M9 8 3 y//./ ^ / ' /fi< v/ /- - ' ///, PLETTHKR, THE LIFE OF MRS. MARY FLETCHER, CONSORT AND .RELICT OP THE REV. JOHN FLETCHER, VICAR OF MADELEY, SALOP. COJi"ILED FROM HER JOURNAL, AND OTHER AUTHENTIC DOCUMENTS. BY HENRY MOORE. The end of the commandment is charity, out of a pure heart, and of a good eon- science, and of faith unfeigned, 1 Tim. i, 5. By faith, choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God, than io enjoy the pleasures of 3in for a season, Heb xi. 25. These are they which follow the Lamb whithersoever he eoeth, Rey. iir, 4 NEW-YORK, PDELISHED BY J. EMORY AND B. WATJGH. FOR THE METHODIST EPISCOPAL CHURCH, AT THE CONFERENCE OFFICE. 14 CROSBY-STREET. J. Collurd, printer. 1832. PREFACE. A SHORT time after I was appointed to the Birmingham dis- trict, the papers of the late Mrs. Fletcher were put into my hands. I was informed at the same time, that the venerable person whose life was recorded in them, had mentioned me as one that she wished should prepare and publish her papers ; and that an application to that effect would have been made to me before that time, but that the distance of my former appoint- ment had prevented it, Mrs. Fletcher having laid an injunction on her friend, to whom, by will, she had committed them, not to give them absolutely into the hands of any person whatso- ever. I examined those papers with no common interest. They gave an account not only of the writer's own life, but involved, in some respects, that of her admirable husband. I was cer- tain that those records were desired, and would be received, by the most pious in these kingdoms, not as a common reli- gious biography, but as the record of an uncommon work of God ; and that they would not be expected to fall short of any account which has come forth in that gyeat revival of Scriptural Christianity in our day, concerning which we have so often been constrained to say, What hath God wrought ? I have often wishe^ to see such a display of that work as would show its genuine nature and fruits, free from the colour- ing of those writers who were not directly concerned in it ; or of those who might be so anxious about its public reputation, as to forget, that the circumcision of the heart is justified only by those children of the light and of the day who prove its power, and cry, Abba, Father, by the Spirit of adoption; and whose praise is not of men, but of God. It is much to be desired also to sec sucli an account made living and power- ful by being personified ; to see an individual thus walking- worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God, A general history of this work, including all the important circumstances, has been already published, especially in the journals of the Rev. Mr. John Wesley, the father of Methodism, so called. In these we see, as in the Gospel, the grain of mustard seed, increasing and becoming a great tree, to tho astonishment of those who witnessed its small beginning, ifho " saw the cloud arise little as a human hand." The display given us in that account, is distinguished by the same aimpH- 4 PREFACE. city, purity, and classical beauty, which arc observable in afi the writings of that eminent instrument of God. This large survey is highly satisfactory ; but the aid of living testimony is necessary to bring it home to the hearts of those whose inquiry is, What shall I do to be saved ? How shall / walk with God 1 Religion is nothing less than the life of God in the soul of man. It is the offspring of God through faith, and is not, and cannot be attached to churches or religious communities, though they are so highly necessary to its propagation an5 increase. It never was so attached ; though while the cove- nant of God was established with the nation of the Jews, it had that appearance. But even then, all were not Israel, who were of Israel. The children of the promise, and not the children of the flesh, were counted for the seed. The Gospel, however, to the stumbling of the greatest part of that people, put an end to that appearance. The national covenant answer- ed the design of Him who gave it. It foretold, typified^ and prepared the way of the only begotten Son of God. But who could abide the day of his coming ? Who could stand when he appeared ? It is true he was meek and lowly in heart, and his very word and action, toward even the greatest transgress- ors, demonstrated that he came not to destroy men's lives, but to save them. But he exposed and resisted all those who walked in the deceivableness of unrighteousness, and who boasted, like their fathers, saying, The temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord, are we ! He looked for personal religion ; and all who attached it to names, ordinances, or communities, he answered with, Ye worship ye know not what. He enforced poverty of spirit, mourning, meekness, mercifulness, and purity of heart ; showing thus the beginning and progress of religion, as given to guilty, sin- ful, helpless creatures, in whom dwells no good thing ; and who are thus to be made rich in faith, and heirs of the king- dom of heaven : and who thus alone can be made new crea- tures, and meet for the inheritance among the saints in light ; whose robes are washed and made white in the blood oj the Lamb. These pure and high principles of Holy Writ, so agreeable to the exalted character of Jehovah, and to the fallen and wretched condition of man, were sought out and adopted by the band of brothers in the university of Oxford, nearly ninety years ago. One great truth involved the whole as necessary to salvation, Without holiness no man shall see the Lord. They immediately followed after this, making every sacrifice, and ordering their whole life that they might attain it. Some time after, the Lord showed them that his way of conferring holiness was by faith ; and that he justifies men, as beinp PREFACE. ungodly, through the redemption that is in Jesus, before he sanctifies them. Thy now knew the whole truth, and the Lord thrust them forth from their beloved retirement, to raise a holy people. This was the one design of these chosen instru- ments, and every thing short of it they counted, to use the language of St. Paul, wood, hay, or stubble. But did they spend their strength for nought ? Were they disappointed of their hope '? Were not a holy people raised up 7 Let the life of Mrs. Fletcher speak. Let the pious reader say, if he be not introduced, in these memoirs, among the excellent of the earth; all of whom with one voice would testify, " Blind we were, but now we see ; Deaf, we hearken, Lord ! to thee ; Dumb, for thee our tongues employ, Latne, and lo ! we leap for joy." " Some who have separated from other communities," says Mr. Wesley, " laid the foundation of that work, in judging and condemning others : we, on the contrary, in judging and con- demning ourselves." I cannot therefore but greatly rejoice that these memoirs are given to the public, and especially to that community of which the writer was so long a highly honoured and useful member. I cannot but tlu'nk they will be a great blessing to the people of God of every denomination ; and especially to all who desire to walk even as Christ also walked, and who are conscious of an evil nature, opposing that will of God which is their sanetification. In this point of view especially, these memoirs will be considered, I think, as very precious to all V;\\Q fight this good fight of faith. The reader will find in them no paint ; nothing to set the writer off; no extravagance ; but plain life, raised and sanctified by constant attention to the duties and sacrifices of the Gospel ; and issuing in a constant pleading of the great and precious promises, by which we are made par- takers of the Divine ncture : with unremitting efforts to walk by that rule, Whether ye eat or drink, or whatever ye do, do all to the glory of God. Luther observed, that there never was a work of God in the earth that lasted longer, in any community, than the common life of man ; that is, upon an average, about thirty years. Generally about that period the vineyard which the Lord planted with his own right hand, has been let out to husband- men, who, yielding to their natural propensities, and accom- modating the work of the Lord to the course of this world, have not been careful to render to him the required fruit. Hence the visible state of decay, or of death, in those couirnu- nities which once manifested the Divine hand of him vufco formed them. But this work has lasted nearly thrice raft time ! There are none alive who witnessed its beginning, and I* 6 PREPACK. but very few who knew its early days. If any such meet wrtli this work, they will call to mind the ve*ry glorious time when it was altogether the work of God ; when it was unsupported by any worldly power or wisdom, and had all that is earthly, sensual, and devilish, combined against it. They will see also a consistency in the design, and in the mode of execution, which is truly edifying, and not of this world. The instru- ments employed in this work, and especially that one so emi- nently called thereto, were not careful fo'ir such prosperity as worldly men desire. They knew, like their blessed Master, that all whom their Father gave them would come unto them, and they did not desire to bring the world into his fold. The world is called, and redeemed: but to add to the family of Qod all who obeyed that call, was their only ambition, and the ob- ject of their incessant labours. The great superintendent of this work, under God, looked not for what the world calls great talents in his helpers. In this respect also he gladly used those whom the Father gave him ; who were witnesses of the truths which they were called to teach : men who knew God (in the only way in which he can be truly and powerfully known) as being merciful to their unrighteousness, and remembering their sins no more. He was careful also to see that the true fruit accompanied their ministry, The justification of the ungodly, and the xancti- fication of the unholy. He used to say, " The best physician is not he who writes the best recipes, but he who makes the most cures." When men of learning united with him ift this Divine work, he greatly rejoiced, and gladly received them. The late Mr. Fletcher was an eminent instance of that kind. His learning was deep, extensive, clear, and various ; but like his venerable friend, whom he always called father, he counted even all these estimable advantages as dung and dross for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus his Lord. So abased was this great man in his own eyes, and so entirely did he take the Divine mould of the Gospel, that there was not one of those helpers in the work whom he did not rejoice to call his brother in Christ, and whom he did not in honour pre- fer to himself, even in his own parish. The private members also were men and women of God ; and among these Miss Bosanquet always held, in general esti- mation, the chief place. Her superiority in natural and provi- dential gifts, her well known entire devotedness, her con- stancy and perseverance in the Divine life, her doing and suffering the whole will of her Master, all fitted her, as by a general consent, to be the consort of that great man, whose iflbtse is in all the churches; whose admirable writings will lit while piety and learning are honoured in the earth ; and which have forced even those who did not kaow his piety> ot PREFACE. 7 affected to lament that such talents should be so connected, to acknowledge his great superiority. That the highest principles of the Christian religion should be brought into common life, is the greatest display of the power of Divine truth that is possible, and the most glorious victory over the world. It is thus that righteousness shall cover the earth, and bring glory to him that sitteth upon the throne. How poor, how questionable, are all the refinements of the closet, the study, or the cloister, when compared with the love of God and our neighbour, brought into act, and exhibited on right principles, amidst the common concerns and labours of life, and attended with its usual trials, afflictions, and mortifications ! To persevere thus, is indeed the perseverance of the saints, and realizes that old saying, too often quoted by pride and apathy : " It is a sight worthy of God, when he looks down from heaven, to see a virtuous mind unswervingly strug- gle with adversity." Such a sight, I trust, the pious reader will behold in the life of Mrs. Fletcher. Her one support in all her trials was, in substance, that of Job : He knoweth the way that I take, and when he hath tried me, I shall come- forth as gold. What indeed can be so interesting to a mind well informed and disposed, as to behold the daily walk of one, who, from a very early age had devoted her whole life to God 1 Not living in seclusion, but walking in what Jeremiah calls the highway, the way of holiness, in which the wayfaring man, though a fool, shall not err? To see our Lord's sermon on the mount brought into daily and hourly practice, according to the evident design of its divine Author. To see the house thus built upon the rock, the truth and love of God ; and then to behold the rains descend, and thejloods come, and the winds blow and beat upon it ! Surely they who contemplate the scene, and behold its stability, will exultingly exclaim : It falls not ; for it is founded upon a rock ! That such a person should be judged by men in the flesh, while living to God in the spirit, will not be surprising to any who learn what religion is, by the word and Spirit of God, and who know the real character of man. Mrs. Fletcher was thus judged. The common imputations 'she outlived, or lived down. One perhaps may remain. It may still perhaps be said, she was an enthusiast. To many who use this word no answer' need be returned. Any thing above the dead form of godliness is with them enthusiasm. A love to Him who first loved us, and who gave himself for us, the just for the unjust, to bring us to God, which would at all equal in its attachment the love that is of earth and sense, is with them all madness, folly, or hypocrisy ; wisdom is justified only by her children. But more sober minds may object, that she too much mind- S PREFACE. ed impressions, dreams, and those inward feelings, which religious persons are supposed to be particularly exposed to. That such things should be condemned, toto genere, is hardly consistent with any true religion, seeing the oracles of God so frequently mention them ; and not as attached to the prophetic or ministerial character, but as given to those who walk with God in the humblest path of life. The wisest and best of men have not only spoken of such things with respect, but have made them a part of the religion which they have held forth to ages and generations, to communities and kingdoms. Con- cerning religious feelings and impressions, the Liturgy of the Church of England, and her established institutes, bear the fullest and most honourable testimony ; setting the highest value on that mode of Divine teaching, and of bestowing en- couragement and consolation. We know the worship of our Church is so constituted, as, if possible, to impress the whole nation ; but there are parts of it that can only be considered as describing and edifying the children of God. How striking are those passages in the communion service, where those who spiritually eat the flesh of Christ, and drink his blood, are said, agreeably to the Holy Scriptures, to dwell in Christ, and Christ in them ; to be one with Christ, and Christ with them .' And in the seventeenth article, where there is the strongest description of those adopted children of God, (so strong indeed in some of the terms, that not a few have mistaken this Scrip- tural account of them, as descriptive of Mr. Calvin's system,) who by the counsel of God, are delivered from the curse and damnation due to sin, and brought through Christ to ever- lasting sahation, as vessels made to honour. " Wherefore they which be endued with so excellent a benefit of God, be called according to God's purpose by his Spirit working in due season : they through grace obey the calling : they be justified freely : they be made sons of God by adoption : they be made like unto the image of his only begotten Son, Jesus Christ : they walk religiously in good works, and at length, by God's mercy, they attain to everlasting felicity." And " as this godly consideration of their election in Christ is full of sweet, plea- sant, and unspeakable comfort, to such as feel in them- selves the working of the Spirit of Christ, mortifying the works of the flesh, and their earthly members, and drawing up their mind to high and heavenly things ; so it doth great- ly establish and confirm their faith of eternal salvation, and fervently kindle their love to God." Now with all this life, union, and holy fellowship, are there no corresponding feelings and enjoyments '? No tasting the powers of the world to come ? No lively impressions of their heavenly inheritance ? No consciousness of his love to them, or their love to him, in whom they dwell? No peace or joy PREFACE. tn believing 1 If this were indeed so, then I am afraid, the life, the union, of which those feelings and impressions have been considered as the gracious marks, have no real existence ; and the system which boasts of a peace, of which the possessor has no consciousness, a joy which raiseth not "the mind to high and heavenly things," and a hope which is not full of im- mortality, may triumphantly take its place in the congregation of the dead! But it will be asked, Did she not lay an undue stress up< these things ? I believe not. I have not perceived it. On t contrary, I have seen, even when she believed herself led the Spirit of God to do that good which was the settled pi pose of her whole life, she manifested the greatest care to wi according to St. John's direction, Beloved, believe not even, spirit ; but try the spirits whether they be of God. In obe- dience to this, she considered and pondered all her ways, and brought every purpose and act to the only sure touchstone, the unerring word of God. The same charge was often brought against Mr. Wesley, and for precisely the same reasons. Answering the most respectable of those who thus laid to his charge things that he knew not, viz. Dr. Gibson, the venera- ble bishop of London, he replies, " In the whole compass of language, there is not a proposition which belongs less to me than this. I have declared again and again, that I make the word of God the rule of all my actions ; and that I no more follow any secret impulse instead thereof, than I follow Mo- hammed or Confucius." Let Mrs. Fletcher be weighed in this balance, and I believe she will not be found wanting. She, like Mr. Wesley, and her excellent husband, served God in newness of the spirit, and not in the oldness of the letter. Hence her life was hid with Christ in God, and she had impressions, and consola- tions, which are the fruits and evidences of that life. But she well knew that the Spirit of truth never contradicts, never is inconsistent with himself. His written oracles, and his lively, and life-giving teaching, agree together. She humbly and earnestly attended to that direction, To the law, and to the testimony ; if they speak not according to this word, it is because there is no light in them. A writer of the present day has strangely said, that he knew of no witness, no influ- ence, no teaching, but the written word of God. Perhaps he does not know any other. But there are many who walk with God who do. But if that writer only means, that he knows, or acknowledges, no witness, no influence, no teaching, that if contrary to that holy word, or that is inconsistent with its one design, to save us from all sin, into all holiness, every true Christian will applaud the sentiment. Mrs. Fletcher was watchful in this respect, being aware of the danger. Hence, 10 PREFACE. though she might err, she never deviated from the path. She might mistake ; but she was always preserved from any depar- ture from her God. The pious reader will be glad to be assured, that the who!' of these memoirs are from Mrs. Fletcher's pen. In compiling her Life, I have left out much valuable matter, which was either contained, in substance, in other parts of these memoirs, or was not of sufficient interest to appear in the publication. I have also compressed what I thought was redundant, that the work might not be needlessly swelled. I have also thought it right to press her sentences into more conciseness. She wrote in the fulness of her heart, and with admirable sense ; but her style was rather too copious, and sometimes too diffuse, for narrative or history. But I have taken care, at the same time, to give the admirable issues of her enlightened mind, with all the force and simplicity with which she recorded them. . Those who have read the lives of those truly pious women, Madame Guion, Chantel, Bourignon, and others of the same class, which so abundantly prove, that even the cloud of Rom- ish superstition does not preclude thetays of the Sun of right- eousness, and that involuntary ignorance God still winketk at, will be glad to see a life, in the Protestant Church, supe- rior to any of them. Especially, they will see, that all in her may be safely imitated, being all according to the faith once delivered to the saints. They will see also, not the fair pic- ture only, but how it came to bear the stamp Divine. They may trace its progress, and be encouraged to believe, that the Lord, who is ever the same, will thus work in them to will and to do, notwithstanding opposing corruptions : and they will thus be encouraged to give themselves up to that grace of God y which teaches us to deny ungodliness, and worldly lusts, and to live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this pre- sent world ; looking for that blessed hope and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Saviour Jesus Christ. H. MOORE. Birmingham, April 14, 1817. THE LIFE OF MRS. FLETCHER. PART THE FIRST. HER EARLY LIFE AND CHRISTIAN EXPERIENCE. I WAS born September the first, O. S., 1739, at Laytonstone, m Essex. From my earliest years 1 can remember the Spirit of God striving with me, and offering me salvation ; but I slighted these most gracious calls, and many times resisted the most tender invitations. One day, from a little circumstance which occurred when I was about four years old, I received such a conviction that God heareth prayer, that it often admi- nistered much comfort to me in seasons of trial and danger. Of this I had the greater need, being by nature fearful even to a degree of folly. How much this effeminacy of disposition has cost me, in my Christian warfare, and what sufferings, as well as spiritual loss, I have sustained from it, is known .only to my heavenly Father. When I was five years old, I began to have much concern about my eternal welfare, and frequently inquired of those about me, whether such and such things were sins. On Sabbath evenings, my dear father used to instruct us in the Church catechism. At those seaso%s I can remember asking many questions. I wished to know whether any ever did love God with all their heart, and their neighbour as themselves ; and whether it was really the command of God that we should do so : also if the Bible really meant all it said ? It seemed to me that if it did, I was wrong,' and all about me in danger ; for there appeared to be a great difference between the description of a Christian given in the word of God, and those who walk under that name. As I was a backward child, and of weaker understanding than the others, I was not well re"ad in the Scriptures at that very early age ; but sentences out of the word of God frequently occurred to my mind, and made a deep impression ; such as, Thou shall love the Lord thy God with all thy heart. I ivoulJttp|Rrer, But I do not love God at all ; I do not know how w*Iove him ; and with respect to loving my neighbour thus, I am sure I do not ; for though my sister is dearer to me ban any body else, I do not love her as well as myself. Again, 12 THE LIFE OV [PART I that word struck me much ; St. Paul says, I have fought the good fight ; and when I was baptized, the minister said, I was to be " Christ's faithful soldier and servant, and fight manfully^ under his banner." This amazed me greatly. I thought, I aij^ sure I do not fight, neither do I know what to fight againe But, above all, that sentence would follow me, Narrow is the way which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find, it ; and, // ye are not of the world, the world will hate you. I did not feel it a narrow way, neither did the world hate me ; therefore I questioned often whether I was not quite out of the way, yet it was not with any terror : I believed if the Lord saw that I was wrong, he would make me right, and sometimes I prayed for it. At other times I was very careless ; yet these reflections still dwelt on my mind, and often perplexed me. I frequently asked questions about these subjects, but they were often very lightly treated. Those parts of Scripture were represented as very liable to be mistaken, and that they did not require obedience in all the strictness which I seemed to sup- pose. This well agreed with my carnal mind, and I thus soon quenched those tender convictions : so easy is it to drown the soft voice of the Spirit by carnal reasonings. I now drew the following reflections : If the Bible does not mean all it seems to speak, with regard to the commands of God, certainly the same allowance may be made for its threat- enings ; so that I began to believe there was no hell at all, or at least not half so terrible as I had been taught to think. This thought raised in me a dislike to the word of God, and great coldness and carelessness throughout all my conduct. But my adorable Lord did not give me up to the hardness of my heart, but still followed me with his drawings. Often I thought, per- haps the Bible does mean what it says, and then I am not a Christian ; and greatly did I wish to know what was the truth. My sister, who was nearly five years elder than I, was also under a concern for her soul : she wished to know and do the will of God. About this time there came a servant maid to live with my father, who ha"d heard of, and felt some little of the power of inward religion. It was among the people called Methodists she had received her instructions. Seeing the uneasiness my sister was under, she took some opportunities of conversing with her. I was at this season with my grandmother. On my return home, my sister repeated the substance of these conver- sations to me. I well remember the very spot we stood on, and the words she spake, which, though we were but a few 'toinutes together, sunk so deeply into my heart, that Jtaawere tfever afterward erased. My reflections were suitedlBBIchild not seven years old. I thought if I became a Methodist, I should be sure of salvation ; and determined, if ever I could FART I.I MRS. FLETCHER. 13 I get to that people, whatever it cost I would be one of them. But after a few conversations, and hearing my sister read some little books which this servant had given to her, I found out, it was not the being joined to any people that would save me, but I must be converted, and have faith in Christ ; that I was to be saved by believing ; and that believing would make me holy, and give me a power to love and serve God. The servant had now left our family, and we continued like blind persons groping our way in the dark ; yet, though we had so far discerned the truth as to express it in the above manner, I could not comprehend it. My heart rose against the ;dea of being saved by a faith which I could not understand. One day looking over the pictures in the Book of Martyrs, I thought it would be easier to burn than believe ; and heartily did I wish that the Papists would come and bum me, and then 1 thought I should be quite safe. Yet these troubled thoughts were mixed with a degree of hope. I thought, God does love me, I believe, after all ; and, perhaps, he will show me what it is to believe and be converted. When I was between seven and eight years old, musing one day on that thought, What can it be to know my sins forgiven, and to have faith in Jesus 1 I felt my heart rise against God, for having appointed a way of salvation so hard to be under- stood ; and with anguish of soul I said, if it were to die a mar- tyr, I could do it ; or to give away all I have ; or when grown up to become a servant, that would be easy ; but I shall never know how to believe. In that moment these words were applied with mighty power to my soul, " Who on Jesus relies, without money or price, The pearl of forgiveness and holiness buys." They were accompanied with a light and power I had never known before ; and with joy I cried out, I do, I do rely on Jesus ; yes, I do rely on Jesus, and God counts me righteous for what he hath done and suffered, and hath forgiven all my sins ! I was surprised that I could not find out this before. I had thought every thing easier than to believe ; but now I thought the way of believing more easy than any other. A ray of light into the Gospel plan shone upon my soul, and I began to adore the wonders of redeeming love. But, alas ! it was but as the drops before a shower ; in a few days 1 lost the power m a great measure,* though not the light of this blessing. I can remember many promises after this, being at times brought to my mind. Something also of a confidence in the Lord Jesus I everxetained ; and when fears would spring up concerning '.he day of jugment, I used to comfort myself with this thought, * She was not favoured at this time with Christian fellowship. She had none to help her in the way of faith. ED. 2 14 THE LIFE OF [PART I. * Jesus is to be the judge, and I cannot be afraid of Jesu I had not yet learned that lesson, ' Man for the simple life divine What will it cost to break ! Ere pleasure soft, and wily pride, Xo more within him speak V Some time after I had thus by faith " tasted of the powers of the world to come," I fell into an uncommon lowness and weakness of nerves, which was accompanied with grievous temptations. I was oppressed beyond measure with the fear of sin, and accused in almost every thing I said or did, so that I was altogether a heap of inconsistency. This was followed by temptations unspeakably afflicting. It was continually sug- gested to my mind, I had blasphemed against the Holy Ghost. The consequent effect of these temptations on my temper, drew on me many grievous burdens, and exposed me to so much anger and reproach from my parents, as made me weary of life. It appeared to them that I was obstinate and disobe- dient ; and my flesh has seemed ready to move on my bones, when I have heard my dear mother say, "That girl is the most perverse creature that ever lived ; I cannot think what is come to her ;" and my heart used to sink like a stone, for I knew not what to do, and the grief of my mind quite destroyed my health. My grandfather and grandmother, who were to me the tender- est of parents, seeing me in such a poor way as to my body, (though they knew not the cause,) desired to have me with them. I grew something better while I was there ; but on my return home, I became as bad as ever. This heavy season lasted, I think, nine weeks ; when one day opening my mind to my sister, (as indeed I had often before attempted to do, but could not explain myself,) she pro- videntially used these words in her answer, " Why, you do not mean to blaspheme, do you !" A light immediately struck into my nr.nd ; I weighed the thought over and over, and could truly say, Lord, thou knowest I do not mean to blaspheme. I then recollected that I had heard something about temptation, and often wondered what it was. I thought, it may be, Satan whispers this into my mind, like what we read about Christian in the Pilgrim's Progress, going through the valley of the sha- dow of death. I then determined never to regard it more, but always answer with these words, I do not mean to blaspheme, I will acknowledge Christ for ever ; and in a few days I was perfectly delivered. I am the more full on this head, because it has been a warning to me ever since, not to be too severe in passing a judgment on the actions of children, whose^i^- tions are far deeper, and their feelings much ket': are apt to imagine. 1 was now, I believe, about ten years old, and can recollect PART I.] MRS. FLETCHER. 15 many comfortable moments in reading the word of God. The oromises in Isaiah were, in a particular manner, applied to my mise was brought powerfully to my mind, " Whatsoever ye shall ask, believing, ye shall receive :" then, thought I, I may ask all the grace I "will ; I may ask power never to offend my God again. Faith sprung up in my soul, * Here again she felt the want of Christian fellowship. ED. 1 Well known in the Methodist connection, by her admirable many years ago, 16 THE LIFE OP [PART I. and I was much drawn out in prayer for holiness ; till one day speaking of it to a particular person, she raised many objec- tions to the thought of all sin being removed from the heart. I felt it as if cold water were thrown on a newly kindled fire, and the wings of my faith seemed dipt. Fearing lest I was wrong, I prayed the Lord to answer for himself by his word. So taking up the Bible, with much prayer I opened it, and immediately cast my eyes on these word's, " Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh ; is any thing too hard for me ?" It came with power ; my heart, as it were, leaped for joy ; and I cried out, Now I will wrestle, and I shall prevail. Toward the end of the following winter, there was a con- firmation at St. Paul's ; and my father desired I should be confirmed. This was a very rousing ordinance to me : for some time before I had felt how unworthy I was of it ; how unfit thus solemnly to devote myself to God, by renewing that covenant I had so often broken. I read the order of confirma- tion, with the ministration of baptism, over and over, and besought my God to give me power to keep the charge of the Lord faithfully. For some months after, every time I ap- proached the Lord's table, I had a very peculiar sense of his presence, and sometimes I felt as if the Lord Jesus did from his own hand give me the sacred emblems of his body and blood. But the next year my mind again wandered after many things, and though I tasted, now and then, a little of the loving-kindness of the Lord, yet in the general T was greatly under the po' of my own will. Pride and perverseness got many times upper hand, and there was nothing in my life or conversat which could adorn the Gospel ; but I did not then see my con- duct in that light. While our love is small, our perceptions irs spiritual things are very dark. Alas ! I thought I walked as a Christian ; but now that I see so much more of the holiness of God, I also discern more fully the depth of my falk and am astonished that either God or man bore with me. W||ile the carnal mind retained this power, I do not Xttander my dear i mother should not love me as the rest of heSbhildren ; for I was not only more dull and indolent in every ' thing I had to learn, but I gave way to an insolent and disobedient spirit in such a degree toward the whole family, thrit the recollection has often seemed to draw -blood from my heart. How per- fectly do I feel these words my own,- ffc"* " Sink down, my soul, sink lower atill, Lie level with the dust." But the Lord did not forsake me. One night after spending some time in prayer, I cast my eyes on a book Mrs. Lefevrs had given me, and read these words, PART I.) MRS. FLETCHER. J.7 " I'll look into my Saviour's breast ; Away, sad doubt and anxious care, Mercy is all that 's written there. Jesus' blood, through earth and skies, Mercy, free boundless mercy, cries.'' I saw as it were the Father of mercy opening hie arms to receive me, and on that boundless love I had liberty to cast my whole soul. "I was more and more thankful for my union with Mrs. Lefevre, and experienced in her the greatest comfort of my life. About this season my ever honoured grandfather and grand- mother were taken from us. He was one of the excellent of the earth : his life, in many respects, was remarkable and sin- gular. In his last illness he delighted much in these words, " My sheep hear my voice ; I know them, and they follow me," &c. He was aged seventy^nine, and had lived with my grand- mother forty-five years, in a union not usually to be met with. He was a pattern in many respects ; plain in his dress, morti- fied in his food, and strictly conscientious in all his expenses. When many dishes were on his table, he scarcely ate of any thing but mutton, and that for many years, because he believed it most conducive to his health. His love and charity to the poor were uncommon. He esteemed it a reproach to any man to say he died very rich ; adding, it is too plain a mark he has not made a good use of his income. One day upon the Exchange, a gentleman who was by him said to another, " Sir John, I give you joy ; they tell me you have completed your hundred thousand pounds." The other replied, " I hope to double it before I die." My grandfather turning short, said, " Then, Sir John, you are not worthy of it." Once being at the table of a nobleman, he observed the guests drinking to excess, and conversing in a very unchristian manner. At h'rst he tried to turn the conversation ; but the torrent being too strong, he rose up, and leaning over the back of his chair, he'gave them a solemn reproof, joined to an affec- tionate warning, and then left the company. I have been with him in his chariot when he has suddenly stopped it to reprove profane swearing on 'the road. My grandmother was a woman of an uncommonly sweet tem- pe'r ; and having acquired a good deal of skill in physic, she so helped the poor, that they looked on her as a mother, a nurse, and a counsellor. When my grandfather had been dead three months, she dreamed, one night, he came to her, and standing by the bedside, said, she " should come to him shortly, till then his happiness was not so complete as it would be ;" and added, " study the Scriptures, study the Scriptures, in them ye think ytt have eternal life." From this time ehf applied to them daily, in a manner superior to what she had done before ; though 2* 18 THE LIFE OF [PART I. she had always a high veneration for the word of God. About three weeks after, she said to us one day, " Air that room ; I will go into it, that I may die in the bed Mr. Dunster died in." From the night she went into it, she came out no more ; for she died within the week. As she did not appear any worse than usual, she was at first thought to be in no danger. She said to herself two or three times, " What a blessing I am dying without pain ! I have no more than I can very well bear!" From this time we began to get rather more liberty, and one day, as my sister was on a visit at Mrs. Lefevre's, Mr. Ro- maine came in, and began" to speak 'of the sinfulness of attend- ing the playhouse. She listened with great earnestness to all he said ; which repeating to me on her return, it was as a nail i7i a sure place, and I began to cry for power to stand to the light which I had then received. A few months after this my sister married, by which I was left alone. I must observe, to this time my parents had very little suspicion of our having any intercourse with the Method- ists, but thought, (when the before-mentioned servant was put away, and our books taken from us,) that our religious impres- sions had worn off. I now saw the time was come, when I must confess Christ before men, if I would wish him to con- fess me before his Father and the holy angels. I consulted some of my serious friends about the playhouse ; but they said, " Were you older, we should know what to advise, but as you are but sixteen, if your parents insist on your going, we do not see how you can avoid it." This answer did not fully satisfy me ; and I was much distressed both ways. I saw the duty I owed to an absolute command from my parents in a very strong light ; and, on the other hand, I remembered that my obedi- ence to them was to be in the Lord. I sought direction in prayer, and endeavoured to examine the question on both sides : but the more I searched, the clearer it appeared to me I must not comply. I considered the playhouse had a tendency to weaken every Christian temper, and to strengthen all that was contrary ; to represent vice under the false colour of virtue, and to lead in every respect into the spirit of the world, of which the Apostle declares, The friendship of this world is enmity with God. When the time came, and my obedient compliance was required, I begged to be left at home. On a refusal, I laid open my whole heart to my father ; apprizing him, T would not willingly be disobedient in any thing, unless where conscience made it appear to be my duty. We con- versed on the subject with great freedom ; for my dear father was a man of deep reason, calmness, and condescension. He replied, " Child, your arguments prove too much ; and there- fore are not conclusive. If what you say be true, then all PART I.] MRS. FLETCHER. 19 places of diversion, all dress and company, nay, all agreeable liveliness, and the whole spirit of the world, is sinful." I em- braced the opportunity and said, " Sir, / see it as such, and therefore am determined no more to be conformed to its cus- toms, fashions, or maxims." This was a season of great trial, but the Lord stood by me : glory be t his holy name ! I daily discerned a great difference between my manner of life, and that which the Bible described as the life of a Chris- tian. I had often strong desires to- be wholly given to the Lord. Much opposition I met with for having declared my sentiments ; and what was very cutting to me, I was often debarred from the pleasure of seeing my friend, Mrs. JLefevre. This was the consequence I much feared, if I should openly declare my mind ; but I was thoroughly convinced, if I loved my friend more than God's law, I should never know the power of true religion. It is my natural temper to be very anxious about those I love, and to fix too much of my confidence in them. This was the case with respect to Mrs. Lefevre. I saw and lamented it, beseeching the Lord to take away all idolatry out of my affections, and give me to love her as I ought. I dreamed one night I was in a church, and saw written on the wall, in letters of gold, these words : Thou shalt have no other gods but me. While I was looking on it, I saw the name of Mrs. Lefevre wrote under it. I was surprised, and presently beheld the following line, If this is your god, then what am 1 1 I awakened with a deep conviction that I had placed too much confidence on an arm of flesh. I knew it was the voice of God by this mark, a great sweetness accom- panied the reproof. This was the method the Lord has always used toward me ; he held me up with one hand, while he smote me with the other. In the month of June, 1756, 1 spent a day with Mrs. Lefevre. It was a profitable time : I found my heart very open, and told her, I believed I could give up even her to the will of God. She replied, " Nothing you could have said would have given me more satisfaction. For a long time I have thought the thread of my life was nearly spun out. I have no clo^upon my chariot wheels ; but my greatest pain was for you, who have already so many trials surrounding you," This was her last address ; for three days after I received a message, that she was seized with a sudden illness, and in great danger. My mother kindly per- mitted me to visit her ; but I found her on the borders of eter- nity, into which, after expressing with great difficulty, " 1 have comforts indeed !" her happy spirit took its flight. As my time was limited, I had returned home when I received the news of her death. I went into a grove that was in our garden, to pour out my soul before the Lord. But what may seem strange, I ttas not permitted to feel at that time much pain, for the Lord 20 THE LIFE OF [PART I. met me with these words, which sprang up as living water iu my soul, " My star by night, my sun by day, My spring of life, when parch'd with drought ; My wine to cheer, my bread to stay, "My strength, my shield, my safe abode, My robe berorethe throne of God." I felt the Lord Jesus did answer all these characters to my soul, and by faith I beheld him as my robe before the throne of God. When I was about seventeen years of age, my father and two brothers (younger than I) were going with some other company to see the Royal George, which was sixteen miles from the shore from whence we set out : my father desired me to accompany them. I knew not what to do, but at length believed I ought to obey. Indeed I thought I should have no farther cross than the going to the ship, and returning in the afternoon. But we had not been long in the vessel, before some of the company began to ridicule my overmuch religion. When we drew near the Royal George, the men said, we must not attempt to go round her, for she was deep and very dangerous ; but the gentlemen insisted they should row round the ship. While this was doing, we were in great danger, and the ladies, exceedingly alarmed, began to cry out. Some of them said, " Miss Bosanquet why are you so calm?" I told them I saw the danger, but our business was to trust in God ; I was quite ready either to sink or to be saved. My confidence in the Lord kept me secure in his providence. I had now an opportunity to speak, and they were ready to hear. When we got into the ship, it seemed like a town ; such a vast variety of places like shops, were all around. We were met by Captain Burnet, who led us into a grand room ; the place designed for us was pointed out by a lady that attended us. Captain Burnet proposed a dance, and after that a cold collation. Now I felt indeed. Several of the company fell upon me, with, " Now, Miss Bosanquet, what will you do now ? You must dance ; you cannot run away." Knowing my help must come from above, I lifted up my heart to the Lord, and cried to him for help. Presently a messenger in haste called for Captain Burnet. He ran d'own, but soon returned, with great disappointment in his countenance, saying, " O what shall we do 1 The Prince of Wales and Admiral Ahson are coming on board." Never was any thing more welcome to me than this hurry of preparing for the prince our present king, one year older than I. My heart praised the Lord for this timely interposition. The cannon put aside the dance, and we at length talked of returning. We were let down into our little vessel, and I was truly thankful to be on the way home. But another trial soon occurred. Some of the com- ?ART I.] MRS. FLETCHER. 21 pany proposed going to Vauxhall ; this I refused. " Then," said they, "you must stay in the vessel with the men." I knew not what to do. As we drew near the part where our coaches were waiting for us, a strange disagreement took place between two of the. gentlemen ; one of them, my brother, rose up, and bid the man draw near to the steps ; he got out, and I followed him. The rest went on to Vauxhall. I was truly thankful when we got into the coach. This was the last attempt of this kind. But this peaceful frame did not last long. Some snares were presented before me, which dissipated my mind, and cooled the fervour of my affections. In this spirit I went to London in the winter. I was now about eighteen. As I had not yet had a clear conviction to throw aside dress, while in my father's house I continued in my appearance like the com- pany I conversed with, only I did not go with them to public diversions ; and this winter I began to gain favour in their eyea, and felt myself in great danger of being carried down the stream. But the thought alarmed my soul, and caused me to look about for help. I cried to the Lord to bring me acquainted with some of the excellent of the earth, that I might learn to walk in the narrow way which leads to life and glory, and into which I saw I was scarcely entered. One day I heard a con- versation concerning an extraordinary work among the Method- ists, that some of them spoke of such a change being wrought on their will and affections, that they found that word to be accomplished, " Old things are passed away, and all things are become new." The remembrance of that text, " Is any thing too hard for me?" came with fresh power to my soul; and some encouraging promises sprang up in my mind, and made me persevere in prayer. I told my serious friends, (who were not joined to the Methodists,) if they could procure me an hour's conversation with one of those pious women, I should esteem it a great favour ; for I longed to see any one who would tell me of a deeper religion than I had known. I saw myself surrounded with sncres, and often thought with tears on those words, "Sec where o'er desert wastes I err, And neither food nor feeder have, Nor fold, nor place of refuge n While no man cares my soul to save.' 1 At this time I became acquainted with a gentleman in some sense religious, though I fear not deeply so. He profesaeo much affection for me, and my religious /riends advised me to think of him, as it was likely to be very acceptable to my parents, and would open a door to more religious liberty. But I cannot say he was agreeable to me. Neither my under- standing nor affectidn could approve the proposal ; yet I waa 82 THE LIFE OF [PART I, hurt by unprofitable reasonings. Sometimes I thought it migh' be of the Lord ; at others, I could not see into it at all. While thus perplexed, I received a message from Miss Furley, (now Mrs. Downes,) that on such a day Mrs. Crosby would be at her house. I went to meet her in .the spirit of prayer and expectation. She simply related what God had done for he* aoul. The words she spoke were clothed with power, and my convictions of the necessity of holiness were much increased. The affair of the gentleman was obliterated from my mind ; and the prospect of a life wholly devoted to God drank up every other consideration. In a few hours I returned home to our country house on Epping Forest ; but such a sweet sense of God, the greatness of his love, and willingness to save to the uttermost, remained on my mind, that if I but thought on the word holiness, or of the adorable name of Jesus, my heart seemed to take fire in an instant ; and my desires were more intensely fixed on God than ever I had found them before. A few days after 1 wrote to Mrs. Crosby. The following is an extract : Forest House, May 17, 1757. " The Lord hath indeed been merciful above all I can ask or think. I am more drawn to prayer. I find a more earnest pursuit of holiness than ever ; but what most stirs me up is, I seem to hear the Lord calling to me in these words, ' Depart ye, depart ye, go ye out hence, touch not the unclean thing ; be clean, ye that bear the vessels of the Lord*.' " I now saw the path in which I ought to walk. I determined not to think about a married life, for my present light was to abide single. But the Lord seemed to call me to more activ- ity, insomuch that I cried out, " Lord, what wilt thou have me to do ?" I would be given up, both soul and body, to serve the members of Christ. My firm resolution was to be wholly given up to the church in any way that he pleased. I desired not to be idle, but employed as those described by St. Paul to Timothy, " If she have brought up children, if she have lodged strangers, if she have washed the saints' feet, and diligently followed after every good work." I can hardly express with what power these words would come to my mind. It seemed to me the Lord had planned out all my way ; and I only wished so to walk. The end of this summer brought me a great trial. My pa- rents were going to Scarborough. My mother offered to take me with them, if I would do as they did, and not bring a reproach on them in,a strange place. This seemed a reason- able request ; but I could not comply, for the spirit of the world was as contrary to that of Christ in Scarborough as in London. 1 requested to be left with my sister ; but it was appointed for me to spend most of my time at an uncle's in London. They I ?ART I.] MRS. FLETCHER. 23 were exceedingly kind, and let me have much liberty. I had never before had the opportunity of a constant attendance on the means of grace ; and I greatly feared abusing this talent. One of my acquaintance, being imprudent, pressed me never to be absent from any meeting, or preaching. By this means I am sensible I went too far. I walked about more than my strength could bear, having been scarce ever permitted to go out of our own grounds but in a carriage. But above all, I am pained when I think how little of Christian prudence appeared in my conduct. The kind family in which I was received could not but blame and condemn a conduct which, though the mo- tive was upright, was in itself sometimes wrong. During this season I cultivated an acquaintance for which I trust I shall for ever praise the Lord. It was with Mrs. Sarah Ryan, who (with a pious woman named Mary Clark) lived in a little house in Christopher-alley, Moorfields. They both pos- sessed the spirit of the primitive church in an eminent degree. A few of the most lively souls in the London society were fre- quently gathered'there. The more I saw of that family, the more I was convinced Christ had yet a pure church below ; and often, while in their company, I thought myself with the hundred and twenty that waited to be baptized by the Holy Spirit. It was at Mrs. Ryan's house that Mrs. Crosby board- ed ; and whenever I was from home, this was the place of my residence, and truly I found it to be a little Bethel. The more I conversed with Mrs. Ryan, the more I discover- ed of the glory of God breaking forth from within, and felt a strong attraction to consider her as the friend of my soul. I told her the past sins, follies, and mercies of my life, and re- ceived a similar account from her. The time now drew nigh for my parents' return, and I went home to receive them. While in London, I had used more exercise than my constitution could bear. My mother was much surprised when she saw me appear so ill, and laid it all to my religion. A fever came on rapidly, and I was ordered to go to bed ; but I could scarcely keep on my feet while I ascended the stairs. When I was laid in bed, 1/ow shall I de- scribe the posture of my mind 1 Distracted by the fever ; torn by fears and temptations ; and deprived of those friends, who at this time could have understood and comforted me ! The loss of Mrs. Lefevre now also returned on m/ mind with great pain. My dear parents were not aware ofjhe nature of my illness, which was, as the apothecary afterward told them, a strong nervous fever. They thought it all arose from some trouble of mind I would not own, and told me one day, if I did not rouse myself out of that low state, my head should be blis- tered, and I should be shut up in a dark room. My father being present, I said, " Will you put me in a mad house, papa?" he 24 THE LIFE OF fSART I. said, "No; but you must be shut up at home, if you do not strive against this lowness. The doctor says you have no pulse at all ; he never saw a patient so low." My mind became greatly depressed ; I could find no comfort of any kind, either from God or outward things. But the Lord graciously helped me in an extraordinary way. As I lay reflecting on my situation, and weeping before him on account of the darkness of my mind, I discerned an unusual brightness, (yet not dazzling,) and a voice came so powerfully, that I can only say, I heard and felt it with every faculty of soul and body, Thou shalt walk with me in white ! An an- swer seemed to come from my heart, independent of myself,* ".Lord, how can that be, seeing I am not worthy ?" It was spoken to me again, Thou shalt walk with me in white ; I will make thee worthy. This was followed by those words, I will thoroughly purge away thy 'dross, and take away alt thy tin! and 11 Glory is on earth begun, Everlasting life is won." To this day I have the most lively remembrance of that manifestation ; and in the darkest moments I have since passed through, I could never doubt its being the voice of the Lord. My illness was long, and attended with many trials. Before my recovery, Mrs. Ryan was removed from London to Bristol, to be housekeeper at the room there ; and much did I pray the Lord that we should be brought together again. ; I was now about nineteen years of age, and soon after, my parents having an intention to go to Bath for a season, pro- posed that I should spend that time at Bristol, as I was now thought to be consumptive. I gladly embraced the offer, as a merciful providence. I accordingly went to Bristol, where 1 remained seven weeks. Mrs. Downes (late Miss Furley) show- ed me much kindness. Indeed I was in some sense committed to her care b? my parents, who had for years been acquainted with her famuV. I spent much of my time with Mrs. Ryan and .Mrs. Clark, ai.d I trust in some degree partook of their spirit. After my return home, I clearly discovered that I still con- formed too muc.i in my appearance to the spirit and fashions of the world ; butl plainly saw a renunciation of that conformity would give my relations great offence. I loved my parents, and feared to disoblige them. I sought for arguments to quench that little spark of light which was kindling in my soul, con- scious they could not see in my light, and knowing that obedi- euce to parents was one of the first duties. I did so far quench * Who can account for this whole manifestation on common principles ? Te: what pious mind will not conclude, it wag help from the Lord in the time c/ necf7 ED. PART I.] MRS. FLETCHER. 25 it, that I put on again many of the things I had thrown off. My acquaintance took much notice of me, and I was so afraid of losing their good opinion, that I had no power to reprove sin, or even to refrain from joining in light or trifling conver- sation when in company. But I soon discerned the danger consequent on their approval, and therefore determined to weigh well what was most likely to please God, and by that to abide. I prayed for direction, and saw clearly that plainness of dress and behaviour best became a Christian, and that for the follow- ing reasons : First. The Apostle expressly forbids women professing godliness, to let their adorning be in apparel ; allowing them no other ornament than that of a meek and quiet spirit. Secondly. I saw the reasonableness of the command, and proved it good for a proud heart to wear the plain and modest livery of God's children. , Thirdly. It tended to open my mouth ; for when I appear- ed like the world, in Babylonish garments, I had its esteem, and knew not how to part with it. But when I showed, by my appearance, that I considered myself as a stranger and foreign- er, none can know (but by trying) what an influence it has on our whole conduct, and what a fence it is, to keep us from sinking into the spirit of the world. For there is no medium : they who are conformed to the fashions, customs, and maxims of the world, must embrace the spirit also, and they shall find the esteem they seek ; for the world will love its own. But let them remember also that word, The friendship of this world is enmity with God. Fourthly. I saw myself as a steward, who must render an account for every talent, and that it was my privilege to have the smiles of God on every moment of my time, or penny of money which f laid out. Fifthly. I saw clearly that the helping my fellow creatures in their need, was both more rational, and more pleasant, than spending my substance on superfluities ; and as I am com- manded to love my neighbour as myself, and to consider all done to the household of faith as done to Christ, surely I ought not only to suffer my superfluity to give way to their necessity, but also (as occasion may require) my necessities to their ex- tremities. Sixthly. But it is not only the talent of money, but of time, which is thrown away by conformity to the world, entangling us in a thousand little engagements, which a drees entirely plain cuts through at once. Seventhly. The end usually proposed by young persons in their dress, is such as a devout soul would abominate. A hea- then may say, It will promote my being comfortably settled ir. 3 26 THE LIFE OF [PART I. life ; but I believe the Lord appoints the bounds of our habita- tion, and that no good thing shall be withheld from those who walk uprightly. I have therefore nothing to do, but to commend myself to God, in holy obedience, and to leave every step of my life to be guided by his will. I will therefore make it my rule to be clean and neat, but in the plainest things, according to my station ; and whenever I thought on the subject, these words would pass through my mind with power, For so the holy women of old adorned themselves. As soon as I saw my way clearly, I ventured to open my mind to my father concerning dress, as I had done before with regard to public places ; entreating him to bear with me, while I endeavoured to show him my reasons for refusing to be con- formed to the customs, fashions, and maxims of the world. He heard me with great patience ; and as I loved him tenderly, it came very near me to oppose him. My trials increased daily. I was perplexed to know how far to conform, and how far to resist. I feared, on the one hand, disobedience to my parents, and on the other, disobedience to God. My dear mother had sometimes expressed a belief, that it would be better for the family if I were removed from it, lest my brothers, who were younger than I, should be infected by my sentiments and example. Yet she did not see it clear to bid me go ; but rather wished me to depart of my own accord. The furnace now became hot ; but I did not dare to come out without the Lord. Indeed, could there have been any amica- ble agreement between us, and that I had my parents' leave to live elsewhere, I would gladly have accepted it. I even made some distant proposals of this kind, but they never saw it good to concur. Providence thus overruled my desire for wise ends : and to run away from my father's house, I could not think of. I was twenty-one years of age, and had a small fortune of my own. I saw myself on the verge of a material change, and it was easy to discern that my father's house would not long be a refuge for me ; but in what manner I should be removed, or what trials I might yet have to go through, I could not tell. The continual language of my heart was, / am oppressed. Lord, undertake thou for -me. One day my father said to me : " There is a particular pro- mise which I require of you ; that is, that you will never, on any occasion, either now, or hereafter, attempt to make your brothers what you call a Christian." I answered, (looking to the Lord,) " I think, sir, I dare not consent to that." He replied, ' Then you force rne to put you out of my house." I answered, "Yes, sir, according to your views of things, I acknowledge it ; and, if I may hut have your approval, no situa- tion will be disagreeable." He replied, " There are many things in your present situation which must be, I should think , PART I.] MRS. FLETCHER. 27 c very uncomfortable." This I acknowledged, and added, that, if he would but say he approved of my removal, I would take a lodging which I had heard of at Mrs. Gold's, in Hoxton Square; but that no suffering could incline me to leave him, except by his free consent. He replied with some emotion, " I do not know that you ever disobliged me wilfully in your iife, but only in these fancies ; and my children shall always have a home in my house." As I could not but discern a sepa- ration would take place, (though I knew not how nor when,) I judged it most prudent to take the lodgings, that in case I should be suddenly removed, I might have a home to go to ; which I preferred to the going into any friend's house as a visiter. I also hired a sober girl, to be ready whenever I might want her. I informed my mother, a short time after, of the steps I had taken. She gave me two beds, one for myself, and a little one for my maid ; and appeared to converse on it in a way of approval. Something, however, seemed to hold us, on both sides, from bringing it to the point. For the next two months I suffered much ; my mind was exercised with many tender and painful feelings. One day my mother sent me word, " I must go home to my lodgings that night." I went down to dinner, but they said nothing on the subject ; and I could not begin it. The next day, as I was sit- ting in my room, I received again the same message. During dinner, however, nothing was spoken on the subject. When it was over, I knew not what to do. I was much distressed. 1 thought, if they go without saying any thing to me, I cannot go ; and if they should not invite me to come and see them again, how shall I bear it ? My mind was pressed down with sorrow by this suspense. Just aa they were going out, my mother said, " If you will, the coach, when it has set us down, may carry you home to your lodging." My father added, " And we shall be glad to see you to dinner next Tuesday." This was some relief. I remained silent. When the coach return- ed, I ordered my trunk into it ; and struggling with myself, took a kind of leave of each of the servants, as they stood in a row in tears, in my way out of the house. About eight o'clock I reached my lodging. It consisted of two rooms, as yet unfurnished. I had neither candle nor any convenience. The people of the house I had never seen before, only I knew them by character to be sober persons. I borrowed a table and a candlestick, and the win- dow seat served me as a chair. When bolting the door, I began to, muse on my present situation. I am, said I, but young only entered into my twenty-second year. I am cast out of my father's house. / know Ae heart of a stranger ; but, alas ! how much more of it may I v "* have to prove 1 I cried unto the Lord, and found a sweet calm over- 28 THE LIFE OF [PART I. spread my spirit. I could in a measure act faith on these words : " When thy father and thy mother forsake thee, the Lord shall take thee up." The following reflections also arose in my mind : I am now exposed to the world, and know not what snares may be gathering around me. I have a weak understanding, and but little grace. Therefore, now, before any snare has entangled me, I shall form a plan for my future con- duct, and endeavour to' walk thereby. First, I will not receive visits from single men, and in order to evade the trial more easily, I will not get acquainted with any ; I will, as much as possible, refrain from going into any company where they are. Secondly, I will endeavour to lay out my time by rule, that I may know each hour what is to be done : nevertheless, I will cheerfully submit to have these rules broken or overturned, whenever the providence of God thinks fit to do so. And third- ly, I will endeavour to fix my mind on the example of Jesus Christ, and to lead a mortified life ; remembering, " He came not to be ministered unto, but to minister." The prejudices of education are strong, especially in those persons who have been brought up rather in high life. The being removed from a parent's habitation seemed very awful. I looked on myself as being liable to a deep reproach, and trembled at the thought. But I remembered that word, " He that loveth father or mother more than me, is not worthy of me." My maid being now come, and having lighted a fire in the other room, and borrowed a few things of the family, she beg- ged me to come into it, as the night was very cold. And now my captivity seemed turning every moment. That thought, I am brought out of the world ; I have nothing to do but to be holy, both in body and spirit, filled me with consolation. Thankfulness overflowed my heart ; and such a spirit of peace and content poured into my soul, that all about me seemed a little heaven. Some bread, with rank salt butter, and water to drink, made me so comfortable a meal, that I could truly say, I ate my meat with gladness and singleness of heart. As the bed was not put up, I laid that night almost on the ground, and the windows having no shutters, and it being a bright moonlight night, the sweet solemnity thereof well agreed with the tranquillity of my spirit. I had now daily more and more cause for praise. I was acquainted with many of the excellent of the earth, and my delight was in them. Yet I was not without my cross ; for every time I went to see my dear parents, what I felt when, toward night, I rose up to go away, cannot well be imagined. Not that I wished to abide there ; but there was something in bidding farewell to those under whose roof I had always lived y that used to affect me much, though I saw the wise and gra . PART I.] MRS. FLETCHER. 29 cious hand of God in all ; and that he had by this means set me free for his own service. From my heart I thanked him as the gracious author, and them as the profitable instruments, of doing me so great a good. My mother was frequently giving ine little things ; and every renewed mark of kindness made the wound to bleed afresh. There was in the years sixty-one and sixty-two, a very great revival among the societies, both in London and many other places ; 'and an earnest desire was stirred up in many hearts after full salvation. Prayer was made without ceasing by the faithful, " That the glory of God might go forth as brightness ; and his salvation as a lamp that burneth." These prayers were answered in a very powerful manner. The Spirit was poured out on some in such a degree as can hardly be con- ceived, but by those who felt the Divine influence. Not only Mr. Wesley and Mr. Maxfield, were in an uncommon manner blessed in their preaching ; but many simple persons, both men and women, were lively harbingers of the approaching pente- cost, and cried aloud, The kingdom of heaven is at hand ! The mighty power of God was seen on every side ! Christ was held out as a complete Saviour ; and represented to the eye of faith, as crying out on this festal day, " If any man thirst, let him come unto me and drink ; he that believeth on me, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water." These rivers did, indeed, flow from heart to heart. The gift of victorious faith was given to many, not only for themselves but others. A clear light shone on these truths : " They that are in Christ are new creatures ; old things are passed away, and all things become new. The blood of Jesus Christ cleanseth from all sin." The whole soul, with every faculty, shall be so brought into subjection to Christ, as to feel, / live not, but Christ liveth in me .' Some portion of this river seemed now to reach me also. The means of grace were as marrow to my soul ; and often these words were applied : If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. But I could not believe so as to give up my whole heart to the Lord. I knew him mine, but other things had yet life in me, though not dominion over me. I was now assured the blessing of sanctification (or, in other words, a heart entirely renewed) could not be received but by simple naked faith ;* and my soul groaned out its desire in these words : "That mighty faith on me bestow, Which cannot ask in vain ; Which holds, and will not let tuee go, Till I my suit obtain." * By simple faith, I mean, taking God at his word without reasoning; and by. naked faith^ I mean, stripped of every other dependence but on Christ alone, 3* 30 THE LIFE OF [PART I, One day as a few of us were praying together at brother Gilford's, we were so drawn out, that we were, I think, four hours engaged, when I really thought we had not been above one ; and this was frequently the case with us. Another day as I was at a meeting for prayer at a friend's house, when he had continued some time, I seemed as if I had lost all. Deep discouragement seized my spirit ; but I wrestled on, and was in an agony to love God with all my heart. Brother Gil- ford was praying for me, when in a moment I felt a calmness overspread my spirit, and by faith I laid hold on Jesus, as my full Saviour. I said in my heart, Thy will be done ! Thy will be done ! and in that I felt my rest. In the same moment brother Gilford changed prayer into praise, telling the Lord he had heard and answered : he had set me at liberty, and now he would praise him. This surprised me, as I had not given the least sign, by either word or motion, of what I had felt within. He concluded his prayer with that act of praise. He asked me how I felt myself! I answered, I could not fully tell ; but that I found that the love of the will of God had brought an un- speakable peace into my soul : but that I did not feel joy ; only a rest in that thought, The Lord reignetk, and his will shall be done. As I was walking home, I found the presence of the Lord to be with me. He soemed to say, Round thee and beneath thee are spread the everlasting arms. I felt they were so, and my faith seemed to gather strength continually. Yet for some days I was much exercised with temptation, and continually accused, that I had thought, said, or done something amiss.* But after a little time I found a more solid rest ; and sensibly felt my will and affections were fixed on God, and most powerfully was I penetrated with these words : " Their daily delight shall be in his name, They shall, as their right, his righteousness claim; His righteousness wearing, and cleansed by his blood, Bold shall they appear in the presence of God !" One night I awaked with much of the presence of God, when those words were powerfully applied, Thou shall call thy walls Salvation, and thy gates Praise. That promise also dwelt on my mind, In returning and rest shall ye be saved ; in quietness and confidence shall be thy strength. I believe what I felt at this season was a low degree of pure love ; or what we call a clean heart. But though it was in a small degree, yet did it evidence itself by a mighty change. I had many temptations, and not much joy. Yet did I never feel any thing contrary to love ; and in the temptations with which I was attacked, I felt a great difference. Satan never attempted to draw my affections, neither to move me to anger, for there I could have answered him, Thou hast nothing in * A strong mark of the reality of the work. ED. PART I.] MRS. FLETCHER. 31 me ;* but I was followed with such a sense of sorrow as I cannot express. The fear of living to fall from grace, and sin against God, tore me at intervals, for some minutes, as one on a rack. Then a turn of the eye, by faith on Jesus, would make my enemies flee. Another cause of sorrow was, something I am at a loss to describe, but it seemed most exquisite feelings were opened in my soul, such as I never knew before. If I saw or heard of the consequences of sin, I was ready to die ! For instance, if in the street I saw a child ill used or slighted by the person who seemed to have the care of it, or a poor person sweating under an uncommonly heavy burden ; or if I saw a horse, or a dog, oppressed or wounded, it was more than I could bear. I seemed to groan and travail in birth, as it were, for the whole creation. Yet notwithstanding all these painful feelings, I had a solid peace. I always felt I committed my all to Jesus, and I lived on his faithfulness. As I observed before, anger seemed in my soul to know its place no more. Neither did I iind an attachment to any creature, or thing, but such as reflected from the will of God. Such a sense of purity dwelt on my soul, as I can hardly describe. I often felt the power of those words, Unto the pure, all things are pure. I some- times thought I should not care if my breast was as a window, and if every thought was without a covering to man as it was to God. A little degree of heavenly wisdom was also let down into my heart. Being fixed on a solid rock, I was not so easily shaken ; and those words were powerfully applied, " Thou shalt not be afraid for any evil tidings, for thy heart standeth fast, believing in the Lord." But above all, I felt such a sim- plicity, such a hanging on the Lord Jesus, that self seemed annihilated, and Jesus was my all. The nothing into which I felt myself sunk, and the great salvation I seemed to possess in Jesus, were such as I cannot explain. I used often to say, It appears to me that unbelief cannot find a place in my soul to set its foot upon. And indeed it could not ; for slavish fear seemed quite cast out. I could say, " I live not, but Christ liveth in me, and the life which I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God." I was truly nothing, and all my salvation came through faith in the Son of God. He was my soul's delight ; and I felt if I could have been saved any other way, I would not have accepted it. O how often was that word in my mouth and heart ! " Having done all, by faith I stand, And give the praise, O Lord, to thee; Thy holy arm, thy own right hand. Hath got thyself the victory. "t * His strength lay in applying the law to a conscience so tender. ED. t Who can deny this great salvation without denying the truth and power of God 7 But Oh ! how few seek it ! ED. 32 THE LIFE OF [PART r. All this time the Lord kept me, as to outward things^ like an infant in its mother's amis. I put in practice my first' resolu- tion, and had no other thought but of devoting myself to God in a single life : only I remember I sometimes thought, were I to be married to Mr. Fletcher,* would he not be rather a help, than a hinderance to my soul 1 But it was only a thought, and had arisen from what some friends said to me on the subject. As I desired to be the Lord's, and to spend all I had to his "[lory, I sometimes carried this desire too far, and did not allow myself quite what was needful. My exercises were greater than I had been used to, and I was seized with a complaint in my bowels. I thought if I had some spice boiled in water, and port wine with it, it would help me, but I was unwilling to get it. However my heavenly Father took care for that. He knows what we have need of before we ask ; for at that very time a relation called, and brought me a quantity of spice as a present ; and the very next day my father called in his chariot, and brought me a hamper of port wine, neither of them know- ing any thing of my wants ! I therefore received it as imme- diately from the Lord. And I could give a variety of instances of the same nature. It seemed I could hardly think of a thing, but it was brought to me. O how true is that promise, "What is given up for God, shall be restored manifold in this present life." Before the Lord made me to wander from my father's house, a particular person used to upbraid me with that reflec- tion, " You will soori find the difference between your father's . house and such poking holes as you will live in. There you will not have one inch but the common street : whereas you have beertnised to large and fine gardens, in which you much delighted. And how tired you will be of such trash as you pro- vide, instead of the plentiful provision of his table. Before you have lived so for six months, I will engage you will wish your- self back again, and your religion out of the way." But was it so 7 O Lord, thou knowest ! " Thou didst feed me as with the finest wheat flour, and with water out of the stony rock didst thou satisfy me." All I could want, all I could desire, was bountifully supplied. When I have sometimes been reflecting on my situation, inward and outward, I have remem- bered that, word, The meek shall inherit the earth. Glory be to thee, O Lord, thou hast meekened my spirit, and thou makest me to possess all things. Often I have said, in amazement, What can I fear ] I have no desire : the will of God swallows up all ! My Jesus and my all ! my Jesus and my all for ever ! * At that time Mr. Wesley's assistant in London. PART II.] MRS. FLETCHER. 33 PART THE SECOND. HER REMOVAL TO LAYTON8TONE. I EXPERIENCED daily more and more of the tender care of the Almighty ; and often felt these words with power : " No fondest parent's anxious breast Yearns like thy God's to make thee blest." Every want was supplied before I could ask it ; nay, many times before I was conscious of the want. My maid wae but dull and ignorant, though a good girl ; and I knew little more of the world than she did, having been used to so different a way of life. My health, and many concerns, needed a care I did not know how to take. But if at any time such an idea would offer to my mind, I checked it in a moment with that thought, I have the Gospel : I have freedom to serve God : 1 have spiritual blessings. What more can I need ? And truly 1 rather saw than felt my wants. Nevertheless, now and then 1 have said, Would not a steady faithful friend be a great ad- vantage to me"? One who could lead me into a deeper acquaint- ance with God ? But I sought it not : all my cares on him were cast, and in his will I found my resting place, and in quiet- ness and confidence was my strength. At this juncture I received a letter from Mrs. Ryan, inform- ing me she was coming up to London. She had left Bristol Room some time before, her health not permitting he'r to con- tinue in that place. She informed me she was settled in a lodging, but she saw it her duty to come up to London a few months for my sake ; " for I reap (said she) of your substance, and so do many ; but the Lord shows me that at present you suffer for the want of a friend, (referring to what I had written to her,) and I think he has ripened and confirmed that solid spark of friendship, which was so long ago kindled in our breasts toward each other. It seems to me as if the Lord had laid your burden on me, as he once committed the care of Mary to Joseph, and afterward to the favourite disciple." She concluded : <: Jesus, to thy preserving care, My choicest blessing I commend ; Receive, and on thy bosom bear The soul whom thou hast made my friend." I spread my friend's letter before the Lord, and praised him for laying my burden on the heart of one whom I knew to be a favourite of Heaven. I answered, that I should be very glau to see her. She had not been long at her sister's before she was seized with a violent disorder, which we thought would end in death. I visited her often, and with much profit. Mrs. M, 34 THE LIFE OF [PART il. being taken ill also, and only one servant to attend them both, I believed it my duty to be with her night and day ; and the Lord gave me such strength and ability for it, as I had never found before. I felt his peculiar smile on my employment, and those words which had formerly made such an impression on my mind, were now continually before me : " O that my Lord would count me meet To wash his dear disciples' feet : After my lowly Lord to go. And wait upon his saints Mow : Enjoy the grace to angels given, And serve the royal heirs of heaven." As she slept little, we conversed much ; and our hearts were united as David's and Jonathan's. The spirit of community which reigned in the church at Jerusalem, I felt a taste of; and from that time to her death, the cold words of mine and thine were never known between us. A circumstance which now occurred unexpectedly constrained her to remove. I took her home with me, but not till I had inquired of the Lord, well knowing how much the progress of the divine life depends on our private connections. Unless much caution is used between persons living together, they are often a great hinderance to each other. After a time the Lord was pleased to restore her to health ; and having one heart, one mind, and one purse, we agreed that one habitation also would be most profitable. The Lord had given us to feel that union which even death itself could not dissolve. I have often thought on those words of Solomon, " A faithful friend is the medicine of life ; and he that fears the Lord shall find him." Some however objected : " Your income is 'as yet but small ; you wish to be useful ; why then did you not choose, as a friend, one who had some fortune to unite with your own, and that might have enlarged your sphere." I answered, I did not choose at all. I stood still, saw, and fol- lowed the order of God. And if my means had been enlarged in money > and lessened in grace, what should I have gained by that 1 I acknowledge I neither gained honour, gold, nor indulg- ence to the flesh, by uniting myself to a sickly persecuted saint ; but I gained such a spiritual helper as I shall eternally praise God for. Many are the advocates of friendship. Many will say, with Dr. Young, " Poor is the friendless master of a world. A world in purchase for a friend is gain." But they refuse the sacrifice demanded by that friendship, and forget the following lines : " But for whom blossoms this elysian flower'! Can gold gain friendship'! Impudence of hope ! As well mere man an angel might beget PART II.] MRS. FLETCHER. 36 Love, and love only, is the iv. n for love. Delusive pride repress, Nor hope to find a friend, but who hath found A friend in thee." We continued together at Hoxton some time. When 1 was about twenty-three, the people of Laytonstone were much laid on my mind. I had both my birth and maintenance from that place, and I could not help thinking I owed something to their souls. Yet I saw the way very difficult. My parents permit- ted me to be often with them, and seemed pretty well recon- ciled to my manner of life, while at a distance. But how, thought I, will it appear in their eyes, to bring the preachers they so much object to, within a mile of their house ? I thought I should not now be called to offend them any farther. Cannot the Lord, if he sees good, send the Gospel to those people some other way ? Thus I put it from my mind again and again ; yet a strange love for those souls in that place would spring up in my heart ; and when I said, Lord, send by whom thou wilt send, but not by me ! those words again presented themselves, " He that loveth father or mother more than me, is not worthy of me." About this time a house of my own at Laytonstone became untenanted. My friend as well as myself saw many reasons for our removing to that place. We prayed much about it, and I asked the Lord to show us clearly his will ; and at length felt from the Lord, first, a liberty to believe, that if my father did absolutely forbid my coming, I was not required to do it. Se- condly, I knew God did not require impossibilities : I had not yet an income sufficient for living ia that place. I asked, there- fore, as a farther mark, the settling an affair, which kept me out of part of my fortune, occasioned by a flaw in the making- of my grandmother's will I had taken some pains about this affair before, but to no purpose. However, I slightly mention- ed it again, and it was settled directly. Then I made known to my father my thought about living at Laytonstone. I used no deception ; but told him plainly the end I proposed in so doing, my mother being present. He made not the least ob- jection, only added with a smile, " If a mob should pull your house about your ears, I cannot hinder them." We waited before the Lord, believing it was his call, and held ourselves in readiness for immediate obedience. One night I dreamed 1 was in one of my houses there, in company with all kinds of people, rich and poor, mbst of whom appeared very ungodly. It was strongly impressed on my mind to speak to them, but 1 started from the thought, md said, with emotion, I/ord, what do I here among this people ; for they are not thy people, and what am I to do with them ? I then beheld the Lord Jesus eland as just before me. The awful majesty of his presence 36 THE LIFE OF [PART II. had such an effect on me a I cannot express ! It seemed to me I sunk down before him as if I were sweetly melting into nothing. I saw no shining brightness, or any thing dazzling to the eye. He appeared only as a man clothed in white ; yet to my mind there was what I cannot put into words. It was a sense of his purity ! It was the glory of holiness which so overcame me ! There seemed but about one yard distance be- tween my Saviour and me when he spake with a voice clear and distinct these words : " I will send thee to a people that are not a people, and I will go with thee. Bring them unto me, for I will lay my hand upon them and heal them. Fear not, only believe !" I When the immediate presence of my Lord was withdrawn, I thought that I repeated with tears to the people, what he had spoken to me. Many mocked and derided ; but a few express- ed a desire of being separated from the others to hear the word. I endeavoured to find a place to meet them in, and in order to do so, I was constrained to walk over a piece of building, where the floor did not seem thicker than a wafer. When I had pass- ed it, I looked back, and said, Not a splinter has given way under my feet. Turning my face toward the lane, I saw a funeral, and awaked with that word powerfully applied, The mouth of the Lord hath spoken it. I found myself in a sweet delightful peace. Soul and body seemed all attracted into a divine harmony. When sufficiently come to myself to speak, I told sister Ryan, (who slept with me,) all that had passed. She replied : " This night, both sleeping and waking, I have been much occupied with these words : / will go before you, and humble the great ones of the earth." This was in the year sixty-three. On March the 34th, the same year, we removed to Laytonstone. From the first hour we found much of the presence of God ; and stood still to see his salvation. In order to supply the want of public means, (which we could not have but when \ve went to London,) we agreed to spend an hour every night together in spiritual read- ing and prayer. A poor woman, with whom I had formerly talked, came to ask if she might come in when we made prayer ? We told her, at seven every Thursday night she should be wel- come. She soon brought two or three more, and they others, till in a short time our little company increased to twenty-five. One night, just before the time of meeting, a poor woman call- ed with a basket of cakes to sell. On our refusing to buy any, she stood still a long time at the gate. We began to converse with her about her soul, when she expressed a great desire to stay to the meeting ; and in so doing was so greatly blessed, that she would fain have left us part of her goods in return. We now thought it would be well to converse with each in par- ticular, and that the time was come for it. Some few were PART II.] MRS. FLETCHER. 37 offended, and came no more ; but most appeared under convic- tion, and those we appointed to meet on Tuesday night, re- serving the Thursday for the public meeting, which still kept increasing, and in which we read a chapter, and sometimes spoke from it. The first time we met on Tuesday night two were set at liberty. We now thought it expedient to apply to Mr. Wes- ley for a preacher. He approved our plan, and sent Mr. Murlin the next Sunday ; and within a fortnight we had twenty-five Coined in society. Much opposition now arose from all sides, (though more from the rich than the poor,) and one Thursday night, as I was speaking to a pretty large company in my own kitchen, the bell at the fore gate was rung very hard. Our servant, who was a pious woman, went to see who was there. In the meantime, four shabby looking men, with great sticks in their hands, came in at the back door, and so into the kitchen. The servant soon returned with some emotion, and whispered me : " It is Mr. W. who is come to inform you, you must if you please break off, for here is a great mob coming ; and the ringleaders are four men with clubs." Turning to the people, I answered her aloud, " O, we do not mind mobs, when we are about our Master's business." Greater is he that is for us, than all that can be against us. I then went on till I had concluded my subject. Having a .few of the rules of the society which I intended to disperse that night, 1 addressed myself rirst to the four men, who stood before me, explaining what they were, and asked if they would choose to accept one 1 They received them with a respectful bow, and went out. Who they were, and what was their purpose, I know not to this day. We heard no more of the mob. At this time the hand of the Lord was much with us, supporting and comforting us under every trial. There was only my friend Ryan, myself, the maid, and Sally Lawrence, a child about four years old, whom I had just before taken from the side of her mother's coffin into our house On one side it was open to the forest, and I know not that one of the awakened people lived within a mile of us. We were as on a desert alone ; but the Lord was with us, and preserved us beneath his love's almighty .shade. The enemy came, how- ever, to the length of his chain. Sometimes on Sundays, when the nights were dark, after the society meeting, a mob used to collect at the gate, and throw dirt at the people as they went out ; and when they were gone, they used to come into the yard, break some trifles they found there, and putting up their faces to a window which had no shutters, roar and howl like wild beasts. And now another dispensation was opening before us. From the time I was seventeen, some drawing toward the care of children had dwelt on my mind. I felt the same desire now as 4 38 THE LIFE OF [PART II. at that time, to become in every sense a servant to the church. Those words were still with me : " If she have lodged strang- ers : if she have brought up children ; if she have relieved the afflicted ; and diligently followed after every good work." Yet I was truly sensible no work was good but as being done in the will and order of God. \Ve therefore entreated the Lord to discover to us all his sacred will from day to day, and not suf- fer us in any degree to err therefrom. Various leadings of Providence, both inward and outward, drew us to think of the rising generation with more than com- mon tenderness. Our abilities were small ; yet perhaps a few children we could educate, without interrupting the order of God in our call toward the grown people. We determined, however, to take none but destitute orphans, that no one might interrupt our plan of education. We were not unconscious, that to change the heart belongs to God, but at the same time we remembered, there was a blessing promised to " the train- ing up a child in the way it should go," and that a degree of knowledge, with a capacity of getting their bread in an honest way, has, under God, rescued many from destruction. Some such objects now presented themselves, and we received them, one after another, in the name of the Lord. We however re- fused many, taking only those concerning whom there appear- ed a particular call of Providence. For a good while, our family consisted of one servant, six orphans, and ourselves ; but we found it took up too much of our time to have the whole care of them alone ; especially as my friend Ryan was often confined by illness. We therefore took a pious young woman, named Ann Tripp, who desired to devote herself to God, in a closer walk than the generality of believers. She was placed as governess over the children, whose number continued to increase. Some serious women also were added to our household, and each had their duties and employments assigned them. In the whole we received thirty-five children, and thirty-four grown persons, but not all at one time. We now found work enough on our hands, and wished to ,free ourselves from all needless cares. As well, therefore, to answer that end, as to avoid conformity to the world, we thought 5t best to have but one dress. We fixed on a dark purple cot- ton, of which we had many pieces stamped ; and ourselves with the whole family wore nothing else. We had a large hall, and in it a table five yards long, at which we ate together. There also we assembled for morning and evening devotion, and on several other occasions. But in general, the children were in the nursery, and the other sisters in, their own apartments. When my family began thus to increase, I must acknow- ledge, it was by no means proportionate to my income, but it PART I!.] MRS. FLETCHER. 39 appeared to me I had a peculiar call from the Lord to take the steps I did ; and we began with a degree of the same spirit which is expressed in a book entitled, "The Footsteps of Divine Providence ;" giving an account of the orphan house at Halle, in Germany, raised by Professor Francke. This plan I would advise none to follow, unless they felt what I did ; for certainly justice goes before charity ; and there is very seldom a real call from God to give more than we have. But it must be observed, though my income was inadequate to the undertaking, I had a considerable capital. So that I was not at present in danger of debt. The risk I ran was, of spend- ing my capital, and being left without a maintenance. But the Lord seemed to assure me I should not thus be deserted, and that by many and various ways. We now set ourselves to inquire of the Lord, how we should train up these children to his glory : and a few out of many reflections which occurred to my mind, I will endeavour to set down. But I must observe, first, as most of our children were naked, full of vermin, and some afflicted with distempers, the first thing was to clean and clothe them, and attend to their health ; which usually was followed with much success. At the same time, we endeavoured to bring them to an outward conformity of manners to the rules of the house, and to some courtesy of behaviour. This was not difficult, as a child natu- rally falls in with what it sees in others. The second attempt was, to fix on their minds that we had no motives in receiving them into our house, but that of love ; love to their souls and bodies. We wished to save their bodies from misery, and their souls from eternal destruction. With respect to the strangers, we endeavoured to lead them to a view of the love of God, observing it was his love \yhich caused ours. He put it into our heart, be brought them in our way, and from his hand came their every blessing. That the end of the Lord in bringing them into our house, was to learn that great truth, that they should never die. Their bodies must die, and rest in the grave ; but they themselves would be for ever alive, and hear, see, think, and know ; feel pleasure, or pain, and that for ever. We inculcated that the end of their learning this lesson was to make them happy, and prevent their being miserable, since in a very short space of time they must enter into the one or the other state, and that to all eternity. We continually impressed on the minds of the children, that the only way to bt< happy was to be like God ; to love what he loved, and to hate what lie hated ; but that was not their pre- sent state. They were now like the devil, and loved what he ioved. If they were injured, they loved to revenge, and could hardly forget the offence any one offered them. When ingry, they would cry and sob, and be almost choked ; but when did 40 THE LIFE OF [PART II. they find themselves so affected in thinking about thf Lrrd Jesus ? Did his love and sufferings come again and agaii, to their mind, so that they could not forget them 1 And when did they cry and sob, because they had sinned against so good a God? It was plain, therefore, they were as yet the devil's children, and their minds and affections obeyed him only. We therefore declared, that whenever we saw these marks of the devil's power on their hearts, we would tell them of it ; but if they would still obey him rather than God, we would then add unto our words correction ; making them feel pain, that the impression might be strong, and more lasting ; and that they must never resent nor resist those corrections, for it was more painful for us to give, than it could be for them to receive them. But seeing it was for their profit, and our duty to do it, they must take each correction not only with patience, but thank- fulness ; for we should make it a point of conscience, never to correct, or even to contradict them, but with consideration and prayer, having always that lesson before our eyes, " That mercy I to others show, That mercy show tome." Nor were these observations altogether without fruit ; for I do not remember one child I ever had, that if we ordered her to receive correction by the rod, (which was not often,) would not lie down in silence as a lamb, and afterward, yea, immediately after, come and kiss us. We observed, that all our instructions would avail them nothing, unless their hearts were changed ; and that none but Jesus Christ could do that ; but he was ready and willing, and assuredly would do it, if they cried to him for it. From the above hints, various occasions presented to point out the nature of salvation through Christ alone, and the ne- cessity of a renewed nature, in order to be capable of the enjoyment of heaven. One day, a little beggar girl, whom, we had taken in about a. week before, showed some of the vicious dispositions which had been nursed up in her by evil company. On repetition, she received correction. When the children were alone, (as they thought,) she began to complain of her hard fate, saying, " If they love us, why do they whip us 1" A little one about six years old replied, " Why, it is because they love us, and it is to make us remember what a sad thing sin is ; and God would be angry with them if they did not do so. Do you not remem- ber the chapter my mistress read about Eli !" Indeed I had various proofs that it is not so hard a thing to convince the judgment of children as some may think ; and a right judgment, is a good step toward right affections. As we-mtended them to work for their bread, either as serv- ants or in little trades, we endeavoured as early as possible ts PART II.] MRS. FLETCHER. 41 iriire them to labour, early rising, and cleanliness. The eldest of the children arose between four and five, the younger not much later. At half an hour after six we had family prayer. At sgven, we breakfasted together on herb tea, or milk por- ridge. The small children then went into the garden till eight. At eight the bell rang for school, which continued till twelve. Then, after a few minutes spent in prayer, they came down to us ; at which time we either walked out with them, or, if the weather did not permit, we found them sonre employment in the house, endeavouring at the same time to give them both instruction and recreation. We invented various employments for those hours, in order to remove the appearance of idleness, as from the first we endeavoured to impress that lesson on their minds : " An idle person is the devil's cushion, on which he rolls ajt pleasure." Likewise, that in the choice of their em- ployments, they should always prefer those that were most useful, and be always able to render a reason for every thing they did. At one we dined ; about two the bell rang again for school, and at five they returned to us, and were employed as before till supper time. Then, after family prayer, they were washed, and put to bed by eight. 'Four or five of the bigger girls were each week kept out of the school by turns, and employ- ed in housework, cooking, &c, that they might be accustomed to every sort of business ; and there was work enough in so large a family. Several of the children were very young, though I do not remember we had any under two years, except one of about a month old, which was laid, very neatly dressed, one night late at our door ; but it lived only a fortnight, being full of humours, too probably derived from its parents. We now found a great need of wisdom and patience. We had, I think, never more than ten grown persons in the family :it one time, who were not invalids ; nor do I ever remember above five or six altogether in health. The children, also, for i li first few years, laboured under various disorders ; for we d'd not refuse either old or young on account of being sick and helpless : in the end all recovered who came in infirm. We .sometimes had much to do, for the care of the sick, the ma- 'nt of eighteen or twenty children, with various meetings, and the needful attention to the work of God in a new raised society ; with the reception of the number of strangers who visited us on spiritual accounts, occasioned those of us, who had the work of God at heart, a good deal of labour and suffering. Various reproaches now began to roll upon us. It was reported that we intended to bring up these children for nuns ; that we were too rigid and exact to our own rules. Jj>ome objected, it is all carnal wisdom ; you cannot change their . mid education will only make them more guilty .before Others, that we were idle and buried ourselves alive, 4* 42 THE LIFE OF [PART U. because we did not live at London. But the reproach that came the nearest to me was this, She talks of the poverty of the holy Jesus, (alluding to a little book I had printed,) let us see her work at a trade as he did, and that would make her fortune go farther. Would any one with such a capital live only on the interest, when by trade they might double it every year ? Several came and talked with me on the subject ; say- ing, If you do not go into some business, you will be brought to the parish in your old age. I replied, I understand no busi- ness ; and I fear to lose what I have, instead of increasing it. They replied again, Then ask light of them who do under- stand it. Take some partner ; let such have the care, and you find the money. I was wearied with letters and disputes on this head. However, I laid it before the Lord ; and felt I was willing, if it would glorify him, to sweep the kennels. It may seem strange why any thus interfered in our affairs ; but our undertaking was new, and quite out of the common way. This drew all sorts of company, of various sects and denomi- nations. Some loved me, and wished to bring me over to what they thought the better way. Others were moved by curiosity ; some by the love of dispute, "others by interest, offering their assistance ; and some, perhaps, by that spirit which the seed of the serpent will always manifest. But another, and perhaps the chief reason was, I believe, the order of a wise and gracious Providence. I was called to walk wholly by faith ; indeed it appeared a strange call, and, humanly speaking, could end no way but in a prison. I was therefore permitted to have every kind of discouragement, and to be brought into many and deep perplexities, that the faithfulness of God might shine more con- spicuous, as will be seen in the sequel. But to return to the children. When actual sin was com- mitted at any time, (minor faults were generally overlooked,) it was set down on paper by sister Tripp, and presented in a meeting held every Friday at twelve o'clock. The whole family were called together at that time, and after praying for the light and presence of the Lord, we entered into a consulta- tion how to prevent a relapse into the same crime ; and that the displeasure of the Almighty might be removed, we always endeavoured to make our reasons appear clear before we either acquitted or condemned. Very frequently there appeared a spirit of repentance, so that the exhortation was followed by forgiveness. We then spent some time together in a family meeting, of which I will speak more particularly in another place. One day a sweet little child, about seven years old, (who I hope at this time both fears and loves God,) had stolen some- thing. We consulted what must be done to prevent a repetition of her sin. At these times we always adapted our converea- PART II.] MRS. FLETCHER. 43 tion to the capacity of the little criminal. One said, I have read in the Bible, that the offending member ought to be cut oft; and cast away. This gave rise to several useful reflec- tions ; after which we agreed there were but three ways, either to cut off the offender from the family, or to pray to God to bring her to repentance, or leave her in her sins. After some conversation with her, the second was agreed on ; and we joined in prayer that the Lord would graciously interpose and save her. The meeting being that day in the evening instead of the usual time, as soon as it was over, they were sent up to be washed in order to go to bed. (This was on June the 7th, 1764.) Betty Lawrence, about eleven years old, had been much affected while we were talking to H. O., the child above mentioned. She had shown some concern a few days before, when I was speaking of the spirituality of the commandments. The children being alone, and not knowing they were overheard, Betty said, " Let us pray for Hannah's soul!"- She then prayed in a very affecting manner. After- ward, one about eight years old pleaded much for the forgive- ness of Hannah's sin ; but added, Lord, do not let us think so much about her sin as to forget our own. Lord, do not let us laugh and trifle, and talk of foolish things as soon as we rise off our knees ; but make us Christians. Another then thanked God for their good corrections and teachings, and said, If we are not Christians, we shall be more punished than others. After some time sister Tripp went in to see them to bed ; but first went to prayer with them for a few minutes. The spirit of conviction now fell on Betty Lawrence in an extraordinary manner. We came up, and found her in a great agony ; she was the very picture of terror. The veins of her neck were as if they would burst. She wrung her hands, and cried with a bitter cry, O my sins ! O my sins ! I believe more than a hun- dred times. She then broke out into such a confession of her original corruption and actual sins as quite amazed us ; adding, Oh ! I have never done any thing to please thee in all my life. I have broken all thy laws ; I have not kept thy command- ments ; Lord, I have kept the devil's commandments ! May such a wretch come to thee, Lord ? Wilt thou receive me, Lord 1 Wilt thou pardon me 1 Wilt thou make me a Christian 1 Tell me, Lord, shall I go to heaven or hell 1 Tell me, Lord, shall I go to heaven or hell "! Wilt thou make me a Christian ? Wilt thou pardon all my sins 1 She then paused awhile, her eyes fixed upward, and her face as in a flame ; then added, but with a softer, voice, Yes, he will, he will ! But wilt thou, Lord * Yes, thou wilt, thou wilt ! Mr. Dornford being that night with us, gave out a hymn ; she now seemed quite calm The horror which before appeared on her countenance was gone, and had left a sweet smile. After remaining some time in this posture, 44 THE LIFE OF [PART II. she said, Jesus is smiling upon me ! She afterward told us, she had a view as of Christ upon the cross, smiling upon her, and saying, "I have pardoned all your sins, and if you pray, I will give you abundant love." She then broke out, Oh ! what a sweet Saviour lie is ! He hath forgiven me all my sins ! All, all, Lord ! Thou hast, thou wilt forgive them. But, O Lord, let them be perfectly forgiven. But shall I ever sin again ? Shall I ever sin again 1 Oh ! do not let me sin again ! Oh ! what a sweet Saviour thou art ! What sweet love is thine ! Oh ! more such love as thine ! more such love as thine ! But do not let me sin again ! Fill me with love that I may not sin again ! We were the more surprised at this, because she was a child of a remarkably dull apprehension, and had no liberty in expressing herself on any subject. But striking as the scene was, (far more so than I can describe,) it was nothing to the change that followed. She was naturally of a very bad tem- per, but now it might indeed, be said, ". Love made her willing feet In swift obedience move." So great was the change, in both understanding and will, as plainly declared the hand that had wrought it. The Lord was pleased at this season to give his word success, both among the people who attended the preaching, and in the family. But our house was too strait, and needed some en- largement, and a good deal of repairs. It therefore occurred to my mind, as we had so many visitants, to take another step, and put up a poor's box, like Professor Francke, in Germany. But I found some difficulty. I thought my relations will object to it ; and, in short, I found it more easy to give than to receive. But I saw the order of God in the plan, and that was enough. Accordingly, we put it up in the hall, with this inscription, " For the maintenance of a few poor orphans, that they may be brought up in the fear of the Lord." Difficulties now began to gather as clouds about us. Workmen must be paid ; a family far too large for my income to support ; with a variety of expenses in carrying on the work, assisting their poverty, &c. One day it was suggested, Surely I am wrong ; God will not appear for me in this undertaking. I told my mind to, some friends, who said, "This is the very thing we always saw ; you will find in the end it is all a delusion. In two or three years you will turn out all these people and chil- dren to the wide world ; and in your old age you will be with- out the necessaries of life." I heard them with attention, and only replied, " If it be a delusion, I meant well, believing it to be the will of God." I carried it to the Lord in prayer, when the following thought s were impressed on my mind : If Christ was now upon earth, and in' want of food and raiment, should I be afraid to give him PART II.] MRS. FLETCHER. 45 mine, for fear of wanting it myself? Should I not rather say, Let all I have be brought out as a sacrifice to my Lord ; he is well able to repay me ; and if he do not see it best to do so, then let us suffer together. I saw the case with the poor was the same, (as far as he had called me to help them,) and that my Lord had said, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto them, ye have done it unto me ! Here a light broke into my mind, which quite satisfied me, and dispeUed every cloud. I cried out, " Lord, thy will is enough ! Thou hast bid me love my neighbour as myself; be it so. Their wants be mine ; my substance theirs." Rising from my knees, I took up the Bible, when opening on Job, chap, xxii, verse 23, I found from that verse to the end of the chapter, several parts come as a mes- sage from Heaven. " If thou return to the Almighty, thou shalt be built up, thou shall put away iniquity far from thy tabernacles. Then shalt thou lay up gold as the dust, and the gold of Ophir as the stones of the brook. Yea, the Almighty shall be thy defence, and thou shalt have plenty of silver. Thou shalt decree a thing, and it shall be established unto thee ; and the light shall shine on thy path." These words were wrote as with a diamond pen upon my heart ; and in all my trials I could never give up the confidence I then received, that I should one day see them accomplished. Sister Ryan one day said to me, " We shall have such a sum to pay on Saturday night. Had we not better borrow it of such a friend, till your half year comes in V We attempted so to do, but were disappointed. Being on my knees at prayer, I opened a book before me on the table, and cast my eyes on. these words, " Christ charges himself with all your temporal affairs, while you charge yourself with those which relate to iiis glory." I closed my eyes, and continued praying ; when to the eye of my mind, it seemed as if the Lord Jesus stood just by me, and spoke again those words to my heart, with such a power as wiped away every care. Before I got off my knees, I was called down to speak to a man, who asked for me ; and who, through a providence too long to repeat, brought me just the sum I wanted. The box began now to be helpful to us ; and this year, in the midst of our great expenses, an uncle gave me two hundred and fifty guineas. Once, on opening the box, we found a guinea wrapt up in a letter ; its contents were as follows : " MY DEAR CHILD, With much pleasure I have heard of your charitable undertaking, which I pray God to bless and to succeed. Be never discouraged, though Divine providence should exercise you at times, even with many great and alarm- ing difficulties ; for this is frequently the way in which God leads his children, in order to prove their faith and patience. But even suoposing he should not succeed this affair, accord- 46 THE LIFE OF [PART II. ing- to your present plan, yet he will never fail to bless those who sincerely endeavour to promote his honour, the kingdom of the Lord Jesue, and the good of souls. I desire you will accept the enclosed, and that you would set me down an annual contributor of the same sum. May the Lord Jesus Christ be with all of us ! Forget us not in your prayers. " I am, with respect and regard, " Your very affectionate friend, "V. P." In another paper was a guinea enclosed, with these words : *' I have felt your burden, and should be thankful you had more help. But perhaps it is the will of God concerning you, to give you day by day your daily bread. I pray him to be with you." Indeed we daily experienced many mercies. We had a household as a flock of sheep. Sometimes when we were sitting down to table, that word would come sweetly to our minds : " Part of his family are we, His family of love." But above all other temporal goods, I saw the blessing of my friend Ryan.,, It would have been impossible for me to have acted this part alone ; I had neither grace nor ability for it ; but the Lord gave her to me as a mother. In all the active part of this undertaking, she was the main spring. It is true, the light in forming the plans was given to me ; but had it not been for her resolution and diligence, they would never have been brought into execution. Notwithstanding her ill health, it is amazing what she went through, both in overlooking and working with her own hands. She was truly devoted to God ; and though I saw her at that time as a most precious gift of Heaven to me, I was not sufficiently sensible of her inesti- mable worth. About this time a young lady, with whom I had been acquainted, came to board with us. After residing about half a year, she had a great desire to make a new will, in order to leave me a large stun of money ; and asked me to recommend a lawyer to do it, as we then intended to visit Bath. I told her, I could not see it right that she should do so, as she was at a distance from her relations ; had not sufficiently proved us ; and might afterward change her mind. But my strongest Objection was, she had told me that in her present will she had left the bulk of her estate (which was large) to charitable Uses ; ftnd I had no desire to monopolize the riches of another^since my gracious Lord had given me a ready mind to part with ali that was my own. She had two children under her care, whom she desired should be brought into our house ; we accordingly raqeived them. Several other expenses we entered into on her PART II.] MRS. FLETCHER. 47 account ; and she wrote a codicil to her will, leaving me two thousand pounds, adding, if she lived to return to her father the following spring, she should do much more. I freely consented to the codicil, as I then thought it but reasonable, my expenses on her account being considerable. But in October, 1766, she grew suddenly very ill, and her death seemed near. The codi- .::! then lay much on odr minds. I thought God's cause may be rwf cached through this ; and what is two thousand pounds, or two Ijundretl thousand, when compared to the honour of my God? Had it been done unknown to me, I should not have .scrupled it. But as I had consented, I thought it would not bo right to let it stand. * Sister Ryan thought the same. We therefore prevail? on her to let us burn it. She was very unwilling, s%ing, " Had I lived to have made my will, I should have given you much more^for I know God is with you." She had beA somq| years awakened, and joined to the Methodist society. After she had found the love of God, she walked in the way of self-denial and devotedness to God, ac- cording to 4>er clferest light, for some time ; and was in many things a^triking pattern. Hhe then sunk into a state of con- flict, God revealing the inbred sin of her heart ; and her spirit bang oppressed ht a constant bodily disorder, (supposed to be a polypus in the heart,) she often lost her shield, and was ready to think she had ireyer had any work of God on her soul. About four months befSre her death, Satan assaulted her with many temptations. Sister Ryan advised her to take one hour every day for prayer, whether she should- feel power attend her words or not ; adding, My seul for yours, if you persevere, you shall shortly s^P the salvation of God. She received the word as from the Lord, and began the work in good earnest, but to her own feeling she grew darker and darker. Nevertheless we could discern a change. She grew more open, and told us of some snares which beset her, and which she had even thought of giving way iB, adding, sho saw herself worse and worse, till she was taken with her last illness, which continued but three days. Hr soul seemed then very dark, and greatly did she lament the loss of that assurance she had formerly enjoyed. Yet she was not without hope ; but still cried out, "" O that I had but lived closer to God ! I spe I have not used my privi- leges as, I ought. O what a work have I now to do ! O it is . 'trk to do in sickness, it is bad work to do in sick:: Sister Ryan said, " My dear, I have no doubt biK that God wi^I finish his work." " O," replied she, "but I cannot bdi< I do not believe it for myself. O sister Ryan, I have thought in my heart, If I had taken a certain step, to have kid the blame on you ; for I thought, as you are so much under reproach among the halt-hearted, I should be more readiiy m that constant act of faith. I had admitted cares and fears,^and by insensible degrees I was sunk again into my own wjll, and the strivings of evil tempers. Indeed, there was a confidence, a degree of union with God, which I never totally losfegieither did his fear depart out of my heart ; yet I had inwardly 0parted from that pure love which I possessed. I had left off to delight myself in God, as heretofore, and accepted of many other things * Was this painful state, heaviness through manifold temptations, (I Peter i, 6,) or a real departure from the Lord 7 I believe some things that follow, will incline the serious reader to conclude it was the former. ED. PART II.] MRS. FLETCHER. 53 in his place ; so that my trials were greater than I can well describe. One day as I was attending my sick friend, almost incon- solable, she said, " My dear, 1 hardly know how to rejoice in the prospect of death, because I see no way for you. I shall leave you in the hands of enemies, but God will stand by you." I said, " My dear love, can you think of any way for me ? It is sometimes presented to my mind, that I should be called to marry Mr. Fletcher."* She replied, " I like him the best of any man, if ever you do take that step. But unless he should be of a very tender disposition toward you, you would not be happy : but God will direct you." It pleased God, however, in a measure to remove her disorder again ; so that for some months she was enabled to act as a leader and a helper among us. We were now pretty well settled ; our meetings were quiet and comfortable ; the number of hearers increased, and some of our little flock were gone triumphantly to glory. My income being now larger, I thought a more easy path lay before me ; and I found much attachment to the place. Yet we were sickly, and the house was too small for such a family as ours. We had no land to it, (mine being all let oft' before to the other house,) and not having cows, such a number of children occa- sioned much inconvenience. Frequently I was advised to remove into some part of Yorkshire, and take a farm ; that other- wise it was impossible to bring up the children to every branch of needful business ; and that my income would go as far again in such a situation. I must here observe, though my income was increased, it was still not equal to our expenses, which were great on many accounts : I had also undertaken, in union with the young lady before mentioned, some charitable affairs, which now all fell on me, and many of them I could not throw off for some years. The box did not yield us as much by half as in the first year ; for like the manna in the wilderness, which ceased when the Israelites got corn, so that provision, which * The pious readep will not be displeased to see that such an impression was made on such a mind, .preceding the union of that admirable couple. The impression was mutual. In a letter from Mr. Fletcher to Mr. Charles Wesley, (see Mr. Fletcher's Works, vol. vii,) we find the following sentiments: "You ask mft a very singular question, 1 sliitll answer it with a smile, as I supposed you asked it. You might have remarked, that for some days before I set off for Madsley, I considered matrimony witli a ditFerent eye to what I had done ; and the person, who then presented herself to my imagination was Miss Bosanquet. HIT image Jprsued me for some hours the last day, and that so warmly, that I should, perhaps, have lost my peace, if a suspicion of the truth of Juvenal's proverb, Veniunt a dote sigfcte, (The arrows come from the portion, rather than from the lady.) had'not made me blush, fi-jht, and flee to Jesus, who delivered me at the same moment from her image, and tlie ide^of marriage." There will be some regret, perhaps, felt, that a long and suffering time should intervene before that . union. But it was all ordered for the good of both, for an*eternal union, -Jor Hit marriage of the Lamb ! ED. 5* 54 THE LIFE OF [PART If. had been exceedingly useful to us, seemed now to be suspended. Yet I felt very averse to the thought of business ; I feared the armour I had not proved, and thought I should perhaps lose the little maintenance I had, rather than gain more. One day, my friend being a little better, and all things at that time pretty comfortable, my own heart being also drawn with an unusual sweetness toward the Lord, I was walking in the garden, when looking round me, it appeared as a paradise. I thought how sweet is my situation ! I dwell among my own people, a few who love me, and whom I love. The family is getting more and more as I could wish ; and as to our circum- stances, I can freely trust my God farther than I can see, so that all my care on him is cast, and here I hope to end my days. Immediately a thought presented itself,* But suppose God should call you from this place ; and there should be yet some bitter cups for you to drink 1 I started at the thought ; but said, Give me power to say, Thy will be done. About this time Richard Taylor came from Yorkshire, beiMg driven from thence by misfortunes. He left a wife and young family, and came to London in hopes of settling with his creditors. Sister Crosby (who was now a member of my family) had known him in Yorkshire, and Mr. Dornford and Mr. Murlin recommended him to me, and proposed his staying for a time at our house. He seemed (and I believe he then was) a devoted man. We were much interested in his behalf. When we sa| down to dinner, the thought that his wife and children were in trouble and distress, would often so overwhelm him, he could not take a morsel. He appeared a man of prayer, and one of the excellent of the earth. Various circumstances occurred which seemed plainly to call us to seek another habitation, and Yorkshire was the place most likely. Yet such a call did not seem desirable to me. ' My reason se.emed-to point that way; my inclination was to' remain where I then was. One morning, however, as I was reading in my turn to the family, I came to these words, " Come out from thy kindred and thy country, and come into land whicn I/will show thee." I felt myself penetrated with resignation, I felt my strong attachment to the place, as being the plate of my' birth, quite removed, and I seemed free to follow .the Wading of the Spirit of God to any corner of the earth. f My friend and I began seriously to consider whether *pur work was not done at Laytonstone : whether. affei^pfodiAg about five years at this place, we were' noj V>w jdjBd^'.to another spot. A physician had told us, if tjierc ^re Myhopes of sister Ryan's recovery, it would be by * journej ciha 'bad % '-"v* 1 * Itis by no means clear that this vas froip fte Lortlr^-EEj,^. i * t Whether thierleading was really of the Spirit of Gg4 or. ovW to him made her more than conqueror *+&* - "** * ' PART II.] MRS. FLETCHER. 55 unexpectedly recovered at Bath before, and it might be so again. At this time she was very bad. I objected however to the moving her in so weak a condition ; to which she answered, " If the Lord see fit to spare me, probably that is to be the means of raising me up ; and if he has otherwise determined, I should be glad to see you settled first ; for if you are left without me here, I think you will have great difficulty, from several circum- stances ; and probably such an exchange of place and situation would put it in your power to alter and remove those difficulties." My relations and Christian friends seemed all to approve, and we believed our way was plain for taking a journey to Leeds, and some adjacent places, in order to judge better whether they were suitable, and whether we could meet with a habitation that would answer our great family. Accordingly, on June the seventh, 1768, 1 set out with my friend Ryan, and sister Crosby. Brother Taylor, who was now to return home, accompanied us on horseback.* It may be * All those who have read with pious interest, the beginning and progress of the house of God at Laytonstone, must regret its dissolution. Had it been favoured with any successors of the same spirit, we might rejoice that those who had, as the salt of the earth, been the savour of life to that people, were about to season other places. But that was not the case. There were no such successors ; and it is by no means clear, that there was such a call of Divine providence, as was sufficient to justify these chosen instruments in departing from a place so divinely visited, and in dissolving an establishment so owned of the Lord. Mr. Wesley's sentiments concerning that establishment, are very decisive. In his Journal (see his Works, vol. iv,) he says, "Thursday, December 12, 1765, 1 rode over to Laytonstone, and found one truly Christian family. This is what that at Kingswood should be, and would, if it had such governors." Again, (i Thurs- day, February 12, 1767, I preached at Laytonstone. Oh what a house of God is here ! Not only for decency and order, but for the life and power of religion. 1 am afraid there avc very few such to be found in all the king's dominions." Ought not the call to be clear, and even imperative, that led to the dissolution ot soch a house'! We have indeed heard the blessed woman wh<} was at the head of it, observing with grief, '"We had increased our establishment with some whose spirit did not suit our house, so that jars and a divided interest arose. 1 ' And could she think the devil had fallen asleep, or that he would not take the old way, that he would not sow tares among the wheatl Such persons should have i.-.issed, after all long-suffering had been manifested. We should add tu { our loving faith, courage, knowing for whom we are to act. As this way, it spans, wpsnot taken, we r;iun. t wonder that the leaven should win its way, and cloud pyerspread the once illuminated mansion. In such a dork day, it is no IKS and fi'.-trs" should assault her devoted heart, so that she liZrdly knerv her own state, and had almost given up her confidence. A in'w ' open, of which Mr. Taylor was the harbinger, a way BO entangled ::>, that there seemed, at length, hardly any hope of deliver- anc^ tin t/iestord knuireth how to deliver the godly out of temptation: and "Darkly safe with God, thy soul FJjs -arm still onward bears', ,. Till through each tempest, on the whole, j!f 3^gea*.diviiie appears!" his'Way Isaac did when he found a well, for which they did not strive/' He said, " The Lord hath made room for us in the land." < So,'' added he, ' may you say : for had you waited a dozen years, you might not have met with such an opportunity.'* I objected, " that I did not understand it, and that perhaps Jt would sink instead of increasing my income." He replied, " Richard Taylor knows well how to manage it, if you do not ; and I have no doubt that it will clear you a hundred and fifty pounds a year, which will be good interest for your money." I now remembered the reflection cast on me at Laytonstone. viz " If she wants to do good with he/ fortune, let her take up ^ little trade. 9He talks of the poverty of Jesus ; let us see her work at a trade as he did.". That thought had much weight with me. I prayed for light, and took the place ; bought thd PART III.] MRS. FLETCHER. 59 estate, formed the plan for the house, and set about it. The first mark of the favour of God was, we had some of our work people converted, so that before half the house was built we had a good class. The desire after purity of heart was much revived among the neighbouring societies ; and Ifound in many ways there was a wider field opened for doing good than I had ever before experienced. I had some among the members of my family also, who were very helpful in the work of God. By settling on a new plan, I found it more easy to draw things into my own hand. I removed some, and put others into their proper place. The building I found no cheaper than in the south, or but little so : it cost a good deal more than at first proposed. The farm took a great deal to stock, and bring into order ; and as most of my capital lay in an estate, (or in that sum my dear father on his death bed so lamented that he had tied up from me,) I had not sufficient for all the expenses, with the purchase of the freehold ; and was obliged to take up money on interest, which I hoped to pay off at fifty pounds per year. The malt kilns seemed to answer well, and cleared the first year fifty pounds, above all expenses. Our call was a good deal abroad in the work of God, and we had encouragement therein. A few (and at that time but a few) in that part had a desire after holiness. Some years before this, sister Crosby had spent a little time in Yorkshire. She told them what a wonderful work of sanctification God was car- rying on in London. Many were affected with her words, and two or three in this place retained the light and power then given to them. These we agreed to meet once a fortnight ; and unite our cry to the Lord, that he would pour out a spirit of conviction on his people, and that the neighbouring societies might be stirred up to seek for purity of heart. We had not met many times before the answer came ; one and another begged to join in our Wednesday night meetings, and our num- ber increased to about fifty, all of whom were ardently desiring, or sweetly brought into that liberty. When we grew too numerous, (for they began to come from many miles round,) I advised those who were able, to gather a meeting of the same kind, near their own homes. This was attended with many blessings. We sometimes visited those infant meetings, and they increased and spread as well as ours. It must be observed, none were admitted as members into our meeting, but those who were truly awakened to seek for holiness, as before they had been to seek for pardon. Others, if we judged them sincere, were sometimes occasionally admitted : but we were very care- ful whornwe considered as fixed members. TO these I had a separate nst ; and about once a quarter met them apart from the others. I felt myself led to enforce on them some particular 60 THE LIFE OF PART III. observations, which they frequently asked me to set down on paper. I did, therefore, set them down as follows : As you have expressed a desire that I would give you on paper the few observations I have sometimes made on Wednesday nights, I will endeavour so to do, as far as I can recollect. And if my dear Lord is pleased to help you through so weak an instrument, he shall have the more abundant praise. First, I would recommend you to be very careful whom you admit into your meeting. Consider no one as member thereof who is not steadily seeking after Christian perfection : that is. a heart simplified by love divine, and kept each moment, by faith, from the pollution of sin. Whosoever agrees not with you on this point, will greatly interrupt your design. Secondly, See that you fix on your minds, We come toge- ther to get our faith increased ; and expect as much that our souls should be refreshed by our meeting, as we do our bodies to be refreshed by our food. Come with a lively expectation ; and that your expectation may not be cut off", keep your spirit all the time in continual prayer ; united prayer can never go unan- swered. Mr. Fletcher, on this head, has a lively observation : ' When many believing hearts," says he, " are lifted up, and wrestle in prayer together, we may compare them to many hands xvhich work a large pump ; at such times particularly the fount- ains of the great deep are broken up, the windows of heaven are opened, and rivers of living water flow from the hearts of obe- dient believers." Thirdly, Bear with each other's mistakes or infirmities in love. Consider the members as if they were your own children. How much will a man bear with in his own son that serveth him 1 A threefold cord cannot be easily broken. Satan will leave no stone unturned to disunite you ; but Oh, remember the cha- racteristic of the evangelical dispensation is, " The love that turns the other cheek ; The love inviolably meek, Which bears, but conquers all." Fourthly, Be well aware of that deadly poison, so frequent among professors, I mean evil speaking. It will cover itself under a thousand forms ; and, alas ! how many sincere hearts swallow this gilded bait before they know what they are about. Never repeat the fault of an absent person, unless it be abso- lutely needful In particular, speak not evil of dignitiefe ; neither of our king, on whose account we have the greatest reason to be thankful ; nor yet of any in authority under him. Neither those whom God hath set over us as spiritual teaAers. If any of these do not speak just as we could have wished, never rget that orfcmay have his gift after this manner, another after that. The exhortation not so immediately useful to your state, may nevertheless be put into their mouth at that time, for PART HI.] MRS. FLETCHER. 61 another person then present. Knowt>, unto God are all hit ways ; and as he hath said, A cup of cold water given to a prophet, shall not be forgotten, how pleasiifg will it be in his sight, if by faith and prayer we hold up the hands of his praying (servants. Fifthly, Hold fast the truth in a pure conscience. Let not one spark of your light be put out. Though all your teachers, bre- thren, friends, yea, the whole church, were to turn against the truth, let nothing make you forget, The blood of Jesus cleanseth from all sin; and that he keeps that soul for ever clean, who day and night hangs on him by simple faith. Sixthly, Be always ready to give an account to those that ask you a reason of the hope that is in you. In order to this, let us pray for clear ideas of what we seek, and what we possess. Bear in mind, that to perfect holiness in the fear of the Lord, is no more than you have already promised : First, By your sponsors in baptism ; secondly, In your own person, when you made those vows your own by confirmation ; and, thirdly, When- ever you renew that covenant by coming to the Lord's table. " You have engaged to renounce the devil and all his works, the pomps and vanities of this wicked world, and all the sinful lusts of the flesh; to believe all the articles of the Christian faith; to keep God's holy will and commandments, and to walk in the same all the days of your life." And is not this vowing to per- fect holiness in the fear of God ? Does the first part of this sacred engagement, To renounce the devil and all his works, leave any room for the least agreement with the devil, the world, or the flesh ? Does the second, To believe all the articles of the Christian faith, make the least allowance for one doubt with, respect to any one article of the Christian faith ? Or, does the third allow the wilful breach of any one of God's command- ments ? Again, Do we not all profess to believe it to be our duty, to love Godwith all our heart, and our neighbour as ourselves? Weigh the depth of those two expressions. Do they not imply, love made perfect, or, in other words, Christian perfection ? Seventhly, Remember that eaying of Solomon, The wise man's eyes are in his head. Let your eye of faith be steadily fixed on your living Head, deeply conscious of that word, " Having done all, by faith I stand, And give the praise, O Lord, to thee !" * A holy man makes this observation : " Persevering believers are little omnipotents." Abide then every moment in the living vise, from whom you constantly draw your life, as the coal its heat from the fire ; it was all black, cold, and filthy, before it was :. impregnated with the fire that kindled it ; but if by any accident it fall therefrom, the shining perfection which it had acquired, gradually wears away, and it becomes a filthy cinder, the black 6 62 THE LIFE OF [PART III. emblem of an apostate. So true is that saying of our Lord, Without me ye can do nothing. Eighthly, Consider yourselves as united by a holy covenant to God and to each other ; aiming to advance the glory of God all you possibly can. " Ye for Christ your Master stand Lights in a benighted land." Beware then that your light become not darkness ; let no one be discouraged from seeking Christian holiness, by any thing they see in your life and conversation. We must become a whole burnt sacrifice. The soldier enlisted under the banner of his king, may neither leave his post, nor choose his employ- ment. We have covenanted to be the Lord's ; and may not draw back one power, no, nor one thought, from his service. Be it then engraven on our hearts, as with a diamond pen, " Thy vows, O God, are upon me : I have opened my mouth unto the Lord, and cannot go back." Glory be to God, it might be said of Cross Hall, (the name of our present habitation,) many a soul has been born in her, and many sweet seasons did we know with the Lord ; and I do at this day declare, I shall ever adore the wisdom of God in bringing me down to settle in Yorkshire. It was good for the work of God. It was good for my own soul ;* but for a season it did not appear good for my temporal affairs. I had not been seven years there, before I saw myself brought into great per- plexity, from circumstances I shall by and by relate. But whatever occurred, I must ever praise the Lord, that his provi- dence brought me there. I had a continual presentiment my troubles were for an appointed time ; and that in the end de- liverance would be given from every difficulty. I found my mind much united to brother and sister Taylor. I strove to remove their burdens, and went in person to their creditors. After meeting with some opposition, I got their affairs settled, at the expense of between two and three hun- dred pounds.. After the death of sister Ryan, my soul had many risings and sinkings. Sometime 1 seemed to lose my way, and knew not where or what I was. For about two years, I sunk into fear, care, self-indulgence, and many wanderings. Yet my aim was toward the Loro, who, after that season, began again io renew in me a tender conscience, and as my outward sorrows increas- ed, so my inward light and power began to revive. It was soon after that time that we began the meeting above mentioned, ai ft. * Nothing could prevent Inch a devoted person from bearing fruit unto God. In answer to the prayer of faith, He opens rivers in the high places, and stream* in the desert. Mr. Wesley, speaking of her settlement in Yorkshire, observes, (see his Works, volume iv,) "Saturday, July 7th, 1770, I rode to Miss Bosan- quet's. Her family is still a pattern, and a general blessing to the country.- 1 - Kr . PART III.] MRS. FLETCHER. 63 near as I can remember, though I have not set down the exact date thereof; by my diary it appears to be about a year after my soul began again to walk by faith. These meetings were to me a singular blessing. They cost me many a wrestling prayer, and when the iiights approached when we were to meet, Oh ! the sinking into nothing before God my spirit used to feel '. Of all the meetings I ever was employed in while in Yorkshire, 1 know not I ever felt my soul so conscious of the Lord's approval as in these. I must acknowledge it occasioned both expense and labour. Frequently I had many beds to make up, and many friends and their horses to entertain. But I saw it such an honour to be (as I sometimes expressed it) the Lord's innkeeper, that I could feel nothing but satisfaction therein. Those words were often applied with great sweetness, The birds of the air shall rest under thy branches. I now found a fresh conviction of the necessity of Divine help, that I might go in and out before my family, in such a manner as would lead them into the most excellent way ; and when any thiug particular rested on my mind, I usually set it down in the way of diary. On looking over old papers, I find the following remarks ; but am not quite clear as to the dates : " This day I have been solemnly renewing my covenant with the Lord, and considering over our family rules, fasts, and meetings. I have been praying for fresh vigour and resolution in the use thereof ; and while reading this morning the vision of Samuel concerning Eli, I was led to inquire how far it was my own case. Lord, thou hast made me the head of this fami- ly. Do I bear the sword in vain ? Show me, Lord, what I can do to help them, considered one by one, and how I may help to put away, in each, whatever would offend. The thoughts which flowed into nty mind were as follows : " First, Love is the end of the commandment. If I would wish to be such a head as God approves, I must have no spring of action but love. Yet when we have many tempers to suit ourselves to, all their burdens to bear, and their every want to supply, (even in narrow circumstances,) nature is apt to grow weary. It is very easy to give our neighbour what we can spare, but to pinch ourselves, and even to run the risk of debts and distress for their sakes, makes the work far more hard. How thea shall I get and keep that spirit of love to eacli which is needful for my fulfilling toward them the place of a mother ? or, iasome sense, to be a pillar in God's house, who is appoint- ed to bear the weight of the whole building 1 "I will call over each member^Wmy mind with solemn prayer, and search out every perfection of every kind ; every trace of the image of God which I oan discern in each, and enter them on paper; adding thereto every fresh discovery, 64 THE LIFE OF [PART III. and then to each name affix a plan, denoting what is the best method of helping that person's infirmities, and strengthening their virtues. If I do not thus study the tempers and disposi- tion of my family, how unlike will my carriage be to that of^ my heavenly Father toward me. I am also much convinced of the necessity of being exact in early rising, both for the good of iny own soul, and that of my family ; and as I am now bet- ter, I trust to be able to execute my purpose. I shall also meet the family at stated times, for an hour, in order to inquire if brotherly love continues. And to remove all hinderances there- to, I will at those times observe, " My design in having a family is to bring honour to God. If that end be not answered, I am disappointed, and the Spirit of God is grieved with those who hinder it. " But in order to this, it is needful to be aware of Satan's devices, who will be always endeavouring to throw in some- thing to wound love ; and among a large family, where there .is a multiplicity of business, perplexities will arise, which some- times have a tendency to break, or at least to interrupt, that sweet harmony of love, by which the church below is rendered a shadow of that above. " To prevent this must be my constant labour. I believe you all love me ; and I am, my heavenly Father knows, united to every one of you. But that will not do, unless you are united among yourselves. I would therefore inquire of each, one by O110 1 ; " First, Do you find want of love to any one here ? If you answer yes, give your reason, and it shall be searched to the bottom, though it be in myself. " Secondly, Is there any conduct of any member which you think might be mended 1 " Thirdly, We are to live only to and for God. You all can bear me witness, what we save, is saved for the poor, and the work ' >f God. Now, can any of you point out wherein we can save more 1 This is to be done in little things : for instance, suppose twenty of you had each a candle to use, and each per- : son were to run it into the fire, and waste a tenth part of the whole, that would be two candles lost per night. - If each fire, (we will say ten,) burn one pennyworth of coals per day more than is needful, there are five shillings and tenpence per week lost ; enough to make two poor people, who love and serve the' Lord, comfortable. The same may be said of every thing we eat, drink, wear, or make use of. Savingness gives a constant and profitable use of the^Hpss ; as well as administers, by those small acts of self-denia^t6-the necessities of our brethren. If we are thirty in family, besides many strangers, suppose every one by frugality to save (every thing being put together) but two pence per day, what a large sum will that make- br tte; PART III.] MRS. FLETCHER. 65 whole year, nearly a hundred pounds ! and how many of the saints of God may be fed and clothed therewith 1 " Fourthly, Time is a most invaluable talent ; and there is scarcely an hour but we may save some minutes, by doing every thing as to the Lord, that is, in the best manner we are able. It is a true saying, a thing once well done is twice done. For instance, if you sew a seam carelessly, it will soon want doing over again. If you clean any thing by halves, it will want a repetition almost directly. If linen is badly got up, and not of a good colour, it will not wear half the time. Consequently, the next wash will be larger, will require more time, more soap, more fire, &c. If you teach the children by halves, they will need so many more lessons, and be so much the longer before they are useful at home, or fit to go out ; so that the desire of saving time calls for the most diligent application in every thing. But in order truly to buy up this precious talent, there is a necessity of walking as in the constant presence of God. By that recollection, we shall cut offuseless words and thoughts, which are the Banker worms that eat up our time. " Fifthly, The power of speech is a great talent. It is an instrument of much good, or much evil. The tongue is a little member, yet how much good or evil is it capable of kindling ! A little spark may be the beginning of a flame powerful enough to destroy a whole city ; and one wrong word may draw on another, until the tongue, ' which is a world of iniquity, may set on fire all the members, being itself set on fire of hell.' On the other hand, in a large family, how useful may that member be ! While it possesses the honour of being God's advocate, and watches every moment for an opportunity to call in the minds of those around you to a colser attention to God. The right use of the tongue is of the utmost consequence, (especial- ly in a religious comftunity,) and worthy our strictest and most earnest endeavours ; since the Apostle says, ' He that offend- eth not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body.' " The next Friday, after this family meeting, I proposed as a fast, at twelve we were to meet for one hour, chiefly for ear- nest prayer. At these seasons I frequently found much of the presence and approval of God, and I believe they were blessed to many of the family. To return to my outward situation. When I had been a few years in Cross Hall, I had many trials of faith and patience. Sometimes I was all fears ; and at others, I had a lively confi- dence in that word, Stand to my will, and thou shall suffer no detriment, which was applied to me just before the period of sister Ryan's death. Various circumstances now agitated my mind ; and frequent ]f with- groans and tears have I said before the Lord, " Oh ! 6* gg THE LIFE OF [PART III. that I could meet with a friend as divinely enlightened, and as faithful as the one I have lost. It would be worth going over red hot bars of iron to procure." But though I knew some of the excellent of the earth, yea, and had some of them under my own roof, yet friendship is so immediately the gift of God, we cannot form it when we will. There must be a similitude of mind, a something which God alone can give, and which he at this time was pleased to withhold from me, perhaps that I might learn to depend on himself alone. The point in which I was peculiarly sensible of the loss of Jtny friend, was in the character of a counsellor. I wanted to know and do the will of God. I feared I was wrong in my present situation, because things did not answer ;.. and yet I did not know which way to mend them. But I have always found the best way is to stand still ; for I have learned by experience, that when we have no light how to get out of our troubles, and no way seems to open, the present duty is resignation. We have only to follow Pro- vidence from day to day, making it our one business to persevere in a constant sense of the presence of God, ajad to lie before his feet as poor beggars, waiting for his direction. Some time before this, a circumstance happened, which though to appearance trifling, proved in the end very material. A gentleman, who about two years before lost a wife he ten- derly loved, on hearing of me, and the close union which had subsisted between me and Mrs. Ryan, permitted a thought to dwell on ! his mind, that perhaps I was brought to Yorkshire by the providence of God to repair his loss. One day as I was returning from a little journey where I had been to meet some people, we called at an inn to bait the horse. Mr. * * * was standing at a window of that inn. I came out and stood some time at the block waiting for my horse. A thought struck his mind, " I should like that wolhan for a wife ;" but instantly he corrected it with that reflection, I know not whether , she be a converted or an unconverted person ; a married or a single woman. Just then Mr. Taylor came up with the horse. The gentleman knew him, and corning out to speak to him, was much struck to find it was I. But as there was not any thing striking to me in the occurrence, I had quite forgotten it, till he recalled it to my remembrance some yca-rs after. As I was very free in making known my fears, lest my new undertaking should not answer, some friends have often said ' to me, " Why do not you consult Mr. * * * 1 He is the only man for business in the country ; and having heard of your situation, he wishes to give Mr. Taylor some advice." Not long after a friend brought him to our house. I did not know at that tinje whether he were married or single. We soon fell into conver- sation about the farm. He gave me some directions, and inter- ested himself much in my affairs. 1 frequently applied to him PART III.] MRS. FLETCHER. in difficult occurrences, and he became, in the common accepta- tion of the word, a familiar friend. My perplexities now increased. The farm had sunk a very large sum to bring it into order, and the kilns took much money to work them, a great deal of which lay scattered up and down in debts owing to me from lesser maltsters. I applied not only to Mr. * * *, but to some other sensible men. They looked over all, and said I was too much afraid : in a year or two things would turn round. That I had had a farm to make ; but it wfts now in such order, it would soon pay all again. This gave me some satisfaction, but did not on the whole remove my fears. I also saw Mr. Taylor went too>far ; that he was inclined to venture much ; that he kept too many men ; and gave a greal deal too much credit. This answered Mr. ***'s design. By these things he was inclined to think God was constraining me to accept the offer, which by this time he had made me, of his hand, his heart, and his purse. His affections were strong, sincere, and constant ; his offers generous, and his sentiments tender. He loved my family ; and whoever was kind to me, found favour in his eyes. This could not but operate on my gratitude. I was deeply pained. But I could not see him the man my highest reason chose to obey. First, ! did not so honour the light he had in religion, as to believe it my privilege to be ledthereby. Secondly, Though he was a good man, and helpful to people yi every respect,' yet he did not see the narrow path of walking close with God, as I could wish the man I took for a husband to do. Thirdly, Though I had a grateful love toward him, I could not find that satisfying affection which flows from per- fect confidence ; and which is the very spirit and soul of marriage. I felt, however, in the keenest manner the need I had of his assistance in my affairs ; but I thought it ungenerous to the last degree to accept of help and counsel from one whose growing affection I was too sensible of, but to which, however, .1 could make no return. I used the plainest terms in assuring him of the impossibility of our affection ever becoming reciprocal ; and proposed the breaking off all acquaintance. He alleged in answer, "You cannot do without me. You will be ruined ; God hath made me your helper ; and if you cannot see and fee] as I do, we will be only common friends. I will say no morf on a subject so disagreeable to you." I lessened my family all I could, by putting out some of tie bigger children to trades, or servants' places ; but much expense attended it. Mr. Taylor also had several children while wth me, so that the family still consisted of twenty-five persons. T-li majority, however, were grown persons. But losses 3till continually came on ; and my first seven years in Yorkshire 68 THE LIFE OF [PART HI. being fleariy expired, I found an absolute need of some change, since in all this time things grew not better, but worse, I consulted Mr. * * * and other friends about my situation, but *mostwre for some farther exertion in trade. That I knew would not do. Others said, "Turn off all those members of your family, and you have enough to live on alone, with a servant or two." No way, however, opened for them, and several were old, sickly, or helpless. I could not therefore see $bow that*could be done, and if ever I thought on it, mountains of difficulty arose before me. Something seemed to whisper, a way shall be made quite plain; yet I saw it my duty to do every thing in my power. I therefor* consulted Mr. * * *, who knew my whole affairs as no other person did. He salft, " There is but one way for you ; put the farm into Mr. Taylor's hand, entirely separate from yourself. Let him have the stock just as it is, and work the kilns as he can raise money. Let him pay you sixty pounds per year, and take his family to the end of tlie house. I verily believe he will live weh 1 , and lay up money ; and I will overlook all, and appraise every thing once a year." I did so. Mr. *** took great pains, and Richard Taylor paid regularly. But as he was to have it free of debt, I found, a good deal to pay which he had not brought to account ; so that before all was settled, I had money again to take up on interest, which was no small affliction to me ; and could I have sold the, place, I would have chosen it rather. . We went on tolerably for three years. Mr. * * * thought the farm increased in heart. The stock also improved, and all was cheerful, except in my mind, which foreboded deeper waters. This was soon realized. In the beginning of the fourth year, Taylor was in debt to the amount of six hundred pounds. This was what I all along feared ; but I thought, I am not obliged to pay his debt ; let him break, and bear his own burden. Mr. * * * at first thought the same ; but soon we saw, either I must give up the stogk, (which would be sold for half its value,) or pay the money. Besides, I was now informed, that when he ceased to act as my agent, I ought to have advertised it, that no one might trust him through confidence in me. But this (being unused to business) I did not know. I deeply felt for the appearance it would have to my relations. I had before, with their knowledge, taken up money on the Laytonstone estate, and my brothers were very kind, and ordered all my affairs in the south to the best advantage. I did mt therefore see it just or prudent to hide any thing from them. I vrote to my eldest brother a full account of the whole ; but cotld not see, at that time, how I could pay ; nor was I quite clear it was required of me. Taylor's wife, now big with child, wrirging her hands, entreated me, in mercy to her, not to let her iusband go to prison ; and indeed she was clear PART III.] MRS. FLETCHER. 