UC-NRLF B 3 311 fi77 Tr>l\-pus 7Jnf^//uut2 AXX THE TAILED" TS . Jtn*-tan*tf*n. jrtifl 6 ALL THE TALENTS ; SATIRIC AJL POEM, BY POLYPUS. DIALOGUE THE FOURTH. 'w — EMBELLISHED WITH A FRONTISPIECE. LONDON: PRIMED FOR JOH.V JOSEPH STOCKD A I.I., NO 41, PALL-MALL. 1807- Price U. 6d. T. Gillet, Printer, Wild-count, //:- PREFACE TO THE FOURTH DIALOGUE THE fourth Dialogue is at length laid before the Public. Its delay was occasioned by various circumstances which it would now be needless to re- late ; but certainly not on account of any pique or slight towards those wor- thy gentlemen who figure in it, and to whom, on the contrary, I feel highly obliged, as they have innocently been A M84819 11 PREFACE. the means of affording much entertain- ment to my muse. I do not expect, indeed, that they will lay me under equal obligations in this Dialogue. Besides the disadvan- tage I labour under in being obliged to speak of the same personages again, a more serious difficulty occurs in the different point of view in which these personages are now placed. In the three former Dialogues they were ex- hibited as mischievous and powerful animals ; now they cease to be mis- chievous, because they are no longer powerful. Then, they were objects of terror — now they are only objects of compassion. Indignation then lent her preface. Hi- aid to render the satire palatable, now blue-eyed Pity mingles milk with the hitter draught. The shout of triumph is never heard with such satisfaction as the cry of discontent ; and mcst pro- bably my muse must put her patriotism to the proof, by suffering for the good of her country. I do not ask it in the spirit of Party, I make an appeal to the good sense and sincerity of my countrymen, whether a more inefficient or * ruinous adminis- * I advise my readers to peruse that incomparable production, a Vindication of the Court of Russia. It is one of the bes! pamphlets I have over read, and, I think, satisfactorily proves an accusation, which, if true, blasts the political purity of certain charac- ters for ever. i IV PREFACE, tration than the late one, ever existed in this country. Other ministries have been accused of neglect or inability, singly — of hurtful or unconstitutional measures, singly— have been laughed at, or despised, or execrated, singly — but the phoenomenon of a boastful faction, uniting in itself both sloth and impo- tence, injury and injustice ; and under- going every gradation of national anger, from the lowest contempt to the highest indignation, remained for the late Ad- ministration alone : and yet there is so much of the ludicrous in the final catas- trophe, that I defy the veriest cynic of us all to speak or think of it without feeling his risible faculties affected. It was a se- rious affair indeed while the battle lasted. PREFACE. V but since it is now happily over, we may- sit clown satisfied with the result, and laugh heartily at those poor fellows, who, tho' not specially endowed with ability to perform wonders, are, at least, eminently gifted with the powers of pro- mising them. The <*eese that saved Rome by their cackling were them- selves, I doubt not, the subject of many a merry jest, when they afterwards came to be eaten. There is something singular in every circumstance relative to that admini-r stration. Even the period of its dura- tion was remarkable. The Sun be- stowed on it his year, the Moon her month, and the Earth her day ; and VI PREFACE. exactly at the conclusion of these pla- netary revolutions came the political one. The death of a single person ushered it into being, and the speech of a trivial individual, in a distant sec- tion of the empire, brought it to its grave. It commenced its earliest career with the explosion of a cracker ; and it died of a surfeit caused by keeping its word. It may be matter of curious specula- tion to consider how my heroes will most probably end their days. For my own part, I sincerely wish them all along life, sine?, I dare say, they will hereafter afford my brethren of the pen as much merriment as they have afforded me ; PREFACE. VU and if I should not celebrate their fu- ture exploits, let them rest assured that I shall always continue to bear their past enterprises in grateful remembrance ; — enterprises which have, at least, pro- cured my pen a little notoriety, my publisher some profit, and my country- men a very hearty laugh. ALL THE TALENTS. DIALOGUE THE FOURTH* Di meliora ferant j nee sint insomnia vera, Quae tulit hesterna pessima nocte quies. Ite procul Vani, falsumque avertite visum ! Desinite in vobis quserere velle /Idem. Divi vera monent ; ventures nuneia sortis, Vera monent Tuscis