THE MODERN HUDIBRAS. THE MODERN HUDIBRAS IN TWO CANTOS. LONDON: JOHN MURRAY, ALBEMARLE STREET. MDCCCXXXI. LONDON : C. ROWORTH AND SONS, BELL YARD, TEMPLE BAR. THE MODERN HUDIBRAS. CANTO I. The Knight, the Squire, the Beasts that bear 'em, Take measures to besiege Old Sarum. SING, MUSE, the wrath of , and so forth. Here's Hudibras again on earth. Who, after certain lapse of years, From time to time still reappears, In manner of the wandering Jew, To prove that there is nothing new : And happily his term arrives Oftener than bird who never wives, But burns instead, for reproduction,* (Strange converse of St. Paul's instruction,) * The Phoenix, according, I think, to the computation of the ancients, appeared only once in 500 years; but doubtless we shall have more exact details of its habits, when the natural his-^ tory belonging to The Library of Useful Knowledge shall be dif- fused, where this perverse peculiarity cannot fail to be noticed, of choosing to burn rather than to marry. Alas ! the poor Hindoo ladies do both. M235312 M ( 6 ) That only once in five whole ages Bespeaks a perch in Egypt's cages. Yet, as with India's sons and daughters, The total number of the Avatars Is not agreed on (those who wish news May read Sir William Jones for Vishnu's) ; So of our Knight 'tis doubtful too How often he's appear'd in view, Since, like his godship above cited, With many names his ear's delighted,* Quixote, of damsels and enchanters, Sir Hudibras, of crop-ear'd ranters, Sir Humbug, in familiar phrase, Might better suit him in these days, When such a stride is made in wit, That King 's an humbler name than Cit. But as of Vishnu there are ten More famed appearances to men, So of our Knight must all agree In reckoning these more noted three. Times may be changed, but let that pass, 'Tis still the same Sir Hudibras ; * " Oh, thou ! whatever title please thine ear." POPE. Vishnu is said to have a thousand names ; Apollo is also in- voked as the many-named God in some of the Greek Hymns ; but Isis in this respect takes precedence of both, being styled the Goddess of ten-thousand names. ( 7 ) With a new face 'tis our old friend, Same zeal, same ardour still to mend And aid the world, against their wishes ; Same relish still for loaves and fishes. Viatica stuffed then as now In holster or in saddle bow, To give him courage to be virtuous, And lest his pistols else might hurt us; Which makes some of his paunch complain As better furnished than his brain, Mere vulgar error, for his skull Is even to o'erflowing full, And lest one item should escape, Like trav'lling-coach has lost its shape, With capcase, swordcase, and imperial, Which make one think the soul material, Such bumps and bunches there are found, Phrenologists are quite aground : What's lost by lining trunks, and burning, Of deep and disputatious learning, Or of those lighter, airier fancies In tales of knighthood and romances, Is quite made up, in bulk and weight, By this tenth Muse that's born of late To the Political Economists, The very Puck of certain sunny mists ( 8 ) That lead bewilder'd folks astray, And make them think they see their way ; The full-dress'd and full-grown Minervae That in their birth turn topsy-turvy Heads whence they issue, for I call thus Those of Macaulay, Bentham, Malthus, Birkbeck, and Bowring, and Macculloch, Sages whose volumes have a dull look. Yet rank and file have ranged themselves In the Knight's memory or his shelves, And for " hypocrisy and nonsense, That had the advowson of his conscience," It may be thought, they've not, perhaps, Lost presentation by a lapse. Just at this time the Knight looks big, Ask you for why? He is a Whig : He is a Whig, and well connected, And therefore much may be expected ; Yet, though he prates about Reform, Some think that he's not over warm, For Revolution too patrician Sincerely in his heart to wish one. This makes his Squire most inconvenient, Who deems his measures over lenient, And snubs, and thwarts, and growls, and grunts, And calls in aid his H * * es and H * * ts : For as we've hail'd, fresh brought to light, Our own true old authentic Knight, So we might certainly depend on't, \; . To spy, ere long, his sworn attendant The Sancho, who, half rogue, half dupe, With saws and proverbs cock-a-hoop, Had on so many past occasions Almost exhausted knightly patience, Still clings to uttering words by rote, Though, varying less of late his note, " Ballot and universal suffrage" Now fill his patron with enough rage. The Ralpho, who, in twenty shapes, Had always got him into scrapes, In the same school once more has studied, Is still hot-headed and cold-blooded,* * Few who have been educated at Eton will have forgotten those ingenious lines, composed by a bard of early promise, for the 5th of November : " Guy Faux turpis erat, voluitque cremare senatum, Frigidus et calidus, turpis at ille fuit;" of which the apparently obscure antithesis was expounded by the author as embracing the qualities both of a cool designing villain, and of a hot-headed innovator and incendiary. ( 10 ) The self-same stubborn arguing dunce, Fanatic in religion once, And now fanatic in the state, With rooted, aye and branched hate, Sour Puritan that can engraft Clown's ignorance with Jesuit's craft. As for the hero of our poem, (And 'tis a trait by which we know him, Nor needs the likeness to disturb us, Pythagoras was once Euphorbus ;*) There is, as in the olden time, A certain mixture of