Ai 
 
 0»CALLAGHAN 
 The Married Bachelor 
 
 5112 
 
 03IV\3
 
 THE MINOR DRAMA. 
 
 THE ACTING EDITIQJ. 
 No. CXL. 
 
 THE 
 
 .MARRIED BACHELOR 
 
 §, Jartt, in ©nt ^tt. 
 
 BY P. P. O'CALLAGHAN. 
 
 TO WHICH ARE ADDEr>— 
 
 A DMcrip'.Ion of the CoBtnme — Cnst of the Charactera — Kntr»nces «ncl Esltg— 
 
 Reiatire Fositioos of the Performers on the Stage, and the 
 
 whole of the Stage Business, 
 
 AS PERFORMED AT THE PpiNCIPAi 
 
 LONDON AND AMERICAN 1;HEATR£S. 
 
 NEW YORK: 
 
 SAMUEL FRENCH, 
 
 122 Nassau c^xreet, .(IJp Stairs.)
 
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 R. Crttikshank, Del. G. W. Bonner, Sc. 
 
 THE MARRIED BACHELOR. 
 
 Sir Charles. Not deserve them ! IMay I never liavo 
 a kiss in my life again, if you — 
 
 Act I. Scene 1.
 
 UnilAUY 
 
 Ur^IVEI^SITY OF CAKfFOnMA 
 
 SANTA BARBAUA 
 
 THE MARRIED BACHELOR. 
 
 SCENE I. — A Park — Gates in centre. R. A Bower 
 
 L. A practicable li'tle gate in Park wall ; nearer 
 
 to the audience, a Pavilion. 
 
 Enter Shabpe, Jrom centre gate, as if speaking to tome 
 one without. 
 
 Sharpe. Certainly, Madam, you may rely upon me; I 
 hope your ladyship will enjoy the ride. (^IVhip smacks 
 without.) Smack — crack — away they go ; and away I go 
 to my dear Grace! [running towards gate in Park wall. 
 
 Enter Sm CHARLES. L. 
 
 Sir C. Sharpe ! Sharpe ! — Was that my dear Lady 
 Courtall that drove olFthen ? 
 
 S/iarpe. (startled.) Yes, Sir. (aside.) Who the devil 
 sent for you ? — As her Ladyship's Aunt lives only five 
 miles from this, she will soon be there. 
 
 Sir C. How long will she be away V I thought I heard 
 her say something about three days. 
 
 Sharpe. My Lady did say she would be absent about 
 three days. 
 
 Sir C. Lady Courtall, is a charming woman ! Do you 
 know, Sharpe, that marriage has not in the least cooled 
 the ardour of my love for her ? 
 
 Sharpe. Is it possible ? Areyoustill in love with her, sir? 
 
 Sir C. (coldly.) I doat on her : and during the six 
 months that we have been in the country 
 
 Sharpe. Six months! six weeks, sir. 
 
 Sir C. What, only six weeks? — Well, well, six weeicg, 
 or six months it does not much matter which — during 
 those mo — weeks, that we have passed in the country 
 together, I have hourly discovered new graces in her. 
 Her affection for me seems to increase with my perceptioa
 
 10 THE MARRJED BACHELOR. fAct 1 
 
 of her mental, as well as personal charms. With wha 
 reluctance she left me even for three days. I could hav 
 found fortitude s jfficient to spare her for a week ; she has 
 however, but the weakness of her sex. 1 never think of mj 
 marriage but witli deliglit, 
 
 Sfiur/ie., Oh, Sir! I rather think, your marriag;e hai 
 delighted many a mai"ried man. 
 
 Sir C. (smiling.) As for that, Sharpe But I am quite 
 
 an altered man. I grant that I did, now and tiien — with 
 this fijjure and — but that's all past. I swear now, that 
 my morals are— (crosses to L. — ) What shall I do to pass 
 away the time during the absence of Lady Courlall?- 
 It will hang heavily on my hands while severed froni my 
 dear wife. 
 
 Sharpe. Suppose you were to follow her — (aside.) I wish 
 I could ^'et rid of hint. 
 
 ^ Sir C. Why so I would, but it would appear so 
 uxorious. 
 
 Sharpe. You are dressed, Sir— a stroll through the 
 villag-e would amuse you — or a ride. 
 
 Sir C. Do you think so? I'll for a few mihutes— per- 
 haps an hour — perhaps — if any thing detain me beyond 
 tliat t,ime — if in the evening — nobody need sit up for nie 
 te-night. 
 
 Sharpe. Shall I— 
 
 Sir C. No, no — you may remain. Yon have been a 
 faitlifdl servant, and 1 will allow you to be lord and 
 master here, during your mistress' absence and mine. The 
 only service I require of you, is to see that the decorations, 
 which my dear wife lately spoke of, be attended to and 
 completed, in every respect, previous to her return. Get 
 her also a lady's maid, as you know she is without one at 
 present : in short, let every thing be done to convince iny 
 charming Lady Courtall, that her image alone, fills the 
 ^eart of her affectionate husband, (crosses.) While I take 
 my ramble, the house is yours — 
 
 Shnrpe. Cellar and larder too. Sir? 
 
 Sir C. Yes, cellar and all. 1 will now stroll among the 
 •urrounding shady scenes, to indulge irt philosophical 
 reflection; to chew the sweet and bitter cud, as Shalcs- 
 pearesays. IF.xit through the gates. 
 
 Sharpe, Philosophical teflectioQ I I think I can give a
 
 Scene 1.] the married bachelor, 11' 
 
 ♦olerahly shrewd g-uess at the nature of your philosophy, 
 good master of mine. If I am righc in my conjecture, so 
 much the better for me ; 'twill bring' grist to my mill. 
 My situation with the Baronet, is not what it was when 
 he was a single man. He has no steward, and has promis- 
 ed me that birth — tlien I may pick up a trifle or two. 
 Master of this house, cellar and all ! Egad, I'll have a 
 rare day of it with my dear Grace — 1 wonder where she 
 can be all this while. I hope Sir Charles won't see her iu 
 the course of liis pA;7a?f)/;/»<:-u/ rambles. What would he- 
 come of poor Sliarpe if he did ? To be married, not only 
 without his consent, but against his express commands! 
 Luck, however, does befriend me this time; Sir Charles 
 and my lady away, I may treat my pretty little wife in 
 style. I wonder how many liusbands there are who would 
 believe that all my anxiety is only to meet my wife, (two 
 knocks at t/ie small gate.) Here she is, [^opens the gate. 
 
 Enter Grace, through gate. L. 
 
 Grace. A pretty thing, Sir, to keep me waiting this 
 hour, as if I were only your sweetheart. 
 
 Shnrpe. Well, nevermind, love; don't be angry ; I 
 won'i do so any more. \_off'ers to kiss her. 
 
 '^Grnce. No, I won't, I'm vexed. 
 
 Sharpe. Come, come, kiss and be friends again, {they 
 hits.) Tliere now, you little rogue, you — isn't that better 
 than quarrelling- V 
 
 Grace. Why, I can't say but what it is. — See there's 
 the certificate of our marriage — be careful of it, for if you 
 lose it — [Sharpe puts it in his pocket. 
 
 Sharpe. I know— we should have to begin every thing 
 afresh. 
 
 Grace. I begin to think it very hard that I am bound 
 to keep our marriage so close a secret. Now do only let 
 me tell it to my two cousins, and to three or four intimate 
 friends, and to 
 
 Sharpe. A pretty way that, of keeping a secret ! you 
 may as well give it at once to the Bellman. 
 
 Grace. Only let me tell it to 
 
 Sharpe. My dear Grace, you know my lo\e for you is 
 aruent and sincere.
 
 12 THE MARRIED BACHELOR. f Act 1, 
 
 Grave. Yes, but one can't bear to be called Miss, wbea 
 one isn't a Miss: it makes me blush so. 
 
 Sharpe. But, my love, I've told you before, bow angry 
 Sir Charles would be if he knew I was married ; for he 
 settled a pension on me provided 1 lived single, and con- 
 tinued in liis service, over and above my wages. 
 
 Grace. Lord, how Sir Charles must hate us then ! 
 
 Sharpe. Quite the contrary ; he adores a petticoat, but 
 hates matrimony. 
 
 Grace. That's very strange, when he's a married man 
 himself. 
 
 Sharpe. {axide.) That's the very reason, perhaps. — Very 
 true, but there — there was a beautiful woman, and five 
 tliousand a year as a bribe, and many a man has sold him- 
 self for much less. He says, that a servant, however 
 active he may have been before marriage, is good for 
 nothing after ; so lazy, so— — 
 
 Grace. He's very right, for since we have been married, 
 you do nothing, but 
 
 Sharpe. I'll do better by and bye ;— one word now, 
 would ruin us for ever. He has promised to make me his 
 steward, and the perquisites then, you know, will set me 
 above fear. 
 
 Grace. How long will that be about ? 
 
 Sharpe. Oh ! only a year and half — or two years — or^ 
 
 Grace. What ! must 1 keep the secret during two years? 
 
 Sharpe. It would be difficult for a woman to do tiiat, I 
 confess. 
 
 Grace. But in that time do you think we shall get rich 
 enougii to live ever after like a lady and gentleman, and 
 ride in a carringe ? 
 
 Sharpe. Tiiat we shall. Egad, you shall ride in one 
 this very day ! 
 
 Grace. Shall I ? Oh, Gemini! 
 
 Sharpe. Bless your merry heart, you shall have a ride 
 in a curricle and pair ! 
 
 Grace. My dear William ! [embraces him. 
 
 Sharpe. Oh, you coaxing baggage! Grace, — how often 
 I say Grace, — you must make yourself prodigiously 
 smart, for I shall drive you round die park and village 
 myself — pompously. 
 
 Grace. Lord! how I should like to stand by the road-
 
 Scene I.] the married bachelor. IS 
 
 side and see myself go by in a curricle and pair. Oh, 
 the powers] 
 
 Sharpe. There, take the key of the little gate, that 
 you may let yourselfin, if I should be elsevrhere when 
 you return. Make all the haste you can. 
 
 Grace. I warrant me. I will be back in five minutes : 
 and when I've put on the r>etty new gown you gave me, 
 and my bonnet and all, the iblks will say, that we are the 
 handsomest couple in all Warwickshire. 
 
 \^Exit by small gate. 
 
 Sharpe. Now to make them look about dinner, et cetera. 
 Holloa! Thomas, John, Truss ! — Where the devil are these 
 lazy rascals ? What, no one coming ? Let them make my 
 master wait if they choose ; damme, I'll teach them the 
 difference. 
 
 John and all the rest of the Servants come running o»r, 
 Jrom R. 
 
 Sharpe. Oh ! there you are, are you ? Now attend to 
 the orders I am going to give you. 
 
 Truss. Why, we thought that our master being out, 
 we might — 
 
 Shurpe. {interrupting him.) Yes, you might, I dare say 
 —but if Sir Charles is gone out for a day or so, he has left 
 me factotum — invested me with ample powers, as the 
 great men say. — Look therefore, that you obey my minut- 
 est order, without the slightest murmur. — No kitchen- 
 conspiracy — no stable-grumbling — I know ye. In the 
 first place, in about an hoHr, let me have dinner served. 
 
 Jnhn. We'll attend to you, as we would to our master. 
 
 Sharpe. Will you ? — much obliged to you. — D'ye think 
 I want to be the last served in the house ? — Oh, you are 
 the new French Cook, an't you? 
 
 Labroche. Yes, Sare ; I come here yesterday before to- 
 day. 
 
 Sharpe. Well, then, to-day before to-moirow, I shall 
 require a sample of your skill. Let me have a most ex- 
 quisite and delicate assortment of dainties — dinner for 
 two, enough for six — a lady and gentleman, with remark- 
 ably good appetites. Truss, do you get the curricle ready. 
 
 Truss. The curricle ! I wanted to clean it up well — it 
 wants it plaguily. B
 
 ft THE MARRIED BACHEf.OR. [Act 1. 
 
 ^■^^rtrpe. I tell you, I shall want to ride id. the curricle. 
 Thomas. In the curricle ? 
 
 S/tarpe. Aye in tlie curricle, you booby — I can go 
 behind any day. 
 riwmas. Well— 
 John. But — 
 Truss. Mister Sharpe. 
 
 Sharpe. Don't Sharpe and But me. Let me have dinner 
 ready at two o'clock [to the Cook.) — And you (to Truss.) 
 the curricle and outriders ; Sir Charles has left me his 
 orders, and if you — 
 
 [^Sir Charles is'hea'd without calling, "Sharpe." 
 Servants. Here is Sir Charles, I'm off. 
 
 [Exeunt Cook, SfC, R. 
 Sharpe. Sir Charles! Oh, its impossible! he can't 
 have — 
 
 Sir C. {without.) Sharpe — Sharpe ! 
 Sharpe. Confound it, it is he though. What can have 
 sent iiim back so soon ? How unlucky! Grace will be 
 here directly, and if that Bashaw of a master of mine once 
 sets eye on her, she's lost — ;ind I'm lost! What shall I 
 do? — Here's one c f the comforts o( a married life! I'll 
 run oflf before he catches me and tell — 
 
 [as he hurries towards the small gate. 
 
 Enter Sir Ckarues, from centre gate. 
 
 Sir C. Sharpe I 
 
 Sharpe. (with a ffected surprise.) Sir. — Bless me, Sir, re- 
 turned so quickly! — no locident I hope? (Sharpe 
 anxiously loatches the gate.) I wish there had been, ^asiile. 
 
 Sir C. Yes, and a most unlucky one too. You would 
 little suppose what has ruffled me. 
 
 Sharpe. (trying to look cheerful.) Excuse me, sir— how 
 far otf the mark sliould 1 be, if I said — a petticoat ? 
 
 Sir C, Why, faith, not a mile. Two or three days 
 ago, I saw one of the must bewitching liitle creatures in 
 the world. Just now, 1 caught a glimpse of her again, 
 but lost !ier in a moment, and was not able to find which 
 way %\\(: turned among the cursed trees. 
 
 Sharpe. (aside.) An intrigue afoot ! — so much the bet- 
 ter for me —
 
 Scene 1.] the married bachelor. 15 
 
 Sir C. I popped into every cottage round, yet all in 
 ■vain ; I saw pknty of pretty girls, but not one to com- 
 pare to my little lost sheep. 
 
 Shaipe. (^aside.) Egad, if you lay hold of her, she is a 
 lost sheep. 
 
 Sir C. Such features — suchbioora — such a shape — sucb 
 a tout ensemble! 
 
 Sharpe. A what, Sir? 
 
 Sir C. A tout ensemble, 
 
 Sharpe. Is that her nose ? 
 
 Sir C. Pooh I (crosses to L.) 
 
 Sharpe. (aside.) I have it^it must have been the old 
 exciseman's young wife. — Sir, I know the enchantress, 
 and promise, that, before the day is out, you shall see 
 her here. Indeed, I had purposed surprising you with 
 the sight of such charms, but accident, it seems, has 
 anticipated me. 
 
 S/rC. My faithful Sharpe! You know I am neither 
 ungrateful nor ungenerous. Let me but see her again, 
 and twenty guineas shall be your reward. 
 
 \Gr ACE opens the gate, (l. — ) and comes in without seeing 
 Sir CharleSf or being seen by Sharpe. 
 
 Sharpe. I think I hear them clinking in my pocket 
 already. Poor Guage! Poor Devil ! 
 
 Sir C. (perceivino Grace, who is confounded at the sight 
 of Sir Charles.) What do I see ? There, (gives Sharpe a 
 purse.) there, thou best of servants, thou hast well de- 
 served it. 
 
 Sharpe. Pay me beforehand, Sir! No, wait till the 
 poor husband — (turns round and sees Grace.) Fire— Fag- 
 gots — Devils and Horns ! 
 
 Grace. I beg pardon, Sir — I — 1 — excuse me, Sir, but. 
 Mister Sharpe — (gets between Sharpe and Sir Charles, and 
 
 (gives Sharpe the key. 
 
 Sir C. No apologies, my pretty maid ; Mr. Sharpe 
 told you to come, but it was I who wished to speak to 
 you. (aiirfe.) What an ingenuous looking creature it is! 
 
 Sharpe. (ivhispers to Grace.) It is Sir Charles — our 
 secret — Mum. (aside.) Oh, lord ! 
 
 Sir C. Wliat's your name, my dear? 
 
 Grace. Grace, at your service, Sir. 
 
 Sharpe. (aside.) Grace, at his service. 
 82
 
 16 THE MARRIED BACHELOR. [Act 1. 
 
 Grace. Daughter of old Gertrude, who lives at the 
 
 farther end of the village. 
 
 Sir C. 1 am afraid poor old Gertrude is not so well off 
 as she was formerly. She shall come to Courtly Hal! — 
 We'll take care of you both. Sharpe will be delighted 
 to take care of the old lady; he's such a good-natured 
 soul — As for you, you shall be — let me see — the nursery 
 maid. 
 
 Sharpe. {ivho has been in much ap-itation ever since Grace 
 came in, gets between her and Sir Cliarles, and, v:hile talk- 
 ing endeavours to make the former go away.) In a nursery 
 without children ! — Come, that's a sinecure, however. 
 
 Sir C. (^pushes Sharpe airay.) Well, you shall take all 
 the linen of the house under your charge; that will just 
 suit you. 
 
 Grace. ("Observing that Sharpe is making signs, behind 
 Sir Charles, to her not to accept any situation. J If you 
 please, sir, 1 couldn't do it. 
 
 Sir C. Well then, you shall — 
 
 Grace. Nor that neither, Sir. 
 
 Sir C. You can wash, spin, sew, knit garters, — 
 zounds I you can turn your hand to something, can't you? 
 
 Grace. No, Sir, I can't do any tiling. 
 
 Sir C. Tiie devil, you can't ! — Why how do you pass 
 your time at home ? 
 
 Grace. 1 make cream cheese — 
 
 Sir C. The very thing — 1 sent for you expressly for 
 that. — You shall be my dairymaid. I am a perfect 
 gourmand when cream cheese is set before me — and so 
 is Sharpe ; an't you, my boy ? [slapping him on the back. 
 
 Sharpe. No, Sir, it always curdles on my stomach- 
 curse ciieesc ! 
 
 Grace. But, Sir — 
 
 Sir C. Never mind him, my dear, but go and instal 
 thyself queen of the curd, thoubewitchingchfes.-pr-.sser! 
 
 Grace. I must go home, if you please. Sir, for — it's 
 our dinner hour. 
 
 Sir C. How unlucky we dine so late, you should else 
 dine with me. 
 
 Sharpe. Sir — Sir — consider ; a peasant girl to sir at 
 the sunifc table with Sir Charles Courtall, Barouet, M. P. 
 Mbgistiate, and married man —
 
 Scene \.] the mauried bachelor. 17 
 
 SirC. So much the better. — If I am married, no one 
 ■will suspect the purity of niy intentions. As to my 
 rank — virtue enobles its lowliest possessor ; and high 
 station never appears more glorious than in the company 
 of modesty and beauty. The rarity too of their being 
 seen together makes the sight more lovely, {to Grace.) 
 We'll dine together — but how unlucky — we have no 
 dinner ready. 
 
 Enter Labroche, (R. — ) running to Sharpe. 
 
 Lab. Monsieur Sharpe — Monsieur Sharpe — Faut-il 
 servir ? Le diner is ready ; all so nice. 
 
 Sharpe. (aside. J I wish the devil had you, you French 
 hollyhock, for your news. 
 
 SirC. What, a dinner at this hour ? 
 
 Lab. Yes, Sare — Monsieur Sharpe tell it to me to ap- 
 preternice diner, and so I make him cook all myself, and 
 1 do not leave it to nobody at all. 
 
 Sir C. Sharpe, you are the Sultan of careful servants. 
 — {aside.) I never saw his equal, {to Labroche.) Tell them 
 to lay the table here in the garden. {Exit Labroche, F.) 
 Under the shade of these trees the repast will be delicious. 
 What says Grace ? 
 
 Sharpe. {aside.) Oh, she'll say Grace fast enough, I 
 ■warrant me! 
 
 Grace. I will go and ask my mother, Sir. 
 
 Sir C. I will take you home, and bring you back my- 
 self. Here, John, {enter John, k. — ) let the curricle be 
 got ready immediately. 
 
 John, it's all ready. Sir. 
 
 SirC. How; 
 
 John. Mr. Sharpe ordered it out. Sir. 
 
 Sir C. Oh, I'm quite overpowered by these repeated 
 proofs of his zeal and foresight-— 1 can never sufficiently 
 repay such services. Here, Sharpe, {giving him money.) 
 half rny fortune is not too much for such a servant. 
 
 Sharpe. {aside.) What a pretty figure I cut '. How like 
 a nincompoop I look ! — Sir, I'm afraid her mother will 
 be very uneasy — she'll think some accident has happened 
 — I'm sure she'll have the fidgets about her. 
 
 Sir C. Right, right again ; so do you run and tran- 
 quilize the old lady.
 
 18 THE JIARUIEI) nACHELOR. [Act 1 
 
 Sharpe. "WTiat ? I, Sir ?— Hadn't you Letter send John ? 
 
 Sir C. No, no — you can bust manage niatttrs. — You 
 can tell a plausible tale — a lie, better than any man 1 
 ■know. 
 
 Sharpe. Oh, you flatter me. Sir ! — I assure you, John 
 can lie better thau I do— can't you John ? 
 
 [John shakes his head, and exit R. 
 
 Sir C. No more replies — go at once. 
 
 Sharpe. I go, Sir. — [aside.) But you littln think what 
 I mean to do J I'll spoil your sport, secure as you maj 
 imagine it. [IJxit r. 
 
 NiV C. 1 feel such satisfaction in the company of beauty 
 aiul innocence, that 1 am determined to have a fete once 
 a-yiar, to which every prttty girl in the village sliall be 
 invited; though I can never expect to find any to com- 
 pare with thee, love. 
 
 Grace. Oh, Sir! I am sure I don't deserve half the 
 compliments you pay me. 
 
 Sir C. Not deserve them! May I never have a kiss in 
 my life again, if you — (Ae attempts to kiss Grace — Sharpe 
 re-enters, (ii.^ — ) with a tmcel under his arm, and some plates 
 in his hand, which he lets fall and breaks.) Clumsy block- 
 head, see how you have frightened her ! 
 
 Sharpe. I was only running to say. Sir, that the kiss— 
 the dinner is coming. 
 
 [Dinner is served near the pavilion — Servants all leave R. 
 except John, who remains. 
 
 Sir C. Sharpe ! — Why you must have flown — you can 
 never have been — 
 
 Sharpe. {trying to Jind an excuse.) I — I was thinking, 
 Sir, that — that you might be better pleased if /waited on 
 you. In such a case as the present, a prudent servant, 
 you know, Sir — 
 
 Sir C. True, true, and you are always prudent. 
 [leads Grace to the table ; he sits n. H. she h. 
 
 Sharpe. (aside.) 1 mean to be so ; and one great proof 
 shall be, not to leave you a moment alone, if 1 can help it. 
 
 Grace, (aside.) If some of my acquaintance were to 
 see me now, how they would fret J 
 
 Sir C. Come, Grace, my love, you don't eat. 
 
 Grace. The joy, Sir — the honour, Sir — takes away mj 
 appetite, (eats hastily.)
 
 Sceriel.j THE MARRIED BACHELOU, 19 
 
 Sharpe. (aside.) Neither one nor the other has taken 
 away mine, for I am as hungry as the devil. Here I stand 
 with my napkin in my hand, instead of having it tuciced 
 tinder my chin. How she eats! — and how he ogles and 
 helps her ! 
 
 Sir C. Sharpe, some wine. 
 
 Sharpe. Yes, Sir. [Jills two glasses. 
 
 Grace. Mister Sharpe, your good health ; notforget- 
 ing yours, Sir. [to Sir Charles.) 
 
 Sir C. [to Sharpe.) Isn't shea charming creature ? 
 
 Sharpe. Hum — so — so — at first siglit, perhaps, but— 
 
 Sir C. What a bewitching smile ! 
 
 Sharpe. Smile, Sir ? — A great deal more like a grin. 
 
 Sir C. Then her eyes ! 
 
 Sharpe. Dull, Sir, dull, and green as gooseberries. 
 
 Sir C. Dull to you, you clod ; but sparkling to souls 
 of fire. 
 
 John, [aside to Sharpe.) His honour's right— they are 
 pretty twinklers. 
 
 Sharpe. Oh, this is too much ! — What business ha?e 
 you to put in your spoke ? — Go to the devil, you — 
 
 {kicks John off, R. 
 
 Sir C. More wine. 
 
 Sharpe. Yes, Sir. [aside.) I wish it would choke him ! 
 [/» his confusion, he looks at Grace and Jills a saltcellar 
 with the tvine. 
 
 Sir C. What are you about? -Fill the glass, and not 
 the saltcellar. [Sharpe fits livo glasses, and, without seeming 
 to know what he is about, takes up one and drinks it off") 
 Tiie fellow's mad ! — Leave the table, impudent varlet — 
 Did you ever see so blundering an animal ? Come, I will 
 be your cup-bearer. {^^ey drink. 
 
 Grace, [aside.) I'll punish William, if it's only in re- 
 membrance of the gooseberries. 
 
 Sharpe. [aside.) 1 shall go mad if this lasts a quarter of 
 an hour longer ! 
 
 Sir C. How many lovers have you, my pretty Grace ? 
 
 Grace. Only one. 
 
 Sir C. Only one? — Impossible! 
 
 Grace. Only one, I assure you. Sir. 
 
 Sir C. Lucky dog! — But he's a handsome, well-made 
 fellow —
 
 10 THE MARRIED BACHELOR. [Act 1. 
 
 Grace, At first sight, perhaps, but— 
 
 Sir C. Sprightly, lively. 
 
 Grace. Dull. Sir, dull as small beer. 
 
 Sir C. A stupid fellow, that can only twirl his thumbs 
 or scratch his head — jealous too, perhaps ? 
 
 Grace. I am afraid he is — indeed, 1 am sure he is — and 
 the next time he catches me alone — mercy on me ! 
 
 Sliarpe. {(iside.) If it wasn't for that cursed pension, 
 I'd tell the whole truth. — Humph! \_stamping. 
 
 Sir C. What's the matter ? 
 
 Sharpe. {startled.) The — cramp. Sir ;^-only the cramp. 
 Sir. 
 
 Sir C. Have you prepared a desert, too? 
 
 Sharpe. {a.iide.) Desert ? — I wish you had yonr deserts. 
 1 can't stand it — I — Oh, I'll open the whole business at 
 once! Sir, since the truth must out, Grace and — 
 
 Enter Thomas, r. 
 
 Thomas. Sir, Lady Courtall is coming up th? lime- 
 tree walk. 
 
 Sir C. What, Lady Courtall coming? 
 
 Thomas. Yes, Sir. 
 
 Sharpe. I'm saved — Phu ! I breathe again. 
 
 Sir C. There quick, quick, away with those chairs 
 and tables, and every thing, [considerable bustle and cotf 
 fusion — .S'iV Charles and the Servant clearing away — Grac4 
 running about in alarm — Sharpe appears spite fully to enjoy 
 the scene, now and then following Grace.) Why don't you 
 assist and not keep running about so, you scoundrel ? 
 As for you my pretty one, 1 can't give you a ride home to- 
 day, so you had better make all the haste you can by 
 yourself, {runs with Grace to the sm-ill gate.) Zounds, it's 
 'ocked ! — where's the key, Sharpe 'i 
 
 Sharpe. Tlie key, Sir 'i 
 
 Sir (J. Yes, the key. 
 
 Sharpe. {takes it out of his pocket looks at it, puis it in 
 again, and pretends to search for it.) I have lost it. Sir. 
 
 SirC. Death and the Devil! — What's to be done? — 
 My wife will suspect the innocence of my motives, and 
 this pretty creature will seem as if —Hark, she's coming! 
 Run into the pavilion ; it's the only refuge left. 
 
 [^F.xit Grace into pavilion, L. 
 
 I 
 I
 
 Scene 1.] the married bachelor. 21 
 
 Enter Lady Courtai.l, from gates. Sir Charles ran* t<j 
 
 meet and embrace her. 
 
 Lady C. Oh, my dear Sir Charles, how happy I am 
 to see you once more ! I feared 1 should not arrive in 
 time: but are you quite recovered, quite, quite? 
 
 Sir C. Recovered 1 What do you mean? What 
 broug-bt you back so soon ? 
 
 Ludi/ C. Do not be surprised ; I know all. 
 
 SirC. All, Lady Courtall, falarmed J al\, what all? 
 
 Lady C. See — this little note, written with a pencil, 
 •was placed iu my band by a boy, mounted on one of your 
 horses. 
 
 Sir C. ("after reading the note, and aside. J Who the 
 devil can take so lively an interest in my health ?— 
 Sharpe, do you know the hand ? [crosses to centre. 
 
 Skarpe. No, Sir, no. — I havn't the sliglitest idea— 
 ("aside. J My own little note. 
 
 Sir C. I'd give something to know whom to reward 
 for this kindness. 
 
 Lady C, I am so glad it was but a false alarm — that 
 the danger was not so great as my informer thought it. 
 
 Sharpe. It was rather serious, though, Madam, while 
 it lasted. 
 
 Lady C. If it ever should occur again, I rely upon 
 you, Sharpe, for an immediate notice. 
 
 Sharpe. I will not fail to give instant notice to your 
 ladyship, depend upon it. 
 
 Sir C. Come, my dear, it's all over now ; will you 
 take a walk ? {aside to Sharpe.) Contrive to get Grace 
 away, 
 
 LadyC. I have been much flurried; I had rather rest 
 in this pavilion a few minutes. 
 
 SirC The pavilion? 
 
 Lady C. Yes ; why not ? 
 
 SirC. Why to tell you — {aside to Skarpe.) Invent — lie 
 -swear: say something to get me out of this infernal 
 scrape I 
 
 Skarpe. I will, Sir — Her ladyship little expects to 
 find iu the pavilion — a — a — but I hope she will excuse— 
 
 LadyC. Find what? — excuse what ? — 
 
 s.'iarpe. A smart, pretty little woman, that I brought 
 to—
 
 2f THE MAURIED nACHELOn. [Act 1 
 
 Lady C. What ! A woman brought to the Hall in my 
 absence ? 
 
 Sir C. [\Lith affected avger.) How, a female! — (aside to 
 Sharpe.) Admirable 1 — i;dniirable I — keep it up 1 
 
 Sharpe, 1 will, Sir, — better than you expect. [aside. 
 
 Sir C. This must be explained, Sir — this audacity— 
 
 Sharpe. Sir — Madam — I blush to say it ; but the in- 
 nocent cause of this confusion is — is — ray wife. 
 
 Larf^C. 1 Yourwife- 
 Sharpe. (a-^ide.) Oh, my poor pension, there it goes!— 
 Sir Cliarles always insisted upon having none bui 
 baclielors about him, and, dreading his displeasure, 1 kepL 
 my marriage a secret. — My wife is virtuous, simple and 
 obliging — Sir Charles attentive to the slightest want or 
 wish of his amiable lady, ordered me to look out for an 
 attendant on your ladyship, and 1 confess, 1 did wish to 
 solicit your kindness for poor Mrs. S. and the forgiveness 
 of my ^^enerous master for me. 
 
 Sir C. [aside) Upon my life, that fellow has the most 
 admirable stock of invention ! — his lies are so abundant 
 and so natural! 
 
 Lady C. My dear Sir Charles, how warmly my heart 
 acknowledges the delicacy of those little attentions oa 
 your part. Sharpe, let me see your choice. 
 [Exeunt Sharpe and Lady Coiirtall into pavilion, L. 
 Sharpe and Sir Charles exchanging signs. 
 Sir C. Was there ever sucli an extempore ? As I live, 
 one might liave believed every word he uttered. That 
 fellow's a treasure! How cleverly he introduced a wife 
 to our notice! His sudden marriage, however, released 
 me from a most disagreeable predicament. How easily 
 a man may lose his character by an awkward concommit- 
 tance of circumstances, (hypocritically.) Lady Courtall 
 might have become jealous, although 1 was so innocently 
 engaged with that charming sample of rustic simplicity. 
 
 Enter Lady Couri'ai.l. 
 
 Lady C. Wiiat a delightful surprise you have afforded 
 me — 1 am quite delighted with the siniplieity and in- 
 g-enuousncss of the uiw bride. 
 
 Sir C. Uo you think she will do ?
 
 Scene 1,J the married rachelor. 23 
 
 LaiJy C. I feel sure of it. And poor Sharpe, he seems 
 to doat on her I — He's so kind, so afft-ctionate ! — His an- 
 imation when lie presented her to me, bespoke the sincer- 
 ity of conjugal love. — How gratilying it is to witness 
 such connubial happiness in others, when all at one's own 
 home breathes the same spirit of mutual tenderness. 
 
 Sir C. Oh, my cliarming- reciprocity of sentiment ! 
 (embraces Lady Courtalt, looking over her shoulder towards 
 the pavilion.) What the devil makes them stay so long ? 
 
 Lady C. (alijling a iaugh.) Turning towards a looking 
 glass, I saw him — 
 
 Sir C. Saw himi— 
 
 Lady C. Steal a kiss. 
 
 Sir C. And yon permitted him ? 
 
 Lady C My dear Sir Cliarks, could I find fault at a 
 husband's stealing a sly caress ? 
 
 Sir C. A husband! under that name he might. — Be- 
 sides, Lady Courtall, you know how strict I am upon the 
 score of morality and decency. 
 
 Lady C. I think I have seen you less severe. 
 
 Sir C. Never ! — I must lecture Mister Sharpe a little. 
 
 Lady C. Not for what has just passed. 
 
 Sir C. No — for something else. 
 
 Lady C. That indeed — (^cros.tes to R.~~) I'll go and 
 give orders to get a room ready for Grace, near our own. 
 
 [Exit R. 
 
 Enter Sharpe from pavilion. L. 
 
 Sir C. So, Sir, you're come at last ; you've been a 
 plaguy long time in the pavilion. 
 
 Sharpe. (aloud, as if for Lady Courtall to hear him.) I 
 beg your pardon, Sir, but my wife — 
 
 Sir C. Your wife !— 
 
 Sharpe, Yes, Sir : I was giving her a little advice as 
 to her future conduct, now my lady has taken her into 
 her service ; and you know. Sir — 
 
 Sir C. I do know, Sir, that you are a scoundrel, and 
 that I have a mind to horsewhip you within an inch of 
 your life. 
 
 Sharpe. That's a good joke. 
 
 Sir C. I see how it is : you would be the ruin of that 
 young creature !— You would take advantage of her sim-
 
 t4 THE MARRIED BACHELOR. [Act 1. 
 
 plicity and inexperience. — Under my roof too, where 
 you know an outrage to morality would — 
 
 Sliarpe. Upon my soul. Sir— 
 
 Sir C. Don't swear, Sir. — Wliat did you mean by that 
 stolen kiss, eh? 
 
 Sharpe. (aside.) Who the devil could Lave told him 
 that ? 
 
 Sir C. You're trying to fudge up another lie ; are 
 you ? 
 
 Sharpe. No, Sir ; I scorn it, Sir — I — I— I did kiss her ; 
 but it was to pr mote your interest. I saw that my lady 
 was not quite convinced by the tale I told her, in order 
 to relieve you from your quandary just now, 1 didu't 
 know what to do to put it out of all manner of doubt, so, 
 Sir, I — 1 — I thought of something desperate — and I kiss- 
 ed her — and I tliink you ought to be obliged to me, fori 
 am sure it has settled your business. But it is always 
 thus; servants may wear their very lives out, and their 
 masters think they never go far enough. 
 
 Sir C. Quite the contrary ; I think you have gone a 
 great deal too far. Besides, I have a shrewd suspicioD 
 that this something desperate was in your own service. 
 
 Sharpe. Sir! 
 
 Sir C. You cannot deceive me — Grace is coming this 
 way. You see that bower ? (r. — ) 1 will conceal myself 
 there, see every motion, hear every whisper — I shall now 
 put both your zeal and fidelity to the proof. — You under- 
 stand ?— 
 
 Sharpe. But, Sir, suppose she herself— suppose Grace 
 should — should take a liking to me — should absolutely 
 court me, shall I be to blame? — Consider, Sir, the frailty 
 of human nature, I would do anything to promote your 
 interest or your pleasure, but if a pretty girl should 
 prefer — 
 
 Si\- C. I am easy upon that score, quite easy. 
 Now have a Cjre: if you become desperate again, you 
 shall first get a ducking in the horse-pond, and then be 
 kicked out of doors. — What think ye of my promise ? 
 
 Sharpe. That it would be more honoured in the breach 
 than tiie observance. 
 
 Sir C. Remember — no desperation ! 
 [retires into the bower, from which he occasionally peepr.
 
 Scene I.] the harried bachelor. 25 
 
 Enter Grace, Jrom pavilion. L. 
 
 Grace. What a dear g;ood lady that is! — We shall be 
 so happy now, because we shall stand in need of no fur- 
 ther disguise. 
 
 Sir C. What does she say ? 
 
 Skarpe. (endeavours by signs to make her comprehend 
 that she must not talk so loudly, but finding every effort 
 useless, exclaims aside.) Here's a pretty situation ! — If I 
 speak, I lose my place ; if I hold my tongue, I lose my 
 wife — what the devil shall 1 do? 
 
 Grace. 1 may now tell everybody that you are my 
 husband. 
 
 Sharpe, (with forced cheerfulness.) Your husband ! 
 Come, come, Grace, you must not carry the joke too far. 
 Husband and wife ! — That's very well sometimes ; but— 
 
 Grace. A husband in joke ! — And have I only been 
 carrying on a joke all this while? — Very well, Sir, {con» 
 trouling her tears.) very well — I needn't break my heart 
 about you ; 1 can get plenty of husbands upon the same 
 terms. 
 
 Sharpe. (aside.) Yes, that would just crown the busi- 
 ness. — Hear me, Grace — (aside) I must humour her, or 
 she'll spoil all — (in a low tone.) Certainly, yes, I am your 
 husband — (aloud for Sir Charles to hear ; whilst he is mak' 
 ing signs to Grace, that his master is in the bower.) Sir 
 Charles — the honour — who deserves my — If I were my 
 own master, indeed — but my duty, myconscience — curse 
 it — don't you understand me ? 
 
 Grace. Not very clearly ; but I dare say, It means, you 
 are sorry for what you have done, and so I forgive you— 
 there, you may take a kiss. 
 
 Sir C. (aside.) Take a kiss I 
 
 Sharpe. (looks towards the bower— -Sir Charles make$ 
 threatening signs. J I wish 1 durst. 
 
 Grace. What ! you won't ? very well. Sir — I don't 
 care. — I — I — I will go and complain of your cruelty to 
 my lady, so I will ! 
 
 Skarpe. Oh, Lord ! Oh, Lord ! 
 
 Grace. I'll tell Sir Charles of it — he won't treat me 
 BO ; he's a polite, good-natured gentleman.
 
 ■30 THE M.tRUIbD CACHLLOB. [Act I. 
 
 Enter Lady Courtall. r. 
 
 Lndij C. Bless me! — What's the matter ? — Quarrelling! 
 — rOh, fie! 
 
 Shurpe. It's her fault, my lady. 
 
 Grace. No, it's all his fault, my lady. 
 
 S/iarpe. I wished to — 
 
 Grace. No, he didn't wish : and when I offered him a 
 kiss just now, he would not take it. 
 
 I.aclt/ C. Refuse to kiss your wife when she asks you 
 I'm ashamed of you. — Come, this must not be: 1 insist'- 
 upon a reconciliation. 
 
 Skarpe. With alt submission to your ladyship — Cturns 
 towards Sir Charles, slirnfrs his shoulders as much as to say 
 —^'^ you see I can't help if') as you insist upon it — /'kisses 
 Orace boisterously. J there — My dear Grace, forget what's 
 past, and J will he a good boy for the future. 
 
 Grace. Oh, dear, my heart is ready to jump out of my 
 bosom with joy ! 
 
 Sir C. [comes forward joith sererity, betveen Grace and 
 Skarpe.y Still here. Sir, after what I said to you. 
 
 Sharpe. Caside.J I'm lost — pension, place, and all! 
 There they go — good bye. [crosses to v.. H. comer, 
 
 Grace. Oh, praj', Sir, do not turn my husband away ? 
 
 Sir C. (^aside.) Her h'.isband! The jade sticks to it. 
 
 Lady C. You won't turn the poor young man away, 
 my dear? 
 
 Sir C. Yes, my love, 1 most undoubtedly will, and 
 for vrry good reasons. He knows why 1 discharge him. 
 
 Sharpe. I, Sir? No, Sir, upon my soul, I don't ! 
 
 Lady C. Do not reply now ; go into the house; I'll- 
 speak for you — I'll intercede. You will, (^lo Sir. C.) allow 
 them to sleep here to-night ? 
 
 Sir C. Lady Courtall'! 
 
 Lady C. (to Sharpe and Grace.) There — there — go in. 
 To-morrow let me see you ; you know your room. 
 
 Grace. Come, William — 
 
 Sir C. Are you really sending them off together ? 
 
 Lady C, No, my, dear; it is ,you who are sending 
 them away. ' . 
 
 Sir C. ' But, Lady Courtall — they — they are not mar- 
 tied, if the truth must out.
 
 (Scene 1.1 the married bachelor. 87 
 
 Lady C. Not married ! 
 
 Sir C. Not married. 
 
 Grace, {to Sharpe.) What, don't he knaw that — 
 
 S/iarpe Husli ! 
 
 Lacli/ C. 1 am confoqni^esd I-^so gentlerr-so i^pparently 
 innocent — so pretty. 
 
 Sir C. Yes, yes, all that, if you please, but still not 
 married. To think of the hypocrisy of this world! I 
 quite loved that fnan ; and as for lier, I tliou^ht if she 
 was as good as she was handsome, I siiould quite love 
 her too. But after such moral turpitude, 1 should fear to 
 have them under the same roof with me. Nothing in tiie 
 world could make me part with them but such conduct as 
 they have been guilty of. 
 
 Sharpe. And would you, indeed. Sir, have kept us 
 if we had leally been married ? {in a tone of mock humili- 
 ty. He ;<j(rp,* two papers from pocket, which Grace snatches 
 from him and presents to Sir Charles.) 
 
 Grace. That will convince you, Sir, of the real truth. 
 {to Sharpe.) You're so slow. 
 
 Sir C. Have you placed yourself under him to learn the 
 tru° art of fibbing: ? This is some other forged tale, {to 
 Sharpe.) 
 
 Sharpe. Authentic documents. Sir: certificate of mar- 
 riage, and attestation of cliaracter, {crosses to Sir Charles,') 
 which I hope you will have the kindness to sign for the 
 satisfaction of Grace's friends. 
 
 Sir C. {Heads.) Hum — " married, — 4th of June, — 
 Church — WiUiiun Shar,pe,-^<Sjrrace Jenkins, — Reverend 
 Tye'emtight." — {Reaas the second note.) " This is to cer- 
 tify, that William Sharpe, Steward to Sir Charles Court- 
 all." — Steward! 
 
 Lady C. You remember that you promised him the 
 situation. 
 
 Sharpe. If you will. Sir, kindly subscribe that cer- 
 tificate of my good behaviour — 
 
 Sir C. And so under sign manual, confirm you as my 
 steward! Now is it really possible, that, for once, you 
 can have told the truth ? 
 
 Sharpe. Every thing must have a beginning — {aside to 
 Sir Charles.) Besides, Sir, I did not encroach upon your 
 rights ; you came poaching on my manor.
 
 PR 
 U3 Ms 
 
 M THE MARRIED BACHELOR. [Act 1. 
 
 Sir C, (crosses'to L.<— a*jrfe.^ I cannot help laug-hing 
 ■when I think of the ridiculous figure Sharpe cut with the 
 iiapkin under his arm — Come, I forgive all. You shall 
 remain with me and Le my steward. I only looked to 
 honour and morality in all I did; those indispensable 
 qualities attended to, I — I shall be glad to have Grace 
 near me ; and the world shall own that Courtly Hall caa 
 boast of two happy couple. 
 
 Grace. Then we are married now, for ever and ever I 
 Sharpe. We are indeed — (/o the audience.) and I hope 
 our best friends will deign their indulgent acceptance of 
 
 " The Married Bachelor ; or. Master and Man." 
 
 DISPOSITION OF THE CHARACTERS AT THE 
 FALL OF THE CURTAIN. 
 
 Sharpe. Grace. Lady Courtall. Sir Charlet,
 
 FACILITY