THE 
 
 MOUSE-TRAP 
 
 W-D -HOWELLS- 
 
 lr 
 
 HARPER'S 
 
 BLACK &WHITE 
 
University of California Berkeley 
 

THE MOUSE-TRAP 
 
'WHAT is IT? WHAT is IT?'"' 
 
THE MOUSE-TRAP 
 
 ffarce 
 
 BY 
 
 W. D. HOWELLS 
 ILLUSTRATED 
 
 NEW YORK 
 
 HARPER AND BROTHERS 
 1894 
 
Harper's "Black and White" Series. 
 
 Illustrated. 32010, Cloth, 50 cents each. 
 
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 PUBLISHED BY HARPER & BROTHERS, NEW YORK. 
 
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 Copyright, 1894, by HARPER & BROTHERS. 
 
 Copyright, 1885, by HARPER & BROTHERS. 
 
 Copyright, 1885, by W. D. HOWELLS. 
 
 All rights reserved. 
 
ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 ' WHAT is IT ? WHAT is IT ?'" . . . . Frontispiece 
 1 THERE NEVER WAS ANY MOUSE HERE ' " Facing page 42 
 
THE MOUSE-TRAP 
 
 I 
 
 MRS. SOMERS; MR. CAMPBELL 
 
 T N her drawing-room, Mrs. Amy Som- 
 ers, young, pretty, stylish, in the last 
 evanescent traces of widowhood, stands 
 confronting Mr. Willis Campbell. She 
 has a newspaper in her hand, folded to the 
 width of a single column, which she ex 
 tends towards him with an effect of in 
 dignant menace. 
 
 Mrs. Somers : "Then you acknowledge 
 that it is yours ?" 
 
 Campbell : " I acknowledge that I made 
 a speech before the legislative committee 
 on behalf of the anti - suffragists. You 
 knew I was going to do that. I don't 
 know how they've reported it." 
 
 Mrs. Somers, with severity : " Very well, 
 
then ; I will read it. ' Willis Campbell, 
 Esq., was next heard on behalf of the 
 petitioners. He touched briefly upon the 
 fact that the suffrage was evidently not 
 desired by the vast majority of educated 
 women.' " 
 
 Campbell : " You've always said they 
 didn't want it." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " That is not the point." 
 Reading: "'And many of them would 
 feel it an onerous burden, and not a privi 
 lege/ " 
 
 Campbell : " Well, didn't you ' 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Don't interrupt !" Read 
 ing : " ' Which would compel them, at the 
 cost of serious sacrifices, to contend at 
 the polls with the ignorant classes who 
 would be sure to exercise the right if 
 conferred.' " 
 
 Campbell : " That was your own argu 
 ment, Amy. They're almost your own 
 words." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " That isn't what I object 
 to." Reading : " ' Mr. Campbell then re 
 ferred in a more humorous strain to the 
 argument, frequently used by the suf 
 fragists, that every tax-payer should have 
 
the right to vote. He said that he ob 
 jected to this, because it implied that non 
 tax-payers should not have the right to 
 vote, which would deprive of the suffrage 
 a large body of adoptive citizens, who voted 
 at all the elections with great prompt 
 ness and assiduity. He thought the ex 
 emption of women from some duties re 
 quired of men by the State fairly offset 
 the loss of the ballot in their case, and 
 that until we were prepared to send ladies 
 to battle we ought not to oblige them to 
 go to the polls. Some skirmishing ensued 
 between Mr. Campbell and Mr. Willing- 
 ton, on the part of the suffragists, the 
 latter gentleman affirming that in great 
 crises of the world's history women had 
 shown as much courage as men, and the 
 former contending that this did not at 
 all affect his position, since the courage 
 of women was in high degree a moral 
 courage, which was not evoked by the 
 ordinary conditions of peace or war, but 
 required the imminence of some extraor 
 dinary, some vital emergency.' " 
 
 Campbell : " Well, what do you object 
 to in all that ?" 
 
Mrs. Somers, tossing the paper on the 
 table, and confronting him with her head 
 lifted and her hands clasped upon her 
 left side : " Everything ! It is an insult to 
 women." 
 
 Campbell : " Woman, you mean. I don't 
 think women would mind it. Who's been 
 talking to you, Amy ?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Nobody. It doesn't 
 matter who's been talking to me. That 
 is not the question." 
 
 Campbell : " It's the question I asked." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " It isn't the question / 
 asked. I wish simply to know what you 
 mean by that speech." 
 
 Campbell : " I wish you knew how pret 
 ty you look in that dress." Mrs. Somers 
 involuntarily glances down at the skirt of ^ 
 it on either side, and rearranges it a little, 
 folding her hands again as before. " But 
 perhaps you do." 
 
 Mrs. Somers, with dignity : " Will you 
 answer my question ?" 
 
 Campbell : " Certainly. I meant what 
 I said." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Oh, you did ! Very 
 well, then ! When a woman stands by 
 
the bedside of her sick child, and risks 
 her life from contagion, what kind of 
 courage do you call that ?" 
 
 Campbell : " Moral." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " And when she remains 
 in a burning building or a sinking ship 
 as they often do and perishes, while her 
 child is saved, what kind of courage is it?" 
 
 Campbell : " Moral." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " When she seizes an axe 
 and defends her little ones against a bear 
 or a wolf that's just bursting in the cabin 
 door, what kind of courage does she 
 show?" 
 
 Campbell: "Moral." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Or when her babe crawls 
 up the track, and she snatches it from the 
 very jaws of the cow-catcher " 
 
 Campbell : " Oh, hold on, now, Amy ! 
 Be fair ! It's the engineer who does that : 
 he runs along the side of the locomotive, 
 and catches the smiling infant up, and 
 lays it in the mother's arms as tue train 
 thunders by. His name is usually Hank 
 Rollins. The mother is always paralyzed 
 with terror." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Of course she is. But 
 
in those other cases how does her courage 
 differ from a man's? If hers is always 
 moral, what kind of courage does a man 
 show when he faces the cannon ?" 
 
