SNOB PAPERS

A HUMOROUS NOVEL.

BY ADAIR WELOKER.

SACKAMENTO, C-XTlFOKNIA.

" THE SNOB PAPERS," by Adair Welcker, will cause more hearty laughter and genuine
amusement than any novel that has been published for a long while. It is one mass of
perfectly irresistible drollery throughout, and so many intensely comical incidents are
crowded into it that there is no room for anything but mirth. The action takes place in
San Francisco, Oakland and the neighboring country, and hosts of droll characters are
introduced, among them several remarkably lively young ladies and some ladies of uncer
tain age who are untiring fishers in the matrimonial sea. The hero is Junius Oldbiegh,
a bluff old Forty-Niner, who has grown immensely rich at the mines and comes to San
Francisco to mingle with the snobs and see life. He sees a tremendous amount of life,
and through the efforts of designing females gets involved in many vastly amusing diffi
culties, from which he is invariably rescued by Thomas Geseign, a spruce, quick-witted
and comical young man about town, whose shrewd sayings, delivered in his peculiar style
of speech, are of the most convulsing type. The snobs and dudes of San Francisco are
mercilessly ridiculed, and from one end to the other the narrative rattles briskly on, always
sprightly, comical and interesting. All who read " THE SNOB PAPERS " will hugely enjoy it.

PHILADELPHIA:

T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS;

306 CHESTNUT STREET.

6ACEAMENTO, CALIFORNIA.

"SNOB PAPERS. 1 '

"THE SNOB PAPERS," by Adair Welcker, is full of the most roaring
fun, and there is not a page over which the reader will not laugh in the
heartiest fashion. The work is a novel on a thoroughly original plan and
altogether unlike anything heretofore published. The scene is laid in San
Francisco, Oakland and the surrounding country, and the characters
are so thoroughly human that they will be understood and appreciated
everywhere. The people of those cities will enjoy the many local hits. The
httmor of the book is of the highest kind, which is not strained, for it is
founded upon human nature itself. Junius Oldbiegh, an old Forty-
Niner, having accumulated vast wealth at the mines, comes to San Fran
cisco for the purpose of circulating among the snobs and being one of them.
He there falls in with Thomas Geseign, a quick-witted young man about
town possessed of a peculiar method of speech, and the twain become insepa
rable. The traps that are laid to capture Mr. OldbiegJi or extort money
from him, especially by designing females, bring about hosts of highly
ludicrous complications, and there are wholesale exposures of San Fran
cisco snobs and dudes replete with satirical humor. The book is without
a heroine, but nevertheless numbers of young ladies, attractive, romantic
and scheming, figure prominently in its pages and give zest and spice to
the comical narrative. Everybody should read " THE SNOB PAPERS," for
as a bright, breezy romance of excessive drollery it has no equal.

CONTENTS.

Chapter. Page.

i. A MINER'S EVENTFUL BIDE 21

n. MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES . 63
in. MR. GESEIGN'S TRAGEDY 114

IV. CAPTAIN GRUNYON 131

V. A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS 149

VI. AFTER THE EDITOR 177

VII. A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT 200

VIII. AN ELOPEMENT AND AN ARREST 241

ix. AT WOODWARD'S GARDENS 264

X. A CAT CONCERT 283

XI. THE RULES OF SOCIETY 297

XII. A YACHTING TRIP 316

XIII. A SNOB BALL 345

XIV. TWO THRILLING TALES 370

XV. A COUPLE OF SCHEMERS 395

XVI. A SNOB FUNERAL 410

XVII. THE BOARDING SCHOOL 435

XVIII. ADIEU 452

(19)

SNOB PAPEKS.

CHAPTER I.

A MINER S EVENTFUL RIDE.

IT was a bright morning and the warm sun was just
rising and was casting its flood of beams over the
hills back of Oakland, on the smooth blue surface of
the bay of San Francisco, on the bald head of Goat
Island bald as that of a married man on the shining
windows of the houses on Alcatraz Island, on the ship
ping, on the warehouses along the water-front, on the
.city of San Francisco, and coming further to the west,
its rays fell in a perfect blaze on the white front of
one of the old-time decaying hotels on the north end
of Kearney street a hotel that at one time had been
a first-class house, but which had at last been given up
to the poorer classes.

A chambermaid, walking with a lively step along
the rickety porch which ran in front of the second
story of the building, with a green tin slop-pail in her
liand, suddenly stopped and stood in a listening atti
tude. Some one near her had broken out into a loud
and heathenish " Haw ! haw ! haw ! " The girl looked
to the right, but saw no one in a violent state of cachin-

(21)

22 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE.

nation, and she was in the act of looking to the left,
for such a person, when a sound of uncontrollable
laughter was heard directly overhead.

She looked up and saw a great round red face beam
ing with smiles. It was evidently the face of a happy
bachelor. The face was sunburnt and on each of the
red cheeks were side-whiskers of auburn color, a nose,
somewhat flat in the centre of the face, and two great
round clear blue eyes were in the face, and these eyes
were gazing directly at her with an intense stare.

The girl was a new girl, and the idea struck her that
for some inconceivable reason the man leaning out of
the window overhead was laughing at her. A woman
will often get angry under such circumstances. She
glanced rapidly at her dress, which was tucked up by
pins, above her ankles, and at her shoes, with the shoe
strings dragging behind her ; at her brown calico dress,
with half the buttons on her bosom unbuttoned ; and
then she looked angrily at the face which was still
glancing down at her from above, and said ferociously:
"Is it me you are laughing at is it?" "Haw! haw!
haw!" was the only reply which the bachelor conde
scended to give. "Say, are you laughing at me?"
said the girl, more angrily still. Another burst of
laughter, and the gentleman, who was quite a stout
gentleman, leaned further out of the window and
glanced down upon the girl, with that sort of a look
upon his face which is sometimes seen on the face 6f
one person, who gazes at another while he is entirely
oblivious of the presence of that other.

"Do you suppose you know what you are?" said

A MINER'S EVENTFUL HIDE. 2

the girl, now in a violent state of passion ; " you're an
old fool! You haven't got enough brains for a mus-
quito! Oh ! you old baby's-face ! You've got a laugh
for which you'd ought to be arrested ! I never see
your like before, except when I see the monkeys at
Woodward's; and there's where you ought to be
exhibited with the other apes and baboons. There
now!"

When the angry, rattling tongue of the girl ceased
its abuse, the gentleman above, seeming to recognize
her presence for the first time, gazed at her in a long,
serious stare ; and then, as if to keep some humorous
idea out of his mind, he again broke out into loud
guffaws, after which he mopped his perspiring fore
head with a large red-bordered silk handkerchief, and
wiped the tears from his eyes.

" She's a widdyer ! " said he, " a reg'lar two-forty
widdyer! A downright screamin' widdyer; a wid
dyer! haw! haw!" He seemed intensely amused at
the curious thought.

" I'll show you what kind of a widow I am ! " said
the girl, white in the face, as she took a rag from the
pail, and squeezed the water out of it, after which she
flung it at him with her full force. It missed his head
and struck the window-pane, and the glass came tumb
ling in shattered pieces about the girl, ringing as it
struck the porch around her. "Curse you!" said
the girl, but the head of the man she cursed was no
longer to be seen, for he had withdrawn it with won
derful rapidity into the room, and had not looked out
since she had thrown the rag at him.

24 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE.

She went into a hall that opened upon a porch, the
light shining upon her blonde hair as she went. The
question may arise in the reader's mind was the hair
real? The writer possesses no information on the sub
ject. She turned out of this hallway into a dark pas
sage at right angles to it; and just as she turned a
stout gentleman in a white vest and a great brown
coat, with enormous pockets in it; with one of the
best-natured sunburnt faces in the world a face that
proved that there was a big heart under the white
vest and the same large light blue eyes, which proved
him to be the same man who had been at the window
up-stairs, caught sight of her as he came down the
stairway from the story above. He followed after her,
and when he turned around the corner into the dark
passage-way, he found the girl there, holding her dress
up to her eyes with both hands, sobbing.

"Say, woht's the matter?" said he, putting his
thick hand on her shoulder.

" Matter enough," s*id the girl. " You insulted me;
so go 'way, and leave me alone."

44 Old Junius Oldbiegh insulted you? Bluff old
Junyers, who'd like to see himself shot dead as a
dried mackerel before ever he insulted any woman !
No, no, little one, it aren't in him, and it couldn't be
did, nohow ! "

44 And you made me break the window! " sobbed the
girl ; 44 and it'll take my whole week's wages to pay
for it, ter-hooh ! ter-hooh ! "

44 No, I guess not; not yet; not ef I know myself;
danged ef it do!" said the gentleman, who had desig-

A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 25

nated himself in a proud tone of voice as " old Junius
Oldbiegh," and he slipped a twent}' dollar piece in the
girl's hand. " So stop you? slobbering, now," said he.

The girl looked at it. " Oh ! that's too much,"
said she.

" Too much ! What a critter it are ! " said the gen.
tleman. "Look a-here, young lady; look at me; do
you know what I am? I'm a wealthy snob. I've
struck it rich. I'm worth a solid million ; and I'm as
big a snob for money as a monopolist ! Haw ! haw !
Funny, aren't it? I'm just like a twin brother to a
bonanza king, since I've struck it rich, and I s'pose
I'll have to have a residence on Nob Hill, and be a
snob. But the widdyers is already arter it like a thou
sand of wolves ; thick and thin ; a fightin', and a
scratching and a screamin' for it; just a tusslin' and
crowdin' in arter me ! The way they're arter me is
astonishin' ; haw ! haw ! What a way they must love
me ! One especially ! One very perticklerly ! he !
he!"

The girl stared at him in astonishment, wondering
whether he was what he represented himself to be, or
whether he was mad and an escaped lunatic.

" Where'd you get your money?" she asked.

" I'm a miner, and I've been diggin' away at my
mine for fifteen years and it's panned out big at last,
and I've come to town to be a snob !" said he, his
face beaming with smiles. " Don't I look as if I might
make a first-rate snob?"

" Well," said the girl, "if that's true, you better
leave this house at once."

26 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE.

"Why?" asked the miner.

" Because," said the girl, " it's filled full of thieves ! "

;< Thieves ! haw ! haw ! " roared the jolly gentleman,
as he ran an arm into each of the deep pockets of his
coat, and pulled out of one a bowie-knife and out of
the other a pistol. " See them ? " said he. " Gaze at
them ! Aren't they beauties ? I call the knife the
4 thief's inveterate disgust,' and this here pistol has
a powder in it that kills thieves off. They can't stand
the smell of it!"

"The kind of thieves you've got to look out for,"
said the girl, "have to be fought with something be
sides weapons like them. You better go to a first-
class hotel."

" What's this ? Ain't this an A No. 1, first-class,
bang-up place to stop at?"

" What ! this old rattle-trap ? " said the girl, with a
smile. " No, it ain't."

"Don't the nobs put up here? Don't the mining
sharps and the corporation nobs put up at this she
bang?"

" No, they don't," said the girl, with something of
sauciness in her tone.

" Well, I'll be etarnally bobbed ! I've been took in
by that queer chap with the yallar head ; haw ! haw !
He's as bad as bad as the widdyer what writ me the
note only she ain't took me in yet. Not by a jugfull,
haw ! haw ! " and Mr. Junius Oldbiegh broke into an
intense fit of laughter, which was so violent at inter
vals that nothing was heard but a rumbling sound
under his great white damask vest like the sound which

A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 27

sometimes goes before an earthquake, while the tears
came from his jolly blue eyes and coursed rapidly
down his nose. After he had partially recovered him
self, he poked the girl playfully in the ribs with his
great forefinger, while he inquired :

"Are you a widdyer? A reg'lar two-forty widdyer ?"
" Go 'way, you ugly old brute ! " said the chamber
maid, with a smile, who, by the way, was quite a
pretty chambermaid, with her blonde hair, her muscu
lar arms and her rosy cheeks dressed, as she was, in
her loose brown dress, her pretty feet peeping out from
the unbuttoned shoes, with their red tassels on them.
" How did you happen to get into this house ? " asked
the girl.

"Well, little one," said her companion, "you see it
was just like this. I was walkin' away from the train
on which I'd come to the city, with my blankets over
my shoulder and a luggin' away at my verlise, when
suddenly, before I know'd it, my verlise was out of my
hand, and as queer a lookin' specimen as you ever see
walkin' off with it, as though I'd made him a present
of it. I let out one long whistle, and then I called to
him, ' Look-e here, my son ! ' says I. He says nothin'
but walked right along about four foot ahead of me,
as stiff as a ghost which had been insulted by some
body or other, I kept tuggin' arter him with my
blankets, and then I sung out to him again. The
critter commenced whistlin' 'Yankee Doodle' just
like a fife between his teeth, but he never looked
round and kept on whistlin' 'Yankee Doodle' and
walkin' ahead of me stiff as a musical ghost. 4 Well ! '

28 A MINER'S EVENTFUL HIDE.

thinks I, gettin' mad, 4 ef Ms is the way they do busi
ness in the city now-a-days, it just beats me, darned ef
it don't ; I'll make a revolution,' thinks I, so I dropped
my blankets, and the way I grabbed the young man
by the back of the neck was astonishin', and I was
just about to roll him in the mud at the edge of the
sidewalk and give him a mud shower-bath, when he
stopped whistlin' and he says, says he, ' My friend, go
slow. Don't waste your energies. It's all right;
don't fret yourself into a rage. I'm your friend and
know'd you when you saved the gal's life by a heroic
effort, at the fire in Virgin ny City, and dragged her by
the hair of the head forty feet through the wild, roar
ing flames! It's all right in the spring,' says he, wink-
in' at me with his left eye. ' I've been a miner, too, old
pard,' says he, ' and who ever heard of one 'miner going
back on another? No man. A course they ain't;
and if any fellow says he ever heard of such a thing,
just let me know, and I'll polish his mug, black his
eyes, bloody his nose and knock him clean out of
time. But,' says this young feller, what was luggin'
my verlise, 'joking aside,' says he, 'the man what rode
down in the same seat with you aboard the cars, he says
to me he wanted me to look out arter you and take you
to the best hotel in town ; and bein' a runner for
hotels, I'm agoin' to do it.' I never was in Virginny
City arter all ; so when he spoke about Virginny City
I know'd he was lyin' ; but the man what rode on the
car with me did say he'd look out for me, and that
made me think he was tellin' the truth, and had only
throw'd in the Virginny City business as an extra;

A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 29

and what he said about miners sort of made me unsus
picious ; so when he said he'd take me to the most smash-
in', bang-up hotel in town, I thought it was all right.
Another thing that made me think it was all right was
this. I ain't been in town for seventeen year, yes,
and more, little one, and have lived in the mines all
that time, and the mines are sort of rough, you know ;
and this is the biggest house I've seen for many a year,
though I s'pose from what you say ther' are bigger
ones. Besides, everything looks kinder changed to
me ; especially to see such a lot of women. The place
is thick with 'em. Petticoats by the thousands scoot
ing about in all directions. Besides this, when I' was
cuttin' tobacco for my pipe yesterday, into a news
paper, I asked a little fellow, who was sittin' alongside
of me, what people was stoppin' at the hotel, and he
took his pipe from between his teeth and he says, says
he, ' Flood and O'Brine what owns all the mines, and
Stanford and Crocker what owns the railroads, and
Sharon,' says he, ' what owns the hotels.' So you see,
little one, I thought it was all right. Well, I see you
want to go on with your work, so I'll go down to the
office and see if I've got any more letters."

In a moment the broad back of Junius Oldbiegh
was seen descending the stairway, and his heavy boots
made his steps sound loudly as they came down one
after another on the brass plates that covered the steps
of the stairway.

With a heavy, rolling walk, with which the large
ness of the calves of his legs seemed to be in some
manner connected, for they almost touched when he

30 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE.

was standing still, he strode up through the gate that
opened .into the place where the clerk of the hotel
stood. The clerk was standing in front of a black
board on the wall, from innumerable nails in which
hung brass keys. The old miner came up behind him
and gave him such a slap on the back that the little
clerk's pen dropped from behind his ear to the floor,
while a cloud of dust came out of his gray woollen
coat. The clerk, whose shoulder was aching with
pain, turned around savagely, with the remark, " Who
the deuce authorized you to come inside of this rail-
ing?"

" That's all right, my son," said the miner, with an
extremely benevolent smile. " Ef you'll look on your
bouks you'll find my board bill is paid up to date.
Look for Junius Oldbiegh that ar's my handle. So
I guess I'm one of the privileged characters in this
yer house."

" I'll show you pretty quick," said the little clerk,
snarling under his blonde moustache. " Get out of
here, and be lively about it; do you hear?"

"Saw, boss! saw, boss!" said Mr. Junius Oldbiegh,
as he stroked the back of the clerk, and spoke in that 1
soothing tone of voice which is so often used to drive
away the angry passions of an angry milch co\v.
" Saw, boss I " said the old fellow, grinning good-
humoredly, " that ain't the way to talk to old Juny-
ers ! "

" Get out of here ! " said the irate clerk, seizing a
pistol from under the counter, which he had no sooner
touched than the old miner had grasped both of his

A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 31

arras from behind, while he held him so firmly that no
use could be made of his pistol by the clerk.

" Now," said the person who bore the name of Old-
biegh with such apparent pleasure to himself, "this is
no jokin' matter, so don't make a fool of yourself, for
I'm not the man to be fooled with ! If I hurt you, I
didn't mean it ! Thar, now, ain't that fair enough ? "

u Well," said the clerk, " seeing you've apologized,
I'm willing- to let up on you; but if you hadn't apolo
gized, I was so fearful mad, I'd blow'd a hole through
you ! "

" Come, boys," said the miner to the crowd which
had gathered around the scene, " come up and drink
the health of Mr. German."

" Jarmyn," said the clerk, sharply.

" Jarmyn," said the gentleman with the white vest.
" Put it thar', Jarmyn," said he extending his hand as
they walked up to the bar. " Shake on it, Jarmyn ;
for, as ther' warn't nothiii' meant, no harm's done's
the way I put it up."

Quite a crowd of curious figures and curious faces
were reflected in the mirror behind the bar ; and it
was a beautiful sight to perceive the dignity and ease
with which these many persons clinked their glasses,
as the jolly miner asked the all-enthralling question
"all set?" in a gruff voice; and then it was quite
astonishing to note the grace with which these gentle
men in perfect time performed the difficult feat of rais
ing their glasses in the air, holding them all in the air
long enough to gaze a moment with one eye at the
yellow liquid, the other being closed, when their arms

32 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE.

in unison brought the glasses to their lips, when all,
together, with one swallow, in perfect unison, at the
same moment that their " Adam's apples " rose and
fell, cast the liquid down their throats, and immedi
ately afterwards it was discovered that the glasses
were empty! It was a sight worthy of the paint, oils
and crayons of an artist. And to a benevolent and
philosophical mind, it was quite pleasing to see the good
humor that immediately spread over the countenances
of the persons there present. For the time being they
were indeed made happy. And to such a mind it
would have been quite delightful to notice the fact
that what at one time appeared to be the opening of a
dangerous quarrel had thus terminated in perfect peace
and good feeling.

In the course of time the little clerk became ex
tremely friendly, indeed, and came up to Mr. Junius
Oldbiegh, who was now sitting in one of those heavy
arm-chairs, so often seen in third-class hotels, which
are held together by twisted wires to prevent them
from coming to pieces, when the guests tilt them back
on their hind legs, while sitting in them, as Mr. Junius
Oldbiegh was himself doing when the clerk came up
to him.

Mr. Oldbiegh, with a broad smile on his sunburnt
features a smile which wrinkled up his features be
neath his side chops, and almost reached his ears on
either side of his face, was reading a letter.

" What's set you off?" asked the clerk.

" I've been a readin' this here letter from a widdyer,

A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 33

and I've been tryin' to make out whether I'd ought to
answer it or not, she bein' a widdyer."

" Let me see it," said the clerk.

" No yer don't ! " said the other, with a leer on his
countenance, while he poked the clerk between the
ribs with his thumb, a movement which seemed to be
a favorite one with him.

" A widder," said the clerk, playfully touching him
in the ribs in return, for the clerk had since drinking
his cocktail become very familiar and very friendly.
" What's she up to ? " he asked.

" Well, that's just what I'm arter tryin' to make out.
In the first place, she says she's willin' to be my house
keeper; and she says I must write an immediate
answer to let her know whether to call on me. What's
yer judgment on it?"

" Write her to call on you, of course."

" Do you think so ? " said the other, opening his
great blue eyes in wonder.

" Of course," said the clerk, " it's chivalry to do it."

" It's chivalry," said the other, pondering for a
moment, not knowing exactly what the term meant,
but believing from the tone of voice of the clerk that
it was the proper thing. " Waal, sir," said he, " that's
what I am ; I'm chivalry from the socks up. Have
you got a piece of paper and a pen what you'd be
willin' to loan?"

The clerk brought him several pieces of paper, a
pen and ink, and placed them on a green covered
table near a window for him. After drawing his chair
backwards and forwards a few times, Junius Oldbiegh

-r 34 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE.

attempted to answer the letter, but could not make up
his mind how to commence. After scratching his head
and going through other curious performances, to get
up enthusiasm, he tilted his chair back, put his heavy
boots on the top of the table, took out his pipe and
lighted it, puffed rapidly several times, and re-read the
letter, of which the following is a copy :

"SAN FRANCISCO, BERMINGHAM HOUSE, )
R. 34, (left entrance.) )

"MR. JUNYERS HALBY. Deer Sur: How shall I
cummens! Say? How shall I? Sens I see you fust
(yisterday 7 a. m. three minits more or less), when I
see you a gazin' out off the winder off the room were
I suppos' you sleep, I was tuk all off a heap at fust
sight, and my harte went ker-flipperty-flip, ker-flipperty-
flop, all fer you. I see yer round fais as if though it
would never stop smilin' and nothin' couldn't stop it
fer nothin' never ! Wen I see you I was tuk of such
a heap in my harte ! It was feelins of delite wen I see
your red fais and round head, a smilin' all over ! Then
I asked a dirty-faced boy wot was passin' who you be,
an' he said you was Jay Guled. Then I learned, you
need not ask me 'ow, you was a miner with a tremen-
dyous bag off gold dust and a mind ! So I said to my-
selve, I did, did I, he'll want a housekeeper, and miners
like widders, which I am, I says, says I, and I says, says
I, people does say I'm young and very harnsome, and
if there's anything what miners does like, it's harn-
someness in a woman, I says, says I, which I be. And,
says I, my landlord wants to get my rent, but he don't

A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 35

get a postage stamp, says I, (but that ain't no matter,
as blood don't come from turnups), and I says every
rich mining man has a housekeeper ! Be you married?
It don't make no hods ; it's so with them. Anser awful
quick. I'm perspiring dreadfully for an anser.

" Yours affectionately, KATE BRUMLIN."

After reading this note through for the tenth time,
Mr. Junius Oldbiegh gazed sadly at a spider crawling
down a web from the white painted boards of the ceil
ing to the blue and red fly-specked tissue paper that
hung around the gas-burner in the centre of the room,
and then a sweet smile crept over his features, for an
idea filled with encouragement had struck him. He
would take a drink first, and then proceed. He sung
out to the barkeeper, who was standing by the window
with his hands beneath his white apron, gazing with
intense delight out upon the street at a white boy and
a China boy who were engaged in the unprofitable
occupation of punching each other's heads; he sung
out to this person to bring him a -whiskey straight.
u That'll make the ideas flow like a man with a bull
arter him," said he to himself. " That'll bring urn, or
I'll eat my hat whole ! " But the rumbling of the
wagons over the street and the intense interest with
which the barkeeper watched the fight prevented him
from being heard.

" Billy ! " said a voice behind him, " bring the gen
tleman what he calls for. Billy you monkey don't
you hear? Bring it quick, strong and plenty of
it!"

On looking up, with an expression of astonishment,

36 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE.

Mr. Oldbeigh saw the man who had carried his
valise.

" Haw ! haw ! " he roared. " Hello, my son ! is that
you?"

" Part of me," said the young man, in a rapid tone,
with a wink. " It looks just like me ; don't it? Don't
tell anybody I said so, will you ? Ever see anything
more natural to life ? Give us yer fin, Roxy. You
look like yourself, too, very much. Strange, ain't it?"

The gentleman addressed as Roxy, beaming with
smiles, arose and shook the young man's hand heartily
in his rough grasp.

" Say ! " said the young man ; " hold up, when you've
shook my arm out of the socket ; save the pieces ;
for I consider them of great value. Bring enough for
two, Billy," said he to the barkeeper, who was passing.
" I drink," said he, to his companion, " though you'd
never think it! I know I look like a young minister I
I can't help it. My pa brought me up so, and it's too
late to change ! "

He drew a chair close to Mr. Oldbiegh and sat down
with an impertinent look on his face which greatly
amused the other.

" Say ! " said the stout gentleman in the white waist
coat, "what air you, anyhow?"

"Me?" said the other, "I've been everything
even a married man."

" Are you married, arter all ? " asked his companion.

" Just got done with my third wife. I married her
when I was quite a child. I loved her. Intense bliss
my soul full of poetry! Overflowing in my ardor.
She ten years older than me. What a fairy creachuw

A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 37

she seemed ! Oh ! dear ! my fond heart sit still ! I
walked the streets like a maniac when she was cruel
wept with delight when she would be kind. A long-
legged parson for a fiver joined us for better and an
awful sight worse ! Think of it ! For life ! I took
her home, and while joining our lips in a moment of in
tense bliss, her teeth fell out ! It took me quite by sur
prise but I stood the shock, picked them up, and, with
a sweet smile, handed them to her. Tried it again.
Another kiss more bliss her hair fell off a bald nob
was left. Taken by surprise again survived the shock.
I was passionate those days ! Another kiss. Intense
bliss! Two pads fell out of her bosom. Taken by
surprise again. Quite so. I expostulated and told her
to quit that sort of thing. I was furious, but mastered
my fury, for I had taken her for life. I was young
and passionate those days. Tried to kiss her again
but she wouldn't let me ! Think of it ! I was furi
ous. 'Old girl,' said I, 'this has gone too far. I
thought I married you ? It seems not. I have mar
ried a blonde wig, a set of false teeth and two pads
what else, I cannot tell ! I have taken them for better
or worse, 'till they are parted from me by death.
Need I tell you I escaped got a divorce and went
west."

" Give us your fin," said his jolly companion, as
soon as he could overcome the rumbling sounds beneath
his vest. " Hand me your paw; I like your style."

" And / like yours," said the young man, as he
shook his hand heartily. " I'm glad it's mutual."

The speaker was a man about twenty-four years of

38 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE.

age, and was dressed in what appeared to be a green
velvet jacket, and in pantaloons with yellow stripes
which ran down the legs. Hanging from his vest was
a long brass chain which ran to the lower pockets in
either side of the vest. His shoes were rough and
mi blacked. His face, which was smooth-shaved, was
so covered with freckles that his skin almost seemed
yellow. His eyes, which were clear and bright, were
of a light blue color, very similar to that of his large
companion, but they were not as large as those of the
other. His forehead was high, and his hair, which was
light red, was as closely shingled as the hair on the
head of a convict. On the table was lying his stiff,
round hat, the front rim of which was broken, and for
this reason he always wore it hind part before. On
this hat was a band, and on this band in gilt letters,
" Golden Chariot," the name of the hotel.

The barkeeper now placed two glasses on the table,
one of which was composed of steaming hot Scotch.
Noticing the fact that the miner looked at it inquir
ingly, the red-headed young man said : " My drink
did I say whisky? Billy knows better. I take it
always, though it's against my principles to drink."

"You say you've been married," said the other,
handing his letter to the young man. " There's some
thing wrote to a friend of mine what'll puzzle a mar
ried man, I think," and he began to puff his pipe as if
there could be no doubt on the subject.

The young man threw his heels upon the table,
tilted his black chair back and read the letter. After
reading the letter he said : ' Say! shall I tell you?"

A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 39

"What?" said the other, as his large blue eyes
beamed with good humor.

" That friend of yours isn't good company for you.
If you run with him you'll be corrupted, sure. He
he's a sly dog. Take an old man's advice drop him."

The rumbling beneath the spacious waistcoat com
menced again. "But he wants me to answer it fur
him, and," said he, scratching his head, " I'm darned ef
I know how to begin. I'll swar I can't git her goin'
nohow."

" Easy, easy," said the young man. " Take a
drink so. Ah ! my glass is empty."

" Let's go and get a drink," said the other.

' Just call Billy; Billy will come willingly. Take
your pen so. Take your paper so. San Francisco
write it down."

" How'd 'Frisco do?" said the other. "It sounds
more like old times," said he, taking his pipe from his
mouth.

" It's more poetical," said the young man, and
proves you're young. Slap her down 'Frisco. Is this
the 9th ? Say, Billy, is this the 9th ? So it is. Down
she goes. Catalina, my darling ! How's that?"

" 'Twon't do; never do," said the other; "it's too
familiar for a man who's come to town for awhile to
see the sights and be a snob, a reglar snob ! haw !
haw!"

His companion looked at him curiously. " Ah ! I see
your go. Afraid to be bled; go slow; quite right,
and I admire you for it. Just like me. I rode to the
wedding of my second wife on the outside of a hearse.

40 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE.

I borrowed it from a friend for the auspicious occa
sion. It chimed in beautifully with my natural mel
ancholy. How's this? 4 Madam, your letter received.'"

"That's the ticket," said the other; "you've started
the wheels agoin' and my ideas is runnin' now. Give
me the pen and let me plank down my thoughts."

He took the pen between his great rough fingers,
and with his mouth open and his eyes staring fixedly
at the paper, wrote slowly, his pen sticking often in
the paper and spattering the ink before it, as follows :

" MADAM : Your letter received, in which you says
you are a widd} 7 er, to keep me, while you are my
housekeeper. No, you don't ! I aren't got no house,
mum, for you to keep, I am sorry to say, for I always
like to oblige any lady wotsoever. I'm an old Batch,
Love, what is in a city for the fust time in sixtean
year, and I'm as rough as a Grizzly Bar; and I'd
frighten any widdyer to death all in no time at all !

"You say when you fust see me your harte went
flipperty-flop and you was took all of a heap ! I'm
very sorry to have been the disagreeable cause of this
here and would advise a doctore."

"How's that?" said he, turning to his companion.

" Good. Add fresh air. Advise sea-baths and the
mad whirl of society. That's the regular cure. I've
tried it. When the sea water grew cold, too cold for
me, then in my anguish an idea struck me. I put salt
in the bath-tub, filled her full, put a potatoe in, and
when it swam got in myself with the potatoe and

A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 41

swam too. It cured me completely and saved me
from a fourth wife. Fact, I assure you."

Mr. Junius Oldbiegh continued his letter as follows:

"Next. You say you made inquiries, mum, of a
dirty-faced boy and other people, mum, about me,
what told you I was a miner with a tremenders bag of
gold. Yes, mum, it was correct. Right as a tricket.
And when Pm in town, I'm goin' to get the latest
style of clothes, get my boots polished, wear a dandy
hat, hire a smash-up kerridge and be a snob !

" Next. You wish to know am I married. Not a
bit on it! and never was; and a pard of mine once
told me (he'd been to town) that all the women in town
was in secret drivin' at a two-forty rate to catch hus-
berns ! This I throw out for the benefit of widdyers,
though I would not say a word to be unpolite to
any woman, not I.

" Next. You desire to call on me. My anser is

He stopped. " What's your opinion?" said he, turn
ing to his companion, who had been sitting with his
head thrown back, watching the pretty chambermaid,
who was polishing the brasses on the stairway which
led down to the large waiting-room; and he had been
still further amusing himself by smiling at her; and
when he was unobserved by others, by throwing kisses
at her ; whereupon she would glance at him angrily,
and then he would drive this anger away by looking at
her with all sorts of curious and ludicrous expressions
on his face, which made her smile, in spite of herself.

42 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE.

At the moment he was spoken to, lie had his hat on
the right side of his head, the rim over the right eye,
while with a very solemn expression on his face, he
stared at her with his left eye very steadily. This in
duced her to look at him sternly for a moment, when
an enchanting smile came over her pretty face, which
she tried to conceal by turning around and rubbing
the brass plates violently.

"What's that?" said the young man. "Say it
again, and say it slow; There's plent}^ of time. Go
it now. I'm all ready.-" And he placed himself, with
a comical expression on his freckled countenance, in a
listening attitude.

"How'dyou anser about lettin' her come to see me?"

"Let her come. Tell her so. Be a chiv. The
deuce take the consequences. The sweet first, the
bitter afterwards. That's me. Things turn out
how? You can't tell. Never as you expect them
nothing does. And a man of brains pshaw! it's
nothing gets out of all difficulties."

"Well, marm, you may come, arter all," he added,
and signed his name, Junius Oldbiegh.

" Is that your name ? " said the young man. " Why,
I know you like the book of Job. My father was a
miner. He was and I came from where you was
once. I'm Tommy Geseign, sometimes known as ragged
Tom, the village scamp. I could be seen at all hours
of the day running madly, running wild through the
streets, my hair sticking through a hole in my hat, my
shirt sticking through a rent in my trowsers. Myself,
as I ran whistling innocently between two side teeth

A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 43

a patriotic air. Oh ! how I suffah when I recall those
innocent days! In those days my childish lungs softly
drank in with delight the cowslip's sweet breath, the
pansies' and daisies' the breath of the wild flowers.
Ah ! how I robbed the nests of wild birds ; how I
fished in streams of silver. How I loved on the greeii
banks of the mountain'stream ; and when I kissed her
how we struggled ! How she scratched ! Delightful
days enchanting hours moments of bliss never to
return. Dick Bad, the boy with the redwood heart,
was my chum, and silly Tom, the ugly fiend. Those
happy days ! never to return ! "

His companion looked at him earnestly for some
moments, and then as his round, sunburnt countenance
broke out into a smile of recognition, he exclaimed :

"Wy, bless my heart. It are Tom! And what a
mischevyous young devil you used to be ! What a
terror you was for robbin' orchards! I'd a thought
you was in the state's prison long ago. Whar' you
been all the time?"

"Where? How?" said the other. "I've been
everywhere under the sun. I was beaten across the
Pacific before the mast, in the forecastle, by a mate
with a club in his hand disagreeable ! The forecastle
smelled like a fish-house. Cockroaches, big as horses,
with sarcastic expressions on their upper lips. The
butter walked around the table and wore a hairy mous
tache. The sailors ate salt junk and the bugs dined
on the sailors. Queer? Not at all. I'll bet they took
the sailors for salt junk.

"Back again. Was cuffed and buffeted by this cruel

44 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE.

world. Have been kicked and cuffed ever since. I
seem to have been born for a foot-ball. Quite so.
I've been darned hungry. Jaws in like a balloon col
lapsed for want of grub. Grub ! grub ! how sweet
the sound ! I learned how to starve. I know how
now, so it comes easy. I've seen hard times. It
teaches a man, though, an awful sight. So long, old
boy; see you later," and he got up and went behind
the stairway.

His companion did not notice that Becky, for that
was the name by which the chambermaid was called,
had gone behind those steps but a moment before. He
leaned back in the chair, looked abstractedly at the
flies on the ceiling, after which he sighed heavily, re
marked, " What a critter it are ! " and then put on his
broad-brimmed hat, went to the office, put his letter in
an envelope and gave it to the clerk, Mr. Jarmyn, who
put it in the tin mail-box by his mahogany desk. Mr.
Oldbiegh looked at the octagonal-shaped clock hang
ing over the green office safe. It was half-past eleven.
He walked down the broad stairway to Kearney street.
It had been many years since he had been in 'Frisco,
and everything seemed new to him. A mine upon
which he had worked a number of years had proved to
be very rich; and after selling out a part interest in it,
he had concluded to return once more to city life for
awhile.

He was dressed in the best clothes he had, but he
concluded that while in the city the thing to do was to
dress in the best of fashion. There was a large store
not far from the Bella Union Theatre. Hanging in

A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 45

front of this store, swaying in the wind, were a num
ber of articles of men's wearing materials, and in the
show windows, on either side of the doorway, white
and red shirts, different colored calico shirts, colored
socks and cravats. And on wooden and wire figures,
in front of the show-windows, and on the sidewalk,
were men's suits.

While he was standing before the store, gazing with
open eyes at the goods displayed in front of him, a
little man with a bald head and wiry black whiskers
seized Mr. Oldbiegh by the vest and started to drag
him into the store.

"You vant a soohd? Veil, I haf cot a soohd.
Sblendid materials, foine ardigles. Ladest sdyle. Oh!
so foine ! So foine dey vas ! Dey mage your eyes
vorter ! Dey vas sblendid, sblendid ! "

The great broad-shouldered miner stood perfectly
still and glanced down, with a look of astonished
amusement, at the bald head of the little creature
below him, who, while he continued to tug at his vest,
continued to praise the goods in a mechanical see-saw
tone of voice. The other waited for him to cease
talking, and as he did not, he inquired good-humoredly,
in his gruff yoice :

" When was you wound up, and how long are you
going to run?"

" Vound up," said the little man, looking up. " A
soohd, a be-youtiful soohd and it vas sheap ! oh ! so
, sheap ! "

"Well," said Mr. Oldbiegh, "let me see it; but I
want the best style, the very latest."

46 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE.

" Of goarse you do ! A be-youtiful shentlemans I
mean a beyoutiful soohd ! A foine and 'a handsome
shentlemans ! You vant the very ladest, and from
New York; and I'fe got it lader than any other house
in down."

He led the way into the back part of the store, where
a gas jet was burning over a counter covered with
clothes.

" That ish ferry pad goods," said the merchant, feel
ing the quality of the long-tailed brown coat which
Mr. Oldbiegh wore. "Such goods I would not haf
in my store! Oh! no! no! I nefar woohd ! and
the pockets are too big ! Dry dem on ! " said he, hold
ing out a pair of pantaloons. " Stand pehind the
gounder and put dum on by der gaz-light you will
find dum zo nize ! zo nize ! "

Mr. Junius Oldbiegh did his best to get his large
boots into the leg of the pantaloons, while the mer
chant gazed abstractedly toward the street door; but
it was impossible, and at last the pants were heard
to rip.

" Dake dum oud ! Dake dum oud ! quick ! "
shrieked the little store-keeper, in an agonized tone of
voice, as he hurried around behind the counter just in
time to see the enormous dust-covered boot coming
out of the pantaloons. " Cbotness cracious heafens ! "
said the little man, as he gazed upon the boot which
was about half as tall as he was himself. " What a
poots ! what a poots ! " said he, holding up his hands
with horror. "It would split a pants of sheet iron I
Dake dum orf!"

A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 47

The miner took off his boots and stood in his bare
feet on the floor, for he wore no socks. The yellow
gaslight fell upon his feet and showed them to be quite
dirty. "What a dirty feed!" said the little store
keeper, holding up his hands again. " Oh ! tear me,
they will spoil my beyoutiful pands ! Pud dum on
quick ! pud dum on quick ! "

Mr. Oldbiegh, after a great deal of labor, succeeded
in getting on the pants, which fitted him like gloves,
except at the bottom, where the legs of the pantaloons
bulged out like two minute lady's dresses, when held
out by hoops. The pantaloons were also too tight
around the legs.

" Oh ! dey are beyoutiful ! so foine ! and dey fit you
like der baper on der vail ! So foine ! Here is a
prown coad, which will look so foine with dose gray
drowsers. Pud it on ! pud it on ! Pud on der fest
first ! Now der coad ! So foine ! so foine ! " said the
little man, rubbing the coat tenderly with his hand.
" Beyoutiful ! and fits you as der baper on der vail ! "
Vork oud and see in the glass. See how foine you
look in der ladest sdyle. Der coad was so foine its
makes my moud vorter! Dake id orf! dake id orf!
Dry on my foine shirds ladest sdyle."

Mr. Oldbiegh took off his coat and vest and tried on
some white shirts, which the little merchant held up.
As soon as he had gotten one on, over his flannel shirt,
he gazed upon himself in the mirror. The shirt was
ready to rip, it fit him so tightly. The miner turned
his back to the mirror and looked over his shoulder to
see how it fit him behind. The tail of the shirt was so

48 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE.

short that in bending his body it had come out of his
pants.

" Look here ! " said he to the little man, " this shirt
aren't got no tail to it ! "

" No dail ! no dail ! " shrieked the little man ; " do
you want a chib to a man-of-war? Dot vas a peyouti-
ful, peyoutiful dail ! So foine ! "

" It aren't no more than three inches long, nohow,"
said the other.

" Cootness cracious me ! " said the little man. "How
long do you vont it, dot dail? You ton't vont it to
sweep on the folore ! You ton'd vont it to hang down
under your heels ? You ton'd vont a dail like the dail
of a skoy rarket ? No, no, no, no ! Dot dail is in
sdyle. For der ladest sdyle it is too long. One inch
is vorn now by der President? Der ladest sdyle, so
foine ! "

After inducing his customer to take a dozen of what
Mr. Oldbiegh termed " biled shirts," the store-keeper
brought out some brown silk socks, with red stripes
running down either side, and some blue socks with
yellow stripes running around them; and after this
some patent leather shoes, with a slick black surface
and very large steel buckles on them, were sold to him.
When he complained that the shoes were too small, the
store-keeper rubbed his hands with glee : " No-o-o,
no-o-o-o!" said he; "der sdyle is to haf dum fid, a
good dide fid."

Mr. Oldbiegh was completely fitted out when he had
put on a high collar, which seemed ready to saw his
side- whiskers off whenever he moved his head; and

A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 49

when his head was crowned with a small helmet hat, a
round hat with almost no brim, while surveying him
self in the glass and while a smile played over his full
cheeks and in his round blue eyes, Mr. Junius Old-
biegh broke out in a soliloquy of which the following
is a verbatim statement :

" Thar' yer be, haw ! haw ! Well, I'll be darned ef
I'd a know'd yer ef I'd met yer on the street darned
ef I would ! And how them skin-tight pants do stand
out at the bottom, like as ef my legs was stuck through
the top of two steeples, haw ! haw ! All in the latest
style, a coverin' my shoes clean out to the toes, darned
ef they don't; and then that thar' coat, with its leetle
bob-tails behind, and this yer hat all in the latest style,
does fit me like a reg'lar snob, haw ! haw ! And then
this yer collar, a sawin' my years clean off! Wy, w'at
a snob I be ; so oncomfortable, too, like any othei
snob, haw ! haw ! Wy, whar's ther pockets ? " said he,
bending up his elbows, and feeling in the place where
he thought the pockets ought to be.

"It ain'd der sdyle ! It ain'd der sdyle ! " protested
the merchant, as he rubbed his hands with glee.

"Look-e yer, my little pard," said the other; "for
sixteen year, when I worn't to work, I've carried my
hands in my pockets, and I've grow'd too old to quit a
doin' of it ! "

"Let me dell yer! let me dell yer!" said the store
keeper ; "feel in der hind part of der goat I feel dere !
teel dere ! "

Mr. Oldbiegh felt in the four-inch tails of the coat
and found two pockets. " Do I carry my hands i.i)
3

50 A MINER'S EVENTFUL EIDE.

these yer?" he inquired, looking sternly at the little
man for once.

44 Of goarse you do ! " said the little man, smiling an
affirmative smile, "of goarse you do! So foine ! so
foine ! Say ? " said he, suddenly, " will you sold dose
old clothes?"

" Sartainly," said the other.

" Zay, how much?" asked the storekeeper.

"How'dfive dollars do?"

" Fife thalers ! fife thalers ! A man must li-i-i-ve !
A man must li-i-i-i-ve ! Fife thalers ! My wife woohd
star-r-r-ve ! My wife woohd star-r-r-ve ! "

" Four ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Three and a kervorter ! Three and a kervorter ! "
said the store-keeper.

"Done!" said Mr. Oldbiegh. "Aren't that fair
enough?"

"Here's my card," said the store-keeper, as Mr.
Oldbeigh started out. " Come akain ! come akain ! "

Mr. Oldbiegh started toward Market street. He
surveyed his lower garments constantly to the full
extent permissible by his standing collar, but was very
uneasy because he had no pockets in which to insert
his hands. At last he inserted one of his large brown
hands in the tail pocket of his coat, and the pocket
was completely filled by it. Although the coat still
hurt him under the arms and his shoes still hurt his
feet, this eased him so much that the smile which
usually hung on his features came back to its pi<tce
again. He was compelled to hold his head well buck
by the high rising collar.

A MIXER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 51

He was passing along the sidewalk between the
"Washington street Plaza and the line of hacks and
coupe's that wait by the Plaza at all times. As he
passed the first hack, with his head in the air, a sound
was heard on the top of his stiff round hat as if sev
eral shot had dropped on it from the sky overhead, for
a hack-driver, in accordance with a custom then much
in vogue, had projected some shot from between his
teeth at him; but as Mr. Oldbiegh had never known
shot to rain from a blue sky on a clear day, he could
not account for this curious phenomenon. At this
moment he heard the man who sat on the driver's seat
of the first hack inquire of the man who sat on the
driver's seat of the second hack, u What is it? "

" I never, in all my born days, see one on 'ein afore! "
baid the man addressed. " Ask the Colonel."

" I say now, Colonel ! " said the man on the first hack,
calling to the man on the third hack, " what is it ? "

The person addressed as " Colonel " arose from a
lounging posture to a sitting one, made a critical survey
of Mr. Oldbiegh, and said in reply : " I think it's either
a Irish pertater, or a unripe pumpkin out for a walk ;
reely I can't tell which ! "

As the other hack-drivers thought that this remark
was humorous, they laughed heartily.

" Oh! Brick !" sang out the little man on the first
hack to the man on the fourth hack. " What is it?"

The young man addressed as " Brick," because Na
ture had clothed his head in red hair, was of English
e ctraction, and lie remarked that he thought it " was
I wegetable, or a advertisement for a lost dorg," and

52 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE.

he advised them to look on its back for the advertise
ment, at which remarks the brotherhood of hackmen
laughed all along the line, and a perfect shower of shot
projected from between their teeth rattled on the top
of Mr. Oldbiegh's round hat. Mr. Oldbiegh neither
understood for whom the remarks were meant, nor
could he tell from what quarter the shot came. The
shot ceased to strike his hat in a few moments, for he
had passed those persons who were possessed of the
missiles, but the remarks continued all along the line.
However, he remained oblivious of their meaning.

The last carriage was an open barouche, and by this
carriage he stopped. The driver was a one-eyed man
with sunken hectic cheeks.

" I say, my son," said Mr. Oldbiegh, surveying the
two consumptive horses hitched to the hack, " what
time do you go in ? "

" They both make 2.20," said the driver, looking at
him solemnly with his one eye.

" They don't look it," said the other, struggling to
get his chin between the two points of his collar.

" A course they don't," said the driver, with contempt
in his voice, " 'cause they don't want to ! It ain't their
style. There's no deception about them horses : they 're
above it. If they'd a wanted to, they could look 2.10|- ;
but it ain't their way. They're all for honesty and
they're all for business. You see the off horse ? Maybe
you think he can't go ? Yes, I s'pose you do. He took
the gold medal at the fair last year. Look in his eyes
and see the fire in them ! You see the other horse ?

A MINERS EVENTFUL RIDE.

He took the gold cup, and I have it on the table every
Sunday for my little boy to drink milk out of."

The other looked at the two bony horses, with their
heads hanging down, for some moments, as if he were
hesitating about something. " Well," he said, at last,
"will you make them go?"

" I don't say I'll make them go in 2.20," said the
driver, again looking at him sternly, with his one eye,
44 but I'll make 'em go close onto it."

"All right," said Mr. Old biegh, stepping on the axle
of the front wheel and climbing up on the driver's seat.

44 You want to ride inside," said the driver.

44 No, sir, I aren't afeared to ride on the outside of no
wagon ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

44 All right," said the driver.

44 All right," repeated Mr. Oldbiegh. "Now, one,
two, three and start 'em ! "

The driver turned his head around and with his one
eye surveyed the large round features of his companion,
half hidden in the stiff collar, which caused him to sit
with his head thrown back. 44 Where do you want to
go ? " asked the driver, as he lazily touched one of the
horses, which were going on a slow trot, with his whip.

44 Whar's ther snobs ? " asked Mr. Oldbiegh.

44 In Golden Gate Park," was the answer.

44 Thar's whar we'll go," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

They drove slowly along, the horses' hoofs splashing
the mud of Kearney street, the carriage at times run
ning in the smooth car tracks, and at other times jolting
and bouncing over the cobble stones in such a manner

64 A MINER S EVENTFUL RIDE.

that Mr. Oldbiegh's collar threatened to saw off his
* head in earnest.

After awhile Mr. Oldbiegh discovered the fact that
the carriage driver was not a temperance man so they
drove up to a hitching post, and, after hitching the
horses, went into a saloon together, and came out with
solemn expressions on their faces. A little later this
apparently dismal proceeding took place again ; and
the further they went, the oftener this funereal cere
mony occurred. Just as they came out of a saloon
on one of these occasions, Mr. Oldbiegh stumbled
against two women, who were kissing each other. He
apologized, taking off his little round hat and bowing
almost to the ground. As they got back on the seat
the driver said, in a sulky tone : " Say ! why do you
s'pose they don't wait till they get home, to be firm'
off their blank catridges? They be always firm' them
off on the street, and it makes a sight of mischief. It's
a reg'lar nuisance ! One of 'em give another sich a
pop of a kiss onct that a new broke horse of mine had
a runaway and there was a smash up. It's a reg'lar
nuisance, and a ordnens should be passed agin it. I
s'pose they all do it because they all kinder s'pose the
one what kisses them is a man that's the way I account
for their always firm' off blank catridges," said he,
sourly, looking with his one eye at his companion. " I
see a boy onct got run over and killed a little curly-
headed shaver because his ma had stopped on a corner
and was a smackin' away onto the lips of another
woman. I s'pose all the accidents on this account is
awful."

A MIXER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 55

They now went through the gate which opened into
the park, and in a moment the wheels went rumbling
with a dull roar over the broad, smooth road. They
liad passed the Conservatory, on whose glass roof and
sides the sunlight was glittering, arid had turned around
one of the many curves of the road, when out of a road
which came through the trees on the right shot a light
yellow skeleton wagon, with a seat large enough for
one person in its centre, on which sat a little man with
a gray military moustache, a gray cloth jockey cap, and
a large woollen overcoat. He wore a red and. blue
striped worsted comforter around his throat. The horse,
which dragged the skeleton wagon was a large bay.

44 Thar' he goes ; thar' goes one on 'em : thar' goes a
snob ! " shouted Mr. Oldbiegh. " Whop up ! whop up I
and walk away from him now with your 2.20's ! " But
before he had finished these remarks the bay horse was
around a turn in the road, and the trees hid him frojn
sight. " Why didn't you whop 'em up ? " asked he
with something of disappointment in his voice,

44 You didn't give me no time," said the driver ; 44 you
hadn't ought to be so slow in singing out."

44 Who was that ? " asked the other.

44 That was one of our rich monopolists and land-
grabbers," said the driver, " with the despepsy. The
rich men of San Francisco all has the despepsy, and so
does their children, and they all come drivin' out heer
to get cured on it."

44 You don't say ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh. 44 What's the
cause of it?"

44 That's the queer part of it," said the driver, look-

56 A MIXER'S EVENTFUL HIDE.

ing at him with his one eye solemnly. "I sometimes
think it's the way the church people blackmail them
for subscriptions that worrys them into it. The doctors
has been a studyin' away of their books for fifteen year
but ain't found no passage relatin' to it yet. I guess
they've give it up now as a bad job all except one
young chap, who kep' a studyin' so hard he went blind ,
but though he says he can cure it, the other doctors
says he's a quack, because he kep 1 studyin' till he
know'd more than all on 'em put together," and he
smiled a sickly and semi-sarcastic smile as he finished
these remarks.

By this time they were surrounded by two or three
carriages, which were gradually beginning to go faster
and faster. In a buggy to their left sat a couple of
young gentlemen, each of whom had a gold-rimmed
eye-glass in his left eye. One of them wore a green
coat interwoven with thin gilt threads. This coat was
heavily padded in the shoulders. He wore a watch
chain, running from the centre of his vest to the lower
pockets on either side of the same. The other was
dressed in a similar manner, the only difference being
that his clothes were of a pure sea-green. They both
wore black hats which resembled elongated soup plates,
turned upside down.

By the manner in which they held their eye-glasses
in place, while they glared steadily at Mr. Oldbiegh,
and because of the smile on their faces, it was evident
that something in the appearance of that gentleman
amused them greatly. As a lion would feel outraged
if a jackass were to laugh in his face, so Mr. Oldbiegh,

A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDK. d7

for a similar reason, proceeded to look at them steadily
and sternly for some moments, when he inquired of the
driver what they were.

" Doods," said the one-eyed man, briefly.

" What do they do? " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Mash," said the one-eyed man.

" I'll be darned ef I wouldn't like to mash the stuffin'
out of 'em ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" It couldn't be did by no man," said the driver, sol
emnly; "that's what they is they is stuffin', 'ceptin'
a mite of skin and bone stowed away inside the stuffin'.
If you want to see what a dood's made of and it aren't
a pretty picture to look at, neither you've got to keep
a unwrappin' and unwindin'and pickin' out the stuffin'
for a hour, and then you may miss him by havin' took
him out with the stuffin' without seem' him alread}^"

At this moment the two creatures, pronounced by
the driver to be "doods," ceased to gaze upon Mr. Old
biegh, and one of them cut his horse with the whip.

" Whop her up ! Whop her up ! " .shouted Mr. Old
biegh, excitedly. " I wouldn't be beat by them varmin,
not for a thousand dollars ! "

The dudes were ahead of them now, and one of them
kissed his hand tauntingly to Mr. Oldbiegh, while look
ing buck.

" Whop 'em up! Whop 'em up ! " shouted Mr. Old
biegh. The driver cut his horses with his whip, but
the others continued to get further and further away.
" Whop 'em up! Whop 'em up!" again shouted Mr.
Oldbiegh, anxiously leaning forward in his seat, as if
by that act to hurry on the carriage. One of the

58 A MINER'S EVENTFUL HIDE.

dudes looked around again, and perceiving the fact
that the driver was whipping up his horses, again kissed
his hand to Mr. Oldbiegh. This excited that personage
greatly, and observing the fact that the driver was
loth to hurry his horses, he leaned back while he
worked his large hand into the pocket of his pantaloons
and drew forth five dollars which he slipped into the
hands of the driver. The driver looked toward him,
opened his mouth, and closed his one eye in a knowing
way, and then lashed his horses until they began to
gallop. They were getting up alongside of the dudes
when Mr. Oldbiegh, after slipping another five dollar
piece into the driver's hand, stood up in the seat, took
off his hat, and shouted, " Hooroah ! " but he soon
found that he could not stand up, so he resumed his
seat. They were now alongside of the dudes, who
were lashing their horses. The old man waved his hat
while he sung out, " Go it, you doods ! Go it, you
varmin ! " The horses of both parties were now on a
dead run, and the hind wheels of the barouche were
swinging from side to side of the road, while they were
all in such a cloud of dust that they could hardly see
each other. Mr. Oldbiegh was in an intense state of
excitement, and this excitement increased greatly when
the dudes began to creep ahead. Mr. Oldbiegh sud
denly tore off his standing collar, in order to watch
their movements the more easily, and slipped another
five dollar piece in the driver's hand, while he reiterated
his shouts of " Whop 'em up ! whop 'em up ! "

Suddenly the dudes turned off on a road at right
angles, while the barouche dashed on ahead. " They

A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 59

gin it up, the darned varmin," said the old miner, mop
ping his fiery face with his red-bordered handkerchief.
" What's the time made ? " he asked.

44 Two-fourteen," said the driver. " There's no use,"
said he, " tryin' to trot your horses when you're racin'
with a dood, so I just put them into a dead run."

" Whar do you s'pose they went to ? " asked the
other.

" Oh, they've gone off to be up to some dirty work;
that's their way. They go about the country doin'
northin' of no good. They ain't like other people ; I
sort of think they ain't human. The queer thing is
you never see them walking."

"No?" said Mr. Oldbiegh, inquiringly.

"No," said the one-eyed driver, "you always see them
in black stockings and knee-breeches, with their gold-
rimmed eye-glass, aboard a bicycle. I never see one of
'em a-walking afoot yit. I kinder think they sleep on
the bicycle."

They went on out to the Cliff House, where Mr.
Oldbiegh and the driver took lunch and drank several
bottles of claret between them. They then started for
home. Mr. Oldbiegh persisted in sitting on the seat
with his back to the horses, and his feet with the buckle-
shoes on them hanging down into the carriage. After
riding in this position for half a miie to the intense
delight of sundry small boys in a laundry wagon, he
got into the carriage and sat on the back seat, with his
arms spread out, holding to the sides of the vehicle.

As it was now getting on into tne afternoon, a large
number of carriages passed them going to the Cliff

60 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE.

House. In these carriages were richly dressed ladies,
upon whom Mr. Oldbiegh smiled with an intensely
benevolent smile, and to many of whom he courteously
kissed his hand. It was not long, however, before a
curious drowsiness overcame him ; he became oblivious
to all surroundings, and slept soundly with his head
resting peacefully on his bosom. The driver drew his
horses up at the point from which they had started,
and as he did not know his place of residence, he called
to Mr. Oldbiegh. As this did not wake him for Mr.
Oldbiegh seemed to have taken up his residence in the
land of Nod the driver climbed into the carriage and
shook him. Mr. Oldbiegh half opened his eyes and
smiled sweetly. " Whopped the doods, arter all," he
said, and fell again into the same peaceful sleep. The
driver shook him. " Where do you live ? " he asked.
" Dogwood Ditch," said Mr. Oldbiegh, as he again
smiled with the same sweet smile, and again fell into
the same peaceful sleep. "Here's a go!" said the
driver, looking at the crowd of upturned faces, which
had gathered around the carriage ; " a reg'lar fix ; here's
a man what's took a glass of beer and got out and out
silly before he told me where he's stoppin' at! " "It
ain't got a license, with a number on it, has it?" asked
a pug-nosed man, who, while standing on the steps of
the carriage, had been studying the curious costume
worn by Mr. Oldbiegh, with some degree of surprise
on his face. "Ah! Jakey, shut up!" said the driver;
4 what's the use a-talking that way when a man has
got in such a go as I be ?" " Did iU rna know it was
out, without tying a bell around its neck ? " persisted

A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 61

the person addressed as Jakey. " I s'pose you found
it blowing down the street ! " said another. At this
remark the faces of many persons in the crowd became
covered with smiles. " Tie it by the leg and stake it
out," suggested some one in the crowd. " Or adopt
it for yer kid and bring it up on the bottle," suggested
another. " Go sell it to the butcher for pork sassin-
gers," said another. " The beer what it's took will
make it taste the more sweeterer ! "

At this moment the young man with the green coat
and yellow striped pantaloons came elbowing his way
through the crowd. "Hello! Tommy," shouted sev
eral of the crowd, as they recognized the young man
with "Golden Chariot" printed on the baud of his hat
in gilt letters. " Hello ! Tommy, where'd you drop
from ? " said the driver.

Mr. Thomas Geseign did not answer, but climed up
on the axle of the carriage and looked at Mr. Oldbiegh
carefully. " Yes, it's him," he said to himself, "but
fearfully disguised. The hoodlums have had him ; he
has escaped in their togs and a ladedah coat. Poor old
boy ! How he must suffah ! He has it bad ! Nob
by, drive ahead quick to the Golden Chariot. He yet
may survive if we take these togs off! "

The driver drove to the Golden Chariot, and on the
road Mr. Geseign amused himself by soliloquizing over
his silent and apparently dead companion in the fol
lowing words: "Poor old boy! Jolly old coon I
Fine old cock ! Noble old roostah ! He now is at
rest ! He now sleeps in peace ! His like shall we ever
see it again? No hardly iievah ! Before be slept,

62 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE.

before his eyes closed, be was loved of all men per
haps by the women ! Now, who so poor to do him
reverence ! Noble old boy ! "

The hotel was reached and the driver and one of
the waiters carried Mr. Oldbiegh up to his room ; and
Becky, who followed after them, was assisted througk
the dark and gloomy passage-ways by Mr. Thomas
Geseign, who, to prevent her from tripping and falling,
had encircled his arm around her waist; arid as the
room was in perfect order, his gallantry induced him
to see her back through the dark passage-ways again.

Now, for some inconceivable reason, for which the
writer of this histoiy has long sought an explanation,
but for which he has as yet been unable to find any,
the pretty chambermaid stopped suddenly in one of
the darkest passage-ways ; whether the pressure of the
young man's arm produced faintness, or whether there
was some other mysterious cause for this, as has just
been said, the historian has been unable to learn. And
it gives him much pain to say that the freckled-faced
young man, in a most shameful and audacious manner,
did thereupon take advantage of her situation in the
following fashion. After placing his left arm around
her shoulder, he attempted to kiss her lips. She turned
her head away from him so that his lips were in con
tact with her right ear. " Now, leave rne alone, you
horrid thing, or I'll holler ! " whined the young girl
with the pink cheeks and blonde hair. But the "hor
rid thing" for some inconceivable reason did not leave
her alone, and for a similar reason she did not shout.
The "horrid thing" then got his face into such a posi-

MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 63

tion that he was about to kiss her on the lips, when,
like magic, her left ear was presented to him, and a
few moments later her right ear again. Suffice it to
say that he seemed to possess a knowledge of certain
rules of strategy, which, your historian has since been
informed by certain married men, are often applied in
that kind of warfare ; for a little later he certainly did
kiss her squarely on the lips ; whereat she told him that
she never would speak to him again as long as she
lived.

The waiter above mentioned tucked Mr. Oldbiegh
comfortably under his bed clothing, and Mr. Oldbiegh
tossed on his creaking bed to such an extent that an
elderly couple in the next room, who were thereby
kept awake and in a boiling state of rage during the
whole of the night, solemnly resolved to leave the hotel
the next day for a quieter lodging-house.

CHAPTER II.
MB. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES.

TVHE evening after the day whose events were
described in the last chapter, a grand re-union
of the hotel runners of San Francisco was to take
place at the noted restaurant known by the name of
the " Grotto." The " Grotto " was situated in a house,
which, in the early days of California, had been a pri
vate residence ; but as that locality was in time given

64 MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES.

up to the ever-encroaching business portion of the city,
after first being used as a hardware -store and after
wards as a morgue, it was at last employed as a restau
rant by the present proprietor, Signer Maccaroni, of
whom an oil painting is to be seen on the wall just
after you pass through the main entrance. In this
picture he is represented in the interesting state of eat
ing his dinner, and he gazes with a sweet smile on a
pork chop which he holds in his left hand. And the
word "Grotto" is now to be seen in gilt letters on a
black sign which hangs over the sidewalk by weak
wires an eternal menace to the lives of those who
pass under it on a windy day. A few feet of what
may be sarcastically called a garden are still in front
of the " Grotto," and in this garden is a basin, in
which stands a fountain composed of oyster shells in
the shape of a cone, and through the centre of this
>one runs a brass pipe, through which percolates the
economical stream of water which constitutes the most
attractive feature of the fountain. A number of large-
leaved green plants are also in this garden ; and at
whatever time of the day they are observed, they have
upon them the same moist look. In a green tin basin, in
the right window of the " Grotto," floats in undisturbed
composure a man-of-war two and a half feet long, with
a wooden sailor standing over the wheel a quarter of a
foot high, while another wooden sailor, evidently be
longing to the same knock-kneed, lantern-jawed and
overgrown family, clings with a tenacious grasp to the
main-stay.

The brotherhood of hotel runners had hired the

MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 65

whole of the upper story of the " Grotto " for that
night ; and had the amount of wine, which was taken
up to that upper story during the day, been noticed by
a person of a logical mind, with a capacity for working
out conundrums, he would have come to the conclu
sion that the coming night was doomed to be made
hideous perhaps shocking^ so before the dawn ap
peared; and after a little further reflection, this logical
minded, statistical creature would perhaps have come
to the conclusion that the persons thus making night
hideous would in all probability be slightly hideous
themselves before the above-mentioned dawn.

Let it be here recorded that on the morning referred'
to, Mr. Oldbiegh had awakened with a very weak
stomach and with a throbbing pain in his head ; and
that when he got out of bed the washstand in front of
him seemed to be pitching up and down like a ship out
at sea. The very thought of breakfast made him sick.

He put on his new suit of clothes, but they fitted
him so tightly about the stomach that they took away
his breath. With an oath against the latest style of
clothing, as soon as he caught his breath, and another
for the snobs that wore them, Mr. Oldbiegh jerked the
clothes off and put on some old ones. Mr. Oldbiegh
walked out of his room and down the broad strips of
cocoa-matting that covered the centre of the hallway.
He was just about to start down the stairway when liis
attention was attracted by the laughter of some matrons,
and the giggling of a number of young girls in the
ladies' sitting-room on his right. Hearing a man's
voice that was familiar to him, Mr. Oldbiegh walked
4

66 MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES.

into the sitting-room just at the moment that Mr.
Thomas Geseign started a young girl of sixteen off into
an hysterical fit of laughter by gazing at her for a
moment with a savage and blood-curdling look. As
soon as Mr. Geseign saw Mr. Oldbiegh, he jumped up,
grabbed him by the arm and dragged him into the room.

" Mr. Oldbiegh, ladies," said he ; " we were barefooted
boys at school together. My best friend. Mr. Old
biegh, Mrs. Scroggins, Miss Letitia Scroggins, Miss
Ju-liah Scroggins, Mrs. Oldwhistle, Mr. Oldwhistle,
Mrs. Corporal Nodgers of the Presideo her husband,
a prominent army officer Mrs. Dudkins her husband,
a surgeon."

Mr. Oldbiegh bowed low to the ladies and to Mr.
Oldwhistle, the only other person there present, except
Mr. Geseign, of the male persuasion. As Mr. Old-
whistle, who was a little lean, bony man, kept his mouth
as tight as a drum and said nothing, it was plain that
the laughter had been produced by some word or act
of Mr. Thomas Geseign, who was evidently a great
favorite.

Mr. Oldbiegh sat down by Mrs. Dudkins and entered
into conversation with her. Mr. Thomas Geseign sat
by the side of a young girl, in a pink dress, who per
sisted in making bewitching sheeps' eyes at him. After
awhile he left her and came over and sat down by Mrs.
Dudkins.

" How is hubby ? " he asked.

"Quite well," replied the lady, smiling.

" The most wonderful of sciences is surgery. The
sublimest of arts," said Mr. Geseign. "A surgeon,

MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 67

who is skillful, can whittle a man into a horse and yet
he lives ! Or a horse into a man and yet he lives ! Oh !
wonderful creachaw! A surgeon is if skillful to
be dreaded because of his power. I knew once a lady
fairy creachaw enchanting being a childish smile
so sweet innocent ideas so angelic a man's ideal !
The result? Can you think? A friend of mine loved
her. Was carried away ! Loved her madly to distrac
tion ! His life was all bliss. One sweet, smiling hour,
surrounded by roses. My friend went to see her
monthly then weekly reduced it to daily ! When
the church bell struck seven each night, the front gate
flew open. My friend entered. Beautiful affection
of a pure heart!

" Sitting on the sofa the poetical sofa beneath the
soft twilight, my friend learned to kiss her! Rash
creachaw ! He doted on kisses. The months wore
away and the spring came again. He never missed his
visits. The year rolled around he kept those appoint
ments. As he sat on the sofa the poetical sofa their
lips still met softly ! Oh, beautiful picture ! Undying
affection ! Most exquisite scene fit for a paintah !
They had perfect affinity.

"But a change came upon them. Oh, Fate, thou art
cruel ! A cruel creachaw ! The old man and old
woman up stairs in their bed discussed it together
through the long hours of midnight, in a tone that was
serious intensely so. They resolved firmly the kiss
ing should cease the old man struck the bed with his
fist and that both should get married. Oh, harsh
resolve oh, cruel parents! He swore a rivulet of

68 MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES.

oaths, as he rose on his elbow the} 7 should be married.
Logical idea shrewd old roostah !

" Next night, my friend came again. Brushed out
his moustache on the right side. Brushed out his
moustache on the left side. Threw back his head and
kissed, her partially. The kiss was half finished, but
not completed, when the old man came in. Oh, terri
ble moment ! The old man kicked rny friend through
the front do-ah ! But this had no effect none at all
such is the power of love ! The next night my friend
came again. Brushed his moustache out of the way,
when the door opened and the old woman entered.
She said, 4 Let Sally ' the girl's name ' wipe off her
teeth. They've not been cleaned this blessed day.' My
friend smiled sadly, and before her mother, to her
horror, kissed the girl !

u The old man sharpened up the toes of his boots
and kicked my friend again through his front do-ah !
No effect my friend was persistent. His mother was
hard-headed ; his father was stubborn ; he was persis
tent. A scientific result. Next night came again.
Prepared to kiss the girl. Old man entered. Cut his
ears off, and kicked him through the front do-ah, as
usual !

" My friend had heard of Dudkins wonderful sur
geon ! He went to him. Dudkins has a boy little
Billy old for his years. Put him under chloroform
cut his ears off and placed the nv on my friend. My
friend swore on a Bible he would return them. Went
to see his girl, arrayed in Billy's ears. Old folks saw
his ears, were superstitious and fled the house. My

MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 69

friend, being no longer under coercion, married the
girl. Returned the ears with thanks to Billy. Billy
wears them now. They become him and fit well. Sur
gical romance ! Plot for a tragedy ! "

" Oh, you funny wretch ! " said Mrs. Dudkins.

"Thank you! Thank you!" said Mr. Thomas Ges-
eign. " You are kind."

"Isn't he just horrid to talk about my husband that
way?" said Mrs. Dudkins, appealing to Mr. Oldbiegh.
That person, who had been so much amused by the man
ner of his friend that, although he had attempted to throt
tle a couple of violent " haw ! haws ! " which had been
rumbling under his vest, they had at last escaped like
a couple of youthful reports from the crater of a vol
cano, replied that it was " Very horrid, arter all, haw !
haw! " and that Mr. Geseign was a horrid young man
with the ladies, in particular, as well as in general,
"haw! haw!" and when Mr. Geseign made some face
tious comment on these remarks, the "haw! haws!"
rumbled and chased each other around beneath the
white vest to such an extent that the aforesaid Thomas
slapped Mr. Oldbiegh on the back in such a violent
manner that the dust poured out from the coat into the
atmosphere in volumes.

While Mr. Geseign was thus dusting his coat Mr.
Oldbiegh happened to notice Mr. Oldwhistle. This
person was gazing on the beaming countenance of Mr.
Oldbiegh with an expression of intense contempt in
his eyes ; and about his face was a leering, hideous
sneer. Mr. Oldbiegh's laughter stopped in an instant,
and with his legs spread apart, and his large hands

70 MR. OLDBIEGH'S FARTHER ADVENTURES.

against his sides, he stood looking at the little man,
with an uncertain, inquiring, and puzzled look ; but
the little man's face bore the same expression of intense
contempt and disgust, while he continued to gaze
steadily on the countenance of Mr. Oldbiegh. The
sneer began to rise and fall, like a miniature billow on
the miniature features of the little man ; and as it thus
rose and fell it gradually increased in intensity. It
was what those sweet creatures, the ladies, would
probably call a " nasty sneer."

Now, it is a fact well known to philosophers and sci
entists that when a dog curls up his lip and begins to
walk round another dog, and smell the other dog con
temptuously, this action does not always produce a
friendly feeling between the two dogs, " but on the
contrary, quite the reverse" as Mr. Geseign sagely
remarked later in the day, when he used this compari
son, while commenting upon the action of Mr. Junius
Oldbiegh on this occasion.

Mr. Oldbiegh's round, good-natured features gradu
ally fell like the mercury in a thermometer from one
hundred and ten degrees above zero to a few degrees
below that figure as he continued, with a fascinated
gaze to contemplate the contemptuous features of the
other. He made no remark for many moments, for he
was too full for utterance in plain English, and his
usually bright blue eyes had in them a leaden look ;
and his appearance intimated the possibility of an
apoplectic fit. As it would, perhaps, be interesting to
the reader to understand the great thoughts in Mr.
Oldwhistle's little brain, which produced the feelings

ME. OLDBIEGH'S FUKTHER ADVENTURES. 71

of contempt, which nature had written in such vivid
characters upon his features, they shall be described.
And in the first place, let it be understood that Mr.
Oldwhistle was a scientist, whose great ability had
never been recognized in the slightest degree by the
careless and frivolous world. Being naturally of a
cynical disposition, this cynicism had been greatly in
tensified by the harsh treatment which the world had
given to the man who had labored to benefit his race
and ameliorate the condition of mankind. And in
proportion as the world stubbornly refused to recog
nize his ability did Mr. Oldwhistle discover more and
more the profundity of his own intellect; and, like
other great men, the more clearly did he perceive the
littleness of men in general and the pettiness of their
thoughts and actions. Their petty actions were a
source of great amusement to his deeper thoughts.
And, like some other great men in another respect, he
would not stoop to conceal his thoughts by the control
of his features.

In Mr. Oldbiegh's actions he had seen another strong
argument to prove the truth of the Darwinian theory.
He had seen something so monkey-like in his hearty
good nature that he felt satisfied that the first branches
of Mr. Oldbiegh's genealogical tree must have had
monkeys perched on them. Of this he was thoroughly
convinced. These ideas, as they passed through his
inind became more and more clearly depicted on his
features, the longer he contemplated Mr. Oldbiegh.
At last Mr. Oldbiegh attempted to speak, but a chok
ing sensation prevented utterance. He made a despe-

72 MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES.

rate effort to utter something, but as the choking sen
sation grew worse, it was some moments before he was
able to do so ; and during these moments he continued
choking before the cool little scientist, whose amuse
ment was increased by "these actions. At last Mr.
Oldbiegh's tongue found speech, and as his rough
sense of chivalry prevented him from destroying the
little man, in the presence of the ladies, he invited him
out for a drink. "No," said the little man, with an
other sneer; " I never make a beast of myself!"

" By which I s'pose," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " I'm took
by you for a beast?" looking at him, while the per
spiration stood out on his brow.

"I don't know what you are," said the little man,
smiling sourly again. " Why should I? I never saw
you before."

" Well, pard," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " will you have the
kindness to go out for a cigar ? "

" I don't destroy my constitution," said Mr. Old-
whistle, " with cigars. I don't smoke, chew, swear or
drink. I hope I have better sense."

Mr. Oldbiegh was growing black in the face and the
ladies were growing very fidgety. " Will you go out
for some fresh air if you ever indulge in it I want
to talk to you," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

Mr. Thomas Geseign at this moment seized Mr. Old
biegh by the shoulders and hustled him out into the
hall, where he attempted to pacify him. The persons
in the room, who had ceased all conversation, there*
upon heard the following remarks, which seemed to
come from Mr. Oldbiegh : " Little yaller dog ! That's

MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 73

what the little varmin is ! A reg'lar yaller dog ! " to
gether with many poetical allusions to the same effect ;
while the soft voice of Mr. Thomas Geseign was heard
in the attempt to pacify the outraged feelings of his
companion.

Mr. Oldbiegh, with dignified tread, was escorted to
the bar, where he drank a liquid of a light yellow
shade of color, which Mr. Geseign told him " would set
him to rights all in no time." In order to encourage
him, he first took a glass of the liquor full to the brim,
and when Mr. Oldbiegh did the same a sweet smile
gradually stole over his features, proving the truth of
Mr. Geseign's assertion.

They now walked up to the clerk's desk, where Mr.
Oldbiegh insisted upon shaking the clerk's hand. The
clerk, being busy at the moment, did so very ungra
ciously. Mr. Oldbiegh was then about to go away,
when the clerk handed him a letter. " Well, I'll swar ;
it's a woman's writing ! Well, I'll be etarnally ker-
wholloped ! "

"Nothing more natural," said Mr. Geseign.

After the deep remark made by Mr. Oldbiegh, which
the reader will find it difficult to interpret, he locked
his large arm in the smaller one of Mr. Geseign, and
led him over to a seat. Then sitting down by the
green baize-covered table, he took out his pipe, cut his
tobacco with a large jack-knife, loaded his pipe,
scratched several matches on the leg of his pantaloons,
and lighted his pipe ; and after he had drawn in his
stout cheeks several times and puffed the smoke out,
he opened the letter with the same jack-knife, and

74 MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES.

spread it before him on "the table and gazed solemnly
on its surface for some moments. Mr. Geseign took it
up and read it. The following is a copy of the identi
cal piece of feminine literature, which he read :

"SAN FRANCISCO, BIRMINGHAM HOUSE,
R. 34 (left entrance)

(No. 873 Howard street, July 13, .)

" ME. JUNIUS OLDBIEGH. Deer Sur ! I'm hay com-
min' ! I'm hay commin' to see you at two (o'clock)
tomorrer ! Yours fectionately,

"KATE BRUMLIN.

" P. S. I'll be thair. I'm hay commin' ! Yours
fectionately, KATE BRUMLIN.

" 2d P. S. Don't be out when I come. Yours fec
tionately, KATE BRUMLIN."

"Weil, I'll be darned!" said Mr. Oldbiegh, taking
the pipe out of his mouth, after he had heard the above
letter read. " She do seem to be a-comin' ! "

" Her letter is tender quite passionate and tendah ! "
said Mr. Geseign. "Sweet creachaw such affection I
Loves you dearly ! Sly old boy ! "

" Do you a-suppose I know her?" said Mr. Oldbiegh,
solemnly, as he held his smoking pipe at a distance
from his mouth.

"You won't say so nevah ! " said Mr. Geseign,
"but you can't deceive me. If you would you must
arise quite early ! You must arise with the roostahs
when they get up to crow ! Sly old boy ! " said Mr.
Geseign, patting him affectionately on the back.

MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 75

" Look-e here ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh, turning around
in his chair and grasping its arms, while he gazed sol
emnly on the countenance of the other, "do you sup
pose I've ever seen that ar' widdyer afore ? "

"She is coming says she's* yours affectionately.
Repeats the remark. You will plank down the coin,
or she'll make it deuced hot ! Sly old boy ! " This
last remark irritated Mr. Oldbiegh. Mr. Geseign, per
ceiving this, pretended to believe the assertions of inno
cence made by Mr. Oldbiegh, and at his urgent solici
tation promised to go into an inner room, which opened
into his, when the lady called, in order to be convinced
by the conversation that he had never met the woman
before.

