LIBRARY UNIVERSITY OP CALIFORNIA SANTA CRUZ UU\ D8L Mr. DOOLEY: In Peace and in War Mr. DOOLEY In Peace and in War Boston Small, Maynard & Company 1899 Copyright, 1898, by the Chicago Journal Copyright, 1898, by Small, Maynard & Company First Edition (10,000 copies} November, 1898 Second Edition (10,000 copies') December, f8p8 Third Edition (10,000 copies) January, i8pp Press of George H. Ellis, Boston, U.S.J. TO W. H. TURNER PREFACE. ARCHEY ROAD stretches back for many miles from the heart of an ugly city to the cabbage gardens that gave the maker of the seal his opportunity to call the city "urbs in horto." Somewhere between the two that is to say, forninst th' gas-house and bey ant Healey's slough and not far from the polis station lives Martin Dooley, doctor of philosophy. There was a time when Archey Road was purely Irish. But the Huns, turned back from the Adriatic and the stock-yards and overrunning Archey Road, have nearly ex- hausted the original population, not driven them out as they drove out less vigorous races, with thick clubs and short spears, but edged them out with the more biting weapons viii PREFACE of modern civilization, overworked and under-eaten them into more languid sur- roundings remote from the tanks of the gas- house and the blast furnaces of the rolling- mill. But Mr. Dooley remains, and enough re- main with him to save the Archey Road. In this community you can hear all the vari- ous accents of Ireland, from the awkward brogue of the " far-downer " to the mild and aisy Elizabethan English of the southern Irishman, and all the exquisite variations to .be heard between Armagh and Bantry Bay, with the difference that would naturally arise from substituting cinders and sulphuretted hydrogen for soft misty air and peat smoke. Here also you can see the wakes and christ- enings, the marriages and funerals, and the other fetes of the oY counthry somewhat PREFACE ix modified and darkened by American usage. The Banshee has been heard many times in Archey Road. On the eve of All Saints' Day it is well known that here alone the pookies play thricks in cabbage gardens. In 1893 it was reported that Malachi Dempsey was called " by the other people," and disap- peared west of the tracks, and never came back. A simple people! "Simple, says ye!" remarked Mr. Dooley. "Simple like th' air or th' deep sea. Not complicated like a watch that stops whin th' shoot iv clothes ye got it with wears out. Whin Father Butler wr-rote a book he niver finished, he said simplicity was not wearin' all ye had on ye'er shirt-front, like a tin-horn gambler with his di'mon' stud. An' 'tis so." The barbarians around them are moder- x PREFACE ately but firmly governed, encouraged to passionate votings for the ruling race, but restrained from the immoral pursuit of office. The most generous, thoughtful, honest, and chaste people in the world are these friends of Mr. Dooley, knowing and inno- cent ; moral, but giving no heed at all to patented political moralities. Among them lives and prospers the trav- eller, archaeologist, historian, social observer, saloon-keeper, economist, and philosopher, who has not been out of the ward for twenty-five years "but twict." He reads the newspapers with solemn care, heartily hates them, and accepts all they print for the sake of drowning Hennessy's rising pro- tests against his logic. From the cool heights of life in the Archey Road, uninter- rupted by the jarring noises of crickets and PREFACE xi cows, he observes the passing show, and meditates thereon. His impressions are transferred to the desensitized plate of Mr. Hennessy's mind, where they can do no harm. "There's no betther place to see what's goin' on thin the Ar-rchey Road," says Mr. Dooley. "Whin th' ilicthric cars is hum- min' down th' sthreet an* th' blast goin' sthrong at th' mills, th' noise is that gr-reat ye can't think." He is opulent in good advice, as becomes a man of his station ; for he has mastered most of the obstacles in a business career, and by leading a prudent and temperate life has established himself so well that he owns his own house and furniture, and is only slightly behind on his license. It would be indelicate to give statistics as to his age. xii PREFACE Mr. Hennessy says he was a "grown man whin th' pikes was out in forty-eight, an* 1 was hedge-high, an* I'm near fifty-five/ 3 Mr. Dooley says Mr. Hennessy is eighty. He closes discussion on his own age with the remark, " I'm old enough to know bet- ther." He has served his country with distinction. His conduct of the important office of captain of his precinct (1873-75) was highly commended, and there was some talk of nominating him for alderman. At the expiration of his term he was personally thanked by the Hon. M. McGee, at one time a member of the central committee, But the activity of public life was unsuited to a man of Mr. Dooley's tastes ; and, while he continues to view the political situation always with interest and sometimes with alarm, he has resolutely declined to leave PREFACE xiii the bar for the forum. His early experi- ence gave him wisdom in discussing public affairs. " Politics," he says, " ain't bean bag. 'Tis a man's game ; an' women, chil- dher, an' pro-hybitionists'd do well to keep out iv it." Again he remarks, " As Shake- speare says, c OF men f 'r th' council, young men f 'r th' ward.' " An attempt has been made in this book to give permanent form to a few of the more characteristic and important of Mr. Dooley's utterances. For permission to reprint the articles the thanks of the editor are due to Mr. George G. Booth, of the Chicago Journal^ and to Mr. Dooley's con- stant friend, Mr. H. H. Kohlsaat, of the Chicago Evening Post. F. P. D. CONTENTS. MR. DOOLEY IN WAR ON DIPLOMACY i ON WAR PREPARATIONS .... 6 ON FiTz-HucH LEE 10 ON MULES AND OTHERS .... 14 ON HIS COUSIN GEORGE .... 20 ON SOME ARMY APPOINTMENTS . 25 ON STRATEGY . . . . ... 30 ON GENERAL MILES'S MOONLIGHT EXCURSION . .^ ..... 34 ON ADMIRAL DEWEY'S ACTIVITY . 39 ON THE PHILIPPINES 43 ON PRAYERS FOR VICTORY ... 48 ON THE ANGLO-SAXON .... 53 ON A LETTER FROM THE FRONT . 58 ON OUR CUBAN ALLIES .... 63 xvi CONTENTS PAGE ON THE DESTRUCTION OF CERVERA'S FLEET . . . . . , . . . 68 ON A LETTER TO MR. DEPEW . . 73 ON THE PRESIDENT'S CAT ... 77 ON A SPEECH BY PRESIDENT Mc- KINLEY . . . . . . . 8 i ON THE HERO IN POLITICS . . . 87 MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE ON NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS . . 95 ON GOLD-SEEKING ...... 100 ON BOOKS. . . . . . . > . 105 ON REFORM CANDIDATES . . . . 1 1 1 ON PATERNAL DUTY , . . . . 118 ON CRIMINALS 124 ON A PLOT ........ 130 ON THE NEW WOMAN .... 136 ON EXPERT TESTIMONY .... 141 CONTENTS xvii PAGE ON THE POPULARITY OF FIREMEN . 146 ON THE GAME OF FOOTBALL . . 152 ON THE NECESSITY OF MODESTY AMONG THE RlCH Ij8 ON THE POWER OF LOVE . v . 165 ON THE VICTORIAN ERA . . . . 170 ON THE CURRENCY QUESTION . . 175 ON POLITICAL PARADES . . . . 181 ON CHARITY . . 187 ON NANSEN . . . . . '. . . . 192 ON A POPULIST CONVENTION . . 197 ON A FAMILY REUNION . . . 202 ON A FAMOUS WEDDING .... 208 ON A QUARREL BETWEEN ENGLAND AND GERMANY 213 ON ORATORY IN POLITICS . . . 218 ON CHRISTMAS GIFTS 223 ON ANARCHISTS 229 ON THE DREYFUS CASE .... 234 xviii CONTENTS PAGE ON THE DECADENCE OF GREECE . 239 ON THE INDIAN WAR 245 ON GOLF . 249 ON THE FRENCH CHARACTER . . 255 MR. DOOLEY IN WAR ON DIPLOMACY. re inthruptin' me dreams.' c What ails ye, man alive ? ' says Mrs. Dona- hue. c Get up.' c Go away/ says Donahue, c an lave me slumber/ he says. c Th' idee iv a couple iv big strong women like you makin' me wurruk f 'r ye/ he says. c Mollie '11 bring in th' coal/ he says. c An' as f 'r you, Honoria, ye'd best see what there is in th' cupboord an' put it in ye'er dinner-pail/ he says. ' I heerd th' first whistle blow a minyit ago/ he says ; c an' there's a pile iv slag at th' mills that has to be wheeled off befure th' sup'rintindint comes around/ he says. c Ye know ye can't afford to lose ye'er job with me in this dilicate condition/ he says. c I'm going to sleep now/ he says. c An', Mollie, do ye bring me in a cup iv cocoa an' a pooched igg at tin,' he says. c I ixpect me music-teacher about that time. We have to take a wallop out iv Wagner an' Bootoven befure noon.' c Th' Lord save us fr'm harm,' says Mrs. Donahue. c Th' man's clean crazy.' c Divvle's th' bit/ says Donahue, wavin' his red flannel undher- shirt in th' air. c I'm the new man/ he says. ON THE NEW WOMAN 139 "Well, sir, Donahue said it flured thim complete. They didn't know what to say. Mollie was game, an* she fetched in th' coal ; but Mrs. Donahue got nervous as eight o'clock come around. c Ye're not goin' to stay in bed all day an* lose ye'er job/ she says. c Th' 'ell with me job/ says Donahue. c I'm not th' man to take wurruk whin they'se industhrees women with nawthin' to do,' he says. c Show me th' pa-apers/ he says. c I want to see where I can get an eighty-cint bonnet f 'r two and a half.' He's that stubborn he'd've stayed in bed all day, but th' good woman weakened. c Come,' she says, c don't be foolish/ she says. c Ye wudden't have th' ol' woman wurrukin' in th' mills/ she says. c 'Twas all a joke,' she says. c Oh-ho, th' ol' woman ! ' he says. * Th' ol' woman ! Well, that's a horse iv another color/ he says. 'An' I don't mind tellin' ye th' mills is closed down to-day, Honoria.' So he dhressed himsilf an' wint out ; an' says he to Mollie, he says : ( Miss Newwoman/ says he, c ye may find wurruk 140 MR. DOOLEY enough around th' house/ he says. c An', if ye have time, ye might paint th' stoop/ he says. c Th' ol' man is goin' to take th' oF woman down be Halsted Sthreet' an* blow himsilf f 'r a new shawl f 'r her/ " An* he's been that proud iv th' victhry that he's been a reg'lar customer f'r a week." ON EXPERT TESTIMONY. "ANNYTHING new?" said Mr. Hennessy, who had been waiting patiently for Mr. Dooley to put down his newspaper. " I've been r-readin' th' tistimony iv th' Lootgert case," said Mr. Dooley. "What d'ye think iv it?" " I think so," said Mr. Dooley. "Think what?" " How do I know ? " said Mr. Dooley. " How do I know what I think? I'm no combi-nation iv chemist, doctor, osteologist, polisman, an' sausage-maker, that I can give ye an opinion right off th' bat. A man needs to be all iv thim things to detarmine annything about a murdher trile in these days. This shows how intelligent our methods is, as Hogan says. A large Ger- man man is charged with puttin' his wife away into a breakfas'-dish, an* he says he didn't do it. Th' on'y question, thin, is, Did or did not Alphonse Lootgert stick Mrs. L. into a vat, an' rayjooce her to a quick lunch ? Am I right ? " 142 MR. DOOLEY " Ye ar-re," said Mr. Hennessy. " That's simple enough. What th' coort ought toVe done was to call him up, an' say : c Lootgert, where's ye'er good woman ? ' If Lootgert cudden't tell, he ought to be hanged on gin'ral principles ; f 'r a man must keep his wife around th' house, an' whin she isn't there, it shows he's a poor provider. But, if Lootgert says, ' I don't know where me wife is,' the coort shud say : c Go out, an' find her. If ye can't projooce her in a week, I'll fix ye.' An' let that be th' end iv it. " But what do they do ? They get Loot- gert into coort an' stand him up befure a gang iv young rayporthers an' th' likes iv thim to make pitchers iv him. Thin they summon a jury composed iv poor tired, sleepy expressmen an' tailors an' clerks. Thin they call in a profissor from a colledge. c Profissor,' says th' lawyer f 'r the State, c I put it to ye if a wooden vat three hundherd an' sixty feet long, twenty-eight feet deep, an' sivinty-five feet wide, an' if three hundherd pounds iv caustic soda boiled, an' if the leg ON EXPERT TESTIMONY 143 iv a guinea pig, an' ye said yestherdah about bi-carbonate iv soda, an' if it washes up an* washes over, an* th' slimy, slippery stuff, an' if a false tooth or a lock iv hair or a jawbone or a goluf ball across th' cellar eleven feet nine inches that is, two inches this way an' five gallons that ? ' c I agree with ye intirely,' says th' profissor. c I made lab'ratory ex- periments in an' ir'n basin, with bichloride iv gool, which I will call soup-stock, an' coal tar, which I will call ir'n filings. I mixed th' two over a hot fire, an' left in a cool place to harden. I thin packed it in ice, which I will call glue, an* rock-salt, which I will call fried eggs, an' obtained a dark, queer solution that is a cure f 'r freckles, which I will call anti- mony or doughnuts or annything I blamed please.' "'But,' says th' lawyer f'r th' State, * measurin' th' vat with gas, an' I lave it to ye whether this is not th' on'y fair test, an' supposin* that two feet acrost is akel to tin feet sideways, an' supposin' that a thick green an' hard substance, an' I daresay it 144 MR. DOOLEY wud; an' supposin' you may, takin' into account th' measuremints, twelve be eight, th' vat bein' wound with twine six inches fr'm th' handle an' a rub iv th' green, thin ar-re not human teeth often found in coun- thry sausage?' c In th' winter,' says th' profissor. c But th' sisymoid bone is some- times seen in th' fat, sometimes worn as a watch-charm. I took two sisymoid bones, which I will call poker dice, an' shook thim together in a cylinder, which I will call Fido, poored in a can iv milk, which I will call gum arabic, took two pounds iv rough- on-rats, which I rayfase to call ; but th' ray- suit is th' same.' Question be th' coort: 'Different?' Answer: Tis a noble sport, an' I'm glad to see us Irish ar-re gettin' into it. Whin we larn it thruly, we'll teach thim colledge joods fr'm th' pie belt a thrick or two." "We have already," said Mr. Hennessy. "They'se a team up in Wisconsin with a ON FOOTBALL 157 la-ad be th' name iv Jeremiah Riordan f 'r cap'n, an' wan named Patsy O'Dea behind him. They come down here, an' bate th' la-ads fr'm th' Chicawgo Colledge down be th' Midway." " Iv coorse, they did/ said Mr. Dooley. " Iv coorse, they did. An' they cud bate anny collection iv Baptists that iver come out iv a tank." ON THE NECESSITY OF MOD- ESTY AMONG THE RICH. "I WONDHER," said Mr. Hennessy, "if thim Hadley-Markhams that's goin' to give th' ball is anny kin iv th' aldherman ? " CC I doubt it," said Mr. Dooley. "I knowed all his folks. They're Monaghan people, an' I niver heerd iv thim marryin' into th' Hadleys, who come fr'm away be- yant near th' Joynt's Causeway. What med ye think iv thim ? " " I was readin' about th' Prowtestant minister that give thim such a turnin' over th' other night," said Hennessy. Then the Philistire went on : "It looks to me as though th' man was wr-rong, an' th' Had- ley-Markhams was right. Faith, th' more th' poor can get out iv th' r-rich, th' better f 'r thim. I seen it put just r-right in th' paper th' other day. If these people didn't let go iv their coin here, they'd take it away with thim to Paris or West Baden, Indiana, an' spind it instid iv puttin* it in circulation MODESTY AND THE RICH 159 amongst th' florists an' dhressmakers an' hackmen they'll have to hire. I believe in encouragin' th' rich to walk away fr'm their change. 