sublime, Though very small's the step between Sublime and you know what I mean ; Some spice of gentlemanly breeding, Of chivalrous and rash proceeding, That in his worst extravagancia Recalls the hero of La Mancha ; And when he's cudgell'd makes us half Sorry to be obliged to laugh. But for this reptile in his train ; - He's quite insensible to pain ; * Ovid. Metam. As hardened and obtuse within As is his callous outward skin ; Nay, rather piques himself than not On all the cuffs that he has got ; Like feather bed that, in the making, Is still puffed up by blows and shaking. Now Ralph did for his Knight provide A scurvy Ass whereon to ride; Foundered, and jaded, broken-winded, A very sorry monture indeed, Which many think becomes him worse, For that he rode on his high horse Once with a troop of special gallants, Known by the name of All the Talents, Who since have had their napkin all At Michael Taylor's in Whitehall. Dubbed in the last gazette Right Honourable, Though to discern the reason none are able, Nestor of days when all allow Men giants were to what they're now. The Knight has got his beast rough shod, 'Tis a precaution some think odd, Though others deem it now-a-days The better course in slippery ways : Perchance 'tis to fulfil his vows* On the old site of Carlton House, By trotting to the Athenaeum, And there pronouncing his Te Deum. An ass is but a sensual creature, And gross and sordid in his nature ; And Ralpho was a wicked wag, So when he showed it the nose-bag, He would shout " Ballot" very slyly, Which the good Knight resented highly ; For the poor beast thereat would bray, Since ballot, it conceived, meant hay. Would bray so loud, so shake its sides, As made it hard for him that rides : Nay, sometimes would proceed to kick, Till 'twas past human power to stick; And hence this word, to our Knight-errant, Has much the sound of his death-warrant. Meanwhile, as the more precious load, The trusty Squire himself bestrode * It is scarcely necessary to remind the reader of those cele- brated vows of riding rough-shod through the palace in question ; nor to point out how, owing to its demolition, and conversion into a street, the privilege has not been restricted to the Whigs. ( 13 ) A sort of second self a Mule, Dull, cunning, obstinate, and cool ; So that he rode to his adventure Flesh of his flesh, like any centaur. Discussing first, in what direction They'll wage their war, or grant protection, Before them dimly flit the visions, Conflicting glories ! of Parisians, Cockney apothecaries'-boys* Who, raising patriotic noise, Have lately purg'd and bled their nation Quite to a new regeneration ; Of Belgians, Mexicans, and Poles, (State partnerships dissolved !) brave souls, Who set their interests at defiance, And are grand objects of alliance. But yet more warmly the heart speaks At the sweet classic name of Greeks, Of folks in arum and in orum, * L'Ecole de Medicine took so forward a part in the three glo- rious days, that four crosses of the Legion of Honour were set apart for its worthies, and they paid their visits to the citizen- king until he considered himself sufficiently recovered to dispense with their advice and attendance by a decree. ( 14 was all To choose their seat of war ad libitum, And not a creature to prohibit 'em From marching to relief of Sparta, Champions of Volo and of Arta, Of folks in orum and in arum Ralph caught the sound, and cried " Old Sarum! " This is the key of all positions, " Whether of Belgians or of Grecians; " And though 'twere strong as twenty Troys, " I and my 'pothecaries'-boys* " Will" (and he here became emphatic) " Sow it with salt but not with Attic " Devoted Borough! There we'll reap, " Not grass though much grows there for sheep " But glory more, and danger too, " Than Blenheim, or than Waterloo. * The " Ecole de Medicine" in this country seems to be as prolific of patriots as elsewhere ; our worthy county member may be considered, like Apollo, as the double personification of Light and of Physic. The writer of the Lancet is also editor of the paper called The Ballot; and if we may trust to the Morning Herald's report, the medical students of the London University showed, only a few days since, a very laudable zeal for their rights and liberties. " The medical students of this Metropolis seem, like their brethren at Paris, somewhat prone to rupture. At the London University, on Monday, they came to what may be called a general strike ; while, at the College of Surgeons, on the same day, they entered into a somewhat equivocal resolve, that the whole profession ' were (not " ought to be") gentlemen !' "Morning Herald, Feb. 17, 1831.. ( 15 ) " Mark then these words, Sir Knight, and bear'em " In mind, ' Delenda est Old Sarum!' " At this the Knight, who seem'd to feel Small share of his intemperate zeal, Echoed, with eyes upturn'd and saintly, " Delenda est Old Sarum .'" faintly. But once, the resolution taken, Confederacy form'd, hands shaken, Enthusiasm seiz'd them both, And they'd confirm'd it with an oath, But dreaded Charles Wynn's interference, Who might have changed it in a year hence. Yet with a prospect full in view, So black aye more so black and blue Of difficulties and of danger, As might force tears from any stranger, Where ev'n Ulysses had been melted,* Our gallant Knight severely felt it, (Though Ralpho, strange to these fine feelings, Had cut him short in his bewailings,) Not for himself, for sweet Sir Hudy