SNOB PAPERS A HUMOROUS NOVEL. BY ADAIR WELOKER. SACKAMENTO, C-XTlFOKNIA. " THE SNOB PAPERS," by Adair Welcker, will cause more hearty laughter and genuine amusement than any novel that has been published for a long while. It is one mass of perfectly irresistible drollery throughout, and so many intensely comical incidents are crowded into it that there is no room for anything but mirth. The action takes place in San Francisco, Oakland and the neighboring country, and hosts of droll characters are introduced, among them several remarkably lively young ladies and some ladies of uncer tain age who are untiring fishers in the matrimonial sea. The hero is Junius Oldbiegh, a bluff old Forty-Niner, who has grown immensely rich at the mines and comes to San Francisco to mingle with the snobs and see life. He sees a tremendous amount of life, and through the efforts of designing females gets involved in many vastly amusing diffi culties, from which he is invariably rescued by Thomas Geseign, a spruce, quick-witted and comical young man about town, whose shrewd sayings, delivered in his peculiar style of speech, are of the most convulsing type. The snobs and dudes of San Francisco are mercilessly ridiculed, and from one end to the other the narrative rattles briskly on, always sprightly, comical and interesting. All who read " THE SNOB PAPERS " will hugely enjoy it. PHILADELPHIA: T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS; 306 CHESTNUT STREET. COPYRIGHT 11885. .A. 3D .A. I IR, "W IE TJ C 1C 6ACEAMENTO, CALIFORNIA. "SNOB PAPERS. 1 ' "THE SNOB PAPERS," by Adair Welcker, is full of the most roaring fun, and there is not a page over which the reader will not laugh in the heartiest fashion. The work is a novel on a thoroughly original plan and altogether unlike anything heretofore published. The scene is laid in San Francisco, Oakland and the surrounding country, and the characters are so thoroughly human that they will be understood and appreciated everywhere. The people of those cities will enjoy the many local hits. The httmor of the book is of the highest kind, which is not strained, for it is founded upon human nature itself. Junius Oldbiegh, an old Forty- Niner, having accumulated vast wealth at the mines, comes to San Fran cisco for the purpose of circulating among the snobs and being one of them. He there falls in with Thomas Geseign, a quick-witted young man about town possessed of a peculiar method of speech, and the twain become insepa rable. The traps that are laid to capture Mr. OldbiegJi or extort money from him, especially by designing females, bring about hosts of highly ludicrous complications, and there are wholesale exposures of San Fran cisco snobs and dudes replete with satirical humor. The book is without a heroine, but nevertheless numbers of young ladies, attractive, romantic and scheming, figure prominently in its pages and give zest and spice to the comical narrative. Everybody should read " THE SNOB PAPERS," for as a bright, breezy romance of excessive drollery it has no equal. CONTENTS. Chapter. Page. i. A MINER'S EVENTFUL BIDE 21 n. MR. OLDBIEGH'S FURTHER ADVENTURES . 63 in. MR. GESEIGN'S TRAGEDY 114 IV. CAPTAIN GRUNYON 131 V. A TOUR WITH MAJOR HAWKINS 149 VI. AFTER THE EDITOR 177 VII. A LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT 200 VIII. AN ELOPEMENT AND AN ARREST 241 ix. AT WOODWARD'S GARDENS 264 X. A CAT CONCERT 283 XI. THE RULES OF SOCIETY 297 XII. A YACHTING TRIP 316 XIII. A SNOB BALL 345 XIV. TWO THRILLING TALES 370 XV. A COUPLE OF SCHEMERS 395 XVI. A SNOB FUNERAL 410 XVII. THE BOARDING SCHOOL 435 XVIII. ADIEU 452 (19) SNOB PAPEKS. CHAPTER I. A MINER S EVENTFUL RIDE. IT was a bright morning and the warm sun was just rising and was casting its flood of beams over the hills back of Oakland, on the smooth blue surface of the bay of San Francisco, on the bald head of Goat Island bald as that of a married man on the shining windows of the houses on Alcatraz Island, on the ship ping, on the warehouses along the water-front, on the .city of San Francisco, and coming further to the west, its rays fell in a perfect blaze on the white front of one of the old-time decaying hotels on the north end of Kearney street a hotel that at one time had been a first-class house, but which had at last been given up to the poorer classes. A chambermaid, walking with a lively step along the rickety porch which ran in front of the second story of the building, with a green tin slop-pail in her liand, suddenly stopped and stood in a listening atti tude. Some one near her had broken out into a loud and heathenish " Haw ! haw ! haw ! " The girl looked to the right, but saw no one in a violent state of cachin- (21) 22 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. nation, and she was in the act of looking to the left, for such a person, when a sound of uncontrollable laughter was heard directly overhead. She looked up and saw a great round red face beam ing with smiles. It was evidently the face of a happy bachelor. The face was sunburnt and on each of the red cheeks were side-whiskers of auburn color, a nose, somewhat flat in the centre of the face, and two great round clear blue eyes were in the face, and these eyes were gazing directly at her with an intense stare. The girl was a new girl, and the idea struck her that for some inconceivable reason the man leaning out of the window overhead was laughing at her. A woman will often get angry under such circumstances. She glanced rapidly at her dress, which was tucked up by pins, above her ankles, and at her shoes, with the shoe strings dragging behind her ; at her brown calico dress, with half the buttons on her bosom unbuttoned ; and then she looked angrily at the face which was still glancing down at her from above, and said ferociously: "Is it me you are laughing at is it?" "Haw! haw! haw!" was the only reply which the bachelor conde scended to give. "Say, are you laughing at me?" said the girl, more angrily still. Another burst of laughter, and the gentleman, who was quite a stout gentleman, leaned further out of the window and glanced down upon the girl, with that sort of a look upon his face which is