'Tis gr-reat f 'r business." Mr. Dooley mused over this proposition some time before he said : "Years ago, whin I was a little bit iv a kid, hardly high enough to look into th' pot iv stirabout on th' peat fire, they was a rich landlord in our part iv Ireland ; an' he ownded near half th' counthryside. His name was Dorsey, Willum Edmund Fitz- gerald Dorsey, justice iv th' peace, mimber iv Parlymint. cc I'll niver tell ye how much land that man had in his own r-right. Ye cud walk f 'r a day without lavin' it, bog an' oat-field an' pasthure an' game presarves. He was smothered with money, an' he lived in a house as big as th' Audjitoroom Hotel. Manny's th' time I've seen him ride by our place, an' me father'd raise his head from th' kish iv turf an' touch his hat to th' gr-reat man. An' wanst or twict in th' 160 MR. DOOLEY month th' dogs'd come yelpm' acrost our little place, with lads follerin' afther in r-red coats ; f 'r this Dorsey was a gr-reat hunts- man, bad scran to his evil face. "He had th' r-reputation iv bein' a good landlord so long as th' crops come regular. He was vilent, it's thrue, an' 'd as lave as not cut a farmer acrost th' face with his whip f'r crossin' th' thrail iv th' fox; but he was liberal with his money, an', Hinnissy, that's a thrait that covers a multitude iv sins. He give freely to th* church, an' was as gin'rous to th' priest as to th' par- son. He had th' gintry f'r miles around to his big house f'r balls an' dinners an' huntin' meetin's, an' half th' little shop- keepers in th' neighborin' town lived on th' money he spent f'r th' things he didn't bring fr'm Dublin or London. I mind wanst a great roar wint up whin he stayed th' whole season in England with his fam'ly. It near broke th' townsfolk, an' they were wild with delight whin he come back an' opened up th' big house. MODESTY AND THE RICH 161 " But wan year there come a flood iv rain, an' th nex' year another flood, an' th' third year there wasn't a lumper turned up that wasn't blue-black to th' hear-rt. We was betther off than most, an' we suffered our share, Gawd knows ; but thim that was scrapin' th' sod f 'r a bare livin' fr'm day to day perished like th' cattle in th' field. "Thin come th' writs an' th' evictions. Th' bailiffs dhrove out in squads, seizin' cattle an' turnin' people into th' r-road. Nawthin' wud soften th' hear-rt iv Dorsey. I seen th' priest an' th' 'Piscopal ministher dhrivin' over to plead with him wan night; an' th' good man stopped at our house, comin' back, an' spent th' night with us. I heerd him tell me father what Dorsey said. ' Haven't I been lib'ral with me people?' he says. 'Haven't I give freely to ye'er churches ? Haven't I put up soup-houses an' disthrib- uted blankets whin th' weather was cold ? Haven't I kept th' shopkeepers iv th' town beyant fr'm starvin' be thradin' with thim an' stayin' in this cur-rsed counthry, whin, if I'd 162 MR. DOOLEY done what me wife wanted, I'd been r-runnin* around Europe, enj'yin' life? I'm a risidint landlord. I ain't like Kilduff, that laves his estate in th' hands iv an agint. I'm proud iv me station. I was bor-rn here, an' here I'll die; but I'll have me r-rights. These here people owes their rent, an* I'll get th' rent or th' farms if I have to call on ivry rig'mint fr'm Bombay to Cape Clear, an' turn ivry oat-field into a pasture f'r me cattle. I stand on th' law. I'm a just man, an' I ask no more thin what belongs to me.' " Ivry night they was a party on th' hill, a-n' th' people come fr'm miles around ; an* th' tinants trudgin' over th' muddy roads with th' peelers behind thim cud see th' light poorin' out fr'm th' big house an' hear Devine's band playin' to th' dancers. Th' shopkeepers lived in clover, an' thanked th' lord f'r a good landlord, an' wan that lived at home. But one avnin' a black man be th' name iv Shaughnessy, that had thramped acrost th' hills fr'm Galway just in time to rent f'r th' potato rot, wint and hid himself MODESTY AND THE RICH 163 in a hedge along th' road with a shotgun loaded with hardware under his coat. Dor- sey'd heerd talk iv the people bein' aggrieved at him givin' big parties while his bailiffs were hustlin' men and women off their hold- in's ; but he was a high-handed man, an* fool- ish in his pride, an* he'd have it no other way but that he'd go about without protec- tion. This night he rode alongside th' car- redge iv some iv his frinds goin' to th J other side iv town, an' come back alone in th' moonlight. Th' Irish ar-re poor marksmen, Hinnissy, except whin they fire in platoons ; but that big man loomin' up in th' moon- light on a black horse cud no more be missed thin th' r-rock iv Cashel. He niver knowed what hit him ; an' Pether th' Packer come down th' followin' month, an' a jury iv shopkeepers hanged Shaughnessy so fast it med even th' judge smile." " Well," said Mr. Hennessy, cc I suppose he desarved it; but, if I'd been on th' jury, I'd've starved to death befure I'd give th' verdict." 164 MR. DOOLEY " Thrue," said Mr. Dooley. "An' Dor- sey was a fool. He might Ve evicted twinty thousan' tinants, an' lived to joke about it over his bottle. 'Twas th' music iv th' band an' th' dancin' on th' hill an' th' lights th' Galway man seen whin he wint up th' muddy road with his babby in his arrums that done th' business f 'r Dorsey." ON THE POWER OF LOVE. "'TWAS this way/' said Mr. Hennessy, sparring at Mr. Dooley. " Fitz led his right light on head, thin he stuck his thumb in Corbett's hear-rt, an' that was th' end iv th' fight an* iv Pompydour Jim. I tol' ye how it wud come out. Th' punch over th' hear-rt done th' business." "Not at all," said Mr. Dooley. "Not at all. 'Twas Mrs. Fitzsimmons done th' busi- ness. Did ye see the pitcher iv that lady ? Did ye? Well, 'twud've gone har-rd with th' lad if he'd lost th' fight in th' ring. He'd have to lose another at home. I'll bet five dollars that th' first lady iv th' land licks th' champeen without th' aid iv a stove lid. I know it. "As me good frind, Jawn Sullivan, says, 'tis a great comfort to have little reminders iv home near by whin ye're fightin'. Jawn had none, poor lad ; an' that accounts f 'r th' way he wint down at last. Th' home in- floo-ence is felt in ivry walk iv life. Whin i66 MR. DOOLEY Corbett was poundin' th' first jintleman iv th' land like a man shinglin' a roof, th' first lady iv th' land stood in th' corner, cheerin' on th' bruised an' bleedin' hero. c Darlin' ' she says, c think iv ye'er home, me love. Think,' she says, c iv our little child larnin' his caddychism in Rahway, New Jersey,' she says. c Think iv th' love I bear ye,' she says, c an' paste him,' she says, c in th' slats. Don't hit him on th' jaw,' she says. c He's well thrained there. But tuck ye'er lovin' hooks into his diseased an' achin' ribs,' she says. c Ah, love ! ' she says, * recall thim happy goolden days iv our coortship, whin we walked th' counthry lane in th' light iv th' moon,' she says, c an hurl yer maulies into his hoops,' she says. c Hit him on th' slats ! ' An' Fitz looked over his shoulder an' seen her face, an' strange feelin's iv tendherness come over him ; an' thinks he to himself: c What is so good as th' love iv a pure woman ? If I don't nail this large man, she'll prob'ly kick in me head.' An' with this sacred sintimint in his heart he ON THE POWER OF LOVE 167 wint over an' jolted Corbett wan over th' lathes that retired him to th' home f 'r de- cayed actors. " 'Twas woman's love that done it, Hin- nissy. I'll make a bet with ye that, if th' first lady iv th' land had been in th' ring in- stead iv th' first jintleman, Corbett wudden't have lasted wan r-round. I'd like to have such a wife as that. I'd do th' cookin', an' lave th' fightin' to her. There ought to be more like her. Th' throuble with th' race we're bringin' up is that th' fair sect, as Shakespeare calls thim, lacks inthrest in their jooty to their husbands. It's th' business iv men to fight, an' th' business iv their wives f 'r to make thim fight. Ye may talk iv th' immyrality iv nailin' a man on th' jaw, but 'tis in this way on'y that th' wurruld increases in happiness an' th' race in strenth. Did ye see annywan th' other day that wasn't askin' to know how th' fight come out? They might say that they re-garded th' exhibition as brutal an* disgustin', but diwle a wan iv thim but was waitin' around th' corner f 'r 168 MR. DOOLEY th' ray turns, an' prayin' f 'r wan or th' other iv th' big lads. Father Kelly mentioned th' scrap in his sermon last Sundah. He said it was a disgraceful an* corruptin' affair, an* he was ashamed to see th' young men iv th' parish takin' such an inthrest in it in Lent. But late Winsdah afthernoon he came bust- lin' down th' sthreet. c Nice day,' he says. It was poorin' rain. c Fine,' says I. c They was no parade to-day,' he says. c No,' says I. 'Too bad,' says he; an' he started to go. Thin he turned, an' says he : c Be th' way, how did that there foul an' outhrajous affray in Carson City come out?' c Fitz,' says I, c in th' fourteenth.' c Ye don't say,' he says, dancin' around. c Good,' he says. C .I told Father Doyle this mornin' at breakfuss that if that red-headed man iver got wan punch at th' other lad, I'd bet a new cassock Oh, dear ! ' he says, c what am I sayin' ? ' c Ye're say in',' says I, c what nine-tenths iv th' peo- ple, laymen an' clargy, are sayin',' I says. c Well,' he says, C I guess ye're right.' he says. c Afther all,' he says, c an' undher all, ON THE POWER OF LOVE 169 we're mere brutes ; an' it on'y takes two lads more brutal than th' rest f 'r to expose th' sthreak in th' best iv us. Foorce rules th' wurruld, an' th' churches is empty whin th' blood begins to flow/ he says. c It's too bad, too bad,' he says. c Tell me, was Cor- bett much hurted ? ' he says." ON THE VICTORIAN ERA. " AR-RE ye goin' to cillybrate th' queen's jubilee ? " asked Mr. Dooley. "What's that?" demanded Mr. Hen- nessy, with a violent start. " To-day," said Mr. Dooley, " her gra- cious Majesty Victory a, Queen iv Great Britain an' that part iv Ireland north iv Sligo, has reigned f J r sixty long and tire- some years." " I don't care if she has snowed f 'r sixty years," said Mr. Hennessy. " I'll not cilly- brate it. She may be a good woman f 'r all I know, but dam her pollytics." "Ye needn't be pro-fane about it," said Mr. Dooley. " I on'y ast ye a civil ques- tion. F'r mesilf, I have no feelin' on th' subject. I am not with th' queen an* I'm not again her. At th' same time I corjally agree with me frind Captain Finerty, who's put his newspaper in mournin' f 'r th' ivint. I won't march in th' parade, an' I won't put anny dinnymite undher thim that does. I ON THE VICTORIAN ERA 171 don't say th' marchers an' dinnymiters ar-re not both r-right. 