% 
 
LAVS OF 
 
 1ND * * 
 
Cbacker's $ix=$Dill)ng Series. 
 
 Illustrative of Anglo-Indian Life. 
 
 Crown 8vo. , cloth gilt. Price dr. each volume. 
 
 THE TRIBES ON MY FRONTIER. By 
 
 EHA. An Indian Naturalist's Foreign Policy. With 50 Illus- 
 trations by F. C. MACRAE. Sixth Edition. 
 
 In this remarkably clever work there are most graphically and 
 humorously described the surroundings of a Mofussil Bungalow. 
 
 BEHIND THE BUNGALOW. By EHA. 
 
 With 53 Clever Sketches by the Illustrator of "The Tribes." 
 
 Eighth Edition. 
 
 As "The Tribes on my Frontier'' graphically and humorously 
 described the Animal Surroundings of an Indian Bungalow, the 
 present work describes with much pleasantry the Human Officials 
 thereof, with their peculiarities, idiosyncrasies, and, to the European, 
 strange methods of duty. 
 
 A NATURALIST ON THE PROWL. By 
 
 EHA. With 80 Illustrations by R. A. STERNDALE, F.Z.S. 
 
 Third Edition. 
 
 In this book the Author deals in his amusing and interesting way 
 with the animals, insects, etc., that are common to India, and it 
 forms to some extent a sequel to "The Tribes on my Frontier." 
 
 LAYS OF IND. By ALIPH CHEEM. Gomic 
 
 and Satirical Poems, descriptive of an Anglo-Indian's Life in 
 India. Illustrated by the Author, LIONEL INGLIS, R. A. 
 STERNDALE, and others. Eleventh Edition. 
 
 TWENTY-ONE DAYS IN INDIA : Being the 
 
 Tour of Sir Ali Baba, K.C.B. By GEORGE ABERIGH-MACKAY. 
 With Illustrations. Seventh Edition. 
 
LAYS OF IN D 
 
 COMICAL, SATIRICAL, AND DESCRIPTIVE 
 POEMS ILLUSTRATIVE OF ENGLISH LIFE IN INDIA 
 
 BY 
 
 "ALIPH CHEEM" 
 
 QEUbmth Ditixxn, IHttstrateb 
 
 LONDON 
 
 W. TRACKER & Co., 2, CREED LANE, E.C 
 
 CALCUTTA AND SIMLA : THACKER, SPINK & CO. 
 
 1905 
 
 [All rights reserved] 
 
Y4- 
 1 
 
 ANGLO-INDIAN FOLK 
 
 WHO CAN RELISH A LITTLE JOKE 
 
 THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED. 
 IF HAPLY TO ROUSE A SMILE, 
 OR AN IDLE HOUR BEGUILE, 
 
 THE MODEST TOME IS FATED, 
 ACCOMPLISHED WILL BE THE DREAM 
 
 OF " YOURS TRULY," 
 
 " SUpfj 
 
 HENRY MORSE! StEPHEM* 
 
PREFACE 
 
 modest tome, kind Pub., was writ, 
 From time to time, and bit by bit ; 
 Some Lays appearing here and there, 
 Where Editors could corners spare ; 
 While others, bound into a book, 
 Were published in Bombay and took. 
 At least, 'yours truly' thinks he may 
 That much, of swagger guiltless, say ; 
 For of his first attempt, no less 
 Than three editions passed the press, 
 And of the second, he is told, 
 There's not a single vol. unsold. 
 Since they were issued, several others 
 Appeared in journals, like their brothers, 
 And now the whole, all of a heap, 
 Are offered to you very cheap. 
 Dear Pub., ' yours truly ' hopes you'll laugh 
 At what is merely meant for chaff; 
 And, being chaff, is notr so vain 
 As to attempt to pass for grain. 
 
 "ALIPH CHEEMo" 
 BANGALORE, 
 
 i7/>& Sept., 1875. 
 
 513168 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 Page 
 
 THE NAUGHTY NAUTCH . . I 
 
 TWO THUMPERS .... 9 
 
 LORD COURTLY l6 
 
 MOONSHINE 19 
 
 TEMPORA MUTANTUR ... 21 
 
 JINKS'S LEAVE 27 
 
 MY MOONSHEE 35 
 
 PERFIDE ALBION .... 40 
 
 THE CONTENTED SUB. ... 49 
 
 THE TANK TRAGEDY ... 52 
 
 " HUMAYSCHA AGE JAO ! " . 59 
 
 THE LETTER FROM HOME . . 63 
 
 CARDOZO, THE HALF-CASTE . 66 
 RAJAH KISTNAMAH HOWDIE 
 
 DOO 71 
 
 THE COSTLY PEARL ... 76 
 
 THE BENEDICT'S DREAM . . 85 
 
 THE SENSITIVE FAKEER . . 87 
 
 O'LEARY'S REVENGE ... 92 
 
 THE DEAD SHOT .... IOO 
 
 THE LOAFER IO6 
 
 AS WISE AS A SERPENT . . IIO 
 
 TWADDLE 114 
 
 LE BEAU SABREUR . . . . Il8 
 
 THE MATRIMONIAL INDENT . 121 
 
 OUR RIDE 124 
 
 HOMEWARD BOUND . . . 129 
 
 CUPID AFLOAT 135 
 
 THE POLICE WALLAH'S LITTLE 
 
 DINNER . . 
 
 137 
 
 for ^Hngltsfj 
 
 Pap 
 
 DECEITFUL JONES . 144 
 
 MY LETTER TO THE BEAK . 147 
 THE LEGEND OF INDRA AND 
 
 AHI 150 
 
 THE FAITHFUL ABBOO . . . 154 
 THE HOLLOW TOOTH; OR, AN 
 
 ILL-ASSORTED UNION . 158 
 
 A TRUE REFORMER ... 164 
 
 A CHRISTMAS REVERIE . . 167 
 
 THE PAINTING OF THE STATUE 171 
 
 THE BISHOP AT SEA . . . 179 
 
 THE GENERAL DUTY COVE . l8l 
 
 TO A GRIFFIN 185 
 
 TEETH, TEETH, TEETH ! . . 187 
 THE TWO MACBETHS . . . l88 
 THE SUSPICIOUS JUDGE; OR, 
 THE GEHENNA OF MIS- 
 TRUST 194 
 
 THE QUESTION OF THE DAY . 197 
 
 THE DESERTED BUNGALOW . 2OI 
 
 THE RIGHTS OF WOMAN . . 2O5 
 
 AN OMISSION 208 
 
 "GOD SPEED THE PRINCE OF 
 
 WALES " 209 
 
 MAY AND DECEMBER . . . 212 
 
 CAPTAIN SPRINT'S WAGER . 218 
 ARABELLA GREEN; OR, THE 
 
 MERCENARY SPIN . . , 223 
 
 TWO FATES . . . , , . 231 
 
 FOR ENGLAND, HO 1 . - 234 
 
THE NAUGHTY NAUTCH. 
 
 THE Reverend McPherson believed that a nautch 
 
 Was a most diabolical sort of debauch ; 
 
 He thought that that dance's voluptuous maze-s 
 
 Would turn a man's brain, and allure him to blazes I- 
 That almond-eyed girls, 
 Dressed in bangles and pearls, 
 And other scant jims 
 Disclosing their limbs, 
 
'. .' : : : LAYS OF IND. 
 
 suggestve 
 And harmony festive, 
 
 With fire in their eyes, and love on their lips, 
 And passion in each of their elegant skips, 
 As beauteous as angels, as wicked as devils, 
 Performed at these highly indelicate revels. 
 
 One day this said verecund Mr. McPherson 
 He chanced at a nautch to be present in person : 
 A Rajah had all the cantonment invited 
 To feast in his palace. The gardens were lighted 
 
 With fairy-like sheen 
 
 Of lamps, red and green, 
 
 White, purple, and yellow, 
 
 Some dazzling, some mellow \ 
 
 There were flowers in mountains 
 
 About all the fountains, 
 
 And nice little tents 
 
 For ladies and gents, 
 
 With brushes and scents ; 
 
 A pavilion of state 
 
 All arranged for the feast, 
 
 With service of plate 
 
 Worth a kingdom at least ; 
 
 A profusion of rare 
 
 And exquisite fare, 
 
 From rice and pillaos 
 
 To truffles and grouse, 
 
 Which Fortnum and Mason so nicely prepare ; 
 There were crackers and bonbons, and rhymes for the fair, 
 With every liquor we designate wine, 
 From the stuff of the Cape to the nectar of Rhine ; 
 
THE NA UGHTY NA UTCH. 
 
 There were servants in splendid and fanciful garb, 
 To obey the behest of each lady and sahib, 
 To hand to the former magnificent posies, 
 Or phials of odorous attar of roses, 
 
 To dust the sahibs' boots, 
 Or present them cheroots, 
 To pilot them over each tortuous walk, 
 Which was covered with canvas as snowy as chalk, 
 And lead them right into the Rajah's divan 
 To make their salaam to the good little man. 
 
 The guests were assembled the whole of the Station: 
 The Reverend McPherson's entire congregation 
 Were now in the Rajah's pavilion of state, 
 Exclaiming, " Oh, my ! what a beautiful fete I " 
 
 There was General Smart, 
 
 With his hand on his heart, 
 
 Declaring, by Gad, 
 
 All he'd ever seen had 
 
 Been thrown in the shade 
 
 By the pomp now displayed. 
 
 There was fat Major Spruce, 
 His assistant A.-G., 
 
 Vowing this was a deuce 
 Of a swell bobberee. 
 
 There was tall Colonel Byles, 
 Q.-M.-G. of the place, 
 
 With amazement and smiles 
 All over his face. 
 
LA YS OF IND. 
 
 There was thin Captain Quill, 
 
 The Judge- Advocate-Gen., 
 And fierce Doctor Pill, 
 
 Chief of medical men. 
 
 There was blithe Major Stock, 
 
 I. O. M., full of chaff, 
 And a red-coated flock 
 
 Of the rest of the Staff, 
 Who nodded, and swore 
 
 There had never been such a 
 Tumasha before, 
 
 It was "Schandah bote utcha \' y 
 
 And then all the foot and the horse officers. 
 The Gunners and Staff Corps so glorious in spurs, 
 The Commissioner, with his Assistants who all, 
 As is orthodox always, belonged to Bengal, 
 And matrons and spins, last, but surely not least, 
 Declaring nem. con. 'twas a wonderful feast ! 
 
 The Rajah he bowed, and he bowed, and he bowed, 
 
 Shaking hands as they came with the whole of the crowd 
 
 And he led to a couch the Commissioner's wife, 
 
 And said 'twas the happiest hour of his life. 
 
 Then suddenly sounded a loud-clanging gong, 
 
 And there burst on the eyes of the wondering throng 
 
 A bevy of girls 
 
 Dressed in bangles and pearls 
 
 And other rich jims, 
 
 With fat podgy limbs, 
 
 And bright yellow streaks 
 
 All over their cheeks, 
 
THE NAUGHTY NAUTCH. 
 
 Enormous gold rings 
 
 And other queer things 
 
 In the ears and the nose, 
 
 On the ankles and toes, 
 
 Who shuffled, and beat 
 
 A strange time with their feet, 
 
 And sang a wild air 
 
 Which affected your hair, 
 
 While behind them a circle of men and of boys, 
 With tom-toms and pipes, made a terrible noise, 
 And retainers stood by, waving censer and torch; 
 And the Reverend McPherson was in fora nautch ! 
 
LA YS OF IND. 
 
 The Reverend McPherson he said to his bride, 
 
 " Come, Ellen, sit doun vara close to ma side. 
 
 This rampin' and reelin' is sorrowfu' wark, 
 
 And it ill becomes me the braw witches to mark ; 
 
 They may scrieve vara saftly, and fling vara weel, 
 
 But they're childer o' darkness, and kin o' the de'il ! " 
 
 Said Ellen, " Oh, Dooglas, of course it is wrang, 
 
 But there's nae ane that's bonnie thae witches amang. 
 
 You may just tak' a look, and I think you'll agree ; 
 
 Sae don't turn awa', noo, and open your e'e." 
 
 The minister did 
 
 As his douce lassie bid : 
 
 The minister took 
 
 A pretty close look, 
 
 And the minister said, 
 
 With a shake of his head, 
 
 " If \vi' lasses lik' thae, dear, Gehenna is graced, 
 I don't think the de'il has got muckle gude taste ! " 
 The Reverend McPherson, relieved in his mind, 
 Examined the dancers before and behind : 
 He observed that their port was extremely discreet, 
 That they wore ample garments right down to their feet, 
 On their heads golden bosses, and plaits to their hair, 
 And that scarcely an inch of their bodies was bare ; 
 That they postured, bobbed, whirligigged, wriggled like eel: 
 And all the time shuffled about on their heels, 
 Keeping time to the piper's and tom-tommer's strains 
 With the clink of their anklets of resonant chains, 
 Advancing, retiring, uplifting their arms, 
 Now mimicking joy, and now feigning alarms, 
 Now figuring love, now portraying disdain, 
 And doing it over and over again, 
 
THE NAUGHTY NAUTCH. 
 
 Till, after a good twenty minutes of play, 
 
 He wished the whole boiling would nautch it away. 
 
 But still they kept shuffling and spinning about, 
 And one of them, who was remarkably stout, 
 
 More splendaciously dressed 
 
 Less opaque than the rest, 
 
 Coming more to the front, 
 
 Bearing more of the brunt, 
 And forming the centre of every group 
 In fact, the presiding danseuse of the troupe 
 Appeared to be acting a tragical drama, 
 And worked herself into a state about ' Rama ; " 
 
 She'd a cloth of gold on her, 
 And jewels of sorts, 
 
 She had been prima donna 
 At several Courts, 
 
 She wore genuine rubies, 
 
 Presented by boobies, 
 
 Who thought that her dancing 
 
 Was something entrancing, 
 
 Or fancied the charms 
 
 Of the serpent-like arms, 
 
 Or were turned outsiile-in 
 
 By her coppery skin. 
 And now, as she playr \ premiere Coryphee 
 In our good little Rajah's dark corps tie ballet, 
 She threw herself into contortionings frightful, 
 The native guests plainly thought highly delightful, 
 And shrieked, " Rama ! Rama ! " her eyes all aflame, 
 As if she'd a love who rejoiced in the name, 
 But in spite of her calling him much, never came ; 
 While the rest, just as if 'twas a heartrending shame, 
 
LA YS OF IND: 
 
 Shrieked, " Rama ! ' ; 
 
 Yelled, " Rama ! " 
 
 Apparently called him a curious person ; 
 Till at length, sick of Rama, the Reverend McPherson, 
 In a deep undertone gave a vent to some hearty 
 Remarks, which would hardly have flattered that party. 
 
 This Rama he never once dreamed was a god, 
 If he had he'd have thought it remarkably odd, 
 Would have felt it was certainly more than a joke 
 That a dancer of nautches a god should invoke. 
 He was blissfully ignorant, quite in the mirk, 
 Upon matters affecting what wasn't his kirk. 
 " Oh, Eilen ! " said he, with an audible groan, - 
 " A nautch is a very dool thing, 'a must own, 
 And the man who's seen ane and desires to see mair, 
 I gie him my leave he's fu' welcome to stare. 
 If the de'il always fished with thae baits, on his dish 
 I dinna suppose ye'd see mony white fish ! " 
 
TWO THUMPERS. 
 
 IN the Dashty-second Crashers was a Major Corker, who 
 Was remarkable for stories, which were very seldom true. 
 There was also in the regiment a Captain, Goak by name, 
 A rival of the Major's, for his talents were the same. 
 
 9 
 
LA YS OF IND. 
 
 When Corker told a cracker which made everybody stare, 
 The Captain told a buster, which erected all your hair ; 
 And the Major, waxing furious at being thus outdone, 
 Came down on his opponent with a truly fearful one ! 
 
 One evening at the Crasher mess, a goodly party met, 
 And the statements these romancers made I never shall forget ; 
 They'd respectively resolved for once and ever to decide 
 Who told the taller tales, who more astonishingly lied. 
 
 The dinner was concluded, and the cloth was swept away, 
 The wine was circulating, and the band had ceased to play ; 
 The billiard-room was full of youngsters handy with the cue, 
 And in the deep verandah sat a rubber-loving few. 
 
 But, rooted to their chairs, remained a dozen men or so, 
 With their big cheroots and coffee, with their sherry and Bor- 
 deaux ; 
 
 While spicy stories circled, not unmixed with scandal choice, 
 And loud above the others sounded Major Corker's voice. 
 
 They talked of " Nap," and Bismarck, and the Franco-German 
 
 war, 
 
 Of divers local matters, acting, racing, and shikar, 
 Of many a wild adventure in the jungle, on the sea, 
 But none could touch the Major none could yarn so stiff as he. 
 
 He'd an anecdote astounding apropos of everything, 
 His fancy soared to dizzy heights, when once upon the wing ; 
 And when they got to " tiger," he was game to make a bet 
 A certain tiger feat of his had ne'er been equalled yet. 
 
TWO THUMPERS. 
 
 " Perhaps you may have heard," he said, " the human eye has 
 
 power 
 
 To make the brute creation quail, the fiercest beast to cower; 
 Well, I've you may have noticed it a most commanding eye, 
 And I resolved, for science sake, its influence to try. 
 
 " Last year, not far from Jaulnah, I was following up a cheetah, 
 When I came upon a tiger, a notorious man-eater ; 
 He was munching at the thigh bone of a half-digested nigger 
 I raised my gun to pot him, and my hand was on the trigger, 
 
 " When I haply recollected that the human eye to test 
 
 On a tiger at his lunch would be a thing of interest : 
 
 I laid my Purdy down, to my shikaree's great surprise. 
 
 And crossed my arms, and calmly stared the tiger in the eyes. 
 
 " The monster rose, and licked his chops, and flicked his mangy 
 
 tail, 
 And growled a growl which seemed to say, * You're dead, sir, as 
 
 a nail ! ' 
 Then crouched to spring, but didn't spring and shall I tell you 
 
 why ? 
 My stern mesmeric glance had told I'd caught his wicked eye ! 
 
 " He blinked, and winked, and strove to shirk my steady, stony 
 
 stare, 
 
 But still I gazed, and still "he crouched with disconcerted air ; 
 At last he turned, unable to endure my aspect more, 
 And vanished in the jungle with a half-attempted roar ! 
 
 " Another day I met this tiger on an open plain, 
 He knew me in a moment, and I fixed his eye again ; 
 My stern reproachful look it was again too much for him, 
 And, like a felon caught i' the act, he shook in every limb ! 
 
LA YS OF AVD. 
 
 "A little while he strove to bear the horror of my face, 
 Then stuck his tail between his legs, and fled at headlong pace ! 
 Not far there stood a cavern wild, fit home for jungle elf, 
 I saw him reach that cavern wild, and there he hid himself. 
 
 " I followed, and I peered within : beyond the reach of day, 
 Upon a rock, all foul with human gore, the tiger lay 
 Before the cavern's yawning mouth I gravely sat me down, 
 Resolved to starve the monster out, as Germans do a town. 
 
 " At first he simply lay and growled, but as he hungry grew, 
 He ventured ineffective sorties, just as Frenchmen do, 
 Emboldened by despair and want, he'd make a fierce attack, 
 But, when I dropped my eye upon him, slunk defeated back. 
 
 " At length his savage growl sank to an idiotic moan, 
 His once tremendous carcass was reduced to skin and bone, 
 His limbs refused their office he could neither crawl nor rise 
 The sure approach of death was shadowed in his hollow eyes ! 
 
 " For ten long days and weary nights I sat before that den, 
 At dawn upon th' eleventh morn I shouted to my men, 
 They came. With lighted torch we stood inside the cave of death, 
 And there we saw the grim man-eater draw his final breath ! " 
 
 He ceased, and then there came a pause, and Corker looked 
 about, 
 
 As if to ask if any there were bold enough to doubt. 
 
 Said Goak, "I've done that sort of thing, with an elephant in- 
 stead ; 
 
 But now I'll spin a yarn of the sea." And this is what he said : 
 
TWO THUMPERS. 13 
 
 " I was coming out to India, round the Cape, three years ago, 
 In the clipper ship Miranda, owned by Messrs. Green & Co. ; 
 We'd been driven to the southward by a series of gales, 
 And were fairly in the latitude of icebergs and of whales. 
 
 " One morn the sun was rising gloomy from his ocean bed, 
 When I heard a noise above me, and a cry of ' Boat ahead ;' 
 I seized my big binoculars, and hurried up on deck, 
 And far ahead upon the wave I saw a tiny speck. 
 
 " The sea was running wildly, and each roller, in its turn, 
 Like a solid wall of water, towered right above the stern, 
 As if it meant to topple down and thunder on the wheel ; 
 But it only hissed, and, with a lift, surged underneath the keel. 
 
 " We drove before a mighty wind, and soon we made out well 
 The outline of the tiny speck, as it nearer rose and fell ; 
 A minute more, the speck and we were almost side by side, 
 ' fwas nothing but a hencoop, with a bearded man astride ! 
 
 " A solar hat was on his head, and in his hand an oar, 
 
 A life-belt round his waist this lonely navigator wore ; 
 
 Of waterproof he also had a tightly- fitting suit, 
 
 And in his mouth he seemed to suck a half-consumed cheroot. 
 
 " Our captain grasped his speaking-trumpet, hove his vessel to, 
 And bellowed from the shrouds, ' Hi ! what the blazes ! who 
 
 are you ? 
 Some shipwrecked seaman, I suppose, so come aboard my 
 
 ship. 3 
 The stranger bawled, ' Thanks, very much, but that is not my 
 
 tip! 
 
14 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 " l No luckless shipwrecked mariner do you behold in me, 
 But just a man of roving tastes, and bent upon a spree : 
 I left Bombay a month ago I'm bound for Liverpool 
 I'm right as ninepence, only find the nights a little cool.' 
 
 "'The captain hitched his trousers up, and quidded to the sea, 
 ' You air indeed a cusse'd rum 'un anyhow ! ' said he ; 
 ' But don't yer want provisions ? If yer do, I'm game to give. 
 Excuse me, pray, for axing how the blazes do yer live ? ' 
 
 " 'Just cast your eye/ the stranger said, * my little bark within, 
 I've got, you'll see, inside the coop, a largish case of tin : 
 For lack of food and liquor I shall never come to grief, 
 It's full, the case, of Mr. Liebig's concentrated beef! 
 
 " ' I'm truly grateful, captain, but I have no pressing needs, 
 The only thing I want is some Vesuvians for my weeds.' 
 A box was thrown, the stranger lit his half-consumed cigar, 
 And in our wake we watched him dwindling to a speck afar ! 
 
 " I subsequently heard that, spite of nights a little cool, 
 This stranger safely worked his hencoop up to Liverpool ; 
 And when he tells the story of his wild seafaring whim, 
 He shows the empty match-box which our captain gave to him." 
 
 Now, Captain Goak he looked around with triumph in his eye : 
 He thought, "'Twill take the Major all he knows to top that 
 
 lie ! " 
 
 And all the hearers looked at Corker, thinking much the same : 
 But Corker coolly said, " My friends, I know that stranger's 
 
 name : 
 
TWO THUMPEKS. 
 
 " And all that Goak has said to-night corroborate I can : 
 
 I know it, and I ought to know, because I was the man ! 
 
 ' Twas I who on the hencoop rode to Liverpool by sea, 
 
 And here's the empty match-box which the captain gave to me ! " 
 
LORD COURTLY. 
 
 A REMINISCENCE OF NOT A HUNDRED YEARS AGO. 
 
 LORD COURTLY was a Governor wise, 
 
 As ever ruled Bombay ; 
 But whenever he looked in ladies' eyes 
 
 His wisdom went away. 
 
 He couldn't resist their melting power 
 
 Or sweet lips asking a boon ; 
 And he'd promise things at the tiffin hour, 
 
 He'd forget in the afternoon. 
 
 One morning the wife of a Doctor Scratch 
 
 Was tiffining at Parell. 
 Her eyes were well, they were hard to match : 
 
 So thought my Lord as well. 
 
 He thought, as into their beams he looked, 
 He would like in such beams to bask ; 
 
 And the lady thought that my Lord was hooked, 
 And now was the time to ask. 
 
 "My Lord," she whispered, "oh, will you give 
 
 My husband the Body Guard ? 
 It's vacant, I hear and for ever to live 
 
 Up-country is very hard. 
 
 16 
 
LORD COURTLY. 17 
 
 " One doctor's as good as another, I'm sure 
 
 Scratch isn't bad in his way ! 
 And, oh," (with a pout) " I cannot endure 
 
 The thought of leaving Bombay." 
 
 Lord Courtly replied, " Sixteen have applied : 
 
 But Scratch will do as well. 
 It is yours. Your merits can't be denied 
 
 At all events at Parell." 
 
 1 hat selfsame eve my Lord drove out 
 
 For air, and airs, at the Band ; 
 And, quitting his equipage, flan'eed about, 
 
 Shaking the dames by the hand ; 
 
 When, all of a sudden, his restless eye 
 
 A sidelong glance did meet 
 So soft, so melting, and oh, so shy ! 
 
 It nailed him, toute de suite. 
 
 He sidled up with a " How d'ye do, 
 
 Dear Mrs. Blank, to-night? 
 I should so enjoy a drive with you ! " 
 
 The lady replied, " All right." 
 
 They drove about till the daylight sank, 
 And the pall of night grew starred ; 
 
 And he promised her husband, Doctor Blank, 
 Should have the Body Guard. 
 
 A week elapsed. Sweet Mrs. Scratch ! 
 
 O happy, happy wife ! 
 What airy plans all day she'd hatch ! 
 
 No more up-station life. 
 
1 8 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 But if you only guessed, sweet dame, 
 Your joy would be somewhat marred : 
 
 Put not your faith Ah, well, it came 
 Blank got the Body Guard ! 
 
 When Mrs. Scratch soon after met 
 My Lord, she said, " Oh, fie ! 
 
 A pretty affair that last Gazette, 
 And I'd know the reason why ? " 
 
 Said he, " Old Blank, my dear, you see, 
 
 To Scratch is senior far ; 
 But I'll give you the Eye Infirmary, 
 
 That's settled and there you are." 
 
 Said she, " That bargain at once we'll strike. 
 
 What you did, no doubt was right. 
 I thank you ; but oh, this time, I'd like 
 
 To hare it in black and white" 
 
MOONSHINE. 
 
 THE air is cool, the night is clear, 
 The moon is bright and round 
 
 All's still, I cannot even hear 
 The tom-tom's horrid sound; 
 
 Suppressed the irritating hum 
 That wells from the bazaar, 
 
 I'll meditate. Hi ! chokra ! come, 
 And bring me a cigar, 
 19 
 
20 
 
 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 The teapoy, and the long arm-chair, 
 
 I'll also have a drink 
 1 hope the water's iced with care, 
 
 Now go and let me think. 
 
 These solemn nights, those golden beams, 
 That wondrous depth of blue, 
 
 Allure my soul to lofty dreams ; 
 Upon my soul they do ! 
 
 O India, land of glorious eves ! 
 
 Of nights all but divine ! 
 Thy moonshine, trembling on the leaves, 
 
 Is not thy sole moonshine! 
 
TEMPORA MUTANTUR. 
 
 IN India, of course, 'tis notorious that worth 
 Is the sole stepping-stone to a lucrative berth ; 
 That the parties who sit on the top of the trees, 
 Where the boughs almost droop with their load of rupees, 
 Are the parties who've marked themselves out from the rest, 
 The parties who've publicly proved they're the best. 
 This point is a fact 
 Which is never attacked ; 
 
 The person who doubts it, no doubt, must be cracked ! 
 But the case wasn't so 
 
 In the days that are fled. 
 Merit wasn't the go ; 
 
 Something else was instead. 
 People not at all clever 
 Succeeded somehow ; 
 A scandal that never 
 
 Is possible now. 
 Ah ! we ought to be grateful 
 
 We live in a day 
 When a system so hateful 
 
 No longer has sway ; 
 
 And should any now question the truth of my stricture, 
 And think that I'm hard on the past in my rhymes, 
 
 21 
 
22 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 I invite them to look at the following picture, 
 Which wouldn't be true of these healthier times. 
 
 There lived once a Major named Cecity Mole, 
 A most unmistakeably commonplace soul, 
 Intended by nature to play a dull role. 
 Notwithstanding all this, though, he rose to the top, 
 Steadily, surely, with never a stop 
 Often, indeed, with a kind of a hop 
 Skipping along on the tide of promotion, 
 Just as a sea-gull skims over the ocean. 
 
 First he was posted an A.-Q.-M.-G., 
 Having wriggled through somehow in Hindostanee : 
 A feat which astonished his intimates sore, 
 And even he said so astonished him more. 
 And how it, as such, 
 More than cramming high Dutch, 
 Rendered him specially fit for the Staff, 
 Was a matter I never could comprehend half. 
 
 Here he bore himself well to the general wonder ; 
 That is, he committed no scandalous blunder. 
 He might have been brighter, 
 
 But, come, we'll be fair ; 
 He'd a capital writer 
 
 Who kept him all square. 
 
 There was no little war with its gatherings of forces, 
 No strain consequently upon his resources. 
 He moved a few corps 
 For the yearly relief, 
 And arranged "/<? transport" 
 Without coming to grief. 
 
TEMPORA MUTANTUR. 23 
 
 No cholera happened just then to be rife, 
 So he wasn't removed, wigged, or tried for his life. 
 The- bandies he hired 
 
 Cost the usual double, 
 So he wasn't required 
 
 To explain and give trouble ; 
 In fact, his incumbency satisfied most 
 That there might have been even worse men for the post. 
 
 Having mastered the movements of biles and of men, 
 He was secondly dubbed a Judge- Advocate-Gen. ; 
 Though, if asked the connection 
 
 'Twixt this and that berth, 
 I am forced, on reflection, 
 
 To say " What on earth ? " 
 The only solution which comes to the mind 
 Is that, 'twixt the two spheres, there's a wonderful kind 
 Of link cabalistic, 
 Supernatural, mystic, 
 Which no common mortal can see, being blind. 
 
 Our hero, now thrust into labyrinth legal, 
 Soon showed that he had not the eye of the eagle : 
 Played curious capers 
 
 With justice and law ; 
 Squashed court-martial papers 
 
 That hadn't a flaw ; 
 Writing notes on the finding, 
 
 Or sentence, or both, 
 Very hazy, reminding 
 
 The Court of its oath ; 
 For he couldn't dissemble 
 
 The fact that the Court, 
 
24 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 Which must now re-assemble, 
 
 Had quite set at nought 
 The drift of the evidence, customs of war, 
 And the principles most fundamental of law. 
 
 Then the members would meet, 
 
 And in wonderment learn, 
 From the ponderous sheet, 
 
 How they'd botched the concern. 
 But from mere opposition 
 Of course must adhere 
 To their former decision, 
 The facts being clear. 
 
 Whereupon the Judge-Advocate went to the chief, 
 Who declared, when he'd read it all, leaf upon leaf, 
 He was dreadfully pained, 
 But in duty constrained 
 
 To agree with the Court the proceedings were good, 
 And the Court had decided as he himself should. 
 
 After this, our Staff officer shortly was made 
 
 Brigadier of a favourite Indian brigade ; 
 And the tricks that he played 
 With his troops on parade, 
 
 Putting all his Judge-Advocate larks in the shade, 
 Weren't they writ in the hearts of the gunners who fired 
 At the rear of their friends, as they slowly retired ? 
 Weren't they graved in the minds of the troopers, who tried 
 By a resolute charge to destroy their own side ? 
 Weren't they grief to the Infantry Colonels, who swore 
 That the foe couldn't both be behind and before ? 
 Weren't they scored on the brains of that Brigadier's Staff? 
 Ay, and didn't they serve as a garrison chaff? 
 
TEMPO R A MUTANTUR. 25 
 
 Having thus set his mark as a Brigadier gallant 
 
 (For I must say he gave splendid dinners and wine), 
 And the big-wigs apparently scenting some talent 
 Which didn't come out in the tactical line, 
 
 He was suddenly, and to the general joy 
 Of the army, appointed to civil employ. 
 I wouldn't be guilty of illiberally, 
 But cannot help saying 
 'Twas rather dismaying 
 To see him the head of a municipality ! 
 
 See ; here was a man 
 
 Who in clover began, 
 
 And successively ran 
 
 Through a pretty good span 
 
 Of some pretty good things 
 
 Just as if he had wings ; 
 And yet he was only an average soul, 
 A most unmistakeably commonplace soul 
 A square man, in fact, in a circular hole. 
 Now, what was the secret ? Say, how was this done ? 
 Had he merit ? I think we might say he had none ; 
 
 At least not enough 
 
 Of the genuine stuff 
 
 To push him along over other men's heads, 
 And drop him a-top of such feathery beds. 
 
 The reason now hear, 
 And the thing will be clear. 
 Mr. Cecity Mole, 
 Though an average soul, 
 A most unmistakeably commonplace soul, 
 
26 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 Married early in life 
 
 Quite a gem of a wife, 
 Who, when he got in, pulled him out of, a hole : 
 
 A lady so clever, 
 
 Folks wondered how ever 
 She'd yielded to such a ridiculous whim 
 As to swear any sort of obedience to him. 
 
 She was somewhat a belle, 
 
 Her connections were swell, 
 And she'd interest all in the line that would tell ! 
 
 Interest, interest that was the key, 
 Opening locks, sir, on both sides the sea 
 Merit? Bah! interest, influence, birth, 
 He who had these, you might wager had worth. 
 
 There is the picture ; and, reader, you'll own 
 
 That the world has, since then, much more virtuous grown. 
 
 The days of "queer jobs'" are now happily flown, 
 
 And success is the guerdon of merit alone. 
 
 We live in the era of " tests " and " selection ; " 
 
 In fact, we're as near as can be to perfection ! 
 
JINKSTS LEAVE. 
 
 OF all the Tartars in Hazereepore, 
 The sourest that I could name 
 
 Was a colonel, commanding a Cavalry corps 
 Colonel de Fierie Phlaime. 
 
 His nose was purple, his cheeks were red, 
 
 And so was his curly hair. 
 He was fat and fierce, and his officers said 
 
 It was awful to hear him swear ! 
 
 Loudly he swore on parade ; and oh 
 The language he used at the Mess, 
 
 When an impudent subaltern ventured a "no" 
 To Colonel de Fierie's "yes"! 
 
 27 
 
28 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 The Colonel's spouse, she was meagre and meek ; 
 
 She once had a spirit, they say ; 
 But a course of bullying, week by week, 
 
 Had spirited it away. 
 
 Colonel de Phlaime had a daughter fair, 
 
 Sprightly as he was grim, 
 And she was the only soul who dare 
 
 Think of tackle-ing him. 
 
 Her name was Rose. She was rosy and plump, 
 
 Just eighteen summers old. 
 The Cornets dubbed her a regular trump, 
 
 And worth her weight in gold. 
 
 Court-martial'd nearly was little Jack Spree 
 
 For playing a practical joke ; 
 And everyone thought it was all u P 
 
 Till the damsel up and spoke : 
 
 " Of course you are bound to make a fuss, 
 
 O righteously-angered dad ! 
 But, you know, it is known to all of us, 
 
 You practical joked as bad 
 
 " When jw# were a Cornet. I've heard you brag 
 
 ' The devil and all ' you played ; 
 You docked the tail of the Colonel's nag, 
 
 His favourite on parade." 
 
 Tom Doughty, too, was in dire distress ; 
 
 His case looked deadly blue ; 
 The pate of a billiard-marker at Mess 
 
 He broke with a billiard cue ! 
 
JINKS'S LEAVE. 
 
 29 
 
 Said the Colonel," I'm d d if I let these chaps 
 
 Blacks with impunity flog. 
 They're a d d too liberal with their raps, 
 
 And Doughty's a d d young dog ! 
 
 " I'll break him, d d if I don't, by Jove ! " 
 
 " Indeed? " Rose mildly said ; 
 "Then it can't have been you I saw yesterday, love, 
 
 Punching our mahlee's head ? " 
 
 So little Jack Spree and Doughty, both, 
 
 Got off with a reprimand. 
 " Next time," said De Phlaime, with a terrible oath, 
 
 " You'll feel the weight of my hand ! " 
 
30 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 Cornets he held in particular dread 
 
 All subalterns were his foes ; 
 For Rose de Phlaime was fit to wed, 
 
 And subalterns will propose. 
 
