteem- ed it a great Virtue to difdain the falfe Values, it commonly fets upon all Things, and which it felf is fo apt to retract For as thofe, who go up Hill, ufe to iloop and bow their Bodies forward, and fometimes creep upon their Hands; and thofe, that defcend, to go up- right : fo the lower a Man {loops and fubmits in thefe endearing Offices, the more fure and certain he is to rife ; and the more upright he carries himfelf in other Matters, the more like in probability to be ruined And this he believes to be a wifer courfe for any Man to take than to trouble himfelf with the Know- ledge of Arts or Arms : For the one does but bring a Man an unneceflary Trouble, and the other as unneceflary Danger -, and the fhorteft and more eafy Way to attain to both, is to def- pife all other Men, and believe as ftedfaftly in Himfelf as he can, a better and more certain Courfe than that of Merit. VOL. II. D 34 A MODERN POLITICIAN. What he gains wickedly he fpends as vainly ; for he holds it the greatefl Happinefs, that a Man is capable of, to deny himfelf nothing, that his Defires can propofe to him, but rather to improve his Enjoyments by glorying in his Vices : for Glory being one End of almoft all the Bufmefs of this World, he who omits that in the Enjoyment of himfelf and his Pleafures, lofes the gresfteft Part of his Delight. And therefore the Felicity, which he fuppofes other Men apprehend that he receives in the Relifh of his Luxuries, is more delightful to him than the Fruition itfelf. [ 35 ] A N Hypocritical Nonconformift IS an EmbalTador Extraordinary of his own making, not only from God Almighty to his Church, but from his Church to him; and pretending to a plenipotentiary Power from both, treats with himfelf, and makes what Agreement he pleafes ; and gives himfelf fuch Conditions as are conducible to the Advantage of his own Affairs. The whole Deiign of his This Character, though fairly tranfcribed by our Author, by ly- ing in too damp a Place has received fome little Damage, which will account for feveral Hiatus's, which appear in it. They might, with no great Difficulty, have been rilled up ; but as the Reader may eafily do it himfelf, and has a much better Ri^ht to it than the Publifher, I rather chofe to leave them as I found them, than hazard the Imputation of Impertinence or Interpolation. It cannot efcape the Obfervation of thofe, who are acquainted with Butler's Writings, that many Paflages both in this and other Characters are fimilar to and explanatory of others in his tiudib. s ; and it may, perhaps, be thought that References with fhort Anno- tations might not have been improper : But as thefe, with many others of the like Sort which 1 meet with in his imperfect Pieces and loofe Papers, may very probably furniih Matter for a new Edition of that Poem, I think it is doing more juftice to the Reader to omit them. D 2 36 AN HYPOCRITICAL Tranfaction and Employment is really nothing elfe, but to procure frefli fupplies for the good old Caufe and Covenant, while they are under Perfecution ; to raife Recruits of new Pro- felites, and deal with all thofe, who are, or once were, good Friends to both ; to unite and maintain a more clofe and ftricT: Intelligence among themfelves againil the common Enemy, and preferve their general Intereft alive, until they fhall be in a Condition to declare more openly for it j and not out of Weaknefs to fub- mit perfidioufly to the Laws of the Land, and rebellioufly endure to live in Peace and Quiet- nefs under the prefent Government : In which, though they are admitted to a greater Share of rich and profitable Employments than others, yet they will never be able to recover all their Rights which they once enjoyed, and are now urijuflly deprived of, but by the very fame Ex- pedients and Courfes, which they then took. The Wealth of his Party, of which he va- pours fo much to ftartle his Governors, is no mean Motive to enflame his Zeal, and encou- rage him to ufe the Means, and provoke all Dangers, where fuch large Returns may in- fallibly be expected. And that's the Reafon NONCONFORMIST. 37 why he is fo ready and forward to encounter all appearing Terrors, that may acquire the Re- putation of Zeal and Confcience; to defpife the Penalties of the Laws, and commit himfelf voluntarily to Prifon, to draw the Members of his Church into a more fenfible fellow-feeling of his Sufferings, and a freer Miniflration. For fo many and great have been the Advanta- ges of this thriving Perfecution, that the Con- llancy and Blood of the primitive Martyrs did not propagate the Church more, than the Money and good Creatures earned by thefe profitable Sufferings have done the Difcipline of the modern Brethren. He preaches the Gofpel in defpite of it felf ; for though there can be no Character fo true and plain of him, as that which is there copied from the Scribes and Pharijees, yet he is not fo weak a Brother to apply any Thing to him- felf, that is not perfectly agreeable to his own Purpofes ; nor fo mean an Interpreter of Scrip- ture, that he cannot relieve himfelf, when he is preft Home with a Text, efpecially where his own Confcience is Judge : For what Privi- lege have the Saints more than the Wicked^ if 03 38 AN HYPOCRITICAL they cannot difpenfe with themfelves in fuch Cafes ? This Confcience of his, (like the Righte- oufnefs of the Scribes and Pharifees, from whom it is defcended) is wholly taken up with fuch flight and little Matters, that it is impoffible, it fhould ever be at Leifure to confider Things of greater Weight and Importance. For it is the Nature of all thofe, that ufe to make great Matters of Trifles, to make as little of Things of great Concernment And therefore he de-* lights more to diiier in Things indifferent j no Matter how flight and impertinent, they are wei^ity enough, in Proportion to his Judg- ment, to prevail with him before the Peace and Sa f '-ty of a Nation. But he has a further Ar- tifice in it j for little petulant Differences are more apt and proper to produce and continue Animofities among the Rabble of Parties, than Things of weightier Confideration, of which they are utterly uncapable, as Flies and Gnats are more vexatious in hot Climates, than Creatures that are able to do greater Mifchiefs. And they, that are taught to diflike the in^ different Actions of others muft of Neceffity abominate the greater. And as Zeal is utterly loft, and has no Way to (hew it felf but in Oppofhionj nor Confcience to difcover its NONCONFORMIST. 39 Tendernefs but in feeking Occafions to take Offence perpetually at fomething, and the flighter and more trivial the better; fo that' Confcience, that appears flrict and fcrupulous in fmall Matters, will be eafily fuppofed by the erroneous Vulgar to be more careful and fevere in Things of Weight, though nothing has been more falfe upon all Experience. for violating the Laws of God, as the Laws of the Land, and takes more care upon his Con- fcience, than to give it any juft Satisfaction ; for as it is apt to quarrel upon fmall and tri- vial Occafions, fo it is as eafily appeafed with flight and trivial Pretences, and in great Mat- ters with none at all ; but rather, like the Devil, tempts him to commit all Manner of Wickednefs : for we do not find, that any Pofleffions of the Devil ever produced fuch horrid Actions, as fome Men have been guilty of by being only pofTeft with their own Con- fciences. And therefore, ever fince the Act of Oblivion reprieved him from the Gallows, he endeavours to fupplant all Law and Govern- ment for being partial to him in his own Cafe ; as bad Men never ufe to forgive thofe, whom D 4 40 AN HYPOCRITICAL they have injured, or received any extraordi- nary Obligation from : For he cannot endure to think upon Repentance, as too great a Dif- paragement for a Saint to fubmit to, that would keep up the Reputation of Godlinefs. And becaufe the Scripture fays, Obedience is better than Sacrifice, he believes the lefs of it will ferve : For he is fo far from being fenfible of God's Mercy and the Kixgs, for his Pardon and Reftoration to a better Condition than he was in before he rebelled, that his Actions make it plainly appear that he accounts it no better than an Apoilacy and Eackjliding j and he expects a Revolution of Rebellion as ob- flinately, as the Turk does Mahomet's Coming. For it is juft with him as with other impeni- tent Malefactors, whom a Pardon or unex- pected Deliverance from fuffering for the firil Crime does but render more eager to commit the fame over again : For like a loofmg Game- fler he cannot endure to think of giving over, as long as he can by any Means get Money or Credit to venture again, And as the moil defperate of thofe People, after they have loft all, ufe to play away their Cloaths, he offers to ftake down his very Skin ; and not only (as fpme barbarous People ufe) fet his Wife and NONCONFORMIST. 41 Children, but his Head and four Quarters to the Hangman, if he chance once more to throw out. And yet, as ftubborn and ob- ftinate as he is to obey his lawful Sovereign, of whofe Grace and Mercy he holds his Life, he has always appeared true and faithful to all tyrannical Ufurpations, without the leaft Re- luclancy of Confcience: for though he was fool'd and cheated by them, yet they were more agreeable to his own Inclination, that does not care to have any thing founded in Right, but left at large to Difpenfations and Out-goings of Providence, as he fhall find Oc- cafion to expound them to the bed Advantage of his own Will and Interefl. He crys down the Common-Prayer, becaufc there is no Oftentation of Gifts to be ufed in the reading of it, without which he efleems it no better than mere lofs of Time, and La- bour in Vain, that brings him in no Return of Interefl and Vain-Glory from the Rabble ; who have always been obferved to be fatisfied with nothing but what they do not underfland ; and therefore the Church of Rome was fain (to comply with their natural Inclinations) to enjoin them to ferve God in a Language of 42 AN HYPOCRITICAL which they underftand not one Word; and though they abominate that, jet they endea- vour to come as near it as they can, and ferve God in an unknown Senfe, which their own godly Teacher has as great a Care to prepare equal and fuitable to their wonderful Capa- cities. And therefore, as the Apqftles made their divine Calling appear plainly to all the World by fpeaking Languages, which they never underftood before ; he endeavours to do the fame Thing moft prepofteroufly by fpeak- ing that which is no Language at all, nor underftood by any Body, but a Collection of affecled and fantaftic Expreflions, wholly ab- ftract from Senfe, as Nothingnefs, Soul Damning- nefs and Savingnefs, &c. in fuch a fuftian Stile as the tfurh and Perfiam ufe ; that fignify no- thing but the Vanity and want of Judgment of the Speaker ; though they believe it to be the true Property of the Spirit, and higheft Perfection of all Sanctity. And the better to fet this off, he ufes more artificial Tricks to improve his Spirit of Utterance either into Volubility or Dullnefs, that it may feem to go of it felf, without his Study or Direction, than the old Heathen Orators knew, that ufed to liquor their Throats, and harrangue to Pipes. NONCONFORMIST. 43 For he has fantaftic and extravagant Tones, as well as Phrafes, that are no lefs agreeable to the Senfe of . . . . in a Kind of ftilo re- citativo between finging and braying j and ab- hors the . . . . . Liturgy, left he fhould feem to conform to it. But as it is a Piece of Art to conceal Art, fo it is by artifi- cial Dullnefs to difguife that which is nataral ; and as his Intereft has Always obliged him to decry human Learning, Reafon, and Senfe; he and his Brethren have with long and dili- gent Practice found out an Expedient to maka that Dullnefs, which would become intolera- ble, if it did not pretend to fomething above Nature, pafs for Difpenfations, Light, Grace t and Gifts. For n\ the Beginning of the late unhappy civil War, the greateft Number of thofe of the Clergy, who by the means of their Parts, or Friends, or Honefty had no Hopes to advance themfelves to Preferment in the Church, took Part with the Parliament againft it, who were very willing to give a kind Reception and Encouragement to all thofe, that offered themfelves to promote the Caufe of Reformation, which they found to be the beft Diiguife they could poilibly put upon Rebellion ; and then this heavy Dullncfs, being a public 44 AN HYPOCRITICAL Standard of the common Talents of their Teachers, became (for want of a better) a Mode, and afterwards a Character of the Power of God/tnefs, in Oppofition to the Inge- nuity and Learning of the other Clergy ; and whofoever was not naturally endued with it, or fo much Hypocrify as would ferve to coun- terfeit it, was held unable, or fufpecled unfit to be confided in. And upon this account it has continued ever fmce among the Party, where it pailes for a Mark of Diftinclion to difcover who are gifted, and who not ; as among the Antient Pagans, when Monfters and Pro- digies had gained the Reputation of divine Prefages, the more unnatural and deformed they appeared, they were received with the more devout and pious Regard, and had Sa- crifices accordingly appointed for their Expia- tion. And this he finds ufeful to many Pur- pofes j for it does not only fave him the Labour of Study, which he difdains as below his Gifts, but exempts him from many other Duties, and gives his idle Infirmities a greater Reputation among his Followers than the greateft Abilities of the mofl induftrious ; while the painful Heavings and Straining, that he ufes to exprefs himfelf, pafs for the Agonies of thofe that de- NONCONFORMIST. 45 liver Oracles. And this is the Reafon why he is fo cautious to have all his Exercifes feem to be done Extempore, that his fpiritual Talent may not be thought to receive any Affiftance from natural or artificial Means, but to move freely of it felf, without any Care or Confideration. of his ; as if Premeditation and Study would but render him, like other falfe Witneifes, the more apt to contrive and imagine, how to be- tray and abufe the Truth. And to propagate this Cheat among his Hearers, he omits no little Artifice, that he thinks will pafs unper- ceived : As, when he quotes a Text of Scrip- ture, he commonly only names the Chapter, and about the Beginning, Middle, or End of it, or about fuch or fuch a Verfe, and then turns over the Leaves of his Book to find it, to fhew that he had not fo much Preparation as to do it before j but was always furprized with his Gifts,-and taken tardy before he was aware ; and- when he happens to be out, which is not feldom, will fteal a Look, and fquint into his Notes- as cunningly as a Schoolboy does into his LefTon that he is to repeat without Book that he may not be obferved to need the fame Means, which all thofe, that are ungifted, are ncccflltated to make ufe of: Although his Con- 46 AN HYPOCRITICAL cordance fupplies him with all the Gifts he has to cap Texts, and his Adverfaries Writings, with all the Doctrine and Ufe he has, except that which is factious and feditious, which is always his own, and all that, befide Nonfenfe, he can juftly pretend to. The Contribution, which he receives from his Congregation, ferves him, like a Scale, to take a juft Meafure of the Zeal and Godlinefs of every particular Member of it j and by com- puting what their Offerings amount to, in pro- portion to their Abilities, caft up exactly how much Grace and fpiritual Gifts every Man is endued with. This, like auricular Confeffion, lets him into the darkerr, Secrets of their Hearts j and directs him how to apply his Remedies ac- cording to their feveral Couftitutions j and by finding out by Obfervation or Enquiry the par- ticular Sins, that any , . with a Particular of his Eftate ....... plant all his Batteries a- gainft them, and deliver them over ..... .- . . . until he .... ranfom, and be converted to an equal Contribution and of them all. As Charity is faid to cover a. Multitude of Sins; fo does NONCONFORMIST. 47 charitable Contribution j and if that is want- ing, it is his Duty to lay them open, and im- pofe fuch Penances as he judges fitting, as well as difpofe of Indulgences, though he does not like the Word, to the beft Advantage. And therefore he is an implacable Enemy to all ec- clefiaftical Judges and Officers in the Church, and would truft no Creature living with the Conduct and Management of Men's Sins, but himfelf and the Dew/, who is the only fecular Power that he can confide in to deliver them over to, or redeem them back again at his own Rates. For he is a fpiritual Interloper, that fteals a Trade underhand, and by dealing in prohibited Commodities can underfell, and allow better Bargains of Sins and Abfolution, than thofe that deal fairly and openly can afford. As for the Bijhops, he is rather a Rival than an Enemy to them, and therefore becomes the more jealous of them : For all the Hlwill he bears them is only, whatever he pretends, for their Authority and their Lands, with which he is moft pafilonately in Love, but cannot poflibly get the Confent of both Parties to the Match; and therefore, like Solomons Harlot, had rather divide the Child, than let the right Owner have it. For his Church Members have 48 AN HYPOCRITICAL the keeping of his Conference, as well as he has of theirs, and both fealed and delivered, like a Pair of Indentures, to one another's Ufes ; fo that he cannot, though he would, alter his Judgment without their Confent, or fuch a valuable Confideration, as will fecure him againft all Damages, that he may receive by renouncing them and his own Opinion, when he finds it moft convenient to fatisfy all his Scruples, and conform. For as he parted with his Benefice, like a Gamefter that difcards and throws out a fuit that is dealt him to take in a better out of the Pack, and mend his Hand : fo he can as eafily by the fame light and Revelation, be converted, and change his Con- venticle for a better fpiritual Improvement, when a good Occafion is offered him. For how is it poflible that he, who cannot conform to himfelf, fhould do fo to any thing elfej or he that plants all Improvements of Piety in fpi- ritual Novelties fhould be conftant to any Thing ? For he that can endure nothing that is fettled, only becaufe it is fo, can never pof- fibly fettle in any Thing j but muft, as he out- grows himfelf in Grace, at length outgrow Grace too, as the moil refined of his Difciples have done Ordinances and Government. .For I NONCONFORMIST. 49 he differs no lefs from his own Doctrine and Difcipline, than from that of the Church, and is really made up of nothing but Contradic- tions ; denies free Will, and yet will endure Nothing but his own Will in all the Practice of | his Life j is tranfported with Zeal for Liberty / of Confcience, and yet is the fevereft Impofer/ upon all other Men's Confciences in the whole] World ; is a profeft Enemy to all Forms in! Godlinefs, and yet affects nothing more than a perpetual Formality in all his Words and Aftions j makes his Devotions rather Labours than Exercifes, and breaks the Sabbath by tak- ing too much Pains to keep it, as he does the Commandments of God, to find out new Ways for other Men to keep them , calls his holding forth taking of great Pains, and yet pretends to do it by the Spirit without any Labour or Study of his own. And although Cbrtfl fays, Hefted be the Peacemakers^ he will have none fo but the Peacebreakers \ and becaufe the firft Chriftians were commanded to be obedient for Confcience Sake, he commands his Brother Chriftians to be difobedient for the fame Reafon ; makes longer Prayers than a Pharifee j but, if the Treafon, Sedition, Nonfenfe, and Blaf- VOL. II. E 50 AN HTPOCRITICAL phemy were left out, fhorter than a Publican * for he is no Friend to the Lords-Prayer, for the Power and full Senfe of it, and becaufe it is a Form, and none of his own, nor of the Spirit becaufe it is learnt ; and therefore pre- fers the pharifaical Way of Tedioufnefs and Tautology. This he calls the Gift of Prayer y which he highly values himfelf upon, and yet delivers in a Tone that he deals from the Beg- gars j blames the Catholics for placing Devotion in the mere Repetition of Words, and yet makes the fame the Character of fpiritual Gifts and Graces in himfelf ; for he ufes the old Phrafes of the Englifi Tranflation of the Bible from the Jeivifo Idiom, as if they con- tained in them more Sanctity and Holinefs than other Words, that mere properly fignify the fame Thing. He proferTes a mortal Hatred to Ceremonies, and yet has more Punctilios than a Jew ; for he is of too rugged and churliih a Nature to life any RefpecT: at all to any Thing. And though Ceremonies are Signs of Submif- fion, and very u/eful in the public Service of God, yet they do not turn to anyconfiderable Accompt, nor' acquire any Opinion of Gifts from the People to thofe that life them ; and he pretends to a nearer Familiarity with his Maker NONCONFORMIST. 51 than to need any Ceremonies, like a Stranger j and indeed they are nothing agreeable to that audacious Freedom that he affumes in his Ap- plications to him. So he condemns Unifor- mity in the public Service of God, and yet affects nothing elfe in his own Doftrincs and U/es y and Cap and Beard, which are all of the fame Stamp. He denounces againft all thofe that are given over to a reprobate Senfe, but takes no Notice of thofe, that are given over to a reprobate Nonfenfe. He is an implacable Enemy to Superflition and Profanenefs, and never gives it quarter, but is very tender of meddling with Hypocrify, though it be far more wicked, becaufe the Interefts of it are fo mixt with his own, that it is very difficult to touch the one without difordering the other : For though Hypocrify be but a Form of Godli- nefs without Power, and he defies Forms above all Things, yet he is content to allow of it there, and difclaim it in all Things elfe. E 2 REPUBLICAN IS a civil Fanatic, an Utopian Senator ; and as all Fanatics cheat themfelves with Words, miflaking them for Things j fo does he with the falfe Senfe of Liberty. He builds Govern- ments in the Air, and fhapes them with his Fancy, as Men do Figures in the Clouds. H e is a great Lover of his own Imaginations, which he calls his Country j and is very much for Obedience to his own Senfe, but not further. He is a nominal Politician, a faithful and loyal Subject to notional Governments, but an obftinate Rebel to the real. He dreams of a Republic waking $ but as all Dreams are dif- proportionate and imperfect ; fo are his Con- ceptions of it : For he has not Wit enough to underfrand the Difference between Speeula- This and the following Charafter were vifibly intended for Har- n^ton and his Followers j and there needs no other Key to them A REPUBLICAN. 53 tion and Practice. He is fo much a Fool, that, like the Dg in the Fable, he lofes his real Liberty, to enjoy the Shadow of it : For the more he ftudies to diflike the Government, he lives under, the further he is off his real Free- dom. While he is modelling of Governments, he forgets that no Government was ever made by Model : For they are not built as Houfes are, but grow as Trees do. And as fome Trees thrive beft in one Soil, fome in another j fo do Governments, but none equally in any, but all generally where they are moft naturally produced j and therefore 'tis probable, the State of Venice would be no more the fame in any other Country, if introduced, than their Trade of Glafs-making. To avoid this he calculates his Model to the Elevation of a particular Clime, but with the fame Succefs (if put in Practice) as Almanac-Makers do, to ferve only for a Year; and his Predictions of Succefs would be according, but nothing fo certain as their fair and foul Weather. He has not Judg- ment enough to obferve, that all Models of Governments are merely Utopian^ that have no but what has been already obferved of that Gentleman, in the Note upon the Speech made at the Rota. 3 54 A REPUBLICAN. Territory but in Books, nor Subje6ts but in hot Heads and ftrong Fancies ; that Plato's is much wifer than any of his Size, and yet it has been a long while in the World quite out of Employment, and is like to continue fo, at leatt till his great Year, a fad Difcourage- ment to a State-Projector But his is like to have a harder Province ; for without a previous Rebellion nothing is to be expected, and then that is to profper, or elfe all is loft : Next the Nation is to fall into Ruin andConfufion juft in the Order as he has defigned it, other-wife it will be to no Purpofe Then nothing is to intervene; but after fo many Alterations the fame Perfons are to outlive all, and continue frill in the fame Mind they were in, efpecially thofe in Power, and their Interefts to be the very fame they are at prefent, elfe nothing is to be done. After all this, if nothing elfe in- terpofe, but the Will of God, a Model of a Republic may (if the Times v/ill bear it) be propofed, and if it be thought fit it fliould go no further, the Propofers ihall be ordered to have Thanks, and be told, that it fhall be .taken into Confideration, or is fo already; and then it will be juft where it is now. And this is all the poflible Rotation our fpeculative A REPUBLICAN. 55 State-Botcher can in Reafon promife to him- felf to make thofe, that have any Senfe of his Party to believe. This is much more pro- bable than any Dream of the State-Quack, that ufeci to mount his Bank in a Coffee-Houfe, and foretold Oliver Cromwel fhould live fo many Years after he was hanged, and after dying leave the Republicans his Heirs -, tho' that has been partly performed in fome, who have fmce taken upon them to be his Adminiftra- tors, and in due Time is like to befall the reft. He has a Fancy, for 'tis no more, to a Com- monwealth, becaufe he has feen the Picture of it, no Matter whether true or falfe, it pleafes his Humour, though it be nothing but a great Corporation -, for 'tis but calling the Bailiffs of a good Town Confuh, -the Aldej'men Senators, the Churchwardens JEdiles, and the Parfon Pontifex Maximus, and the Thing is done. Mofl that I know of this Sort are Haranguers, that will hold any Argument, rather than their Tongues, and like this Government before any other, becaufe every Man has a Voice in it, and the greateft Orators prove the ableft Statefmen. He catched this Itch at the Rota, E 4 56 A REPUBLICAN. where a State Charletan feduced him with Coffee and Sedition by promifing his Abilities great Advancements in Oceana. Ever fmce he has a mind to be a Piece of a Prince, tho' his own whole Share of Htghnefs will not amount to the Value of a Pepper Corn yearly if it be demanded: Howfoever it will ferve to entitle him to a Share in the Government, which he would fain be at, and believes him- ielf right able to manage, though that be an ill Sign ; for commonly thofe, that defire it molt, are the moft unfit for it. He follows his Inclination to a Republic, as a Bowler does his Bowl, when he miftakes his Ground, and fcrews his Body that Way he would have it run, and to as much Purpofe, but more dangerous ; for if he run too far, he may, be- fore he is aware, run his Neck into a Hal- ter. Of all State-Fanatics he is the moft foolifh, and further!: off any of his Ends, unlefs it be the Gallows. Sure 'tis a very politic Thing to wifh, and great Wifdom is required to fancy properly, and contrive judicioufly what might be, if all Things would but fall out as they ought, and Fate were but as wife as it fhould be. AREPUBLICAN. 57 If he could but find out a Way to hold In- telligence with Cardans Homines aerii, thofe fubtle Inhabitants of the Air, he might in Probability eftablifh his Government among them, much fooner than here, where fo many Experiments have been fo lately made to no Purpofe. For Oceana is but a kind of a float- ing Ifland, like the Irijh O Brian, that never cafts Anchor ; and thofe that have been upon it know not where to find it again, nor what to make on't : For there is no Account of it in the Map, nor any where elfe, but in the Globe of an empty Noddle. Democracy is but the Effect of a crazy Brain ; 'tis like the Intel- ligible World, where the Models and Ideas of all Things are, but no Things ; and 'twill never go further. They are State-Recufants, politic Nonconfor mi fts, that out of Tendernefs of Humour cannot comply with the prefent Government, nor be obedient to the Laws of the Land with a fafe Fancy. They were all Freeborn in Fairy-Land, but changed in the Cradle ; and fo being not Natives here, the Air of the Government does not agree with them. Thuy ai'e filenced Minifters of State, that hold forth Sedition in Conventicles, and fpread new Governments erroneous both in 58 A R.E P U B L I C A N. Doctrine and Difcipline. They mold Govern- ments, as Children do Dirt-Pyes, only to bufy and pleafe themfelves, tho' to no Purpofe. He derives the Pedigree of Government from Uni- verfals, that produce nothing ; and fuppofes the Right of it to be only in thofe, that are incapa- ble of the Ufe of it, that is all Men, which is all one with no Man -, for that which is every where is no where. He will undertake to pre- vent civil Wars by proving, that Mankind was born to nothing elfe, and reduce them to Sub- jection and Obedience by maintaining, that Nature made them all equal. He pretends to fecure the Right of Princes by proving, that whofoever can get their Power from them has Right to it, and perfuade them and their Subjects to obferve imaginary Contracts, becaufe they are invalid as foon as made. He has as wife Difputes about the Original of Governments, as the Roficruciam have about the Beginning of the World ; when it would puzzle both him and them to find out, how the fail Hammer was made j but he would fain have them made by Laws, becaufe Laws are made by them, as if the Child begot the Parent. His Pedigree of Power and Right are as obfcure, as a Herald's genealogical Tree, that is hung with Matches, A R E P U B L I C A N. 59 like feveral Pair of Spectacles, and you may fee as far into Truth with them. He is a State- Quack, that mounts his Bank in fome obfcure Nook, and vapours what Cures he could do on the Body politic j when all the Skill he has will not ferve to cure his own Itch of Novelty and Vainglory. All his Governments are Ideots, and will never be admitted to the Ad- miniftration of their own Eilates, nor come to Years of difcretion. 60 A P O L I T I C I A N IS a fpeculative Statefman, Student in the liberal Art of free Government, that did all his Exercifes in the late Times of curfed Memory at the Rota, but is not yet admitted to praclife. He is a State-Empiric, that has Receipts for all the Infirmities of Governments, but knows nothing of their Conftitutions, nor how to proportion his Dofe. He diffecls the Body-politic into Controveiiies, as Anatomifts do the Body of a Man, and mangles every Part, only to find out new Difputes. He weighs every Thing in the Ballance of Pro- perty, which at fii ft would turn with the fortieth Part of a Grain, but fince by Ufe is \vorn fo falfe, that it inclines one Way more than the other moil: abominably. He fhapes dirty Governments on his Rota like Pipkins, that never prove without fome Crack or Flaw. He is always finding out of Expedients, but they are fuch as light in his Way by Chance, A POLITICIAN. 6t and nobody elfe would ftoop to take up. The harder he charges his Head with Politics, the more it recoils and is nearer cracking -, for, though in Matters of Action the more Expe- rience a Man has the more he knows, it fares otherways with Speculations, in which an. Error is feldom difcovered, until it be reduced to Practice ; and if but one of thefe creep in among his Contemplations, it makes Way for others to follow, and the further he purfues his Thoughts, the further he is out of his Way. He derives the Pedigree of Govern- ment from its firft Original, and makes it be- gotten on the Body of a Woman by the firft Father, and born with the firft Child, from whom all that are at prefent in the World are lineally defcended. He is wonderfully ena- moured of a Commonwealth becaufe it is like a common Whore, which every one may have to do with j but cannot abide Monarchy, be- caufe it is honeft and confined to one. He defpifes the prefent Government, let it be what it will, and prefers the old Greek and Roman, like thofe that wear long Beards, Trunk-Hofe, and Ruffs, but never confiders, that in that they are more fantaftic than thofe, that affect the neweft Fafhions. A STATE-CONVERT T S a thrifty Penitent, that never left Rebellion *- until it left him. He has always appeared very faithful and conftant to his Principles to the very laft : For as he firft engaged againft the Crown for no other Reafon but his own Advantages - } fo he afterward faced about, and declared for it for the very fame Confideration ; and when there was no more to be made of it, was thoroughly convinced, and renounced it from the Bottom of his Heart. He efpoufed the good old Caufe, like an old Whore that had Money in her Purfe, and made her an honeft Woman ; but, when all was fpent and gone, turned her out of Doors to fhift for her felf, and declared her to be no better than fhe fhould Like Lipfas's Dog] The Story of Lipfas's Dog, who had been taught to carry Meat in a Bafket, is thus related by Sir Kenelme ])gby ' Other lefs Dogs, fnatching as he trotted along Part *' of what hung out of his Baflcet, which he carried in his Mouth, " he fct it down to worry one or' them j whilft in the mean Time, A STATE-CONVERT. 63 be. He was very much unfatisfied in his Con- fcience with the Government of the Church, as long as Preibytery bore the Bag, and had Money to receive for betraying Cbrift ; but as foon as thofe Saints were gulled and cheated of all, and that the Covenant began to be no better than a beggarly Ceremony, his Eyes were prefently opened, and all his Scruples vanifhed in a Moment. He did his Endeavour to keep out the King as long as he could poffibly ; but when there was no Hopes left to prevail any longer, he made a Virtue of Neceffity, and appeared among the foremoft of thofe, that were mofl earneft to bring him in : and, like Ltpfiuss Dog, refolved to have his Share in that which he was able to defend no longer. What he gained by ferving again ft the King he laid out to purchafe profitable Employments in his Service j for he is one that will neither obey nor rebel againft him for nothing ; and though he inclines naturally to the latter, yet he has fo much of a Saint left as to deny himfelf, when he cannot have his Will, and denounce " the others fed at Liberty and at Eafe upon the Meat, that lay " there unguarded ; till he coming back to it drove them away, '* and hirmelf made an End of eating it up." See Digly on Sadies, p. 3 20, 64 A S T A T E-C O N V E R T. againft Self-feeking, until he is fure to find what he looks for. He pretends to be the only Man in the World that brought in the King, which is in one Senfe very true j for if he had not driven him out firit, it had been impoflible ever to have brought him in. He endures his Preferment patiently (tho' he eileems it no better than a Relapfe) merely for the Profit he receives by it j and prevails with himfelf to be'fatisfied with that and the Hopes of feeing better Times, and then refolves to appear himfelf again, and let the World fee he is no Changeling* : And therefore he rejoices in his Heart at any Mif- carriages of State-Affairs, and endeavours to improve them to the uttermoft, partly to vin- dicate his own former Actions, and partly in Hope to fee the Times come about again to him, as he did to them. R I S K E R T^XPOSED himfelf to very great Ha- J / zards, when he had no other Way in the World to difpofe of himfelf fo well. He ven- tured very hard to ferve the King in doing the Duty of his Place, that is, in putting him to Charges, when he had nothing for himfelf. He never forfook him in his greateft Extremi- ties, but eat and drunk truly and faithfully upon him, when he knew not how to do fo any where elfe : For all the Service he was capable of doing his Mafter was the very fame with that of Bel and the Dragons Clerks, to eat up his Meat, and drink up his Drink for The Reader will in this Chara&er have the Pleafure of obferving the honeft Impartiality of our Author, who is as fevere upon the Faults and Folly of the Cavaliers whole Principles he loved, as he is upon thofe of the fanatics, whom he hated ; and 'tis the more to be admired, as he himfelf had but too much Reafon to complain of ths Negleft of the Government towards him after the Reftoration. VOL. II. F 66 A R I S K E R. him. He was very induftrious to promote his Affairs to as high a Rate as he could, and im- proved his Revenue by increafing his Expences to the uttermoft of his Power. 'Tis true he ventured all he had, that is himfelf, in the King's Service : for he left nothing behind him but his Debts, and to avoid thefe and Perfecu- tion he was glad to fly to him for Protection. He ferved him freely, as Soldiers are faid to be Volunteers, that take up Arms becaufe they know not how to live otherwife. He forfook his native Country becaufe it forfook him before, and eaft himfelf upon the King, who knew as little what to do with him, as he did with himfelf. As for neglecting his own Affairs, nobody knows what that means, un- lefs it be that he did not betray the King, when he might have gotten Money to do it, as fome others of his Fellows did. And thefe are all the great and meritorious Services he has done, for which he believes the King is fo far behind hand with him, that he will never be able to come out of his Debt : For all Men are apt to fet very high Rates upon ever fo little that they do for Kings, as if they were to be over-reckoned by their Prerogatives j or A R I S K E R. 67 that it were the Mark of Majefty and Power to make Men Thieves, and give them leave to cheat ; that it were a Flower of the Crown to be firft ferved with all Sorts of Cheats and Impoftors, for the Management of the Royal Revenue, before the Subject can be admitted to furnifh themfelves for their neceflary Oc- cafions. He is perfuaded that he deferved fo well of the King in being a Burthen to him in his Neceflities, that he ought to be allowed to be one to the Nation for ever after. He is as confident that he contributed as much as any Man to the King's Reiteration, which is very true ; for he did what he could, and though that were nothing, yet no Man can do more. The moft defperate of all his Rifks was to venture over the Sea by Water, with private InftrucYions or privy Seals to borrow Money for the King's Ufe, and venture it Play for his own, in which he often mifcar- ried ; for the Plot being difcovered, all the Money was loft, except fome fmall Sums, that he laid out for his necerTary Charges of Whores, Fidlers, and Surgeons In tender Confidera- tion of all which great Services and Suffer- ings, he believes the King is obliged in Hon- F 2 68 A R I S K E R. OUL and Confcience to grant him a Brief to beg of him all the Days of his Life, and deny him nothing that he fhall demand ac- cording to the Rules of the Court, and in cafe of Refufal to profecute his Suit, till he recover it againft him by main Importu- nity. 69 MODERN STATESMAN OWNS his Ekftion from Free-Grace in Oppofition to Merits or any Forefight of good Works : For he is chofen, not for his Abi- lities or Fitnefs for his Employment, but, like a 'Tales in a Jury, for happening to be near in Court If there were any other Confideration in it (which is a hard Queftion to the wile) it was only becaufe he was held able enough to be a Counfellor extraordinary for the Indifference and Negligence of his Underftanding, and confequently Probability of doing no Hurt, if no Good; for why fhould not fuch prove the fafefl Phyficians to the Body politic, as well as they do to the natural ? Or elfe fome near Friend, This Character furnifhes us with another Inftance of Butler's Impartiality ; and, if we would imitate him in the Practice of the fame Virtue, \ve muft own, that the Reign of Charles II. though I am far from thinking it fo blameable as it is the prefent Fafliion of Politics to defcribe it, did but abound with too many Originals of the Copy, which is here drawn. F3 70 A MODERN STATESMAN. or Friend's Friend helped him to the Place, that engaged for his Honefty and good Beha- viour in it Howfoever he is able to fit {till, and look wife according to his bejl Skill and Cun- ning-, and, though he underftand no Reafon, ferve for one that does ; and be moft ftedfaftly of that Opinion, that is moft Hke to prevail. If he be a great Perfon he is chofen, as Alder- men are in the City, for being rich enough -, and fines to be taken in, as thofe do to be left out; and Money being the Meafure of all Things, it is fufficient to juftify all his other Talents, and render them, like it felf, good and current. As for Wifdom and Judgment with thofe other out-of-fafhioned Qualifications, which have been fo highly efteemed here- tofore, they have not been found to be fo ufe- ful in this Age, fince it has invented Scantlings for Politics, that will move with the Strength of a Child, and yet carry Matters of very great Weight ; and that Raillery and Fooling is proved by frequent Experiments to be the more eafy and certain Way. * For as the Germans heretofore were obferved to be wifeft when they were drunk, and knew not how to diflemble; fo are our modern Statefmen, when they are mad, and ufe no referved Cunning in their A MODERN STATESMAN. 71 Confultations. And as the Church of Rome and that of the T'urks efteem ignorant Perfons the moft devout, there is no Reafon why this Age, that feems to incline to the Opinions of them both, fhould not as well believe them to be the moft prudent and judicious : For heavenly * Wifdom does by the Confeflion of Men far ex- ceed all the Subtlety and Prudence of this World. The Heathen Priefts of old never de- livered Oracles but when they were drunk, and mad or diffracted, and who knows why our modern Oracles may not as well ufe the fame Method in all their Proceedings Howfoever he is as ably qualified to govern as that Sort of Opinion that is faid to govern all the World, and is perpetually falfe and foolifli ; and if his Opinions are always fo, they have the fairer Title to their Pretenfions. He is fworn to ad- vife no further than his Skill and Cunning will enable him, and the lefs he has of either, the fooner he difpatches his Bufmefs ; and Difpatch is no mean Virtue in a Statefman. A DUKE O F BUCKS T S one that has fludied the whole Body of * Vice. His Parts are difproportionate to the whole, and like a Monfter he has more of fome, and lefs of others than he fhould have. He This Charafter is the only one amongft the many which ftutler has drawn, that I find exprefly perfonal. As Dryden lias in his Abfa'om and Acbitophel attempted the fame Pidlure, it may, perhaps, be fome Satisfa&ion to the Reader to fee them placed together. Seme of their Chi eft ivere Princes of the Land : In the firft Rank cf tbeje did Zimri Jiand: A Manfo various, that befeenfd to be Kot cne, but all Mankind's Epitome ; Stiff in Opinions, always in the nvron^y Was every Thing by turns, and nothing long ; But in the Cou>fe of one revolving Moon Was ChyniJ}, F idler, State/man, and Buffoon. 7 ben all for Women, Painting, Rhyming, Drinking ; Bejides ten Tboufand Freaks, that dfa in thinking. A DUKE OF BUCKS. 