Just as this agreement was finished, Mr. Geseign
handed Mr. Oldbiegh a neatly printed request for the
favor of his company at an entertainment given by the
" Convivials," a club, as Mr. Geseign informed him,
composed chiefly of the United Order of Hotel Runners.
Printed in a line by itself on the card were the words,
" At the Grotto," and in the lower right corner the
letters " R. S. V. P."

44 What's them letters in the corner for ? " asked Mr.
Oldbiegh.

44 That," said Mr. Geseign, 44 is simply a fashionable
guy. It means reply if you please. It means the writer
speaks French. It means we are bloods. It means
we have lived in Paris. It means English is for us
too common. It means no Irish need apply. See you
later." And Mr. Thomas Geseign went into an inner

76 MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES.

room, where a number of persons were sitting around
a table playing cards.

At two o'clock that afternoon Mr. Oldbiegh was lying
in his room on the outside of his bed, and was gazing
at some men tarring the roof of the house opposite,
when three quick raps at the door caused him to spring
from the couch. He went to the door, opened it a few
inches, and saw a woman about forty years of age stand
ing outside.

"Mr. Oldbiegh?" she asked.

" Yes, marm," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Well, let me in," said she. " Now, close the door.
I'm Miss Kate Brumlin."

" I thort you was a widdyer," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" I am," said the other. This astonished Mr. Old
biegh somewhat, and as Kate Brumlin was panting
from her trip up the stairs, all conversation ceased for
a moment.

Miss Brumlin, as she called herself, or rather Mrs.
Brumlin, as she should have called herself, was a well-
built woman, of dark complexion. She wore a black
dress, and a broad leather belt around her waist, which
was fastened with a leather buckle. On her head she
wore a large black hat, in which was an enormous green
feather. Her black hair was held in position on the
upper part of her forehead by a tightly drawn piece of
veil. Her eyelids were almost closed over her eyes
in fact her eyes were almost invisible. The dark skin
of her face was covered by white powder.

After contemplating this apparition for a moment,
Mr. Oldbiegh went to the door of his inner room, with

MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 77

a vague hope that Mr. Geseign had gone into it unob
served. Finding he was not there, he told his com
panion he must quit her for an instant, and was about
to leave her alone, when she called him back.

" You can't leave me alone," said she. " I'm not to
be imposed on. I won't be left in no man's room alone."

"Well," said Mr. Oldbiegh, "what shall I do?"

" Stay with me. Stand by me. Stay with us," she
said, pushing one foot forward and assuming a theatri
cal air. " Didn't you invite a fellow to come and see
you?"

" What fellow ? " asked Mr. Oldbiegh, in a helpless
tone of voice.

" Me," said she, in a stern tone, as she attempted to
open her eyes wide enough to look at him, but failed
in the attempt. " Take a seat," said she, in a com
manding tone, "and don't be a fool." Mr. Oldbiegh's
eyes opened wider than usual, and he stood gaping at
her with his mouth partially open. "Take a seat; do
you hear ? " she said again. Mr. Oldbiegh, after looking
at her a moment longer, took a seat. She then drew
up a chair close to his, and seated herself. He turned
his head to the right, looked at her a moment, and then
moved his chair away a few inches. She coughed, and
drew up hers alongside of his. With the same solemn
expression on his face Mr. Oldbiegh moved his chair
away again. Again she coughed and moved her chair
alongside of his. " Keep still," she said. " Stop your
foolishness ! " Mr. Oldbiegh did keep still, for the last
time he had moved his chair against the foot of his bed,

78 MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES.

and though she pressed him hard, he could move no
further.

They both sat in silence for some moments, when
she took her fan from before her mouth and smiled
archly upon him. This little piece of playfulness, how
ever, had no effect upon him, for his face continued to
wear a most solemn expression. They both sat gazing
at the wall in front of them for some time again, the
eyes of Mr. Oldbiegh, in the meantime, wandering from
one object on the wall to another. Again she turned
the powdered face to him, lowered the fan, and while
she smiled suddenly commenced tickling him under
the chin with the first and second fingers of her right
hand. Mr. Oldbiegh jumped up.

"What are you a-doin' that ar' for?" said he, exci
tedly.

"Sit down, pet," said she; "don't be a fool!"

"No more of that," said he, as he sat down; "just
let up on it." There was a period of intense silence
again for some moments, when the gentle Kate quietly
slipped her hand in his. Mr. Oldbiegh looked into her
half-closed eyes, which were barren of eyelashes.
" Well," said he, " ef I won't just be etarnally bobbed !
This do beat cock-fighting ! haw ! haw ! haw I " She
smiled sweetly in return, and squeezed his large hand
nervously. The laughter departed suddenly from his
features ; and then he broke out in another laugh.

" Say, pet," said she, " have you some wine ? "

" What kind of wine ? " asked Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Brandy," she replied.

" No," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 79

"Then you will have to ring for it," she replied, as
she got up and rung the bell in the wall several times.
"Now, pet," said she, "I will wait in the inner room
till the waiter has brought it."

" I don't know about this here," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" I do," said she. " Sit down at once, and don't be
a fool."

" Well "

" Shut up ! " said she, sternly. At this moment the
waiter appeared at the door.

" Bring me a bottle of brandy," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Certainly, in a jiffy, sir," said the waiter.

" No, sir, in a bottle," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Yes, sir," said the waiter. In the meantime Kate
Brumlin had gone into the inner apartment. The
waiter now returned, and as he placed the bottle of
brandy on the table at the far end of the room, his
inquisitive eye caught the outline of a female figure
through the crack of the door of the inner chamber,
the door being partially open. At this, the waiter being
unable to resist his natural impulse to laugh, did smile
an extended smile on either cheek from his mouth to his
ears, and until all of his teeth were visible.

" Well," said Mr. Oldbiegh, surveying him sternly,
"is there anything in this here room of mine to make
you go a-grinning arter it that barbyrous way ? "

" No," said the waiter. " No, the' ain't. The' ain't
nothing. The' ain't nothing at all. No, the' ain't ; "
and he smiled another smile equally as extended as
the first, after which he remarked that he was "only
smilin' at nothing," whereupon he left the room.

80 MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES.

"Well," said the woman, her dress rustling as she
sailed into the room, " that wretch has gone at last !
Oh ! pet, how he frightened me ! "

"What are you callin' me pet fur? Who give you
license ? " said Mr. Oldbiegh, looking at her solemnly.

"Ain't you my pet?" she asked.

"What should make me arter bein' your pet?"

" Oh, well, you are, anyhow," said she, as she poured
out a full glass of brandy and handed it to Mr. Old
biegh.

" No," said he, shaking his head gravely from side to
side, " I'd rather stay sober this arternoon."

Kate Brumlin looked at him curiously between her
half-closed lids for a moment. " Well," said she, " I'll
taste it first," and she took a sip. " Now you'll drink
it, after that, pet," said she, handing it to him with a
smile on her marble face. His gallantry would not
permit him to refuse. So he said, as he drank it off:

"Since you have a-tasted it, it's got to be drank;
though I'd much rather not."

She then poured out a full glass for herself, and the
glass had no sooner touched her lips than the liquor
fell down her throat like shot from a shot tower. Mr.
Oldbiegh looked at her in amazement. She poured out
another glass and handed it to him.

" No, you don't," said Mr. Oldbiegh. Without mak
ing any response to this remark, the fascinating Kate
put the glass to her powdered lips, and the liquor
dropped down her throat again.

"Now, pet," said she, as she seated herself beside
him and put her arm around his waist, "you want me

MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 81

for your little housekeeper; don't you, now? That's
ti darling ; say you do ! "

"I say I don't! "said Mr. Oldbiegh, determinedly,
"darlin' or no darlin' ! "

The gentle Kate poured out another glass to the,
brim and handed it to him.

" I told you I didn't want none ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh,
doggedly.

She touched the liquor with her lips. "No gentle
man will refuse now," she said, smiling, as she handed
it to him.

"Say," said Mr. Oldbiegh, as he drank the liquor,
" what are you arter ? " She made no other answer
than by that sharp, ringing, contemptuous laugh, so
often uttered by masculine females in flyaway novels.
She then poured out another glass, put it to her lips,
and the liquor dropped down her throat once more.
" What a critter it are ! " murmured Mr. Oldbiegh to
himself.

" Now, pet," said she, placing her arm around his
waist, and drawing him close up to her again, " now,
pet, you won't go back on a feller ; you won't go back
on your promise to take me for your little house
keeper?"

"What?" said Mr. Oldbiegh, thunderstruck. "I
never so much as a-whispered I wanted a housekeeper.
Not much !" said he. "No housekeepers fur me! I
ruther think I'll keep a baching it!" and he started
to rise, but his companion held him fast.

" Don't be a fool, pet I " said she, soothingl}-. " Who,"
5

82 MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES.

said she, "is to take care of your shirts, but your little
housekeeper?"

" I'll look arter them ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh, deter
minedly.
" Who'll brush the clothes of my pet? " she asked.

"I will, mum. I'll look arter them! " said Mr. Old
biegh, " darned ef I don't."

"Who'll darn his socks?"

"I will, mum ; I'll darn um, or I'll fill the holes with
putty, darned ef I don't," said he, more determinedly.

" Who'll wash his clothing? "

" I will, mum ; I'll scrub like a Chinee washman
afore I get any two-forty widdyer to be a doin' it!
darned ef I don't."

" Well," said his gentle companion, after dropping
another glass of liquor down her throat, " are you going
back on a feller, or are you going to stand by your
word as a gentleman ? "

" Well, mum," said Mr. Oldbiegh, rising and tearing
himself from her embrace, "I aren't made no suspicion
of a promise to have you or any other woman for my
housekeeper ; so ef it's all the same to you I'll just 4 go
back on a feller.' "

"Do you think I'm to be treated this way?" said
she, walking to the door, which she locked, and took
the key out.

" Give me that 'ar' key ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

"Never, you villain!" shrieked his companion, in a
dulcet female note.

" Stop that 'ar' squawkin' ! v said Mr. Oldbiegh ; " the
whole house will be here all in no time at all! "

MR. OLDBIKGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 83

" Look here," said his gentle companion, " one of two
things is to be did by you ; and I'm not to be fooled
with, because I can put you into a tight fix so quick
your head'll swim; see? You can just stand by your
agreement, or you can pay me five hundred dollars,
and I'll let you go."

" Well, I'll be etarnally darned ! I'll just be licked
and etarnally bobbed ! This beats all the things I ever
seen or heard on, or dreamed on, or heard a preacher
preach onto! It beats cock-fightin' ! It beats a snake
story ! and a fish story ain't no circumstance to you! "

"Will you pay what I demand? "said the other,
assuming a theatrical air, as she threw her left foot
forward.

" Darned ef I do ? Not a darned copper I " said he,
firmly.

" All right ! " said the female as firmly, and she began
to tear her dress to strips. After tearing her dress, she
grasped Mr. Oldbiegh around the neck, and the harder
he struggled to release himself, the more tenaciously
she held on ; and the more he ordered her to "stop her
darned squawkin', " the louder she shrieked. In a
moment the whole crowd of lodgers were at his door,
hammering upon it, shouting, and demanding entrance ;
while several persons ran to the front windows of the
hotel, and, with their heads thrust out into the street,
blew with the full strength of their lungs several shrill
police whistles; while over and above the whole din
and hubbub rose loud and long the dulcet note of Mr.
Oldbiegh's companion. A stout policeman, with a
greasy coat and a hungry expression, soon worked his

84 MR. OLDBIEGIl's FURTHER ADVENTURES.

way through the crowd of chattering and gesticulating
females outside, and opened the door by falling against
it with his shoulder. He jumped upon Mr. Oldbiegh
and attempted to throw him to the floor; but Mr. Old
biegh, feeling that somehow or other injustice was being
done to him, and angered by such rhetorical flourishes
as " ugly brute ! " " wicked wretch ! " " oh, the mon
ster ! " "horrid creature ! " which came from the mouths
of the many females around, he drew back his right
arm and struck the policeman a blow below the waist,
which landed him in a sitting posture in the corner,
with an unhappy expression on his face. The police
man started to draw his pistol.

"None of that 'ar' ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh; "ef you
commence a poppin' at me you'll end in convertin'
some of these yer women and children into corpses;
that's all ! " The crowd around the door precipitately
fled, notwithstanding the fact that the women were
intensely anxious to witness the further proceedings.
" Now," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " ef I've got to be arrested
and you aren't too sick at the stomach, go ahead and
arrest me like a white man; but don't jump atop o'
me like a darned Chinee heathen ! "

The policeman got up and before Mr. Oldbiegh was
aware of what he was doing, the spring locks of a
couple of handcuffs clicked over his wrists. This
outraged Mr. Oldbiegh very much; and the appear
ance of the contemptuous features of Mr. Oldwhistle
in the crowd of females, who had come back to the
door, angered him still more. When that little person-

MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 85

age joined the women in calling him a "low wretch"
and a " contemptible creature," his wrath knew no
bounds; and when Mr. Oldwhistle came rather close
to him, with the exclamation, " Yaller dog ! Little Var-
miri ! " Mr. Oldbiegh sprang at him and tried to hit
him with his cuffed hands. The little man succeeded
in nimbly skipping out of the way.

Mr. Thomas Geseign had just arisen from the card-
table, where he had succeeded in capturing the total
stakes of some six or seven ruddy gentlemen, late of
the rural districts; as he had nothing further of partic
ular importance to engage his mind, he was about to
go into the fresh air for the two-fold purpose of taking
physical exercise and getting out of the company of
the several persons with empty pockets and rueful
faces, (for his knowledge of human nature had taught
him that such persons are not always livel} r , sparkling
and witty companions), when hearing the noise above,
he looked up and saw the white waistcoat and burly
form of Mr. Oldbiegh coming down the stairway, with
his hands chained together in front of him. On look
ing more closely he noticed that a policeman seemed
to have become Mr. Oldbiegh's constant companion,
that he held Mr. Oldbiegh's arm with apparent affec
tion, and that this policeman continually glanced back
at the excited crowd of women who followed, and as
often ordered them back; in the centre of this crowd
Mr. Geseign noticed the excessively disagreeable fea
tures and the molasses-candy colored hair of that little
scientific luminary, Mr. Oldwhistle.

86 MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES.

Mr. Geseign was astonished beyond description ; and
rushing up to the policeman who had brass buttons on
his blue coat, he exclaimed: "I say Buttons what is
the cause -of this fiendish tumult? What does it
mean ? Tell me I demand ! "

" Well, Tommy," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " this yer comes
along of bein' found in the same room with a squawk-
in' two-forty widdyer; and since she's played her cards,
I'm darned ef a man don't deserve to be convicted and
hung up for murder for ever lettin' one of 'em into his
room. A two-forty widdyer, like this yer, is worse
nor a grizzly bar, a darned sight; but, Tommy, ef
you'll do your father's old chum just one little piece of
kindness afore he's locked up, I'm not the man to for
get a friend or a favor. All I ask is that you'll polish
off that 'ar' little varmin a creepin' on behind, that 'ar'
little yaller dog I Just clean the little critter out,
Tommy ! You'll find him hid away among these yer
indignant females."

The crowd followed Mr. Oldbiegh to the entrance to
the City Prison, where they were compelled to stop,
and Mr. Oldbiegh was conducted through a dark
asphaltum-floored passage-way, his heavy steps making
hollow sounds in this underground place. They
stopped in front of a wall made of heavy black iron
bars, which, as it had lately been painted, had a smell
of tar. The dim light of the gas which burned inside
of this wall showed a gray !/ aired man, in his vest and
shirt-sleeves, on the inside, with an enormous key in
his hand. He turned back the big lock in the iron

MR. OLPBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 87

frame door, and Mr. Oldbiegh walked through, when
the heavy door was swung behind him.

Mr. Junius Oldbiegh was in prison ! He was caged
like a wild beast! The residence of felons! Worse
than this, he was charged by a powdered widow with
being one of the number ! His eyes dilated with anger.

A long line of cells was to his left, the front faces
whereof were composed of upright iron rods, and these
cells were separated from each other by solid walls.

In the first cell were fifteen or twenty women with
swollen faces, black eyes and rags around their heads.
Some, with the hair hanging down over their faces,
were dressed in rags. Others were sitting on the
wooden benches and others lying on the floor, but par
tially concealing their bodies. "There goes an old
guy ! " said one, pointing to Mr. Oldbiegh. Mr. Old
biegh was left standing in front of this cell, and when
he looked into it (for although there was a screen in
front of it, the cell was not wholly concealed), he
noticed a withered and lean old woman, with wrinkles
on her face and a cut under her eye, dancing a clog
dance on the floor. A little torn straw hat but imper
fectly hid her gray hair. She had evidently been a
ballet-dancer in the days gone by ; and when she
noticed that Mr. Oldbiegh was watching her, she
threw one foot forward and drew her dress up to her
knee as she had done in the days of her youth and
beauty. An old negro woman in the same cell was
sedately stepping over the bodies of her prostrate com
panions, as she carelessly wandered around like a wild
beast, chanting a wild chant in her native African dia-

88 MR. OLDBIEGR S FURTHER ADVENTURES.

lect as she walked. " Hello ! Charley," said a blear-
eyed woman, lifting herself from the floor by grasping
the bars of the cell and addressing Mr. Oldbiegh.
44 Hello ! Charley ! There's my Charley out there ! "
Mr. Oldbiegh turned away, not feeling complimented at
being taken for her 44 Charley."

The officer now conducted him by a cell in which
were fifteen or twenty male drunks, all lying in a
loathsome mass, or sitting with their melancholy and
repentant visages between their hands, or standing
amidst the prostrate bodies of their companions. An
other cell was passed in which ten or fifteen young
men of that class known as 44 toughs " were deeply
engaged in the popular amusement of blowing a mix
ture of cigarette smoke and bad breath from their
lungs. Other cells were passed in which were little
children, who were so young that they had about as
much knowledge of the nature of a crime as they had
capacity to explain the Binomial theorem. By their
expressions, however, it was evident that some of them
had a pretty thorough knowledge of the nature of an
oath.

Mr. Oldbiegh was put in a cell opposite to one in
wvnich was an unpleasant looking Mexican charged
with murder, who during the whole afternoon persisted
in gazing steadily at Mr. Oldbiegh, and, as Mr. Old
biegh thought, with a bloodthirsty look on his face.

The only person in the cell with Mr. Oldbiegh was a
little man with a hawk's face a face which had this
appearance, because his nose was hooked. After sur

MR. OLDBIKGIl's FURTHER ADVENTURES. 89

veying Mr. Oldbiegh, with his head on one side, like a
bird, he said: " Ain't you Bill the Plug?"

"No, sir!" said Mr. Oldbiegh, sharply.

44 Ah! I thought you was. You look just like him,"
said the little man. After a short time he looked up
into Mr. Oldbiegh's face again, and said: "You ain't
Pete Simpson, the cracksman, are you ? '

44 No ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh, shortly.

44 You look just like him, too," said the other. The
little man was lost in thought for some moments.
44 Say ! " said he, at last, with the same bird look,
44 you ain't Wheeler, the strangle? ?"

44 No, sir ! " was the reply.

44 Well, then, who the deuce are you?" said the little
man, with astonishment.

Mr. Oldbiegh looked at him with anger in his large
blue eyes. 44 Do I look like a darned murderer?" he
asked.

44 No," said the little man, timidly, 44 but you can't
go by looks, you know. Say ! what is your profes
sion, anyhow? I'm a sneak. That's my line. Are
you a sneak or a cracksman?"

44 No, sir, I aren't," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

44 Not in the confidence line?" said the little man,
looking up inquisitively into his face.

44 Well, now, pard," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " I dunno but
you've struck onto it at last. Too much confidence of
a two-forty widdyer!"

44 -Ah ! you worked it together!" said the little man.

"Well, pard," said Mr. Oldbiegh, with a hearty smile
on his features, 44 I ruther think she worked it as much

00 MIL OLDBIKGH'S FURTHER ADVKNTURKS.

alone as anything I ever seen, darned ef I don't! She
just beat cock fightin' all holler ! "

At this moment Mr. Oldbiegh's name was called out,
and he answered " Here."

44 Miss Morthington wants to see you,"' said a turnkey
in a blue flannel shirt, as he unlocked the cell door,
44 Just take a seat in that chair there."

A very pretty young girl of seventeen now came up
to him.

44 I'm Miss Morthington," said the young lad}', 44 and

1 belong to the Sisters of Zion."

Mr. Oldbiegh did not understand her. 44 Whose sis
ter did you say you was, little one?" said he, as he
topk a seat beside her.

44 1 belong to a religious society," said she.

44 Yes, I see," said Mr. Oldbiegh. " And Zion's the
town whar' you're located. I think I drove through
Zion in early days in a stage coach. It's in San Diego
county, ain't it? "

44 No, no ! " said the you.ng lady, in a pitying tone of
voice, and she added in a whisper: 44 Zion is Heaven."

44 Well, I'.ll be bobbed ! haw ! haw ! " said Mr. Old
biegh. " I'd a oughter know'd that."

44 Are you a Christian ? " asked the young lad}% sadly.

44 Well, Miss I beg yer pardon, mum 1 didn't
drop onto your name."

44 Morthington," said the young lady.

44 Miss Morthington," said Mr. Oldbiegh, 4 'ef you
mean do I b'long to any church, I'll have to tell you
the truth I aren't been inside of one, and I aren't
seen a parson at his reg'lar business for twenty-two

MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 91

year. But ef you mean do I believe in doirT what's
right, just and proper, and in helpin' another man
along the road what has fallen by the way, I say yes,
eveiy time ; though I may have been very imperfect
in acting up to my beliefs, I'm sincere in what I've
said, and to do good is my catechism."

"But don't you feel the enormity of your crimes?"

"Why, bless your heart, little one, I never felt the
enormity of nothing," said Mr. Oldbiegh, laughing
heartily. "I'm not a walkin' murderer, a trav,llin'
burglar, a robber, a thief, or such an etarnal old villain
as you seem to have took me for. I'm bluff old Ju-
nyers Oldbiegh. That 'ar's what I am. And this yer
pretty little gal a-takin' me for a personyfied old
scoundrel, haw ! haw ! "

"Do you say your prayers?" asked the young lady,
in a melancholy tone.

" Do I say my prayers, arter all ? " said Mr. Old
biegh, solemnly. "It's not a subject to be spoken of.
Now, let me give you a piece of advice. You've got a
pretty face, and I'll swear to it it's honest ; but the
trouble is you've got to runnin' with hypocrites, and
nobody can stay honest as runs with them." As Mr.
Oldbiegh concluded, he drew out his red-bordered silk
handkerchief and wiped the perspiration from his
forehead.

Just at this moment the policeman who had arrested
him came up and said : " I want you to go with me."

"Here," said the young lady, "is a bouquet from
our pastor, Brother Slinkey ; he wanted me to present
'it to you, ior he inquired about you when he saw you

92 MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES.

taken into the prison, and told me to tell you to think
over the enormity of your sins and pray for forgive
ness: and he sends his brotherly love with these
flowers."

" You tell him," said Mr. Oldbiegh, "that as fur the
enormity of my sins, it's the law of America that no
man is guilty 'till it's proved on him. And as fur Ids
love, since he don't know me, are you sure, little one,
he loves me so dearly? Ask him to loan me two dol
lars. I'm in need of the money. Et' the flowers was
from you, it would be a horse of another color. I'd
put 'em in my trunk and keep 'em forty year; but you
tell that 'ar' Slinkey I don't want no roses from him ! "

It was with difficulty the young lady heard the last
words, for the policeman was leading Mr. Oldbiegh
away. He was conducted to the Rogues' Gallery and
they were about to take his picture, when he discov
ered what was goin^ on. He sprang from his chair
like an enraged tige. 1 , his eyes blazing with fire. The
portrait of Junius Oldbiegh among a lot of rogues!
It was a terrible outrage ! As he stood with his head
thrown back, he presented a picture worthier of a
place in a gallery of art than in a gallery of criminals.

The officer called on the photographer to assist him,
his object being to fasten Mr. Oldbiegh to his chair,
but, although bis hands were manacled, he threw the
photographer to the end of the room. With the police
man he struggled desperately, upsetting a glass case
full of rogues with distorted countenances in one of
the rounds, f,nd cutting his wrists during the course of.
the struggle. Although the policeman threatened to

MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 93

kill him and struck him several blows on the head with
his club, Mr. Oldbiegh kept up the fight with great
bravery and danced around the room in an astonishing
manner. After getting back his breath, the officer
again attempted to fasten him in position. Another
struggle ensued, during which Mr. Oldbiegh had the
audacity to kick the policeman in the stomach three
times in rapid succession. At last the officer fastened
him in the chair, but Mr. Oldbiegh persisted in making
such hideous faces at the photographer and the guar
dian of the peace that they postponed proceedings
until another day, and he was conveyed back to the
jail.

When he got there he found that Mr. Thomas Ge-
seign had procured two men who, for and in consider
ation of twenty dollars to them in hand paid, had
bailed him out. Being a free man, he went with Mr.
Geseign to a drug store, in which a very particular
friend of the latter was clerk, and this person put
some lint and. salve over the wounded wrists, and they
thereupon returned to the hotel where Mr. Oldbiegh
took a warm bath and put on a complete new set of
underclothing. After this he sat in his room, smoking
his pipe, and Mr. Thomas Geseign was perched on the
washstand opposite to him.

u Tommy," said Mr. Oldbiegh, as he perceived a
female face looking through the transom over the door,
u please have the kindness to put a blanket across that
'ar' transom, or there'll be another widdyer a-hoppin'
through and a-tearin' at me!" After this had been
done, Mr. Oldbeigh looked at Mr. Geseign gravely

94 MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES.

for a few moments, as if studying his face. "Tommy,"
said he, taking his pipe from his mouth, " would
you mind sleeping in this here inner room? For if
anything happens, I want corroborative evidence! "

" Certainly, I'll sleep there," said Mr. Geseign. " The
prospect is cheerful. The view pleasing to a poeti
cal mind. The grand old mountains over the bay.
The grand old islands in the bay. The grand old
shipping on the bay. The ships like things of life.
The consumptive ferry that wheezes to Berkeley.
The grand old ruin across the street. The grand
old woman flirting at the window another ancient
ruin ! Rincon hill to the right. Barbary coast to the
left. A muscular Irishman over the way. Beautiful
prospect! Lovely scene to a poetical mind. Come
here," said Mr. Geseign, who was now looking down
at the sidewalk. " Do you see that creachaw ? Is his
appearance fam-i-liah ? " Mr. Oldbiegh looked in the
direction indicated by the finger of his companion, and
saw an individual standing in front of a cigar store
across the street, dressed in a suit of clothes exactly
similar in all respects to the one he had purchased the
day before ; and upon looking more closely at him, Mr.
Oldbiegh perceived that he was a man he had seen
about the hotel several times. "Your double," said
Mr. Geseign. " To-day he has been taken for you
quite often. On your account, the women have
hissed him, and called him unpleasant names ! "

" Well, I'll swan ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh, " ef that 'ar
ain't my soot of clothes ! The varmin has got on my
snob hat, too 1 Bobbed ef he aren't ! "

MR. OL&BIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 95

"He's /nit," said Mr. Geseign, "in borrowed glory.
He wears your feathers. And they fit him too quick.
Especially the pants. You he thinks are a guest
of the State. Your meals are free. Your lodgings
he thinks are prepaid by your friend the State. You
he thinks will pay no taxes. You he thinks
will pay no water-bill. You he thinks the people
will furnish with the latest style of variegated cloth
ing. You he thinks are favored too highly by
the people. They provide for all your wants. You
have enough and to spare. Therefore he thinks
he will take your clothes. He is a philosopher. His
thoughts are deep."

" I'll go and have him took up ! I'll teach the crit
ter to go a-philosophizing with my togs ! " said Mr.
Oldbiegh, starting to rise.

"No, no," said Mr. Geseign, patting his shoulde
"Let him alone ; it was a kindly act. He is unr.-n-
sciously your friend. If you would see him pun
ished, let him wear them. It will terminate fatally
some day ! "

" Well," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " what am I to do fur
snob togs? I'm in need on 'em to go to the 'Convivials'
to-night."

" Come with me to little Neddy my friend a tailor.
The ninth part of a man is therefore small quite so.
He will fit you out to kill pathetic hearts. For you
old maids will sigh. For you mothers will grow
envious. For you maidens sweet creachaws will
proceed to languish. For you widows will die I "

"If it'll kill off vviddyers, Tommy, and I wouldn't

96 MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES.

raind addin' mothers-in-law, from the fearful tales what
I've heard of them," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " I'll spend all
I've got for it, and borry enough for grub ! "

" Correct," said Mr. Geseign. " Come with me,"
and he ran his arm through Mr. Oldbiegh's, and they
went to the clothing store, where Mr. Oldbiegh was
fitted out in a handsome broadcloth suit; but although
the clerk who waited on him wanted him to wear the
black vest which went with the coat, he persisted in
wearing his white vest. His companion next took him
to a shoe store, where he bought some long pointed-
toed button shoes, with green cloth tops. They were
now on Kearney street. Mr. Oldbiegh was looking into
all the shop windows as they walked slowly along, when
suddenly he stopped in front of one in which hung a,
number of silver and gold watches, to which were at
tached pieces of paper on which the prices were marked.
Mr. Oldbiegh's attention was attracted by all of these,
but an expression of delight soon came over his face,
and his eyes became riveted on a gold scarf-pin, the
head of which consisted of a golden monkey with
green eyes. Mr. Oldbiegh was so greatly pleased with
the design that he entered the store and purchased it
at onctj, and stuck it into the centre of his shirt-bosom.
His eye was next attracted by the largest silver watch
in the place, a stem-winder, about two and a half inches
in diameter.

" That watch looks as if it had strength enough to
go," said he.

" Yes, sir," said the jeweller.

He purchased it against the protests of his compaD

MR. OLDBIKGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 97

ion, who wanted him to get a smaller watch. He
replied that he wanted one that had strength enough
" to go, and keep a goin'." The small one he bought,
and forced Mr. Geseign to accept it as a present. It
was a neat gold watch.

Although Mr. Oldbiegh's wrists were sore, and
although he was feeling somewhat unwell on account
of the excitement of the day, when the time came he
accompanied Mr. Geseign to the " Grotto." On the
road Mr. Geseign performed many fantastic and curious
feats, which added to the amusement of his companion.
Amongst other things, he seemed to take great delight
in winking in the most audacious manner at the hand
some shop-girls who were returning from their work.
One pretty girl was coming toward him, and as she
continued to approach, he gazed steadily at her feet.
She glanced down at her feet often, and at the front of
her dress; when they had passed by, Mr. Oldbiegh
looked back and saw that the girl had stopped and was
examining them carefully.

" Beautiful example," said Mr. Geseign, " of woman's
curiosity."

44 1 kinder think, arter all, you're a pretty hard case,"
said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" I deny the soft impeachment ; I repel it with
scorn ! " said Mr. Geseign. " I am soft. When a child
I was all innocence. My mind a mass of commin
gled simplicity of purity and truth. In church I
never dozed. At Sunday school I captured the cards.
I never once traded them for marbles, like other
6

98 MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVKNTURKS.

wicked little boys. At the end of the year for them
I obtained a hymnal.

"My childish kings for months after on balmy
mornings might have been heard trilling l Old Hun
dred ' like a young and religious bird. All nature
smiled.

"As a child, I never chewed that filthy weed
tobacco.

" I remember the day I took my first oath : I had
struck my thumb with a hammer. The oath was a
mild one, quite mild. In time I rose in the scale.
My oaths grew more manly and solemn. I now used
them on minor occasions. One soft Sunday morning
early in June I finished my training. I had learned
the latest one out. It shocked my nerves it shook
my frame. I survived and here I am to tell the
tale ! "

Mr. Geseign was dressed in his best that evening,
and with a five-cent cigar slanting up from the left
corner of his mouth he was happy. His shoes had
their toes polished for the occasion, and Becky, after
tying his blue silk cravat, had swept down his clothes
with a new broom. He wore his yellow-striped panta
loons, and on his back he had a double-breasted blue
coat, the tails of which were rather short and some
what ragged, but the coat was well brushed. On his
head was a "stove-pipe " hat of enormous size, the broad
brim of which rested upon his ears. They reached the
"Grotto." Somebody np stairs was singing a song
and accompanying himself on a banjo. The window
curtain being up, the shoulders of a slim young man,

MR. OLDBIEGTT'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 99

leaning against the sill, were visible, and by the light
within a round red face, terminated by a gray goatee,
might be seen. They walked up the stairway, and this
personage, .who had recognized the face of Mr. Geseign
in the front garden, came to the head of the steps to
meet them.

" Well, my young blue-blooded snob ! " said this indi
vidual, addressing Mr. Geseign, " how are you, any
how?"

" That's just it," said Mr. Geseign ; " I'm about
five feet eight. How are you ? "

" Hearty," was the reply.

"My friend Mr. Oldbiegh. Mr. Oldbiegh my
friend, Mr. Barium. Know each other; that's a good
fellow ! Where's Sammy ? "

" There he is," said Mr. Barium, pointing proudly to
a slender young man with long light hair and a sallow
countenance, who, with his arms folded, was leaning
against the window sill.

" The cheekiest young man in San Francisco," said
Mr. Geseign, turning to Mr. Oldbiegh. " My friend
Barium's boy. A cheeky phenomenon ! "

" I should say he was ! " said Mr. Barium, enthusias
tically. Mr. Oldbiegh, on looking at the young man,
perceived that he was calmly amusing himself by gaz
ing at him with a cast-iron stare, and an expression of
deep study on his face. " That boy of mine makes me
feel proud," said Mr. Barium, as Mr. Geseign walked
away to shake hands with a group of gentlemen on the
other side of the room. " I may say his edication is
totally completed. I may say what lie ain't up to it

100 MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES.

ain't worth no man f s while to learn, for it ain't worth
knowing ; if it was he'd a learned it. And now he's
settled, he's one of the best young men in town. The
other young men can't hold a Christmas candle to him.
He'd scorn himself if he couldn't beat them. And as
for cheek though they are cheeky I don't deny it,
Oldbiegh, I don't deny it ! he beats them holler.

" There used to be no hole in San Francisco that boy
couldn't creep through. When he was up to games
with the other boys, the policemen were awfully fooled
on Sammy. They used to think they'd caught him
sometimes. But it was all a mistake. When they'd
reach out to nab him, he'd always find a hole, and when
they'd put down their hands, they'd find a leetle hole
and Sammy gone."

" How old is the critter?" asked Mr. Oldbiegh.

"You wouldn't think it," said Mr. Barium ; "he's
only twenty-one and a voter, though he's voted often
before, because he's got the expression of a man of
forty on his face, and he's learned things men of eighty
actually never dropped onto yet."

44 He has a quiet look," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

44 Quiet?" said the other. "He's just got married;
he's fearfully subdued ; but a graveyard is nowhere to
Sammy, when it's his desire to be quiet. And sly?
That boy beats a weasel all to nothing. But he always
was a good boy, when he was young. There was no
petty larceny about him no stealing and he scorned
lying. That boy never told me a lie in his life not
that I know of. The only rough business he ever done
was merely in playfulness, such as neatly polishing off

MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 101

an ugly acquaintance, or getting the policeman after
his gang, and running in front of him and tripping him
up. Now he's settled down to business ; and in our
profession, which is even a cheekier profession than a
lawyer's, he's the acknowledged leader. Look at his
face," said the father, his ruddy countenance beaming
with a proud smile; " ain't it just covered an inch deep
with pure and simple cheek? "

" That 'ar'd be my judgment," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

u Of course it is ! " said the proud father ; " and that
boy can drink more beer, and keep smiling all the time,
and never feel it, than any two hundred and forty
pound Dutchman what's just out from Germany. Yes,
he can ! " At this moment the young man referred to
took a banjo, which was handed to him, and while he
beat time with his foot, rattled away on an Irish jig at
tremendous rate. " Hear him ! just hear him ! He'd
pull music out of the head of a salmon barrel!" said
the father, with delight.

For some unaccountable reason the dinner had been
delayed, and several waiters, who were in neat white
aprons, and whose heads had a loud and distinct odor
of bear's oil, were rushing to and fro nervously and
excitedly, which caused them to stumble over the ex
tended legs and large feet of the various gentlemen
present, for which unfortunate occurrences the waiters
profoundly apologized.

A little black-haired runner had suggested that
while they were waiting for the dinner, Sammy should
tune up the banjo which he had brought with him, by
special request, and pursuant to a resolution passed in

102 MR. OLDBIEGIl's FURTHER ADVENTURES.

due form at the* last meeting of the club. The mem
bers of the association soon formed in a circle around
the musician, and with their hands clasped beneath
their coat-tails enjoyed the music immensely. It was
not long before they began to keep time with their feet,
and one grave-looking gentleman could not resist a
violent inclination to dance a shuffle. As the others
silently made room for him, he gradually worked his
way to a position in front of the musician, where he
shuffled away, with a solemn expression on his face, at
such a rate and with such earnestness that the perspi
ration rolling down his neck took all the stiffening out
of his collar.

The music enlivened the whole company, and as the
first course was now on the table the crowd that drew
up their chairs and sat down was indeed a merry one.
As a proof of this, the decanter of claret starting from
one end of the board reached the other and made the
whole circuit with astonishing rapidity, and during its
progress the wine had been entirely extracted by the
44 Convivials." And it was but a few moments before
the members of the club at different parts of the table
were clinking their glasses together, thereby making a
music which was enchanting to their ears; and the
music thus produced chimed in beautifully with the
jolly merriment on all of the faces of the persons pres
ent, with one exception. Mr. Oldbiegh, whose counte
nance was beaming with good nature from top to
bottom, and from side to side and lengthwise and
crosswise and diagonally, had just raised his glass of
claret to his lips when the good nature departed from

MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 103

his face ; he placed his glass upon the table, and turn
ing slowly around to Mr. Geseign, who, while he sat
on Mr. Oldbiegh's right, kept the company in a roar,
he said : " Tommy, it's here. Yes," said Mr. Oldbiegh,
in a solemn whisper, "that 'ar' varmin'; that 'ar' little
yaller dog is here. Look toward 'tother end of the
table."

"I know," said Mr. Geseign. ^Tony Olsen invited
him."

"Well, Tommy," said Mr. Oldbiegh, "I can't eat
hearty to-night. That 'ar' critter takes away my hull
appetite."

" Pshaw ! " said Mr. Geseign, " drink your fiery
fluid. Banish such thoughts."

"It can't be did, nohow," said Mr. Oldbiegh, in a
melancholy and dejected tone. " I can't get over the
pressure of the varmiu', Tommy," and true to his
statement, Mr. Oldbiegh ate but little dinner and bore
a gloomy and melancholy expression on his counte
nance the whole evening.

After the mock-turtle soup, one of the waiters
brought in a massive piece of roast beef, the gravy of
which was still frying and bubbling as the meat had
just been taken from the oven; the delightful odor of
the roast pervaded the room and sharpened up the
appetites of the "Convivials" there assembled.

"How'll you take it, Mr. Rosby?" said the Presi
dent of the club, who sat at the head of the table and
carved.

" Rare," replied the first person on his right, ad
dressed by the name of Rosby.

104 MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES.

The waiter stepped forward to take the plate and
hand it.

44 Never mind," said the President, handing it him
self; " we don't need no extras to-night. Pekey,
how'll you take it ? " continued he, addressing the
next man.

" Rare," said this person.

"How'll you take it, Billy?" said the President.

" Rare," said Billy.

" Mr. Oldbiegh, how'll you take it ? "

" Rare," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

The beef having started " rare," went rare until it
came to Mr. Oldwhistle. Mr. Oldbiegh watched him
earnestly, his mouth half open with expectation, and
while he continued to watch him he nudged Mr.
Geseign with his elbow.

44 How'll you take it, Mr. Oldwhistle?" said the
President.

Mr. Oldwhistle looked steadily at Mr. Oldbiegh a
moment, and a sneer crept over his features while he
continued to gaze at him. At last he said: "Til take
it well done ! "

"I know'd it!" said Mr.. Oldbiegh, aloud.

44 Well ," said the little scientist, in his bitterest tone,
"have you anything to say against it?"

" No," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " I was only noticin' the
nature of the critter."

44 Hear ! hear I " shouted several individuals who did
not understand the nature of the conversation. The
little scientist was about to reply, when the person sit-

MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 105

ting next to him, after a good deal of trouble, suc
ceeded in dissuading him.

" Speaking of roast beef," said the President, look
ing up at the company, by which the fact was noted
that there was a cast in his right eye, "speaking of
roast beef reminds me of turkey pie and also of a
story about it, in which the hero was a little fellow
with a red head."

"Silence!" cried several persons, rapping on the
table ; " hear ! hear ! "

"Well," said the President, "it was this way. I
was stopping at a country hotel called the Forest
House. The fare was none of the best, consisting of
hash for breakfast, with a sprinkling of the cook's hair,
which had become loose the night before, in her strug
gles with a young fellow with side-chops who was
courting her, and perhaps a whisker or so of his
throw'd in, and coffee composed of a combination of
chiccory and beans ; for lunch we had mackerel and
potatoes cooked in milk, and at dinner beef steaks so
thin and tough that they might have been converted
into cross-cut saws, if teeth had only been filed into
their edges. But on Sunday we always had a bang-up
turkey pie; and the way the boarders went for that
turkey pie would make you hold your breath. Well,
one Sunday a little red-headed chap come to stop with
us, and he looked as if he had a appetite like a man-
eating shark ; he brought a stout lady along with him
who was his wife and had a appetite like a female
shark, and she brought his mother-in-law. You, gen
tlemen, know how a mother-in-law can eat! Well,

106 MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES.

she could eat for six days, go as you please ! Old Joe
Thompson you know him, Billy," said the President,
turning to a man on his left, " and you know how he
liked anything good to eat. Well, he sat at the head
of the table and served the pie. He liked turkey pie
very especially. The little man with the brick-colored
roof sat at the foot of the table, to the left his wife,
and beyond his mother-in-law, with the regulation
mother-in-law appetite, all with their mouths just
watering for pie, as was easy to see. They had been
helped once and the third person beyond had been
helped, when the wife warbles for another piece, and,
immediately upon that, the mother-in-law sings out for
a piece. Somehow or other the little red-headed man
hadn't been helped yet.

" Old Joe kept serving the pie and cutting the pieces
smaller and smaller and looking sourer at each person
he helped. At last he saw the little red-headed man,
whom he thought he'd helped but had forgotten,
smacking his lips and licking his chops in a way that
was dreadful; then old Joe saw his plate and noticed
that he had passed him over. Old Joe was fearful
sour and riled now, as there was only one piece of pie
left, and that was too small to be cut. Holding his
carving-knife in the air, old Joe kept looking at the
little man a long time before he could speak without
choking ; then he broke out and said : 4 1 s'pose you
want some of the turkey pie, you red-headed scoundrel!
Do you?*"

" Ain't that joke old ? " said Mr. Old whistle, with a
sneer.

MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 107

" Yes, sir," said the President, " but it wasn't worth
a cuss till I dressed it up."

"Oh! ah!" said Mr. Oldwhistle, "you made the
joke, then?"

" Yes, sir, I made the joke," said the President, " but
you didn't see the point. Come around to my office
to-morrow, and I'll try to explain it to you."

" Well," said a small individual with curly hair,
after a few moments, "but did the little red-headed
man say yes or no when he was asked if he would
have some pie ; that's what I'd like to find out."

" Well," replied the President, " it's certain he did
say something; but what it was nobody has ever found
out, 'cause old Joe looked so mad while he was saying
it that the other people were so scared they couldn't
hear what the little man said. But this is known
though whether it had anything to do with the turkey
pie I don't know people say their dead bodies were
found the next morning at the bottom of a canon ; the
grass and bushes were ripped up for fifty feet around
and their clothes were half torn from their bodies, and
in the little man's mouth was his last will, in which he
stated he died a natural death; but I s'pose he done
this in his final moments to save the life insurance for
his wife, of whom people say he was passionately
fond."

"Ah ! " said the curly-headed man, in a satisfied tone.

By this time the company had reached that stage of
the dinner at which people cease, from necessity, to eat;
so while they continued to tell stories, they continued
to drink. They began now to call for toasts, and the

108 MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES.

first person called upon was Mr. Old whistle, and the
toast demanded, " the ladies." Mr. Oldwhistle had been
notified the day before, and like other great orators he
at once proceeded to commit his spontaneous and im
promptu eloquence to paper, after which he committed
it to memory. He now arose with considerable ease
and started out into his speech; but under the effect of
his wine, and beneath the searching glance of Mr. Old-
biegh's large blue eyes, he stopped, began to forget his
impromptu utterances, stammered, turned red, and for
got what followed. There were several moments which
were to him moments of awful silence, during which
the atmosphere seemed to ring in his ears ; but at the
end of that time, as if to give himself courage, he
pummeled the table with his little fist and proceeded
as follows: "Women women oh yes ! women are
delightful in their manners, in their lives, in their
morals, and in their actions. They are the flowers of
humanity, and the poetry of existence. Where women
are there is goodness ; arid every man when he's with
a woman is happy in the extreme. Well may they be
provided with wings, and when they have taken on the
yellow golden hue of paradise, and their hair has taken
the color of sunlight be angels ! The transition is easy
for women. If you keep in the company of a woman
you will do nothing that is evil unless you be natu
rally of an evil disposition," said the speaker, looking
hard at Mr. Oldbiegh. "You can be sure of this
you cannot get into trouble by being too much in the
company of women, for they will refine you. Women's
minds are naturally just, and you'd be astonished to

MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 109

find how many things they notice ; and they are the
most delightful of creatures unless you are naturally
vicious," said the speaker, again looking at Mr. Old
biegh with an impudent smile. Mr. Oldbiegh attempted
to rise several times during the speech, but was held
down by Mr. Geseign. " What sort of a time do you
s'pose we would have without women ? " asked the
speaker, with a rhetorical flourish. A little " Convivial,"
who had during the last twenty minutes been gradually
sliding under the table, taking this inquiry to be
directed to himself personally, spruced up and replied
that we would have " a high old time, you bet ! "
u Well," said the speaker, " how is it that women of
this character, women who can do no wrong, are treated ?
Men of dispositions naturally corrupt," said he, gazing
at Mr. Oldbeigh again, "attempt to break their hearts,
just for personal amusement, and impose upon them."

Mr. Oldwhistle started to sit down, and as he started
to sit down Mr. Oldbiegh started to rise, and notwith
standing the fact that Mr. Geseign pulled heavily on
his coat-tails, and actually ripped the left coat-tail off,
by the time Mr. Oldwhistle had resumed his chair Mr.
Oldbiegh was firmly on his feet. His face was glowing
with indignation, and in his indignation he had per
formed three rhetorical curves in the air with his right
hand before he was able to speak. It was a beautiful
sight to see Mr. Oldbiegh thus excited, standing in one
coat-tail, and waving his arm loftily in the air ! When
he did speak, he said :

" Gentlemen, I aren't in the habit of speakin', for I
aren't no lawyer, nor no preacher, nor no orator; but,

110 MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES.

gentlemen, when a piece of yaller soap rises up on its
legs at this table to attack me, I rise to defend myself
from the varmin' and yaller dog ! And if I can't defend
myself by talkin', let that 'ar' piece of yaller soap
bring around its biggest friend to fight for it, and I'll
punch the head of that 'ar' friend 'till he sees more
stars than a astronomer! And if that 'ar' piece of
yaller soap ain't satisfied, let it bring around the rest of
its friends, and I'll whop them all for his sake, darned
ef I don't !

" The varmin' he's spoke of women, and of their
being absolute perfection. I aren't the man to say a
word agen women, and I never will, but ef you only
know'd what an awful kettle of fish one of 'em has
gone and put me into, gentlemen well, gentlemen, it's
beyond the powers of description ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh,
wiping his perspiring forehead as he sat down.

The President of the association, perceiving signs
that the quarrel would continue, induced Mr. Barium,
Jr., to commence playing on the banjo. He then called
"order," and winking at several other members, they
also called "order," and when Mr. Oldwhistle arose,
loud shouts of "order," interspersed with a few cat
calls and groans, induced him to resume his seat. The
young man played several jigs, and was then called
upon for a song, and sang "Old Folks at Home," and
was loudly applauded. He then sang " Little Empty
Cradle," and was slapped on the back by his neighbors

Mr. Geseign was called upon. Between Mr. Geseign
and Mr. Barium there existed quite a rivalry, and Mr.
Geseign desired to be called upon once oftener than

MR. OLDBIEGR'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. Ill

his rival. In order to accomplish this end he resorted
to the following strategic action. After tuning the
banjo to suit himself, he played a very ordinary air on
the instrument. He was then asked for a song. He
sang a song which was just out; but this was not the
song they wanted, for he sang one with which the
members of the club were alone to be satisfied, and
they never allowed him to arise from his seat until he
had sung it. This song was named " Mrs. Lofty."
With a laugh he said he had forgotten it, and sang
another song which pleased them very much, com
mencing :

" Night came on a hurricane,
The seas were mountains rolling",
When Barney Buntiine turned his quid
And spoke to Billy Bowline."

This, however, did not satisfy the " Convivials," so
they called loudly for " Mrs. Lofty," and Mr. Geseign
not only sang it, but was compelled to repeat the last
verse.

Several toasts were responded to after this, and as
the members continued to drink, at a late hour they
might have been seen in various positions around the
room. One gentleman was sitting in the corner with
his outstretched legs wide apart. Several were under
the table. Several more had their chins against their
bosoms, their chairs tilted back, and their feet upon
the table, while they tried to smoke the cigars which
somebody had spilled on the wine-stained table, and

112 MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES.

would ever arid anon put the lighted ends in their
mouths.

Mr. Oldvvhistle was resting on his chair, with head
hanging over one side, and his legs over the other; and
his limp condition greatly amused Mr. Oldbiegh, who,
with Mr. Geseign and one or two others, was still
tolerably sober.

The members of the club, with the exception of the
member in the corner and the members under the table,
at last started for home. After they had gone a short
distance, singing and shouting as they went, one mem
ber left the rest and turned into a side street, and a few
moments later he was heard amusing himself by firing
three shots from his pistol into the air. This member
terminated his evening's amusement by winding up in
a cell of the City Prison.

Another member found his way home, but before
retiring to rest relieved his feelings by firing two pistol
shots into the body of a neighbor's goat, which was
gazing sadly by moonlight between the pickets of the
fence which divided the two yards. Still another sud
denly left his companions on a run, and did not stop
until, after scrambling up a long stairway on Kearney
street, he fell prostrate in front of the door of the
studio of an artist named Mendell Welcker, arid this
gentleman, naturally mistaking him for one of his artist
friends, dragged him to a lounge in the studio. The
next morning when the artist went to breakfast he
pinned a paper to the vest of the member of the society
of " Convivials," requesting him if he was sober enough

MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES. 113

when he left to read English to leave the key under
the door-mat.

Still another member, who lived in a house facing on
a street car track, was started between the rails by his
companions, and told not to leave the track until he
was opposite his house. After many violent exertions
to keep between the rails, and attempting to rest by
seizing posts along the road, every one of which, after
whirling him around several times, persisted in throw
ing him to the ground, finally he did reach home ; and
after debating with himself as to the advisability of
taking a rest before going into the house, he concluded
at last to take the rest. He sat down on the ground,
and after muttering to himself repeatedly the words,
u High old time," decided that it would conduce to his
ease to lie on his breast. He therefore assumed this
position, and had the general appearance of a man
eating grass.

Still another grave member of the club went home
to the bosom of his family, which consisted of a talka
tive wife, and found himself alongside of his wife's
bed in a prostrate condition, before she was aware of
his presence. With an indistinct idea that the proper
thing to do was to get into bed, he attempted to raise
himself from the floor by pulling on the counterpane.
In this operation he, of course, pulled the counterpane
off the bed. He then attempted to raise himself by pull
ing on the blankets, but the blankets were also pulled off.
As a last resort he strove to raise himself by pulling
on the sheets. When they came off his good wife
awakened and took in the situation at a glance. We
7

114 MR. GESEIGN'S TRAGEDY.

shall not describe the cruel manner in which she treated
him, for fear that the fair reader will feel shocked that
one of her own sweet sex could have had such a bar
barous disposition. Believing that we have faithfully
described these important transactions of the " Con-
vivials," it is proper that we should throw down our
pen and take it up in the next chapter, and in the
interval regale ourself with a luxurious five-cent cigar
for we have no wife to prevent it.

CHAPTER III.
MR. GESBIGN'S TRAGEDY.

TTTELL, Tommy," said Mr. Oldbiegh, as he sat up
If in his bed the morning after the entertainment
given by the " Convivials," " well, Tommy," said he,
as he drank his coffee and tasted his toast, " what a
blessin' it are to be a bachlor ! Say, have you learned
anything about the case of me and that 'ar' widdyer
in the courts? "

" I have," said Mr. Geseign, " visited the Temple
erected to police justice. The Temple beautiful
structure where justice is meted between bummah
and bummah, where the judge sits in his rigidity
a holy terror to the youthful offender. I have talked
with the frigid clerk. The frigid clerk tells me (I
am his friend), confidentially, that your case to use
his words 4 is slightly a stunner. It is,' says he

MR. GESETGN'S TRAGKDY. 115

confidentially 'the very deuce of a case.' In such
cases he says the jury composed of doting
fathers and loving husbands is bad material for
you. They consider women simple creatures silly
wretches betrayed loy harsh men ; and the dear
fathers blind to all wiles convict the harsh men
without fail every pop. Quite so.

"Justice or no justice your case, he says confi
dentially is hopeless. Ah ! my friend there is one
escape from this calamity. The woman Kate Brum-
lin offers to settle for five hundred shinahs. You
are now in a box; you can thus creep out. The day
of deliverance is at hand ! "

"Tommy,'* said Mr. Oldbiegh, solemnly, "it can't
be did. It's no use temptin' me. No, never ! "

"What?" said Mr. Geseign, with a deprecatory
motion of his hand.

"No use," said Mr. Oldbiegh, "it can't be did, no
how. Go 'way from me, Tommy ; don't try to tempt
me."

"Let me tell you," said Mr. Geseign, "reason; cast
away sentiment. For one moment confer with your
self. Picture the scene. You stand in the court
room you sit in the court room a criminal I Fathers
of daughters husbands of wives in the audience
condemn you. Twelve fathers in solemn dignity in
twelve chairs in the jury box condemn you un
heard. Public sentiment is against you. The learned
gentleman who prosecutes eloquently calls you a
monstah ! Then the twenty-four eyes of the twelve
indignant fathers frown on the monstah ! You

116 MR. GESEIGN'S TRAGEDY.

are the monstah ! The learned gentleman elo
quently feels sorrow that you belong to his race.
The twelve fathers feel sorrow. Next a dramatic
effect. The bashful Kate poor creachaw is borne
in. Poor thing how sad ! Hollow cheeks and pale
with chalk! Black rings of Indiah ink beneath
her eyes. So haggard ! The twelve fathers gaze
again on the monstah ! Cruel villain ! Infamous
hound ! The black eyes the pale cheeks are his
work ! She so weak and unprotected. The learned
gentleman calls you names. Wonderful eloquence !
The twelve fathers weep profusely! The monstah is
sent to San Quentin by those fathers. In the Peni
tentiary you grow bald by compulsion. Fearful ex
perience ! By compulsion your dress is a uniform.
You look in your uniform like a stout garter
snake ! Dreadful ! Oh my friend listen to reason ! "

44 Never ! It can't be did, nohow ! " said Mr. Old-
biegh, sternly. " Don't tempt me ! "

" Well, my friend," said Mr. Geseign, you will suf-
fah in spite of hallelujah ! "

"All right," said Mr. Oldbiegh. "I'm the man
what won't whine over it, even if they do turn me to
a garter snake ! If it comes, it comes, and thar's the
end on it!"

"But," said Mr. Geseign, "think reason."

"It aren't no use," said Mr. Oldbiegh; "ef them
twelve varmin' are a-goin to send me to San Quentin
because they ain't got brains enough to know that any
grown woman what walks the earth can purtect her-

MR. GESEIGN'S TRAGEDY. 117

self from any man, if she only wants to, I'll go to San
Quentin, darned ef I don't!"

" True," said Mr. Geseign, " very true the sentiment
is true. But let some other man practice it. To be
a martyr is delightful in theory; in practice dis
agreeable ! "

"Tommy," said Mr. Oldbiegh, "changing the sub
ject, when I passed your room last night your door
was open, and a lamp which was lighted was sitting on
the table, and lying on the desk was a picture of the
tallest tree I ever set eyes onto, all drawn in ink. The
tree had a trunk about the size of a knitting-needle,
and was about two foot high ; and all the branches was
straight, except where they started off at a sudden
angle, and they all had the names of people written
over them in red ink. Are you a artist? "

" No," said Mr. Geseign ; " you did not comprehend
the tree. It is my ancestral my genealogical tree.
I am the top branch. Gaze on me I am a blood !
You see before you a blood ! a thorough blood !
And the blood is blue entirely blue."

"I s'pose by that 'ar'," said Mr. Oldbiegh, "you
mean you're fond of fast horses ? "

" Quite," said Mr. Geseign, " as any other blood.
Oh ! blood I The beauties of blood ! Proud word !
It brings to my mind my ancestahs. I see their
shadowy figures. I see them looming into the remote
past. One thousand years of ancestahs all bloods !
Think of it! Interesting thought for you; but a
sad spectacle for me their only son. I see them
my twenty fathers jolly old bloods! Affecting sight

118 MR. GESEIGN'S TRAGEDY.

to me their sole survivor, stranded in the land
of gold without a dollah ! "

"How do you make out that 'ar'?" said Mr. Old
biegh.

" Have you liquor to soothe my feelings while
I relate ?" asked Mr. Geseign.

"Ring that 'ar' bell in the wall, thar," said Mr.
Oldbiegh. Mr. Geseign did so.

" Wait," said he, as he went out, " I will fetch the
melancholy tree."

When he came back the waiter had arrived with a
bottle of whisky and two glasses. Mr. Oldbiegh and
Mr. Geseign both sampled the liquor, and considering
it to have the proper taste, Mr. Geseign winked at Mr.
Oldbiegh, who by way of response closed one of his
large blue eyes, while an owl-like and solemn expres
sion covered his face.

" Tommy," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " before you com
mence, put a couple of pillows under my back, for I'm
kind of weak to-day, somehow, though I can't account
for it; and my head aches for some reason, so put a
wet towel around it, and close that 'ar' shutter to keep
the sunlight out of my eyes."

Mr. Geseign did as requested. Then, taking a seat
and putting his feet up on the washstand, he upset
the pitcher, which fell to the floor and was broken.
This caused Becky, the blonde housemaid with the red
tassels on her shoes, to rush into the room, with an
angry expression on her visage.

" Charming creachaw ! " said Mr. Geseign, as she

MR. GTCSEIGX'S TRAGEDY. 119

entered the room, " take a seat. Do not feel embar
rassed by the appearance of my friend."

" Oh! you wretch, what have you done?" said the
rosy Becky.

" Becky my dear don't be cruel ! " said Mr. Ge-
seign, "or I shall proceed to expire."

" You're an ugly scamp ! " said the girl, as she began
to pick up the pieces.

"Don't don't!" said Mr. Geseign, in an agonized
tone, " with your too tendah fingers," and he got
down on his knees beside her and began to help pick
them up.

" You're always so awkward," said Becky, with
something like a smile. "Now," said she, standing up,
with the pieces in her brown checked apron, " will
you ever do it again ? "

"Nevah!" said Mr. Geseign.

She glanced at him a moment with a look of reproof,
surrounded by a look of admiration, in her eyes, and
left the room; and upon gazing through the crack
behind the door Mr. Oldbiegh saw her shaking the
handle of her broom menacingly at Mr. Geseign, who
stood at the door, holding it half open.

"I am," said Mr. Geseign, as he resumed his seat,
" a nobleman -in disguise ! My first ancestah here
he's perched in this tree Sir Humphrey Bolding
was a Baron. Full blood. His nose was Roman.
His features aristocratic. He came over with Wil
liam the Conqueror bosom friends in the same
boat! On a spree and a tare all the way. Never
sober jolly old cocks ! When they landed sobered

120 MR. GESEIGN'S TRAGEDY.

up how they fought dreadful! In the thickest
and the thinnest of the fight everywhere all at
once ! Wonderful warriors those days ! My ances-
tah had four horses shot under him. One over him.
William had two ! My ancestah met a Saxon a cruel
giant. With one blow he killed him and cut his ears
off. Presented them to William. He wore them
next his heart forever after as a trophy.

44 Sir Humphrey had issue three boys: Sir Henry,
Sir Gavalkine and Sir Beaumont. All three had
light hair. The eldest was quiet, religious and cun
ning. Would be a monk. The second was ambitious.
Would be a monk. He threw the eldest in a tower.
Heated an iron. When red hot he ran it down his
brother's throat. Was lord himself by the operation.
He never had a child. In consequence he died of
grief. His brother had thirteen daughters no sons.
He paid the priests to pray for sons vast sums of
shinahs. It wouldn't work. My ancestah was dis
gusted. The eldest daughter inherited. As a female
she was cruel. She crushed the hearts of many
males for she was beautiful. I have her features.
She married a strolling musician. He was proud to
be at no great expense an Italian Count. Kept up
the blood. My next ancestah murdered his mother.
He was in debt to the money-lenders to a fearful ex
tent, and wanted his inheritance. And so my ances-
tahs kept on being born all bloods. I am the last of
the stock a lonely and a noble monument ! "

" That accounts for them fellers at the * Convivials '

MR. GESEIGN'S TRAGEDY. 121

callin' you a blood. I understand it now," said Mr.
Oldbiegh.

"They all know it," said Mr. Geseign. "The
whole world knows it, but blood, like intellect, is
nothing without mone} r . I am a brilliant young man
and I am a blood. I write poetry of the grandest
character. Poetry by Thomas Geseign ! But all is
unrecognized and has been for years for I am poor
while the rot of other men's brains is praised
to heaven ! "

"You're right thar, Tommy ; for I've seen the time
when people wouldn't no more notice me than a dag,
but now them what are a-beginnin' to find out I've got
coin are a showing me more attention than is due to
the Duke of Cackyack or the King of the Sandwich
Islands. I didn't know you was a poetical writer,
though."

" Oh ! its easy anything is poetry if you've got
coin to push it. Pay the big guns to say it's poetry.
Pay them to praise it. And some men will be cer
tain to believe it. Others will fear to deny it. And
then come the sheep to repeat their ideas. If I
couldn't write such slush as the first poets of to-day
have written pshaw ! I wouldn't have the audacity
to offer my services to a Chinaman for one bit a day !
Coin ! coin ! Beautiful coin ! It will make orators
it will make writers it will make statesmen it will
make gods ! Be-youtiful chink ! " said Mr. Geseign,
slapping his leg in the intensity of his emotion.

"Did you ever write for the papers?" said Mr. Old-
biegh.

122 MR. GESEIGN'S TRAGEDY.

" Shall I tell you my experience ? " said Mr. Geseign,
looking inquiringly at his companion.

" Bang away," said Mr. Oldbiegh, nodding his head
approvingly.

" In the last six years," said Mr. Geseign, " my arti
cles which I have written tragic pathetic comic
and all have been rejected one hundred and eighteen
times by all the leading eastern monthlies. By eastern
weeklies I have been rejected often. And yet
some of these journals publish idiocy imbecility
and slush. By two drivelling California publications
I have been rejected. You might think I was a
spring poet and had a right to be discouraged in
those six years. No I admitted no such right. In
stead I tried an experiment. I numbered the pages
of my MS. Page six was placed after page thirteen.
When it came back page six was still at its post.
Tried the experiment again. Placed page four after
page seven, page five after page fourteen. Bucked a
new tiger. MS. came back undisturbed. I thus per
ceived that there was a close corporation somewhere.
I was not discouraged. My ancestahs' blue blood was
running still in my veins. I felt it !

41 Six years of failure ! I felt like a chicken with
its head cut off. Yet still I could flutter and flut
tered like hallelujah. 4 Keep her up old boy ' said I.
I bucked the old tiger called Fate once again. For
thirteen nights without intermission I wrote ! On
the thirteenth night I completed a tragedy. I called
it ' To the Bitter End.' Filled with horrors it was
tragic. I collared a Hoodlum. I took him to my room

MR. GESKIGN'S TRAGEDY. 123

I read it, and asked him how he liked it. He said
he'd seen it played before "by Booth and it was
4 wrote by Shakspeare ! ' I collared a lawyer. Same
result. I collared a preacher. Same result. I collared
a bootblack. Same result. I presented it to forty-
seven actresses. None of them wanted it. I took
it to the theatre. A sarcastic stage-manager told me I
lied when I said I wrote it, and said it was wonder
ful and instead of playing it tried to play me by
saying such a play hadn't been written for centuries."

"Have you got any of that 'ar' tragedy?" said Mr.
Oldbiegh.

" I have," said his companion.

" Let's have some," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

Mr. Geseign went into his room and returned with
some dirty MS.

" Read her," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " turn her loose," as
he poured out another glass of whisky, "and fix these
yer pillows first, for my back seems to be gettin'
weaker ; and shut up them green blinds a little more,
before you start into her ; then I'll tell you whether it's
natchral or not."

" All right," said Mr. Geseign, as he closed the shut
ters. " I will first repeat to you some passages. If
then you like it I will read it through. Here's a
love scene," and he read as follows :

SCENE II. An open place in front of Mrs Stone's house in
Berkeley ; the full moon rises over the hills.

Enter GODFREY, R.

God. Before the night came here was she to meet me :
Either some strange mischance hath fallen her,

124 MR. GESEIGN'S TRAGEDY.

Or else kind-hearted Night hath drawn her veil,
Before the time, to keep the hot-rayed sun
From off her face. Now come the little stars ;
Through every crack of Heaven do they peep down
To catch a view of her o'er-lovely face !
But now she comes ! I hear her steps
Making sweet music for th' enraptured air !

Enter JOSEPHINE, L.

Jos. And did you think that I would never come ?

God. The hours did truly seem stretched out so long,
I might have named them never ; but since now
I see thee here, the evil of that time
Does serve but as a contrast to these moments,
That like to sunbeams, frightened by the night,
Do swiftly flee away!

Jos. I had been here,

But that some envious demon held me back,
Now placing this, now that, across my path !

God. 'Tis strange, then, that the mighty fairy legions

Sallied not forth to guard thee 'gainst this demon ;

For I know that these fairies love thee well ;

I've seen them oft, wrapt in a cloak of sunbeams,

Coming, unknown to thee, to steal sweet kisses

From off thy rosy lips ; at other times

Bearing the hue from off thy lovely cheek

To paint their home, the cloud-placed rainbow, with!

Jos. You seem to be acquainted well with these
Same tiny beings from another world.
'Tis only through the gate of midnight dreams,
Be it now known, that we may enter in
The fairy kingdom; so these compliments
Are fancies only, born within a dream.

God. Speak you of dreams, my lovely Josephine ?
Then Til tell you that has reality

Stamped on its face. You know I've loved you long ;-
Deny it not with those hard frowns ; and yet
E'en they do well become thy gentle face ;
I've loved thee long and well, and now I ask
A greater boon than all that hand of thine !
No answer now ? Ah ! in thy eye I see
The hard word "No" look forth ; Oh! banish it
From that sweet place, where heretofore
Kind smiles alone a dwelling had !

Jos. Perhaps it was not there ; or, if it was,
'Tis banished.

MR. GESEIGN'S TRAGEDY. 125

In answering thus, it may have seemed that I

Have been too soon in so surrendering

My hand to thee ; if so, this my excuse
God. You give excuse P No, no, 'twere better far

To crush the silly laws ! Oh ! now is all

My happiness complete !
Jos. And in the centre of this happiness

I'm forced to tear myself away from you !

But blessings rest

Within the thought we soon shall meet again !
God. Oh ! go not yet ; the hour is not yet late !
Jos. Nay, but the moon is sinking o'er the hill ;

See how her poor, wan face looks thin and pale.

I wonder hath she lost some one of those

Her myriad, star-browed children, that

She weeps while she majestically moves

Through night's blue heaven ?
God. If she is weeping, then I'll pity her ;

For, while I feel the sweetness of thy love,

I cannot think but all the world is sad !
Jos. The tide of night hath nearly reached the top ;

Now must I tear myself away from thee !

These hours were stolen from underneath the eyes

Of my aunt, who does harshly watch my conduct.
God. Oh ! not yet, Josephine ! the stars

That mark the minute places in the sky

Have not been three times rounded by the hand

Of stillness, that doth mark the hour of night !
Jos. Were I to mark the hours upon this clock,

The morning light would guide me to my home.
God. The hours of time have shorter grown of late.
Jos. Oh ! Godfrey, would that I might yet remain !

But in this world is still a cruel fate,

And I must tear myself away from thee !

Good-bye, my love, good-bye !

\Exit JOSEPHINE, R.
God. Gone ! And is she gone ? Oh ! evening breeze

Bear these my blessings after her.

\Exit GODFREY, L.

"How's that?" asked Mr. Geseign, looking toward
Mr. Oldbiegb.

" Natchral, Tommy/' said Mr. Oldbiegh, smiling. " I
couldn't a-made love no better myself! "

126 MR. GESEIGN'S TRAGEDY.

"Life," said Mr. Geseign, "I have pictured fleeting
life. Here it is : "

Mrs. Ard. How swiftly Time, upon unwearied wing,

Is ever fleeing back into the past ;

The monster Future slowly creeps on toward us,

While that poor sparrow, Time, affrighted flies

Into the Past, that prison cage, which, closed,

There's none so strong can ever open it.

It seems but yesterday that Lily, here,

Gave up her hand to her young, loving husband ;

And then seemed Josephine but still a child,

That now is turned into a full-grown woman.
Ard. Life's but a breath, borne off by meanest winds ;

Or word, that writ upon the ocean's shore,

The waves will wash away,

A fleeting thing, that sleeps and wakes and dies ;

A dream that is dreamed and is over ! [Exeunt.

" It's natchral, Tommy," said Mr. Oldbiegh. " You
hardly see a man's legs appearing, as he comes down
into the world, before you see him disappearing, as he
goes up out of it ! You're right, thar."

"Here's a description," said Mr. Geseign, warming
up under the praise of his friend, "of a fellow who
got left by a woman."

"Whop her out," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

Mr. Geseign read :

SCENE II. A bedroom in a hotel in New York. A door L. 2
E., through which enter BLACKWELL and MRS. STONE. A door
R. C., which opens into a room behind the first. R. 2 E., a win
dow with curtains hanging on either side.

Black. Thy niece looks colder on me every hour !

Mrs. Sto. Ha! is it so ? and hath

Thy love not prospered ?
Black. Prospered ? I'd sooner woo the porcupine

Than woo thy niece ; for when I moved near her,

She shot her scornful glances,

MR. GESEIGN'S TRAGEDY. 127

As swift as flames from out a mitrailleuse,

And when I called her " rose," she called me " villain !"

Then, when I spoke of love, she said my tongue

Had stained that word, so that she ne'er again

Could stand and hear it uttered, patiently !

I then sent out my thoughts o'er all creation

A-wandering to gather pretty names,

Which, garnished with sweet accent, I did call her ;

But, all the while, she stamped with her small foot,

Nor would she lend attention to my speech.

Mrs. Sto. And, like a craven, you gave up the fight!
Oh ! that I were a man but for an hour,
Then I'd make such a wooing for these maidens
As they have never dreamed of heretofore.
Not with a mournful look would I gaze at them
But with a glance that reached their very souls,
And they did tremble till their knees waged war
With one another !

For every soft and silly sigh they gave
I'd give a curse that so would frighten Love
That, trembling, he would hide behind their tears !
But come, poor coward, at thy work again ;
I'll be at hand to give thee my protection,
If you are vanquished for a second time.
I'll go call Josephine, and bring her here,
That you may woo, and then I'll slip behind
This hanging curtain, there to note your progress. [Exit.

Black. Were I now one of these warm-hearted fools,

This Josephine I'd call a flower, and send up tears

To weep in my two eyes, for she, unlike the oak,

Has no protection 'gainst the howling storms.

Td harp upon her child-like innocence,

And then, perchance, some burning tears of mine

Would warm the heart, till I did grow so soft

I'd love the little birds, and fear to crush

A creeping worm!

But should I marry her, at first she'd weep,

And pale her face would grow ; but then we cannot

Forever look upon the blushing rose ;

At times 'tis best to see the cold-faced lily.

" That 'ar's good, too, Tommy ; it's natchral. What
a darned galoot that 'ar' Blackwell was, anyhow ! But
that Mrs. Stone warn't the woman to fool with ! I'll

128 MR. GESEIGN'S TRAGEDY.

just bet she was a two-forty widdyer; warn't she,
Tommy?"

"She was quite," said Mr. Geseign.

"I'd a swore to her identity as a widdyer," said Mr.
Oldbiegh.

" Here's another passage," said Mr. Geseign :

Oath. You'd hear my tale ? 'tis not a pretty tale,
Of how a lover woo'd, and prospered ;
But how he woo'd, and how, with cruelty,
He crushed the rose when broken from the stem!
I had a home once, like those ye may see
When, hungrily, you wander Christmas nights,
From the cold streets, to see the happy faces
That pass the windows flit with looks of joy.
Once my face, too, did through a window shino
Lit by the soul's soft light, the light of happiness :
That home is gone, for on a fated night
I did present mis hand to one who ne'er
Laid aught of value on the gift I gave ;
But ever grew to hate me more and more ;
I know not why I never did know why ;
But oft I noticed when his face was turned
From me away, and bore a smile upon it,
That smile swift vanished if he looked toward me,
And angry hate sprang quickly to his eyes !
And then, at times, he'd strike me in the face,
And laugh to see the darkened spot come there !
One night he took me to a gloomy street,
And pierced me with a chilly-bladed dagger !
Nay, but when he did think the breath was gone,
He called me back, and wept so piteously,
That though my mouth could not, my heart forgave him.

Jos. Forgive the man, that, in his cruelty,

Did stab thee with a chilly-bladed dagger?

Caih. Aye, for my love was such a love that it
Did call a thousand small excuses up,
That plead for him with words so filled with music
That they did claim my frowning soul, that judged
Until it gave the sentence of forgiveness !

Jos. And where is he, thy cruel husband, now ?

Caih. My ear has grown a-weary, waiting long

MR. GESEIGN'S TRAGEDY. 129

To have some bird-like message light on it,

To whisper to me of his whereabouts.

Oh ! I do fear that we will never, never meet again !
Jos. How strong is woman's love ; Oh ! God, how freezing

Is grown this dark night's wind ; in listening to

Thy sorrows, had I e'en forgot the wind.

[/Storm increases.
Cath. I know a place that lends far better shelter

Than this one does ; then come and let us thither ;

We'll lie together, and may both keep warm

"I'd a-liked to have caught the husband of that 'ar'
pretty little gal ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh ; " and if ever I
do run across him, I'll wring his neck till his gizzard's
busted, darned ef I don't ! " and Mr. Oldbiegh arose
and shook his fist. " What the pretty critters will
go and throw themselves away for on such darned
varmin is more than I can make out! Why don't
they take a white man first, even if he is as ugly as a
mud fence?"

" How's this?" said Mr. Geseign:

SCENE IV. New York State. Open country, mountains sur
rounding.

Enter CATHARINE and JOSEPHINE, who stop by a stream.
Cath. Come, let us rest here on this mossy bank ;

This long day's walk hath made my limbs grow weary.
Jos. A pretty spot is this. Methinks that here

The busy bee must spend his holidays ;

The humming-bird, that drinks from flower-made cups

The ant, that does build up his mighty cities,

Come here to rest. And then, perchance, they feast :

For tables having a white lily's leaf,

For napkins white rose leaves, and for their plates

The golden buttercups.

Cath. A broken sunbeam for their knives and forks.
Jos. Aye, that was well ; and for their food the bee

Would fetch his honey.

And when the dinner was removed, they'd have

A silver cloud, brought from the sky above,

To dance upon.

130 MR. GESEIGN'S TRAGEDY.

Cath. And for a sky they'd have

A maiden dream of love, to hang overhead.
Jos. A pretty way is this to bid the hours

That are unwelcome to depart from us.

This silver cloud you'd have them dance upon

Brings back to mind the falling clouds of snow

When first we met ; thank God that I do now

Feel its cold chill but in imagination :

Sweet Catharine, do you recall the hour?
Cath. Ah, well do I, and two conflicting feelings,

Like night and day, do meet in memory ;

The one the bright one tells me then I met thee.

The other, dark, does tell me of the storm.

And as the night is but a shadow of the day,

So is the suff ' ring of that dreary hour

A shadow only to the joy of thee !
Jos. Sweet friend, I thank thee ; would that all my thanks

Did bear a thousand blessings on their backs :

We have been friends in dark misfortune's hour,

Let us be friends forever.
Cath. Though we have

No other food, we'll live on that till death.
Jos. Last night I dreamed of those far off at home

At home, said I? I never had a home

Of that far land, upon the Western shore,

Of which I told thee.
Cath. Nay, you did not tell me,

Except that once you had a few friends there ;

But tell me now, while we are resting here,

About those friends.

[Enter GODFREY and a DETECTIVE.
Jos. But who are these, that come with eagerness

Peering out through their eyes. What ! can it be ?
Cath. Who?

God. Now are you found at last, my heart's sweet treasure !
Jos. Found, found, found !
God. Aye, found, my darling, after searching long

And wearily for you.
Jos. Now is the odor of life's flowers of joy

Borne to me by the breath of happiness

Oh, 'tis too sweet to be a thing of earth !

This happiness is far too sweet for earth !