 Whenever a Cornet chanced to call, 
 And Rose approved of the lad, 
 
 'Twas, " A d d young puppy; just like 'em all- 
 Some d d young monied cad ! " 
 
 At Infantry Captains he turned up his nose, 
 At his own gay Captains glared, 
 
 Some were quite ready to ask for Rose, 
 But never a one of them dared. 
 
 " D d unprincipled roysterers, they 
 
 Paupers every one ! 
 Why do they soldier in India, pray? 
 
 Damme, for fear of the dun ! " 
 
 One morning, coming from early drill, 
 
 Murmuring oaths, of course, 
 Colonel de Phlaime took terribly ill 
 
 And nearly fell from his horse. 
 
 For, lo ! in the garden about his house, 
 
 Perched on a rustic seat, 
 Rose de Phlaime was inhaling the vows 
 
 Of a Cornet at her feet ! 
 
 " D d young rascal ! " he inwardly swore, 
 
 " Wanton it while you can. 
 Ask me for leave from drill once more 
 
 Ask me for leave, my man ! 
 
JINKS' S LEAVE. 
 
 " Think you your Colonel's a drivelling fool ?- 
 
 Jinks? Ah, how d'ye do? 
 (Sotto voce) The riding-school 
 
 And Adjutant's drill for you ! " 
 
 Cornet Jinks was a handsome spark ; 
 
 Rose was aware of the fact ; 
 And they fancied they kept uncommonly dark 
 
 A certain mutual pact. 
 
 But smashed for the present was Jinks's dream, 
 So Colonel de Phlaime opined ; 
 
 And little did that stern parient deem 
 What mischief was in the wind. 
 
32 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 At riding-school and Adjutant's drill 
 
 He kept that Cornet gay ; 
 Enough most subalterns for to kill, 
 
 Or turn their hair to grey. 
 
 But Jinks he never a murmur made, 
 
 His sorrows had their balm, 
 For a friendly ayah his notes conveyed, 
 
 And Rose sent back " Salaam." 
 
 " Oh, Colonel, give me leave for a week ! " 
 One morning he dared to say, 
 
 The Colonel replied, "Confound your cheek! 
 D d if you get a day ! 
 
 " You're loutish and lubberly on parade ; 
 
 Ride like a tailor, too. 
 Damme, my orders shall be obeyed, 
 
 Nothing but drill for you ! " 
 
 Another fortnight had slipped away 
 
 Jinks had again applied : 
 Again the Colonel had said him nay, 
 
 And d d poor Jinks beside. 
 
 De Phlaime, he fancied that things were well : 
 To sell Jinks seemed inclined. 
 
 But Jinks, he contemplated a sell 
 Of a vastly different kind. 
 
 " I want to go home to England, sir, 
 
 On urgent private affairs ; 
 I've heard of the death of my grandmother, 
 
 And I am one of her heirs." 
 
JINKS' S LEAVE. 
 
 33 
 
 Colonel de Phlaime he cocked his eye, 
 And he scratched his curly head. 
 
 " D d if I don't think that's a lie, 
 A damnable lie ! " he said. 
 
 11 However, I'll think, and I'll let you know." 
 Then home to his breakfast went. 
 
 Said Rose, " Oh, let the noodle go, 
 If that is the noodle's bent 
 
 " He isn't much good to the corps, I fear, 
 And certainly won't be missed." 
 
 De Phlaime declared her his daughter dear, 
 And Rose was audibly kissed. 
 
34 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 " Well, well ! " he thought, " he's a dangerous lot 
 
 And better out of the way." 
 So the leave was officially asked, and got, 
 
 Early the following day. 
 
 "Good-bye, dear Colonel, my horse-dawk's laid, 
 
 And I must travel in haste, 
 For my grandmother's sole executor said 
 
 I had got no time to waste." 
 
 The Cornet left in the dead of the night, 
 
 For merry England bound, 
 And the morrow broke on a scene of affright, 
 
 For Rose was not to be found ! 
 
 In the Cornet's track she had hied away, 
 
 And left her dad in the lurch ; 
 And he was relieved when she wrote to say 
 
 She had met her Jinks in church \ 
 
MY MOONSHEE. 
 
 MY Moonshee was a stately man, his name Mahomed Been ; 
 He had a very wary eye, and was to business keen. 
 Beneath his grave exterior a fund of humour'd lurk, 
 And forty-five rupees a month I paid him for his work. 
 
 He came to me to cram me every day for my H. S., 
 One hour each morn and afternoon, occasionally less. 
 At first I liked his coming, for I liked the yarns he spun, 
 Of course in English j very little native " bat " was done. 
 
 We did a little " Forbes," and read " Selections " now and then, 
 Sometimes I scratched a little with the sticks he brought for pen; 
 
 35 
 
36 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 He always brought some new ones, for they always got mislaid, 
 And annas four for each of them Mahomed Deen was paid. 
 
 One day he said, " O Sa'ib, no Oordoo Dictionary got ; 
 Sa'ib buy one at bookseller's, and they charging Sa'ib a lot ; 
 I know where get one plenty cheap, Sa'ib follow my advice, 
 Sa'ib only give me forty rupee, nothing that for price." 
 
 So Moonshee got the forty, and I got an ancient book 
 That oft had cost a forty did I judge it by its look ; 
 And then I made an effort to transcribe to neat Oordoo 
 The scraps of Indian history that from his script he drew. 
 
 I also tried to master what he called a Sepoy's chit, 
 Some hieroglyphs on paper, oh, and such a dirty bit ! 
 That awful roll of chits I loathed, I did upon my soul, 
 It haunts me even now, the thought of that infernal roll ! 
 
 The first from Bux to Chinniah to say his wife was dead ; 
 The next from Klux to Ramiah about the price of bread ; 
 The third from Khan to Pooneah to say he'd left Bombay ; 
 The fourth from Hassan, stating that the Colonel'd cut his 
 pay. 
 
 The fifth, oh, no, I can't ! In fact, I never looked at more. 
 
 I'm sure I never got beyond that entertaining four. 
 
 I said, " It's nonsense, Moonshee, bringing things so vilely 
 
 writ." 
 And then he'd spin a yarn or two, and I would smoking sit. 
 
 Much progress I am fain to say I did not seem to make. 
 I couldn't say three words together minus a mistake. 
 "Sa'ib wanting Sepoy 'nuckul,' Sa'ib one Sepoy man I bring. 
 Sa'ib giving five rupee each time, then talking easy thing." 
 
MY MOONSHEE. 37 
 
 So Sepoys came, and many five rupees my Moonshee took, 
 Until I thought I'd learn it rather cheaper from a book. 
 Besides, they one and all on their domestic matters dwelt, 
 Their " nuckuls " were alike, and oh, they generally smelt ! 
 
 At length I grew so weary of the chits, and books, and talk, 
 That when my lesson hour arrived I sneaked out for a walk ; 
 Or when the Moonshee, waiting on the steps, for Sa'ib inquired, 
 I made my servant say, " Sa'ib sleeping, Sa'ib be plenty tired." 
 
 Thus five months passed. Oh, dear ! those most exhausting 
 
 months of cram ! 
 
 And "very soon," my Moonshee said, "Sa'ib going for Exam." 
 He also said, "Sa'ib, pray excuse, but what will master do, 
 What master giving Moonshee man, if master getting through ? 
 
 " Two hundred fifty rupee, sircar backsheesh, Sa'ib will get ; 
 Sa'ibs always giving Moonshee half got never less, sar, yet. 
 I always coming reg'lar ; teaching good." I stood aghast ; 
 But, yes, I promised half the sircar backsheesh if I passed. 
 
 The time approached. The day before my Moonshee whispered 
 
 low 
 " Sa'ib likely fail translation : brigade clerk poor Moonshee 
 
 know ; 
 
 He keeping printed papers, but he open box for me : 
 Sa'ib giving fifty rupee, Sa'ib perhaps he this agree." 
 
 He got the fifty rupees, and I do confess, he took 
 
 The paper, and we put it into Oordoo like a book ; 
 
 And then he said, " At the exam. Sa'ib talk with Sepoy man, 
 
 One Mussulman, one Hindoo, find those Sepoys Moonshee can ! 
 
38 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 " Sa'ib give me thirty rupee, and what Sepoys warned I learn ; 
 They always taking both from native regiment in its turn ; 
 This time, I think, the sixty-fifth, the office clerk he tell, 
 And then I fetch them ; Sa'ib give clerk fifteen rupee as well." 
 
 I paid. He brought the Sepoys in a gharry very late ; 
 
 They told me, each, the "nuckuls" that to-morrow they'd relate, 
 
 And then they made salaam, and grinned ; and then I heard 
 
 them start 
 To let some other Sa'ibs some other " nuckuls" get by heart. 
 
 The morning dawned. We went, a dozen candidates or so, 
 And in the drear court-martial room they sat us in a row ; 
 A yard between each candidate, to bar one's getting aid, 
 And then before us, each, the bagged translation papers laid. 
 
 I hardly need to state I made a lovely job of these, 
 I almost wished I'd gone in for the highest of degrees. 
 You might perhaps have said that the caligraphy was weak, 
 But, Lord ! the Hindostanee such as Salar Jung might speak ! 
 
 Then followed the confounded chits. I made a mess of two : 
 
 I said to the Examiner, " These chits I cannot do. 
 
 They're scrawls!" Said he, "Oh, never mind; here, try this 
 
 one instead." 
 From Bux (I saw) to Chinniah to say his wife was dead ! 
 
 I read it, galloped through it : I could say it off by heart ! 
 " Thank you," said the Examiner ; " your reading's very smart." 
 How that old chit got there I am not able to reveal : 
 I never asked, but, like the cockatoo, I thought a deal. 
 
 Then came " Selections." These somehow I flopped and floun- 
 dered through : 
 They fortunately set a passage that I partly knew. 
 
MY MOONSHEE. 39 
 
 Then last of all the Sepoy's bat. Thought I, " That's pretty 
 
 square ! " 
 I hardly could refrain from laughing out, I do declare. 
 
 First, enter Hindoo Sepoy. Sure enough, the one I'd seen : 
 I called a silent blessing down on old Mahomed Deen ; 
 Then listened for the "nuckul" that I'd heard but yesternight. 
 The man began I surely could not hear the man aright ! 
 
 I stared at him, and frowned at him. The tale I'd never heard, 
 Of what the fellow said I could not comprehend a word. 
 The frightful truth then burst in all its horrors. Oh, too late ! 
 The stupid idiot took me for another candidate ! 
 
 For someone else the story overnight he had prepared, 
 But something had his recognizing faculties impaired. 
 Twas all u p 'twas clear to me. I would that I could sink ! 
 What does that dear Examiner of all this business think ? 
 
 The tale went on. I could not render e'en a single phrase : 
 I never shall forget my feelings to my dying days. 
 At last I pleaded faintness, sickness, nervousness, what not ? 
 And bolted, cursing Moonshee, Sepoys, all the blessed lot ! 
 
 I did not pass. That fact, perhaps, I hardly need to state. 
 I was an ass to hope I would, and well deserved my fate. 
 But 'mid my woes I had, aha ! the satisfaction mean 
 Of saying, "No backsheesh for you, my friend Mahomed 
 Deen ! " 
 
PERFIDE ALBION. 
 
 (A hitherto unwritten chapter of Oriental history.) 
 
 DID you e'er meet a Gaul, patriotic in ton, 
 Who didn't call England " perfide Albion" t 
 If you haven't as yet, you are certain to hear him 
 Whenever you mention the taking of Perim. 
 This Perim's an island 
 Devoid of a tree, 
 40 
 
PERFIDE ALBION. \\ 
 
 A baked bit of dry land 
 
 Below the Red Sea. 
 No Government owned it 
 
 A few years ago, 
 Till Great Britain boned it, 
 
 As soon I shall show. 
 It's dreadfully rocky, and frightfully hot ; 
 And out of it not e'en a weed's to be got ; 
 In fact, upon islands at large it's a blot ; 
 And I'd rather be shot 
 Than be told that my lot 
 Was to dwell on that desolate, desolate spot. 
 
 But it stands in a strait at the Red Sea's mouth, 
 
 Commanding the passage or north or south ; 
 
 And should matters in Eastern parts ever be critical, 
 
 Perim might prove of some value political. 
 
 At all events, this was the statesmanlike view 
 
 That was taken by each diplomatic Mossoo. 
 
 " Ne possedent ils pas Aden, ces Anglais, mon Dieu ! 
 
 Oui ; nous aurons Perim. Pourquoinon? Sacre'bleu!" 
 
 This was what the bureaux designate une idee, 
 And the next thing to do was to make it unfait. 
 That's the usual course in affairs Continental, 
 So why not adopt it in things Oriental ? 
 
 " Ces Anglais" might swear, 
 
 Crying out 'twas unfair, 
 
 And a robbery bare ; 
 
 And The Times in a leader might offer a prayer 
 For a country so greedy and mad as to dare 
 
42 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 To maraud in the East, for the world was aware 
 That the East was Old England's peculiar care ; 
 And The Times, as The Times, would have Frenchmen 
 
 beware, 
 
 For that Perim might prove, after all, but a snare, 
 Entailing an outlay they couldn't well spare ; 
 That France had already far more than her share 
 
 Bourbon, Pondicherry, and Chandernagore 
 And 'twas monstrous to think she could want any more; 
 That other encumbrance might drain, couldn't better her, 
 And the sooner she dropped it etcaetera, etcaetera. 
 
 Thus argued Mossoo 
 
 That Old England would do ; 
 
 But he added a pregnant corollary too : 
 " Let her talk if she likes, 
 She looks fierce, never strikes, 
 
 For John Bull is the servant of Mr. Bill Sikes. 
 
 She may swagger, and bluster, and warn us, but we 
 
 Will inform her the thing is a fait accompli; 
 And you'll probably see 
 
 That, although very hurt, 
 She will let matters be, 
 And will swallow the dirt." 
 
 The project thus having been carefully hatched, 
 " Vn ordre" was to Bourbon or somewhere dispatched, 
 Telling Monsieur le Chef to send off a fast frigate 
 To Perim, and, ere that the British could twig it, 
 To hoist the French drapeau upon it, and prig it. 
 
 So a frigate was sent 
 
 With this wicked intent. 
 
PER FIDE ALBION. 43 
 
 And with gaudy new drapeaux was heavily laden ; 
 
 And the ship on her way 
 
 Just put in for a day 
 At the British adjacent possession of Aden. 
 
 Now, of course, what the role 
 She should play, or the goal 
 She'd in view, not a soul 
 On this freebooting ship 
 Gave the slenderest tip ; 
 She might have been trying to find the South Pole. 
 
 The sailors were feted, 
 
 And some got elated, 
 And Frenchmen and Englishmen a-malgamated ; 
 
 But never a word 
 
 Of their mission was heard ; 
 
 And this silence you'll think neither strange nor absurd, 
 When I tell you they none of them knew. It was wrapped in 
 The innermost cell in the breast of the Captain. 
 The name of this Captain was Frangois de Bonheur, 
 Of, I hardly need say so, the legion tfhonneur ; 
 And our Gov'nor's name was Sir John Thomas, he 
 Being, fa va sans dire, a distinguished C.B., 
 The latter invited the Captain to dine, 
 And placed on his board some uncommon good wine. 
 
 Now, whether 'twas due to the port or the sherry, 
 
 Or high-seasoned fare, 
 
 Or British "portare," 
 
 Or the tropical air, 
 
 I cannot declare ; 
 But somehow or other they grew pretty merry. 
 
44 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 Sir John Thomas, rising, rejoiced beyond measure, 
 In fact it was hard to express all his pleasure, 
 
 To see at his table, 
 
 So gallant and able, 
 
 So brave and devoted, 
 
 So noble and noted, 
 
 A sailor of France as the guest on his right. 
 And he felt, with a kind of prophetic foresight, 
 That the object, he hoped they'd excuse the remark, 
 The object they kept so remarkably dark 
 Be it fishing for turtles, or finding new seas, 
 Or searching the East for proscribed refugees, 
 Or trying a gun on some beggarly village, 
 Or practising hands at a wee bit of pillage, 
 Would, unless some unfortunate accident dished it, 
 Be crowned with the thorough success that he wished it. 
 
 Then the gallant Mossoo, 
 
 With his hand on his star, 
 Said " I tank you, parbleu ! 
 Varee moash, de ma part ; 
 C'est' defendu de dire 
 
 Ce que nous allons faire, 
 J'ai jure par 1'Empire 
 
 Ma patrie, et ma mere, 
 
 " Mais "... perhaps 'twas the port had relaxed his discretion ; 
 Perhaps he conceived 
 We'd be better deceived 
 
 By a make-show of candour, a touch of confession ; 
 Perhaps he felt sure 'twas too late in the day 
 To matter if now he disclosed le secret; 
 However it came about, this much is certain, 
 He raised for a moment a bit of the curtain. 
 
PERFIDE ALBION. 45 
 
 For he went on to say, 
 
 In a nonchalant way, 
 
 That although 'tvvasn't proper to flash his objef, 
 He was bound, in his quest of it, up the Red Sea, 
 To some place which was only conjectured to be ; 
 That he hadn't in view any war or alliance, 
 That his mission was purely connected with science ; 
 And that simply to fill up a page in his log, 
 And look at a shore which to him was incog., 
 He intended to order his master to steer him, 
 En passant, quite close to the island of Perim. 
 
 Then he grew sentimental, and red in the face, 
 
 And smothered an ALde-de-Camp in an embrace, 
 
 And swore he thought Aden a glorious place, 
 
 And kissed "Sir Jhon Thomars" (who made a grimace), 
 
 And called that brave soldier a vare joli tar, 
 
 And wound it all up with a " heep heep hourrah ! " 
 
 At the mention of Perim, Sir John nearly rose 
 
 From his chair, but recovered by blowing his nose. 
 
 He blew it a good twenty minutes at least, 
 
 And appeared to have done himself good when he ceased. 
 
 For there seemed something like to a wink in his eye, 
 
 As he whispered some words to an Aide sitting by ; 
 
 Which Aide, when he heard, looked half funny, half grave, 
 
 As a man meditating a pun or a shave ; 
 
 Stole a glance at the Captain, then one at Sir John, 
 
 Then seemed most intently the ceiling to con ; 
 
 Then stared in his wine-glass right down to the bottom, 
 
 As though there were flies in his wine, he'd got 'em ; 
 
 Then fidgeted, jerkily looking behind, 
 
 As if to skedaddle occurred to his mind ; 
 
46 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 Then, finally, vanished in haste from his chair, 
 As if he'd the tooth-ache, or needed fresh air. 
 When he got well outside, 
 Where the darkness could hide, 
 He walked down the hill out of sound of the revel. 
 There his cap up he shied, 
 And he laughed till he cried. 
 
 Then he took to his legs, and he ran like the D . . . 1 
 Ran till he stood, void of breath, on the poop 
 Of a nice little tight little British war-sloop ; 
 And the message he gave, amid roars, to the skipper. 
 Was, just as that worthy expressed it, a clipper. 
 The night was still young when the snug little ship 
 Left Aden, as on some mysterious trip ; 
 And the Aide saw the Rock sinking down to a speck, 
 As he danced an expressive pas seul on the deck. 
 
 The feed came, of course, like all feeds, to a close. 
 Potations concluded, the Frenchmen all rose. 
 There were farewells ecstatic, embracings convulsive, 
 
 And kisses eugh ! slobberings, that is the word : 
 Sir John thought Le Capitaine highly repulsive, 
 
 Le Capitaine thought Sir John highly absurd ; 
 But they hugged and they shrugged, 
 
 And they parted in sorrow, 
 
 And spoke very huskily both of the morrow, 
 As if it would dawn on twin hearts rudely cleft, 
 And it wasn't all humbug and over the left. 
 
 Well, the morrow did dawn, and the jaunty French ship 
 At the first streak of light gave her moorings the slip. 
 De Bonheur arose too betimes from his bed, 
 With a dolorous sense of possessing a head. 
 
PER FIDE ALBION. 47 
 
 But he said lo himself as he fixed his two eyes on 
 The island of Perim, just on the horizon 
 " Sir John Thomars, when he shall hear of my prize, 
 Will possess a head too, and will flatter my eyes." 
 
 Then his sabre he buckled, 
 
 And swaggered and chuckled, 
 And got the new drapeaux all out of the hold, 
 
 And ordered the gunners 
 
 To fire off some stunners, 
 That the glory of France might be properly told. 
 
 Soon the desolate shore 
 
 Topped the waves more and more, 
 
 Till the land, red and bare 
 
 In the pitiless glare, 
 
 Became clear to the view 
 
 Of the gallant Mossoo. 
 
 He balanced himself with his glass and looked out ; 
 And, after a pause, put it down as in doubt. 
 Looked again : took his monchoir and polished the lens ; 
 Looked again : pitched it down and took one of his men's ; 
 Looked again : blew his nose, rubbed his eyes, and once 
 
 more 
 
 Took a long steady look same result as before ; 
 Laid it down, put his hands in his pockets, and swore. 
 He sacre-bleu-t& awful a minute or so, 
 And tapped at his brow, as he paced to and fro, 
 As if he half dreaded his brains had got loose, 
 Or some fiend with his vision was playing the deuce. 
 At length somewhat calmed, he returned to the charge, 
 This time with a telescope wonderfully large. 
 He looked : let it fall ; stared to landward a bit 
 With protruding blank eyes, and fell down in a fit. 
 
48 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 And now, gentle reader, it's time that you knew 
 What horrors had burst on Le Capitaine's view. 
 On a ridge on the island, which highest appeared, 
 A pretty tall flagstaff was solidly reared. 
 So tall 'twould have certainly shamed all the trees 
 Had there been any there ; and afloat on the breeze 
 Streamed the swelling expanse of the glorious old flag, 
 Which English affection and slang calls " the Rag ; " 
 While beneath, hat in hand, were a group of Jack tars, 
 Engaged evidently in shouting hurrahs ; 
 And astride on a rock, 'neath an umbrella's shade, 
 Like the sprite of the scene, our acquaintance the Aide. 
 Thus Perim was won, 
 And thus Frenchmen were done, 
 And if a bit shabby, 
 'Twas very good fun. 
 
THE CONTENTED SUB. 
 
 WHEN the island of Perim became British soil, 
 Many pounds on a lighthouse were spent ; 
 
 And to show British power, and replenish the oil, 
 A sub., and some Sepoys were sent. 
 
 But Perim is lonely, and barren, and hot, 
 
 Not a vestige of life in the place ; 
 And many who've seen it consider the spot 
 
 A blotch upon Nature's face. 
 
 So the duty, though simple enough of its kind, 
 
 Wasn't fancied as much as might be. 
 Sub. the first sub. the second went out of his mind, 
 
 Sub. the third drank himself to D. T. 
 
 Sub. the fourth, finding Christmas unbearably slow, 
 Very nigh brought his prospects to grief, 
 
 By signalling " stop" to the mail P. and O., 
 And asking for " pudding and beef." 
 
 'Twas resolved then to send off a pair at a time ; 
 
 But, once tried, 'twas abandoned as cruel ; 
 For monotony drove them to quarrel and crime, 
 
 And they slaughtered themselves in a duel. 
 
 49 E 
 
50 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 The Gov'nor of Aden, he raved and he stormed, 
 
 His mind with perplexity laden. 
 " A duty's a duty, and must be performed, 
 
 But how?" cried the Gov'nor of Aden. 
 
 " I don't like dispatching young subs, to their graves ; 
 
 Still, a duty's a duty, they'll own : 
 So send to ... that little place over the waves 
 
 Lieutenant MacOdic' Alloan." 
 
 Lieutenant MacOdic' Alloan very soon 
 
 Took command of the feeders of oil ; 
 And the Gov'nor wondered, as moon -after moon 
 
 Found MacOdic' Alloan at his toil. 
 
 And he wondered the more when a letter from Mac 
 
 Informed that, so far from disliking 
 The post, he'd at present no wish to come back, 
 
 And considered the scenery striking. 
 
 "By Gad!" cried the Governor, chuckling, "at last 
 We have got the right man, I should say ; 
 
 And what's more, as he likes it, we'll keep him there fast 
 As long as the beggar will stay." 
 
 At the end of six months or so Mac again wrote, 
 
 "That he liked his retreat even more. 
 He could never again take to collar or coat, 
 
 And trousers would prove a sad bore. 
 
 " He'd no letters to answer, no duns to cajole, 
 
 No visits, no ponderous feeds, 
 No trouble but now and then calling the roll, 
 
 And the rest of the day to his weeds 
 
THE CONTENTED SUB. 
 
 " Lounging about in a jolly long laze, 
 
 Very like lotus-eating, in fact." 
 Said the Gov'nor "As long as it suits him, he stays, 
 
 But I'm hanged if I don't think he's cracked." 
 
 Another six months, and a letter that said 
 
 That Lieutenant MacOdic' Alloan 
 Was quite ready to stop a successor instead, 
 
 So attached to the island he'd grown. 
 
 "Oh, pray let him stop," roared the Gov'nor, "the muff 
 
 A successor'd be awkward to find. 
 Some day, I suppose, he'll be crying ' Enough ! ' 
 
 I wish they were all of his mind." 
 
 So MacOdic' Alloan stopped a couple of years, 
 "Which," he wrote, "had too rapidly fled." 
 
 And now very strong grew the Governor's fears 
 That the lad must be wrong in his head. 
 
 And they grew and they grew till he swore by the Lord 
 That the youth must be mad as a hatter ; 
 
 And he sent off to Perim a medical board 
 To see him and settle the matter. 
 
 To Perim the cargo of doctors soon ran, 
 
 But they found not a trace of the sub. 
 He'd been living, this very contented young man, 
 
 At home, for two years, at his club ! 
 
THE TANK TRAGEDY. 
 
 COLONEL WHITE was over forty ; 
 
 Jane, his bride, was seventeen ; 
 She was also very naughty, 
 
 For she loved a Captain Green ! 
 
 Colonel White was hale and hearty, 
 
 Men are so at forty-nine ; 
 But he was a solemn party, 
 
 And he drank a deal of wine : 
 52 
 
THE TANK TRAGEDY. 53 
 
 Every evening, at dinner, 
 
 Colonel White would tipple deep, 
 And that pretty little sinner 
 
 Let her Johnny fall asleep ; 
 
 Then beyond the dark verandah, 
 
 In a shady nook unseen, 
 She would folly and philander 
 
 With the wicked Captain Green. 
 
 She would tell her darling Gussy 
 
 How that " sleepy grunting brute " 
 Called her a disgraceful hussy 
 
 When she tried a mild cheroot ! 
 
 How, when once the corps dramatic 
 
 Of the Station sought her aid 
 Asked her in the Dream Ecstatic 
 
 To enact the Frenzied Maid 
 
 He, the monster, in a passion, 
 
 Swore he wouldn't let her play 
 Said play-going was a fashion 
 
 Damnable in every way : 
 
 He, for one, had no intention 
 
 Men on her their eyes should feast 
 In a way he wouldn't mention 
 
 (" Gussy, wasn't he a beast ? ") 
 
 How he'd not permit her dancing 
 
 Anything but dances square 
 Called the rest all " devil's prancing " 
 
 (" Gussy, isn't he a bear ? ") 
 
54 LAYS OF 2ND. 
 
 How he chid her when she joked him, 
 Slapped her when she didn't heed, 
 
 And whenever she provoked him, 
 
 Pulled her hair (" he did indeed ! ") 
 
 Beat her with the backs of brushes, 
 Made her sleep upon the floor 
 
 On the cruel China rushes 
 
 ("Gussy, shall I tell you more?") 
 
 How he held the taunt above her 
 " If you wish it, cut and run ! " 
 
 How there was no one to love her 
 (" Gussy, is there any one ? '') 
 
 Gussy's answer may be guessed at 
 But, for that delicious hint 
 
 She so skilfully finessed at, 
 Gussy had a heart of flint. 
 
 Gussy he had no objection 
 To destroy another's wife, 
 
 But a permanent connection 
 " Quite absurd, upon my life ! " 
 
 Mistress White she had an ayah 
 " Do whatever Missis please ; 
 
 Missis send her letters by her, 
 Missis only give rupees. 
 
 " Master Green, he handsome master 
 Plenty fun-fun, plenty spend 
 
 Never know him when he passed her 
 Always be that master's friend ! " 
 
THE TANK TRAGEDY. 
 
 55 
 
 Once that ayah stole a jewel, 
 And her mistress " Ayah say 
 
 Missis very, very cruel ! " 
 
 Fined her half her monthly pay. 
 
 That same day, as black as thunder 
 Was the solemn Colonel's brow ; 
 
 And his little wife did wonder 
 What on earth could be the row. 
 
 " Was he cross, the dear old monny ? 
 
 Was he feeling rather queer ? 
 You'll be better, darling Johnny, 
 
 When you've had your dinner, dear." 
 
 Then she laid her hand so chubby 
 On his neck, caressing much ; 
 
 And she felt her dear old hubby 
 Shiver underneath the touch. 
 
56 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 " Darling Johnny, this is fever ; 
 
 You had better go to bed." 
 And that elegant deceiver 
 
 Kissed her Johnny's grizzly head. 
 
 Johnny bore the sweet caresses 
 Simply said, " I'm rather weak," 
 
 While, unseen amid her tresses, 
 Stole a tear adown his cheek. 
 
 Dinner came. The Colonel liquored 
 From the beaker with the lid ; 
 
 But somehow his eyeballs flickered 
 Sooner than they mostly did. 
 
 Murmured she " He's weakly, surely 
 Something's put him wrong to-day ! " 
 
 Then the eyelids closed securely, 
 And the Colonel snored away ; 
 
 One of them just opened slightly 
 
 As the lady softly rose : 
 Pish ! 'twas merely an unsightly 
 
 Bluebottle upon his nose. 
 
 Swiftly through the dark verandah 
 Flew she to the nook unseen, 
 
 There to folly and philander 
 With the wicked Captain Green. 
 
 " Dearest Gussy, darling, duckey, 
 
 I am weary of the strife ! 
 If you love me, and are plucky, 
 
 Take me from this wretched life ! " 
 
THE TANK TRAGEDY. 57 
 
 "Jane, you turn me tipsy-topsy ! 
 
 What's this nonsense in your head ? 
 Think, my precious popsy-wopsy, 
 
 Only think what would be said ! " 
 
 " Do you wish, then, to forsa'ke me ? " 
 
 " Poppet, can you have a doubt ? " 
 " Gussy, then, oh, why not take me ? " 
 
 " 'Cos my wife is coming out ! " 
 
 " Married ? Oh, you base deceiver ! 
 
 Monster ! married all the time ! 
 Wife ? Oh, heavens ! how "'twould grieve her 
 
 If she only knew your crime ! 
 
 " Can you have a heart, you coward, 
 
 Thus to blast her happiness ? " 
 Captain Green's dark eyebrows lowered 
 
 " This," said he, " 's a tidy mess ! 
 
 " But, my dearest, recollect, pray, 
 
 You have done the same as I ; 
 Does your Johnny quite expect, pray, 
 
 You are here ? My love, good-bye ! " 
 
 " Hold ! " behind them cried the Colonel 
 
 Captain Green he started back - 
 " You're a villain most infernal ! }} 
 
 And the rest was, whack ! whack ! whack ! 
 
 In the morn, what did they see, oh ! 
 Near a soft and sloping bank. 
 
58 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 But that most unlucky trio, 
 Drowm/ed in an open tank ! 
 
 Servants said before a jury 
 
 That they heard a fearful crash, 
 
 Screams for mercy, cries of fury, 
 And at last a horrid splash ! 
 
 In the struggle they had stumbled 
 Over that inviting bank, 
 
 And the three together tumbled 
 Headlong in the fatal tank ! 
 
 MORAL. 
 
 He who steals a woman's honour 
 Is the lowest sort of thief; 
 
 Brings all sorts of sorrows on her, 
 And is bound to come to grief. 
 
 She who has a trusting hubby, 
 And betrays that hubby's trust, 
 
 Does an action very scrubby, 
 And her punishment is just. 
 
 He who nails his home's destroyer, 
 Should not think of using force, 
 
 But at once consult a lawyer 
 That is much the safer course ! 
 
"HUMAYSCHA AGE JAO!" 
 
 (Anglice " Move on ! '') 
 HUMPTEE DUMPTEE FRUMTEE CHUNDRER 
 
 Was a Brahmin most profound, 
 And he was a sullen wond'rer 
 At the march of things around. 
 
 Modern ways approve he couldn't 
 
 Progress was a hateful word ; 
 Understand the times he wouldn't 
 
 Such a thing was too absurd ! 
 
 Had he not the sacred Vedas ? 
 Had he not the Shastras too ? 
 
 Were they not unerring leaders, 
 Telling all a man should do ? 
 
 Weren't reformers open haters, 
 Mockers of the saintly past ? 
 
 Cursed be all innovators, 
 
 Breaking down the wall of caste ! 
 
 Cursed those Feringhee teachers, 
 
 With their education grants ! 
 What know they, those progress preachers, 
 
 Of the Hindoo and his wants ? 
 59 
 
6o LAYS OF IND. 
 
 Cursed thrice those base sectarians 
 Of the new Brahmo Somaj ! 
 
 Setting man and man at variance, 
 Saying " God's maidan is large : 
 
 " Men may worship God together, 
 Though they've not the self-same creed 
 
 Differ, yet agree ; " the tether 
 They would give is wide indeed ! 
 
 " Men are brotners let's acknowledge 
 Brotherhood with other men : " 
 
 This is what they learn at college 
 This is what says Chundrer Sen ! 
 
 Baboo Humbul Bumbul Bender 
 Also was a Brahmin warm ; 
 
 But he was a staunch defender 
 Of the progress of reform. 
 
 He and Chundrer, when the trouble 
 Of the busy day was o'er, 
 
 Smoked their evening hubble-bubble 
 Sitting at the open door 
 
 Chatting, free from heat and worry, 
 Mostly of the current price 
 
 Tradesmen asked for flour and curry, 
 And the second sort of rice ; 
 
 Sometimes, too, of graver matters- 
 Caste, religion, and the rest, 
 
HUM A YSCHA A GE JA ! " 6 1 
 
 And they grew as mad as hatters 
 At the views they heard expressed. 
 
 Once they threatened one another's 
 
 Ruin in a tragic way : 
 Bender saying, " Men are brothers ! " 
 
 Made it up the following day. 
 
 " Chundrer," said one night the latter, 
 
 " I a widow mean to wed." 
 " Something, then, must be the matter 
 
 With your senses," Chundrer said. 
 
 " Caste, you know/s a stern forbidder 
 
 Of such ill-assorted ties : 
 He who goes and weds a widder, 
 
 God and man alike defies. 
 
 " You'll be excommunicated, 
 And the doom will serve you right ! " 
 
 Bender said, " The case you've stated 
 True to your degree of light ; 
 
 " But there is a class of thinkers 
 
 Growing up among our race, 
 Who would tear aside the blinkers 
 
 Caste has fastened to our face ; 
 
 " Men who hold the law of reason 
 
 Is a holier law than caste 
 Think that it has had its season, 
 
 And must yield its grip at last. 
 
62 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 " Times are changed, and civilization 
 Now begins to work its way ; 
 
 We've discovered that stagnation 
 Isn't quite the thing to pay. 
 
 " Don't you know, obstructive fellow, 
 What's the cry in India now ? 
 
 To remind you, I will tell you 
 'Tis ' Humayscha agejao /' " 
 
 " These are notions simply childish \ " 
 Answered Chundrer, waxing wroth ; 
 
 And his eye looked rather wildish 
 As he gathered up his cloth : 
 
 " You a Brahmin ? You're a traitor ! 
 Wed your widow if you choose 
 
 Take her, learn to loathe and hate her ! 
 Cursed be your very shoes ! " 
 
 Saying this, he kicked the slippers 
 Where the nasty gutter flows, 
 
 While the other's hands, like nippers, 
 Fastened on to Chundrer's nose ! 
 
 Screeching, tearing one another's 
 Linen much, they fought away 
 
 Going it like men and brothers, 
 Till a bobby stopped the fray, 
 
 Drove them to the chowkee station, 
 Charged with kicking up a row, 
 
 And to every protestation 
 
 Simply answered, " Age jao !" 
 
THE LETTER FROM HOME. 
 
 ANOTHER to add to the cherished pile ! 
 
 One echo more from the far-off isle ! 
 
 May the hand that penned thee be spared to twine 
 
 Lovingly once again in mine. 
 
 The mother's writing ! my hide is tough. 
 And the road of life has been somewhat rough, 
 The fount of my tears, one would think, were dry, 
 But it always brings a mist to my eye. 
 
 For a letter from her is a murmur of love, 
 A gentle message, as from above, 
 A sweet pure breath, 'mid the world's foul strife, 
 Laden with good and hallowing life. 
 
64 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 How well I remember the first she sent, 
 Written, I fancy, the night I went ; 
 The anguish the courage the tender care 
 The fond ambition the blessing the prayer ! 
 
 It is many a year since that page was stirred, 
 But I've got" it by heart, each line, each word ; 
 And it often rouses regrets that are vain, 
 And makes me wish I'd my time again. 
 
 And this the latest ! I see her sitting, 
 The lamp green-shaded, the fire flame flitting ; 
 The Dad in his deep old-fashioned chair, 
 Asleep, with his spectacles up in his hair ; 
 
 The half- read journal across his knees ; 
 Old " Crib " on the hearth-rug taking his ease ; 
 The tea-things under the urn, hard by, 
 Singing a sort of lullaby. 
 
 With her hand to her brow, and a stool at her feet, 
 
 She sits at her desk, all trim and neat. 
 
 Slowly, sedately, she fills the page, 
 
 And she writes a wonderful hand for her age. 
 
 And when she has given her soul to the ink, 
 She leans herself back, and seems to think. 
 Her lips just move, and her eyes are aglow, 
 And a tear drops on to the sheet below. 
 
 Then she chides herself for becoming so sad, 
 And calls in a cheery tone to the Dad, 
 Saying his love is as usual sent ? 
 And he nods his head, to express content. 
 
THE LETTER FROM HOME. 65 
 
 She is closing the letter the cover is there, 
 When a step is heard outside on the stair, 
 And with cheeks all rosy, and shining skin, 
 Old Parkes, the butler, comes softly in. 
 
 He knows at a glance, while he makes the tea, 
 That the mother's been writing to none but me ; 
 And he whispers, passing behind her back, 
 " Respects, if you please, m'm, to Mister Jack." 
 
 Yes there are the words in their own P.S., 
 Simple enough, but welcome no less ; 
 Familiar, perhaps, for a serving-man, 
 But we'd better take love in what guise we can. 
 
 It tells, this letter, the love oft-told, 
 
 But the writing is hardly so firm as of old. 
 
 It breaks upon me the more I look : 
 
 The hand, I'm afraid, not the table, shook. 
 
 It is what, I suppose, one is bound to expect, 
 But it gives a shock when we first detect ; 
 And it wrings a man, when he's tied to a land 
 Where he's thousands of miles away from the hand. 
 
 The hand ! whose lingering touch is still 
 
 Felt in mine with a fancied thrill : 
 
 The hand that caressed from the hour of my birch ! 
 
 There are only two others as dear on earth. 
 
CARDOZO, THE HALF-CASTE. 
 
 EMANUEL CARDOZO kept a beer store in Madras ; 
 He sold it casked and bottled, and he sold it by the glass ; 
 He also sold tinned sausages, and hams, and marmalade ; 
 Moreover turned an honest penny in the blacking trade. 
 
 In course of time he gave to his transactions wider scope, 
 
 He dealt in hair-pins, calico, in crockery and soap, 
 
 In boots and shoes, in hats and gloves, in walking-sticks, and 
 
 socks, 
 
 Arid, later on, he blossomed into chandeliers and clocks. 
 
 63 
 
CARDOZO, THE HALF-CASTE. 67 
 
 His shop, in fact, in Blacktown soon the leading shop became, 
 You'd hardly fail to purchase there a thing that you could name. 
 To it, alike to buy or lounge, the world Madrassee went, 
 And sleek Cardozo bowed and smiled, and made his cent, per 
 cent. 
 
 And straightway he invested in a big barouche and pair, 
 
 And in the " People's Park " at even ate the dusty air. 
 
 He was a sight to see, as with his sisters three he sat ; 
 
 And oh, his native coachman ! oh, the breeches, boots, and hat ! 
 
 Tis time, perhaps, I should essay to give a sketch of him. 
 Black eyes and hair, white gleaming teeth, black whiskers curled 
 
 and trim, 
 
 A cunning smile, a shiny tile, a frock coat tight and spruce, 
 And hue of cheeks like blood contending hard with walnut juice. 
 
 His sisters three were decked in silk most gorgeous to behold : 
 The blaze of colour almost made you blink, as by they rolled. 
 Great lustrous eyes, and shadowy brows, black crimpy piles of hair, 
 Complexions well, you scarce could tell for powder, I declare. 
 
 Three times the gaudy equipage would circle round the band, 
 Then, where the crush was thickest, would draw up and take its 
 
 stand ; 
 
 While on the cushioned seat Cardozo'd loll and look about, 
 And think, " You English lady swells, some day I'll pay you out ! 
 
 " You buy my goods, you paupers proud, and when I send my 
 bill, 
 
 You call it impudence, and say you'll settle when you will ; 
 
 You bate my price and beat me down, and, now you're canter- 
 ing past, 
 
 You turn your heads away, and say, ' Cardozo, the Half-Caste.' 
 
68 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 " Half-caste, indeed ! I've blood in me that you'd be glad to own. 
 Cardozo's deeds in Seville are of course to you unknown. 
 The sunny South has giv'n an olive tinge to all my race. 
 You think all men are half-caste who have olive in the face. 
 
 "You scorn the colour of my cheeks, but if I'm rightly told, 
 
 You'd not object so strongly to the colour of my gold. 
 
 I see around me even here what the rupee can do, 
 
 And one of these fine days, my dears, I'll marry one of you ! " 
 
 Time passed. Cardozo richer grew, and one succeeding May 
 He took a passage, first-class, P. and O., and sailed away. 
 He kissed his sisters, saying he'd be quickly back again. 
 Somehow he didn't book himself for any port in Spain ! 
 
 He booked him for Southampton. I suppose he didn't care 
 For his grand Seville connections, with their stiff patrician air. 
 One's kin are often chilly, when one's been an exile long. 
 He thought he'd like a spree in London, and its giddy throng. 
 
 He had a spree in London. " De " Cardozo sounded fair ; 
 And gold will buy a deal within a mile of Leicester Square. 
 He did the theatres, music halls, the Crystal Palace oh ! 
 At the sight of the Alhambra how his Spanish blood would glow ! 
 
 He also did the Park, and, yes, why should I blush to say ? 
 To drawing-rooms in Eaton Square he managed an entree. 
 A " De" 's a " De" and gold is gold, and his he freely spent, 
 And people didn't ask him for the proofs of his descent. 
 
 His " type " was so " Castilian," and his manners were " so nice," 
 His olive hue was " charming ; " no one thought of liquorice ; 
 His accent was "so taking," and his singing was "so sweet," 
 To hear him talk of Anglo-Indians really was a treat ! 
 
CARDOZO, THE HALF-CASTE. 69 
 
 One lovely widow nearly fell a victim to his wiles, 
 
 His Spanish blood, his gleaming teeth, his presents, and his 
 
 smiles ; 
 
 He actually meant to pop the question, when, alas ! 
 She said she had a brother in a regiment at Madras ! 
 
 That lady, I need hardly say, was left a widow still. 
 
 Next day he summoned up " mine host " and paid his little 
 
 bill, 
 
 And, thinking it were prudent to levant to pastures new, 
 He went to Southsea, there to try what Spanish blood would 
 
 do. 
 
 Extremely well it did indeed in that amphibious town 
 The " merchant prince from India " decidedly went down : 
 At yachting parties, picnics, at the Rink, upon the pier, 
 To see the ladies smile at him was exquisitely queer. 
 
 It chanced a country parson Smith was lodging in the place, 
 And Smith a daughter Fanny had, with a seraphic face. 
 Cardozo met her picnicing, and Cupid's little dart 
 Forthwith made deadly practice at Cardozo's Spanish heart. 
 
 Thought he, " So fair a creature in Madras will make a hit. 
 Ah ! contumelious ladies there, just wait a little bit ! 
 Perhaps it will occur to you next time you canter past 
 That ladies, white as you, don't spurn Cardozo, the Half-Caste. 
 
 " She shall be mine ! " he swore. And so he wooed the maid 
 
 forthwith, 
 
 And mentioned his intentions to the country parson, Smith. 
 And Smith, at once conferring on the matter with his wife, 
 Said, " Here's a chance for Fanny's being settled well in life ! " 
 
70 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 I ought to state, par parenthese, that Smith had daughters eight, 
 
 And how to settle half of them was a quandary great. 
 
 So now a wealthy suitor asked permission one to win, 
 
 They thanked the Lord, and were not over-squeamish as to skin. 
 
 In fine, 'twas settled even to the day and wedding cake ; 
 And Fanny wrote and asked " The Queen " what dresses she 
 
 should take; 
 
 When an unwelcome personage appeared upon the scene, 
 Lieutenant Smith, a cousin, who to India had been ! 
 
 To think that he just now on native soil should set his feet ! 
 A youth who knew Blacktown as well as we know Regent Street ! 
 And, knowing Blacktown well, knew well its merchant prince, 
 
 its pride, 
 Aha ! Cardozo twice had run him in for "goods supplied" ! 
 
 Why loiter o'er the sequel ? nay, suffice it to relate, 
 Cardozo never tried again with white to link his fate. 
 He found imposture awkward, though sometimes it does go down, 
 And thought it best again to be the tradesman in Blacktown. 
 
 There, steadily, as heretofore, he opens out his trade ; 
 And now you'll get a tunic there, if you are not afraid. 
 And, lately, in the People's Park, the ladies cantering past 
 Remarked a half-caste bride with him, Cardozo, the Half-Caste I 
 
RAJAH KISTNAMAH HOWDIE DOO. 
 
 IN a region of Ind where they talk Tclugu, 
 Ruled a Rajah, one Kistnamah Howdie Doo. 
 His lamented decease, be it known, took place 
 In the opening part of this year of grace ; 
 So, lest that his mem'ry should not be rewarded 
 By being by Bell or J. Marshman recorded, 
 I think it is proper to take up my pen 
 And inscribe him among my remarkable men, 
 Whereby the renown that will cling to my Rajah, 
 Who richly deserves it, of course will be larger. 
 71 
 
72 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 This Prince, then, was one of those natives enlightened 
 Who Britons would be, if their faces were whitened. 
 
 He'd a soft pleasant mien, 
 
 And his habits were clean ; 
 
 He eschewed chewing chillies, or betel, or bhang; 
 He talked English well, with a Telugu twang, 
 And was vastly proficient in drawing-room slang ; 
 He had crossed " the black water," old England to " do," 
 And had come back adept in the use of the cue, 
 
 With photos, and " billies," 
 And bundles of hair 
 
 (Chiefly false) pretty sillies 
 Had given him there, 
 Those sillies who somehow feel so sentimental 
 The moment they meet with a rich Oriental. 
 He could polka and galop with ease and with skill, 
 And was thoroughly versed in the modern quadrille ; 
 'Twas whispered he even had mastered in France 
 The graces and steps of its national dance ; 
 
 He played on the flute, 
 
 And he wore a tweed suit, 
 And his slipper had long given place to a boot. 
 
 He was sharp at affairs ; his extensive dominions 
 
 Were really a model Raj, 
 His ministers men of progressist opinions, 
 
 And ditto his subjects at large ; 
 He published reports of his administration, 
 From which you could judge of the strides that his nation 
 Was making in wealth and in civilization : 
 
 Vaccination was all the go 
 
 There wasn't a pockmark on high or low ; 
 
RAJAH KISTNAMAH HOW DIE BOO. 73 
 
 In every district a Health Commission 
 Examined every soul, 
 
 Quite irrespective of age or position 
 The unit was nil to the whole ; 
 
 Every town had its municipality, 
 
 Marked for its zeal and immense liberality ; 
 Riot and crime 
 Were exiinct some time, 
 And misdemeanours were on the decrease, 
 Thanks to a truly efficient police ; 
 The current coin was a mohur in gold ; 
 TJ easury notes at a premium sold ; 
 And the curious thronged the museums, to see 
 Specimens of the antique rupee ; 
 Railways by hundreds were being constructed ; 
 Women by thousands were being instructed, 
 And widows, no longer a scorn and dismay, 
 Were the rage, beyond doubt, with \htjeunesst doree; 
 The country was covered with cotton and flax, 
 And the farmers were fond of the income-tnx ; 
 Each regiment was lodged in a six storied barrack, 
 And soldiers no more were consumers of arrack ; 
 In fact, it was hard to discover a blot, 
 Or any advantage this country had not ; 
 For which our good Rajah received, at our hands, 
 An assurance he'd not be deprived of his lands, 
 A breech-loading carbine, a steam-working toy, 
 And a mark of esteem from our Lord Viceroy, 
 Who said he was foremost of India's sons, 
 And allowed him a hundred and seventy guns ! 
 
74 
 
 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 Our Rajah, though versed in the arts of the West 
 (I wish I could say he'd selected the best), 
 Though British in many respects, as I've shown, 
 In some little matters was black to the bone : 
 He loved the said guns 
 Nigh as much as his sons ; 
 He was fond of display 
 In a barbaric way, 
 Lots of menials of State, 
 Very greedy of batta. 
 To sic at his gate, 
 
 Swagger, quarrel, and chatter ; 
 Crowds of pension-receivers, 
 
 From beggars to priests, 
 All devoted believers, 
 
 And, some of them, beasts ; 
 Dancing maidens in number 
 Of exquisite make, 
 
RAJAH KISTNAMAH HOWDIE DOO. 
 
 75 
 
 To lull him to slumber 
 Or keep him awake. 
 
 He would spend on a rogue, who'd amuse him an hour. 
 Half as much as would make up a Princess's dower ; 
 He liked, just for show, to maintain in his stable 
 More horses than ever to use he was able ; 
 And, though he had these, he was very much prouder 
 When riding along in an elephant howdah ; 
 
 Though he played on the flute 
 
 As a signor might do't, 
 
 He adored the sharp tones 
 Of the Indian drum, 
 
 And the horrible groans 
 
 That from native pipes come ; 
 And though he admitted plum-pudding was nice, 
 He thought there was nothing like curry and rice. 
 All of which little traits showed he'd great moral worth, 
 Being true to dustoor, and the land of his birth. 
 
THE COSTLY PEARL. 
 
 LIEUTENANT RUDGE was a shrewdish lad, 
 
 Not easy to be cajoled ; 
 And, knowing that, it is doubly sad 
 
 To think how he was sold ! 
 
 For vulgar dodges, and diddlers male, 
 
 Rudge had a bosom of brass ; 
 But let a woman just tip the scale, 
 
 And Rudge was a terrible ass ! 
 
 In Joggereebad, a dreary place, 
 He had pitched for awhile his tent, 
 
 Where you seldom spotted an Europe face 
 Whichever way you went. 
 
 A " D. P. W." man was he- 
 Executive Engineer ; 
 
 In his bachelor tent there was little tea, 
 But plenty of Bass's beer. 
 
 He had bundles of pipes, and heaps of books, 
 And a saddle the worse for wear, 
 
 And a nag of undoubtedly sporting looks 
 A strawberry-coloured mare ; 
 76 
 
THE COSTLY PEARL. 77 
 
 Mofussil meetings had learnt her form, 
 
 And Rudge, on a lottery night, 
 Had more than once been enabled to warm 
 
 A rash Mofussilite. 
 
 In his quiet moods, at the fall of night, 
 
 With his pipe and glass of beer, 
 He would sit in his shirt and oft indite 
 
 A squib for the " Pioneer." 
 
 He had never wished for a gentle face 
 
 To smile from his other chair : 
 Fancy a woman in such a place ! 
 
 There wasn't room for a pair. 
 
 Sam's broad grin was enough for him 
 
 Sam of the turban red, 
 Who cooked his dinner, and shaved him trim, 
 
 And made the sahib's bed. 
 
 In Joggereebad was a Mister Grant, 
 
 A remarkably canny chiel, 
 " Contracting " is often a bonny plant, 
 
 And Grant throve vara weel. 
 
 He'd built some bridges and laid some rails 
 
 Manifold jobs like these. 
 What if he used old rusty nails ? 
 
 Didn't he get rupees ? 
 
 Very neat was his bungalow 
 
 Furniture from Madras : 
 But the prettiest fitting there, I trow, 
 
 Was a bonnie Perthshire lass. 
 
78 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 Jessie Grant was a winsome bride, 
 
 And Minister Bruce, her dad, 
 Wept bitter tears when she left his side 
 
 And went to Joggereebad. 
 
 Rudge and Grant an acquaintance made, 
 
 And Rudge went off to tea ; 
 Although he was more than half afraid 
 
 His attire was strange to see. 
 
 " Tea," by-the-way, in this case is a word 
 
 Used for the sake of a rhyme, 
 Toddy more often than tea was stirred, 
 
 Never matter the time. 
 
 Daintily Jessie would mix the bre\v, 
 
 Gracefully hand the glass, 
 And her glances soft pierced Rudge right through, 
 
 Rudge was a terrible ass ! 
 
 Then she would finger the keys, and play 
 
 Some dreamy sort of a chant, 
 And Rudge would sit in a dreamy way, 
 
 And wish that his name was Grant. 
 
 Afterward he and Grant would fight 
 
 Over a game of chess, 
 And Jessie, sitting close to the light, 
 
 Stitch at a baby dress. 
 
 Peacefully, pleasantly passed the eve- 
 Hateful the hour to part ; 
 
 Rudge, when he rose to take his leave, 
 Felt a chill at his heart. 
 
THE COSTLY PEARL. 79 
 
 Out of the cheer of the friendly room, 
 
 Into the lonely night, 
 Trudged he along in the jungly gloom, 
 
 Thinking that Grant was right. 
 
 A week had passed, and Rudge began 
 
 Remarkable views to take : 
 He wondered what kind of a married man 
 
 Lieutenant Rudge would make, 
 
 What sort of a person a Mrs. Rudge 
 Would be, and could she be caught ? 
 
 He characterized the thought as fudge, 
 But nevertheless he thought. 
 
 He sighed as he looked at his littered tent. 
 
 And then he looked in his glass : 
 Whenever he got to sentiment, 
 
 Rudge was a terrible ass ! 
 
 One day he went to the friendly house 
 
 To drink the conventional tea : 
 Grant was there, and the pretty spouse, 
 
 And they made a merry three. 
 
 Suddenly most significant looks 
 
 Passed from man to wife ; 
 Rudge was scanning some photograph books,- 
 
 " Lovely, upon my life ! 
 
8o LAYS OF IND. 
 
 " Who, may I ask, is this beautiful girl ? 
 
 Whose is this face divine ? " 
 " That," said Grant, " is our little Pearl, 
 
 That is a sister of mine. 
 
 " Glad you approve of the portrait : she 
 
 Certainty's rather nice." 
 " Lovely," said Rudge, " she appears to me, 
 
 'Gad ! she's a Pearl of price ! 
 
 "Isn't she married?" Rudge inquired; 
 
 " Hasn't the right man met? " 
 " No she's been certainly much admired, 
 
 But she is single yet. 
 
 " Pearl's a peculiar girl, you must know, 
 
 Lovers by scores she's had : 
 One, a Sir Thingamy So-and-so, 
 
 Nearly drove her mad. 
 
 " She wrote and told me she couldn't stand 
 
 The nonsense she had to hear, 
 It would drive her, she said, from her native land ; 
 
 And it really will, I fear." 
 
 "What ! would she come to India eh ? 
 
 Marry a sub., your Pearl?" 
 " Upon my conscience I cannot say, 
 
 She's such a peculiar girl ! 
 
 " This I know, she's a passion for head : 
 
 And the scientific part 
 Of the Royal Army, in gold and red, 
 
 Alwavs affected her heart." 
 
THE COSTLY PEARL. Si 
 
 " Oh, yes ! " said Jessie, " I've heard, she'd call 
 
 The Horse Artillery ' dears ' ; 
 But the fellows she likes the best of all 
 
 Are Executive Engineers." 
 
 Thought Rudge, " That sounds decidedly queer 
 
 That's coming it rather strong ! " 
 "Those fellows are only found out here, 
 
 Unless I'm terribly wrong ? " 
 
 11 Quite true," said Grant, "but now and then 
 
 They've furlough, I calculate ; 
 They've been known to go home, like other men, 
 
 On a sick certificate." 
 
 Rudge couldn't do else than recognize 
 
 The justice of this remark; 
 His vision was dazzled by Pearl's big eyes, 
 
 And he couldn't keep it dark. 
 
 " Come I'll be plain with you, Grant," he said, 
 
 " Let's settle before I budge ; 
 If your sister comes out, and Rudge ain't dead, 
 
 She shall be Mrs. Rudge ! " 
 
 Said Grant, "That's honest and straight, no doubt; 
 
 If she comes, I hope you'll win. 
 There's one objection to getting her out, 
 
 The little matter of tin. 
 
 - " Just now I'm a little hard up, you see, 
 
 And her widowed mother I blush 
 To be upon family matters so free 
 
 Is never over-flush." 
 
82 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 Rudge interposed, " Don't mention, pray, 
 
 Such a paltry affair as that; 
 For her passage and outfit Rudge will pay, 
 
 Or Rudge will eat his hat ! " 
 
 In short, 'twas agreed that sister Pearl 
 Should be handed to Rudge at Madras : 
 
 You have heard that she was a peculiar girl, 
 And Rudge a terrible ass. 
 
 A year, as nearly as I can judge, 
 
 Had managed away to slip : 
 On the pier at Madras stood Grant and Rudge, 
 
 Eagerly watching a ship. 
 
 In the offing ahead, the Smiling Sa/, 
 
 A " magnificent " steamer, lay ; 
 She had screwed herself out through the Suez Canal 
 
 In sixteen weeks and a day ! 
 
 Pearl, you'll conjecture, was on the bark, 
 
 True to her lover's call : 
 Had she not been on it, you might remark, 
 
 " Why mention the bark at all ? " 
 
 Yes, Pearl was there ; and Grant, with a nudge, 
 
 As he offered a telescope, 
 Said " There she is, in a blue hat, Rudge, 
 
 Holding on to a rope." 
 
THE COSTLY PEARL. 83 
 
 Then Grant, in a big masulah boat, 
 
 Set off to the heaving ship ; 
 And Rudge, for a moment, regretted he wrote, 
 
 And thought of giving the slip. 
 
 But he took the photograph from his vest, 
 
 And gazed at the lovely phiz ; 
 And gazing, said, " I suppose it's best. 
 
 She's an angel ; 'gad she is ! " 
 
 The boat came back in a little space, 
 
 With Grant and the topee blue ; 
 And Rudge stood staring down on the face 
 
 That simpered a " How d'ye do ? " 
 
 It was that of a stale and elderly girl, 
 
 Of forty at least you'd say : 
 The features were those of the photo'd Pearl, 
 
 But the Pearl of another day ! 
 
 For a minute or so Rudge seemed like stone, 
 
 Then he suddenly grasped the truth ; 
 And then there came a horrible groan 
 
 From the breast of the injured youth. 
 
 " Diddled, by Jingo ! Done to a turn ! 
 
 Sold, by all that's neat ! 
 Dash it, I'll cut the whole concern ! " 
 
 And then he took to his feet, 
 
 Fled from the pier, along the beach, 
 
 Fled with his might and main, 
 Managed the station just to reach 
 
 In time for a starting train : 
 
84 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 Flung the lying photograph right 
 
 Under the grinding wheels ; 
 Then raged and fumed, and swore all night 
 
 At matrimonial deals. 
 
 The passengers set him down as drunk, 
 The guard declared he was mad ; 
 
 But the morning came, and out he slunk 
 At dreary Joggereebad 
 
 Calmer, but crushed with a sorrow deep, 
 
 A sorrow scarce to be told ; 
 And he felt every inch of his cuticle creep, 
 
 As he thought how he'd been sold. 
 
 The world heard nothing of Rudge's case, 
 
 Not even a distant hint ; 
 For Grant suggested something, in place 
 
 Of Rudge's appearing in print : 
 
 Some thousands of Rudge's bright rupees 
 Were sent to Grant in a bag ; 
 
 And brother and sister felt quite at ease 
 As they counted out the swag ! 
 
THE BENEDICT'S DREAM. 
 
 LATE, as beside the camp-fire sitting 
 
 I watched the sparks, on the sad night wind 
 
 Borne away, in the jungle flitting, 
 A vision rose before my mind. 
 
 I gazed and gazed till the fire before me 
 
 Flickered into a vacant gloom ; 
 And then a witchery settled o'er me, 
 
 Strange, and I stood in a quiet room. 
 
 Fingers soft into mine came creeping ; 
 
 A tender bosom pressed close to mine ! 
 We looked upon our children sleeping 
 
 Like two angels infantine. 
 
 We gently kissed the little faces, 
 
 And called a blessing down from above ; 
 
 And over the cot, in sweet embraces, 
 Murmured our pride and hope and love. 
 
 Then, with footfall light, descending, 
 We paced together the garden walk 
 
 Hand in hand, content, and blending 
 Our content in happy talk. 
 85 
 
86 
 
 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 The moonlight sparkled amid the flowers, 
 Wet with dew, and through the tree, 
 
 And rained its silver in quivering showers 
 Down below on the placid sea. 
 
 Nature into our souls seemed breathing 
 Love and peace from everything. 
 
 Far in the night we loitered, wreathing 
 Fancies of what the years would bring. 
 
 I awoke : the fire was almost dying ; 
 
 The night-wind rustled by with a moan : 
 No room ; no babes ; no wife soft-sighing ; 
 
 Jungle around, and I sat alone. 
 
THE SENSITIVE FAKEER. 
 
 ON the bank of a river in Hindostan 
 
 The " Bagh-o-Bahar " relates 
 Lived a very hairy and holy man, 
 
 Who cured the sick at his gates. 
 
 He would shut himself up for the space of a year, 
 And study the state of his soul, 
 
 87 
 
88 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 And only on Sheevrat days would appear 
 And make the sufferers whole. 
 
 Then at dawn he would plunge in the river, and swim 
 
 Like a fish with sportive mind, 
 While the fishes would wonder much at him, 
 
 With his long hair streaming behind. 
 
 When of this diversion he'd had enough, 
 
 To a shallow part he came, 
 And smeared some ashes and oily stuff 
 
 All over his skinny frame. 
 
 Then full in the reverend gaze of all 
 Who were huddling there for the cure, 
 
 He made what we will his toilet call 
 It was rather light, to be sure. 
 
 On a shoulder he laid a towel spare 
 
 It was all the linen he'd got 
 Next shook the wet from his matted hair. 
 
 And twisted it up in a knot. 
 
 Then stood on the steps, and cleansed his feet 
 
 From the river's clinging ooze. 
 Then twiddled and made his whiskers neat, 
 
 And shuffled into his shoes. 
 
 Some spots, of the size of fourpenny coins, 
 
 On his forehead he made with clay ; 
 Then fastened a string about his loins 
 
 And/ lo ! he was dressed for the day. 
 
THE SENSITIVE FAKEER. 89 
 
 In another minute or so his prayers, 
 
 With mysterious signs, were done ; 
 And then he slowly ascended the stairs, 
 
 And the doctoring begun. 
 
 He took from his nose a jewelled pen, 
 
 And wrote a prescription clear, 
 For every one of the women and men 
 
 And children pressing near. 
 
 Now, on one occasion a patient came 
 
 With something wrong in his head. 
 The Fakeer's eyes burst into a flame. 
 
 " Tis a Kunkhujoora ! " he said. 
 
 "A worm that preys on the human brain 
 
 Cerebral maggot, no doubt. 
 The horrible thing is there, 'tis plain. 
 
 Young man, we must cut him out ! " 
 
 So he took the youth, and his friend as well, 
 
 While the rest remained spell-bound, 
 To his operating chamber, a cell 
 
 In a rock, deep underground. 
 
 Then he seized an instrument, sharply steeled, 
 
 With a semicircular shank, 
 And a pivot, such as carpenters wield 
 
 In boring a hole in a plank. 
 
 And he bored away at the patient's head, 
 
 Till he drilled right into the brain. 
 " Behold the Kunkhujoora ! " he said. 
 
 " He never will vex you again ! " 
 
90 LAYS OF 2ND. 
 
 Then he grasped his pincers to pull it out ; 
 
 But the friend in amazement cried, 
 " holy Fakeer, what are you about ? 
 
 You'll be drawing the brain beside ! 
 
 " The animal lies on the topmost fold, 
 Curled up, and sticking like glue ; 
 
 And if you pull him, he'll only hold 
 The tighter, and drag it too. 
 
 "Just heat the pincers a minute or so, 
 And apply to the creature's back; 
 
 No injury then to the brain you'll do, 
 And the worm will out in a crack." 
 
 The holy one pitched away pincers and shoes, 
 
 And hurried forth into the air, 
 And twining his long locks into a noose, 
 
 Straight hanged himself in his hair. 
 
 Of the fate of the youth, by the " Bagh-o-Bahar," 
 
 No information's supplied ; 
 But perhaps it would hardly be going too far 
 
 To conclude that "the beggar died." 
 
 The story's a story, and that is all, 
 
 But a truth is underlaid : 
 Woe to the wretched people who call 
 
 A native quack to their aid ! 
 
THE SENSITIVE FA KEEK. 
 
 And pity it is that all the clan, 
 
 Whom their countrymen well can spare, 
 Don't follow the line of this sensitive man, 
 
 And hang themselves in their hair ! 
 
O'LEARY'S REVENGE. 
 
 CAPTAIN DE HORSE SHOU PINNE 
 Was shamefully, shockingly vain. 
 
 He'd a tidy allowance of tin, 
 But a slender allowance of brain. 
 
 He was great on a matter of dress 
 An authority none could deny ; 
 
 His comrades were heard to confess 
 That they dreaded his critical eye, 
 92 
 
O'LEARY'S REVENGE. 93 
 
 He'd a horror he never concealed 
 
 Of verandah-made dirzee-cut suits, 
 And a lofty contempt he revealed 
 
 For chucklers' creations in boots. 
 
 At the sight of a solar topee 
 
 His feelings were cruelly hurt ; 
 His expression was painful to see 
 
 When he spotted a red flannel shirt. 
 
 He objected to garments of white, 
 
 Anglo-Indians frequently wear ; 
 Snowy trousers in mufti, a sight 
 
 Too torturing for him to bear ! 
 
 But what even afflicted him more 
 
 Were those " local field officer chaps," 
 
 Who, lost to all decency, wore 
 White overalls, minus the straps ! 
 
 With his coats he was calmly content, 
 
 He was publicly proud of his hats ; 
 When he mentioned his bags, eloquent, 
 
 And poetical over cravats. 
 
 When, at sunset, most carefully dressed, 
 To the band-stand he cantered at ease, 
 
 His mind was completely at rest, 
 
 For he thought he was rather the cheese. 
 
 His demeanour was stiff as a rock, 
 
 His look was as haughty as sin. 
 One day, though, he suffered a shock, 
 
 Which settled de Horse Shou Pinne. 
 
94 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 It was thus the occurrence befell : 
 
 A Cornet, O'Leary by name, 
 A truly Hibernian swell, 
 
 To serve with the regiment came. 
 
 Such a Cornet the Captain declared 
 
 He had never beheld in his life : 
 He was " vulgar " and " carroty-haired," 
 
 With a brogue " you could cut with a knife. ' 
 
 At O'Leary he'd constantly stare 
 
 With his supercilious eye, 
 Request him to cut his hair, 
 
 And wear a respectable tie. 
 
 The Cornet's temper was tough, 
 
 His disposition was mild ; 
 But he wasn't at all a muff, 
 
 This gentle Hibernian child. 
 
 To the Captain's unflattering talk 
 He answered with joke and jest, 
 
 " Shure, Captin, ye've been in Cork, 
 For ye're always so nately dhressed. 
 
 " Thim trousers remind me much 
 Of Patrick O'Fiannagan's make ; 
 
 That gossamer's jist the touch 
 For a Tipperary wake ! " 
 
 Said de Pinne, as his teeth he ground, 
 *' He's an impudent nincompoop ! " 
 
 And Cornet O'Leary found 
 
 It uncommonly hot in the troop. 
 
O'LEARY'S REVENGE. 95 
 
 1 have said that his temper was tough, 
 That his disposition was mild, 
 
 But the treatment he got was enough 
 To make him a little riled. 
 
 For the space of a blessed year 
 
 He was bullied and knocked about, 
 
 Till he though that the time was near 
 To pay his tormentor out. 
 
 Captain de Horse Shou Pinne 
 From home had a quarterly box 
 
 Of habiliments, thick and thin, 
 From coats to collars and socks. 
 
 One evening he went to the Band 
 In a rig he considered unique, 
 
 The box had arrived to hand, 
 And he'd opened it just a week. 
 
 A marvellous thing was his hat- 
 Very low, with a beetle-ing brim, 
 
 Like the shadowy wings of a bat, 
 He thought that it suited him ; 
 
 A cunning conception the coat : 
 
 The cloth and the moral were fine 
 
 The dullest observer would note 
 Retrenchment in every line. 
 
 The style was what connoisseurs call 
 The decidedly "cut-away" kind, 
 
 In front there was nothing at all, 
 And little to mention behind ; 
 
96 LA YS OF IND 
 
 For in front you would see but a curve 
 Round a lily-white ocean of shirt, 
 
 And behind, if you'd plenty of nerve, 
 A shallow excuse for a skirt ; 
 
 The trousers, a man of the sea 
 Would into an ecstasy put, 
 
 Very navally tight at the knee, 
 Very navally loose at the foot ; 
 
 The vest was a phantom of drill 
 With a couple of buttons girt, 
 
 And apparently purposed to fill 
 The office of frame to the shirt ; 
 
 The collars were pure Vandyke, 
 
 With the points half down to the waist, - 
 
 He thought they were " something like," 
 And quite in classical taste ; 
 
 The tie was a curious knot, 
 A marvel of yellow and blue. 
 
 The ensemble was probably hot, 
 
 But he thought it would "rather do." 
 
 Dismounting, he lounged about, 
 Strolled leisurely round the ring, 
 
 And fancied there wasn't a doubt 
 Of his being a beautiful thing. 
 
 But lo ! what vision is that 
 What spectre that dares to float 
 
 In another facsimile hat, 
 Another facsimile coat ? 
 
VLB ARTS REVENGE. 97 
 
 A lineny lily-white sea 
 
 In a vest as a framework put ? 
 Bags navally tight at the knee, 
 
 Excessively loose at the foot ? 
 
 A collar of pure Vandyke, 
 
 A yellow and azure tie ? 
 And above 'em, an optic like 
 
 Cornet O'Leary's eye ? 
 
 No spectre or goblin, that, 
 
 No phantasm agorian elf, 
 'Twas that bumptious Hibernian brat - 
 
 Cornet O'Leary himself! 
 
 In a twinkle the truth was twigged, 
 And de Pinne felt sick at his heart, 
 
 It was Cornet O'Leary rigged 
 Up as his counterpart ! 
 
 Captain de Horse Shou Pinne, 
 
 He turned remarkably red, 
 As O'Leary advanced with a grin, 
 
 And a jaunty jerk of the head. 
 
 Cornet O'Leary bowed, 
 
 Re raised the facsimile hat, 
 The Captain inwardly vowed 
 
 He would owe him one for that ! 
 
 As they passed almost cheek-by-jowl, 
 
 De Horse Shou Pinne grew white, 
 And he said, with a savage growl, 
 
 " You shall hear from me, sir, to-night ! 
 
 H 
 
93 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 "You think it a capital spree, 
 But you'll find it an awkward job. 
 
 How dare you imitate me, 
 You low young Irish snob ? '"' 
 
 "Arrah, Captin, now can't ye be calm? 
 
 Such flattery ye didn't expict ; 
 Allow me to hook to your arm, 
 
 Twill have such a nate effict ! " 
 
 The Captain he choked with wrath, 
 But before he could clear his throat, 
 
 There stepped from a gharry forth 
 Three specimens more of the coat 
 
 Three hats of the marvellous brim- 
 Three more of the curious ties 
 
 Three more of the vests bore down on him !- 
 He could hardly believe his eyes ! 
 
 With a curse he turned on his heel, 
 And the trouble beyond control 
 
 On his face betrayed that the steel 
 Was entering into his soul ! 
 
 He had scarcely taken a pace, 
 
 He had scarcely said, " Low brutes ! " 
 
 When, meeting him face to face, 
 Came other four of the suits ! 
 
 He saw that the foe was strong, 
 The conspiracy widely spread, 
 
 That the retribution of wrong 
 Was gathering over his head : 
 
CTLEARTS REVENGE. 
 
 99 
 
 He fled from the horrid spot, 
 He cast his raiment away, 
 
 And the band-stand knew him not 
 For many another day. 
 
 He never again did stare 
 
 With supercilious eye 
 Tell Cornets to cut iheir hair, 
 
 And wear a respectable tie. 
 
 He shed his effeminate skin 
 He heaved his foppery o'er ; 
 
 And Captain de Horse Shou Pinne 
 Is a favourite in the corps. 
 
THE DEAD SHOT. 
 
 LIEUTENANT-COLONEL BLUSTER was a wonder with his gun : 
 Munchausen's feats were nothing to the feats that he had done ; 
 His tales about his deadly aim would really make you start : 
 He never missed, and always shot his tigers through the heart. 
 
 100 
 
THE DEAD, SHOT. , . . 101 
 
 He never mauled their bellies, or their legs, or heads, or jaws ; 
 He never tickled up their ribs, posteriors, or paws ; 
 He never notched their noses or their ears, or smashed a bone ; 
 He shot 'em always through the heart, and dropped 'em like a 
 stone. 
 
 In every corner in his house you'd see a tiger-skin, 
 In each the self- same hole that let his deadly bullet in 
 Just close behind the elbow, and above it, in the side : 
 He'd point it out himself with very pardonable pride. 
 
 Perhaps you wouldn't relish quite the loudness of his tone 
 Perhaps you'd wonder how it was he always shot alone ; 
 Perhaps you'd even ask. Then Colonel Bluster would reply, 
 " Confound it, sir ! do you intend to hint I've told a lie ? " 
 
 One day a Mister Cunnington, a sporting Bengal judge, 
 Observed, on leaving Bluster's, sotto voce, " This is fudge , 
 The evidence requires corroboration, past a doubt. 
 Some day, I think, I'll manage to find Colonel Bluster out." 
 
 About a fortnight afterwards, one morning, just at ten, 
 
 Sat Bluster down to breakfast with some other sporting men ; 
 
 Among them Mister Cunnington. They talked of sport, of 
 
 course, 
 And Bluster's wondrous yarns came out in more than usual force. 
 
 The feed was at its zenith : curry, spatchcock, bacon, eggs, 
 Chops, sausages, and muffins, walking off as if they'd legs ! 
 When suddenly a man, with little clothing but his skin 
 A common jungle peasant fellow crawled, salaaming, in. 
 
LAYS OF IND. 
 
 Cried Bluster, " What's that scantly- clothed intruding brute 
 
 about ? 
 
 Confound the fellow's impudence! Khansamah, kick him out!" 
 Said Cunnington, " Nay, let the wretched devil have his say. 
 Perhaps a tiger's been and took his little all away ! " 
 
 The scantly-clothed intruder got a cuff upon the head : 
 
 The sleek Khansamah gave it him ; and this was what he said 
 
 No, stop his jungle dialect no soul could understand; 
 
 I'll give it as the sleek Khansamah gave it, second-hand : 
 
 " O, gurry purvur ! " that's to say, " Protector of the poor "- 
 " One tiger kill my wife ; to-morrow killing me, I'm sure ! 
 He lying in the jungle, six mile off, asleep and still. 
 Sa'ib same to me as father, mother. Sa'ib, ride out and kill ! " 
 
 "Asleep ! and where?" roared Bluster. "Jungle-wallah, if you 
 
 lie, 
 By Jove, we'll have you skinned ! at least, we'll know the 
 
 reason why." 
 "Sa'ib shoot me, place of tiger," said the man, with pleading 
 
 voice : 
 " I tell no lie. He take my wife she fat and that his choice. 
 
 " I go this morning crying for my wife and missing flock. 
 I see him tiger sleeping underneath one jungle rock. 
 My wife ! I see no body, Sa'ibs, I only see her head ! 
 He eaten rest all up, boo-hoo ! and then he going bed. 
 
 " He sleeping day-time nicely, then he wake him up at night, 
 And, seeing head, he eat it up, boo-hoo ! and finish quite ! 
 Sa'ib take bundook, and shoot him as he sleeping, full of wife ! 
 Then, Sa'ib, I praying God for Sa'ib, and giving Sa'ib my life ! " 
 
THE DEAD SHOT. 103 
 
 Said Cunnington, " Come, Bluster, get your rifle, and we'll start. 
 We'd like to see you plug the beggar neatly through the heart. 
 A glorious opportunity ! Come, now, I'll back the shot. 
 Who'll back the tiger ? " Answered all the rest, " We'd rather 
 not : 
 
 "We'll back the shot. It's four to one on Bluster, don't yom 
 
 see? 
 
 The tiger's lying gorged. A lovelier chance there couldn't be ! 
 What ! Bluster miss a tiger ? Such a thing was never known. 
 He always shoots 'em through the heart, and drops 'em like a 
 
 stone." 
 
 Lieutenant-Colonel Bluster, in his sleeve, expressed an oath 
 Concerning judge and peasant, most unflattering to both. 
 Then took his trusty rifle down, and mounted his dog-cart, 
 And all the party started for the plugging through the heart. 
 
 They drove six miles, and then beside a jungle dense they 
 
 stopped ; 
 
 And all, at beck of peasant, on their knees in silence dropped ; 
 Then crawled away, scarce breathing, through the brambles, 
 
 grass, and leaves, 
 And looking very like a gang of cattle-lifting thieves. 
 
 " Hi ! Hush ! " The creeping jungle-wallah raised his skinny 
 
 hand, 
 
 And all around the depths of jungle vegetation scanned. 
 Anon he pointed forwards then he glided to a tree, 
 And whispered in his dialect the guttural for " See ! " 
 
 They crowded up behind him, and, a hundred yards ahead, 
 There, sure enough, they saw the tiger snoozing on his bed. 
 
I0 4 LA YS OF !ND. 
 
 Beneath a rock, with limbs outsprawled, mouth open, he reclined, 
 The attitude, in fact, of tiger who had freely dined. 
 
 In solemn stagey whisper Mister Cunnington observed, 
 " Bluster, now to slay the monster is for you reserved, 
 To venge the eaten woman ! Let the fancy nerve impart. 
 Fire first : we'll follow if you miss. Now plug him through the 
 heart!" 
 
 I ought to state, the rest had brought their trusty rifles too ; 
 " No use, of course," they said, but still the proper thing to do. 
 And Bluster'd said, " You fellows, pray, as well your rifles bring ; 
 For on a heavy breakfast one will sometimes miss a thing." 
 
 He kneeled him down, and aimed. They also kneeled, hard- 
 breathing, all 
 
 A silence like the grave. You might have heard a sparrow fall. 
 Each moment like an age ! He dropped the muzzle of his gun, 
 And muttered, " It's the muffin, for I know I've eaten one." 
 
 Again he raised the muzzle, and again he took an aim : 
 
 ** You fellows, if I miss," he said, "you must the muffin blame." 
 
 Another epoch of suspense. At last, a flash and bang ! 
 
 A cloud of smoke before them as to feet the sportsmen sprang. 
 
 It cleared away. The tiger lay just as he lay before, 
 He didn't even flick his tail, or make attempt to roar. 
 He lay with limbs out-sprawling, and his jaw still wide apart. 
 Said Cunnington, " It's clear as day, you've shot him through 
 the heart ! 
 
THE DEAD SHOT. 
 
 " Come, Bluster, I congratulate you warmly on the feat. 
 You've killed him as he lay. By Jove, the shot was deuced 
 
 neat ! " 
 
 And all the rest said, " Bluster, you indeed have kept your word. 
 A cockney sportsman couldn't better pot a sitting bird." 
 
 Then crawled the jungle-wallah forth, and crouched at Bluster's 
 
 feet, 
 
 And said, in jungle lingo, something doubtless very sweet ; 
 Then, pointing to the tiger, ran as fast as you could shoot, 
 And, in a jiffey, stood gesticulating by the brute ! 
 
 He shook his fist and taunted him, and pulled him by the tail 
 When, out it came ! and in his hand he swung it like a flail ! 
 Then, stooping low, he looked right down the tiger's open jaw ; 
 Put in his hand : withdrew it, and the hand was full of straw ! 
 
 He held it up and showed it. Then he tossed it overhead, 
 And, as it streamed above him, laughed a hideous laugh, and 
 
 fled. 
 
 And Bluster, looking round, no sign of brother sportsmen saw ; 
 They'd left him to his glory, and the tiger stuffed with straw ! 
 
 No more does Colonel Bluster talk of shooting through the 
 
 heart : 
 
 If e'en you mention such an organ, he will wince and start ! 
 And if you speak of straw, you'll see him turn a strawy hue. 
 O Cunnington, it was indeed a cruel thing to do ! 
 
THE LOAFER. 
 
 WHO is that standing 
 
 Outside in the heat, 
 Gruffly demanding 
 
 A something to eat? 
 Rags on his body, no shoes to his feet; 
 Hair foully growing; 
 Disfigured past knowing : 
 Blistered, and showing 
 
 Limbs shrivelled to tan; 
 Hangdog and scowling, 
 
 As under a ban; 
 Stay, is that prowling 
 
 Poor wretch a white man ? 
 106 
 
THE LOAFER 107 
 
 English ? Oh, think of this ! 
 
 Englishmen we ! 
 How did he sink to this? 
 
 Who can he be? 
 ***** 
 
 Only a loafer, a beggarly vagrant, 
 
 Guilty of having no work and no purse. 
 
 Send him away, for the fellow's not fragrant. 
 Aiding these gentry but renders them worse. 
 
 Who is that rascal 
 
 Disturbing the peace, 
 With struggles that task all 
 
 The city police? 
 Whom are they hustling 
 
 So roughly along? 
 Why all that bustling 
 
 And jabbering throng? 
 Doubtless some vicious 
 
 And half-drunken brute, 
 Whom to cage were judicious, 
 
 And flogging would suit. 
 Hark at his shouting 
 
 And cursing, and see 
 English past doubting! 
 Now who can he be? 
 ***** 
 Only a loafer, our people disgracing, 
 
 Guilty of having no purse and no work, 
 Taking to drink and his nature debasing. 
 Give him hard labour and don't let him shirk. 
 
 Who is that tramping 
 Along in the dust, 
 
io8 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 Hungrily champing 
 
 His last bit of crust; 
 Staggering fearfully 
 
 'Neath the sun's glare, 
 Shining so cheerfully 
 
 On his despair; 
 Passing the village, 
 
 The shop, and the farm; 
 Doing no pillage, 
 
 Attempting no harm ; 
 Weary miles trudging, 
 
 With face to the west; 
 Footsore, and grudging 
 
 The cowherds their rest ; 
 Drawing their pity 
 
 Or scorn on his head 
 Hopes fixed on the city 
 
 Where vagrants are fed? 
 Vain, for he's sinking, 
 
 Piteous to see ! 
 He's not been drinking. 
 
 Who can he be? 
 
 Only a loafer, a spiritless creature, 
 
 Guilty of having no work and no purse. 
 
 Worthlessness branded in every feature. 
 These sort of people are India's curse. 
 
 Who is that lying 
 There all of a heap, 
 
 As if he were dying, 
 Or drunk, or asleep ; 
 
THE LOAFER. 109 
 
 The morning sun glaring 
 
 Right into his face, 
 All fixed as if staring 
 
 At yon busy place ? 
 Doubtless he's wandered 
 
 For many a league, . 
 And now, his strength squandered, 
 
 Has dropped from fatigue. 
 And what is this packet 
 That bulges his jacket? 
 Let's see what it's saying: 
 
 "Is honest, adept, 
 But the works are not paying, 
 
 Few hands can be kept," 
 And look 'tis a Station 
 
 Up-country and far; 
 Discharge meant starvation. 
 
 How hapless some are ! 
 
 Bah ! 'tis only a loafer, a do-nothing wretch, 
 
 Who may have been honest, perhaps, at one time; 
 
 Some fellow who couldn't work long at a stretch. 
 These rascals all swell up our journal of crime. 
 
 But stay look intently; 
 
 Let's cover his head, 
 
 And speak of him gently 
 
 The loafer is dead! 
 
 Only a loafer ! an eyesore, and giving 
 
 Heathen occasion to blacken our name, 
 Lacking ostensible sources of living; 
 Clap them in prison, they all are the same! 
 
AS WISE AS A SERPENT. 
 
 A BATH-ROOM EPIC. 
 
 FROM time immemorial men have agreed 
 That serpents are very 'cute creatures indeed. 
 The notion as certainly got into vogue 
 As that every fox is a thief or a rogue. 
 And men not alone to this fancy inclined; 
 Old Nick, 'twould appear, was of a similar mind, 
 Or why, when he basely proposed to deceive 
 That nice little soft little sweet little Eve, 
 Did he get himself up as a sneak of a snake, 
 And not as a creature of handsomer make? 
 
 I propose to narrate a remarkable case, 
 Which happened quite lately before my own face; 
 And I think you'll admit, when my yarn has been spun, 
 That snakes are at all events hard to be dene. 
 110 
 
AS WISE AS A SERPENT. in 
 
 Twas a very hot morning in Thingamypore ; 
 There had never been such a hot morning before. 
 I bawled for my tub. Twas the work of a minute 
 To rush from my bed-room and fling myself in it. 
 
 Well, I sat in the water, and revelled, and rolled, 
 Through my heat-thirsty pores deep inhaling the cold, 
 Dashing it down on my head, in my face, 
 With a whoop and a splashing all over the place, 
 When and just at the "moment supreme" of my joys 
 I heard 'neath the tub a peculiar noise. 
 
 The sound was a sound which makes guinea-pigs quake, 
 And men, for the matter of that. 'Twas a snake I 
 Slowly from under the tub he appeared, 
 Hissing ; then stopped, and his angry crest reared ; 
 And I cannot declare I felt eased in my mind 
 When I saw 'twas a cobra of deadliest kind. 
 
 He sat there erect, wide expanding his hood, 
 As if he'd get at me, if only he could ; 
 But I stuck to my tub, and its lofty green sTde 
 Was a bulwark from which his assault I defied. 
 
 A minute two minutes three minutes had passed; 
 I wondered how long this was going to last, 
 When (perhaps sudden panic had entered his soul) 
 He wriggled himself to the waste-water hole ; 
 In he popped in a minute, and, lo and behold ! 
 Was half through in another. But wasn't he sold ! 
 
 An impulse heroic coursed swift through my veins 
 To give that old cobra a dance for his pains. 
 From my tub like a burglar I noiselessly stept, 
 Like an Indian stalking a chicken I crept, 
 
ii2 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 With a grin of delight, I believe, on each feature, 
 At thinking what glory to diddle the creature. 
 
 I stood by the hole I stood over his tail; 
 
 I seized it, and hauled as you'd haul at a sail. 
 
 He wriggled and hissed with a horrible sound, 
 
 But the hole was so small that he couldn't turn round; 
 
 So I held him there writhing, and laughed as he tried, 
 
 Half his length in the bath-room, the other outside. 
 
 " Low cowardly reptile ! oh, wriggle away ! 
 
 I've got you, friend Scales, if you wriggle all day. 
 
 There, that's for yourself" ('twas a pinch). "There's 
 
 another. 
 Oh ! didn't it hurt ? And now one for his mother ! " 
 
 I pinched till I tired, for my heart it was hardened, 
 And really I think I may ask to be pardoned : 
 Comes but once in a life such a grand opportunity 
 Of bullying a cobra with utter impunity. 
 
 At length, wearied out, he surrendered himself, 
 Lay still as a bottled one up on a shelf, 
 Apparently careless of all that I called him, 
 And even the fact that my fingers had mauled him. 
 
 Suddenly oh, my friend, wasn't he deep ! 
 Possibly thinking I had fallen asleep, 
 Summoning all of his wonderful strength, 
 He gave a huge tug, and nigh rescued his length. 
 
 Then recommenced our tremendous affray, 
 Both of us straining and twisting away ; 
 But his frantic attempts not a whit could avail, 
 For my grasp it was set like a vice on his tail. 
 
AS WISE AS A SERPENT. 113 
 
 The combat had reached now a furious stage, 
 
 The snake was half mad, and I felt in a rage ; 
 
 I resolved as I pulled with my might arid my main, 
 
 To die or to diddle him over again. 
 
 So I braced myself up, and I gave a fierce haul, 
 
 And flung him back, whack ! 'gainst the opposite wall. 
 
 Down he came, flop ! and it must have been riling 
 
 To see me secure in my tub again, smiling 
 
 "Sold again, Scales!" cried I, growing quite cheerful. 
 
 Answered he naught but a hiss that was fearful. 
 
 Hiss ? 'twas a sound would have made a mop bristle ! 
 
 Hiss ? it was only just short of a whistle ! 
 
 It didn't mean simply dislike to my face, 
 
 It told of contempt for the whole human race 
 
 A hatred implacable, born ere the Fall, 
 
 And lasting till one of us go to the wall. 
 
 But now to my point. He appeared to be thinking, 
 At least so I judged from the way he was blinking; 
 And, having concluded it's true on my soul ! 
 Retreated, quite coolly, tail first to the hole. 
 Steadily, slowly, his face to the foe, 
 Showing his poisonous fangs, white as snow, 
 Proudly expanding his great spectral hood, 
 He backed, till in front of the channel he stood. 
 Pausing, he seemed to say, "Now, silly man, 
 Tread on my tail if you like, or you can ! " 
 Then in the hole he inserted his end, 
 And bobbing politely a " Good-bye, my friend ! " 
 Vanished, me looking the while like a flat ! 
 Hang me, if snakes are not 'cute after that ! 
 
TWADDLE. 
 
 Two members of the Council were 
 
 Hot seasoning at Ooty ; 
 And often in their walks the pair 
 
 Conversed about their dooty. 
 
 "Oh, Peter Straight," said John McDoo, 
 
 " I feel with deep contrition 
 That all of us have been untrue 
 
 To our exalted mission. 
 
 "This mighty land strange Providence 
 
 Has given to our keeping; 
 And we appear at its expense 
 
 Advantage to be reaping. 
 
 "'Twas given us in trust, you know, 
 
 To drill and educate it, 
 And when the job is finished, go 
 
 And straight evacuate it. 
 
 "But oh, from this our conduct's wide, 
 
 It doesn't bear reviewing; 
 It really makes me blush inside 
 
 To think what we are doing. 
 114 
 
TWADDLE. 115 
 
 " Of barracks we erect a lot, 
 
 As if the thought is humbling 
 
 We meant to stay, and they were not 
 Perpetually tumbling. 
 
 " We tell the natives to repair 
 
 In studious crowds to college; 
 Then stick 'em into places where 
 
 They don't require the knowledge. 
 
 "We tell 'em to beware of rum, 
 
 And punish 'em for drinking; 
 But cry ' pray grow your opium ! ' 
 
 Because it pays like winking. 
 
 "We say 'You niggers, why object 
 
 To wife emancipation? 
 How possibly can you expect 
 
 A decent population?' 
 
 " ' Ah ! that,' they say, ' 's a doubtful point 
 Our women might be skittish;' 
 
 And then they lift a finger-joint 
 Contemptuous at the British. 
 
 " ' Come, fraternize, be one of us,' 
 We cry, * what harm can skin do ? ' 
 
 And yet our ladies make a fuss 
 At dancing with a Hindoo. 
 
 "Oh, Peter Straight, bethink you, pray, 
 
 What wicked nonsense this is ! 
 When shall we ever do away 
 
 With such-like prejudices? 
 
n6 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 " When we, the swells, the upper ten, 
 Show to the humbler sorters 
 
 That honest native gentlemen 
 Are free to wed our daughters; 
 
 "When we admit the claims of worth, 
 
 Remove official taboos, 
 And open each and every berth 
 
 To influential Baboos; 
 
 " Give clever men, though country-bred, 
 
 Responsible positions; 
 Put native Generals at the head 
 
 Of Stations and Divisions; 
 
 "And in the civil branches do 
 
 Away with ancient grudges, 
 By giving amplest power to 
 
 Our virtuous native Judges; 
 
 "When we shall reach the final day 
 Of working our accounts ill, 
 
 And start by cutting down the pay 
 Of us, the coves in Council; 
 
 "Then, Peter Straight, and only then, 
 Can we defend our dealings, 
 
 And boldly claim before all men 
 To have enlightened feelings." 
 
 To John McDoo said Peter Straight 
 "This programme may be pleasant, 
 
 But I, for one, say, let us wait, 
 'Twould hardly do at present. 
 
TWADDLE. 
 
 117 
 
 "It doesn't me so clearly strike, 
 But mine's a common noddle 
 
 It sounds to me, sir, very like 
 Unmitigated twaddle. 
 
 'You say we hold the land in trust, 
 And for a little span, sir; 
 
 The truth is, that we'll hold it just 
 As long as e'er we can, sir ! " 
 
LE BEAU SABREUR. 
 
 OF all the sabreurs whom the mutineers slew, 
 
 And sent 'em to blazes or further, 
 By chalks the successfullest I ever knew 
 
 Was distinguished old Colonel McMurther. 
 
 A dandy was he, curly-haired, and he stood 
 In his stocking six foot and a quarter. 
 
 Though sixty and odd, he was lusty, and could 
 Drink a gallon of brandy-and-water. 
 
 He told me one day as we sat in long chairs, 
 And I modestly listened and wondered, 
 
 Of a battle in which he'd destroyed 'em by pairs, 
 Till he'd slaughtered exactly a hundred. 
 118 
 
LE BEAU SABREUR. 119 
 
 11 1 rode," he narrated, " slap bang at their front, 
 Where a crowd of their horse pirouetted, 
 
 And chopped 'em to bits till ray sabre was blunt, 
 And I galloped to get it re-whetted. 
 
 " I went to my tent, gave a touch to my hair, 
 
 Just tossed off a brandy-and-soda, 
 And, when 'twas re-sharpened, I mounted my mare, 
 
 And back at the devils I rode her. 
 
 "A troop of 'em charged with a rush and a yell, 
 And we met with a snorting and splutter ; 
 
 But I cut 'em all down, and I recollect well 
 That it felt like the cutting of butter. 
 
 "Having slaughtered the most of this cavalry band, 
 
 To ease my old mare I alighted; 
 And on Infantry Sepoys I practised my hand, 
 
 And I think I was getting excited ; 
 
 " For they stood pretty close, and my cuts took effect : 
 Heads flew like round-handers at cricket. 
 
 It was glorious ! only to swipe, and neglect 
 Altogether to think of your wicket ! 
 
 "For an hour and a half, as content as a prince, 
 
 I continued this easy employment ; 
 Oh, never such moments of ecstasy since ! 
 
 By Jove, sir, 'twas thorough enjoyment ! 
 
 " I couldn't help humming a favourite air 
 
 Through the yells and the roar and the racket, 
 
 And laughed, though the cannon-balls ruffled my hair, 
 And I got a few spots on my jacket. 
 
 "But suddenly up came the old Brigadier, 
 And he shouted, ' Come out of that, Colonel ! 
 
120 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 You've slaughtered enough of these poor wretches here ; 
 It's shocking it's simply infernal. 
 
 " ' It ain't comme il faut for a man of your rank 
 
 To be carving away like a private.' 
 My reply yes, I think, we had better leave blank ; 
 
 I hardly thought he would survive it. 
 
 " ' Hold, Colonel McMurther,' he cried ; ' it is time 
 That you ceased for humanity's sake, sir. 
 
 In a Christian such carnage as this is a crime, 
 In a Colonel it is a mistake, sir ! ' 
 
 " But I heeded him not, as some answer I hissed, 
 And I gave it 'em hot, by the Lord, sir; 
 
 Till he roared at the top of his voice ' I insist 
 You immediately give me your sword, sir ! ' 
 
 " I gave him my sword. 'Twas a terrible blow. 
 
 That order, by Jingo, did stab hard ! 
 But, as soon as he left me, I rushed on the foe, 
 
 And I had my revenge with the scabbard. 
 
 "It wasn't so easy, I'm free to admit, 
 
 But right through their turbans I crashed it; 
 
 Till I came to a nigger whose head wouldn't split, 
 But rang like an anvil, and smashed it." 
 
 He ceased ; then he took from their place by his bed 
 The battered old friends that he cherished, 
 
 And murmured, " What oceans of blood you have shed 
 What a lot by you darlings have perished ! " 
 
 From which you will see that the gallant sabreur, 
 
 After all, was immensely soft-hearted. 
 There were tears in his eyes, I distinctly aver, 
 
 When I praised the old sword, and departed. 
 
THE MATRIMONIAL INDENT. 
 
 THE Reverend Ernest Geist 
 Was a German missionaree. 
 
 He'd already been doubly spliced, 
 But he wished for Number Three. 
 
 So he sat himself down with his pen, 
 And he wrote to the Basel Board, 
 
 "Right reverend gentlemen, 
 And brethren in the Lord : 
 
 "Your obedient Ernest Geist 
 Has served you well in his life; 
 
 He's already been doubly spliced, 
 But he wishes another wife. 
 
 " He's conscious that being alone 
 
 Is never well for a man ; 
 And it's worse in the tropical zone, 
 
 In heathenish Hindostan, 
 
 "In this dark outlandish place, 
 
 Where the people are dark and rude, 
 
 And there's never an Europe face 
 To lighten your solitude. 
 121 
 
LAYS OF IND. 
 
 "There is only Ramiah, boy, 
 
 And Maree, the catechist. 
 And Sammy, the cook I employ, 
 
 With a sweeper to assist, 
 
 "With whom to exchange a word, 
 Or indulge in a friendly chat; 
 
 And, gentlemen, it's absurd 
 To expect me to live on that 1 
 
 "You have sent me spouses twain, 
 Two madschens meek and kind, 
 
 And goodness knows they were plain, 
 But, gentlemen, never mind; 
 
 " I have laid them both in the tomb, 
 In the shade of a toddy-tree, 
 
 And returned to my bachelor gloom 
 And my lonely cup of tea. 
 
 " I thank you for favours past, 
 For the two lamented frows, 
 
 And hope you'll confer a last, 
 In the shape of another spouse. 
 
 "And permit me to humbly suggest, 
 With all respect for the pair 
 
 Who have gone too soon to their rest, 
 That you don't send carroty hair." 
 * * * * 
 
 The letter was sealed, and sent 
 Direct to the Basel Board; 
 
 And agreeably to that indent 
 A madschen went abroad. 
 
THE MATRIMONIAL INDENT. 
 
 123 
 
 To the nearest seaport town, 
 To receive the fluttering Miss, 
 
 The reverend Geist went down. 
 He gave her a holy kiss ; 
 
 He called her his lamb, his own ; 
 
 He offered a fitting prayer 
 But he cried, with an inward groan, 
 
 " Again it's carroty hair!" 
 
OUR RIDE. 
 
 THE village cocks were crowing, 
 And the hungry cattle lowing, 
 
 Waiting round the fastened gates for lazy 
 
 Cowherds sleeping long* 
 The sun was redly rising, 
 In their homeward prowls surprising 
 Late hyaenas, slouching by, as Smith 
 And I rode swift along. 
 
 The morning air smote keenly, 
 And we galloped on serenely, 
 Drinking in the grateful freshness 
 Of the peep-o'-day in Ind; 
 
 121 
 
OUR RIDE. 125 
 
 We were bound to show at muster, 
 So we gave our steeds a duster, 
 And we swept across the jungle 
 Like the monsoon wind. 
 
 Onward, onward, fast we clattered, 
 Under trees where monkeys chattered, 
 Over nullah, shallow stream, low marsh, 
 
 And sandy river-bed ; 
 Past old temples, where a Brahmin 
 Blew a blast that was alarmin' 
 
 On the sacred horn, to tell the land 
 The night was dead. 
 
 Past an ancient fort in ruins, 
 Rousing thoughts of bloody doin's ; 
 Past a bowrie yet untroubled 
 
 By the dawning of the day; 
 Past a roadside camp of carters, 
 Trying to be early starters, 
 
 Urging bullocks with a shouting 
 To arise from where they lay. 
 
 Fainter grew the chinkle-chinkle 
 Of their collars ; and the tinkle 
 Of the louder bells of cattle 
 
 Travelled now upon the breeze; 
 For the morn was brighter beaming; 
 And the herds released were streaming 
 In long columns to their pastures, 
 In the distant trees. 
 
 Then the early village maiden, 
 With her shining pitcher laden, 
 
126 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 Moved with gait erect and stately 
 To the well across the plain. 
 And some swarthy magnate urban, 
 With a wrapper round his turban 
 And his chin, rode jingling by us, 
 With his motley train. 
 
 Then a group of woodsmen passes, 
 With the faggots on their asses; 
 And a drove of oxen plodding 
 
 Each with grain-filled sack; 
 And a postal-runner, ringing 
 All his little bells, and swinging 
 With his measured trot, and letters 
 In the leather at his back. 
 
 Sights that seemed an indication 
 We were drawing near the Station; 
 And we held aright, for suddenly 
 
 There boomed the morning gun; 
 At the sound our eager horses 
 Seemed to feel replenished forces, 
 
 And they tossed their crests, as knowing 
 That their toil was nearly done. 
 
 Clomb the sun now swiftly higher, 
 Like a blazing ball of fire; 
 
 Frequent grew the roadside cabins 
 
 And the cultivated plots; 
 Market people townward walking, 
 With their wives behind, or talking 
 At the cross-roads or the resting-stones, 
 In many-coloured knots. 
 
OUR RIDE. 127 
 
 Then a gaudy cart went creeping, 
 With its freight of nautch-girls peeping 
 Through the parted curtains, showing 
 Saffron cheek and jewelled nose; 
 And we heard their saucy laughter 
 At the sahibs, coming after, 
 
 As we galloped through their dust, 
 Which high in whirlwinds rose. 
 
 Next a sahib and a lady, 
 Riding where the trees were shady; 
 And we knew for certain now our course 
 
 Was well-nigh run; 
 And the Station from a turning, 
 We described, already burning, 
 With its glaring, staring buildings, 
 In the splendour of the sun. 
 
 We could see the sunlight quiver 
 Down below us on the river, 
 And glance on glitt'ring cupola 
 And mosque and minaret, 
 Where the native city, teeming 
 With its thousands, and redeeming 
 All the landscape from its newness, 
 On the river bank was set. 
 
 Far beyond, the river faded, 
 In the depth of forests shaded, 
 And the eye on mountain rested, 
 
 Rising indistinctly blue; 
 And I cried "Oh, Smith, old fellow, 
 You may doubt it, but I tell you. 
 
128 
 
 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 You may travel many miles to find 
 So glorious a view." 
 
 And Smith, not sentimental 
 Upon matters Oriental, 
 Replied "The panorama 
 
 May perhaps your fancy suit; 
 And that dirty native city 
 May to you seem rather pretty, 
 But it only makes me think 
 
 ' Oh, what a splendid place to loot ! ' " 
 
HOMEWARD BOUND. 
 
 So my name is in Orders, old friend, at last, 
 And the days of my soldiering soon will be past; 
 And I think if I hurry, perhaps I may 
 Be home with them all upon Christmas Day. 
 
 Thirty odd years is a longish span, 
 
 Making a gap in the life of a man ; 
 
 And it's thirty and odd since I looked on the face 
 
 Of the dear old Dad in the dear old place. 
 
 Thirty and odd, sir, and happily spent, 
 Taking the good and the bad that was sent : 
 Shadows and sorrows have crossed my line 
 But where is the life that is all sunshine ? 
 
 Craving I've had, sir, for home and rest, 
 For my boys to be near, and my wife on my breast, 
 For a peep at the couple who gave me birth 
 But isn't there craving all over the earth? 
 
 129 K 
 
130 LAYS OF 1ND. 
 
 Of deep disappointment, disgust, despair, 
 And sickness of body I've had my share 
 But India isn't the land alone 
 Where men dig for a nugget and find a stone. 
 
 Do the stones dismay the digger bold? 
 Aren't they forgot when he lights on gold? 
 Many a stone have I found, it is true, 
 But I've had my share of the nuggets too 
 
 You may smile, and others may laugh in their sleeve, 
 And many there are who will never believe ; 
 But the years that I've passed in this Eastern clime 
 Thirty and odd were a happy time. 
 
 I am one, as you know, of a bygone set ; 
 Thirty-year men are not often met ; 
 And India's been as a home to me, 
 As happy as mine had a chance to be. 
 
 For a man, who has pride and an empty purse, 
 May easily live in a land that is worse. 
 And now that the moment has come to part, 
 There's something resembling a pang in my heart. 
 
 I can scarcely credit the fact, old friend, 
 That my soldiering draws so nigh to the end; 
 That I, who have joked at the rest, myself 
 Am about to be finally placed on the shelf. 
 
 Why, it seems as if many a sun hadn't set 
 
 Since the old Dad called me his smart cadet; 
 
 And I see the tear in my mother's eye, 
 
 As she kissed and kissed me, and sobbed good-bye. 
 
HOMEWARD BOUND. 131 
 
 That soft sweet eye, with its lashes wet, 
 There it is, on my heart, sir, yet, 
 There it is set as a gem in a shrine; 
 But never again will it look in mine. 
 
 For she died exactly ten years ago, 
 
 And she spoke of me in the final throe, 
 
 And she wished that all of the lads were near, 
 
 That was one of my sorrows here ! 
 
 The Dad, they tell me, is broken much, 
 Still you don't at his age see many such : 
 He toddles about in the open air, 
 Cheery, and busying here and there; 
 
 Now in the garden, now in the park; 
 Now in the dairy cool and dark; 
 Now in the stable, fondling o'er 
 The favourite hunter he rides no more. 
 
 Then in the farm he potters about, 
 And has his chat with the steward stout; 
 And every Sunday he walks to church, 
 Down the drive by the grove of birch. 
 
 Mary trudges along by his side, 
 She was always a pet of his, my bride, 
 And they always stop at the mulberry-tree 
 I planted, a youngster, and talk of me. 
 
 And oft, as they walk, the story's told 
 Over again of the Colonel bold, 
 Who at Lucknow won his Mary dear 
 That was one of my nuggets here. 
 
J32 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 And how he won in the mutiny's strife, 
 Honour and glory, as well as a wife, 
 Medals and mention, and, last, a C.B., 
 Indian life has its joys, you see. 
 
 Then when the daylight dies into gloom, 
 The lamps burn bright in the dining-room, 
 And Dad and Mary each take their place 
 At the long oak table, face to face. 
 
 And after dinner, a sudden din, 
 And two little urchins come romping in, 
 Climbing and rumpling Grandpapa's shirt, 
 Loudly demanding a big dessert. 
 
 Often and oft, on India's plains, 
 Lone, dejected, and racked with pains, 
 Lying awake in my tent at night, 
 Cheered have I been by these visions bright. 
 
 And I cannot, old friend, help wondering how 
 They look, the Dad and Mary, now; 
 For they've got my letter in which I say 
 Perhaps they will see me on Christmas day. 
 
 I think to the Dad 'twill be almost a blow 
 Sorrow and joy commingled so : 
 Joy to behold once more my face, 
 Sorrow that one isn't there to embrace. 
 
 Mary, dear Mary, I see her start, 
 Her face all pale with the joy at her heart; 
 She holds the letter, and kisses the sheet, 
 Thanking God in a murmur sweet. 
 
HOMEWARD BOUND. 133 
 
 And she runs, half-mad, to the nursery door, 
 And tells them papa is coming once more! 
 Kissing and hugging the urchins twain, 
 As if she had lost them and found them again. 
 
 Then, breathless, she writes to my brother Jack 
 To say that I really am coming back; 
 And to Harry and Jane, to wend their way, 
 That we may all meet upon Christmas Day. 
 
 Jack has retired, you know; but I'm* told 
 He often regrets the day that he sold : 
 He's married a wife, and has settled down 
 To a box on the moors and a house in town. 
 
 He'd think he'd committed a dreadful crime 
 Not to visit the Dad at Christmas-time; 
 And I'm sure that he almost jumps from his seat 
 When he reads that we're going so soon to meet. 
 
 And Harry, the sailor, who's always there 
 If leave's to be had, and he's cash to spare, 
 How glad he will be ! I fancy half 
 That I hear the ring of his jovial laugh. 
 
 And Jane, who married the big dragoon, 
 What a fuss she'll make at my coming so soon ! 
 All of them, bless them ! they'll all be gay 
 To think of the meeting on Christmas Day. 
 
 Yes, we shall meet, and home has a spell, 
 Though I've loved the land of my sojourn well. 
 The work is over, the sojourn done, 
 Fare thee well, thou Land of the Sun ! 
 
34 
 
 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 Nothing but rest, and home, in store; 
 Never again to wander more ; 
 Thanking God for the present, and yet 
 Linked to the past with a fond regret. 
 
CUPID AFLOAT. 
 
 To see young Sniggles and Mary Jane, 
 
 His recently -wedded wife, 
 On the voyage out, was a thing I must fain 
 
 Remember all my life. 
 
 Tis good to contemplate human bliss, 
 
 For there's always enough of woe; 
 But I never saw any that equalled this, 
 
 Or a couple that went on so. 
 
 At first their spirits appeared to droop, 
 
 For it wasn't agreeable weather ; 
 And they groaned and shivered upon the poop, 
 
 And they went to the side together. 
 
 But when it calmed, and the bloom appeared 
 
 Again on the lady's cheek, 
 They loveyed and doveyed, and ducked and deared, 
 
 From end to end of the week. 
 
 They spooned from morn to eventide, 
 They lived and they breathed on spoon ; 
 
 When the weather forbad the spooning outside, 
 They did it in the saloon. 
 135 
 
136 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 They never wearied, they seemed each day 
 
 Fresh ecstasy to imbibe; 
 And they gazed in each other's eyes in a way 
 
 That I really can't describe. 
 
 And once ere long 'twas my lot to see 
 What shocked my sensitive taste 
 
 They were sitting as close as wax, and he 
 Had his arm about her waist. 
 
 They had quite forgotten the world and me, 
 
 Till I uttered a loud "Ahem!" 
 Ah ! what were I, and the ship, and the sea, 
 
 And the passengers all, to them? 
 
 And later on in the voyage, I grieve 
 
 To state that it got to this, 
 Before you could properly call it eve 
 
 They were seen and heard to kiss ! 
 
 Oh, lucky Sniggles ! Oh, happy pair ! 
 
 'Tis pleasant to be adored; 
 But to do it in public's hardly fair 
 
 To the other folk on board. 
 
 And I hope when the flush of passion dies, 
 
 And you're both a little older, 
 That only before third parties' eyes 
 
 Your spooning will be colder. 
 
THE POLICE-WALLAH'S LITTLE DINNER. 
 
 I'M somehow feeling a little bored 
 
 With all their district gup; 
 They're not bad fellows; but, thank the Lord, 
 
 The party has broken up ! 
 
 There's McCaul, the Collector, our biggest gun, 
 
 A capital hand at whist, 
 And passable company, when he's done 
 
 Prosing over "the List." 
 137 
 
138 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 I'm sick to death of his grumbling, though, 
 
 For ever about his luck; 
 And the story I rather think I know 
 
 Of every pig he's stuck. 
 
 There's Jones, his clever conceited sub., 
 
 The "Competition" elect, 
 A youth into whom I should like to rub 
 
 A liniment of respect ; 
 
 An honest lad, though a bit absurd ! 
 
 And his diction may be choice, 
 But I think we should like him more if we heard 
 
 Rather less of his voice. 
 
 There's Tomkins, our Civil and Sessions Judge, 
 
 A pompous ponderous Beak, 
 Who sneers at McCaul's decisions as fudge, 
 
 We know it's professional pique. 
 
 On a point of position he's rather a snob, 
 
 At bottom a kindly man : 
 Show that you think he's the district nob, 
 
 And he'll lend you a hand, if he can. 
 
 There's little Sharp, the Surgeon, in charge 
 
 Of the Central Suddur jail : 
 He's a habit of taking very large 
 
 Potions of Bass's ale; 
 
 A good little fellow a first-rate pill 
 
 Zealous beyond the ruck; 
 You couldn't consult a better, till 
 . Nine o' the night has struck; 
 
THE POLICE-WALLAH'S LITTLE DINNER. 139 
 
 I've known him do many a kindly act: 
 
 The little man came out strong 
 When the cholera broke, and the jail was packed 
 
 With the cholera-smitten throng. 
 
 Still, after dinner he's hardly fit 
 
 To tackle a question deep; 
 We find it better to let him sit 
 
 And sip himself to sleep. 
 
 There's the Padre, the Reverend Michael Whine, 
 
 The sorrowfullest of men, 
 Who tells you he's crushed with his children nine, 
 
 And what'll he do with ten? 
 
 A circle of worthy folk, indeed, 
 
 Each of the five, in his sphere ; 
 But it's heavyish work to have 'em to feed 
 
 More than twice in the year. 
 
 Two of 'em think it a favour quite 
 
 To eat my Michaelmas geese, 
 Let 'em perhaps they might be right 
 
 I'm only in the police 
 
 Only a Staff Corps skipper, a drudge, 
 
 On a hundred and fifty a week. 
 Fancy my asking a Sessions Judge ! 
 
 Wasn't it awful cheek? 
 
 It's nasty, too, my "competitive" friend, 
 
 To stand your bumptious air: 
 We shall both go home, I suppose, in the end, 
 
 You won't be so bumptious there ! 
 
140 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 First we had Mulligatawny soup, 
 
 Which made us all perspire, 
 For the cook, that obstinate nincompoop, 
 
 Had flavoured it hot as fire. 
 
 Next a tremendous fragmentary dish 
 
 Of salmon was carried in, 
 The taste was rather of oil than fish, 
 
 With a palpable touch of tin. 
 
 Then, when the salmon was swept away, 
 We'd a duckey stew, with peas, 
 
 And the principal feature of that entree 
 Was its circumambient grease. 
 
 Then came the pride of my small farm-yard, - 
 A magnificent Michaelmas goose : 
 
 Heavens ! his breast was a trifle hard ; 
 As for his leg, the deuce ! 
 
 Last, we'd a curry of ancient fowl : 
 
 In terror a portion I took, 
 Hot? I could scarcely suppress a howl 
 
 Curse that fiend of a cook ! 
 
 The conversation of course began 
 
 Anent the coming monsoon : 
 Plentiful rain, said every man, 
 
 Would be a tremendous boon : 
 
 Paddy was dying, would fail again; 
 
 Kaggee would never be ripe; 
 McCaul was anxious to see the rain, 
 
 And hoped it would bring the snipe. 
 
THE POLICE- WALLAH'S LITTLE DINNER. 141 
 
 It started him fair, that brutal bird, 
 
 And he rapidly got to boar; 
 And many a shaggy one's fate we heard 
 
 We'd all of us heard before. 
 
 Then " Competition " must have his say : 
 
 His talk was somewhat big, 
 Shooting snipe was good in its way, 
 
 And so was sticking pig ; 
 
 But India wanted a class of men 
 
 Of the intellectual type, 
 With a mind to study, an eye to ken, 
 
 Weightier things than snipe, 
 
 Thinking more of the busy quill 
 
 Than the last-invented gun, 
 Striving a noble role to fill, 
 
 And reporting what they'd done. 
 
 Hiccoughed the Doctor, "That'sh yer sort, 
 
 That'sh the ticket for you, 
 Write a conleur de rozshe report, 
 
 Write, whatever you do. 
 
 " Once knew a fellah who never stirred 
 
 Out of his office chair : 
 Wrote a report. Bigwigs inferred 
 
 He'd been everywhere." 
 
 The Reverend Whine here interposed, 
 
 "Brethren, it's very clear, 
 The best report that is ever composed 
 
 Won't stop things getting dear. 
 
I 4 2 LA YS OF 2ND. 
 
 " It scarcely becomes me to repine, 
 
 But it's sad for family men; 
 Already I'm burdened with children nine 
 
 What'li I do with ten?" 
 
 Said the Sessions Judge, "Upon my life, 
 
 It's hard a reply to give; 
 But why did you go and take a wife, 
 
 Not being able to live?" 
 
 A general laugh. The Collector stout 
 
 Thought it a joke immense, 
 And the Doctor hiccoughed something about 
 
 " Marry, and blowsh expensh ! " 
 
 Then there was sherry, and handing round 
 
 Of ginger and other fruits ; 
 Then, in a silence quite profound, 
 
 The lighting of big cheroots. 
 
 Then came cards, and soda-and-b., 
 
 On to the snowy board; 
 And four of us made a whist partie, 
 
 And the little Doctor snored. 
 
 I and the Parson lost a mohur, 
 At which the Collector joked; 
 
 Once he forgot himself, and swore, 
 But then the Parson revoked. 
 
 Then there was brandy-pawnee round, 
 And the Parson ate some cake; 
 
 And the Doctor snored with a horrible sound, 
 And choked himself awake. 
 
THE POLICE-WALLAH'S LITTLE DINNER. 143 
 
 Lastly, we each the other bored 
 
 With the usual district gup, 
 And then they departed. Oh, thank the Lord 
 
 The party has broken up ! 
 
DECEITFUL JONES. 
 
 THE Indian sun was sinking down 
 
 Behind the toddy-trees, 
 When Jones before Miss Adelaide Brown 
 
 Went down upon his knees. 
 
 Now, Jones he was a subaltern in 
 
 The Bundelcund Hussars, 
 And, like a man, he had spent his tin, 
 
 Or rather his dear Papa's. 
 
 And the worst of it was, that all the girls 
 That he loved and they were many 
 
 Though sweet as sugar and fair as pearls, 
 Had never a single penny. 
 
 But Adelaide Brown, the freckly-skinned, 
 He had heard on trusty grounds, 
 
 If not the prettiest maid in Ind, 
 Had a thousand or so of pounds. 
 
 So Jones at a picnic said to himself, 
 
 As he picked her up a curl, 
 " I scorn a fellow who'd wed for pelf, 
 
 But I really love that girl. 
 114 
 
DECEITFUL JONES. 145 
 
 " She hasn't the vacant eyes of the dove, 
 And her hair may come from Truefitt's; 
 
 But if she doesn't accept my love, 
 I shall certainly die of the blue fits ! " 
 
 The sun was sinking down, as I've said, 
 
 When the much-enamoured Jones 
 Removed the topee from off his head, 
 
 And went on his marrow-bones. 
 
 And Adelaide Brown, who got her hair, 
 
 Or a deal of it, from afar, 
 Lisped gracefully that she didn't care 
 
 If she took her brave Hussar. 
 
 Old time, as usual, jogged along, 
 
 And Jones was kindly told 
 That the khubbur about the coin was wrong, 
 
 But " he hadn't proposed for gold ! 
 
 " Could they possibly think that he'd behave 
 
 To charming Adelaide Brown 
 Like a mercenary and heartless knave? 
 
 He'd live such calumny down ! 
 
 " He loved that girl with the fire of youth, 
 
 And he'd go and just inform her 
 That, now he had learned the ridiculous truth, 
 
 His love was only warmer." 
 
 He went, and he told her all his love, 
 
 The calumny, and his pain; 
 And added, he'd heard that his aged Gov. 
 
 Was anxious to see him again. 
 
146 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 And he feared that duty must be done, 
 And 'twas bitter, of course, to part; 
 
 But Adelaide Brown was never one 
 To break a parent's heart. 
 
 He would go and stroke that parent's head, 
 Though his own poor heart should crack, 
 
 And a month or two would soon be fled, 
 And love would waft him back. 
 
 Young Jones he sailed, and Adelaide Brown 
 No more of her Jones did hear ; 
 
 For he spliced himself in a county town 
 To a couple of thou. a year. 
 
 O spins., who list to a tale of love 
 
 In these outlandish parts, 
 If your lover must go and see his Gov, 
 
 Get married before he starts. 
 
MY LETTER TO THE BEAK. 
 
 IN days gone by, when law in Ind was not so nice as now, 
 And Beaks in their procedure would much latitude allow, 
 I sent my Kitmutgar once with a note unto the Beak : 
 " Please give the bearer half a dozen lashes for his cheek." 
 
 " I waiting answer, sar ? " said he. " Oh, yes." So off he set. 
 "Poor brute !" thought I, "he little dreams the answer he will 
 
 get." 
 I watched him down the road, and round the corner, out of 
 
 sight ; 
 I almost felt a twinge of pity. Bah ! 't would serve him right. 
 
 An hour or more elapsed, and then it fairly made me stare 
 Amazed to see him coming back with quite a jaunty air. 
 "By Jove," I thought, "he likes it ! To his epidermis thick 
 A pleasing titillation is imparted by the stick." 
 
 147 
 
I 4 8 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 He went about his duties, showing not a trace of pain ; 
 I even thought he looked as if he'd give me sauce again. 
 " How can it be? " I asked myself. " He's not put out a bit. 
 Perhaps old Brown was absent, or he didn't read the chit." 
 
 At length my growing fidget I could keep no longer down ; 
 I said, "Come, now, what answer did you get from Colonel 
 
 Brown?" 
 
 " No answer, sar, at all ! " said he. " Khansamah bringing that. 
 I giving chit Khansamah, sar." You might have knocked me 
 
 flat! 
 
 "What? gave it the Khansamah? gracious Pow'rsl" "Yes, 
 
 truly, sar, 
 
 I catch him going purchase rice and curry in bazaar. 
 I say, ' You take this letter much time keeping, I afraid 
 And master wanting me for making ready for parade,' " 
 
 He vanished, and I fell back overpowered in my chair. 
 This was indeed a highly cheerful turn in the affair ! 
 My dear old fat Khansamah ! they will strip thy creasy back ; 
 For every year thou'st served me thou wilt only get a whack. 
 
 He stood, the old Khansdmah, like a bundle, in the door ; 
 And then he crawled, arid clasped my feet, and blubbered on 
 
 the floor. 
 
 Behind him stood his mother, and his children, and his wife, 
 All screeching; and he said, "Now Sa'ib may freely take my 
 
 life! 
 
MY LETTER TO THE BEAK. 
 
 149 
 
 " I ruined man : I never face my people any more."- 
 He then exposed his back, and I could see that it was .... sore. 
 I raised him up, and said, " Khansamah, this is a mistake. 
 I trust rupees one hundred will some compensation make." 
 
 He rubbed his back, and looked at mother, children, wife; and 
 
 said, 
 
 "I take rupee one hundred, sar, but never raise my head." 
 He took them. Ere the year was yet another fortnight old 
 His head was high as ever, and his turban sported gold. 
 
 The Kitmutgar, I subsequently learned, had once been sent 
 To Station Beak before, with note of similar content. 
 To get mine taken for him seemed the safer course to be : 
 The once was quite enough for him. And so it was for me. 
 
THE .LEGEND OF INDRA AND AHI, 
 
 No rain had fall'n for many a day, 
 
 The land was sore athirst; 
 The mocking clouds swept overhead, 
 
 Storm -charged, but never burst. 
 The people flocked about the temples, 
 
 Praying Heaven for rain, 
 And cried, " Give rain, or else we die ! " 
 
 But all their cries were vain. 
 
 The harvest withered in the fields; 
 Dust rose from every tank; 
 150 
 
THE LEGEND OF INDRA AND AHI. 151 
 
 With carcasses of cattle all 
 
 The arid country stank. 
 Last pestilence and famine strode 
 
 In village and in town, 
 And struck, with hand remorseless, 
 
 The wretched people down. 
 
 Then Indra rose, and girded on 
 
 His sharp and flashing brand, 
 And said, " Behold, 'tis Ahi who 
 
 Thus desolates the land! 
 The demon serpent Ahi, coiled 
 
 In far celestial mount, 
 With dire and rain-constraining fold, 
 
 About the water's fount. 
 
 "He hates the earth, and all thereon, 
 
 And so he guards the rain. 
 No drop will ever fall on earth 
 
 Till Ahi I have slain." 
 And all the people answered, "Go 
 
 For thy dear country's sake, 
 And take thy brand, and save the land, 
 
 And slay the demon snake." 
 
 So Indra drew his flashing brand, 
 
 And Ahi's ruin vowed, 
 And hasted on his way to scale 
 
 The demon-haunted cloud. 
 He journeyed to a mountain crest, 
 
 Wrapped round with mist, and there 
 
152 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 Stept forth upon the floor of space, 
 And boldly trod the air. 
 
 'Twas sunset : cloudy range on range 
 
 Like hills in heaven stood, 
 With purple base and golden peak, 
 
 Against a sky of blood ; 
 While darkly loured 'mid the rest, 
 
 With thunder growling loud, 
 The snake-girt fount of waters in 
 
 The demon-haunted cloud. 
 
 Now the darkness fell ; earth vanished ; cold 
 
 The aether grew, and soon 
 Rose through the vapours far below 
 
 The pale and ghastly moon. 
 And lo ! o'erhead as Indra peered 
 
 Lit by a straggling ray, 
 About the fount in monstrous folds 
 
 The demon serpent lay. 
 
 Then upward still he journeyed on, 
 
 With stealthy, painful toil. 
 And, ere the midnight, stood beside 
 
 The beast's gigantic coil. 
 Huge throbs of life pulsated through 
 
 The foul misshapen heap ; 
 But unaware the creature lay, 
 
 Plunged in a mighty sleep. 
 
 Then Indra poised his flashing brand, 
 
 And, where the scaly skin 
 Uprose and fell above the heart, 
 
 He drove it fiercely in. 
 
THE LEGEND OF INDRA AND A HI. 153 
 
 The monster writhed, and gasped, and lashed, 
 
 And, with a dying hiss, 
 Unclasped the pent-up front, and rolled 
 
 Far into night's abyss. 
 
 Now surged the waters from their depths, 
 
 The prisoned deluge burst, 
 And, pouring downwards, saved the land 
 
 From its destroying thirst. 
 The springing verdure came again 
 
 On hill, and plain, and mead; 
 And all the grateful people sang 
 
 The praise of Indra's deed. 
 
 A demon serpent, Ignorance, 
 
 In Ind still coils its fold 
 About the sacred fount of Truth, 
 
 And doth the rain withhold. 
 The hearts of men are parched and faint, 
 
 And Superstition dense, 
 With Bigotry, stalks blighting like 
 
 A moral pestilence. 
 
 Anon, the sun of Progress, with 
 
 His bright and flashing ray, 
 Will penetrate the clouds, and drive 
 
 The demon snake away. 
 Then will Truth's pent up waters pour 
 
 Upon the soil amain; 
 And all the thirsty souls ot men 
 
 Drink up the blessed rain! 
 
THE FAITHFUL ABBOO. 
 
 ABBOO was a trusty servant, 
 Trusted by his master much; 
 154 
 
THE FAITHFUL ABBOO. 155 
 
 And the latter's prayers were fervent 
 That he might have many such. 
 
 For whenever master thought his 
 
 Liquor disappeared a bit, 
 Abboo regularly caught his 
 
 Brother menials prigging it. 
 
 Always nailed some erring brother, 
 Got him sent away, or fined; 
 
 Abboo would have nailed his mother 
 Abboo'd such an honest mind. 
 
 And his master, Colonel Jervis, 
 Honoured Abboo, raised his pay; 
 
 Loved him for his faithful service, 
 Hunting all the thieves away. 
 
 One by one they came and vanished, 
 
 One by one they came to grief; 
 Maties, chockras, peons were banished; 
 Still there always was a thief. 
 
 Mahlee, dhobie, cook, horsekeeper, 
 Each were to the chokee sent; 
 
 Last of all the wretched sweeper- 
 Still the Colonel's liquor went. 
 
 " Devilish odd this ! " said the Colonel ; 
 
 "What a land to soldier in! 
 Abboo, this is most infernal 
 
 Who the blazes drinks my gin?" 
 
I5 6 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 "How I tell, sar? Plenty thieves, sar; 
 
 Other servants bobbery pack, 
 Drinking up what master leave, sir, 
 
 Moment Abboo turn his back. 
 
 "Abboo found out plenty rogue, sar, 
 Stealing, 'busing master's name; 
 
 Master taking same-like logue, sar 
 What I doing ? plenty shame." 
 
 One fine night a dreadful yelling 
 Roused the Colonel. ^By-and-bye, 
 
 Frightened servants ran in telling 
 " Abboo belly paining die ! " 
 
 In the pantry, groaning, shouting, 
 On the floor poor Abboo rolled; 
 
 And a bottle, past all doubting, 
 Abboo's sad disaster told. 
 
 Many bottles, on the table, 
 Odorous of gin were found; 
 
 But one bottle, with the label 
 "Kerosine," lay on the ground. 
 
 In the hurry of the minute 
 
 And the dark, he'd drained it clean. 
 Thinking master's gin was in it, 
 
 Dreaming not of kerosine. 
 
THE FAITHFUL ABBOO. 
 
 For a space in sircar service 
 Abboo did his wits employ. 
 
 Never more will Colonel Jervis 
 Trust another native boy. 
 
THE HOLLOW TOOTH; 
 
 OR, AN ILL-ASSORTED UNION. 
 
 MR. COMMISSIONER ICEY CHILL 
 
 Possessed a youthful wife, 
 An unbending neck, an inflexible will, 
 
 And gloomy views of life. 
 158 
 
THE HOLLOW TOOTH. 159 
 
 The height of his pleasure consisted in 
 
 Denouncing smiles and jokes, 
 And groaning and moaning over sin, 
 
 Especially other folks'. 
 
 He sat one day in his office seat, 
 
 With a frown upon his face; 
 And at eventide, when he came to eat, 
 
 He sighed as he said the grace. 
 
 For hadn't his Ruth, so frivolous, been 
 
 To the recent bachelors' ball, 
 In spite of his saying a ball was a scene 
 
 He couldn't approve at all? 
 
 And hadn't a Mr. Harvey Sauce 
 Called twi6e in the self-same week? 
 
 And wasn't it shocking? It was, of course. 
 And wasn't he right to speak? 
 
 For didn't all bachelor army men 
 
 Lead highly immoral lives? 
 And didn't they every now and then 
 
 Steal other people's wives? 
 
 And hadn't he many .a time with force 
 
 Explained all this to Ruth? 
 And hadn't she said that Mr. Sauce 
 
 Was quite an exceptional youth 
 
 A gentleman quite, from tip to top, 
 
 And as innocent as a mouse? 
 And hadn't he thought it wise to stop 
 
 His frisking about the house ? 
 
160 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 And hadn't he her severely chid, 
 
 And wasn't she underhand, 
 Talking away yes, that she did 
 
 To the rascal at the Band? 
 
 And hadn't he laid before her bare 
 
 The wickedness of her life, 
 And very solemnly told her where 
 Her duty lay as a wife? 
 
 And didn't he say that her pranks must end, 
 
 And her gadding about; but he 
 Would allow her to ask a serious friend, 
 
 Or a clergyman in to tea? 
 
 And that, lest she'd be dull, he wished her soon 
 
 To make a regular rule 
 Of teaching every afternoon 
 
 In the neighbouring Mission School? 
 
 And didn't she fume and chafe and fret 
 When he ventured thus to speak, 
 
 And work herself into an obstinate pet, 
 Which lasted the rest of the week? 
 
 And didn't he patiently bear with her still, 
 
 Reading her sermons nice, 
 And praying aloud that her evil will 
 
 Might yield to his good advice? 
 
 And didn't he even show her how 
 
 That hers was a fortunate lot? 
 And wasn't there then an awful row? 
 
 And didn't he catch it hot? 
 
THE HOLLOW TOOTH. 161 
 
 And now he ate his dinner alone 
 
 For Ruth avoided the room 
 He sighed as he picked his chicken bone, 
 
 And his face was full of gloom. 
 
 For he couldn't and wouldn't to her give in, 
 
 Nor compromise with wrong; 
 And he meant to be firm this time, and win, 
 
 Though the struggle might be long. 
 
 It was, but woman, you know, is weak, 
 
 And abhors protracted strife. 
 Ruth suddenly seemed to grow quite meek, 
 
 And to change the way of her life. 
 
 No Harvey Sauce to be seen by her trap 
 
 In the evening at the Band ; 
 No novel at midday in her lap ; 
 
 No scented chit in her hand. 
 
 Propriety reigned in the bungalow 
 
 From morning unto night, 
 And she didn't appear to find it slow, 
 
 Though she very justly might. 
 
 Thought Chill to himself, "My duty's done 
 I've plucked out sin by the roots." 
 
 And over the victory that he'd won 
 He rose an inch in his boots. 
 
 So time wore on, and exempt from blame, 
 And quite at her ease seemed Ruth, 
 
 M 
 
1 62 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 Till a cloud of trouble and sorrow came 
 In the shape of a hollow tooth. 
 
 It was white as a pearl ; not cankered a bit ; 
 
 Just like the rest of her teeth ; 
 But it pained, and the doctor who looked at it 
 
 Said the hollow was underneath. 
 
 For a month she wriggled and writhed and groaned 
 
 With a flannel bag at her cheek, 
 And Icey Chili was frightened, and owned 
 
 That she seemed to be getting weak. 
 
 Then a couple of learned doctors met, 
 
 And, after debate and doubt, 
 They told the husband, with great regret, 
 
 They dreaded to pull it out. 
 
 'Twas a ticklish case of internal decay; 
 
 Quite out of their line, they felt ; 
 And the only thing was to go to Bombay, 
 
 Where a regular dentist dwelt. 
 
 Then Icey Chill emitted a groan, 
 
 And dried a tear with his sleeve, 
 For his darling would have to travel alone, 
 
 As "he wasn't entitled to leave." 
 
 And his precious darling, she didn't lag, 
 
 She started without delay, 
 With her head tied up in a flannel bag, 
 
 On her journey to Bombay. 
 
THE HOLLOW TOOTH. 163 
 
 The sufferer travelled as fast as she could, 
 And arrived in proper course ; 
 
 And on the platform a dentist stood 
 Of the name of Harvey Sauce ! 
 
 It was terrible work when Icey Chill 
 
 Discovered the ugly truth; 
 And even now he will turn quite ill 
 
 If you speak of a hollow tooth. 
 
 And time has failed to remove the sting, 
 Though damages and divorce 
 
 Made dentistry rather a costly thing 
 For Mr. Harvey Sauce. 
 
 He had to borrow, and then to sell, 
 Then went to the bottom, flop, 
 
 And Ruth of course she merits it well- 
 Is making shirts for a shop. 
 
 -^^, 
 
 In fact, the moralists, stern of heart, 
 
 Herein may find relief: 
 Both played an extremely shady part, 
 
 And properly came to grief. 
 
 And what of Icey, the victim ? alas ! 
 
 The good oft suffer in life ; 
 And a gloomy man is a terrible ass 
 
 To marry a frivolous wife. 
 
A TRUE REFORMER. 
 
 (Vide Tale $///, Goolistan.) 
 
 A GANG of robbers stood before a King; 
 A tender youth among the ruffian knot. 
 The monarch said, " The sword of justice bring, 
 And execute the lot!" 
 
 Then knelt the Vizier down and kissed the throne, 
 And prayed: "O world-illumer, spare the child! 
 With one whose facial herbage is not grown 
 Be not so very riled. 
 
 " O Mecca of the world, recall thy ban : 
 
 Give me the kid, to teach him what is right. 
 School, virtuous companions, and rattan 
 Will soon reform him quite. 
 
 " Is it not writ, each new-born infant takes 
 
 By natural bent to Islamism the true, 
 And only warp of education makes 
 The Christian or the Jew? 
 164 
 
A TRUE REFORMER. 165 
 
 "The power of education who can doubt? 
 
 The child, if left with thieves, of course would prig; 
 But careful training, sire, will bring about 
 A reformation big." 
 
 The monarch frowned, and answered, " Fool, go home ! 
 
 The bad by nature ever will be bad. 
 Thou may'st as well throw balls upon a dome, 
 As educate the lad. 
 
 "What if, in quenching fire thy goods among, 
 Thou leav'st a little spark upon the grass? 
 To kill the mother snake, and spare the young, 
 Were worthy of an ass ! " 
 
 Then bowed the Vizier low, and moaned, " Wah-wah ! " 
 
 And all the courtiers joining, groaned, "Aie-aie!" 
 Until the King roared, "Idiots that you are, 
 Take the young cad and try ! " 
 
 The Vizier took the trembling little cad, 
 
 And caned him well, and taught him what was right, 
 And turned him out a well-conducted lad, 
 With manners most polite. 
 
 And all the courtiers said, "By Allah's grace, 
 
 And favour of the Mecca of the world, 
 The evil bent to good has yielded place; 
 Straight is the hair that curled ! " 
 
 But grimly smiled the King behind his hand, 
 And said, " O foolish Vizier, vain thy love ! 
 Thou canst not twist a rope that's made of sand. 
 Wolf's whelp yet wolf will prove ! " 
 
1 66 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 Two years had scarcely fled, when fresh dacoits 
 
 With rapine did the neighbourhood annoy, 
 And, lo ! the wicked fame of their exploits 
 Struck fire within the boy. 
 
 With passion, that had slumbered, heaved his breast; 
 
 He slew the Vizier kind, and seized his goods, 
 And, like a hawk long stolen from its nest, 
 He hooked it to the woods. 
 
 The monarch, hearing, bit his noble hand, 
 
 And wept, " O Vizier, how thy schemes are floored ! 
 How came it that thou couldst not understand 
 Bad iron makes bad sword ? " 
 
 The moral of this tale it's hard to strike ; 
 
 Perhaps, though, this a modern truth may touch : 
 Reform a jail-bird, if you can and like, 
 But, dorft expect too much. 
 
A CHRISTMAS REVERIE. 
 
 TO-MORROW, alas ! I am booked to go 
 
 And dine with our Colonel and Mrs. C. O. 
 
 I hate to depart from my usual way ; 
 
 And to-morrow, by Jove, will be Christmas Day ! 
 
 One feels, now one hasn't a regular Mess, 
 It's a bore to go out, and a nuisance to dress; 
 And a feed at the Commandant's bungalow 
 Is a dreary attempt at Christmas, you know : 
 167 
 
1 68 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 The punkah, instead of the Christmas fire ! 
 The Colonel, instead of the dear old Squire ! 
 The lizard, and withering -noonday glow, 
 Instead of the robin, and frost and snow ! 
 
 I know, after all, that ray lot isn't bad, 
 
 But somehow or other it makes me sad, 
 
 At a season like this, when the thoughts will roam, 
 
 To think what they're doing just now at home ! 
 
 I fancy I see them, the Squire and all, 
 In the breakfast-room in the dear old Hall. 
 There's snow on the drive and the grove of birch, 
 And they're ringing the chimes in the village church. 
 
 Yes, yonder he sits in his wonted place, 
 With a smile on his fresh benignant face ; 
 And the Mother, she's there at the other end, 
 And Harry, and Jack, and Jane, and a friend. 
 
 I wonder whether they're altered much ? 
 The Dad's crisp hair had a silvery touch 
 When I said good-bye, and he bore up so; 
 And that why, it's nearly ten years ago ! 
 
 The Mother, too, she was tall and erect; 
 
 "Rut she's stooping a little now, I expect, 
 
 And her hair, in its rich and glossy bands, 
 
 Has been fingered perhaps by Time's rough hands; 
 
 But it cannot alter her look so kind, 
 It robs, but it leaves the heart behind; 
 And I see her beam happily round, in the way 
 That she always beamed upon Christmas Day. 
 
A CHRISTMAS REVERIE. 169 
 
 There's Harry, who taught me fine escapades, 
 He's got his Majority now in the Guards ; 
 And they say that he's leading a steady life, 
 And thinking of looking about for a wife. 
 
 There's Jack, why, I 'left him a rollicking lad, 
 And now he's a mate on an ironclad. 
 And Jane a mere baby in frock and curl 
 If her photograph's true, is a beautiful girl. 
 
 They're sitting all round the family spread : 
 There's a pasty of game, and a big boar's head ; 
 There's holly on window and picture -frame, 
 And the fire burns up with a crackling flame. 
 
 Then the quiet old rector looks in on his way, 
 And bids them a blithesome Christmas Day ; 
 And together they walk through the grove of birch, 
 Over the stile, to the village church. 
 
 At the graveyard gate the churchwardens stand, 
 With "A merry Christmas!" and hat in hand, 
 The grocer, the smithie, and Farmer Ball, 
 And the Squire has a kindly word for all. 
 
 Then, when the shadows of night descend, 
 The Hall is lighted from end to end ; 
 There's a bonfire huge on the lawn outside, 
 And within, the Mother is in her pride, 
 
 For she loves this night the best of the year, 
 And loads her board with the Christmas cheer, 
 The mincemeat pies, and the loin of beef, 
 And the grand plum-pudding with holly-leaf. 
 
170 
 
 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 There's happiness, too, in the old Squire's face, 
 As he rises and says the Christmas grace. 
 He chuckles, and laughs, and cracks his joke, 
 And the party's a party of merry folk. 
 
 Then he fills a bumper up to the brim ; 
 He toasts them all, and they all toast him. 
 "A merry Christmas and happy New Year 
 To every one who is near and dear ! " 
 
 But I fancy the Mother's eyes are wet 
 When the old man says, "There is one toast yet- 
 Him absent the youngster who's far away, 
 God give him a merry Christmas Day ! " 
 
 Ah me ! I know that my lot's not bad, 
 But the reverie somehow makes me sad ; 
 And this is a time when the thoughts will roam, 
 Wherever we are, to the scenes of home. 
 
THE PAINTING OF THE STATUE. 
 
 A GLORIOUS fellow was Colonel McWine 
 Commanding the Hundred and Twelfth of the Line, 
 In the favourite Station of Kleekeepore 
 
 So beloved by the corps, 
 
 That the Ensigns all swore, 
 
 If he wanted to borrow 
 
 A million to-morrow, 
 171 
 
172 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 And had to provide, 
 
 By substantial security, 
 That the bill wouldn't slide 
 
 When it came to maturity, 
 
 There wasn't a subaltern wouldn't have stood for him. 
 But one terrible folly, 
 
 It must be admitted, 
 This Colonel so jolly 
 
 Not seldom committed, 
 Was this he drank very much more than was good for him. 
 
 At dawn a light nip 
 
 "But the veriest sip, 
 
 Just to moisten his lip," 
 
 And by way of a warming 
 
 The air was so chill while the regiment was forming ! 
 And after parade, in the hot (and cold) weather, 
 Another to cool him and pull him together. 
 At breakfast some Rhenish, or quart of Bordeaux : 
 "There's nothing so weakening as tea, sir, you know. 
 
 Why, by Gad, sir, it serves 
 
 To destroy all your nerves ! " 
 And, after, a brandy-and-soda or so, 
 
 Towards noon, ere the sun 
 To its zenith could mount, 
 
 Perhaps two, perhaps one 
 But then they didn't count. 
 
 At tiffin, beer, porter, 
 
 Or whisky-and-water ; 
 
 And, later he did get so dry after lunch 
 A sherry or two, or a glass of milk punch, 
 Some bitters, of course, while he waited for Mess. 
 At dinner, a magnum, or more never less. 
 
THE PAINTING OF THE STATUE. 173 
 
 But, gracious ! all this was but skirmishing merely ; 
 'Twas now that the action began, and severely. 
 
 A bottle of brandy 
 
 Was placed very handy, 
 With six soda-waters in line on the table. 
 
 There he'd sit in his glory, 
 
 Telling story on story, 
 
 Till list'ners grew scarce, and his mem'ry unstable. 
 Then rising unwillingly, shaking his noddle, 
 
 And vowing the bloods of the present day 
 Were made of brown paper, or very soft clay, 
 With the help of his bearer, to bed he would toddle. 
 
 And, curious to say, 
 
 He would rise the next day, 
 Ere the sun o'er the land shed his earliest ray ; 
 On his face 
 Not a trace 
 
 Of the bout of the night, 
 
 And after his nip looking blooming and bright; 
 While the Majors would say to themselves, as he passed 
 Down inspecting the regiment, "How long will it last?" 
 And the youngsters would think, " What a wonderful head ! 
 If we drank but a quarter he drinks, we'd be dead ! " 
 
 But the doctors well knew 
 
 That this very fresh hue 
 
 Was the flag that drink waves 
 
 O'er the heads of its slaves, 
 
 And flaunts, till it leads them right over their graves. 
 And the Colonel too felt that, for all his hale look, 
 His heart fluttered sore, and his bridle-hand shook. 
 
174 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 And at night, as oft restless and wakeful he lay, 
 
 A something would seem to his spirit to say 
 
 A something half-like to a grim shadow beckoning 
 
 " Some day, my friend, we must come to a reckoning ! " 
 
 Time fled, and the Colonel became very grumpy; 
 He daily grew more and more shaky and jumpy; 
 Till a certain occurrence upset him most direly, 
 And gave him a turn which reformed him entirely. 
 
 Now, Kleekeepore is a place well known; 
 Climate quite of the temperate zone, 
 
 Scarce harmful to health or to female beauty. 
 It boasts of a lovely public garden, 
 
 And ride, well, Mall, I beg its pardon, 
 And crowds of gents upon general duty. 
 In fact, so pleas'ant it seems in their eyes, 
 And each unemployed wallah so surely applies 
 To be kindly allowed in that Station to stay, 
 Doing his nothing, and drawing his pay, 
 That it isn't the least hyperbolic to say 
 It's a sort of field ofiicer's Paradise. 
 
 A famous old Gen'ral once dwelt in the Station, 
 Whose mem'ry is held in extreme veneration ; 
 
 And so 'twas agreed 
 
 'Twould be proper indeed, 
 Lest time should the sense of his merits efface 
 (And perhaps with a view to adorning the place), 
 To hoist him aloft, where he'd sit looking at you, 
 In the shape of a splendid equestrian statue. 
 
THE PAINTING OF THE STATUE. 175 
 
 The statue was reared, having first been inspected, 
 No doubt, as the soldierly statue expected ; 
 Then covered up well, and with hoarding protected ; 
 And a grand parade fixed, with great pomp to unveil it, 
 And with trumpets, and drums, and salutings, to hail it. 
 But, lo ! on the eve of that glorious morn, 
 Unseen in the dark, 
 By bad men, for a lark, 
 
 Some pots full of paint to that statue were borne. 
 In the dead of the night, 
 
 When nobody knew, 
 They striped it with white, 
 Red, and also with blue ; 
 Bedaubing, those sinners, that worthy old soul 
 With the colours you see on a barber's pole. 
 They also, to make the defacement more horrid, 
 Put Sammy marks three, very big, on his forehead; 
 Then putting the covering much as they found it, 
 And leaving no signs of marauding around it, 
 They slipped away safe, ere the red morning broke, 
 And the very clouds blushed that had witnessed the joke. 
 Loud sounded reveille, and trumpet, and drumming 
 Announced to the world that the soldiers were coming. 
 The glittering troops were soon formed on parade, 
 And the sun flashed on bayonet, harness, and blade. 
 The ladies turned out in neat-habited throng, 
 On their silk-coated Arab steeds cantering along, 
 Or in carriage reposing, 
 And some of them dozing, 
 
 Drew up, with the "great unemployed," in the shade; 
 While as far as the eye 
 Could, unaided, descry, 
 Rose a dense mass of turbans, surmounting black faces, 
 
1 76 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 Whose owners stood packed, or were fighting for places. 
 Old Colonel McWine 
 In full dress, very fine, 
 Proudly sate on his horse 
 At the head of his corps, 
 
 With his "jumps," rather worse 
 Than he'd felt them before; 
 
 For he'd boozed very late overnight at the Mess, 
 Only leaving in time to allow him to dress ; 
 And he said to himself as he mounted, that morn 
 " There's a screw out of order, as sure as I'm born. 
 I cannot make out what's the matter with me 
 By Gad, one would think I was in for D. T. 
 If I'd liquored up lately, 'twere likely bah ! stuff ! 
 It's mere weakness, I'm certain. I don't drink enough." 
 But he knew, poor old chap, that he did all the while, 
 And he tried, with such logic, his fears to beguile. 
 
 Well, the crisis was coming, the spectacle ready, 
 
 The ladies excited, the troops standing steady. 
 
 Save the surge of the crowd, not a sound could be heard : 
 
 The guns all unlimbered, awaiting the word. 
 
 It was given, and then as the ears were assailed 
 
 With the roar and the crash, 
 
 And the band's brazen clash, 
 The shroud was removed, and the statue unveiled ! 
 
 There, on weird piebald steed, and ablaze in the sun, 
 All red, white, and blue sate the much-honoured one; 
 While the Staff looked dumbfounded and mute with surprise. 
 And the soldiers all giggled, and rubbed at their eyes, 
 And the crowd buzzed aloud, like a concourse of flies. 
 
THE PAINTING OF THE STATUE. 177 
 
 The jokers had won. 
 And considered it fun, 
 But the serious said 'twas atrociously done. 
 The hair of our friend, 
 Old McWine, stood on end. 
 He gave but one look 
 
 At the piebald erection; 
 Like an aspen -leaf shook, 
 And, in utter dejection, 
 With strange altered face, 
 
 As with brains in an addle, 
 Rode straight from the place, 
 Sitting limp in his saddle ; 
 
 Low mutt'ring the while, through the rum-ti-tuin-tumming 
 " I knew it I feared it I felt it was coming ! " 
 
 He heard not the hubbub that rose in his rear; 
 
 The growls of the thousands so horribly sold ; 
 The big-wigs' " Confound it!" the ladies' "Oh, dear!" 
 
 Or the " Ah-bahs ! " and " Allans ! " that black disgust told 
 
 He heard not the parley that followed the diddle; 
 
 The deep execrations on those who'd projected it; 
 The useless surmises at solving the riddle 
 
 "Whoever on earth were the rogues who effected it?" 
 
 He heard not the word to dismiss the parade, and 
 The sudden renewal of blowing and drumming. 
 
 He rode grimly on to the house where he stayed, and 
 Dismounted, low mumbling, "I knew it was coming." 
 
 His bearer approached, but he shirked the man's glance; 
 He walked to his room, like a man in a trance; 
 
 N 
 
178 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 He cast off his uniform, crept into bed, 
 
 And pulled up the counterpane over his head ; 
 
 Then, in voice so sepulchrally pitched, 'twould have shocked a 
 
 Less scene-hardened bearer, said, " Fetch me the doctor ! " 
 
 The medico came in hot haste from the field, 
 
 And a comical sight to his gaze was revealed. 
 
 The Colonel rose up, like a ghost, whisp'ring, "See 
 
 It has bagged me at last, doctor ! " " What? " " Why D. T. 
 
 "The statue the statue! Oh, Lord, it's too true! 
 It seemed to me speckled with red, white, and blue ! " 
 Then he covered his head, and sank back as before, 
 And the doctor dropped into a side-splitting roar, 
 And laughed till his tears fell like rain on the floor. 
 
 " Oh, Colonel, forgive me ; by Jove, it's too rare ! 
 'T A as not an illusion that startled you there ! 
 It wasn't a thing of your brain mocking at you ! 
 Twas simply some larkers have painted the statue ! " 
 
 McWine ultimately believed what he said, 
 
 But 'twas only when others had gravely assured him ; 
 
 And the practical joke, which thus sent him to bed, 
 Roused some sober reflections, which happily cured him. 
 
THE BISHOP AT SEA. 
 
 A STORY I've heard of a bishop out here, 
 
 Who lived in the old, old day, 
 And, disliking the sea, more at home did appear 
 
 On the see that don't end with an A. 
 
 Occasion he had a short voyage to make 
 In the burst of the autumn monsoon, 
 
 With his truly soul-stirring discourse to awake 
 The slumbering souls at Rangoon. 
 179 
 
i8o LAYS OF IND. 
 
 The sea it was rough, and the ship it did lurch, 
 
 And it blew without reason or ruth; 
 And the consequence was this mainstay of the Church 
 
 Suffered much for the sake of the truth. 
 
 The sea it grew rougher, the night it grew black, 
 And the rain-drops fell heavy and thick, 
 
 And the Bishop he heartily wished himself back, 
 And Rangoon it might go to Old Nick ! 
 
 He stumbled on deck, and the tempest descried : 
 
 But, before he retired to his bed, 
 He took the bold skipper a moment aside, 
 
 And thus to the skipper he said: 
 
 "O skipper, I really enjoy a good blow, 
 
 And 'tis truly a glorious sight; 
 But your candid opinion I'm anxious to know, 
 
 Do you think there is danger to-night?" 
 
 The skipper he hitched himself up, and he laughed, 
 
 Then he suddenly grew very grave, 
 As a hurricane squall seemed to stagger the craft, 
 
 And she buried her nose in a wave. 
 
 And he said, "Well, your grace, it's a dirtyish night, 
 
 But whether the vessel will ride, 
 I really can't tell you ; we'll know before light : 
 
 In Providence we must confide." 
 
 " Good gracious ! " the Bishop exclaimed in dismay, 
 
 As he clutched at his old shovel hat, 
 " This is terrible, skipper ! you don't mean to say 
 
 That really it has come to thatl" 
 
THE GENERAL DUTY COVE. 
 
 I KNEW a Major Biffin, who 
 
 But rarely said a single word. 
 
 He looked as if he fed on rue, 
 
 This melancholy bird ! 
 
 One day we sat at tiffin, in 
 
 A cool and cuscus-tattied room; 
 I said, "Remain not, Biffin, in 
 Thy customary gloom. 
 181 
 
1S2 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 "But cheer thee, Biffin, for a while 
 
 Unbosom all thy griefs." He strove, 
 And murmured, with a sickly smile, 
 " General duty cove ! " 
 
 "Ah! true," said I; "but, Biffin, that 
 Means pay and nothing for to do, 
 To wear sometimes a cocked hat, 
 And gaze at a review." 
 
 "Oh, friend!" said he; and as he spoke 
 
 His lingual bonds seemed loosed; "I am 
 A walking military joke 
 
 A scarlet-coated sham ! 
 
 "I do no work of any sort, 
 
 Save seeing whether flowers will grow 
 In spite of weeds and spite of drought 
 About my bungalow. 
 
 "They would not let me have a wing, 
 
 Because my name trailed no H s; 
 They wouldn't give me anything 
 But pay and idleness ! 
 
 "They bundled me up-country quick, 
 And stowed me in this Station hot, 
 Where God knows whether I shall stick 
 Or whether I shall not ! 
 
 " I count the slow revolving suns, 
 I reckon night succeeding night, 
 I count the distant booming guns 
 
 They fire at some sham fight; 
 
THE GENERAL DUTY COVE. 183 
 
 " I count each month the bright rupees 
 
 My butler brings me in a bag 
 Some day I'll purchase, if you please, 
 Your inexpensive nag. 
 
 "I count the strong memorials I 
 
 Have forwarded, and got returned 
 There, in that bullock- trunk, they lie 
 A goodish lot I've burned, 
 
 " I count the grey hairs on my pate, 
 Which gradually creep up higher; 
 I count the years I'll have to wait 
 Before I can retire. 
 
 " I count the pension I shall get 
 Eleven hundred pounds a year, 
 Good wage for lounging, that, and yet 
 I do as little here. 
 
 "I sicken at the prospect, though, 
 The future looks so flat and blank. 
 I wish to God that I could go 
 
 On pension of my rank ! 
 
 "The field is closed the door is shut- 
 in indolence I'm growing faint. 
 I know the right stuff's in me, but 
 
 They seem to think it ain't ! 
 
 "Well, well I'll draw my monthly pay- 
 
 The sound o' siller's some relief. 
 Now, like a good man, go away, 
 
 And leave me to my grief!" 
 
1 84 
 
 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 I rose, but ere I lifted up 
 
 The cuscus tatty at the door, 
 Of b.-and s. a parting sup 
 
 I claimed, and then some more; 
 
 And as the last I slowly quaffed, 
 
 I said, "Good-bye shake off this onus. 
 Is there no cure?" He grimly laughed, 
 
 And muttering, answered, " Bonus ! " 
 
TO A GRIFFIN. 
 
 So YOU'RE bound for the country of curry and rice, sir? 
 Well, take on one point an old stager's advice, sir ! 
 Just purge from your mind every English-formed notion 
 Of Ind, ere you get to the Indian Ocean. 
 The English are people what thinker can doubt it? 
 Who know and who care very little about it. 
 Just look at the way Members, even the best, shun, 
 In Lords or in Commons, an Indian Question. 
 They're bound, once a year, to look into the budget ; 
 They spare it one sitting, and most of them grudge it; 
 But talk about opening a park or a gutter, 
 The benches are crowded, and all in a flutter. 
 M.P.s, as you know, are our ablest and best ! ! ! 
 So what do you think we can say of the rest? 
 Why, there's hardly a schoolboy to whom Indian history, 
 Bar a few facts, isn't next to a mystery. 
 There's scarcely a man, if you ask unexpectedly, 
 Can tell how it's governed at present, connectedly. 
 You've heard the old jokes about truculent dhoolies, 
 The wild tribe of Hadjees, and ice-machine coolies, 
 Of paddy-fields, meaning an Irish location? 
 They're samples of what is believed by the nation. 
 
 185 
 
i86 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 It wouldn't surprise me to hear that they've told yer 
 
 You'll live like a prince on your pay as a soldier; 
 
 A sub and you'll save something under a million. 
 
 Ah me ! what a pity you're not a civilian. 
 
 It wouldn't surprise me to find you believing 
 
 That magnates still spend half their coin in receiving 
 
 Keep house in a style of Nabob prodigality, 
 
 And rival each other's profuse hospitality. 
 
 I'd venture a wager you think every native 
 
 Is either a toady or blood-thirsty caitiff; 
 
 Uncov'nanted-wallahs some shady profession, 
 
 And Ind for Bengal but another expression; 
 
 That cobras are found ever} 7 day in your slippers ; 
 
 That horses are cheap, and all Arabs are clippers; 
 
 That life in a Station's all romping and riot, 
 
 And curry and rice is your principal diet; 
 
 That missionary hardships would move you to pity; 
 
 That tigers are common, and ayahs are pretty; 
 
 That sweet English girls, by the P. and O. carried 
 
 By hundreds, are no sooner landed than married ; 
 
 Et caet'ra, et caet'ra all rank fal-the-lal, sir: 
 
 Just drop such ideas in the Suez Canal, sir! 
 
TEETH, TEETH, TEETH! 
 
 AMONG the many ills white flesh is prey to, 
 
 In India's hot and enervating plains 
 Mosquito's angry buzz by night and day too, 
 
 The winged ants begotten of the rains, 
 The crescent-tailed scorpion in your slippers, 
 
 The deadly cobra and the carpet-snake, 
 The horne'd beetle with its horrid nippers, 
 
 The punkah-pullers who wont keep awake, 
 The tom-tom and the servants' loud contention 
 
 Are bad enough, but oh ! there's worse to mention. 
 
 You may be proud and pucka in position, 
 
 Collector, or a General of Brigade, 
 Your funds may be in flourishing condition, 
 
 You ne'er may have to seek the sowcar's aid 
 You may divert your mind with much shikarring, 
 
 Or serve nigh half your service on the hills, 
 You may not know an inconvenience, barring 
 
 Th' already mentioned necessary ills; 
 God save you, then, from what Tve known, forsooth 
 
 No dentist, and an agonizing tooth ! 
 
 187 
 
THE TWO MACBETHS. 
 
 'Tis sweet, I think 'tis said in more 
 
 Than one poetic book, 
 To see men turn from fields of gore 
 
 To ply the reaping-hook. 
 
 'Tis also sweet when soldiers brave 
 
 Doff regulation swords, 
 And, corked and rouged, sublimely rave 
 
 Upon the Station boards. 
 
 The only drawback seems to be 
 
 This well-established fact, 
 That every amateur thinks he, 
 
 And he alone, can act. 
 
 And so it often comes to pass 
 
 That things go all awry, 
 And what should only be a farce 
 
 Becomes a tragedy. 
 
 Now Major Swill and Doctor Pill 
 
 Were rivals on the stage, 
 And played with histrionic skill 
 
 Beyond the average. 
 188 
 
THE TWO MACBETHS. 189 
 
 But so I'm told 't has ever been 
 With actors small and great 
 
 They hated one another, e'en 
 With diabolic hate. 
 
 No stage committee's wheedling way, 
 
 No managerial art, 
 Could make them e'er together play, 
 
 Or take a minor part. 
 
 If Doctor Pill played Romeo, 
 
 Would Swill take Friar Laurence ? 
 
 No Pill be jiggered not for Joe 
 The part was his abhorrence. 
 
 "With Box by Swill and Cox by Pill 
 The cast would be so good." 
 
 Those vulgar farces made him ill 
 Pill didn't think he could. 
 
 One day the corps dramatic tried 
 
 To settle on a play, 
 But failed the question to decide 
 
 In any sort of way. 
 
 At last said Major Swill, "I vote 
 For Macbeth! What's the odds?" 
 
 At which a few the table smote, 
 And cried aloud, "Ye gods!" 
 
 A member mildly said he thought 
 
 The heavy tragic line 
 Was one where so experience taught- 
 
 Few amateurs could shine. 
 
LAYS OF IND. 
 
 The manager protested too; 
 
 He knew as much as most, 
 But wondered how they meant to do 
 
 The working of the Ghost. 
 
 But most approved the bright idea, 
 And squashed the sceptic few, 
 
 And proved with logic very clear 
 'Twas not so hard to do. 
 
 Then Doctor Pill upraised his voice 
 
 In accents of contempt, 
 And said, "Well, gentlemen, your choice 
 
 Beats all I could have dreamt. 
 
 "Will Major Swill now really deign 
 
 As Macbeth to appear?" 
 When next he favours us again, 
 
 Perhaps he'll do King Lear" 
 
 Swill put his eye-glass to his eye, 
 
 And gave his foe a stare; 
 And said, "I can conjecture why, 
 
 But Pill is scarcely fair. 
 
 "Why shouldn't others have their fling, 
 
 When he such credit got 
 By his delicious rendering 
 
 Ha! ha! of Claude Melnottel" 
 
 Now Pill felt gall within his soul : 
 
 This was a master-stroke; 
 For Pill in that romantic role 
 
 Had been a Station joke. 
 
THE TWO MACBETHS. 191 
 
 And matters looked a little queer, 
 
 And tended to a row, 
 When someone rose and said, "Look here, 
 
 I think I've hit it now. 
 
 "Let's have Macbeth 'twill take, no doubt, 
 
 Though 'tis a boldish start ; 
 And Swill and Pill can, night about, 
 
 Perform the leading part. 
 
 "Toss up for nights there that's your line- 
 It's very often done. 
 
 Thus both the stars will have their shine, 
 And we shall have our fun." 
 
 This sage proposal threw a gloss 
 
 Of concord on the scene ; 
 Swill said he would be glad to toss, 
 
 And Pill was quite as keen. 
 
 They tossed for nights. The Major won, 
 
 And chose the opening night; 
 And all agreed that what was done 
 
 Was very fair and right. 
 
 The bill was drawn "the season starts 
 
 With Macbeth only twice," 
 Et caetera : and then the parts 
 
 Were settled in a trice. 
 
 King Duncan Pat O'Flynn would take 
 
 "He'd throy it shure enough;" 
 And Corporal MacBean would make 
 A natural Macdujf. 
 
192 LA YS OF 2ND. 
 
 Brown, Jones, and Robinson would get 
 
 Up as the Scottish host ; 
 Biggs (Staff Corps, unemployed) was set 
 
 To represent the Ghost. 
 
 The Witches would, 'twas understood, 
 
 Be cast some future day; 
 And Spinks, a new-fledged Ensign, would 
 
 The Lady Mac portray. 
 
 The night came on, and Major Swill 
 
 Was glorious as Macbeth, 
 That dagger scene it haunts me still, 
 
 And takes away my breath ! 
 
 Some people said the audience jeered, 
 
 But that was clearly spite ; 
 For Major Swill declared they cheered ; 
 
 / did with all my might. 
 
 The only thing that made him go 
 
 Behind the scenes, and swear, 
 Was Pill, who from the stalls below 
 
 Looked up with stony stare. 
 
 " That stony stare, my Pill," he said, 
 " Will bring you grief and sorrow ; " 
 
 And wicked thoughts came in his head 
 With reference to the morrow. 
 
 The Lady Mac that's Spinks, you know 
 
 Was rather fond of wine. 
 Said Swill unto himself, " Ho ! ho ! 
 
 I'll ask young Spinks to dine." 
 
THE TWO MACBETHS. 193 
 
 He came, and Swill did never think 
 Of shame, remorse, or funk, 
 
 But basely made the Lady drink 
 Away till she was drunk. 
 
 Then drove her round in time to meet 
 
 The prompter's final call; 
 And entering, calmly took his seat 
 
 In Pill's abandoned stall. 
 
 The curtain rose; but why prolong 
 
 This history of spleen ? 
 Pill really came out very strong 
 
 Till Spinks came on the scene. 
 
 A lurch a hiccup more and then 
 
 Pill saw the cruel sell ; 
 And Swill he whistled softly when 
 
 Spinks and the curtain fell. 
 
 This was the last attempt they made 
 At Shakespeare in that corps; 
 
 And Messrs. Swill and Pill ne'er played 
 Alternate any more. 
 
 Indeed 'twas darkly given out 
 That, reconcilement scorning, 
 
 They had an unsuccessful bout 
 At pistol-shots one morning. 
 
THE SUSPICIOUS JUDGE; 
 
 OR, THE GEHENNA OF MISTRUST. 
 
 CHIEF JUSTICE SIR CRANBURY TART 
 Had expended the cream of his life, 
 
 When he gave his acquaintance a start 
 By espousing a juvenile wife. 
 
 Little Margaret that was her name 
 Was an innocent flirt, by the way ; 
 
 And encouraged the innocent flame 
 Of innocent Mr. du Lait. 
 194 
 
THE SUSPICIOUS JUDGE. 195 
 
 The Judge was, by common report, 
 As superior a Judge as you'd find; 
 
 He would see through a wall in his Court, 
 But at home was no judge of mankind. 
 
 For this innocent Mr. du Lait 
 He eyed with suspicious regard ; 
 
 And he put, when he left for the day, 
 An intelligent bearer on guard, 
 
 Who ought to have proved to the Judge, 
 By reporting each eve "sub burrabur," 
 
 That 'twas simply ridiculous fudge 
 Such degrading suspicions to harbour. 
 
 "Well, Ramsammy, what have you seen? 
 
 Any news about Mr. du Lait?" 
 " No single one gentleman's been ; 
 
 Missis sleeping the most of the day." 
 
 And a similar answer was given 
 By Ramsammy week after week, 
 
 Till at last the Chief Justice was driven 
 To look on himself as a sneak. 
 
 Which opinion he held for a space, 
 Till he learned, to his horror, one day, 
 
 That the bearer was tired of his place, 
 And was going to Mr. du Lait ; 
 
 And that Mr. du Lait was to start, 
 In a sudden tourbillon of bustle, 
 
 For a place very deep in the heart 
 Of the solitudes of the Mofussil. 
 
196 LAYS OF 1ND. 
 
 Oh, what slender occurrences lead 
 To a world of suspicion and pain ! 
 
 For distrust there was really no need ; 
 But he never was happy again ! 
 
 What more natural thing for a nigger 
 Than leaving old master for new, 
 
 Especially seeing the figger 
 Of wage was superior too? 
 
 And it seems very hard that a gent 
 Of repute such as Mr. du Lait, 
 
 Can't on duty be suddenly sent 
 Without being a "vilain suspect? 
 
 O Elders ! your hell has begun, 
 If at sixty you marry with youth, 
 
 And can't be persuaded that fun 
 
 May be coupled with virtue and truth ! 
 
THE QUESTION OF THE DAY. 
 
 Is the wild rumour true? Is the deep-scheming Russ 
 Meditating a final extinction of us? 
 
 Does he dream, as he toils o'er the Mid-Asian sands, 
 That each " steppe " brings him nearer to these sunny lands, 
 Only waiting to fall, like a plum, to his hands? 
 
 Is he fired by the will of old Peter the rough? 
 Are his fatherland's acres not ample enough? 
 Does his mouth water greatly for our curry stuff? 
 
 Is he proud of weak Khiva's loud-sung overthrow? 
 
 Will our steel-tipped walls fall when his trumpets shall blow? 
 
 Does he think Hindostan is a new Jericho? 
 
 Does he hope that the Sikh, if his legions e'er halt 
 'Neath the Khyber, will prove renegade to his salt? 
 Then his Mutiny-reading is strangely at fault. 
 
 197 
 
198 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 Does he trust that our Princes, who rule their own lands, 
 Will unite common cause with his hungering bands? 
 Ask the Khivan how high Russian honesty stands ! 
 
 Let him come ! let him try ! let him work out his plan ; 
 Let him manage to wriggle through Affghanistan, 
 And debouch on the Gilead below if he can ! 
 
 Let him shout that the conqu'ror of Khiva has come, 
 With the Affghans, arrayed to the sound of his drum, 
 To help him to eat this nice Indian plum ! 
 
 He will learn that, perhaps, the keen steel of the Sikh 
 In a different tongue from the Khivan's can speak, 
 And will battle with his, any day of the week. 
 
 He will find too, maybe, that the race of the men 
 Who faced him at Inkermann, two to ten, 
 Will face him and beat him again and again ! 
 
 What need we fear in the threatened fight, 
 
 When the Russ will come down in his boasted might? 
 
 We might fear, if, with us, he could boast of his right. 
 
 We might blench, if we knew that we undertrod 
 The souls that we rule by the will of God : 
 If we ruled o'er the land with a Russian rod. 
 
 We might forfeit that land, if we ground it as stone, 
 Not ranking its millions of men as our own, 
 As flesh of our flesh, and as bone of our bone; 
 
THE QUESTION OF THE DAY. 199 
 
 Not raising the hearts of its sons from the dust, 
 
 Not wielding our sway as a sacred trust, 
 
 Nor forswearing the past with its greed and its lust, 
 
 Not holding fair scales to the white and the black, 
 Nor sowing our love in the famine's track; 
 Then foes, not lieges, might be at our back ! 
 
 No ! deep scheming Russ i ere our vineyard you wrest, 
 Make your own Asian herdsmen a little more blest; 
 Make your own subject-peoples feel ruled, not oppressed ! 
 
 Teach your Khivans to know you are just as you're strong, 
 Your Bokharans to feel no deep smouldering wrong 
 Or around your own rearguard avengers may throng. 
 
 Teach the Mid-Asian world to accept its new lord 
 Not new barbaric chief to the old savage horde, 
 But a power bringing culture as well as the sword. 
 
 We are ready to greet you if this be your aim, 
 
 If the end of your conquest and ours be the same ; 
 
 We can speak for our conquests, then, both, without shame. 
 
 We are ready to hail you as friends in the East, 
 Each fulfilling its mission as Progress's priest, 
 Rousing nations to life whose life-pulses have ceased. 
 
 But if other than this be your motive, stand back ! 
 
 If your mind is on conquest, and ruin, and rack, 
 
 We have swords in our hands, and our arms are not slack. 
 
200 
 
 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 If this preaching benevolence prove a mere cloak, 
 
 This raising dead Asia a grim Russian joke, 
 
 Come on ! Dash yourselves 'gainst the old hearts of oak ! 
 
 To the great God of Battles the issue we trust, 
 And, if victory sets to the fearless and just, 
 Your proud-soaring eagles will trail in the dust ! 
 
THE DESERTED BUNGALOW. 
 
 ( 71i e following is substantially true.) 
 
 THERE stands on the isle of Seringapatam, 
 By the Cauvery, eddying fast, 
 A bungalow lonely, 
 And tenanted only 
 By memories of the past. 
 
 It has stood, as though under a curse or spell, 
 Untouched since the year that Tippoo fell. 
 
 The garden about it is tangled and wild, 
 Sad trees sigh close to its eaves, 
 And the dark lithe shapes 
 Of chattering apes 
 Swing in and out of the leaves; 
 And when night's dank vapours rise grey and foul, 
 The silence is rent by the shrill screech-owl. 
 
 The windows are shuttered, the doors are shut, 
 And the odour and stain of decay 
 Is on plaster and beam, 
 And the stone steps seem 
 To be ooze-corroding away; 
 
 And the air all around is as tinged with the breath 
 Of the felt, though invisible, presence of Death. 
 201 
 
202 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 Twas a pleasant abode, no doubt, in its prime; 
 Two storeyed, facing the tide ; 
 A verandah deep, 
 And a broad stone sweep 
 Of steps to the riverside, 
 And a boat-house, close to the water's edge, 
 Flanking the stairs, on a rocky ledge. 
 
 The stream flows by in a low-banked curve, 
 And higher up, to the right, 
 Are the battlements grey 
 That could not stay 
 The rush of old England's might; 
 And, higher up still, the world-famed breach 
 A lesson we to posterity teach. 
 
 Stirring the times were those times, forsooth, 
 And bold the hearts of our men, 
 Who plunged through water, 
 And rocks and slaughter, 
 And carried the tiger's den. 
 Heroic the onset and crushing the blow 
 That was struck near this lonely bungalow. 
 
 When the siege was over a Colonel dwelt 
 With his wife and daughters here, 
 In command of the fort 
 Where the bloody sport 
 Had cost Mysore so dear. 
 I can fancy the girls with their prattle light, 
 And the house all trim, and the garden bright; 
 
THE DESERTED BUNGALOW. 203 
 
 And the merry party afoot on the steps, 
 Looking across the stream, 
 Or swinging afloat 
 In their pleasure boat, 
 Under the soft moonbeam, 
 With the cool breeze over the water blowing, 
 Making amends for the midday glowing. 
 
 I think I can see in the early morn 
 The horses held at the door, 
 And the girls riding out 
 With the Colonel stout 
 To visit the breach once more, 
 Or gaze at the gate where Tippoo fell, 
 Stabbed to death in the fierce pell-mell. 
 
 And then the breakfast after the ride, 
 Under the shadowy trees, 
 Mamma in her chair, 
 And the homely fare, 
 And the Colonel at his ease, 
 Conning the sheets of the night-brought post, 
 Between attacks on the tea and toast. 
 
 And, after, the long yet happy day 
 In the cuscus-tattied gloom, 
 The cheery tiffin. 
 And giggling griffin 
 'Sconced in the drawing-room ; 
 And the voice of the grand piano, half 
 Hushing the man's and maiden's laugh. 
 
204 LA ys OF 
 
 And hushed they were ; for one dreadful eve 
 The Cholera tapped at the door ; 
 Nor knocked in vain, 
 For mother and twain 
 Answered the summons sore. 
 When dawn broke over the house next day, 
 The mother and daughters had passed away. 
 
 The Colonel buried his loved ones three, 
 Then fled from the house of woe. 
 And ne'er since then 
 Have the feet of men 
 Trod in that bungalow, 
 Save feet of the traveller, passing near, 
 Who turns to see 'it, and drops a tear. 
 
 The mouldering rooms are now as they stood 
 Near eighty years ago : 
 The piano is there, 
 And table and chair, 
 And the carpet, rotting slow, 
 And the beds whereon the corpses lay, 
 And the curtains half time-mawed away. 
 
 A type of gloom and decay and death, 
 And happiness overcast, 
 
 Is this bungalow lonely, 
 And tenanted only 
 By memories of the past. 
 Peace to the shades of the three who died 
 In that lonely house by the Cauvery's tide ! 
 
THE RIGHTS OF WOMAN. 
 
 ON the hills they call Neilgherries, 
 Where they grow the coffee-berries, 
 And the climate's just a mean between the torrid and the 
 
 cold, 
 
 There exists a race of niggers, 
 Of extraordinary riggers, 
 
 And of habits so peculiar, that their story must be told. 
 
 205 
 
206 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 Their secluded habitations 
 
 Are but simple excavations, 
 With a cover like a kennel, or the section of a tub. 
 
 Their apparel very odd is 
 
 Just a blanket on their bodies, 
 And the milk of cattle constitutes their only sort of grub. 
 
 They a very ancient race are, 
 
 Yellow-coloured in the face are, 
 And {1 Toda" is the name by which the family is known; 
 
 They are not at all offensive, 
 
 Save to noses apprehensive, 
 And the only thing they ask is, that they may be let alone. 
 
 Their women are enormous, 
 
 And, as they themselves inform us, 
 
 Are in matrimonial matters quite the wonder of the sex : 
 Polyandrist is each lady, 
 And she doesn't think it shady 
 
 To have half a dozen husbands is a usitata lex. 
 
 We may think the custom curious, 
 
 And socially injurious, 
 And call upon the State to such a sin to put a stop : 
 
 Holding those who do the habit 
 
 On a level with the rabbit, 
 
 And deserving what the rabbit gets when caught upon the 
 hop. 
 
THE RIGHTS OF WOMAN. 
 
 207 
 
 But is it more immoral, 
 
 If the husbands do not quarrel, 
 Than to keep a lot of spouses, like the Mormon or the Turk? 
 
 'Tis a very funny question, 
 
 Which I give as a suggestion 
 To those people who so nobly for the rights of woman work. 
 
AN OMISSION. 
 
 OH, there's nothing in Ind half so sweet as a plunge 
 In a jolly big tub, with a jolly big sponge ! 
 Lord Byron of sweets most enchantingly sings, 
 And mentions all manner of saccharine things, 
 Running all through the list in most masterly fashion, 
 From gondolier's songs to the first thrills of passion ; 
 And though many others, nigh thirty, approving, 
 Declares, to his mind there is nothing like loving. 
 Tom Moore also wrote something gushing and neat 
 About Love's young dream being awfully sweet ; 
 And most of the poets have rhymed about what, 
 In their private opinion, 's delicious or not; 
 But none, though they certainly haven't abused it, 
 Have lauded the tub. Let us hope that they used it. 
 
 O ye who are serving your country in Ind, 
 And know what is meant by a hot-weather wind ; 
 Who've melted from morning to evening, and wondered 
 You lived, with thermometer marking a hundred ; 
 Who've tossed about fretting, and scolding all night 
 Punkah-wallahs who snooze and mosquitoes who bite; 
 Who've risen at morn unrefreshed from your bed, 
 With a horrible temper and terrible head, 
 A craving for liquor, a loathing for grub, 
 Ye know what delight's in a good roomy tub ! 
 208 
 
GOD SPEED THE PRINCE OF WALES." 
 
 An Ode of Welcome. 
 
 Ho ! land of Ind, arouse thyself, 
 
 And loud thy praises be, 
 That England's heir, thy future lord, 
 
 Is coming o'er the sea. 
 Great Englishmen have sought thy shores, 
 
 But none so great as he. 
 
 Flash brightly out, thou gem of East, 
 
 And hail thy royal guest, 
 Who comes to closer bind the bonds 
 
 That knit thee to the West; 
 The bonds of peace and justice, 
 
 Not chains of the oppressed. 
 
 No sword-girt tyrant hastes to thee, 
 
 To bruise or smite thee down ; 
 No Muscovite in search of Eastern 
 
 Jewels for his crown; 
 But Prince with heart wide ope to thee, 
 
 And face that wears no frown. 
 
210 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 No cries for vengeance from a nation 
 
 Outraged come with him : 
 No thirstings for dominion new, 
 
 No threats, no bodings grim 
 He toasts thee with a cup of goodwill 
 
 Flowing to the brim. 
 
 Then, land of Ind, arouse thyself 
 
 And cast before his feet 
 Thy offering of affection, 
 
 And the homage that is meet, 
 And Friend and Friendship's Emblem, 
 
 As well as Emperor greet. 
 
 Let all the dusky millions 
 In field and thronged bazaar 
 
 Thy loyal native Princes 
 In the glittering Durbar, 
 
 Acclaim the Prince, who comes to gaze 
 On India's rising star. 
 
 And let the mimic clash of arms 
 The warrior's welcome speak, 
 
 And tent-spread plain exhibit no 
 Confederation weak, 
 
 Of stalwart Briton linked with Hindoo, 
 Mussulman, and Sikh. 
 
 From hill-bound east to sea-girt west, 
 Steep north to blazing south, 
 
 From central sweeps of plenty, 
 And regions saved from drouth 
 
 Let hearty acclamation ring 
 From one accordant mouth ! 
 
GOD SPEED THE PRINCE OP WALES: 
 
 Then pray no European storms, 
 
 Or Eastern ocean gales, 
 Arrest the weighing anchor, 
 
 Or stay his spreading sails; 
 And let him catch upon the breeze 
 
 " God speed the Prince of Wales ! " 
 
 211 
 
MAY AND DECEMBER. 
 