73 has pulled down all that Fabric that Nature raifed in him, and built himfelf up again after a Model of his own. He has dam'd up all thofe Lights, that Nature made into the nobleft Profpecls of the World, and opened other little blind Loopholes backward, by turning Day into Night, and Night into Day. His Appetite to his Pleafures is difeafed and crazy, like the Pica in a Woman, that longs to eat that, which was never made for Food, or a Girl in the Green- ficknefs, that eats Chalk and Mortar. Perpe- tual Surfeits of Pleafure have filled his Mind with bad and vicious Humours (as well as his Body with a Nurfery of Difeafes) which makes him affect new and extravagant Ways, as being fick and tired with the Old. Continual Wine, Women, and Mufic put falfe Values upon Bleft Madman, , or to enjoy ! Railing and praifing ivere bis vj~ual 'Themes, And both (to Jhew bis Judgment) in Extremes : So over 'violent, cr o to which if he adds the Hiftory of his Hawks and Fifhing, he is very painful and laborious. He does his endeavour to appear a Drole, but his Wit being, like his Eftate, within the Com- pafs of a Hedge, is fo profound and obfcure to a Stranger, that it requires a Commentary, and is not to be underftood without a perfect Knowledge of all Circumftances of Perfons, and the particular Idiom of the Place. He has no Ambition to appear a Perfon of civil Prudence or Understanding, more than in put- ting off a lame infirm Jade for found Wind and Limb; to which Purpofe he brings his Squirehood and Groom to vouch ; and, rather than fail, will outfwear an Affidavit-Man* The Top of his Entertainment is horrible ftrong Beer, which he pours into his Guefls (as the Dutch did Water into our Merchants, when they tortured them at Amboyna) till they CGjifefs they can drink no more ; and then he triumphs over them as fubdued and vanquifhed, 92 A BUMPKIN: OR no lefs by the Strength of his Brain, than his Drink. When he falutes a Man, he lays vio- lent Hands upon him, and gripes and fhakes him, like a Fit of an Ague: and, when he accofts a Lady, he ftamps with his Foot, like a French Fencer, and makes a Longee at her, in which he always mifles his Aim, too high or too low, and hits her on the Nofe or Chin. He is never without fome rough-handed Flat- terer, that rubs him, like a Horfe, with a Curry-Comb, till he kicks and grunts with the Pleafure of it. He has old Family Stories and Jefts, that fell to him with the Eftate, and have been left from Heir to Heir time out of Mind : With thefe he entertains all Comers over and over, and has added fome of his own Times, which he intends to tranfmit over to Pofterity. He has but one Way of making all Men welcome, that come to his Houfe, and that is, by making himfelf and them drunk - y while his Servants take the fame Courfe with theirs, which he approves of as good and faith- ful Service, and the rather, becaufe, if he has Occafion to tell a ftrange improbable Story, they may be in a Readinefs to vouch with the more Impudence, and make it a Cafe of Confcience to lye, as well as drink for his Credit. All the C O U N T R Y-S QJJ IRE. 93 heroical Glory he afpires to, is but to be repu- ted a moft potent and victorious Stealer of Deer, and beater-up of Parks, to which Pur- pofe he has compiled Commentaries of his own great Actions, that treat of his dreadful Adventures in the Night, of giving Battle in the Dark, difcomfiting of Keepers, horfmg the deer on his own Back, and making off with equal Refolution and Succefs. He goes to Bawdy-Houfes, to fee Fafhions; that is, to have his Pocket pick't, and the Pox into the Bargain. [ 94 ] A N ANTIQUARY IS one that has his Being in this Age, but his Life and Converfation is in the Days of old. He defpifes the prefent Age as an Inno- vation, and flights the future j but has a great Value for that, which is pail and gone, like the Madman, that fell in Love with Cleopatra. He is an old frippery -Philofopher, that has fo ftrange a natural AffecYion to worm-eaten Speculation, that it is apparent he has a Worm in his Skull. He honours his Forefathers and Fore-mothers, but condemns his Parents as too modern, and no better than Upflarts. He neglects himfelf, becaufe he was born in his own Time, and fo far off Antiquity, which he fo much admires; and repines, like a younger Brother, becaufe he came fo late into tlie World. He fpends the one half of his Time in collecting old infignificant Trifles, AN A N T 1 QJJ A R Y. 95 and the other in fhewing them, which he takes fingular Delight in j becaufe the oftener he does it, the further they are from being new to him. All his Curiofities take place of one another according to their Seniority, and he values them not by their Abilities, but their Standing. He has a great Veneration for Words that are ftricken in Years, and are grown fo aged, that they have out-lived their Employments Thef e he ufes with a Refpecl agreeable to" their An- tiquity, and the good Services they have done. He throws away his Time in enquiring after that which is paft and gone fo many Ages ilnce, like one that flioots away an Arrow, to find out another that was loft before. He fetches things out of Duft and Ruins, like the Fable of the chymical Plant raifed out of its own Ames. He values one old Invention, that is loft and never to be recovered, before all the new ones in the World, tho* never fo ufefwl. The whole Bufmefs of his Life is the fame with his, that mows the Tombs ztWeJlminjler, only the one does it for his Pleafure, and the other for Money. As every Man has but one Fa- ther, but two Grand-Fathers and a World of Anceftors ; fo he has a proportional Value 96 A N A N T I Q^U A R Y. for Things that are antient, and the further off the greater. He is a great Time-ferver, but it is of Time out of Mind, to which he conforms exactly, but is wholly retired from the prefent. His Days were fpent and gone long before he came into the World, and fince his only Bufinefs is to collect what he can out of the Ruins of them. He has fo ftrong a natural Affection to any Thing that is old, that he may truly^^y to Duft and Worms you are my Father, and to Rot- tennefs thou art my Mother. He has no Provi- dence nor Fore-fight j for all his Contempla- tions look backward upon the Days of old, and his Brains are turned with them, as if he walked backwards. He had rather interpret one obfcure Word in any old fenfelefs Dif- courfe, than be Author of the moil ingenious new one; and with Scaliger would fell the Empire of Germany (if it were in his Power) for an old Song. He devours an old Manuf- cript with greater Relifh than Worms and Moths do, and, though there be nothing in it, values And with Scaliger ivculd fell the Empirt of Germany] This al- ludes to a ranting Exclamation of Scalper's upon an Ode in Horace, which he was particularly pleafed \yith. A N A N T I Q U A R Y. 97 it above any Thing printed, which he accounts but a Novelty* When he happens to cure a fm all Botch in an old Author* he is as proud of it, as if he had got the Philofophers Stone, and ' could cure all the Difeafes of Mankind* He values things wrongfully upon their Anti- quity, forgetting that the moft modern are really the moft ancient of all Things in the World, like thofe that reckon their Pounds before their Shillings and Pence, of which they are made up. He efleems no Cuftoms but fuch as have outlived themfelves, and are long fince out of Ufe ; as the Catholics allow of no Saints, but fuch as are dead, and the Fanatics, in Op* pofition, of none but the Living. VOL. II. H PROUD MAN IS a Fool in Fermentation, that fwells and boils over like a Porridge-Pot. He fets out his Feathers like an Owl, to fwell and feem bigger than he is. He is troubled with a Tu- mour and Inflammation of Self-Conceit, that renders every Part of him ftiff and uneafy. He has given himfelf Sympathetic Love-Pow- der, that works upon him to Dotage, and has transformed him into his own Miftrefs. He is his own Gallant, and makes moil paffionate AddrefTes to his own dear Perfections. He commits Idolatry to himfelf, and worlhips his own Image j though there is no Soul living of his Church but himfelf, yet he believes as the Church believes, and maintains his Faith with the ObrYmacy of a Fanatic. He is his own Favourite, and advances himfelf not only above his Merit, but all Mankind ; is both Damon and Pythias to his own dear felf, and values his A P R O U D M A N. 99 Crony above his Soul. He gives Place to no Man but himfelf, and that with very great Diftance to all others, whom he efleems not worthy to approach him. He believes what- foever he has receives a Value in being his ; as a Horfe in a Nobleman's Stable will bear a greater Price than in a common Market. He is fo proud, that he is as hard to be acquainted with himfelf as with others -, for he is very apt to forget who he is, and knows himfelf only fuperficially j therefore he treats himfelf civilly as a ftranger with Ceremony and Com- pliment, but admits of no Privacy. He frrives to look bigger than himfelf, as well as others, and is no better than his own Parafite and Flatterer. A little Flood will make a fhallow Torrent fwell above its Banks, and rage, and foam, and yield a roaring Noife, while a deep filent Stream glides quietly on. So a vain- glorious infolent proud Man fwells with a little frail Profperity, grows big and loud, and over- flows his Bounds, and when he finks, leaves Mud and Dirt behind him. His Carriage is as glorious and haughty, as if he were advan- ced upon Men's Shoulders, or tumbled over their Heads like Knipperdolling. He fancies H 2 *oo A PROUD MAN. himfelf a Colofle, and fo he is, for his Head holds no Proportion to his Body, and his foun- dation is leller than his upper Stories. We can naturally take no view of our felves, un- lefs we look downwards, to teach us how humble Admirers we ought to be of our own Values. The (lighter and lefs folid his Mate- rials are, the more Room they take up, and make him fwell the bigger ; as Feathers and Cotton will fluff Cufhions better than Things of more clofe and folid Parts. [ 101 ] A FIFTH-MONARCHY-MAN T S one, that is not contented to be a Privy- * Counfellor of the Kingdom of Heaven, but would fain be a Minifter of State of this World, and tranflate the Kingdom of Heaven to the Kingdom of Earth. His Defign is to make Chrift King, as his Forefathers the Jews did, only to abufe and crucify him, that he might fhare his Lands and Goods, as he did his Vice- gerents here. He dreams of a Fool's Paradife without a Serpent in it, a golden Age all of Saints, and no Hypocrites, all holy-Court Princes, and no Subjects but the Wicked ; a Govern- ment of Perkln Warbec and Lambert Simnel Saints, where every Man, that had a Mind to it, might make himfelf a Prince, and claim a Title to the Crown. He fancies & fifth-Mo- narchy as the QuintefTence of all Governments, abftracled from all Matter, and confiding 102 A FIFTH - MONARCHY - MAN. wholly of Revelations, Vifions, and Myfteries. John of Leyden was the firfl Founder of it, and though he mifcarried, like Romulus in a Tem- peft, his Pofterity have Revelations every full Moon, that there may be a Time to fet up his Title again, and with better Succefs; though his Brethren, that have attempted it fince, had no fooner quartered his Coat with their own, but their whole outward Men were fet on the Gates of the City ; where a Head and four Quarters fland as Types and Figures of the fifth- Monarchy. They have been contriving (fince Experiments, that cofl Necks are too chargea- ble) to try it in little, and have depofed King Oberon, to erect their Monarchy in Fairy-Land, as being the moft proper and natural Region in the whole World for their Government, and if it fucceed there to proceed further. The IV- but he murthers, to prevent Difcovery ; fo fure is he to cry down the Man from whom he pur- loins, that his petty Larceny of Wit may pafs unfufpefted. He is but a Copier at bed, and will never arrive to praclife by the Life : For bar him the Imitation of fomething he has read, and he has no Image in his Thoughts. Whatfoever he hears ivell faid, &c.] In this Butler alludes to Martial's Epigram to Fidentinus. A S M A L L P O ET. in Obfervation and Fancy, the Matter and Form of juft Wit, are above his Philofophy. He appears fo over concerned in all Men's Wits, as if they were but Difparage merits of his own ; and crys down all they do, as if they were Encroachments upon him. He takes Jefts from the Owners and breaks them, as Juftices do falfe Weights, and Pots that want Meafure. When he meets with any Thing, that is very good, he changes it into fmall Money, like three Groats for a Shilling, to ferve feveral Occaflons. He difclaims Study, pretends to take Things in Motion, and to fhoot flying, which appears to be very true by his often miffing of his Mark. His Wit is much troubled with Obrrructions -, and he has Fits as painful as thofe of the Spleen. He fancies him- felf a dainty fpruce Shepherd, with a Flock and a fine filken Shepherdefs, that follows his Pipe, as Rats did the Conjurers in Germany. As for Epithets, he always avoids thofe, that are near akin to the Senfe. Such matches are unlawful, and not fit to be made by a Chriftian Poet i and therefore all his Care is to chufe out itas meus e/l, O Tidcntine, libellus : Sed male etum refit as, ixcipit effie tuus. hlart. L. I. U2 A SMALL POET. fuch, as will ferve, like a wooden Leg, to piece out a maim'd Verfe, that wants a Foot or two ; and if they will but rhime now and then into the Bargain, or run upon a Letter, it is a Work of Supererrogation. For Similitudes, he likes the harder! and moft obfcure beft : For as Ladies wear black Patches, to make their Complexions feem fairer than they are - y fo when an Illuflration is more ob- fcure than the Senfe that went before it, it mufl of Neceflity make it appear clearer than it did : For Contraries are beil fet off with Con- traries. He has found out a Way to fave the Expence of much Wit and Senfe : For he will make lefs than fome have prodigally laid out upon five or fix Words ferve forty or fifty Lines. This is a thrifty Invention, and very eafy - y and, if it were commonly known, would much in- creafe the Trade of Wit, and maintain a Mul- Weread dot Virgil ufed to make, &c.] This alludes fo a PafTage in the Life of Virgil afcribed to Dtnatus. " Cum Georgica fcribe- ' ret traditur quotidie meditates mane plurimos vert'us di&are fo- litus, ac per totum diem retraftando ad pauciflimos redigere : " non abfurde carmen fc nrfe aiore parere dkens, et lambrada * demom effingere. A SMALL POET. 113 titude of fmall Poets in conftant Employment. He has found out a new Sort of poetical Geor- gics, a Trick of fowing Wit like clover-grafs on barren Subjects, which would yield nothing before. This is very ufeful for the Times, wherein, fome Men fay, there is no Room left for new Invention. He will take three Grains of Wit like the Elixir, and projecting it upon the Iron-dge turn it immediately into Gold All the Bufmefs of Mankind has prefently vanifhed, the whole World has kept Holiday ; there has been no Men but Heroes and Poets, no Women but Nymphs and ShepherdefTes ; Trees have born Fritters, and Rivers flowed Plum-Porrige. We read that Virgil ufed to make fifty or fixty Verfes in a Morning, and afterwards re- duce them to ten. This was an unthrifty Vanity, and argues him as well ignorant in the Hufbandry of his own Poetry, as Seneca fays he was in that of a Farm ; for in plain Englijh As Seneca fays be or be forced to be obedient to Hedges and Ditches ? There- Which relates to the Diftempefs of Horfes, was employed in An- guflui"% Stables with great buccefs, and by that Means introduced himlclf into the Favour of that Prince. I 2 n6 A SMALL POET. fore he has no Refpect to Decorum and Pro- priety of Circumftance ; for the Regard of Perfons, Times, and Places is a Reftraint too fervile to be impofed upon poetical Licence ; like him that made Plato confefs Juvenal to be a Philofopher, or Perfius y that calls the Athe- nians Quirites. For Metaphors, he ufes to chufe the hardeft, and mofl far-fet that he can light upon Thefe are the Jewels of Eloquence, and therefore the harder they are, the more precious they muft be. Hell take a fcant Piece of coarfe Senfe, and flretch it on the Tenterhooks of half a fcore Rhimes, until it crack that you may fee through itj and it rattle like a Drum-Head. When you fee his Verfes hanged up in Tobacco-Shops, you may fay, in defiance of the Proverb, that the iveakeft does not always go to the Wall-, for 'tis Like him that made Plato, &c.] Who this Blunder is to be fa- thered upon I cannot difcover ; but that which he imputes to Per- Jius, and another of Juvenal's, a PafTage of his own in a Part of his Profe Collections called Criticijir.s upon Bocks and Authors* will ex- plain Pojius, fays he, commits a very great Abfurdity, when laying the Scene of his fourth Satyr in Greece, and bringing in So- crates reproving a young Statesman, he makes him call the Grx- tians Qnirilcs. A S M A L L POET. well known the Lines are ftrong enough, and in that Senfe may juftly take the Wall of any, that have been written in our Language. He feldom makes a Confcience of his Rhimes ; but will often take the Liberty to make preach rhime with Cheat, Vote with Rogue, and Com- mittee-Man with Hang, He'll make one Word of as many Joints, as the Tin-Pudding, that a Jugler pulls put of his Throat, and chops in again What think you of glud-fum-flam-hafta-minantes ? Some of the old Latin Poets bragged, that their Verfes were tougher than Brafs, and harder than Marble ; what would they have done, if they had feen thefe ? Verily they would have had more reafpn to wifh themfelves an hundred Throats, than they then had, to pronounce them* There are fome, that drive a Trade in writ- ing in praife of other Writers, (like Rooks, -Quiddtinde lequere, Quirites, Hoc puto non j u ft urn ejty illud male, reflius illud. Perf.S.^, Seme of the old ,atin Poets, &c.] Thus Horace Exegi monument urn tfre peretnius Regaliqiie fin Pyramidum a/tins liar. L. 3. O. 30, ii8 A SMALL POET. that bet on Gamefters Hands) not at all to ce- lebrate the learned Author's Merits, as they would fhew, but their own Wits, of which he is but the Subject. The Letchery of this Va- nity has fpawned more Writers than the civil Law : For thofe, whofe Modefty muft not en- dure to hear their own Praifes fpoken, may yet publifti of themfelves the moil notorious Va- pours imaginable. For if the Privilege of Love J)e allowed Dicere quce puduit^ fcribere juffit Amor, why fhould it not be fo in Self- Love too ? For if it be Wifdom to conceal our Imperfections, what is it to difcover our Vir- tues ? It is not like, that Nature gave Men great Parts upon fuch Terms, as the Fairies ufe to give Money, to pinch and leave them if they fpeak of it. They fay Praife is but the Shadow of Virtue ; and fure that Virtue is very foolifh, that is afraid of its own Shadow. When he writes Anagrams , he ufes to lay the Outfides of his Verfes even (like a Brick- In tb's be im' tates Een Johnfon.] We are told in Ben. Jdw fan's Lite, that he was intended for a Brick-layer, and worked for lome time at that Trade. Benlowfe's Poetry.'] As I never heard of any Poet of this Name, I take it for granted, that this is a cant Word for fome one that he did uotchufe to name; and I thinlc it not improbable that the Per- A S M A L L P O ET. 119 layer) by a Line of Rhime and AcrofKc, and fill the Middle with Rubbifh In this he imi- tates Ben. Johnfen, but in nothing elfe. There was one, that lined a Hat-Cafe with a Paper qf Ben/oivfe's Poetry Prynne bought it by Chance, and put a new Demi-Caftor into it. The fail Time he wore it he felt only a finging in his Head, which within two Days turned to a Vertigo He was let Blood in the Ear by one of the State-Phyficians, and reco- vered 5 but before he went abroad he writ a Poem of Rocks and Seas, in a Stile fo proper and natural, that it was hard to determine, which was ruggeder. There is no Feat of Activity, nor Gambol of Wit, that ever was performed by Man, from him that vaults on Pegafus, to him that tumbles through the Hoop of an Anagram, but Bejilows has got the Mattery in it, whether it be high-rope Wit, or low-rope Wit. He fon meant was Sir John Denbam. What fuggefted to me this Con- jefture is Butler's avowed Sentiments of that Gentleman, and a Cir- cumitance v/hich iolhnvs in the next Paragraph, in which Benlo-wt i.s f;iid to have been a Captain once, which coincides with the Hiitory of Sir John, who in the Beginning of the civil War Was employed in a military Capacity in the Kind's Service. I 4 I2d A S M A L L POET, has all Sorts of Echoes, Rebus s, Chronograms^ &c. befides Carwitcbets, Clenches, and Quibbles As for Altars and Pyramids in Poetry, he has out-done all Men that Way } for he has made a Gridiron, and a Prying-Pan in Verfe, that, befide the Likenefs in Shape, the very Tone and Sound of the Words did perfectly reprefent the Noife, that is made by thofe Utenfils, fuch as the old Poet called fartago lo- quendi. When he was a Captain, he made all the Furniture of his Horfe, from the Bit to the Crupper, in beaten Poetry, every Verfe being fitted to the Proportion of the Thing, with a moral Allufion of the Senfe to the Thing ; as the Bridle of Moderation, the Saddle of Content, and the Crupper of Conftancy ; fo that the fame Thing was both Epigram and Emblem, as a Mule is both Horfe and Afs. Some Critics are of Opinion, that Poets ought to apply themfelves to the Imitation of Nature, and make a Ccnfcience of digrcflmg from her j but he is none of thefe. The an- tient Magicians could charm down the Moon, and force Rivers back to their Springs by the ! : p;.ot A SMALL POET. 121 Power of Poetry only ; and the Moderns will undertake to turn the Infide of the Earth out- ward (like a Jugler's Pocket) and fhake the Chaos out of it, make Nature fhew Tricks like an Ape, and the Stars run on Errands; but flill it is by dint of Poetry. And if Poets can, do fuch noble Feats, they were unwife to def- cend to mean and vulgar : For where the rareft and moft common Things are of a Price (as they are all one to Poets) it argues Difeafe in Judgment not to chufe the moft curious. Hence ibme infer, that the Account they give of things deferves no Regard, becaufe they never receive any Thing, as they find it, into their Compo- fitions, unlefs it agree both with the Meafure of their own Fancies, and the Meafure of their Lines, which can very feldom happen: And therefore when they give a Character of any Thing or Perfon, it does commonly bear no more Proportion to the Subject, than the Fiflies and Ships in a Map do to the Scale. But let fuch know, that Poets, as well as Kings, ought rather to confider what is fit for them to give, than others to receive ; that they are fain to have regard to the Exchange of Language, and quart fne undtbfcc fartago loqucndi Pcrf. Sat. I. V. 80. 122 A S M A L L P O E T. write high or low, according as that runs; For in this Age, when the fmalleft Poet feldom goes below more the mo/r, it were a Shame for a greater and more noble Poet not to out-throw that cut a Bar. There was a Tobacco-Man, that wrapped Spanijh Tobacco in a Paper of Verfes, which Benlows had written againft the Pope, which by a natural Antipathy, that his. Wit has to any Thing that's Catholic, fpoiled the Tobacco j for it prefently turned Mundungus. This Au- thor will take an Englijh Word, and, like the Frenchman, that fwallowed Water and fpit it out Wine, with a little Heaving and Straining would turn it immediately into Latin, as plun- derat Ilk Domos Mille Hccopokiana, and a thou- fand fuch. There was a young Practitioner in Poetry, that found there was no good to be done with- out a Miftrefs: For he, that writes of Love before he hath tried it, doth but travel by the Map j and he, that makes Love without a Dame, does like a Gamefter, that plays for Mae the moji\ There is an apparent Defeft or Error in theie Words ; but 1 leave t :o ihe Reau-.r tq fupply or corred. A S M A L L P O E T. 123 Nothing. He thought it convenient therefore, firfl to furnifh himfelf with a Name for his Miftrefs beforehand, that he might not be to feek, when his Merit or good Fortune fhould beftow her upon him : for every Poet is his miftreffe's Godfather, and gives her a new Name, like a Nun that takes Orders. He was very curious to fit himfelf with a handfome Word of a tunable Sound ; but could light upon none, that fome Poet or other had not made ufe of before. He was therefore forced to fall to coining, and was feveral Months be- fore he could light on one, that pleafed him perfectly. But after he had overcome that Dif- ficulty, he found a greater remaining, to get a Lady to own him. He accofted fome of all Sorts, and gave them to underftand, both in Profe and Verfe, how incomparably happy it was in his Power to make his Miflrefs, but could never convert any of them. At length he was fain to make his Landrefs fupply that Place as a Proxy, until his good Fortune, or fomebody of better Quality would be more kind to him, which after a while he neither hoped nor cared for j for how mean foever her Condition was before, when he had once pre- tended to her, fhe was fure to be a Nymph and 124 A S M A L L P O E T. a Gbddefs. For what greater Honour can a Woman be capable of, than to be tranflated into precious Stones and Stars ? No Herald in the World can go higher. Befides he found no Man can ufe that Freedom of Hyperbole in the Character of a Perfon commonly known (as great Ladies are) which we can in defcribing one fo obfcure and unknown, that nobody can difprove him. For he, that writes but one Sonnet upon any of the public Perfons, fhall be fure to have his Reader at every third Word cry out What an Afs is this to call Spanijh paper and Ceruje Lilies and Rofes, or claps In- fluences To fay, the Graces are her waiting H r o- men> when they are known to be no better than her Bawdes that Day breaks from her Eyes, when fhe looks afquint Or that her Breath perfumes the Arabian Winds, when me puffs Tobacco ? It is no mean Art to improve a Language, and find out Words, that are not only removed from common ufe, but rich in Confonants, the Nerves and Sinews of Speech, to raife a Art; raiding Forcfk'tKs, &c.j This, if Ili... Hy?:. -:r;"s ill his Britifi i'r.n.t.:. Line of A SMALL POET. 125 foft and feeble Language like ours to the Pitch of High-Dutch, as he did, that writ Arts rattling Forejkins Jhrilling Bagpipes quell. This is not only the moft elegant, but mod po- litic Way of Writing, that a Poet can ufe j for 1 know no Defence like it to preferve a Poem from the Torture of thofe that lifp and flam men He that wants Teeth may as well venture upon a Piece of tough horny Brawn as fuch a Line, for he will look like an Afs eating Thiftles. He never begins a Work without an Invoca- tion of his Muje ; for it is not fit that (he fliould appear in public, to fhew her Skill before (he is entreated, as Gentlewomen do , not ufe to fmg, until they are applied to, and often denied. I (hall not'need to fay any Thing of the Ex- cellence of Poetry, fince it has been already performed by many excellent Perfons, among whom fome have lately undertaken to prove, that the civil Government cannot poffibly fubfift with- out it, which, for my Part, I believe to be true V i'ai'c Ltelj.] This alludes to Davenant See Grt/s Hu- 126 A SMALL POET. in a poetical Senfe, and more probable to be received of it, than thofe ftrange Feats of building Walls, and making Trees dance, which Antiquity afcribes to Verfe. And though Pbilofophen are of a contrary Opinion, and will not allow Poets fit to live in a Commonwealth, their Partiality is plainer than their Reafons ; for they have no other Way to pretend to this Prerogative themfelves, as they do, but by re- moving Poets, whom they know to have a fairer Title ; and this they do fo unjuftly, that Plato, who firft banifhed Poets his Republic, forgot that that very Commonwealth was poe- tical. I fliall fay nothing to them, but only defire the World to confider, how happily it is like to be governed by thofe, that are at fo per- petual a civil War among themfelves, that if we iliould fubmit ourfelves to their own Refolution of this Queflion, and be content to allow them only fit to rule if they could but conclude it fo themfelves, they would never agree upon it- Mean while there is nolefs Certainty and Agree- ment in Poetry than the Mathematics ; for they all fubmit to the fame Rules without Difpute or Controverfy. But whofoever fhall pleafe to look into the Records of Antiquity fhall find their Title fo unqueftioned, that the greatefl Princes 4 A S M A L L P O E T. 127 in the whole World have been glad to derive their Pedigrees, and their Power too, from Poets. Alexander's, great had no wifer a Way to fecure that Empire to himfelf by Right, which he had gotten by Force., then by de- claring himfelf the Son of Jupiter ; and who was Jupiter but the Son of a Poet ? So Cafar and all Rome was tranfported with Joy, when a Poet mtd&fupitcr his Colleague in the Empire } and when Jupiter governed, what did the Poets, that governed Jupiter ? PHILOSOPHER SEATS himfelf as Speftator and Critic on the great Theater of the World, and gives Sentence on the Plots, Language, and Aclion of whatfoever he fees reprefented, ac- cording to his own Fancy. He will pretend to know what is done behind the Scene, but fo feldom is in the Right, that he difcovers no- thing more than his own Miftakes. When his Profeffion was in Credit in the World, and Money was to be gotten by it, it divided itfelf into Multitudes of Seels, that maintained them- felves and their Opinions by fierce and hot Con- tefts with one another ; but fmce the Trade decayed and would not turn to Account, they all fell of themfelves, and now the World is fo unconcerned in their Controverfies, that three Reformado Seels joined in one, like Efi- Like Epicuro~GajfinJo-Char1ton'.ana ] Butler in this fneeringly al- ludes to Dr. Cbarlton, whopublilhed aBook under the following Title, A PHILOSOPHER. 129 cur'o-Gaff*endo-Charltoniana, will not ferve to maintain one Pedant. He makes his Hypo- thefes hinifelf, as a Taylor does a Doublet with- out Meafure, no Matter whether they fit Na- ture, he can make Nature fit them, and, whe- ther they are too ftrait or wide, pinch or fluff out the Body accordingly. He judges of the Works of Nature juil as the Rabble do of State- Affairs : They fee things done, and every Man according to his Capacity gueffes at the Reafons of them, but knowing nothing of the Arcana or fecret Movements of either, they feldom or never are in the Right j howfoever they pleafe themfelves, and fome others, with their Fancies, and the further they are off Truth, the more confident they are they are near its as thofe, that are out of 'their Way, believe, the further they have gone, they are the nearer their Journey's End, when they are further!: of all from it. He is confident of im- material Subftances, and his Reafons are very pertinent, that is, fubflantial as he thinks, and immaterial as others do. Heretofore his Beard was the Badge of his Profeffion, and the Length Phyfiologia Epicuro-Gafiendo-Charltoniana. Or a Fabrick of na- tural Science erecled upon tht moji ancient Hypothecs of Atoms. Lond. 1653. Fol. VOL. II. K 130 A PHILOSOPHER. of that in all his Polemics was ever accounted the Length of his Weapon ; but when the Trade fell, that fell too. In Lucius' s time they were commonly called Beard-Wearers ; for all the Strength of their Wits lay in their Beards, as Sampforis did in his Locks : But fince the World began to fee the Vanity of that Hair- brained Cheat, they left it off, to fave their Credit. FANTASTIC J S one that wears his Feather on the Infide * of his Head. His Brain is like Quickfilvcr, apt to receive any Impreffion, but retain none. His Mind is made of changeabk Stuff, that alters Colour with every Motion towards the Light. He is a Cormorant, that has but one Gut, devours every Thing greedily, but it runs through him immediately. He does not know fo much as what he would be, and yet would be every Thing he knows. He is like a Paper- Lanthorn, that turns with the Smoak of a Candle. He wears his Cloaths, as the antient Laws of the Land have provided, according to his Quality, that he may be known what he is by them 5 and it is as eafy to decipher him by his Habit as a Pudding. He is rigg'd with Ribbon, and his Garniture is his Tackle j K 2 132 A FANTASTIC. all the reft of him is Hull. He is Cure to be the earlier! in the Fafhion, and lays out for it like the fir ft Peafe and Cherries. He is as proud of leading a Fafhion, as others are of a Faction, and glories as much to be in the Head of a Mode, as a Soldier does to be in the Head of an Army. He is admirably fkil- ful in the Mathematics of Cloaths j and can tell, at the mil View, whether they have the right Symmetry. He alters his Gate with the Times, and has not a Motion of his Body, that ' (like a Dottrel) he does not borrow from fome- body elfe. He exercifes his Limbs, like the Pike and Mufket, and all his Poftures are prac-* ti fed Take him all together, and he is nothing but a Tranflation, Word for Word, out of French, an Image cart in Planter of Paris, and a Puppet fent over for others to drefs themfelves by. He fpeaks French, as Pedants do Latin, to fhew his Breeding ; and mofl naturally, where he is leaft underftood. All his non-Na- turals, on which his Health and Difeafes de- pend, Mzftileno'vo. French is his Holiday-Lan- guage, that he wears for his Pleafure and Or- nament, and ufes EngKJh only for his Bufmefs and necefiary Occafions. He is like a Scotch- jpan, though he is born a Subject of his own A F A N T A S T I C. 133 Nation, he carries a French faftion within him. / He is never quiet, but fits as the Wind is faid to do, when it is moil in Motion. His Head is as full of Maggots as a Paftoral Poet's Flock. He was begotten, like one of Pliny's Portuguefe Horfes, by the Wind The Truth is he ought not to have been reared j for being calved in the Increafe of the Moon, his Head is troubled with a N. B. The laft Word not legible. K. [ '34 ] A MELANCHOLY MAN T S one, that keeps the worft Company in the * World, that is, his own ; and tho' he be al- ways falling out and quarrelling with himfelf, yet he has not power to endure any other Con- verfation. His Head is haunted, like a Houfe, with evil Spirits and Apparitions, that terrify and fright him out of himfelf, till he flands empty and forfaken. His Sleeps and his Wa- kings are fo much the fame, that he knows not how to diftinguifh them, and many times when he dreams, he believes he is broad awake and fees Vifions. The Fumes and Vapours that rife from his Spleen and Hypocondries have fo fmutched and fullied his Brain (like a Room that fmoaks) that his Underftanding is blear-ey'd, and has no right Perception of any Thing. His Soul lives in his Body, like a Mole in the Earth, that labours in the Dark, carls up Doubts and Scruples of his own A MELANCHOLY MAN. 135 Imaginations, to make that rugged and uneafy, that was plain and open before. His Brain is fo cracked, that he fancies himfelf to be Glafs, and is afraid that every Thing he comes near fhould break him in Pieces. Whatfoever makes an Impreffion in his Imagination works it felf in like a Screw, and the more he turns and winds it, the deeper it flicks, till it is never to be got out again. The Temper of his Brain being earthy, cold, and dry, is apt to breed Worms, that fink fo deep into it, no Medicine in Art or Nature is able to reach them. He leads his Life, as one leads a Dog in a Slip that will not follow, but is dragged along until he is almoft hanged, as he has it often under Confideration to treat himfelf in convenient Time and Place, if he can but catch himfelf alone. After a long and mortal Feud between - his inward and his outward Man, they at length agree to meet without Seconds, and decide the Quarrel, in which the one drops, and the other (links out of the Way, and makes his Efcape into fome foreign World, from whence it is never after heard of. He converfes with nothing fo much as his own Imagination, which being apt to mifreprefent Things to him, K 4 136 A MELANCHOLY MAN. makes him believe, that it is fomething elfe than it is, and that he holds Intelligence with Spirits, that reveal whatfoever he fancies to him, as the antient rude People, that firft heard their own Voices repeated by Echoes in the Woods, concluded it muft proceed from fome invifible Inhabitants of thofe folitary Places, which they after believed to be Gods, and called them Syhans, Fauns, and Dryads. He makes the Infirmity of his Temper pafs for Revelations, as Mahomet: did by his falling Sicknefs, and infpires himfelf with the Wind of his own Hypocondries. He laments, like Heraclitustht Maudlin Philofopher, at other Men's Mirth, and takes Pleafure in nothing but his own un-fober Sadnefs. His Mind is. full of Thoughts, but they are all empty, like a Neft of Boxes. He fleeps little, but dreams much, and foundeft when he is waking. He fees Vifions further off than a fecond-fighted Man in Scotland, and dreams upon a hard Point with admirable Judgment. He is juft fo much worfe than a Madman, as he is below him in Degree of Frenzy ; for among Madmen the moft mad govern all the reft, and receive a natural Obedience from their Inferiors. [ '37 ] A N HARANGUER T S one, that is fo delighted with the fweet * Sound of his own Tongue, that William Prynne will fooner lend an Ear, than he, to any Thing elfe. His Meafure of Talk is till his Wind is fpent j and then he is not fllenced, but becalmed. His Ears have catched the Itch of his Tongue, and though he fcratch them, like a Beafl with his Hoof, he finds a Pleafure in it. A filenced Minifier, has more Mercy on the Government in a fecure Conven- ticle, than he has on the Company, that he is in. He fhakes a Man by the Ear, as a Dog does a Pig, and never loofes his Hold, till he has tired himfelf, as well as his Patient. He does not talk to a Man, but attack him, and whomfoever he can get into his Hands he lays violent Language on. If he can he will run a Man up againft a Wall, and hold him at a 138 AN HARANGUE R. Bay by the Buttons, which he handles as bad as he does his Perfon, or the Bufmefs he treats upon. When he finds him begin to fink, he holds him by the Cloaths, and feels him as a Butcher does a Calf, before he kills him. He is a walking Pillory, and crucifies more Ears than a dozen {landing ones. He will hold any Argument rather than his Tongue, and main- tain both fides at his own Charge j for he will tell you what you will fay, though, perhaps, he does not intend to give you leave. He lugs Men by the Ears, as they correct Children in Scotland, and will make them tingle, while he talks with them, as fome fay they will do, when a Man is talked of in his Abfence. When he talks to a Man, he comes up clofe to him, and like an old Soldier lets fly in his Face, or claps the Bore of his Piftol to his Ear, and whifpers aloud, that he may be fare not to mifs his Mark. His Tongue is always in Mo- tion, the* very feldcm to the Purpofe, like a Barber's ScifTars, which are always fnipping, as well when they do not cut, as when they do- His Tongue is like a Bagpipe Drone, that has no Stop, but makes a continual ugly Noife, as long as he can fqueeze any Wind out of himfelf. He never leaves a Man until he has 3 AN HARANGUE R. j 39 run him down, and then he winds a Death over him. A Sow-Gelder's Horn is not fo terrible to Dogs and Cats, as he is to all that know him. His Way of Argument is to talk all, and hear no Contradiction. Firft he gives his Antagonift the Length of his Wind, and then, let him make his Approaches if he can> he is fure to be beforehand with him. Of all difiblute Difeafes the Running of the Tongue is the worft, and the harden: to be cured. If he happen at any time to be at a Stand, and any Man elfe begins to fpeak, he prefently drowns him with his Noife, as a Water-Dog makes a Duck dive : for when you think he has done he falls on, and lets fly again, like a Gun, that will difcharge nine Times with one Loading. He is a Rattlefnake, that with his Noife gives Men warning to avoid him, otherwife he will make them wifh they had. He is, like a Bell, good for nothing but to make a Noife. He is like common Fame, that fpeaks rnoft and knows leaft, Lord Brooks^ or a Wildgoofe al- ways cackling when he is upon the Wing. His Tongue is like any Kind of Carnage, the lefs Weight, it bears, the fatter and eafier it goes. He is fo full of Words, that they run over, and are thrown away to no Purpofe ; and 140 AN HARANGUE R. fo empty of Things, or Senfe, that his Dry- nefs has made his Leaks fo wide, whatfoever is put in him runs out immediately. He is fo long in delivering himfelf, that thofe that hear him defire to be delivered too, or difpatched out of their Pain. He makes his Difcourfe the longer with often repeating to befiort, and talks much of in fine, but never means to come near it. [ .'4' ] POPISH PRIEST IS one that takes the fame Courfe, that the Devil did in Paradife, he begins with the Woman. He defpifes all other Fanatics as Up- flarts, and values himfelf upon his Antiquity. He is a Man-Midwife to the Soul, and is all his Life-time in this World deluding it to the next. Chrlfl made St. Peter a Fifher of Men ; but he believes it better to be a Fifher of Wo- men, and fo becomes a Woman's Apoftle. His Profeflion is to difguife himfelf, which he does in Sheep's-Cloathing, that is, a Lay Habit j but whether, as a Wolf, a Thief, or a Shep- herd, is a great Queftion ; only this is certain, that he had rather have one Sheep out of ano- ther Man's Fold, than two out of his own. He gathers his Church as Fanatics do, yet def- pifes them for it, and keeps his Flock always in Hurdles, to be removed at his Pleafurej and though their Souls be rotten or fcabby with 142 A POPISH PRIEST. Hypocrify, the Fleece is fure to be found and orthodox. He tars their Confciences with Confeflion and Penance, but always keeps the Wool, that he pulls from the Sore, to himfelf. He never makes a Profelyte, but he converts him to his very Shirt, and turns his Pockets into the Bargain ; for he does nothing unlefs his Purfe prove a good Catholic. He never gets within a Family, but he gets on the Top of it, and governs all down to the Bottom of the Cellar He will not tolerate the Scullion un- lefs he be orthodox, nor allow of the turning of the Spit, but in ordine ad Spiritualia. His Dominion is not founded in Grace, but Sin j for he keeps his Subjects in perfect Awe by being acquainted with their moil facred Iniquities, as Juvenal faid of the Greeks. Set re volunt fecreta domus, atque inde timerL By this means he holds Intelligence with their own Confciences againfl themfelves, and keeps their very Thoughts in Slavery ; for Men com- monly fear thofe that know any Evil of them, and out of Shame give Way to them. He is very cautious in venturing to attack any Man by Way of Converfion, whofe Weaknefs he is not very well acquainted with ; and like the A POPISH PRIEST. 143 Fox, weighs his Goofe, before he will venture to carry him over a River. He fights with the Devi/ at his own Weapons, and ftrives to get ground on him with Frauds and Lies Thefe he converts to pious Ufes. He makes his Prayers (the proper Bufmefs of the Mind) a Kind of Manufacture, and vents them by Tale, rather than Weight j and, while he is bulled in numbring them, forgets their Senfe and Meaning. He fets them up as Men do their Games at Picquef, for fear he fhould be mif- reckoned j but never minds whether he plays fair or not. He fells Indulgences, like Lockier's Pills, with Directions how they are to be taken. He is but a Copyholder of the Catholic Church, that claims by Cuftom. He believes the Popes Chain is fattened to the Gates of' Heaven, like King Harrys in the Privy-Gallery. [ '44 3 A TRAVELLER IS a Native of all Countries, and an Alien at Home. He flies from the Place where he was hatched, like a Wildgoofe, and prefers all others before it. He has no Quarrel to it, but becaufe he was born in it, and like a Baflard, he is afhamed of his Mother, becaufe fhe is of him. He is a Merchant, that makes Voyages into foreign Nations, to drive a Trade in Wif- dom and Politics, and it is not for his Credit to have it thought, he has made an ill Return, which muft be, if he fliould allow of any of the Growth of his own Country. This makes him quack and blow up himfelf with Admira- tion of foreign Parts, and a generous Con- tempt of Home, that all Men may admire, at leail, the means he has had of Improvement, and deplore their own Defects. His Obferva- tions are like a Sieve, that lets the finer Flour j and retains only the Bran of Things -, A TRAVELLER. 145- for his whole Return of Wifdom proves to be but Affectation, a perifhable Commodity, which he will never be able to put off. He believes all Men's Wits are at a ftand, that flay at Home, and only thofe advanced, that travel; as if Change of Pafture did make great Politi* cians, as well as fat Calves. He pities the little Knowledge of Truth which thofe have, that have not feen the World abroad, forgetting, that at the fame time he tells us, how little Credit is to be given to his own Relations and thofe of others, that fpeak and write of their Travels. He has worn his own Language to Rags, and patched it up with Scraps and Ends of foreign This ferves him for Wit > for when he meets with any of his foreign Acquaintances, all they fmatter pafies for Wit, and they ap- plaud one another accordingly. He believes this Raggednefs of his Difcourfe a great Demon- ftration of the Improvement of his Knowledge % as Inm-of fo it be but old. He takes a liking to it as fome do to old Cheefe, only for the blue Rot- tennefs of it. If he had lived in the primitive Times he had never been a Chrljlian ; for the Antiquity of the Pagan and Jeixy/h Religion would have had the fame Power over him againft the Chrijlian, as the old Roman has againft the modern Reformation. The weaker VefTel he is, the better and more zealous Member he always proves of his Church ; for Religion, like Wine, is not fo apt to leak in a leathern Boraccio as a great Cafk, and is better pre- ferved in a fmall Bottle flopped with a light Cork, than a veflel of greater Capacity, where the Spirits being more and Itronger are the L 2 148 A CATHOLIC. more apt to fret. He allows of all holy Cheats, and is content to be deluded in a true, ortho- dox, and infallible Way. He believes the Pope to be infallible, becaufe he has deceived all the World, but was never deceived himfelf, which was grown fo notorious, that nothing lefs than an Article of Faith in the Church could make a Plafter big enough for the Sore. His Faith is too big for his Charity, and too unwieldy to work Miracles ; but is able to believe more than all the Saints in Heaven ever made. He worfhips Saints in Effigie, as Dutchmen hang abfent Malefactors ; and has fo weak a Me- mory, that he is apt to forget his Patrons, unlefs their Pictures prevent him. He loves to fee what he prays to, that he may not mif. take one Saint for another ; and his Beads and Crucifix are the Tools of his Devotion, with- out which it can do nothing. Nothing ftaggers his Faith of the Popes Infallibility fo much, as that he did not make away the Scriptures, when they were in his Power, rather than thofe that believed in them, which he knows not how to underiland to be no Error. The lefs he underflands of his Religion, the more violent he is in it, which, being the perpetual Condition of all thofe that are deluded, is a A C A T H O L I C. 149 great Argument that he is miftaken. His Re- ligion is of no Force without Ceremonies, like a Loadftone that draws a greater Weight through a Piece of Iron, than when it is naked of it felf. His Prayers are a kind of Crambe that ufed to kill School m afters ; and he values them by Number, not Weight. A CURIOUS MAN VALUES things not by their Ufe or Worth, but Scarcity. He is very tender and fcrupulous of his Humour, as Fanatics are of their Confciences, and both for the mofl part in Trifles. He cares not how unufeful any Thing be, fo it be but unufual and rare. He collects all the Curiofities he can light upon in Art or Nature, not to inform his own Judgment, but to catch the Admiration of o- thers, which he believes he has a Right to, be- caufe the Rarities are his own. That which other Men neglect he believes they overfee, and ftores up Trifles as rare Difcoveries, at leaft of his own Wit and Sagacity. He admires fubtleties above all Things, becaufe the more fubtle they are, the nearer they are to nothing -, and values no Art but that which is /pun fo A CURIOUS MAN. 151 thin, that it is of no Ufe at all. He had rather have an iron Chain hung about the Neck of a Flea, than an Alderman's of Gold, and Ho- mers Iliads in a Nutfhel than Alexanders Ca- binet. He had rather have the twelve Apoftles on a Cherry-Stone, than thofe on St. Peters Portico, and would willingly fell Chrift again for that numerical Piece of Coin, that Judas took for him. His perpetual Dotage upon Curiofities at length renders him one of them, and he fhews himfelf as none of the meaneft of his Rarities. He fo much affecls Singula- rity, that rather than follow the Fafhion, that is ufed by the reft of the World, he will wear difienting Cloaths with odd fantaftic Devices to diftinguifh himfelf from others, like Marks fet upon Cattle. He cares not what Pains he throws away upon the meaneft Trifle, fo it be but ftrange, while fome pity, and others laugh at his ill-employed Induftry. He is one of thofe, that valued Epittetuss Lamp above the excellent Book he writ by it. If he be a Book- man he fpends all his Time and Study upon Things that are never to be known. The Philofophers Stone and unwerfal Medicine cannot L 4 ' A CURIOUS MAN; pofiibly mifs him, though he is fare to do them. He is wonderfully taken with abflrufe Know- ledge, and had rather hand to Truth with a Pair of Tongs wrapt up in Myfteries and Hiero- glyphics, than touch it with his Hands, or fee it plainly demonflrated to his Senfes. [ '53 ] R A N T E R IS a Fanatic Heftor, that has found out by a very flrange Way of new Light, how to transform all the Devils into Angels of Light ; for he believes all Religion confifts in Loofenefs, and that Sin and Vice is the whole Duty of Man. He puts off the old Man, but puts it on again upon the new one, and makes his Pagan Vices ferve to preferve his Chriftian Virtues from wearing out j for if he fhould ufe his Piety and Devotion al- ways it would hold out but a little while. He is loth that Iniquity and Vice fhould be thrown away, as long as there may be good Ufe of it ; for if that, which is wickedly gotten, may be difpofed to pious Ufes, why fhould not Wickednefs itfelf as well ? He believes himfelf Shot-free againft all the Attempts of the Devil, the World, and the Flejk, and therefore is not afraid to attack them in their own Quarters, and encounter them at their own Weapons. 154 A R A N T E R. For as ftrong Bodies may freely venture to do and fuffer that, without any Hurt to them- felves, which would deftroy thofe that are feeble : So a Saint, that is flrong in Grace, may boldly engage himfelf in thofe great Sins and Iniquities, that would eafily damn a weak Brother, and yet come off never the worfe. He believes Deeds of Darknefs to be only thofe Sins that are committed in private, not thofe that are acted openly and owned. He is but an Hypocrite turned the wrong Side outward ; for, as the one wears his Vices within, and the other without, fo when they are counter- changed the Ranter becomes an Hypocrite, and the Hypocrite an able Ranter. His Church is the DeviFs Chappel j for it agrees exactly both in Doctrine and Difcipline with the befl reform- ed Baudy-Houfes. He is a Monfler produced by the Madnefs of this latter Age ; but if it had been his Fate to have been whelped in old Rome he had paft for a Prodigy, and been re- ceived among raining of Stones and the fpeak- ing of Bulls, and would have put a flop to all public Affairs, until he had been expiated. Nero cloathed Cbriftians in the Skins of wild Beafts ; but he wraps wild Beafts in the Skins of Cbrijlians. 8 I '55 1 A CORRUPT JUDGE PASSES Judgment as a Gamefter does falfe Dice. The firft Thing he takes is his Oath and his Commiffion, and afterwards the ftrongeft Side and Bribes. He gives Judg- ment, as the Council at the Bar are faid to give Advice, when they are paid for it. He wraps himfelf warm in Furs, that the cold Air may not {hike his Confcience inward. He is never an upright Judge, but when he is weary of fitting, and flands for his Eafe. All the Uie he makes of his Oath is to oppofe it againft his Prince, for whofe Service he firft took it, and to bind him with that, which he firft pre- tended to bind himfelf with ; as if the King by imparting a little of his Power to him gave him a Title to all the reft, like thofe who hold- ing a little Land in Cafite render all the reft 156 A CORRUPT JUDGE. liable to the fame Tenure. As for that which concerns the People, he takes his Liberty to do what he pleafes ; this he maintains with Cant- ing, of which himfelf being the only Judge, he can give it what arbitrary Interpretation he pleafes > yet is a great Enemy to arbitrary Power, becaufe he would have no Body ufe it but himfelf. If he have Hopes of Preferment he makes all the Law run on the King's Side 5 if not, it always takes part againft him j for as he was bred to make any Thing right or wrong between Man and Man, fo he can do between the King and his Subjects. He calls himfelf Capitalis, &c. which Word he never ufes but to Crimes of the higheft Nature. He ufurps unfufferable Tyranny over Words j for when he has enflaved and debafed them from their original Senfe, he makes them ferve againft themfelves to fupport him, and their own Abufe. He is as ft'iff to Delinquents, and makes as harfh a Noife as a new Cart-wheel, until he is greafed, and then he turns about as eafily. He calls all neceffary and unavoidable Proceedings of State, without the punctual Formality of Law, arbitrary and illegal, but never confiders, that his own Interpretations A CORRUPT JUDGE. 