Some envious thing will soon be creeping in

To murder it.
Qod. Oh, that I had a pen, the which could write

The roffc's breath, the drooping lily's hue ;

CAPTAIN GKUNYON. 131

Then would I place, 'mid breath of flowers that die

Upon the lonely prairie, while awaiting

For the return of its long absent mate ;

Or birds that wept out songs of melody,

And in a prison died ; the tales of these

Sweet moments.
Jos. Now let me make known to thee, Godfrey

My only friend, except yourself, on earth.
God. As thou hast been the friend of Josephine,

I know that thou art gentle, loving, kind,

And I do covet back the years now gone

In which I might have known thee.
Cath. And all joy,

That ye have felt at meeting, have I shared

With you. And now may Time, with each year, reap

A harvest of his greatest blessings for you

F.arewell ! [starts to go.~\
Jos. Nay, but you shall not go !

You have

Been sister to me in adversity,

By your own wish ; and now, by my command,

You shall be sister in prosperity.

God. There, Josephine did speak my thought for me.
Jos. Then let us quickly to the Sunset State.

Mr. Geseign looked up when he had finished the
above, and noticing the fact that his companion was
asleep, he ceased to make extracts from his play, and
with the sigh of a neglected genius took it back to his
room and tossed it carelessly into a wooden box at the
foot of his bed.

CHAPTER IV.

CAPTAIN GKUNYON.

A FTER depositing his MS. in the box at the foot of
J\. his bed, as was said in the last chapter, Mr. Geseign
went down into the large kitchen in the back part of

132 CAPTAIN GRUNYON.

the hotel and on the first floor thereof. In this room a
number of persons in white aprons were at work ; they
wore white caps, and over the large range stood several
such persons superintending the cooking. The steam
from the stew in several large brass pots on the stove
was rising into the air and mingling with the odor of
fresh carrots, which arose from a table in a corner,
where a man was cutting them in a wooden vessel with
a chopping-knife. With this musical weapon he played
a number of entertaining tunes, amongst them "Yan
kee Doodle " on the bottom of the vessel.

"Where's Becky? "asked Mr. Geseign, addressing
this personage.

" Hey ? " said the man, stopping in the middle of a
sentimental tune.

"No," said Mr. Geseign, "it is hardly hay but
Becky."

" Hanging clothes in the yard," said the man, going
on with his work.

As it was about an hour before he would have to go
to the Oakland boat, to attend to the passengers who
came from the East on the afternoon train, Mr. Geseign
strolled down the stairway which led from the kitchen
to the little back yard of the Golden Chariot Hotel.
Here he found Becky, with her dress pinned up, and by
her side a large basket of white clothes, which she was
hanging out upon the lines, which ran across the yard,
while in her mouth she held a couple of clothes-pins.
Mr. Geseign, with gallantly worthy of his blooded
ancestors, proceeded to assist her to hang out the
clothes. After ordering him to desist several times,

CAPTAIN GRUNYON. 133

she at last yielded ; and while she took one end of the
piece, he took the other end. Several pieces had been
hung out in this manner, when a great misfortune hap
pened to Mr. Geseign. He dropped one end of an
unusually large piece of linen. Considering discretion
the better part of valor, under the circumstances, Mr.
Geseign took to his heels, but not before she had struck
him over the head several times with a heavy bathing
towel, and when he started up the back stairway, with
the straw portion of a broom she hit him over the head
several times before he reached the top.

Mr., Geseign next loitered into the reading-room,
where he sat down at a table and took up an illustrated
paper, and in a few moments his whole mind was ab
sorbed in contemplating the features of a murderous
barber, in light checked pants ; it was the picture of a
man on the scaffold, with crape over his eyes, who was
in the act of singing a dolorous Methodist hymn during
his last moments, but who seemed by the expression on
his face to find it quite difficult to sing to his own full
satisfaction, because of the choking sensation produced
by the disagreeable noose already around his neck.
Mr. Geseign was just in the act of examining the pic
ture of a gorilla, which was carrying off a child it
had taken from its cradle, while the mother was seen
in the distance running after the gorilla, with her
hands in the air, when his attention was attracted by a
stout Frenchman, who was sitting near one of the win
dows. This person at the same moment arose and
came over and sat beside Mr. Geseign.

"I have seen," said Mr. Geseign, looking at him for

134 CAPTAIN GRUNYON.

some moments, "your benevolent countenance
before."

" You have," said the gentleman of French origin ;
"you have seen me about the police court."

Mr. Geseign nodded.

" I saw you with a stout man with a white vest on,
who was arrested and charged with felony."

" Did you ? and I saw you," said Mr. Geseign.

" He's a friend of yours ? "

"I've known him four days," said Mr. Geseign.

"It don't make no difference. How's he off for
cash ? " asked the other.

"Off for cash?" said Mr. Geseign, winking at the
Frenchman with his left eye. "He's off off like a
shot for cash. Where do you want him to go?
He'll go for cash."

" No, no ! " said the other. " Has he got money ? "

"A wagon load," said Mr. Geseign, looking curi
ously at the Frenchman.

"A beautiful little pile," said the Frenchman.

" Make your eyes water," said Mr. Geseign."

" I suppose," said his companion, " you'd like to go
in for the pickings ? "

" No," said Mr. Geseign. " In the safe deposit I
have three vaults filled with diamonds. I crave
nothing more."

"But," said the other, "he'll want a lawyer?"

" Yes," said Mr. Geseign.

"Well, then, I'll tell you just what I'll do," said the
man of French descent. " I'll make you a square offer."

CAPTAIN GRUNYON. 135

" Oh ! thanks you overpower me ! " said Mr.
Geseign.

"I'm working for the law firm of Turlbridge and
Monkey," said the Frenchman. " Now, if you'll get
your friend to employ them as his lawyers, I get a third
interest in the fee, and I'll go halves with you."

" You take me by surprise," said Mr. Geseign.
"Will you give me one day to consider?"

" Certainly," said the other.

"Thank you," said Mr. Geseign ; "your kindness
I will nevah no, nevah, forget."

" All right," said the Frenchman, as they shook hands
heartily arid parted.

Mr. Geseign next went down the steps of the Golden
Chariot and walked leisurely along Washington street
to the Oakland boat. On the boat he met on the lower
deck Mr. Barium, Sr., Sammy Barium, the "cheeky
phenomenon," arid a number of the " Convivials."
They talked over the late meeting of the club until
they had crossed the bay, and until the people who had
arrived on the Overland train from the Eastern States
were on the boat. They then formed in line, Mr.
Geseign being at the head of it Master Barium, Jr.,
assuming the next place, a stout runner the next, Mr.
Barium, Sr., the next, several tall and cheeky persons
the next, and a very stout and cheeky runner at the
end of the line, who swung his hands as he followed
the others, and blew his nose violently between his
fingers semi-occasionally. With the gilt letters spelling
the names of the hotels which they represented on their
hatbands glittering in the sunlight, they went solemnly

136 CAPTAIN GRUNTON.

up the stairway which led to the upper deck of the
steamer. Keeping no time, as they walked, but each
one assuming that step which pleased him most, they
wandered around the line of seats on the deck in Indian
file, each calling out the name of the hotel he repre
sented ; and every few moments one would fall sud
denly out of the line to pounce upon a victim.
" Golden Char-riot ! " sang out Mr. Geseign, in his most
melodious tone of voice, "Danube Ho-o-otel ! " sang
out Sammy Barium, Jr., as he seized upon a little Ger
man from the Vaterland. " Internay-shun-al ! " sang
out another. "Lick 'us'!" cried the next man, in a
saucy tone. " Cos-s-s-s-mopolitan ! " cried still another,
in a hoarse voice. Mr. Thomas Geseign now opened
the cabin door and the company marched into the large
saloon, the stout man at the tail end swinging his arms
so violently that he struck his fist against the brass
lock of the door as he went in. While passing the red
plush seats surrounding the white smoke stack, Mr.
Geseign was suddenly stopped by a peculiar looking
person who held a hickory cane across the aisle. Mr.
Geseign looked at the man inquisitively. " Take a
seat beside me," said that person, glancing at the letters
on Mr. Geseign's hat.

Mr. Geseign gazed carefully at this person. He had
a long, cadaverous countenance, sunken cheeks, shaggy
eyebrows, a large nose and a sallow complexion. He
wore a fur cap which, as it had a low crown, made his
face look longer still. The cane which he held in his
hand was a heavy one. Lying by his side was a cir
cular cloak with a blue lining. His legs were crossed,

CAPTAIN GRUNYON. 137

and the top leg, below the knee, was of wood. His
vest was white, except where there were upon it yellow
stains of tobacco juice. A neat gold chain hung from
his vest pocket.

"You represent the Golden Chariot?" said this
person.

" Yes," said Mr. Geseign.

"Shake, sir," said the other, holding out a lean,
yellow hand.

"I shall with pleasure and pride," said Mr.
Geseign.

" My name," said the other, gruffly, " is Captain
Grunyon. My leg was shot off."

44 How are you, Captain ? " said Mr. Geseign, shaking
his hand again.

" I went into the war with the Forty-fourth Tennes
see," said the Captain, "with two whole legs. I
weighed one hundred and fifty pounds. When I came
out and took an inventory and found I was one leg
short, as you see, I weighed one hundred and sixty. I
leave you to explain it. Your name, young man, is "

" Geseign," said that individual.

44 Geseign ? " said the Captain ; " well, Geseign, I'm
looking for a young fellow named Oldbiegh, who, I
believe, is stopping at the Golden Chariot. Do you
know him, Geseign ? "

44 Like myself and better," said Mr. Geseign.

"Very good," said the Captain, in a gruff tone.
44 Junius Oldbiegh ? "

44 Junius Oldbiegh," said Mr. Geseign.

44 The little imp ! " said the Captain, smiling, as if

138 CAPTAIN GRUNYON.

recalling something in the past, " what an outrageous,
mischievous, villainous and everlasting monkey he
used to be ! Thunder and lightning ! how the little
villain used to rob orchards ! It seemed like sleight-
of-hand ! Why, sir, he was an outrageous parody upon
the good Sunday-school scholar, and I was his everlast
ing bosom friend and companion in all youthful mis
chief. Ah ! we were a couple of birds ! "

Mr. Geseign looked at his companion in prolonged
astonishment. " You were boys," said he, at last,
"and boys genuine boys are birds."

The Captain had with him a consumptive-looking
little dog, with sunken, sore eyes. This animal was
curled up on his circular cloak. The dog was so thin
it could hardly walk, and its coat of hair was of a
dirty yellow color. Noticing the fact that Mr. Geseign
was looking at the dog curiously, the Captain said :

" The most wretched and unhappy dog in existence,
at this moment, on the face of the globe. He never
smiles. He's such a sickly, unhappy and wretched
little skunk that other dogs won't notice him. He's
nothing more than a sickly collection of rheumatic
bones, wrapped up in a tissue hide, with hollow eyes ;
and yet the loathsome little beast has taken a liking to
me, and being lame in his fore leg, as I am in mine,
he hobbles after my lame leg in a way that touches my
heart; and as all the members of his own race have
deserted him, I'm blest if I don't share my last dollar
with him!"

" Is he good for say to catch rats ? " said Mr.
Geseign.

CAPTAIN GRUNYON. 139

"It may be owing to his present state of health, but
I have not discovered that he is good for one solitary
thing in the whole world," said the Captain. " He
does not possess one redeeming trait. He is so infi
nitely good for nothing that for the very lack of redeem
ing qualities this little beast is the most remarkable
dog that I ever saw."

By this time the boat had landed, and following
after the crowd of passengers they soon were pass
ing by a number of persons who incessantly cried,
" Wh'ants a hack? "and this crowd was interspersed
with talkative persons who cried, "depress wagon!"
and with one individual who tried to seize the Cap
tain's cloak, and another who wanted to carry his dog.
The din of their voices was deafening.

"Which cars do we take?" asked the Captain.

" We'll go up in the hotel wagon," said Mr. Geseign.

They soon reached a large coach painted yellow,
with a little iron railing around the roof, and on the
side was painted the words, " Golden Chariot," and
underneath the words was the picture of a. golden
chariot which was being drawn by six bay horses on a
dead run.

The Captain hobbled up the back steps into the
coach, and Mr. Geseign lifted the whining cur, which
was making vain attempts to get up the steps, in after
him. Mr. Geseign then climbed rapidly up to the seat
in front, took the reins, shoved the brake loose with
his right foot, and away they drove.

" Show the gentleman to thirty-three to Mr. Old-

140 CAPTAIN GRUNYON.

biegh's room," said Mr. Geseign to a waiter, when the
coach drew up in front of the Golden Chariot.

" Mr. Oldbiegh has just gone up to his room," said
the waiter ; " this way, sir."

The Captain threw his cloak over his shoulder, and
with the dog under his arm followed the waiter up to
Mr. Oldbiegh's apartment. The waiter knocked at the
door and left the Captain standing there with the dog
under his arm. Mr. Oldbiegh opened the door and
looked at his visitor. The Captain with a gloomy look
stood immovable as a sentinel at his post. As Mr.
Oldbiegh continued to gaze at him, a look of recogni
tion gradually overspread his features ; and, at last,
with a smile over his whole face, he stepped suddenly
forward and took the Captain, dog and all, in his arms.

" Why, it's my old schoolmate, Jack Grunyon, arter
all ! " said he, his great blue eyes beaming with pleas
ure. The two continued to embrace each other so
heartily that the sickly dog, being between them,
yelped loudly in self-defense. The two old friends had
a long talk over old times, and when Mr. Geseign
came up-stairs, he found them with their arms around
each other's backs, walking up and down the hall, the
Captain's wooden leg making a thumping noise and
the dog, with it's fore leg in the air, limping at his
heels. The features of both the gentlemen were beam
ing with happiness. As Mr. Geseign came up, the
idea struck Mr. Oldbiegh that his companion might be
tired, so he invited him into his room, where they sat
down. Mr. Geseign was asked if they couldn't have
dinner in Mr. Oldbiegh's room, and he promised to see

CAPTAIX GRUNYON. 141

the landlord and have the arrangements made, and was
invited to be present himself. Mr. Geseign then went
away and left the two companions alone together.

" Did you notice that ? ar' young man ? " said Mr.
Oldbiegh.

"I did," said the Captain.

" Did you notice anything peculiar or extraordinary
about him ? " asked Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Well," said the Captain, " he has a queer way of
speaking, and his tone of voice is most peculiar."

"Did you notice anything else?" said Mr. Oldbiegh.

14 No, I don't know as I did, '"said the Captain.

" That 'ar' young man," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " who is
the smartest young man in America, and writes reg'-
lar tragedies, is a Lord, a reg'lar snob, and full blue,
blood, and he's the best natured young fellow in town,
for a Lord; and he aren't ashamed to work for his
living like a white man, though he are a Lord."

"What Lord? which Lord? whose Lord?" asked
the Captain.

" A snob Lord," said Mr. Oldbiegh, "a reg'lar thor
oughbred blue blood, descended from William the
Conqueror, a chap who fought like forty fiends when
he once got turned loose, a reg'lar blooded terror ! "

" Speaking of fighting," said the Captain, changing
the subject, "do you remember our last fight at
school?"

" Well," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " I guess I do, for a man
don't forget a good whoppin' and the way I got whop
ped ! haw ! haw ! "

"No," said the Captain, "I was whipped."

142 CAPTAIN GRUNYON.

" No, you warn't," said Mr. Oldbiegh ; " I was the
one that was whopped."

" Blast it, no ! " said the Captain, "you whipped me."

"No," said Mr. Oldbiegh, with a good-natured smile
all over his broad features, "you just etarnally lar
ruped and whopped me."

"Blast it! "said the Captain, again, "no, you are
fearfully mistaken; you punched my nose flat, so flat
with the face that it did not begin to protrude for a
week afterwards. I was so sore, Oldbiegh, that I did
not dare to sit down for a month, and the first time I
tried it I yelled like an Indian, and I was so weak that
I felt as limp as a wet dish-cloth. You swept the play
ground with me like a whirlwind ; and when recollec
tion came back at three o'clock the next day, I was
lying in bed at home cursing like a young fiend because
I had hunted in vain to find one bone which did not
seem to be broken. Blast it ! I'll take my oath that
you whipped me ! "

" Well," said Mr. Oldbiegh, who had watched the
earnest gesticulations of the Captain and the expres
sions on his face, "I'll just be etarnally bobbed, darned
ef I don't!"

" Certainly," said the Captain, "if you like. But I
was most beautifully punished and intensely whipped.
Why, Oldbiegh, I was the most despicable looking
little wretch, the most hideous looking little brute, a
wretched looking little monstrosity for months after.
I can recall the expression of a hyena that beamed on
my little countenance in those days for months after
that whipping, blast it ! "

CAPTAIN GRUNYON. 143

At this moment a waiter came in and pulled out a
table, which sat between the two windows, into the
centre of the room, and took the red cover off and
put a white cover on. He went out and soon returned
with forks, knives, plates and glasses. In a little
while the table was set and a little later, when a bottle
of red claret was on the board, and a dish of broiled
chickens, with heavy, delicious gravy, dinner was ready.

"Call Tommy," said Mr. Oldbiegh, to the waiter;
" do you know where he is ? "

" He is down in the trunk room, helping Becky,
sir."

" Tell him to come up," said Mr. Oldbiegh. " Now,"
said he, when the waiter was gone, " now, Jack, you'll
see the smartest and most wonderful man in the State
of California. If he only had coin, there's no telling
what he wouldn't be. Nobody could guess."

Mr. Geseign entered and the Captain surveyed him
carefully from under his shaggy eyebrows.

" Well, Junius," said the Captain, as he filled first
Mr. Olclbiegh's glass, then Mr. Geseign's, and then his
own to the brim with claret," I've come to carry you
back home with me to my ranch, and when I get you
there, there you'll stay, so you can just pack up every
thing you've got and pay your hotel bill to date."

" I'm afraid I can't go now," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

"That won't do," said the Captain. "As soon as I
saw your name in the paper, I threw my wooden leg
over my horse, took my canine friend under my arm,
threw my cloak over my shoulder, and while I kicked
my horse with my wooden leg, I flew like a witch on a

144 CAPTAIN GRUNYON.

broomstick to the nearest station, took the cars, and
here I am ; and you shan't refuse me. No, certainly,
blast it ! "

"But," said Mr. Oldbiegh, "I may be detained."

" Pshaw ! " said the Captain, " throw business aside.
You are not a villainous jail-bird to be held upon com
pulsion ! "

Mr. Oldbiegh lost his color and did not speak for a
moment. At last he recovered, and his sterling hon
esty induced him to look the Captain steadily in the
face, as he said: "Mr. Grunyon "

" Captain," said the other, correcting him.

" Captain Grunyon," said Mr. Oldbiegh, looking at
him sternly, "I'm that 'ar'. I'm a darned jail-bird !"

" Blast it ! " said the Captain, striking the floor with
his wooden leg, as he picked up a chicken wing, " I
say you are not ! "

"Bnt," said Mr. Oldbiegh, "Captain Grunyon, I am
arrested at this moment, and I'm in the most awful fix
ever a white man got into yet. I'll be just etarnally
bobbed ef I aren't ! " and the perspiration began to
run out of his forehead at the very idea of the fix he
was in.

" Blast it ! " said the Captain, as he thumped the floor
again with his wooden leg, " I say you are not ! You're
not a jail-bird," and then he continued to nibble at his
chicken wing.

"Tommy," said Mr. Oldbiegh, "aren't I arrested
along of a two-forty widdyer ? "

"Never mind," said the Captain, waving his hand,
" I know the circumstances. You were trapped by a

CAPTAIN GRUNYON. 145

venomous and toothless old night hawk. I met a few
of the birds in my youth.'*

"Did yon see," said Mr. Geseign, speaking to Mr.

Oldbiegh, "the youthful Adonis -sitting in the office

to-day? Ladedah coat Ladedah hat Ladedah vest

Ladedah shoes Adonis Ladedah Ladedah crea*

chaw? oh! Ladedah ( "

" 1 think I did," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" His career is queer," said Mr. Geseign, " quite
curious and very romantic. He went to college and
drank beer for an education. He was hazed hazed
others himself, and studied little. He met in San
Francisco a lady. The Captain describes her. He
loved her fiercely. He bought her candy a pair
of gloves. Took her to the theatre. His expenses
grew heavy. His father was a parson. He wrote to
him for money to buy boots ! A week later for
money to buy shirts. Later for money to pay
pew rent. His father in church took up a collec
tion. Late i took up another. More boots more
collection. The young man's lady must have a seal
skincoat. More boots more collection. The vestry
grumble. The congregation is furious. The young
man keeps calling for boots. The church is mort
gaged is sold. The young man calls for boots once
again. No response no echo of boots! The lady
forgets him loves another. She marries a mil
lionaire. Young man feels degraded and crazy.
Becomes a sneak thief. Effects of love. Beautiful
story by Thomas Geseign. I have more ready. Any
thing supplied on short notice from the grandest
9

146 CAPTAIN G RUN YON.

tragedy to sidesplitting comedy by Thomas Ge-
seign ! "

u Well," said the Captain, without noticing Mr.
Geseign, " cairt you get this case put off? "

"It was put off for two weeks to-day," said Mr.
Geseign .

"Is that so?" said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" The solemn truth," said Mr. Geseign.

" Well," said the Captain, "you'll go now?"

Mr. Oldbiegh promised to go. It was therefore
arranged that they would go the next morning, but not
on the earliest train, as the Captain wanted to purchase
some hunting-jackets, to get some guns which were
being repaired, to buy some fishing-tackle, and to go
and get a wonderful dog which a friend had promised
to present to him. In order to make some purchases
for his wife, he got up and left Mr. Oldbiegh, promis
ing to be. back by eight p. M. Looking at his large
silver watch, Mr. Oldbiegh said : " You'll hardly have
time."

" Yes, I will," said the Captain, glancing at his
wooden leg. "I can stump along like a moving whirl
wind on it. There's a tack in the end, and wherever I
go, I leave such an impression in the sidewalk that
people think top time is in again. By the way," said
the Captain, still lingering, " I was not a one-legged
creature when you knew me last. I left it on the bat
tle field where I suppose it is a whitened, grinning
skeleton of a leg now. But we'll talk of the war when
we get out to the ranch." And he hobbled through
the door.

CAPTAIN GRUNYON. 147

44 Tommy," said Mr. Oidbiegh, clasping his legs, as
he sat in his chair and gazed at that gentleman, who
sat opposite to him, with his chair tilted back against
the wall, 4t Tommy, how'd you like to go into my ser
vice? I beg your pardon, Tommy, I don't mean go
into my service, but how'd you like to go round with
me and be with me and have your expenses paid. You
see, the fact of the matter is I've got money, and I see
day after day the sharks are arter me, especially the
females, and when a man is in such a fix he better look
sharp, and I aren't got the knowledge to look arter it ;
so I want somebody to act as a kind of President of
the corporation ; and as ther' aren't nothing at all that
you haven't seen and don't know, you are the man."

"You flatter me when you mention-^-my acquire
ments. You make me too utterly utter in the
ways of wisdom. Call me Solomon Solomon Ge-
seign and make me blush ! But really you are-
mistaken. In this cruel city I am : but an insignifi
cant feather blown on the wind."

44 No, you aren't, Tommy," said Mr. Oidbiegh ; 44 so
don't be modest."

44 Oh ! allow me but once more the sweet privi
lege ! Modesty think of it! Bashfulness, its twin
sister! Oh! don't prevent me! I will be modest.
Oh ! don't prevent me I must be bashful! You wish
me to live on your money and do nothing in
return. Kind and generous friend ! You are kind
overkind, but I cannot no, nevah! "

44 Why, Tommy ? " said Mr. Oidbiegh, 4i aren't your
services worth more than I'd pay for them? Don't I

148 CAPTAIN GRUNYON.

need some one to go along with me what's had expe
rience? Aren't this here logical argument? "

" Have you ever before had such a companion ? '
" No," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " and I aren't run with
snobs before neither ; and if I talked the wrong lan
guage to a lot of miners, or in a Chinese wash-house,
or done the wrong thing what wasn't fashionable, it
didn't set everybody by the ears, as it does the snobs.
I'm told if you eat with your knife, or do anything
unfashionable, every darned snob keeps a chattering
about it; and they all keep chattering about it, like a
set of darned monkeys, for six months to come. Now,
Tommy, I want some one who's had experience to keep
along with me, and tip me a wink at the right moment
and prevent me from shooting off my mouth unfash-
ionably ; and from- your experience, I'd rather have
you than any other man. If you don't agree, I'll ad
vertise in the personal column of the papers and take
the first galoot who shows up."

After talking over the matter, at length it was agreed
that Mr. Geseign was to throw up his present employ
ment and act as Mr. Oldbiegh's travelling companion,
for Mr. Oldbiegh had made up his mind to travel to
the places of summer resort after his visit to Captain
Grunyon, in case the criminal prosecution against him
terminated favorably.

A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS. 149

CHAPTER V.

A TOUK WITH MAJOR HAWKINS.

A T the moment that a distant bell struck eight, the
.LlL Captain's wooden leg was heard thumping along
the hall. Mr. Oldbiegh opened the door, shook hands
witk him again, and then they both took seats by the
window. Mr. Oldbiegh produced a green pasteboard
box from a shelf over the washstand, and handed it to
the Captain. It was filled with Durham tobacco, and
on top of the tobacco rested a couple of pipes.

" I've got my pipe with me," said the Captain, taking
out of the inside pocket of his coat an immense meer
schaum, carved into the shape of a stout mermaid.
The manner in which the pipe was colored showed that
it had been used many years. The pipes in the box
were large and of the brier root variety. Mr. Oldbiegh
filled one of these. "During the war," said the Cap
tain, lighting a match and holding it near his pipe until
it went out, while lie continued to talk, u the hardest
trouble we had was to get chewing tobacco." He
lighted several more matches, which -also went out,
while he was talking. " You ought to have seen me,
after my first campaign, when I returned to my native
village," said he. " My cap was without a visor, and
the seams were ripped. I wore a blue overcoat with
two brass buttons on it, and one tail gone ; and there
was nothing under the coat but my body. One of the
legs of my pantaloons was gone below the knee, so I
tied it with a piece of string, and drew the leg of my

150 A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS.

boot over it. On the other foot I wore a shoe which
had a piece of white cord for a shoe-string. My beard
was long and ray hair hung over my face ; I was the
most abominable, hideous and infamous looking scare
crow that dared to insult the sunlight with his pres
ence. The birds, taking me for a scarecrow in reality,
flew in flocks before me wherever I went. The chil
dren screamed with terror."

44 I was reading in the newspaper to-day," said Mr.
Oldbiegh, "that the child is the father of the man, and
after studying it out, I'm darned ef he aren't."

" I think the remark is true," said the Captain, blow
ing a cloud of smoke above him ; " and, furthermore,"
in a philosophical tone, " the child is the father, in the
same sense of every other being."

44 The child," said the familiar voice of Mr. Geseign,
who had just opened the door and was still standing
with his hand on the knob, " the child is the family
indicator. He is the family thermometer. By the
small boy you will know -the father. By the child
you will anticipate the mother. If the small boy
swears so does the father. If the mother calls her
husband a fool-r so will the child. If the family
possess a secret the child will relate it. By their
fruits ye shall know them. A freak of nature. I
have here some tickets to the minstrels. The dark
creachaws are good quite so. You and the Captain
had better go and enjoy it while you are young.
Oh! youth! youth!"

44 Won't you go along?" asked Mr. Oldbiegh.

"I cannot," said Mr. Geseign ; "other important
affairs will absorb my attention," and he departed.

A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS. 151

" Well," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " suppose we go."

" Certainly," said the Captain. " I'm intensely fond
of minstrels ; suppose we jog ? "

"It's just about time," said Mr. Oldbiegh, dragging
his watch out of his pocket and looking long and
steadily at its face.

"Where shall we leave this venomous bulldog?"
said the Captain, glancing down at the ickly cur,
which was licking his only boot.

" We might leave him here," said Mr. Oldbiegh, "but
I'm afraid he'd wake the whole hotel with his yelping."

"No," said his companion. "The little brute hasn't
got sufficient constitution to yelp. She will sleep 'till
we return."

" Oh ! it's a she, is it ? " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

They left the dog in the room, locked the door and
went down to the street. Kearney street was bril
liantly lighted, and a crowd of people was ever moving
in either direction- along the sidewalks. A band of
music was playing in front of the Bella Union ; and as
th#y had a few minutes to spare, the Captain suggested
that they should take seats in the bootblack stand>
which was situated near where the band was playing.
Two Indian boys, with red shirts on their backs, one
of whom wore a black leather belt around his waist,
on which was painted in white letters the word "Cham
pion," commenced polishing their three shoes. In a
little while the one boot of the Captain was shining
like a mirror, and the boy who polished it spent the
additional time in brushing the Captain's clothes and
las wooden leg.

152 A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS.

They had crossed California street, when the Cap
tain looked around to see where the music came from
that he heard. He discovered, as soon as the noise of
the cable road ceased, that it came from a little bal
cony above the door of the Adelphi Theatre. Mr.
Oldbiegh asked the Captain what theatre it was. The
Captain replied that it was the Adelphi.

" Why not go to that 'ar' theatre instead of Emer
son's?"

"I'll show you," said the Captain, " if you'll walk
this way," and he limped up to the door where a
picture of a female most scantily dressed was discov
ered, who, while she stood on one foot, held the other
high in the air. This picture was visible by the assist
ance of the gaslight which blazed in a large globe
over the door. "I have never been inside," said the
Captain, "but my old friend Hawkins, who served
with me in the Forty -fourth Tennessee, has been, and
if his description of the way the women dance the
(van-can is true to nature, the show must be simply
monstrous ! " ^

"Well," said Mr. Oldbiegh, thoughtfully, "if we
could only get a chance to see the show, without being-
seen ; it's worth a man's while to see it, for the knowl
edge of human nature it gives him."

" Certainly," said the Captain, " it's the best show
in town for the purpose of seeing human nature. The
knowledge of human nature gained there, sir, is of
inestimable value, and the benefits derived incalcu
lable. If we could only get my friend Hawkins along.,

A TOUK WITH MAJOR HAWKINS. 153

the old soldier would point out to us all the sights ;
about town ! "

" Why not get him ? " said Mr. Oldbiegh. " What's'
to bender?"

" By the way," said the Captain, u now I think of it,,
it's only three blocks from here to his house. But
then it's almost impossible to communicate with him,,
lor whenever I come to town, whicli is usually about
three times a year, Jack and I generally get on the
most terrific sprees together, and, as a consequence,
his wife hates me like a dose of poison, and of late,
when I've called for Jack, he has always been reported
away from home by his better-half, who, when she sees
me stumping toward the house, puts him in a closet
and keeps him under lock and key until I'm gone, for
he's the most outrageously hen-pecked and cur-like crea
ture on the face of the globe. He has the most miser
able, wretched, sneaking, mean and unmanly expression
on his visage when in the presence of that woman ;
and yet he's as bold a soldier as ever faced the belch
ing flames from a row of columbiads."

" Couldn't you just call for him at the door, without
going in. You could send the servant to tell him to
come out ! "

" There are two objections," said the Captain. " In
the first place, the servants all know me like a book,
and they have orders to report my presence at head
quarters immediately upon my arrival; so that would
kill the whole scheme in its inception. In the second
place, Mrs. Hawkins is monstrously jealous; and if
jealousy made people green, she would be .as green as

154 A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS.

a gourd and die of colic. For this reason she watches
Jack with the eyes of a detective. It has come to such
a pass that the man can't move until she has summoned
the servants to watch him."

" Well, I'll be etarnally bobbed . " said Mr. Oldbiegh,
u what a thing it is to be married, arter all ! "

"Oh! it isn't that way in every case," said the Cap
tain, thinking of himself. "I have a family of ten or
fifteen, and I rule them with a rod of iron. But about
Hawkins. Let me see, I remember; yes, yes, I did
get a letter; and he said in it he was having a rope
ladder made by which he could slip out of his library
window. That's so! He must have it in working
order by this time. You see, Junius, he and I have
been corresponding on this subject. His wife wants
hirn to write up the history of her family for his
mother-in-law's golden wedding, which comes off some
time next month. I told him in my last letter to
claim, that he couldn't write, if there was any danger
of disturbance; since then he's been drawing carica
tures of his wife's relations in the library with the
door locked ; and when he does slip out at night, he
leaves the gas burning, and this throws her off his
track. Now, it's just possible he's in the library, and
if one of us was to take a stick -and tap on the win
dow, we might entice him out. What do you say to
the scheme? "

u As you say," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

Ck Well," said the Captain, " we'll take a drink and
proceed to the attack."

They went into a neighboring saloon and each took

A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS. 155

his favorite potation. They then started for the house
occupied by the Captain's friend. This house was sit
uated on the slope of Nob Hill, and a stone wall served
as a fence and kept the earth from sliding. They went
to the side entrance on a little alley which ran off from
the main street. This alley was rather dark and the
Captain had some trouble in finding the brass knob of
the gate, and when he did find it he discovered the
fact that the gate was locked. After discussing the
situation at some length, Mr. Oldbiegh, remembering
that his companion was lame, offered to climb the wall
at the lowest point, and, following the Captain's direc
tions, go to the library window and rap upon its sur
face, and, when the Captain's friend appeared, explain
to him the object of his visit.

Accordingly, he scrambled over the wall with much
difficulty, the Captain pushing him in the back with
his cane by way of assistance. After getting up,
Mr. Oldbiegh looked back and said: "I'm all here.
What's the directions?"

"About six feet to your left as you face me," said
Captain Grunyon, "you'll see a gravel walk. Follow
that and you'll find yourself all snug at the back of the
house. The first window from the corner is the library
window and the point of attack."

"All right," sa'id Mr. Oldbiegh, and after walking a
few feet over 'the lawn he was on the gravel walk.
Following this, he was soon behind the house.

With his thumbs in the arm-holes of his ves-t, Mr.
Oldbiegh surveyed the back of the mansion long and
carefully. Now, it so happened that, instead of thers

156 A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS.

being only one corner to the back of the house, there
were two; and instead of one window there were a
couple, one next to each corner. Each of the windows
was lighted up. That farthest from the street was the
largest, but, as Mr. Oldbiegh understood the matter, lie
was to tap at the smaller of the two windows. Now,
in this Mr. Oldbiegh was wrong, for the Captain had
meant the larger of the two windows. In fact, he had
forgotten that there was a smaller window, for the
apartment which had this window in it had, until
within a few days past, been used as a store-room, but
upon the arrival of a new servant it had been cleaned
out and given to her for her use. She was a thin,
jaundiced person, with a large red head and sunken
dark eyes. While Mr. Oldbiegh was standing with his
fingers in his vest, gazing at the back part of the house,
through the darkness, this interesting maiden was sit
ting in a chair in her room, by the washstand, staring
abstractedly at the wall in front of Ifer, and with a
dreamy look on her face she awaited the tap on the
window of her adored, for he had promised at the hour
of nine to tap. Mr. Oldbiegh had, in the meantime,
with great difficulty, succeeded in getting up on the
top of a small barrel ; and after standing there a mo
ment, he tapped on the pane of glass. The red-headed
woman, with a timid and retiring movement of her head,
arose modestly and bashfully and went to the window.
She threw open the casement and, like another Juliet,
gazed out upon the night. It was a dark, still night;
nothing was heard but the sigh of a zephyr and, perhaps,
the sigh of a distant cat. Looking down below the

A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS. 157

casement, she saw the top of Mr. Oldbiegh's head and
the dim outline of his portly figure. Now, as the per
son she was expecting was a butcher of portly carnage
and dignified appearance, she was happy

"Are you there ? " she asked.

Mr. Oldbiegh, although somewhat surprised at being
addressed, answered that he was. He did not dare
to look up, for the reason that the barrel on which he
stood was somewhat -shaky, and for the further reason
that an ugly dog was at that moment carefully investi
gating the calves of his legs, and playfully licking them,
perhaps to ascertain their flavor.

" Do you know Captain Grunyon ? " asked Mr. Old
biegh, in a gruff whisper.

" I have heard of him," was the whispered reply.

Mr. Oldbiegh thought he discovered something pecu
liar about the tone of voice of the supposed gentleman
overhead.

" Captain Grunyon is waiting outside," said Mr.
Oldbiegh.

" He is ? What for? " asked the female.

" He wants you to come and go on a spree with us
and have a little time. "

" The baste he is ! " said the voice up above, by which
Mr. Oldbiegh carne to the conclusion that the Captain's
friend was one of those humorous persons of Irish de
scent with whom America abounds.

" Say ? " said the voice.

" What?" said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" What a toime we'll have whin we get married.
We'll have a foine toime, won't we? "

158 A TOTTH WITH MAJOR HAWKINS.

Mr. Oldbiegh opened his eyes in astonishment at
first, but thought ho had misunderstood the remarks of
the supposed gentleman.

There were several moments of silence, during
which the dog continued the investigation of his
calves. Mr-. Oldbiegh, in consequence, felt very un
comfortable.

"Are you there?" asked the voice overhead.

"I am," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

There were several moments of quiet again, during
which the dog, having apparently become satisfied
with the investigation of the right leg, had transferred
its attention to the left.

u Fm quite happy up here ; indade, I feel very pac-
able like," said the voice above ; " are you happy down
t hay re, John ? "

Mr. Oldbiegh began to think that something was
certainly wrong, and in his uneasiness he moved his
right foot. The dog uttered a low, grating growl.

u ls the darg thayre?" asked the voice.

" It are," said Mr. Oldbiegh, in an unsatisfied tone.
Several moments of silence again on the part of all
three, during which the dog continued to carefully in
vestigate. Mr. Oldbiegh was growing exceedingly
weary from the constrained position in which he was
standing. " This is awful ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh, speak
ing to himself, as he gazed down at the outline of the
dog.

" Will you love me this way arl the toime ? " asked
the person at the window.

A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS. 159

There could be no mistake now. Those touching
words 'settled the whole matter. Mr. OMbiegh heard
distinctly what was said, and a complete realization of
his situation flashed upon his mind. He had made a
mistake ; he was standing on a rickety barrel, with a
female above him perhaps a widow, and a bull dog
below him, both ready to pounce upon him at the
slightest provocation ! It was dreadful ! He looked
about for some way of escape, but when he gazed to
the right, the bull dog for such it proved to be
sidled round to the right. He then looked to the left,
and the bull dog, with a low, hoarse growl, waddled
around to the left.

It was a fearful position ! The perspiration rolled
from Mr. Oldbiegh's brow. He drew his red-bordered
silk handkerchief from his coat tail and wiped his fore
head, whereat the dog was dissatisfied again.

"Say, John," said the voice up above, tenderly,
u how do you feel?"

" Uncomfortable, darned ef I don't," said Mr. Old-
biegh, wiping his forehead once more. u I'll just be
etarnally bobbed, ef I aren't ! " and in his nervousness
he wiped his perspiring forehead so vigorously that
one foot went through the head of the barrel, and he
fell on his back, and the bull dog was upon him. When
he arose three teeth were hooked in his coat tail.

" Oh ! Lord ! " was Mr. Oldbiegh's exclamation when
he arose, and when he arose he arose running.

" Oh ! John ! John ! John ! " shrieked his late com
panion. " Are you dead, John? Are you dead ? "

Another window in the upper story was thrown up

160 A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS.

with a bang by the watchful Mrs. Hawkins, and she
began to shout at the top of her lungs: "Thieves!
thieves ! Stop thief! stop thief! " But Mr. Oldbiegh
was not in a position to stop for any purpose. Even
his natural gallantry would not induce him to pause
to reply. The cries of Mrs. Hawkins of "Stop thief! "
mingled charmingly with the shouts of "Are you dead,
John ?" of the woman in the room below. Noticing
the yells of "Stop thief!" for the first time, the red
headed female shouted indignantly: "He's no thief,
mum ! It's my John ! My own John ! He would
steal nothing ! "

By this time Mr. Oldbiegh was over the fence, with
the dog still clinging to his coat-tail. The Captain,
with great boldness, came forward and struck the dog
a crack on the head with his heavy hickory cane,
which stunned the brute. "Now," said the Captain,
" we must run, for the police will be upon us in a
moment!" And considering his wooden leg, he suc
ceeded in hobbling down the alley with wonderful
rapidity. They soon turned into another street and
before long were safe from pursuit. Where they went
after that is unknown to the writer ; but this much is
certain, they did not go to the theatre.

The next morning found them taking breakfast at
Campi's on Clay street. The fact that their eyes were
red showed they had liquor during the night, and a
considerable quantity of it. As they went into the
first saloon they saw after leaving the restaurant, it
was evident they were going to keep up the good time.

A TOtTR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS. 161

They were very affectionate and like a couple of
brothers.

Three o'clock found them attempting to work their
way aboard the boat for Oakland, with tickets for San
Rafael in their hands. After arguing with the gate
keeper for twenty minutes, the boat went off and left
them, and they had to wait for the next one. The
Captain swore all the oaths with which the army is
familiar, and especially those peculiar to the Forty-
fourth Tennessee; and, while he attempted to balance
himself, said that if they did not go on those tickets
he would not go at all. And his wife and family
would not have the pleasure of seeing his countenance
again in Oakland, unless he went oy those tickets.
Mr. Oldbiegh, however, was less obstinate, so he went
and purchased the proper tickets.

When they got off the boat and boarded the cars,
the Captain induced Mr. Oldbiegh to get on the rear
platform with him. The platform was quite crowded.
Mr. Oldbiegh and the Captain were standing together,
the Captain leaning with his back against the car door.
The Captain suddenly shouted in the ear of Mr. Old-
beigh, loud enough to be heard over the din and
racket : " He's a soldier ! "

" Who ? " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

My boy Jack," said the Captain.

k -I warn't aware he was in the army," shouted Mr.
Oldbiegh.

" He's not," said the Captain ; " he never saw an
army in his life ; but he's a soldier, every inch. He's
got all the qualities of a soldier. He tells the truth
10

162 A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS.

every time, and he dares to speak his mind. He's a
soldier." After these remarks, the Captain relapsed
into silence.

Both the Captain and Mr. Oldbiegh seemed to be
rather 'unsteady on , their legs. By the mariner in
which Mr. Oldbiegh gazed at a small boy, who sat on the
lowest of the steps, on the right side of the platform,
with his feet dangling in the air, it was evident that he
wanted the seat himself. Mr. Oldbiegh looked at the
boy with an expression of contemplation on his broad
features for some moments, and then, without saying a
word, he reached down, inserted his fingers in the back
of the boy's neck, grasped the collar of his coat firmly,
lifted him up and deposited him in a standing position
on the platform ; then, without noticing the boy, he
took the seat which had been thus declared vacant,
and allowed his own feet to dangle in the air. The
boy, with a stare of amazement on his youthful counte
nance, looked first at Mr. Oldbiegh and then into the
Captain's face, but the Captain's face wore a blank
expression.

Before the train stopped at the Point station, a man,
who was used to the practice of jumping off when the
cars are in motion, jumped off. Thinking that this
was the stopping place, and in order to prove that he
could do what any other man could, Mr. Oldbiegh also
jumped off while the cars were in motion. The result
was that instead of landing on his feet, as the other
man had done, Mr. Oldbiegh never found out where he
did land, but was conscious, after rolling through the
dust for some moments, of being stopped by a hitch-

A. TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS. 163

ing post. He was unhurt, except for a few bruises,
when he arose, and after looking around, to find where
he was, he saw the train, which had stopped, about
one hundred feet to his left, and the Captain waving
his stick and beckoning to him in a violent manner.
Mr. Oldbiegh, perceiving his mistake, started for the
train, but at the same instant the cars started. Mr.
Oldbiegh started after them on a dignified trot, but
soon saw he would have to drop all dignity of motion
in order to catch the train, as it was going faster and
faster. With his coat-tails flying and flapping in the
wind, Mr. Oldbiegh was soon moving over the ground
at a rate which would have done credit to an athlete.
Several of those facetious persons on the sidewalk,
who are always present on such occasions, called out :
" Go it, old man ! " One individual shouted : " Go it !
I'll bet fifty dollars on you, old nobs ! " Another cried :
" Keep it up, and you'll get there for breakfast ! " while
the Captain stumped around the platform, excitedly,
and shouted at the top of his lungs.

It was quite an interesting sight to note the manner
in which Mr. Oidbiegh held his wind and kept up the
race, encumbered as he was by the heavy stomach which
lie had to carry, the large calves of his legs, which con
stantly struck against each other, and the huge tails of
his coat, which caught much air, for he was running in
the teeth of a strong east wind. However, he at last
reached the hand which the Captain held out to him,
arid after much trouble scrambled up on the steps of
the car. His face was now of a fiery red color ; the
perspiration rolled from his forehead, and he was un-

164 A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS.

able to speak for many minutes, for he was puffing like
a grampus. After reaching Broadway station, the
Captain swore that the state of Mr. Oldbiegh's health
was such after his run that a drink of brandy alone
would cure him ; and the Captain then discoursed in
vivid language upon the beneficial effects of brandy
and gave a catalogue of the diseases which he knew of
his own knowledge could be cured by that liquid.
They went to the French restaurant on the corner of
Seventh and Broadway. The Captain told the propri
etor, who was standing behind the bar, that they
wanted a private room.

"This way, sare," said the proprietor, and he led
them through the kitchen to the back part of the
building. Here they found a row of rooms, in each of
which was a table and a brown cloth-covered lounge.
They went into one of these rooms. They left the
door open. In a few moments a bottle of claret was
placed on the table ; also two large loaves of French
bread, and two damp napkins, with red stripes running
through them.

"Well, gentlemen?" said the waiter, as he stood
with his hands on the table, leaning over it.

" Give us the most astonishing dinner ever produced
in your house ! " said the Captain ; " and if you have
got any frogs, trot them in."

i4 We have-e ze frog, sare," said the waiter.

" Trot them in then," said the Captain, as he threw
his cane on the lounge and lifted his wooden leg up on
a chair. At this moment a couple of beautiful hunt
ing dogs passed the door. The Captain, who was a

A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS. 165

great sportsman, jumped up and went out into the
passageway to examine them. Mr. Oldbiegh now
heard the Captain greeting some one heartily, and a
moment later he came back, dragging a gentleman,
with a short, bushy black moustache with him.

tfc Oldbiegh, my friend Hawkins, an escaped prisoner!"
said the Captain.

" Yes," said the Captain's friend, " the old lady went
off on an early morning train to see her mother, who is
lying at the point of death, and I've come out to have
a day of shooting with the old boy here. My wife has
a great antipathy to the Captain, and I don't like to
visit him when her mind's not engaged with other
affairs, for fear of hurting her feelings ; but, thank the
Lord, her mind's fully occupied now!"

At this juncture a man with a long, silken, black
beard passed the door, and went on to another room.
The Captain's wrath was aroused at once.

" There are just two creatures that I despise ! " said
he, ferociously. " The one is a beast, who can't sign
his own name so that it can be made out, and the other
is a hound with a long, silken beard ! "

The footsteps of the man in the hall ceased. He was
evidently listening. This made the Captain express
himself in a louder and more violent manner.

u The dogs wear it because they know women like
hair ; and many a girl has gone to the bad through a
silken beard. They are mad on the subject, absolutely
mad, sir ! A man with long hair on his mug is capable
of committing any atrocious act. The women go wild
over the hair. But that's a bad sign. It don't matter.

166 A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS.

Scrape the stuff from his face, and you always find
features underneath worthy of a convict, worthy of
the worst rogue in San Quentin."

The footsteps were heard to approach, and in a
moment the man was standing in the doorway.

"Were you referring to me?" he asked. The Cap
tain looked at him, his eyes peering sharply under his
shaggy eyebrows, but said nothing. The man asked
again if he had been referring to him.

" No, sir," said the Captain, sternly ; " I was referring
to the mop on your chin ! "

"Oh!" said the person in the door, "I understand
the situation. You are drunk, sir."

" What's that !" said the Captain, jumping up so sud
denly that he struck the table with his leg, and caused
every dish to clatter.

" You're drunk, sir," repeated the man in the door,
in a steady tone of voice.

The Captain attempted to hobble toward the door,
but Mr. Oldbiegh and the Captain's friend held him in
his seat.

"I am the editor of the Daily Advance" said the
man in the doorway, "and I intend to write you up
and have you on the first page of to-morrow's edition ! "

" Oldbiegh ! Hawkins ! Blast it ! Let me go ! "
shouted the Captain, as he struggled to get at the man.
But after making the last remark, the man had de
parted.

The editor of the Advance went at once to the man
at the bar in the front room, and quietly asked who
the persons were in the private room. The proprietor

A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS. 167

was about to answer when the violent ringing of the
bell of the apartment they occupied announced to him
the fact that they desired his immediate presence. He
started off rapidly, when the editor called him back
and told him that he must have the names. The man,
without reflecting, said:

" Captain Grunyon, Mr. Hawkins and I don't know
the other man's name/'

" It don't matter ; I heard his name. It's Oldbiegh,"
said the editor, as he departed.

When the proprietor reached the private room he
was ordered by the Captain not to let any more men
come into the back part of the house. "Or ladies?"
asked the proprietor.

" They can come unless my friend Oldbiegh is
opposed to it."

"Well," said Mr. Oldbiegh, "not unless it's a chalk-
face critter, with closed-up eyes. Ef she comes, I won't
see her on no account. Darned ef I do ! "

They were about through dinner and had lighted the
cognac in their saucers, or, rather, were attempting
to light it, preparatory to putting it into the little
cups of black coffee which were placed in front of them.
Mr. Oldbiegh could not succeed in getting his liquor
to burn. " Let me show you something," said the
Captain, and he took Mr. Oldbiegh's cup and poured
out part of the coffee. He then spread a napkin over
the top of the cup, and using the napkin as a sieve
poured the cognac through it into the cup until the cup
was filled. He took the napkin away and applied a
lighted match to the top of the cup. The liquor burned

168 A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS.

at once. "There," said the Captain, " that's the way
I do it!"

At this moment the dinner was interrupted by the
appearance of a very pretty young lady of about
twenty-one years of age at the door. She was dressed
in the costume of a widow.

u Hello, boys !" she said, greeting the company.

Mr. Oldbiegh looked at the Captain with an expres
sion of profound surprise on his face.

" Good day," said the Captain, gruffly.

" Are you going to come to our theatre to-night?"
asked the apparent widow. " The Melodeon ; it's on
the corner of Sixth and Broadway, up-stairs."

44 Perhaps we'll be there," was the reply. Thereupon
the pretty female vanished.

After smoking their cigars and drinking their black
coffee, the three friends started for the Melodeon. It
was arranged that Mr. Oldbiegh, he being a bachelor,
upon the harsh theory that bachelors have no reputa
tions to lose, should go ahead and get a private box.
His two companions would then pull their hats over
their eyes and hurry to the box, in order not to be seen
by any chance acquaintance. The Captain and Major
Hawkins for it turned out that the Captain's friend
was entitled to that rank went to a livery stable
while Mr. Oldbiegh was getting a box, and left the
dogs there in care of the owner of the stable with
whom the Captain was on intimate terms. When they
arrived in the neighborhood of the theatre again the
two gentlemen pulled their hats over their faces, know
ing well even though somewhat under the influence

A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS. 169

of liquor that if they were discovered, there would be
quite an interesting dialogue during the whole of some
night between themselves and their respective spouses.
The Captain and his friend had quite an extensive
argument as to the best method of making the charge
past the chance acquaintances who have been men
tioned. The Captain was for marching straight to the
front for some sixty feet, and then for making an
oblique movement for the door in double time. The
Major was for moving cautiously up to the door, and
then for going up the steps in double time. " Fall in ! "
said the Captain, peremptorily, at last, and he started
ahead with the Major close in his rear, and he carried
out his plan, as he thought, with success.

Now, we are sorry to be compelled to record the fact
that this beautiful martial movement in the end proved
a failure ; but it was a failure which was not owing to
any lack of knowledge of the rules of strategy on the
part of the Captain. Had the movement been executed
during the warlike times of the middle ages it would
have proved a complete success ; but in these degen
erate days the existence of the printing press calls for
the existence of the editor, and the existence of the
editor calls for that small boy who is porter, reporter,
and bill collector all in one. The enraged and ottt-
raged editor of the Advance was in possession of one
of these valuable boys, and in addition to the boy's
other duties, he imposed upon him that night the duty
of following Captain Grunyon and his companions
wherever they should go ; and he was ordered to make
a sly inspection of whatever they did, of what they

170 A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS.

said, and of how they acted. He was faithful in the
performance of his duties, and watched the three friends
keenly as they went into the Melodeon, whereupon this
knowing youth exaggerated his countenance into a
broad grin. He would have followed them in, but as
the financial condition of the Daily Advance was not
founded on the most solid basis, he had not been sup
plied with sufficient coin by his chief.

The assistant editor was therefore compelled to await
the reappearance of the three gentlemen on the street.
This he did with his hands in his breeches pockets, for
the purpose of keeping them warm ; and he kept off
melancholy thoughts, during the long .time that he
waited, by whistling the liveliest of the late popular
airs.

In the meantime Mr. Oldbiegh and his companions
were comfortably seated in a box with white walls,
with a window, over which hung red curtains. The
rumbling sound with which the reader has grown
familiar, was heard, constantly under Mr. Oldbiegh's
white waistcoat, and when the negro minstrels cracked
their ancient and dilapidated jokes, the *' haw ! haws L"
which he uttered were almost incessant. And when
some one in one of the front boxes entered into a vio
lent quarrel with the black middle man on the stage,
whereupon two men dressed in policemen's clothes
broke into the box, whereupon a pistol was shot off,
whereupon a man was thrown out of the box and onto
the -stage, Mr. Oldbiegh was greatly excited x ; but when
he discovered that this man was composed of rags, he

A TOUK WITH MAJOR HAWKINS. 171

was as greatly amused, and burst out into loud, good-
natured u haw ! haws ! "

" We can remember the whole scene as distinctly as
if it were yesterday!" says our muse, who was there.
We, the scribe, were not there. Mr. Oldbiegh's round
blue eyes beamed with good humor, while the tears
trickled down his nose and jumped one after another
to the floor.

By eleven o'clock the Captain and Mr. Oldbiegh
were quite tipsy, and the Major was gradually ap
proaching the same state. When in this condition the
brilliant idea struck the Captain that he would hire the
orchestra after tlie performance, and take them with
his friends out home, and let them serenade his wife
and family. Mr. Oldbiegh, by this time, being no
longer in a talkative mood, did not express himself in
regard to the probable success of the scheme, but the
Major, in broken sentences, attempted to dissuade him ;
this only made the Captain resolve more firmly to carry
out the idea. As soon as the performance was over,
the Captain, by liberal pay, induced the orchestra to go
with him out to his place. The whole company, con
sisting of the orchestra the members whereof bore
their instruments with them the Captain and his two
friends, went around to the stable where the dogs had
been left. The place was locked up, but after knock
ing on the door with his cane first, and afterwards with
his wooden leg, the Captain induced a sleepy indi
vidual, who appeared in his stocking feet, to open the
door. After further dressing himself, he obeyed the
Captain's command to harness up horses to his largest

172 A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS.

barouche. With a lantern in his hand, he went to the
back part of the stable and dragged out from a number
of vehicles a large barouche. It was soon harnessed
up, the dogs were thrown in, the musicians got in, and
the person who expected to drive the barouche came
forward.

" No," said the Captain, " I'll drive." The stable-
keeper looked as if this did not suit him, but said
nothing. "Come, Oldbiegh, you must sit up here on
the driver's seat, by my side," said the Captain. " Gee
long ! " cried he, and the horses started.

The light of the lantern falling on the outside pocket
of the Major's coat showed the yellow neck of a bottle
protruding therefrom. Had it fallen on the pocket of
the coat on the other side, it would have shown a simi
lar neck protruding from that pocket. Mr. Oldbiegh
was sitting with his hand clasped firmly to a little
silver-plated railing on the edge of the seat. His head
rested on his bosom, and his eyes were closed. He
soon startled his companions by suddenly shouting :
" Whop 'em up ! "

" All right," said the Captain ; " hand up that bottle
first, Jack."

The Captain, in order to take the bottle in both
hands, for he feared he would drop it if he took it in
one, placed the reins in Mr. Oidbiegh's clasp. After
turning one or two corners, they came to a street larger
than the rest. This road, which was about six miles
long, terminated where a fence crossed it, which bor
dered the Captain's land. After handing t|ie bottle
back, the Captain took the reins and soon whipped the

A TOTTfc WTTPI MAJOR HAWKINS. 173

horses into a gallop, whereat Mr. Oldbiegh seemed to
awake from his stupor and was greatly delighted, and
expressed his enthusiasm by shouting, " Whop 'em up ! "
which the Captain immediately proceeded to do. In
the meantime the bottle circulated rapidly amongst the
persons behind them, and by the time it was empty
they were all friendly, aifectiohate, and in a high state
of glee. This glee they expressed by singing divers
songs at the top of their lungs, each singing that por
tion of the song which pleased him best, all of which
greatly astonished the many persons in the houses all
along the road, who were awakened from sleep by the
music. In a little while the Major took a fiddle from
one of the fiddlers and standing up in the centre of the
jolting carriage proceeded to show the singing musi
cians how he played " The Arkansas Traveller." They
paid no attention to him, but he still continued to play.
As he invariably fell back into his seat in a sitting pos
ture by the time he had gotten two-thirds of the way
through, he would get up and play it all over, with the
set determination to play it continuously to the end
before he would quit.

The Captain tied the reins to the side of the carriage
preparatory to taking another drink. While he was
doing so the reins came loose and fell to the ground,
and the horses, becoming frightened, were soon tearing
along at the top of their speed. " Whop 'em up ! "
shouted Mr. Oldbiegh, awakening from his stupor again.
The musicians were fairly shrieking like demons by
this time, and the Major was sawing away on " The Ar
kansas Traveller " as if he were mad; while mingling

174 A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS.

with the other sounds and shrieks were the cries of
"Whop 'em up! whop 'em up!" from Mr. Oldbiegh.
They went over the last three miles in very short time,
as novelists say, "in less time than it takes to tell it,'"
when the horses finding a fence in front of them came
to a dead standstill.

"Now, boys," said the Captain, after the company
were on the ground, "I've brought you here all safe,
so fall in ! " After getting them in line, with the
Major on the right and Mr. Oldbiegh on the left, he
said : " Now, boys, before starting, brace up, because
you are going f to pass in review before the old lady, and
she's the most critical woman that walks. Brace up !
Left face ! "

The Major turned ninety degrees to the left, and the
others followed his example. "Forward, guide left!"
said the Captain, and he limped along near the head of
the moving column. As Mr. Oldbiegh's shins struck
constantly against the bass viol, which the musician in
front of him carried, he fell several feet in the rear.
Noticing this the Captain shouted. " Close up in the
rear ! " In a little while the sound of many feet was
heard on the front steps of the house. After trying to
insert his latch-key in the handle of the door-knob, the
Captain accidentally found the key-hole, opened the
door, and the company were soon standing in the dark
in a large hall, which ran through the centre of the
house. The Captain soon found his way into his wife's
room and struck a light.

"What is the meaning of all this?" asked his wife,
sternly.

A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS. 175

"Come 's-s'renade yer ! Come in, boys!" sung out
the Captain.

Before his wife had time to protest the musicians
were all in the room. The Captain formed them in
line at the foot of his wife's bed and ordered them to
play ! They played a piece through, entitled " Yankee
Doodle!"

" Play 4 Sweet Johannah,' " ordered the Captain,
waving his hand in a commanding manner.

" Take them out ! " said his wife, when they had
finished the piece.

Without noticing her order, the Captain, with another
wave of the hand, said in a commanding tone of voice,
44 Play 4 Pop Goes the Weasel.'" They played it.
When they were through, his wife repeated her com
mand that they should be taken out. Ignoring her
completely, the Captain again waved his hand and com
manded them to play " The Bull Frog on the Bank."
After this they were ordered to play " Swanee Ribber,"
and finally, they wound up with " We Won't go Home
till Morning." When they had finished, the Captain
commanded " About face!" The Major turned com
pletely around, and the others gradually followed his
example. u Forward march ! " said the Captain.
They marched forward till opposite the door, when he
called, " Halt ! " They stopped. " Salute ! " said the
Captain. The Major saluted. "Left face! Forward
march ! " The company faced to the left and moved
forward, Mr. Oldbiegh bringing up the rear, and they
were soon out of the apartment.

The Captain took the musicians to the large dining-

176 A TOTTR WITH MA.1OH HAWKINS.

room, the floor whereof the gaslight showed to be com
posed of smooth hard wood, waxed find polished. The
walls of the room for about four feet up from the floor
were composed of oak pannels. Against one of the
'walls sat Ji mahogany sideboard, and a number of silver
vessels on it shone brightly in the gaslight. A long
dining-table was in the centre of the room, and an
eight-day clock on the wall showed the time to be past
three o'clock A. M. The Captain went into another
room to look for some food, but, owing to the unsteady
condition of his legs, was unsuccessful in his attempts
to light the gas. He called the company into the room
where he was, and ordered them to try and light the
gas, remarking at the same time that he believed the
gas-burner must have been taken away, as he could not
find it. Several persons attempted to light the gas,
and after some unsuccessful attempts one individual
succeeded. The lighted gas showed them to be in a
large and extremely neat kitchen. The pine boards of
the floor had been scrubbed until they were almost as
white as snow, and the tops of one or two tables were
as white. The tin and brass utensils about the room
gleamed like mirrors. Pushing the wire door of a
cupboard open with his cane, the Captain discovered
several dishes with cold chicken on them. He ordered
the musicians to "fall to." This they did in a manner
that spread such devastation over the cold chicken
that when they got through nothing was left but a
number of shining bones. The musicians then went
out and got into the carriage, the Captain accompany
ing them to the gate, and drove back to town.

AFTER THE EDITOR. 177

CHAPTER VI.

AFTER THE EDITOR.

THE next morning Mr. Oldbiegh, who was an early
riser, got up just as the sun was beginning to peer
over the hills, put on his clothes, and went down to the
front porch. Passing the hat-rack in the hall, he saw
some six or seven large-brimmed hats on the pegs.
Removing one of them he saw painted beneath the
peg, in white letters, the name "Jack." Removing
another from another peg, he saw another boy's name
painted beneath the peg; and on further examination,
he found under each peg a boy's name. At the time
he was unable to solve this mystery, but he learned
afterwards from the Captain that these were the names
of his boys, and that he compelled each boy to place
his own hat on his own peg. "This serves two pur
poses," said the Captain, when explaining the phi
losophy of the device. " In the first place it prevents
the whole house fiom being called upon to hunt for the
boy's hat every time he wants to go out doors. In the
second place it impresses upon the mind of the young
vagabond habits of order."

Going out on the porch Mr. Oldbiegh found several

large lounging chairs, upon the seat of one of which

was lying a green-backed novel, evidently left there by

some person the day before. Not far from the chairs

178 AFTER THE EDITOR.

hung a couple of hammocks. Standing with his
thumbs in the arm-holes of his vest, and with a good-
natured smile on his face, the portly figure of Mr. Old-
biegh, with the sunlight falling on it, presented quite a
sight to see, quite a striking picture as he gazed upon
the surrounding scenery. An inventory of the scene
may be taken in the following manner: In the first
place, there was Mr. Oldbiegh himself, fully as large as
life, with his huge watch ticking merrily in his white
waistcoat pocket, the. green tops of his button shoes, as
green as the grass of the smooth lawn to the right,
and to the left was the scenery. In the second place
there was a large oak tree near the corner of the house,
to his right ; and as the first beams of the morning sun
coming through the green leaves of the tree had awak
ened the birds that were perched in the branches, they
were singing merrily. In the next place, beyond the
lawn in front of Mr. Oldbiegh, was a hayfield covered
with yellow stubble, and in this field a number of young
colts were gamboling, for the apparent purpose of ob
taining exercise ; and beyond this field were the blue
mountains. To the left were large orchards, and
beyond them grazing land ; back of the house, high
hills covered with thick brushwood.

Mr. Oldbiegh had hardly finished noting the many
points of beauty around him, when a merry laugh was
heard in the hallway, and in a moment a number of
pretty girls came tripping out on the porch, and were
about to go down the steps to the lawn when they dis
covered Mr. Oldbiegh. Upon looking at them Mr.
Oldbiegh saw that the prettiest of the party had on a

AFTER THE EDITOR. 179

felt hat, which he recognized as his own. Another had
on the Captain's fur cap, and still a third wore a cap
which Mr. Oldbiegh could have sworn he had seen on
the Major's head the day before. The young ladies
were somewhat abashed, for they supposed the Cap
tain's friends would all have been in bed and as silent
as tombstones, considering the hour at which they had
arrived the night before.

"Bless my heart! " said Mr. Oldbiegh, noticing their
embarrassment. "Don't be afeared of me. I'm old
Junyers Oldbiegh, and I came out with my old friend,
the Captain, last night, just to see you ! "

"Is this Mr. Oldbiegh, my father's old schoolmate?"
said a dark-eyed young lady, with animation.

" Well, I guess you're about right thar', haw ! haw ! "
said Mr. Oldbiegh, " or I aren't made the acquaintance
of myself during the last forty year! No, I aren't!"
The young lady walked up and shook hands with. Mr.
Oldbiegh. " Haw ! haw ! " laughed he, after he had
kissed her rosy cheek.

" This is Lucy, my sister," said the young lady,
introducing another girl.

" Haw ! haw ! " uttered Mr. Oldbiegh, as he kissed
her also.

" This is my sister Mary," said the young lady,
introducing another sister.

Mr. Oldbiegh kissed her, too, after which he made
the same exclamation.

"This is Miss Nettie Smith, my schoolmate," said
she, introducing the pretty young lady who wore Mr.
Oldbiegh's hat.

180 AFTER THE EDITOR.

" Haw ! haw ! " laughed Mr. Oldbiegh, attempting
to kiss her ; she held her head away and struggled,
but he kissed her also. He then kissed each of the
remaining young ladies, one of whom was named
Mamie Deane and the other Maud Glennon.

" Thar' ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh, when he had kissed
the last of the young ladies. " The best day's work
I've done in forty year ! "

" You're a horrid old man ! " said the young lady
who had been introduced as Miss Smith.

Mr. Oldbiegh smiled, but said nothing for a few
moments.

" That 'ar's the most harnsome hat I ever wore,"
said he, at last, looking steadily at the hat on the
young lady's head.

" Is this your hat ? " she exclaimed, in a tone of mock
anger.

" It 'ar'," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" I won't wear the horrid hat ! " said the young lady,
jerking it off.

"I will w'ar it," said Mr. Oldbiegh, "in remem
brance of the harnsome young lady what wore it also."
Mr. Oldbiegh then stepped into the hallway and took
from the rack another hat, which he handed to the
young lady ; but now she was as obstinate in the other
direction, and would wear no hat but Mr. Oldbiegh's.
The young ladies informed him that they had been on
their way to the croquet grounds, when they first
came out of the house ; so they invited him to come
with them and take part in the game. Mr. Oldbiegh
went with them, and was soon engaged in making as

AFTER THE EDITOR. 181

many mistakes as any one man has capacity to make,
shooting always for the wrong wicket, and out of his
turn, while he was constantly getting his feet tangled
np with the wickets. At all of this the young ladies
laughed heartily, and Mr. Oldbiegh more heartily than
any of them. After one or two games the young
ladies became tired, and one of them who had laugh
ing blue eyes, which Mr. Oldbiegh admired greatly,
went off and got a rose which she put in his button
hole ; and then another got a rose which she put in
the buttonhole on the other side of his coat, and then
the others got roses with which they filled all the other
buttonholes of his coat. It was quite an interesting
sight to see Mr. Oldbiegh standing in the centre of a
bevy of rosy-faced girls, an embodiment of a stout
maypole, beaming with smiles and decorated with
roses !

It was in this picturesque condition that the Captain
found him.

" Hello, Junius ! " shouted the Captain from the
porch, "have you turned yourself into a perambula
ting conservatory ? "

At this moment Major Hawkins came out on the
porch and the young ladies, who all knew him, went
to greet him. After a few moments, Miss Smith said :
" I did not know, Major, that you were a musician,"
while she cast a sly glance at the other young ladies.

" That's strange, Nettie," said the Major ; " knowing
me as well as you do, you ought to have known of my
musical acquirements." There was something in the

182 AFTER THE EDTTOE.

Major's manner which prevented the young lady from
saying anything further.

A couple of gentlemen now came out on the porch.

" Good morning, sir ! Good morning ! " said the
Captain, greeting the first gentleman heartily; after
which he greeted the other in a manner equally warm.
" Oldbiegh, Hawkins," continued he, "attention! Let
me introduce to you Mr. Judson C. Muggs, a rising
young poet, and Reginald Quagg, the pastor of our
fold and a scientist."

Mr. Muggs was a curious looking individual, with
thick, long hair, which, as it rested on' the back part of
his collar, kept that portion of his clothing in a greasy
condition at all times. This collar was a large turn
down collar, and around it he wore a red scarf, tied in
a huge bow under his chin. His jacket, which was of
brown velvet, had large lappels, and in the buttonholes
of one of the lappels he wore a rose which he himself
had plucked the night before, previous to retiring.
His pantaloons, which were of brown corduroy, had a
very loud and unpoetical corduroy odor. His long-toed
shoes had heavy steel buckles on them. Mr. Quagg
was a stout, heavy-set, small man, with an immense red
head. His little black frock coat, which had a number
of grease spots on it, had very short tails. His panta
loons were so short that they only reached to the tops
of his short, broad-toed shoes. The legs of the panta
loons were white and threadbare at the ankles, on the
inside, for the ankles of Mr. Quagg " interfered," as a
horseman would say, when he walked.

The ringing of a bell now informed the company

AFTER THE KDITOR. 183

that breakfast was reacty. They went into a large
dining-room. It was noticeable that after the guests
were notified what seats they were to take, the whole
lower half of the table was unoccupied. This was
explained in a moment, when a sound was heard like
that of approaching infantry, and a line of boys came
marching into the room and commencing at the first
chair fell one after another into their seats, until the
seats were all filled.

" My cubs," said the Captain, speaking to Mr. Old-
biegh, who sat on. his right. "I'm proud of them.
They're as orderly as the members of the Forty-fourth
Tennessee."

After the breakfast, the Captain, by what he called
a flank movement, succeeded in getting Mr. Oldbiegh
and the Major in his private library, without being
noticed by the other guests. After- getting them into
the room, which he used as a smoking-room, he apolo
gized for not bringing the other gentlemen in, but said
he knew they liked the company of the ladies best.
The Captain then brought out of a drawer in the
bookcase some extra fine Havanas, and in a short time
the three gentlemen were puffing the smoke into the
air at such a rate that the atmosphere was darkened.
They were enjoying their cigars intensely when Mrs.
Grunyon walked into the room with a newspaper in
her hand. Her face was flushed and there was an
expression of scorn and anger about her mouth. She
was a tall lady, with harsh, stern features, and was
dressed in clothes which were so black that they fairly-
shone with blackness.

184 AFTER THE EDITOR.

" Captain ! " said the lady, sternly.

" Madam ! " said the Captain.

" Take your feet out of the cushioned chair, sir !"
Mrs. Grunyon had everything kept in the neatest order
about the house, and the Captain, who required order
in others, was constantly breaking the rules himself.

" Certainly," said the Captain, taking his feet down.

" Captain," said the lady sternly again, " have you
seen the horrible article in this paper?"

" No," said the Captain ; " what is it a monstrous
murder?"

" Read it," said Mrs. Grunyon. The Captain took
the paper, which was the Daily Advance, and started
to read the article to himself.

" Read it aloud," said his wife.

"Certainly!" said the Captain, " I'll read the arti
cle!" Putting on his spectacles, he started to read as
follows : " At five o'clock yesterday "

" No," interrupted his wife, " read the heading first."

The Captain looked long and steadily at the head
ing, and finally read as follows :

"THREE HOODLUMS!

THE TOWN INFESTED BY ROUGHS !
THEIR DISGRACEFUL PROCEEDINGS!"

The Captain stopped, took off his spectacles, and
gazed under his shaggy eyebrows first at the Major and
then at Mr. Oldbiegh. After a short pause, he said to
the Major : " Did you hear of these reprobates when
you were in town yesterday ? "

AFTER THE EDITOR. 185

"Never mind!" said his wife, sternly; "read on;
their names are given further along."

Without saying a word in response, the Captain
read on as follows: " * At five o'clock yesterday the
notice of the local reporter of the Advance was first
called to the fact that three roughs had just arrived in
town, all in a beastly state of intoxication.' " The Cap
tain looked over his spectacles at his friends.

" Go on," said his wife, firmly.

The Captain read : " ' We understand that the ap
pearance of the three companions was such, when they
got off the train, that to bystanders they appeared to
have been on one of those prolonged sprees common
to this unhappy element.' "

The Captain peered over his glasses at his com
panions.

" Read on," said his wife.

" 4 They immediately became the sport and amuse
ment of sundry small boys, who persistently followed
them through the streets, casting chips, mud, and other
small missiles at them. The roughs next went into a
restaurant, where with loud and violent language they
proceeded to insult every decent and respectable per
son present.' "

The Captain's wrath, which had been gradually
rising, could be restrained no longer. "The infamous,
conscienceless, monstrous liar ! " cried he. " Why, sir !
this monstrous this fiendish liar, would outlie Satan,
give him a head start, and double discount him I "

"Are you ready to continue?" asked his wife, in the
same stern tone.

186 AFTER THE EDITOR.

" Certainly ! I'll read the article ! " said the Captain,
and he read on : " 4 The eyes of all three were bloodshot
and their faces had that peculiar white look so common
to persons who are confirmed drunkards, or who have
been on prolonged sprees.' " The Captain again peered
over his glasses at Mr. Oldbiegh in an inquiring man
ner, but, without making any comment, proceeded as
follows : " 4 We have called them all roughs. We
have done this advisedly. Since commencing to write
this article we have been informed that one of the
persons (Grunyon by name,) is of Irish descent and
has a small farm in the country somewhere, where we
are informed he is supposed to make an honest living
by patiently standing at the door of his house in his
shirt-sleeves, watching the growth to maturity of a
couple of hogs, which with his children are his sole
possessions unless we mention his poultry, consisting
of one lame rooster. If this be true and he does earn
an honest living, he should not play the despicable
role which he assumed with such success yesterday.

" 4 One of his companions, who has the aristocratic
name of the house of Hawkins ! we have been informed
is the owner of a grocery store in San Francisco, and
our informant is ready to swear he sells liquor there
without a license ; what is left, our readers will under
stand, after he has himself guzzled with his mouth to
the faucet of the keg ! We know nothing in regard
to the creature by the name of Oldbiegh, except that
he has generally been looked upon as a person of
suspicious character.

44 ' In the scenes which followed we will say, in justice

AFTER THE EDITOR. 187

to this last creature and the creature Hawkins, that
these two creatures seemed to be led by the creature
Grunyon, who was the arch fiend.' " The Captain
glanced up from the paper at his wife, but there was
such an expression of scorn, contempt and anger on
her face that he immediately looked back at the paper
and continued to read : " 4 In the evening these three
antiquated hoodlums visited one of the lowest dives
on the Pacific Coast, and their actions there were of
such a character that even the people who habitually
attend the performances were astonished. After leav
ing this place track was lost of them, but we have no
doubt that their three countenances can be seen peer
ing eagerly through the bars of the city prison this
morning ; that is, if they are sober enough to stand
on their legs.' " Here the article ended, and the Cap
tain laid his spectacles down on the table.

"Well," said the lady, after a moment's pause, "it
would seem, Captain, that you have been successful in
making yourself astonishingly prominent. Every per
son in Oakland has in all probability read of your
antics. And you, Major Hawkins, you will have a
pretty explanation to make of your actions when you
get home. Captain," continued Mrs. Grunyon, with
compressed lips, "have you anything to say?"

" Yes, madam, I have a good deal to say. Something
important to say. I shall horsewhip that vile dog until
I have taken the hair off I When I leave him he'll be
as blue as washing blue ; and there won't be a white
spot on his entire body ! I'll teach him to set me up
in type ! I'll teach the scribbling fiend a trick or two !

188 AFTER THE EDITOR.

Hawkins ! Oldbiegh ! " said the Captain, " walk out
side. I want to talk to you on private business. Mrs.
Grunyon, you must excuse us."

" Are you going to hunt up the editor ? " said Mrs.
Grunyon.

" Never mind, madam," said the Captain ; " did you
not hear me say the business was to be private ?" Mrs.
Grunyon left the room.

"Now," said the Captain, "we must proceed at once
to thrash the cur. The honor of a soldier demands it.
Come, let us proceed at once ! "

The Captain, followed by Mr. Oldbiegh and the
Major, started for the stable, a building with white
washed walls, about two hundred yards from the house.
When they got there, the stable men had mysteriously
disappeared. There was no one to harness up the
carriage.

" Mrs. Grunyon has sent the men off. I'll harness
up myself. Here, Frank ! " said the Captain to one of
his boys who was standing near, and was in a high state
of glee at the prospect of a battle, " go get my cavalry
tactics; it's on the what-not, in the corner, in the
library."

The boy started off on a run, and soon came back
with the book. The Captain was about to harness up
the buggy according to the rules of tactics, when he
discovered that the harness was hidden away.

" This is monstrous ! " said he. " Do you ride on
horseback, Oldbiegh ? "

" I don't know about that 'ar'," said Mr. Oldbiegh.
" If the horse aren't wild."

AFTER THE EDITOR. 189

"Well, we'll try it," said the Captain.

Now another trouble arose, the bridles were gone.
The Captain, however, after stumping around excitedly,
at last found some old bridles, which his wife had over
looked. The horses were therefore soon saddled and
bridled, and the three companions were nearly ready to
mount when the young ladies came out, and, with their
arms around the Captain's neck, begged and implored
him not to go, for he would surely get killed if he did.
Finding it impossible to produce any effect, they next
appealed to Major Hawkins and Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Why, bless your little hearts ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh,
" I'd be willing to be larruped and whopped myself be
fore I'd disappoint you ; but, you see, this is something
it aren't for you to understand. You see, the Captain,
because he's a soldier, has to whop the varmin ; it's one
of the reg'lar duties of a soldier, under the circum
stances, to whop him according to chivalry ; and an
old soldier, who's been through the war, never fails to
perform his duties. As for me, personally, it aren't no
matter nohow, for I'm a rough old bachelor. But I'm
ready to whop the varmin, because one of the men he
spoke about was your par."

" Oh ! now, Mr. Oldbiegh," said the dark-eyed young
lady, the Captain's eldest daughter, whose name was
Josephine, " for my sake I know you'll urge my father
not to go ! " Mr. Oldbiegh had already taken a great
fancy to this young lady, and if the reader is of the
masculine gender, he will recognize how difficult it was
for him to resist her earnest appeal. " Suppose he

190 AFTER THE EDITOR.

should get killed," said the young lady, " who will
look after us?"

"I "will," said Mr. Oldbiegh, solemnly; "I'll look
arter you ! "

The Captain had gotten the horses saddled and
bridled by this time. He told Mr. Oldbiegh to get on
his first. He did so. The others got on theirs, and
they started off, the Captain, who took the lead, kicking
the flank of his horse violently with his wooden leg.

Now, if there was any one thing which Mr. Oldbiegh
knew less about than another, it was that peculiar
creature called a horse. With a faint idea that reins
were to be used for the purpose of assisting the rider
to hold on, being sorely in need of such assistance, and
feeling extremely uncertain as to the length of time
which he might remain on unless he had some such
assistance, Mr. Oldbiegh began to pull steadily on the
reins before he had gone thirty feet. This produced a
sudden and peculiar change in the movements of the
horse. It had been trotting straight to the front. It
now changed around and proceeded to dance a horse
polka up the road sidewise. A keen observer might
now have noticed that at every step of the horse Mr.
Oldbiegh rose in his seat without any apparent object,
to such an extent that quite a view of the distant hills
could have been had between the saddle and Mr. Old
biegh. As these unpremeditated movements somewhat
galled Mr. Oldbiegh, he pulled the harder on the reins.
However, the horse finally got the bit between his teeth
and went ahead at a very steady and jolting trot, which
almost shook the teeth out of Mr. Oldbiegh's head,

AFTER THE EDITOR. 191

while he held the bridle in one shaking hand and the
pummel of the saddle in the other. He soon caught
up with his two friends. They now went along very
comfortably for half a mile, when Mr. Oldbiegh's horse
seemed suddenly to come to the conclusion that he had
gone far enough, for he wheeled around and started for
home on a gallop. Mr. Oldbiegh's portly figure rose
and fell in the saddle with such harsh and uncertain
movements that he was compelled to drop the bridle
and hold firmly to the pummel. The horse went faster
and faster, and the young ladies soon saw him coming
up the road in a cloud of dust. They wondered what
could be the matter, and when he flew past the porch
they called to him, but Mr. Oldbiegh with head down
and both' hands gripping the pummel of the saddle like
a vise flew past without time for a reply. To use a com
mon expression, " he had bitten off more than he could
chew." The horse did not stop until it had shot
through the doorway of the stable, and had gone into
its stall, with Mr. Oldbiegh still on its back, holding as
firmly as if he had been fastened there with a pot of
paste. The young ladies, accompanied by Mr. Judsou
C. Muggs and Mr. Quagg, came down to the stable and
found him still sitting in this position. With the assis
tance of the two gentlemen Mr. Oldbiegh succeeded
in dismounting.

44 Where's the Captain ? " asked Mr. Quagg.

44 1 aren't found out, for this horse had made up his
mind not to go to town, and he wouldn't go nohow, so
I thought I'd come back, haw ! haw ! " said Mr. Old
biegh.

192 AFTER THE EDITOR.

After a little while the Captain was seen driving up
the road in a covered carriage, and just behind him was
the Major, on horseback, dragging the Captain's horse,
which came unwillingly. All three now got into the
carriage and started again. It was not long before Mr.
Oldbiegh, who enjoyed a rapid drive above all things
in the world, began to call, " Whop 'em up ! " The
Captain, who was anxious to get at his enemy, for his
wrath was boiling over in the shape of vituperation,
did not have to be urged a second time, and they were
soon going along at a rapid rate.

They arrived in front of the office of the Daily Ad
vance, and all three were on the sidewalk in a moment.
The Captain led the way into the editorial rooms, when
he drew a cowhide from his coat. A man with a long
silken black beard was sitting at a desk, with his back
to them. The Captain began to rain such a shower of
blows on his back that he looked up, and after that
jumped up and began to dance about the room, while
the Captain steadied himself by planting the cane,
which he held in his left hand, on the floor, and lashed
the man with the whip which he held in his right. The
man, while he warded off the blows with his left arm,
continued to jump about the room with wonderful
rapidity.

" Whop 'em up ! " shouted Mr. Oldbiegh.

" I will ! " said the Captain, as he rained the blows
on the man.

" Hold ! " shouted the Major, " you've got the wrong
man!"

AFTER THE EDITOR. 193

The Captain stopped and looked. Sure enough it
was not the editor, after all.

" Well, sir," said the Captain, " I beg your pardon,
earnestly ; but you really deserve the thrashing you've
gotten for wearing that mop on your chin ; and I'll
venture to say, sir, that you can't sign your name in a
legible manner ; but if there is anything I can do by
way of recompense, call on me, sir."

" I don't know that there is anything you can do,"
said the man, with a wry face, rubbing his back arid
shoulders.

" Well," said the Captain, " if there is, let me know;
and if there are any amends which it is in my power to
make, I'll make them, you can be assured of that ; for
although it was all a mistake, I know it stings just as
badly as if it wasn't ; and I believe for every wrong
done there should be a remedy. How about the editor
of the journal? Is he a friend of yours?"

" No, sir," said the man.

" Well, sir," said the Captain, " what is he?"

"I have reason to consider him an enemy," replied
the person with the long beard.

"Well, sir," said the Captain, "when I find the
hairy brute, I intend to give him a worse whipping
than I gave you. Yes, sir, I shall whip his mop off for
him ; and if I understand your i'eelings, the result will
be soothing to you, and act in a certain degree by way
of amends. Do you know where he has gone to, and
why he has fled?"

" It is easily explained," said the gentleman, as he
rubbed his left shoulder. "He has been running a
12

194 AFTER THE EDITOR.

paper in the town but a short time, and he did not
know that you were persons of prominence in the com
munity. If he'd known who you were, he wouldn't
have made the blunder. As to his whereabouts, I am
uncertain. I think he has gone to stop with his brother-
in-law, Mr. Oldwhistle."

" What?" said the Captain, "the yellow-haired little
wretch, whose place adjoins mine I "

" No," said the other, " it's a brother of his a scien
tist who lives in San Francisco."

Mr. Oldbiegh pricked up his ears. " Well, ef I won't
be bobbed ! " said he. "It's the etarnal varmin, darned
ef it aren't ! It's always on hand in connection with
dirty work ! "

"You know the wretch's scientific brother, then?"
said the Captain.

" Yes, sir, I do ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh, and I'll have
that 'ar' piece of yaller soap whopped yet, ef I have to
live to be as old as Methuseler afore it's done. Do
you know him?"

" Do I know him ? " said the Captain, with a sour
smile. " I lose fifty pounds of flesh every August on
account of the little scientific monstrosity. He comes
out to his brother's ranch every year to gather weeds
to take home with him, for he's a botanist. You can
find him in the field from six o'clock in the morning
to after dark at night, amongst the weeds, skipping
about for all the world like an overgrown grasshopper.
I've run across the little wretch when out hunting
with my dogs, so covered with burrs and stained with
tar weeds that my dogs didn't know he was human,

AFTER THE EDITOR. 195

and, taking after him for a wild beast, chased him
across the country on a dead run ; and the queer thing
about it was," continued the Captain, with a Forty-
fourth Tennessee wink, "that it was impossible to call
the dogs off. Where did you run across him, Old-
biegh ? "

" He's stopping at my hotel, and thar's where I run
across him," said Mr. Oldbiegh. "He runs with a
flock of women when he's thar'."

" I know," said the Captain. " He hasn't got in him
the manhood of a small-sized musquito ; and yet
he's the most persistent, untiring and energetic little
wretch in search of tar weeds. When he's after them,
he's perfectly fiendish in his hunt, and his tongue
hangs out of his mouth. Every year he tries to sneak
onto my grounds and poach on my weeds for I've got
a particular kind of weed he can't get anywhere else.
But while he's in the neighborhood, I put my men on
guard at night and have dogs chained all along the
borders of my grounds to give the alarm when this
weed monstrosity makes Ins approach. I despise the
little scoundrel and his whole venomous race. I
have had a lawsuit with his scoundrelly brother for the
last twenty years about our division line. Well, sir,"
said the Captain, turning to the gentleman he had so
lately thrashed, " allow me the honor of shaking your
hand ; and I hope we shall have the pleasure of your
company at my place, where I shall do the utmost in
my power to make it pleasant for you."

After Major Hawkins and Mr. Oldbiegh had shaken
hands with the gentleman, they started for home.

196 AFTER THE EDITOR.

When they had gotten about half way home they
saw two carriages driving toward them, filled with
young ladies and a couple of gentlemen. When they
got close up the company was recognized to be com
posed chiefly of the female element of the Captain's
family. They all stopped their vehicles and the Cap
tain learned from Mrs. Grunyon, who was in one of
the carriages, that fearing a serious termination to the
matter they had followed after him.

" Pshaw ! " said the Captain, who was greatly dis
gusted. " Nonsense ! I'm not as easily killed as a
spring chicken. I've got a skin as tough as a raw
hide ! "

"Did you kill anybody?" asked the dark-eyed
Josephine, anxiously.

" No, I didn't," said the Captain, gruffly. " I haven't
made a solitary fiendish corpse to-day ! "

"Well, what have you done, sir?" demanded his
wife.

" Madam," said the Captain, " since your woman's
curiosity keeps you in a hysterical state of suspense, I
will tell you that I have larruped a mop-faced cur 'till
he's as raw as a beefsteak."

44 What ! " said his wife, 44 the editor ? "

44 No, madam ; by an unfortunate mistake I thrashed
the wrong individual ! "

" What was his name ? " asked Miss Maud Glennon,
quickly.

44 Carleton," said the Captain.

The young lady uttered a shrill shriek and fell back
in the arms of Mr. Judson C. Muggs, who sat along-

AFTER THE EDITOR. 197

side of her in the back part of the carriage. The
gentleman held the fainting beauty in his arms with
great apparent pleasure.

" What's the meaning of all this unearthly shrieking
and tumult ?" said the 'Captain, excitedly.

"Never mind," said his wife, sternly ; "you have
done about enough for one day ! "

Many were the expressions of " Poor dear ! " " The
sweet pet ! " " Do come to, now ! " " Make an effort ! "
etc., uttered by the young ladies ; and even Mr. Old-
biegh in his generous anxiety was heard to call upon
her to " make a effort ; thar' now ! " And widely
did the poetical eyes of Mr. Judson C. Muggs open
when the young ladies opened the snow white bosom
of their prostrate companion. The Captain seemed to
be in a dazed state and was perfectly silent, except
when he once said : " Oldbiegh, my dear boy, can you
make out this monstrous row?" but as Mr. Oldbiegh
could not explain the cause, he relapsed into gloomy
silence. When they got home the young lady was put
to bed, after which the Captain learned from one per
son that she had chills and that bottles containing hot
water had been put at her feet. Another told him
it was suspected that she had brain fever, and that the
cause was attributed to him. Still another told him
that he had frightened her into a hysterical fit, and it
was thought that she would never recover.

"Pinch me, Oldbiegh," said the Captain, after hear
ing these charges, "and tell me what sort of a hyena
lam!"

He spent the day in misery. When he inquired of

198 AFTER THE EDITOR.

his wife and daughters about the young lady's state,
they would put their fingers to their lips, as a warning
to be silent, and he could obtain no information from
them. Mr. Oldbiegh tried to soothe him, but as he
was unable to give any explanation of the matter, his
consolation did the tender-hearted old soldier no good.
Finally, in a fit of desperation, he got Mr. Quagg in a
corner and attempted to obtain information from him.
Unfortunately for the Captain, this personage was
quite deaf, and like most deaf people spoke in an
unusually loud tone. Mrs. Grrunyon had given orders
that the strictest quiet should be kept in the house.

" Say," said the Captain, in a low tone, when he had
cornered Mr. Quagg, "can you explain this everlasting
kettle of fish that I've stirred up in some mysterious
way?"

" Certainly ! " said the reverend gentleman, in a loud
tone, as he smiled blandly. " He's a fine gentleman,
is Mr. Kettleridge. I met him at the Geysers last
summer. Oh ! yes, certainly! He's got a fine family,
too ! "

" Sh-h-h !" said the Captain; "don't talk so loud.
Sh-h-h ! "

" She ? " said the other, " oh ! yes, she is a fine
woman, his wife is, an excellent woman. Fine family.
Finely educated, too I."

" Hush ! "said the Captain, in a shrill whisper.

"What's that? " said Mr. Quagg, holding his hand
up to his ear ; " speak louder ! "

"Don't talk so loud!" said the Captain, in a loud
whisper.

AFTER THE EDITOR. 199

"Oh! yes, haw! haw! Very good! very good!"
said the other.

" Oldbiegh ! " said the Captain, beckoning to Mr.
Oldbiegh, who was at the end of the hall, " come here
and see if you can shut up this everlasting talking
machine. He'll have the whole house down on us in a
minute ! "

When Mr. Oldbiegh came up, Mr. Quagg broke out
again in a loud tone of voice : " Seeing you, Mr. Old
biegh, reminds me of a veiy funny story. I had a
friend in South America. He was your exact coun
terpart and was of German descent, and his wife was
German and his children were German, ha ! ha! "

"Oh, Lord!" said the Captain, in an agonized tone,
" this beastly eight-day talking machine is wound up
again ! For heaven's sake, Oldbiegh, turn it off! "

" That's very true, Captain, ha ! ha ! he ! ha ! " said
Mr. Quagg.

At. this moment Mrs. Grunyon, followed by three
young ladies, came down the stairs and walked up to
the Captain.

"Oh!^you heartless creature!" said she, looking
sternly at her husband, "laughing loudly, when the
poor dear that you have sent to death's door is lying
probably on her death bed up-stairs ! "

"I protest, Madam," said the Captain, "that the
laugh was not mine. It was uttered by this fiendish
deaf mute here at my elbow I "

The lady gazed at him with a look of scornful dis
belief, as she turned away.

200 A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT.

CHAPTER VII.

A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT.

THE next morning Mr. Oldbiegh and Major Haw
kins were out taking a walk over the place and
enjoying the sunlight after breakfast, when their atten
tion was attracted by rather a peculiar scene down the
road. A negro boy and a white boy were fighting in
a ferocious manner, and the Captain was stumping
around and urging one of them on. Upon coming up
to the scene of battle they discovered the white boy to
be one of the Captain's sons, and they afterwards
learned that the negro boy belonged on Mr. Old whis
tle's place. The Captain was hurrahing when his boy
got the best of it, and was shouting: "Pitch into
him, you yearling calf! Go it! you yearling calf!
Whip him, or I'll thrash you within an inch of your
life ! Fight like a soldier, sir ! " Encouraged by such
flattering terms as "you yearling calf," etc., the boy
soon thrashed his opponent. " Now, you young hound,"
said Captain Grunyon, " make tracks for home, and let
me catch you fighting again, if you dare ! " The boy
went to a neighboring horse trough to wash his bleed
ing nose.

"Now," said the Captain, addressing Mr. Oldbiegh
and the Major, " I want to show you my hogs. I'm
proud of them. They are the fattest, handsomest and
most intelligent hogs in the State. One of them is so
intelligent that, if he could only speak, I believe he

A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT. 201

could edit a newspaper ! I'm going to have him on
exhibition at the State Fair."

After pointing out the fine qualities of his hogs to
his companions, the Captain led them to his poultry
yard. It was very near the division line between his
place and that of his neighbor and enemy, Mr. Old-
whistle. The Captain told Mr. Oldbiegh that Mr.
Old whistle had sixty fighting cocks while he had only
fifty ; and that Mr. Oldwhistle always kept his penned
up and never let them out for fear his (the Captain's)
might be let out at the same time. "He knows that
mine can whip the feathers off his, which are nothing
more than common dung-hills," said the Captain. He
had hardly made this remark when he became sud
denly excited. "Look!" said he, pointing straight
ahead. His companions looked and saw some sixty or
seventy chickens about one hundred feet beyond the
Captain's poultry yard. " They're his game cocks ! "
said the Captain, " and they're on my land. It's his
new man who's done this in his absence, for he's away
from home. Now for a glorious battle ! Now for
blood and slaughter ! This way, Oldbiegh, this way,
Hawkins." The Captain and his companions slipped
around and got into the poultry yard by a back
entrance. Many of the Captain's birds were already
uttering shrill challenges to the enemy without.
" Now, Hawkins," said the Captain, after they were in
the yard, " what's the plan of battle ? Shall we send
our forces out in platoons of say sixteen or eighteen,
or shall we make one sweeping charge ? "

"What do you think? " said the Major.

202 A LITP:RARY ENTERTAINMENT.

" I think it would be well to send sixteen to fall on
their right flank, and sixteen to fall on their left, and
to send the rest on a rapid charge in double time for
their centre."

After trying this scientific plan, they concluded to
let out all the birds at once, which they finally did,
whereupon each bird adopted his own tactics, and was
soon engaged in a bloody war of extermination, which
greatly pleased the three companions. There was only
one unpleasant feature about the whole battle, and that
was that the fight became so confused that the birds of
both parties began to mistake friends for enemies. The
strife raged with intense fury for nearly an hour, and
the losses on both sides were heavy. So terrific was the
struggle that the wounded were left lying on the field
of battle. Finally, the number of able-bodied warriors
was reduced to fourteen, and as these all belonged to
the Captain, he proceeded to separate them, and with
the assistance of his friends succeeded in placing them
in separate apartments in the chicken-house, where
they began to crow in a manner which showed that
each was satisfied that he had won the victory.

When Mr. Oldwhistle returned home that night, he
found his chicken-house as silent as a graveyard, and a
little later discovered the field of battle strewn with
the corpses of his birds. To him it appeared a sad
spectacle as the moonlight fell upon their pale coun
tenances. Of course, he was unable to prove that the
Captain had been the moving cause of their death, but
he was, nevertheless, firmly convinced that it was so,

A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT. 203

and, as a consequence, his hatred for Captain Grunyon
was greatly increased.

When the three friends reached home the Captain
was informed by his wife that two of the boys had,
'contrary to her express orders, gone into the garden
and plucked some ears of green corn, which, after
climbing into a tree with some companions, they had
eaten. The Captain never allowed any of his children
to be punished until he had formally tried them for the
offense. He therefore called the two offenders and
made them stand in front of him. Taking a seat in a
large arm-chair, he said : " Call the witnesses against
the accused." Mrs. Grunyon called her eldest daughter,
who had seen the boys going up into the tree, with
something in their hands, she could not make out what.
Nellie, the youngest child in the house, was called next.
The two culprits frowned savagely at her. But she
said boldly that she had seen corn husks and cobs fall
ing out of the tree when the boys were in it. This was
all the evidence to prove the charge. " Now," said the
Captain, "we'll hear from the defense." A son of Mr.
Old whistle's for although the parents quarrelled the
boys did not arid the son of another neighbor were
produced by the defendants ; and these boys testified
that they were all four in swimming in a creek two
mile* distant at the time of the commission of the
alleged offense. In rendering his decision, the Captain
said : " The defense is an alibi. After weighing all the
testimony, I find ground for a reasonable doubt in favor
of the accused ; they are, therefore, acquitted ; but
you young hounds, don't let me catch you doing it

204 A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT.

again, or I'll thrash you within an inch of your lives,
you vicious young cubs ! "

The Captain had several trials during Mr. Oldbiegh's
stay, and it was a noticeable fact that not one of them
resulted in a conviction.

In a few days Miss Maud Glennon was well. In the
meantime the Captain was greatly astonished to learn
that the gentleman whom he had thrashed so unmerci
fully was engaged to be married to her. He was stand
ing on the front porch, wondering what he could do to
make amends, when he saw a little man in a one-horse
buggy, lashing the one horse as he drove up to the
house. It was not long before he reached the house,
when the Captain descended the steps and assisted him
out of the buggy, and then assisted him in lowering
the dusty leather top of the vehicle, which the little
man insisted on having down before he would turn the
carriage over to one of the farm hands, who stood
ready to take it to the stable.

"Is Maud here?" were the first words of the new
comer.

"She is," said the Captain.

" Oh ! the wretched girl ! " said the man, angrity.
The speaker was a thin, little man, about fifty years of
age, with a large nose in the centre of his face, and
leaden eyes. He wore a blue jacket and blue panta
loons. He had large pointed ears, and the hair, which
grew only on the side of his head, stood straight up.
The top of his cranium was perfectly bald. Such was
the striking appearance of the gentleman when he took
off his hat and walked into the house. With his hat

A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT. 205

off he would have been the observed among a thousand.
As soon as he got into the hallway, he began to call at
the top of his lungs for "Maud ! Maud ! "

The Captain was greatly astonished at the actions of
this person, whom he knew, by the descriptions he had
had of him to be Mr. Glennon, but he had never met
him before. As Miss Glennon did not come, the little
man called out in a louder and more angry tone. In a
short time a door on the left side of the hallway was
thrown open and Miss Glennon was seen at work with
a number of other young ladies on a quilt.

" You wretched girl ! " said the little man at once,
"you would "

"Oh! pa, don't! " said the young lady, "don't make
one of your disagreeable scenes ! "

" I won't make a scene ! " said the little man, with
redoubled anger. " I won't make a scene, you wretched
girl ! You will act in secret, hey ? You will keep
secrets from me, hey ? "

" Oh ! pa, please don't ! " said the young lady, anx
iously.

"You will be up to your monkey shines without
letting me know? "said the little man, in a furious
state of wrath. "Engaging yourself in secret, you
wretched girl ! " The young lady threw up her hands
and shrieked. "Engaged," continued the little man,
" to a dead beat ! " Several other young ladies shrieked.
" Oh ! yes, shriek, shriek, shriek ! " said the little man ;
"you all are just as bad. I warrant you all are secretly
engaged ! " Several of the young ladies shrieked again.
44 Why do you shriek ? " said the little man. " Did you

206 A LITKRARY ENTERTAINMENT.

see a mouse ? Do you smell a rat? Oh ! I understand.
You all smell rats ! smell rats ! Maud, you wretched
girl, come here!"

" No, she shan't ! " said the dark-eyed Josephine,
defiantly.

" Oh, pa ! " said Miss Glennon again, " please don't
make a scene. Please go away. That's a good pa ! "

44 Who's making a scene ? " said the little man, " who's
making a scene ? Am I a scene ? If there's any scene
it's your shrieking. Tell me aren't you engaged to a
dead beat without my knowledge ? "

" No, I'm not ! " said the young lady, defiantly.

" Isn't the fellow, who got so unmercifully thrashed
in the Advance office, a beat? "

" Oh ! pa, how can you ?" said Miss Maud. *

" It's because he's a cruel old monster ! " said Miss
Josephine.

44 I'm a monster, am I ? " said the little man, turning
to her; 44 do I look like a monster?"

44 You surely do just like one ! " said the young lady!

44 Oh ! oh ! " said the little man, turning around and
looking at Captain Grunyon with a silly look. i4 Cap
tain Grunyon, I believe ? "

44 Yes, sir," said the Captain, 44 that's my title, and I
believe I have the honor of addressing Mr. Glennon."

44 Yes, sir," said the little man. 44 You thrashed the
wretch ? "

44 1 did," said the Captain, " through a mistake."

44 Oh ! it don't -matter about the mistake," said Mr.
Glennon. 44 He deserved it, and you thrashed him I
You hear that, Maud? He thrashed your beat ; unmer-

A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT. 20V

cifully, unmercifully, I hope, Captain," added Mr.
Glennon, turning to the Captain.

The little man wanted to take Maud home with him
at once, but the Captain succeeded in dissuading him.
They, therefore, adjourned to the sideboard in the
dining-room, where the little man, after he had taken a
drink with the Captain, informed him that when he
discovered that his daughter was secretly engaged to.
the man, and after he had learned further that Mr.
Carleton was worth nothing, from a financial point of
view, he had instantly put his friends on their guard
against this adventurer. " Why, sir," said the little
man, "imagine the audacity of the wretch to court my
daughter secretly without a cent. He always told me
he had a rich uncle, which was false ; so he was really
trying to obtain my daughter under false pretenses.
A crime, sir ! A crime at law ! I could have sent him
to the penitentiary ! So I have told all my friends
about it. I have told them he has attempted to com
mit a crime at law ! Yes, sir, I have told it to a hun
dred men. I have given the wretch a black reputation
for entering into a secret engagement with my daughter
without my knowledge. If any one has the audacity
to do it, I shall blacken his reputation. Several have
done it, and the result is that their reputations now
wouldn't be of any benefit to a poodle dog ! No, sir,
I won't have it ! " said Mr. Glennon, excitedly.

" Well, ef I won't be bobbed ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh,
who was standing by, while a good-natured smile over
spread his features.

208 A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT.

" Oldbiegh," said the Captain, " Glennon. Glennon,
Oldbiegh ; know each other."

" Glard to know yer ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh, holding
out his large hand to Mr. Glennon. Mr. Glennon
looked at Mr. Oldbiegh curiously, as he took his hand
without saying anything.

"What's this?" said the Captain, opening a letter
which one of his younger sons handed him. The Cap
tain looked long at the superscription. The missive
was addressed to " Mr." Grunyon. " Who is it " said
the Captain, " that knows me and hasn't got courtesy
enough in his skin to address me by my title?" He
tore the envelope open, and as he read, a look of amaze
ment overspread his features. The letter commenced,
" My dear, dear Jack."

"What do you think of that, Oldbiegh?" said the
Captain. " Whoever he is, he's monstrously familiar
with me."

" It sounds, for all the world, like a two-forty wid-
dyer," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " and it don't sound like a
man, nohow."

" Certainly, blast it ! I say it's a man I " said the
Captain. " It's a man's handwriting. What's this? It
says, 4 Meet me in the grove at eight to-night.' It's a
foot-pad ! A scheme to rob me ! " The Captain studied
over the signature, but could not make it out. He
grew wrothy at once. "The brute can't sign his name.
It looks like Billy. I'll be there to meet him I I'd
like to catch him ! I'd give him a writing lesson, and
I'd print it on his trowsers ! "

"Well, ef I won't be bobbed!" said Mr. Oldbiegh,

A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT. 209

Who had been looking over the Captain's shoulder.
"It is a widdyer, arter all! The name is Bella!
Look out when you go to meet her she don't squawk ! "

" Oldbiegh," said the Captain, solemnly, as he gazed
at Mr. Oldbiegh under his shaggy eyebrows, "this is
the work of my venomous cub. Now I think of it, I've
seen the young brute walking the street with a chalk-
faced terror with one eye. Oldbiegh, I shall call him
in and charge it upon him." The Captain rang a bell
in the wall and when the servant entered said: "Tell
Master Jack to come here at once." In a little while
Jack came. From the look on his face, it was evident
that he expected something. " Jack," said the Cap
tain, solemnly, "do you know Bella?"

"What Bella?" asked the young man, coolly.

" Any Bella," said the Captain, sternly.

" No, sir," said the son.

"Do you know anything about this letter?" said the
Captain, handing the letter to him. The young man
took the letter and read it through carefully.

" No, sir," said he ; " it seems to be written to you."

" Do you mean to say, sir, that that letter is written
to me ? " said the Captain, more sternly.

" Certainly," said the son.

The Captain jumped up and flourished his cane
threateningly, without any intention of striking his
son, however.

" You monstrous young rogue ! " said he, fiercely,

as he hobbled after the youth, who fled precipitately

through the hallway. The Captain hobbled rapidly in

his wake, but in a few moments came panting back

210 A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT.

with a grim smile on his long face. u The young ras
cal knew I was monstrously amused all the time,"
said he. The Captain was not aware that the " young
rascal " was at that instant leaning around a corner in
the hall, listening to what he said.

" Dinner ! " called the silver voice of the pretty Jose
phine, as she glanced in at the door.

" May I have the exquisite pleasure of escorting you
to the dining-hall?" said Mr. Glenn on, rising suddenly
and dusting some cigar ashes from his coat as he did so.

" You may," said the dark-eyed young lady as she
took his arm.

"Junius," said the Captain, "take my arm. Haw
kins, bring up the rear."

Mr. Glennon and Miss Josephine walked first, then
came the Captain and Mr Oldbiegh arm in arm, and
Major Hawkins followed. As they passed the foot of
the broad oak stairway, which came from the upper
floor on which the bed chambers were situated, several
ladies, coming down the steps, formed in line after them.
When they reached the dining-room, they found Mr.
Quagg, Mr. Judson C. Muggs and several of the chil
dren standing already at their places.

" Thomas," said the Captain to one of the younger
boys after the company were seated, " did you wind
that clock this morning ? "

Mr. Oldbiegh looked at the large pendulum clock on
the wall in its mahogany case, and saw that the weight
was hanging down to the bottom of the case, while
the hands were still.

" Yes, sir," said the boy.

A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT. 211

" What ! " said the Captain, staring at the boy fero
ciously ; " do you mean to say the weight has fallen its
whole distance in one day ? "

" Yes, sir," said the boy, while every one at the table
looked steadily at him, knowing that it was an eight-
day clock.

" You villainous young rogue ! " said the Captain ;
"do you mean to tell me that that clock has been
running eight times as fast as usual to-day? "

u Yes, sir," said Thomas. Everybody gazed upon
his features with astonishment.

"Go and wind that clock at once, sir !" said his
father.

" I can't," said the boy, beginning to whimper.

"You can't, sir! " said the Captain, jumping up and
going to the clock, which, after getting upon a chair,
he proceeded to wind. He wound the weight all the
way up to the top. The hand moved an inch and the
weight fell all the way down again. The Captain
wound it once more, with the same result. A third
time he wound it. The black hands moved forward a
short distance and the brass weight fell to the bottom.
" This is the most astonishing clock upon the face of
the globe ! '" said he, with surprise in every feature.
u It is possessed by a devil ! Its actions are disrepu
table and monstrous ! " On looking up into the inside
of the clock he discovered that the works were gone.
" Who did this ? " said he, glancing around at the table.
" Who gutted my clock ? "

" I know," said Nellie, the youngest child ; " Joe took
them out to make a steamboat ! "

212 A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT.

The Captain got rapidly down from his chair, but
before he was down Joe fled precipitately from the table.
The Captain resumed his seat and before long the con
versation became general.

" Olclbiegh," said the Captain, " take some rabbit pie,"
and the Captain helped him so bountifully that there
was enough on his plate for two men. " Mr. Muggs,"
said he, " take some rabbit."

" Well-er," said Mr. Muggs, opening his mouth widely,
while he spoke in a long, drawling tone, "no-er, thank
you."

" What do you think of the scenery around here, Mr.
Muggs ? " asked Major Hawkins.

Vary gude," said Mr. Muggs ; " it's parsable ! "

" I saw you out with the young ladies."

" Certainly, of course," broke in the Captain ;
" Muggs is a sly boy for the girls ! "

" Well, yarse," said Mr. Muggs, with a very long
drawl, " I certainly am."

" What do you find most attractive in the scenery
around here ? " asked the Major.

" The little burds," drawled the poet, "and the ground
squirrels ! "

"Aren't they too sweet?" asked Miss Glennon.

"They are too swuite," said Mr. Muggs, looking
languishing! }> at the blue-eyed Maud.

The leaden eyes of Mr. Glennon, as he gazed upon
the unruffled countenance of the poet, had in them a
fc \vhat-on-earth-is-he " expression. The poet's face con
tinued, however, unruffled by the gaze.

A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT. 213

"Mr. Muggs, what is your favorite color?" asked
Miss Deane.

" Rad," replied the poet. " All that is beautiful is
rad," added he, drawling. "The sun, which is the carse
of the existernse of all beauty, is rad. The most beau
tiful flawers are rad. The most beautiful hair on a
young lady's head is rad. A blush is rad, and rad is the
sunset at night."

" How poetical he is ! " said Miss Glennon, with ad
miration. " That accounts for your standing bareheaded
out in the open air last night, with a dreamy look in
your eyes," continued she.

" Yas, and the sunset was rad. I was wrapt in
dreams," said Mr. Muggs, with a dreamy look.

"What's that?" said Mr. Quagg, suddenly breaking
in and holding his hand up to his ear. " You like it
rare?"

" Yas," drawled the poet in reply, in a tone slightly
tinged with contempt, " Yas, I like a sunset rare, Mr.
Quagg, I do ! " The young ladies were greatly amused
at this remark.

"Oh! ah!" said Mr. Quagg, "I misunderstood you."

"Yas," said the other, "it was evardunt; but yet I
think I speak plain Englush."

" Oh ! certainly," said the red-headed little preacher.
" I know you had no such intention, of course."

" But I did, Mr. Quagg, I did," drawled Mr. J udson
C. Muggs.

Mr. Quagg turned red in the face.

"You did, sir!" said he.

"I certainly did,'' said the poet.

214 A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT.

" Well, sir," said the other, " it was very strange
conduct, I must say."

" Oh ! no, it was not," replied the poet ; Mr. Quagg
did not understand him, so he did not reply, but com
menced looking abstractedly at his plate, while his face
continued red during the rest of the dinner.

" Apple dumplings!" said the Captain, as a great
brown crockery bowl with steaming apple dumplings
was placed before him. " Gentlemen and ladies," added
he, " fill your glasses with claret. Claret and dumplings
go together immensely well. Black coffee ? " asked he,
looking up at the pretty maid who had just brought in
fifteen or twenty cups on a tray.

" Yes, sir," replied the girl, quietly.

" You have travelled a good deal, Mr. Muggs ? " said
Mrs. Grunyon, who was sitting stiffly erect in her black
silk dress at the foot of the table.

" I harve," said Mr. Muggs.

" I understand that you have seen a good deal of the
lives of the Indians ? "

" I harve," was the reply.

" What struck you most in regard to their method of
living?"

" Well," said Mr. Muggs, " their method of burial.
That strark me most. It is poetical. The dad Ingin
is placed on the top of a simple platform in the open air,
and left there with the rad sun and clouds overhead in
the daytime and the stars and moon overhead at night.
It is touching and pathetic and has the assence of the
beautiful. I wept over the dad Ingin when I first saw
it," drawled Mr. Muggs.

A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT. 215

Captain Grunyon had ceased talking to Major Haw
kins and was listening.

" Do you mean to say you blubbered over the dead
Siwash ? " said he.

" Certainly ; why not ? I felt the assence of the beau
tiful," said Mr. Muggs.

"I should think the blackbirds would eat up the
corpse ! " said the Captain.

"Yas, they do," said Mr. Muggs.

"And you think it a beautiful burial, when a man is
everlastingly carried over the face of the globe in the
stomachs of a flock of blackbirds?" asked the Captain.

" Yas," drawled the poet.

" What sort of an appearance do you expect a man to
make on the day of judgment," said the Captain, "if he
comes up in the shape of a flock of blackbirds ? It's
monstrous ! " The poet smiled a silly smile, but did not
reply. " No, sir," continued the Captain, " if I've got
to appear there in the shape of four thousand chirrup
ing blackbirds, I won't go. I'll stay at home wherever
that is. Yes, sir ! "

" Captain ! " said Mrs. Grunyon.

" Madam," replied the Captain.

" Remember yourself," said his wife.

" Yes, Madam, certainly I'll remember myself."

It was growing late when they adjourned from the
table, and after the Captain and the gentlemen had
smoked their after-dinner cigars, all met in the large
drawing-room. Mrs. Grunyon, who was given to econ
omy and was a skillful housewife, had lighted but two
of the gas-jets in the brass chandelier in the center of

216 A LITERARY ENTKRTAINMENT.

the apartment. The Captain hobbled to the center of
the room, struck a match and lighted ten of the jets.
The triangular-shaped glass pieces which hung from
the chandelier sparkled brilliantly in the light. On the
wall over the large wooden mantel hung a picture of a
tropical scene, in a soft, hazy atmosphere, by Bush, and
on the wall at the end of the room, over the piano was
the picture of a shipwreck by Denny. Hanging over
the black horsehair lounge, at the side of the room and
near the doorway which opened into the hall, was the
picture of a hunting scene, and the central figure of the
scene was the Captain, surrounded by five setter dogs,
while he held his shot-gun at his side, the muzzle slant
ing upwards, ready for the first game that appeared.
The Captain pointed out this picture to Mr. Oldbiegh
and commented on its beauties, and Mr. Oldbiegh pro
fessed to have great admiration for the picture as a
work of art.

It was a sultry evening and the sashes in the bay-
window were up, and Mr. Judson C. Muggs was sitting
behind the white lace curtains with Miss Glennon. It
was not long before all were engaged in conversation
and the merry laugh was heard in different parts of
the room. The Captain was sitting in a large arm
chair with red cushions, by the mantelpiece, and with
his elbow resting on the arm of the chair was listen
ing intently to an anecdote which Mr. Oldbiegh, who
sat in a chair beside him, was relating of their school
days. It was not long before the remarks of Mr. Old
biegh were interrupted by the young ladies, who were
heard urging the poet to read a poem.

A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT. 217

" Certainty," said the Captain, "by all means read it."

" Whart shahl it be ? On whart subject ? "

" What is your favorite subject ? " asked Miss
Glennon.

"I have poems," drawled the gentleman, as he ran
his fingers through his long hair, " on several subjects.
My favorite one, however, is the little burds."

" Oh ! give us the poem on that subject ! " said one
of the young ladies in the corner, clapping her hands ;
" giye us that ! "

" Certainly," said the Captain ; " bang away at the
birds ! "

Mr. Muggs rose slowly, and with a sedate tread
walked to the center of the room. After carefully
lifting the hair out of the back of his neck, tugging at
his collar, with his forefinger, to make it more com
fortable, and buttoning his brown coat across his
breast, he cast up his eyes and surveyed his audience.

" I shall read," he said, slowly, " a story entitled ' A
Legend of the Columbia.' ' Then, with a far-away
look in his eyes, he gazed at the opposite wall for some
moments, when he read as follows :

"A LEGEND OP THE COLUMBIA.

4 When the little town of Astoria, which lies beneath
the hills on the left shore of the Columbia, was in its'
infancy, it was even more picturesque than at the
present day. It was situated on a rising ground, and
close to the water's edge. The tall firs, hemlock and
spruce trees that surrounded the village protected it
from the tempests of winter.. Seven miles across the

218 A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT.

blue water of the Columbia were to be seen the tree-
capped hills of what is now the Washington Territory
shore.

" The part of this little town, which was formerly
called by its eight or ten inhabitants the 'Lower
Town,' was originally a trading post of the Hudson
Bay Company, and was first known by the name of
Fort George. Here, thousands of miles from the civ
ilized world, with the silence of a vast forest to the
right of them, and behind them ; the silence and
deeper solitude of a mighty hill to the left ; with the
silence of a grand river in front of them ; here, all
alone, lived a few waifs from the great living world.

" As may be well imagined, these beings who had
wandered far away to this western world belonged to
a class who might be said to consist of the curiosities of
humanity. Trappers, men who had escaped from jus
tice, men embittered by the strange chances and mis
fortunes of life; such men formed this community.
Amongst the last class was a curious old lawyer, a
man possessed of profound ability. He had been
brought up at the Inns of London.

" He had striven for many years in that great city,
feeling, knowing his ability. In his attempts to obtain
a foothold he had battled against poverty and misfor
tune and had felt the pangs of that 4 hope deferred
which maketh the heart sick ; ' but the rushing stream
of misfortune was too powerful for him with its
terrible tide, and he lost his hold upon the world. He
sought the peace and solitude of the great forest.
This last gentleman was the oracle of the little town,

A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT. 219

and many a lecture did he give to his audience there
assembled, as he sat before the great stove in the
Hudson Bay store and puffed the gray tobacco smoke
from his meerschaum pipe in clouds above him ; for it
was around this stove that the whole town assembled
whenever it rained, which happened at that time nearly
every day in the year. Around this great stove in the ,
old log store, this whole town on these numerous occa
sions chewed tobacco, smoked tobacco, and told hide
ous yarns. And all the while the Columbia, with the
rain ever falling upon its smooth surface, rolled on in
grim silence to the ocean. When such a strange event
as the appearance of a white sail on the ocean hap
pened, the quiet little community would be thrown
into a state of enormous excitement. Then would
the members of the community lay down their tobacco
pipes ; their quids would be cast aside ; the people
would put on their rubber boots, their oilskin hats
and coats; and the whole community, followed by the
sheep, cows and dogs of the village, would go down
to the beach; the great life-boat that belonged to the
company would be manned and the crew would pre
pare to pilot the ship into port. But such an occasion
as this occurred only at very long intervals, indeed.

" There were Indians there in those days, but not
one is left to tell of the race that is gone. They were
a quiet, peaceable, idle race. The}' lived chiefly by
salmon fishing and were not of a warlike disposition.

" The little town of Astoria had been sleeping in
this quiet manner which we have described, disturbed
only by the cry of the panther and the howl of the

220 A LITKRARY ENTERTAINMENT.

wolf, when a great commotion was caused by the re
port that there was to be an increase in the population.
A young clerk was to be sent out from England.
The sale of blankets to the Indians had increased of
late, and the company had come to the conclusion that
an additional clerk was necessary. An old trapper had
been seen coming around 'Tongue Point' in a canoe
one day, and he had brought the news from another
station, placed by the same company far up the Colum
bia. For many days the community smoked more vio
lently, as they discussed the news around the great
stove in the old low-roofed store. One day a sail was
seen beyond 4 Sand Island,' and at about four o'clock
in the afternoon the ship anchored in front of the town,
and the new clerk was rowed ashore.

"It was not long before the town became aware of
the fact that this gentleman had been married to a
lovely English girl the day before he quitted England.
He had left his young wife in England,~and had come
to this far land to work for the company for a few
years, until he had saved money enough to go home
and live with his wife in ease. It was a hard trial to
him, and a hard trial to his young wife, but poverty
was his spur. He had thought first of delaying the
day of marriage until his return, but this had already
been delayed, and both were too deeply in love to
reason. Instead of reasoning they got married. A
few hours of exquisite bliss and they parted.

" The white sails of the vessel which had brought
the young husband to Astoria were spread, and slewed
around to catch the wind ; the ship sailed away on her

A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT. 221

homeward voyage. The citizens watched the sails
until they became a white speck on the ocean and were
nndistinguishable from the distant clouds.

" The new member soon settled down, and grew like
the rest of the community, and it was not long before
he acquired those habits which were common to all.
At first he was the principal speaker at the old store,
and would describe to the little band of listeners the
great and busy world so far away. Even the dogs of
the village would sit on their haunches and gaze up
into his face with a look of seeming interest as he spoke.
One time he told of the sweet, gentle wife he had left
behind him, and as he described her in glowing terms
his listeners leaned forward, with their elbows on their
knees, and one old pilot took off his hat and laid it on
the floor as the young man described the lovely face
like that of an angel, and spoke of the golden hair
and the eyes like the blue of heaven. But after a
while a deep melancholy took possession of him, and
lie hardly spoke to the rest. He was often seen to wan
der up and down the beach in the evening after the
day's work was done. He became the subject of conver
sation, and the villagers all solemnly agreed, and espe
cially did the old lawyer conclude, that he was out of
his element, that that was no place for him. Still the
days dragged by and the rain came drearily down ; still
the Indians in their canoes paddled their way over the
smooth surface of the river, and still the river carried
Old Time in his invisible boat down to the ocean.

" One day an Indian came into the store and in
formed the people there that a big canoe was on the

222 A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT.

ocean. They went out and, sure enough, on the far
horizon, and a c little to port of Sand Island,' as a rough
old sailor expressed it, was a sail. The sail moved
across the mouth of the river, and many were the con
jectures as to whether the vessel would come into the
river or not. At last the question was settled when
the vessel rounded the north end of the sand spit on
the bar. In two hours the ship, with all sails set,
passed within a quarter of a mile of the town and went
on up the river. She was a beautiful clipper packet
one of the splendid line of packets that sailed between
New York and France sixty years ago, one of those
vessels that were fitted up like palaces, that were built
of oak and pine, and were fastened with copper bolts.
This was the ' Silvia de Gras,' and she had a majestic
appearance as she moved with all sails set onward up
the Columbia. Every spy-glass in the town was lev
elled at the vessel as she glided onward. A lady on
the poop-deck was waving a handkerchief, and a spy
glass showed the young clerk that this was the wife
he had left in old England. The day had been a bright
one, and the sun was sinking at the mouth of the river
through a sky of golden clouds. The young husband
got into the life-boat with four companions and rowed
up the river after the vessel. The sun sank, and the
clouds of gold in the west took a crimson hue.

" It was suddenly noticed that the vessel had stopped.
She had struck upon a hidden rock. She remained in
the same position without moving. The boat reached
her, and the young husband seized a rope that was
hanging from her bow in order to keep the boat in

A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT. 223

position. The ebb tide was rushing rapidly around
the ship, forming whirlpools in its course.

" During the trip from England the young wife had
had a constant presentiment she would find her hus
band was dead. She had never heard from him, and
this had induced her to start in search of him, and
now, after a dreary sea voyage which had lasted thir
teen months, she, with inexpressible joy, saw his face
again. The young man, while holding his boat in posi
tion, was looking up into her face, and had just com
menced to speak to her when the tide, coming around
the bow of the ship, caused the boat to lurch to one
side and he was thrown into the river. He lost his
hold upon the rope and was carried down with the tide.
One shriek from the young wife and she fell insensible
to the deck. The husband rose to the surface, sank,
rose again, and yet a third time, and was then lost to
sight. The young wife was taken ashore in an uncon
scious condition. Some men living in a log cabin left
it and gave it up to her. An old Indian woman, who
had worked for some of the officers of the company,
attended her during her sickness, which lasted two
weeks. Day after day the rough inhabitants of the
town would come stealthily to the old cabin, lay their
hats on the ground and wait silently until the old In
dian woman happened to come to the door, when she
would tell them how the young wife was. They would
go away then, shaking their heads mournfully as they
went. During most of the time the sufferer was deliri
ous. The long continued anxiety," followed by the
unexpected sight of the one she loved, and that fol-

224 A LITERARY KNTKRTAINMKNT.

lowed in turn by his death at the moment of her
greatest happiness, had been more than her gentle
nature could stand. In her delirium, so the oldest
inhabitants say, she seemed to think that she was on
an island in the middle of the ocean, and that her hus
band was being torn from her arms by savages, who
intended to murder him. But death cast his soft mantle
of eternal sleep over the poor wear} r form at last, for
one evening, as the sun was sinking through the sky of
fire that hung over the mouth of the great river, a ray
of light coming through the old log cabin, a ray which
had been resting on the poor weary face, and playing
amid the hair of gold, grew dim and more dim until it
had gone and the night had come, and to her it was
the night of death. The pretty eyes, blue as the blue
light of heaven, had lost their look of weariness and
sorrow forever. There was no more suffering, no more
pain, for she was dead.

" The next morning the body of the young husband
drifted upon the beach. Preparations were made for
the funeral. Two canoes were brought side by side,
and boards were placed between them, forming a plat
form. On this the community spread green boughs.
The carpenter of the packet ship made two pine coffins.
The remains of the young couple were placed in them
and they rested side by side upon the platform. This
was taken in tow by the life-boat, and the inhabitants
of the town took canoes, and the ship's company their
boats, and this little fleet rowed slowly and silently
around 'Smith's Point' and up Young's River. A
number of Indians in their canoes followed grimly and

A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT. 225

silently in the rear. Near a narrow gorge beside the
river, beneath the shadow of tall fir trees, was found a
little green spot, and here a grave was dug. The oldest
man in the community read the burial service, and the
unfortunate young pair were lowered into their eternal
res ting-place.

" The hull of the old ' Silvia de Gras ' withstood the
shocks of the wind and weather for many years. It is
said that people sailing by the old ship at midnight in
their boats have heard the despairing cry of the young
wife, and that on moonlight nights the sailors have
been seen pulling at the ropes of the vessel. But these
mysterious visitors are to be seen no more, for the noble
vessel has at last given up the battle with Time. A
few years ago the last remnants of the c Silvia de Gras '
were carried away by the dark, rushing tide of the
river."

When Mr. Muggs ceased reading, many were the
comments on the story by the young ladies. Some of
them thought it was " too sweet," and others thought
it was " so nice."

"What do you think of it, Mr. Oldbiegh?" asked
Josephine, who came and drew up a chair by the side
of that gentleman.

"Well," said Mr. Oldbiegh, "it's pretty good, be
cause it's natch'ral. It's true to nature and that 'ar's
a good sign."

" All that I ever wrote," said Mr. Muggs, "of any
kind, I wrote before I was twenty. Since then my
14

226 A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT.

muse has been dumb. For a time I have ceased to
sing."

"Do you sing it out when you write?" asked Mr.
Oldbiegh.

"I think," said Mr. Quagg at this moment, " that the
poem is full of sentiment, and quite touching ; but I
don't understand how the fight terminated."

"No, sir," drawled the poet, "I don't think you do,
for the simple reason that the fight never commenced."

" Oh ! oh ! " said Mr. Quagg, " I did not understand.
I thought it was a battle in the clouds, fought by two
fiends for a lady who was dead."

"No, sir," said the poet, with contempt. "I don't
usually go to the infernal regions for my characters ! "

" Oh! oh ! " said Mr. Quagg, his face becoming as red
as the top of his head, while he gazed steadily at one
of the figures of the carpet on the floor.

" Never mind," said the Captain, whose kind heart
was touched by his embarrassment, " we'll hear from
Mr. Quagg now. He's considerable of a writer, and
I'll take my oath he's got a story stowed away in his
left coat-tail."

Mr. Quagg seemed to understand what was said, and
without a word he drew forth some yellow, time-stained
manuscript from his inside breast-pocket, and read as
follows :

"A TALE OF MISERY.

" That the world is filled with misery we all know.
It is around us and about us at all times. We do not
have to go back 'to the dark ages, to the time of the
Inquisition, to the time of the serf and the plumed

A LITERARY ENTEKTATTSTMKNT. 227

knight, to find slavery and oppression and tyranny. In
this land of freectom to-day, we hear the cries of the
poor who are the slaves of the rich. While ladies
dressed in silks and satins walk through the halls of
glittering palaces, their sister woman lies cold, shiver
ing and starving in the broken-down tenements of our
great cities. Men go footsore and weary over the
broad acres of moneyed men, listening to the weari
some click of those engines which deprive them of
work. And when they do receive work, how humbly
is it received !

" The one man is the abject slave of the other. He
dares not to speak his thoughts, and on his features he
dares to carry no look but one of humility, for fear his
children will be deprived of the scanty bread that they
eat. For bread he is a slave to the other, and the rich
man owns him, body and soul. Listen ! r-Can you hear
the laugh of the rich ? Can you hear the cries of the
oppressed? Let your ears become as keen as mine and
you will hear them borne on the night wind, and you
will hear them in the breeze of the morning.

"But to my tale. A number of years ago I was the
minister in a small church in San Francisco. I was a
young man then, and this was early in my career as a
minister of the Gospel. With my young wife I lived
in a little cottage, not far from what was then the
center of the city. I was ambitious and a hard student
in those days, and I was often kept in my study until
a late hour of the night ; and when I started for home,
my journey was through one of the worst portions of
the city ; and my heart was often filled with pity for

228 A LITERARY

the poor, wretched, degraded creatures I met on my
way. I felt compassion for their weary faces, sunken
cheeks and hollow eyes. And yet as the gaslight fell
on their faces a shudder came over me, for they were
my fellow men and women, formed in the likeness of
that mighty being who created the universe ; they were
human beings, human like myself. Like me they
could feel sorrow, love, affection, and yet how low had
they fallen. Each one had a past ; and what a history
was hidden behind those pale and weary faces ! I used
to look at them down in the dives, from which streamed
a flood of light, and I listened to the sounds of music
and revelry that came from those many homes of vice ;
and the strains of the fiddle and clarionet and the beat
of the piano seemed to my ear to be playing a march
to destruction and death.

" One night, as I passed a dark place on the street, I
saw the figure of a woman leaning against the stone
wall of a building. She was weeping, so I stopped
and went up to her. I found that she was young,
about sixteen or seventeen years of age. I asked her
what was the matter, but she did not answer. I took
her tenderly by the arm and led her with me. The
light falling through the shutters of a house that we
passed showed me that her face was one of surpassing
loveliness ; and as she looked up at me I saw that she
had a soft, gentle, dark eye. In a moment she stopped
and leaned against the wall again, and put her hands
up to her face and sobbed violently. I asked her as
gently as I could, what was the matter.

A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT. 229

" 4 Oh ! my God ! ' said she, c if I were only home !
home! home ! '

" ' Why don't you go home ? ' I asked.

" * Too late ! too late ! ' was the reply. 4 1 can never,
never go home again ! I am lost ! lost ! ' and then she
burst into sobs.

k ' I pat my hand tenderly on her shoulder, and in a
little while she was silent. She looked up and for
some moments gazed steadily across the street. I did
not break the silence. She seemed to be listening to
something. There was a sound of loud laughter in a
house not far away, and some one was playing a rapid
piece of music on a piano. I looked at the young girl's
gentle and beautiful face long and earnestly.

"'Do you know what the sound of that music says
to me?' she asked, with a shudder. 'It tells me that
all is lost. It is the funeral dirge to all my hopes.
They're all dead and that's the music over their grave !
It says that forever for me my father is dead, my
mother is dead, and my sweet little brother is dead. I
w.ill never see them again. It tells me that I am an
outcast, wretched, miserable ! Say, wouldn't it be a
mercy in God to kill me ? '

" It was pitiable to hear her.

" I learned that but a few weeks before she had
graduated at a female seminary and gone home, to the
home of her childhood in one of the Southern States.
A woman who had lived several years in the neighbor
hood of her home, and with whom her parents had
supposed they were well acquainted, had said that she
was going on a short visit to California, and suggested

230 A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT.

that it would be a good idea for them to let their
daughter go along with her. They had consented, and
the young girl had gone. She learned the character of
her companion too late. She was robbed of her money
and left in a strange city friendless. Knowing nothing
of business, she had gone from office to office seeking
employment, to learn the terms on which men assist a
helpless and defenseless woman. And then, when she
was desperate, her former companion came back to
tempt her. Had the young girl been a better woman
than she was, she would, perhaps, have been found
floating in the bay. As it was, she had given way to
the tempter. Men of the world will laugh at this story,
and say that it could not be. Men of the world find
it easy to laugh. I looked at the delicate and beautiful
form and at the pretty face, and I said : 4 Is this glori
ous piece of God's work to be destroyed, lost?' I
argued with her and tried to fill her with a gleam of
hope. Late in the night I left her, and she promised
to write home again. She had already written once,
but her father, who was a stern man, had not answered
her.

" The next day I was walking along the street with a
friend, when she passed me rapidly in the crowd. She
had a bundle under her arm, and when I caught her
eye there was a look on her face which showed that
she had complied with my request. As soon as I could
get away from my friend, I followed her, but I could
not catch sight of her again. About three weeks after
this I met her once more in the place where I had first
encountered her. I spoke to her, and on inquiring if

A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT. 231

she had heard from home, she showed me a letter which
her father had written to her. I read it by the light of
a street lamp. Oh! but it was cruel! A cruel and
harsh letter to come from a Christian father to a child
who was praying for forgiveness, and whose whole
hope in life depended upon his answer. It was full of
harsh condemnation, and wound up with the wish that
he should never see her face again. The dark eyes of
the girl were fixed on my face when I looked up from
the letter. 4 That ends it ! All is over now ! ' she said
with compressed lips. They were the last words I ever
heard her speak. A moment after she had gone into a
neighboring house.

" I was about to turn away, my mind filled with
melancholy thoughts, when I heard the startling report
of a pistol in the house she had entered. I rushed to
the place, and learned that one of two men who were
quarreling had fired the shot. As usual, it was an
innocent person who was injured, and this time it
proved to be the young girl who had just left me. She
was shot in the breast, and the blood from the wound
poured out so rapidly that a small pool was already on
the carpet by her side. I saw that she would be dead
in a few moments. She motioned the others away. I
went up to her and leaned over her, and when I took
her hand a faint smile came across her face. What a
pity that I was the only one to take that hand in such
an hour ! She looked in my face with a longing look.
She looked steadily in my face, as if she wanted to
speak ; but it was too late, for in an instant she was
dead. The room was perfectly silent. The two men

232 A LITK.RARY ENTERTAINMENT.

who had caused her death had gone out on the street.
But the sounds of music and the harsh laughter in the
neighboring houses still were heard. I looked at the
painted women standing around her, and then I looked
at the white, rigid face ; and I thought of what might
have been. I looked at the white lips that would never
speak again ; and I thought of. her father's harsh words.
But the heart that was breaking then had ceased to
beat, and it was too late now to speak the one word
that would have saved her. I looked at the dark eyes,
so expressionless now; there would be tears in them
no more. As I gazed sadly at her, I thought it was a
pity that so much youth and so much beauty were lost,
were dead. Lost for the want of one kind word ! For
the want of one kind word from her father, from her
mother at home, there she lay !

" Ah ! how many of the gentlest hearts are broken
for the want of that one kind word. Those who might
have been the best are those who are lost through its
absence. So it has always been, and so it will be again
long after we all lie down in the grave and moulder
to dust."

There were several moments of silence after the
little red-headed gentleman had finished reading his
MS, and had resumed his seat. Finally, with a lofty
wave of his hand, Mr. Oldbiegh broke the silence, and
said :

" That 'ar', though it ain't wrote for a reg'lar piece
of poetry to be printed in a gilt-edged poetry book
full of pictures, and though it ain't wrote for a reg'lar

A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT. 233

story to be printed nowhar', is better than them. It
touches a man's heart arter all 'till he's ready to boo-
hoo like a darned booby for the sweet little critter
what got killed ! It's the truth, and I'm ready to swar'
to it with one hand held up and the other planked
down on the Bible ! Bobbed ef I don't ! Beg pardon
for that 'ar swar' ; was tfcat a swar ? And any man
who says it aren't founded on truth, I'm ready to pitch
into him and whop him, till I've proved it's true, and
the darned varmin makes an acknowledgment of it all
in public ! The world is full of varmin, men and
women, which goes about ruinin' and destroyin' the
prettiest critters the sun's light shone onto ! And when
it's done, women with no heart and men who've lost
all the heart they ever had go ahead and keep them
down, because they won't never forgive them, and
won't assist them when they're a cryin' out for help.
I've seen a million of them cryin' out for help, often !
Let a darned varmin of a man," said Mr. Oldbiegh,
his great white vest swelling with emotion, "tell the
first lie about a woman and they all lie like hounds
about them and all in no time you see fifty other var
min pointing her out, and telling this lie, added to
others about her, and all in no time they're arter her ;
and though she's a good woman, for the reason they're
seen around her, her reputation is blarsted, and other
women shun her like a Chinee leper! Or it comes
about a million of other ways, partly because the rules
of society in relation to women aren't fair. Take the
case of that "ar' little critter who was shot dead. The
poor little gal was in a far-off land, a thousand miles

234 A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT.

from her home and her friends. All alone, and no
one to protect her. I'd a-liked to been by her side !
I'd a whopped her enemies, and I'd protected her, or
died whopping the varmin ! You see the gentle face,
and you see the dark eyes looking up and imploring
and begging for help ; but thar' warn't no help for her,
none in the world ! You see the poor little critter
a-writin' to her par for help; and you see the darned
varmin writin' back the shot that went to her heart.
Yes ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh, waving his broad arm, in
the intensity of his emotion, "and arter that you see
her whar ? Dead ! That's what comes of the letter
of that bloodless and heartless varmin, her par ! Thar
she lies, her dark eyes so soft, and her ashen face so
pale ! Thar's the end on it ; and now all that was so
purty, so beautiful, lies under the green sod of the
grave all alone ! All is still and silent for her. No
voice of mourning is heard over her grave, for there
aren't no one in the whole world who would weep for
the purty one. Though the whole world was standin'
around her grave like a vast army of darned varmins,
they would curse her. It's all wrong ! " said Mr. Old
biegh, slapping a table in his excitement. " It's too
harsh, and a man with the heart of a man will dare to
say so. God made her ! I'll be etarnally bobbed ! "
said Mr. Oldbiegh, "darned ef I don't! " and he wiped
his perspiring forehead with his red-bordered silk hand
kerchief.

" It's so ! " said the Captain, " and I'll shoot a hole
as big as a barn door in the first hound who says a
word against my daughters ! "

A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT. 235

" Captain," said Mrs. Grimyou, " this conversation
has. I think, gone far enough."

" Certainly," said the Captain, " and I'll shout the
hound with a blunderbuss and a three-ounce ball ! I'll
pepper his carcass ! Speaking of shooting," added the
Captain, " reminds me, Junius, of the melancholy
scenes of the war. Lord ! how the blood flowed in
those days ! You could hear it rushing down the hill
sides like the water of the Amazon river ; and the air
was actually darkened with pieces of cannon carriages,
cart wheels, and soldiers' legs, arms, and heads ! There
were many melancholy scenes, and some that were
amusing. During one of those fearful scenes of car
nage, I remember an amusing incident. The falling
substances, with which the air was darkened, had cov
ered up a young soldier who had been wounded ; and
supposing that the wound was mortal, he had lain
down. This, as the Major will tell you, was very fool
ish, for he was soon covered by a mass of falling mate
rial; while if he had continued moving this would not
have happened. As it was he was soon completely
hidden from view. "A number of officers were passing
by, myself among the rest, when a voice was heard
calling for its mother in a faint manner. We stopped
at once, but nothing was to be seen but a pile of man
gled substances, consisting of a dismounted cannon, a
number of stray arms and legs, and a few heads which
had been shot off during the battle. We listened and
the voice was heard again. A young lieutenant who
was with us swore that it came from a head lying on
the side of the pile, with auburn mutton-chop whiskers.

236 A LITERARY KNTKKTAINMENT.

We, of course, scouted such a monstrous idea, but the
lieutenant would have it that the voice came from the
head, and he swore it was so. Of course, we discov
ered the real cause in a short time. The young fellow,
when he was dragged out of the pile, was found to be
unhurt. The lieutenant was so put out because his
theory turned out to be untrue that he swore he'd have
the fellow shot for being off his post when on duty ! "

" I'd a-thought," said Mr. Oldbiegh, "he couldn't be
shot for so small a offense."

"In time of peace he couldn't," said the Captain,
"without the interference of the courts, but in time of
war so many men are being killed that one man's life
is no more than a flea bite, so that death is not consid
ered a severe punishment. In fact, when a man's shot,
the punishment is generally thought very light. Speak
ing about that reminds me of a curious thing. We
had a colonel in our regiment, early in the war, who
always ran when the enemy approached. This mor
tified him very much, for he was as brave as Julius
Caesar. In a little while he would come back, and after
that would be in the thickest of every charge. When
the battle was over he used to tell us that he had done
his best to keep from running, and that he had felt no
fear himself, but that his legs were blasted cowards,
and he couldn't keep them from running ! We didn't
believe this at first, but at last the truth of the state
ment was proved to us, for one day a cannon ball took
off both of his legs, and after that he had to be carried
into battle on the back of a soldier. No one ever saw
him running from the field of battle again, and he

A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT. 287

was always found in the thickest of every fight, and
proved to be the bravest man .in the army."

" The fact that he was not seen running from the
field of battle, after that," said Mrs. Grunyon, sarcas
tically, as she straightened up in her black silk dress,
"was possibly owing to the simple circumstance that
he was unable to run without legs. You will certainly
admit, Captain, that a man cannot run without legs !"

" No, madam," said the Captain, " I will make no
such monstrous admission."

"Say, Josie," said Nellie, who had been listening
with a look of profound interest on her face to the
stories which had been told, u say, Josie," said she,
" tell papa about the fight you had at your boarding-
school."

"What fight?" said the Captain, looking at her
severely under his shaggy e} T ebrows."

"Oh! it was nothing," said Josephine, blushing.

" Yes, it was," said the child ; " there was a big pillow
fight, and the girls put bootjacks and hard pieces of soap
and combs and brushes in the pillows to make them
hard ; and oh ! they had a great big fight, and one girl
hit Josie in the eye and made it black, and oh ! it made
Josie quit fighting, and it made her cry ! "

" Is that so ? " said the Captain, sternly ; " was there
a pillow row ? "

" Yes," said Josephine, timidly.

"They are a set of hoodlums and scrubs! " said the
Captain, ferociously. " And you were thwacked in
the eye ? "

" Yes," said Josephine.

238 A TJTERAKY ENTERTAINMENT.

" And then," said the Captain, " of course you got
her by the hair, threw her down, and got on top of her
and pummeled her in the eyes until she was com
pletely thrashed and surrendered?"

" No," said Josephine.

"What?" said the Captain, "you don't mean to say
that a daughter of mine was disgraced by being beaten
by a hoodlum ? "

"I just stopped," said Josephine.

" Pish ! I'm disgusted ! You should have died first !
You should have tweaked her nose ! You should have
gotten her by the throat. You should have bitten her
and torn her hair out till she was bald. Anything for
victory, and death before defeat."

"I see a pianner here," said Mr. Oldbiegh. "Who
is it that plays it?"

"Josephine," said the Captain, "go to the piano and
play." Josephine got up at once, went to the piano
and took a seat on the red-topped stool. " You see,"
said the Captain, " that there's no nonsense on the part
of my girls about playing. When a gentleman does
them the honor to ask them to play, they get up and
play till further orders. No dilly-dallying, no nausea
ting bashfulness and hideous lies about not knowing
how, being out of practice, and all that rot. They
don't wait for every gosling in the room to ask them
forty-three times apiece to c play, oh ! anything ! ' but
they pitch in at once, like ball-terriers, and bang away
at the piano like a house afire ! "

"That 'ar's the correct way," said Mr. Oldbiegh,

A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT. 239

"for the other way spoils the music what's to come
arterwards."

" That's the reason I married Mrs. Gruriyon," said
the Captain. "The old man passed his ten daughters
in review before me, and I picked her out because she
obeyed orders when she was asked to play on the piano
with the promptness of an orderly sergeant. And I
found out afterwards that she was possessed of all the
qualities of a soldier ! "

The young lady played a piece of "classical music."
She commenced playing lightly at the treble and came
thundering down to the bass. With the left hand in
the air like a hawk waiting to pounce down on its prey,
she went rapidly up to the treble with the other. Her
right and left hands then took an even start from the
treble and had an exciting race for the bass, the left
hand coming in ahead ; then both hands took a violent
jump for the centre of the piano and came down to
gether with a bang. They both then playfully scamp
ered off for the treble ; they both then made an aston
ishing jump together for the bass, and came down with
such a thump that all the keys of the bass seemed to
have been set off together. After. this it was impossi
ble to see what they were doing, but by the sound it
seemed as if there was a perfect stampede amongst the
bass notes, and as if they were about to leave the prem
ises forever, with now and then a yelp from a solitary
treble note ; and after that it seemed as if all the notes
had entered into violent and mortal combat, and the
young lady was punching the heads of the notes with
both fists in a furious manner, and in deadly earnest-

!240 A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT.

ness, acting apparently as the ally of one side or the
other, when the mnsic suddenly ceased with one grand
explosion.

" They play those pieces to show off the skill in
fingering," said the Captain. "Now, Josie, give us
some music."

"What shall I play': "

"Play 'We- Won't go Home 'till Morning,' " said
Mrs. Grunyon.

"Play something from old Bobbie Burns," said the
Captain.

His daughter played " Bonnie Doon." The Captain
in a hoarse voice soon commenced to sing, while he
kept time with his wooden leg. After this the Captain
got her to play "The Irish Emigrant's Lament," " Ben
Bolt," "Robin Rough," and later a number of negro
melodies in which everybody present joined, including
Mr. Oldbiegh, whose strains were often heard out of
time and far above the rest.

" Now," said the Captain, finally, " we'll have l Auld
Lang Syne,' " and while it was being sung he hobbled
around the room, with a smile on his face, shaking
hands with all the rest. Late at night the party re
tired to their respective couches.

AN ELOPEMENT AND AN ARREST. 241

CHAPTER VIII.

AN ELOPEMENT AND AN ARREST.

MR. OLDBIEGH had in his rough nature the
elements of a poet, although the reader may not
have had occasion to note the fact, or to put it another
\vay, so that the reader may understand me more clearly,
Mr. Oldbiegh's nature was a poetical nature. Like all
men with poetical natures, Mr. Oldbiegh was a truly
Food man. He had none of those wicked traits found
in men outside of the brotherhood of writers. Oh !
reader, are you good? As good as a writer? Then
you can appreciate Mr. Oldbiegh's better and loftier
nature. Oh! gentle reader, are you a blackleg? Do
you drink to excess? Do you, gentle reader, perform
many vile and wicked acts? Do you, gentle reader,
allow wicked, sinful and naughty thoughts to lurk in
your brain? Are you a politician or a highwayman?
Do you, gentle reader, ever come with the rest of the
" madding crowd " to public offices to beg for donations
to public festivals, church fairs and for the liquidation
of church mortgages? If any of these or all of these
things are true of you, gentle reader, you cannot
appreciate the poetical instincts and purer nature of
Mr. Oldbiegh.

Mr. Oldbiegh was in sympathy with all nature. He
loved what, by the use of a hackneyed expression, may
be called " the beautiful." If he had had his own way
there would have been no misery and no suffering in
the world but he would not have prevented it by
15

242 AN ELOPEMENT AND AN ARREST.

liquidating church mortgages; and if by acting the
part of a Knight Errant, he could have succored the
oppressed and punished wrong-doers, you would have
seen him, gentle reader, incessantly galloping over
the world, holding to the pummel of his saddle with
both hands, and stopping ever and anon to chastise a
giant or protect some innocent female. For amongst a
few of the peculiar traits of Mr. Oldbiegh's character
was an intense love for female society.

Mr. Oldbiegh found everything beautiful in the world.
Anything from a blade of grass to a sunflower was beau
tiful in his eyes. Anything from a tadpole to a levia
than. Mr. Oldbiegh was also a happy man because he
was boM and courageous; for he feared neither the past,
the present nor the future.

Mr. Oldbiegh was standing at the open window of
his bed-room at the hour of eleven at night, his poetical
ears drinking in with rapture the sweet music made by
a congregation of frogs, which were croaking in the
vicinity of a slimy pond about one hundred yards from
the house. Mr. Oldbiegh was, indeed, happy as he lis
tened to the voices of these innocent creatures ; and a
smile of satisfaction spread slowly over his broad coun
tenance as he heard the unending " ricket ! ricket !
ricket ! " of the frogs.

" What a set of critters they are, arter all ! " said Mr.
Oldbiegh to himself, as a train of philosophical thoughts
passed through his brain. " They don't have no trouble,
because they don't have no business cares, and none of
'em are married. They're all old bachelors, arter all !
They don't have to wear no clothes ; they don't have

AN ELOPEMENT AND AN ARREST. 243

no law-suits and jails; they don't have no wars; and
all they do is sing! What a happy critter a frog is,
arter all ! "

While these profound meditations were passing
through Mr. Oldbiegh's brain, another sound suddenly
attracted his attention. It was the low murmur of
human voices. On listening more closely, it seemed to
him that the voices proceeded from a clump of trees
about fifty feet distant. The longer he listened the
more vivid grew his imagination, and strange doubts
assailed him. One of the voices rose every little while
into an impassioned strain. He (for Mr. Oldbiegh felt
convinced that it was a man) seemed to be urging some
other person to the performance of some act. Who
were they? That was the question. Mr. Oldbiegh
thought that every one in the house must have retired
to rest. Were they robbers, and was the bolder of the
two urging the timid one on? The longer Mr. Old
biegh listened to the impassioned tone of the first
speaker and to the low objections of the other, the more
certain was he that mischief was brewing. People who
had a good end in view did not require such impassioned
urging. Mr. Oldbiegh thought it best not to wake
anybody in the house, for he might be wrong after all,
but concluded to go out alone and make an examina
tion into the matter. He therefore placed a five-shooter
in the rear pocket of his pantaloons, and with a bowie-
knife in his left hand for Mr. Oldbiegh was left-handed
went down to the front door, quietly turned the lock
back and walked out. It was a beautiful moonlight
night, and the incessant chant of the frogs seemed to

244 AN ELOPEMENT AND AN ARREST.

have grown louder and more shrill, and the particular
song they were singing at that moment appeared to be
unusually wild and weird. Mr. Oldbiegh stood on the
porch and listened. A single cock, miscalculating the
hour, crowed in the distance. A number of other
wakeful cocks thereupon followed his example. This
set off a train of dog barks and in an instant dogs were
barking all over the neighborhood. A sickly calf now
added its bleat to the general uproar, and for many
moments Mr. Oldbiegh could not hear the voices which
he had heard when in his room. However, the sounds
slowly passed away and again he distinguished the mys
terious murmurings; but this time they seemed to be
back of the house. Mr. Oldbiegh went on his toes down
the steps to the ground, and then walked toward the
left side of the house. The sounds seemed to have
changed their location again. There was something
very strange about this! But the mystery was soon
explained. On looking around the corner, Mr. Oldbiegh
saw something which induced him to suddenly draw his
head back. The soft rays of the moon, falling full on
that side of the house, displayed the interesting head of
Miss Maud Glennon reaching out of the window of her
room, which was on the upper floor of the dwelling,
while standing by a rose-bush beneath, with his face
turned upward and the palm of his hand over his heart,
was Mr. Judson C. Muggs. Being nothing of an eaves
dropper, Mr. Oldbiegh at once returned to his chamber.
" Did you hear anything then ? " asked Miss
Glennon. "I'm frightened to death; we shall be
discovered ! "

AN ELOPEMENT AND AN ARREST. 245

" What did you hear ? " asked Mr. Mnggs.

" I don't know," said Miss Glennon, " but I think
it was something behind the house. Do go and see."

" It must have been the cat, love," said Mr. Muggs.

He went behind the house and made his way through
a doorway into a place with green lattice walls, where
the milk pans were usually kept. He groped about in
this place, calling, " poos ! poos ! " in a low voice.
Suddenly he upset a stack of empty pans, which fell
to the wooden floor with a fearful clatter. Mr. Muggs
expressed himself in such poetical terms that they will
not bear repetition. The noise seemed to wake nobody.
Returning to his position beneath the window, he
informed the young lady that there was no cause for
fear.

They now entered into a vigorous conversation and
as their whispered language was composed chiefly of
pet names for one another, of loving expressions and
vows of eternal fidelity whatever that means the
reader shall not be punished with them.

The scene was quite a striking one. There was the
young lady leaning out of the window, her eyes filled
with a soft expression which denoted passionate love,
the moonlight falling on her yellow locks, for, in order
to improve the color of her hair, she had lately washed
her head in water with soda in it. There were the
great oak trees, not far away, their leaves forming a
checkered shadow on the ground ; and a little further
off was a white picket fence. There was the swing
hanging from a limb of one of the largest trees ; and
there were the dead oak leaves covering the ground.

246 A3* ELOPEMENT AND AN ARREST.

The dark hills behind the house formed a gloomy back
ground. There was the moon in the sky, and there
was Mr. Judson C. Muggs beneath the window. His
long locks were resting calmly on his shoulders, and
there was a curious shadow of his head, his bob-tail
brown velvet coat and his tight-fitting pants, the
shadow being partly on the wall of the house and
partly on the ground.

" Oh ! " said Mr. Muggs, " I could never love another
woman like I love you."

" He ! He ! " said Miss Glennon. " I know you say
that to every young lady. Can't you say something
just for me alone ? "

" Upon my honor as a gentleman, drawled Mr.
Muggs, " I may have loved, but never like this ! Oh !
there is an intensity in this passion ! " said he, placing
his palm on the centre of his chest, "that lacerates my
heart that tears it to shreds!" He now uttered a
loud sigh. The young lady uttered a fierce sigh in
response. " Your eyes first seized upon my heart 'and
took it captive, for they are more charming than
violets ! "

" Oh ! " said Miss Glennon, " did you never say that
to any other woman ? "

"No, I swear it," said the poet.

" Oh ! this is too sweet ! too sweet ! " said the young
lady. " Oh ! that these blessed moments could only
last forever ! " she added, rolling up her eyes to heaven.

" Oh ! that they could, that they could ! " responded
the more masculine voice of Mr. Muggs.

kt Oh ! " said the young lady, again rolling up her

AN ELOPEMENT AND AN ARREST. 247

eyes, " this is too sweet ! too sweet ! You don't talk
like other men. No young girl could resist you. I
pity them if they know you, for you would inspire
such agony of love in their breasts!"

" Yarse," drawled Mr. Muggs.

" Oh ! what an intellectual head you have got ! what
a towering intellect !" said the young lady. " How
proud your mother must have been of you ! And you
will be mine forever?"

" Forever and for aye," said Mr. Muggs.

"And you say that I must do it? That I must fly
with you?"

" Yarse," drawled Mr. Muggs, " we must both fly
together."

" And it must be right away ? "

" Yarse," said the poet.

"Oh! my poor dear little pa, how he will foam!"
said the young lady.

"Yarse," drawled .Mr. Muggs, "he will foam."
"But, come; time flies, and we must hurry, dawling!"

The young lady's head disappeared from the window.
Mr. Muggs went around to the front of the house and
sat on the steps. It had been arranged that he and
the romantic young lady were to go to Oakland early
the next morning before anybody in the house was up ;
go thence to San Francisco and from there go by way
of Cloverdale to Lakeport, and, on the shores of Clear
Lake and beneath the shadow of the mountain called
Uncle Sam, be united in wedlock. This plan had been
partly changed when it was learned that Mrs. Grunyon
and some other members of the family were to take the

248 AN ELOPKMENT AND AN ARREST.

carriage and go to Oakland early in the morning, in
time to catch the first train for San Francisco, where
they were invited to spend the day with some friends.
Instead, therefore, of waiting until morning before
starting, Mr. Muggs and Miss Glennon had concluded
to start at once. In a few moments the young lady
appeared on the porch, dressed in a circular cloak
bordered with fur. She held her hands in a muff and
wore a turban hat with a red feather in it. She
trembled a good deal as she took the arm of Mr.
Muggs, and stopped at the front gate to weep for three
or four minutes The experience of Mr. Muggs taught
him to say nothing at this moment. She started back
for the house four times ; she laughed hysterically a
number of times, but finally went straight ahead. In
due course they reached Oakland, and the following
morning continued on their journey.

The next morning all the remaining ladies in the
house arose early and started for San Francisco. They
had urged Miss Glennon to go with them the night
before, but she had refused. Mrs. Grunyon had then
told her she would not go herself, but on being urgently
requested they had all made up their minds to go, with
the exception of Josephine, who, after attending to the
marketing, was to return home.

At about ten minutes before the breakfast hour, Mr.
Oldbiegh and Captain Grunyon were sitting alone
together in the library.

" Oldbiegh," said the Captain, suddenly, " what is
Muggs ? What do you think of him ? "

AN ELOPEMENT AND AN ARREST. 249

" I s'pose he's a pretty good writer," said Mr. Old-
biegh.

"No, no," said the Captain; "is he a sly dog?"

" I think he are," replied Mr. Oldbiegh.

" I don't like to speak ill of a guest," said the Cap
tain, " but if old friends can't talk there's no use for
language. I think he's an oily dog! But keep this
opinion a profound secret, for while he is in my house,
even if he were Satan in disguise, as my guest I would
treat him with profound courtesy and show him every
attention."

As Mr. Glerinon now appeared the conversation was
dropped. They went in to breakfast.

" Maud is lying abed, I suppose," said Mr. Glennon,
in a disgusted tone.

" Never mind," said the Captain, " she'll probably be
here in a moment."

After waiting a little while Mr. Glennon insisted
that they should go ahead with the breakfast, but the
Captain insisted on waiting until the young lady ap
peared. A girl was sent to rap at her door. She came
back with the report that there was no answer, but
said she thought it probable that Miss Glennon and
Mr. Muggs had gone off for a morning walk, as the
gentleman's hat was not on the rack.

The party sat down to breakfast, and had just
finished, when the servant brought a letter she had
found in the missing young lady's room to Mr. Glen
non. When he read it, the little man became so greatly
affected by emotion that he could not speak, and the
Captain, thinking he was choking to death, and mean-

250 AN ELOPEMENT AND AN ARREST.

ing to throw a glass of water in his face, in his excite
ment picked up a glass of milk instead and threw that.
As this did not appear to cure him at once, Mr.
Oldbiegh and the Captain both proceeded to pummel
him in the back with such violence that he was restored
with wonderful rapidity ; and the slapping on the back
was given with such good-will, in their anxiety to re
store him, that the little man's ire was aroused, and,
forgetting himself for the moment, he broke out into
violent abuse of them both. For this he apologized
when the stinging sensation passed away, and his wrath
ful expressions were turned against the " wretched
girl " and the poet. The three gentlemen now dis
cussed the situation, but could arrive at no conclusion
as to where the birds had flown. Mr. Glennon's nerves
were in such a state that the Captain forced him to
take a wine-glass of raw brandy, which he said was
good for the nerves. Mr. Glennon had just swallowed
this medicine when a chambermaid appeared at the
door of the library, to which the gentlemen had retired,
with a sealed letter, which she had found in the young
lady's room. It was one Miss Glennon had written to
an old schoolmate the night before, and which she had
intended to deposit with her own hands in the post-
office at Oakland, but in her hurry she had forgotten
it. Mr. Glennon opened it and read as follows :

" DEAR MARY : Feeling that I must have some one
to confide in in such a moment, I write to you, you
dear, sweet girl I By the time this reaches you I shall
be a wife ! Think of my feelings, in consequence, at

AN ELOPEMENT AND AN ARREST. 251

this instant! I will have thrown up the follies of
girlhood and be a dignified matron ! Just think of it,
you dear girl ! You can imagine that my feelings are
in a sort of tumult. How envious the other girls will
be of me and my Judson ! Girlhood will be past then !
Oh ! Mary, when I think of our schooldays at the
Seminary, it seems so strange. Everything seems as if
nothing was real. I don't know what pa will do ! He
will jump all about and be frantic and cause such a
scene! It makes me sad to think of the past. Oh!
if you were only here to sustain me at this important
juncture, for I have no mother. My Judson is, of
course, good, but he's not a woman. You will forgive
me, Mary that's a dear. My girlhood seems so
childish when I am about to take this serious step
and it is so serious! What pleasant times we used to
have at school ! (Why is it that my mind will con
tinue to dwell on the past?) How, when the vacations
were over, the girls returned with two or three trunks
apiece, all filled with chicken, jelly and cakes, and
what midnight suppers we had, huddled about the floor
in our nightgowns and bare feet! Do you remember
one girl who brought a live chicken in her trunk which
crowed on the way up stairs, and we were found out?
Do you also remember our young men cousins who
used to come and see us, and make jokes about what
we had to eat? They said the butter was alive, walked
about the table, had hair on its head, and fought a duel
with the hash ! Weren't they funny? But I'm about
to pass from such scenes to the awful solemnity of the
marriage state. In two days I shall be my husband's

252 AN ELOPEMENT AND AN ARREST.

wife ! Think of that, Mary dear, and he's just too
sweet ! Yet I feel fearfully afraid somehow. But my
Judson is standing at the window. Isn't it kind in
him? He's just too good for anything ! Well, we are
going to have the most romantic marriage in the world !
We are going up to Clear Lake, and will be married on
the water "

"Hold!" interrupted Captain Grunyon. "What
o'clock is it?" All the other gentlemen jerked their
watches out of their pockets. " We have just time,"
added the Captain, "to reach the train, if we make a
rapid charge for Oakland. As Mrs. Grunyon has gone
off with the carriage, we'll have to go on horseback.
Thunder and blood ! Cats and fish ! " cried he, sud
denly.

"What's the matter?" asked Mr. Glennon, very
much excited.

" Why," said the Captain, " there are four of us and
only three horses on the place, and they're such a God
forsaken lot of plugs that it makes a man sick to look
at them ! "

"Can't you borrow another?" inquired Major
Hawkins.

" Not without going a mile, the distance to the
nearest farm but Oldwhistle's, and then we'd miss our
chance to start for Cloverdale this afternoon."

Of course it wouldn't have been of any use to ask
Mr. Old whistle for a horse, even if the Captain was
willing to do so, for he would refuse. Here was a di
lemma. The Captain suddenly remembered that the

AN ELOPEMENT AND AN ARREST. 253

butcher boy usually came around in his cart at about
that time, so they walked into the kitchen to find out
whether he had been there. They found he had just
left, and hurried down through the grounds in the hope
that they might catch him. They were, however, too
late. The negro boy who worked for Mr. Oldwhistle
was seen passing at this moment. When asked if the
butcher had been to Mr. Oldwhistle's, the boy replied
that Mr. Oldwhistle was not at home, and that the
butcher would not call that day. The gentlemen were
near the border line of the two places when a white
horse of a lean and bony appearance, with a mournful
countenance, was seen under a tree on Mr. Oldwhistle's
grounds, apparently attempting to commit suicide by
strangulation, in order to terminate its sad existence,
for it had wound its rope around the tree until its head
was within a foot of it.

Captain Grunyon gazed at the beast with meditative
eyes for some moments ; then he suddenly exclaimed :
" I have it ! I will steal this plug and have it returned
before Oldwhistle gets back ! As it is the tamest look
ing steed I ever saw in my life by large odds, Oldbiegh
shall ride it, and we'll be off! "

Being a man of action rather than words, the Captain
drew a pruning-knife from his pocket, cut the rope
which held the horse, and led it, followed by the other
three gentlemen, to the stable. The horse was now
discovered to be blind in one eye. The Captain's three
nags were brought to the stable, and were as sorry a
looking lot as the first. The largest one, a white horse,
was covered with mud. Another was of a variegated

254 AN ELOPEMENT AND AX ARREST.

white and black color, and the third, while it had the
body of a large animal, was stunted in growth, which
made it look as if about one foot in height had been
sawed off its legs. The Captain concluded to ride
this nag.

The horses were soon saddled and bridled and each
rider provided with sharp Mexican spurs. The Captain
after looking at his watch doubted whether the} 7 could
make the train. After telling his companions that they
would have to ride as if they were riding for their
lives, he mounted. He said he would take the lead as
he had a spur on one side to urge along his horse and
a wooden leg on the other, while the rest of the
company had spurs only. The Major mounted his
animal with alacrity, Mr. Glennon mounted his rather
slowly and Mr. Oldbiegh mounted his with great care
and circumspection. He then wriggled himself into a
comfortable position and grasped the pummel of his
saddle firmly with both hands.
' " Ready ? " asked the Captain.

"Whop 'em up!" cried Mr. Oldbiegh, running his
spur into his steed.

One of the farm hands threw the gate open and they
started on a gallop down the road. The Captain's
short-legged animal went up and down like a hobby
horse. Both the Captain's legs were working in earnest.
It was splendid exercise. With his wooden leg he was
beating one side of the animal and with his spur he
was spurring it on. His circular cloak was soon flying
in the wind behind him. Next came the Major on a
white horse. He had a whip in his hand with which

AN ELOPEMENT AND AN ARREST. 255

he incessantly lashed the animal, while in addition he
used his spur vigorously. Next came Mr. Glennon,
whose horse needed little urging, and, strange to say,
the nag ridden by Mr. Oldbiegh seemed to be the best
of all, for without being urged by the spur, it passed
the others and took the lead. As the animals got
warmed up, they went ahead with astonishing speed
for such horses. It was a beautiful sight to notice the
violent exertions made by the riders to increase this
speed. It was very interesting to note the pretty
curves of the Major's whip and the muscular move
ments of the Captain's legs, but more interesting to see
Mr. Oldbiegh, with his hands firmly clasped to the
pummel, rising and falling in his seat, as he kept in the
lead ; and it was also interesting to witness the astonish
ment of the pedestrians and of people looking over their
front gates at seeing the four gentlemen fly past like a
whirlwind, enclosed in a cloud of dust. I leave the
reader to imagine the shouts uttered by the Captain in
his wild excitement ; suffice it to say that the party
reached the station in time to catch the desired train.
Passing from Oakland they went to San Francisco,
and from there they started, by way of Cloverdale, for
Lakeport, a town situated on the shore of Clear Lake.
On the cars for Cloverdale, Mr. Glennon, in a melan
choly state of mind, held his head out of the window
until his eyes were so filled with cinders that he was
compelled to take it in. The other three gentlemen, out
of respect to their companion's feelings, up to this time
had been very quiet. However, all of a sudden it was
discovered that the Captain had a pack of cards in his

256 AN KLOPFMENT AND AN ARREST.

hands which he was shuffling. How they got there or
where they came from is not known, but there they were.
Mr. Oldbiegh, Major Hawkins and Captain Grunyon,
with solemn expressions on their faces, were soon en
gaged in examining the hands which they held before
them, and in dexterously throwing down their cards
with a triumphant air, upon a table composed of their
knees and the Captain's circular cloak. In the mean
time Mr. Glennon entertained himself by picking the
cinders out of his eyes. As this was a painful process
and as he connected the cinders in some way with " the
wretched girl " and with the poet, he held quite a con
tinuous and violent conversation with himself, graced
ever and anon with an oratorical flourish, about those
two delinquents.

" The world's a vile world," said he, suddenly, to
himself; "there's no good in it! "

" What's that 'ar' ? " said Mr. Oldbiegh, looking up
from his cards, for he thought he was speaking to him.

" The world grows worse every day," said the little
man, rubbing his red eyes with his handkerchief. " No
man can trust his own daughter, the world is so bad.
The first thing he knows, now-a-days, she gets up in
the middle of the night and runs away with a dish
rag!"

" Oh I cheer up and be hearty ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh ;
" we'll catch up with them afore they're married ! "

"Flesh of my flesh, bone of my bone and blood of
my blood running off with a dish rag! Oh! I won't
have it! " suddenly shrieked the little man so that he
was heard all over the car.

AN ELOPEMENT AND AN ARREST. 257

" Hush, man ! " said the Captain. " You're worse
than a hysterical female. Don't be a fool act like a
soldier, sir ! Take a hand in this game of cards. Stop
your squealing and keep a bold face ! "

Arriving at Cloverdale, they learned that the pair
had hired a two-horse carriage and gone ahead about a
couple of hours before. The gentlemen ate a hasty
dinner and hired a regular four-horse stage coach, the
only vehicle they could get at once, and started in pur
suit. They had four sinewy and wild mustangs to
drag them and a man for a driver who was considered
to be the best on the road. The coach had an iron
railing around the top, a place for trunks behind, and
was on thick leather springs. It was painted red and
a picture of a castle was on the door. The yellow
wheels were heavy and strong. The four passengers
got inside ; the door was shut ; the driver mounted to
the top and cracked his long whip ; the four mustangs
started on a gallop and away they rolled. At every
rough place the coach rocked backwards and forwards
on its leather springs, so that the road was not percep
tible to the passengers. As the driver was to be well
paid if the runaways were overtaken, the crack of the
long whip was constantly heard. For several miles
they passed over ground covered with gravel, being in
the neighborhood of volcanic regions. In due course
they were climbing up the mountains with yawning
canons hundreds of feet deep at the side of the road.
They now passed into heavily timbered regions, and
mountain ridges to the side of them and ahead of them>
covered with a blue haze, were visible.
16

258 AN ELOPEMENT AND AN ARREST.

About this time the Captain was suddenly observed
to be sitting in an erect position, clasping a flask of
whisky with both hands. This pathetic little incident
is related for the purpose of showing what married
men do when they escape from the dread supervision
of their spouses. If I have caused a pain to pass
through the heart of any of the gentler sex by the
relation, it will give me profound pleasure to make
amends by an humble apology. The gentlemen, with
the exception of Mr. Glennon, now began to enjoy the
excitement of the ride immensely. The green foliage
of the trees was pleasing to the eye and the cool moun
tain air was delicious. Mr. Oldbiegh's heart often rose
in his mouth when, in making a sudden turn in the
road, the wheels of the coach came within six inches
of a yawning precipice. They had just started down
the hill from the top of a high ridge, when the driver
shouted! something which the passengers did not under
stand. On looking out Mr. Oldbiegh saw, away down
below them and about a mile ahead, a carriage half
hidden by the trees, moving slowly along the road. A
few hundred yards further on the coach stopped and
six fresh mustangs replaced the four jaded animals.

" Do you think it was them ? " asked Mr. Oldbiegh,
of the driver, who was holding a bucket of water to
the front horses.

"Sure of it," said the driver. "All aboard!" The
gentlemen piled in. " There they go ! " added the
driver, who was just about to mount to his seat.
44 They've taken wind of us. Blasted sly fellow, that

AN ELOPEMENT AND AN ARREST. 259

long-haired chap ! He's been taking your picture with
a spy-glass," said he, mounting to his seat.

The carriage in the distance was moving rapidly, and
probably the driver's assertion was true.

"Why couldn't you keep out of sight?" said Mr.
Glennon, petulantly to the Captain, who had been
standing at the edge of the highway, a splendid mark
for the spy-glass of the fugitive.

They went rumbling and bouncing down the road,
the continuous grating of the brake being heard, and
a cloud of dust rose up to cover the leaves of the red
madrona trees on the side of the highway. In the
course of an hour they were within a quarter of a mile
of the fugitives. On making a turn in the road the
driver leaned over the side of the vehicle and shouted
that another coach was in pursuit. On looking back,
the passengers saw the coach with six horses tearing
down the mountain. Many were, the conjectures as to
the cause of this. Mr. Glennon was disposed to believe
that because of the especial wickedness of the world at
that particular period some other daughter had run
away and some other unhappy father was following
her. As they approached closer to the carriage, not
withstanding the dust thrown up by the wheels, the
four gentlemen all had their heads out of the window,
two at each side. In consequence, their heads were
soon coated with dust, but this did not prevent Mr.
Oldbiegh from shouting, " Whop 'em up ! " which he
now did incessantly, while various wild shouts were
heard from the Captain, and Mr. Glennon, as they drew
nearer, fairly shrieked imprecations at the poet and

260 AN ELOPEMENT AND AN AfcREST.

the "wretched girl." As the road wound down the
mountain, there was a place where, upon looking up^
the gentlemen saw the coach in pursuit. This coach
was about one hundred and fifty feet directl}- above
them and was now moving in a direction opposite to
theirs. As he gazed Captain Grunyon discovered the
face of Mr. Oldwhistle, his enemy, at the window. His
appearance could not be accounted for on the ground
that he had a runaway daughter, for he was an old
bachelor and consequently had no daughters. The
important question, therefore, arose why was he also
engaged in such a violent and persistent race. Mr.
Glennon did not care to take the trouble to try to
answer this question. The Captain tried to answer
it, but failed in the attempt, and the Major gave it up,
when Mr. Oldbiegh said :

"It couldn't have nothing to do with the white horse
with the blind eye ? "

" That's it," said the Captain ; u the little wretch is
after us for horse stealing ! He's got an idea in his
miserable head that here's a good chance to bother us.
If he attempts to arrest us, I'll skin him alive ! "

All three vehicles were in line now and not far apart ;
the drivers were cracking their whips over their horses'
heads ; clouds of dust were rolling up, and pursuers
and pursued were moving along at furious speed and
turning bends in the road at a rate that threatened to
upset the vehicles. Out of th%windows of the coaches
the dusty heads of a number of very excited gentlemen
were seen, who were shouting vociferously, Mr. Old
biegh among the rest waving his hat in the air and

AN ELOPEMKNT AND AN ARREST. 261

yelling, " Whop 'em up," and while the Captain shook
his fist defiantly at his pursuers, who threatened to fire
unless he came to a halt. Mr. Glennon was shaking
his fist at the front carriage in which was the poet with
his arm around Miss Glennon. In the other hand the
poet held the reins, and the splendid horses he drove
were covered with foam. The hindmost coach now
began to fall further and further behind, and in the
course of fifteen minutes was out of sight. The coach
containing Captain Grunyon and his companions was
gradually gaining on the carriage ahead of them. In
a little while they were alongside of each other. Mr.
Glennon, his body half way out of the window, was
yet shaking his fist at Mr. Muggs, when that person
pointed a pistol at his nose, and the irate father sud
denly disappeared from view, sinking to the bottom of
the coach. Mr. Muggs ordered the four gentlemen to
fall behind and give up the chase ; he threatened to
riddle them with bullets if they did not obey his orders.
He would, perhaps, have ordered the driver to desist if
he had dared to take his pistol off the four companions.
A counsel of war was hastily called in the coach, and
the Captain suggested as a strategic move that while
he, Mr. Oldbiegh and Mr. Glennon remained at the
window next to the carriage to hide his movements, the
Major should climb out of the opposite window on the
roof of the coach, take his pistol with him and get the
"drop" on Mr. Muggs. This movement was rapidly
executed, and the Major, while lying flat on the top of
the roof, covered the body of Mr. Muggs and threatened
to, kill him unless he threw his weapon to the ground.

262 AN ELOPEMENT AND AN ARREST.

Mr. Muggs refused, but when the Major proceeded to
take very deliberate aim at him, in order not to harm
the young lady, the poet, seeing he was in earnest, cast
his weapon down and when ordered to stop drew up the
horses. Both vehicles now stopped and everybody got
out. Miss Glennon had been perfectly silent during
the whole race, except when Mr. Muggs had levelled his
weapon at her father, whereupon she had uttered one
of those piercing shrieks peculiar to females; but other
wise she was calm and self-possessed. The horses of
both vehicles were covered with dust and sweat and
were trembling from the effects of their run. The
gentlemen were also covered with dust, and the long
hair of Mr. Muggs was so filled with that material that
its color seemed to have changed. The faces of all,
including that of Miss Glennon, were as black as if
they had been negroes.

The Captain now proposed to throw up breastworks
and resist the approaching enemy, but his friends in
duced him to submit to arrest, as nothing could possibly
come of it. In a little while the other coach came
thundering down upon them. Mr. Oldwhistle and two
officers alighted and arrested the Captain for stealing-
Mr. Oldwhistle's blind charger. The opinions which
Captain Grunyon expressed in regard to the proceed
ing will not bear repetition, for fear my lady readers
might take offense.

The procession homeward was, indeed, a melancholy
one for some of the party, and the small mind of Mr.
Oldwhistle led him to annoy the Captain in many
petty ways. For example, when, upon reaching a clear

AN ELOPEMENT AND AN ARREST. 263

mountain stream, Major Hawkins, Mr. Oldbiegh, Mr.
Glennon, Mr. Muggs and Miss Glennon got out of their
coach and washed the dust from their faces, in order to
present a respectable appearance when they entered
Cloverdale, Mr. Oldwhistle would not consent to have
his coach stopped that the Captain might wash, but
compelled him to ride into Cloverdale begrimed as
he was. In many other small ways did this small man
annoy the Captain's loftier nature.

They reached Oakland, and before the day of trial
Mr. Oldwhistle's lawyers, by representing to him that
the case could never be sustained, and that it would
only injure him in public estimation if he continued to
prosecute, induced him to consent to the dismissal of
the charge, and it was dismissed. The Captain there
upon filed a complaint against Mr. Old whistle for
malicious prosecution, setting the damages at fifty
thousand dollars. Mr. Muggs postponed further pro
ceeding to some future day, and thus happily terminated
another of those exciting incidents which marked the
career of that truly great man, Junius Oldbiegh. We
would pause here to remark that his career was but
another example to show that although genius may
make a man great for a moment, yet it dazzles and
passes away, while profounder qualities, like those of
Mr. Oldbiegh, last for all time. And what is genius,
after all, unless it be a combination of those sterling
qualities which Mr. Oldbiegh possessed ?

264 AT WOODWARD'S GARDENS.

CHAPTER IX.

AT WOODWARD'S GARDENS.

A FEW days subsequent to the proceedings just
related, Mr. Oldbiegh was seated in the smoking-
room of Captain Grunyon's house, after a delicious
breakfast of eggs, coffee, light rolls, fresh home-made
butter, milk, cream and fruits of several kinds. He was
feeling those delightful sensations of pleasure produced
by a hearty meal, and though he spoke little, yet the
soft smile on his round features said volumes and the
gentle expression in his large blue eyes showed him to
be happy. The fact that his legs were crossed, the
heavy calf of the left being thrown over the right, fur
nished additional evidence of his happiness, for in this
position a man is seldom found when in a state of rage.
Mr. Oldbiegh was enjoying one of those moments when
the sunshine of life, for a brief space unobscured by
any dark cloud, fell full upon him, and as he sat he was
"a fit subject for an artist's pencil," as some profound
writer has observed. But "pleasures are like poppies
spread ; you seize the flower, its bloom is shed," as has
been written by the gentlest of all poets ; and so it was
with Mr. Oldbiegh. His pleasure was like a poppy and
its bloom was shed as soon as he read a letter, bearing
upon the subject of " the two-forty widdyer," from Mr.
Geseign, which recalled to his mind the fact that he
must be making preparations for the criminal prosecu
tion which was to come off in a short time. Mr,

AT WOODWARD'S GARDENS. 265

Oldbiegh's face grew inure and more clouded as he
continued to read.

" Well," said the Captain, when he had finished
reading the epistle, "what's the row?"

" Oh ! it's a letter relating to that ar' suit," said Mr.
Oldbiegh.

" Well, Oldbiegh," said the Captain, " keep a stiff
upper lip and we'll pull you through. With the assist
ance of my friend, the Major, I think we can put up a
job on the audacious Night Hawk, which will take the
wind out of her sails in half a jiffy ! "

Mr. Oldbiegh arose, and with melancholy feelings in
his breast, bade the persons good-bye who stood on the
veranda to see him off. With the calves of his legs
chafing each other, he walked down the front steps to
the carriage which awaited him, and in a moment the
rapid click of the horses' hoofs and the roar of the
vehicle were heard, as he drove down the road. Long
did he wave his red-bordered silk handkerchief in
response to the many waving white ones of the young
ladies on the porch ; and finally, when the house was
out of sight, putting his handkerchief to his nose he blew
one fierce blast, after which he quietly replaced it in
his left coat-tail.

Mr. Oldbiegh then leaned his broad shoulders against
the back part of the carriage and began to philosophize.
He recounted the many and varied experiences through
which he had passed during the last few months. They
had. indeed, been strange. In rapid succession, he had
raced with dudes, and been the victim of the misplaced
affections of a widow of ferocious disposition and

266 AT WOODWARD'S GARDENS.

hideous appearance ; he had been in prison, then out of
prison ; an attempt had been made to place his picture
in the rogues' gallery ; he had had a night adventure in
which a bull dog was the chief and most violent, and
an antiquated female the secondary actor ; he had been
immediately afterwards described in a public print as a
person of suspicious character; he had acted as an
accomplice when the wrong man was punished for the
offense ; and he had even assisted in bringing a poet to
justice ! Such a history was, indeed, wonderful. When
Mr. Oldbiegh remembered all these things, and recalled
the fact that he was hereafter to have a hired companion
in the shape of a " reg'lar English blue-blooded snob
Lord," he felt bewildered. He almost felt as if his
reason were becoming shaken. He felt as if the world
in some mysterious way had got turned upside down,
while he was unaware of the fact.

While his mind was still deeply filled with such
thoughts, the carriage drew up at Market street station,
and shaking the driver's hand with a five-dollar piece
in his palm, which was not there when he withdrew his
fingers, while the driver winked profoundly as he bade
him good-bye, Mr. Oldbiegh got out of the vehicle. In
a short time the heavy iron locomotive, the brass rings
around its boiler glittering in the morning sunlight,
dashed by the station. The air-brakes were put on and
the train soon stopped. Mr. Oldbiegh walked into the
car and the train was off. It was still early, being
about eight o'clock, and the seats were filled with busi
ness men, each of whom held a morning paper open
before him ; they sat like statues as they read, and

AT WOODWARD'S GARDENS. 267

intense, indeed, did the interest which many of them
took in their papers seem to be when a lady entered the
car to whom they thought they might be called upon
to give up their places. Mr. Oldbiegh was surprised at
this lack of gallantry. He soon, however, had what
might be called a partial explanation of this. There
was not sufficient room for all the passengers, and a
couple of young^ ladies, who had got on at Center street
station, stood in the passage-way a short distance ahead
of where Mr. Oldbiegh sat. Perceiving that no one else
offered them a seat, Mr. Oldbiegh arose and politely
offered his to one of them. "No-ow ! " said she, snap
pishly, " keep your seat!" Mr. Oldbiegh without
replying quietly resumed his place. Arrived in San
Francisco, he at once sought for Mr. Geseign.

" Where's Tommy?" he asked of Becky, who was the
first person he met on his arrival at the Golden Chariot.
" Where is he, my purty little widdyer?"

"He was out in the back yard a little while ago,
burying that old lame man's dog," was the answer.

"The Captain's dog?"

" Yes ; at any rate, the old gentleman in the fur
cap, who had a blue circular cape and who came to see
you just before you went away."

"Yes," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " it was the Captain's
dog. Well, so that ar' little canine is dead arter all !
What of?"

" It died a natural death," said Becky. " The poor
little thing kept getting thinner and thinner, and
wouldn't eat anything ; and when I placed a plate of
food before it, it would look up at me sadly with its

268 AT WOODWARD'S GARDENS.

hollow eyes, and would then turn away from the plate
with disgust, and, finally, one day it fell down on its
side, rolled over on its back, with its four feet up in the
air, and was dead ! "

44 So that 'ar' dug is dead arter all!" said Mr. Old
biegh, u and the Captain said, said he, it was the most
astonishing dog on the face of the globe ; and it's dead
of a natural death. As you'd say of a man," added Mr.
Oldbiegh, impressively, "it's dead with its boots off.
So it is with human beings, Becky. The example's the
same for them or dogs. They will die and you can't stop
'em nohow. To-day you go to a circus jolly as a
fightin' cock and larf till you see your sides cavin' in
at the clowns all painted, with round red spots on their
white cheeks and the monkeys all a-grinnin', and, to
morrow you ride out to your own funeral ! That ar's
the way on it. Death comes like a darned sneak thief
in the dark. He touches you when you're unawar' with
his ic} r fingers and your toes turn up. And then," said
Mr. Oldbiegh, in a more solemn tone still, " when it's
all over and you carn't hear it, they have a sky pilot to
say what a fine and noble man you was ; and for all the
liars of the world a sky pilot preaching a funeral sermon
beats 'em all ! And the worst of it is he's lying for
money; and he preaches the same sermon over you
which he committed to memory for the benefit of the
first corpse he ever launched, and with which rot he's
spoke over and flattered many corpses since. Don't let
me make you grow melancholy, little one," added Mr.
Oldbiegh, " but that 'ar's the way of life. And the
worst of it is there's uo way to put an end on itj for it's

AT WOODWARD'S GARDENS. 269

got to be ; aud when a man takes a notion in his head
to die, let him alone, for he'll die and you carn't stop
him nohow, for it's natch'ral, Becky, it's natch'ral! ''
concluded Mr. Oldbiegh, profoundly, after which he
sighed deeply.

In a little while Mr. Geseign was found, and he and
Mr. Oldbiegh went up to the latter's room, Mr. Geseign
entering last and locking the door behind him.

" Well ! " said Mr. Geseign, as he threw up his heels
on the washstand, " how are you anyhow ? "

" Hearty, Tommy," said Mr. Oldbiegh. " The Cap
tain has proved to be a noble old soldier and he carn't
be beat by no man."

" He," said Mr. Geseign, " is a jewel. He is curious,
peculiar and kind."

" That's what he are," said Mr. Oldbiegh. " Well,
Tommy, what have you been up to ? "

" I have performed," was the reply, " oceans of
labor. I am a man of energy. In the balmy days
of my youth I was a sluggard. 4 Go,' said I, ' to the
sluggard thou ant. Birds of a flock,' said I 'feather
together. The rolling moss,' said I, 4 gathers no stone.'
I reformed. You see me now in the pride and beauty
-of my youth a man of iron will ! I have conquered
the dragon. She is in my meshes."

" What's that 'ar' ? " said Mr. Oldbiegh, pricking up
his ears.

"The widow," said Mr. Geseign. "That fairy
creachaw she of the drooping eyelids she with the
face composed of chalk she is in my tender clutches.
The key which you will remember she took from

270 AT WOODWARD'S GARDENS.

your door was found on her person. I have the
proof!"

"Do you mean to say," said Mr. Oldbiegh, with such
earnestness that the perspiration stood out on his fore
head, " do you mean to say you've laid a trap for that
'ar widdyer and that you've caught the bird?"

" I'm forced," said Mr. Geseign, " to make the cruel
admission."

"How?" said Mr. Oldbiegh.

u My experience with her delightful sex," said Mr.
Geseign, " has been as unlimited as it has been
blissful. I have learned first that they will talk. A
strange assertion, but true. I believe that if they were
born without mouths their ears would talk. I know
it. Knowing this, I laid my cruel schemes. I studied
her history. I studied her past. I studied her
present. I sought the man on whom she wastes her
affections. I found him in one Nosey Snigger. I
learned that Nosey, in order to show his tendali affec
tion often blackens her eyes. I knew then that she
would love him tenderly. I bribed Nosey to pump
her. He pumped her. Quite so. She under the
harsh threats of cruel abandonment from Nosey
submitted, and was pumped dry, quite dry. At last
you are free! Oh! Liberty charming female
creachaw ! Fearing a prosecution, the dragon has
departed for parts unknown. Nosey is happy in
tensely so ! "

Mr. Oldbiegh, who during the above recital had been
watching Mr. Geseign with eyes wide open with admi-

AT WOODWARD'S GARDENS. 271

ration, jumped up and took his hand and shook it long
and vigorously.

"Stop," said. Mr. Geseign, at last, for his arm was
nearly shaken out of joint, " stop ! ' Enough is as good
as a feast."

" You're a man," said Mr. Oldbiegh, heartily, " and
you're all brains ! " and he gazed on him, his blue eyes
filled with admiration.

" Do not flatter me, for I might be spoiled," said
Mr. Geseign.

" No, sir. It couldn't be did by no man," said Mr.
Oldbiegh, " for it's the truth, every word on it."

" Now," said Mr. Geseign, " to change this fascinating
subject, are we to remain at the Chariot and be
metaphorical charioteers, or are we to go elsewhere?"

" What's your judgment on it ? " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" A room in a private house, in a respectable por
tion of the city, would be to my mind," said Mr.
Geseign.

" Done right thar'," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

"I now have a project I may say a scheme," said
Mr. Geseign, " to lay before you."

" Pop her out," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" You," said Mr. Geseign, " desire to see life."

" And snobs," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

"And snobs," said Mr. Geseign. " As all life is not
in the slums you will have to go in good society.
You need training first. I will train you. I am a
lord, or, rather, am supposed to be such. I will go
as your travelling companion as an English lord.
This will throw American society at our feet."

272 AT WOODWARD'S GAKDKKS.

" Aren't you a lord ?" said Mr. Oldbiegh, opening his
eyes.

" No," said Mr. Geseign, " but I am generally sup
posed to be a fallen lord."

" How about that 'ar' zoological tree ? " said Mr.
Oldbiegh.

"The genealogical tree," said Mr. Geseign, "was
the result of my labors and of a heated imagination
in leisure hours."

" How'd the ; Convivials ' come to call you a blood ? "
said Mr. Oldbiegh.

"They have heated imaginations," said Mr. Geseign.

"Tommy," said Mr. Oldbiegh, solemnly, "you and I
are friends, and }^ou're my everlasting benefactor along
of that 'ar' two-forty widdyer ; but ef you aren't a lord,
I carn't travel with you as a lord nohow."

"Well," said Mr. Geseign, "I am a small lord.
And I've got the blood. It's all blue. Of that
there's no doubt."

" Are you sure you've got the blood ? "

"Certain," said Mr. Geseign.

" Well," said Mr. Oldbeigli, " ef you've got the blood,
you are a lord arter all. And ef it's small or great, I
don't see how that consarns it, for a lord's a lord no
matter whar' you find him, even if it was atop of Mount
Arryrat ! "

" Certainly," said Mr. Geseign. " Correct in every
particular."

" Then," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " I'm in for it, and we'll
go ento serciety and be a couple of snobs, and you can
point out the other snobs to me."

AT WOODWARD'S GARDENS. 273

' Agreed," said Mr. Geseign.

" Done," said Mr. Oldbeigh.

The next morning Mr. Oldbiegh and Mr. Geseign
started out together to hunt for a lodging house. They
had concluded to go to a lodging house for awhile,
until Mr. Oldbiegh had gone through the necessary
training in the arts of society. Before they started out
Mr. Geseign told the little clerk of the hotel, with whom
he had already made a settlement, that he had a friend
around the corner who could take his place.

"All right," said Mr. Jarmyn, as he continued to
write rapidly on his books ; " fetch him up."

Mr. Geseign went down the brass-plated steps and in
a short time came back with a brazen-faced little man
whom Mr. Oldbiegh had seen at the "Convivial" club.

" Billy Clupper," said Mr. Geseign, " Mr. Jarmyn. 1 *

"Jar Jar Jar myn, glad t'now yer hie!"

Mr. Jarmyn looked at Mr. Clupper suspiciously.

" Oh ! he's all right," said Mr. Geseign. " All he
wants is to hold his head out of the front doah
to cool to be sober as a judge."

"I'm soberer nor a judge now, only sick," said Mr.
Clupper.

Under these circumstances Mr. Jarmyn employed
him for the two coining days.

" Now, Mr. Oldbiegh," said Mr. Jarmyn, who had
been extremely polite ever since he had become fully
aware of the extent of Mr. Oldbiegh's riches, " we'll
take a parting smile together, as you are about to leave
the Chariot. You've had a good time since you've been
here, haven't you ? Say you have," with such a look
17

274 AT WOODWARD'S GARDENS.

on his light features that an ordinary person might have
supposed he desired to lick the blacking from Mr.
Oldbiegh's boots.

"Well," said Mr. Oldbiegh, "I don't know but a
part of the time I 'arve."

" A sly time with the ladies, too, Mr. Oldbiegh ! "
said the smirking little man.

"None o' that 'ar', " said Mr. Oldbiegh, sternly.

"No offense, Mr. Oldbiegh, no offense."

"Ef thar' warn't none meant," said Mr. Oldbiegh,
"thar' warn't no offense. It's all in the meaning."

"Come up, boys," said Mr. Jarmyn, smiling gra
ciously, while he silently counted the cost by the rules
of mental arithmetic.

A crowd of loafers, a crowd of that particular class
of beings who sit in the neighborhood of the bar-room
of a hotel, with their ears cocked open all day for invita
tions to drink from tipsy men, and pretend to be reading
illustrated newspapers in the meantime, came forward.
With that skill and grace acquired by long practice,
they drank the health of the departing Mr. Oldbiegh
and his companion, Mr. Geseign ; after putting their
glasses down, they waited for some moments as if they
wanted more, and one individual with a fiery nose,
who had been emboldened by past drinks, took up the
bottle which had been left in his neighborhood, and,
while the barkeeper's back was turned, with his shaking
hand he poured out a full glass and tossed it down his
throat at a gulp, to the admiration and envy of his red-
nosed companions.

"Now," said Mr. Oldbiegh, after he had shaken

AT WOODWARD'S GARDENS. 275

hands heartily with all present, " now, Tommy, we'll
be looking arter our future home and habitation."

" Right," said Mr. Geseign, " as a tricket," as he
hooked his arm in that of Mr. Oldbiegh, and they
walked down the steps of the Golden Chariot, perhaps,
for the last time. A crowd gathered around the head
of the stairway and a shade of melancholy might have
been detected by the acute observer on their faces as
they surveyed the broad back, round head and pro
truding calves of Mr. Oldbiegh, and the yellow striped
pantaloons, short coat, and the stubs of short hair of a
light red color beneath the broken rim at the back of
Mr. Geseign's stiff hat. It was to them, and particu
larly to the barkeeper, a melancholy sight, for although
Mr. Oldbiegh did not drink much himself, yet when
he did drink he called up everybody within a circle
described by a radius of sixty feet to drink with him.

They were soon walking down Washington street, by
the north side of the dark and gloomy building in which
is the city prison. A sheriff was leading sixteen or
eighteen men who were chained together into the " Old
City Hall " for trial in the Superior court that morning,
and detectives, policemen, professional bail-bond men,
and relatives of prisoners and police court lawyers were
hurrying to and fro.

A man about sixty years of age was sauntering down
the sidewalk in front of them. He was muttering to
himself, occasionally shaking his fist and swearing
violently. " I'm a man of brains," said he, " a man of
genius, and I've been called a dog by him." He was
dressed in rags, as Mr. Oidbiegh perceived upon looking

276 AT WOODWARD'S GARDENS.

at him. His hair, which was long and uncombed, was
covered by a soft hat which had been worn until it had
lost all shape. His beard was long and uncombed, like
his hair, and his bare foot was seen through a hole in
his worn-out shoe. He continued to swear and mutter
to himself : " I, a man of brains, of education, of bril
liance, to be called a dog by him"

" What's the matter with that 'ar' critter ? " said Mr.
Oldbiegh, as he noticed the intensely bitter tone in
which the man spoke.

"He," said Mr. Geseign, "is off his basis because
some barkeeper has refused him a free lunch ; and he
has called him one of the canine species."

"What is he?" said Mr. Oldbiegh. "Do you know
him ? He seems to be a pretty big man by his own
statement."

" Know him ! " said Mr. Geseign, " I know him
better than myself. We have bunked in the sombre
days of mutual misery in the same hogshead. He is
a melancholy specimen of a bummah. In early days
he was a lawyer. He was at the top of his profes
sion. Things are reversed. He now is at the bottom ;
therefore he swears. He affects my tendah feelings !
He was considered brilliant extremely so. I sup
pose he is brilliant still ; but he is no longer admired.
He swayed crowds with his wit with his eloquence.
He luxuriated in wealth, and loved those enchanting
creachaws women. You perceive in him the result.
Moral nevah oh 1 nevah love a woman ! "

" What does he do now ? " asked Mr. Oldbiegh, " to
live."

AT WOODWARD'S GARDENS. 277

"Man," said Mr. Geseign, "the less he has the less
he worries about the insignificant matter of living.
To one who is rich the bare thought of starvation
ruffles up his tendah feelings. To a pauper the thought
has no terrors. And,'' added Mr. Geseign, " to a
bummah of experience food is always at hand. With
out character you may beg. The labor is not fraught
with muscular efforts. You may become a lunch
fiend. The life has its charms. We are creachaws
of habit. Where you have learned by habit to be
a bummah the life has its pleasures. Time wears
away scruples. You are happy. Peculiar but true.' 1

" What is he ? " asked Mr. Oldbiegh.

" A lunch fiend," said Mr. Geseign.

They crossed Market street at Third and went down
on Howard street. On Howard street they found a
three-story frame building, and a lady dressed in black
robes who kept the house was introduced to Mr. Old
biegh by Mr. Geseign as Mrs. Morthington.

" I've heard that name afore," said Mr. Oldbiegh, but
I carn't tell whar'."

"Perhaps you met my poor husband," said Mrs.
Morthington; "he was a very prominent man."

"I may a met him," said Mr. Oldbiegh, "and I'd be
glad to meet him again."

Mr. Oldbiegh did not hear the lady say he had gone
to the other world. She showed him a room on the
second floor in the rear of the house looking out upon
the back yards of a number of dwellings. The morn
ing sunlight was pouring into the apartment and Mr.
Oldbiegh was satisfied. Mr. Geseign was accommoda-

278 AT WOODWARD'S GARDENS.

ted with a room directly under Mr. Oldbiegh's ajid
next to that occupied by a French gentlemen. As
Mrs. Morthiiigton informed Mr. Oldbiegh, Mr. Ge-
seign's chamber did not have the pleasant view his
had, as it was obstructed by the top of a woodshed.

"I usually require references," said the lady, "for
such tramps are about; but Mr. Geseign being your
friend is enough for anybody. Mr. Morthington
always did say, ' Mary, be sure your references are
all right and then you will find you have no fast charac
ters in your house. I've been here ten years and I've
never had but one.' A man called here this morning
with a picture of Swedburg, the murderer, He was a
detective. Pie wanted to know if a man like the
picture was stopping here. 'No, indeed,' said I, 4 I don't
take murderers in my house, I require all my people,'
said I, indignantly, Mr. Oldbiegh, for I have feelings for
my house, 'to give references, and no murderers need
appty.' Do you like the room, Mr. Oldbiegh ? Well,
I shall do everything I can to make it comfortable, and
if you want anything at any hour of the day or night,
just call on me, Mr. Oldbiegh, for Mr. Morthington
always did say, 'Mary, make it comfortable for your
guests and they'll make it comfortable for you.' "

Mr. Oldbiegh stood long and patiently, with his hat
in his hand, bowing profoundly at intervals and waiting
for her flowing ideas to come to a stop. When she
ceased, the terms were arranged and Mr. Oldbiegh and
Mr. Geseign left the house.

" W/hat's to be done now ? " asked Mr. Oldbiegh
when they reached the sidewalk. Mr. Geseign sugges-

AT WOODWARD'S GARDENS. 279

ted that as they had nothing to do they might go out to
"Woodward's Gardens." "What's out there?" said
Mr. Oldbiegh.

"More of your monkey ancestors," said Mr. Ge-
seign, "than you can shake a stick at. Bears and
tigers wolves and lions and hyenahs also abound.
Stuffed birds stuffed reptiles and monstrosities. Very
curious."

They took the Mission street car and were at the
gardens in a short time. Paying the requisite fee they
went inside.

"What's that 4 ar'?" asked Mr. Oldbiegh, pointing
to an immense bust of Washington.

" That," said Mr. Geseign, " represents the original
and only father of his country the youthful creachaw
upon whom the fiendish hatchet story has been
told by which libellous article his memory has been
forever blighted ! "

" What hatchet story? " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

Mr. Geseign got around in front of Mr. Oldbiegh
and gazed upon his features with astonishment.

"The only man in America who has not heard
the pathetic story ! " said Mr. Geseign.

" What's that ? You mean about his not tellin'
lies?" said Mr. Oldbiegh.

"You have heard it after all!" said Mr. Geseign,
with an affected sigh of relief. " The inevitable
whale's jaws," said he, pointing out a couple of
immense bones. They went into a building facing
the gate. "The inevitable ships on a blue wooden
sea with white wooden sails," said Mr. Geseign,

280 AT WOODWARD'S GARDENS.

calling his companion's attention to a miniature man-of-
war. "A disagreeable bedfellow," said he, indicating
a stuffed Boa Constrictor over the stairway, which went
up to the upper story.

After gazing at a number of insects on the white
shelves, at a number of snakes preserved in alcohol,
and at a variety of stuffed birds, amongst others an
imaginary flock of green birds, with stuffed beaks, they
went to the upper story and inspected stuffed bears,
stuffed foxes and the Indian canoes with red stripes at
their bows ; saw the skin Esquimaux canoes, with men
in skin clothing sitting in round holes, all holding their
paddles elevated in the air at the same angle; and then
they gazed at the bows and arrows and flint arrow
heads, after which they went out into the grounds once
more and saw the swans, ducks and innumerable other
birds swimming in artificial ponds, which they suc
ceeded in making extremely muddy. After watching
the beavers swimming under water for awhile, they
went to the conservatory and saw the brilliantly
colored flowers, but this place proving too warm for
Mr. Oldbiegh, they were soon in the open air again.
They got into the endless circular boat, and in order to
get it going for the benefit of the women and children
who sat in it, Mr. Oldbiegh rowed with great violence,
until "catching a crab" he went backwards into the
bottom of the boat, and for a moment nothing was
visible but his green-topped shoes and his legs, whicn
were elevated in the air. Recovering himself with all
the dignity the circumstances would permit, he took
Mr. Geseign's arm and after looking at the peculiar

AT WOODWARD'S GARDENS. 281

trees, strange plants, stone grottoes and waterfalls in
that portion of the garden, they went through an
underground passage-way to the part of the grounds
where the animals were kept.

" Thar's a grizzly ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh, as he
stopped in front of the first cage. They listened in
silence to the endless swishing tread of the grizzly
bear, as it walked to one end of the cage and turned
around and walked to the other, never pausing in its
gloomy march not even when it cast a glance through
the bars at the people without. " A grizzly bar,'* said
Mr. Oldbiegh. " can whop the spots out of a lion or a
tiger all in no time ! "

"The grizzly," said Mr. Geseign, "is a bird which
knows no fear. Like the bird of freedom so often
carried chained to a stick in Fourth of July proces
sions he roams supreme ! "

"I wonder why he never stops walking?" said Mr.
Oldbiegh.

" His proud spirit will permit of no rest," said Mr.
Geseign, " and motion chimes in well with his deep
meditations."

They next gazed upon a shaggy lion, which also was
walking with a ceaseless tread. After looking for a
while at a spotted tiger, which was lying where the sun
light fell through the bars of its cage, they passed in
succession by the cages of smaller animals, until they
came to one large cage labelled "The Happy Family."
In it were dogs, pigs, monkeys, hyenas and innumera
ble smaller animals. The monkeys were swinging
violently to and fro on ropes and trapezes and a

282 AT WOODWARD'S GARDENS.

number of delighted children outside of the railing
were throwing peanuts to them. A couple of monkeys
were sitting on a hog's back while they looked up at
the audience, as if for approval.

"A melancholy picture," said Mr. Geseign, " of
the great world. The monkeys sit on the back of
the hog. Similar scenes are observed in the world.
You see a few dogs. You see them in the world
with two legs. They, too, are suggestive. The liy-
ena is a suggestive creachaw. He is an undertaker.
The chattering monkey up aloft is suggestive. He
talks to the crowd. He is a preacher or an orator.
The whole scene is alive with melancholy sugges
tions. Oh ! curious world I "

"It's natch'ral to life, Tommy, darned ef it ain't;
though I'd a never thought it before," said Mr. Old-
beigh.

They next went up a stairway and reached a plat
form along which was a row of cages containing
monkeys.

"Our venerated ancestahs ! " said Mr. Geseign,
bowing with mock humility to the monkeys.

They then looked at the hump-backed camel and the
cow with a tail on its back, and at several other freaks
of nature. As Mr. Oldbiegh was getting tired, they,
at this juncture, left the place and went to the Bald
win restaurant, where it took them an hour and a half
to finish the heavy dinner which Mr. Oldbiegh ordered.

A CAT CONCERT. 283

CHAPTER X.

A CAT CONCERT.

A FTER a few days Mr. Oldbiegh became used to
Jl\. his new quarters, and was comfortably settled.
As for Mr. Geseign, his nature was such that he felt
perfectly at home the first day, and before the evening
of the next was thoroughly familiar with every person
in the house ; but he was quite uncomfortable in one
respect, for his French neighbor in the next room,
whose name was Monsieur Gar^on, was forever sawing
on a fiddle, and, as the squeaking exercises he played
were anything but music, Mr. Geseign's peace of mind
was greatly disturbed. He said nothing about the
matter, but resolved to put an end to the fiddle playing
by some means or other as soon as an opportunity
occurred.

Mr. Geseign and Mr. Oldbiegh were sitting side by
side one evening in Mr. Oldbiegh's room, with their
feet projecting over the window-sill, and were blowing
the smoke of their pipes out into the evening air in
whiffs, while both seemed to be meditating profoundly.

u You say it's got to be done and no help for it?"
said Mr. Oldbiegh, finally, as he held his pipe out to
one side and gazed at his companion.
. Mr. Geseign nodded'his head and said : " You must."

"I must larn to daunce before I can go into ser-
ciety?" Mr. Geseign nodded. "I must go to a
dauncing-school and daunce with the little boys and

284 A CAT CONCERT.

gals ? " said Mr. Oldbiegh. Mr. Geseign nodded again.
"Can't a man get- on without dauncing? " said Mr.
Oldbiegh, with such a contraction of the brows as to
show that a mental struggle was apparent^ going on.

"If you did not dance," said Mr. Geseign, "the
ladies would cut you cold. They feel no compassion
for a man who can't dance. If you dance, they will
die for you they will cry for you they will sigh
for you, and for you be read}' to expire. Women are
curious creachaws. They dote on dancing."

" And to larn to daunce," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " I've
got to go to dauncing-school and daunce with the little
gals and boys ! Well, I'll be etarnally bobbed "

"Hold!" said Mr. Geseign, "one escape yet re
mains! There is a hall on Third street called
Pleasure Hall. I will take you there and teach you ;
come with me."

Mr. Geseign got up, put on his hat and started down
the oilcloth-covered stairway, and Mr. Oldbiegh fol
lowed. Mr. Geseign on the way informed Mr. Old
biegh that at the place they were going to he would
find young men only. That these young men were
of the class known as " toughs " and " hoodlums,"
that there were amongst them some persons of the
" Bad Man from Bodie " order, that they would look at
Mr. Oldbiegh with suspicious and critical eyes, and
that while they might playfully step on his toes, and
ask him what he was stepping on them for, with savage,
looks, he must not notice this. Mr. Geseign added
that if they ran against him, or tried to trip him up
too often, just to let him know. He informed him

A CAT CONCERT. 285

also that the meetings were often broken up by certain
disagreeable members of the police force, but that this
usually took place at an hour later than that to which
they would stay. "You will learn," said Mr. Geseign,
" with wonderful rapidity; the music is good, and
the time is perfect."

When they reached the place Mr. Geseign gave a
consumptive door-keeper fifty cents, and they walked
into a medium-sized hall, with a well-waxed floor, which
glistened in the dim light of the oil lamps around the
walls. On the rough wooden benches a number of
young men were seated in their shirt-sleeves, while
between their teeth they held cigarettes, from which
they drew smoke into their lungs and blew it forth in
a steady, measured stream into the air. The panta
loons they wore were tight-fitting and sprung at the
bottom. The hair of each was plastered on his fore
head, forming a Mazeppa, and bulged out behind with
the assistance of bear's oil. Calico shirts, with large
stripes in them, seemed to be favored by the persons
present. As Mr. Oldbiegh and Mr. Geseign entered,
one of these young men emerged from a back room,
where he had filled his mouth with water, and was
chasing another young man of similar appearance, at
whom he finally squirted the water from between his
teeth. A couple of men, one of whom was teaching
the other the polka step, were out on the floor, going
through the exercises to the edifying music which the
teacher was whistling free of charge for the benefit of
his pupil.

Mr. Geseign told Mr. Oldbiegh that each pupil had

286 A CAT CONCERT.

his own teacher, who went through all the dances with
him, and generally received ten dollars a month for his
services. Some of the teachers had three or four
pupils, who were taught on different nights of the
week. Each teacher managed to live and wear paste
diamonds. The persons who were taught to dance
here learned rapidly. Mr. Geseign had himself learned
in this way.

In a little while the musicians, consisting of a pianist,
a man who played the fiddle, and a man who beat time
with the round of a chair, went forward and took their
seats on the platform at the end of the room. The
first dance was a square dance. The music struck up
and there was a rush and a scramble for positions.
Mr. Oldbiegh and Mr. Geseign succeeded in getting
" heads " in one set. Mr. Oldbiegh had a handkerchief
tied around his arm like many of the others who were
to act the part of the ladies. In a few moments, with
a frown on his brow, Mr. Oldbiegh was deeply engaged
in going " forward and back," and " right and left,"
and in turning and walking in various perplexing direc
tions, all to the music of that sweet air, " Tweed le dum
dee, tweedle dum dee, dum di do." At one instant he
was bowing to, and at the next he was running into
the sour-looking lady in v man's clothing opposite to
him ; and then he got tangled up with the sides ; but
from all his troubles Mr. Geseign succeeded in skill
fully extricating him. The next dance was a round
dance. Mr. Geseign struggled with him until he had
gotten him around the hall several times. He went
through the same performance at every dance ; although

A CAT CONCERT. 287

Mr. Geseign perspired freety, and Mr. Oldbiegh stepped
on his feet on numerous occasions, yet as the latter fol
lowed Mr. Geseign's directions, to attempt above all
things to keep time with the music, by the end of the
evening he had acquired a step which approached the
step of the dance.

" You," said Mr. Geseign, after one of these dances,
"are heavy quite so. But you must learn and
though you walk all over me and leave me a corpse
necessity knows no law not a bit. She's no law
yer but the mother of a young fellow named
Invention."

After several such lessons Mr. Oldbiegh danced well,
and in the course of time danced extremely well.

" Now," said Mr. Geseign, one evening, as he and
Mr. Oldbiegh sat together in Mr. Oldbiegh's room,
" You should have a cyclopediah."

" What sort of a animal is that 'ar' ? " asked Mr.
Oldbiegh.

" The most intelligent of creachaws," said Mr.
Geseign. " A perfect monstrosity a freak of nature
for learning. Editors of newspapers who are
sharp as chain-lightning necessarily so have one
chained in the office ! "

"Who sells the critters, and what do you feed 'em
on?" said Mr. Oldbiegh, in a bewildered tone.

"Book agents," said Mr. Geseign, with a wink.

" It's a book arter all," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" It's a whole library," said Mr. Geseign, " and you
need no librarian to run it ; each man his own
librarian is the motto. It's so extensive that when

288 A CAT CONCERT.

you take an article from it no one knows where it
comes from. It will furnish a sermon or a theme
for an infidel. It will furnish an editorial free. If
you are going to a dinner you can be for the night
a scientist. Read up under 4 Science.' You can
be for the night a philosopher. Read up under
'Philosophy.' People will be astonished at your
knowledge of Zeno arid Plato and at your famili
arity with the works by Pork and Bacon. Won
derful!" Mr. Geseign, in further commenting upon
the excellent qualities of encyclopedias, went on to
say that by studying up an encyclopedia a man would
be prevented from telling the same story or incident
which he had forgotten that he had told to the same
person thirty or forty times before. " I was in lore
one time," said Mr. Geseign, " with a tendah young
creachaw. I called. ' When in Monterey the fun
niest thing happened,' said she. She told the tale
and I smiled as I listened. A week later I called
again. ' When in Monterey etc.,' said she. I smiled
artificially as I listened. Later I called again.
'When I was in Monterey, etc.,' was the hideous
relation once more. I smiled with pain as I list
ened. Later I called again. ' When I was in Mon
terey, etc.,' were the diabolical words of my charmer.
My hair stood on end. I smiled like a corpse as I
listened. I fled from the house. She died soon
after."

" If a man could only get a little encyclopedia," said
Mr. Oldbiegh, " he could carry it with him all over the
world in his pocket, and be a edgercated snob. How'd

A CAT CONCERT. 289

you learn all these things, Tommy? You must have
seen the inside working of a college somehow ! "

" No," said Mr. Geseign ; " I have learned them by
hard kicks and few coppers in this cruel world.
'Energy,' said I in early youth 'must be econo
mized.' I now economize. 4 A college graduate,' said
I, 4 is an ass quite so.' Learning is not obtained
chiefly from books. That we live and we die is all
the books say. Books are but men or manikins
talking in print. Of them the world stands in awe
because they're unseen. I scorn such hobgoblins base
creachaws ! Books are the fashion and yet," added
Mr. Geseign, profoundly, " a game of poker will train
the intellect. Much study of books will dwarf the
mind. Learned men are small creachaws."

"I believe it's so," said Mr. Oldbiegh. "Look at
that 'ar' little Oldwhistle, who's a scientist. His head's
dwarfed. I'd swear to it ariywhar'."

" Sad but true," said Mr. Geseign.

" That's why you took to writin', I s'pose," said Mr.
Oldbiegh.

" No," said Mr. Geseign, " it was the base desire for
shekels."

"And why don't you write to be famous ; it's better,"
said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" I would not degrade my muse to write for fame,"
said Mr. Geseign. " I write for glorious shekels !
Fame is a speculator. Fame is an advertisement,"
said Mr. Geseign. " Fame is like a patent medicine
which cures all diseases. When you are as famous
as that medicine your books will sell by the mil-
18

290 A CAT CONCERT.

lion. Give me," said Mr. Geseign, becoming enthusi
astic, " three hundred thousand dollars, and I can make
a man who writes verses which are rot as famous
as Tennyson ! A fact I assure you. Curious,
perhaps but true/'

" It does look as though it might be so," said Mr.
Oldbiegh, "for I've seen men who didn't dare to say the
hair on their heads was their own "

"It was not," broke in Mr. Geseign. "A man's hair
becomes on marriage the exclusive property of
his wife ! "

"So it does, Tommy, haw! haw!" said Mr. Old
biegh, while something like billows was seen to roll
over the surface of his white vest.

"A sad spectacle," said Mr. Geseign, "but true.
Quite so."

" Sartinly it are sad," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " when a
man, especially a free American, carn't call the hair
which grows out of his head his own ! "

" I believe," said Mr. Geseign, " that that accounts
for the many bald heads on this beautiful Pacific
slope."

" How ? " asked Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Being constantly humiliated by the claim of their
wives the men shave off their hair ! "

" Ho ! ho ! ho ! ha ! ha ! ha ! " laughed Mr. Oldbiegh ;
"but it's natch'ral arter all, Tommy, darned ef it
aren't. I'd do it myself. I'd have my scalp skinned
off and I'd go and show my bloody head to my wife
for revenge ! "

That night being a moonlight night, Mr. Oldbiegh

A CAT CONCERT. 291

hired a barouche, and he and Mr. Geseign went out for
a drive. They drove first up Market street. The white
electric lights along the sidewalk made the night as
bright as day; and the thousands of faces of the people
moving along the sidewalk could have been recognized
by their acquaintances. The red-bordered bob-tail horse
cars crossing the street at an angle shone in its glare,
and the rays of light were visible as they passed through
the air and over the roofs of the houses and fell on the
sign toward which they were directed in a perfect
blaze. The chalk writing on the black bulletin board
in front of the Weekly Budget office shone brilliantly.
The great white sign on the side of a brick edifice,
" The Weekly Flash has the largest circulation," and
the highly colored goods in the store windows, the roar
and the rattle of the wagons over the street, all had
attractions for Mr. Oldbiegh. In the upper story of a
building near the south-east corner of Third and Market
streets pictures were being thrown on a canvas surface
by a magic lantern. Mr. Oldbiegh had the carriage
stopped in order that he might make an examination of
these displays. He was greatly amused by pictures of
men with large noses and big feet, and at the curious
antics they played on the screen. He would not allow
the driver to move ahead until this free exhibition had
terminated. Crossing to the opposite corner, they
spent some time watching a man who was swallowing
a sword.

They next passed by the Baldwin Theatre, in front
of which the music was playing ; and they then passed
out by the " Sand Lot."

292 A CAT CONCERT.

"A scene," said Mr. Geseign, as he pointed to the
Sand Lot, " famous already in history. What thunder
ing tones of eloquence the sand here has heard !
Beneath the walls of this noble ruin the new City
Hall how we thundered ! Our thunder filled this
air and made this sand tremble. 'The Chinese
must go ! ' words that burn nevah to be forgotten !
'Hay rope cravats for monopolists!' Beautiful
sentiments ! My own idea ! I loaned it to the ' Plug
Hat Brigade!' Rich thought! 'Honorable Bilks,'
' Nob Hill ' fine ideas ! ' Heartless corporations '
'money sharks' 'land grabbers' fine thoughts and
true to nature ! "

"What's the new City Hall for? What particular
kind of official business?" asked Mr. Oldbiegh.

"An ancient ruin a grotto for lovers. No the
original idea was that there all the county offices
should be."

After riding out to Van Ness avenue, back to, and
then along Kearney street, they returned to their lodg
ing house. Mr. Geseign had been greatly worried by
the music of Monsieur Gar 9011 of late ; and when they
reached home, the} r heard the dismal tones of his
squeaking fiddle. Mr. Geseign had asked him the
day before why he kept it up so incessantly. The
.Frenchman replied that when he first came to the
house he had been tormented by the caterwauling of
the cats. " Now," said he, " I play ze feedle to keep
off zer shats ; and ze shat make no more of hees love
beneath my winzer."

Mr. Geseign entered his room, threw himself on his

A CAT CONCERT. 293

bed and tried to sleep. The Frenchman, however,
kept sawing away until a late hour to keep off the
cats, and Mr. Geseign, who was becoming much
enraged, began to think that the Frenchman was
going to keep the cats off all night. Mr. Geseign
tossed feverishly on his bed for some moments.
Finally, he remembered that in the days of his youth
he could imitate a cat so perfectly that he had on
many occasions, by imitating the 'waul of the female
cat, drawn all the Tom cats together around him,
whereupon they had fought violently, and as a natural
consequence made a most unearthly din. Mr. Geseign
immediately ran his head out of the window and imi
tated the plaintive, pathetic and despairing cry of the
female cat. The fiddle in the next room stopped as
suddenly as if the music had been cut off with a
carving knife. Perfect silence now reigned. Monsieur
Gallon was evidently listening to determine whether
his senses had deceived him. Mr. Geseign, after a few
moments, uttered another doleful and tender note. By
the sound which was immediately heard it seemed as if
the Frenchman had fallen backwards in his chair to the
floor ; and when Mr. Geseign's cry was responded to
by a Tom cat of a sentimental disposition, standing
alone in the moonlight on a distant house-top, the
Frenchman was heard rushing around the room in an
excited manner. Mr. Geseign now uttered a most
heart-rending cry, which sounded as if it issued from
the mouth of some helpless maiden of the cat species,
who was at that moment in distress. It was answered
by seven shouts to the rescue, from the mouths of seven

294 A CAT CONCERT.

chivalrous Toms, and they were soon heard scamper
ing over the roofs toward the place from which Mr.
Geseign's cry had been heard. Monsieur Gargon was
evidently in a state of intense excitement. He threw
up his window with a bang.

" Ze diable shat, 'disturber of ze peace of ze whole
neighborhood I I sail have hees blood, by Gar ! I
sail extract his bowel, by Gar ! I sail have ze whole
of hees blood, by Gar ! I vill have never ze singing of
any shat. Not for once. No, nevair I " One of the
Toms had gotten on the corner of the woodshed, and
after he had been sitting there in a state of thoughtful
meditation for some moments, the Frenchman discov
ered him. " Oh ! bless you ! How you look like
Saint Peter! Do you pray?" cried Monsieur Gargon.
" I see you, you villain young shat ! Oh ! 1113^ gentle
man young shat, how I love you ! I vill have ze hayer
of your ears off! I vill have your blood! Can you
sing wizout blood, hey?" Mr. Geseign uttered a
'waul again. "What!" said the Frenchman, "zare is
anozzer? Oh! I see. Ze wife of zis one ! Oh! var
good ! Is there some childerns ? Var good ! I send
ze whole family all tombling to ze diable in one time !
Var good ! " The cat on the corner of the shed uttered
a doleful cry. " Oh ! ho ! " said the Frenchman, "you
vill speak, hey? Who told you to talk, you fiends?
You vill speak?" and he began searching around the
room for something to throw. " Oh ! by Gar, how
peetyful ! " said he. " I have nossing to shrow, and
zare he sits ! " Two 'wauls were heard and in an
instant three other cats bounced down on the shed;

A CAT CONCERT. 295

and a second later two cats, which were seen by the
moonlight to be on a neighboring roof, bristled up
their hair, and while they caterwauled hideously, they
proceeded to mortal combat. The cats on the wood
shed below howled in unison. Those on the roof
gradually approached the edge as they fought. The
Frenchman watched them with intense earnestness.
" Zay vill fall off," said he ; " it is sixty feet and zay
vill break zeir neck ! " At last the cats, clutching each
other, rolled off the edge of the roof. " Hip ! hoorah ! "
cried the Frenchman, " hees neck is broke ! No, by
Gar! He is up on ye ground and is fight like ze
diable ! By Gar I if he vas fall ten sousand feet he
don't feel it ! " By this time the caterwauling was
terrific, and delegates from distant districts were con
stantly arriving. Their heads could be seen in the
moonlight peering over the ridges of many of the
neighboring houses. Mrs. Morthington's window was
heard to go up, and then Mr. Oldbiegh's went up, while
several neighbors looked out of their windows.

" What's the matter?" shouted Mrs. Morthington.

" Ze air is sick wiz shats all singing ! " yelled the
Frenchman, who was dancing around his room in a
state of distraction. " Srow somesing down at him!
I have got nossing in my room to srow."

" What's the cause of that 'ar' squawkin* of so many
cats ? " asked Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Monsieur Gabon's fiddle has drawn them I " said
Mr. Geseign.

" By Gar, heavens and ears, what is zat ? " said the
Frenchman.

296 A CAT CONCERT.

At this moment the cats on the woodshed set up
such a 'wauling that no answer could be heard. Un
able to find anything else in his room to throw, the
Frenchman pulled off his boots and threw one and then
the other in rapid succession and the cats scattered.

" By Gar ! " said Monsieur Garc.cn, " I would go
barefoot all ze day of my life to hit him for deestract
my feedling ! "

In a little while peace was restored and all retired
to rest.

The next morning as Mr. Oldbiegh and Mr. Geseign
were going down the stairs they met Monsieur Garc,on
at the foot of the stairway. He had just rung the call
bell and in a moment Mrs. Morthington appeared.

" Madame," said the Frenchman, with a polite bow,
" I must leave your house. You keep too many shat
for me ! "

"What!" said the lady, indignantly, "I keep too
many cats?"

"Yes," said the Frenchman, "you keep a whole
army of shat and zay camp on ze roof of every house,
and zay sing too many shat songs ! "

" I don't keep a cat ! " said the lady, indignantly.

"Oh! don't tell erne," said he ; "I hear zem too
loud ! "

" My house is a respectable house," said she ; " the
most respectable in town."

" Pardon, Madame," said Monsieur Gallon. "You
meestake. It is not ze house, but ze shat ! When I
play ze feedle and ze shat sing all togezzer, at once, I
am deesgust ! "

THE RULES OF SOCIETY. 297

After a good deal of argument and loud talk on the
part of the landlady, during all of which the French
man was very polite, he took his valise and left the
house.

CHAPTER XI.

THE RULES OF SOCIETY.

" TTTELL," said Mr. Oldbiegh, one morning, as he
T T and Mr. Geseign sat in their room, " you've
ordered the express man to take our trunks to the
Palace Hotel, and he'll be here in a minute and he'll
take them off to the Palace ; and then we'll walk down
the street arter him to the Palace, as big as life, with
our heads up in the air like snobs ; and then we'll walk
into the Palace arm in arm like two snobs, and slap
down our handles on the books as big as life, yours,
Lord Thomas Geseign ; mine, Mr. Junius Oldbiegh,
Esquire."

"Both," said Mr. Geseign," with a bold flourish;
and in a distinguished and unintelligible hand."

" Sartinly," said Mr. Oldbiegh ; " I'm bobbed ef I
don't flourish. But I'm afraid, Tommy, mine won't be
wrote very well. Say, Tommy, how fine you do look
in that 'ar' stylish slick new silk hat ! " added Mr.
Oldbiegh, surveying Mr. Geseign, who was fitted out
in an elegant new suit of clothes. " And that 'ar' dia
mond pin, set in gold, and that 'ar' harnsome silk cra
vat, and that 'ar' dark brown coat without a wrinkle

298 THE RULES OF SOCIETY.

in it and cut away as neat as could be, and that 'ar'
small gold watch chain, a-glitterin' in your brown vest,
and that 'ar' slick white shirt and them cuffs with the
gold sleeve-buttons, and them fine light pants with red
leather on the heels, and the purple gloves and yer
purty silk handkerchief with a yaller owl's head
'broidered in the corner, and your button shoes pol
ished to take the shine out of a lookin'-glass ! Even
ef I hadn't know'd it, I'd a sworn to your being a lord
any whar'."

"Yes," said Mr. Geseign; "dressed as a man of
immense wealth people will soon notice the bril
liance and genius of Thomas Geseign. They will
perceive the soul in his eyes. In these clothes
they will be astonished at his learning. Being in
this suit his remarks will be quoted with applause
and be stolen by thieves. I my kind and noble
friend am now a wonderful creachaw ! "

" Don't you feel kind of afraid somehow? " said Mr.
Oldbiegh. "I do ; or, rather, sort of nervous, 'for I
don't fear no man that walks the earth, as I'm a Ameri
can, and it aren't for them to fear nothing at all ! "

"Afraid of the rabble?" said Mr. Ges<5ign. "I
shall treat them with haughty indifference. I
always did despise the rabble ! I feel contempt
for the low creachaws I "

" Haw I haw ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh, looking at Mr.
Geseign with admiration. "What a snob you'd make!
Have you called on that 'ar' paper this morning ? "

" No," said Mr. Geseign. " I have seen the editah
of the Weekly Flash and the editah of the Weekly

THE RULES OF SOCIETY. 299

Budget. They are my friends. They have known
me casually for years; and have, perhaps, an indis
tinct recollection of me. An article has been writ
ten which appears to-morrow in the Flash. It is
headed 4 A Strange Career! a Lord Exhumed!' I
have written to be published in the Budget an
article of similar import. It is headed 'Lord
Geseign ! A Great Sensation ! ' I have made arrange
ments to have you interviewed the next day."

" Darned ef I do ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh. " I'll be
etarnally bobbed ef I do ! Since I was wrote up in
that 'ar' Advance for a suspicious character, no more
newspapers for me ! "

" But," said Mr. Geseign, " to be known you must
appear on their pages. Your portly figure your
heavy shoulders your benevolent countenance your
large eyes must be criticised with close inspection
by the members of good society. After they have
sneered at Junius Oldbiegh for a week or so he
will be admitted to good society. They will send
you a shower of cards of invitation."

"And I've got to be held up like a darned monkey
in the center of a circus, to make a darned monkey
show for good society to go a grinnin' arter? "

" The ordeal," said Mr. Geseign, " 'till the bell
wether invites you when the others will follow.
Assume a countenance of brass my friend for the
ordeal of sneers."

"Well," said Mr. Oldbiegh, with a sigh, "ef it has
got to be, then I suppose it might as well be done ; and

300 THE RULES OF SOCIETY.

the sooner it's over the better it'll be. But all I've got
to say is darn the snobs, and thar's the end on it! "

The express man came at this moment and took the
trunks away.

" Now, Tommy," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " I want you
to spend the coin like water ; for, as you've seen on
takin' charge of my affairs, I've got more of it than
any ten men could spend in a hundred years, even ef
they was all gamblers ! "

"Your harsh commands," said Mr. Geseign, "shall
be obeyed."

A handsome barouche, for which Mr. Geseign had
sent to the best livery stable in the city, now drove up
in front of the door. Mr. Oldbiegh and Mr. Geseign
entered it and Mr. Geseign threw himself back on the
robes in the back part of the carriage.

"What's the first thing to do," said Mr. Oldbiegh,
leaning over toward Mr. Geseign, "when a man gets
to be a snob?"

"Become impudent and cheeky and cut your old
friends. Assume plenty," said Mr. Geseign, " of dog ! "

"What's that 'ar'?" said Mr. Oldbiegh; it aren't
keeping dogs, are it?"

"No," said Mr. Geseign, "it is being your own
dog."

" How do the snobs do that 'ar' ? " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" By constantly comparing themselves with others,"
said Mr. Geseign, "in such a manner. that they by
the comparison are small extremely so. As a con
sequence the snobs appear large extremely so. Do
you capture my meaning?"

THE RULES OF SOCIETY. 301

" Yes," said Mr. Oldbiegh, profoundly ; " that's the
way the snobs do it. What a deep critter you are, arter
all!" added he, gazing at Mr. Geseign with a look of
intense admiration. " You'll wallop the snobs ! "

It had been arranged that all business matters were
to be left wholly in the hands of Mr. Geseign. When
they were assisted out of the carriage and walked over
the carpeted floor of the office of the hotel, arm in arm,
the persons seated in the large chairs beside the silver-
plated spittoons around the room, who were so busily
engaged in doing nothing, looked at them with interest.
The little clerk with black eyes and black beard behind
the desk stared at them steadily as they approached.
He was standing with both hands on the counter, wait
ing for them to speak, and was oblivious to the questions
of the persons around, who lodged in the top story of
the Palace and lived on ten-cent restaurant meals. Mr.
Geseign wrote his name on the register in a neat hand
and with a flourish ; and Mr. Oldbiegh, with his face
close to the book and his mouth open, drove the splat
tering pen slowly and painfully over the paper.

" Thar' ! It's done arter all, even the E. s. q.," said
he, with a smile of triumph on his broad features as he
finished. "Now," said the clerk, "what rooms will
you have ? "

A suite of four apartments on the first floor was
selected. Mr. Oldbiegh retired to the rooms with Mr.
Geseign, preparatory to having lunch in the large
dining-hall of the hotel.

The next morning Mr. Geseign was reading from the
papers to Mr. Oldbiegh the articles which had been

302 THE RULES OF SOCIETY.

written. They were intensely sensational ; and while
they went into no details, they stated that he was one
of the English aristocracy, and gave a skillful explana
tion of the life which he was known to have led during
the past few years. Just as he had finished reading
these articles, there was a knock at the door, and the
waiter brought in a neat card with " Col. Glifilling "
written on it.

"Say we are not," said Mr. Geseign, "at home."

" Haw ! haw ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh, " a course we're
not; we're in a hotel! Did the darned galoot write
that 'ar' leetle letter to know if we was stopping at
home ? " asked he, after the waiter had disappeared.

" No," said Mr. Geseign. " The remark was mine
a poetical society lie which saves trouble. The lie,"
added Mr. Geseign, "means your presence is not
intensely desired. Quite the reverse. It means
take your foot from off my threshold take your
mug from out my doah base creachaw ! "

" Do you know him ? " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" I have known him," said Mr. Geseign, " when he
would not know me. He," said Mr. Geseign, " is a
man about town ; he is apparently without a brain ;
but he is cunning and shrewd ; quite so. A man
about town is a curious phenomenon. The bosom
of his shirt is spotless. His cuffs are without
blemish. His clothes fit him well. In his deceptive
pocket he appears to have coin. When shaken it
will rattle. His hair apparently genuine is neatly
parted in the middle. In society telling small scan
dal you find him base creachaw I Were you to enter

THE RULES OF SOCIETY. 303

two houses at once you would find him in both ;
telling scandal in both. He dines with the rich
every day. The women must have him. He's as
necessary to their happiness as the inevitable
poodle! Analyze the creachaw. What is he? Lift
up his shirt bosom. I shriek to discover. It's a
pad ! Lift up his fair locks. I shriek to discover.
He is bald. Take the coin from his pocket. I shriek
to announce for you can't. They are keys ! Pull
off his boots. I shriek to discover his feet; they
are bare! What is he? I shriek to discover. A
man about town ! "

The next morning, at about the same hour, there was
a knock at the door ; and at the same moment a wide
awake, bright young fellow walked into the room.

" Mr. Oldbiegh, I presume," said he, as he took a
seat on a cushioned chair opposite Mr. Oldbiegh. " I'm
a reporter for the Weekly Flash; and as you have
achieved great success in life and have reached a high
position, of course it will be of interest to our readers
to learn the methods which you have adopted to achieve
this success."

"Well," said Mr. Oldbiegh, "you've got me thar';
darned ef I know myself, arter all."

" I know," said the reporter, " that it would take a
long time to go into the intricacies of your business
methods ; but what I desire is a general outline of the
rules of conduct which you have discovered to be the
most practical and most beneficial when applied. I do
not refer to what may be called the lesser rules, pro
duced by observation upon extrinsic matter, but I

304 THE RULES OF SOCIETY.

refer emphatically rather to your more general con
clusions."

" Say," said Mr. Oldbiegh, scratching his head
nervousty, " carn't you let me out of that 'ar' ? I never
got rich that way. I wouldn't a know'd how."

"Well," said the reporter, "I understand your feel
ings of delicacy, Mr. Oldbiegh, and we all know that
business men only get rich through intricate methods ;
yet I know that some of your business methods you
desire to keep a secret from the world."

"TharM" said Mr. Oldbiegh ; "you've struck right
dead onto it ! My delicacy aren't goin' to allow me to
tell it no who w. No, sir, I wouldn't injure the feelings
of no man by explainin' to him I've got more money
than he has. No, sir, I'll be etarnally bobbed ef I do ;
never! "

"Do you endorse early rising, Mr. Oldbiegh?"

" No, I always get up late," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Can't you give me something without going into
details, Mr. Oldbiegh, in a general and speculative
way ? " said the 3 7 oung man, looking at Mr. Oldbiegh
in a manner that seemed to say, "You take the hint?"

" No, sir," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " I never have went
into details ; and I'm bobbed ef any man catches me
fooling in them now; and as for speculatives, I'm
darned ef I do."

" Now, Mr. Oldbiegh," said the reporter, " I see I'm
on delicate ground, so I'll change the subject. Where
were you born, Mr. Oldbiegh? "

" Now you got me down again," said Mr. Oldbiegh ;
" darned ef I know ! "

THE RULES OF SOCIETY. 305

44 What were your first recollections? "

" I carn't say which was the first," said he. " I guess
it was bein' whopped ; but I'll try and think it up ef
you'll wait a moment."

" All right," said the young man, with a smile.

" Take some of them cigars," said Mr. Oldbiegh,
44 while I'm a whoppin' my brains up a-studyin' on it ;
Tommy says they're the best to be had anywhar'."
The young man, with the modesty common to reporters,
took one cigar. " Pshaw ! '' said Mr. Oldbiegh, u aren't
ther' plenty more in town? Stuff your pockets ! "

The young man obeyed orders. "Now," said he,
with a quaint smile, " Mr. Oldbiegh, don't you remem
ber starting out for a great metropolis a penniless,
barefooted boy, and sawing wood one frosty winter
morning for your first breakfast ; and haven't you had
a sour disposition ever since, because you had to per
form honest manual labor when young for a living or
something of that kind?"

" No," said Mr. Oldbiegh ; " yes, I do, too," added he,
his face lighting up ; "I remember once my father
ordered me to grease my saw and saw wood one Satur
day ; and instead of doing it, I went off with other boys
and stole watermelons and kept a eating of 'em 'till I
was sick ; and when I went home my par whopped me
for not sawing the wood 'till the skin peeled off, and I
couldn't ride horseback for two months ! "

44 Yes," said the reporter, with another quaint smile,

" but can't you relate something sensational about your

earliest experiences, when on the threshold of your

business career? Some striking scene of hardship that

306 THE RULES OP SOCIETY.

has embittered your life hardships that ordinary men
do not feel ! I throw this out as a hint. I don't expect
you to confine yourself to details. I should think you"
could recall something striking in regard to your first
experiences. Did you ever take a trip on a canal boat,
while walking barefooted behind the mules on a dusty
tow-path, or anything of that kind? "

" No," said Mr. Oldbiegh ; " I came out to Californy
in Forty-nine on a sailin' vessel ; and they didn't have
a mule aboard! "

The young man was puzzled. He looked steadily at
Mr. Oldbiegh with half an idea that the great business
man was " stuffing " him. Mr. Oldbiegh looked as
steadily at the young man with a queer look in his eye
that for the moment confirmed the suspicion. At last
an expression of enlightenment, immediately followed
by a benevolent smile, came over Mr. Oldbiegh's face.

" Young feller," said he, " I see what's the matter.
You've took me for a snob, arter all, haw ! haw ! and
it's so, haw ! haw ! " As soon as he could recover him
self, he said : " Come, we'll have a drink on that 'ar'
out of the bottle Tommy has stowed away in the burrer
drawer."

Mr. Oldbiegh dragged the drawer open, one end at a
time, with some difficulty, and drew forth a bottle of
yellowish liquid marked " Old Kentucky Rye." The
reporter was captivated with Mr. Oldbiegh's manner
and also with his rye ; his whole heart now went out to
him, and he formed a high estimation of Mr. Oldbiegh's
character ; as who would not ? After drinking a glass
together they parted warm friends.

THE RULES OF SOCIETY. 307

In a little while Mr. Geseign entered.

"There is," said he, "in this building another
ferocious creachaw like myself a lord. Think of it.
Two lords ! Contemplate the idea. Will I astound
you when I tell you we have met ? Yes, sir we
have met ! Think of it two lords ; great smash !
and yet I survive ! "

" Is he a French lord, a English lord, or a German
lord ? " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" An English lord," said Mr. Geseign.

" I thought so," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " for they are the
lords. A Frenchman or a German is nothing more
than an ordinary critter ; but you take an Englishman,
Tommy, with all his blood, and he is the Lord of Lords.
That's the reason they've whopped all nations except
the Americans ; and they'd whopped them too, except
that nothing can't whop them ! In the other cases the
lords done it ; when you see those lords get together
and go into battle, they never stop 4 till they come out
on the other side, and then you got to tie 'em up or
they'll never sto'p goin.' The common people in Eng
land aren't nothin' except a sort of bootblacks for the
lords. That's all they ever pertend to be therselves."

" There," said Mr. Geseign, u is your glittering
error. The Commons of old England are a grand
people. The lords are the barnacles on the back
of old England. They are the scars on the face
of society. The people of England make grand
warriors. In the past they had grand writers
Chris. Marlowe who wrote a grand play which was
cabbaged by Goethe and weakened. Old Billy

308 THE RULES OF SOCIETY,

Shake noble old cock! Shelley a, mass of intellect
and sweet Johnny Keats. Grand thinkers and
grand inventors ; all common people ; but the lords
are the ninnies. I will make a fearful admission
I am a ninny ! "

" I see, Tommy," said Mr. Oldbiegh, turning over a
newspaper, " I see the United States is goin' to have
four more iron-clad man-o'-wars made."

" Yes," said Mr. Geseign ; " an unpleasant fact."

" How's that 'ar ? " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Easy enough," said Mr. Geseign. " We must re
duce our expenses. The more ships we pay for
the less we eat. Your share of the ship decreases
your washing. You wear dirty collars. Unpleasant
idea. Quite so. Already we dispense with one
shirt a week and soapsuds with our cuffs to sup
port thousands of non-producing creachaws in the
army. Our shoes are unpolished while we pay for
a navy to take the Cabinet yachting. Our dear
little boy without a pair of white pants travels
the street shocking sight while we clothe a million
political bummahs in broadcloth and cheek. While
we have vast navy-yards where thousands of crea
chaws are busily engaged in chewing tobacco tell
ing snake and fish stories walking guard and turning
out to receive the commanding officah, our wife
with incessant screech dins in our ears for the bonnet
worn by her enemy ! While our baby keeps us
marching late at night in cotton moccasins and
shrieks like the foul fiend for costly paregoric, we
are paying the gambling debts of honor of young

THE RULES OF SOCIETY. 309

noodles in the army. While our beloved child
warbles its midnight notes and we walk, in kid
gloves -~the noodle waltzes at our expense with an
heiress ! Political economy by Thomas Geseign."

44 How's that 'ar'?" said Mr. Oldbiegh.

u Sit down," said Mr. Geseign, " and do what few
men ever do. Make a list of the articles indi
rectly taxed. Add up the amount. Subtract from
your present cost of living. You will find you
could live on a few shekels a month without
taxes."

"What's government good for arter all?" said Mr.
Oldbiegh.

"Chiefly," said Mr. Geseign, "for that curious
phenomenon the bummali. Too much government
and paupers go together. Geseign on Government !
Read him. A wonderful creachaw ! He is never
dry when he has cash ! "

The following morning after gettilig out of bed, the
first thing that Mr. Oldbiegh did was to take up the
Weekly Flash and run rapidly over its pages. For
many moments he did not seem to have found what he
was looking for, as he turned the paper inside out sev
eral times. At last his eye fell on an article headed :

A STRIKING CAREER!
ANT INTERVIEW WITH A GREAT CAPITALIST!

WHAT MR. OLDBIEGH HAS TO SAY ABOUT THE WAY
TO GET RICH !

A smile overspread the round cheeks of Mr. Old-

310 THE RULES OF SOCIETY.

biegh, and gradually crawled up to his ears as he read
what follows :

" One of our reporters had a pleasant interview with
Mr. Oldbiegh, in his reception-rooms at the Palace,
yesterday. On entering the rooms the reporter was
ushered into a large and spacious apartment where Mr.
Oldbiegh was found reclining negligently in a large
arm-chair, with his elbow resting easily on the table.
Mr. Oldbiegh is a striking man of about middle age,
perhaps slightly inclined to be corpulent ; and the re
porter saw at once in his clear, large blue eyes that
unmistakable quickness of expression which denotes the
great financier. He is a man who would be picked out
in a thousand. The broad brow, upon which are the
traces of intellect; a nose large enough to be a sign of
talent and business capacity, and an expression of com
mand about the mouth.

"There seems to have been something dark and
gloomy connected with the early days of Mr. Old-
biegh's business career ; and when the reporter saw
that it hurt Mr. Oldbiegh to talk about those times,
his feelings of delicacy prevented him from urging the
matter. This much, however, was gleaned: that Mr.
Oldbiegh was very poor at one period, without the
necessaries of life, and, perhaps, the story of harsh
struggles, indomitable energy, and unending perseve
rance has also connected with it scenes of suffering and
deprivation which will never be related to the world.
Mr. Oldbiegh disagrees radically with Franklin on the
question of early rising, and gives up all the time he
can spare to sleep.

THE RULES OF SOCIETY. 311

" Suffice it to say that Mr. Oldbiegh is now amongst
us, and is to be ranked with the sterling men who have
stood first iii our business world."

" Tommy ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh to Mr. Geseign, who
was washing his hands in the next room.

" Coming ! " said Mr. Geseign, as he entered the
apartment in his shirt-sleeves, wiping his hands on the
towel as he came.

" I've been interviewed," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " and it
aren't so hard to be interviewed arter all, because
the people on that 'ar' Weekly Flash write so fine and
so natch'ral."

"Nothing," said Mr. Geseign, "is hard after it is
done. You are always astonished to find how easy
it was. Things are hard only before they're
attempted." Mr. Geseign took the paper and read the
article through.

When Mr. Oldbiegh had looked at Mr. Geseign
abstractedly for some moments, he suddenly remem
bered that he was quite hungry; and pulling his large
watch out of his pocket, he glanced at it and said :

"Nine o'clock, Tommy. It's long after breakfast
time."

" No," said Mr. Geseign ; " the rules of society will
not permit us to eat 'till eleven-thirty. That is
the fashionable hour."

" But s'pose a man is hungry as a thousand wolves ? "

" He must remain," said Mr. Geseign, " as hungry
as a thousand wolves 'till eleven-thirty. The law

312 THE RULES OF SOCIETY.

is a most important law of society ; uevah to be
broken."

" Is that 'ar' the way with all the snobs ? " said Mr.
Oldbiegh.

" Yes," said Mr. Geseign. "I have seen one hun
dred snobs licking their chops and watching the
clock hungry as fiends. They will nevah eat- how
ever till eleven-thirty. No man can induce them
to break the rule."

" Say, Tommy," said Mr. Oldbiegh, in a serious tone,
u is that 'ar' the rule?"

" Yes," said Mr. Geseign.

" Well," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " I'm so hungry I
think I'll swear off being a snob ! "

" You should learn," said Mr. Geseign, " to control
your stomach."

" Say, Tommy, how about that carriage and nigger
and livery?" said Mr. Oldbiegh.

"I have purchased a carriage," said Mr. Geseign.
"I have also discovered a dark-complexioned
creachaw for a footman. As a piece of black art
he is striking. I have employed my old friend
Pitser Coop to drive. I have purchased for each
a plug hat. And their uniform is ready."

" Have you got your coat of arms painted on ? "

" Yes," said Mr. Geseign ; " I had two coats of
arms. One a roostah standing on a brass shield
crowing for all he was worth. This however
I did not use. The other a brass serpent coiled on
a sheep of silver with brass fangs protruding ready
to strike. This is on the doah of the carriage/'

THE RULES OF SOCIETY. 313

" What's the meaning of that 'ar' ? "

" That I who am audacious carry a fang also.
My own idea."

" Say, Tommy, you said I'd got to wear false teeth ? "

"Certainly,'' was the reply. "A social necessity.
The way of the world. Society demands it.'"

" Aren't serciety all monkeys, arter all ? "

" Certainly," said Mr. Geseign.

" So I've got to have the old ones drawed out and
new ones drove in? "

"Where the old ones," said Mr. Geseign, "have
become ancient and deformed."

" And I've got to let that 'ar' dentist pull away and
tussle with my teeth, till my boots come up, to be a
snob ? "

"Certainly," said Mr. Geseign. " A crying social
necessity. But one pull and one shriek and the
tooth is out ; the dentist revenged. The monstah
has performed his atrocious deed."

"No, sir!" said Mr. Oldbiegh, "I'll be etarnally
bobbed ef I do ! If my teeth was to be pulled, it
ought to been done when I was a boy."

"If you do not," said Mr. Geseign, "you will be
alone. In a vast concourse of elegant people with
false teeth you will stand all alone. 1 '

" That's better than go to a dentist, and have your
teeth pulled and squawk ; for I'd like to see a man
who wouldn't squawk when his boots was coming up ! "

The carriage to which Mr. Geseign had referred was
ready that afternoon ; so it was arranged that they
would drive out the Cliff House road. Mr. Geseign

314 THE RULES OF SOCIETY.

informed Mr. Oldbiegh that he had taken a box at
Emerson's Theatre.

" We will see Tommy Flagg. I knew Tommy,"
said Mr. Geseign, " when we both were stars as yet
undiscovered by scribbling astronomers. I recognized
his genius and he recognized mine. The fate of
genius when allied with a lamentable lack of
cash. His jokes are his own. They are original.
We both are witty. But one difference exists
between us. He's black and I'm white. Had we been
rich we would have been Tennysons and Whit-
tiers instead of minstrels. His wit in a book
would have made him a Dickens. Mine would have
made me a Shakspeare. My tuilliance however
was wasted in the exhilarating occupation of loaf
ing. Thomas Geseign will remain still unknown.
No slab to mark his wretched grave. No ghouls
to disturb his brilliantbones. The world is filled
with genius that dies quite so. I have seen the
shade of Dickens in many a minstrel with bones in
his hand. I saw Shakspeare as a bootblack uncon
scious of his greatness. I saw Byron as he drove
a milk cart one day. Alas ! what a fall ! I have seen
Tennyson and Wilde in every field of labor by
the hundreds ; all ready to write elegies on the
Queen's poultry very cheap ! "

" Is that 'ar, so?" said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" It's so," said Mr. Geseign, earnestly.

" What a set of monkeys the world is, arter all !
Human beings is nothin' but little gals and boys with
out their pinafores."

THE RULES OF SOCIETY. 315

That evening when they returned from their drive,
they found the cards of some forty callers. Mr. Geseign
held the cards to Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Examine them," said he ; " the elite."
" What's the flite?" said Mr. Oldbiegh ; "who's he?"
"A race we're about to discover. To describe
them and their wretched existence and their fol
lies," said Mr. Geseign, " would be a long and pathetic
story."

" Let her out," said Mr. Oldbiegh ; " I like stories."
"The elite," said Mr. Geseign, "are a motley-
crowd. Take a bird's-eye view of this motley crowd.
What a Gorgon it is ! The sun shines on this motley
crowd ; the wind blows on this motley crowd ;
and the rain pours on this motley crowd. As the
sun shines on the elite, you see painted cheeks you
see enameled faces. Delightful prospect ! You see
aged creachaws painted and perfumed. Enchanting
scene ! You see-^-youthful creachaws painted and
perfumed. You perceive a dude with a painted
cheek. A queer phenomenon and a satire on men.
You perceive other dudes. Phenomena likewise.
You perceive a fop ; ladedah creachaw. You per
ceive an ancient fop likewise ladedah. You perceive
a poodle dog. Curious creachaw. You perceive
other poodle dogs. The companions of females.

"And what do these curious creachaws all do
you may ask. They do nothing I reply these e*lite.
What do these curious creachaws then say ? You
perceive the .fop how he chatters. You perceive the
dude at times he will speak. You perceive that

816 A YACHTING TRIP.

painted old hundred how she chatters with a
tongue like a snake ! What then does this crowd
of creachaws remark ? Nothing I reply. It is simply
an ebullition of vanity. Of painted vanity. Of
hideous vanity. . Of enameled vanity. Vanity of
vanities. Quite so. They criticise one another. They
are backbiting one another. They tell lies about
each other. Oh ! tend ah companions ! They are the
flite I "

On looking over the cards, Mr. Oldbiegh found that
of Major Hawkins. On the large marble-topped table
in the center of the room Mr. Geseign found a note
addressed to Lord Geseign and another in the same
handwriting addressed to Mr. Oldbiegh. The pleasure
of their company was requested on board the yacht
"Black Hawk" the next day, which was Saturday.
The letter went on to state that there was to be a race
between the " Chispa " and the " Evangeline," and
that it was the purpose of the " Black Hawk " to follow
after them. Mr. Oldbiegh and Mr. Geseign discussed
the matter, and finally concluded to go.

CHAPTER XII.

A YACHTING TRIP.

rpOMMY," said Mr. Oldbiegh, the next morning,
? when he awoke, "what's o'clock?*' As the

A YACHTING TRIP. 317

brown wooden shutters were closed, both rooms were
dark.

" It's about," said Mr. Geseign, yawning as he spoke,
"it's about three o'clock. It won't be long till
daylight."

"Well, Tommy," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " I'm as hungry
again as a thousand wolves, and I've got to have some
thing to eat though it are against all the rules of
serciety ! It aren't three o'clock, either," said he,
dragging his watch from under his pillow by its heavy
chain and looking at it. " It's seven o'clock by my
watch, which is correct to a second."

" Hold ! " said Mr. Geseign, who arose from his bed,
whereby it was seen that while his legs were bare,
they were filled with sinews. Mr. Geseign then rang a
bell in the wall. " We will have some caffay in bed."

" What's caffay ? " said Mr. Oldbiegh ; " are it a dish
what the aleat are in the habit of eating? "

" Precisely," said Mr. Geseign ; " they eat it from
a cup. It much resembles the more common sub
stance called coffee. None but the elite can dis
tinguish the difference."

" It's queer I aren't never drunk none of it," said
Mr. Oldbiegh.

14 You have," said Mr. Geseign, "often; but your
rude and uncultivated tastes did not distinguish
the difference. Now that you are a snob in full
bloom a gaudy snob you will drink caffay! "

A waiter answered the bell and in a few minutes
returned with two cups of coffee. Both Mr. Geseign
and Mr. Oldbiegh were sitting up in bed awaiting his

318 A YACHTING TRIP.

arrival. As the reader has never seen Mr. Geseign
and Mr. Oldbiegh posing in this interesting condition
before, we will inform him that Mr. Oldbiegh's hair
was in that tangled and knotty state in which he has
often seen his own or his wife's hair at that hour of the
rnorningv or in which he will often see that of his
superhuman angel after marriage.

" Hold ! base creachaw ! hold ! " said Mr. Geseign
to the negro boy, who was about to leave the room,
after having placed the last cup of coffee in Mr. Ge-
seign's hand. " Down on your knees base crea
chaw ! You have filled my caffay with the corpse
of a fly! There has been a murder committed!
Oh ! horrors ! See his poor eyes as he swims in my
caflay ; he is dead. See his pale cheek it is stained
with red blood ! And yet you would have- me
eat this corpse to hide your crime ! Base mon-
stah ! "

" It wan't me, Massa. I nebber done it," said the
boy. "It wuth the cook done it, if anybody done it.
But I think the fly done it hisself."

"Your foul deed," said Mr. Geseign, "turns my
stomach. Bear out his ashes. Poor creachaw ! "
As soon as the coffee had been carried out Mr. Geseign
looked earnestly at Mr. Oldbiegh for some moments,
and then, as if suffering from an inspiration, broke out
in the following remarks: "This is the hour devoted
by nature to the pathetic birds. The sun falls on
the dewy grass on the glittering leaf on the blossom.
That weazened old creachaw the world now weeps ;
and the dew-drops are her tears. Vast scene of

A YACHTING TRIP. 319

pathos ! At this delightful hour the venturesome
worm is speedily beheaded by the beak of the
bird. Oh ! lesson of wisdom ! Greenhorns arise at
this hour to get wealthy and wise. Let them gaze
on the worm ! Silly creachaws ! they do not get
rich. Where, then is the liar I may ask? Oh!
beautiful hour ! The small boy rubs his eyes and
arises, pursuant to the yells of his father and
the shrieks of his mother and builds the fire with
kerosene. It saves labor; or else he catches fire
and burns to a cinder. In either case he is satisfied
the poor, angry boy.

" At this enchanting hour the fairy creachaw of
last night's ball may be seen. Tired creachaw ! Oh!
look now and die ! My eyes grow bloodshot. My
tongue hangs from my mouth and my hair is trans
fixed when I gaze on the scene. Oh ! where are
her locks ? They hang there on the window. Oh !
pitiable sight! Where are her coral teeth? In
that glass of watah on the mantel. Oh ! tragic
spectacle ! Where is she the creachaw who would
not say shoes lest it should mean her ankles?
Where is she ? I demand it ! With the air of a
queen five hours later perceive her tread over the
carpet shedding locks as she walks. Perceive her
hair in her eyes ; her scalp on the window. Fairy
creachaw ! What is she ? A dream ! Gaze on her !
a dream ! What are the locks on the window? A
small dream ! And those teeth now bathing in t! e
tumbler? A dream. I assert it! Poetical hour !"

320 A YACHTING TRIP.

At nine o'clock Mr. Oldbiegh and Mr. Geseign were
helped into their carriage by their liveried footman.

" Pitser," said Mr. Geseign, " drive to the wharf
in South San Francisco from which the yachts
start."

" Yes, my lord," said the driver, who had received
several lessons in private from Mr. Geseign. They
left a crowd of people staring at their fine carriage
with wide-open eyes, as they drove out to the street.

It was one of those still, balmy mornings, when the
air seems to be absolutely without motion. The winds
which had been sleeping through the night were
not yet awake ; and the white clouds in the south
eastern sky were like ships becalmed on the clear blue
atmosphere of heaven. The smoke from the iron
works on First street arose in black, curling masses,
straight up to the sky. The atmosphere was so still
that the everlasting rattle of the hammers in the
boiler shops was heard as distinctly as if they were
just at hand. They drove along Howard to Fourth
street, and down Fourth street to the large brick build
ing in which are the offices of the Central Pacific
Railroad ; and after that they began to wind in and
out of small streets so rapidly that Mr. Oldbiegh lost
his bearings entirely. Finally, after passing over a
plank road, lined with bales of hay on either side, they
suddenly emerged on a wharf, under the bowsprit of a
large ship, upon which two sailors were engaged in
scraping with their knives.

"I say my son!" said Mr. Geseign, calling to one
of them.

A YACHTING TRIP. 321

" Aye, aye, sir ! " said the party addressed.

" Do you know the yacht called 4 Black Hawk ? '
asked Mr. Geseign.

44 There she is," said the man, pointing to a dark
schooner, lying at anchor on the blue surface of the
bay, about one hundred yards from the wharf.

Her mainsail was hauled up ; but the peak was down,
and her jib was hauled half way up. A streamer was
at the top of the mainmast, and the American flag
was lying on the white top of the companion hatch.
The bow of the yacht was keen and had a beautiful
curve ; and on either side of the bow was gilt filagree
work. She had very little rake, and while she ran
with extreme swiftness, instead of going over the
swells, she ran through them ; as a natural consequence,
she took a good deal of water aboard.

44 Seems to me, Tommy, she has very big masts for
so small a boat. Do you think there's any danger of
her upsetting?"

44 No man," said Mr. Geseign, 44 can foresee. The
chief pleasure of yacht racing is the danger.
Yachting men as a rule are fast fellows. They are
willing -to die ! "

44 How's that 'ar' ? " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

44 Some of them," said Mr. Geseign, 44 are men dis
appointed in love poor creachaws and ready to
die. Others are old bloods tormented with gout ^
which the springs will not cure and ready to die.
Others old graybeards who dye every day to de
ceive the young females. As they fail to deceive
the young creachaws they are ready to die. There
20

322 A YACHTING TRIP.

are men also whose wives have brutal dispositions
and want to keep them at home. They therefore
go yachting that death may relieve them I "

" Who have got the fastest yachts ? "

" The most reckless," said Mr. Geseign. " There
are three of them owned by three desperate
lovers ! "

" What makes the yachts most dangerous? "

ki Like men who are dangerous," said Mr. Geseign,
" they are cranky."

"Is that 'ar' 'Black Hawk' cranky, I wonder?"
said Mr. Oldbiegh. "She looks to me fearful cranky
for a little boat. Say, Tommy, do you think it's going
to blow hard ? "

"Why?" said Mr. Geseign. "Have you dismal
forebodings? Do you picture yourself a ghastly
corpse a companion of fishes hobnobbing with
sharks ? Would you rather not go ? "

"No," said Mr. Oldbiegh. "Arter I'm started into
a thing, I go ahead and don't stop for no man, sharks
nor nothing; but I'd ruther not be eat, or be a floating
corpse, to be eat up arterwards by crabs and fishes and
eels and sharks, and be the first dinner they had in
three weeks ! Darned ef I do ! "

Mr. Geseign waved his handkerchief to a man who
was scrubbing the brass work on the yacht. The man
thereupon dragged a little cockle-shell of a boat tied
to the stern of the yacht alongside and got into it;
and in a moment the little boat was cutting rapidly
through the water as he rowed toward the wharf. Mr,
Oldbiegh and Mr. Geseign got out of the carriage.

A YACHTING TRIP. 323

" Pitser," said Mr. Geseign, " you may be here at
nine to-night ; and wait till we return."

"Yes, my lord/' said the man. He then touched
his hat and the darkey touched his and they drove off.

"Where are the rest of the company?" said Mr.
Geseign.

"They are late, sir," said the man. "There they
are now," added he, as several carriages dashed out of
a neighboring street and came on the wharf with a
loud, roaring noise. Some twenty gentlemen and ladies
were soon standing on the wharf, and the servants
took baskets from the carriages, in some of which were
seen the necks of bottles, which, one could judge by
the color of the liquid alone, appeared to hold vinegar.

" Lord Geseign, I presume ? " said a little man, walk
ing up with outstretched hand. " I am Captain
Hobbhouse."

44 The gentleman to whom we are indebted ? " said
Mr. Geseign.

" The debt's on my side," said the Captain. " Mr.
Oldbiegh, I presume ? " added he, giving the forefinger
of his other hand to Mr. Oldbiegh. Mr. Oldbiegh
looked long and steadily at the forefinger without
taking it. " Shake ! " said the Captain.

" No, sir," said Mr. Oldbiegh ; " I aren't in the habit
of shaking fingers! When I shake, I shake whole
hands ! "

" Oh ! " said the Captain, giving his whole hand.

44 Thar' ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh, gripping his hand
firmly, while a forgiving smile played on his features.

44 Commodore Slaughterbull ! " called the Captain.

324 A YAOHTIHG TRIP,

"Ship ahoy!" said the Commodore, a gentleman
very prominent in the butchering business.

" Let me introduce you to my friends, Lord Geseign
and Mr. Oldbiegh." They shook hands. " Commo
dore Mumblehead ! " said the Captain.

"Ship ahoy !" said the Commodore.

" He is our Vice-Commodore," said the Captain in a
low tone to Mr. Geseign. " Lord Geseign and Mr.
Oldbiegh, my friends and guests," said the Captain.
" Now," said he to Mr. Geseign, " I will introduce you
to our Admiral. He's a wonderful man. He's in the
fruit-packing trade, and does the biggest business in
the world. Oh ! Admiral ! "

" Ship ahoy ! " said the Admiral.

" Heave alongside, I want to board you," said the
Captain. " Admiral Cancramrner, let me acquaint you
with my friend, Lord Geseign." The Admiral came
forward and presented his forefinger to Mr. Geseign.
Mr. Geseign, with the rest of his hand closed, held out
one finger also. The Admiral looked sternly at Mr.
Geseign. Mr. Geseign looked as sternly at the Ad
miral. Mr. Oldbiegh stood at one side with a pleasant
smile, of an extensive character, on his features. The
Admiral, in the presence of all the company, who were
gazing steadily at both parties, at last opened his hand
and took Mr. Geseign's finger.

"Lord Geseign," said the Captain, " Lieutenant Gun
shot Wound ; Captain Glover ; ah ! I am forgetting
the ladies."

" That's the way with you sailors," said a stout lady,
who had four diminutive mouse-colored dogs, two of

A YACHTING TRIP. 325

which she carried in her arms ; another she compelled
her disgusted husband to carry, and the fourth was
under her dress and out of sight.

" Lord Geseign, Mrs. Captain Glover. Mr. Oldbiegh,
Mrs. Captain Glover."

" Lord Geseign," said the lady, " happy to know you.
Oldbiegh, glad to know you." The lady was one of
peculiar appearance. She had a piece of silk lace, of
black color, over her head, and over that a fly-away
hat ; and her face had on it that pure, and beautiful
pink tinge which, like Bulwer's ideal, while it is sup
posed to be natural, is yet superior to nature. " Old
biegh," said the lady, walking over to Mr. Oldbiegh,
" I like your looks, and intend to patronize you." Mr.
Oldbiegh bowed profoundly, and took off his broad-
brimmed hat, but said nothing. "Do not notice the
Captain, if he looks crossly at us. Although he is a
man of violent disposition, yet I manage him com
pletely. I call him my dear little bullet-head. Don't
I, dear?" said the lady.

"What?" said her husband, coming forward with a
sour look on his face, as if he anticipated something
disagreeable.

"Don't I call you my bullet-head?"

" Yes," said he, with an expression of disgust on his
features, as he walked off again.

Two other carriages now arrived. Four more
commodores got out, and three Mrs. Commodores.

"Lord Geseign," said the Captain, "the Hon. Mrs.
Dash, wife of one of our most noted Justices of the
Peace, and her friend, Mrs. Supervisor Cludger,"

826 A YACHTING TRIP.

Mrs. Cludger was of English descent.

" Are you long from Hingland, M'Lud ? " she asked.

" It is some time," said Mr. Geseign. Then Mr.
Geseign, being asked if he had travelled, replied in the
affirmative, and gave some of those delightful and
enchanting "word pictures," which are seen only by
travellers of experience ; and the " unfair sex," as Mr.
Geseign had had the audacity to call them while com
menting on their characteristics to Mr. Oldbiegh, list
ened with close attention to every word he uttered.

"I've been hawfully confined, 'ere, hin Hamerica,"
said Mrs. Cludger. " In Hingland we go out with the
'ounds on an 'orse and get some fresh hare, don't you
know. Everything is so narsty 'ere in Sarn Fran
cisco."

" Yes," said Mr. Geseign ; " the pitiable and narsty
creachaws are so low and narsty in Sarn Fran
cisco don't you know. Quite so."

" Have you 'ad any news from 'ome lately, M'Lud ? "

"Urn?"

" 'Ave you 'card from 'ome, M'Lud ? "

" No," said Mr. Geseign. " That is yes ; I have
heard from M'Lud Catchumquick of the death of
my brother Chawles while riding at the Darby. I
have come into the entail. Yet I'm sorry for
Chawles don't you know. He was such an awfully
jolly lahd. It was that that killed him."

" It's hawfully jolly," said Mrs. Cludger, " to 'ear
from 'ome."

" Urn ? " said Mr. Geseign.

A YACHTING TKIP. 327

" It's so hawfully jolly to 'ear news from 'ome,
M'Lud."

" It is enchaunting," said Mr. Geseign. " While
residing away I could hear of my own death at
home without a murmur."

" I don't like yachting," said the lady.

"N'more do I," said Mr. Geseign.

" I don't think the roads in Sarn Francisco are good
for driving, M'Lud," said the lady.

"Urn?" said Mr. Geseign.

"Hi don't think the roads hare good, your ludship."

"N'more do I," said Mr. Geseign.

" His Mr. Holdbiegh han Hinglishman ? " inquired
the lady.

44 Urn ? " said Mr. Geseign.

44 His Mr. Holdbiegh han Hinglishman, M'Lud?"

44 Naw," said Mr. Geseign.

"Gentlemen," said Captain Hobbhouse, "we'll go
aboard now, as I believe everybody has arrived."

A large white boat took them all aboard the yacht,
after making several trips. Several other yachts were
resting silently on the surface of the bay ; and boats
with flags at their sterns were seen going off from the
wharves to the yachts, with ladies and gentlemen in
them. The yachts all had their white sails up. A
tug-boat, with the steam buzzing out of her safety-
valve, was also resting on the water not far from the
yachts; and sounds of discord from the steam-piano
on a ferry-boat in the distance came floating over the
blue water. Suddenly the boom of the mainsaii. c e the
"Black Hawk" straightened out the sheet, and a iat-

328 A YACHTING TRIP.

tling was heard on the sliding bar; a moment after a
black riffled spot on the surface of the water showed
that the wind was beginning to rise. A little later a
white yacht, with a jib mainsail and topsail set, ran off
before the wind clown the bay, and curved off toward
a boat out on the bay, with a red flag on it, which was
the starting point. The "Ariel," the most beautiful
yacht of them all, was now seen coming down the bay,
carrying a large-sized " bone in her mouth," and salt
water sailors on her deck. The people on all the
yachts were very gay, and on several the young ladies
and gentlemen were singing. The Captain's son on
the " Black Hawk " had a banjo, and commenced
thrumming negro melodies upon it; before long, he
had most of the people on board singing.

" My Lord," said the Captain, after the yacht was
under way, and after he had turned over the wheel to
one of the men, " let us go forward into the cuddy and
splice the main brace."

Mr. Geseign and Mr. Oldbiegh went forward into
the cuddy, and in a little while the gentlemen began
to mysteriously disappear, one after another, from the
deck. The married ladies and their daughters were so
busily engaged in discussing Mr. Geseign, " who,"
Mrs. Cludger said, " 'ad the haccent of the oldest 'ouse
in Hingland," that they did not notice the disappear
ance of the males. The ladies were all in a high state
of rapture over Mr. Geseign, when one of them dis
covered the absence of her lord and master. The other
ladies thereupon discovered that their lords and mas
ters also were absent. An ever-increasing din of

A. YACHTING TRIP. 329

was immediately heard. Some one looked down the
companion hatch, but the gentlemen were not in the
cabin. As the companion hatch hid the forward part
of the vessel from the view of the ladies, who sat in a
semi-circular space behind it, no one had seen them go
into the cuddy. Several had been seen to get up on
the deck, look abstractedly out over the water some
moments, and while the head of the observer had been
turned momentarily away, in each case they had dis
appeared. The question was where were they ? Had
they all fallen overboard ? Although the supposition
was improbable, one timid lady feared they had. What
was to be done ? A venturesome lady solved the diffi
culty by rising and going forward. Looking down
the small hatchway into the dark apartment beneath,
she saw the gentlemen all in a bunch, holding upturned
empty bottles to their mouths. What their object was
in performing this strange act, we can only conjecture.
As there was nothing in the bottles, they may have
been performing some of those heathenish mysteries
still commonly practised by old sailors.

Mr. Geseign and Mr. Oldbiegh went on the forward
deck and Mr. Geseign was pointing out to Mr. Old
biegh the islands in the bay, Mt. Tamalpais, and the
other attractive features of the scenery.

" I have been to Indiah," said Mr. Geseign. " I
have seen the bays of Indiah. I have been to
Chinah. I have seen the cunning Chinaman in his
junk on his bay. Such scenery is attractive and
poetical. I have been on other bays of the world.

330 A YACHTING TRIP.

The scenery is attractive. Quite so. But the bay
of San Francisco is superior!"

Mrs. Glover took charge of Mr. Oldbiegh as soon as
the gentlemen returned to the after part of the schooner,
when she came and sat down beside him, placing one
*of her dogs, which was rapidly getting sick, between
them. The rest of the ladies took charge of Mr.
Geseign. They found him ready to discuss any sub
ject from the north pole to the south pole and from
east to west.

" What do you think of the picture of Shakspeare
in the last edition of his works, gotten out by the
Shakspeare Club of London ? " asked one of the young
ladies.

44 1 consider it," said Mr. Geseign, who had not seen
the picture, " a poor likeness."

" Why ? " asked the young lady.

41 It makes him," said Mr. Geseign, " have a pale
and melancholy look like a supernatural creachaw.
My idea of William," added Mr. Geseign, "is that
he was a jolly good-natured young fellow. He did
not have the inevitable high forehead. On the
street he would never have attracted your notice.
He was a common looking creachaw : because your
distinguished looking creachaw is an ass * He looked
like other men. He talked like other men. He
did not bargain for a cabbage in verse. No one
wished to sit at his feet and be taught. He did not
have the idiotic stare of a genius in his eyes. He
was a commonplace and ordinary creachaw in
appearance, but a wide awake man of business."

A YACHTING TRIP. 331

" Oh ! Lord Geseign ! How can you speak so. I
know I should have just worshipped him ; I could
have sat at his feet and looked up into those great
deep eyes," said the young lady.

"No," said Mr. Geseign ; "you would have liked
your young fellah at the front gate on a moonlight
night much better. Your young fellah would have
appeared the most brilliant."

" Oh ! no," said the young lady. " I could have sat
at his feet and looked into the genius of those deep
eyes forever ! I know I could ! "

" You," said Mr. Geseign, " could not. His eyes
were not deep but about the size of small beads
or those of a cat not large like those of sheep ! "

A dash of spray came down like a shower of rain
on the after part of the deck, from over the bow, and
put an end to this interesting conversation ; and the
ladies commenced covering themselves with shawls.
Mr. Geseign got under the same shawl with the pretti
est young lady on board. The racing yachts were
about half a mile ahead and were careening till their
gunwales were under. Mr. Oldbiegh had climbed up
to the weather gunwale and looked with suspicion
upon the near approach of the water to the lower
gunwale. The wind was constantly freshening, and
the yacht was cutting through the water at such a rate
that Mr. Oldbiegh in his excitement could feel his
heart slowly climbing up into his throat. The " Black
Hawk " was not in the race, but notwithstanding this
fact she had been creeping upon those that were, during
the last half hour, and now three of them were abreast

332 A YACHTING TRIP.

of her and to her windward. The lee rail of the
" Black Hawk " was constantly under water ; she was
fairly flying through the swells, which were gradually
increasing in size as they approached the Golden Gate,
and as she did not rise over the swells but ran through
them, she was in a perfect shower of water. Mr. Old-
biegh was still perched on the weather gunwale of the
yacht and was holding to the shrouds. The ladies
motioned to him to come down, and especially did
Mrs. Glover beckon to him to that effect; but although
Mr. Oldbiegh was soaked to the skin, he could not be
induced to move. The " Chispa," the " Evangeline "
and the " Black Hawk " were close alongside of each
other, and in the intensity of his excitement Mr. Old
biegh lost all fear.

" Say, Tommy ! " shouted Mr. Oldbiegh, " you see
that 'ar' critter a-driving the ' Evangeline ? ' I'll be
etarnally bobbed ef it aren't one of them 'ar' doods !
It's got on gold-rimmed eye-glasses, darned ef it aren't ! "

The " Evangeline " and the " Black Hawk " were at
this time side by side. The " Evangeline " now came
about very gradually, making nearly one hundred feet
in doing so. The " Black Hawk " also came about
suddenly and gained nothing by the movement. When
she bore off on the other tack, the " Evangeline " was
some distance ahead. Mr. Oldbiegh, who had in the
meantime crawled up on the other side, was intensely
excited. Looking steadily at the helmsman for some
moments, he suddenly shouted, " Whop 'em up ! "
While standing up and holding to the shrouds, he pro
ceeded to go through a number of curious antics in his

A YACHTING TRIP. 333

excited state. He took off his hat and waved it, and
as the " Black Hawk " gradually drew up alongside of
the " Evangeline," which had taken in her topsail when
she came about, Mr. Oldbiegh hurrahed at the top of
his lungs. While looking steadily at the persons aboard
the "Evangeline," Mr. Oldbiegh's face fell. Mr. Old-
whistle, with a comforter around his neck, a gray shawl
over his shoulders and spectacles on his nose, was
there. Yes, and now with a spy-glass at his eye he
was making a minute and critical examination of Mr.
Oldbiegh himself, as if he considered him a scientific
specimen.

" Thar' it is ! Thar' it is ! " shouted Mr. Oldbiegh,
immensely excited. " Thar's the yaller dog out yacht
ing ! Thar's the yaller soap ! Whop her up ! Whop
her up ! "

As the " Black Hawk " slowly bore by the " Evan
geline," Mr. Oldbiegh waved his hat to Mr. Oldwhistle,
and hurrahed and moved about the deck in such an
excited manner that Mr. Geseign, seeing that he was in
danger of falling overboard, seized him by the coat
collar and dragged him away from the side of the
schooner. After they had passed the " Evangeline,"
Mr. Oldbiegh with a beaming countenance came back
and sat down with the ladies.

" Well," said he, with a beautiful smile of triumph
covering the whole of his features, " we've whopped the
dood and the yaller dog, both o' them ! "

The yacht was now run up into the wind, the sheets
were payed out, and in a moment she was running off
before the breeze like a scared witch. The swells had

334 A YACHTING TRIP.

grown rather heavy and with her bow pillowed on the
top of one of them and the waves rolling out on either
side of her bow, she would run fifty feet before her bow
would go down between the swells again. This slow
up and down motion soon made the ladies sick, and
Mr. Oldbiegh, who was standing near the bow with
Mr. Geseign, suddenly said :

"Say, Tommy, I must have eaten somethin' which
has gone and disagreed with me, for I feel as if my
whole stomach was a-coming right up ! "

Mr. Oldbiegh was at that moment puffing violently
on a cigar.

" Throw the filthy weed," said Mr. Geseign, point
ing to the cigar, "overboard. No wonder you're
sick."

44 Oh, Tommy, I do feel so sick, as sick," said Mr.
Oldbiegh, "as though I was going to die ! I believe I
must a-been poisoned, Tommy ! " and he sat down on
the deck. But relief soon came and he recovered his
composure.

All conversation, strange to say, had ceased on the
part of the ladies. They all held their peace. Their
faces had on them a melancholy expression, and they
looked as if they were in mourning for some deceased
friend. The facetious young man was at this moment
talking about feeding the fishes, and, with a smile on
his countenance, was discussing the qualities of raw
pork ; but he suddenly stopped, and with a look of
gloom on his features went rapidly forward for some
mysterious purpose. All were lying about in a limp
condition, and there was a woe-begone expression on

A YACHTING TRIP. 386

their faces that is indescribable. One young lady, with
a hopeless look on her pale face, regardless of those
present, was lying with her open mouth against the
Byron collar of her dude lover. He also wore an un
happy expression.

But, as the old maxim has it, "it is a long lane that
has no turn," and soon they were running along under
the lee of the Marin county shore. While the wind
seemed as strong and the yacht appeared to be moving
as rapidly as ever, there were no swells to make the
passengers seasick, and they all speedily recovered.
While they were running toward Sansalito Mrs. Glover
got up on the deck and started forward for some un
known reason, when stubbing her toe against a cleat
on the deck, she fell overboard. Mr. Geseign, who was
standing by Mr. Oldbiegh's side at the stern of the
yacht, immediately dived into the bay without taking
time to remove his plug hat. Mr. Oldbiegh, with the
intention of following him, attempted to take his coat
off first, but in his struggle to remove the garment,
tumbled overboard backwards.

The yacht shot ahead, and the shrieks of the many
females on board rent the air ; the gentlemen shouted
to Mr. Oldbiegh and Mr. Geseign not to give up, some
thing that neither had the slightest intention of doing
in a hurry. However, the yacht was again run up into
the wind, a man got into the tender, and, to make a
long story short, in the course of time the point was
reached where Mr. Oldbiegh and Mr. Geseign were
struggling with Mrs. Glover, who seemed to be desper
ately engaged in trying to drown them both. They

386 A YACHTING TRIP.

were taken into the tender and ultimately arrived
aboard the yacht, Mr. Geseign minus his plug hat and
Mr. Oldbiegh in his dripping shirt sleeves. A fire was
built in a stove in the cuddy forward, and Mr. Geseign
and Mr. Oldbiegh went there to dry their clothes.
Their lady friends, who had locked themselves in the
cabin with Mrs. Glover, kindly contributed various
articles of clothing, which were sent forward, and in
which Mr. Oldbiegh and Mr. Geseign were clad until
their own garments were dry, which happened before
they reached Sansalito, for the yacht was kept tacking
off and on for an hour or two. The ladies also contrib
uted between them an outfit for Mrs. Glover ; and in
due course the anchor of the yacht descended with a
rattling sound into the waters of the bay of Sansalito.

Captain Hobbhouse had a brass toy cannon forward,
about a foot and a half long, which was charged with
as much powder as is usually put into a musket. The
Captain ordered one of the men to go forward and fire
this off. The ladies put their fingers in their ears as
the sailor touched off the cannon. A number of yachts
were anchored about the bay, amongst others the
" Ocean Bird," the Admiral's yacht. The Admiral was
now seen to march forward on the deck of his vessel
with a courageous and daring stride.

44 Isn't he a love of an Admiral, Mr. Oldbiegh?" said
Mrs. Glover, who was nestling close up to Mr. Old
biegh ; 44 he's so dignified ! "

The Admiral, with those dignified movements notice
able in great warriors, now got on his knees on the deck
of his vessel, scratched a match on the leg of his trous-

A YACHTING TKIP. 337

ers and touched off his cannon, by way of an answering
salute to the veteran Captain of the " Black Hawk."

Mrs. Glover suddenly discovered that her four mouse-
colored dogs had disappeared. Upon making search it
was found that during the rough weather they had taken
to the berths in the cabin.

" Captain ! " shouted Mrs. Glover to her husband on
making this discovery.

"Well, Mrs. Glover?" said her husband.

" Why didn't you look after my poor little pets?''

"I had to look after myself! " said the Captain, in a
sour tone.

"Oh I you horrid man ! You are absolutely good for
nothing at all ! " said Mrs. Glover. " What can I do to
reform you, you dear little bullet-head?" added the
lady, looking affectionately at her husband. The Cap
tain walked away morosely.

Mr. Geseign looked steadily at the round, powdered
and enameled face of Mrs. Glover, which, by the way,
had been injured by the water; at her stout figure, and
at the outstanding short curls around her forehead, and
then asked a young lady who was sitting by him who
she was.

" She is a curious character and one of the leaders of
society," was the reply.

" And her husband ? What on earth is he ? " asked
Mr. Geseign.

" Oh ! " said the young lady, " he's not much of any
body ! "

" How could he be? " said Mr. Geseign. "And yet
he resembles the hero of a dime novel in which
21

838 A YACHTING TRIP.

the characters are the pirate with the bloody hand
Merciless Ben with the evil eye and Silly Sam
the ragged fiend ! Our friend is the man with the
nightmare, the hero of the tale ! "

A waiter in a white jacket proceeded to set the table
in the cabin. It was about three o'clock in the after
noon and, as everyone had recovered from sickness,
they naturally felt very hungry. Some rock cod were
heard frying with a sizzling sound in the cook's galley
in the forward part of the schooner, and a delightful
odor was wafted aft to the nostrils of the hungry indi
viduals there assembled by an almost imperceptible
breeze.

After the guests sat down at the table, the first few
courses disappeared with marvellous rapidity. The
white and red wines from California vineyards, the
most delicious wines of the world, soon made both ladies
and gentlemen talkative and happy. In this delightful
state it took but little to set the table in a roar. Any
thing from a deranged countenance to a dismal pun
served the purpose ; and as a consequence the faces of
some of the witty young men were constantly being
deranged. When one youthful individual of fifteen
got into such convulsive laughter that Mr. Geseign had
to pick him up by the coat collar and deposit him on
the deck before he would cool off and cease to choke,
the company was much amused. When a comical young
man desired to know, with an injured look, which of
the ladies across the way was stepping on his toes,
whereat all the ladies suddenly drew their feet back,
producing quite a shuffling sound as they did so, there

A YACHTING TRIP. 339

was a prolonged state of amusement. Another wag said
thereupon that it seemed as if all the ladies had done
it. The first young wag was much pleased by this
remark, but when the second wag got off the antiquated
joke implying the fact that the first wag's feet must
necessarily have been large, the first wag looked discon
certed and began to metaphorically pummel his brains
for a reply. But the reply, as usual in such cases,
came too late.

The guests sat at the table for about two hours,
during which time Mrs. Glover patronized Mr. Old-
biegh immensely, and made her husband immensely
angry as a consequence. She also disgusted that un
happy personage by asking him questions in a loving
tone, which put him in a ridiculous attitude. Under
the effect of these two causes for disgust the Captain
waxed wroth and continued to wax more and more
wroth during the course of the dinner. This mani
fested itself in the numerous angry glances thrown at
.the oblivious Mr. Oldbiegh. After dinner was over
the Captain took Lieutenant Gunshot Wound aside.

"Wound," said the Captain, "did you notice that
fellow?"

"What fellow?" asked the Lieutenant.

44 Oldbiegh," said the Captain. "I have a great
notion to blow my cigar smoke in his eyes ! If you
were in my fix, would you ? "

"He saved your wife," said the Lieutenant.

*' It don't make any difference ; he is showing too
much attention to her," said the Captain, who may

340 A YACHTING TRIP.

have considered himself to have been injured by Mr.
Oldbiegh's heroic act.

" What did he call you?" asked the Lieutenant.

" Call me ! " said Captain Glover, angrily. " Noth
ing nothing, sir ! "

" Well," said the Lieutenant, " if he called you
nothing, I don't see that you have any particular
reason to blow smoke in his eyes."

" Wound, is it nothing to make an ass of a married
man in public ? " said his friend. " You're always in
too big a hurry. Wait till you hear me through. The
puppy has been flirting with my wife. Now, you see,
I'm in a heated condition, and I don't like to act with
out advice. What I want to know is whether it is my
duty as a soldier and a man of honor to blow my cigar
smoke in the puppy's eyes ! "

" Hush ! " said the Lieutenant ; " don't talk so loud ;
he's right over there and may hear you. No, I wouldn't
blow any smoke in his eyes. Your wife is able to take
care of herself."

" That isn't the point," said the fidgety Captain, in a
bitter tone. " I can't bear to stand here and see him
flirt. It grates on my nerves and I can't stand it; and
yet as long as he flirts, I feel it my duty to stand here
and watch him. It makes me wild. Blast it, I can't
tstand this any longer ! " said the Captain, as he saw
Mr. Oldbiegh bow profoundly to his wife. "Wound,
I mu>t puff smoke in the puppy's eyes. I must do it ! "

The Lieutenant argued with him at length, and at
last the Captain, who seemed to be dissuaded, went to
the forward hatchway, crawled down into it, and took

A YACHTING TI41P. 341

a heavy swig at a private bottle, which he carried in his
inside breast pocket, with the intention of soothing his
ruffled feelings. Now, instead of producing this effect,
it produced the opposite one ; and in ti little while the
gentleman went aft and commenced walking round
and round Mr. Oldbiegh, puffing a cigar violently as
lie did so, while he wore a murderous expression on his
face. Not only was Mr. Oldbiegh astonished at this
performance, but everybody else. The Captain con
tinued to pace around Mr. Oldbiegh, gradually blowing
his smoke closer and closer to that gentleman. What
catastrophe would have happened nobody can tell, if
the Lieutenant, who had been watching him, had not
come forward and taken him by the coat sleeve, telling
him he had something special to say to him and led him
to the forward part of the vessel.

"Let me go ! " said the Captain. %i I must puff my
cigar in his face, I know I must, and no man shall
prevent me! Have a drink?" said he, suddenly
changing the subject, as he drew his flask out of his
pocket.

" No," said the Lieutenant.

44 1 will," said he, throwing his head back and drink
ing off the contents of the bottle. " Say ! " added he,
as he grasped the lappel of the Lieutenant's coat, while
he looked at him with a wicked expression in his eye.
"Do you know why I took such a big drink? Because
I'm mad. And when I'm mad, I'm dangerous, see ! "

The Captain now sat down on the deck and leaned
his head back against the foremast, and with a gloomy
expression on his face became as silent as a corpse.

342 A YACHTING TRIP.

Thinking it safe to loave him in this condition, the
Lieutenant went to the after part of the vessel and
joined the ladies. By this time it was growing dark.
The red clouds in the west, which had followed the
sunset, had first changed to a leaden hue and then, as
the night approached, faded from sight. There was one
of those lulls in the conversation, which seem to occur
almost instantaneously at times, even in large assem
blies. The silence thus produced was suddenly broken
by Captain Glover, who commenced singing, in a doleful
tone, "She is Fooling Thee!'" On looking forward,
the ladies saw him sitting on the deck with his legs
hanging over the port bow. Mrs. Glover shrieked and
fell back into Mr. Oldbiegh's arms. Captain Glover
witnessed the whole proceeding.

"Oldbiegh," said he, "let her 'lone, sh-she's false I "
The Captain hammered his heels against the side of
the schooner, shook his head in a melancholy manner
and then broke out in the following poetical words, the
ripe fruit of his own imagination, which he chanted in
the same melancholy and dismal tone :

"Oldbiegh, she's false
And she is fooling thee!"

The lady with a shriek withdrew herself from. Mr.
Oldbiegh, who was greatly embarrassed by the situa
tion. The liquor which the Captain had taken was
producing more and more effect on him every moment.
He was now seen with his head hanging down on his
chest and his backbone in a curved state, and one of
the gentlemen, fearing that he would fall overboard,
went forward and, catching him under the arms from

A YACHTING TRIP. 343

behind, assisted him to stumble, with his heels far in
advance of his body, back toward the cabin and down
the companion-way, when he stowed him comfortably
in one of the berths.

There was an embarrassing state of silence again
amongst the ladies in the after part of the vessel. But
at last, owing to the efforts of Mr. Geseign, this silence
was driven away by the merry peals of laughter pro
duced by his witty remarks. The ease and good feel
ing thus produced were doomed to be broken into again
by Captain Glover, for at the end of ten minutes lie
was seen slowly crawling up the stairway from the
cabin. Tottering to Mr. Oldbiegh and shaking his
forefinger threateningly at him, he said :

" Oldbiegh, I come up to "form you I'm drunk.
When I'm drunk, I'm mad. When I'm mad, I'm dan
gerous! You see that water ?" said he, planting his
right foot on the deck to keep from stumbling. Mr.
Oldbiegh did not answer. " You see it?" said the
Captain, with a wicked expression in his eyes. " Well,
I s'pose you see it. I'll th-th- throw you throw you
throw you into it, if you fool with her while while
I sleep down there ! I'll be watching you ! "

The Captain, with another ugly look, then crawled
down the steps and got into his berth again and fell
asleep.

The lights began to appear in the little windows of
the cabins of the various yachts that were anchored on
the dark surface of the bay, and in the windows of the
houses on the shore. A bright glimmer over the tops
of the mountains in the east showed that the moon

344 A YACHTING TRIP.

would soon rise, and ere long the earth's satellite, ap
pearing to be of the color of burnished copper, rose
slowly in the heavens. A band of music, playing in
the dance hall on one of the wharves, sent its strains
pealing out over the water. The red-lighted ends of
the cigars of several gentlemen on the forward deck of
the "Black Hawk" appeared bright amid the shadows.
As the moonlight fell on the water, small boats, filled
with ladies and gentlemen, were seen putting off for
the shore. Most of the persons on the " Black Hawk *'
went ashore, and all assembled in the dance hall. The
music struck up and they danced till eleven at night.
As there was no breeze, it was useless to start for home.
Mr. Oldbiegh and Mr. Geseign were both there, and it
seemed as if Mr. Oldbiegh would never tire of dancing.
At eleven o'clock the yachts were still resting peace
fully on the surface of the water, their exact positions
being indicated by the red lanterns hanging in the
rigging.

Mr. Geseign, who had been "absent from the dance
for about two hours, suddenly appeared with a beauti
ful young lady in white on his arm.

"Whar' you been, Tommy?" asked Mr. Oldbiegh.

"We have been,'' said Mr. Geseign, "gazing ten
derly on the gentle features of the moon!"

At half-past eleven a slight breeze sprang up ; the
party was soon aboard of the yachts, and they all
started off together, the Admiral's taking the lead.
There were on board the yachts the usual quantity of
wags, and as it was too dark for grimaces they strained
their brains to recall funny remarks which they shunted

A SNOB BALL. 345

to each other. Some one, with a good voice, on one ot
the yachts, started up " Old Folks at Home," and the
people on the nearest yachts joined in the chorus. The
night grew chilly as the hours passed on, and all the
shawls and greatcoats were soon in demand. The
company ceased to sing ; they talked little and yawned
much as the morning approached. At about half-past
two the anchor dropped at the place from which they
had started.

CHAPTER XIII.

A SNOB BALL.

THE next morning Mr. Oldbiegh was the first to
wake. Rising to a sitting posture in his bed, he
rubbed his eyes with his knuckles. After performing
this feat he folded down the collar of his night shirt,
which the washerman had starched by mistake, and
which had therefore caused Mr. Oldbiegh to dream on
several occasions during the night that he was being
murdered by a villain, who was cutting his throat with
a dull carving-knife. Mr. Oldbiegh's hair was stand
ing out in all directions like the halo which surrounds
the head of a saint. His face, however, was a better
natured one than the face of the average saint.

" Tommy ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

The less expanded figure of Mr. Geseign arose to a
sitting posture like an automaton.

346 A SNOB BALL.

" What's the word? " said Mr. Geseign, as he yawned
and rubbed his eyes.

"I'm as hungry as a thousand wolves again, and I'm
darned ef I'll be elite ; so call up the nigger with the
caffay."

Mr. Geseign rang the bell and the darkey boy appeared
and was ordered to bring up coffee for two, which he
did in a little while. After drinking his coffee, Mr.
Oldbiegh arose, got his large pipe, filled it with Dur
ham tobacco, lighted it and proceeded to smoke.

" Tommy," said Mr. Oldbiegh, after a prolonged
silence, " women is queer, bobbed ef they aren't ! "

"They are," said Mr. Geseign; "a settled fact
quite so. You must handle them with gloves ! " and
he continued to sip his coffee.

" The older I grow," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " the more
curious they grow, til] they've growed so curious that
I'm etarnally bobbed ef I can make out the first thing
about them."

" Woman," said Mr. Geseign, " is like the Irish
man's flea. When you put your finger on her she
isn't there ! "

" Yes, sir," said Mr. Oldbiegh. " She'll go straight on,
acting all right as long as she hasn't got a notion in her
head; but when she takes a notion in her head, look
out for her ! I say," added he, as he struck the ashes
from his pipe into the palm of his hand, " then look out
for her! Her actions aren't no longer human, and as a
man is human, they carn't be understood by him nohow.
So when he sees her getting into that state, he better
let her alone ! "

A SNOB BALL. 347

'I agree with you," said Mr. Geseign, "in every
particular. A woman is seldom human, but always
intensely delightful. Quite so/'

" And what a fool a married man is, arter all," said
Mr. Oldbiegh, waving his hand loftily, in order to illus
trate his philosophical remark. " And what fearful
fools married women make of their husberns ; and what
monkey tricks they do play on the critters, arter all."

" A melancholy fact," said Mr. Geseign, in a gloomy
tone.

" I wouldn't be a married man," said Mr. Oldbiegh,
u like some I know, not for an ocean of gold ! Not
.inless I was a out and out monkey already ! "

" Neither would I," said Mr. Geseign.

" And then," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " when the hua-
bern goes off and gets tipsy, the wife says he has made
a beast of himself. What of it ? Aren't he a right to
go and drown the recollection of the ridiculous monkey
tricks she's played on him? I say he's justifiable,
darned ef he aren't. The wonder is he aren't poisoned
himself ! You see a husbern and wife sittin' together,
as I have, Tommy; sittin' together and talkin'. It's
all right till they begin to argy a little pint. See how
quick she shuts him up ! The man don't live that
won't be shut up, either ! Do you suppose he don't feel
mean in consequence? He does. It's natcheral. And
do you suppose he aren't a right to get tipsy? A-course
lie has. No white man would deny him the right under
the circumstances. Or, suppose a man's wife calls her
husbern a bullet-head in public. Aren't he a right to get
on a terrific bender ? It's justifiable. I would myself.

348 A SNOB BALL.

I'll be etarnally bobbed ef I wouldn't just howl ! " said
Mr. Oldbiegh, as he refilled his pipe. " Take the case
of that poor chap of a army officer yesterday aboard
of the yacht," said Mr. Oldbiegh, holding his pipe at
arm's length. U I never felt so sorry, for a man in all my
born days as I did for that 'ar' army officer, though he
did want to throw me overboard. Why did the critter
ever get into such a scrape by gettin' married? Wasn't
the darned galoot well enough off when he was single?
Why then was it he didn't let well enough alone?
Tommy, when I looked into the face of the woman he
married ; when I noticed the easy way she talked with
all the men, a paternizin' 'em and bein' so free with 'em
before his face, while she treated him like a darned
poodle with yaller eyes, and called him all sorts of
monkey names and paternized him the same way she
paternized them pups ; when I see the pizen paint
on her face ; when I see her fly-away hat, her lace
shawl, her long trained dress, her stout body and
her ruffled collar ; when I see all this, Tommy, and
the dogs, I felt so sorry for that 'ar' array officer I'd a
shook his hands, though he was x so mad at me, arter
all ! I'd a honored the man though he was full full
as a tick darned ef I wouldn't! But the queer thing
to me, which carn't be made out by no man, is why a
sensible fellow will go and tie himself up to such a ever-
lastin' kettle of fish ! Thar's the pint. A sensible man
won't go and put his leg in a steel-trap which is set to
catch a b'ar ! Sartinly not. A sensible man won't put
his arm into revolvin' machinery, or his head in front of
a cannon which is about to be shot off! Sartinly not.

A SNOB BALL. 349

But he'll go and marry such a critter as that 'ar', which
is worse ! "

" Don't worry yourself," said Mr. Geseign. " Married
men are creachaws hardened to criticism and
lost to feeling ! "

The invitations to dinners and parties increased daily.
Society was in a perfect buzz of conversation over Lord
Geseign. Fathers and mothers gave dinners to Lord
Geseign in the vain hope that he would take a fancy to
their daughters, and at those dinners the ogling of the
daughters was wasted on Mr. Geseign, and the fathers
and mothers found that the money invested in the
dinners was a poor investment; and the mothers
blamed and bullyragged their daughters in secret.
Many were the schemes worked out, the wires laid and
the traps set by match-making mammas in good society,
bad society and indifferent society to catch Mr.
Thomas Geseign. Still dudes and fops and snobs in
ever-increasing numbers fluttered around the lord.

It was strange that plots so skillfully laid by such
experienced hands did not result successfully for those
who laid them, laid them with the industry of badgers.
Mr. Geseign was now considered "such a handsome
man," "so intellectual!" Some mischievous person
spread the report that Mr. Geseign had written a good
deal. Mr. Geseign waked up one morning famous, and
found that all the members of good society were not
only familiar with what he had written, but with a great
many of Ids works which he had not written. Wher
ever he went he heard so much about his works which
he did riot know himself that he lived in a constant state

360 A SNOB BALL.

of astonishment. He was surprised to find what an
industrious individual he must have been. The typical
ant was robbed of his glory. He could now account
for the fact that men can be great writers without
having ever written anything.

A grand ball was to be given one evening at the resi
dence of Mr. Webee, of the noted land-grabbing firm
of Webee, Adam, Hogg & Co. The preparation for this
ball had been going on for weeks, and it was known that
it would be a grand affair. Amongst the e'lite who
were to be present, it was whispered that both members
of the great money-brokering firm of Face & Dues
were to be there. Mr. Calico H. Sudds, a millionaire
who had been educated in a laundry institution, was to
grace the party by his presence, The members of the
great firm of Kittenhouse, Nightowls & Tomsir, who
put up such a vast quantity of sausages annually, were
to be there ; and the lovely daughters of Mr. Kitten-
house were to be present. The daughters of both
members of the great undertaking firm of Stiff & Bone-
yard were to be there, and it was whispered that the
young ladies would be tastily dressed in white, the
emblem of purity.

Everybody was so glad that Mr. Boneyard was to be
there, because he had always such a humorous smile on
his features and was so funny; and, besides, his great
and eloquent speech upon the subject of corpses at the
last annual convention of undertakers had made him
unusually prominent. Strange to say, that stout old
creature, Mrs. Stiff, who had not been to a party for
fifteen years, was to be there.

A SNOB BALL. 351

This fact, which so astonished all persons who were
elite, is explained when it is stated that she had matri
monial schemes and wives laid for Mr. Geseign ; and
she now intended to step into the ring of good society
to do battle with her toughened sinews for her eldest
daughter. And the great and world-renowned Polish
fiddler, Sqeakysquawkgow, was to be there ; and it was
rumored that he would play just one little piece, for
which it was whispered in a lower tone Mr. Webee
would come down to the tune of seven hundred dollars.
It was said that this last-named music oppressed the
gentleman so much that it gave him the stomach-ache
to think of it. The great Mrs. Yard, of the firm of
Yard & Furlong, was to be there, and it was whispered
by good society in a low tone and with a satirical smile
that she was going to show that hideously long neck of
hers by wearing an extremely lo\v-necked blue silk.
And then Messrs. Berup & Carrier, the rich owners of
one of the horse-car lines, with their wives and daugh
ters, were to be present. Amongst the most noted
firms to be represented and advertised at the ball were
Sweitzer & Beer Schooner, Kraut, Key & Dowel, Siloe
& Fass, Divine & Blackleg and Heifer & Bullock, the
great cattle men.

Amongst the distinguished persons to be present
were Professor Davy Mud, in the public service ; W.
L. Sheep, president of a college, and J. K. Teagarden,
a gentleman lately involved in a prominent and high-
toned scandal in good society. Amongst the persons
who had distinguished themselves in the grocery line
were Messrs. Soap & Tartar. One of the persons who

352 A SNOB BALL.

had become noted in the career of a merchant was
that portly personage, James Overdue ; and a person
who will go down in the annals of San Francisco em
balmed in glory as a pawnbroker and skinflint was
Nehemiah Pinch, one of the wealthiest men on the
coast. Perhaps of all the persons to be present those
whose names will sound most familiar to the general
public were Amos Smith and William Jones, men not
only well known themselves, but of families so noted
that they are found as far back as the Conqueror, and
of such extended membership that their cognomens
are in every directory.

As the date of the ball approached, society reporters
gave less time to informing the general public that
Mrs. Smith was visiting her friend Mrs. Jones at San
Rafael, and that Judge Veneer had gone to the springs.
The price of swallow-tail coats rose so high that the
amount cannot appear safely on these pages. Even
those which were rented for the occasion brought aston
ishing figures ; and when a friend loaned one to another
he felt that he had placed him under lasting obligations.
The drivers of hacks, who had contracted for the use
of their vehicles weeks before at low rates, broke ruth
lessly through their agreements on the day of the ball,
and rented them for four or five times the money.
Messenger boys were in constant demand by the ladies
of good society, and were sent on errands that made
them open even their hardened little eyes.

On the evening of the ball, gentlemen who had
already dressed stood in their swallow-tails, with red
roses in their buttonholes, at their front doors, waiting

A SNOB BALL. 353

impatiently during that extra hour after their wives
have announced themselves as "ready coming in a
minute," and during which extra hour they put on the
extra touches. As a natural consequence, the many
husbands who thus stood impatiently at their front
doors were unanimously angry. Had a bird's-eye view
been taken of the brilliantly lighted city of San Fran
cisco that evening, hacks might have been seen rum
bling over the roads from all points of the compass, and
stopping at one central point. Beautiful ladies in
white, slightly touched with powder and slightly
touched with pahit, dressed in their best wigs, and in
light dresses of all colors, with their fans in their hands,
might have been seen by any impertinent fellow who
had the audacity to glance through the hack windows.
The stout lady in a white dress and closely laced cor
sets,- with her light complexion, blue eyes, yellow wig,
bare arms and bare shoulders, was in one of the hacks.
And in another was that interesting little piece of
vanity, the thin, jealous, black-eyed lady, in the blue
silk dress and newspapers. And then in that immense
carriage, with the white gentleman in front, in brass
buttons, and the black gentleman beside him, also in
brass buttons, was that stout, middle-aged mamma,
with the brow of a warrior, and a moustache on her
upper lip; with a slim gosling girl on her right, a slim
gosling girl on her left, and a slim gosling girl in front
her daughters, for whom the matrimonial trains were
laid, for whom the matrimonial war was to be waged,
and for whom the matrimonial prisoner must be taken,
named and tortured. There she sat in her glory.
22

354 A SNOB BALL.

In yet another hack, sitting there in his swallow-tail
coat, as the guest of another, was that wretched fool
and insignificant creature, a poor man. See how the
creature, with his head erect, as he sits on the purple
cushions of His rich and renowned friend, Kittenhouse,
of the sausage firm, attempts to look as if he might
have been rich. What a melancholy picture he pre
sents amidst such wealth. How awkward, how out of
place, how absurd. It is not in him. He is not rich.
Then why should he have the audacity to look rich?
The look is not genuine, and everybody sees it, *-or
will see it, and note the pitiable figure he cuts. Every
body knows the genuine rich look of the genuine rich
man. There is a certain air about it which, like the
air of true gentility, which denotes blood, can be recog
nized at once by all.

The lights burning at the foot of the steps showed
the white canvas leading up to the doorway of the
mansion. And as carriage after carriage arrived, the
lady in her dancing slippers, clinging to the arm of her
cavalier in swallow-tail and white tie, proceeded to
walk up the steps to the house. Nothing was seen
before long in front of the edifice but a mass pf black
carriages with pink-cheeked ladies in them, and drivers
in uniforms buttoned to the chin, looming up above the
hacks. When the horses became restive, and backed
carriages into other carriages, and scraped the paint off,
the drivers did not blaspheme aloud ; they were too
well-bred, and, therefore, did so in silence on a more
extensive scale. And when the vehicles became all
tangled in an apparently inextricable manner, as their

A SNOB BALL. 355

whole attention was given to business, each driver
postponed his swearing until the next day.

A perfect stream of ladies and gentlemen was going
up and down the stairs leading to the dressing-rooms.
Mr. Webee, being a shrewd individual, had stationed a
negro servant in a swallow-tail at the door of the first
parlor. He himself was standing in the doorway be
tween the first and second parlors. Mrs. Webee was
on his right, and Miss Webee on his left. When a
guest, on coming down from the dressing-room, met
the dark person at the door of the first parlor, because
of his color, he did not make the embarrassing mistake
of taking him for Mr. Webee himself. The servant
asked the guest's name, and then shouted it aloud to
Mr. Webee, so that Mr. Webee, Mrs. Webee and Miss
Webee would all three understand which of their
friends was about to speak to them. In the course of
time most of the guests had shaken hands with their
hosts and the dancing had commenced. The musicians
were seated in a .bay-window, and as the windows were
open the sweet music of the harp and violin floated
out upon the night air.

Late in the evening the presence of Lord Geseign
and Mr. Oldbiegh was announced by the servant in a
tone which was heard above all the music. Mr. Geseign
was dressed in a most striking manner, and his costume
was the handsomest in the house. Mr. Oldbiegh and
Mr. Geseign were both soon seized by the matrimonial
mothers, who at once commenced work upon them.
Later, Mr. Oldbiegh was moving about and talking
good-naturedly to every one ; and he was seen on a

366 A SNOB BALL.

number of occasions during the evening conversing with
the white waiters, who were divssed in swallow-tails
and whom he evidently took for persons of the elite
who had achieved fame in the business world. That
lady was there who always seizes a man's arm when the
ball opens, goes through the whole family history and
releases him generally when the party is over. She
finally got hold of Mr. Oldbiegh, and clung to him
closer than a brother. However, before she had seized
upon him, Mr. Geseign had taken care to describe to
him some of the persons present. Referring to the
matter as an ill omen and one that boded no good to
the country, Mr. Geseign pointed out a corpulent dude
he had seen walking arm in arm with a judge of the
Supreme Court that morning. They were standing in
an alcove by themselves when Mr. Geseign said :

"Do you see him the creachaw with the beard
which is red and the crown which is bald? He,"
said Mr. Geseign, " would sell his dead mother. He
is a skinflint and rich. He loves his fellow man
as tenderly as a shark ! "

" Darned ef he don't look it ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh.
" He'd squeeze the eagle on the American dollar, as
they say, till it squawked ! "

"Do you see," said Mr. Geseign, "that mountain
of flesh in female shape on the sofa ? "

"I do," said Mr. Oldbiegh. " What a critter it are,
arter all. Is it a female dood? She's been puffin' away
like a steamer goin' up the river against the tide ever
since she came up the steps. Is she one of the reg'lar
snobs? What a thing it is to be a snob, arter all ! "

A SNOB BALL. 357

" She," said Mr. Geseign, " has in regard to me
Lord Thomas Geseign base designs. She seeks to
burden me for life ; I repeat it, with emphasis for
life with a horror I The horror Matilda by name
is her daughter! I deny her claims. I sincerely
protest. Do you perceive that other mother and
that other horror ? the next on her left ? It is also
destined for me. I object and protest. Do your
keen eyes perceive in the opposite corner a mat
ronly mother? Do you perceive in addition her
horror? It is likewise for me. I protest and object.
See them all how they smile; both mothers and
daughters. They would give me the horrors ! I object
to the horrors ! "

"Haw! Haw!" said Mr. Oldbiegh, while ripples
chased each other over the surface of his vest.

"Hush! base minion!" said Mr. Geseign, " or we
are discovered ! " A low, rumbling sound was heard
under Mr. Oldbiegh's vest, somewhat like theatrical
thunder, which gradually passed away. " Do you see
it the creachaw walking this way ? A curious
bird. That thing is a dude. Its legs resemble an
ostrich's legs. See the creachaw. Watch its actions.
Oh! curious creachaw! It loves the ladies. Oh!
curious fascination ; and the ladies love it. It can
live on woman's smile. It needs no more. Ah!
curious phenomenon. A delicate appetite. Strange
phenomenon ! "

"It looks as though it might, and didn't need no
other grub, haw ! haw ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

"Base minion ! hush ! or we will be dibcovered. !

358 A SNOB BALL.

said Mr. Geseign. " Do you see the stout angel there
dressed in black velvet and a shower of dia
monds ? The diamonds are hired from the uncle
of the three golden balls ! To-morrow they will be
returned." The rumbling was again heard beneath
Mr. Oldbiegh's waistcoat, but he squelched the " haw !
haws ! " although tears came into his eyes in the
struggle. " Woman you will perceive," said Mr.
Geseign, "on examining this assemblage loves her
sister woman with bitterest hatred. They bear
toward each other the friendship of tarantulas.
Listen to the buzz of murderous and bloodthirsty
female tongues. Hear them rattle and hiss like
the sound of serpents in a pit. Listen to the buzz
like a sawmill of villainous tales. Curious crea-
chaws ! "

" If a woman falls from grace," said Mr. Oldbiegh,
4 the others are arter her like a pack of wolves. And
the way they tear her to pieces arter she's caught, to
hide their own little monkey shines, beats cock fightin' ! "

44 And yet," said Mr. Geseign, "they sell their
daughters to rich men C. O. D. They practise
what they condemn. Oh ! logical creachaws ! "

" That 'ar's the way on it and ther' aren't no mistake,"
said Mr. Oldbiegh.

44 What is this ball?" said Mr. Geseign, looking
out over the assemblage. 4% A grand advertising-
medium. A curious idea but true. It is also," said
Mr. Geseign, "a shop. Here flesh is sold to aged
hyenas. Here husbands are bought by hideous
antiquities. It is also," said Mr, Geseign, "a fish-

A SNOB BALL. 369

pond. Old ladies come here to fish. I have seen a
number of tendah mothers with daughters matri
monially inclined fishing for me. Their hooks
hang down through the waters of scandal from
above. I am the fish. Their hooks are baited
with daughters ! A scene for the crayons of an
artist!-"

" It's all a holler mockery ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh,
solemnly.

"No," said Mr. Geseign, "no mockery at all.
While they fish they're all in sober earnest. Their
persistence is untiring. Their patience endures.
Their energies admit of no rest. They are relent
less and cruel. If you were a mother you too
would go fishing."

"Look at that 'ar' critter," said Mr. Oldbiegh.
" What a walkin' pot of paint it is, arter all."

" And oblivious to the fact," said Mr. Geseign.

"Tommy," said Mr. Oldbiegh, solemnly, "the
preachers is right, arter all. The world is a holler
mockery. Especially the snobs ! Darned ef they
aren't!"

" You see the world now," said Mr. Geseign, " with
the blanket thrown over it. Lift the blanket and
shriek then to discover "

"And all the people who come here pretend to come
because they're friends, and out of friendship ; and yet
they've got to have a nigger to sing out their names,
arter all."

"According to my true definition," said Mr.
Q-eseign, " they are friends. A friend is that monster

360 A SNOB BALL.

who expects future favors. They all do expect.
They therefore are friends."

"Howdy, Mr. Oldbiegh, howdy!" said a little man,
walking up, whom Mr. Oldbiegh recognized as Mr.
Glennon, with his daughter on his arm.

Mr. Oldbiegh introduced Miss Glennon to Mr.
Geseign, and while they were talking Mr. Gleunon
took Mr. Oldbiegh by the sleeve and led him aside.

" Oldbiegh," said he, "I've got something to tell you."
The little man began to get excited at once. u Another
villainous spendthrift has been engaging himself in
secret to my daughter. A perfect blackleg without a
penny. I was kept in the dark by the wretched girl.
I had a dose of ague and was as yellow as an orange
at the time ; but, nevertheless, I found them out. I
heard mysterious creakings at the front gate night after
night. I knew it couldn't be the wind, because there
was no wind. It couldn't be the dog, because the dog
doesn't swing on the front gate. I was sick in bed in
the back room of the house. I went to the front room
and sick as I was I sat there in the rocking-chair by
the window, listening to what they said, in nothing but
my night cap and night shirt. I did not hear what
they said the first night, because they spoke in a low
tone. As time passed on they grew bolder and spoke
louder. I waited patiently to hear his name. 1 heard
it. I at once determined to blacken it. The next
night he came again. Some time near daylight Maud
Unit swinging on the gate and went into the room
directly under the one in which I sat. The young
came back and stood at the window and spoke

A SNOB BALL. 361

disrespectfully of me. In the corner at my right was
a gun, loaded with peas and red pepper for cats. The
young swindler started off and when he had gotten
half way to the gate he spoke disrespectfully of my
bald head. An irresistible impulse seized me, Oldbiegh,
and I up with the gun and let him have the peas and
red pepper. You should have been there to hear the
blackleg shriek, Oldbiegh," said the little man, exci
tedly. " It would have done your heart good to hear
him. It was the most genuine shriek I ever heard.
The pepper did it. 1 attribute it all to the pepper ;
though the peas may have stung. And the best part
of it was the neighbors rushing out of their houses
recognized him. I immediately began to shout 'burg
lars ' and the young man ran. Maud, of course, fainted.
The young man won't explain the matter, Maud won't,
and I wouldn't it I was tortured; so the young fellow
has got the reputation of being a burglar. Hurrah,
Oldbiegh ! Hurrah ! I hardly think he'll court my
daughter again in secret. At any rate, he'll have to do
so standing up, for I'm sure he won't be able to sit
down for six months ! "

After the little man's excitement had somewhat
subsided, he proceeded to point out many of the guests
to Mr. Oldbiegh.