Had a flirtation with his Goody, * Virg. ( 16 ) Though in all innocence and honor. Can he do less than call upon her To bid one tender fond farewell ? Perhaps the last ! For who can tell ? Perhaps the last I That thought unmann'd His heart, and quite unnerved his hand. Big tears stood smarting in the lid, And into action called unhid The better feelings of his nature, At parting from this faithful creature, Who seem'd like helpmate that deplored The partner both of Bench and Board. Whence, spite of bitter taunts from Ralph, Who now well knew he'd got him safe, This scene and other thoughts domestic So sunk his zeal enthusiastic, That at the last forth went our Hero With heart and courage down at Zero. The Squire first started (trotting? not he ) A difficulty grave and knotty, Which held them stationary still, Since such was cither's charger's will, While thus said Squire detail'd his scruple As though the Knight had been his pupil. ( 17 ) " Though I know well that without flogging " There's not a hope to set them jogging, " Still, for example's sake at least, " I would not choose to flog my beast. " We who have still gone hand in hand " To abolish whips by sea and land, " Who have forbid the banns, by water, " Betwixt Jack Tar and gunner's daughter !* " How could I Knightsbridge barracks pass " Lashing my mule and thou thine ass? " Though I could prove past all dispute " That this and thy more docile brute " Were creatures of another breeding : " Yet I would scorn such special pleading. " No. Let us hope the day will come " When cat-o'-nine-tails shall lie mum " With the lost arts; nay, so put down, dead, " Extinct, forgotten, and confounded, " That Zoological directors, " And Geologians, at their lectures, " Shall make it fully understood " That 'twas a beast before the Flood, " And seek it petrified in stones * See the explanation of this sea term in one of Lord Byron's letters, contained in Mr. Moore's last volume. ( 18 ) " With zoophytes and mammoth's bones ; " Proving by chains of reasoning that " It was a true substantial cat, " By 'analogy, which never fails, " That what's nine lives has got nine tails." In contemplation of this fossil He paus'd and paus'd their beasts so docile,- They paus'd, and would have paus'd till now, But Ralpho found the expedient how Briefly to cut short all demur. " Though flog we must not, we may spur" Was his conciliating suggestion, And settled by a kick the question. At their first step they met a curate, I do believe a very poor rat, Not Horace could take more to heart The snake that made the ponies start,* Than Ralpho did this Reverend Pastor, Untoward omen of disaster : Loud thereupon he shouts " No Tithes !" At which, disturb'd, his chieftain writhes, * Rumpit et serpens iter institutum, Si per obliquum, similis sagittae, Terruit marmos." Hor. Ode iii. 27, ( 19 ) And almost loses Christian patience At thought of lay impropriations, Perpetual curacies, advowsons, The old possessions of his house once, Which he sees plainly Ralph will get To share amongst his hungry set. Sad outset! He'd felt some misgivings, 'Tis true, on score of lands and livings, But thought in's wisdom the day distant, Which makes him curse his prompt assistant, And fell to musing melancholy On rare extent of human folly, But whether Ralpho's, or his own, To none but to himself is known. The Squire, who deem'd it most offensive To see one so absorb'd and pensive, Most promptly, as he judg'd it right, meant To give him somewhat of excitement, And therefore suddenly preferr'd Hisomi'nous and obnoxious word: As name of Sesame unlocks, In tales Arabian, solid rocks, And opens ways for man to pass, So Ballot opens mouth of ass, ( 20 ) Making the restive beast rejoice, As is his wont, with heels and voice ; And lest this old device should fail, Ralph claps a furze-bush to his tail. His rider, who was sitting loosely, From meditating so abstrusely, At once lost balance, temper, seat, And all but honour, in the street; But as he fell he caught the " varmint" By hem of his most fustian garment, So that he drew him neck and crop Off of his saddle upon top. And most think he'd himself been dead, Had he not lighted on his head, And hence the wonderful De Ville With half a ringer now can feel The organic bump of equitation Develop'd there to admiration. Though both were tumbled in the dirt, Ralpho was neither shamed nor hurt ; Accustom'd as he was, no wonder And 'twas his worship that lay under, Bespatter'd, and in sorry case, With shoes plebeian on his face, ( 21 ) So, as of old he well knew " whether " Said shoe was Spanish or neat's leather," In blacking now a nice discerner, He knows at once friend Hunt from Turner. Brentford's the scene of all this murther, The adventurous pair have jogg'd no further; Yet will the patriot none the less Misdoubt of ultimate success. The advance of great things, as we know, Is at the first exceeding slow ; And 'tis observed, that in all ages Great wits, like these, have made short stages Witness that famed Brundusian journey Of Horace with his Greek attorney.* Attorney! why, he styles him Rhetor, Which falls less pat into my metre ;f Yet possibly he was no higher (Even now attornies write Esquire). Be't how it may ! 'tis plain this lawyer Charged by the day to his employer, * " Rhetor comes Heliodorus Graecorum longfe doctissimus." Hor. S. i. 5. f Be it recollected that the convenient precedent of " Quod versu dicere non est" is found in this very poem. ( 22 ) Although it might not please the poet That all posterity should know it. 'Twas where yet uncashier'd there swings The immortal sign of the Three Kings, (Which answers to the Tres Tabernae Of the more classic Appian journey,) Three so that Poland, Belgium, Greece, Here may at once find one apiece, Since all those prosperous states have yet Their bills upon them" To be Let : " For terms, apply, jSirs, as before, " At Louis Philip's,* the next door." Who dreads a neighbour, yet allows That one's oft robb'd from empty house, And therefore, though he still objects To whomsoe'er Vansneak*f* elects, Yet vows he wishes it decided, But Heaven knows how and would that I did ! Ralpho, 'tis true, looks somewhat surly At sounding the retreat thus early ; Eyeing the Sign as with a grutch, And muttering " Three is Three too much" * Quaere, if this should not be written Phil/ips. f An orator whose name makes a distinguished figure in the Belgian debates. But, what with weariness and bruises, Sir Hudy to remount refuses, And wistfully surveys mine host, As though he longed for tea and toast. But Ralph, who deems it most advisable To abstain from all that is exciseable, 'Gainst which the Agitator's thunders, Denounced elsewhere, have done such wonders ; Nor can imagine what his flesh meant By sensual yearnings for refreshment ; Since his expedients quick as thought are, Prescribes a draught of pure Thames water, Purer and cleaner, let us hope, Than what the solar microscope Exhibits, to the eternal damming Of every conscientious Brahmin, Where little myriads in the cup Dance first, then eat each other up. When Liberty's the word, it means None argues, and none contravenes, The strongest dictates to the -weakest, Hence 'twas the Knight forbore the tea-chest ; Heart ill at ease, and broken head, He slunk off supperless to bed. While Ralpho, laughing in his sleeve, Squat, like the toad, at ear of Eve, For Lullaby sung loud and deep, " Ballot, my babe, lie still and sleep."* * Few readers, I apprehend, will need to have pointed out to them the opening of Lady Anne BothwelTs Lament, which begins, " Ballow, my babe, lie still and sleep, It grieves me sair to see thee weep." But should there be any one to whom it is new, he is to be envied the first perusal of a song perhaps the most beautifully pathetic, both for the thought and the expression, that is to be found hi any language. CANTO II. What happen'd on the road from London. And how they left their project undone. AWAKE, my St. John ! Rub thy stuff, Open the back, produce a slough ! Complacent view th' effect with pleasure, And call this still thy healing measure. Rival or mimic of state quacks, Who fret a sore upon our backs, With nostrums which they all can tell, Will make us better far then well, Then souse upon the afflicted part The cabbage,* with a bounteous heart, * " But souse the cabbage with a bounteous heart." Pope. " A learned friend observes, that he has read of a family in Savoy, who bore for their arms a cabbage proper, with the motto, " Tout n'est qu'abus." Todd's Johnsons Dictionary. Since some of our great reformers have still in all proba- bility their arms and mottoes to choose, the above is respect- fully recommended to them. For the medical application of Cabbage, and the hundred- pounds-worth of sore, see a late remarkable trial. ( 26 ) And swear they'd give an hundred pound To see so promising a wound. Awake ! and wake, ye slumbering pair ! The dustman snuffs the morning air, The sweep his brush and soot- bag brings, And like the lark he mounts and sings. Ralpho, arise ! Sir Knight, come forth ! Like Hercules go purge the earth, And take with demigods thy place ; Old Sarum totters to its base. And ye! the snowy-feather'd flock, Sole garrison t' avert the shock, (Seeing that sheep make no resistance, And Mr. Mayor lives at a distance,) Once sacred to Jove Cap'tolinus, But to St. Michael now, to dine us ; Who there, as in the golden age, Crop the green herb, not sparing Sage, Which takes revenge on Goose, in shape Of stuffing, as on Goat the Grape* With patriot cackling guard your home, And save Old Sarum, as Old Rome ! * All who are conversant with the Greek Anthology, or the translations from it, ancient and modern, will recollect the epigram on the Goat browsing the Vine. ( 27 ) To horse ! cries Ralph, though some affirm That Ass is the generic term ; (There lurks no satire in that line, The assertion is Buffon's,* not mine, Although the ground on which 't was made, is Not such as I can state to ladies.) If it in truth be so, the word Was doubly in this case absurd, Since there stood large as life, and ready, With undeniable ears, the Neddy ; Which ears, howbeit he bestows, Laid back upon his neck so close As is to practised eye suspicious Of some small leaning to be vicious. This, and the recent recollection Of yester-evening's disaffection, The thought too, that his Squire was still able To excite him with his d d dissyllable, Motives combined, so disinclined The prudent Knight to all ass kind, That he could be on no account Prevailed on, or constrained to mount : Prepared to trudge back through the dirt. Rather than take some grievous hurt. See Buffon, article Ass. ( 28 ) Ralpho was stunn'd, and in despair, To see evaporate in air His own enthusiastic scheme Escap'd from the Knight's head, like steam Which uncompressed, however warm, Has power to do nor good nor harm, Though, pent up tightly in the piston, 'T has ten-horse power for to assist one. " Sir Knight," says he, " my mule is strong, " His pace is safe, his back is long, " Sure 't were compendious, and less trouble, " Methinks, that he should carry double. " You may sit unconcerned and idle, " Whilst I, as pilot, steer the bridle. " Or if there be some etiquette " By which that's not relinquished yet ; " You still can hold it for appearance, " With but occasional interference, " If with too leisure pace you plod, " Or, Homer-like, should seem to nod." Agreed, that Ralph shall sit in front, Controul the spur, and bear the brunt ; While 's worship stickles for the rein, With gentler purpose to restrain. ( 29 ) So here's Sir Hudy perched en-croupe, And Ralph once more sits cock-a-hoop ; Bent still on his crusade, and eager As Cceur-de-Lion to beleager ! Close at the door they met a Jew Selling old clothes as good as new, That nothing of the Jew appear'd In all his dealings, but his beard. " I cannot bate that sAixpence, SAir, " Look at the skirt, the cuffs, the fur, " It is h ash good as Joseph's* coat ; " I cannot. But had / vote, " 'Twere yours" and there his voice he lower'd, And added " gratis/*." Quite o'erpower'd. " Poor Jew!" cried Ralpho and " Poor Jew!" Echoed his plaintive master too. The other party to that bargain, On which the Israelite was argu'ing, * Since there are many Josephs of more or less celebrity, it might seem uncertain which is here referred to; all modern allusion, however, is disclaimed, and the Patriarch's coat is certainly that here eulogized by his descendant ; but whether that of many colors, or that left in the hand of Potiphar*s wife, may admit of dispute. ( 30 ) Was a lank youth with aspect pallid, One of a trio lean and squalid, With hands dyed half a shade less deep, Yet more in grain, than chimney-sweep, Whom men call " Gentlemen o' th' Press," And they proclaim themselves no less, Though Printers and the Gods, we 're told, Still style them Devils, as of old : These three were of the last edition, And scarce inferior to Parisian,* Those hotpressed patriots who have earn'd Such glory, when their hands they turn'd From setting types to breaking bones, And lithograph'd with paving-stones. From their out-sides, you 'd scarce believe it That these are Gentlemen by brevet, Nor from their in, that they 've dominion, Without appeal, on all opinion, Be 't speculative, or be 't critical, Or theologic, or political, All, all a sort of fourth estate, That seems, like the lean kine, of late * The exploits of the Parisian Printers have been since re- corded, like Caesar's, in their own Commentaries. ( 31 ) To swallow up and to digest Whate'er is left of all the rest. Whether domestic or exotic No dynasty is so despotic. These Incas, or pronounce it Inkers, Are both free-writers and free-thinkers, Their very daily bread is libel, Their manual the Reformer's Bible.* All the night long they have work'd hard To bring to light a choice placard, Which dawn exhibits in large letters Upon dead walls and rotten shutters Addressed to all the laboring classes, (There prov'd worse-us'd than dogs or asses,) Aud very pointedly indeed To such as neither write nor read. With such an audience, so delectable, So wise, enlighten'd, and respectable, Who could forbear the cause to press Of weak and innocent distress ? * The extraordinary Black-book, usually called the Reformer's Bible, (from which, had there been time, I would willingly have enriched ray notes,) is the title by which the last edition was an- nounced of a work, in which there appear to be mis-statements and inaccuracies in every page. Not Ralpho. Who address'd the trio With all the eloquence of D. O., That most renown'd of agitators, Who till of late has rode his great horse, And gain'd for Pat what now anon Our Ralph would gain for Solomon. " Is it not most unconstitutional, " That in that House which is pollution all, " Where every interest 's fain to give " Its proper Representative, " Whilst land and sugars send so many, " The Old-clothes-interest has not any, " Unless it be Sir Charles's breeches " Which gape so widely in his speeches ? " Can we, sirs, to invest refuse, " No not our money but our Jews, " Those" (and he here appeared to touch " Some chord) " to whom we owe so much, " Whose interest nay, sirs, do not start " We feel so deeply all at heart, " With every franchise, boon, or privilege " Which Jew can long for in this civil age ?" The Knight, who listened all the while With the most sweet assenting smile, ( 33 ) Seems from behind to grow the bolder, And pats his Squire upon the shoulder, Takes the cause warmly, nay, subscribes From 's purse to find the ten lost Tribes, That all may share this boon of freedom, Whether from Israel or from Edom.* Rais'd in the scale of beings, now Th' elated Jew no more cries " Clou !" But with such Christian accent " Clothes!" As made a sinecure of 's nose, And all his rags henceforth are flung With such an air as Virgil's dung/f* " Mount up behind, and jog with us, " While still your prospects we '11 discuss " As we proceed upon our road ; " Our beast is equal to the load." Were the kind words both Squire and Knight Pronounc'd to assure the Israelite. * England and Scotland are designated as Israel and Edom by Dryden in the Absalom and Achitophel. f See Addison's remarks on the Georgics, where he says that Virgil seems to " toss his dung about with an air of graceful- ness." ( 34 ) 'Twas well that this mule's chine was long, As hath before been said or sung, For the sly Hebrew, nothing loth, Soon took his perch behind them both, And, to support him firmly, placed His griping hand round Hudy's waist, So that this ill-conditionM hack Had now, assembled on his back, Full half as many as they '11 tell ye The Trojan horse had in his belly, Heroes all bent on the undoing Of City which they Ve vow'd to ruin. But this triumvirate was short, Since Devils still will have their sport (Of Printers or of Pandaemonium, All share alike the same encomium, Since it appears, that in both shapes They live by getting folks in scrapes,) Having smelt out, by some sly ruse, That, though agreed upon the Jews, And like two bodies with one mind, (Where two ride, one must sit behind,* * A remark first, I believe, politically applied by Dr. Johnson. ( 35 ) Unless where paniers are contrived ; And coalitions are short-lived.) Having smelt out, I say, that Ballot Was not exactly to the palate Of him, whose feelings in accord are With those of his more knightly order. Alas for Hudibras ! They felt Implacable desire to pelt, And selfish Ralpho only sign'd That they should do it from behind, So that he sat in perfect shelter From every missile of the pelter, All being intercepted quite, By the broad shoulders of the knight, And went upon his way rejoicing, The which his master had no voice in. At the first whistling of this shower, Ere yet the storm began to lower, As bustling Pismire hastes to drag Its egg, so snatched the Jew his bag, Which he to civil rights preferr'd, And dropped from th' tail without a word. Then mutter'd in an under tone Something about " being let aloan" And meekly added, " I 'm aware " That 't were unjust to take my share " In all this tumult of applause " Which your enlighten'd conduct draws. " No. Gentlemen, I will not rob ye ; " Ride on copartners of your hobby. " Lest these," and here the wight withdrew, " Take me for a Reformer too."* Base Jew ! exclaim'd the Knight, but mud Here stopp'd his mouth, and staunch'd a flood Of tears, which tragic patriots keep To meet the stage-direction ' weep' While coarser Ralpho curs'd the Jewry And fell into extatic fury. All conduct more or less outrageous Is by experience found contagious, Hence, since this pelting seem'd to work well, There gather'd an augmented circle, . Enlighten'd all (although their clothing, The Jew said, was worth next to nothing ;) Some from the London University ,f Whose graduate fees will reimburse it ye, * Ex his, qui in porticibus spatiabantur, lapides in Eumol- pum recitantem miserunt. At ille, qui plausum ingenii sui noverat, operuit caput, extraque templum profugit. Timui ego, ne me poetam vocarent. Petron. Sat. 90. f It has been announced within the last ten days, that ( 37 ) For now the shares are at a premium, And as for students they can steam ye 'em Quite to the top of useful knowledge, Without the rigors of a college, Or the Rotunda at Blackfriars, Where they are taught to doubt Hell-fires, But though they make great progress, few get To doubt of Bridewell or of Newgate. - Or the Mechanics Institution, Where W * * gave his elocution To induce his audience day by day To emigrate without delay, By which said audience was diminish'd; Since some went out ere lecture finish'd. A mixed and miscellaneous race, From each and every several place Of unsound* learning in the nation, And irreligious education, Here met; a most distinguished rabble To hoot, and roar, and screech, and gabble. this society is to confer degrees on all branches of learning except Theology. * A blessing is implored upon " All places of sound learning and religious education," in the University-(wo< of London )~prayer before sermon. ( 38 ) Ralpho was pleased to see such vigour, And in his heart felt all the bigger, For he'd misgivings on his mind That's better half might feel inclined To slip off, like the Jew behind, Wherefore he saw 'twas all in all To embody this Garde National, Which on occasion awes its chief Much more than rioter or thief. " Truce Truce my friends, the field of glory " Lies open, and spreads wide before ye, " And, what we conquer and subdue " We assign it all in fee to you." Were words most forcibly appealing To men of patriotic feeling, Who are not of such dogs as follow The game they 're not allow'd to swallow. O such a train from jail or pillory, For sappers, miners, and artillery, Were here enlisted and embodied, That Ralpho quite affects the godhead, And would have fain proclaim'd his coming With martial trumpeting and drumming ! Had he had drums, I do suspect . They had play'd the march of intellect, 1 More spirit-stirring, aye, and brisker Than Bluebeard, or than Lodoiska. Ribbons, 'twas fear'd that, since free trade, Hardly sufficient now were made To furnish out a full cockade. Yet, without colours, all recruiting Must stand on a degraded footing ; (Mayhap, 'twas lack of these made Falstaff Shirk Coventry with troops and all staff.) The old Fool'g-colours will not do, Since those are stinted still to two, As in comparative degree; Superlative there must be three, The same which he of the Exchequer, A greater man than Pitt or Neckar, If that we may presume to judge it By the display of Friday's Budget, (Which, with its juggling apparatus, Rather ' ostensus'* was than ' datus,' And screw'd up to the power calFd N th , Held out yet less than Charles the Tenth, Only from Friday till the Monday, Which