157 of Law are more arbitrary, and, when he pleafes, illegal. He cannot be denied to be a very impartial Judge; for right or wrong are all one to him. He takes Bribes, as pious Men give Alms, with fo much Caution, that his right Hand never knows what his left re- ceives. f 158 ] A N AMORIST IS an Artificer, or Maker of Love, a fworn Servant to all Ladies, like an Officer in a Corporation. Though no one in particular will own any Title to him, yet he never fails, upon all Occafions, to offer his Services, and they as feldom to turn it back again untouched- He commits nothing with them, but himfelf to their good Graces ; and they recommend him back again to his own, where he finds fo kind a Reception, that he wonders how he does fail of it every where elfe. His Paflion is as eafily fet on Fire as a Fart, and as foon out again. He is charged and primed with Love- Powder like a Gun, and the leaft Sparkle of an Eye gives Fire to him, and off he goes, but feldom, or never, hits the Mark. He has com- mon Places and Precedents of Repartees and Letters for all Occafions ; and falls as readily into his Method of making love, as a Parfon AN AMORIST. does into his Form of Matrimony. He con- verfes, as Angels are faid to do, by Intuition, and expreffes himfelf by Sighs moft fignificant- ly. He follows his Vifits, as Men do their Bufinefs, and is very induftrious in waiting on the Ladies, where his Affairs lie ; among whkh thofe of greateft Concernment are Queftions and Commands, Purpofes, and other fuch received Forms of Wit and Converfation ; in which he is fo deeply fludied, that in all Queftions and Doubts, that arife, he is appealed to, and very learnedly declares, v/hich was the moft true and primitive Way of proceeding in the pureft Times. For thefe Virtues he never fails of his Summons to all Balls, where he manages the Country-Dances with fingular Judgment, and is frequently an Affiftant at L'hombre ; and thefe are all the Ufes they make of his Parts, belide the Sport they give themfelves in laughing at him, which he takes for fingular Favours, and interprets to his own Advantage, though it never goes further; for all his Employments being public, he is never admitted to any pri- vate Services, and they defpife him as not Wo- man's Meat: For he applies to too many to be trufted by any one; as Baftards by having many Fathers, have none at all. He goes often 160 AN AMORIST. mounted in a Coach as a Convoy, to guard the Ladies, to take the Duft in Hyde-Park ; where by his prudent Management of the Glafs Win- dows he fecures them from Beggars, and re- turns fraught with China-Oranges and Ballads. Thus he is but a Gentleman-Ufher General, and his Bufinefs is to carry one Lady's Services to another, and bring back the others in Ex- change. A N ASTRO LO GE R IS one that expounds upon the Planets, and teaches to conftrue the Occidents by the due joining of Stars in Conftriiflion. He talks with them by dumb Signs, and can tell what they mean by their twinckling, and fquinting upon one another, as well as they themfelves. He is a Spy upon the Stars, and can tell what they are doing, by the Company they keep, and the Houfes they frequent. They have no Power to do any Thing alone, until fo many meet, as will make a Quorum. He is Clerk of the Com- mittee to them, and draws up all their Orders, that concern either public or private Affairs. He keeps all their Accompts for them, and fums them up, not by Debtor, but Creditor alone, a more compendious Way. They do ill to make them have fo much Authority gver VOL. II. M 162 AN ASTROLOGER. the Earth, which, perhaps, has as much as any one of them but the Sun, and as much Right to fit and vote in their Councils, as any other : But becaufe there are but feven Electors of the German Empire, they will allow of no more to difpofe of all other ; and mod foolifhly and unnaturally depofe their own Parent of its Inheritance , rather than acknowledge a Defect in their own Rules. Thefe Rules are all they have to fhew for their Title j and yet not one of them can tell whether thofe they had them from came honeftly by them. FirgiFs Def- cription of Fame, that reaches from Earth to the Stars, tarn fifti pratique tenax, to carry Lies and Knavery, will ferve Ailrologers with- out any fenfible Variation. He is a Fortune- Seller, a Retailer of Deftiny, and petty Chap- man to the Planets. He cafts Nativities as Gameflers do faife Dice, and by flurring and palming fextile, quartile, and trine, like fize, quater, trois, can throw what chance he pleafes. He fets a Figure, as Cheats do a Main at Hazard j and Gulls throw away their Money at it. He fetches the Grounds of his Art fo far off, as well from Reafon, as the Stars, that, like a Traveller, he is allowed to lye by Au- AN ASTROLOGER. 163 fhority. And as Beggars, that have no Money themfelves, believe all others have, and beg of thofe, that have as little as themfelves : So the ignorant Rabble believe in him, though he has no more Reafon for what he profefles, than they. M 2 f '64 ] W Y E R T S a Retailer of Juftice, that ufes falfe Lights, * falfe Weights, and falfe Meafures He meafures Right and Wrong by his retaining Fee, and, like a French Dueliir, engages on that Side that firfl befpeaks him, tho' it be againffc his own Brother, not becaufe it is right, but merely upon a Punctilio of Profit, which is better than Honour to him, becaufe Riches will buy Nobility, and Nobility nothing, as having no intrinfic Value. He fells his Opi- nion, and engages to maintain the Title againfr, all that claim under him, but no further. He puts it off upon his Word, which he believes himfelf not bound to make good, becaufe when he has parted with his Right to it, it is no lon- ger his. He keeps no Juftice for his own Ufe, The Severity and Bitternefs of this Chara&er, and the Verfes that follow, may be accounted for, and in fome Sort e \cufed by a Cir- cumftance related in the 'Author's Life; viz. that he loft moil of his A L A W Y E R. 165 as being a Commodity of his own Growth, which he never buys, but only fells to others : and as no Man goes worfe fhod than tfre Shoe- maker ; fo no Man is more out of Juftice than he that gets his Living by it. He draws Bills, as Children do Lots at a Lottery, and is paid as much for Blanks as Prizes. He undoes a Man with the fame Privilege as a Doctor kills him, and is paid as well for it, as if he prefer ved him, in which he is very impartial, but in no- thing elfe. He believes it no Fault in himfelf to err in Judgment, becaufe that part of the Law belongs to the Judge, and not. to him. His befl Opinions and his word are all of a Price, like good Wine and bad in a Tavern, in which he does not deal fo fairly as thofe, who, if they know what you are willing to beftow, can tell how to fit you accordingly. When his Law lies upon his Hands, he will afford a good Penyworth, and rather pettyfog and turn common Barreter, than be out of Employment. His Opinion is one Thing while it is his own, and another when it is paid for j for the Property being altered, the Wife's Fortune, which was confiderable, by its being put out on ill Securities, owing probably to the Unfkilfulnefs or Rogaery of fome Lawyer. M 3 166 A LAWYER. Cafe alters alfo. When his Council is not for his Client's Turn, he will never take it back again, though it be never the worfe, nor allow him any Thing for it, yet will fell the fame over and over again to as many as come to him for it. His Pride encreafes with his Practice, and the fuller of Bufmefs he is, like a Sack, the bigger he looks. He crouds to the Bar like a Pig through a Hedge ; and his Gown is fortified with Flankers about the Shoulders, to guard his Ears from being galled with Elbows. He draws his Bills more extravagant and uncon- fcionable than a Taylor ; for if you cut off two thirds in the Beginning, Middle, or End, that which is left will be more reafonable and nearer to Senfe than the whole, and yet he is paid for all : For when he draws up a Bufmefs, like a Captain that makes falfe Mutters, he produces as many loofe and idle Words as he can pofiibly come by, until he has received for them, and then turns them off, and retains only thofe that are to the Purpofe This he calls drawing of Breviates. All that appears of his Studies is in iliort Time converted into Wade-Paper, Taylor's Meafures, and Heads for Children's Drums. He appears very vio- lent againfl the other Side, and rails to pleafe A L A W Y E R. 167 his Client, as they do Children, give me a Blow and Tlljlrike him, ah naughty, &c. This makes him feem very zealous for the good of his Client, and, though the Caufe go againft him, he lofes no Credit by it, efpecially if he fall foul on the Council of the other Side, which goes for no more among them than it does with thofe virtuous Perfons, that quarrel and fight in the Streets, to pick the Pockets of thofe that look on. He hangs Men's Eflates and For- tunes on the flighteft Curiofities and feebleft Niceties imaginable, and undoes them like the Story of breaking a Horfe's Back with a Fea- ther, or finking a Ship with a fingle Drop of Water j as if Right and Wrong were only no- tional, and had no Relation at all to practice (which always requires more folid Foundations) or Reafon and Truth did wholly confift in the right Spelling of Letters, when, as the fub- tler Things are, the nearer they are to nothing $ fo the fubtler Words and Notions are, the nearer they are to Nonfenfe. He overruns La- tin and French with greater Barbarifm, than the Goths did Italy and France, and makes as mad a Confufion of Language by mixing both with Englljh. Nor. does he ufe EngKfh much M 4 J68 A L A W Y E R. better, for he clogs it fo with Words, that the Senfe becomes as thick as Puddle, and is utterly loft to thole, that have not the Trick of fkip- ping over, where it is impertinent. He has but one Termination for all Latin Words, and that's a Dafh. He is very juft to the firft Syllables of Words, but always bobtails the laft, in which the Senfe moil of all confifts, like a Cheat, that does a Man all Right at the firft, that he may put a Trick upon him in the End. He is an Apprentice to the Law without a Maf- ter, is his own Pupil, and has no Tutor but himfelf, that is a Fool. He will fcrew and \vreft L/aw as unmercifully as a Tumbler does his Body, to lick up Money with his Tongue. He is a Swifs y that profeffes mercenary Arms, will fight for him, that gives him befl Pay, and, like an Italian Bravo, will fall foul on any Man's Reputation, that he receives a retaining Fee againft. If he could but maintain his Opinions as well as they do him, he were a very ]uftand righteous Man jbut when he has made his moft of it, he leaves it, like his Client, to fhift for itfelf. He fetches Money out of his Throat, like a Jugler : and as the Rabble in the Country value Gentlemen by their Houfe- {ceeping and their Eatirg j fo is he fuppofed to A L A W Y E R. 169 have fo much Law as he has kept Commons, and the abler to deal with Clients by how much the more he has devoured of Inm o Court Mut- ton j and it matters not, whether he keep his Study, To he has but kept Commons. He never ends a Suit, but prunes it, that it may- grow the fafter, and yield a greater Increafe of Strife. The Wifdom of the Law is to admit of all the petty, mean, real Injuftices in the World, to avoid imaginary poffible great ones, that may perhaps fall out. His Client finds the Scripture fulfilled in him, that // is better to fart 'with a Coat too, than go to Law for a Cloke ; for as the bejl Laws are made of the worft Man- ners, even fo are the befl Lawyers of the woril Men. He humms about WeftminJler-Hall, and returns Home with his Pockets, like a Bee with his Thighs laden j and that which Horace fays of an Ant, Ore trabit quodcunque pofeft y atque addit accrvo, is true of him ; for he ga- thers ail his Heap with the Labour of his Mouth, rather than his Brain and Hands. He values himfelf, as a Carman does his Horfe, by the Money he gets, and looks down upon all that gain iefs as Scoundrels. The Law is like that double-formed ill-begotten Moniler, i/o A L A W Y E R. that was kept in an intricate Labyrinth, and fed with Men's Flefh ; for it devours all that come within the Mazes of it, and have not a Clue to find the Way out again. He has as little Kindnefs for the Statute Law, as Catholics have for the Scripture, but adores the common Law as they do Tradition, and both for the very fame Reafon : For the ftatute Law being certain, written and defigned to reform and prevent Corruptions and Abufes in the Affairs of the World (as the Scriptures are in Matters of Religion) he finds it many Times a great Obftruction to the Advantage and Profit of his Practice j whereas the common Law being un- written, or written in an unknown Language, which very few underftand but himfelf, is the more pliable and eafy to ferve all his Purpofes, being utterly expofed to what Interpretation and Conftruclion his Intereft and Occafions fhall at any Time incline him to give it j and differs only from arbitrary Power in this, that the one gives no Account of itfelf at all, and the other fuch a one as is perhaps worfe than none, that is implicit, and not to be under- Mav Varleti be your Barbers] The Word Varlet, Sutler ufes in another Place for a Eum-bailif, in which knie it muit be here taken ; A L A W Y E R. 171 flood, or fubjecl: to what Conftruftion he pleafes to put upon it. Great Critics in a noverint tmiwrfi, Know all Men by ihefe Prefents how to curfe ye ; Pedants of [aid andforejaid, and both Frenches Pedlars, and Pokie, may thofe rev Vend Benches Y' afpire to be the Stocks, and may ye be No more cali'd to the Bar, but Pillory ; Thither in Triumph may ye backward ride, To have your Ears rnoft juftly crucify 'd, And cut fo clofe, until there be not Leather Enough to (lick a Pen in kft of either j Then will your Confciences, your Ears, and Wit Be like Indentures Tripartite cut fit: May your Horns multiply, and grow as great As that which does blow Grace before your Meat : May Varlets be your Barbers now, and do The fame to you, they have been done unto ; That's Law and Gofpel too, may it prove true, Then they fhall do Pump-Juuice upon you ; ' And when y' are fhav'd and powder'd you fliall fall Thrown o'er the Bar, as they did o'er the Wall, though I don't find, that our Diftionary-writers ever give it that 172 A L A W Y E R. Never to rife again, unlefs it be To hold your Hands up for your Roguery ; And when you do fo, may they be no lefs Sear'd by the Hangman, than your Confciences : May your Gowns fwarm, until you can deter- mine The Strife no more between yourfelves and Vermin, Than you have done between your Clients purfes- Now kneel, and take the laft and worfe of curfes May you be honeft y when it is too late, That is, undone the only Way you hate. [ 173 ] A N HERALD CALLS himfelf a King, becaufe he has Power and Authority to hang, draw, and quarter Arms-; for afluming a Juri{dic~tion over the diftributive Juftice of Titles of Honour, as far as Words extend, he gives himfelf as great a Latitude that Way, as other Magiftrates ufe to do, where they have Authority, and would enlarge it as far as they can. 'Tis true he can make no Lords nor Knights of himfelf, but as many Squires and Gentlemen as he pleafes, and adopt them into what Family they have a Mind. His Dominions abound with all Sorts of Cattle, Fifli, and Fowl, and all manner of Manufactures, befides whole Fields of Gold and Silver, which he magnificently bellows upon his Followers, or fells as cheap as Lands in Jamaica- The Language they ufe is barba- rous, as being but a Dialect of Pedlar's French, 4 i 7 4 A N H E R A L D. or the Mgypftan, though of a loftier Sound, and in the Propriety affecting Brevity, as the other does Verbofity. His Bufmefs is like that of all the Schools, to make plain Things hard with perplexed Methods and infignificant Terms, and then appear learned in making them plain again. He profefies Arms not for ufe, but Ornament only, and yet makes the bafefl Things in the World, as Dogs-Turds and Women's Spindles, Weapons of good and \vorihipful Bearings. He is wifer than the Fel- low that fold his Afs, but kept the Shadow for his own Ufe ; for he fells only the Shadow (that is the Picture) and keeps the Afs himfelf. He makes Pedigrees as 'Pothecaries do Medi- cines, when they put in one Ingredient for another that they have not by them : by this means he often makes inceftuous Matches, and caufes the Son to marry the Mother. His chief, Province is at Funerals, where he commands in chief, marfhals the- triflitite irrit l amenta ', and like a Gentleman-Sewer to the Worms ferves up the Feaft with all punctual Formality. He will join as many Shields together as would make a Roman Teftudo, or Macedonian Phalanx, to fortify the Nobility of a new made Lord, that will pay for the imprefting of them, aud A N H E R A L D. 175 allow him Coat and Conduct Money. He is a kind of a Necromancer, and can raife the Dead out of their Graves, to make them marry and beget thofe they never heard of in their Life-time. His Coat is like the King of Spams Dominions all Skirts ; and hangs as loofe about him ; and his Neck is the Wafte, like the Pic- ture of Nobody with his Breeches fattened to his Collar. He will fell the Head or a fingle Joint of a Beaft or Fowl as dear as the whole Body, like a Pig's Head in Bart/emew-Fair, and after put off the reft to his Cuftomers at the fame Rate. His Arms being utterly out of Ufe in War, fmce Guns came up, have been tranflated to Diflies and Cups, as the Ancients ufed their precious Stones according to the Poet Gemmas ad pocula transfert a Gladiis, &c. and fmce are like to decay every Day more and more ; for fmce he gave Citizens Coats of Arms, Gentlemen have made bold to take their Letters of Mark by way of Reprifal. The Hangman has a Receipt to mar all his Work in a Moment ; for by nailing the wrong End of a Scutcheon upwards upon a Gibbet, all the Honour ami Gentility extinguiihes of itfelf, like a Candle that's held with the Flame down- wards. Other Arms are made for the fpilling 5 176 AN HERALD. of Blood ; but his only purify and cleanfe it like Scurvy-grafs ; for a fmall Dofe taken by his Prefcription will refine that which is as bafe and grofs as Bull's Blood (which the Athe- nians ufed to poifon withal) to any Degree of Purity. LATITUDINARIAN GIVES himfelf the more Scope, becaufe he that has the largeft Confcience is moft like, in all Probability, to keep within Com- pafs of it : for one that is ftrait is uneafy, apt to pinch, and will not do half the Service that a wider will endure. He does not greatly care to live within the Pale of the Church, but had rather have the Church live within his Pale. He believes the Way to Heaven is never the better for being flrait, and if it could be made wider it would be much more convenient ; for there being fo many that un- dertake that Journey, how few foever arrive at the End of it, they mufl of Neceffity juftle, croud and fall foul upon one another, as we find they do, and therefore he thinks it befr, both for himfelf and the Eafe of his Fellow- Travellers, to get out of the common Road, VOL. II.. N I 7 3 A LATITUDINARIAN. and leave the more Room for thofe that can- not leap Ditches, and if they could, when they are once out, do not know how to get in again fo well as he does. He is but a Kind of a modeft Ranter, that believes Cbriftian Liberty and natural Liberty may very well confift toge- ther ; for being Things of the fame Kind there can be no poflible Difference between them, but only in Degreee, which can never caufe the one to deftroy the other ; and natural Liberty being of the elder Houfe, if there be any Precedency, ought to have a Right to it. He believes Obedience is nothing but a civil Com- placence, that obliges a Man no further than faying lam your bumble Servant-, and that Uniformity is too like a Thing made and com- plotted to be true. He believes Laws are made to punifh thofe only, that do not underfland how to break them difcreetly, and to do no Man right, that has not Money or Intereft to compel them to it ; that like foolifh Magif- trates require Refpecl: in public, but will endure all Manner of Affronts in private, efpecially among Friends. MATHEMATICIAN SHEWS as many Tricks on the Outfide of Body, as Philofophers do on the Infide of it, and for the moft Part to as little Purpofe. the only Difference is, that the one begins in Nonfenfe and ends in Senfe, -and the other: quite contrary begins in Senfe and ends in Non- fenfe i For the Mathematician begins with Body abftrac~r, which was never found in Na- ture, and yet afterwards traces it to that which is real and practical j and the Philofopher be- gins with Body as it is really in Nature, and afterwards wears it away with much handling into thin Subtilties that are merely notional* The Philofopher will not endure to hear of Body without Quantity, and yet afterwards gives it over, and has no Confideration of it any further : And the Mathematician will allow N a 180 A MATHEMATICIAN. of Being without Quantity, and yet afterwards confiders nothing elfe but Quantity. All the Figures he draws are no better, for the moft Part, than thofe in Rhetoric, that ferve only to call certain Rotines and Manners of Speech by infignificant Names, but teach nothing. His Art is only inftrumental, and like others of the fame Kind, when it outgrows its Ufe be- comes merely a Curiofity j and the more it is fo, the more impertinent it proves ; for Curia- fities are impertinent to all Men but the Cu- rious, and they to all the reft of the World. His Forefathers pall among the Ancients for Conjurers, and carried the Credit of all In- ventions, becaufe they had the Luck to ftand by when they were found out, and cry'd halfs curs. For though the Mechanics have found out more excellent Things, than they have Wit enough to give names to, (though the greateft Part of their Wit Iks that Way) yet they will boldly afTume the Reputation of all to them- felves, though they had no Relation at all to the Inventions ; as great Perfons ufe to claim kindred (though they cannot tell how it comes about) with their Inferiors when they thrive in the World. For certainly Geometry has no more right to lay Claim to the Inventions of A MATHEiMATICIAN. 181 the Mechanics than Grammar has to the ori- ginal of Language, that was in Ufe long be- fore it ; and when that Ufe and Cuftom had prevailed, fome Men by obferving the Con- rlruclion, Frame, and Relations that Words have to one another in Speech drew them into Rules, and of thefe afterwards made an Art ; and juft fo and no more did Geometry by the Dimenfions, Figures, and Proportions of Things that were done long before it was in being ; nor does the prefent Ufe of one or the other extend further than this, to teach Men to Ipeak, and write, and proportion things regu- larly, but not to contrive or defign at all. Ma- thematicians are the fame Things to Mechanics, as Markers in Tennis Courts are to Gamefters and they that afcribe all Inventions to Mathe- matics are as wife as thofe that fay, no Man can play well that is not a good Marker ; as if all the Skill of a Goldfmith lay in his Balance, or a Draper in his Yard ; or that no Man can play on a Lute that is not a good Fiddle-Ma^ Jeer. When his Art was in its Infancy, and had by Obfervation found out the Courfe of the N 3 x82 A MATHEMATICIAN. Sun and Moon and their Eclipfes (though im* perfectly) and could predict them, which the reft of the World were ignorant of, he went further, and would undertake upon that Ac- count to foretel any Thing, as Liars that will make one Truth make Way for a hundred Lies, He believes his Art, or rather Science, to be wholly practical, when the greateft Part of it, and as he believes the befr, is merely contem- plative, and pafTes only among Friends to the Mathematics and no further, for which they flatter and applaud one another mort virtuoufly. t '83 ] A N EP I GR AMM ATIST T S a Poet of fmall Wares, whofe Mufe is * fhort-winded, and quickly out of Breath. She flies like a Goofe, that is no fooner upon the Wing, but down again. He was originally one of thofe Authors, that ufed to write upon white Walls, from whence his Works being collected and put together pafs in the World, like fingle Money among thofe that deal in fmall Matters. His Wit is like Fire in a Flint, that is nothing while it is in, and nothing again as foon as it is out. He treats of all Things and Perfons that come in his Way, but like one that draws in little, much lefs than the Life. His Emnefs is inveigh and flatter Like parcel Parafite and Satyr* N 4 184 AN EPIGRAMMATIST. He is a Kind of Vagabond Writer, that is never out of his Way ; for nothing is befide the Purpofe with him, that propofes none at all. His Works are like a running Banquet, that have much Variety but little of a Sort ; for he deals in nothing but Scraps and Parcels like a Taylor's Broker. He does not write, but fet his Mark upon Things, and gives no Ac- compt in Words at length, but only in Figures. All his Wit reaches but to four Lines, or fix at the moil: j and if he ever, venture further it tires immediately like a Poil-Horfe, that will go no further than his wonted Stages. No- thing agrees fo naturally with his Fancy as Bawdery, which he difpenfes in frriall Pittances to continue his Reader ftill in an Appetite for more. VIRTUOSO IS a Well-wilier to the Mathematics He perfnes Knowledge rather out of Humour than Ingenuity, and endeavours rather to feem, than to be. He has nothing of Nature but an Inclination, which , he ftrives to improve with Induftry j but as no Art can make a Fountain run higher than its own Head ; fo nothing can 'raife him above the Elevation of his own Pole. He feldom converfes but with Men of his own Tendency, and wherefoever he comes treats with all Men as fuch, for as Country-Gentlemen ufe to talk of their Dogs to thofe that hate Hunt- ing, becaufe they love it themfelves ; fo will he of his Arts and Sciences to thofe that neither know, nor care to know any Thing of them. His Induftry were admirable, if it did not at- tempt the greateft Difficulties with the feebleft Means : for he commonly flights any Thing that is plain and eafy, how ufeful and ingenious 8 i86 A V I R T U O S O. foever, and bends all his Forces againft the hardeft and moft improbable, tho' to no Pur- pofe if attained to; for neither knowing how to meafure his own Abilities, nor the Weight of what he attempts, he fpends his little Strength in vain, and grows only weaker by it And as Men ufe to blind Horfes that draw in a Mill, his Ignorance of himfelf and his Undertakings makes him believe he has ad- vanced, when he is no nearer to his End than when he fet out mil. The Bravery of Difficul- ties does fo dazzle his Eyes, that he profecutes them with as little Succefs, as the Taylor did his Amours to Queen Elizabeth. He differs from i Pedant, as Things do from Words; for he ufes the fame Affeclation in his Operations and Experiments, as the other does in Lan- guage. He is a Haberdaiher of fmall Arts and Sciences, and deals in as many feveral Ope- rations as a baby-Artificer does in Engines. He will ferve well enough for an Index, to tell what is handled in the World, but no further. He is wonderfully delighted with Rarities, and they continue itill fo to him, though he has fliown them a thoufand Times -, for every new Admirer, that gapes upon them, fets him a gaping too. Next thefe he loves flrange na- A VIRTUOSO. 187 tural Hiftories ; and as thofe, that read Ro- mances, though they know them to be Fictions, are as much affected as if they were true, fo is he, and will make hard Shift to tempt himfelf to believe them firfr to be poffible, and then he's fure to believe them to be true, forgetting that Belief upon Belief is falfe Heraldry. He keeps a Catalogue of the Names of all famous Men in any Profeflion, whom he often takes Occafion to mention as his very good Friends, and old Acquaintances. Nothing is more pe- dantic than to feem too much concerned about Wit or Knowledge, to talk much of it, and appear too critical in it. All he can poffibly arrive to is but like the Monkies dancing on the Rope, to make Men wonder^ how 'tis pof- fible for Art to put Nature fo much out of her Play. His Learning is like thofe Letters on a Coach, where many being writ together no one appears plain. When the King hap- pens to be at the Univerfity, and Degrees run like Wine in Conduits at public Triumphs, he- is fure to have his Share ; and though he be as free to chufe his Learning as his Faculty, yet like St. Auftin$ Soul creando infunditur, in- *8S A V I R T U O S O. fundendo creatur. Nero was the firfl Emperour of his Calling, tho* it be not much for his Credit. Ke is like an Elephant that, though he cannot fwim, yet of all Creatures moft delights to walk along a River's Side j and as in Law, Things that appear not, and things that are not, are all one j fo he had rather not be than not appear. The Top of his Ambition is to have his Picture graved in Brafs, and publiflv ed upon Walls, if he has no Work of his own to face with it. His want of Judgment in- clines him naturally to the moft extravagant Undertakings, like that of making old Dogs young, telling how many Perfotis there are in a Room by knocking at a Door, flopping up of Words in Bottles, &c. He is like his Books, that con- tain much Knowledge, but know nothing themfelves. He is but an Index of Things, and Words, that can direct where they are to be fpoken with, but no further. He appears a great Man among the ignorant, and like a Figure in Arithmetic, is fo much the more, as it ftands before Ciphers that are nothing of themfeives. He calls himfelf an Antifocordifl a Name unknown to former Ages, but fpawn- ed by the Pedantry of the prefent. He de- lights moft in attempting Things beyond his, A VIRTUOSO. 189 Reach, and the greater Diflance he {hoots at, the further he is fure to be off his Mark. He fhows his Parts, as Drawers do a Room at a Tavern, to entertain them at the Expence of their Time and Patience. He inverts the Mo- ral of that Fable of him, that carefled his Dog for fawning and leaping up upon him, and beat his Afs for doing the fame Thing ; for it is all one to him, whether he be applauded by an Afs, or a wifer Creature, fo he be but ap- plauded. i 9 o A JUSTICE O F PEACE IS one that has a Patent for his Wit, and underilands by CommhTion, in which his Wife and his Clerk are of the Quorum. He is Judge of the Peace, but has nothing to do with it until it is broken ; and then his Bufi- nefs is to patch it up again. His Occupation is to keep the Peace, but he makes it keep him and lives upon the Scraps of it, as thofe he commits do on the common Bafkek The Conftable is his Factor, and the Jaylor the Keeper of his Warehoufe, and Rogues, Bawds, and Thieves his Goods. He calls taking of Many Strokes in this Charader the Reader may find in thaf which Butler has drawn of his Counfellor and Juftice in Hudibras P. 3- C. 3. A J U S T I C E. 191 Pigs and Capons taking of Bail j and they pa(s with him for Jubftantial Houfe-keepers. Of thcfe he takes Security, ' that the Delinquent fliall anfwer it before the Seffions, that is before the Court fits next, otherwife Forfeiture of Recog- nizance is fure to rife up in Judgment. He binds Men over, as Highwaymen do, to unty their Purfes, and then leaves them to unbind themfelves again, or rather as Surgeons do r to let their Purfes Blood. He makes his CommiffioiL a Patent, that no Man fhall let- up any Sin without Licence from him. He knows no Virtue, but that of his CommifTion, for all his Bufmefs is with Vice, in which he is fo expert, that he can commit one Sin inftead of another, as Bribery for Baivdery, and Perjury for Breach of the Peace. He ufes great Care and Mode- ration in puniihing thofe, that offend regularly, by their Calling, as residentiary Bawds, and incumbent Pimps, that pay Parifh Duties Shopkeepers, that ufe conftant falfe Weights and Meafures, thefe he rather prunes, that they may grow the better, than difables ; but is very fevere to Hawkers and Interlopers, that com- mit Iniquity on the Bye. He interprets the Statutes, as Fanatics do the Scripture, by his own Spirit ; and is moft expert in the Cafes of A J U S T I C light Bread, Highways, and getting of Baf- tards. His whole Authority is like a Weljh- Hook , for his Warrant is a Puller to her, and his Mittimus a thruft-her from her. He examines bawdy Circumftances with fingular Attention, and files them up for the Entertainment of his Friends, and Improvement of the Wit of the Family. Whatfoever he is elfe, he is fure to be a Squire, and bears Arms the firft Day he bears Office -, and has a more indubitate and apparent Title to worfoip, than any other Per- fon. If he be of the long Robe he is more bufy and pragmatical on the Bench, than a fe- cular Juflice ; and at the Seflions, by his Pre- rogative, gives the Charge, which puts him to the Expence of three Latin Sentences, and as ' many Texts of Scripture ; the reft is all of Courfe. He fells good Behaviour, and makes thofe, that never had any, buy it of him at fo much a Dofe, which they are bound to take off in fix Months or longer, as their Occafions require. He is apt to miflake the Senfe of the Law, as when he fent a zealous Botcher to Prifon for fewing Sedition, and committed a Mountebank for raifing the Market, becaufe he fet up his Bank in it. Much of his Bufmefs and Ability confifls in the diftributive Juflice O F P E A C E. 193 of difpofing of Baflards, before they are born, to the right Proprietors, that no Parifh may be wronged, and forced to pay for more Fornica- tion, than they have had Occafion for. Next this he does his Country fignal Service in the judicious and mature Legitimation of tipling Houfes, that the Subject be not impofed upon with illegal and arbitrary Ale. At the Seffions his Recognifances appear, or hide their Heads, according as his Wife and Clerk have found the Bill i for Delinquents, like Aldermen, that fine for't, are excufed, otherwife they muft fland and bear Office in the Court, tho' it be but to be whipped, or fet in the Pillory. If he be of the Quorum he is a double Juftice, and ought, like a double Jngg, to hold as much as two fimple ones ; but if he hap to be empty and out of Juflice in any Bufmefs, he is not at Home ; or not at Leifure, and fo the Matter is tranfmitted to the next in Capacity. His Con- fcience is never troubled for his own Sins, ef- pecially thofe of Commiffion (which he takes to be but the Privilege of his Place) for he finds it is Bufmefs enough for one Man, to have to do with thofe of others. VOL. II. O t '94 I A FANATIC. QAINTP^/was thought by Feflus to be ^ mad with too much Learning ; but the Fanatics of our Times are mad with too little. He choofes himfelf one of the Elett, and packs Committee of his own Party to judge the twelve Tribes of Ifrael. The Apoftlcs in the primitive Church worked Miracles to confirm and propagate their Doctrine j but he thinks to confirm his by working at his Trade. He aflumes a Privilege to imprefs what Text of Scripture he pleafes for his own Ufe, and leaves thofe that make againft him for the Ufe of the Wicked. His Religion, that tends only to Fac- tion and Sedition, is neither fit for Peace nor War, but Times of a Condition between both; like the Sails of a Ship, that will not endure a a Storm, and are of no Ufe at all in a Calm. He believes it has enough of the primitive Chriftian, if it be but perfecuted as that was, A F A N A T I C. 195 no Matter for the Piety or Doctrine of it j as if there were nothing required to prove the Truth of a Religion but the Punimment of the ProfefTors of it ; like the old Mathemati- cians, that were never believed to be profoundly knowing in their Profefiion, until they had run through all Punifhments, and juft Tcaped the Fork. He is all for fuffering for Religion, but nothing for acling ; for he accounts good Works no better than Encroachments upon the Merits of free believing, and a good Life the mofl troublefome and unthrifty Way to Hea- ven. He canonizes himfelf a Saint in his own Life-time, as the more fure and certain Way and lefs troublefome to others. He outgrows Ordinances, as a 'Prentice that has ferved out his Time does his Indentures, and being a Freeman fuppofes himfelf at Liberty to fet up what Religion he pleafes. He calls his own fuppofed Abilities Gifts, and difpofes of him- felf like a Foundation defigned to pious Ufes, although, like others of the fame Kind, they are always diverted to other Purpofes, fJe owes all his Gifts to his Ignorance, as Beggars do the Alms they receive' to their Poverty. They are fuch as the Fairies are faid to drop in O 2 196 A F A N A T I G. Men's Shoes, and when they are difcovered to give them over and confer no more ; for when his Gifts are difcovered they vanifh, and come to nothing. He is but a Puppet Saint, that moves he knows not how, and his Ignorance is the dull leaden Weight that puts all his Parts in Motion. His outward Man is a Saint, and his inward Man a Reprobate ; for he carries his Vices in his Heart, and his Religion in his Face. [ 197 A N INTELLIGENCER WOULD give a Peny for any Stated man's Thought at any Time. He tra- vels abroad to guefs what Princes are defigning by feeing them at Church or Dinner j and will undertake to unriddle a Government at firfl Sight, and tell what Plots me goes with, male or female ; and difcover, like a Mountebank, only by feeing the public Face of Affairs, what private Marks there are in the moft fecret Parts of the Body politic. He is fo ready at Reafons of State, that he has them, like a Lef- fon, by Rote : but as Charlatans make Difeafes fit their Medicines, and not their Medicines Difeafes j fo he makes all public Affairs conform to his own eftablifhed Reafon of State, and not his Reafon, though the Cafe alter ever fo much, comply with them. He thinks to obtain a great Infight into State-Affairs by obferving O 198 AN INTELLIGENCER. only the outfide Pretences and Appearances of Things, which are feldom or never true ; and may be refolved feveral Ways all equally pro- bable i and therefore his Penetrations into thefe Matters are like the Penetrations of Cold into natural Bodies, without any Senfe of it- felf, or the Thing it works upon For all his Difcoveries in the End amount only to Entries and Equipages, Addrefies, Audiences, and Vi- fits, with other fuch politic Speculations, as the Rabble in the Streets is wont to entertain itfelf withal. Neverthelefs he is very cautious not to omit his Cipher, though he writes nothing but what every one does, or may fafely know j for otherwife it would appear to be no Secret. He endeavours to reduce all his Politics into Maxims, as being moft eafily portable for a travelling Head, though, as they are for the moft Part of flight Matters, they are but, like Spirits drawn out of Water, infipid and good for nothing. His Letters are a Kind of Bills of Exchange, in which he draws News and Politics upon all his Correfpondents, who place it to Accompt, and draw it back again upon him -, and though it be falfe, neither cheats the other, for it paries between both for good and fufficient Pay. If he drives an inland Trade, AN INTELLIGENCER. he is Fac~lor to certain remote Country Virtuofosy who finding themfelves unfatisfied with the Brevity of the Gazette defire to have Exceedings of News, befides their ordinary Commons. To furnifh thofe he frequents Clubs and Coffee- Houfes* the Markets of News, where he en- groffes all he can light upon } and, if that do not prove fufficient, he is forced to add a Lye or two of his own making, which does him double Service ; for it does not only fupply his Occafions for the prefent, but furnifhes him with Matter to fill up Gaps the next Letter with retracting what he wrote before, and in the mean- time has ferved for as good News as the beft -, and, when the Novelty is over it is no Matter what becomes of it, for he is better paid for it than if it were true* o 4- [ 2OO ] A PROSELITE. APriefl: ftole him out of the Craddle, like the Fairies, and left a Fool and Changeling in his Place. He new dyes his Religion, and commonly into a fadder and darker Colour than it was before. He gives his Opinion the So- mer-Salt, and turns the wrong Side of it out- wards. He does not mend his Manners, but botch them with Patches of another Stuff and Colour. Change of Religion being for the moil Part ufed by thofe, who underftand not why one Religion is better than another, is like changing of Money two Sixpences for a Shil- ling ; both are of equal Value, but the Change is for Convenience or Humour. There is no- thing more difficult than a Change of Religion for the better ; for as all Alterations in Judg- ment are derived from a precedent confeft Er- ror, that Error is more probably like to pro- A P R O S E L I T E. 201 duce another, than any Thing of fo different a Nature as Truth. He impofes upon himfelf in believing the Infirmity of his Nature to be the Strength of his Judgment, and thinks he changes his Religion when he changes himfelf, and turns as naturally from one thing to ano- ther, as a Maggot does to a Fly. He is a Kind of Freebooty and Plunder, or one Head of Cattle driven by the Priefts of one Religion out of the Quarters of another j and they value him above two of their own : for befide the Glory of the Exploit they have a better Title to him, (as he that is conquered is more in the Power of him that fubdued him, than he that was born his Subject) and they expect a freer Submiilion from one that takes Quarter, than from thofe that were under Command be- fore. His Weaknefs, or Ignorance, or both, are commonly the chief Caufes of his Con- verfion ; for if he be a Man of a Profeffion, that has no Hopes to thrive upon the Acconipt of mere Merit, he has no Way fo eafy and certain, as to betake himfelf to fome forbidden Church, where, for the common Caufe's Sake, he finds fo much brotherly Love and Kindnefs, that they will rather employ him than one of another Perfuafion though more Ikilfulj and 202 APROSELITE. he gains by turning and winding his Religion as Tradefmen do by their Stocks. The Prieft has commonly the very fame Defign upon him j for he that is not able to go to the Charges of his Converfion may live free enough from being attacked by any Side.' He was troubled with a Vertigo in his Confcience, and nothing but Change of Religion, like Change of Air, could cure him. He is like a Sick-man, that can neither lye (till in his Bed, nor turn himfelf but as he is helped by others. He is like a Revol- ter in an Army ; and as Men of Honour and Commanders feldom prove fuch, but com- mon Soldiers Men of mean Condition fre- quently to mend their Fortunes : So in Religion Clergymen, who are Commanders, feldom pre- vail upon one another, and, when they do, the Profelyte is ufuallyone, who had no Reputation among his own Party before, and after a little Trial finds as little among thofe, to whom he revolts. I ao 3 ] A OWN T S a Centaur, a Mixture of Man and Bead, * like a Monfter engendred by unnatural Co- pulation, a Crab engrafted on an Apple. He was neither made by Art, nor Nature, but in Spight of both, by evil Cuftom. His perpe- tual Converfation with Beafls has rendered him one of them, and he is among Men but a naturalized Brute. He appears by his Lan- guage, Genius and Behaviour to be an Alien to Mankind, a Foreigner to Humanity, and of fo oppoiite a Genius, that 'tis eafier to make a Spaniard a Frenchman > than to reduce him to Civility. He difdains every Man that he does not fear, and only refpecTis him, that has done him Hurt, or can do it. He is like Nebuchad- nezzar after he had been a Month at Grafs, but will never return to be a Man again as 204 A CLOWN. he did, if he might ; for he defpifes all Man- ner of Lives but his own, unlefs it be his Horfe's to whom he is but Valet de-Chambre. He never fhews himfelf humane or kind in any Thing, but when he pimps to his Cow, or makes a Match for his Mare j in all Things elfe he is furly and rugged, and does not love to be pleafed himfelf, which makes him hate thofe that do him any Good. He is a Stoic to all Paftions but Fear, Envy, and Ma- lice ; and hates to do any Good, though it coft him nothing. He abhors a Gentleman becaufe he is moft unlike himfelf, and re- pines as much at his Manner of Living, as if he maintained him. He murmurs at him as the Saints do at the Wicked, as if he kept his Right from him ; for he makes his Clown- ery a Se6t, and damns all that are net of his Church. He manures the Earth like a Dung- hill, but lets himfelf lye Fallow, for no Im- provement will do good upon him. Cain was the firft of his Family, and he does his Endea- vour not to degenerate from the original Chur- lifhnefs of his Anceftor. He that was fetched from the Plough to be made Dictator had not half his Pride and Infolence ; nor Caiiguhis A CLOWN. 205 Horfe, that was made Conful. All the worft Names that are given to Men are borrowed from him, as Villain, Deboyfe, Peafant, &c. He wears his Cloaths like a Hide, and mifts them no oftner than a Bead does his Hair. He is a Beaft, that Gefner never thought of. [ 206 ] U I B B L E R IS a Jugler of Words, that fhows Tricks with them, to make them appear what they were not meant for, and ferve two Senfes at once, like one that plays on two Jews Trumps. He is a Fencer of Language, that falfifies his Blow, and hits where he did not aim. He has a foolifh Slight of Wit, that catches at Words only, and lets the Senfe go, like the young Thief in the Farce, that took a Purfe, but gave the Owner his Money back again. He is fo well verfed in all Cafes of Quibble, that he knows when there will be a Blot upon a Word, as foon as it is out. He packs his Quibbles like a Stock of Cards, let him but fhuffle, and cut where you will, he will be fure to have it. He dances on a Rope of Sand, does the Somerfet, Strapado, and half-Jlrapado with Words, plays at all manner of Games A QJtf I B B L E R. 207 with Clinches, Carwickets, and Quibbles, and talks under-Leg. His Wit is left-handed, and therefore what others mean for right, he ap- prehends quite contrary. All his Conceptions are produced by equivocal Generation, which makes them juftly efteemed but Maggots. He rings the Changes upon Words, and is fo ex- pert, that he can tell at firft Sight, how- many Variations any Number of Words will bear. He talks with a Trilk, and gives his Words a double Relifh. He had rather have them bear two Senfes in vain and impertinent- ly, than one to the Purpofe, and never fpeaks without a Lere-Senfe, He talks nothing but Equivocation and mental Refervation, and mightily affects to give a Word a double Stroke, like a Tennis-Bali againft two Walls at one Blow, to defeat the Expectation of his An- tagonift. He commonly flurs every fourth or fifth Word, and feldom fails to throw Dou- blets. There are two Sorts of Quibbling, the one with Words, and the other with Senfe, like the Rhetoricians Figure Dittionis & Figure $ententi and like a Glafs receives readily any prefent Ob- ject, but takes no Notice of that which is paft, 220 A TIME-SERVER. or to come. He is always ready to become any Thing as the Times fhall pleafe to difpofe of him, but is really nothing of himfelf; for he that fails before every Wind can be bound for no Port. He accounts it Blafphemy to fpeak againft any Thing in prefent Vogue, how vain or ridiculous foever, and Arch-Herefy to ap- prove of any Thing, though ever fo good and wife, that is laid by ; and therefore cafts his Judgment and Understanding upon Occafion, as Bucks do their Horns, when the Seafon arrives to breed new againft the next, to be cart again. He is very zealous to fhew himfelf, upon all Occafions, a true Member of the Church for the Time being, that has not the leaft Scruple in his Confcience againft the Doc- trine or Difcipline of it, as it ftands at prefent, or lhall do hereafter, unfight unfeen : for he is refolved to be always for the Truth, which he believes is never fo plainly demonftrated as in that Character, that fays // is great and prevails, and in that Senfe only fit to be ad- hered to by a prudent Man, who will never be kinder to Truth than (he is to him ; for fuf- fering is a very evil EffcSt, and not like to pro- ceed from a good Cauje. He is a Man of a A T I M E-S E R V E R. 221 right public Spirit, for he refigns himfelf wholly to the Will and Pleafure of the Times ; and, like a zealous implicit Patriot, believes as the State believes, though he neither knows, nor cares to know, what that is. [ 222 ] RATER T S a common Nufance, and as great a Grie- * vance to thofe that come near him as a Pew- terer is to his Neighbours. His Difcourfe is like the braying of a Mortar, the more imper- tinent the more voluble and loud, as a Peflle makes more Noife when it is rung on the Sides of a mortar, than when it {lamps downright and hits upon the Bufmefs. A Dog that opens upon a wrong Scent will do it oftner than one that never opens but upon a right. He is as longwinded as a Ventiduct, that fills as fail as it empties, or a Trade-Wind, that blows one Way for half a Year together, and another as long, as if it drew in its Breath for fix Months, and blew it out again for fix more. He has no Mercy on any Mans Ears or Patience, that he can get within his Sphere of Activity, but tortures him, as they correct Boys in Scotland* by ilretching their Lugs without Remorfe. A PRATER. 223 He is like an Earwig, when he gets within a Man's Ear he is not eafily to be got out again. He will ftretch a Story as unmercifully as he does the Ears of thofe he tells it to, and draw it out in length like a Breaft of Mutton at the Hercules Pillars, or a Piece of Cloth fet on the Tenters, till it is quite fpoiled and good for nothing. If he be an Orator, that fpeaks diftintte et ornate^ though not apfj, he delivers his Circumftances with the fame mature De- liberation, that one that drinks with a Gufto fwallows his Wine, as if he were loth to part with it fooner than he muft of Neceflity ; or a Gamefter, that pulls the Cards that are dealt him one by one, to enjoy the Pleafure more diftinclry of feeing what Game he has in his Hand. He takes fo much Pleafure to hear himfelf fpeak, that he does not perceive with what Uneafmefs other Men endure him, though they exprefs it ever fo plainly ; for he is fo di- verted with his own Entertainment of himfelf, that he is not at Leifure to take Notice of any elfe. He is a Siren to himfelf, and has no Way to efcape Shipwreck but by having his Mouth ftoped, inftead of his Ears. He plays with his Tongue as a Cat does with her Tail, and is tranfported with the Delight he gives himfelf 224 A PRATER. of his own making. He underftands no Hap- pinefs like that of having an Opportunity to ihew his Abilities in public, and will venture to break his Neck to (hew the Activity of his Eloquence, for the Tongue is not only the isoorjl Part of a bad Servant, but of an ill Mailer, that does not know how to govern it ; for then it is like Gufmaus Wife, very headflrong and not Jure of Foot. A N HERMETIC PHILO SOPHER. HE is a Kind of Heclor in Learning, that thinks to maintain himfelf in Reputa- tion by picking Quarrels with his gentle Rea- ders, and compounding them to his own Ad- vantage ; as if he meant to baffle their Under- flandings, and fright them into a reverend Opinion of his great Abilities. He comes forth in public with bis concealed Truths, as he calls In Juftice to the author I muft declare, that this Charafter, though fairly copied out for the Prefs, is left by him without a Title ; and that that, which it now bears, is only added for the Sake of Uniformity. The Reader will from feveral Circumftances quickly perceive that the firft Part of it is perfonal ; and from the fame one may with a good deal of Certainty pronounce, that it was intended for the Author of a Book entituled MAGIA ADAMICA ; or the Antiquity of Magic, and its defcent from ADAM. With a Difcovery of the true Cesium Terne, or Magicians heavenly Chaos, and frjt Matter of all Things by T. W. Land. 1650. 12. The Book it- felf I have not been able- to get a Sight of; and I found my Con* jefture upon the Title, and what little Account Butler gives of it in his own Notes upon two Paflages in his Hudibras printed in 1674. II: 226 AN HERMETIC PHILOSOPHER. them, like one that had ftolen fomething under his Cloak j and being afraid to be flopped falls foul on any Man, that has the ill Hap to be in his Way : for if you diflike him it is at your own Peril, he is fure to put in a Caveat beforehand againft your Underftanding j and, like a Malefactor in Wit, is always furnifhed with Exceptions againft his Judges. This puts him upon perpetual Apologies, Excufes, and Defences, but ftill by Way of Defiance, in a Kind of whiffling Strain, without Regard of any Man, that he thinks will ftand in the Way of his Pageant. He fhews as little Refpect to Things as Perfons j for his conftant Method is to fhuffle Things of different Kinds together, like a Pack of Cards, and then deal them out as they happen. He pretends to contemn the prefent Age, and addrefs his Writings to Pofterity, to (hew, that he has a better Opinion of his own Prophefy, than the Knowledge of any Man now living ; and that he underftands ives th: Ptiigrte of Mag; c from Adam's firjl grein Britcbes^\ To the fame h alludes in the following Lines in Hudibras, in his Charafter of Ralpbo. For Myftlc Learning ivcndrous alle In Magic Talifman, and Cabal, Jf^hnfe primitive Tradition reaches At far as Adam's fi>-Jl green Breeche?. Bud. P. I. C.I. AN HERMETIC PHILOSOPHER. 227 more of the Ages to come, than this does of him. Next to Pofterity he is in love with An- tiquity, of which he feems to be fo fond, that he contemns Sefb's Pillars as modern, and de- rives the Pedigree of Magic from Adanis firft green Britches -, becaufe Fig-leaves being the firft Cloaths, that Mankind wore, were only ufed for Covering, and therefore are the mofl ancient Monuments of concealed Myfteries. He controuls his fellow Labourers in the Fire with as much Empire and Authority, as if he were fole Overfeer of the great Work> to which he lights his Reader like an ignis fafuiiSj which ufes to miflead Men into Sloughs and Ditches j for when he has mired him in the Chaos, and told him, that the Philofopher s Stone is Water, or a Powder, he leaves him in the Dark. With this Chaos he makes more Work, than the Fellow that interprets to the And upon this Paflage gives the following Note-" The AU- " thor ot Magia Adamica endeavours to prove the Learning of the " antient Magi to be derived from that Knowledge, which God " himfelf taught Adam in Paradife before the Fall. With this Chaos be makes more Work, than the Fel/o-iv that interprets to the Jheiu nf />.] This correfponds with what the Title of Magia. Adamica promifes of a Difcovery of the true Calum Terr*, or Ma- 228 AN HERMETIC PHILOSOPHER. fhow of it, and with no lefs Aftonifhment to the ignorant. Such of his learned Difcoveries, that fignify any Thing, though it be vulgar and common, he calls experimental truths, and thofe that mean nothing Myfteries, which with him is but another Word for Nonfenfe, though it be fupported, like Heraldry, with Eagles, Dragons, and Lions j but as the Poet obferves Gambits pigris, fcabieque vetujla Nomen erit Tigris, Leo^ Pardus, Jiquid adhuc fit Quod fr emit in lerris violentiw fo the Senfe of thefe terrible Terms is equally contemptible ; for a Maggot is of a higher Form in Nature than any Production of Me- tals. His War with the Schoolmen is not amifs, but he perfecutes it unmercifully, with- out giving Quarter ; though being a Writer of Fortune he might confider his own Intereir, gi clans heavenly Chros and firft Natter of all Things It agrees alfo with what Butler fays in Ralpho's, Character. The Chaos too be had defcrfd y Andfeen quite through, or elje he ly*d : Not that of Pajle- Board --which Men Jkew For Groats at Fair of Barthol' mew. Hud. P. i. C. t. ' This fliew of the Chaos was, I fancy, of the fame Sort with, thofe which we have now a-cWs of the ''Creation and Paradife, AN HERMETIC PHILOSOPHER. 229 and remember that they keep him in conftant Employment : for whenfoever he has Occafion to digrefs, that is to write more than fix Lines* if the Schoolmen, or the Chaos, or the great Work did not fupply him, according as he is difpofed either to rail or cant, I know not what would become of him. To this Canting he is fo constantly inclined, that he bellows no fmall Pains in devifing Nick-names for himfelf and his Patron, to whom he writes like one that whifpers aloud,, and fays that in his Ear, that is meant for the hearing of others. The Judgment of this Gentleman is his Privilege, and his Epiflles to him are like counterfeit PafTes, which he makes for himfelf, and be- lieves they will carry him through, though the Perfon be fo unknown, that nobody can guefs by his Account, whether he be his Tutor or his Pupil. Canilits pigr'is t fcabieque 'vetujla. Nomen erit, &c.] As Sutler for Brevity's Sake has given this Paffage from Juvenal imperfeft, which renders it obfcure and a little faulty in Point of Grammar, it may not be improper to tranfcribe from the Original. Canllus pigris, fcabieque i:tibus ora Lucernt a Stygian Pug Fib* Garb and Habit cf a Dog. " Cornelius Agrlppa (fays he) had a Dog, that was fufpedled to " be a Spirit, for fome Tricks he was wont to do, beyond the " Capacity of a Dog, as it was thought ; but the Author of Ma- " gia Adamica has taken a great deal of Pains to vindicate both the " Doftor and the Dog from that Afperfion, in which he has mewn, " a very great Refpecl and Kindnefs for them both." Who in his Preface to Lully's Ars Irevis profe/es, &c.] The Paragraphs referred to are thefe " Ea autem eft Ars inventiva " Raymundi Lullii, cujusea Dignitas eft ac Praecellentia, ea Gene- ralitas ac Certitudo, ut fe fola fuificiente, nulla alia Scientia AN HERMETIC PHILOSOPHER. 233 in all Sorts of Learning with the moil profound Doctors in Europe. He adores the Brethren of the Rofy-Crofs as the only Owls of Athens that can fee in the Dark ; and wonders at them, like one of the Rabble of Birds Thefe are a Kind of Phih- fophers Errant* that wander up and down upon Adventures, and have an enchanted Cattle, invifible to all but themfelves, to which they are bound by their Order to repair at certain Seafons. In this Tabernacle refts the Body of their Prophet or Founder, who dying, as they affirm, hid himfelf in a Kind of invifible Oven, where after an hundred Years he was prafuppofita, non ullo indigens forinfeco juvamine, infallibilitcr cum omni fccuritate ac certitudine, errore omni femoto, de omni re fcibili Veritatem ac Scientiam fine Difficukate et Lahore invenire nos faciat Ea infuper hujus Sciential eft Promptitude et Facilitas, ut etiam Pueri impuberes, hac Arte freti, in omnibus ferme facultatibus dodle diflerere poffint : multi etiam, qui in e\'trema Sene&ute fe ad Literas contulere, hac arte paucis Men- fibus in Viros doftiffimos evafere." He adores the Brethren of tbi Rofy-Crofs, &c.] The Character, which has fo far been perfonal, is now extended to a general one of the Roficrucians. To enter into a particular Explication of all that our Author futiricaliy obferves of their Tenets would be both tedious and unjuft to the Reader ; and therefore I mall only in ge- neral refer him to thofe Writers who have treated upon this Sub- ject, and to the Light that Butler himfelf throws upon it in his Characters of Ralfho and Sidropbel, and more particularly in the Dilute he introduces betwixt Hudibrat and Sidrophel about judi- cial Aibrology, &c. 234 AN HERMETIC PHILOSOPHER. difcovered by a Kind of Prophefying Door, not overbaked nor cold, but warm, and look- ing (like a Woodcock's Head {luck in the Lid of a Pye) as if he were alive. With him they found a World of mod precious Secrets and Myfteries, with a deal of Treafure, and a Dictionary of all thofe Names, that Adam gave the Creatures ; and thefe they have fmce given one another: for they profefs to underiland the Language of Beafts and Birds, as they fay Solomon did, elfe he would never have laid The Fowls of the Air can difcover T^reajbn againft Princes. This Knowledge, they affirm, may be attained by Eating, in a planetary Moment, a Rather made of the Liver of a Camel ion, the only broiled Lexicon in the World. For they will undertake to teach any Kind of myfterious Learning in the World by Way of Diet j and therefore have admirable Receipts, to make feveral Difhes for Talifman, Magic, and Cabal, in which Sciences a Man of an ingenious Sto., mach may eat himfelf into more Knowledge at a Meal, than he could poflibly arrive at by fe- ven Years Study. They are better acquainted with the intelli- gible World, than they are with this; and AN HERMETIC PHILOSOPHER. 235 nnderfland more of Ideas, than they do of Things. This intelligible World is a Kind of y'erra incognita, a Pfttacorum Regie, of which Men talk what they do not underftand. They would have us believe, that it is but the Coun- terpart of the elementary World ; and that there is not fo much as an individual Beard upon the Face of the Earth, that has not ano- ther there perfectly of the fame Colour and Cut to match it. Next to this, as they tell us, lies the celeftial World, in which they are at Home-- All the Dukes, Earls, and Barons in the Pla- nets are their Godfons, if not their Baflards. Thefe Lords fpiritual hold fo perfect a Con- formance in all their Manners, Cufroms, and Ufages with ours upon Earth, that a learned Antiquary would certainly conclude, they were at firft fome Colony tranfplanted hence. With thefe they are fo familiar, that they have a Particular of every one's Eftate, and can tell how many Tenants he has, that hold their Lands of him. Thefe Spirits they ufe to catch by the Nofes with Fumigations, as St. Dun/tan did the Devil with a Pair of Tongs, and mak them compound for their Liberty by difcover- ing Secrets. By this Means they have found put the Way to make planetary Moufetraps, in 236 AN HERMETIC PHILOSOPHER, which Rats and Mice fhall take themfelves without the Expence of toafted Cheefe and Bacon. They have fine Devices to make coun- terfeit Maggots of Lute-Strings, tranllate Agues into Dogs, or fright them away with Spiders ; to cure the Tooth-ach or fore Eyes with Me- dicines laid to the Imagination ; kill Rats and Warts with Rhimes ; quote Moles on any Part of the Body by an Index in the Face ; difcover loft Maidenheads 5 pimp with Figures, Charms, and Characters 3 cut Nofes out of Buttocks with Taliacotius ; blow the Philofophers Fire with Words of pure Wind, and draw the glorify 'd Spirit of the Elixir not out of grofs Matter, but the pure incorporeal Hope and Faith of the Credulous, which is the beft and the moft rational Way of Multiplication j for a fmall Dofe fo prepared, and projected upon the dullefl Metal, converts it prefently into Gold ready coined. They have found out a Way to make invifible Hour-glafles for gifted Brethren to preach by, who would give Offence to tender Confciences, if it fhould feem, as if the Spirit could enable them to underfland what to fay, but not how much, without the Help of a carnal Hour-glafs. They are now carrying on a thorough-Reformation in the celeftial World OI HERMETIC PHILOSOPHER. 237 They- have repaired the oM Spheres, that were worn as thin as a Cob-web, and fattened the Stars in them with a Screw, by which means they may be taken off, and put on again at Pleafure. They have pulled down all the an- cient Houfes of the Planets, and fet up Tents in their Places, as being more convenient in re- gard of their Eafinefs to be removed upon all Occafions. They have lately fallen on Du- Bartass Defign to new-chriften all the Con- - ilellations, and give them Scripture Names, a Work no doubt of fingular Piety, 'and like in Time to convert the Aftrologers, when they {hall derive the Principles and Rudiments of their Science from divine Authority, which now they are fain to borrow of the old heathen Poets. This in Procefs of Time may enable them (as well as other Trades) to preach for themfelves, and fave the Charge of hiring old Mungrel Rabines, that are three Quarters Jews, to make their Art as lawful as they can, with mighty Arguments drawn from Etymolo- gies and Anagrams. But their Intelligence in the upper World is nothing to what they have in the infernal ; for they hold exacl Correfpon- dence with the Devils, and can give a perfect Account of their ecclefiaflical, civil, and mi- 238 AN PJERMETIC PHILOSOPHER. litary Difcipline. By their Advice the Fiends lately attempted a Reformation of their Govern- ment, that is, to bring all Things into Confu- fion, which among them is the greater! Order. They have placed Minos., JEacus, and Rliada* mant on the Bench again fmce they received a Writ of Eafe, and have given the Pettifogging Devils, that were thrown over the Bar for their Honefty, leave to practife again, having firft taken an 'Engagement to be true and faithful to the Government. They have entertained the Furies again, that were turned out of Service by the later Poets, and given Charon a new Coat and Badge. Indeed for their Militia, being out of the Way of Philofophers, they are not fo exactly verfed in it, and therefore are forced to raife old Poetical Spirits only for Shew, and to make up their Number (like a Captain, that makes a falfe Number) in which Cerberus pafles and receives Pay for three. All this they perform by Virtue and Dint of Num- bers, which they will have to run through the three Worlds like a Ladder of Ropes, holding the fame Proportion in them all, and the uni- verfal Privilege of the great Secret, which they can prove to be the golden Bough, that ferved JEneas for a Pafs to go to Hell with, Thefe AN HERMETIC PHILOSOPHER. 23.9 Numbers they believe to be the better Sort of Spirits, by the Largenefs of their Dominion, which extends from beyond the intelligible World, through all the inferior Worlds, to the Center, which is the uttermoft bound of their Empire that Way. They had like to have been chofen Principles in the elementary World, in the Room of old doating Privation ~ 9 but that Darknefs carried it with the Brotherhood in an indirect Way, having caft a Mifl befoie their learned Eyes. They have agreed upon a Truce and Ceflation of Hoftility between the Elements, and are like to conclude a Peace, by declaring the old Quarrel to arife from the In- ten/ton, and not from the Element, which is a clear Confutation of that old Maxim ex nihilo nihil fit. They believe, that Spirits have a nrange natural Allegiance to hard Words, though they mean nothing ; by which it fhould feem, that a well-taught Jackdaw, or one of James Howel's Trees may be as able a Conjurer as Friar Bacon himfelf. Next to Words they are catched with Characters, which are no- thing elfe but Marks, that Spirits make for their Names, becaufe they cannot write -Thefe Or one of James HowiFs Trees.} This alludes to ffo na's Grove, where the Trees rue inuoduced asfpea'' antient Stoics in their Porch With fierce dfyute maintained their Cburck, AN HERMETIC PHILOSOPHER. 241 home in the Legend A very learned Over- fight. They have found out an admirable Way to decide all Controverfies, and refolve Doubts of the greateft Difficulty by Way of horary Queftions ; for as the learned Aftrologers, obferving the Impoffibility of knowing the exa6l Moment of any Man's Birth, do ufe very prudently to cafl the Nativity of the Queftion (like him, that fwallowed the Doftor's Bill inftead of the Me- dicine) and find the Anfwer as certain and in- fallible, as if they had known the very Inftant, in which the Native, as they call him, crept into the World : fo in Queftions either fo fub- tile and obfcure, that Truth plays leaft in Sight, and Words and Terms go for no more than a Jugler's Canting ; the only Way in the World is to confider the critical Minute of the Quef- tion, and from thence refolve it. This had been an excellent Courfe for the old Round- headed Stoics to find out, whether Bonum was Beat out their Brains in Fight and Study, To prove that Virtue is a Body, That Bonum is an Animal Made good with ft out po 'emic Brawl : VOL. II. R 242 AN HERMETIC PHILOSOPHER. Corpus, or Virtue an Animal^ about which they had fo many fierce Encounters in their Stoa, that about one thoufand four hundred and forty loft their Lives upon the Place, and far many more their Beards, and Teeth, and No- fes But this had never been, had the Brethren lived in thofe Days, who can not only part all the mad Frays of Controverfy in Philofophy > but Religion alfo, and, like true canonical Conftables, make thofe fpiritual Swafh-Bucklers deliver up their Weapons, and keep the Peace. Nor is their Power and Authority lefs in com- pofing of civil Differences ; for they have a Re- ceipt to make two Armies, that are drawn up ready to fight, put up their Swords and face about. This is fo eafy, they fay, that it has been done by Women : but their Way is to raife a Storm, which they can do at any Time with the Liver of a Wolf, and make it thunder and lighten, as eafily as ftrike Fire in a Tinder- Box. This, they fay, has been experimented between Hanibal and the Romans ; and certainly In ivhichfome hundreds on the Place Were Jlain outright , and tr. any a Face Retrench' d of Nofe, and Ejes, and Beartiy To maintain gby of a Spanijb Nobleman younger Brother to the Conftable of Caftile, who being born deaf, and con- fequently dumb, was taught to underitarjd what was faid to him by AN HERMETIC PHILOSOPHER. 247 a Bo\\l in a Cherry-Stone. They will pick Myfteries out of Syllables and Letters, as Jug- lers do Money out of their Nofes This they learned of the Forefathers of Anagrams, the Rabbins. Befide this they have admirable Me- thods to difpofe and lay up Learning in, like thofe odd Contrivances in Cabinets, where no- body can tell how to find it but themfelves. Lultys Ars Brevis is one of thefe, wherein Magnitude, Bonitas, and ^uomodo are feveral con- cealed Drawers, in which they, that have any Learning, may lay it up fafe, and (if there be any Truth in his Commentator) they that have none too, which is not altogether fo flrange In thefe it will fprout and grow of it felf, as Onions do in the Spring above Ground, and multiply no Man can imagine how, that does not very well underftand the equivocal Genera- tion of Maggots. They can grave the Signets of the Planets in precious Stones with their own Influences, as Diamonds are cut with their own Dufl looking at the Perfon who fpoke, and alfo to give proper and dif- tinft Anfwers ; from whence Sir Kenelme takes occafion to fay that he could bear Ij his Eyes, andjee Wordi. See Dlgby of Body. R 4 248 AN HERMETIC PHILOSOPHER. Thefe being made in a right Minute have an admirable magnetic Virtue inftilled, to draw Learning, Wit, Valour, Wealth, Honour, and Women after the Owner, juft as the Load- ftone does Iron. Thefe were ufed much by the Knights-errant, which made them more valiant than Giants, and cunning than Conjurers ; they were always furnifhed with Ladies and Damfels; and though we find little Mention made of their Wealth, yet they always lived at a high Rate, when the Value of a Knight's Eitate in thofe Times was but a fmall Mat- ter. They have an admirable Way to difHnguifh the Influences of the Stars , for among fo many Myriads of good and bad, that are con- fufed and mixt together, they will prefently feparate thofc of virtuous Ule from the Evil, like Bcccalims Drum, that would beat up ail the Weeds in a Garden, and leave the Herbs {landing Thefe they keep in Glades, like the Powder made of the Sun-Beams, till they have Occafion to ufc tlitrn. They are commonly liniS Dram, &c ] See this explained by Butler hirn- felf in IL.dibra; y P. i. C. 2. V. 173, Sec. and by a Quotation horn ll^u-.l.,.i by Dr. Grey by VYay of" Note. AN HERMETIC PHILOSOPHER. 249 the better Half of the great Magiftery -, and ferve them to innumerable Purpofes in all their Profeflions of Philofophy, Magic, Divinity, Phyfic, Aftrology, Alchimy, Bawdery, Witch- craft, &c. for, befide a rare Property they have to reftore fmfal old Age to Virtue, Youth, and Underftanding, they are very fovereign to clear the Eyes of the Mind, and make a blear-ey'd Intellect fee like a Cat in the Dark, though it be ftark blind in the Light. Thefe Influences, they would make us be. lieve, are a Kind of little invifible Mid- wives, which the Stars employ at the Na- tivities of Men, to fwathe and bind up their Spirits, (juft as Mid wives do their Bodies) which being then moft tender and flexible, they can mold into what Form they pleafe : for mixing with the Air their mil breath, they do not only infect the Soul and Body, and their Faculties, but the Tempers, Difpofition, Opinions, Actions (and their Events) of Men with a certain fatal Contagion ; which, like a flow- working Poifon lying flill for many Years, fhali afterwards, like Difeafes and Sores, break out in the fevcral Actions and Emergencies of their Lives. And yet it (hould feem, thefe In- o 250 AN HERMETIC PHILOSOPHER. fluences are but a Kind of Mock- deft inies, whofe Bufmefs it is to tamper with all Men, but compel none This the Learned call inclining not ne- ccjjitating. They have a fmall precarious Em- pire, wholly at the Will of the Subject ; they can raife no Men but only Volunteers, for their Power does not extend to preis any. Their Jurifdiclion is only to invite Men to the Gallows, or the Pillory in a civil Way, but force none fo much as to a Whipping, unlefs, like Catholic Penitents, they have a mind to it, and will lay it on themfelves. They are very like, if r.ot the fame, to the Temptations of the Devil They can perfuade a Man to break his Neck? or drown himfetf, prefent him with a Rope and a Dagger, and defire him to make Choice of which he pleafes ; but if they do not take him juft in the Humour, they may as well go hang themfelves. As little Good as Hurt can they do any Man againft his Will They can- not make a private Man a Prince, unlefs he have a very flrong Defire to be fo j nor make any Man happy in any Condition whatfoever, unlefs his own Liking concur. They could never put Fools in Authority, as they ufe to do, if they did not take Delight in it ; nor make them great Philofophers and profound Scho- 5 AN HERMETIC PHILOSOPHER. 251 lars, unlefs they pleafed themfelves with Study- As for the Wife, the Learned tell us, they have nothing to do with them ; and if they make any Attempt upon them ; it is to no Purpofe : for when they incline a Man to be a Knave, and prevail upon him, he muft be a Fool (for they have no Power over the Wife) and fo all their Labour is loft. They ufe to make folemn Vows to Almighty God, never to difcover the great Secret to any Perfon living (as Lully does) and yet prefently will undertake to teach it ; but conjure every Scholar to keep it to himfelf, like Treafon that dies if it take Air. Then they forbid them to converfe with any, that have not Faith in the Art, that they may hear as little againft it as they have to fay for it; an excellent Prefervative to keep an implicit Faith from taking cold This is the high- Way of all Importers, who can never do more than ano- ther believes. But after fo many Precepts and Rules delivered with the greater!: Con- fidence and Prefumption of Certainty, they will tell you, that this Art is not to be at- tained but by divine Revelation, and only to 252 AN HERMETIC PHILOSOPHER; be expected by holy and fanctified Perfons, that have left behind them all the Concern- ments of this World ; whereby it feems, this Shadow of Art follows thofe only that fly it, and JKesfrom thofe that follow if. [ 253 I A N ALDERMAN HA S taken his Degree in Cheating, and the higheft of his Faculty ; or paid for refufmg his Mandamus. He is a Peer of the City, and a Member of their upper Houfe, who, as foon as he arrives at fo many thoufand Pounds, is bound by the Charter to ferve the Public with fo much Underftanding, what fhift foever he make to raife it, and wear a Chain about his Neck like a Rain deer, or in Default to commute, and make Satisfaction in ready Money, the befl Reafon of the Place $ for which he has the Name only, like a titular Prince, and is an Alderman extraordinary. But if his Wife can prevail with him to ftand, he becomes one of the City-fupporters, and, like the Unicorn in the King's Arms, wears a Chain about his Neck very right-wormipfully. He wears Scarlet, as the Whore of Balylon does, not for her honefty, but the Rank and Quality 254 A N A L D E R M A N. Ihe is of among the Wicked. When he fits as a Judge in his Court he is abfolute, and ufes arbitrary Power; for he is not bound to tin- derftand what he does, nor render an Account why he gives Judgment on one Side rather than another; but his Will is fufficient to ftand for his Reafon, to all Intents and Purpofes. He does no public Bufmefs without eating and drinking, and never meets about Matters of Im- portance, but the Cramming his Infide is the moft weighty Part of the Work of the Day. He difpatches no public Affair until he has thoroughly dined upon it, and is fully fatisfied with Quince-Pye and Cuftard: for Men are wifer, the Italians fay, after their Bellies are full, than when they are failing, and he is very cautious to omit no Occafion of improving his Parts that Way. He is fo careful of the In- terefl of his Belly, and manages it fo induf- trioufly, that in a little Space it grows great and takes Place of all the reft of his Members, and becomes fo powerful, that they will never be in a Condition to rebel againfl it any more. He is cloathed in Scarlet the Livery of his Sins, like the rich Glutton, to put him in Mind of what Means he came to his Wealth and Pre- ferment by. He makes a Trade of his Eat- A N A L D E R M A N. 255 ing, and, like a Cock, fcrapes when he feeds; for the Public pays for all and more, which he and his Brethren lhare among themfelves j for they never make a dry Reckoning. When he comes to be Lord-Mayor he does not keep a great Houfe, but a very great Houfe-warming for a whole Year ; for though he invites all the Companies in the City he does not treat them, but they club to entertain him, and pay the Reckoning beforehand. His Fur-gown makes him look a great deal bigger than he is, like the Feathers of an Owl, and when he pulls it off, he looks as if he were fallen away, or like a Rabbet, had his Skin pulled off. DISPUTA NT IS a Holder of Arguments, and Wagers too, when he cannot make them good. He tak^s naturally to Controverfy, like Fifties in India that are faid to have Worms in their Heads, and fwim always againft the Stream. The greater! Mattery of his Art confifts in turning and winding the State of the Queftion, by which means he can eafily defeat whatfoever has. been faid by his Adverfary, though excel- lently to the Purpofe, like a Bowler, that knocks away the Jack, when he fees another Man's Bowl lye nearer to it than his own. Another of his Faculties is with a Multitude of Words to render what he fays fo difficult to be recol- lected, that his Adverfary may not eafily know what he means, and confequemly not under- fland what to anfwer, to which he fecretly referves an Advantage to reply by interpreting A D I S P U T A N T. 257 \vhat he faid before otherwife than he at firrt intended it, according as he finds it ferve his Purpofe to evade whatfoever fhall be objected. Next to this, to pretend not to underftand, or rnifinterprets what his Antagonifl fays, though plain enough, only to divert him from the Purpofe, and to take Occafion from his Expo- fition of what he faid to flart new Cavils on the Bye, and run quite away from the Queftion : but when he finds himfelf preft Home and beaten from all his Guards, to amufe the Foe - with fome fenfelefs Diftinclion, like a falfified Blow, that never hits where 'tis aimed, but while it is minded makes Way for fome other Trick that may pafs. But that which renders him invincible is Abundance of Confidence and Words, which are his offenfive and defensive Arms j for a brazen Face is a natural Helmet or Beaver, and he that has Store of Words needs notfurrender for Want of Ammunition-^ \ No Matter for Reafon and Senfe, that go for no more in Difputations than the Juftice of a, Caufe does in War, which is imderftood but by few, and commonly regarded by none. For the Cuftom of Difputants is not fo much to deffroy one another's Reafon, as to cavil at VOL. JI ? S 258 A DISPUTANT. the Manner of exprefling it, right or wrong J for they believe Dolus an Virtus^ &c. ought to be allowed in Controverfy as War, and he that gets the Viftory on any Terms whatfoever de- ferves it, and gets it honourably. He and his Opponent are like two falfe Lute-firings, that will never ftand in Tune to one another ; or like two Tennis-players, whofe greateft Skill confifls in avoiding one another's Strokes, 259 ] o HA S found out a Way to renew, not only his Youth, but his Childhood, hy being fie wed, like old Mfon, in Liquor ; much better than the Virtuofo's Way of making old Dogs young again : for he is a Child again at fecond hand, never the worfe for the Wearing, but as purely frefh, fimple, and weak, as he was at firft. He has flupify'd his Senfes by living in a moifl Climate according to the PoztBteotum in crajjb inrares aere natum. He meafures his Time by GlafTes of Wine, as the Ancients did by Water-Glares -, and as Hermes Trifmegiftus is faid to have kept the mil Accompt of Hours by the pitting of a Beafl dedicated to Seraph* he revives that Cuflom in his own Practice, and obferves it punctually in pafimg his Time. He is like a Statue placed in a moifl Air -, all the Lineaments of Humanity are mouldered away, and there is nothing left of him but a rude Lump of the Shape of a Man, and no one S 2 2 6o A SOT. part entire. He has drowned himfelf in 3 But of Wine, as the Duke of Clarence was ferved by his Brother. He has wafhed down his Soul and pift it out ; and lives now only by the Spirit of Wine or Brandy, or by an Extract drawn off his Stomach. He has fwallowed his Humanity, and drunk himfelf into a Beaft, as if he had pledged Madam Circe, and done her Right. He is drowned in a Glafs like a Fly, beyond the Cure of Crums of Bread, or the Sun Beams. He is like a Spring-Tide ; when he is drunk to his high- Water-Mark he fwells and looks big, runs againll the Stream, and overflows every Thing that Jftands in his Way; but when the Drink within him is at an Ebb, he fhrinks within his Banks, and falls fo low and fhallow, that Cattle may pafs over him. He governs all his Aclions by the Drink within him, as a Quaker does by the Light within him ; has a different Humour for every Nick his Drink rifes to, like the Degrees of the Weatherglafs, and proceeds from Ribaldry and Bawdery to Politics, Reli- gion, and Quarreling, until it is at the Top, and then it is the Dog-Days with him j from whence he falls down again, until his Liquor is at the Bottom, and then he lyes quiet, and is frozen up. *6i A N ATHEIST IS a bold Difputant, that takes upon him to prove the harder! Negative in the whole World , and from the Impoffibility of his At~ tempt may be juftly concluded not to under" ftand it : for he that does not underftand fo much as the Difficulty of his Undertak- ing, can know nothing elfe of it ; and he, that will venture to comprehend that, which is not within his Reach, does not know fo far as his own Latitude, much lefs the Extent of that which lies beyond it. He denies that to be which he finds by undeniable Inference to b e in all Things ; and, bccaufe it is every where> 'would have it to be no 'where j as if that old Gin- gle were logically true in all Things, becaufe it is fo in nothing. If a blind Man fhould affirm, there is no fuch Thing as Light, and 262 AN ATHEIST. an Owl no fuch Thing as Darknefs, it would be hard to fay, which is the verier Owl of the two j and yet both would fpeak true, accord- ing to their own Apprehenfions and Experience, but falfe, becaufe it is of Things beyond the Reach of their Capacities. He draws a Map of Nature by his own Fancy, and bounds her how he pleafes, without Regard to the Pofition of the Heavens, by which only her Latitude is to be underftood, and without which all his Speculations are vain, idle, and confufed. No- thing but Ignorance can produce a Confidence bold enough to determine of the fail Caufe J for all the inferior Works of Nature are Qbjefts more fit for our Wonder ; than Curiofity -, and {he conceals the T^ruth of Things, that lye under our View, from us, to difcourage us from attempting thofe, that are more remote. He commits as great an Error in making Nature (which is nothing but the Order and Method, by which all Caufes and Effects in the World are governed) to be the firil Caufe, as if he fhould fuppofe the Laws, by which a Prince governs, to be the Prince, himfelf. t 263 ] U G L E R IS an artificial Magician, that with his Fin- gers cafts a Mift before the Eyes of the Rabble, and makes his Balls walk invifible which Way he pleafes. He does his Feats be- hind a Table, like a Prejbyterian in a Conven- ticle, but with much more Dexterity and Clean- linefs, and therefore all Sorts of People are better pleafed with him. Moil Profeflions and Myfleries derive the Practice of all their Fa- culties from him, but ufe them with lefs Inge- nuity and Candour j for the more he- deceives thofe he has to do with, the better he deals with them, while thofe that imitate him in a lawful Calling are far more difhoneft -, for the more they impofe the more they abufe. All his Cheats are primitive, and therefore more inno- cent and of greater Purity than thofe that are S 4 264 A J U G L E R. by Tradition from Hand to Hand derived to them : for he conveys Money out of one Man's Pocket into another's with much more Since- rity and Ingenuity than thofe, that do it in a legal Way, and for a lefs confiderable, though more confcientious, Reward. He will fetch Money out of his own Throat with a great deal more of Delight and Satisfaction to thofe that pay him for it, than any Haranguer what- foever, and make it chuck in his Throat better than a Lawyer, that has talked himfelf hoarfe, and fwallowed fo many Fees, that he is almoft choaked. He will fpit Fire, and blow Smoke out of his Mouth, with lefs Harm and Inconve- nience to the Government, than a feditious Holder- forth ; and yet all thefe difown and fcorn him, even as Men, that are grown great and rich, defpife the Meannefs of their Origi- nals. He calls upon Prefto begone,, and the Babylonians Tooth, to amufe and divert the Rab- ble from looking too narrowly into his Tricks; while a zealous Hypocrite, that calls Heaven and Earth to witnefs his, turns up the Eye, and fhakes the Head at his Idolatry and Profana- tion. He goes the Circuit to all Country Fairs, where he meets with good ftroiling Practice,, and comes up to Bartholomew Fair as his Mi- A J U G L E R. 265 cbaelmas Term j after which he removes to fomc great Thorough-fare, where he hangs out him- felf in Effigie, like a Dutch Malefa&or, that all thofe, that pafs by, may for their Money have a Trial of his Skill. He endeavours to plant himfelf, as near as he can, to fome Puppet- Play, Monfter, or Mountebank, as the moft convenient Situation, and, when Trading grows fcant, they join all their Forces together, and make up one grand Shew, and admit the Cut- Purfe and Ballad-Singer to trade under them, as Orange- Women do at a Playhoufe. [ 266 J A S C E P T S a Critic, that deals in Wholefale ; he never * cenfures but in grofs, as being the moft thriving and eafy Trade of Wit : for the Dif-^ covery of particular Errors in Knowledge re* quires deeper Infight, has more of difficult Subtlety, and lefs of Glory; as it is eafier by much to cry down a Science than underftand it, and more brave to appear above it, than fkilful in it. He has a natural Inclination and Ambition to Knowledge ; but being un- fortunate in a Temper of Wit not capable of it, derives his Glory from the Remedy of his Defects (as Men do their Bravery from their Nakednefs) and undervaluing that> which he cannot attain to, would make his Neceffity appear a Virtue, and his Ignorance the Choice of his Judgment. Much of this proceeds from his Envy, which is fo impatient of feeing any Man exceed him in that, which A S C E P T I C. 26> he would gladly pretend to, that with Cesfar he had rather deftroy the Commonwealth of Let- ters, than endure another to be greater than himfelf in it. If it be his Misfortune to be engaged in an Argument, his conftant Method is Catechifm -, for he will be fure to a(k Quef- tions only, and put others to anfwer, a Game at which the dulleft Idiot may play with the wifefl in the World, and be too hard for him ; and when with his Pedigree of Queftions, that beget one another, he has driven you as far as the Wit of Man can reach, becaufe you can go no further, he will conclude you have not moved at all. As if you fhould tell him of the Siege of Troy, and do not begin (as Ho- races Poetafter did) with the hatching of Caftor and Pollux, he will not believe you can fay any Thing of Hetfor and Ajax. He is a worfe Tyrant than Caligula wifhed himfelf ; for in denying Reafon, Senfe, and Demonfrration he cuts off all the beft Heads of Mankind at a Slow. t 268 ] A PROJECTOR IS by Interpretation a Man of Forecqft. He is an Artift of Plots, Defigns, and Expe- dients to find out Money, as others hide it, where nobody would look for it. He is a great Rectifier of the Abufes of all Trades and Myf- teries, yet has but one Remedy for all Difeafes, that is, by getting a Patent to fhare with them* by Virtue of which they become authorifed, and confequently ceafe to be Cheats. He is a great Promoter of the public Good, and makes it his Care and Study to contrive Expedients, that the Nation may not be ill ferved with falfe Rags, arbitrary Puppet-Plays, and in- fufficient Monfters, of all which he endea- vours to get the Superin tendency. He will undertake to render treafonable Pedlars, that carry Intelligence between Rebels and Fanatics, 8 A PROJECTOR. 269 true Subjects and well- affected to the Go- vernment for half a Crown a Quarter, which he takes for giving them Licence to do fo fecurely and uncontrouled. He gets as much by thofe Projects that mifcarry, as by thofe that hold (as Lawyers are paid as well for undoing as preferving of Men) for when he has drawn in Adventurers to purchafe Shares of the Profit, the fooner it is flopped, the better it proves for him; for, his own Bufmefs being done, he is the fooner rid of theirs. He is very expert at gaging the Undei flandings of thofe he deals with, and has his Engines always ready with mere Air to blow all their Money out of their Pockets into his own, as Vintners do Wine out of one VefTel into another. He is very amorous of his Country, and prefers the public Good before his own Advantage, until he has joined them both together in fonie Monopoly, and then he thinks he has done his Part, and may be allowed to look after his own Affairs in the fecond Place. The chiefeft and moft ufeful Part of his Talent confifts in Quacking an-d Lying, which he calls anfwering of Objections, and convincing the Ignorant : Without this he can do nothing ; 270 A PROJECTOR. for as it is the common Practice of moft Knaveries, fo it is the furefl and bed fitted to the vulgar Capacities of the World; and though it render him more ridiculous to fomc few, it always prevails upon the greater Part. COMP LEMENTE R T S one that endeavours to make himfelf ap- * pear a very fine Man, in perfuading ano- ther, that He is fo; and by offering thofe Civilities, which he does not intend to part with, believes he adds to his own Reputation, and obliges another for nothing. He is very free in making Prefents of his Services, be- caufe he is certain, he cannot poflibly receive jn return lefs than they are worth. He differs very much from all other Critics in Punctilios of Honour ; for he efteems himfelf very un- civilly dealt with, if his Vows and Protefta- tions pafs for any Thing, but mere Lies and Vanities. When he gives his Word, he believes it is no longer Ills', and, therefore, holds it very unreafonable to give it, and keep it too. He divides his Services among fo many, that there comes but little, or nothing to any one Man's 272 A COMPLEMENTER. Share; and, therefore, they are very willing to let him take it back again. He makes over himfelf in trufl to every Man, but Hill it is to Bis own llfes, to fecure his Title againft all other Claims, and cheat his Creditors. He is very generous of his Promifes, but ftill it is without lawful Confederation, and fo they go for no- thing. He extols a Man to his Face, like thofe that write in Praife of an Author, to (how his own Wit, not his, whom they undertake to commend. He has certain fet Forms and Rou- tines of Speech, which he can fay over, while he thinks on any Thing elfe, as a Catholic does his Prayers ; and, therefore, never means what he fays. His Words flow eafily from him, but fo {hallow, that they will bear no Weight at all. All his Offers of Endearment are but like Terms of Courfe, that carry their own An~ fwers along with them; and, therefore, pafs for nothing between thofe that underiland them, and deceive thofe only, that believe in them, He profeffes moft Kindnefs commonly to thole, he leafl cares for, like an Hoft, that bids a Man welcome, when he is going away. He had rather be every Man's menial Servant, than anyone Man's Friend 3 for Servants gain by their Mailers, and Men often lofe by their Friends. f 273 1 CHURC H WARDEN T S a public Officer, intrufted to rob the Church * by Virtue of his Place, as long as he is in it. He has a very great Care to eat and drink well upon all public Occafions, that concern the Parifh. : for a good Confcience being a perp^ tualFeafti he believes, the better he feeds, the more Confcience he ufes in the Difcharge of his Truft ; and as long as there is no Dry- money-cheat ufed, all others are allowed, ac- cording to the Tradition and Practice of the Church in the pureft Times. When he lays a Tax upon the Parifh he commonly raifes it a fourth Part above the Accompt, to fupply the Default of Houfes that may be burnt, or fland empty; or Men that may break and run away; and if none of thefe happen, his For- tune is the greater, and his Hazard never the VOL. II. T 274 CHURCHWARDEN. lefs ; and therefore he divides the Overplus between himfelf and his Colleagues, who were engaged to pay the whole, if all the Parifh had run away, or hanged themfelves. He over- reckons the Parifli in his Accompts, as the Taverns do him, and keeps the odd Money himfelf, inftead of giving it to the Drawers. He eats up the Bell- Ropes like the Afs in the Emblem, and converts the broken Glafs- Win- dows into whole Beer-Glades of Sack ; and before his Year is out, if he be but as good a Fellow as the drinking Bifhop was, pledges a whole Pulpit-full. If the Church happen to fall to decay in his Time, it proves a Deodand to him j for he is Lord of the Manor, and does not only make what he pleafes of it, but has his Name recorded on the Walls among Texts of Scripture and leathern Buckets, with the Year of his Office, that the Memory of the Unjuft, as well as the Juil, may laft as long .as fo tranfitory a Thing may. He interprets his Oath, as Catholics do the Scripture, not according to the Senfe and IV leaning of the Words, but the Tradition and Practice of his Predeceflbrs -, who have always been obferved to fwear what others pleafe, and do what they pleafe themfelves, [ 2 75 J A ROMANCE WRITER PULLS down old Hiftories to build them up finer again, after a new Model of his own defigning* He takes away all the Lights of Truth in Hiftory to make it the fitter Tu- torefs of Life ; for Truth herfelf has little or nothing to do in the Affairs of the World* although all Matters of the greater! Weight and Moment are pretended and done in her Name ; like a weak Princefs, that has only the Title, and Falfhood all the Power, He obferves one very fit Decorum in dating his Hiftories in the Days of old, and putting all his own In- ventions upon ancient Times; for when the World was younger, it might, perhaps, love, and fight, and do generous Things at the Rate he defcribes them j but fince it is grown old, all thefe heroic Feats are laid by and utterly given over, nor ever like to come in Fafhion T 2 276 ROMANCE WRITER; again j and therefore all his Images of thofe Virtues fignify no more than the Statues upon dead Men's Tombs, that will never make them live again. He is like one of Homers Gods* that fets Men together by the Ears, and fetches them off again how he pkafes ; brings Armies into the Field like Janel/o's leaden Soldiers , leads up both Sides himfelf, and gives the Vic- tory to which he pleafes> according as he finds it fit the Defign of his Story j makes Love and Lovers too, brings them acquainted, and ap- points Meetings when and where he pleafes, and at the fame Time betrays them in the Height of all their Felicity to miferable Cap- tivity, or fome other horrid Calamity ; for which he makes them rail at the Gods, and curfe their own innocent Stars, when he only has done them all the Injury Makes* Men. Villains, compells them to acl: all barbarous Inhumanities by his own Directions, and after inflicts the cruellefi Punifhments upon them for it. He makes all his Knights fight in For- tifications, and ftorm one another's Armour> Like Janello's leaden Soldiers.] This alludes to fome Kind of a Piippct-Perf-irmaiKe in thofe Times, as I find the Name Janella, in another imperfeft Piece of ButkSs, introduced as belonging^ to a famous Operator in that Art; ROMANCE WRITER. 277 before they can come to encounter Body for Body; and always matches them fo equally one with another, that it is a whole Page before they can guefs which is likely to have the better ; and he that has it is fo mangled, that it had been better far them both to have parted fair at firfl ; but when they encounter with thofe, that are no Knights, though ever fo well armed and mounted, ten to one goes for nothing - As for the Ladks, they are every one the moft beautiful in the whole World, and that's the Reafon why no one of them^ nor all together with all their Charms have Power to tempt away any Knight from another. He differs from a juft Hiftorian as a Joyner does from a Carpenter, the one does Things plainly and fubftantially for Ufe, and the other carves and polimes merely for Show and Ornament^ H E T S a Freeman of all Trades, and all Trades *" of his. Fraud and Treachery, are his Calling, though his Profejpon be the ftricteft Integrity and Truth. He fpins Nets, like a Spider, out of his own Entrails, to entrap the Simple and Unwary that light in his Way, whom he de- vours and feeds upon. All the greater Sort of Cheats, being allowed by Authority, have loft their Names (as Judges, when they are called to the Bench, are no more ftiled Laivjen) and left the Title to the meaner only, and the unallowed. The common Ignorance of Man, kind is his Province, which he orders to the beft Advantage. He is but a tame Highway- man, that doss the fame Things by Stratagem and Defign, which the other does by Force, makes Men deliver their Understandings firft, and after their Purfes., Oaths and Lies are his A CHEAT. 