I •ILLUSTMTED NEW YOR.K GHARLES SCRIBNEKS SONS A wf THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES i ^ I Said in Fun ^ •IlLUSTf!/IT£D NEW YORK CHARLES SCRIBNERS SONS 1889. Copyright, i88g, by Charles Scribner's Sons Press of J. J. tittle & Co., Astor Place, New Yurk. 616 *^* The jokes used in this book are taken from the periodicals of Messrs. Harper and 'Brothers, from "Life," from "Puck," from the New York "Sun," and frojn the New York "Times": the courtesy of the editors and managers of those papers is gratefully acknowledged. The history of the United States, left unfinished, has never before been printed. Philip Henry Welch knew that a joke, to be good, need cause no pain. No witticisms were ever wittier than his, none ever held less bitterness, left less sting. It was not hard to find these jokes, it was hard to choose them : more might easily have been taken, fewer could not well have been sele^ed. ROBERT GORDON BUTLER. November 2S, iSSg. CONTENTS Pag:e More than Likelv . . . i ILLUSTRATED BY W. A. ROGERS ' Safe Travel .... 2 ILLUSTRATED MY F. (1. ATTWOOD Appointment vs. Disappointment 5 ILLUSTRATED BY W. A. ROGERS The Trials of a Schoolmistress 4 Domestic Felicity Not a Cultured Taste Qtiickly Ended A Lovely Compliment ILLUSTRATED BY C. D. GIBSON AND W. A. ROGERS A Small Concession ILLUSTRATED BY A. B. FROST Keeping Within the Law . Share and Share Alike 5 3 3 6 8 A Tiiiielv Interruption An Artistic Drawing The Cost of an Education Page II . If II Rank Injustice . . . .12 ILLUSTRATED BY ]. A. MITCHELL A Wicked City ILLUSTRATED BY F. OPPER He TDeclined the Offer ILLUSTRATED BY "CHIP" Running for a Train . Proof Positive . A Tidy Housewife 10 A Sensible Tramp '4 . 16 18 . 18 18 • J9 10 A Sign that Means 'Business ig Paying Old Debts . 10 Winnino a Waaer . t9 Page A Column Article . . 20 ILLUSTRATED EV W. T. SMEDLEY /;/ Shallow Waters . . .22 ILLUSTRATED BY \V. L. SHEPPARD The Family Represented . 24 ILLUSTRATED BY C. G. BUSH Nothing is Perfect . . .26 To he Developed Later . . 26 Cruelty to Animals . . .26 A Hopeless Case . . . 2/ A Popular Sentiment . . 27 Fulfilling an Engagement . 27 Something of a Storm . . 28 ILLUSTRATED BY O. HERFORD Intimidation . . . . ^o She Could Read the Sign . . 50 Not a Direct Reference . }o Unfortunate Suggestion . . ji Trifling with the Word . )i A Poor fob . . . . ^i Unnecessary Page ■ 34 ILLUSTRATED BY E. W. KEMBLE No Time to Spare . . ^6 Helping the Cause . . .56 A Tender Heart ... 36 A Great Saving of Time . . 57 A Hopeful View of Things . 57 Inheriting Property . . . ^7 Not Much Strength Required ^8 ILLUSTRATED BY \V. P. SNYDER The Color of no Importance . 40 ILLUSTRATED BY '-CHIP" A Sudden TDeath . His Crowning Effort Credit versus Trust Summoning the Doctor Sufficiently Sober A Serious Charge Not to be Ignored II.I.IKIKA ri.D I'.V M. A. WOOl.K 42 4^ 4^ 43 43 43 44 A Pretty Compliment . . }) ILLUVrRATKI) BV ( . J. I AYLOK Welcome Stranger . . .46 ILLUSTRAIIJ) BY \V. A. KodKKS Page Favorable Condition for Hilarity 48 A Good Deal in a 'Name Economy is Wealth . . .48 Tit for Tat . . . .48 Defying Expert Testimony . . 49 A Conscientious Witness . 49 A Noble Woman . . .49 A 'Bargain in Art . . yO ILLUSTRATED BY A. P.. FROST Appropriate to the Occasion . 52 ILLUSTRATED BY C. D. GIBSON Putting it Delicately . . . ^4 Attended To ... 5^ A TDijfciilt Commission . . ^4 He Kneic He Was Rigl?t Time is Money . Page 59 59 39 His Ears Deceived Him . 60 ILLUSTRATED BY W. T. SMEDLEY. On the Island An Unforeseen Accident 62 62 A Yoiinor Woman's Taste . . 62 Recalling a Quotation . . 6? 'Better than a Stove . . .6} Taking Notes for a 'Book . 6j Troubled with Insomnia . . 64 ILLUSTRATED BY E. \V. KEMBLE A TDifficiilt Literary Performance 55 A Necessary Caution . . ^5 Not the First Time . . ^^ Imposing upon the Poor . . 56 ILLUSTRATED BY \V. A. ROGERS /;/ the Catskills. ... 55 A Young Man's Cupidity . 66 ILLUSTRATED BY \V. A. ROGERS A Possible Catastrophe . . 68 Easily Identified . . . 68 Everything First Class . . 68 A 'Brace of Compliments . 6g A Chilly Evening 5S Accounted For . . . . 6g He Can't Get justice 55 Contempt of Court 6g Page Reading Maketh a Full Man . 6g The Reason Why Lovers of Base Ball ILLUSTRATED BY M. A. WOOLF A Sufficient Reason Almost Forgotten Him Starting in Right Proof Recaptured better than Nothing JO Thoroughly Prepared J2 y2 J2 7i 75 An Eye to Economy . . 