"* Do you see that tall, gawky fellow?" said he, point
ing to <i man who was dancing with a handsome lady
near him.

u Yes." said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" He looks as though he might be as mean a man as
old Joe Squeerly, don't you think so, Oldbiegh? "

362 A SNOB BALL.

"Never know'd him," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Don't you think now," said Mr. Glennon, " that
he's got an unusually wicked eye?"

" Well," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " it might be and then
again it raightent. It's ruther hard to say."

"Don't you think, Oldbiegh, that green stuff is in
execrable taste ? By the way, how'd that lawsuit
come out? "

"What suit is that 'ar'?" said Mr. Oldbiegh.

"The one in which you got a widow into trouble.
Oh! lye! fye ! Oldbiegh!"

Mr. Oldbiegh's face assumed a very solemn expres
sion at once.

"I'd a thought," said he, in a slow and dignified tone,
"that that 'ar' two-forty widdyer was over and done
for. I'd a thought it. But now I see if a man once
has trouble with one on 'em it sticks to him, like
leprosy, to the grave. Death alone will let him loose."

" Speaking of lawsuits," said Mr. Glennon, " wher
ever I've been in all my life, I've always been in law
suits. It's wholly unaccountable. I can't account for
it at all. By the way," said he, in an excited tone,
"balls are nuisances perfect nuisances; and especially
to a person who lives in Oakland. By the way, Old
biegh, how did you like Oakland?"

" Very much ; how do you like it ? "

"I don't like it," said the little man; "it's the most
unsociable town on the Pacific Coast. After the first
month or two I was there the people quit calling on me
altogether. It's wholly unaccountable."

At this moment the hostess came up and told Mr,

A SNOB BALL. 363

Oldbiegh that she wanted to introduce him to a charm
ing lady, one of the most charming ladies in "our
circle ; " a lady who was a leader in good society and
had such a " distangy " air.

" What's that she's got ? " said Mr. Oldbiegh. " She's
got a mustang? They're mean critters."

*' Such a distangy such a refined and distinguished
air," said the lady. " Perfectly distangy, you know."

u Haw ! haw ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh, for the moment
forgetting himself, and then suddenly choking and
turning purple in the face. The lady looked at him
with astonishment.

" What were you pleased to remark ? " she asked,
sarcastically.

"I was only larfin'," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " at one of
them 'ar' ideas which come to a man so sudden."

" Oh ! " said the lady. " Well, as I was saying, she
has a distangy expression and looks like a perfect
queen."

"She aren't got four lead-colored pups, are she?"
said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Why, you surprise me ! " said the hostess. " You
know her, Mr. Oldbiegli ? '

" I do," said Mr. Oldbiegli, solemnly.

At this moment they reached the sofa on which Mrs.
Glover was sitting in all her glory.

" Why, my dear Oldbiegh, how d'you do ? "

"Howdydo, mum?" said Mr. Oldbiegh.

"Don't you know, Oldbiegh, 1 hardly expected to
get here at all. I had such trouble in getting Nita to
go to sleep, poor child,"

364 A SNOB BALL.

"How many children have you got, mum? "said
Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Oh ! you silly man ! I have none," said Mrs. Glo
ver. " Nita is one of my pets."

"Dorgs?" said Mr. Oldbiegh.

"Dogs," said the lady, "yes, if you must call them
by that coarse name. Don't you know, Oldbiegh, the
little pets worried me nearly to death last Sunday.
Before going to church I tucked them away snugly in
their little bed in the nursery. You know I've got one
of those stupid creatures, a new cook. Well, I was in
church on my knees, when who should come bouncing
down the aisle but my four little pets. The sexton
tried to stop them, but with a yelp, they bounced by
him. The new cook had let them out. What was I
to do, you will ask. I put them all under my dress
and tried to keep them there ; but being in a playful
condition they commenced gnawing at my stocking
and growling. What was I to do, Oldbiegh?" said
the lady, pausing.

" Bobbed ef I know ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh, with
a bow.

"I had to let them out, and they went bouncing
through the spaces in the chancel rail, and at last com
menced tugging at the minister's white surplice. I
know they were fearfully irreverent, and I was nearly
crazy with anguish. I perspired so, Oldbiegh, that not
a dry stitch was left on me. You know how people
will laugh at the slightest thing in church. Well,
everybody was laughing, and I was so embarrassed at
the naughty behavior of ray pets that I turned all

A SNOB BALL. 365

colors of the rainbow. Parley vous Franz say ? Be
cause if you do I want to tell you the rest in French/'

" I'm sorry, but I never have done it," said Mr. Old-
biegh; "but ef I continue to be a snob, it may come
easy yet."

" Oldbiegh," said Mrs. Glover, " I've taken quite a
fancy to you. By the way, you must excuse my hus
band's actions on board the yacht; but you men will
persist, you know, in making such fools of yourselves !
I know what you are. All about you, Oldbiegh.
Fye ! fye ! " and the lady shook her finger playfully at
Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Well, mum," said Mr. Oldbiegh, in his most solemn
tone, " it do seem, arter all, as ef everybody has to go
and get informed of what took place between me and
her; and as if that 'ar' critter is goin' to haunt me to
my grave and arterwards, as a widdyer ; but whatever
you hear about me and that 'ar' two-forty widdyer, it
aren't no use to believe a word of it, for it aren't so ;
and I'll be etarnally bobbed ef I'm ever seen within
forty yards of a critter of that kind again, unless I've
got the whole police force along to protect me, nohow !
A woman of that kind is worse than a grizzly bar, and
a cinnamon bar aren't nowhar' to her ! "

After delivering this address in an earnest manner,
Mr. Oldbiegh drew his red-bordered silk handkerchief
from his coat-tail pocket and wiped his perspiring brow.
The lady gazed upon the agonized features of Mr.
Oldbiegh during the address with a look of deep aston
ishment. After he had finished she said :

366 A SNOB BALL.

" What widow, Mr. Oldbiegh ? Which one do you
refer to?"

"You aren't heard of no new ones are you?"

" No," said the lady; "now I remember; the other
one didn't apply to you. How do you spell her name,
Oldbiegh ? It's a queer name, and I don't believe I
could spell it."

u I've resolved," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " never to men
tion the name of that 'ar' critter again ; not if my
right hand is cut off ! " The lady did not question him
again.

Several ladies of the younger class were around Mr.
Geseign, for he had at last succeeded in escaping from
the matrimonial mothers.

" 1 like," said Mr. Geseign, talking to a young lady
who was a blonde, " a blonde. I am fond of blondes ;
quite so. A blonde is affectionate and passionate.
Delightful idea. A blonde is seldom jealous com
paratively speaking. She is quick to forgive. Oh!
gentle creachaw ! A brunette is less affectionate
less passionately fond comparatively speaking
However she possesses the quality of jealousy.
Intensely so. Her memory being good she never
forgets. She will follow you up. Quite so. Oh !
fascinating creachaw ! " The little blonde looked up
passionately at Mr. Geseign, by way of response to his
remarks in favor of the blonde species.

A while later he was talking to a brunette, with
dark, languishing eyes.

"I," said Mr. Geseign, "am a shy young man.
But a brunette always inspires my faltering heart

SNOB BALL. 367

with confidence. A curious phenomenon? Exactly
go, but true. I have gazed intensely so on the
glory of the stars in the poetical clays of my youth.
I have noted the exquisite contour of the moon
in those days. I have sent the ship of fancy to sail
the seas of limitless space in search of the beau
tiful. My boyish dreams were redolent with glory
when that ship had returned. But a change came
over me. I met a brunette. Oh! charming crea-
chaw ! My dreams disappeared abashed by the real !
She was beautiful ; what words can describe her
that enchanting brunette ? She was a queen, nay,
more. A queen was a scullion compared to my
charmer. Her eyes had in them a sweet soft ex
pression. When she stepped on the flowers with
broken backs they arose and gazed after her
entranced by her beauty. She was a brunette I
enough they forgave her ! " The brunette gazed at
Mr. Geseign with one of those deep, languishing looks
with which brunettes often gaze upon persons who are
considered to be wealthy lords.

At this point the writer comes dancing to the front
of the stage, and stands there on one leg and bows
profoundly to the reader. Lest there should be a mis
understanding, he desires to say to his dear, sweet lady
readers that he loves them all intensely, blondes and
brunettes ; and if there is any other name for any
other kind, he loves them also intensely. With this
remark he retires with that dignity which the rules of
composition require a writer to maintain.

There was a grand " collation " in the dining-room,

368 A SNOB BALL.

set out on several tables ; and after the ladies and gen
tlemen had had their suppers, the music of the harp
and violin was heard again, and the party returned to
the parlors and other rooms whose floors were covered
with canvas, and commenced to do those many things
called dancing.

Mrs. Cludger was there, and talked about " M'Lud "
as if she had known him for years. He was "of such
a gooh'd farmily in hold Hingland, you knaw. Such
blood, so blue, don't you knaw ! "

We must not forget to make a distinct record of the
fact that Mr. Judson C. Muggs, dressed in a white tie,
a brown velvet coat and bear's oil, arrived late in the
evening. The lady who took charge of Mr. Oldbiegh
released him just as the guests were all leaving. As
soon as he got away from her, he went to Mr. Geseign,
who was standing in the alcove, which has been before
described, with his arms folded. He was standing
alone. One foot was slightly forward, and he had
inclined his head backward. This 'position gave to
his face that haughty and aristocratic expression which
is only seen on the faces of persons having the true
blood. As he was standing in this attitude Mr. Old
biegh came up to him. They were both engaged in
deep thought for some moments, when Mr. Geseign
broke the silence, and spoke as follows :

" There he is/'

Mr. Oldbiegh looked in the direction indicated by
Mr. Geseign's glance, arid saw a tall individual who
wore a high collar. It seemed to be constantly sawing
the cheeks on either side of his face.

A SNOB BALL. 369

"Who is he?" said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" An F. F. V.," said Mr. Geseign.

"One of them 'ar' secret skull and cross-bones ser-
cieties ? " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

"No," said Mr. Geseign. " F. F. V. First Family
of Virginiah. A blood of American growth. His
ancestah marked his cross on the Declaration ; or
listened to Patrick Henry or flew kites with Frank*
lin. Like the English aristocracy if they are not
blood they are nothing. They owe all to blood ;
brains are beneath them ; and they keep them
concealed. A curious animal ! "

" It are u curious animal," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" The First Family of Virginiah," said Mr. Geseign,
" is a curious fellow ! Look ! "

" What is it? " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

44 Do you perceive that round-shouldered lanky
gawk? "

" I do," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" That," said Mr. Geseign, " is the First Family of
Boston. All blood. His ancestahs made of brown
bread and beans. One of his blooded fathers a
tinker by profession came over in the only and
genuine 4 Mayflower ! ' Oh ! wonderful creachaw !
He was sick all the way. Seasick quite so. But
he bore up against it and with other old families
of tinkers he carolled his cheerful note on the
top of Plymouth Rock. Oh ! a curious creachaw
is a blood ! "

At a late hour Mr. Oldbiegh and Mr. Geseign got
into their hack and drove back toward the Palace
23

370 TWO THRILLING TALES.

Hotel. At the suggestion of Mr. Geseign, they went
into an oyster saloon on Dupont street, and had an
" oyster cocktail," and then went on to their hotel and
retired to rest.

CHAPTER XIV.

TWO THRILLING TALES.

IT now becomes our sad duty to record the fact that,
within a short period after the events related in the
last chapter, Mr. Oldbiegh and Mr. Geseign had their
first serious disagreement. The melancholy occurrence
happened in the following manner : Mr. Oldbiegh and
Mr. Geseign were standing in the office of the hotel
when an English lord, who was travelling through
California for the purpose of studying the characteris
tics of the desperadoes and other wild animals whom
he believed to form the chief population of that State,
approached Mr. Geseign to make a critical examination
of that person. Putting his eye-glass in his eye and
discovering the fact that Mr. Geseign wore no pistols
about his waist and no bowie-knives in his boots, he
was surprised. But the reader can imagine his aston
ishment when he* was informed that Mr. Geseign was
an English lord who actually resided in the State. As
all the English aristocracy are perfectly familiar with
other English families of high standing and with their
pedigrees back to the time of the flood, he proceeded
to ask Mr. Geseign certain questions bearing upon the

TWO THRILLING TALES. 3?1

subject, and, although Mr. Geseign answered with
extreme shrewdness, the real lord was convinced that
Mr. Geseign was an impostor, as were a number of other
persons present, and even Mr. Oldbiegh's faith in his
friend was sorely shaken. A few more questions by the
English lord in relation to the history of some of the
oldest families in England, together with Mr. Geseign's
answers to them, satisfied Mr. Oldbiegh that his friend
was a fraud. While wounded to the heart, he felt
called upon to make a solemn statement of this belief,
which he did ; and he told Mr. Geseign then and there
that they could no longer be companions if he continued
to pretend he was that which he was not. Seeing the
way the wind blew, the English lord screwed his eye
glass more tightly into his eye, and proceeded to
denounce Mr. Geseign as a fraud and an impostor. Mr.
Geseign's ire was aroused, and, with a perfect deluge
of wit, invective and sarcasm, he ridiculed his opponent
until the ever increasing crowd was in a roar of laugh
ter at the expense of his lordship. The assemblage
fairly screamed with merriment as Mr. Geseign grew
more eloquent and humorous, and before long Mr. Old
biegh was seen with a beaming countenance moving
about the outskirts of the crowd, and was heard shout
ing, " Whop 'em up ! Tommy, whop 'em up ! " A few
moments later, with a lofty wave of his hand, Mr. Old
biegh obtained silence.

" Tommy," said he, <; I'm about to ask you a question,
and it may be on the answer to that 'ar' question
depends our friendship; and it may be," said Mr. Old
biegh, while his bosom heaved with emotion, "that I'm

372 TWO THKILLTNG TALES,

never to have a friend again ! It's certain 1*11 never
have a friend in regard to whom there'll be nothing he
aren't up to and nothing he don't know; a friend who
knows the roughs better than a rough, who knows the
snobs better than a snob ; a friend who could preach a
sermon better than a preacher; a friend who knows it
all, and seems to have knowed it since he was a little
baby boy! I say it may be I'm to lose such a friend,
and the only friend, perhaps, I'm to ever have, but
whatever comes, even though it was hanging, Tommy,
answer the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh, with a lofty wave of his
hand. " I'll take your word for it now, whichever way
you answer, but answer like a white man. Are you
one of the aristocracy ? "

There was a dead silence. It was, indeed, a trying-
moment. Strong men in the crowd faltered in that
moment. Every sound was distinct. The waiters
talking in the restaurant. Ladies talking on an upper
floor. A dog barking on the street. All was heard
with awful distinctness. The clerk, with his elbows on
the counter, was as rigid as a statue. The members of
the little company had a grim look on their faces.

At last Mr. Geseign broke the silence, as a noble
expression came over his handsome features. His
words seemed more than human in their significance.

u I," said Mr. Geseign, " belong to the grand aristoc
racy of intellect ! "

u It's enough ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh, taking Mr.
Geseign into his arms. " He's a lord arter all ! That's
what they've always made lords for ; so he's a lord ! "

TWO THRILLING TALES. 373

The next morning Mr. Geseign was the first to awake.
He arose at once to a sitting posture, rubbed his eyes
with his knuckles and yawned twice. He called to
Mr. Oldbiegh. Mr. Oldbiegh. also arose to a sitting
posture in his bed. His hair was in the same disturbed
state which has been described in a preceding chapter.
The beds of the two gentlemen were parallel to each
other, so, as they sat up in their night shirts, they were
facing in the same direction. Mr. Geseign turned his
head and looked toward Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Oh ! horrors ! " said he, as he held up his hands.
" What a fright ! "

" Haw ! haw ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh, whose large blue
eyes were filled with good humor instantly. "Say,
Tommy," said he, " are we got to stay abed till eleven
o'clock to-day ? If so, up with the nigger and up with
the caffay ! "

" Your commands are obeyed," said Mr. Geseign,
getting out of bed and ringing the bell. The boy
appeared in a few moments. Mr. Geseign looked at
him sternly. " Bring us base creachaw the corpse
of a fly on toast ! " The boy stared at him in
astonishment. "Hold ! " said Mr. Geseign. " My im
perial mind is changed. Bring us coffee! "

The boy went away and soon returned with coffee.
Mr. Oldbiegh drank his at a swallow, got up and filled
his pipe with tobacco from the green box and then got
back into bed and began to smoke.

" I say ! " said Mr. Geseign.

"What?" said Mr. Oldbiegh.

374 TWO THRILLING TALES.

"You my kind and generous friend," said Mr.
Geseign, "are quite a society belle!"

" How'd you find it out ? " asked Mr. Oldbiegh.

"I interpreted the meaning," said Mr. Geseign,
"hidden in the enraptured blushes of enraptured
females when you were present!"

" I aren't a baby in a pinafore, Tommy, so you carn't
fool me ! Ef }^ou saw any blushes when I was present,
they was artificial pizen paint, put on with a tooth
brush ! I've heard of the doin's of the critters, how
they dye their hair and paint their faces and black their
eyebrows 'till they aren't human ; so ef you see them
blushin' for me they warn't blushin' arter all, but it
was paint and powder what deceived you, Tommy ! "

" You," said Mr. Geseign, " are a cynical old
terror ! "

" So I are, Tommy ! so I are haw ! haw ! And it's
come from observation. Especially of the snobs ! "

" If you were married," said Mr. Geseign, " you
would be the most disgustingly jealous old boy
in the town ! "

" So I would, Tommy, to be sure. Arid with good
reason, too, ef what I see at these here parties and*
yachting races is'so. I should think that every darned
galoot of a husband would wish he was a monk in a
nunnery instead of a married man ! ''

" Pshaw ! " said Mr. Geseign. " Have you noticed
some gaudy Indies so sweetly gentle I could name
them in good society ? "

"I are. I know who you mean,'' said Mr. Oldbiegh.

TWO THRILLING TALES. 375

" Have you visited an institution called the ' Hur
ricane ' at night ? "

"A restaurant?" said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" A er restaurant," said Mr. Geseign.

" I are," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

"Have you been in Harvey's Parlors?"

" Up over a saloon, where they have boys playin' on
harps and where there's rooms in which veiled females,
who look like widdyers, and gentlemen is eating
oysters?"

" Yes," said Mr. Geseign.

" I are, and I've seen preachers there," said Mr.
Oldbiegh.

u The females," said Mr. Geseign, " come there with
their uncles sweet creachaws ! I have known the
veiled creachaw to meet the ghost of her dear de
parted at that place eating oysters with other
veiled creachaws. Quite so. I assure you."

" What monkey tricks some of them married women
does play on their husberns, arter all," said Mr. Old
biegh, "treating 'em as contemptuously in public as if
they was their little Chinee boys, instead of being their
husberus, which they seem to have forgot, arter all.
And the way them married women do squeeze a man's
hand and look up into his face with such a dieaway
expression arter all ; and some of 'em has a grip of
their fins which is astonishing ! "

" Hush! base creachaw ! " said Mr. Geseign. " Such
secrets are never told in good society. A man of
sense whose hand is squeezed by those sweet charm
ers the ladies bears in his bosom mysterious secrets

376 TWO THRILLING TALES.

which the day of judgment alone shall call forth.
Even then if he can prevent it they will not be
told. I carry secrets in my bosom but hush base
creachaw ! I would be burned at the stake and they
should not be told. No nevah. So base creachaw !
hold your peace ! "

" But I aren't mentioned no names," said Mr. Old-
biegh.

" If a lady has elapsed your hand if you have the
instincts of a gentleman hold your peace base
creachaw ! "

"Haw! haw!" said Mr. Oldbiegh.

"Speaking of the charmers," said Mr. Geseign,
" reminds me of an incident quite dramatic. A plot
for a drama."

" Out with it," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

"Roland deHautcoeur loved Genevieve de Gran-
ville. Roland de Hautcoeur was a shoemaker in
Oakland. Genevieve a farmer's daughter. Brought
up on bird's songs the blue clouds the soft sunlight
the evening stars green peas and other vegeta
bles. A pure child of nature. An innocent oh !
blossom. An innocent and pleasing purity and
ingenuousness quite touching quite pathetic.

"She glided through the weeds at eventide to
love's tryst. Roland glided over the dusty road
from Oakland to meet his adored. Sitting in the
twilight they kept love's vigil. Sweet dream. Oh !
proud moment for Roland. But poor creachaw
a rival sprung up like a snake. The rival was a
blood Roland was not. The rival's name was Tom

TWO TH KILLING TALES. 377

Smith of the aristocracy of New York. An old
Dutch family. Gene vie ve proud creachaw grew
colder and colder and more freezing to Roland.
His poor heart was breaking.

" Tom Smith -came daily. The innocent young
fledgling the sweet Genevieve was happy quite so !
" Roland was dying. His poor heart was breaking.
He washed in steam baths and wore electric belts,
poor mail's plasters and liver pads ! Oh ! pitiable sight !
He made one effort. He appealed to Genevieve for
only one tryst at the old established place. She
would not; but at his urgent request she met him
by the hen house in the back yard. Unpoetical
and cruel Genevieve !

"They met.

"Nothing came of the meeting. It was a waste
of valuable time. They were parting. 4 Oh! Gene
vieve my love ' he cried ; ' oh ! soothe my lips
with a kiss. I will then die in peace ! ' 4 Base crea
chaw ! ' she shrieked in a towering passion. C I kiss
infants and women alone. I thought,' she said, 4 you
were a gentleman. In all my life I never kissed a
man ! What would my mother say ? Have you a
sister? Did I in all my life do anything to make
you think such things ? Am I then such a woman ?
Out from my sight base creachaw ! ' He left. She
went back to the house an indignant creachaw. As
she looked up to the stars her bosom so full
poured forth its feelings- into space.

44 In the garden she met the blooded Smith.
'Sweet creachaw .! ' he said imprinting a kiss on her

378 TWO THRILLING TALES.

marble brow, another on her ruby lips c you have
been worried ! ' ' Insulted,' she said. c Poor crea-
chaw ! ' he said. He kissed her intensely and furi
ously and in a prolonged manner. ' Do you kiss
other women this way ? ' she said. ' They would die
for you if you did ! '

"At this moment a knotted club in the hand of
Roland descended rapidly on the head of Smith.
Smith fell to the ground. Gene vie ve fainted and
shrieked. Roland is now a shoemaker in China and
a woman hater. Queer tale but founded on facts."

"Are you got any more stories, Tommy?" said Mr.
Oldbiegh.

Mr. Geseign arose and going to his valise took out a
manuscript, which he handed to Mr. Oldbiegh. Mr.
Oldbiegh read the document without much trouble, as
it was written in a plain hand. The following is what
he read. The name of the author was heavily under
scored :

"A SKETCH BY THOMAS GESEIGN.

" I used to live at a beautiful town with the affect
ing name of ' Blood Gulch.' The town had at that
time a population of about two thousand white people,
a number of small boys and a number of Chinamen,
and across the river was an Indian settlement of bucks,
squaws and Indian dogs.

" There was an old school-house on the green slope
of a hill in the eastern portion of the town, and there
the children of the city spent many hours and months
of alternate happiness and misery in the cruel occupa-

TWO THRILLING TALES. 379

tion of shooting their young ideas. I can see now the
inside of the old school-house in which we were daily
imprisoned for the purpose of being taught : I say I
can see it as clearly as if I were sitting at the old desk
which I carved so energetically during the long hours
of the day with my jack-knife. I can see myself slip
ping the jack-knife aforesaid into my boot as I catch
the gray eyes of the teacher gazing under his gray
eyebrows at me. I can see myself sitting without a
blush on my cheeks, apparently engaged in profound
study, as he continues to gaze. But let him gaze ! I
was hardened and smiled in my sleeve. I can see the
sunlight falling through the great square windows on
the head of Thomas Geseign, who is peeping at a
gopher imprisoned in his desk ; or now posting a
notice on the back of the head of the boy in front that
the premises are uninhabited and 4 To let.' I can see
the pretty girls, in their neat pinafores, deeply engaged
in study, how foolish I thought them, while the
boys with roguish look, are 4 passing it ; ' or deeply
engaged in catching flies in the palms of their hands>
pulling their legs off and plucking their eyes out, or
shooting putty balls through tin tubes, or circulating
caricatures from desk to desk.

" Again I see them ranged in line for recitation, the
boys forming the first half of the line, the girls the last
half. I hear the boys blundering through incorrect
answers; I hear other boys whispering more incorrect
answers ; and I see the disgusted teacher pass the
question to one of the girls, who immediately makes a
correct response. I see the teacher look with pity at

380 TWO THRILLING TALES.

the last boy, but the boy is hardened and has no feel
ing. He is sent to his seat and proceeds at once to
play with the gopher, or dissect more flies. I see the
blackboards around the room where we floundered,
blundered and were flogged ; where we worked so
laboriously with such imperfect assistance as we could
gain from companions to the right and left of us; and
when called upon we gave an explanation for our work
as lucid as mud.

" The seasons pass rapidly before my vision once
more. Top time is in, marble time is in, base ball is in.
I see the companions of long ago gathered in the play
ground again. And amongst the many happy young
faces assembled there I see some that have since
become wrinkled with care, and some that are dead.
There was the laughing Jenny, the grave Mary ; rollick
ing Joe ; and the wonderful boy, evidently destined for
future greatness as a man, who whipped all the other
boys in the school. The old town hall; the church
with the tombstones to the right, marking the place
where those who had been struck by the dark archer
were sleeping the soundest sleep that they had ever
slept. The graveyard ! the only place where women
stop talking ! The city of the dead ! They circulate
no scandals in that city. They toil not, neither do
they spin. Happy creatures ! Quite so ! A delightful
sleep is the sleep of death, undisturbed by the after
effects of a bad dinner, by business, or by matrimonial
cares. I see all these.

" The old familiar streets I see them again, as I saw
them in the delightful town of 4 Blood Gulch,' when a

TWO THRILLING TALES. 381

boy. How the shadows keep crowding in ! There
comes the ghost of old Tommy Squires, and he climbs
upon the top of the cask in the warm sunlight in front
of the corner grocery. As I live, he pulls out the shade
of the same old plug of tobacco, gnaws a piece off with
his ghostly teeth, spurts tobacco juice on the sidewalk
and tells his wonderful experiences in the North West
and continues his daily work of whittling the barrel
away with his jack-knife. See how the phantoms crowd
in ! There come the four remaining inveterate bum
mers, and there comes the fat boy with the chronic cold
in the head !

" There was an old brick store, with a large green
iron door which hung open all day and was shut at
night. My distinct memory informs me that this store
was in the centre of the town. I remember that the
floor of the store was somewhat lower than the street,
that the inside of the place always seemed very cool,
and that as a boy there was a connection in my mind
between the coolness of the store and the boy with the
cold in his head, who seemed to be employed to keep
watering the floor to the end of his days with a green
watering-pot. This store was the largest in town, was
a dry-goods store and was owned by Janion & Jurlice.
Mr. Jurlice was a stout little man with gray side-
whiskers, and wore green goggles. He was the great
man of 4 Blood Gulch,' and his family constituted the
elite amongst the elite of the town. Every Sunday
Mr. Jurlice in blue kids and broadcloth, Mrs. Jurlice
in brown velvet and small diamonds and their eight
daughters in a variety of silks made quite a rustling

382 TWO THRILLING TALES.

sound as they leaned forward to pray in the largest and
most costly pew in the church. Among the eight
daughters was quite a delightful sprinkling of pretty
girls; one was quite intensely so, and while I sat with
the bad boys on the last seat and drew caricatures of
the parson in his white robes my heart went pitty-pat
for this charming creature, with a light complexion, in
golden locks and a blue_silk.

" Oh I reader, do you think that you have discovered
the hero now, and the heroine ? Do you quietly titter
to the effect that I, Thomas Geseign, am the hero, and
the creature in blue silk the heroine ; and that we will
both expose our astonishing feats together ? Oh !
reader, I will skillfully stimulate your interest by ask
ing you metaphorically whether you will have it now
or wait till you get it? I think you will wait.

" Well, to proceed : In the choir was the eldest son
of Mr. Juiiice. His name was Harold. He was a
good bo}*, though he smoked and swore ; and although
his voice was changing he poured forth his youthful
warble quite sweetly in the choir. He was a good
fellow; warm-hearted and good-natured; a little
quick and hasty and* becoming more and more con
ceited as he approached twenty -one, and the fuzz on
his chin had started. I say he was a good fellow, at
least, so he seemed to be until one day his father dis
covered him to be a villain. Poor fellow! From the
day it turned out he was a villain he had a hard row
to hoe. Alas ! how little can we trust human features
as an index of character, since the features are no
index at all. A man in tatters and rags is a villain;

TWO THRILLING TALES. 388

you can see it in his face. A man in broadcloth is
what? A shining light. You can see it in his fea
tures. Alas ! too true ! So it was with my friend.
So it was with my friend till his father discovered that,
because he was in love with and about to engage himself
to a poor girl, he was a villain. In my humble opinion,
prior to that time he was a jolly good fellow. About
this period the whole family moved to San Francisco,
the father opened a larger store still in his own name,
and the family had the largest and costliest pew in the
most aristocratic church in town. Mr. Jurlice wanted
Harold to sing in the choir, but Harold, who had be
come a wilder and wilder young man as he approached
twenty-one, and who was sowing his wild oats in the
rashest manner, at that time, refused point blank. The
father scolded him severely for his refusal. Harold
being quick-tempered, they had quite a spat about the
matter. It was but the precursor of many other dis
agreeable spats, which succeeded in rapid succession,
in which Harold hinted loudly of his approaching
majority, which his stern parent did not seem to con
sider much of an event after all. Harold was working
in the store, and being in a bad humor with him, his
father humiliated the proud spirit of his son by con
stantly condemning him in the presence of the other
employe's. About this time he ceased to go to church,
and his father sent the preacher to argue with him.
This humiliated the proud-spirited boy still more, and
he and the meek, white-faced minister had quite a spat
on the subject. Harold's father grew harsher in his
manner toward his son every day, wore a contemptuous

384 TWO THRILLING TALES.

expression on his face when in his presence and gave
him harder work to perform. The young man lost
money in gambling which he had borrowed from a
friend of his father. The friend called upon his father
for the money and Mr. Jurlice paid it. That night
when he and Mrs. Jurlice in their night caps talked
the matter over in bed, Mr. Jurlice was quite wolfish
as he related the incident. 4 I shall disown the whelp!'
he said. However, at the solicitation of his wife he
postponed proceedings until a future day. Things
were going from bad to worse and the younger children,
perceiving how the wind blew, proceeded to crow over
their elder brother at the dinner-table. His proud
spirit caused him to reply in terms quite sarcastic,
whereupon such a scene always took place between
the haughty young man and his father that his eldest
sister would faint away. About this time the young
lady with whom Harold was in love came to town, and
Harold and she became engaged to be married. Her
father, who was a sea captain, coming back from a long
voyage, she related the matter to him. He went to
Mr. Jurlice and asked him the nature of his son's ex
pectations. 4 1 never heard him express himself on the
subject: his expectations may be very great,' said
Mr. Jurlice, ' but if you think that after he marries
your daughter he will get the rust off a nickel from
me, you are woefully mistaken ! The young vagabond
hasn't a cent ; and although he is my son, I must say
that he is not a fit person to marry your, or any other
man's daughter, for he is going rapidly to the dogs ! '
The sea captain suddenly left the office. The kind

TWO THRILLING TALES* 386

father, Mr. Jurlice related the interview to his son
whom he had discovered to be a villain. The son flew
to see Amelia, the young lady who had agreed to
become his helpmate, and who, in imagination, had
already seen herself assisting to spend his monthly
income on furs and seal-skin cloaks. Her father had
told her all, and she thought that under the circum
stances the engagement ought to be broken off. Harold,
being deeply in love with the fascinating creature, was
stunned, and immediately went off and got on a vio
lent bender, during which he refused to be soothed
by any other liquor than Jersey lightning. Poor
boy ! Picture his feelings. And he was a good-
hearted fellow, after all, though he was a villain.

"I knew him well, for we were chums for years
when we were bo}^s ; and I never knew his generous
spirit to go halves on any occasion. He was a hand
some fellow, too, and his only fault was being a little
conceited.

" He did not appear at the office the next day, or
the next, or the next ; and when he did he was informed
that his services were no longer needed. As soon as
his father's remarks were ended, the young man cursed
the old gentleman's bald head and ugly features in all
the choice vocabulary of an escaped jail-bird, using
with particular emphasis the oaths so popular in that
day. In this you will say, gentle reader, he was wrong.
Correct; quite so. But L must remind you that-he
was both jilted and tipsy.

" His father at once disowned him, and told him
never to intrude his presence upon him again. The
24

386 TWO THRILLING TALES.

young man with a bitter heart walked away. The
habit of drink became fixed upon him. He grew
totally demoralized. He became such a shabby ani
mal that his brothers and sisters no longer knew him
when they passed him on the street ; but he knew
them in his tatters and rags, and he smiled grimly and
called them hypocrites.

"One beautiful balmy Sunday morning the sweet
tones of the bell of the church in which his father,
mother, brothers and sisters sat in their grand attire,
were pealing out on the soft air. Harold was passing.
His shoes had no laces in them and his feet were bruised.
His ragged trousers were held up by a bale rope tied
around his waist, and he had on a ragged black coat.
Some charitable person had given him a clean shirt.
It was the only clean thing he had on. His old brown
hat was torn behind ; his hair was long and his strag
gling beard reached half way to his waist. He walked
into the church, down the carpeted aisle, looking at the
pictures of the Saviour and the apostles on the chan
cel window. He reached his father's pew, walked in,
and with a fiendish smile took a seat by his father's
side. His father looked at the gaunt and hollow face
of his son. He spoke to him. The son answered in a
guttural whisper. A scene ensued, and the meek and
lowly sexton, who drew a salary of one hundred and
thirty dollars a month, hustled him out of the church.
Mr. Jurlice followed the sexton to the outer steps.
The minister was coming up the steps, and as he came
up he was drawing his yellow kid gloves from his
fingers. Both he and Mr. Jurlice expostulated with

TWO THRILLING TALES. 387

the wretched creature on account of his audacious act.
Harold replied fiercely and walked away.

"Soon after this the father died, leaving a piece of
land, which was supposed to constitute half of his
estates, to the poor. It turned out that, by the time
the whole estate had gone through the probate court,
the probate court had eaten up the other half. Mrs.
Jurlice, who had long been in the habit of tippling
secretly from the decanter in her wealthy home, now
took to drinking heavily.

"One night, her son, who was wandering in the
Park in his raggedness by moonlight, found her lying
on a bench insensible. He stood over her, looking at
her earnestly. It was a cold night, and the dress she
wore was thin. He took off his ragged coat, laid it
over her, and walked away.

" A woman who drinks has but one road to travel,
and she travels that rapidly. Harold's mother followed
that road. She sunk as low as the lowest. One night
she was standing on the corner of the street. Her son
hobbled by. She did not recognize him, but beckoned
to him. Through the thick paint he recognized her
face, and hobbled on without stopping.

"The brother next in age was now drawing a large
salary as an accountant. He was quite a dandy, and
in his gaudy clothing, as he often passed his brother,
the villain, he would sometimes gaze upon his rags
through his gold-rimmed eye-glass. Harold would call
him a hypocrite, and they would pass .on. Of course,
the former friends of the family never recognized the
degraded creature. The persons who had drunk his

388 TWO THRILLING TALES.

father's wines never assisted the miserable, dying crear
ture. For awhile he kept the rough accounts of an
Italian fisherman, who gave him half a loaf of bread a
day for his services. One morning he was found lying
on the steps of the store which had been occupied by
his father. The steps were covered with frost, and his
fingers seemed to be frozen. He was dead. Quite so."

"Say, Tommy," said Mr. Oldbiegh, looking up at
Mr. Geseign, who was nibbling a piece of toast, " that
'ar' is the best story ever wrote by you. It's so nach-
eral to life, arter all. Say, are you got any more
stories?"

" Have you ever been in Sacramento ? " said Mr.
Geseign, as he took another dilapidated. MS. from his
valise, which seemed to be filled with similar waste
paper.

" I have," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Here," said Mr. Geseign, handing the MS. to Mr.
Oldbiegh, "is a story I wrote when in Sacramento.
I thought I would send it to the Record Union. A
second thought warned me that if it were published
the ferocious populace would take my scalp. It
was therefore not published."

Mr. Oldbiegh read as follows :

"SAC'TO, CAL., June 7, 1868.

"I am a State official in the capitol building. I am
employed in curing myself of chills, and in resisting
the fiendish attacks of book-agents and persons taking
up collections for church fairs, dances and paupers.

TWO THRILLING TALES. 389

My constitution and my purse are dreadfully in need
of a change of climate. I am married ; am of a cyni
cal and bilious temperament; have blue eyes and light
hair, and my name is Hopeful C. Crane. I am at the
present moment suffering from chills imported by some
scoundrel from the polar regions, and my brain has,
during the past few weeks, been burning with fever
from the other place. I am perfectly yellow as yel
low as a sunflower ; my cheeks are gaunt and sunken,
and my stomach will not bear the lightest food. I have
been sitting with a lime in my mouth all day, as that
seems to be the only thing which gives me relief.
When the reader finds this document, laid away in a
drawer somewhere, I will be dead. I feel this. I am
certain of it. Quite so. If anybody finds this paper
and reads it, he will be reading the words of one who
is then a corpse. I knew I was going to die from the
first day I heard the minute-bell which rings inces
santly in this city, from the first time I saw the unend
ing line of funerals unending it seemed to me mov
ing solemnly along L street. My acquaintances in the
Controller's office used to look out in the direction of
L street and try to cheer me by remarking that the
scenery from the window was the best in Sacramento,
that it was a beautiful sight and a pleasant prospect.
It may have been cheerful to them ; it may be cheer
ful to gaze constantly on a landscape in the centre of
which appears hearse after hearse, corpse after corpse ;
it may be a pretty sight to see the waving white
plumes and the waving black plumes ; the rosewood
coffins and the black coffins -and the slick white coffins;

390 TWO THRILLING TALES.

the everlasting anchor of white flowers, the circle and
the cross ; it may be beautiful scenery ; I don't
know. It's a matter of taste, I suppose I soon
noticed that the people, ever recognizing the fact that
they might be suddenly called to take part in the
scenery, old and young, all danced a wild dance,
night after night, to keep away gloomy forebodings.

"During the course of several years that I had the
chills, they took possession of me ; they clung closer
than a brother. I used to see them in my sleep, for
they had now taken physical shape to my diseased
imagination. Hideous white and green slimy, crawl
ing creatures. I used to sit at the window, and even
in the daytime, when the water was playing on the
lawn, I could see the outlines of their slimy, disgust
ing shapes ; and I could see, too, that they would dance
up and down like the people at our parties, on the
green lawn, in the sunlit spray of the falling water,
with hideous grins on their faces, to the music of the
bell that was ever tolling somebody's death. For a
long time the cause of the deaths of the numerous
people, who ever passed along L street, each taking a
quiet drive in a hearse, was a mystery to me. I in
quired eagerly of every person I knew, but they would
not tell me. They did not know, but when I suggested
chills, they smiled sarcastically at my ignorance. I
kept turning it over and over in my mind, and at last
I discovered that I was right ; they all died of chills !

" When I walked the street with my yellow, sunken
face, my friends used to stop me and remark that it
was such a pleasant day, and that the climate was so

TWO THRILLING TALES. 391

perfect, because they never had chills here and the
evenings were so delightful. Between the moments
when my teeth were chattering, I would stop, smile a
sickly smile, and while gazing upon the beautiful pros
pect of a hearse or so, conveying a babe born in chill
time to the cemetery, I would remark that the climate
was delicious. And now, for the first time, the impres
sion took hold of me that all the Sacramento people
were mad ! This I discovered by a process of reasoning
peculiar to myself and absolutely perfect without an
error.

" I used to see the chills climbing up the walls of the
capitol now and trying to reach our window, for we had
moved up three flights of stairs. Though nobody knew
it, I was the secret cause of this. A friend of mine
told me one day that he perceived that I was in trouble,
and suggested marriage as a remedy. I asked him if
marriage was a remedy for chills. He laughed at the
idea of my having chills, but said that he thought it was.

" I have always had a horror of marriage, and it took
all the energy I had left to accomplish the feat. I was
married and bought a beautiful cottage in which to
spend the honej'moon. My hideous slimy tormentors
actually crawled all over the walls and roof of my
house and glided across the window sills in to the dwell
ing and took observations of us during the honeymoon ;
when my first child was born, one crawled into its crib
and lay alongside of it ! When I looked at it, I saw
that the green slimy thing was eyeing me from the
crib !

" They began to interfere with my dreams. I

392 TWO THRILLING TALES.

dreamed night afternightthatl was sleeping in marshes,
or on the side of ponds covered with slime. They also
interfered with my married life. I grew terribly jealous
of them ! After my day's work T used to come home
and find my wife with her teeth chattering. They
owned her, too, now. I would sit down beside her and
we would chatter together.

" Last year at a time when my system had become so
exhausted by the terrible disease that I had to live in a
constant state of intemperance for a man if he once
becomes sober when so affected is likely to die I say
at this time my seventh child was born ; and chilly,
shaking as I was, nearly mad as I was from disease, I
was compelled to tramp the room night after night in
my stocking feet with this little animal in my arms ;
and to my chilled mind it looked green ; but disagree
able as a child seems to a married man who walks in
his stocking feet, the chills were worse!

" Last week my wife, myself and my seven children
sat on the veranda in a row. Our teeth all chattered
in unison together. The combined sound waked the
chickens in a neighboring yard and set them to crowing !

"But my weary brain grows desperate, and I can
write no more. My hour is at hand. To-night I shall
go to the top of the capitol dome to escape the chills.
I expect to see them crawling up the outside of the
dome after me. But I shall escape them. I will have
left Sacramento. I will be dead. * *

" The MS. here is blurred and blotted with large
tears, and cannot be made out any further. I have
inquired, but have been unable to obtain any informa-

TWO THRILLING TALES. 393

tion in regaid to the writer of this curious autobiog
raphy, which I, Thomas Geseign, discovered under a
loose brick in the capitol dome."

" You don't feel no inspiration, arter all," said Mr.
Oldbiegh, with astonishment.

" I feel no inspiration," said Mr. Geseign. " I pre
tend to be neither a fool nor a genius. I write
as a business from a base desire for bread. When I
write I feel no inspiration I have no moods and I
don't let my hair grow long."

" Why don't you keep on a writin' ? " said Mr. Old
biegh.

"The story," said Mr. Geseign, u is a long one and
mournful to relate. It affects those tendah feelings
which authors seem to have to describe how I
worked and did not loaf when a boy. The hard
kicks I've received."

" Describe them anyhow," said Mr. Oldbiegh ; " the
kicks is over, so it aren't any use to whine about them
arterwards."

" Well," said Mr. Geseign, " here she goes. A quaint
creachaw was I at eighteen. My fancies were
quite utterly so so. My ideas quite strange. My
conceit quite gigantic. In this curious condition
I sought fortune -and fame in the city. I wore a
ragged coat the tails whereof and breast pockets
whereof were stuffed and padded with poems. The
ethereal gushings of an unsophisticated creachaw.
My heart was surcharged with hope. Silly crea
chaw I had forgotten --to bring along the indispen-

394 TWO THRILLIJS'G TALES.

sable cash ! The first night I dropped a poetical
exuberance in a newspaper box. The next night
it was published. You should have perceived me by
gaslight reading my poem with greedy eyes on the
bulletin board ! You should have perceived the fiend
ish grin of delight on my features.

" The next morning being in need of a breakfast
I concluded to sell for a few hundred dollars a
poem to a hungry newspaper. The stern editah
said he needed no poem from a man. The ladies
ran them mad with that rot. Besides their errand
boy filled the office of poet. I replied by way
of a clincher that my poem was superior to ' Para
dise Lost.' Quite so. ' It don't matter,' said he -the
cruel editah 4 We would not crowd our, locals for
any "Paradise Lost " or Paradise found or Paradise
at all; unless the author would cut down his poem
to fifteen lines ! ' I was embarrassed chagrined
and rebuffed and went hungry."

u Aren't you got any of them poems left?" said Mr.
Oldbiegh.

" What were left I cremated ; - whistling as they
burned a dead march over their ashes."

"What did you do next?" asked Mr. Oldbiegh.

"I came down to the earth and wrote like a
white man for grub," said Mr. Geseign.

After breakfast, Mr. Geseign and Mr. Oldbiegh com
menced examining the cards of invitation and letters
which had arrived.

" Well," said Mr. Oldbiegh, after having read eight
or ten letters, " what a crowd of critters are arter me

A COUPLE OF SCHEMERS. 395

to be my housekeeper, arter all. And they all are got
the handwritin' of widdyers, darned ef they aren't ! "

"How pleasing it is," said Mr. Geseign, looking up
from a letter he was reading and rolling his eyes
piously, " to find so many friends in this cold and
cheerless world ! "

Mr. Oldbiegh, however, was too deeply engaged in
reading an article in the newspaper to hear Mr.
Geseign's remark. The article was headed "A Strange
Coincidence " and went on to relate that on Friday
morning, at the hour of seven, Mrs. Oldwhistle, wife of
the scientific gentleman of that name, had died; and
that at the very same hour of the day, Mr. Oldwhistle
of Oakland had died. Being an old bachelor, he had
left all his property to his scientific brother.

" So the little varmin has growed rich, arter all ! "
said Mr. Oldbiegh to himself, " and what a sight of
mischief the critter will be up to now ! "

CHAPTER XV.

A COUPLE OF SCHEMERS.

A BOUT six months after the incident related in the
jLjL last chapter, a young lady for whom Mr. Old
biegh had a great liking was in an immense amount of
trouble because of a love affair and had called upon
Mr. Oldbiegh for assistance. The young lady's name

396 A COUPLE OF SCHEMERS.

was Miss Jennie Cranmer. She had beautiful dark-
blue eyes, sweet rosy lips and rosy cheeks and a lovely,
form. She was brimming over with fun and good
humor, under ordinary circumstances, and many a
hearty laugh had she and Mr. Oldbiegh had together.
At the present time, however, because of the gloomy
outlook in connection with her love affair, she was
extremely melancholy; and Mr. Oldbiegh noticed, with
a sensation of sadness in the bottom of his large heart,
that the face of the rosy Jennie had grown thin and
pale.

Yes, she had called upon Mr. Oldbiegh for assistance.
As the tone of voice in which she related her grievan
ces to Mr. Oldbiegh was very affecting, Mr. Oldbiegh
was greatly affected. She then used that most power
ful of all woman's weapons a tear. She rolled a great
big tear down her rosy cheeks, while she was imploring
his assistance. All the chivalry in Mr. Oldbiegh "s
warm heart was instantly aroused. The young lady
then rolled a tear of gratitude down her other cheek,
and Mr. Oldbiegh at once declared himself ready to
travel through thick and thin for her sake "and no
man couldn't stop him, nohow ! "

The details of the young lady's mournful dilemma
may be thus described. She was living with an old
man and an old woman, who had always pretended to
be her father and mother. She had, however, lately
discovered, by reading some letters and documents
which she had found hidden away in the garret, in the
house in which she lived, that these persons were not
her parents afte;* all, but that she was merely their

A COUPLE OF SCHEMERS. 397

adopted child. This she had long suspected, but now
it was conclusively proved to be a fact. Her mother
had died when she was born ; and a year after her
father had died and had left her in charge of Mr. and
Mrs. Cranmer, and had left five thousand dollars with
them which they were to give the daughter when she
came of age. At the date on which she called on Mr.
Oldbiegh for his assistance she was sixteen years old,
and she and a young man with boyish manners, by the
name of Henry Thompson, were desperately in love
with each other so desperately in love that they felt
they should die of despondency unless they were united.
When the young lady informed Mr. Oldbiegh of this
in a melancholy tone of voice, his feeling .nature was
touched ; and in order to conceal his feelings, Mr. Old
biegh had blown his nose thrice upon his red-bordered
handkerchief. The young lady then informed him that
her step parents had firmly resolved to marry her to a
44 rich old bear." This last statement also affected Mr.
Oldbiegh considerably. When he had last seen the
young lady, he had promised to try and think of some
scheme to prevent this terrible catastrophe.

One afternoon Mr. Oldbiegh was out for a walk by
himself, as Mr. Geseign had gone to the races. Mr.
Oldbiegh was walking with a dignified tread by the
front fence of the romantic old building in which he
knew Miss Cranmer resided with her step parents.
There was an expression of deep study on his face.
Mr. Oldbiegh suddenly stopped, and the expression of
study gave way to one of astonishment and then to one
of disgust. Yes, there could be no mistake it was

398 A COUPLE OF SCHEMERS.

Mr. Oldwhistle ! The expression of astonishment on
Mr. Oldbiegh's face grew deeper still. The little scien
tist Tiad placed his hand on the latch of the gate and
opened it, and as he entered he laughed in Mr.
Oldbiegh's face ! A thought flashed through Mr.
Oldbiegh's brain with wonderful rapidity. Could it
be possible that this little man, who had become a
widower, was the person whom the young lady had
designated as a " bear " and for whom her step parents
intended her ? If so, the fate for which they predes
tined her was cruel indeed ! The unnatural crime
which they were about to commit was hideous beyond
calculation.

" To marry her," soliloquized Mr. Oldbiegh, " to
marry one of the prettiest critters the ,sun ever shone
onto to a yaller dog ! to a piece of yaller soap, to that
'ar' little varmin, arter all ! I'll be etarnally bobbed ! "
said Mr. Oldbiegh to himself, " ef that 'ar' darned
varmin warn't born to be up to mischief! Ef ther's any
dirty work to be done, he's thar' to do it ! I never see
such a critter ; he's always up to dirty work. Ef ther's
dirty work going on anywhere, the yaller dog gets onto
it and he's thar' in no time at all, darned ef he aren't !
Well, ef it's so, arter all," said Mr. Oldbiegh to himself,
as a solemn expression came over his face, "afore I'll
let that 'ar' piece of yaller soap get hold of her I'll
kidnap her, darned ef I don't, and adopt her for my
own daughter ! "

All these thoughts flashed through Mr. Oldbiegh's
brain "in less time than it takes to tell it."

With the last resolve becoming more firmly fixed in

A COUPLE OF SCHEMERS. 399

his breast at every step, Mr. OMbiegh walked back to
his room at the Palace. Mr. Geseign had not yet
returned. Mr. Oldbiegh picked up the innumerable
letters of invitation which were awaiting him, looked
at them abstractedly and gloomily, and then replaced
them on the table without opening them. One letter
more bulky than the rest he took up and noticing its
bulk tore the envelope open, glanced at the bottom of
the sheet and, seeing it was signed by Miss Jennie
Cranmer, proceeded to read the epistle, which was
couched in the following words :

SAN FRANCISCO, Sept. 28, 188-.
MK. JUNIUS OLDBIEGH : You dear, good old thing !
[" What a sweet critter it are, arter all ! " said Mr.
Oldbiegh, with a pleasant smile.] Oh ! I've got such
a lot to tell you ! I don't know how I shall ever tell
it. I do believe I was born for more trouble than any
other young lady that ever lived. I seem to be in
trouble all the time ; and if it wasn't for you, dear,
dear Mr. Oldbiegh, I don't know what I should do !
[" What a critter it are, arter all ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh
to himself, with another pleasant smile.] Oh ! dear
Mr. Oldbiegh, if you only knew how lonesome I feel !
You know how it is yourself to be with a cruel step
mother and a cruel step-father ! [" A course I do !
What a thing it is, arter all. It's awful!" murmured
Mr. Oldbiegh to himself. " Bless her heart, the poor,
sweet little critter ! "] And then, oh ! Mr. Oldbiegh,
never to have a kind word said to you ! And then,
oh! to be so deeply in love as I am amidst so much

400 A COUPLE OF SCHEMERS.

unkind ness ! You have heard how step parents ate
always unkind, and I can assure you mine are harsh
and cruel ; and your kindness is the only relief I have,
you dear good .old pet ! [ u What a sweet critter it
are, arter all ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh to himself again, as
he smiled sweetly.] And then, will yon believe it,
dear Mr. Oldbiegh, they now refuse to let me go out
side of the yard, since that ugly old bear has been
coming to see me ; and my Henry writes me that he
tried to scale the fence, but not only had sharp spikes
been lately put into the top railing, but my step-father
had gotten a bran new bull dog, which he found on
guard inside the fence ! Oh ! what shall I do, what
shall. I do, thus prisoned and confined? Oh! dear!
dear ! Mr. Oldbiegh, please send me some word of hope
or I shall surely die, you sweet, dear, good old thing !
[" What a sweet critter it are, arter all ! " repeated
Mr. Oldbiegh to himself, with a gentle but melancholy
smile on his features.] And then that little bear is so
horrid, and his horrid name is horrid ; and he persists
in putting his horrid paws around my waist ! Old-
whistle is his name. Did you ever hear such a horrid
name? [ u So it are the v arm in, arter all! " said Mr.
Oldbiegh, with a dark look on his countenance. "I'd
a thought it; it couldn't be no other man!"] Now,
dear Mr. Oldbiegh, what am I to do ? What am I to
do? You see, this cruel little bear conies everyday to
torment me ; and he's so disgusting. He's got such a
disagreeable smile, and 1 just hate him ! I could kill
him ! I know I could ! He's the very exact opposite
of what you are, you dear, good old pet ! [" Haw !

A COUPLE OF SCHEMERS. 401

haw ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh, his visage beaming with
good-nature, " what a sweet critter she are, arter all ! "]
Now, Mr. Oldbiegh, I have written to my Henry to
call on you and to listen to whatever you say, and to
be governed in all respects by your sage counsels. If
he doesn't do just what you tell him to, I shall never
look him in the face again. I never shall ! Now, Mr.
Oldbiegh, you dear old thing, I could just kiss you as
if you were my father; I know I could, you good old
kitten, you ! JENNIE.

" Haw ! haw ! What a sweet critter she are, arter
all ! "

Mr. Oldbiegh fell into deep thought, and the sweet
smile had not ceased to play on his features when there
was a timid knock at the door. Mr. Oldbiegh roused
himself from his revery and called out, " Come in." A
sheepish, white-headed young man, apparently about
eighteen years of age, entered the room. A silly smile
played about the corners of his mouth. As soon as he
got inside, he stood on one foof, fingered the rim of his
gray hat with his hands, and continued to smile in a
silly manner without speaking.

"Don't be afeared," said Mr. Oldbiegh, in a kindly
tone. " There ain't no occasion for it ; so take a seat
like a white man."

The young man took a seat awkwardly and began to
gaze around the ceiling, while the silly smile continued
to play on his features. Every little while he would
steal a glance at Mr. Oldbiegh, and the smile on his
features would suddenly broaden; then he would look
25

402 A COUPLE OF SCHEMERS.

away. In the meantime he continued to drag the rim
of his hat through his fingers. During all this while
Mr. Oldbiegh's face wore a solemn expression. It
seemed at last as if the young man never would speak,
so Mr. Oldbiegh said :

" What's the word ? "

"Sir?" said the young man, looking more sheepish.

" What are you arter ? "

"Sir?" said the young man, with a frightened stare.

"Who sent you here?"

"I don't like to tell," said the young man, with his
head on one side, while the smile assumed a bashful
appearance.

"What did you come arter? "

" I don't know," said the young man, as he put his
finger in his mouth.

" Well, how'd you get here ? " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Oh ! I just walked in. She told me to," and the
silly smile now spread all over his features.

" Who's she?" asked Mr. Oldbiegh. " Is she your
ma?"

" No," was the reply.

"Well, what are she then?" said Mr. Oldbiegh.

"She's a girl," replied the other, while the silly smile
deepened around the corners of his mouth.

" Then, what's her name ? " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" You won't tell anybody if I tell you ! "

" No," said Mr. Oldbiegh ; " a gentleman never re
peats what is said about a woman ; let alone a gentle
man, a man won't do it ! "

"It's Jennie Cranmer!" said he.

A COUPLE OF SCHEMERS. 403

" What's your handle ? " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

"Sir?" said the young man.

"What's your handle your name, arter all?"

" My name is Henry Thompson," said the young
man, in a bashful tone.

Mr. Oldbiegh gazed upon this bold cavalier long and
seriously. In his mind he ran over the contents of the
young lady's letter. He remembered the statement
in it that the young man had been daunted by the
spikes of the fence and a single bull dog. As he
gazed on the face of the young man it was easily
explained.

" Now," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " what I'm to give you
is fatherly advice. In the first place, I'd say it is
always wrong in love affairs to be too rash and reck
less with very young critters. It's hardly necessary
to inform you in regard to that matter, because I don't
think your disposition is to be reckless, arter all ; but
as I'm advising you I've got to lay down all the pints.
Another thing is a man may obey all the rules and yet
get off at Milpitas. You see, if the critter you're arter
making love to is young, you want to go soft and slow.
Treat her as a sort of goddess. You want to sigh to
her, you want to flatter her, and you want to sue to
her low and soft, with a sort of everlastin' dieaway
look on your face. That is, if she's a young critter.
But on the other hand, if she's arter bein' a widdyer,
all you got to do is keep your mouth shut and she'll do
all the love making, and entice you for kisses and so
on, for widdyers dote on kisses ! I never see such crit
ters ; they never get enough ! In fact," said Mr. Old-

404 A COUPLE OF SCHEMERS.

biegh, " that's what most women care for more than
anything else ! " Mr. Old biegh stopped.

" Thank you, sir," said the young man, sheepishly.
" I shall remember all you say. She told me to."

"Now," said Mr. Oldbiegh, going on profoundly,
without noticing the young man's interruption, " fur
thermore, you're about to go into the state of matri
mony. Now, in the course of time it's arter bein' possible
you may have children." The young man looked
frightened and smiled a silly smile. " I don't say you
will," said Mr. Oldbiegh ; " it's barely possible you may.
You are both innocent young critters and what is more
touching, arter all," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " than two such
3 r oung critters battlin' with the waves of life and havin'
twelve or fourteen young children to support?" The
young man smiled another silly smile, while he worked
hard at the brim of his hat. "It's a matter to be
thought of beforehand," continued Mr. Oldbiegh.
"Think of the young mother, broken in health.
Think of her. You must. Think of yourself pacing
the floor o' nights with aching back, with the heads of
one or two crying babies hanging over your shoulders
till three o'clock in the morning ; and then worn out and
tired out you go to your daily work ; and bein' out of
sorts, you perhaps get discharged for bein' impudent to
your employer. All this is to be thought of beforehand.
Then," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " you've got to adopt rules
and regalations for bringin' them up. You'll acknowl
edge," said Mr. Oldbiegh, looking hard at the white-
headed youth, "you aren't had no experience. Well,
I'm here to give you advice. There are two theories.

A COUPLE OF SCHEMERS. 405

The one is that when a child don't act right the idea
is to whop him up till he does act right. The other is
to treat 'em with kindness and never lay the weight of
your hand on 'em. By all means I'm for the last rule.
Ef thar's whoppin' to be done, take a man your size ;
but don't hit a little critter what can't fight back ; for
to fight back is the privilege born to Americans. Is
there anything else you'd like me to advise you
about?"

" No, I thank you," said the white-headed young man,
with his usual smile.

As the young gentleman continued to sit in his chair
and twirl his hat, Mr. Oldbiegh again said :

" Well, sir, is there anything I can be arter doin*
for you ? "

" She said in the letter to me," said Mr. Thompson,
" 3 r ou was to help her to get away and was to take us
off somewhere to get married." Mr. Oldbiegh looked
unusually solemn for some moments. " And it must
be done to-night," said the young man, "for to-morrow
her step-mother is going to take her to the church to
get married to Mr. Old whistle ; and she says she knows
she won't be able to resist them unless she escapes to
night."

Mr. Oldbiegh's brow darkened. " I'd ruther see her
dead afore me first," he said ; " and as fer her marryin'
Oldwhistle, it carn't be did nohow, and ther' aren't
nothin' I won't do to prevent it. It's worse than Chi
nee sacrifice. What's the hour and what's the plan ? "

The young man explained that the young lady would
appear at the back gate of her house, in a disguised

406 A COUPLE OF SCHEMERS.

state, at half-past eleven that night. After making this
explanation the young man took his departure.

During the whole of the evening Mr. Geseign noticed
that Mr. Oldbiegh was in an unusual state of mind ;
he was gloomy. At eleven o'clock Mr. Oldbiegh got
up, put on his immense woolly overcoat, with the great
pockets in it, tied a comforter around his throat, slapped
on his slouch hat and left the room without saying a
word. Mr. Geseign watched all these proceedings with
deep interest. During the evening he had seen Mr.
Oldbiegh pick up a letter from the marble top of the
table on several occasions, and he had noticed that
whenever Mr. Oldbiegh read the letter a sweet smile
had overspread his features. Mr. Oldbiegh had left
this letter lying open on the table. Mr. Geseign picked
it up and read it through. It was the letter from Miss
Cranmer. When Mr. Geseign took in all of the sur
rounding circumstances, he suspected the truth.

A few nights before Mr. Geseign had taken Mr. Old-
biegh'through the worst portions of the city, and during
their pilgrimage they had both worn false whiskers.
For the purpose of disguising himself Mr. Geseign now
put these on, threw on an overcoat and followed Mr.
Oldbiegh. He kept far enough behind him not to be
observed by Mr. Oldbiegh.

There was a lane behind the young lady's house,
filled with tall weeds. Mr. Oldbiegh turned into this
lane, and near the back gate of the house, seated on a
block of wood, with his face between his hands, he
found the would-be husband. The night was a beauti
ful one ; the moon was shining and its soft rays fell on

A COUPLE OF SCHEMERS. 407

the soft white head of the youth, and nothing broke
the "tranquil silence" but now and then the bark of
some dog whose sleep had been disturbed.

" Have you arranged to have the coach ready ? " said
Mr. Oldbiegh.

"Yes," was the reply; "it is waiting down at the
corner."

" And are you sure she will get dressed and be ready
on time ? " This question was answered by the opening
of a gate and the appearance of a woman apparently
accompanied by a boy. This apparent boy came up to
Mr. Oldbiegh and said :

" I've dressed in a man's clothing to make it more
romantic ! "

Mr. Oldbiegh had drawn his hat well over his eyes
on noticing the companion of Miss Cranmer.

" Who's your companion ? " he asked.

" That's something which I think you know better
than I do," said the young lady, in a knowing tone ;
" but I won't tell you anyhow."

" But I must know," said Mr. Oldbiegh, looking at
the heavily veiled lady.

" But I won't tell you. There ! " said the young lady.

Mr. Oldbiegh was bewildered. There was, however,
no time to lose, so they went down to the corner, where
the carriage was waiting for them. The veiled figure
got in first, the young lady next, and then the young
man got in. Mr. Oldbiegh was about to get in also,
when a mysterious man tapped him on the shoulder.
This person then whispered in his ear the word
" Tommy." At that grateful sound Mr. Oldbiegh felt

408 A COUPLE OF SCHEMERS.

a burden of care taken from his bosom. Mr. Geseign
got into the carriage after Mr. Oldbiegh. Mr. Oldbiegh
explained that he was a friend of his who was going
along. The lad}' who was so heavily veiled seemed at
once greatly disconcerted. The presence of Mr. Geseign
appeared to have broken in upon some well-laid scheme
which she had prepared. She moved about nervously
every little while.

It had been arranged that they were to drive to a
hotel and have the ceremony performed in one of the
parlors. They reached a hotel, got out, and went into
one of the parlors. The doors were shut and the gas
was turned up. Its light fell in a full blaze on the
veiled lady. Mr. Oldbiegh gazed through the veil and,
recognizing her powdered countenance, fell back into
one of the chairs and a paleness overspread his features.
Yes, those closed-up eyes and that powdered face proved
her to be his tormentor, the " two-forty widdyer ! "

" Tommy," said Mr. Oldbiegh, in a weak voice, " ring
for a glass of brandy! Ring for a big one and no
water ! What a critter it are ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh,
after he had somewhat revived. " It's always a-turnin'
up ; and when it does turn up it's always in the resem
blance of a disagreeable nightmare ! What are you
arter now?" said Mr. Oldbiegh, sternly, to the veiled
figure.

"Oh! Mr. Oldbiegh, don't scold her," said Miss
Jennie, "for she's my step-mother's cousin; she's my
friend and I'm sure she hasn't come for any bad pur
pose. There, be quiet now ; do ! "

"What are you arter?" said Mr. Oldbiegh, sternly.

A COUPLE OF SCHEMERS. 409

"I s'pose you came here to marry me without my
knowin' it! "

"Oh! Mr. Oldbiegh!" said Kate Brumlin, the
widow, bursting into tears and throwing her arms
around Mr. Oldbiegh's neck, while she sobbed on his
shoulder, " if you only knew how I have suffered! "

"Tommy! Tommy!" shouted Mr. Oldbiegh, in a
state of great excitement, " take her away or she'll get
me sent to jail again ! "

Mr. Geseign walked forward and tapped Miss Brum
lin on the shoulder.

"Miss Catherine," said he, " I am Thomas Geseign ;
gaze on my appalling features ! " and Mr. Geseign
pulled the false whiskers from his face. " I am no
suckah! Do you take my meaning? Kind and
generous friend," said Mr. Geseign, turning to Mr.
Oldbiegh, " let me describe this harrowing scene.
Kate Brumlin- you know. This gushing young
creachaw is Katie's accomplice ! They both are
schemers! This white-headed young booby, the
unpleasant child of rich parents, is their game. In
his own name he has woney. Their scheme is to
marry him for his wealth ; get his wealth and
abandon the helpless creachaw. He is what they
call generically a suckah. You they would use
as their tool ! Perhaps marry you also ! You now
have escaped rash creachaw ! "

To describe the touching epithets uttered by the
two females for Mr. Geseign 's benefit is beyond the
power of our steel pen. They uttered them as if they
had learned them by rote ; and the opprobrious

410 A SNOB FUNERAL.

language and descriptive terms which they applied
to the white-headed young man fairly dazzled his inno
cent understanding.

Nothing further is known in connection with the
adventure, except that Mr. Oldbiegh drank seven
glasses of brandy before going to bed that night, and
was in the act of calling for the eighth when he fell
asleep on his bed without having undressed.

CHAPTER XVI.

A SNOB FUNERAL.

THE next morning, Mr. Geseign, being the first to
awake, arose to a sitting posture at once. He
had, unconsciously to Mr. Oldbiegh, undressed him the
night before and put him to bed. He was about to
wake Mr. Oldbiegh, but noticing a gentle smile on his
features, he concluded he was engaged at that moment
in dreaming a pleasant dream. Mr. Geseign, therefore,
refrained from waking him. "A picture of inno
cence," thought Mr. Geseign, as he listened to his
snoring, gazed upon the round features and heaving
breast of Mr. Oldbiegh and watched the fly crawling
over his nose. Suddenly the smile on Mr. Oldbiegh's
features grew deeper and he murmured something in
his sleep. Mr. Geseign listened.

" Whop 'em up ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh. Mr. Geseign

A SNOB FUNERAL. 411

listened again. "Whopped the doods ! " murmured
Mr. Oldbiegh, sweetly.

"Noble old boy!" said Mr. Geseign to himself;
" evidently dreaming that he is engaged in the noble
S p 0r t of racing with a childish dude. Oh ! proud
occupation ! Perhaps in this blissful dream he
imagines himself astride of a bicycle ringing a
bell with a dude-like smile. A curious creachaw
is a dream ! "

Mr. Oldbiegh threw out one arm. He then rubbed
his eyes with his knuckles, yawned, awakened, stretched
himself, arose to a sitting posture and spat on the floor.
He did not seem to recall the fact that he had gone to
bed with his clothes on.

" What critters women are, Tommy ! " were his first
and memorable words, " and what a lot of villainy even
women can be up to ! "

" Quite so," said Mr. Geseign. " Women and the
future state are the two great conundrums ! "

" Who'd a ever thought that that 'ar' little critter
could be up to so deep a game? Why, Tommy, I
s'posed that 'ar' little critter had been brought up on
cows' milk and buttercups and didn't know nothin*
outside of a flower garden nohow ; and yet what a deep
game she played, arter all ; and the way she'd took in
that 'ar' great North American booby from Washoe ;
and the way she did swar ! It was worse than even a
sailor, Tommy ! It's my belief that women in general
and young girls and female babies and all know as
much as a widdyer ; and even if they are as gentle as a
lamb and coo like a dove and are as shy as a doe, that

412 A SNOB FUNERAL.

ther' aren't northin' that none of 'em don't know no
how. It's my belief that arter a woman is twelve
months old she's up to all the games, bobbed ef she
aren't!"

Having delivered himself of these remarks in an
energetic manner, Mr. Oldbiegh resumed his silence,
whereupon Mr. Geseign shook his locks and spoke as
follows :

" As an example to illustrate the truth of your
remarks I will relate an incident. A certain young
creachaw of haughty appearance and proud spirit
was struggling desperately with the waves of mis
fortune so to speak. He was a mere child in age.
Nineteen was the number of his years. Yet he
was proud in spirit as he struggled with his fate.
He discovered a young creachaw a fair flower
beautiful quite so in the city unprotected. She
was an orphan. In the lodging house where he lived
he got her or rather procured her a room. What he
made he shared with the flower. For awhile
these innocent young creachaws were happy. Im
mensely so. She called him her 'brother.' He called
her his ' sister.' Oh ! beautiful picture of two
young hearts ! But times grew hard. Want and
beggary ^nd destitution stared him impudently
in the face and seemed to wink their hideous eyes
at the creachaw. Times grew fiercely harder.
Things and matters began to pinch. She noted
with sorrow his mournful sad brow. He noted
with sorrow her emaciated visage. Oh! poor
young hearts! He would not beg; no nevah!

A SNOB FUNERAL. 413

with his proud spirit he would die first. One day
an idea struck him. He would not beg he would
borrow ! Oh ! brilliant idea ! He borrowed. The
money he placed in her hands. The flower ran off
with another young fellow and spent the proceeds.
Oh! cruel conclusion! The arts of woman. By
Thomas Geseign ! "

" Well, Tommy, I don't know ; a man might do that,
but I ruther think a woman wouldn't, arter all ; unless
it was a two-forty widdyer. If the women heard you
tell that 'ar' story, they'd call you a wretch."

"And love me," said Mr. Geseign.

" I don't believe," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " that 'ar' story
is true to nature, though it is made up by you, darned
ef I do ! "

" Certainly," said Mr. Geseign, " I accept your
apology. So don't mention it further."

"What's all that 'ar'?" said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Oh ! don't mention it," said Mr. Geseign. " Nay
nevah but live learn eschew evil and seek wis
dom. Go learn from the sluggard ! "

" It may be," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " that I'm to get
many hard knocks from women in time to come. It
may be, Tommy," said Mr. Oldbiegh, "but I aren't
entirely lost faith in the critters yet ; not entirely. I
aren't so hardened as a married man, arter all I Darned
ef I do ! "

" Oh ! beautiful sentiment ! " said Mr. Geseign.
44 Exquisite fancy. Poetical dream. Quite so.
Charming idea. Do you know ? " said Mr. Geseign.

"What's that 'ar'?" said Mr. Oldbiegh.

414 A SNOB FUNERAL.

" You should move to the oldest of the United
States," said Mr. Geseign.

"What State is that 'ar'?" said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" The state of matrimony and long may she
wave ! " said Mr. Geseign.

"Haw! haw! you make me larf ! " said Mr. Old
biegh. " I don't know but it are a pleasant state, arter
all. A man arter he's married don't get into trouble
with adventuresome females and widdyers no more ! "

"As might have been remarked," said Mr. Geseign,
"by that intellectual creachaw Solomon by name
or by any other Benedict marriage is a lotter}\
All men acknowledge it six months after marriage.
Six months later they will swear to the truth of
the assertion ; and six months later still they will
swear anyhow. But the tickets are costly. Quite
so. Whether you draw a prize or a blank the cost
is your freedom ; and you in either case are
sold."

" What a critter you are, Tommy ; I think you are
a villain, arter all. Are you ever agoing to get mar
ried?"

" When I do," said Mr. Geseign, " my dulcinea
shall be as ancient as the hills possessing no charms
for that mysterious individual called another !
Such a creachaw has no smiles for him for another !
She's 3 r our own all your own your particular bless
ing ! When I marry pigs will have wings and bushy
tails ! "

" All this," said Mr. Oldbiegh, solemnly, " comes of
bein' a lord and livin' among the snobs. Say, Tommy,

A SNOB FUNERAL. 415

do you suppose that 'ar' little gal was to be married to
the little varmin, arter all?"

" No," said Mr. Geseign " a part of the varnished
tale to blind you."

" Then do you s'pose, arter all, her parents was into
the game?"

"Of course," said Mr. Geseign; "they too are
schemers, infamous schemers ! "

"Do you s'pose they are her real parents? " said Mr.
Oldbiegh.

"Quite so," said Mr. Geseign.

" And do you s'pose," said Mr. Oldbiegh, getting red
in the face, "the }^aller dog was in the plot?"

" I hardly think so," said Mr. Geseign.

"How'd he come to larf in my face as he was goin'
into that gate that day then ? "

" Merely an effervescence of his morbid feel
ings," said Mr. Geseign. " Or possibly being your
enemy he may have permitted the use of his
name."

"Aren't ther' any way to prosecute the critter for
libel, or something?" asked Mr. Oldbiegh.

"None," said Mr. Geseign.

There was a long period of silence, during which the
sound of wagons and cars on the street grew loud and
distinct.

" Say ! oh ! say ! " said Mr. Geseign.

"What's up now?" asked Mr. Oldbiegh.

" I forgot," said Mr. Geseign, " to inform you that
our presence is anxiously expected at the funeral
of one of the elite."

416 A SNOB FUNERAL.

"One of the reg'lar snob funerals?" said Mr. Old-
biegh. " I s'pose all the snobs in town are to turn out
to see the poor critter off? "

"All the wealth aristocracy and beauty will be
there, and the reporters," said Mr. Geseign ; " and I
am privately informed that the near relatives of
the lamented departed dust will be greatly disap
pointed if we do not give countenance to the pro
ceeding by our presence."

" Say ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh, " what a critter a dead
man is, arter all; and what a monkey show a funeral
is! Darned ef it aren't. You see other men die, and
you feel as if you couldn't p'ossibly die yourself nohow.
You go to bed arter philosophizin' in this way, feelin'
as well as a man could be, and the next morning when
you are about to get up as usual, you find yourself a
grinnin' corpse ! What a thing it is ! What a thing it
is to die ! "

Mr. Oldbiegh got up and Mr. Geseign followed suit.
Mr. Oldbiegh immediately began to parade the room
in search of his clothing. As Mr. Geseign had un
dressed him, his clothes were not in their usual place.
He first looked under the foot of his bed for his socks,
as it was his custom to throw them there upon retiring.
He had not yet remembered that Mr. Geseign had put
him to bed, so he did not call upon him for informa
tion. Although Mr. Geseign saw his dilemma, he said
nothing. The first thing Mr. Oldbiegh found was his
collar, and for fear he might lose it again, he put it on.
After skirmishing around the room for some time
further, he found his socks, and put them on also. Ar-

A SNOB FUNERAL. 417

rayed in his collar and socks he proceeded to hunt for
his shirt, which Mr. Geseign had hung up in a closet.
Mr. Oldbiegh did not think of looking in the closet, as
it was his usual custom to hang up his shirt on the
floor at the foot of the bed. He next found his black
cravat and placed it where he could put his hand on it.
He next got a clean shirt out of the bureau drawer
and put it on. He next found his white vest and put
that on. Thus arrayed, he proceeded to hunt for his
coat and pantaloons, which Mr. Geseign had also hung
up in the closet. After charging around the room for
awhile, he thought of the closet and his troubles were
over.

At the suggestion of Mr. Geseign, they both dressed
in deep black and wore black gloves. After they were
dressed they went to the dining-room of the hotel.

" Bring us^" said Mr. Geseign to the black waiter in
a white jacket, "broiled trout and a porter house
steak well done."

" Rarh fer me," said Mr. Oldbiegh.

"Caffay," said Mr. Geseign.

"I ruther think I'll try coffee again, arter all," said
Mr. Oldbiegh. " Though I don't see much difference,
I ruther think it's the best of the two ! " The waiter
bowed and retired. "Tommy," said Mr. Oldbiegh,
"I'm gettin' just a little tired of bein' a snob and of.
snob business."

" In the mad whirl of society all things pall on
the taste; and the older they grow the more they
pall. It is appalling. Oh ! hideous pun ! Shoot
me my friend for a monstah ! "
26

418 A SNOB FUNERAL.

At half-past one, Pitser Coop, who had on a clean
collar for the occasion, and who had polished up the
buttons on his uniform, drove into the circular space
in the centre of the Palace Hotel, and the black foot
man who sat by his side got down and assisted Mr.
Geseign and Mr. Oldbiegh into the carriage. Mr. Ge-
seign leaned heavily on the arm of the footman as he
entered.

" Drive for the house of Mrs. Roguenhanger," said
Mr. Geseign.

" Large house on Geary street, my Lord ? " said the
driver, as he carefully closed the door of the carriage.
Mr. Geseign nodded affirmatively. The driver got
upon the seat and away they drove.

They arrived at the house of mourning, and a gen
tleman walking on tip-toe came to the door and silently
took the hand of Mr. Geseign and Mr. Oldbiegh. They
were going to take a seat in a front room, when a gen
tleman with an intensely melancholy face came forward
and, hooking his arm in that of Mr. Geseign, said that
he must come in the back room with him, and must
try to console the widow. The speaker told Mr. Ge
seign that he was the only person who could console
her, and he earnestly pressed him to make the attempt.

