LIBRARY 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA. 
 
 Gl FT OF 
 
 . . . 
 
THE 
 
 MODERN PHILOSOPHER; 
 
 TERRIBLE TRACTORATION! 
 
 IN FOUR CANTOS, 
 
 MOST RESPECTFULLY ADDRESSED TO THE ROYAL COL 
 LEGE OF PHYSICIANS, LONDON. 
 
 BY CHRISTOPHER CAUSTICK, 
 
 M. D. A.S.S. 
 
 FELLOW OF THE ROYAL COLLEGE OF PHYSICIANS, ABER 
 DEEN, AND HONORARY MEMBER OF NO LESS THAN 
 NINETEEN VERY LEARNED SOCIETIES. 
 
 SECOND AMERICAN EDITION, 
 
 REVISED, CORRECTED, AND MUCH ENLARGED 
 BY THE AUTHOR. 
 
 PHILADELPHIA : 
 
 FROM THE LORENZO PRESS OF E. BRONSON. 
 1806. 
 

 
 
 DISTRICT OF PENNSYLVANIA, TO WIT i 
 
 BE IT REMEMBERED, that on the eleventh day of 
 (L. S.) June, in the thirtieth year of the independence of the United 
 States of America, A. D. 1806, Thomas Green Fessenden, 
 of the said district, hath deposited in this office the title of a book, 
 the right whereof he claims as author, in the words following, to 
 wit : 
 
 * The Modern Philosopher, or Terrible Tractoration ! in four 
 cantos, most respectfully addressed to the royal college of phy 
 sicians, London. By Christopher Caustick, M. D. A.S.S. Fellow of 
 the Royal College of Physicians, Aberdeen, and honorary mem 
 ber of no less than nineteen very learned societies. Second 
 American edition, revised, corrected, and much enlarged by the 
 author." 
 
 In conformity to the act of the congress of the United States, 
 entitled, " An act for the encouragement of learning, by securing 
 the copies of maps, charts, and books, to the authors and proprietors 
 of such copies during the times therein mentioned." And also to 
 the act, entitled " An act supplementary to an act, entitled, " An 
 act for the encouragement of learning, by securing the copies of 
 maps, charts, and books, to the authors and proprietors of such 
 copies during the times therein mentioned, and extending the bene 
 fits thereof to the arts of designing, engraving, and etching histo 
 rical and other prints." 
 
 D. CALDWELL, 
 Clerk of the district of Pennsylvania. 
 
JOSEPH DENNIE, ESQUIRE, 
 
 THE FOLLOWING 
 
 POEM 
 
 IS INSCRIBED 
 
 BY HIS AFFECTIONATE FRIEND 
 
 AND HUMBLE SERVANT, 
 
 THOMAS GREEN FESSENDEN. 
 
 175741 
 
PREFACE 
 
 TO THE SECOND AMERICAN EDITION. 
 
 IN the preface of the publisher of the first American 
 edition of this work, some statements relative to its origin, 
 together with a concise biographical sketch of its author, 
 have been presented to the publick. That preface, however, 
 having been written before my return from England, and 
 without my knowledge, cannot be supposed to be perfectly 
 correct in all its particulars ; and though I highly appre 
 ciate the friendly motives which appear to have actuated 
 the publisher in penning it, yet 1 hope he will pardon me 
 if, instead of an advocate, I now appear in firofiria fiersona 
 and explain a little more at large the topicks and events 
 of which he has taken notice. 
 
 Previous to my journey to England, for the purposes 
 hereafter to be stated, my life had been checkered with 
 but little variety ; and I shall merely state such prominent 
 events as may be necessary to account for my having made 
 my literary debut in the uncommon character of an Ame 
 rican author in London. 
 
VI PREFACE. 
 
 My father is a clergyman, who has been settled in 
 Walpole, in New Hampshire, more than forty years. He 
 is by no means in affluent circumstances, and I am the 
 eldest of eight children yet living. I acquired a collegiate 
 education, and graduated at Dartmouth college in New 
 Hampshire, in August 1796. The expenses of my educa 
 tion were principally defrayed by my own exertions. During 
 the vacations I eked out my finances by instructing a vil 
 lage school, and added sometimes a pittance to my purse 
 by teaching psalmody a number of evenings in each week, 
 after having finished my daily avocations as a pedagogue. 
 In the autumn of the year 1796, I commenced the study 
 of law at Rutland, in Vermont. After completing my stu 
 dies I began business in partnership with Nathaniel Chip- 
 man, Esq. formerly a senator in congress, and a gentle 
 man who is placed by his legal, literary, and scientifick 
 attainments in the highest rank of American worthies. 
 
 While member of the university and student at law, I 
 often amused myself and perhaps sometimes my friends, 
 by poetical effusions, many of which were published in the 
 Laypreacher s Gazette, edited by Joseph Dennie, Esq. 
 and The Eagle, a newspaper printed at Dartmouth. Some 
 of these poems I have since published in England, and 
 they have, likewise, been republished in a work just issued 
 from the Lorenzo Press of E. Bronsoii, Esq. 
 
 In the spring of the year 1801, I was employed as an 
 agent for a respectable company, formed in Vermont for 
 the purpose of securing a patent in London of a new invented 
 hydraulick machine. This machine was the invention of a 
 Mr. Langdon (not mine as has been stated by some of my 
 good friends in this country.) I was likewise a member of 
 this company, and thus became deeply interested in its 
 success as one of the principals as well as agent. I was 
 urged to hurry my departure in consequence of a report in 
 circulation that certain persons by stealth had made them- 
 
PREFACE. VU 
 
 selves master of the invention, and were determined to 
 anticipate us in our object of securing a patent in London. 
 
 In consequence of this report, the experiments which 
 were made with this machine were performed in a hasty 
 manner. The machine itself was complicated with parts 
 which were of no use, and are not worth a description. 
 The only principle which gave it any apparent superiority 
 to the common pump was not stated in the patent speci 
 fication. By the aid of this principle, however, which we 
 shall presently describe, water was raised in a hasty ex 
 periment through leaky tin pipes, apparently by suction 
 or the pressure of the atmosphere alone, forty-two feet 
 from the surface of the fountain to the bottom of the 
 cylinders in which the pistons were worked. 
 
 From these experiments, it should seem that some new 
 principle in the laws of hydraulicks was developed; as 
 the simple pressure of the atmosphere can never elevate 
 water to a greater height than thirty-four feet. 
 
 But my principal hopes of deriving benefit from this 
 machine, consisted in its property of drawing water from 
 a distance through pipes, ascending from the fountain to 
 the place of delivery on a principle not dissimilar to what 
 is now in practice in England, and for the application of 
 which a lucrative patent was obtained by a Mr. Dalby. 
 I embarked from New York the fifth of May, and arrived 
 in London, after a tedious passage, the fourth of July. I 
 waited on Mr. King, then ambassadour from the United 
 States, to whom I had letters, and was by him favoured 
 with a letter to Mr. Nicholson, an eminent philosopher 
 and chymist, at Soho square. With this gentleman I 
 had several interviews on the subject of my hydraulick 
 machine, and from him received an opinion in writing, 
 stating his unfavourable view of its merits. I likewise 
 made a number of experiments in London, with a different 
 result from what I had seen in Vermont. 
 
V1U. PREFACE. 
 
 In this desperate situation of the adventure, I received 
 a letter from one of the Vermont company, informing that 
 there was a deception in the patent. That by some ex 
 periments made subsequent to my departure for London it 
 appeared that no water could be raised by Langdon s in 
 vention higher than by the common pump, unless by a per 
 foration in the pipe, which made what the inventor called 
 an air hole ; and which by him had been kept a secret, 
 and not mentioned in the patent specification.* This per 
 foration, by admitting air into the pipe, lessened the gravity 
 of the column of water and caused it to rise some feet 
 higher than it could be forced by the simple pressure of the 
 atmosphere. I troubled Mr. Nicholson again with this 
 last principle : he informed me that a similar deception 
 had been practised on the academicans at Paris, but that 
 the trick was discovered by the hissing noise made by the 
 air rushing into the aperture in the pipe. 
 
 My next essay was an attempt to improve on the prin 
 ciple last developed, by which a column of water might be 
 raised higher than it could be carried by the simple pres 
 sure of the atmosphere, by admitting air into the pipe to 
 assist in its ascent. This I shall briefly sketch, and I hope 
 to make my meaning intelligible without a diagram. 
 
 Suppose the simple apparatus of what is commonly 
 called a suction pump, moved by steam or any other power, 
 were placed at the top of a pipe leading sixty feet perpendi 
 cular height from the fountain and the air exhausted from 
 the pipe by the operation of its piston. The water would 
 rise in this pipe thirty-three feet and two-thirds nearly, 
 leaving a vacuum from the surface of the water thus elevat 
 ed in the pipe, to the bottom of the piston. At the height 
 
 * Tliis was such a fraud in the inventor, that by every principle 
 of law and reason the patent \vas void, and no contract founded on 
 it could be valid. 
 
PREFACE:. 1 
 
 of thirty feet from the fountain I would have a valve in the 
 pipe, opening upwards. Immediately above this a pipe 
 branching horizontally from the main pipe to what I will 
 call a second pump box, from which the air would be ex 
 hausted by the operation of the piston at the top of the main 
 pipe. In the top of the second pump box I would likewise 
 place a small Valve opening upwards. This valve should 
 communicate with a piece of cork or other light wood 
 appended to the valve by a rod within the box. The air 
 being exhausted within the machine, the water would rise 
 and flow into the second pump box, and by floating the 
 wood, would lift the valve at the top of the box, the air 
 would rush in, and shutting the valve below, operate by its 
 spring or pressure to force the water into the box at the 
 top of the main pipe. 
 
 If the main pipe were continued to a greater perpendi 
 cular height from the fountain, suppose ninety feet, by 
 placing a third pump box, branching pipe and valves simi 
 lar to the second and its apparatus as above described, and 
 an exhaustion made at the top of the pipe, the water would 
 be raised by renovated pressure of the atmosphere ninety 
 feet ; and by a succession of similar machinery, to any 
 height short of that in which the pressure of the atmos 
 phere would cease to operate. This invention I proposed 
 to apply to raising water from deep welis, coal mines, Sec. 
 and in situations where it was necessary to raise water a 
 great height, but impossible or inconvenient to apply the 
 machinery of a common lifting or forcing pump. 
 
 Having completed a tolerable sketch by way of a dia* 
 gram of this invention, I consulted Mr. Nicholson, and 
 some other gentlemen of mechanical skill, respecting its 
 merits. They all agreed that it was new, ingenious, and 
 might be in some situations useful ; but thought that the 
 expense of a patent, which in England is near ^120 and 
 the difficulty of obtaining patronage for a new thing, 
 
 2 
 
X PREFACE. 
 
 though it might be really useful, ought to deter me from 
 attempting to prosecute my improvement. 
 
 I now relinquished all hopes of being able to effect any 
 thing beneficial to my employers or myself by Langdon s 
 machine, or by any possible modification of any of its 
 principles, and in August 1801 was preparing to return to 
 America. 
 
 At this juncture, an American introduced himself to me 
 at my lodgings in the Strand, whom I had never before 
 seen. He informed me that he was the inventor of a new 
 and curious machine for grinding corn and other useful 
 purposes, for which he had obtained a patent. That sir 
 William Staines, then mayor of London, was at the head 
 of a company for carrying his patent into effect. That he 
 had sold one fourth part of his patent for 500 sterling to 
 a gentleman who was a great mechanick, a person of 
 much respectability, a city surveyor, and possessed of a 
 large property That he, the inventor, had built a num 
 ber of mills in America, and was fully competent to direct, 
 in every particular, respecting his invention. He produced 
 the counterpart of his assignment of one fourth part of 
 his patent, in which 500 was expressed as the considera 
 tion of the deed. I found on inquiry that he had married 
 the daughter of a clergyman, settled in London, and a 
 person of respectable appearance, and I saw no reason to 
 disbelieve any of his statements. This adv-enturer likewise 
 produced a small model of his machine, which seemed to 
 be the work of considerable ingenuity. At length, after 
 some hesitation and inquiry, I was prevailed on to pur 
 chase one fourth of the patent, and was sufficiently pu 
 nished for my temerity. 
 
 The mayor soon took the liberty of seceding from the 
 concern. The rich partner who was prior to me in the 
 purchase of a part of the patent, was not exactly so rich, nor 
 
I llEFACE. XI 
 
 quite so respectable as had been represented. The 500 
 stated to have been paid by him was only a nominal sum to 
 induce others to purchase. The patentee sold out, and I 
 found that no ordinary exertions were necessary to prevent 
 the total failure of the whole scheme. A company of four 
 persons was now formed to build a machine, on a cheap 
 scale, on the Thames, which, it was hoped, would display 
 the principles of the patent, and perform work enough 
 to requite the expense of construction. 
 
 In order to become in some measure competent to ren 
 der assistance in this undertaking I set about investigating 
 the principles on which a machine ought to be built, which 
 would come within the patent. From the writings of 
 Smeaton, Ferguson, the Encyclopedia Britannica, and 
 some other authors who had treated on such branches of 
 mechanical philosophy as were connected with this subject 
 compared with experiments, which had been made with a 
 view to this patent, I was able to develop its principles 
 and recommended such rules as those concerned have been 
 taught by experience to adopt. But I found myslf con 
 nected with men who despised science, who could not 
 even comprehend my statements, and who proceeded in 
 spite of my remonstrances to spoil the machine. After suf 
 fering no small degree of vexation, fatigue, and anxiety, I 
 induced to attempt to make my pen subsidiary to my 
 support. In the prosecution of this last plan, I published 
 Terrible Tractoration, and a volume of Original Poemsj 
 both of which met a favourable reception by the publick, 
 and were recommended by professional criticks. 
 
 Those, however, who are best acquainted with me, will 
 do me the justice to believe, that I never should have 
 written a work calculated to give the tractors favourable 
 notice, had I not fully believed in their efficacy. As con 
 ductors of animal electricity, and in principle allied to the 
 Galvanick stimulants, even their modus operand! may be 
 
^l PREFACE. 
 
 in a great measure explained:* and the cases of their hav 
 ing performed cures are attested by too many respectable 
 characters, both in Europe and America, to render it pos 
 sible that they should be an illusion. I likewise found that 
 though by many they were condemned as the offspring of 
 quackery, their most bitter opponents were generally 
 men who deserved to be ranked with the Solomons and 
 Brodums who disgrace the profession of physickf. 
 
 Justice requires that I should acknowledge my obliga 
 tions to some friends in London, for many materials which 
 
 * I am tempted in this place to present the reader with a quota 
 tion from Cavallo, which shows that metallick substances have a 
 powerful effect on animals. 
 
 " The principle phenomena of animal electricity, viz. the pro 
 perty of being 1 put in motion by a metallick communication between 
 the nerves and muscles is not peculiar to a few animals, but must 
 be a property of all; a law of nature which admits of few excep 
 tions, and these of a very doubtful nature. The experiments have 
 already been tried with a great variety of terrestrial, aerial, and 
 aquatick animals. The human body, whilst undergoing- certain 
 chirorgical operations on its recently amputated limbs, has been 
 convulsed by the application of metals. From the ox and the horse 
 down to the fly, the effects of metallick applications have been re 
 peatedly and uneq oi vocally observed, with the same power." 
 
 f Many respectable English reviews spoke in favourable terms 
 of the tractors. I shall here quote the authority of the Anti-Jaco 
 bin Review, the reputation of which is so well established that 
 we cannot suppose it possible that its conductors would give any 
 thing like quackery the sanction of their authority. In a review 
 of a satyrical work of one Carry who had written against the trac 
 tors, they observe, " with equal avidity, though certainly with but 
 little knowledge or skill, does our angry satirist fall upon Perkins s 
 metallick tractors. Much as we detest and reprobate quackery of 
 every description, we do not feel ourselves authorized to restrain 
 or suppress the extension of scientifick discovery ; and considering 
 the tractors to be constructed on known philosophical principles, 
 ttyey do not appear so contemptible as this author affects to represent 
 them." Anti Jacobin Review for April, 1802, p. 399. 
 
rSEFACE. Xlll 
 
 composed the London edition of the following performance. 
 The verse, with the exception of about half a dozen stanzas, 
 is mine, with no other assistance but such as conversation 
 with those friends afforded me by occasionally supplying 
 hints and topicks, which I afterwards displayed in rhyme. 
 Some of the notes were printed with but little alteration 
 from matter furnished me by correspondents. As many 
 of these communications, however, are of a personal na 
 ture, I do not feel at liberty to divulge the names of their 
 authors without their consent. 
 
 Such was the origin of the English editions of the 
 following work. I thought it proper briefly to narrate 
 the circumstances, which led to its publication, in conse 
 quence of inaccurate statements, which have been circulated. 
 The present edition contains nearly double the quantity of 
 matter published in the last English edition, the satire is 
 more general, and it is hoped the additional matter will be 
 thought not inferiour to what has repeatedly obtained 
 the sanction of British and American professional criticks. 
 My object has been not only to disclose the follies of phi 
 losophy, falsely so called, but to give publicity to such in 
 ventions and improvements as are really useful. I have 
 the highest reason to be satisfied with the reception which 
 the performance has met in Europe and America from 
 men of literature and candour. It is true that some piti 
 ful attempts have been made to persuade the publick, not 
 only that this poem, but the immortal work of which 
 this is an imitation is " gross and nauseous." But such 
 malignant and sorry criticisms will serve merely to render 
 their authors ridiculous, and their folly will ever serve as 
 an antidote to their malevolence.* 
 
 * I allude here to a critique upon this poem and Democracy Un 
 veiled, written by a pitiful American scribbler for Philips s Monthly 
 Magazine, London, and republished with much ostentation, as the 
 opinion of British, criticks, by an editor of a very contemptible paper 
 at New York. This man, not contented with abusing" my poems, 
 
Xv PREFACE. 
 
 In preparing the additional matter I have had no assist 
 ance except such as libraries and the conversation of men 
 of science and literature have afforded. The urbanity of 
 gentlemen of those descriptions, in this metropolis, and the 
 readiness with which they have afforded me access to the 
 sources of intelligence in their possession, will live in my 
 remembrance and be at all times acknowledged with gra 
 titude. 
 
 has attacked the immortal works of Butler. He seems not to pos 
 sess powers for discriminating- between dog-grel rhymes and Hudi- 
 brastick poetry ; for he declares that " to make verses of this kind," 
 to wit, like Butler, " is one of tbe lowest orders of intellectual em 
 ployments." If we may judge, however, from some specimens of this 
 critick s own verse, " the lowest order of intellectual employments * 
 in his hands would be " likely to be lower ! !" But Pope has hit 
 his case so exactly that we will dismiss him with a quotation from 
 that writer, whose productions he will doubtless pronounce " gross 
 and nauseous." 
 
 " Some have at first for wits, then/ofte past, 
 
 " Tum d criticks next, and prov d plain fools at last." 
 
 Philadelphia, June 18, 1806. 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 TO THE 
 
 LONDON EDITION. 
 
 THE demand for a second edition of CAUSTIC K S PETI 
 TION, within the short period of two months from the 
 publication of the first, has excited so much vanity in the 
 author as to induce him to believe that his efforts have not 
 been altogether unacceptable, and to hope that his objects 
 may ultimately prove not to have been altogether unaccom 
 plished. With such a reward for former exertions, and 
 such an incitement for future, it will be thought natural 
 in him to have used his endeavour for a continuance of 
 publick favour. 
 
 The present edition, which contains more than double 
 the quantity of matter that composed the last, will plead 
 the virtue of industry, even should the merit of the new 
 matter not justly lay claim to that indulgence with which 
 the former was honoured. 
 
 Besides enlargement, this edition will be found, especially 
 in the first canto, to be materially altered. 
 
 The aim of the alterations has been to avoid, as much as 
 the subjects necessarily enlarged upon would admit, every 
 
XVI INTRODUCTION. 
 
 sentiment and expression, which would offend the heart of 
 innocence, or the eye of delicacy. Addressed, as the poem 
 originally was, to professional men, there was, perhaps, 
 little cause to complain of too great a licence in this par 
 ticular. The circulation of the work proving, however, 
 to be by no means confined to the medical profession, and 
 promising to be still less so in future, it has been the 
 author s study to savour this to the more general palate as 
 well as to enlarge the scope of its objects. 
 
 Of one, among other advantages, which may generally 
 be derived for the improvement of second editions, viz. the 
 criticisms of monthly journals, the author is in a great 
 measure deprived. Two only (the Antijacobin and Monthly 
 Register) have yet committed the deeds of Dr. Caustick 
 to the test of their tremendous ordeal. 
 
 The sweet drops of their approbation, which, in their 
 great clemency, they have allowed him to taste, instead 
 of the bitter pill which the trembling poet feared might- 
 have been his dose, inculcates a hope of a survival of the 
 affray, without a broken heart through his own chagrin, 
 however great his danger of a broken head through the 
 chagrin of others. 
 
 Thus far I had proceeded in remarks, which are applica 
 ble to this second edition only, and hesitated some time, 
 before I resolved on the expedience of pursuing my 
 observations, and offering something like an explanation of 
 the motives, which led to the present publication. This 
 delay has enabled me to mention a third review of the first 
 edition (by the British Critick). Like the former two it 
 has indulged Dr. Caustick with encomiums on his " in 
 genious burlesque," his " humorous notes," his " happy 
 ludicrous compounded rhymes, and many other qualities 
 to ensure no trifling success in doggrel verse. 5 * &c. 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 To have hoped, by any thing that might be said in this 
 introduction, to alter the conduct of those, against whom 
 the animadversions contained in the poem are directed, 
 would be vain. Others, however, who seek after truth 
 with more disinterestedness, and with whom truth, when 
 known, may be subservient to some good effect, may 
 have their inquiries facilitated by a simple detail of a few 
 plain facts. 
 
 The discovery Of Perkinism, and the ascertainment of 
 its utility in the cure of diseases, have been objects of 
 the author s most critical and cautious investigation. 
 This investigation, terminating in a conviction of its great 
 importance to mankind, and its high claims to a rank 
 among the choicest blessings to humanity, has placed him 
 on the alert to watch its progress, and to feel an anxiety 
 for its success. He has of consequence been roused at 
 the disgraceful attempts made by the combined energies 
 of prejudice and self interest to prevent the use, nay, 
 even the trial, of the efficacy of the metallick tractors. 
 
 Opposition, honourable in its views, and fair in its 
 means, to discoveries of great pretensions, is not only 
 commendable, but almost indispensably necessary to the 
 development of truth. Such opposition, like friction to 
 the diamond, proves its hardness and increases its lustre. 
 But when, as in the present instance, every avenue to 
 truth is defended by scorpions, who endeavour to frighten 
 you back by their hisses, or assail you with their stings^ 
 it cannot be unjustifiable to attempt to clear the passage 
 by whipping away the reptiles. The author, however, 
 would not presume to represent that he has accomplished 
 this task. But, if he has failed in his attempt, he is not 
 yet discouraged. They have thrown the gauntlet in an 
 untenable cause, and, as his quiver is yet full of arrows, 
 he will be justified in shooting folly, malice, and ignorance 
 
 3 
 
XV111 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 whenever they appear in any guise to combine against 
 this important discovery. 
 
 The writer would, however, caution against any 
 supposition that the whole medical profession, many 
 of whom are stars of prime magnitude in the hemisphere 
 of science, are enemies to Perkinism, or would make 
 use of any unjustifiable means to oppose an improvement 
 in the art of healing. Indeed, no person can hold the 
 more honourable part of the profession in higher estima 
 tion than the author of the following poem. 
 
 A concise sketch of the history of Perkinism, since its 
 first introduction into this island, will render evident 
 what has been the nature of the opposition to the metallick 
 practice, inasmuch as it will show that it resolves itself 
 into two heads, viz. ridicule and malicious falsehood. These, 
 when called into action even by men of moderate talent, 
 who are compelled by interest to extraordinary exertion, 
 are no impotent engines, employed against the weak- 
 however inefficient they may prove with men of penetra 
 tion and independence. 
 
 I shall proceed to the proof of my assertion relative to 
 the character of the opposition to Perkinism. I shall 
 draw my facts from the several writers own acknowledge 
 ments and Mr. Perkins s answers ; both of which have 
 long been the subject of my attentive observation. 
 
 At the head of that part of the opposition to be 
 classed under ridicule, may be mentioned certain pro 
 ceedings in the Bath and Bristol infirmaries ; the former 
 under the direction of Dr. Hay garth, a physician of Bath ; 
 and the latter conducted by Mr. Smith, a surgeon of Bris 
 tol. These have been the grand rallying points about 
 which every minor assailant has taken his stand. But it 
 is unnecessary to recapitulate them here, as they are suffi 
 ciently enlarged upon in the second and third cantos of the 
 
INTRODUCTION. XIX 
 
 following poem. Before quitting the subject, however, 
 I would briefly mention > in addition to what is there stated, 
 that Dr. Hay garth, who condemns Perkinism on his own 
 experiments, does not appear to have ever used the trac 
 tors a second time on a patient ; and Mr. Smith, whose 
 virulent observations and necromantick manoeuvres con 
 stitute three fourths of Dr. Haygarth s evidence against 
 the tractors, admits, before he closes his communication, 
 that he never tried them. This last gentleman candidly 
 acknowledges that he " played the part of a necromancer," 
 in his ridiculous pranks in ridicule of Perkinism. 
 
 Next in order comes the writer of the article " PER 
 KINISM" in the Encyclopaedia Britannica. How far I am 
 justified in ranking this attack under the head of ridicule , 
 will be learnt from the remark of the writer himself, who 
 says, " to treat this discovery with seriousness would dis 
 grace the profession of a scientifick critick." The whole 
 attack is accordingly a strain of ridicule, invective, mis 
 representation, and misquotation, which, in the opinion 
 of some, has not much honoured the profession of a 
 " scientifick critick" This writer copiesj among others, 
 the attack of the Monthly Re-view^ which shall next claim 
 our attention. 
 
 None has enjoyed) in a higher degree than the author 
 of this poem, the effusions of wit which sometimes deco 
 rate the pages of the Monthly Review ; but still he regrets 
 that a journal which might so eminently promote the 
 cause of literature, should so often sacrifice every thing to 
 a good joke. They have certainly been very witty at the 
 expense of the tractors, and I have myself joined in the 
 laugh, whenever it has appeared to be the object of the 
 criticks to utter a smart, but not a malicious thing. But 
 I apprehend that no honestly disposed person has derived 
 that lasting satisfaction from their " quips and cranks," 
 which he would have experienced from a learned and 
 candid investigation of the merits of Perkinism. 
 
XX INTRODUCTION. 
 
 In their last attack on Mr. Perkins, alluding to the con 
 sequences of an unlucky kick, they advise him to avoid the 
 use of the tractors on horses, and wittily suggest the pro 
 priety of his confining- their application to bipeds, and 
 among others would beg to recommend geese to his polite 
 attention. But whether the gentlemen intend to offer 
 themselves, pr some other bipeds of the same species, but 
 of less hissing notoriety, as the subject of experiment, they 
 have not inform.ecl us. 
 
 But ridicule, as before observed, has not been the only 
 weapon with which Perkinism has been assailed. False 
 hoods, BASE, WILFUL, and MALICIOUS, have been propagated 
 with the like benevolent intention of extirpating this intru 
 sive practice. 1 say base, wilful, and malicious, because 
 they carry with them the marks of barbarous design. At 
 the head of this list should be named a masked writer, who 
 has found access to the pages of the British Critick. Surely 
 there will not be found many, among the more civilized 
 inhabitants of this kingdom, who will approve of an at 
 tempt to brand with infamy those acts in a PERKINS, 
 which immortalized a How AHD. But such has been the 
 attempt of the writer in question. 
 
 Dr. Elisha Perkins, the inventor of the metallick trac 
 tors, and the father of the present proprietor, it is known, 
 like Howard, sacrificed his life in the cause of humanity. 
 The latter ended his days with a malignant fever at Cherson, 
 while visiting the sick and in prison. The former lost his 
 life with a malignant fever at New York, caught whilst 
 engaged in the benevolent office of hunting out, and offer 
 ing medical assistance to the poor, in their dreary and 
 distressed habitations, during the rage of that dreadful 
 scourge, the yellow fever. Both alike left the calm enjoy 
 ment of domestick ease in this godlike employment, and 
 both equally pursued the object with no other expectation, 
 or wish for reward, than the consolation of relieving the 
 
INTRODUCTION. XXI 
 
 distressed. But it was reserved for the conductors of the 
 British Critick to offer their pages to a wretch, who could 
 conjure up an infamous falsehood with a view of casting a 
 sneer at the philanthropist and covering with disgrace his 
 benevolent acts.* After such a specimen of the liberality 
 of the conductors of this journal, with respect to the me- 
 tallick tractors, it did not surprise me to find, that although 
 they were so condescending as to grant that this poem had 
 merit, as an " ingenious burlesque," Sec. still they pro- 
 
 * Dr. Perkins entertained the opinion that powerful antisceptick 
 remedies had not been sufficiently tried in that putrid disorder, and 
 these it was that he was solicitous to put to the experiment. The 
 particulars of his death were (as appears from Mr. Perkins s corres 
 pondence with Messrs. Rivingtons, since published) in possession 
 of the editors of the British Critick, That journal, however, gravely 
 asserts in its preface to vol. xx. " it is a curious fact, we have lately 
 learned, that the American inventor fairly duped himself on the sub 
 ject of his tractors. He died, we are told, of the yellow fever, with 
 this useless operation performed on him at the moment. * The 
 atrocity manifested in tbe invention of this falsehood is equalled only 
 by the subsequent conduct of the editors, in refusing 1 , when con 
 vinced of its injustice, to correct their statement. 
 
 After numerous applications on the part of Mr. Perkins, they 
 dismiss the affair by the following 1 shuffle. Among tbe addresses to 
 correspondents in the number for August 1800, is the following 1 . 
 "Mr. Perkins s letter we have handed over to our correspon 
 dent, whom it more immediately concerns." The editors were 
 cautious to avoid mentioning what Mr. Perkins this was, or the sub 
 ject of his letter ! But to close tliis specimen of the honesty and im 
 partiality exercised towards the metallick tractors, tbe explanation 
 or vindication of this " correspondent," although frequently demanded, 
 has not only never been given, but from that time the tractors were 
 forbidden to be advertised for sale in that Review, with this pretence, 
 on the part of the publishers, that they had just come to a deter 
 mination of admitting no more advertisements of medicines (the 
 tractors then are medicines ! /) it is necessary only to add, that soon 
 afterwards, March 1801, this Review was stuffed, as usual, with the 
 advertisements of quack medicines. See the numbers of the British 
 Critick, already mentioned, and Perkins s Cases of Successful Practice, 
 page 21, second edition, for the particulars of this nefarious attempt. 
 
XXU INTRODUCTION. 
 
 nounced it an empirical puff, and the production of Mr. 
 Perkins ; and had the knavery also to misquote the title, 
 by printing it PRACTICAL, instead of Poetical Petition, &c. 
 
 The next assailant of Perkinism, of whom I shall take 
 notice, is Dr. James Anderson. This ingenious gentle 
 man condescended to amuse the readers of his Recrea 
 tions in Agriculture with the following falsehood, in proof 
 of the falling reputation of Perkinism. The price of the 
 tractors is now reduced to four guineas the set 1 !" But 
 perhaps a gentleman of Dr. Anderson s fertile imagination 
 and inventive genius ought by no means to be confined 
 within the boundaries of truth. Had the doctor been 
 obliged to state useful facts, and probable theories, merely, 
 his Recreations might possibly have been published in 
 a sixpenny pamphlet, instead of the tedious and voluminous 
 work he has contrived to botch together. 
 
 Another assailant of Perkinism is a Mr. Corry. One 
 would, however, feel little disposition to censure this charac 
 ter, as his low situation in life exposes him to tempta 
 tions, which, it is to be hoped, he would otherwise resist. 
 This, however, is no excuse for his employers* In a book 
 against quackery, he attacks the tractors most furiously, 
 and in support of his opinion of their inutility. adduces a 
 statement of a number of experiments, purporting to have 
 been made by one Mr. Wilkinson, at Avondale, near Strat 
 ford upon Avon. Mr. Perkins has been at the trouble to 
 ascertain the correctness of this statement, and has found 
 that neither the said Wilkinson nor Avonclale ever had 
 existence 1 ! In short, the whole is a fabrication. 
 
 I have to mention only one more of these gentlemen 
 assailants. The late lord Henniker was a fiiend and 
 promoter of the metallick tractors. He purchased at dif 
 ferent periods, during three years, three sets for the use of 
 bis own family. Being a fellow of the royal society, and 
 
INTRODUCTION. XXlil 
 
 considered a gentleman of superiour judgment and talents, 
 the zeal with which he supported them, it may well be 
 imagined, gave pain to many. Accordingly, at the death 
 of that nobleman, some person conceived the idea of obli 
 terating from the mind of the publick any impression 
 which might have existed in favour of the metallick prac 
 tice, in consequence of his patronage ; and for that pur 
 pose the following paragraph was inserted in a biographical 
 sketch of lord Henniker, in the Monthly Register, for 
 April 1803. 
 
 * No one sooner adopted a prejudice, but no one more 
 readily submitted it to that test, which suited it, and upon 
 no one had an original prejudice less effect in dazzling a 
 subsequent judgment. The numerous testimonies in 
 favour of a celebrated nostrum induced his lordship to 
 become a purchaser. Having obtained it, he immedi 
 ately put it to the proof, and discovered its absolute in- 
 efficacy. His lordship immediately returned the nostrum, 
 with a pecuniary present to its inventor. " You will con 
 sider as your own what I have already paid for your 
 tractors. Employ the enclosed notes to embark in some 
 more honest business, and no longer impose on the cre-- 
 dulity of the publick." 
 
 From another letter in the Monthly Register of the suc 
 ceeding month (May) it appears there never occurred 
 between lord Henniker and Mr. Perkins any circumstance 
 which could give the least colour for such a representation. 
 To the time of his death he remained a firm advocate of 
 Perkinism. 
 
 Two more assailants might be mentioned, but their 
 deeds are already alluded to in the fourth canto of the 
 poem. 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 I have now mentioned every fiublick writer of whom I 
 have a knowledge, against Perkinism, and given a speci 
 men of their arguments. The more private opposers, who 
 employ that unruly member, the tongue, are a hundred 
 fold more numerous, and not less malicious. 
 
 After this exhibition of the spirit which has influenced 
 the opposition to the metallick tractors in Great Britain, 
 can there be found one honest man who will say that they 
 have met with such treatment, as ought to have been ex 
 pected from a liberal and enlightened profession ; or that 
 the author of the present poem has commenced an un 
 provoked attack on honourable and deserving characters ? 
 Perkinism is supported by no mean and common preten 
 sions. Five years has it buffetted the storm of interest 
 and prejudice, and all true friends to humanity, acquaint 
 ed with its merits, will congratulate each other on the 
 result. 
 
 The two following facts will place the evidence in favour 
 of this discovery in a fair point of view. 
 
 Not an individual of those persons, who have communi 
 cated their experiments and remarks in favour of Perkin 
 ism (among whom are eight professors in four different 
 universities, twenty-one regular physicians, nineteen sur 
 geons, and thirty clergymen) has publickly or privately, 
 so far as my knowledge extends, retracted his good opinion 
 of the metallick tractors. 
 
 2. The contest respecting the merits of the tractors has 
 lain entirely between disinterested persons who have ap 
 proved of them, after a cautious and faithful experiment 
 (Mr. Perkins never published any facts on his own autho 
 rity) and interested or prejudiced persons, who have con 
 demned them without any trial whatever, generally indeed 
 who have never seen them. This fact is demonstrated 
 
INTRODUCTION. XXV 
 
 by the report of the committee of the Perkinean society 
 to their general meeting, conveying the result of their 
 application, indiscriminately made to the possessors of the 
 tractors in the metropolis, for their concurrence in the 
 establishment of a publick institution, for the use of them 
 on the poor. It was found that only five out of above a 
 hundred objected to subscribe, on acccount of their wan fc 
 of confidence in the efficacy of the practice, and these, the 
 committee observes, there is reason to believe, never gave 
 them a fair trial, probably never used them in more than 
 one case, and that perhaps a case in which the tractors 
 have never been recommended as serviceable. Purcha 
 sers of the tractors would be among the last to approve 
 of them, if they had reason to suppose themselves defrauded 
 of five guineas. 
 
 I am now willing to express a confidence that the candid 
 and unbiassed reader will be persuaded that the author has 
 been engaged in a cause not unworthy of his best exer 
 tions ; and that every real friend to humanity and useful 
 science will wish him success. 
 
 It remains to speak of the plan and design of the poem. 
 The author s ambition has been to produce an original 
 performance, and avoid all " servile trick" and " imitative 
 knack" of ordinary dealers in rhyme. He would rather in 
 troduce indefensible eccentricities, and run the hazard of 
 the lash of the critick, than to " threat his reader, not in 
 vain 3 with sleep." 
 
 Although the attacks upon the metallick tractors are 
 the principal subject of the following poem, still the author 
 has painted 
 
 -" every idle thing 
 
 That Fancy finds in her excursive flight ;" 
 4 
 
XXVI INTRODUCTION. 
 
 and he is sorry to say that our modern philosophers furnish 
 such a multitude of " idle things," which they call disco 
 veries and inventions, that he need never lay his brush 
 aside for want of proper subjects u[>on which to exercise 
 skill in his vocation. Were the mere inutilitij of their 
 researches the only objection which could be urged against 
 them, they might be permitted to follow their frivolous 
 pursuits without molestation. But when, in addition to 
 inutilily, their experiments arc accompanied with the 
 grossest inhumanity, the indignation of the reflecting mind 
 is roused at so wanton a misapplication of time, and pros 
 titution of talent. It has given the writer no small satis 
 faction to find the opinion entertained by professional 
 criticks, who have examined the former editions, that " the 
 attack on some of the cruel and indecent experiments of 
 certain modern naturalists, which seem limited to the 
 gratification of a licentious curiosity, having for their 
 object the attainment of no one practical good, is just and 
 commendable. The author has not merely rhyme, but 
 very frequently reason on his side in his satirical remarks." 
 ( Anti jacobin Review of Afiril^ 1803, on the Jirst edition of 
 this fioem.) 
 
 In the present edition, another variety of this species 
 of philosophers has received some attention, although not 
 fully equal to what their demerits require. These are 
 they whose atheistical theories and speculations appear to 
 have no other object than to annihilate a belief in an over 
 ruling Providence, and cancel every religious and moral 
 obligation. 
 
 In this department I have dwelt upon the theories of an 
 author (Dr. Darwin) whose 
 
 " Sweet tetranclrian monogynian strains 
 Pant for a pistil in botanlck pains ; 
 On the luxurious lap of Flora thrown, 
 On beds of yielding 1 vegetable clown , 
 
INTRODUCTION- XXYH 
 
 Raise lust in pinks ; and with unhallowed fire 
 Bid the soft virgin-violet expire ;" 
 
 and whose writings have a direct tendency to unhinge so 
 ciety, and reduce mankind to a state of nature, by giving 
 a loose to those passions, which of all others require re 
 straint* 
 
 It is to me a most surprising, as well as lamentable cir 
 cumstance, that/2wre intellect has so little to do with the 
 affairs of mankind. Whim, folly, and fashion, predominate 
 most deplorably even in this (which we pretend to style an 
 enlightened) age. The man who discovers an extra joint in 
 the tail of a tadpole is immortalized for the discovery ; whilst 
 he who gives relief to thousands, languishing on the bed of 
 sickness, is to be sure an empirick, and unworthy of 
 countenance and protection. 
 
 A bad head generally indicates a bad heart. A fool, nine 
 times in ten, to the extent of his abilities, is a knave. 
 And it is happy for mankind that knaves commonly arc 
 fools, and generally too cunning for their own interest 
 Thus it has happened with many of the opponents to the 
 tractors. Gross palpable lies, which were easily detected, 
 have been circulated to disparage Perkinism. The detec 
 tion of those lies has served as an advertisement in its fa 
 vour* and evinced the motives of its adversaries. It is 
 wisely ordained by Providence, for the good of society, 
 that knaves should be permitted to overreach themselves. 
 
 Although many things, which I have enlarged upon in 
 this performance, are intended to be stigmatized, others 
 are introduced merely for the purpose of laughing ivith^ 
 but not laughing at, the inventors. 
 
 The experiments of Aldini, as well as those of certain, 
 learned and respectable chymists, the discerning reader 
 will perceive, from the manner in which they are treated^ 
 
XXVlll INTRODUCTION, 
 
 that I have introduced merely for the purpose of giving 
 them publicity, and thus promoting the interest of science. 
 
 Indeed, it would be very ill judged in the author to 
 discourage Galvanick experiments, when not attended 
 with inhumanity. Every advance in that science is a 
 step nearer the top of the eminence on which Perkinism 
 rests. I am not, however, very sanguine that Perkinism 
 is likely to derive that immediate support from the step- 
 by-step progress which Galvanism is making, that one 
 would, on the first reflection, be led to imagine. I fear 
 the medical profession will fail to support Galvanism the 
 moment it is attempted to be applied to any useful pur 
 pose, that is, to an easy and cheap, mode of curing dis 
 eases ; for then it will become identified with the other 
 offending practice. Perkins and Aldini I conceive go hand 
 in hand ; but the former cures diseases (ay, there s the 
 rub) and thereby encroaches on the province of the fa 
 culty ; and, I apprehend, it will continue to be the pro 
 vince of too many of the medical profession to condemn 
 the American, while they bend the knee to the Italian. 
 
 In the third canto, entitled MANIFESTO, the author 
 has discussed the merits of every argument, which, to 
 his knowledge, has been adduced against the tractors. 
 Their ridiculousness, like that of some of our Bond-street 
 fops, is almost beyond the reach of caricature. For in 
 stance, when we perceive Dr. Haygarth attempting to 
 persuade the publick that the tractors cure diseases by 
 operating on the imagination of the patient, although every 
 possessor of them may have daily proof that infants and 
 brute animals are as much subject to their power as the 
 most credulous ; and when incontestable proof is adduced 
 by Mr. Perkins of their efficacy on those subjects, we see 
 the doctor attempt to show that, in those cases, " it is not 
 the fiatient, but the observer, who is deceived by his own 
 imagination" when we next find that Dr. H. and his 
 
INTRODUCTION. XXIX 
 
 adherents, whose duty it is to cure diseases in the most 
 safe, chea/i, and exfieditious manner, anathematize the 
 tractors, because they cure diseases (as they pretend to 
 suppose) by an operation on the imagination (a pleasant 
 remedy !) -when they exclaim against the tractors, and 
 assert that no confidence is to be placed in their effects, 
 because the modus ofierandi is not explained and demon 
 strated, like a mathematical problem, although the mo- 
 dus operandi of the best and most approved medicines in 
 the materia medica is even more inexplicable when we 
 find it objected to the tractors, that the testimony of those 
 who support the discovery is not admissible, nor satisfac 
 tory, although such testimony is, in every sense, prefer 
 able to that on the other side of the question, inasmuch as 
 it is from learned and disinterested men, many of them 
 
 MEDICAL CHARACTERS, RETIRED ON THEIR FORTUNES 
 
 FROM BUSINESS it is difficult to show the ridiculous con 
 duct of the party opposed to Perkinism, in a more con 
 spicuous manner, than by presenting a simple relation of 
 facts. The author has merely endeavoured to give a lu 
 dicrous turn to such nonsensical arguments, and, by thus 
 placing them in their just light, show them to be ridicu 
 lous as well as foolish. 
 
 In the fourth canto, after exhibiting some specimens of 
 pure and unadulterated quackery, together with some 
 other curious traits of character, the poet has plunged 
 headlong and headstrong into a battle, which is intended 
 for the entertainment merely of your stout hearted, roast- 
 beef readers, who feast upon terrible images and horrour- 
 fraught descriptions. Ladies and ladies men, and all other 
 delicate, timid, and gentle readers, are respectfully in 
 formed, that they will do well not to venture too incau 
 tiously upon the terrifick scenes there introduced. 
 
 Should it be objected against this poem, that the author is 
 unnecessarily severe on some occasions, I shall reply, in 
 
XXX INTRODUCTION. 
 
 addition to what has been before observed, respecting the 
 provocations given, that he has founded his severity upon 
 FACTS* and if he has nothing extenuated, he has set 
 down nought in malice. Were men of real science to 
 unite in stripping the mask from ignorant and impudent 
 pretenders to knowledge and acquirements which they 
 do not possess, society would no longer be imposed on 
 by empiricks, pseudo-philosophers, poetasters, and other 
 witlings, who puff themselves into consequence with the 
 less enlightened, but more numerous part of mankind. 
 If, by attacking some of that kind of scribblers, exposing 
 to ridicule and contempt their whimsical and impracticable 
 theories and speculations, and supporting a discovery, 
 which (although it has been treated with unmerited oblo 
 quy) experience has proved to be useful, the author has 
 been of service to society, and contributed his mite to 
 the treasury of correct literature, his most ardent wishes 
 and expectations will be amply gratified. 
 
 The following LINES, relating to the excellent institu 
 tion, so frequently mentioned in this poem, the author con 
 ceives may be copied here, not improperly, as a conclusion 
 to this introduction. 
 
 An address delivered before the PERKIXEAN SOCIETY, at 
 their publick dinner, at the Crown and Anchor, July 15, 
 1803, in celebration of the opening of the charity in 
 Frith street, Soho, for the use of the METALLICK TRAC 
 TORS, in disorders of the poor : by a friend to the in 
 stitution. 
 
 Say, " SONS OF SOUL," when erst th f Omniscient plan 
 Design d this globe the tenement of man. 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 What " firm, immutable, immortal laws, 
 
 Inpress d on nature by the GREAT FIRST CAUSE ;" 
 
 Bade jaring atoms form one beauteous whole, 
 
 Fitted to order s durable control ? 
 
 SAGES OF SCIENCE, caglc-ey d, disclose, 
 
 What aptitudes and appetencies those, 
 
 Which world with world connect in one vast chain, 
 
 CAUSE and EFFECT, a never ending train ? 
 
 Can ye unfold what energies control 
 
 The magnet, faithful to its kindred pole ; 
 
 Or render plain the philosophick WHY 
 
 Th electrick fluid fires the cloud-roof M sky ? 
 
 Meek they reply ; " these causes mock the ken 
 Of human intellect. Short-sighted men, 
 With finite views, as well might hope to trace 
 Infinity, and fathom boundless space ; 
 With finite views, explain the links which bind 
 The world of matter to the world of mind. 
 Not Newton s self could look all nature through. 
 His, though a wide, was still a partial view. 
 Experience teaches, from EFFECTS alone, 
 The works of Deity in part are known. 
 
 As time rolls on, with raptur d eye, behold, 
 The laws of nature constantly unfold ! 
 Behold Galvani s vivid, viewless flame, 
 Bids mimick life resuscitate the frame 
 Of man deceas d JT the vital lamp to burn, 
 With transitory glow, in death s cold urn. 
 See POINTED METALS, blest with power t j appease, 
 The ruthless rage of merciless disease, 
 O er the frail part a subtil fluid pour, 
 Drench d with invisible Galvanick shower, 
 Till the arthritick staff and " crutch forego, 
 And leap exulting like the bounding roe 1" 
 
XXXU INTRODUCTION. 
 
 What, though the CAUSES may not be explain d, 
 Since these effects are duly ascertain d, 
 Let not self interest, prejudice, or pride, 
 Induce mankind to set the means aside : 
 Means, which, though simple, are by Heaven design d, 
 To alleviate the woes of human kind ; 
 Life s darkest scenes with radiant light to cheer, 
 Wipe from the cheek of agony the tear. 
 
 Blest be his memory, who, in happy hour, 
 Gave to humanity this wondrous power ; 
 Friend to the wretched, time shall write thy name, 
 A second Howard, on the rolls of Fame 
 When late the fiend of Pestilence could boast 
 His power resistless o er the western coast, 
 Poison d the air with fell mephitick breath, 
 Gave countless thousands to the realms of death ; 
 Unmov d by fear, though relatives implore, 
 Mov d by no claim, save pity for the poor, 
 Thou didst, humane, with goodlike aim essay, 
 By med cine s power, his fury to allay ; 
 But soon COLUMBIA mourn d a PERKINS* doom, 
 Which swell d the triumph of the sateless tomb. 
 
 Ye worthy, honoured, philanthropick few, 
 The Muse shall weave her brightest wreaths for you. 
 Who, in HUMANITY S bland cause, unite, 
 Nor heed the shafts by interest aim d, or spite ; 
 Like the great Pattern of Benevolence, 
 Hygeia s blessings to the poor dispense ; 
 And, though oppos d by folly s servile brood, 
 
 ENJOY THE LUXURY OF DOING GOOD. 
 
CANTO I. 
 
 OURSELF ! 
 
 ARGUMENT. 
 
 GREAT Doctor Caustick is a sage 
 Whose merit gilds this iron age, 
 And who deserves, as you ll discover, 
 When you have conn d this canto over, 
 For grand discoveries and inventions, 
 A dozen peerages and pensions ; 
 But, having met with rubs and breakers, 
 From Perkins metal mischief makers ; 
 With but three halfpence in his pocket, 
 In verses blazing like sky rocket, 
 He first sets forth in this petition 
 His high deserts but low condition. 
 
 FROM garret high, with cobwebs hung, 
 The poorest wight that ever sung, 
 Most gentle Sirs, I come before ye ? 
 To tell a lamentable story. 
 
2 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 What makes my sorry case the sadder, 
 I once stood high on Fortune s ladder ; r 
 From whence contrive the fickle jilt did, 
 That your petitioner should be tilted. 
 
 And soon th unconscionable flirt, 
 Will tread me fairly in the dirt, 
 Unless, perchance, these pithy lays 
 Procure me pence as well as praise. 
 
 Already doom d to hard quill-driving, 
 Gainst spectred poverty still striving, 
 When e er I doze, from vigils pale, 
 Dame Fancy locks me fast in jail. 
 
 Necessity, though I am no wit, 
 Compels me now to turn a poet ; 
 Not born, but made, by transmutation, 
 And chymick process, call d starvation ! 
 
 1 I once stood high on Fortune s ladder. 
 
 Although Dame FORTUNA was, by ancient" mytholo- 
 gists, represented as a whimsical being, cutting her capers 
 on the periphery of a large wheel, I am justified in accom 
 modating her goddesship with a ladder, by virtue of a 
 figure in rhetorick called POETICA LICENTIA* (anglice) 
 poets licentiousness. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Though poet s trade, of all that I know, 
 Requires the least of ready rhino ; 
 I find a deficit of cash is 
 An obstacle to cutting dashes. 
 
 For gods and goddesses, who traffick 
 In cantos, odes, and lays seraphick, 
 Who erst Arcadian whistle blew sharp, 
 Or now attune Apollo s jews-harp, 
 
 Have sworn they will not loan me, gratis, 
 Their jingling sing-song apparatus, 
 Nor teach me how, nor where to chime in 
 My tintinabulum of rhyming. 2 
 
 What then occurs ? A lucky hit 
 I ve found a substitute for wit; 
 On Homer s pinions mounting high, 
 I ll drink Pierian puddle dry. 3 
 
 2 My tintinabulum of rhyming. 
 " The clock-work tintinabulum of rhyme. * COWPER. 
 
 s I ll drink Pierian puddle dry. 
 
 Pursuant to Mr. Pope s advice ; 
 
 " Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring." 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Beddoes (bless the good doctor) has 
 Sent me a bag full of his gas, 4 
 
 4 Sent me a bag full of his gas. 
 
 This wondrous soul-transporting modification of matter 
 is christened by chymists gaseous oxyd of nitrogen, and, 
 as will be evident, from the following sublime stanzas, 
 and my judicious comments thereon (in which I hold the 
 microscofie of criticism to those my peculiar beauties which 
 are not visible to the naked eye of common sense) is a sub 
 ject worthy the serious attention of the poet and physiolo 
 gist. 
 
 Any " half-formed witling," as Pope says (Essay on Cri 
 ticism) " may hammer crude conceptions into a sort of 
 measured nonsense, vulgarly called prose bewitched." 
 But the daring mortal, who aspires to " build with lofty 
 rhyme" an M-vi Monumentum, before he sets about the 
 mighty enterprise, must be filled with a sort of incompre 
 hensible quiddam of divine inflation. Then, if he can keep 
 clear of Bedlam, and be allowed the use of pen, ink, and 
 paper, every line he scribbles, and every phrase he utters, 
 will be a miracle of sublimity. Thus one Miss Sibyl re 
 mained stupid as a barber s block, till overpowered by the 
 everbearing influence of Phebus. But when 
 
 -ea fraena furenti 
 
 Concutit, et stimulos sub pectore vertit Apollo, 
 
 the frantick gipsy muttered responses at once sublime, 
 prophetick, and unintelligible, 
 
 Indeed, this furor mentis^ so necessary an ingredient in 
 the composition of the genuine poet, sometimes terminates 
 
^iiA 
 
 OF 
 
 NIVER3ITY 
 
 or 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Which, snuff d the nose up, makes wit brighter, 
 And eke a dunce an airy writer. 
 
 in real madness, as was unfortunately the case with Collins 
 and Smart : Swift, Johnson, and Cowper, were not without 
 dismal apprehensions of a similar fate. The wight, there 
 fore, who wishes to secure to himself a sublunary immor 
 tality by dint of poetizing, and happens not to be poeta 
 nascitur) must, like Doctor Caustick, in the present in 
 stance, seek a sort of cow-pock-like substitute for that 
 legitimate rabies, which characterizes the true sons of 
 Apollo. 
 
 Although my own experiments with Dr. Beddoes s sub 
 limating gas would not warrant me in pronouncing it 
 superiour to the genuine, fresh-imported waters of Helicon, 
 still I have no doubt but a person possessed, as Dr. Darwin 
 expresses it, of a " temperament of increased irritability," 
 or, as Dr. Brown would have it, whose animal machine 
 was accommodated with !a smaller quantity of " excita 
 bility," might receive astonishing benefits from the stimulus 
 of this gaseous oxyd of nitrogen. 
 
 Mature deliberation and sedulous investigation of this 
 important subject have led me to conclude, that the bene 
 fits which result from inhaling this gas, have been more 
 widely diffused than has been generally imagine*!, and not 
 at all confined to those persons in whom it produced the 
 singular effects detailed by Dr. Beddoes, in his ingenious 
 pamphlet on a certain windy institution, entitled, "Notice" 
 &c. Most of the sublime speculations of our modern 
 system-mongers, from Dr. Burnet, who encompassed 
 the earth with a crust, like the shell of a tortoise, and 
 which, being unfortunately fractured, produced a Noah s 
 flood, to Dr. Darwin, with his " omnia e cone his" have 
 arisen from immoderate potations of this bewildering gas. 
 
6 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 This precious gas, sirs, is the pink 
 Of pure philosophy, the link 
 With which great metaphysicians bind 
 To worlds of matter, worlds of mind. 
 
 The chymick basis of an ens, 
 
 A demi- animus, or mens, 
 
 A non-descript, tmene-etheria!, 
 
 But like some people s souls, material! 5 
 
 5 But like some people s souls material / 
 
 That most renowned modern philosopher, metaphysi 
 cian, theologian, &c. &c. Joseph Priestley, L. L. D. F. R.S. 
 and other things, 
 
 <c Who as the demon of the day decrees 
 
 Air, books, and water makes with equal ease," 
 
 Pursuits of Literature. 
 
 Who " could reduce all things to acts 
 
 And knew their natures by abstracts ; 
 
 Where entity and quiddity 
 
 The ghosts of defunct bodies fly," Hudibras. 
 
 has made many wonderful discoveries in the world of spi 
 rits. From him we learn that " On the whole, the state 
 of things is now such that it appears to be absolutely neces 
 sary to abandon the notion of a soul, if we would retain Chris 
 tianity at all. And happily the principles of it are as re 
 pugnant to that notion as those of any modern philosophy. * 
 Disquisitions relating to Matter and Spirit. Preface to 
 the second edition, p. xxx. Again he informs us (idem, 
 p. 99) "It will also, I think, be difficult to account for the 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 A mongrel sort of mind, created 
 From matter, erst oxygenated ; 
 Brew d while the elements were sparring 
 In chaos-quakes of Doctor Darwin. 6 
 
 separation of the soul from the body after death, unless the 
 spiritual substance be supposed to be a proper constituent 
 part of the solid mass which, like fixed air in bodies, is set 
 loose when the rest of the mass is dissolved, by putrefac 
 tion, or otherwise. If putrefaction or total dissolution be 
 the physical cause of this separation, is there not a good 
 foundation for the practice of the Egyptians, who pre 
 served the bodies of their friends as long as they possibly 
 could, probably with a view of retaining tneir souls in them 
 or near them ?" ! ! I 
 
 This scheme of Doctor Priestley, however, which evolves 
 souls from bodies, while the process of putrefaction is 
 carrying on, although it is undoubtedly very ingenious, is, 
 we are sorry to say, not very savoury, and we are not a 
 little apprehensive that some wag will call it a stinking 
 theory. 
 
 6 In chaos-quakes of Doctor Darwin. 
 
 "We can have no idea * says this sage of sages, "of a natu 
 ral power, which could project a sun out of chaos, except by 
 comparing it to the explosion of earthquakes, owing to the 
 sudden evolution of aqueous, or of other more elastick va 
 pours ; of the power of which, under immeasurable degrees 
 of heat and compression, we are yet ignorant. * Botanick 
 Garden, Canto I. Now there can be no doubt but this 
 same gas was manufactured in prodigious quantities, by 
 the agency of " elastick vapours" and * immeasurable de 
 grees of heat," and the explosions and combustions so poe- 
 
8 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 That vital principle, which one 
 Prometheus plundered from the sun. 7 
 It forms the intellect, or nous 
 Of man, of mammoth, or of mouse. 
 
 As animals (so Darwin said) 
 
 In Nile s organick mud were bred, 8 
 
 tically and philosophically described by Doctor Darwin as 
 giving origin to the universe. 
 
 7 Prometheus plundered from the sun. 
 
 Prometheus the son of lapetus and brother of Atlas 
 formed men of earth and water, and then stole from 
 Apollo this very gas, or something very like it, for their 
 principle of animation. (See Ovid s Metamorphoses.) Ju 
 piter behaved very shabbily on the occasion, and, instead 
 of rewarding him for his ingenuity, commanded Vulcan 
 to bind him. to Mount Caucasus with iron chains, and em 
 ployed a vulture to prey upon his liver. Dr. Swift, who 
 appears to have been as well acquainted with the court 
 history, and green room anecdotes of the gods of those 
 times as Ovid, or any of his predecessors, gives an account 
 of the management of the arch thief on this occasion. 
 
 Intelligencer, No, 14. 
 
 8 In Nile s organick mud were bred. 
 
 " Creative Nile, as taught in ancient song 
 
 So charmed to life his animated throng ; 
 
 O er his wide realms the slow subsiding flood 
 
 Left the rich treasures of organick. mud ; 
 
 Bird, beast, and reptile spring from sudden birth, 
 
 Raise their new forms, half animal, half earth, 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER, 
 
 But rose each generation, one key 
 To Adam, who was but a monkey ; 
 
 The roaring lion shakes his tawny mane, 
 His struggling limbs still rooted in the plain, 
 With flapping wings assurgent eagles toil 
 To rend their talons from the adhesive soil ! 
 The impatient serpent lifts his crested head, 
 And drags his train, unfinished from the bed. 
 As warmth and moisture blend their magick spells, 
 And brood with mingling wings, the slimy dells." Sec. 
 The Temple of Nature^ Canto I. 
 
 " In eodem corpore ssepe 
 Altera pars vivit ; rudis est pars altera tellus 
 Quippe ubi temperiem sumpsere humorque calorque, 
 Concipiunt ; et ab his oriuntur, cuncta duobus." 
 
 Ovid. Met. lib. i. 403. 
 
 $ To Adam, who was but a monkey. 
 
 Lord Monboddo says, however, that our common pro 
 genitor was an oran outan, and congratulates the human 
 race on his being a sort of an animal somewhat more ele 
 vated than the ape or monkey. However, the specifick 
 difference between all these animals, of the Simia species, 
 and man, is acknowledged to be so trifling that we shall 
 make them synonimous ; or at least take that liberty when 
 it becomes convenient for the better manufacturing of our 
 metre. For this we have a notable precedent in Butler. 
 
 <{ A squire he had, whose name was Ralph, 
 That in adventures went his half, 
 Though writers, for more stately tone, 
 Do call him Ralpho, tis all one : 
 And when we can with metre safe 
 Will call him so, if not plain Raph." 
 c 
 
10 MODERN PHILOSOPHER* 
 
 So Beddoes gas, Sirs, I m inclin d 
 To think we ll burnish into mind, 
 By dint of chymical gradations 
 And Doctor Darwin s fine nitrations. lo 
 
 And our philosophers will learn, 
 From timber such as this, to turn, 
 In this good age of grand inventions, 
 Souls of all sizes and dimensions. 
 
 This serves small poets for a shift, 
 Gives lagging lays a lubber lift, 
 Forms episodes and other tackling, 
 And sets your Florence geese a cackling. TI 
 
 10 And Doctor Darwin s fine filtrations. 
 
 ** The story from Ovid," says Doctor Darwin, " of the 
 production of animals from the mud of the Nile, seems 
 to be of Egyptian origin, and is probably a poetical account 
 of the opinions of the magi, or priests of that country ; 
 showing that the simplest animations were spontaneously 
 produced like chymical combinations ; but were distin 
 guished from the latter by their perpetual improvement 
 by the power of reproduction, first by solitary, and then 
 by sexual generation ; whereas the products of natural 
 chymistry are only enlarged by accretion, or purified, by 
 filtration." 
 
 11 And set your Florence geese a cackling. 
 This epithet the author of the Pursuits of Literature has 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 11 
 
 With this a brother bard, inflated, 
 Was so stupendously elated, 
 He tower d, like Garnerin s balloon, 
 Nor stopp d, like half wits, at the moon : 
 
 But scarce had breath d three times before he 
 Was hous d in heaven s high upper story, 12 
 Where mortals none but poets enter, 
 Above where Mah met s ass dar d venture. 
 
 Strange things he saw, and those who know him 
 Have said that, in his Epick Poem, I3 
 
 had the hardihood to bestow on the sublime writers in the 
 British Album, to wit, Delia Crusca, Anna Matilda & Co. 
 
 12 Was hous d in heaven s high upper story. 
 
 Brother Southey then made the important discovery 
 that " the atmosphere of the highest of all possible hea 
 vens was composed of this gas." 
 
 Beddoes s JVotice, 
 
 3 Have said that, in his Epick Poem. 
 
 The same poem to which the gentleman alludes in his 
 huge quarto edition of Joan ofdrc, in the words following 
 a Liberal criticism I shall attend to, and I hope to profit 
 by, in the execution of my MAPOC, an epick poem on 
 the discovery of America, by tiiat prince, on which I 
 am now engaged." 
 
 As liberal criticism appears to be a great desideratum with 
 this sublime poet, I trust he will gr-uefully acknowledge the 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 To be complete within a year hence, 
 They ll make a terrible appearance. 
 
 And now, to set my verses going, 
 Like " Joan of Arc," sublimely flowing;, 
 I ll follow Southey s bold example, 
 And snuff a sconce full, for a sample. 
 
 Good Sir, enough ! enough already ! 
 No more, for Heaven s sake ! steady ! steady ! 
 Confound your stuff! why how you sweat me ! 
 I d rather swallow all mount Etna ! 
 
 How swiftly turns this giddy world round, 
 Like tortur d top, by truant twirl d round ; 
 While Nature s capers wild amaze me, 
 The beldam s crack d or Caustick crazy ! H 
 
 specimens of my liberality towards a worthy brother, which 
 I propose hereafter to exhibit. 
 
 !< * The beldam s crack d or Caustick crazy. 
 
 Or, it is possible, may it please your worships, that I 
 I for the matter of that am a little te te tipsey, or so. - 
 But as there may perhaps be, as it were, now and then, 
 one of your Right Worshipful Fraternity, who has been 
 in a similar predicament se se ipse, I hope I shall receive 
 your worships* permission to stagger on with a jug full of 
 gas in my noddle, at least, through a stanza or two. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 13 
 
 I m larger grown from head to tail 
 Than mammoth, elephant, or whale ! 
 Now feel a " tangible extension" 
 Of semi-infinite dimension ! 5 
 
 Inflated with supreme intensity, 
 I fill three quarters of immensity ! 
 Should Phebus come this way, no doubt, 
 But I could blow his candle out ! 
 
 This earth s a little dirty planet, 
 
 And Pll no longer help to man it, 
 
 But off will flutter, in a tangent, 
 
 And make a harum scarum range on t ! l6 
 
 J 5 Now feel a " tangible extension" 
 Of semi-infinite dimension. 
 
 Much in the same way was Mr. Davy affected in conse 
 quence of respiring this soul-elevating gas. He informs 
 us, that after having been shut up in a breathing-box for 
 an hour and a quarter, " A thrilling, extending from the 
 chest to the extremities, was almost immediately produced. 
 I felt a tangible extension, highly pleasurable in every 
 limb ; my visible impressions were dazzling, and appa 
 rently magnified. * Davy s Researches Chymical and Philo 
 sophical. 
 
 16 But off will flutter in a tangent, 
 
 And make a harum scarum range on t ! 
 
 Mr. Davy s dose had a similar operation. He says, " I 
 
14 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Stand ye appall d ! quake ! quiver ! quail ! 
 For lo I stride a comet s tail ! 
 
 lost all connexion with external things. Trains of vivid 
 visible images rapidly passed through my mind, and 
 were connected with words, in such a manner as to pro 
 duce perceptions perfectly novel. I existed in a world of 
 newly connected, and newly modified ideas. I theorized, 
 I imagined that I made discoveries." [Perhaps if the 
 learned lecturer were to repeat the dose, he might in reality 
 hit on something of little less importance than the grand 
 discoveries of Dr. Caustick,] " When I was awakened 
 from this semi-delirious trance, by Dr. Kinglake, who took 
 the bag from my mouth, indignation and pride were the 
 first feelings produced by the sight of the persons about 
 me. My motions were enthusiastick and sublime, and for 
 a minute I walked round the room perfectly regardless 
 of what was said to me. As I recovered my former state 
 of mind I felt an inclination to communicate the discoveries 
 I had made during the experiment. I endeavoured to 
 recall the ideas : they were feeble and indistinct. One col 
 lection of terms, however, presented itself; and with the 
 most intense belief, and prophetick manner I exclaimed to 
 Dr. Kinglake, " Nothing exists but thought ; the universe < 
 is composed of impressions, ideas, pleasures, and pains ! I" 
 
 Davy s Researches. 
 
 My sensations in consequence of respiring this gas were 
 not precisely the same, though somewhat similar to those 
 of Mr. Davy. That gentleman could not u recall the vivid 
 visible images" which made such " rapid progress through 
 his mind, and produced perceptions perfectly novel !" 
 But I have recorded, in the following stanzas, some of the 
 most important ideas, which passed through my mind, and 
 am willing to own that pride and indignation were predomi* 
 nant. 
 
MODJERN PHILOSOPHER. 15 
 
 If my deserts you fail t acknowledge, 
 I ll drive it plump against your college ! ! 
 
 But if your Esculapian band 
 Approach my highness, cap in hand, 
 And show vast tokens of humility, 
 I ll treat your world with due civility. 
 
 As Doctor Young foretold, right soon 
 I ll make your earth another moon, !7 
 
 J 7 I ll make your earth another moon. 
 
 The idea of the practicability of this stupendous perform 
 ance I derived March 28th at the Royal Institution, into 
 the gallery of which I had the happiness to obtain admis 
 sion, by virtue of a borrowed blue ticket. That learned 
 lecturer was then discoursing on Secondary Planets, Moon, 
 Satellites, Force of Gravitation, Keplean Laws, &c. In 
 the course of his observations he alluded to the well known 
 apprehensions of the hen-hearted Sir Isaac Newton, re 
 specting the mischief comets might produce to our earth, 
 should any of these journeying gentry take it into their 
 heads to come within the sphere of its attraction. 
 
 Whether the humane, polite, and learned Doctor was 
 impelled to this speculation from perceiving an emotion 
 like that of terrour and anxiety among the fair part of his 
 audience, which he was solicitous to dispel, or whether 1-e 
 has actually discovered some new secret in the laws of 
 gravitation, evincing that the largest bodies are attracted 
 most powerfully by the smallest, and tiiat cf consequence 
 one of these huge flaming masses of matter, whose ve- 
 
16 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 And Phebus then, an arrant ass, 
 May turn his ponies out to grass. 
 
 locity and projectile force are almost incalculable, ought, 
 in conformity to the said new laws, to take up its resi 
 dence among us, and, with all the politeness and agility of 
 a French dancing master, skip about our puny globe in 
 company with Miss Luna, are points which, with me re 
 main undetermined ; but such certainly were the cheering 
 hopes his profound speculations led us to entertain. 
 
 If we are really to be blessed with another moon from 
 this source (I should have termed it a sun) it will evi 
 dently not be such a changeable jade as our s is at present ; 
 for, being an entire flame, it will shine with unborrowed 
 lustre ; so that it will be a matter of no consequence whe 
 ther its face or backside is turned towards us. In that 
 case our new moon, as was judiciously observed by a 
 Hibernian of my acquaintance, would be of more conse 
 quence than even the sun himself, for he shines only in 
 the day time, when we can see very well without him. 
 
 On the whole, after weighing the subject maturely, de 
 liberately, and considerately, as its importance requires, 
 I am disposed to think that we are indebted to the ladies 
 for this lunary (not lunatick) speculation of Dr. Young. 
 This opinion I ground on the excessive sensibility which 
 that polite lecturer on many occasions shows and most 
 undoubtedly feels for the fair sex. 
 
 Leaving these moot points, however, to be decided by 
 more competent judges, I cannot pass over one important 
 affair which I have just right to exclaim against, as an in 
 fringement on my rights as a free-born British subject. 
 Every proprietor of the Royal Institution has two red 
 tickets transferable, which admit the possessor into the 
 lower part;, or body of the house, and also one blue ticket, 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 17 
 
 But now, alas ! a wicked wag 
 
 Has pull d away the gaseous bag : 
 
 From heaven, where thron d, like Jove I sat, 
 
 I m fall n ! fall n ! fall n ! down, flat ! flat ! flat ! * 
 
 transferable, to take his servants into the gallery. I have 
 said above that I obtained a seat in the gallery by the aid 
 of one of these blue tickets. This ticket I borrowed of 
 Sir Joseph s coachman. Could it be imagined that my 
 presence should have caused so much alarm, that orders 
 should be immediately given that no person should there 
 after be admitted by the blue ticket, which orders are in 
 force to this day ? Knowing that I could not contrive to 
 possess myself of a red ticket, to admit, me among ladies 
 and gentlemen, this arrangement was intended for my 
 particular vexation. 
 
 Being on good terms with the coachman aforesaid, I have 
 been allowed to hold this blue ticket in possession, and have 
 frequently essayed, by virtue thereof, to enter the gal 
 lery. But that old Cerberus of a door keeper has ever growl 
 ed me back again, with a Gorgon-like aspect which 
 would have petrified any heart, unless like mine, it were 
 previously rendered callous by adversity. 
 
 Indeed it is apparent, from the conduct of the Managers, 
 that the whole host of Literati at the Royal Institution 
 would be more terrified at beholding the meagre phiz of 
 Doctor Caustick stretched over the front seat of the gal 
 lery, to scrutinize their proceedings, than if the cloven 
 footed fiend should in reality make his personal appearance 
 in the midst of them. 
 
 ,8 I m fall n! fall n! fall n ! down, flat! flat! flat! 
 
 See Dryden s Feast of Alexander, where one king Da 
 ft 
 

 18 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Thus, as the ancient story goes, 
 When o er Avernus flew the crows, 
 They were so stench d, in half a minute. 
 They giddy grew and tumbled in it: 
 
 And thus a blade, who is too handy 
 To help himself to wine or brandy, 
 At first gets higher, then gets lower, 
 Then tumbles dead drunk on the floor ! 
 
 Such would have been my sad case, if 
 I d taken half another tiff*; 
 And even now, I cannot swear, 
 I m not as mad as a March hare ! 
 
 How these confounded gasses serve us ! 
 But Beddoes says that I am nervous, 
 And that this oxyd gas of nitre 
 Is bad for such a nervous writer ! 
 
 Indeed, Sir, Doctor, very odd it is 
 
 That you should deal in such commodities, 
 
 rius has a terrible tumble down, beautifully described by 
 half a dozen " fallens." But I think the Persian monarch 
 did not, after all, fall quite sojiai as Doctor Caustick. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 19 
 
 Which drive a man beside his wits. 
 And women to hysterick fits ! * 9 
 
 Now, since this wildering gas inflation 
 Is not the thing for inspiration, 
 I ll take a glass of cordial gin, 
 Ere my sad story I begin ; 
 
 And then proceed with courage stout, 
 From " hard-bound brains" to hammer out 
 My case forlorn, in doleful ditty, 
 To melt your worships hearts to pity. 
 
 Sirs, I have been in high condition, 
 
 A right respectable PHYSICIAN; 
 
 And passed, with men of shrewd discerning, 
 
 For wight of most prodigious learning ; 
 
 For I could quote, with flippant ease, 
 Grave Galen and Hippocrates, 
 
 J 9 And women to hyaterick fits. 
 
 See the lamentable case of the Lady, page 1 6th of Dr. 
 Beddoes s pamphlet, who, taking a drop too much of this 
 panacea, fell into hysterical fits, Sec. 
 
20 MODERN PHILOSOPHER, 
 
 Brown, Cullen, Sydenham and such men, 
 Besides a shoal of learned Dutchmen. M 
 
 In all disorders was so clever, 
 From toothach, up to yellow fever, 
 That I by learned men was reckon d 
 Don Esculapius the second ! 
 
 No case to me was problematick ; 
 Pains topical or symptomatick, 
 From aching head, to gouty toes, 
 The hidden cause I could disclose. 
 
 Minute examiner of Nature, 
 And most sagacious operator, 
 I could discern, prescribe, apply 
 And cure 2I disease in louse s eye. 2 * 
 
 20 Besides a shoal of learned Dutchmen. 
 
 Boerhaave, Steno, De Graff, Swammerdam, Zimmer 
 man, cum multis ali{$. By the by, gentlemen, this epi 
 thet shoal is not always to be taken in a shallow sense ; but 
 when applied to such deeji fellows, must be considered as 
 a noun of multitude, as we say a shoal of herrings. 
 
 31 discern, prescribe, apply, 
 
 And cure 
 
 My learned friend, Dr. Timothy Triangle perusing the 
 manuscript of this my pithy petition, discovered that my 
 
MODERN PHIL6SOPHER. 
 
 To insect small as e er one sees 
 Floating in torrid summer breeze, 
 
 description of the modus ofierandi on the insect as above, 
 compared with the celebrated " vent, -vidi, -vici" as a spe 
 cimen of fine writing, is superiour in the direct proportion 
 of four to three ; consequently Dr. Caustick has advanced 
 one step higher in the climax of sublimity than Julius 
 Cesar. 
 
 22 - disease in louse s eye. 
 
 I do not pretend that in this, and other acquisitions here 
 in stated, I have been so fortunate as to exceed many other 
 profound geniuses, who have delighted the learned world 
 with sublime discoveries in the abstruse sciences of insect 
 ology, mite-ology, and nothing-ology. Such gentlemen, 
 for instance, asLeuwehhoek, Reaumur, Swammerdam, and 
 Monsieur Lyonet. Indeed I have discovered prodigious 
 curiosities, which escaped the notice of the latter philo 
 sopher, in the organization of La Chenille de Saule, or 
 caterpillar of the willow. The extent of his discoveries 
 on this insect will be perceived from the following statement 
 by Adams, in his work on the microscope. " The number 
 of muscles that our observer (M. Lyonet) has been able 
 to distinguish is truly astonishing. He found 228 in the 
 head, 1647 in the body, and 2066 iji the intestinal tube, 
 in all 3941." 
 
 And I might boast that I have felt the feverish pulse 
 of that invisible family, the Animalcula Infusoria ; and 
 effected jugular phlebotomy 6n a sick louse, without sub 
 jecting the unhappy insect to the ad unguem operation, at 
 tempted by every bungling old woman, in our scl?olastick 
 nurseries. In short, gentlemen, in my opinion, I ought 
 to be placed in the ranks of literature, somewhere within 
 im-shot of Linn je us. 
 
22 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Although to less than nothing verging, 
 Could give a vomit or a purging. 
 
 I had a curious little lancet, 
 Your worships could not help but fancy it, 
 By which I show d, with skill surprising, 
 The whole art of jfefl-botomizing ! 
 
 And with it oft inoculated 
 
 (At which friend Jenner ll be elated) 
 
 Flies, fleas, and gnats, with cow-pock matter, 
 
 And not one soul took small-pox a ter ! 
 
 Could take a microscopick mite, 
 Invisible to naked sight ; 
 Ad infinitum, could divide it, 
 For times unnumbered have I tried it. 
 
 With optick glass, of great utility, 
 Could make the essence of nihility 
 
 But I have still further claims to your polite attention. 
 I am an animal, of the Class of Illuminati, the Order of 
 Authors, the Genus of Poets, and the Sjiecies of Garreteers, 
 which last distinction shows me to be an elevated charac 
 ter, and of consequence one who ought to stand high in 
 your estimation. 
 
 I 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 23 
 
 To cut a most enormous figure, 
 
 As big as St. Paul s church, or bigger ! 23 
 
 23 As big as St. Paul*s church, or bigger I 
 
 I propose, immediately, to open a shop for the manu 
 facture of these glasses, provided I can obtain sufficient 
 credit for that purpose. Then of course Adams, Jones> 
 and Dolland, rfrust shut up theirs. I shall admit into 
 partnership with me a friend of mine, who some time 
 since applied to the Honourable Board of Longitude, 
 humbly hoping to obtain a premium for having invented 
 an optical instrument, which would display the wing of a 
 fly, placed on the top of St. Paul s, and peered at from 
 the street adjacent, as large as the mainsail of a man of 
 war. 
 
 It is well known that this distinguished, right honoura 
 ble body are little less noted than the gentlemen of the 
 Trinity House, for their discernment in appreciating true 
 merit, and their liberality in rewarding those artists whose 
 inventions or discoveries have any connexion with the 
 improvement of navigation, especially if such artist hap 
 pen to be as fioor as he is ingenious. The said Board of 
 Longitude were so astonishingly liberal in the present in 
 stance, that they offered to reward him with no less 
 than thirty pounds sterling ; and I have no doubt but they 
 would have paid the whole sum, either in cash, or accepted 
 bills of a short date. This, indeed, was a huge sum, 
 when it is considered that the inventor had laboured, with 
 unremitting assiduity, in perfecting this instrument no 
 more than seven years. But his indignant ingenuity 
 spurned at the sum as trifling and inadequate, and he ac 
 cordingly broke his glass before the faces of his noble pa 
 trons. 
 
24 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 A soldier in my glass s focus, 24 
 Without the aid of hocus pocus, 
 
 But notwithstanding the unfortunate issue of this appli 
 cation, great men like Dr. Caustick, and my friend afore 
 said, have always resources in their own minds, sufficient 
 to enable them to force their way forward in society. Im 
 provements of such magnitude are now introduced in the 
 mechanism of this instrument, principally by my instru 
 mentality, that we should be justified in refusing any re 
 ward, as too trivial for our merits,- which the united funds 
 of all Europe could bestow. 
 
 I shall only state to your worships a few of the impor 
 tant objects to which our astonishing magnifier may be 
 advantageously applied. 
 
 It has been supposed, by some people of little or no re 
 search, that persons (very unlike the gentlemen of the 
 Trinity House and the honourable Board above mentioned) 
 have no souls. But by taking a squint at them through 
 our instrument, which makes nihility visible, you may per 
 ceive that each has a soul about the size of a large lob 
 ster. 
 
 A certain statesman had been thought to possess no ta 
 lents, and to be sure they were not quite visible to the 
 naked eye ; but, when peered at through our peerless mi 
 croscope, this same statesman not only appeared superiour 
 to Machiavel, as a politician, but his splendid abilities shed 
 ineffable lustre on all his relations / / 
 
 This microscope is equally useful in magnifying s?r- 
 -viccsy which have been rendered to the community. Thus 
 the uncles, aunts, cousins, sisters, brothers, and little 
 children of the aforesaid statesman, by virtue thereof, seem- 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 25 
 
 Briareus-like, terrifick stands^ 
 With fifty heads and hundred hands ! 
 
 A fish-boat seems a grand flotilla, 
 To frighten Addington or Billy ; 
 Appears a dreadful French invasion 
 T ? annihilate the British nation. 
 
 Could tell, and never be mistaken, 
 What future oaks were in an acorn ; 
 
 ed to have rendered such services to the community, that 
 nothing short of the most princely revenues, clerkships of 
 Pells, Sec. &c. &c. could reward them in proportion to 
 their deserts, or enable them to support, in a suitable man 
 ner, their newly acquired dignity. 
 
 2 4 A soldier in my glass s focus. 
 
 Somewhat similar to the microscope described by Mr. 
 Adams. 
 
 " LeuWenhoek discovered in the eyes of the Libellula 
 J2544 triangular lenses, each forming a distinct image of 
 the object placed before it. On turning your eye towards 
 a soldier, by the aid of the mirrour of the microscope, 
 you will have an army of pigmies, performing every 
 motion in the same instant of time." 
 
 Mams on the Microscope, fi. 339. 
 
 My improvement of the glasses renders each " of these 
 pigmies" as big as a Polyphemus. 
 
 E 
 
26 MODERN PHILOSOPHER 
 
 And even calculate, at pleasure, 
 
 The cubick inches they would measure. 
 
 Scotland could never boast a wight, 
 Could match ouRSELFat second sight. * 5 
 Nor Wales a wizard, who so well 
 Could destiny s decrees foretell. 
 
 For we d a precious knack at seeing, 
 Not only matters not in being, 
 But ever and anon would still be 
 Foreseeing things which never will be 2(S 
 
 2 5 Could match OURSELF at second sight. 
 
 That your worships may be able to form something like 
 an idea of the wonderful ken of our mental opticks, it will 
 be necessary to con with diligence the opinions of Dr. 
 Johnson on this subject, as expressed in his tour to the 
 Hebrides. The Doctor there tells us, that though he " never 
 could advance his curiosity to conviction, yet ho came 
 away at last, willing to believe." But we would have all 
 those who anticipate the deriving any advantage from our 
 slight at second seeing, not only willing, but absolutely 
 predetermined to " believe/* positive evidence to the con 
 trary notwithstanding. 
 
 26 Foreseeing things which never will be. 
 
 Yes, gentlemen ; among other great and wonderful 
 events, which we foretold, but which never have happened, 
 and moreover never will happen, was the restoration of the 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 27 
 
 Discovered worlds within the pale 
 
 Of tip-end of a tadpole s tail, 
 
 And took possession of the same 
 
 In our good friend, Sir JOSEPH S name ; 27 
 
 And soon shall publish, by subscription, 
 A topographical description 
 Of worlds aforesaid, which shall go forth 
 In fooPs cap folio, gilt, and so forth, 
 
 Could tell how far a careless fly 
 Might chance to turn this globe awry, 
 
 Jews by the intervention of that renowned pacificator, Buo 
 naparte. We first prophecied, and many men of our cast 
 who had a knack at prying into futurity, echoed our pre 
 diction, that ihefiious emperour of the Gauls would make 
 Jerusalem the head quarters of the Millennium, and under 
 our auspices many a wandering Jew was recruited, and 
 stood in readiness to march at a moment s warning to 
 take possession of his patrimonial property. 
 
 27 In our good friend, Sir JOSEPH S name. 
 
 This was immensely proper, as I propose colonizing 
 these hitherto Terra Incognito, and know of no person 
 in existence, except myself (who am now decrepit with 
 age, and, alas, sadly poverty stricken) whose scientifick 
 qualifications, knowledge of the coast, and well known ar 
 dent zeal in the science of Tadpolism, so well entitle him 
 to command such an important expedition. 
 
28 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 If flitting round, in giddy circuit, ; 
 
 With leg or wing, he kick or jerk it ! 2S 
 
 Could amputate with ease, I trow, 
 A puppy s leg in utero; * 9 
 
 28 With leg or wing, he kick or jerk it. 
 
 Could we command the years of a Nestor, " the indelible 
 ink * of a Lettsom, and the diligence of a Dutch commen-. 
 tator- we should still readily acknowledge that our powers 
 were totally inadequate to the task of eulogising, in pro 
 portion to their merits, the philosophical and literary per 
 formances of that profound sage, Di\ James Anderson, 
 LLD. FRS. Scotland, &c. &c. Sec. &c. whose mysterious 
 hints afford a clue by which we have been enabled to add 
 lustre to the present age, by many of our own sublime 
 discoveries and inventions. 
 
 In his deep, work called " Recreations in Agriculture and 
 Natural History" the Doctor says, among other things 
 not less marvellous, " The mathematician can demonstrate 
 with the most decisive certainty, that no fly can alight on 
 this globe which we inhabit, without communicating rao- 
 tion to it ; and he can ascertain, with the most accurate 
 precision, if so he choose to do" (by the by, this sine qua 
 non part of the sentence is very beautiful, and not at all 
 redundant) " what must be the exact amount of the motion 
 thus produced." VoL ii,/?. 350. 
 
 2 9 A puppy s leg in utero. 
 
 More wonderful matter, perfected from hints of Dr. A. 1 
 After telling the publick how to propagate rabbits with one 
 par, which would be no less useful than the renowned 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 29 
 
 Have matters comical in tow, 
 For docking colts in embryo. 3 
 
 And could prepare a puny fry 
 Of yet unborn fiomunculi 
 
 Gulliver s breed of " naked sheep," the Doctor says, " I 
 know another instance of a dog, which was brought forth 
 with three legs only, the fourth being wanting :" (which 
 last curious circumstance might possibly happen, if it had 
 three legs only.} u It chanced to be a female ; she has had 
 several litters of puppies, and among these several indivi 
 duals were produced that had the same defect with herself \ 
 but no pains were taken to perpetuate this breed by pairing 
 them with others of the same kind." To be sure a most 
 lamentable circumstance ! Vol. Lfi. 68. 
 
 3 For docking colts in embryo. 
 
 Another Andersonianism. " It has been several times," 
 says the Doctor, " taken notice of by naturalists, that in 
 England, where the practice of docking horses very short, 
 for a long time prevailed, the horses naturally produced 
 have fewer joints in their tails than those of other countries ; 
 and though I have never heard it noticed, that any were 
 produced, without having a tail that required to be dock 
 ed, yet it may have often happened without being re 
 marked ; for as it would not be known, when old, from 
 one that had been docked, it might pass unobserved." 
 The Doctor afterwards appears surprised (as well he 
 might be, at such an extraordinary phenomenon) that 
 many men, who have lost a leg or an arm have had chil 
 dren after the accident, and these, for the most part, free 
 from any blemish ! ! 
 
30 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 To chant the dulcified squeakissimo, 
 And eke to trill the grand squallissimo. * 
 
 By bare inspecting, though months a ter, 
 A place where patient had made water, 
 We could divine, with skill unfailing, 
 Of what disorder he was ailing ! 
 
 And you ll allow, sans hesitation, 
 
 On score of vast accommodation, 
 
 That few discoveries this can equal, 
 
 When you have heard us through the sequel. 
 
 For bottled urine has, no doubt, 
 
 In publick mails been frank >d about ; 
 
 3 1 And eke to trill the grand squallissimo. 
 
 I anticipate the being idolized by amateurs of Italian 
 operas for this my beautiful invention. Surely it must be 
 allowed I have herein far exceeded even what my friend 
 Doctor Anderson would have supposed possible. As soon 
 as this my invention is made publick (which shall take 
 place whenever I have by patent, or parliamentary dona^ 
 tion, secured to myself the emoluments thereunto belong 
 ing) John Bull may gratify his delicate taste for refined 
 musick, without the trouble and expense of importing 
 from Italy those pretty tilings^ whose delicious warblings 
 compose the soul of true melody. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOFHER. 31 
 
 (A thing there must be mighty trouble in) 
 To London as it were, from Dublin, 3 * 
 
 That such a man as Doctor Mayersbach, 
 (Such things took place not many years back) 3J 
 
 3* To London as it were from Dublin. 
 
 
 
 Contemplate for a moment, gentlemen, the extreme 
 inconvenience attending the present mode of conveying, 
 for the purpose of medical scrutiny, the singular contents 
 of these bottles, to and fro, from Dan to Beersheba. Be 
 sides, our patients cannot all be Lord Lieutenants of Ire 
 land. They cannot all enjoy the privilege of franking, 
 per mail, all sorts of commodities ; and unless by parti 
 cular act of parliament, allowing bottles of urine, like 
 stamped almanacks, a free passage per mail, to any part 
 of his majesty s dominions, I confess I do not see how 
 Dr. Mayersbach can exercise, so often as could be wished, 
 his soothsaying sagacity on the precious contents of such 
 bottles. 
 
 33 Such things took place not many years back. 
 
 I was at the house of Dr. M. when the postman, besides 
 the usual budget of letters, brought a huge bottle franked 
 from Dublin Castle. I have particular satisfaction, how 
 ever, in stating, for the information of those ladies and 
 gentlemen who by the same mail may have received either 
 love letters, or state letters, that I have no reason to ap 
 prehend (as there was no apparent leakage or fissure in 
 the bottle) that those letters were actually p d upon. 
 
32 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Might view this urick oxyd s basis, 34 
 And rightly understand the cases. 
 
 But I ve a plan by which our betters 
 May make a few drops on their letters ; 35 
 
 34 urick oxyd s basis. 
 
 I wish it may not be inferred, from my adopting the 
 term Urick Oxyd, that I propose to take any part in the 
 controversy between Doctor Pearson and that blustering 
 Foureroy ; though I have no hesitation in asserting (in 
 firi-vato] that my countryman is right. But I would sub 
 mit to any brother poet, who knows that 
 
 " Rhyme the rudder is of verses, 
 
 " By which, like ships, they steer their courses," 
 
 and who sometimes, like myself, is non-plussed for want 
 of a proper expression to convey an important idea, whe 
 ther there need be any other proof of the existence of the 
 Urick Oxyd than the genteel gingle thereby introduced in 
 this my incomparable poem, and the happy opportunity 
 thereby afforded for mentioning an indelicate matter in 
 so delicate a manner, that the most delicate fierson in 
 existence (myself for instance) may express the thing, 
 and preserve his, or her cheek, as free from a blush as a 
 snow-ball. Supposing I had said, " Lithick Acid," as 
 Scheele and Foureroy would have had me ; not a soul 
 would have understood it. 
 
 3* May make a few drops on their letters. 
 
 You will please, gentlemen, to take particular notice, 
 that my mode of consecrating e-/2^-olary favours intended 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 33 
 
 And though it be but " monstrous little," 
 I ll tell what ails them to a tittle : 
 
 And since I ought, as well as Jenner, 
 To have some pence to buy a dinner, 
 I shall solicit cash and thanks 
 From parPment, for preventing franks. 
 
 Oft have I quench d man s vital spark : 
 " The soul s old cottage," cold and dark, 
 Again, in spite of Death, our grand ill, 
 Illum d as one would light a candle. 3fi 
 
 the Esculapian fraternity, will effectually preclude the risk 
 of any accident happening to a whole mail of letters, many 
 of which are frequently neatly folded, and addressed to as 
 modest and delicate persons as any in the kingdom. 
 
 36 Illum d as one would light a candle. 
 
 In my younger days I lived on terms of intimacy with 
 Doctor Franklin, highly honourable to both parties, as it 
 showed we were both men of discernment in choosing each 
 a great man for his friend. 
 
 In a letter from that venerable sage, afterwards printed 
 (See franklin s Works> /*. 1 15, vol. ii. third edition} he told 
 me that toads buried in sand, shut up in hollow trees, &c. 
 would live forever, as it were ; and, among other things, 
 informed me of certain curious facts about flies, which I 
 will relate in his own words. " I have seen an instance of 
 common flies preserved in a manner somewhat similar. 
 They had been drowned in Madeira wine, apparently about 
 
 F 
 
34 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 And we can drown your worships in, 
 Suppose we say a pipe of gin, 
 
 the time when it was bottled in Virginia, to be sent to Lon 
 don. At the opening of one of the bottles, at the house 
 of a friend where I was, three drowned flies fell into the 
 first glass which was filled. Having heard it remarked 
 that drowned flies were capable of being revived by the 
 rays of the sun, I proposed making the experiment upon 
 these. They were therefore exposed to the sun upon a 
 sieve, which had been employed to strain them out of the 
 wine. In less than three hours two of them began by de 
 grees to recover life. They commenced by some convul 
 sive motions of the thighs, and at length they raised them 
 selves upon their legs, wiped their eyes with their fore feet, 
 beat and brushed their wings, with their hind feet, and 
 soon after began to fly, finding themselves in Old England, 
 without knowing how they came thither. The third con 
 tinued, lifeless until sun-set, when, losing all hopes of him, 
 he was thrown away. 
 
 " I wish it were possible, from this instance, to invent a 
 method of embalming drowned persons, in such a man 
 ner that they might be recalled to life, at any period, 
 however distant ; for having a very ardent desire to see and 
 observe the state of America a hundred years hence, I 
 should prefer to an ordinary death the being immersed in a 
 cask of Madeira wine, with a few friends, until that time, then 
 to be recalled to life by the solar warmth of my dear coun 
 try. But since, in all probability, we live in an age too 
 early, and too near the infancy of science, to see such 
 an art brought in our time to perfection, I must, for the 
 present, content myself with the treat which you are 
 so kind as to promise me, of the resurrection of a fowl 
 or turkey cock." 
 
 Now, if your worships will be so obliging as to^make 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 35 
 
 And then revive you when you please, 
 Preserv d like toads in hollow trees. 
 
 And since this is a fact, it follows, 
 That we can winter you with swallows ; 
 Therefore, in autumn would not stick 
 To merge you in a muddy creek. 37 
 
 me a present of a cask of Madeira to try the experiment, 
 I will certainly bury myself therein for a century or two, 
 and I have no doubt but I shall be awakened with as much 
 facility as was Endymion, the famous sleeper of antiquity, 
 who slept seventy years at one nap. 
 
 37 To merge you in a muddy creek. 
 
 That it is very practicable to pickle swallows in this way 
 no man can doubt for a moment, who has ever read a cer 
 tain article in the Medical Repository of New-York, which 
 is no other than the testimony of a Mr. Peter Cole, and 
 goes in this sort. " As I was standing at my door, between 
 the hours of five and six in the morning, I observed a 
 very large flock of swallows, flying in an easterly direc 
 tion. I immediately repaired to the pond, where there 
 was already a vast number collected in the reeds and 
 rushes. They continued coming for nearly the space of 
 half an hour, and vast numbers of them were flying over 
 the water in almost every direction. Some of these birds 
 appeared to run on the surface of the water, with great ra 
 pidity, towards the east corner of the pond, and in the 
 twinkling of an eye disappeared under the water, and rose 
 
 All this the man says he saw with a <{ spy glass." 
 
 Medical Repository, -vol. ii. 178. 
 
36 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 But if we cannot well contrive, 
 To dig your worships out alive, 
 Will make you into petrifactions, 
 For our philosophers transactions. 3f 
 
 Now, if your worships, with an optical tube, will trace 
 with precision the motions of a swallow on the wing, " be 
 tween the hours of five and six in the morning" among 
 " reeds and rushes" and of consequence alternations of 
 light and shade, we will pronounce you to possess pene 
 tration not inferiour to that of Mr. Peter Cole. If, how 
 ever, you should be inadequate to this task, we hope you 
 will willingly submit to our above proposed experiment. 
 
 3 8 For our philosophers* transactions. 
 
 I crave the honour, in this place, of introducing to your 
 worships a set of the most stupendous philosophers (OUR- 
 SELF excepted) that ever decorated human nature. Indeed, 
 gentlemen, I recommend them to you as samples of that 
 perfectibility of man, which philosophers have long since 
 promised, and which we in America are beginning to real 
 ize. These are the president and members of the TRUE 
 
 AMERICAN PHILOSOPHICAL SOCIETY, 
 
 " fama super sethera nod," 
 
 jinglice, pretty well known in Philadelphia, 
 
 men, who have in many sublime instances, fallen but little 
 below us in discovery -making and manufacturing useful 
 inventions. 
 
 Wheresoever these philosophers have beaten the bushes 
 they have been sure to start and hunt down all the game ; 
 and not a cranny in and about Dame Nature have these 
 gentlemen left unexplored ; all which is very evident from 
 a glance at their doings, called " Transactions," &c. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 37 
 
 We ve shown a mode, in Latin thesis, 
 To pick man s frail machine to pieces, 
 
 Now having a most ardent and laudable ambition to twist 
 ourself into the good graces of these great geniuses, we 
 have been casting about for ways and means of making 
 them a present, which may not disgrace our pretensions. 
 We have sometimes had it in view to manufacture a com 
 plete set of Mammoth bones, and likewise to fabricate a 
 Megalonyx s claw or two ; and making a pompous parade 
 with our donations, to rival parson Leland with his mam 
 moth cheese. But when we came to peruse the fourth 
 volume of the doings of these gentlemen, we found about 
 twenty pages, filled with the names of the donors of 
 certain curiosities, together with their invaluable presents. 
 Such for instance as " a ball of hair, found in the stomach 
 of a mule ;" " a stone found in the stomach of a cow ;" 
 " some petrifactions of wood from Martinique ;" " a pair of 
 Indian boy s leggings ;" " a specimen of petrified supposed 
 buffaloe dung;" " skin of an Indian taken from the side;" 
 &c Sec. The perusal of these most instructive and amusing 
 articles furnished us with a key to the character of this 
 learned society, of which we shall so far take advantage as 
 to introduce ourself into the penetralia of their warmest 
 affections. Instead of Indian hides and petrified buffaloes 
 dung, we propose to make them a most magnificent pre 
 sent, which will figure in their next volume of doings in 
 this wise : 
 
 DONOR. PRESENT. 
 
 The right worshipful A Royal College of 
 
 Christopher Caustick, Petrified Physicians. 
 
 L.L.D. ASS. &c. Sec. &c. 
 
 Now, I would venture your worships a trifle (to be paid 
 to your executors in case my experiment succeeds) that 
 on the receipt of my prodigious present, I shall be elected 
 
38 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 And how the same again to botch, 
 Just as an artist does a watch ! 39 
 
 Patron and President of the " TRUE American Philosophi 
 cal Society." 
 
 3 9 Just as an artist does a watch ! 
 
 I do not arrogate to myself the whole merit of this no 
 ble invention. Dr. Price and Mr. Godwin, in divers elabo 
 rate works, especially the latter, in his Political Justice, 
 suggested some ideas which set my ingenuity in such a 
 ferment, that I could not rest quietly till I had brewed a 
 sublime treatise on the best mode of pulling down, repairing 
 and rebuilding, decayed and worn out animal machines. 
 
 I shall not attempt, in this place, to oblige your wor 
 ships with any thing like a table of the contents of this ju 
 dicious and profound performance. I will, however, gra* 
 tify your curiosity so far as to glance cursorily at a few of 
 the leading topicks therein discussed and illustrated, and 
 slightly mention some of the immense advantages which 
 will be the result of this discovery. 
 
 In the first place, I make it apparent, by a long series of 
 experiments and scientifick deductions, drawn therefrom, 
 that it is very practicable to enlighten the mind of a stupid 
 fellow, by battering, boring, or pulling his body to pieces. 
 Mr. poet Waller s authority is here to my purpose, who 
 tells us, that 
 
 <c The soul s dark cottage batter d and decay d, 
 
 " Lets in new light through chinks which time has made. * 
 
 Mr. Gray, likewise, in his Hymn to Adversity, re 
 quests that " Daughter of Jove" to impose gently her 
 iron hand," and trouble him a little with her " torturing 
 hour," although he appears disposed to avoid, if 
 possible, her more dismal accompaniments, such as her 
 Gorgonick frown," and the " funereal cry of horrour." 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 39 
 
 Thus brother Ovid said or sung once, 
 
 The Gods of old folks could make young ones 4 
 
 The Spaniards, under Cortes and Pizarro, managed 
 much in the same way, and enlightened the natives of the 
 mighty empires of Peru and Mexico in the great truths of 
 Christianity, by killing a part, reducing the remainder to 
 a state of servitude, and battering their souls cottages at 
 their leisure. This process is in part expressed in a poeti 
 cal epistle, which 1 received not long since from my cor 
 respondent settled at Terra del Fuego, in South America, 
 who thus expresses the conduct of some of his acquaint 
 ance, in converting the aborigines to Christianity. 
 
 Good folks to America came 
 
 To curtail old Satan s dominions ; 
 The natives, the more to their shame, 
 
 Stuck fast to their ancient opinions. 
 
 Till a method the pious men find, 
 
 Which ne er had occur d to your dull witb, 
 
 Of making sky-lights to the mind, 
 By boring the body with bullets. 
 
 Like Waller, with process so droll, 
 To illume an old clod-pated noddy ; 
 
 They thought they might burnish the soul, 
 By beating a hole in the body. 
 
 I have read of a great mathematician, who was uncom 
 monly stupid till about the age of twenty, when he acci 
 dentally pitched head first into a deep well, fractured his 
 scull, and it became necessary to trepan him. After the 
 operation it was immediately evident that his wit was much 
 improved, and he soon became a prodigy of intellect. 
 Whether this alteration was caused by new light let in 
 
40 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 By process, not one whit ac^uter, 
 Than making new pots from old pewter 
 
 through chinks," the trepanning chissel had made, or 
 whether the texture and position of the brain were ma 
 terially changed for the better, in consequence of the jar 
 and contusion of the fall, I shall leave to some future 
 Lavater, or any other gentleman, who can guage the ca 
 pacity of a statesman, or a barrel of porter, with equal 
 facility, to determine. 
 
 2d. I proceed to demonstrate, that man being, as our 
 most enlightened modern philosophers allow, jumbled 
 together by mere Chance (a blind capricious goddess, who, 
 half her time, does not know what she is about) it is 
 extremely easy to understand the principles of his tex 
 ture ; because the mechanism of his frame is less intricate 
 than that of a common spit jack. Consequently, a Solomon 
 or a Brodum can mend this machine when deranged as 
 well as a Harvey, a Sydenham, or a Mead. 
 
 3d. I proceed to prove, from analogy, with what facility 
 this machine may be disjointed, pulled to pieces, and 
 again botched together. My friend Mahomet had his 
 heart taken out, a drop of black blood expressed there 
 from, and went about his common concerns next day as 
 well as ever. So when a sighing swain is taken despe 
 rately in love, he may lose all his insides without any 
 very serious inconvenience. This I can attest from sad 
 txfierience, as, about forty years since, I was terribly in 
 for t, with a sweet little sprig of divinity, whose elbow 
 was ever her most prominent feature, whenever I had 
 the audacity to attempt to approximate the shrine of her 
 Goddesship. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 41 
 
 So fam d Aldini, erst in France, 
 Led dead folks down a country-dance, 
 
 4th. The important advantages, which will undoubtedly 
 arise from this invention, are almost too obvious to require 
 explanation. I shall, however, advert to a few. 
 
 By *aking the animal machine to pieces, you may devest 
 it of such particles as clog its wheels, and render its mo 
 tions less perfect. A decayed worn-out gallant may have 
 its parts separated, thorougly burnished, botched together, 
 and rendered as bright as a new-coined silver sixpence. 
 Thus my venerable Piccadilly friend, who, as Darwin ex 
 presses it, sometimes u clasps a beauty in Platonick arms ;" 
 if he should, fifty years hence, perceive that the mechanism 
 of his frame is rather the worse for wear, may come to 
 Dr. Caustick, and be rebuilt into as fine a young buck as 
 any in Christendom. 
 
 5th. Hereditary diseases may be thus culled from the 
 constitution, and gouty and other deleterious particles 
 separated from those which are sound and healthful. 
 
 Pride may be picked from the composition of an upstart 
 mushroom of a nobleman, impudence from a quack, 
 knavery from a lawyer, moroseness from a methodist, 
 testiness from an old bachelor, peevishness from an old 
 maid ; in short, mankind altered from what they are to 
 what they ought to be, by a method at once cheap, practi 
 cable, easy and expeditious. 
 
 The only difficulty which has ever opposed itself to 
 my carrying this sublime invention to the highest possible 
 pitch of perfection, has been the almost utter impossi 
 bility of procuring any man, woman, or child, who is 
 willing to become the subject of operation. Now if either 
 
42 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 And made them rigadoon and chasse 
 As well as when alive, I dare say ! 
 
 And I once offer d, very prettily, 
 
 To patch up Frenchmen kill d in Italy, 
 
 Though shot, or stabb d, or hack d with fell blows, 
 
 As wives patch coats when out at elbows ! 
 
 of your worships would loan me his carcase to be picked 
 to pieces, and again botched together in the manner above 
 stated, provided the experiment should not fully succeed, 
 I will engage to pay all the damages thereby accruing to 
 community out of one tenth part of the profits of this 
 publication. 
 
 4 1 The gods of old folks could make young ones. 
 
 Stricto Medea recludit 
 
 Ense senis jugulutn : veteremque exire cruorem 
 Passa, replet succis. Quos postquam combibit -fison 
 Au* ore acceptos, aut vulnere barba, comaeque 
 Canitie posita nigrum rapuere colorem. 
 Pulsa fugit macies. 
 
 This passage, with a condensation of thought and 
 felicity of expression peculiar to myself, I have thus hap* 
 pily hit into English. 
 
 Medea cut the wither d weasand 
 
 Of superannuated jEson, 
 
 Then fill d him with the acrid juices 
 
 Of nettle-tops and flower-de-luces ; 
 
 Till from the defunct carcase, lo ! 
 
 Starts a full blooded Bond-Street beau ! ! 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 43 
 
 Made a machine of monstrous merits, 
 And brew d therein a world of spirits, 42 
 Dfaine, botanick, human, beastly, 
 The souls of Darwin and of Priestley. 43 
 
 * 2 And brew d therein a world of sfiirits. 
 
 It would be absolutely impossible for us, at full length, 
 to specify the principles of this our prodigious production 
 in a performance, which would be less voluminous than 
 a complete edition of the writings of Dr. Priest 
 ley. The data on which we proceeded were derived from 
 tracts without number, which treated on the " Phisosophy 
 of Mind," all of which you will please to peruse at 
 your leisure. But we will condescend so far as to men 
 tion a few works which have served us as a sort of -uade 
 mecum, and have in fact furnished us with the basis of 
 our superstructure. 
 
 Malebranche s Recherches de la Verite ; the works 
 of Hobbes, Spinosa, and other scepticks in the same 
 school ; Bishop Berkeley s Principles of Human Know 
 ledge ; Hume s Essays ; the works of Lord Bolingbroke ; 
 Reed s Inquiry into the Human Mind on the Principles of 
 Common Sense ; Stewart s Elements of the Philosophy 
 of Mind ; Kaime s Sketches of the History of Man, and 
 the most metaphysical parts of his " Elements of Cri 
 ticism ;" all the writings of Lord Monboddo ; Hartley s 
 Observations on Man ; Pope s Essay on Man, and John 
 son s refutation of the principles which it contains ; Hart s 
 Metaphysical productions ; Voltaire s Philosophical Dic 
 tionary ; the works of Diderot, D Alembert, and in short 
 all the productions of the French Encyclopedists ; God 
 win s Political Justice ; Belsham s Philosophy of Mind ; 
 Edwards s work on the Will, &c. &c. 
 
44 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Our process, Sirs, approaches nigh 
 To making whiskey out of rye, 
 
 Add to these a host of German and Dutch geniuses 
 whose names we cannot remember, and whose works we 
 have never Been. 
 
 All these you will please to con over with very vast re 
 tention, and when you have thoroughly sifted, amalgamated, 
 transmuted, decomposed, chymically combined, separated 
 the phantasms from the substantial forms, the quidities 
 from the entities, and extracted the essences of the 
 matter and spirit of each and every treatise, you will begin 
 to possess some slight idea of our wonderful invention 
 abovementioned. 
 
 43 The souls of Darwin and of Priestley. 
 
 There is a wonderful concurrence in the ideas of great 
 modern philosophers, which would lead us to believe that 
 the one actually looked over the shoulder of the other 
 while in the act of composing his lucubrations. Dr. 
 Darwin creates animals (see note 8.) much in the same 
 way that Dr. Priestley produces souls (see note 5.) aputre- 
 scent process seeming to be most commonly preferred in 
 both cases. But their efforts, though very wonderful, have 
 effected little more than merely to pave the way to my 
 invention. Dr. Darwin was somewhat too desultory in 
 the application of his means. Sometimes his " Nymphs of 
 Primeval fire," together with " Love Divine" brooding on 
 chaos are his sole agents in calling from the rude abyss 
 the living world," souls and all. At other times the pu- 
 trcscent process, and " organick mud" are preferred. Dr. 
 Priestley, however, relies altogether on the mephitick 
 Hjode. I have adopted all that is essential in both their 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 45 
 
 A sort of spiritual creation, 
 From matter, put in distillation. 
 
 Now, since it is secur d by patent, 
 
 You cannot steal it, Sirs, there s that in t, 
 
 Nor serve an honest man as sadly 
 
 As did your countryman, one Hadley. 44 
 
 contrivances, but have a partiality for the real " organick 
 mud." But, here I will stop short lest I afford such a clue 
 to the labyrinth of my invention that you will be able to 
 make your way into its innermost recesses. 
 
 44 As did your countryman, one Hadley. 
 
 This man, by dint of diplomatick skill made himself 
 master of the invention of what is called Hadley s Quadrant. 
 The instrument was, however, actually invented by a 
 Philadelphian, whose name was Godfrey. Hadley pro 
 fessed himself to be the patron of Godfrey, and proffered 
 his -services for procuring a patent in England ; but very 
 adroitly made imself principal in the affair, took a patent 
 in his own name, and deprived the inventor of both the 
 honour and profit of his invention. 
 
 This your worships will allow to have been extremely 
 well conducted, and in perfect consistency with modern 
 philosophical principles. Thus both M. De Luc, and La 
 voisier, took the liberty to make use of Dr. Black s theory 
 of latent heat, without any acknowledgment to its author ; 
 and thus Lavoisier was denounced by his intimate friend 
 and pupil, a true modern philosopher, decapitated accord 
 ingly, and his discoveries and theories claimed by. this 
 grateful disciple. 
 
46 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 The mystick characters of Nature 
 We read more readily than Lavater, 45 
 To us her lineaments are labels, 
 Which stare like capitals on play bills. 
 
 From bearings of the different osses 
 In chin, in forehead, and proboscis, 
 The skull and occiput s topography, 
 Can write a man s complete biography. 46 
 
 45 We read more readily than Lavater. 
 
 There was one Mr. George Christopher Lichtenberg, 
 who foretold, with very considerable accuracy, the progress 
 which physiognomy would make under our auspices. 
 
 " When physiognomy arrives at the perfection expected 
 by Lavater, we shall hang children before they have com 
 mitted the crimes which deserve the gallows. There will 
 every year be a physiognomical Auto da Fe I How pro 
 voking it is to perceive that Lavater found more in the 
 noses of some authors, than we can find in their writings !" 
 
 ^ Can write a man s complete biography. 
 
 If the truth were known, we are positive that we should 
 discover that most of the stories told by modern biogra 
 phers about deceased personages, were taken from data 
 somewhat similar to the grounds of our above stated dis 
 covery. We would, however, by no means wish your 
 worships to entertain an idea that Miss Anna Seward wrote 
 her u Memoirs of the Life of Dr. Darwin" by any rules 
 which are at all consonant to our science. Had Miss Anna 
 Seward been in the least degree acquainted with this our 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 47 
 
 We ve drawn nine million diagrams, 
 Which wags denominate "flim flams," 
 
 method of etching a man s biography (which, in physiog 
 nomical nomenclatures, by a word delicately coined from 
 the Greekand rounded with a most energetick Latin termi 
 nation, is denominated metronomocenocephalismaticality) 
 and in possession of no one document nor the least informa 
 tion respecting the great personage, whom she has taken 
 off in her " Memoirs," she would have given us a much 
 more correct account of the wonderful philosopher. But 
 now, alas ! she is most unconscionably handled by the 
 Edinburgh Reviewers. These anti-chivalrick criticks, 
 without the least regard to that delicacy towards the fair, 
 which ought to regulate the strictures of gentlemen, upon 
 lady-authors, have fallen upon her without mercy, and I 
 am sorry to say that our Amazon appears not quite im 
 pregnable. We will oblige you with a specimen of their 
 lack of gallantry. 
 
 " On the birth, parentage, and education of her hero. 
 Miss Seward has not deigned to bestow a single line. We 
 are abruptly introduced to him at the age of twenty-four, 
 when he first came to practice physick at Litchfield, in 
 the autumn of the year 1756 ; and even then instead of 
 proceeding directly in her narrative, she stops at the 
 threshold to give us a " sketch of his character and man 
 ners," such as they had appeared to her in the subsequent 
 course of Dr. Darwin s life. This inversion of the usual 
 arrangement in biographical writing may be perfectly con 
 sonant to the desultory plan of these memoirs ; but in 
 itself is so palpably injudicious, that there is very little 
 hazard of its adoption as a model. Within these few 
 years a similar innovation was attempted by a Scottish 
 historian, who at the commencement of every reign, in- 
 
48 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 On which you ll please to place reliance, 
 For shortest outlines of this science. 47 
 
 troduced that general delineation of character, which has 
 usually found a place at the close : but, if we may judge 
 from our own feelings, the example of Mr. Pinkerton 
 will not probably prove more seducing than that of Miss 
 Seward." 
 
 Edinburgh Review, Afiril 1803. 
 
 As respects us in this aforesaid discovery we will can 
 didly confess, that conceiving ourself justified both by the 
 principles and the practices of our contemporary philoso 
 phers, we actually built our superstructure on the foundation 
 of the famous Dr. Gall, whose theory is thus described, 
 
 " The brain is alike the immediate seat of all the powers 
 of life, whether strictly vital, moral, or intellectual ; and 
 each power having its seat in a peculiar portion of the brain, 
 the degree of general power, in each individual is in exact 
 proportion to the quantity of that particular part of the 
 brain, in which the function is exercised. The brain, being 
 complete before the ossification of the cranium, must give 
 it a peculiarity of figure, according to the largeness or small- 
 ness of its own parts ; and therefore if the position of the 
 seat of each faculty were known, the degressions or pro 
 minences of the skull might be taken, as indicative of the 
 degree, in which the different powers were possessed by 
 the owner of the skull ! ! !" See Edinburgh Review for 
 April 1803. 
 
 Now, all real philosophers must be enamoured with this 
 theory : whence it follows that the Edinburgh Reviewers are 
 not philosophers ; for they assail it in the following man 
 ner. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 49 
 
 By these we measure our first rates men ; 
 Can tell a scoundrel from a statesman, 
 
 " That the general strength of the vital, moral, and in 
 tellectual powers is great in each individual, in proportion 
 to the quantity of the encephalon, is an assertion, to which 
 the experience of every one must have furnished him with 
 a reply. We confess, though at the risk of having the 
 periphery of our heads diminished, in the imagination of 
 our readers, that our experience is completely against this 
 assertion. We have known a large cranium with very 
 great dulness of the intellectual, and moral, and even the 
 vital powers." &c. 
 
 Now I will undertake to lay prostrate these Reviewers, 
 by a simple statement of my mode of physiognomisiug. 
 I would premise, however, that I borrowed a hint from 
 one Archimedes, a chief of the Mohawks, in an experiment 
 which he made on the fur cap of a certain Hiero, a 
 noted Narraganset. 
 
 1. I fill a bucket, capable of containing five gallons, 
 brimful of water. 
 
 2. I place a vessel under said bucket, to catch the con 
 tents in case of its overflowing. 
 
 3. I gently sink the head of my patient, the Physiogno- 
 mee, into the said brimming bucket of water. 
 
 4. I catch all the water which thus overflows from the 
 bucket. 
 
 5. I measure, to the nine hundred and ninety ninth part 
 of a thimble full, what is the amount of the water, which has 
 thus overflown. 
 
 H 
 
50 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 White women from mulatto gypsies, 48 
 As people calculate eclipses. 
 
 And we ve a rule, by which we ll bet, 
 We ll sound your cunningest coquette, 
 And ascertain, by mensuration, 
 The bottom of her inclination : 
 
 6. I make a scale of men and women s capacities, pro 
 portioned to the quantity of water, which their heads, 
 " ducked " * as aforesaid, are able to displace. 
 
 7. From these data we ascertain but for further infor 
 mation we would beg leave to refer your worships to the 
 minute and wonderful essay of Count Rumford on the art 
 and mystery of excavating and eating a hasty pudding. 
 
 47 For shortest outlines of this science. 
 
 T hat is to say, we have made an abridgment of the last 
 edition of the works of John Casper Lavater, and have 
 reduced his likenesses, profiles, &c. from nineteen millions 
 to nine millions ditto. 
 
 * 8 White women from mulatto gypsies. 
 
 This line your worships cannot possibly comprehend. 
 No man short of a certain president of a certain philoso 
 phical society, and infinitely the greatest man in the 
 United States, can possibly obtain the least inkling of our 
 meaning. 
 
 * Quoted from Darwin s " duck to death :" vide Temple of Nature. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 51 
 
 And, if your worships wish to court her, 
 Can gauge her, like a cask of porter, 
 Tell if she fitted more or less is 
 For your right worshipful addresses. 
 
 This our new system likewise suits 
 
 The physiognomy of brutes ; 
 
 Cannot, in application, fail 
 
 From mammoth downwards to the snail. 49 
 
 We ve fourteen folios, now in types, 
 Call d " Physiognomy of Snipes," 
 And these we shall, with great propriety, 
 Present a certain learn d society. 
 
 Profoundly vers d in chymick science, 
 
 I could bid matter s law defiance ; 
 
 Was up to Nature, or beyond her, 
 
 In mimick earthquakes, rain, and thunder ! 5 
 
 49 From mammoth downwards to the snail. 
 
 Lavater, and Dr. Gall, if we mistake not, were deeply 
 versed in the physiognomy not only of quadrupeds, but 
 of fishes. But in the physiognomy of insects they are 
 very greatly our inferiours. 
 
 5 In mimick earthquakes, rain, and thunder ! 
 Chymistry furnishes us with a method of manufacturing 
 
52 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 And by a shock of electricity, 
 (I tell the truth without duplicity) 
 
 artificial earthquakes, which will have all the great effects 
 of those that are natural. The old-fashioned receipt for 
 an earthquake, however, of iron filings and sulphur mixed 
 in certain proportions and immersed in the earth, I shall 
 not take the trouble to state to your worships; as most 
 of you have, perhaps, read Mr. Martin s Philosophy nearly 
 half through. But my plan is to make such an earthquake 
 as no mortal, except Dr. Darwin and myself, ever sup 
 posed possible. The former gentleman made shift to ex 
 plode the moon from the southern hemisphere of our 
 earth, and I propose to forward other moons by artificial 
 earthquakes of my own invention, from the northern 
 hemisphere, unless Dr. Young s comet, as mentioned in 
 note 17, should render such moons unnecessary. I will 
 give your worships ^ specimen of Dr. Darwin s moon- 
 producing earthquake, from " Botanick Garden" Canto I. 
 
 " Gnomes ! How you shriek d ! when through the trou 
 bled air, 
 
 Roar d the fierce din of elemental war ; 
 When rose the continents, and sunk the main, 
 And earth s huge sphere exploding burst in twain 
 Gnomes ! How you gaz d ! When from her wounded 
 
 side, 
 
 Where now the South sea heaves its waste of tide, 
 Rose on swift wheels the MOON S refulgent car, 
 Circling the solar orb, a sister star, 
 Dimpled with vales, with shining hills emboss d, 
 And roll d round earth her airless realms of frost. * 
 
 No man will say in this case, 
 
 Parturiunt montes nascetur ridiculus mus. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 53 
 
 I did (what won t again be soon done) 
 
 E en fairly knock the man in the moon down ! 51 
 
 The reaction, at the moment of explosion, of that mass 
 of matter which now composes our moon, is the cause of 
 the obliquity of the polar axis to the poles of the ecliptick, 
 according to Dr. Darwin ; though Milton says, 
 
 Angels turn d askance 
 
 The poles of earth twice ten degrees and more : 
 From the sun s axle, they with labour push d 
 Oblique the centrick globe." 
 
 Whether an explosion similar to that, so beautifully de 
 scribed by Dr. Darwin, from the north side of the equator, 
 would not set all right, and a new era be announced, 
 which will be, like that of old, when 
 
 -Spring 
 
 Perpetual smil d on earth, with vernal flowers, 
 Equal in days and nights" 
 
 is a problem worth the attention of our modern philoso 
 phers. But at any rate, I, Dr. Caustick, will positively try 
 the experiment. 
 
 Now, as to my " rain and thunder" I have only to inform 
 your worships that I have a wife, and she is the very es 
 sence of a Xantippe, the yoke-fellow of Socrates. You 
 well remember the observation of that sage, when she 
 supplied him with a vast quantity of those articles, pur 
 porting, that after such violent peals of thunder a shower 
 of rain must necessarily follow. 
 
 5 1 E en fairly knock the man in the moon down ! 
 
 This notable exploit I think to be a very great im 
 provement on electrical experiments made by a number of 
 
54 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Could tell how Nature works her matters 
 In making brutes and human creatures : 
 Gave long, detail d, authentick histories, 
 Of all that lady s nameless mysteries. 
 
 I learnt these from as nice a rabbit 
 As naturalist could wish to nab at. 52 
 
 renowned French and English philosophers. See Priest 
 ley s History of Electricity, page 94. 
 
 3 2 As naturalist could wish to nab at. 
 
 Such a gentleman as he who honoured the royal so 
 ciety with that most interesting communication in the Phi 
 losophical Transactions^ vol. Ixxxvii. p. 197. 
 
 I cannot express the degree of my contempt for an ob 
 scure ignoramus, who, in a scurvy pamphlet called " Pur 
 suits of Literature" has endeavoured to bespatter the 
 above gentleman, and cast obloquy on certain useful and 
 diverting experiments by him instituted. He tells us that 
 he 
 
 " Spurn d unfeeling science, cruel tales 
 
 Of virgin rabbits and of headless snails." 
 
 And continues ; " When an experiment for any purpose, 
 useful to our fellow creatures, has been once made upon 
 an animal, it should \>e finally recorded, by men of science 
 and veracity, as authentick and satisfactory, not to be 
 repeated." Again ; " Surely to sit calmly and to watch 
 with an impure, inhuman, and unhallowed curiosity the 
 progress of the desires and the extinction of the natural 
 passions in devoted animals after such mutilations and 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 55 
 
 With toads and tadpoles made as many 
 Experiments as Spallanzani. 53 
 
 But what surpasses, you ll admit, 
 All former bounds of human wit, 
 I form d, by chymical contrivance, 
 A little homo all alive once ! 34 
 
 experiments, is a practice useless, wicked, foolish, de 
 grading, and barbarous." 
 
 33 Experiments as Spallanzani. 
 
 I have been the more solicitous to eulogise this great 
 philosopher, that I might thereby establish my own repu 
 tation as & polite and fashionable writer. For thus I im 
 plicitly follow the laudable example of most of the truly 
 gentlemen literati in Europe, who have vied with each 
 other in doling out the incense of their admiration at the 
 altar of this demi-god of an abbe. Such, however, was 
 the tendency to publick utility, and to the mitigation of 
 the sufferings of humanity, evident in the multifarious 
 pursuits of this philosopher, that certainly the most rigid 
 theologian would acknowledge that a moderate adoration 
 of Spallanzani is not the most atrocious kind of idolatry. 
 
 That Dr. Darwin supposed that the researches of Spallan 
 zani would terminate in some wonderful lusus Naturae, is 
 apparent from what he has informed us, Phytologia, p. 119. 
 " It is not impossible, as some philosopher has already sup 
 posed, if Spallanzani should continue his experiments, that 
 some beautiful productions might be generated between the 
 vegetable an~l the animal kingdoms, like the eastern fable 
 of the rose and nightingale" !!!!!!! 
 
56 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Iii philosophick model cast, 
 By Beddoe s gas twas put in blast, 
 Is not yet nine months old and yet he 
 Can more than match your Master Betty. 
 
 And, gentlemen, myself I flatter, 
 You ll think this last a mighty matter ; 
 
 *4 A little homo all alive once ! 
 
 As soon as I shall have accomplished the all-important 
 task of procuring your worships assistance in unclenching 
 the " hard hand of pinching poverty," which, I assure 
 you, most cordially gripes me at present, I intend to sur 
 prise the learned world with an elegant volume, decorated 
 with highly finished engravings, giving in detail a pro 
 foundly scientifick history of the origin, progress, and 
 consummation of this my ne fdus ultra, this my most 
 sublime of all sublime discoveries. And, gentlemen, if 
 you do not, as Dr. Lettsom says, ; Dip your pens in 
 etherial and indelible ink," and puff away, I shall think you 
 are a set of , but not to call names. 
 
 In a civil, humble, and complaisant way, I entreat you 
 to suspend for the present any idle curiosity relative to 
 this my great achievement. Not a syllable relative to 
 my new species of manufacture must escape before the 
 whole is fairly laid open to publick inspection. Without 
 this useful precaution, some bungling operator may hazard 
 the production of a new-fangled order of beings, bearing 
 no more affinity to the human species, than a lap-dog to 
 a wolf, a cat to a tyger, or a monkey to a man. And 
 as I propose to solicit letters patent for the exclu 
 sive right to all emoluments, &c belonging, or any- 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 57 
 
 That, trac d through all its consequences, 
 The good resulting nlost immense is. 
 
 Tis of preeminent utility 
 To all our gentry and nobility, 
 Who have estates and things appendant, 
 Without a lineal descendant. 
 
 For they may come and ope their cases, 
 And I ll make heirs to noble races, 
 By process sure as scale of Gunter, 
 On plan improv d from surgeon Hunter. 
 
 No $cheme like mine was ever known, 
 Not e en to doctors of Sorbonne ; 
 Or which one twentieth part so nice is, 
 For rooting out your crim. con. vices. 
 
 wise appertaining, to this my most curious invention, I 
 eould wish that no spurious wares might be palmed on 
 the publick to the prejudice of the patent. 
 
 I think it right, in this place, to give notice, that unless 
 I should be patronised in proportion to the merits of the 
 great achievements herein announced, I will absolutely 
 offer my services to Buonaparte, and manufacture an heir 
 to the emperour of the French. 
 
58 MODERN PHILOSOPHER, 
 
 And though I might, with great propriety, 
 Propose my plan to your society ; 
 For certain reasons, I ll not urge ye, 
 But lay the thing before the clergy. 
 
 We hew d a hard, brain- suck ing brood 
 Of BOOKSELLERS from pepcridgc wood, & 
 And shap d the gnarled cross-grain d splinters 
 To notable newspaper printers. 56 
 
 55 Of BOOKSELLERS frOIH pepCrldgC \VOOcl. 
 
 This peperidge wood, may it please your worships, is 
 a species of the filanus occidentalis, and is so very un- 
 wedgeable, that it cannot be riven by thunder. Were it 
 penetrable stuff it would by no means be fit for the basis 
 of our wooden loggerheads. 
 
 5<5 To notable newspaper printers. 
 
 Certain reviewers of former editions of this our most 
 profound performance have accused us of a propen 
 sity to punning. But the truth is, that such an asser 
 tion is not true. We are far from indulging in this, or 
 in any other illegitimate species of humour. No, gentle 
 men, we always consult a great many great men before 
 we presume on any thing which can be in the least calcu 
 lated to cause a smile. We always thoroughly canvass 
 the definitions of wit, &c. as they are set down by Kaimes, 
 Addison, &c. and make them our standard, from a simple 
 attempt to excite a simper, to a violent effort to raise a 
 horse laugh. In short, we ever have, and always will, 
 laugh by rule, and with the leave of Locke. But had we 
 not been bound down by authority, we would have made 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 59 
 
 We frain d our automatick set 
 On principles of Maillardet ;* 7 
 But made a kind of gas- inflation 
 Their principle of animation. 
 
 And though we did not take the pains 
 To give our wooden boobies brains, 
 
 a most exquisite pun on the word notable, and have fur 
 nished you with rhyme, reason, and a pun, all in a single 
 couplet. Then our text would have stood thus : 
 
 And shap d the gnarled cross-grain d splinters, 
 
 To 
 
 j not ABLE, i. e. water gruel like 
 { notable, i. e. notorious L 
 
 I knotable, i. e. a derivative from knotty I 
 
 But, as we have before observed, we most cordially abhor 
 a pun, and therefore notable, both in our text and context, 
 signifies noted, but with a little stretching will answer for 
 notorious. 
 
 57 On principles of Maillardet. 
 
 Maillardet, a famous Swiss mechanist, made a very fine 
 sort of semi-automatons in London, after the manner of 
 Merlin. Maillardet s machines, though imperfect in some 
 respects, were, however, free agents compared with ours. 
 Shower a few halfpence among a crowd of my gentry, 
 and they would be under a moral necessity, according to 
 the best writers on the will, to scramble for them at a 
 most diverting rate. 
 
60 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 The cunning creatures know what s meant, 
 When people talk of cent, per cent. 58 
 
 The best pursuits of literature 
 
 Are well committed, to be sure, 
 
 To these our blockheads, who ne er look 
 
 Beyond the title of a book. 
 
 Thus wily sultans place their fair 
 Beneath a kind of being s care, 
 
 & When people talk of cent, per cent. 
 
 Yes, gentlemen, they would give you a new edition of 
 the devil in royal octavo, wire-wove and hot pressed, could 
 they calculate on a hundred per cent on the cost of the 
 impression ; and for any thing less they will not run the 
 risk of printing a bible. Some people who are professed 
 enemies to my establishment of wooden booksellers have 
 had the impudence to affirm them to be so mercenary, 
 that you might bribe them at the rate of three halfpence 
 each to cut their own throats. This we maintain to be a 
 most slanderous assertion. Still we feel such a degree 
 of paternal solicitude for their welfare, that we should be 
 sorry to see them tempted by such an offer. Should we, 
 however, apprehend any thing serious on this score, we 
 can get them ensured at the rate of three halfpence each ; 
 which would be allowing a premium of one hundred per 
 cent, on the value of the property. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 61 
 
 Who never meddles with a charm, 
 Or if he did could do no harm. 59 
 
 Our caterers of publick taste 
 Are always found correct and chaste ; 
 Were never known, for paltry cash 
 To poison people with their trash. 
 
 Tis true the genius and the dunce 
 They d put upon a par at once, 
 Did not the shrew d, sharp sighted elves 
 Prefer the picture of themselves ; 
 
 But such a sympathy controls 
 
 All animals of kindred souls, 
 
 That, give them an unbiassed choice, 
 
 The genuine dunce will have their voice : 
 
 But then I will maintain, in spite 
 
 Of all that you can say, they re right, 
 
 59 Or if he did could do no harm. 
 
 We believe that Dr. Johnson expressed an idea similar 
 to that contained in the above stanza, relative to the pro 
 priety of employing none but illiterate men in the trade 
 of selling books. If so, it shows the wonderful parallelism 
 of two great men. 
 
62 MODERN PHILOSOPHER, 
 
 And always should maintain a balance 
 Gainst men of learning and of talents. 
 
 Tis evident that real knowledge 
 Can have no business out of college, 
 And we should print, tis plain enough, 
 For common people common stuff. 
 
 These my fine fellows know full well 
 That books are merely made to sell, 
 That half the world will only prize 
 The print, the paper, and the size : 
 
 That men of fashion tis agreed, 
 Conceive it quizzical to read, 
 But set their books up in a row 
 Merely to make a splendid show ; 
 
 That, if tis rightly understood 
 Your library s not made of wood, 
 Tis unpolite to take the pains 
 To look at what a shelf contains. 
 
 To set our people up in trade 
 We next a set of authors made 
 Whom you might reasonably hire 
 To soil white paper by the quire. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 63 
 
 We order d these to starve, in case, 
 They did not scrawl a dog trot pace, 6o 
 Or spin with wonderful tenuity 
 Your diplomatick ambiguity. 6l 
 
 60 They did not scrawl a dog trot pace. 
 
 Our capital merchants are in the habit of giving orders 
 to our capital booksellers for books by the gross, pound 
 weight, or square foot ; but never trouble themselves about 
 the quality of the articles. Hence the author who can 
 produce the greatest quantity of matter in a given period 
 of time, is the man for a capital bookseller. 
 
 <** Your diplomatick ambiguity. 
 
 We have two or three high official characters in this 
 country, who are determined never to commit themselves, 
 on paper, unless it should be conceived criminal to write 
 what it is impossible to comprehend. They take their 
 cue from a certain Frenchman, mentioned by the author 
 of the Pursuits of Literature, * who says, " Je ne vcux 
 point adme trc dans les arreis de Conseii un -vrai trivial un 
 clarte trofi familiar e. Je veux un -orai de recherche, une 
 clarte elegante, une naivete fine, toute brillante de termes 
 fiomfieiiX) releves inofiinement de phrases arrondies, de vo- 
 catifs inter me diaires et d 9 adverbes indefinis. f Our cele 
 brated Mr. Madison s official writings seem to have been 
 the product of a private secretary, who was one of our 
 kind of authors. 
 
 * See Pursuits of Literature, p. 362. American edition. 
 
 f I would not allow the admission of a trivial truth in the de 
 crees of council, or a clearness which is too easy and familiar. I 
 choose to have a subtle kind of truth, an elegant perspicuity, a na 
 tural manner, but not wholly without art, set off with words of 
 pomp, unexpectedly raised with a roundness of phraseology, with 
 intermediate vocatives, and indefinite adverbs. 
 
64 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 We likewise set machines a going 
 As booksellers, who re wondrous knowing, 
 And made them heads like Buonpart s, 
 But then forgot to give them hearts. 
 
 We form d most mighty combinations 
 Among these chaps, and their relations; 
 Caus d them to swear, in any weather 
 That they would sink or swim together. 
 
 E en gave them, lest they run ashore, 
 Such wonderful esprit de corps, 
 That, but offend their meanest noddy 
 And they ll attack you in a body. 
 
 These men well paid us for the rearing, 
 In jacobinick pamphleteering ; 
 Have gain d us thousands in a season, 
 By peddling Tom Paine s Age of Reason. 
 
 With such machines, on mischief bent . 
 We can o erturn a government, 
 Root up society s foundations 
 And kindle war among all nations. 62 
 
 62 And kindle war among all nations. 
 These men were the disciples of Illnminism, were 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 65 
 
 Such are American Mecenase.es, 
 
 And if you dare to style them mean asses, 
 
 By submarine explosions, soon 
 
 We ll blow your island to the moon 1 63 
 
 active at the great book fairs at Leipzig. There are, we 
 believe, some of the sort in America, who are most in 
 veterate Frenchmen in their politicks. As they belong 
 to the dominant party, and we are now tributary to France,* 
 they are of course pretty peaceable. Should we ever assert 
 our independence and attempt to get out of the leading 
 strings of the French faction we shall see them display 
 their powers in causing whiskey insurrections, Genet fra 
 ternal scrapes, Sec. 
 
 6 3 Will blow your island to the moon. 
 
 This your worships may depend on as no threat which 
 ought to pass by you as the " idle wind." If you will 
 take the trouble to consult our American Philosophical 
 Transactions (which you will find at Mr. Johnson s, the 
 bookseller, St. Paul s Church yard, a number having been 
 sent there for sale, and remaining, we believe, all on hand) 
 vol. iv. from page 303, to page 313. you will see what Mr. 
 D. Bushnell of Connecticut has done and had like to have 
 done by virtue of submarine explosions . You will find 
 that several English ships have been put in jeopardy, and 
 one schooner actually blown up and demolished by Mr* 
 
 * We have been good enough to pay to France seventeen mil 
 lions of dollars for a tract of land. Our title, however, is merely 
 a right to govern the said tract, the fee of the soil remaining 1 in the 
 proprietors who purchased under Spain. Now don t laugh at us t 
 for we could not help it, we have no navy, no army, no govern 
 ment, and France swore she would knock us en the head if we 
 did not pay her money. 
 
 K 
 
66 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 For patronising poets, oft, 
 
 We ve made us wooden wights, like Loft/ 4 
 
 Bushnell s submarine explosions. There is also a pretty 
 little piece of poetry called the Battle of the Kegs, 
 written by Francis Hopkinson, Esq. of Philadelphia, pre 
 served among the poems of Col. Humphreys, which will 
 prove that subaqueous explosions are no trifling matters. 
 No, gentlemen, if you do not wish to make a bishop Wil- 
 kins s tour, under some very disagreeable circumstances, 
 you will be careful how you provoke us Americans. 
 
 6 4 We ve made us wooden wights, like Loft. 
 
 Mr. Capel Loft, Esq. to whom we have so happily 
 alluded, is a gentleman, who commenced an authoring ca 
 reer, by building a superstructure on the foundation of 
 Baron Gilbert s Law of Evidence. The book, when finish 
 ed, somewhat resembled Nebuchadnezzar s image, part 
 iron, and part clay ; the latter material being supplied 
 plentifully by the said Mr. Loft, Esq. Finding his legal 
 abilities were not duly appreciated, either by the bench, 
 bar or the publick, our lawyer set up as a patron, anno- 
 tator, and preface monger for poor poets, and has perform 
 ed wonders by introducing to the world Mr. Robert Bloom- 
 field, author of the Farmer s Boy, Sec. and another 
 gentleman, brother to the man who wrote that masterly 
 production, whose Christian name we have forgotten. 
 The poem styled the Farmer s Boy- was, it seems, made 
 to undergo Mr Capel Loft s criticism, modifications, Sec. 
 and a most fiery ordeal it must have passed, as is evident 
 from its present purity. 
 
 This sublime poet begins his lucid performance, by in 
 voking a " blest spirit," which is a " rushing warmth," 
 which is a " sweet inmate," and says 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 67 
 
 \ 
 
 And, in more instances than one he 
 Has chang d crude measures into money. 
 
 He ll take a man, suppose a cobbler, 
 In verse, though something of a hobbler, 
 And make his works a " Counter Blast," 6s 
 To " stick, good cobbler to your last." 66 
 
 " Be thou my muse, and faithful still to me 
 " Retrace thefiaths of wild obscurity" 
 
 It wduld be very hazardous for any man, in my hearing, 
 to say fudge! after reading or hearing such a sublime 
 couplet. 
 
 6 5 And make his works a " Counter Blast. 5 * 
 
 See king James s " puff collusive" on the staple com 
 modity of Virginia. 
 
 66 To " stick, good cobbler to your last. 5 
 
 " Ne sutor ultra crepidam," long since said that old 
 aristocrat Horace. But had he been a modern philosopher 
 he would have known that wonderfully successful bards 
 might exist, who were poetical, by intuition, without 
 learning- or inspiration. That a man, who was neither fioeta 
 Jit nor fioeta nascitur, might become a great favourite with 
 an enlightened publick, in a scribbling capacity, merely 
 because he was a cobbler, and set up for a poet, without 
 serving a regular apprenticeship for the latter trade. But 
 Horace as well as Homer aliyuando dormitat 
 
 Should a man make us a most unconscionable pair of 
 boots, resembling those so famous in romance of seven 
 leagued dimensions, with stitches like cart ruts, and every 
 thing about them disproportion ed in that proportion, pro- 
 
68 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 We set some young apprentice hewers 
 To make us " Critical Reviewers," 
 
 vided we were told that the fabricator of these articles was 
 a man of genius in obscurity, whose works must be 
 brought into fashion, we should not hesitate to dance a 
 minuet in them, at St. James s at his Majesty s birthnight 
 ball, with the prettiest of the princesses royal ; or con 
 vince us that the artist was bred a bricklayer, but felt him 
 self propelled by certain cordvxurang energies and propen 
 sities to relinquish the trowel for the last, we would foot 
 it as aforesaid, in a pair of his shoes, though made so 
 tight that they would torture Miss Cinderella or a Chinese 
 lady. On such principles and actuated by such motives 
 we will always eulogize Mr. Bloomfield s fashionable and 
 fascinating performances. 
 
 It is true that I have heard of some musty old gentlemen, 
 who are called great poets, and who seemed to have made 
 themselves masters of all the sciences of the ages in which 
 they respectively lived, before they gave vent to their genuis, 
 by publishing their poetry. But your Homers and your Mil- 
 tons it is to be hoped will be put down, and your Bloom- 
 fields, and your Delia Cruscas will occupy their niches in 
 the temple of Fame. And there is one Gifford, of 
 Baviad and Meviad memory, who might have stood as 
 high as poet Bloomfield, as he was once as much per 
 plexed with the res anguati dom:, had it not been for his 
 impertinent curiosity to become a man of extensive eru 
 dition. But I fancy that his poring over Latin and Greek 
 has destroyed all that " rushing warmth" which is the sine 
 qua non of your genuine poet. 
 
 But we hereby announce, for the benefit of those 
 who wish to climb Parnassus without rouble, that we in 
 tend to overturn the mountain into the swamp below, by 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 69 
 
 For Solomons did not intend them, 
 
 And therefore could not recommend them. 6r 
 
 But though their inflects were obtuse, 
 Was never one was such a goose, 
 He could not tell, in common sailing, 
 Plain irony from downright railing ; 68 
 
 The thickest head, or I m mistaken, 
 Would more than match your Arthur Aikin, 
 
 methods similar to those by which we make our artificial 
 earthquakes, that candidates for the wreathe of Apollo like 
 the heroes of the Dunciad, may hereafter dive till they 
 reach the fiinnacle of the foundation of poetical eminence. 
 
 67 And therefore could not recommend them. 
 
 These were much like the gentlemen who attempted to 
 review Mr. Gilford s translation of Juvenal. But they 
 were not precisely the same. They were guilty of nothing 
 like forging a passage, in order to find fault with it, and 
 in that particular, to say nothing further, were superiour to 
 those reviewers. 
 
 68 Plain irony from downright railing. 
 
 The Critical Reviewers could not possibly ascer 
 tain whether our former editions of Terrible Tractora- 
 tion were for or against the tractors.* Owls, though 
 reputed birds of Minerva, are not judges of spots in the 
 sun. 
 
 * See Critical Review of Terrible Tractoration for Nov. 1803, 
 and Jan. 1804. 
 
70 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Exhibit greater depth of criticism, 
 And hammer out a better witticism. 6 * 
 
 We next crave liberty to mention i 
 
 Another most sublime invention 
 A sort of stenographick still, 
 Alias a patent author s mill : 
 
 And into this we d toss a set 
 Of letters of the alphabet, 
 And turn out elegies, orations, 
 And odes for July celebrations. 
 
 This last invention likewise reaches 
 
 ^ 
 
 To making congress members speeches ;. 
 Would they adopt it, though we ve said it 
 Twould save them not a little credit. 
 
 6 9 And hammer out a better witticism. 
 
 A poem, written in America, by the Rev. John Blair 
 Linn, has been republished in England, was well received 
 by the publick, and commended by the Anti Jacobin Re 
 viewers and by the British Critical Reviewers. Mr. Arthur 
 Aikin, however, author of The New Annual Register, with 
 out condescending to quote a single line, dismissed it with 
 a feeble attempt at a dry joke. Dr. Aikin would do well 
 never to put oft* his long face. The physicians of Gil Bias 
 might as well attempt to form themselves into a company 
 of comedians as Dr. Aikin to execute any thing witty. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 71 
 
 Could make love elegies as many 
 As you could carry, for a penny, 
 And if a halfcrown were bestow d 
 We could supply an ass s load. 
 
 We mean to furnish by these means 
 Columbian weakly magazines, 
 Thus raise beyond all calculation 
 Their literary reputation. 70 
 
 Could make Columbian legislators 
 More easily than raise potatoes, 7I 
 
 7 Their literary reputation. 
 
 Perhaps, however, any attempt to increase the literary 
 merit of these things might not be for the interest of their 
 proprietors. They are obliged to soar low or lose sight of 
 their customers. 
 
 71 More easily than raise potatoes. 
 
 By attending to the following, which are the principal 
 requisites, to qualify a man for a seat in our legislatures, 
 your worships may obtain, as it were, an embryo of an 
 idea of our process. 
 
 1 . A man to become an accomplished American legisla 
 tor must make great pretensions to patriotism and an ex 
 traordinary degree of friendship for the common people. 
 * The truth of these pretensions is always to be tested by 
 his defrauding them, whenever it is practicable, either 
 in a publick or a private capacity. 
 
72 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 And these you d not distinguish from well 
 The round heads, who preceded Cromwell. 
 
 What though they know no more than bears 
 About our national affairs, 
 Tis highly worth our while to breed em 
 To take in custody our freedom. 
 
 2. The more crimes a man has committed, even if they 
 should amount to what in arbitrary governments, would be 
 called felonies, the purer his patriotism and the greater his 
 claims to office of any kind, but especially to that of a 
 legislator ; for any attempt to preserve a good moral cha 
 racter is an essay to introduce into a free government the 
 aristocracy of nature, and leads to a kind of distinction, 
 which is absolutely incompatible with the " rights of man." 
 
 3. The man, who is a candidate for political promotion, 
 must be either imported from among the lowest classes on 
 your side of the Atlantick, or must be of mushroom origin 
 on this side : for the minds of legislators of this descrip 
 tion, can never be distracted by the elevation or extent of 
 their views, and they will of consequence devote them 
 selves entirely to what alone they can comprehend, to wit, 
 the petty pecuniary interests of their constituents They 
 will likewise be more apt to be subservient to the wishes 
 and views of two or three cunning men, who for the sake 
 of good order should ever be implicitly obeyed in legis 
 lative assemblies. Thus a mule is a more sure footed 
 animal than an English hunter, and a blind ass will move 
 in a mill with more regularity than a lynx-eyed Arabian 
 courser. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 73 
 
 For thus by poets we are told 
 An ugly dragon was of old 
 The only sentinel would suit 
 To guard the rich Hesperian fruit. 
 
 We scatter d o er a blasted heath, 
 Three pecks of deadly adders teeth, T2 
 
 72 Three pecks of deadly adders teeth. 
 
 This mode of peopling a country was not unknown to 
 the ancients ; but the art seems to have been lost since the 
 days of Cadmus, till we restored it Ovid gives us this 
 account of the proceedings of the Tyrian philosopher. 
 Cadmus, having killed a monster of a black snake, 
 
 Ecce, viri fautrix snpera*; rJelapsa per auras 
 Pallas adest : motxque jubet supporere tlrrae 
 Vipereos dentes, populi incrementa futuri. 
 Paret : et, ut presso sulcum patefacit aratro, 
 Spargit humi jussos, mortalia semina, dentes 
 Inde (fide majus) glebse ccepere moveri. 
 Primaque de sulcis acies apparuit hastse : 
 Tegmine mox capitum picto nutantia cano : 
 Mox humeri, pectusque, onerataque brachia telis, 
 Existunt : crescitque seges clypeata virorum. 
 
 Met. lib. Hi, 
 
 Pallas swift decending from the skies, 
 Pallas, the guardian of the good and wise 
 Bids him plough up the field, and scatter round 
 The dragon s teeth o er all the furrow d ground \ 
 Then tells the youth how to his wondering eyes 
 Embattled armies from the field should rise. 
 
74 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 And, suddenly, earth disembogues 
 A ragged regiment of rogues ! 
 
 And, at the head of our brigade, 
 We plac d one colonel RENEGADE, 
 A baron bold of Irish breed 
 High mounted on a wooden steed. 73 
 
 He sows the teeth at Pallas s command, 
 And flings the future people from his hand. 
 The clods grow warm, and crumble where he sows ; 
 And now the pointed spears advance in rows ; 
 Now nodding plumes appear, and shining crests, 
 Now the broad shoulders, and the rising breasts ; 
 O er all the field a breathing harvest swarms, 
 A growing host, a crop of men and artns. 
 
 Addison. 
 
 See likewise another crop produced by a similar pro 
 cess, Met. lib. vii. 
 
 73 High mounted on a wooden steed. 
 
 This our great military character had proved himself 
 perfectly capable of managing a steed of this description, 
 by a most happy display of wooden horsemanship at Cal 
 cutta. We had likewise another reason, which induced 
 us to delight to honour him. We have a kind of com 
 modity in this country, which may be called liberty Gal 
 licized. This exists in genuine purity only among the 
 sweefiings of the countries on your side of the Atlantick, 
 and must therefore be regularly imported or we shall soon 
 be out of stock. This it is incumbent on us to preserve 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 75 
 
 >Tis hop d they ll cut each other s throats 74 
 Like Ovid s famous sans culottes, 
 
 with as much care as was kept the sacred fire iii the tem 
 ples of Vesta. Then, having fusilladed, noyaded^ and by 
 other means despatched all our aristocrats, that is to say, 
 professional men, men of property, and men of education, 
 we may terminate our career of liberty in that most 
 efficient of all governments, in which the will of a military 
 chieftain is the supreme law of the land. In order to 
 bring about this most desirable event we are placing all the 
 military power of the United States in the hands of im 
 ported patriots, such as colonel RENEGADE, and one Capt. 
 DAGGERMAN, an absconding patriot, who happened not to 
 be hung in Europe. 
 
 It is fit, however, that your worships should know that 
 we have a sect of politicians existing in this country, who 
 are anti-philosophers, and are always thwarting OURSELF, 
 Mr. Jefferson 8c Co. in our wonderful improvements. 
 These call themselves federalists, and they are ever dashing 
 at us and our inventions. These Cerberusses, how 
 ever, we have employed one Mr. Keen Mack to lull asleep 
 by now and then a sop, alias a bit of an office, and we 
 have so completely succeeded that you might set the 
 mob a pulling their houses about their ears, and they 
 would remain as motionless as if they had been petrified 
 y the waters of the general deluge. 
 
 74 Tis hop d they ll cut each other s throats. 
 
 And therefore the advice which was given to Cadmus 
 may be applicable to all honest men who are lookers on, 
 while some folks are falling out among themselves. 
 
 Ne cape, de populo, quern terra creaverat, 
 __ nee te civilibus insere bellis. 
 
76 MODERN PHILOSOPHER* 
 
 Rutfear d they ll not be thus employ d 
 Till all our best men are destroy d. 
 
 We mean one Captain DAGGERMAN, 
 Shall take the lead in danger s van, 
 Unless we find in party s pother, 
 They ll go to work and kill each other. 
 
 Our patriots pure will not abide 
 Freedom which is not Frenchified, 
 And tis a point beyond all doubt 
 The bayonet must bring that about. 75 
 
 That is to say in English, 
 
 Of honest men tis the behoof, 
 While demos fight to stand aloof ; 
 Let them like furies hot from h 11 come 
 Ev n cut each others throats in welcome. 
 
 7j The bayonet must bring that about. 
 
 The only way to enlighten some people, as we have 
 before observed (note 39, p. 39) is to permit the sun to. 
 shine through them ; and from the apathy of our politicians, 
 who, though they pretend to be correct in theory, are too 
 indolent to put any thing in practice, we are very well 
 convinced that this will be the mode ultimately adopted 
 in tiiis country. It is true that with proper exertions we 
 might buffet the torrent. But our good and great men, 
 who pretend that they can see a few inches before their 
 noses, are in the practice of discouraging every effort by 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 77 
 
 But though our crop of rogues, a rare row, 
 Is worse than all the plagues of Pharaoh, 
 There s not a Satan of the tribe 
 Who s not a saint compared with Leib. 
 
 Even Duane and his Irish mates, 
 Have never stole certificates, 
 Nor have I ever heard it said 
 They robb d poor orphans of their bread. 76 
 
 their boding screech owl notes relative to the necessity of 
 going to the bottom of our revolutionary descent that we 
 must sit on our breeches and wait till faction s vol 
 cano displodes, and sends us to the moon. Such conduct 
 puts one in mind of a poor devil of a Frenchman, who in 
 bathing, proceeded beyond his depth, and mistaking the 
 application of the terms will and shall, prevented the exer 
 tions of his friends by exclaiming " I ivill drown, nobody 
 shall help me." 
 
 76 They robb d poor orphans of their bread. 
 
 A certain representative in our national legislature from 
 the metropolis of the United States has shown how well 
 he is qualified for office, by an act which, had he not been 
 a good republican, would have degraded him below the 
 level of common pick pockets. It has been made to appear, 
 in a court of justice, that this Doctor L b made an attempt 
 by a most flagrant breach of trust, backed by a number of 
 most atrocious lies, to defraud the orphan children of a 
 deceased friend, of six thousand dollars in loan office cer 
 tificates, and appropriate the cash to his own use. But for 
 
78 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Among the rest is one Mac Farland, 
 Who s deck d with legislative garland ; 
 But this last rogue the poet foresees 
 Will swing for stealing hogs and horses. 77 
 
 the history of that transaction, we must refer your worships 
 to the newspapers and pamphlets of the day. 
 
 We would recommend it to those who are suffering 
 under your arbitrary government, to send to this country 
 and import a few cargoes of true American liberty, which 
 we will sell you dog cheap, and present you into the bar 
 gain some of our patriots to teach you its proper use. 
 
 We will send you several against whom the following 
 charges have been made and can be supported. 
 
 One pure patriot " who has invaded the dearest rights 
 of his friend, who has slandered the purest characters in 
 our society, who has made a mockery of our religion, 
 and who is the associate, the friend, and supporter of 
 thieves, of drunkards, of outcasts, and infidels." One do. 
 a legislator, " who has drunk the tears of the widow, and 
 fattened on the spoils of the orphan." One do. celebrated 
 for " drunkenness and fury in the chair of state, knavery 
 and profligacy in the receipt of publick money."* &c. &c. 
 
 77 Will swing for stealing hogs and horses. 
 
 For the purpose of giving you some insight into the 
 immaculate nature of our freest of all governments, we 
 will trouble you with a very concise specification of the 
 virtues and good qualities of this right honourable member 
 of our national legislature. 
 
 * See United States Gazette for December 2fth, 1802. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 79 
 
 These men are samples of the nature 
 Of our Columbian legislature, 
 And WE THE PEOPLE choose the elves 
 To represent our own dear, selves. 
 
 1. This worthy champion of freedom has been expelled 
 from the state legislature of North Carolina for having 
 born arms against his country. 
 
 2. He has been indicted, convicted and fiumshed for cruelty- 
 exercised on a poor old woman, under pretence of her 
 being a witch. 
 
 3. He has been apprehended on suspicion of having mur 
 dered a person with whom he had been travelling, re 
 ported to have been drowned. The horse of the 
 deceased was found in possession of this our legislator ; 
 and was advertised by him as a stray mare ; he fled 
 out of the state in which the supposed murder was 
 committed, but was, however, surrendered by virtue 
 of a demand from the governour of that state ; but was 
 not hung, for, either by accident or contrivance, no pro 
 secutor appeared against him. 
 
 4. He was afterwards prosecuted for hog stealing ; but the 
 
 prosecutor, as before, happened not to be in the way ; 
 and our legislator had no fraternal hug with the whip 
 ping post. 
 
 5. He was afterwards indicted for perjury and forgery, and 
 in manifest peril of his ears ; and we believe that there 
 are prosecutions now pending against him for some 
 trifling misdemeanors of that kind. But vivat respublica. 
 The greater the scoundrel the purer the patriot. So 
 said the French ; and amen say the Americans. 
 
80 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Our inland ocean, lake Superiour, 
 We mean to merge in earth s interiour, 
 By dint of scientifick diggings, 
 A plan improv d from Jesse Higgins. 78 
 
 At Darien we ll dig a ditch, 
 With Mister Higgins leave, in which, 
 At two hours notice we ll be bound 
 To whelm old ocean under ground. 
 
 A very precious plan, I trow, 
 To drain the gulph of Mexico, 
 And Giddy Granger d best bespeak a 
 Post road from New York to Jamaica. 
 
 And I will aid, with all my heart, 
 Good Mister Emperour Bonapart*, 
 
 78 A plan improv d from Jesse Higgins. 
 
 A worthy sprig of our American Philosophical Society 
 is this Mr. Jesse Higgins, and a man, as will hereafter 
 appear, of most unfathomable profundity of geological 
 knowledge. He tells us in a communication, which is 
 printed in the 3d vol. of our American Philosophical 
 Transactions, pages 325 6, that at a certain distance 
 below the surface of the earth, there is a stratum of loose 
 sand, which admits of the passage of water, and that you 
 have nothing to do but to dig a pit at the bottom or side of 
 a pond to this stratum and the water will be absorbed and 
 the pond emptied ! ! 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 1 
 
 For I will make your channel dry land, 
 For him to march straight over by land. 
 
 By some such method I ll be bound, 
 To leave your navy on dry ground, 
 And then of course old England falls 
 In spite of all her wooden walls. 
 
 Sirs, we have now in contemplation 
 A beautiful land speculation, 
 The common regular course of which 
 Will make us most immensely rich. 
 
 We are most absolutely bent 
 
 On making us a continent, 
 
 A thing which we can doubtless do ; 
 
 For Darwin manufactur d two. 79 
 
 79 For Darwin manufactur d two. 
 
 For a particular account of this process we would refer 
 your worships to the Botanick Garden, in which you will 
 find how chaos quakes exploded the sun ; a sun quake ex 
 ploded comets and the primary planets ; primary planet 
 quakes begat moons, satellites, Sec, and you will likewise 
 perceive how the continent rose and the main sunk, &c. 
 Now it is plain that still further explosions will cause at 
 feast another continent. But more of this hereafter. 
 
 ^^ 
 
 M 
 
82 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Now would your worships buy the land, 
 We ll venture on your notes of hand, 
 Provided, first, you ll look out for some 
 Good London merchants to endorse em. 
 
 These notes, to make still more secure, 
 Our underwriters shall ensure, 
 And patriot Armstrong for the claimant, 
 As agent shall receive the payment. 80 
 
 80 As agent shall receive the payment. 
 
 This Mr. Patriot Armstrong is a personage of high 
 consideration, with whom your worships and the world 
 ought to be better acquainted. He first began tojigure, as 
 a patriot, at the close of our revolutionary war, at which 
 time he arrayed himself in opposition to general Wash 
 ington, wrote some very pretty patriotick letters, addressed 
 to certain worthy compatriots, in which he advised the 
 army to march against the government of his country, and 
 at the point of the bayonet to force them to pay certain 
 sums of money due to the brave men who achieved our 
 independence, but which sums, as it unfortunately hap 
 pened, it was not in the power of the government to pro 
 cure. In fact, he was determined to make himself the 
 Cromwell or Buonaparte of our free government. General 
 Washington, however, proved to be too old for him, and 
 patriot Armstrong was defeated. But he has of late ex 
 hibited himself in a point of view which cannot but make 
 him as famous as the hero who burnt the temple of Diana. 
 Had he at noon day set fire to the four corners of the city 
 of Philadelphia, he could not have shown a more laudable 
 disposition to destroy that kind of aristocracy, which con- 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. S3 
 
 Well make our right of soil the greater 
 By act of Georgia legislature, 
 With stipulations that they shan t 
 Destroy the records of their grant. 81 
 
 sists in the right offirofierty. In fact, this our ambassadour, 
 requested the condemnation of an American vessel illegally 
 captured by the French, because the claim was * pursued, 
 not on account of the ostensible owners^ but of the ensu* 
 rers ; and because these ensurers had, sometime or other, 
 fierhafis, made 20 per cent, per annum on their capital." 
 
 Now, to apply this precedent to the case in hand it will 
 amount to this, that whenever either of your worships 
 happens to have a guinea, you must present me with one 
 half of it, and if you wont quietly submit to make the 
 dividend, my friends Nap. Buonaparte and Jack Arm 
 strong shall administer, according to my prescriptions, a 
 few leaden lozenges, with now and then a chalybeate, till 
 we shall be able to reduce your worships, now so plethorick, 
 to a spare habit* 
 
 81 Destroy the records of their grant. 
 
 A certain immaculate junto of gentlemen, chosen by 
 the good people of one of our states to act in the capacity 
 of legislators, have shown the world how greatly the right 
 of property is respected by some of our good republicans. 
 
 The general assembly of Georgia passed an act, by 
 which, for a valuable consideration, they assigned to cer 
 tain persons a large tract of land. At a subsequent session, 
 however, finding that they had not made so good a bargain 
 as could have been wished, they took the liberty to annul 
 it, by the extraordinary process of burning the records, of 
 
84 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 We found, by accurate calculation, 
 How many years before creation 
 Our globe and trimmings were created, 
 In manner Doctor Darwin stated. 
 
 Tis true our theory opposes 
 What s call d the History of Moses ; 
 But his authority s denied ; 
 For our great emperour says he lied. 82 
 
 their proceedings, which contained the only evidence of 
 this unprofitable sale. This step caused the ruin of 
 thousands of our adventurers, who had become purchasers 
 of this land and were so foolish as to believe that when 
 the faith of the state was pledged for the performance of a 
 contract, they might suppose that it would be fulfilled. 
 This pure patriotick legislature, for this masterly measure, 
 most probably found their precedent in Godwin s Political 
 Justice, where we are told that " the adherence to pro 
 mises, as well as their employment, in the first instance 
 must be maintained only so far as upon a comprehensive 
 view, it shall be found productive of a balance of happi 
 ness."* 
 
 82 For our great emperour says he lied. 
 
 There is, we believe, an opinion not a little prevalent on 
 your side of the Atlantick, that we Americans are Chris 
 tians. But it seems hardly credible that Christians should 
 make choice of a chief magistrate, who is notoriously an 
 infidel, Hence it follows that the world is wrong in im- 
 
 * Book ii. chap. iii. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 85 
 
 On ocean s bottom we can travel 
 Thorough mud and thorough gravel, 
 
 puting to us any thing like Christianity. Of the infidelity 
 of the president of the United States, we might produce 
 proofs almost without number from a book which he calls 
 Notes on Virginia. The following may serve as a spe 
 cimen of his mode of attacking the Mosaick account of 
 the earth s formation. " I have received petrified shells 
 of different kinds from the first sources of the Kentucky, 
 which bear no resemblance to any I have ever seen on the 
 tide waters. It is said, that shells are found in the Andes, 
 in South America, fifteen thousand feet above the level of 
 the ocean. This is considered by many, both of the 
 learned and unlearned, as a proof of a universal deluge. 
 To the many considerations ofifiosing this ofiinion the following 
 may be added : The atmosphere, and all its contents, whe 
 ther of water, air, or other matters, gravitate to the earth ; 
 that is to say, they have weight. Experience tells us that 
 the weight of all these together never exceeds that of a 
 column of mercury of thirty -one inches height, which is 
 equal to one of rain water of thirty-five feet high. If the 
 whole contents of the atmosphere then were water, instead 
 of what they are, it would cover the globe but thirty-five 
 feet deep ; but as these waters, as they fell, would run 
 into the seas, the superficial measure of which is to that 
 of the dry parts of the globe as two to one, the seas would 
 be raised only fifty -two and a half feet above their present 
 level, and of course would overflow the lands to that height 
 only." 
 
 There might be in this case, however, some few argu 
 ments urged in favour of the statement made by Moses, 
 were not the weight of the authority of our emperour 
 like the infallibility of the pope, sufficient to put to flight 
 
86 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 While o er our heads hoarse tempests hurtle 
 With more adroitness than a turtle. 
 
 all kind of reasoning on the subject. It might be asserted, 
 perhaps, that the weight of the atmosphere is not a ciiter 
 lion of the quantity of water which it contains, for that 
 it is heaviest when most free from moisture. It might be 
 urged that history and tradition unite their testimony in 
 favour of the Mosaick account. That Lucian, Ovid, and 
 other heathen writers (whom by the by Mr. Jefferson 
 puts on a par with Moses) are pretty positive that some 
 thing of the kind must Have happened. Some have like 
 wise supposed that there might have been something- 
 supernatural in the event. A certain philosophical divine 
 on our side of the Allantick (though said to be one of 
 Mr. Jefferson s sect in politicks) attacks this philosophical 
 tenet as follows. 
 
 " In every valley and mountain support for revelation has 
 been found. Marine shells have been discovered in situa 
 tions so elevated, and under circumstances so remarkable, 
 as to prove that they were left there by a flood extending 
 over the whole globe, and what confirms this conclusion 
 is, that shells, peculiar to different shores and climates, 
 very distant from each other, have been found in promiscu 
 ous heaps, plainly showing that they could have been brought 
 together, only by an extensive inundation. The bones of 
 elephants and rhinoceri have been found in a multitude of 
 instances, far distant from the regions in which they are 
 found to live, and where, from the nature of the climate, 
 they could never exist in the living state ; and between the 
 climates which they might have inhabited, and the places 
 in which they are now found, too many mountains inter 
 vene to suppose them carried thither by any other means 
 than by a general deluge." Miller s Retrospect. This gen 
 tleman s cassock protects him from our indignation; other- 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 87 
 
 Priestley first caus d our head to teem 
 With this most eligible scheme, 
 Supplied us vital air, which stuff 
 We took like macaroni snuff. * 3 
 
 Encamp d beneath a vast ice island, 
 For nineteen years we did nt come nigh land, 
 And could have staid, as well as not, 
 E en had the sea been boiling hot. g4 
 
 wise it is impossible to foresee to what a pitch of resent 
 ment we might be hurried against a man who thus flies 
 in the face of his friend and our favourite philosopher. 
 
 8 3 We took like macaroni snuff. 
 
 Having now long since passed our grand climacterick, 
 and being of consequence somewhat forgetful, we cannot 
 refer your worships to the particular page of Dr. Priestley s 
 works in which you may find the sentiments of that sage 
 respecting the practicability of what we have so happily 
 achieved as above stated- You will find, however, that Dr. 
 Darwin foresaw what we were about to accomplish, for he 
 says; 
 
 " Led by the sage, Lo ! Britain s sons shall guide 
 Huge SEA-BALLOONS beneath the tossing tide ; 
 The diving castles, roof d with spherick glass, 
 Ribb d with strong oak, and barr d with bolts of brass? 
 Buoy d with pure air shall endless tracks pursue, 
 And PRIESTLEY S hand the vital flood renew." 
 
 Botanick Garden, Canto iv. 
 
 84 E en had the sea been boiling hot. 
 There was a certain Spaniard, whose name we have for- 
 
88 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Our car triumphal, drawn by whales, 
 Was tackled nicely to their tails ; 
 A Triton- coachman Neptune lent us, 
 Who drove as if the devil sent us. 85 
 
 gotten, but whose ignipotent powers have been mentioned 
 in newspapers and other periodical publications, who pos 
 sessed a power to live in hot water, boiling tar, Sec. and we 
 have seen a politician excited by the fever of party, become 
 so hot-headed as to melt the lead of his skull, and there 
 by make a light-headed orator of a leaden-headed booby. 
 
 8 5 Who drove as if the devil sent us. 
 
 This was in order to take possession before the British, 
 and establish our title to Neptune*s territory by the fight 
 of disco-very. Dr. Darwin, without the foresight which 
 commonly distinguished that wonderful philosopher, ap 
 prized us that Great Britain, not contented with ruling the 
 surface would take possession of the bottom of the ocean ; 
 for he says that this grand discovery being made perfect, 
 
 " Then shall BRITANNIA rule the wealthy realms, 
 Which ocean s wide insatiate wave o erwhelms ; 
 Confine in netted bowers his scaly flocks, 
 Part his blue plains, and people all his rocks. 
 Deep in warm waves beneath the line that roll, 
 Beneath the shadowy ice-isles of the pole, 
 Onward, through bright meandring vales afar, 
 Obedient sharks* shall trail her sceptred car, 
 With harness d necks the pearly flood disturb, 
 Stretch the silk rein, and champ the silver curb." 
 
 We preferred whales both for the docility and rhyme s sake, 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 89 
 
 We ve form d the most tremendous plan 
 Which ever enter d mind of man, 
 And which to nothing less aspires 
 Than MAKING MOONS from central fires. 
 
 For, if the theory of Hutton 
 
 Is worth the essence of a button, 
 
 And doctor Darwin has not blunder d, 
 
 We ll make you new moons by the hundred. 86 
 
 86 We ll make you new moons by the hundred* 
 
 I do not think that one in forty of your worships has 
 ever read the " Theory of the Earth," as first produced 
 by James Hutton, M. D. F. R. S. Sec. &c. and thereafter 
 much improved by professor Play fair. As it would, how 
 ever, be highly commendable for gentlemen of your ho 
 nourable profession not to rest with a superficial view of 
 the great operations of nature, I will accompany you as 
 far as the centre of gravity, in a journey of observation, 
 for investigating the astonishing magazines of burning 
 materials which Dr. Hutton and professor Playfair have 
 furnished us for the execution of our stupendous project. 
 
 1. You will obligingly take it for granted, or run the risk 
 of spoiling the Huttonian TheoiTj that the centre of the 
 globe is a stupendous furnace, a million times hotter than 
 that of Nebuchadnezzar. That this same heat, although it 
 never amounts to a blaze, and wastes no fuel is sufficiently 
 elastick to raise the continents from the bottom of the main 
 That having once raised or blown them up, as it were, 
 like a bladder, it it very careful not to let them down 
 
90 MJODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 We mean to bore us, at a venture 
 
 Some auger holes through Mutton s centre, 
 
 again, because as we shall see by and by, they must all 
 be u disintegrated" alias washed into the ocean. 
 
 2. Moreover, Dr. Button s followers will thank you to 
 suppose that all this matter, raised as aforesaid, consisted 
 originally of unstratijied rocks, which, though they are 
 properly called primitive as the the most ancient of the 
 whole family of rocks, yet they are in fact nothing better 
 than the scrapings or " disintegrations" of primal conti 
 nents which existed before the commencement of the last 
 edition of the earth. 
 
 3. You will please to believe that all calcareous matters 
 are formed from the detritus of the primitive rocks, de 
 livered by rivers into the sea, and there, after having been 
 modified by central heat, protruded above water as before 
 mentioned. 
 
 4. You will likewise be convinced that no metal, mineral 
 or lafiidose substance, can possibly be formed except at 
 the bottom of the ocean, in the laboratory of Dr. Hutton.* 
 
 5. That although some foolish people have supposed that 
 the sea has been subsiding for centuries, yet, as we know 
 that the continents are crumbling into the ocean, you will 
 conclude that we shall at length find all our dry land under 
 water, and the sea increased in proportion to the square feet 
 of earth deposited under its surface. 
 
 * And therefore the writer of the article " Earth" in the Ency 
 clopedia Britannica is wrong in attempting 1 to overturn this fine fabrick 
 of philosophy, by making- it appear that metals, minerals, fossils, &c. 
 are continually forming by accretion, &.c. on the earth s surface. 
 Indeed, that writer has laid a heavy hand on all the theories of our 
 modern earthmongers. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 91 
 
 Thus give an unexpected vent, 
 To Button s fires in prison pent. 
 
 We ll fan his furnace by a pair 
 
 Of bellows made of Franklin s air, 8? 
 
 6. That it is evident that this central heat, having raised 
 its continents, and put proper supporters under them, will go 
 to work in due time, and raise new continents from the 
 bottom of the ocean. Thus the area of Dr Mutton s cen 
 tre will be enlarged, till the earth and moon will come in 
 contact, if our plan hereafter mentioned should not check 
 such progression. But we forbear, lest when it is ascer 
 tained that " the present continents are all going to decay 
 and their materials descending into the ocean,* it may 
 cause some disagreeable sensations among our friends, 
 who are speculators in American lands, whose property, it 
 seems, according to Dr. Hutton s theory, is about to take 
 French leave of its worthy proprietors. 
 
 When you have thoroughly saturated your faculties with 
 this theory, we will oblige you with a fresh solution from 
 Dr. Darwin, compounded as follows : 
 
 " The variation of the compass can only be accounted 
 for by supposing the central parts of the earth to consist 
 of a fluid mass, and that part of this fluid is iron, which 
 requiring a greater degree of heat to bring it into fusion 
 than glass or other metals, remains a solid ore. The vis 
 inertia of this fluid mass with the iron in it occasions it to 
 perform fewer revolutions than the crust of solid earth 
 over it ; and thus it is gradually left behind, and the place; 
 where the floating iron resides, is pointed to by the direct 
 or retrograde motion of the magnetick needle." 
 
92 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 The waves of which are useful found 
 In revolutions under ground. 88 
 
 8 ? Of bellows made of Franklin s air. 
 
 In the first paper of the third volume of Transactions 
 of the American Philosophical Society, you will find cer 
 tain " Conjectures concerning the formation of the earth," 
 Sec. in a letter from Dr. B. Franklin, to the abbe Soulavie ; 
 which we would prescribe as tonicks to Button s system. 
 The American sage informs us, that in the course of some 
 observations in Derbyshire, in England, he " imagined 
 that the internal part (of the earth) might be a fluid more 
 dense, and of greater specifick gravity than any of the 
 solids we are acquainted with ; which therefore might 
 swim in or upon that fluid. Thus the surface of the globe 
 would be a shell, capable of being broken and disordered 
 by any violent movements of the fluid on which it rested. 
 And as air has been compressed by art so as to be twice 
 as dense as water, in which case, if such air and water 
 could be contained in a strong glass vessel, the air would 
 be seen to take the lowest place, and the water to float 
 above and upon it ;* and as we know not yet the degree 
 of density to which air may be compressed ; and M. Amon- 
 tons calculated, that its density increasing as it approached 
 the centre in the same proportion as above the surface, it 
 would at the depth of leagues be heavier than gold, 
 possibly the dense fluid occupying the internal parts of the 
 globe might be air compressed. And as the force of ex 
 pansion in dense air, when heated, is in proportion to its 
 density ; this central air might afford another agent to move 
 the surface, as well as be of use in keefiing alive the subter 
 raneous Jires : though as you observe, the sudden rarefac 
 tion of water coming into contact with those fires may 
 
 * I am afraid after all, this would turn out but a bubble, 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER, 93 
 
 Then pour in suddenly the ocean 
 To give eclat to our explosion, 
 
 also be an agent sufficiently strong for that purpose, wheu 
 acting between the incumbent earth and the fluid on which 
 it rests. 
 
 " If one might indulge imagination in supposing how 
 such a globe was formed, I should conceive, that all tha 
 elements in separate particles being originally mixed in 
 confusion, and occupying a great space, they would as 
 soon as the almighty fiat ordained gravity or the mutual 
 attraction of certain parts, and the mutual repulsion of 
 other parts to exist, all move towards their common centre : 
 That the air being a fluid whose parts repel each other, 
 though drawn to the common centre by their gravity, 
 would be densest towards the centre and rarer as 
 more remote ; consequently all matters lighter than the 
 central part of that air and immersed in it, would recede 
 B from the centre and rise till they arrived at that region of 
 the air which was of the same specifick gravity with them 
 selves, where they would rest ; while other matter, mixed 
 with the lighter air would descend, and the two meeting 
 would form the shell of the first earth, leaving the upper 
 atmosphere nearly clear.* The original movement of the 
 parts towards their common centre would naturally form 
 
 * Now, if it should happen that the comparative levity of air 
 consists in the repellant powers of its particles, and those bodies 
 which have the greatest cohesion are most prone to gravitate, there 
 " needs Dr. Franklin s ghost to tell us," what should hinder bodies 
 of greater specifick gravity from riddling down between his particles 
 of air. No man but Dr. Franklin could have caught the fugitive 
 air under the shell of the first earth, and pressed it till it became 
 heavier than gold by a hurly burly of elements " mixed in con 
 fusion." 
 
94 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 For that your worships know, or may know, 
 Adds mightily to a volcano. 
 
 a whirl there, which would continue in the turning of the 
 new formed globe upon its axis, and the greatest diameter 
 of the shell would be in its equator. If by any accident after 
 wards the axis should be changed, * [viz. by the impinging 
 of a Buffon s comet s tail or the delivery of Darwin s 
 moon] " the dense internal fluid by altering its form must 
 burst the shell, and throw all its substance into the con 
 fusion in which we find it !" There s an air gun for your 
 worships I 
 
 Now, if we did not possess a particular partiality for the 
 sage who formed this system, we should probably break 
 up his Eolian cave, even at the risk of creating half a 
 hundred hurricanes. For should we open a vent as large 
 as a needle s point into this magazine of compressed air, 
 you would instantly be assailed by " an other guess whist 
 ling"* than was the tempest tost Trojan fleet when 
 
 Una Eurusque Notusque ruunt creberque procellis. 
 88 In revolutions under ground. 
 
 "The globe," says the doctor Transactions of the Ame 
 rican Philosophical Society, vol iii. p. 4. " being now become 
 a permanent magnet, we are, perhaps, safe from any fu 
 ture change of its axis. But we are subject to the accidents 
 on the surface which are occasioned by a wave in the in 
 ternal ponderous fluid." The doctor then proceeds, and 
 affords us a very fine earthquake by the agitation of this 
 central fluid. 
 
 * The " Monthly Reviewer * of our late edition of Tractoration, 
 would have it that OURSELF was a Scotchman " frae the north," 
 Sec. Now here s a yankee phrase, merely to convince you that they 
 were out in their conjectures. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 95 
 
 Each orifice will then give birth 
 To grand satellites for earth, 
 Disploded dreadfully ! dear me ! 
 Like Darwin s moon from southern sea. 
 
 How will the universe admire 
 When my vast bickering moons of fire 
 In grand Darwinian style shall rise 
 Like burning mountains through the skies ! 
 
 
 
 Although our grand explosions must 
 Destroy good doctor Burnet s crust, 89 
 
 8 9 Destroy good doctor Burnet s crust. 
 
 We should be able to make much more rapid progress 
 in our sublime flights of poetry, were we not under the 
 necessity of dismounting from our Pegasus every ten paces 
 in order to give your worships a hoist, and thus enable 
 your ponderosities, like Mr. Pope s " slugs," to keep up with 
 us. It is a thousand to one if any one of your college has 
 ever heard of Dr. Burnet, of earth-manufacturing memo 
 ry. But it is absolutely necessary that you should know 
 something of Dr. Burnet s theory before you can com 
 prehend the stanza to which this note has reference. 
 You will therefore shut up this my volume and beg from 
 some circulating library, or borrow Dr. Burnets theory of 
 the earth s formation ; and when you have diligently 
 drudged through that treatise, we will again take you iu 
 tow, and permit you to accompany us but non passibus 
 equis, till our muse salutes you with procul ! O procul 1 &c. 
 
96 MODERN PHILOSOPHER, 
 
 From candle savings we ll endeavour 
 To make his shell as good as ever. 
 
 Now when we ve made our batch of moons, 
 Philosophers, unless they re loons, 
 Will, though we re such a surly gnostick 
 Name one of them " GREAT DOCTOR CAUS- 
 TICK !" 
 
 Could tell what time, on Button s notion, 
 Would " duck" the earth beneath the ocean ; 9q 
 
 9 Would " duck" the earth beneath the ocean. 
 
 It would be the highest act of injustice and ingratitude 
 to professor Playfair not to own that he supplied us with 
 the principal principles necessary for the solution of this 
 stupendous problem. See what he says ! and see how 
 happily it is said ! as follows : 
 
 "It is highly interesting to trace up the action of causes 
 with which we are familiar, to the production of effects, 
 which at first seem to require the introduction of unknown 
 and extraordinary powers ; and it is no less interesting to 
 observe, how skilfully nature has balanced the action of all 
 the minute causes of waste, and rendered them conducive 
 to the general good. Of this we have a most remarkable 
 instance, in the provision made for preserving the soil, 
 or the coat of vegetable mould, spread out over the surface 
 of the earth. This coat, as it consists of loose materials, 
 is easily washed away by the rains, and is continually 
 diminished ; its lower parts being transported from higher 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 97 
 
 And when and how would be unfurl d, 
 A new edition of the world. 91 
 
 to lower levels, and finally delivered into the sea. This 
 effect is visible to every one ; the earth is removed not 
 only in the form of sand and gravel, but its finer particles 
 suspended in the waters, tinge those of some rivers con 
 tinually, and those of all occasionally ; that is, when they 
 are flooded or swollen with rains. The quantity of earth 
 thus carried down varies according to circumstances It 
 has been computed, in some instances, that the water of a 
 river in a flood contains earthy matter suspended in it, 
 amounting to more than the two hundred and fiftieth part 
 of its own bulk." Here you find our data. 
 
 The gentleman proceeds with a little too much circum- 
 rotundity for us to quote him to show that the disintegra 
 tion of rocks supplies this wear and tear of the vegetable, 
 mould of continents and islands, washed into the sea as 
 before stated. 
 
 There are some other sublime matters mentioned by 
 the learned doctor, and adduced in proof of his central 
 heats, respecting the penetration of wood by melted flint ! I 
 Of which you must say " credo quia non possibile est." 
 
 Now, if we were not mortally adverse to the spoiling of 
 a beautiful theory, we should set it with its wrong end 
 uppermost in a moment, by something like what follows. 
 
 We should say that metals, minerals, and fossils are 
 daily forming and increasing by accretion and certain 
 other mysterious operations of nature, on and near the 
 surface of the earth, without the aid of Dr. Button s lamina 
 in the bottom of the ocean, or fusion by central heat. 
 
98 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Like us was never man besides 
 For managing aerial tides, 
 
 We should also observe, that there is a continual accu 
 mulation of earth in many places, caused by the recre 
 ments of vegetable and animal substances ; which vegetable 
 and animal substances are supplied, originally, in a great 
 measure with nourishment by vapours and clouds raised 
 from the sea ; and that it is very possible that this accu 
 mulation, which is greatest on high lands and mountains, 
 covered with woods, in consequence of their superiour 
 attraction of such vapours, may be able to counterbalance 
 the so much dreaded " detritus," which seems to threaten 
 them with eventual submersion in the ocean. But we 
 make it a point never to kick over the theory of a fine 
 philosopher. 
 
 s 1 A new edition of the world. 
 
 Mr. Playfair upon Hutton, having fairly washed the 
 world under water, proceeds to sketch the outlines of a 
 picture, which our masterly hand could alone finish. 
 
 " We are not," he says, " however, to imagine, that 
 there is no where any means of repairing this waste ; for, 
 on comparing the conclusion at which we are now arrived, 
 viz. that the present continents are all going to decay, and 
 their materials descending into the ocean, with the pro 
 position first laid down, that these same continents are 
 collected from materials which must have been collected 
 from the decay of former rocks, it is impossible not to 
 recognise two corresponding steps of the same progress ; 
 of a progress, by which mineral substances are subjected 
 to the same series of changes, and alternately wasted away 
 and renovated. In the same manner as the present mine 
 ral substances derive their origin from substance similar 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 99 
 
 Franklin was not so great a schemer, 
 Volney a much less windy dreamer. 92 
 
 to themselves ; so from the land now going to decay, the 
 sand and gravel forming on the sea shore, or in the beds 
 of rivers ; from the shells and corals which in such enor 
 mous quantities are every day accumulated in the bosom 
 ef the sea ; from the drift wood, and the multitude of vege 
 table and animal remains continually deposited in the 
 ocean ; from all these we cannot doubt, that strata are 
 now forming in those regions, to which nature seems to 
 have confined the powers of mineral reproduction ; from 
 which, after being consolidated, they are again destined 
 to emerge, and to exhibit a series of changes similar to 
 the past." Illustrations of the Huttonian Theory, p. 1 18 
 19. 
 
 Here you have the how : as to the when, Mr. Playfaiy 
 tells you that " TIME performs the office of integrating 
 the infinitesimal parts of which this progression is made 
 up ; it collects them into one sum, and produces from 
 them an amount greater than any that can be assigned." 
 
 We have kept the reckoning for " TIME," and have 
 made an infinite number of " infinitesimals," which alto 
 gether amount to an afirojcimation of the precise period of 
 tfhe integration. 
 
 9 2 Volney a much less windy dreamer. 
 
 The author of the Pursuits of Literature says that he 
 could 
 
 " give with Darwin, to the hectick kind 
 
 Receipts in verse to shift the north-east wind ;" 
 
 and that a man, to be qualified for speculations of this sort, 
 
100 MODERN PHILOSOPHER, 
 
 We gagg d sage Darwin s polar bear, 
 And would not let him " vomit air r " 93 
 
 ought to possess an intellect adapted to solving the follow 
 ing problem in natural philosophy. 
 
 " Whether, the hybernal frigidity of the antipodes, pass 
 ing in an orthogonal line through the homogeneous solidity 
 of the centre might warm the superficial convexity of our 
 heels by a soft antiperistasis ?" 
 
 It is indeed wonderful how far the ingenuity of a very 
 astute hypothesizing philosopher will sometimes carry him, 
 provided he does not fetter himself with common sense. 
 The invocation of Mr. Higgins in the Loves of the 
 Triangles to the " DIVINE NONSENSIA" ought to be adopted 
 by most of our penetrating geniuses, who are so renowned 
 for theory building. 
 
 This Monsieur Citizen Volney published a kind of cir 
 cular letter, requesting the cooperation of men of similar 
 views and intellects with his own, to make out a correct 
 theory of winds, and seemed to entertain no doubt, but 
 that he could manage aerial currents, much better than a 
 stage driver can a coach horse. 
 
 Dr. Franklin s speculations on the same subject are not 
 a little notable. His tropical hurricanes, caused by a 
 whirligig descent of cold air from the upper to the lower 
 regions, are very fine phenomena. His north east storms, 
 which begin their operations on our continent, at the south 
 west, in consequence of some extra rarefaction of air, 
 some where near the isthmus of Darien, deserve a minute 
 inspection. The ascent of rarefied air at the equator, 
 which whiffles away to the poles and visits us in the form 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 101 
 
 Thus spoil d the Boreal ventilator 
 And made a vacuum at the equator, 
 
 of a frigorifick north-wester, as explained by Darwin, re 
 quires due consideration from your worships. But we do 
 not think it possible, by a single impulse, to beat all this 
 philosophy into your right worshipful sconces. You will, 
 therefore, please to wait till we have leisure for the ope 
 ration. 
 
 93 And would not let him " vomit air." 
 
 This terrible bear is likewise a camelionj and also a 
 dragon. But here you have him. 
 
 " Castled on ice, beneath the circling bear, 
 A vast CAMELION drinks and -vomits air : 
 O er twelve degrees his ribs gigantick bend, 
 And many a league his gasping jaws extend ; 
 Half fish beneath, his scaly volutes spread, 
 And vegetable plumage crests his head ; 
 Huge fields of air his wrinkled skin receives, 
 From panting gills, wide lungs, and waving leaves ;* 
 Then with dread throes subsides his bloated form, 
 His shriek the thunder, and his sigh the storm." 
 
 Botanick Garde??. 
 
 And again in prose. 
 
 "Though the immediate cause of the destruction or 
 reproduction of great masses of air, at certain times when 
 the wind changes from north to south, or from south to 
 north, cannot yet be ascertained ; yet as there appears 
 greater difficulty in accounting for this change of wind 
 
 * " Divine Nonsensia." 
 
102 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 And then, by Doctor Priestley s aid, 
 
 A vital atmosphere was made, 
 
 And stretch d abroad, and found to answer, 
 
 From Capricorn quite on to Cancer. 
 
 We set an air balloon in motion 
 To float on th 7 atmospherick ocean, 
 Annex d a log, which never fail d, 
 To give the distance which it sail d. 
 
 And form d a rudder, I assure it ye, 
 By which we steer d with great security, 
 And could make good our destination 
 To any harbour in creation. 
 
 And we had nineteen pair of oars, 
 All mann d with philosophick rowers, 
 
 from any other known causes, we may still suspect that 
 there exists in the arctick and antarctick circles, a BEAR 
 or DRAGON, yet unknown to philosophers, which at times 
 suddenly drinks ufi, and at other times as suddenly "vomits 
 out one fifteenth part of the atmosphere : and hope that 
 this or some future age will learn how to govern and do 
 mesticate a monster which might be rendered of such 
 important service to mankind." ! ! ! 
 
 Botanick Garden. A ofe XXXI 1$. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 103 
 
 Could therefore sail without a breeze, 
 Or stem a hurricane with ease. 94 
 
 94 Or stem a hurricane with ease. 
 
 " Many schemes" (it is said in Rees s Cyclopedia, ar 
 ticle Aerostation) " have been proposed for directing the 
 horizontal motion of balloons. Some have thought of an 
 nexing sails to a balloon, in order to ;give it the advan 
 tage of the wind ; but to this proposal it has been objected, 
 that as the aerostatick machines are at rest with respect to 
 the air that surrounds them, they feel no wind, and con 
 sequently can derive no benefit from the sails." None 
 but a conjuror, however, could have made that discovery. 
 But Dr. Rees says further,-that " An ingenious writer ob 
 serves, that the case of vessels at sea is quite different 
 from that of balloons ; because that the former move with 
 a velocity incomparably less than that of the wind im 
 pelling them, on account of the resistance of the water," 
 Sec. This ingenious writer must have had a new edition 
 of Friar Bacon s head on his shoulders. 
 
 Our mode of steering a balloon is an improvement on 
 the invention of Professor Danzel, which is thus described 
 by Dr. Rees. " Professor Danzel has constructed two 
 cylinders, or axles, to the ends of which are fixed, in the 
 form of a cross, four sails or oars, moveable at the point 
 of their insertion in the cylinder, in such a manner, that 
 when made to move round by .means of a handle, the eight 
 oars, like the cogs of a water mill wheel, present, suc 
 cessively, sometimes their flat side and sometimes their 
 edge," &c. 
 
 It is very possible that you may have heard of some of 
 our American mechanical geniuses, who have sometime* 
 come- -very nigh to the art of navigating boats against the 
 
104 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 By aid of this our grand invention 
 Some few months hence tis our intention, 
 To steer with fleet of air balloons 
 To colonize our foresaid moons. 
 
 A most inveterate believer 
 In importation of our fever ; 
 Will point you to the harpy nest 
 In which was bred the horrid pest. 
 
 Twas hatch d in subterrannean cell 
 In hottest heat of Mutton s h 11, 
 And dire volcanoes gave it birth, 
 Which shook the pillars of the earth. 95 
 
 stream by the force of the current. But our invention is 
 very materially different from that. We manage much 
 like a crab or lobster that paddles himself forward under 
 water, and proceeds as well as if he actually carried sail. 
 
 w Which shook the pillars of the earth. 
 
 All this is very evident from Mr. Webster s " History 
 of Pestilence," which " proves beyond doubt, that the 
 approach of comets to our system has a prodigious in 
 fluence on the elements of this globe ;" and that " it ap 
 pears to be a general law of nature that the approach of 
 comets to this earth calls into action the subterranean 
 fire, and volcanoes discharge their contents during or 
 within a few months of the appearance of comets." 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 105 
 
 And when its " egg of night" was burst, 96 
 In Africk s torrid zone twas nurst, 97 
 But sometimes makes us visitations 
 To punish our abominations. 
 
 And pray believe us now we beg, 
 
 We hatch d the first imported egg, 
 
 Though truly with some conscience-prickings, 
 
 Much as Egyptians hatch their chickens. 
 
 We play d, we ll own, our mind so rack d is, 
 This prank to pave our way to practice ; 
 
 9 6 And when its " egg of night" was burst. 
 
 This, with your leave, is a very sublime allegory some 
 what similar to Dr. Darwin s " Love Divine" producing 
 the world from the * egg of night, as it floated in chaos." 
 
 Botanick Garden, Canto i. 
 
 97 In Africk s torrid zone twas nurst. 
 
 So says Dr. Mead, Dr. Chisholm, and many other ad 
 vocates for specifick contagion. Some contend that pu 
 trefaction cannot be sufficiently virulent to produce 
 this fever in any part of the world but Africa. The 
 plague, however, which ravaged London in the year 1665, 
 if imported into that city must have originated in Hol 
 land. But this is only one exception to a general rule. 
 Besides, I have no doubt that the Dutch cultivated that 
 exotick in hot-beds, as they afterwards did tulips. 
 
106 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Our object was to extend the curse, 
 And thereby to distend our purse. 
 
 As to th extent of its dominion 
 We ll favour you with our opinion ; 
 But when we greet you next, you ll please 
 To give security for fees. 
 
 This dire disorder is contagious, 
 And its contagion is outrageous; 98 
 
 98 And its contagion is outrageous. 
 Some people, who appear to be fond of an opportu 
 nity of spoiling a beautiful theory, have produced against 
 contagion the following arguments, and thereby very much 
 perplexed a simple subject which ought to have been de 
 cided simply by the ifise dixit of some famous personage 
 of the faculty. 
 
 1 . The disorder is propagated more rapidly than could 
 bt possible on the theory of contagion ; as it spreads over 
 a large city quicker than the small pox would pervade a 
 single alley. 
 
 2. It assimilates to itself all other diseases, and forces 
 them to wear its livery ; which never is the case in conta 
 gious disorders. 
 
 3. It is destroyed by frost; but frost increases the activi 
 ty of contagion. 
 
 4. It is an endemick, and must have its own local at 
 mosphere, beyond whose limits it cannot be communica 
 ted. Thus the attendants of the sick in country hospitals 
 are never known to be infected. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 107 
 
 Twill flourish, sirs, no matter where, 
 On dryest soil, in purest air. 
 
 It is an animalcule, which 
 Is propagated like the itch : 
 Communicated like small-pox, 
 But never bred in dirty docks. 
 
 From patient s breath an emanation, 
 Or given by inoculation ; 
 Though Webster says he s seen it sail 
 Through ether on a comet s tail. 
 
 From friends infected, children, wives, 
 Let all men scamper for their lives, 
 The wretches shun like Charon s ferry, 
 And leave the dead themselves to bury. 
 
 I know some simpletons have said, 
 A kind of fever may be bred, 
 Merely by heat and putrefaction, 
 Which suits our theorists to a fraction. 
 
 These, and fifty other arguments of a similar nature, I 
 overturn by the weight of the authority of Dr. Mead and 
 other great men, which I have found to be a concise and 
 conclusive way of stopping the mouths of my opponents. 
 
108 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 They tell you, if these causes may 
 Produce the plague in Africa, 
 It would to common sense appear 
 They might make shift to make it here 
 
 That true philosophy expects 
 From all like causes like effects ; 
 For nature never play d a prank 
 To cheat us like a mountebank. 
 
 But these " dull fools" wont understand 
 That, being Freedom s favour d land, 
 Nature obliges us with flaws, 
 And sometimes breaks her general laws. 
 
 By strict attention to its tilth 
 
 We find its enmity to filth, 
 
 That tis offended when it meets 
 
 Dead dogs, and so forth, in the streets. 
 
 Therefore our cits, in sultry weather 
 Should scrape their dirtiness together, 
 And then contrive to lodge it pretty 
 Near to the centre of the city. 
 
 The fever meeting such a mound 
 Will show his backsides, I ll be bound, 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 109 
 
 And leave the happy filth-protected 
 Good citizens quite uninfected. 
 
 Thus Darwin s squabby fiend that sits 
 Astride a hag in hyst rick fits, " 
 In half the time that one could wink 
 Evanishes before a stink. 10 
 
 99 Astride a hag in hys trick fits. 
 
 " So on his NIGHTMARE, through the evening fog 
 Flits the squab fiend o er fen, and lake, and bog ; 
 Seeks some love-wilder d maid with sleep oppressed, 
 Alights and grinning sits upon her breast. 
 Back o er her pillow sinks her blushing head, 
 Her snow-white limbs hang helpless from the bed ; 
 While with quick sighs, and suffocative breath 
 Her interrupted heart-fiulse swims in death.* 
 On her fair bosom sits the demon-ape 
 Erect, and balances his bloated shape j 
 Rolls in their marble orbs his Gorgon-eyes, 
 And drinks with leathern ears her tender cries." 
 
 The worst of it was, however, that she could not cry, 
 fioor thing, because " the will presides not in the bower of 
 sleep." But you will please to read the whole passage. 
 Botanick Garden, Canto \\\.from line 50 to line 79. 
 
 100 Evanishes before a stink. 
 
 This, to be sure, is not a very genteel line. Such as it is, 
 however, it is much at your service. We are happy to 
 observe that our modern poets are generally careful to 
 
 * A " swimming heart-pulse" is a wonderful figure. 
 
110 MODERN PHILOSOPHER, 
 
 Your worships being on this scent 
 Will snuff another argument, 
 
 present us whatever poison may be expedient, to please the 
 palates of their readers, in a silver chalice, and make it as 
 luscious as possible by the honey of their diction. But 
 our criticks will please to recollect, that we are not writing 
 a song for a love lorn lady, a " sentimental ensign," nor any 
 of those frisking gentry described by Mr. Gifford in the 
 Baviad. No ; we are addressing a scientifick body, on a 
 scientifick subject, and therefore are justified in the use 
 of language which would highly offend the olfactories 
 of ladies and ladies-men. You will find, however, in a 
 collection of essays and poetry from the Anti-Jacobin or 
 Weekly Examiner, second edition, p. 533, that a very 
 polished gentleman gives the following account of the in 
 conveniences attending a trip to sea. 
 
 " There was great Dr. P r, whom we style BELLENDE- 
 
 NUS ; 
 
 The doctor and I have a hammock between us, 
 Tis a little unpleasant thus crowding together, 
 On account of the motion and heat of the weather ; 
 Two souls in one birth they oblige us to cram, 
 And sir JOHN will insist on a place for his RAM. 
 Though the doctor, I find, is determin d to think 
 Tis the animal s hide that occasions the stink ; 
 In spite of th* experienc d opinion of TRUMAN, 
 Who contends that the scent is exclusively human, 
 But Beddoes and Darwin engage to repair 
 This slight inconvenience with oxygcne air" 
 
 You will likewise find an authority for the use of this 
 unsavoury verb, in Mr. Pope s Dunciad, where, in the 
 games instituted by the goddess of Dulness, we find a 
 hero happily distinguished in a race 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. Ill 
 
 Which has by journalists been bandied, 
 And, though not very sweet, is candid. 
 
 Filth on earth s surface, it is clear, 
 Its like attracts from th atmosphere, 
 And makes a wondrous pure vicinity, 
 By laws of chymical affinity. 101 
 
 Our citizens, their next resource, 
 
 Should ope a " social intercourse," 
 
 By digging channels through their mounds 
 
 Twixt vaults and wells and burying grounds. 
 
 For such good management ensures 
 Against th expense of digging sewers, 
 Because one well, tis very plain, 
 May serve ten privies for a drain. 
 
 <f Vig rous he rises ; from th effluvia strong 
 Imbibes new life and scours and stinks along." 
 
 By laws of chymical affinity. 
 
 Many an elaborate argument of that kind has been 
 made publick, during our disputes respecting the origin 
 f the American plague. Madrid and Edinburgh, it is 
 affirmed, are much the more healthy in consequence of 
 a nastiness which is proverbial. This no doubt is sound 
 reasoning, and my judicious directions which follow are 
 founded on a similar basis. 
 
112 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 These things accomplished they must mind 
 And put what dead folks they can find 
 Scarce under ground, in the most populous 
 Parts they can pick in each metropolis. 
 
 For twould be decorous, at least, 
 In memory of friends deceased, 
 To strive to answer two good ends, 
 To drink to, and to drink our friends. 
 
 Thus Artemisia ( twas, I think) 
 Made her dead husband diet drink, 
 And thereby, probably enough, 
 She sav d a deal of doctor s stuff. 
 
 They next will scoop each crowded place in 
 The form of something like a basin, 
 The bottom of the lowest part 
 They ll make the centre of the mart. I02 
 
 102 They ll make the centre of the mart. 
 
 They are performing wonders in New York, in the 
 way of securing to themselves, and entailing on their 
 posterity the privilege of .dying with this sublime disorder. 
 But for further information we would refer your worships 
 to No. 1. of our additional notes, appended to the end of 
 our poem. 
 

 MODERN PHILOSOPHER* 113 
 
 Now, after all these things are finished 
 I would not have their zeal diminish d, 
 For tis a maxim, ever true 
 That nought is done if aught s to do. 
 
 They next must go to work and grub 
 Up every root, and tree, and shrub, 
 Each trace of vegetation found 
 In town and out for ten miles round. 
 
 Their " useful labours" to complete 
 In every square, and market street, 
 By way of ornament they ll please 
 To set out Bohun Upas trees. 
 
 If, after all, they find the fiend 
 Of fever manfully contend, 
 Swear like a certain other caitiff 
 In open court that he s a native. 
 
 To stop his progress my advice is 
 
 To tow us down the polar ices ; 
 
 For when a field or two is brought us 
 
 Twill force the fiend to winter quarters* 
 
114 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 This thing your worships well know can 
 Be done on Dr. Darwin s plan, 
 And tis the best thing, past a doubt, 
 Our gun boats can be set about. 
 
 These, among many, are but few, 
 Of mighty things which I could do ; 
 All which I ll state, if tis your pleasure, 
 Much more at large when more at leisure. 
 
 Now it appears from what I state here, 
 My plans for mending human nature 
 Entitle me to take the chair 
 From Rousseau, Godwin, or Voltaire. 
 
 They are of most immense utility ; 
 All tend to man s perfectibility ; 
 And if pursu d, I dare to venture ye, 
 He ll be an angel in a century. 
 
 Although St. Pierre, a knowing chap, 
 Deserves a feather in his cap, 
 For having boldly set his foot on 
 The foolish trash of Isaac Newton ; 103 
 
 I0 3 The foolish trash of Isaac Newton. 
 See Studies of Nattire, by St. Pierre, in which that 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 115 
 
 Contriv d a scheme, which very nice is ; 
 For making tides of polar ices. 
 
 scheming philosopher has, with wonderful adroitness, swept 
 away the cobweb calculations of one Isaac Newton. In 
 deed, I never much admired the writings of the last men 
 tioned gentleman, for the substantial reasons following. 
 
 In the first place, the inside of a man s noddle must be 
 better furnished than that of St. Pierre, or he will never 
 be able to comprehend them. 
 
 Secondly, it would be impossible to manufacture a 
 system, like that of St. Pierre, accounting for the various 
 phenomena of nature, in a new and simple method, if one 
 were obliged to proceed, like Newton, in his Princifiia^ 
 in a dull, plodding, mathematical manner, and firove, or 
 even render probable, the things he asserts. But by taking 
 some facts for granted, without proof, omitting to mention 
 such as militate against a favourite theory, we may, with 
 great facility, erect a splendid edifice of " airy nothings/ 1 
 founded on hypotheses without foundation. 
 
 The said Isaac had taken it into his head that the earth s 
 equatorial was longer than its polar diameter. This he 
 surmised from the circumstance of a pendulum vibrating 
 slower near the equator than near the pole, and from finding 
 that the centrifugal force of the earth would not fully ac 
 count for the difference between the time of the vibrations 
 at Cayenne and at Paris. 
 
 This, with other reasons equally plausible, led him to 
 suppose that the earth was flattened near the poles> in the 
 form of an oblate spheroid, and that a degree of latitude 
 would, of consequence, be greater near the pole than at 
 the equator. Actual admeasurement coincided with that 
 conclusion. 
 
116 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 And fed old Ocean s tub with fountains, 
 From arctick and antartick mountains. 
 
 Though Mister Godwin told us how 
 To make a clever sort of plough, I04 
 
 The abbe St. Pierre, however, possessing a most lau 
 dable ambition to manufacture tides from polar ices, and 
 thus to overturn Sir Isaac s theory relative to the moon s 
 influence in producing those phenomena, and finding it 
 somewhat convenient for that purpose to place his poles 
 at a greater distance from the center of gravity than the 
 equator, accordingly took that liberty. He likewise had 
 another substantial reason therefor. Unless his polar dia 
 meter was longer than his equatorial, the tides, being 
 ,caused by the fusion of polar ices, must flow up hill. 
 
 He therefore drew a beautiful diagram with which a 
 triangle would (according to the scheme of the author 
 of The Lo-ves of the Triangles, improved from Dr. Dar 
 win s Loves of the Plants} certainly fall in love at first 
 sight. (See page xxxiv. Pref. Studies of Nature.) In dis 
 playing his geometrical skill in this diagram, however, he 
 took care to forget that there was some little, difference 
 between an oblong" and an oblate spheroid. That flattening 
 the earth s surface, either in a direction perpendicular or 
 parallel to the poles, would increase the length of a 
 degree of latitude by decreasing the earth s convexity. 
 That neither an oblate, nor an oblong spheroid was quite 
 so sfiherical as a perfect sfihere. This was very proper, 
 because such facts would have been conclusive against 
 his new Theory of the Tides. 
 
 104 To make a clever sort of plough. 
 If you wish, gentlemen, to know any thing further rela 
 
HODERN PHILOSOPHER. 117 
 
 Which would e en set itself to work, 
 And plough an acre in a jerk. 
 
 Though Price s projects are so clever, 
 They show us how to live for ever I05 
 Unless we blunder, to our cost, 
 And break our heads against a post ! 
 
 Though Darwin, thinking to dismay us, 
 Made dreadful clattering in chaos, 
 
 tive to this instinctive plough, you will take the trouble to 
 consult Mr. Godwin s Political Justice, in which you will 
 find almost as many sublime and practicable schemes for 
 meliorating the condition of man, as in this very erudite 
 work of my own. Let it not be inferred from my not en 
 larging upon the present and other schemes of this philo 
 sopher, that I would regard him as one whit inferiour to 
 any other modern philosopher existing, not even excepting 
 his friend Holcroft ; but the necessity of expatiating on 
 the redundancy of Mr. Godwin s merits is totally pre 
 cluded by the unbounded fame which his chaste productions 
 have at length acquired among the virtuous and respecta 
 ble classes in community. 
 
 10 5 They show us how to live for ever. 
 
 The learned Dr. Price, in his Tracts on Civil Liber- 
 ty, assures us that such sublime discoveries will be here 
 after made by men of science (meaning such as Dr. 
 Caustick) that it will be possible to cure the disease of 
 old age, give man a perpetual sublunary existence, and 
 Introduce the millenium, by natural causes. 
 
118 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 And iorm d, with horrid quakes t> assist him, 
 His new exploded solar system. Io6 
 
 106 His new exploded solar system. 
 
 " Through all the realms the kindling ether runs, 
 
 And the mass starts into a million suns ; 
 
 Earths rourid each sun with quick explosions burst, 
 
 And second planets issue from the first ; 
 
 Bend, as they journey with projectile force, 
 
 In bright ellipses their reluctant course ; 
 
 Orbs wheel in orbs, round centres centres roll, 
 
 And form, self-balanc d, one revolving whole. * 
 
 Botanick Garden, Canto i. 
 
 This sublime philosopher has been most atrociously 
 squibbed in the following performance, which I can assure 
 you, gentlemen, is not mine ; and, if I could me,et with 
 the author, I would teach him better than to bespatter my 
 favourite with the filth of his obloquy. 
 
 " Lines on a certain philosopher, who maintains that all 
 continents and islands were thrown from the sea by volca 
 noes ; and that all animal life originally sprang from the 
 exuviae of fishes. His family arms are three scallop shells, 
 and his motto " Omnia e Conchis." 
 
 " From atoms in confusion hurl d, 
 Old Epicurus built a world ; 
 Maintained that all was accidental, 
 Whether corporeal powers, or mental ; 
 That feet were not devis d for walking, 
 For eating teeth; nor tongues for talking ; 
 But CHANCE, the casual texture made, 
 And thus each member found its trade. 
 And in this hodge podge of stark nonsense. 
 He buried virtue, truth, and conscience 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 119 
 
 Though Volney, having in his 
 
 First peer d our continent through and through, 
 
 so? 
 
 Darwin al last resolves to list 
 
 Under this grand cosmogonist. 
 
 He too renounces his Creator, 
 
 And solves all sense from senseless matter ; 
 
 Makes men start up from dead fis h bones, 
 
 As oid Deucalion did from stones j 
 
 Forms mortals quick as eyes could twinkle, 
 
 From lobster, crab, and periwinkle 
 
 Oh Dcctor 1 Change thy foolish motto, 
 
 Or keep it for some lady s grotto : 
 
 Else thy poor patients well may quake, 
 
 If thou canst no more mend than make." 
 
 107 First peer d our continent through and through. 
 
 Citizen Volney made a very curious, simple, and con 
 venient division of the u Interiour Structure" of the United 
 States, from certain specimens of mineral substances, 
 collected by this industrious pedestrian in a tour of obser 
 vation through the United States. Notwithstanding the 
 immense extent of territory which has come under citi 
 zen Volney s cognizance, and the short time which he 
 did us the honour to reside and peregrinate among us, 
 we find that he was able to parcel our continent into different 
 interiour departments, with as much precision as Buona 
 parte shows in marking the different provinces of his 
 empire. He gives us " The granite region, the grit or 
 sand stone region, the calcareous or lime stone region," 
 
 Now this division is the more ingenious, because it 
 possesses no foundation in nature ; and therefore shows a 
 wonderful invention in its author. It happens, luckily 
 
120 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Left us a specimen of the quality 
 Of graduated French morality. Io8 
 
 for this fine theory, that granite is found in wonderful 
 abundance in the lime stone region, and that throughout 
 the continent, in defiance of Mr. Volney, we find that 
 nature has jumbled all his " regions" together. Na 
 ture, having made some confusion in this way, has the 
 more need of the assistance of modern philosophy to aid 
 her defective operations. 
 
 108 of graduated French morality. 
 
 This gentleman published in America a small pam 
 phlet entitled, The Law of Nature, or Principles of 
 Morality, deduced from the Physical Constitution of 
 Mankind and the Universe. In this he tells us, " It is 
 high time to prove that morality is a physical and geome 
 trical science, and as such susceptible, like the rest, of 
 calculation and mathematical demonstration." 
 
 My friend, doctor Timothy Triangle, is much such ano 
 ther philosopher ; but has surpassed the Frenchman in 
 the extent of his views, and made systems which were 
 entirely out of the reach of Mr. Volney s intellect. 
 Among others, was a scale of national character. By this 
 the latitude and longitude of a place being given, and a 
 sort of tare and tret allowance made for adventitious cir* 
 cumstances, he could ascertain the character of its inha 
 bitants. The latitude of Paris, he affirmed, was that of 
 perfectibility made perfect, and most lucidly manifested 
 in the person of the Liberty-loving emperour. Rise to 
 the equator, or recede to the pole from that parallel, and 
 human nature dwindles in arithmetical progression. 
 
 This gentleman was a great admirer of the principles of 
 the French revolution, and made out, mathematically, 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Though Priestley manufactur d souls, 
 For which we had him o er the coals, 
 
 how much blood, horrour, and devastation would be ne 
 cessary to give that predominance to France and French 
 principles, which would terminate in philosophy s mil 
 lennium. In fact, he dictated to philosopher Godwin the 
 idea so happily expressed in his Political Justice as fol 
 lows. 
 
 " Perhaps no important revolution was ever bloodless. 
 It may be useful in this place to recollect in what the 
 mischief of shedding blood consists. The abuses which 
 at present exist in all political societies are so enormous, 
 the oppressions which are exercised so intolerable, the 
 ignorance and vice they entail so dreadful, that possibly a 
 dispassionate inquirer might decide, that, if their anni 
 hilation could be purchased by an instant sweeping of 
 every human being now arrived at years of maturity, from 
 the face of the earth, the purchase would not be too dear. 
 It is not because human life is of so considerable value, 
 that we ought to recoil from the shedding of blood. Death 
 is in itself among the slightest of human evils. An earth 
 quake, which should swallow up a hundred thousand in 
 dividuals at once, would chiefly be to be regretted for the 
 anguish it entailed upon survivers ; in a fair estimate of 
 those it had destroyed, it would often be comparatively 
 a trivial event." 
 
 Dr. Triangle likewise made geometrical scales of morality, 
 which were not very essentially different from the princi 
 ples of Volney. These scales were adapted accurately to 
 the interest, feelings, passions, and prepossessions of the 
 persons for whom they were intended, and so elastick that 
 they would stretch to suit any case, and authorize any 
 action which could be conceived or perpetrated. 
 R 
 
122 MODERN PHILOSOPHER, 
 
 A thing we had forgot to mention 
 For making use of our invention. 
 
 Buffon, with other wonders done 
 A comet dash d athwart the sun, 
 And hitting off a flaming slice 
 Our earth created in a trice. 
 
 These wights, when taken altogether 
 Are but the shadow of a feather 
 Compared with Caustick, even as 
 A puff of hydrogenous gas. 
 
 Should you pronounce my systems lax 
 For want of some astringent facts 
 I ll knock you down, by my surprising 
 New method of philosophizing. 
 
 I first a fine new system form, 
 Which none can either sap or storm ; 
 Then, to support my favourite plan 
 I muster all the facts I can. 
 
 For, since somebody says or sings, 
 These facts are counted stubborn things, 
 From east, west, north and south I rake em, 
 And when not ready made I make them ! ! 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 123 
 
 Thus, for posterity s behoof, 
 We ve made our theories bullet proof: 
 Assailing us with ire red hot, 
 Is battering walls with pigeon shot. 
 
 But I, in spite of my renown, 
 Alas! am harass d, hunted down; 
 Completely damn d, the simple fact is, 
 By PERKINS S METALLICK PRACTICE ! 1 V 
 
 Our should-be wise and learn d societies 
 Are guilty of great improprieties, 
 In treating me in manner scandalous, 
 As if I were a very Vandal ; thus 
 
 Determin d, as I have no doubt, 
 
 My sun of genius to put out, 
 
 Which, once extinct, they think that so tis 
 
 Their glow-worm lights may claim some notice. 
 
 109 By PERKINS S METALLICK PRACTICE. 
 
 Here comes the HYDRA, which you Herculean gentle 
 men are requested to destroy ; but the means, by which 
 this great end is to be accomplished, will be fully pointed 
 out in the succeeding cantos. 
 
124 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Such hum-drum heads and hollow hearts 
 Pretend, forsooth, t encourage arts ! 
 But that pretence, in every sense is, 
 The flimsiest of all pretences. 
 
 Those noble spirited Mecenasses 
 To me have shown the greatest meannesses ; 
 Have granted me for these things said all 
 Not one half- penny, nor a medal ! ! ! 
 
CANTO II. 
 
 CONJURATIONS ! 
 
 ARGUMENT. 
 
 THE Bard proceeds like one that s striving 
 To practise An all s art of diving ; l 
 Presents sublime and strange narrations 
 Of wizards, ghosts, and conjurations ; 
 Next towers in Delia Cruscan style 
 Above old Homer half a mile ; 
 And flutters round in airy region, 
 Just like a wild goose or a pidgeon ; 
 Fir d with the theme of Haygarth s praises 
 Until his rapture fairly blazes : 
 Then in a duel shows more prowess, 
 Than Vandal that e er was, or now is. 
 
 BUT I m a man so meek and humble, 2 
 I don t allow myself to grumble 
 
 1 " Not so bold ANALL ; with a weight of skull 
 Furious he drives precipitately dull ; 
 Whirlpools and storms his circling arms invest, 
 With all the weight of gravitation blest." 
 
 Pope s Dunciady book iii. 
 
126 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Am loth your patience thus to batter, 
 Though starving is a serious matter ! J 
 
 Another reason too, may t please ye, 
 Why thus I dare presume to tease ye ; 
 If you my wrongs should not redress, 
 We all must be in one sad mess ! 4 
 
 a But I m a man so meek and humble. 
 
 If your worships have ever read the Eneid of one 
 Virgil (which though possible is not very probable, as 
 physicians in general rarely make themselves " mad," by 
 " too much learning") you will perceive a classical beauty 
 in the commencement of this canto, which would escape 
 the observation of the " ignoble -vulgus." As I wish, how 
 ever, that you might be able to relish some of the most 
 obvious beauties of this my most exquisite poetical pro 
 duction you will hire some schoolmaster to show you how 
 happily we have imitated the t; At regina gravi" of Vir 
 gil, and the " But now t observe romantick method" of 
 Butler. 
 
 3 Though starving is a serious matter ! 
 
 Many a worthy London alderman will most feelingly 
 sigh a dolorous response to this pathetick complaint. 
 
 4 We all must be in one sad mess. 
 
 The sound is here a most correct echo to the sense ; 
 like the 
 
 BJJ ^ axeav zrctpoc, S-tva 
 of HOMER ; the 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 127 
 
 The credit of our craft is waning, 
 Then rouse at this my sad complaining ; 
 For, though my fate now seem the rougher, 
 .Still you as well as / must suffer. 
 
 Behold! A rising INSTITUTION, 5 
 
 To spread Perkinean delusion ; 
 
 Supported by a set of sturdy men, 
 
 Dukes, quakers, doctors, lords, and clergymen! 
 
 Quadrupedante putrem sonitu quatit ungula campum, 
 of VIRGIL ; the 
 
 Many a lusty thwack and bang, 
 of BUTLER ; 
 
 And ten low words oft creep in one dull line, * 
 
 of POPE, See. Indeed, gentlemen, I shall almost be 
 tempted to pronounce that person a sorry sort of a simple 
 ton, who does not see, or seem to see, the lengthened 
 visage and hanging lip of our learned Esculapian Frater 
 nity, depicted with the phiz-hitting pencil of a Hogarth^ 
 in these eight beautiful and appropriate monosyllables. 
 
 5 Behold a rising INSTITUTION. 
 
 The builders of this second edition of the tower of Ba 
 bel must be confounded ; and that they will be, most cer 
 tainly, provided the measures herein after recommended, 
 be fully and manfully carried into effect. But as it may 
 be safest to reconnoitre somewhat before we begin the 
 attack we will introduce you into the midst of the ene 
 my s encampment in our additional note No. 2. 
 
128 MODERN PHILOSOPHER* 
 
 Unblushing at the knavish trick, 
 I fear these fellows soon will kick 
 (A thing of all things most uncivil) 
 One half our physick to the devil ! 
 
 And then, alas ! your worships may 
 Be forc d to moil the live long day, 
 With hammer, pickaxe, spade, or shovel, 
 And nightly tenant some old hovel. 
 
 Or, destitute of food and lodging, 
 Through dark and dirty lanes be dodging, 
 Unless t avoid such dismal lurkings, 
 You put a powerful paw on PERKINS. 
 
 Behold what ought to raise your spleen high, 
 Perkins supposed by Aldini ! 6 
 
 6 Perkins supported by Aldini I 
 
 These two wonder-working wizards are said to effect 
 their necromantick manoeuvres by the application of similar 
 principles to the animal machine. But the latter does not 
 in so great a degree, infringe on our privileges, for he 
 begins where we leave off; that is, after the patient is dead; 
 whereas Perkins, by his pretended easy and expeditious 
 mode of curing those who ought to depend solely on 
 " death and the doctor," is a more formidable foe to our 
 profession. See additional note, No. 3. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 129 
 
 It must have been most sad, foul weather, 
 From Italy to blow him hither* 
 
 My wrath, indeed, is now so keen, I 
 Ev n wish, for sake of that Aldini, 
 This ink were poison for the wizard, 
 This pen a dagger in his gizzard ! 
 
 For he ( tis told in publick papers) 
 Can make dead people cut droll capers ; 
 And shuffling off death s iron trammels, 
 To kick and hop like dancing camels. 
 
 To raise a dead dog he was able, 7 
 Though laid in quarters on a table, 
 
 7 To raise a dead dog he was able. 
 
 " Dr. Aldini, now in London, lately exhibited, at the 
 house of Mr. Hunter, some curious experiments on the 
 body of a dog newly killed, by which the company then 
 present were exceedingly astonished at the powers of 
 Galvanism. The head of the animal was cut off. The 
 head and the body were put beside each other on a table, 
 previously rubbed with a solution of Ammonia. Two 
 wires, communicating with the Galvanick trough, were 
 then applied, the one in the ear, the other at the anus of 
 the dead animal. No sooner had those applications been 
 made than both head and body were thrown into the most 
 animated muscular motions. The body started rip wifh 
 
 S 
 
130 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 And led him yelping, round the town, 
 With two legs up, and two legs down ; 8 
 
 And, in the presence of a posse 
 
 Of our great men, and ANDREOSSI, 
 
 He show d black art of worse description, 
 
 Than e er did conjuring Egyptian. 
 
 He cut a bullock s head, I ween, 
 Sheer off, as if by guillotine ; 
 
 a movement, by which it passed over the side of the ta 
 ble. The head equally moved, its lips and teeth grinning 
 most violently I" Vide the Morning Post of January 6th, 
 1803. 
 
 8 With two legs up, and two legs down. 
 
 Your worships will perceive that I have detailed some 
 particulars relative to this famous experiment, which were 
 omitted in the above statement from the Morning Post. 
 But should any gentleman among you presume to intimate 
 that I have stated one syllable which is not strictly and 
 literally true, I shall embrace the fashionable mode of re 
 senting the affront. I have two pistols in my garret. 
 Let him who dares dispute Dr. Caustick take his choice* 
 Then, unless 
 
 " Pallas should come, in shape of rust, 
 And twixt the lock and hammer thrust 
 Her Gorgon shield, and make the cock 
 Stand stiff as twere transformed to stock," 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 131 
 
 Then (Satan aiding the adventure) 
 He made it bellow like a Stentor ! 9 
 
 And this most comical magician 
 Will soon, in publick exhibition, 
 Perform a feat he s often boasted, 
 And animate a dead pig roasted. 
 
 With powers of these Metallick Tractors, 
 He can revive dead malefactors ; 
 
 I will make it apparent that I am a man of honour, as 
 .well as veracity. 
 
 9 He made it bellow like a Stentor ! 
 
 " Some curious Galvanick experiments were made on 
 Friday last, by professor Aldini, in doctor Pearson s lec 
 ture room. They were instituted in the presence of his 
 excellency, the ambassadour of France, general Andreossi, 
 lord Pelham, the duke of Roxburgh, lord Castlereagh, 
 lord Hervey, the hon. Mr. Upton, Sec. The head of an 
 ox, recently decapitated, exhibited astonishing effects ; for 
 the tongue being drawn out by a hook fixed into it, on 
 applying the exciters, in spite of the strength of the as 
 sistant, was retracted, so as to detach itself, by tearing 
 itself from the hook ; at the same time, a loud noise issued 
 from the mouth, attended by violent contortions of the 
 whole head and eyes." See Morning Post of February 
 16th, 1803. 
 
132 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 And is reanimating daily, 
 
 Rogues that were hung once, at Old Bailey I 
 
 And sure I am he ll break the peace, 
 Unless secur d by our police ; 
 
 10 Rogues that were hung once, at Old Bailey! 
 
 " The body of Forster, who was executed on Monday 
 last, for murder, was conveyed to a house not far distant, 
 where it was subjected to the Galvanic k process, by pro 
 fessor Aldini, under the inspection of Mr. Keate, Mr. Car- 
 pue and several other professional gentlemen. M. Aldini, 
 who is the nephew of the discoverer of this most interest 
 ing science, showed the eminent and superiour powers of 
 Galvanism to be far beyond any other stimulant in nature. 
 On the first application of the process to the face, the 
 jaw of the deceased criminal began to quiver ; and the 
 adjoining muscles were horribly contorted, and one eye 
 was actually opened. In the subsequent part of the pro 
 cess, the right hand was raised and CLENCHED, and the 
 legs and thighs were set in motion. 
 
 " It appeared to the uninformed part of the by-standers, 
 as if the wretched man was on the eve of being restored 
 to life. This, however, was impossible ; as several of his 
 friends, who were near the scaffold, had violently pulled 
 his legs, in order to put a more speedy termination to his 
 sufferings.* Vide the Morning Post of January 22, 1803 
 
 It is to hoped, in case this Mr. Professor undertakes 
 any future operations of this nature, that some more 
 cholerick dead man will not only clench his fist like Fors 
 ter, but convince him, by dint of fiugilistick demonstration ) 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 133 
 
 For such a chap, as you re alive, 
 Full many a felon will revive. 
 
 And as he can (no doubt of that) 
 Give rogues the nine lives of a cat ; 
 Why then, to expiate their crimes, 
 These rogues must all be hung nine times. 
 
 What more enhances this offence is, 
 Twill ninefold governments s expenses; 
 And such a load, in name of wonder, 
 Pray how can JOHNNY BULL stand under? 
 
 Then why not rise, and make a clatter, 
 And put a stop to all this matter 
 Why dont you rouse, I say, in season, 
 And cut the wicked wizard s weasand ? 
 
 For, gentlemen, the devil s to pay, 
 That you forsake the good old way, 
 And tread a path so very odd, 
 So unlike that your fathers trod. 
 
 that he is not to disturb with impunity those who ought 
 to be at u rest from their labours" 
 
134 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 With what delight the poet fancies 
 
 He sees their worships plague old FRANCIS ; ". 
 
 11 He sees their worships plague old FRANCIS. 
 
 Dr. FRANCIS ANTHONY. The author of the Biografihia 
 Britannica relates a pitiful tale respecting the persecutions 
 suffered by this obstinate old schismatick. " He was, * 
 says that writer, u a very learned physician and chymist* 
 the son of an eminent goldsmith in London. Was born 
 April 16th, 1550. In 1569 he was sent to the university 
 of Cambridge ; in 1574 took the degree of A. M. Sec. &c. 
 He began soon after his arrival (in London) to publish to the 
 world the effects of his chymical studies. But not having 
 taken the necessary precaution of addressing himself to the 
 College of Physicians for their license, he fell under their 
 displeasure ; and being some time in the year 1600 sum 
 moned before the president and censors, he confessed that 
 he had practised physick in London for six months, and 
 had cured twenty persons or more of several diseases" [A 
 most atrocious crime ! I trust very few if any of your 
 worships would be justified in confessing or pleading guilty 
 to a similar indictment.] " About one month after, he was 
 committed to the Counter prison, and fined in the sum 
 of five pounds firofiter illicitam jiraxim that is, for pre 
 scribing against the statutes of the college ; but upon his 
 application to the chief justice, he was set at liberty, 
 which gave so great an umbrage, that the president and 
 one of the censors waited on the chief justice, to request 
 his favour in preserving the college privileges : upon which 
 Anthony submitted, and promised to pay his fine, and 
 was forbidden practice. He was soon after accused 
 again for practising physick, and upon his own confession 
 was fined another five pounds, which fine, on his refusing 
 to pay, was increased to twenty pounds, and he was sen 
 tenced to be committed to prison till he had paid it. Nor 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 135 
 
 While he, sad wight, woe-worn and pale, 
 Is dragg d about from jail to jail ! 
 
 For he was such a stubborn dragon, 
 He would not down and worship Dagon ; 
 That is to say, would not acknowledge 
 Supremacy of your great college ! 
 
 And what was worse, if worse could be, 
 And rais d their ire to such degree, 
 That they to Tyburn swore they d cart him ; 
 He cur^d folks " non secundum artem." 
 
 was the college satisfied with this, but commenced a 
 suit at law against him, in the name of the queen and col 
 lege, in which they prevailed, and had judgment against 
 him It appears that the learned society thought him ig 
 norant ; but there were others of a different opinion, since, 
 after all these censures, and being tossed about from pri 
 son to prison, he became doctor of physick in our own. 
 universities ! J> 
 
 This is the substance of the proceedings of our ances 
 tors against, the arch-heretick ; from which we learn the 
 absolute necessity of a still more rigorous prosecution of 
 those disturbers of society, who have the impudence to 
 cure their patients without YOUR LICENSE. Had this old 
 fellow been hung, or " burnt off," as he deserved, the bu 
 siness would have been finished at once, and none would 
 afterwards have dared ever to call in question your supre 
 macy I 
 
136 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 His patients satfd, from mere compassion. 
 Though killing was the most in fashion ! 
 Then well your fathers ire might burn as 
 Hot as the fam d Chaldean furnace ! 
 
 Thus, when the heretick Waldenses, 
 With their co-working Albigenses, 
 Found what they thought they might rely on, 
 A nearer way to go to Zion, 
 
 Those saints who trod the beaten path, 
 Were fill d so full of godly wrath, 
 They burnt them off, nor thought it cruel, 
 As one would burn a load of fuel ! 
 
 These things I note, to bring to view 
 Some noble precedents for you : 
 The chapter needs not any comment ; 
 Then pray don t hesitate a moment. 
 
 But, hark ! what means that moaning sound ! 
 That thunder rumbling under ground ! 
 What mean those blue sulphureous flashes, 
 That make us all turn pale as ashes ! 
 
 Why in the air this dreadful drumming, 
 As though the devil himself were coming, 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 137 
 
 Provok d by magical impostors, 
 To carry off a doctor Faustus ! 
 
 Why scream the bats ! why hoot the owls ! 
 While Darwin s midnight bull-dog howls ! " 
 Say, what portends this mighty rumpus, 
 To fright our senses out of compass ! 
 
 Tis Radcliffe s sullen sprite now rising, !2 
 To warn you by a sight surprising, 
 
 1 * Why scream the bats ! why hoot the owls 1 
 While Darwin s midnight bull-dog howls ! 
 
 A delectable imitation of Dr. Darwin s delightful 
 of lines 
 
 " Shrill scream the famish d bats and shivering owls, 
 And long and loud the dog of midnight howls* 
 
 To prevent any ftost obit disputes among those, who may- 
 hereafter write comments on this sublime passage, I have 
 thought it advisable to designate the species of the dog which 
 howls so horribly on this great occasion. 
 
 12 Tis Radcliffe s sullen sprite now rising. 
 This shows Pluto to be a god of correct calculation* 
 
 Had he sent one of your water-gruel ghosts, it is a 
 thousand to one if your worships would have paid the least 
 deference to the mandates of his sooty highness, 
 
 T 
 
138 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 More solemn than a curtain lecture, 
 Or Monk-y Lewis Spanish Spectre ! I3 
 
 Now, in a sort of moody mutter, 
 These awful sounds I hear him utter, 
 Which make my heart to beat and thwack it, 
 And burst the buttons off my jacket ! 
 
 " Tis not from motives of endearment 
 That I have burst my marble cearment ; 
 
 13 Or Monk-y Lewis Spanish Spectre ! 
 
 I would have no impudent slanderer insinuate that 1 
 mean to bestow on the right honourable M. G. Lewis, M. P. 
 any opprobrious epithet. No, gentlemen, I did not say 
 monkey. The term which I use is an adjective, legally 
 coined from the substantive MONK ; and I affix it to this 
 gentleman s name as an honorary appellation, to which he 
 is entitled for having written that celebrated romance called 
 THE MONK. As to the Sfianish Sfiectre, you will please 
 to consult the romance aforesaid, and you will find a most 
 horrible ballad, by which it appears that a certain miss 
 Imogene was carried off on her bridal night, if I mistake 
 not, by the ghost of one Don Alonzo, to whom she had 
 been betrothed, but proved false hearted. I would, how 
 ever, caution against reading this doleful ditty by candle 
 light, lest the story of 
 
 " The worms they crept in, and the worms they crept 
 
 out, 
 And they sported his eyes and his temples about," 
 
 might sport with the senses of the more timid reader. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 139 
 
 No ; I m from Hades, in a hurry, 
 
 To make above ground one d d flurry ! 15 
 
 " Arm d, as the dread occasion urges, 
 With Ate^s borrow d snakes and scourges, 
 I come to rouse ye into action, 
 To crush the Perkinising faction. 
 
 " I tell you these detested tractors 
 The worst of Satan s manufactures, 
 Will set themselves to supersede us 
 Will even blister, cup, and bleed us ; 
 
 " And they ll be us d as diureticks, 
 Catharticks, anodynes, emeticks, 
 
 J 5 To make above ground one d d flurry! 
 
 I earnestly request that the learned college will not do me 
 the injustice to suppose that a man of my delicacy and refined 
 feelings would myself utter any phrase like the above, which 
 has so much the semblance of profanity. But as this 
 personage, before he passed that fatal " bourne" (from 
 which one " traveller" has " returned") had ever been ac 
 customed, like most of our profession, to rhetorical 
 flourishes of this kind, it must be expected that, on such 
 an important occasion, he would express himself with all 
 his wonted energy ; and my veracity as a historian 
 obliges me to give -verbatim the speech which the sprite 
 did in fact deliver. 
 
140 MODERN PHILOSOPHER* 
 
 And will begin, before they re done 
 To tap for dropsy, cut for stone. 
 
 " The self-same metal, it is said, 
 With friar Bacon s brazen head, 
 Each point s a d sh deal worse thing 
 Than Goodman Gyges brazen ring. 
 
 " And they will mend a wooden leg 
 Much better than a walnut peg, 
 Will make a rogue a pair of ears 
 Who s had them clipp d by Justice s shears. 
 
 " Make Hydra heads spring up, I ween 
 For people shav d by guillotine ; 
 Thus force our freedom loving neighbours 
 To recommence their humane labours, 
 
 " Why stand ye now, with stupid stare, 
 Hen-hearted cowards, as you are ? 
 Arise ! and quickly gird your might on, 
 And into battle then rush right on ! 
 
 " Go ! teach Perkineans their errours, 
 In tampering with the king of terrours ! 
 Go ! teach the varlets to defy 
 Our great and terrible ally ! 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 141 
 
 " Don t say to me, you stupid dunces, 
 That you re not fond of broken sconces ; 
 Don t say to me, you ve no delight in 
 The dreadful, awful, trade of fighting. 
 
 " For you might chace them many a mile, and 
 E en bid them, scampering, quit our island, 
 And still your carcases be strangers 
 To troublous toils, and desperate dangers. 
 
 " Appear in field, the battle s won ; 
 Your phizzes show L d how they ll run ! 
 But you re like sheep, a sort of cattle, 
 That one can t well drive into battle. 
 
 " O could I but affairs contrive 
 To be for one half hour alive, 
 What thunder-bolts of indignation 
 I d hurl at imps of Tractoration ! 
 
 " I ll batter ye with Pluto s bludgeon, 
 Unless to battle you now budge on, 
 And make more bluster with your train, 
 Than devils in a hurricane ! 
 
 " I ll drive ye down" but dawning day 
 Bids bullying phantom hie away ; 
 
142 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 While horrour makes each hair stand stedfast. 
 Like quill of hedgehog in our head fast ! 
 
 So stood the PREMIER of your nation, 
 When ROB SON bawl d out " DEFALCATION ! 
 Government s robb d by wicked men, 
 And cannot pay NINETEEN POUNDS TEN"!!! 16 
 
 So petrified stood bull and bear, 
 Of Stock Exchange, when the lord mayor, 
 With vile chagrin and terrour quaking, 
 Found Hawkesbury s letter all a take-in. 17 
 
 16 And cannot pay NINETEEN POUNDS TEN" !! ! 
 
 The terrible shock given not only to Mr. Addington, but 
 to the credit of the British nation, by this famous sally of 
 that teasing, testy, querulous, alarming, honourable, ci- 
 devant member of the house of commons, is undoubtedly 
 fresh in the recollection of every person, who has the least 
 smattering in parliamentary debates : and every true pa 
 triot and friend to the Peace of our prime minister, 
 
 will congratulate the country on the failure of Mr Robson s 
 election, as well as that of his co-operator, Mr. Jones, 
 into the new parliament. 
 