exta probata viris. Tib. * The fourth Dialogue is written to commemorate the final overthrow and total discomfiture of All the Talents. The story of these unfortunate gentlemen is short, simple, and pathetic. They got into place by making a promise, and they got out of place by performing it. Perhaps this was the first promise they had ever adhered to, but then it threatened much injury to the nation, and they stained a point accordingly. It is now difficult to Bay whether the Catholic, the Patriot, the Whig, or the Traitor, B 10 ALL THE TALENTS ; POLYPUS. WHO but has read how once f a rebel race, High on huge Ossa Fel ion strove to place ; To heap O'yrrpv.s' hill with six or seven, Ar.d by tbis bold manoeuvre mount to heav'n ? Who but has read how fatally they far'd, Crush'd underneath the pile themselves prepar'd ? detests them most. The Catholic hates them because they have blasted all his prospects; the Patriot, because they have insulted his King ; the Whig, because they have dis- graced him by unexpected dulness : and the Traitor, be- cause they forgot him in the fulness of prosperity. * A rebel race, &c] Ter sunt conati imponere Pelio Ossam, Scilicet atque Ossse frondosum involvere Olympum. Ter Pater extructos disjecit fulmine montes. VlRG* I hope nobody will put an invidious construction upon my parallel of the Talents and the Giants. Wit, says Locke 5 consists in likening together unlike things, and if these gen- tlemen wish to be thought unlike a brood of rebels, I am sure I havfe no objection to take the consequence, and be eanside'red a wit. a Satirical poem. 11 Thus wicked Haman too, with pain I mention, Died on a gallows of his own invention. But a tale goes more pitiful by half ; I'm told The Talents, — pray excuse a laugh, — They who prefer the Pope before the King, And sneer at conscience as a sneaking thing, Dupes to their own designs, from pow r are hurl'd, * To be the jest and bye-word of the world. * To be the jest and bye-word of the world.] Vt pqeris placed ei deelamatio fies. So effectually have I succeeded in rivetting the appellation of * All the Talents on the * It seems that the Morning Chronicle, with an astonishing keen- ness of retort, has attempted to nick-name the present mini, try "All the Swindlers!" The classical elegance of this idea is surpassed only by its happy adaptation. But I am told (for in truth I have not yet had the curiosity to read one of them), that a whole swarm of winged answers are already trying their little stings on me. Luckily for my wishes, the booksellers of this city know the trick of trade, and when a book goes Joiun (as they call it,) in- stantly employ all the hirelings to enhance its value byabusin I My publisher, the ydunger Mr. Stockdale, who is himself an au- thor, and able in his profusion, tell, me that my ahta upid, and I confide in his judgment. B 2 12 ALL THE TALENTS ; Of diff'rent factions, but the same pursuit, Alike intent to pluck Hesperian fruit, This motley crew were selfishly agreed, And tied together in a knot of need ; And as by shaking, oils and acids mix, Short union ow'd to jumbling politics. But as the dev'l decreed, (tho' some will hint, Not dev'ls, but guardian angels meddled in't) They made a promise solemn and absurd, And in a freak of honor kept their word. Nay more, to keep it mov'd all human means, Fights on the stage and shifts behind the scenes So now like spiders, hous'd in woven clay, Lo ! the broom-royal sweeps them all away. junto of Catholic memory, that I actually begin to flatter myself that historians will transmit them to posterity with that title. Similar bye-words are not uncommon in Eng- lish history. There was the lack-learning Parliament, and the f Rump Parliament, and the Cabal — why not All the Talents ? t The Rump Parliament reminds me of the bread~bottomed admi- nistration. A SATTRICAL POEM. 13 SCRIBLERUS. Yet giv'n a grasp, the Talents, we were told, Like blooded mastiffs ne'er would loose their hold. And who had blam'd 'em ? Heav'n itself ordain'd, Things hardly earn'd shon'd stoutly be maintained Men who long follow shou'd as long enjoy ; Troy's ten years' siege demands a prize like Troy, Gods ! shall the royal patent wrap a pill, And shall these quacks go unrequited still ? POLYPUS. \ et can wild * W-nd— m, empty as the blast, Want a reward to compensate the past ? * W-nd-m. This precious speculator has v\ ; ;ned his claims on Norfolk, and thei olidity of judgment, and less tl I l rch than I i have ( xpected from him. It is pleasanl < ro a h and so many of ins i olli agu< n adversity, honor of being reprei tnted b) theii i I I and on 14 ALL THE TALENTS ; Say can this