 Campbell : " Immoral. Come, Amy, 
 are you trying to prove that women are 
 braver than men ? Well, they are. I 
 never was in any danger yet that I didn't 
 wish I was a woman, for then I should 
 have the courage to face it, or else I could 
 turn 'and run without disgrace. All that 
 I said in that speech was that women 
 haven't so much nerve as men." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : "They have more." 
 
 Campbell : " Nerves yes." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " No, nerve. Take Dr. 
 Cissy Gay, that little, slender, delicate, 
 sensitive thing : what do you suppose 
 she went through when she was studying 
 medicine, and walking the hospitals, and 
 all those disgusting things? And Mrs. J. 
 Plunkett Harmon: do you mean to say 
 that she has no nerve, facing all sorts of 
 audiences, on the platform, everywhere ? 
 Or Rev. Lily Barber, living down all that 
 ridicule, and going quietly on in her 
 work " 
 
Campbell : " Oh, they've been talking 
 to you." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " They have not ! And if 
 they have, Dr. Gay is as much opposed 
 to suffrage as you are." 
 
 Campbell : " As I? Aren't you opposed 
 to it too?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Of course I am. Or I 
 was till you made that speech." 
 
 Campbell : " It wasn't exactly intended 
 to convert you." 
 
 Mrs. Somers: "It has placed me in a 
 false position. Everybody knows, or the 
 same as knows, that we're engaged " 
 
 Campbell : " Well, I'm not ashamed of 
 it, Amy." 
 
 Mrs. Somers, severely : " No matter ! 
 And now it will look as if I had no ideas 
 of my own, and was just swayed about 
 any way by you. A woman is despicable 
 that joins with men in ridiculing women." 
 
 Campbell : " Who's been saying that ?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " No one. It doesn't 
 matter who's been saying it. Mrs. Mer- 
 vane has been saying it." 
 
 Campbell : " Mrs. Mervane ?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Yes, Mrs. Mervane, that 
 
you're always praising and admiring so 
 for her good sense and her right ideas. 
 Didn't you say she wrote as logically and 
 forcibly as a man ?" 
 
 Campbell : " Yes, I did." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Very well, then, she 
 says that if anything could turn her in 
 favor of suffrage, it is that speech of 
 yours. She says it's a subtle attack upon 
 the whole sex." 
 
 Campbell: "Well, I give it up! You are 
 all alike. You take everything person 
 ally, in the first place, and then you say 
 it's an attack on all women. Couldn't I 
 make this right by publishing a card to 
 acknowledge your physical courage be 
 fore the whole community, Amy ? Then 
 your friends would have to say that I had 
 recognized the pluck of universal woman 
 hood." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " No, sir ; you can't make 
 it right now. And I'm sorry, sorry, sorry I 
 signed the anti-suffrage petition. Nothing 
 will ever teach men to appreciate women 
 till women practically assert themselves." 
 
 Campbell : " That sounds very much 
 like another quotation, Amy." 
 
Mrs. Somers : " And they must expect 
 to be treated as cowards till they show 
 themselves heroes. And they must first 
 of all have the ballot." 
 
 Campbell: "Oh!" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Yes. Then, and not till 
 then, men will acknowledge their equali 
 ty in all that is admirable in both. Then 
 there will be no more puling insolence 
 about moral courage and vital emergen 
 cies to evoke it." 
 
 Campbell: "I don't see the steps to 
 this conclusion, but the master-mind of 
 Mrs. J. Plunkett Harmon reaches con 
 clusions at a bound." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " It wasn't Mrs. Har 
 mon." 
 
 Campbell: "Oh, well, Rev. Lily Barber, 
 then. You needn't tell me you originated 
 that stuff, Amy. But I submit for the 
 present. Think it over, my dear, and 
 when I come back to-morrow " 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Perhaps you had better 
 not come back to-morrow." 
 
 Campbell: "Why?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers: "Because because I'm 
 afraid we are not in sympathy. Because 
 
if you thought that I needed some vital 
 emergency to make me show that I was 
 ready to die for you any moment " 
 
 Campbell : " Die for me ? I want you 
 to live for me, Amy." 
 
 Mrs. Somers: " and the emergency 
 never came, you would despise me." 
 
 Campbell : " Never !" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " If you have such a low 
 opinion of women generally " 
 
 Campbell : " / a low opinion of wom 
 en!" 
 
 Mrs. Somers: "You said they were 
 cowards." 
 
 Campbell : " I didn't say they were cow 
 ards. And if I seemed to say so, it was 
 my misfortune. I honestly and truly 
 think, Amy, that when a women is roused, 
 she isn't afraid of anything in heaven or 
 on ' He stops abruptly, and looks tow 
 ards the corner of the room. 
 
 Mrs. Somers: "What is it ?" 
 
 Campbell : " Oh, nothing. I thought I 
 saw a mouse." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " A mouse !" She flings 
 herself upon him, and clutches him with 
 convulsive energy. Then suddenly free- 
 
ing him, she leaps upon a chair, and 
 stoops over to hold her train from the 
 floor. "Oh, drive it out, drive it out! 
 Don't kill it. Oh e-e-e-e ! Drive it out ! 
 Oh, what shall I do ? Oh, Willis, love, 
 jump on a chair ! Oh, horrid little dread 
 ful reptile ! Oh, drive it out !" In utter 
 ing these appeals Mrs. Somers alternately 
 looses her hold upon her train in order 
 to clasp her face in her hands, and then 
 uncovers her face to seize her train. " Oh, 
 is it gone ? Come here, Willis, and let 
 me hold your hand ! Or no ! Drive it, 
 drive it, drive it out !" 
 
 Campbell, going about the room in de 
 liberate examination : " / can't find it. I 
 guess it's gone into its hole again." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " No, it hasn't ! It hasn't 
 got any hole here. It must have come in 
 from somewhere else. Oh, I hope I shall 
 have a little wisdom some time, and never, 
 never, never have cake and wine brought 
 into the drawing-room again, no matter 
 how faint with walking any one is. Of 
 course it was the smell of the fruit and 
 crumbs attracted it ; and they might just 
 as well take the horse-cars, but they said 
 
they had walked all the way to get me 
 to sign the suffrage petition, and when I 
 said I'd signed the anti-suffrage, of course 
 I had to offer them something ; I couldn't 
 do less. Have you driven it out?" 
 
 Campbell : " I've done my best. But I 
 can't find it, and I can't drive it out till I 
 do find it." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " It's run into the fire 
 place. Rattle the tongs !" Campbell 
 goes to the fire-place and rattles the tongs 
 against the shovel, Mrs. Somers mean 
 while covering her face. "Ow ugh 
 e-e-e-e ! Is it gone ?" She uncovers her 
 eyes. 
 
 Campbell : " It never was there." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Yes, it was, Willis. 
 Don't tell me it wasn't ! Where else was 
 it if it wasn't there? Look under that 
 book-table !" 
 
 Campbell : " Which one ?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " That one with the shelf 
 coming down almost to the carpet. Poke 
 under it with the poker !" As Camp 
 bell obeys, she again hides her face. 
 " U-u-u-gh ! Is it gone now ?" 
 
 Campbell : " It wasn't there." 
 
Mrs. Somers : " Poke hard ! Bang 
 against the mop-board ! Bang !" 
 
 Campbell, poking and banging : " There ! 
 I tell you it never was there." 
 
 Mrs. Somers, uncovering her face : 
 " Oh, what shall I do ? It must be some 
 where in the room, and I never can 
 breathe till you've found it. Bang again !" 
 
 Campbell : " Nonsense ! It's gone long 
 ago. Do you suppose a mouse of any 
 presence of mind or self-respect would 
 stay here after all this uproar ?" He re 
 stores the tongs to their stand with a 
 clash. 
 
 Mrs. Somers, responsive to the clash : 
 " Ow !" 
 
 Campbell, advancing towards her and 
 extending his hand: "Come, Amy; get 
 down now. I must be going." 
 
 Mrs. Somers, in horror : " Get down ? 
 Going ?" 
 
 Campbell : " Certainly. I can't stay 
 here all day. I've got to follow that 
 mouse out into the street and have him 
 arrested. It's a public duty." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Don't throw ridicule on 
 it !" After a moment : " You know I 
 
can't let you go till I've seen that mouse 
 leave this room. Go all round, and stamp 
 in the corners." She covers her face 
 again. " Ugh !" 
 
 Campbell : " How are you going to see 
 him leave the room if you won't look? 
 He's left long ago. / wouldn't stay if I 
 was a mouse. And I've got to go, any 
 way." 
 
 Mrs. Somers, uncovering her face : 
 " No ! I beg, I command you to stay, or 
 I shall never get out of this room alive. 
 You know I sha'n't." A ring at the street 
 door is heard. " Oh, dear, what shall I 
 do ? I've told Jane I would see anybody 
 that called, and now I daren't step my 
 foot to the floor ! What shall I do ?" 
 
 Campbell, with authority : " You must 
 get down. There's no mouse here, I tell 
 you ; and if people come and find you 
 standing on a chair in your drawing- 
 room, what will they think ?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " I can kneel on it." 
 She drops to her knees on the chair. 
 " There !" 
 
 Campbell : " That's no better. It's 
 worse." 
 
Mrs. Somers, listening to the party at 
 the door below, which the maid has 
 opened : " 'Sh ! I want to make out who 
 it is. 'Sh ! Yes it is !" After listening: 
 " Yes ; it's Mrs. Miller and Lou Bemis 
 and Mrs. Curwen ! I don't see how they 
 happen to come together, for Mrs. Mil 
 ler and Mrs. Curwen perfectly hate each 
 other. Oh yes ! I know ! They're all 
 on the way to Mrs. Ransom's reception ; 
 he's showing his pictures and some of her 
 things horrid daubs ; I don't see how 
 she can have the face and they've met 
 here by accident. 'Sh ! She's showing 
 them into the reception-room. Yes, that's 
 quite right." Mrs. Somers delivers these 
 sentences in a piercing whisper of ex 
 treme volubility. " Now, as soon as she 
 brings up their cards, I'll say I'm not at 
 all well that I'm engaged just going 
 out. No, that won't do. I must be sick. 
 Anything else would be perfectly insult 
 ing after saying that I was at home ; and 
 Jane has got to go back and tell them 
 she forgot that I had gone to bed with a 
 severe headache." As Jane appears at 
 the drawing-room door, and falters at 
 
sight of Mrs. Somers kneeling on her 
 chair, that lady beckons her to her, frown 
 ing, shaking her head, and pressing her 
 finger on her lip to enforce silence, and 
 takes the cards from her, while she con 
 tinues in whisper : " Yes. All right, Jane ! 
 Go straight back and tell them you for 
 got I had gone to bed with a perfectly 
 blinding headache ; and don't let another 
 soul into the house. Mr. Campbell saw 
 a mouse, and I can't get down till he's 
 caught it. Go !" 
 
 II 
 
 JANE; MRS. SOMERS; MR. CAMPBELL; 
 then MRS. MILLER; MRS. CU RIVEN ; MRS. 
 BEMIS 
 
 Jane, after a moment of petrifaction : 
 " A mouse ! In the room, here ? Oh, my 
 goodness gracious me !" She leaps upon 
 the chair next to Mrs. Somers, who again 
 springs to her feet. 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Did you see it ? Oh, 
 e-e-e-e !" 
 
 Jane : " W-o-o-o-o ! I don't know ! 
 
Where was it? Oh yes, I thought " 
 They clutch each other convulsively, and 
 blend their cries, at the sound of which 
 the ladies in the reception-room below 
 come flocking up-stairs into the draw 
 ing-room. 
 
 The Ladies, at sight of Mrs. Somers 
 and her servant : " What is it ? what is 
 it?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Oh, there's a mouse in 
 the room ! Oh, jump on chairs !" 
 
 Mrs. Miller, vaulting into the middle 
 of the sofa : "A mouse !" 
 
 Mrs. Lou Bemis, alighting upon a slight 
 reception-chair : " Oh, not in this room, 
 Mrs. Somers ! Don't say it !" 
 
 Mrs. Curwen, with a laugh of mingled 
 terror and enjoyment, from the top of the 
 table where she finds herself : " Where is 
 it?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " I don't know. I didn't 
 see it. But, oh ! it's here somewhere. 
 Mr. Campbell saw it, and Jane did when 
 she came up with your cards, and he's 
 been trying to drive it out, but he can't 
 even budge it ; and " 
 
 Campbell, desperately : " Ladies, there 
 
isn't any mouse here ! I've been racket 
 ing round here with the shovel and tongs 
 all over the room, and the mouse is gone. 
 You can depend upon that. You're as 
 safe here as you would be in your own 
 rooms." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " How can you say such 
 a thing? No, I won't be responsible if 
 anything happens. The mouse is in this 
 room. No one has seen it go out, and 
 it's here still." 
 
 Mrs. Bern is, balancing herself with dif 
 ficulty on her chair : " Oh dear ! how tip 
 py it is ! I'm sure it's going to break." 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " Get up here with me, 
 Mrs. Bemis. We can protect each other." 
 
 Mrs. Miller : " You would both fall off. 
 Better come here on the sofa, Mrs. Bemis." 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " The mouse could run 
 up that ottoman sofa as easily as the 
 ground." 
 
 Mrs. Miller, covering her face: "Oh, 
 how can you say such a thing?" 
 
 Mrs. Bemis: "Oh, I know I'm going 
 to fall !" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Willis, for shame ! Help 
 her I" 
 
Campbell: "But how how can I help " 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Get her another chair." 
 
 Campbell : " Oh !" He pushes a large 
 arm-chair towards Mrs. Bemis, who leaps 
 into it with a wild cry, spurning the re 
 ception-chair half across the room in her 
 flight. 
 
 Mrs. Bemis : " Oh, thank you, thank 
 you, Mr. Campbell ! Oh, I shall always 
 bless you !" 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " Yes, you have saved all 
 our lives. Where there's a man, I don't 
 care for a thousand mice." 
 
 Mrs. Miller : " Oh, how very frank !" 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " Yes, I'm nothing if not 
 open-minded." 
 
 Campbell, surveying her with amuse 
 ment and interest: " I don't believe you're 
 very much scared." 
 
 Mrs. Bemis : " Oh yes, she is, Mr. Camp 
 bell. She keeps up that way, and then 
 the first thing she faints." 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " Not on centre -tables, 
 my dear ; there isn't room." 
 
 Campbell, with increasing fascination : 
 "Why don't you get down, and set the 
 rest an example of courage ?" 
 
26 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " I prefer to set the ex 
 ample here : it's safer." 
 
 Campbell: "You look like the statue 
 of some goddess on her altar or saint " 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " Thank you. If you 
 will say victim, I will agree with you. 
 Say Iphigenia. But the others are too 
 much. I draw the line at goddesses and 
 saints." 
 
 Campbell : " And you' re afraid of mice, 
 too ?" 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : "To be sure I am." 
 
 Campbell : " Well, there is no mouse 
 down herenothing but a miserable man. 
 Now, will you get down ?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Mrs. Curwen, don't 
 think of it ! He's just saying it. The 
 mouse is there." To Campbell : " You 
 are placing us all in a very ridiculous po 
 sition." 
 
 Campbell : " I am sorry for that ; I am, 
 indeed. I give you my word of honor 
 that I don't believe there's any mouse in 
 the room." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Jane just saw it." 
 
 Campbell : " She thought she saw it, 
 but I don't think she did. A lion would 
 
have been scared out by this time." A 
 ring at the door is heard. 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " There, Jane, there's 
 some one ringing ! You must go to the 
 door." 
 
 Jane, throwing her apron over her head : 
 " Oh, please, Mrs. Somers, I can't go ! 
 I'm so afraid of mice !" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Nonsense ! you must 
 go. It's perfectly ridiculous your pre 
 tending not." 
 
 Jane : " Oh, I couldn't, Mrs. Somers ! 
 I was always so from a child. I can't 
 bear 'em." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " This is disgraceful ! Do 
 you mean to say that you won't do what 
 I ask you ? Very well, then ; you can go ! 
 You needn't stay the week out ; I will 
 pay you, and you can go at once. Do 
 you understand ?" 
 
 Jane : " Yes, I do, and I'd be glad to go 
 this very minute, but I don't dare to get 
 down." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " But why shouldn't you 
 get down ? There isn't the least danger. 
 Is there any danger now, Mr. Camp 
 bell ?" 
 
28 
 
 Campbell : " Not the least in the world 
 Mouse gone long ago." 
 
 Mrs. Somers: "There!" 
 
 Jane : " I can't help it. There are so 
 many in the dining-room " 
 
 Mrs. Somers: "In my dining-room? 
 Oh, my goodness ! why didn't you tell me 
 before ?" 
 
 Jane : " And one ran right over my 
 foot." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Your foot ? Oh, I 
 wonder that you live to tell it ! Why 
 haven't you put traps ? Where's the 
 cat?" 
 
 Jane : " The cook's spoiled the cat, 
 feeding it so much." 
 
 Mrs. Miller : " Yes, that's the worst of 
 cooks : they always spoil cats." 
 
 Mrs. Bemis : " They overfeed them." 
 
 Mrs. Miller : " And then, of course, the 
 cats are worth nothing as mousers. I 
 had a cat " The bell sounds again. 
 
 Mrs. Somters : " There ! Some one 
 must go." 
 
 Campbell : " Why, I'll go to the door." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " And leave us here ? 
 Never! How can you propose such a 
 
thing? If you dare to go, I shall die. 
 Don't think of such a thing." 
 
 Jane : " The cook will go, if they keep 
 ringing. Oh ! ugh ! hu, hu ! When ever 
 shall I get out of this ?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Stop crying, Jane ! Be 
 calm ! You're perfectly safe. You may 
 be glad it's no worse. 'Sh ! There's the 
 cook going to the door at last. Who can 
 it be ? Listen !" 
 
 Jane, clutching Mrs. Somers : " Oh ! 
 ugh ! Wo-o-o-o !" 
 
 All the Ladies : " E-e-e-e !" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " What's the matter, 
 Jane ? Let me go ! Whafs the mat 
 ter?" 
 
 Jane : " Oh, I thought I was falling-B 
 right down in among it !" 
 
 Mrs. Agnes Roberts, calling up from 
 below: "What in the world is it, Amy?" 
 
 Campbell : "Oh, my prophetic soul, my 
 sister !" 
 
 Mrs. Somers, shouting: "Is that you, 
 Agnes ? Don't come up ! Don't come 
 up, for your life! Dorit come up, unless 
 you wish to perish instantly. Oh, it's 
 dreadful, your coming now. Keep away ! 
 
Go right straight out of the house, unless 
 you wish to fling your life away." 
 
 The other Ladies : " Don't come ! Don't 
 come ! Keep away ! It will do no good." 
 
 Ill 
 
 MRS. ROBERTS and the OTHERS 
 
 Mrs. Roberts, mounting the stairs, as if 
 lured to her doom by an irresistible fasci 
 nation : " Not come ? Keep away ? Who's 
 talking ? What is it ? Oh, Amy, what is 
 it?" As she reaches the stair-landing 
 space before the drawing-room and looks 
 in, where Campbell stands in the middle 
 of the floor with his hands in his pockets 
 and despair in his face: "You here, Wil 
 lis? What are you doing? What is it?" 
 Her eye wanders to the ladies trembling 
 in their several refuges, and a dawning 
 apprehension makes itself seen in her face. 
 " What is Oh, it is it isn't it isn't a 
 mouse! Oh, Amy! Amy! Amy! Oh, 
 how could you let me come right into the 
 room with it? Oh, I never can forgive 
 
you ! I thought it was somebody getting 
 killed. Oh, why didn't you tell me it was 
 a mouse ?" She alights on the piano- 
 stool, and keeps it from rocking by stay 
 ing herself with one hand on the piano- 
 top. 
 
 Campbell : " Now look here, Agnes 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Hush ! Don't speak 
 to me, Willis ! You unnatural, cruel, 
 heartless Why did you let me come in ? 
 I wonder at you, Willis ! If you had been 
 half the brother you ought to be Oh 
 dear, dear ! I know how you will go away 
 and laugh now, and tell everybody. I 
 suppose you think it corroborates that 
 silly speech of yours before the legislative 
 committee that's wounded all your best 
 friends so, and that I've been talking my 
 self perfectly dumb defending you about." 
 Mrs. Roberts unconsciously gives a little 
 push for emphasis, and the stool revolves 
 with her. " E-e-e-e ! Oh, Amy, how can 
 you have one of these old-fashioned, hor 
 rid, whirling things, fit for nothing but 
 boarding-house parlors !" 
 
 Mrs. Somers, with just pique : " I'm very 
 sorry you don't like my piano-stool, Ag- 
 
nes. I keep it because it was my poor 
 mother's ; but if you'll give me due notice 
 another time, I'll try to have a different 
 
 Mrs. Roberts, bursting into tears : " Oh, 
 don't say another word, Amy dear ! I'm 
 so ashamed of myself that I can hardly 
 breathe now !" 
 
 Campbell : " And I'm ashamed of you 
 too, Agnes ! Get down off that stool, and 
 behave yourself like a sensible woman." 
 He goes towards her as if to lift her down. 
 " The mouse is gone long ago. And if it 
 was here, it wouldn't bite you." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts, repelling him with one 
 hand while she clings insecurely to the 
 piano with the other : " Bite ? Do you 
 suppose I care for a mouse's biting, Wil 
 lis? I wouldn't care for the bite of an 
 elephant. It's the idea. Can't you un 
 derstand?" 
 
 The other Ladies : " Oh yes, it's the 
 idea." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Yes, I told him in the 
 first place, Agnes, that it was the idea of 
 a mouse." 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " It's the innate repug 
 nance." 
 
33 
 
 Campbell : " It's the enmity put be 
 tween the mouse that tempted Eve and 
 the woman " 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Don't be sacrilegious, 
 Willis ! Don't, for your own sake !" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Yes, it's very easy to 
 make fun of the Bible." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Or woman. And the 
 wit is equally contemptible in either case." 
 
 Mrs. Miller : " Other animals feel about 
 mice just as we do. I was reading only 
 the other day of an elephant your men 
 tioning an elephant reminded me of it, 
 Mrs. " 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : "Oh !" 
 
 The other Ladies : " E-e-e-e !" 
 
 Mrs. Somers: " What is it?" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Nothing. I thought I 
 was going to fall. Go on, Mrs. Miller." 
 
 Mrs. Miller: "Oh, it's merely that the 
 elephant was asleep, and a mouse ran up 
 its trunk '" 
 
 All the Ladies : " Horrors !" 
 
 Mrs. Miller: "And the poor creature 
 sprang up in the greatest alarm, and bel 
 lowed till it woke the whole menagerie. 
 It simply shows that it isn't because 
 
women are nervously constituted that 
 they're afraid of mice, for the nervous or 
 ganism of an elephant " 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " The first time I went 
 to Europe I found a mouse in one of my 
 trunks. It was a steamer trunk, that you 
 push under the berth, and I've perfectly 
 loathed them ever since." 
 
 Mrs. Bemis : " Once in a farm-house 
 where we were staying the summer, a 
 mouse ran right across the table." 
 
 All the Ladies: "Oh!" 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " One morning I found 
 one in the bath-tub." 
 
 All the Ladies : " Oh, Mrs. Curwen !" 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " We'd heard it scram 
 bling round all night. It was stone- 
 dead." 
 
 All the Ladies : " Hideous !" 
 
 Campbell : " Why, bless my soul ! if 
 the mouse was dead " 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Then it was ten times 
 as bad as if it was alive. Can't you un 
 derstand ? It's the idea. But, oh, don't 
 let's talk of it any more, ladies ! Let's 
 talk of something else. Agnes, are you 
 going to Mrs. Ransom's ?" 
 
35 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " I've been. Nearly 
 everybody's coming away." 
 
 Mrs. Miller : " Why, what time is it, 
 Mrs. Somers ?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " I don't know." 
 
 Campbell, looking at his watch : " It's 
 ten minutes of six, and IVe missed my 
 appointment." 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " And if we don't go 
 now we shall miss the reception." 
 
 Mrs. Bern is: "Papa was very particu 
 lar I should go, because he couldn't." 
 
 Mrs. Miller : " We must go at once." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Oh, I'm so sorry! Jane, 
 go down with the ladies." 
 
 Jane : " Oh, please, Mrs. Somers !" 
 
 Mrs. Miller : " But how are we to 
 go ? We are imprisoned here. We can 
 not get away. You must do some 
 thing." 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " It is your house, Mrs. 
 Somers. You are responsible." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " But what can I do ? I 
 can't get down myself. And if I did, 
 what good would it do ?" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts: "For shame, Willis, to 
 laugh !" 
 
Campbell : " I wasn't laughing. I was 
 merely smiling aloud." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " It's the same thing. 
 You ought to think of something." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Oh yes, do, Willis. 
 Think of something for my for good 
 ness' sake, and I will always thank you. 
 You're so ingenious." 
 
 Campbell: " Well, in the first place, I 
 don't believe there's any mouse in the 
 room." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " That is nonsense ; Jane 
 saw it. Is that all your ingenuity amounts 
 to?" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts, electrically : " Amy, / 
 have an idea !" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Oh, Agnes ! How like 
 you !" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Not at all. It's the 
 simplest thing in the world. It's the only 
 way. And no thanks to Willis, either." 
 
 All the Ladies : " Well ? Well ? Well ?" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " It's just this : all make 
 a rush, one after another, and the rest 
 scream. And Willis must keep beating 
 the floor." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " How perfectly mag- 
 
37 
 
 nificent ! Well, Agnes, you have got your 
 wits about you ! It is the very thing ! 
 Now, Mrs. Curwen, if you will jump down 
 and make a rush " 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " It's for you to make 
 the rush first, Mrs. Somers. You are the 
 hostess." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Yes, but I'm not go 
 ing, don't you see? I've sent my card to 
 Mrs. Ransom." 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " Then, Mrs. Miller, will 
 you, please : " 
 
 Mrs. Miller : " Mrs. Bemis is nearest 
 the door. I think she will wish to start 
 first." 
 
 Mrs. Bemis : " No ; I will wait for the 
 rest." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " That is a good idea. 
 They ought to all rush together, not one 
 after another. Don't you think so, Ag 
 nes?" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Yes, that was what I 
 meant. And we ought to all scream just 
 before they start, so as to scare it." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Oh, how capital! You 
 have got a brain, Agnes ! Now I begin 
 to believe we shall live through it. And 
 
Mr. Campbell ought to beat the floor 
 first, oughtn't he ?" 
 
 Campbell : " I haven't got anything to 
 beat it with." He looks about the room. 
 " But I can go down and get my cane." 
 
 All : " No !" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Jane will go down and 
 get it for you." 
 
 Jane: "Oh, I couldn't, Mrs. Somers!" 
 
 Campbell : " Perhaps the poker but it 
 would spoil your carpet." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " No matter for the car 
 pet ; you can beat it into pulp." Camp 
 bell gets the poker and beats the car 
 pet in different places. " Harder ! Beat 
 harder!" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " You're not beating at 
 all, Willis. You're just temporizing." 
 Campbell wildly thrashes the carpet. 
 
 Mrs. Somers: "There! that is some 
 thing like. Now scream, Agnes ! Scream, 
 Mrs. Curwen ! Mrs. Miller, Lou, scream, 
 please !" 
 
 All: "E-e-e-e!" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " But nobody started !" 
 
 Mrs. Curwen : " I didn't believe the 
 rest would start, and so /didn't." 
 
Mrs. Miller: "I was sure no one else 
 would start." 
 
 Mrs. Bemis : "So was I." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " We must have faith in 
 each other, or else the plan's a failure. 
 Now all scream !" They scream. 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " E-e-e-e ! Keep beating 
 the carpet, Willis ! Hard, hard, hard !" 
 The other ladies all leap down from their 
 perches, and rush screaming out of the 
 drawing-room, followed by Jane, with a 
 whoop that prolongs itself into the 
 depths of the basement, after the retreat 
 ing wails and hysterical laughter of the 
 ladies have died out of the street door. 
 "Oh, wasn't it splendid? It was a per 
 fect success." 
 
 IV 
 
 MRS. SOMERS; MR. CAMPBELL 
 
 Campbell, leaning on his poker, and 
 panting with exhaustion : " They got out 
 alive." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " And it was all Agnes's 
 idea. Why, Agnes is gone too !" 
 
Campbell : " Yes, Agnes is gone. I 
 think it was a ruse of hers to save her 
 own life. She's quite capable of it." 
 
 Mrs. Somers, with justice : " No, I don't 
 think that. She was just carried away 
 by the excitement of the moment." 
 
 Campbell : "At any rate, she's gone. 
 And now, Amy, don't you think you'd 
 better get down ?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers, in astonishment : " Get 
 down ? Why, you must be crazy. How 
 can I get down if it's still there?" 
 
 Campbell: "What?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " The mouse." 
 
 Campbell : " But it isn't there, my dear. 
 You saw for yourself that it wasn't there." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Did you see it run out ?" 
 
 Campbell : " No ; but " 
 
 Mrs. Somers: "Very well, then, it's 
 there still. Of course it is. I wouldn't 
 get down for worlds." 
 
 Campbell : " Oh, good heavens ! Do 
 you expect to spend the rest of your life 
 up there in that chair?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " I don't know. I shall 
 not get down till I see that mouse leave 
 this room." 
 
Campbell, desperately : " Well, then, I 
 must make a clean breast of it. There 
 never was any mouse here." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " What do you mean ?" 
 
 Campbell : " I mean that when we were 
 talking arguing about the physical 
 courage of women, I thought I would try 
 a mouse. It's succeeded only too well. 
 I'll never try another." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " And could you really 
 be guilty of such a cruel " 
 
 Campbell : " Yes." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Shameless " 
 
 Campbell: " I was." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Despicable deception ?" 
 
 Campbell : " It was vile, I know, but I 
 did it." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " I don't believe it. No, 
 rather than believe that of you, Willis, I 
 would believe there were a million mice 
 in the room." 
 
 Campbell : " Amy, indeed " 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " No ; if you could de 
 ceive me then, you can deceive me now. 
 If you could say there was a mouse in 
 the room when there wasn't, you are 
 quite capable of saying there isn't when 
 
there is. You are just saying it now to 
 get me to get down." 
 
 Campbell: "Upon my honor, I'm not." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Oh, don't talk to me of 
 honor ! The honor of a man who could 
 revel yes, revel in the terrors of help 
 less women " 
 
 Campbell : " No, no ; I'd no idea of it, 
 Amy." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " You will please not ad 
 dress me in that way, Mr. Campbell. You 
 have forfeited all right to do so." 
 
 Campbell : " I know it. What I did 
 was very foolish and thoughtless." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " It was very low and 
 ungentlemanly. I suppose you will go 
 away and laugh over it with your asso 
 ciates." 
 
 Campbell : " Why not say my ruffianly 
 accomplices at once, Amy ? No, I assure 
 you that unless you tell of the affair, no 
 body shall ever hear of it from me. It's 
 too disastrous a victory. I'm hoist by 
 my own petard, caught in my own mouse 
 trap. There is such a thing as succeed 
 ing too well." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " I should think you 
 
' ' THERE NEVER WAS ANY MOUSE HERE '" 
 
43 
 
 would be ashamed of it. Suppose you 
 have shown that women are nervous and 
 excitable, does that prove anything ?" 
 
 Campbell : " Nothing in the world." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Very likely some of us 
 will be sick from it. I dare say you think 
 that would be another triumphant argu 
 ment." 
 
 Campbell : " I shouldn't exult in it." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " I don't know when I 
 shall ever get over it myself. I have had 
 a dreadful shock." 
 
 Campbell : " I'm sorry with all my 
 heart I am, indeed. I had no concep 
 tion that you cared so much for mice 
 despised them so much." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Oh yes, laugh, do ! It's 
 quite in character. But if you have such 
 a contempt for women, of course you 
 wouldn't want to marry one." 
 
 Campbell : " Yes, I should, my dear. 
 But only one." 
 
 Mrs. Somers: " Very well, then ! You 
 can find some other one. All is over be 
 tween us. Yes ! I will send you back 
 the precious gifts you have lavished upon 
 me, and I will thank you for mine. A 
 
man who can turn the sex that his moth 
 er and sister belong to into ridicule can 
 have no real love for his wife. I am glad 
 that I found you out in time." 
 
 Campbell : " Do you really mean it, 
 Amy?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers: " Yes, I mean it. And I 
 hope it will be a lesson to you. If you 
 find any other poor, silly, trusting creat 
 ure that you can impose yourself upon 
 for a gentleman as you have upon me, I 
 advise you to reserve your low, vulgar, 
 boyish tricks till after she is helplessly 
 yours, or she may tear your hateful ring 
 from her finger and fling it " She at 
 tempts to pull a ring from her finger, but 
 it will not come off. " Never mind ! I 
 will get it off with a little soapsuds ; and 
 then 
 
 Campbell: "Oh no, my dear! Come, 
 I can allow for your excitement, but I 
 can't stand -everything, though I admit 
 everything. When a man has said he's 
 played a silly part he doesn't like to be 
 told so, and as for imposing myself upon 
 you for a gentleman you must take that 
 back, Amy." 
 
Mrs. Somers : " I do. I take it back. 
 There hasn't been any imposture. I knew 
 you were not a gentleman." 
 
 Campbell : " Very good ! Then I'm not 
 fit for a lady's company, and I don't deny, 
 though you're so hard upon me, that 
 you're a lady, Amy. Good-bye." He 
 bows and walks out of the room. 
 
 Mrs. Somers, sending her voice after 
 him in a wail of despair : " Willis !" 
 
 Campbell, coming back : " Well ?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " I can't let you go." 
 He runs towards her, but she shrinks 
 back on her chair against the wall. " No, 
 no!" 
 
 Campbell, hesitating : " Why did you 
 call me back, then ?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : "I I didn't call you 
 back ; I just said Willis." 
 
 Campbell : " This is unworthy even of 
 you" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Oh !" 
 
 Campbell : " Do you admit that you 
 have been too severe ?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " I don't know. What 
 did I say ?" 
 
 Campbell : " A number of pleasant 
 
4 6 
 
 things ; that I was a fraud, and no gen 
 tleman." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Did I say that ?" 
 
 Campbell: "Yes, you did." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " I must have been very 
 much incensed against you. I beg your 
 pardon for being so angry." 
 
 Campbell : " That won't do. I don't 
 care how angry you are if you don't call 
 me names. You must take them back." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Do you see my hand 
 kerchief anywhere about on the carpet ?" 
 
 Campbell, looking about, and then find 
 ing it : " Yes ; here it is." He hands it 
 to her, and she bends forward and takes 
 it from him at arm's-length, whipping it 
 nervously out of his hand. " What's the 
 matter ?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Oh, nothing^nothing! 
 Will you please give me my fan from the 
 table there ?" He obeys, and she catches 
 it from him as she has caught the hand 
 kerchief. " Thank you ! Keep away, 
 please !" 
 
 Campbell, angrily : " Really this is too 
 much. If you are afraid of touching 
 me " 
 
Mrs. Somers : " No, I don't mind touch 
 ing you ; that isn't it. But if you stood 
 so near, don't you see, it might run up 
 you, and jump on to me!' 
 
 Campbell : " What might ?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers: "You know. The 
 mouse." 
 
 Campbell : " The mouse ! There is no 
 mouse." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " That's what you said 
 before." 
 
 Campbell : " Well, it's true. There isn't 
 any mouse, and there never was." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " There's the idea. And 
 that's all I ever cared for." 
 
 Campbell : " Well, what are you going 
 to do ? I can't kill the idea of a mouse, 
 and I can't drive it out of the room." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " I don't know what I'm 
 going to do. I suppose I shall die here." 
 She presses her handkerchief to her eyes. 
 " I shall never get out of the room alive. 
 Then I hope you will be satisfied." 
 
 Campbell : " Amy, how can you say such 
 things to me ?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Oh, I suppose you're 
 fond of me, in your contemptuous way. 
 
I never denied that. And I'm sorry, I'm 
 sure, if I wounded your feelings by any 
 thing I said." 
 
 Campbell : " Then you admit that I am 
 a gentleman ?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " I didn't say that." 
 
 Campbell : " And I can't be satisfied 
 with less. I'll own that I've been stupid, 
 but I haven't been ungentlemanly. I 
 can't remain unless you do." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " And do you think 
 threatening me is gentlemanly ?" 
 
 Campbell: "That isn't the question. 
 Do you think I'm a gentleman?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " You're what the world 
 calls a gentleman yes." 
 
 Campbell : " Do you think I'm one?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " How can I tell ? I can't 
 think at all, perched up here." 
 
 Campbell : " Why don't you get down, 
 then ?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers: "You know very well 
 why." 
 
 Campbell : " But you'll have to get 
 down some time. You can't stay there 
 always." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Why should you care ?" 
 
Campbell : " You know I do care. You 
 know that I love you dearly, and that I 
 can't bear to see you in distress. Shall I 
 beat the carpet, and you scream and make 
 a rush ?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " No ; I haven't the 
 strength for that. I should drop in a 
 faint as soon as I touched the floor." 
 
 Campbell : " Oh, good heavens ! What 
 am I going to do, then ?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " I don't know. You got 
 me into the trouble. I should think you 
 could get me out of it." 
 
 Campbell, after walking distractedly up 
 and down the room : " There's only one 
 way that I can think of, and if we're not 
 engaged any longer, it wouldn't do." 
 
 Mrs. Somers, yielding to her curiosity, 
 after a moment's hesitation : " What is 
 it?" 
 
 Campbell : " Oh, unless we're still en 
 gaged, it's no use proposing it." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Can't you tell me with 
 out?" 
 
 Campbell : " Impossible." 
 
 Mrs. Somers, looking down at her fan : 
 " Well, suppose we are still engaged, 
 
then ?" Looking up : " Yes, say we are 
 engaged." 
 
 Campbell : " It's to carry you out." 
 
 Mrs. Somers, recoiling a little : " Oh ! 
 do you think that would be very nice ?" 
 
 Campbell : " Yes, I think it would. We 
 can both scream, you know." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Yes ?" 
 
 Campbell : " And then you fling your 
 self into my arms." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Yes ?" 
 
 Campbell : " And I rush out of the 
 room with you." 
 
 Mrs. Somers, with a deep breath : " I 
 would never do it in the world." 
 
 Campbell : " Well, then, you must stay 
 where you are." 
 
 Mrs. Somers, closing her fan : " You're 
 not strong enough," She puts her hand 
 kerchief into her pocket. " You would 
 be sure to fall." She gathers her train in 
 one hand. " Well, then, look the other 
 way !" Campbell turns his face aside and 
 waits. " No, I can't do it." 
 
 Campbell, retiring wrathfully to the 
 other side of the room : " What shall we 
 do, then?" 
 
Mrs. Somers, after reflection : " I don't 
 know what we shall do. But if I were a 
 man " 
 
 Campbell : " Well, if you were a man 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Don't you think Mrs. 
 Curwen is fascinating ?" 
 
 Campbell : "She does." 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " You must admit she's 
 clever ? And awfully stylish ?" 
 
 Campbell : " I don't admit anything of 
 the kind. She's always posing. I think 
 she made herself ridiculous standing there 
 on the table." 
 
 Mrs. Somers, fondly : " Oh, do you 
 think so ? You are very severe." 
 
 Campbell : " Come, now, Amy, what has 
 all this got to do with it ?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Nothing. But if I were 
 a man " 
 
 Campbell: "Well?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers : " Well, in the first place, 
 I wouldn't have got you wrought up so." 
 
 Campbell : " Well, but if you had ! Sup 
 pose you had done all that I've done, and 
 that I was up there in your place stand 
 ing on a chair, and wouldn't let you leave 
 the room, and wouldn't get down and 
 
walk out, and wouldn't allow myself to be 
 carried, what should you do?" 
 
 Mrs. Somers, who has been regarding 
 him attentively over the top of her fan, 
 which she holds pressed against her face : 
 " Why, I suppose if you wouldn't let me 
 help you willingly / should use violence" 
 
 Campbell : " You witch !" As he makes 
 a wild rush upon her, the curtain, which 
 in the plays of this author has a strict 
 regard for the convenances, abruptly de 
 scends. 
 
 THE END 
 
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