He was taken by his conductor into an immense back
parlor, which had been darkened for the occasion.
The scene that presented itself to Mr. Geseign was, in
deed, a striking one. In the middle of the room was a
rosewood casket, and in the casket, the central figure
of the whole scene, arid the cause of all the commo
tion, the figure whose machinery of life, cogs,

A SNOB FUNERAL. 419

cranks, and balance-wheels were at rest. The figure's
chest had ceased to rise and fall. The muscles of
the body were relaxed and unstrung forever. The
mouth, partly open, was fixed and rigid. The
eyes were motionless. The tongue could not taste.
The heart had stopped. The lungs were as lifeless as
the black marble of the neighboring mantel. This
rigid figure could not even move its little finger. It
was more helpless than an idiot. The stiff lips could
not even utter the murmuring coo of an infant. Time
moved on, but the figure had stopped, was stranded in
the past, and the world and everybody in the world
were rushing on and away from the figure ; everybody,
but a few human buzzards, who had paused for a few
moments to pick the corpse.

Standing together in a dark corner were three law
yers in black. On each of their melancholy faces could
be seen written the hope that they would be employed
to put the estate of the silent figure through the pro
bate court. They looked alternately from the clock on
the mantel, which had also run down, and whose black
hands rested silently at eleven, the hour at which the
deceased had expired; they looked alternately from
the still clock to the still figure in the rosewood box.

The widow came in. They all gazed at her to at
tract her mournful attention. She leaned over the
coffin and began to weep. One of the lawyers, who
was bolder than the rest, went forward and laid his
hand on her shoulder and told her not to give way.
The lawyers in the dark corner, with hatred in their
hearts, looked sourly upon him. Mr. Geseign saw this

420 A SNOB FUNERAL.

when he entered. The pictures in oil colors, on the
wall, of the dead ancestors of the silent figure seemed
to have taken on their countenances the melancholy
expression of the persons present. The red hanging
curtains inside the bay-window looked dark and gloomy.
Four doctors dressed in deep black were standing by
themselves, and were inwardly denouncing a fifth for a
quack, who stood by the black piano. This fifth doc
tor was a man who had arrived in San Francisco, with
twenty-five hundred dollars, a year before. He had
spent fifteen hundred for a team. He had employed
an Indian, with long hair for a coachman. He at
tracted attention wherever he drove, and he drove
incessantly. In one year he had an enormous practice.
He had been emploj^ed by the still figure in the casket,
and there the still figure was. Hence all this commo
tion. This doctor, to judge by the expression on his
face, was evidently trying to fix on the size of the fee
which he would ask of the widow whose tears were
falling, like drops of rain, over the corpse of the man
to whom her mother had married her for money, and
whom she had hated with the bitterest hatred, because
of her awful slavery ever since.

A large number of melancholy looking men were
standing around the walls or moving on tip-toe over
the carpeted floor. There was a stout gentleman, in
gray whiskers, grieving in the corner, whose estate was
closely mixed up with that of the deceased, and who
was, therefore, in both a melancholy and anxious state
of mind. There was a person who had obtained a
piece of land in an illegal manner from the deceased;

A SNOB FUNERAL. 421

and he kept looking at the deceased as if he thought
that there might yet be a possibility of his coming to
life again. There were persons there who were think
ing behind their melancholy visages of the wrongs
which had been done to them by the deceased ; and
there were persons there who incessantly moved to and
fro, in order to attract attention to themselves and
thereby indirectly advertise their business.

The audacious lawyer, who was still trying to soothe
the feelings of the widow, and several ladies showed the
rest of the company on what familiar terms they had
always been with the family by assisting in the attempts
to console. Messrs. Stiff & Boneyard, the dlite under
takers, were having a whispered conversation, in a
corner by themselves, as to the fee they were to charge.

The ladies were nearly all weeping profusely. The
minister of the most elite church in town was present
and now attempted to assist the lawyer in consoling
the widow. He was a bachelor, and as he told her that
all things are done for the best, and that all falling
sparrows are noted in their fall, he wondered if he
could make it for the best in regard to himself, that
through the bonds of matrimony he could reach his
bony fingers for that beautiful estate ; and a pure, holy
and beautiful smile overspread his features, as he
attempted to console the widow. He soon left, and
went to his study to read his sermon over once more
before it was preached.

At last the time came to start for the cemetery. The
lawyer, who was fairly ravenous in his desire to obtain
control of the estate, jumped into his hack and ordered

422 A SNOB FUNERAL.

the driver to take his position second in line, after the
hearse. The driver drove rapidly toward the head of
the column and attempted to take the position the
lawyer had ordered him to assume. But the driver of
the hack tHat was to carry the minister was there
already, and with an oath he drove up closer behind
the first hack, which was to carry the widow. The
procession was beginning to move and the driver of the
hack carrying the lawyer, thinking that he was left Out
altogether, and seeing no other opening, drove in
between the first carriage and the hearse. So the
order in which they came was as follows : The still
figure, in the casket, on its journey to the grave, came
first ; the energetic lawyer in his journey after the
estate, came after the corpse. Then came the widow.
The minister, in his journey after the widow, came
next. The undertakers came after the minister. A
wealthy relative came next. Several carriages, bearing
other rich acquaintances, came next. A hack with the
curtains drawn down, containing a gentleman with a
flask at his lips, came next. The three disappointed
lawyers, with some slight hope still in their minds,
came next. The disappointed doctors came next, and
finally the poorer relatives brought up the rear of the
column.

At the graveyard the minister stood at the head of
the grave and the forward lawyer came in at the foot.
The elite undertakers were, of course, in their element.
All the other persons having designs upon the estate of
the silent figure in the rosewood casket ranged them
selves around the grave like a flock of buzzards.

A SNOB FUNERAL. 423

When the service was over and the top of the grave
had been smoothed into a slick condition and some arti
ficial flowers placed on it, the guests got into their
carriages and drove rapidly away.

The horses of the carriage in which were Mr. Old-
biegh and Mr. Geseign were soon ahead of the rest,
even the energetic lawyer, and the undertakers, who
had another case that day.

" What a holler mockery a funeral is, arter all ! "
said Mr. Oldbiegh, " and what a queer idea it is for a
man to be dead; that is to be entirely dead."

" It's the biggest conundrum of all the jokes," said
Mr. Geseign.

" It's the only joke," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " that aren't
got some sort of a explanation to it ; but ther' aren't
no explanation to it thar. Solomon, smart as people
say he was, couldn't have come within a thousand miles
of the answer to that 'ar' conundrum, the grand and
gloomy conundrum. And what a critter Death is !
He goes silently sneakin' about like a darned chicken
thief, when suddenly he picks you off your roost and
thar' you are ! Whar' do you s'pose a man goes when
he's dead, Tommy ? "

" Ask me an easy one. If I were you and you
were me," said Mr. Geseign, " I would go to a red
pepper climate. Quite so ! "

" Haw ! haw ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh, " what a barby-
rous idea Hades is, arter all, Tommy."

" After you get there ; intensely barbarous," said
Mr. Geseign.

When they arrived at the Palace, Mr. Oldbiegh found

424 A SNOB FUNERAL.

a little French gentlemen waiting for him in one of the
parlors.

"Monsieur Montaigne," said the gentleman*- rising
and extending his hand to Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Glard to know yer, Mountain," said Mr. Oldbiegh,
with a friendly smile, as he drew off his gloves. " What
can I be arter doin' fer yer? "

"Well, Monsieur Olbee," said the little man, "I
seenk you can do much, a grand pile, you being a great
capitaleeste of beesnez."

Mr. Oldbiegh did not comprehend the gentleman at
first, and as he surveyed his face in a questioning
manner he noticed that he appeared to have large,
handsome eyes. And^with these large eyes he gazed
through a pair of gold-rimmed eye-glasses at Mr. Old
biegh.

"Well, my little pard," said Mr. Oldbiegh, "I don't
know as I understand you exactty. Say it over again."

" Well," said the little man, taking off his glasses,
which astonished Mr. Oldbiegh greatly ; for when the
glasses were off the gentleman's large, handsome eyes
suddenly decreased to the size of ugly little beads.

" What a critter a Frenchman are ! " thought Mr.
Oldbiegh.

" Well," said the other, " Mr. Olbee, I suppose you
like for to be marry ? "

"What's that 'ar'?" said Mr. Oldbiegh, with a look
of deep astonishment on his face.

" 1 suppose you like for to be marry wiz a female ? '

" Go to a marriage, arter all ? " said Mr. Oldbiegh

" Yes," said the other.

A SNOB FUNERAL. 425

"Whose goin 1 to get married?" said Mr. Oldbiegh.

"You," said the Frenchman.

" Darned ef I do ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh. " Who's the
critter?"

"What have you say; I not understand him?"
said Monsieur Montaigne.

"Who's the critter that's arter me now?"

"Ze creetaw? Who is ze creetaw?" said the
Frenchman.

" Yes," said Mr. Oldbiegh ; " you've hit it thar'."

" I have hit ze creetaw ? " said the Frenchman, puz
zled. "I don't dreenk, Monsieur Olbee ! When have
I hit ze creetaw?"

" Thar' you go again ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh. " What
a critter you are, arter all ! "

" I am ze creetaw now ? " said the Frenchman, more
puzzled.

"Haw! haw!" said Mr. Oldbiegh, "you are both
critters ! "

" We bos are creetaw ? " said the little man, scratch
ing his head.

" Sartinly ! A course you are ; and you both better
get married. Especially ef she's a widdyer, haw ! haw ! "

"Sare?" said the Frenchman, sternly.

" I say," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " ef she's a widdyer! "

The Frenchman smiled and put on his glasses, where
upon his bead-like eyes became at once greatly enlarged.

"What a critter a Frenchman is, arter all!" said
Mr. Oldbiegh, with astonishment.

" We," said the Frenchman, " or, razer, I suld say,

426 A SNOB FUNERAL.

I am ze agent for tree handsome weedow, who would
prafair greatly to be marry."

" Stop thai-' ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh. " I aren't the
man."

44 Oh ! but, my friend," said the Frenchman, " you
are ze ver' man to make one exqueesite figure for a
matrimony. You are a handsome man for a matrimony !
You are a fine man for a matrimony ! A splendid man
for a matrimony ! And zese French weedow are
charming as a rose ; so much to make your mouth water
like a melon ; and as beautiful as ze light of day ! "

44 Darned ef I do ; not with a widow nohow ! "

" Oh ! but, my friend, her face is like ze velvet on
ze lip of ze rose and her eye is like ze violet! "

" No," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " bobbed ef I do ! "

" Well} but, my friend, she has eyes more brilliant
zan a star ; she is witty as Moli^re ; her mouth like a
ruby and her teeth like a pearl ; and her love is soft
and tender as one infant child ! "

44 No, it carn't be did ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

44 But, my friend," said the Frenchman, earnestly,
44 sink of yourself in her arm for simply the short
space of one moment I Oh ! mon Dieu ! To sink of it
make me tremble ! Sink of ze exqueesite eye, soft
and tender as violet, all for you ! Sink of ze extensive,
passionate kiss, all for you, of ze ruby lip, so long as five
minute before he come to a stop, all for you ! Oh I
mon Dieu ! how I tremble to sink ! "

44 Well," said Mr. Oldbiegh, scratching his head, 44 it
do seem pretty good to a man, but then she's a wid-
dyer! Darned ef I do!"

A SNOB FUNERAL. 427

" Oh ! but, my friend," said the little man, more
earnestly still, and his large eyes seemed to dilate and
grow larger as he spoke, " sink of ze upheavals of her
chests, and ze flash of her beautiful eye when she hear
you tread ! Sink how when you come forward, she
falls in your arms with expiring, profound passion, to
shake her whole system. Sink of such awful passions,
all for you ! Oh ! mon Dieu ! I tremble to sink ! Sink
of ze blissful moment ! sink of ze hours of sweet agony
love ! Oh ! Monsieur Olbee, how I tremble to sink ! "

41 What a critter it must be, arter all ! " said Mr. Old-
biegh, with a beautiful smile.

At this moment Mr. Geseign came into the room
and took a seat near Mr. Oldbiegh, unobserved by him.

44 Zis lady," said the Frenchman, "is one grand
beauty ! She walk like a fairy. I die of passion to
sink. Her grand eye, how it throb wiz passion, more
beautiful as a tweenkle of a star ! Her cheek has a
lovely hue of a sunset cloud. Her locks of gold and
her passion of love one grand fire, so intense. Sink of
one life of bliss in a moment! Oh! mon Dieu! how
I tremble to sink ! "

Mr. Oldbiegh wore an undecided look.

44 What a critter she are ! "

Just at this moment Mr. Geseign quietly seized hold
of him, and without saying a word led him away.

The Frenchman took off his spectacles and watched
their retreating forms.

44 Tommy," said Mr. Oldbiegh, on reaching their
room, "ring the nigger up and send down for four

428 A SNOB FUNERAL.

bottles of soda water, so's I can drink 'em and let my
feelin's escape ! "

While Mr. Oldbiegh was drinking these bottles of
soda water Mr. Geseign gazed upon him sorrowfully.

" Oh ! pitiable spectacle ! " said he, and he turned
and walked to the window and gazed out.

The next morning, after Mr. Geseign had gone out,
three loud knocks were heard at the door. Mr. Old
biegh did not have time to answer before Captain
Grunyon walked in. A hearty smile was on his long
features, and an extensive smile at once crept over
the features of Mr. Oldbiegh. The two old friends
fell into each other's arms, and embraced long and
tenderly.

" I'm so monstrously glad to see you, you old repro
bate," said the Captain, " that I could drink a quart of
4 Jersey lightning' without the trembling of an eyelash
for the purpose of celebrating this occasion ! Why,
yes, certainly, blast it ! "

" How's all the folks ?

"So exceedingly well," said the Captain, "that I
believe my wife could actually dance a tight rope for
twenty-four hours without feeling it ; and as for the
children, they're so healthy from their life in the open
air that they're as muscular as fighting cocks, and as
limber as acrobats ! "

"How's Jack, arter all? " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

"I'm sorry to say it," said the Captain, "but Jack is
sowing his wild oats with a rashness that is astonishing.
He's sowing them broadcast. The vicious young cub
can drink more beer than a sour krout Dutchman : and

A SNOB FUNERAL. 429

I'm afraid that this lean weed of mine is blooming out
into a complete fop. I'd rather see him go plumb to
the deuce like a man, than turn to a dude. I'd rather
see him peering through the bars of a jail. He spends
an hour every day at the glass, combing his wool ; the
part is in the middle by a mathematical calculation,
and he wears a little cane. One encouraging sign, that
cheers me up, is that on several evenings of late he has
come home in a coupe*, with his head hanging out of
the window. Another favorable point is the fact that
he goes, to see a 4 young fellow' of his acquaintance
every night. You will recognize the fact, Oldbiegh,
that this l young fellow ' does not wear a coat and vest
and pants ! It's a giddy thing in petticoats."

" Oh ! well," said Mr. Oldbiegh, " boys will be boys ;
and he aren't the kind to be a dood."

" One monstrously funny thing happened," said the
Captain, "in connection with his love-making. You
know Jack is quick-tempered like his father. Well,
he and another young cock called on the girl the same
night, and proceeded to sit each other out. Jack being
the gentleman of the two, had some compassion on the
girl, and left at quarter past one. The other left at
two. Jack's rival went about town telling the joke on
him, and Jack resolved to cowhide the dog, and swore
he'd lash his dog skin off him. Now it happened that
the dog was a blacksmith and had cultivated -his muscle.
Jack, being a gentleman, was all pluck, and started in
to lash the fellow, who was double his size. His oppo
nent, however, got the whip away from him and lashed
Jack unmercifully. Jack, being a gentleman, however,

430 A SNOB FUNERAL.

in the end overcame the brute force of the hound with
strategy, and left him in the care of four doctors.
This gave a serious aspect to the affair, but, by some
accident, the young fellow recovered."

Mr. Oldbiegh and his visitor walked down to the
parlor on the New Montgomery street side of the hotel
to wait for a friend of the Captain, Jarnigan by name.
They took seats at the window, and proceeded to keep
a lookout for him. They had hardly taken their seats
before the Captain slapped his leg and said : " Look ! "

" Where ? " said Mr. Oldbiegh.

" Do you see the gin-mill over the way ? "

" That saloon over thar' ? " said Mr. Oldbiegh. The
Captain nodded affirmatively.

" Well," said the Captain, " do you see that strange
freak of nature over there ? see him ? that little
creature, with his mouth watering for a whisky straight,
parading backwards and forwards in front of the saloon,
with a dignified tread for so small an animal?"

Mr. Oldbiegh looked and saw a little man about four
feet eight inches high, quite stout about the waist, with
a large head, and in a large coat with long tails. This
little man would walk down the street with his head
in the air until he got opposite to the door of the
saloon, would look suspiciously at the door, and would
then move on. After going forty or fifty feet, he would
suddenly stop as if he had forgotten something, walk
back and again look suspiciously at the door and then
move on.

"Now," said the Captain, as the little man stopped
at the door of the saloon the second time, " that's Jar-

A SNOB FUNERAL. 431

nigan. A dollar against a half he dodges in this time !
No ! he's escaped ; there he goes ! Oldbiegh, three to
one he goes in this time ! No, he's missed it again !
The plug-ugly fiend ! There he goes ! He'll hit it
this time and get his drink ! Four to one he does ! "
The Captain was getting greatly excited. The little
man stopped long in front of the door, and looked
around in all directions suspiciously. " Six to one,"
said the Captain, " he'll make it this time ! " The Cap
tain was right. The little man shot suddenly through
the door of the saloon. He remained in many mo
ments. " Oldbiegh," said the Captain, " three to one
the fiendish little cowboy is dodging about inside,
attempting to get out ! " The Captain had hardly
made the remark when the little man shot suddenly
out through the door of the saloon. " That's Jarni-
gan," said the Captain. "You should see him on the
top of his large horse, Oldbiegh. As he sits there,
with an immense quid of tobacco in his distended left
cheek, he looks for all the world like a topsided clothes
pin astraddle the ridge of a house ! Here he comes ! "

The little man walked with a slow and dignified
tread into the room.

"Oldbiegh," said the Captain, " Jarnigan. Jarnigan,
Oldbiegh." Mr. Oldbiegh looked down at the little
man and the little man looked up at Mr. Oldbiegh.
Mr. Oldbiegh reached his large hand down to the little
man and the little man reached his hand up to Mr.
Oldbiegh. "Jarnigan," said the Captain, "you were
in a saloon this morning drinking like a famished
ostrich I "

432 A SNOB FUNERAL.

"I was on the street," said the little man.

" Hear him ! " said the Captain. " Circumlocution.
He's a lawyer. Though we saw him go into a saloon,
yet if we were to cross-question him for a million of
years he wouldn't make the slightest admission. It
would take a regular legal dentist to haul an admission
out of the little legal rogue ; and when the admission
was pulled out, it would prove to be worthless. It's
my belief that when he's cross-questioned on the Day
of Judgment as to his vicious acts, he'll make no admis
sions and escape while many a better man will go
below ! Isn't it so, Jarnigan ? "

" I can't say," said Mr. Jarnigan, solemnly.

" Hear him ! " said the Captain ; " he don't admit it,
but sails off again into circumlocution. The miniature
monstrosity ! Now, Oldbiegh," said the Captain, " I've
brought my friend Jarnigan along to go on a midnight
howler with us;- we'll have a regular hurricane, for
there's more villainy wrapped up in that little skin of
his than you can imagine. If you were trying to get it
out of him, it would be like pulling ribbons out of a
conjurer's hat. The more you would pull, the more
you would grow astonished at the amount of villainy
you would continue to pull out of him! You see he
looks as innocent and as solemn as an owl, but that's
one of his tricks ! "

Mr. Oldbiegh and Mr. Jarnigan were on intimate
terms in a short time. The Captain and the little man
had been old friends for years.

Before eleven o'clock the next day the three com
panions, who were still together, had passed through

A SNOB FUNERAL. 433

such an experience that any one of them was in an
excellent condition to stand in the middle of the street
and shriek without any apparent cause on the slightest
provocation. Strange to say, by 'four o'clock in the
afternoon they were in a less intense state.

The Captain now suddenly took a notion into his
head that they were in a good condition to have their
photographs taken in a group. As the others con
sented, they went to one of the best photographers and
sat for their pictures. The operator put them in three
chairs together. Then taking Mr. Oldbiegh's head
between the palms of his hands he fixed it in position
and told him to look steadily at the photograph of a
baby pinned on the opposite wall. He had hardly left
him when the head of Mr. Oldbiegh dropped forward
and his chin rested on his shirt-bosom. The operator
attempted to fix the Captain, who was the central
figure, in position.

" No, sir ! " said he. " I'm not to be photographed
for a dude ! No dramatic positions for me. I was born
natural and there's nothing artificial about me but my
wooden leg, and I'm riot ashamed of that, for I got it
in the Forty-fourth Tennessee, sir! "

"But, sir," said the photographer, "in order to have
the correct perspective, in order to make you look
natural in the picture, I must ask you to keep the
position in which I place you."

" No, sir," said the Captain ; " I don't propose to be
photographed with the slimy look of a fool on my face !"

The argument between the Captain and the photog
rapher was long, for the Captain when he was drunk
27

434 A SNOB FUNERAL.

showed that disgusting dogmatism, egotism and self-
importance which most army officers show when they
are sober ; and on the part of the Captain it was loud.
The photographer at last gave way. The Captain's
point-blank assertions and flat contradictions, and his
assumption of the whole argument a method which
he had learned to apply with much skill in the army
triumphed over all reason.

The artist now proceeded to take the photograph.
During the process Mr. Oldbiegh's chin sunk down on
his chest again. The photographer went into a little
dark closet arid came out with the negative, which he
showed to the Captain. The Captain, who was the
central figure, as has been stated, appeared with his
head thrown back and his forehead was deeply wrin
kled. A stern and rigid look was in his eyes. His
head being thrown back the observer looked up into
his nostrils, which appeared to be fearfully distended ;
and his ears had assumed double their ordinary pro
portions.

Mr. Oldbiegh, with his chin on his chest, and a silly
look on his face, was to the right ; arid Mr. Jarnigan,
with his head down and his feet dangling in the air,
was to the left.

The Captain looked long and solemnly at the picture,
and then remarked that it was an immensely fine like
ness, being perfectly true to nature and the only
natural likeness he had ever seen.

THK BOARDING SCHOOL. 435

CHAPTER XVII.

THE BOARDING SCHOOL.

A GAIN gloomy thoughts fill the mind of the melaii-
J_jL choly scribe ; again his sickly visage becomes elon
gated by sorrow ; and if the now wretched scribe
advocated weeping for men as well as women as did
the great novelist, Bulwer, his features would be moist
ened by a shower of tears ! However, as he considers
weeping a practice that should be rigidly confined to
the other sex, to small boys and to crocodiles, he does
not weep a tear ; but he wears, nevertheless, a hide
ously melancholy appearance at the present moment.

Alas ! for poor human nature ! Oh ! ah ! alas !
Even the greatest of human beings have had their weak
points. Solomon was fond of his sickly little wife.
Jonah had a weakness for whales, and told a fish story.
Some of the greatest statesmen have had the weakness
to become jealous of their wives. The great Montezuma
had the weakness to be superstitious. Cortez had the
weakness to be a rake, and Napoleon with all his
mighty intellect had the disgusting habit of pinching
the ears of his friends. This made them smile, but
they smiled a very disagreeable smile. And now, we
have to relate the fact that that wonderful being, as
Mr. Oldbiegh thought him, Thomas Geseign, was
obstinate and hard-headed to an intense degree ; and
this peculiarity of Mr. Geseign's nature caused the
melancholy event which we are about to relate.

436 THE BOARDING SCHOOL.

Mr. Oldbiegh was standing in his shirt and stocking
feet one morning before the looking-glass. Although
he had just discovered the fact that there were no but
tons on his shirt, a good-humored smile was still playing
on his features, when Mr. Geseign, who was standing
in deshabille before a looking-glass in the next room,
made some remark which showed his ignorance on a
question of mining. Mr. Oldbiegh attempted to correct
him, but Mr. Geseign stubbornly maintained that his
view of the matter was correct. Mr. Oldbiegh's brow
became overclouded for the first time in many days.

" You know, Tommy," said he, "I'd give up to you
about anything else whatever; but on mining, being an
old miner, who came to the mines in the days of '49, it
carn't be did for no man, nohow. You might as well
go and tell a shoemaker how to drive his pegs, and how
to bore with his awl, as to tell a reg'lar 'Forty-niner
about mining! It aren't to be done by no man on no
account, nohow ! "

It pains the scribe to relate the fact that Mr. Geseign
now maintained with still greater obstinacy that he
was right and that Mr. Oldbiegh was wrong ; and that
he actually gave expression to a sneer against not only
'Forty-niners but also against the few individuals of
'Forty-eight, asserting that they were "worn out old
rags," and founding this assertion upon the plausible
theory that a man is at his best between the ages of
twenty-one and thirty. It was beyond the powers of
human endurance to stand this, and Mr. Oldbiegh got
angry with Mr. Geseign. Of course, Mr. Oldbiegh
was so little in the habit of getting angry with anyone

THE BOARDING SCHOOL. 437

that it was very clumsily done ; nevertheless, he did
get angry and high words passed between the two
friends.

As soon as Mr. Geseign could get on his pantaloons
he left the room. In a moment Mr. Oldbiegh had lost
all his anger, and his bosom was filled with sadness, for
he cast the whole blame for what had occurred upon
himself. He hurried down stairs, but Mr. Geseign was
gone. He inquired for him, but no one had seen his
friend. For weeks Mr. Oldbiegh continued to hunt
for Mr. Geseign, but could find no trace of him.

During the whole of this time Mr. Oldbiegh never
was seen to smile. He seldom spoke to anyone, and
his features were covered with gloom. He did not
seem to be himself, and he lost his appetite and lived
almost exclusively on chicken broth. He did not
express his grief, but mourned inwardly.

His only relief seemed to be in going to the theaters
and watching the ballet girls, whom he told an acquaint
ance he considered to be " sweet critters, arter-all ! "
This appeared to be the sole amusement of which he
did not tire.

One evening some rich acquaintances invited him to
share their box at the California Theater. In the
middle of the performance he happened to look up at
the gallery. He could hardly believe his eyes when he
saw Mr. Geseign sitting there composedly amidst a
crowd of newsboys, eating peanuts. Mr. Oldbiegh
became greatly excited and rushed from the box. Mr.
Geseign saw him coming and rapidly disappeared from
the gallery, upsetting a number of urchins in his flight.

438 THE BOARDING SCHOOL.

It is needless to say that when Mr. Oldbiegh reached
the gallery, he found Mr. Geseign gone and another
person in his place. With a sad heart Mr. Oldbiegh
returned to his friends.

Mr. Oldbiegh now employed a detective. to hunt for
Mr. Geseign. Every day or two the detective brought
in a new clue and presented his bill for the same.
During this period Mr. Oldbiegh could have been seen
almost daily reading the theatrical posiers on the fences
and walls ; and he attended those theaters at which
could be seen the ballet girls, who appeared more
charming on each occasion he saw them. In the course
of time his taste became vitiated, and he could often be
found sitting, gloomy and companionless, in some dive,
watching the actresses, whom he informed a friend he
considered to be, like the ballet girls, sweet critters,
arter all ! In these places he had his pockets picked
three times and on one occasion the watch that he prized
so much was taken from him. Strange to say, it was
mysteriously returned to him the next day. The same
thing happened to him on several occasions afterwards.
Mr. Oldbiegh was astounded.

One evening Mr. Oldbiegh met a woman of fine
appearance and handsomely dressed on the street.
She was in great tribulation. Mr. Oldbiegh saw she
was trying to conduct a drunken man along the side
walk but, being obstinate, she could do nothing with
him. She turned to Mr. Oldbiegh, who had stopped,
and telling him that the man was her brother, begged
him to see him safely to some hotel. Mr. Oldbiegh
did so, aud the next day the man, who during his

THE BOARDING SCHOOL. 439

drunkenness had had his pockets picked by somebody,
had him arrested for robbing him. Through some
mysterious agency the charges were dismissed, and
the man apologized for his action. Some one was
evidently watching over Mr. Oldbiegh.

Need we suggest to the reader the name of Mr.
Geseign? If the reader concludes that Mr. Geseign
was the unknown friend and then desires an explana
tion for all Mr. Geseign 's conduct, we shall have to
leave him to come to his own conclusion. We can
only say that the workings of the human mind and
the mainsprings of human conduct are sometimes
strange in the extreme. It may have been that the
entire trouble was but a scheme on the part of Mr.
Geseign to prove to Mr. Oldbiegh that he was indis
pensable to him, or it may have been that the whole
proceeding was one of sentiment and feeling on the
part of Mr. Geseign. Quien Sabe?

On one occasion a ball was given to the Governor of
the State at the Mechanics' Pavilion in San Francisco.
Mr. Oldbiegh was invited to go with a company of the
e*lite, who intended to form a select set by themselves,
apart from what they termed the "riff-raff," "rabble,"
or "dangerous element; " and it was expected that the
Governor would associate with the less dangerous e*lite
during the evening.

It was a rainy, windy night, and on his way to the
Pavilion, Mr. Oldbiegh had rolled his pantaloons half
way up to the tops of his boots. As the music for the
grand march was playing when he went into the
dressing-room, he forgot to unroll one leg of his panta-

440 THE BOARDING SCHOOL.

loons. Rushing out to the main floor of the building,
he took his lady on his arm, assumed the position next
behind the Governor, and, with a smile on his broad
features, arid one of the legs of his pantaloons rolled
almost up to his knee, he commenced the march. The
building was brilliantly lighted. Gay ladies, festive
gentlemen and many mammas, all smiling, talking,
fluttering, blushing, and waving their fans, were in the
galleries. Forming the first part of the long line of
persons, participating in the grand march, was the choice
set of the elite. Next came a class of poor but respecta
ble persons ; and forming the remaining two thirds of
the line was a mixture of " fellers " and their " girls,"
and "girls" with their "fellers." The "fellers" wore
" Mazeppas," high-heeled boots and spring-pants. The
" girls " wore their hair banged on their foreheads, their
toes were turned in, and their dresses bulged out from
their knees.

The band in blue uniforms, brass buttons and gold
lace, with their brass instruments, were sitting on the
south side of the building on a raised platform. The
Governor's staff, in uniforms more dazzling than the
sun itself, were also at the front of the column ; and
by the stern expressions on their noble faces, it was
evident that they intended to lead that column on to
victory or die on the field of glory.

After the first dance, Mr. Oldbiegh and the Governor
were sitting side by side, Mr. Oldbiegh unconsciously
occupying a chair intended for one of the many re
nowned Generals present. While gazing at the far end
of the building, Mr. Oldbiegh saw that a door opened

THE BOARDING SCHOOL. 441

through that end of the edifice into a bar-room. Sud
denly a sound like that of soldiers marching to battle
sent a thrill through the audience ; and an officer in
epaulets of enormous size, whose sword dragged on the
floor after him, came marching backwards through the
door of the bar-room, carrying an open book of infan
try tactics in his hand, from the pages of which he
constantly read -the orders, which he gave in a harsh
and unkind voice to a company of soldiers, who now
came marching after him out of the bar-room, two
abreast. They wore high fur caps, had leather straps
under their chins, and every man in the company had
a wicked, ferocious and desperate look.

They were formed in line before the Governor, who
arose and gave them a military salute. Mr. Oldbiegh
thereupon arose also, smiled, and gave them a lofty
salute. As their bloodthirsty appetites seemed now to
be satisfied, they retired to the bar-room above men
tioned, at the far end of the building, and, after taking
a cocktail, disbanded. The danger being apparently
over, the dancing now continued through the rest of
the evening, and the dancers were not again molested.

The elite danced in a set at one end of the room.
What will be the reader's surprise when we say that
late in the evening Mr. Oldbiegh saw Mr. Geseign
" pivoting " with Becky, the pretty maid of the
Golden Chariot, at the far end of the apartment ! Mr.
Oldbiegh immediately hurried to that end of the room,
but before he got there Mr. Geseign had disappeared.

A few days after this the detective whom Mr. Old
biegh had employed found a handkerchief belonging

442 THE BOARDING SCHOOL.

to Mr. Geseign. After being paid for this clue, he
told Mr. Oldbiegh that he was sure he would now soon
discover Mr. Geseign's whereabouts.

Somewhat later Mr. Geseign was discovered in a
young ladies' boarding school. He had been employed
to keep the books of the establishment. Before de
scribing the affecting meeting between Mr. Geseign
and Mr. Oldbiegh, we shall describe the institution as
Mr. Geseign saw it.

Mr. Geseign had been keeping the accounts of the
boarding school for a week. During that week he had
gained a thorough insight into the workings of the
mysterious establishment. He then came to the con
clusion that the opportunities boarders have to gain
knowledge in a boarding school are quite extensive.
He saw clearly that as this institution was similar to a
penitentiary in many respects, the young ladies natu
rally acquired much of that valuable information which
is otherwise to be had only by a course of study in a
State's prison. Mr. Geseign realized the fact that when
young girls are just becoming old enough to recognize
many of the frivolous acts performed by their parents,
those parents sometimes send them to jail in a boarding
school for four years to have them out of the way ;
also that other parents placed them in this sad con
finement because it was the fashion in good society to
do so ; that still others did it through ignorance of the
vicious knowledge which young females sometimes
acquire at such institutions ; and that most persons
send them there because most persons have not ac
quired the delightful art of thinking for themselves ;

THE BOARDING SCHOOL. 443

and because of all these interesting reasons, they send
young girls, when they are most in need of a home, a
mother's care, a father's counsel, and a brother's expres
sion of universal knowledge, they send them to be
confined for years with a gang of strangers, in an arti
ficial society, composed of servants, of other girls like
themselves, and often of narrow-minded and ancient
maids who have become soured, embittered, and tyran
nical because of the failure of the many schemes which
they have laid to procure a husband and helpmeet.
The young females have none of that association with
the other sex which is so beneficial to both ; unless
it be with the mule cousin or brother of the principal,
who always resides at such institutions ; but no one
will be so rash as to claim that this association is bene
ficial.

Amidst the bitterness of soured minds, the hysterical
giddiness of similar girls, the intellectual conversation
of the servants and the cousin or brother, they thus
learn the household duties which they are afterwards
to perform. No persons will refuse their sincerest sym
pathy to the wretched husband, for whose benefit they
will practice the household duties, a knowledge of
which they have thus obtained.

One cold, foggy morning the brick building in which
Mr. Geseign was employed wore a black and chilly
aspect. A crowd of pretty, pale-faced girls were seen
gazing out of one of the windows. They looked like
caged canary birds or sickly house plants. Either com
parison will serve the purpose. The green shutters on
the other windows were closed. Though it was yet

444 THE BOAKDING SCHOOL.

early in the morning, though i was winter, though no
fires were ever lighted in any of the rooms but the
study-room and the room in which visitors were received
on Saturday and then only during the visiting hours,
from two to four p. M. the young ladies were gathered
in this cold apartment, gazing sadly out on the wet
green grass in front of the house, and waving their
handkerchiefs languidly at times to some of the persons
who passed b}^ the desolate building.

In a damp and chilly room on the other side of the
edifice, in which a fire was already prepared to be
lighted, but to which they touched no match, were
seven maiden ladies. This was the reception-room and
the match would be touched to the fire at two o'clock ;
the visitors would come and notice how comfortable
the daughters must be, and as a teacher would be
present in the room, the daughters would remark that
they were very comfortable indeed; the visitors would
leave the fire and the fire would be extinguished at
four o'clock. The seven maiden ladies, who governed
the institution and taught therein, were covered with
shawls and were rubbing their hands together. One, a
tall, raw-boned woman, with a wrinkled hatchet face,
was the principal. Her name was Miss Isabel. She
had a soured look and a tyrannical expression about her
face. The others all had soured expressions, and while
none of them were under thirty-five years of age, they
all dressed like gidd} r girls of sixteen.

Miss Isabel had attempted to capture six men, but
had made a complete failure in each case. The next
lady had had a desperate contest with three parsons

THE BOARDING SCHOOL. 445

and a lawyer, but they had all escaped. The others
had had similar experiences; and it was a noticeable
fact that with each lady the last attempt had been made
on a parson. From a scientific point of view these
statistics may prove of value. The minds of the ladies
had grown narrower and more embittered with each
failure.

Suddenly one of the scholars came across the hall
with a tripping step, and announced the fact that a
Chinaman was coming up the front walk.

" Don't move in that undignified manner, Miss Bur
ton ! " said several of the seven females.

"You need not have informed us that the Chinaman
was coming," said Miss Isabel ; " we knew he was
coming, so please retire, and wait, until you are called
upon next time I "

" She is too girlish ! " said Miss Blume. " We must
put an end to that ! "

" Certainly," said the six remaining teachers.

The door bell now rang and the Chinaman entered.
The seven teachers had formed in line and the China
man in his queue, blue frock and white-soled Chinese
slippers stood before them.

" Your name ? " said Miss Isabel.

" Your name ? " echoed a stout lady at the other end
of the line.

"Him Sing ; shabbee ? "

" Him Sing Shabby ! " said Miss Isabel, in a dignified
tone.

" No shabbee ! " said the Chinaman.

" No shabby what? " said Miss Isabel.

446 THE BOARDING SCHOOL.

" No, shabbee, not my name ; shabbee?"

"Shabby what? " said Miss Isabel.

"Him Sing," said the Chinaman, "alle same sing
hymn turn loun shabbee ? All-e same go churchee,
sing hymn, turn loun; shabbee? My name Him
Sing ! " said the Chinaman, with a sweet Mongolian
smile.

" Well, Him," said Miss Isabel, " you see we have a
number of young girls here ? "

" Littee gearl, welly nicee ! " said the Chinaman.

" Now, Him, can you watch the conduct of the young-
ladies without letting them know what you are doing,
and report their conduct to me? in order to keep up
the discipline, you know. "

"Me heap shabbee," said the Chinaman. "Me heap
shabbee catchim seclit. Me tellim you. Me Chlistian
Chinaman ; welly sly ; shabbee ? Me sing 4 Sweet
Bye and Bye ' shabbee? Me shabbee dead ; me talkee
clead in churchee; me heap believe clead ; shabbee?
Me play on my knee ; heap play, loll up my eyes ;
you shabbee play ? "

" Now, Him," said Miss Isabel, " our cook, whose
name is Hi Fun, is also a Chinaman. He will explain
the details to you. All I desire to say is that letters
which the young ladies write home are examined first
to see if there are any complaints in them about food,
etc. The young ladies sometimes try to send out letters
secretly. Now, you are to watch them. The young-
ladies have tried to climb over the back fence and
escape. You are to look out for this also. The young
ladies are not allowed to go out of the school-house but

THE BOARDING SCHOOL. 447

one afternoon in the week, and to church on Sunday,
on both of which occasions they march in a column
and we go with them."

"Me go churchee. Me heap like slermon. Welly
nice for me, shabbee ? "

"Yes," said Miss Isabel, "but don't interrupt me.
The visiting hours are on Saturday afternoon. You
are to tend the door and keep the fire burning. At four
o'clock you are to be ready with your gong and if we
want to get rid of the visitors you* are to sound it ;
otherwise you are not to sound it till I tell you."

"Hadn't we better explain the reason why, so that
he can sound the gong more understandingly ? " asked
one of the other teachers.

"It is immaterial, Miss Hattie," said the principal;
"but at your suggestion I will tell him that we punish
some of the young ladies, whose friends come long dis
tances and but seldom, by sounding the gong sooner
foixthem than others, as this is a greater method of
punishment than the common one of corporeal chastise
ment, and it is doubly effective as it serves also as a
discourtesy to the girl's friend or relative. She natur
ally feels this keenly, if she is sensitive in her disposition.
Further, you are to admit no visitor except on Saturday.
Further, there are certain pests in the shape of young
men who come and serenade behind the back fence.
You are to shoo them away ! "

" Me heap shabbee," said the Chinaman.

" Sometimes," said the principal, " the girls receive
jams, turkeys and hams from their friends. You are to
intercept these ! "

448 THE BOARDING SCHOOL.

" Me heap shabbee. Me heap fly. Young gear! too
muchee eat. Byme-by, too fat. Me catchee hamjam,
tlerky. Me give my cousin, Chinee wash-house. Heap
likee tlerky, hamjam. Chinaman no get fat. He eat
him ; you shabbee ? "

" No," said Miss Isabel, " we'll reserve them."

"Me shabbee. You likee tlerky. Tlerky welly
nicee for young lady ! "

The seven teachers rolled up their enraptured eyes
at this compliment. He* was now dismissed from the
presence of the seven rigid females.

This Chinaman proved to be an excellent acquisition,
for in the course of a week for every delinquency
reported by any of the other authorities he had reported
three ; and as he learned rapidly what were considered
offenses on the part of the young ladies, being " welly
fly," he manufactured offenses out of the whole cloth
and the young ladies were punished for these fancies of
his Chinese imagination. Heretofore the young ladies
had succeeded in bribing the white servants with such
trifles as sticks of candy, ten-cent pieces, chicken
wings, locks of hair, etc., but Him Sing did not seem to
have an itching palm for these bribes, for he would
only gaze upon the face of the young lady with a
wild look in his almond eyes and remark, " Welly fly ;
shabbee ? " and pass on.

One morning there was quite a flutter of commotion
amongst the young ladies at the breakfast table, and
none of the pretty creatures would eat the rolls which
Had been placed beside their plates. One of the
number had passed by the kitchen and had seen the

THE BOARDING SCHOOL. 449

Chinese cook sprinkling the rolls in the oven by blowing
water over them from his mouth. She had reported
this fact to her companions. Him Sing carried the
matter to the principal.

44 Young lad) T ; you shabbee him?" said the Chi
naman.

" Yes," said the principal, sternly.

44 He no eat loll. Me askee him wha' for he no eat
loll. He say Hi Fun spit on loll ; he no eat him.
Me tell him eat all e same. Hi Fun heap shabbee
make e loll. Blow on him ; make him blown. He
no eat him. He no eat hash ; no likee hash ! "

44 Why don't they eat hash ? "

44 Him say too muchee Hi Fun hair in hash ! Wha'
for? Hi Fun hair all e same young lady hair. Welly
good hair ! "

Him Sing was also faithful in attending the door
bell and in keeping away visitors on other than visiting
days. On those days he stood with a wicked grin,
gong in hand, behind the stairway and smiled sadly at
the young ladies whenever they discovered him in his
concealed position. While he remained in the institu
tion vast quantities of tea, coffee, sugar and eggs
disappeared monthly, but there was never any evidence
against him. He went almost nightly, with a brass-
rimmed bible in his hand, to meet the members of a
Chinese bible class, and on these evenings Mr. Geseign
often found the members of the class busily engaged
in playing 44 tan " in a Chinese wash-house.

Mr. Geseign WHS standing in the hallway one Tues
day afternoon, when there was a ring at the door. Him
28

450 THE BOARDING SCHOOL.

went to the door. A gentleman standing there said :
" Is Miss in ? "

" No shabbee," said the Chinaman. " Boarder gearl
no hab fadder ; shabbee ? "

" Say that I've called. There's my card."

" Me no takin' ticket. Ticket no good ; shabbee ? "

" But I want to see her."

"Come salmsdy. You shabbee sal msdy ? Vistindy;
shabbee ? "

" Say to the principal that I'm the Governor of the
State !" said the gentleman.

" Wha' for you Gov'nor? What you callim him?
Me heap no shabbee."

Upon receiving this cruel blow, the Governor de
parted.

A few moments later the principal came gliding
down the hallway with a sort of a dignified stage
stride. She had a captured letter in her hand, which
a weeping young lady, who was by her side, had writ
ten to her mother, complaining of many small acts of
tyranny which the principal had practised upon her.
The reader will understand the cause of this tyranny,
when we say that both principal and scholar were
women, and that while the principal was a withered
antiquity, the scholar was young and beautiful.

But we must hurry these harrowing scenes to a close.
The detective at last discovered Mr. Geseign's where
abouts ; and the detective and Mr. Oldbiegh were seen
one morning standing on the lawn like a couple of
apparitions.

Mr. Oldbiegh and Mr.Geseign met on the lawn in

THE BOARDING SCHOOL. 451

front of the school-house, and the young ladies watched
the meeting from all the windows of the seminary.
Mr. Oldbiegh reached forward with one arm and took
Mr. Geseign to his bosom. Mr. Geseign then straight
ened out his left arm and circled it around Mr. Old
biegh. They were both so affected for many moments
that they could not speak. Mr. Oldbiegh attempted
to do so several times, but choked in the attempt. At
last he broke the silence and said:

"Tommy, are you forgiven me, arter all?"

"Oh ! kind and generous friend, have my fatal
impulses been forgiven ? " said Mr. Geseign.

"Why, Tommy, ther' warn't nothin' to be forgiven.
It was ail my fault."

" Mine ! mine ! I shriek to exclaim ! I was the
hideous offendah ! I was the wretched creachaw !
Oh ! villainy ! oh ! hypocrisy ! these were my tools ! "

tt Stop her right thar' ! '* said Mr. Oldbiegh. " I won't
let no man talk about you like that 'ar'. Not even
yourself. If you done anything wrong it was because
you'd become a snob. So the only thing to be done
now is to say we don't part no more on no account
nohow. And, Tommy, it's my belief that all our
trouble has come from turning ourselves into a couple
of unnatural darned snobs ! So I propose that the best
thing is to leave the holler-hearted world and go off
together to the green mountains and red-wood forests
and silver streams ! The aren't no snobs thar'. The
grizzly aren't a snob ; and who ever heered of a coyote
immitatin' the arts of a dood? Thar' in the green
fields you smell the breath of the flowers, and you

452 ADIEU.

hear the wind sighin' in the branches, and you fish in
the silver streams, and } T OU build your camp-fire at
night; and we could sit around the fire and you tell
stories and sleep as sound as a rock !

" You don't hear no lies out thar' in the green fields.
You don't see the wild rose a critercizin' the dress of
the wild violet; and the flowers of the field and the
birds of the air don't tell no scandals, arter all ! Who
ever heerd among the flowers out thar' about the but
tercup bein' ' a man about town ? ' Or who ever heerd
of a Johnny Jumpup bein' an 4 F. F. V ? ' Nobody,
because it couldn't be, nohow ! So I propose, Tommy,
we go out and build a shanty on the edge of a silver
stream that comes down some great cafion ; and we'll
live thar' and we won't part no more ; we'll be a couple
of jolly old bachelores, with our pipes and our dogs,
and we'll be as happy as fightin' cocks ; and thar'
won't be a widdyer or a snob in a hundred miles of us ;
and we won't never part ! "

" Nevah ! " said Mr. Geseign, in a low, guttural voice.

CHAPTER XVIII.

ADIEU.

"Last scene of all that ends this strange, eventful history! "

rilHE older we grow the more certain are we that we
J. are right on every proposition, and that everybody

ADIEU. 453

else is wrong. We are satisfied for this ample reason
that, after their hair-breadth escapes, it would be wrong
to marry our heroes in the last chapter.

The older we grow the larger becomes the scope of
memory ; and the nearer we approach the grave with
the gloom of its surroundings, the more melancholy do
our first recollections appear, and the earliest scenes of
childhood are the saddest of all to recall, because they
were the happiest. Those earliest recollections are so
nearly vanished, and so nearly dead, that they seem to
resemble the shadows of the grave which is at hand.
And so, my fiendish reader, if you be a man, and my
dear reader, if you be a woman, seem the pages of this
melancholy tale to the jaded and weary scribe as he
comes panting to the goal. Sadness appears to shroud
the whole scene when he recalls the fact that there has
not been even one marriage to give a light and humor
ous aspect to these pages ! A couple of bachelors
started out as the chief figures in the first few chap
ters; they remained bachelors through the chapters
following; and the curtain is rung down upon them
as bachelors, while the females in the audience gaze
upon them with looks of disgust.

It is a settled fact that that which might have been
is something which is of a melancholy nature. Mr.
Oldbiegh and Mr. Geseign might have been married ;
but don't let us make the melancholy reflection.

Throughout the whole book, as we now look back,
scene after scene seems to be shrouded in crape ; and
in regard to the characters of the book, we feel like
the undertaker who had been in the habit of taking

454 ADIEU.

his family out every morning for a pleasant drive in
his hearse !

We hear Mr. Oldbiegh's laugh in the first chapter
a wretchedly weak cachinnation it seems; the laugh
has a hollow and melancholy sound. It has in it none
of the elements of the loud and jolly " haw ! haw ! " of
the married man whose wife delivers a humorous lec
ture on clubs, keeping him in a wakeful state by ap
plying cold feet to his back until four o'clock in the
morning, and who has just terminated the speech with
a grand comical peroration. There is nothing of the
kind in Mr. Oldbiegh's consumptive cachinnation.

And now that the scribe has cocked his little pistol
and fired at a snob or so, and a few dudes, he has a
most desperate labor before him. He must dispose of
these bachelors. They won't die, and they won't get
married ; of the two they would choose to die. They
cling to the scribe like leeches ! It is a fearful situa
tion for the melancholy scribe.

The question now arises, has he by writing a work
whose object was to take the conceit out of persons in
the married state incurred the displeasure of the gods
who watch over the aforesaid married state to such an
extent that they will allow his work in favor of bache
lors to have no end, and compel him to keep on writing
forever as a punishment? Is Mr. Oldbiegh destined to
cling to him for want of a gentler companion ? Things
and matters are beginning to take a serious aspect.
Arid if Mr. Oldbiegh and Mr. Geseign and the other
persons in the book who are perhaps bachelors on the
gly are thus to cling to him like leeches, is the scribe

ADIEU. 455

to be thereby prevented from having a gentle mate ?
The scribe's hair stands on end at the thought !

But to speak seriously : As Mr. Oldbiegh and Mr.
Geseign come tripping to the front of the stage, hand
in hand, to bid farewell to their friends, the audience,
nothing in the world could present a more dignified
and touching scene. Although Mr. Geseign's belief in
his own poetry has often made him appear to the reader
like a conceited ass, he rather considered it a credit not
to belong to the class called writers ; for he informed Mr.
Oldbiegh while out walking one day that he regarded
them as a mob of cranks of a more disagreeable kind
than the gentleman who went " thundering down the
ages " at the end of a hemp rope, a short while ago.
Nevertheless, if the reader will persist in considering
Mr. Geseign a conceited ass, he must remember that he
is human ; and perhaps, no human being was ever yet
described who had not something of the conceited ass
about him, if biographers would only tell the truth.

Notwithstanding the unpleasant aspects of his nature,
as the scribe knows that his charming young lady
readers would like to see Mr. Geseign married
(wouldn't you, dears ?) or perhaps marry him them
selves it would have given us pleasure to force him
into the matrimonial state, had it been within the
limits of possibility. But it was not.

He who tells the most truth will make the greatest
number of enemies. But as the scribe happened to
have an ancestor who was a contemporary of Washing
ton, he has felt it his bounden duty to try and picture
nature in a natural state. As nature when in a natu-

456 ADIEU.

ral state tells harsh truths, he expects condemnation ;
but as he has been married, lie is hardened to criticism ;
besides, where the critics light, there is the carrion
also. The author is ready to prove by his own oath,
and by the oaths of any other married men who will
swear to a similar experience to his own, the truth of
the facts herein set forth.

Still Mr. Geseign, Mr. Oldbiegh and others cling to
the scribe, and bore him to death, and he cannot dispose
of them. Oh ! that they might one or both of them give
dignity to the termination of their history by a run
away match ! If Mr. Oldbiegh would only marry the
"two-forty widdyer, arter all ! " If the matrimonially
disposed mothers had only gotten their fish-hooks into
Mr. Geseign 's gills !

Mr. Oldbiegh and Mr. Geseign, together with the
other bachelors, still stand bowing and scraping and
shuffling at the front of the stage.

Ah ! we have it ! We will turn off the gas, and the
audience is left in the dark !

THE END

T, B. PETERSON ND BROTHERS' PUBLICATIONS,

igiT Orders solicited from Booksellers, Librarians, Canvassers, News

Agents, and all others in want of good and fast-selling

books, which will be supplied at very Low Bates. ,g$l

MRS. E. D. E. N. SOUTHWORTH'S FAMOUS WORKS.

Complete in forty-three, large duodecimo volumes, bound in morocco cloth, gilt bad*
price $1.50 each ; or $64.50 a set, each set is put up in a neat box.

Ishmael; or, In the Depths, being Self-Made; or, Out of Depths.... $1

Self-Raised; or, From the Depths. Sequel to " Ishmael."

The Mother-in-Law, $1 50; The Deserted Wife,

The Fatal Secret, 1 50i The Fortune Seeker,

How He Won Her,.

Fair Play,

The Spectre Lover,

Victor's Triumph,

A Beautiful Fiend,

The Artist's Love,

A Noble Lord,

Lost Heir of Linlithgow,.

Tried for her Life,

Cruel as the Grave,

The Maiden Widow,

The Family Doom,

The Bride's Fate,

The Changed Brides, ,

Fallen Pride, ,

The Widow's Son,

The Bride of Llewellyn,.

50 j The Bridal Eve,.

50 The Lost Heiress,

50 | The Two Sisters,

50 \ Lady of the Isle,

50 Prince of Darkness,

50 The Three Beauties,

50 j Vivia ; or the Secret of Power,

The Fatal Marriage, 1 50

Love's Labor Won,,

The Gipsy's Prophecy,

Retribution

The Christinas Guest,

Haunted Homestead,

Wife's Victory,

Allworth Abbey,

India ; Pearl of Pearl River,..

Curse of Clifton,

Discarded Daughter,

The Mystery of Dark Hollow,..

The Missing Bride ; or, Miriam, the Avenger

The Phantom Wedding; or, The Fall of the House of Flint, 1 50

Above are each bound in morocco cloth, price $1.50 each.
Self-Made ; or, Out of the Depths. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth.
Complete in two volumes, cloth, price $1.50 each, or $3.00 a set.

CAROLINE LEE HENTZ'S EXQUISITE BOOKS.

Complete in twelve large duodecimo volumes, bound in morocco cloth, gilt back,
price $1.50 each ; or $18.00 a set, each set is put up in a neat box.

Ernsst Linwood, $1 50 Love after Marriage, $1 50

The Planter's Northern Bride,.. 1 50 Eoline; or Magnolia Vale, 1 50

Courtship and Marriage, 1 50 j The Lost Daughter, 1 50

Rena;or, the Snow Bird, 1 50 I The Banished Son, 1 50

Marcus Warland, I 50 | Helen and Arthur, 1 50

Linda; or, the Young Pilot of the Belle Creole, 1 50

Robert Graham; the Sequel to "Linda; or Pilot of Belle Creole."... 1 50
Above are each bound in morocco cloth, price $1.50 each.

JS^~ Above Books will be sent, postage paid, on receipt of Eetail Price,
by T. B. Peterson & Brothers, Philadelphia, Pa. (1)

2 T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS' PUBLICATIONS.
MRS. ANN S. STEPHENS' FAVORITE NOVELS.

Complete in twenty-three large duodecimo volumes, bound in morocco cloth, gilt back,
price $1.50 each ; or $34.50 a set, each set is put up in a neat box.

Norston's Rest, $1 50

The Soldiers' Orphans,...

$1 50

Bertha's Engagement, 1 50

1 50

Bellehood and Bondage, 50

Silent Struggles,

1 50

The Old Countess . 50

The Rejected Wife,.

1 50

Lord Hope's Choice, 50

The Wife's Secret,

1 50

The Reigning Belle, 50

Mary Derwent,

1 50

Palaces and Prisons, 50

Fashion and Famine, ....

I 50

Married in Haste, 50

The Curse of Gold,

1 50

Wives and Widows . 50

Mabel's Mistake

1 50

Rubv Grav's Strategy 1 50

The Old Homestead....

.. 1 50

Doubly False, 1 50 j The Heiress, 1 50 | The Gold Brick,... 1 50

Above are each bound in morocco cloth, price $1.50 each.

MISS ELIZA A. DUPUY'S WONDERFUL BOOKS.

Complete in fourteen large duodecimo volumes, bound in morocco cloth, gilt back, price
$1.50 each; or $21.00 a set, each set is put up in a neat box.

A New Way to Win a Fortune $1 50 Why Did He Marry Her? Si 50

The Discarded Wife, 1 50 i Who Shall be Victor? 1 50

The Clandestine Marriage, 1 50

The Hidden Sin, 1 50

The Dethroned Heiress, 1 50

The Gipsy's Warning, 1 50

All For Love, 1 50

The Mysterious Guest, 1 50

Was He Guilty? 1 50

The Cancelled Will, 1 50

The Planter's Daughter, 1 50

Michael Rudolph, 1 50

Above are each bound in morocco cloth, price $1.50 each.

LIST OF THE BEST COOK BOOKS PUBLISHED.

Every housekeeper should possess at least one of the following Cook Books, as they
would save the price of it in a week's cooking.

Miss Leslie's Cook Book, a Complete Manual to Domestic Cookery

in all its Branches. Paper cover, $1 .00, or bound in cloth, $1 50

The Queen of the Kitchen : or, The Southern Cook Book. Con
taining 1007 Old Southern Family Receipts for Cooking,. ..Cloth, 1 50

Mrs. Hale's New Cook Book, '. Cloth, 1 50

Petersons' New Cook Book, Cloth, 1 50

Widdifield's New Cook Book, Cloth, 1 50

Mrs. Goodfellow's Cookery as it Should Be, Cloth, 1 50

The National Cook Book. By a Practical Housewife, Cloth, 1 50

The Young Wife's Cook Book, Cloth, 1 50

Miss Leslie's New Receipts for Cooking, Cloth, .1 50

Mrs. Hale's Receipts for the Million, Cloth, 1 50

The Family Save-All. By author of " National Cook Book," Cloth, 1 50
Francatelli's Modern Cook Book. With the most approved methods
of French, English, German, and Italian Cookery. With Sixty-
two Illustrations. One vol., 600 pages, bound in mrocco cloth, 5 00

^* Above Books will be sent, postage paid, on receipt of Retail Price,
by T. B. Peterson & Brothers, Philadelphia, Pa.

12 T, B, PETERSON & BROTHERS' PUBLICATIONS.

^* Orders solicited from Booksellers, Librarians, Canvassers, News

Agents, and all others in want of good and fast-selling

books, which will be supplied at very Low Rates. 4H

EMILE ZOLA'S NEW REALISTIC BOOKS.

Nana ! Sequel to L'Assommoir. By Entile Zola. Nana ! Price 75 cents

in paper cover, or $1.00 in morocco cloth, black and gold. Nana !
L'Assoinmoir; or, Nana's Mother. By Entile Zola. The Greatest Novel

ever printed. Price 75 cents in paper cover, or $1.00 in cloth.
The Joys of Life. P>y Entile Zola, author of " Nana," " Pot-Bouille," etc.

Price 75 cents in paper cover, or $1.25 in morocco cloth, black and gold.
The Ladies' Paradise ; or, The Bonheur des Dames. By Emile Zola, author

of " Nana." Paper cover, 75 cents; or $1.25 in cloth, black and gold.
Her Two Husbands; and Other Novelettes. By Emile Zola. Price 75

cents in paper cover, or $1.25 in morocco cloth, black and gold.
Pot-Bouille. By Em He Zola, author of "Nana." "Pot-Bouille." Price

75 cents in paper cover, or $1.25 in morocco cloth, black and gold.
Nana's Daughter. A Continuation of and Sequel to Emile Zola's Great

Realistic Novel of "Nana." Price 75 cents in paper, or $1.00 in cloth.
The Mysteries of the Court of Louis Napoleon. By Emile Zola. Price

75 cents in paper cover, or $1.25 in cloth, black and gold.
The Girl in Scarlet; or, the Loves of Silvgre and Miette. By Emile Zola.

Price 75 cents in paper cover, or $1.25 in cloth.
Albine; or, The Abb6's Temptation. (La Fatife De L'Abbe Mouret.) By

Emile Zola. Price 75 cents in paper, or $1.25 in cloth, black and gold.
La Belle Lisa; or, The Paris Market Girls. By Emile Zola. Price 7a

cents in paper cover, or $1.25 in morocco cloth, black arid gold.
He"lene, a Love Episode; or, Une Ptirje 1)' Amour. By Emile Zola,

Price 75 cents in paper cover, or $1.25 in cloth, black and gold.
A Mad Love; or The AbbS and His Court. % Emile Zola. Price 75

cents in paper cover, or $1.25 in cloth, black and gold.
Magdalen Ferat. By Emile Zola, author of " Nana," and " L'Assoin-

moir." Paper cover, 75 cents, or $1.25 in cloth, black and gold.
Claude's Confession. By Emile Zola, author of " Nana," " L'Assominoir,"

"Helene," etc. Price 75 cents in paper cover, or $1.25 in cloth.
The Mysteries of Marseilles. By Emile Zola, author of " Nana." Price

50 cents in paper cover, or $1.00 in cloth, black and gold.
In the Whirlpool. (La direc.) By Emile Zola, author of "Nana."

Paper cover, 75 cents; or $1.25 in cloth, black and gold.
Th6re"se Raquin. By Emile Zola, author of "Nana." Price 75 cents in

paper cover, or $1.00 in morocco cloth, black and gold.

ADOLPHE BELOT'S INGENIOUS NOVELS.

The Black Venus. By Adolplie Befot. Paper cover, 75 cents ; cloth, $1.00.
La Grande Florine. By Adolplie Belot. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.00.
The Stranglers of Paris. By Adotphe Belot. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.00.

All Books published by T. B. Peterson & Brothers, Philadelphia, Pa ,
will be sent to any one, postage paid, on receipt of Retail Price.

T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS' PUBLICATIONS. 13
PETERSONS' SQUARE 12mo. SERIES.

The following books are printed on tinted paper, and are issued in uniform
style, in square 12mo. form. Price 50 Cents in Paper, or $1.00 in Cloth.

Helen's Babies. Budge and Toddie. By John Habberton. With an
Illustrated Cover, and Portraits of "Budge" and " Toddie," and others.

Mrs. Mayburn's Twins. With the Mother's Trials in the Morning, After
noon and Evening. By John Habberton, author of "Helen',s Babies."

Bertha's Baby. Equal to " Helen's Babies." Bertha's Baby. With an
Illustrated Cover, and a Portrait of " Bertha's Baby " on it.

The Annals of a Baby. Baby's First Gifts. Naming 'the Baby. The
Baby's Party. Aunt Hannah, etc. By Mrs*. Sarah Bridges Stebbins.

Bessie's Six Lovers. With Her Reflections, Resolves, Coronation, and
Declaration of Love. A Charming Love Story. By Henry Peterson.

Two Kisses. A Bright and Snappy Love Story. By Hawley Smart.

Her Second Love. A Thrilling Life-like and Captivating Love Story.

A Parisian Romance. Octave Feuillet's New Book, just dramatized.

Fanchon, the Cricket ; or, La Petite Fadette. By George Sand.

Two Ways to Matrimony ; or, Is it Love? or, False Pride.

The Matchmaker. By Beatrice Reynolds. A Charming Love Story.

The Story of Elizabeth. By Miss Thackeray, daughter of W. M. Thackeray.

The Amours of Philippe ; or, Philippe's Love Affairs, by Octave Feuillet.

Sybil Brotherton. A Novel. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth.

Rancy Cottem's Courtship. By author of "Major Jones's Courtship."

Father Tom and the Pope; or, A Night at the Vatican. Illustrated.

A Woman's Mistake; or, Jacques de Trevanncs. A Charming Love Story.

The Days of Madame Pompadour. A Romance of the Reign of Louis XV.

The Little Countess. By Octave Feuillet, author of " Count De Camors."

The Red Hill Tragedy. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth.

The American L'Assommoir. A parody on Zola's " L'Assomrnoir."

Hyde Park Sketches. A very humorous and entertaining work.

Miss Margery's Roses. A Charming Love Story. By Robert C. Meyers.

Madeleine. A Charming Love Story. Jules Sandeau's Prize Novel.

Carmen. By Prosper Merimee. Book the Opp.rn was dramatized from.

That Girl of Mine. By the author of "That Lover of Mine."

That Lover of Mine. By the author of " That Girl of Mine."

PETERSONS' SQUARE 12mo. SERIES.

The Wife of Monte-Cristo. Continuation of " Count of Monte-Cristo."
The Son of Monte-Cristo. The Sequel to " The Wife of Monte-Cristo.'
Married Above Her. A Society Romance. By a Lady of New York.
The Man from Texas. A Powerful Western Romance, full of adventure.
Erring, Yet Noble. A Book of Women and for Women. By I. G. Reed.
The Fair Enchantress; or, How She Won Men's Hearts. By Miss Keller.

Above are in paper cover, price 75 cents each, or $1.25 each in cloth.
Harry Coverdale's Cwurtship and Marriage. Paper, 75 cts. ; cloth, $1.50.
Those Pretty St. George Girls. Paper cover, 75 cents, cloth, gilt, $1.00.
The Prairie Flower, and Leni-Leoti. Paper cover, 75 cents, cloth, $1.00.
Camille; or, The Fate of a Coquette. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, gilt, $1.25.
Vidocq ! The French Detective. Illustrated. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.00.

All Books published by T. B. Peterson & Brothers, Philadelphia, Pa.,
will be sent to any one, postage paid, on receipt of Retail Price,

14 T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS' PUBLICATIONS.
PETERSONS' SQUARE 12mo. SERIES.

Major Jones's Courtship. 21 Illustrations. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.00.
Major Jones's Georgia Scenes. 12 Illustrations. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.00.
Major Jones's Travels. 8 Illustrations. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.00.
Simon Suggs' Adventures. 10 Illustrations. Paper, 75 cts., cloth, $1.00.
Louisiana Swamp Doctor. 6 Illustrations. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.00.
The Initials. <A. Z.' By Baroness Tautphoeus. Paper, 75 cts., cloth, $1.25.
Indiana! A Love Story. By George Sand. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.00.
Monsieur, Madame, and the Baby. Paper cover, 75 cents, cloth, $1.00.
L'Evanggliste. By Alphonse Daudet. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.25.
The Duchesse Undine. By H. Penn Diltz. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.25.
The Hidden Record. By E. W. Blaisdell. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.25.
Consuelo. By George Sand. Paper cover, Price 75 cents; cloth, $1.00.
Countess of Rudolstadt. Sequel to Consuelo. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.00.
The Changed Brides. By Mrs. E. D. E. N. Southworth. Paper, 75 cts.
The Bride's Fate. By Mrs. K. D. E. N. Southworth. Paper, 75 cents.
Self-Raised; or, From the Depths. By Mrs. Southworth. Paper, 75 cts.
Ishmael; or, in the Depths. By Mrs. Southworth. Paper, 75 cents.
The Fatal Marriage. By Mrs. E. D. E. K Southworth. Paper, 75 cents.
The Bridal Eve; or, Rose Elmer. By Mrs. Southworth. Paper, 75 cents.
A Russian Princess. By Emmanuel Gonzales. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.00.
A Woman's Perils ; or, Driven from Home. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.25.
A Fascinating Woman. By Edmond Adam. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.25.
La Faustin. By Edmond de Goncourt. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.25.
Monsieur Le Ministre. By Jules Claretie. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.25.
Winning the Battle; or, One Girl in 10,000. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.25.
A Child of Israel. By Edouard Cadol. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.00.
The Exiles. The Russian ' Robinson Crusoe.' Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.00.
My Hero. A Love Story. By Mrs. Forrester. Paper, 75 cts., cloth, $1.00.
Paul Hart ; or, The Love of His Life. Paper cover, 75 cents, cloth, $1.25.
Mildred's Cadet; or, Hearts and Bell-Buttons. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.00.
Bellah. A Love Story. By Octave Feuillet. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.00.
Sabine's Falsehood. A Love Story. Paper, price 75 cents, cloth, $1.00.
Linda ; or, The Young Pilot of the Belle Creole. Paper, 75 cts., cloth, $1.25.
The Woman in Black. Illustrated Cover. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.00.
Madame Bovary. By Gustavo Flaubert. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.00.
The Count de Camors. By Octave Feuillet. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.25.
How She Won Him ! A Love Story. Paper cover, 75 cents, cloth, $1.25.
Angle's Fortune. By Andre" Theuriet. Paper cover, 75 cents, cloth, $1.25.
St. Maur ; or, An Earl's Wooing. Paper cover, price 75 cents, cloth, $1.25.
The Prince of Breffny. By Thomas P. May. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.50.
The Earl of Mayfield. By Thomas P. May. Paper, 75 cents, cloth, $1.00.

THE "COUNT OF MONTE-CRISTO SERIES."

The Count of Monte-Cristo. Illustrated. Paper cover, $1.00, cloth, $1.50.
Edmond Dantes. Sequel to " Monte-Cristo." Paper, 75 cts., cloth, $1.25.
The Countess of Monte-Cristo. Paper cover, $1.00, morocco cloth, $1.50.
The Wife of Monte-Cristo. Paper cover, 75 cents, morocco cloth, $1.25.
The Son of Monte-Cristo. Paper cover, 75 cents, morocco cloth, $1.25.

All Books published by T. B. Peterson & Brothers, Philadelphia, Pa.,
will be sent to any one, postage paid, on receipt of Retail Price.

T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS' PUBLICATIONS. 15
MRS. F. H. BURNETT'S NOVELLETTES.

Kathleen. A Love Story. By author of " That Lass o' Lowries."
Theo. A Love Story. By author of "Kathleen/' "Miss Crespigny/' etc.
Lindsay's Luck. A Love Story. By Mrs. Frances Hodgson Burnett.
Pretty Polly Pemberton. By author of " Kathleen/' " Theo/' etc.
A Quiet Life. By Mrs. Burnett, author of " That Lass o' Lowries."
Miss Crespigny. A Charming Love Story. By author of "Kathleen."
Jarl's Daughter and Other Novelettes. By Mrs. Burnett.

Above are in paper cover, price 50 cents each, or in cloth, at $1.00 each.

HENRY GREVILLE'S CHARMING NOVELS.

Dosia. A Russian Story. By Henry Greville, author of " Markof."
Marrying Off a Daughter. A Love Story. By Henry Greville.
Sylvie's Betrothed. A Charming Novel. By Henry Greville.
Philome'ne's Marriages. A Love Story. By Henry Greville.
Guy's Marriage; also Pretty Little Countess Zina. By Henry Greville.

Above are in paper cover, price 75 cents each, or in cloth, at $1.25 each.
The Trials of Raiissa. By Henry Greville, author of " Dosia."
The Princess Ogherof. A Love Story. By Henry Greville.

Above are in paper cover, price 75 cents each, or in cloth, at $1.00 each.
Mam'zelle Eugenie. A Russian Love Story. By Henry Greville.
Saveli's Expiation. A Powerful Novel. By Henry Greville.
Tania's Peril. A Russian Love Story. By Henry Greville.
Sonia. A Love Story. By Henry Greville, author of " Dosia."
Lucie Rodey. A Charming Society Novel. By Henry Grgville.
Bonne-Marie. A Tale of Normandy and Paris. By Henry Greville.
Xenie's Inheritance. A Tale of Russian Life. By Henry Greville.
Dournof. A Russian Story. By Henry Greville, author of "Dosia."
Gabrielle; or, The House of Maureze. By Henry Greville.
A Friend; or, " L'Ami." By Henry Greville, author of "Dosia."

Above are in paper cover, price 50 cents ench, or in cloth, at $1.00 each c
Markof, the Russian Violinist. Paper cover, 75 cents; cloth, $1.50.

BOOKS BY AUTHOR OF 'A HEART TWICE WON.'

A Heart Twice Won; or, Second Love. A Love Story. By Mrs. Eliza-

beth Van Loon. Morocco cloth, black and gold. Price $1.50.
Under the Willows; or, The Three Countesses. By Mrs. Elizabeth Van

Loon, author of "A Heart Twice Won." Cloth, and gold. Price $1.50.
The Shadow of Hampton Mead. A Charming Story. By Mrs. Elizabeth

Van Loon, author of "A Heart Twice Won." Cloth. Price $1.50.
The Mystery of Allanwold. A Thrilling Novel. By Mrs. Elizabeth Van

Loon, author of "A Heart Twice Won." Cloth, and gold. Price $1.50.
The Last Athenian. By Victor Rydberg. Translated from the Swedish.

Large 12mo. volume, near 600 pages, cloth, black and gold, price $1.75.
The Roman Traitor; or, The Days of Cicero, Cato, and Cataline. A Tale

of the Republic. By Henry William Herbert. Morocco cloth, price $1.75.
Francatelli's Modern Cook Book. The New Edition. With the most

approved methods of French, English, German, and Italian Cookery.

With 62 Illustrations. 600 pages, morocco cloth, price $5.00.

Ail Books published by T. B. Peterson & Brothers, Philadelphia, Pa.,
will be sent to any one, postage paid, on receipt of Retail Price.

MRS. SOUTHWORTH'S WORKS

BACH IS IN ONE LARGE DUODECIMO VOLUME, MOROCCO CLOTH, GILT BACK, PRICE $1.50 EACH
Copies of all OP any will be sent post-paid, to any place, on receipt of remittances.

fBHMAEL; or, IN THE DEPTHS. (Being "Self-Made; OP, Out of Depths.")
SELF-RAISED ; or, From the Depths. The Sequel to " Ishmael."
THE PHANTOM WEDDING; or, The Fall of the House of Flint.
THE "MOTHER-IN-LAW;" or, MARRIED IN HASTE.
THE MISSING BRIDE; or, MIRIAM, THE AVENGER.

VICTOR'S TRIUMPH. The Sequel to "A Beautiful Fiend."
A BEAUTIFUL FIEND; or, THROUGH THE FIRE.
THE LADY OF THE ISLE; or, THE ISLAND PRINCESS.
FAIR PLAY; or, BRITOMARTE, THE MAN-HATER,
HOW HE WON HER. The Sequel to "Fair Play."
THE CHANGED BRIDES; or, Winning Her Way.

THE BRIDE'S FATE. The Sequel to " The Changed Bride*.*
CRUEL AS THE GRAVE; or, Hallow Eve Mystery.
TRIED FOR HER LIFE. The Sequel to " Cruel as the Grave."
THE CHRISTMAS GUEST; or, The Crime and the Curse.
THE LOST HEIR OF LINLITHGOW; or, The Brothers.

A NOBLE LORD. The Sequel to " The Lost Heir of Linlithgow."
THE FAMILY DOOM; or, THE SIN OF A COUNTESS.
THE MAIDEN WIDOW. The Sequel to "The Family Doom."
THE GIPSY'S PROPHECY; or, The Bride of an Evening.
THE FORTUNE SEEKER; or, Astrea, The Bridal Day.

THE THREE BEAUTIES; or, SHANNONDALE.
FALLEN PRIDE; or, THE MOUNTAIN GIRL'S LOVE.
THE DISCARDED DAUGHTER; or, The Children of the Isle.
THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS; or, HICKORY HALL.
THE TWO SISTERS; or, Virginia and Magdalene.

THE FATAL MARRIAGE or, ORVILLE DEVILLE.
INDIA; or, THE PEARL OF PEARL RIVER. THE CURSE OF CLIFTON,

THE WIDOW'S SON; or, LEFT ALONE. THE WIFE'S VICTORY.

THE MYSTERY OF DARK HOLLOW. THE SPECTRE LOVER.

ALLWORTH ABBEY; or, EUDORA. THE ARTIST'S LOVE.

THE BRIDAL EVE; or, ROSE ELMER. THE FATAL SECRET.

VIVIA; or, THE SECRET OF POWER. LOVE'S LABOR WON.

THE HAUNTED HOMESTEAD. THE LOST HEIRESS.

BRIDE OF LLEWELLYN. THE DESERTED WIFE. RETRIBUTION.
!&* Mrs. Southworth's works will be found for sale by all first-class Booksellers.
&&* Copies of any one, or more of Mrs. Southworth's works, will be sent to any place,
90 onc*,per mail, post-paid, on remitting price of the ones wanted to the Publisher*,
T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS, Philadelphia, ?

SNOB PAPERS.

BY ADAIR WELCKER,

OF SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA.

Containing the Humorous Adventures of one
Jnnius Oldbiegh Amongst the Snobs.

" THE SNOB PAPERS," by Adair Welcker, is one of the merriest and most side-split
ting humorotis novels ever issued for the entertainment of the fun-loving public. The
reader -will laugh at the start and keep on laughing all the way through, for the bright,
breezy and clever romance is comicality itself. It is one whirl of ludicrous adventures,
some of which are also quite exciting and sensational, -while the action and- interest
know neither pause nor curb. The author has chosen San Francisco, Oakland and
the immediate vicinity as the field of operation for his exceedingly original, lifelike and
amusing characters, and they rush over the ground at a rapid rate, becoming involved
in comical complications at every turn. The hero, Junius Oldbiegh, an old Forty -Niner, is
fresh from the mines, where he has acquired fabulous wealth. The sole desire of his heart
is to become a snob and mingle with the elite. For this purpose he secures the services of
J^homas Geseign, a shrewd, observant and lively young man about town, who at once
proceeds to usher him into high society with many ludicrous results. Together they
see life under its most exciting and comical aspects, and the mimber of intensely droll
dilemmas in which Mr. Oldbiegh finds himself entangled is absolutely legion. Mr.
Geseign passes for an English lord and is the target for the arrows of numerous
matchmaking mammas with marriageable daughters, while Mr. OldbiegJi's riches
cause him to be sought after by several matrimonially inclined widows, who resort to
all kinds of ingenious schemes, wiles and traps to capture Jiim and his money. Mr.
Geseign, however, is his good genius, and is always on hand at the proper moment to
deliver him triumphantly from his captors. Strictly speaking, the novel has no
heroine, but several attractive and romantic young ladies are introduced, and their
love affairs, which generally culminate in elopements, are deeply tinged with both the
sensational and the comical. Mr. Geseign's wit and fun acquire additional effect from
his peculiar manner of speaking, and his philosophical discourses constitute one of the
drollest features of the book. All who relish hearty laughter should read " THE SNOB
PAPERS." It is an inexhaustible mine of fun and will delight everybody.

Paper Cover, 75 Cents. Morocco Cloth, Gilt and Black, $1.25.

SNOB PAPERS " will be found for sale by all Booksellers and at all News
Stands everywhere, or copies of it will be sent to any one, to any place, at once, post
paid, on remitting the price of the edition wished to the pitblishers,

T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS, Philadelphia, Pa.