sprite of pure ethereal mold, Sustain material gravity of gold ? and offering reasons so bashful and discreet. Yet, tho r the policy of the measure is beyond a doubt, there may be some question as to the modesty of the motive. But of all the phenomena of political timidity that ever astonished the weak mind of man, give me Sir Fr--c-s B-rd-tt. This vsror r thy Baronet's reasons for not offering himself as a candidate are really the most blushing and candid ones imaginable. Indeed, he tells us at once, that he has no Talents whatever. For that now, when men of abilities are most wanted, he could be of no service at all ! He tell us, therefore, that he will lie by, till he can do no good for us, and then, per- haps, he means to amaze us with a readiness at expedients, when there shall be no emergencies, ar.d a fluency of ar- gument, when there shall be nothing to contend ! Is this a Patriot ? Or do patriots generally run away in the crisis of the combat ? Res est ridievla et nimis joeosa. 1 am happy, however, that he has kindly consented to suffocate himself with shields and breast-plates, like Sancho, in the battle at Barataria. He will disgust the country, and he will do it no harm. Had it not been for his duel he would never have been elected. Compassion for him, as an injured friend, procured him one half of his votes, and he was unable to appear personally to harangue himself out of the other. As to poor P — 11, I wish him all sorts of kindnesses, and every merriment that his own innocent mind can procure. He has now sunk below censure itself; and, indeed, much as. I might say both of P- 11 and B-rd-tt, I am too true a sportsman to fire at maimed fowl. A SATIRICAL POEM. 15 This wrinkled Ariel, imp'd with moonshine wings, Say can he quit his * cowslip-bell for kings ? SCRIBLERUS. Alas ! his soul too subtle for his clay, Wastes her terrestrial tenement away, And lifts this more than man so near the sky, That scarce, methinks, he can be said to die ; Rais'd and refin'd by intellectual leav'n, The mortal man amalgamates with heav'n. Then O ! to W-nd~m fun'ral honors give, Whom matter subtiliz'd forbids to live. POLYPUS. Such Iwnours W-nd— m cou'd to Pitt refuse ," But deck his bier — no Envy stains the muse. Avert vile Envy, Ileav'n, from mortal minds j Toil is her rest, in Virtue Vice she finds, Where the bee sips there lurk I, In a coivilifs hell I lie. Seng "/Aiuel in The Tempest. 16 ALL THE TALENTS Admiring merit, him who has it, hates, And Malice, Plot, and Murder, are her mates. From her keen fang nor tow'r nor temple save, She tugs at thrones and violates the grave. Her eyes unlike, with verdant sparkles glare, And hissing serpents implicate her hair j Pale eating fires around her body run, Mists from her mouth expire and blot the sun. SCRIBLERUS. Yet Envy's self must mourn how P-tty * fell, Just warm with life, and issuing from his shell ; Two-legg'd, unfeather'd, quite a chick of chance, That knock'd its little head against finance : * P-tty. The University of Cambridge has confirmed the public opinion of Lord P-tty, by rejecting him as a re- presentative. This is the greatest disgrace he could pos- sibly undergo, because it is the most unequivocal criterion of the small estimation in which he is universally held. Yet, tho' I have no hope of an increase in his understand- ing, I do not altogether despair of a reform in his prin- ciples. He is young, and has got into bad company — but time works strange things, and time may endow his Lord- ship with some worldly prudence, though it cannot alter the texture of his brain. A SATIRICAL POEM. 17 Peck'd chaff for corn, hopp'd onward, lame and blind, And dying, left no golden egg behind. What tho' small brains within his head be hunc ? Yet the just gods have giv'n the boy a tongue. What tho' his Lordship in th' Exchequer fail ? \ et if he cannot reason, he can rail. POLYPUS, Place then his genius in its proper sphere, Where all may laugh at it and none need fear - } Milk is a balm in its concocted state, Tho' crudely pass'd into the blood, 'tis fate. Yet had the youth from syren Pow'r rcfrain'd, Content to hug th' applause a speech obtain'd, Fondly his little merits we had ey'd, .And counted much conceal' d because untry'd ; But now his pow'rs arc truly understood ; * Use strips at once the gilding from the wood. * Use str'pr, at once the gilding from (he wood] His lord- 18 ALL THE TALENTS *, Now back to starve see weeping T-rn-y * go ; Starve did 1 say ? Alas ! I fear 'tis so. Keen was his wit when hunger edg'd his scull, 'Twas ministerial veil son made him dull. , ship remained in power precisely long enough to make it appear that he could not have remained a moment longer. Indeed, the short * administration of All the Talents, re- minds me, in many respects, of the short peace we once made with Bonaparte. Each was equally inglorious, and each injured us materially ; yet served us also, by confirm- ing us in a bad opinion of both. It is thus with the mo- mentary glimpse of lightning; the short glare which shews us our danger is the danger itself—However, the noisy thunder which follows is always harmless. * Now back to starve see iceeping T-rn-ij go.