sometimes seen on the face 6f one person, who gazes at another while he is entirely oblivious of the presence of that other. "Do you suppose you know what you are?" said A MINER'S EVENTFUL HIDE. 2 o the girl, now in a violent state of passion ; " you're an old fool! You haven't got enough brains for a mus- quito! Oh ! you old baby's-face ! You've got a laugh for which you'd ought to be arrested ! I never see your like before, except when I see the monkeys at Woodward's; and there's where you ought to be exhibited with the other apes and baboons. There now!" When the angry, rattling tongue of the girl ceased its abuse, the gentleman above, seeming to recognize her presence for the first time, gazed at her in a long, serious stare ; and then, as if to keep some humorous idea out of his mind, he again broke out into loud guffaws, after which he mopped his perspiring fore head with a large red-bordered silk handkerchief, and wiped the tears from his eyes. " She's a widdyer ! " said he, " a reg'lar two-forty widdyer! A downright screamin' widdyer; a wid dyer! haw! haw!" He seemed intensely amused at the curious thought. " I'll show you what kind of a widow I am ! " said the girl, white in the face, as she took a rag from the pail, and squeezed the water out of it, after which she flung it at him with her full force. It missed his head and struck the window-pane, and the glass came tumb ling in shattered pieces about the girl, ringing as it struck the porch around her. "Curse you!" said the girl, but the head of the man she cursed was no longer to be seen, for he had withdrawn it with won derful rapidity into the room, and had not looked out since she had thrown the rag at him. 24 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. She went into a hall that opened upon a porch, the light shining upon her blonde hair as she went. The question may arise in the reader's mind was the hair real? The writer possesses no information on the sub ject. She turned out of this hallway into a dark pas sage at right angles to it; and just as she turned a stout gentleman in a white vest and a great brown coat, with enormous pockets in it; with one of the best-natured sunburnt faces in the world a face that proved that there was a big heart under the white vest and the same large light blue eyes, which proved him to be the same man who had been at the window up-stairs, caught sight of her as he came down the stairway from the story above. He followed after her, and when he turned around the corner into the dark passage-way, he found the girl there, holding her dress up to her eyes with both hands, sobbing. "Say, woht's the matter?" said he, putting his thick hand on her shoulder. " Matter enough," s*id the girl. " You insulted me; so go 'way, and leave me alone." 44 Old Junius Oldbiegh insulted you? Bluff old Junyers, who'd like to see himself shot dead as a dried mackerel before ever he insulted any woman ! No, no, little one, it aren't in him, and it couldn't be did, nohow ! " 44 And you made me break the window! " sobbed the girl ; 44 and it'll take my whole week's wages to pay for it, ter-hooh ! ter-hooh ! " 44 No, I guess not; not yet; not ef I know myself; danged ef it do!" said the gentleman, who had desig- A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 25 nated himself in a proud tone of voice as " old Junius Oldbiegh," and he slipped a twent}' dollar piece in the girl's hand. " So stop you? slobbering, now," said he. The girl looked at it. " Oh ! that's too much," said she. " Too much ! What a critter it are ! " said the gen. tleman. "Look a-here, young lady; look at me; do you know what I am? I'm a wealthy snob. I've struck it rich. I'm worth a solid million ; and I'm as big a snob for money as a monopolist ! Haw ! haw ! Funny, aren't it? I'm just like a twin brother to a bonanza king, since I've struck it rich, and I s'pose I'll have to have a residence on Nob Hill, and be a snob. But the widdyers is already arter it like a thou sand of wolves ; thick and thin ; a fightin', and a scratching and a screamin' for it; just a tusslin' and crowdin' in arter me ! The way they're arter me is astonishin' ; haw ! haw ! What a way they must love me ! One especially ! One very perticklerly ! he ! he!" The girl stared at him in astonishment, wondering whether he was what he represented himself to be, or whether he was mad and an escaped lunatic. " Where'd you get your money?" she asked. " I'm a miner, and I've been diggin' away at my mine for fifteen years and it's panned out big at last, and I've come to town to be a snob !" said he, his face beaming with smiles. " Don't I look as if I might make a first-rate snob?" " Well," said the girl, "if that's true, you better leave this house at once." 26 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. "Why?" asked the miner. " Because," said the girl, " it's filled full of thieves ! " ;< Thieves ! haw ! haw ! " roared the jolly gentleman, as he ran an arm into each of the deep pockets of his coat, and pulled out of one a bowie-knife and out of the other a pistol. " See them ? " said he. " Gaze at them ! Aren't they beauties ? I call the knife the 4 thief's inveterate disgust,' and this here pistol has a powder in it that kills thieves off. They can't stand the smell of it!" "The kind of thieves you've got to look out for," said the girl, "have to be fought with something be sides weapons like them. You better go to a first- class hotel." " What's this ? Ain't this an A No. 1, first-class, bang-up place to stop at?" " What ! this old rattle-trap ? " said the girl, with a smile. " No, it ain't." "Don't the nobs put up here? Don't the mining sharps and the corporation nobs put up at this she bang?" " No, they don't," said the girl, with something of sauciness in her tone. " Well, I'll be etarnally bobbed ! I've been took in by that queer chap with the yallar head ; haw ! haw ! He's as bad as bad as the widdyer what writ me the note only she ain't took me in yet. Not by a jugfull, haw ! haw ! " and Mr. Junius Oldbiegh broke into an intense fit of laughter, which was so violent at inter vals that nothing was heard but a rumbling sound under his great white damask vest like the sound which A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 27 sometimes goes before an earthquake, while the tears came from his jolly blue eyes and coursed rapidly down his nose. After he had partially recovered him self, he poked the girl playfully in the ribs with his great forefinger, while he inquired : "Are you a widdyer? A reg'lar two-forty widdyer ?" " Go 'way, you ugly old brute ! " said the chamber maid, with a smile, who, by the way, was quite a pretty chambermaid, with her blonde hair, her muscu lar arms and her rosy cheeks dressed, as she was, in her loose brown dress, her pretty feet peeping out from the unbuttoned shoes, with their red tassels on them. " How did you happen to get into this house ? " asked the girl. "Well, little one," said her companion, "you see it was just like this. I was walkin' away from the train on which I'd come to the city, with my blankets over my shoulder and a luggin' away at my verlise, when suddenly, before I know'd it, my verlise was out of my hand, and as queer a lookin' specimen as you ever see walkin' off with it, as though I'd made him a present of it. I let out one long whistle, and then I called to him, ' Look-e here, my son ! ' says I. He says nothin' but walked right along about four foot ahead of me, as stiff as a ghost which had been insulted by some body or other, I kept tuggin' arter him with my blankets, and then I sung out to him again. The critter commenced whistlin' 'Yankee Doodle' just like a fife between his teeth, but he never looked round and kept on whistlin' 'Yankee Doodle' and walkin' ahead of me stiff as a musical ghost. 4 Well ! ' 28 A MINER'S EVENTFUL HIDE. thinks I, gettin' mad, 4 ef Ms is the way they do busi ness in the city now-a-days, it just beats me, darned ef it don't ; I'll make a revolution,' thinks I, so I dropped my blankets, and the way I grabbed the young man by the back of the neck was astonishin', and I was just about to roll him in the mud at the edge of the sidewalk and give him a mud shower-bath, when he stopped whistlin' and he says, says he, ' My friend, go slow. Don't waste your energies. It's all right; don't fret yourself into a rage. I'm your friend and know'd you when you saved the gal's life by a heroic effort, at the fire in Virgin ny City, and dragged her by the hair of the head forty feet through the wild, roar ing flames! It's all right in the spring,' says he, wink- in' at me with his left eye. ' I've been a miner, too, old pard,' says he, ' and who ever heard of one 'miner going back on another? No man. A course they ain't; and if any fellow says he ever heard of such a thing, just let me know, and I'll polish his mug, black his eyes, bloody his nose and knock him clean out of time. But,' says this young feller, what was luggin' my verlise, 'joking aside,' says he, 'the man what rode down in the same seat with you aboard the cars, he says to me he wanted me to look out arter you and take you to the best hotel in town ; and bein' a runner for hotels, I'm agoin' to do it.' I never was in Virginny City arter all ; so when he spoke about Virginny City I know'd he was lyin' ; but the man what rode on the car with me did say he'd look out for me, and that made me think he was tellin' the truth, and had only throw'd in the Virginny City business as an extra; A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 29 and what he said about miners sort of made me unsus picious ; so when he said he'd take me to the most smash- in', bang-up hotel in town, I thought it was all right. Another thing that made me think it was all right was this. I ain't been in town for seventeen year, yes, and more, little one, and have lived in the mines all that time, and the mines are sort of rough, you know ; and this is the biggest house I've seen for many a year, though I s'pose from what you say ther' are bigger ones. Besides, everything looks kinder changed to me ; especially to see such a lot of women. The place is thick with 'em. Petticoats by the thousands scoot ing about in all directions. Besides this, when I' was cuttin' tobacco for my pipe yesterday, into a news paper, I asked a little fellow, who was sittin' alongside of me, what people was stoppin' at the hotel, and he took his pipe from between his teeth and he says, says he, ' Flood and O'Brine what owns all the mines, and Stanford and Crocker what owns the railroads, and Sharon,' says he, ' what owns the hotels.' So you see, little one, I thought it was all right. Well, I see you want to go on with your work, so I'll go down to the office and see if I've got any more letters." In a moment the broad back of Junius Oldbiegh was seen descending the stairway, and his heavy boots made his steps sound loudly as they came down one after another on the brass plates that covered the steps of the stairway. With a heavy, rolling walk, with which the large ness of the calves of his legs seemed to be in some manner connected, for they almost touched when he 30 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. was standing still, he strode up through the gate that opened .into the place where the clerk of the hotel stood. The clerk was standing in front of a black board on the wall, from innumerable nails in which hung brass keys. The old miner came up behind him and gave him such a slap on the back that the little clerk's pen dropped from behind his ear to the floor, while a cloud of dust came out of his gray woollen coat. The clerk, whose shoulder was aching with pain, turned around savagely, with the remark, " Who the deuce authorized you to come inside of this rail- ing?" " That's all right, my son," said the miner, with an extremely benevolent smile. " Ef you'll look on your bouks you'll find my board bill is paid up to date. Look for Junius Oldbiegh that ar's my handle. So I guess I'm one of the privileged characters in this yer house." " I'll show you pretty quick," said the little clerk, snarling under his blonde moustache. " Get out of here, and be lively about it; do you hear?" "Saw, boss! saw, boss!" said Mr. Junius Oldbiegh, as he stroked the back of the clerk, and spoke in that 1 soothing tone of voice which is so often used to drive away the angry passions of an angry milch co\v. " Saw, boss I " said the old fellow, grinning good- humoredly, " that ain't the way to talk to old Juny- ers ! " " Get out of here ! " said the irate clerk, seizing a pistol from under the counter, which he had no sooner touched than the old miner had grasped both of his A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 31 arras from behind, while he held him so firmly that no use could be made of his pistol by the clerk. " Now," said the person who bore the name of Old- biegh with such apparent pleasure to himself, "this is no jokin' matter, so don't make a fool of yourself, for I'm not the man to be fooled with ! If I hurt you, I didn't mean it ! Thar, now, ain't that fair enough ? " u Well," said the clerk, " seeing you've apologized, I'm willing- to let up on you; but if you hadn't apolo gized, I was so fearful mad, I'd blow'd a hole through you ! " " Come, boys," said the miner to the crowd which had gathered around the scene, " come up and drink the health of Mr. German." " Jarmyn," said the clerk, sharply. " Jarmyn," said the gentleman with the white vest. " Put it thar', Jarmyn," said he extending his hand as they walked up to the bar. " Shake on it, Jarmyn ; for, as ther' warn't nothiii' meant, no harm's done's the way I put it up." Quite a crowd of curious figures and curious faces were reflected in the mirror behind the bar ; and it was a beautiful sight to perceive the dignity and ease with which these many persons clinked their glasses, as the jolly miner asked the all-enthralling question "all set?" in a gruff voice; and then it was quite astonishing to note the grace with which these gentle men in perfect time performed the difficult feat of rais ing their glasses in the air, holding them all in the air long enough to gaze a moment with one eye at the yellow liquid, the other being closed, when their arms 32 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. in unison brought the glasses to their lips, when all, together, with one swallow, in perfect unison, at the same moment that their " Adam's apples " rose and fell, cast the liquid down their throats, and immedi ately afterwards it was discovered that the glasses were empty! It was a sight worthy of the paint, oils and crayons of an artist. And to a benevolent and philosophical mind, it was quite pleasing to see the good humor that immediately spread over the countenances of the persons there present. For the time being they were indeed made happy. And to such a mind it would have been quite delightful to notice the fact that what at one time appeared to be the opening of a dangerous quarrel had thus terminated in perfect peace and good feeling. In the course of time the little clerk became ex tremely friendly, indeed, and came up to Mr. Junius Oldbiegh, who was now sitting in one of those heavy arm-chairs, so often seen in third-class hotels, which are held together by twisted wires to prevent them from coming to pieces, when the guests tilt them back on their hind legs, while sitting in them, as Mr. Junius Oldbiegh was himself doing when the clerk came up to him. Mr. Oldbiegh, with a broad smile on his sunburnt features a smile which wrinkled up his features be neath his side chops, and almost reached his ears on either side of his face, was reading a letter. " What's set you off?" asked the clerk. " I've been a readin' this here letter from a widdyer, A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 33 and I've been tryin' to make out whether I'd ought to answer it or not, she bein' a widdyer." " Let me see it," said the clerk. " No yer don't ! " said the other, with a leer on his countenance, while he poked the clerk between the ribs with his thumb, a movement which seemed to be a favorite one with him. " A widder," said the clerk, playfully touching him in the ribs in return, for the clerk had since drinking his cocktail become very familiar and very friendly. " What's she up to ? " he asked. " Well, that's just what I'm arter tryin' to make out. In the first place, she says she's willin' to be my house keeper; and she says I must write an immediate answer to let her know whether to call on me. What's yer judgment on it?" " Write her to call on you, of course." " Do you think so ? " said the other, opening his great blue eyes in wonder. " Of course," said the clerk, " it's chivalry to do it." " It's chivalry," said the other, pondering for a moment, not knowing exactly what the term meant, but believing from the tone of voice of the clerk that it was the proper thing. " Waal, sir," said he, " that's what I am ; I'm chivalry from the socks up. Have you got a piece of paper and a pen what you'd be willin' to loan?" The clerk brought him several pieces of paper, a pen and ink, and placed them on a green covered table near a window for him. After drawing his chair backwards and forwards a few times, Junius Oldbiegh -r 34 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. attempted to answer the letter, but could not make up his mind how to commence. After scratching his head and going through other curious performances, to get up enthusiasm, he tilted his chair back, put his heavy boots on the top of the table, took out his pipe and lighted it, puffed rapidly several times, and re-read the letter, of which the following is a copy : "SAN FRANCISCO, BERMINGHAM HOUSE, ) R. 34, (left entrance.) ) "MR. JUNYERS HALBY. Deer Sur: How shall I cummens! Say? How shall I? Sens I see you fust (yisterday 7 a. m. three minits more or less), when I see you a gazin' out off the winder off the room were I suppos' you sleep, I was tuk all off a heap at fust sight, and my harte went ker-flipperty-flip, ker-flipperty- flop, all fer you. I see yer round fais as if though it would never stop smilin' and nothin' couldn't stop it fer nothin' never ! Wen I see you I was tuk of such a heap in my harte ! It was feelins of delite wen I see your red fais and round head, a smilin' all over ! Then I asked a dirty-faced boy wot was passin' who you be, an' he said you was Jay Guled. Then I learned, you need not ask me 'ow, you was a miner with a tremen- dyous bag off gold dust and a mind ! So I said to my- selve, I did, did I, he'll want a housekeeper, and miners like widders, which I am, I says, says I, and I says, says I, people does say I'm young and very harnsome, and if there's anything what miners does like, it's harn- someness in a woman, I says, says I, which I be. And, says I, my landlord wants to get my rent, but he don't A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 35 get a postage stamp, says I, (but that ain't no matter, as blood don't come from turnups), and I says every rich mining man has a housekeeper ! Be you married? It don't make no hods ; it's so with them. Anser awful quick. I'm perspiring dreadfully for an anser. " Yours affectionately, KATE BRUMLIN." After reading this note through for the tenth time, Mr. Junius Oldbiegh gazed sadly at a spider crawling down a web from the white painted boards of the ceil ing to the blue and red fly-specked tissue paper that hung around the gas-burner in the centre of the room, and then a sweet smile crept over his features, for an idea filled with encouragement had struck him. He would take a drink first, and then proceed. He sung out to the barkeeper, who was standing by the window with his hands beneath his white apron, gazing with intense delight out upon the street at a white boy and a China boy who were engaged in the unprofitable occupation of punching each other's heads; he sung out to this person to bring him a -whiskey straight. u That'll make the ideas flow like a man with a bull arter him," said he to himself. " That'll bring urn, or I'll eat my hat whole ! " But the rumbling of the wagons over the street and the intense interest with which the barkeeper watched the fight prevented him from being heard. " Billy ! " said a voice behind him, " bring the gen tleman what he calls for. Billy you monkey don't you hear? Bring it quick, strong and plenty of it!" On looking up, with an expression of astonishment, 36 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. Mr. Oldbeigh saw the man who had carried his valise. " Haw ! haw ! " he roared. " Hello, my son ! is that you?" " Part of me," said the young man, in a rapid tone, with a wink. " It looks just like me ; don't it? Don't tell anybody I said so, will you ? Ever see anything more natural to life ? Give us yer fin, Roxy. You look like yourself, too, very much. Strange, ain't it?" The gentleman addressed as Roxy, beaming with smiles, arose and shook the young man's hand heartily in his rough grasp. " Say ! " said the young man ; " hold up, when you've shook my arm out of the socket ; save the pieces ; for I consider them of great value. Bring enough for two, Billy," said he to the barkeeper, who was passing. " I drink," said he, to his companion, " though you'd never think it! I know I look like a young minister I I can't help it. My pa brought me up so, and it's too late to change ! " He drew a chair close to Mr. Oldbiegh and sat down with an impertinent look on his face which greatly amused the other. " Say ! " said the stout gentleman in the white waist coat, "what air you, anyhow?" "Me?" said the other, "I've been everything even a married man." " Are you married, arter all ? " asked his companion. " Just got done with my third wife. I married her when I was quite a child. I loved her. Intense bliss my soul full of poetry! Overflowing in my ardor. She ten years older than me. What a fairy creachuw A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 37 she seemed ! Oh ! dear ! my fond heart sit still ! I walked the streets like a maniac when she was cruel wept with delight when she would be kind. A long- legged parson for a fiver joined us for better and an awful sight worse ! Think of it ! For life ! I took her home, and while joining our lips in a moment of in tense bliss, her teeth fell out ! It took me quite by sur prise but I stood the shock, picked them up, and, with a sweet smile, handed them to her. Tried it again. Another kiss more bliss her hair fell off a bald nob was left. Taken by surprise again survived the shock. I was passionate those days ! Another kiss. Intense bliss! Two pads fell out of her bosom. Taken by surprise again. Quite so. I expostulated and told her to quit that sort of thing. I was furious, but mastered my fury, for I had taken her for life. I was young and passionate those days. Tried to kiss her again but she wouldn't let me ! Think of it ! I was furi ous. 'Old girl,' said I, 'this has gone too far. I thought I married you ? It seems not. I have mar ried a blonde wig, a set of false teeth and two pads what else, I cannot tell ! I have taken them for better or worse, 'till they are parted from me by death. Need I tell you I escaped got a divorce and went west." " Give us your fin," said his jolly companion, as soon as he could overcome the rumbling sounds beneath his vest. " Hand me your paw; I like your style." " And / like yours," said the young man, as he shook his hand heartily. " I'm glad it's mutual." The speaker was a man about twenty-four years of 38 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. age, and was dressed in what appeared to be a green velvet jacket, and in pantaloons with yellow stripes which ran down the legs. Hanging from his vest was a long brass chain which ran to the lower pockets in either side of the vest. His shoes were rough and mi blacked. His face, which was smooth-shaved, was so covered with freckles that his skin almost seemed yellow. His eyes, which were clear and bright, were of a light blue color, very similar to that of his large companion, but they were not as large as those of the other. His forehead was high, and his hair, which was light red, was as closely shingled as the hair on the head of a convict. On the table was lying his stiff, round hat, the front rim of which was broken, and for this reason he always wore it hind part before. On this hat was a band, and on this band in gilt letters, " Golden Chariot," the name of the hotel. The barkeeper now placed two glasses on the table, one of which was composed of steaming hot Scotch. Noticing the fact that the miner looked at it inquir ingly, the red-headed young man