7^ ILLUSTRATED BY S. NY. VAN SHAICK Wasteful . A War ^Reminiscence . The Nature of an Oath Page ■ 76 76 • 77 77 ■ 7S ILLUSTRATED BY W. L. SHEPPARD 73 An Evening's Pleasure Spoiled 80 ILLUSTRATED BY A. E. STERNER Logical 82 ILLUSTRATED BY W. A. ROGERS ?, UNNECESSARY. COLONEL B. (sojourning in Paris)— What is the proper French expression to be used in accepting an invitation to drink ? M. Cobalt — You should say " Avec plaisir," Monsieur le Colonel. Colonel B. — Ah, " Avec plaisir." All right! M. Cobalt— And when you decline an invitation you should say, " Non, merci." Colonel B. — Oh, that wouldn't be of any use to me. 34 / ^Z///- 35 NO TIME TO SPARE. GENTLEMAN— Uncle Rastus. Eve got a job of white- washing for you. Uncle Rastus — Well. 1 kain"t do hit terday. sah. Gentleman — What's the matter. I thougiit vou were anxious for work. Uncle Rastus— So I is, sah. But yo' see. boss, de Colored Workin'men's Amalgumated 'Sociashun fo' de pertecshun ob de laborin" man frum de encroachments an' inroads ob cap'talists meets terday, an" Ese ben "lected cha'rman ob de occashun. So, yo' see. boss. 1 hain't got no time to spa'r. HELPING THE CAUSE. They were trying to raise money to pay off the indebted- ness of the church. Deacon — Have you called on old Mr. Moneybags yet ? Minister — No. He is very sick, and 1 thought 1 would wait until he gets better. Deacon (earnestly)— Don't you wait a minute. Strike him while he is very sick, it will be too late wh.en he gets better. A TENDER HEART. Young Lady — And so you've really been off on a whaling voyage, Mr. Hardyman ? Mk. Hardyman— Yes. Young Lady— How delightful! 1 am passionate!) loud of fishing, t(^o, but 1 feel sorry, sometimes, for the poor little helpless, wriggling things, it seems so cruel. 36 A GREAT SAVING OF TIME. GFNTLFMAN (to popular photo.i^rapher) — Do you take plioto,i>raphs by the instantaneous process? Photographkr — Oh, yes, sir, or any process. Ghntleman— Well, 1 want about half a dozen cabinets of my- self, and as I'm in something of a hurry, you may use the instantaneous process. Photographer — Very well, sir. Just take a seat in the parlor. Your turn will come in about three hours. A HOPEFUL VIEVv^ OF THINGS. Friend (to young author) — How are you succeeding in your literary work ? Young Author (hopefully)— Well, comparatively speaking, 1 am doing well. Friend — What is "comparatively speaking?'" Young Author — One of the greatest modern writers wrote for twenty years before he had a single MS. accepted. 1 have only been writing Five years. Compared with him, I Hatter myself I am doing well. INHERITING PROPERTY. Father (out of patience) — If you ask any more foolish ques- tions, Bobby, I shall send you to bed. Bobby (after a long silence) — Pa, when a man dies worth ten thousand dollars, his heirs get the money, don't they ? Father — Yes. Bobby (after another long silence)— Well, pa, when a trotting horse dies worth ten thousand dollars, who gets the money ? Father (angrily )— You get to bed. 37 NOT MUCH STRHNGTH REQUIRED. L\DY — Hammocks, please. / Dealer— Yes'm ; something strong enough for two ? Lady — No: strong enough for one. Tve been married three months. 38 o-^y 39 THE COLOR OF NO IMPORTANCE. GROCER— Half n pound of tea? Which will you have, black or green ? Shrvant— Shure, aythur will do. It's for an ould woman that's nearly bloind. 40 _^:r^. '— ■ ■ - — ')^ — v.-—- r 1^ A. jj|||ii.i^f.:^,fj use §r CHE Ed E ^^ TEL LY. 41 A SUDDEN DEATH. KENTUCKY CORONER— Yes. the papers found upon the deceased prove that he was Colonel Blood. Witness— There was also a quart bottle found in one of his pockets. Coroner — Was the bottle empty ? Witness — No. sir, it was full— hadn't been touched. Coroner — Poor fellow, he must have died without a moment's warnini<. HIS CROWNING EFFORT. ''Lionel, that poem is beautiful ! " "Yes, Agatha, it is the crowning effort of my life." " Lionel— my Lionel I it will bring you fame, eternal fame, will it not ? '' '■ Yes, Agatha — and perhaps two dollars." CREDIT VERSUS TRUST. Grocer— So you've given up drinking. Uncle Rastus ? Uncle Rastus — Yes, sah. 1 hain't touched er drap in fo' weeks. Grocer — You deserve a great deal of credit. Uncle Rastus— Yes, sah. That's jes \vh;it 1 se/, an' 1 was gwine ter ask yo', Mistah Smif, ef yo' cud trus' me to er ham ? 42 SUMMONING THK DOCTOR. DOCTOR/' said an anxious citizen, "something has hap- pened to my wile. Her mouth seems set. and she can't say a word." "Why, she must have lockjaw," said the doctor. "Do you think so? Well, if you're up my way sometime next week, 1 wish you would stop in and see what you can do for her." SUFFICIHNTLY SOBRR. " Do you allow drunken people on the train ?" asked an old man at the City Hall elevated station. "Sometimes, but not when they're too drunk." replied the brakeman. "Just take a seat near the middle of the car and keep quiet and you'll be all riii^ht." A SERIOUS CHARGE. Magistrate — You are charged with misdemeanor, Uncle Rastus. Uncle Rastus (m alarm) — Wif Miss who, yc/ Honah ? Magistate— Misdemeanor. Uncle Rastus — ^Jedge, 1 solumly sw'ar da hain't no lady in dis case whatsumebber. Deed da hain't. 43 NOT TO BE IGNORED. BIG SISTER (shouting to Bobby)— Bah-bee ! You are wanted to do an errand ! Bobby (shouting back) — Tell mother 1 cant do it now. I'm busy. Bi(} Sister — Its ncjt mother wants you ; its lather. Bobby (hastily) — All right. Tell him Ell be there in a minute. 44 .',//,;'/ 1 1 :i/^ /////// 45 WELCOME STRANGER. IT fills ni>' heart with joy," said an earnest countr)' cler^^y- iiian at the conclusion of his sermon, ''to see so many stran,((ers amon.s^ our congregation on this beautiful Sablxith morning. Sojourners in our town are always welcome. We want them to come. Young men and old men whom pleas- ure or business has called away from the softening influences of home, we greet with open hearts. The collection will now be taken up." 46 47 FAVORABLE CONDITION FOR HILARITY. THH first time I heard that story," said Dumley, " 1 thought 1 would die o" laughing. But I can't see very mucli in it now." ''When did you hear it first," he was asked. "One night when I was sitting up with a corpse. I thought I would waken the whole neighborhood before I got through. But anything," he added, "sounds funny when you are sitting up with a corpse." ECONOMY IS WEALTH. Lady (to grocer) — I notice you keep cigars. Grocer — Yes, mum. Only a dollar and a half a box, mum. Lady — Is it possible? Why my husband sometimes pays as high as fifteen cents apiece for cigars. You can send a couble of boxes. It's the height of folly for him to buy cigars at retail when they can be had for so much less by the box. TIT FOR TAT. Visitor (in private art gallery) — I do not see. Mr. Pourke. that the Cjerman school of art is represented among your col- lection. Mr. Pourkh (a Chicago capitalist)— No, sir. Bismarck re- fuses to t;ikc my hogs. I want none ol his art. 48 DKFYING HXPHRT TKSTIMONY. CIJFNT (to lawyer) 1 iiin afmid the physician's testimony will convict nie. Lawyhr (reassLirin,i(ly) — Don't be alarmed about that. I'll read up a little about poison in the stomach, and in ten min- utes ril have that doctor in a cold sweat, and make the jud,^'e and jury think he is a hired perjurer. A CONSCIENTIOUS WITNESS. Counsel (to witness) — The previous witness swore that when found he was breathing like a porpoise. Witness — 1 dunno 'bout dat, sah. Counsel — You were present ? Witness— Yes, sah. Counsel — Examined him thoroughly ? Witness — Yes, sah. I zamined him keerfully. Counsel — ^And yet you will not swear that he was breathing like a porpoise ? Witness— No, sah. Counsel — You will state to the Court why. Witness — Cos 1 nebber heard a po'poise breave, sah. A NOBLE WOMAN. Second Husband (to wife)— Are you as fond of me as you were of your first husband, dear ? Wife — Yes, indeed ; and if you were to die, John, 1 should be just as fond of my third. I'm not a woman to marry for anything but love. 49 A BARGAIN IN ART. OLD MR. BENTLEY brought home a painting which he exhibited to his wife witli great pride. "There ! '' he said, "what do you think o" that ? Cost only $1, frame an" all, an' its a genooine — genooine — "" " Rubbins ? "' suggested old Mrs. Bentley. "No, tain't Rubbins. H'm, begins with a C — chronio ; thats it — a genooine chromo.'' 50 51 APPROPRIATE TO THH OCCASION. FEATHKRLY is something of a musician, and was attend- ing an evening party given in lionor of tlie eldest daughter of the family. 'T should be glad if you would sing something, Mr. Featherly," said the hostess. "Certainly, my dear madam. Will you suggest a song ? " "Oh, anything that is appropriate to the occasion. I will leave the selection with you." So Featherly, with that rare tact and discrimination for which he is S(; justly popular in societ\', sat down at the piano and sang " Backward, Turn Backward, O Time, in thy Flight." 52 I PUTTING IT DELICATELY. HOPE you appreciate the fact, sir, that in marrying my daughter you marry a large-hearted, generous girl.'" "I do, sir (with emotion) : and I hope she inherits those qualities from her father." ATTENDED TO. Smith (to milkman)— Lll have to ask you to chalk it up. Milkman (abstractedly)— Oh thafs all been attended to — oh — er — beg your pardon ; certainly, take your own time. A DIFFICULT COMMISSION. Lady — You know, sir, I wish my portrait to be a total surprise for my husband. Artist — Yes, madame, I understand. Lady — And you will try not to have too strong a likeness, as 1 should not wish him to recognize it at the first glance. 54 A DIFFICULT LITFRARY PFRFORMANCF. WOUNG AUTHOR (to friend^— I say. Fred, did you read 1 my last article in the Every Other Moiitblv? Friend (enthusiastically — Yes, indeed, old boy : I read it through twice ! Young Author — Oh, then you must have found it very inter- esting ? Friend — Well — er — no, not so much that : but Ferd Smith bet me ten dollars that 1 couldn't read it through twice, and 1 bet him ten dollars that I could. A NFCFSSARY CAUTION. '' Remember, Uncle Rastus," cautioned the magistrate, ''that you are not compelled to disclose anything which may criminate yourself/' " Den 1 reckon 111 keep my mouf shet. Judge," was the wise reply. NOT THF FIRST TIME. "Was it the girl's father who broke off the engagement?-'"' inquired Jenkins. " No," replied the jilted lover, " it was her little brother." 55 IMPOSING UPON THE POOR. IT all comes o" bein" poor." said an old lady, trembling with indignation, to her sick husband. " I jist stopped in a minnit at the Riches to tell em as how you wasn't gittin' any better, and Mrs. Rich sed she was sorry, and wanted me to bring you a bottle of wine." " Did you bring it ?" asked the sick man eagerly. " No ; 1 heard her say it had been layin' down in the cellar ever sence i8ss, an' when she offered it to me 1 iist walked off without savin' a word."' 56 57 A* IN THE CATSKILLS. NXIOUS SISTER— Oh, mamma, call Freddy, or he will tumble off into the view ! A CHILLY EVENING. Unwelcome Suitor — That's a lovely song! It always carries me away. She— If I had known how much pleasure it could give us both, I would have sung it earlier in the evening. He was from Philadelphia, and it was not until the next morning, in the train, that he "caught on,'' and his heart grew sick as he viewed the kindly hint in the light of subse- quent events. HE CAN'T GET JUSTICE. Prisoner (to his lawyer) — Do you think I shall have iustice shown me ? Lawyer — I'm afraid you won't. You see I've managed to get two men on the jury who are opposed to capital punish- ment. 58 A GOOD DFAL IN A NAMH. HOW is your new gns-metre comiiiK on. Jones— is it a success ? " ■'No, it's :i failure ; I can't get anybody to touch it." " What seems to be the trouble ?" " I was unfortunate in selecting a name for it : I must have been a fool ! " "What do you call it?" " "The Busy Bee.'" HE KNKW HE WAS RIGHT. Young Hopeful — Papa, the prefix "trans'" means across, doesn't it ? Old Hopeful (delightedly) — Yes, my son ; as in transatlantic, which means across the Atlantic. Young Hopeful — Well, then, transparent means a cross parent, doesn't it ? TIME IS MONEY. Magistrate — Ten dollars or ten days. Uncle Rastus ? Uncle Rastus (after long thought) — Well, I guess Ell take the ten dollars. 59 HIS EARS DECHIVED HIM. FEATHERLY (making- an evenin.^- call) — So your mother has returned from the country, Miss Clara ? Miss Clara — Oh, no ; she woii't be back until next week. Eeatherly (surprised) — Strange ! Is not that her voice 1 hear upstairs? Miss Clara (in a constrained tone) — No ; that is Bobby at work with his new scroll saw. 60 ' i' 6i ON THE ISLAND. VISITOR (at BlackwelTs Island) — Well, my poor woman, what brought yoLi here ? Woman — De Brack Maria, sah, an' de ferry bo"t. Visitor — Yes, I understand. But what are you in for ? Woman — Ise in fo' ten days, sah. AN UNFORESEEN ACCIDENT. "Yes,"' sighed a recent widow, "we are very unfortunate. Poor John was out of work a long time, and when he got a good job he died." " What job did he get ? "" she was asked. '* He joined a circus, and got twenty dollars a week for put- ting his head in the lion's mouth twice a day. That's all he had to do. It seems hard he should have died." •• What did he die of? " "The lion bit his head off." A YOUNC WOMAN'S TASTE. Mrs. Bunker (of Boston)— I think Miss Waldo was the most perfectly dressed woman in the room. Mrs. Emhrson — She has exejuisite taste. Did she wear jewelry ? Mrs. Bunkkr — Spectacles only. 62 Y RHCALLING A QUOTATION. OUNG FEATHFRLY-Do you recall that quotation, Miss Waldo, be,<(iniiinK : "No pent up— no pent up — pent up Ithaca contracts " Miss Waldo — '' Pent up Utica," 1 think, Mr. Featherly. Young Feathkrly— Ah, yes, Utica ; thanks. 1 knew it was some town in central New York. BFTTFR THAN A STOVF. '' Madam," said a shivering tramp, '' w— will y — you give a p — poor fellow a ch— chance to get w— warm ?"" " Certainly," replied the woman kindly ; "you can carry in that ton of coal ; but don't burn yourself."' TAKING NOTFS FOR A BOOK. An Englishman had been in this country only five minutes when out came his note book. "The national extravagance," he jotted down, "is strongly illustrated by the fact that even the bootblacks wear gold rings in their ears." 63 TROUBLED WITH INSOMNIA. GENTLEMAN— You look tired and worn out, Uncle Rastus. Uncle Rastus — Yes, sah, I is. I doan" git no sleep. Gentleman — No sleep ? Uncle Rastus— No, sah. Dis darky can't git no sleep in de watermillion season. 64 65 A YOUNG MAN'S CUPIDITY. FATHER — Are you sure that Featherly loves you ? Perhaps he wants to marry you for your money. D.AUGHTER (an heiress) — Yes, I am sure he loves me, papa. He swears that he has worshipped me from the tlrst moment that he saw me. Father — Where did he first see you ? DAUGHTER^At Coney Island. Father — Were you dressed in a bathin.o- suit? Daughter— Yes. Father — My fears are realized. He is after your money. 66 A'-^-l' 67 A POSSIBLE CATASTROPHE. MY dear." said a frightened husband in tlie middle of the night, shaking his wife, ''where did you put that bottle of strychnine ?"" "On the shelf next to the peppermint." " Oh. Lord ! "" he groaned, " I've swallowed it."" 1/ "Well, for goodness" sake,*" whispered his wife, "keep quiet, or you"ll wake the baby."" EASILY IDENTIFIED. Coroner — I have just held an inquest over the body of a man found drowned, but we are unable to identify him. Citizen— It may be Jack Short. He has been missing for a week. Coroner — You knew Short, did you ? Citizen — Knew him well. Coroner — Would you be able to identify him, do \'ou think ? Citizen— Oh, yes: easilw He had an inipeeliment in his speech. EVERYTHING FIRST CLASS. Mrs. Moloney (to postal clerk) — How much will it cost to send that newspaper ? Postal Clerk — One cent, madam, second class. Mrs. Moioney — Well, then give me a two-cent stamp, and 111 send it first class. 68 A BRACE OF COMIMJMHNTS. BOBBY (to youn,i{ Featherly) — Pa was telling ma and Clara last night that you told him yoii believed in paying as you go, Mr. Featherly, and ma thought you were a very sensible young man. Featherly (highly gratified)— And what did your sister Clara think, Bobby ? Bobby — She didn't think you could go very far. ACCOUNTED FOR. She — 1 am sorry your sister is not here, Mr. Blunt. Mr. Blunt — She didn't feel quite able. She went to the cooking school this morning, and you know after the girls get through cooking they have to eat what they've made. CONTEMPT OF COURT. Ignorance of the law excuses no one but a judge. 'When he doesn't know his business, a higher court straightens mat- ters out. READING MAKETH A FULL MAN. A medical journal says we must not read on an empty stomach. We suppose we can read the bill of fare. 69 LOVERS OF BASE BALL LITTLE BOY (near the Polo grounds)— Hey ! Johniiw was y dey a big awjence at de game terday ? Johnny (who observed the game through a knot hole) — 'Bout two tousand. LiTTi.H Boy (incredulous) — Must have been more 'n that. Johnny— Dye mean cops an' all ? LiTTLK Boy — Yes. Johnny — 'Bout tree tousand, 1 guess. 70 71 A SUFFICIENT REASON. VISITOR from out of town (addressing the school) — hi the year 1825, my dear young friends, several boys walked from Salem to Boston and back, a distance of thirty miles, to hear Daniel Webster speak. If there were no railroads or means of transportation to-day, would the boys of the present generation undertake such a journey, do you think ? Small Boy (after a long silence) — No, sir. Visitor — Ah I and why ? Small Boy — Because Mr. Webster is dead. ALMOST FORGOTTEN HIM. Magistrate — Ever been arrested before ? Prisoner— No, sah. Magistrate — Didn't 1 send you to the Island last winter for ten days ? Prisoner — 1 declar's to goodness, now 1 looks at yo', Jedge, 1 b'lieves yo' did. But Ise a poo' ban" to 'member laces. STARTlNCi IN RK^.HT. Smith — 1 want to bring a suit against Jones for libel. Lawyer — Has Jones libelled you ? Smith— He has all but ruined my character. Lawyer — How much do xou want to sue him lor f Smith— Five hundred dollars. 1 don't suppose a jur\- will award that much, but its better to start at the maximum. 