~\ This gen- tleman is one among the many, who possess the negative talent of telling others what they should not do, without having capacity to teach them what they ought to do. Mr. T— rn-y can pull down palaces, though he cannot build a J'ai eu, et aurai pour lui, toute ma vie, une aversion effroyable. * They remained in power exactly one year, one month, and one day. They might therefore be aptly termed the Unit Administra- tion ; though now, indeed, the Units are metamorphosed into Cy- phers. A SATIRICAL POEM. If) Then let him still in harmless silence ent ; You give him morals when you grant him meat. 1 * SCRIBLERUS. But ah! what shift shall f Sh--r— u essay, Who cannot borrow, and who will not pay ? " O dukes comlttim valete CtEtus! Longe quos simul a domo profectos, Diverse varia; vix leportant ! Catul. f Sh--r — «.] This " blazing meteor" who has the most cause to be vexed at the late change, has kept, or seemed to keep, his temper the best. He bears his misfortune, it' not with the real meekness of a Christian, at least, with the apparent good-humour of a rake. He knows enough of the world to be conscious that the triumph is doubled when the loser appears mortified, so he very wisely laughs and over his ».W<x ojvov, and makes the best of a bad bargain. Yet I cannot conceive what end a man of Mr. S— d— n's age art , by adhering to a party whom i rtainly despises in his heart. Personal attachment might have tied him to it dui rig A !.". 1' :'s life, but the moth- bave expired with the object which caused it. '. : ti m ) [1 ' - ' ■ 20 ALL THE TALENTS ; POLYPUS. The head that twice three bottles can endure, Finds ways and means these bottles to procure j Wou'd you know how ? His honor is not nice ; Laughing he'll tell you, and he'll tell you twice, No man is half so sly the dun to slip ; No man boasts how w ith half so sly a lip. SCRIBLERUS. Now let the Dramatist return to Drury, And * Wh-tbr— d drop the Commons for the Brew'ry. an inconsistent party be consistency, why then I must allow Mr. Sh— d— n an ample portion of this virtue. But the truth is, Mr. Sh— d-n is personally, not politically consistent. He mistakes friendship for patriotism, and because he has not deserted his bottle companions, flatters himself he has rot deserted his country. It happens then, by an odd sort of distracted logic, that the proof of his consistency de- pends upon proving his want of it. * Wh-ibr— d,~] J once heard a very deformed person A SATIRICAL POEM. 21 Yet Wh-tb— d's double talent who can fear ? lie brews small mischief, and he brews small beer ; Harmless alike in unpolluted grains, And in the heavy baggage of his brains. Non onirics omnia possumus, 1 fear; The man is muddy, but his drink is clear. POLYPUS. Safe let him pass the ordeal of my pen ; 'Twere more than mean to turn on him again. Dull heads are harmless, and unharm'd shou'd go ; If a stone strikes one, who returns the blow ? console himself with the reflection, that at least, he bade defiance to the knife of the anatomist, I think Mr. \V may comfort himself in a similar manner. There is an in exphcabihty about the man that puzzles me extremely. I have already taken in pieces all the carveablc parts of B - character, and for the present, abandon him in despair. 22 ALL THE TALENTS ; SCRIBLERUS. Yet feeble * S-dm— th let a line engage ; Here vent thy venom, here exhaust thy rage ; Unfit to plan, and crossing ev'ry plot, A go-between, a spoil-sport, a what not ? Curst with some conscience, (an uncourtly sign) Much of a dunce, and more of a divine ; Who still his party changes, like his shirt, To wear again when ridded of its dirt. Still, still in negatives his Lordship deals. And 'tis his absence that his party feels. * S-dm-th.~} This nobleman was one of the three that refused to unite their fortunes with that gang of smugglers, who endeavoured to pass contraband measures on the royal conscience. His Lordship has thus proved himself what, indeed, I always thought him — a mighty good sort of man ; and tho' his Lordship has' not abilities to command an admi- nistration, he possesses the singular property of putting every administration to the rout. As 1 said before, his lordship is a mighty good sort of man. A SATIRICAL POEM. 23 POLYPUS. Yet let me say of S-dm— th I have hope : At least he loves the King beyond the Pope. Pass the n his weakness, since his heart is well : A good man's blunder is the jest of hell. * Eccentric Ers — e, fop enough to faint, Now doffs his trammels and his stiff constraint j Yet. more my mirth than anger he provokes ; The worst of Judges was the best of jokes ; Grotesquely grave, and aukward in his rise, The wit turn'd fool, endeav'ring to be wise. * Eccentric Ersk—e.~\ This noble Lord is settled/or l\fe, so I most sincerely hope we shall never hear of him or hi* ? rtffAxxuv ao<pui agairt. And indeed, I dbllbl n it, he will now begin to think that all things are actually as th be, and that a country hi Lordship J thou ami per annum, (ah! le pauvre homme!) «. want cither a reform or a revolution. 24 ALL THE TALENTS ; SCRIBLERUS. Yet ev'rv merit meets in him alone, That modern fops and ancient sages own - } Esprit de rose and jeu <T esprit combine ; *' Celestial Virtue" and " Pommade divine. POLYPUS. Yes, he has virtue — Pity on a head, That oft a heart so honest has misled. Yet now, perhaps, imagination's ray May grow more temp'rate with his closing day $ And as its ardors tow'rd th' horison tend, The pale cold orb of Reason may ascend.. Ah, proud in vain ! how rarely we behold Wit mix'd with wisdom in a mortal mold. A SATIRICAL POEM. 2 5 Back to cabal let turbid * H-\v — k turn, And splash up sourness from his guttr'al churn ; With grimly wit the hating House infest, Death in his smile, and terror in his jest ; * H-iv-ck] What shall I say of this able, this temperate, this virtuous nobleman ? To praise him were an insult, to abuse him, "stale," to advise him, " unprofitable ;" and Ihen he happens to be so " melancholy and gentleman-like," that it is out of the nature of things to make a jest of him The disgraceful contest he so long supported with his no- ble master, has undone him for ever. Un prince, dont les yeux se font jour dans Ics cceurs, £t qui ne peut trompcr tout l'art des Imposteiirs. D'un fin discernment sa grande ame pourvtie, Sur les choscs toujours jette une droite vue. Mol. Tart. As to his ally, Lord Gr-nv-lle, I find it a painful, but tndispensible duty, to declare my present sentiments of a man, whom three months ago I considered as the pride and prop of his country. Three months ago, my long par- tiality towards his Lordship still led me to hope, that his invslcrio'js junction with Mr. Fox was owing to some un- fortunate; not culpable, misunderstanding with his relative, and thai too 1 he had changed his parly, he lud nol tered his principles. I therefore refrained frorn remarl on the matter, and merely hinted my hope thai b e would not be found to faii in his zeal and fidelity. Jiut how mi- serably has this Jit/pc been disappointed ! J; has now i .•- c 2(5 all the talents; Who leaves one scheme another to begin, And drops a plot as serpents cast a skin. volved himself for ever in the desperate predicament of a faction, which his long political life had heretofore been uniformly employed in reprobating and exposing. It was not the slow prejudice of early education, nor the sudden impulse of casual passion ; it was the cold calculation of selfish policy, which drew him to desert his natural connec- tions and the rigid consistency of his character, that he might domineer over men whom he detested, and excel, as an enemy, him whom he could not equal, as a friend. He has now mixed his name and united his fortune with the de- testable H-w-ck — he has recommended men to the royal favor, whom he had once counselled his Sovereign to de- grade — he has insulted the Soveieign himself — he has de- scended to the despicable expedient of entrapping his sacred signature, and he has adopted the low cant of those politi- cal sportsmen, who make destruction an amusement, and hunt down Liberty with the cry of Independence. I really retain so much of my former regard for this unhappy noble- man, that I cannot yet speak of him with all that asperity, which, I hope he has still reason enough remaining to be convinced he deserves. Perhaps too, he may hereafter act in such a manner as shall make me lament I had said even thus little. Alas ! what is there on earth that can com- pensate for the forfeiture of that true integrity, which, while it exists independent of fortune or of station, renders •ill other dignity eventually subservient to its own. Perhaps it is not generally known that my Lord Gr-nv-lle A SATIRICAL POEM. 2J Vet who now heeds him ? Ev'ri his former friends, Renounce his tenets as they see his ends. Now scorn'd of all, no more to foes a dread, Say in what hollow shall he hide his head ? O titled fall ! O badly-barter'd name ! O, last sad relic of a frustrate aim ! Bedeckt with flow'rs and rich with broider'd gold, The sick man's splendid coverlet behold ; (an ancient noble) once actually quarrelled with my Lord H-w-ek, (not an ancient noble) because my Lord H-w-ck would not consent to make the plebeian Mr. Wh-tb~d — \Vhat ? Why Chancellor of the Exchequer ! I mention this incident merely to shew the difference between Lord Gr-n- v-lle of past days and the present nobleman of that name, But a still more melancholy instance of politica infatua- tion occurs in the good Bishop of L-nc-ln. This vene- rable divine,' — the tutor of Mr. Pitt, — and the friend and supporter of his pupil thlO* life, is, at this moment, (alas 1 let us pardon the weakness of age) the friend and supporter of Lord Gr-nv-lle ! 1 should be sorry to class together the Bishop and the Parson — or the mind, bed-ridden by time, and the heart lame by nature j but really I cannot avoid drawing odd comparisons between an obstinate T--ke, who unites with neither party, and a flexible Pr-ttym-n v>ho unites wuh both u J 28 ALL THE TALENTS ; -* ' — - - ~ But lo ! tho' round him richest tissue glares, The fester'd body tosses and despairs. SCRIBLERUS. Come Muse of Eulogy, who ply'st thy trade In flowr's of gauze and glories ready-made j Come, for my H-w — k needs thee— Come, but bring, A bunch of praises underneath thy wing. Mix up, * like modern novels, if you can, The sine labe momtrum of a man. * Like modern novels — whose heroes and heroines are ever the quintessence of perfection, if we except the per- sonal failings of the young lady, who possesses a body of the most delicate and complaining nature, and admi- rably expert in the feminine accomplishments of screaming and fainting. These * indispensable necessities, together with a few fits of delirium, and love the most sudden and unsophisticated, form the main prop of her character. Temperance, soberness and chastity, &c. come in as matter * The word which our late worthy Ministry always applied to their unconstitutional measures. A SATIRICAL POEM. 29 Let truth, wit, honor, all his soul compose, And lug in squeaking Virtue by the nose. Else let two shepherds sing him in a grove, And smooth the lay with interlarded love ; Whilst envious Philomel forbears her lays. And earless rills stand list'ning in amaze. POLYPUS. In vain, in vain on Eulogy you call, The goddess flies disgusted from them all. J'.\'n their best friends take no defensive part, But turn the topic with a» auk ward art. of course. As to the hero, he is always a youth of high qualifications and an easy flow of nonsense. He curses very prettily. Thunderbolts and the fixed stars are always at his elbow, and no man can sink himself to perdition with so fine a grace. The novels of Mi»s Edgeworth, howevt should be distinguished from the common class. Tl i - v,!.';U- they gratify the fancy, really inform the heart 30 ALL THE TALENTS ; SCRIBLERUS. Come, come, my friend, your muse is just aground ; Truce with the Talents — better themes abound. 5 till on this madness if your mind be bent, Mix method in't, and gall the government ; Make but the modern Ministry afraid, A pension follows, and your fortune's made. POLYPUS. I doubt the sequel, and the means I scorn • What ! like rash C d, shall I blindly horn ? Who buts at all things, heeds nor truth nor reason,, And talks much loyalty, but means much treason. SCRIBLERUS. Yet All the Talents tho' henceforth you spare, From Marquis * D — gl — s down to f Bob Ad — r> A SATIRICAL POF.M. 31 Tho' honest Gr-nv-lle from thy fang escape ; Who willing to make something by the scrape, Sought in his fall nor riches, toys, nor tags, But merely f wrote an order for old rags ; * D— gl-s. This humorous nobleman used to ride about Petersburg in a dress compounded of every costume in the known world. The natives made our noble ambassador a standing jest, and actually took him for a madman, which was but a bad guess, inasmuch as madmen really do possess a certain shrewdness on some subjects. f Bob Ad~r.~] The right pleasant expounder of Mr. Fox's letter to the Electors of Westminster. Rut Bob has lately obtained so much notoriety by the embassy to Petersburg, that I believe I shall leave Bob in the quiet enjoyment Of it. " Bob, Bob — there is melody, Sir, in the very name." Really it suits the man to a miracle. It is even more ex- pressive than Virgil's admired monosyllable, Procumbit humi Bos ! Procumbit humi Luu ! f Wrotean order for old rags.'] That is, he wrote an or- der for money to purchase paper, tho', of course, he did not mean to spend the money in any other manner. '1 he anecdote is worth recording. The firsl Lord of the Trea- sury i-> not allowed stationary in kind, like the arm) pay- ■r, but lias an annual allowance in money, i 3$ ALL THE TALENTS J Yet some sore truths of * H-k-sb-ry you might tell ; A lash at C-nn-nsc too methinks were well. POLYPUS. Yes, let his Lordship tremble, if a soul, Firm to withstand, and potent to controul, If tow'ring genius be a graceless thing, And worth that won the friendship of his King. Gr-nv-11-, therefore, when on the eve of dismissal from office, sent an order for the entire stipend of the second year, of which just one day more than a month had ex- pired ! His draft, however, was not accepted • and, I believe, it now lies at the office, in spite of his Lordship's anxious endeavours to reclaim the written testimony of his shrewd- ness. * H— k-sb~ry. No encomium of mine could add to the established reputation of his Lordship. He has indeed at- tained to that solid dignity of character, at which praise reases to be useful, and from which the shafts of malice fal} blunted to the ground, A SATIRICAL POEM. 33 SCRIBLERUS. Then seize on * Eld-n POLYPUS. Eld-n, without art, Firm, modest, able, integral of heart — SjCRIBLEItUS. Hash, hush — such honied phrases will not do. Dip 'em in gall, and Ch-th-m drag to view. * Eld-n. Lord Thurlow at a very early period saw and encouraged the rising abilities of this nobleman. Lord Eld-n's Datura] timidity, however, was always detrimental to him. 34 ALL THE TALENTS } POLYPUS. Retiring Ch-th-m, careless of the bay, Ferhaps may wish me silent when I say, That in the clear unclouded sun of mind, He nor to brother nor to sire resign'd. SCRIBLERUS. But who than * W-ll-sl-y seems more fit to maul } Pow'r he refuses, and the reason ? — P-ull ! * JV-ll-s— y.~\ Who will take up the cudgels for Mr. P-ull, and assault the noble Marquis now ? I sincerely hope that some one hardy enough will be found. " It will be argument for a week, laughter for a month, and a good jest for ever." Pen con^ois pour moi, la meilleure csperance du monde A SATIRICAL POEM. 35 POLYPUS. Yet he who proffer'd honors can withstand, While party soils him with her unwash'd hand, A silent inference to the heart affords, That moves more strongly than a thousand words. SCRIBLERUSL Strike then at R-se — POLYPUS. — What, strike true British stuff; The friend of Pitt, the foe — SCRIBLERUS. — Enough, enough. * Mr. R-se combines quickness and solidity in an emi- nent degree. His witty sayings are also remarkable. I do pot forget the #c<r and the Dickie 36 ALL THE TALENTS J A mere dull flatt'rer now methinks you seem, And more offensive in the worse extreme. * 'Tis strange the Town still presses to peruse The feeble efforts of so mean a muse, * 'Tis strange the Town still presses to peruse."] Much as I am anxious to account for the almost unprecedented suc- cess of my poem, on the score of its own merit, I fear I must confess that its chief popularity has arisen from the extreme unpopularity of those whom it satirises. The people being violently enraged against these unfortunate men, read my book to save themselves trouble, by gratify- ing their anger the shortest way. For they found in it all those characters ready-made, which each man had pictured in his mind, but could not conveniently express. I fancy I owe far more to the fidelity of my portraits than to the manner in which they are executed. It is certain that the deformities which disgust us in real life appear agreeable when imitated ; and if the copy be pleasing in proportion as the original is detestable, I own I should have had no possible excuse had I failed. Of the merits of the present Ministry it is yet too so©n to decide , but they have at least begun auspiciously, and \ think I may say of them without much partiality, that Laissant \?.jierte des paroles aux autres, C'est pars leurs actions qu'ils reprennent ics notrcs. Mo*. A SATIRICAL POEM. 37 Who, like a cur, as apt to fawn as bite, Divides her verse 'twixt flattery and spite. POLYPUS. Yet were I known, the world would soon descry, Xo private cause to praise or blame have I. SCRIBLERUS. And yet the World avers from Court it came, While B-lg-e or M-th-s bear the blame. Some lay the bantling down at C-nn— g's door, For say they shrewdly, " C~nn~g wrote befureJ" POLYPUS. Still let 'em guess, and happy is the bard, In days so dull to gain a short regard. O who can sny how days so dull may close, And when th' exhausted world will woo repose! 38 ALL THE TALENTS ; 1 1 ' ' ,'■•■ .■:.,.. i How strange and how perverse the passing times ! How big with wonders, and how black with crimes ! Now realms, like meteors, pass and disappear j Wars last a day, and truces hold a year ; * Yet not for towns or bound'ries is the strife. But for just order, liberty, and life. The social pact, not writ but understood, Sinks to first rights and individual good j Pow'r is the godhead, policy the creed, The height of human virtue — to succeed. To savage climes see social order run ; Dull villains thrive, and good men are uudone.f * Yet noi for towns, tsV.] Non agitur de vectigalibus, non de so* ciorum injuriis : libertas et anima nostra in dubio est. Sali.. f Dull villains thrive, &e.~\ There is, however> one ex- ception, in the calumniators of the P — ss of \V — s, who has at length obtained a signal triumph over them all. I wish 1 could add, a complete triumph ; but I shall never consider her R. H. as entirely exculpated, till the report of the pro- ceedings of the Secret Committee, with all its appendages, are submitted to public inspection. The looking-glass, — child, — blue sofa, — horse-chair, or whiskey, — the letter dated A SATIRICAL POEM. 39 Chivalric glory hides his cow 'ring head, And dark cold speculation arms instead. See, cheap as chaff, and marketable things, A wretch's breath turn traitors into kings. See, worse than traitors, public guardians stand, Adroit in all things but to guard the land ; Who left by treason, treason will not quit, But plot against themselves to prove their wit. True but to treach'ry, false by very creed, And vicious more from wantonness than need, To keep a promise they wou'd break an oath. But 'tis their usual way to laugh at both. * Here let me hold — tho' such men still remain, Thank heav'n, the world now holds 'em in disdain. 3 th March, 180/, fo fcc. 8sc. would famish a topic of pub- lic discussion for months together. * Here let me hold."] I now bid a tender adieu to my gt;od fnends All the Talents, Tender 1 say, because tho' 1 originally wrote against them with hatred in my heart, yet realty they have afforded me ^o much good sport d ■• ng the winter season, that (God forgive me) I cannot 40 ALL THE TALENTS ; When next my voice the public ear invades, May no curst faction call me from my shades ; avoid feeling a degree of affection for them. And after all, why should I not feel a regard for these human creatures, however noxious, as well as some men do for beasts and reptiles ? Is H-w— k, "W— d— m, or P-tty, more loathsome or destructive than a pet rat, a favorite spider, or a dearly- beloved monkey ? And if we descend from the animate to the inanimate creation, why may not one grow fond of Mr. \V--tb--d, as well as of a clumsy arm-chair or a pewter tan* kard ? I own my obligations to these gentlemen, and " care- less of what the cens'ring world may say," stand acquitted to my conscience, my country, and my King. If they have not enabled me to prove myself a poet, yet, by the sudden relinquishment of their places, they have made a prophet of me. Did I not say, " the present Ministry will not hold long," — which was a direct pred ; ction. Did I not also say, that " the summit of a wave is the most untenable situation in nature," — which was a broad hint ; and that " in place and out of place are different things,"— which was a sly, but deep insinuation. Whatever, then, the faults and enormities of these "spiritless and woe-begcne" gen- tlemen may have been, let us remember that they are now degraded and wretched ; and let us, by practising christian charity towards them, strengthen that religion which they had vainly endeavoured to violate. While the) still live, let us remember, if we can, that they are of the human species - } and when they die, let us allow tnem the rites of A SATIRICAL POTM. 41 But soon my muse may happy Albion call, When dove-ey'd Peace, lon^ hov'ring er the ball. All weak and panting from her circuit v. At length shall view the waves bebw ; le ; And downward turning as the hills disclose, On this blest spot her olive shall repose. human burial. Let us lay them, side by sice, in a place of sculls ; enclose the curious spot with nettles and ivy ; adorn it with a trophy of sky-rockets and woo len guns, and on a ei plain marble slab" inscribe this epitaph : HIC, " JACENT PEKITUS HEFOSSA TAIT-VTA. !" FINIS. Ti GiUct, Printer, Wild-court. UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. Fine schedule: 25 cents on first day overdue 50 cents on fourth day overdue One dollar on seventh day overdue. f£B6 1956 Lb D 21-100m-12,*46(A2012si6)41 M84819 THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY