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 31 ^Tafrttttonial ^afitc 
 
 BY 
 
 LORD PIMLICO 
 
 LONDON : 
 p^ZETELLY &> CO., 42, CATHERINE STREET, STRAND 
 
 AND ALL BOOKSELLERS 
 
^ 
 
 f\ir 
 
THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE. 
 
Just Published, price One Shilling. 
 
 JUVElSrAL IN PICCADILLY. 
 
 By OXONIENSIS. 
 
 Mutato nomine, D.T, / 
 Fdbula narraiur. 
 
THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY 
 
 a iltatrimonial Satire 
 
 BY 
 
 LORD PIMLICO, 
 
 " O God, who hast consecrated the state of Matrimony to such an 
 excellent mystery " — The Book of Common Prayer. 
 
 " Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity ? 
 curse God, and die." — Job ii. 9. 
 
 LONDON : 
 VIZETELLY ^ CO., 42, CATHERINE STREET, STRAND. 
 
 1888 
 
P444 
 
 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY 
 
 A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE. 
 
 All women love not, nor all men, tlie same ; 
 A thousand different colours tint the flame ; 
 !N^ay, love itself perchance is very rare, 
 It is no nursKng of the common air ; 
 Love, that philosophers and poets sing, 
 On working-days is quite a different thing ; 
 Most wedded couples live a humdrum life. 
 Untouched by passion, if untouched by strife ; 
 Endearments are exchanged as things of course ; 
 The pork of life must have its apple sauce ; 
 Husband or wife would fill the married state 
 As perfectly with any other mate, 
 
 710 
 
6 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 Contented witli affection's tranquil plain, 
 Remote from mountains and tlie stormy main. 
 
 'Tis well, no doubt ; for folks for common wear 
 
 Should be like aprons, plain and bard to tear ; 
 
 How should be turned the world's great driving-wheel, 
 
 If all have transports, all intensely feel ? 
 
 But small desire 's the father of content ; 
 
 To Arabs deserts are no banishment ; 
 
 The small capacity, because His small, 
 
 Still thinks itself the proper gauge of all, 
 
 Still thinks the circle that beyond it lies 
 
 Part of the outer darkness must comprise. 
 
 Thus all that by the common mind is taught 
 And handed down, by common minds is caught ; 
 England alone, we think, the code possesses 
 Of morals that domestic virtue blesses ; 
 And though we have a periodic fright 
 About our practice, stiU — our theory's right ! 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE, 
 
 Our laws, our social f aitli, are not to blame ; 
 
 "We want a larger order for tlie same ; 
 
 The old clothes fit us, if we stitch and mend ; 
 
 We do not need to alter, but extend. 
 
 In marriage, as all English Christians know, 
 
 Our nation is Christ's vicar here below ; 
 
 In all relations (such our faith doctrinal) 
 
 'Twixt men and women our ideas are final. 
 
 No less assured were they who burnt old women 
 
 Because they tried to save their lives by swimmin', 
 
 Nor they who once the usury forbade 
 
 That is the essence of all modern trade. 
 
 Why should we trust the judgment of the many ? 
 
 What popular applause is worth a penny ? 
 
 Men run in ruts and sheep-like imitate 
 
 In little things ; why are they gods in great ? 
 
 And surely earth has seons yet to roll 
 
 Before it rushes to its final goal ; 
 
 Unless exasperated Providence 
 
8 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 No longer can endure our want of sense. 
 But Providence a better issue sees, 
 Perchance more patient than its devotees, 
 Nor can as callously as those Select 
 That own the ark, destruction's flood expect. 
 
 But if we think that our ideas and measures 
 Hit the right mean 'twixt piety and pleasures. 
 If this we advocate and that we teach, 
 Protest that all can practise what we preach, 
 Or if they do not, 'tis from vice innate, 
 Biches, and sloth, and too luxurious state. 
 We must consider how in humblest ways 
 Our principles will wear on working days. 
 Not only when we sit and dream apart, 
 Shut in the cabin of our little heart. 
 Much more our notions must be clear as ice 
 If we go forth crusading against Vice, 
 Seeing that vice (though spelt with biggest vs) 
 No more*s an entity than is disease ; 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE. 
 
 You cannot poison it, like dogs or pussies,* 
 Nor purge it out with any pills or fussies. 
 
 First test your terms ; what will you talk about ? 
 For phrases may be nonsense, though you shout. 
 Say, what is marriage ? The deceased wife's sister 
 Awaits an answer, since her brother kissed her ; 
 The harem of the Chief baptised a Brother, 
 Who was one primitive and now's another ; 
 The woman sworn to tend her lord when ill. 
 Who did not bargain for his being nil ; 
 She that for life one lover lies beside ; 
 The virgin wife ; the unconsenting bride ; — 
 Wedded are these ? E'er life you take to task 
 Life has of you ten thousand things to ask. 
 
 Again, do *' love '' and " lust '' the subject fit. 
 Leaving no undiscovered polar bit ? 
 Do all their borders meet without a gap ? 
 Their territories never over-lap ? 
 
 * With apologies to the shade of Miss Martineau. 
 
10 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 The pious seem to think (it is the fashion) 
 
 The more there is of love, the less of passion. 
 
 They hint that for a wife to like to kiss 
 
 Is the last qualit}^ for wedded bliss ; 
 
 Quite other motives should the wish inspire 
 
 For married life than such a coarse desire ! 
 
 They fain would with Sir Thomas Browne agree, 
 
 And wish men procreated like a tree. 
 
 Yet, though afraid of passion, they refrain 
 
 No more than others from the nuptial chain ; 
 
 Nor priest nor deacon differently thrives 
 
 From other men when they embrace their wives ; 
 
 Or if they do, — when doubts of marriage try men 
 
 'Tis clear they should not sacrifice to Hymen. 
 
 Then, as a rule, all pious folk assent 
 
 To novelists' and poets' sentiment ; 
 
 And if for love a man or woman die. 
 
 Commiseration shines in every eye ; 
 
 The thought is plain in everybody's mind, 
 
 That of all love, that is the truest kind. 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE. ii 
 
 So meditative sage and holy ranter 
 Rally young lovers or tlie bridegroom banter, 
 And wben instinctively the worldlings scout 
 The marriage of the old, they also doubt ; 
 'Tis not so much that it creates mistrust 
 Of happiness, as something of disgust. 
 
 No simple pose the moral eye annoys ; 
 What pains it is the acrobatic poise. 
 With the plain Puritan we sympathise. 
 And think we understand the worldly-wise, 
 But cannot fathom Puritans that dance, 
 Christ on their lips and Cupid in their glance ; 
 That cultivate an unimpassioned heart 
 By literature, society, and art ; 
 That call on men cold angels to admire, 
 Yet scorn not lovers burning with desire ; 
 Or make stern thoughts of matrimony tally 
 With joking lads and lassies when they dally ; 
 That acquiesce in all the world's devices 
 
12 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 For bringing couples to their proper crises, 
 And fostering in every girl the notion 
 That maids to marriage have a cosmic motion, 
 (And as for faults — well, husbands overlook them ; 
 Men are not hard to hold if once you hook them), 
 And yet declare that Christians should compel 
 Touch, sight, and voice to order, — even smell ; 
 That speak of wealth and pleasure to condemn them, 
 But act without a sign that they contemn them. 
 