 THEY were wed at Murree, 
 
 All in a hurry 
 I saw it done in the church. 
 
 I did not call 
 
 Them a match at all, 
 Colonel and Mrs. Birch. 
 
 She was slim, petite, 
 And her smile was sweet, 
 
 But it seemed a joyless smile : 
 Such as saint might make 
 When tied to the stake, 
 
 Or Suttee mounting the pile. 
 
 She must have been 
 
 Just seventeen; 
 She looked scarce more than a child. 
 
 Afraid she seemed, 
 
 But her mother beamed, 
 
 And then the poor thing smiled. 
 
 212 
 
MA Y AND DECEMBER. 213 
 
 She gasped each word, 
 
 It was hardly heard, 
 Though she strove with her might and main; 
 
 Her father's glance 
 
 Caught hers askance, 
 And so she smiled again. 
 
 The husband was red, 
 
 With a bullet head, 
 And a weather-beaten skin ; 
 
 His years threescore, 
 
 Or a trifle more, 
 And he had a double chin. 
 
 A stern, hard man, 
 
 Did you rightly scan 
 The cast of his upper lip ; 
 
 Who wouldn't laugh 
 
 If you dared to chaff 
 Concerning the wedding trip. 
 
 He was rich, they say, 
 
 Drew handsome pay- 
 Three years, and he could retire. 
 
 The parents bade, 
 
 And the little maid 
 Meekly walked to the fire. 
 
 He was old and stout, 
 
 All that no doubt. 
 They knew it as well as we. 
 
 But they closed their eyes, 
 
 And they bagged their prize, 
 What a son-in-law he would be! 
 
214 LAYS OF 2ND. 
 
 And where was the use 
 
 Of her being a goose? 
 He'd a good account at the bank. 
 
 Why should they, care 
 
 If he'd little hair, 
 As long as he gave her rank? 
 
 Wouldn't she sit, 
 
 She little chit- 
 Even her mother above? 
 
 Why should they ask her, 
 
 Why should they task her 
 About such a thing, as love ? 
 
 Love? Never mind. 
 
 Of course he'd be kind, 
 Give her a home and carriage, 
 
 Dresses no end, 
 
 Money to spend ; 
 Those the essentials of marriage ! 
 
 That's what they thought, 
 That's what they taught, 
 
 Meaning her happiness too. 
 People world-hardened 
 Don't ask to be pardoned 
 
 For taking this practical view 
 
 And so, as I said, 
 
 The couple were wed, 
 And left for their wedding tour; 
 
 And when they returned, 
 
 I think she had learned 
 What is meant by the word "endure." 
 
MA Y AND DECEMBER. 215 
 
 There were dinners, of course, 
 
 And the folk, in force, 
 Were asked to honour the bride. 
 
 It tried her rather; 
 
 But mother and father 
 Were happy and full of pride. 
 
 She took her place, 
 
 With a modest grace, 
 And smiled when a friend addressed her; 
 
 But else, sat quiet, 
 
 As .though the riot 
 And chatter around oppressed her. 
 
 When asked to play, 
 
 She would softly say, 
 "She was nervous could not do it;" 
 
 When others played, 
 
 A weariness weighed 
 On her face, as she listened to it. 
 
 And oft in her eyes 
 
 The moisture would rise, 
 And a sigh escape her breast. 
 
 I saw it clearly, 
 
 I noticed her nearly, 
 More narrowly '.han the rest. 
 
 And I, at a dinner, 
 
 Remarked she was thinner, 
 And the roses gone from her cheeks. 
 
 Poor child, 1 thought, 
 
 What a change is wrought 
 In the matter of five short weeks ! 
 
216 LAYS Of IND. 
 
 Then, after the first 
 
 And orthodox burst 
 Of pleasures arranged for her, 
 
 She kept to her house, 
 
 As still as a mouse, 
 A heart-broke prisoner. 
 
 Whenever I called, 
 
 The husband bald 
 Was certain to sit me out. 
 
 I'd have liked, I own, 
 
 To see her alone ; 
 Few gentlemen did, I doubt. ' 
 
 For he stood on his guard, 
 
 And the cage was well barred, 
 And no hawks came to flutter the dove 
 
 And the wife did her best 
 
 To obey his behest, 
 And rendered him all but her love. 
 
 Some women are strong, 
 
 And can suffer long, 
 And a numbness at last succeeds ; 
 
 Or, senseless to passion, 
 
 They live for fashion, 
 And dress supplies their needs. 
 
 But others arc weak, 
 
 And foolishly meek 
 Don't last to the callous stage. 
 
 They yearn and they pine, 
 
 And a grief enshrine 
 That externals cannot assuage. 
 
MAY AND DECEMBER. 217 
 
 So my sweet friend drooped, 
 
 In her prison cooped, 
 Though she never a murmur gave; 
 
 And I saw she was drifting, 
 
 Beyond uplifting, 
 Silently into the grave. 
 
 They saw she was ill. 
 
 "A fever a chill 
 She needed change, to be sure." 
 
 A chill in truth ! 
 
 Heart-chill, forsooth, 
 Is a nasty disease to cure. 
 
 They sent her away 
 
 On an early day, 
 The mother installed in charge. < : 
 
 She said "good bye" 
 
 Poor girl ! and I .... ; 
 
 Well, the lump in my throat was large. 
 
 They duly sailed, 
 
 But the sea-breeze failed 
 To blow the chill from her breast. 
 
 When she went ashore, 
 
 'Twas a corpse they bore, 
 And the girl-wife is at rest. 
 
CAPTAIN SPRINT'S WAGER. 
 
 AT Scorcheepore the heat is always something to be felt; 
 Its social ice the only thing that's never known to melt : 
 The people there, perhaps in order somehow cool to be, 
 Are cool to one another in a singular degree. 
 
 Of all its icy people, though, the iciest I met 
 Were Martin Brett, Collector, and his wife, Matilda Brett. 
 To freeze all other people seemed the object of his life ; 
 To aid him in his freezing the main object of his wife. 
 
 Now, once a year these worthies asked the Station to a feed, 
 Whereat the welcome, like the wine, was very iced indeed. 
 The guests were chill, the host and hostess frigid as the Fates; 
 It was, in fact, a cold collation, even to the plates. 
 
 From one of these quite recently, a certain Captain Sprint 
 To "stay away," as he would say, received a lucid hint; 
 That is, alone of all his set, he got no invite card, 
 And all the tongues were asking why poor Captain Sprint was 
 barred. 
 
 218 
 
CAPTAIN SPRINT'S WAGER. 219 
 
 Perhaps it was he'd never deigned to pay Matilda court, 
 Perhaps they'd heard that he had said "he couldn't stand their 
 
 sort." 
 
 He had this observation made, and friends will often take 
 Such observations to the parties meant, for friendship's sake. 
 
 Besides, he was a cheery youth brim full of pranks and fun, 
 And Scorcheepore was rather sore at things that he had done ; 
 His jolly laugh, his playful chaff, were not much valued there : 
 To chaff a live Collector is a serious affair. 
 
 'Halloa, my boy," his Colonel said, "what's this they're say- 
 ing now ? 
 
 Not asked to Brett's? An insult to the race of Sprint, I vow." 
 
 "No, Colonel, I'm not asked, but I'll be there, sir, I'll be 
 bound." 
 
 " Not you, my boy ! " "I will, sir. Come, I'll lay you twenty 
 pound." 
 
 "I'll book it," said the Colonel. "How you'll do it, I can't 
 
 see; 
 The feed's to-morrow evening and Said Sprint, "Leave 
 
 that to me. 
 
 I'm going to the dinner, though as yet I've no invite, 
 And you will hand me over twenty pounds to-morrow night." 
 
 The morrow came Full grew the spacious rooms of Madam 
 
 Brett. 
 The Colonel, entering, scanned the guests, but no, no Sprint 
 
 as yet; 
 
 And when the " rankest " dame was led to dinner by the host, 
 He thought "That silly bet of Sprint's was just a bit of boast." 
 
220 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 They sat : each paired correctly with a mate of fitting rank ; 
 
 A few, of course, dissatisfied, and looking very blank. 
 
 There never was a "burra khana" given yet in Ind 
 
 Where some at the arrangement of the pairs were not chagrined. 
 
 The grace. A silence, very long. Then talking in low tone, 
 Disjointed, dropping, fitful; everybody grim as stone. 
 The servants, in a row, behind each Sa'ib's or lady's back, 
 Like wall of white surmounted by a coping-stone of black. 
 
 Behind the Colonel's chair there stood one, taller than the rest, 
 With long white coat and turban, and arms folded on his breast. 
 He placed the Colonel's soup before him when the feed began, 
 Which made the Colonel say, " Halloa, wherever is my man ? " 
 
 " No servant come for Sa'ib to-night." " Ha ! absent. Drunk, 
 
 no doubt ! 
 
 By Gad, to-morrow, sure as eggs is eggs. I'll kick him out."- 
 
 "Pray 'scuse me, Sa'ib; he drunken fellow; bringing caste dis- 
 grace. 
 
 I told to serving Sa'ib this evening. I belong this place." 
 
 " Ha ! one of Brett's, of course. A civil sort of fellow. Stop ! 
 Confound you, don't remove my soup before I've had a drop ! " 
 Then to his fair next neighbour, " Pardon, ma'am : that nincom- 
 poop 
 Was on the point of spiriting away my plate of soup." 
 
 " Please, master, V.cuse me : plenty quick they serving courses 
 
 here. 
 
 'Fore master eat his soup they bringing fishes round, I fear. 
 Two fishes coming one ee pomfret, other tankey sort." 
 With that he calmly filled the Colonel's wine-glass up with port. 
 
CAPTAIN SPRINT'S WAGER, 
 
 "Halloa, what's this?" "Please, master, 'scuse me if I doing 
 
 wrong. 
 
 Collector always saying colonel's liking something strong." 
 " Some sherry, fool ! " "I fetching master brandy if he like." 
 The Colonel muttered something, and he looked inclined to 
 
 strike. 
 
 The Colonel took some pomfret when came round the fishy 
 
 course : 
 
 The fellow promptly over it spooned out some apple sauce. 
 " Take this away ! " the Colonel roared. " Yes, sar ! Please; 
 
 master, 'scuse. 
 If master only try, with fish this proper sauce to use." 
 
 " By Gad ! " the Colonel muttered, " Brett is playing me some 
 
 goak! 
 
 Bad form of him, by Jingo ! and a bit beyond a joke. 
 I didn't think 'twas in him. I'll be even with him, though; 
 Some day, by Gad ! I'll take occasion just to let him know." 
 
 The entrees journeyed safely through. He got some salmi fair, 
 Though on the middle of his plate he found a long black hair. 
 Such things, however, now and then are fated to appear; 
 And into his champagne the stupid fellow poured some beer. 
 
 " Take this away ! " the Colonel said, as to his doom resigned. 
 " Now, go and get a slice of mutton, and some jelly, mind." 
 It came. The Colonel choked and coughed, and uttered a loud 
 
 " damn ! " 
 The meat was good. The jelly in his mouth was strawberry 
 
 jam ! 
 
222 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 All eyes upon the Colonel. Brett much shocked, indignant too, 
 
 Apologies, but awkwardness the rest of dinner through ; 
 
 No further contretemps overt, except a tilt of cream 
 
 All down the Colonel's neck, and on his jacket, in a stream. 
 
 The dinner done, the Colonel said, " Brett, sorry I can't stay." 
 "Oh, come and hear some music." " Many thanks, but not 
 
 to-day." 
 
 He strode all savage down the hall, dashed on his forage cap, 
 And shouting, " Bring my buggy ! " waited fuming for his trap. 
 
 It came; and perched upon it sat the waiter at the feed. 
 The Colonel said, " By heav'ns, but this is impudence, indeed ! 
 Get out, you brute, or I'Jl get up and break your dirty head ! " 
 " Please, master 'scuse me, master drive me home," the fellow 
 said. 
 
 "I do my best for master here: I wait him dinner-time; 
 I making some mistake for master, surely that no crime. 
 If I offending ma.ster, I jump down and lick the ground ; 
 But master lose his bet to me, and hand me twenty pound/" 
 
ARABELLA GREEN. 
 
 OR, THE MERCENARY SPIN. 
 
 I'M going now to rhyme about 
 
 A most unhappy spin., 
 Whose crime was being too devout 
 
 A worshipper of tin. 
 
 We'll, firstly, drop a silent tear 
 
 On her untoward fate, 
 And, secondly, on her career 
 
 Regretfully dilate. 
 
 223 
 
224 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 Her name was Arabella Green; 
 
 A Colonel was her Pa; 
 She was the sole pledge that had been 
 
 Presented by her Ma. 
 
 At six she went to England ; that, 
 You know, is quite the rule; 
 
 And there her mother left her at 
 A Brighton boarding-school. 
 
 There she acquired what's often taught 
 
 To girls who hope to charm- 
 More grace of carriage than of thought ; 
 It pays, so where's the harm? 
 
 She sang (they say in tune), could dance, 
 Spent much on dress and scents, 
 
 Spoke French, well, Brighton isn't France,- 
 Forgot her panents ; 
 
 Did all a girl should do, in fact, 
 
 Her studies to complete, 
 Or, what's more practical, attract 
 
 A husband to her feet. 
 
 Sometimes her aunties called, and took 
 
 Her walking on the Steyne. 
 But home was an unopened book 
 
 To Arabella Green. 
 
 "She's quite a woman," cried her Dad, 
 
 (He'd got her photograph) : 
 "We'll have her out, we will, by Gad! 
 
 She's fifteen and a half." 
 
ARABELLA GREEN. 225 
 
 So Mrs. Green went home to bring 
 
 Sweet Arabella out, 
 And found the darling little thing 
 
 Knew what she was about; 
 
 For on the voyage, when she told 
 
 Her what should be her game, 
 The artless creature did unfold 
 
 Opinions much the same. 
 
 She had, of course, a deal to learn 
 
 In matter of details, 
 But she had such a business turn 
 
 Soon rattled through the scales. 
 
 The pair upon the poop would sit, 
 
 And on the future feed; 
 And, if your patience will permit, 
 
 I will recite their creed : 
 
 " I do believe in dress and ease, 
 
 And fashionable dash. 
 I do believe in bright rupees, 
 
 And truly worship cash. 
 
 " I do believe in marriage quite, 
 
 But don't believe in gents, 
 Unless you bind them pretty tight 
 
 By way of settlements. 
 
 " I do believe entirely in 
 
 The Civil Service ranks : 
 The best are worth a deal of tin, 
 
 And none exactly blanks. 
 
226 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 11 But I do believe that marrying 
 
 An '#///' 'man is fudge; 
 And do not fancy anything 
 
 Below a ' pucka* Judge. 
 
 " I do believe in scarlet coats, 
 
 But chiefly at a ball ; 
 For I have heard that ten-pound notes 
 
 Are scarce among them all. 
 
 " Still I believe in Brigadiers, 
 And Staff Corps Colonels, who 
 
 Draw pensions in their waning year?, 
 And tidy pensions, too. 
 
 " I do believe that if I'm smart, 
 
 And do not lose my head, 
 And cut that thing that's called the heart, 
 
 I may a fortune wed. 
 
 " But if in love I weakly plunge, 
 
 And break my golden rule, 
 I may as well throw up the sponge, 
 
 And write myself a fool." 
 
 With these ideas of life and bliss, 
 
 And many wrinkles more, 
 This interesting little Miss 
 
 Approached our genial shore. 
 
 And when her Pa embraced his kid, 
 And heard her speak her mind, 
 
 He said he thought by Gad he did! 
 Her notions most refined. 
 
ARABELLA GREEN. 227 
 
 And sitting in the garden cool 
 
 To drink his evening cup, 
 He thought how well that Brighton school 
 
 Had brought his daughter up. 
 
 Well days flew by. Lieutenants sighed, 
 And Ensigns tried her much; 
 
 Civilian griffins too ; but wide 
 The berth she gave to such. 
 
 A Chaplain, giv'n to croquet, and 
 
 Perhaps a little plain, 
 Was mad enough to ask her hand : 
 
 He never asked again ! 
 
 An honest coffee-planter came 
 
 And offered home and heart ; 
 But no she'd rather keep her name, 
 
 That was a likely start ! 
 
 A smart Assistant-Surgeon, too, 
 
 Appeared upon the field ; 
 But oh, that line would never do ! 
 
 His fate was quickly sealed. 
 
 Then next was seen approaching an 
 
 Uncovenanted-wallah. 
 " Uncovenanted ? Bless the man ! 
 
 Well, now, what next would follow ? " 
 
 Some real substantial offers came, 
 Which made her pause, but " Pish ! 
 
 She'd time to play a waiting game, 
 And land a bigger fish." 
 
228 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 She waited ; but Collectors did 
 Not come in spooney shoals, 
 
 And Sessions Judges must have slid 
 On purpose to the Poles. 
 
 No sign of Brigadiers, and not 
 A Staff Corps Colonel ; why, 
 
 It really looked as if the lot 
 Were growing scarce, or shy. 
 
 Whate'er the cause, 'twas plain to sight, 
 Without a doubt or quibble, 
 
 The bigger fishes didn't bite, 
 And didn't even nibble. 
 
 In fine, before two years were out, 
 
 It took no gumption nice 
 To see that if she'd wed, no doubt 
 
 She'd have to 'bate her price. 
 
 She did what braver folks must do 
 She bowed to circumstance ; 
 
 But husbands still kept out of view, 
 By some unkind mischance. 
 
 The notion seemed to float abroad 
 
 Wherever she had been, 
 That no one underneath a Lord 
 
 Would satisfy Miss Green. 
 
 In launching this upon the wind, 
 
 Fate played a cruel trick ; 
 For Lords are somewhat scarce in Ind, 
 
 And "Sirs" not over-thick. 
 
ARABELLA GREEN. 229 
 
 And now the humbler loves she would 
 
 Have scorned in former days, 
 The situation understood, 
 
 And went upon their ways. 
 
 Lieutenants, Chaplains, Captains gay, 
 
 No longer came in force; 
 They didn't care, perhaps, to play 
 
 A hand at "last resource." 
 
 In sorrow now, and soon in shame, 
 
 Poor Arabella watched 
 The ruin of her little game ; 
 
 Oh, how completely botched ! 
 
 And with this mental canker goes 
 
 The colour from her cheek ; 
 The mouth gets pinched, and, oh! the nose 
 
 Looks very like a beak. 
 
 The eyes grow red with secret tears, 
 
 And as the seasons pass, 
 Bad only turns to worse she fears 
 
 To gaze into her glass. 
 
 And then the crash, the final one, 
 
 That smiting bitter blow 
 The Colonel's Indian work is done, 
 
 And home the Greens must go. 
 
 The General Orders praise her Dad; 
 
 The passages are booked; 
 They sail; and other spins, are glad 
 
 To see her goose is cooked. 
 
230 
 
 LA YS OF IND. 
 
 O spins. ! be warned ere yet too late 
 
 To coin don't wholly lean, 
 Unless you wish to meet the fate 
 
 Of Arabella Green. 
 
 Don't think too light of honest bids ; 
 
 And, mothers, make a rule 
 That common sense be taught your kids, 
 
 If possible, at school. 
 
TWO FATES. 
 
 O DAINTY lady, O lady pale, 
 
 O lady with golden hair, 
 Why hurries your landau what doth ail? 
 
 Is it baby propped up there? 
 
 How sickly he looks, with his vacant eyes, 
 And his fingers twitched in pain ! 
 
 "You're going? Of course I well surmise 
 Be quick, or you'll miss the train." 
 
 Poor thing, how worried and ill she seems ! 
 
 There were tear-drops on her cheek. 
 O, cruel, cruel the fierce sunbeams, 
 
 To do such harm in a week. 
 
 Mother and child struck down by the heat! 
 
 Yes, this is a dreadful year. 
 Really every soul that you meet 
 
 Looks like a corpse, or near. 
 231 
 
232 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 Oh, for a breath of a cold, keen air ! 
 
 A sniff of the mountain breeze ! 
 To open your mouth and inhale it fair, 
 
 Coming over the seas. 
 
 Well, she is lucky she'll soon be safe, 
 
 Up in the snowy hills; 
 No reason for her to stay and chafe 
 
 Over hot-weather ills. 
 
 Her husband's a Colonel : handsome pay, 
 
 And a pension for after-life. 
 There's a hitch about his getting away, 
 
 But it's easy enough for his wife. 
 
 So, dainty lady, be quick and start, 
 
 Put baby into the train ; 
 And thank your God, from your inmost heart 
 
 That you're not a soldier's Jane. 
 
 O sickly woman, with haggard face, 
 And eyes so full of affright, 
 
 Where are you going at that mad pace, 
 And what do you clasp so tight? 
 
 "It's baby, sir; O God, he will die! 
 
 See, see how wretchedly thin. 
 The fever's taken him suddenly, 
 
 Just feel his burning skin. 
 
TWO FATES. 233 
 
 " I'm taking him over to hospital, there, 
 
 It's cooler than where I live. 
 If he only could breathe some sweet fresh air, 
 
 Oh, sir, what wouldn't I give ! 
 
 "It's bitter to see your little one 
 
 Gasping away its life; 
 It's bitter but, sir, what can be done? 
 
 I'm only a soldier's wife. 
 
 "The doctors are kind, and take such care 
 
 Of our children when they fade; 
 But they cannot quench the fire in the air, 
 
 Or freshen the stifling shade. 
 
 " I know what it is : I've seen so much 
 
 Of other children that died. 
 O God ! that mine should die like such, 
 
 For a breath of air denied ! " 
 
 She hurried on, and she hugged her child, 
 
 With a sob, and a look of woe ; 
 And I fear that unchristianly I reviled 
 
 The order of things below. 
 
 And I wondered whether the doctor or Death 
 Would ease the child of its pain ; 
 
 And felt that a prayer were no waste of breath, 
 Prayed for the soldier's Jane. 
 
 nlr 
 
FOR ENGLAND HO! 
 
 THE morning sun is shining o'er the harbour of Bombay, 
 And the gallant trooper Crocodile is getting under weigh ; 
 Her snowy sides give shelter to a thousand men or so, 
 My regiment and another; and the word's "For England Ho!" 
 
 We've worked our foreign service out, our full apportioned time ; 
 Eleven lagging years we've spent in India's sunny clime, 
 Eleven years, a goodish hole to knock out of a life, 
 A change-effecting term on soil where cholera is rife. 
 
 Yes, change indeed ! We left old England full six hundred 
 
 strong ; 
 
 And scarce three hundred faces to the ancient roll belong. 
 Three hundred comrades blotted out ! The tribute that we pay 
 To death and sickness as the price of Oriental sway! 
 
 No part we've played in battle scenes, no glory have we won, 
 We've done our duty quietly, as nowadays 'tis done ; 
 Ours certainly has been the uneventfullest of trades 
 A round of drills, diversified with funeral parades. 
 
 Ah ! full enough of those we've had : the best-known tune of 
 
 all 
 Has been, the years we've struggled through, the solemn March 
 
 in "Saul," 
 
 234 
 
FOR ENGLAND HO! 235 
 
 That hateful, awful melody civilians think so grand, 
 
 Jt tried us week by week until we almost loathed the band. 
 
 Well, now they're playing cheerfully another sort of air, 
 And the men are cheering lustily as if they all were there. 
 I'll cheer with them" Hurrah ! hurrah ! hurrah ! " Another 
 
 yet 
 " Hurrah ! " we're going home, thank God ! and India we'll 
 
 forget. 
 
 Still, as I cheer I can't expel the sorrow from my mind, 
 
 I cannot drown the memory of those we leave behind. 
 
 I wave my cap to India, fast sinking in the blue, 
 
 But the shadows of my comrades seem to wave me their adieu. 
 
 Good-bye, my friends : although the bullet did not lay you low, 
 A thought, a tear upon your graves, at least your brothers owe ; 
 Ye died for England, though ye died not 'mid the cannon's 
 
 boom, 
 Nor any "mention in despatches" glorified your tomb. 
 
 The breeze is fair, the sails are spread, the screw goes grinding 
 
 round, 
 
 The hills beyond Bombay are dwindling to a little mound. 
 One last long look! Farewell, farewtll, thou region of the sun! 
 Old England is before us, and our exile it is done ! 
 
GLOSSARY 
 
 FOR ENGLISH READERS. 
 
 Ah-bah ! a native exclamation. 
 Aie-aie ! ditto. 
 
 Allah, Mahometan name for God. 
 Ayah, a native female servant. 
 
 Bahadur, an honorary title. 
 
 Bandook, a gun. 
 
 Bandy, a cart. 
 
 Batta, an extra allowance to military offi- 
 cers. 
 
 Biles, oxen. 
 
 Bobheree, noise, confusion. 
 
 Bowrie, a well. 
 
 Brandy-pawnee, brandy and water. 
 
 Bunder, the Quay, Bombay. 
 
 Burrabur, alike, uniform, equal, stra ; ght, 
 tight. Sub-burrabur, all right, is a 
 common expression, particularly among 
 servants and Sepoys. 
 
 Burra-khana, a big feed a State dinner. 
 
 Chit, a le l ter. 
 
 Chokee, or Chowkee, a police station. 
 
 Chokra, or Chockra, a boy; equivalent to 
 
 "tarcon." 
 
 Chuckler, native shoemaker. 
 Collector, chief civil officer of a distr'ct ; a 
 
 Member of the Indian Civil Service ; 
 
 generally combining" duties "J magistrate 
 
 with revenue jurisdiction. 
 Cuscus tatty, a mat of the cuscus plant 
 
 plactd in front of a door or window, 
 
 and kept continually wet to cool the 
 
 apartment. 
 
 Dacoits, professional robbers. 
 
 Deckho, look here, see, 
 
 Dhobie, a -washerman. 
 
 Dhoolie, a variety of palanquin hung from 
 
 a pole ; used in tJie hills and in army 
 
 service. 
 
 Dirzee, a native tailor. 
 Dustoor, custom, habit. 
 
 Fakeer, a man under religious vows. 
 Forbes, a noted Hindostanee manual. 
 
 Gharry, a carriage. 
 Ghora- wallahs, grooms. 
 Gup, talk, gossip. 
 
 Horse dawk's laid, a dawk is said to be laid 
 when arrangements have been made to 
 have horses in readiness at posting sta* 
 tions. 
 
 Hubble-bubble, a pipe, the stem of which is 
 fixed in a cocoanut-shell, filled with 
 water, through which the smoke is 
 drawn, causing a bubbling noise. 
 
 Humayscha, always. 
 
 Jaldi-jao, go quickly. 
 
 Khansamah, the head ser*vant in a Binga.1 
 household', answering nearly to ilie 
 Madras butler. 
 
 Kitmutgar, the servant who waits at table, 
 and looks after his master s uniforms, 
 clothes, &.-. goes on errands answers 
 the door. 
 
 236 
 
GLOSSARY FOR ENGLISH READERS. 
 
 237 
 
 Koob-malloom-hi, it is well known. 
 Kubbur, or Khubbur, news, information, 
 Kupperdar, you soor, take care, you pig. 
 
 Logue, people. 
 
 Mahlee, a ga-dcner. 
 
 Maidan, a park or open plain. 
 
 Masulah boat, a boat used at Madras, where 
 the surf is very high and dangerous. 
 
 Maty, an indoor servant peculiar to the 
 Madras Presidency, who looks a/ter the 
 plate and table linen and furniture, &c. , 
 and 1 assists in waiting. 
 
 Mofussil, a term generally allied to out- 
 stations, in contradistinction to the head- 
 quarters of a magistrate. 
 
 Mohur, an Indian goli coin value about 
 sixteen rupees. 
 
 Moonshee, a teacher of native languages; 
 a 'so a title of respect. 
 
 Mufti, civilian dress the opposite of official 
 uniform. 
 
 Nautch, a dancing performance. 
 
 Nuckul, Hindoslanee far a tale, anecdote, 
 
 or narrative. 
 Nullah, a ditch, a ravine. 
 
 Oordoo, another expression for Hindostanee. 
 Ooty, abridgment of Ootacamund, a sana- 
 
 tarium in the Neilgherry Hills. 
 Overalls, troupers. 
 
 Paddy-fields, rice-fields. 
 
 Peons, messengers. 
 
 Pillao, a dish composed of boiled fowl, tice, 
 &c. 
 
 Pucka, brick or stone, in contradistinction 
 10 mud ', used commonly to denote any- 
 thing certain, substantial. When used 
 in connection vvith such a word as ap- 
 poin'ment (a pucka appointment), it 
 signifies that the person holding the ap- 
 pointment is finally and formally ap- 
 pointed to it, and that he is not merely 
 temporarily possessed. 
 
 Punkah, a large fan suspended from the ro"f 
 of every Indian room. 
 
 Punkah -wallah, the man or boy that pulls \ 
 thepunkah. 
 
 Raggee, a cioj> nf grain. 
 
 Raj, government. 
 
 Rama, a deii<>t>d ; the hero of the popular 
 
 epic, the Ramayana. 
 Rattan, a kind of cane. 
 
 Sahib, the term ^^sually applied to European 
 gentlemen. 
 
 Salaam, " feace," the common salutation 
 in India, and the usual verbal answer 
 or acknow'edgment of a letter sent by 
 bearer. In some ca-es also it corre- 
 sponds with our "thank you'," and, 
 when used as a salutation, with our 
 " 'good morning !" 
 
 Sammy marks, native indication of caste, 
 exhibited on the forehead in the shaf>e 
 of lines or round patches the size of a 
 fourpenny piece, drawn with, "white or 
 coloured clay. 
 
 Schandah-bote utcha, oh, glorious! very 
 good ! 
 
 Shikar, sport. 
 
 Shikaree, a sportsman. 
 
 Sicca coin, native standard coin. 
 
 Sircar, the Government. 
 
 Sircar backsheesh, ihe gratuity allowed by 
 Government to officers passing the Higher 
 Standard. 
 
 Syce, a groom. 
 
 Telugu, taboo. 
 
 Tiffin, lunch. 
 
 Tom-tom, a drum usually played ">ith the 
 
 fingers. 
 Topee, a hat. 
 Tumasha, a show, an entet tainment. 
 
 Wah ! wah ! an exclamation of surprise at 
 
 anything strange or wonderful. 
 Wallah, term associated with employment. 
 
 H. S., the Higher Standard ' ; an examina- 
 tion in one of the native languages 
 (Hindostanee generally being taken up) 
 prescribed by Government, "without pass- 
 ing which no military officer can b-- 
 eligible for a staff appointment. A 
 gratuity is given to successful candi- 
 dates. 
 
 D. T., delirium tremeni. 
 
 A.-G., Adjutant-Genet al. 
 
 D. P. W., Department of Pubic Works. 
 
 Q. M. -G. , Quat termaster-General. 
 
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 industry with which it has been compiled." 
 
 Two Vols. Demy 8vo., cloth, 2,45. Rs. 18. 
 
 THE HISTORY OF CHINA. 
 
 By DEMETRIUS C. BOULGER. 
 Illustrated with Portraits and Maps* 
 
 The Second Volume contains a full History of China and her connection 
 with European Nations, and detailed accounts of all events, including the 
 Chino-Japan War and its Diplomatic consequences. 
 
 Saturday Review. " One cannot read this admirable history without feeling how much 
 Mr. Boulger's sympathies have been enlisted by the wonderful record of Chinese achievement 
 and Chinese character which he has collected with so much charm and ability." 
 
THACKER & CO., LONDON. 
 
 Tenth Edition. Crown 8vo. , cloth gilt, 65. Rs. 4.8. 
 
 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 COMIC, SATIRICAL, AND 
 DESCRIPTIVE. 
 
 Poems Illustrative of Anglo-Indian Life, 
 By ALIPH CHEEM. 
 
 ILLUSTRATED BY THE AUTHOR, LIONEL 
 INGLIS, R. A. STERNDALE, AND OTHERS. 
 
 The World. "This is a remarkably 
 bright little book. In a few of the poems 
 the jokes, turning on local names and 
 customs, are somewhat esoteric ; but taken 
 throughout, the verses are characterised by 
 high animal spirits, great cleverness, and 
 most excellent fooling." 
 
 Demy 8vo., cloth, 6s. net. Rs. 4-8. 
 
 r\ 
 
 IV. MAPS OF CASTE DISTRIBUTION 
 V. THEORIES OF CASTE. 
 VI. MODERN THEORIES OF CASTI- 
 VII. KULIN POLYGAMY. 
 VIII. THE SANTAL AND MUND 
 TRIBES. 
 
 LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS, 
 
 FRONTISPIECE: "MensAgitat Molem" Khamti Female Chulikata Woman- 
 Male and Female of the Tain or Digaru Mishmi Tribe Tain Mishn 
 Girl Bor Abor Girl A Chulikata Mishmi Chief in Full Dress Male an 
 Female of the Lower Naga Group Lepchas (Sikkim) Limbu, Male an 
 Female A " Ho" or Kol of Singhbhum Mundas of Chutia Nagpur, Mai 
 and Female A Group of Korwas Oraons Juang Girls Typical Specimen 
 of the Juang Tribe, Male and Female Male and Female of the Bendks 
 Tribe. 
 
 MAP OF INDIA SHOWING DIVISIONS OF RACES. 
 
 Empire. "The apparently inextricable tangle of Indian races, customs an 
 religions, seems, in the author's able hands, to fall into their allotted place in th 
 scheme of things, and with masterly insight the broad principles which underli 
 them are clearly disclosed." 
 
TH ACKER, SPINK &> CO., CALCUTTA. 
 
 Invaluable to all who take an interest in Naval Matters. 
 PUBLISHED ANNUALLY. 
 
 THE NAVAL POCKET BOOK. 
 
 Edited by GEOFFREY S. LAIRD CLOWES. 
 
 Cloth i6mo., 5i X 4X 2 in., js. 6d, net. Rs. 6.9. 
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 ALL THE NAVIES OF THE WORLD AT 
 A GLANCE. 
 
 Second Edition. Revised. Crown 8vo., 
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 HINDU MYTHOLOGY: 
 
 VEDIC AND PURANIC. 
 
 By Rev. W. J. WILKINS 
 
 (late of the London Missionary Society, Calcutta). 
 
 Illustrated by 100 Engravings, chiefly from 
 Drawings by Native Artists. 
 
 Indian Daily News. " In Mr. Wilkins' book we 
 have an illustrated manual, the study of which will 
 lay a solid foundation for more advanced know- 
 ledge, while it will furnish those who may have the 
 
 desire without having the time or opportunity to go further into the subject, with a 
 
 really extensive stock of accurate information." 
 
 Second Edition. Revised. Crown 8vo., js. 6d. Rs. 5.10. 
 
 MODERN HINDUISM. 
 
 AN ACCOUNT OF THE RELIGION AND LIFE OF THE HINDUS IN 
 NORTHERN INDIA. 
 
 By Rev. W. J. WILKINS. 
 
 d Worship Morals Woman- 
 Shradha Future Life. 
 
 Saturday Review." He writes with a liberal and comprehensive spirit." 
 Crown 8vo., cloth, 125. net. Rs. 8. 
 
 HINDU CASTES AND SECTS. 
 
 An Exposition of the Origin of the Hindu Caste System and the bearing of 
 the Sects towards each other and towards other Religious Systems. 
 By Pandit JOGENDRA NATH BHATTACHARYA, M.A<, DX. 
 
 Madras Mail. "A valuable work. . . The author has the courage of 
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 CONTENTS. Life and Worship Morals Woman Caste Sects Death 
 Shradha Future Life. 
 
W. THACKER & CO., LONDON. 
 Tenth Edition. Crown 8vo., cloth gilt, 6s. Rs. 4.8. 
 
 LAYS OF IND. 
 
 COMIC, SATIRICAL, AND 
 DESCRIPTIVE. 
 
 Poems Illustrative of Anglo-Indian Life. 
 By ALIPH CHEEM. 
 
 Crown 8vo., cloth gilt, 3^. 6d. net. Rs. 2.8. 
 
 THE ETHICS OF ISLAM, 
 
 By AMEER ALI, C.I.E. 
 
 An attempt towards the exposition of Islamic Ethics in the English language. 
 Besides most of the Koranic ordinances, a number of the precepts and sayings of 
 the Prophet, the Caliph Ali, and " Our Lady " are translated and given. 
 
 Demy 8vo., cloth, 15^. net. Rs. 10. 
 
 CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE HISTORY OF 
 ISLAMIC CIVILISATION. 
 
 By S. KHUDA BUKSH, M.A., B.C.L. 
 
 Including a Translation of VON KREMER'S ' ' Culturgeschichtliche Steifzuge. " 
 
 Volume I. Royal 8vo. , cloth, 155. net. Rs. 10. 
 
 A HISTORY OF THE GREAT MOGHULS ; 
 
 Or, A History of the Badshahate of Delhi from 1398 A.D. to 
 
 1738; with an Introduction concerning the Mongols and 
 
 Moghuls of Central Asia. 
 
 By PRINGLE KENNEDY, M.A., B.L. 
 
 Second Edition. 8vo., cloth, 6s. Rs. 4. 
 
 REPRESENTATIVE INDIANS. 
 
 By G. P. PILLAI, B,A. 
 Forty Biographies, with Portraits. 
 
 Short Biographies of the best representatives of the new type of men who have 
 been brought into existence in India since the growth of British power in that land, 
 
THACKER, SPINK & CO., CALCUTTA. 
 
 Invaluable to all who take an interest in Naval Matters. 
 PUBLISHED ANNUALLY. 
 
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 Cloth i6mo., 5J X 4X |in., 75. 6d. net. Rs. 6.9. 
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 ALL THE NAVIES OF THE WORLD AT 
 A GLANCE. 
 
 Containing complete information regarding 
 all the Navies of the World. 
 
 An indispensable Companion to the Naval 
 Officer Active and Reserve. 
 
 CONTENTS. THE NAVIES OF ALL 
 NATIONS, Classified and Analytical 
 List : Battleships, Ironclads, Gunboats ; 
 Cruisers, Torpedo Boats, and Destroyers ; 
 Hospital, Harbour, Training Ships, etc., 
 etc. DRY DOCKS GUNS AND SMALL 
 ARMS SUBMARINES VARIOUS USEFUL 
 TABLES STEAM TRIALS PLANS OF 
 SHIPS : Showing Armours, Decks, etc. 
 COMPLETE INDEX OF SHIPS BY NAME. 
 
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 invaluable to all who take an interest in naval matters." 
 
 DREADNOUGHT. 
 
 SPECIMEN ILLUSTRATION. 
 
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 world is most complete and comprehensive, and the 900 pages of printed matter 
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 everywhere. . . . Surprisingly accurate." 
 
14 W*. THACKER & CO., LONDOtf. 
 
 Royal 8vo., cloth, 400 pages, 2is. net. Rs. 18.6. 
 
 THE IMPERIAL JAPANESE NAVY. 
 
 By FRED T. JANE. 
 ITS HISTORY FROM THE EARLIEST TIMES TO THE PRESENT DAY. 
 
 Plans, Photographs, and full descriptions of all Ships in the Japanese Navy, 
 Dockyards, and Arsenals. 
 
 The China-Japanese War, with official reports and hitherto unpublished 
 details, furnished in each case by officers who actually participated in the events 
 described. 
 
 The Far Eastern Problem from the Japanese Standpoint. 
 
 With over 80 Illustrations from Sketches and Drawings by Japanese Artists and 
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 best account extant of the Japanese Navy, and its possibilities as indicated by the 
 Japanese officer." 
 
 Royal 8 vo., cloth, 730 pp., 2$s. net. Rs. 21.14. 
 UNIFORM WITH "THE IMPERIAL JAPANESE NAVY." 
 
 THE IMPERIAL RUSSIAN NAVY. 
 
 By FRED T. JANE. 
 
 With over 150 Illustrations from Sketches and Drawings by the Author and from 
 
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 and Services of British Officers who have served in the Russian Navy Plans 
 of Battles A Complete List of Russian War Ships, built and building. 
 
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 not the least instructive part of it being that which deals with the personnel of the 
 Russian Navy, about which the average English reader knows, as a rule, little or 
 nothing." 
 
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 FORTIFICATION AS APPLIED TO 
 SCHEMES. 
 
 SPECIALLY PREPARED FOR PROMOTION EXAMINATIONS. 
 
 By Lt.-Col. L. J. SHAD WELL, p.s.c., and 
 Major W. EWBANK, R.E., D.A.A.G. for Instruction. 
 
 Broad Arrow "This work is designed to assist officers in preparing for 
 examinations, and, unlike many works we could name, it serves its purpose exactly." 
 
 [/ preparation. 
 
 Second Edition. Six Maps. Demy 8vo., cloth, 6s. net. Rs. 4.8. 
 Enlarged and brought up to date by Lt.-Col. L. J. SHADWELL, p.s.c. 
 
 NORTH-WEST FRONTIER WARFARE. 
 
 By Colonel J. SHERSTON. 
 
 Army and Navy Gazette. "The treatment of this subject is most practical. 
 . . . Its author is an officer of great experience, who knows exactly what are the 
 essentials of the work." 
 
 Demy 8vo., cloth, Ss. 6d. net. Rs. 6.8. 
 
 NOTES, QUESTIONS, AND ANSWERS ON 
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 THE MANUAL OF MILITARY LAW AND INDIAN 
 ARTICLES OF WAR SPECIALLY PREPARED FOR PROMOTION 
 
 EXAMINATION. 
 By Lt.-Col* L. J. SHADWELL, p.s,c., Suffolk Regiment. 
 
 Broad Arrow. " We have before referred to the advantage of this system of 
 instruction. . . . Both the questions and answers are written in a concise and 
 easily-remembered form, which will be found of great assistance to the student." 
 
 Fourth Edition. Fcap. 8vo. 
 
 BARROW'S 
 SEPOY OFFICERS MANUAL. 
 
 THOROUGHLY REVISED AND BROUGHT UP TO DATE. 
 By Lieut. M. S. HEWETT, 
 
 7th Duke of Connaught's Own Rajputs. 
 
 [ In the press. 
 
 Fcap. 8vo., cloth, 2s. 6d. net. Rs. 2. 
 
 TRANSPORT OF HORSES BY SEA. 
 
 By E. E. MARTIN, A.V.D. 
 
 Hints for the Management and Treatment of Horses on Shipboard, from actual 
 experience gained on Active Service. 
 
VT. TtfACKEk &- CO., LONDON. 
 
 Second Edition. Demy 8vo., cloth, IQS. 6d. Rs. 7.14. 
 
 BULLET AND SHOT 
 
 IN INDIAN FOREST, PLAIN, AND HILL. 
 
 WITH HINTS TO BEGINNERS IN INDIAN SHOOTING. 
 
 By C E* M. RUSSELL 
 
 (late Senior Deputy Conservator of Forests, Mysore Service). 
 
 List of Contents, 
 
 The Indian Bison Bison Shooting Hints to Beginners The Wild Buffalo, the 
 Yak, and the Tsine The Tiger Incidents in Tiger Shooting The Panther, 
 Hunting Cheetah, Clouded Leopard, Snow Leopard, and Indian Lion The 
 Chief Bears of India The Indian Elephant The Deer of India and the 
 Himalayas The Neilgherry Wild Goat The Wild Goats of Cashmere and 
 Ladakh The Wild Sheep of India The Rhinacerotidae and Suidae of India 
 Small Animals worth Shooting Game Birds and Wild Fowl of India- 
 Poachers and Nuisances Camp Equipment, Outfit, Servants, etc. Rifles, 
 Guns, Ammunition, etc. Hints on Skinning and the Preservation of Trophies, 
 etc., etc. 
 
 Saturday Review. "We have nothing but praise for his accuracy and for the 
 value of his practical advice. . . . Not a few of the chapters are very attractive 
 reading, being full of exciting anecdote and picturesque reminiscences. . . . His 
 chapters on forest campaigning, camp equipment, and sporting batteries deserve 
 careful attention." 
 
 Civil and Military Gazette (Lahore). " . . . Cannot fail to appeal to 
 sportsmen of every standing, from the veriest tyro, to whom it will prove 
 particularly useful, to the oldest hand at the game. . . . The general excellence 
 and completeness of the book should ensure it the position of a standard work. " 
 
 Second Edition. Post 8vo., 2s. 6d. net. Rs. 2.4. 
 
 SEONEE; 
 
 OR, CAMP LIFE ON THE 
 SATPURA RANGE. 
 
 A Tale of Indian Adventure. 
 
 By R. A. STERNDALE, 
 F.R.G.S., F.Z.S. 
 
 Illustrated by the Author. 
 
 With an Appendix containing a brief Topographical and Historical Account 
 of the District of Seonee, ir 
 
 in the Central Provinces of India. 
 
THACKER, SPINK & CO., CALCUTTA. 17 
 
 Third Edition. Demy 410. 36 Plates and Map. \ \s. net. Rs. 15.12. 
 
 LARGE GAME SHOOTING 
 
 IN THIBET, THE HIMALAYAS, NORTHERN AND 
 CENTRAL INDIA. 
 
 By Brig.-General ALEX* A. A. KINLOCH. 
 
 NYAN OR GREAT THIBETAN SHEEP. OviS HodgSOnii. 
 
 Times, " Colonel Kinloch, who has killed most kinds of Indian game, small 
 and great, relates incidents of his varied sporting experiences in chapters which 
 are each descriptive of a different animal. The photogravures of the heads of 
 many of the animals, from the grand gaur, popularly miscalled the bison, down- 
 wards, are extremely clever and spirited." 
 
 Graphic. " This splendidly illustrated record of sport. . . The photogravures, 
 especially the heads of the various antelopes, are life-like ; and the letterpress is 
 very pleasant reading." 
 
1 8 W. TH ACKER dr> CO., LONDON. 
 
 Fourth Edition, Enlarged. Cloth (6j X 4), ?s. 6d. net. Rs. 5. 
 
 THE INDIAN FIELD SHIKAR BOOK. 
 
 By W. S, BURKE, 
 
 Editor and Proprietor of "The Indian Field." 
 
 CONTENTS. BIG GAME RECORDS OF TROPHIES : Local Names, Habitat, 
 Description, Measurements, etc. LAND AND WATER GAME BIRDS : Local 
 Names, Habitat, Description, Measurements, Weights, Coloration, etc. FISH : 
 River, Estuarial and Tank, Tackle, Baits, Seasons, Local Names, Weights, 
 Measurements, Description, etc. CAMP EQUIPMENT : Guns, Rifles and Ammuni- 
 tion, Dak Bungalows, Shikar Wrinkles, Latest Game Laws and Regulations for all 
 the Sporting Districts of India, Game Registers in Separate Pocket (Refills 
 available), and much Miscellaneous Sporting Information. 
 
 Compiled from the highest authorities and brought completely up to date. 
 
 The Englishman. "A long- felt want has been supplied. . . . The feature 
 hat strikes one most is the completeness of the work . . . should be of the 
 very greatest use to sportsmen . . . unique and valuable in every respect." 
 
 The Pioneer. "A very useful little shikar pocket book . . . gives all the 
 information that will enable a shooter to identify a game bird or ascertain whether 
 he has been lucky enough to get a record head. . . . Contains a quantity of 
 information of a very practical nature. . . . No sportsman who invests Rs. 5 in 
 the Indian Field handbook is likely to regret it." 
 
 Second Edition. Fcap. 8vo., cloth, 6s. net. Rs. 4. 
 
 THE SPORTSMAN'S MANUAL. 
 
 In Quest of Game in Kulu, Lahoul, and Ladak to the Tso Morari 
 
 Lake, with Notes on Shooting in Spiti, Bara Bagahal, Chamba, 
 
 and Kashmir, and a Detailed Description of Sport in more than 
 
 100 Nalas. With 9 Maps. 
 
 By LU-Col. R. H. TYACKE, late H.M/s 98th and 34th Regiments, 
 
 Those who wish to shoot in the Kangra District, or right up to Ladak, could 
 not do better than to get that interesting and well-written little book by Colonel 
 Tyacke, the most practical work ever penned by a Himalayan sportsman. The 
 Excerpt from "The Guide to Dharmsala, the Kangra Valley, and Kulu." By 
 J. FITZGERALD LEE. 
 
 Second Edition. Crown 8vo. , cloth, 150 pages, y. 6d. net. Rs. 2.8. 
 
 USEFUL HINTS TO YOUNG 
 SHIKARIS 
 
 ON THE GUN AND RIFLE. 
 
 By the "LITTLE OLD BEAR/' 
 
 Containing information on every subject necessary for the young Shikar 
 from his rifle, gun, and ammunition to his camp kit and dress. 
 
THACKER, SPINK <5r> CO., CALCUTTA. 19 
 
 Imperial 161110. , cloth, 580 pages, 6s. net. Rs. 4. 8. 
 
 A NATURAL HISTORY 
 OF THE MAMMALIA 
 OF INDIA, 
 
 BURMAH AND CEYLON. 
 
 By R. A. STERNDALE, 
 F.R.G.S., F.Z,S. 
 
 With 170 Illustrations by the Author and 
 others, 
 
 The geographical limits of the present work 
 have been extended to all territories likely to 
 be reached by the sportsman from India. It 
 is copiously illustrated, not only by the author 
 himself, but by careful selections made by him 
 from the works of well-known artists. 
 
 Knowledge. " It is the very model of what a popular natural history should be." 
 
 The Times. "The book will, no doubt, be specially useful to the sportsman, 
 and indeed has been extended so as to include all territories likely to be reached 
 by the sportsman from India." 
 
 The. Daily News. " Has contrived to hit a happy mean between the stiff 
 scientific treatise and the bosh of what may be called anecdotal zoology." 
 
 Oblong folio (18 X 14), paper boards, -js. 6d. net. Rs. 5. 
 
 DENIZENS OF THE JUNGLES 
 
 A SERIES OF SKETCHES 
 OF WILD ANIMALS, 
 ILLUSTRATING THEIR 
 FORM AND NATURAL 
 ATTITUDE. 
 
 By R. A, STERNDALE, 
 F.R.G.S., F.Z.S. 
 
 Twelve Magnificent Plates, with 
 full descriptive letterpress. 
 
 C 2 
 
20 
 
 W. TH ACKER & CO., LONDON. 
 
 Fourth Edition. Super royal 8vo. , cloth gilt, 338 pages, 14^. net. Rs. 12.4. 
 
 GAME, SHORE, AND WATER BIRDS 
 OF INDIA. 
 
 WITH ADDITIONAL REFERENCES TO THEIR ALLIED 
 SPECIES IN OTHER PARTS OF THE WORLD. 
 
 By Colonel A. LE MESSURIER, C.I.E., F.Z.S., F.G.S. 
 
 (late Royal Engineers), Author of 
 " Kandahar in 1879," " From London to Bokhara and a Ride through Persia." 
 
 With 180 natural size Illustrations from actual specimens. 
 
 A Vade Mecum for the Sportsman, embracing all the Birds at all 
 likely to be met with in a Shooting Excursion* 
 
 Nature. " Colonel Le Messurier writes as a field naturalist for field naturalists 
 and sportsmen without any great pretensions to scientific knowledge, but there is 
 no doubt that all naturalists will gain useful hints from this little volume, which 
 is profusely illustrated with woodcuts giving the characteristic features of most of 
 the species." 
 
 Knowledge. " Compact in form, excellent in- method and arrangement, and as 
 far as we have been able to test it, rigidly accurate in details, Colonel Le Messurier's 
 book should become the vade mecum of every sportsman and naturalist whom duty 
 or pleasure may compel to visit India." 
 
 Madras Times. " Neatly and handily bound, well printed and clearly 
 illustrated, the book undoubtedly fills a void in the literature of the day. The 
 work is well arranged, and will probably fully answer the requirements of even a 
 veteran sportsman." 
 
TH ACKER, SP1NK & CO., CALCUTTA. 21 
 
 Super royal 8vo. , half morocco, gilt top, 2 2s. net. Rs. 36.12. 
 
 THE INDIAN DUCKS 
 AND THEIR ALLIES. 
 
 By E. C STUART BAKER, F.Z.S., M.B.O.U. 
 
 BEING A REPRINT OF ARTICLES CONTRIBUTED 
 
 TO THE JOURNAL OF THE BOMBAY NATURAL 
 
 HISTORY SOCIETY ON THIS ATTRACTIVE GROUP 
 
 OF BIRDS. 
 
 This most important work on Indian Ornithology consists of about 300 
 pages of letterpress, with 30 Chromo-lithographed Plates. Prepared under 
 the supervision of the well-known bird artist Mr. Henrik Gronvald. 
 
 Second Edition. Crown 8vo., paper cover, 2s. 6d. net. Re. 1.12. 
 
 THE BIRDS OF CALCUTTA. 
 
 A SERIES OF SHORT 
 
 HUMOROUS BUT FAITHFUL 
 
 DESCRIPTIONS OF THE 
 
 COMMON BIRDS OF 
 
 CALCUTTA. 
 
 By FRANK FINN, F.Z.S,, 
 M.B.O.U. 
 
 (late Deputy Superintendent, 
 Calcutta Museum). 
 
 With Illustrations by HERBERT GOODCBILD. 
 
 Field. "There is a good deal of bird life to be observed in and around 
 Calcutta, to which Mr. Finn's little book will serve as a useful guide, especially as 
 it has some good illustrations by Mr. Herbert Goodchild." 
 
22 
 
 IV. TPf ACKER & CO., LONDON. 
 
 Crown 8vo. , sewed, 5^. net. Rs. 3.8. 
 
 HOW TO KNOW THE INDIAN 
 WADERS. 
 
 By 
 
 FRANK FINN, B.A. (Oxoiu), 
 F.Z.S., M.B.O.U. 
 
 Perching Waders Non- Perching 
 Waders (including Snipe). 
 
 Civil and Military Gazette. 
 "The author is a naturalist in the 
 best sense of the word, a close 
 observer and a humorous writer to 
 boot. He gives an interesting account 
 
 of every species he describes." 
 \ 
 
 Crown 8vo. , boards. 
 
 THE WATERFOWL OF INDIA 
 AND ASIA. 
 
 Being a New and Enlarged Edition of "HOW TO KNOW THE 
 
 INDIAN DUCKS," but including those species of these Waterfowl which 
 
 are found in Asia. 
 
 By FRANK FINN, B.A, (Oxon.), F,Z.S., M.B.O.U. 
 
 With Numerous Illustrations. 
 [/" the press. 
 
 To be followed by 
 
 THE GAME BIRDS OF INDIA 
 AND ASIA. 
 
 By the same Author. 
 
THACKER, SPINK & CO., CALCUTTA. 
 
 Small 410. , paper boards, 55. net. Rs. 3.8. 
 
 GARDEN AND AVIARY BIRDS OF 
 
 INDIA. 
 
 A HANDBOOK FOR FIELD NATURALISTS AND 
 BIRD FANCIERS. 
 
 1 1 "ith Illustrations drawn from Life. 
 
 By FRANK FINN, B.A., F.Z.S., M.B.O.U. 
 
 Giving a complete description of ONE HUNDRED birds, with seven 
 plates of thirty-one different species. 
 
 Pioneer. "This pleasant little book will serve as an introduction to Indian 
 Ornithology, and as a very useful guide to those whose hobby is bird-keeping." 
 
 Indian Field. " No one who keeps an aviary in India can afford to be 
 without Mr. Finn's little manual." 
 
24 W. TH ACKER <Sr CO., LONDON. 
 
 Third Edition. Demy 8vo., cloth 15.?. Rs. 11.4. 
 
 THE ROD IN INDIA. 
 
 BEING HINTS HOW TO OBTAIN SPORT, WITH 
 
 REMARKS ON THE NATURAL HISTORY OF FISH 
 
 AND THEIR CULTURE. 
 
 By H. S THOMAS, F.L.S. (Madras Civil Service, Retired), 
 Author of "Tank Angling in India." 
 
 With numerous full-page and other Illustrations. 
 
 Field. "A masterly treatise on the art of angling." 
 
 Spectator. " A more complete guide to its subject than could be found 
 elsewhere." 
 
 Illustrated Sporting and Dramatic News. "His book has been for years a 
 standard work. Perhaps, without injustice to others, it may be described as the 
 standard work upon Indian angling." 
 
 Field. " To the angler going out to India, Mr. Thomas's book will be a 
 necessary part of his outfit." 
 
 Crown 8vo., cloth. Rs. 4. 
 
 ANGLING ON THE KUMAON 
 LAKES. 
 
 WITH A MAP OF THE KUMAON LAKE COUNTRY 
 AND PLAN OF EACH LAKE. 
 
 By Deputy-Surgeon-General W. WALKER, 
 
 Hayes' Sporting Ntws." Written with all the tenderness and attention to 
 detail which characterises the followers of the gentle art." 
 
THACKEK, SPINK & co., CALCUTTA. 25 
 
 Second Edition. Imperial i6mo., cloth, Ss. 6d. net. Rs. 7.7. 
 THE COMMON SENSE OF RIDING. 
 
 RIDING FOR LADIES. 
 
 WITH HINTS ON THE STABLE. 
 By Mrs, POWER O'DONOGHUE. 
 
 With 68 Illustrations by A. CHANTREY CORBOULD. 
 
 This able and beautiful Volume forms a standard on the subject, and is one 
 which no lady can dispense with. 
 
 Reviews of Second Edition. 
 
 The Lady. " Probably the best book on riding that has ever been written." 
 
 Irish Field. " Her style is clear and convincing, and what she has to say she 
 says in the simplest possible manner." 
 
 Lady's Pictorial. " No more complete treatise on equitation could easily 
 be put forward." 
 
 Ladies Field. " Advice on all points connected with the subject is so clearly 
 given . . . that not only beginners but experienced riders will find it invaluable." 
 
 --The Queen. "The voluma has been carefully written, and shows great 
 observation on the part of the writer." 
 
W. TH ACKER & CO., LONDON. 
 
 Demy 8vo., gilt tops. Twenty-four Volumes, complete, 12 izs. net. 
 THE EDITION DB LUXE OF THE 
 
 WORKS of G. J. WHYTE-MELVILLE. 
 
 Edited by the Right Horn Sir HERBERT MAXWELL, Bart, 
 
 The Volumes are printed from new type on 
 hand-made paper, specially manufactured lor this 
 Edition, and handsomely bound in buckram, 
 with gilt tops. Coloured Frontispiece on 
 Japanese vellum, and full-page Illustrations by 
 well-known Artists. 
 
 I. RIDING RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 Illustrated by HUGH THOMSON. 
 II. KATERFELTO. Illustrated by 
 G. H. JALLAND. 
 
 III. UNCLE JOHN. Illustrated by 
 
 E. CALDWELL and H. M. BROCK. 
 
 IV. MARKET HARBOROUGH. 
 
 Illustrated by HUGH THOMSON and 
 FINCH MASON. 
 V. CONTRABAND. Illustrated by 
 
 BERNARD PARTRIDGE. 
 VI. M OR N. Illustrated by C. E. 
 
 BROCK. 
 VII. TILBURY-NO-GO. Illustrated 
 
 by E. CALDWELL. 
 
 VIII. SONGS AND VERSES, and 
 BONES AND I. Illustrated by 
 H. M. BROCK. 
 
 IX. BLACK, BUT COMELY. Illustrated by H. M. BROCK. 
 X. THE BROOKES OF BRIDLEMERE. Illustrated by FRED ROE. 
 XI. THE WHITE ROSE. Illustrated by H. BIRD. 
 XII. ROY'S WIFE. Illustrated by CECIL ALDEN. 
 
 XIII. SATANELLA. Illustrated by G. H. JALLAND. 
 
 XIV. DIGBY GRAND. Illustrated by H. M. BROCK. 
 XV. SARCHEDON. Illustrated by HARRINGTON BIRD. 
 
 XVI. ROSINE, and SISTER LOUISE. Illustrated by H. M. BROCK. 
 XVII. KATE COVENTRY. Illustrated by H. M. BROCK. 
 XVIII. CERISE. Illustrated by H. M. BROCK. 
 XIX. QUEEN'S MARIES. Illustrated by G. H. JALLAND. 
 XX. HOLMBY HOUSE. Illustrated by G. H. JALLAND. 
 XXI. GENERAL BOUNCE. Illustrated by H. M. BROCK. 
 XXII. GLADIATORS. Illustrated by HARRINGTON BIRD. 
 
 XXIII. GOOD FOR NOTHING. Illustrated by H. M. BROCK. 
 
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 STATION POLO. 
 
 By Lieut. HUGH STEWART (Lucifer). 
 
 Contents* 
 
 THE POLO PONY: The Raw Pony Preliminary Training First Introduction 
 Stable Management Tricks Injuries Shoeing. STATION POLO: 
 Station Polo, How shall we Play? The Procrastinator The Polo Scurry 
 Idiosyncrasies Types Individual v. Combined Tactics Odds and Ends. 
 
t SPINK & CO., CALCUTTA. 27 
 
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28 
 
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34 
 
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 Fifth Edition. Imperial i6mo. .cloth, 700 pages, 15^. net. Rs. 10. 
 
 A MANUAL OF GARDENING 
 
 FOR BENGAL, UPPER AND SOUTHERN INDIA. 
 
 By Rev. T. A. C FIRMINGER, M.A. 
 With Portrait and Biography. 
 
 Thoroughly revised and brought up to date by J. CAMERON, F.L.S., 
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 CONTENTS: 
 
 PART I. 
 
 Gardening Operations. 
 Chap. I. Climate Soil Manures. 
 Chap. II. Laying Out a Garden- 
 Lawns Hedges Hoeing and 
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 Conservatories BetelHouses 
 Decorations Implements 
 Shades Labels Vermin 
 Weeds. 
 
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 and Root- Pruning Convey- 
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 PART III. 
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 PART IV. 
 
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 55 
 
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 A HANDBOOK TO 
 
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W. TH ACKER & CO., LONDON. 
 
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TH ACKER, SP1NK & CO., CALCUTTA. 
 
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 INDIAN TEA: 
 
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 Being a Text-Book on the Cultivation and Manufacture of Tea. 
 
 By CLAUD BALD (of Lebong Tea Company, Ltd.]. 
 
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 CONTENTS.-Cultivation Drain- 
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 Seed Preparation of Land and 
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 Manuring Renovation of Dete- 
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 Withering Rolling Fermenta- 
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 HANDBOOK OF INDIAN 
 AGRICULTURE. 
 
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THACKER, SPINK & CO., CALCUTTA. 39 
 
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 ASTRONOMY 
 
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 OLD CHIPPED STONES OF INDIA. 
 
 Founded on the Collection in the Calcutta Museum. 
 By A. C. LOGAN, I.C.S* 
 
 CONTENTS. Introductory The Coast System General Features of Coast Godavari, 
 Kistna, Nellore, Chingleput, Arcot, Pondicherrv, Cuddalore, Tanjore, Madura, Tinnevelli 
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Til ACKER, SPINK & CO., CALCUTTA. 41 
 
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 A SUMMARY OF THE GEOLOGY 
 OF INDIA. 
 
 By ERNEST W. VREDENBURG, A.R.S.N., A.R.CS., 
 Of the Geological Survey of India. 
 
 CONTENTS. Introduction The Archaean Oldest Sedimentary Systems 
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 A HANDBOOK OF 
 
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 By F. W. KELLY, late Indian Survey. 
 
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 NOTES AND REPORT ON THE KAZUSA 
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INDEX. 
 
 Agra, Handbook . . -47 
 
 Delhi, etc., Guide . . 47 
 
 Agricultural Dept., Memoirs of . 39 
 
 Journal . . 52 
 
 Aitken. Tribes on my Frontier 3 
 
 Behind the Bungalow . 2 
 
 Naturalist on the Prowl 3 
 
 AH, Amir. Ethics of Islam . 12 
 Aliph Cheem. Lays of Ind . 4 
 Allahabad, Lucknow, etc., Guide 47 
 Amateur Gardener in the Hills . 34 
 Baker. The Indian Ducks . 21 
 Bald. Ficus Elastica . . 37 
 
 Indian Tea . . -37 
 Banting Up-to-date . . .46 
 
 in India . 46 
 
 Barrow. Sepoy Officers' Manual 15 
 Beddome. Handbook to Ferns 
 
 and Suppt. . . -35 
 Bhattacharya. Hindu Castes . 1 1 
 Birch. Children in India . . 43 
 Blechynden. Calcutta Past and 
 
 Present .... 7 
 Bonarjee. Fighting Races of 
 
 India . . . .23 
 Bose. Hindoos as They Are . 12 
 Boulger. History of China . 9 
 Buchanan. Malarial Fever . 42 
 Buck. Simla : Past and Present 9 
 Burke. Everyday Menus . 30 
 
 Shikar Book . .18 
 
 Burrows. Kashmir En Famille 44 
 Busteed. Echoes from Old 
 
 Calcutta . . . .6 
 Byrde and Pearson. Sweets . 31 
 
 Bread, Pastry, Butter . 31 
 
 C , Major. Horse Notes . 27 
 
 Dog Notes . 28 
 
 Cachar and Sylhet, Guide . 47 
 
 Calcutta, Guide . . .47 
 
 Illustrated . . .47 
 
 Past and Present . 7 
 
 Racing Calendar . 27 
 
 Turf Club Rules . 27 
 
 Came. Simple Menus . . 30 
 Chapman. Urdu Reader . 50 
 
 Collett. Flora Simlensis . . 36 
 Commercial Hindustani . . 50 
 Cutcrewe. Memsahib's Cookery 30 
 
 Cakes . . .30 
 
 Darjeeling, Guide . . -47 
 De Bourbel. Routes in Kashmir 48 
 Delhi, Handbook . . .47 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Dewar. Animals of no Importance 4 
 Dey. Indigenous Drugs of India 44 
 Dogs in India, " Kader " . 28 
 
 Duke. Banting in India . . 46 
 
 Cholera . . .46 
 
 Kashmir Guide . . 47 
 
 Queries at a Mess Table 46 
 
 Empress, The . . .52 
 
 Ewens. Insanity . . -45 
 Finn. Birds of Calcutta . .21 
 
 Garden and Aviary Birds 23 
 
 Indian Waders . . 22 
 
 Waterfowl of India, etc. 22 
 
 Firminger. Manual of Gardening 34 
 Gait. History of Assam . n 
 
 Ghosh. Hand-Loom Weaving . 38 
 Gordon-Forbes. Simla to Shipki 44 
 Gore. Tour to the Pindari Glacier 48 
 Grierson. Kaithi Character . 50 
 Hartly House, Calcutta . . 7 
 Hayes and Shaw. Dogs . 28 
 Hearn. Seven Cities of Delhi 8, 47 
 Heaton. Medical Hints . . 44 
 Hints to Young Shikaris . .18 
 Hyde. 
 
 India in 1983 
 
 Indian and Eastern Engineer . 
 
 Cookery Book 
 
 Horse Notes 
 
 Medical Gazette . 
 
 Notes about Dogs 
 
 Tea .... 
 
 Tea Association Memoirs 
 
 Indo- Anglian Literature . 
 James. Cows and Poultry 
 Jane. Imperial Russian Navy . 
 
 Imperial Japanese Navy 
 
 Jones. Permanent-Way Pocket 
 
 Book .... 
 " Kader." Dogs in India 
 Kashmir En Famille 
 
 and Jammo, Guide to . 
 
 Routes in . 
 
 Map .... 
 
 Keene. Handbook to Agra 
 
 Handbook to Delhi 
 
 Handbook to Allahabad 
 
 Kelly. Surveying . 
 Kennedy. Great Moghuls 
 Khuda Buksh. Islamic Civilisa- 
 tion .... 
 
 Kinloch. Large Game Shooting 
 
 Russian Grammar 
 
 5 
 
 52 
 29 
 27 
 
 II 
 
 II 
 
 32 
 14 
 
 14 
 
 41 
 28 
 48 
 
 47 
 48 
 48 
 47 
 47 
 47 
 
 12 
 17 
 50 
 
INDEX. 
 
 55 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Lays of Ind .... 4 
 
 Le Messurier. Birds of India . 20 
 
 Logan. Old Chipped Stones . 40 
 
 Lukis. Elementary Midwifery . 45 
 
 Lyon. Medical Jurisprudence . 43 
 
 Macfarlane. Hartly House . 9 
 
 Mackay. 21 Days in India . 2 
 
 Management of Dogs in India . 1 1 
 
 Martin. Life of Claud . . 23 
 
 Transport of Horses . 1 5 
 
 Masuri, Guide to . .48 
 
 Maunder. Astronomy . . 40 
 Maynard. Ophthalmic Opera- 
 tions . . . -44 
 
 Memsahib's Book of Cakes . 30 
 
 Cookery Book . 30 
 
 Mookerjee, Onoocool Chunder . 5 
 
 Moore. Examination of Horses 27 
 
 Mukerji. Agriculture . . 38 
 
 Sericulture . . 38 
 
 Murray-Aynsley. Hills beyond 
 
 Simla . . . .44 
 Naval Pocket Book, The . 13 
 Newman. Aseptic Surgery . 42 
 Norman. Kazusa System . 41 
 Nunn. Stable Management . 27 
 O'Donoghue. Riding for Ladies 25 
 Onoocool Chunder Mookerjee . 5 
 Pandit Commercial Hindustani . 50 
 Pearson and Byrde. Sweets . 31 
 Bread, Pastry, 
 
 and Butter . . .31 
 Peter. Routes to Cachar and 
 
 Sylhet . . . 47 
 
 Pillai. Representative Indians 29 
 Pindari Glacier, Tour to . .48 
 Polo, Station . . . .27 
 
 Ponder. Indian Materia Medica 44 
 
 Poynter. " What " and "How" 29 
 
 Ranking. Preservation of Health 45 
 
 Glossary, Bagh-o-Bahar 49 
 
 Urdu Prose . . 49 
 
 Guide to Hindustani 49 
 
 Specimen Papers . 49 
 
 Colloquial Hindustani 49 
 
 English Hindustani 
 
 Dictionary . 49 
 
 Risley. People of India . 10 
 
 Roberts. Enteric Fever . 42 
 
 Roxburgh. Flora Indica . 36 
 
 Russell. Bullet and Shot 16 
 
 Sandberg. Exploration of Tibet 9 
 Sepoy Officers' Manual . .15 
 
 Shad well. Fortification . 15 
 
 Notes on Military Law 1 5 
 
 " Shalot." Things for the Cook 31 
 
 Shaw and Hayes. Dogs . . 28 
 Sherston. N. W Frontier 
 
 Warfare . . . 15 
 
 Simla, Guide to . . 48 
 
 Map of . 48 
 
 Illustrated . . 48 
 
 to Shipki . . 48 
 
 Hills beyond . . 48 
 
 Small. Urdu Grammar . . 50 
 
 Anglo - Urdu Medical 
 
 Handbook . . .50 
 
 Sportsman's Manual . .18 
 
 Staley. Handbook for Wives . 43 
 
 Sterndale. Mammalia of India 19 
 
 Sconce . . .16 
 
 Denizens of the Jungles 19 
 
 Stewait. Station Polo . . 26 
 
 Taylor. Guide to Darjeeling . 47 
 
 Guide to India . . 47 
 
 Temple-Wright. Baker and Cook 29 
 
 Flowers and Gardens 35 
 
 Thacker. Calcutta Directory . 51 
 
 Survey Map of India 51 
 
 Guide to Simla . 48 
 
 Indian Directory . 51 
 
 Directory of Chief 
 
 Industries in India . 5 1 
 
 Map of Jummoo and 
 
 Kashmir 
 Rod in India . 
 
 48 
 24 
 
 Thomas. 
 
 Tropical Veterinary Journal 
 
 Tucker. Plague Epidemic . 46 
 
 Tweed. Canary-keeping . . 33 
 
 Cow-keeping . . 32 
 
 Poultry-keeping . . 32 
 
 Ducks, Geese, etc. . 33 
 
 Tweedie. Hindustani, and Key 49 
 
 Tyacke. Sportsman's Manual . 18 
 
 Useful Hints to Young Shikaris 18 
 
 Vaughan. Pushto Grammar . 5 
 
 Veterinary Journal, Tropical . 52 
 Vredenburg. Geology . .41 
 Walker. Angling . . .24 
 Wheeler. Tales from Indian 
 
 History .... 5 
 
 Whyte-Melville. Works of . 26 
 
 Wilkins. Hindu Mythology . 1 1 
 
 Modern Hinduism . ii 
 
 Windsor. Toxicology . . 44 
 
 Woodrow. The Mango . . 38 
 
 Young. Carlsbad Treatment . 45 
 
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