69 for all along she had been afflicted with the fear of what was now come upon them. I knew not what to do : above all, the honour of religion was dear to me ; aad it was too evident, without an appearance of dishonesty, I could not take back the stock, though really my own, and leave the debts unpaid. Besides, many of the persons were poor, and would be greatly hurt by the loss. We had also at this time a lively work ; for whatsoever else did not prosper by going into Yorkshire, the work of God did. Being at length determined on the payment, the next difficulty witffewhere to raise the money. I had now taken back all my aflws out of Taylor's hands, but was inca- pable of managing the business myself, nor could I get the place disposed of. Mr. * * * then offered to lend me the six hundred pounds on interest, and to become a partner with me in the farm and kilns, so as to take the management of all. Here I was quite at a loss. I was almost ready to say, " Dark- ness hath covered my path." Prudence, delicacy, every lively sentiment, started back at the thought. What ! come under such an obligation to the man I am constantly refusing ! Be- sides, such a fresh connection will open the door to many trials. But there was no alternative ; I must accept his help or be ruined. I therefore followed what appeared to be the leadings of Providence. A little before this, I had a drawing in my mind to go for six months to Bath, Bristol, and the parts adjacent, believing it to be the order of God ; and I was not sorry for an excuse to gel two bundrca miles from poor Mr.***. One night, conversing with a friend on the difficulties of my situation, he said, " I cannot approve of your proceedings ; I fear you light against Providence. Here are several doors open before you. If you object to Mr. ***, why do not you accept of some other of those good men, whom the Lord seems to have cast in your way ? You stand stiffly in the choice of a single life, and it seems to me, God fights against you in so doing. The end will be ruin. You will be brought to a prison, and all the reproach will be qist on religion. If you build on the for- mer promise I have heard you mention, That the Almighty shall be your defence, and you shall have plenty of silver, I account you .no better than an enthusiast. Have you not waited long enough ? You hoped for deliverance at the end of the first seven years ; but four are elapsed since, and if you wait till the end of the next seven, you will be no nearer. " Though his words did not convince my judgment, they pained my heart. Nothing was to me more dreadful than 'the thought of getting out of God's order. I carried my case to the Lord, and striving to divest my soul of every prejudice, I offered up myself to God, that he might accomplish all his will upon me, pleading before him, " Show me thy way, and I will walk in I 70 THE LIFE OP [PART III. it." But the more I prayed, the clearer the light seemed to shiue^ on my present path ; and the only answer I could obtain was, Stand still and see my salvation. Being one day at prayer about my situation, I thought, per- haps I shall sink lower still. Though Mr. * * * believes he shall make much of the "business, he may be mistaken ; and should I lose more than my estate at Laytonstone, and this place also will pay, then I shall have debts I cannot answer ; and while there is but a bare possibility of that, shall I eat and drink as if it was my own ? Ah ! no ; let me JBier. live on bread 'and water. I have no right, except' mer^y to sustain life, till I receive from God some answer, or afee, by sound reason, that all will be paid. I began to do so that very day ! But the fol- lowing night, I had a most particular time before the Lord ! He - snWed me, (by a light on my understanding) that all my trials were appointed by himself; that they were laid on by weight and measure, and should go no farther than they would work for my good. He pointed me to the time at Hoxton, causing me to remember how simply I had walked by faith, and show- ing me my sin in having drawn back from that close com- munion. That although I did, in a measure, still walk with God, yet I could not say, as then, / live not, but Christ livetk in me.* I had depended on creatures for help, and therefore he had let me feel the weight of my .burdens, that I might be constrained to cast them afresh on him ; and that when he had proved and tried me, he would deliver me from all my outward burdens. As a pledge of the inward liberty he would afterward bring me into, and that the ways and means of my deliverance were in his own hands, and should appear in the appointed time, those words were again brought powerfully to my mind : If thou put away iniquity far from thy tabernacle- So shall thou lift up thy face unto God. Thou shalt decree a thing, and it shall be established unto thce ; and the light shall shine upon thy path. Yea, the Almighty shall be thy de- fence, and thou shalt have plenty of silver. He showed me that all my perplexities and trials were only the thorn hedge which his love had planted around me, to preserve me from run- ning farther astray. It was a profitable and melting time. Prom that hour I began to take my meat again with gladness and singleness of heart. During the above time of prayer, while I was asking light for my immediate duties, it appeared to me best to take Mr. Taylor down with us to Bath ; and that from the time I did so, his family would no more be such a burden to me. And truly so it proved. For my sister met me there, and was greatly struck with compassion toward him. She helped him herself, and raised him many friends ; so that * The truth was, I believe, she had not that lively sense of it. She was loaded with cares ; but they were all consistent with purity. ED. PART III.] MRS. FLETCHER. 71 all the rest of the time the family were under my roof, the children were entirely supported with the help which arose from that journey. I saw much of the order of God while from home ; and after six months I returned with thankfulness ; though not without that kind of sensation which a scourged child would have in returning to the rod. I must here mention a circumstance which, in order of time, occurred some months before. In my deep troubles, especially after the conversation with the friend above mentioned con. cerning marriage, a thought occurred to my mind, " Perhaps Mr. Fletcher is to be my deliverer. May not that be the way to bring me out of these incumbrancesl" But I started from the very idea, lest it should be a stratagem of Satan. We had not seen or heard from each other for more than fifteen years. Yet when striving to find out some way, that idea would frequently present itself before me. In the month of August, 1777, going into a friend's house who was just come from the conference, he said, " Do you know that Mr. Fletcher, of Madeley, is dying 1 ! Indeed 1 know not but he is dead. If he hold out a little longer, he is to go abroad ; but it is a pity, for he will die by the way, being in the last stage of consumption." I heard the account with the utmost calmness. For some days I bore his burden before the Lord ; and constantly offered him up to the will of God. A few days after, another of my acquaintance wrote word, ' Mr. Fletcher is very bad ; spits blood profusely, and perspires pro- fusely every night. Some have great hope that prayer will raise him up ; but, for my part, I believe he is a dying man, as sure as he is now a living one." As I was one day in prayer, offering him up to the Lord, these words passed my mind : " The prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up." I said, " Lord, I da.re not ask it ; 1 leave it to thy sacred will: thy will be done !" The following thoughts occurred to my mind, If the Lord should raise him up, and bring him in safety back to England ; and he should propose such a step, could I (loubt its being of God, after such an answer to prayer 1 Yet fearing a decep- tion, I cried to the Lord to keep me in his narrow way, what- ever I might suffer, and felt an unaccountable liberty to ask the following signs, if it really were of him. 1. That Mr. Fletcher might be raised up. 2. That he might be brought back to England. 3. That he would write to me on the subject, before he saw me, though we had been so many years asunder, without so much as a message passing on any subject. 4. That he would, in that letter, tell me, it had been the object of his thoughts and prayers for some years. It came to my mind farther, that should this occur in the end of the year 1781, it 72 THE LIFE Of [PART 111. would be a still greater confirmation, as Providence seemed to point to me that season as a time of hope. We returned from Bath in the beginning of the year 1776. I found crosses and troubles yet awaited me. Mr. ***was still my partner, and I was enabled to pay him and every cre- ditor the full interest of the money taken up ; but not to lessen the capital. Indeed, all along I was able to answer every de- mand. We continued our trade some time longer ; but, at length, Mr. * * * found my fears were better grounded than his hopes. Instead of a hundred pounds to put into my lap (as he expected) each year toward the debt, we found, on the strictest account of every grain of corn, pint of milk, or pound of butter, either sold or used in the family, that the farm did not pay its own way ; though he had put many things on a cheaper plan than before. The interest also swallowed up so great a part of my income, that it was not possible to keep more than half my family with what remained. As to the kilns, I had neither money nor courage to work them. I thought of many expedients. I strove, I worked hard, I prayed ; and at length proposed to the members of my family to disperse, and learn some little business, and I would aliow each what I could. Great affliction now sat on every face. Tears were shed in plenty. They alleged, Till you can get rid of this place you must live here. If you leave it empty the house will be spoiled, and that will injure the sale ; and we know not what to do, nor how to turn. After being twenty years with you, (said one,) how strange will a new situation appear ! And I, (said ano- ther,) after eighteen years? And after being twelve years together, (said some others,) how hard it is to part ! It was a most painful time ; and I saw there was no way, but first to sell the pkce and then disperse. But now a door seemed to open, a gentleman sent me word that he would bay the place, stock, lease, and all together. He was a man both of fortune and of honour, and really wished to help me out of my difficulties. The price which he offered would bring me through all, and leave me a good income. Now I began to look up, and to form a plan for my future life, how to settle myself, and dispose of each member of my family. I gave an account of every particular, and the bargain was in part made. But, alas ! our wisdom is folly ! He took a fever, and died in a few days ! To add to my difficulties, just at this time my brother wrote me word, that it would be throwing away the Laytonstone estate to sell it with so long a lease upon it ; and that it could not with any propriety be done. I now saw but one way, to advertise Cross Hall, and sell it for what I could ; and paying that away as far as it would go, strive yc-arly to lessen the remaining part of the debt by my income ; reserving only fifty pounds per year to live on, and out of it to PART III.) MRS. FLETCHER. 73 help my friends. But I recollected, that I might not live Ion? enough thus to pay the debt by my income. I had still a strong confidence in a promise given to me before I went to Bath, that no one should lose any thing by me ; yet I thought it was required of me to do every thing in my power toward it. I then proposed to myself to keep only twenty pounds per year. Nay, I thought, how can I have a right even to twenty? Justice is before mercy. They must all shift for themselves, and I will do the same. I may perhaps find some little busi- ness by which life may be sustained, till my affairs take a tavourable turn. It is true, nobody calls in their money, nor seems to have a fear concerning it ; yet it is my duty to take the more ca/e for them, because of their confidence in me. It may be supposed, as I was daily striving to part with the place, and expecting to turn out, that my thoughts were frequently occupied on what way of life I should choose, as most condu- cive to the glory of God ; and during this season, the Lord did teach me many lessons of poverty and resignation. It seemed to me no manner of life could be disagreeable, if I had but a prospect of having no debts. One day as I was standing at a window musing on this subject, I saw a poor man driving some asses laden with sand, by which he gained his bread. As I looked on him, a spring of satisfaction ran through my mind, and I thought, I am perfectly willing to take up the business of that man. If I preserve unsold one of the freehold cottages, the asses might graze on the common, and I could follow them with something to sell. There were but few trades which my conscience would suffer me to follow ; and my abilities were equal to still fewer. But to any thing in the whole world would I turn, that was not sinful, rather than remain in debt. I do not mean that I decided to act thus ; but so conformed was my mind to poverty at this time, that the thought of even that employment, as it now glanced through it, gave me real plea- sure - However P en l had been with my relations concerning my affairs hitherto, I determined to conceal all personal wants ; for if I voluntarily gave up my income for the payment of my iebts, I did not see it to be just to live on theirs ; and this would not have been difficult, as I had no relation that lived within two hundred miles. Sometimes it appeared to me quite clear, that Mr. Fletcher was the friend God would raise up for me. He was now much recovered, and about to return to England. However, I feared to lay any stress on that ; but while thinking on it, I received a letter from a friend, informing me that Mr. Fletcher had settled abroad, and proposed to see England no more. This was a false report ; he never had such a thought : but as it came from an intimate friend, I had reason to believe it. Thus was I cut off from the prospect of any human help ! but I kept to my old 74 THE LIFE OF [PART III. word, " My soul, wait thou upon God : from him cometh my salvation." My heart was much oppressed. I had not advertised the place, because some advised me not, saying it was the way rather to hurt the sale ; nor did any one BO much as inquire after it, though my mind was well known. I could now only stand still, for I knew not which way to go. During this sus- pense, conversing one day with my friend, Mr. * * *, he said, " Indeed I am at a loss what to do for you. I thought to have helped you greatly by the continuance of the farm ; but, alas '. I wish I had suffered you to advertise and sell it for any thing six years ago ; and you then could have done it. It is now too late. The nation is engaged in wars : you would now sell it for a trifle. I consulted some friends the other day, who all agree that, separate from the stock, you must not expect above six hundred pounds for the whole place. You are ruined, madam '. You withstand the order of God. My fortune is enough for you and me. But you cannot see in my light. May the Lord stand by you J But I cannot think of a partnership any longer ; the blame would fall on me !" It was now the summer of 1781. The seventh of June in that year, I entered into my fourteenth year in Yorkshire. I had all along an impression, that about that season something would open. One day as I was walking up a narrow lane which had a stile at the top, I saw a flock of sheep before me. The shepherd had hard work to drive them on ; they seemed deter- mined to turn again. I thought, well they may, for there is no gate, no way through ; what can he wish them to do] He forced them along, however, with dogs and sticks. I said in my mind, " These sheep are like me, drove on in a narrow path, without any way to get out." I followed at a distance, expecting every moment they would turn back upon me, when all at once they began to run, and I discovered a new made gate in a spacious field of turnips. In a minute they were dispersed, and fell to their full pasture with great delight. Faith whispered to my heart, so shall a door open before you in the appointed time. That passage of the psalmist was much impressed on my mind at this time : " The rod of the wicked shall not always remain in the lot of the righteous, lest the righteous put forth his hand to iniquity." And frequently those words also came with power, The days shall be shortened ; by which I rather thought, some change would take place in the beginning of the last year of my two apprenticeships in Yorkshire. And now the seventh of June came ; and I was almost constrained to day, Thou hast not delivered thy people at all. There was no appearance of any such thing; all was dark. "All was with sable terror hung." FART III.] MRS. FLETCHER. 75 I have continued the narrative unbroken through this cloudy arid dark day. All was conflict respecting the creatures ; but the Lord tempered the evil with occasional intimations that" " Behind a frowning providence He hid a smiling face." Mrs. Fletcher was thus kept from "growing weary in well doing," and enabled to "believe in the faithfulness of Him who knoweth the way of the righteous ;" and who " in every tempt- ation maketh a way for their escape." The pious reader will wish to know her walk with the Lord, during this evil day. An extract from her journal will give* a clear view of this ; and it will be seen, that although this blessed woman was thus cast down, she was not forsaken ; though perplexed, she was not, for a moment, in despair ; she still " looked, not at the things that are seen, and which are temporal, but at the things which are not seen, and eternal." She felt her weakness ; yea, her utter helplessness ; yet she was still confident. " She stood still to see the salvation of God." ED. Sunday, December, 1772. My health is yet far from good. My head is much affected, and it is often presented to my mind that 1 shall have an apoplexy. It is a painful sensation. Sud- den death does not appear to me as pleasant. I seem not to have my evidence clear for heaven. " Lord, spare me a little, that I may recover my strength before I go hence, and am no more seen." My nerves are very weak, and I feel a lowness which I think affects my mind as to spiritual things ; but I feel a determination, whether weak or strong, to rise early, and to visit the sick. Lord, give me to make the most of my short time ! and, O Jesus ! give me power to keep my mind always feed on thyself! January 16, 1773. Waked early, and was going to rise, but unprofitable thoughts crowded into my mind. My distressing situation, as to outward things, seemed an intolerable burden, /and I was betrayed into thinking of useless plans and schemes, how to avoid this (as I think) approaching ruin. Alas ! with all my anxiety and care, I can do nothing. All I strive for seems overturned. O Lord, give me the power to keep every thought stayed on thee ! This day I have, been a good deal hindered by company from walking by my rules, and I see I ought to receive every thing that occurs more immediately from the hand of God. January 17. Being very poorly, and the weather bad, I thought I would spend this day quietly at home, and set apart .three hours for solemn examination, and fresh dedication jf myself to God ; and I found it good so to do. At night I "clt. jnuch recollection, and had freedom in meeting the peopK 76 THE LIFE OF [PART III. January 21, Friday. For a few days past I have been enabled to keep in mind, That the cross is my chosen portion. Much taken up to-day in domestic affairs, in which I found my mind recollected. A good deal also with the poor and sick, who came for advice. I seemed to be in my own element. But when in a more public way, I do not seem as much in my place. Company does not agree with my soul. January 25. Rose early, but not having much time for prayer,. I was oif my guard, and spoke very unkindly to A. T. I have not been with God much to-day ; yet I seem to have had a cry in my heart to him. At night I again gave way to a hasty spirit. Alas ! I seem to love to find fault, and to oblige others to see in my light, and so justify me. Oh how unlike that holy simplicity I felt for a little while when at Hoxton ! February 2. Since I wrote last, I trust I have been in a growing frame. I went this day to A . Had a good time in speaking from those words, O Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter* February 17. This day in reading Mr. Fletcher's Fourth Check, I found my soul much stirred up. Oh for the close walk with God which he describes ! February 28. It 'was this week laid on my mind to go with Richard Taylor to A . I set out with prayer. When we had rode a few miles, the horse grew very ill. We stopped at a public inn just out of the town. In a few minutes a woman came in, who had observed us ; she said, lt Here are two or three of us who are seeking the Lord, just going to meet together at a house hard by, pray will you come in ?" I answered, " If you will let a few of the neighbours know, that some strangers are going to have a meeting, we will come in for half an hour." In a short time several were gathered, and we had a comfortable season with them. When the meeting was concluded, R. Taylor said, " If any of you who have a larger house, will open the door, we will spend half an hour with you in the morning before we set off." Several offered. The largest house was fixed on, and in the morning we had a good meeting, and much of the ' presence of God. About ten we set out for the coal pit at R- . Here I saw a little of what the Methodist preachers see much, viz. deep poverty, dirt, and cold ; but the Lord gave me freedom of speech, and some seemed to have an ear to hear. Lord ! let me not be a delicate disciple ! July 24. For a long time I have been ill, from the cold I caught at R , and my eyes being bad from riding so many miles in a strong east wind, 1 1 have been uftfi^ibr writing since. On the 29th of May I set out for Harrowgate, where I was advised to go to drink the waters. We got in on Saturday night. The next day we were afflicted 1 with hearing the Sab- bath greatly profaned both in the house and in the street. JA.RT HI.] MRS. FLETCHER. 77 Under my window was a company of men playing at horee- ehoe. It seemed a Heathen country indeed. We reproved them, and never observed the Sabbath so broke again while we stayed. On Monday I began the waters, and thought, If it does not please the Lord that I should get good for my body, I will strive to get good for niy soul. I will give myself up to prayer and reading. I have no opportunity here to act for the souls of others. 'I had nearness to God ; but a great weight rested on my mind. There were no lodgings but at the great inns, and ours was full of ungodly company. They all ate at one table ; but this I could not bear ; therefore I got a bit in my own room when they had done. However, their talking, swearing, laughing, and music, I was forced to hear all day long. Sometimes a strange impression came on my mind, that I should be called to bear my testimony for God to all the company that were there ; but the pain that it brought with it was exquisite. After a few days, I was asked to go to Pannel, (about a mile from Harrowgate,) in order to hold a meeting at the house of a poor woman, who had taken the preachers in once or twice ; at which I found many had been offended, and threatened much, so that I did not know what sort of treatment I was likely to meet with. Nevertheless I did not dare to refuse. We had a profitable time, and all was quiet. Two days after, I heard that some of the chief opposers were much affected. Glory be to God ! While we were holding the meeting, a drunken man came by, and stopped awhile ; then went on to the inn where I lodged, and told some of the gentlemen, that the lady who lived up stairs was preaching at Pannel. He repeated also some of the words he had heard me speak. When we came home they watched us in, and my maid (who was a pious young woman) going into the kitchen, they flocked about her, asking, in many questions, what her mistress had been doing at Pannel ! The following Sunday the company sent me a message up etairs, " That they unanimously requested I would have such a meeting with them in the great ball room." This was a trial indeed ! It appeared to me, I should seem in their eyes as a bad woman, or a stage player ; and I feared they only sought an opportunity to behave rudely. Yet I considered, I shall see these people no more till I see them at the judgment seat of Christ. And shall it then be said to me, " You might that day have warned us, but you would not." I answered them imme- , diately, That I would wait on them at the time appointed. They behaved very well, and the -presence of tiie Lord was with us. The following Sunday they made the same request. Much more company came in, even from High Harrow- gate ; but the Lord bore me through ; and glory be to him we had some fruit. The next day I returned home 7* 78 THE LIFE F [PART m. better in health, and comfortable in mind. All praise be to the Lord ! Sunday, Oct. 17. Reflecting on the condition of Israel at the Red Sea, I thought, there is the picture of my situation. 1 also then will " stand still and see the salvation of God. Thy will be done !" Yes, my adorable Ixjrd, strip me of every pen- ny ; bring me not only to poverty, but what, I far more dread, to insolvency. Yes ! strip me even of reputation ; let me be as " the filth and offscouring of all things," only let me have thy approval, and all shall be well. Yes, I will praise thee for i ill, and most for the severe. Oct. 18. Finding the family (which now consisted of men and women, boys and girls) much laid on my mind ; in parti- cular the children, some of the biggest of whom seemed getting into snares ; and considering that several must soon (because of my circumstances) be thrust out into the world, I spent some time in pleading with the Lord, that he would not let the expense and labour which had been laid out on these orphans be all in vain, but that they might be truly brought to God ; though I saw we must be dispersed, through the losses and trials which are come upon me. The Bible lay open before me, and I cast? my eyes on those words, which were applied with power to my heart : " Yet, behold, there shall be a remnant that shall be brought forth, both sons and daughters, behold, they shall come forth unto thee, and thou shalt see their ways and their doings ; and ye shall be comforted concerning the evil I have brought on Jerusalem. And they shall comfort you when you shall see their ways and their doings ; and ye shall know that I have not done without cause, all that I have done, saith the Lord." Saturday, Nov. 6 I have received some upbraiding letters, asking me if I yet believed I should see those words fulfilled, " I will restore to you the ears the locusts have eaten." In the midst of my trials, it is sometimes presented to my mind, Perhaps the Lord will draw me out of all this by marriage. Opportunities of this kind occur frequently ; but no sooner do I hear the offer, but a clear light seems to shine on my mind, as with this voice : You will neither be holier nor happier with this man. But I find Mr. Fletcher sometimes brought before me, and the same conviction does not intervene. His eminent piety, and the remembrance of some little acts of friendship in our first acquaintance, look to me sometimes like a pointing of the finger of Providence. And yet I fear lest it should be a trick of Satan to hurt my mind. I know not even that we shall see each other on this side eternity. Lord, let me not be drawn into a sn?.re ! Well, this I resolve on, to strive against the thought ; ,tnd never to do the least thing toward a renewal of our correspondence. No I will fix my eye on t he hundred PART HI.] MRS. FLETCHER. 79 forty and four thousand; praying only to live and die to God alone. Whatever is the will of God, I believe he mil show it to me, and may his holy will be done. A few nights ago, as my mind was burdened lest Satan was about to get an advan- tage over me, I cried to the Lord, and felt much sorrow. In order to compose my mind, (I did what I seldom do,) I prayed the Lord to direct me in opening to some passage of Scripture which might draw me to himself, and compose me into a quiet frame. I took up, as I thought, a little Bible which lay before me, but (by accident) one of the maids had put her small Com- mon Prayerbook in the place. With prayer I opened it, and cast my eyes on these words : " Almighty God, who at the beginning did create our first parents, Adam and Eve, and did sanctify and join them together in marriage, pour upon you the riches of his grace, sanctify and bless you, that you may please him both in body and soul, and live together in holy love unto your lives' end." I was struck with the words ; but saw the safest way was a quiet attention to the will of my God, on which 1 strove to lean my weary spirit. Monday, November 8. My mind is this morning affected in a solemn manner. It seems to me I have yet more of the cross to expect, and more bitter cups to drink. O my Lord, what breaking do I need ! Well, do all thy will, so I may but feel that promise accomplished, Thou shalt walk with me in white. Last night I went to bed recollected, and in the spirit of prayer, but had a dream which I cannot understand, though I believe it to be from God. Perhaps what I know not now 1 may know hereafter. I thought I was in a room with S. C., A. T., and some others. Mr. Fletcher was there, sitting with us, and speaking of the things relating to a walk with God. At last he said, as it were abruptly, " I must go to Bristol : will any of you go with me ]" A woman who sat by him said, " No, not for the world. You know not what you will have to suffer : the devil walks there, and you will have all the powers of hell to grapple with." He replied, " I care not for ten thousand devils, for the name of Jesus will conquer them all !" He then, turning to me, said, " Will you go with me 7 Not to heip me to fight, but to help me to praise." I replied, " I will o ; for while we trust in Jesus, all the powers of hell cannot hann us." I had no remembrance during my dream of his being a single man, or any thing that had passed in my mind before. In all I said and did, I seemed acted upon by another spirit rather than my own. November 15. In reading Mr. Elliott's Life this day, I received a fresh conviction, how blessed an employment it ig to receive and comfort the messengers of the Lord, who have left their houses, and all the conveniences of life, to preach the Gospel. God hath given me a home, though Christ had not 80 THE LIFE OF [PART III. where to lay his head ; and here I have the honour and privi- lege of giving a cup of water to his prophets. Lord, teach me to do it with more diligence ! December 2. This day, as brother Bramah was meeting my band, he related an anecdote of a young man, which was blest to me. He was leader of a band of young men, all desirous of giving their whole hearts to God ; but it eemed to them they could not see the way clearly. One night he dreamed he was at the bottom of a deep but dry well, with his little company. He told them if they remained there they must perish, and exhorted them to strive hard to get out. Accordingly they exerted all their strength, endeavouring to get up, but all in vain. At last they were quite discouraged, and said, " What must we do 1" " Truly," said he, " I know not ;" but looking up, he saw in the sky a little bright spot which did not appear larger than half a crown. He looked at it for some time, when feeling himself move, he looked down into the well, and found to his surprise he was risen some feet from the bottom. As soon however as he looked down he began to sink again. " O," said he, " now I have found the way out of the well ! It is by looking steadily on yonder bright spot ;" on which fixing his eye, he was brought up in a short time, and his feet were set on firm ground. This discovery of the way of faith, was great- ly blessed both to him and his brethren. I am convinced, could I thus constantly look to Jesus, as the author and finisher of my faith, the work of sanctification would be going on without hinderance. December 17. Last Friday I went to Leeds to meet some classes. O how much do I suffer for every meeting I propose ! The enemy follows me hard with such buffeting fears and dis- couragements as I cannot express. However, I determined to go, and leave the event to God. At Mrs. C.'s many came in to tea, and being a mixed company, I thought, Lord, give me something profitable to say, or keep me silent ; and blessed be God it was a profitable time. After tea Iconversed alone with one in deep distress, and read in the providences she men- tioned, a wonderful display of the wisdom, condescension, and guardian care of the Lord Jesus. When I returned into the dining room, a large class was ready for me, and the Lord was very present. Glory be to his name, he never fails his poor unworthy dust ! Then Mrs. Clapham asked me if my strength would hold out to meet the children. I assented, and also found some liberty. Immediately I began the second class, and there I found the Lord was very good indeed ; but my strength almost failed. After the people w.ere gone, I talked closely with Mr. H. ; I trust not quite in vain. It being now late, we got a little supper, and went to bed. I had but little rest, being very fever- ish. Indeed I am seldom well in a town. Next day we visited PART III.] MRS. FLETCHER. 81 several in peculiar states and circumstances, and here also I saw the Lord's hand. In the afternoon I returned home in peace. December 20. This was on the whole a good day. Taking some time in the Hermitage, my soul was refreshed. My situ- ation is perplexing ; but I feel myself calmly fixed on the will of God. I can, I do, believe he will not let me take any step that is not for his glory. And if I do not get out of his order,- I care for nothing else. December 30. Waked early, and after losing some time, (though kept from unprofitable thoughts,) I arose about five, and was blessed in prayer ; but afterward found myself very stupid, dull, and heavy. I went to see some sick people, and their words were animating. I was humble while they record- ed several meetings in which my words had been blessed to them. O my God, let me not help others into liberty, and my- self remain in bondage. I heard also' to-day of some in Leeds that were brought into a fuller measure of love, and that they had been blessed ever since my being there. All ! Lord, how will this rise against me if I am not filled with thee ! On all sides I hear of my words being blessed, and yet I am only a poor . pipe through which it passes. Lord, let me never 'rest" till I nave full redemption in thy blood. Sometimes all my soul is on the stretch; but then I rest again, and other cares my heart divide. How long ! O Lord ! How long ! January 1, 1774. And do I yet see another year ? Lord, with what improvement ? Shine on my soul, while I examine for an answer. Blessed be thy name ! I have more faith than last year, I have more power, and my mouth is more open to speak for thee. I am more deeply convinced of my vileness, which is such as none can conceive. I am also more on stretch for holiness. January 15, Friday night. This day I set apart as a fast. All the morning I was tossed much with thoughts of temporal difficulties, R. T. being quite unwilling to come into any scheme I can propose. In the afternoon I found more liberty in prayer ; I was as in an agony. I said, " Lord, if it can be consistent with thy justice to make such a sinner as I entirely holy, do it ! Do it for thy name's sake ! Give me once more what thou gavest me at Hoxton. Do it, Lord ! in thy own way ; I sub- mit myself to any condition ; only make and keep me holy." My life seemed as if it would go from me, and my hands were so strained by the grasp, (which I afterward found they had of each other,) that I could hardly use them for some time. But I did not gain the blessing I wanted. February 6. Blessed be my adorable Saviour, I am kept from all condemnation. I feel I am so born of God, I do not Commit sin. But I have not that liberty of aoul, that cloee 82 THE LIFE OF [FART III. communion which I want, and believe to be my privilege. O my Saviour, shine more clearly ! let me fully enter into the good land ! Saturday, February 19. Glory be to God, I have been kept in peace this week, and my soul seems nearer to God. Yet I do not seem to have got " salvation appointed for walls and bulwarks ;" I am but a little child. But, " Lord, I am thine, save me." As to my outward affairs, they are not now such a weight, I have cast them on the Lord, and I embrace his will. He, without whom "a sparrow does not fall to the ground," will not leave nor forsake his poor helpless creature. Monday, 22. Yesterday was a day of trial. Mr. * * * preach- ed at Morley, and then came here. He really grows in grace, and his word is attended with power. I was much pained in conversing with him to see the grief of mind occasioned by his attachment. O my God, indulge me in this ! Show me some way out of this embarrassment. Saturday, 27. A solemn day to my soul. I was kept in peace while busy in domestic affairs. Home always agrees with my soul. It is seven weeks to-morrow, since I have been constantly kept as the clay before the potter : yet still how far below my privilege I live ! Sunday, September 26. I did not rise quite in so spiritual a. frame as I wished. Lord, let me not lose ground. I was bless- ed in the meeting afterward ; and in reading the 'Essay on Truth, in Mr. Fletcher's Equal Check, page 162. Lord, give me to live in that constant act of faith ! It is the very mar- row of the Gospel. How delightfully it is distinguished from Antinomian presumption ! It has of a truth been food to my soul. In prayer this night I found power to lay open all my troubles before the Lord, and to take fast hold on that word", " Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you." I cannot tell how to express the power I felt in those words, All these things .' I saw Jesus had undertaken my whole cause. December. I feel my faith rather increased. I have this day been examining the state of my soul as to the progress I have made this year, and inquiring of the Lord why I do not grow much faster, and sink into a much deeper acquaintance with God. It appears to me that the reason is, I do not valiant- ly resist every thought that presents itself, but suffer my eyes to be turned off from my Saviour. In particular, I lose much time in searching for ways out of my present trials. It seem? often a duty to do so ; and my mind is carried away, till recalled by that word, " Thou canst not make one hair white or black." February 1, 1775. I was much blessed at the Wednesday meeting. For some time these words have been with txs ?ART III.] MRS. FLETCHER. 83 " Delight thyself in the Lord, and he will give thee the desire of thy heart." February 28. I fear my soul has lost ground this month, O what a narrow path do we tread ! How true also is that word, Without me ye can do nothing ! In the beginning of this month I wrote that precious word, Delight thyself in the Lord ; but, alas ! instead of delight, I feel sorrow of heart ! A little time since I had a particular trial with * * *. What was pro- posed seemed hard and unreasonable ; and I forgot the Chris- tian motto, " Do good, and suffer ill." I got my eye turned off from Jesus, and then I no longer felt the love that never faileth. This deeply wounded me. At night I felt a drop of healing balm, but my spirit remains to this day much discou- raged. May. / am a woman of a sorrowful spirit. My affairs are perplexing indeed ! Yet something seems to say, It is for an appointed time. But all this I should not regard, if my soul was always filled with love. I sometimes seem to get all obstacles removed, and then I reflect the image of my Saviour, and all is quiet, calm, and peace. Floods of trial do not seem to move me. But though I thus taste of the pure river now and then, I do not abide in the faith, and therefore I do not abide in liberty. May 28. This day I set apart for prayer, to inquire of the Lord, why I am so held in bondage about speaking in public. It cannot be expressed what I suffer, it is known only to God what trials I go through in that respect. Lord, give me more humility, and then I shall not care for any thing but thee ! There are a variety of reasons why it is such a cross. The other day one told me, " He was sure I must be an impudent woman ; no modest woman, he was sure, could proceed thus." Ah ! how glad would nature be to find out, Thou, Lord, dost not require it ! Mr. William Bramah observed to-day, " The reason why your witness is not more clear, is because you do not glorify God by believing, and more freely declaring what he hath done for your soul." He spake much on these words, " What things soever ye ask in prayer, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them." His words came with power, and my soul got a farther hold on Jesus. I do see that by his death he hath purchased perfect salvation for all who believe ; and that we receive it in proportion as we thus believe. " Be it unto you 'according to your faith," is the word of the Lord. Then I will, I do cast my whole soul on thee ! O let me find salvation as walls and bulwarks ! September 10, Sunday. I rose this morning with a sore weight on my mind. It was given out for me to be at D . There was much wind and rain, and the roads were very bad. I feared the journey. I feared also I should have nothing to 84 THE LIFE OF [PART HI. say when I came there ; I feared all manner of things. Those words, however, came to my mind, " Take no thought what ye shall say." I then felt myself led to consider these words, ' Repent ! for the kingdom of heaven is at hand." I found some liberty in speaking from them, and the people were affect- ed. ' As I was riding back, I clearly saw I was called to stand still ; to live the present moment, and always to praise the Lord that his will was done, though I might have much to suffer. I had a clear conviction, God brought me to Yorkshire, and that I had a message to this people : and that notwith- standing the darkness which hung over my situation, I was at present where God would have me. WeU then, answered my heart, if I am but in his will I am safe ; for where the Lord leads me, there he will be my light. September 12, Tuesday. This day I am thirty-six years old. I have been throughout the day kept in the spirit of prayer. Lord, I offer up myself, body and soul, to thee ! It came to me, Thy captivity is long. Well, I will wait thy time, O Lord ! November 5, Sunday. Did not rise early, but was kept recollected. In the morning I was watchful as to words, but at noon I talked too long with A. T. That is an admirable rule of Mr. Wesley's, never to be more than an hour in the same company where it can be avoided. I also spoke some evil of M. M. by repeating what was not needful. O when shall I know what that meaneth, " He that offendeth not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body." November 12, Sunday. Went to bed late last night, but in a degree recollected, though rather hurried with fear lest I should lie too long in the morning. When I rose, I found the weather was very severe. However, I went to A . The extreme cold almost took away my senses. Yet we had a com- fortable meeting, and many people. January 5," 1776. I find it very hard to be recollected in private prayer. To-day I tried the following plan with some advantage. I placed my watch on the bed, that I might know when the hour was out. I first strove to consider myself as in the presence,: of God, as before the throne, worshipping with the heavenly host. Then I strove with recollection to repeat the Lord's prayer, giving each sentence full scope in my ..lind. In the words, Our Father, I felt a powerful remem- brance of Him, " after whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named," and with delight I then repeated, Hallowed be thy name ! That sentence, Thy kingdom come, was roach opened to my soul. I see that kingdom is the great promise of the Father, which Christ said he would send upon nis chil- dren. That indeed is " the kingdom which suffers violence PART HI.] MRS. FLETCHER. 85 and the violent take it by force." As I repeated, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven, I felt " The will of God my sure defence, Nor earth nor hell can pluck me thence." Give us this day our daily bread. Is he not our own Father ? Is he not engaged to provide for his babes ? Well then, thought I, freedom from debt is more to me than bread, and will he not preserve me from this 1 It was then brought to my mind, " The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want." In the next petition, Forgive me as I forgive, Oh ! what a cry did I feel for more love ! Lord, must I say, " That mercy I to others show That mercy show to me." Ah no ! I will rather cry out, " Mercy, good Lord ! mercy I ask, It is the total sum ; For mercy. Lord, is all my plea, O let thy mercy come !" " With what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again !" O how would that cut ine off from all hope, were it not for those words, " The bloocJ of Jesus cleanseth from all sin !" Lead us not into temptation. How hath this prayer been answered to me ! HOW would I have ran into ruin, but thou didst not suffer the cemptation to approach. Thou didst keep my powers as with bit and bridle, and conquered for me ; and that whe I did not strive, or even know my danger. But deliver us from evil. Lord, I am a desolate woman, who hath no helper but thee. O keep me from evil of every kind ; "thoroughly purge away my dross, and take away all my tin." For all is thine for ever and ever. This I am assured of, when the soul turns inward to seek the Lord, that moment he turns to it and smiles upon it ; and if it abide with him, it will always grow. But as of a healthy child, one does not see it grow, and yet it doth ; so the soul, surrounded by temptation, may not discover its growth ; nevertheless the sun does not more freely give its light and warmth to the earth, than the beams of the immaterial Sun meets the seeking soul. January 21. I went to-day to see some sick, among whom was the mother of a young man, who, about four years ago, came to our Sunday night's meeting. It pleased the Lord to awaken him, and soon after he died happy. On his death bed he entreated his mother and sister, that they would attend the meetings as he had done. Some time after, the eldest sis'ei came to me for advice among the other patients. Conversing with her, I perceived she had some convictions, and invited her to meet with a few persons which I had collected. She did so, and seemed to drink in instruction as the parched ground 8- 86 THE LIFE or [PART HI. the softening shower. After a few weeks she was set at liber- ty. She was now desirous her mother might share in her felicity. She begged me to visit her, as she was too infirm to come out. Accordingly I went, but found her so ignorant, and so exceedingly weak as to her understanding, that it seemed almost impossible to do her any good. After some time, she appeared under some concern ; and her complaint then was, to use her own words, " O that I could but get a smile from God !" Her convictions continued to increase, and she would cry, " O what shall I do 7 Shall I never be saved ! O how easily did Betty come to it, while I cannot get one smile, not one look from God ! The face of the Almighty is all dark to me, as dark as darkness itself." The Lord was then pleased to lay her on a sick bed, in a very painful disorder. Finding nothing gave her any relief, and believing she must die, she was in great distress, and said to her daughter, " My dear, my pain is greater than I can bear ! I cannot live over this night. I pray thee go to mistress, and see if she can order me some- thing." " O mother," said she, " I know not how to go, we have had so much in former illnesses. I fear it will seem as if we were imposing on her ; let me go to the doctor again !" The old woman lying in gr^at distress, at length cried out, " Thou wilt order me a medicine, Lord ! I can believe thou wilt. But shall I have no share ii\ thy glory 1" Then, as she expressed it, " It went through my mind with power, ' I will have mercy on thee ! I will receive thee at the eleventh hour !' O what did I then feel ! Such comfort carne over me as 1 can never tell. I did not mind the pain, I believed it would be removed. But my soul ! O ! what a change did it feel ! Why, the dark face of God was all light. ! I thought before, that he hated me for my sins ; but now I saw he loved me. Yes, I saw he had loved me all my life, and had been inviting me to come to him ; but I did not understand. And now, O ! how 1 love him ! Yes, I love my God better than I ever loved my best bairn (child). O it is a brave thing! And what a change it makes ! Why, one is quite a new creature ! And it has made me see things quite different from what I did before. I used to chafe and fret, when any thing went wrong, and thought things were very hard ; but now I see nothing is hard ; all is love ! So ".. never do complain now."* * As it was in the days of the personal ministry of the Son of God, so it is in these his Spirit's Gospel days : " He hides those things from the wise and pru- dent, and r i-^ealelh them unto babes. The weary and heavy laden, who believe," Matt, xi, 'i5 -30. How easy it is to forget this ! How hard to keep it in remem- brance, and to allow it its due weight ! Did ever any man, since the days of St. Paul, more fully, or more constantly, appreciate this than Mr. Wesley 7 It was the principle that governed and directed his whole life and labours : and on which account he denominated the fruit of those labours, " The tcork of God." A work which he began, supported, and prospered ; and in respect to which Mr. Welfiy PART III.) MRS. FLETCHER. 87 Her daughter came to me, and told me (as well as she could) how her mother was ; but her disorder was so peculiar, and so badly described, that I was on the point of saying, I cannot do any thing for her, when all at once a mixture came into my mind. I went and made it up. The first spoonful gave her ease ; and soon after quite removed the disorder. All I can way on this extraordinary case is, the Lord would have it so. The medicine was not an opiate, but in itself a very simple thing ; but when the Lord will bless, who shall stay his hand 1 Thou art a God who hears and answers prayer. January 30. Last night I met the classes at A . Much of the power of the Lord was present. But, Oh ! I am not what I would be, Lord ! How is it I seem to get so slowly forward ! This morning I rose early, and found it good. Self- denial agrees with my soul, but I use too little of it. February 4. Last Wednesday I had a remarkable preserva- tion. Going to take my bark mixture, my mind being much taken up with what I had been writing, I took a bottle ot laudanum, which through a strange providence was not then locked up, a circumstance which seldom happens. I took four tea spoonfuls and a half of it. As soon as 1 had swallowed it, I perceived what it was ; and thought I must take a large dose of ipecacuanha. I looked for it, but could not find it, though it stood very near me. I knew my life depended on the present moment ; and thought, perhaps the Lord has appointed to take me this way. I found my mind calmly stayed on God, and those words came arrnss it, " These signs shall follow those that believe : if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them." I went into Mrs. Crosby's room, and told them what had happened. Having medicines in the parlour, we went down to look there for the ipecacuanha, but there was none. We returned to my room, and found it. I took about thirty .grains. We then joined in prayer. For half an hour it had no effect. I thought it would then have no power, as the opiate must in that time have taken hold of the nerves of the stomach. But it soon after operated, and brought up (it seems) both the laudanum and ipecacuanha. Fearing the whole had not come away, they gave me another dose ; but that had no effect at all. I felt, however, not the least inconvenience. In the night, I u little rambled, and was restless, but not ill. On the whole, it was a comfortable dispensation. I had been always tempted to think, if I should be called to face death in full health, I should shrink from it. But now that I fully believed it to be just before me, my soul did calmly wait on the Lord, though not with joy, yet with quiet peace ! Last night I dreamed, I was telling the Lord, he was the notwithstanding his unparalleled activity always considered himself ai a mefq passive instrument Eo. 88 THE LIFE OF [PART III. loadstone, and my soul the needle. That his will was the north pole, to which my heart should turn, however tossed about. To-day Miss Ritchie came. I have had some profit- able conversation with her. She is indeed a blessed soul ; and I feel more of the immediate presence of God since that con- versation. May 5. I had a meeting some days ago at B , where an . odd circumstance occurred. I observed (as I was speaking on these words, The Master is come, and calleth for thee) a gentleman among the congregation, who looked with great earnestness. As soon as the meeting was over, I rode home, where I had not long been, till this man came after me. He is a stranger, and came into these parts about business. He felt a great alarm in his soul ; and declared he had always before thought himself very righteous ; but he now feared he should go to hell ; and insisted on telling me his whole life, and con- fessing (as he termed it) all his sins. He was very long ; and I feared there was in his mind a mixture of insanity. He told ifte he was building a house for an assembly, but he would go home, and turn it into a preaching house, if I would come and speak in it, that his neighbours might get the light he had got. I strove to prevail on him to return to the friend's house from, whence he came, and to set off the next morning for his own country, where he told me he had a good wife and family; but he insisted he would not leave me till he had found the Lord ! At length he said he felt some comfort, and would go and spend most of the night in prayer. Next morning he was more calm ; and on my promising to answer him if he wrote to me, he went away. Satan made use of this occurrence to bring me into discouragement respecting public speaking; but some years after, I heard a most pleasing account of this gentleman, That he had indeed turned his assembly house into a Methodist preaching house, and that himself and family were joined to the society. June 11, Tuesday. Mrs. Westerman came here on the Thursday before Whitsunday, and stayed ten days. She came in full expectation of a blessing; and in the Sunday night meeting, as I was in the last prayer, I felt it on my mind to plead with the Lord, that he would seal some soul as his abode thai, night. Ju?t then the answer came. She felt the heart of stone taken away, and has ever since wycyced with exceed- ing joy. Tuesday I went to B . Wrien we came, we found the man at whose house we were to have been, died that morning. A lother offered his barn, though with seeming fear ; but when we came to the house, he either could not, or would not find the key. So we stood in an open place, 'vith some serious people from other parts, and some of the careless inhabitant*. However, all behaved well and I found liberty in PART III.] MJIS. FLETCHER. 89 enforcing those words, "Acquaint now thyself with God, and be ait peace, hereby good shall come unto thee." July SO.This day I found a good deal of liberty in prayer, especially in pleading, " If it be thy will I should be holy, if it be the great design of thy death, Oh then let it all be answered on thy poor creature ! Let all thy will be done !" It seems to me I fall short in every thing. I am continually making rules and plans, and yet I keep to none with any degree of exactness. Nevertheless, I see it well to make them ; for though I never come up to what I propose, yet I always gain something ; every fresh effort seems to put me a little forward. I have of late been reading Dr. Cheyne's works ; I see self- denial very beautiful, and of profit both for soul and body. July 24. H. S. gave a good account of the work wrought on her soul. I think it is about three months ago I provi- dentially met with her in a class, which I went to meet about a mile from home. She appeared that night all ear, and quite awakened to the desire of loving God with all her heart. I felt much liberty in conversing with her, and asked her to come to the meeting, which she did the first opportunity, and seemed quite broke down ; expressing herself in such a manner con- cerning her inbred sin, as plainly showed the Lord had plucked away every covering. While we were at prayer, she felt a degree of living faith ; and last night she gave the following account : " After I left you I was very happy. I went to bed, wondering at the great miracle Jesus had wrought in saving such a sinner. When I awoke in the morning, (Oh what a precious morning to me !) I had an impression as if my dear Lord stood just by me, and said, ' I will cause all my goodness to pass before thee.' T cried out, ' Oh it is thee, my Lord !' Then the words came to me, ' I have set thee as a signet upon mine arm, as a seal upon my heart. Thy sun shall no more go down. I will be thine everlasting light, and thy God, thy glory.' Oh what rapture did I feel, and so I do still ! He is all day long speaking so sweetly to me, and I have such views of his glorious love as I cannot express. Oh never sure did the Lord do such a miracle ! For I do believe there never was such a vile polluted creature as I have been !"* August 30. Yesterday it was given out for IK? to be at . For a whole month it lay on my mind. None, O my God, but thyself, knows -what I go through for every public meeting ! I arti often quite ill with the prospect. When the day came, the wind was violent, which is a thing I have a great fear of, because it so affects my head ; for after riding several miles in it, I am scarcely in my senses. And I suppose it is worse to me, not having been used to ride on horseback till I came into Vcrk- * There are ten thousand happy belrtvers that would dispute that point with hr. ED. 8* 90 THE LIFE OF [PART 11T. shire. A little before I set out, I said, " O Lord, thou canst still the wind ; but thy will be done." When we had got about a hundred yards from the house, the wind fell, and we had no more trouble from it all the way. My hearing was much affected at this time, so that I feared I should not be able to converse with any person. But before I got to the place, my hearing was as good as ever it was in my Dfe, and I was not at all fatigued ! There were many persons got together ; and after spending about two hours with them, the time for the meeting drew on. We went to a barn prepared for that pur- pose by the kind friend who had invited us. There was a good congregation ; and I found some enlargement in speaking on those words which came then to my mind, " Hath the Lord as much delight in sacrifices and burnt offerings as in obeying the voice of the Lord ? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams." As I was speaking on the word hearken, I felt the Lord peculiarly present. The people would fain have had me stay all night ; but for some reasons I thought it better to return ; which we immediately did, and reached home a little before eleven. September 7, Tuesday. Glory be to God ! this has been a comfortable day. My soul is sweet in expectation that I shall be filled with the Spirit ; and that 1 shall yet see the time, when by my whole life I shall bring glory to God. I feel power to abandon my whole cause into his hand. O Lord, thou hast undertaken for me ; I feel thou hast ; I feel also great resignation as to the life or death of thy dear servant. O keep him, Lord, as the apple of thine eye. I believe thou wilt order all right ; and I shall regard him with an immortal friendship, that will be free from snares, and all divine. But it is strange, when I am offering him up, the words come, " The prayer of faith shall heal the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up." I do not understand, but / stand still. September 14. Yesterday I was a good deal oppressed. I had undertaken to meet the old members of our society apart, and to propose to them a renewal of our covenant ; to set our hearts and hands afresh to the work of God. Glory be to his name, I was carried better through it than I could have hoped for. Some little touches of enthusiasm were beginning to creep in among us, which I thought the more dangerous, as the meeting now grows very numerous, members being added from all sides. Yet was it a great trial for me to have to reprove them, 1. Because many are much farther advanced in grace than I am. 2. I was deeply conscious it is one of the most delicate subjects in the world, and requires both much wis- dota and mucn love, to extinguish false fire, and yet to keep up the true All the day I kept pleading before the Lord, ipoetly in these words of Solomon, " Ah ! Lord, how shall PART HI.] MRS. FLETCHER. 91 I, who ana but a child, go in and out before this thy chosen people ?" September 17, Tuesday. Glory be to thee, my faithful Lord ! Oh that I could always trust ! Then I should always praise ! Last Sabbath morning I went, according to appoint- ment, to Goker. I arose early, and in pretty good health. The day \v:as fine, though rather hot. About eleven we came to Huddersfield, and called on Mrs. H. She had asked me to Jodge there on my return, and have a meeting, saying, many had long desired it, and there would be no preacher there on that day. I felt immediately the people laid on my mind, and that I had a message to that place, and said, if the Lord permit, I will. She then said, "We will give it out at noon.'' We rode forward. Benjamin Cock met us, and kindly con- ducted us over the moors. When we came to his hut, all was clean, and victuals enough provided for twenty men. But I was so heated with the ride, (near twenty miles,) and with the great fire on which they so liberally cooked for us, that I could not eat. My drinking nothing but water seemed also quite to dis- tress them. They said the meeting had been given out in many places, and they believed we should have between two and three thousand people. That I did not believe ; but there was indeed such a number, and of such a rabble as I scarce ever saw. At one we went out to the rocks, a place so wild that I cannot describe it. The crowd which got round us was so great, that by striving which should get first to the quarry, (where we were to meet,) they rolled down great stones among the people below us, so that we feared mischief would be done. Blessed be God, none were hurt ! I passed on among them on the top of the hill, not knowing whither I went. T\vice I was pushed down by the crowd, but rose without being trampled on. We stopped on the edge of a spacious quarry filled with people, \vlio were tolerably quiet. I gave out that hymn, The Lord my pasture shall prepare, &c. When they were a little settled, I found some liberty in speaking to them ; and I believe most heard. As we returned into the house, numbers followed^, and filled it so full we could not stir. I conversed with them, but could not get much answer. They stood like people in amaze, and seemed as if they could never have enough Many wept and said, "When will you come again 1" We then sot off for Huddersfield. I felt very much fatigued, and begau to ihink, how shall I be able to fulfil my word there ? As we rode along, brother Taylor said, " I think I ought to tell you my mind. I wish we could ride through Huddersfield, and not stop. For I know there are some there who do not like women to speak among them, and I fear you will meet with somsthing dis- agreeable." I looked to the Lord, and received, as it sesmed to me, the following direction : If I have a word to speak from 92 THE LIFE OF [PART III. him, he will make my way. If not, the door will be shut. I am only to show the meekness of wisdom, and leave all to God. Those words then came with power to my mind, " The Lord my pasture shall prepare. And feed me with a shepherd's care : His presence shall my wants supply. And guard me with a watchful eye ; My noonday walks he shall attend. And all my midnight hours defend." When we got to Huddersfield, I told them the conversation we had had by the way, and the posture of my mind ; which was calm as the limpid stream, and quiet as an infant. I per- ceived his fears were not groundless, and said, " Well, my friends, I will do as you will, either stay with you this night, or go forward directly, for I follow a lamb-like Lord, and I would imitate his life and spirit." They said, they believed but few of the principal persons had any objection ; and the people much desired it ; besides, as it had been given out at noon, there would be a great many strangers, whom it would not be well to disappoint. It was then agreed that we should have the meeting in the house, where they usually had the preaching ; but when we came there the crowd was very great, and the place so hot, that I feared I should not be able to speak at all. I stood still and left all to God. A friend gave out a hvmn ; during which some fainted away. Brother Taylor said, " I perceive it is impossible for us to stay within doors, the people cannot bear the heat, and there are more without than are within." We then came out. My head swam with the heat ; I scarce knew which way I went, but seemed carried along by the people, till we stopped at a horseblock, placed against a wall on the side of the street, with a plain wide open- ing before it. On the steps of this I stood, and gave out, " Come, ye sinners, poor and needy," &c. While the people were sing- ing the hymn, I felt a renewed conviction to speak in the name of the Lord. My bodily strength seemed to return each mo- ment. I felt no weariness, and my voice was stronger than in the morning, while I was led to enlarge on these words, " The Lord is our Judge, the Lord is our Lawgiver, the Lord is our King, he will save us." I felt great enlargement while endea- vouring to show the purity of our Judge, whose eyes could endure no iniquity. That as a Lawgiver he was just and holy, and the thing gone out of his lips must stand : The soul that sinneth shall die. But the Lord is also our King, and he will " save us. First, by convincing us of the purity of 'his law, and the justness of our punishment, \vho have broken it. Secondly, by making us tremble before that Judge, W 7 hose eyes are as a flame of lire. Thirdly, by leading us to Him, who is our "Ad- vocate with the Father. Jesus Christ the righteous," who now PART III;] MRS. FLETCHER. 93 manifests himself to the soul, as the propitiation for our sins. And, fourthly, as a King, he goes on in the believer conquering and to conquer, till the eternal reign of Jesus commences in the soul ; which, as the " morning light, grows brighter and brighter unto the perfect day ;" till " the perfect love which casts out all fear," marks the soul as the abode and " habitation of God through the Spirit." Deep solemnity sat on every face, I think there were scarce a cough to be heard, or the least mo- tion ; though the number gathered was very great. So solemn a tune I have seldom known ; my voice was clear enough to reach them all ; and when we concluded, I felt stronger than when we began. They then desired me to speak to each of the women joined in the society, which took me till near ten. The room we went into for that purpose was a damp stone floor, so that I could hardly move my legs when I came out. But they kindled a. fire, and after getting some refreshment I grew better. About twelve I went to bed, and rested under the shadow of the Almighty tHl morning, when I found myself remarkably well. After having breakfasted with brother Goldthorp, where we had a lively conversation concerning holiness, I came home with much thankfulness and peace. October 8. I was to-day at Clackhigh-town, and saw the hand of the Lord in many things. I have been more abun- dantly led to reflect on the difficulties of the path I am called in. I know the power of God which I felt when standing on the horseblock in the steet at Huddersfield : but at the same time I am conscious how ridiculous I must appear in the eyes of many for so doing. Therefore, if some persons consider me as an impudent woman, and represent me as such, I cannoc blame them. Again, many say, If you are called to preach, why do you not do it constantly, and take a round as a preach- er ? I answer, Because that is not my call. I have many duties to attend to, and many cares which they know nothing about. I must therefore leave myself to His guidance who hath the sole right of disposing of me. Again they say, " Why do you not give out, I am to preach ? Why call it a meeting ]" I answer, : Because that suits my design best. First, It is less ostenta- tious. Secondly, It leaves mo at liberty to speak more or lees, as-I feel myself led. Thirdly, It gives less offence to those who watch for it. Others object, " Why, youra is a Quaker call ; why then do you not join them at once ? You are an offence to us. Go to the people whose call is the same is your own ; here nobody can bear with you." I answer, Though I believe the Quakers have still a good deal of God among them. yet, I think the Spirit of the Lord is more at work among the Methodists ; and while I see this, though they were to toss me about as a football, I would stick to them like a leech. Besides, 94 THE LIFE OF [PART III. I do nothing but what Mr. Wesley approves ; and as to reproach thrown by some on me, what have I to do with it, but quietly go forward, saying, I will be still more vile, if my Lord requires it 7 Indeed for none but thee, my Lord, would I take up this sore cross. But thou hast done more for me. O do thy owr will upon me in all tilings ! Only make me what thou wouldet have me to be ! Only make me holy, and then lead me as thou wilt! August, 1777. I heard Mr. Wesley preach from these words, " Dearly beloved, as strangers and pilgrims, abstain from flesh- ly lusts which war against the soul." A sweet discourse it was, showing the great danger of every earthly gratification. This lesson, he said, might be learned even from the body. As often as we take down food, we swallow so many seeds of death, by causing so many more particles of earth to adhere to, and clog our vessels, and so hasten our dissolution. And with- out great watclifulness so it would be with our souls. If we were not on our guard, human comforts received would also bring the soul nearer to death, instead of being a step to life. It is truly said of worldly joy, " It does with powwful charm hold down the mind, and sensualize the soul." Sunday noon. I heard him on these words, "If thou canst . believe, all things are possible to him that believeth." His strength was wonderful, and much power attended the word Lord, be the strength of thy dear servant, and his portion for ever ! At night he lodged with us. August 14. Last night dear Mr. Wesley came here again. After supper he read a letter from Lady Maxwell, in which she expresses a most sweet state of soul ; observing, that if the name of Jesus is but mentioned, her heart is like the key of a well tuned instrument, when its unison is touched. O how sweet a progress has she made ! Lord, let me do so likewise I Last Thursday Mr. Wesley preached at Daw Green, on " I will give to every one of you according to your works." First,. he considered, What were the works. Secondly, What the reward. The works, he said, were threefold. First, What the man is. Secondly, What he does. Thirdly, What he suffers 1. All he is, that is right, shall have its reward : all " the fruit of the Spirit, love, joy, peace, long suffering, meekness, pa- tience, faith, self-denial, fortitude ;" all these are the worK of God, and all received through Christ, above all, love, which is the image of God. 2. A ;i he does , all his works of piety and mercy, all that is wrought in faith ; iiay, the most common labours of his daily business, if done in a spirit of sacrifice, shall not be forgotten ; for it is said of servants, by the Apostle, for their encouragement, that when they " obey and serve men with singleness of heart, they serve the Lord Jesus Christ.'' 3, All he suffers. Not one cross taken up in obedience to tht PART III.] MRS. FLETCHER. 95 will of God, but it shall have its reward. But what is the reward? First, The very nature of each grace necessarily brings its reward. The more faith, patience, courage, and perseverance, the more holiness will be brought into the soul, and consequently, the soul will be rendered more like God, and more capable of fellowship with him : and in proportion to our fellowship with God must be our happiness. But besides these, there is a reward of infinite free mercy (over and above what flows from inherent holiness) bestowed on each grace, and on each action done for God, and each cross borne for his sake. I felt it come with power to my soul. O for a full devoted- ness to tkee, my God ! I see I am quietly to wait on thee, though my crosses are very heavy in many ways. But the will of the Lord be done ! September 12. This day thirty-eight years I was born. Solemn thought! O how far have I spent these thirty-eight years for God ] What is my situation, outward and inward 1 Outward it is very trying ; my circumstances are very perplex- ing. But I hold fast my former promises. " Christ charges himself with all thy temporal affairs, while you 'charge your- self with those that relate to his glory." I am determined to make Zion my chief care, though I know not what the Lord s about to do with me. I have a great family, and not an income left sufficient to keep them, which obliges me to sink something every year. The business hurts, instead of helping ; and though Mr. *** is sure it will the next year do far other- wise, I cannot believe it. It appears to me deliverance will begin by bringing me out of this place, dividing the family, and contracting my wide spread cares into one, viz. the cause of God only. But how this will be brought about I know not ; for though I keep putting out the children as fast as they grow up, yet that is attended with much expense, and I have many grown persons whom I know not how to provide for, nor find any way to dispose of. They are good sincere souls, and they live to God. Some of them also are very weak in body, and advanced in years. When I have settled all the accounts, 1 arn led to believe, it will be the order of God for me to go down to Bath and Bristol for six months. Nine months ago I got a fall, which hath ma May. I wrote and sent to my Wednesday nights' meeting, (consisting of about fifty persons, who meet at Cross Hall,) the following letter . PART HI.] MRS. FLETCHER. 9>9 "Though various occupations in my Master's work have rendered ray pen for a longer time silent than I at first intended, I can assure you with a pleasing sincerity, my heart has often been warmed when pleading before the throne in your behalf. Very dear are all the followers of the Lord to me in every place ; but my little company on Wednesday nights will ever hold a peculiar place in my heart. I also include the spreading branch in Wakefield. May lively grace rest on you all ! and may you ever adorn your profession as a company of the choicest followers of the bleeding Lamb ! Many here inquire, ' How goes on your Wednesday nights' meeting?' There is a general belief of great life in Yorkshire. In this your fame is gone out into other churches. Oh how alarming the thought ! 'What manner of persons ought ye to be in all holy conversa- tion and godliness ! A city set on a hill cannot be hid.' Either a ray of light, or a shade of darkness, will reflect from every professor. Adorable Jesus, fill us with that jealous, just con- cern, that our light may never become darkness ! In order to prevent this, let the most strict and ardent watchfulness keep your eye and heart for ever fixed on 'the Lamb who taketh away your sins !' For it is by those believing views that all the streams of consolation, wherewith our souls are replenished and refreshed, are given. I would have you praise the Lord for me, and therefore 1 tell you, I have, and do prove him to be a God of faithfulness and truth. " The account uf a Jewess in this city may perhaps help your rams of praise to rise a little higher. I will therefore give it you in the best manner my memory will afford. "She was born in Germany.' Her father was a famous Jew rabbi. He gave her a good education, and brought her up very :ctly according to the laws of the Jews. When she was about eighteen she found a strong inclination to come to Eng- land. This her parents much opposed, as they could well provide for her, and could see no reason why she should leave her native country. But she had no rest in her spirit while in Germany - so at last they gave consent that the should visit their own people in England. Thev gave her a handsome sum of money, and sent her off with their blessing, in company with some :ends. She continued to live some time in England, till at length she was cheated out of the greatest part of her money bhe was then reduced to many hardships, and after a time went as a servant into a Jew's family. Her mistress liked her g u e t' and U8ed her as one of hei " OWR cll 'l dr en. Here she thought her lot was cast in a fair portion, for she loved her mistress, and rejoiced to do her service. But after a short time a great change took place. Her mistress was awakened t> a sense of the things of God, and Li the end found 'there was no name under heaven whereby she could be saved, but the 100 THE LIFE OF [PART III. name of Jesus Christ.' This grieved the young woman beyond expression. She now hated her mistress, as much as before she had loved her ; and very often her behaviour corresponded with the feelings of her heart. The arrows of conviction, however,, now began to fasten on her also ; and oft she reasoned with herself, saying, What a difference there is between my mis- tress and me ! If I had such a servant I would turn her off at once. But my mistress seems all love since she believed in Jesus Christ as the Messiah ; but I am ah 1 hatred. Besides, she is happy, always happy, while I am always miserable. Then again, she would start at the thought, and say, What t am I going to leave the true religion ? Oh no ! I will never believe in Christ. I will pray to the true Messiah. Then she would go up to the top of the house, and (as she thought) looking toward Jerusalem, would cry, ' O Lord Jehovah, hear me ! Thou hast done great wonders for our people, and fo? our nation ; and when we were in the hands of our enemies, thou didst send deliverance for thy chgsen people Israel. O hear me ! thou God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and send us our Messiah, that he may take away our misery ! Then ' shall kings be our nursing fathers, and queens our nursing mothers,' and 'we shah 1 be restored again to our former privileges !' It would then come to her mind, Jesus Christ, whom you despise, is the very and true Messiah ! But that thought she thrust away with fear. " One night she went to bed in great distress, and dreamed she was walking on a common, and that a man came up to her whom she knew to be Jesus Christ. She looked on him, and between hope and fear said, 'Tell me, are you my Messiah?' He answered, ' I am your Messiah.' Yet she drew back, and was afraid to believe. In the morning she knew not what to think. Wherever she went she seemed always to see Christ as hanging on the cross ! And in her own soul felt so deeply the sentence of death, that she seemed to have no hope of saf- vation. At last she told the Lord, one day, she could almost believe, and if he would give some sign, she thought she should hold out no longer. The sign which God gave to Israel, through Samuel's prayer, came strongly to her mind, as she waited before the Lord her soul then struggling between faith and unbelief. It was at that time rather cold weather; but the Lord was pleased, before the --lose of the day, to send a storm of thunder and lightning, whic;; terrified her beyond expression. While she was on her knees, i-xpecting every moment to drop into hell, (which she now clearly felt she deserved,) she cried to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to hear and save her! God did hear. Glory be to his free mercy, he made her to feel, 1 None but Jesus could do helpless sinners good !' In the same. TART HI.] ittRS. FLETCHER. 101 moment she felt his blood applied, and shouted aloud the praises of her Messiah ! "Prom this time she continued happy in the love of God. She then became sensible of the stirrings of inbred sin, from which she had no thougnt of ever being delivered till she should lay down the body. I found much blessing in conversing with her ; and after the first time, she was much stirred up to seek a farther salvation. For some weeks she was tossed between hope and fear. One day as 1 was meeting brother Sims's class, she seemed uncommonly oppressed with unbelief, yet she pleaded, ' O ! can it be possible that I should be wholly deli- vered from anger, and live in a place where I have ten children to look after ]' 1 recommended her to look to Jesus, who could and would ' save her to the uttermost.' Several of us walked home together. As she was praying inwardly, and meditating on the all-sufficiency of the Saviour, sister Tripp said, ' God kept Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, in the fire, and why not you !' She answered nothing, but pondered the words in her heart. When she got home, she began to consider, He really did keep the three children in the furnace ! And he can keep me from anger. As she strove to believe, her faith grew stronger and stronger, till she could cast the full weight of her soul on Jesus, as her uttermost Redeemer. O my friends, praise the Lord !" Cross Hall, September 12. This day I am thirty-nine years . O that I might live to Thee more than ever ! What have I either done or suffered for thee, in this last year 1 As to the state of my soul, I trust I am nearer to God than before I went my journey. But I am still a dull scholar in thy school. I want that full baptism of the Spirit : God's promise to all believers. Mr. *** is very kind and helpful to me in the care of my temporal affairs ; but what my trials are, none but God knows. To-day I was blessed in praying for him, with that word : " I will bless them that bless thee !" Amen ! Amen ! Sunday, November 15. This day I found a blessing in put- ting in practice some resolutions I had formed for my daily walk. At seven we set out for Daw Green, where we had a good meeting. O what a desire did I feel for that people, while I was speaking on that word, " The Lord thy God is a jealous God!" March 26, 1779. This day I s^t apart as a fast, to lay before the Lord the following particulars: 1. My present situation. '2. To ask for wisdom how to walk before my family. 3. For more of his love. 4. For a blessing on my journey to . 5. For my relations. On the whole it has been a good day. As to the first petition, my present situation, I found much power and liberty in believing God would undertake and appoint me some deliverance ; yea, entire deliverance, in his own time 9* 102 THE LIFE OF [PART lit. and in his own way ; and I had more faith, I think, than ever before' ; yet, it was mixed with sweet resignation. 2. How to walk with wisdom before my family. I felt a great pleading for this, and some encouragement, that I should yet " adorn the Gospel." The third, For more love. I felt freedom in asking it. The fourth, For a blessing on the few days I am to spend at . I feel much of the cross in this adventure ; yet, 1 think 1 must do it, and God will be with me. As to the fifth. I could find no particular opening, only a willingness to do, be, or suffer, any thing for their good. Perhaps the time has not yet come. The third time I went to prayer, all seemed swal- lowed up in that petition ; Lord, give me " the love that never faileth." . Wednesday in Passion Week. I have this day offered my. self up afresh to the Lord, as a whole burnt sacrifice. O give me that situation, those friends, those comforts, or crosses, which will best stand with thy own glory ! 'Tis all I ask 'tis all my choice. May 21. Lord, my thirsty soul crieth after thee ; I long for a fuller deliverance. Last night I met the old members of the W. band, and a sweet time we had ; the Lord was very gra-. cioue in helping his unworthy worm, and gave me, I believe, to speak to his glory. Since I returned from my journey to , I have been much drawn out in praise. O how good was the Lord ! He made hard things easy, and was better to me than either my fears or wishes. To-day when at prayer, I had a sight of the necessity of contemplation ; I mean, of labouring to keep the mind on spiritual things, and to consider and weigh the word of God, his love, his fulness ! "Love without end, and without measure, grace !" August, 1780. O Lord, how peculiar are thy ways toward me ! What w.ouldst thou have me to do 1 Here I am ; com- mand what thou wilt. Bring me to a state of poverty, reproach, a workhouse, or what thou wilt, only let me not mistake my way. It is true I have more than I owe, and as yet an income for life, enough for myself. But I cannot support these ex- penses and losses. And yet it seems I cannot get deliverance from them ! Every answer to prayer is only " Stand still and see my salvation." Lord, I am ready to do so ; but all cry out. " It is madness not to do something." And yet thou seemest to frustrate all I attempt. I strive to save in every thing, and many ways I have tried to do so ; but unless all did the same, it makes little difference. When I attempt new things of the kind, various difficulties arise ; and some are apt to say, " Save in something else ; you do not run out in this !" The other day a friend said he was desired to ask me, " I . I did not do wrong in spending so much time on the sick poor ? In making medicines, clothes," &c ? And **** said, " It ie a PART HI.] MRS. FLETCHER. 103 poor way of spending your time thus, for the bodies of the people. If that is your call, it is a mean call!" I have*pon- dered the thought ; and having set apart a day for fasting and prayer, the result of my most serious reflections were as follows : What was my setting out, or first light ? Why, from seven years old, (the first time I felt a spark of faith,) my conviction was, not to be conformed to the customs, fashions, and max- ims of the world ; and my frequent prayer was, as a little manuscript now by me proves, Lord, bring me out from among the ungodly ! Cast my lot with the poor who are rich in faith; and make me to have my delight with the excellent of the earth. And then I will not complain for toil, poverty, or reproach. When I was seventeen, my desires after holiness began to deepen, and I found a particular call to a farther dedication of my soul to God, in those words of St. Paul to Timothy, descrip- tive of the character of those women, who in the primitive church were chosen as deaconesses, "If she have lodged strangers, if she have brought up children, if she have washed the saints' feet, and diligently followed after every good work." -When I was twenty-one, being brought to the choice of my own manner of life, I was enabled in a degree to follow the plans thus formerly laid down. As to my present way of life, of which a visiter had said a few days ago, " I think, madam, your call is a strange one, to the care of cows and horses, sheep and pigs ;" referring to my farm, I considered, I am by the order of Providence made mistress of a great family, and in straitened circumstances. There is therefore occasion for all my care and management, otherwise the embarrassment would be much greater. And it is good for the uncommon pride of my nature, to bow before that word, " In the sweat of thy brow shalt thou eat bread." It is true, I have bread enough for myself; but having joined the interests of so many with my own, I am willing to act thus, that they may have bread too. The Lord hath been pleased, also, to enable me to help the sick : this calls for some labour, and some small expenses in preparing and applying the medi- cines : but many souls have been blessed, and several brought to God thereby. Some rich persons, to whose ear I could never have had access, have, through the belief that I could help their bodies, admitted the closest application to their souls : so that I dare as soon cut off my right hand as bury this trifling talent in a napkin. The souls under my ror>f also call for more diligent care than I am conscious I bestow upon them ; and though some say, " I do not regard as any thing what you do for the family, that is only burying yourself in one house ;" yet I see it my duty, and I must apply thereto. Again, I believe I should strive to get at the neighbours wh 104 THE LIFE OF [PART III. live within my knowledge, and do good to their souls, if I can. To tfiis it is replied, " You spend too much time on one neigh- bourhood." But perhaps I shall soon be called to leave this neighbourhood, and this family, and then I shall not repent of that application. I am also called to keep together some pre- cious meetings, in which the work of God flourishes, and to go sometimes to meet others in more distant places ; as well as to write many letters on the concerns of the soul. And now I ask, Lord, am I in my place or not ? To which it seemed my conscience gave the following answer : The surest mark of true piety, is to fill up the duties of our own station with the utmost fidelity. We may plan fine schemes, talk of many jour- neys, and see ourselves converting whole worlds, but in these airy phantoms there is much danger of self having a great mix- ture. Whereas in the application to the order of God, in the present time, as it opens itself from moment to moment, there is no room for choice. I have heard good people say, " I am weary of life, because of the burdens which I have to bear. I want to spend all my time in a more excellent way." And yet as soon as they throw off one burden, the Lord finds them an- other. But the soul truly devoted to God finds no oppressive burden in the opening of the present moment, which shows the divine order of his providence, and brings with it, to the resign- ed soul, both light and power either to act or suffer. In a low degree I find that to be my case. I am called to work ; and therein I fulfil my covenant not to complain of toil, although my wages seems to be put into a bag full of holes. I cannot have ray own choice herein ; nor do I complain of poverty. Thus I am often upbraided for walking in that order, in which, (till I can get out of it,) undoubtedly the Lord has placed me. I sink under his yoke, and if I can but keep free from impa- tience or discouragement, I may fulfil his will, and shall not eomplain of reproach. But, alas ! I do too often admit discou- ragement, and am ready to cry out, " Ah ! whither or to whom shall I, Par from these woes, for kind protection fly V Yet something says in my heart, a time is at hand when the Lord will bring me out of these deep waters, and I am deter- mined to stand still and see his salvation. November. Last night I was led to pray much for a spirit- ual mind, both sleeping and waking. I went to bed recollected. I dreamed I was sitting up in bed with the Bible in my hand. I saw two shining appearances, but no distinct form. The ap- pearance was as the heads of two glorious persons, and a ray of light came from them on the book in my hand, in which I was enabled to discover something which quite delighted me, and I cried out, O had I known this before, I should have PART III.] MRS. FLETCHER. 105 made the whole house ring with shouts of praise ! I then saw all around ray bed a beautif id garden filled with evergreens, and on each tree, and on the ground, lay something like a light frost. I wondered at that, till these words came to my mind, " The dew shall lie all night upon thy branches !" 1 then cried out, O what a delightful scene ! What a lovely prospect ! Here shall I for ever rest ! I then threw my soul with such a divine confidence on the Lord Jesus, as I think I never did before, and in that act I awaked. I could not recollect what the delightful discovery in the Bible was ; but a fuller sense of God than ever before has rested on my soul. January 11, 1781. Many mercies have I seen within these three or four days. Nothing is so good to me, as to meet every thing in the will and order of God ; abandoning myself, soul, body, and family, into his hands, believing he will order all right. I find many convictions about my household. I am not a faithful head. I neither lead them by example, instruction, or reproof, as I ought. Lord, teach me how to go in and out before this people ! I seem to have an impression that I shal" not long remain with them. I seem to see another place, and another people, which 1 am called to ; and outward things confirm the impression. One thing I have" been very faulty in during the last year, I have not risen early with any degree of constancy ; and that is a general loss both to my own soul and my family. O Lord ! when shall I be " all glorious witbiK, and my clothing of wrought gold?" January 13. I have been to-day a good deal drawn out in prayer. My exercises as to outward things are very great. I have a most narrow path to walk in ! I am called to live by faith indeed. As I was at prayer this morning, I was led to ask of the Lord that he would bring me out of all my difficulties iii his own way. Certainly the whole earth is the Lord's ; and I asked of him such a situation in life as will most glorify him- self. It was brought before me, Perhaps that will be by bringing you to entire poverty. I asked my heart, Am I willing on that condition to be made holy 1 And I felt I could say, " Yes, Lord, yes." Again, the thought was suggested, But perhaps to a parish house, while your income goes each year for your debts 1 I answered, Thy will be done ! It was then represented, as if I was on a common side, dying, destitute of every human help or comfort. In that I felt great sweetness. But the sorest stroke was still behind : What if you shoidd die in debt, and leave nothing to pay? and so through you the Gospel be reproached ? This came the nearest of all ; but it was clearly shown me, That the fear of the Gospel being blamed, often arose from our fear of personal reproach ; for as to the truths of God, he would take care of them ; and if I was really wrong, it would be for the glory of God to have it made manifest ; and 106 THE LIFE OF (PART III. if he was but glorified, my soul was content. Certainly, thought I, if it was in my power to break off my expenses, it would be right so to do ; and I do right in contriving every way I can toward it. But as all my endeavours are always frustrated, I see no way but to cast myself on the will of God, and embrace, as his will, poverty, and deep reproach ; and still continue to believe in the promises, till I see, even by the time of my death, that there has not been an accomplishment of them. Perhaps after all I am right. Perhaps the day will come (impossible as it now appears) when / shall have plenty of silver, and then the light shall indeed shine on my way. Next June I shall be fourteen years from Laytonstone ; and the September following I shall be forty-two years old. It may be that soon after that time deliverance may appear. The words rested on my mind, " By the way that thou wentest, by that way shalt thou return." Lord, thou knowest what they mean ; but I see all sorts of crucifixions are needful for me. O my hard heart ! what need hath it had of breaking ! February 15. When I was at Leeds some time since, I had much proof of the goodness of God in many ways. On the whole it was a journey for good. I heard a dream of a good woman while there, which was made a blessing to me. She thought she was dying, and felt her soul leave the body. Im- mediately she found herself standing in the presence of God ! Jesus appeared to her as seated on a white throne ! He beck- oned to her with his hand, and said, Come up hither. When she was by his side, she saw many of the saints with the angels. Among them was William Bramah ; he shone very bright. Some others she knew also. Our Lord then pointed to the crowns of some saints still on earth, and she understood, by the appearance of some of those crowns, that the persons were in great temptation. Our Lord and the glorious company seem- ed to sympathize greatly with them, and when by faith they conquered, a jewel was added to the crown, and the whole shone brighter ! But every time they gave way to any corruption, a gem dropped out, and the whole crown turned dark ! SoW- times there seemed joy in Jieaven over them ; sometimes a kind of mourning. She sat some time in sweet delight, and then awaking, found with amazement she was still in the body ! I am going to . It is a fine opportunity for speaking to a number of the most lively souls, out of various societies, end they begin to inquire all around when I will come. O my God, how these things break rne to pieces ! What an unworthy worm ! If they knew me, how would they be astonished, that the Lord should work by such a one as I ! But thou canst do whatever seemeth thee good ! March 20,-r-I have been poorly lately with a complaint in my eyes ; I can write a little. The cold this winter has beer PART HI.] MRS. FLETCHER. 107 very severe, and I have felt it much. But O how am I indulged ! A good house, a bed fit for a king, plenty of fire, food, &c ! \vhile many of my Father's children know almost the want of all things ! I was much affected the other day when the preacher left our house. I thought, if I had in this snow and wind to ride over the moors, and through deep lanes, as he has, I could not sit on my horse. Truly I count it a great honour to be per- mitted to contribute in the least to their necessities ! O let m. Clapham, will doubt either the truth of her declaration, or the sobriety of oti mind. ED. 10 110 THE LIFE OF [PART IV, pious lady, who had first recommended her to me, stating that she would take her back and maintain her. All was now so far settled, that I did not need to sell Lay- tonstone estate. My income would afford to allow the pious souls of my dispersed family fifty-five pounds per year ; pay the interest of the money still owing ; and yet leave me such an annual sum as was about ' equal to my dear Mr. Fletcher's income ; and in case of my death, there was in Laytonstone more than would pay all. So on Monday, the 12th of November, 1781, in Batley church, we covenanted in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and 'of the Holy Ghost, "To bear each other's burdens," and to become one for ever. We agreed it would be best to leave all our furniture, except a few trifles, to be sold with the house. Pine would do for us as well as mahogany. I felt some attachment to my neat fur- niture ; but love to the order of God made me take the spoil- ing of them very cheerfully. The money was not to be paid in immediately for the estate ; we were, therefore, rather at a loss to settle all our accounts before we left the place, and to give that assistance to our friends we wished to do. On an exact calculation, we found a hundred pounds were wanting. We laid it before the Lord ; and the next post I received a letter from my youngest brother, with a bank note of one hun- dred pounds inclosed, as a present ; though he knew nothing of our particular want, nor had I the least reason to expect his assistance, except the extraordinary communication by Mrs. Clapham, which I have related. On January 2, 1782, we set out for Madeley. But O ! where shall I begin my song of praise 1 What a turn is there in all my affairs ! What a depth of sorrow, distress, and perplexity, am I delivered from ! How shall I find language to express the goodness of the Lord! Not one of the good things hath failed me of all the Lord my God hath spoken. Now I know no want, but that of more grace. I have such a husband as is in every thing suited to me. He bears with all my faults and failings in a manner that c&>tinually reminds me of that word, " Love your wives as Christ loved the church." His constant endeavour is to make me happy ; his strongest desire my spi- ritual growth. He i^, in every sense of the word, the man my highest reason chooses to obey. I am also happy in a servant, whom I took from the side of her mother's coffin, when she was four years old. She loves us as if we were her parents, and is also truly devoted to God. Madeley, Shropshire. May 30, 1782. Where shall I begin, or how recount thy faithfulness, O my God ! Oh ! " What is man that thou art mindful of him!" Above all, what am I, most sinful dust and ashes, that thou hast made my cup to rur PART IV.] MRS. FLETCHER. Ill over above all I could think or wish for ! O for holiness ! Lord, let me be thine, and doubly thine for ever ! O the fears which filled my soul before and after our mar- riage ! but how causeless have they all proved ! I have the 1 kindest and tenderest of husbands ; so spiritual a man, and so spiritual a union, I never had any adequate conception of. He is every way suited to me, all I could wish.* The work among souls increases. I feel it is the Lord who hath cast my lot here. For some months I suffered much through fears of various kinds ; all my situation being changed, I feared I should not be equal to the task allotted me, and that I should not be able to please the people " for their good." But Oh ! had I in every trial but believed all the way through, how sweetly might I have gone on ! Now I see what a gracious Providence hath superintended all ! " Praise the Lord, O my soul ; and all that is within me, praise his holy name !" June 7. What a deliverance hath the Lord wrought for me ! A year ago, I thought there was nothing before me (temporal- ly) but ruin. This day twelve months, I cried out, " Thou hast not delivered thy people at all." How wonderful a chain of providences ! As soon as we determined to marry in a fort- night, and leave the event to the Lord, the house and all was sold in ten days, and a way made for every one ! But wanting a hundred pounds more to get out of that situation, we prayed the Lord to appear in our behalf, and immediately my youngest brother supplied our every need, though he knew not any thing of our necessity. * " In all my ways thy hand I own ! Thy ruling providence I sec." September 12. I have seen forty-three years ! Lord, to what purpose ! Most of this day I have spent in secret prayer ; yet my soul is rather sorrowful. I have a variety of people and different calls of God to attend unto ; and I seem to want more wisdom, light, and love. My spiritual sphere of action is dif- ferent. I nave in many respects ^ wider call for action than before ; but such a one as requires the momentary teaching of the Lord, both in conversing and writing Yet I do not feel all that I felt at Hoxton. No, I do not ; i live by faith as I did then. But I lie before thee, O Lord ! ijo all thy will on thy poor creature, for whom thou hast appeared in so marvellous a manner ! October. The animating example of my dear husband stirs me up much. What a spiritual life does he live night and * Mr. Wesley observes in a letter to the late Mrs. Rogers, at that time (Decem her 9, 1781) Miss Roe, "I should not have been willing that Miss Bosanquet should have been joined to any other person than Mr. Fletcher ; but I trust she HWf be as useful with him as she was before." See his Works, vol vii 112 , THE LIFE OF [PART IV. day he is always on the stretch for God. I am a good deal encouraged for the people. I have much liberty in meeting them, and my soul feels sweet fellowship with some among them. November 1. I feel the care which a new place, and a new situation, is apt to bring on, and it disturbs the peace which should be kept in my soul. " Lord, increase my faith !" There are many peculiar circumstances in our affairs, and strangers are concerned therein ; but in the end I have found it all work for good ; it has been to me a good and useful lesson. First, I find it a cause of rejoicing that I have found so much love to the persons concerned in it ; and secondly, while I was pray- ing about it, it seemed as if the Lord showed me, as immedi- ately from himself, that I was not required to have any anxious care, but that doing as well as I could, I might leave all to God. And if still I could not have things as I would wish, that it was the most profitable cross in the world ; for it may be helpful to the soul, after doing all we can, to appear a -fool in the eyes of men. Those words also bore much' on my mind : " Fix on his work thy constant eye, So shall thy work be done." I now felt a sweet calm waiting on the will of God, and I could say, Lord, I leave every thing to thee ! " One only care my soul shall know!" As I was telling the whole affair to my dearest husband, he said, "Polly, do not encumber yourself for my sake. If we must be thought ignorant and awkward, let us submit to it. I require nothing of thee, my Polly, but to be more and more devoted to God." November 12. Glory ! unceasing glory to my adorable Lord I This day we have been married one year. O how does my soul praise God for his gracious providence ! What a help- mate is he to me, and how much better do we love one another this day, than we did this day twelve months ! On a close examination, I have reason to believe my soul is coming for- ward. I have seen this ye%r many and great changes, had many trials and many comforts, and I have learned much experience in various things, which lias been much blessed to me. O for the moment when I shall become a whole burnt sacrifice ! Having had some hurry by means of unexpected company staying in the house, and some other things, and reflecting how hard it is to keep up uninterrupted communion with God in outward hurry, it was opened before me, That the very spirit of the Christian life stood in the strictest observation or' these words : " If a man offend not in tongue, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body." Now y for want of this watchfulness, I offend often, and that causes PART IV.J MRS. FLETCHER, 113 distraction of spirit, and much hurt many ways. If I had a more constant waiting, a more continual attention to the Spirit of God, I believe I should find much more room for silence than I usually do ; and that when it was my duty to speak, my words would have more weight. O my God, bring me to this by the way that thou knowest ; give me a watchful mind ! An eye always fixed on thee, and a far deeper sense of thy sacred pre- sence ! I also want a greater power of faith to lead on these precious souls that are under my care to more abundant life. Many are now just on the river's brink, but it seems they want a better helper to assist in bringing them over. May 21, 1783. This day has been a day of trial. In the morning as I walked out about six o'clock, Mr. ***'s letter of last night came with pain to my mind. I do not like the good that is in my dearest Mr. Fletcher to be evil spoken of. Before dinner I strove to get near to God, but having been up most of last night, I was very heavy. In the afternoon I could do but little, but 1 stiove to pray. That passage in Mr. Wesley's Notes on the First Epistle of St. John, was much blessed, and very sweet to me. " Love is the beginning of eternal life. The same in substance with glory." Also St. John's words, " He that abideth in him sinneth not." I saw love comprised all in itself. For two hours I was led to lie before the Lord, though with many distractions, yet mingled with faith and long- ing desire. O when wilt thou take up in me thine everlasting abode ! May 22. I have this day been engaged in company, and sweetly met the order of God therein. I was enabled to be watchful ; and blessed be God, my tongue has been kept. We took sweet counsel together, and I felt the Lord was the director of all within and without. August 5. Since the above, (May 22,) what have I seen of the goodness of the Lord ! A fever lias been in the parish, which took off many whom we saw it our duty to attend. It brought eternity very near, and that always does me good. It came into our family ; and Sally was attacked with it. But my gracious God supported me under all burdens, and raised her up again in a wonderful manner. Soon after her recovery, Dr. Coke came in his way from Dublin. When I heard he was below, I felt an unusual spring of pleasure, with something of a. conviction that he brought a message from the Lord. I instantly felt a spirit of submission, and as it were a listening to the will of God. So I have often felt when some conviction of fresh duty was about to be made plain to me. A few days before this, as 1 was one morning at prayer, I thought of one of our neighbours, (a speaker among the Friends,) who was gone to Ireland. It was suggested, Should I be called thither, could I resolve to go ? It really seemed I could not. The sea* 10* 114 THE LIFE OF [PART IV, to me ever terrible, appeared then doubly so, and I groaned under the thought, where is faith and resignation 1 When we came into the parlour, we found the Doctor had brought some letters from Dublin to each of us, by which it seemed the cloud moved that way. We said but little then, but went to church, where the Doctor preached. Before we came out, my soul was all readiness to go to the world's end, if my adorable Lord so ordered it. When we came home, I followed my dear to his study, and told him if he saw it his call to go, I saw it mine to follow him. He tenderly objected my health, as I had been very poorly some time,'and in such a state of relaxation, that I waked for several mornings with blood in my mouth ; but I believed that was not to hinder. Since that day we have been preparing for our jour- ney ; and I have enjoyed some communion with God in so doing. Satan is not wanting to suggest every thought that can raise fear. One day I was thinking, what would save me from all painful fear? If the Lord was to give me a promise of our safe return, that my dear husband's health should not be hurt, and that we should have much success when there, would that do ! I hesitated, and my confidence seemed to be shook by temptation. I then thought, What will enable me to drink this cup to the glory of my Lord 1 My heart presently answered, Nothing but an entire* resignation ; a losing of my whole will in that of we cii,n learn, my dear Mr. Fletcher was born on the same day ten years before me. And why were we ever brought into being? Here is the comfortable answer: "I have created thee for my glory : 1 have formed thee for my praise !" O let iu answer that design for ever ! Many were my conflicts before we set out for this place. At PART IV.] MRS. FLETCHER. 115 one time it was represented to me, that when we were on th watery element, the prince of the power of the air would exert all his efforts against us. As the thought presented, in a mo- ment those words sprang up in my heart : " We shall be safe, for Christ displays Superior power and guardian grace." The Lord gave me to see the whole universe so under hi command, as I cannot express. I saw him as " holding the winds in his fist," and " the waters in the hollow of his hand." And th^sooner all nature should change, than one of God's promises fail. I am naturally inexpressibly fearful, with all sorts of fear, beyond what words can paint ; and it was often represented, if I went among strangers, I should, by that weak- ness, bring much discouragement on the feeble ones of the flock. But the instance of Gideon was brought before me, and I was made to feel, The Lord can get himself glory by the weakest worm ; and my heart answered, O will Divine, which I adore and love ! what a rest there is to be found in thee ! Well, in this will, with the prayers and blessing of many of our friends, on August the 12th we set off. As we drove from our own door, and my dear was commending us to the protec- tion of t*e Lord, that word rested on my mind with power, / am thy shield. When we passed the Birches, (where a few years ago that remarkable phenomenon occurred) Mr. Fletcher pointed out to me the roads and fields which wen- so lately covered with the river. We could not but be much amazed at the stupidity of the human heart. Most of the inhabitants seem almost to have forgotten the whole transaction ! and we were led to observe, how vain is the common objection to the mira- cles of our Lord, or to the sun standing still at Joshua's word, that they are not recorded in common history. Ah no ! That which does not take hold on the sinful affections, is soon lost and forgotten ! While we were conversing on the above sub- ject, we passed the Eaton Constadine, a little village rendered famous by the birth of that great servant of God, Mr. Baxter, with whose spirit we joined our feeble act of worship before the throne. At night we were affectionately received by Mrs. Glynne of Shrewsbury, whose love to the children of God does not grow cold. May He who hath promised the prophet's rewai t, repay iier in time and eternity. While my dear was preaching that night, on the danger of being ashamed of the Gospel, ~iy heart yearned toward the people of that place, and the cry of my spirit was, " O that these people might live before thee." The next morning we pursued our journey as far as Llangollen, in VV ales ; but all the horses being out, we were constrained to *bide there all night, Inquiring (as we walked about the town) 116 THE LIFE OF [PART IV, whether they had any praying people among them, the poor things answered us in the best manner they could ; and after consulting together, they said, " Yes, sir, there are some people who pray in houses at the other end of the town, but we do not know what they be." Another said, "This very night there is a man to preach in the chapel belonging to these pray- ing people." According to their direction we went to the place, and found a few poor people gathered in a building, I believe part of an old house. The preacher seemed very ear- nest and lively ; I say seemed, for we could not understand one word, except gogoniant, and gwaed, glory and blood ; which, with much emphasis, he often repeated. After we were return- ed to our inn, the few who could understand English came to us, and desired my dear to give them a sermon in the morning, which he did on these words : " This is his commandment, that we should believe on the name of his Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, as he hath given us commandment." It was a good time, and several were present who understood English. We then set off for Conway, and Friday afternoon reached Holyhead. Here, for some reasons, I wished to stop a little, and inquiring when a vessel would sail, we were informed not till next morning. Mr. Fletcher was but poorly. . A*Bwelling which he had on his face now broke, and gave him much incon- venience ; but on Saturday morning, we were informed that the packet was going off. Some of the people said, " The wind is quite contrary, you will have but a disagreeable passage ;" but believing it to be the order of God, we embarked. Now I remembered how the Lord had shown mo, " He measureth the waters in the hollow of his hand." The wind soon grew more favourable, and the sea so smooth, that it seemed to me as if I heard him say, Peace, be still ! Mr. Fletcher was not much affected by the sea, but I was very ill. About one o'clock on Sunday morning, we cast anchor three miles from Dublin. We then got into a boat, which was rather troublesome, as the tide kept it in continual agitation ; but through the goodness of the Lord we anived safe. After being hindered for sometime by the custom house otScers, we reached by five in the morning the hotel on Dublin quay. We n./vv abide with our hospitable friends, Mr. and Mrs. Smytb a William-street, and have seen much of the Lord's hand in uringing us hither. My dear husband has been favour- ed with such an unction in preaching the word, that it distils as the dew on the mown grass." The present preachers in Dublin, brothers Rutherford and Jackson, are truly simple, pious men, and respect that command, " In honour preferring one another." They heartily rejoice in the message my dear hus- band delivers among them. There are some spirits in this place in whom we find a deprne of the primitive simplicity, PART IV.] MRS. FLETCHER. 117 rejoicing to eee a stranger whom they believe the Lord has sent to be "a helper of their joy." I feel a. faith riveted in my heart, that before it is long there will be a great revival of the work of God in Dublin. I feel much liberty in meeting the classes. Here are a few souls truly athirst for full salvation, and many who inquire after the most excellent way. Our kind and generous host and hostess allow us all freedom in their house, for the glory of God, and the good of his people ; and as their servants also are pious upright .person;., we can here worship with them in calm and J^^ffy, October 30. How much of thy goodness, O my Godrnave I seen since I last wrote ! On the seventh of this month we left Dublin, and embarked in a Liverpool brig, bound for Holyhead. We had a long way to go in the boat, and about eight at night entered the vessel. The sea was then pretty smooth ; but in the night the wind grew high, and the captain thought the sea more swelling than he had seen it for some years. It was what they call very squally ; and we were extremely sick, far worse than in going. Those words, given me before I left home, were much on my mind : ' j% " And shall he not have. The life which he gave, So precious a ransom for ever to save V And also, " Though I remain in the uttermost parts of the sea, there shall his hand guide me, and his right hand shall hold me." I could not tell whether they were not a call to sacrifice our lives to Him, who had sacrificed his for us : but lay still before the Lord, in the spirit of resignation, saying, "Thy will be done." In going over, my dear husband's tender attention was a great alleviation to my suffering, but now we were both so ill, (as was also Sally,) we could scarce speak or look toward each- other, but only wait before the Lord, that all his will might be done. Toward morning, the pump told us the vessel was leaky, but it was in a small degree, and we were near las-; 3 . It served to remind us of that word, " There is but a step between me and death !" Since our return I have closely examined wha f r have lost or got in these last three months. I exceedingly praise the lx>rd that ever we went to Dublin, and that for variou., reasons. There are some souls there with whom my spirit found much fellowship ; at whose feet I sat, and, I trust, learned many iw- ful lessons. My dear Mr. Fletcher preached in several places besides the preaching house in Whitefriars-street, both to the French and English, and we had some remarkable proofs that 118 THE LIFE OF ,^ [PART IV. he was called there of God.* I have also learned more of my own weakness and ignorance. I know not I ever found a more humbling season than while I was there. My continual prayer was, Ah ! Lord, break me in pieces ! Melt me down and let me flow, and more fully take the mould divine ! My soul is deeply convinced of the need of being filled with " all the fruit of the Spirit," or I shall never bring glory to my God. O that thou wouldst accomplish all thy will upon me ! Since our return, my dear husband has taken another journey of about two hundred miles, from which he has a good deal suffered. His face is not yet well. But the unwearied patiecro and resignation wherewith he goes through all, is to me a con tinual lesson, which I wish to imitate. November 12. And do we see the anniversary of our bless- ed union yet another year '} And are we yet more happy and * Having visited Dublin soon after the departure of these servants of God, I can add my testimony to the groat and good effects which resulted from tkeir visit, and their truly evangelical labours. Never did I see such deep impressions made on the minds of that people, except, perhaps, in the very short visits of Mr. Wesley. But he had the care of all the churches, and was occupied with that care in every place. Mr. and Mrs. Fletcher had a liberty in that respect which our father in the Gospel could not have. They were the unencumbered helpers of tke people's joy ; and it was truly the joy of the Lord. Those divijjK impres- sions were deep and abiding : and, as Mrs. Fletcher hoped, a great^evival of pure religion followed in that society. It had usually consisted of about 500 per- sons, but it soon increased to upwards of 1,000, and has never since fallen below that number. Such longing after entire conformity to the Son of God, I never lioheld ! It seemed to be the general sentiment of all, from the highest to the lowest of the people. How wide this sacred influence might have extended, wlno can tell, if a poor sectarian spirit had not limited the labours of the man of God. On their arrival at Dublin, their host, Mr. Smyth, a distinguished and most, respect dble gentleman, applied to the rector of St. Andrew's parish (in which he lived,) for Mr. Fletcher to preach in his church, and as he was a beneficed minis- tor, it was immediately granted. The church (commonly called the Round Church] was crowded to excess. Mr. Fletcher's text was, Almost ll/ou persuad- cat me to be a Christian, Acts xxvi, 28. He showed what it was to be a Chris- tian, from the liturgy which had just been read ; beginning with the general con- cession, and the authoritative declaration of pardon to those 'who truly repent, nnd unfeignedly believe his holy Gospel ;" and going on to that " cleansing of oar hearts by the inspiration of his Holy Spirit, that we may perfectly love him, and worthily magnify his holy name, through Jesus Christ our Lord." He then proceeded to persuade them, with an earnestness and power that astonished the congregc\tion, some of whom seemed to doubt if he were not more than human But, alas ! It was soon known that Mr. Fletcher preached that same evening at the Methodist preaching house ! The pulpits of the churches wore immediately sJbrut against aim, with the exception of the French church. The first time he preached there , his text was, Call to remembrance the former days, in which, after ye were illuminated, ye endured a great Jight of afflictions, Hebrews x, 32. He thus brought before them the faith of their ancesjfe, and the pcrsecr. tions that had driven them from their native land, and strongly enforced the inquiry, Do ye now believe 1 When some of the people were asked, " Why did you go to the French church to hear Mr. Fletcher, when you could not under stand one word he said 1" They answered. " We went to look at him, for heavi> jwemedto team from hu countenance !" En. PART IV.] MRS. FLETCHER. 119 more tender toward each other? Yes, glory be to God! we are ; and what is better, I can truly say, our souls get nearer to God. We are more spiritual, and live more for eternity. What have we passed through together since this day twelve- month ! What a tender kind friend hath he proved himself to me in every circumstance of each situation ! And now Provi- dence hath so graciously brought us again to our own country, and quiet habitation. O that we may live to him more than ever. Yesterday I was much blessed in offering up my whole self, with all my concerns, into the hand of God, believing he would appoint me all my work, and all my crosses. He showed me he would make his will known to me through that of my dear husband, and that I was to accept his directions as from God, and obey him as the church does Christ. That I must give myself to his guidance as a child, and wherever we were called, or however employed in the work of God, I should always find protection, and glorify God, while I renounced all choice by doing the will of another rather than my own. This indeed I have always seen ; but it was now more deeply impressed on my heart, as I was assured there was no danger in doing so, having his guidance. I saw how often through that unaccount- able fear which presses down my spirit, I have been afraid to follow in the ways he hath pointed out, and so have hindered the order of God. Lord, from this day I covenant afresh to be in this particular at thy own disposal ! February 3, 1784. This day my convictions have been great- ly deepened concerning the sin ofunwatchfulness in the use of my tongue. We must be willing to be dumb, and not open our mouth, when God's order calls us to it; and to "be fools in the eyes of man, that we may receive the true wisdom. September 12. This day I am forty-five years old. Lord, what hath my setting sun to shine on 1 Must I say, A lost life ! Oh ! how much of it hath been so ! What might I have been ! What might I have done for thee, O God ! Yet this day I have had such a sense of the goodness of God toward me as I can- not express. I am filled with favours ! I have the best of husbands, who daily grows more and more spiritual, and I think more healthful, being far better than when we first married. My call is also so clear, and 1 have such liberty in the wor, and such sweet encouragement anu>ng the people. My servant too is much improved, and as faithful as if she T "as my own child. An income quite comfortable, and a good deal to help the poor witM^ O what shall I render to the Lord for all the mercies he hath shown unto me ! October. As I was retired this morning at my ten o'clock hour, I was called down to Mary G . I asked her if she fitill retained her spiritual liberty. I found by her answers thai 120 THE LIFE or [PART iv. she did, which caused me to praise the Lord. She gave me a strange account, which I shall insert as she related it. A short time ago, she said, she was one day going out to work in the fields, but thought she would first go up stairs to prayer. While on her kneee, praising God for the care he had taken of her children, she was amazed to see her eldest son, about twenty- one years old, standing before her ! She started up, but thought, May be it is the enemy to affright me from prayer. Casting her eyes again to the same spot, she still saw him there, on which she ran down into the kitchen, calling on the name of the Lord. Still wherever she looked, she saw him standing before her, pale, and as if covered with dirt ! Concluding from this that he was killed, she ran to her mother, who, on hearing the account, went directly to the pit, determined to have him home, if alive. On her drawing near the pit she heard a great tumult, for the earth had fallen in on him and two other men, and the people were striving to dig them out. At length he was got up alive and well, and came home to his mother, pale and dirty, just as she had seen him ! She then fell on her knees, and began praising that God who hears and answers- prayer ! Many of the ungodly neighbours having been witness to the whole transaction, are much affected, and I trust this very strange occurrence will work for good.* October. Yesterday I was very much taken up in house affairs. Various things occurred which would at sometimes have been a burden ; but every thing seemed blessed. These words were all day the language of my heart : " With thcc delighted I forget All time, and toil, and care ; . Labour is rest, and toil is sweet, If thou, my God, be there." It wae a day of prayer and sweet recollection. This day also i have found much of the presence of God. O for a power of self-denial in all things to do his will ! November 12. We have been married three years this day. A good day it has been to me ! My spirit has been much drawn out in prayer for a farther lift of faith, without which I am sen- sible I cannot obtain the fulfilment of that promise, " Her cloth- ing shall be of wrought gold !" As I was this day reflecting on the wonderful goodness of God in my providential union with my dear husband, (so far, so very far, beyond my warmest wishes,) my heart was enlarged with desire to render to my God a suitable return for ill his mercies ! I cried from the bottom of my soul to the Father, that he would draw rne to the Son ! I called on Christ as my living head ! It was a * Was not this extraordinary dispensation permitted for the good of these ignorant ungodly person*, who were not likely to be moved by more rations means ? ED PART IV.] MRS. FLETCHER. 121 peculiar season. These words have ever since abode on my mind : " See him to tby help come down, The excellence divin.." November 16. A thought struck my mind to-night, as I was looking over some part of my diary, That there is not praise enough for spiritual blessings. I express my wants, but I ought to praise the Lord without ceasing, that he gives me such an open door to pour out my wants into his bosom ; and the an- swers to prayer I have of late found, have been so quick, so certain, and so wonderful, I am amazed ! In July last, we believed the Lord called us to Yorkshire for a few weeks,* and many answers to prayer did we meet with ; n that journey. Soon after our return, my dear husband was called to take another journey. I knew he would meet with much fatigue therein ; and every journey hurts him much ; but I was amazed at the calm resignation I felt ; the language of my heart was, +** " Happy to meef, yet free to part, Through thee for ever one in heart." This autumn I have been a good deal among thef' people, and have found great liberty both in public and private meetings. Two dear souls have been lately brought in ; and though per- secution burns hot against them, they are yet firm, and rejoice that they " are counted worthy to suffer for the cause of Goo." Lord, keep them, and make them firm as the beaten anvil to the stroke ! Lord's day. My dear husband was very poorly, and had much appearance of a fever. In the morning meeting I told the dear women we must hold him up by prayer ; and indeed I felt our prayers had free access to the Lord. It would have wanned a heart of stone to have heard Mary Matthews give her simple, yet solid and wise declaration of the goodness of God. She had been a long time creeping hither with her sore leg ; but she seemed scarce to know which to praise God most for, the strength he had given her to do so, or the pain she had felt all the night before ! " For," said she, " if I bad not had pain, I should have slept. But instead of that, 1 had such a divine visit from my Lord, and such sweet intercourse with him, I would not have been without it for all the world. ' This woman grows much in grace ; she ie to me a great conb Jution, and a help in training up some of the lambs of the flock. She had been for some years in a mourning state, (though she still retained her faith,) but the first Sabbath my dear husband and * To attend the conference ; the last at which Mr. Fletcher was present. ED. 122 THE LIFE 0V [PART IT. I spoke in the kitchen, she was set at liberty while these words were sung : " The year of jubilee is come ! Return, ye ransoni'd sinners, home !" January 5, 1785. I have this day ben looking over my many mercies, and my heart was melted into love ! O what a prospect ! Lord, speak again to my heart, " Thou shall walk with me in white !" I cast my whole self on thy mercy ! So much I feel of it as makes me rest under thy shadow ! Thy will shall be my choice ! Sometimes I think I am so surround- ed with comforts. I shall not answer that character, " These are they which came out of great tribulation." But I abandon myself to thy dear will, only let me glorify thee to the utter- most ! Yea, with every power ! It was a good time last night also while at the prayer meeting. Yesterday I went with my dear husband to , but being taken ill, I was forced to return home. This is often the case with me. I am oft disappointed in what appears at first the will of God ; but at this time it was far otherwise. I felt a pleasure in appearing mean and good for nothing. Yes, I will glory in my infirmity, that the will of God may be done in me ! July 2. Much blessed to-day while my dear husband was preaching the sermon to the club. I had a sweet sight how union with God could transform the soul into his own image. July 26. This summer being dry, I have had much oppor- tunity of going about. One day at the Rough Park, I had a peculiar instance of the goodness of God. A son of Belial, a wicked, rude fellow, bound himself and another young man, whom he bad drawn in, under a blasphemous oath, that they would be there by the time we began, in order to make a dis- turbance. Accordingly about six o'clock, he was for setting off, when he was suddenly struck*as with death. All about him really thought he was dying. He continued thus for some hours. O how easily can the Lord put his bridle into the jaws of those he would restrain ! I gave it out to be 'there again that day fortnight, but in the meantime I walked to a distant place, rather beyond my strength ; however, we had a good time. On my return home, I felt very weary, and the thought passed my inmd, My soul is too swift for my body ; for it seem- ed as if it would fly to those places where there appeared a call. My earthly frame, however, was too heavy to drag after it. That night 1 began to grow ill, and it terminated in a fever. My limbs swelled a good deal, and I was covered with red spots ; but had not much pain. Now I had a fresh instance of the tender care and love of my blessed partner : sickness was made pleasant by his kind attention. When the day came for me to be at the Rough Park, he went himself, but was so pene- trated with the thought of losing me, that he preached as it PART IV.] MRS. FLETCHER. 123 were my funeral sermon ; and the . dear people joined him in his feelings and prayer. During this illness many thoughts passed my mind, which I can scarce account for. For a good while past my dear husband has joined with me in prayer in an uncommon manner. We are led to offer ourselves to do and suffer all the will of God. Something seems to tell me 1 must have more of the bitter cup ; and these words are much with me : " That I may stand in the evil day, and having done all stand." My prayer is, That the evil day may be before death, not at the last. But, Lord, thy icill thy whole will be done ! Certainly I have now scarce any cross. Thou hast made my cup to run over ! Yea, thou hast made me to forget all my sorrows. It seems as if I had never suffered any thing ! There is not a comfort 1 can wish for, which I have not ; but, Lord, I want more grace ! October 25. When I wrote last, (July 26,) I was indeed arrived at the summit of human felicity ! My cup did indeed run over ! I often said, Lord ! how is this 1 Am I indeed one of those of whom it is said, " These are they who came out of great tribulation ?" My way is strowed with roses. I am ready to say, with Joseph, " The Lord hath made me to forget all my afflictions, and all my father's house !" But Oh ! how shall I write it ? On the fourteenth of August, 1785, the dreadful moment came ! The sun of rny earthly joys for ever set, and the cloud arose which casts the sable on all my future life ! At half past ten that Sabbath night, I closed the eyes of my beloved ! What a change ! The whole crea- tion wears a new face to me. The posture of my mind at this season, I will not trust to my memory to describe. I will leave it in the rough manner I then set it down. Perhaps some on walking in the same dreary path may find a little comfort there- from. To others it may be^dry and insipid. " The heart know- eth its own bitterness." On September 15, 1785, I wrote in my diary as follows : " 1 am truly a desolate woman, who hath no helper but thee." 1 remember a little before the translation of my dearest love, we were drawn out continually to ask for a greater measure of the Spirit such a measure as was given at pentecost : or in other words, such a manifestation of the loving nature of God, as should fulfil in us that promise, " Ye are the temples of the Holy Ghost." This I asked and pleaded for, and that on any condition. My dear Mr. Fletcher used to say, " That is right, Polly ; let us hold fast there, and leave all the rest to God, though he should be constrained to part us asunder to give the answer." On the Tuesday before my love died, when those words were applied to my mind, " Where I am, there shall my servants be, 124 THE LIFE OF [PART IV. that they may behold my glory," I felt such a power in them, as seemed in a great degree to take away the bitterness even of that dreadful cup. "To behold my glory !" That thought would for moments swallow up all, and I seemed to lose myself in the desire of his glory being manifested. But that awful night ! when I had hung over my dear husband for many hours, expecting every breath to be his last, and during which time he could not speak to, nor take any notice of me, a flood of unspeakable sorrow overspread my heart, and quite overwhelm- ed my spirit. I was scarcely in my senses ; and such a fear seized my soul lest I should say or do any thing displeasing t-> the Lord, that I was torn as it were a thousand ways at once. My fatigue had been great : I was barely recovered of my fever, and this stroke so tore my nerves, that it was an inlet to much temptation. In former parts of my life, I have felt deep sorrow ; but such were now my feelings, that no words that I am able to think of can convey any adequate idea thereof. . The next morning Oh ! my God ! what a cup didst thou put into my hand ! Not only my beloved husband, but it appeared to me my Saviour also, was torn from me ! Clouds and darkness surrounded both soul and body ! The sins even of my infancy came before me, and assaulted me as thick as hail ! I seemed to have no love, no faith, no light ; and yet I could not doubt but I should see the smiling face of God in glory ! Yea, that heaven would terminate all my sufferings ! There did not seem cne dart thrown at my final salvation. An unshaken belief that Christ would bring me through all, was my great support ; and it seemed to me, that I must have been annihilated had 1 been moved from that anchor. No finite creature could have supported it. My agonized soul seemed t/o sweat blood ; and I felt the meaning of those words, " TlM*pains of hell gat hold upon me !" What, said I, is this u.e SOuJ that but a few days ago delighted in the thought of "THil glory !" But now he hath entered into judgment with me ! My soul was amazed, and in deep anguish ; and literally my life drew nigh to the grave ! When formerly I have read accounts like this, I have thought, These persons have a strong way of expressing themselves ; but, alas ! I solemnly declare, no expression appears to me strong enough for what I felt. That word passed my mind several times : " Even to his Father did he look In pain, his Father him forsook !" A host of foes seemed to surround me, and I was (as it appear- ed to me) given into their hands.* Those words came oftea * This -whole account describes truly, " the hour and the power of darkness. The blast C|f the terrible ones" was indeed " as a storm against the wall !" !>'* ?ART IV.] MRS. FLETCHER. 125 to my mind, " To know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings." Sometimes I remember- ed that expression, " My God ! my God ! why hast thou for- saken me 1" I cast my mournful eyes toward the " Man of sorrows" who spoke them, but there seemed no answer, all was horror and darkness. Many times a day I visited my lovely corpse, remembering, as I knelt beside him, how he used to say, " Ah ! my dear Polly, must I ever see thee laid out on this bed !" But, alas ! he could no more speak to me, no more express his tender sympathy ! Now " I trod the wine press alone," and truly " there was none with me." The rest of the day I sat mostly alone in the next room, where my window presented to my view the grave dig- ging, and the churchyard visited by numbers to look at the vault ! Soon it occurred to my mind, that before we married, some letters had passed between us on particular subjects, which he had often told me I had better burn ; saying, " Thou puttest it off; and if one of us should die, it will almost kill the other to do it then." Yet, being loath to part with them, I had neglected to do it ; but now being seized with a kind of palsy, and loss of memory, I thought, perhaps in another day I may not be able to do it, and then I shall be unfaithful to my dear husband's command. The third day, therefore, I carried them to the fire. But Oh ! what did I feel at the sight ! I could not even avoid seeing some of the tender expression! they contained, which were now as barbed arrows to my heart. Next day came on the funeral. All this time my soul was as in the lion's den. The day after I heard that some reports were abroad concerning my dear husband's death, as if he had been delirious, and expired in great agonies. I believed I was called to write the truth ; and casting myself on' the Lord, to be guided by his hand as a mere machine, I took up my pen and wrote to Mr. Wesley the" following letter. I wrote it at one sitting, intending to copy it afterward ; but I had no more strength than just sufficed for the occasion. I sent it, therefore, as it was, to the press, and left it all to God. "AUGUST 18, 1785. REV. AND VERY DEAR SIR : Though but yesterday I part* d with my beloved husband's remains, I must now endeavour to collect my wounded mind, as I would not have any of his words fall to the ground, and give, if possible, some account of the awful, but to him, glorious scene. this " follower of Christ,-'' nevertheless, " walked not in darkness." She, like her Master, could say, " My God ! My God !" when her " soul was sorrowful even unto death." Thus, " Heaven its choicest gold by suffering tried." The saint sustained it, but the woman felt : and she no more disguised her fbelingN thac our divine Master did, ED, n* 126 THE LIFE OF [PART IV. " Our union increased daily, as did his health and strength , his consumptive complaint appeared quite removed, and in my eyes the bitterness of death was past. The work was sweetly prospering, and in a variety of circumstances the sun of pros- perity shone around us. " For some time before this last illness, his precious soul (always alive to God) was particularly penetrated with the nearness of eternity ; there was scarce an hour in which he was not calling upon me to drop every thought and every care, that we might attend to nothing but drinking deeper into God. We spent much time in wrestling prayer for the fulness of the Spirit, and were led in a very peculiar manner, to an act of abandonment (as we called it) of our whole selves into the hands of God, to do or suffer whatever was pleasing to him. On Thursday, August 4, he was taken up in the work of God from three in the afternoon, till nine at night ; when he came home, he said, ' I have taken cold.' Friday and Saturday lie was but poorly, though he went out part of the day, but seem- ed uncommonly drawn out in prayer. On Saturday night his fever first appeared very strong. I begged him not to go to the church in the morning, but let a pious brother who was here preach in the yard ; but he told rne he believed it was the will of the Lord, and that he was assured it was right he should go ; in which case I never dared to dissuade him. As I was in the morning with a little company of our pious women, I begged they would pray that he might be strengthened, and that I might have a grain of that faith whieh supported the faithful when their friends were martyred. In reading the prayers he almost fainted away. I got through the crowd with a friend, and entreated him to come out of the desk, as did some others ; but he let us know in his sweet manner, that we were not to inter- rupt the order of God. I then retired to my pew, where all around me were in tears. When he was a little refreshed by the windows being opened, and a nosegay thrown into the desk by a friend, he went on ; and afterward going up into the pul- pit, preached with a strength and recollection that surprised us all. " IP his first prayer he said, ' Lord, thou wilt manifest thy strength in weakness ; we confer not with flesh and blood, but put our trust under the shadow of thy wings.' " His text was from Psalm xxxvi, ' Thou, Lord, shalt save both man and beast ; how excellent is^thy mercy, O God ; and the children of men shall put their trust under the shadow of thy wings.' "After he had pointed out the Saviour of mankind, and observed, how some by sin had made themselves beasts, he Showed that the promise, even in that sense, might be applied to the sinner, as well as to the beasts of the earth.: and in PART IV.] MRS. FLETCHER. speaking to these, with his usual earnestness, he pressed, invited, and entreated them to return unto God, enforcing those words of our Lord when he came near to Jerusalem, and wept over it : 'If thou hadst known, even thou, at least in this thy day, the things which belong to thy peace ! but now they are hid from thine eyes.' These words peculiarly pierced the hearts of many, as they have since told me. He continued to observe, in nearly the following words, ' That the wings of the Lord are compared to those of an eagle for strength and pro- tection,' Exodus xix. ' I bare you on eagles' wings, and brought you unto myself.' And to those of a hen for love and care, ' Like as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings.' In the Jewish tabernacle, where was the holy of holies, two che- rubim were placed, whose extended wings joining together overshadowed the mercy seat. When Christ died upon the cross, his arms were stretched out, and these were as wings of love which he opened, and still holds wide open, to receive all that come unto him ; let us then, when we see his love and power thus united to save and bless us, enter boldly into the holy of holies through, the door of Divine mercy. A friend threw me some flowers to revive me when I was faint, but the mercy of the Lord is far more reviving ; it is this I would hold out to you, and drop it into your very bosoms ; may it sink deep there, that you may ' taste and see how good the Lord is,' and confess that his saving mercy is above the richest perfume, for ' he saves both man and beast !' " After sermon he went up the aisle to the communion table, with these words : ' I am going to throw myself under the wings of the cherubim before the mercy seat.' " The congregation was large, and the service held till near two. Sometimes he could scarcely stand, and was often obliged to stop for want of power to speak. The people were deeply affected. Weeping was on every side. Gracious Lord ! how was it my soul was kept so calm in the midst of the most ten- der feelings'! Notwithstanding his extreme weakness, he gave out several verses of hymns, and various lively sentences of exhortation. As soon as the service was over, we hurried him away to his bed, where lie immediately fainted away. He after- ward dropped into a sleep for some time, and upon waking,, cried out, with a pleasant smile, ' Now, my dear, thou seest I am no worse for doing the Lord's work : he never fails mo when I trust in him.' After he had got a little dinner he dozed most of the evening ; now and then waking (as was usual witli him) full of the praises of God. That night his fever returned, but not so bad as on Saturday ; nevertheless from Sunday hie strength decreased amazingly. On Monday and Tuesday we had a little paradise together ; he lay on a couch in the study, and was at times very restless, as to change of posture, but 128 THE LIFE OF [PART IV, sweetly pleasant, and often slept for a good while. When awake, he delighted much in hearing me read hymns and tracte on faith and love. His words were all animating, and his patience beyond what I can express. When he had any bitter or nauseous medicine to take, he seemed to enjoy the cross, reminding me of a word he rsed ---fieri to repeat, that our business was to seek a perfect conformity to the will of God, and then leave him to give us what comfort he saw good. 1 asked him, if he should be taken from me, whether he had any particular directions or orders to give me, since I desired to form my whole life thereby. He replied, ' No, not by mine, the Holy Ghost shall direct thee ; I have nothing particular to say, only that the Lord will open all before thee ; and let not any one bring thee into bondage. If I stay with thee, I will keep thee from oppression ; but if I should be taken from thee, beware.' I said, Hast thou any conviction the Lord is about to take thee 1 He answered, ' No, not in particular ; only I always see death so inexpressibly near, that we both seem to stand as on the verge of eternity.' While he slept a little, I laid my trial before the Lord, entreating him, if it was his good plea- sure, to spare my beloved husband a little longer; but my prayer seemed to have no wings. It was held down, and I could not help mingling continually therewith, Lord, give me perfect resignation ! This uncertainty in my own mind made me rather tremble, lest the Lord was going to take the bitter cup out of my dear's hand, and give it unto me. The cup of separation he had for some weeks before very deeply drank of, when I myself was ill of the fever. At that time he often pass- ed through the whole parting scene, and struggled for the for- titude of perfect resignation. Sometimes he would say at that season, ' O Polly ! shall I ever see the day when thou must be carried out to be buried 1 How will the little things which thou wast accustomed to use, and all those which thy tender care has prepared for me in every part of the house, how will they wound and distress me ! How is it ! I think I feel jealousy I am jealous of the worms ! I seem to shrink at giving my dear Polly to the worms !' " Now all these reflections returned with a millstone's weight on my heart. I cried to the Lord, and those words were deeply impressed on my spirit : ' Where I am, there shall my servants be, that they may behold my glory.' This promise was full of matter as well as unction to my soul. It explained itself thue : That in Christ's immediate presence was our home, and that we should find our reunion in being deeply centred in him, I received it as a fresh marriage for eternity. As such I stili take, and trust for ever to hold it. All that day, whenever 1 thought of this expression, 'to behold my glory,' it seemed to PART IV.J MRS. FLETCHER. 129 wipe every tear away, and was as the ring by which we were joined anew. " Awaking some time after, he said, ' Polly, I will tell you what I have been thinking of; it was Israel's fault that they asked for signs ; we will not do so ; but abandoning our whole selves into the hands of God, wesWill there lie patiently before him, assured that he will d>- all things 'well.' " ' My dear love,' said 1, if e^fer I have done or said any thing to grieve thee, how will the remembrance wound my heart, shouldst thou be taken from me !' " He entreated and charged me, with inexpressible tender- ness, not to allow the thought ; declaring his thankfulness for our union, in a variety of words, which remain written on my heart, as with the adamantine pen of friendship deeply dipped in blood. " On Wednesday, after groaning all day as it were under the weight of the power of f Watere-upton, whom the Lord moved in a pathetic manner to speak to his weeping flock on the sad occasion. In the conclusion, at my request, he read the following paper : " As it was the desire of my beloved husband to be buried in this plain manner, so out of tenderness he begged that I might .not be present ; and in all things I would obey him. " Permit me then to take this opportunity, by the mouth of a friend, to bear my open testimony to the glory of God, that I, who have known him in the most perfect manner, am con- strained to declare, I never knew any one walk so closely in , the ways of God as he did. The Lord gave him a conscience tender as the apple of an eye. H$ literally preferred the inter- est of every one to his own. He was rigidly just, but perfectly 'loose from all attachment to the world. He shared his all with the poor, who lay so close to his heart, that on the approach of death, though his speech was so gone that he could utter nothing without difficulty, he cried out, Oh my poor! what will become of my poor ! I am dead to my poor ! He was blessed with so great a degree of humility as is scarcely to be found. I am witness how often he has taken a real pleasure in being treated with contempt ; indeed it seemed the very food of his soul to be little and unknown. When he said to me, ' Thou wilt write a line or two to my brother in Switzerland, if I die,' I replied, ' My dear love, I will write him all the Lord's dealings with thee.' ' No, no,' said he, 'write nothing about me. I desire to be forgotten ; God is all .'' " His zeal for souls I need not tell you : let the labour of twenty-five years, and a martyr's death in the conclusion, imprint it on your hearts. His diligent visitation of the sick, laid, to appearance, the foundation of the spotted fever, which, by God's commission, tore him from you and me ; ami his vehe- ment desire to take his last leave of you, with dying lips and Hands, gave (it is supposed) the finishing stroke, by preparing his blood for putrefaction. Thus hath he lived and died your servant. And will any of you refuse to meet him at God's right hand in that day ? " He walked with death always in sight ; and about two months ago he came to me one day, and said, ' My dear love, I kno\y not how it is, but I have a strange impression death is very near us, as if it be some sudden stroke upon one of us ; and it draws out ah my soul in prayer that we may be ready.' He then broke out, Lord, prepare the soul thou wilt call ; and Oh stand by the poor Itsconsolate one who shall be left behind. " A few days before his departure, he was filled witit love in an uncommon manner, saying to me, ' I have had sucfr a dis- covery of the depth of that word, God is love, as I can, thee half, but it fills me. it Jills me. O Polly ! my dear Polly ! .^ PART IV.] MBS. FLETCHER. 133 God is love ! shout his praise ! I want a gust of praise to reach to the ends of the earth.' And the same he testified as Jong as he had voice, and continued to testify to the end, by a most lamb-like patience, in which he victoriously smiled at death, and set his last seal to the glorious truths he had so long preached among you. " Three years, nine months, and two days, I have possessed my heavenly minded husband ; but now, the sun of my earthly joy is set for ever, and my soul filled with an anguish, which unly finds its consolation in a total abandonment and resigna- tion to the will of God : an exercise to which my dear husband and I had of late been particularly drawn. When I was asking the Lord if he pleased to spare him to me a little longer, the following answer was impressed on my mind with great power, and in the accomplishment of this word of promise I look for our reunion, ' Where I am there shall my servants be, that they may behold my glory !' Lord, hasten the hour ! " I am, Rev. and dear sir, &c, " MARY FLETCHER." ' The Rev. Mr. Wesley." My anguish was extreme. All outward support seemed to be withdrawn ; appetite and sleep quite failed me ; and even the air, I often thought, had entirely lost all its vivifying powers. As I never before had any conception of the bitter anguish which the Lord saw good to visit me with at this season ; so I can give no just description of it. " Known unto God are all his ways ;" and I was assured, even in the midst of my trou- ble, that all he did was well, and that there was a needs be for this heavy trial. But what bound all my other trials upon me, was, I felt continually the keenest accusations from -Jatan, constraining me by every possible suggestion to look at my extreme sensibility in suffering, as being deeply sinful ! What, thought I, has made this change ! If Jesus was rny all, should I not feel as keenly the sense of his having suffered for me, as I do in the thought of my dear husband's kindness, and in the dreadful feeling of my separation from him 1 And because I could feel but very faint touches of sensible communion with God, I was torn as it were in pieces. All my religion seemed shrunk into one point ; viz. a constant cry, Thy will be done .'* / will, yes, / will glorify thee, even in this fire ! Yet it seemed to me I did not glorify him and so afraid was [ of turning to any human comfort, or stopping short of all the Lord would have me to do or be, that in the midst of this ter- rible furnace, I can say, that at every moment my conscience was '.' quick as the apple of an eye, the slightest touch of am * Tills is a fruit of the Spirit that never fails those who abide in the faith, even in the darkest hour. ED. 134 THE LIFE OF [PART IV. to feel." Yea, my spirit was all eye to discern its most distant approach. Yet in every tiling I seemed to be accused, and also condemned ; so that my soul was indeed sorrowful even unto death* One morning before I was awake, I heard singing voices, as just over my face : they answered one another with these words, " Weep ye in Zion's doep distress, In Zion's sorrow mourn." Then one voice, which I well knew to be that of my dearest love, spake in distinct words, and with much emphasis, " Fight the good fight of faith with me, My fellow soldier, fight." It gave me some little comfort, and animated me to follow his bright example. One day these words were applied with much power to my heart, " These light afflictions, which are but for a moment, shall work out for you a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory." What, sa,d I, did the Apostle, who had been in the third heaven, and knew well what he said, did he call these afflictions light when put in the scale with that glory ? It was answered in my heart, Yes, as a bubble ! " compared with the glory that shall be revealed." I got a momentary glimpse of our home above, in the celestial city ; and those words were spoken through my heart, " Heaven is thy inheritance, Thou shall soon remove from hence." ' Very many were these little in-breakings of light, yea, often in a day ; yet my pain was unspeakable. I was constantly per- plexed with that thought, that a believer can never be in dark- ness ; that they always " rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory ;" that nothing but sin given way to, can damp their joy.f This was an inlet to much temptation ; and now, I had no one to tell my troubles to ! No partner to bear a share in them. In all our spiritual conflicts we had been so entirely one, that cares, by being divided, were hushed into peace. A word from him would frequently light up, as it were, a candle in my soul ; and was enough to turn aside the keenest tempta- tion. But now I trod the winepress alone, and felt my de- pendence had been too much on the creature. I had clung to him as the ivy to the oak, and now seemed to be nothing ! I saw myself left in a howling wilderness alone ! Yet still I could jay, * In all this I bclievfi tint pious and well informed reader will be satisfied that, (as the Holy Ghost testifies of Job,) "she Binned not, nor charged Sod- foolishly." ED. t Ye, temptation can damp their joy ; but only sin can destroy it. Her joy was not destroyed ; she had " times of refreshing." ED. PART IV.] MRS. FLETCHER. 135 "With tbee I on Zion shall stand. For Jesus hath spoken the word." But the Lord seemed to do by me as by the Canaanitish wo- man ; He did not answer me ! I followed, and often said in my heart, (reflecting on all my unfaithfulness,) Ah ! " It is not meet to take the children's bread and cast it to the dogs !" It seemed I could to all eternity have praised him for the least drop of comfort ; and yet I felt the power of these words, " A drop will not suffice, My soul for all thy fulness cries." in the midst of this dreadful conflict I felt some consolation from the thought, that by the account of his precious death, which surely the Lord himself prompted, and enabled me to write, (as I had hardly at the time either sense or memory,) I had helped, in a little measure, that shout of praise to go forth, which, with his dying lips, he said he wanted to reach the ends of the earth ! And though I have lost my dear husband, and felt the force of the " hour and power of darkness," yet through all, I believed I should conquer. So it is with me now ; but I do not seem as yet to have the privilege of shouting victory. As soon as the funeral was over, I found the dear children which my beloved partner had left behind, laid upon my mind. I saw there were many things to settle among them respecting the work of God ; some dangerous rocks to avoid, and some needful plans to propose. Therefore, before another week passed, I saw I must act among them, and meet the people the same as before ; and though very ill, and filled with sorrow, the Lord enabled me to do so, showing me the only way to bear the cross profitably, was so to carry it as if I carried it not. About a fortnight before my dear husband's last sickness, he was one night at the Wednesday meeting, when being greatly affected about me, as I was ill at that time, he could hardly get through it. He said to me afterward, "My dear, I could scarcely speak to the people. I felt, I knew not how, as if thy empty chair stood by me ! Something seemed to say we should soon be parted ; and I thought, Must I meet these people, and see my Polly's empty chair always by me ?" But now the cup was mine. Yea, and I have drunk it to the very dregs ! September 21, 1785. Ah ! Lord, my soul is exceeding sor- rowful ! How lonely doth my situation appear ! Torn from my dear companion, and made to walk in this dreary path! But this is my greatest weight, I do not ffedl that union with thee, that would make up all. There arc- indeed moments in which a glimpse of thy love seems to unite me to all good, and wipes away every tear. But these are transient touches, and I am deeply oppressed with that fear that I am not approved in r .hy sight, because I do not rejoice evermore ! I well know I 136 THE LIFE OF [PART IV. want a farther plunge into thy sacred will. I am not yet " the temple of the Holy Ghost." For some time back those words have been much on my mind, " Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may stand in the evil day, and having done all, may stand." I have some- times said, Lord, have I passed that evil day, or is it still to come ? And I always felt with submission a desire it might, not be in death. O Lord ! do all fhy will upon me, but make me wholly conformable to thy divine nature ! Glorify thyself in thy poor creature ! I feel as if soul and body would be divided by this terrible wrench ! Yet I acquiesce, fully acquiesce, in thy divine disposal. Yes, I see and admire thy wisdom ! I bow down to a dispensation I do not clearly understand ! The Lord hath done it ! and that shall be enough to satisfy me. I remember one of my dear husband's dying sayings was, Polly, let us not fear, God is love ! What canst thou fear, my dearest, when God is love ? I feel it is the truth ; nevertheless, I do not feel perfect rest in that truth, for want of that perfect love which casteth out all fear. Nothing will do for me but the indwelling Deity! "He that dwelleth in love, dwelleth ia God, and God in him." October 3, 1785. My sorrowful soul waiteth on thee, O Lord ! Oh ! what a cloud there is on my whole situation ' Three months ago I was raised to the highest pitch of human consolatign. I often thought all that God could give of ten: poral comforts was poured upon me. Whenever I was hearing any one speak of the afflictions they were under, I used to be- humbled to the very dust. Something would suggest, Ah : you may well bear your crosses, and rejoice that ye have sucl. a treasure continually augmenting in your bosom ; but let God only lay his hand on your husband, and see then whether you will bless him ! It seemed to me, that I so honoured any of my fellow creatures who were in trouble, that I could kiss the very dust from their feet, and was often filled with astonish- ment, why such a wretch as I was spared their bitter cup ! But now I drink it indeed ; yet at the same tune I can say, I see it my privilege to "follow the Lamb whithersoever he goeth," without asking where, or to what new cross he will lead me. Oh what should I do were it not for the privilege of pouring out my soul in prayer ! Lord, come and make thine ie in me! One day when I had some reason to think this house would be wanted, and that I must quit it, I began to consider where I had best remove to. I reflected on my dear husband's words, when he said a little before he lost his speech, " Stay here, a\y dear ; I do not speak for the people only, but for thy safe.. Thou wilt never be so well settled again. Here thou wit Se most out of the way from many things which would be a crc* PART IV.] MRS. FLETCHER. 137 and a hinderance to thee." It was therefore very painful for me to think of taking one single step in any thing contrary to his advice. And yet I must own, had he not all along said I must stay here, I believe I could not have resolved so to do, for every day brought me some cutting trial. A new ministry, a new plan for the work, and various causes of anxiety and trouble. But now it appeared I must remove. I began to think of one place and another, but every one seemed to bear the gloom of night. I could see no spot in the creation for me to rest in. A peculiar inward feeling also, seemed to turn from every place I could think of, as if the smile of God was not on my going there. I said, Lord, show me what I shall do ! Only show me what is thy will ! I thought on two places the most likely ; and had some desire to draw a lot concerning them. I had the paper in my hand in order so to do, when the remembrance of my dearest love was presented strongly to rny mind, as speak- ing again those words, " Polly, do not let us look for signs ; let us leave ourselves in the hand of God." I felt an immediate light of faith, and throwing the paper out of my hand, I took up the Bible, intending to read, and for the present to drop every other thought. It opened on those words : " God shall choose our inheritance for us." All my spirit acquiesced, and I an- swered, " Yea, Lord ! Thou hast chosen for rny dear the bright mansions above ; and thou wilt choose for me all rny wander- ings below." There seemed for a moment such a communion opened between the family below and that above, as I cannot express. Soon after this I received a message from Mr. Kenerson, letting me know that I should never be turned out of the house, but might rent it ; which I received as an answer from the Lord directing my way. It also brought to my mind a dream I had some years before I married. I dreamed a man came to me to offer me some tithes. I replied, " Friend, I have nothing to do with tithes, I have no concern in any living." But soon after, I said to one of my family, " Hannah, I am going away, I have a call from the Lord, I must go." But again I thought I know not where, not even into what country. However, the way of duty is the way of safety. I will set out, and God will lead me. Immediately I left Cross Hall, and after walking a few paces, I thought I was carried in a moment, I knew not how, and set down in a churchyard, and some jone said to me. You are to enter into this church. I went in, and walking up the aisle, I heard a kind of groan, and said, That is the sound of death. When I came out of the church, I entered into a house 1 which was just by it. As I was on the steps, it was said inwardly to me, This is tin ,-itation which God hath chosen for you. I answered, Oh no , I cannot live here. It is the order of God for me to live jr. Yorkshire. I went into some oS 12* 138 THE LIFE OF [PART IV the rooms, and found in one I passed through, a man and woman. In the next was a young woman with a child eta he: lap. She appeared dying of a (consumption, and in great con- flicts. We soon entered into conversation, and she seemed very spiritual. After a time she told me, I must come and live here, and here abide. I replied, " Oh no ; I live at Cross Hall, in Yorkshire ; and have a great family and many calls there." But, said she, it is the will of God to bring you here. There in work for you to do. She added, Do not be frightened^ God will make you a comfortable habitation. I said, Have you the Gospel here ! She replied, Yes. And who, said I, is the minis- ter that brought it among you T She replied, He is not here now. Then who, said I, is your present minister ? She showed me a name of three syllables ; but though I read it over and over, I could only remember the two last, "nerson." I felt myself in great anguish and sorrow of mind, (though I could not assign any cause,) and said, I must go away, I cannot stay here. I do not know that man and woman. I cannot live with them. She replied, " That man and woman will go awav when you come. But here is a work for you to do, and you must abide here. Do not be frightened ; God will make you a comfortable habitation," Being determined, however, to return home, I went down stairs, and seeing a coach ready to be hired, I beckoned to it ; the man opened the door, and as I was step- ping in, he said, Where will you be carried to 1 I strove to say, Cross Hall, in Yorkshire, but could not. Then I strove to name various habitations I had formerly lived in, but could remember the name of none. As he still persevered in his questions, I at last stepped back, and pointing to the house I came out of, I said, " That is my home, and God hath taken the remembrance of every other out of my heart." I knew nothing of the situation of any thing in Madeley when I had this dream ; but when, some years after, I told it to my dear Mr. Fletcher, he said, " There was a man and woman who lived with me at that time, and a young woman, A. C., who was very useful in the work, to which she proved a nursing- mother. She died of a consumption, in which she had many conflicts." I said, Was there a minister here whose name ended with nerson ? He replied, " No." But now I under- 3tand it all. Had I before remembered the whole name, F .should at once have known this dream would be fulfilled at my dear husband's death, as Mr. Kenerson was the patron, and his son now became our vicar. My dear Mr. Fletcher always said, if he died, he believed I was to stay here ; and there are gome circumstances which reconcile me so to do. First, I never was in any situation in which I had so much opportunity of doing good, (according lo my small abilities,) as in this place, and that in various ways, public and private; and PART IV.] MRS. FLETCriER. 139 to many who live at a distance also. These are providentially thrown in my way, and I find such clear leadings of the Spirit in conversing with them, that (painful as many circumstances are) I am constrained to say, If I choose for the work of God, here I must abide and fix my home.* Secondly, Here I have a great many sweet, lively souls to converse with. My meetings are more satisfactory to myself than m any place I ever yet was in ; and still I feel it suited to me, as a soil which my soul grows in. Thirdly, It suits my temporal affairs ; this house being cheap, and several other circumstances also are advantageous. Fourthly, I never found any other part agree as well with my health as this has done. From a child I could never live in London, nor in any close place ; and here I have had better health than ever before : only at this season, I find the waves o t sorrow have thrown me some paces nearer my eternal home. Truly also, that part of my dream (the sound of death) hath been accomplished in all its pomp ! Would any know the king of terrors 1 Let them look on the corpse ot a beloved husband, or tender friend, and there discern the consequences of sin ! For a believer to look at death, as seizing on. himself, has comparatively no terror ! In the midst of the most pleasant scone my life had ever exhibited, I some- ; times said, "I think, my love, lam selfish: it seems as if I | should not fear to die and leave thee ! I am deeply sensible ! however, of all the pain thou wouldst feel. Yet it seems as if we should not be divided even by death." But now the scene is turned t It is my eyes that must for ever have before them that tremendous night. Oh ! what do I feel ! Thy will, O Lord, be done ! From this time I have been more and more convinced, my inheritance is appointed of the Lord, and that this is the spot "I am to fix on, at least for the present ; and I rather believe I * At the last conference which Mr. Fletcher attended, viz. at Leeds August 1784, (about a year before his death,) I had the privilege of sitting very near him' About the middle of the conference he rose, and addressed Mr. Wesley respecting his parish. He said, " I fear my successor will not be interested in the woi k inted, according to that recommendation. The work of Ood has thus continued, and proceeded, for thirty years in peace. May it ne"er be interrupted ! ED. 140 THE Lift, OF [PART iv. shall change no more, but that where he died, I shall die also. During this heavy night of sorrow, (attended with such aggra- vating circumstances as it is not needful to explain,) I have also seen an amazing mixture of the tender care and fatherly pro- tection of my God. He withholds his rough wind in the day of his east wind; and will lay no more on his poor creatures than his power and goodness will enable them to bear. I know assuredly, that my bereavement was wrought for the good of my soul. I am, notwithstanding my inward trials, and deep sensibility of my loss, truly enabled to praise God even for the severity of the stroke. Yes, I love his will, I love his cross ! I am, I will be devoted to his glory ! And if that can be pro- moted by my keen anguish, I will delight in suffering all his wis- dom shall appoint ! I see also the goodness of the Lord in our bringing Sally Lawrence with us here. The day we were married, as soon as we returned from the church, and went up stair* to ask a blessing on our union, she came into the room, and falling on her knees before my dear husband, she entreated him not to part her from her dear mistress, who had brought her up. He told her he never would ; and now she is made to me a great comfdrt, having all the usefulness of a housekeeper, added to the affection of the tenderest child. The Lord has also answered my dear husband's prayers with regard to the work of the Lord, beyond all expectation. Whei) he repeatedly expressed his desire that I should stay here, 1 replied, Oh how can I bear the place without thee 1 How can I bear to stay, and see perhaps a carnal ministry ? He answered. " Thou dost not know what God may do. Perhaps there maj never be a carnal ministry here." And so it proved. The Rev Mr. Gilpin and his wife, being on the spot, were at that seasoii kind and tender friends to me, and Mr. Kenerson desired hinc to supply the church till he should return to his own living, which was not for some months. The Lord then provided fo; us a precious young man, Mr. Melville Home, who had tra- velled some time in connection with Mr. Wesley ; and con- cerning whom my dear Mr. Fletcher had (before his illness} expressed a desire that he might be his successor. We have also the Methodist preachers, and their labours are blessed. Brotherly love takes root, and flourishes among us. The work goes on well ; fresh converts are continually brought in, and several have with flowing eyes declared, that the words they once slighted, now seem to rise in judgment against them. They bow to the truth, and are constrained to acknowledge, concerning their deceased pastor, He being dead, yet speaketh. The Lord haih also looked on my temporal affairs, beyond what I could have expected. I observed, soon after my mar- riage, that all was now made quite easy. I looked OH thj PART V.] MRS. FLETCHER. 141 promise as already fulfilled, having in Layton a good deal more than -would pay all. Some hundreds were however still on interest, though we had lessened the sum while my dear and I were together. But soon after he was taken from me, I received a letter from a person of whom I had borrowed some years before a hundred and fifty pounds, that he wanted it directly ; and I had at this season a good deal to pay on other accounts. As I wished to be free, for the remainder of my short days, from unnecessary care, I had a desire that the estate at Layton- stone should be sold, and the demands all settled at once. I found, however, that could not be done without loss, and there- fore proposed to pay yearly all I could out of my income, which was now increased by the tender care of my dear husband But my youngest brother, William Bosanquet, whom I had not seen for some years, came down on a visit to me. He expressed the greatest sympathy and tenderness toward me in this time of trial ; and after staving with me some days, generously sup- plied me with all the cash I then needed. Some months after, un uncle dying without leaving me any thing, (and indeed I did not think I had any right to expect it,) my brothers wrote me: word, that they were sorry I was not remembered in the will ; and my youngest brother desired me to accept of five hundred pounds (or more if I wanted it) to settle all my affairs. Here was the exact fulfilment of Mrs. Clapham's impression con- cerning us! [See page 109.] This very brother whom she t^en saw, (though at that time there was not the least reason to think of any such thing,) did afterward, as it was represented to her, bring me many smaller sums, and at last one so large an to remove all burdens at once from my shoulders ! And on January, 1787, I wrote in iny diary, I now owe no man any thing but love : my income is quite clear, and I have, accord- ing to the promise, great plenty of silver. PART THE FIFTH. HER SETTLEMENT AT MADELEY, AND THOUGHTS ON COM- MUNION WITH HAPPY SPIRITS. December 15, 1785. MY soul is exceeding sorrowful. I feel the loss of my clear- est husband in a manner I cannot express. Four months are now ekpsed since I sustained that dreadful scene, yet it seems as if it was but yesterday. Nothing can comfort me but the blessing promised in those words, " I and my Father will come and make our abode with you," Nothing short of that baptism 142 THE LIFE OF [PART V,. of the Holy Ghost can heal and satisfy my wounded soul. But I will endeavour to recollect the blessings which attend even my melancholy situation, and strive by steps of thankfulness to raise my heart from gratitude to exulting praise. First, I have the comfort of knowing my dear love is in glory. He hath proved the victory, his " last enemy is de- stroyed!" Death shall no more threaten him with the cold grave ; it is conquered for ever, and shall be " swallowed up in victory." Secondly, I had the consolation of being with him to the last moment, and hearing him, so long as he could speak, ex- press how comfortable he was both inward and outward ; prais- ing God often for the comfortable attendance he had in the needful hour, and many times saying to me, " I am most sweetly filled, but I do not seem for much speaking ; I am drawn in- ward." Thirdly, I rejoice that he told me, " God would open all my way before me ;" and with his last blessing gave me to the Lord, saying, " Head of the church, be head to my wife !" Fourthly, He feels no more from the fear of losing me. Perhaps he is nearer to me than ever ! Perhaps he sees me continually, and, under God, guards and keeps me. Perhaps he knows my very thoughts. The above reflections, though under a perhaps, give me some help ; but could they be con- firmed by reason, and above all by Scripture, they would yield me much consolation. I will try if I can find this solid ground for them. It appears to me no way contrary to reason to believe that the happy departed spirits see and know all they would wish, and are divinely permitted to know. In this Mr. Wesley is of the same mind, (from whose writings I shall borrow some of iny ideas) and that they are concerned for the dear fellow pilgrims whom they have left behind. I cannot but believe they are ; and though death is the boundary we cannot see through, they who have passed the gulf may probably see us. Some small insects can see but a little way ; an apple would appear to them a mountain, but we can see a thousand of them at once, crawling on what we call a small spot of earth. When an infant is born into this world, how many senses, till then locked up, are on a sudden brought into action, and could the child reflect, a variety of new ideas would be awakened by which it would discern such a capacity of becoming useful and comfortable to its mother, as it never before had any concep- tion of ! It could have no communion with her but by one sense, that of feeling ; but uow it is enabled both to see, hear, and to make itself heard by her. There was an apparent separation from the mother ; but in reality it has gained a more valuable possession, which every dav increases its ability of entering PART V.] MRS. FLETCHER. 143 into her thoughts, and bearing a part in all her feelings. And may we not suppose, if the use of sight and hearing, as well as the powers of understanding, are so improved by our birth into this lower world, that some powers analogous to the above are, at least, equally opened on the entrance of a spirit into a hea- venly state ; though perhaps small in the beginning, like the anfant, compared with the measure that is to follow 1 Nor doth it seem contrary to reason to suppose a spirit in glory can turn its eye with as much ease, and look on any object below, as a mother can look through a window and see the actions of her children in a court underneath it. If bodies have a language by which they can convey their thoughts to each other, though sometimes at a distance, have spirits no language, think you, by which they can converse with our spi- rits, and by impressions on the mind, speak to us as easily as before they did by the tongue 1 And what can interrupt either the presence, communion, or sight of a spirit 1 " Walls within walls no more its passage bar, Thsa unopposing space of liquid air." But may not our reasonable ideas be much strengthened by Scripture ? Some encouragement on this head I have lately drawn from the account of Elijah and Elisha, (though I do not offer this as a proof, but rather as an illustration,) for as Elijah was to enter glory without passing through death, it is probable he was favoured before with a more than common intercourse and communion with the world of spirits, as we see in the works of Providence there is a gradual ascent ; and I the rather be- lieve this from some passages in his story. Near the time of his translation, it was revealed to the sons of the prophets, who said to Elisha, Knowest thou that thy master shall be taken from thy head to-day 1 But to Elijah himself perhaps it was revealed long before, and it seems to me, he referred to this when he was in the desert of Arabia, under the juniper tree, 1 Kings chap, xix, where he requested for himself that he might die, saying, (to this effect,) " It ifr enough, Lord, I am not better than my fathers." The prophets before me have sealed thy truth with their blood, and why should I be exempt from the common lot of man 1 I had rather die, and come to thee now .' Why should i live uny longer? Thou hast enabled me to maintain thy cause against the worshippers of Baal ; yet my word hath little weight with them. " They have slain thy prophets, and I only am left, and they seek my life to take it away." Let them have it, for it is far better for me to depart and to be with thee. However, quite resigned to the will of God, he lays him down to sleep, till awaked by an angel of the Lord, who bids him arise, and take the refreshment a watchful Providence had provided for him. Here we have no account of any alarming fear. He doth not. like Daniel, fall down as 144 THE LIFE oi 1 IPAKT v, one dead ; nor, like Zachariah and the shepherds, become sore afraid ; but after a moderate repast, he lies down to sleep again, and then receives a second visit from his bright messenger, for aught we see, with the same steady calmness as before. From which, I am led to suppose, he was accustomed to such com- munications. When his faith had gathered strength by his miraculous pre- servation, forty days and nights without food, full of holy ex- pectation he arrives at Horeb, waiting a farther manifestation of the glory of God, as Moses, the giver of the law, had done an this very place before him. Nor can we suppose this illus- trious restorer of the law could be totally forgetful of that prayer, " Lord, I beseech thee, show me thy glory !" The place would remind him of the great discoveries made there. What inter- course he might have with the Spirit of Moses, we know not ; but it is certain they knew each other somo time after on Mount Tabor. Waiting thus, like his great predecessor, for a time, the glory of the Lord was displayed beic.-e him, and the ques- tion put, " What dost thou here, Elijah I" In his answer to which, he seems to intimate I have nothing to do here. Israel has departed from thy ways, and why should I.abide on earth any longer. Let me now come up. As a pledge his prayer is heard, he is commanded to anoint Elisha to remain a prophet in his room. And when the appointed time was come, walking with Elisha, he seems desirous of being alone, (perhaps the powers of darkness now made their last assault, endeavouring to shake his faith with regard to the great event just ready to take place,) and bids his friend again and again to tarry behind. But Elisha, unwilling to lose any part of his blessing, answers, " As the Lord liveth, and as thy soul liveth, I will not leave thee." He then asks him, What shall I do for f.ee before I am taken away 1 Elisha answers, " Let a double portion of thy spirit be upon me." To which Elijah replies, "Thou hast asked a hard thing." Now if a double portion of holiness was all Elisha meant, it was an odd answer, for we know there are no limits to that petition. We may ask as much of the nature of God as we please, and he will do '* exceeding abundantly above all we can ask or think." And no doubt Elijah knew enough of the mind of God to know that. But might not he mean, let me have the two portions of thy spirit, not only thy communion with God, but let my intellectual sight be opened as thine. Let me also discern the heavenly company where- with we are surrounded, and commune with " the spirits of just men made perfect," though as yet I only by faith behold the Gospel day ] This therefore did seem a hard thing ; for as Elisha was to die like other men, the prophet might not know whether this favour was to be granted to him or not ; and, therefore, as re- PART V.] MRS. FLETCHER. 145 ferring to the thing itself, he says, (as it were,) " If thou seeet me when I am taken from thee," when the spiritual change hath passed upon me, then it shall be so, and then thy inward sight will be opened'. But if I become invisible to thee, as to the sons of the prophets who stand afar off to gaze, it shall not be so. It is not the will of God concerning thee. Bat the "effectual fervent prayer of the righteous man availed." Elisha saw both him and his heavenly convoy, while the sons of the prophets saw neither ; and, therefore, went on to the mountains to seek Elijah. And that this supernatural sight remained with Elisha, we have reason to believe ; for beiag in Dothan, and surrounded with a great host come to take away his life, his servant said to him, " Alas, master ! what shall we do ?" The prophet at once answers, " They are more that be with us, than they that be with them ;" and adds, " Lord, open the young man's eyes, that he may see !" And "the Lord opened the young man's eyes, nnd he saw, and behold, the mountain was full of chariots and horses of fire round about Elisha." It is remarkable this spirit which rested on Elisha was more con- spicuous than that which rested on Elijah, perhaps to prevent the thought, though the man who was to enter heaven alive, was thus favoured, no other must expect it. Nay, but God, who delights to confer his greatest favours on the weakest objects, can confer on us all, that which he bestowed on Elijah and Elisha. And, if under that dark dispensation, why not in this Gospel day, concerning which it is foretold, " Your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams'!" The Apostle tells us, "We are not come to mount Sinai," whero Israel both saw the power and heard the voice of God ; but to mount Zion, where we have communion "with the general assembly of angels, the church of the first born, the spirits of just men made perfect, with Jesus the mediator of the new covenant ;" yea, and have access " to God, the judge of till." And were we better acquainted with the privileges of our dispensation, we should become, in a more full manner, inheriters, with " the saints in light." But though it is allowed we may have communion with angels, various are the objections raised against the belief of our communion with that other part of the heavenly family, the disembodied spirits of the just. I shall consider these objections one by one. Lord, help me in so doing ! Let me at least strive to comprehend something of " the length, and breadth, and depth, and height, of the great victory obtained for us over death ;" give me to see a little into that truth, "We are brought from mount Sinai to mount Zion." Objection the first. If a good spirit loves those "/Jiich it loved before, and is acquainted with all Uieir proceedings, will ,cot the sins and miseries of those they thus know and love, I? J46 THE LIFE OP [PART V. render them unhappy, or at least mar their happiness in some degree 1 I answer, there are two kinds of love. If the persons they loved continue sinners, there will doubtless be a separa- tion of spirit, yet I believe a remembrance and a pity will continue. It is said of the Almighty, that " it repented the Lord he had made man," and that " it grieved him at the heart ;" and again, that " he was grieved with their manners in the wilderness forty years." Nevertheless his own immiu table happiness was not interrupted thereby. Now as the saints yet on earth are made partakers of the Divine nature, and much more " the spirits of just men made perfect," so I should imagine their happiness would, in that respect, remain as immutable as that of the holy angels did, when so many of their once dear companions they now daily behold as devils. I cannot let it into my thoughts that ignorance makes up any part of celestial glory, or that forgetfulness can be entered into by their nearer approach to Him, " before whom all things are open and manifest ;" and " in whom is no darkness at all." But if an entire alienation of affection from the wicked should be needful, that is no proof it is the same with the* right- eous ; for if the sins of obstinate sinners would afflict them, the growth of grace in the righteous would augment their joy ; and our Lord himself tells us, " There is joy in heaven over one sinner that repenteth." If you say, But this joy is only among the angels ; I answer, Can we suppose those faithful attendants on the heirs of salvation so carefully to conceal this joy within their own bosoms, as to exclude the heavenly spirits who stand in a much nearer relation to us ? Can we believe they have not all their joys in common ] No, no ; in the church of Jerusalem they proved that " great grace was upon them all," by their community of goods. And shall our narrow hearts let in the thought that they have not all their joys in common in the church above] Yea, verily, "the general assembly of angels, the church of the first born," and "the spirits of just men made perfect," are but one innumerable company, con-' cerning whom it may well be said, "Lift your eyes of faith, and see Saints and angels join'd in one '. What a countless company Stands before yon dazzling throne !" If, then, there is joy throughout all the realms above, yea, " more joy over one sinner that repenteth, than over the ninety and nine which went not astray," how evident it is to an impartial eye, that the state both of the one and the other must be known there, together with the progress of each individual. Objection the second. Is not a spirit divested of the body, become of a quite different, nature from what it was before, so as to be incapable of the same feelings 1 I answer, Certainly PART V.] MRS. FLETCHER. 147 no ; the spirit is the man. The spirit of my dear husband loved and cared for me, and longed above every other desire for my spiritual advancement. Now if it were the body, why doth it not love me still'! You answer, Because it is dead. That is to say, the spirit is gone from it ; therefore, that which loved me is gone from it. And what is that but the spirit, which actuated the body, as the clock-work does the hand which tells the hour? It therefore appears quite clear to me, that every right affection, sentiment, and feeling of mind, we have been exercised in here, will remain in the spirit just the same immediately after death. Nevertheless, as with the righteous, heavenly light and love will daily grow stronger, and with the wicked will be an increasing darkness, so there may be, perhaps, in a few days, a much greater change on the newly glorified spirit, than in the understanding of a child in seven years. The point therefore to be considered is, Will not a continuance and growth in the heavenly state erase those affections and ideas so strongly impressed on the spirit at its first entrance therein ? To which I reply, As spiritual union arises from a communication of the love which flows from the heart of Christ, I cannot but believe a nearer approach to its centre, and a fuller measure of that divine principle, must increase, and not diminish, the union between kindred souls ; and that their change will consist, not in the loss, but in the improvement of all that is good. Whatever agrees with the nature of heaven cannot be destroyed, but increased by their abode therein. Now are not love and gratitude natives of heaven which dwell for ever there ? If in our present state an abundance of grace is poured out on the soul, what is the effect ? Doth it make us forgetfu^ of kindnesses received 1 Doth it not rather raise the soul to such a pitch of gratitude, that it is ready to see favours where really there are none ? And shall not the same love, when per- fected in heaven, have the same effect in a more perfect degree ? The mistake lies here ; we forget that Christian love and union below are the same in kind, though not in degree, with those above ; and we might as well suppose when we enter into the realms of light, that we shall plunge into darkness for want of the natural sun, as to suppose that Christian love and union must be destroyed by an abode in that kingdom, where the very element we breathe shall be eternal love. Doubtless we shall know, and gratefully acknowledge, the ministering spirits who have served us here, and be sensible that gratitude is immortal, and does not change its sentiments with its place. I think all this is clear from those words of our Lo^d, " Make to yourselves friends of the mammon of unrighteousness, that when ye fail on earth, they," viz. those whom you have helped, " may receive you into everlasting habitations." 148 THE LIFE OF [PART V. Objection the third. But are they not so taken up with admir- ing Jesus, as to lose every other affection in him ? I answer, That love of Jesus which fills the soul with the admiration of liis graces, is a love begotten by that which reigns in the heart of Christ himself; consequently it is of the same nature. But is the love of Jesus a barren and inactive love ? Did it produce in our Lord such an enjoyment of his own pure nature, or such a shutting up in the glories and delights of the Trinity, as to render him forgetful ot his creatures 1 Or did it bring him down to " die for his enemies, and receive gifts for the rebel- lious ?" When a powerful effusion of grace is poured out on our souls, are we not then most willing and ready to help our neighbour, and to cry out .with that good woman, Jane Muncy, " Methinks I am all spirit ! I have no rest day or night but irv gathering souls to God." Surely, then, we may with safety believe, that a holy unembodied spirit feels the same effect from a fuller effusion of the same love ; and that as soon as he hears that word, " I will give thee many things to be faithful over," he immediately enters more fully than ever into the joy of his Lord, which is the joy of doing his creatures good. Objection the fourth. But though it may be allowed that the angels are ministering spirits to the saints, in honour of their Lord, who hath taken our nature upon him, we do not know but the spirits of just men made perfect, being of a higher order by their near relation to their Head, may be exempt from that servitude. I answer, To this objection may not those words of our Lord be applied, "Ye know not what manner of spirit ye are of?" "He that will be greatest, let him be servant,'* saith Jesus Christ, who came himself " not to be ministered unto, but to minister ; and if our Lord washed our feet," shatt we be above the same employment ? Jesus our Master, though in his glorified state, calls himself the " Shepherd of his sheep," and walks with jealous care amidst his "candlesticks of g'old, holding the stars in his right hand ;" and I can no more believe the divinest spirit in glory above the service of mankind, than I can believe there is pride in heaven. Abraham is represented as receiving Lazarus to his bosom, and as giving a mild answer even to a damned spirit ! And when souls at the foot of the altar cried How long ? they were told " to wait till their fellow servants came also." Did they not then remember their fellow servants ? When the heart is full of grace, it delighte in the meanest office, and feels pleasure in yielding happiness even to an insect. We are sensible no part of our worship is more pleasant in the sight of God than obedience, and no employ- ment more delightful to the saints than that of promoting the glory of God. Now the Lord hath said of his creatures, "I have created thee for my glory ; I have formed thee for my praise !" Shall not then the blessed spirits be very zealous in PART V.] MRS. FLETCHER. 149 promoting that glory ? The glory of God and our interest are inseparably one. And are they not " one spirit with the Lord ?" And is not their highest delight in that in which he most delights, which is the salvation of his people * So that an exemption from serving the church would rather create pain than give satisfaction. Again, the highest honour that can be conferred on a crea- ture, is to have the nearest resemblance to its creating Head. Now he hath said to the believer," I will dwell in you, I will come and make my abode with you." The soul who hath felt a small degree of pure love can answer this objection at once from the feelings of his own heart ; the language of which is, / love him continually, and therefore / will feed his lambs. Objection the fifth. But as paradise is a place, as well as a state, and finite beings are not omnipresent, any more than omnipotent, how can they be there and here in the same mo- ment ? I answer, I do not suppose they can. But if I were to tell you of a minister who daily visited his flock, inquired into all their concerns, and knew their whole situation, would you say it was impossible, because he lives in that house, which is his home, and he cannot be in two places at the same tune 1 And yet it is certain we are perfectly acquainted with the situation of many, who do not live with us in the same house. If we see them but once a week, our shallow capacities can take in all they tell us of their past and present state. But if instead of waiting for the slow and imperfect conveyance of words, we could by a cast of the eye read every thought in a moment, and without labour visit them as easily as the sun shines in at their windows, (though it still remains in its proper place,) our acquaintance would be much more perfect. We are now in the body, and have senses and faculties suited thereto ; therefore our human eye can at once measure the body of our child, and discern every wound or bruise, or even a speck of dirt thereon. And have not spirits faculties suited to spirits, by which we may suppose they can as easily discern your soul, as you could discern their body when they were hi the same state as yourself? And may there not be a way by which a spirit actually before the throne of God, may still see and serve the souls committed to its care, supposing them to act as ministering spirits 1 I ask, If you had never heard of a looking-glass, would you understand me if I said, Though you stand at one end of that long gallery, and I at the other, with my back toward you, 1 can discern your every action and motion, and know every change! Aud yet such a knowledge the looking-glass would convey to me. Now, if all things on earth are patterns or shadows of those above, may not something analogous to the g lass represent to the world of spirits aa just a picture of the 13* 150 THE LIFE OF [PART T, changes of posture in the spirit, as the glass does those of the body 1 Some have supposed the appearance or representation of every soul still in the body to be constantly seen in heaven. That this may be without the knowledge of the person con- cerned is evident; because Ananias knew nothing, till God said to him, (speaking of Saul,) " Behold, he prayeth ; and hath seen in a vision a man named Ananias coming in, and putting his hand on him, that he might receive his sight." Various dreams of pious persons, who have thought they saw their appearances in paradise, over which the heavenly com- pany mourned or rejoiced, as well as the amazing instances of second sight, seem to strengthen this opinion. If this seem strange, let us consider how strange it would appear to us, if we had never heard of letters, to be informed there was a method among many nations, of wrapping up their thoughts in a bit of paper, and by that means conveying them hundreds of miles into the bosom of their dearest friends ! As little could you conceive of the faculty of speech had you never known it ; or the commanding knowledge which the eye gives you over a large space, and a number of persons in one moment, had you been born blind. But though I mention these similes, because some can only conceive of spiritual matters by gross ideas, I believe our union to be far more close with the hea- venly host than to need these representations. What else doth those words of the Apostle mean, "We are come to the general assembly, to the church of the first born, and to the spirits of just men made perfect V And if " He maketh his angels spirits, and his ministers a flame of fire," cannot a spirit be with me in a moment, as easily as a stroke from an electrical machine can convey the fire for many miles in one moment, through thousands of bodies, if properly linked together ? That the devils are about us and know our thoughts is evident. A sinful thought is suggested ; we answer it by Scripture. Im- mediately it is answered again. And shall not departed happy spirits, who are so much more of one nature with us, have the same power 1 Mr. Wesley has a beautiful observation in his sermon on those words. " Are they not all ministering spirits sent forth to minister for them who shah 1 be heirs of salvation V He says, " That the guardian angels know our thoughts seems clear from the nature of their charge, which is certainly first for the soul, and but in a secondary sense for the body." And are not our kindred spirits more nearly related to us than the angels ] Why then should they not have the same discern- ment? But to return to our first question. Can they be here and in paradise at the same time 1 Otherwise, how can they con- stantly minister to us ? Perhaps we shall not be able to compre- hend this till that word is accomplished, " Then shall we kupw PART V.] MRS. FLETCHER. 151 even as also we are known." But if this cannot be, then we must give up all the agency of angels, for the same argument will hold good against that. And yet our Lord hath said, " Despise not these little ones, for I say unto you, in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father who is in heaven." Objection the sixth. But is it not said of the dead, "They are gone into the land where all things are forgotten V And is it not the design of the Almighty that our union should cease with our life, and that death should divide us 1 As to the first part of the objection, I allow there is in psalm eighty-eight an expression which implies forgetfulness ; but I think it is spoken of the body, which will remain in this state of forgetfulness, till reanimated by the spirit. But what has that to do with the soul ? We hear of the souls at the foot of the altar, who cried, " How long, O Lord, till thou judge and avenge our blood on those who dwell on the earth V And they were told "to rest till their brethren and fellow servants should be slain as they were." Here was a remembrance both of friends and enemies, as also of the manner of their own death. Again, " the four living creatures, and the twenty-four elders" in their song of praise, have these words, " Thou art worthy, for thou wast slain, and hast redeemed us to God by thy blood, out of every kin- dred, and tongue, and people, and nation." They are also emblematically represented as having "vials full of incense in their hand, which arc the prayers of the saints :" wherewith surely their desires (and consequently remembrance) are joined. Abraham is called the father of the faithful, because of his stead- fast belief of the promise concerning Isaac, and is set forth aa an example to us. Can we believe him to have forgotten that whole event ? Certainly the angel who called to Abraham, and said, " Lay not thy hand on the lad," remembers it ; for we can- not suppose him to have passed through any change of nature since that time. If you say it was the Angel of the covenant, yet doubtless many of the heavenly host were witnesses to that great and typical transaction : and must all the wisdom of God manifested by the church, as the Apostle observes, and " made known, thereby to the principalities and powers in heaven," must, I say, all the prophecies, types, and revelations, as well as their accomplishment, remain for ever the subject of admiration and praise among the angels, and yet " the spirits of just men made perfect," the subjects for whom, and'on whom, all was fulfilled, must they only be locked up in forgetfulness ? Are they, with ignorant amazement, to hear Gabriel repeat his conversation with Zechariah ? Or does he in vain endeavour to stir up in Mary a remembrance of the salutation she received from the same bright messenger 1 Shall Moses and Elias only remem- ber the scene on Mount Tabor, whilt Peter, James, and John 152 THE LIFE or [PART v. remember neither it nor them ? If you say, doubtless every scene relating to the Saviour will be remembered, but we shall not remember or know one another. I answer, The one can- not subsist without the other. If Abraham remembers the type in Isaac, with the exercise of his faith when "he hoped against hope," he must remember Sarah, the removal of Hagar, with every remarkable circumstance of Isaac's birth. Will it not then be a great lessening of his praise and triumph, if he can- not know whether Isaac and Sarah are with him in glory ? If you carry it a little farther, and say, doubtless he knows they are there ; then for what cause can he be forbid knowing and conversing with them 1 Or, is this privilege only granted to Moses and Elias, who, I again say, doubtless knew each other on the holy mount as well as the disciples knew them. < Can we suppose Adam to have a just conception of the incar- nation and death of the Messiah, and yet to forget the circum- stances of his own fall, which occasioned this gracious union ? Must he not then remember Eve, and eternally rejoice to see how the Seed of the woman has indeed bruised the serpent's head ? The account of the rich man and Lazarus alone is sufficient to answer every objection. They could see and know each other, though one was in heaven and the other in hell, consequently each could see all on earth. Abraham knew the state and situation of both so as to say, Thou hast had thy good things and Lazarus his evil things. And the rich man could remember his Jive brethren. If you object and say this was a parable, (which there is no room to assert,) would our adorable Lord put forth a parable full of deceptions and wrong ideas, suited to lead us into error rather than truth 1 I do not wonder a poor Heathen should dream of a river of forgetfulness, by drinking of which all former scenes were to be lost in oblivion. But for a soul enlightened by revelation, to forget that a day is coming in which every secret thing shall be made known, is indeed a melancholy proof that darkness hath covered the earth, and gross darkness the people. The second part of the objection we will now consider. Some have alleged, that though it is certain we shall remem- ber and know one another, because without that remembrance many subjects of praise would be lost in oblivion, nevertheless will not all particular unions cease, and is it not the design of God that death should divide? To answer this objection, I must premise, that what is of God shall stand. I plead only for that union which has God for its source ; and I think it would not be hard to prove, that what God hath joined together, death cannot put asunder. To that question, therefore, Is it not the design of God that death should divide us ? I answer, Division comes not from God, but from the devil. God, both iu Ms nature and works, is perfect unity, and his original *ART v.] MRS. FLETCHER. 153 design for our first parents was not sorrow, consequently not separation. If we suppose their friendship was not to have been immortal, we must suppose pain to be in paradise ; for Adam could not without pain inform Eve of such an awful secret, that when they had praised God together for a certain time, they must eternally forget each other ! That he should no longer remember he was formed out of the dust, nor Eve 'her miraculous and near relation to him! Would not this information have been a bitter draught even in paradise ? Or suppose he had said, Though we shall have a bare remembrance of each transaction, nevertheless that close union, that endear- ing oneness of soul, of which the love of God is the foundation, that very union hereafter the love of God is to dissolve. This would indeed have been in itself exceeding bitter, and there- fore never was the original design of love. It was sin that brought in separation. It was owing to the hardness of our heart, for in the beginning it was not so ; for God created one man and one woman. Well may we, therefore, mourn for the separation death occasions ; and our sorrow is countenanced by Jesus himself, who wept over the ravage of this dreadful enemy, when he saw the consequences of it in Martha's and Mary's tears. I allow that it is true most unions on earth are dissolved by death, because the friendships of the world are oft confedera- cies of vice, or leagues of pleasure ; and few can add, " OUTS hath severest virtue for its basis, And such a friendship ends not but with life." The Christian can say more ; it ends not even with life. In the church below we are commanded to love our neighbour as ourselves, and to consider our fellow Christians as members of one body ; but does this obligation prevent particular unions ? Let that soul be the judge who hath felt most of the love of God and his neighbour. For otherwise, there is, indeed, a love of propriety, or, in other words, self-love reflected, which purity of heart will remove. But as similitude joins, and dissimilitude separates, so those spirits who are joined by their similitude of love and pure worship, who having been led in one path, (and probably prepared for one mansion,) can as easily retain a peculiar union without any diminution of their love to others, as a married couple can retain their love to each other, not- withstanding they have a dozen children to share it with them. My experience in the love of God is very shallow ; yet I have felt enough to satisfy me, that the more our love to God increases, the nearer will be our love to each other, and the more indissoluble the tie ; and the stronger this union, the more it will reflect on all around ; and turning to its source, the love of Jesus will reflect back again With a perpetual increasing purity. But I build my strongest argument on those words, O death. 154 THE LIFE OF [PART V. where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory ? If death can eternally separate kindred spirits, it hath eternally a sting ! And if the grave can eternally retain the body, it would have an eternal victory. But there is a covenant made with ov dust. His elect shall be gathered from the four winds. Bone shall come to its bone, and not one forget its socket. And shall nothing be lost but our spiritual union ? Shall the grand enemy still have that one trophy left to glory in, and to* insult over the saints of God ] Shall we believe him when he says, "A day is coming in which your closest unions, your purest ties of friendship, shall be no more ! All that wonderful chain of providences, in which angels were employed in bring- ing you together, shall be sunk in eternal oblivion ! Indeed this was not the original design of the Almighty ; but I have overturned this one great design of love, and that so effectually, that the Saviour himself could not restore it ; and instead of having abolished all the consequences of death, it leaves the scar of separation for ever ! Now I am the father of death, and have so far conquered, that what God hath in design eter- nally joined together, I have eternally put asunder !" Ah, no ! glory be to our victorious Conqueror ! death shall be for ever swallowed up in complete victory ! He hath abolished it, with all its consequences, and brought life and immortality to light by the Gospel. He hath broken down the wall, removed the veil ; and through him we are come to the church of the first-born, to the spirits of just men made perfect. We are fellow citizens with the saints, and of the household of God ! And having overcome the sharpness of death, he hath already opened the kingdom of heaven to all believers. Perhaps some may say, But if it be thus, why do not the Scriptures plainly tell us, death is no division but on our side ; and that our friends still see, hear, and are about us? I answer, There may be many reasons why a veil should be drawn over this heavenly secret. It is probable the primitive church knew it more perfectly ; but what was the consequence 1 When they left their first love, they no longer held the Head, but ran into the false humility of the worship of angels, instead of worshipping God only, and adoring him for the angelic ministry. Perhaps some communion with departed spirits caused the first step into the egregious errors of the Papists ; and man, ever prone to extremes, knew not how to throw away the abuse, without throwing away the use of this hea- venly secret. Nevertheless, " The secret of the Lord is still with the righteous, and his ear is open to their prayers. He will manifest himself to them, though not unto the world ;" and he will grant to heavenly minds, when he sees good, a heavenly communication with the church triumphant. About this time I had a letter from my brother-in-law, De la PART V.] MRS, FLETCHER. 155 Flechere, in Switzerland, letting me know that his son was coming to England, and he wished him to spend some time with me ; hoping the sight of the place on which his dear uncle had spent so many years' labour, might, with the bless- ing of God, raise some thoughts in his mind of the importance of a rehgipus life. I laid the matter before the Lord, believino- he would order all right ; for ever since the removal of my oeloved husband, I have so experienced the effects of his last prayer, "Head of the church, be head to my wife," that I'was not permitted to doubt that all concerning me was under the Lord's immediate direction. And though my state was not for the present joyous, yet, through all, I inwardly believed the hairs of my head were numbered. Some particular circum- stances, however, caused me to think it was the order of God I should go to Bristol, Bath, and some other places, and that now was the time ; for after my return, it might be that the Lord had something for me to do or to suffer here. Since my marriage I had travelled a good deal with my dear Mr. Fletcher, and in these journeys had often suffered much through needless fears ; the most predominant passion of my soul by nature. And what, thought I, should such a poor creature as J do with only Sally, and under some disadvantages I had not then 1 But still I believed it to be the call of God. ; At the time I had appointed to set out, there was an appear- ance of much snow, which caused my friends to advise me to put off my journey a little longer ; but as this would have deranged some plans, I thought it better to follow the course which I had fixed. When all was ready, and I was waiting for the carriage, I cast my eyes on the Bible which lay open before me, at the thirty-fourth psalm. Much of it was applied to my heart ; in particular these words : O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together. I sought the //ord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. * aith sprung up in -my heart. I said. It shall be fulfilled ; and ,rom that hour I have felt such a change, in regard to fear, as I can give no one an idea of, unless they should have suffered as I have done, from the same infirmity. All the way as I went through various things, which would once have been very painful, I could feel those words my own, which for so many years I had longed after, viz. that " Resig- nation left me no room for fear." No ; " The angel of the Lord encampeth round about them that fear him, and deliver- eth them." Many providences I met with in my journey, and very clearly did I see the hand of the Lord in various places and things. While I was at Bristol, in the house of my kind and affection- ate friend, sister Johnson, I was agreeably surprised with the sight of Mr. H***, who had left his native place, 'and was just 156 THE LIFE OF [PART V. come to settle at Bristol, because he believed it most profitable for his soul. He presented me to his wife, a serious woman, saying, My dear, this is your mother also, for she is mine ; and both assured me of their determination to be entirely devoted to God. As there was something singular in this affair, I wfll mention the particulars. In the journey which I took with sister Ryan to Clifton, for her health, when I was about the age of twenty-seven, we lodged in a house where the tamily were very ungodly. There was only my sick friend, myself, and the nurse ; and our whole apartments consisted of two chambers. After we had been there two or three days, we observed some things which we did not like very well. One night there was a strange noise below stairs, as of very rattling, wild company. It may be supposed it did not well agree with my sorrowful heart ; for at that season I had nothing to expect (humanly speaking) but to bury my dear friend there, or carry her back in a coffin, only she had various promises to the contrary, which sometimes I believed, and sometimes doubted. On inquiring next morning, they informed us that " Mr. H*** was come, and now they should be all alive." I had before asked the family (who did not appear to be persons of the best character) if they would choose to come up into my room in the morning to family prayer, as they were only women ? But they never, as I remember, accepted the invitation. How- ever, some days after the above mentioned racket, they sent me word, "If I pleased, Mr. H*** and themselves would wait on me to prayer the next morning." I did not dare to refuse, and answered, they were welcome. God only knew what a cross I felt in so doing ! I had all the reason that could be, to think they only wanted to divert themselves ; and the receiving a wild young gentleman, with such gay ladies, into my bed- chamber, seemed to me a strange enterprise. The chapter 1 chose to read was the twenty-fifth of Matthew. I spoke with freedom on each of the parables, and found God was with my mouth. I did not much look off the book, till about the middle of the parable of the talents, I cast my eyes toward Mr. H***, and was surprised to find his earnestly fixed on me, and swim- ming with tears. When prayer was over, he respectfully returned me thanks, and went down stairs. After attending three mornings, he stopped behind the family, and told me, when they were gone, that he was convinced he had led a bad Jife, and he wished to learn how to do better ; that he was free from all business, had a good fortune, and \yas only here accidentally ; and if I would tell ' him where he could get instruction, and help for his soul, he would go -any where ; " for this house," said he, " I must leave." From the first morning there was no more noise, singing, breaking glasses, or rude behaviour of any kind. As my friend grew worse, we TART V.] MRS. FLETCHER. 157 were desired to leave Clifton, and try Bath. There she recovered to admiration ; and in a short time we returned to the orphan house at Laytonstone. Mr. H*** made good his words ; and cultivating the friendship of some pious persons whom we had recommended to him in London, particularly brother George Clark, he became much confirmed in the truth ; and hath ever since remained a follower thereof, and a promoter of the prosperity of Zion. At Bristol also I met with poor Fanny,* much grown in grace, and adorning her profession. And after a month's absence, I was brought again in peace to Madeley, and constrained to say " In all my ways his hand I own ; His ruling providence I see." I now found my dear love's relations in Switzerland laid greatly on my mind in prayer ; and sometimes when engaged therein, it has seemed to me as if his dear spirit so joined with me, as I cannot express ; and for his nephew in particular, whom I expected, I was greatly drawn out in intercession. Being poorly one Saturday night, about ten o'clock, (the last week in May,) I was about retiring to bed, when word was brought me that my nephew was arrived. He could speak but little English, and I but little French. This was the first I had seen of my dear husband's relations. He was of his own name, his godson, and his only nephew. But, alas ! I now received him alone, and instead of showing him his dear uncle, and sweet instructor, I could only lead him to the silent tomb, and say, " Live as he lived, and thou shalt die as he died." I found him, as I expected, quite carnal, and very averse to the things of God. As my spirits were very weak, and his pretty high, I wished to have him rather as a visiter than one of my family ; and Providence so appointed for me. Mr. Home, the curate, understanding French, kindly offered to receive him into his house, until he was more perfect in the English lan- guage. I soon discovered he was of a sweet temper, a fine understanding, and outwardly very moral ; but withal a strong Deist ; and as he delighted much in philosophy, he placed such confidence therein, as to believe he could set us all right, if he might have but five hours' dispute with us. I inquired of the Lord concerning the method I should use toward him ; and saw, for the present, I was only called to shcrtv him condescension and love to consider myself as his servant in Christ, and therefore to stand always ready to take up my cross, and in every thing innocent to do his will rather than my own. And as I could not say much to him in words, I must the more endeavour to show him, by the example of * The Jewess mentioned in the farmer visit 14 158 THE LIFE or [PART v. myself and family, that religion justly bears the character given Jier in those words : " Mild, sweet, serene and tender is her mode, Nor grave with sternness, nor with lightness free: Against example resolutely good ; Fervent in zeal and warm in charity." It appeared to me as if those four lines were given me as a direction which I must ever keep before my eyes. And much did I plead with the Lord, that nothing he saw in me, or mine, might tend to set him farther off from God. When we could converse in English with tolerable ease, I perceived he had not only imbibed many wrong sentiments, but had such a stock of Pharisaical righteousness as I scarcely ever met with before. One day, as he was talking in his free way, about the truths of the Gospel, a friend said, " If your aunt hears you talk at this rate she will be much grieved." He replied, " But I will not say these things to her ; though should my aunt talk much to me about religion, I fear I shall not keep my temper : for my uncle drove many people mad when he was abroad. I do believe there were three hundred who were quite mad ! They talked of being filled with love, and kept praying and running together, not only while he was there, but since that time also." Hearing of this, I said, " Tell him I will promise to keep my temper whether he does or not, for my love to him has a better foundation than he can shake." In order to improve in the English language, he proposed to read to me some hours in a day ; and I was to choose the books. Mr. Wesley was so kind as to send him Beatty's Evidences of the Christian Religion, which he read with some pleasure : but as yet his heart remained untouched. I was very conscious I had none of that wisdom which in cases of this kind is often very useful ; and where it is joined with divine unction, does beautifully illustrate the truths it endeavours to defend. But that word was remembered with pleasure, "I will choose the foolish things of the world to con- found the wisdom of the wise." And again, "My strength shall be made perfect in weakness." Well, thought I, if I have no philosophical arguments to bring, I will so much the more cry to the strong for strength. I cannot do with the armour I have not proved : but the stone of conviction, and the sling of faith, is that which I must depend on ; and when these are directed by the Spirit of God, nothing can stand against them. Many of the Protestants in Switzerland are Deists ; they are nevertheless very strict in bringing the young people to the communion ; and they esteem it a reproach to do otherwise. My nephew expressed a desire of joining with us in that mean of grace ; for having been from home some years at the uni- PART V.] MRS. FLETCHER. versity, he had not yet been brought to the table. Mr. Home told him freely his scruples in receiving him as a communi- cant ; but after much conversation, he perceived a degree o conviction, and a desire to know the truth, and consented to admit him. .. The first time he came to the table, as he was kneeling beside me, and Mr. Home was speaking those words, "The blood of the Lord Jesus Christ which was shed for thee found such a power of prayer spring up in my heart, it seemed as if I claimed a ray of the divinity just then to penetrate his soul. He hath since told me, he felt something very particular at that moment. My greatest difficulty, however, lay here, he did not believe the Scriptures. I was therefore cut off from drawinor any arguments from them, and could only hold to this, the necessity of a change, in order to be capable of enjoying the Supreme Being. I observed to him, You believe heaven to be a state, and a place of holiness, and the happiness there to be separate from all sin ; is there not then an absolute need of having a dispo- sition suited thereto? This he readily allowed; but added, " Then I will make myself this new creature. The buprenn Beino- hath not left his work imperfect. He hath given me powers sufficient, if I do but use them ; and if I am to do a by this grace of God, as you say, then what has God to thank me for ?" I endeavoured to convince him of our utter helpless- ness, except through that assistance which we draw from union with God through the Saviour, without whom we cannot do any thing. He replied, " Indeed, aunt, that is not my case. -1 do not know how it may be with others, but for me, I do assure you, there is no snare I cannot avoid, nor any passion 1 cannot As he abhorred the doctrine of the fall as much as that of the divinity of our Lord, I did not speak often on those heads. I Boucrht rather to convince him he was fallen, whether through Adam, or any other way, and that he was a sinner and unfit for heaven: and narrowly did I watch for every opportunity o pointing out any disposition that would help to prove my argu- ment, though it was very difficult to bring him to a conscious- ness of any. At last I observed he had an abhorrence of the sin of envy, and a sensibility of having felt it. I then, on every proper occasion, enlarged on the happiness of the blest, as con- sisting in love, the very contrary to selfishness, which was the principle from which envy took its life ; and therefore he must become a new creature to enter into that state. This he now began to see, and sometimes to feel ; but all my hopes appear- ed to be overturned at once, by a circumstance which occurrei He had fixed his affections on a lady, from whom about tl time he thought he received some encouragement. Elated 160 THE LIFE OF [PART V. with joy, he was carried out of himself! Thc?e was nothing left for me to take hold of. He had no ear tc ,iear but on one subject. I returned to a silent waiting before uhe Lord. One night about the beginning of November, I dreamed I was in a church, standing by a communion table, on which lay a large Common Prayer Book, open in the service of matri- mony. I observed it was all marked, as my dear husband used to mark those books he much approved. I beheld it with plea- sure, for being near the 12th of November, I took it as a token that he remembered with approbation the transaction of that day, our marriage. I was conscious of the presence of hifi dear spirit, as sent to communicate something to me. As I looked on the book, he signified to me the whole was emble- matic, though few entered into the spirituality of it : adding, " This is a great mystery : I speak concerning Christ and the church." As I cast my eyes on that word, " Who giveth this woman to this man V he pointed me to that text, " None cometh to the Son but whom the Father draweth." As nothing was spoken in words, it is difficult to describe the ideas which were conveyed to my mind. A gleam of light seemed to break forth in my soul, by which I discovered in how full a sense the souls of the redeemed are given by the Father to the Son, as his bride ! I then thought on those words, " The marriage of the Lamb is come, and nis wife hath made herself ready." In this acceptable moment, my nephew came to my mind. I said with a groan, O for our nephew ! Immediately I saw a little bird fly round and round. I said, That is the emblem of rny nephew's spirit. If it come to me and I take it up, his soul will be given unto me. I had no sooner spoke the word, but it came and alighted on the table before me. I took it up, stroked it, and let it fly again. A thought then struck my mind, O, but he does not believe the Scriptures ! The bird came, and 1 took it up the second time. As it flew again, I thought, O, but he does not believe in the divinity of our Lord ! Imme- diately it returned, and I took it up a third time. I no more saw it flying, but a beautiful large bird stood with great solem- nity before me, and I awoke. As I was in prayer a little time after the above dream, these words bore on my mind, "He setteth the solitary in families, and maketh them households as a flock of sheep." Also, "Thy sons shall come from far; 'and thy daughters shall be unrsed at thy side." It was on the Monday night I had the dream here related ; and on the following Friday, my nephew- received a flat denial from the before-mentioned lady. Here all his philosophy and boasted reason failed. He was as one driven to desperation. The next night he told me all his heart, saying, " O aunt ! if you could see into ray breast, you would see how troubled I am for the pain I have caused you. But V.J MR g. FLETCHER. 181 now I see you are in the right No ! we cannot do without the help of God. I thought I could conquer every passion, but now I find they are taller and bigger than I." After telling me now many trials and disappointments he had met with in life, he added, " Do, dear aunt, pray with me." I did so, he weep- ing all the time with groans. When we rose from our knees, he said, "Ah! I am in the wrong, I thought all religion stood m the abhorrence of outward evil ! but now I see there is some- thing more." I told him my dream ; when I carne to that part of it relating to himself, he was much moved, and said, "O, aunt, if it depend on me, it shall be accomplished, indeed it shall. The next morning, he told me, that after we had parted the last night, as he was striving to pray, he found all his troubles gone, and felt for a few moments such a tranquillity as he had never known before. Bui: his trouble, as well as his reluctance to believe, returned again : yet with this difference, he had now a consciousness that he was wrong, and expressed a great desire to know and embrace the truth. From some concurring circumstances, I believed it to be the order of God to invite him to live with me the remainder of the ..ime he had to stay in England ; but remembering what a friend had said, "I cannot converse with him any more ; he tears open all the wounds of unbelief;"! said, " Lord, shall it be so with me ?" and was answered by the application of that word to my mind, " I will not send you a warfare at your own charges." And glory be to my adorable Lord, so it proved : tor all he could say served but to light up a fresh candle in my soul! Every time I read the Scriptures, a new lustre shone on every part, and the divine evidence rose higher and higher in my heart. I could now observe he heard with deep attention and one day he said to me, "Aunt, it is not now that I will not believe, but that I cannot ; for when you read the chapter night and morning, and tell your thoughts upon it, it seems unanswer- able. Jiut then something comes some thoughts, I do not seek them, but they come and throw me all back aouin. His state was now very uncomfortable. Sometimes he was just ready to receive the Scriptures as truth : then a variety of objections would start up in his mind, and cause him to cry out How can these things be 1" If we cannot be saved without believing that Jesus is God, why did he live and die in such obscurity ? Would not a merciful Being have rendered every thing quite clear that he required his creatures to believe, upon pain of their salvation ?* He added many arguments frequently used by Deists, such as, "How clearly doth the whole crea- + The God of infinite mercy, justice, and truth, has madt all dear The nces or hu being are not stronger than the nidentet of the relieion he ha* t&uefli bo bo, 14* 162 THE LIFE OF [PART V. tion prove a Supreme Creator ! The day and night, the sun and moon, and all creatures ! We cannot help believing they have a Maker. Why is not the divinity of Jesus Christ made as easy to be believed as these things ?" I replied, the belief of those things you have mentioned, are by the outward senses ; but religion is an inward principle, which God must open in our souls, and which changes every power and passion thereof. If all you are to believe could be comprehended by the outward senses, the greatest sinners might be as good believers as the most holy persons. But the sense which God opens in the soul, and which we call faith, makes you acquainted with spiritual things, and capable of communion with God. He then answered in haste, " God hath never opened such a sense in my soul, and of course he will not condemn me for not using a power he hath not given." True (said I) it is not opened in you ; but it is because you shut your eyes and heart against it. Your state is exactly descried in the word of God. whether you will believe it or no. This came Jesus whom you have despised, was "to the Jews a stumblujg block, and to the wise Greeks foolishness, but to us who believe," we feel him to be "the wisdom of God, and the power of God." It was a precious time to my own soul ; I had such a sweet view of the whole plan of redemption ! A ray of light shone upon the amazing wisdom, as well as love, contained therein, and filled my heart with a sweet liberty, while I was attempt- ing to lay before him the hidden glories of the adorable Jesus, when he appeared without form or comeliness, and by his deep humiliation marked out all our way ! How well suited this plan of salvation was to break down the high aspiring thoughts ot man, and to bring him into that absolute dependence, and per- fect submission, which make the joys of heaven ! I observed also, that a far greater salvation was wrought out for us, and a far greater glory would redound to God, by this wonderful act of free grace, than could have been if we had never needed such a Saviour. I now daily discerned some advances he gave back more and more ; and the word of God began to be more honourable in his eyes. But yet he would say, "Every man hath the right of private judgment. Can I not be saved without believing on Jesus Clirist 1 If I address my prayers to the Supreme Being, and strive to obey him, why should I be condemned for not believing what I cannot understand 1" To this 1 answered, "God so loved the world, that he gave his only-begotten Son. that all who believe on him should not perish, but have ever lasting life." Now. said I, there is the condition : "If you be lieve on him %vhom the Father hath given." He seemed in * struggle to believe, and said with vehemence, " But I cannot believe God would become a man, and die for me. I am not PART V.] MRS. FLETCHER. 163 worthy of it. The thought is absurd ! Why, aunt, if I were condemned to death, do you believe the king of England would die to save my life !" No, said I, I believe he would not. "Now there is the thing," replied he, " you start at the thought of the king dying for me ; and yet you want me to believe that God hath died in my place!"* I observed the different relation he stood in to God. The king (said I) did not create you ; you are not his offspring ; neither can the love of a finite being bear any comparison with that pure unmixed love which dwells in the heart of God. The king did not voluntarily take all your condemnation on himself. But the Almighty Saviour has done so. He acts by us as if some great potentate should receive into his favour a poor beg- gar make her his spouse take all her debts on himself give her a right to his treasures a part in his throne and a share in all his titles. " Thus God so loved the world, that he gave his only-begotten Son, that whosoever belie veth on him," should by virtue of that union inherit all things ! Here is the condition ; but you will not comply therewith. Only suppose for one moment, that the king had died to save your life ; but that when you was informed of his unparalleled love, you would give no credit thereto, even though one should say to you, Only look through this glass in my hand : I hold it to your eye ; only look through it, and you will see him hang bleeding there ! But you turn away your face with contempt, and will not so much as look on him who bleeds for you ! Would you not in that case be a monster of ingratitude ? Now this word of God, this book, is the glass ; if with simplicity and prayer you look into it, you shall there discern that Supreme Being, (whom unknown you worship) and that " He was in Christ reconciling the world to himself: and that there is no other name given under heaven whereby you can be saved." One afternoon as he was reading to me, I pointed him to the experience of brother Story, believing it was suited to his pre- sent state. But contrary to all I had for a long time seen in him, he appeared quite hard, and cavilled at almost every sen- tence. I answered his objections for a long time, till I was quite spent. Then looking solemnly at him, with tears in my eyes, I put out my hand to take the book. He was moved, and said tenderly, " What, aunt ! What ! No ! I will read any thing, any thing you give me ! You think me in a bad spirit, aunt!" I replied, Why, my dear, I do not think you are in a very good one. That book does not suit you to night. He then read on, till he came to a part very applicable to his pre- sent feelings. He dropped the book at once, and remained silent. After a time I asked him what was the matter? H * What a genuine instance of carnal reasoning ! ED. 164 THE LIFE OF [PART V. replied " I know not what is the matter ! I feel a horrible sen- sation ! O what do I ail ! How have I been speaking to you ! Dear aunt, the more kind you are, the more ungrateful I am. What is the matter with me ) I am worse and worse !" I strove to comfort him; saying, It is well; the Lord is beginning to show you your heart. "Ah," replied he, "you say very well, but I say very ill ; for I am worse than before I came to Eng- land. O, I am ashamed to think how I spent my life ! I thought I had done all things for the glory of God. But now I see I have done all for myself, and to please myself only." After some time of silence, he said, "I will now tell you what I have been doing. All this week I have strove to address my pray- ere to Jesus Christ, as you advised me, but, alas ! I am more dull and cold in them than I ever felt before ! O, if he is God, why doth he not help me ! You said, aunt, he would answer for himself!" Then in an agony, he added, "Why does he not answer ? Why does he not answer ?" While I was mak- ing a few observations on the long time the Lord had waited for him, &c, Mr. Home came in to meet the men's class, to which he was that night to go up for the first time. When he came down, he said his mind was more composed, and he wished he had frequented that meeting before. After supper, being alone, we renewed our conversation, and I repeatedly assured him the Lord would shine upon him if he would only persevere. His cry was still, "Why does he not answer ]" It being late, we parted. I then went again to the throne of grace, to pour out my complaint before the Lord. I saw we were come to a point, and could go no farther without his immediate help. I had staked all on the faithfulness of my God, and had declared the answer would come : and now there was nothing more for me to do, but to obtain it of the Almighty. Sometimes I felt all faith and hope ; at others, as if cold water was thrown over the fire of expectation. Satan was not idle. He suggested, You will find him to-morrow as you left him to Bight. I pleaded with the Lord, that it was no new thing I asked. He had shown his approval of sacrifices by fire from heaven ; he had wrought for his people ; he had given signs and wonders ! " His arm was not shortened," and I besought him to appear in such a manner for this young man, as should convince him of the truth. Sometimes I felt all discourage- ment, but I did not mind that : I knew from whence ii came. I said, Lord ! thy word stands always sure ; it is not my feel- ings, but thy faithfulness, that I depend on. Lord, thou hast said, " Whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, I will do it." I ask this in thy name ! I leave it in thy hand, assured of the answer. The next morning he went out early. On his return at night, he said, " Aunt, I have a great deal to tell you. After we parted last night, 1 thought I would pray ; but that it PART V.] MRS. FLETCHER. 165 was right to consider what 1 wanted most. Then I thought, why I want most light on thid point, about Jesus Christ. But will God so condescend as to answer me ? Then, aunt, I heard a voice (not with my ear, but I did hear it,) say, Yes, he will. Then I began and made prayer ; and an hour went away like a minute, and I could say, Through the Lord Jesus Christ! O dear aunt, I thought I must have come up and told vou, but you were gone to bed. And again I thought, may be "to-mor- row God will confirm this. And so he has, for when I was at Waters Upton, Mr. G. H. began to make pleasantry of the miracles of Jesus Christ. I said in myself, yesterday I could have smiled at this, and heard it with pleasure ; but now it was a horrible sensation, I could not bear it. I was forced to go out of the house. Was not that a sign, aunt, that there is some change in me 1" Soon after, he had a particular dream. He thought he was in Switzerland, and attempting to converse with one of his old acquaintances on the things of God ; but was much surprised to find he could only speak in English. Afterward, as he stood at a window with his father, he saw eight full moons all at once, and said in his mind, it means eight months. A beauti- ful city then rose up before his eyes, and as he looked thereon, he beheld a lovely appearance, and thought, Is that St. Joha ?- He looked, till dazzled with the beams of glory which sur- rounded the face, as it passed over the city, he cried out, See ! father, see! The Lord Jesus ! The Lord Jesus ! and so awoke. This dream seemed to make a deep impression on him, though he attempted no explanation. About a week after this, com- ing home one night late, from visiting a sick neighbour, on my inquiring after his state, he answered, "Aunt, I have not found the evening long, for 1 have been in deep recollection almost all the time you have been gone. And now I can say, 'Faith is the evidence of things unseen,' for if I had seen my Lord, I could not be more assured than I am." From this time the change has been more and more evident. He attends all the meetings with me, and our dear friends are not a little delight- ed to hear the nephew and godson of their beloved minister, telling, in his broken English, that his eyes, which had long been accustomed to see darkness, do now behold the light of the Lord. Some time after, writing to a friend, he uses these words, " I have altogether left Mr. Home's house, though fully satis- fied with all there ; but it would have been very disagreeable to me to have been forced to ride daily, and at night, over one of the worst roada in the kingdom. I have now for three months enjoyed the happiness of living with my aunt, and I feel more and more the immense obligation which I owe to her, not only for all the temporal care she hath taken for me, but 166 THE LIFE OF [PART VI. much more for the blessing of my soul. Yes, she hath shown me clearly, that the knowledge of mathematics, and a vain philosophy, are not sufficient to procure us true happiness ; but the knowledge of Him only who giveth wisdom liberally to those who ask it. She hath taught me to distinguish the things which are situated within the reach of our understanding, from those which are beyond it : for I must own that the idea which I had before of the strength of my understanding, and the ex- tent of my knowledge, was so false, that I thought nothing to be out of my sphere. But now, blessed be God ! not only 1 feel that it is not permitted to men to scrutinize with profane looks the mysteries of religion, but I believe them with a holy respect ; and far from being ashamed to acknowledge Jesus for my Saviour, I set my glory in it, and that persuasion makes me happy!" He is indeed a new creature, and his conscience appears to be so tender, and his convictions of the need of a farther change so strong, that I am sunk in amazement and wonder ! O what a prayer hearing God have we to do with! "Ask, and you shall receive," is more than ever written on my heart! On the first of January, he was much blest, and told me he had found such a power to renew his covenant with the Lord as he had never done before. He broke out in prayer with such sim- plicity as delighted the whole congregation ! In a few months he must leave me and return to Switzerland I trust in the power of the Lord, to be a messenger of glad tidings to the dear family of his precious uncle. O, my God! what hast thou done for thy poor worm in the day of her adversity ! "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name!" PART THE SIXTH. HER RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE AT MADELEY. December 3, 1786. LAST night I had a peculiar sense of that truth, " Thy maker ia thy husband !" I saw great depth in that declaration. The thought of belonging only to Jesus was precious ! These wordB were powerfully on my mind, " Be bold in Jesus to confide, His creature, and his spotless bride ! Thy husband's [lower and goodness prov The Holy One of Israel he ! The Lord cf hosts hath chosen tliee, ID faith, and holiness, and love I" PART VI.] MRS. FLETCHER. 167 I saw and felt all things are possible to perserving faith ; but in the midst of this exercise my old temptation presented, Thou art not in joy! And some say, "No more holiness than joy." It was as cold water cast on a fire. My feeble sore spirit trembled under the suggestion, and sorrow's waves around me rolled ! I said, true, I have not joy ! Again it came to my mind, others believe because an overflowing power con- strains them so to do ; but I believe, as it were, because I will believe.* Yet I thought, is not that the way of faith ? Ought 1 not to hang on Jesus in the midst of the fire ? What is "the abiding in the secret place of the Most High?" Is it not tak- ing shelter in Jesus, and keeping fixed there, whatever storms may surround ? I cried to the Lord, and sometimes the faith of Abraham was set before me. These words of our Lord were also applied. " Blessed are they who have not seen, and yet have believed." But still the weight hung over my soul. At night I went to bed oppressed, yet struggling to maintain that faith which "staggers not at the promise," but gives glory to God by believing. I dreamed I was in a room with Sally, and saw a picture, or rather the ground work for a picture, on which was only paint- ed one small sheep lying down ; the rest was all plain. I said to her, Sally look on that picture, and what the Lord says, your dear master will draw it out for me to read ? I then saw letter by letter come out, as if wrote, (though without any hand or. pen,) as follows : " She that dwelleth in the secret place of the Most High, shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty." I felt it a confirmation of my faith ; and said, there is no better path than to repose the soul in God, and to go on in quiet resignation, whatever we may feel. As I was making that reflection, I heard, though yet asleep, my dear husband'* voice, as if close to my face, speaking these words, Shout, all ye people of the sky! And all ye saints of the Most High : Our God, who thus his right obtains, For ever and for ever reigns ! The beginning I heard in my sleep, but as it waked me, the rest was heard afterward : and I could have known his voice among a thousand. I saw from it, we never render to God his right till we abandon, by a perfect resignation, all our concerns, spiritual as well as temporal, into his hand, and learn to lie still before him, in the posture of a little c*hild, hanging each mo- ment by faith on his mercy. I see how the art of Satan has hindered me. Indeed my present state is not joyous. I feel, keenly feel, my loss ! I arn as a poor sheep alone on the mountains. I feel a sorrow no pen can describe. I am pene- trated with fiery darts, and my health so broken, my nervea BO * So must they in the hour of temptation. ED. 168 THE LIFE OF 1FART VI. weak ; with a variety of trying affairs which quite weigh me down. But this morning, the Lord showed me, I was not to set joy as the mark,* but a ready submission and quiet resig- nation to his will. That I was to a. this on my mind, " Whoso trusteth in the Lord shall never be confounded." That I was to lie still as clay in his hand, that he in his wisdom and love might save me in the way that he knew. My only care should be, to embrace the cross with a ready will ! February 6, 1786. My sou 1 is waiting on the Lord. I be- Jieve he will bring me into his unclouded presence ! I do feel the truth of these words, " They shill, as their right, his righteousness claim." I also feel that, " I shall, as my right, his purity claim." I do claim it, and feel a share therein. He keeps me ; I know " He that abideth in him sinneth not." My soul doth abide, looking by faith to Jesus ; and I do not feel any sin ; yet my sorrow and mourning is deep. I also feel sore temptation ; not to any thing earthly of any kind. No, I believe " the world is crucified to me," and I " unto the world !" It has no charms for me ; but I am tempted with great terrors, which come over mv mind in a moment, and my weak nerves, which have been affected even to a degree of palsy, help to let in the tempta- tions. At times the Lord Jesus gives me such a view of his ^faithfulness and full power to save, that I seem to forget for a few moments all my sorrow ! This is the case often ; but then the vision shuts again, and grievous temptations return. I want a full liberty, such as was given at the outpouring of the Spirit on the day of pentecost. I believe there is a degree of union which shuts out all sorrow,! the soul having so entered into the element of love, as to be incapable of receiving any idea but what is consonant therewith, or in other words, a " dwell- ing in God," and possessing the fulness of that promise, " I and my Father will come and make our abode with you." February 16. I found to-day some refreshment in convers- ing with that dear old saint, Mary Matthews, one of my dear love's first children, who endured much persecution for the truth's sake many years since. She was called under the first sermon she heard him preach ; and after feeling the spirit of bondage nearly two years, was very clearly set at liberty, and walked many years in faith and love. It was she who was so blessed the first Sabbath my dear husband introduced me into the kitchen among those who met there ; and she has enjoyed * It is a real part of the "kingdom of God," Rom. xvii, 14, but not scnsibh discerned while the believer is " sifted as wheat." ED. t No ; our Lord was a man of sorrow*. But all rebellious sorrow we may 'tx tared from. ED. PART VI.] MRS. FLETCHER. 169 a fuller liberty ever since. She told me, That on the day. after the preaching in the last week, having undertaken to open the door in time for the mornirg service, she took the key of the room for that purpose, and Believed the Lord would awake her in tune. About two in the morning (instead of five) she was awaked with an extraordinary power cf God. She thought, I must rise and pray. She came down and broke up the fire, and being in a little house all alone, she sat down to meditate, and give full scope to the Spirit She took up her hymn book, but could not read, for, said she. " All around me seemed God ! It appeared to me as if the room was full of heavenly spirits. I laid the book down, and falling back in ray chair, I remem- bered no more of any thing outward, but thought I was at the threshold of a most beautiful place. I could just look in. The first thing I saw was the Lord Jesus sitting on a throne ! There was a beautiful crown over his head ! It did not seem to bear with a weight, but as if it was suspended there, and as he turned his head, it turned with him. A glorious light ap- peared on one side, and all around him was glory ! I thought on that word of St. Paul, Who dwelleth in light unapproach- able ! Turning my eye a little, I saw close to rny Saviour my dear minister, Mr. Fletcher ! He looked continually on the Lord Jesus with a sweet smile. But he had a very different appearance from what he had when in the body, and yet there was such an exact resemblance, that I could have known hu among a thousand ! Features and limbs just the same, but in of flesh. It was what I cannot describe, all light ! I know not what to call it ! I never saw any thing like it. It was, I thought, such a body as could go thousands of miles in a mo- ment.* There were several passed who had the same appear- ance ; and I =eemed to have lost my old weak, shaking body ! I seemed to uiyself as if I could have gone to the world's end as light as air ! I looked on him a long time, and observed every feature with its old likeness. He then turned his eyes on me, and held out his hand to me just as he used to do. After this the whole disappeared, and I came to myself, and found it was just the time when I should open the preaching house door." I found her words a comfort to me.f Ah ! my dear husband was a suffering member here ; but he is now a bright star in glory. I am amazed to see how the Almighty appears for me in out- ward things. Night and day I have a sense of safety. I feel as if the angels of the Lord encamped round about me ! Though * What a description ! Far beyond her powers. ED. nd way to comlort her ! And what a mystery fit liirertly. butu 1 . t-c 15 170 THE LIFE OF '[PART VI, we are alone, I and the two girls in this house, sometimes only Sally and I, no long winter night seems to have any thing dreary to me ! Indeed life and death are equal, the will of God is all ! I feel also a quiet acquiescence in the will of God. His will shall be my choice ! I have nc other rest on earth. Yet I have not joy ! But I will lie in his hands for this also. Some thoughts have arisen in my mind on this subject There has long been a question between two sorts of religious professors, both devoted to God. The one part say, " A child of God, labouring up perfection's hill, may be in darkness and obscurity for a time, in order to his farther purification." The others say, " Nay, there can be no darkness but from the dis- pleasure of God ! neither is there any true holiness but in pro- portion to this joy." But what do we mean by darkness ? And what do we mean by joy] Many blend the idea of darkness with deadness. They suppose such to have no savour of divine things. They do not mourn after Jesus, as one who mourns for her first-born. They can be content with worldly rest. They look more to men and means for help than singly "to Jesus. They are indeed pained sometimes because they have no more life; but their treasure is still here. Such darkness certainly the true believer does not feel. The experience of Mr. Brainerd is a fine com- ment on this. A soul thirsting (in general) after the full mind tf Christ, whose conscience is truly tender, to whom the Pbrld is crucified, and who has no relish but for the things of another life ; whose eye is really fixed, " not on the things which are seen, but on the things which are not seen ;" to whom the prospect of a nearly approaching death is pleasant, from a firm confidence of final salvation, though thrt confidence may be oft assaulted ; and who feels an intense, though mourn- ful desire after the whole mind of Christ, and an abiding filial fear of offending God. Such a soul may find sometimes great obscurity, as if its Saviour was hidden as if the Lord sb tt himself up within stone walls, which prayer could not pa, B through; so that even strong supplication and prayer sha "' seem to feel resistance. As when Jacob wrestled with the an gel, it seemed as if he wanted to get loose from Jacob's grasp, without giving him the blessing. As when our Lord gave that (seemingly) harsh answer to the Canaanitish woman, " It is not meet to take the children's bread and give it unto dogs !" Was it to discourage and drive her back ? Was it from wrath he spoke 1 Ah, no ! It was to try and to strengthen her faith by exercise ; and to increase her blessing, when he pronounced that word, " O woman, great is thy faith ! be it unto thee even as thou wilt." We have often a wrong idea of faith. When the Apostle says, " I have fought the good fight, I have kept the feith," how do we understand him ? Some say, " He fought PART VI.J .TlRS. FLETCHER. J71 against sin, he was firm in persecution, and he always be- Jeved. His soul was so full of light and power that he could not help believing." Was there then no conflict in believing? When St. Paul says, Cast not away your confidence, does he mean that they could not cast it away ? Were they to hold it fast, when it needed no holding 1 And is it thus that it should have great recompense of reward ? But does not the whole tenor of Scripture speak of the Christian soldier, as "fighting the fight of faith?" And what ia faith, but " the believing of things unseen 1" " Blessed are they who have not seen, and yet have believed." And to Na- thaniel, our Lord says, " Because 1 said, Under the fig tree I saw thee, believest thou 1 Thou shalt see greater things than these." It seems to me, therefore, that the way of holiness is to strive every moment to " look unto Jesus as the author and finisher of our faith ;" and while the soul is so continually hang- ing on him, let it not esteani it a strange thing, if it should feel the powers of darkness surround it, inducing horror and dismay ! If the believer feel as though the Angel of the cove- nant struggled against him ; as if he would go away and leave the soul unblest. It may seem to have even a rebuke instead of a blessing, like the Canaanitish woman ; nay, it may feel as if all its strength was failing, so that it could wrestW longer. Perhaps the day begins to break! Death seems the door ! and the fainting soul cries out, O, what is all i wrestling come to ! My day of grace is gone, and I am not saved ! But the very next moment may bring the " New name of Israel ! As a prince thou hast power with God, and hast prevailed." June 19. I now see clearly what I want. My soul is not brought fully into the element of love. There is a fulness of love, or, " a perfect love, which casts out all fear." I have not Perfect resignation ; yet my will never seems to oppose God. have not perfect peace; it is disturbed by temptation. I have not perfect union with God ; clouds come between. In short, that salvation I felt at Hoxton, and which I now feel, is like Israel when on the borders of Canaan. But I am not put in full possession. I do not dwell in love. I am determined, however, never to rest short of it ; and I believe that is the meaning of the promise so impressed upon my mind, "An abundant entrance shall be ministered unto you into the king- dom of our Lord Jesus Christ." Lord hasten the hour ! I have no hope but from thee. " It is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth, but of God that showeth mercy ! Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, saith the Lord of Hosts \" Well, if I am thus perfectly saved, I shall be the greatest flionumeht of mercy ! For since that time I was blessed at 172 THE LIFE Of [FART VI. Hoxton, how often have I sunk back from that liberty of faith ! and though the divine change has ever since remained on my soul, yet there have been times in which I have been a monster in my own eyes, for I have many times found self, and from that root, every evil springing up in my soul. I would give a list of the evils I have felt, but, alas ! when I attempt it, I am lost ! I cannot find any words to express my- self in. But this I will say, for the comfort of some who have known these things, and into whose hands this account may fall, that wherein they have lamented their inbred corruption, I have much more cause for lamentation. Oh ! if I were but for one hour permitted to enter heaven, that I might throw myself at the feet of all whom I have offended, or hindered, by my pride, self-will, and other evils, it would yield me some consolation. Yet I believe I shall be delivered from them all, and even from this painful reflection. Yes, I shall ; the God of love hath said, " Thou shalt walk with me in white I will make thce worthy !" And my sou] has of late felt a great renewal of that piomise. Yes, I shall overcome ! I begin though but faintly, to shout victory ! I shall overcome ! for I singly trust in Jesus. Friday, June 23. Three days ago as I was thinking of the ftbove.wordsy' " I am not brought into the element of love," a. thought ca&e into my mind. Thou waitest and pleadest to be into another state : Abide in Jesus ! That is the way love, and to bring forth all good fruit. I weighed it over in r mind, and saw that it was so. I have Jesus ! and have I not all in him 1 Those words shone with light on my heart, " Christ is made of God unto you, wisdom, righteousness, sanc- tification, and redemption." I felt I ought to rejoice in my privilege ; the privileges of my present dispensation. I am brought into a state of IOVP ; and that I do not abundantly grow therein, is because I do not abide every moment in a quiet peaceable confidence, believing the Lord will enable me to glorify him in and through every thing. These words were yesterday, and are still, the language of my soul, 11 No condemnation now I dread , Jesus and all in him is mine ; Alive in him, my living head, And just in righteousness divine, Bold I approach the eternal throne, And claim the crown through Christ my own." Friday, July 21. O, the union my spirit feels with my dear husband ! Time makes no difference to me. As I wt.3 offer- ing up my trials to the Lord to-day, these words came to raj mind, " Ask of the Lord grace to suffer as much, and as long as he pleases." I thought, so I will, I will not even wish to have it mitigated. Saturday, July 23. Yesterday I was at the chapel in Madetey PART VI.] MRS. FLETCHER. 173 Wood, and found much freedom of spirit while speaking on these words, " Bring my soul out of prison, that I may praise thy name." This morning I feel my soul cast on the Lord, and was blessed in reading those words of Fenelon, " Your letter leaves me nothing to wish for. It confesses all that IB past, and promises every thing for the future. With regard to the past, you need only leave it to God with a humble con- fidence, and repair it by a constant fidelity. You ask what penances are required for the past ! Can we perform greater, or more salutary ones, than bearing our present crosses 1 The best reparation of our past vanities is the being humble, and content that God should humble us. The most rigorous of all penances is, notwithstanding all our dislikes and weariness, to do daily and hourly the will of God rather than our own."* Thursday, July 27. For some days I have felt keen darts from the enemy, and such a sense of being alone in the world as I cannot express. But last night, in the midst of these feel- ings, I felt a strong impression that my trials were increased by my not courageously believing every moment that **e Lord, has absolutely undertaken my whole cause. And I alff con- ( vinced that when Satan pursues me with gloom* and threaten- ings, f ought to believe that all is permitted f.exercise my*faith and patience. I feel at all times that ny heart has, embraced the glory of God, as my one sole ca*^ a d therefore I have nothing to do even with my state,- "hether it is joyous or sad. but only to cling to the covena-"-' 1 nave entered into, of being a whole burnt sacrifice to t*e Lord ; and leave him to choose for me every moment, v^ i g m himself all wisdom and love. This thought brougte w ^h it a sweet peace ; and these words were applied to y 6OU 1 " Cast not away therefore your con- fidence, whir- 1 ! hath great recompense of reward, for ye have need of jvuience, and after ye have done the will of God, ye may receive the promise." I see also that I must singly trust in Jesus, resolved to believe that he will make me more than conqueror through all. " None ever trusted in him, and was confounded." My one cry therefore shall be, " Lord, glorify thyself in thy poor creature, and that is enough." In the night I was exercised with pain more than common, but my mind seemed to be fixed on this, Lord, glorify thyself! I slept ; and waked in that thought, and it brought peace. August 3. This time of the year returning affects me much. This day twelve months was the last in which my dear husband enjoyed perfect health, and the last in which he visited his peo- ple. Oh ! how does every hour present the past scenes to my view. But I find power to live in the spirit of sacrifice. As I was this morning reading Mr. Wesley's note on Judges, chap. * Ho-*- well some Rotnankts hare -written on Christian obedience .' O ai re ED. 15* 174 THE LIFE OF [PART VI, iv, 14, it was made a blessing to me. It is said of Barak, "He went down from Mount Tabor." Mr. Wesley adds, " He did not make use of the advantage which he had of the hill, where he might have been out of the reach of Sisera's iron chariots. He boldy marches down into the valley, to give him the oppor- tunity of using his chariots and horses, that so the victory might be more glorious." So it seems to be with me. When I had every help and every comfort, he brought me into the valley indeed ! unto the loss of all my earthly comforts ; and into deep and fierce temptation. And yet those very things which would have been a great trial to me, and a great alarm to my fears, when I had my dearest companion with me, are nevertheless rendered easy ; and my captain going before seems to gain for me an easy victory. He is my light in difficulties, my protec- tion in dangers, and my continual shield. But that word of the Lord spoken to Gideon, " The people are too many for me to deliver Israel, by them," casts a still clearer light on my path. I was, the happiest of women ! I had every thing which friend- ship, tht most heavenly and refined, could give. My helps were too nit-ny : I could not feel my deep nothingness. God has stripped nn of all ! Yet I will look every moment for the complete victory. Monday, August K How awful a Sabbath was yesterday to me ! The remembrance O f the tremendous scene that day twelve months, deeply penetrated my heart. The whole of the last week has been to me very *n]emn. Every hour has pointed out some part of the bitter cup wj.h I have drank, and do still deeply drink of. This day has also been a time of deep examination. What difference do I find between this and the "i s t fourteenth of August, the day of my dear husband's death? T find a good deal, many ways. First, I have more vehement lodging after Christ. Secondly, I am stript of all desire of human comforts, and dead to earth in a fuller degree than I ever was before in any part of my life. Thirdly, That fierce conflict of temptation which I endured at that time has wrought for my good. Fourthly, I am more constant and faithful in private prayer; indeed it is my one business : and I have a more watchful spirit. Fifthly, I feel a more perfect resignation ; and though my wound continually bleeds, yet I can continually say, Thy will be done. Yet nothing can supply the place of the full indwell- ing Spirit. The Lord is ever with me. I have surprising helps and deliverances, and victory in every trial. I feel I am cruci- fied to the world ; but yet I want the promise of the Father in its fulness. Tuesday, August 15. Yesterday being (according to the days cf the month) the annual return of the time when my dear- est love departed this life. I set it apart for prayer ana close JART VI.] MRS. FLETCHER. 175 examination, to know what 1 had gained or lost in this black year. Most of the day I was in heaviness ; but by the light of God I clearly discerned his powerful hand was upon me. The entire deadness I find to every thing wordly; the purity in which the Lord continually keeps my soul ; the increasing vigor of my spiritual affections ; my great love for souls, and abun- dant liberty in speaking to them, with the many degrees of resignation to the Divine will which I feel my soul sunk into ; and that spirit of love which ever prompts me to turn the other cheek, all give me good hope. Now, thought I, though I felt a measure of all this before, is not the increase of all these an evi- dent mark, that the work of God is deepened in my soul 7 I saw it was so, and was constrained to cry out. This hath God zcrcrught ! I then was led to reflect on my union with my dear husband, and saw how much of the heavenly state we had enjoyed together ; and it seemed as if I so longed to give up all for God. that I offered up to his divine will even our eternal union, (ii* it was in reality, as many suppose, that separate spirits forget all they have known and loved here,) that his will might be done ! I seemed content, so my dearest love, and my own sou] were lost in his immensity, and should know each other no more ! I then found as it were, a conversation carried on in my mind. The question arose, what pan. of our union can heaven dissolve? It will take away all that was painful such as our fears for each other's safety, our separations, &c- But what of the pleasant part can heaven dissolve 1 I answered from the bottom of my heart, Nothing, Lord, nothing'. Clear as light it appeared before me, that heaven could not dissolve any thing which agreed with its own nature. Let two drops of water, two flames of fire, or any two quantities of the same element, be put together, they would not destroy each other, but would be increased. So what came down from God, would, when returned to its source, live for ever, and be corroborated, but not lessened. I am quite at a loss for words to describe the feelings of that hour ! but it fixed in my soul an assurance of our eternal union. And as it increased my tender affection toward my dear hus- band, so it seemed to spread it to all around. I felt it reflect as it were backward and fonvard, to and from all the heavenly host, all seemed doubly dear through that endearing love I found to him. At the same moment, a peculiar sense of union with my friend Ryan sprung up in my soul ; and I seemed to wor- ship with them both before the throne. As I rose from my knees, I had an application of these words, as from his own dear moitth, " The days that in heaven they spend, For ever and ever shall last.'' O, what did I feel ! my eyes overflowed with tears, and my with praise 1 176 THE LIFE OF [PART VI. November 15. Last Sunday (the 12th) was to me a heavy day. That was the day my dear husband gave himself to me, and that I gave myself to him, or rather the Lord gave us to each other. But I was enabled to go through the duty which the Lord called me to that day, with calmness and resignation. This day I had, at my ten o'clock hour, much freedom in pouring out my heart to the Lord. I prayed that I might have an increase of faitL I then opened an old book which helped rne to make some reflections very suitable to the present pos- ture of my mind. I had been considering whether I might ex- pect as fully to glorify my Saviour, as one who had been less guilty and sinful. For twc days that question had been upper- most in my heart, and the following words much in my mouth, " If so poor a worm as I May to thy great glory live !" But to-day I was led into the following considerations : The Lord Jesus hath said, They to whom much is forgiven, love much, but they to whom (comparatively) little is forgiven, love little ; and this is corroborated by three parables, The lost sheep, the piece of money, and the prodigal son. But why is U so ? Can I find sufficient ground for my faith to set its foot upon? The following thoughts occurred to my mind. First, we generally love best what has cost us most. My Saviour has drunk a more bitter draught for me- than for many ;* there- fore he hath paid a higher price for me. AJ1 the pain, shame, and evil consequences of sin. " He hath borne in his own body ; lie hath borne my grief and carried my sorrows." Well then I have more to love him for than any other. Secondly, The author observes, " it is certain we may be- lieve that God will give them the first place in his esteem who have glorified him most in this world," But who are they ? Doubtless those who believe most, who come nearest to the faith of Abraham; for to believe in God's faithfulness to his promises, and in his power to perform them, is to give him glory. Rom. iv, 20, 21, " He staggered not at the promise through unbelief, but was strong in faith, giving glory to God ; and being .fully persuaded that what he had promised, he was able also to perform." From hence it follows, that to believe the truth and faithfulness of God in his promises, and in his power to .perform, (even in those cases where the performance is most difficult, and rare,) is a greater glorifying of God, and shows a higher degree of faith, than to believe in ordinary cases only, wherein the belief is not so generous and noble, or so re- mote from the common principles of reason. The high com- mendation of Abraham's faith, by which he is said to give glory is a flne illustration of those words of the Apostle, " In lowliness of mind. tettertbaa himself -" " we koe ^ * TART VI.J MRS. FLETCHER. 177 to God, (i. e. in a very signal and transcendant manner,) is expressed in these words, Who against hope believed in /tope. His faith breaking through the strong oppositions which the dictates of reason and nature made against it, was highly pleas- ing to God, and cast an abundance of glory upon him in that respect. Hence he pronounced him the father of the faithful, and made him the father of many nations ; that is, he con- ferred and settled this great dignity upon Abraham, to be for ever after reputed and acknowledged the great exemplar, or pattern of all, who to the end of the world should believe ; and who, for their number, should equalize many nations. There- fore, that believing in God which accords most with this faith of Abraham, hath most of the spirit and power of that grace. That which lifteth up itself in the soul against the strongest assaults or encounters, must needs glorify God more than that which hath only the common impediments and obstructions to overcome. Now it is plain that he who hath been an inveterate and obdurate sinner, and the most deeply ungrateful ; and who hath on his conscience a heavier burden of guilt than any other ; when he believes, J say, he hath much communion with Abraham in the excellency of his faith, and believeth against many fierce lions and bears in his way : against the strongest and most violent temptations to diffidence and despair. Where- as, he who hath no such mountains in the way for his faith to leap over, he who hath no such armed fears, no such imperious contradictions of sin to encounter, his faith, though it hold good correspondence with the faith of Abraham, in the nature and truth of it, yet it is far beneath it in that crowning property, whereby it gave glory to God so abundantly.* December 12. In prayer this morning I was led to see the beauty of faith in reposing the whole soul on God. Surely, O Lord! thou requirest nothing of me, but to believe on thee for all I want ! I find the strongest dart of Satan is against my faith. He tells me all day long, that I believe because I will believe,^ and not by the immediate gift of God not by the operation ef bis Spirit. It seems that is the only hold Satan has on my soul. But was not my first word (when seven years old) an invitation to believe 1 " Who on Jesus relies, without money or price, A ^ The pearl of forgiveness and holiness buys." The same is often applied to me now: and does not the " The weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den." To a mind less devoted than Mrs. Fletcher's, these speculations might be dangerous. They might lead to Aiitinomianism ; which, as Mr. Wesley observes, (in the Minutes of one of the first conferences,) comes, in doctrine, within a hair's breadth of the highest truths of the Gospel. Mrs. Fletcher, however, was preserved from thm danger, and always found divine aid in the exercise of faith. By it she ovf- Came. ED. 178 THE LIFE OF [PART VI. whole Scripture /ead to, and require believing -? Were not the Jews rejected for unbelief? Was it not esteemed hardness of heart in Israel because they would not believe the bare promise of God, and so enter into the good land 1 I feel a con- tinual power to trust my all to Jesus, and the more I trust, the more it unites me to God. Then I do, I will trust him, though legions of temptations appear to hinder ! What mercy ! I have no temptation to sin ! no ; my soul hates all that God hates ! But every stroke is against my faith, as if I believed too much. I prayed the Lord to direct me to some book on the subject, and found, as soon as I rose from my knees, one which I never saw before, among my dear husband's collection. I opened it on this subject, " Christ the example of our faith." The writer observes on these words, " He is near that justifies me : who shall contend with me'!" That Christ is brought in, as if uttering them before the high priest's tribunal, when they spit upon, and buffeted him. When he was also condemned by Pilate; then he exercised faith in God his Father, " He is near that justifies me ;" and as in his condemnation he stood in our stead, so in this hope of his justification, he speaks in our stead also, and as representing us in both. And upon this the Apostle pronounces in like words, concerning all believers, Rom. viii, 41 It is God that justifieth; who is he that condemneth ?" Christ was condemned : yea, hath died, who therefore shall condemn? We have this communion with Christ in his death and condem- nation ; yea, in his very faith. If he trusted in God, so may we ; and we shall as certainly be delivered. Observe, Christ also lived by faith. We are said, John i, 16, to " receive of his fulness, and grace for grace," that is, grace answerable, and like unto his, and so among others, faith. " To explain this, First, In some sense Christ had a faith for justification like to ours, though not a justification through faith, as we have. He went not out of himself to rely on another for righteousness, for his own was perfect : He was ' the Lord our righteousness.' Yet he believed on God to justify him, and had recourse to God for justification. He is near (says he) that justifies me. If he had stood upon his own person merely, and upon his divinity, there would have been no occasion for such a speech ; but as he stood in our behalf there wae ; for what need of justification, if he 'had not been, in some way, exposed to condemnation ? He must therefore be sup- posed to stand here at God's tribunal, as well as at Pilate's, with all our sins upon him. And so Isaiah tells us in chapter liii, ' God laid on him the iniquities of us all. He was made sic and a curse,' arid stood not in danger of Pilate's condemnatioB only, but of God's too, unless he satisfied him fo* all those eins. And when the wrath of God for sin came thus upon him, big faith was put to it to trust and wait on God for justiftc&tioa,. PART VI.] MRS. FLETCHER. 179 that he might take off those sins, and his wrath from him, and acknowledge himself satisfied, and the surety acquitted. There- fore, in the 22d psalm, he is brought in as putting forth such a. faith as we here speak of, crying out, My God ! my God ! when, as to sense, his God had forsaken him. Yea, at the sixth verse, we find him laying himself at God's feet, lower than ever any man did ! I am a worm, and no man, a worm which all tread on, and no one thinks it wrong to kill ; and all this because he bore our sins ! " Now his deliverance and justification from all these, (to be given him at his resurrection,) was the matter, the business he trusted God for; even that he should rise again, and thus appear acquitted from them all. Secondly, Neither did he exerciee faith for himself only, hut for us also ; and that more than we are put to it to exercise for ourselves': for he, in emptying him- self, and dying, trusted God with the merit of all his suffering?-; beforehand ; there being such a countless multitude of souls to be saved thereby to the end of the world. God trusted Christ before he came into the world, and saved millions of souls upon his voluntary offering and engagement, and then Christ at his death trusted God again as much.* In Hebrews ii, 12, 13, 14, it is made an argument, that Christ became a man like us, because he was put to live by faith, and the Apostle brings in these words as prophesied of him,! I will put my trust in him,' as a proof of his being so constituted. Now how should the consideration of these things help us to believe, since, in thit example of Christ, we have the highest instance of believing that ever was. Hast thou the guilt of innumerable sins upon thee ? Consider what Christ had, though not his own. Luther boldly says, * Christ was the greatest sinner that ever was' that is, by imputation. And yet he trusted God to justify him from all, and to raise him up from under the wrath due to them. Dost thou say, Christ was God, and knew he could satisfy ; but J am a sinful man ! Well, but if thou art one who easiest thy- self on Christ, and believest on him, thou art made one with Christ, and Christ speaking these words, He is near that justi- fieth, spake them in thy name as well as his own, for he stood m thy stead. It was only thy sins, and those of others, which exposed him to condemnation ! and thou seest what his confi- dence was beforehand, that God would justify him. And if he had left any of them unsatisfied for, he had not been justified "rj?^ e * 1 IS ^ naystery of godliness," especially in every thinp respecting tU- aoly Inuity. Eternity will be employed in developing the divinity and clorv of our redemption. That the PATHEB should become the God of the Son, by the incarnation ! And that " God manifest in the flesh," should believe, obey, and suffer; and "through the Eternal Spirit," thus "offer himself a sacrifice to God," in the truth of the nature which he had assumed What a depth is here ! "Angels desire to look into it." The whole univeise is interested in it and wjll h affected by it for ever. ED. 180 THE LIFE OF [PART VI, But by his being justified from all sin, shall all shiners be justified who believe hi him 1 Certainly for this very reason our sins shall not hinder our coming to God. He then brings in those words, John xvii, ' For their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also may be sanctified through the truth.' Showing how we possess all spiritual blessings in Christ Jesus." I found a sweet and clear light shine on the above, and many other passages of the book ; and praised God for the answer of prayer. In short, I felt we have all in Christ, and that they feel it most who believe most ! December 28. My soul seems entirely fixed on the glory of God ! For some days that thought has been continually in my mind, O that I could really know that he did glorify himself on me !* If I was sure that all I feel is according to his will, then whatever sorrow or conflicts I endure, I should have a continual heaven. I entreated the Lord to show me what it was to glorify him ; and in what manner the soul could bring him most glory. In a few days my prayer was in part answered. He showed me, if a lamp was set in the middle of a table, and several crys- tals around it, some more, some less clear, that the clearest crystal would best reflect that brightness of the lamp. As to my question, Which were the souls that brought most glory to God ] I was taught, that I must judge nothing before the time, for no true judgment could be formed till that day " When he should come to be glorified in his saints and admired in all them that believe !" Then those who had been most emptied of self, most deeply humbled, and most fully prepared to receive and reflect the image of Christ, should eternally bear the high- est resemblance to theii Lord. I saw all good, all glory was in him, and nothing could bring honour to God, but our becom- ing nothing, that he might be all in all ! I say, I saw it, but I mean in a far deeper sense than ever I did before ! O how short are words ! I used to feel a pain in writing a diary be- cause my words seemed to convey more than I meant ; but now for some time I have felt just-the contrary. I feel more than I can express. January 2, 1787. My mind has been yesterday and to-day, much affected with the thought of beginning a new year. This day five years I left Cross Hall in company with my dearest husband. O, what have I seen in five years ! And what may I see before the end of the two next 1 Those words have been much with me for some days, " Stand still and see the salva- tion of the Lord." O that I may learn to do it in the most perfect manner ! I am amazed at the goodness of the Lord in many things. I * The "unction of the Holy One," giving a consciousness of our conformity to the Son of God, and to hie word, can alone bestow or continue this high priy; fege. ED. J-ART VI.] MRS. FLETCHER. 181 eec him opening all my way before me day by day. He cuts out my work, and shows me how to employ every hour. My heavy affliction, which I continually feel from the loss of my dearest love, I do find power to offer up each moment to the liord ! Yea, I praise him in the midst of my sorrow that I have such a sacrifice to offer. What hath my Saviour done and suffered for me ! I shall not repent when I get to glory that I have suffered a little for him. Though of all I have felt, nothing ever came near this ! It has left the finest strings of nature bleeding ! But all is well. I feel my mind drawn to live on that word, Thy will be done. In that I rest, and will for ever rest. My soul, wait thou only upon God, for of him cometh my salvation. A deep watchful spirit is what I am praying and waiting for. I mean that continual cleaving to Jesus, which is implied in that word, Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee. January 9. Thinking this morning of my temptation, that my feeling of God is not sensible, and consequently my joy but weak, the following thought came to my mind, Do I not believe the whole world lieth in the wicked one, and that he leadeth them captive at his will ? But was I conscious of his presence or power in any manner that could be called sensible ? I was not. Do I not believe this was my own state ? I do : I know I abode in the wicked one, and was led captive at hi* will. But I know I was in him, by the way and disposition I walked in. I walked in the way to hell, adding sin to sin ; except when now and then a touch of God interfered. I walked in the disposition of loving and caring for life ; I took my own care ou myself, apd sought my own i.appiness out of God. But I called all this following my reason, and my understanding, so that all the work of the wicked one on the spirit was invisible, and hidden from me. Now the Apostle says, " As ye have rendered your members servants to iniquity, so render them unto righteousness." Thus the work of God on the spirit is invisible, and hidden many times. But I have known the sen- sible deliverance, and the converting power ; and now also he leads me in a way and disposition just contrary to what I was in the way to heaven, for I feel my treasure is there, though I seem to know only the marks of his feet. I feel my wishes dead to all of earth. I feel his will is rny refuge ! and as to my disposition, I long for full conformity to him. I live in an act of offering up my whole self to God almost every moment with a blessed degree of peaceful earnestness. And therefore I will rejoice in this. If I knew before that I was in the evil one, and led by his will, though I had only a hidden communion ; I know now I dwell in God, and am led by his will, though I have not what some call sensible joy.* But I seem to Have How greatly was she perplexed on this point by the injudicious converse 16 182 THE LIFE OF [PART VI. given my hand to God, as a child to its mother, and he leads me hour by hour. The above thought was much blest to me. A sweet light shone on the work of grace in my soul, and I have since quietly leaned upon the bosom of my Saviour. January 10. All day yesterday my faith seemed to grow ttronger, and more nakedly to hang on Jesus. Now and then also sweet glimpses of the glorious power of faith opened before me. I said, Lord, give me a word to be as a sword in my hand ! Immediately it came into my mind, " I shall o'ercome through faith alone, And stand entire at last." April 30. Having been called to take a journey, J often thought, while changing from place to place, and meeting with some things rather difficult, that I was as a ball which could never fall wrong. I left all to God, and every thing came right. Yet my loss and painful remembrance of what the circumcising knife of death had done, seemed to be renewed by every scene. Herein I learned a lesson. Many had said, a journey would help me ; variety of objects would tend to lessen my grief. But I did not find it so. My health was more poorly than at home, and sorrow seemed increased, and not lessened, by all I met with. Nevertheless I saw the will of God, and can say, He gave me to acquiesce every moment ; and whatever my body might feel, my soul gained good, and my faith is much increased by a thousand instances of the love and care of my adorable Saviour manifested to me in that season. Deep humiliation attended me in all my exercises, public or private ; and I know the journey was of the Lord. May 3. Since my return home, I have felt my soul sink deeper into God. Some time ago I was awaked with these words, " Give to the winds thy fears, Hope, and be undismay'd ; God hears thy sighs and counts thy tears, God shall lift up thy head."" Two days ago I was stirred up with reading those words in Dr. Doddridge's Life, " There must be an enlargement of soul before any remarkable success on others, and a great diligence in prayer and strict watchfulness over my own soul, previous to any remarkable and habitual enlargement in my ministry ; and deep humiliation must precede both." I cried for power to redouble player. I was afterward much tempted, but in prayer I saw how perfect a sacrifice Christ had paid to the Father foi all my sins ! I. at this moment^xult in the thought, Pi'iiy absolved through this I am, :<, and sin, from guilt and shame." tfon of some of her friends, whom the Lord, for wise and good reasons, led in a way more directly sensible ! ED. PART VI.] MRS. FLETCHER. 183 August 16. All this last fortnight has been a time of great trial to me ; I think as deep as in the last year. Every hour presented some part of the awful scene. A few days before the anniversary of my dear love's death, I waked one morning out of a dream, in some measure spiritual, but could recollect little of it. I was thinking, Will the Lord indulge me on tha* day with such communion with my dear love as he did on the last fourteenth of August ? These words were then applied to my mind, * " Be in all alike resign'd, Jesus' was a patient mind." From which I thought, I woidd not look for it ; I saw the leading of the Spirit at this time was quiet resignation. In that posture therefore I have held my soul before him : and on that day I did not find any such communion as on the former anniversary. December 8. Sally being ill with a bad cough, which that morning seemed worse, her head also much affected, and some fever, I asked of the Lord in submission, her restoration. She scarcely coughed afterward ! Her head was no more affected, and she found herself, from that time, quite well ! This parti- cular answer to prayer raised much thankfulness in my heart. O Lord Jesus ! I ask in thy name to be made the temple of God through the Spirit ! O Lord, in Jesus' name I ask, do all thy will ! December 10. For two days various texts have dwelt on my mind, relating to suffering ; and yesterday an observation which Mr. Home made in his sermon was blest to me, viz. That those virtues were most valuable, that most prepared us for suffering, because by that we were most conformable to our Buffering Head. I know not the cause, but my spirit has all day been much depressed. I am very poorly in body ; and the sense of my separation from my precious love seems to enter as iron into my soul. But blessed be the Lord, it does not pre- vent me from following the order of my God. December 17. These words were given me, with some power, " With the Lord is plenteous redemption, and he shall save Israel from all his sins." I have found some answers to prnyer this week, and my soul is thirsting and waiting for the fulfilment of this promise. lord, show me how I may be most perfectly pleasing unto thee ! Desire increases in my soul ; yet there is a want unsupplied. I long to know how to get into a full and close communion. It seems to me since prayer this afternoon, that there is but this one way, a looking continually unto Jeeu.- ^elites to the brazen serpent. January 10, 1788. And do I see the becii;:.ing of another year ! I can still set to my seal, the L ,>rc -ears and anawen 184 THE LIFE OF [PART VI. prayer. O that this year may all be devoted to thee my ador- able Head. January 17. I was blest last night in what Mr. Home said of his former experience, That " he took those words, Pray without ceasing, in a literal sense, and strove every moment to be in the real act of prayer. Soon after he was brought into .so spiritual a frame that wherever he went he carried such a Kense of the awful presence of God as cannot be expressed." my Saviour, I waflt more of this ! My soul has been kept this day going out after God ; but I want a fulness which I can- not think but it is the will of God to give. These words are much on rny mind, Let patience have its perfect work. And, After ye have suffered awhile, he will strengthen, stablish, settle you. I have strangely seen the hand of God in all things ! Every thing tells me, the hairs of my head are num- bered. Yet I cannot rest till I can more fully glorify my God. Lord, increase my faith ! January 29. My way is the way of heaviness. There is a weight of sorrow lies on my spirit ; I cannot account for it. Others have much joy ; I have but little. My dear husband used to express the same thing ; but Oh! I did not then under- stand him. Had I but now the advantage of his dear company, how different a use could I make of it ! Then I had him to flee to in every trouble,, and " cares by dividing were hushed into peace." Now I remember he used to say, " What others were satisfied with, he was not." And really so it is ; for I am sure 1 have more of God than I had then. And yet I was then quite satisfied very often ; and had I kept the presence of God, as I now do, I should have called it walking in constant peace. But Oh ! I want a clear passage into the heart of my Beloved ! I think I can truly say, I wrestle not with flesh and blood," I feel no temptation to any sin. But I am fiercely attacked with weights of sorrow, and thoughts that like barbed arrows tear my heart. This day I have covenanted afresh with the Lord, to try what a total abandonment will do. From this day, (four o'clock in the afternoon, January 29,) I abandon myself without reserve, delivering up myself into the hands of God, to the end that he may execute on me his whole will, whether in the way of justice or mercy. I will embrace all sufferings of every k'ind though I should see that they are the consequences of my former sins, or present follies. Yea, 1 am thine, my Jesus, save It thou wilt not save me, I am lost for ever ! But I will singly trust in Jesus ! I will turn to no other for help. I have- long tried what creatures could do, but all in vain. Now I will renounce all reasonings all reflections on my state ; and only fix the eye of my soul on Jesus, always content with what thou giveet me, Lord ! though it should only be a bare remembrance PART VI.] MRS. FLETCHER. 185 of thy presence, and an alacrity to meet thy will ; and this thou dost give. The strongest desire of my soul is, that thy will Eaay be done in me. I was blest to-day by an observation in a spiritual writer, " Not to come out of abandonment, in the extreme pains through which we pass, is something ; but the not coming out of repose in this abandonment, whatever trials we may pass through in all the rough paths where we may tread, this it is which is rery precious in the sight of God."* Again she observes, "lake as he who is in a ship moves not himself, but leaves himself to be moved by the motion of the ship in which he is; so the heart which is embarked in the Divine good pleasure, ought not to have any will of its own, but leave itself to be carried by the will of God." February 12. This morning, in my hour of prayer, I had some sweet glimpses of the all-sufficiency of Christ. He bore the whole weight of my* sins before I had committed one ; yea, before I was in being he made a full, perfect, and sufficient sacrifice, oblation, and satisfaction, " for the sins of the whole world." Again, I had a feeling sense of these words, " He is made of God unto us, wisdom, and righteousness, and sancti- fication, and redemption." I was led much to cry for a strong and powerful faith, and for deep humility. I find, on reflection, I love to be abased, yea, I embrace contempt as with open arms : but I do not properly acquiesce, when the trial presents itself. I rather start back,f and only embrace it in the second thought. Therefore, I am not so sunk into Christ as to be fully a new creature. Lord, grant me this, and I shall have an in- contestable evidence of what thou hast done ! Feb. 28, Thursday. On Tuesday night, as one was saying, " I do not desire to look on myself at all, I only want to look at Jesus Christ, for when I look on myself I reason ;" I felt it come with power to my heart, and ever since I have felt a farther lift in faith. April 3. Last Friday Mr. Wesley came. It was a time of hurry, but also of profit above any time I ever had with him before. I could not but discern a great change. His soul * This high attainment in the divine life may not be easily understood, as ex- pressed by this "spiritual writer." The inspired writers express it with the utmost plainness and simplicity. It is indeed the being saved from all self-will, and in consequence, the resting every moment in the will of God. It is thus only we can " rejoice evermore, and in every thing give thanks." Tlie faitii by which we are thus saved can only be sustained by " praying without ceasing ," as Kempis finely expresses it, " To thee is my heart without a voice, and my silence speaketh unto thee !" Such is the victory given by " Christ's dwelling in the heart by faith," Ephesians iii, 17. ED. t We ought to feel a repugnance, yea, " an abhorrence to that which iseriL" But this should be attended with resignation to the Lord. In this abhorrence, and in this resignation, " the mirid of Christ," principally consists, and they wen constantly manifest in the whole of his blessed life and conduct. ED, 16* 186 THE LIFE OF [PART Vf aeems far more sunk into God, and such an unction attends his word, that each sermon was indeed spirit and life. In preach- ing on the Trinity, he observed, it was our duty to believe according to the word of God ; but we were not called to com- prehend : that was impossible. Bring me, said he, a worm that can comprehend a man, and I will show you a man that can comprehend God. He observed, that if three candles were burning in a room, the light was but one.* Many answers to prayer I found during the season they were here, and though my body is now too weak for any hurry, yet all was ordered well, and we were carried through with toler- able ease, and every opportunity was blest to my soul. Yesterday I heard, that dear Mr. Charles Wesley died on Saturday last ! O, how often have we, in years that are past, taken sweet counsel together ! It has left a deep solemnity on my spirit. April 11. Last night I felt a peculiar liberty in prayer, in begging for mercy in behalf of my friends in Switzerland. It seems to me it will be answered through my nephew. He grows in grace, and at some seasons appears to enjoy very deep communion with God. O, how shall I praise the Lord for his great goodness and abundant faithfulness to his poor creature ! May 2. I often wish I had more time to attend to my diary : such wonderful answers to prayer are given to me, as ought to be recorded. " Why should the wonders he hath \vrought Be lost in darkness and forgot." May 15, Monday. It is amazing how the Lord answers prayer. I have'written letters, (I may say in faith,) about this preaching house, and have met with success beyond all expec- tation. If we can but get the ground, all will be well. I do think the whole hundred will be made up before we strike one stroke. On Saturday evening, considering these words, " No- thing shall be impossible to you," I acted faith on the Lord for spiritual blessings, for that fulness I long for. I prayed that I miglit have the next day a better Sabbath than common, and so it Was. In the morning meeting I found a farther degree of resignation, and entire confidence in Jesus ; and in that spirit I passed the day, during which I had to encounter such a vari- ety of incumbrances and trials, as were quite uncommon. This encouraged me much. Both Mr. Home's sermons were blest to me, and the noon meeting was attended with an extraor- dinary power. I find it best to carry every thing to Jesus, and draw all from him, determined to believe that he who hath un- dertaken my cause wili ^ot leave his work imperfect. * O that men were eatiaficri thus to believe, and wait upon the High and lafty OKK, that they .night comprehend, in its glorious f/ccts, the doctrine of Uw acred THREE, EC, PART VI.I MRS. FLETCHER. 187 June 11. For some days I have had a clearer sight of the perfect Saviour than ever in my life before ! 1 was much blest in considering the type of the brazen serpent. The following observations, as I read them in a bopk which fell into my hands, made a deep impression on my mind. First, " It may seem strange, that a serpent should be an emblem of the amiable and dove-like Redeemer; but, Moses' serpent was void of poison, and had no sting, but was only in the form of a serpent. So 'God sent his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh,' but an utter stranger to the venom of sin. Again, it was a method of cure solely constituted and appointed of God. Who could liave thought that looking at a dead serpent, and of brass, could have cured the bite of a living one ! Especially if it be true what some affirm, that the sight of burnished brass is naturally pernicious to those who are bitten of serpents, and that to look on the shape of any venomous creature increases the torment of the unhappy sufferers who are bitten by them. So, the method of our recovery by the cross of Christ, is a device which claims God himself for its divine author: and thus the whole method of Gospel salvation is, ' to them who perish foolishness, but to those who believe, it is the wisdom of God, and the power of God.' Secondly, It was a method of cure that never failed ; being no less sure than strange. Not an Israelite died, as Moses assures us, who looked at the brazen serpent : and who were ever confounded that trusted in Christ ! Thirdly, It was a method of cure easily put in practice by an Israelite. If he received his wound in a remote part of the camp, and was too ill to draw near, yet if he turned his eye and looked at the serpent lifted up for him, it was enough ; he was healed ! Fourthly, It was a remedy that might be repeated as often as there was occasion for it. So ' Christ is the propitiation for our sins,' to whom we may warrantably have recourse as often as we are wounded, and in every time of need. Fifthly, It was a remedy that proved effectual, though the sight of the wounded person was ever so weak. So weak faitli is saving in its.de- gree, as well as strong, because the object is the same." * Lhad such a clear view how all our wants were supplied by Jesus as. . I cannot express. Yes, he has atoned for all our sins i he has " reconciled us to God while we were yet enemies !" Bm^we must look to, and trust in him alone ; and we may look every moment. The following day, Sunday, as also Monday and Tuesday, I had much outward exercise, but was carried through all as in the arms of the Almighty. July 16. I was this day led to consider the advantage of living longer, if the Lord should not take me at the time sister Ryan's dream seemed to point out, vz. the beginning of next year. This subject I set myself to consider, lest any murmur- ing thought should present itself in the disappointment. First, 188 THE LIFE Of {PART Vf. If I Bhould live, it must be the will of God, and is not his will dear to me ? It is true, I may have much more to suffer, but is not that suffering the will of God 1 Perhaps I can serve God's children, both their souls and bodies ; and did not my Lord ab- sent himself from the joys of heaven to become a man of sorrows for me 1 Nor is it to be despised if I can thus help my Lord's people by my income. Mr. Baxter says, Do good to men's bodies, if you would do good to their souls. Say not, things corporeal are worthless trifles for which the receivers will be never the better. They are things which nature is easily sen- sible of; and sense is the passage to the mind and will. Dost thou not find what a help it is to thyself to have at any time ease, or alacrity of body ; and what a burden and hinderance pains and cares are ? Labour then to free others from such burdens and temptations, and be not regardless of them." In- deed, I see it a great honour if I am permitted to sweep the dust from under the feet of the saints. Again, I believe there is a mansion appointed for each, a state and employment for which we are to be fitted. It does not appear I am fitted for the lowest mansion there ; but then I know my Jesus can do the work of a thousand years in one day, and I know I may, as my righteousness, claim the Lord my Saviour. August 5. Last night I had a powerful sense, in my sleep, of the presence of my dear husband. I felt such sweet com- munion with his spirit as gave me much peaceful feeling. I IA-A S me days thou ht that ! was called to res st more than did, that strong and lively remembrance- of various scenes both of his last sickness, and many other circumstances, which frequently occurred with much pain. This thought being present to my mind, I looked on him. He said with a most sweet smile, .t is better to forget." What, said I, my dear love, to forget another ? He replied with an inexpressible sweetness, " It :s better to forget ; it will not be long ; we shall not be parted long ; we shall soon meet again." He then signified, though not in words, that all weights should be laid aside. His presence continued till I awoke. August 15. Last night was the anniversary of my dear hus- band s death. Three years I have now passed" in solemn, awfti widowhood; but, glory be to my God ! I have found it three years of prayer. Never did I know three years of such suffer- ing, and never did I know three years of such prayer. Some- 1 have sweet glimpses of the millennial state brought into ' fru^fe? my Way seems thorn y' and as if I walked wholly by faith, like my dream of the little star.* Yet I am scious of a great change : but I want a more abundant evi- that not only many, but all things are become new." It seemed as? a my dear husband remembered the season, for I * See page 80, PART VI.] MRS. FLETCHER. 189 had a most particular dream. I thought the side of his tomb was opened, (I mean the wall on which the iron plate lies,) and I saw him lying under it, while I lay at his side. We remained so a considerable time, and I felt that sweet tranquil composure that I always do when he seems sensibly present. He then said, with a sweetness which I cannot describe, " Put thy arm over me and feel what companions I have ; they must be thy companions too." I put my arms and felt bones and broken coffins, at which nature seemed to shrink, but I did not speak. He tenderly answered to my thought, "Thou wilt lay thy head upon me." I felt some regret at the thought of his being there. He again answered to my thought, " I entered this habitation with great comfort and satisfaction." Then I thought two gentlemen came up, and stood by the tomb, and sa.id one to the other, " It is a pity Mr. Fletcher was laid here, it would have been better to have carried him to Mr. Ireland's vault." My dear love looked on them and answered, " There was no need of that. We count it our privilege to be laid together, and we ought to count it our privilege both to rise from one spot." August 28. All this week my soul has been drawn out after that promise, " He shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost, and with fire." Indeed it is a narrow way. I seem fighting with principalities and powers ; but blessed be God, I do not eeem ever to be fighting with sin. Yet I am not at rest : I am not entered into perfect rest. I can say, " I wrestle not now, but trample on sin ;" but I want what I have not, and which I firmly believe I shall have. Yet when I think death is near, I seem almost impatient for that fulness, that I may begin to live to my God in the full sense. January 1, 1789. I feel my soul affected much at the thought, of seeing the beginning of another year. Perhaps this will be the last with me. May I live each moment as if I were sure it would be so ! Lord, be with us in renewing our covenant this night ! I have for some time been praying for an enlightened understanding in divine things ; and light has reflected more clearly on the wonderful work of redemption. These words are sweet to me, "In the Lord I have righteousness and strength !" The account I have received of my dear, Mrs. Caley's death is precious. She was not in high rapture, but in profound tranquillity and peace. Such has been her life, and such her death. Lord let me follow her as she has followed thee !* Nurse Peters has also reached the goal. Glory be to * Mrs. Caley, well known in that day in London, was a woman of the most devoted spirit, and of the most elegant and polished manners. She, drank deeply of the cup of affliction, but rejoiced evermore in the will of HIM who gave it to her. Mr. Wesley preached her funeral sermon, in London, from Philippiang iv, 8, " Finally, brethren, whalsoever things are true, whatsoever Uiings are honest, whatsoever tilings are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoeK-r things arc lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there Ix; any virtue, aad if the* a 190 THE LIFE OF [PART VI. thee my dear Lord, that I had the honour of sending her that one guinea, and to have her last message, that " it helped her to praise thee more abundantly." O how many dear friends have I on the other side the river ! And I too am on the wing-, only I wait a little till the Lord renew my spiritual strength, "Till of my Eden repossess'd, Prom self and sin I cease." January 7. I have been reading over some of my old diary, and found it much blest to me. It brought to my mind many past scenes, which increased faith and thankfulness ; also, it cast a clearer light on my present state. Comparing my pre- sent state with that I felt at Hoxton, I can truly say now I not only feel all the purity, all the spiritual mindedness, and all the resignation I did then, but in many things I prefer my present dispensation to that. Yet my soul is not satisfied, for I see a far greater salvation before me. In short, it is not the gift, but the full possession of the Giver, my spirit longs for. ' March 6. Last Sunday, as I went to the Lord's table, I renewed my covenant, determining to consider Jesus more im- mediately as the husband to whom I am joined in every sense of the word ; as he who hath undertaken all for me. Since that time I have more particularly found my soul abiding in his presence, and he every moment carrying on the work of puri- fication. The great promise of my life on which he hath made me to hope, is that given me when eighteen, " Thou shalt walk with me in white," and repeated in these words, " Thou shalt walk with me in white ; I will make thee worthy." The pos- ture of my soul is that of a poor beggar before the Lord, holding before him that petition, " Lord accomplish to me the word on which thou hast made me to hope I" Wednesday, March 24. Yesterday dear Mr. Wesley left us in apparent good health. What a miracle is he ! Eighty-six years old, and thus supported ! He is going directly to Ireland, und thinks to visit every society there this summer. The Lord preserve him and accomplish all his will upon him ! As he was speaking on Monday, on these words, " God has not given to us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind," what an unction attended the word ! O may we never, never rest till fully restored to that perfect soundness he de- scribed ! be any praise, think on these things." He declared that he never knew one who thought more upon this divine assemblage of graces, or with more success. Speak- ing of her loving and unwearied efforts to win souls for God, he quoted that line, of Prior, " Manna was on her tongue, and witchcraft in her eyes." Nurae Peters was also well known in London. She was a plain good woman of admirable sense, and deep experience in religion. It is with great pleasure that I embrace this opportunity of embalming the memory of those oxoclleus women by uniting thorn to that of their admirable friend. ED, PART VI.] MRS. FLETCHER. 191 April U. This Lent I have found a deep sense of the suffer- ings of my Lord. Yesterday, being Good Friday, we had a solemn meeting at night, but I did not find quite as much life in speaking as at some times. The men (many of them with families,) who are come to work at the navigation lay much on mind. We ought to do something for their souls. Lord, open the way ! O let them not go without some light at least. April 27. My soul is all upon a stretch for God. Last night and this morning, as I was repeating in prayer, Thy will be done ! my words were lost. I felt the desire of his adorable will being done so strongly, that I was forced for some time only to groan. I am continually led to offer up my free will to God. I long to be as mere clay before him. I plead that word on which he hath made me to hope, "Thou shalt walk with me in white ; I will make thee worthy." Yet my faith hath a strange drawback ; something would suggest, that it only meant in eternity, and that I should never glorify him here as I longed to do. Were I to die immediately, this would not be so great a trial ; but my health is now much better. I thought I saw the port, but I seem put back again ; and perhaps I may live some years. And must I always live at this poor rate ? My very heart and soul seem to groan for a closer communion with my God ! At some moments (I think every day) I feel as it were a sweet rest ; I seem centred in Jesus. But in a few minutes it draws in again, and then I seem to be always believ- ing and longing, but yet without any immediate answer. It is true, faith does not fail ; it is in constant exercise, and often seems to hope against hope. But all this I would not mind. Though Naaman was made whole in seven dips, I would not . mind if the Lord made me dip seventy times seven. But my grief lies here, I am condemned, often once or twice a day, for some word, or thought, or action chiefly in words. Indeed the condemnation does not seem to be from the Lord, as if it would come between my soul and him. But I see I have spoken unadvisedly with my lips, and I cannot bear the horror of the view. There arc some persons with whom I have much busi- ness to transact, who do not see alike, or cordially love one another. In some things both are right, in others both are wrong. I have this connection at present two ways, personally, and by correspondence, and I find it a hard thing to bear my testimony against that winch is wrong, and to approve that which is right in both, and yet neither to write nor speak but exactly so far as truth and love requires. O that I may from this day see, as in letters of blood, before my eyes continually those words of the Apostle, "He that offendeth not in tongue, the same is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body." Ah, Lord ! how far am I yet from this perfection. April 29. I had some liberty in prayer three tunes to-day, 192 THE LIFE OF [PART Vf. the most in the three o'clock hour in the room. I was praying for a clear discovery of the grace or state I might ask for, and expect. It came before me as a representation of Christ as the vine, and of my soul as being a branch ingrafted therein. Then < I saw clearly that every believer was a branch in him, in part united ; but when the branch is perfectly united, it is absolutely a part of the vine. The sap runs freely through every part, it is completely of one nature with it. Then the mind is in us which was also in Christ. We live no longer, but Christ liveth in us, and are preserved from moment to moment by faith. Now if any knot or impediment were in any of the branches, it would hinder the free circulation of the pure sap through it, and that branch would wither, and in a degree be barren. Hence I saw sanctification in a clearer light than ever. It is to be perfectly ingrafted into the vine ; to have no impediment remaining to hinder the flow of the sap, and while the soul thus abides by- faith, it brings forth much fruit, and experimentally knows the meaning of those words of St. John, " He that abideth in him sinneth not." April 30. My soul hath been led to-day tolook at the won- drous love of the Father ! " He spared not his own Son ; he BO loved the world as to lay on him the iniquity of us all" and " shall he not with him freely give us all things ?" June 4. Satan is striving hard to draw my mind back, but I have found this day a liberty to commit my whole cause into the hands of God. I feel a strong encouragement from these words, Every one that asketh receiveth. I ask in Jesus' name to be made a holy soul ! O that all this day I may be kept, and directed by the Lord, and-walk as in his immediate presence. for that mind that was in thee ! June 26. Various providences of late, have more and more convinced me of the need of a farther change. I have it at times ; but something arises that seems selfish ; and again, like anger for a moment, which though never abiding, clearly con- vinces me I have not yet entered fully into rest. I long to be all devoted to ray Lord, and to bring glory to him by every power. July 6. At the class, as I was saying, It was not any pecu- liar or sudden comforts that so tended to the soul's sanctifi- cation, as a constant abandonment and resignation of the whole soul, with every concern, into the hand of Jesus ; 1 felt in a moment such an insight into the love, faithfulness and wisdom of Christ, as I cannot describe. O the security I saw in aban- doning my soul to him ! It was for a minute glorious indeed. 1 kept looking, but it drew back, as if a curtain was for a mo- ment drawn up, discovering some glorious scene, and then gradually let down again. But it has left an increase of con- fidence. O could I always feel what I felt just then, it seems to me it would be a real heaven, and banish all sensibility <>.' 93 " PART VI.] MRS. FLETCHER. 293 fear and , suffering. It was what I never felt before in that degree. July 15. I had some liberty in prayer this morning, as also at the ten o'clock hour. I found a blessing also in reading Mr. Whitefield's account of the dealings of God with his soul, written on board the ship in his way to Philadelphia. He prayed for the humility of Jesus ; and observes, " From my first awakening to the divine life, I felt a particular hungering and thirsting after the humility of Jesus Christ. Night and day I prayed to be a partaker of that grace, imagining that the habit of humility would be instantaneously infused into my soul. But as Gideon taught the men of Succoth with thorns, so God taught me humility by the exercise of strong temptation." I was thus led to consider the point ; and though I clearly dis- cerned the same workings of Providence over myself, how often have I been led to pray more for humility than for any other grace, because by nature it is the virtue I am the most contrary to ; but in my deep affliction, I now discern, this was the Lord's way. There have been many seasons in which, through pride, imprudence, sin of various kinds, I have brought great humilia- tions on myself; and even where they are caused by our owri sin, if they are borne with subjection of spirit to the corrections of God, they work in the end for the salvation of the soul. But at the season I refer to, that of the death of my dear husband, although it really seemed I spoke and acted in an upright spirit, and am now conscious how tender my heart was with the fear of offending, yet I said and did many, very many, unwise things which tended to lessen me greatly in the eyes of others. O how needful for me to lie still in the hand of God, making it my only business to accept of every thing as from the Lord's hand, hanging on that word by faith, Thou shatt walk with me in white ! I am convinced that the most profitable of all hu- miliations, are those that arise, through his grace, from a view of our own blunders, and even from our corruptions. September 14. I have been much drawn to pray, that the great design of the Lord's coming may be answered, That Tie may destroy the works of the devil. I see, through his grace, my understanding is darkened. I ask in Jesus' name this work to be destroyed ; for by the knowledge of Christ alone can I be changed into his likeness. I see Satan raises false fears, false views, and wandering imaginations : I ask deliver- ance from all these !* My soul lies before the Lord in a waiting posture : in particular I ask power to consecrate the faculty of * It is not clear that those great and precious promises, by which we are made ,partakers of the Divine nature, secure to believers such a deliverance from these attacks, that they should not trouble them, and at times, even agonize the eoul. But they secure to them such an abiding in Christ, that none of those de- vices should prevail to unsettle their faith, or separate them from his love. ED. 17 194 THE LIFE OF {PART VI. speech to the service of my God, so that I may never again speak an unadvised word. September 15. Last Saturday (September 12) I was fifty years old. O my God, how little have I gained of thee in fifty years ! Lord, let this be a jubilee year to me ! I will try what prayer can do. Lord, give me a measure of that spirit in which thou didst spend whole nights in prayer ! Never was I more stript, more empty ! I have no dependence but on thyself. I long for close communion. My soul pants after it. I have wonderful answers to prayer ! And I feel that my humiliations do me good. Yet I do not embrace them as I ought to do. It is perhaps a minute before I rightly enter into the gracious de- sign. When I look to the Lord, all is right ; but I want such an habitual look, as shall enable me to receive them as a hungry man does his food ! Not only to take up, but to glory in the cross of the Lord Jesus. I seem to walk much more by faith than by sight. My soul seems to go out in desire and" silent prayer. I am mostly in the act of crying, Come ! But there seems silence on the side of the Lord ! He does not answer by sweet comforts, only by power over sin, purity of mind in a good degree ; and an almost constant act of sacrifice.* I love his will, bitter or sweet, but I want him as the bride in the Canticles, to kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for his love is better than wine. September 16. This morning at the ten o'clock hour, I had freedom in praying for an entire change. I thought, My situa- tion as to outward things, is the most advantageous to a reli- gious life that can be. I have no cares ; indeed I have no need of care. I have plenty of all I can want. Sally, though a tender child, is one of much ability ; laying herself out to serve and please me in all things. Matty, my other servant, of a most quiet and peaceable spirit, and rigidly honest and faithful. Blessed be God, her soul also comes forward in the divine life. Reflecting on this, I drew from it the following encouragement : If I am thus favoured, is it not plain the Lord designs me to be one of those who are brought into close fellowship with himself? May I not attain to a fuller salvation than when in- volved in all my perplexities 1 My heart was encouraged. I thought on these words, " Men ought always to pray, and not to faint." Again, " I am come that they may have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." My soul longs for this more abundant life. Lord, pour out on me thy light * And was there no divine comfort in all these glorious marks and fruits of the new creation ? There was. Comfort high as heaven, and which hell can never imitate ! Par superior even to those sweet consolations which are so graciously 'bestowed on youn^ converts, and which some sincere souls so greatly need throughout the whole of their pilgrimage She lambs that he carries in his besom. PART VI,] MRS. FLETCHER. 195 and truth, and make me, in a complete sense of the word, a new creature ! I was led to think of the familiar manner in which our Lord conversed with the women and his disciples after his resurrection. He met them and said, " All hail" (i. e. happiness attend you,) and bid them "tell his brethren he would see them in Galilee." Probably on Mount Tabor, where his glorious transfiguration was manifested before them : and where they heard the voice of God, declaring him " the beloved Son whom they were to hear." They were also commanded to " tell the vision to no man, till the Son of man 'should be risen from the dead. " The thought struck my mind, perhaps in this very assembly they were first to tell it ! All this en- couraged me greatly. October 5, Monday. This has been a day of recollection and prayer, glory be to God ! I have had some views of the great designs of God on his redeemed; how through the SON, he will form his own bright and glorious image in us. We are appointed to be conformed to the image of the SON, and is he not the express image of the Father ? A little glimpse of what the Saviour is, and will be to me, now and then for some time beamed forth, and set my soul in a longing posture. Yet it is but like seeing through the lattice. 1 long to know whether what I see before me, and grasp after, may be attained in this life, or must I die to prove it ? O my divine Director, my Prophet, speak and tell me ! This is all that keeps me back, not knowing what I may ask, having been so great a sinner. Something says, I shall not fully enter into the good land here.* To-day I was reading those words, " In the last day, Jesus will present himself as judge, to angels, men, and devils." I asked myself, Do I embrace with all mysoul, Jesus as my judge ? My heart sprang at the thought ! Yes, my ador- able Judge ! I choose thee with all my powers ; reicquiesce beforehand in thy sentence, be,it what it will: yea, and in all thou shalt appoint from this moment to that time ! Many times to-day these words have been my food, "The Lord God Omni- potent reigneth !" October 6. I was ill most of last night, but was recollected, and had a sense of undeserved mercies. Reflecting to-day on that point which hath so often hindered me, viz. Some say, when we have sinned we should wait for a fresh pardon, a fresh sense of it, before we believe. I prayed for light, how to walk in my present state ; and the following reflection arose in my mind. I feel my will is turned to the Lord. He who knows all things, knows, I long, I pant, to love him perfectly, and to ; Scriptu tion." ED. 196 THE LIFE OF [PART VI. Jive every moment to his praise, with the fall exertion of my powers. But sometimes, when I am waiting before God, it is suggested, I have indulged in the last meal, or, I have spoken unadvisedly at such a time. These things have kept me in bondage long. But to-day, I clearly see my one business is to maintain faith. How is it that the soul is ever received after any fall? Is it not at last by believing Christ hath atoned for that sin ? Now I feel I could, on the recollection of any stum- hie, immediately fly to, and weep on the bosom of my Lord. But that thought has presented itself, Am I not an Antinomian 7 But I will no more take man, but the word of God for my director. What were my Lord's words to Peter] "I have prayed for thee that thy faith fail not." So then this faith ought not to fail, though he denied his Lord with oaths and curses ! And what a word was that, when his Lord, foretelling his fall, added, "And when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren." What tenderness was showed unto him! He wept bitterly, but he still claimed his interest in his Saviour, for he ran to the tomb to seek him. And how did our Lord wipe away his tears ! He was seen of him before any of the eleven, 1 Corinthians xv, 5. He was the first preacher at pen- tecpst. The first messenger to the Gentiles. An angel musi wait on him to bring him out of prison ; and at last, he received the crown of martyrdom. Did not Christ on the cross foresee, and die for all my sins before I had a being ? Did he not pay the price for all 1 But it is only mine by believing. Then if I always believe, does not that word belong to me, " There is no condemnation to them who are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh but after the Spirit?"* It is true, if the will and affections draw back, the soul will find it hard so to believe as to retJ*a to the former fellowship. And yet there is no way for themWt by believing. The case I mean is, I see it my privilege to live always under the atonement ; and though I do wrong, and fall short continually, yet I may and must run di- rectly to my God, just as I did with my husband. If he said, Polly, thou shouldst not have said or done so ; I asked his for- giveness, and had no fear of his loving me the less. Nay, usually I found more tenderness when I acknowledged my fault, than before I fell into it. That word also came to my mind, " Blessed is the man to whom the Lord will not impute sin." And again, " If thou canst believe, all things are possible. He that believeth is justified from all things." October 31 .These words have made a great impression on my mind of late, When one of the scribes asked our Lord, "What he should do to inherit eternal life?" He replied, " What readest thou in the law ?" The scribe answered, " Thou * See the note in the 177th page. Eo. PART VI.] MRS. FLETCHER. 197 shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and mind, and soul, and strength ; and thy neighbour as thyself." Our Lord replied, " Thou hast well said ; this do, and thou shalt live." I discerned a fulness in this passage which I never did before, and all my soul cried for the possession of that spirit of love, to which this absolute promise of life is made. Many times I have observed, in prayer, or at some peculiar seasons in other means, such a spirit of purity, humility, and love, has over- whelmed my soul, as is hardly to be expressed. At other times, the Divine glory appeared but dim. I saw at once the cause. At the former times, the soul turned from every intervening object, and sunk into her proper place, discerning the immense distance between a holy God and sinful self. Then she begins to shine in his brightness. Her light 'is come, because the glory of the Lord is risen upon her. But if she rises out of her deep absorbment, and lets in self-esteem, what wonder if she then reflects the odious image of sin, instead of the beauty of the Lord Jesus. I perceived also, that there is a great dif- ference between humble thoughts and despairing thoughts. Humble thoughts, though they may cause much pain by the horror and detestation which they cause the soul to feel, yet they exalt the Saviour, and make the soul admire the justice as well as the mercy of God. But despairing thoughts, injected by the devil, drive the soul from God, and represent him as " a hard Master, gathering where he hath not strowed." The faithful soul will find many such attacks, therefore the safest way is continually to give up herself to- the Lord, crying, Thy will be done ! That is a weapon Satan cannot stand against. November 12. This day, being the day of our marriage, many painful remembrances would present themselves to my mind. Each year I wrote, " We are happier and happier !" But I feel a great thankfulness, that I have such an offering to bring to Him who gave up all for me ! Yes, I praise thee, my Lord, that thou hast done thine own will, and not mine. At ten I took my hour before the Lord, and felt some power afresh to dedicate myself to Jesus, entering into a marriage covenant with him. A light shone on my soul to discern how the husband hath undertaken the whole cause of the wife, and I saw both body and soul safe in his hands. I then entreated my adorable husband to take all the freedom of my will into his own hand ; and, as we say to the surgeon, bind me, (for an operation,) so I entreated my Lord to conform me to himself in any way that he pleased ; only that he should be glorified. A thought again presented itself, What if, in eternity, it be his will that I should neither know nor have any communion with my dear husband ? I was enabled to answer, Lord, thy glory is all in all to me ! I felt that he should choose for me. And I was enabled to give up soul, body, life, death, time, and eternity to him, sad cove- 17* 198 THE LIFE OF fPART Vfc nanted to live on his will alone ! And henceforward, I will consider this day as my wedding day with the Lord, holding ray dear husband in him, whose soul I know will have joy in heaven upon every nearer approach which I make to his Saviour, and my Saviour ! his all, and my all ! November 14. After I had spent some time in prayer this morning I felt an increasing freedom in imploring that the whole mind of Christ might be brought into my soul. Those words are much in my thoughts, " Be ye not afraid, neither doubt, for God is your guide," 2 Esdras xvi, 75. Lord, increase my confidence ! I saw how impossible it was to have union where there was not similitude ; and my cry was, Fulfil that word, Q, Lord, on which thou hast made me to hope ! Make me clean through th'y word ! and present me to thyself with- out spot ! Afterward, reading the Life of Ignatius Loyala, and especially what pains he took, and what labour he went through to gain souls, I could not but be struck at the glaring difference between him and me. One day, having taken a step he be- lieved to be his duty, but which caused him both pain and ignominy, and being rebuked by a friend, he replied, " I should not object to traverse all the streets of Paris barefoot, with horns on my head, and clothed in the most ridiculous habit, could it but gain one soul to God."* The conviction imme- diately struck me, that all I wanted was to be filled with the love of God, and that would produce every effect in its proper order. Lord, let my incessant cry be for this ! O give me this most excellent gift of charity ! January 7, 1790. And now another year is gone, and I am so much nearer eternity ! Yes, my faithful Saviour ! I will rejoice in the thought, because thou art faithful, and I do believe for the fulfilment of all thy promises : they are yea and amen in thee, on whom I rely. I believe I shall walk with thee in white ! O carry on thy work ! I long to be just what my God pleases. In the last month I have had a peculiar experience. I was often tempted to think, that the deadness I felt to all earthly things might be produced by my great affliction on account of my dear husband's death, and I was sometimes damped by that thought in my ardour of praise. But a few weeks ago, I was permitted to feel all the temptations I ever felt, except resent- ment, and I was conscious I could fall into the same desires ot comfort on earth from which I had been so long delivered. My soul was grieved exceedingly ; yet strange ! I seemed nearer to God than before ! I was amazed, but these words came to my mind, " Know that from Jesus alone is your salvation." I cried to the Lord that he would graciously prove it by remov- * Pious Protestants well know hvw w appreciate this. True piety is of n* 9K\: it is truly catholic, Eu. ?ART VI.J MRS. FLETCHER. 199 ing the temptation, and so it proved. Glory be to my com- plete Saviour ! It is now like a dream, but I know and feel the divine reality. I seemed to be surrounded with blessings, and see such a care of the Almighty over all that concerns me, as I cannot ex- press. Sally had been very ill, but raised again in answer to prayer as by miracle. My house is a sweet rest, and " a secret place in the wilderness to hide me in." Many storms are with- out, but none can touch me. I seem hid from all the evils of which my letters inform me. I have peace within, resting in hope ; and peace in all my borders. I have communion with my friends above, and none below can harm or injure me. As to temporal things, I inherit now, (and have done some years. / the fulness of that promise, given to me in my deep poverty " Thou shalt be the head and' not the tail : thou shall lend and not borrow." It is amazing how many I can help both by lending and giving ; and when I made up my book this last Christmas, I was surprised to see on how little we had kept the house, and how large was the poor's account ;* yet a little is always left to go on with. He does bless my bread and my water. I want for nothing. I live better than I think I need, and yet, according to the promise, I have always plenty of silvzr. January 13. Two days ago, a gentleman and his wife came to see me from a considerable distance. He told me that for two years he had walked in the full liberty of the sons of God. But for the last eight years he had been in the darkness of un- belief. I was led to speak freely on the way of faith ; and mentioned an instance I had lately heard of a good woman, who, when in prayer, her eyes being shut, had a sight of paradise, where she saw our Lord as sitting in the midst of the glorified spirits. There proceeded from him such beams of purity, light, and glory, as penetrated them till they were all irradiated, and shone with his glory. She saw also the same glory stream down on the saints below, and they, in the same manner, keep- ing their eyes on the Lord, were divinely changed. But when any of them turned away their eyes, they received his beams no longer. The same glory still shone round them, but they complained of being barren and dry, and that they could get no answers to prayer. I observed, that I thought this was his case. If we keep faith in exercise, we shall and must receive, for we may have of God, what we will take of him. As I spake, I said in my heart, if this is the truth as it is in Jesus, Lord, set to thy seal ! And so he did, for the power of God came down on the gentleman, and constrained him to cry out, O, now I feel it again ! I feel the power of God go through me ! When I * In an account fur one year ; I Aud.UiMrhole expenss of her wearing apparei amounted to a trifle mere tuaa two pounds, E* 200 THE LIFE Of [PART VH. came into this room, my heart was as hard and as heavy as if the whole world lay on it. But now it is all gone, and I feel the power of God penetrate my whole frame. His wife also was much affected, and I trust the blessing will abide. January 25. A dream which was told me the other day by S. Colley was blest to me. She thought she was surrounded with dangers, but looking up, she saw a large eye always fixed on her, which much encouraged her faith in an overruling Pro- vidence. Then she thought she got into a river, and began to sink. It was very deep and clear, and she was much afraid ; but looking down, she saw this great eye underneath her, which caused such a faith to spring up in her soul, that she laid herself down on the water, with as much comfort and ease as if upon her bed. She felt she could not sink with the power of the Almighty underneath her. January 27. My soul was yesterday and this day much drawn out in prayer. Those words are often before me, " None knoweth the Father but the Son, and he to whom the Son is pleased to reveal him." I long for this revelation. I feel it is, in its fulness, the thing 1 want. Thus only St. Paul's prayer can be answered, Ephe- sians, iii, 14-21. O for this revelation of thy love ! I wait for it moment by moment. And thou sayest, "They shall not be ashamed who wait for thee !" I wait for the salvation " which shall be brought in at the revelation of Jesus Christ." l February 11. The seventh of this month, (on which was our quarterly meeting,) I found it a good day. My soul saw the way of faith, and felt a degree of that liberty which from believ- ing flows. At our class on Tuesday night, we agreed to unite our prayers the ensuing week for power over imaginations, (2 Cor. x, 5,) especially during the tune of prayer, and blessed be God, I find some answer. February 26, Friday. I have found this a comfortable day. While talking with brother T. the way of faith was more and more beautiful in my eyes. In prayer I had a sweet discovery of the depth contained in those words, " Whatsoever things ye ask in prayer, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them." Yesterday I proved that truth. I asked in the name, and in the right of my Lord, that his will might be done without interruption in me all day ; and that I might be kept and taught in every word and action, and enabled to abide as in the pre- sence of God. And though I had no sensible joy, yet I found the power of God keeping me, and approving me each moment since that time. I have been poorly in body, but I so see the hand of God in all, that I seem like a little babe held in the arms of its mother. As brother T. was speaking, I saw the way of enjoying pure love clearer than ever. O, wherefore did I ever doubt? According as I believe, so it is ! Surely.of lata PART VI.] MRS. FLETCHER. 201 the Lord is increasing my faith, and teaching me anew to walk with himself. Mr. T. observed, that " God brought his children through different dispensations, sometimes of sorrow, some- times of joy. That it was our part to trust him in all, believing all would be right in its season ; and equally accepting either correction or comfort. God knew what he was about to do with Job, and Job had only to lie still under the hand of God ; for a time was coming in which God would surely lift him up. He had no need to plead his own cause, for he was safe in God's hand, who was then making him a spectacle of glory before angels and devils ; though to man he appeared very dif- ferent." June 26, Saturday. I am much led this morning to pray for a resigned will, to stand to the beck of my Lord with a ready rnind. Yes, he shall do with me and mine as seems to him good. Company in the house is a great cross ; they consume much time, and the serving tables seems to clash with my Sab- bath employment. But in this also, thou, my Lord, shall dis- pose and direct : only give me a watchful mind, and then set me to entertain all the strangers thou pleasest. I know not what blessed angels may come with them as their attendants, and I will keep to my old motto, " O that my Lord would count me meet To wash his dear disciples' feet f After my lowly Lord to go, And wait upon his saints below ; Enjoy the grace to angels given. And serve the royal heirs of heaven !" But I see there needs a determination to be singular. Some professors, when they have company in the house, sit chatting with them all day. This I must not do. It was one of the first lessons God taught me, to keep to my rules of retirement ; to do my business, as to writing, visiting the sick, meeting the classes, &c, leaving them to their freedom, and taking mine. One part of my work must not overturn another. August 14. What have I seen within these five years ! This day five years my beloved was on his death bed. But how is it with me now? I answer, and from the ground of my heart, " It is well." I have nothing to do but to praise ! I love him at thie moment as much as ever I did in my life ; but I love the will of God still better. Yes, I adore thee, my almighty Sa- viour, that thou hast done thine own will, and not mine ! And that my dearest love has been five years in glory. O that I might be permitted to feel a little of what he now is, lost and swallowed up in thee ! Lord, are we not one 1 " The head of the woman is the man, as the head of the man is Christ ;" and "whom God hath joined together none can put asunder." Adam and Eve were never intended to be separated : and shall 202 THE LIFE OF [PART Vi. sin so overturn thy original design, as that it cannot be restored by the Saviour? Surely, no ! As thou hast taken away the sting of sin, so thou hast taken away the smart of separation. We are yet one ; and shall I not feel a communication froir thyself passing through that channel ? Lord, make me spirit- ually minded ! " meet to partake of the inheritance of the saints in light." August 24. My soul is much stirred up by the thought that 1 have lost time more than any one that has really walked in the ways of the Lord. It seems to me that I begin to see a fulness in the word of God, such a depth in the promises, that I have been looking hitherto only for the first principles of Christianity. O for that baptism of the Spirit ! That sancti- fying grace ! ,lt seems as if I wanted the Lord to come and take away the last breath of nature's life ! I see a great deal in these words, " The kingdom of heaven is at hand." The kingdom of abiding " righteousness, peace, and joy, in the Holy Ghost." Surely that is " the kingdom of heaven," of which our Lord said, that the least member of it " was greater than John the Baptist." Lord, bring me into that liberty ! I ask it in the name of my Saviour and Advocate. Last night I prayed that I might not have so disturbed a night as I have found of late, but that the Lord would keep away those hurrying dreams which often disturb the quiet repose of my spirit. And it was so ; I found a difference. About the middle of the night I saw my dear husband before me. We ran into each other's arms. I wished to ask him several ques- tions concerning holiness, and the degree to be expected here, &c. But I found something like a dark cloud on my memory, so that I said in myself, I cannot frame the question I would ask ; I am not permitted. At length I asked, My dear, do you not visit me sometimes'? He answered, " Many times a day." But, said I, Do not " principalities and powers" strive to hinder you from communing with me ? He said, " There is something in that." And does their opposition cause you to suffer in coming to me] He answered, "There is not much in that." But do you know every material thing that occurs to me? " Yes." And may I always know that thou art near me, when I am in trouble, or pain, or danger? He paused, and said faintly, " Why, yes;" then added, "but it is as well for thee not to know it, for thy reliance must not be upon me." He mentioned also some in glory who remembered me, and said, " Mr. Hey is with us also, he bid me tell thee so, and by that, thou mayest know that it is I that speak to thee." Mr. Hey died a short time before, very happy in the Lord, September 14. As I was in prayer about ten to-day, a thought came into my mind, God is incomprehensible ; but we are called to walk by faith, therefore I ain to believe what I cannot coiv.. VI, J MRS. FLETCHER. 203 prehend. And 0, what sweet condescension did I see in that stupendous goodness ! He took our nature that we might be ille to form some conception of him. He stooped to me, to 'ift me up to himself. " God so loved us as not to spare his own Son. Then will he not with him freely give us all things '!" 1 see clearly, it is the infinite desire of the blessed Triune God, to communicate himself to the creature. Ah ! why is it then I do not enjoy more of him ? September 17. I was much struck with the comparison of the sun drawing up the vapour, and purifying it as it draws. As I was walking to the Lloyds' I thought much on it, and said in my mind, How shall I know, and coincide with this attrac- tion 1 Immediately it came to my mind, by that word, " Thy will be done ;" by this resignation we instantly enter into the attraction, whatever state we were in before :* and by a simple look to Jesus, a waiting on the Spirit to do its office on us, we continue therein. Lord give me so to wait every moment ! I was comforted in my visits yesterday morning, and again to-day. Glory be to God, souls come forward, and I have been enabled to walk about more this summer, than for a long time. Lord, make me to be as a leaf to the wind before thee ! ready to obey all thy will. Great liberty and power I have found for some months, both in public and private meetings. O, what a favour to be permitted to speak a word in thy name ! September 22. I was thinking to-day, What is sin? It is a turning out of the presence of God, and departing from union with him ; drawing back from the attraction.! While that is kept up, no sin is imputed. Many blunders may be made ; but while the heart keeps attached to Jesus, cleaving to him by faith, these words stand good, " There is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus." The will being still fastened to his cross, all that is wanting is a closer attention to the Spirit. Then these blunders would be rectified. My one con- cern must be, to keep in this presence .of God, lying before him as clay, and he will do all his will in me. September 30. I have found it on my mind some time, that something more should be done for the souls in the lower part of the town. We have had preaching there, and prayer meet- ings, and yet they seem all dead and cold. Sally thought of several persons, and we got the names of twenty-eight families. We both laid it before the Lord, considering that our good class, which meets on the Tuesday night, were all raised at first by inviting them to a meeting. We proposed to do the * But the call to "repent and bolieve the Gospel" must be first obeyed. ED. t St. John tells us, " Sin is the transgression of the law ; the law written in the heart," or recorded in the word. But Mrs. Fletcher evidently means, How doe sin revive in those believers who tctre. dead to sin ? In this view of the question, (be remarks that follow raav be profitable. ED. 204 THE LIFE OF [PART VJ. same with these. But Sally did not feel freedom to meet them. At night, in prayer, the Lord laid it on my mind to take this meeting also. Therefore she and I set out in faith, determin- ing to call on as many as my strength would reach. We saw much of the Lord all the way. I have got a promise from all we have asked, which is fifteen. We visited many more, hut did not see the tune come to ask them. We have many still to go to. I have appointed ten o'clock on Tuesday morning for this new meeting. The Lord pour his blessing upon it ! I was pleased to find some old ones, on whom my dear husband had spent much labour, seemingly without fruit, now begin to feel, and they attend the public meetings. October, 8. The following observation was blest to me as I read it this day. " There is among men here on earth, an almost infinite diversity of gifts, talents, knowledge, inclina- tions, knows I want to be fully saved ; and ^vill consider it as mj one business. Lord, get thyself glory *on me ! The other norning I was awaked by those words powerfully impressed, " O glorious seat, thou God oufr Kng, Shalt thither bring our willing fit!" Last night those words were precious, ' With favour will 1 encompass them as with a shield." My spirit seems to long for a closer communion. I have thought on those words, " If any man love me he will keep my wcrds, and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, md make our abode with him." I see I must apply myself mere to " do the will of God," watching each word and thought, md taking up every cross with cheerfulness. October 12. I have been reading over vith deep attention, the Life of Mr. David Brainerd. O, whit a deep searching book have I found it ! Many times bebre have I read it through, but never so entered into the sprit of it as now. He observes, It was always his heaven to do .he will of God, from his first conviction; and he could neve' rest, but in doing something for the Lord, even when dfath wa a upon him ! Lord, make me to be of that mind ! To aave our happiness in doing and suffering the will of God, is indeed the strongest assurance the soul can have of future glory. For, can any thing separate God's will from himself! Neither life nor death can then divide the soul ffom his eternal presence. Glory be to God, I feel some little (neasure of this spirit. My delight is, that the Lord reigneth, and my rest is in his will. AB I was thinking the other day, perhaps I may be called to 516 THE LIFE OF [PART VII, have the cancer cut out of my breast, perhaps out of both, as there is pain in the other, and formed the idea of the hand- kerchief tied over my eyes, and my arms bound to the chair. As I was offering myself up to the will of God, I felt those words applied, " I am ready not only to be bound, but to die for the Lord Jesus." On Monday morning I ha^ a peculiar sweetness on my spirit in meeting the people ; and it night I read and spoke from the 21st of Matthew. It was i good time, and some souls were blest. On the Tuesday, bang our intercession, I do not know when I have found such liferty. The Lord was very present, and a deep solemnity reaed on the congregation ; some of whom have since told nW the Lord wrought much on them that night. Blessed be aod, he still gives me to bear his message to the people. & that my little remaining strength and time may all be dev/ted to him. Yet I have of late been much tried with such a Jtupor upon me in the morning, that I cannot rise till near alven o'clock. This pains me much. Lord, make me more ictive in thy work ! I have since ob- served some answer tl prayer, with regard to rising in the morning ; Lord, give np to persevere ! November 1. Theuord give me to abouml in charity as to the outward act ! Bit where is the difficulty of being so, when the Lord hath /nade my cup to run over 1 If ever my charity was great, it ras when I had little, expecting a prison for myself, while I ws helping others. Yet at that time I am not sure it was cheerfully done ; a necessity seemed laid upon me. But now though I give much, and am much em- ployed for the poor, yet I fear I do not save all I might for them out of what is /pent on my worthless self. How has the Lord appeared for pe ! Another's grace, another's wisdom, another's managenfint ! My father's and husband's money all devoted to rny service ! all gathered together to serve me ! While these thoughts came rolling over my mind, those words presented themselves, " When I sent you without purse or script, lacked ye any thing 1 And they said, Nothing." November 13, Tuesday. Yesterday concluded eleven years since my dear husband and I were made one. It was a solemn day to iije. I strove to renew my marriage covenant with the Lord ; but it was a lay of gloom ; I had no near access. Much of it was employed among the people, as Monday usually is. In the morning meeting 1 had some liberty, and more at night, while reading and speaking on the 12th of the Hebrews. December 1. I was much encouraged in considering, that it is the office of Jesus tc " baptize with the Holy Ghost." How is it we so neglect to ook for the fulfilment of that office of our Lord ! Did he not say, " He that believeth on me, out of his belly ehall flow rivers of living water? And this b* PART VII.] MRS. FLETCHER. 217 pake of the Spirit," which they who believe on him were to receive. This gift of the Holy Ghost is therefore the very tiling believers are to look for. No matter what they call it, a clean heart, salvation from evil tempers, purity, or what they will, it makes no difference. There is a baptism of the Spirit for believers to receive, and which I have had a taste of; but I want the fulness. The Lord is faithful, it shall come. Yes, I see it, I come near it, I feel a touch of it while writing ; yet my faith wants a farther lift. Lord, it must be all thy own doing ! December 2. I was talking yesterday with one who told me many were much alarmed about the nation. That inflam- matory papers were throwing about among the army, and it is feared they will raise among them such a spirit as reigns in those of France. I was led to consider that and various other things which appeared to me as signs of the times. At night I felt much liberty in pleading for our good king, and that God would restrain the evil ones, who are striving to raise a spirit of ingratitude and rebellion in our nation. I felt comfort in my old word, " The Lord reigneth !" Decerftber 11. This has been on the whole a good day. I cannot say I have found so much liberty in the times of family prayer as I usually have ; but in the five times of my private ' approaches to the Lord I think I have each time had a greater degree of it. December 16, Sunday. My spirit pants after God! O Lord, glorify thyself upon me ; this is what I long for, and pray for. I seem like a poor beggar waiting at mercy's door ; oft full of hope, and then again the door seems shut. I want the spirit of prayer. I want also a more self-denying spirit. Last night 1 dreamed my dear husband wrote a line for me to read. I took up the paper witli desire, and read " Those who closely follow Jesus Christ can discern the mark of the thorn in his steps." As soon as I was dressed, I lighted a candle, and opened the Bible to read, when I cast my eyes on those words, "Seeing Christ hath suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves alt-o with the same mind." I see it. If I would Christ, I must know my path by that very mark. A . ' <'ath to my own will. Lord, show me how to walk f mo a steady power to rise tlfe very moment the alarungoes off. To watch against sloth all day, and to use more abstemiousness ia my food. I believe this would be good both for souLn^d body ; and I have asked it of the Lord, that Sally may see it in thr right light, and not fret and be unhappy when I do not taKC what she thinks I ought. This is oft a mighty hinderance to me in little mortifications which I would use. I am quite clear "I have no right to hurt my body. I am not, I think, in any danger of that. But often self-denial promotes health. I hope UP 218 THE LIFE OF |>RT Vlf. to begin to-morrow,-a day which we had set apart to pray for the nltion, and for the children on whom the Lord had begur to work. I propose to keep a watch over my appetite each day, and this indeed the Lord hath already given me ; but to this I would add a shadow (for I cannot call it more) of a fasi twice a week. On Mondays arid Fridays I would omit butter in the morning, eating dry bread, and as ^\**** without sugar. For dinner, water gruel, with salt and pepper, and as onother days, tea for my supper -Th,s cannot tart my health, and may be a kind of remembrancer that there 8U F h ebruary ^1793.-The watch-night, the last evening of the year, and the intercession, the first of this year, were both favoured with much of the presence of God, and some souls were a .rood deal stirred up. Blessed be the Lord, the work does not cease. How melancholy did our situation appear when Mr. Home was called away! But we are comfortably provided for in a minister. O, how good it is to stand still, S commit all our ways to God ! This day my spmt has been waiting on the Lord, and enabled to keep in his presence March 20 This morning I felt a power to ask thft I might be kept from grieving the Hdy Spirit all the day I knew there ' wouMbe mudi hurry and many distractions. Glory be to my God' I found Jesus a sweet refuge, anf,a freedom trom all confusion or hurry of thought all the day The presence of the Lord keeps all in peace. This day I have experienced afresh the fulfilment of my former promise of haying plenty of silver. Among other things I have, had some singular oppor- tunities of helping the church and the poor, each in small por- tions. Oh '. how can I praise the Lord sufficiently for such an lulcrence ! What numbers of his dear children am I enabled to assist! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name ! . March 26. This morning having some pamtul thoughts respecting the cancer, I carried them to the Lord. A sweet calm came over my spirit. I could freely offer up all to God. He knows, if I saw my way clear, I am ready every hour tc submit to the operation. While I waited in calm and peaceful resignation, that word occurred to my mind, " Can there be evifin the city, and the Lord hath not done it ? I said, No ! it is all in his hand. It can rise no higher than he pleases. . thought, also, If my dear husband was with me, and had power over the complaint, should I be under any concern about it. answered No, I should not. My tender partner would direct and help me through all. Well, said my heart, my heavenly Bridegroom is more powerful, more loving, more present, th the dearest human friend can be. I have nothing to do but stand still, and he will instruct me in the way I should go. 1 ART VII.] MRS. FLETCHER. 219 have his own promise, all shall work together for my good. Even my mistake, if I am under one respecting this disease, all shall be for good. I am alone, and have none to direct me. Therefore, I give up all to my Lord ! and as we order for an infant, so will he order all for me. Whatever is his choice is mine. April 1. Yesterday, being Easter Sunday, I felt a desire to give up all my concerns into the hands of God, by a fresh dedi- cation of myself to him at his table. I was much troubled the night before with a suggestion, that I ought to have the cancer cut out, and that I shpuld see it so, by and by. I ventured to pray that if it were the will of God that I should stand still and wait on him, he would give me a peculiar blessing on the morrow. My prayer was graciously heard. So comfortable a Sabbath I have not had for years. I gave up soul and body into the Lord's hand, with a firm confidence that he would order for me, as a tender husband for a wife ; and when I went to the table I was enabled to consider it as the seal of our mu- tual covenant, and my faith has ever since found an increase. The marks of death seem to be upon me, and they are a great blessing ! I seem continually called to offer myself up as in martyrdom ; and so many sweet promises come before me, assuring rne of -the tender care of my Lord, that I sometimes think never was a^eature so safe and so happy. April 4. Rcfleccurred yesterday which I found good. One who came to me VII.] MRS. FLETCHER. 231 told me some things that had been said, which to nature would be grating, and once would have been a great trial. But I found power to embrace the humiliation, and could share with joy his lot who was "counted a worm, and no man, the scorn of men, and the reproach of the people." Considering my various complaints, I see death not far off, and it seems iny business, and one concern, to bend all my thoughts that way. O, to awake up after his likeness ! Lord, get thyself glory on rne ! I pant to be all Ifte thee ! June 10. Last night for some hours I could not sleep, having much fever. But I found it a good time of pleading with the Lord, that he would glorify himself on me. I pleaded that blessed word, " They who have much forgiven shall love much." December 31. Another year is almost at an end. How is my soul 7 Lord, what have I gained this year 1 I feel more liberty in prayer, more hunger and thirst after God ; yet only in a small advance to what I would be. I feel an unspeakable nearness to eternity, and a deep sense of its importance. O that I may live to God as I have never yet done ! This morn- ing pleading that word, Whatsoever ye ask in my name, I will do it, I felt my confidence increase, and can firmly rely on the word of the Lord. I did, and do now, ask such a state of soul as will most glorify my Lord. I ask to dwell in love. It appears to me there can be no witness equal to this. When I dwell, constantly dwell, in the element of love, there can be no room for a doubt. But my hinderance from entering fully into this state, is the want of looking every moment to Jesus. I am sensible I should glow fast if I unremittingly kept my eye iked on him. But since I have more ardently desired this, it seems as if all hell opposed it,* and as it were forced away ray mind, or brought black. clouds between me and my views of heaven. Yet will I persevere ; yea, I will hang upon thy word, believing the cloudless day shall come. January 4, 1797. Much comfort I have had in meeting the Tuesday class in the morning. They almost, every one seem to have renewed their vigour with the new year. O, how did they praise God, saying, they had never known such a Christ- mas ! Several of these were, a few months since, 6trong_in the devil's service. They are now rejoicing in the Lord ! poor C. D. nothing could comfort him. He seemed loc up in dark despair, till at the covenant on Sunday night Lord set him at liberty. On Tuesday night while lie speaking, how did my heart leap for joy ! O, what an ans to prayer ! On Wednesday morning the meeting was very lively, and several seem to have begun the new year in * The devil knows it is the very thing that will overcome him. It is this alone that will deliver us from that worldly spirit, which is the element ic which he $-orks. Every thing is little compared to this faith. ED. 232 THE LIFE OF [FART VII, the most solemn spirit of prayer. How many of these likewise were a few months ago dark sinners ! ,O Lord, we hope to see more and more of thy power among us. March 20. " Gracious is the Lord, and merciful." O, how much of his faithfulness have I seen of late ! More and more do I discover how he orders all for us. Some affairs of late have threatened distress to the nation, and loss to me. But the tender care and wise disposal of the Lord was soset before me, that I was enabled to praise him as I could not have done had not these things occurred. And he made me to know in the end, that he does indeed make a hedge about me, and all concerning me. O, what a treasure do I see in those words " I will be your God, and you shall be my sons and daughters,, saith the Lord Almighty !" April 1. For some days my soul has been keenly tried by an accusation of the enemy, on account of a former transaction in which it was represented I had injured my neighbour. I cried to the Lord to make it plain if it were so, for he knew it would be the very joy of my heart to make amends. Yet I had reason to think it was a snare of Satan, because when my soul was most drawn put in prayer, it came as a fiery dart that I must first inquire into,, and set that matter right, before I could expect a blessing, though it was not possible at that time to do any thing. And so it proved. But it seemed whenever the accusation came, immediately some word of the Lord, or some plain answer, presentsd itself to my mind. During this trial, which was very painful, O what a view I had of my state by nature ! What depths of pride, folly, and all kinds of evil, were apparent from my infancy. I cannot express what I saw and felt ; but I carried it all to the Lord, and every view as it came before me, seemed to have the effect of driving me more to the bosom of my God. April 8. After the trial already mentioned, I have found a stronger faith, and more firm reliance on the Lord Jesus ; and one day reading that passage in Job xxii, which has so often been applied with power to my heart, I felt it more than ever so ; and looking to some of the marginal references in the great Bible, a sweet light shone into my soul. Meditating on that , " Then shall thou have thy delight in the Almighty, shalt lift up thy face unto God," I turned to the refer- s, Job xi, 15, " For then shalt thou lift up thy face without '; yea, thou shalt be steadfast, and shalt not fear ; because u shalt forget thy misery, and remember it as waters that ',8 away. And thine age shall be clearer than the noon day. Thou shalt shine forth, thou shalt be as the morning ; and thou shalt be secure, because there is hope. Yea, thou shalt dig about thee, and thou shalt take thy rest in safety. Also thoo shalt lie down, and none shall make thee afraid. Yea, manjf PART VII.] MRS. FLETCHER. 233 shall make suit unto thee." In how many particulars is this already accomplished ! But that word, "Thine age shall be clearer than noon day," in the margin, shall arise above the noon, was powerfully applied ; which gave me to discern a prospect, that my old age shall be favoured with a far closer communion than my noon was. O my Lord, I see the dawn, but I wait for the Sun of righteousness fully to arise on my soul. April 18. Mrs. Walter's death has beeivmuch blessed to me. Had I such sufferings to go through, O my God ! I could not bring glory to thy cause by patience as she did, unless thou gavest me a fuller change. From the first of her coming to Madeley, I observed in her an earnest upright desire of living to God. As soon as she knew of our private meetings, she inquired into the nature of them, and begged to be admitted as a member ; ever showing by her whole carriage, that the lan- guage of her heart was ; " Number'd with them may I be Here, and in eternity." She had experienced the -pardoning love of God before she came into Shropshire in a very clear manner, and often felt a wish her lot might be cast among some people who walked closer with God than any she had yet seen. And when her husband became curate of this parish, she felt a strong impres- sion that her prayer was about to be answered. She loved her children tenderly, and was exemplary in her care both of them and of her household. She had many conflicts with the evil of her heart, yet often telling me what sweet returns she felt in private prayer : in the practice of which duty she was truly vigilant. She longed for the day when she should find those words verified in her soul, " No anger mayst thou ever find, No pride in my unruffled mind, But love, and heaven-born peace be there." For some weeks, when near the hour of nature's sorrow, she was most sweetly carried on, often declaring she could feel no fear, for the Lord poured in his precious promises, and so filled her with his consolations as to keep her mind in perfect peace ; assured from his own mouth, He would make all her bed in her sickness. On Saturday, March the 4th, she was seized with a violent shivering. Then the enemy came in as a flood, with that thought, That she must die and leave her dear children. This conflict was severe ; but she was enabled as a true daughter of Abraham, to overcome. From this season her will appeared to be entirely lost in that of God. The next day she was deli- vered of a child, which died the same night ; and soon after she proved to be in a strong fever. Her sufferings were great 20* 234 THE LIFE OF [PART VII. and long, as she lived to the twenty-first day after her seizure. But she was a pattern of patience and thankfulness. What adds to both her and our trial was, the inflammation lay so on her lungs, that we could scarce understand any thing she said. But in this trial also she showed no impatience ; and when a blister was brought for her back, (by which she had formerly suffered much,) she looked on it some moments, and said, My dear Saviour gave his back to the smiters, and so will I. She constantly declared the Lord was with her; and one day, when my Sally reminded her of that promise, that " the Lord would make all her bed in her sickness," she answered, " He doth ! He doth !" On the Tuesday she told me with tears of love and praise, how very sweet those words had been to her, i: All thine afflictions my glory shall raise, And the dseper thy sorrows, the louder thy praise !" Twice she had a sweet view of the invisible world, and the attendance of many of the heavenly hosts. Of this she would no doubt have told us much, but we could understand but little of her speech. One time as she was saying, " Hard work, hard work," Mrs. Purton (who was almost constantly with her) said, " What is hard work V She replied, " To leave the dear children. But the Lord says, Leave thy children to me, I will preserve them !" Inquiring one day how she found her mind, her answer was, " I have no will ; it seems all lost in God. If he were to give me my choice, I do not know whether to choose life or death. But if the Lord should raise me, I am determined to live more to God than ever, and above all, to be more faithful in private prayer." The last night Mrs. Yate said, Is your mind as calm as ever? she replied, " Quite so." And is Jesus as preciously present as he hath been all along? Her answer w.as, "More so than ever." On Friday, March 24, 1797, she appeared to be just going about eleven o'clock ; breathing very hard, as she had done some hours. We went to prayer, and found the Lord very present ; after which, as I was looking on her. I repeated, " A convoy attends A ministering hot of invisible friends f Ready wing'd for die flight, To the regions of light, The horses arc come, The chariot of Israel to carry theehome !" And in a few moments her happy spirit left this vale of teare, to mingle with the blaze of day ! She was in her thirty-third year. Her disorder was- such as called for a very uncommon degree of attention and care. And O, how did we see the faith- fulness of God ! Such friends were raised, and such help* given in the hour of need, as made us say in truth, He counts our e*erv hair ! My Sally was enabled to be a great comfort FART VII.] MRS. FLETCHER. 237 to her, and oft did she express it. One day looking earnestr- on me, she said, " I have a deal to tell you, but I cannot speak it." When we meet above, she will perhaps tell me of some glorious views, and divine consolations, wherewith she was favoured, though she could not utter them here. June 8. My faith seems increasing. I have clearer views of the fulness of the Saviour, and of the unbounded privilege of believing. Many have observed, " You have what you believe for, and some have made bad use of that privilege, not understanding what it is truly to believe." But it is still a great truth, " Whatsoever ye ask in prayer, believing, you receive. God speaks of the things that are not, as though they were." So does faith. It sees the blessing of sanctification, and takes hold of the promise, and cries, Through Christ it is mine ! I am not in full possession ; yet, like a man that has an estate left him, he claims it as his own ; and though opposed, struggles to get into the possession, and does not quit his claim, though often repulsed by him who unlawfully pretends to the right. The believing soul says, It is the will of God that I should feel evil no more, that is, I should no more let it in, how- ever tempted. It is his will I should always conquer. My Lord tells me in his word, " This is the victory by which we overcome, even our faith." I must therefore use my weak faith, that it may grow stronger, which it certainly does by use. I must hold fast that strong rock. First, " Jesus hath borne all my sins in his own body on the tree ;" therefore they are atoned for, and the atone- ment is mine by believing. Secondly, " Christ is made unto me of the Father, sanctification." He hath by his one offering perfected the whole work needful for the purification of the heart, and this is mine also by believing. He hath received the Holy Spirit to pour it out on his church, therefore it is mine, as far as I can believe, and so unite my soul by faith to God. Abiding in him, I am so far sanctified ; and by the exer- cise of this hope, the soul is said (by St. John) to purify itself even as God is pure. Not in degree, but in becoming of one nature. The 'light of the candle is fire, as really as the sun. So it may be said, that little flame is as tho sun : both are of one nature. The promise of the baptism of the Spirit is *o me. I claim it. Yea, and my dear Lord hath told me, " Thou shalt walk with me in white. I will thoroughly purge away thy dross, and take away all thy tin." I believe it is his will to do it this moment, but the way he hath appointed is faith ; that is the appointed channel. " By grace are ye saved through faith." Now as far as faith can lay hold, I have it, and no farther. This is " the secret of the Lord, wliich is with those that fear him." They turn to Jesus, and find all in him. It ig impossible to stand one moment in any state, but by union with the Saviour, as the Lord says by Isaiah, " Without me 236 THE LIFE OF [PART V ye shall bow down among the. prisoners." And the Saviour, " Without me ye can do nothing." As I was at prayer this morning my spirit was dissipated, and could not get near to the Lord.* While I waited before him, I felt those words applied, " To be spiritually minded is life and peace." I discerned such a light in the words as I never did before. One of my greatest conflicts has been with idle thoughts about doing that good which is not in my power. I remember an observation greatly blest to me on this head, by a good man now in eternity ; " Thoughts are of two kinds either the reptile or the winged kind. Either they crawl on earth, as the reptile, or rise to heaven as on wings." Thie idea has been often blest to me. But this morning I had such a clear view into the blessing of keeping the mind occupied on spiritual things as encouraged me much. I now feel the power of it; to be spiritually minded is life and peace. November 6. Blessed be the Lord, I feel him at work in my soul. He hath brought me into a narrow path ; and I find his faithful Spirit reproves me many times a day. O the need I feel of watchfulness ! I have prayed many times for a,tender conscience, quick as the apple of an eye, and in a measure I feel it so. But I want so to put on the Lord Jesus, that my God " may look and love his image there." I feel a sweet love to, and rest in, the will of God, even in those things which come nearest to my heart. But there is a close communion an intercourse which I have not : Lord, take away whatever stands between ! An observation of a spiritual writer was last night very profit- able to me. He says, " The soul who would come to the Lord, and be filled with the Holy Ghost, must begin by believing in Christ as Mediator. But he must force himself to that which is good, however his heart may be set against it. He should force himself to take insults and humiliations for the Lord's sake as with joy ; and to exert a liberty in prayer, speaking to the Lord as if he had it. Above all, let him force himself to an assurance of the favour of God :f and shortly the Spirit of God will come upon him, and enable him to do all those things freely, from a pure nature within, which now he does by force. But never let him quit his hope, for th'en sin gains ground. But while a man retains his hope in God, sin dies away." I felt a sweet power all the time of my reading ; and that word, That we should " force ourselves to assurance in God'fe love," was life to my soul. It is always a blessing to me when I resist discouragements to faith. * How little the most edifying reasonings avail when faith is not in exercise. ED. t That is, he should resolutely believe, that the general declarations of good will wade by the Lord to the human race, belong to him. ED. PART VII.] MRS. FLETCHER. 237 December 19. This is the day set apartfor a national thank*. S'ving, on account of the victory gained at sea over our enemies, lessed be the Lord, he hath hitherto preserved us. But clouds yet hang over our heads. Lord, teach our senators wisdom! Blees our good king, and gi'ide him in every thing, that he may take such measures as shall tend to unite the hearts of his subjects ! We have had several deaths lately round about us. Some of them our own people. That blessed woman, Mary Barnard, is one. She died very happy, declaring to the last that the covenant was signed and sealed with the Lord, and she was his by a marriage bond. She set to her seal, that " the Hood of Jesus Christ had cleansed her from all sin." She had known the pure love of God many years. Another was our neighbour W. Weston, who endured a Jong and heavy affliction with much patience. Sally often visited him, it being too far for me. The night before he died, she was with him : on her return she gave me the following account, "My soul did praise the Lord to hear him declare the love of Jesus, saying, * O, he is precious to my soul! ' On my asking him, Hath the Lord often visited you since I was with you last ] He answered, ' Yes, many, many times. God hath heard prayer for me in- deed, and now I long to die.' We seemed to enjoy a little heaven together, while conversing of many of our dear friends now in glory, ready to welcome him there. I reminded him of the observation which my dear master made in one of his letters from abroad, That perhaps he might (if he should not live to return to England,) be permitted to accompany the ministering angels, who should be sent to convey the spirits of his dear parishioners into glory ! He seemed to delight in the thought! I observed, You are going now, and I trust by the grace of God, I shall be enabled to fight my passage through, and then shall we meet on Sion's happy shore, there to praise our dear Lord together. Smiling he answered, ' We shall, we shall.' I read those two hymns, ' Come let us join our friends above, who have obtained the prize,' And, ' How happy every child of grace, who k'nows his sins forgiven.' After con- versing some time, I repeated those lines, For you is prepared the angelic guard, A convoy attends A ministering host of invisible friends! Ready wing'd for their flight To the regions oflight, The horses are cotxe The chariot of Israel to carry you Iiome.' He stretched out both his arms, looking upward, as with eager desire, and cried out, ' O, I am longing for that convoy to come for me !' I took my leave of him, saying, I shall see you no more here ; but it will not be Jong before we meet above. And, I I pray the Lord may be with you in the dark valley, dnd sweetly 238 THE LIFE OF [PART VII. support you with his presence. He caught hold of my hand, and said, ' Farewell ! God bless you for ever, and dear Mrs. Fletcher. Tell her I thank her for all her kindness to me ; but above all, for the prayers she hath offered for me. They have done me much good, more good than my own. May God bless her and bless you both for ever !" Some others also the Lord hath taken to his bosom, and among them, one out of my own little household. Poor dear Martha Clark, who had lived with me eight years, being ill, left me last August, to try if her native air would restore her. One letter I received from her. In it, she said, her mind was in peace, stayed on the Lord. Not long after, she dreamed she had returned, and that on opening our back door, she saw the Lord Jesus all in white! who told her he had brought the chariot for her. In the morn- ing she said to her brother she should die soon, for the chariot of Israel was come for her. And so she did on October the sixteenth, I believe, suddenly. She often repeated that verse of the hymn, " For you is prepared the angelic guard," &c. And frequently would be saying, "When will the chariot come for me?" How solemn is the thought ! My family is partly in paradise and partly on earth. On earth I have none but my dear child Sally ; but above I have many. Blessed be God for that word, " We shall be gathered to our people." Martha Clark was ono who so walked, as truly to " adorn the Gospel." While in my house, I do not know there was ever one thing I wished her to put away, or to do, but she immediately complied therewith. In nothing was she worldly minded, but often was ready to refuse any little addition to her wages, when I saw it right to give it to her. She was in many respects truly a pat- tern of sobriety of mind, and of a quiet spirit. January 4, 1798. At the watch night, held the last evening of the year, I was sensible of a deepening of the conviction which I had for some days felt, of the littleness of my grace. In this spirit I began this new year. I do certainly feel Go'd hath done me got,d in the last ; but I see as I never did, the need of a far deeper work, a faith at all times lively and vigor- ous. I have not such a perfect conquest over my thoughts as I must have to cause a continual sense of the Almighty. I am not always faithful in resisting, if the thought does not appear to be evil. Since the first day of this year, I have found more power to watch : Lord, stand by me ! Some observing to me, they could not find as much profit from my words and prayers, as they did from Sally's, and wondering at it ;* I thought it is no wonder : for I have not such a degree of the Spirit as she has But I will bless thee, O Lord, that I am * They are not to be commended who spoke thus ; nor was Mrs. Fletcher's consequent resolution, though admirable, wholly without danger to the young woman. ED 1-ATIT VII.] MRS. FLETCHER. 239 permitted to make her way ; and will with pleasure do more of the little things of the house, that she may have more leisure to carry thy truth about among souls. She is a faithful follower of the Lamb, and though she has been my orphan to bring up, I now desire to tread in her steps. September 12. Fifty-nine years this day have I seen the light of this world ; but never did I see eternal things more important than at this hour. I am led to live one moment at a time, offering up my whole self to the will of God, to be puri- fied by his divine influence ; to be just what he would have me to be. Lord, get thyself glory on my soul. I had some humbling thoughts concerning my dear husband. How much more comfort I might have yielded him, oft presses hard on my mind. " O, I have much forgiven, let me love much !" Some years ago I was much struck with that observation of Mr. Bridges, " Where God designs to confer a great blessing, he frequently puts a sentence of death on the means that seem to lead thereto ; as in the case of Abraham and Sarah." I am sure it has been so with me in various instances. At twenty-four I had a plentiful fortune, but all seemed lost. Yet God said in my heart, " Thou shalt lend, and not borrow." I was, however, at that time, borrowing of many, my own money being in estates. I feared I should not at last pay all, there- fore, for fear of deception, I spoke freely to several of my losses, and especially to those whose money f had on interest. Many said, " Depend upon it she is not worth ten pounds, for every one makes the best they can of their affairs. " Such a sen- tence of death seemed to come over all my worldly affairs ! And yet, when God's time came, how did all turn about ! Now it may be asked, Why does God take this away ? Mr. Bridges gives a sweet answer, " God gives his blessings in that man- ner which shall most show that he is God." Now had my fortune remained unlessened, as it came from my parents, I should not have so clearly seen the .hand of God. But, like Joseph, we must sometimes be sold into Egypt, in order to have our promises fulfilled, of becoming " the sheaf lifted up." Of late I have feared lest I should look to my plenty more than I ought, and not live by faith. Perhaps to prevent that, the Lord hath taken this thirty pounds in France, and fifty pounds per annum in Switzerland ;* and yet I feel no lack. November 15. Last Monday, the 12th, was a solemn day to me. That day seventeen years, (and on a Monday,) my dear husband and I were made one before men. We were before made one in the Lord. O that my spirit could more partake of what he feels in glory ! I have no doubt that an eternal growth belongs to happy spirits ; and sometimes I think jhe has so long got the start of me, and was so much before me * Lost by the invasion of the French. ED. 240 THE LIFE or [PART vn, even here, that I fear I shall not be in one tribe with him above. Well, I feel the will and order of God is right, let my mansion be where it wiH. If Jesus is glorified, I know I shall delight in that. November 21. What an awful time do we live in ! This Irish rebellion has occasioned the death of thousands. To what distress also are numbers reduced, stripped of all they have, their houses burnt, and themselves forced to flee for their lives ! But many of our people have been remarkably pre- served. I have not yet heard of one of them who have not escaped, though often as by miracle* When I look on these things, I think, How different is my situation ! am I lost iu wonder, love, and praise ! O my God, here I sit under my own vine and fig tree, filled with every good thing ! Plenty of money for all I want, and some to spare. I say, when I look at these things, I am astonished at the tender mercy of God ! and encouraged to believe, that he who thus graciously deals with my poor dying body, will answer every prayer for my soul. Last night I seemed, almost the whole of it, to hear, and repeat with sweet power, these words, " Still O my soul prolong The never-ceasing song Christ my hope, my joy, my theme ; His be all my happy days ! Bow my every power to him, Every thought be spent in praise ! When I awoke I could not say it, I could not even begin! But no sooner did I drop asleep again, than it flowed as it were out of my heart and lips ! January 15, 1799. I have found the beginning of this year a very solemn season. O, that I may feel in the course of it, what I have never before felt ! On Christmas eve, the Scrip- tures which I read in the meeting were the first and second chapters of Luke ; and it seemed to many of us, as if we were with Zaclmrias in the temple, with Mary, when the angel Ga- briel came to her, with the shepherds in the field, and, above all, with the little company in the stable in Bethlehem, hearing the shepherds relate their vision, and Joseph and Mary con- firming their faith, by a relation of all the wonderful things they had seen and heard ! Our hearts exulted also with Simeon and Anna in the temple ;* and my soul was led to cry aloud, * A genuine instance of true faith in ordinary life and duty. Faith, says St. Paul, is the evidence of things not sten ; that is, of the unseen things which God hath revealed, and of which the Holy Scriptures are the record. These thingt (events, discoveries, declarations, promises, threateniugs,) are cither past, fu- ture, or spiritual, and, therefore, not the objects of sight. This evidence, (&\ty%cs) gives to these unseen things of God, a present subsistence. Hence this/oi'M is said to be mighty through God, to work by lore, to purify the heart, and to overcome the uorld. As this erJdence is more or less clear and constant, o is the victory, and so is the consequent holiness ; the righteousness, peace, and joy. Lord, increase our faith ! ED. TART VII.] MRS. FLETCHER. 2 4 j that all who waited for salvation in Madeley should behold mv Saviour ! I was able to go out on Christmas day, but I was ill the rest of the week. On the first day of this year, in the evening, we had a full meeting, and the Lord was with us. We then con- sidered a few questions which had been brought to my mind for that purpose. First, Has this last year been a year of prayer ? Have my prayers been serious, fervent, and recollected 1 Or have I drawn near to God with my lips, while my heart was far from him ? Secondly, Have I watched my thoughts, and been much in holy ejaculations ? Thirdly, Have I been thankful for mercies received, and attentive to observe deliverances and answers to prayer] remembering that word, "He that offereth me praise, he honoureth me." Fourthly, Do I feel a deep sense of sin ? Do I loath my sinful self, and cry often, Lord, " cleanse me from my secret faults V Fifthly, Am I deeply conscious that the root of all sin is, in having lost God, and found self in his place 1 And do I continually see holiness to consist in the being sunk into my own nothingness, that God alone may be exalted in my soul ? Sixthly, Does my faith increase 1 Do I come more freely to a crucified Saviour, seeking all my salva- tion in, and through him alone 1 Seventhly, Do I keep hold of every promise given me, as I would of a purse of gold, knowing it will be good another day? Do I so look for the fulfilling of those given me long since, pleading that prayer, " Lord accomplish the word on which thou hast made me to hope." As to my outward walk. Have I watched over my tongue ? David says in psalm the 39th, " I will take heed to my ways, that I offend not with my tongue. I will keep my mouth as with a bridle, while the wicked are in my sight." You who work among the ungodly, do 'you do so ? Those words of St. James are very important, " My brethren, be ye swift to hear, and slow to speak." And in the third chapter, he calls the tongue " a world of iniquity, set on fire of hell, and setting on fire the whole course of nature." Secondly, Have I watched over my appetites 1 Has my table been that of a Christian, or that of a beast ] A beast only seeks to feed ; but a Christian should make his table an act of devotion. " Whether ye eat or drink," says St. Paul, " or whatsoever ye do, do all in the name, and to the glory of God." Now this may be done in three ways. First, Some little act of self-denial should accom- pany each meal, as a check to intemperance. Ask yourself after each meal, In what have I denied myself this time] Secondly, Your table should be a time of godly conversation, if with others : of meditation if alone. Thirdly, These bless- ings should raise your heart to thankful gladness, and increase your faith in that Providence, who, by thus providing for your 21 242 THE LIFE OF [PART VII,' body, gives you a proof how much more he will provide for your immortal soul. To help you thus to spiritualize your meals, use much attention and fervour in asking a blessing and returning thanks. With regard to my neighbour. Do I strive to be ftiithful and diligent in my station ? Obedient to superiors 1 careful of, and tender to, my inferiors ? Secondly, Do I pray and strive to love my neighbour as myself? Do I forgive as I hope to be forgiven "? Do I do all I can for the souls and bodies of those about me ? If I hear of the death of any neighbour, do I ask myself, Have I ever had an opportunity of warning that soul which I have neglected 1 Will that soul have a just accusation against me at the last day ] Again, let us cast a look on those who are, from among ourselves in this last year, laid up in the garner of God. Have we honoured and served these saints of God ? What a blessed opportunity we have in this of serving the Lord Jesus ! For if he takes as to himself, all we do for his little ones at any time, how much more in their sickness and death ? " For right dear in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints." I never hear of the death of a child of God, but I ask myself that question, Have I done all I could for that person in every way ] Jesus saith, " Make to yourself friends of the mammon of unrighteousness, that when you fail on earth, they may receive you into everlasting habitations." How many do you think are thus waiting to receive you above ? Let us this night awake to diligence. Let us be more earnest in seeking, and we shall be more enriched in finding. Good Mr. Frazer* observes, " Ever since I can remember, proportionable to my diligence in seeking was my finding : nor made I ever any extra aim at God, but I got something extra. Also, says he, I learn that a Christian's assurance, or faith, though it do not at first flow from holiness, yet it is, in its progress, ever in proportion to his holy walk with God." This is a great truth, for " the mystery of the faith" must be kept "in a pure conscience." February 7. How many have been called away lately! Three precious souls, three nights running, have I seen brought to the church yard ! The first was brother Brook, one of my dear Mr. Fletcher's first children. He has been a steady walker, but not clearly awakened to the work of sanctification till a few years ago. He dreamed that he heard a voice say to him, John, are you ready to die ? He could not remember what he answered, but the purport was, that he hoped so. Next day he was rather uneasy, and wished to have the dream again, that he might answer better. Some time after, he thought in his sleep he heard the voice again. Then he said, Lord, am I ready ? On which such a discovery of the evil of his nature was laid open to him, that he cried out, Ah ! Lord 4 * A very pious minister of the Church of Scotland. ED. ?ART VII.] MRS. FLETCHER. 243 f have all to do ! I have to begin ! From that time he felt a strong desire to be a new creature in the full sense of the word ; and began to strive " to take the kingdom by force." But still he did not see clearly the way of faith. One night he dreamed my dear husband came to him, and pointing to a wall, .said, John, you must get up above the top of that wall. He replied, Sir, I cannot, it is impossible. Mr. Fletcher answered, Yes, John, you must, or you will perish. He immediately lifted up his heart to the Lord, and began gently to rise, till he was even with the top of the wall, on which he laid his hand to lean, when instantly he dropped down to the bottom, and awoke. This much discouraged him. But a second time he dreamed the same dream, and leaned as before, when he again dropped down. He had many thoughts about these dreams, what they could mean. After some time he again dreamed that Mr. Fletcher came to him, and as before, bid him rise above that wall, adding,. The reason, John, why you fell the other times, was because you leaned on the wall. If you but touch it, you spoil all. Then he again lifted up his heart in faith as before, and gently rising till he was above the wall, he found himself in a most beautiful place, and his soul in a profound peace. From this dream he saw it was by "looking unto Jesus," that he was to " enter that rest which remains for the people of God." During a very long and painful illness, he has been kept in a sweet calm peace. In the beginning he was much tempted, but his confidence remained firm. In the latter end it was much increased. He said, a few minutes before his death, to a neighbour, " O, Tommy, this calls for much faith and patience ;" but added, That his confidence was unshaken. He then cried, " Come, Lord Jesus !" and entered his ever- lasting rest. The next night poor sister Smith was buried. She appeared to me more than commonly stirred up the last two or three times I met her in class. In her illness, which lasted a month, she was continually crying out for a clean heart ; lamenting the unbelief she felt, which, said she, is as a wall. O that this wall of unbelief were removed, that I might have a clear evi- dence ! O that the heart of stone were taken away ! One night, about a week before she died, she called hastily to her son, telling him, the Lord had taken away the heart of stone, and filled her mouth with praise. She continued in peace, though in much pain, till her spirit returned to God. The following night a man was buried, who had been a sufferer for some years, but in that time brought home to God. February 14. My mind is sorrowful. It seems as if the Lord was about to take my Sally from me. She grows worse and worse ; her legs swell much, her strength fails, and all means used appear unsuccessful. I have been so supported, 244 THE LIFE OP [PART Vlf. as I could not have expected ; not with great joy, but a deter- mined resignation, a clinging to the will of God, be the event what it may. She has been as the tenderest of daughters to me ; a spiritual friend both to soul and body ; a most useful housekeeper, and the best of nurses : in short, the staff of my old age. If I lose her, I shall be stripped of all that makes my lite comfortable. We keep a kind of inn for the Lord's people ; and 1 am so infirm I cannot supply her place in care and man- agement. In the work of God she is also admirably useful, and together we get through a good deal. But left alone, what a poor creature shall I be, to go through all these fatigues ? But I will encourage myself in the Lord. We shall not be parted. She goes a little before, and I shall follow after. March 9. I have still a season of trial, but not without profit. My dear Sally is yet ill, apparently going into a consumption. I must now, as Abraham, lay the whole of my earthly comforts on the altar ! But I cling to the will of God. Christ left all for me. O my Lord, enable me to glorify thee in the fire ,' This morning I was blest in those words, "Casting all your care on him, for he careth for you." March 19. This was our quarter day. I found in the morn- ing a particular faith, in devoting myself to the Lord, that his whole will might be accomplished in me, and by me, that day ; and I saw the immediate guidance of his hand in each particu- lar. I felt thankful, that our application to Mr. Young had apparently been blest, and my dear friend was better, and ena- bled to assist me through the hurry of the day. We went to bed in peace, though fatigued. But in the night she spit blood again. This circumstance seems to take away, humanly speak- ing, all hope of her recovery. The discharge continued, though lessening all the next day and night. Blessed be God, I felt power to go through all that I was called to in the Lord's work, and to cling fast to his will by resignation. March 25. Sally is very poorly. The bleeding continues, though the discharge is small. Yesterday morning, Easter Sunday, I felt power to throw myself on the Lord, and was helped through the duties of the day. I asked her how she felt her mind when she began to spit the blood 1 She replied, she felt no fear of death, but a firm confidence that the Lord would finish his work if he took her directly. At the same time she felt tenderly for me. She added, " On Thursday, being in great pain, I dropped into a doze, and thought I heard the voice of my dear master, saying, as if he stood by me, ' The sufferings of the present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed.' " It was a refreshment to me to have, as it were, a message from heaven in this time of trouble. As I sat in my pew at church, I thought, I must now go to the table alone. Once I had my dear husband there, and PART VII.] MRS. FLETCHER. 245 my child at my side. Now, as Naomi, I must say, I went mil full, but return empty. As I knelt at the table, it seemed as if her spirit was one with mine. On my return to the pew, as I was pleading in prayer that the Lord would order all, it came to me, " Leave to his sovereign sway To choose and to command ; So shalt tliou, wond'ring, own his way, How wise, how good his hand." I said, Lord, look upon us ! It was answered, The hairs of your head are all numbered. I then said, My dear Saviour, our concerns are regarded in the court above ; I freely leave them there ! It came with power, And the care of them is with the Most High. That so melted my heart, I could not help bursting into tears. But they were tears of gratitude. The Lord did not seem to tell me what he would do with me ; but patience must have its perfect work. May 8. Many mercies and many trials have I passed through since I wrote last. My dear Sally is yet very poorly, and I feel myself called to stand on my watch tower, that I may gain all the good designed me in this trial. I desire to be in the posture of Abraham when he was going to Mount Moriah. What will be the end I know not, but it has been a time of much pain. May 30. The Lord hath in great mercy heard prayer in many respects of late. I know not where to begin to recount his goodness. My dear Sally is much better, and seems to gather strength beyond expectation. On Sunday night last I was led to make a fresh dedication of my all to God ; and he showed me I was to confide alone in him. I fear much for my dear friend, but I am not called to hinder her in any thing, but commit all to the Lord, for I have given up all into his hand. June 28. Blessed be God, I do feel an increase of union, and a recollected posture of mind. Reading that line to-day in one of Mr. Wesley's letters, "Entire resignation implies entire love. Give him your will, and you give him your heart," I felt a spring of satisfaction arise in my mind. I am sure I do feel an increasing resignation, and that not in theory, but in practice. My most near and tender feelings have been touched of late. I live under those trials at this time, not only in the continued illness of my dear Sally, who still seems consumptive, but other circumstances beside. I can feelingly say, " The Lord liveth, and blessed be my Rock, and exalted be the God of my salvation." There appears to be one design in all the Lord's dispensations toward us, viz. the bringing us to lose our wills perfectly in his adorable will ; and I find nothing so help- ful as to be quite still in his hand. Committing all to the Lord, however difficult things may appear, I am to stand still, and the Lord makes a way through in his* own time, and often the trial 21* 246 THE LIFE OF [PART VII. is only a shadow. Like Abraham, we all are called to offer our Isaac, and then the cross is removed. We have had peculiar expenses of late, and my gracious Father hath provided for that. A few days since, I received a letter from my eldest brother's wife, in which she sent me a present of twenty pounds. Lord, didst thou not tell me, I will bless them that bless thee ? Let this kindness be so returned, O Lord, in spiritual and tem- poral blessings ! July 20. Lord, thou art good ! I feel thine arm does support me. O teach me the "way of faith more perfectly !" My dear child grows worse.. She coughs almost continually. I feel it as a knife in my heart. She is my earthly all; and in the whole universe, there is but one thing I love more than her, that is, "The will of my God." To that I do, I must, I will refer every thing ! August 6. Having been called to take a little journey of thirty miles, I have found it a good deal disorder my body, as, of late years, travelling always does : and with the continued illness of my dear friend, I have little time for writing, except the letters I have to answer. But, blessed be the Lord ! I have been carried through all my weekly meetings, with a peculiar sense of the presence of God. Last Tuesday, in our interces- sion, we laid her case again before the Lord, with much freedom, and I think she has been better since. We are called to hang on Jesus, and cleave to his will. My dear child is kept in much peace, and she prays that the trial may answer all that the Lord intends before it is removed. Lord, I add my prayers to hers ; so let it be ! I shall certainly feel her loss severely. With her I can consult about every circumstance. To her I can tell every temptation ; and her watchful attention over each infirm- ity of my body is uncommon. Her skill in managing all the affairs of my family is very great ; she takes off all burdens from me, and leaves me wholly free. Her help in the work of God also is unspeakable. She assists me in memory, in speaking to the people, in judging concerning them, in reprov- ing and exhorting ; and I do nothing in the church affairs but with her counsel. In her own meetings, a few of which she still will keep up, her word is clothed with power ; and many, very many, are weeping through fear of her loss. I feel the Lord requires me to keep looking to him alone, and living only the present hour, with a continual Abraham-like spirit, holding my sacrifice before the Lord, to whom my more than all is due. August 14. I have been renewing my covenant with the Lord this day, to abandon all my whole cause, both of soul and body, into his hand ! and to offer afresh to follow the Lamb whithersoever he goeth. Fourteen years of widowhood I have this day completed. And now it seems as if my last, my only remaining friend and comfort, was called for ! And I have been PART VII.] MRS. FLETCHER. 247 pleading with the Lord that I may cling to his dear will. Yes- terday morning I had a sweet refreshing gale from Sion's top, and such confidence I felt in the all-sufficiency of the Saviour, that I could lean all my weight -of care on the Lord, and saw his arm was under both my friend and me. It lifted off my care, and healed my suffering mind. This morning I have strove to humble myself before the Lord, and to inquire whether I may ask the healing of my child ! It seemed as if I was led to stand still ; for though no trial of the kind could be so near my heart, yet I feel my dearest concern is the glory of God. And therefore I can only say, Thy will be done ! But if the cup may pass from me ! Lord, let silence plead my cause ! I will not ask any thing, but such a gracious conduct toward us, as will bring most glory to thee, and for which we shall most praise thee in eternity. August 30. This has been a day of searching into my heart. I see there is great need of the Lord to lay to his hand. I want a deliverance I do not yet feel. The Spirit of God is a spirit of illumination. That I in a low degree feel. I have a light which increases in reading the Scriptures; and some fresh views of the amazing glory of redemption are given to me. Secondly, The Spirit of God is a spirit of "prayer, of groans unutterable." A little of this I feel, but out of seven times a day in prayer, often I have not what I call the spirit of prayer, above three or four times. Thirdly, The Spirit of God is a spirit of humiliation. Surely I may say I have this mark ; but I do not love humiliation, at least till I have had time to reflect. I do not run to embrace it,* nor pick it up as I would a jewel. Fourthly, The Spirit of God is a spirit of sanctification, puri- fying the heart. I do feel it is working that in me. Yet I am not free from reptile thoughts, those which crawl on the earth. They do not, it is true, carry the stamp of sin upon them, yet they hinder prayer. Fifthly, The Spirit of God is the spirit of love. What shall I say to this ? My love to God does increase : I can say, O God ! my chief joy ! but I can very seldom say, O God ! my exceeding joy ! My love seems faint and dim, and that to my neighbour keeps pace with it. I deny myself for their sake, but that is nothing. The pleasure I feel in helping the distressed, is greater than that which I deny myself in. Indeed, if I did not do so, I should know " the love of the Father was not in me." But I cannot rest till I feel a greater measure of that love which brought my Saviour from heaven to earth, to take on him the iniquity of us all. O Jesus, let that mind be in me that was in thee ! I ask it in thy name ! * Is not this too strong 1 Ought we to run to meet that which must be sin to others 1 We must indeed be conformed to the Sun of God ; and we should bear his reproach, not only with patience, but with joy. In a mind so devoted as Mrs. Fletcher's, the meaning must be good, but there may be some danger to others in this strong way of expressing it ED. , 248 THE LIFE OF [PART VII. September 12. I am this day threescore. My dear husband would have been seventy. But he has had fourteen years in glory. Lord, prepare me for all prepared for me ! O let me live my last days to thy glory as I have never done ! Yesterday the Lord gave me that word, " When thou goest through the waters, they shall not overflow thee." I asked if I might pray for my dearest comfort to be spared. That text seemed an answer ; " Be careful for nothing, but in every thing, by prayer and supplication, make your requests known unto God." For some days her cough has been more strong, and more frequent. I feel the will of God my sure defence. If he please, he can yet raise my dear friend ; but if he have otherwise determined, It is the Lord. He cannot err : I will not choose. October 7. We have had the comfort to hear of the happy death of Miss Styche. She told me the conviction she got while at Mrs. Micklewright's school, abode with her for some time. But, said she, afterward when I got into the world, all you had said seemed wiped away. Then the Lord laid his hand on me by this illness. A blessed illness it has been to me, for it hatn brought me to seek him. But now I fear he will never receive, nor forgive me. When we 'told her of the great atonement and perfect righteousness of the Saviour, she seemed as if she would swallow every word. She then said, When Mr. Walter visits me I often feel comforted ; but I can- not retain it ; and I feel my heart full of sin. At this time she was torn with evil tempers, unable to live, and afraid to die. Suffering much, and having no comfort ; so that nothing seemed to please or satisfy her. Yet she struggled hard to obtain not only consolation, but the mind that was in Christ. One day as a few of us were at prayer with her, she received such a lift of faith as delivered her from all her bonds. From that hour all about her were amazed at the change. She was all the lamb, and the dove ! The new creature shone clear indeed. When my Sally was saying, Shortly you will come to the blessed moment, when, "ready winged for the flight," you shall see the chariot of Israel come for you, her eyes sparkled with delight, and she said, " I am so happy as I cannot express. Sometimes I have fiery darts ; but I look to Jesus, and he turns them away. He is always with me." She continued thus to the last. A few hours before she died, she seemed to have much of the presence of God, repeating with great delight, " Ready wing'd, ready wing'd !" She then begged her young sister to turn to God, saying, " You must cleave to those who have done me so much good. Y'ou see how I am, and I would not be otherwise ; I would not live for a thousand worlds. I have such a prospect so clear into eternity. Jesus hath saved me! He hath washed me from my sins his own blood He hath put on me the white robe, and I see my way clear PART VII.] MRS. FLETCHER. 249 cleave to the people that have been so blessed to me." Soon after she said, Molly, Molly, look ! do not you see these sweet creatures?" Her sister replied, " No, I do not." To which Miss Styche said, " But I do, they are come for me." Molly asked, What are they like ? She replied, " They are glorified spirits ! they are virgins they are come for me ! Yes; they are come for me !" And immediately, ;l She clapt the glad wing, and tower'd away, TV) mingle with the blaze of day !" She died October the 4th, in her twenty-first year. November 12. Many solemn thoughts, yet, such as have led to God, have occupied my mind to-day. When I look back eighteen years, it gives me pleasure to recollect, that my dear love and I agreed, that we would not limit our union by that word, " Till death us doth part," but that we would consider our covenant as eternal. Not that we meant to tie each other from a future marriage ; but that our union of soul was never to be broken. Often when we have been speaking together of this, he would say, " Well, Polly, then our spiritual, as well as our temporal mercies, are mutual." From this recollection, 1 was led to consider that text, " He hath made us meet to partake of the inheritance of the saints in light," and felt a power to pray as I have often done, that I might be permitted to share in his joy, now inherited before the throne. At night, in the society, my faith was somewhat increased. December 23. T am a woman of a sorrowful spirit. My dear child grows worse : well, I will cling to that rock, Thy will be done ! This shall be my momentary employ the remainder of my life. Not one on earth to whom I can con- verse of the past trials through which she hath walked with me ! Well, my Lord, thou knowest my solitary situation. The pain she suffers from that dreadful cough, and a compli- cation of complaints, would constrain, I think, any besides herself to keep their bed. But while there is a grain of strength given to her, she will use it, both in the work of God, and in the care of our affairs. I will hang upon that word, " I will bring the blind by a way they know not : I will lead them in paths which they have not known. I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do for them, and not forsake them." January 20, 1800. This morning as I was laying before the Lord the sufferings of my dear child, I thought, if the hairs of our head are-numbered, then I am sure each time she has that cough, so hard, so violent, it is noticed by the Lord. I felt that it was ; and asked, with submission, that it might be removed, or that he would graciously show that it was sent in love. After awhile, these words were sweetly impressed on my mind, " The light affliction which is but for a moment shall work out 250 THE LIFE OF [PART VI!- for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory." I felt that word, far more exceeding, so that I answered, Well, my blessed Lord, I will hold to my old word, God shall choose our inheritance for us. Give me, O Lord, to find my all in thee ! Last night, in the society, those words were impressed on my mind, Seek first the kingdom of God, and all things else shall be added unto you. March 17. Yesterday Mary Wyke entered glory, in the nineteenth year of her age. She is a remarkable answer to prayer. In the beginning of her illness she was very careless and hard ; but after much suffering, she was brought to know herself, and to seek the Lord. He was pleased to manifest his love to her in some degree, but still she had a great hankering after life ; and at times she was much troubled with unholy tempers, which she sorely lamented. A few months ago her body being brought to the state of a Lazarus, she was consi- dering whether there was any likelihood of recovery, when those words were powerfully applied to her heart, " Thou shalt die and not live." This, she told me, she knew to be the voice of God; and felt all her will for life immediately taken away. From that day a mighty change appeared upon her. She has had much of the presence of the Lord, and been kept in a sweet, calm, loving state, ripening for glory declaring she was will- ing to suffer as long as the Lord should please, for she knew her pains were working out a "farther weight of glory." Sometimes she was triumphantly happy ; at other times, she could only lie and groan in agony ; but even then she would say, if asked, " I am happy ; and I have no will." A fortnight before her death she dreamed her grandmother, who died here in the Lord a few years ago, came to her, and a person whom she did not know came with her. That person said, " Mary, hold faith and patience a little longer, and you shall be with us." The night before she died she was very happy. Ten minutes before she departed, her mother said,. Are you happv. my dear! She, with difficulty, answered, " Yes," and soo'n ceased breathing. Eternity is very near ! O, for a swifter progress in our souls ! March 31. This has been a day of recollection, and of groaning after a fuller manifestation of the Lord's power. It is a time of trial. -My dear child, what does she suffer ! Yet how patient and passive in the hand of God ! I seem left to suffer ; yet I am wonderfully supported too. Wei], comfort is not that which I most desire. I feel my strongest desire is, that the nature of God may be more powerfully stamped on my soul. May 21. The Lord does not suffer my sorrowful attention to hinder his work. Last Sunday, I was at the Wood. Never, I think, did I feel more freedom. O my God ! work for the PART VH.] MRS. FLETCHER. 251 glory of thy name on this people ! I feel their soula very near to me. The Lord is with us in trouble, and my dear Sally is kept in a calm, quiet frame. Through all she suffers, she saye, she has such a sense how safe she is in the hand of God, that his time either for ease or death, is the best time. August 1. My dear friend is yet no belter. Last night was a painful one. that this trial may have its due effect on us both ! I long for full conformity to all the will of God. I see every grace increases by use. I am called to exercise faith, and as faith gathers strength, I know every other grace will keep pace with it. I have had much temptation since I wrote last; but how tan faith be in full exercise if we see all clearly? September 24. Lord, thine eyes are upon us-! We see and feel thy help in the midst of our trials. I have little time to write, my dear child being now so very bad ; but I am led to live on that word, " Thy will be done." It is a day of clouds, and at times of thick darkness. All my help seems to be in clinging to the will of God. One sentence Miss Ritchie (now Mrs. Mortimer) read in sister Johnson's letter from Bristol, was blest to me. She says " When we look at Jesus by faith, Satan loses his power, and if I may so speak, his place, which is the reasoning faculty."* January 1, 1801. What have I seen, and felt since last I wrote ! On December 3d, my dearest child and friend went triumphantly to glory ! I was helped to write an account of her devoted life and happy death, and read it to the society, while her precious corpse was in the house. I have now scarce strength to look it over. How does the Lord help us in the needful hour! In the ordering of her funeral, and various things which fell on me alone, I have been brought through, and proved her dying words, "He will put his .everlasting arms underneath you." He doth, and I am borne up. But O, what a loss do I sustain ! God only knows what she was to me, and himself alone can fill the aching void ! What adds to the weight is, I have not that communion with God I long for. I * An undue dependence on the reasoning faculty, is indeed Satan's strong hold, and Irighest delusion. Any repulse to this temptation, he will suggest, must amount to a renunciation of that noble gift of God ! It is thus " the strong one, armed" with the pride, self-will, prejudice, and worldly spirit of the sinner, (which he will call his reason,) " keepeth his house, and his goods are in peace." In this state our Lord found the fallen Jewish nation ; and in this state Luther (not to mention other reformers) found the fallen Christian church. Almost :n this state (but with a pure doctrine in the established creeds, and liturgy,) did Mr. Wesley find this favoured kingdom. In this state also does the " Spir it of Christ' find every natural man, however learned or wise. But who will sink under that sentence of death which the Holy Spirit pronounces, John xvi, 8-1 1, against all this deceivableness of unrighteousness 1 Only the man who submi have faith placed on the throne usurped by the "reasoning faculty." any man know " the salvation that is through faith," but the man who res juaintains that divine allegiance ; who steadily walks by the same rule, ana minds the same things. ED. 252 THE LIFE OF [PART VII , am amazed at the resignation which I feel. Yes, I do, I will adore him, for taking awuy my all from me.* I fear I hung too much on her. I did nothing without her counsel, and truly I was dearer to her than herself. To the last she felt in the most tender manner for me, and often said, " If the Lord saw good, how gladly would I drink this bitter cup instead of you ! and close your eyes instead of you closing mine. But the will of God is all to us ; in that we are agreed we live in ' Thy will he done.' " I do not know indeed the heart of a stranger; and I do trust the Lord is about to make me " his own habita- tion through the indwelling Spirit." Now and then, for a moment, I have such a display of God, as I know and feel would turn my gloomy night into a bright day. But it is but for a moment, and then seems to shut up again. I must remember my dear Sally's words, "We are both waiting for the Lord;" and " it is good to hope, and quietly to wait for the salvation of God." I begin this year as a hermit: ah! that I may end it as a saint. Come, Lord Jesus, and fulfil all thy gracious pro- mises to my waiting soul ! I sometimes feel her as being present with me. We had all things in common here, and I trust I shall partake of her hea- venly inheritance. Thinking of that one night when I was very sad, in a moment all.the gloom went off, and such a sweetness came over my soul as seemed to wipe away all grief. I drop- ped asleep, and these words sounded in my ears all night, " They driak the deifying stream, And pluck th' ambrosial fruit" March 11. What cause I have to bless the Lord ! How often have I feared, if I lost my dear friend, I should not be able to glorify God, that I should have no spirit to go through any thing. But it is not so. I never felt more light and liberty in speaking to the people than I do now ; and though very trying circumstances have occurred in the work of God, as well as in my family affairs, yet I have been carried through all in a man- ner that amazes me. How faithful is the Lord ! June 5. I continue to feel my loss severely ; yet I also feel I love and adore the will of God. Yea, and I admire it. What wisdom and love do I see in all this cutting dispensation ! I cleaved too much to that precious gift, which was lent to me in order to raise my soul to God. One night I dreamed I saw her standing before me. I cried out, O my dear love, are you come ? I have waited for this. She expressed the tenderest regard, but without words, and it left a sweet ^ensation on my mind. Another time I dreamedf I was involved in great trials, * T&is was beyond the highest sensible consolation. ED. t In this way of divine direction and encouragement the Lord acts as a Sove- reign, and gives as he sees good. To this the Holy Scripture bears full testi- mony. Mrs. Fletcher was often thus favoured Bat how mercifully wa she PARTVH.] MRS. FLETCHER. 253 and thought, O, if my Sally had been now with me, all would nave been nothing. Immediately I saw her just by me ! and she gave me to know, she was nearer than I thought. I know our friends are not really divided from us ; they are only become invisible. Perhaps if we saw the spirits of our dear companions at sucn seasons, we mfght be much tempted to put our trust in them. A veil is therefore drawn between; and all for our eternal good. But the Scripture declares, "We are come to the spirits of just men made perfect;" but this is far more plain to their eyes than to ours, which are as yet under the veil. Lord, give me to rely on thyself alone ! July 14. I had this morning a comfortable season while meeting the class. Those words of Fenelon were much on my mind, "I will, with John, lean on his breast, and feed on love, by joining my heart to his." Sometimes, while speaking on faith, such a sweetness overspreads my soul, as if I had run into the bosom of my Lord. I see, at those times, such an all- sufficiency in the Saviour, and such a vastness in that thought, "We have boldness and access through him," and again, ' He hath borne all our sins in his own body on the tree," that it seemed I had only to run to the Saviour every moment, as a child to its fond parent ! Lord, open the way of faith more and more to my waiting soul ! August 15. Yesterday was a solemn day to me. Sixteen years are passed siace my eyes beheld the awful scene of my dear husband's entrance "into glory. O what have I passed through since that time! Could I'then have known that my precious friend would have been taken also, how it would have aggravated the bitter cup! But blessed be God that all the future is hid in his will. There I find a solid rest. It is now a little more than seven months since I lost her, and I have been, and am enabled to say, Jesus hath done all things well. I feel my soul more on stretch after God, and my old promises seem to revive afresh, as if drawing near to the time of accom- plishment. That promise in particular, Thou shalt walk with me in white. August 20. I awoke this morning with strong desire and prayer, that every thought might this day be the Lord's. O, why is there any distance ! Come, my beloved, and take the full possession of every power ! My soul is grieved that I have not more ardour in speaking for God : though, blessed be his name, I have found him graciously with me at times in the meetings. But I do not catch every occasion as my dear SaLiy did. The other day a man came to sell something we wanted. Being engaged in writing I sent one of the family to take it preserved from placing any undue dependence on theee favours ! The word of Gad was the guide to which she referred every thing, and by which she "tried the spirits whether they were of God." E0. 22 264 THE LIFE OP fPARTTIJ, for me. After he was gone, she told me the man had said, he had two children sick of the small pox, and had never had it himself. I asked earnestly, And did you not talk to him about his soul ? She answered, No. O, what did I feel ! Had I gone down myself how much better should I have been em- ployed ! Lord's day, August 23. In the meeting this morning I found tiie Lord present ; and I had also a little opportunity of helping his people. O what a favour ! I, who once expected to be left without the necessaries of life for myself, have now such frequent opportunities of helping the poor! Lord, thou art food to me beyond expression ! This evening I spent two ours in retirement, and found it the best of all the day. God gave me a praying spirit. But it was also a time of deep humi- liation. Such a crowd of words and acts, foolish and sinfui, which were spoken or committed forty or fifty years ago, pressed into my mind like so many barbed arrows. I see in myself, from a child, a depth of the fall beyond, I think, any other. But this evening, though I felt deeply sorrowful, and ready to iie down under the feet of all, I found it mixed with encouraging hope. These words bore much on my mind, '' I shall soon obtain the grace, 4fe Pare in heart to see thy face." August 28^-This morning I awoke after a restless night, with a-strong desire to live to God. In prayer I found some encouragement. In visiting some pick also 1 felt the presence of God. J. B. seemed to be very comfortable under his afflic- tion, and much led to look to Jesus through all ; for, said he, " What a delight it is to rejoice in God, though in anguish and pain ! Why it is all from him ! all from him ! that is my com- fort." I see more and more, souls grow best in the furnace. It is our "proper soil while here ; to enjoy is by and by. October 17. Lord, perform thy word, on "which thou hast mace me to trust ! That saying of our Lord, in Mark xi, con- cerning the fig tree, was much laid on my heart : " If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall say to this mountain, depart!" and "whatsoever things ye ask in prayer, believe that ye receive, and ye shall have them." That is, believe that it becomes yours as sure as ye ask ; yea, at that time the grace ye ask for is as it were held out to you ; and you may say, I have asked a clean heart, a stayed mind, a baptism of the Spirit. Well, they are mine ; I shall enjoy them. They are given as an estate left to me : but I now want to enter into the possession. My Jesus is preparing my heart for his own abode. He will enter, and with him all his fulness, to fill up every aching void. August 14, 1802. I have not written much the beginning of this year, except what concerned the death of dear Mrs. Yate.* * See page 276. PART VII.] MRS. FLETCHER. 255 She has long walked in the ways of God, and often enjoyed sweet and close communion with him. When very young she received a letter which treated on the different states of the inward and outward court worshippers.* She threw the letter i the table, and clasping her hands together, she feU on her knees, and cried to the Lord with a strong and vehement cry, that she might become one of those who should worship him m spirit and in truth. Her prayer was answered, and she oecame truly devoted to a crucified Saviour. The souls of her children lay very near her heart, and she spared no pains to bring them to the knowledge of God. In the cause of God she was deeply engaged, and to the utmost of her strength, visiting the sick, and inviting sinners to the Lord. She was led in the way of the cross, and being weak in body, she was much ex- posed to temptation. In her last illness, she was frequently buffeted by the enemy of her soul ; at other times she was much comforted. Her most painful temptation was, that the Lord would forsake her in the last conflict. After enduring this for some time, she told me of some promises which had been applied to her mind ; above all that word, " There is no con- demnation to them that are in Christ Jesus." Yet these glooms, as she called them, appeared dreadful to her. While we were conversing, the spirit of faith came over us botMljjie light dis- pelled all darkness, an|l' in speaking and prayerythere was a power quite uncommon. She said, " I think you never had such a time in this Chouse before ;" and indeed it was true. From that hour she expressed herself as quite in peace, ever after saying, " iTmve nothing to trouble me now." One day she said, " When I look on my limbs worn to a skeleton, it is with pleasure; for I know I shall go to God." At another time she observed, " These words are much with me, ' Beloved, think it n'ot strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you.' I leave myself in His hand, and all is peace.'' On the 21st of January, I was conversing with her, and ex- horting her to live the present moment as if she was sure to die the next. A clear light seemed to shine powerfully on my mind, as I was speaking; she entered into it and was refreshed. As soon as I was gone, that word was strongly impressed on her heart, This is the way, walk ye in it. On the 27th, ehe observed, how comfortably she had walked ever since, that life or death were now quite equal ; and that she wanted nothing but the will of God to be done. "I am," said she, "quite happy, and that word, our Father, is so opened to me, as fills me with delight. I have nothing to hold me here. No, I am ready to give up all. My children are near and dear to me, but I am ready to leave them at his call." She had close trials, uch as caused the most tender feelings. She observed, "I * Written by Mrs. Fletcher. M, Toom 256 THE LIFE OP [PART VH* cannot distrust the Lord, for he supports me through every thing. This morning, as I was in prayer, a wonderful sweet- ness came over my soul ; and my will was so lost in the will of God as I never found it before. I saw myself perfectly safe in his hand, and I cannot ask either for myself or my children any thing but his will. My dependence on the Lord is entire. I would not have a choice of my own for all the world. He orders every thing for me, small and great. No, I want nothing for soul or body but by his order. He is continually telling me, In blessing I will bless thee. O how sweet is that word, ' There is no complaining in our streets !' No, no, I cannot complain, I have no cause. All around me is blessing, and the best of all is, my heart is full of love. O love, love! Let there be nothing but love in my soul." After a little while, she said, " I want to feel the change more forcibly, I want to realize heaven ; I do not seem to see glory 1" I replied, Jesus was perfectly holy, yet Ms soul was sorrowful unto death. Holiness is not to be measured by- perfect joy, but by perfect resignation. You can see Jesus, and feel no will but his. She replied, " O yes, yes, I can see him, he is ever with me, I have no will but what is lost in God : and I am waiting the accomplishment of many glorious promises which have^pn given me." March 7.-=Bhe told me her cough bad been very bad, and almost constant ; but, said she, " With every fit of coughing, the Lord gave me some comfortable word. That word came with great power, Not a sparrow falls to the ground without your Father." She added, " I have had a night of suffering and of comfort ; all my sins were brought before me, even from my infancy, and I saw in myself such a depth of the fall as I cannot put into words, but I need not fear, since Jesus saves me. He forgiveth iniquity, transgression, and sin, and I felt it was so. Afterward that word was applied, ' Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither hath it entered the heart of man to conceive what God hath prepared for them that love him ;' and O, how I felt it was prepared for me ! Yes, he hath prepared a place for me, and I shall be with him. In the after- noon I was thinking of my husband and children, in particular the two little ones, when'l had such a discovery of the tender love and guardian care of the Lord, as took away every anxious thought. O he is all in all true, I would not take them out of his hand for the world. How is it, when I lie awake for hours, and cannot sleep, nor hardly move, I can lie so comfortable ! I feel such a rest ia God as sweetens all." She desired me to return thanks to all her dear friends who had shown such sym- pathy through all her sufferings. Thus, like a truly patient lamb, she laid before the Lord from day to day, longing for the happy hour of admittance into glory. As her outward strength J>ART VII.] MRS. FLETCHER. decayed, her love, patience, and entire resignation, - B increased. April 12. She could scarcely speak, her throat being much affected, as well as her lungs. She looked on me, and said, l am very ill, but happy in my soul. I have had a sweet night. I have no fear, no doubt ; I am waiting for the Lord." Soon after, she began to change for death. She asked to be lifted up> in order to tell more of the goodness of God, but could not form the words she wanted to speak. She at length said, " I have strong confidence," and soon after, without a struggle, she entered into the joy of her Lord. I praise the Lord for the measure of health I enjoy, which, when I do not go beyond my strength, is quite comfortable! And now, my Saviour, shine upon my soul, and tell me how it is with that ? I think I feel my dependence more singly on Jesus, more weaned from earth, and more athirst for the whole mind of Christ. Indeed, there are moments when all is clear ; but I want not to have a thought but such as is approved by a smile of Jesus, and to have a witness constant and clear that nothing but love dwells in my soul. I know I do taste of pure love, but I do not abide in Jesus ; therefore I do not bring forth much fruit. There is an entering into rest which I have of late been particularly led to ask for ; sometimes it seems near, and I am waiting for it in a clearer maflfcr than usual. Some observations which I read the other day, were much blessed to me. Speaking to a mourning soul, the author says, "Make God, as he is in himself, the object of thy joy, without any consideration of thyself at all.* Let your soul exult in that thought, The Lord is my strength and my song, he also is become my salvation. Observe, the Lord is then strong for and in you, when you look to him alone, unmixed with any thing else. But, on the other hand, when the eye of the soul is double, looking partly for a fitness in itself, the light is put out, as it is said of our Lord, He could not do many mighty works because of their unbelief. This looking unto Jesus is both an emptying and a filling grace. It empties the soul of self and the creature, and fills it with God. It is a trans- forming view ; the more we see of him, the more we shall be like him. Does he not tell thee, This is the victory whereby we overcome, even our faith ? Wouldst thou have the victory first, and believe afterward 1 'But I am conscious of idols !' Then plead the promise, From all thine idols I will cleanse thee. This is reaching out to the things before. ' But I fear I am not willing to part with them.' Perhaps not ; but if thou wilt look to Jesus, and wait at his feet, and tell him of thy help- lessness, he will so shine out on thy soul that the love of all other things shall drop off. What becomes of the stars when * See the note in page 177. 22* 258 THE LIFE op [PART VIL. the sun shines? Do they not disappear before the greater linrht ? So shall every other love before that mighty love he will pour into thee. But remember thou art to hold fast thy confidence, which hath great recompense of reward ; for ye have need of patience, that when ye have done the will of God, ye may receive the promise. Now this single eye, this constant act of faith, glorifying in hope to the end, is doing the will of God, and thus you shall receive the promise." November 13. Yesterday concluded twenty-one years since I joined in an eternal covenant with my dear Mr. Fletcher. O what advantages I have had through my union with some of the most excellent of the earth ! But, alas ! how little have I profited to what I might have done ! I have this morning been crying to the Lord to stir me up to more faithfulness. I am now in my sixty-fourth year, almost at the end of my race, and the great work of an entire conformity to God is yet to be gained. I found freedom in prayer, so that an hour on my knees seemed to pass as quick as a quarter usually does, and I hope and believe I shall from this day keep up the intense desire. Sunday, November 22. Through illness, I have been out but once this day. It is long since I have been forced to miss a meeting ; but I find all right my Master orders. It has been a good Sabbatfr to my soul. I was truly humbled to hear how the dear people wept and prayed for me ! O my God, let that word be perfectly fulfilled, " Then shalt thou have thy delight in the Almighty, and shalt lift up thy face,unto God." As I was reading chap, xxxi of Genesis, that wonf struck me, 7 am the God of Bethel ! Twenty years had elapsed, yet saith God, I am he that gave thee those sweet promises in that place. I arn the same for ever ! While meditating on this, it seemed as if he said to me, I am the God who told thee, Thou shall walk with me in white. Ah ! my Lord, I hang on thee with a firm belief. Thy words are tried words, purer than silver. The Lord will keep his promise for ever. December 23. I was much struck this morning in reading at the time of family prayer, the account of Jacob wrestling with the angel. I felt it kindle in me a degree of ardour which I did not feel before, to say with him, I will not let thee go unless thou bless me, yea, with the full communion of thy love. February 18. I have been confined near a month, and only able to speak in a low whisper. The disease is supposed to be a dropsy in the chest. I am sometimes in the night in danger of being suffocated. The night before last, I was very bad : and aa I lay waiting in peace before the Lord, that word was applied with unusual power, " Call upon me in the day of trouble, I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me." Ah ! PART VII.J MRS. FLETCHER. 259 my Lord, I do call on thee for more grace, but I cannot ask te or death ; I love the dear people, and feel a pain in leaving them ; yet I can only commit all to my adorable unerring Head April 5. Last night I laboured much for breath, and could not lie down. I saw myself encompassed with mercy and love As 1 was reflecting on the uncertainty of the issue of my com- lamt, tne thought struck me, my Lord was at this season sold ato the hands of men, who strove to join with devils to afflict mm ; and if kind physicians should mistake, and make me suffer, I may be said to be given into the hands of men, but not with- out the Lord. These words were sweet, " I fain with thee would sympathize. And share the sufferings of my Lord !" Ae I was reflecting that I had nothing to plead only '' Jesus my salvation is, This shall stand, and only this," a dart came across my mind, What if Calvinism be- true? len you may be one he hates ! Immediately that word came ' He hateth nothing that he hath made, his mercv is over all his works." Well, rny Lord, this I plead, 7 am thine, save me ! Give me to glorify thee, through the fire, and through water. 1 he tenderness of Miss Tooth,, whom the Lord hath sent to me, is very great. April 11. The Lord hath permitted me to be sorely exer- cised through the want of breath. The night before last I was forced to sit up m bed till four o'clock. Last night, blessed be God, the fit lasted but one hour, and then I rested comfortably. My one act is that of clinging to the will of God. June 2. Blessed be the Lord, he hath fulfilled his word. He bids. me "call upon him in the day of trouble ;" and in mv deliverance I do glorify him, and acknowledge his dear and powerful hand. I have been for some time restored to my com- fortable meetings, and preserved in tolerable health, with power to he down in peace, and take quiet rest. O that this late dis- pensation may rouse my soul more abundantly to labour after a more perfect rest ! Lord, establish me with thy free Spirit ! This morning one called who gave me the following extraor- dinary account : "On Saturday I had that word applied, 'As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you, abide ye in my love.' But on Sunday night, while you %vere speaking on, HOVD we ought to venture on Christ, my soul was greatly lifted up, my faith began to rekindle, and I felt extraordinary power all the way home. At family prayer my soul was sweetly drawn out. Just as we were going to bed, I opened my Testament on those words, 'Ask what ye will, and I will do it for you.' I felt the power, and thought, I will not go to bed ; I will stay and wrestle with the Lord. I did so ; and O, what did I feel ! I 260 THE LIFE OF [PART Vlf. have often had glorious times, but never such a time as that. Those precious words were applied, ' You are sealed to the day of redemption.' Since then,*as I was hearing a sermon on the New Jerusalem, I had such a glorious sight as I cannot de- scribe ! I cannot tell it to you." I asked, Was it a sight of the place, or of the Saviour! He answered, "It was both. I had four distinct sights ; I saw the glory of the Father, the glory of the Redeemer, and then the Redeemer in his man- hood, as covered with wounds : and also the Holy Spirit in his glory, ready to seal every soul who would take shelter in those wounds ! I now feel my soul all on the watch. I seem as if I feared to speak or move, lest I should in any wise grieve that Holy Spirit." My soul was much comforted at hearing this. Ah ! Lord, hast thou begun ? Then thou wilt go on. I do now believe an outpouring of thy Spirit will soon be given, and " times of re- freshing shall come from the presence of the Lord." This man had a taste of pure love some months ago, but lost it through unprofitable reasonings. Ever since his first awaken- ing, he has been a pattern to others, and, I believe, never lost liia first love.* July 4. When I awoke, I found those words applied, "Pray without ceasing, and in every thing give thanks." This morn- ing, reflecting on them while in prayer, the whole passage seemed to be applied to my heart, " Rejoice evermore, pray without ceasing, and in every thing give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus, concerning you." The last words made a deep impression, " concerning you ;" and I take it as a message from heaven. Lord, give me power to fulfil this sweet direction ! July 18. A few nights since those words seemed continual- ly with me, " In all my ways his hand I own, His ruling providence I see." The next day a change took place in my house, and several cir- cumstances occurred in church affairs. O what a comfort was that sentence to me ! Yes, my Lord, I do see thou dost order all things, and on thee I rest. August 19. This last week has been very solemn. Eighteen years my dear husband has been in glory. O ! how has each day brought its remembrance ! O carry on thy work in my soul with more power ! I cannot have much longer to remain here. I see and feel thy gracious hand extended over me for good, and I long for a full conformity to my Lord. November 12. ^This day twenty-two years, at this very hour, * It is with great propriety that Mrs. Fletcher bears this testimony concerning Ihe spirit and conduct of d person who was favoured with such manifestation* PART VII.] MRS. FLETCHER. 261 I was in Batley church, solemnly engaging to be one soul, one body, one interest, with my beloved husband for ever ! But what have I seen in these twenty-two years? What deep waters have I passed through 1 I have been brought through, and mercy hath followed me to tliis hour. On this day I devote myself afresh to God. Let our wedding day be a fresh conse- cration unto him who is the centre of our union ! A little be- fore my dear love's last illness, he indulged a train of thoughts on what I should do, and how I should live without him. He spoke tenderly of my marrying again ; but finding I could not bear the thought, he said no more. Since his death, the light hath always shone quite clear on my soul, that I was not called to join in marriage with any man on earth, but to preserve the privileges of a single life, which are so graciously bestowed upon me. Satan has spared no pains to trouble me in this way , but, blessed be the Lord, my light in this hath never been dark- ened one moment. I am the Lord's, and he hath opened my way before me, and still makes my cup run over with loving kindness and mercy. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me bless his holy name." November 14. In meeting the people on Sunday morning, I was struck with that thought, " The mind is to the soul what the mouth is to the body." I must take in food or lose my strength ; but if I take poison I must die. Nay, if I avoid poi- son, but yet feed on wood and chaff, I shall as surely die. So the mind is the mouth of the soul ; and though I should start at any thought apparently sinful, yet if I starve it, instead ot" continually endeavouring to draw the sincere milk of the word, I still sow to corruption, and what I sow, that I ifhall reap. Then let me fix my eye on the great mystery of 'God made man ! Why did God become man ? It was man by whom the covenant was broken, and therefore man must have suitable punishment laid upon him. It was God with whom it was broken, and therefore God must have suitable satisfaction made unto him. And as to that satisfaction, it was man that had offended, therefore it was man alone that could make it suita- ble. It was God that was offended, and therefore it was God alone that could make it sufficient. Now, being man as well as God, it behoved him to fulfil all righteousness, to keep tho whole law in the perfect manner required by the Adamic dis- pensation : yet, as being God co-equal with the Father, it was not from duty, but merely upon our account, that he thus sub- jected himself to the yoke of his own laws, himself, as God, being the Lawgiver, and so no more under it than the Father himself. Whatever, therefore, Christ did or suffered in the flesh, was meritorious, and the believer has accepted it. Mr. Wesley observes, in his note in the sermon on The Lord our Righteousness, This obedience of Christ, as it was infinite, 262 THE LIFE OF [PART VII, pure, and perfect, did, without doubt, infinitely transcend all the obedience of all the sons of men, even if they had remained in their primitive state ; for their obedience would still have been but the obedience of finite creatures, whereas the obedience of Christ was the obedience of one who was truly God as well as man, by which the laws of God had a divine obedience perform- ed to them. They could command no more than the obedience of finite creatures ; whereas the obedience of Christ was the obedience of one who was the infinite Creator, as well as a finite creature ; and by this he hath purchased for us a far greater salvation than if man had net fallen. As our Head he hath also entered, yea, as our Forerunner, into that glorious union with the Deity which we could never have known but by the Word being made flesh, and performing this righteousness in our behalf. Now this transcendent glory, called the joy of the Lord, we are called to enter into to be heirs of God, and joint heirs with Christ. As himself hath said, The glory which thou hast given me, I have given them. December 3. This day three years my dear Sally entered glory. O that I may be permitted to share with her the inhe- ritance of the saints in light .' I think I do enjoy it in a mea- sure, for it is amazing to me how calm and comfortable my mind is kept, and how the Lord doth provide help for me in every circumstance. I have nothing to do but prepare for death. O for a constant look upward ! March 3, 1801. I have a deep conviction on my mind to-day of that truth, The heart of man always seeks rest in something; therefore thoughts that please, and that have not the appear- ance of evil in themselves, yet if they are unnecessary, they may lead to a seeking rest out of God. Here I have found S&- tan very busy, and am often forced to cry out, " I will know nothing but Jesus Christ, and him crucified." My heart is much in expectation of a closer union with my God than I have ever known. I wait for the Lord. April 26. Glory be to God. I find him near ; he seems to be sitting on my soul as a refiner's fire, and so calling every thought into judgment as I never found before. We have had very sweet times of worship lately. The Lord is indeed car- rying on his work, blessed be his name ; and I trust this meet- ing of the children will be for good. In this, Miss Tooth is made of great use to me. O my tender Father ! Thou dost not suffer me to want any thing. June 17. Help me, O my Saviour ! It seems as if I could not get those answers to prayer which I want. Yet he gives me little touches, some tokens for good, before I rise from my knees. But O ! it is not what I long for. Such a sight I have of late into that word, Let that mind be in you that was in Chritt Jesus ? O how much is contained therein ! Yet I see PART VII.] MRS. FLETCHER. 263 it is my privilege, for so I see the privilege held out by St. John, "Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment, because as he is, so are we, m this world." I find many have been blest in our meetings lately ; but I did not hear of it till several days after the time. And hence it has been a season of temptation and discourage- ment with me. I thought what I had said was so short of what ought to have been spoken, that all the next week I felt a deep conviction, that unless the Lord put words into my mouth, and gave power with them, no good would be done. I even feared that the Lord did not approve of my calling the people together, when there was no one but me to speak to them. Yet I knew well that all the good done upon the earth is the Lord's doing, and that he can work by the meanest instrument. However, this was the conclusion, I must ask and wrestle for every meet- ing, public and private, and hang by faith on Christ alone, believing that word, "It is not you that speak, but the Spirit of your Father which speaketh in you." On last Monday night I felt the answer. Then I had great freedom, and I cannot tell how many have since praised God for the blessing brought into their souls that night. I can do nothing without much prayer. July 10. We have had an awful affair at a pit hard by. Three young men were killed outright. The following Sunday they were buried, and it was computed that more than a thou- sand persons attended their funeral. Mr. Walter took the opportunity to speak to them, I trust not without effect. As some had been burnt in that pit not long before, the master or- dered the tools, &c, to be brought up, declaring he would have no more coal got there, at least for a time. Accordingly a man, one of our exhorters, who was an overseer of the work, went down with his eldest son, a fine youth about sixteen, and some other men. Just as the overseer got in, the vapour caught fire again, killed his son, and a boy who was with him, and most dreadfully burnt himself and another man. Here was a trial indeed ! Both himself and his wife much delighted in that son, who was carried home dead, and himself not likely to Jive an hour. His wife, who had a 'child at her breast, fainted away, and for some time it was not known which would die first. But the Lord supported them both by his almighty power ; and the man was so filled with the love of God, in his greatest extremity of pain, that he has been a wonder to all. He de- -ared, that the Lord did so make his bed in his sickness that he could feel no will but that of God ; and in that will he did glory ! The other person who was burnt was a young man that had a few years ago some desires after true religion, but of late he had wholly fallen back. Between the two there was k striking contrast. The young man was all terror, and shrieked 264 THE LIFE Of [PART VII. dreadfully. He had no comfort in pain, and no pleasant pros- pect if it should end in death. O what need have we to use the present hour ! Lord, give us unceasing prayer ! O let us live in the constant view of eternity ! It is hoped both the men will recover. August 27. Glory be to God ! I daily prove he is faithful- ness and love. A few mornings ago I awoke with that word, "As thy day, so shall thy strength be." I did not take par- ticular notice of it then ; but yesterday, through an uncommon providence, I was called to go through such fatigue as to me seemed impossible. Yet I was carried through all with such ease, both as to body and mind, as amazed me. O let me learn by all to live without fear, for I have in thee, O Lord, such a treasure-house as will always supply my every want. There is no room for fear or care. No, "the government is on thy shoul- der." All the weight lies there, and my business is to sing and praise all the way through. November 9. Many mercies am I surrounded with ; and though I have many infirmities of body, yet they are so held as with a bridle that I do not suffer much, and am able to attend all my appointments. I see all right ; to be sure there are cir- cumstances which would once have been a cross, but I am fully convinced all comes through my Saviour's hand, and therefore I know all shall work for good. I see my situation well suited for growing in grace, and I do grow, but O that it were faster ! I remember a time when I rather shrunk at repeating that line of the hymn, "Give me to feel an idle thought, As actual wickedness ;" but truly I do now feel it so. I eee the need there is of being all eye, not only against what appears evil, but also what is called innocent, but is really useless. Last week I received a letter from Leeds, informing me of the death of Sister Crosby. I had a few days before received one from her own hand, a very precious one ; and observed on it how her eyes and strength held out, though ten years older than I. Her call was sudden, but one day's illness ; during which she was kept in faith and love, and departed (as it appeared) in her sleep in the evening. A mother in Israel hast tliou been, and thy works shall praise thee in the gates. November 12. This day is particularly solemn to me. It is just twenty-three years this morning, both by the year and by the day, since I was at this very hour going to Batley church, to give my hand to my dearly beloved Mr. Fletcher. O, what fears did I feel, lest it should be a step out of God's way ! The light I had before, seemed that morning to be quite obscure ; but as eoon as it was over, the light broke out on my soul, and it hath shone clearer and clearer ever since. Blessed be God TART VIII.] MRS. FLETCHER. 265 ihat I ever took that step! It was the Lord that brought us together, and joined us in an eternal union ! Nor do I find that union any less ; nay, it is at this moment far greater than on that day. O that I were more spiritual ! then I should par- take more fully of the inheritance which he enioys in the kinff- dom of our Father. PART THE EIGHTH. HER DECLINING TEARS. January 1, 1805. AND now another year is gone ! Lord, what shall I say T Have I got nearer to thee 1 In some things I have ; but ah ! Lord, show forth thy mighty power, and lift me above all ! Make "my feet as hinds' feet," that I "may tread on the high places," and never let in a thought that doth not lead to thee ! In the last month, on the seventh day, my dear, my only sister, was called to her eternal rest. We had not seen each other for some years, but constantly wrote all our minds and every concern to each other. Providence had thrown us, as to habi- tation, far asunder. In her last hours she expressed faith and resignation, and that she was waiting for the coming of the Lord, and repeatedly begged me to give her up. I cannot but rejoice in her escape from suffering to eternal bliss, though the remembrance of our early pilgrimage is ever present to my rnind. Her kind concern for me she has shown by leaving me fifty pounds a year for life. Some time since it seemed pro- bable I should lose thirty pounds a year, and in that case I must draw back the help I give to some particular persons and affairs ; and now the Lord hath taken care for that also. O, how faithful is my God ! Eternity seems very near ; my breath grows shorter, and my strength begins to fail. Well, the will of God is all ; and it is all my desire that it may be perfectly done in me. February 23. I have had views of my past life lately, which seem to have discovered a depth of the fall of which I was not conscious. These openings endear the Saviour abundantly. how little did I know myself when the Lord, who knew me thoroughly, was heaping blessings upon me, and inviting me to his bosom ! Some years since, a person with whom I was in- timate, and who meant well, was certainly very imprudent. Some of the blame fell on me, though I was quite clear. But 1 feared the reproach, and in order to justify myself, I told 23 266 THE LIFE Of [PART Vm. many of the particulars which were not necessary, and thus f rather aggravated the circumstances. I was afterward much pained. The other night, as I lay in bed, it all came before me. I was nearly crushed, until those words gave me some relief, "They to whom much is forgiven, love much." O my gracious Lord, let this be fulfilled in me !* This morning in prayer, and afterward in reading the second and third chapter of the Colossians, I felt much encouragement. This day I could not but observe, that a power had rested on my mind ever since Sunday, which had kept off the enemy when he would approach ; and if a thought would strive to creep in, I felt as if my faithful Lord gave me instantly a check, and excited me to beware. All these days I have seen such various mercies as I cannot express. Truly I can say, " In all my ways his hand I own, His ruling providence I see." I was greatly struck last night by hearing of a young woman who was to have been married next Monday. One of her un- godly companions on the pit bank, asked her where she intend- ed to keep her wedding 1 ? She profanely answered, "In hell." Soon after, being at her work near the mouth of the pit, her foot slipped, she fell in, and was dashed to pieces ! This and some other things which have lately occurred of the same kind, seem to Irave brought eternity very near. O how important is every moment. October 12. Come, Lord Jesus, and give me the complete victory ! Last Sunday was a time of power to many, as they have since told me. This day I have been pleading with the Lord to take me altogether into his hand. O, what a struggle it is to keep faithful in rejecting useless thoughts ! O, how hard never to offend with the tongue ! December 13. Glory be to God for many mercies since I wrote last. Some peculiar answers to prayer I must relate. The rich hardly enter into the kingdom, and therefore we the more abundantly praise him in behalf of Mrs. B. and Mrs. E. Mrs. B. was, by nature, remarkable for a worldly spirit, a lion- like temper, and being hard to please. She had also used the means of grace for several years, without bearing fruit. About two years ago her health began to decline ; and soon after, conviction began to fasten on her soul, though her complaint did not appear dangerous. Her cry was, for the comforts of religion, and she wondered why she could not feel them as others did. I clearly saw she was still unawakened, though somewhat enlightened. We prayed for her, and with her; and * How afflicting to a pure conscience does any transgression of the law of love appear, even after it has been forgiven, and the corrupt principle removed froni Uie soul. ED. VIII.] MRS. FLETCHER. 267 in u few months she began to feel she was a sinner. Her dis- order also grew extremely painful ; but her cry now was, " O, I hope the Lord will not take away my pain tih he sees I shall not grow hardened again. O, what a Gospel-hardened sinner have I been ! I have sat under the strongest truths ; and all The time the world had my heart. Sometimes I did feel too ; but as soon as I came home, all was gone. Yes, I had rather have my pain, bad as it is, than be Gospel-hardened again." She continued mourning a long time, often saying, I can get no answer no, not the least answer, yet I hope too. Those words of the hymn are often on my mind, " I the chief of sinners am, But Jesus died for me." We now began to discern a great change. The lion wae lost in the dove and the lamb. She continued to increase, by de- grees, in her confidence. Sometimes she found such a hold of the Saviour, and such overflowing love, as if she could never fear more. TKen conflicts would return, but her fa'ch grew more firm, till, at length, her peace was unshaken. For along time, either Miss Tooth, or myself, have seen her continually, and witnessed the mighty change which was wrought on her. One only darling child, a nice house just built, and many other ties she had to hold her here ; out all was but as a grain in the balance in her account. She had truly sold all for the pearl of great price, and in the possession of that she was content, and proved to the last moment that she was a new creature. The other I shall give in Miss Tooth's own words. " Oc- tober the 3d, Mrs. M. acquainted me with the illness of Mrs. E. expressing a wish that I would see her, as it was too far for! Mrs. Fletcher. I went the next morning, and found her very weak, but desirous of help for her soul. She told me, she hud for some time been convinced there was no happiness but in religion. I endeavoured to point her to the source of all con- solation, the atoning Lamb of God, who is ever ready to receive conscious sinners. When I had prayed, and was leaving her, she expressed herself in a most grateful manner, thanking me for my kindness in coming to see her, and begged to be remem- bered to Mrs. Fletcher, adding, ' How happy are the people who receive instruction from ner.' She had attended Mrs. M 's school, and therefore was accustomed to Mrs. Fletcher's meetings. The next time I saw her, I read Mr. Fletcher's two letters to Miss Ireland, who died of the same complaint a consumption. She seemed much affected the whole time w were together. After prayer I entreated her not to rest satis- fied with any comfort she might feel, but to be earnest with the Lord for a clear manifestation of hie love to her soul. The next time I went, Mr. E. being at home, I could not see her, the being quite averse. to it. However, I went again, and now 268 THE LIFE OF [PART VIM, all ray fears were done away. O what a change had taken place ! the new song was indeed put into her mouth, even of praise and thanksgiving unto our God. As soon as I came to her bed side, she reached out her hand, saying 1 , ' I am glad to see you.' I answered, So am I, my dear, to see you. and I trust you have had some gracious visits from the Lord since we met last. She answered, ' O yes, many, many.' Then looking earnestly at me, she said, ' That is a sweet word, Whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son that he receiveth ! And you know St. Paul saith, These light afflictions which are but for a moment, shall work out for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.' Then with her arms thrown up, as in a rapture of delight, she repeated, ' A far more exceeding, a far more exceeding ! O, it is not possible to tell you what I feel in those words.' I said, My dear, you have now a sweet foretaste of that enjoyment you will shortly have in full possession. ' O yes,' replied she, ' that is the thing, that is the thing ! I am now so sure I shall be happy ! Yes, die when I will, I am sure I shall be eternally- happy ! But it is no merit of mine ; no, it is nothing I have done. No, no, it is Jesus Christ hath died for me ! that is the comfort. O Miss Tooth, that is the comfort, Jesus Christ hath died for me !' Yes, I replied, that will never fail you. The Lord has been very gracious to you, and when I get home and tell dear Mrs. Fletcher, how will she praise the Lord for this ! She then cried out, O beg her to pray for me. As long as I am here I hope she will not forget me. I have had those words very much on my mind, Be ye also ready, for at an hour that ye think not the Son of Man cometh.' With great so- lemnity, she repeated, ' at an hour ye think not.' I said, You can now praise the Lord that he did not call you at an hour when you thought not of him. ' O yes,' said she, ' I praise him for it. I praise him also every hour for this affliction : this light affliction.' She again expressed much love to Mrs. Fletcher, and said, ' I shall see her in glory.' She parted from me in words of heavenly love, and triumphant joy. Soon after she desired one present to read the burial service, to which she listened with great attention ; but when they came to those words, Thanks be to God who hath given us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ, she was transported, and shouted aloud the high praises of her Saviour, who had given her the victory. ' I .have it, I feel it,' she cried out ! And in' the same heavenly triumph she departed, and entered her heavenly Father's house." January 23, 1806. Blessed be the Lord I feel an. encou- raging hope, that this will be the best year of my life. \ ani' f waiting for my Lord to come and make my heart his;love