 "We deem them sensible who wed declaring 
 That increase of enjoyment comes of pairing, 
 And we are able to appreciate 
 The pleas in favour of a single state, 
 But find it difiicult to take the measure 
 Of pious men that do not wed for pleasure, 
 That seek in marriage everything but rapture 
 (And often look successful in the capture). 
 
 It may be Christianity to say 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE. 13 
 
 To world and flesli, if not to devil, *^ nay " ; 
 
 But is renunciation to be carried 
 
 Into the very chamber of tbe married ? 
 
 Must men at passion, and not with it, tremble ? 
 
 Or if they ever do must they dissemble, 
 
 And finely steering between bane and bliss, 
 
 Through fig-leaves filter each impetuous kiss ? 
 
 Must Christian brides bring to their lovers' arms 
 
 Impassiveness, propriety, alarms, 
 
 The stiffness taught them at maternal drill, 
 
 And prudery, the child of fancied ill ? 
 
 If so, my vestal friend, in Dian's name, 
 
 Why, if it singes so, approach the flame ?* 
 
 Someone to order dinner, poke the fire. 
 
 And sort your bills and guests, do you desire ? 
 
 Then why not ask your sister or grandmother, 
 
 Or some unmarriageable dame or other ? 
 
 Consider, Jesus never took a wife. 
 
 And you have sworn to imitate his life. 
 
 But Jesus Christ was sinless, you reply ; 
 
14 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 Is marriage sinful, then ? Fly, Christian, fly ! 
 
 Your aim is to be perfect ; do not tarry ; 
 
 Lest world and flesh entice you, and you marry. 
 
 If Christ was sinless, and he did not wed, 
 
 It surely means no Christian ought to bed ; 
 
 Unless he was untemptable, and then 
 
 What signifies his life to tempted men ? 
 
 Is Christianity a simple ho^De 
 
 Plain men can see without a microscope, 
 
 Or a philosophy that needs a tome 
 
 To bring its complicated ethics home ? 
 
 Is it a system full of compromise 
 
 To fit each conscience of a different size, 
 
 Or is it Gospel that the poor can reach. 
 
 The ignorant receive, the unlearned preach ? 
 
 'Tis clear, young Christian, you must follow straight 
 
 Your Master's footsteps through the narrow gate ; 
 
 To mortify the fiesh, if not to scorn, 
 
 And cultivate the spirit, you have sworn ; 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE, 15 
 
 Therefore you cannot wed, unless in wiving 
 
 Your spirit has a better chance of thriving. 
 
 " There's higher and there's lower/' do you cry ? 
 
 '^ JN'o sin, as Cana proves ? " Then choose the high. 
 
 You cannot wriggle out of your compact, 
 
 Nor change by rites the nature of the act, 
 
 Nor buy a dispensation by the boast 
 
 You wed for reasons different from most. 
 
 ^' A life ascetic, then, you recommend ? " 
 
 Is this the answer of my Christian friend ? 
 
 Not so ; but only to avoid all muddles ; 
 
 Whether in street or mind they lead to puddles ; 
 
 And Christianity should part asunder 
 
 All tangled things ; the lightning from the thunder ; 
 
 Matter from spirit ; and all doubts divide 
 
 To heaven or earth, to keep their proper side. 
 
 Nor does the argument a Christian fit 
 That marriage laws have been a benefit, 
 
i6 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 That both Society has gained and State 
 Where men may only love, or loathe, one mate. 
 'Tis not for him in Rimmon's house to bow ; 
 To serve expediency was not his vow ; 
 A clearer answer he must give than Paul, 
 When he is asked if men should wed at all. 
 The question is not whether lovers burn, 
 But does the road of marriage heavenward turn ? 
 
 Or is it thought that matrimonial state 
 Is better discipline than celibate ? 
 That patience and endurance less are* needed 
 In freedom than in bonds ? It is conceded. 
 But then if this is why we Christians pay so 
 High compliments to marriage we should say so, 
 And neither with the silly world be joking. 
 That still insists on married-life invoking 
 As passion's playground, lovers' blest retreat ! 
 Life-long endearment's bower, secure and sweet ! 
 Nor yet encourage boys and girls to palter 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE. 17 
 
 Witli the stern meaning of the marriage altar, 
 Leading them on by every social art 
 To think they were not born to live apart ; 
 Then when they're yoked and mutually offended 
 Turn round and say, *' So Providence intended ! 
 Disguised as sweetmeat, marriage comes to fill 
 Life's lack of med'cine, like a gilded pill ! " 
 
 True, marriage savours in all nostrils stink not ; 
 
 All are not wretched ; or they try to think not. 
 
 But many that to marriage bonds conform. 
 
 If they were f reej* at marriage bonds would storm ; 
 
 Besides, the small capacity of heart 
 
 Of joy or sorrow only holds a part ; 
 
 "Weak appetites can dine upon a bun. 
 
 And common flowers will bloom with little sun. 
 
 No doubt 'tis blessed to be born a saint 
 
 Endowed with cheerfulness as fresh as paint ; 
 
 But showers refreshing that the daisy soak 
 
 Are only tantalising to the oak ; 
 
i8 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 Nor do we find that Christian folks admire 
 (Except in church) the heart that lacks desire, 
 Nor yet in poetry or prose disparage 
 A tale of love that ends in death or marriage. 
 If heroes of their crowns must be bereft 
 Because they loved, few heroes will be left ; 
 'Tis not the spacious nature, but the small, 
 That speaks of love as nothing after all ; 
 For love in the profounder, nobler soul 
 Affects no portion, but the complex whole ; 
 The stronger passion from itself is wrapt. 
 The weaker to self-consciousness is apt ; 
 Subtract from love all passion, — 'twill transmute 
 Soul into matter, human into brute. 
 
 If this be rhapsody, it is no worse 
 
 Than half the prose and more than half the verse 
 
 That children of the pious freely buy, 
 
 And Christians all pretend to read, or try. 
 
 The love of men for women (His no libel) 
 
A MAJ'RIMONIAL SATIRE. 19 
 
 Is pretty freely painted in tlie Bible, 
 Although no doubt 'tis easy to explain 
 "What goes against our prejudice's grain ; 
 It is a favourite plan of exegesis, — 
 Praise what we like and pick the rest to pieces. 
 Quote what will best our social habits fit, — 
 "What gratifies our taste is Holy Writ. 
 
 In any case, 'tis clear there must be some 
 That do not think that '' love is all a hum,'' 
 And no one at minorities can smile 
 Since Ireland ruled all Britain (save one isle). 
 No doubt there's danger in all strong emotion ; 
 For instance, in a highly- wrought devotion ; 
 But mediocrity, though safe no doubt. 
 Is never beautiful, as some make out, 
 And solid people, when they don't pretend. 
 Admire emotions they can't comprehend ; 
 But then, alas ! they also try to judge. 
 And talk not solid sense, but solid fudge ; 
 
20 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 For though the ordinary man's not vain 
 
 About the compass of his heart and brain, 
 
 He really is convinced his moral view 
 
 Is everlasting, and not merely true ! 
 
 For moral notions are like pans and pots, — 
 
 Men mould them for convenient use, in lots ; 
 
 And few the stages are, beyond the crude, 
 
 Reached by the patterns of the multitude ; 
 
 For " general consent " is but a blind 
 
 To hide the naked follies of mankind ; 
 
 From no one source is wisdom to be found ; 
 
 Her oracles have all a mingled sound. 
 
 Yirtues " go out," like oysters, and ^* come in ; '^ 
 
 Soon Sabbath-breaking will not be a sin, 
 
 And usurers are either dead or dying, 
 
 Or, like the witches, gone on broomsticks flying. 
 
 Some day, perchance, 'twill not be deemed a feat 
 
 To send a girl to rot upon the street, 
 
 And carry out the talionis lex 
 
 By making victims of the other sex, 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE. 21 
 
 While lie who weds two wives, whatever the reason, 
 
 Is punished more severely than for treason. 
 
 Some day, perchance, 'twill not be thought so wise 
 
 To put a Gordian knot in marriage ties. 
 
 And yet by every artifice entice 
 
 Unseasoned youth to consummate the splice ; 
 
 With dreadful sanctions solemnise the state, 
 
 But make frivolity its entrance gate ; 
 
 To deem that love and marriage fit all creatures, 
 
 Although we know hearts vary, as the features ; 
 
 To hold that sexual passion is love's core, 
 
 And yet in married life its power ignore, 
 
 And (though the love that is not of the heart 
 
 Is little better than a love for tart) 
 
 That nuptial intimacy can't degrade, 
 
 Even if love, its only sanction, fade. 
 
 Though this unseen confusion dogs us still. 
 
 Confusion that itself is dogged by ill, 
 
 Yet our conception both of love and marriage 
 
 We dream not can have suffered a miscarriage. 
 
2 2 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 The world develops, notion upon notion ; 
 By change advances, not by onward motion ; 
 Revolves throngh many phases, age to age — 
 And who shall prophesy the final stage ? 
 Faiths, nations pass ; but as the fabric crashes, 
 A process new begins upon its ashes. 
 The blind insistence of the pious race 
 On present customs may be out of place ; 
 For Christ's religion, they believe, can win 
 The universe from misery and sin ; 
 Therefore it is not the religion's fault, 
 But its interpreters', if virtue halt. 
 
 No doubt along with luxury and leisure 
 Go certain habits of immoral pleasure ; 
 But luxury and leisure are devised 
 As soon as people become civilised. 
 And Christ's apologists make special boast 
 That his religion civilises most. 
 Besides, are pious folk themselves above 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE. 23 
 
 The love of power, who scorn the power of love ? 
 
 Is money dross to them ? Is love of ease 
 
 Regarded as a dangerous disease ? 
 
 Do they not ever compensate at table 
 
 For joys they taste not, since they are not able ? 
 
 The list of fleshly sins drawn up by Paul * 
 
 Would be a wholesome lesson for us all ; 
 
 For 'tis not difficult one lust to smother 
 
 By lighting up the furnace of another, 
 
 To hug more subtle sins, while spurning those 
 
 The world delights to blame, — and to expose ; 
 
 To be more far removed from Christianity 
 
 By mean injustice, worldly pride, and vanity, 
 
 Than others whom our sjonpathy we grudge. 
 
 And judge, — but never as ourselves we judge. 
 
 Until of fleshly sins our hearts we purge, 
 
 How shall we purity on others urge ? 
 
 Incontinence of tongue may poison lives ; 
 
 If mistresses may ruin, so may wives ; 
 
 Gal. V. 19—21. 
 
24 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 For wives presume upon the legal chain ; 
 There is no link the others dare to strain. 
 
 May only tongues have unimpeded play, 
 
 While all the other members must obey ? 
 
 May gold be coveted for child or marriage, 
 
 But not for diamonds, or for a carriage ? 
 
 Must wealth be held the source of sin and sorrow 
 
 By everyone whose neighbour wants to borrow ? 
 
 Must begging for a penny be forbidden, 
 
 While begging for a million goes unchidden ? 
 
 Must rich men pay their tradesmen more than right, 
 
 "VYhile tradesmen cheat the widow of her mite ? 
 
 Is it less sinful for a man or woman 
 
 To go to no Church than to join the Boman ? 
 
 May wealthy matrons dance to keep their shape, 
 
 While poor ones from no burdens may escape ? 
 
 May Christian ladies half their breasts unlace. 
 
 Though Turkish women will not show their face ? 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE. 25 
 
 So morals mingle ; wliat was once a sin, 
 Another age will rather glory in ; 
 What in one country is considered modest 
 Is in another looked upon as oddest. 
 Codes Moral by Society are made, 
 And Politics has his, and so has Trade ; 
 Religion, always hanging on their border, 
 Pelts what it imitates, and hoots to order ; 
 So like a pageant moves the world along. 
 And carries with it all the sheepish throng, 
 "Which in its turn is learning to parade 
 Convenient virtues, and the rest evade. 
 
 Yet Christian moralists are always certain 
 
 That they at least can see behind the curtain. 
 
 Where Providence sits wearing a design 
 
 In which the moralists conspicuous shine. 
 
 To neighbours they apportion praise and blame ; 
 
 For to make virtue cheap is not their aim ; 
 
 But they delight to narrow narrow ways ; 
 
26 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 "Were virtue easy, wlio would virtue praise ? 
 And by inventing tests to try tlie soul, 
 They think to teach men better self-control, 
 As on your poodle's nose you place a bit. 
 And then chastise him if he touches it. 
 But yet they would entice men to the gate, 
 Nor ever tell them that the path is strait ; 
 " The yoke is easy and the burden light ; 
 And marriage is a state of much delight, 
 (Not of the joys of passion, — heaven forfend ! ■ 
 A wife is not a mistress, but a friend) ; " 
 So they discourse their sly confessor's tale, 
 Urging fair devotees to take the veil ; 
 And thus the young, to gain a good opinion. 
 Swear to be soldiers under Christ's dominion, 
 Which means that they must do, without debate. 
 What social rules and relatives dictate ; 
 If parents form some wish, but don't express it. 
 They are expected, all the same, to guess it ; 
 And if they fall a victim to the slaughters 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE. 27 
 
 Of pious mothers and their pious daughters, 
 And find too late that only hearts are dear 
 That give their utmost without stint or fear, 
 That prudery not always is the purest, 
 Nor modesty of spirit the demurest, 
 Then friendly comforters cry : '^ Don't lament ! 
 Such trials for your benefit are sent ; 
 Gold must be proved ; whatever is, is best ; 
 Be glad that you are worthy," — and the rest. 
 
 Better give men and women of emotion 
 
 The true quietus of a deadly potion. 
 
 The dreadful capability of woe 
 
 That finest sensibilities bestow 
 
 Is better broken than for ever tense 
 
 With the long night-mare of life's impotence. 
 
 All joys are stale, all blessings are a ban 
 
 To the unsatisfied, but wedded, man ; 
 
 And hourly contact chafes with constant pain 
 
 The tender nature that essays in vain 
 
28 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 An unresponsive lieart tliat never bubbles 
 Tbrougb. eager lips, with lovers' balm for troubles, 
 That never bears a babe of mutual thought 
 Or impulse simultaneously caught ; — 
 A hollow, yet impenetrable, breast, 
 Never by love's ungrudged desire possessed. 
 This is about one's neck a corpse to carry. 
 Better to die than miserably marry ! 
 
 " But then most people are not born this way ; 
 
 Most men are soon content," I hear you say. 
 
 But still the multitude is not the salt. 
 
 Nor is it what the pious folk exalt ; 
 
 Who more than they the spacious genius prize 
 
 That can imagine and idealise ? 
 
 Who better know if such were kept recluse, 
 
 As rare old china is, too good for use, 
 
 What kind of age upon the world would dawn, 
 
 When all the rarer spirits were withdrawn ? 
 
 Or how much marriage would be under proof 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE. 29 
 
 If all the finer natures kept aloof ? 
 
 Or if you boldly say you most admire 
 
 The common folk that wed without much fire, 
 
 And fare along with comfortable trot 
 
 And even temperature, not cold nor hot, — 
 
 If real union so little matter, 
 
 "Why make at every wedding such a clatter ? 
 
 Why raise the mystery to highest heaven 
 
 For folks that have not spiritual leaven ? 
 
 (Unless you think the rite confers some grace 
 
 To shake unsorted couples into place. 
 
 Or some cementing virtue from it flows 
 
 Beyond what George or "William lY. bestows).* 
 
 Kow come to closer quarters. Are you sure 
 That all that Christians say we must endure 
 (The Christians of the present English nation) 
 Is generally needful for salvation ? 
 
 * 4 Geo. IV. 76, or 6 and 7 Will. IV. 85 (sanctioning marriage 
 by banns or by license). 
 
30 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 The pious look on salutary woes 
 
 With mucli complacenc}^, as history shows ; 
 
 The rack, the pincers, and the boiling bowl 
 
 Were justifiable to save a soul ; 
 
 And though they Ve lost the power of axe and stake, 
 
 Their great allies are ruin, grief, and ache ; 
 
 They are in love with misery and trial. 
 
 As teaching self-control and self-denial. 
 
 Place, then, but little credence in the cry 
 
 That trials come expressly from on high ; 
 
 Granted they differ from earthquakes and thunder, 
 
 And that beneficent intent lurks under. 
 
 Still when from social custom they arise, 
 
 The burden on the friends of custom lies 
 
 To prove ordeals held in wisdom^s name 
 
 Are not a devil's christening of flame. 
 
 And of all tests a Draco could devise 
 
 The English test of marriage takes the prize ! 
 
 Contrivance, more amazing than all fiction, 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE. 31 
 
 To try two people's greatest power of friction ! 
 Machine for filling liell from floor to ceiling 
 With men and women of the finer feeling ! 
 
 "What torture can compare with his whose bride 
 
 Is the embodiment of love denied ? 
 
 He draws her face towards him, and behold ! 
 
 Her kiss upon his cheek is short and cold ; 
 
 He takes the soundings of her shallow heart ; 
 
 It bears no portion of his joy or smart ; 
 
 He pours out all the treasure of his love, 
 
 She tries it and discards it, — like her glove : 
 
 He offers up his manhood and 'tis mocked : 
 
 She is a casket to love's ardour locked ; 
 
 As in a palace full of forms and shows 
 
 Of consolation and delight he goes. 
 
 Mortally stricken with a sore disease ; 
 
 Pain scoffing at desire ; desire at ease : 
 
 Like the caged lark he folds his baffled wing, 
 
 Eats, drinks, and breathes ; performs ; but cannot sing : 
 
32 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY 
 
 Back from his wooden destiny lie reels ; 
 Heaven is shut out ; but hell its joy reveals ! 
 The little tidy, swept, and garnished room 
 That he has chosen, will become his doom ; 
 The little circuit that he has to plod 
 Lies in the shadow of a single clod ; 
 One generous abandonment, for love, 
 "Would set him on a pinnacle above 
 The chill miasma of the worldly plain, 
 The cant, the cringing, and the greed of gain ; 
 To recollect one truly mingled minute 
 Would have the vigour of a lifetime in it ! 
 But no ; she moves with careful steps apart ; 
 She cannot bear to disarrange her heart ; 
 If Love, hot clumsy creature, sat upon it, 
 'T would be as bad as sitting on her bonnet ; 
 People would make remarks on such behaviour ; 
 Besides, to conquer passion 's like the Saviour ! 
 
 Trust me, if men of women make a sport, 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE, ^ 
 
 By women quite as many men are cauglit ; 
 
 They spoil each other's lives ; it is a madness 
 
 That comes from ignorance as much as badness ; . 
 
 And when a man or woman thus is mated, 
 
 And hearts that dreamed and schemed are desolated, 
 
 George, William, and Victoria * step in 
 
 And say to break the nightmare is a sin. 
 
 *Tis true they may have sworn that each to each 
 
 Would stick for ever, like a solemn leech, 
 
 But then the statute, William's or else George's, f 
 
 Forces the covenant down people's gorges. 
 
 Those pious laws Society must back, 
 
 Bidding all couples keep their oath or pack, 
 
 And patting old Eeligion on the head, 
 
 Who thinks he's leading, when he's really led. 
 
 Nature alone protests, and cries : '* This man 
 
 Was framed upon my most harmonious plan ; 
 
 » 6 and 7 Will. IV. 85^ 4 Geo. IV. 76, 24 and 25 Vic. 100, 57 
 (punishing bigamy), 
 t Sanctioning marriage by banns or by license* 
 
 C 
 
3+ THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 Still innocent in spirit he was tauglit 
 
 That marriage is a haven to be sought, 
 
 "Where passion by fulfilment is at rest, 
 
 And manhood's consummation pure and blest ; 
 
 Though often by companions overpast 
 
 In love's success, he held the doctrine fast ; 
 
 Through all vicissitudes he thought a wife 
 
 Must be the best interpreter of life ; 
 
 And of all saint- machines, the best device 
 
 The wedded interchange of sacrifice. 
 
 'Tis true, he was a little of a flirt ; 
 
 But thoughtlessly he did it, — not to hurt ; 
 
 It is a habit of the most devout, 
 
 A safety-valve to let emotion out. 
 
 Though some declare 'tis neither nice nor fitting 
 
 (Possibly cherubs think the same of sitting). 
 
 'Tis also true one day he went so far 
 
 That he elicited the stern Papa ; 
 
 As the poor herring, when he'd got his snout 
 
 Into the oyster, couldn't get it out. 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE. 3s 
 
 What did it matter ? "Was not every maiden 
 
 A child of Yenus, and with love o'erladen ? 
 
 And is it not the woman's natural right 
 
 To be her husband's comfort and delight ? 
 
 So into wedlock was he danced along 
 
 Conducted by a gratulating throng ; 
 
 As in some countries bridegroom and his spouse 
 
 Are carried in procession to their house. 
 
 But when, alas ! this too impassioned youth 
 
 Had found, behind his fond ideal, truth ; 
 
 Beneath the sugared coating of the heart 
 
 A something bitter, or a little tart ; 
 
 And while upon one cast he risked his whole, 
 
 Health, strength, career, and joy, — almost his soul, — 
 
 Her maidenhead was all his wife had lost, 
 
 (Which now he valued not at such a cost, 
 
 For she had borne the treasure unaware, 
 
 As oysters carry pearls and never care), — 
 
 Then in the brooding watches of the night 
 
 What anguish visited his lonely sprite ! 
 
36 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 He wailed witli wailing winds, to ease liis pain, 
 
 His tears fell bitter as tlic bitter rain, 
 
 He cried to God : ' Oh ! give me back the past 
 
 Or let this very moment be my last ! 
 
 I did not make myself nor ask to be ; 
 
 "Why pour the vials of thy wrath on me ? 
 
 If these dread sorrows come from want of will, 
 
 Because we face not duty's quiet hill, 
 
 But waste our energy in mad pursuit 
 
 Of love's low-hanging and delicious fruit, 
 
 That want of will, like any other taint, 
 
 From birth corrupts our blood and makes us faint. 
 
 For women's dear companionship I yearned, 
 
 Ached for response, and for compassion burned, 
 
 E'er I could word it ; fed a tender heart 
 
 Upon the reflex tenderness of art ; 
 
 And drew from hill and valley, cloud and ocean, 
 
 Song-bird and flower, the music of emotion ; 
 
 The while Religion stood with dove-like eyes 
 
 Suffused with soft approval of my sighs. 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE, 37 
 
 Ah ! better to be born unsensltive, 
 Unsensuoiis, contented just to live, 
 Than beat with yearning wings upon a rock, 
 Or at the portals of a heart to knock 
 Impervious to passion's rending cry, 
 Opposing still the everlasting I, 
 Ilnthrilled by love's magnetic touch, — an orb 
 Whose surface can reflect, but not absorb,— 
 A personality that no embrace 
 Impregnates with a free, imconscious grace ! 
 But I am like the tense, tormented lyre, 
 Fixed where the wandering breezes never tire, 
 Plucked by fierce fingers of the hurricane, 
 Soothed by no minstrel hands to ordered pain. 
 Oh ! torture me no more, mysterious breath ; 
 If death alone is restful, give me death ! ' 
 
 " Is this the end of all my pains," cries Nature, 
 *' This piteous, writhing, ineffectual creature ? 
 Is it for this that all his heart was lavished ? 
 
38 7 HE EXCELLENT MYSTERY 
 
 Is it to this Love brings Lis victims ravished ? 
 
 And does Religion now deny relief, 
 
 Who was accomplice in this very grief ? 
 
 Must he go rot because in him were needs 
 
 Inherent only in my rarest breeds ? 
 
 Is my most precious workmanship to perish 
 
 Because one woman cannot love and cherish ? 
 
 Shall he to whom I laboured to impart 
 
 The final process of my finest art — 
 
 The splendour and the lustrous irridescence 
 
 That only is revealed by woman's presence, 
 
 And her mysterious summer evening balm 
 
 That calls the instant stars out, like a charm — 
 
 Shall he be bleached by lidless eyes of hell. 
 
 Because one woman cannot weave the spell ? 
 
 Can life be poisoned with diluted wrong. 
 
 So that no single dose be over- strong, 
 
 Nor ever of that concentrated kind 
 
 On which the prurient world has fixed its mind ? 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE, 39 
 
 '^ And what is this I hear Religion prate 
 
 Of conquest over circumstance and fate ? 
 
 Who, then, pronounces doom on those that ventiiro 
 
 To seal the matrimonial indenture, 
 
 But soon discover * comfort ' a dead letter, 
 
 Or * service and obedience ' no better ? 
 
 Who but Religion, social curses flinging ? 
 
 (His own anathemas no longer stinging. 
 
 He entertains an inconsistent liking 
 
 For worldly weapons in his favour striking. 
 
 And likes to call the constable. Society, 
 
 Whenever sinners violate propriety, 
 
 To put them on a bread-and-water diet 
 
 Until they are respectable and quiet.) 
 
 Who but Religion says, ^ One step concede 
 
 To weakness of the flesh and Nature's need ; 
 
 But all beyond that limit is insanity ; 
 
 Remember Solomon, his wives, and vanity ; 
 
 One wife's enough for any man to touch/ 
 
 * Indeed,' the victim cries, ' she is too much ! 
 
40 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 More easy far in continonco to mope 
 
 Thau form the wedded habit, aud the hope 
 
 Of mutual joys, — the momentary test, 
 
 The look, the glance, the gesture, still confest 
 
 And answered from the spirit's mirroring deep, — 
 
 Love's fine adjustment of two hearts that keep 
 
 An interchange as subtle as the power 
 
 That binds the roving comet to his hour, — 
 
 And then to find that wedlock speaks by rote. 
 
 And cries in wastes where is no answering note,' 
 
 " Who but Religion tries to tie men down 
 To discipline that fills the streets of town 
 With girls that else would have a legal claim 
 On those who brought them to a legal shame ? 
 Polygamy ! that scarce enough is hidden 
 To give the flavour of a fruit forbidden ! 
 Who but Eeligion will no laws relax 
 That human will and nature over-tax. 
 And rather than reduce the price of saints. 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE, 41 
 
 Keeps down tlie quantity by more restraints ? 
 
 Come hither, sainted mothers, yirtuons wives, 
 
 Fair maids, a-pant for sacrificial lives, 
 
 I offer you a sacrifice transcending 
 
 Your pamphleteeringj speechifying, spending. 
 
 As much as sunlight does the rushlight's flicker. 
 
 Leagues and societies, at which you bicker, 
 
 Contrive and strive for place and eminence 
 
 As much as Cardinals for Popedom, hence ! 
 
 And hence ! ye penitentiary buildings, 
 
 Ye boardings in and out, ye guilds and guildings ! 
 