72 PROOF. UNCLK RASTUS-Tse williii" ter "kiiowledi^e dat 1 stole de ham, sah, but dar am exteiuiaratin' sahciimstances keriiected wid de case, sah. 1 was 'toxicated, sah, an" didn't know nolTen what I was "bout. Mr. X— 1 don't believe you were intoxicated, Uncle Rastus. Uncle Rastus — "Deed 1 was : 1 kin prove it. If I hadn't been drunk dat night, you" honah, I'd a toted off moan one ham. RECAPTURED. MisTRHSs (to applicant for service) — How many nights out a week ? Applicant — None, mum. Oi niver sthir out. Mistress — Will you have many friends to see you ? Applicant — Nat wan, mum. Oi have no friends. Mistress — What wages will you expect ':" Applicant -Oi'll lave that to ye, muuL Mistress — What kinds of housework are you willing for ? Applicant— Oi"m wullin' to wash an" airun an" cook an' schrub an' clane windys an" wait on table an' take care av childer an' carry in coal an" build foires— (Here a loud ringing was heard at the door, and the keeper of an asylum rushed in and secured the lunatic.) BETTER THAN NOTHING. Woman (to tramp— Would you like another hot biscuit ? Tramp — You can give me one more if you like, but 1 am afraid thev are awfully indigestible. 73 AN EYE TO ECONOMY. WOUNG HUSBAND— 1 believe 1 should like a nice turtle I steak for dinner. Young Wife (of a thrifty disposition ) — 1 am afraid turtle steaks are rather expensive, dear. Wouldn't you be satisfied with a mock-turtle steak ? 74 > THE ONE WHO CELEBRATES. RS. B— How is the contested will case coming on. Mr Shimmer ? M Mr. Shimmer — It s all settled, and in my favor. Mrs. B— I congratnlate you. 1 suppose you will be taking your family to Europe now ? Mr. Shimmer— No : but 1 understand my lawyer sails next week. THE REASON WHY. Small boy No. i (to small boy No. 2, who is strutting around with his hands in his pockets) — "Come over and play with me. Johnny ! "" "Cant." "Go ask your mother if you can't." "Can't ask her : she's out somewheres looking for me.'' THOROUGHLY PREPARED. "Young iiian," said a revivalist, solemnly, "do you feel that you are prepared to answer the summons at any mo- ment ? l)o you realize that when you go to bed at night you may be called before the morning dawns ? " "Oh, yes, sir. I'm night clerk in :i drugstore, an' all you've got to do is to keep on rin.uin" the bell until you he:ir me holk-r." 76 WASTEFUL BUT what nil awful lot o' money these hif(h-toned travelers waste for drink," said Uncle Abner, as he laid down his newspaper. " A man who'll pay a hundred dollars for a saloon passage to England, when he can go in the steerage for twenty, is a slave to rum — that's what 1 say ! " A WAR REMINISCENCE. " Yes," said Dumley, " 1 served three years in the war of the Rebellion, and if I do say it myself I made a good soldier." " You have a very soldierly bearing," said young Brown admiringly. "So 1 have been told," replied Dumley. "Even to this day," he continued, " strains of martial music will set my pulses bounding, and like a war horse 1 scent the battle afar off." "Were you ever wounded, Mr. Dumley?" asked Mrs. Simpson-Hendricks, considerably excited. "N — no," he said. "I never was; 1 was very fortunate in that respect." "Yes, indeed," ventured young Brown ; '"a gunshot wound is an ugly thing. 1 suppose you can attribute your good fortune to your nose." " What has my nose to do with my not getting wounded ?" demanded Dumley. " Why— its ability to scent the battle afar off." 77 THE NATURE OF AN OATH. JUDGE (to darky witness) — Do you know the nature of an oath ? Witness — Sah ? Judge— Do you understand what you are to swear to ? Witness — Yes, sah. 1 am to swar to tell de truf. Judge — And what will happen if you do not tell it ? Witness— 1 'spects our side "ill win de case, sah. 78 79 AN EVENING'S PLEASURE SPOILED. MY dear,"" whispered a man to his wife as they seated themselves in a theatre, "1 left my pocket-book at home." " Havn't you any money at all ? "" "Only forty cents."" ''Won't that be enough ? " *' Enough ! "' he repeated impatiently ; " it"s a tive-act play."" 80 i, ■ 13' 8i LOGICAL BOY ! " "Mum?" " Stop that noise ! Do you want to deafen us ? " Yes"m : then you won't mind the noise."" 82 83 A SHABBY AFFAIR. WIFF— Isthat a new hat, John? John (.^iooniily) — Yes. WiFH — It's a shabbv-Iookinc: affair. John — Yes : it's an election hat. 84 \W THE UNITED STATES A HISTORY -::- ^j * j^ jg ,^ well-known fact that Christopher Cokimbus was the alleged discoverer of America, and that 14^2 was the year in which the alleged discovery took place. As a matter of f:ict, however, the existence of this country was known long before Christopher Cokimbiis was born ; but the secret was in the possession of a number of barelegged Indians, who hadn't the business capacity to make any money out of it. 85 And right here we want to impress upon the minds of our readers the importance of making money. An American citizen without money in his pocket is of little more use to the world than the younger son of a British peer. At the time our story opens, i.e., the alleged discovery of America by Christopher Columbus, the population of the country was exclusively made up of Indians and wild animals. A striking resemblance existed between the two classes in everything but personal appearance. Mentally and morally they were about equally endowed. They depended largely upon each other for subsistence, and naturall}' a very strong mutual attachment grew up between them. Sometimes an Indian would have a wild animal for supper : and then again a wild animal would have an Indian for supper. They were very tV)nd of each other — at supper. v:- -::- -::- [^^fore proceeding further we wish to say to our readers that if they are not satisfied with the performance they can have their money refunded. In justice to ourseb'cs. we will state th;il it shall be our aim, as it has been thus far, to meet the broad questions which a conscientiously written history of America naturally calls forth in a manner helilling their iniportance, iind from the standpoint ol" a fnthlul chronicler. If we lead the student into an\- nrw fields of thought, or present the salient features of America's past, present, and future in a wider and more enlightened sense than other great historians, we shall simply be lilleel with the 86 plensnnt consciousness of duty done. If we brii^iiten n single home, or make lighter or happier a single heart, we shall be glad — and if we don't, we shall be glad, for our contract with the publisher is of an ironbound nature, and we get our money under any circumstances. We should like to give our readers a more comprehensive idea of the American Indian as he appeared in the early days of our country's history than we have been able to, but lack of space and information forbid. We should like to describe his mode of living, the books he read, the studies and game he pursued, his peculiar aims and ambitions, his hopes and fears, his bent of thought and bow, his physical and moral characteristics, the food he ate and the brand of whisky he preferred ; but, as stated, lack of space and information forbid. * '■''■ * Prior to the year 1402 the world was popularly sup- posed to be tlat. It remained for Columbus to disclose the true condition of affairs. Columbus was born at Cenoa, Italy, about 1415. This somewhat contlicts with a former state- ment that he was born in Spain ; but what difference does it make, after all, where a man is born? The place where he pays his bills is of the tirst importance. His early life was uneventful ; this, by the way, is the case with a great majority of early lives. it is not our intention to dwell at length upon the theories and ideas possessed by Columbus regarding the formation of the world. Certain matters, unworthy of historical mention, 87 convinced him that there was a country somewhere on the globe called America. He was so hrmly convinced of this that he was willing to borrow money to prove it. His expedition set sail from Palos, wherever that may be, on August 1, 14Q2. It consisted of sixty-six seamen and three ships — the ''Santa Maria/' the "Pinta," and the "Nina." Columbus sailed in the "Santa Maria'' himself. "Santa" is Spanish for black; so the discoverer of this country, like many of its present inhabitants, spent considerable time in the ''Black Maria." [We think "Santa" is Spanish for black.^ A month elapsed before the Canary Islands were reached. The chief product of these islands is canary birds. Whether the birds were named for the islands, or the islands for the birds, is of no special importance ; but they probably were. After leaving the Canary Islands, which they were glad to do owing to the incessant singing of the birds, they sailed in an aimless sort of way for many days. They did no sailing at night, for fear that in the darkness they might pass America without seeing it. San Salvador was finally reached and Columbus took possession of it in the name of Spain. * * * In the early winter of 1620 there landed on Plymouth Rock a nondescript band of Pilgrim fathers, ac- companied by a lull complement of Pilgrim mothers and Pilgrim children. It may be that we are keeping up too rapid a gait for some 88 of our readers. This is a grown-up person's history and re- quires a grown-up person's mind to grasp it. When we are compelled to write history for children