 17 Found Hawkesbury s letter all a take-in. 
 
 Now I know the man who cobbled up the famous hum 
 bug peace with France, which, in my opinion, was a ma 
 noeuvre that did honour to its inventer. He tenants a 
 garret adjacent to mine. But Dr. Caustick is an honoura 
 ble man, and twice the 5000 offered by the stock ex- 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 143 
 
 And thus our emperour stood staring, 
 When Callender for aye forbearing, 
 At length bewray d a queer connexion 
 In matters of a dark complexion. l8 
 
 Now should you slight the dire monition 
 Of this ill boding apparition, 
 You truly will be well deserving 
 The dreadful destiny of starving ! 
 
 O then, dread sirs, brimful of rage, 
 War ! horrid war ! is yours to wage, 
 To extirpate the deadly schism, 
 The heresy of Perkinism ! 
 
 Pursue the steps that learned sage hathj 
 The most redoubted doctor HAYGARTH, 
 
 change, with the 500 by the lord mayor, for his appre 
 hension, would not tempt him to expose the neck of his 
 friend to the noose of justice. This I premise, that the 
 Bow-street officers may not misapply their time and talents 
 in any futile attempts to wheedle or extort the secret. 
 
 18 In matters of a dark complexion. 
 
 Here we are again quite out of the reach of your wor 
 ships. Seven years of most violent application to the 
 cabalistical arts would not make you able to form even 
 a distant idea of the meaning of this last line. 
 
144 MODERN PHILOSOPHER, 
 
 Who erst o er Perkins sconce at Bath, 
 Broke a whole gaily pot of wrath ! lp 
 
 16 Broke a whole gallypot of wrath ! 
 
 I beseech you, gentlemen, to suspend your impatience 
 relative to this wonderful achievement, till you have soared 
 through a few stanzas. In the mean time, however, I 
 wish that this my favourite hero, and burthen of my song, 
 should stand high with your worships, and be the object of 
 the humble admiration, not only of your honourable body, 
 but of mankind in general ; and I myself shall take the 
 liberty to trample on all those, who dare call in ques 
 tion his infallibility. I have a knowledge of but few who 
 more deserve to be trodden upon on this occasion than the 
 conductors of certain foreign literary journals, who, not 
 aware of the inconceivable services which Dr. H. has 
 rendered the medical host by his ardent zeal against their 
 common enemy, Perkinism, have expressed their senti 
 ments of him, and his works, with that indifference, which 
 must have arisen from their want of knowledge of his 
 achievements. 
 
 Among the most prominent of this junto should be 
 mentioned the Medical Refiository^ at New-York, conducted 
 by professors Mitchell and Miller, of that place, the for 
 mer of whom I understand is a representative in the Con 
 gress of the United States, an eminent physician, and the 
 celebrated author of what is usually termed the " Mitchel- 
 lian Theory of Contagion," alterations in the French Chy- 
 mical Nomenclature, &c. The latter, I am told, is like 
 wise a physician of great respectability. 
 
 Now that two such characters should presume to repre 
 sent Dr. H. as a man, whose " vanity is more conspicu 
 ous than his ability," is a circumstance which, while it 
 excites my surprise, rouses my resentment. However, to 
 accomplish their disgrace and his renown, I shall concisely 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 145 
 
 Oh ! could I sing Haygarth s chef d ceuvre, 
 That mighty magical manoeuvre, 
 
 state his magnanimous conduct to them, and their ungra 
 cious return. 
 
 Dr. H. in great condescension to the poor wretches of 
 the United States, who, through the ignorance and inex 
 perience of their medical practitioners, were likely to be 
 extirpated by the yellow fever, addressed them in an affec 
 tionate letter, and proclaimed the barbarity and unskilful- 
 ness of their physicians, in a very appropriate and be 
 coming manner. He even kindly apprized the Academy 
 of Medicine, at Philadelphia, that their proceedings and 
 reasonings on the disease among them were " frivolous, 
 inadequate, and groundless," and communicated many 
 other facts equally useful and important. 
 
 Now, whether his statements were true or false, those 
 foreigners ought to have been grateful to Dr. H. for ho 
 nouring them with the information. But, on the contrary, 
 they say that " a poison, which, in the city of New-York, 
 has destroyed, within three months, the lives of more 
 than twenty practitioners of medicine, well deserves to be 
 traced and understood by the survivers." They even 
 have the audacity to assert, that " American physicians 
 and philosophers, who have viewed the rise and progress of 
 pestilence, walked amidst it by day and by night, year 
 after year, and endured its violence on their own persons, 
 almost to the extinction of their lives," ought to be as 
 competent judges of the cause and cure of the disease as 
 Dr. Haygarth, who has never seen a case of it. 
 
 After entering into a copious (about 20 pages) and 
 what they seem to think a learned investigation of my 
 
146 MODERN PHILOSOPHERv 
 
 That feat, than which, you ll own, if candid. 
 None greater ever mortal ma a did I 
 
 But ere I " sweep the sounding lyre," 
 Or tune Apollo s fiddle higher, 
 I ll steal (although it cost a halter) 
 A brand from Delia Crusca s altar. 
 
 great friend s theory and sentiments, they have dared to 
 refute his reasoning, and turn it to ridicule. 
 
 These presumptuous writers finally close their unrea 
 sonable account of Dr. Haygarth in quotations from Dr. 
 Caldwell, who, it appears, is a fellow of the college of 
 physicians of Philadelphia, and a very ungentleman-like 
 fellow too,, for he has also had the rashness to descant on 
 some of the works of Dr. Haygarth in terms following. 
 
 " Perhaps he (Dr. Haygarth) may found the boldness 
 of his pretensions as an author on the maturity of his 
 years. Many writers less youthful are more modest ; and 
 it is to be lamented that grey hairs give no infallible earnest 
 of either wisdom or liberality. We will not positively 
 assert that he is not a man of profound erudition ; but we 
 have no reason whatever to convince us that he is. Per 
 haps he may pride himself on being a native of the same 
 country which produced a Harvey, a Sydenham, a Cullen, 
 and a Hunter. We entreat him to remember, that weeds 
 may infest the same ground which has been overshadowed 
 by the lordly adansonia, and that the same clime gives 
 birth to the lion and the jackal." Medical Repository, vol. 
 v. p. 333. Oh, fie ! fie ! 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 147 
 
 " O THOU !" who soar dst to heights sublimer 
 
 Than e er before attain d by rhymer, 
 
 Till even my good friend Apollo 
 
 At distance gaz d, but dar d not follow, 
 
 " GENIUS, or MUSE," who had st propensity 
 To seem to strive to stretch immensity, 
 Whose " airy lays," quoth Bell s fraternity, 
 Would last through more than one eternity, 
 
 (Although it seems, the deuce is in t, 
 Those very lays are out of print, 
 A proof this age does not inherit 
 One ounce of true poetick spirit) 
 
 O come, and bring (delightful things) 
 A pair of Delia Cruscan wings, 
 That we, by sublimated flight, 
 
 May " STEM THE CATARACT OF LIGHT." 
 
 Then condescend to be my crony, 
 And guide my wild Parnassian pony, 
 Till our aerial cutter runs 20 
 Athwart " A WILDERNESS OF SUNS I" 2 - 1 
 
 2 Till our aerial cutter runs. 
 My mode of commencing an airy tour, mounted, Muse 
 
148 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 But Gifford comes, with why and wherefore; * a 
 And what the devil are you there for ? 
 
 and Co. on a poetical fiony^ which by the way is meta 
 morphosed into a cutter, may, perhaps, be objected to by 
 your fastidious criticks, as a liberty even beyond a poet*s 
 licentiousness. But there is nothing which we men of 
 genius more thoroughly detest than any attempt to fetter 
 our faculties with the frigid rules of criticism. Besides, 
 sense or nonsense, poetry or gingling, it is perfectly Delia 
 Cruse an. 
 
 21 " WILDERNESS OF SUNS !" 
 
 This " proud" passage, together with " O THOU !"- 
 "GENIUS or MUSE!" and <* CATARACT OF LIGHT!"- 
 are the legitimate offspring of that prince of poets> who 
 rose to such a towering fiitch of poetry, 
 
 " That oft Hibernian op ticks bright 
 Beheld him fairly out of sight !" 
 
 I should have been happy to have fascinated your worships 
 with further specimens of the same sort of sublimity, 
 could I have retained them in memory. I have been so 
 solicitous for your gratification in this particular, that I 
 have made a painful, though bootless search, throughout 
 the metropolis and its suburbs, for these more than sybiline 
 oracles. Indeed I have reason to fear that all Delia Crus- 
 ca s effusions, are irretrievably lost, except the few frag 
 ments which I have here pickled for the behoof of posterity. 
 
 22 But Gifford comes, with why and wherefore. 
 
 The admirers of your polite poetry can never sufficiently 
 anathematize the author of the Baviad and M&viad for 
 extirpating, root and branch, a species of sentimental ditty, 
 which might be scribbled, without the trouble of " sense 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 149 
 
 Then tells a tale about the town, 
 Contriv d to lessen our renown. 
 
 Says, if we rise but one inch higher, 
 We set our hat and wig on fire; 
 And that he ll bet us ten to one 
 We shall be scorch d like Phaeton. 
 
 Then I and Clio, as the case is, 
 Must now resume our former places ; 
 But still, to keep up our renown, 
 We ride a " garish sun-beam" down ! 
 
 to pose ;" an object certainly of no small consequence 
 with your bon ton readers and writers of rhyme. How 
 could a sentimental ensign or love-lorn lieutenant be better 
 employed than in sobbing over " Laura s tinkling trash," 
 or weeping in concert with the " mad jangle of Matilda s 
 lyre ?" Besides, there ought to be <whifified syllabub adap 
 ted to the palates of those who cannot relish " Burns 
 pure healthful nurture " Mr. Gifford should be sensible, 
 that reducing fioetry to the standard of common sense is 
 clipping the wings of genius. For example ; there is no 
 describing what sublime and Delia Cruscan-like capers 
 I should myself have been cutting in this " Wilderness of 
 suns ;" for I was about to prepare a nosegay of comets, 
 and string the spheres like beads for a lady s necklace ; 
 but was not a little apprehensive lest Mr. G. or some other 
 malignant critick should persuade the publick, that my 
 effusions of fancy were little better than the rant of a bed 
 lamite. 
 
150 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 And now once more, in humble station, 
 We ll jog along in plain narration ; 
 And tollutate o er turnpike path, 2J 
 To view the conjuring crew at Bath. 
 
 Behold! great Hay garth and his corps 24 
 Of necromancers, just a score, 
 
 2 3 And tollutate o er turnpike path. " 
 
 They rode, but authors having not 
 Determin d whether pace or trot, 
 That is to say, whether tollutation, 
 As they do term t, or succussation. 
 
 HUDIBRAS, Canto ii. 
 
 2 4 Behold ! great Haygarth and his corps- 
 
 I here wish to give a concise sketch of the doctor s ne- 
 eromantick process, so well calculated to give the tractors 
 the kick out of Bath and Bristol, where they were rapidly 
 making the most sacrilegious encroachments on the un 
 polluted shrine of our profession. I would recommend 
 similar proceedings to every member of the college, and 
 every worthy brother who is truly anxious to preserve the 
 dignity and honour of the professional character. But would 
 premise, that, when the like experiments are made, which, 
 I trust, will be very generally by the whole profession, I 
 would particularly recommend that the doctor s prudence, 
 in not admitting any of the friends of the tractors at the 
 scene of action, should be strictly imitated ; and also his 
 discretion in choosing, as subjects for the experiment, the 
 ignorant and miserable paupers of an infirmary, whose cre 
 dulity will assist very much in operations of this sort. I 
 also enjoin them to bear in mind his hint-, " That if any 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER 
 
 Enter the drear abodes of pain, 
 Like death of old and horrid train ! 
 
 person would repeat the experiment with wooden tractors, 
 it should be done with due solemnity ; during the process, 
 the wonderful cures said to be performed by the tractors, 
 should be particularly related. Without these indisfiensa- 
 ble aids, other trials will not prove so successful as those 
 which are here reported/ Hay garth s book, page 4. 
 
 It can scarcely be necessary for me to hint to my discreet 
 brethren, in addition, that should they try the real tractors 
 afterwards (which, however, I rather advise them not to 
 do at all) the whole of these aids of the mind are to be as 
 strictly avoided. I had like to have forgotten to say, that 
 the means used in the instance which follows, to increase 
 the solemnity of the scene, were a capital display of wigs, 
 canes, stop-watches ; and a still more solemn and terrifick 
 spectacle, about a score of the brethren. The very com 
 mencement serves to show how " necessary" was all this 
 display to ensure the success of these wooden tractors. 
 
 " It was often necessary to play the part of a necromancer , 
 to describe circles, squares, triangles, and half the figures 
 in geometry, on the parts affected, with the small end of 
 the (wooden) tractors. During all this time we conversed 
 upon the discoveries of Franklin and Galvani, laying great 
 stress on the power of metallick points attracting lightning, 
 and conveying it to the earth harmless. To a more cu 
 rious farce I was never witness. We were almost afraid 
 to look each other in the face, lest an involuntary smile 
 should remove the mask from our countenances, and dis 
 pel the charm. * Haygarth s book, page 16. 
 
 A very ingenious friend of Dr. H. and the glorious 
 cause in which he is engaged, has conceived an improve 
 ment on this process, While the above operation is going 
 
152 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 He comes ! he comes ! good heaven defend us I 
 With magick rites, and things tremendous ! 
 
 on, surely, the adroit necromancer would handle his virgula 
 di-vinitoria with far greater effect, and himself appear 
 much more in character, by using a suitable incantation. 
 The following has therefore been proposed for the general 
 use of the profession. 
 
 Hocus ! pocus ! up and down ! 
 Draw the white right from the crown ! 
 Hocus ! pocus ! at a loss ! 
 Draw the brazen rod across I 
 Hocus ! pocus ! down and up ! 
 Draw them both from foot to top ! 
 
 Lest you should not have sufficient ingenuity to com/ire- 
 fiend the object of Dr. Haygarth, in producing these opera 
 tions on the minds of those paupers, by the aid of such 
 means as he employed, I must try to explain it. It was 
 to induce an inference on the part of the publick* that if, 
 by any means whatsoever, effects can be produced on the 
 mind of a poor bedridden patient, whether such effect be 
 favourable or unfavourable (as the latter was often the case 
 in Haygarth s experiments) ergo, Perkins s tractors cure 
 diseases by acting on the mind also, whether on a human 
 or brute subject. Should any person be so uncivil and 
 unreasonable as to start the objection to this logick, that 
 with the same propriety all medicines might also be sup 
 posed to produce their effects by an action on the mind, 
 I particularly advise (provided such person be a noted 
 coward) that you challenge him or her to a duel : but if, 
 on the contrary, he or she be a terrible Mac Namara-like 
 fellow, modestly reply that it was all a joke, and you hope 
 there was no offence. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 153 
 
 With such as serv d the witch of Endor 
 To make the powers of hell surrender ! 
 
 Now draws full many a magick circle j 
 
 Now stamps, and foams, and swears mehSrc le. 5 
 
 As old Canidia us d to mutter once, 
 
 Just as her demon gave her utterance ! 
 
 Now tells each trembling bed-rid zany 
 Terrifick tales of one Galvani ; 
 How Franklin kept, to make folks wonder, 
 A warehouse full of bottled thunder ! 
 
 Thus Shakspeare s Macbeth s wicked witches 
 
 ven carry d matters to such pitches, 
 
 In hoity-toity midnight revel, 
 
 The old hags almost rais d the devil ! 
 
 And now our tragi-comick actors 
 Torment a pair of wooden tractors j 
 All which, with many things they more did. 
 In Haygarth s book you ll find recorded. 
 
 Since doctor Hay garth, as we ve stated, 
 These points pernicious has prostrated, 
 
 
154 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Our college ought to canonize him ; 
 Instead of that the rogues despise him. 
 
 And there s a certain doctor Caldwell 
 May calculate on being maul d well, 
 Unless, since he s presum d to flout him, 
 He unsays all he s said about him. 
 
 What right could he have to berate his 
 Opinions, which were given gratis, 
 Or state a plausible objection 
 Against his doctrine of infection ? 
 
 O man of mineral putrefaction, * 5 
 In spite of imps of fell detraction, 
 
 2 5 O man of mineral putrefaction. 
 
 In the famous address to which we have before referred, 
 we find a most remarkable discovery of the hero of our 
 tale, relative to the origin of " stench" which alone would 
 entitle our doctor to be numbered amongst the most pro 
 found of all philosophers, and which we shall give the 
 world in his own words. 
 
 " It is too obvious to escape notice, that the stench 
 arising from the hold of a ship proceeds from the putre 
 faction of substances which belong to all the three king 
 doms of nature, vegetable, animal, and mineral ! /" 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 We greet thee on our bended knees 
 Great Britain s great Hippocrates. 
 
 But if Haygarthian rites infernal 
 Sould fail our foes to overturn all, 
 Seek ways and means to lay them level, 
 Without one conjuror, witch, or devil. 
 
 If you can find some one among 
 You, who don t value being hung, 
 Perhaps the readiest mode would be 
 To kill the conjuring patentee. 
 
 But still I have some hesitation 
 To recommend assassination ; 
 Although I m sure t would not be cruel, 
 To pop off Perkins in a DUEL. 
 
 For this you ve precedents quite ample, 
 Full many a glorious example, 
 From Goths and Vandals, out of temper, or 
 A certain crazy Russian emperour. 26 
 
 26 A certain crazy Russian emperour. 
 
 Czar Paul, emperour of all the Russias, &c. who had 
 a very benevolent desire to settle the disputes, which agi 
 tated Europe, by virtue of tilt and tournament, among 
 
156 MODERN PHILOSOPHER,. 
 
 For if the conjuror were shot dead, 
 By some rude harum-scarum hot-head ; 
 Then might we quickly crush the flummery 
 Of tract ring mischief-making mummery. 
 
 Perkins destroyed, the INSTITUTION 
 Will be o erwhelm d in dire confusion; 
 And we shall easily be able 
 To overturn this modern Babel. 
 
 So, if a wolf shoyld silent creep 
 T attack by night a flock of sheep, 
 He d not attempt the whole together, 
 But first invade the old bell-wether. 27 
 
 those potentates, whose quarrelsome dispositions so often 
 set their subjects by the ears. 
 
 2 ? But firt invade the old bell-wether. 
 
 This sublime simile, gentlemen, will meet the unequivo 
 cal approbation of those who are acquainted with the 
 rustick manners and natural history of Kamtschatka. The 
 leading wether of a flock of sheep is ever invested with a 
 bell, pendent from his neck by a collar, not only as an ho 
 norary badge of distinction, but for the purpose of alarm 
 ing the shepherd, in case of invasion by any of the mer 
 ciless tenants of the forest. The wolf always makes it 
 his first object to silence this jingler, that he may with 
 the greater impunity destroy his fleecy companions. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 157 
 
 Let not the thought of Jack Ketch scare ye, 
 But at him like brave Mac Namara, 
 Avenge our wrongs in mode as summary 
 As he adopted with Montgomery. 
 
 For if said Mac be crown d with laurel, 
 Who kill d a colonel in a quarrel 
 About two dogs, between two puppies, 
 Most mighty sirs, my trust and hope is, 
 
 That nobody will think it is hard 
 For us to shoot a conjuring wizard^ 
 Since all allow, sans hesitation, 
 That we ve receiv d vast provocation. 
 
 And if our champion s full of fury, 
 When he kills Perkins, then the jury 
 (Provided they are made to fit him) 
 Will most assuredly acquit him. 28 
 
 28 Will most assuredly acquit him. 
 
 Why not, as well as acquit capt. Mac, who evaded all 
 harm, in consequence of his not permitting the " sun to 
 go down on his wrath ?" Mr. Justice Grose, however, apr 
 pears to me to have proved himself to have been a very 
 gross justice, in telling the jury that the law does not re 
 cognise certain nice distinctions which are adopted by men 
 of honour* If, however, his assertion be true, it is proper 
 
158 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 And when the foe J sent to Hades, 
 Our champion will please the ladies, 
 Because the pretty things delight in 
 The man, who kills his man in fighting. 
 
 that there should be an act of parliament passed immediate 
 ly, giving us GENTLEMEN the privilege of killing each 
 other, which would save government the expense of hemp, 
 hangmen, &c. 
 
CANTO III 
 
 MANIFESTO. 
 
 ARGUMENT. 
 
 The poet now, with Discord s clarion 
 Preludes the war we mean to carry on j 
 And sends abroad a PROCLAMATION 
 Against Perkinean conjuration ; 
 Proves that we ought to hang the tractors, 
 On gibbet high, like malefactors, 
 And with them that pestiferous corps^ 
 Who keep alive the paltry poor ; 
 By reasons sound, as e er were taken. 
 From Aristotle, Locke, or Bacon. 
 
 BUT if you cannot find some one, 
 As bold as Attila the Hunn, 
 T attack the conjuring tractoring noddy, 
 And fairly bore him through the body ; 
 
 Collect a host of our profession. 
 With all their weapons in possession ; 
 
160 MODERN PHILOSOPHER* 
 
 And m et armis, then we ll push on, 
 And crush Perkinean Institution. 
 
 But first, in flaming MANIFESTO, 
 (To let John Bull and all the rest know, 
 Why we should on these fellows trample, 
 And make the rogues a sad example) 
 
 Say to the publick all you can say, 
 Of magick spells, and necromancy ; 
 That Perkins and his crew are wizards, 
 Conceal d in sanctimonious vizards* 
 
 Say to the publick all you can say, 
 Of wonder-working power of fancy : 
 Tell what imagination s force is 
 In crows and infants, dogs and horses : l 
 
 1 In crows and infants, dogs and horses. 
 
 These are among the patients whose cures are attested 
 in Perkins s publication, in which he has introduced them 
 to show that his tractors do not cure by an influence on the 
 imagination. The fallacy of any deductions, drawn from 
 such cases, in favour of the tractors, will be apparent 
 from the following most learned and elaborate investigation 
 of the subject. 
 
 There are no animals in existence, I shall incontestibly" 
 prove, that are more susceptible of impressions from 
 imagination, than those above mentioned. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 151 
 
 Tell how their minds but here you old men 
 May trust the younkers under Coleman ; 2 
 
 To begin with the crow. Strong mental faculties ever in 
 dicate a vivid imagination ; and what being, except Mivera s 
 beauty the owl, is more renowned for such faculties than 
 the crow ? : Who does not know that he will smell gun 
 powder three miles, if it be in a gun, and he imagine it be 
 intended for his destruction ? These emblems of sagacity, 
 besides " fetching and carrying like a spaniel," and talking 
 as well or better than colonel Kelly s parrot (which by 
 the by I suspect to have been a crow) are, as Edwards 
 assures us in his Natural History, " the planters of all 
 sorts of wood and trees." " I observed," says he, " a great 
 quantity of crows very busy at their work. I went out 
 of my way on purpose to view their labour, and I found 
 they were planting a grove of oaks." Vol. V. Pref. xxxv. 
 
 These geniuses always can tell, and always have told, 
 since the days of Virgil, the approach of rain. That poet 
 says, 
 
 " Turn comix plena pluviam vocat improba voce." 
 
 They can likewise tell when bad news is approaching^ 
 as we learn from the same writer, 
 
 " Ssepe sinistra cava prscdixit ab ilice cornix.* 
 
 Now I beg leave to know what mortal can do more ? 
 and to suppose a crow not blessed with those more bril 
 liant parts, under which imagination is classed, is to do 
 them a singular injustice, which I shall certainly resent 
 on every occasion. 
 
 Now as to infants. Whoever has been in the way of 
 an acquaintance with some of the more musical sort of 
 
162 MODERN PHILOSOPHER, 
 
 For graduates at horses college, 
 Most certainly are men of knowledge ! 
 
 these little gentry (like my seven last darlings for in 
 stance) and has been serenaded with the dulcet sonatas of 
 their warbling strains will not be disposed to deny their 
 powers on the imagination of others. I have known the 
 delusion practised so effectually by these young conjurors, 
 that I have myself imagined my head was actually aching 
 most violently, even on the point of cracking open : but 
 on going beyond the reach of their magick spell, that is, 
 out of hearing, my head has been as free from pain as it 
 necessarily must be at this moment, while 1 am penning 
 this lucid performance. Now, I maintain it to be most un- 
 philosophical, and totally opposite to certain new principles 
 in ethicks, which I shall establish in a future publication, 
 to suppose that infants should be able to impart either 
 pleasure or pain, by operating on the imagination, and not 
 themselves possess a large share of that imagination, by 
 the aid of which they operate to so much effect upon 
 others. 
 
 Next come dogs. Dr. Shaw, in his Zoology^ vol. i. p. 
 289, informs us, " that a dog belonging to a nobleman of 
 the Medici family always attended his master s table, 
 changed the plates for him, carried him his wine in a glass 
 placed on a salver, without spilling the smallest drop." 
 The celebrated Leibnitz mentions another, a subject of the 
 elector of Saxony, who could discourse in an " intelligible 
 manner," especially on u tea, coffee, and chocolate ;" 
 whether in Greek, Latin, German, or English, however, 
 he has hot stated ; but Dr. Shaw, alluding to the same 
 dog, says, undoubtedly under the influence of prejudice, 
 " he was somewhat of a truant, and did not willingly exert 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 163 
 
 That though imagination cures, 
 With aid of pair of patent skewers, 
 
 his talents, being rather pressed into the service of litera 
 ture." 
 
 Indeed our greatest naturalists assure us, that this ani 
 mal is far before the human species in every ennobling 
 quality. Buffon makes man a very devil compared with 
 the dog ; and had he come directly to the point, I pre 
 sume he would have told us that the dog is one link 
 above man in the great chain from the fossil to the angel. 
 " Without the dog," says Buffon, " how could man hav^t 
 been able to tame and reduce other animals into slavery ? To 
 serve his own safety, it was necessary to make friends 
 among those animals whom he found capable of attach 
 ment. The fruit of associating with the dog was the con 
 quest and the peaceable possession of the earth. The dog 
 will always preserve his empire. He reigns at the head of 
 a flock, and makes himself better understood than the 
 voice of the shepherd" (well he might, for it appears he 
 is more knowing, more powerful, and more just.) " Safety, 
 order, and discipline, are the fruits of his vigilance and 
 activity. They are a people submitted to his management, 
 whom he conducts and protects, and against whom he 
 never employs force but for the preservation of peace and 
 good order." BARK S BUFFON, vol. v. p. 302. 
 
 It is to me somewhat remarkable that theorizing French 
 men, many of whose discoveries are scarcely less im 
 portant than my own, cannot make them apply in such 
 a manner as to effect some practical good in society. 
 Buffon discovered that a dog was a species of demi-god, 
 and appears on the point of worshipping this great Anubis 
 of the Egyptians. Voltaire tells us, that Frenchmen are 
 
164 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Still such relief cannot be real, 
 For pain itself is all ideal. 3 
 
 half monkey and half tiger, and every body knows that 
 the one is insufferably mischievous, and the other infinitely 
 ferocious. Now it is surprising that these philosophers 
 eould not contrive to improve the breed by a little of the 
 canine blood. Indeed, I should advise them to import some 
 of our Bond-street male /lufi/iies, to be paired with French 
 female monkics, and I will venture to assert that there will be 
 very little of the tiger perceivable in their offspring. And 
 since a dog, as Buffon says, " reigns with so much dignity 
 at the head of a flock, will always preserve his empire, 
 never emfiloys force but for the preservation of peace and 
 good order," and is endowed with so many other great 
 qualifications, which seem to denote him to be a proper 
 personage to wield the sceptre of dominion, I would se 
 riously advise the abbe Sieyes, when he frames his 999th 
 constitution for the free French Republick (which it is 
 said he has already begun to manufacture) so to organize 
 the executive branch, that at least one of the consuls 
 should be a true blooded English bull-clog. 
 
 After the ample proof I have now given of the infinite 
 superiority of the dog to man, when his merits are fairly 
 estimated, which it is very difficult for us, being interested, 
 to do without prejudice, I shall take it for granted, that he 
 must possess all the brilliancy even of a poet s imagination, 
 and therefore that he is far more likely to be cured by ima 
 gination than any man. 
 
 It now remains to speak of horses, and these (not to 
 mention the Bucephalus of Alexander, or the Pegasus of 
 doctor Caustick) I shall show, in a very few words, can 
 boast of performances and qualifications, to which a lively 
 fancy in the comparison is but as the wit of an oyster to 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 165 
 
 Say that friend Davy, when he was 
 Inspir d with his oraculous gas, 
 
 the wisdom of a philosopher. One of the most scientifick 
 nations that ever existed, renowned alike for its refine 
 ments in the arts, and prowess in war, has been compelled 
 to yield the palm to the superiour attainments of a horse, 
 and acknowledge its inability to achieve what he most 
 readily effected. Ten long years was the whole power 
 of Greece engaged in an ineffectual siege of far-famed 
 Troy. The bravest of armies, commanded by heroes 
 allied to the gods, assailed the foe in vain. At this dis 
 heartening period stepped forth a wooden horse, and pro- 
 promised a victory, provided his plans were adopted. 
 Aware of the horse s great capacity, which enabled him to 
 comprehend a great number of subjects^ the sagacious 
 Greeks entered into his measures, and Troy was levelled 
 in the dust. 
 
 If all this could have been accomplished by a tuoodm 
 horse, none but a Perkinite will be so absurd as to pretend 
 that one composed of Jlesh and blood, like man, does not 
 enjoy far greater privileges, among which are those of 
 receiving as many cures by the influence of imagination 
 as he pleases. 
 
 Now then, gentlemen, I trust that if any man will con 
 over, digest, comprehend, and admit this my ingenious 
 and learned exposition of the fallacy of the arguments in 
 favour of the tractors, so much harped upon by our ad 
 versaries, which are drawn from the circumstance of 
 their having cured crows and infants, dogs and horses, he 
 will with great facility be enabled to confound and over 
 throw them on all occasions, provided he enforce and pro 
 claim it with the ardency its importance deserves. 
 
166 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Utter d this solemn truth, that nought 
 E er had existence, only thought / 4 
 
 2 May trust the younkers under Coleman. 
 
 Search the field of science, and you will not find la 
 bourers more in want of employment than the above gentry. 
 For so prolifick is this Alma Mater in qualifying the rising 
 generation of veterinarians, that three months looking ow, 
 and twenty guineas fee to the ingenious professor, will 
 convert the veriest dunce into a veterinarian of the first wa 
 ter, to the no small discomfiture of every farrier within 
 many miles of his range. 
 
 But I would by no means recommend your trusting to 
 the professor himself for any aid in this business. No ; 
 he has no interest in the affair. Let the tractors cure all 
 the infirm horses in England, and what cares the professor? 
 Why he has only to put up his petition, as he has done 
 already several times, under the dome of St. Stephen^ 
 and all wants are satisfied. Fifteen hundred a year, be 
 sides cheese-parings to twice the amount, are no incon 
 siderable matters in the estimation of a garreteer, like Dr. 
 Caustick. Were parliament to reward me for my disco 
 veries and labours for the good of the human, in propor 
 tion to their munificence to the professor of the caballine 
 race, I should have had a dozen dukedoms, and the clerk 
 ship of the Pells, which was lately given, by his firo~uident 
 sire to master Addington, into the bargain. 
 
 Trust, therefore, the younkers under Coleman ; for 
 they, being actuated by the same spirit which impels me 
 to attack Perkinism, will prove powerful allies in our 
 glorious cause. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 167 
 
 What though they say, why to be sure, 
 If we by Fancy s aid can CURE, 
 Then why not use imagination, 
 A cheap and simple operation? 
 
 SAY NATURE THROUGH HER WORKS INTENDS 
 
 ALL THINGS TO ANSWER SOME GREAT ENDS . 
 THUS SHE FORM D DRUGS TO PURGE AND 
 
 SHAKE, 
 
 THEN MAN, OF COURSE THOSE DRUGS TO 
 TAKE. 5 
 
 3 For pain itself is all ideal. 
 
 So said the learned bishop Berkley, in a scientifick 
 treatise called Principles of Human Knowledge, in which 
 his reverence makes it apparent, to those who have a clue 
 to his metaphysical labyrinth, that there is no such thing as 
 matter, entity, or sensation, distinct from the mind which 
 perceives, or thinks it perceives, such ideas or substances. 
 The bishop s authority being so pat in point, I cannot but 
 admire that it has not more frequently been adduced 
 in opposition to the tractors. 
 
 4 E er had existence, only thought ! 
 
 For the particulars of this important discovery turn back 
 to note 16. canto i. 
 
 5 THEN MAN, OF COURSE, THOSE DRUGS TO TAKE. 
 
 This CAPITAL argument, that it might make a CAPITAL 
 figure, I have ordered my printer to put in CAPITAL letters, 
 
168 MODERN PHILOSOPHER 
 
 That learn d physicians pine with hunger/ 
 The while a spruce young patent- monger 
 
 and I hope it will make a CAPITAL impression on your 
 worshipful intellects. But still I have not given it half 
 that pre-eminence which its importance claims, under 
 existing circumstances. A great hue and cry has been 
 raised by the Perkinites, by which some of the less pene 
 trating part of the profession have been awed into silence, 
 respecting the duty of medical practitioners. They say 
 that it is the duty of a medical man to employ only such 
 means as will cure his patient in the most safe, cheafi, and 
 expeditious, manner. This infamous pretension takes its 
 origin from no other person than Perkins himself. That 
 you may individually be aware of the effrontery with 
 which it is brought forward, I shall, in this note, copy 
 from Perkins s book his manner of treating the subject. 
 Your worships will form some idea of the magnitude of 
 this objection of our adversaries, in their own estimation, 
 and the mischief it has already occasioned, not only in 
 Great Britain, but abroad, when I inform you that it has 
 been echoed in both the English and foreign journals, and 
 in many of them treated as a complete refutation of the 
 arguments of Dr. Haygarth, and of all who object against 
 the tractors, on account of their curing diseases merely by 
 operating on the imagination. Among other foreign pub 
 lications, I observe that the 21st volume of the Biblio heque 
 Britannique, printed at Geneva, closes a long account 
 (40 pages) of " Perkinisme" with this " petite histoire de 
 Mr. Perkins." 
 
 " A gentleman came from the country to London, for 
 the advantage of medical assistance, in a complaint of 
 peculiar obstinacy and distress. After being under the 
 care of an eminent physician several weeks, and paying 
 him upwards of thirty guineas, without any relief, he was 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 169 
 
 Contrives to wheedle simple ninnies, 
 And tr actor ize away our guineas. 
 
 induced to try the tractors. To be short, they performed 
 a remarkable cure ; the person was perfectly restored in 
 about ten days. The physician, calling soon after, was 
 informed of the circumstance. He began lamenting that 
 so sensible a person as the patient should be caught ia 
 the use of so contemptible a piece of quackery as the 
 tractors. After assuring the patient that he had thrown 
 away his five guineas, for that it was well established by Dr. 
 Haygarth, that a brick-bat, tobacco-pipe, goose-quill, or 
 even the bare finger, would perform the same cures, he 
 was interrupted by his patient : And are you sincere in 
 your belief that you could have produced, by those 
 means, the same effects upon me, which I have ex 
 perienced from the tractors ?* c Do I believe it ? Ay, I 
 know it ; and that a thousand similar cures might be 
 effected by means equally simple and ridiculous. 
 And sir, interrupted the gentleman again, in a more 
 stern and serious tone, i why did you not cure me then 
 by those simple means ? Remember I have paid you 
 thirty guineas, under the supposition that you were 
 exerting your utmost endeavours to cure me, and that 
 in the most safe, cheap, and expeditious manner. You 
 now in substance acknowledge, that, although in posses- 
 fsion of the means of restoring me to health, for the dis* 
 honourable purpose of picking my pocket, you continued 
 me upon the bed of sickness ! Who turns out to be the 
 impostor ? Let your own conscience answer. The 
 justness of the retort* it will be easily believed, precluded 
 the possibility of an exculpation." 
 
 Perkins s New Cqses, p. 145. 
 
170 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 That many thousand cures attested 
 Show death s cold hand full oft arrested ; 
 
 Had I been the physician, however, I would have re 
 joined with arguments, not dissimilar to that which is so 
 beautifully expressed in the above stanza. I would have 
 told him that the Author of nature most certainly would 
 not have created either a poisonous or salubrious vegetable, 
 without intending that it should " dose and double dose" 
 his creature man. 
 
 Should it be objected that the tractors being also created 
 substances ought also to be used, I could ingenuously 
 retort, they were created in America, a country whose 
 natives are Indians, an inferiour order of beings to man, as 
 some great philosophers before me have asserted, and who, 
 it is evident, are the only order of creatures, on whom it 
 was intended the tractors should be used. 
 
 I have no particular wish to injure Dr. Jenner, or I should 
 positively overturn him and all his adherents with my re 
 sistless arguments. If I were not willing that he should 
 retain his popularity, I should make it appear that the 
 small-pox was created with the intent of being universally 
 propagated among the human race for the purpose of 
 mortifying female vanity ; and Jenner s attempt to extir 
 pate it, by substituting the cow-pox, which ought to have 
 been confined to the quadrupeds, among which it originated, 
 as the tractors ought to have been to the Indians, is the ex 
 treme of presumption, and the height of iniquity. I con- 
 not but conceive that our bishops and clergy are very 
 remiss in not endeavouring to dissuade from such enor 
 mous, innovating practices. 
 
 6 That learn d physicians pine with hunger. 
 No man who possesses a heart, certainly none who pos* 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 171 
 
 But those who from his prey would part him, 
 Should manage things secundum artem. 
 
 That none should ancient customs vary. 
 Nor leges physics mutare ; 
 And thus, to gain a cure unlock d for, 
 The patient save, but starve the doctor. 7 
 
 sesses bowels, can view us reduced to this deplorable con 
 dition, and hear this pathetick appeal, without the sincerest 
 commisseration. The eminent services that our profession 
 have rendered mankind, in contributing to avert some of 
 the greatest curses that ever befel the civilized part of the 
 world, are too well known, and have been too frequently ac 
 knowledged to be forgotten, ungratefully, in the day of our 
 adversity. The testimony to this effect of the judicious, 
 the humane Addison, ought often to be brought before the 
 publick eye. 
 
 We may lay it down as a maxim," says that intelligent 
 writer, " that when a nation abounds with physicians it 
 grows thin of people. Sir William Temple is very much 
 puzzled to find out a reason why the northern hive, as he 
 calls it, does not send such prodigious swarms, and over 
 run the world with Goths and Vandals, as it did formerly : 
 but had that excellent author observed that there were no 
 students in physick among the subjects of Thor and Woden, 
 and that this science very much flourishes in the north at 
 present, he might have found a better solution for this 
 difficulty than any of those he has made use of." Sfics- 
 tator. No. 21. 
 
 7 The patient save, but starve the doctor. 
 This would be abominable* Physicians, in general, are 
 
172 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 That, though the Perkinistick fellows 
 May have the impudence to tell us, 
 That they can muster, on emergence, 
 Renown d physicians, learned surgeons ; 
 
 With many other men of merit, 
 Philanthropy and publick spirit, 
 Not your self-puffing sons of vanity, 
 But real HOWARDS of humanity. 
 
 Say that those surgeons and physicians 
 Are but a conjuring set of rich ones, 
 Who, having made their fortunes, therefore- 
 Have very little else to care for. 
 