279 Tools that he works with, and he gets his Living by the Drudgery of his Conference. He endeavours to cheat the Devil by mortgaging his Soul fo many Times over and over to him, forgetting that he has Damnations, as Prieils have Absolutions, of all Prices. He is a Kind of a juft Judgment, fent into this World to punifti the Confidence and Curiofity of Igno- rance, that out of a natural Inclination to Error will tempt its own Punimment, and help to abufe itfelf. He can put on as many Shapes, as the Devil that fet him on Work> is one that fifties in muddy Understandings, and will tickle a Trout in his own Element, till he has him in his Clutches, and after in his Diflij or the Market. He runs down none but thofe, which he is certain are fcra Natura> mere natural Animals, that belong to him that can catch them. He can do no Feats without the co-operating Afliftance of the Chowfe, whofe Credulity commonly meets the Importer half Way, otherwife nothing is done ; for all the Craft is not in the Catching (as the Proverb fays) but the better half t at lead in being catch- ed. He is one that, like a Bond without Fraud, ing and further Delay, is void and of none T 4 2fto A CHEAT. Effetf, other wifedoesjland and remain infullPower^ Force, and Virtue. He trufts the Credulous with what Hopes they pleafe at a very eafy Rate, upon their own Security, until he has drawn them far enough in, and then makes them pay for all at once. The firft Thing he gets from him is a good Opinion, and after- wards any Thing he pleafes ; for after he has drawn him from his Guards, he deals with him like a Surgeon, and tyes his Arm before he lets him Blood. [ a8i ] LI SELLER IS a certain Claflic Author, that handles his Subject Matter very ruggedly, and endea- vours with his own evil Words to corrupt another Man's good Manners. All his Works treat but of two Things, his own Malice, and another Man's Faults j both which he def- cribes in very proper and pertinent Language. He is not much concerned whether what he writes be true or falfe, that's nothing to his Purpofe, which aims only at filthy and bitter j and therefore his Language is, like Pictures of the Devil, the fouler the better. He robs a Man of his good Name, not for any good it will do him (for he dares not own it) but merely, as a Jackdaw fteals Money, for his Pleafure. His Malice has the fame Succefs with other Men's Chanty, to be rewarded in 2 8a A LIBELLER. private ; for all he gets is but his own private Satisfaction, and the Teftimony of an evil Confcience ; for which, if it be difcovered, he fuffers the worft Kind of Martyrdom, and is paid with condign Punifhment, fo that at the beft he has but his Labour for his Pains. He deals with a Man as the Sfanifh Inquifition does with Heretics, cloaths him in a Coat painted with hellifh Shapes of Fiends, and fo fhevvs him to the Rabble, to render hirp the more odious. He expofes his Wit like a Baftard, for the next Comer to take up and put out to Nurfe, which it feldom fails of, fo ready is every Man to contribute to the Infamy of another. He is like the De- vil, that fows Tares in the Dark, and while a Man fleeps plants Weeds among his corn. W^hen he ventures to fall foul on the Govern- ment or any great Perfons, if he has not a fpecial Care to keep himfelf, like a Conjurer, fafe in his Circle, he raifes a Spirit that falls foul on himfelf, and carries him to Limbo -, where his Neck is clapped up in the Hole, out of which it is never releafed, until he has paid his Ears down on the Nail for Fees. He is in a worfe Condition than a School-boy > A LIBELLER. 283 for when he is difcovered, he is whipped for his Exercife, whether it be well or ill done ; fo that he takes a wrong Courfe to fhew his Wit, when his beft Way to do fo is to con- ceal it ; otherwife he fhews his Folly inftead of his Wit, and pays dear for the Miftake. A TEDIOUS MAN TALKS to no End, as well as to no Purr pofe ; for he would never come at it willingly. His Difcourfe is like the Road- Miles in the North,, the filthier and dirtier the longer; and he delights to dwell the longer upon them to make good the old Pro- verb that fays they are good for the Dweller, but ill for the Traveller. He fets a Tale up- on the Rack, and ftretches until it becomes lame and out of Joint. Hippocrates fays Art is long-, but he is fo for Want of Art. He has a Vein of Dullnefs, that runs through all he fays or does ; for nothing can be tedi- ous, that is not dull and infipid. Digreflions and Repetitions, like Bag and Baggage, retard his March, and put him to perpetual Halts. He makes his Approaches to a Bufinefs by ob- lique Lines, as if he meant to befiege it, and A TEDIOUS MAN fetches a wide Compafs about to keep others from difcovering what his Defign is. He is like one that travels in a dirty deep Road, that moves flowly j and, when he is at a Stop, goes back again, and lofes more Time in pick- ing of his Way, than in going it. How troublefome and uneafy foever he is to others, he pleafes himfelf fo well, that he does not at all perceive it; for though home be homely, it is more delightful than finer Things abroad ; and he, that is ufed to a Thing and knows no better, believes that other Men, to whom it appears otherwife, have the fame Senfe of it that he has ; as melancholy Perfons, that fancy themfelves to be Glafs, believe that all others think them fo too ; and therefore that, which is tedious to others, is not fo to hin% otherwife he would avoid it: for it does not fo often proceed from a natural Defect, as Affectation,, and Defire to give others that Plea- fure which they find themfelves, though it al- ways falls out quite contrary. He that con- verfes with him is like one that travels with a Companion, that rides a lame Jade > he muit either endure to go his Pace, or flay for him ; for though he understands long before what 236 A TEDIOUS MA 1ST. he would be at better than he does himfelf, he muft have Patience and flay for him, un- til with much ado to little Purpofe, he at length comes to him ; for he believes him- felf injured, if he fhouldbate a Jot of his own Diverfion, A Y L O R CA M E in with the Curfe ; and Is younger Brother unto Thorns, and Thirties, and Death -, for if Adam had not fallen, he had never fat crofs-leg'd. Sin and he are Partners ; for as Sin firft brought him into Employment, fo he by cheating and contributing to Pride and Vanity works to Sin, and the old Trade is^ ftill kept up between both. Our Saviour wore his Coat without Seam, rather than he would have any Thing to do with him ; and Etias, when he went to Heaven, left his Man- tle behind, becaufe it had been polluted by his Fingers. The Jews in all great Calamities were wont to rent their Garments, only to teftify, that they defy'd him and all his Works. All Men love and admire Cloaths, but fcorn and defpife him that made them, as Princes approve of Treafon, but hate Traitors. He fits crofs-lcged to (hew that he is originally a 288 A T A Y L O ft; Turk, and calls himfelf Merchant-Taylor upon no other Account, but only as he defcended from Mahomet, who was a Merchant's Pren- tice himfelf in his Youth. And his conftant Cuftom of making the Calves of his Legs a Stool to fit upon, has rendered him fo fliff in the Hams, that he walks as if he was newly circumcifed, to diftinguifh himfelf from a ChriJIian. He lives much more by his Faith than good Works -, for he gains more by truft- ing and believing in one that pays him at long Running, than fix that he works for, upon an even Accompt, for ready Money. He never cuts his Coat according to his Cloth j but always the more lie is allowed the lefs he puts in a Gar- ment ; and he believes he has Realbn for it ; for he is fain to take double Pains in contriving how to difpofe both what he fteals, and what he ufes, to the beft Advantage, which coils him twice as much Labour as that which he gets nothing by. He never cuts a Man's Cloaths but he cuts his Purfe into the Bargain ; and when he makes a Pocket takes Handfel of it, and picks it firft himfelf. He calls Stealing damning, by a Figure in Rhetoric called the Effect for the Efficient, and the Place where he lodges all his Thieveries He/I, to put him in A TAYLOR. 289 mind of his latter End ; and what he fteals by Retail the Broker takes off his Hands by Wholefale. He keeps his Wife in Taffety to fave Charges ; for when her Petticoats are worn out, they ferve him to line Veils with, as well as if they were new, and when he is unfur- nifhed of thefe, old Satten and Taffety Men fupply him for Ends of Gold and Silver. He gets more by the Trimming and Garniture of of Cloaths than all the reft ; for he can fwal- low Ribbands like a Jugler, and put whole Pieces more in his Bill than ever he made ufe of, and flretch Lace, as a Shoe-maker does Leather with his Teeth, when he fets it on. The Mercers are in Fee with him to revive old rotten Stuffs by giving them new fantaftic Names j and he brings them into the Mode by fw earing they are new come up 5 in Confedera- tion of which he is allowed to buy cheap and fell dear ; for he is loth to undervalue his Con- fcience, and put it off at a mean Rate, as long as he fees his Neighbours can make more of theirs He fcorns that. VOL. II. U A FACTIOUS MEMBER IS fent out laden with the Wifdom and Po- liticks of the Place he ferves for, and has his own Freight and Cuftom free. He is truft- ed like a Factor to trade for a Society, but endeavours to turn all the public to his own private Advantages. He has no Inftruclions but his Pleafure, and therefore ftrives to have his Privileges as large. He is very wife in his politic Capacity as having a full Share in the Houfe, and an implicit Right to every Man's Reaibn, though he has none of his own, which makes him appear fo fimple out of it. He believes all Reafon of State confifls in Fac- tion, as all Wifdom in Haranguing, of which he is fo fond, that he had rather the Nation fhould periih than continue ignorant of his great Abilities that Way ; though he that ob- fcrves his Geftures, Words, and Delivery, will A FACTIOUS MEMBER. 291 find them fo perfectly agreeable to the Rules of the Houfe, that he cannot but conclude he learnt his Oratory the very fame Way that Jack- daws and Parrots praclife by. For he coughs, and fpits, and blows his Nofe with that dif- creet and prudent Caution, that you would think he had buried his Talent in a Handker- chief, and were now pulling it out to difpofe of it to a better Advantage. He flands and pre- fumes fo much upon the Privileges of the Houfe t as if every Member were a Tribune ot the People, and had as abfolute Power as they had in Rome> according to the lately eflablifhed fundamental Cuftom and Practice of their quarter'd Prede- ceflbrs of unhappy Memory. He endeavours to fhew his Wifdom in nothing more than in. appearing very much unfatisfy'd with the pre- fent Manage of State-Affairs, although he knows nothing of the Reafons j fo much the better ; for the Thing is the more difficult, and argues his Judgment and Infight the greater ; for any Man can judge that underftands the Reafons of what he does, but very few know how to judge mechanically without underftand- ing why or wherefore. It is fufficient to afllire him, that the public Money has been diverted U 2 292 A FACTIOUS MEMBER. from the proper Ufes it was raifed for, becaufe he has had no Share of it himfelf j and the Go- vernment ill-managed, becaufe he has no hand in it, which, truly, is a very great Grievance to the People, that underftand, by himfelf and his Party, that are their Reprefentatives, and ought to underftand for them, how able he is for it. He fathers all his own Paflions and Concerns, like Baftards, on the People, be- caufe being entrufted by them without Articles or Conditions, they are bound to acknowledge whatfoever he does as their own Aft and Deed. t 2 93 PRETENDER IS eafily acquainted with all Knowledges, but never intimate with any j he remembers he has feen them fomewhere before, but cannot poflibly call to mind where. He will call an Art by its Name, and claim Acquaintance with it at mil Sight. He knew it perfectly, as the Platonics fay, in the other World, but has had the Unhappinefs to difcontinuehis Acquaintance ever fince his Occafions called him into this. He claps on all the Sail he can poffibly make, though his VefTel be empty and apt to overfet. He is of a true philofophical Temper contented with a little, defires no more Knowledge than will fatisfy Nature, and cares not what his Wants are, fo he can but keep them from the Eyes of the World. His Parts are unlimi- ted 3 for as no Man knows his Abilities, fb he U 3 294 A PRETENDER. does his Endeavour, that as few fhould his Defeats. He wears himfelf in Oppofition to the Mode, for his Lining is much coarfer than his Outfide; and as others line their Serge with Silk, he lines his Silk with Serge. All his Care is employed to appear, not to be j for things that are not, and Things that appear not, are not only the fame in Law, but in all other Affairs of the World. It fhould feem that the mofl impudent Face is the befl ; for he that does the fhamefulleft Thing mofl unconcerned is faid tofet a good Face upon it : For the Truth is, the Face is but the Outfide of the Mind, but all the Craft is' to know how 'tis lined. How- fome'er he fancies himfelf as able as any Man, but not being in a Capacity to try the Experi- ment, the Hint-Keeper of Greftam College is the only competent Judge to decide the Contro- ,verfy. He may, fc. any Thing he knows, have as good a Title to his Pretences as ano- ther Man ; for Judgment being not paft in the Cafe (which fhall never be by his Means) his Title ftill ftands fair. All he can poflibly at. tain to is but to be another Thing than Na- ture meant him, though a much worfe. He m^akes that good that Pliny fays of Children qui celerius fari cepere, tardius ingredi indpiunt. A PRETENDER. 295 The apter he is to (matter, the flower he is in making any Advance in his Pretences. He trufts Words before he is thoroughly ac- quainted with them, and they commonly (hew him a Trick before he is aware j and he fhews at the fame Time his Ignorance to the Learned, and his Learning to the Ignorant. U A NEW S-M O N G E R IS a Retailer of Rumour, that takes up up- on Truft, and fells as cheap as he buys. He deals in a perifliable Commodity, that will not keep : for if it be not frefh it lies upon his Hands, and will yield nothing. True or falfe is all one to him j for Novelty being the Grace of both, a Truth grows ftale as foon as a Lye; and as a flight Suit will laft as well as a better while the Falhion holds, a Lye ferves as well as Truth till new ones come up. He is little concerned whether it be good or bad, for that does not make it more or lefs News ; and, if there be any Difference, he loves the bad beft, becaufe it is faid to come fooneft ; for he would willingly bear his Share in any public Calamity, to have the Pleafure of hearing and telling it. He is deeply read in Diurnals, and can give as good an Account of Rowland Pepin, if need be, A NEWS-MONGER. 297 as another Man. He tells News, as Men do Money, with his Fingers ; for he afTures them it comes from very good Hands. The whole Bufmefs of his Life is like that of a Spaniel ; to fetch and carry News, and when he does it well he is clapt on the Back, and fed for its for he does not take to it altogether like a Gen- tleman for his Pleafure, but when he lights on a confiderable Parcel of News, he knows where to put it off for a Dinner, and quarter him. felf upon it, until he has eaten it out ; and by this Means he drives a Trade, by retrieving the firft News to truck it for the firft Meat in Seafon ; and like the old Roman Luxury ran- facks all Seas and Lands to pleafe his Palate ; for he imports his Narratives from all Parts within the Geography of a Diurnal, and eats as well upon the Rufs and Polander, as the E?ig- HJJ} and Dutch. By this means his Belly is provided for, and nothing lyes upon his Hands but his Back, which takes other Courfes to maintain itfelf by waft and ftray Silver Spoons, flragling Hoods and Scarfs, pimping, and Setts at L'Ombre. A N EMBASSADOR T S accountable to Honour in his private Capacity, but not at all in his public; for as he reprefents his Prince, that has the difpofing of Honour, he is above it, and can- not be difpofed by it. The greateft Part of his Qualification confifh in the Bravery of his Fol- lowers, and he carries his Abilities on his Ser- vant's Backs. He is obliged to be witty by his Place, and bound to make fmart Repartees, what Shift foever he makes to come by them. He reprefents his Prince's Perfon, when he comes near to the Perfon of the Prince that gives him Audience, but not before, as appears by the profound Reverence he obferves, and the Legs he makes. His Inftruc~rions are his Part, which he learns by Art \ and there is nothing left to him but the Action and Delivery. He carries Letters of Credence with him, to enable him better to manage that great Arcanum Imperil > AN E M B A S S A D O R. 299 or politic Art of Government, Diflembling and Lying, which he is entrufted withal, and en- gaged in Honour to enforce, as far as iblemii Vows and Proteftations, and if need be, pawiT- ing his Salvation to the Devil, can enable him. He brings Materials with him from Home, to ferve for all politic Occalions that can fall out, and is bound only to make Speeches and Legs to them ; and, the {lighter they are, to afford the more Gravity and folemn Formality for Allowance : For he is intruded with the Wif- dom of the Nation which he comes from, and ought to life it to the beft Advantage, and pre- ferve it fo fafe, that no Man living may know where to find it out. He is very tender con- fcienced in his politic Capacity, will not en- dure that any Man fhould excel him in going or fitting ; and will rather give his Soul, than fo much Place as it would take up on the Point of a Needle. When he puts on the Perfon of his Prince, he makes all other Reafons of State march behind, like a Retinue to attend and wait upon it. He travels like a Lapland Witch, and leaves his own Perfon behind him in a Trance, till he returns Home, and then takes it up again, and comes to himfelf. He goes a Wooing with Letters of Commendation from Soo AN EMBASSADOR. his Matter in his own Behalf, makes paffionate Love to fome foreign Interefr, and when he meets with an equal Return of Affection, and has won the tender Heart of the State, he puts al! his politic Capacities into one Leg, and efpoufes his Queen with it, as if he fat in the Stocks. He has more Tricks to avoid ren- counters with other EmbafTadors and Difputes of Precedence, than a Coward has to meet his Knemy in the Field ; and when he is engaged by Accident, has as many Expedients to fave his Honour harmlefs, as the learned Critics of the Sword have with curious and fubtle Con- templation found out. I 30. ] A P L A Y-W R I T E R OF our Times is like a Fanatic, that has no Wit in ordinary eafy Things, and yet attempts the hardeft Tufk of Brains in the whole World, only becaufe, whether his Play or Work pleafe or difpleafe, he is certain to come off better than he deferves, and find fome of his own Latitude to applaud him, which he could never expeft any other Way j and is as fure to lofe no Reputation, becaufe he has none to venture. Like gaming Rooks, that never flick To play for hundreds upon Tick, 'Caufe, if they chance to lofe at Play, Th'ave not one halfpenny to pay ; And, if they win a hundred Pound, Gain, if for Sixpence they compound. 302 A P L A Y-W R I T E R. Nothing encourages him more in his Under- taking than his Ignorance, for he has not Wit enough to underftand fo much as the Difficul- ty of what he attempts j therefore he runs on boldly like a foolhardy Wit, and Fortune, that favours Fools and the Bold, fometimes takes Notice of him for his double Capacity, and receives him into her good Graces. He has one Motive more, and that is the concurrent igno- rant Judgment of the prefent Age, in which his fottifh Fopperies pafs with Applaufe, like Oliver CrotmseFs Oratory among Fanatics of his own canting Inclination. He finds it eafier to write in Rhinie than Profe; for the World being overcharged with Romances, he finds his Plots, Paffions, > and Repartees ready made to his. Hand ; and if he can but turn them into Rhime, the Thievery is difguifed, and they pafs for his own Wit and Invention without Queftion > like, a ftolen Cloke made into a Coat, or dyed into another Colour. Befides this he makes no Con- fcience of ftealing any Thing that lights in his Way, and borrows the Advice of fo many to Correct, enlarge, and amend what he has ill- favouredly patcht together, that it becomes like a Thing drawn by Council, and none of his A P L A Y-W R I T E R. 303 own Performance, or the Son of a Whore that has no one certain Father. He has very great Reafon to prefer Verfe before Profe in his Com- pofitions j for Rhime is like Lace, that ferves excellently well to hide the Piecing and Coarf- nefs of a bad Stuff, contributes mightily to the Bulk, and makes the lefs ferve by the many Im- pertinencies it commonly requires to make Way for it -, for very few are endowed with Abilities to bring it in on its own Accompt. This he finds to be good Hufbandry, and a Kind of necefTary Thrift ; for they that have but a little ought to make as much of it as they can. His Prologue, which is commonly none of his own, is always better than his Play, like a Piece of Cloth that's fine in the Beginning and coarfe afterwards, though it has but one Topic, and that's the fame that is ufed by Malefactors, when they are to be tried, to except againft as many of the Jury as they can. A MOUNTEBANK f S an epidemic Phyfician, a Doftor-Errant, * that keeps himfelf up by being, like a Top, in Motion ; for if he fhould fettle, he would fall to nothing immediately. He is a Pedlar of Medicines, a petty Chapman of Cures, and Tinker empirical to the Body of Man. He flroles about to Markets and Fairs ; where he mounts on the Top of his Shop, that is his Bank, and publifhes his Medicines as univer- fal as himfelf; for every Thing is for all Dif- eafes, as himfelf is of all Places, that is to fay, of none. His Bufmefs is to fhew Tricks and Impudence : as for the Cure of Difeafes it con- cerns thofe that have them, not him, farther than to get their Money. His Pudding is his Setter, that lodges the Rabble for him, and then (lips him, who opens with a deep Mouth, and has an ill Day, if he does not run down fame. He baits his Patient's Body with his A MOUNTEBANK. 305 Medicines, as a Rat-catcher does a Room, and either poifons the Difeafe, or him. As foon as he has got all the Money, and fpent all the Credit the Rabble could fpare him, he then removes to frefli Quarters, where he is lefs known, and better trufted. If but one in twenty of his Medicines hit by Chance, when Nature works the Cure, it faves the Credit of all the reft, that either do no Good or Hurt for whofoever recovers in his Hands, he does the Work under God ; but if he die, God does it under him ; his Time was come, and there's an End. A Velvet Jerkin is his prime Quali- fication, by which he is diftinguifhed from his Pudding^ as He is with his Cap from him. This is the Ufher of his School, that draws the Rabble together, and then He draws their Teeth. He adminifters Phyfic with a Farce, and gives his Patients a Preparative of Dancing on the Rope, to ftir the Humours, and prepare them for Evacuation. His Fool ferves for his Foil, and fets him off, as well as his Bragging and Lying. The firfl Thing he vents is his own Praife, and then his Medicines wrapt up in leveral Papers and Lies. He mounts his Bank as a Vaulter does his wooden Horfe, and VOL. II. X 3 o6 A MOUNTEBANK. then fhews Tricks for his Patients, as Apes do for the King of Spain. He cafts the Nativity of Urinals, and tries Difeafes, like a Witch, by Water. He bails the Place with a Jigg, draws the Rabble together, and then throws his Hook among them. He pretends to uni- verfal Medicines, that is fuch, as, when all Men are fick together, will cure them all, but till then no one in particular. t 307 1 MODERN CRITIC T S a Corrector of the Prefs gratis j and as he * does it for nothing, fo it is to no Purpofe. He fancies himfelf Clerk of Stationers-Hall, and nothing muft pafs Current, that is not en- tered by him. He is very fevere in his fuppo- fed Office, and crys, Woe to ye Scribes., right or wrong. He fuppofes all Writers to be Male- factors without Clergy , that claim the Privi- lege of their Books, and will not allow it, where the Law of the Land and common Juftice does. He cenfures in grofs, and con- demns all without examining Particulars If they will not confefs and accufe themfelves, he will rack them until they do. He is a Com- mittee-Man in the Commonwealth of Letters, and as great a Tyrant ; fo is not bound to pro- ceed but by his own Rules, which he will not X 2 308 A MODERN CRITIC. endure to be difputed. He has been an Apo- cryphal Scribler himfelf; but his Writings wanting Authority he grew difcontent, and turned Apoflate, and thence becomes fo fevere to thofe of his own Profeflion. He never commends any Thing but in Oppofition to fomething elfe, that he would undervalue, and commonly fides with the weakefr, which is ge- nerous any where but in Judging. He is worfe than an Index expurgatorius ; for he blots out all, and, when he cannot find a Fault, makes one. He demurrs to all Writers, and when he is over-ruled, will run into Contempt. He is al- ways bringing Writs of Err our, like a Petti- fogger, and reverfing of Judgments, tho' the Cafe be never fo plain. He is a Mountebank, that is always quacking of the infirm and dif- eafed Parts of Books, to fhew his Skill -, but has nothing at all to do with the Sound. He is a very ungentle Reader, for he reads Sentence on all Authors, that have the Unhap- pinefs to come before him ; and therefore Pe- dants, that ftand in Fear of him, always ap- peal from him beforehand, by the Name of Momus and Zoilus, complain forely of his ex- trajudicial Proceedings, and proteft againfl A MODERN CRITIC. 309 him as corrupt, and his Judgment void and of none Effett ; and put themfelves into the Pro- tection of Come powerful Patron, who, like a Knight-Errant, is to encounter with the Magician, and free them from his Enchant- ments. [ 3' ] w T S a Perfon of great Complaifance, and very * civil to all that have Occafion to make Ufe of his Wife. He married a Wife as a com- mon Proxy for the Service of all thofe, that are willing to come in for their Shares He ingrofTed her firil by Wholefale, and fince puts her off by Retail He profefTes a Form of Matrimony, but utterly denies the Power there- of. They that tell Tales are very unjuft ; for having not put in their Claims before Marriage, they are bound for ever after to hold their Tongues. The Reafon why Citizens are com- monly Wittals is, becaufe Men that drive a Trade and are Dealers in the World, feldom provide any Thing for their own Ufes, which they will not very willingly put off again for confiderable Profit. He believes it to be but a vulgar Error, and no fuch Difparagement as the World commonly imagines, to be a Cuck- A W I T T A L. 311 old ; for Man being the Epitomy and Repre- fentation of all Creatures, cannot be faid to be perfect, while he wants that Badge and Cha- racter, which fo many feveral Species wear both for their Defence and Ornament. He takes the only wife and fure Courfe that his Wife fhould do him no Injury ; for having his own free Confent it is not in her Power that Way to do him any Wrong at all. His Wife is, like Eve in Paradife, married to all Mankind, and yet is unfatisfied that there are no more Worlds, as Alexander the Great was. She is a Perfon of public Capacity, and rather than not ferve her Country would fuffer an Army to march over her Belly, as Sir Rice ap 'Thomas did. Her Hufband and fhe give and take equal Liberty, which preferves a perfect Peace and good Un- derftanding between both ; while thofe, that are concerned in one another's Love and Ho- nour, are never quiet, but always catterwalling. He differs from a jealous Man, as a valiant Man does from a Coward, that trembles at a Danger, which the other fcorns and defpifes. He is of a true philofophical Temper, and furFers what he knows not how to avoid with a more than Stoical Refolution He is one of X 4 3 i2 A W I T T A L. thofe the Poet fpeaks of. incommoda Nee jaftarejugum^ vita di die ere Magiftra. He is as much pleafed to fee many Men ap- prove his Choice of his Wife 3 and has as great a Kindnefs for them, as Opiniaflers have for all thofe whom they find to agree with them- felves in Judgment, and approve the Abilities of their Underftandings. A BUSY MAN IS one, that feems to labour in every Man's Calling, but his own-; and like Robin-Good^ Fellow does any Man's Drudgery, that will let him. He is like an Ape, that loves to do what- foever he fees others do j and is always as bufy as a Child at Play. He is a great Undertaker, and commonly as great an Under-Performer. His Face is like a Lawyer's Buckram Bag, that has always Bufinefs in it j and as he trots about, his Head travels as fafl as his Feet. He covets his Neighbour's Bufinefs, and his own is to meddle, not do. He is very lavifh of his Advice, and gives it freely, becaufe it is worth nothing, and he knows not what to do with it himfelf. He is a common-Barreter for his Pleafure, that takes no Money, but pettifogs gratis. He is very inquifitive after every Man's Occafions, and charges himfelf with them like a public Notary. He is a great Overfeer of 3H A B U S Y M A N. State- Affairs ; and can judge as well of them before he understands the Reafons, as after- wards. He is excellent at preventing Incon- veniencies, and finding out Remedies, when 'tis too late ; for Uke Prophefies, they are never heard of till it is to no Purpofe. He is a great Reformer, always contriving of Expedients, and will prefs them with as much Earneftnefs, as if himfelf and every Man he meets had Power to impofe them on the Nation. He is always giving Aim to State Affairs, and be- lieves by fcrewing of his Body he can make them (hoot which Way he pleafes. He en- quires into every Man's Hiftory, and makes his own Commentaries upon it, as he pleafes to fancy it. He wonderfully affects to feem full of Employments, and borrows Men's Bufmefs only to put on and appear in ; and then returns it back again, only a little worfe. He fre- quents all public Places, and like a Pillar in the old Exchange is hung with all Men's Bufmefs both public and private j and his own is only to expofe them. He dreads nothing fo much as to be thought at Leifure, though he is never otherways, for though he be always doing, he never does any Thing. L ITI GI O U S MAN GOES to Law, as Men do to Bawdy- Houfes, to fpencl his Money, and fatisfy his Concupifcence of Wrangling. He is a con- ftant Cuflomer to the old reverend Gentlewo- man Law, and believes her to be very honeil, though (he picks his Pockets, and puts a thou- fand Tricks and Gulleries upon him. He has a ftrange Kindnefs for an Aftion of the Cafe, but a moil paflionate Loyalty for the Kings Writ. A well drawn Bill and Anfvver will draw him all the World over, and a Brevlate as far as the Line. He enters the Lilts at Weftminftcr, like an old Tilter, runs his Courfe in Law, and breaks an Oath or two inftead of a Lance ; and if he can but unhoiTe the Defendant, and get the Sentence of the Judges pn his Side, he marches off in Triumph. He 316 A LITIGIOUS MAN. prefers a Cry of Lawyers at the Bar before any Pack of the bell mouthed Dogs in all the North. He has commonly once a Term a Tryal of Skill with fomp other Profeflbr of the noble Science of Contention at the feveral Weapons of Bill and Anfwer, Forgery^ Per- jury, Subornation, Champarly, Affidavit, Com- mon Barretry, Maintenance^ &c. and, though he come off with the worft, he does not great- ly care, fo he can but have another Bout for it. He fights with Bags of Money, as they did heretofore with Sand-Bags, and he that has the heavieft has the Advantage, and knocks down the other right or wrong -, and he fuffers the Penalties of the Law for having no more Money to (how in the Cafe. He is a Client by his Order, and Votary of the long Robe j and though he were fure the Devil invented it to hide his cloven Feet, he has the greater Reverence for itj for as evil Manners pro- duce good Laws, the worfe the Inventor was, the better the Thing may be. He keeps as many Knights of the Poft to fwear for him, as the King does poor Knights at Windfor to pray for him. When he is Defendant and like to be worfted in a Suit, he puts in a Crofs j A LITIGIOUS MAN. 317 Bill, and becomes Plaintiff ; for the Plainant is eldeft Hand, and has not only that Ad- vantage, but is underftood to be the better Friend to the Court, and is confidered for it accordingly. [ 3'S DAN IS a dwarf Scholar, that never outgrows the Mode and Fafhion of the School, where he fhould have been taught. He wears his little Learning, unmade-up, puts it on, before it was half fmiihed, without preffing or fmooth- ing. He fludies and ufes Words with the greateft Refpect poflible, merely for their own Sakes, like an honeft Man, without any Re- gard of Intereft, as they are ufeful and fer- viceable to Things, and among thofe he is kind- eft to Strangers (like a civil Gentleman) that are far from their own Country and moft un- known. He collects old Sayings and Ends of Verfes, as Antiquaries do old Coins, and is as glad to produce them upon all Occafions. He has Sentences ready lying by him for all Pur- pofes, though to no one, and talks of Authors as familiarly as his Fellow-Collegiates. He will A PEDANT. 319 challenge Acquaintance with thofe, he never favv before, and pretend to intimate Knowledge of thofe, he has only heard of. He is wdl flored with Terms of Art, but does not know how to ufe them, like a Country-Fellow, that carries his Gloves in his Hands, not his Hands in his Gloves. He handles Arts and Sciences like thofe, that can play a little upon an In- ftrument, but do not know, whether it be in Tune or not. He converfes by the Books and does not talk, but quote. If he can but fcrevv in fomething, that an ancient Writer faid, he believes it to be much better than if he had fomething of himfelf 19 the Purpofe. His Brain is not able to concoft what it takes in, and therefore brings things up as they were fwallowed, that is, crude and undigefted, in whole Sentences, not affimilated Senfe, which he rather affects ; for his Want of Judgment, like Want of ' Health, renders his Appetite prepofterous. He pumps for affected and far- fet Expreffions, and they always prove as far from the Purpofe. He admires Canting above Senfe, He is worfe than one, that is utterly ignorant, as a Cock that fees a little, fights worfe than one, that is ftark-blind. He i peaks in a different Dialect from other Men, 320 A PEDANT. and much affects forced Expreffions, for- getting that hard V/ords^ as well as evil ones y cor- rupt good Manners. He can do nothing, like a Conjurer, out of the Circle of his Arts, nor in it without canting and .... If he pro- fefles Phyfic, he gives his Patients found hard Words for their Money, as cheap as he can afford ; for they coil him Money and Study too, before he came by them, and he has Reafon to make as much of them as he can. [ 32' ] HUNTER IS an auxiliary Hound, that affifrs one Na- tion of Beafls to fubdue and over-run ano- ther. He makes mortal War with the Fox for committing A6h of Hoftility againft hi s Poultry. He is very felicitous to have his Dogs well defcended of worfhipful Families, and un- derftands their Pedigree as learnedly as if he were a Herald; and is as careful to match them according to their Rank and Qualities, as High-Germans are of their own Progenies. He is both Cook and Phyfician to his Hounds, underftands the Conftitutions of their Bodies, and what to adminilter in any Infirmity or Dif- eafe, acute or chronic, that can befal them. Nor is he lefs Ikilful in Phyfiognomy, and from the Afpefts of their Faces, Shape of their Snouts, falling of their Ears and Lips, and Make of their Barrels will give a fhrewd Guefs VOL. II. Y 322 A HUNTER. at their Inclinations, Parts, and Abilities, and what Parents they are lineally defcended from ; and by the Tones of their Voices and Statures of their Perfons eafily difcover, what Country they are Natives of. He believes no Mufic in the World is comparable to a Chorus of their Voices, and that when they are well matched they will hunt their Parts as true at firft Scent, as the beft Singers of Catches, that ever opened in a Tavern, that they underhand the Scale as well as the beft Scholar, that ever learned to compofe by the Mathematics ; and that when he winds his Horn to them, 'tis the very fame Thing with a Cornet in a Quire ; that they will run down the Hare with a Fuge, and a double D-fol-re-Dog hunt a thorough-bafe to them all the while \ that when they are at a k>fs they do but reft, and then they know by turns who are to continue a Dialogue between two or three of them, of which he is com- monly one himfelf. He takes very great Pains jn his Way, but calls it Game and Sport, be- taufe it is to no Purpofc ; and he is willing to make as much of it as he can \ and not be thought to beftow fo much Labour and Pains about nothing. Let the Hare take which Way fhe will, ihe feldora fails to lead him at long- A ti V ft f It running to the Alehoufe, where he meets with an Aftergame of Delight; in making up a Nar* rative, how every Dog behaved himfelf j which is never done without long Difpute, every Man inclining to favour his Friend as far as he can ; and if there be any Thing remarkable* to his Thinking, in it, he preserves it to pleafe himfelf; and, as he believes, all People elfe todthi during his natural Life, and after leaves it to his Heirs Male entailed upon the Family ^ with his Bugle-Horn and y 2 [ 3H ] HUMORIST IS a peculiar Fantaftic, that has a wonderful natural Affection to fome particular Kind of Folly, to which he applies himfelf, and in Time becomes eminent. 'Tis commonly fome out-lying Whimfie of Bedlam , that being tame and unhurtful is fuffered to go at Liberty. The more ferious he is, the more ridiculous he be- comes, and at the fame Time pleafes himfelf in Earneft, and others in Jeft. He knows no mean j for that is inconfiftent with all Humour, which is never found but in fome Extreme or other. Whatfoever he takes to, he is very full of, and believes every Man elfe to be fo too ; as if his own Taile were the fame in every Man's Palate. If he be a Virtuofo y he applies himfelf with fo much Earneftnefs to what he undertakes, that he puts his Reafon out of Joint, and ftrains his Judgment : And there is hardly any Thing in the World fo flight or 3 A HUMORIST. 325 ferious, that fome one or other has not fquan- dered away his Brains, and Time, and Fortune upon, to no other Purpofe, but to be ridicu- lous. He is exempted from a dark Room and a Doctor, becaufe there is , no Danger in his Frenzy j otherwife he has as good a Title to frefli Straw as another. Humour is but a Crookednefs of the Mind, a difproportioned Swelling of the Brain, that draws the Nourifh- " ment from the other Parts, to fluff an ugly and deformed Crup-Shoulder. If it have the Luck to meet with many of its own Temper, inflead of being ridiculous, it becomes a Church, and from Jefl grows to Earned. t 3*6 1 A O F A FACTION SETS the Pfalm, and all his Party fmg after him. He is like a Figure in Arith- metic, the more Ciphers he ftands before, the more his Value amounts to. He is a great Haranguer, talks himfelf into Authority, and> like a Parrot, climbs with his Beak. He ap- pears brave in the Head of his Party, but braver in his own j for Vain-Glory leads him, as he does them, and both many Times out of the King's Highway, over Hedges and Ditches, to find out Bye-ways and fhorter Cuts, which generally prove the furtheft about, but never the neareft Home again. He is fo paflionate a Lover of the Liberty of the People, that hj A LEADER OF A FACTION. 327 Fondnefs turns to Jealoufy He interprets every Trifle in the worft Senfe to the Prejudice of her Honefty, and is fo full of Caprices and Scruples, that, if he had his Will, he would have her (hut up, and never fuffered to go abroad again, if not made away, for her In- continence. All his Politics are fpeculative, and for the moft part impracticable, full of curious Niceties, that tend only to prevent future imaginary Inconvenkncies with greater real and prefent. He is very fuperftitious of having the Formalities and Punctilios of Law held facred, that, while they are performing, thofe, that would deftroy the very Being of it, may have Time to do their Bufmefs, o; efcape. He bends all his Forces againft thofe that are above him, and like a freeborn Englift MaftifF, plays always at the Head. He gathers his Party as Fanatics do a Church, and admits all his Admirers how weak and flight foever ; for he believes it is Argument of Wifdom enough jn them to admire, or, as he has it, to urider- ftand him. When he has led his Faction into any Inconvenience, they all run into his Mouth, as young Snakes do into the old ones, and he defends them with his Orator as well as he 328 A LEADER OF A FACTION. is able ; for all his Confidence depends upon his Tongue more than his Brain or Heart, and if that fail the others furrender immediately j for though David fays it is a two-edged Sword, a wooden Dagger is a better Weapon to fight with. His Judgment is like a nice Ballance, that will turn with the twentieth Part of a Grain, but a little ufing renders it falfe, and it is not fo good for ufe as one, that will not ftir without a greater Weight. [ 329 ] A DEBAUCHED MAN OAVES the Devil a Labour, and leads ^ himfelf into Temptation, being loath to lofe his good Favour in giving him any Trou- ble, where he can do the Bufinefs himfelf without his Afliftance, which he very pru- dently referves for Matters of greater Concern- ment. He governs himfelf in an arbitrary Way, and is abfolute, without being confined to any Thing but his own Will and Pleafure, which he makes his Law. His Life is all Re- creation, and his Diverfions nothing but turn- ing from one Vice, that he is weary of, to entertain himfelf with another that is frefh. He lives above the State of his Body as well as his Fortune, and runs out of his Health and Money, as if he had made a Match and betted on the Race, or bid the Devil take the Hindmoft. He is an amphibious Animal, that 330 A DEBAUCHED MAN. lives in two Elements wet and dry ; and never comes out of the firft, but, like a Sea-Calf, to ileep on the Shore. His Language is very luitable to his Converfation, and he talks as loofely as he lives. Ribaldry and Profana- tion are his Doftrine and Ufe ; and what he profefies publicly he pradtifes very carefully in his Life and Converfation, not like thofe Clergymen, that to fave the Souls of other Men condemn themfelves out of their own Mouths. His whole Life is nothing but a perpetual Lordfbip of Mifrule, and a conftant Ramble Day and Night as long as it lafts, which is not accoiding to the Courfe of Nature, but its own Courfe j for he cuts off the latter End of it, like a primed Vine, that it may bear the more Wine, although it be the fhorter. As for that which is left, he is as lavifh of it as he is of every Thing elfe j for he fleeps all Day, and fits up all Night, that he may not fee how it pafYes, until, like one that travels in a Litter and fleeps, he is at his Journey's End before he aware 5 for he is fpirited away by his Vices, and clapped under Hatches, where he never knows whither he is going, until he is at the End of his 'Voyage. I 33' ] THE SEDITIOUS MAN T S a civil Mutineer, and as all Mutinies for * the moft Part are for Pay, if it were not for that he would never trouble himfelf with it. His Bufmefs is to kindle and blow up Difcon- tents againft the Government, that, when they are inflamed, he may have* the fairer Oppor- tunity to rob and plunder, while thofe, that are concerned, are employed in quenching it. He endeavours to raife Tumults, and, if he can, civil War, a Remedy which no Man, that means well to his Country, can endure to think on, though the pifeafe were never ib defperate. He is a State-Mountebank, whofe Bufmefs is to perfuade the People that they are not well in Health, that he may get their Money to make them worfe. If he be a preacher, he has the Advantage of all others of his Tribe -, for he has a Way to vent Sedition by Wholesale j and as the fouleil Purpofes have 332 THE SEDITIOUS MAN. moft need of the fairefl Pretences j fo when Sedition is mafked under the Veil of Piety, Re- ligion, Conference, and holy Duty, it propa- gates wonderfully among the Rabble, and he vents more in an Hour from the Pulpit, than others by News and Politics can do in a Week. Next him Writers and Libellers are moft per- nicious j for though the Contagion they dif- perfe fpreads flower and with lefs Force than preaching, yet it lafts longer, and in Time extends to more, and with lefs Danger to the Author, who is not eafily difcovered, if he ufe any Care to conceal himfelf. And therefore as we fee flinging Flies vex and provoke Cattle rnoft immediately before Storms: fo Multitudes of thofe Kinds of Vermin do always appear to flir up the People, before the Beginning of all troublefome Times j and nobody knows who they are, or from whence they came, but only that they were printed the prefent Year, that they may not lofe the Advantage of being known to be new. Some do it only out of Humour and Envy, or defire to fee thofe that are above them pulled down, and others raifed in their Places; as if they held it a Kind of Freedom to change their Governours, though they continue in the fame Condition themfelves THE SEDITIOUS MAN. 333 ftill, only they are a little better pleafed with it, in obferving the Dangers Greatnefs is expofed to. He delights in nothing fb much as civil Commotions, and like a Porpoife always plays before a Storm. Paper and Tinder are both made of the fame material Rags; but he con- verts them both into the fame again, and makes his Paper Tinder. [ 334 ] A N AFFECTED MAN CARRIES himfelf like his Difh (as the Proverb fays) very uprightly, without fpilling one Drop of his Humour. He is an Orator and Rhetorician, that delights in Flowers and Ornaments of his own devifing to pleafe himfelf, and others that laugh at him. He is of a leaden dull Temper, that {lands ftiff, as It is bent, to all crooked Lines, but never to the Right. When he thinks to appear moft graceful, he adorns himfelf moft ill favouredly, like an Indian that wears Jewels in his Lips and Noflrils. His Words and Geftures are all as fliff as Buckram, and he talks as if his Lips' were turned up as well as his Beard. All his Motions are regular as if he went by Clock- work, and he goes very true to the Nick as he is fet. He has certain favourite Words and Expreffions, which he makes very much of^ as he has Reafon to do, for they ferve him upon AN" AFFECTED MAN. 335 all Occafions, and are never out of the Way when he has ufe of them, as they have Leifure enough to do; for nobody elfe has any Occa- fion for them but himfelf. All his Affecla- tions are forced and ftolen from others, and though they become fome particular Perfons where they grow naturally, as a Flower does on its Stalk, he thinks they will do fo by him, when they are pulled and dead. He puts Words and Language out of its ordinary Pace, and breaks it to his own Fancy, which makes it go fo uneafy in a Shuffle, which it has not been ufed to, He delivers hipifelf in a forced Way like one that fmgs with a feigned Voice beyond his natural Compafs. He loves the Sound of Words better than the Senfe, and will rather venture to incur Nonfenfe than leave out a Word, that he has a Kindnefs for. If he be a Statefman, the /lighter and meaner his Employments are, the bigger he looks, as an Ounce of Tin fwells and looks bigger than an Ounce of Gold; and his Affectations -of Gravity are the moft defperate of all, as the Aphorifm fays Madnefs of Study and Con- fideration are harder to 'be cured than thofe of lighter and more fantaftic Humour. [ 336 ] MEDICINE-TAKER HAS a fickly Mind, and believes the In- firmity is in his Body ; like one, that draws the wrong Tooth, and fancies his Pain in the wrong Place. The lefs he underftands the Reafon of Phyfic, the ftronger Faith he has in it, as it commonly fares in all other Af- fairs of the World. His Difeafe is only in his Judgment, which makes him believe a Doctor can fetch it out of his Stomach, or his Belly ; and fright thofe Worms out of his Guts, that are bred in his Brain. He believes a Doctor is a Kind of Conjurer, that can do flrange Things, and he is as willing to have him think fo ; for by that means he does not only get his Money, but finds himfelf in fome Poflibility, by com, plying with that Fancy, to do him good for it, which he could never expect to do any other Way ; for like thofe that have been cured by A MEDICINE-TAKER. 337 drinking their own Water, his own Imagina- tion is a better Medicine than any the Doctor knows how to prefcribe, even as the Weapon- Salve cures a Wound by being applied to that which made it. He is no fooner well, but any Story or Lye of a new famous Doctor, or ftrange Cure puts him into a Relapfe, and he falls fick of a Medicine inflead of a Difeafe, and catches Phyfic, like him that fell into a Loofenefs at the Sight of a Purge. He never knows when he is well, nor fick, but is always tampering with his Health till he has fpoiled it, like a foolifh Mufician, that breaks his Strings with flriving to put them in Tune ; for Nature, which is Phyjicy underftands better how to do her own Work than thofe that take it from her at fecond hand. Hippocrates fays Ars longa, Fit a brevis, and it is the trued of all his Apho- rifms, For he thats givn much to the long Art, Does not prolong his Life, but cut itjhort. VOL. II. THE RUDE MAN TS an Oftfo-Goth, or northern Bun, that * wherefoever he comes, invades and all the World does overrun, without Diftinftion of Age, Sex, or Quality. He has no Regard to any Thing but his own Humour, and that he expects Jhould pafs every where without afking Leave, or being afked wherefore, as if he had a Safe-conduct for his Rudenefs. He rolls up himfelf, like a Hedgehog, in his Prickles, and is as untraclable to all that come near him. He is an ill-defigned Piece, built after the ruftic Order j and all his Parts look too big for theii' Height. He is fo ill con-* trived, that that which fhould be the Top in all regular Structures, i. e. Confidence, is his Foundation. He has neither Doctrine nor Difcip'line in him, like a fanatic Church, but T H E R U D E M A N. 339 is guided by the very fame Spirit, that dipped the Herd of Swine in the Sea. He was not bred but reared, not brought up to Hand, but fuffered to run wild, and take after his Kind, as other People of the Pafture do. He takes that Freedom in all Places, as if he were not at Liberty, but had broken loofe, and expe6t- ed to be tied up again. He does not eat but feed, and when he drinks goes to Water. The old Romans beat the barbarous Part of the World into Civility ; but if he had lived in thofe Times he had been invincible to all At- tempts of that Nature, and hoarder to be fub- dued and governed than a Province. He eats his Bread, according to the Curfe, with the Sweat of his Brows, and takes as much Pains at a Meal as if he earn'd it ; puffs and blows like a Horfe that eats- Provender, and crams his Throat like a fcrewed Gun with a Bullet bigger than the Bore. His Tongue runs perpetually over every Thing that comes in its Way, with- out Regard of what, where, or to whom 3 and nothing but a greater Rudenefs than his own can ftand before it > and he ufes it to as floven- by Purpofes as a Dog does, that licks his Sores Z 2 340 THE RUDE MAN. and the Dirt off his Feet. He is the beft In- flance of the Truth of Pythagoras 's Doftrine, for his Soul paft through all Sorts of brute Beads before it came to him, and ft ill re- tains fomething of the Nature of every one. THE MISER IS like the Sea, that is faid to be richer than the Land, but is not able to make any Ufe of it at all, and only keeps it from thofe that know how to enjoy it if they had it. The Devil nnderflood his Bufinefs very well, when he made Choice of Judas s Avarice to betray Chrijl j for no other Vice would have undertaken it; and it is to be feared, that his Vicars now on Earth, by the Tendernefs they have to the Bag, do not ufe him much better than his Steward did then. He ga- thers Wealth to no Purpofe but to fatisfy his Avarice, that has no End ; and afflicts himfelf to poffefs that, which he is of all Men the moft incapable of ever obtaining. His Treafure is in his Hands in the fame Condi- tion as if it were buried under Ground, and 23 342 THE MJSER, watched by an evil Spirit. His Defires are like the bottomlefs Pit which he is deftined to; for the one is as foon filled as the other. He fhuts up his Money in clqfe Cuftody ; and that, which has Power to open all Locks, is not able to fet itfelf at Liberty. Jf he eve\* lets it out, it is upon good Bail and Mainprize, to render itfelf Prifoner again, whenfoever it fhall be lummoned. He loves Wealth as an, Eunuch does Women, whom he has no Pofli- bility of enjoying, or one that is bewitched with an Impotency, or taken with the Falling- Sicknefs. His greedy Appetite to Riches is but a Kind of Dog-Hunger, that never digefts what it devours j but ilill the greedier and more eager it crams itfelf becomes more meager. He finds that Ink and Parchment preferves Money better than an iron Cheft and Parfrmony, like the Memories of Men that lye dead and burie.d when they are committed to Brafs and Marble, but revive and flourish when they are trufted to authentic Writings, and encreafe by being ufed. If he had lived among the Jews in the Wil.dernefs, he would have been one of their chief Reformers, and have worshipped any Thing that is cafl in Gold, though a fillier Creature than a Calf, St. John in the Re vela- THE M I S E- R. 343 tions defcribes the new Jentfalemto be built all of Gold and Silver and precious Stones j for the Saints commonly take fo much Delight in thofe Creatures, that nothing elfe could prevail with them ever to come thither : and as thofe Times are called the golden Age, in which there was no Gold at all in ufe j fo Men are reputed godly and rich, that make no Ufe at all of their Religion or Wealth. All that he has gotten together with perpetual Pains ^nd Indurtry is not Wealth, but a Collection, which he intends to keep by him more for his own Diverfion than any other Ufe j and he that made Ducks and Drakes witfi his Money en- joyed it every Way as much. He makes nd Confcience of any Thing but parting with his Money, which is no better than, a Separation of Soul and Body to ,him, and he believes it to be as bad as felf-Murther if he fhould do it willfully ; for the Price of the Weapon, with which a Man is killed, is always efteemed a very confiderable Circumftance, and next to not having the Fear of God before his Eyes. He loves the Bowels of the Earth broiled on the Coals above any other Cookery in the World. He is a Slave condemned to the Mines. He Z 4 344 THE M I S E R. laughs at the golden Mean as ridiculous, and believes there is no fuch Thing in the World ; for how can there be a Mean of that, of which no Man ever had enough ? He loves the World fo well, that he would willingly lofe himfelf to fave any Thing by it. His Riches are like a Dunghil, that renders the Ground unprofitable that it lies upon, and is good for nothing, un- til it be fpread and fcattered abroad. [ 345 ] RABBLE IS a Congregation, or Affembly of the States- General fent from their feveral and refpec- tive Shops, Stalls, and Garrets. They are full of Controverfy, and every one of a feveral Judgment concerning the Bufmefs under pre- fent Confideration, whether it be Mountebank,' Show, Hanging, or Ballad-Singer. They meet, like Democritus's Atoms in vacua, and by a fortuitous Juflling together produce the greater!: and mod favage Beaft in the whole World: For, tho' the Members of it may have fomething of human Nature, while they are afunder, when they are put together, they have none at all - y as a Multitude of feveral Sounds make one great Noife unlike all the reft, in which no one Particular is diftinguiili- ed. They are a great Dunghill, where all 346 A R A B B L E. Sorts of dirty and nafty Humours meet, {link, and ferment ; for all the Parts are in a perpe- tual Tumult. 'Tis no wonder, they make ftrange Churches, for they take naturally to any Impofture, and have a great Antipathy to Truth and Order, as being contrary to their original Confufion. They are a Herd of Swine poifeft with a dry Devil, that run after Hang- ing, inftead of Drowning. Once a Month they go on Pilgrimage to the Gallows, to vifit the SepulcTires of their Anceftors, as the Turks- do once a Week. When they come there they fmg Pfalms, quarrel, and return full of Satis, faction and Narrative. /When they break loofe they are like a public Ruin, in which the higheft Parts lye undermoft, and make the nobleft 'Fabrics heaps of Rubbifh. They are like the Sea, that's ftirred into a Tumult with every Blaft of Wind, that blows upon it, till it become a watry Afpenine, and heap Moun- tain Billows upon one another, as once the Giants did in the War with Heaven.j A Crowd is their proper Element, in which they make therr Way with their Shoulders, as Pigs creep through Hedges. Nothing in the World de- lights them fo much as the Ruin of great A R A B B L E. 347 Perfons, or any Calamity, in which they have no Share, though they get nothing by it. They love nothing but themfelves in the Likenefs of one another, and, like Sheep, run all that Way, the fir ft goes, efpecially if it be againft their Governors, whom they have a natural Difaffeftion to. t 348 ] SH OPKEEPER LIVES by the Labour of his own Tongue and other Men's Hands -, and gains more by his flat downright Lying, than the Artifi- cer does by all his Induftry, Pains and Inge~ nuity : for his Tongue is a Kind of Taylor's Goofe or hot Prefs, with which he fets the laft Glofs upon his coarfe decayed Wares. His chief Qualification confuts in a confident Out- facing of Truth, and perfuading his Cuflo- mers to believe him rather than their own Senfes, which they have little Reafon to do ; for he, that will ufe falfe Lights, falfe Weights, and falfe Meafures, will never flick at falfe Words : and as the more he ftretches his Stuffs in the Meafure the fcantier it always proves 5 fo the more he commends it the worfe it after- wards appears upon Trial. The greateft Kazs d he runs is Trufting, which yet he knows how to infurej for as when he takes a Thief A SHOPKEEPER. 349 he makes him pay for all and more than he has loft by other Thieves : fo when he trufts, it is at fuch a Rate, that he that pays him pays for all thofe that do not. He walks in his Shop with a Yard always in his Hand inftead of a Staff, that it may wear fhorter and fave his Conference harmlefs, if he fhould have Oc- cafion to fwearit was never cut fince he had it- His Cuftom of Lying, and the Profit he re- ceives by it produces a Kind of natural Inclina- tion in him to all Sorts of Impoftors, and therefore he is as eafily cheated but of his Way, as he cheats others in it, takes naturally to all fanatic Whimfies in Religio,n, and is as eafily mifled by a feditious Teacher, as a Child is by a Jamaica Spirit ; as for Truth he gains nothing by it, and therefore will have nothing to da with it. He never troubles his Head with Spe- culations but only in Divinity and Politics, in which his Ignorance is fo prevailing, that he believes himfelf a great deal abler than his Governors. He fets a value on his Commo- dities, not according to their true Worth, but the Ignorance of the Buyers j and always fells cheapeft to thofe whom he finds to underftand molt of his Trade ; but he that leaves it to him is fure to bs cheated ; for he that lives by Lying 350 A SHOPKEEPER. will never be fcrupulous in taking Money foi 4 his Reputation. He calls his profeffion a Myftery, which being rightly interpreted by his Practice fignifies only this That as all Turks are Tradefmen, even fo all Tradefmen are Turks. His falfe Lights are a Kind oiDeceptio vifus, with which he cafts a Mifl, like a Conjurer, before the Eyes of his Cuflomers, that they may take no Notice of the Imperfections and Infirmities of his fpotted and flained Stuffs, until it is too late. The more Truft Men repofe in him, the more he is fare to cheat them, as Taylors all ways make the Cloaths of thofe fcantieft, who allow them the largeit Meafure Thofe of the fame Trade commonly fet up together in a Street, as Rooks build together in a Tuft of Trees. Country Gentlemen always defign the leaft hopeful of their Children to Trades, and out of that Stock the City is fupplied with that fottifh Ignorance, which we fee it perpetually abound with. [ 35' 1 (QUAKER IS a Scoundrel Saint, of an Order without Founder, Vow, or Rule ; for he will not fwear, nor be tyed to any Thing, but his own Humour. He is the Link-Boy of the Sectaries, and talks much of his Light, but puts it under a BuQiel, for nobody can fee it but himfelf. His Religion is but the cold Fit of an Ague, and his Zeal of a contrary Temper to that of all others, yet produces the fame Effects ; as cold Iron in Greenland, they fay, burns as well as hot; which makes him delight, like a Salamander, to live in the Fire of Perfection. He works out his Salvation, not with Fear, but Confidence and Trembling. His Profefllon is but a Kind of Winter- Religion ; and the Original of it as uncertain as the hatching of Woodcocks, for no Man can tell from whence it came. He Vapours much of the Light within him, but no fuch Thing appears, unlefs he means as he 3 352 A Q^ U A K E R. is light-headed. He believes he takes up the Crofs in being crofs to all Mankind. He de- lights in Perfecution, as fome old extravagant Fornicators find a Lechery in being whipt; and has no Ambition but to go to Heaven in what he calls a fiery Chariot, that is, a Wood- monger's Faggot Cart. You may perceive he has a Crack in his Skull by the flat Twang of his Nofe, and the great Care he takes to keep his Hat on, left his fickly Brains, if he have any, fhould take Cold at it. He believes his Doctrine to be heavenly, becaufe it agrees per- fectly with the Motus Trepidationis. All his Hopes are in the Turks overrunning of Chrif- tendom, becaufe he has heard they count Fools and Madmen Saints, and doubts not to pafs .mutter with them for great Abilities that Way- This makes hirri believe he can convert the Turk, tho' he could do no good on the Pope, or the Prejbyterian. Nothing comes fo near his quak- ing Liturgy, as the Papiftical Pofleflions of the Devil, with which it conforms in Difcipline exact. His Church, or rather Chapel, is built upon a flat Sand, without fuperior or inferior in it, and not upon a Rock, which is never found without great Inequalities. Next De- moniacs he moil refembles the Reprobate, who A Q_U A K E R. 353 -are faid to be condemned to Weeping and Cnafhing of Teeth. There was a Botcher of their Church, that renounced his Trade and turned Preacher, becaufe he held it fuperftiti- ous to fit crofs-legged. His Devotion is but a Kind of fpiritual Palfy, that proceeds from a Diftemper in the Brain, where the Nerves are rooted. They abhor the Church of England* but conform exactly with thofe primitive Fa- thers of their Church, that heretofore gave An- fwers at the Devil's Oracles, in which they ob- ferved the very fame Ceremony of quaking and and gaping now praftifed by our modern En_ thufiafts at their Exorcifms, rather than Ex- crcifes of Devotion. He fucks in the Air like a Pair of Bellows, and blows his inward Light with it, till he dung Fire, as Cattle do in Lin- colnjhire. The general Ignorance of their whole Party make it appear, that whatfoever their Zeal may be, it is not according to Know- ledge. VOL. II. A a t 354 ] A SWEARER T S one, that fells the Devil the beft Penny- * worth that he meets with any where ; and like the Indians, that part with Gold for Glafs- Beads, he damns his Soul for the flighteft Trifles imaginable. He betroths himfelf oftner to the Devil in one Day, than Mecanas did in a Week to his Wife, that he was married a thou- fand times to. His Difcourfe is inlaid with Oaths, as the Gallows is with Nails, to fortify it againft the AfTaults of thofe, whofe Friends have made it their Death-bed. He takes a pre^ pofterous Courfe to be believed, and perfuade you to credit what he fays, by faying that, which at the beft he does not mean ; for all the Excufe he has for his voluntary damning of himfelf is, that he means nothing by it. He is as much miftaken in what he does intend A SWEARER. 355 really j for that which he takes for the Orna- ment of his Language renders it the moft odi- ous and abominable. His Cuftom of Swearing takes away the Senfe of his Saying. His Oaths are but a difiblute Formality of Speech, and the worft Kind of Affectation. He is a Knight - Baronet of the Poft, or Gentleman Blafphemer, that fwears for his Pleafure only, a Lay-affida- vit Man y in Voto only, and not in Orders. He learned to fwear, as Magpies do to fpeak, by hearing others. He talks nothing but Bell, Book> and Candle, and delivers himfelf over to Satan oftner than a Prejbyterian Claflis would do. He plays with the Devil for fport only, and flakes his Soul to nothing. He over- charges his Oaths till they break, and hurt himfelf only. He difcharges them as fail as a Gun, that will moot nine times with one loading. He is the Devil's Votary, and fails not to commend himfelf into his Tuition upon all Occafions. He outfwears an Exorcift, and outlies the Legend. His Oaths are of a wider Bore and louder Report than thofe of an or- dinary Perjurer, but yet they do not half the Execution. Sometimes he refolves to leave it, A a 3 356 A SWEARER. but not too fuddenly, left it fhould prove un- wholefome, and injurious to his Health, but by Degrees as he took it up. Swearing fhould appear to be the greateft of Sins ; for tho' the Scripture fays, God fees no Sin in his Children) it does not fay he hears none. [ 357 ] THE LUXURIOUS PLACES all Enjoyment in fpending, as a covetous Man does in getting, and both are treated at a Witch's Feafl, where nothing feeds but only the Imagination : and like two Madmen, that believe themfelves to be the fame Prince, laugh at one another. He values his Pleafures as they do honour, by the Difficulty and Deamefs of the Purchafe, not the Worth of the Thing ; and the more he pays the better he believes he ought to be pleafed, as Women are fondeft of thofe Children, which they have groaned molt for. His Tongue is like a great Practifer's in Law j for as the one will not ftir, fo the other will not tafle without a great Fee. He never reckons what a Thing cofts by what it is worth, but what it is worth by what it cofts. All his Senfes are like corrupt Judges, that will underftand nothing, until they are Aa 3 35 3 THE LUXURIOUS. thoroughly informed and fatisfied with a con- vincing Bribe. He relifhes no Meat but by the Rate ; and a high Price is like Sauce to it, that gives it a high Tafte, and renders it favoury to his Palate. He believes there is nothing dear, nor ought to be fo, that does not coil much, and that the dearefl bought is always the cheaper!:. He taftes all Wines by the Small- nefs of the Bottles, and the Greatnefs of the Price j and when he is over-reckoned takes it as an extraordinary Value fet upon him, as Dutchmen always reckon by the Dignity of the Perfon, not the Charge of the Entertainment he receives, put his Quality and Titles into the Bill of Fare, and make him pay for feeding upon his own Honour and Right- Worfhip, which he brought along with him. He de- bauches his Gluttony with an unnatural Appe- tite to Things never intended for Food, like pre- pofterous Venery, or the unnatural Mixtures of Beafts of feveral Kinds. He is as curious of his Pleafures as an Antiquary of his Rari- ties, and cares for none but fuch as are very choice and difficult to be gotten, difdains any Thing that is common, unlefs it be his Wo- men, which he efleems a common Good, and therefore the more communicative the better. THE LUXURIOUS. 359 All his Vices are like, Children that have been nicely bred, a great Charge to him, and it cofts him dear to maintain them like themfelves, ac- cording to their Birth and Breeding > but he, like a tender Parent, had rather fuffer.Want himfelf than they fhould: for he confiders, a Man's Vices are his own Flefh and Blood, and though they are but By-blows he is bound to provide for them, out of natural Affection, as well as if they were lawfully begotten. A N UNGRATEFUL MAN IS like Duft in the Highway, that flies in the Face of thofe that raife it. He that is un- grateful .is all Things that are amifs He is like the Devi/, that feeks the Deftruction of thofe nioft of all, that do him the heft Ser- vice ; or an unhealthful Sinner, that receives Pleafure > and returns nothing but Pox and Difeaies. He receives Obligations from all that he can, but they prefently become 'void and of none Efett ; for good Offices fare with him like Death, from which there is no Return. His Ill-nature is lik& an ill Stomach, that turns its Nourifhment into bad Humours. He fhould be a Man of very great Civilities j for he re- ceives all that he can, but never parts with any. He is like a barren Soil, plant what you will on him, it will never grow j nor any Thing but Thorns and Thiftles, that came in with the AN UNGRATEFUL MAN 3 6r Curfe. His Mother died in Childbed of him j for he is defcended of the Generation of Vi- pers, in which the Dam always eats off the Sire's Head, and the young ones their Way through her Belly. He is like a Hoife in a Failure, that eats up the Grafs, and dungs it in Requital. He puts the Benefits he receives from others and his own Faults together in that End of the Sack, which he carries behind his Back. His ill-Nature, like a contagious Dif_ eafe, infects others that are of themfelves good, who obferving his Ingratitude become lefs in- clined to do good, than other wife they would be : And as the fweeteft Wine, if ill pre- ferved, becomes the foureft Vinegar ; fo the greateft Endearments with him turn to the bittereft Injuries. He has an admirable Art of Forgetfulnefs, and no fooner re- ceives a Kindnefs, but he owns it by Prefcrip- tion, and claims from Time out of Mind. All his Acknowledgments appear before his Ends are ferved, but never after, and, like Occafion, grow very thick before, but bare behind. He is like a River, that runs away from the Spring that feeds it, and undermines the Banks that fupport it; or like Vice and Sin, that deftroy thole that are moft addicted to it ; or the Hang- 362 AN UNGRATEFUL MAN. man, that breaks the Necks of thofe whom he gets his Living by, and whips thofe that find him Employment, and brands his Mafters that fet him on Work. He pleads the Aft of O- blivion for all the good Deeds that are done him, and pardons himfelf for the evil Returns he makes. He never looks backward (like a right Statefman) and Things that are part are all one with him, as if they had never been : And as Witches, they fay, hurt thofe only from whom they can get fomething and have a Hank upon -, he no fooner receives a Benefit, but he con- verts it to the Injury of that Perfon, who con- ferred it on him It fares with Perfons as with Families, that think better of themfelves, the further they are off their firfl Raifers. K N I G H O F T H E P O S IS a Retailer of Oaths, a Depofition-Mon- ger, an Evidence-Maker that lives by the Labour of his Confcience. He takes Money to kifs the Gofpel, as Judas did Chrift y when he betrayed him. As a good Confcience is a continual Feaft -, fo an ill one is with him his daily Food. He plyy at a Court of Juflice, as Porters do at a Market -, and his Bufmefs is to bear Witnefs, as they do Burthens, for any Man that will pay them for it. He will fwear his Ears through an Inch-Board, and wears them merely by Favour of the Court; for being Amicus curice^ they are willing to let him keep the Pillory out of PofTeffion, though he has forfeited his Right never fo often : For when he is once outed of S A KNIGHT OF THE POSf. his Ears, he is pad his Labour, and can dd the Commonwealth of Praetifers no more Service. He is a falfe Weight in the Ballance of Juftice ; and as a Lawyer's Tongue is the Tongue of the Ballance, that inclines either Way, according as the Weight of the Bribe inclines it, fo does his. He lays one Hand on the Book, and the other is in the Plaintiff's or Defendant's Pocket. He feeds upon his Con- fcience, as a Monkey eats his Tail. He kifles the Book to fhow he renounces, and takes his leave of it Many a parting Kifs has he given the Gofpel. He pollutes it with his Lips oftner than a Hypocrite. He is a fworn Officer of every Court, and a great Practifer ; is admitted within the Bar, and makes good what the reft of the Council fay. The Attorney and Solli- citor fee and inftrucl him in the Cafe 3 and he ventures as far for his Client, as any Man, to be laid by the Ears : He fpeaks more to the Point than any other, yet gives falfe Ground to his Brethren of the Jury, that they feldom come near the Jack. His Oaths are fo brittle, that not one in twenty of them will hold the Taking, but fly as foon as they are out. He is worfe than an ill Confcience , for that bears true Witnefs, but his is always falfe 5 and A KNIGHT OF THE POST. 365 though his own Confcience be faid to be a thousand Witnefles, he will out-fwear and out- face them all. He believes it no Sin to bear falfe Witnefs for his Neighbour, that pays him for it, becaufe it is not forbidden, but only to bear falfe Wirnefs againft his Neighbour. [ 366 ] A N UNDESERVING FAVOURITE IS a Piece of bafe Metal with the King's Stamp upon it, a Fog raifedby the Sun, toobfcure his own Brightnefs. He came to Preferment by unworthy Offices, like one that rifes with his Bum forwards, which the Rabble hold to be fortunate. He got up to Preferment on the wrong Side, and fits as untoward in it. He is raifed rather above himfelf than others j or as bafe Metals are by the Teft of Lead, while Gold and Silver continue {till unmoved. He is raifed and fwells, like a Pimple, to be an Eye-fore, and deform the Place he holds. He is born like a Cloud on the Air of the Prince's By feveral Strokes in this Charafter the Reader muft be led to think it perfonal ; and as it was wrote, as I have before obferved, about the Year 1667, at which time Lord Sbaftjbury, who in 1661, had been made a Lord, was, as Antony IVood informs us, advanced to be one of the Commiffioners of the Treafury, and looked upon as a Perfon in great Favour with the King and Court, it will be na- turally applied to him. It is the more probable, as Butler has in his Burning of the Rump, Hud P. 3. C. 2. declared bis Sentiments of this Gentleman with no lefs Severity, in that Charader of the AN UNDESERVING FAVOURITE. 367 Favour, and keeps his Light from the reft of his People. Herifes, like the light End of a Bal- lance, for Want of Weight ; or as Dull and Feathers do for being light. He gets into the Prince's Favour by wounding it. He is a true Perfon of Honour j for he does but a6t it at the beil, a Lord made only to juftify all the Lords of Maypoles, Mortice-Dances, and Mifrule, a Thing that does not live, but lye in State, before he's dead, fuch as the Heralds dight at Funerals. His Prince gives him Honour out of his own Stock, and Eftate out of his Revenue, and lefTens himfelf in both, He is like Fern y that vile unufeful Weed> Thatfprings equivocally, 'without Seed. He was not made for Honour, nor it for him, which makes it fit fo unfavouredly upon him. The Forepart of himfelf, and the hinder Part of his Coach publifh his Diftinction ; as French Lords, that have haute Juftice, that is, may Independent Statefman which begins, *Meng thefe there nvas a Politician, With mare Heads than a Beajl In Vifion, &C. As Trench Lords, &c.] The diflinguifhing their Qualities by the Pillars of their Gallowles may probably allude to a Crofs in Coats of Arms, which, from its Refemblance to the Letter T or a double Gibbet, is called Crux patibulat*, or la Croix Potencee. 368 AN UNDESERVING FAVOURITE. hang and draw, diftinguifh their Qualities by the Pillars of their Gallowfes. He got his Honour eafily, by Chance, without the hard laborious Way of Merit, which makes him fo prodigally lavifh of it. He brings down the Price of Honour, as the Value of any Thing falls in mean Hands. He looks upon all Men in the State of Knighthood and plain Gentility as moft deplorable ; and wonders how he could endure himfelf, when he was but of that Rank. The greateft Part of his Honour confifts in his well-founding Title, which he therefore makes Choice of, tho' he has none to the Place, but only a Patent to go by jthe Name of it. This appears at the End of his Coach in the Shape of a Coronet, which his Footmen fet their Bums againfr, to the great Difparagement of the wooden Reprefentative. The People take him for a general Grievance, a Kind of public PrefTure, or Innovation, and would willingly give a Subfidy to be redreffed of him. He is a flricl: Obferver of Men's Addreffes to him, and takes a mathematical Account, whether Which among tie dncients, Gellius fays, Jlgntjied Injury.] Gelllut places the word Hcnos among his ijicabula. ancipitia ; and the Paf- fage referred to is this. " Sed fynorem cjuo^ue mediam Vocern AN UNDESERVING FAVOURITE. 369 they (loop and bow in jufl Proportion to the Weight of his Greatnefs, and allow full Mea- fure to their Legs and Cririges accordingly. He never nfes Courtmip, but in his own De- 'fencc, that others may ufe the fame to him, andj like a true ChrifHan, does as he would be done unto. He is intimate with no Man but his Pimp and his Surgeon, with whom he keeps no State, but communicates all the States of his Body. He is raifed like the Market, or a Tax, to the Grievance and Curfe of the Peo- ple. He that knew the Inventory of him would wonder what flight Ingredients go to the making up of a great Perfon; howfoever he is turned up Trump, and fo commands better Cards than himfelf, while the Game lafts. He has much of Honour according to the original Senfe of it, which among the Ancients (Gellhts fays) fignified Injury. His Profperity was greater than his Brain could bear, and he is drunk with itj and if he fliould take a Nap as long as Epimtntdfs or the feven Sleepers, he would never be fober fuiife, et Ita appellatum, ut etiam malus Honis diceretur, et fig- nificaret Injuriam" Nott. Alt. Lib. 12. C. 9. t VOL. II. B b 370 AN UNDESERVING FAVOURITE. again. He took his Degree, and went forth Lord by mandamus, without performing Ex- ercifes of Merit. His Honour's but an Immu- nity from Worth, and his Nobility a Dif- penfation for doing Things ignoble. He ex- pects that Men's Hats fhould fly off before him like a Storm, and not prefume to fland in the Way of his Profpeft, which is always over their Heads. All the Advantage he has is but to go before, or fit before, in which his nether Parts take place of his upper, that con- tinue ftill, in Comparifon, but Commoners. He is like an open Summer-Houfe, that has no 'Furniture but bare Seats. All he has to fliow for his Honour is his Patent, which will not be in Seafon until the third or fourth Generation, if it lafts fo long. His very Creation fuppofes him nothing before ; and as Taylors rofe by the Fall of Adam, and came in, like Thorns and Thirties, with the Curfe, fo dkl he by the Frailty of his Mailer. His very Face is his Gentleman-Ufher, that walks before him in State, and cries, give Wav. He is as fliff, as if he had been dipt in pe- trifying Water, and turned into his own Statue. He is always taking the Name of his AN UNDESERVING FAVOURITE. 371 Honour in vain, and will rather damn it like a Knighthood of the Port, than want Occaiidn to pawn it for every idle Trifle, perhaps for more than it is worth, or any Man will give to redeem it ; and in this he deals uprightly, tho' perhaps in nothing elfe. B b 2 [ 372 J CUCKOLD IS his Wife's Baftard IfTue, begotten upon her Body by her Gallant. He is like a Pack- faddle, and his Wife carries him to carry fome- body elfe upon. He is a Creature, that Adam never gave Name to, for there was none of his Kind in Paradife. He is no natural Produc- tion, but made by his Wife's Mechanics A Stock, that another grafts upon, and leaves him to maintain the Fruit. His own Branches his Horns are as myitical as the Whore of Ba- bylon's Palfreys, not to be feen but in a Vifion, and his Wife rides him as that great Lady does her Gelding. There are two Orders of them, the Wittol, that's a Volunteer, and the Cuck- old, that's impreft. They talk of Afles in India, that have Horns on their Rumps ; and for certam his grow out of his Wives Haunches. He is but an Undertaker in his A C U C K O L D. 373 Spoufe, and his Partners go Shares with him. Her Faults are written in his Forehead, and he wears her Phylactery. His Horns, like thofe in a Country Gentleman's Hall, ferve his Wife to hang Cloaths upon, with which fhe covers all her Faults, which he is fain to father, as well as her Children. He is a Man of great Hofpitality 5 for he does not only keep open Houfe, but open Wife for all Comers. He went about to enclofe the Common, but his Neighbours threw it up again. He is but one Ingredient of a Hufband, and there goes as many to the making of him up, as there do Taylors to a Man. If he be notorious he is like a Bel weather, and has a Lamm tied to his Horns, which every body knows him by. If he be a Wittol or contented Cuckold, he is like a Gentleman, that wears a Horn for his Plea_ fhre y but he, that makes it his Calling, is a Sowgelder, that blows a Horn to get Money, But if he be jealous, his Head is troubled with a forked Diftinclion difcrimine fatta JSiwrni, like Pythagoras his Letter, and he knows not which to take to, his Wife's Virtue, or Vice; and, whatfoever fhe proves, he remains a fpeculative Cuckold, well fludied in the Theory of Horns^ b 3 374 A CUCKOLD. but in vain, for Naturam expellat furca licet t ufque recurret. He fears his Park lies too con- venient for Deer-ftealers, and his Thoughts walk the Round perpetually with a dark Lan- thorn to furprize them, but neither meets with them, nor Satisfaction. The Poets fay, the Gate of Sleep is made of Horn, and certainly his is fo j for he dreams of nothing elfe fleep- ing or waking. Thus he apprehends himfelf, upon Sufpicion, for a Cuckold, is caft by his own Confeffion j and, as he that believed he had pift a Moufe, becaufe he found one drowned in his Chamber-Pot, he interprets every Thing in favour of his Horns, until he becomes really a Cuckold in his Heart. I 375 1 A MALICIOUS MAN HA S a ftrange natural Inclination to all . ill Intents and Purpofes. He bears no- thing fo refolutely as Ill-will, which he takes naturally to, as fome do to Gaming, and will rather hate for nothing than fit out. He be- lieves the Devil is not fo bad as he fhould be, and therefore endeavours to make him worfe by drawing him into his own Party offenfive and defenfivej and if he would but be ruled by him does not doubt but to make him under- ftand his Bufmefs much better than he does. He lays nothing to Heart but Malice, which is fo far from doing him hurt, that it is the only Cordial that preferves him. Let him ufe a Man never fo civilly to his Face, he is fure to hate him behind his Back. He has no Memory for any good that is done him j but Evil, whether it be done him or not, never leaves him, as Bb 4 376 A MALICI.OUS M A.N, Things of the fame Kind always keep together; Love and Hatred, though contrary Paflions, meet in him as a third, and unite ; for he loves nothing but to hate, and hates nothing but to love. All the Truths in the World are not able to produce fo much Hatred, as he is able to fupply. He is a common Enemy to the World ; for being born to the Hatred of it, Nature that provides for every Thing fhe brings forth, has furnimed him with a Competence fuitable to his Occafions ; for all Men together cannot hate him fo much, as he does them one by one. He lofes no Occafion of Offence, but very thriftily lays it up, and endeavours to im- prove it to the beft Advantage. He makes. IfTues in his Skin, to vent his ill Humours, and is fenfible of no Pleafure fo much as the Itching of his Sores. He hates Death for nothing fo much, as becaufe he fears it will take him away, before he has paid all the Ill-will he owes, and deprive him of all thofe precious Feuds, he has been fcraping together all his Life-time. He is troubled to think what a Difparagement it will be to him to die before thofe, that will be glad to hear he is gone ; and defires very chari- tably, they might come to an Agreement like good Friends, and go Hand in Handout of ths A MALICIOUS MAN. 377 World together. He loves his Neighbour as well as he does himfelf, and is willing to en- dure any Mifery, fo they may but take Part with him, and undergo any Mifchief rather than they fhould want it. He is ready to fpend his Blood, and lay down his Life for theirs, that would not do half fo much for him ; and rather than fail would give the Devil fuck, and his Soul into the Bargain, if he would but make him his Plenipotentiary, to determine all Differences between himfelf and others. He contra6ts Enmities, as others do Friendfhips, out of Likenefles, Sympathies, and InfUncts; and when he lights upon one of his own Temper, as Contraries produce the fame Effects, they perform all the Offices of Friendfhip, have the fame Thoughts, Affec- tions, and Defires of one another's Deftructiom andpleafe themfelves as heartily, and perhaps as fecurely, in hating one another, as others do jn loving. He feeks out Enemies to avoid fall- ing out with himfelf; for his Temper is like that of a fiourifhing Kingdom, if it have not a foreign Enemy it will fall into a civil War, and turn its Arms upon it felf, and fo does but hate in his own Defence. His Malice is all Sorts of Qain to him ; for as Men take Pieafure in 8 3 ;3 A MALICIOUS MAN. jmrfuing, entrapping, and deftroying all Sorts' of Beafts and Fowl, and call it Sports, fo would Jie do Men^ and if he had equal Power would never be at a Lofs, nor give over his Game without his Prey, and in this he does nothing but Juftice -, for as Men take Delight to deftroy Beafts, he being a Beaft does but do as he is done by in endeavouring to deftroy Men. The Philofopher faid-~-Af/z to Man is a God and a Wolf-, but he being incapable of the firft does his Endeavour to make as much of the laft as he can, and (hews himfelf as excellent in his Kind, as it is in his Power to do. [ 379 ] S Ct U I R E O F DAMES DE A L S with his Miftrefs as the Devil does with a Witch, is content to be her Ser- vant for a Time, that flie may be his Slave for ever. He is Efquire to a Knight-Errant, Don- zel to the Damzels, and Gentleman Ufher daily waiter on the Ladies, that rubs out his Time in making Legs and Love to them. He is a Gamefter, that throws at all Ladies that are fet him, but is always out, and never wins but when he throws at the Candleftick, that is for nothing ; a general Lover, that addrefles unto all but never gains any, as Univerfals produce nothing. He never appears fo gallant a Man as when he is in the Head of a Body of Ladies, 2 380 A SQUIRE OF DAMES. and leads them up with admirable Skill and Conduct. He is an Eunuch-BaJhaw, that has Charge of the Women, and governs all their public Affairs, becaufe he is not able to do them any considerable private Services. One of his prime Qualifications is to convey their Perfons in and out of Coaches, as tenderly as a Cook fets his Cuftards in an Oven and draws them out again, without the leaft Difcompofure or . Offence to their inward or outward Woman, that is, their Perfons and DrefTes. The greateft Care he ufes in his Converfation with Ladies is, to order his Peruque methodically, and keep off his Hat with equal Refpecl both to //, and their Lady (hips, that neither may have Caufe to take any juft Offence, but continue him in their good Graces. When he fquires a Lady, he takes her by the Handle of her Perfon the Elbow, and fteers it with all poflible Caution, left his own Foot fhoukl, upon a Tack, for want of due Circumfpc5lion, unhappily fall foul on the long Train (he carries at her Stern. This makes him walk upon his Toes, and tread as lightly as if he were leading her a Dance. He never tries any Experiment folitary with her, but always in Confott, and then he a6ls the Woman's Part, and fhe the Man's, talks A SQJJIRE OF DAMES. 381 loud and laughs, while he fits demurely filent, and fimpers or bows, and cries anon Madam, excellently good! &c. &c. He is a Kind of Her- maphrodite j for his Body is of one Sex, and his Mind of another, which makes him take no Delight in the Converfatio-n or Actions of Men, becaufe they do fo by his, but apply hin> felf to Women, to whom the Sympathy and Likenefs of his own Temper and Wit naturally inclines him, where he finds ait agreeable Re- ception for want of a better -, for they, like our Indian Planters, value their Wealth by the Number of their Slaves. All his Buflnefs in the Morning is to drefs himfelf, and in the Afternoon to fhew his Workmanfhip to the Ladies ; who after ferious Confideration ap- prove or difallovv of his Judgment and Abili- ties accordingly, and he as freely delivers his Opinion of theirs. The Glafs is the only Au- thor he itudies, by which his Aclions and Gef- tures are all put on like his Cloaths, and by that he praclifes how to deliver what he has prepared to fay to the Dames, after he has laid a Train to bring it in. E 38* ] A K N A V IS like a Tooth-drawer, that maintains his own Teeth in conftant eating by pulling out thofe of other Men. He is an ill moral Philofopher, of villainous Principles, and as bad Practice, His Tenets are to hold what he can get, right or wrong. His Tongue and his Heart are always at Variance, and fall out, like Rogues in the Street, to pick fomebody's Pocket. They never agree but, like Herod and Pilate, to do Mifchief. His Confcience never frauds in his Light, when the Devi/ holds a Candle to him j for he has ftretched it fo thin, that it is tranfparent. He is an Engineer of Treachery; Fraud, and Perfidioufnefs, and knows how to manage Matters of great Weight with very little Force, by the Advantage of his trepanning Screws. He is very Ikilful in all the Mechanics of Cheat, the mathematical Magic of Impofture ; and will outdo the Ex- A K N A V E. 383 peftation of the moft Credulous, to -their own Admiration and Undoing. He is an excellent Founder, and will melt down a leaden Fool, and caft him into what Form he pleafes. He is like a Pike in a Pond, that lives by Rapine, and will fometimes venture on one of his own Kind, and devour a Knave as big as himfelf He will fwallow a Fool a great deal bigger than himfelf; and if he can but get his Head within his Jaws, will cany the reft of him hanging out at his Mouth, until by Degrees he has di- gefted him all. He has a hundred Tricks, to flip his Neck out of the Pillory, without leav- ing his Ears behind. As for the Gallows, he never ventures to fhow his Tricks upon the high-Rope, for fear of breaking his Neck. He feldom commits any Villany, but in a legal Way, and makes the Law bear him out in that, for which it hangs others. He al- ways robs under the Vizard of Law, and picks Pockets with Tricks in Equity. By his Means the Law makes more Knaves than it hangs, and, like the Inm-of-Court protects Offenders againft itfelf. He gets within the Law, and difarms it. His harden: Labour is to wriggle himfelf into Truft, which if he can but com- pafs, his Bufmefs is doncj for Fraud and A KNAVE. Treachery follow as eafily, as a Thread does a Needle* He grows rich by the Ruin of his Neighbours, like Grafs in the Streets in a great Sicknefs. He fhelters himfelf under the Co- vert of the Law, like a Thief in a Hemp-Plot, and makes that fecure him, which was intend- ed for his Definition. [ 385 1 A N ANABAPTIST T S a Water-Saint, that, like a Crocodile, fees A clearly in the Water, but dully on Land. He does not only live in two Elements, like a Goofe, but two Worlds at once, this, and one of the next. He is contrary to a Fifher of Men; for, inftead of pulling them out of the Water, he dips them in it. He keeps Souls in Minority, and will not admit them to inherit the Kingdom of Heaven, till they come to Age, fit to be truited with their own Belief. He defies Magiitracy and Minifrry as the Horns of Antichrijl ; but would fain get them both into his own Hands. His Babes of Grace are all Pagan^ and he breeds them up as they do young Trees in a Nurfery, lets them grow up, and then tranfplants them into the new Soil of his own Church. He lets them run wild, as they do young Colts on a Common, until VOL. II. C c 386 AN ANABAPTIST. th'aie old enough to be taken up and backed, and then he breaks and paces them with his own Church-walkings. He is a Landerer of Souls, and tries them, as Men do Witches, by Water. He dips them all under Water, but their Hands, which he holds them up by thofe do ft ill continue Pagan j and that's the Reafon, why they make no Confcience of their Works, when they can get Power in their Hands, but act the moft barbarous Inhumani- ties in the World. His dipping makes him more obftinate and ftiff in his Opinions, like a Piece of hot Iron, that grows hard by being quenched in cold Water. He does not like the ufe of Water in his Baptifm, as it falls from Heaven in Drops, but as it runs out of the Bowels of the Earth, or Hands putrefying in a dirty Pond. He chufes the coldeft Time in the Year to be dipped in, to fhew the Heat of his Zeal, and this renders him the more obflinate. Law and Government are great Grievances to him, and he believes Men may live very well without them, if they would be ruled by him ; and then he would have nothing of Authority but his own Revelations. He is a Saint-Er- rant ; for he calls his Religion Walking^ which he oppofes to the Pope's Sitting as the more AN ANABAPTIST. 387 orthodox and infallible. His Church is a Kind of round Table without upper End, or lower End; for they obferve no Order, nor admit of Degrees. It is like the Serpent Amphiflxzna, that has a Head at either End of it : for fuch is their fpiritual Envy and Ambition, that they can endure no fuperior, but high and low are tied together, like long and fhort Sticks in a Faggot. He defies the World in his own Defence, be- caufe it flighted him firft, and is rather a Re- negado to it, than a Convert to the other. He renounced it, becaufe it was not for his Turn, and gave it over becaufe he knew not how to enjoy it. His Ambition, like a Weed, grows higheft on the lowed Grounds ; and he fancies himfelf above the World by defpiiing what he would, but could not afpire to. His Chanty extends no further than his own Diocefe, and is nothing elfe but Self-Love, and natural Affection to his own Opinions in other Men. He cries down Learning, as he does the World, becaufe it is not within his Reach, and gives unjuft Judgment upon that, which he under- ftands nothing of. He leaves the Road of the CC 2 3 83 AN ANABAPTIST, Church, and crofles over Bye-ways, as Thieves do, when they have committed a Robbery. All the fpiritual Knowledge, he brags fo much of, is but his at the fecond Hand, and borrowed from Tranflations ; and, if thofe err, his Spirit (tho' infallible as the Popes) muft do fo too. The prodigious Height of Confidence, he has arrived to, is not poffible to be at- tained without an equally impregnable Ig- norance. His Church is under the watry Government of the Moon, when fhe was in Aquarius. He places himfelf on a Pin- nacle of the Temple, to fee if the Devil dare cap Texts with him. He had a Mind to dif- pofe of his Religion, how he pleafed, and fo jiiffcred a Recovery, to cut it off from his right Heirs, and fettle it to fuch Ufes, as he pleafed. He broaches falfe DocTrines out of his Tub. He fees Vifions when he is fail afleep, and dreams Dreams when he is broad awake. They fcick to one another, like Loaves of Bread in the Oven of Perfecution. He canonifes him- felf a Saint in his own Life-time, as Domitian made himfelf a God ; and enters his Name in the Rubric of his Church by Virtue of a Pick- lock, which he has invented, and believes will fervehis Turn, as well as St. Peter's Keys. He AN ANABAPTIST. 389 finds out Sloughs and Ditches, that are apteil for launching of an Anabaptift j for he does not chriflen, but launch his Veflel. He believes, becaufe Obedience is better than Sacrifice, the lefs of it will ferve. He ufes Scripture in the fame Manner as falfe Witnefles do, who never lay their Hands on it, but to give Teilimony againft the Truth. Cc I 39 ] A VINTNER HA N G S out his Bufh to (hew he has not good Wine j for that, the Proverb fays, needs it not. If Wine were as necefTary as Bread, he would {land in the Pillory for felling falie Meafure, as well as Bakers do for falfe Weight j but fince it is at every Man's Choice to come to his Houfe or not, thofe that do, are guilty of half the Injuries he does them, and he believes the reft to be none at all, becaufe no Injury can be done to him, that is willing to take it. He had rather fell bad Wine, than good that ftands him in no more, for it makes Men fooner drunk, and then they are the eafier over-reckoned. By the Knaveries he acts above-board, which every Man fees, one may eafily take a Meafure of thofe he does unde r Ground in his Cellar ; for he that will pick a Man's Pocket to his Face, will not ftick to ufe him worfe in private when he knows no- A VINTNER. 