I compute is less, by one day.) * " Magis ostensus quara datus," is the epitaph in St. Peter's, on a Pope whose reign lasted only a few days. ( 40 ) Vaunted with so much pride and pleasure, That Ralpho seized them as a treasure, Furnish'd a topknot for his castor, And one for his redoubted master; And to a broom-stick tied a streamer, That might suffice for any steamer. Full of high hopes, in loose array The belle jeunesse now leads the way As escort, while the heroic pair Put on the most united air ; But, just as with the twins of Siam, The belly is the link to tie 'em, So these, were 't not for loaves and fishes, Have small community of wishes. As Pantaloon keeps liveried Clown, Who kicks his breech and knocks him down, Still undischarged, and as his valet, To the conclusion of the ballet; So, for the public good, this couple To mutual rubs discreetly supple, Dissembling quite their lovers -quarrels, Make one reform-gun of two barrels, Which, if it be percussion-lock' 'd, Must be already full half-cock'd, By those who now have sworn their Oath Of fast allegiance to them both, ( 4-1 ) (Number, perhaps, nineteen or twenty, As with the Prince of Benavente,)* And straggling onwards, rank and file, From Brentford reach full half a mile. Now Hounslow Heath did still exhibit Th* abhorr'd memento of a gibbet, Although of bodies or of chains There hung of late there no remains : The gibbet's an abomination To all trainbands of reformation; (Ancestral sepulchre to some, Omen to more of days to come,) For trees of liberty, 'tis said, Oft furnish timber whence 'tis made ; Hence, by zeal philanthropic urg'd, With one accord they all diverg'd, This hateful symbol to uproot, And where head should be, set their foot. Refresh'd with gin, and arm'd with rope, They 've dragg'd and burnt it, like the Pope, In days when Popes still ran the risk on't, And Faux or Vaux was at a discount. * This title was, I believe, changed on the accession of Louis XVIII. the epoch of one of these numerous swearings and counter-swearings. ( 42 ) Meanwhile the Knight proclaims aloud, Most popularly, to the crowd, That " none in golden aftertimes " Shall swing for petty venial crimes, " Such as mere housebreaking and forging.' So, now 'tis cheap, they call for more gin, And swear, like Hannibal at th' altar, Eternal hatred to the halter. Ralpho with this drinks off his noggin, And on they set, most friendly jogging. All in good humour with this feat, Sir Hudibras, till now discreet, And passing secret, first began T' unfold his Panacean plan. But 'twas envelop'd in such tropes, Such views sublime, such abstract hopes, That though expounded as from pulpit, And all their mouths agape to gulp it, Not one could understand a word Of all th' harangue which they had heard; And though he swore 'twas satisfactory, His audience soon grew most refractory. " Is this," said Ralpho, " your reform?" With voice that seem'd to bode a storm, ( 45 ) " Is it for this I've been thy tool, " And mount thee on my trusty mule? " What ! no campaign beyond Old Sarum ! " If these be your views, pray declare 'em. " Bad gen'ralship 't might well appear, " To leave such fastness in our rear, " But, if 'twere not for a beginning, " Old Sarum is not worth the winning." Sir Hudibras, in hopes to appease him, Started a view he thought might please him, For cocknies could sometimes as far get, (Ere passengers were tax'd,) as Margate; Or make some coach their chaise marine, To whirl them dusty to the Steyne ; Hence for th' enfranchisement of Brighton * Ralpho would plead, like any Triton. The Knight too, not behind in cunning, To see which way the tide was running, Thought little less of the Pavilion Than of the wishes of the million. Ralpho seems not to be alone in his views, one of the latest reform meetings, of which details have been published in the papers, was held with great applause at Brighton. . ( 44 ) " For shame," says he, " that, whilst a hovel, " Scarce twice as big as yonder shovel," (Meaning a coal-box all the time, But that it won't so aptly rhyme;) " Confers a franchise on its owner, " Bathing machines, alas ! alone are " Debarr'd their rights by some proscription, " And held in bondage quite Egyptian?" He'd have continued, by declaring Views statesman-like in every bearing, Perhaps the finest of his works, Equal to Sheridan's or Burke's, Had not Ralph growl'd, " It must and shall out," And stopp'd him short by crying, " Ballot!" " None of your patching, cobbling, creeping ! " I must have measures broad and sweeping. " Your piddling remedies I curse all, " I must have suffrage universal; " And as for Parliaments, depend on't," Loud and emphatic swore the attendant, " I'll raise them annual, like potatoes, " A little senate, pure as Cato's." His worship feign'd as though he smil'd, To see his helpmate run thus wild, And, lest he should be seen to wince, Sat perpendicular as Prince, ( 45 ) Though not so happy,* as I judge, For, with a sly and cautious nudge, " Ralph," whispers he, " when all's at stake, " Do you forbear, for mercy's sake !" But there was muttering in the crowd, That grew both ominous and loud, And Ralpho, who among the first Was ready quite with rage to burst, " So sure," cries he, " as God's in Gloster, " This man is a most vile impostor." " Soft !" cries the Knight, " go slow and safe." " No Go the d Ts own pace," says Ralph. On that the rogues shout, " whip behind!" Which cry 's a picture of mankind ; For in a chaise-pursuing group, All eager, one 's no sooner up, Than those, who tried the self-same feat, Cry " whip behind," to get him beat: And so, perchance, in th' present case, 'Twas envy at his worship's place. * 'As happy and perpendicular as a Prince,' is, I think, an expression of Sterne. But this is not the moment for Princes; none of them just now can be supposed very happy, and very few quite perpendicular. ( 46 .) While from that hint the Squire concluded That only one should ride where two did. Whip he had none, but still the but- End of his own hard occiput, Jobbed back against his patron's nose, Was as effectual quite as blows, For by that ill-advised proceeding He set said nose profusely bleeding. It is remark'd that sight of blood Excites to more ferocious mood All wild unmanageble creatures Of savage and carniv'rous natures, And so 't was with this body-guard, Who 'gan to think it wondrous hard That, in the project which he styles his, Ralph had said nothing of St. Giles's, Nothing of Wapping, not a word Of Blackwall or of Shoreditch heard, All places which they were intent To canvass or to represent. Then some would vote by metal cheques* And some admit the softer sex, * See the ingenious circular on this subject by Mr. James Barron, Brass and Blind Manufacturer, with the plan of a townhall of his own contrivance, and specimen tickets for Captain A., Mr. B. and Lord C. ( 47 ) Children and all the junior branches Some stoutly urg'd should have the franchise, Witness the Polytechnic schools, And why not Bedlamites and Fools ? Then, not a compliment in money ! No meat ; nor drink! Why fie upon ye! No chaises constables cockades ! Why what will come of all the Trades ? Notions like these excited murmurs In the great body of reformers. Ralpho address'd them all the while With words as smooth and clear as oil, But oil, which on the troubled ocean Will still its waves and stay its motion, Same oil, I say, when thrown on fire, Will only make it blaze the higher, And soon, 't was plain, the bold attendant Had lost all vestige of ascendant. In place of mud, and sprats, and gudgeons, See brick-bats hurl'd, and brandished bludgeons, And flying stocks and stones made more fuss Than when of old they hustled Orpheus, That " had I Homer's pen,"* I'd write Each wound contracted in the fight : * Parnell. ( 48 ) But sad detail of blows and bruises 1 leave to more dissectitig* muses, Or lib'ral writer of the Lancet,f Who by description can enhance it. For this last scene of Ralph and Hudy Would seem so parainountly bloody, That even Titus Andronicus As mirth and comedy would strike us. Both Knight and Squire were in a moment Unhors'd, without a note or comment, Turn'd upside down, trod under foot, And kick'd and spit upon to boot; While they of th* Press,J whose prowess drains Rather their inkhorns than their veins, Withdrew some little from the scene To indite a special bulletin. * Milton has set the example, Par. Lost, book ix. : " Not sedulous by nature to indite " Wars hitherto the only argument " Heroic deem'd ; chief mast'ry to ' dissect,' " With long and tedious havoc, fabled Knights," &c. f The radico-medico-surgico-periodical before referred to. % " Others apart sat on a hill retired In thoughts more elevate, &c." Par. Lost, ii. ( 49 ) For soon much wider spread the flame, And all one general fight became, Where blow was still on blow redoubled, All followed suit since 't was a club led, Whose every stroke sufficed to crack a rib, Till, like the host of King Sennacherib, They lay so dead to outward seeming, You 'd not suspect them much of dreaming; Not quite defunct, I could dare swear, Yet, looking just as though they were, 'Twas asked, what could be the objection To take their bodies for dissection : In more imperative and sharper tone, One voice laid claim to them 'twas W * * *, Not he of the " Divine Legation," But he of A na to mi zation, Who, Noah-like, will leave behind Heirs of his body all mankind,* Claim'd them, as Priam did his Hector, Whom none then smoked for a dissector. * I feel convinced it will be recollected that this handsome present (though by necessity a posthumous one and in futuro) was announced amidst the acclamations of an anatomy-meeting last year. ( 50 ) What obsequies, what funeral games, What " evergreens"* adorn their names, All this in silence I will pass, And who succeeds to mule or ass, What destinies await Old Sarum, 'Tis not my purpose to declare 'em. Troy is not taken in the Iliad. And, in the way of protest, will I add, My Cantos are the no less Epic Though people fall in quarrels they pick ; For proof that this is no misnomer I '11 turn you to our English Homer, Where 'tis Old Nick that gets the better, And I 've observ'd this to the letter, Since the sole gain from all these evils Accrues to aforesaid printer's Devils; The archenemy, incarnate Legion, Still first and foremost to besiege one, Who have " the world before them," all Just ready for a second Fall, And of that Crab of Knowledge crude, Which, serpent-like, they palm for good, * Cocknice for laureh ; see the maiden-speech lately pro- nounced by a celebrated orator. (Though, without graft of better fruit, 'Tis poisonous, aye, both branch and root,) Just pluck enough, both ripe and rotten, To make the Tree of Life forgotten. THE END. LONDON: C. ROWORTH AND SONS, BELL YARD, TKMPLX BAR. Syracuse, N. Y. Stockton, Calif. THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA UBRARY