said : " My drink did I say whisky? Billy knows better. I take it always, though it's against my principles to drink." "You say you've been married," said the other, handing his letter to the young man. " There's some thing wrote to a friend of mine what'll puzzle a mar ried man, I think," and he began to puff his pipe as if there could be no doubt on the subject. The young man threw his heels upon the table, tilted his black chair back and read the letter. After reading the letter he said : ' Say! shall I tell you?" A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 39 "What?" said the other, as his large blue eyes beamed with good humor. " That friend of yours isn't good company for you. If you run with him you'll be corrupted, sure. He he's a sly dog. Take an old man's advice drop him." The rumbling beneath the spacious waistcoat com menced again. "But he wants me to answer it fur him, and," said he, scratching his head, " I'm darned ef I know how to begin. I'll swar I can't git her goin' nohow." " Easy, easy," said the young man. " Take a drink so. Ah ! my glass is empty." " Let's go and get a drink," said the other. ' Just call Billy; Billy will come willingly. Take your pen so. Take your paper so. San Francisco write it down." " How'd 'Frisco do?" said the other. "It sounds more like old times," said he, taking his pipe from his mouth. " It's more poetical," said the young man, and proves you're young. Slap her down 'Frisco. Is this the 9th ? Say, Billy, is this the 9th ? So it is. Down she goes. Catalina, my darling ! How's that?" " 'Twon't do; never do," said the other; "it's too familiar for a man who's come to town for awhile to see the sights and be a snob, a reglar snob ! haw ! haw!" His companion looked at him curiously. " Ah ! I see your go. Afraid to be bled; go slow; quite right, and I admire you for it. Just like me. I rode to the wedding of my second wife on the outside of a hearse. 40 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. I borrowed it from a friend for the auspicious occa sion. It chimed in beautifully with my natural mel ancholy. How's this? 4 Madam, your letter received.'" "That's the ticket," said the other; "you've started the wheels agoin' and my ideas is runnin' now. Give me the pen and let me plank down my thoughts." He took the pen between his great rough fingers, and with his mouth open and his eyes staring fixedly at the paper, wrote slowly, his pen sticking often in the paper and spattering the ink before it, as follows : " MADAM : Your letter received, in which you says you are a widd} 7 er, to keep me, while you are my housekeeper. No, you don't ! I aren't got no house, mum, for you to keep, I am sorry to say, for I always like to oblige any lady wotsoever. I'm an old Batch, Love, what is in a city for the fust time in sixtean year, and I'm as rough as a Grizzly Bar; and I'd frighten any widdyer to death all in no time at all ! "You say when you fust see me your harte went flipperty-flop and you was took all of a heap ! I'm very sorry to have been the disagreeable cause of this here and would advise a doctore." "How's that?" said he, turning to his companion. " Good. Add fresh air. Advise sea-baths and the mad whirl of society. That's the regular cure. I've tried it. When the sea water grew cold, too cold for me, then in my anguish an idea struck me. I put salt in the bath-tub, filled her full, put a potatoe in, and when it swam got in myself with the potatoe and A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 41 swam too. It cured me completely and saved me from a fourth wife. Fact, I assure you." Mr. Junius Oldbiegh continued his letter as follows: "Next. You say you made inquiries, mum, of a dirty-faced boy and other people, mum, about me, what told you I was a miner with a tremenders bag of gold. Yes, mum, it was correct. Right as a tricket. And when Pm in town, I'm goin' to get the latest style of clothes, get my boots polished, wear a dandy hat, hire a smash-up kerridge and be a snob ! " Next. You wish to know am I married. Not a bit on it! and never was; and a pard of mine once told me (he'd been to town) that all the women in town was in secret drivin' at a two-forty rate to catch hus- berns ! This I throw out for the benefit of widdyers, though I would not say a word to be unpolite to any woman, not I. " Next. You desire to call on me. My anser is He stopped. " What's your opinion?" said he, turn ing to his companion, who had been sitting with his head thrown back, watching the pretty chambermaid, who was polishing the brasses on the stairway which led down to the large waiting-room; and he had been still further amusing himself by smiling at her; and when he was unobserved by others, by throwing kisses at her ; whereupon she would glance at him angrily, and then he would drive this anger away by looking at her with all sorts of curious and ludicrous expressions on his face, which made her smile, in spite of herself. 42 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. At the moment he was spoken to, lie had his hat on the right side of his head, the rim over the right eye, while with a very solemn expression on his face, he stared at her with his left eye very steadily. This in duced her to look at him sternly for a moment, when an enchanting smile came over her pretty face, which she tried to conceal by turning around and rubbing the brass plates violently. "What's that?" said the young man. "Say it again, and say it slow; There's plent}^ of time. Go it now. I'm all ready.-" And he placed himself, with a comical expression on his freckled countenance, in a listening attitude. "How'dyou anser about lettin' her come to see me?" "Let her come. Tell her so. Be a chiv. The deuce take the consequences. The sweet first, the bitter afterwards. That's me. Things turn out how? You can't tell. Never as you expect them nothing does. And a man of brains pshaw! it's nothing gets out of all difficulties." "Well, marm, you may come, arter all," he added, and signed his name, Junius Oldbiegh. " Is that your name ? " said the young man. " Why, I know you like the book of Job. My father was a miner. He was and I came from where you was once. I'm Tommy Geseign, sometimes known as ragged Tom, the village scamp. I could be seen at all hours of the day running madly, running wild through the streets, my hair sticking through a hole in my hat, my shirt sticking through a rent in my trowsers. Myself, as I ran whistling innocently between two side teeth A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 43 a patriotic air. Oh ! how I suffah when I recall those innocent days! In those days my childish lungs softly drank in with delight the cowslip's sweet breath, the pansies' and daisies' the breath of the wild flowers. Ah ! how I robbed the nests of wild birds ; how I fished in streams of silver. How I loved on the greeii banks of the mountain'stream ; and when I kissed her how we struggled ! How she scratched ! Delightful days enchanting hours moments of bliss never to return. Dick Bad, the boy with the redwood heart, was my chum, and silly Tom, the ugly fiend. Those happy days ! never to return ! " His companion looked at him earnestly for some moments, and then as his round, sunburnt countenance broke out into a smile of recognition, he exclaimed : "Wy, bless my heart. It are Tom! And what a mischevyous young devil you used to be ! What a terror you was for robbin' orchards! I'd a thought you was in the state's prison long ago. Whar' you been all the time?" "Where? How?" said the other. "I've been everywhere under the sun. I was beaten across the Pacific before the mast, in the forecastle, by a mate with a club in his hand disagreeable ! The forecastle smelled like a fish-house. Cockroaches, big as horses, with sarcastic expressions on their upper lips. The butter walked around the table and wore a hairy mous tache. The sailors ate salt junk and the bugs dined on the sailors. Queer? Not at all. I'll bet they took the sailors for salt junk. "Back again. Was cuffed and buffeted by this cruel 44 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. world. Have been kicked and cuffed ever since. I seem to have been born for a foot-ball. Quite so. I've been darned hungry. Jaws in like a balloon col lapsed for want of grub. Grub ! grub ! how sweet the sound ! I learned how to starve. I know how now, so it comes easy. I've seen hard times. It teaches a man, though, an awful sight. So long, old boy; see you later," and he got up and went behind the stairway. His companion did not notice that Becky, for that was the name by which the chambermaid was called, had gone behind those steps but a moment before. He leaned back in the chair, looked abstractedly at the flies on the ceiling, after which he sighed heavily, re marked, " What a critter it are ! " and then put on his broad-brimmed hat, went to the office, put his letter in an envelope and gave it to the clerk, Mr. Jarmyn, who put it in the tin mail-box by his mahogany desk. Mr. Oldbiegh looked at the octagonal-shaped clock hang ing over the green office safe. It was half-past eleven. He walked down the broad stairway to Kearney street. It had been many years since he had been in 'Frisco, and everything seemed new to him. A mine upon which he had worked a number of years had proved to be very rich; and after selling out a part interest in it, he had concluded to return once more to city life for awhile. He was dressed in the best clothes he had, but he concluded that while in the city the thing to do was to dress in the best of fashion. There was a large store not far from the Bella Union Theatre. Hanging in A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 45 front of this store, swaying in the wind, were a num ber of articles of men's wearing materials, and in the show windows, on either side of the doorway, white and red shirts, different colored calico shirts, colored socks and cravats. And on wooden and wire figures, in front of the show-windows, and on the sidewalk, were men's suits. While he was standing before the store, gazing with open eyes at the goods displayed in front of him, a little man with a bald head and wiry black whiskers seized Mr. Oldbiegh by the vest and started to drag him into the store. "You vant a soohd? Veil, I haf cot a soohd. Sblendid materials, foine ardigles. Ladest sdyle. Oh! so foine ! So foine dey vas ! Dey mage your eyes vorter ! Dey vas sblendid, sblendid ! " The great broad-shouldered miner stood perfectly still and glanced down, with a look of astonished amusement, at the bald head of the little creature below him, who, while he continued to tug at his vest, continued to praise the goods in a mechanical see-saw tone of voice. The other waited for him to cease talking, and as he did not, he inquired good-humoredly, in his gruff yoice : " When was you wound up, and how long are you going to run?" " Vound up," said the little man, looking up. " A soohd, a be-youtiful soohd and it vas sheap ! oh ! so , sheap ! " "Well," said Mr. Oldbiegh, "let me see it; but I want the best style, the very latest." 46 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. " Of goarse you do ! A be-youtiful shentlemans I mean a beyoutiful soohd ! A foine and 'a handsome shentlemans ! You vant the very ladest, and from New York; and I'fe got it lader than any other house in down." He led the way into the back part of the store, where a gas jet was burning over a counter covered with clothes. " That ish ferry pad goods," said the merchant, feel ing the quality of the long-tailed brown coat which Mr. Oldbiegh wore. "Such goods I would not haf in my store! Oh! no! no! I nefar woohd ! and the pockets are too big ! Dry dem on ! " said he, hold ing out a pair of pantaloons. " Stand pehind the gounder and put dum on by der gaz-light you will find dum zo nize ! zo nize ! " Mr. Junius Oldbiegh did his best to get his large boots into the leg of the pantaloons, while the mer chant gazed abstractedly toward the street door; but it was impossible, and at last the pants were heard to rip. " Dake dum oud ! Dake dum oud ! quick ! " shrieked the little store-keeper, in an agonized tone of voice, as he hurried around behind the counter just in time to see the enormous dust-covered boot coming out of the pantaloons. " Cbotness cracious heafens ! " said the