39, thing of it. When he has poifoned his Wines he raifes his Price, and to make amends for that abates his Meafure, for he thinks it a greater Sin to commit Murder for fmall Gains, than a valuable Confideration. He does not only fpoil and deftroy his Wines, but an ancient reverend Proverb, with brewing and racking, that fays, In vino veritas, for there is no Truth in his, but all falfe and fophiftica- ted ; for he can counterfeit Wine as cunningly as Apellcs did Grapes, and cheat Men with it, as be did Birds. He brings every Bottle of Wine he draws to the Bar, to confefs it to be a Cheat, and afterwards puts himfelf upon the Mercy of the Company. He is an Anti- chrijlian Cheat ; for Chrift turned Water into Wine, and he turns Wine into Water. He fcores all his Reckonings upon two Tables made like thofeof the ten Commandments, that he may be put in Mind to break them as oft as poflibly he can j efpecially that of ftealing and bearing falfe Witnefs againfr. his Neighbour, when he draws him bad Wine and fwears it is good, and that he can take more for the Pipe, than the Wine will yield him by the Bottle, a Trick that a Jefuit taught him to cheat his Cc 4 392 4 V I N T N E R. own Confcience with. When he is found to over-reckon notorioufly, he has one common Evafion for all, and that is, to fay it was a Miftake, by which he means, that he thought they had net been fober enough to difcover it ; for if it had paft, there had been no Error at all in the Cafe. [ 393 ] A N HYPOCRITE Y S a Saint that goes by Clockwork, a Ma- -* chine made by the Devifs Geometry, which he winds and nicks to go as he pleafes. He is the Devil's Finger-Watch, that never goes true, but too fail, or too flow, as he fets him. His, Religion goes with Wires, and he ferves the Devil for an Idol to feduce the Simple to wor- fhip and believe in him. He puts down the true Saint with his Copper-Lace Devotion, as Ladies, that ufe Art, paint fairer than the Life. He is a great Buftler in Reformation, which is always moil proper to his Talent, efpecially if it be tumultuous 5 for Pockets are no where fo eafily and fafely picked as in jufl- ling Crouds : And as Change and Alterations are mofl agreeable to thofe, who are tied to no- thing, he appears more zealous and violent for the Caufa > than fuch as are retarded by Con- 394 AN HYPOCRlfE. fcience or Confideration. His Religion is a Mummery, and his Gofpel-iaalkings nothing but dancing a Mafquerade. He never wears his own Perfon, but afTumes a Shape, as his Mafter the Devil does, when he appears. He wears counterfeit Hands (as the Italian Pick- pocket did) which are fattened to his Breair, as if he held them up to Heaven, while his natural Fingers are in his Neighbour's Pocket. The whole Scope of all his Actions appears to be ti hefted, like an Archer's Arrow, at Hea- ven, while the Clout he aims at flicks in the Earth. The Devil baits his Hook with him, when he fifties in troubled Waters. He turns up his Eyes to Heaven like Bird's that have no upper Lid. He is a Weathercock upon the Steeple of the Church, that turns with every Wind, that blows from any Point of the Com- pafs. He fets his Words and Actions like a Printer's Letters, and he that will underftand him muft read him backwards. He is much more to be fufpected than one that is no Pro- fefibr; as a Stone of any Colour is eafier coun- terfeited, than a Diamond that is of none. The Infide of him tends quite crofs to the Outfide, like a Spring that runs upward with- in the Earth, and down without, He is an A N H Y P O C R I T E. 395 Operator for the Soul, and correfts other Men's Sins with greater of his own, as the Jews were punifhed for their Idolatry by greater Idolaters than themfelves. He is a fpiritual Highway- man, that robs on the Road to Heaven His Profeflions and his Actions agree like a fweet Voice and a {linking Breath. [ 396 ] A N O P I N I A T E R S his own Confident, that maintains more Opinions than he is able to fupport. They are all Baftards commonly and unlawfully be- gotten j but being his own, he had rather, out of natural Affection, take any Pains, or beg, than they fhould want a Subfiftence. The Eagernefs and Violence he ufes to defend them argues they are weak, for if they were true, they would not need it. How falfe foever they are to him he is true to them ; and as all ex- traordinary Affections of Love or Friend/hip are ufually upon the meaneft Accounts, he is refolved never to forfake them, how ridiculous fjever they render themfelves and him to the World. He is a Kind of a Knight-Errant, that is bound by his Order to defend the weak AN O P I N I A T E R. 397 and diftrefled, and deliver enchanted Paradoxes, that are bewitched, and held by Magicians and Conjurers in invifible Catties. He affects to have his Opinions as unlike other Men's as he can, no Matter whether better or woi fe^, like thofe that wear fantaftic Cloaths of their own devifmg. No Force of Argument can pre- vail upon him -, for, like a Madman, the Strength of two Men in their Wits is not able to hold him down. His Obftinacy grows out of his Ignorance j for Probability has fo many- Ways, that whofoever underflands them will not be confident of any one. He holds his Opinions as Men do their Lands, and, though his Tenure be litigious, he will fpend all he has to maintain it. He does not fo much as know what Opinion means, which always fup- pofmg Uncertainty, is not capable of Confi- dence. The more implicit his Obftinacy is, the more ftubborn it renders him ; for implicit Faith is always more pertinacious than that, which can give an Account of it felf ; and as Cowards, that are well backed, will appear boldeft, he that believes as the Church believes is more violent, though he knows not what it is, than he that can give a Reafon for his 398 A N O P I N I A T E R. Faith And as Men in the dark endeavour to tread firmer than when they are in the Light, the Darknefs of his Underftanding makes him careful to ftand faft wherefoever he happens, though it be out of his Way. [ 399 ] CHOLERIC MAN IS one that ftands for Madman, and has as many Voices as another If he mifs he has very hard Dealing ; for if he can but come to a fair polling of his Fits againit his Intervals, he is fure to carry it. No doubt it would be a fingular Advantage to him j for as his prefent Condition ftands, he has more full Moons in a Week than a Lunatic has in a Year. His Pafllon is like Tinder, foon fet on Fire, and as foon out again. The fmalleft Occaflon imaginable puts him in his Fit, and then he has no Refpeft of Perfons, {hikes up the Heels of Stools and Chairs, tears Cards Limb- meal without Regard of Age, Sex, or Quality, and breaks the Bones of Dice, and makes them a dreadful Example to deter others from daring to take Part againil him. He is guilty but 4 oo A CHOLERIC MAN. of Mifprifion of Madnefs, and, if the worrl come to the worft, can but forfeit Eflate, and fuffer perpetual Liberty to fay what he pleafes. 'Tis true he Is but a Candidate of Bedlam, and is not yet admitted Fellow, but has the Licenfe of the College to pra6life, and in Time will not fail to come in according to his Seniority. He has his Grace for Mad- man, and has done his Exercifes, and nothing but his good Manners can put him by his Degree. He is, like a foul Chimney, eafily fet on Fire, and then he vapours and flafhes, as if he would burn the Houfe, but is prefent- ly put out with a greater Huff, and the mere Noife of a Piftpl reduces him to a quiet and peaceable Temper. His Temper is, like that of a Meteor, an imperfect Mixture, that fparkles and flaflies until it has fpent it felf. All his Parts are irafcible, and his Gall is too big for his Liver. His Spleen makes others laugh at him, and as fcon as his Anger is over with others he begins to be angry with him- felf and forry. He is fick of a prepoilerous Ague, and has his hot Fit always before his cold. The more violent , his Paflion is the fooner it is out, like a running Knot, that ftrains hardeft, but is eafiefl loofed. He A CHOLERIC MAN. 401 is never very paffionate but for Trifles, and is always moft temperate where he has leaft Caufe, like a Nettle, that flings worfl when it is touched with foft and gentle Fingers, but when it is bruifed with rugged hardned Hands returns no Harm at all. VOL. II. D d OVER IS a Kind of Goth and Vandal y that leaves his native Self to fettle in another, or a Planter that forfakes his Country, where he was born, to labour and dig in Virginia. His Heart is catched in a Net with a Pair of bright fhining Eyes, as Larks are with Pieces of a looking-Glafs. He makes heavy Com- plaints againft it for deferting of him, and defires to have another in Exchange for it, which is a very unreafonable Requeft j for if it betrayed its bofom Friend, what will it do to a Stranger, that fhould give it Truft and Entertainment? He binds himfelf, and cries out he is robbed of his Heart, and charges the Innocent with it, only to get a good Com- pofition, or another for it, againft all Con- fcience and Honefty. He talks much of his A LOVER. 403 Flame, and pretends to be burnt by his Mif- trefs's Eyes, for which he requires Satisfaction from her, like one that fets his Houfe on Fire to get a Brief for charitable Contributions. He makes his Miftrefs all of Stars, and when Ihe is unkind, rails at them, as if they did ill Offices between them, and being of her Kin fet her againft him. He falls in Love as Men fall fick when their Bodies are inclined to it> and imputes that to his Miftrefles Charms, which is really in his own Temper j for when that is altered, the other vanifhes of it felf, and therefore one faid not amifs, The Lilly and the Rofe Not in her Cheeks, but in thy Temper grows. When his Defires are grown up, they fwarm, and fly out to feek a new Habitation, and wherefoever they light they fix like Bees, among which fome late Philofophers have obferved that it is a Female that leads all the reft. Love is but a Clap of the Mind, a Kind of run- ning of the Fancy, that breaks out, if it be not flopped in Time, into Botches of heroic j for all Lovers are Poets for the Time Dd 2 404 A LOVE R. being, and make their Ladies a Kind of mp- faic Work of feveral coloured Stones joined together by a ftrong Fancy, but very fliff and unnatural; and though they fteal Stars from Heaven, as Prometheus did Fire, to animate them, all will not make them alive, nor alives-liking. t 405 ] A TRANSLATER DYES an Author, like an old Stuff, into a new Colour, but can never give it the Beauty and Luftre of the firft Tinclure ; as Silks that are twice died lofe their Gloffes, and never receive a fair Colour. He is a fmall Faclor, that imports Books of the Growth of one Language into another, butitfeldom turns to Accompt ; for the Commodity is peri/hable, and the finer it is the worfe it endures Tranf- portation; as the moft delicate of India?! Fruits are by no Art to be brought over. Neverthe- lefs he feldom fails of his Purpofe, which is to pleafe himfelf, and give the World notice that he underftands one Language more than it was aware of; and that dons he makes a faving Re- turn. He is a 'truck-Mont that interprets be- tween learned Writers and gentle Readers, and ufcs both how he pleafes ; for he commonly Dd 3 406 A TRANSLAT E~R. miftakes the one, and mifmforms the other. If he does not perfectly underftand the full Meaning of his Author as well as he did him- felf, he is but a Copier, and therefore never comes near the Maftery of the Original -, and his Labours are like Difhes of Meat twice dreft, that become infipid, and lofe the pleafant Tafte they had at firft. He differs from an Author as a Fidler does from a Mufician, that plays other Men's Compofitions, but is not able to make any of his own. All his Studies tend to the Ruin of the Interefts of Linguifts j for by making thofe Books common, that were underftood but by few in the Original, he en- deavours to make the Rabble as wife as him- felf without taking Pains, and prevents others from ftudying Languages, to underftand that which they may know as well without them. The Ancients, who never writ any Thing but what they ftole and borrowed from others (and who was the firft Inventor nobody knows) ne- ver ufed this Way ; but what they found for their Purpofes in other Authors they difguifed, fo that it paft for their own : but to take whole Books and render them, as our Tranilators do, they always forbore, out of more or lefs Ingenuity is a Queftion j for they (hewed more A T R A N S L A T E R. 407 in making what they liked their own, and lefs in not acknowledging from whence they had it. And though the Romans by the Laws of War laid claim to all Things, both facred and profane, of thofe Nations whom they con- quered; yet they never extended that Privilege to their Wit, but made that their own by another Title of the fame Kind, and over-came their Wit with Wit. Dd 4 t 408 ] R E B E IS a voluntary Bandit, a civil Renegade, that renounces his Obedience to his Prince, to raife himfelf upon the public Ruin. He is of great Antiquity, perhaps before the Creation, at leaft a Praadamite j for Lucifer was the firft of his Family, and from him he derives himfelf in an indirect Line. He finds Fault with the Government, that he may get it the eafier into his own Hands, as Men ufe to undervalue what they have a Defire to pur- chafe. He is a Botcher of Politics, and a State-Tinker, that makes Flaws in the Go- vernment, only to mend them again. He goes for a public-fpirited Man, and his Pretences are for the public Good, that is, for the Good of his own public Spirit. He pretends to be a great Lover of his Country, as if it had given him Love-powder, but it is merely out A REBEL. 409 of natural Affection to himfelf. He has a great Itch to be handling of Authority, though he cut his Fingers with it ; and is refolved to raife himfelf, though it be but upon the Gal- lows. He is all for Peace and Truth, but not without Lying and Fighting. He plays a Game with the Hangman for the Cloaths on his Back, and when he throws out, he ftrips him to the Skin. He dies in hempen Sheets, and his Body is hanged, like his Anceftor Mahomet' s t in the Air. He might have lived longer, if the Deftinies had not fpun his Thread of Life too ftrong. He is fure never to come to an untime- ly End j for by the Courfe of Law his Glafs was out long before. He calls Rebellion and Trealon laying out of himfelf for the Public j but being found to be falfe unlawful Coin, he was feized upon, and cut in Pieces, and hanged for falfifying himfelf. His efpoufmg of Quar- rels proves as fatal to his Country, as the Panfian Wedding did to France. He is like, a, Bell, that was made of Purpofe to be hanged. He is a difeafed Part of the Body politic, to which all the bad Humours gather. He picks Straws out of the Government like a Madman, and ftartles at them when he has done. He en- deavours to raife himfelf, like a Boy's Kite, by 4io A R E B E L: being pulled againft the Wind. After all his Endeavours and Defigns he is at length promot- ed to the Gallows, which is performed with a Cavalcade fuitable to his Dignity ; and after much Ceremony he is inftalled by the Hang- man, with the general Applaufe of all Men, and dies fmging like a Swan. [ 4" 1 Y - W I T DEALS in a foreign Commodity, that is not of the Growth of the Place, and which his Neighbours have fo little Judgment in, that he may put it off, how bad foever, at what Rate he pleafes. His Wit is like a Piece of Buckram made of old Stuff new gum'd, and ftiffened with Formality and Af- fectation, and rubbed into a forced Glofs ; and he {hews it to the beft Advantage, as far as Impudence and Lying, the Virtues of his Education, can enable him. He can do no- thing, if he has not fomebody of lefs Confi- dence to play it upon, as a Boy does his Ball again ft a Wall, and as long as the dull Crea- ture will endure it never lets it fall : But when he ftrikes too hard his Wit is returned upon him again, and has its Quarters beaten, 4 i2 A C I T Y-W I T. up with Cuffs and Knocks over the Pate, which is commonly the Conclufion of his Horfe or rather Afs-play. His Jefts are Ib flight and apt to break, that like a Tilter's Lance, his Antagonift fcarce feels them, and if he did not laugh at them himfelf, nobody would imagine by any Thing elfe what they were meant for; for he does it to make others laugh too, as thofe that gape fet all that fee them a gaping -But his Way is too rugged to provoke Laughter by any other Means ; for he, that tickles a Man to make him laugh, rnuft touch him gently and foftly, not rub him hard. His Wit has never been obferved to be of the right Breed, but always inclining to the Mungrel, whether his evil Education, the bad Cuftoms of the Place, or a Kind of fecret Fate be the Catife of it; for many others, that have had as great Difadvantages, have neveitheleis arrived at jftrange Perfec- tions : But as his Behaviour, which he learns infenfibly from thofe he converfes with, does plainly dillinguiih him from Men of freer Educations ; fo his Underflanding receives that Alloy from the Reafon and Judgment of thofe he has to do withal, that it can never be- A C I T Y-W I T. 413 come confiderable. For though many excel- lent Perfons have been born and lived in the City, there are very few fuch that have been bred there, though they come from all Parts and Families of the Nation ; for Wit is not tjie Practice of the Place, arid a London Student is like an Uniwrfity Merchant. SUPERSTITIOUS MAN IS more zealous in his falfe miftaken Piety than others are in the Truth ; for he that is in an Error has further to go than one that is in the right Way, and therefore is concern- ed to beftir himfelf, and make the more Speed. The Practice of his Religion is, like the School- men's Speculations, full of Niceties and Tricks, that take up his whole Time, and do him more Hurt than Good. His Devotions are Labours, not Exercifes, and he breaks the Sab- bath in taking too much Pains to keep it. He makes a Confcience of fo many Trifles and Niceties, that he has not leifure to confider Things, that are ferious, and of real Weight. His Religion is too full of Fears and Jealoufies to be true and faithful, and too felicitous and unquiet to continue in the Right, if it were fo. And as thofe, that are Bunglers and unlkilful in any Art, take more Pains to do nothing, be- A SUPERSTITIOUS MAN. 415 caufe they are ia a wrong Way, than thofe that are ready and expert, to do the excellenteft Things : fo the Errors and Miftakes of his Religion engage him in perpetual Troubles and Anxieties, without any Poffibility of Improve- ment, until he unlearn all, and begin again upon a new Account. He talks much of the Juftice and Merits of his Caufe, and yet gets fo many Advocates, that it is plain he does not believe himfelf ; but having pleaded not Guilty he is concerned to defend himfelf as well as he can ; while thofe that confefs, and put them- felves upon the Mercy of the Court have no more to do. His Religion is too full of Curiofities to be found and ufeful, and is fitter for a Hypocrite than a Saint j for Cu- riofities are only for Show, and of no Ufe at all. His Confcience refides more in his Sto- mach than his Heart, and howfoever he keeps the Commandments, he never fails to keep a very pious Diet, and will rather ftarve than eat erroneoufly, or tafte any Thing that is not perfectly orthodox and apoftolical ; and if Living and Eating are infeparable he is in the Right > and lives becaufe he eats according to the truly ancient primitive Catholic Faith in the pureft Times. D R O L E PLAYS his Part of Wit readily at firft Sight, and fometimes better than with Practice. He is excellent at Voluntary and Pre- lude j bat has no Skill in Compofition. He will run Divifiorjs upon any Ground very dex- troufly j but now and then mifrakes a Flat for a Sharp. He has a great deal of Wit, but it is not at his own diipofing, nor can he com- mand it \vhf :: lit pleafss, unlefs it be in the Humour. His Fancy is counterchanged be- tween Jeft and Earner! ; and the Earneft lies always in the Jeft, and the Jejl in the Earneft. He treats of all Matters and Perfons by Way of Exercitation, without Refpecl: of Things, Place, or Occadon j and aflumes the A D R O L E. 417 Liberty of a freeborn Engti/hman, as if he were called to the long Robe with long Ears. He impofes a hard Tafk upon himfelf as well as thofe he converfes with, and more than either can bear without a convenient Stock of Con- fidence. His whole Life is nothing but a Merry-Making, and his Bufinefs the fame with a Fidler's, to play to all Companies where he comes, and take what they pleafe to give him either of Applaufe, or Diflike ; for he can do little without fome Applauders, who by fhewing him Ground make him out-" do his own Expectation many Times, and theirs too ; for they, that laugh on his Side and cry him up give Credit to his Confidence, and fometimes contribute more than half the Wit by making it better than he meant. He is impregnable to all Aflaults but that of a greater Impudence, which being Stick - free puts him like a rough Fencer out of his Play, and after pafTes upon him at Pleafure ; for when he is once routed, he never rallies again. He takes a View of a Man as a Ikilful Commander does of a Town he would befiege, to difcover the weakeft Places, where he may make his Approaches' VOL. II. E e 4 i8 A D R O L E. with the leaft Danger and moft Advantages ; and when he finds himfelf miftaken draws off his Forces with admirable Caution and Confideration ; for his Bufmefs being only Wit, he thinks there is very little of that fhown in expofing himfelf to any Inconve-: nience. t 419 ] A N EMPIRIC IS a Medicine-Monger, Probationer . of Re- ceipts, and Doclor Epidemic. He is per- petually putting his Medicines upon their Tryal, and very often finds them guilty of Manflaughter ; but ftill they have fome Trick or other to come off, and avoid burning by the Hand of the Hangman. He prints his Trials of Skill, and challenges Death at fo many feveral Weapons; and though he is fure to be foiled at every one, he cares not j for if he can but get Money he is fure to get off: For it is but pofting up Difeafes for Poltroons in all the public Places of the Town, and daring them to meet him again, and his Credit {lands as fair with the Rabble, as ever it did. He makes nothing of the Pox EC2 4 2o AN EMPIRIC. and running of the Reins, but will under- take to cure them and tye one Hand behind him, with fo much Eafe and Freedom, that his Patients may furfeit and be drunk as oft as they pleafe, and follow their Bufmefs, that is, Whores and him, without any Inconve- nience to their Health or Occafions, and re- cover with fo much Secrefy, that they (hall never know how it comes about. He profefies no Cure no Money, as well he may ; for if Nature does the Work he is paid for it, if not, he neither wins nor lofesj and like a cunning Rook lays his Bet fo artfully, that, let the Chance be what it will, he either ft wins or faves. He cheats the Rich for their Money, and the Poor for Chanty, and if either fucceed, both are pleafed, and he pafies for a very jufl and confcientious Man j for, as thofe that pay nothing ought at Jeaft to fpeak well of their Entertainment, their Teftimony makes Way for thofe, that are able to pay for both. He finds he has no Reputation among thofe that know him, and fears he is never like to have, and therefore ppfts up his Bills, to fee if he can thrive better among thofe that know nothing of him. He keeps his. AN EMPIRIC. 421 Poft continually, and will undertake to main- tain it againft all the Plagues of JEgypt. He fets up his Trade upon a Pillar, or the Corner of a Street Thefe are his Ware- houfes, where all he has is to be feen, and a great deal more 3 for he that looks further finds nothing at all. I 4" ] THE OBSTINATE MAN DOES not hold Opinions, but they hold him j for when he is once poffeft with an Error, 'tis, like the Devil, not to be cart out but with great Difficulty. Whatfoever he lays hold on, like a drowning Man, he never lofes, though it do but help to fink him the fooner. His Ignorance is abrupt and macceffible, impregnable both by Art and Nature, and will hold out to the laft, though it has nothing but Rubbifh to defend. It is as dark as Pitch, and fticks asfaft to any Thing it lays hold on. His Scull is fo thick, that it is proof againft any Reafon, and never cracks but on the wrong Side, juft oppofite to that againft which the Imprcffion is made, which Surgeons fay does happen very frequent- THE OBSTINATE MAN 423 ly. The flighter and more inconfiftent his Opinions are the fafter he holds them, other- wife they would fall afunder of themfelves : for Opinions that are falfe ought to be held with more Striclnefs and AfTurance than thofe that are true, otherwife they will be apt to betray their Owners before they are aware. If he takes to Religion, he has Faith enough to fave a hundred wifer Men than himfdf, if it were right; but it is too much to be good ; and though he deny Supererogation, and utterly difclaim any Overplus of Me- rits, yet he allows fuperabundant Belief, and if the Violence of Faith will carry the King- dom of Heaven, he ftands fair for it. He de- lights moft of all to differ in Things indiffe- rent, no Matter how frivolous they are, they are weighty enough in Proportion to his weak Judgment, and he will rather fuffer Self-Martyrdom than part with the leaft Scruple of his Freehold; for it is impoflible to dye his dark Ignorance into a lighter Co- lour. He is refolved to underftand no Man's Reafon but his own, becaufe he finds no Man can underftand his but himfelf. His Wits are like a Sack, which, the French Proverb Ee 4 4 2 4 THE OBSTINATE MAN. fays, is tied fafter before it is full, than when it is ; and his Opinions are like Plants that grow upon Rocks, that ftick faft though they have no Rooting. His Underftanding is hardened like Pbaroab's Heart, and is Proof againft all Sorts of Judgments whatfo- ever. A L O T IS a hot-headed Brother, that has his Un~ derftanding blocked up on both Sides, like a Fore-Horfe's Eyes, that he fees only flreight forwards, and never looks about him ; which makes him run on according as he is driven with his own Caprich. He darts and flops (as a Horfe does) at a Poft, only becaufe he does not know what it is j. and thinks to run away from the Spur, while he carries it with him. He is very violent, as all Things that tend downward naturally are -, for it is , im- poffible to improve or raife him above his own Level. He runs fwiftly before any Wind, like a Ship that has neither Freight nor Ballaft, and is as apt to overfet. When his Zeal takes Fire it cracks and flies about like a Squib, until the idle Stuff is fpent, and then it goes out of it felf. He is always troubled with fmall Scruples, which his Con- 426 A Z E A L O T. fcience catches like the Itch, and the rubbing of thefe is both his Pleafure and his Pain : But for Things of greater Moment he is un- concerned ; as Cattle in the Summer Time are more peftered with Flies, that vex their Sores, than Creatures more confiderable ; and Duft and Motes are apter to ftick in blear Eyes than things of greater Weight. His Charity begins and ends at Home, for it never goes further, nor ftirs abroad. David was eaten up 'with the Zeal of God's Hoitfe ; but his Zeal quite contrary eats up God's Houfe ; and as the Words feem to intimate, that David fed and maintained the Priefts ; fo he makes the Priefts feed and maintain him And hence his Zeal is never fo vehement, as when it con- curs with his Intereft ; for as he ftiles himfelf a ProfefTor, it fares with him as with Men of other Profeffions, to live by his Calling, and get as much as he can by it. He is very fevere to other Men's Sins, that his own may pafs un- fufpefted, as thofe, that were engaged in the Confpiracy againft Nero, were moft cruel to their own Confederates, or as one fays > Compounds for Sins he is incliridto By damning thofe he has m Mind to* [ 4*7 ] THE O V E R-D O E R ALWAYS throws beyond the Jack, and is gone a Mile. He is no more able to contain himfelf than a Bowl is when he is commanded to rub with the greateft Power and Vehemence imaginable, and nothing lights in his Way. He is a Conjurer, that cannot keep within the Compafs of his Circle, though he were fure the Devil would fetch him away for the lead Tranfgreffion. He always overflocks his Ground, and ftarves inftead of feeding, deftroys whatfoever he has an extraordinary Care for, and like an Ape hugs the Whelp he loves moft to Death. All his Defigns are greater than the Life, and he laughs to think how Nature has miftaken her Match, and given him, fo much Odds, that he can eafily outrun her. He allows of no Merit but that which is fu- perabundant. All his Actions are fuperfseta- 428 T H E O V E R- D O E R. tions, that either become Monfters or Twins, that is, too much, or the fame again : for he is but a Supernumerary, and does nothing but for Want of a better. He is a civil Catholic^ that holds nothing more fledfaftly than Supe- rerogation in all that he undertakes ; for he undertakes nothing but what he overdoes. He is infatiable in all his Actions, and, like a covetous Perfon, never knows when he has done enough, until he has fpoiled all by doing too much. He is his own Antagonift, and is never fatisfied until he has outdone himfelf, as well as that which he propofed j for he loves to be better than his Word (though it always falls out worfe) and deceive the World the wrong Way. He believes the Mean to be but a mean Thing, and therefore always runs into Extremities, as the more excellent, great, and tranfcendent. He delights to exceed in all his Attempts j for he finds that a Goofe, that has three Legs, is more remarkable than a hun- dred, that have but two apiece, and has a greater Number of Followers} and that all Monfters are more vifited and applied to than other Creatures that Nature has made perfect in their Kind. He believes he can never be- flow too much Pains upon any Thing j for his THE O V E R - D O E R. 429 Induftry is his own, and cofts him nothing ; and if it mifcarry, he lofes nothing, for he has as much as it was worth. He is like a foolifh Mufician, that fets his Inflrument fo high, that he breaks his Strings for Want of nnderftanding the right Pitch of it, or an Archer, that breaks his Bow with over-bend- ing 3 and all he does is forced, like one that fings above the Reach of his Voice, I 43 J A JEALOUS MAN IS very unfettled in his Mine! and full of Doubts, whether he fhould take his Wife for better, oi'for ivorfe. He knows not what to make of himfelf, but fears his Wife does, and that (he made him and his Heir at a Heat : His Horns grow inward, and are very uneafy and painful to his Brain. He breaks his Sleep in watching Opportunities to catch himfelf Cuckold in the Manner. He fancies himfelf regenerate in the Body of his Wife, and de- fires nothing more, than with Cardan and Guf- man to know all the Particulars and Circum- fiances of his own Begetting. He beats his Brains perpetually to try the Hardnefs of his Head, and find out how the Callus improves from Time to Time. He breeds Horns, as Chil- dren do Teeth, with much Pain and Unquiet- nefs ; and (as fome Hulbands are faid to be) A JEALOUS MAN. 431 is fick at the Stomach and pukes when his Wife breeds. Her Pleafures become his Pains, and ? by an odd Kind of Sympathy, the Bobs fhe re- ceives below break out on his Forehead, like a Tobacco-Pipe, that being knocked at one End breaks at the other. He feeks after his Honour and Satisfaction with the fame Succefs as thofe do, that are robbed, who may, perhaps, find the Thief, but feldom or never get their Goods again. He throws Crofs and Pile to prove him- felf a Cuckold or not, and as the World is al- ways apt to fide with the worft Senfe, let his Chance prove what it will, he plays at Crofs you loofe, and Pile I win. The Remedies he takes to cure his Jealoufy are worfe than the Difeafe ; for if his Sufpicion be true it is paft Cure j if falfe, he gives his Wife juft Caufe to make it true ; for it is not the Part of a virtuous Wo- man tofuffer herHufband knowingly to con- tinue in an Error. [ 43' 1 A N INSOLENT MAN DOES Mifchief, like a Perfon of Quality, merely for his Sport, and affronts a Man voluntarily of his own free Inclination, with- out any Merit of his, or Advantage of his own, or Expectation of Return, merely to pleafe himfelf. The meaner his Condition is, the more barbarous his Infoknce appears -, for Vices in the Rabble are like Weeds, that grow rankeft on a Dunghill. He has no Way to advance his own Pride, or Worth as he takes it, but by treading with Contempt and Scorn upon others. If he is in Authority, he does it not by the Virtue, but Vice of his Place j and the more odious his Carriage is the more he fuppofes it becomes him and his Authority. It is more notorious in bafe Perfons than o- thers, and moil in Slaves, as Dogs, that ufe to be tied up, are fiercer when they are let loofe. AN INSOLENT MAN. 433 He raifes himfelf as high as his Pride and Vain- glory will bear him, that he may light the heavier upon thofe that are under him j for he never meddles with others, unlefs he is fure of the Advantage, and knows how to come off. He treats Men more rudely than the Hangman, and wants his Civility to afk them Pardon for the ill Accommodation they are like to have from him. He ufes Men the beft Way that he underftands, and the worft that they do -, for when he thinks to appear braveft they efteem him the veriefl Wretch in the World. He is a fmall petty Tyrant, and in that is fo much the worfe 5 for the meaneil Tyrannies are al- ways the moil infufferable, as the thinner the Air is, the more it pierces. He is a diflenting Brother to Humanity, and as zealoufly barba- rous in civil Affairs, as others are made by their Churches. His Compofition is nothing but Pride and Choler, and he is hot in the fourth Degree, which is the next Door but one, on the left Hand as you go, to Poifon. The only Way to deal with him is to defpife him -, for no wife Man will be mad, if he can help it, becaufe he is bitten by a mad-Dog. VOL. II. F f [ 434 ] THE RASH MAN HA S a Fever in his Brain, and there- fore is rightly faid to be hot-headed. His Reaibn and his Actions run down Hill, born headlong by his unftaid Will. He has not Patience to confider, and, perhaps, it would not be the better for him if he had j for he is fo pofleii with the firft Apprehenfion of any Thing, that whatfoever comes after lofcs the Race, and is prejudged. All his Actions, like Sins, lead him perpetually to Repen- tance, and from thence to the Place from whence they came, to make more Work for Repentance ; for though he be corrected never fo often he is never amended, nor will his Hafte give him time to call to mind where it made him ftumble before j for he is always THE RASH MAN. 435 upon full Speed, and the Quicknefs of his Motions takes away and dazzles the Eyes of his Underflanding. All his Defigns are like Difeafes, with which he is taken fuddenly be- fore he is aware, and whatfoever he does is extempore, without Premeditation j for he believes a fudden Life to be the heft of all, as fome do a fudden Death. He purfues Things, as Men do an Enemy upon a Retreat> until he is drawn into an Ambufh for Want of Heed and Ciroimfpeclion. He falls upon Things as they lie in his Way, as if he {tumbled at them, or his Foot flipped and caft him upon them ; for he is commonly foiled and comes off with Bruifes. He en- gages in Bufmefs, as Men do in Duels, the fooner the better, that, if any Evil come of it, they may not be found to have flept upon it, or confulted with an effeminate Pillow in Point of Honour and Courage. He ftrikes when he is hot himfelf, not when the Iron is fo, which he defigns to work upon. His Tongue has no retentive Faculty, but is al- ways running like a Fool's Drivel. He can- npt keep it within Compafs, but it will be al- F f 2 436 THE RASH MAN. s ways upon the Ramble, and playing of Trick upon a Frolic, fancying of Paries upon Re- ligion, State, and the Perfons of thofe, that are in prefent Authority, no Matter how, to whom, or where; for his Difcretion is always out of the Way, when he has Occafion to make Ufe of it. f 437 ] s A I M IS a Soliciter of Love, a Whore's Broken, Procurator of the moil ferene Common- wealth of Sinners* and Agent for the Flefh and the Devil. He is a Bawd's Legate a latcre - His Function chiefly confifts in maintaining conftant Correfpondence and Intelligence, not only domeftic, that is, with all Hotifes profeft, but alfo foreign, that is, with all Lay-Sifters, and fuch as are in vofo only. He difguifes himfelf in as many Habits as a Romifo Prieft, from a Perfon of Honour to the Perfon of a Footman , but moil commonly (as thofe' others do) in that of a Gentleman j for among fuch his Bufmefs chiefly lies. He is the Bawd's Loader, that brings Corn to her Mill : But he never thrives confiderably in his Vocation 43 -8 A PIMP. without the Affiftance of fome accefiary Pro- feffion, as Medicine, Aftrology, filenced Mi- niirry, &c. which are wonderful Helps both for Difguife and Accefs. But if he want thefe Advantages, and be- but a mere Pimp of For- tune, he endeavours to appear, as if he did it for his Pleafure, out of a generous Freedom to communicate his own Diverfions with a Friend, and talks much of one Gentleman for another : neverthelefs he fuffers many difhonourable Indignities from the Ladies he relates to, who very well knowing his Calling to be but minifterial and fubordinate to their own, fail not upon all Occafions to infult moft tyrannically over him. Between thefe and the Juflice he lives under an arbitrary Govern- ment, much fubjecl: to Tribulation and Op- preiTion, unlefs he happen to be in Commif- fion himfelf (as it fometimes happens) and then he fupprefies all others, and engrofles the whole Trade into his own Hands. Nothing renders him fo accomplished as curing of Claps ; for then the one Operation aflifring the other he is fure never to be out of Employment. His Profeffion is of great Antiquity and Renown, and has been honoured by Emperors and great A PIMP. 439 Philofophers, that have been free of his Com- pany : for Caligula kept a Bawdy-Houfe him- felf, and Of bo and Seneca were Pimps to Nero. He is a Squire by his Place; for if Matrimony be honourable, Fornication is at leaft worfhipful. He is a perpetual Brideman, and by his Privilege may wear Garters in his Hat. He is a Settler of Jointures, and the Devil's Parfon, that joins Man and Wo- man together in the unholy State of Incon- tinence. His Life is a perpetual Wedding, and he is curft as often as a Matchmaker. He is a great Friend to Mountebanks; for where his Work ends the others commonly begins, and they gain more by him than the Plague, and he brings them in more Cuftom than their Bills. He is the Whores Jackal, that hunts out Treats for them all Day, and at Night has his Share in a Tavern-Supper, or a Treat at the. jetting Dog and Partridge, a a very fignificant Sign, like the Brokers Bird in Hand. He is the Sylvan to the Dryades of Lewkners Lane, and Hamadryades of little Sodom. Hs faftens his Plough to the Tail, as the Irljh do, and when one is rendered un- ferviceable he gets another. He is the Fore- Ff 440 A PI M P. man of a Bawd's Shop. He is Remembrancer of Opportunity, and a Doorkeeper in the Houfe of the Devil. He is a Conjunction copulative, that joins different Cafes-, Genders, and Perfons, A Pimp Is but a Whore's Familiar, or her Imp. THE AFFECTED or FORMAL T S a Piece of Clockwork, that moves only as * it is wound up and fet, and not like a vo- luntary Agent. He is a mathematical Body, nothing but punftum> lima & fuperficies, and perfectly abftract from Matter. He walks as iliily and uprightly as a Dog that is taught to go on his hinder Legs, and carries his Hands as the other does his Fore-feet. He is very ceremonious and full of Refpect to himfelf, for no Man ufes thofe Formalities, that docs not expect the fame from others. All his Ac- tions and Words are fet down in fo exact a Method, that an indifferent Accomptant may caft him up to a Half-penny Farthing. He does every Thing by Rule, as if it were in a Courfe of Lejfiuss Diet, and did not eat, but take a Dofe of Meat and Drink, and not walk, but proceed, not go, but march. He draws I 442 THE AFFECTED OR FORMAL. up himfelf with admirable Conduct in a very regular and well-ordered Body. All his Bu- fmefs and Affairs are Junctures and Tranfac- tions; and when he fpeaks with a Man he gives him Audience. He does not carry, but marfhal himfelf -, and no one Member of his Body politic takes Place of another without due Right of Precedence. He does all Things by Rules of Proportion, and never gives him- felf the Freedom to manage his Gloves or his Watch in an irregular and arbitrary Way ; ' but is always ready to render an Account of his Demeanour to the moil ftricl: and fevere Dif- quifition. He fets his Face as if it were caft in Plaifter, and never admits of any Commo- tion in his Countenance, nor fo much as the Innovation of a Smile without ferious and ma- ture Deliberation ; but preferves his Looks in a judicial Way, according as they have always been eftablifhed. I 443 J FLATTERER T S a Dog, that fawns when lie bites. He * hangs Bells in a Man's Ears, as a Car- man does by his Horfe, while he lays a heavy- Load upon his Back. His Infinuations are like ftrong Wines, that pleafe a Man's Pa- late till it has got within him, and then de- prives him of his Reafon, and overthrows him. His Bufmefs is to render a Man a ftranger to himfelf, and get between him and Home, and then he carries him, whither he pleafes. He is a Spirit, that inveighs away a Man from himfelf, undertakes great Matters for him, and after fells him for a Slave. I/e makes Divifion, not only between a Man and his Friends, but between a Man and himfelf, raifes a Faction within him, and after takes 444 A FLATTERER. Part with the ftrongeft Side, and ruins both* He fteals him away from himfelf (as the Fairies are faid to do Children in the Cradle) and after changes him for a Fool. He whittles to him, as a Carter does to his Horfe, while he whips out his Eyes, and makes him draw what he pleafes. He finds out his Humour and feeds it, till it will come to Hand ; and then he leads him whither he pleafes. He tickles him, as they do Trouts, until he lays hold on him, and then devours and feeds upon him. He tickles his Ears with a Straw, and while he is pleafed with fcratching it, picks his Pocket, as the Cut-purie ferved Bartl. Cokes. He embraces him and hugs him in his Arms, and lifts him above Ground, as Wreft- lers do, to throw him down again, and fall upon him. He pofleffes him with his own Praifes like an evil Spirit, that makes him fwell, and appear ftronger than he was, talk what he does not underfrand, and do Things that he knows nothing of, when he comes to him- felf. He gives good Words, as Doctors are faid to give Phyfick, when they are paid for it, and Lawyer's Advice, when they are fee'd beforehand. He is a poifoned Perfume, that A FLATTERER. 445 infefts the Brain, and murthers thofe it pleafes. He undermines a Man, and blows him up with his own Praifes, to throw him down. He commends a Man out of Defign, that he may be prefented with him, and have him for his Pains, according to the Mode, [ 446 ] PRODIGAL IS a Pocket with a Hole in the Bottom. His Purfe has got a Dyfentery, and loft its Re- tentive Faculty. He delights, like a fat over- grown Man, to fee himfelf fall away, and grow lefs. He does not fpend his Money, but void it, and, like thofe that have the Stone, is in Pain till he is rid of it. He is very loofe and incontinent of his Coin, and lets it fly, like Ju- piter, in a Shower. He is very hofpitable, and keeps open Pockets for all Comers. All his Silver turns to Mercury, and runs through him as if he had taken it for the miferere, or fluxed himfelf. The Hiftory of his Life be- gins with keeping of Whores, and ends with keeping of Hogs, and as he fed high at firft, fo he does at laft j for Acorns are very high Uc dujts his EJlate, sV.] Dufting a Stand of Ale is a Set of jolly Toners agreeing to purchafe a Barrel of Ale, and each one being A P R O D I G A L. 447 Food. He fwallows Land and Houfes like an Earthquake, eats a whole dining-Room at a Meal, and devours his Kitchen at a Breakfaft. He wears the Furniture of his Houfe on his Back, and a whole feathered-Bed in his Hat, drinks down his Plate, and eats his Difhes up. He is not cloathed, but hung. He'Jl fancy Dancers Cattle, and prefent his Lady with MefTuage and Tenement. He fets his Horfes at Inn and Inn, and throws himfelf out of his Coach at come the Caflcr. He ihould be a good Hufband, for he has made more of his Eftate in one Year, than his Anceftors did in twenty. He dufts his Eftate, as they do a Stand of Ale in the North. His Money in his Pocket (like hunted Venifon) will not keep ; if it be not fpent prefently it grows flale, and is thrown away. He poflcHes his Eftate as the Devil did the Herd of Swine, and is running it into the Sea as fad as he can. He has ihot it with a Zawpatan, and it will prefently fall, all to Duft. He has brought his Acres into a Confumption, and they are ilrangely fallen away, nothing but Skin and Bones left of a whole Manor. He provided with a Cup, to turn the Cock, and continue fucceflively drinking till dl is run cut. This is a Luiioiii in fome P:.rts of Lanc^Jh.re. 448 A PRODIGAL, will fhortly have all his Eftate in his Hands ; for, like Bias,, he may carry it about him. He lays up nothing but Debts and Difeafes, and at length himfelf in a Prifon. When he has fpent all upon his Pleafures, and has no- thing left for Suftenance, he efpoufes an Hof-' tefs Dowager, and refolves to lick himfelf whole again out of Ale, and make it pay him back all the Charges it has put him to. [ 449 ] A PETTIFOGGER IS an under- Coat to the Long- robe, a Kind of a coarfe Jacket, or dirty daggled Skirt and Tail of the long-Robe. His Bufinefs is, like a Spaniel's; to hunt and fpring Contention for the long-winded Buzzards to fly at. He is a faft Friend to all Courts of Juftice, but a mortal Foe to Juftice herfelf ; as fome Catho- lics have a great Reverence for the Church, but hate the Court of Rome. He is a Kind of Lavv- Heclor, that lives by making Quarrels between Man and Man, and profecuting or compound- ing them to his own Advantage. He is a con- ilant Frequenter of country Fairs and Markets, where he keeps the Clowns in Awe with his Tricks in Law, and they fear him like a Con- jurer or a cunning Man. He is no Gentle- man, but a Varlet of the Long-robe, a Pur- veyor of Suits and Differences, moft of which VOL. II. G g 45 o A PETTIFOGGER.- he converts to his own Benefit, and the red ta the Ufe of thofe he belongs to. He is a Law- feminary, that fows Tares amongft Friends to entangle them in Contention with one another, and fuck the Nourishment from both. He is like a Ferret in a Coney-Borough, that drives the poor filly Animals into the Purfe-Net of the L 4 &2 A GLUTTON* and he is troubled in Mind, when he mifies of it. His Teeth are very induftrious in their calling ; and his Chops like a Bridewell perpe- tually hatcheling. He depraves his Appetite with Haut-Goufts, as old Fornicators do their Lechery, into Fulfomnefs and Stinks. He licks himfelf into the Shape of a Bear, as thofe Beafts are faid to do their Whelps. He new forms himfelf in his own Belly, and becomes another Thing than Goo 7 and Nature meant him. His Belly takes Place of the Reft of his Mem- bers, and walks before in State. He eats out that which eats all Things elfe, Time 5 and is very curious, to have all Things in Seafon at his Meals, but his Hours, which are commonly at Midnight, and fo late, that he prays too late for his daily Bread, unlefs he mean his natural daily Bread. He is admirably learned in the. Doctrines of Meats and Sauces, and deferves the Chair in Juris-Prudentia y that is in the Skill of Pottages. At length he eats his Life out of Houfe and Home, and becomes a Treat for Worms, feils his Cloaths to feed his Gluttony, and eats himfelf naked, as the firft of his Fa- mily, Adam, did, R I B A L D T S the Devil's Hypocrite, that endeavours to * make himfelf appear worfe than he is. His evil Words and bad Manners flrive which fhall moil corrupt one another, and it is hard to fay which has the Advantage. He vents his Lechery at the Mouth, as fome Fiihes are faid to engender. He is an unclean Beafl that chews the Cud 5 for after he has fatisfied his Luft, he brings it up again into his Mouth to a fecond Enjoyment, and plays an After- game of Letchery with his Tongue much worfe than that which the Cunnilingi ufed among the old Romans. He ftrips Nature ftark-naked, and clothes her in the mofl fantaftic and ridiculous Fafhion a wild Imagination can invent. He is worfe and more nafly than a Dog j for in his broad Defcriptions of others obfcene Actions he does but lick up the Vomit of ano- 464 A RIBALD. ther Man's Surfeits. He tells Tales out of ^ vaulting School. A leud baudy Tale does more Hurt, and gives a worfe Example than the Thing of which it was told j for the Act extends but to few, and if it be concealed goes no further ; but the Report of it is un- limited, and may be conveyed to all People, and all Times to come. He expofes that with his Tongue, which Nature gave Women Mo- defly, and brute Beafts Tails to cover. He miftakes Ribaldry for Wit, though nothing is more unlike, and believes himfelf to be the finer Man the filthier he talks ; as if he were above Civility, as Fanatics are above Ordinan- ces, and held nothing more fhameful than to be afhamed of any Thing. He talks nothing but Aretines Pictures, as plain as the Scotch Dia- lect, which is efteemed to be the moft copious and elegant of the Kind. He irriproves and hufbands his Sins to the beft Advantage, and makes one Vice find Employment for another j for what he afts loofely in private, he talks as loofely of in public, and finds as much Pleafure in the one as the other. He endeavours to make himfelf Satisfaction for the Pangs his Claps and Botches put him to with A RIBALD. 465 vapouring and bragging how he came by them. He endeavours to purchafe himfelf a Reputation by pretending to that which the beft Men abominate, and the word value not t like one that clips and wafhes falfe Coin, and ventures his Neck for that which will yield him nothing. VOL. II. H h t 466 ] THOUGHTS UPON VARIOUS SUBJECTS. FAITH is fo far from being above Rea- fon, and Knowledge, that it is below Ignorance, which it depends upon : for no Man can believe and not be ignorant ; but he may be ignorant and not believe -Whenfcever Realbn and Demonflration appear, Faith and Ignorance vanifh together. They that difpute Matters of Faith into nice Particulars and curious Circumftances, do as unwifely as a Geographer, that would under- take to draw a true Map of Terra Incognita, by mere Imagination. For though there is fuch a Part of the Earth, and that not with- out Mountains and Vallies, and Plains, and VARIOUS SUBJECTS. 467 Rivers ; yet to attempt the Defcription of thefe, and affign their Situations and Tracts, with- out a View of the Place, is more than ridi- culous* He that thinks to pleafe God by forcing his Underftanding in Difquifitions of him beyond the Limits, which he has been pleafed to pre- fcribe, befide the Lofs of his Labour, does but endeavour to intrude where he is denied Accefs, and prepofleroufly attempts to ferve God by difobeying him. It is a dangerous Thing to be too inquifitive, and to fearch too narrowly into a true Religion : for fifty thoufand Bethjhemites were deflroyed for looking into the Ark of the Covenant-, and ten Times as many have been ruined for looking too curioufly into that Book, in which that Story is recorded. They that believe God does not forefee Ac. cidents, becaufe nothing can be known that is not, and Accidents have no being until they are in Act, are very much miftaken : for Acci- dent is but a Term invented to relieve Ignorance H h 2 468 THOUGHTS UPON of Caufes, as Phyficians ufe to call the ftrange Operations of Plants and Minerals occult >ua- lities ; not that they are without their Caufes, but that their Caufes are unknown. And, in- deed, there is not any Thing in Nature, oi" Event, that has not a Pedigree of Caufes, which, tho' obfcure to us, cannot be fo to God, who is the firil Caufe of all Things. Men inflicl: and fuffer Perfecution for Re- ligion with equal Zeal, and tho' both pretend to Confcience, both oftentimes are equally mif- taken. Almoft all the Miracles in the Jewifi Hif- tory, from their Deliverance from their firft Slavery by the Plagues of Egypt, to their fecond Captivity in Babylon, were performed by the Deftruction, Ruin, and Calamity of Man* kind But all thole, that our Saviour wrought to confirm his Doftrine, quite contrary, by raiting the Dead to Life, curing of defperate Difeafes, making the Blind fee, calling out of Devils, and feeding of hungry Multitudes, &c. but never doing Harm to any Thing ; all fuitable to thofe excellent Lefibns of Peace, Love, Charity, and Concord, to which the VARIOUS SUBJECTS. 469 whole Purpofe of all that he did or faid perpe- tually tended Whofoever, therefore, does en- deavour to draw Rules or Examples for the Practice of Chriftianity from the extraordinary Proceedings of the Jews, muft of Neceffity make a ftrange Confufion and adulterate Mix- ture of the ChrifKan Religion, by depraving and alloying it with that, which is fo directly averfe and contrary to its own Nature. And as this unnatural Mixture of two different Re- ligions was the firfl Caufe of DifTenfion among the Apoflles themfelves, and afterwards deteiv mined and refolved againft by them all : fo there is no Doctrine of Rebellion, that was ever vented among Chriflians, that was not re- vived and raifed from this Kind of falfe and forced Conftruction. The Enmities of religious People would never rife to fuch a Height, were it not for their Miftake, that God is better ferved with their Opinions than their Practices ; Opinions being very inconfiderable further than they have Influence upon Actions. H h 3 470 THOUGHTS UPON All Reformations of Religion feldom extend further than the mere Opinions of Men. The Amendment of their Lives and Conventions are equally unregarded by all Churches, how much foever they differ in Doctrine and Dif- cipline. And though all the Reformation our Saviour preached to the World was only Re- pentance and Amendment of Life, without taking any Notice at all of Mens Opinions and Judgments j yet all the Chriftian Churches take the contrary Courfe, and believe Religion more concerned in one erroneous Opinion, than all the mofl inhuman and impious Actions in the World. Charity is the chiefeft of all chriftian tues, without which all the reft fignify nothing for Faith and Hope can only bring us on our Way to the Confines of this World ; but Cha- rity is not only our Convoy to Heaven, but en- gaged to' flay with us there for ever And yet there is not any Sort of religious People in the World/ that will not renounce and difclaim this necefiary Caufe of Salvation for mere Trifles of the flighteft Moment imaginable -, nay, will not prepofleroufly endeavour to fecure their VARIOUS SUBJECTS. 471 eternal Happinefs by deflroying that, without which it is never to be obtained. From hence are all their fpiritual Quarrels derived, and fuch punctilios of Opinion, that though more nice and peevifli than thofe of Love and Honour in Romances, are yet maintained with fuch Ani- mofities, as if Heaven were to be purchafed no Way but that, which is the mofl certain, and infallible of all others to lofe it. They that profefs Religion, and believe it confifts in frequenting of Sermons, do as if they fhould fay, they have a great Defire to ferve God, but would fain be perfuaded to it. The Religion of the Pagans had its Foun- dation upon natural Philofophy, as the Chriftian may feem to have upon moral : for all thofe Gods, which the Ancients worfhipped as Per- fons, did but reprefent the feveral Operations of Nature upon feveral Kinds of Matter ; which being wrought by an invifible and unintelligi- ble Power, the wifeft Men of thofe Times could invent no Way fo fit and proper to re- duce them, with Refpecl and Reverence, to the H h 4 472 THOUGHTS UPON vulgar Capacity, as by exprefling them by the Figures of Men and Women (like the Egyptian Hieroglyphics, or as Poets and Painters do Vir- tues and Vices) and by afcribing Divinity to them introduce a Veneration in the Minds of the common People, (who are apt to contemn any Thing they can underftand, and admire no- thing but what is above their Capacity) which they would never have received upon any other Account ; and therefore with great Piety and Devotion adored thcfe Notions reprefented by Statues and Images, which they would never have regarded, if they had underftood If they "had underilood the natural Reafon of Thunder, they would never have facrificed to Jupiter, to divert it from themfelves. Their Capacities are naturally too dull to apprehend any Thing, that is ever fo little removed from outward Senfe, though it be derived from it ; but are won- derfully acute at unridling of Myfteries, and fuch Things as have no Relation at all to it. The Papifo fay they believe as the Church believes, and the Proteflants laugh at them for it, but do the very fame Thing themfelves ; all the Difference is, the mil believes by Whole- fale, and the laft by Retail The Papifts believe VARIOUS SUBJECTS. 473 fbmething, but they know not what ; the Pro- teftant believes this or that, but he knows not what it is The Papift believes what he can- not underftand without Examination; the Proteftant will examine, though he cannot un- derftand, before he will believe ; fo that though they differ in Words, they agree in the fame Thing. The Chriflian Religion in the primitive Times was bred up under the greater! Tyranny in the World, and was propagated by being oppreft and profecuted ; but in after Times, when it was delivered from that Slavery, it inclined to be tyrannical it felf : for when the Popes had reduced their crueller! Enemies the Roman Em- perors, they afiunned a greater and more extra- vagant Power, than the others ever pretended to > as if Religion having fervcd out an Ap- prenticelhip to Tyranny, as foon as it was out of its Time, had fet up for itfelf. All the Bufmefs of the World is but Dlver- fion, and all the Happincfs in it, that Man- kind is capable of, any Thing that will keep it from reflecting upon the Mifery, Vanity, and Nonfenfe of it > and whoever can by any 74 THOUGHTS UPON Trick keep himfelf from thinking of it, is as wife and happy as the beft Man in it. The more filly and ridiculous Things are in themfelves, the more facred and folemn Pre- tences they require to fet them off. There are more Fools than Knaves in the World, elfe the Knaves.would not have enough to live upon. Moft Men owe their Misfortunes rather to their Want of Difhonefty than Wit. The greateft Drunkards are the worft Judges of Wine; themoftinfatiable Letchers the moft ignorant Critics in Women ; and the greedieft Appetites, of the beft Cookery of Meats For thofe, that ufeExcefs in any Thing, never underfland the Truth of it, which always lies in the Mean. Courts of Juftice are like Court-Cards, which nobody wins by, but another lofes, ac- cording as they are dealt ; and commonly there b as much Chance in the one as the other, and VARIOUS SUBJECTS. 475 no lefs fhuffling One Ace beats them all as O. C.did. A Client is fain to hire a Lawyer to keep him from the Injury of other Lawyers ; as Chriflians, that travel in fttrkty, are forced to hire Janizaries to protect them from the Intb- Jcncies of other 'Turks. It is a wonderful filly Diftinclion that Di- vines make between getting of Children for Procreation only, and out of natural Concu- pifcence, which was only provided by Nature as a necefTary Means to produce the other ; as if it were a Sin to eat for Hunger, but not for the Support of Life. This Age will ferve to make a very pretty Farce for the next, if it have any Wit at all to make Ufe of it. Great Perfons of our Times do like Abfalom, when he rebelled againft his Father, commit Iniquity upon the Tops of Koufes, that all People may fee and take Notice of it. 4 ;6 THOUGHTS UPON The prefent Government does by the late Rebels like the Kingdom of Heaven, that is better pleafed with the Converfion of one Sin- ner, than ninety nine righteous Perfons, that need no Repentance. Public Actions are like Watches, that have fine Cafes of Gold or Silver, with a Window of Chriftal to fee the Pretences ; but the Move- ment is of bafer Metal, and the Original of all, the Spring, a crooked Piece of Steel So in the Affairs of State, the folemn ProfefHons of Religion, Jufticc> and Liberty are but Pretences to conceal Ambition*, Rapine > and ufeful Cheat. Dull-witted Perfons are commonly the fitteft Inftrunients for Wifemen to employ, if they have but Senfe enough to obferve Directions ; the Speculation of fuch Men into the Reafon of Aifairs being unfafe, and their Knowledge of why, or to what End they aft, as un- neceffary as it is for a Saw to know what it cuts. The chiefeft Art of Government is to con- vert the Ignorance, Folly and Madnefs of Man- kind, as much as may be to their own Good, VARIOUS SUBJECTS. 477 which can never be done by telling them Truth and Reafon, or ufmg any direct Means; but by little Tricks and Devices (as they cure Mad- men) that work upon their Hopes and Fears, to which their Ignorance naturally inclines them. There is no Difference between a Govern- ment that is managed by Law, and one that is maintained by Force, but that the one op- prefles in a gentle, and the other in a rugged Way. Princes, that have the Command of other Men, have lefs Freedom themfelves than the meaneft of their Subjects, and are tied to greater Refervations and Forbearances than the Reft of Mankind: for juft fo much Refpecl: as they flievv to the public Opinion of the World, will the World have of them, and no more. If the Power of our Houfe of Commons were in any one {ingle Perfon it would eafily devour all the reft, and convert them into itfelf, as it did when it was but in few Hands ; for the Power of the Purfe has naturally a greater 478 THOUGHTS UPON Command than any other But nothing keeps it within its Bounds fo much as being divided among fo many Perfons of equal Shares, who, like all Crowds, do but hinder one another in all Things that they undertake. For an Army of all Commanders would be in a worfe Con- dition than one that has none at all ; and though Schmon fays, in many Counfellors there is Strength, it is but like that of a Beafl, that knows not how to make Ufe of it. There is nothing in Nature more arbitrary than a Parliament, and yet there is nothing elfe, that is able to preferve the Nation from being governed by an arbitrary Power, and confine Authority within a limited Compafs; as a Prop can make a falling Houfe fland firm, though it cannot fland of itfelf, and a Bow make an Arrow fly, though it cannot fly it- felf. The Preferment of Fools and undeferving Perfons is not fo much an Honour to them, as Infamy and Difhonour to thofe that raife them > for when a Prince confers Honour on thofe, that do not deferve it, he throws it away out of his own Stock, and leaves himfelf fo much VARIOUS SUBJECTS. 479 the lefs, as he parts with to thofe that want Merit to pretend to it -, and by that ill Hufban- dry in time leaves himfelf none at all, to pay thofe to whom it is due. Princes and Governours have great Reafon to avoid and deprefs Men of penetrating and fmart Wits, efpecially if they have Integrity and Honefly For the Imprudence and Extra- vagance of their A&ions are not fit to be ex- pofed to the View and Cenfure of fuch Men ; to whom they cannot but appear in their moft deformed and fottifh Characters. The Juftice that is faid to eftablifh the Throne of a Prince, confifls no lefs in the Jufl- nefs of his Title, than the juft Adminiftration of his Government : for an unjuft Title cannot be fupported but by unjuft Means And for Want of this all our late Ufurpations mif- carried. Princes ought to give their Subjects as much of the Shadow of Liberty as they can for their Lives j but as little of the Reality of it, if they regard the Safety of themfelves, or their People. 480 THOUGHTS UPON The Ambition of fome Men, and the Wants of others, are the ordinary Caufes of all civil Wars. Governments, like natural Bodies, have their Times of Growing, Perfection, and Declining ; and according to their Conftitutions fome hold out longer, and fome decay fooner than others, but all in their Beginnings and Infancies are fubjec~l to fo many Infirmities and Imperfec- tions, that what Solomon faid of a Monarchy, Wo to that Kingdom whofe Prince is a Child, may be more juftly faid of a new Republic j and we may with as much Reafon fay, Wo be to that People, that live under a young Government : for as both muft of Necefiity be under Tutors, Protectors, and Keepers of Liberties, until they can give the World an Account, that they are able to govern of themfelves (which a Prince does in fewer Years than a Republic can in Ages) the People always naffer under fo many Lords and Matters j and though a Foundation of Liberty be laid, the Fruition of it is for After-Ages, like the planting of Trees, whofe Shade and Fruit is only to be enjoyed by Pof- terity- For what Protection can a Nation have from a Government that muft itfelf be protect- VARIOUS SUBJECTS. 481 d ? That muft maintain Guards and Armies at their own Charge to keep themfelves in Obe- dience, that is in Slavery, until in Procefs of Time by flow Degrees, that which was rugged at firft becomes gentle and eafy For as that, which was Tyranny at firft, does in time be- come Liberty : fo there is no Liberty, but in the Beginning was Tyranny. All unripe Fruit is harfh, and they, that live in new-built- Houfes, are apt to catch Difeafes and Infir- mities. Nor is it poffible to fettle any Govern- ment by a Model, that fhall hold, as Men con- trive Ships and Buildings : for Governments are made, like natural Productions, by De- grees, according as their Materials are brought in by Time, and thofe Parts of it, that are un- agreeable to their Nature, call off. He that keeps a watchful and vigilant Eye upon that Man's Intereft whom he is to treat withal ; and obferves it as the Compafs that all Men generally fleer by, fhall hardly be de- ceived with fair Pretences. Principles of Juflice and Right have chiefly Relation to- the general Good of Mankind, and VOL. II. I i 482 THOUGHTS UPON therefore have fo weak an Influence upon Parti- culars, that they give Place to the meanefl and mofl unworthy of private Interefls* The Deferts of good Men do not produce fo bad Effects being unrewarded, as the Crimes of evil Men unpunifhed For good Men are but difcouraged, but the bad become more per- verfe and wicked. It is fafer for a Prince to tolerate all Sorts of Debauchery than feditious Meetings at Con- venticles As thofe, that have the Stone, the Gout, or Confumption are not fhut up, becaufe their Difeafes are only hurtful to themfelves , but thofe, that have any contagious Maladies that are apt to fpread and infect Multitudes, are with all Care to be fhut up, and kept from converting with others, whom their Diflem- pers may endanger, and in Time propagate among the People. The worfl Governments are the befl, when they light in good Hands ; and the befl the worfl, when they fall into bad ones. 4 VARIOUS SUBJECTS. 483 The worft Governments are always the moft chargeable, and coft the People deareil ; as all Men in Courts of Judicature, pay more for the Wrongs that are done them, than the right. Princes that have loft their Credit and Repu- tation are like Merchants inevitably deftined to Ruin: for all Men immediately call in their Loyalty and Refpect from the firft, as they dp their Money from the latter. The Vices of Tyrants run in a Circle, and produce one another, begin with Luxury and Prodigality, which cannot be fupplied but by Rapine. Rapine produces Hate in the People, and that Hate Fear in the Prince j Fear Cruelty, Cruelty Defpair, and Defpair Deftruction. A Tyrant is a Monfter or Prodigy born to the Deftruclion of the beft Men; as among the Ancients, when a Cow calved a Monfter, great Numbers of Cattle, that were fair and perfect in their Kind, were prefently facrifked, to expiate and avert the ominous Portent. I 12 484 THOUGHTS UPON All Governments are in their Managements fo equal, that no one has the Advantage of another, unlefs in Speculation j and in that there is no Convenience that any particular Model can pretend to, but is as liable to as great Inconveniencies fome other Way j info- much that the worft of all Governments in Speculation, that is, Tyranny, is found to be the ben 1 in the Hands of excellent Princes, who re- ceive no Advantage from the Greatnefs of their Power, but only a larger Latitude to do Good to their Subjects, which the bed confHtuted Forms, that is, the mod limited, do but de- prive them of, and tye them up from doing Good, as well as Hurt. Princes have great Reafon to be allowed Flatterers to adore them to their Faces, becaufe they are more expofed to the Infamy and De- traction of the World, than the meaneft of their Subjects ; otherways they would be dealt with very unequally, to be bound to all the Infamy, true or falfe, that can be laid upon them, and not to be allowed an equal Freedom of Praife to qualify it; for though he may be abufed at any Man's Pleafure, he cannot be flattered without his own. VARIOUS SUBJECTS. 485 Oaths and Obligations in the Affairs of the World are like Ribbands and Knots in drefling, that feem to tie fomething, but do not at all For nothing but Jntereft does really oblige. As foon as a Man has taken an Oath a^ainfl O his Confcience, and done his Endeavour to damn himfelf, he is capable of any Truft or Employment in the Government j fo excellent a Quality is Perjury to render the moil perfi- dious of Men molt fit and proper for public Charges of the greatefl Confequence ; and fuch as have ever fo little Reflraint laid upon them by Confcience, or Religion, or natural Inte- grity, are declared infufficient and unable to hold any Office or public Trufl in the Nation And this is the modern Way of Teft* as they call it, to take Meafure of Men's Abilities and Faith by their Alacrity in fwearing ; and is, indeed, the moft compendious Way to exclude all thofe that have any Confcience, and to take in fuch as have none at all. The Wit of the Schoolmen, like the Righte- oufnefs of the Scribes and Pharifees, confifted 486 THOUGHTS UPON much in the (training of Gnats and fwallowing of Camels For they that are curious in Sub- tleties, and ignorant in things of folid Know- ledge, are but penny- wife and pound-foolifh. He that has lefs Learning than his Capacity is able to manage, (hall have more Ufe of it, than he that has more than he can matter. For no Man can have an active and ready Command of that which is too heavy for him. The Understanding of Man hath a Sphere of Activity, beyond which if it be forced it becomes unactive, as it does vigorous by being confined. Unlefs a Vine be pruned, it will bear no Fruit ; and he that related to the Se- nate de cocrcendh Imperil tet -minis was no un- wife Statefman. Opinion of Knowledge has ever been one of the chiefeft Caufes of Igno- rance ; for moft Men^know lefs than they might, by attempting to know more than they can. The Reafon why Fools and Knaves thrive better in the World than wifer and honefter Men is, becaufe they are nearer to the general Temper of Mankind, which is nothing but a VARIOUS SUBJECTS, 487 Mixture of Cheat and Folly, which thofe that underftand and mean better cannot comply with, but entertain themfelves with ano- ther Kind of Fool's Paradife of what fhould be, not what is \ while thofe that know no better, take naturally to it, and get the Start of others. The Obfervations of fome Men are like the fifting of Bakers, that retain the Bran, and let the Flour pafs through. It is both the wifeft and and fafeft Way in the World to keep at a convenient Diftance with all Men For when Men converfe too clofely, they commonly, like thofe that meet in Crouds, offend one another. He that has many Languages to exprefs his Thoughts, but no Thoughts worth exprefling, is like one that can write all Hands, but never the better Senfe j or can carl up any Sum of Money, but has none. The End of all Knowledge is to underftand what is fit to be done -, for to know what has 4 88 THOUGHTS UPON been, and what is, and what may be, does but tend to that. Doing and faying, and giving Advice and taking Advice, and underftanding and afting are all feveral Things, and fo averfe to one another, that they feldom or never meet in the fame Perfon For as Phyficians and Lawyers, that live by giving others Advice, do feldom make ufe of it on their own Occafions ; fo Men of greatefr. Undemanding and Know- ledge do as feldom make that Ufe of it for their own Advantages, as they do for the Benefit of ethers, which being a hard Condition impofed upon them by Nature, deferves rather to be pi- tied, than blamed. For Nature, that in her difliibutive Juflice endeavours to deal as equally as poffibly me can with all Men, and never beftows any Convenience without Allowance, would break her own Rules, if me fhould confer all her Favours upon any one Perfon, and not make him abate for it fome other Way. All Wit and contemplative Wifdom in the World muft of Neceffity appear lazy and idle,* for as it is performed by Cogitation and Think- VARIOUS SUBJECTS. 489 ing, and that cannot be done without a feden- tary Quietnefs, together with a prefent and agreeable Temper of Mind, which no Man has always ready at command, it cannot be avoided but much Time mud of Neceflity be fpent to no Purpofe, or very little, which might be faved if Men were always in a fit Humour to perform, what they defign and propofe to themfelves. For the more curious and fubtle Men's Capacities are, the further they are from being at their own difpofing. A great deal of Learning is like a great Houfe, very chargeable to be kept in Repair > and if it be too big for the owner's Ufe and Occafions, in a fmall Time it falls to Decay^ only by being not inhabited, that is, difconti- nued For no Man is the wifer for his Books, until he is above them ; and when he is fo, the utter Neglect of them will in a few Years bring him below them again , and as he was at firil raifed by them, fo is he ruined. In Univerlities Men are valued only upon the Account of their Ingenuity and Parts, which is feldom found to be obferved any where elfe For in Courts they are efleemed 49 o THOUGHTS UPON only for their Interefts ; and in great Cities only for their Wealth ; and in the common Stan- dard of the World, for what they affume and appear, not what they are. That which the wife Man prayed for of God in Ecclefiaftes to give him neither Riches nor Poverty is as much to be defired in Con- verfation and Bufmefs, to have nothing to do with Men that are very rich or poor ; for the one Sort are commonly inlblent and proud, and the other mean and contemptible ; and thofe that are between both are commonly the mofl agreeable. Ignorance is never fo abominable, as when it pretends to Wifdom and Learning ; for a- mong bad Things, thofe that feem to be the bed are always the worfr, as a probable Lye is more dangerous and apt to deceive, than that which is apparently falfe So Monkeys and Baboons s, that are between Man and Beaft, are worfe and more deformed than thofe Crea- tures that are all Beaft. All forced Conftruftions of difficult and learned Nonfenfe are like planing of Knots in VARIOUS SUBJECTS. 491 Wood, which when they are rough-hewn ap- pear deformed and crofs -grained every Way ; but when they are fmoothed and polifhed re- prefent the Shapes of Faces and other Figures, which to a ftrong Imagination may feem to have been meant and intended, when they fell out fo by Chance, and are rendered what they ap- pear by a fuperficial Glofs. Speculations with wife and knowing Men go for little, until they are approved by Prac- tice and Experiment : for commonly they ufe us as Glafles, and deliver that right in Appear- ance, that proves left in Tryal. There are. as many Sorts of Fools as there are of Dogs, from the largeft of Maftives and Irifh Greyhounds, to the fmalleft of Curs and Jfland Shocks, and all equally Fools, as the reft are Dogs. He that would write obfcure to the People needs write nothing but plain Reafon and Senfe, than which nothing can be more myf- terious to them : for to thofe, to whom myf- terious Things are plain, plain Things muft be myfterious. 492 THOUGHTS UPON They that have but a little Wit are com- monly like thofe that cry Things in the Streets, who if they have but a Groats-worth of rotten or ftinking Stuff, every Body that comes nigh fliall be lure to hear of it; while thofe that drive a rich noble Trade, make no Noife of it. Hard Students and great Artiils are com- monly moft ignorant in thofe Things that border upon their Arts and Profeliions ; as Priefts and Lawyers of Morality, practical Men of Speculation, and the fpeculative of Practice, He that applies himfelf to underftand Things that are not to be known, ufes his Wit and Induftry like the Edge of a Tool, that is cut upon a Thing that is too hard for it Befides his Lofs of Labour he does but render it more blunt and dull than it was before. Men take fo much Delight in lying, that Truth is fometimes forced to difguife herfelf in the Habit of Falfliood to get Entertainment, as in Fables and Apologues frequently ufed by the Ancients 3 and in this {he is not at all VARIOUS SUBJECTS. 493 imjuft, for Falfhood does very commonly ufurp her Perfon. Public Estimation commonly neglects fub- flantial Things, and cries up the flight and frivolous, like the Wind that pafTes over folid Bodies, and bears up Duft and Feathers. Dr. Sps\ Dedication of his Book to CL is not unlike what Marco Paolo relates of the Tartars, that they never eat nor drink, but they fpill fome of it on the Ground as an Offering to the Devil. The Writings of the Ancients are like their Coins - Thofe that have any lafting or na- tural Senfe, and Wk in them, are like Me- clals of Gold or Silver, and bear a Value a- mong all Men in all Times ; and thofe that have little or none are like thofe of Brafs, that have only a Value among a few, that efleem merely for their Antiquity. The ridiculous Wits of our Times have that indulgent Ignorance to themfelves, that they never impute any Thing that is fixed upon them (how apparently true foever) to their 494 THOUGHTS UPON own Faults, but afcribe it wholly to the Envy or Malice of others, as Fanatics do their juft Punifhments, and call them Perfections for Righteoufnefs inflicted by the Wicked. There is a perpetual civil War in the Com- monwealth of Learning, which has no lefs fair Pretences on all Sides, than politic Quarrels For as thofe commonly pretend Religion, Law, and Liberty ; fo do thefe Irutb, Reafon, and the Oppofticn of Error ; when really it is nothing but the Advantage of their own little Interefl, and the Contradiction of one another For, like Bowlers, if one lye nearer the Jack (Truth) than another can expect to lay himfelf, his next Bufmefs is to knock him away. There is a Kind of Phyfiognomy in the Titles of Books, no lefs than in the Faces of Men, by which a fkilful Obferver will as well know what to expect from the one as the other. Men of the quickeft Apprehenfions and apteft Geniufes to any Thing they undertake, do not always prove the greateit Mailers in it ' for there is more Patience and Phlegm re- VARIOUS SUBJECTS. 49$ quired in thofe that attain to any Degree of Perfection, than is commonly found in the Temper of active and ready Wits, that foon tire, and will not hold out - 3 as the fwifteft Race-liorfe will not perform a long Journey fo well as a fcurdy dull Jade Hence it is, that Virgil, who wanted much of that natural Eafmefsof Wit that OwWhad, did neverthelefs with hard Labour and long Study arrive at a higher Perfection, than the other with all his Dexterity of Wit, but lefs Induftry, could at- tain to The fame we may obferve of John- fon and Sbakefpear : for he that is able to think long and judge well will be fure to find out better Things, than another Man can hit upon fuddenly, though of more quick and ready Parts 3 which is commonly but Chance, and the other Art and Judgment. Moft Men of Learning have the fame Judg- ment and Opinion of Latin and Greek Authors, as they had when they were Children, and were taught to read them at School to underfland the Languages they wrote in, and not the Truth of their Reafon and Senfe, of which they were then incapable ; and becaufe they found them excellently ufeful for the learning of 496 THOUGHTS UPON Words, believe they are fo for all Things elfe. Bull and Miftake is not the worft Sort of Nonfenfe j for that may proceed from Incogi- tancy or Diverfion by fomething elfe : But Me- taphyfical, or that Nonfenfe, that is derived from Study and Confideration, is the more de- fperate; as Hippocrates fays - Sad and ftudious Madnefs is more incurable than that which is frolic and carelefs. The Spamjh Poets are excellent Defigners of Comedy, but very ill Writers, as it falls out commonly in painting. Our modern Authors write Plays as they feed Hogs in WeftpbaUu ; where but one eats Peafe As they feel Hogs in Weftphalia.] Mr. Pope introduces the fame humourous Allufion, upon an Occafion fomething fimilar to this, in the zd part of his latirical Dialogue entitled One thoufand, fweti hundred and thirty eight. Let courtly Wits to Wits affyrd Suppfy, As Hog to Hog in Hats o/ Weltphaf) ; If one through Nature's Bounty or his Lord**., Hoi -what the frugal, dirty Soil affords, prom, him the next receives if, thick of thin t *4s l ure a filejs elmoft as it came in ; VARIOUS SUBJECTS. 497 or Acorns, and all the refl feed upon his and one another's Excrements So the Spaniard firfl invents and defigns Plays ; The French borrow from them, and the Englljh from the French. It is much eafier to write Plays in Verfe than Profe j as it is harder to imitate Nature than any Deviation from her ; and Profe requires a more proper and natural Senfe and Expreffion than Verfe -, that has fomething in the Stamp and Coin, to anfwer for the Alloy and want of intrinfic Value. There are two Ways of Quibbling, the one with Words, and the other with Senfe, like the Figura Dittionis and Figures Sent entire in Rheto- ric. The firft is done by fhewing Tricks with The ble/ed benefit, not there con find, Drops to the third, t who nuzzles clofe behind ; From Tail to Mouth they feed, and they caroufe : Ihe lajl, full fairly gii/ts it to the Houfe. It muft be owned, that it is no uncommon Thing for two Wits to hit upon the fame Thought ; but yet there is fomething fo whim- fical and out of the common Road in this, and, one may add, fo much of Butler's Manner and Humour in it, that it feems highly probable, either that Pope had feen. thefe Manuferipts, or had taken a Hint from fome Converfation with Bifhop Atterbury, who, as I have obferved before, had been favoured by Mr. Longuevillt with the Jnfpection of them. VOL. II. K k 49 3 THOUGHTS UPON Words of the fame Sound, but -different Senfes ; and the other by expreffing of Senfe by Con- tradiction and Riddle Of this Mr. Waller was the firft mod copious Author, and has fo infected our modern Writers of Heroics with it, that they can hardly write any other Way ; and if at any Time they endeavour to do it, like Horfes, that are put out of their Pace, they prefently fall naturally into it again *Trotto d 1 Afino dura poco. Dr. Donne 's Writings are like Voluntary or Prelude, in which a Man is not tied to any par- ticular Defign of Air, but may change his Key or Mood at Pleafure ; fo his Compositions feem to have been written without any parti- cular Scope. Mr. Montague the EfFayift feems, when he wrote, to have been either a little warmed with Wine, or naturally hot-headed. They are very weak Critics, wjio fuppofe a Poet, that writes a Play, ought (like one that rides with a Halter about his Neck) to bring all his Defign and Contrivance within fo VARIOUS SUBJECTS. 499 hiany Hours, or elfe be hanged for it As if things of greater Importance, and much more to the Purpofe, were to be omitted for a mere Curiofity, which none but the Capricious take Notice of. Thofe that profefs the inftrumental Arts, as Grammar, Rhetoric, and Logic, are like Or- gan-makers, that underfland all the inward Fabric of the Bellows, Pipes, &c. and can tell when any Thing is out of Order, and how to mend it, and yet cannot tell how to play fo well, as one that knows nothing but the Keys. A Man may be deceived and cheated with Truth, if he want Judgment, no lefs than with FaHhood; as he may {tumble and fall in the right Way for want of Care, as well as in the wrong. Since the Knowledge of Good and Evil are infeparable, it hath pleafed Almighty God, that Man fliould know lefs how to do himfelf good than he might, left he fhould know more how to do others Hurt, than is fit for him. Kk 500 THOUGHTS UPON Fools are always wrangling and difputing, and the lefs Reafon they have, the more earneft they are in Controverfy ; as Beggars are always quarrelling about dividing an Alms ; and the paltriefl Trades, will higgle more for a Penny, than the richer! will do for a Pound. A credulous Perfon is like a Pitcher born by the Ears, empty of itfelf, but apt to hold what- foever is put into it. Although very few Men in the World are content with their own Fortunes and Eftates, but would gladly change on any Terms for the leaft Advantage, yet no Man was ever unfatis- fied with his own Underflanding (efpecially if it were defective) but always believed himfelf to be as well provided that Way, as any of his Neighbours For Ignorance is one of thofe Infirmities, that are infenfible -, and though it be ever fo defperately fick feels no Pain, nor Want of Health at all.- Clergymen expofe the Kingdom of Heaven to fale, that with the Money they may pur- chafe as much as they can in this World j and therefore they extol and magnify the one, as VARIOUS SUBJECTS. 501 all Chapmen do a Commodity they defire to part with, and cry down the other, as all Buy- ers are wont to do that which they have the great- eft Longing to purchafe, only to bring down the Price, and gain the better Bargain by it And yet in the general the World goes on ftill as it ufed to do; and Men will never utterly give over the other World for this, nor this for the other. There is nothing in the World, that breeds Atheifm like Hypocrify ; and the LicentiouG- nefs of the prefent Age owes its original to no- thing fo much, as the counterfeit Piety of the laft And it is well for the World, that there is nothing to be gotten by Atheifm ; for if there were, thofe who profefs God only to af- front him for Gain, would with greater Rea- fon and lefs Impudence utterly difown him, if there were nothing to be loft in the Exchange. An Hypocrite hides his Vices, as a Dog does his Meat when his Belly is full, until he has a frefh Appetite, and then he knows where to treat himfelf again. K k 3 5 o2 THOUGHTS UPON The Godly will not admit, that Grace and Morality fliould be the fame, although there is nothing more true ; for then their Want of both would plainly appear; Grace in their Senfe being nothing but a Difpenfation for the Defect of moral Virtue, and granted only to thofe, who are God Almighty's efpecial Fa- vourites ; as Titles of Honour are but Tickets and Exemptions, to difpenfe with Men for want of real Honour, or Mandates to enable them to take their Degrees without doing their Exercifes. The Fanatics have changed the Method that Chrifl obferved in calling his Apoilles, and take a clean contrary Courfe ; for thofe, that he called, left their Trades to follow him, as St. Peter did the mending of his Nets ; bat thefe Men call themfelves to follow their Trades and him too ; and as St. Matthew left his re- ceiving of Money to turn Apoftle, they turn Apoftles, only that they may get in to receive Money. Religion never made any Man in the World juii and honeil, who had not fome Founda- tion for it in his Nature before ; for all the VARIOUS SUBJECTS. 50,3 Operation it can have upon others is but ar- tificial, and all their Conventions prevail no further upon their natural Corruptions, than to enable them to perform the fame unjuft and wicked Actions under other Forms and Dif- penfations, which their Inclinations led them to before, and not feldom render them more barbarous and inhuman than they were before, when Zeal and Confcience light in their Way to ferve for Pretences. Our Saviour was not fo fevere to any Sort of People among the Jews as the Scribes and Pharifees, who were but Sectaries and Fanatics of that Religion, whom he perpetually brands with the Name of Hypocrites, condemns as the worft of Mankind, and prefers Publicans* and Sinners (which were thofe Kind of Peo- ple our modern Pharifees call the Wicked) every where before them, with whom he vouch- fafed to converfe ; but we never hear, that he would have any Thing to do with the Zealots, of thofe Times. The firft Quarrel and Murther, that ever was committed in the World was upon a fanatic K k 4 5 o 4 THOUGHTS UPON Emulation in Religion, when Cain killed the fourth Part of all Mankind his Brother Abel> merely out of Zeal for feeing the Truth of his Brother's religious Worfhip preferred before his own, though God himfelf were Judge And ever fince that Time much about the fame Proportion of all Mankind has conftantly been deftroyed by the refl upon the very fame Account. The late thorough Reformation, though pre- tended and defigned to force the proteftant Re- ligion further off from Popery than it was be- fore eflablifhed, did propagate it more than thrice fo many Years had done before -, and by endeavouring to deftroy the Church of Eng- Jand recruited that of Rome, more than all their Seminaries and Powder-plots could have done if they had taken Effect j befide the van: Num- ber of Sectaries and Fanatics, which the zealous Reformers engendered by equivocal Generation, to devour and prey upon them- felves 5 and in the End were but reduced to their Conventicles, and in a worfe Condition than they were before And if there had been Priefts and Jefuits among them, as fome believed, they could not poflibly have done the" VARIOUS SUBJECTS. 505 Pope better Service, or Religion in general more Mifchief than they did. Monasteries are but a Kind of civil Bedlams, where thofe that would be otherwife trouble- fome to the World, are perfuaded to fhut up themfelves. When the Devil tempted Chrift, he fet him on the higherr. Pinacle of the Temple Great Church- Preferments are great Temptations. The Church of Rome teaches the People Religion, as Men teach Singing-birds fhut them up, and keep them dark. Princes and States do by Religion, as the' King of France does by his Salt, who makes every Man, that is his Subject, take a Quan- tity of it, whether he ufe it or not. The Curiofities of Ceremony in the Church of Rome are like the painted Glafs in. Church - Windows defigned to keep out Light, not to let it in. 506 THOUGHTS UPON The Empire and the Church out of it have ojjferved the felf-fame Method and Order in their Increafe, Height, and Decay For as the Empire was raifed upon the Virtue and Courage of many excellent Perfons produced by feveral Ages, and when it came into the Hands of a fmgle Perfon did immediately de- generate into all the Lewdnefs, Vice and Ty- ranny imaginable : So the Church ', that was founded upon the Piety, Devotion, and Mar* tyrdom of the primitive Chriftians, when it came to be fettled under the fole Authority of the Popes, did prefently fall from its firfl In. tegrity, and grew fo highly debauched from what it was in the Beginning, that as the one Extremity had already in a Manner deilroyed the Empire -, fo the other has very near equally done Church, and in time is like to be the final Ruin of it. The Popes heretofore ufed to fend Chrijlian Princes to plant Religion with the Sword among Pagans, while they with Tric'ks and Artifices planted the Pagan at Home. Equivocation is worfe than plain Lying in Matters of Religion For a Lyer intends VARIOUS SUBJECTS. 507 only to cheat another Man j but he that equi- vocates does at once defign to deceive God, and his own Confcience, and another Man too. Men commonly never regard their Souls, till they have fpoiled their Bodies, like our Richard the Third, who when he had killed the Brother, fell in Love with the Sifter. The jWtfzVtf/and Levitical Law was deliver- ed by God to Mofes the civil Magiftrate, and by him to Aaron the Prieft. There are two Sorts of People that profefs Religion, the Hypocrites, and thofe that mean well - The Hypocrites are not only the greater Number, but the more fubtle and crafty, that profefs Religion as a Trade, and therefore omit no Occafion to make the faireft Shews and pretend to the greateft Zeal - The Well-mean- ing are commonly fo eafy and fimple, that they always fuffer themfelves to be governed by the Hypocrites, who with wrefted and mif-applied Texts of Scripture and Pulpit-Sophiftry can eafily make them believe any Wickednefs, how inhuman focver, to be a Chriftian Duty. 5o3 THOUGHTS UPON Certainly Almighty God will not be fo un- rperciful (fincc his Mercy is above all his Works) to Mankind, as to expofe the eternal Being of Souls to the Pafiion, Intereft, and Ignorance of thofe, that make themfelves his Mefiengers, and do their own Work in his Name. When Abfakm had refolved to rebel againft the King his Father, he had no Way fo proper to put his Defign in Execution, as that of pre- tending to pay a Vow, which he had made to the Lord. All Innovations in Church and State are like new-built Houfes, unwholefome to live in, un- til they are made healthful and agreeable by Time. The Practice of the Church of Rome., and that of the Reformation in dealing with Sinners is like that of a Charletan and a learned Phyfician in curing of Claps ; for as the one will not undertake a Cure, unlefs the Patient will enter into a Courfe and obferve Rules, which the other will difpenfe with, and give him Leave to o abroad and follow his Oc- VARIOUS SUBJECTS. 509 cafions, that is, fuch as gave him the Difeafe : fo the reformed Churches will not prbmife Forgivenefs of Sins without Repentance and Amendment of Life, which the Church of Rome freely difpenfes withal, and upon mere Confeflion and Penance performed gives them pardon, and Freedom to do the fame Things Rebellion is faid to be like the Sin of Witch- craft j becaufe both are promoted and managed with nothing elfe but Lies, and Cheats, and Impoftnres For civil Arms can neither be raifed, nor maintained by honeft Means. The more falfe any Religion is, the more induflrious the Priefts of it are to keep the People from prying into the Myfleries of it ; and by that Artifice render them the more zealous, and confident in their Ignorance. Men ought to do in Religion as they do in War When a Man of Honour is overpower- ed, and muft of Neceffity furrender himielf up a Prifoner, fuch are always wont to endeavour to do it to fome Perfon of Command and Quality, and not to a mean Scoundrel: So S io THOUGHTS UPON fince all Men are obliged to be of fome Church^' it is more honourable, if there were nothing elfe in it, to be of that which has fome 'Re- putation, than fuch a one as is contemptible, andjuflly defpifed by all the beft of Men. Gathering of Churches is like the gathering Grapes off Thorns, or Figs off Thirties - For as thofe harfh and untraclable Plants feem to be no Part of the firfl Creation, but to come in afterwards with the Curfe ; fo are all Schif- matics to the Churches, which they fet up againfl. Ordinary wicked Perfons, that have any Impreilion of human Nature left, never com- mit any great Crime without fome Averfion and Diflike, although it be not flrong enough to prevail againfl the prefent Motives of Uti- lity or Interefl; and commonly live and die penitent for it- But the modern Saint, that believes himfelf privileged, and above Nature, engages himfelf in the mod horrid of all Wickednefs with fo great an Alacrity and Af- furance, and is fo far from Repentance, that he puts them upon the Accompt of pious Duties and good Works. VARIOUS SUBJECTS. 511 I have known fome Profefibrs of Religion, who had perpetually nothing but the Name of God, and the Lord, and Confcience, and Re* ligion in their Mouths j and yet would never venture the Lofs of one Penny for either, but get as much as poffibly they could by all : and at the fame Time have feen fome Perfons, whom by their Difcourfe no Man would guefs, after a Year's Converfation, to have any Con- cernment at all for Religion, and yet would rather lofe all they had, than endure to do any Thing againft their Confciences, which the other would embrace with all Alacrity for a fmall Reward, under the Pretence of Piety. By the Laws of Nature the flrongefr, have an undoubted Power to command the weaker: But in Religion and the civil Life the wifeft and ableft are fain to comply and fubmit to the weakerl and moft ignorant, for their own Quiet and Convenience. Vices, like Weeds, grow by being neglect- ed} but Virtues, like Herbs, degenerate and grow wild, if there be not care taken of them. Both render a Man equally contemptible when they are openly profeft, and gloried in: For 5 i2 THOUGHTS UPON Virtue lofes itfelf and turns Vice in doing that which is contrary to its own Nature Many Virtues may become Vices by being ill managed; but no one Vice by any Means a Virtue. Pleafures have the fame Operations upon t he Underflanding that Sweet-meats have upon the Palate j the one being rendered as unapt to judge of the true State of Things, as the other is of Taftes. No Man's Reputation is fafe where Slander is become a Trade and Railing a Commodity $ where Men may get a Living by defaming others, and eat upon any Man's Credit, that has any Reputation to lofe j where a Scribler at once fatisfies his Itch of writing, his Pe- tulance, Malice, or Envy, and his Neceflity. Greatnefs and Bafenefs of Mind endure In- juries, Afflictions, and Affronts fo equally, that it is a hard Matter to diftinguifh which is the true Caufe ; and fometimes perhaps both may at once contribute to the fame Effect.. I N I University of California SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY 405 Hilgard Avenue, Los Angeles, CA 90024-1388 Return this material to the library from which it was borrowed. OE >198 MAR V * '5