to support our family, we shall give up literature if we have to work for a living. These Pilgrim immigrants, to return t(j our subject, came from England. At that period in England religious persecu- tion was carried to an unnecessary extent. A number of Silurian or early paleozoic bigots imagined that if a man did not attend the services of the Established Church every Sun- day and the weekly prayer meetings on Friday nights, he was too wicked to live; so they proceeded to put all such to death in a christian but very painful manner. * * ^^ In i(-)2<-), if our memory is not at fault, a new colony was founded, called the Massachusetts Bay colony. These people were not Pilgrims, but Puritans ; they left Eng- land for about the same reason. A good many died of hard- ship and fatigue during the tlrst year or two, but people of the present generation are not expected to feel sorry for this. "■ ^ "'■ Everybody who didn't attend church regularly on Sunday mornings was put in the pillory and flogged ; so some of the Puritans, who left the old country to escape religious persecution, jumped from the frying pan of England into the lire of America. Everybody at that time carried a gun to church, not through fear of God, but through fear of Indians. * * * As early as 1014 the town of New Amsterdam, 89 now New York, was founded. Henry Hudson, a Dutchman, was the first white man to land at Castle Garden. He sailed up the North River as far as the city of Hudson (which b\' a curious coincidence enjoyed the same name as himself) in search of a passage to India. Nobody but a Dutchman would think of Q^oincr to India via the North River. " "■ ^ Some few facts regarding Philadelphia may not prove uninteresting to the student. A Quaker by the name of William Penn is responsible for the city. He laid it out on the plan of the ancient city of Babylon, and wished to have it "a faire and greene country town." As a green country town Philadelphia has doubtless ex- ceeded its founder's wildest expectations. ''■' '■' William Penn was a man of gentle disposition. He was tolerant of the rights of others, opposed to oppression, and believed that kindness was more effective than bloodshed. It was his mild policy in dealing with the Indians that gave rise to the saying: "The pen is mightier than the sword." * * " We shall pass lightly over the events of the Revolutionary war. The historian who has any self respect will not conline himself to a bare recital of facts. He must draw conclusions :ind study results ; or rather study results first and draw conclusions afterwards. ■X- -:<• ■;<- [•(^■(^•lino i-;in very high against the I'Dglish. One patriotic wom:in, ;i Mrs. Crushing, wantetl other women to wear sheep and goat skins in preference to buying British goods, 90 and a few Boston women did so : but it doesn't make much difference what a Boston woman wears : she looks about the same. * "' The objection which the colonists had to the tax on tea was that it made the price too steep. \i was all well enough to steep the tea, but when it was proposed to steep the price as well, their patriotic scnils revolted. This action of the Bostonian Indians resulted in steeping the country in a war with Hn.^iand. The first blood shed was at the battle of Lexington, in 177s ; it came from an English otTicer who was wounded in the heel. In the same year occurred the battle of Bunker Hill. It was at Bunker Hill, it will be remembered, that the lamented Warren fell. He fell from the top of the monument and was killed instantly. It was shortly after this battle that George Washington was unanimously chosen Commander in Chief, with four major generals, one of whom was Artemus Ward. Ward fought well, but he was a poor speller, and very fond of joking. On the Fourth of July, 1770, the Declaration of Independ- ence, written by Thomas Jefferson, the original Jelfersonian Democrat, was adopted, and the " United States of America" assumed a local habitation and a name. 91 92 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY Los Angeles This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. m\i 2 01961 t. >.»*•' MAY 2 4 1975 Form Ij9-)7>n f=i,'55(B333Us4)444 THE LIBRAKT -- '^ UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIl LOS Al^GELBS PN V»elch - '161 Said in fun ^-l43s • S-:./ 2 i) msi PN 6161 VyU3s The Library of DAVID FKEEDMAN UC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY AA 000 415 222 9 / I PLEA*^*^ DO NOT REMOVE THIS BOOK CARD ', u) to \' ^ILIBRARYQ^ University Research Library BOOK NO.. n: •#■ ^■: