THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT, M.D. WITH MEMOIRS OF HIS LIFE; TO WHICH IS PREFIXED A VIEW OF THE COMMENCEMENT AND PROaRESS OF ROMA.NCE, BY JOHN MOORE, M.D. A NEW EDITION, EDITED BY JAMES P. BROWNE, M.D. IN EIGHT VOLUMES. VOL. III. LONDON: BICKERS AND SON, 1, LEICESTER SQUARE. H. SOTHERAN and CO., 136, STRAND. 1872. LONDON : PRINTED BY HEAD, HOLE AND CO., FARRIXGDON STREET, AND PATERNOSTER ROW, E.C. THE ADVENTURES PEEEGEINE PICKLE IN WHICH ARE INCLUDFD MEMOIES OF A LADY OF QUALITY. 'Eespicere exemplar vit£e morumqvie jubebo ' Doctiiuti imitatoreni, et veras hinc ducere voces.' — Hor. ADVERTISEMENT SECOND EDITION. At length ' Peregrine Pickle ' makes his appearance in a new edition, in spite of all the art and industry that were used to stifle him in the birth by certain book- sellers and others, who were at uncommon pains to misrepresent the work, and calumniate the author. The performance was decried as an immoral piece, and a scurrilous libel ; the author was charged with having defamed the characters of particular persons, to whom he lay under considerable obligations ; and some formidable critics declared that the book was void of humour, character, and sentiment. These charges, had they been supported by proof, would have certainly damned the writer and all his works ; and even, unsupported as they were, had an unfavourable effect with the public ; but, luckily for him, his real character was not unknown, and some readers were determined to judge for themselves, rather than trust implicitly to the allegations of his enemies. The book was found not altogether unworthy of their recommendation : a very large impression has been sold in England ; another was bought u]3 in a neigh- bouring kingdom ; the work has been translated into the French language ; and the demand for the original lately increased in England. It was the author's duty, therefore, as well as his interest, to oblige the public with this edition, which he has endeavoured to render less unworthy of their acceptance, by retrenching the superfluities of the first, reforming its manners, and vi ADVERTISEMENT. correcting its expressions. Divers uninteresting inci- dents are wholly suppressed ; some humorous scenes he has endeavoured to heighten; and he flatters him- self that he has expunged every adventure, phrase, and insinuation that could be construed by the most deli- cate reader into a trespass upon the rules of decorum. He owns with contrition, that in one or two instances he gave way too much to the suggestions of personal resentment, and represented characters, as they ap- peared to him at that time, through the exaggerating medium of prejudice; but he has in this impression endeavoured to make atonement for these extrava- gances. Howsoever he may have erred in point of judgment or discretion, he defies the whole world to prove that he was ever guilty of one act of malice, ingratitude, or dishonour. This declaration he may be permitted to make without incurring the imputation of vanity or presumption, considering the numerous shafts of envy, rancour, and revenge, that have lately, both in private and in public, been levelled at his reputation. Note. — The two letters relating to the ' Memoirs of a Lady of ' Quality,' inserted at the beginning of the third volume [the fourth of the present edition], were sent to the editor by a person of honour. The present editor does not think it advisable to place those two letters (after the manner of Anderson and Eoscoe) immediately before the chapter which contains the ' Memoirs of a Lady of Quality,' as the narration of these Memoirs begins at the ninth chapter of the volume. And, moreover, as the eighth chapter ends thus — ' to ' gi-atify his curiosity in these words ' — it would not be quite proper abruptly to intercept the narrative by the intrusion of those letters. He deems it right, therefore, to adhere to Dr. Moore's arrangement ; and especially, as Dr. Anderson, to suit his own plan, was obliged to change Smollett's own words into the following — namely, ' to gratify ' his curiosity bi/ the account given in the following volume;' while Koscoe, who has the Memoirs in the midst of a volume, has it thus — ' by the account given in the following chajyter.' CONTENTS THE THIRD VOLUME CHAPTER I. PACE An account of Mr. G-amaliel Pickle. The dispo- sition of his sister described. He yields to her solicitations, and returns to the country . . 1 CHAPTER n. He is made acquainted with the characters of Commodore Trunnion and his adherents; meets with them by accident, and contracts an inti- macy with that commander .... 6 CHAPTER HI. Mrs. Grizzle exerts herself in finding a proper match for her brother ; who is accordingly introduced to the young lady, whom he marries in due season . . . . . . .19 CHAPTER IV. The behaviour of Mrs. Grizzle at the wedding, with an account of the guests . . . .24 VOL. III. h Vlii CONTENTS. CHAPTER V. Mrs. Pickle assumes the reins of government in her own family, her sister-in-law midertakes an enterprise of great moment, but is for some time diverted from her purpose by a very inte- resting consideration . . . . .28 CHAPTER VI. Mrs. Grizzle is indefatigable in gratifying her sister's longings. Peregrine is born, and ma- naged contrary to the directions and remon- strances of his aunt, who is disgusted upon that account, and resumes the plan she had before rejected ........ 35 CHAPTER VII. Divers stratagems are invented and put in practice, in order to overcome the obstinacy of Trunnion, who at length is teased and tortured into the noose of wedlock ...... 46 CHAPTER VIII. Preparations are made for the commodore's wed- ding, which is delayed by an accident that hurried him the Lord knows whither . . 52 CHAPTER IX. He is found by the lieutenant ; reconducted to his own house ; married to Mrs. Grizzle, who meets with a small misfortune in the night, and asserts . her prerogative next morning ; in consequence of which her husband's eye is endangered. . 60 CONTENTS. ix PAGE CHAPTER X. The commodore being in some cases restive, his lady has recourse to artifice in the establish- ment of her throne ; she exhibits symptoms of pregnancy, to the unspeakable joy of Trunnion, who nevertheless is baulked in his expectation . 68 CHAPTER XL Mrs. Trunnion erects a tyranny in the garrison, while her husband conceives an affection for his nephew Perry, who manifests a peculiarity of disposition even in his tender years . . 74 CHAPTER XII. Peregrine is sent to a boarding-school, and be- comes remarkable for his genius and ambition . 79 CHAPTER XIIL The commodore takes Peregrine under his own care. The boy arrives at the garrison; is strangely received by his mother ; enters into a confederacy with Hatchway and Pipes, and executes a couple of waggish enterprises upon his aunt ........ 88 CHAPTER XIV. He is also, by their advice, engaged in an adven- ture with the exciseman, who does not find his account in his own drollery . . . .99 h—2 CONTENTS. CHAPTER XV. The commodore detects tlic macliinations of the conspirators, and hires a tutor for Peregrine, whom he settles at Winchester School . .100 CHAPTER XVI. Peregrine distinguishes himself among his school- fellows, exposes his tutor, and attracts the par- ticular notice of the master . . . .112 CHAPTER XVII. He is concerned in a dangerous adventure with a certain gardener; sublimes his ideas, com- mences gallant, and becomes acquainted with Miss Emily Gauntlet . . . . .117 CHAPTER XVIII. He inquires into the situation of this young lady with whom he is enamoured ; elopes from school ; is found by the lieutenant, conveyed to Winchester ; and sends a letter with a copy of verses to his mistress , . . . .127 CHAPTER XIX. His messenger meets with a misfortune, to which he applies a very extraordinary expedient that is attended with strange consequences . .136 CONTENTS. XI PAGH CHAPTER XX. Peregrine is summoned to attend his uncle, is more and more hated by his own mother ; ap- peals to his father, whose condescension is de- feated by the dominion of his wife . . .143 CHAPTER XXL Trunnion is enraged at the conduct of Pickle. Peregrine resents the injustice of his mother, to whom he explains his sentiments in a letter. Is entered at the University of Oxford, where he signalizes himself as a youth of an enterprising genius . 149 CHAPTER XXII. He is insulted by his tutor, whom he lampoons ; makes a considerable progress in polite litera- ture ; and in an excursion to Windsor, meets with Emilia by accident, and is very coldly received. 156 CHAPTER XXIII. After sundry unsuccessful efforts, he finds means to come to an explanation with his mistress ; and a reconciliation ensues . . . . .164 CHAPTER XXIV. He achieves an adventure at the assembly, and quarrels with his governor . . . .174 Xii CONTENTS. PAGE CHAPTER XXV. * He receives a letter from his aunt, breaks with the commodore, and disobliges the lieutenant, who, nevertheless, undertakes his cause . .182 CHAPTER XXVI. He becomes melancholy and despondent ; is favoured with a condescending letter from his uncle, reconciles himself to his governor ; and sets out with Emilia and her friend for Mrs. Gauntlet's house . . . . . .190 CHAPTER XXVII. They meet with a dreadful alarm on the road; arrive at their journey's end. Peregrine is introduced to Emily's brother ; these two young gentlemen misunderstand each other. Pickle departs for the garrison . . . . .196 CHAPTER XXVIII. Peregrine is overtaken by Mr. Gauntlet, with whom he fights a duel, and contracts an intimate friendship. He arrives at the garrison, and finds his mother as implacable as ever. He is insulted by his brother Gam, whose preceptor he disciplines with a horsewhip . . .204 CHAPTER XXIX. He projects a plan of revenge, which is executed against the curate . . . . . .212 CONTENTS. Xlil FAOE CHAPTER XXX. Mr. Sackbut and liis pupil conspire against Peregrine, who, being apprised of their design by his sister, takes measures for counterworking their scheme, which is executed by mistake upon Mr. Gauntlet. This young soldier meets with a cordial reception from the commodore, who generously decoys him into his own interest . 218 CHAPTER XXXI. The two young gentlemen display their talents for gallantry, in the course of which they are involved in a ludicrous circumstance of distress, and afterwards take vengeance on the author of their mishap . . . . . . .227 CHAPTER XXXn. The commodore sends a challenge to Gamaliel, and is imposed upon by a waggish invention of the lieutenant. Peregrine, and Gauntlet . 233 CHAPTER XXXni. Peregrine takes leave of his aunt and sister, sets out from the garrison, parts with his uncle and Hatchway on the road, and, -vyith his governor, arrives in safety at Dover . . . .238 CHAPTER XXXIV. He adjusts the method of his correspondence with Gauntlet ; meets, by accident, with an Italian charlatan, and a certain apothecary, who proves to be a noted character ..... 242 xiv CONTENTS. CHAPTEE XXXV. He embarks for France ; is overtaken by a storm ; is surprised with the appearance of Pipes; lands at Cahiis, and has an affray with the officers of the Custom-house . . . . • .251 CHAPTER XXXVI. He makes a fruitless attempt in gallantry ; departs for Boulogne, where he spends the evening with certain English exiles . . . . .259 CHAPTER XXXVII. Proceeds for the capital. Takes up his lodging at Bernay, where he is overtaken by Mr. Hornbeck, whose head he longs to fortify . . . .267 CHAPTER XXXVIII. They set out in company, breakfast at Abbeville, dine at Amiens, and about eleven o'clock arrive at Chantilly, where Peregrine executes a plan which he had concerted upon Hornbeck . .272 CHAPTER XXXIX. He is involved in an adventure at Paris, and taken prisoner by the city guard. Becomes acquainted with a French nobleman, Avho introduces him in the beau monde . . . . . .277 CHAPTER XL. Acquires a distinct idea of the French Government; quarrels with a mousquetaire, whom he after- CONTENTS. XV PAGE wards fights and vanquishes, after having punished him for interfering in his amorous recreations . . . . . . .285 CHAPTER XLI. Mr. Jolter threatens to leave him on account of his misconduct, which he promises to rectify ; but his resolution is defeated by the impetuosity of his passions. He meets accidentally with Mrs. Hornbeck, who elopes with him from her husband, but is restored by the interposition of the British Ambassador . . . . .294 CHAPTER XLH. Peregrine resolves to return to England ; is di- verted with the odd characters of two of his countrymen, with whom he contracts an ac- quaintance in the apartments of the Palais Royal 304 CHAPTER XLIII.l He introduces his new friends to Mr. Jolter, with whom the doctor enters into a dispute upon Government, which had well-nigh terminated in open war . . . . . . .313 CHAPTER XLIV. The doctor prepares an entertainment in the manner of the ancients, which is attended with divers ridiculous circumstances . . .319 Xvi CONTENTS. I'AGE CHAPTER XLV. The painter is persuaded to accompany Pickle to a masquerade in woman's apparel ; is engaged in a troublesome adventure, and with his companion conveyed to the Bastile . . . 330 CHAPTER XLVI. By the fidelity of Pipes, Jolter is informed of his pupil's fate. Confers with the physician. Applies to the ambassador, who with great difficulty obtains the discharge of the prisoners, on certain conditions ..... 336 CHAPTER XLVII. Peregrine makes himself merry at the expense of the painter, who curses his landlady, and breaks with the doctor ...... 341 CHAPTER XLVni. Pallet conceives a hearty contempt for his fellow- traveller, and attaches himself to Pickle, who, nevertheless, persecutes him with his mischievous talent upon the road to Flanders . . .350 CHAPTER XLIX. Nor is the physician sacred from his ridicule. They reach Arras, where our adventurer engages in play with two French officers, who next morn- ing give the landlord an interesting proof of their importance . . . . . .358 CONTENTS. Xvil CHAPTER L. Peregrine moralizes upon their behaviour, which is condemned by the doctor, and defended by the governor. They arrive in safety at Lisle, dine at an ordinary, and visit the citadel. The physician quarrels with a North Briton, who is put in arrest . . . . . .363 CHAPTER LI. Pickle engages with a Knight of Malta in a con- versation upon the English stage, which is fol- lowed by a dissertation on the theatres of the ancients by the doctor . . . . .370 CHAPTER LIL An adventure happens to Pipes, in consequence of which he is dismissed from Peregrine's service. The whole company set out for Ghent in the diligence. Our hero is captivated by a lady in that carriage ; interests her spiritual director in his behalf 376 CHAPTER LHI. He makes some progress in her affections ; is inter- rupted by a dispute between Jolter and a Jew; appeases the wrath of the Capuchin, who pro- cures for him an interview with his fair enslaver, in which he finds himself deceived . . .384 CHAPTER LIV. He makes another effort towards the accomplish- ment of his wish, which is postponed by a strange accident . , 390 xviii CONTENTS. PAGE CHAPTER LV. They depart from Ghent. Our hero engages in a political dispute with his mistress, whom he offends, and pacifies with submission. He prac- tises an expedient to detain the carriage at Alost, and confirms the priest in his interest . .395 CHAPTEU LVI. The French coquette entraps the heart of the Jew, against whom Pallet enters into a conspiracy ; by which Peregrine is again disappointed, and the Hebrew's incontinence exposed . . .401 CHAPTER LVn. Pallet, endeavouring to unravel the mystery of the treatment he had received, falls out of the frying- pan into the fire ...... 407 CHAPTER LYHI. Peregrine, almost distratted with his disappoint- ment, conjures the fair Fleming to permit his visits at Brussels. She withdraws from his pursuit . . . . . . . .419 CHAPTER LIX. Peregrine meets with Mrs. Hornbeck, and is con- soled for his loss. His valet-de-chambre is em- broiled with her duenna, whom, however, he finds means to appease .^ . ... . 426 CONTENTS. XIX PAOE CHAPTER LX. Hornbeck is informed of his wife's adventure with Peref^rine, for whom he prepares a stratagem, wliich is rendered ineffectual by the information of Pipes. The husband is ducked for his inten- tion, and our hero apprehended by the patrol . 431 CHAPTER LXI. Pereo-rine is released. Jolter confounded at his mysterious conduct. A contest happens between the poet and painter, who are reconciled by the mediation of their fellow-travellers . . . 438 CHAPTER LXH. The travellers depart for Antwerp, at which place the painter gives a loose to his enthusiasm . 445 CHAPTER LXHI. Peregrine artfully foments a quarrel between Pal- let and the physician, who fight a duel on the ramparts ....... 452 CHAPTER LXIV. The doctor exults in his victory. They set out for Rotterdam, where they are entertained by two Dutch gentlemen in a yacht, which is over- turned in the Maeze to the manifest hazard of the painter's life. They spend the evening with their entertainers, and next day visit a cabinet of curiosities ....... 4G2 XX CONTENTS. CHAPTER LXV. They proceed to the Hague ; whence they depart . for Amsterdam, where they see a Dutch tragedy. Visit the music-house, in which Peregrine quar- rels with the captain of a man-of-war. They pass through Haerlem in their way to Leyden. Return to Rotterdam, where the company se- parates; and our hero, with his attendants, arrives in safety at Harwich . . . 469 CHAPTER LXVI. Peregrine delivers his letters of recommendation at London, and returns to the garrison, to the unspeakable joy of the commodore and his whole family . . . ... . , 476 CHAPTER LXVII. Sees his sister happily married. Visits Emilia, who receives him according to his deserts . . 484 CHAPTER LXVIII. He attends his uncle, with great affection, during a fit of illness. Sets out again for London ; meets with his friend Godfrey, who is prevailed upon to accompany him to Bath ; on the road to which place they chance to dine with a person, who entertains them with a curious accomit of a certain company of adventurers . . .491 CHAPTER LXIX. Godfrey executes a scheme at Bath, by which a whole company of sharpers is ruined . .497 CONTENTS. XXI CHAPTEE LXX. The two friends eclipse all their competitors in gallantry, and practise a pleasant project of revenge upon the physicians of the place . . 502 CHAPTER LXXI. Peregrine humbles a noted Hector, and meets with a sti'ange character at the house of a certain lady 511 CHAPTER LXXn. He cultivates an acquaintance with the misan- thrope, who favours him with a short sketch of his history . . . . , . .518 THE ADVENTURES PEEEGEINE PICKLE CHAPTER I. An account of Mr. Gamaliel Pickle. The disposition of his sister described. He yields to her solicitations ., and returns to the country. In a certain county of England, bounded on one side by the sea, and at the distance of one hundred miles from the metropolis, lived Gamaliel Pickle, Esq., the father of that hero whose adventures we propose to record. He was the son of a merchant in London, who (like Rome), from small beginnings, had raised himself to the highest honours of the city, and acquired a plentiful fortune, though, to his infinite regret, he died before it amounted to a plum, conjuring his son, as he respected the last injunction of a parent, to imitate his industry and adhere to his maxims, until he should have made up the deficiency, which was a sum consi- derably less than fifteen thousand pounds. This pathetic remonstrance had the desired effect, upon his representative, who spared no pains to fulfil VOL III. 1 2 THE ADVENTURES OF the request of the deceased, but exerted all the capacity with which nature had endowed him in a series of efforts, which, however, did not succeed ; for, by the time he had been fifteen years in trade, he found him- self five thousand pounds worse than he was when he first took possession of his father's efi'ects ; a circum- stance that affected him so nearly as to detach his inclinations from business, and induce him to retire from the world to some place where he might at lei- sure deplore his misfortunes, and, by frugality, secure himself from want and the apprehensions of a gaol, with Avhich his imagination was incessantly haunted. He was often heard to express his fears of coming on the parish ; and to bless God, that, on account of his having been so long a housekeeper, he was entitled to that provision. In short, his talents were not naturally active, and there was a sort of inconsistency in his cha- racter ; for, with all the desire of amassing which a citizen could possibly entertain, he was encumbered by a certain indolence and sluggishness that prevailed over every inter^ted consideration, and even hindered him from profiting by that singleness of apprehension, and moderation of appetites, which have so frequently conduced to the acquisition of immense fortunes, quali- ties which he possessed in a very remarkable degree. I Nature, in all probability, had mixed little or nothing inflammable in his composition ; or, whatever seeds of excess she might have sown within him were effec- I tually stifled and destroyed by the austerity of his i^education. The sallies of his youth, far from being inordinate or criminal, never exceeded the bounds of that decent jollity which an extraordinary pot, on extraordinary occasions, may be supposed to have produced in a club of sedate bookkeepers, whose imaginations were neither PEREGRINE PICKLE. 3 very warm nor luxuriant. Little subject to refined sensations, he was scarce ever disturbed with violent emotions of any kind. The passion of love never interrupted his tranquillity ; and if, as Mr. Creech says after Horace — Not to admire is all the art I know. To make men happy and to keep them so, Mr. Pickle was undoubtedly possessed of that invalu- able secret ; at least, he was never known to betray the faintest symptom of transport, except one evening at the club, when he observed, with some demonstra- tions of vivacity, t hat he h pd rlinpfl u pon a delicate loi n V pf^veal. Notwithstanding this appearance of phlegm, he could not help feeling his disappointments in trade ; and upon the failure of a certain underwriter, by which he lost five hundred pounds, declared his design of relin- quishing business, and retiring to the country. In this resolution he was comforted and encouraged by his only sister,C^Ir^. Grizzle, who had managed his family since the death of his father, and was now in the thirtieth year of her maidenhood, with a fortune of five thousand pounds, and a large stock of economy and devotion. These qualifications, one would think, might have been the means of abridging the term of her celibacy, as she never expressed any aversion to wedlock ; but, it seems, she was too delicate in her choice to find out a mate to her inclination in the city ; for I cannot suppose that she remained so long unsolicited ; though the charms of her person were not altogether enchant- ing, nor her manner over and above agreeable. Exclu- sive of a very wan (not to call it sallow) complexion, which perhaps was the effect of her virginity and 1—2" 4 THE ADVENTURES OF mortification, she had a cast in her eyes that was not at all engaging, and such an extent of mouth as no art or affectation could contract into any proportionable dimension : then her piety was rather peevish than re- signed, and did not in the least diminish a certain stateliness of her demeanour and conversation, that delighted in communicating the importance and honour of her family, which, by-the-bye, was not to be traced two generations back by all the power of heraldry or tradition. She seemed to have renounced all the ideas she had acquu'ed before her father served the office of sheriff; and the era which regulated the dates of all her observations was the mayoralty of her papa. Nay, so solicitous was this good lady for the support and propagation of the family name, that, suppressing every selfish motive, she actually prevailed upon her brother to combat with his own disposition, and even surmount it so far, as to declare a passion for the person whom he afterwards wedded, as we shall see in the sequel. Indeed, she was the spur that instigated him in all his extraordinary undertakings ; and I question whether or not he would have been able to disengage himself from that course of life in which he had so long me- chanically moved, unless he had been roused and actuated by her incessant exhortations. London, she observed, was a receptacle of iniquity, where an honest unsuspecting man was every day in danger of falling a sacrifice to craft ; where innocence was ex- posed to continual temptations, and virtue eternally persecuted by malice and slander ; where everything was ruled by caprice and corruption, and merit utterly discouraged and despised. This last imputation she pronounced with such emphasis and chagrin as plainly denoted how far she considered herself as an example PEREGRINE PICKLE. 5 of what she advanced ; and really the charge was justified by the constructions that were put upon her retreat by her female friends, who, far from imputing it to the laudable motives that induced her, insinuated, in sarcastic commendations, that she had good reason to be dissatisfied with a place where she had been so long overlooked ; and that it was certainly her wisest course to make her last effort in the country, where, in all probability, her talents would be less eclipsed, and her fortune more attractive. Be this as it will, her admonitions, though they were powerful enough to convince, would have been insuffi- cient to overcome the languor and vis inertioe of her brother, had she not reinforced her arguments by call- ing in question the credit of two or three merchants with whom he was embarked in trade. Alarmed at these hints of intelligence, he exerted himself effectually : he withdrew his money from trade, and, laying it out in Bank Stock and India Bonds, removed to a house in the country, which his father had built near the seaside, for the convenience of carrying on a certain branch of traf&c in which he had been deeply concerned. Here then Mr. Pickle fixed his habitation for life, in the six-and-thirtieth year of his age ; and though the pang he felt at parting with his intimate com- panions, and quitting all his former connexions, were not quite so keen as to produce any dangerous disorder in his constitution, he did not fail to be extremely dis- concerted at his first entrance into a scene of life to which he was totally a stranger. Not but that he met with abundance of people in the country, who in con- sideration of his fortune courted his acquaintance, and breathed nothing but friendship and hospitality ; yet even the trouble of receiving and returning these civi- 6 THE ADVENTURES OF litles was an intolerable fatigue to a man of his habits and disposition. He therefore left the care of the ceremonial to his sister, who indulged herself in all the pride of formality ; while he himself, having made a discovery of a public-house in the neighbourhood, went thither every evening, and enjoyed his pipe and can, being very well satisfied with the behaviour of the landlord, whose communicative temper was a great comfort to his own taciturnity ; for he shunned al l su]3erfiuity of_ajie££k. as much as he avoided any oth er un iiecessar^jexpense. CHAPTER 11. He is made acquainted with the characters of Commodore Trunnion and his adherents; meets ivith them hy acci- dent^ and contracts an intimacy loith that commander. This loquacious publican soon gave him sketches of all the characters in the county ; and, among others, described that of his next neighbour, Commodore Trunnion, which was altogether singular and odd. ' The commodore and your worship,' said he, ' will ' in a short time be hand and glove ; he has a power ' of money ; and spends it like a prince — that is, in ' Ills own way — for to be sure he is a little Immor- ' some, as the saying is, and swears woimdily; though ' I'll be sworn he means no more harm than a sucking ^ babe. Lord help us ! it will do your honour's heart ' good to hear him tell a story, as how he lay along- ' side tlie French, yard-arm and yard-arm, board and ' board, and of heaving grapplings, and stink-pots PEREGBINE PICKLE. 7 and grapes, and round and double-headed partridges, crows and carters — Laud have mercy upon us ! he has been a great warrior in his time, and lost an eye and a heel in the service. Then he does not live like any other Christian landman; but keeps garrison in his house, as if he were in the midst of his enemies, <^ and makes his servants turn out in the night, watch and watch (as he calls it), all the year round. His habitation is defended by a ditch, over which he has made a drawbridge, and planted his court-yard with ^\-^ patereroes continually loaded with shot, under the di- rection of one Mr. Hatchway, who had one of his legs shot away while he acted as lieutenant on board the commodore's ship, and now, being on half-pay, lives with him as his companion. The lieutenant is a very brave man, a great joker, and, as the saying is, had got the length of his commander's foot. Though he has another favourite in the house, called Tom Pipes, that was his boatswain's mate, and now keeps the servants in order. Tom is a man of few words, but an excellent hand at a song, concerning the boat- swain's whistle, hussle-cap, and chuck-farthing — there is not such another pipe in the county. So that the commodore lives very happy in his own manner ; th'of he be sometimes thrown into perilous passions and quandaries, by the application of his poor kinsmen, whom he can't abide, because as how some of them were the first occasion of his going to sea. Then he sweats with agony at the sight of an attorney ; just for all the world as some people have an antipathy to a cat ; for, it seems, he was once at law, for striking one of his officers, and cast in a swinging sum. He is, moreover, exceedingly af- flicted with goblins that disturb his rest, and keep such a racket in his house, that you would think THE ADVENTURES OF (God bless us !) all the devils in hell had broke loose upon us. It was no longer ago than last year, about this time, that he was tormented the livelong night by two mischievous spirits that got into his chamber, and played a thousand pranks about his hammock (for there is not one bed witliin his walls). Well, sir, he rang his bell, called up all his servants, got lights, and made a thorough search ; but the devil a goblin was to be found. He had no sooner turned in again, and the rest of the family gone to sleep, than the foul fiends began their game anew. 'The commodore got up in the dark, drew his cutlass, and attacked them both so manfully, that, at five minutes, every- thing in the apartment went to pieces^ The lieute- nant, hearing the noise, came to his assistance. Tom Pipes, being told what was the matter, lighted his match, and going down to the yard fired all the patereroes as signals of distress. Well to be sure, the whole parish was in a pucker ; some thought the French had landed ; others imagined the commo- dore's house was beset by thieves ; for my own part, I called up two dragoons that are quartered upon me ; and they swore, with deadly oaths, it was a gang of smugglers engaged with a party of their regiment that lies in the next village ; and mounting their horses like lusty fellows, rode up into the country as fast as their beasts could carry them. Ah, master ! these are hard times, when an indus- trious body cannot earn his bread without fear of the gallows. Your worship's father (God rest his soul !) was a good gentleman, and as well respected in this parish as ere a he that walks upon neat's leather. And if your honour should want a small parcel of fine tea, or a few ankers of right Nants, I'll be bound vou shall be furnished to your heart's content. But, 'v^ V t. PEREGRINE PICKLE. 9 as I was saying, the hubbub continued till morning, when the parson, being sent for, conjured the spirits into the Red Sea; and the house has been pretty quiet ever since. True it isj Mr. Hatchway makes a mock of the whole affair ; and told his commander, in this very blessed spot, that, the two goblins w^ere Vj^^^ no other than a couple of jackdaws, which had fallen down the chimney, and made a flapping with their wings up and dow^i the apartment. But the com- modore, who is very choleric, and does not like to be jeered, fell into a main high passion, and stormed like a perfect hurricane, swearing that he knew a devil from a jackdaw as well as e'er a man in the three kingdoms. He owned, indeed, that the birds were found, but denied that they were the occasion of the uproar. For my own part, master, I believe much may be said on both sides of the question ; th'of, to be sure, the devil is always going about, as the saying is.' This circumstantial account, extraordinary as it was, never altered one feature in the countenance of Mr. Pickle, who, having heard it to an end, took the pipe from his mouth, saying, with an air of infinite sagacity and deliberation, 'I do suppose he is of the Cornish Trunnions. What sort of a woman is his spouse ? ' Spouse ! ' cried the other, ' odds heart ! I don't think he would marry the queen of Sheba. Lack-a-day ! sir, he won't suffer his own maids to lie in the garrison, but turns them into an out-house, every night before the watch is set. Bless your honour's soul! he_is, as it were, a very oddish kind of^a"] o-entleman. Your worship would have seen him i before now ; for, when he is well, he and my good master Hatchway come hither every evening, and drink a couple of cans of rumbo apiece; but he has 5. 10 THE ADVENTURES OF ' been confined to his house this fortnight by a plaguy ' fit of the gout, which, I'll assure your worship, is a ' good penny out of my pocket.' At that instant Mr. Pickle's ears were saluted with such a strange noise, as even discomposed the muscles of his face, which gave immediate indications of alarm. This composition of notes at fii'st resembled the crying of quails, and croaking of bullfrogs ; but, as it approached nearer, he could distinguish articulate sounds pronounced with great violence, in such a cadence as one would expect to hear from a human creature scolding through the organs of an ass. It was neither speaking nor braying, but a surprising mixture of both, employed in the utterance of terms absolutely unintelligible to our wondering merchant, who had just opened his mouth to express his curiosity, when the landlord, starting up at the well-known sound, cried, ' Odd's niggers ! there is the commodore ' with his company, as sure as I live ; ' and with his apron began to wipe the dust off an elbow chair placed at one side of the fire, and kept sacred for the ease and convenience of this infirm commander. While he was thus occupied, a voice, still more uncouth than the former, bawled aloud, ' Ho ! the house, a hoy ! ' Upon which the publican, clapping a hand to each side of his head, with his thumbs fixed to his ears, rebellowed, in the same tone which he had learned to imitate, ' Hilloah ! ' The voice again exclaimed, ' Have you ' got any attorneys aboard ? ' and when the landlord replied, ' No, no,' this man of strange expectation came in, supported by his two dependents, and dis- played a figure every way answerable to the oddity of his character. He was in stature at least six feet high, though he had contracted an habit of stooping by living so long on board ; his complexion was tawny. PEREGRINE PICKLE. 11 and liisj;S;^ect^ reM§Z^^ 5l5fP^ ^J-.^ large scar across , his nose, and a patch that covered the place of one eje. Being seated in his chair, with great formality, the landlord complimented him upon his being able to come abroad again ; and having, in a whisper, com- municated the name of his fellow-guest, whom the commodore already knew by report, went to prepare, with all imaginable despatch, the first allowance of his favourite liquor, in three separate cans (for each was accommodated with his own portion apart), while the lieutenant sat down on the blind side of his com- y mander ; and Tom Pipes, knowing his distance, with great modesty took his station in the rear. After a pause of some minutes, the conversation was begun by this ferocious chief, who fixing his eye upon the lieutenant with a sternness of countenance not to be described, addressed him in these words : ' D — my eyes ! Hatchway, I always took you to be a better seaman than to overset our chaise in such fair weather. Blood ! didn't I tell you we were running bump ashore, and bid you set in the lee-brace, and haul up a wind ? ' — ' Yes,' replied the other, with an arch sneer, ' I do confess as how you did give such orders, after you had run us foul of a post, so as that the carriage lay along, and could not right herself I run you foul of a post ! ' cried the commander. D — my heart ! you're a pretty dog, an't you, to tell me so aboveboard to my face ? Did I take charge of the chaise ? Did I stand at the helm ? ' — ' No,' answered Hatchway, ' I must confess you did not steer; but, howsomever, you cunned all the way, and so, as you could not see how the land lay, being blind of your larboard eye, we were fast ashore before you knew anything of the matter. Pipes, who stood abaft, can testify the truth of what I say.' 12^ THE ADVENTURES OF ' D — my limbs ! ' resmned the commodore, ' I don't ' value what you or Pipes say a rope-yarn. You're a ' couple of mutinous I'll say no more ; but you ' shan't run your rig upon me, d — ye. I am the man ' that learnt you, Jack Hatchway, to splice a rope, ' and raise a perpendicular.' The lieutenant, who was perfectly well acquainted with the trim of his captain, did not choose to carry on the altercation any farther ; but, taking up his can, drank to the health of the stranger, who very courteously returned the compliment, without, how- ever, presuming to join in the conversation, which suffered a considerable pause. During this interruption, Mr. Hatchway's wit displayed itself in several prac- tical jokes upon the commodore, with whom, he knew, it was dangerous to tamper in any other way. Being without the sphere of his vision, he securely pilfered his tobacco, drank his rumbo, made wry faces, and (to use the vulgar phrase) cocked his eye at him, to the no small entertainment of the spectators, Mr. Pickle himself not excepted, who gave evident tokens of uncommon satisfaction at the dexterity of this j marine pantomime. Meanwhile, the captain's choler gradually subsided ; and he was pleased to desire Hatchway, by the familiar and friendly diminutive of Jack, to read a newspaper that lay on the table before him. This task was accordingly undertaken by the lame lieutenant, who, among other paragraphs, read that which follows, with an elevation of voice that seemed to prognosti- cate something extraordinary. ' We are informed, that ' Admiral Bower will very soon be created a British ' peer, for his eminent services during the war, par- ' ticularly in his late engagement with the French fleet.' Trunnion was thunderstruck at this piece of intelli- ^■- ^ ■ ■ "S PEREGRINE PICKLE. 13 gence. The mug dropped from his hand, and sliivered into a thousand pieces ; his eye glistened hke that of a rattlesnake, and some minutes elapsed before he could pronounce, ' Avast ! Overhaul that article again.' It was no sooner read the second time, than, smiting the table with his fist, he started up, and, with the most violent emphasis of rage and indignation, ex- claimed, ' .D — my heart and liver ! 'tis a land lie, d'ye see ; and T will maintain it to be a lie, from the spritsail yard to the mizentop-sail haulyards ! Blood and thunder ! Will. Bower a peer of this realm ! a fellow of yesterday, that scarce knows a mast from a manger; a snotty-nose boy, whom I myself have ordered to the gun, for stealing eggs out of the hen- coops ! and I, Hawser Trunnion, who commanded a ship before he could keep a reckoning, am laid aside, d'ye see, and forgotten ! If so be as this be the case, there is a rotten plank in our constitution, which / ought to be hove down and repaired, d — my eyes ! ^ For my own part, d'ye see, I was none of your Guinea pigs ; I did not rise in the service by parlia- menteering intei:jest, or a_ handsome Jbitchgf a wife. • I was not hoisted over the bellies of better men, nor strutted athwart the quarter-deck in a laced doublet, and thingumbobs at the wrists. D — my limbs ! I have been a hard-working man, and served all offices on board from cook's shifter to the command of a vessel. Here, you Tunley, there's the hand of a sea- man, you dog.' So saying, he laid hold of the land- lord's fist, and honoured him with such a squeeze as compelled liim to roar with great vociferation, to the infinite satisfaction of the commodore, whose features were a little unbended by this acknowledg- ment of his vigour ; and he thus proceeded, in a less outrageous sti-ain : ' They make a d — noise about 14 THE ADVENTURES OF this engagement with the French; but, egad! it was no more than a bumboat-battle, in comparison with some that I have seen. There was okl Eook and Jennings, and another, whom I'll be d d before I name, that knew what fighting was. As for my own share, d'ye see, I am none of those that halloo m their own commendation; but, if so be that I were minded to stand my own trumpeter, some of those little fellows that hold their heads so high would be taken all aback, as the saying is, they would be ashamed to show their colours, d — my eyes. I once lay eight glasses alongside of the Flour de Louse^ a French man-of-war, though her metal w^as heavier, and her complement larger by an hundred hands than mine. You, Jack Hatchway, d — ye, what d'ye grin at? D'ye think I tell a story, because you never heard it before ? ' ' Why, look ye, sir,' answered the lieutenant, ' I am glad to find you can stand your own trumpeter on occasion : th'of I wish you would change the tune ; for that is the same you have been piping every watch for these ten months past. Tunley himself will tell you, he has heard it five hundred times.' God forgive you, Mr. Hatchway,' said the landlord, .nterrupting him, 'as I'm an honest man and a house- keeper, I never heard a syllab' of the matter.' This declaration, though not strictly true, was ex- tremely agreeable to Mr. Trunnion, who, with an air of triumph, observed, ' Aha ! Jack, I thought I should 'bring you up, with your gibes and your jokes; but, ' suppose you had heard it before, is that any reason ' why it shouldn't be told to another person? There's • the stranger, belike he has heard it five hundred times ' too; han't you, brother?' addressing himself to Mr. Pickle ; who, replying with a look expressing curiosity, PEREGRINE PICKLE. 15 No, never ;' he thus went on : ' Well, you seem to be an honest, quiet sort of a man ; and therefore you must know, as I said before, I fell in with a French man of war. Cape Finisterre bearing about six leagues on the weather bow, and the chase three leagues to leeward, going before the wind : whereupon I set my studding sails, and coming up with her, hoisted my jack and ensign, and poured in a whole broadside, before you could count three rattlins, in the mizen shrouds ; for I always keep a good look-out, and love to have the first fire.' — ' That I'll be sworn,' said Hatchway ; ' for, the day we made the Triumph^ you ordered the men to fire when she was hull-to, by the same token we below pointed the guns at a flight of gulls ; and I won a can of punch from the gunner, by killing the first bird.' Exasperated at this sarcasm, he replied, with great vehemence, ' You lie, lubber ! D — your bones ! What business have you to come always athwart my hause in this manner? You, Pipes, was upon deck, and can bear witness, whether or not I fired too soon. Speak, you blood of a , and that upon the word of a seaman : how did the chase bear of us when I gave orders to fire ? ' Pipes, who had hitherto sat silent, being thus called upon to give his evidence, after divers strange gesticu- ^ lations, opened his mouth like a gasping cod, and, with >^ 'f^*" * a cadence like that of the east wind siiiging through a l^ "' '^ ' cranny, pronounced, ' Half a quarter of a league rio-ht ' upon our lee-beam.' — 'Nearer,you porpus-fac'd swab ! ' cried the commodore. 'Nearer by twelve fathoms; but, ' howsomever, that's enough to prove the falsehood of ' Hatchway's jaw ; and so, brother, d'ye see ' (turning to Mr. Pickle), ' I lay alongside of the Flour de Loiise^ ' yard-arm and yard-arm, plying our great guns and ' small arms, and heaving in stink-pots, powder-bottles. 16 THE ADVENTURES OF ' and hand-grenades, till our shot was all expended, ' double-headed, partridge, and grape : then we loaded ' with iron crows, marlin-spikes, and old nails ; but ' finding the Frenchman took a great deal of drubbing, ' and that he had shot away all our rigging, and killed * and wounded a great number of our men, d'ye see, ' I resolved to run him on board upon his quarter, * and so ordered our grapplings to be got ready ; but ' monsieur, perceiving what we were about, filled his ' topsails, and sheered off, leaving us like a log upon ' the water, and our scuppers running with blood.' Mr. Pickle and the landlord paid such extraordinary attention to the rehearsal of this exploit, that Trunnion was encouraged to entertain them with more stories of the same nature ; after which, he observed, by way of encomium on the government, that all he had gained in the service was a lame foot and the loss of an eye. The lieutenant, who could not find in his heart to lose any opportunity of being witty at the expense of his commander, gave a loose to his satirical talent once more, saying, ' I have heard as how you came by your ' lame foot, by having your upper decks overstowed ' with liquor, whereby you became crank, and roll'd, ' d'ye see, in such a manner, that, by a pitch of the ' ship, your starboard heel was jammed in one of the ' scuppers ; and, as for the matter of your eye, that was ' knocked out by your own crew when the Lightning ' was paid off. There's poor Pipes, who was beaten ' into all the colours of the rainbow for taking your ' part, and giving you time to sheer off; and I don't ' find as how you have rewarded him according as he ' deserves.' As the commodore could not deny the truth of these anecdotes, however unseasonably they were introduced, he affected to receive them with good humour, as jokes of the lieutenant's own inventing ; PEREGRINE PICKLE. 17 and replied, ' Ay, ay, Jack, everybody knows yonr ' tongue is no slander ; but, howsomever, I'll work you ' to an oil for tliis, you dog.' So saying, lie lifted up one of liis crutches, intending to lay it gently across Mr. Hatchway's pate; but Jack, with great agility, tilted up his wooden leg, with which he warded off the blow, to the no small admiration of Mr. Pickle, and utter astonishment of the landlord, who, by-the-bye, had expressed the same amazement, at the same feat, at the same hour, every night for three months before. Trunnion then directing his eye to the boatswain's mate, ' You Pipes,' said he, ' do you go about and tell ' the people that I did not reward you for standing by ' me, when I was hustled by these rebellious rapscal- ^ lions ? d — you, ha'n't you been rated on the books ' ever since ? ' Tom, who indeed had no words to spare, sat smoking his pipe with great indifference, and never dreamed of paying any regard to these interrogations ; which being repeated and reinforced with many oaths, that, however, produced no effect, the commodore pulled out his purse, saying, ' Here, ' you bitch's baby, here's something better than a smart ' ticket ; ' and threw it at his silent deliverer, who re- ceived and pocketed his bounty, without the least de- monstration of surprise or satisfaction ; while the donor, turning to ]\Ir. Pickle, ' You see, brother,' said he, ' I ' make good the old saying, we sailors get money like ' horses, and spend it like asses. Come, Pipes, let's ' have the boatswain's whistle, and be jovial.' This musician accordingly applied to his moiith the silver instrument that hung at a botton-hole of his jacket by a chain of the same metal, and, though not quite so ravishing as the pipe of Hermes, produced a sound so loud and shrill, that the stranger (as it were instinc- tively) stopped his ears, to preserve his organs of hear- i 18 THE ADVENTURES 01^ ing from sucli a dangerous invasion. The prelude being thus executed, Pipes fixed his eyes upon the egg of an ostrich that depended from the ceiling, and, with- out once moving them from that object, performed the whole cantata in a tone of voice that seemed to be the joint issue of an Irish bagpipe and a sow-gelder's horn; the commodore, the lieutenant, and landlord, joined in the chorus, repeating this elegant stanza: Bustle, bustle, brave boys ! Let us sing, let us toil. And drink all the while, Since labour 's the price of our joys. The third line was no sooner pronounced, than the can was lifted to every man's mouth with admirable uniformity ; and the next word taken up at the end of their draught with a twang equally expressive and harmonious. In short, the company began to under- stand one another; Mr. Pickle seemed to relish the entertainment; and a correspondence immediately commenced between him and Trunnion, who shook him by the hand, drank to farther acquaintance, and even invited him to a mess of pork and peas in the garrison. The compliment was returned, good fellow- ship prevailed, and the night was pretty far advanced, when the merchant's man arrived with a lantern to light his master home ; upon which the new friends parted, after a mutual promise of meeting next evening in the same place. PEREGRINE PICKLE 19 CHAPTEE III. Mi's. Grizzle exerts herself in finding a proper match for her brother ; loho is accordingly introduced to the young lady^ whom he marries in due season, I HAVE been the more circumstantial in opening the character of Trunnion, because he bears a considerable share in the course of these memoirs ; but now it is high time to resume the consideration of Mrs. Grizzle, who, since her arrival in the country, has been en- grossed in a double care, namely, that of finding a suitable match for her brother, and a comfortable yoke- fellow for herself. Neither was this aim the result of any sinister or frail suggestion, but the pure dictates of that laudable am- bition which prompted her to the preservation of the family name. Nay, so disinterested was she in this pursuit, that, postponing her nearest concern, or at least leaving her own fate to the silent operation of her charms, she laboured with such indefatigable zeal in behalf of her brother, that, before they had been three months settled in the country, the general topic of conversation in the neighbourhood was the intended match between the rich Mr. Pickle and the fair Miss . ? Appleby, daughter of a gentleman who lived in the Aff^"^ next parish, and who, though he had but little fortune to bestow upon his children, had (to use his own phrase) replenished their vems with some of the best blood in the country. This young lady, whose character and disposition Mrs. Grizzle had investigated to her own satisfaction, 2—2 20 THE ADVENTURES OF was destined for the spouse of Mr. Pickle, and an overture accordingly made to her father, who, being- overjoyed at the proposal, gave his consent without hesitation, and even recommended the immediate exe- cution of the project with such eagerness as seemed to indicate either a suspicion of Mr. Pickle's constancy or a diffidence of his own daughter's complexion, which, perhaps, he thought too sanguine to keep much longer cool. '^ The previous point being thus settled, our merchant, at the instigation of Mrs. Grizzle, went to visit his future father-in-law, and was introduced to the daughter, with whom he had, that same afternoon, an opportunity of being alone. What passed in that in- terview I never could learn, though, from the character of the suitor, the reader may justly conclude that she was not much teased with the impertinence of his addresses. He was not, I believe, the less welcome for that reason ; certain it is, she made no objection to his taciturnity, and when her father communicated his resolution, acquiesced with the most pious resignation. But Mrs. Grizzle, in order to give the lady a more favourable idea of his intellects than what his conver- sation could possibly inspire, was resolved to dictate a letter, which her brother should transcribe and trans- mit to his mistress as the produce of his own under- standing, and had actually composed a very tender billet for this purpose 5 yet her intention was entirely frustrated by the misapprehension of the lover himself, who, in consequence of his sister's repeated admoni- tions, anticipated her scheme by writing for himself, and despatching the letter one afternoon, while Mrs. Grizzle was visiting at the parson's. Neither was this step the effect of his vanity or precipitation ; but having been often assured by his sister that it was absolutely necessary for him to make PEREGRINE PICKLE. 21 a declaration of his love in writing, lie took this oppor- tunity of acting in conformity with her advice, when his imagination was unengaged or undisturbed by any other suggestion, without suspecting in the least that she intended to save him the trouble of exercising his own genius. Left, therefore, as he imagined, to his own inventions, he sat down and produced the fol- lowing morceau, which was transmitted to Miss Ap- pleby before his sister and counsellor had the least intimation of the affair : — ' Miss Sally Appleby. ' Madam, — ' Understanding you have a parcel of heart, war- ' ranted sound, to be disposed of, shall be willing to ' treat for said commodity, on reasonable terms ; doubt ' not, shall agree for same ; shall wait of you for farther ' information, when and where you shall appoint. This ' the needful from ' Yours, &c. * Gam. Pickle.' This laconic epistle, simple and unadorned as it was, met with as cordial a reception from the person to whom it was addressed, as if it had been couched in the most delicate terms that delicac y_Q f pas sion and cultivated g enius could supply ; nay, I believe, was the more welcome on account of its mercantile plainness, because, when an advantageous match is in view, a sensible woman often considers the flowery professions and rapturous exclamations of love as ensnaring am- biguities, or at best impertment preliminaries, that retard the treaty they are designed to provoke ; whereas Mr. Pickle removed all disagi'ceable uncertainty, by descending at once to the most interesting particular. She had no sooner, as a dutiful child, communicated 22 THE ABVENTUBES OF this hillet-doiix to her father, than he, as a careful parent, visited Mr. Pickle, and In presence of Mrs. Grizzle, demanded a formal explanation of his senti- ments with regard to his daughter Sally. Mr. Gamaliel, without any ceremony, assured him he had a respect for the young woman, and, with his good leave, would take her for better for worse. Mr. Appleby having expressed his satisfaction that he had fixed his affections in his family, comforted the lover with the assurance of his being agreeable to the young lady ; and they forth- with proceeded to the articles of the marriage-settle- ment, which being discussed and determined, a lawyer was ordered to (iSTl gro s^ them , the wedding clothes were bought, and. In sliort, a day was appointed for the cele- bration of their nuptials, to which everybody of any fashion In the neighbourhood was Invited. Among these. Commodore Trunnion and Mr. Hatchway were not forgotten, being the sole companions of the bride- groom, with whom, by this time, they had contracted a sort of Intimacy at their nocturnal rendezvous. They had received a previous Intimation of what was on the |ny^ from the landlord, before Mr. Pickle thought proper to declare himself; In consequence of which, the topic of the one-eyed commander's dis- course at their meeting for several evenings before had been the folly and plague of matrimony, on which he held forth with great vehemence of abuse , levelled at the fair sex ^jw hom he represented as devil s incarnate, sent from hell to torment mankind ; and, in particular, Inveighed against old maids, for whom he seemed to entertain a singular aversion ; while his friend Jack confirmed the truth of all his allegations, and gratified his ovn\ malignant vein at the same time, by clenching every sentence with a sly joke upon the married state, built upon some allusion to a ship or PEBEGBINE PICKLE. 23 seafaring life. He compared a woman to a great gun \,yvjy«= loaded with fire, brimstone, and noise, wliicli being ^^^cJ^ violently heated will bounce and fly, and play the devil, if you don't take special care of her bre echings. He said she was like a hurricane that never blows from one quarter, but veers about to all points of the compass : he likened her to a painted galley curiously' rigged, with a leak in her hold, which her husband .^^->^, would never be able to stop. He observed that her J ^^^^^ inclinations were like the Bay of Biscay ; for why ? J(p-^ because you may heave your deep-sea lead long enough, Avithout ever reaching the bottom ; that he who comes to anchor on a wife may find himself moored on d foul ground, and after all can't, for his blood, slip his cable ; and that, for his own part, th'of he might make short trips for pastime, he would never embark in woman on the voyage of life, because he was afraid of foundering in the first foul weather. In all probability these insinuations made some impression on the mind of Mr. Pickle, who was not much inclined to run great ^isk^ of any kind ; but the injunctions and importunities of his sister, who was bent upon the match, overbalanced the opinion of his sea-friends, who, finding him determined to marry, notwithstanding all the hints of caution they had thrown out, resolved to accept his invitation, and honoured his nuptials with their presence accordingly. 24 THE ADVENTURES OF CHAPTER IV. The behaviour of Mrs. Grizzle at the wedding^ with an account of the guests. I HOPE it will not be thouglit uncharitable, if I advance, by way of conjecture, that Mrs. Grizzle, on this grand occasion, summoned her whole exertion to play off the artillery of her charms upon the single gentlemen who were invited to the entertainment. Sure I am, she displayed to the best advantage all the engaging qualities she possessed : her affability at dinner was altogether uncommon, her attention to the guests was superfluously hospitable, her tongue was sheathed with the most agreeable and infantile lisp, her address was perfectly obliging ; and, as conscious of the extraordi- nary capacity of her mouth, she would not venture to hazard a laugh , she modelled her lips into an enchant- ing simper, which played upon her countenance all day long ; nay, she even profited by that defect in her vision we have already observed, and securely contemplated those features which were most to her liking, while the rest of the company believed her regards were disposed in a quite contrary direction. With what humility and complaisance did she receive the compliments of those who could not help praising the elegance of the banquet ! and how piously did she seize that opportunity of commemorating the honours of her su-e, by observing that it was no merit in her to understand something of entertainments, as she had occasion to preside at so many during the mayoralty of her papa ! Far from discovering the PEREGRINE PICKLE. 25 least symptom of pride and exultation, when the opu- lence of her family became the subject of conversation, she assumed a severity of countenance ; and, after having moralized on the vanity of riches, declared that those who looked upon her as a fortune were very much deceived, for her father had left her no more than poor five thousand pounds, which, with what little she had saved of the interest since his death, was all she had to depend upon ; indeed, if she had placed her chief felicity in wealth, she should not have been so forward in destroying her own ex- pectations, by advising and promoting the event at which they were now so happily assembled ; but she hoped she should always have virtue enough to post- pone any interested consideration, when it should happen to clash with the happiness of her friends. Finally, such was her modesty and self-denial, that she industriously informed those whom it might con- cern, that she was no less than three years older than the bride ; though, had she added ten to the reckoning, she would have committed no mistake in point of com- putation. To contribute as much as lay in her power to the satisfaction of all present, she in the afternoon regaled them with a tune on the harpsichord, accompanied with her voice, which though not the most melodious in the world, I daresay, would have been equally at their service could she have vied with Philomel in song ; and, as the last effort of her complaisance, when dancing was proposed, she was prevailed upon, at the request of her new sister, to open the ball in person. In a word, Mrs. Grizzle was the principal figure in this festival, and almost eclipsed the bride, who, far from seeming to dispute the pre-eminence, very wisely allowed her to make the best of her talents, contenting 26 THE ADVENTURES OF herself with the lot to which fortune had already called her, and which she imagined would not be the less desirable if the sister-in-law were detached from the family. I believe, I need scarce advertise the reader, that during this whole entertainment the commodore and his lieutenant were quite out of their element; and this, indeed, was the case with the bridegroom himself, who, being utterly unacquainted with any sort of po- lite commerce, found himself under a very disagreeable restraint during the whole scene. Trunnion, who had scarce ever been on shore till he was paid off, and never once in his whole life in the company of any females above the rank of those who herd upon the Point at Portsmouth, was more embarrassed about his behaviour than if he had been surrounded at sea by the whole French navy. He had never pronounced the word madam since he was born ; so that, far from entering into conversation with the ladies, he would not even return the com- pliment, or give the least nod of civility, when they drank to his health, and, I verily believe, would rather have suffered suffocation than allowed the simple phrase, your sei'vant^ to proceed from his mouth. He was altogether as inflexible with respect to the attitudes of his body ; for, either through ob- stinacy or bashfulness, he sat upright without motion, insomuch that he provoked the mirth of a certain wag, who, addressing himself to the lieutenant, asked whether that was the commodore himself, or the )/ wftO'^^^r^ ^^Q^ tti^t used to stand at his gate ? an image to which, it must be owned, Mr. Trunnion's person bore no faint resemblance. Mr. Hatchway, who was not quite so unpolished as the commodore, and had certain notions that PEEEGEINE PICKLE. 27 seem ed to app roacli jtjie ideas of common lifcj^ made alessuncoutli appearance; but then he was a wit, and, though of a very peculiar ge^Jis, partook largely of that disposition which is common to all wits, who never enjoy themselves except when their talents meet with those marks of distinction and veneration which (in their own opinion) they deserve. These circumstances being premised, it is not to be wondered at, if this triumvirate made no objections to the proposal, when some of the grave personages of the company made a motion for adjourning into another apartment, where they might enjoy their pipes and bottles, whilst the young folks indulged them- selves in the continuance of their own favourite di- version. Thus rescued, as it_were,_frorn ^ state of | annihilation^ the first u se the two lads- of the castle made of their existence was to ply the bridegroom so hard^ with bumpers, Jhat in less than an hour he tV^,/?{^^^(xv made divers efforts to sing, and soon after was carried fo^^A \ to bed, deprived of all manner of sensation, to the utter disappointment of the bridemen and maids, who, by- Jthi«- accident, were -prevented from throwing the s tocking _andLper forming certain other cerem ^mes^irac-j tised on s u ch occasions . As for the bride, she bore tHis'lnisfortune with great good humour, and, indeed, on all occasions behaved like a discreet woman, per- fectly well acquainted with the nature of her own situation. 28 THE ADVENTURES OF CHAPTER V. Mrs. Pickle assumes the reins of government in her own family ; her sister -in-laio undertakes an enterprise of great moment, hut is for some time diverted from her purpose hy a very interesting consideration. Whatever deference, not to say submission, she liad paid to Mrs. Grizzle before she was so nearly allied to her family, she no sooner became Mrs. Pickle than sjje thought it incumbent upon her to act up to the dignity of the character, and, the very day after the marriage, ventured to dispute with her sister-in-law on the subject of her own pedigree, which she affirmed to be more honourable in all respects than that of her husband ; observing, that several younger brothers of her house had arrived at the station of Lord Mayor of London, which was the highest pitch of greatness that any of Mr. Pickle's predecessors had ever attained. This presumption was like a thunderbolt to Mrs. Grizzle, who began to perceive that she had not suc- ceeded so well as she imagined, in selecting for her brother a gentle and obedient yoke-fellow, who would always treat her with that profound respect which she Athought due to her ,.suj>eriQr ^jyeniiis , and be entirely regulated by her advice and direction : however, she still continued to manage the reins of government in the house, reprehending the servants as usual — an office she performed with great capacity, and in which she seemed to take singular delight, until Mrs. Pickle, on pretence of consulting her ease, told • her one day she would take tliat trouble upon herself, and for the PEREGRINE PICKLE. 29 future assume the management of lier own family. Nothing could be more mortifying to Mrs. Grizzle than such a declaration ; to which, after a considerable pause, and strange distortion of look, she replied: I shall never refuse to repine at any trouble that may conduce to my brother's advantage.' — ' Dear madam,' answered the sister, ' I am infinitely obliged to your kind concern for Mr. Pickle's interest, which I consider as my own, but I cannot bear to see you a sufferer by your friendship ; and, therefore, insist upon exempting you from the fatigue you have borne so long.' In vain_^lid th e ot her protest that she took pleasure in tEPTa"sk : Mrs. PickTe ascribed the assurance to her excess of complaisance, and expressed such tenderness of zeal for her dear sister's health and tranquillity, that the reluctant maiden found herself obliged to resign her authority, without enjoying the least pretext for complaining of her being deposed. This disgrace was attended by a ^ of peevish devotion, which lasted three or four weeks, during which period she had the additional chagrin of seeing the young lady gam an absolute ascendency over the mind of her brother, who was persuaded to set up a gay equipage, and improve his housekeeping by an augmentation in his expense to the amount of a thousand a year at least ; though his alteration in the economy of his household effected no change in his own disposition or manner of life ; for, as soon as the painful ceremony of receiving and returning visits was performed, he had recourse again to the company of his sea-friends, with whom he spent the best part of his time. But, if he was satisfied with his condition, the case was otherwise with Mrs. Grizzle, who, finding her importance in the family greatly diminished, her 30 THE ADVENTURES OF attractions neglected by all the male sex in the neighbourhood, and the withering hand of time hang threatening over her head, began to feel the horror of eternal virginity, and, in a sort of desperation, resolved at any rate to rescue herself from that re- proachful and uncomfortable situation. Thus deter- mined, she formed a plan, the execution of which, to a spirit less enterprising and sufficient than hers, would have appeared altogether impracticable ; this was no other than to make a conquest of the com- modore's heart, which the reader will easily perceive was not very susceptible of tender impressions; but, on the contrary, fortified with insensibility and pre- judice against the charm of the whole sex, and par- ticularly prepossessed to the prejudice of that class distinguished by the appellation of Old Maids, in which Mrs. Grizzle was, by this time, unhappily ranked. She nevertheless took the field, and, having invested this seemingly-impregnable fortress, began to break ground, one day when Trunnion dined at her , brother's, by springing certain ensnaring commenda- tions on the honesty and sincerity of seafaring people, paying a particular attention to his plate, and aftecting a simper of approbation at everything he said, which by any means she could construe into a joke, or with modesty be supposed to hear ; nay, even when he left decency on the left hand (which was often the case), she ventured to reprimand his fi-eedom of speech with a gracious grin, saying, ' Sure, you gentlemen belonging ' to the sea have such an odd way with you ! ' But all this complacency was so ineffectual, that, far from suspecting the true cause of it, the commodore, that very evening, at the club, in presence of her brother, with whom, by this time, he could take any manner of fi'eedom, did not scruple to d — her for a squinting. PEREGRINE PICKLE. 31 block-faced, chattering, p — s-kitclien ; and immediately after drank despair to all old maids. The toast Mr. Pickle pledged without the least hesitation, and next day intimated it to his sister, who bore the in- dignity with surprising resignation, and did not there- fore desist from her scheme, unpromising as it seemed to be, until her attention was called off, and engaged in another care, which, for some time, interrupted the progress of this design. Her sister had not been married many months, when she exhibited evident symptoms of pregnancy, to the general satisfaction of all concerned, and the inexpressible joy of Mrs. Grizzle, who (as we have already hinted) "^asja interested in the preservation of the family name thai in any o th^ _cpnMderaJiQn---w]in.tevei\ She therefore J no sooner discovered appearances to justify and con- firm her hopes, than, postponing her own purpose, and laying aside that pique and resentment she had con- ceived from the behaviour of Mrs. Pickle when she superseded her authority, or, perhaps, considering her in no other light than that of the vehicle which con- tained and was destined to convey her brother's heir to light, she determined to exert her uttermost in nursing, tending, and cherishing her during the time of her important charge. With this view she pur- chased ' Culpepper's Midwifery,' which, with that saga- cious performance dignified with Aristotle's name, she studied with indefatigable care, and diligently perused the ' Complete Housewife,' together with ' Quincy's Dis- '- pensatory,' culling every jelly, marmalade, and con- sei-ve, which those authors recommend as either salutary or toothsome, for the benefit and comfort of her sister- in-law, during her gestation. She restricted her from eating roots, pot-herbs, fruits, and all sorts of vege- tables ; and one day, when Mrs. Pickle had plucked a 32 THE ADVENTURES OF peacli witli her own liand, and was in the very act of putting it between her teeth, Mrs. Grizzle perceived the rash attempt, and, running up to her, fell upon her knees in the garden, entreating her, with tears in her eyes, to resist such a pernicious appetite. Her request was no sooner complied with, than, recollecting that if her sister's longing was baulked, the child might be affected with some disagreeable mark, or deplorable disease, she begged as earnestly that she would swallow the fruit, and in the meantime ran for some cordial water of her own composing, which she forced upon her sister as an antidote to the poison she had received. This excessive zeal and tenderness did not fail to be very troublesome to Mrs. Pickle, who, having re- volved divers plans for the recovery of her own ease, at length determined to engage Mrs. Grizzle in such employment as would interrupt that close attendance which she found so teazing and disagreeable. Neither did she wait long for an opportunity of putting her resolution into practice. The very next day, a gentle- man, happening to dine with Mr. Pickle, unfortunately mentioned a pine-apple, part of which he had eaten the week before at the house of a nobleman who lived in another part of the country, at the distance of an hundred miles at least. The name of this fatal fruit was no sooner pro- nounced than Mrs. Grizzle, who incessantly watched her sister's looks, took the alarm, because she thought they gave certain indications of curiosity and desire; and after having observed that she could herself never eat pine-apples, which were altogether unnatural pro- ductions, extorted by the force of artificial fire out of filthy manure, asked, with a faltering voice, if Mrs. Pickle was not of her way of thinking ? This young lady, who wanted neither slyness nor penetration, at PEREGRINE PICKLE. 33 once divined her meaning, and replied, with seeming imconcern, that for her OAvn part she thought she shoukl never repine if there was not a pine-apple in the universe, provided she could indulge herself with the fruits of her own country. This answer was calculated for the benefit of the stranger, who would certainly have suffered for his imprudence by the resentment of Mrs. Grizzle, had her sister expressed the least relish for the fruit in question. It had the desired effect, and re-established the peace of the company, which was not a little endangered by the gentleman's want of consideration. Next morning, however, after breakfast, the pregnant lady, in pursuance of her plan, yawned (as it were by accident) full in the face of her maiden sister, who, being infinitely disturbed by this convulsion, afiirmed it was a symptom of longing, and insisted upon know- ing the object in desire, when Mrs. Pickle, affecting a smile, told her she had eaten a most delicious pine- apple in her sleep. This declaration was attended with an immediate scream uttered by Mrs. Grizzle, who, instantly perceiving her sister surprised at the exclamation, clasped her in her arms, and assured her, with a sort of hysterical laugh, that she could not help screaming with joy, because she had it in her power to gratify her sister's wish, a lady in the neighbourhood having promised to send her, in a present, a couple of delicate pine-apples, which she would that very day go in quest of. Mrs. Pickle would by no means consent to this pro- posal, on pretence of sparing the unnecessary fatigue 5 and assured her that, if she had any desire to eat a pine-apple, it was so faint, that the disappointment could produce no bad consequence. But this assurance was conveyed in a manner (which s-he knew very well VOL. III. 3 34 THE ADVENTURES OF how to adopt), that, instead of dissuading, rather stimu- lated Mrs. Grizzle, to set out immediately, not on a visit to that lady, whose promise she herself had feigned with a view of consulting her sister's tranquil- lity, but on a random search through the whole country for this unlucky fruit, which was like to pro- duce so much vexation and prejudice to her and her father's house. During three whole days and nights did she, at- tended by a valet, ride from place to place without success, unmindful of her health, and careless of her reputation, that began to suffer from the nature of her inquiry, which was pursued with such peculiar eager- ness and distraction, that everybody with whom she f conversed looked upon her as an unhappy person, whose intellects were not a little disordered. Baffled in all her researches within the country, she at length resolved to visit that very nobleman at whose house the officious stranger had been (for her) so un- fortunately regaled, and actually arrived in a post- chaise at the place of his habitation, where she intro- duced her business as an affair on which the happiness of a whole family depended. By virtue of a present to his lordship's gardener, she procured the Hesperian fruit, with which she returned in triumph. PEREGRINE PICKLE. 35 CHAPTER VI. Mrs. Grizzle is indefatigable in gratifying her sister's longings. Peregrine is horn^ and managed contrary to the directions and remonstrances of his aunt.^ loho is disgusted upon that account; and resumes the plan which she had before rejected. The success of this device would have encouraged Mrs. Pickle to practise more of the same sort upon her sister-in-law, had she not been deterrred by a violent fever which seized her zealous ally, in consequence of the fatigue and uneasiness she had undergone ; which, while it lasted, as effectually conduced to her repose as any other stratagem she could invent. But Mrs. Grizzle's health was no sooner restored than the other, being as much incommoded as ever, was obliged, in her own defence, to have recourse to some other con- trivance, and managed her artifices in such a manner, as leaves it at this day a doubt whether she was really so whimsical and capricious in her appetites as she herself pretended to be ; for her longings were not restricted to the demands of the palate and stomach, but also affected all the other organs of sense, and eveii iilYad^dJier Jmagina^ which at this period seemed I to be strangely diseased. One time she longed to pinch her husband's ear ; and it was with infinite difficulty that his sister could prevail upon him to undergo the operation. Yet this task was easy, in comparison with another she under- took for the gratification of Mrs. Pickle's unaccount- able desire, which was no other than to persuade the 3—2 36 THE ADVENTURES OF commodore to submit his chin to the mercy of the big- bellied lady, who ardently wished for an opportmiity \ of plucking three black hairs from his beard. When this proposal was first communicated to Mr. Trunnion by the husband, his answer was nothing but a dreadful effusion of oaths, accompanied with such a stare, and delivered in such a tone of voice, as terrified the poor beseecher into immediate silence ; so that Mrs. Grizzle was fain to take the whole enterprise upon herself, and next day went to the garrison accordingly, where, having obtained entrance by means of the lieutenant, who, while his commander was asleep, ordered her to be admitted for the joke's sake, she waited patiently till he turned out, and then accosted him in the yard, where he used to perform his morning walk. He was thunderstruck at the appearance of a woman in a place which he had hitherto kept sacred from the whole sex, and immediately began to utter an apostrophe to Tom Pipes, whose turn it was then to watch ; when Mrs. Grizzle, falling on her knees before him, conjured him, with many pathetic supplications, to hear and grant her request, which was no sooner signified, than he bellowed in such an outrageous manner, that the whole court re-echoed the opprobrious term bitchy and the word damnation^ which he repeated with surprising volubility, without any sort of propriety or connec- tion, and retreated into his penetralia, leaving the baffled dfivotee in the humble posture she had so unsuccessfully chosen to melt his obdurate heart. Mortifying as this repulse must have been to a lady of her stately disposition, she did not relinquish her aim, but endeavoured to iiiterest the commodore's counsellors and adherents in her cause. With this view, she solicited the interest of Mr. Hatchway, who, being highly pleased with a circumstance so productive PEREGRINE PICKLE. 37 of mirth and diveiision, readily entered into her ^ measures, and promised to employ his whole influence for her satisfaction ; and, as for the boatswain's mate, he was rendered propitious by the present of a guinea, which she slipped into his hand. In short, Mrs. Grizzle was continually engaged in this negotiation for the space of ten days, during which the commodore was so incessantly pestered with her remonstrances, and the admonitions of his associates, that he swore his people had a design upon his life, which becoming a burden to him, he at last complied, and was conducted to the scene like a _vic tim to the alt ar, or rather like a reluctant bear, when he is led to the stake amidst the ^^^ shouts and cries of butchers and their dogs. After all, this victory was not quite so decisive as the conquerors imagined ; for the patient being set, and the performer prepared with a pair of pincers, a small difficulty occurred : she could not, for some time, discern one black hair on the whole superficies of Mr. Trunnion's face ; w4ien Mrs. Grizzle, very much alarmed and dis- concerted, had recourse to a magnifying-glass that stood upon her toilet ; and after a most accurate examination, discovered a fibre of a dusky hue, to which the instrument being applied, Mrs. Pickle pulled it up by the roots, to the no small discomposure of the owner, who, feeling the smart much more severe than he had expected, started up, and swore he would not part with another hair to save them all from damnation. IMr. Hatchway exhorted him to patience and re- signation. Mrs. Grizzle repeated her entreaties with great humility; but, finding him deaf to all her prayers, and absolutely bent upon leaving the house, she clasped his knees, and begged, for the love of God, that he would have compassion upon a distressed .1 . „ .^ i 38 THE ADVENTURES OF family, and endure a little more for the sake of the poor infant, who otherwise would be born with a grey beard upon its chin. Far from being melted, he was rather exasperated, by this reflection: to which he replied, with gi'eat indignation, ' D — you for a yaw-sighted ' bitch ! he'll be hanged long enough before he has any ' beard at all:' so saying, he disengaged himself from her embraces, flung out at the door, and halted home- wards with such surprising speed, that the lieutenant could not overtake him until he had arrived at his own gate ; and Mrs. Grizzle was so much affected with his escape, that her sister, in pure compassion, desired she would not afflict herself, protesting that her own wish was already gratified, for she had plucked three hairs at once, having from the begin- ning been dubious of the commodore's patience. But the labours of this assiduous kinswoman did not end with the achievement of this adventure ; her eloquence or industry was employed, without ceasing, in the per- formance of other tasks imposed by the ingenious craft of her sister-in-law, who, at another time, conceived an insuppressible affection for a fricassee of frogs, which should be the genuine natives of France ; so that there was a necessity for despatching a messenger on purpose to that kingdom; but, as she could not depend upon the integrity of any common servant, Mrs. Grizzle undertook that province, and actually set sail in a cutter for Boulogne, whence she returned in eight-and-forty hours with a tub full of those live animals, which, being dressed according to art, her sister would not taste them, on pretence that her^ of longing was past ; but then her inclination took a different turn, and fixed themselves upon a curious implement belonging to a lady of quality in the neigh- bourhood, which was reported to be a very great PEREGRINE PICKLE. 39 curiosity; this was no other than a porcelain chamber- pot of admirable workmanship, contrived by the honourable owner, who kept it for her own private use, and cherished it as an utensil of inestimable value. Mrs. Grizzle shuddered at the first hint she received of her sister's desire to possess this piece of furniture, because she knew it Avas not to be purchased; and the lady's character, which was none of the most amiable in point of humanity and condescension, for- bad all hopes of borrowing it for a season; she there - f ore, attempted to reason down this capri ^ ous appetite, as an extraj;agaiice_ofJjiLaginat^ which ought to be combatted and repressed ; and Mrs. Pickle, to all appearance, was convinced and satisfied by her argu- ments and advice; but, nevertlieless, could make use of no other convenience, and was threatened with a very dangerous suppression. Eoused at the peril in which she supposed her to be, Mrs. Grizzle flew to the lady's house, and having obtained a private audience, disclosed the melancholy situation of her sister, and implored the benevolence of her ladyship ; who, contrary to expectation, received her very gra- ciously, and consented to indulge Mrs. Pickle's long- ing. Mr. Pickle began to be out of humour at the expense to which he was exposed by the caprice of his wife, who was herself alarmed at this last accident, and, for the future, ^j gt her fancy with i n bounds ; in- somuch, that, without being subject to any more extra- ordinary trouble, Mrs. Grizzle reaped the long-wished fruits of her dearest expectation in the birth of a fine boy, whom her sister, in a few months, brought into the world. I shall omit the description of the rejoicings, which were infinite on this important occasion, and only u^ 40 THE ADVENTURES OF observe, that Mrs. Pickle's mother and aunt stood god- mothers, and the commodore assisted at the ceremony as godfather to the chikl, who was christened by the name of Peregrine, in compliment to the memory of a deceased uncle. While the mother was confined to her bed, and incapable of maintaining her own authority, Mrs. Grizzle took charge of the infant by a double claim; and superintended, with surprising vigilance, the nurse and midwife, in all particulars of their respective offices, which were performed by her express direction. But no sooner was Mrs. Pickle in a con- dition to reassume the management of her own afiitiirs, than she thought proper to alter certain regulations con- cerning the child, which had obtained in consequence of her sister's orders, directing, among other innova- tions, that the bandages Avitli which the infant had been so neatly rolled up, like an Eg^pliaiLJSIil3i3dQy-> should be loosened, and laid aside, in order to rid \ nature of all restraint, and give the blood free scope to circidate ; and, with her own hands, she plunged him headlong every morning in a tub full of cold .ii- .water. This operation seemed so barbarous to the tender-hearted ]\Irs. Grizzle, that she not only opposed it with all her eloquence, shedding abundance of tears over the sacrifice when it was made, but took horse immediately, and departed for the habitation of an eminent country physician, whom she consulted in these words: — 'Pray, doctor, is it not both dangerous ' and cruel to be the means of letting a poor tender 'infant perish by sousing it in water cold as ice?' — ' Yes,' replied the doctor, ' downright murder, I ' affirm.' ' 1 see you are a person of great learning ' and sagacity,' said the other ; ' and I must beg ' you will be so good as to signify your opinion in ' your own handwiithig.' The doctor immediately PEREGRINE PICKLE. 41 complied with lier request, and expressed himself upon a slip of paper to this purpose: — These are to certify whom it may concern^ that I firmly believe.^ and it is my unalterable opinion^ that whosoever letteth an infant 'perish^ by sousing it in cold water^ even though the said water should not be so cold as ice^ is^ in effect^ guilty of the murder of the said infant^ as witness my hand^ Comfit Colycynth. Having obtained this certificate, for which the phy- sician was handsomely acknowledged, she returned exulting, and hoping, with such authority, to over- throw all opposition. Accordingly, next morning, when her nephew was about to undergo his diurnal baptism, she produced the commission whereby she conceived herself empowered to overrule such inhuman proceedings. But she was disappointed in her ex- pectation, confident as it was; not that Mrs. Pickle pretended to differ in opinion from Dr. Colycynth, ' for whose character and sentiment,' said she, ' I have ' such veneration, that I shall carefully observe the ' caution implied in this very certificate, by which, ' far from condemning my method of practice, he ' only asserts that killing is murder — an asseveration, ' the truth of which, it is to be hoped, I shall never ' dispute.' Mrs. Grizzle, who, sooth to say, had rather too super- ficially considered the clause by which she thought herself authorized, perused the paper with more ac- curacy, and was confounded at her own want of pene- tration. Yet, though she was confuted, she was by no means convinced that her objections to the cold bath were unreasonable ; on the contrary, after having be- stowed sundry opprobrious epithets on the physician 42 THE ADVENTURES OF for his want of knowledge and candour, she protested in the most earnest and solemn manner against the pernicious practice of dipping the child — a piece of cruelty, which, with God's assistance, she should never suffer to be inflicted on her own issue ; and washing her hands of the melancholy consequence that would certainly ensue, shut herself up in her closet, to in- dulge her sorrow and vexation. She was deceived, however, in her prognostic ; the boy, instead of de- clining in point of health, seemed to acquire fresh vigour from every plunge, as if he had been resolved to discredit the wisdom and foresight of his aunt, who, in all probability, could never forgive him for his want of reverence and respect, ^his conjecture is founded upon her behaviour to him in the sequel of his infancy, during which she was known to torture liim more than once, when she had opportunities of thrusting jJ^ns into his flesh, without any danger of being detectecU In a'^ word, her affections were, in a little time, altogether alienated from this hope of her family, whom she aban- doned to the conduct of his mother, whose province it undoubtedly was to manage the nurture of her own child ; while she herself resumed her operations upon the commodore, whom she resolved, at any rate, to captivate and enslave. And, it must be owned, that Mrs. Grizzle's knowledge of the human heart never shone so conspicuous as in the methods she pursued for the accomplishment of tliis important aim. Through the rough unpolished husk that cased the soul of Trunnion, she could easily distinguish a lai-ge share of that vanity and self-conceit that generally pre- dominate even in the most savage breast ; and to this she constantly appealed. In his presence she always exclaimed against the craft and dishonest dissimulation of the Avorld ; and never failed of uttering particular PEREGRINE PICKLE. 43 invectives against those arts of chicanery, in which the lawyers are so conversant to the prejudice and ruin of their fellow-creatures: observing that, in a seafaring life, so far as she had opportunities of judging or being informed, there v/as nothing but friendship, sincerity, and a hearty contempt for everything that was mean or selfish. This kind of conversation, with the assistance of certain particular civilities, insensibly made an impres- sion on the mind of the commodore ; and that the more effectual, as his former prepossessions were built upon very slender foundations : his antipathy to old maids, which he had conceived- upon hearsay, began gradually to diminish, when he found they were not quite such infernal animals as they had been represented ; and it was not long" before he was heard to observe at the club, that Pickle's sister had not so much of the core of bitch in her as he had imagined. This negative compliment, by the medium of her brother, soon reached the ears of Mrs. Gi'izzle, who, thus encouraged, re- doubled all her arts and attention ; so that, in less than three months after, he, in the same place, distinguished her with the epithet of a d — sensible jade. Hatchway, taking the alarm at this declaration, ' which he_fearc d foreboded something fiital to his in- terest, told his commander, with a sneer, that she had sense enough to bring liim to under her stern ; and he did not doubt but that such an old crazy vessel would be the better for being taken in tow. ' But, howsoever,' added this arch adviser, ' I'd have you take care of ' your upper works ; for, if once you are made fast to ' her poop, agad ! she'll spank it away, and make every ' beam in your body crack with straiiling.' Our she- projector's whole plan had like to have been ruined by the effect which this malicious hint had upon Trunnion, 44 THE ADVENTURES OF whose rage and suspicion being awakened at once, liis colour changed from tawny to a cadaverous pale, and then, ^shifting to a deep and dusky red, such as we sometimes observe in the sky when it is replete with thunder, he, after his usual preamble of unmeaning oaths, answered in these words : ' D — ye, you jury- ' legg'd dog, you would give all the stowage in your ' hold to be as sound as I am ; and as for being taken ' in tow, d'ye 'see, I'm not so disabled but that I can ' lie my course, and perform my voyage without any ' assistance ; and, agad ! no man shall ever see Hawser ' Trunnion lagging astern in the wake of e'er a bitch * in Christendom.' Mrs. Grizzle, who every morning interrogated her brother with regard to the subject of his night's con- versation with his friends, soon received the unwelcome news of the commodore's aversion to matrimony ; and justly |_imputing the greatest part of his disgust to the satirical insinuations of IMr. Hatchway, resolved to level this obstruction to her success, and actually found means to interest him in her scheme. She had, indeed, on some occasions, a particular knack at making con- verts, being probably not unacquainted with that grand system of persuasion which is adopted by the greatest personages of the age, as fraught with maxims much more effectual than all the eloquence of Tully or De- mosthenes, even when supported by the demonstrations of truth : besides, Mr. Hatchway's fidelity to his new ally was confirmed by his foreseeing in his captain's marriage an infinite fund of gratification for his own cynical disposition. Thus, therefore, converted and properly cautioned, he, for the future, suppressed all the virulence of his wit against the matrimonial state ; and, as he knew not how to open his mouth in the positive praise of any person whatever, took all oppor- PEREGRINE PICKLE. 45 tiiiiities of excepting Mrs. Grizzle by name from the censures he liberally bestowed upon the rest of her sex. ' She is not a drunkard like Nan Castick, of Deptford,' he would say ; ' not a nincompoop like Peg Simper, of '• Woolwich ; not a brimstone, like Kate Coddle, of ' Chatham ; nor a shrew, like Nell Grifhn, on the Point, ' Portsmouth ' (ladies to whom, at different times, they had both paid their addresses) ; ' but a tight, good- ' humoured, sensible wench, who knows very well ' how to box her compass ; well-trimmed aloft, and ' well-sheathed alow, with a good cargo under her ' hatches.' The commodore at first imagined this com- mendation was ironical, but hearing it repeated again and again, was filled with astonishment at this sur- prising change in the lieutenant's behaviour ; and after a long fit of musing, concluded that Hatchway himself harboured a matrimonial design on the person of Mrs. Grizzle. Pleased with this conjecture, he rallied Jack in his turn, and one night toasted her health as a compli- ment to his passion — a circumstance which the lady learned next day by the usual canal of her intelligence, and interpreting it as the result of his own tenderness for her, she congratulated herself upon the victory she had obtained; and thinking it unnecessary to continue the reserve she had hitherto industriously affected, re- solved, from that day, to sweeten her behaviour to- wards him with such a dish of affection as could not fail to persuade him that he had inspired her with a reciprocal flame. In consecpience of this determina- tion, he was invited to dinner, and while he stayed, treated with such cloving proofs of her regard, that not only the rest of the company, but even Trunnion himself perceived her drift; and taking the alarm, accordingly, could not help exclaiming, ' Oho ! I see 46 THE ADVENTURES OF ' how the land lies, and if I don't weather the point, ' I'll be d — .' Having thus expressed himself to his afflicted inamorata^ he made the best of his way to the garrison, in which he shut himself up for the space of ten days, and had no communication with his friends and domestics but by looks, which were most signifi- cantly pic turesqu e. CHAPTER VII. Divers stratagems are invented and put in practice^ in order to oveixome the ohstinacy of Trunnion^ icho at length is teazed and tortured into the noose of wedlock. This abrupt departure and unkind declaration af- fected Mrs. Grizzle so much, that she fell sick of sorrow and mortification •, and after having confined herself to her bed for three days, sent for her brother, told him she perceived her end drawing near, and desired that a lawyer might be brought, in order to write her last wilL Mr, Pickle, surprised at her demand, began to act the part of a comforter, as- suring her that her distemper was not at all dan- gerous, and that lie should instantly send for a physician, who would convince her that she was in no manner of jeopardy 5 so that there was no occasion at present to employ an officious attorney in such a melancholy task. Indeed, this affectionate brother was of opinion, that a will was altogether superfluous at any rate, as he himself was heir-at-law to his sister's whole real and personal estate. But she in- sisted upon his compliance with such determined PEREGRINE PICKLE. 47 obstinacy, that lie could no longer resist her impor- tunities ; and a scrivener arriving, she dictated and executed her, will, in which she bequeathed to Com- modore Trunnion one thousand pounds to purchase a mourning-ring, which she hoped he would wear as a pledge of her friendship and affection. Her brother, though he did not much relish this testimony of her love, nevertheless that same evening gave an account of this particular to Mr. Hatchway, who was also, as Mr. Pickle assured him, generously re- membered by the testat rjs^ The lieutenant, fraught with this piece of intelli- gence, Avatched for an opportunity, and as soon as he perceived the commodore's features a little un- bended from that ferocious contraction they had re- tained so long, ventured to inform him that Pickle's sister lay at the point of death, and that she had left him a thousand pounds in her will. This piece of news overwhelmed him with confusion, and Mr. Hatchway, imputing his silence to remorse, resolved to take advantage of that favourable moment, and counselled him to go and visit the poor young woman, who was dying for love of him. But this admonition happened to be somewhat unseasonable ; for Trunnion no sooner heard him mention the cause of her disorder than, his morosity recurring, he burst out into a vio- lent fit of cursing, and forthwith betook himself again to his hammock, where he lay uttering, in a low growl- ing tone of voice, a repetition of oaths and imprecations for the space of four-and-twenty hours without ceasing. This was a delicious meal to the lieutenant, who, eager to enhance the pleasure of the entertainment, and at the same time conduce to the success of the cause he had espoused, invented a stratagem, the execution of which had all the effect he could desire. He pre- 48 THE ADVENTURES OF vailed upon Pipes, who was devoted to his service, to get upon the top of the chimney belonging to the commodore's chamber, at midnight, and to lower down by a rope a bunch of stinking whitings, which being performed, he put a speaking-trumpet to his mouth, and hallooed down the vent, in a voice like thunder, ' Trunnion ! Trunnion ! turn out and be spliced, or ' lie still and be d — ,' This dreadful note, the terror of which was increased by the silence and darkness of the night, as well as the echo of the passage through which it was conveyed, no sooner reached the ears of the astonished commodore, than, turning his eyes towards the place whence this solemn address seemed to proceed, he beheld a glittering object that vanished in an instant. Just as his super- stitious fear had improved the apparition into some supernatural messenger clothed in shining array, his opinion was confirmed by a sudden explosion, which he took for thunder, though it was no other than the noise of a pistol fired down the chimney by the boat- swain's mate, according to the instructions he had received ; and he had time enough to descend before he was in any danger of being detected by his com- mander, who could not for a whole hour re-collect himself from the amazement and consternation which had overpowered his faculties. p. At length, however, he got up, and rang his bell with great agitation. He repeated the summons more -V than once; but no regard being paid to this alarm, his dread returned with double terror, a cold sweat bedewed his limbs, his knees knocked together, his hair bristled up, and the remains of his teeth were shattered to pieces in the convulsive vibrations of his I'aws. ' • In the midst of this agony he made one desperate PEREGRINE PICKLE. 49 effort, and, bursting open the door of his apartment, bolted into Hatchway's chamber, which happened to be on the same floor. There he found the Heutenant in a counterfeit swoon, who pretended to awake from his trance in an ejaculation of ' Lord, have mercy ' upon us !' And being questioned by the terrified commodore with regard to what had happened, as- sured him he had heard the same voice and clap of thunder by which Trunnion himself had been dis- composed. Pipes, whose turn it was to watch, concurred in giving evidence to the same purpose ; and the com- modore not only owned that he had heard the voice, but likewise communicated his vision, with all the aggravation which his disturbed fancy suggested. A consultation immediately ensued, in which Mr. Hatchway very gravely observed, that the finger of God was plainly perceivable in those signals ; and that it would be both sinful and foolish to disregard his commands, especially as the match proposed was, in all respects, more advantageous than any that one of his years and infirmities could reasonably expect ; declaring that, for his own part, he would not en- danger his soul and body by living one day longer under the same roof with a man who despised the holy will of Heaven; and Tom Pipes adhered to the same pious resolution. Trunnion's perseverance could not resist the number and diversity of considerations that assaulted it ; he revolved in silence all the opposite motives that oc- curred to his reflection ; and after having been, to all appearance, bewildered in the labyrinth of his own thoughts, he wiped the sweat from his forehead, and heaving a piteous groan, yielded to their remonstrances in these words : ' Well, since it must be so, I think VOL. III. 4 50 THE ADVENTURES OF ' we must e'en grapple. But, d — my eyes ! 'tis a ' cl — hard case, that a fellow of my years should be ' compelled, d'ye see, to beat up to windward all the ' rest of my life against the current of my own incli- ' nation.' This important article being discussed, Mr. Hatch- way set out in the morning to visit the despairing shepherdess, and was handsomely rewarded for the enlivening tidings with which he blessed her ears. Sick as she was, she could not help laughing heartily at the contrivance, in consequence of which her swain's consent had been obtained, and gave the lieutenant ten guineas for Tom Pipes, in consideration of the part he acted in the farce. In the afternoon the commodore suffered liimself to be conveyed to her apartment, like a felon to exe- cution, and was received by her in a languishing manner and genteel dishabille, accompanied by her sister-in-law, who was, for very obvious reasons, extremely solicitous about her success. Though the lieutenant had tutored him touching his behaviour at this interview, he made a thousand wry faces before he could pronounce the simple salutation, ' How d'ye ?' to his mistress ; and after his counsellor had urged him with twenty or thirty whispers, to each of which he replied aloud, ' D — your eyes, I won't,' he got up, and halting towards the couch on which Mrs. Grizzle reclined in a state of strange expectation, he seized her hand and pressed it to his lips ; but this piece of gallantry he performed in such a reluctant, uncouth, indignant manner, that the nymph had need of all her resolution to endure the compliment without shrinking ; and he himself was so disconcerted at what he had done, that he instantly retired to the other end of the room, where he sat silent, and broiled with PEREGRINE PICKLE. 51 flame and vexation. Mrs. Pickle, like a sensible matron, quitted the place, on pretence of going to the nursery ; and Mr. Hatchway, taking the hint, recollected that he had left his tobacco-pouch in the parlom', whither he immediately descended, leaving the two lovers in their mutual endearments. Never had the commodore found himself in such a dis- agreeable dilemma before. He sat in an agony of suspense, as if he every moment dreaded the disso- lution of nature ; and the imploring sighs of his ftiture bride, added, if possible, to the pangs of his distress. Impatient of his situation, he rolled his eye round in quest of some relief, and unable to contain himself, exclaimed, ' D seize the fellow, and his pouch ' too ! I believe he has sheered off and left me here ' in the stays.' Mrs. Grizzle, who could not help taking some notice of this manifestation of chagrin, lamented her unhappy fate in being so disagreeable to him, that he could not put up with her company for a few moments without repining; and began in very tender terms to reproach him with inhumanity and indifference. To this expostulation he replied, ' Zounds, what would the woman have ! Let the ' parson do his office when he wool ; here I am ' ready to be reeved in the matrimonial block, d'ye ' see, and d — all nonsensical palaver.' So saying, he retreated, leaving his mistress not at all disobliged at his plain-dealing. That same evening the treaty of marriage was brought upon the carpet, and, by means of Mr. Pickle and the lieutenant, settled to the satisfaction of all parties, without the intervention of lawyers, whom Mr. Trunnion expressly excluded from all share in the business, making that condition the indispensable preliminary of the whole agreement. Things being brought to this bearing, Mrs. Grizzle's 4—2 52 THE ADVENTURES OF heart dilated with joy ; her health, which, hy-the-bye, was never dangerously impaired, she recovered as if by enchantment, and a day being fixed for the nup- tials, employed the short period of her celibacy in choosing the ornaments for the celebration of her entrance into the married state. CHAPTER VIII. Preparations are made for the commodore s wedding^ loMch is delayed hy an accident that hurried him the Lord hnoios lohither. The fame of this extraordinary conjunction spread all over the county ; and on the day appointed for their spousals, the church was surrounded by an inconceiv- able multitude. The commodore, to give a specimen of his gallantry, by the advice of his friend Hatchway, resolved to appear on horseback on the grand occasion, at the head of all his male attendants, whom he had rigged with the white shirts and black caps formerly belonging to his barge's crew ; and he bought a couple of hunters for the accommodation of himself and his lieutenant. With this equipage then he set out from the garrison for the church, after having despatched a messenger to apprise the bride that he and his company were mounted. She got immediately into the coacli, accompanied by her brother and his wife, and drove directly to the place of assignation, where several pews were demolished, and divers persons almost pressed to death, by the eagerness of the crowd that broke in to PEREGRINE PICKLE. 53 see tlie ceremony performed. Thus arrived at the altar, and the priest in attendance, they waited a whole half-hom' for the commodore, at whose slowness they began to be mider some apprehension, and accordingly dismissed a servant to quicken his pace. The valet having rode something more than a mile, espied the whole troop disposed in a long field, crossing the road obliquely, and headed by the bridegroom and his friend Hatchway, who, finding himself hindered by a hedge from proceeding farther in the same direction, fired a pistol, and stood over to the other side, making an obtuse angle mth the line of his former course ; and the rest of the squadron followed his example, keeping always in the rear of each other, like a flight of wild geese. Surprised at this strange method of journeying, the messenger came up, and told the commodore that his lady and her company expected him in the church, where they had tarried a considerable time, and were beginning to be very uneasy at his delay ; and therefore desired he would proceed with more expedition. To this message Mr. Trunnion replied, ' Hark ye, brother, ' don't you see we make all possible speed ? Go back ' and tell those who sent you, that the wind has shifted ' since we weighed anchor, and that we are obliged to ' make very short trips in tacking, by reason of the ' narrowness of the channel ; and that, as we lie within ' six points of the wind, they must make some allow- ' ance for variation and leeway.' — ' Lord, sir ! ' said the valet, ' what occasion have you to go zigzag in tliat ' manner ? Do but clap spurs to your horses, and ride ' straight forward, and I'll engage you shall be at the ' church porch in less than a quarter of an hour.' ' What! right in the wind's eye?' answered the com- mander ; ' alley, brother, where did you learn your 54 THE ADVENTURES OF ' navigation ? Hawser Trunnion is not to be taught at ' this time of day how to lie his course, or keep his ' own reckoning. And as for you, brother, you best * know the trim of your own frigate.' The courier finding he had to do with people who would not be easily persuaded out of their own opinions, returned to the temple, and made a report of what he had seen and heard, to the no small consolation of the bride, who had begun to discover some signs of disquiet. Composed, however, by this piece of intelligence, she exerted her patience for the space of another half-hour, during which period, seeing no bridegroom arrive, she was exceedingly alarmed; so that all the spectators could easily perceive her perturbation, which mani- fested itself in frequent palpitations, heart-heavings, and alterations of countenance, in spite of the assist- ance of a smelling-bottle which she incessantly applied to her nostrils. Various were the conjectures of the company on this occasion. Some imagined he had mistaken the place of rendezvous, as he had never been at church since he first settled in that parish ; others believed he had met with some accident, in consequence of which his at- tendants had carried him back to his own house; a third set, in which the bride herself was thought to be comprehended, could not help suspecting that the commodore had changed his mind. But all these suppositions, ingenious as they Avere, happened to be Avide of the true cause that detained him ; which was no other than this : The commodore and his crew had, by dint of turning, almost weathered the parson's house that stood to windward of the church, when the notes of a pack of hounds unluckily reached the ears of the two hunters which Trunnion and the lieutenant be- strode. These fleet animals no sooner heard the PEREGRINE PICKLE. 55 enlivening sound, than, eager for the chase, they sprang away all on a sudden, and strained every nerve to partake of the sport, flew across the fields with incredible speed, overleaped hedges and ditches, and everything in their way, without the least regard to their unfortunate riders. The lieutenant, whose steed had got the heels of the other, finding it would be great folly and presumption in him to pretend to keep the saddle with his wooden leg, very wisely took the opportunity of throwing himself off in his passage through a field of rich clover, among which he lay at his ease; and seeing his captain advance at full gallop, hailed him with the salutation of ' What cheer, * ho ! ' The commodore, who was in infinite distress, eyeing him askance as he passed, replied, mth a fal- tering voice, ' d — you ! you are safe at anchor ; * I wish to God I were as fast moored.' Nevertheless, conscious of his disabled heel, he would not venture to try the experiment which had succeeded so well with Hatchway, but resolved to stick as close as possible to his horse's back, until providence should interpose in his behalf. With this view he dropped his whip, and with his right hand laid fast hold on the pommel, contracting every muscle in his body to secure himself in the seat, and grinning most formidably, in conse- quence of this exertion. In this attitude he was hurried on a considerable way, when all on a sudden his view was comforted by a five-bar gate that ap- peared before him, as he never doubted that there the career of his hunter must necessarily end. But, alas ! he reckoned without his host ; far from halting at this obstruction, the horse sprang over it with amazing agility, to the utter confusion and disorder of his owner, who lost his hat and periwig in the leap, and now began to think, in good earnest, that he was 56 THE ADVENTURES OF actually mounted on the back of the devil. He recommended himself to God, his reflection forsook liim, his eyesight and all his other faculties failed, he quitted the reins, and fastening by instinct on the mane, was in this condition conveyed into the midst of the sportsmen, who were astonished at the sight of such an apparition. Neither was their surprise to be wondered at, if we reflect on the figure that presented itself to their view. The commodore's person was at all times an object of admiration; much more so on this occasion, when every singularity was aggravated by the circumstances of his dress and disaster. He had put on, in honour of his nuptials, his best coat of blue broadcloth, cut by a tailor at Kamsgate, and trimmed with five dozen of brass buttons, large and small ; his breeches were of the same piece, fastened at the knees with large bunches of tape ; his waistcoat was of red plush, lapelled with green velvet, and garnished with vellum holes; his boots bore an infinite ]-esemblance, both in colour and shape, to a pair of leather buckets ; his shoulder was graced with a broad buff belt, whence depended a huge hanger with a hilt like that of a back-sword ; and on each side of his pommel appeared a rusty pistol rammed in a case covered with a bearskin. The loss of his tie-periwig and laced hat, which were curiosities of the kind, did not at all contribute to the improvement of the picture, but, on the contrary, by exhibiting his bald pate, and the natural extension of his lantern jaws, added to the peculiarity and extravagance of the whole. Such a spectacle could not have failed of diverting the whole company from the chase, had his horse thought proper to pursue a different route, but the beast was too keen a sporter to choose any other way than that which the stag followed ; and there, without stopping to gratify PEREGRINE PICKLE. hi tlie curiosity of the spectators, he in a few minutes outstripped every hunter in the field. There being a deep hollow way betwixt him and the hounds, rather tlian ride round, about the length of a furlong, to a path that crossed the lane, he transported himself at one jump, to the unspeakable astonishment and terror of a wa2:a'oner who chanced to be underneath, and saw this phenomenon fly over his carriage. This was not the only adventure he achieved. The stag having taken a deep river that lay in his way, every man directed his course to a bridge in the neighbourhood ; but our bridegroom's courser, despising all such in- conveniences, plunged into the stream without hesi- tation, and swam in a twinkling to the opposite shore. The sudden immersion into an element of which Trunnion was properly a native, in all probability, helped to recruit the exhausted spirits of his rider, who at his landing on the other side gave some tokens of sensation, by hallooing aloud for assistance, which he could not possibly receive, because his horse still maintained the advantage he had gained, and would not allow himself to be overtaken. In short, after a long chase that lasted several hours, and extended to a dozen miles at least, he was the first in at the death of the deer, being seconded by the lieutenant's gelding, which, actuated by the same spirit, had, without a rider, followed his companion's example. Our bridegroom, finding himself at last brought up, or, in other words, at the end of his career, took the opportunity of this first pause to desire the huntsman would lend him a hand in dismounting ; and was by their condescension safely placed on the grass, where he sat staring at the company as they came in, with such wildness of astonishment in his looks, as if he 58 THE ADVENTURES OF had been a creature of another species, dropped among them from the clouds. Before they had fleshed the hounds, however, he recollected himself, and seeing one of the sportsmen take a small flask out of his pocket and apply it to his mouth, judged the cordial to be no other than neat Cogniac, which it really was ! and expressing a desire of participation, was immediately accommodated with a moderate dose, which perfectly completed his recovery. By this time he and his horses had engrossed the attention of the whole crowd; while some admired the elegant proportion and uncommon spirit of the two animals, the rest contemplated the surprising appearance of their master, whom before they had only seen en passant ; and at length, one of the gentle- men, accosting him very courteously, signified his wonder at seeing him in such an equipage, and asked if he had not dropped his companion by the way. ' Why, look ye, brother,' replied the commodore, ' mayhap you may think me an odd sort of a fellow ' seeing me in this trim, especially as I have lost part ' of my rigging ; but this here is the case, d'ye see ; ' I weighed anchor from my own house this morning ' at ten a.m. with fair weather, and a favourable breeze ' at south-east, being bound to the next church on ' the voyage of matrimony ; but, howsomever, we had ' not run down a quarter of a league, when the wind, ' shifting, blowed directly in our teeth; so that we ' were forced to tack all the way, d'ye see, and had ' almost beat up within sight of the port, when these ' sons of bitches of horses, which I had bought but ' two days before (for my own part, I believe they ' are devils incarnate), luffed round in a trice, and ' then, refusing the lielm, drove away like lightning ' with me and my lieutenant, who soon came to anchor PEREGRINE PICKLE. 69 ' in an exceeding good berth. As for my own part, ' I have been carried over rocks, and flats, and quick- ' sands ; among which I have pitched away a special ' good tie-perriwig, and an iron-bound hat; and at * last, thank God ! am got into smooth water and ' safe riding: but if ever I venture my carcass upon ' such a hare'um scare'um blood of a bitch again, my * name is not Hawser Trunnion, d — my eyes ! ' One of the company, struck with this name, which he had often heard, immediately laid hold on this declaration at the close of this singular account ; and observing that his horses were very vicious, asked how he intended to return ? ' As for that matter,' replied Mr. Trunnion, ' I am resolved to hire a sledge ' or waggon, or such a thing as a jackass; for I'll be * d — if ever I cross the back of a horse again.' ' And what do you propose to do with these creatures ? ' said the other, pointing to the hunters ; ' they seem ' to have some mettle ; but they are mere colts, and * will take the devil and all of breaking. Methinks this ' hinder one is shoulder-slipped.' ' D — them,' cried the commodore, ' I wish both their necks were broke, ' th'of the two cost me forty good yellow boys.' ' Forty guineas ! ' exclaimed the stranger, who was a squire and a jockey as well as owner of the pack, ' Lord ! Lord ! how a man may be imposed upon ! ' Why, these cattle are clumsy enough to go to plough. ' Mind what a flat counter ; do but observe how sharp ' this here one is in the withers ; then he's fired in ' the farther fetlock.' In short, this connoisseur in horse-flesh, having discovered in them all the defects can possibly be found in that species of animals, offered to give him ten guineas for the two, saying he would convert them into beasts of burden. The owner, who (after what had happened) was very well 60 THE ADVENTURES OF disposed to listen to anything that was said to their prejudice, implicitly believed the truth of the stranger's asseverations, discharged a furious volley of oaths against the rascal who had taken him in, and forth- with struck a bargain with the squire, who paid him instantly for his purchase; in consequence of which he won the plate at the next Canterbury Eaces. This affair being transacted to the mutual satis- faction of both parties, as well as the general enter- tainment of the company, who laughed in their sleeves at the dexterity of their friend, Trunnion Avas set upon the squire's own horse, and led by his servant in the midst of this cavalcade, which proceeded to a neighbouring village, where they had bespoke a dinner, and where our bridegi'oom found means to provide himself with another hat and wig. With regard to his marriage, he bore his disappointment with the temper of a philosopher ; and the exercise he had undergone having quickened his appetite, sat down at table in the midst of his new acquaintance, making a very hearty meal, and moistening every morsel with a draught of the ale, which he found very much to his satisfaction. CHAPTER IX. He is found by the lieutenant; reconducted to his own house; married to Mrs. Grizzle^ icho meets loith a small misfortune in the nighty and asserts her pre- rogative next morning ; in conseque?ice of lohich her husband's eye is endangered. Meanwhile Lieutenant Hatchway made a shift to hobble to the church, where he informed the company PEREGRINE PICKLE. Gl of what had happened to the commodore; and the bride behaved with great decency on the occasion; for, as soon as she understood the danger to which her future husband was exposed, she fainted in the arms of her sister-in-law, to the surprise of all the spectators, who coidd not comprehend the cause of her disorder ; and when she recovered by the application of smelling- bottles, earnestly begged that Mr. Hatchway and Tom- Pipes would take her brother's coach and go in quest of their commander. This task they readily undertook, being escorted by all the rest of his adherents on horseback ; while the bride and her friends were invited to the parson's house, and the ceremony deferred till another occasion. The lieutenant, steering his course as near the line of direction in which Trunnion went off as the coach- road would permit, got intelligence of his track from one farm-house to another, for such an apparition could not fail of attracting particular notice; and one of the horsemen having picked up his hat and wig in a bye path, the whole troop entered the village where he was lodged about four o'clock in the afternoon. When they understood he was safely housed at the ' George,' they rode up to the door in a body, and ex- pressed their satisfaction in three cheers ; which were returned by the company within as soon as they were instructed in the natureof the salute by Trunnion, who by this time had entered into all the jollity of his new friends, and was indeed more than half-seas-over. The lieutenant Avas introduced to all present as his sworn brother, and had something tossed up for his dinner. Tom Pipes and the crew were regaled in another room ; and a fresli pair of horses being put to the coach, about six in the evening the commodore, with all his attendants, departed for the garrison, after 62 THE ADVENTURES OF having shaken hands with every individual in the house. Without any farther accident he was conveyed in safety to his own gate before nine, and committed to the care of Pipes, who carried him instantly to his hammock, while the lieutenant was driven away to the place where the bride and her friends remained in great anxiety, which vanished when he assured them that his commodore was safe, being succeeded by abundance of mirth and pleasantry at the account he gave of Trunnion's adventure. Another day was fixed for the nuptials; and in order to baulk the curiosity of idle people which had given great offence, the parson was prevailed upon to perform the ceremony in the garrison, which all that day was adorned with flags and pendants displayed, and at night illuminated by the direction of Hatchway, who also ordered the patereroes to be fired as soon as the marriage-knot was tied. Neither was the other parts of the entertainment neglected by this ingenious contriver, who produced undeniable proofs of his elegance and art in the wedding-supper, which had been committed to his management and direction. This genial banquet was entirely composed of sea- dishes; a huge pillaw, consisting of a large piece ot beef sliced, a couple of fowls, and half a peck of rice, smoked in the middle of the board; a dish of hard fish, swimming in oil, appeared at each end, the sides being furnished with a mess of that savoury com- position know by the name of lob'scouse, and a plate of salmagundy. The second course displayed a goose of a monstrous magnitude, flanked with two Guinea hens, a pig barbacued, a hock of salt pork in the midst of a peas-pudding, a leg of mutton roasted, with pota- toes, and another boiled, with yams. The third service PEREGRINE PICKLE. 63 was made up of a loin of fresh pork witli apple-sauce, a kid smothered with onions, and a terrapin baked in the shell ; and, last of all, a prodigious sea-pie was presented, with an infinite volume of pancakes and frit- ters. That everything might be answerable to the mag- nificence of this delicate feast, he had provided vast quantities of strong beer, flip, rumbo, and burnt brandy, with plenty of Barbadoes water for the ladies ; and hired all the fiddles within six miles, who, with the addition of a drum, bag-pipe, and Welsli harp, regaled the guests with a most melodious concert. The company, who were not at all exceptions, seemed extremely well pleased with every particular of the entertainment; and the evening being spent in the most social manner, the bride was by her sister conducted to her apartment, where, however, a trifling circumstance had like to have destroyed the harmony which had been hitherto maintained. I have already observed, that here was not one standing bed within the walls ; therefore, the reader will not wonder that Mrs. Trunnion was out of humour when she found herself under the necessity of being confined with her spouse in a hammock, y which, though enlarged with a double portion of canvas, and dilated with a yoke for the occasion, was, at best, but a disagreeable, not to say dangerous, situation. She accordingly complained, with some warmth, of this inconvenience, which she imputed to disrespect, and, at first, absolutely refused to put up with the expedient ; but Mrs. Pickle soon brought her to reason and compliance, by observing that one night would soon be elapsed, and -next day she might re- gulate her own economy. Thus persuaded, she ventured into the vehicle, and was visited by her husband in less than an hour, the 64 THE ADVENTURES OF company being departed to their own homes, and the garrison left to the command of his lieutenant and mate. But, it seems, the hooks that supported this swinging couch were not calculated for the addition of weight which they were now destined to bear; and therefore gave way, in the middle of the night, to the no small terror of Mrs. Trunnion, who, perceiving her- self falling, screamed aloud, and, by that exclamation, brought Hatchway, with a light, into the chamber. Though she had received no injury by the fall, she was extremely discomposed and incensed at the acci- dent, which she even openly ascribed to the obstinacy and whimsical oddity of the commodore in such petu- lant terms as evidently declared that she thought her great aim accomplished, and her authority secured against all the shocks of fortune. Indeed, her bed- fellow seemed to be of the same opinion, by his tacit resignation; for he made no reply to her insinuations, but, with a most vinegar aspect, crawled out of his nest, and betook himself to rest in another apartment, while his irritated spouse dismissed the lieutenant, and from the wreck of the hammock made an occasional bed for herself on the floor, fully determined to provide better accommodation for the next nio-ht's lodo'ino;. Having no inclination to sleep, her thoughts during the remaining part of the night were engrossed by a scheme of reformation she had resolved to execute in the family; and no sooner did the first lark bid saluta- tion to the morn than, starting from her humble couch, and huddling on her clothes, she sallied from her chamber, explored her way through paths before un- known, and in the course of her researches perceived a large bell, to which she made such effectual applica- tion as alarmed every soul in the family. In a moment she was surrounded by Hatchway, Pipes, and all the PEREGRINE PICKLE. Go rest of the servants, half-dressed ; but seeing none of the feminme gender appear, she began to storm at the sloth and laziness of the maids, who, she observed, ought to have been at work an hour at least before she called; and then, for the first time, understood that no woman was permitted to sleep within the walls. She did not fail to exclaim against this regulation; and being informed that the cook and the chamber- maid lodged in a small office-house that stood without the gate, ordered the drawbridge to be let down, and, in person, beat up their quarters, commanding them forthwith to set about scouring the rooms, which had not hitherto been kept in a very decent condition, while two men were immediately employed to trans- port the bed, on which she used to lie, from her brother's house to her new habitation; so that, in less than two hours, the whole economy of the garrison was turned topsy-turvy, and everything in- volved in tumult and noise. Trunnion, being dis- turbed and distracted with the uproar, turned out in his shirt, like a maniac, and arming himself with a cudgel of ci:aJ^>=±i:e^, made an irruption into his wife's apartment, where, perceiving a couple of carpenters at work, in joining a bedstead, he, with many dreadful oaths and opprobrious invectives, ordered them to desist, swearing he would suffer no bulk-heads nor hurricane-houses to stand where he was master ; but finding his remonstrances disregarded by these me- chanics, who believed him to be som e madman b elong- ing to the family who had broke from his confinement, he assaulted them both with great fury and indignation, and was handled so roughly in the encounter, that in a very short time he measured his length on the floor, in consequence of a blow he received from a VOL. III. 5 Q6 THE ADVENTUliES OF hammer, by which the sight of his remaining eye was grievously endangered. Having thus reduced him to a state of subjection, they resolved to secm-e him with cords, and were actually busy in adjusting his fetters, when he was exempted from the disgrace by the accidental entrance of his spouse, who rescued him from the hands of his adversaries, and in the midst of her condolence, imputed his misfortune to the inconsiderate roughness of his own disposition. He breathed nothing but reven ge, and made some efforts to chastise the insolence of the workmen, who, as soon as they understood his quality, asked forgive- ness for what they had done with great humility, pro- testing that they did not know he was master of the house. But, far from being satisfied with this apology, he groped about for the bell (the inflammation of his eye having utterly deprived him of sight), and the rope being, by the precaution of the delinquents, conveyed out of his reach, began to storm with incredible vocife- ration, like a lion roaring in the toil, pouring forth innumerable oaths and execrations, and calling by name Hatchway and Pipes, who, being within hear- ing, obeyed the extraordinary summons, and were ordered to put the carpenters in irons for having audaciously assaulted him in his own house. His myrmidons, seeing he had been evil-intreated, were exasperated at the insult he had suffered, which they considered as an affront upon the dignity of the garrison; the more so, as the mutineers seemed to put themselves in a posture of defence, and set their authority at defiance : they therefore unsheathed their cutlasses, which they commonly wore as badges of their commission ; and a desperate engagement, in all probability, would have ensued, had not the lady of PEREGRINE PICKLE. 67 the castle interposed, and prevented tlie effects of tlieir animosity, by assuring the lieutenant that the com- modore had been the aggressor, and that the workmen, finding themselves attacked in such an extraordinary manner by a person whom they did not know, were obliged to act in their own defence, by which he had received that unlucky contusion. Mr. Hatchway no sooner learnt the sentiments of Mrs. Trunnion than, sheathing his indignation, he told the commodore he should always be ready to execute his lawful commands ; but that he could not, in con- science, be concerned in oppressing poor people, who had been guilty of no offence. This unexpected declaration, together with the behaviom' of his wife, who, in his hearing, desired the carpenters to resume their work, filled the breast of Trunnion with rage and mortification. He pulled off his woollen night-cap, pummelled his bare pate, beat the floor alternately with his feet, swore his people had betrayed him, and cursed himself to the lowest pit of hell, for having admitted such a cockatrice into his family. But all these exclamations did not avail; they were among the last essays of his resistance to the will of his wife, whose influence among his adherents had already swallowed up his own; and who now peremptorily told him that he must leave the manage- ment of everything within doors to her, who under- stood best what was for his honour and advantage. She then ordered a poultice to be prepared for his eye, which being applied, he was committed to the care of Pipes, by whom he was led about the house like a blind bear growling for prey, while his industrious yoke-fellow executed every circumstance of the plan she had projected; so 'that, when he recovered his vision, he was an utter stranger in his own house. 5—2 68 THK ADVENTURES OF CHAPTER X. The commodore being in some cases restive^ his lady has recourse to artifice in the estahlishment of her throne ; she exhibits symptoms of pregnancy^ to the unspeakable joy of Trunnion^ who nevertheless is baulked in his expectation. These innovations were not effected without many loud objections on his part; and divers curious dia- logues passed between him and his yoke-fellow, who always came off victorious from the dispute, insomuch that his countenance gradually fell ; he began to sup- press, and at length entirely devoured, his chagrin ; the terrors of superior authority were plainly perceiv- able in his features, and, in less than three months, he became a thorough-paced husband. Not that his obstinacy was extinguished, though overcome ; in some things he was as inflexible and mulish as ever ; but then he durst not kick so openly, and was reduced to the necessity of being passive in his resentments. Mrs. Trunnion, for example, proposed that a coach-and- six should be purchased, as she could not ride on horse- back, and the chaise was a scandalous carriage for a person of her condition ; the commodore, conscious of his own inferior capacity in point of reasoning, did not think proper to dispute the proposal, but lent a deaf ear to her repeated remonstrances, though they were enforced with every argument which she thought could soothe, terrify, shame, or decoy him into com- pliance. In vain did she urge the excess of affection she had for him as meriting some return of tenderness PEREGRINE PICKLE. 69 and condescension ; he was even proof against certain menacing hints she gave, touching the resentment of a slighted woman ; and he stood out against all the con- siderations of dignity or disgrace, like a bulwark of brass. Neither was he moved to any indecent or unkind expressions of contradiction, even when she upbraided him with his sordid disposition, and put him in mind of the fortune and honour he had acquired by his marriage, but seemed to retire within himself, like a tortoise when attacked, that shrinks within its shell, and silently endured the scourge of her re- proaches, without seeming sensible of the smart. This, however, was the only point in which she had been baffled since her nuptials ; and as she could by no means digest the miscarriage, she tortured her inven- tion for some new plan, by which she might augment her influence and authority ; what her genius refused was supplied by accident ; for she had not lived four months in the garrison, when she was seized with frequent qualms and reachings, her breasts began to harden, and her stomach to be remarkably prominent: in a word, she congratulated herself on the symptoms of her own fertility, and the commodore was trans- ported with joy at the prospect of an heir of his own begetting. She knew this was the proper season for vindicating her own sovereignty, arid, accordingly, employed the means which nature had put in her power. There was not a rare piece of furniture and apparel for which she did not long ; and one day, as she went to church, seeing Lady Stately's equipage arrive, she suddenly fainted away. Her husband, whose vanity had never been so perfectly gratified as with this promised harvest of his own sowing, took the alarm immediately, and, in order to prevent relapses of that kind, wliich 70 THE ADVENTURES OF might be attended with fatal consequences to his hope, gave her leave to bespeak a coach, horses, and liveries, to her own liking. Thus authorized, she in a very- little time exhibited such a specimen of her own taste and magnificence as afforded speculation to the whole county, and made Trunnion's heart quake within him, because he foresaw no limits to her extravagance, which also manifested itself in the most expensive preparations for her lying-in. Her pride, which had hitherto regarded the repre- sentative of her father's house, seemed now to lose all that hereditar}^ respect, and to prompt her to outshine and undervalue the elder branch of her family. She behaved to Mrs. Pickle with a sort of civil reserve that implied a conscious superiority, and an emulation in point of grandeur immediately commenced between the two sisters. She every day communicated her im- portance to the whole parish under pretence of taking the air in her coach, and endeavoured to extend her acquaintance among people of fashion. Nor was this an undertaking attended with great difficulty ; for, all persons whatever, capable of maintaining a certain appearance, will always find admission into what is called the best company, and be rated, in point of character, according to their own valuation, without subjecting their pretensions to the smallest doubt or examination. In all her visits and parties she seized every opportunity of declaring her present condition, observing that she was forbidden by her physicians to taste such a pickle, and that such a dish was poison to a woman m her way ; nay, where she was on a footing of familiarity, she affected to make wry faces, and complained that the young rogue began to be very unruly, writhing herself into divers contortions, as if she had been grievously mcommoded by the mettle of PEREGRINE PICKLE. 71 this future Trunnion. The husband himself did not behave with all the moderation that might have been expected ; at the club he frequently mentioned this circumstance of his own vigour as a pretty successful feat to be performed by an old fellow of fifty-fiv e, and confirmed the opinion of his strength by redoubled squeezes of the landlord's hand, which never failed of extorting a satisfactory certificate of his might. When his companions drank to the Hans en helder^ or Jack in the low cellar, he could not help displaying an ex- traordinary complacence of countenance, and signified his intention of sending the young dog to sea as soon as he should be able to carry a cartridge, in hopes of seeing him an of&cer before his own death. This hope helped to console him under the extra- ordinary expense to which he was exposed by the profusion of his wife, especially when he considered that his compliance with her prodigality would be limited to the expiration of the nine months, of which the best part was, by this time, elapsed ; yet, in spite of all this philosophical resignation, her fancy some- times soared to such a ridiculous and intolerable pitch of insolence and absurdity, that his temper forsook him, and he could not help wishing in secret that her pride might be confounded in the dissipation of her most flattering hopes, even though he himself should be a principal sufferer by her disappointment. These, however, were no other than the suggestions of temporary disgusts, that commonly subsided as sud- denly as they arose, and never gave the least disturb- ance to the person who inspired them, because he took care to conceal them carefully from her knowledge. Meanwhile, she happily advanced in her reckoning, with the promise of a favourable issue; the term of her computation expired, and in the middle of the 72 THE ADVENTURES OF night she was visited by certain warnings that seemed to bespeak the approach of the critical moment. The commodore got up with great alacrity, and called the midwife, who had been several days in the house •, the gossips were immediately summoned, and the most interesting expectations prevailed; but the symptoms of labour gradually vanished, and the matrons sagely observed, this was no more than a false alarm. Two nights after, they received a second intima- tion, and as she was sensibly diminished in the waist, everything was supposed to be in a fair way ; yet this visitation was not more conclusive than the former; her pains wore off in spite of all her endeavours to encourage them, and the good women betook them- selves to their respective homes, in expectation of finding the third attack decisive, alluding to the well- known maxim, that numher three is always fortunate. For once, however, this apothegm failed; the next call was altogether as ineffectual as the former ; and, moreover, attended with a phenomenon which to them was equally strange and inexplicable : this was no other than such a reduction in the size of Mrs. Trun- nion as might have been expected after the birth of a full-grown child. Startled at such an unaccount- able event, they sat in close divan ; and concluding that the case was, in all respects, unnatural and pro- digious, desired that a messenger might be immediately despatched for some male practitioner in the art of midwifery. The commodore, without guessing the cause of their pei'plexity, ordered Pipes immediately on this piece of duty ; and in less than two hours they were assisted by the advice of a surgeon of the neighbourhood, who boldly affirmed that the patient had never been with child. This asseveration was like a clap of thunder PEREGRINE PICKLE. 73 to Mr. Trunnion, who had been durmg eight whole days and nights in continual expectation of being hailed with the appellation of father. After some recollection, he swore the surgeon was an ignorant fellow, and that he would not take his word for what he advanced, being comforted and confirmed in his want of faith by the insinuations of the midwife, who still persisted to feed Mrs. Trunnion with hopes of a speedy and safe delivery; observing that she had been concerned in many a case of the same nature, where a fine child was found, even after all signs of the mother's pregnancy had disappeared. Every twig of hope, how slender soever it may be, is easily caught hold on by people who find them- selves in danger of being disappointed. To every question proposed by her to the lady with the pre- ambles of ' Han't you ? ' or ' Don't you ? ' an answer was made in the affirmative, whether agreeable to truth or not, because the respondent could not find in her heart to disown any symptom that might favour the notion she had so long indulged. This experienced proficient in the obstetric art was therefore kept in close attendance for the space of three weeks, during which the patient had several returns of what she pleased herself with believing to be labour-pains, till _ at length _she_and hp.r Im.qbfl.nri became t he s tanding joke of the paris h ; and this infatuated couple could scarce be prevailed upon to part with their hopes, even when she appeared as lank as a greyhound, and they were furnished with other unquestionable proofs of their having been de- ceived. But they could not for ever remain under the influence of this sweet delusion, which at last faded away, and was succeeded by a paroxysm of shame and confusion that kept the husband within 74 THE ADVENTURES OF doors for the space of a whole fortnight, and confined his lady to her bed for a series of weeks, during which she suffered all the anguish of the most intense mortification ; yet even this was subdued by the lenient hand of time. The first respite from her chagrin was employed in the strict discharge of what are called the duties of religion, which she performed with the most ran- corous severity, setting on foot a persecution in her own family that made the house too hot for all the menial servants, even ruffled the almost invincible indifference of Tom Pipes, harassed the commodore himself out of all patience, and spared no individual but Lieutenant Hatchway, whom she never ventured to disoblige. CHAPTER XL Mrs, Trunnion erects a tyranny in the garrison^ while her husband conceives an affection for his nephew Perry ^ loho manifests a 'peculiarity of disposition even in his tender years. Having exercised herself three months in such pious amusements, she appeared again in the world ; but her misfortune had made such an impression on her mind, that she could not bear the sight of a child, and trembled whenever the conversation happened to turn upon a christening. Her temper, which was naturally none of the sweetest, seemed to have im- bibed a double proportion of souring from her dis- appointment; of consequence, her company was not PEREGRINE PICKLE. 75 much coveted, and she found very few people disposed to treat her with those marks of consideration which she looked upon as her due. This neglect detached her from the society of an unmannerly world; she concentered the energy of all her talents in the govern- ment of her own house, which groaned accordingly under her arbitrary sway; and in the brandy-bottle found ample consolation for all the affliction she had undergone. As for the commodore, he in a little time weathered his disgrace, after having sustained many severe jokes from the lieutenant; and now, his chief aim being to be absent from his own house as much as possible, he frequented the public-house more than ever, more assiduously cultivated the friendship of his brother- in-law Mr. Pickle, and in the course of their intimacy, conceived an affection for his nephew Perry, which did not end but with his life. Indeed, it must be owned that Trunnion was not naturally deficient in the social passions of the soul, which, though they were strangely warped, disguised, or overborne by the circumstance of his boisterous life and education, did not fail to manifest themselves occasionally through the whole course of his behaviour. As all the hopes of propagating his own name had perished, and his relations lay under the interdiction of his hate, it is no wonder that, through the famili- arity and friendly intercourse subsisting between him and Mr. Gamaliel, he contracted a liking for the boy, who, by this time, entered the third year of his age, and was indeed a very handsome, healthy, and pro- mising child; and what seemed to ingratiate him still more with his uncle was a certain oddity of dis- position for which he had been remarkable even from his cradle. It is reported of him, that, before the 76 THE ADVENTURES OF first year of his infancy was elapsed, he used very often, immediately after being dressed, in the midst of the caresses which were bestowed upon him by his mother while she indulged herself in the contem- plation of her own happiness, all of a sudden to alarm her with a fit of shrieks and cries, which continued with great violence till he was stripped to the skin, with the utmost expedition, by order of his afii'ighted parent, who thought his tender body was tortured by the misapplication of some unlucky pin ; and when he had given them all this disturbance and unneces- sary trouble, he would lie sprawling and laughing in their faces, as if he ridiculed the impertinence of their concern. Nay, it is affirmed, that one day, when an old woman, who attended in the nursery, had, by stealth, conveyed a bottle of cordial-waters to her mouth, he pulled his nurse by the sleeve, and by a slight glance detecting the theft, tipped her the wink with a particular slyness of countenance, as if he had said, with a sneer, ' Ay, ay, that is what you ^must all come to.' But these instances of reflection in a babe nine months old are so incredible, that I look upon them as ex post facto observations, founded upon imaginary recollections, when he was in a more advanced age, and his peculiarities of temper became much more remarkable ; of a piece with the ingenious discoveries of those sagacious observers, who can dis- cern something evidently characteristic in the features of any noted personage whose character they have previously heard explained ; yet, without pretending to specify at what period of his childhood this singu- larity first appeared, I can with great truth declare, that when he first attracted the notice and affection of his uncle, it was plainly perceivable. One would imagine he had marked out the com- PEREGRINE PICKLE. 11 modore as a proper object of ridicule; for almost all his little childish ■_§atir& was levelled against him. I will not deny that he might have been influenced in this particular by the example and instruction of Mr. Hatchway, who delighted in superintending the first essays of his genius. As the gout had taken up its residence in Mr. Trunnion's great toe, whence it never removed, no not for a day, little Perry took great pleasure in treading by accident on this infirm member ; and when his uncle, incensed by the pain, used to d — him for a hell-begotten brat, he would appease him in a twinkling by returning the curse with equal emphasis, and asking what was the matter with old Hannibal Tough ? an appellation by which the lieute- nant had taught him to distinguish this grim com- mander. Neither was this the only experiment he tried upon the patience of the commodore, with whose nose he used to take indecent freedoms, even while he was fondled on his knee ; in one month he put him to the expense of two guineas in seal-skin, by picking his pocket of divers tobacco-pouches, all of which he in secret committed to the flames. Nor did the caprice of his disposition abstain fi'om the favourite beverage of Trunnion, who more than once swallowed a whole draught in which his brother's snufi-box had been emptied, before he perceived the disagreeable infusion : and one day, when the commodore had chastised him by a gentle tap with his cane, he fell flat on the floor as if he had been deprived of all sense and motion, to the terror and amazement of the striker; and after having filled the whole house with confusion and dismay, opened his eyes and laughed heartily at the success of his own imposition. It would be an endless, and perhaps no very agree- 78 777^ ADVENTURES OF able task, to enumerate all the unlucky pranks he played upon his uncle and others, before he attained the fourth year of his age ; about which time he was sent, with an attendant, to a day-school in the neigh- bourhood, that (to use his good mother's own expres- sion) he might be out of harm's way. Here, however, he made little progress, except in mischief, which he practised with impunity, because the school-mistress would run no risk of disobliging a lady of fortune, by exercising unnecessary severities upon her only child. Nevertheless, Mrs. Pickle was not so blindly partial as to be pleased with such unseasonable indulgence. Perry was taken out of the hands of this courteous teacher and committed to the instruction of a peda- gogue, who was ordered to administer such correction as the boy should, in his opinion, deserve. This authority he did not neglect to use; his pupil was regularly flogged twice a day, and after having been subjected to this course of discipline for the space of eighteen months, declared the most obstinate, dull, and untoward genius that ever had fallen under his culti- vation; instead of being reformed, he seemed rather hardened and confirmed in his vicious inclinations, ^and was dead to all sense of fear as well as shame. His mother was extremely mortified at these symptoms of stupidity, which she considered as an inheritance derived from the spirit of his father, and consequently insurmountable by all the efforts of human care. But the commodore rejoiced over the ruggedness of his nature, and was particularly pleased when, upon inquiry, he found that Perry had beaten all the boys in the school, a circumstance from which he prog- nosticated everything that was fair and fortunate in his future fate ; observing that at his age he was just such another. The boy, who was now turned of six, PEREGRINE PICKLE. 79 having profited so little under the birch of his un- sparing governor, Mrs. Pickle was counselled to send him to a boarding-school not far from London, which was kept by a certain person very eminent for his successful method of education. This advice she the more readily embraced, because at that time she found herself pretty far gone with another child, that she hoped would console her for the disappointment she had met with in the unpromising talents of Perry, \y or, at any rate, divide her concern so as to enable her to endure the absence of either. CHAPTER XII. Peregrine is sent to a hoarding-school^ and becomes remarkable for his genius and ambition. The commodore understanding her determination, to which her husband did not venture to make the least objection, interested himself so much in behalf of his favourite, as to fit him out at his own charge, and accompany him in person to the place of his desti- nation, where he defrayed the expense of his entrance, and left him to the particular care and inspection of the usher, who, having been recommended to him as a person of parts and integrity, received per advance a handsome consideration for the task he undertook. Nothing could be better judged than this piece of liberality ; the assistant was actually a man of learn- ing, probity, and good sense; and though obliged by the scandalous administration of fortune to act in 80 THE ADVENTURES OF the character of an inferior teaclier, had by his sole capacity and application brought the school to that degree of reputation which it never could have ob- tained from the talents of his superior. He had esta- blished an economy, which, though regular, was not at all severe, by enacting a body of laws suited to the age and comprehension of every individual ; and each transgressor was fairly tried by his peers, and punished according to the verdict of the jury. No boy was scourged for want of apprehension ; but a spirit of emulation was raised by well-timed praise and artful comparison, and maintained by a distribution of small prizes, which were adjudged to those who signalized themselves either by their industry, sobriety, or genius. This tutor, whose name was Jennings, began with Perry, according to his constant maxim, by examin- ing the soil ; that is, studying his temper, in order to consult the bias of his disposition, which was strangely perverted by the absurd discipline he had undergone. He found him in a state of sullen insensibility, which the child had gradually contracted in a long course of stupefying correction ; and, at first, he was not in the least actuated by that commendation which ani- mated the rest of his school-fellows ; nor was it in the power of reproach to' excite his ambition, which had been buried, as it were, in the grave of disgrace] the usher, therefore, had recourse to contemptuous neglect, with which he affected to treat his stubborn spirit ; foreseeing that, if he retained any seeds of sentiment, this weather would infallibly raise them into vegeta- tion. His judgment was justified by the event ; the boy, in a little time, began to make observations ; he perceived the marks of distinction with which virtue was rewarded, grew ashamed of the despicable figure he himself made among his companions, Avho, far PEREGRINE PICKLE. 81 from courting, rather sliunned his conversation, and actually pined at his own want of Importance. Mr. Jennings saw and rejoiced at his mortification, which he suffered to proceed as far as possible, without endangering his health. The child lost all relish for diversion, loathed his food, grew pensive, solitary, and was frequently found weeping by himself. These symptoms plainly evinced the recovery of his feelings, to which his governor thought it now high time to make application ; and therefore, by little and little, altered his behaviour from the Indifference he had put on, to the appearance of more regard and attention. This produced a favourable change in the boy, whose eyes sparkled with satisfaction one day, when his master expressed himself with a show of surprise In these words, ' So, Perry ! I find you don't want genius,^ ' when you think proper to use it.' Such encomiums kindled the spirit of emulation in his little breast ; he exerted himself with surprising alacrity, by which he soon acquitted himself of the Imputation of dulness, and obtained sundry honorary silver pennies, as ac- knowledgments of his application: his school-fellows now solicited his friendship as eagerly as they had avoided it before ; and, in less than a twelvemonth after his arrival, this supposed dunce was remarkable for the brightness of his parts ; having In that short period learnt to read English perfectly well, made great progress In writing, enabled himself to speak the French language without hesitation, and acquired some knowledge in the rudiments of the Latin tongue. The usher did not fail to transmit an account of his proficiency to the commodore, who received It with transport, and forthwith communicated the happy tidings to the parents. ]\Ir. Gamaliel Pickle, who was never subject to VOL. III. 6 82 THE ADVENTURES OF violent emotions, liearcl them with a sort of phleg- matic satisfaction, that scarcely manifested itself either in his comitenance or expressions ; nor did the child's mother break forth into that rapture and admiration which might have been expected, when she understood how much the talents of her first-born had exceeded the hope of her warmest imagination. Not but that she professed herself well pleased with Perry's repu- tation ; though she observed, that, in these commen- dations, the truth was always exaggerated by school- masters, for their own interest ; and pretended to wonder that the usher had not mingled more proba- bility with his praise. Trunnion was offended at her indifference and want of faith, and believing that she refined too much in her discernment, swore that Jennings had declared the truth, and nothing but the truth ; for he himself had prophesied from the begin- ning that the boy would turn out a credit to his family. But, by this time, Mrs. Pickle was blessed with a daughter, whom she had brought into the world about six months before the intelligence arrived ; so that her care and affection being otherwise engrossed, the praise of Perry was the less greedily devoured. The abatement of her fondness was an advantage to his education, which would have been retarded, and perhaps ruined, by pernicious indulgence and prepos- terous interposition, had her love considered him as an only child ; whereas, her concern being now diverted to another object that shared, at least, one- half of her affection, he was left to the management of his preceptor, who tutored him according to his own plan, without any let or interruption. Indeed, all his sagacity and circumspection were but barely sufficient to keep the young gentleman in order; for, now tliat he had won the palm of victory from his I \ PEREGRINE PICKLE. 83 rivals in point of scholarship, his ambition dilated, and he was seized with the desire of subjecting the whole school by the valour of his armP Before he could bring his project to bear, innumerable battles were fought with various success ; every day a bloody nose and complaint were presented against him, and his own visage commonly bore some livid marks of obstinate contention. At length, however, he accom- plished his aim ; his adversaries were subdued, his prowess acknowledged, and he obtained the laurel in war as well as in wit. Thus triumphant, he was intoxicated with success. His pride rose in proportion to his power, and in spite of all the endeavours of Jennings, who practised every method he could invent for curbing his licentious conduct without depressing his spirit, he contracted a large proportion of insolence, which a series of misfortunes that happened in the sequel could scarce effectually tame. Nevertheless,"'^ there was a fund of good-nature and generosity in his composition ; and though he established a tyranny , among his comrades, the tranquillity of his reign was maintained by the love rather than by the fear of his^ subjects. In the midst of all this enjoyment of empire, he never once violated that respectful awe with which the usher had found means to inspire him ; but he by no means preserved the same regard for the prin- cipal master, an old, illiterate German quack, who had formerly practised corn-cutting among the quality, and sold cosmetic washes to the ladies, together with tooth-powders, hair-dyeing liquors, prolific elixirs, and tinctures to sweeten the breath. These nostrums, recommended by the art of cringing, in which he was consummate, ingratiated him so much with the people of fashion, that he was enabled to set up school with 6—2 84 THE ADVENTURES OF five-and-twenty boys of the best families, whom he boarded on his own terms, and undertook to instruct in the French and Latin languages, so as to qualify them for the colleges of Westminster and Eton. While this plan was in its infancy, he was so fortunate as to meet with Jennings, who, for the paltry consideration of thirty pounds a year, which his necessities com- pelled him to accept, took the whole trouble of edu- cating the children upon himself, contrived an excel- lent system for that purpose, and by his assiduity and knowledge executed all the particulars to the entire satisfaction of those concerned, who, by-the-bye, never inquired into these qualifications, but suffered the other to enjoy the fruits of his labour and ingenuity. Over and above a large stock of avarice, ignorance, and vanity, this superior had certain ridiculous pecu- liarities in his person, such as a hunch upon his back, and distorted limbs, that seemed to attract the satirical notice of Peregrine, who, young as he was, took offence at his want of reverence for his usher, over whom he sometimes chose opportunities of displaying his autho- rity, that the boys might not misplace their veneration. Mr. Keypstick, therefore, such as I have described him, incurred the contempt and displeasure of his enter- prising pupil, who now, being in the tenth year of his age, had capacity enough to give him abundance of vexation. He underwent many mortifying jokes from the invention of Pickle and his confederates ; so that he began to entertain suspicion of Mr. Jennings, who, he could not help thinking, had been at the bottom of them all, and spirited up principles of rebellion in the school, with a view of making himself independent. Possessed with this chimera, which was void of all foundation, the German descended so low as to tamper in private with the boys, from whom he hoped to draw PEREGRINE PICKLE. 85 some very important discovery, but lie was disap- pointed in his expectations, and this mean practice reaching the ears of his usher, he voluntarily resigned his employment. Finding interest to obtain holy orders in a little time after, he left the kingdom, hoping to find a settlement in some of our American plantations. The departure of Mr. Jennings produced a great revolution in the affairs of Keypstick, which declined from that moment, because he had n ei ther autho rity t oenforce obedience, no r prudence to main tain order among his scholars, so that the school degenerated into anarchy and confusion, and he himself dwindled in the opinion of his employers, who looked upon him as superannuated, and withdrew their children from his tuition. Peregrine, seeing this dissolution of their society, and finding himself every day deprived of some com- panion, began to repine at his situation, and resolved, if possible, to procure his release from the jurisdiction of the person whom he both detested and despised. With this view he went to work, and composed the following billet, addressed to the commodore, which was the first specimen of his composition in the epis- tolary way: — ' Honoured and loving Uncle, ' Hoping you are in good health, this serves to in- form you that Mr. Jennings is gone, and Mr. Keyp- stick will never meet with his fellow. The school is already almost broke up, and the rest daily going away 5 and I beg of you of all love to have me fetched away also, for I cannot bear to be any longer under one who is a perfect ignoramus, who scarce knows the declination of musa^ and is more fit to be a scare- S6 THE ADVENTURES OF crow than a schoolmaster. Hopmg you will send for me soon, with my love to my aunt, and my duty to my honoured parents, craving their blessing and yours. And this is all at present from, honoured uncle, your well-beloved and dutiful nephew and godson, and humble servant to command till death, ' Peeegrine Pickle.' Trunnion was overjoyed at the receipt of this letter, which he looked upon as one of the greatest efforts of human genius, and as such communicated the contents to his lady, whom he had disturbed for the purpose in the middle of her devotion, by sending a message to her closet, whither it was her custom very frequently to retire. She was out of humour at being interrupted, and therefore did not peruse this specimen of her hus- band's understanding with all the relish that the com- Y^modore himself had enjoyed ; on the contrary, after sundry paralytfical endeavours to speak (for her tongue sometimes refused its office), she observed that the boy was a pert jackanapes, and deserved to be severely chastised for treating his betters with such disrespect. Her husband undertook his godson's defence, repre- senting with great warmth that he knew Keypstick to be a good-for-nothing pimping old rascal, and that Perry showed a great deal of spirit and good sense in desiring to be taken from under his command ; he therefore declared that tlie boy should not live a week longer with such a shambling son of a bitch, and sanc- tioned this declaration with abundance of oaths. Mrs. Trunnion, composing her countenance into a look of religious demureness, rebuked him for his profane way of talking 5 and asked, in a magisterial tone, if he intended never to lay aside that brutal behaviour. Irritated at this reproach, he answered, PEREGRINE PICKLE. 87 in terms of indignation, that he knew how to behave himself as well as e'er a woman that wore a head, bade her mind her own affairs, and, with another repetition of oaths, gave her to understand that he would be master in his own house. This insinuation operated upon her spirits like fric- tion upon a glass globe ; her face gleamed with resent- ment, and every pore seemed to emit particles of flame. She replied with incredible fluency of the bitterest expressions. He retorted equal rage in broken hints anxLi^icgherenl imprecations. She rejoined with re- doubled fury ; and, in conclusion, he was fain to betake himself to flight, ejaculating curses against her, and muttering something concerning the brandy-bottle, which, however, he took care should never reach her ears. From his own house he went directly to visit Mrs. Pickle, to whom he imparted Peregrine's epistle, with many encomiums upon the boy's promising parts ; and finding his commendations but coldly received, desired she would permit him to take his godson under his own care. This lady, whose family was now increased by another son who seemed to engross her care for the present, had not seen Perry during a course of four years, and, with regard to him, was perfectly ' weaned of that infirmity known by the name of maternal fond- ness ; she therefore consented to the commodore's re- quest with great condescension, and a polite compH- ment to him on the concern he had all along manifested for thci, welfare of the child. 88 THE ADVENTURES OF CHAPTER XIII. The commodore takes Peregrine under Ms oivn care. The hoy arrives at the garrison ; is strangely received hy his oion mother ; enters into a confederacy with Hatch- way and Pipes J and executes a couple of loaggish enterprises uyon his aunt. Trunnion having obtained this permission, that very afternoon despatched the lieutenant in a post-chaise to Keypstick's house, whence in two days he returned with our young hero, who, being now in the eleventh year of his age, had outgrown the expectation of all his family, and was remarkable for the beauty and elegance of his person. His godfather was transported at his arrival, as if he had been actually the issue of his own loins. He shook him heartily by the hand, turned him round and round, surveyed him from top to bottom, bade Hatchway take notice how hand- somely he was built, squeezed his hand again, saying, * I) — me, you dog, I suppose you don't value such * an old crazy son of a bitch as me a rope's end. You ' have forgot how I wont to dandle you on my knee, ' when you was a little urchin no bigger than the ' davit, and played a thousand tricks upon me, burning * my tobacco-pouches and poisoning my rumbo. O ! ' d — ye, you can grin fast enough, I see ; I warrant ' you have learnt more things than writing and the ' Latin lingo.' Even Tom Pipes expressed uncommon satisfaction on this joyful occasion ; and coming up to Perry, thrust forth his fore-paw, and accosted him with the salutation of, ' What cheer, my young master ? I PEREGRINE PICKLE. 89 ' am glad to see thee, with all my heart.' These compliments being passed, his uncle halted at the door of his wife's chamber, at which he stood hallooing. Here's yom- kinsman Perry, belike you won't come and bid him welcome ? ' — ' Lord ! Mr. Trunnion,' said she ' why will you continually harass me in this manner with your impertinent intrusions ? ' — ' I harrow you ! ' replied the commodore ; ' 'sblood ! I believe your upper works are damaged. I only came to inform you, that here was your cousin, whom you have not seen these four long years ; and I'll be d — if there is such another of his age within the king's dominions, d'ye see, either for make or mettle ; he's a credit to the name, d'ye see, but d — my eyes, I'll say no more of the matter ; if you come you may, if you won't, ^^ou may let it alone.' — ' Well, I won't come, then,' answered his yoke-fellow, ' for I am at present more agreeably employed.' ' Gho ! you are ? I believe so too,' cried the commodore, making wry faces, and mimicking the action of dram- drinking. Then, addressing himself to Hatchway : ' Prithee, Jack,' said he, ' go and try thy skill on that stubborn hulk; if anybody can bring her about, I know you wool.' The lieutenant accordingly, taking his station at the door, conveyed his persuasion in these words : What ! won't you turn out and hail little Perry ? It will do your heart good to see such a handsome young dog ; I'm sure he is the very moral of you, and as like as if he had been spit out of your own mouth, as the saying is. Do show a little respect for your kinsman, can't you ? ' To this remonstrance she eplied in a mild tone of voice, ' Dear Mr. Hatchway, you are always teazing one in such a manner ; sure I am, nobody can tax me with unkindness, or want of natural affection*,' so saying, she opened the door, 90 THE ADVENTURES OF and advancing to the hall where her nephew stood, received him very graciously, and observed that he was the very image of her papa. In the afternoon he was conducted by the com- modore to the house of his parents; and, strange to tell, no sooner was he presented to his mother, than her countenance changed; she eyed him with tokens of affliction and surprise, and bursting into tears, exclaimed her child was dead, and this was no other than an impostor whom they had brought to defraud "her sorrow. Trunnion was confounded at this unac- countable passion, which had no other foundation than caprice and whim, and Gamaliel was himself so discon- certed and unsettled in his own belief, which began to waver, that he knew not how to behave towards the boy, whom his godfather immediately carried back to the garrison, swearing all the way that Perry should never cross their threshold again with his good will. Nay, so much was he incensed at this unnatural and absurd renunciation, that he refused to carry on any further correspondence with Pickle until he was ap- peased by his solicitations and submission, and Pere- grine owned as his son and heir. But this acknow- ledgment was made without the privity of his wife, whose vicious aversion he was obliged, in appearance, to adopt. Thus exiled from his father's house, the young gentleman was left entirely at the disposal of the commodore, whose affection for him daily in- creased, insomuch that he could scarce prevail upon himself to part with him when his education absolutely required that he should be otherwise disposed of. In all probability, this extraordinary attachment was, if not produced, at least riveted, by that peculiar turn in Peregrine's imagination, which we have already observed ; and which, during his residence in the castle, PEREGRINE PICKLE. 91 appeared in sundry stratagems he practised upon his uncle and aunt, under the auspices of Mr. Hatchway, who assisted him in the contrivance and execution of all his schemes. Nor was Pipes exempted from a share in their undertakings ; for, being a trusty fellow, not without dexterity in some cases, and altogether resigned to their will, they found him a serviceable instrument for their purpose, and used him accord- ingly. The first sample of their art was exliibited upon Mrs. Trunnion. They terrified that good lady with strange noises when she retired to her devotion. Pipes was a natural genius in the composition of discords ; he could imitate the sound produced by the winding of a jack, the filing of a saw, and the swinging of a male- factor hanoino; in chains ; he could counterfeit the braying of an ass, the screeching of a night-owl, the caterwauling of cats, the howling of a dog, the squeak- ing of a pig, the crowing of a cock ; and he had learned the war-whoop uttered by the Indians in North Ame- rica. These talents were exerted successively at dif- ferent times and places, to the terror of Mrs. Trunnion, the discomposure of the commodore himself, and the consternation of all the servants in the castle. Pere- grine, w^ith a sheet over his clothes, sometimes tumbled before his aunt in the twilight, when her organs of vision were a little impaired by the cordial she had swallowed ; and the boatswain's mate taught him to shoe cats with walnut-shells, so that they made a most dreadful clattering in their nocturnal excursions. The mind of Mrs. Trunnion was not a little disturbed by these alarms, which, in her opinion, portended the death of some principal person in the family; she re- doubled her religious exercises, and fortified her spirits with fi'esh potations; nay, she began to take notice that 92 THE ADVENTURES OF Mr. TruDnion's constitution was very much broken, and seemed dissatisfied when people observed that they never saw him look better. Her frequent visits to the closet, where all her consolation was deposited, inspired the confederates with a device which had like to have been attended with tragical consequences. They found an opportunity to infuse jallap in one of her case-bottles, and she took so largely of this medi- cine, that her constitution had well nigh sunk under the violence of its effect. She suffered a succession of fainting fits that reduced her to the brink of the grave, in spite of all the remedies that were administered by a physician, who was called in the beginning of her disorder. After having examined the symptoms, he de- clared that the patient had been poisoned with arsenic, and prescribed oily draughts and lubricating injections, to defend the coats of the stomach and the intestines from the vellicating particles of that pernicious mi- neral; at the same time hinting, with a look of infinite sagacity, that it was not difficult to divine the whole mystery. He affected to deplore the poor lady, as if she was exposed to more attempts of the same nature ; thereby glancing obliquely at the innocent commodore, whom the officious son of ^sculapius suspected as the author of this expedient, to rid his hand of a yoke- fellow for whom he was well-known to have no great devotion. This impertinent and malicious insinuation made some impression upon the bystanders, and fur- nished ample field for slander to asperse the morals of Trunnion, who was repi-esented through the whole district as a monster of barbarity. Nay, the sufferer herself, though she behaved with great decency and prudence, could not help entertaining some small diffi- dence of her husband; not that she imagined he had any design upon her life; but that he had been at PEREGRINE PICKLE. 93 pains to adulterate the brandy, with a view of detach- ing her from that favourite liquor. On this supposition she resolved to act with more caution for the future, Avithout setting on foot any inquiry about the affair; while the commodore, im- puting her indisposition to some natural cause, after the danger was past never bestowed a thought upon the subject: so that the perpetrators were quit of their fear, which, however, had punished them so effectually, that they never would hazard any more jokes of the same nature. The shafts of their wit were now directed against the commodore himself, whom they teased and terri- ^ tied al most o ut of his sense s. One day, while he was at dinner, Pipes came and told him that there was a person below that wanted to speak with him im- mediately about an affair of the greatest importance, that would admit of no delay ; upon which he ordered the stranger to be told that he was engaged, and that he must send up his name and business. To this demand he received for answer a message importing that the person's name was unknown to him, and his business of such a nature that it could not be dis- closed to any one but the commodore himself, whom he earnestly desired to see without loss of time. Trunnion, surprised at this importunity, got up with great reluctance in the middle of his meal, and de- scended to a parlour where the stranger was, asked him, in a surly tone, what he wanted with him in such a d — hurry that he could not wait till he had made an end of his mess. The other, not at all disconcerted at this rough address, advanced close up to him on his tiptoes, and, with a look of confidence and conceit, laying his mouth to one side of the com- modore's head, whispered softly in his ear, ' Sir, I 94 THE ADVENTURES OF ' am tlie attorney whom you wanted to converse with ' in private.' ' The attorney ! ' cried Trunnion, staring and half-choked with choler. — ' Yes, sir, at your ' service,' replied this retainer of the law ; ' and if you ' please, the sooner we despatch the affair the better ; ' for 'tis an old observation that delay breeds danger.' — 'Truly, brother,' said the commodore, who could no longer contain himself, ' I do confess that I am ' very much of your way of thinking, d'ye see ; and ' therefore you shall be despatched in a trice ; ' so saying, he lifted up his walking-staff, which was some- thing between a crutch and a cudgel, and discharged it with such energy on the seat of the attorney's understanding, that if there had been anything but solid bone, the contents of this skull must have been evacuated. Fortified as he was by nature against all such assaults, he could not withstand the momentum of the blow, which in an instant laid him flat on the floor, deprived of all sense and motion ; and Trunnion hopped upstairs to dinner, applauding himself in ejacu- lations all the way for the vengeance he had taken on such an impudent, pettifogging miscreant. The attorney no sooner awakened from his trance into which he had been so unexpectedly lulled, than he cast his eyes around in quest of evidence by which he might be enabled the more easily to prove the injury he had sustained; but not a soul appearing, he made shift to get upon his legs again, and with the blood trickling over his nose, followed one of the servants into the dining-room, resolved to come to an explanation with the assailant, and either extort money from him by way of satisfaction, or provoke him to a second application before witnesses. With this view he entered the room in a peal of clamour, PEREGRINE PICKLE. 95 to tlie amazement of all present, and the terror of Mrs. Trmmion, who shrieked at the appearance of such a spectacle ; and addressing himself to the com- modore, ' I'll tell you what, sir,' said he, ' if there be ' law in England, I'll make you smart for this here ' assault ; you think you have screened yourself from ' a prosecution by sending all your servants out of the ' way, but that circumstance will appear upon trial to ' be a plain proof of the malice propense with which ' the fact was committed ; especially when corroborated ' by the evidence of this here letter, under your own ' hand, whereby I am desired to come to your own ' house to transact an affair of consequence ; ' so saying, he produced the writing, and i-ead the contents in these words : ' Mr. Eoger Ravine. ' Sir, * Being in a manner prisoner in my own house, I ' desire you will give me a call precisely at three ' o'clock in the afternoon, and insist upon seeing you ' myself, as I have an affair of great consequence in ' which your particular advice is wanted by your ' humble servant, ' Hawser Trunnion.' The one-eyed commander, who had been satisfied with the chastisement he had already bestowed upon the plaintiff, hearing him read this audacious piece of forgery, which he considered as the effect of his own villany, started up from the table, and seizing a huge turkey that lay in a dish before him, would have applied it, sauce and all, by way of poultice to bis wound, had he not been restrained by Hatchway, who laid fast hold on both his arms, and fixed him to his chair again, advising the attorney to sheer off 96 THE ADVENTURES OF with what he had got. Far from following this salutary counsel, he redoubled his threats, and set Trunnion at defiance, telling him he was not a man of true courage, although he had commanded a ship of war, or else he would not have attacked any person in such a cowardly and clandestine manner. This provocation would have answered his purpose effectu- ally had not his adversary's indignation been repressed by the suggestions of the lieutenant, who desired his friend, in a whisper, to be easy, for he would take care to have the attorney tossed in a blanket for his presumption. This proposal, which he received with great approbation, pacified him in a moment ; he wiped the sweat from his forehead, and his features relaxed into a grim smile. Hatchway disappeared, and Eavine proceeded with great fluency of abuse until he was interrupted by the arrival of Pipes, who, without any expostulation, led him out by the hand, and conducted him to the yard, where he was put in a carpet, and in a twinkling sent into the air, by the strength and dexterity of five stout operators whom the lieutenant had selected from the number of the domestics for that singular spell of duty. In vain did the astonished vaulter beg, for the love of God and passion of Christ, that they would take pity upon him, and put an end to his involuntary gam- bols. They were deaf to his prayers and protestations, even when he swore, in the most solemn manner, that if they would cease tormenting him, he would forget and forgive what was passed, and depart in peace to his own habitation ; and continued the game till they were fatigued with the exercise. Ravine being dismissed in a most melancholy plight, brought an action of assault and battery against the PEREGRINE PICKLE. 97 commodore, and subpoenaed all the servants as evi- dences in the cause; but, as none of them had seen what happened, he did not find his account in the prosecution, though he himself examined all the witnesses, and, among other questions, asked, whether they had not seen him come in like another man ? and whether they had ever seen any other man in such a condition as that in which he had crawled off? But this last interrogation they were not obliged to answer, because it had reference to the second discipline he had undergone, in which they and they only were concerned ; and no person is bound to give testimony against himself. In short, the attorney was nonsuited, to the satisfac- tion of all who knew him, and found himself under the necessity of proving that he had received, in course of post, the letter which was declared in court a scandalous forgery, in order to prevent an indictment with which he was threatened by the commodore, who little dreamt that the whole affair had been planned and executed by Peregrine and his associates. The next enterprise, in which this triumvirate engaged, was a scheme to frighten Trunnion with an apparition, which they prepared and exhibited in this manner : To the hide of a large ox Pipes fitted a leathern vizor of a most terrible appearance, stretched on the jaws of a shark, which he had brought from sea, and accommodated with a couple of broad glasses instead of eyes. On the inside of these he placed two rushlights, and, with a composition of sulphur and saltpetre, made a pretty large fuse, which he fixed be- tween two rows of the teeth. This equipage being finished, he, one dark night chosen for the purpose, put it on, and, following the commodore into a long passage in which he was preceded by Perry with a VOL. Ill, 7 98 THE ADVENTURES OF light in his hand, kindled his firework with a match, and began to bellow like a bull. The boy, as it was concerted, looking behind him, screamed aloud, and dropped the light, which was extinguished in the fall ; when Trunnion, alarmed at his nephew's consternation, exclaimed, ' Zounds ! what's the matter ? ' And turn- ing about to see the cause of this dismay, beheld a hideous phantom vomiting blue flame, which aggra- vated the horrors of its aspect. He was instantly seized with an agony of fear, which divested him of his reason ; nevertheless, he, as it were mechanically, raised his trusty supporter in his own defence, and the apparition advancing towards him, aimed it at this dreadful annoyance with such a convulsive exertion of strength, that had not the blow chanced to light upon one of the horns, Mr. Pipes would have had no cause to value himself upon his invention. Misapplied as it was, he did not fail to stagger at the shock, and dread- ing another such salutation, closed with the commodore, and, having tripped up his Jieels, retreated with great expedition. It was then that Peregrine, pretending to recollect himself a little, ran, with all the marks of disturbance and affright, and called up the servants to the assis- tance of their master ; whom they found in a cold sweat upon the floor, his features betokening horror and confusion. Hatchway raised him up, and, having comforted him with a cup of Nantz, began to inquire into the cause of his disorder, but he could not extract one word of answer from his friend, who, after a con- siderable pause, during which he seemed to be wrapped up in profound contemplation, pronounced aloud, ' By ' the Lord ! Jack, you may say what you wool ; but ' I'll be d — if it was not Davy Jones himself. I know ' him by his saucer- eyes, his three rows of teeth, his PEREGRINE PICKLE. 99 ' horns, and tail, and the blue smoke that came out of ' his nostrils. What does the blackguard hell's-baby ' want with me ? I'm sure I never committed murder, ' except in the way of my profession, nor wronged any ' man whatsomever since I first went to sea/ This same Davy Jones, according to the mythology of sailors, is the fiend that presides over all the evil spirits of the deep, and is often seen in various shapes, perching among the rigging on the eve of hurricanes, shipwrecks, and other disasters to which a seafaring life is exposed ; warning the devoted wretch of death and woe. No wonder then that Trunnion was dis- turbed by a supposed visit of this demon, which, in his opinion, foreboded some dreadful calamity. CHAPTER XIV. He is also^ hy their advice^ engaged in an adventure with the exciseman^ who does not find his account in his oion drollery. Howsoever preposterous and unaccountable that pas- sion may be which prompts persons, otherwise generous and sympathizing, to afflict and perplex their fellow- creatures, certain it is our confederates entertained such a large proportion of it that, not satisfied with the pranks they had already played, they still per- secuted the commodore without ceasing. In the course of his own history, the particulars of which he delighted to recount, he had often rehearsed an adventure of deer-stealing, in which (during the un- 7—2 100 THE ADVENTURES OF thinking impetuosity of youth) he had been unfor- tunately concerned. Far from succeeding in that achievement, he and his associates had (it seems) been made prisoners, after an obstinate engagement with the keepers, and carried before a neighbouring justice of the peace, who used Trunnion with great indignity, and, with his companions, committed him to gaol. His own relations, and in particular an uncle, on whom he chiefly depended, treated him dm'ing his confinement with great rigour and inhumanity, and absolutely refused to interpose his influence in his behalf, unless he would sign a writing, obliging himself to go to sea within thirty days after his release, under the penalty of being proceeded agamst as a felon. The alternative was either to undergo this voluntary exile, or remain m prison disowned and deserted by every- body, and after all suffer an ignominious trial, that might end in a sentence of transportation for life. He therefore, without much hesitation, embraced the pro- posal of his kinsman, and (as he observed) was in less than a month after his discharge turned adrift to the mercy of the wind and waves. Since that period he had never maintained any correspondence with his relations, all of whom had concurred in sending him oflp; nor would he ever pay the least regard to the humiliations and supplications of some among them, who had prostrated themselves before him on the advancement of his fortune ; but he retained a most inveterate resentment against his uncle, who was still in being, though extremely old and infirm, and frequently mentioned his name with all the bitterness of revenge. Perry being perfectly well acquainted with the par- ticulars of this story, which he had heard so often repeated, proposed to Hatchway that a person should PEREGRINE PICKLE. •► 101 be hired to introduce himself to the commodore with a supposititious letter of recommendation from this detested kinsman ; an imposition that in all likelihood would afford abundance of diversion. The lieutenant relished the scheme, and young Pickle having composed an epistle for the occasion, the exciseman of the parish, a fellow of great impu- dence and some humour, in whom Hatchway could confide, undertook to transcribe and deliver it with his own hands, and also personate the man in whose favour it was feigned to be written. He accordingly one morning arrived on horseback at the garrison, two hours at least before Trunnion used to get up, and gave Pipes, who admitted him, to understand that he had a letter for his master, which he was ordered to deliver to none but the commodore himself. This message was no sooner communicated than the indig- nant chief (who had been waked for the purpose) began to curse the messenger for breaking his rest, and swore he would not budge till his usual time of turning out. This resolution being conveyed to the stranger, he desired the carrier to go back and tell him he had such joyful tidings to impart, that he was sure the com- modore would think himself amply rewarded for his trouble, even if he had been raised from the grave to receive them. This assurance, flattering as it was, would not have been powerful enough to persuade him, had it not been assisted with the exhortations of his spouse, which never failed to influence his conduct. He therefore crept out of bed, though not without great repugnance, and wrapping himself in his morning gown, was sup- ported downstairs, rubbing his eye, yawning fearfully, and grumbling all the way. As soon as he popped his head into the parlour, the supposed stranger made 102 THE ADVENTURES OF divers awkward bows, and with' a grinning aspect accosted him in these words : — ' Your most humble * servant, most noble commodore ! I hope you are in ' good health ; you look pure and hearty ; and, if it ' was not for that misfortune of your eye, one would ' not desire to see a more pleasant countenance in a ' summer's day. Sure as I am a living soul, one ' would take you to be on this side of threescore. ' Laud help us ! I should have known you to be a ' Trunnion, if I had met with you in the midst of ' Salisbury Plain, as the saying is.' The commodore, who was not at all in the humour of relisliing such an impertinent preamble, interrupted him in this place, saying, with a peevish accent, ' Pshaw ! pshaw ! brother, ' there's no occasion to bowse out so much unnecessary ' gum ; if you can't bring your discourse to bear on ' the right subject, you had much better clap a stopper ' on your tongue and bring yourself up, d'ye see. I ' was told you had something to deliver.' — ' Deliver!' cried the waggish impostor. ' Odds heart ! I have got ' something for you that will make your very entrails ' rejoice within your body. Here's a letter from a ' dear and worthy friend of yours. Take, read it, and ' be happy. Blessings on his old heart ! one would ' think he had renewed his age, like the eagles.' Trunnion's expectations being thus raised, he called for his spectacles, adjusted them to his eye, took the letter, and being curious to know the subscription, no sooner perceived his uncle's name than he started back, his lip quivered, and he began to shake in every limb with resentment and surprise ; nevertheless, eager to know the subject of an epistle from a person who had never before troubled him with any sort of address, he endeavoured to recollect himself, and perused the contents, which were these : — PEREGRINE PICKLE. 103 ' Loving Nephew, ' I doubt not but you will be rejoiced to hear of my welfare ; and well you may, considering what a kind uncle I have been to you in the days of your youth, and how little you deserved any such thing ; for you were always a graceless young man, given to wicked courses and bad company, whereby you would have come to a shameful end, had it not been for my care in sending you out of mischiefs way. But this is not the cause of my present writing. The bearer, Mr. Timothy Trickle, is a distant relation of yours, being the son of the cousin of your aunt Margery, and is not over and above well as to worldly matters. He thinks of going to London, to see for some post in the excise or customs, if so be that you will recommend him to some great man of your acquaintance, and give him a small matter to keep him till he is pro- vided. I doubt not, nephew, but you will be glad to serve him, if it was no more but for the respect you bear to me, who am, ' Loving nephew, ' Your affectionate uncle, ' And servant to command, ' ToBiAH Trunnion.' It would be a difficult task for the inimitable Hogarth himself to exhibit the ludicrous expression of the commodore's countenance while he read this letter. It was not a stare of astonishment, a convul- sion of rage, or a ghastly grin of revenge, but an association of all three, that took possession of his features. At length he hawked up, with incredible straining, the interjection, ' Ah ! ' that seemed to have stuck for some time in his windpipe, and thus gave 104 THE ADVENTURES OF vent to his indignation : ' Have I come alongside of you at last, you old, stinking curmudgeon ! you lie, you lousy hulk, ye lie ! You did all in your power to founder me when I was a stripling ; and as for being graceless, and wicked, and keeping bad company, you tell a d — lie again, you thief ; there was not a more peaceable lad in the county, and I kept no bad company but your own, d'ye see. Therefore, you Trickle, or what's your name, tell the old rascal that sent you hither, that I spit in his face, and call him horse ; that I tear his letter into rags, so ; and that I trample upon it as I would upon his own villanous carcass, d'ye see.' So saying, he danced in a sort of frenzy upon the fragments of the paper, which he had scattered about the room, to the inexpressible satis- faction of the triumvirate, who beheld the scene. The exciseman having got between him and the door, which was left open for his escape, in case of necessity, affected great confusion and surprise at his behaviour, s aying, with an air of mortific ation, ' Lord be merciful unto me ! Is this the way you treat your own relations, and the recommendation of your best friend ? Surely all gratitude and virtue have left this sinful world ! What will cousin Tim, and Dick, and Tom, and good mother Pipkin, and her daugh- ters cousin Sue, and Prue, and Peg, with all the rest of our kinsfolk, say, when they hear of this uncon- scionable reception that I have met with ? Consider, sir, that ingratitude is worse than the sin of witch- craft, as the apostle wisely observes, and do not send me away with such unchristian usage, which will lay a heavy load of guilt upon your poor, miserable soul.' — ' What, you are on a cruise for a post, brother Trickle, an't ye ? ' said Trunnion, interrupting him, we shall find a post for you in a trice, my boy. PEREGRINE PICKLE. 105 ' Here, Pipes, take this saucy son of a bitch, belay him ' to the whipping-post in the yard. I'll teach you to ' rouse me in the morning with such impertinent mes- ' sages.' Pipes, who wanted to carry the joke farther than the exciseman dreamt of, laid hold of him in a twinkling, and executed the orders of his commander, notwithstanding all his nods, winking, and significant gestures, which the boatswain's mate would by no means understand ; so that he began to repent of the part he had acted in this performance, which was like to end so tragically, and stood fastened to the stake, in a very disagreeable state of suspense, casting many a rueful look over his left shoulder (while Pipes was absent in quest of a cat-o'-nine-tails), in expectation of being relieved by the interposition of the lieutenant, who did not, however, appear. Tom, returning with the instrument of correction, undressed the delinquent in a trice, and whispering in his ear that he was sorry for being employed in such an office, but durst not for his soul disobey the orders of his commander, flourished the scourge about hjs head, and with admirable dex- terity, made such a smarting application to the offen- der's back and shoulders, that the distracted ganger performed sundry new cuts with his feet, and bellowed hideously with pain, to the infinite satisfaction of the spectators. At length, when he was almost flayed from his rump to the nape of his neck. Hatchway, who had purposely absented himself liitherto, appeared in the yard, and interposing in his behalf, prevailed upon Trunnion to call off the executioner, and ordered the malefactor to be released. The exciseman, mad with the catastrophe he had undergone, threatened to be revenged upon his em- ployers, by making a candid confession of the whole plot ; but the lieutenant giving him to understand that 106 THE ADVENTURES OF in so doing he would bring upon himself a prosecution for fraud, forgery, and imposture, he was fain to put up with his loss, and sneaked out of the garrison, attended with a volley of curses, discharged upon him by the commodore, ^ho was exceedingly irritated by the disturbance and disappointment he had undergone. CHAPTER XV. TJie commodore detects the macMnaiions of the con- spirators^ and hires a tutor for Peregrine^ tohom he settles at Winchester School. This was not the least affliction he suffered from the unwearied endeavours and inexhausted invention of his tormentors, who harassed him with such a variety of mischievous pranks, that he began to think all the devils in hell had conspired against his peace; and accordingly became very serious and contemplative on the subject. In the course of his meditations, when he recollected and compared the circumstances of every mortification to which he had been lately exposed, he could not help suspecting that some of them must have contrived to vex him ; and as he was not ignorant of his lieutenant's disposition, nor unacquainted with the talents of Peregrine, he resolved to observe them both for the future with the utmost care and circumspection. This resolution, aided by the incautious conduct of the conspirators, whom, by this time, success had rendered heedless and indiscreet, was attended with the desired effect. He in a little time detected Perry in a new plot, and by dint of a little chastisement, and a great PEREGRINE PICKLE. 107 many threats, extorted from him a confession of all the contrivances in which he had been concerned The commodore was thmiderstruck at the discovery, and so much incensed against Hatchway for the part lie had acted in the whole, that he deliberated with himself whether he should demand satisfaction with sword and pistol, or dismiss him from the garrison, and renounce all friendship with him at once. But he had been so long accustomed to Jack's company that he could not live without him ; and upon more cool ~ reflection, perceiving that what he had done was rather the effect of wantonness than malice, which he himself would have laughed to see take place upon any other person, he determined to devour his chagrin, and extend his forgiveness even to Pipes, whom in the first sally of his passion he had looked upon in a more criminal light than that of a simple mutineer. This determination was seconded by another, which he thought absolutely necessary for his own repose, and in which his own interest, and that of his nephew, concurred. Peregrine, who was now turned of twelve, had made such advances under the instruction of Jennings, that he often disputed about grammar, and was sometimes thought to have the better in his contests with the parish priest, who, notwithstanding this acknowledged superiority of his antagonist, did great justice to his genius, which he assured Mr. Trunnion would be lost for want of cultivation, if the boy was not immediately sent to prosecute his studies at some proper seminary of learning. This maxim had been more than once inculcated upon the commodore by Mrs. Trunnion, who, over and above the deference she paid to the parson's opinion, had a reason of her own for wishing to see 108 THE ADVENTURES OF the house clear of Peregrme, at whose piyhig dis- position she began to be very uneasy. Induced by these motives, which were joined by the solicitation of the youth himself, who ardently longed to see a little more of the world, his uncle determined to send him forthwith to Winchester, under the immediate care and inspection of a governor, to whom he allowed a very handsome appointment for that purpose. This gentleman, whose name was Mr. Jacob Jolter, had been schoolfellow with the parson of the parish, who recommended him to Mrs. Trunnion as a person of great worth and learning, in every respect qualified for the office of a tutor. He likewise added, by way of eulogium, that he was a man of exemplary piety, and particularly zealous for the honour of the church, of which he was a member, having been many years in holy orders, though he did not then exercise any function of the priesthood. Indeed, Mr. Jolter's zeal was so exceedingly fervent as, on some occasions, to get the better of his discretion ; for, being a high- churchman, and of consequence a malcontent, his resentment was habituated into an insurmountable prejudice against the present disposition of affairs, which, by confounding the nation with the ministry, sometimes led him into erroneous, not to say absurd, calculations, otherwise a man of good morals, well versed in mathematics and school-divinity, studies which had not at all contributed to sweeten and un- bend the natural sourness and severity of his com- plexion. This gentleman being destined to the charge of superintending Perry's education, everything was pre- pared for their departure ; and Tom Pipes, in conse- quence of his own petition, put into livery, and ap- pointed footman to the young squire. But, before they PEREGRINE PICKLE. 109 set out, the commodore paid the compliment of com- mmiicating his design to Mr. Pickle, who approved of the plan, though he durst not venture to see the boy ; so much was he intimidated by the remonstrances of his wife, whose aversion to her first-born became every day more inveterate and unaccountable. This unnatural caprice seemed to be supported by a con- sideration which (one would imagine) might have rather vanquished her disgust. Her second son Gam, who was now in the fourth year of his age, had been rickety from the cradle, and as remarkably un- promising in appearance as Perry was agreeable in his person. As the deformity increased, the mother's i fondness was augmented, and the virulence of her hate against the other son seemed to prevail in the same proportion. Far from allowing Perry to enjoy the common privileges of a child, she would not suffer him to approach his father's house, expressed uneasiness whenever his name happened to be mentioned, sick- ened at his praise, and in all respects behaved like a most rancorous step-mother. Though she no longer retained that ridiculous notion of his being an im- postor, she still continued to abhor him as if she really believed him to be such ; and when any person desired to know the cause of her surprising dislike, she always lost her temper, and peevishly replied that she had reasons of her own which she was not obliged to declare; nay, so much was she infected by this vicious partiality, that she broke off all com- merce with her sister-in-law and the commodore, because they favoured the poor child with their coun- tenance and protection. Her malice, however, was frustrated by the love and generosity of Trunnion, who having adopted him 110 THE ADVENTURES OF as his own son, equipped him accordingly, and carried him and his governor in his ot^ti coach to the place of destination, where they were settled on a very genteel footing, and everytliing regulated according to their desires. Mrs. Trunnion behaved with great decency at the departure of their nephew, to whom, with a great many pious advices and injunctions to behave with submission and reverence towards his tutor, she pre- sented a diamond ring of small value and a gold medal as tokens of her friendship and esteem. As for the lieutenant, he accompanied them in the coach ; and such was the friendship he had contracted for Perry, that when the commodore proposed to return after having accomplished the intent of his journey, Jack absolutely refused to attend him, and signified his resolution to stay where he was. Trunnion was the more startled at this declaration, as Hatchway was become so necessary to him in almost all the purposes of his life, that he foresaw he should not be able to exist without his company. Not a little affected with this consideration, he turned his eyes ruefully upon the lieutenant, saying, in a piteous tone of voice, ' What ! leave me at last. Jack, ' after we have weathered so many hard gales together ? ' D — my limbs ! I thought you had more of an honest ' heart. I looked upon you as my foremast, and Tom ' Pipes as my mizen ; now he is carried away, if so ' be as you go too, my standing rigging being decayed, ' d'ye see, the first squall will bring me by the board. ' D — ye, if in case I have given offence, can't you ' speak above-board ? and I shall make you amends.' Jack, being ashamed to own the true situation of his thoughts, after some hesitation, answered Avith per- plexity and incoherence, ' No, d — me ! that an't the PERFMRINE PICKLE. 1 1 I case, neither; to be sure, you always used me in an officer-like manner, that I must own, to give the devil his due, as the saying is ; but, for all that, this here is the case — I have some thoughts of going to school myself to learn your Latin lingo, for, as the saying is. Better late mend than never. And I am informed as how one can get more for the money here than anywhere else.' In vain did Trunnion endeavour to convince him of the folly of gomg to school at his years, by repre- senting that the boys would make game of him, and that he would become a laughing-stock to all the world; he persisted in his resolution to stay, and the commodore was fain to have recourse to the mediation of Pipes and Perry, who employed their influence with Jack, and at last prevailed upon him to return to the garrison, after Trunnion had promised he should be at liberty to visit them once a month. This stipu- lation being settled, he and his friend took leave of the pupil, governor, and attendant, and next morning set out for their habitation, which they reached in safety that same night. Such was Hatchway's reluctance to leave Peregrine, that he is said, for the first time in his life, to have looked misty at parting. Certain I am, that on the road homewards, after a long pause of silence, which the commodore never dreamt of interrupting, he ex- claimed, all on a sudden, ' I'll be d — if the dog ' ha'n't given me some stuff to make me love him.' Indeed, there was something congenial in the dispo- sition of these two friends which never failed to manifest itself in the sequel, howsoever different their education, circumstances, and connections happened to be. 112 THE ADVENTURES OF CHAPTER XVI. Peregrine distinguishes himself among his schoolfellows^ exposes his tutor^ and attracts the particular notice of the master. Thus left to the prosecution of his studies, Peregrine was in a little time a distinguished character, not only for his acuteness of apprehension, but also for that mischievous fertility of fancy of which we have already given such pregnant examples. But as there was a great number of such luminaries in this new sphere to which he belonged, his talents were not so con- spicuous, while they shone in his single capacity, as they afterwards appeared when they concentrated and reflected the rays of the whole constellation. At first he confined himself to piddling game, exer- cising his genius upon his own tutor, who attracted his attention by endeavouring to season his mind with certain political maxims, the fallacy of which he had discernment enough to perceive. Scarcely a day passed, in which he did not find means to render Mr. Jolter the object of ridicule; his violent preju- dices, ludicrous vanity, awkward solemnity, and ig- norance of mankind, afforded continual food for the raillery, petulance, and satire of his pupil, who never neglected an opportunity of laughing and making others laugh at his expense. Sometimes in their parties, by mixing brandy in his wine, he decoyed this pedagogue into a debauch, during which his caution forsook him, and he exposed himself to the censure of the company. Sometimes PEREGRINE PICKLE. 113 when the conversation turned upon intricate subjects, he practised upon him the Socratic method of con- futation, and under pretence of being informed, by an artful train of puzzling questions, insensibly be- trayed him into self-contradiction. All the remains of authority which he had hitherto preserved over Peregrine soon vanished ; so that for the future no sort of ceremony subsisted between them ; and all Mr. Jolter's precepts were conveyed in hints of friendly advice, which the other might either follow or neglect at his own pleasure. No wonder then that Peregrine gave a loose to his inclinations, and, by dint of genius and an enterprising temper, made a figure among the younger class of heroes in the school. Before he had been a full year at Winchester, he had signalized himself in so many achievements, in defiance of the laws and regulations of the place, that he was looked upon with admiration, and actually chosen Dux^ or leader, by a large body of his cotem- poraries. It was not long before his fame reached the ears of the master, who sent for Mr. Jolter, communi- cated to him the information he had received, and desired him to check the vivacity of his charge, and redouble his vigilance in time to come, else he should be obliged to make a public example of his pupil for the benefit of the school. The governor, conscious of his own unimportance, was not a little disconcerted at this injunction, which it was not in his power to fulfil by any compulsive means. He therefore went home in a very pensive mood, and after mature deliberation, resolved to ex- postulate with Peregrine in the most familiar terms, and endeavoured to dissuade him from practices which might affect his character as well as interest. He ac- VOL. III. 8 114 THE ADVENTURES OF cordingly frankly told him the subject of his master's discourse, represented the disgrace he might incur by neglecting this warning, and, putting him in mind of his own situation, hinted the consequences of the com- modore's displeasure, in case he should be brought to disapprove of his conduct. These insinuations made the greater impression as they were delivered with many expressions of friendship and concern. The young gentleman was not so raw, but that he could perceive the solidity of Mr. Jolter's advice, to which he promised to conform, because his pride was interested in the affair ; and he considered his own reformation as the only means of avoiding that infamy which even in idea he could not bear. ^ His governor, finding him so reasonable, profited by these moments of reflection ; and in order to pre- vent a relapse, proposed that he should engage in some delightful study that would agreeably amuse his imagination, and gradually detach him from those con- nections which had involved him in so many trouble- some adventures. For this purpose he, with many rapturous encomiums, recommended the mathematics, as yielding more rational and sensible pleasures to a youthful fancy than any other subject of contemplation ; and actually began to read Euclid with him that same afternoon. Peregrine entered upon this branch of learning with all that warmth of application which boys commonly yield on the first change of study ; but he had scarcely advanced beyond the Pons Asinorum^ when his ardour abated ; the test of truth by demonstration did not elevate him to those transports of joy with which his preceptor had regaled his expectation ; and before he arrived at the fortieth-and-seventh proposition, he began to yawn di*earily, make abundance of wry faces, PEREGRINE PICKLE. 115 and thought himself but indifferently paid for his atten- tion, when he shared the vast discovery of Pythagoras, and understood that the square of the hypothenuse was equal to the squares of the other two sides of a right- angled triangle. He was ashamed, however, to fail in his undertaking, and persevered, with great industry, until he had finished the first four books, acquired plain trigonometry, with the method of algebraical calcula- tion, and made himself well acquainted with the prin- ciples of surveying. But no consideration could prevail upon him to extend his inquiries farther in this science ; and he returned with double relish to his former avocations, like a stream which, being dammed, accumulates more force, and, bursting over its mounds, rushes down with double impetuosity. Mr. Jolter saw this with astonishment and chagrin, but could not resist the torrent. His behaviour was now no other than a series of licence and effrontery *, prank succeeded prank, and outrage followed outrage, with surprising velocity. Complaints were every day preferred against him ; in vain were admonitions be- stowed by the governor in private, and menaces dis- charged by the masters in public ; he disregarded the first, despised the latter, divested himself of all manner of restraint, and proceeded in his career to such a pitch of audacity, that a consultation was holden upon the subject, in which it was determined that this untoward spirit should be humbled by a severe and ignominious flogging for the very next offence he should commit. In the meantime Mr. Jolter was desired to write in the master's name to the commodore, requesting him to remove Tom Pipes from the person of his nephew, the said Pipes being a principal actor and abettor in all his malversations, and to put a stop to the monthly visita- tions of the mutilated lieutenant, who had never once 8—2 IIG THE ADVENTURES OF failed to use his permission, but came punctual to a day, always fraught with some new invention. Indeed, by this time Mr. Hatchway was as well known and much better beloved by every boy in the school than the master who instructed him, and always received by a number of scholars, who used to attend Peregrine when he went forth to meet his friend, and conduct him to his lodging with public testimonies of joy and applause. As for Tom Pipes, he was not so properly the atten- dant of Peregrine as master of the revels to the whole school. He mingled in all their parties, and super- intended the diversions, deciding between boy and boy, as if he acted by commission under the great seal. He regulated their motions by his whistle, instructed the young boys in the games of hustle-cap, leap-frog, and chuck-farthing ; imparted to those of a more advanced age the sciences of cribbage and all-fours, together Avith the method of storming the castle, acting the comedy of ' Prince Arthur,' and other pantomimes, as they are commonly exhibited at sea; and instructed the seniors, who were distinguislied by the appellation of bloods, in cudgel-playing, dancing the St. Giles's hornpipe, drinking flip, and smoking tobacco. These qualifications had rendered him so necessary and ac- ceptable to the scholars, that, exclusive of Perry's con- cern in the affair, his dismission in all probability would have produced some dangerous convulsion in the community. Jolter, therefore, knowing his im- portance, informed his pupil of the directions he had received, and very candidly asked how he should demean himself in the execution; for he durst not write to the commodore without this previous notice, fearing that the young gentleman, as soon as he should get an inkling of the affair, would follow the example, PEREGRINE PICKLE. 117 and make his uncle acquainted with certain anecdotes which it was the governor's interest to keep concealed. Peregrine was of opinion that he should spare hiraself the trouble of conveying any complaints to the com- modore ; and if questioned by the master, assure him he had complied with his desire ; at the same time he promised faithfully to conduct himself with such cir- cumspection for the future, that the masters should have no temptation to revive the inquiry. But the resolution attending this extorted promise was too frail to last, and in less than a fortnight our young hero found himself entangled in an adventure, from which he was not extricated with his usual good fortune. CHAPTER XVII. He is concerned in a dangerous adventure with a certain gardener ; sublimes his ideas^ commences gallant^ and becomes acquainted loith Miss Emily Gauntlet. He and some of his companions one day entered a garden in the suburbs, and having indulged their appetites, desired to know what satisfaction they must make for the fruit they had pulled. The gardener demanded what (in their opinion) was an exorbitant price, and they with many opprobrious terms refused to pay it. The peasant, being surly and untractable, insisted upon his right; neither was he deficient or sparing in the eloquence of vulgar abuse. His guests attempted to retreat; a scuffle ensued, in which Peregrine lost his cap, and the gardener being in danger, from the number of his foes, called to his wife 118 THE ADVENTURES OF to let loose tlic clog, wlio instantly flew to Ms master's assistance ; and after having* torn the leg of one and the shoulder of another, put the whole body of scholars pto flight. Enraged at the indignity which had been 1 oflered them, they solicited a reinforcement of their friends, and with Tom Pipes at their head, marched back to the field of battle. Their adversary seeing them approach, called his apprentice, who worked at the other end of the gromid, to his assistance, armed him with a mattock, while he himself wielded a hoe, bolted his door on the inside, and flanked with his man and mastiff, waited the attack without flinching. He had not remained three minutes in this posture of defence, when Pipes, who acted as the enemy's forlorn hope, advanced to the gate with great intrepidity, and clapping his foot to the door, which was none of the stoutest, with the execution and despatch of a petard, split it into a thousand pieces. This sudden execution had an immediate effect upon the apprentice, who retreated with great precipitation, and escaped at a postern. But the master placed himself like another Hercules in the breach ; and when Pipes, brandishing his cudgel, stepped forward to engage him, levelled his weapon with such force and dexterity at his head, that had the skull been made of penetrable stuff, the iron edge must have cleft his pate in twain. Oasemated as he was, the instrument cut sheer even to the bone, on which it struck with such amazing violence, that ^parks of real fire were produced by the colh'sion. Lud let not the incredulous reader pretend to doubt "the truth of this phenomenon, until he shall have first perused the ingenious Peter Kolben's ' Natural History ' of the Cape of Good Hope,' where the inhabitants commonly used to strike fire with the shin-bones of lions which have been killed in that part of Africa. PEREGRINE PICKLE. 119 Pipes, though a little disconcerted, far from being disabled by the blow, in a trice retorted the compli- ment with his truncheon, which, had not his antagonist expeditiously slipped his head aside, would have laid him breathless across his own threshold ; but happily for him, he received the salutation upon his right shoulder, which crashed beneath the stroke, and the hoe dropped instantly from his tingling hand. Tom perceiving, and being unwilling to forego the ad- vantage he had gained, darted his head into the bosom of this son of earth and overturned him on the plain, being himself that instant assaulted by the mastiff, who fastened upon the outside of his thigh. Feeling him- self incommoded by this assailant in his rear, he quitted the prostrate gardener to the resentment of his' associates, who poured upon him in shoals, and turning about, laid hold with both his hands of this ferocious animal's throat,^which he squeezed with such in- credible force and perseverance that the creature quitted his hold ; his tongue lolled out of his jaws, the blood started from his eyes, and he swung a lifeless trunk between the hands of his vanquisher. It was well for his master that he did not longer exist, for by this time he was overwhelmed by such a multitude of foes, that his whole body scarce afforded points of contact to all the fists that drummed upon it; consequently, to use a vulgar phrase, his wind was almost knocked out before Pipes had leisure to inter- pose in his behalf, and persuade his offenders to desist, by representing that the wife had gone to alarm the neighbourhood, and that in all probability they would be intercepted in their return. They accordingly listened to his remonstrances, and marched homewards in triumph, leaving the gardener in the embraces of his mother earth, from which he had not power to move 120 THE ADVENTURES OF when he was found by his disconsolate helpmate and some friends whom she had assembled for his assist- ance. Among these was a blacksmith and farrier, who took cognizance of his carcass, every limb of which having examined, he declared there was no bone broke, and taking out his fleam, blooded him plentifully as he lay. He was then conveyed to his bed, from which he was not able to stir during a whole month. His family coming upon the parish, a formal complaint was made to the master of the school, and Peregrine represented as the ringleader of those who committed this barbarous assault. An inquiry was immediately set on foot, and the articles of impeachment being fully ' diwv pi'*^"^®^7 ^^^^ hero was sentenced to be severely chas- \^>^ /^^ised in the face of the whole school. This was a yv^ \ disgrace the thoughts of which his proud heart could not brook. He resolved to make his elopement rather than undergo the punishment to which he was doomed ; and having signified his sentiments to his confederates, they promised one and all to stand by him, and either screen him from chastisement, or share his fate. Confiding in this friendly protestation, he appeared unconcerned on the day that was appointed for his punishment ; and when he was called to his destiny, advanced towards the scene, attended by the greatest part of the scholars, who intimated their determination to the master, and proposed that Peregrine should be forgiven. The superior behaved with that dignity of demeanour which became his place, represented the folly and presumption of their demand, reprehended them for their audacious proceeding, and ordered every boy to his respective station. They obeyed his com- mand, and our unfortunate hero was publicly horsed, in terroixm of all whom it might concern. This disgrace had a very sensible effect upon the PEREGRINE PICKLE. 121 mind of Peregrine, who, having by this time passed the fom'teenth year of his age, began to adopt the pride and sentiments of a man. Thus dishonourably ^^ stigmatized, he was ashamed to appear in public as usual ; he was incensed against his companions for their infidelity and irresolution, and plunged into a profound reverie that lasted several weeks, during which he shook off his boyish connexions, and fixed his view upon objects which he thought more worthy of his attention. In the course of his gymnastic exercises, at which he was very expert, he contracted intimacies with several youths who were greatly his superiors in point of age, and who, pleased with his aspiring gemus and*-^ address, introduced him into parties of gallantry which strongly captivated his inclination. He was by nature particularly adapted for succeeding in adventures of this kind; over and above a most engaging person that improved with his years, he possessed a dignified^ assurance, an agreeable ferocity which enhanced the conquest of the fair who had the good fortune to enslave him, unlimited generosity, and a fund o£i humour which never failed to please. Nor was he deficient in the more solid accomplishments of youth ; he had profited in his studies beyond expectation, and besides that sensibility of discernment which is the foundation of taste, and in consequence of which he distinguished and enjoyed the beauties of the classics, he had already given several specimens of a very promising poetic talent. With this complexion, and these qualifications, no wonder that our hero attracted the notice and aftec- tions of the young Delias in town, whose hearts had just begun to flutter for they knew not what. Inquiries were made concerning his condition ; and no sooner 122 THE ADVENTURES OF were his expectations known tlian lie was invited and caressed by all tlie parents, while their daughters vied with each other in treating him with particular com- placency. He inspired love and emulation wherever he appeared; envy and jealous rage followed of course; so that he became a very desirable, though a very dangerous acquaintance. His moderation was not equal to his success ; his vanity took the lead of his passions, dissipating his attention, which might other- wise have fixed him to one object ; and he was pos- sessed with the rage of increasing the number of his conquests. With this view he frequented public walks, concerts, and assemblies, became remarkably rich and fashionable in his clothes, gave entertainments to the ladies, and was in the utmost hazard of turning out a most egregious coxcomb. While his character thus wavered between the ridi- cule of some and the regard of others, an accident happened, which, by contracting his view to one object, detached him from those vain pursuits that would in time have plunged him into an abyss of folly and contempt. Being one evening at the ball which is always given to the ladies at the time of the races, the person who acted as master of the cere- monies, knowing how fond Mr. Pickle was of every opportunity to display himself, came up and told him that there was a fine young creature at the other end of the room who seemed to have a great inclination to dance a minuet, but wanted a partner, the gentleman who attended her being in boots. Peregrine's vanity being aroused at this intimation, he went up to reconnoitre the young lady, and was struck with admiration at her beauty. She seemed to be of his own age, was tall, and though slender, exquisitely shaped ; her hair was auburn, and in such PEREGBINE PICKLE. 123 plenty, that tlie barbarity of dress had not been able to prevent it from shading both sides of her forehead, which was high and polished ; the contour of her face was oval, her nose very little raised into the aquiline form, that contributed to the spirit and dignity of her aspect ; her mouth was small, her lips plump, juicy, and delicious *, her teeth regular, and white as driven snow ; her complexion incredibly delicate, and glowing with health ; and her full blue eyes beamed forth vivacity and love ; her mien was at the same time commanding and engaging, her address perfectly genteel, and her whole appearance so captivating, that our young Adonis looked and was overcome. He no sooner recollected himself from his astonish- ment, than he advanced to her with a graceful air of respect, and begged she would do him the honour to walk a minuet with him. She seemed particularly pleased with his application, and very frankly com- plied with his request. This pair was too remarkable to escape the particular notice of the company. Mr. Pickle was well known by almost everybody in the room, but his partner was altogether a new face, and of consequence underwent the criticism of all the ladies in the assembly ; one whispered, ' She has a ' good complexion, but don't you think she is a little ' awry?' a second pitied her for her masculine nose; a third observed that she was awkward for want of seeing company ; a fourth distinguished something very bold in her countenance ; and, in short, there was not a beauty in her whole composition which the glass of envy did not pervert into a blemish. The men, however, looked upon her with different eyes; among them her appearance produced a uni- versal murmur of applause; they encircled the space on which she danced, and were enchanted by her 24 THE ADVENTURES OE graceful motion. While tliej launched out in the praise of her, they expressed their displeasure at the good fortune of her partner, whom they d — for a little finical coxcomb that was too much engrossed by the contemplation of his own person to discern or deserve the favour of his fate. He did not hear, there- fore could not repine at, these invectives; but while they imagined he indulged his vanity, a much more generous passion had taken possession of his heart. Instead of that petulance of gaiety for which he had been distinguished in liis public appearance, he now gave manifest signs of confusion and concern ; he danced with an anxiety which impeded his perform- ance, and blushed to the eyes at every false step he made. Though this extraordinary agitation was over- looked by the men, it could not escape the observation of the ladies, who perceived it with equal surprise and resentment; and when Peregrine led this fair un- known to her seat, expressed their pique in an affected titter, which broke from every mouth at the same instant, as if all of them had been informed by the same spirit. Peregrine was nettled at this unmannerly mark of disapprobation, and in order to increase their chagrin, endeavoured to enter into particular conversation with their fair rival. The young lady herself, who neither wanted penetration nor the consciousness of her own accomplishments, resented their behaviour, though she triumphed at the cause of it, and gave her partner all the encouragement he could desire. Her mother, who was present, thanked him for his civility in taking such notice of a stranger ; and he received a com- pliment of the same nature from the young gentleman in boots, who was her own brother. If he was charmed with her appearance, he was PEREGRINE PICKLE. 125 quite ravished with her discourse, which was sensible, spirited, and gay. Her frank and sprightly demeanour excited his own confidence and good-humour ; and he described to her the characters of those females who had honoured them with such a spiteful mark of dis- tinction, in terms so replete with humorousc^atire^ that she seemed to listen with particular complacency of attention, and distinguished every nymph thus ridi- culed with such a significant glance, as overwhelmed ^ her with chagrin and mortification. In short, they seemed to relish each other's conversation, during which our young Damon acquitted himself with great skill in all the duties of gallantry; he laid hold of proper opportunities to express his admiration of her charms, had recourse to the silent rhetoric of tender looks, breathed divers insidious sighs, and attached himself wholly to her during the remaining part of the entertainment. When the company broke up, he attended her to her lodgings, and took leave of her with a squeeze of the hand, after having obtained permission to visit her next morning, and been informed by the mother that her name was Miss Emilia Gauntlet. All night long he closed not an ey^, but amused himself with plans of pleasure, which his imagination suggested, in consequence of this new acquaintance. He rose with the lark, adjusted his hair into an agree- able negligence of curl, and dressing himself in a genteel grey frock, trimmed with silver binding, waited with the utmost impatience for the hour of ten, which no sooner struck than he hied liim to the place of appointment, and inquiring for Miss Gauntlet, was shown into a parlour. Here he had not waited above ten minutes, when Emilia entered in a most enchant- ing undress, with all the graces of nature playing 126 THE ADVENTURES OF about her person, and in a moment riveted tlie cliains of his slavery beyond the power of accident to unbind. Her mother being still a-bed, and her brother gone to give orders about the chaise, in which they pro- posed to return that same day to their own habitation, he enjoyed her company tete-d-Ute a whole hour, during which he declared his love in the most passionate terms, and begged that he might be ad- mitted into the number of those admirers whom she permitted to visit and adore her. She affected to look upon his vows and protesta- tions as the ordinary effects of gallantry, and very obligingly assured him, that, were she to live in that place, she would be glad to see him often ; but as the spot on which she resided was at a considerable distance, she could not expect he would go so far, upon such a trifling occasion, as to take the trouble of providing himself with her mamma's permission. To this favourable hint he answered, with all the eagerness of the most fervid passion, that he had uttered nothing but the genuine dictates of his heart ; that he desired nothing so much as an opportunity of evincing the sincerity of his professions ; and that, though he lived at the extremity of the kingdom, he would find means to lay himself at her feet, provided he could visit her with her mother's consent, which he assured her he would not fail to solicit. She then gave him to understand that her habita- tion was about sixteen miles from Winchester, in a village wliich she named, and where (as he could easily collect from her discourse) he would be no unwelcome guest. In the midst of this communication they were joined by Mrs. Gauntlet, who received him with great courtesy, thanking him again for his politeness to PEREGRINE PICKLE. 127 Emy at the ball, and anticipated his intention, by saying that she should be very glad to see him at her house, if ever his occasions should call him that way. CHAPTEE XVIII. He inquires into the situation of this young lady loitJi lohom he is enamoured; elopes from school ; is found hy the lieutenant ; conveyed to Winchester ; and sends a letter' with a copy of verses to his mistress. He was transported with pleasure at this invitation, which he assured her he should not neglect ; and after a little more conversation on general topics, took his leave of the charming Emilia, and her prudent mamma, who had perceived the first emotions of Mr. Pickle's passion for her daughter, and been at some pains to inquire about his family and fortune. Neither was Peregrine less inquisitive about the situation and pedigTce of his new mistress, who, he learned, was the only daughter of a field-of&cer, who died before he had it in his power to make suitable provision for his children; that the widow lived in a frugal, though decent manner, on her pension, assisted by the bounty of her relations ; that the son carried arms as volunteer in the company which his father had commanded; and that Emilia had been educated in London, at the expense of a rich ancle, who was seized with the whim of marrying at the age of fifty-five; in consequence of which his niece had returned to her mother, without any visible depend- ence, except on her own conduct and qualifications. 128 THE ADVENTURES OF This account, though it could not diminish his affec- tion, nevertheless alarmed his pride ; for his warm imagination had exaggerated all his own prospects; and he began to fear that his passion for Emilia might be thought to derogate from the dignity of his situa- tion. The struggle between his interest and love produced a perplexity which had an evident effect upon his behaviour; he became pensive, solitary, and peevish, avoided all public diversions, and grew so remarkably negligent in his dress, that he was scarcely distinguishable by his own acquaintance. This con- tention of thoughts continued for several weeks, at the end of which the charms of Emilia triumphed over every other consideration. Having received a supply of money from the commodore, who acted towards him with great generosity, he ordered Pipes to put up some linen and other necessaries, in a sort of knapsack which he could conveniently carry, and thus attended, set out early one morning on foot for the village where his charmer lived, at which he arrived before two o'clock in the afternoon ; having chosen this method of travelling that his route might not be so easily dis- covered, as it must have been had he hired horses or taken a place in the stage-coach. The first thing he did was to secure a convenient lodging at the inn where he dined ; he then shifted himself, and according to the direction he had received, went to the house of Mrs. Gauntlet in a transport of joyous expectation. As he approached the gate, his agitation increased; he knocked witli impatience and concern ; the door opened, and he had actually asked if Mrs. Gauntlet was at home before he perceived that the portress was no other than his dear Emilia. She was not without emotion at the unexpected sight of her lover, who instantly recognising his charmer, obeyed PEREGRINE PICKLE. 129 the Irresistible impulse of liis love, and caught the fair creature in his arms. Nor did she seem offended at this forwardness of behaviour, which might have dis- pleased another of a less open disposition or less used to the freedom of a sensible education ; j^but her natural frankness had been encouraged and improved by the easy and familiar intercourse in which she had been bredjjand therefore, instead of reprimanding him with a severity of look, she with great good humour rallied him upon his assurance, which she observed was un- doubtedly the effect of his own conscious merit; and conducted him into a parlour, where he found her mother, who, in very polite terms, expressed her satis- faction at seeing him within her house. After tea, Miss Emy proposed an evening walk, which they enjoyed through a variety of little copses and lawns, w.atered_Jby a mos t rom antic stream, that quite_miclianted the imagiiiation of Peregrine. It was late before they returned from this agreeable excursion ; and when our lover wished the ladies good night, Mrs. Gauntlet insisted upon his staying to supper, and treated him with particular demonstra- tions of regard and affection. As her economy was not encumbered with an unnecessary number of do- mestics, her own presence was often required in different parts of the house, so that the young gentle- man was supplied with frequent qpportjmities of pro- moting his suit, by all the tender oaths and insinuations that his passion could suggest. He protested her ideu - had taken such entire possession of his heart, that finding himself unable to support her absence one day longer, he had quitted his studies and left his governor by stealth, that he might visit the object of his adora- tion, and be blessed in her company for a few days without interruption. VOL. III. 9 ? 130 THE ADVENTURES OF She listened to his addresses with such affability as denoted approbation and delight, and gently chid him as a thoughtless truant, but carefully avoided the con- fession of a mutual flame, because she discerned, in the midst of all his tenderness, a levity of pride which she durst not venture to trust with such a declaration. Perhaps she was confirmed in tliis caution by her mother, who very wisely, in her civilities to him, maintained a sort of ceremonious distance, which she thought not only requisite for the honour and interest of her family, but likewise for her own exculpation should she ever be taxed with having encouraged or abetted him in the imprudent sallies of his youth ; yet, notwithstanding this affected reserve, he was treated with such distinction by both, that he was ravished with his situation, and became more and more en- amoured every day. While he remained under the influence of this sweet intoxication, his absence produced great disturbance at Winchester. Mr. Jolter was grievously afflicted at his abrupt departure, which alarmed him the more as it happened after a long fit of melancholy which he had perceived in his pupil. He communicated his apprehensions to the master of the school, who advised him to apprise the commodore of his nephew's disap- pearance, and in the meantime inquire at all the inns in town whether he had hu-ed horses, or any sort of carriage, for his conveyance, or was met with on the road by any person who could give an account of the direction in which he travelled. This scrutiny, though performed with great diligence and minuteness, was altogether ineffectual ; they could obtain no intelligence of the runaway. Mr. Trunnion was well nigh distracted at the news of his flight ; he raved with great fury at the imprudence of Peregrine, PEREGEINE PICKLE. 131 whom, in his first transports, he d — as an ungrateful deserter; then he cursed Hatchway and Pipes, who, he swore, had foundered the lad by theii- pernicious counsels ; and lastly, transferred his execrations upon Jolter, because he had not kept a better look-out; finally, he made an apostrophe to that son of a bitch the gout, which, for the present, disabled him from searching for his nephew in person. That he might not, however, neglect any means in his power, he immediately despatched expresses to all the sea-port towns on that coast, that he might be prevented from leaving the kingdom ; and the lieutenant, at his own desire, was sent across the country in quest of this young fugitive. Four days had he unsuccessfully carried on his in- quiries with great accuracy, when, resolving to return by Winchester, where he hoped to meet with some hints of intelligence by which he might profit in his future search, he struck off the common road to take the benefit of a nearer cut, and finding himself be- nighted near a village, took up his lodgings at the first inn to which his horse directed him. Having bespoke something for supper and retired to his chamber, where he amused himself with a pipe, he heard a con- fused noise of rustic jollity, "which being all on a sudden interrupted, after a short pause his ear was saluted with the voice of Pipes, who, at the solicitation of the com- pany, began to entertain them with a song. Hatchway instantly recognised the well-known sound, in which, indeed, he could not possibly be de- ceived, as nothing in nature bore the least resemblance to it. He threw his pipe into the chimney, and snatch- ing up one of his pistols, ran immediately to the apart- ment whence the voice issued. He no sooner entered than, distinguishing his old shipmate in a crowd of 9—2 132 THE ADVENTURES OF country peasants, he, in a moment, sprang upon him, and clapping his pistol to his breast, exclaimed, ^ D — you. Pipes; you are a dead man if you don't ' immediately produce young master.' This menacing application had a, much greater effect upon the company than upon Tom, who looking at the lieutenant with great tranquillity, replied, ' Why so I 'can, Master Hatchway.' 'What! safe and sound?' cried the other. 'As a roach,' answered Pipes, so much to the satisfaction of his friend Jack, that he shook him by the hand, and desired him to proceed with his song. This being performed, and the reckoning discharged, the two friends adjourned to the other room, where the lieutenant was informed of the manner in which the young gentleman had made his elopement from college, as well as of the other particulars of his present situa- tion, as far as they had fallen within the sphere of his comprehension. While they sat thus conferring together. Peregrine having taken leave of his mistress for the night, came home, and was not a little surprised when Hatchway, entering his chamber in his sea-attitude, thrust out his hand by way of salutation. His old pupil received him as usual, with great cordiality, and expressed his astonishment at meeting him in that place ; but when he understood the cause and intention of his arrival, he started with concern ; and, his visage glowing with indignation, told him he was old enough to be judge of his own conduct, and when he should see it convenient, would return of himself; but those who thought he was to be compelled to his duty, would find themselves egregiously deceived. The lieutenant assured him that, for his own part, he had no intention to offer him the least violence ; but at the same time, he represented to him the danger PEREGRINE PICKLE. 133 of incensing the commodore, who was already almost distracted on account of his absence; and, in short, conveyed his arguments, which were equally obvious and valid, in such expressions of friendship and respect, that Peregrine yielded to his remonstrances, and promised to accompany him next day to Win- chester. Hatchway, overjoyed at the success of his negotia- tion, went immediately to the hostler, and bespoke a post-chaise for Mr. Pickle and his man, with whom he afterwards indulged himself in a double can of rumbo, and when the night was pretty far advanced, left the lover to his repose, or rather to the thorns of his own meditation; for he slept not one moment, being in-"* cessantly tortured with the prospect of parting from his divine Emilia, who had now acquired the most abso- lute empire over his soul. One minute he proposed to depart early in the morning without seeing this en- chantress, in whose bewitching presence he durst not trust his own resolution. Then the thoughts of leaving her in such an abrupt and disrespectful manner inter- posed in favour of his love and honour. This war of sentiments kept him all night upon the rack, and it was time to rise before he had determined to visit his charmer, and candidly impart the motives that induced him to leave her. He accordingly repaired to her mother's house with a heavy heart, being attended to the gate by Hatch- way, who did not choose to leave him alone; and being admitted, found Emilia just risen, and, in his opinion, more beautiful than ever. Alarmed at his early visit, and the gloom that over- spread his countenance, she stood in silent expectation of hearing some melancholy tidings ; and it was not till after a considerable pause that he collected resolution 134 THE ADVENTURES OF enough to tell her he was come to take his leave. Though she strove to conceal her sorrow, nature was not to be suppressed; every feature of her coun- tenance saddened in a moment, and it was not without the utmost difficulty that she kept her lovely eyes from overflowing. He saw the situation of her thoughts, and in order to alleviate her concern, assured her he should find means to see her again in a very few weeks; meanwhile, he communicated his reasons for departing, in which she readily acquiesced; and having mutually consoled each other, their transports of grief subsided, and before Mrs. Gauntlet came down- stairs, they were in a condition to behave with great decency and resignation. This good lady expressed her concern when she learned his resolution, saying she hoped his occasions and inclinations would permit him to favour them with his agreeable company another time. The lieutenant, who began to be uneasy at Pere- grine's stay, knocked at the door, and being introduced by his friend, had the honour of breakfasting with the ladies; on w^hich occasion his heart received such a rude shock from the charms of Emilia, that he after- wards made a merit with his friend of having con- strained himself so far as to forbear commencing his professed rival. At length they bade adieu to their kind entertainers, and in less than an hour, setting out from the inn, arrived about two o'clock in Winchester, where Mr. Jolter was overwhelmed with joy at their appearance. The nature of this adventure being unknown to all except those who could be depended upon, everybody who inquired about the cause of Peregrine's absence was told that he had been with a relation in the country, and the master condescended to overlook his PEREGRINE PICKLE. 135 indiscretion; so that Hatchway, seeing everything settled to the satisfaction of his friend, returned to the garrison, and gave the commodore an account of his expedition. The old gentleman was very much startled when he heard there was a lady in the case; and very em- phatically observed, that a man had better be sucked into the Gulf of Florida than once get into the in- draught of a woman; because in one case he may, with good pilotage, bring out his vessel safe between the Bahamas and the Indian shore ; but in the other there is no outlet at all, and it is in vain to strive against the current; so that of course he must be embayed, and run chuck upon a lee shore. He resolved, therefore, to lay the state of the case before Mr. Gamaliel Pickle, and concert such measures with him as should be thought likeliest to detach his son from the pursuit of an idle amour, which could not fail of interfering in a dangerous manner with the plan of his education. In the meantime. Perry's ideas were totally en- grossed by his amiable mistress, who, whether he slept or waked, was still present in his imagination, which produced the following stanzas in her praise : — Adieu, ye streams tliat smoothly flow, Ye vernal airs that softly blow, Ye plains by blooming spring aiTay'd, Ye birds that warble thro' the shade. Unhurt from you my soul could fly. Nor drop one tear, nor heave one sigh ; But, forc'd from Celia's charms to part, All joy deserts my drooping heart. 136 THE ADVENTURES OF III. 1 fairer than the rosy morn, When flowers the dewy fields adorn ; Unsullied as the genial ray, That warms the balmy breeze of May. rv. Thy charms divinely bright appear, And add new splendour to the year ; Improve the day with fresh delight, And gild with joy the dreary night ! This juvenile production was enclosed in a very tender billet to Emilia, and committed to the charge of Pipes, who was ordered to set out for Mrs. Gauntlet's habitation, with a present of venison, and a compli- ment to the ladies ; and directed to take some oppor- tunity of delivering the letter to miss without the knowledge of her mamma. CHAPTER XIX. His messenger meets with a misfortune^ to lohich he applies a very extraordinary expedient thai is attended with strange consequences. As a stage-coach passed within two miles of the village where she lived, Tom bargained with the driver for a seat on the box, and, accordingly, departed on this message, though he was but indifferently qualified for commissions of such a nature. Having received par- ticular injunctions about the letter, he resolved to PEREGRINE PICKLE. 137 make that the chief object of his care, and very sagaciously conveyed it between his stockings and the sole of his foot, where he thought it would be perfectly secure from all injury and accident. Here it remained until he arrived at the inn where he had formerly lodged, when, after having refreshed himself with a draught of beer, he pulled off his stocking, and found the poor billet sullied with dust, and torn in a thousand tatters by the motion of his foot in walking the last two miles of his journey. Thunderstruck at this phenomenon, he uttered a long and loud whew ! which was succeeded by an exclamation of ' d — my ' old shoes ! A bite, by G — ! ' Then he rested his elbows on the table, and his forehead upon his two fists, and in that attitude, deliberated with himself upon the means of remedying this misfortune. As he was not distracted by a vast number of ideas, he soon concluded that his best expedient would be to \^ employ the clerk of the parish, who he knew was a ■^'^ great scholar, to write another epistle according to the ^ directions he should give him ; and never dreaming that the mangled original would in the least facilitate this scheme, he very wisely committed it to the flames, that it might never rise up in judgment against him. Having taken this wise step, he went in quest of the scribe, to whom he communicated his business, and promised a full pot by way of gratification. The clerk, • who was also schoolmaster, proud of an opportunity to distinguish his talents, readily undertook the task ; and repairing with his employer to the inn, in less than a quarter of an hour produced a morsel of eloquence so much to the satisfaction of Pipes, that he squeezed his hand by way of acknowledgment, and doubled his allowance of beer. This being discussed, our courier betook himself to the house of Mrs. Gauntlet, 138 THE ADVENTURES OF . K\o^^ with the haunch of venison and this succedaneous letter, and delivered his message to the mother, who received it with great respect, and many kind inquiries about the health and welfare of his master, attempting to tip the messenger a crown, which he absolutely refused to accept, in consequence of Mr. Pickle's re- peated caution. While the old gentlewoman turned to a servant in order to give directions about the disposal of the present. Pipes looked upon this as a favourable occasion to transact his business with Emilia, and therefore, shutting one eye, with a jerk of his thumb towards his left shoulder, and a most significant twist of his countenance, he beckoned the young lady into another room, as if he had been fraught with some- thing of consequence, which he wanted to impart. She understood the hint, howsoever strangely communi- cated, and by stepping to one side of the room, gave him an opportunity of slipping the epistle into her hand, which he gently squeezed at_the__same time in token of regard ; then throwing a side-glance at the mother, whose back was turned, clapped his finger on the side of his nose, thereby recommending secrecy and discretion. Emilia, conveying the letter into her bosom, could not help smiling at Tom's politeness and dexterity ; but lest her mamma should detect him in the execution of his pantomime, she broke off this intercourse of signs, by asking aloud when he proposed to set out on his return to Winchester ; when he answered, ' To- ' morrow morning.' Mrs. Gauntlet recommended him to the hospitality of her own footman, desiring him to make much of Mr. Pipes below, where he was kept to supper, and very cordially entertained. Our young heroine, impatient to read her lover's billet, which made her heart throb with rapturous expectation, re- PEREGRINE PICKLE. 139 tired to her chamber as soon as possible, with a view of perusing the contents, which were these : ' Divine empress of my soul ! ' If the refulgent flames of your beauty had not evaporated the particles of my transported brain, and scorched my intellects into a cinder of stolidity, per- haps the resplendency of my passion might shine illustrious through the sable curtain of my ink, and in sublimity transcend the galaxy itself, though wasted on the pinions of a gi'ey-goose quill ! But, ah ! celestial enchantress ! the necromancy of thy tyran- nical charms had fettered my faculties with ada- mantine chains, which, unless thy compassion shall melt, I must eternally remain in the Tartarean gulph of dismal despair. Vouchsafe, therefore, O thou brightest luminary of this terrestrial sphere ! to warm as well as shine; and let the genial rays of thy benevolence melt the icy emanations of thy disdain, which hath frozen up the spirit of angelic pre-emin- ence; thy most egregious admirer and superlative slave, ' Peregrine Pickle.' Never was astonishment more perplexing than that of Emilia when she read this curious composition, which she repeated verbatim three times before she would credit the evidence of her own senses. She began to fear in good earnest that love had produced a disorder in her lover's understanding; but after a thousand conjectures, by which she attempted to ac- count for this extraordinary fustian of style, she con- cluded that it was the effect of mere levity, calculated to ridicule the passion she had formerly professed. Irritated IBy this supposition, she resolved to balk his triumph with affected indifference, and in the mean- 140 THE ADVENTURES OE time endeavour to expel him from that place which he possessed within her heart. And, indeed, such a victory over her inclinations might have been obtained f^without great difficulty, f or she enjoyed an easiness I of temper that could^accqmmodate itself to the emer- gencies of h er f ate; and her vivacity, by amusing her imagination, preserved her from the keener sen- sations of sorrow. Thus determined and disposed, she did not send any sort of answer or the least token of remembrance by Pipes, who was suffered to depart with a general compliment from the mother, and arrived at Wmchester the next day. Peregrine's eyes sparkled when he saw his mes- senger come in, and he stretched out his hand in full confidence of receiving some particular mark of his Emilia's affection ; but how was he confounded when he found his hope so cruelly disappointed ! In an instant his countenance fell. He stood for some time silent and abashed, then thrice repeated the interro- gation of ' What ! not one word from Emilia ! ' And, dubious of his courier's discretion, inquired minutely into all the particulars of his reception. He asked if he had seen the young lady, if she was in good health, if he had found an opportunity of delivering his letter, and how she looked when he put it into her hands ? Pipes answered, that he had never seen her in better health or higher spirits ; that he had managed matters so as not only to present the billet unperceived, but also to ask her commands in private before he took his leave, when she told him that the letter required no reply. This last circumstance he considered as a manifest mark of disrespect, and gnawed his lips with resentment. Upon further reflection, however, he sup- posed that she could not conveniently write by the messenger, and would undoubtedly favour him by the PEREGRINE PICKLE. 141 post. This consideration consoled him for the present, and he waited impatiently for the fruits of his hope ; but after he had seen eight days elapse without reaping the satisfaction with which he had flattered himself, his temper forsook him, he_j;a^v;ed_a^ainst the whole s ex, an d wj^s^^eiz ed with^ a fit of. sullen chagrin ; but" his pride in a little time came to his assistance, and rescued him from the horrors of the melancholy fiend. He resolved to retort her own neglect upon his un- grateful mistress, his countenance gradually resumed its former serenity; and though by this time he was pretty well cured of his foppery, he aj^peared again at public diversions with an air of gaiety and unconcern, that Emilia might have a chance of hearing how much in all likelihood he disregarded her disdain. There are never wanting certain officious persons who take pleasure in prom^iting intelligence of this sort. His behaviour soon reached the ears of Miss Gauntlet, and confirmed her in the opinion she had conceived from his letter; so that she fortified herself in her former sentiments, and bore his indifference with great philosophy. JThus a correspondence which had commenced with all the tenderness and sincerity of love, and every promise of duration, was interrupted in its infancy by a misunderstanding o^jCjasiongd^by the simplicity of Pipes, who never once reflected upon the consequences of his deceit.] Though their mutual passion was by these means suppressed for the present, it was not altogether ex- tinguished, but glowed in secret, even though to them- selves unknown, until an occasion which afterwards offered blew up the latent flame, and Love resumed - his empire in their breasts. While they moved, as it were, without the sphere ^Z of each other's attraction, the commodore fearing that / 142 THE ADVENTURES OF Perry was in danger of involving himself in some per- nicious engagement, resolved, by advice of Mr. Jolter, and his friend the parish priest, to recall him from the place where he had contracted such imprudent con- nections, and send him to the university, where his education might be completed, and his fancy weaned from all puerile amusements. This plan had been proposed to his own father, who, as hath been already observed, stood always neuter in everything that concerned his eldest son; and as for Mrs. Pickle, she had never heard his name men- tioned since his departure with any degree of temper or tranquillity, except when her husband informed her that he was in a fair way of being ruined by his indiscreet amour. It was then she began to applaud her own foresight, which had discerned the mark of reprobation in that vicious boy, and launched out in comparison between him and Gammy, who, she ob- served, was a child of uncommon parts and solidity, and, with the blessing of God, would be a comfort to his parents, and an ornament to the family. Should I af&rm that this favourite, whom she com- mended so much, was in every respect the reverse of what she described; that he was a boy of mean capacity, and though remarkably distorted in his body, much more crooked in his disposition, and that she had persuaded her husband to espouse her opinion, though it was contrary to common sense as well as to his own perception, I am afraid the reader will think I represent a monster that never existed in nature, and be apt to condemn the economy of my invention ; nevertheless there is nothing more true than every circumstance of what I have advanced, and I wish the picture, singular as it is, may not be thought to resemble more than one original. PEREGRINE PICKLE. 143 CHAPTER XX. Peregrine is summ.oned to atte7id his uncle^ is more and more hated hy his own mother ; appeals to his father^ whose condescension is defeated hy the dominion of his wife. But, waving these reflections, let us return to Pere- grine, who received a summons to attend his uncle, and in a few days arrived with Mr. Jolter and Pipes at the garrison, which he filled with joy and satisfac- tion. The alteration which during his absence had happened in his person was very favourable in his appearance, which, from that of a comely boy, was converted into that of a most engaging youth. He was already taller than a middle-sized man, his shape ascertained, his sinews well knit, his mien greatly improved, and his whole figure as elegant and graceful as if it had been cast in the same mould with the Apollo of Belvidere. Such an outside could not fail of prepossessing people in his favour. The commodore, notwithstand- ing the advantageous reports he had heard, found his expectation exceeded in the person of Peregrine, and signified his approbation in the most sanguine terms. Mrs. Trunnion was struck with his genteel address, and received him with uncommon marks of com- placency and affection. He was caressed by all the people in the neighbourhood, who, while they admired his accomplishments, could not help pitying his in- fatuated mother for being deprived of that unutterable delight which any other parent would have enjoyed in the contemplation of such an amiable son. Divers efforts were made by some well-disposed 144 THE ADVENTURES OF people to conquer, if possible, this monstrous preju- dice ; but their endeavours, instead of curing, served only to inflame the distemper, and she never could be prevailed upon to indulge him with the least mark of maternal regard. On the contrary, her original disgust degenerated into such inveteracy of hatred, that she left no stone unturned to alienate the commodore's affection for this her innocent child, and even prac- tised the most malicious defamation to accomplish her purpose. Every day did she abuse her husband's ear with some forged instance of Peregrine's ingrati- tude to his uncle, well knowing that it would reach the commodore's knowledge at night. Accordingly, Mr. Pickle used to tell him at the club, that his hopeful favourite had ridiculed him in such a company, and aspersed his spouse upon another occasion, and thus retail the little scandalous issue of his own wife's invention. Luckily for Peregrine, the commodore paid no great regard to the authority of his informer, because he knew from what channel his intelligence flowed ; besides, the youth had a stanch friend in Mr. Hatchway, who never failed to vindicate him when he was thus unjustly accused, and always found argument enough to confute the assertions of his enemies. But though Trunnion had been dubious of the young gentleman's principles, and deaf to the remon- strances of the lieutenant. Perry was provided with a bulwark strong enough to defend him from all such assaults. This was no other than his aunt, whose regard for him was perceived to increase in the same proportion as his mother's diminished ; and, indeed, the augmentation of the one was in all probability owing to the decrease of the other, for the two ladies, with great civility, performed all the duties- of good neighbourhood, andjiated each other most piously in their hearts. PEREGBINE PICKLE. 145 Mrs. PicMe having been disobliged at the splendour of her sister's new equipage, had ever since that time, in the course of her visiting, endeavoured to make people merry with satirical jokes on the poor lady's infirmities; and Mrs. Trunnion seized the very fii'st opportunity of making reprisals, by inveighing against her unnatural behaviour to her own child; so that Peregrine, as on the one hand he was abhorred, so, on the other, was he caressed in consequence of this contention ; and I firmly believe that the most] efi"ectual method of destroyin^_his ^ interest at the garrison would havaJbeea .the show of countenancing him at his father's house ; but whether this conjecture be reasonable or chimerical, certain it is the experi- ment was never tried, and therefore Mr. Peregrine ran no risk of being disgraced. The commodore, who assumed, and justly too, the whole merit of his education, was now as proud of the youth's improve- ments as if he had actually been his own offspring; and sometimes his affection rose to such a pitch of enthusiasm, that he verily believed him to be the issue of his own loins. Notwithstanding this favourable predicament in which our hero stood with his aunt and her husband, he could not help feeling the injury he suffered from the caprice of his mother ; andjhough the gaiety of his disposition hindered him from afBict- ing himself with reflections of any gloomy cast, he did not fail to foresee, that if any sudden accident should deprive him of the commodore, he would, in all likelihood, find himself in a very disagreeable situation. Prompted by this consideration, he one evening accompanied his uncle to the club, and was introduced to his father, before that worthy gentleman had the least inkling of his arrival. Mr. Gamaliel was never so disconcerted as at this VOL. III. 10 146 THE ADVENTURES OF rencounter. His own disposition would not suffer him to do anything that might create the least disturbance, or interrupt his evening's enjoyment; so strongly was he impressed with the terror of his wife, that he durst not yield to the tranquillity of his temper; and, as I have already observed, his inclination was perfectly neutral. Thus distracted between different motives, when Perry was presented to him, he sat silent and absorbed, as if he did not, or would not, perceive the application; and when he was urged to declare him- self by the youth, who pathetically begged to know how he had incurred his displeasure, he answered, in a peevish strain, ' Why, good now, child, what would ' you have me to do? Your mother can't abide you.' — ' If my mother is so unkind, I will not call it un- ' natural,' said Peregrine, the tears of indignation starting from his eyes, ' as to banish me from her ' presence and affection, without the least cause as- ' signed, I hope you will not be so unjust as to espouse 'her barbarous prejudice.' Before Mr. Pickle had time to reply to this expostulation, for which he was not at all prepared, the commodore interposed, and enforced his favourite's remonstrance, by telling Mr. Gamaliel that he was ashamed to see any man drive in such a miserable manner under his wife's petticoat. ' As for my own part,' said he, raising his voice, and assuming a look of importance and command, ' before ' I would suffer myself to be steered all weathers by ' any woman in Christendom, d'ye see, I'd raise such ' a hurricane about her ears, that ' — Here he was interrupted by Mr. Hatchway, who, thrusting his head towards the door, in the attitude of one that listens, cried, ' Ahey ! there's your spouse come to pay us a ' visit.' Trunnion's features that instant adopted a new disposition. Fear and confusion took possession PEREGRINE PICKLE. 147 of his countenance ; his voice, from a tone of vocifera- tion, sunk into a whisper of ' Sure you must mistake, ' Jack ; ' and in great perplexity he wiped off the sweat which had started on his forehead at this false alarm. The lieutenant having thus punished him for the rodomontade he had uttered, told him, with an arch sneer, that he was deceived with the sound of the outer door creaking upon its hinges, which he mistook for Mrs. Trunnion's voice, and desu'ed him to proceed with his admonitions to Mr. Pickle. It is not to be denied, that this arrogance was a little unseasonable in the commodore, who was, in all respects, as effectu- ally subdued to the dominion of his wife as the person whose submission he then ventured to condemn, with this difference of disposition : Trunnion's subjection was like that of a bear, chequered with fits of surliness and rage; whereas Pickle bore the yoke like an ox, without repining. No wonder, then, that this indo- lence, this sluggishness, this stagnation of temper, rendered Gamaliel incapable of withstanding the argu- ments and importunity j)f his friends, to which he at length surrendered. Ule_acqui£sced__irL. the justice of their observations, and taking his son by the hand, promised to favour him for the future with his love and fatherly protectionTl But this laudable resolution did not last. Mrs. Pickle, still dubious of his constancy, and jealous of his communication with the commodore, never failed to interrogate him every night about the conversation that happened at the club, and to regulate her exhorta- tions according to the intelligence she received. He was no sooner, therefore, safely conveyed to bed (that academy in which all notable wives communicate their lectures), when her catechism began ; and she, in a mo- ment, perceived something reluctant and equivocal in 10—2 148 THE ADVENTURES OF her husband's answers. Aroused at this discovery, she employed her influence and skill with such success, that he disclosed every circumstance of what had happened ; and after having sustained a most severe rebuke for his simplicity and indiscretion, humbled himself so far as to promise that he would, next day, annul the condescensions he had made, and for ever renounce the ungracious object of her disgust. This undertaking was punctually performed in a letter to the commodore, which she herself dictated in these words : — ' Sir, ' Whereas, my good-nature being last night imposed ' upon, I was persuaded to countenance and promise ' I know not what to that vicious youth, whose parent ' I have the misfortune to be, I desire you will take ' notice, that I revoke all such countenance and ' promises, and shall never look upon that man as ' my friend who will henceforth in such a cause ' solicit, ' Sir, yours, &c., ' Gam. Pickle,' PEREGRINE PICKLE. 149 CHAPTER XXI. Trunnion is enraged at the conduct of Pickle. Peregrine resents the injustice of his mother., to whom he explains his sentiments in a letter. Is entered at the University of Oxford., lohere he signalizes himself as a youth of an enterjprising genius. Unspeakable were tlie transports of rage to which Trunnion was incensed by this absurd renunciation: he tore the letter with his gums (teeth he had none), spit with furious grimaces, in token of the contempt he entertained for the author, whom he not only d as a lousy, scabby, nasty, scurvy, skulking, lubberly noodle, but resolved to challenge to single combat with fire and sword ; but he was dissuaded from this violent measure, and appeased by the intervention and advice of the lieutenant and Mr. Jolter, who repre- sented the message as the effect of the poor man's infirmity, for which he was rather an object of pity than of resentment; and turned the stream of his indignation against the wife, whom he reviled accord- ingly. Nor did Peregrine himself bear with patience this injurious declaration, the nature of which he no sooner understood from Hatchway, than, equally shocked and exasperated, he retned to his apart- ment, and in the first emotions of his ire, produced the following epistle, which was immediately con- veyed to his mother: — ' Madam, ' Had nature formed me a bugbear to the sight, and ' inspired me with a soul as vicious as my body was 150 THE ADVENTURES OF detestable, perhaps I might have enjoyed particular marks of yom- affection and applause, seeing you have persecuted me with such unnatural aversion, for no other visible reason than that of my differing so widely in shape as well as disposition from that deformed urchin who is the object of your tenderness and care. If these be the terms on which alone I can obtain your favour, I pray God you may never cease to hate, ' Madam, ' Your much-injured son, ' Peregrine Pickle.' This letter, which nothing but his passion and inex- perience could excuse, had such an effect upon his mother as may be easily conceived. She was enraged to a degree of frenzy against the writer: though at the same time she considered the whole as the pro- duction of Mrs. Trunnion's particular pique, and repre- sented it to her husband as an insult that he was bound in honour to resent, by breaking off all corre- spondence with the commodore and his family. This was a bitter pill to Gamaliel, who, through a long course of years, was so habituated to Trunnion's company, that he could as easily have parted with a limb as have relinquished the club all at once. He therefore ventured to represent his own incapacity to follow her advice, and begged that he might at least be allowed to drop the connexion gradually; pro- testing that he would do his endeavour to give her all manner of satisfaction. Meanwhile, preparations were made for Peregrine's departure to the university ; and in a few weeks he set out, in the seventeenth year of his age, accompanied by the same attendants who lived with him at Winchester. PEREGRINE PICKLE. 151 His uncle laid strong injunctions upon him to avoid the company of immodest women, to mind his learning, to let him hear of his welfare as often as he could spare time to write, and settled his appointments at the rate of five hundred a year, including his governor's salary, which was one-fifth part of the sum. The heart of our young gentleman dilated at the prospect of the figure he should make with such a handsome annuity, the management of which was left to his own discretion : (and he amused his imagination with the most agree- able reveries during his journey to Oxford,^hich he ^ performed in two days. Here being introduced to the head of the college, to whom he had been recom- mended, accommodated with genteel apartments, en- tered as gentleman-commoner in the books, and pro- vided with a judicious tutor, instead of returning to the study of Greek and Latin, in which he thought himself already sufiiciently instructed, he renewed his acquaintance with some of his old schoolfellows, whom he found in the same situation, and was by them initiated in all the fashionable diversions of the place. It was not long before he made himself remarkable for his spirit and humour, which were so acceptable to the bucks of the university, that he was admitted as a member of their corporation, and in a very little time became the most conspicuous personage of the whole fraternity ; not that he valued himself upon his ability in smoking the greatest number of pipes and drinking the largest quantity of ale; these were qualifications of too gross a nature to captivate his refined^ ambition. He piqued himself on his talent for raillery, his genius and taste, his personal accomplishments, and his suc- cess at intrigue : nor were his excursions confined to the small villages in the neighbourhood, which are commonly visited once a week by the students, for the 152 THE ADVENTURES OF sake of carnal recreation. He kept his own horses, traversed the whole country in parties of pleasure, attended all the races within fifty miles of Oxford, and made frequent jaunts to London, where he used to lie incognito during the best part of many a term. The rules of the university were too severe to be observed by a youth of his vivacity, and therefore he became acquainted with the proctor by times. But all the checks he received were insufficient to moderate his career; he frequented taverns and coffee-houses, committed midnight frolics in the streets, insulted all the sober and pacific class of his fellow-students ; the tutors themselves were not sacred from his ridicule; he laughed at the magistrate, and neglected every particular of college discipline. In vain did they attempt to restrain his irregularities by the imposition of fines ; he was liberal to profusion, and therefore paid without reluctance. Thrice did he scale the windows of a tradesman, with whose daughter he had an affair of gallantry, as often was he obliged to seek his safety by a precipitate leap, and one night would, in all probability, have fallen a sacrifice to an ambuscade that was laid by the father, had not his trusty squire. Pipes, interposed in his behalf, and man- fully rescued him from the clubs of his enemies. In the midst of these excesses, Mr. Jolter finding his admonitions neglected, and his influence utterly de- stroyed, attempted to wean his pupil from his extra- vagant courses by engaging his attention to some more laudable pursuit. With this view, he introduced him into a club of politicians, who received him with great demonstrations of regard, accommodated themselves more than he could have expected to his jovial dis- position, and while they revolved schemes for the reformation of the state, drank with such devotion to PEREGRINE PICKLE. 153 tlie accomplishment of their plans, that before parting the cares of their patriotism were quite overwhelmed. ^ Peregrine, though he could not approve of their doctrine, resolved to attach himself for some time to their company, because he perceived ample subject for his ridicule in the characters of these wrong-headed enthusiasts. It was a constant practice with them, in their midnight consistories, to swallow such plentiful draughts of inspiration, that their mysteries commonly ended like those of the Bacchanalian Orgia ; and they were seldom capable of maintaining that solemnity of decorum which, by the nature of their functions, most of them were obliged to profess. Now, as Peregrine'sl| satirical .dis position was never more gratified than ■w^hen he had an oppo rtunity of ex posing ^rave cha- racters in ridiculous attitudes, he laid a mischievousj snare for his new confederates, which took effect in this manner : — In one of their nocturnal deliberations, he promoted such a spirit of good-fellowship, by the agreeable sallies of his wit, which were purposely levelled against their political adversaries, that by ten o'clock they were all ready to join in the most extravagant proposal that could be made. They broke their glasses in consequence of his suggestion, drank healths out of their shoes, caps, and the bottoms of the candlesticks that stood before them, sometimes standing with one foot on a chair, and the knee bent on the edge of the table ; and when they could no longer stand in that posture, setting their bare pos- teriors on the cold floor. They huzzaed, hallooed, danced, and sang, and, in short, were elevated to such a pitch of intoxication, that when Peregrine proposed t hat th ey should burn their periwigs, the hint was iaimediately approved, and they executed the froli c as one man. Their shoes and caps underwent the same ^ 154 TRE ADVENTURES OE fate by the same instigation, and in this trim he led them forth into the street, where they resolved to compel everybody they should find to subscribe to their political creed and pronounce the Shibboleth of their party. In the achievement of this enterprise they met with more opposition than they expected ; they were encountered with arguments which they could not well withstand ; the noses of some, and eyes of others, in a very little time bore the marks of obsti- nate disputation. Their conductor having at length engaged the whole body in an affray with another squadron, which was pretty much in the same con- dition, he very fairly gave them the slip and slily retreateato his apartment, foreseeing that his com- panions would soon be favoured with the notice of 3^;^^ their superiors. Nor was he deceived in his prog- nostic ; the proctor, going his round, chanced to fall ^ in with this tumultuous uproar, and interposing his authority, found means to quiet the disturbance. He took cognizance of their names, and dismissed the rioters to their respective chambers, not a little scan- dalized at the behaviour of some among them, whose business and duty it was to set far other examples to the youth under their care and direction. About midnight, Pipes, who had orders to attend at a distance and keep an eye upon Jolter, brought home that unfortunate governor upon his back (Peregrine having beforehand secured his admittance into the college), and among other bruises, he was found to have received a couple of contusions on his face, which next morning appeared in a black circle that surrounded each eye. This was a mortifying circumstance to a man of his character and deportment, especially as he had received a message from the proctor, who desired to PEREGRINE PICKLE. 155 see him forthwith. With great humility and contri- tion he begged the advice of his pupil, who, being- used to amuse himself with painting, assured Mr. Jolter that he would cover those signs of disgrace with a slight coat of flesh-colour so dexterously that it would be almost impossible to distinguish the arti- ficial from the natural skin. The rueful governor, rather than expose such opprobrious tokens to the observation and censure of the magistrate, submitted to the expedient. Although his counsellor had over- rated his own skill, he was persuaded to confide in the disguise, and actually attended the proctor with such a staring addition to the natural ghastliness of his fea- tures, that his visage bore a very apt resemblance to some of those ferocious countenances that hang over the doors of certain taverns and ale-houses under the denomination of the ' Saracen's Head.' Such a remarkable alteration of physiognomy could not escape the notice of the most undiscerning be- holder, much less the penetrating eye of his severe judge, already whetted with what he had seen over- night. He was therefore upbraided with this ridi- culous and shallow artifice, and together with the companions of his debauch, underwent such a cutting _^reprimand for the scandalous irregularity of his con- k \ duct, that all of them remained crestfallen, and were ashamed for many weeks to appear in the public execution of their duty. %i . /If Peregrine was too vain of his finesse to conceal the part he acted in this comedy, with the particulars of which he regaled his companions, and thereby entailed upon himself the hate and resentment of the com- munity, whose maxims and practices he had disclosed ; for he was considered as a spy who had intruded himself into their society with a view of betraying it ; 156 THE ADVENTUliES OF or, at best, as an apostate and renegado from the faith and principles which he had professed. CHAPTER XXII. He is insulted hy Ms tutor ^ lohom he lampoons ; makes a considerable progress in polite literature ; and in an excursion to Windsor^ meets with Emilia hy accident^ and is very coldly received. Among those who suffered by his craft and infidelity was Mr. Jumble, his own tutor, who could not at all digest the mortifying affront he had received, and resolved to be revenged on the insulting author. With this view, he watched the conduct of Mr. Pickle with the utmost rancour of vigilance, and let slip no oppor- tunity of treating him with disrespect, vdijchjiejaiew the disposition of his pupil could less brook than any other severity'it was in his power to exercise. Pei^egrlne had been several mornings absent from chapel; and as Mr. Jumble never failed to question him in a very peremptory style about his non-atten- dance, he invented some very plausible excuses ; but at length his ingenuity was exhausted ; he received a very galling rebuke for his profligacy of morals, and that he might feel it more sensibly, was ordered by way of exercise to compose a paraphrase in English verse upon these two lines in Virgil : ' Vane ligur, frustraque animis elate superbis, ' Nequicquam patrias tentasti lubricus artes.' The imposition of this invidious theme had all the desired effect upon Peregrine, who not only considered PEREGRINE PICKLE. 157 it as a piece of unmannerly abuse levelled against his own conduct, but also as a retrospective insult on the memory of his grandfather, who (as he had been in- formed) was in his lifetime more noted for his cunning than candour in trade. Exasperated at this instance of the pedant's audacity, he had well nigh (in his first transports) taken corporeal satisfaction on the spot ; but foreseeing the troublesome consequences that would attend such a flagrant outrage against the laws of the university, he checked his in- dignation, and resolved to revenge the injury in a more cool and contemptuous manner. Thus determined, he set on foot an inquiry into the particulars of Jumble's parentage and education. He learnt that the father of this insolent tutor was a bricklayer, that his mother sold pies, and that the son, at different periods of his youth, had amused himself in both occupations before he converted his views to the study of learning. Fraught with this intelligence, he composed the follow- ing ballad in doggerel rhymes, and next day presented it as a gloss upon the text which the tutor had chosen. Come, listen, ye students of ev'ry degree, I sing of a wit and a tutor perdie, A statesman profound, a critic immense, In short, a mere jumble of learning and sense ; And yet of his talents though laudably vain. His own family-arts he could never attain. u. His father intending his fortune to build, In his youth would have taught him the trowel to wield, But the mortar of discipline never would stick, For his skull was secured by a facing of brick. And, with all his endeavours of patience and pain, The skill of his sire he could never attain, 158 THE ADVENTURES OF III. His mother a housewife, neat, artful, and wise, Eenown'd for her delicate biscuit and pies, Soon alter'd his studies, by flatt'ring his taste, From the raising of walls to the rearing of paste ! But all her instructions were fruitless and vain, The pie-making myst'ry he ne'er could obtain. IV. Yet, true to his race, in his labours were seen A jumble of both their professions, I ween ; For, when his owi^emu^he ventur'd to trust, His pies seem'd of brick, and his houses of crust. Then, good IVIr. Tutor, pray be not so vain. Since your family-arts you could never attain. This impudent production was the most effectual vengeance he could have taken on his tutor, who had all the supercilious arrogance and ridiculous pride of a low-born pedant. Instead of overlooking this petulant piece of satire with that temper and decency of disdain that became a person of his gravity and station, he no sooner cast his eye over the performance, than the blood rushed into his countenance, which immediately after exhibited a ghastly pale colour. With a quiver- ing lip he told his pupil that he was an impertinent jackanapes, and he would take care he should be ex- pelled from the university for having presumed to write and deliver such a licentious and scurrilous libel. Peregrine answered with great i-esolution that, when the provocation he had received should be known, ha was persuaded he should be acquitted by the opinion of all impartial people ; and that he was ready to sub- mit the whole to the decision of the master. This arbitration he proposed, because he knew the master and Jumble were at variance; and for that reason the tutor durst not venture to put the cause on PEREGRINE PICKLE. 150 such an issue. Nay, when this reference was mentioned, Jumble, who was naturally jealous, suspected that Peregrine had a promise of protection before he under- took to commit such an outrageous insult ; and this notion had such an effect upon him, that he resolved to devour his vexation, and wait for a more proper opportunity of gratifying his hate. Meanwhile, copies of the ballad were distributed among the students, who sang it under the very nose of Mr. Jumble, to the tune of ' A Cobbler there was,' &c., and the triumph of our hero was complete. Neither was his whole time de- voted to the riotous extravagances of youth. He en- joyed many lucid intervals, during which he contracted a more intimate acquaintance with the classics, applied himself to the reading of history, i mproved his t aste '' for paintin g_and music, in which he made some pro- ,va gress, and above all things cultivated the study of , JL natural philosophy. V It was generally after a course of close attention to some of these arts and sciences, that his disposition broke out into those irregularities and ^ wild sallies of a luxurian t imagination, for which he ^. 'became so remarkable ; and he was perhaps the only T \y^^^^ \T[?ca. in Oxford who, at the same time, main- ^-^ Oaa/^c \ itained an intimate and friendly intercourse with the ^o^\/i.i /most unthinking, as well as with the most sedate, ^ students at the university. It is not to be supposed that a young man of Pere- grine's vanity, inexperience, and profusion, could suit his expense to his allowance, liberal as it was; for he was not one of those fortunate people who are born P economists, and knew not the art of withholding his L purse when he saw his companion in difficulty. Thus, natm'ally generous and expensive, he squandered away his money, and made a most splendid appearance upon the receipt of his quarterly appointment; but long 160 THE ADVENTURES OF before the third month was elapsed, his finances were consumed, and as he could not stoop to ask an extra- ordinary supply, was too proud to borrow, and too haughty to run in debt with tradesmen, he devoted those periods of poverty to the prosecution of his studies, and shone forth again at the revolution of quarter-day. In one of these irruptions he and some of his com- panions went to Windsor, in order to see the royal apartments in the castle, whither they repaired in the afternoon, and as Peregrine stood contemplating the picture of Hercules and Omphale, one of his fellow- students whispered in his ear, ' Z — ds ! Pickle, there are two fine girls.' He turned instantly about, and in one of them recognised his almost-forgotten Emilia ; hfir appearance acted upon his imagination like a spark of^Te__t]iat_6ills'amon^^-unpowder ; that passion which had laid dormant for the space of two years flashed up in a moment, and he was seized with a universal jxepida^tion. She perceived and partook of his emotion ; for their souls, like jmisons, vibrated with the same impulse. However, she called her pride and resent- ment to her aid, and found resolution enough to retire from such a dangerous scene. Alarmed at her retreat, he re-collected all his assurance, and impelled by love, which he could no longer resist, followed her into the next room, where, in the most disconcerted manner, he accosted her with 'Your humble servant. Miss Gauntlet,' to which salutation she replied, with an affectation of indifference that did not however conceal her agitation, ' Your servant, sir,' and immediately extending her finger towards the picture of Duns Scotus, which is fixed over one of the doors, asked her companion, in a giggling tone, if she did not think he looked like a conjuror. Peregrine, nettled into spirits by this recep- PEREGRINE PICKLE. 161 tlon, answered for the other lady, * that it was an easy~T^^ matter to be a conjurer in those times, when the I simplicity of the age assisted his divination, but were j ,vv^' he, or Merlin himself, to rise from the dead now, J when such deceit and dissimulation prevail, they would not be able to earn their bread by the pro- fession.' ' O ! sir,' said she, turning full upon him, without doubt they would adopt new maxims ; 'tis no disparagement in this enlightened age for one to alter one's opinion.' ' No, sure, madam,' replied the youth with some precipitation, ' provided the change be for the better.' ' And should it happen otherwise,' retorted the nymph with a flirt of her fan, 'inconstancy will never want countenance from the practice of mankind.' True, madam,' resumed our hero, fixing his eyes upon her, ' examples of levity are everywhere to be ' met with.' ' Lord, sir,' cried Emilia, tossing her head, ' you'll scarcely ever find a fop without it.' By this time his companion, seeing him engaged with one of the ladies, entered into conversation with the other, and in order to favour his friend's gallantry, conducted her into the next apartment on pretence of entertaining her with the sight of a remarkable piece of painting. Peregrine, laying hold on this opportunity of being alone with the object of his love, assumed a most seducing tenderness of look, and heaving a .profound sigh, asked if she had utterly discarded him from her remembrance. Eeddening at this pathetic question, which recalled the memory of the imagined slight he had put upon her, she answered, in great confusion, ' Sir, I believe I had once the pleasure of seeing you ' at a ball in AVinchester.' ' Miss Emilia,' said he, very gravely, ' will you be so candid as to tell me ' what misbehaviour of mine you are pleased to ' punish by restricting your remembrance to that single VOL. III. 11 1G2 THE ADVENTURES OF ' occasion ? ' ' Mr. Pickle,' she replied, in the same tone, 'it is neither my province nor inclination to ' judge your conduct, and, therefore, you misapply ' your question when you ask such an explanation of ' me.' ' At least,' resumed our lover, ' give me the ' melancholy satisfaction to know for what offence of ' mine you refused to take the least notice of that ' letter which I had the honour to write from Win- ' Chester by your own express permission.' * Your ' letter,' said Miss, with great vivacity, ' neither re- ' quired, nor, in my opinion, deserved an answer ; and ' to be free with you, Mr. Pickle, it was but a shallow ' artifice to rid yourself of a correspondence you had ' deigned to solicit.' Peregrine, confounded at this rapartee, replied that howsoever he might have failed in point of elegance or discretion, he was sure he had not been deficient in expressions of respect and devo- tion for those charms which it was his pride to adore ; ' As for the verses,' said he, ' I own they were un- ' worthy of the theme, but I flattei'ed myself that they ' would have merited your acceptance though not your ' approbation, and been considered not so much as ' the proof of my g enius as the genuine effusion of ' my love.' ' VersesP'^^ed Emilia, with an air of astonishment, ' what verses ? I really don't under- ' stand you.' The young gentleman was thunderstruck at this exclamation, to which, after a long pause, he answered, ' I begin to suspect, and heartily wish it ' may appear that we have misunderstood each other ' from the beginning. Pray, Mss Gauntlet, did not ^ you find a copy of verses enclosed in that unfortunate ' letter ? ' ' Truly, sir,' said the lady, ' I am not so * much of a connoisseur as to distinguish whether that ' facetious production, which you merrily style an ' unfortunate letter, was composed in verse or prose ; PEREGRINE PICKLE. 163 ' methinks tlie jest is a little too stale to be brought ' upon the cariDct again/ So saying, she tripped away to her companion, and left her lover in a most tumultuous suspense. He now perceived that her neglect of his addresses when he was at Winchester must have been owing to some mystery which he could not comprehend ; and she began to suspect and to hope that the letter which she received was spurious, though she could not conceive how that could possibly happen, as it had been delivered to her by the hands of his own servant. However, she resolved to leave the task of unravel- ling the affair to him, who she knew would infallibly exert himself for his own as well as her satisfaction. She was not deceived in her opinion ; he went up to her again at the staircase, and as they were unprovided with a male attendant, insisted upon 'squiring the ladies to their lodgings. Emilia saw his drift, which was no other than to know where she lived ; and though she approved of his contrivance, thought it was incumbent upon her, for the support of her own dignity, to decline the civility ; she therefore thanked him for his polite offer, but would by no means con- sent to his giving himself such uimecessary trouble, especially as they had a very little way to walk. He was not repulsed by this refusal, the nature of which he perfectly understood ; nor was she sorry to see him persevere in his determination ; he therefore ac- companied them in their return, and made divers efforts to speak with Emilia in particular ; but she had a spice of the coquette in her disposition, and having determined to whet his impatience, artfully baffied all his endeavours by keeping her companion continually engaged in the conversation, which turned upon the venerable appearance and imperial situation 11—2 164 THE ADVENTURES OF of the place. Thus tantalized, he lounged with them to the door of the house in which they lodged, when his mistress, perceiving by the countenance of her comrade, that she was on the point of desiring him . to walk in, checked her intention with a frown, then ^c^ turning to Mr. Pickle, dropped him a very formal '\j^ curtsey, seized the other young lady by the arm, and jc^ saying, ' Come, cousin Sophy,' vanished in a moment. CHAPTEK XXIII. After sundry unsuccessful efforts^ he finds means to come to an explanation with his mistress^ and a reconcilia- tion ensues. Peregrine, disconcerted at their sudden disappear- ance, stood for some minutes gaping in the street before he could get the better of his surprise, and then deliberated with himself whether he should de- mand immediate admittance to his mistress or choose some other method of application. Piqued at her abrupt behaviour, though pleased with her spirit, he set his invention to work in order to contrive some means of seeing her, and in a(fi^ of musing arrived at the inn, where he found his companions whom he had left at the castle gate. They had already made inquiry about the ladies, in consequence of which he learned that Miss Sophy was daughter of a gentleman in town to whom his mistress was related ; that an intimate friendship subsisted between the two young ladies; that Emilia had lived about a month with her cousin and appeared at the last assembly, where PEREGRINE PICKLE. 165 she was universally admired, and that several young gentlemen of fortune had since that time teased her with addresses. Our hero's ambition was flattered and his passion^ jnflamecLwith this intelligence, and he swore within ( himself that he would not quit the spot until he ^ should have^ obtained an undisputed victory over all^ his rivals. That same evening he composed a most eloquent epistle, in which he earnestly entreated that she would favour him with an opportunity of vindicating his conduct ; but she would neither receive his billet nor see his messenger. Baulked in this effort, he enclosed it in a new cover directed by another hand, and ordered Pipes to ride next morning to London on purpose to deliver it at the post-office, that coming by such conveyance she might have no suspicion of the author, and open it before she should be aware of the deceit. Three days he waited patiently for the effect of this stratagem, and, in the afternoon of the fourth, ventured to hazard a formal visit in the quality of an old ac- quaintance. But here too he failed in his attempt; she was indisposed and could not see company. These obstacles served only to increase his eagerness; he still adhered to his former resolution, and his com- panions understanding his determination, left him next day to his inventions. Thus relinquished to his own ideas he doubled his assiduity, and practised every a method his imagination could suggest in order to pro-» ^ " • mote his plan. Pipes was stationed all day long within sight of her door, tha.t he might be able to give his master an account of her motions; but she never went abroad except to visit in the neighbourhood, and was always 166 THE ADVENTURES OF housed before Peregrine could be apprised of her appearance. He went to church with a view of attract- ing her notice, and humbled his deportment before her; but she was so mischievously devout as to look at nothing but her book, so that he was not favoured with one glance of regard. He frequented the coffee- house, and attempted to contract an acquaintance with Miss Sophy's father, who, he hoped, would invite him to his house; but this expectation was also defeated. That prudent gentleman looked upon him as one of those forwai'd fortune-hunters who go about the country seeking whom they may devour, and warily discouraged all his advances. Chagrined by so many unsuccessful endeavours, he began to despair of accomplishing his aim, and as the last suggestion of his art, paid off his lodging, took horse at noon, and departed, in all appear- ance, for the place whence he had come. He rode, however, but a few miles, and in the dusk of the even- ing returned unseen, alighted at another inn, ordered Pipes to stay within doors, and keeping himself quite incognito, employed another person as a sentinel upon Emilia. It was not long before he reaped the fruits of his in- genuity. Next day, in the afternoon, he was informed by his spy that the two young ladies were gone to walk in the park, whither he followed them on the instant, fidly determined to come to an explanation with his mistress, even in presence of her friend, who might possibly be prevailed upon to interest herself in his behalf. When he saw them at such a distance that they could not return to town before he should have an opportunity of putting his resolution in practice, he mended his pace, and found means to appear before them so suddenly, that Emilia could not help ex- PEREGRINE PICKLE. .f / 167 -^ pressing her surprise in a scream.-:^jQur lover, putting on a mien of humility and mortificat ion, begged to know if her resentment was implacable ; and asked why she had so cruelly refused to grant him the common privilege that every criminal enjoyed. ' Dear ' Miss Sophy,' said he, addressing himself to her com- panion, ' give me leave to implore your intercession with your cousin ; I am sure you have humanity enough to espouse my cause, did you but know the justice of it ; and I flatter myself, that by your kind interposition, I may be able to rectify that fatal mis- understanding wliich hath made me wretched.' ' Sir,' said Sophy, ' you appear like a gentleman, and I doubt not but your behaviour has been always suitable to your appearance ; but you must excuse me from undertaking any such office in behalf of a person whom I have not the honour to know.' ' Madam,' answered Peregrine, ' I hope Miss Emy will justify my pretensions to that character, notwithstanding the mystery of her displeasure, which, upon my honour, I cannot, for my soul, explain.' ' Lord ! Mr. Pickle,' said Emilia, who had by this time recollected herself, I never questioned your gallantry and taste, but I have resolved that you shall never have cause to exercise your talents at my expense ; so that you tease yourself and me to no purpose; come, Sophy, let us walk home again.' ' Good God ! madam,' cried the lover, with great emotion, ' why will you distract me with such barbarous indifference ? Stay, dear Emilia ! I conjure you, on my knees, to stay and hear me ; by all that is sacred ! I was not to blame ; you must have been imposed upon by some villain who envied my good fortune, and took some treacherous method to ruin my love.' Miss Sophy, who possessed a large stock of good- 168 THE ADVENTURES OF nature, and to whom her cousin had communicated the cause of her reserve, seeing the young gentleman so much affected with that disdain which she knew to be feigned. Laid hold of Emiha's sleeve, saying, with a smile, ' Not quite so fast, Emily; I begin to ' perceive that this is a love-quarrel, and therefore ' there may be hopes of a reconciliation ; for I suppose ' both parties are open to conviction.' ' For my own ' part,' cried Peregrine, with great eagerness, ' I appeal ' to Miss Sophy's decision. But, why do I say appeal ? ' Though I am conscious of having committed no ' offence, I am ready to submit to any penance, let it ' be ever so rigorous, that my fair enslaver herself shall ' impose, provided it will entitle me to her favour and ' forgiveness at last.' Emily, well nigh overcome by this declaration, told him that as she Jaxgd-liim with no guilt, she expected no atonement ; and pressed her companion to return into town. But Sophy, who was too indulgent to her friend's real inclination to comply with her request, observed that the gentleman seemed so reasonable in his concessions, she began to think her cousin was in the wrong, and felt herself disposed to act as umpire in the dispute. Overjoyed at this condescension, Mr. Pickle thanked her in the most rapturous terms, and, in the transport of his expectation, kissed the hand of his kind media- trix ; a circumstance which had a remarkable effect on the countenance of Emilia, who did not seem to relish the warmth of his acknowledgment. After many supplications on one hand, and pressing remonstrances on the other, she yielded at length, and turning to her lover, while her face was overspread with bluslies, ' Well, sir,' said she, ' supposing I were ' to put the difference on that issue, how could you ' excuse the ridiculous letter which you sent to me PEREGRINE PICKLE. 1G9 ' from Winchester?' This expostulation introduced a discussion of the whole affair, in which all the cir- cumstances were canvassed ; and Emilia still affirmed with great heat that the letter must have been cal- culated to affront her ; for she could not suppose the author was so weak as to design it for any other purpose. Peregrine, who still retained in his memory the sub- stance of this unlucky epistle, as well as the verses which were enclosed, could recollect no particular expression which could have justly given the least umbrage ; and, therefore, in the agonies of perplexity, begged that the whole might be submitted to the judg- ment of Miss Sophy ; and faithfully promised to stand to her award. In short, this proposal was with seeming reluctance embraced by Emilia, and an appointment made to meet next day in the same place, whither both parties were desired to come provided with their credentials ; according to which definitive sentence Avould be pronounced. Our lover, having succeeded thus far, overwhelmed Sophy with acknowledgments on account of her generous mediation, and in the course of their walk, which Emilia was now in no hurry to conclude, whispered a great many tender protestations in the ear of his mistress, who, nevertheless, continued to act upon the reserve, until her doubts should be more fully resolved. Mr. Pickle having found means to amuse them in the fields till the twilight, was obliged to wish them good even, after having obtained a solemn repetition of their promise to meet him at the appointed time and place ; and then retreated to his apartment, where he spent the whole night in various con- 170 THE ADVENTURES OF jectiires on the subject of this letter, the gordian knot of which he could by no means untie. One while he imagined that some wag had played a trick upon his messenger, in consequence of which Emilia had received a supposititious letter ; but upon further reflection he could not conceive the practica- bility of any such deceit. Then he began to doubt the sincerity of his mistress, who, perhaps, had only made that a handle for discarding him at the request of some favoured rival; but his own integrity forbade him to harbour this mean suspicion ; and therefore he was again involved in the labyrinth of perplexity. Next day he waited on the rack of impatience for the hour of five in the afternoon, which no sooner struck, than he ordered Pipes to attend him, in case there should be occasion for his evidence; and repaired to the place of rendezvous, where he had not tarried five minutes before the ladies appeared. Mutual compli- ments being passed, and the attendant stationed at a convenient distance. Peregrine persuaded them to sit down upon the grass, under the shade of a spreading oak, that they might be more at their ease ; while he stretched himself at their feet, and desired that the paper on which his doom depended might be examined. It was accordingly put into the hand of his fair arbi- tress, who read it immediately with an audible voice. The first two words of it were no sooner pronounced than he started with great emotion, and raised himself upon his hand and knee, in which posture he listened to the rest of the sentence ; then sprang upon his feet in the utmost astonishment, and glowing with resent- ment at the same time, exclaimed, ' Hell and the ' devil ! what's all that? Sure you make a jest of me, ' madam.' ' Pi'ay, sir,' said Sophy, ' give me the ' hearing for a few moments, and then urge what you PEREGRINE PICKLE. 171 ' shall think proper in your defence.' Having thus cautioned him, she proceeded; but before she had finished one half of the performance her gravity forsook her, and she was seized with a violent fit of laughter, in which neither of the lovers could help joining, notwithstanding the resentment which at that instant prevailed in the breasts of both. The judge, however, in a little time resumed her solemnity, and having read the remaining part of this curious epistle, all three continued staring at each other alternately for the space of half a minute, and then broke forth, at the same instant, in another paroxysm of mirth. From this unanimous convulsion, one would have thought that both parties were extremely well pleased with the joke ; yet this was by no means the case. Emilia imagined that, notwithstanding his affected surprise, her lover, in spite of himself, had renewed the laugh at her expense, and in so doing applauded his unmannerlyj^ndiciU^. I This supposition could not fail of raising and reviving her indignation ; while Peregrine highly resented the indignity with which he supposed himself treated, in their attempting to make him the dupe of such a gross and ludicrous artifice. This being the situation of their thoughts, their mirth was succeeded by a mutual gloominess of aspect ; and the judge, addressing herself to Mr. Pickle, asked if he had anything to offer why sentence should not be pronounced ? ' Madam,' answered the culprit, ' I am sorry to find myself so low in the opinion of your cousin as to be thought capable of being deceived by such a shallow contrivance.' ' Nay, sir,' said Emilia, the contrivance is your own, and I cannot help admiring your confidence in imputing it to me.' Upon my honour, ]\Iiss Emily,' resumed our hero, you wrong my understanding as well as my love, in 172 TEE ADVENTURES OF ' accusing me of Laving written sucli a silly, imper- ' tinent performance ; the very appearance and address ' of it is so milike the letter which I did myself the ' honour to write, that I daresay my man, even at this ' distance of time, will remember the difference.' So saying, he extended his voice, and beckoned to Pipes, who immediately drew near. His mistress seemed to object to his evidence, by observing that to be sure Mr. Pipes had his cue ; when Peregrine, begging she ^ would spare him the mortification of considering him in such a dishonourable light, desired his valet to examine the outside of the letter, and recollect if it was the same which he had delivered to Miss Gauntlet about two years ago. Pipes having taken a superficial view of it, pulled up his breeches, saying, ' ]\Iayhap it ' is ; but we have made so many trips, and been in so ' many creeks and corners since that time, that I can't ' pretend to be certain ; for I neither keep journal nor ' logbook of our proceedings.' Emilia commended him for his candour, at the same time darting a sar- castic look at his master, as if she thought he had tampered Avitli his servant's integrity in vain 5 and Peregrine began to rave and curse his fate for having subjected him to such mean suspicion, attesting heaven and earth, in the most earnest manner, that far from having composed and conveyed that stupid production, he had never seen it before, nor been privy to the least circumstance of the plan. Pipes now, for the first time, perceived the mischief he had occasioned, and moved with the transports of his master, for whom he had a most inviolable attachment, frankly declared he was ready to make oath that Mr. Pickle had no hand in the letter which he delivered. All three were amazed at this confes- sion, the meaning of which they could not compre- V/WC PEREORTNE PICKLE. 173 hend. Peregrine, after some pause, leaped upon Pipes, and seizing him by the throat, exclaimed, in an ecstasy of rage, * Rascal ! tell me this instant what became of ' the letter I intrusted to your care.' Tliepatient ] yalet,__lialfi^^an ffled as he was, squirted a col lection \ j o f to bacco-;]' nice out of one corn er of his m outhy and ydth^_grealL-delibfiration replied, ' Why, burnt it ; you ' wouldn't have me give the young woman a thing ' that shook all in the wind in tatters, would you ? ' The ladies interposed In behalf of the distressed squire, from whom, by dint of questions which he had neither art nor inclination to evade, they extorted an explana- tion of the whole affair. Such ridiculous simplicity and innocence of Intention appeared in the composition of his expedient, that even the remembrance of all the chagrin which it had pro- duced could not rouse their indignation, or enable them to resist a third eruption of laughter which they forth- with underwent. Pipes was dismissed with many menacing injunc- tions to beware of such conduct for the future ; Emilia stood with a confusion of joy and tenderness in her countenance; Peregrine's eyes kindled Into rapture, and when ]\Iiss Sophy pronounced the sentence of reconciliation, advanced to his mistress, saying, '• Truth ^ ' is mighty, and will prevail ; ' then clasping her in his arms, very impudently ravished a kiss, which she had not power to refuse. Nay, such was the impulse of his joy, that he took the same freedom with the lips of Sophy, calling her his kind mediatrix and guardian angel, and behaved with such extravagance of trans- \J^ port as plainly evinced the fervour and sincerity of "^ ' his love. I shall not pretend to repeat the tender protestations that were uttered on one side, or describe the bewitch- 174 THE ADVENTURES OF ing glances of approbation with which they were received on the other ; suffice it to say, that the endear- ing intimacy of their former connexion was instantly renewed, and Sophy, who congratulated them upon the happy termination of their quarrel, favoured with their mutual confidence. In consequence of this happy pacification, they deliberated upon the means of seeing each other often ; and as he could not without some previous introduction visit her openly at the house of her relation, they agreed to meet every afternoon in the park till the next assembly, at which he would solicit her as a partner, and she be unengaged, in expectation of his request. By this connexion he would be entitled to visit her next day, and thus an avowed correspondence would of course commence. This plan was actually put in execution, and attended with a circumstance which had well nigh produced some mischievous consequence, had not Peregrine's good fortune been superior to his discretion. CHAPTER XXIV. He achieves an adventure at the assemhly^ and quarrels with Ms governor. At the assembly were no fewer than three gentlemen of fortune who rivalled our lover in his passion for Emilia, and who had severally begged the honour of dancing with her upon that occasion. She had ex- cused herself to each, on pretence of a slight indis- position that she foresaw would detain her from the ball, and desired they would provide themselves with PEREGRINE PICKLE. 175 other partners. Obliged to admit her excuse, they accordingly followed her advice ; and after they had engaged themselves beyond the power of retracting, ^ had the mortifi cation to see her there unclaimed. They in their turn made up to her, and expressed their surprise and concern at finding her in the as- sembly unprovided, after she had declined their in- vitation ; but she told them that her cold had forsaken her since she had the pleasure of seeing them, and that she would rely upon accident for a partner. Just as she pronounced these words to the last of the three, Peregrine advanced as an utter stranger, bowed with great respect, told her he understood she was unen- gaged, and would think himself highly honoured in being accepted as her partner for the night; and he had the good fortune to succeed in his application. As they were by far the hanxbomest_and besta^ ^^'^^ complish ed couple in the room, they could not fail of J ^-< 176 THE ADVENTURES OF lation of scoundrel, pulled off his antagonist's periwig, and flung it in his face. The ladies immediately shrieked ; the gentlemen interposed ; Emilia was seized ^/ with a ^t of t rembling^ and conducted to her seat by her youthful admirer, who begged pardon for having discomposed her, and vindicated what he had done, by representing the necessity he was under to resent the provocation he had received. Though she could not help owning the justice of his plea, she was not less concerned at the dangerous situation in which he had involved himself, and in the utmost consternation and anxiety, insisted upon going directly home. He could not resist her importunities ; and her cousin having determined to accompany her, he escorted them to their lodgings, where he wished them good night, after having, in order to quiet their apprehensions, protested that if his opponent was satisfied he should never take any step towards the prosecution of the quarrel. Meanwhile the assembly- room became a scene of tumult and uproar; the person who conceived himself injured, seeing Peregrine retire, struggled with his companions in order to pursue and take satisfaction of our hero, whom he loaded with terms of abuse, and challenged to single combat. The director of the ball held a consultation with all the subscribers who were present; and it was deter- mined, by a majority of voices, that the two gentlemen who had occasioned the disturbance should be desired to withdraw. This resolution being signified to one of the parties then present, he made some difiiculty of complying, but was persuaded to submit by his two confederates, who accompanied him to the street-door, where he was met by Peregrine on his return to the assembly. This choleric gentleman, who was a comitry squire. PEREGRINE PICKLE. 177 no sooner saw his rival than he began to brandish his cudgel in a menacing posture ; when our adventurous youth, stepping back with one foot, laid his hand upon the hilt of his sword, which he drew half out of the scabbard. This attitude, and the sight of the blade, which glistened by moonlight in his face, checked in some sort the ardour of his assailant, who desired he would lay aside his toaster and take a bout with him at equal arms. Peregrine, who was an expert cudgel player, accepted the invitation; then, exchanging weapons with Pipes, who stood behind him, put him- self in a posture of defence, and received the attack of his adversary, who struck at random without either skill or economy. Pickle could have beaten the cudgel out of his hand at the first blow; but as in that case he would have been obliged in honour to give immediate quarter, he resolved to discipline his antagonist without endeavouring to disable him, until he should be heartily satisfied with the vengeance he had taken. With this view he returned the salute, V V^ and raised such a clatter about the squire's pate, that y**^ one who had heard without_seeing_the_ap plication 'p 1 V^T^v would have taken the sound for th at of a salt-box in^ ^.v^^«^ thejiand of a dexterousJMerry Andrew belonging to one '^ ^v^ of the booths at Bartholomew Fair. Neither was this __\ ^^^ salutation confined to his head: his shoulders, arms, thighs, ankles, and ribs were visited with amazing rapidity, while Tom Pipes sounded the charge through his fist. Peregrine, tired with this exercise, which had almost bereft his enemy of sensation, at last struck the decisive blow, in consequence of which the squire's weapon flew out of his grasp, and he allowed our hero to be the better man. Satisfied with this acknowledg- ment, the victor walked upstairs with such elevation of spirits and insolence of mien, that nobody chose to VOL. III. 12 178 THE ADVENTURES OF intimate the resolution which had been taken in his absence. There having amused himself for some time Jn beholding the country-dances, he retreated to his lodging, where he indulged himself , all jiight in the contemplation of his own success. Next day, in the afternoon, he went to visit his partner ; and the gentleman at whose house she lived, having been informed of his family and condition, received him with great courtesy, as the acquaintance of his cousin Gauntlet, and invited him to dinner that same day. Emilia was remarkably well pleased when she un- derstood the issue of his adventure, which began to make some noise in the town, even though it deprived her of a wealthy admirer. The squire having con- sulted an attorney about the nature of the dispute, in hopes of being able to prosecute Peregrine for an assault, found little encouragement to go to law; he therefore resolved to pocket the insult and injury he had undergone, and to discontinue his addresses to her who was the cause of both. Our lover being told by his mistress that she pro- posed to stay a fortnight longer at Windsor, he deter- mined to enjoy her company all that time, and then to give her a convoy to the house of her mother, whom he longed to see. In consequence of this plan, he every day contrived some fresh party of pleasure for the ladies, to whom he had by this time free access ; and entangled himself so much in the snares of love, that he seemed quite enchanted by Emilia's charms, which were now indeed almost irresistible. While he thus heedlessly roved in the flowery paths of pleasure, his governor at Oxford, alarmed at the un- usual duration of his absence, went to the young gentlemen who had accompanied him m his excursion, PEREGRINE PICKLE. 179 and very earnestly entreated them to tell him what they knew concerning his pupil ; they accordingly gave him an account of the rencounter that happened between Peregrine and Miss Emily Gauntlet in the castle, and mentioned circumstances sufficient to con- vince him that his charge was very dangerously engaged. Far from having an authority over Peregrine, Mr. Jolter durst not even disoblige him ; therefore, instead of writing to the commodore, he took horse imme- diately, and that same night reached Windsor, where he found his stray sheep very much surprised at this unexpected arrival. The governor desiring to have some serious con- versation with him, they shut themselves up in an apartment, where Jolter with great solemnity com- municated the cause of his journey, which was no other than his concern for his pupil's welfare, and very gravely undertook to prove, by mathematical demonstration, that this intrigue, if further pursued, would tend to the young gentleman's ruin and dis- grace. This singular proposition raised the curiosity of Peregrine, who promised to yield all manner of attention, and desired him to begin without further preamble. The governor, encouraged by this appearance of candour, expressed his satisfaction in finding him so open to conviction, and told him he would proceed upon geometrical principles. Then, hemming thrice, observed that no mathematical inquiries could be carried on, except upon certain data^ or concessions to truths that were self-evident, and therefore he must crave his assent to a few axioms, which he was sure Mr. Pickle would see no reason to dispute. ' In the ' first place, then,' said he, ' you will grant, I hope, 12—2 .^\^ 180 THE ADVENTURES OF ' that youth and discretion are with respect to each * other as two parallel lines, which, though infinitely ' produced, remain stiU equi-distant, and will never ' coincide; then you must allow that passion acts ' upon the human mind, in a ratio compounded of ' the acuteness of sense and constitutional heat; ^ and thirdly, you will not deny that the angle of ' remorse is equal to that of precipitation. These ' postulata being admitted,' added he, taking pen, ink, and paper, and drawing a parallelogram, ' let youth ' be represented by the right line a 5, and discretion ' by another right line c c?, parallel to the former. ' Complete the parallelogi'am ahcd^ and let the point ' of intersection h represent perdition. Let passion, ' represented under the letter c, have a motion in the ' direction c a. At the same time, let another motion ' be communicated to it, in the direction c