 No more of missions, tea and platform spouting, 
 
 And myriad ways of charitably touting ! 
 
 Instead of painting over social blisters, 
 
 Cure them — by sharing marriage with your sisters. 
 
 " Not that you need go visit outcast sinners, 
 Invite them to talk scandal and eat dinners, 
 And teach them how an error's notoriety 
 Is its sole measure in polite society ; 
 
42 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 But that you should remember that the bounds 
 
 Of all your girlhood's guarded garden-grounds, 
 
 E-inged in with fosse and fence, with hedge and railing, 
 
 Alone, perchance, preserved you from their failing ; 
 
 And that you should, by this reflection's light, 
 
 Benounce the wife's exclusive legal right ; 
 
 Cry to your sisters, ^ Truly love and law 
 
 Have long contended ; let them strive no more I 
 
 In wedlock we are over- strict, perhaps. 
 
 And stretch the rule of virtue till it snaps. 
 
 Shall we in pride and arrogance of place 
 
 Visit on you what is our own disgrace ? 
 
 For are not women shamed that have no cords 
 
 Of sweetness strong enough to bind their lords, 
 
 But trust that Philistine and futile chain, 
 
 The pio-legal one, — and trust in vain ? 
 
 The wife that fails to fill her husband's heart 
 
 By prescience of love and watchful art. 
 
 Should love the maid that manages to clamber 
 
 In at the window of that empty chamber ! 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE. 43 
 
 AYliy, if a husband take into Ms life 
 
 A second love, wliy call her not a wife ? 
 
 Or why should men that maidens wed in fact 
 
 Have license to repudiate the act ? 
 
 Henceforth who takes by love, by law must keep ; 
 
 ]^o more by law shall men make women weep ; 
 
 "We wives have called our sisters spiteful names ; 
 
 Out of our jealousies we coined their shames ; 
 
 Because by law we could monopolise, 
 
 "We shortened virtue's measure to our size ; 
 
 I^ow we renounce that law, and at one stride 
 
 We place ten thousand women by our side. 
 
 Make men responsible for what they do 
 
 (An art we might have copied from the Jew *), 
 
 And keep our sisters socially unwrecked 
 
 By preservation of their self-respect.' 
 
 '' This would be Christianity indeed ! 
 A worship not unworthy of its creed. 
 
 * Deut. xxii. 28, 29. 
 
44 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 But far from this, tlio 'injured wife ' takes trumpet, 
 
 And from tlie house- to23S calls her rival strumpet ; 
 
 Then having quite infected her with shame 
 
 (For nothing is so catching as a name), 
 
 She founds a ' Home ' for her she cannot sin in, 
 
 Where she is taught to wash her soul, — and linen, 
 
 " '■ What ! tamper with the marriage laws ! Away, 
 Vile sensuist ! ' crj^ all that plot and pray. 
 First mothers, with their marriageable daughters. 
 Flanked by flat-breasted spinsters, their supporters. 
 Protest ; then dramatists and all the tribe 
 Whose bread it is men's passions to describe ; 
 Destroy the ' faithless husband,' you destroy 
 Their stock-in-trade, their most successful toy, 
 (And if the faithless wife were banished too. 
 There would be nothing left for them to do !) 
 Then amid all the throng whose interest 
 It is to damn the damned and bless the blest. 
 Behold the ministers ! a band agreed 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE. 45 
 
 In things of sentiment, thougli not of creed. 
 The text they garnish well and serve with sauce, 
 Compounding flayours in a rich discourse ; 
 State large presumptions ; see a cosmic scheme 
 In all life's chaos ; j' et think life a dream ; 
 But urge that douhts of free-will surely canker 
 The cables of morality's sheet-anchor. 
 For still the Church's study, as of old. 
 Is not sheer truth, but how to keep the fold. 
 
 " Ko doubt it makes a sermon run on castors 
 
 To teach that mortals of their fate are masters ; 
 
 But theories the neatest cut and dried 
 
 Are demonstrations every day belied ; 
 
 As round the world the sim continued flying, 
 
 Which some poor madmen suffered for denying, 
 
 Till on a day the savants, one by one, 
 
 Found that the earth was flying round the sun, 
 
 So with men's ethical and moral notions, — 
 
 'Tis very easy to mistake their motions ; 
 
46 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 And still the more profoundly errors reacli 
 The more facile and pat they are to preach. 
 
 " In sharp denial of men's common thinking 
 Stands hideous that inborn love of drinking ; 
 For if in infant blood such poisons lurk, 
 There too may other strange compulsions work. 
 Men from their birth with tendencies are tainted ; 
 Men from their birth with tendencies are sainted ; 
 All things in life are relative ; the will 
 For climbing must be measured by the hill. 
 If free-will 's true, 'twill none the less be true • 
 Because you give the facts of life their due ; 
 Nor have more truth, if it be not the truth. 
 Because you judge it good for men, forsooth ! 
 Though pious xoeople hot-house virtues favour, 
 To me they have an artificial flavour, 
 And I would rather have a heart born kind 
 Than all the virtues forced by strength of mind, — > 
 Self-conscious modesty, — self-sacrifice 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE. 47 
 
 On principle and with an eye to price, — 
 
 Disinterested services, combined 
 
 With study of contingencies behind, — 
 
 A horror, at the mere approach of sin, 
 
 That leaves no place for love to nestle in, — 
 
 Voice, gesture, ordered with a pious hope 
 
 Of influencing all within their scope ; 
 
 All these exotics, reared on Guide and Manual, 
 
 Have not the value of one hardy annual. 
 
 Or of one unmanured mountain flower 
 
 Sown by the wind and nursed by sun and shower. 
 
 For hearts examined, physicked, watched, and tried. 
 
 Act and pretend, like children over- spied, 
 
 And think, by sin reproving, sin to hate. 
 
 By personating greatness to be great." 
 
 So Nature fashions her indignant breath ; 
 And you, my friend, have listened, bored to death. 
 *' And now,'' you cry, " come to the point at last ; 
 "Why all this flash and thunder, blaze and blast ? 
 
48 THE EXCELLENT MYSTEkV : 
 
 'Tis easy to u^^sct and trample clown ; 
 Wisely to smile is harder than to frown. 
 Law creates sin, as says the Holy Writ, 
 Where law is not, there none a breach commit ; 
 But yet 'tis virtue speaking through the law. 
 Making apparent every secret flaw, 
 Which otherwise would widen to a chink 
 In which both State and Family would sink. 
 Why then attack the growth of countless ages, 
 The accumulated sapience of sages. 
 The general consensus of * pale-faces,' 
 The custom of the most enlightened races ? " 
 
 My friend, I say, I know that to deny 
 
 Is always open to this stern reply ; 
 
 But still it is for those who make assertions 
 
 To prove them ; we are neither Medes nor Persians j 
 
 Laws may be changed, and have been changed before ; 
 
 In this reign only, many a hundred score.* 
 
 * Kepealed wholly or in part. See Tlia Man v. the State j H* 
 Spencer, p. 50. 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE. 49 
 
 Subtract mere habit from conviction's force 
 
 And education's every glib " of course/' 
 
 All tendencies innate in nerve and marrow, 
 
 And all environments that make us narrow, 
 
 Then what remains ? It is these fumes mephitic 
 
 That make us think our customs Sinaitic, 
 
 TJntil the slow corroding drip of time 
 
 "Wears them away, and then we cry : " Sublime ! 
 
 See what a Providential dispensation ! 
 
 Laws are not good for every age and nation ! " 
 
 And still whatever disappears, we view 
 
 As everlasting truth the residue. 
 
 Is then this sumptuary law of wedlock 
 An adamantine, amaranthine deadlock ? 
 It is not in the Decalogue, dear Grundy ; 
 No more than reading Bibles on a Sunday, 
 Or falling foul of altar- candlesticks. 
 Mixed wine or wafers, cope or crucifix ! 
 A law will go a long way if you shove it ; 
 
 D 
 
50 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 What meanings might be squeezed from "• Do not 
 
 covet ! '' 
 But such a test, so desperate a lot, — 
 One being shalt thou love, or else go rot, — 
 Ideal life thou shalt attempt, and fly 
 About the sun, or headlong plunge and die, — 
 This, this should be a fundamental law, 
 A statute perfect and without a flaw. 
 Written, like Job's inscription on the rock. 
 Clear, unmistakable, secure from shock. 
 And will you tell me Time's slow, sullen mill 
 By the cold hands of an Olympian rill 
 Invisibly revolved, yet grinding on, 
 And like an Alpine glacier grinding on, 
 Pressed out this principle ? An answer fitting ; 
 But Chronos eats his children at a sitting ; 
 Time shapes and fashions long ; again a space, 
 And his own handiwork he will deface. 
 The right divine of kings was once his pet, 
 Like other truths, it rose, waxed, waned, and set ; 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE. 51 
 
 The Hindoo marriage presently appears, 
 That he has perfected three thousand years, 
 And Christian law steps in * to make it viler 
 E'en than the Sacred Books or their compiler ; 
 Soon as another period is entombed 
 'Twill vanish as Suttee did, self -consumed. 
 Mankind's consensus is unconscious drifting, 
 Time's firmest patterns are unnoticed shifting. 
 The marriage custom, which began with capture, f 
 Has reached the honeymoon's imputed rapture ; 
 It does not follow that this stage is best, 
 Or that the marriage instinct here will rest, 
 Nor yet that Nature is not still behind 
 The contract that Eeligion has refined. 
 
 Nature will judge Keligion on this plea ; 
 For what is man if these two not agree ? 
 Or wrecked upon the ecclesiastic shore, 
 
 * Suit for restitution of conjugal rights. See recent case of 
 Eukmabai. 
 
 t See McLennan on " History of Marriage." 
 
52 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 Or lost on boundless waters evermore. 
 And yet how often lias Religion cried : 
 " Obey my law ; let Nature stand aside ; " 
 From Dunstan callous to Elgiva's wail, 
 Down to the last betrotbed that took the veil. 
 But Nature, long pursued, will turn at bay, 
 And gathering up her scattered voice will say : 
 " Before you order and dictate, define 
 What are your proper limits, what are mine ; 
 Read me the riddles you yourself propound, 
 Shape your own voice to less uncertain sound. 
 See where Paphnutius stands, stern anchorite, 
 Wasted with fast and vigil, maimed of sight ; 
 And yet for Nature will he give his vote, 
 And through the echoing ages sounds his note. 
 On one old feeble hermit did it turn 
 If an entire priesthood wed or burn. 
 Yet, even so, religious thought divides, 
 Greek, Roman, Protestant take different sides 
 On this profoundest law of humankincl 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE. 53 
 
 !N"ot yet the Christian has made up his mind ; 
 On this, that either grinds a man to ashes 
 Or raises him above life's cares and crashes, 
 On this, that shatters States and crumbles crowns, 
 St. Peter knows not if he smiles or frowns ! 
 
 " While thus you fail to satisfy the parson 
 That Heaven's insurance covers Cupid's arson, 
 Nothing your confident opinion shakes 
 That none in marriage may have double stakes ; 
 Here with stern hand you dare to interfere 
 And force conformity by laws severe ; 
 For wives, although incurable, insane. 
 Or chronically drunk, sole wives remain. 
 And yet your priests, unpractical at need. 
 Dare not advise the poor how not to breed. 
 But try to bale with emigration's ladle 
 Poverty's sea, fed from the constant cradle. 
 Or ease the parents of the brood that troubled. 
 Which at sixteen repeats the problem, doubled. 
 
54 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 Yet if you limit marriage by a girth 
 
 That circles but a couple, why not birth ? 
 
 Why not ? Because you do not like relieving, 
 
 But take a pleasure in good wholesome grieving ! 
 
 You love to bit and bridle, net and noose ; 
 
 But you have long forgotten how to loose ! 
 
 When on this question pressed, you take side issues, 
 
 And weave out webs of immaterial tissues ; 
 
 ^ Equality of sex ! ' you cry, for sample ; 
 
 * Is not the scope of men's indulgence ample ? 
 
 Is not the status of the woman higher 
 
 Than when she is the slave of man's desire ? 
 
 Mete equal justice ; push not woman down 
 
 To be man's footstool, who should be his crown ! ' 
 
 But ah ! what easy answers you could find 
 
 To all this specious talk, were you inclined ; 
 
 If on polj^gamy our social frame 
 
 Were now erected, would you say the same ? 
 
 *' Or else you crj^, ' Cannot the wealthy classes 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE. 55 
 
 Already pick and clioose among tlie lasses ? 
 
 This law would benefit the rich alone ! ' 
 
 And then you pause to hear * the masses ' groan ! 
 
 But you forget 'twas you that made the charge 
 
 Against the rich of license over-large, 
 
 And thought the ^ upper/ not the ' lower orders/ 
 
 Inclined to stretch their matrimonial borders. 
 
 Then what the poor want not, they cannot miss ; 
 
 Most have enough of their domestic bliss ! 
 
 Though vice may hinge on luxury, the point 
 
 Is, can you lay your finger on the joint ? 
 
 Or are there indefinable gradations 
 
 From pinks of luxury to sin's carnations ? 
 
 You run the risk, and arrogantly dot 
 
 Upon the moral chart the dangerous spot, 
 
 And careless in your over-care, you mark 
 
 A strait too narrow for the driven bark. 
 
 That save by steering to the constant star 
 
 Of love, can never pass the harbour bar. 
 
56 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 " Who to the zenith moral standards stitch, 
 And screw their ethics up to concert pitch, 
 And think the clemency of heaven allows 
 To men no breach of monogamic vows, 
 Cannot in argument the value use 
 That they profess in j)ractice to refuse, 
 Nor they alone who plead against a sin 
 May put expediency's reasons in. 
 If monogamic life is one condition 
 On which men go to glory or perdition, 
 'Tis either law divine or human rule ; 
 In morals you can never breed a mule. 
 If you consider that it came from heaven. 
 You cannot prove it by Commandment seven ; 
 No Jew considers that adulterous lives 
 Are being led by those who marry wives. 
 You cannot prove it from a Christian source ; 
 For though Christ preached a sermon on divorce. 
 Now disregarded by all Christian races, 
 He taught not that polygamy disgraces. 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE. 57 
 
 One way remains for you, — be very sure 
 That what the world considers pure, is pure ; 
 Be certain that a nation's wealth and vigour 
 Depend upon its monogamic rigour ; 
 To necessary bagnios be blind ; 
 Divorce proceedings banish from your mind ; 
 Then say, though Scripture has no certain word 
 Condemning plural marriage, His inferred. 
 
 " Or have you given up divine afflatus, 
 
 But say the harem lowers woman's status ? 
 
 "Why copy, then, the Oriental mode ? . • ' 
 
 Because a man wears fur must he wear woad ? 
 
 Because a second wife he takes in honour. 
 
 Why schalwars or a yashmak put upon her ? 
 
 Or for balmorals substitute the slipper ? 
 
 Or set a eunuch over her, or whip her ? 
 
 " But then you say, ' The change is quite unneeded ; 
 No one would use it, if it were conceded.' 
 
58 THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY: 
 
 And why ? Because the sweets that men can steal 
 They will not barter for a purchased meal ; 
 Dives, who lives on ven'son, thinks not cruel 
 A law condemning some to live on gruel ; 
 And they whose wives can satisfy them, stamp 
 The heart-starved husband either fool or scamp. 
 In many another's secret heart is curled 
 The world's great maxim, Imitate the world ; 
 And for the rest, — the pious and their kin, — 
 They are convinced that what is sin, — ^is sin ; 
 Just as the quacks are arrogantly sure 
 That illness is an illness they can cure. 
 
 " In short, religions, like concerns of trade. 
 Puff their own wares, their excellence parade, 
 Make their own market, if their business slackens. 
 And each the other's reputation blackens ; 
 They take out patents for their kej^s, like Chubb, 
 To unlock heaven, and lock Beelzebub ; 
 No matter if the locks a thousandfold 
 
A MATRIMONIAL SATIRE. 59 
 
 Are imitated, so the keys are sold. 
 
 One of these keys to heaven is called Endurance^ 
 
 It has the patent of divine assurance ; 
 
 For to endure and never to repine 
 
 Ennobles men, — a certain note divine. 
 
 But then, how tempting trials to invent 
 
 To meet the obvious divine intent ! 
 
 To fashion locks innumerable, to twist 
 
 With that same master key, that never missed ! 
 
 Modern asceticism ! jN'ot fast and furious. 
 
 With shirt and scourge ; but calm, and slightly spurious ! 
 
 *' Religion and Society are vain 
 In different modes, and neither meek nor plain. 
 All human combinations grasp at power, 
 And each to serve itself must serve the hour. 
 Churches and States are only larger sects. 
 And love the glass that flatteringly reflects ; 
 Marriage and love to be their slaves are fain ; 
 Science stands by in ignorant disdain ; 
 
6o THE EXCELLENT MYSTERY. 
 
 Art smiles benign, but slf gbtly idiotic ; 
 The world, erotic, brands the theme erotic. 
 
 " Yet in some happy, some more simple day. 
 Love may assert his true untrammelled sway, 
 And rebuild purity with fairer stones 
 Than torture-hardened hearts or harlots' bones." 
 
 THE END. 
 
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 In one vol., crown %vo, 5s. 
 
 MY HUSBAND AND I; THE DEATH OF IVAN 
 
 ILIITCH ; AND Other Stories. 
 
 " The volume contains a collection of six stories, each one of which is quite 
 excellent and as full of interest and finished workmanship as any of Tolstoi's 
 most elaborate masterpieces have been." — Whitehall Review. 
 
 In one vol., croivn %vo, bs. 
 
 THE COSSACKS; and EECOLLECTIONS OF 
 
 SEBASTOPOL. 
 
 " The story is one of love and war, told with the same vigour and brilliancy as 
 gained this author's ' War and Peace ' its European reputation."— ^S^cofsmaw. 
 
 In one voL^ with a Portrait and Memoir of Count Tolstoi, price 5s. 
 
 CHILDHOOD, BOYHOOD, AND YOUTH. 
 
CELEBRATED RUSSIAN NOVELS. 
 
 By FEDOE DOSTOIEFFSKY. 
 
 Third Edition, i7i crown 8ro, ioO pa^es, price 6s. 
 
 CRIME AND PUNISHMENT : A Realistic Novel. 
 
 The AthoKviim pronounces " Crime and Punishment" to be " the most moving of 
 all modern novels," and, after eulogising it in the highest terms, says : — " This 
 may sound extravagant praise, but only to those who have not read the volume. 
 To.those who have, it will appear rather under the mark than otherwise." 
 
 "In our opinion Dostoieffsky's finest "work is 'Crime and Punishment.'" — 
 Spectator, 
 
 " The publisher has done good work in publishing ' Crime and Punishment,' a 
 ti'anslation of Dostoieffsky's much-praised novel — a littlo over-praised, perhaps, 
 but a sti'ong thing, beyond all question." — World. 
 
 Second Edition, in croivn 8vo, tvith Portrait and Memoir, price 5s. 
 
 INJURY AND INSULT. 
 
 ** That ' Injury and Insult ' is a powerful novel few will deny. Vania is a mar- 
 vellous character. Once read, the book can never be forgotten." — St. Stephen's 
 Review. 
 
 "A masterpiece of fiction. The author has treated with consummate tact the 
 difficult character of Natasha, 'the incarnation and the slave of passion.' She lives 
 and breathes in these vivid pages, and the reader is drawn into the vortex of her 
 anguish, and rejoices when she breaks free from her chain." — Morning Post. 
 
 In one vol., crown 8vo, price 5s. 
 
 THE FRIEND OF THE FAMILY; and THE 
 
 GAMBLER. 
 
 " Dostoieffsky is one of the keenest observers of humanity amongst modem 
 novelists. Both stories are very valuable as pictures of a society and a people vnth 
 whom we are imperfectly acquainted, but who deserve the closest scrutiny." — 
 Public Opinion. ___^ 
 
 Li one vol., crown Svo, containing nearly 500 pages, price 6s. 
 
 THE IDIOT. 
 
 " There are three Russian novelists who, though, with one exception, little knovm 
 out of their own countiy, stand head and shoulders above most of their contem- 
 poraries. The one with the most marked individuality of character, probably the 
 most highly gifted, is unquestionably Dostoieffsky."— -S^jecfofor. 
 
 VIZETELLY & CO., 42, CATHERINE STREET, LONDON. 
 
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