little man, as he gazed upon the boot which was about half as tall as he was himself. " What a poots ! what a poots ! " said he, holding up his hands with horror. "It would split a pants of sheet iron I Dake dum orf!" A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 47 The miner took off his boots and stood in his bare feet on the floor, for he wore no socks. The yellow gaslight fell upon his feet and showed them to be quite dirty. "What a dirty feed!" said the little store keeper, holding up his hands again. " Oh ! tear me, they will spoil my beyoutiful pands ! Pud dum on quick ! pud dum on quick ! " Mr. Oldbiegh, after a great deal of labor, succeeded in getting on the pants, which fitted him like gloves, except at the bottom, where the legs of the pantaloons bulged out like two minute lady's dresses, when held out by hoops. The pantaloons were also too tight around the legs. " Oh ! dey are beyoutiful ! so foine ! and dey fit you like der baper on der vail ! So foine ! Here is a prown coad, which will look so foine with dose gray drowsers. Pud it on ! pud it on ! Pud on der fest first ! Now der coad ! So foine ! so foine ! " said the little man, rubbing the coat tenderly with his hand. " Beyoutiful ! and fits you as der baper on der vail ! " Vork oud and see in the glass. See how foine you look in der ladest sdyle. Der coad was so foine its makes my moud vorter! Dake id orf! dake id orf! Dry on my foine shirds ladest sdyle." Mr. Oldbiegh took off his coat and vest and tried on some white shirts, which the little merchant held up. As soon as he had gotten one on, over his flannel shirt, he gazed upon himself in the mirror. The shirt was ready to rip, it fit him so tightly. The miner turned his back to the mirror and looked over his shoulder to see how it fit him behind. The tail of the shirt was so 48 A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. short that in bending his body it had come out of his pants. " Look here ! " said he to the little man, " this shirt aren't got no tail to it ! " " No dail ! no dail ! " shrieked the little man ; " do you want a chib to a man-of-war? Dot vas a peyouti- ful, peyoutiful dail ! So foine ! " " It aren't no more than three inches long, nohow," said the other. " Cootness cracious me ! " said the little man. "How long do you vont it, dot dail? You ton't vont it to sweep on the folore ! You ton'd vont it to hang down under your heels ? You ton'd vont a dail like the dail of a skoy rarket ? No, no, no, no ! Dot dail is in sdyle. For der ladest sdyle it is too long. One inch is vorn now by der President? Der ladest sdyle, so foine ! " After inducing his customer to take a dozen of what Mr. Oldbiegh termed " biled shirts," the store-keeper brought out some brown silk socks, with red stripes running down either side, and some blue socks with yellow stripes running around them; and after this some patent leather shoes, with a slick black surface and very large steel buckles on them, were sold to him. When he complained that the shoes were too small, the store-keeper rubbed his hands with glee : " No-o-o, no-o-o-o!" said he; "der sdyle is to haf dum fid, a good dide fid." Mr. Oldbiegh was completely fitted out when he had put on a high collar, which seemed ready to saw his side- whiskers off whenever he moved his head; and A MINER'S EVENTFUL RIDE. 49 when his head was crowned with a small helmet hat, a round hat with almost no brim, while surveying him self in the glass and while a smile played over his full cheeks and in his round blue eyes, Mr. Junius Old- biegh broke out in a soliloquy of which the following is a verbatim statement : " Thar' yer be, haw ! haw ! Well, I'll be darned ef I'd a know'd yer ef I'd met yer on the street darned ef I would ! And how them skin-tight pants do stand out at the bottom, like as ef my legs was stuck through the top of two steeples, haw ! haw ! All in the latest style, a coverin' my shoes clean out to the toes, darned ef they don't; and then that thar' coat, with its leetle bob-tails behind, and this yer hat all in the latest style, does fit me like a reg'lar snob, haw ! haw ! And then this yer collar, a sawin' my years clean off! Wy, w'at a snob I be ; so oncomfortable, too, like any othei snob, haw ! haw ! Wy, whar's ther pockets ? " said he, bending up his elbows, and feeling in the place where he thought the pockets ought to be. "It ain'd der sdyle ! It ain'd der sdyle ! " protested the merchant, as he rubbed his hands with glee. "Look-e yer, my little pard," said the other; "for sixteen year, when I worn't to work, I've carried my hands in my pockets, and I've grow'd too old to quit a doin' of it ! " "Let me dell yer! let me dell yer!" said the store keeper ; "feel in der hind part of der goat I feel dere ! teel dere ! " Mr. Oldbiegh felt in the four-inch tails of the coat and found two pockets. " Do I carry my hands i.i) 3 50 A MINER'S EVENTFUL EIDE. these yer?" he inquired, looking sternly at the little man for once. 44 Of goarse you do ! " said the little man, smiling an affirmative smile, "of goarse you do! So foine ! so foine ! Say ? " said he, suddenly, " will you sold dose old clothes?" " Sartainly," said the other. " Zay, how much?" asked the storekeeper. "How'dfive dollars do?" " Fife thalers ! fife thalers ! A man must li-i-i-ve ! A man must li-i-i-i-ve ! Fife thalers ! My wife woohd star-r-r-ve ! My wife woohd star-r-r-ve ! " " Four ! " said Mr. Oldbiegh. " Three and a kervorter ! Three and a kervorter ! " said the store-keeper. "Done!" said Mr. Oldbiegh. "Aren't that fair enough?" "Here's my card," said the store-keeper, as Mr. Oldbeigh started out. " Come akain ! come akain ! " Mr. Oldbiegh started toward Market street. He surveyed his lower garments constantly to the full extent permissible by his standing collar, but was very uneasy because he had no pockets in which to insert his hands. At last he inserted one of his large brown hands in the tail pocket of his coat, and the pocket was completely filled by it. Although the coat still hurt him under the arms and his shoes still hurt his feet, this eased him so much that the smile which usually hung on his features came back to its pi