'Tis purely a question iv taste, an', as the ixicutive says whin both candydates are mimbers iv th' camp, * Pa- thrites will use their own discreetion.' "Th' good woman niver done me no har-rm ; an', beyond throwin' a rock or two into an orangey 's procission an' subscribin' to tin dollars' worth iv Fenian bonds, I've threated her like a lady. Anny gredge I iver had again her I burrid long ago. We're both well on in years, an' 'tis no use carrying har-rd feelin's to th' grave. About th* time th' lord chamberlain wint over to tell her she was queen, an' she came out in her nitey to hear th' good news, I was announced into this wurruld iv sin an' sorrow. So ye see we've reigned about th' same lenth iv time, an' I ought to be cillybratin' me di'mon' ju- bilee. I wud, too, if I had anny di'mon's. Do ye r-run down to Aldherman O'Brien's an' borrow twinty or thirty f'r me. " Great happenin's have me an' Queen Victorya seen in these sixty years. Durin' 172 MR. DOOLEY our binificent prisince on earth th' nations have grown r-rich an' prosperous. Great Britain has ixtinded her domain until th' sun niver sets on it. No more do th' original owners iv th' sile, they bein' kept movin' be th' polis. While she was lookin' on in England, I was lookin' on in this counthry. I have seen America spread out fr'm th' At- lantic to th' Pacific, with a branch office iv the Standard He Comp'ny in ivry hamlet. I've seen th' shackles dropped fr'm th' slave, so's he cud be lynched in Ohio. I've seen this gr-reat city desthroyed be fire fr'm De Koven Sthreet to th' Lake View pumpin' station, and thin rise felix-like fr'm its ashes, all but th' West Side, which was not burned. I've seen Jim Mace beat Mike McCool, an' Tom Allen beat Jim Mace, an' somebody beat Tom Allen, an' Jawn Sullivan beat him, an' Corbett beat Sullivan, an' Fitz beat Cor- bett; an', if I live to cillybrate me goold- watch-an'-chain jubilee, I may see some wan put it all over Fitz. " Oh, what things I've seen in me day an' ON THE VICTORIAN ERA 173 Victorya's ! Think iv that gran' procission iv lithry men, Tinnyson an* Longfellow an' Bill Nye an' Ella Wheeler Wilcox an' Tim Scanlan an' an' I can't name thim all : they're too manny. An' th' brave gin'rals, Von Molkey an' Bismarck an' U. S. Grant an' gallant Phil Shurdan an' Coxey. Think iv thim durin' me reign. An' th' invintions, th' steam-injine an' th' printin'-press an' th' cotton-gin an' the gin sour an' th' bicycle an' th' flyin'-machine an' th' nickel-in-th'-slot machine an' th' Croker machine an' th' sody fountain an' crownin' wur-ruk iv our civilization th' cash ray- gisther. What gr-reat advances has science made in my time an' Victorya's ! f 'r, whin we entered public life, it took three men to watch th' bar-keep, while to-day ye can tell within eight dollars an hour what he's took in. " Glory be, whin I look back fr'm this day iv gin'ral rejoicin' in me rhinestone jubilee, an' see what changes has taken place an 1 how manny people have died an' how much betther off th' wurruld is, I'm proud iv 174 MR. DOOLEY mesilf. War an' pestilence an' famine have occurred in me time, but I count thim light compared with th' binifits that have fallen to th' race since I come on th' earth." " What ar-re ye talkin' about ? " cried Mr. Hennessy, in deep disgust. " All this time ye've been standin' behind this bar ladlin' out disturbance to th' Sixth Wa-ard, an' ye haven't been as far east as Mitchigan Avnoo in twinty years. What have ye had to do with all these things ? " "Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I had as much to do with thim as th' queen." ON THE CURRENCY QUESTION. " THERE'S some tough knots in this here currency question," said Mr. McKenna. " A lot of things I don't quite catch." " Cough thim up," said Mr. Dooley. "I'm a reg'lar caddy chism iv coinage. Who made ye ? Gawd made me. Why did he make ye? F'r to know Him, love Him, an' sarve Him all me days. That's th' way iv th' caddychism I learned whin I was a la-ad behind a hedge ; but now 'tis : Who made ye? Ladenburg, Thalman an' Com- p'ny made me. Why did they make ye? F'r to know thim, love thim, an' sarve thim all me days. O-ho ! " "That's all r-right," said Mr. Thomas Larkin, the Kerry horseshoer, who was lean- ing over the cigar-case, reading what Mr. Lincoln, Mr. Blaine, Mr. Edward Atkinson, and Mr. Andrew D. White had to say in a small pamphlet. "That's all r-right, Martin. But ye're talkin' like a Populist an* an anarchist an* a big bullhead gen'rally. 176 MR. DOOLEY Ye bring up two or three Jew men, an' think Pr to scare us with thim. But look here. Supposin' a man comes into my place an' lays down on th' anvil a silver dollar, an' I give it a wallop with me hammer " " Thin," said Mr. Dooley, " ye're knockin' th' gover'mint." " How am I ? " said Mr. Larkin. " Niver mind now : I take this here silver dollar, an' I fetch it wan with me hammer. What happens ? " "Th' man that give ye th' dollar hands ye wan in th' nose," said Mr. Dooley. "Not at all, not at all," said Mr. Lar- kin. " I take this here mutilated an' disfig- ured an' bum dollar down to th' three-asury, an' I hand it in ; an' Carlisle says, c What kind iv an ol' piece iv mud is this ye're flingin' at me t ' he says. c Take it away : it's nawthin' to me.' " "True for you, Larkin," said Mr. Mc- Kenna. " You're on the right track. Car- lisle couldn't take it after you'd smashed it." ON THE CURRENCY 177 " But," said Mr. Dooley, " look here : if ye had th' free an* unlimited coinage iv sil- ver at a rat-io iv sixteen to wan, ye cud take this here mass iv silver down to Carlisle, an* say, 'Here, Jawn, give me a dollar'; an* he'd have to give it to ye." "A dollar of what?" said Mr. McKenna. " A dollar iv what ? " repeated Mr. Doo- ley. " A dollar iv what ? Man alive, don't ye know what a dollar is ? Carlisle'd hand him out a plunk, a case, a buck. He'd say, c Here, Larkin, ye Ye a dam fool to be mal- threatin* th' currincy iv yer adophted coun- thry, but I have to give ye a dollar because ye're a good fellow an' a frind iv Doo- ley's.'" "He wouldn't say anything of the kind," said Mr. McKenna. "He'd give Larkin fifty cents." " I'd push his face in if he did," said Mr. Larkin, warmly. "I 'mas good a ma-an as he is anny day. I'll have no man rob me." " But he wouldn't rob you," said Mr. Mc- Kenna. " Think of the purchasing power : 178 MR. DOOLEY you've got to always figure that out. A dol- lar you'd get then would be worth only half as much as it's worth now. It'd be a dollar like they run through the ringer down in Mexico." " How can wan dollar be worth on'y half as much as another dollar, if they're both dollars an' th' man that made thim is at la-arge?" answered Mr. Dooley. "Here's a dollar, an' here's a dollar. Wan akels th' other. Now you take this here dollar, an' come into my place. * Give me a brandy an' sody,' ye say. Thin what do I say ? " "You say you're just out of brandy and soda." " So I do, so I do. Thin you ask f 'r a little liquor with beer f 'r a chaser. An' I give it to ye. Ye lay down wan iv these here quartz dollars. I return eighty-five cints. Larkin comes in later, ordhers th' same thing, an' I give him th' same threat- ment. I play no fav-rites. Entertainmint f 'r man an' beast." " But, if we had free silver, you'd charge thirty cents for the drink," said Mr. McKenna. ON THE CURRENCY 179 " I wud not/' said Mr. Dooley, hotly. " I niver overcharged a man in my life, ex- cept durin' a campaign." "No one accuses you of overcharging," explained Mr. McKenna. " Everybody would charge the same. It'd be the regular price." " If it was," said Mr. Dooley, " they'd be a rivolution. But I don't believe it, Jawn. Let me tell ye wan thing. Whisky is th' standard iv value. It niver fluctuates ; an' that's funny, too, seein' that so much iv it goes down. It was th' same price fifteen cints a slug, two f 'r a quarther durin' the war ; an' it was th' same price afther the war. The day before th' crime iv sivinty-three it was worth fifteen cints : it was worth th' same th' day afther. Goold and silver fluctuates, up wan day, down another ; but whisky stands firm an* strong, unchangeable as th' skies, immovable as a rock at fifteen or two f 'r a quarther. If they want something solid as a standard iv value, something that niver is rajjooced in price, something ye can ex- i8o MR. DOOLEY change f 'r food an' other luxuries annywhere in th' civilized wurruld where man has a thirst, they'd move th' Mint over to th' in- ternal rivinue office, and lave it stay there." Both Mr. Larkin and Mr. McKenna were diverted by this fancy. "There's some good argumints on both sides iv th' quisthion," said the Kerry man. " I heerd a man be th' name of Doyle, a helper, compare money to th' human lungs." " Th' lung argumint is all right," said Mr. Dooley. " Th' whole currency question is a matther iv lungs." ON POLITICAL PARADES. MR. HENNESSY, wearing a silver-painted stove-pipe hat and a silver cape and carrying a torch, came in, looking much the worse for wear. The hat was dented, the cape was torn, and there were marks on Mr. Hen- nessy's face. "Where ye^been?" asked Mr. Dooley. " Ma-archin,' " said Mr. Hennessy. " Be th' looks iv ye, ye might have been th' line iv ma-arch f'r th' p'rade. Who's been doin' things to ye ? " " I had a currency debate with a man be th' name iv Joyce, a towny iv mine, in th' Audjiotoroom Hotel," said Mr. Hennessy. " Whin we got as far as th' price iv wheat in th' year iv th' big wind, we pushed each other. Give me a high glass iv beer. I'm as dhry as a gravel roof." u Well," said Mr. Dooley, handing over the glass, " ye're an ol' man ; an', as th' good book says, an ol' fool is th' worst yet. So I'll not thry to con-vince ye iv th' error iv 182 MR. DOOLEY ye'er ways. But why anny citizen that has things in his head shud dhress himself up like a sandwich-man, put a torch on his shoulder, an' toddle over this blessid town with his poor round feet, is more than I can come at with all me intelligence. " I agree with ye perfectly, Hinnissy, that this here is a crisis in our histhry. On wan hand is arrayed th' Shylocks an' th' pathrites, an' on th' other side th' pathrites an' th' arnychists. Th' Constitution must be up- held, th' gover'mint must be maintained, th' down-throdden farmer an' workin'man must get their rights. But do ye think, man alive, that ye're goin' to do this be pourin' lard ile frim ye'er torch down ye'er spine or thrippin' over sthreet-car tracks like a dhray-horse thryin' to play circus ? Is th' Constitution anny safer to-night because ye have to have ye'er leg amputated to get ye'er boot off, or because Joyce has made ye'er face look like th' back dure-step iv a German resthrant? "Jawnny Mack took me down in th 1 ON POLITICAL PARADES 183 afthernoon f'r to see th' monsthrous p'rade iv th' goold men. It was a glory ous specta- cle. Th' sthreets were crowded with goold bugs an' women an' polismin an' ambulances. Th' procission was miles an' miles long. Labor an' capital marched side be side, or annyhow labor was in its usual place, afther th' capitalists. It was a noble sight f'r to see th' employer iv workin'men marchin' ahead iv his band iv sturdy toilers that to rest thimsilves afther th' layboryous occupa- tions iv th' week was reelin' undher banners that dhrilled a hole in their stomachs or carryin' two-be-four joists to show their alle- gance to th' naytional honor. A man that has to shovel coke into a dhray or shove lumber out iv th' hole iv a barge or elevate his profession be carryin' a hod iv mort to th' top iv a laddher doesn't march with th' grace iv an antelope, be a blamed sight. To march well, a man's feet have to be mates ; an', if he has two left feet both runnin' sideways, he ought to have interference boots to keep him fr'm settin' fire to his knees. 184 MR. DOOLEY Whin a man walks as if he expected to lave a leg stuck in th' sthreet behind him, he has th' gait proper f'r half-past six o'clock th' avenin' befure pay-day. But 'tis not th' prance iv an American citizen makin' a glory ous spectacle iv himsilf." " They were coerced," said Mr. Hennessy, gloomily. " Don't ye believe it," replied the philoso- pher. "It niver requires coercion to get a man to make a monkey iv himsilf in a prisi- dintial campaign. He does it as aisily as ye dhrink ye'er liquor, an' that's too aisy. Don't ye believe thim lads with lumber ya-ards on their necks an' bar'ls on their feet was co- erced. There wasn't wan iv thim that wud- den't give his week's wages f 'r a chanst to show how many times he cud thrip over a manhole in a mile. No more co-erced than ye are whin ye r-run down town an' make an ape iv ye-ersilf. I see ye marchin' away fr'm Finucane's with th' Willum J. O'Briens. Th' man nex' to ye had a banner declarin' that he was no slave, 'Twa th* la-ad John- ON POLITICAL PARADES 185 son. He was r-right. He is no slave, an' he won't be wan as long as people have washin' to give to his wife. Th' man I see ye takin' a dhrink with had a banner that said if th' mines was opened th' mills would be opened, too. He meant be that, that if money was plenty enough f 'r him to get some without wur-rukin', he'd open a gin mill. An' ye ma-arched afther Willum J. O'Brien, didn't ye? Well, he's a good la-ad. If I didn't think so, I wudden't say it until I got me strenth back or cud buy a gun. But did Willum J. O'Brien march? Not Willie. He was on horseback; an', Hinnissy, if dollars was made out iv Babbit metal, an' horses was worth sixty-sivin cints a dhrove, ye cudden't buy a crupper." "Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "annyhow, I proved me hathred iv capital." " So ye did," said Mr. Dooley. " So ye did. An' capital this afthernoon showed its hatred iv ye. Ye ought to match blisters to see which hates th' worst. Capital is at home now with his gams in a tub iv hot 186 MR. DOOLEY wather ; an,' whin he comes down to-morrah to oppriss labor an* square his protisted notes, he'll have to go on all fours. As f 'r you, Hinnissy, if 'twill aise ye anny, ye can hang f 'r a few minyits fr'm th' gas fixtures. Did th' goold Dimmycrats have a p'rade ? " " No," said Mr. Hennessy. " But they rayviewed th' day procission fr'm th' Pammer House. Both iv thim was on th' stand." ON CHARITY. " BR-R-R ! " cried Mr. McKenna, entering stiffly and spreading his hands over the pot- bellied stove. " It's cold." "Where?" asked Mr. Dooley. "Not here." ' It's cold outside," said Mr. McKenna. "It was ten below at Shannahan's grocery when I went by, and the wind blowing like all possessed. Lord love us, but I pity them that's got to be out to-night." " Save ye'er pity," said Mr. Dooley, com- fortably. "It ain't cowld in here. There's frost on th' window, 'tis thrue for ye; an 1 th' wheels has been singin' th' livelong day. But what's that to us ? Here I am, an' there ye are, th' stove between us an' th' kettle hummin'. In a minyit it'll bile, an' thin I'll give ye a taste iv what'll make a king iv ye. "Well, tubby sure, 'tis thryin' to be dhrivin' a coal wagon or a sthreet-car ; but 'tis all in a lifetime. Th' difference between me i88 MR. DOOLEY an' th' man that sets up in th' seat thumpin' his chest with his hands is no more thin th' difference between him an' th' poor diwle that walks along behind th' wagon with his shovel on his shoulder, an' '11 thank th' saints f 'r th' first chanst to put tin ton iv ha-ard coal into a cellar f 'r a quarther iv a dollar. Th' lad afoot invies th' dhriver, an' th' dhriver invies me ; an' I might invy big Cleveland if it wasn't f 'r th' hivinly smell iv this here noggin. An' who does Cleveland invy? Sure, it'd be sacreliege f 'r me to say. " Me ol* father, who was as full iv sayin's as an almanac, used to sink his spoon into th' stirabout, an' say, * Well, lads, this ain't bacon an' greens an' porther; but it'll be annything ye like if ye'll on'y think iv th' Cassidys.' Th' Cassidys was th' poorest fam'ly in th' parish. They waked th' oldest son in small beer, an' was little thought of. Did me father iver ask thim in to share th' stirabout ? Not him. An' he was the kind- est man in th' wurruld. He had a heart in him as big as a lump iv turf, but he'd say, ON CHARITY 189 * Whin ye grow up, take no wan's sorrows to ye'ersilf,' he says. * 'Tis th' wise man that goes through life thinkin' iv himsilf, fills his own stomach, an* takes away what he can't ate in his pocket.' An' he was r-right, Jawn. We have throubles enough iv our own. Th' wurruld goes on just th' same, an' ye can find fifty men to say th' lit'ny f'r ye to wan that'll give ye what'll relieve a fastin' spit. Th' dead ar-re always pop'lar. I knowed a society wanst to vote a monyment to a man an' refuse to help his fam'ly, all in wan night. 'Tis cowld outside th' dure, ye say, but 'tis war-rum in here; an' I'm gettin' in me ol' age to think that the diff'rence between hivin an' hell is no broader " Mr. Dooley's remarks were cut short by a cry from the back room. It was unmis- takably a baby's cry. Mr. McKenna turned suddenly in amazement as Mr. Dooley bolted. " Well, in the name of the saints, what's all this?" he cried, following his friend into 190 MR. DOOLEY the back room. He found the philosopher, with an expression of the utmost sternness, sitting on the side of his bed, with a little girl of two or three in his arms. The phi- losopher was singing : Ar-rah rock-a-bye, babby, on th' three top : Whin th' wind blo-ows, th' cradle ull r-rock ; An', a-whin th' bough breaks, th' cradle ull fa-a-a-11, An* a-down ull come babby, cradle, an' all. Then he sang : In th' town iv Kilkinny there du-wilt a fair ma-aid, In th' town iv Kilkinny there du-wilt a fair ma-aid. She had cheeks like th' roses, an' hair iv th' same, An' a mouth like ripe sthrawburries burrid in crame. He rocked the child to and fro, and its crying ceased while he sang : Chip, chip, a little horse ; Chip, chip, again, sir. How manny miles to Dublin ? Threescure an' tin, sir. The little girl went to sleep on Mr. Doo- ley's white apron. He lifted her tenderly, ON CHARITY 191 and carried her over to his bed. Then he tiptoed out with an apprehensive face, and whispered : " It's Jawn Donahue's kid that wandherd away fr'm home, an' wint to sleep on me dure-step. I sint th' Dorsey boy to tell th' mother, but he's a long time gone. Do ye run over, Jawn, an' lave thim know." ON NANSEN. "I SEE," said Mr. Dooley, "that Doc Nansen has come back." "Yes," said Mr. McKenna. "It's a wonder he wouldn't stay till winter. ..If I was setting on an iceberg in latitude umpty- ump north of Evanston these days, they couldn't pry me off it with a crowbar. Not they." " He had to come back," explained Mr. Hennessy. " He got as far as he cud, an' thin he was foorced be th' inclimincy iv th' weather to return to his home in Feechoold, Norway." " To where ? " Mr. Dooley asked con- temptuously. " To Foocheeld, Norway," said Mr. Hen- nessy, with some misgivings. " Ye don't know what ye're talkin' about," retorted the philosopher. " Ye ought to go back to school an' study gee-ography. Th' place he come back to was Oostook, Nor- way, between Coopenhaagen an' an' Rogers Park." ON NANSEN 193 " Maybe ye're right," said Mr. Hennessy. " Annyhow, he come back, chased be a polar bear. It must iv been a thrillin' experience, leppin' fr'm iceberg to iceberg, with a polar bear grabbin' at th' seat iv his pants, an' now an' thin a walrus swoopin' down fr'm a three an' munchin' his hat." " What ta-alk have ye ? " Mr. Dooley de- manded. "A walrus don't fly, foolish man ! " "What does he do, thin?" asked Mr. Hennessy. " Go 'round on crutches ? " " A walrus," said Mr. Dooley, " is an ani- mal something like a hor-rse, but more like a balloon. It doesn't walk, swim, or fly. It rowls whin pur-suin' its prey. It whirls 'round an' 'round at a speed akel to a rail- road injine, meltin' th' ice in a groove behind it. Tame walruses are used be th' Eskee- myoos, th' old settlers iv thim parts, as lawn- mowers an' to press their clothes. Th' wild walrus is a mos' vicious animal, which feeds on snowballs through th' day, an' thin goes out iv nights afther artic explorers, which for-rms its principal diet. Theyse a gr-reat 194 MR. DOOLEY demand among walruses f'r artic explorers, Swedes preferred ; an' on account iv th' scarcity iv this food it isn't more than wanst in twinty years that th' walrus gets a square meal. Thin he devours his victim, clothes, collar-buttons, an' all." "Well, well," said Mr. Hennessy. "I had no idee they was that ferocious. I thought they were like bur-rds. Don't they lay eggs?" " Don't they lay eggs ? " Mr. Dooley re- plied. " Don't they lay eggs ? Did ye iver hear th' like iv that, Jawn ? Why, ye gaby, ye might as well ask me does a pianny lay eggs. Iv coorse not." " I'd like to know what the objict of these here arctic explorations is," interposed Mr. McKenna, in the interests of peace. " Th' principal objict is to get rid iv an over-supply iv foolish people," said Mr. Dooley. "In this counthry, whin a man be- gins f'r to see sthrange things, an' hitch up cockroaches, an' think he's Vanderbilt dhrivin' a four-in-hand, we sind him to what ON NANSEN 195 me ol' frind Sleepy Burk calls th' brain col- lege. But in Norway an' Sweden they sind him to th' North Pole, an' feed him to th' polar bears an' th' walruses. A man that scorches on a bicycle or wears a pink shirt or is caught thryin' to fry out a stick iv din- nymite in a kitchen stove is given a boat an' sint off to play with Flora an' Fauna in th' frozen North." "That's what I'd like to know," said Mr. Hennessy. " Who ar-re these Flora an' Fauna? I see be th' pa-aper that Doc Nansen stopped at Nootchinchoot Islands, an' saw Flora an' Fauna ; an' thin, comin' back on th' ice, he encountherd thim again." " I suppose," said Mr. Dooley, " ye think Flora an' Fauna is two little Eskeemy girls at skip-rope an' ' London bridge is fallin' down ' on th' icebergs an' glaziers. It's a pretty idee ye have iv th' life in thim parts. Little Flora an' little Fauna playin' stoop- tag aroun' a whale or rushin' th' can f 'r their poor tired father just home fr'm th' rollin- mills, where he's been makin' snow-balls f 'r 196 MR. DOOLEY th' export thrade, or engagin' in some other spoort iv childhood ! Go wan with ye ! " " But who are they, annyhow? " " I make it a rule in me life not to discuss anny woman's charac-ter," replied Mr. Doo- ley, sternly. "If Doc Nansen was off there skylarkin' with Flora an' Fauna, it's his own business, an' I make no inquiries. A lady's a lady, be she iver so humble ; an', as Shakespeare says, cursed be th' man that'd raise an ax to her, save in th' way iv a joke. We'll talk no scandal in this house, Hin- nissy." But, after his friend had gone, Mr. Dooley leaned over confidentially, and whispered to Mr. McKenna, " But who are Flora an' Fauna, Jawn ? " " I don't know," said Mr. McKenna. " It sounds mighty suspicious, annyhow," said the philosopher. " I hope th' doc'll be able to square it with his wife." ON A POPULIST CONVENTION. " KEEP ye'er eye on th' Pops, Jawn. They're gr-reat people an' a gr-reat pa-arty. What is their principles? Anny oP thing that th' other pa-arties has rijected. Some iv thim is in favor iv coining money out iv baled hay ran' dhried apples at a ratio iv six- teen to wan, an' some is in favor iv coinin' on'y th' apples. Thim are th' inflationists. Others want th' gover'mint to divide up the rivinues equally among all la-ads that's too sthrong to wurruk. Th' Pops is again th' banks an' again the supreme court an again havin' gas that can be blowed out be th' human lungs. A sthrong section is devoted to th' principal iv separatin' Mark Hanna fr'm his money. "A ma-an be th' name iv Cassidy, that thravels f 'r a liquor-house, was in to see me this mornin' ; an' he come fr'm Saint Looey. He said it beat all he iver see or heerd tell of. Whin th' con-vintion come to ordher, th' chairman says, * La-ads, we'll open pro- 198 MR. DOOLEY ceedin's be havin' th' Hon'rable Rube Spike, fr'm th' imperyal Territ'ry iv Okalahoma, cough up his famous song, " Pa-pa Cleve- land's Teeth are filled with Goold." ' c Mr. Chairman,' says a delegate fr'm New Mex- ico, risin' an' wavin' his boots in th' air, c if th' skate fr'm Okalahoma is allowed f 'r to belch anny in this here assimblage, th' dili- gates fr'm th' imperyal Territ'ry iv New Mex- ico'll lave th' hall. We have,' he says, ' in our mist th' Hon'rable Lafayette Hadley, whose notes,' he says, 'falls as sweetly on th' ear,' he says, ' as th' plunk iv hivin's rain in a bar'l,' he says. ' If anny wan has a hemor- rhage iv anthems in this hall, it'll be Lafe Hadley, th' Guthrie batsoon,' he says. 'Ye shall not,' he says, c press down upon our bleedin' brows,' he says, ' this cross iv thorns,' he says. 'Ye shall not crucify th' diligates fr'm th' imperyal Territ'ry iv New Mexico on this cross iv a Mississippi nigger an' Crow Injun fr'm Okalahoma,' he says. Thereupon, says me frind Cassidy, th' New Mexico diligation left th' hall, pursued be th' diligation from Okalahoma. ON A POPULIST CONVENTION 199 " Th' chairman knowed his business. * In ordher,' he says, * that there may be no dis- ordher,' he says, ' I will call upon th' im- peryal States/ he says, 'an Territ'ries,' he says, ' beginnin' with th' imperyal State iv Alabama,' he says, ' to each sind wan singer to th* platform,' he says, * f 'r to wring our hear-rts with melodies,' he says. ' Mean- time,' says he, ' pathrites who have differences iv opinyon on anny questions can pro-cure ex-helves be applyin' to th' sergeant-at- arms,' he says. ' Now,' he says, ' if th' gin- tleman fr'm th' imperyal State of Miz- zoury'll hand me up a cheek full iv his eatin' tobacco,' he says, 'we'll listen to Willyum G. Rannycaboo, th' boy melodjun iv th' imperyal State iv Alabama,' he says, 'who'll discoorse his well-known ballad, ' Th' Su- preme Court is Full iv Standard He,' he says. " Whin th' singin' had con-eluded, so me frind Cassidy says, th' chair announced that speakin' would be in ordher, an' th' con-vin- tion rose as wan man. Afther ordher had 200 MR. DOOLEY been enforced be th' sergeant -at -arms movin' round, an' lammin' diligates with a hoe, a tall man was seen standin' on a chair. F 'r some moments th' chairman was enable to call his name, but he fin'lly found a place to spill ; an' in a clear voice he says, ' F'r what purpose does th' gintleman fr'm the imperyal State iv Texas arise ? ' ' I arise,' says th' ma-an, ' f 'r th' purpose iv warnin' this con-vintion that we have a goold-bug in our mist,' he says. Cries iv * Throw him out ! ' * Search him ! ' * Hang him ! ' arose. * In wandhrin' through th' hall, I just seen a man with a coat on,' he says. Great excite- ment ensood, says me frind Cassidy; an' th' thremblin' victim was brought down th' aisle. 4 What have ye to say f 'r ye'ersilf ? ' demands th' chairman in thundhrin' tones. ' On'y this,' says th' goold-bug. ' I wandhered in here, lookin' f 'r frinds,' he says. ' I am not a goold-bug,' he says. ' I wear me coat,' he says, * because I have no shirt,' he says. * Gintlemen/ says th' chairman, * a mistake has been made,' he says. 'This here person, ON A POPULIST CONVENTION 201 who bears th' appearance iv a plutocrat, is all right underneath,' he says. * He's a dili- gate to th' silver convintion,' he says. * Go in peace,' he says. " Be this time 'twas gr-rowin' late, an' th' convintion adjourned. * Before ye lave,' says th' chairman, * I have to announce that on account iv th' chairman of the comity havin' been imprisoned in a foldin'-bed an' th' sicrity havin' mistook th' fire extinguisher f 'r a shower bath, they'll be no meeting' iv th' comity on rules till to-morrow night. Durin' th' interval,' he says, ' th' convintion'll continue ketch-as-ketch can,' he says." " Well," said Mr. McKenna, " to think of taking this here country out of the hands of William C. Whitney and Grover Cleveland and J. Pierpont Morgan and Ickleheimer Thalmann, and putting it in the hands of such men. What do you think about it ? " " I think," said Mr. Dooley, " that Cassidy lied" ON A FAMILY REUNION. " WHY aren't you out attending the reun- ion of the Dooley family ? " Mr. McKenna asked the philosopher. " Thim's no rel-ations to me," Mr. Dooley answered. " Thim's farmer Dooleys. No wan iv our fam'ly iver lived in th' counthry. We live in th' city, where they burn gas an' have a polis foorce to get on to. We're no farmers, diwle th' bit. We belong to th' industhreel classes. Thim must be th' Fer- managh Dooleys, a poor lot, Jawn, an' always on good terms with th' landlord, bad ciss to thim, says I. We're from Roscom- mon. They'se a Dooley family in Wixford an' wan near Ballybone that belonged to th' constabulary. I met him but wanst. 'Twas at an iviction ; an', though he didn't know me, I inthrajooced mesilf be landin' him back iv th' ear with a bouldher th' size iv ye'er two fists together. He didn't know me aftherwards, ayether. "We niver had but wan reunion iv th' ON A FAMILY REUNION 203 Dooley fam'ly, an' that was tin years ago. Me cousin Felix's boy Aloysius, him that aftherwards wint to New York an* got a good job dhrivin' a carredge f 'r th' captain iv a polis station, he was full iv pothry an' things ; an' he come around wan night, an' says he, ' D'ye know,' he says, ' 'twud be th' hite iv a good thing f 'r th' Dooleys to have a reunion,' he says. 'We ought to come together,' he says, * an' show the peo- ple iv this ward,' he says, ' how sthrong we are,' he says. * Ye might do it betther, me buck,' says I, * shovellin' slag at th' mills,' I says. ' But annyhow, if ye'er mind's set on it, go ahead,' I says, ' an' I'll attind to havin' th' polis there,' I says, * f 'r I have a dhrag at th' station.' " Well, he sint out letthers to all th' Ros- common Dooleys ; an' on a Saturdah night we come together in a rinted hall an' held th' reunion. 'Twas great sport f'r a while. Some iv us hadn't spoke frindly to each other f'r twinty years, an' we set around an' toP stories iv Roscommon an' its green 204 MR. DOOLEY fields, an' th' stirabout pot that was niver filled, an* th' blue sky overhead an* th' boggy ground undherfoot. * Which Dooley was it that hamsthrung th' cows? ' * Mike Dooley 's Pat.' ' Naw such thing : 'twas Pat Dooley's Mike. I mane Pat Dooley's Mike's Pat.' F'r 'tis with us as with th' rest iv our people. Ye take th' Dutchman : he has as manny names to give to his childher as they'se nails in his boots, but an Irishman has th' pick iv on'y a few. I knowed a man be th' name iv Clancy, a man fr'm Kildare. He had fifteen childher ; an', whin th' las' come, he says, c Dooley, d'ye happen to know anny saints? ' c None iv thim thrades here,' says I. c Why? ' says I. c They'se a new kid at th' house,' he says; c an', be me troth, I've run out iv all th' saints I knew, an', if some- wan don't come to me assistance, I'll have to turn th' child out on th' wurruld without th' rag iv a name to his back,' he says. " But I was tellin' ye about th' reunion. They was lashins iv dhrink an' story-tellin', an' Felix's boy Aloysius histed a banner he ON A FAMILY REUNION 205 had made with c Dooley aboo' painted on it. But, afther th' night got along, some iv us begun to raymimber that most iv us hadn't been frinds f'r long. Mrs. Morgan Dooley, she that was Molly Dooley before she married Morgan, she turns to me, an' says she, * 'Tis sthrange they let in that Hogan woman,' she says, that Hogan woman, Jawn, bein' th' wife iv her husband's brother. She heerd her say it, an' she says, * I'd have ye to undherstand that no wan iver come out iv Roscommon that cud hold up their heads with th' Hogans,' she says. c 'Tis not f r th' likes iv ye to slandher a fam'ly that's iv th' landed gintry iv Ireland, an' f'r two pins I'd hit ye a poke in th' eye,' she says. If it hadn't been f'r me bein' be- tween thim, they'd have been trouble; f'r they was good frinds wanst. What is it th' good book says about a woman scorned? Faith, I've forgotten. " Thin me uncle Mike come in, as rough a man as iver laid hands on a polisman. Felix Dooley was makin' a speech on th' 206 MR. DOOLEY vartues iv th' fam'ly. c Th' Dooleys/ says he, c can stand before all th' wurruld, an' no man can say ought agin ayether their honor or their integrity/ says he. c Th' man that's throwin' that at ye,' says me uncle Mike, c stole a saw fr'm me in th' year sivinty-frve.' Felix paid no attintion to me uncle Mike, but wint on, c We point proudly to th' motto, "Dooley aboo Dooley P river." c Th' saw aboo,' says me uncle Mike. * Th' Dooleys,' says Felix, c stood beside Red Hugh O'Neill ; an', whin he cut aff his hand, ' c He didn't cut it off with anny wan else's saw,' says me uncle Mike. * They'se an old sayin',' wint on Felix. c An' ol' saw,' says me uncle Mike. ' But 'twas new whin ye stole it.' " c Now look here,' says Aloysius, c this thing has gone far. enough. 'Tis an outrage that this here man shud come here f'r to in- sult th' head iv th' fam'ly.' c Th' head iv what fam'ly ? ' says Morgan Dooley, jumpin' up as hot as fire. c I'm th' head iv th' fam'ly,' he says, c be right iv histhry.' ON A FAMILY REUNION 207 'Ye're an ol' cow/ says me uncle Mike. c Th' back iv me hand an 1 th' sowl iv me fut to all iv ye/ he says. c I quit ye/ he says. c Ye're all livin' here undher assumed names' ; an' he wint out, followed be Morgan Dooley with a chair in each hand. "Well, they wasn't two Dooleys in th' hall'd speak whin th' meetin' broke up ; an' th' Lord knows, but I don't to this day, who's th' head iv th' Dooley fam'ly. All I know is that I had wan th' nex' mornin'." ON A FAMOUS WEDDING. " YE see, Jawn," he said " 'twas this way : The Jook iv Marlburrow is a young lad an' poor. Ye can't think of a jook bein' poor, but 'tis a fact that they'se many a wan iv thim that's carryin' th' banner at this min- yit. Hinnissy, if he had his rights, is Jook iv Munster; an' ye know what he's got. The Jook iv Marlburrow, whin he come out iv th' academy where they had him, he hadn't a cint to his name. Ne'er a wan. "They ain't manny jobs f'r a young jook. Th' thrade is limited; an' this here la-ad wint round night an* day lookin' f'r a sign, 'Wanted, a young jook, r-ready an' willin' to do light family jookin',' an' no sign did he see. He was in a bad way ; f'r the la-ad's father was dead, th' ol' jook. He was a fine bucko. He had a divorce fr'm his wife, an' marrid another ; an', whin he died, she marrid somewan else an' took the roly-boly with her. This was ha-ard on th' lad. ON A FAMOUS WEDDING 209 " But he come iv a noble race, an* wan that had reed burruds whin their betthers had snowballs. Did ye iver read histhry, Jawn ? Ye ought to. 'Tis betther thin th' Polis Gazette, an 1 near as thrue. Well, Jawn, this here young man come fr'm a gr-eat gin'ral, a fine-lookin' la-ad that had manny a mash in his day, an' niver lost money be wan iv thim. Ye'll find all about him in Casey's c Histhry iv English Misrule in Ire- land: Th' Story iv a Crime.' 'Tis good readin'. "Th' la-ad's father marrid a rich woman. So did his uncle. So ye see he was a natural bor-rn fi-nanceer. An' he begun to luk around him f'r what th' pa-apers calls a ' financee.' "He didn't have far to go. I dinnaw how he done it, whether th' Gander bilks asked him 'r he asked th' Ganderbilks. Annyhow, 'twas arranged. 'Twas horse an* horse be- tween thim. Th' Ganderbilks had money, an' he was a jook. They was wan divorce on each side. So they imported him over, 210 MR. DOOLEY what they call assisted immygration. He didn't come undher th' head iv skilled work- man. They must've classed him as a do- mestic servant. Th' first thing he done was to get himsilf arristed. A man be th' name iv Sweeney, there are some good Swee- neys, though it's a name I don't like on ac- count iv wan iv thim stealin' me fa-ather's grin'stone, a man be th' name iv Sweeney, a polisman, r-run him in f'r disordherly conduct. They got him out with a pull. Thin he sint f'r lawyers an' f'r his finan- cee's father, an' they settled down to talk business. c Well,' says Ganderbilk, ' how much d'ye want ? ' he says. c I '11 give ye a millyon.' c Goowan,' says th' jook, c I cud get that much marry in' some wan I knew.' c Thin how much d'ye want ? ' says Gander- bilk. < Well,' says th' jook, < th' castle has to be put in repair. Th' plumbin' is all gone to th' diwle, an' they'll have to be a new catch-basin put in,' he says. c Thin they'se calciminin' an' paper-hangin', well, call it tin millyons.' ( But what do I get out iv ON A FAMOUS WEDDING 211 it? ' says Gander bilk. c Have ye a ticket to th' church to see me marrid ? ' says th' jook. c No/ says his pappa-in-law. c Well, here's a couple/ says th' jook. ( Bring wan iv ye'er frinds with ye/ So Ganderbilk he coughed. They say th 1 jook was that poor he had to have his coat made out iv what was left over fr'm his pants, they do so. But he was at th' church bright an* early ; an' Gander- bilk he was there, too, standin' out on th' steps in th' cold, combin' his whiskers he wears a pair iv sluggers with his fin- gers. Afther awhile his daughter, the jook's financee, come along; an', seein' the jook, says she, c Pappa/ she says, c inthrojooce me to ye'er frind.' c Jook/ says Ganderbilk, c shake hands with me daughther. She's your's/ he says. An' so they were marrid. " Well, Jawn," said Mr. Dooley, becom- ing serious, " 'tis a dhroll wurruld, an' I sup- pose we've got to take th' jooks an' th' Ganderbilks with the r-rest. I'm goin' to a weddin' mesilf nex' week. Th' banns has been called between little Dalia Hogan an* 212 MR. DOOLEY big Tom Moran. They've been engaged f 'r three year, her wurrkin' in a box facthry an* him doin' overtime at th' blast. They've money enough to start, an* it'll not cost oP ma-an Hogan a cint. But, whin he spoke about it las' night, he cried as if his heart'd break." ON A QUARREL BETWEEN ENG- LAND AND GERMANY. MR. McKENNA was aware that a gentle feud had existed between Mr. Dooley and Mr. Schwartzmeister, the German saloon- keeper down Archey Road, for some years. It was based upon racial differences, but had been accented when Mr. Schwartzmeister put in a pool table. Of course there was no outburst. When the two met on the street, Mr. Dooley saluted his neighbor cor- dially, in these terms : " Good-nobben, Hair Schwartzmeister, an' vas magst too yet, me brave bucko ! " To which Mr. Schwartz- meister invariably retorted : cc Py chapers, Tooley, where you haf been all der time, py chapers ? " But this was mere etiquette. In the publicity of their own taverns they entertained no great regard for each other. Mr. Schwartzmeister said a friend of his had been poisoned by Mr. Dooley's beer, and Mr. Dooley confessed that he would rather go to a harness-shop for whiskey than to 214 MR. DOOLEY Mr. Schwartzmeister's. Consequently, Mr. McKenna was amazed to learn that Mr. Schwartzmeister had been entertained by the philosopher, and that they had paraded Archey Road arm-in-arm at a late hour. " Tubby sure he was/* said Mr. Dooley. "Tubby sure he was. Right where ye're standin' at this moment, me dhrinkin' beer an* him callin' f 'r hot Irish. c Make it hot/ he says. c Make it hot, me frind ; an 1 we'll make it hot f 'r th' British between us/ says Schwartzmeister. cc It come about this way : Ye see Willum Joyce come in, an* says he, c We've got thim.' c Sure/ says I. c We've the comity- man, haven't we ? ' c Th' Dutch is with us/ he says. c I mane the Germans is our frinds.' c Ye're goin' too far there/ says I. c Stuckart was again Reed las' spring.' c No, no/ says Willum Joyce, he says. c Th' Germans is up in ar-rms again th' Sassenach/ he says. c Mind ye/ he says, c mind ye/ he says, c 'tis our jooty to be frindly with th' Germans/ he says. 'I'm ON ENGLAND AND GERMANY 215 now on me way Pr to organ-ize a camp iv me Dutch frinds down be th' slough/ he says. An* off he goes. " 'Twas not long afther whin I heerd a man singin' Th' Wearin' iv th' Green ' down th' sthreet, an* in come Schwartz- meister. c Faugh a ballagh/ says he, meanin' to be polite. c Lieb vaterland/ says I. An' we had a dhrink together. " c Veil/ says he (ye know th' murdhrin' way he has iv speakin'), c here we are/ he says, c frinds at las'.' c Thrue f 'r ye/ says I. c Tooley/ he says, f 'r he calls me that, c we're wan to-night, alretty/ he says. c We are that/ says I. c But, glory be, who iver thought th' Irish'd live to see th' day whin they'd be freed be th' Dutch? Schwartz, me lieber frind/ I says, ' here's a health to th' imp'ror, hock/ says I. < Slanthu/ says he ; an' we had wan. " c 'Twud be a great combination/ says I. c We'd carry th' wa-ard be th' biggest ma- jority iver heerd iv,' I says. c We wud so/ says he. c I'd be aldherman.' 'Afther me/ 216 MR. DOOLEY says I. c 'Tis my turn first/ I says. c I don't know about that/ says he. c Now/ says I, c look here, Schwartzmeister/ I says. 'This here arrangement between Germany an* Ireland has got to be brought down to th' Sixth Wa-ard/ I says. c Do ye f 'rgive th' way we done ye in th' beer rites ? ' I says. c I do/ says he. c They was befure me time/ 'Well/ says I, 'are ye sure ye can get over th' whalin' ye got whin th' Sarsfield Fife an' Dhrum Corpse met th' Frederick Willum Picnic Band ? ' I says. c I do/ says he. 'An' ye have no har-rd feelin' about th' way th' bridges has been give Out ? ' c Not a thrace/ says he. c Well/ says I, c Schwartz/ I says, they'se wan thing more/ I says. c We're both pathrites/ I says. c We have a common cause/ I says. c Ye're a Dutch- man, an' I'm iv' th' other sort/ I says. c But we're both again th' Sassenach/ I says. c An' in th' inthrests iv th' freedom iv Ireland/ I says, c I f 'rgive ye th' pool table.' "Well, sir, Jawn, he wept like a child. * Tooley/ he says, c we'll march side be side/ ON ENGLAND AND GERMANY 217 he says. c Both iv us in th' front rank/ he says. c Aldherman Tooley an* Aldherman Schwartzmeister, to free Ireland/ he says. c But where does Germany come in ? ' he says. c Germany! ' says I, c Germany! Well, we'll take care iv Germany, all right. We'll let Germans into th' prim'ries/ I says. An* there an' thin we formed th' Sarsfield-an'- Gatty camp. Gatty is a German frind iv Schwartzmeister. We shook dice to see which name'd come first. Ireland won. They was my dice. " I learned Schwartzmeister th' Shan-van- Voght before we was through ; an' I've got th' German naytional chune be heart, c lch vice nit wauss allus bay doitan'. What'll ye have to drink, Jawn ? " And, as Mr. McKenna went out, he heard his friend muttering : " Freed be th' Dutch ! Freed be the Dutch ! An' we niver give thim so much as a dillygate." ON ORATORY IN POLITICS. " I MIND th' first time Willum J. O'Brien r-run f'r office, th' Ray publicans an' th' Indypindants an' th' Socialists an' th' Prohy- bitionist (he's dead now, his name was Lar- kin) nommynated a young man be th' name iv Dorgan that was in th' law business in Halsted Sthreet, near Cologne, to r-run again' him. Smith O'Brien Dorgan was his name, an' he was wan iv th' most iloquint young la-ads that iver made a speakin' thrumpet iv his face. He cud holler like th' impire iv a base-ball game ; an', whin he delivered th' sintimints iv his hear-rt, ye'd think he was thryin' to confide thim to a man on top iv a high buildin'. He was prisidint iv th' lithry club at th' church; an* Father Kelly tol' me that, th' day afther he won th' debate on th' pen an' th' soord in favor iv th' pen, they had to hire a car- penter to mend th' windows, they'd sagged so. They called him th' boy or-rator iv Healey's slough. ON ORATORY IN POLITICS 219 "He planned th' campaign himsilf. c I'll not re-sort/ says he, c to th' ordin'ry meth- ods/ he says. c Th' thing to do/ he says, 'is to prisint th' issues iv th' day to th' voters/ he says. * I'll burn up ivry precin't in th' ward with me iloquince/ he says. An' he bought a long black coat, an' wint out to spread th' light. "He talked ivry where. Th' people jammed Finucane's Hall, an' he tol' thim th' time had come f 'r th' masses to r-rise. c Raymimber/ says he, c th' idees iv No- vimb'r/ he says. ( Raymimber Demosthens an' Cicero an' Oak Park/ he says. c Ray- mimber th' thraditions iv ye'er fathers, iv Washin'ton an' Jefferson an' Andhrew Jack- son an' John L. Sullivan/ he says. c Ye shall not, Billy O'Brien/ he says, 'crucify th' voters iv th' Sixth Ward on th' double cross/ he says. He spoke to a meetin' in Deerin' Sthreet in th' same wuruds. He had th' sthreet-car stopped while he coughed up ree- marks about th' Constitution until th' bar-rn boss sint down an' threatened to discharge 220 MR. DOOLEY Mike Dwyer that was dhrivin' wan hun- dherd an* eight in thim days, though thrans- ferred to Wintworth Avnoo later on. He made speeches to polismin in th' squadroom an* to good la-ads hoistin' mud out iv th' dhraw at th' red bridge. People'd be settin' quite in th' back room playin' forty-fives whin Smith O'Brien Dorgan'd burst in, an' addhress thim on th' issues iv th' day. "Now all this time Bill O'Brien was campaignin' in his own way. He niver med wan speech. No wan knew whether he was f'r a tariff or again wan, or whether he sthud be Jefferson or was knockin' him, or whether he had th' inthrests iv th' toilin' masses at hear-rt or whether he wint to mass at all, at all. But he got th' superintindint iv th' rollin'-mills with him ; an' he put three or four good faml'ies to wurruk in th' gas-house, where he knew th' main guy, an' he made reg'lar calls on th' bar-rn boss iv th' sthreet-ca-ars. He wint to th' picnics, an' hired th' or-chesthry f'r th' dances, an' voted himsilf th' most pop'lar man at th' ON ORATORY IN POLITICS 221 church fair at an expinse iv at laste five hundherd dollars. No wan that come near him wanted f 'r money. He had headquar- thers in ivry saloon fr'm wan end iv th' ward to th' other. All th' pa-apers printed his pitcher, an' sthud by him as th' frind iv th' poor. "Well, people liked to hear Dorgan at first, but afther a few months they got on- aisy. He had a way iv breakin' into festive gatherin's that was enough to thry a saint. He delayed wan prize fight two hours, en- couragin' th' voters prisint to stand be their principles, while th' principles sat shiverin' in their cor-rners until th' polis r-run him out. It got so that men'd bound into alleys whin he come up th' sthreet. People in th' liquor business rayfused to let him come into their places. His fam'ly et in th' coal-shed f 'r fear iv his speeches at supper. He wint on talkin', and Willum J. O'Brien wint on handin' out th' dough that he got fr'm th' gas company an' con-ciliatin' th' masses ; an', whin iliction day come, th' judges an' clerks 222 MR. DOOLEY was all f 'r O'Brien, an* Dorgan didn't get votes enough to wad a gun. He sat up near all night in his long coat, makin' speeches to himsilf ; but tord mornin' he come over to my place where O'Brien sat with his la-ads. Well/ says O'Brien, c how does it suit ye?' he says. c It's sthrange,' says Dorgan. c Not sthrange at all,' says Willum J. O'Brien. c Whin ye've been in politics as long as I have, ye'll know,' he says, c that th' roly- boly is th' gr-reatest or-rator on earth,' he says. c Th' American nation in th' Sixth Ward is a fine people,' he says. c They love th' eagle,' he says, c on th' back iv a dollar,' he says. c Well,' says Dorgan, c I can't un- dherstand it,' he says. c I med as manny as three thousan' speeches,' he says. f Well,' says Willum J. O'Brien, c that was my ma- jority,' he says. ' Have a dhrink,' he says." ON CHRISTMAS GIFTS. THE approach of Christmas is heralded in Archey Road by many of the signs that are known to the less civilized and more pros- perous parts of the city. The people look poorer, colder, and more hopeful than at other times. The bakeries assume an old country appearance of gayety. The saloons are well filled. Also, if you have your eyes about you, you may catch a glimpse, now and then, through a frosted window-pane of a stunted Christmas tree, laden slenderly with glass balls and ropes of red popcorn, the work of painful hands after the childher are abed. Mr. Dooley knew Christmas was coming by the calendar, the expiration of his quarterly license, and Mr. Hennessy coming in with a doll in his pocket and a rocking- chair under his arm. " Prisints ? " said the philosopher. "Yis," said Mr. Hennessy. "I had to do it. I med up me mind this year that I wudden't buy anny Chris'mas prisints or 224 MR. DOOLEY take anny. I can't afford it. Times has been fearful ha-ard, an' a look iv pain comes over th' oP woman's face whin I hold out fifty cints fr'm me salary on Saturdah night. I give it out that I didn't want annything, but they'se so much scurryin' ar-round an' hidin' things whin I go in that I know they've got something f 'r me. I cudden't stand it no longer, so I wint down town to- night, down be Shekel an' Whooper's place, an' bought these things. This is a fine doll f 'r th' money." "It is," said Mr. Dooley, taking the doll and examining it with the eye of an art critic. "It closes its eyes, yis, an', bedad, it cries if ye punch it. They're makin' these things more like human bein's ivry year. An' does it say pap-pah an' mam-mah, I dinnaw? " " No," said Mr. Hennessy, " th' pap-pah an* mam-mah dolls costs too much." "Well," continued Mr. Dooley, "we can't have ivrything we want in this wurruld. If I had me way, I'd buy goold watches an* ON CHRISTMAS GIFTS 225 chains f 'r ivrybody in th' r-road, an' a few iv th' good Germans. I feel that gin'rous. But 'tis no use. Ye can't give what ye want. Ivry little boy ixpects a pony at Chris'mas, an* ivry little girl a chain an' locket ; an* ivry man thinks he's sure goin' to get th' goold-headed cane he's longed f 'r since he come over. But they all fin'lly land on rockin'-horses an' dolls, an' suspindhers that r-run pink flowers into their shirts an' tattoo thim in summer. An' they conceal their grief Chris'mas mornin' an' thry to look pleasant with murdher in their hearts. " Some wan has always give me a Chris'- mas prisint, though no wan has anny r-right to. But no wan iver give me annything I cud wear or ate or dhrink or smoke or curl me hair with. I've had flasks iv whisky give me, me that have lashin's iv whisky at me elbow day an' night; an', whin I opined thim, blue an' yellow flames come out an' some iv th' stuff r-run over on th' flure, an' set fire to th' buildin'. I smoke th' best five-cint see-gar that money can buy ; yet, 226 MR. DOOLEY whin a good frind iv mine wants to make me a prisint f 'r Chris'mas, he goes to a harness shop an' buys a box iv see-gars with excelsior fillin's an' burlap wrappers, an', if I smoked wan an* lived, I'd be arristed f 'r arson. I got a pair iv suspinders wanst fr'm a lady, niver mind her name, an' I wurruked hard that day ; an' th' decorations moved back into me, an' I had to take thim out with pumice stone. I didn't lose th' taste iv th' paint f 'r weeks an' weeks. " Wan year I wanted a watch more thin annything in th' wurruld. I talked watches to ivry wan that I thought had designs on me. I made it a pint to ask me frinds what time iv night it was, an' thin say, c Dear me, I ought to get a watch if I cud affoord it.' I used to tout people down to th' jooler's shop, an' stand be th' window with a hungry look in th' eyes iv me, as much as to say, c If I don't get a watch, I'll perish.' I talked watches an' thought watches an' dhreamed watches. Father Kelly rebuked me f'r bein' late f'r mass. ( How can I get there ON CHRISTMAS GIFTS 227 before th' gospil, whin I don't know what time it is ? ' says I. c Why don't ye luk at ye'er watch ? ' he says. c I haven't none,' says I. Did he give me a watch? Faith, he did not. He sint me a box iv soap that made me smell like a coon goin' to a ball in a State Sthreet ca-ar. I got a necktie fr'm wan rnan ; an', if I wore it to a meetin' iv th' Young Hebrews' Char' table Society, they'd've thrun me out. That man wanted me to be kilt. Another la-ad sint me a silk handkerchief that broke on me poor nose. Th' nearest I got to a watch was a hair chain that unravelled, an' made me look as if I'd been curryin' a Shetland pony. I niver got what I wanted, an I niver expect to. No wan does." " I'll get ye what ye want," said Mr. Hen- nessy, "if ye'll tell me what it is, an' it don't cost too much." " Will ye ? " said Mr. Dooley, eagerly. "I will," said Mr. Hennessy, "if 'tis within me means." "Ye're jokin'," said Mr. Dooley. 228 MR. DOOLEY " I'm not. I mane it." u Do ye, honest ? " " I do so." "Thin," said Mr. Dooley, "get me th 1 Audjitooroom. " I've wanted that to play with f 'r manny years." And Mr. Hennessy went away with the rocking-chair under his arm, the doll in his pocket, and dumb anger in his heart ON ANARCHISTS. a> Tis ha-ard bein' a king these days," said Mr. Dooley. " Manny's th' man on a throne wishes his father' d brought him up a cooper, what with wages bein' docked be parlymints an' ragin' arnychists r-runnin' wild with dinnymite bombs undher their ar-rms an' carvin'-knives in their pockets. " Onaisy, as Hogan says, is th' head that wears a crown. They'se other heads that're onaisy, too ; but ye don't hear iv thim. But a man gr-rows up in wan iv thim furrin* counthries, an' he's thrained f 'r to be a king. Hivin may've intinded him f 'r a dooce or a jack, at th' most ; but he has to follow th' same line as his father. 'Tis like pawn- brokin' that way. Ye niver heerd iv a pawnbroker's son doin' annything else. Wanst a king, always a king. Other men's sons may pack away a shirt in a thrunk, an' go out into th' wurruld, brakin' on a freight or ladin' Indyanny bankers up to a shell game. But a man that's headed f 'r a throne can't 2 3 o MR. DOOLEY r-run away. He's got to take th' job. If he kicks, they blindfold him an' back him in. He can't ask f 'r his time at th' end iv th' week, an' lave. He pays himsilf. He can't sthrike, because he'd have to ordher out th' polis to subjoo himsilf. He can't go to th' boss, an' say : c Me hours is too long an' th' wurruk is tajious. Give me me pay-check.' He has no boss. A man can't be indipindint onless he has a boss. 'Tis thrue. So he takes th' place, an' th' chances ar-re he's th' biggest omadhon in th' wurruld, an' knows no more about r-runnin' a counthry thin I know about ladin' an or- chesthry. An', if he don't do annything, he's a dummy, an', if he does do annything, he's crazy; an,' whin he dies, his foreman says : c Sure, 'tis th' divvle's own time I had savin' that bosthoon fr'm desthroyin' him- silf. If it wasn't f 'r me, th' poor thing'd have closed down the wurruks, an' gone to th' far-rm long ago.' An' wan day, whin he's takin' th' air, p'raps, along comes an Eyetalyan, an' says he, c Ar-re ye a king ? ' ON ANARCHISTS 231 c That's my name/ says his majesty. 'Betther dead/ says th' Eyetalyan; an* they'se a scramble, an' another king goes over th' long r-road. " I don't know much about arnychists. We had thim here wanst. They wint again polismen, mostly. Mebbe that's be- cause polismen's th' nearest things to kings they cud find. But, annyhow, I sometimes think I know why they're arnychists some- where, an' why they ain't in other places. It minds me iv what happened wanst in me cousin Terence's fam'ly. They was livin' down near Healey's slough in wan iv thim oP Doherty's houses, not Doherty that ye know, th' j'iner, a good man whin he don't dhrink. No, 'twas an ol' grouch iv a man be th' name iv Malachi Doherty that used to keep five-day notices in his thrunk, an' ownded his own privit justice iv th' peace. Me cousin Terence was as dacint a man as iver shoed a hor-rse ; an his wife was a good woman, too, though I niver took much to th' Dolans. Fr'm Tipperary, they was, an' 232 MR. DOOLEY too handy throwin' things at ye. An' he had a nice fam'ly growin' up, an' I niver knowed people that lived together more quite an' amyable. 'Twas good f 'r to see thim settin' ar-roun' th' parlor, Terence spellin' out th' newspaper, an* his good woman mendin' socks, an' Honoria play in' th' 'Vale iv Avoca ' on th' pianny, an' th' kids r-rowlin' on th' flure. " But wan day it happened that that whole fam'ly begun to rasp on wan another. Hon- oria'd set down at th' pianny, an' th' ol' man'd growl : ' F 'r th' love iv th' saints, close down that hurdy-gurdy, an* lave a man injye his headache ! ' An' th' good woman scolded Terence, an' th' kids pulled th' leg fr'm undher th' stove ; an', whin th' big boy Mike come home fr'm Omaha, he found none iv thim speakin' to th' others. He cud do nawthin', an' he wint f'r Father Kelly. Father Kelly sniffed th' air whin he come in ; an' says he, * Terence, what's th' matther with ye'er catch basin ? ' 'I dinnaw,' growled Terence. 'Well,' says Father Kelly, 'ye ON ANARCHISTS 233 put on ye'er hat this minyit, an' go out f 'r a plumber/ he says. c I'm not needed here/ he says. * Ye'er sowls ar-re all r-right,' he says ; * but ye'er systems ar-re out iv ordher,' he says. * Fetch in a plumber,' he says, * whilst I goes down to Doherty, an' make him think his lease on th' hereafther is defective,' he says." "Ye're right," said Mr. Hennessy, who had followed the argument dimly. " Iv coorse I'm right," said Mr. Dooley. " What they need over there in furrin' coun- thries is not a priest, but a plumber. 'Tis no good prayin' again arnychists, Hinnissy. Arnychists is sewer gas." ON THE DREYFUS CASE. " I SEE be th' pa-apers," said Mr. Dooley, " that Col. Hinnery, th' man that sint me frind Cap. Dhry-fuss to th' cage, has moved on. I sup-pose they'll give th' Cap a new thrile now." " I hope they won't," said Mr. Hennessy. " I don't know annything about it, but I think he's guilty. He's a Jew." "Well," said Mr. Dooley, " ye'er thoughts on this subject is inthrestin', but not con- clusive, as Dorsey said to th' Pollack that thought he cud lick him. Ye have a r-right to ye'er opinyon, an' ye'll hold it annyhow, whether ye have a r-right to it or not. Like most iv ye'er fellow-citizens, ye start impar- tial. Ye don't know annything about th' case. If ye knew annything, ye'd not have an opinyon wan way or th' other. They'se niver been a matther come up in my time that th' American people was so sure about as they ar-re about th' Dhryfuss case. Th' Frinch ar-re not so sure, but they'se not a ON THE DREYFUS CASE 235 polisman in this counthry that can't tell ye jus' where Dhry-fiiss was whin th' remains iv th' poor girl was found. That's because th' thrile was secret. If 'twas an open thrile, an' ye heerd th' tisti-mony, an' knew th' language, an' saw th' safe afther 'twas blown open, ye'd be puzzled, an' not care a rush whether Dhry-fiiss was naked in a cage or takin' tay with his uncle at th' Benny Brith Club. " I haven't made up me mind whether th' Cap done th' shootin' or not. He was cer- tainly in th' neighborhood whin th' fire started, an' th' polis dug up quite a lot iv lead pipe in his back yard. But it's wan thing to sus-pect a man iv doin' a job an' another thing to prove that he didn't. Me frind Zola thinks he's innocint, an' he raised th' divvle at th' thrile. Whin th' judge come up on th' bench an' opined th' coort, Zola was settin' down below with th' lawyers. c Let us pro-ceed,' says th' impar- tial an' fair-minded judge, c to th' thrile iv th' haynious monsther Cap Dhry-fuss,' he says. Up jumps Zola, an' says he in 236 MR. DOOLEY Frinch : c Jackuse,' he says, which is a hell of a mane thing to say to anny man. An* they thrun him out. c Judge/ says th' at- torney f 'r th' difinse, c an' gintlemen iv th' jury,' he says. c Ye're a liar,' says th' judge. c Cap, ye're guilty, an' ye know it,' he says. ( Th' decision iv th' coort is that ye be put in a cage, an' sint to th' Divvle's own island f 'r th' r-rest iv ye'er life,' he says. c Let us pro-ceed to hearin' th' tisti-mony,' he says. ( Call all th' witnesses at wanst,' he says, c an' lave thim have it out on th' flure,' he says. Be this time Zola has come back ; an' he jumps up, an', says he, c Jackuse,' he says. An' they thrun him out. " c Befure we go anny farther,' says th' lawyer f'r th' difinse, c I wish to sarve notice that, whin this thrile is over, I intind,' he says, ( to wait outside,' he says, c an' hammer th' hon'rable coort into an omelet,' he says. c With these few remarks I will close,' he says. c Th' coort,' says th' judge, ' is always r-ready to defind th' honor iv France,' he says ; c an', if th' larned counsel will con-sint,' ON THE DREYFUS CASE 237 he says, ' to step up here f'r a minyit/ he says, c th' coort'll put a sthrangle hold on him that'll not do him a bit iv good/ he says. c Ah!'he says. 'Here's me ol' frind Pat th' Clam/ he says. c Pat, what d'ye know about this case ? ' he says. c None iv ye'er business/ says Pat. 'Answered like a man an* a sojer/ says th' coort. c Jackuse/ says Zola fr'm th' dureway. An' they thrun him out. c Call Col. Hinnery/ says th' coort. c He ray-fuses to answer.' c Good. Th' case is clear. Cap forged th' will. Th' coort will now adjourn f'r dools, an' all ladin' officers iv th' ar-rmy not in disgrace already will assimble in jail, an' com-mit suicide,' he says. c Jackuse/ says Zola, an' started f'r th' woods, pursued be his fellow- editors. He's off somewhere in a three now hollerin' c Jackuse' at ivry wan that passes, sufferin' martyrdom f'r his counthry an' writin' now an' thin about it all. " That's all I know about Cap Dhry-fuss' case, an' that's all anny man knows. Ye didn't know as much, Hinnissy, till I told 238 MR. DOOLEY ye. I don't know whether Cap stole th' dog or not." " What's he charged with ? " Mr. Hen- nessy asked, in bewilderment. "I'll niver tell ye," said Mr. Dooley. "It's too much to ask." "Well, annyhow," said Mr. Hennessy, "he's guilty, ye can bet on that." ON THE DECADENCE OF GREECE. "THAT young Hogan is a smart la-ad," said Mr. Dooley. "A smart la-ad an* a good wan, too/' " None betther," said Mr. Hennessy. "None betther in th' ward," said Mr. Dooley, which was a high appreciation. " But there ar-re things about human nature an' histhry that ain't taught at Saint Igna- teeus'. I tell thim to Hogan's la-ad. " He was walkin' be th' store wan day las' week, an' I ast him how th' wa-ar wint. 'Tis sthrange, with churches two in a block, an' public schools as thick as lamp-posts, that, whin a man stops ye on th' sthreet, he'll ayether ast ye th' scoor iv th' base-ball game or talk iv th' Greek war with ye. I ain't seen annything that happened since Par- nell's day that's aroused so much enthusyasm on th' Ar-rchey Road as th' Greek war. c How goes th' war ? ' says I to young Hogan, c How goes the war between th' 240 MR. DOOLEY ac-cursed infidel an' th' dog iv a Christian ? ' I says. c It goes bad/ he says. < Th' Greeks won a thremenjous battle, killin' manny millions iv th' Moslem murdherers, but was obliged to retreat thirty-two miles in a gallop/ c Is that so ? ' says I. c Sure that seems to be their luck/ I says. c Whin- iver they win, they lose ; an', whin they lose, they lose/ I says. c What ails thim ? ' I says. c Is th' riferee again thim ? ' c I can't make it out,' he says, while a tear sthud in his eye. c Whin I think iv Leonidas at th' pass iv Thermometer/ he says, c an' So-an'- so on th' field iv Marathon an' This-or-that th' Spartan hero/ he says, c I cannot undher- stand f 'r th' life iv me why th' Greeks shud have been dhruv fr'm pillar to post be an ar-rmy iv slaves. Didn't Leonidas, with hardly as manny men as there are Raypub- licans in this precint, hold th' pass again a savage horde ? ' he says. c He did/ says I. c He did.' ' An' didn't What's-his-name on th' field iv Marathon overcome an' desthroy th' ravagin' armies iv Persia ? ' he says. ON GREECE 241 c Thrue f ' r ye/ says I. c There's no doubt in th' wurruld about it/ I says. c An' look at Alexander th' Great/ he says. c Aleck was a turror, an* no mistake/ says I. c An' Miltiades/ he says. ' I on'y know what I hear iv him/ says I. ' But fr'm all accounts he must have been consid'rable iv a fellow/ says I. c An' in later days Marco Boozaris/ he says. c He was th' man that come in con-sumption's dreaded form/ says I, c an' he was afraid iv no man/ c Well, thin/ says he, c how ar-re we to account f 'r this dis- grace ? ' he says. " c Well/ says I, 'd'ye raymimber th' fightin' tenth precint? Ye must've heerd ye'er father tell about it. It was famous f 'r th' quality an' quantity iv th' warfare put up in it. Ivry man in th' tenth precint cud fight his weight in scrap-iron. Most iv thim come fr'm th' ancient Hellenic province iv May-o ; but they was a fair sprinklin' iv Greek heroes fr'm Roscommon an' Tipper- ary, an' a few from th' historic spot where th' Head iv Kinsale looks out on th' sea, an* th' 242 MR. DOOLEY sea looks up at th' Head iv Kinsale. Th' little boys cud box before they was out iv skirts. Far an* wide, th' tenth precint was th' turror iv its inimies. Ye talk about Le- onidas an' th' pass iv Thermometer. Ye ought to've seen Mike Riordan an' his fam'ly defindin' th' pollin'-place whin Eddie Burke's brigade charged it wan fine day. That hero sthud f 'r four hours in th' dure- way, ar-rmed on'y with a monkey-wrinch, an* built a wall iv invaders in frint iv him till th' judges cud dig their way out through th' cellar, an* escape to th' polis station. " c F'r manny years th' tenth precint was th' banner precint iv th' Sixth Wa-ard, an' its gallant heroes repelled all attacks by land or Healey's slough. But, as time wint by, changes come over it. Th' Hannigans an' Leonidases an' Caseys moved out, havin' made their pile. Some iv th' grandest iv th' heroes died, an' their fam'lies were broke up. Polish Jews an' Swedes an' Germans an' Hollanders swarmed in, settlin' down on th' sacred sites,' I says. c Wan night three years ON GREECE 243 ago, a band iv rovin' Bohemians fr'm th' Eighth Ward come acrost th' river, kickin' over bar'ls an' ash-boxes, an' swooped down on th' tenth precint. Mike Riordan, him that kept th' pollin'-place in th' good days iv old, was th' on'y wan iv th' race iv ancient heroes on earth. He thried to rally th' in- gloryous descindants iv a proud people. F'r a while they made a stand in Halsted Sthreet, an' shouted bad but difficult names at th' infidel hordes, an' threw bricks that laid out their own people. But it was on'y f 'r a mo- ment. In another they tur-rned an' r-run, lavin' Mike Riordan standin' alone in th' mist iv th' fray. If it wasn't f'r th' inter- vintion iv th' powers in th' shape iv th' loot an' a wagon-load iv polismin, th' Bohe- mians'd have devastated as far as th' ruins iv th' gas-house, which is th' same as that there Acropulist ye talk about,' says I. " c No, my son,' says I. c On account iv th' fluctuations in rint an' throuble with th' landlord it's not safe to presoom that th' same fam'ly always lives in th' wan house. 244 MR. DOOLEY Th' very thing happened to Greece that has happened to th' tenth precint iv th' Sixth Ward. Th' Greeks have moved out, an' th' Swedes come in. Ye yet may live to see th' day,' says I, c whin what is thrue iv Athens an' th' tenth precint will be thrue iv th' whole Sixth Wa-ard.' " "Ye don't mean that," said Mr. Hen- nessy, gasping. " I do," said Mr. Dooley, with solemnity. " 'Tis histhry." ON THE INDIAN WAR. " GIN'RAL SHERMAN was wan iv th' smart- est men we iver had," said Mr. Dooley. "He said so manny bright things. 'Twas him said, c War is hell ' ; an' that's wan iv th' finest savin's I know annything about. c War is hell ' : 'tis a thrue wurrud an' a fine sintiment. An' Gin'ral Sherman says, c Th' on'y good Indyun is a dead Indyun. An' that's a good sayin', too. So, be th' powers, we've started in again to improve th' race ; an', if we can get in Gatlin' guns enough before th' winter's snows, we'll tur-rn thim Chippeways into a cimitry branch iv th' Young Men's Christy an Association. We will so. " Ye see, Hinnissy, th' Indyun is bound f 'r to give way to th' onward march iv white civilization. You an' me, Hinnissy, is th' white civilization. I come along, an' I find ol' Snakes-in-his-Gaiters livin' quite an' da- cint in a new frame house. Thinks I, c 'Tis a shame f 'r to lave this savage man in pos- 246 MR. DOOLEY session iv this fine abode, an* him not able f 'r to vote an* without a frind on th' polis foorce.' So says I: c Snakes/ I says, c get along/ says I. ( I want ye'er house, an' ye best move out west iv th' thracks, an* dig a hole f'r ye'ersilf/ I says. c Divvle th' fut I will step out iv this house/ says Snakes. c I built it, an' I have th' law on me side/ he says. c F 'r why should I take Mary Ann, an* Terence, an' Honoria, an' Robert Immitt Snakes, an' all me little Snakeses, an' rustle out west iv th' thracks,' he says, c far fr'm th' bones iv me ancestors/ he says, c an be- yond th' water-pipe extinsion/ he says. c Because/ says I, c I am th' walkin' dilygate iv white civilization/ I says. c I'm jus* as civilized as you/ says Snakes. c I wear pants/ he says, c an' a plug hat/ he says. 'Ye might wear tin pair/ says I, c an' all at wanst/ I says, c an' ye'd still be a savage/ says I; c an' I'd be civilized/ I says, c if I hadn't on so much as a bangle bracelet/ I says. c So get out/ says I. c So get out/ says I, c f'r th' pianny movers is outside, r-ready to go to wurruk/ I says. ON THE INDIAN WAR 247 " Well, Snakes he fires a stove lid at me ; an* I go down to th' polls station, an' says I, c Loot/ I says, c they'se a dhrunken Indyun not votin' up near th' mills, an he's carryin' on outrageous, an' he won't let me hang me pitchers on his wall,' says I. c Vile savage,' says th' loot, c I'll tache him to rayspict th' rules iv civilization,' he says. An* he takes out a wagon load, an' goes afther Snakes. Well, me frind Snakes gives him battle, an', knowin' th' premises well, he's able to put up a gr-reat fight ; but afther a while they rip him away, an' have him in th' pathrol wagon, with a man settin' on his head. An' thin he's put undher bonds to keep the peace, an' they sind him out west iv th' thracks ; an' I move into th' house, an' tear out th' front an' start a faro bank. Some day, whin I get tired or th' Swedes dhrive me out or Schwartzmeister makes his lunch too sthrong f 'r competition, I'll go afther Snakes again. "Th' on'y hope f'r th Indyun is to put his house on rollers, an' keep a team hitched to it, an', whin he sees a white man, to start 248 MR. DOOLEY f'r th' settin' sun. He's rooned whin he has a cellar. He ought to put all th' plugged dollars that he gets from th' agent an 1 be pickin' blueberries into rowlin' stock. If he knew annything about balloons, he'd have a chanst ; but we white men, Hinnissy, has all th' balloons. But, annyhow, he's doomed, as Hogan says. Th' onward march iv th' white civilization, with morgedges an' other modhern improvements, is slowly but surely, as Hogan says, chasm' him out; an* th' last iv him'll be livin' in a divin'-bell somewhere out in th' Pac-ific Ocean." "Well," said Mr. Hennessy, the stout philanthropist, " I think so, an' thin again I dinnaw. I don't think we threat thim r-right. If I was th' gover'mint, I'd take what they got, but I'd say, c Here, take this tin-dollar bill an' go out an' dhrink ye'ersilf to death,' I'd say. They ought to have some show." "Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if ye feel that way, ye ought to go an/ inlist as an Indyun." ON GOLF. what's this game iv goluf like, I dinnaw?" said Mr. Hennessy, lighting his pipe with much unnecessary noise. " Ye're a good deal iv a spoort, Jawnny : did ye iver thry it?" " No," said Mr. McKenna. " I used to roll a hoop onct upon a time, but I'm out of condition now." "It ain't like base-ball," said Mr. Hen- nessy, "an* it ain't like shinny, an' it ain't like lawn-teenis, an' it ain't like forty-fives, an' it ain't" " Like canvas-back duck or anny other game ye know," said Mr. Dooley. "Thin what is it like?" said Mr. Hen- nessy. " I see be th' pa-aper that Hobart What-d'ye-call-him is wan iv th' best at it. Th' other day he made a scoor iv wan huri- dherd an' sixty-eight, but whether 'twas miles or stitches I cudden't make out fr'm th' raypoorts." " 'Tis little ye know," said Mr. Dooley. 250 MR. DOOLEY " Th' game iv goluf is as old as th' hills. Me father had goluf links all over his place, an', whin I was a kid, 'twas wan iv th' prin- cipal spoorts iv me life, afther I'd dug the turf f 'r th' avenin', to go out and putt " " Foot, ye mean," said Mr. Hennessy. "They'se no such wurrud in th' English language as putt. Belinda called me down ha-ard on it no more thin las' night." " There ye go ! " said Mr. Dooley, angrily. " There ye go ! D'ye think this here game iv goluf is a spellin' match ? 'Tis like ye, Hinnissy, to be refereein' a twinty-round glove contest be th' rule iv three. I tell ye I used to go out in th' avenin' an' putt me mashie like hell-an'-all, till I was knowed fr'm wan end iv th' county to th' other as th' cnampeen putter. I putted two men fr'm Roscommon in wan day, an' they had to be took home on a dure. "In America th' ga-ame is played more ginteel, an' is more like cigareet-smokin', though less onhealthy f 'r th' lungs. 'Tis a good game to play in a hammick whin ON GOLF 251 ye're all tired out fr'm social duties or shovellin' coke. Out-iv-dure golf is played be th' followin' rules. If ye bring ye'er wife f 'r to see th' game, an 1 she has her name in th' paper, that counts ye wan. So th' first thing ye do is to find th' raypoorter, an' tell him ye're there. Thin ye ordher a bottle iv brown pop, an' have ye'er second fan ye with a towel. Afther this ye'd dhress, an' here ye've got to be dam par- ticklar or ye'll be stuck f 'r th' dhrinks. If ye'er necktie is not on sthraight, that counts ye'er opponent wan. If both ye an' ye'er opponent have ye'er neckties on crooked, th' first man that sees it gets th' stakes. Thin ye ordher a carredge" "Order what?" demanded Mr. McKenna. "A carredge." "What for?" "F'r to take ye 'round th' links. Ye have a little boy followin' ye, carryin' ye'er clubs. Th' man that has th' smallest little boy it counts him two. If th' little boy has th' rickets, it counts th' man in th' carredge 252 MR. DOOLEY three. The little boys is called caddies ; but Clarence Heaney that toP me all this he belongs to th' Foorth Wa-ard Goluf an' Me- Kinley Club said what th' little boys calls th' players'd not be fit f'r to repeat. "Well, whin ye dhrive up to th' tea grounds " "Th' what?" demanded Mr. Hennessy. " Th' tea grounds, that's like th' home- plate in base-ball or ordherin' a piece iv chalk in a game iv spoil five. Its th' be-ginnin' iv ivrything. Whin ye get to th' tea grounds, ye step out, an' have ye're hat irned be th' caddie. Thin ye'er man that ye're goin' aginst comes up, an' he asks ye, ( Do you know Potther Pammer ? ' Well, if ye don't know Potther Pammer, it's all up with ye ' ye lose two points. But ye come right back at him with an' upper cut : ' Do ye live on th' Lake Shore dhrive ? ' If he doesn't, ye have him in th' nine hole. Ye needn't play with him anny more. But, if ye do play with him, he has to spot three balls. If he's a good man an' shifty on his feet, he'll ON GOLF 253 counter be askin' ye where ye spend th' summer. Now ye can't tell him that ye spent th' summer with wan hook on th' free lunch an* another on th' ticker tape, an* so ye go back three. That needn't discourage ye at all, at all. Here's yer chance to mix up, an' ye ask him if he was iver in Scotland. If he wasn't, it counts ye five. Thin ye tell him that ye had an aunt wanst that heerd th' Jook iv Argyle talk in a phonograph ; an,' onless he comes back an' shoots it into ye that he was wanst run over be th' Prince iv Wales, ye have him groggy. I don't know whether th' Jook iv Argyle or th' Prince iv Wales counts f'r most. They're like th' right an' left bower iv thrumps. Th' best players is called scratch-men." "What's that f'r?" Mr. Hennessy asked. " It's a Scotch game," said Mr. Dooley, with a wave of his hand. " I wonder how it come out to-day. Here's th' pa-aper. Let me see. McKinley at Canton. Still there. He niver cared to wandher fr'm his own fireside. Collar-button men f'r th' 254 MR. DOOLEY goold standard. Statues iv Heidelback, Ickleheimer an* Company to be erected in Washington. Another Vanderbilt weddin'. That sounds like goluf, but it ain't. New- port society livin' in Mrs. Potther Pammer's cellar. Green-goods men declare f 'r honest money. Anson in foorth place some more. Pianny tuners f'r McKinley. Li Hung Chang smells a rat. Abner McKinley sup- ports th' goold standard. Wait a minyit. Here it is : c Goluf in gay attire/ Let me see. H'm. ' Foozled his aproach,' nasty thing. c Topped th' ball/ 'Three up an' two to play/ Ah, here's the scoor. c Among those prisint were Messrs, an* Mesdames " " Hoi' on ! " cried Mr. Hennessy, grab- bing the paper out of his friend's hands. " That's thim that was there." "Well," said Mr. Dooley, decisively, " that's th' goluf scoor." ON THE FRENCH CHARACTER. " TH' Fr-rinch," said Mr. Dooley, " ar-re a tumulchuse people." " Like as not/* said Mr. Hennessy, " there's some of our blood in thim. A good manny iv our people wint over wanst. They cudden't allVe been kilt at Fontenoy." "No," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis another kind iv tumulchuse. Whin an Irishman rages, 'tis with wan idee in his mind. He's goin' for'ard again a single inimy, an' not stone walls or irne chains'll stop him. He may pause f 'r a dhrink or to take a shy at a polisman, f 'r a polisman's always in th' way, but he's as thrue as th' needle in th' camel's eye, as Hogan says, to th' objec' iv his hathred. So he's been f 'r four hundherd years, an' so he'll always be while they'se an England on th' map. Whin England pur- rishes, th' Irish'll die iv what Hogan calls ongwee, which is havin' no wan in the weary wurruld ye don't love. " But with th' Fr-rinch 'tis diff'rent. I 256 MR. DOOLEY say 'tis diffrent with th' Fr-rinch. They're an onaisy an' a thrubbled people. They start out down th' street, loaded up with obscenthe an' cigareets, pavin' blocks an' walkin' sthicks an' shtove lids in their hands, cryin', c A base Cap Dhry-fuss ! ' th' cap bein' far off in a cage, by dad. So far, so good. c A base Cap Dhry-fuss ! ' says I ; c an' the same to all thraitors, an' manny iv thim, whether they ar-re or not.' But along comes a man with a poor hat. c Where did he get th' hat ? ' demands th' mob. Down with th' bad tile!' they say. C A base th' lid ! ' An' they desthroy th' hat, an' th' man undher it succumbs to th' rule iv th' ma- jority an* jines th' mob. On they go till they come to a restaurant. c Ha,' says they, c th' resort iv th' infamious Duclose.' c His char-rges ar-re high,' says wan. ( I found a fish-bone in his soup,' says another. c He's a thraitor,' says a third. C A base th' soup kitchen ! A base th' caafe ! ' says they ; an' they seize th' unfortunate Duclose, an* bate him an' upset his kettles iv broth. THE FRENCH CHARACTER 257 Manetime where's Cap Dhry-fuss? Off in his comfortable cage, swingin' on th' perch an* atin' seed out iv a small bottle stuck in th' wire. Be th' time th' mob has de- sthroyed what they see on th' way, they've f'rgot th' Cap intirely; an* he's safe f'r another day. "'Tis unforch'nit, but 'tis thrue. Th' Fr-rinch ar-re not steady ayether in their politics or their morals. That's where they get done be th' hated British. Th' dif- f'rence in furrin' policies is the difference between a second-rate safe blower an' a first- class boonco steerer. Th' Fr-rinch buy a ton iv dinnymite, spind five years in dhrillin' a hole through a steel dure, blow open th' safe, lose a leg or an ar-rm, an' get away with th' li'bilities iv th' firm. Th' English dhress up f'r a Methodist preacher, stick a piece iv lead pipe in th' tails iv their coat in case iv emargency, an' get all th' money there is in th' line. "In th' fr-ront dure comes th' English- man with a coon king on ayether ar-rm that's 258 MR. DOOLEY jus* loaned him their kingdoms on a prom's- sory note, and discovers th' Fr-rinchman emargin' frim th* roons iv th' safe. * What ar-re ye doin' here ? ' says th' Englishman. ( Robbin' th' naygurs,' says th' Fr-rinch- man, bein' thruthful as well as polite. c Wicked man,' says th' Englishman. c What ar-re ye doin' here ? ' says the Fr-rinchman. c Improvin' the morals iv th' inhabitants,' says th' Englishman. c Is it not so, Rastus ? ' he says. c It is,' says wan iv th' kings. c I'm a poorer but a betther man since ye came,' he says. c Yes,' says th' Englishman, c I pro-pose f 'r to thruly rayform this onhappy counthry,' he says. 'This benighted haythen on me exthreme left has been injooced to cut out a good dale iv his wife's business,' he says, 'an' go through life torminted be on'y wan spouse,' he says. c Th' r-rest will go to wurruk f 'r me,' he says. c All crap games bein' partic- ular ongodly'll be undher th' con-throl iv th' gover'mint, which,' he says, c is me. Policy shops'll be r-run carefully, an' I've THE FRENCH CHARACTER 259 appinted Rastus here Writer-in-Waitin' to her Majesty,' he says. " ' Th' r-rum they dhrink in these par-rts/ he says, ' is fearful/ he says. ' What shall we do to stop th' ac-cursed thraffic? Sell thim gin/ says I. c 'Tis shameful they shud go out with nawthin' to hide their naked- ness,' he says. ( I'll fetch thim clothes ; but/ he says, c as th' weather's too warrum f'r clothes, I'll not sell thim anny thing that'll last long/ he says. < If it wasn't f'r relligion/ he says, C I don't know what th' 'ell th' wurruld wud come to/ he says. c Who's reliigion ? ' says th' Fr-rinchman. c My relligion/ says th' Englishman. c These pore, benighted savidges/ he says, c '11 not be left to yer odjious morals an' yer hootchy- kootchy school iv thought/ he says, c but/ he says, c undher th' binif 'cint r-rule iv a wise an' thrue gover'mint/ he says, c '11 be thurly prepared f'r hivin/ he says, c whin their time comes to go/ he says, c which I thrust will not be long/ he says. c So I'll thank ye to be off/ he says, c or I'll take th' thick end iv the slung-shot to ye/ he says. 260 MR. DOOLEY " Th' Fr-rinchman is a br-rave man, an* he'd stay an* have it out on th' flure ; but some wan calls, c A base th' Chinnyman ! ' an* off he goes on another thrack. An', whin he gets to th' Chinnymen, he finds th' English Ve abased thim already. An* so he dances fr'm wan par-rt th' wurruld to an- other like a riochous an' happy flea, an' diwle th' bit iv progress he makes, on'y thrubble f 'r others an' a merry life f 'r him- silf." "If England wint to war with France," said Mr. Hennessy, suddenly, "I'd be f'r France." " So ye wud, Hinnissy. So ye wud," said Mr. Dooley. " An' I'm not sayin' that I wudden't f 'aget that I'm an Anglo- Saxon long enough to take wan crack at th' Prince iv Wales with a coupli' pin mesilf." r Nl i 0) _Q T3 8. CD r _ f^. ^ 22. M ^ ^ CQ CO Si 1 Q^ r f *"/ Q. >_ > ^ Q Ul ^.' ^ f f* *^L*L ^^"^ ^^ -^ H *" UU '' ^J ii | 1 HI 4 5: 3 z \ U- s 0) eg ; $a X > H- t "^ g 22 ce a! LLJ Z Q CO rH O CD O ID 15 ui z: SB Q PN6161.D82 1899 \ L > if * -I?-'-M~ 111 ^ i. ^^ Cl/>n