 Since they ve no interest nor right in 
 The very cause for which they re fighting 
 
 a hale hearty race of men, as, indeed, must be readily con 
 ceived from their prudent maxims in regard to the preser 
 vation of their own health : they take no physick. No ; 
 they are too well acquainted with its tendency. Now, to 
 starve so sturdy and powerful a body, when his majesty is 
 in want of such subjects to check the ambitious strides of 
 restless Buonaparte, as appears from the king s declaration 
 of this day (May the 16th, 1803,) in preference to letting 
 their miserable fiatients expire, whom Providence evidently 
 intended should die off, is, I trust, too absurd and unrea 
 sonable an idea to be admitted. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 173 
 
 Such non-commission d volunteers, 
 In eye of law, are bucaniers. 
 
 And as by law a man may fire at, 
 
 At any time, a rascal pirate, 
 
 So we, with justice on our side, 
 
 May hang these rogues before they re try d. 
 
 Then draw a just, but black comparison, 
 Which, if they ve feelings left, will harass em, 
 Twixt tractoring Perkinites, so smart, 
 And other dealers in black art; 
 
 That is, the chimney-sweepers sooty, 
 Whose deeds, like Perkinites, are smutty ; 
 But as they are aspiring geniuses, 
 Like Perkinites, they find Mecenases. 8 
 
 8 Like Perkinites they find Mecenases. 
 
 The Perkineans have no cause to boast of the extent of 
 their patronage, for the poor tawny reptile chimney 
 sweepers have of late interested the friends of humanity 
 in their behalf quite as much. Your worships will derive 
 from this circumstance a very pleasant source for sneering 
 at our opponents, which I am sure you will gladly em 
 brace, whenever opportunity presents. 
 
174 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 But chimney-sweepers and Perkineans 
 Are such a scurvy set of minions, 
 That not one rogue among them back d is 
 Except by knaves retir d from practice. 9 
 
 9 Except by knaves retir d from practice. 
 
 This, gentlemen, is a circumstance of no small mo 
 ment, and which I trust you will see the necessity of 
 looking at with some seriousness. Some of our profes 
 sion have, to their eternal disgrace, since their retirement on 
 their fortunes, deserted our cause, and are now to be found 
 in the ranks of our enemies. These fellows have the 
 presumption to suggest that their duty to the interests of 
 the community supersedes that which they owe to their 
 old brethren, the unreasonableness of which sentiment I 
 conceive to be self-evident, and therefore shall not trouble 
 myself to prove it. Several have even addressed to the 
 Perkinean Institution communications in favour of the 
 metallick tractors, for publication, three of which are al 
 ready laid before the publick. The first on this list is 
 Mr. Lyster, late of Dublin, who having been above twenty 
 years senior surgeon of the Dublin hospital, retired to 
 Bath, where he now seems even to take delight in bene- 
 fitting the mean and miserable poor, to the wanton injury 
 of his own dear brethren. To show the extent of his ma 
 lice, he has, in his communication to the Perkinean So 
 ciety, introduced statements of remarkable cures by the 
 tractors ; among others one of total blindness of many 
 years duration, in which all medical skill had previously 
 failed ; and, to wind up this tale of infamy, he has even 
 ventured to censure, indirectly, my great champion, Dr. 
 Haygarth, and to hint that his proceedings were not ac>> 
 .companied with honourable intentions ! 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 175 
 
 That though certificates he dish up, 
 From surgeon, doctor, parson, bishop ; 10 
 
 Next on this trio list are Mr. Yatman, of Chelsea, and 
 Dr. Fuller, of Upper Brook street ; the conduct of both of 
 whom is equally, if not more reprehensible than Lyster s. 
 Ihese two also call in the lame* the halt, and the blind, 
 and, as if to spite their brethren who have drugs to sell, 
 cure them with the tractors without fee or reward ! Such 
 conduct is so atrocious that if your worships should 
 think proper to have them indicted, and Mr. Erskine or 
 Mr. Garrow object to defend the cause of such clients, I, 
 counsellor Caustick (remember I am L. L. D.) will manage 
 it for you, and; provided I can but get that same jury 
 which decided that captain Macnamara was not accessory 
 to the death of col. Montgomery, I will procure the de 
 fendants to be sent to Botany Bay, or at least as far as 
 Coventry. 
 
 To show the barbarity and wantonness of these two men, 
 I will close this note by the following quotation from the 
 letter of one of them, Dr. Fuller, who, after a practice 
 of nearly thirty years in medicine, and by which he has se 
 cured his own independence, seems now to amuse him 
 self in undermining those of us who are still dependant. 
 After a statement of a number of great cures by the trac 
 tors, and proving, by his own trials on infants, &c. that 
 they do not act on imagination, which Dr. Haygarth so 
 laudably attempted to show, he proceeds ; " I derive 
 much satisfaction in noticing among the more liberal and 
 respectable part of my profession an increased favourable 
 opinion of Perkinism, and a readiness to allow of its use 
 among their patients, when proposed by others. To ex 
 pect more than this, would be to expect more than human 
 nature in its present state will admit. It must be an ex 
 traordinary exertion of virtue and humanity for a medical 
 

 176 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 From gentle, simple, yeomen, squires, 
 Tis written, " that all men are liars /" 
 
 man, whose livelihood depends either on the sale of drugs, 
 or on receiving a guinea for writing a prescription, which 
 must relate to those drugs, to say to his patient, " You 
 had better purchase a pair of tractors to keep in your 
 family ; they will cure you without the expense of my 
 attendance, or the danger of the common medical prac 
 tice." For very obvious reasons, medical men must never 
 be expected to recommend the use of Perkinism. The 
 tractors must trust for their patronage to the enlightened 
 and philanthropick out of the profession, or to medical 
 men retired from practice, and who know of no other 
 interest than the luxury of relieving the distressed And I 
 do not despair of seeing the day, when but very few of this 
 description as well as private families will be without them." 
 If Dr. Fuller were obliged to live in my garret one month, 
 he would sing a different tune. 
 
 10 From surgeon, doctor, parson, bishop. 
 
 The following statement (an arrant lie, I dare say) I copy 
 from the report of the Perkinistick committee, on the es 
 tablishment of their institution. The reasons for adducing, 
 it here are two-fold, both of which are weighty. First, 
 if it be false, we shall be able to blow them up at once, 
 as authors of infamous lies : and secondly, if it be true, 
 I need not suggest to you the pressing necessity there is 
 for your exertions in arresting a growing monster that is 
 making such rapid strides in the invasion of your rights. 
 Hear the following : 
 
 " Mr. Perkins has annually laid before the publick a 
 large collection of new cases, communicated to him for 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 177 
 
 That grant his tractors cure diseases* 
 Folks ought to die just when God pleases ; 
 
 that purpose, by disinterested and intelligent characters, 
 from almost every quarter of Great Britain. In regard to 
 the competency of these vouchers, it will be sufficient 
 simply to state, that, amongst others whose names have 
 been attached to their communications, are eight profes 
 sors in four different universities, twenty-one regular phy 
 sicians, nineteen surgeons, thirty clergymen, twelve of 
 whom are doctors of divinity, and numerous other cha 
 racters of equal respectability. The cases published by 
 these gentlemen amounted in March last, the date of Mr. 
 Perkins s last publication, to about five thousand. Sup 
 posing that not more than one cure in three hundred, 
 which the tractors have performed, has been published, 
 and the proportion is probably much greater, it will be 
 seen, that the number, to March last, will have exceeded 
 one million five hundred thousand 1" 
 
 Now, as I suggested in the beginning of this note, I 
 have no hesitation in pronouncing the whole of this state 
 ment a string of infamous falsehoods, and these pretended 
 respectable characters, who have given their sanction 
 thereto, are neither more nor less than pensioners of 
 Perkins. And, as by the mouth of two or three witnesses 
 every word may be established, I hereby offer myself to 
 join in forming a trio to go before the lord mayor, and 
 take an oath to that effect. Then the business will be done. 
 I have in my eye a young surgeon at Bristol, who, I dare 
 say, will make one most readily, and I am sure that a 
 very redoubtable apothecary of the same name, at Newing- 
 ton, will turn out for another. 
 
 A a 
 
178 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 But most of all the dirty poor, 
 
 Who make, quoth Darwin, good manure ;" 
 
 That when the Russians, logger-headed, 
 Were kill d by Frenchmen, ever dreaded, 
 
 11 Who make, quoth Darwin, good manure. 
 
 Besides the advantage of showing how reverently this 
 great philosopher and philanthropist could speak of reli 
 gion, I am sure I shall render an essential service to agri 
 culturalists, by adducing the following quotation. I bring 
 it forward the more readily, as I find that the Board of 
 Agriculture have been so negligent of the interest of that 
 noble art, as not yet to have recommended the universal 
 adoption of this measure. 
 
 " There should be no burial places in churches, or 
 church-yards, where the monuments of departed sinners 
 shoulder God s altar and pollute his holy places with dead 
 men s bones. But proper burial places should be con 
 secrated out of towns, and divided into two compartments, 
 the earth from one of which, saturated with animal de 
 composition, should be taken away once in ten or twenty 
 years, for the purposes of agriculture, and sand or clay, 
 or less fertile soil brought into its place." Darwin s P/iyto- 
 logia, p. 242. 
 
 Here your worships will perceive that there is a pros 
 pect, if this advice is followed, that we may enjoy the 
 privilege of eating, instead of drinking our friends, which 
 would be something of an improvement on our idea, 
 communicated in page 112. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 179 
 
 Darwin rejoic d the filthy creatures 
 
 Would serve for stock to make musquitoes ; 12 
 
 12 Would serve for stock to make musquitoes. 
 
 Among other speculations also in the cause of humanity, 
 bequeathed us by this friend of man, are the following, 
 which will prove a great consolation to those who have 
 foolishly supposed that the bloodshed and devastation, pro 
 duced by war, were circumstances which ought to be la 
 mented. 
 
 These remarks are published by Dr. Darwin, as written 
 under his own observations in the manuscript of his book, 
 by a " philosophical friend," whom he left in his library. It 
 is supposed, however, that the doctor wrote them himself. 
 At least the sentiments have his sanction. 
 
 " It consoles me to find, as I contemplate the whole of 
 organized nature, that it is not in the power of any one 
 personage, whether statesman or hero, to produce by his ill 
 employed activity, so much misery as might have been 
 supposed. Thus, if a Russian army, in these insane times, 
 after having endured a laborious march of many hundred 
 miles, is destroyed by a French army, in defence of their 
 republick, what has happened ? Forty thousand human 
 creatures, dragged from their homes and connexions, 
 cease to exist, and have manured the earth ; but the quantity 
 of organized matter, of which they were composed, pre 
 sently revives in the forms of millions of microscopick 
 animals, vegetables, and insects, and afterwards of 
 quadrupeds and men ; the sum of whose happiness is, per 
 haps, greater than that of the harassed soldiers, by whose 
 destruction they have gained their existence ! Is not this a 
 consoling idea to a mind of universal sympathy ? I fear you 
 will think me a misanthrope, but I assure you a contrary 
 
180 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 And also urges with propriety, 
 That war s no evil in society ; 
 But has a charming operation, 
 To check excess of population. 
 
 " Superfluous myriads from the earth" 
 Are swept by pestilence and dearth ; 3 
 
 sensation dwells in my bosom ; and though I commiserate 
 the evils of all organized beings, " Homo sum, human! 
 irihil a me alienum puto." Phytofagiay p. 558. 
 
 13 Are swept by pestilence and dearth. 
 Last words of Dr. Darwin. 
 
 I take no small credit to myself, for being one of the first 
 to bring into notice the latest and the most sublime of this 
 sublime philosopher s sublime speculations. The fountain 
 from which this radiant stream of illumination flows is 
 denominated, among booksellers, THE TEMPLE OF NA 
 TURE. 
 
 To paint all the writers conceptions of the mansion of 
 that old lady, and her own most singular qualifications, 
 wpuld be a task even beyond the abilities of a Caustick. 
 Mr. Fuseli, however, has painted his conceptions on the 
 occasion, which, in one of his designs, appear, so far as I 
 can comprehend him, to be simply these :?Jn his frontis 
 piece to the work, he represents one beautiful lady point 
 ing at, or rather fumbling about (somewhat indecently I 
 must confess) a middle or third breast of another beautiful 
 Jady, whom I suppose to be Dame Nature ; 
 
 Than which there s nothing can be apter 
 To fill philosophers with rapture. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 181 
 
 Which drive his philosophick plan on, 
 As well as blunderbuss or cannon ; 
 
 That, in this world s great slaughter-house, 
 Not only sheep and calves and cows, 
 But " man erect, with thought elate," 
 Must " duck" to death his stubborn pate ; 14 
 
 [Your worships will excuse my bursting in to poetry, for the 
 idea set all myinsides into suchaDella Cruscan-like ferment, 
 that I should certainly have burst open, had it not thus 
 overflowed.] This third breast I take to be the painter s 
 emblem of the discoveries of Dr. Darwin implying that 
 their existence is as evident as that a woman has three 
 breasts. But, not to digress ; the doctor ascertains that 
 
 " Human progenies, if unrestrain d, 
 By climate friended, and by food sustain d 
 O er seas and soils prolific!*, hordes would spread 
 Ere long, and deluge their terraqueous bed. 
 But war and pestilence, disease and dearth 
 Sweep the superfluous myriads from the earth." 
 
 Temple of Nature, Canto iv. 
 
 Some ^philosophical theorists have foolishly supposed 
 that this sweeping plan of Dr. Darwin, which that philoso 
 pher appears to have introduced, lest " prolifick hordes" 
 should " deluge their terraqueous beds, * might as well be 
 deferred till a few of the " superfluous" acres on the earth s 
 surface were reduced to a state of cultivation. I should 
 advise to employ these supernumeraries in navigating 
 polar ices within the tropicks- as recommended by the 
 doctor in the Bo anick Garden, were I not apprehensive 
 lest I should thereby, in some measure, destroy the opera? 
 tion of Saint Pierre s tides. See note 36. Canto i. 
 
182 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 That in said butcher s shop, the weakest 
 Should always be kill d off the quickest, 
 Because Dame Nature gave the strongest 
 The right and power to live the longest ; 
 
 That since " to die is but to sleep, " 5 
 And poor diseas d are scabby sheep, 
 
 J * Must u duck" to death his stubborn pate. 
 More last words of Dr. Darwin. 
 
 " The brow of man erect, with thought elate, 
 Ducks to the mandate of resistless fate." 
 
 Temjile of Nature > Canto iv. 
 
 I have exhibited this couplet at all the assemblages of 
 poetizing brethren in Grub street and St. Giles s, not omit 
 ting the inhabitants of the " Wits corner, at the Chapter 
 coffee-house, the elevated tenants of the cider cellar in 
 Maiden Lane, and col. Hanger s knights of the round 
 table," all of whom agree in acknowledging the elegance 
 and correctness of the metaphor, and that its beauties are 
 so transcendently exquisite, and beyond the ken of mortal 
 eye, as to be perfectly incomprehensible. 
 
 J 5 That since <; to die is but to sleep." 
 
 Long o er the wrecks of lovely life they weep ; 
 Then pleas d reflect, to die is but to sleep." 
 
 Temjile of Nature , Canto ii. 
 
 I suspect that my intimate friend and correspondent. 
 
 Buonaparte, is a full convert to Dr. Darwin s doctrine of 
 
 death and its consequences. For, when he declared to lord 
 
 Whitworth his determination to invade England, although 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 183 
 
 That none need care a single button 
 
 If we should make them all dead mutton ; 
 
 That death is but a trivial thing, 
 Because a toadstool, or a king, 
 Will, after death, be sure to rise 
 In bats and bed-bugs, fleas and flies. 16 
 
 Besides, they ll make, when kill d in fight, 
 Vast " monuments of past delight ;" 17 
 
 there were a hundred chances to one in fa-vow of his 
 going to the bottom, he was undoubtedly calculating on a 
 comfortable nap after the fatigues of government. 
 
 16 In bats and bed-bugs, fleas and flies. 
 
 " Thus, when a monarch or a mushroom dies, 
 Awhile extinct the organick matter lies ; 
 But, as a few short hours or years revolve, 
 Alchymick powers the changing mass dissolve ; 
 Born to new life unnumber d insects pant," 8cc. 
 
 Temple of Nature, Canto iv*. 
 
 It has been a matter of curious inquiry among some of 
 my corresponding garreteers, whether this philosopher 
 himself, in the latter stages of his existence, enjoyed much 
 consolation from reflecting that the " organick matter" 
 which entered into his own composition, was about to be 
 employed for the important purpose of giving " new life" 
 to " unnumbered insects." 
 
184 MODERN PHILOSOPHER, 
 
 And that to think of is more pleasant, 
 
 Than such delight enjoyed at present. ; 
 
 Then no Darwinian philosopher, 
 His conduct can contrive to gloss over. 
 And make it with his tenets tally, 
 Unless he round our standard rally, 
 
 And join in strenuous endeavour 
 The wretch s thread of fate to sever, 
 
 J 7 Vast " monuments of past delight." 
 
 " Thus the tall mountains, that emboss d the lands. 
 Huge isles of rock, and continents of sands, 
 Whose dim extent eludes the inquiring sight, 
 
 ARE MIGHTY MONUMENTS OF PAST DELIGHT." 
 
 These " monuments of past delight," Darwin says, 
 " Rose from the wrecks of animal or herb." 
 
 Thus taught by this wondrous sage, I trust the friend 
 to humanity will suppose it best to let the poor, infirm, 
 and decrepit, die off as fast as possible, to " manure the 
 earth," that the quantity of organized matter of which 
 they were composed, may revive in the forms of millions 
 of microscopick animals, vegetables and insects, make 
 " monuments of past delight, Sec." Therefore it is to be 
 hoped, that the promoters of the Perkinean institution 
 "will prove as despicable in respect to numbers, as they 
 are deficient in understanding, especially in comprehend 
 ing the great and glorious truths of modern philosophy. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 185 
 
 That having met their final doom, 
 
 They may have rest, we elbow room. l8 
 
 Say that the deepest politicians 
 
 Will join their powers with us physicians; 
 
 18 They may have rest, tue elbow room. 
 
 If your worships have not read Mr. Malthus s Essay 
 on the Principle of Population, I advise you to buy the 
 book immediately, and set yourselves about something like 
 an effort to comprehend its contents. You will there find, 
 I cannot now recollect the page, that fiofiulation has a ten 
 dency to increase in a geometrical ratio^ but that subsist 
 ence must be limited to an arithmetical ratio. That the 
 world would soon swarm with inhabitants in such a man 
 ner that in years of the greatest plenty we should be under 
 the disagreeable necessity of turning anthrofiofihagi, and, 
 like the famous Pantagruel, eat pilgrims with our sallad, 
 were not the principle of population restrained by two very 
 useful firedominant firincijileS) viz. " VICE and MISERY ;" the 
 former of which is happily exemplified in the extravagance 
 and luxury of your worships, and the latter correctly ex 
 pressed in the jio~uerty of your worships petitioner. You 
 will likewise find in the same volume, fiassim, that after 
 war, pestilence, and famine have laid waste a country, 
 there is an immediate increase of births, in consequence 
 of the principle of population being let loose to take its 
 natural operation in replenishing the earth ; or, in other 
 words, because there is more elbow room for the survivers. 
 Now, this being correct reasoning, it must be wonderfully 
 wrong to try to keep alive poor folks who are a dead weight 
 on population, destroy the means of subsistence, prevent 
 early marriages, and, by keeping themselves above ground, 
 stand in the way of their betters. 
 B b 
 
186 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Assist to overset the flummery 
 
 Of Perkins mischief- making mummery, 
 
 Nor suffer tractoring rogues to cure 
 Such sordid shoals of paltry poor, 
 Of whom it truly may be said, 
 That they were ten times better dead. 
 
 For when the old Nick comes and fetches 
 Away the dirty set of wretches, 
 Times will improve, because, the fact is, 
 Twill lessen poor rates, worst of taxes. I9 
 
 J 9 *Twill lessen poor rates, worst of taxes. 
 
 Mr. Malthus in his Essay on the Principle of Popula 
 tion, has the following remarks which go to corroborate 
 my statement. 
 
 " To remedy the frequent distresses of the common 
 people, the poor laws of England have been instituted ; 
 but it is to be feared, that though they may have alleviated 
 a little the intensity of individual misfortune, they have 
 spread the general evil over a much larger surface. It 
 is a subject often started in conversation, and mentioned 
 always as a matter of great surprise, that notwithstanding 
 the immense sum that is annually collected for the poor 
 in England, there is still so much distress among them. 
 Some think that the money must be embezzled ; others 
 that the church wardens and overseers consume the greater 
 part of it in dinners. A.I agree that somehow or other it 
 must be very ill managed. In short, the fact is, that nearly 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 187 
 
 Say that those wights of skill surprising 
 In science of economizing, 
 
 three millions are collected annually for the poor, and yet, 
 that their distresses are not removed is the subject of 
 continual astonishment. But a man who sees a little below 
 the surface of things would be very much surprised if 
 the fact were otherwise than it is observed to be, or even 
 if a collection, universally of eighteen shillings in the 
 pound, instead of four, were materially to alter it. I will 
 state a case which I hope will elucidate my meaning. 
 
 " Suppose, that by a subscription of the rich, the 
 eighteen pence a day, which men earn now, was made up 
 five shillings ; it might be imagined, perhaps, that they 
 would then be able to live more comfortably, and have a 
 piece of meat every day for their dinners. But this would 
 be a very false conclusion. The transfer of three and six 
 pence a day to every labourer would not increase the 
 quantity of meat in the country. There is not at present 
 enough for them all to have a decent share. What would 
 then be the consequence ? The competition among the 
 buyers in the market of meat would rapidly raise the 
 price from six pence or seven pence, to two or three 
 shillings the pound ; and the commodity would not be 
 divided among many more than it is at present. When 
 an article is scarce, and cannot be distributed to all, he 
 that can show the most valid patent, that is, he that offers 
 most money becomes the possessor. If we can suppose 
 the competition among the buyers of meat to continue 
 long enough for a greater number of cattle to be reared 
 annually, this could only be done at the expense of the 
 corn, which would be a very disadvantageous exchange ; 
 for it is well known that the country could not then sup* 
 port the same population/ 
 
188 JIODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Who cook up most delicious farings, 
 From cheese rinds, and potatoe parings, 
 
 Will thank us when this paltry band 
 Are " kill d off," to manure the land ; 
 And they will make, I ween, besides, 
 Morocco leather from their hides ; 
 
 And so contrive that every coffin, 
 Which serves to lug a dead rogue off in, 
 Shall answer, if it be not made ill, 
 For living child, a clever cradle. 20 
 
 Now, our Columbian politicians would have told Mr. 
 Malthus, that the only legitimate way of relieving the dis 
 tresses of the poor of any country is for the government 
 to send what he calls the " most valid patents," or in other 
 words, the circulating medium, or what may be properly 
 called the representative of property out of the country, 
 by way of tribute to some foreign power, say France. 
 This may go under colour of buying the right to govern 
 (not he right of soil) certain lands in the moon, or such a 
 tract as Louisiana. Then, if ever the right to govern should 
 be disputed by the natives, or the purchased should attempt 
 to exclude the purchasers even from the rights of citizen 
 ship, or disputes should arise about the boundaries, send 
 them more ^patents" These patents are to be obtained 
 by imfiosts on such articles of commerce as are least easily 
 dispensed with by the poor. This conduct, by introducing 
 " Misery and Vice./ will prevent matrimony, and thus di 
 minish population and of course the number of the poor, 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 189 
 
 Say Perkinism should be level d ; 
 Tis Galvanism worse bedevii d : 
 Indeed, they both are but a schism, 
 From old exploded Mesmerism. 2I 
 
 and thus finally terminate in an addition lo the sum of 
 human happiness. 
 
 20 For living child, a clever cradle. 
 
 In the enumeration of my plans for universal improve 
 ments, in my first canto, I absolutely forgot to mention 
 this scheme for publick economy. I do hope, trust, and 
 believe, that, should it strike the eye or the ear of the ge 
 nerous and unassuming count Rum ford, it will recommend 
 me to his kind notice, and as much liberal patronage as 
 he once extended to poor doctor Garnet. 
 
 We are not very highly pleased to perceive that the 
 Edinburgh Reviewers have made a most temerarious as 
 sault on this philosopher. They affirm that they " profess 
 to be of the daily increasing number of those who do not 
 think very highly of count Rumford s talents as a philo 
 sopher ;" and then, with no small degree of impudence, 
 make it appear that in a certain publication entitled an 
 inquiry concerning the " nature of heat and the mode of 
 its communication, Benjamin count Rumford, &c. 8cc. had 
 made exactly the same discoveries which had been previous 
 ly detailed by one Mr. Leslie. They then affirm that after a 
 review of the whole work, if they were to state their opinion, 
 they would say, that count Rumford had borrowed Mr. Les 
 lie s leading discovery, without completely understanding its 
 nature and extent ; that he had pursued it imperfectly, and 
 so mixed it up with errour and fanciful theory, as to dis 
 figure it, and almost prevent one from recognizing the 
 property." Edinburgh Review. 
 
190 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Though fools say Perkins never took, 
 Like Mesmer and De Mainaduc, 
 His patients wild imagination, 
 To join in aid of operation 
 
 And though they say, on man and horse, 
 The tractors act with equal force ; 
 Still, some among us can get through it, 
 And swear old Satan helps him do it ! 
 
 In proof of tractoring defection 
 Proclaim that wise and learn d objection, 
 The famous argument, so handy, 
 About their modus opcrandi. 
 
 21 From old exploded Mesmerism. 
 
 The whole pretence of Mesmerism, or animal mag 
 netism, was long since proved to be a fallacy, and blown up 
 accordingly, by a set of academicians at Paris. Our pro 
 fession have shown great ingenuity in their endeavours to 
 persuade mankind that Perkinism rested on the same foun 
 dation, and ought of consequence to share the same fate. 
 As it is ingenuously determined to class every innovation, 
 which militates against our interest, with some exploded 
 practice, I would respectfully propose that your worships 
 should do the justice to the person who first suggested 
 the idea of classing Perkinism with animal magnetism, 
 of requesting his acceptance of a statue. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 191 
 
 That a physician should neglect 
 To notice e en a good effect, 
 Unless the cause, as he supposes, 
 Is nine times plainer than his nose is ; 
 
 And though it may be urg d by some, 
 That this grave reasoning s all a hum, 
 Because the learn d are in the dark 
 How opium, mercury, acts, and bark, 
 
 To such reply you ll make no answers, 
 For much I question if you can, sirs ; 
 But rather for retort uncivil, 
 The poker take and lay them level. 22 
 
 22 The poker take and lay them level. 
 
 Please not to imagine that I would be understood to 
 recommend this " retort courteous" in the most unqualified 
 sense, or that it be exercised on every occasion. On the 
 contrary, the due performance of it will require no small 
 degree of prudence and discretion. Indeed, I would have 
 you use the fioker, or any other violent and weighty argu 
 ments of this kind, only when your antagonist happens to 
 be a woman, a child, or some debilitated and cowardly 
 wretch who will submit without any chance of your meet 
 ing with unpleasant resistance. 
 
 As to the justice of this mode of response, there exists 
 no doubt, and therefore dread no decisions in foro con- 
 because the extreme heinousness of your adver- 
 
192 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 From Haygarth, borrowing a rare hint, 
 Tell how these tractors, tis apparent, 
 The most insidious thing in nature, 
 Will e en bewitch the operator! 23 
 
 saries* provocation will appear from the following con 
 sideration. To deprive you of an argument, for which 
 you havt sacrificed every thing dear to obtain, must, con 
 fessedly, be regarded as a most outrageous proceeding. 
 Now, this is exactly the case in the present instance ; for 
 in your attempt to show that medical men believe and 
 trust in no medicine, the modus o/ierandi of which they do 
 not comprehend, you make a sacrifice of truth, decency, 
 and common sense, the full reward of which sacrifice you 
 ought to enjoy unmolested. That no man can explain 
 how mercury cures the syphilis, bark an intermittent fe 
 ver, or opium produces sleep, is confessed by every medi 
 cal author ; and that all these should be used in our prac 
 tice, without any hesitation, I never heard any person 
 deny, and for this proper and substantial reason ; their 
 administration is firojitable to the faculty. I have there 
 fore to repeat, that when the Perkinites complain of your 
 rejecting the use of the tractors, because their modus ofie- 
 randi cannot be entirely explained, although you adopt 
 the use of drugs, the operation of which is equally or more 
 inexplicable, your sacrifice in support of your ground is 
 so great, that whoever attempts to drive you from such 
 ground deserves to be laid low with the first weapon that 
 comes to hand. 
 
 2 3 Will e en bewitch the operator. 
 
 No part of the learned doctor s management, in the 
 anti-Perkinistick cause, merits higher eulogy than this 
 most rational explanation of that most irrational practice. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER* 193 
 
 Will break down reason s feeble fences, 
 And play the deuce with our five senses ! 
 
 So cogently does an innate principle of equity control me, 
 that I am absolutely coerced to offer, at the shrine of the 
 heroick doctor, my tributary dole of the incense of admira 
 tion, for having presented our profession such a powerful 
 knock-me-down argument, wherewith to buffet the com 
 mon enemy. 
 
 The sagacious doctor having published a scientifick 
 treatise against the tractors, demonstrating that " they act 
 on the patients imagination," Perkins, came out in reply, 
 with all the fury of an Irish rebel, and declared that the 
 doctor deserved to be trounced for not suffering his readers 
 to know, that the tractors pretended to cure infants and 
 brute animals, though numerous cases to that effect had 
 then been published ; and in that reply proclaimed that Dr. 
 H. purposely endeavoured to suppress such facts, that he 
 might, with greater facility, induce the publick to swallow 
 the deductions drawn from his magical manoeuvres in the 
 Bath and Bristol hospitals, Now, admitting the doctor 
 managed in this way, I am sure he was perfectly right 
 in so doing. The end in view, according to established 
 principles of modern morality, will ever justify the means 
 taken to accomplish that end. In this case, the end in. 
 view was most important nothing less than the downfall 
 of Perkinism, and the consequent aggrandizement of our 
 profession. Should any of our opponents be so captious 
 as to assert, that such principles and such motives of action, 
 should not be encouraged in society that they have a 
 pernicious tendency, and other nonsense of that sort, I 
 must take the liberty to refer them to the first consul of 
 the French republick, whose conduct has ever been mo 
 delled according to the principles above stated^ and who is 
 
 c f, 
 
194 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 And acts a part, so very scurvy, 
 They turn a man s brains topsy turvy ! 
 
 Will so bewilder and astound one, 
 They make a lame horse seem a sound one ! 
 Appear, with but three legs to wag on, 
 A Pegasus, or flying dragon ! ! 
 
 Then quote his lady s ECCHYMOSIS, 24 
 Which rose an inch from where her nose is ; 
 
 certainly the most powerful logician of the age, perfectly 
 able to confound those who shut their eyes against the 
 light of conviction. 
 
 But to revert to the doctor s treatise, and Perkins s im 
 pudent replication. The man who could raise the very 
 old gentleman himself, by the legitimate powers of ne 
 cromancy, was not so easily defeated. Accordingly he 
 returns to the charge in another edition admits the 
 existence of the numerous cases on infants, horses, &c. 
 but lays them all level with the following unanswerable 
 argument. " The proselytes of Perkinism having been 
 driven from every other argument, have, as a last resource, 
 alleged that the patent metallick tractors have removed the 
 disorders of infants and horses* Even this Jlimsy pretence 
 is capable of a satisfactory refutation. In these cases it is 
 not the patient^ but the observer, who is deceived by his own 
 imagination 1 ! 1" See Hay garth s book, page 40. Mirabilc 
 dictu ! 
 
 24 Then quote his lady s ECCHYMOSIS. 
 The celebrated story of the lady s ecchymosis comes 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 195 
 
 And was not bigger much, if any, 
 He states, than puny " silver penny. 
 
 handed down to your worships by five successive reporters. 
 The lady incog, who makes so cons/iicuous a figure in Dr. 
 Haygarth s narration, told another lady, who told a medical 
 friend of Dr. H. who told Dr. Caustick, who tells your 
 worships this important anecdote. Now as - in the mul 
 titude of counsellors there is safety" so in a multitude of 
 reporters there is certainty. But to the story ; which I 
 shall give in the language of Dr. H. s medical friend afore 
 said. 
 
 " A lady informed me, that a lady of her acquaintance, 
 who had great faith in the efficacy of the tractors, on seeing 
 a small ecchymosis, about the size of a silver penny, at the 
 corner of the eye, desired to try on it the effect of her 
 favourite remedy. The lady, who was intended to be the 
 subject of the trial, consented, and the other lady produced 
 the instruments, and, after drawing them four or five times 
 over the spot, declared that it changed to a paler colour ; 
 and on repeating the use of them a few minutes longer, 
 that it had almost vanished, and was scarcely visible, and 
 departed in high triumph at her success. I was assured 
 by the lady who underwent the operation, that she looked 
 in the glass immediately after, and that not the least visi 
 ble alteration had taken place ! !" (From Haygarih s book, 
 page 40.) 
 
 I had determined to exert my influence in all the medi 
 cal societies, that the above case be read at the opening of 
 each meeting, until there should not be left of the tractors, 
 in this island, " a wreck behind." But a far better plan of 
 Dr. H. himself has precluded the necessity of this mea 
 sure, which was to announce in all the advertisements of 
 his book in the publick papery that " it explains why the 
 
196 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Twas then assail d, with courage hearty, 
 By juggling wench of Perkins party, 
 And soon, to her beconjur d eyes, 
 Jt seemed a thousandth part its size* 
 
 " And now," quoth she, " I scarce can view it, 
 These tractors are the things that do it ; 
 
 disorders of infants and horses are said to have been 
 cured by the tractors." See his daily advertisements in 
 the papers. 
 
 Indeed, I am at a loss which to admire most, the pretty 
 fanciful relation above cited, which is all the new edition of 
 the doctor s treatise against the tractors contains to justify 
 the assertion in the advertisements before mentioned, or 
 his singular skill in constructing such a fabrick on this 
 foundation. Did I possess the talents of the doctor in the 
 advertising department, I should announce this my pithy 
 performance to the publick, by publishing in all the pa 
 pers, that the price of the tractors was, in consequence 
 of Dr. Caustick s opposition fallen to the price of old iron, 
 and Perkins s pamphlets having been proscribed by phy 
 sicians, were condemned, and actually burnt by the hang 
 man on execution -day, at the Old Bailey, in the pre 
 sence of every individual of the college of physicians, 
 and half the citizens of London, 
 
 I would beg leave to add to this incomparable Hay- 
 garthian demonstration an argument of my own, which 
 I think is not less powerful. It is impossible that these 
 tractors should perform any real cure, as they act solely on 
 the imagination either of the patient or the operator. But 
 cures performed by the power of imagination must be 
 imaginary cures, that is, no cures at all> 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 197 
 
 Oh la ! I vow, it s taken flight, 
 And vanish d fairly out of sight." 
 
 But madam Hoaxhoax, in her glass, 
 Beholding what it truly was, 
 Exclaim d, " my last new wig I ll burn up, 
 If tis not bigger than a turnip ! ! !" 
 
 In publick papers, more s his glory, 
 The doctor advertis d this story ; 
 And you ll confound the tractoring folks 
 By Haygarth s tale of lady Hoax. 25 
 
 2 5 By Haygarth s tale of lady Hoax. 
 
 It is not true, as some sagacious coffee-house politicians 
 have asserted, that maclame Hoax (or more correctly 
 double Hoax) is the wife of a Chinese Mandarin, settled 
 on the mountains of the Moon, in Abyssinia, for the pur 
 pose of ascertaining the influence of imagination in the 
 cure of diseases. No, gentlemen, she is a baroness of true 
 English breed, more sturdy than a Semiramis, a Pen- 
 thesilea, or a Joan of Arc, and will prove, in our cause, 
 a championess of pre-eminent prowess. Should your 
 worships wish for further acquaintance with this lady, 
 which in my opinion would be for your mutual advantage, 
 you will take the trouble to inquire at my garret, No. 299, 
 Dyot street, St. Giles s (having removed from my former 
 place of residence, third floor, 327, Grub street, with a 
 view of being nearer my friend, sir Joseph, in Soho square) 
 and her address shall be at your service. 
 
198 MODERN PHILOSOPHER, 
 
 Tell one more tale from ancient sages, 
 About the wondrous chain of ages, 
 
 I am now preparing a most awful tragedy for Drury 
 lane theatre (Mr Sheridan s approbation being already ob 
 tained) to be entitled and called, the DREADFUL DOWN 
 FALL or TERRIBLE TRRCTORIZING CONFOUNDED CON 
 JURATION ; in which I propose to introduce a new song, 
 that I have no doul>t will be so celebrated as to be the 
 theme of every ballad-singer in the metropolis. I cannot 
 forbear anticipating some small share of that applause, 
 which I have reason to suppose will be filled on Dr Caus- 
 tick, as soon as he is publickly known, as the author of such 
 an inimitable production, by obliging your worships with 
 a part of the chorus to the song aforesaid. 
 
 Come now let us coax 
 Hay garth and Dame Hoax, 
 Like true hearts of oaks, 
 To crack off their jokes, 
 While dreading their strokes, 
 Those sheep-hearted folks, 
 The tractoring Perkinites, quiver ; 
 
 O may they with knocks, 
 i{ And shivering shocks," 
 Pound their jackets and frocks, 
 Till dead as horse-blocks, 
 (O what a sad box !) 
 They re thrown in the docks, 
 Or, just like dead cats, in the river ! 
 
 This song is to be set to musick by Mr. Kelly in his very- 
 best style of pathos, sublimity, and crotchets, and to be de 
 lightfully demi-semi-quavered to the admiring audience by 
 Mrs. Billington. Then, if box, pit, and gallery, should not. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 199 
 
 Gold, silver, brass, but not a link, 
 Composed of copper, or of zinc. 
 
 That, as it ever was the curse 
 
 Of man to go from bad to worse, 
 
 This age (the thought might e en distract us) 
 
 Is that of vile tnetallick tractors ! 
 
 That your last sixpence you will bet all, 
 Ages will follow of worse metal, 
 Unless this wickedness you stop, 
 To sweepings of a black-smith s shop ! 
 
 Say that the devil never fails 26 
 To eat a tiger, stuff d with nails ; 
 
 una -voce, Nick Bottom-like, cry, " Encore ! Encore ! Let 
 her roar ! Let her roar ! Once more, once more ! Let the 
 squeak and the squall be swelled to a bawl, Dr. Caustick 
 will find the door 1 Find the door ! And never go there any 
 more ! ! 
 
 26 Say that the devil never fails. 
 
 This stanza contains a legendary tale, which I dare say 
 is as true, as that which commemorates a notable exploit of 
 St Dunstan in seizing old Satan, one dark night in the 
 tenth century, and wringing the nose of his infernal ma 
 jesty with a pair of red-hot blacksmith s pincers, which 
 made him roar and scold at such a rate, that he awakened 
 
200 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 With claws and head and hair on, munching 
 The savage creature at a luncheon ! 
 
 That one old woman, pain distracted, 
 This part of Satan over acted ; 
 In gulping tractors down, for med cines, 37 
 With such effect, that faith she s dead since. 
 
 Then make it plain, by quoting Greek, 
 That this old hag, of whom we speak, 
 More brass and iron took in one day, 
 Than satan all the week, with Sunday. 
 
 But should the publick turn deaf ear to t, 
 Tell them that I know who will swear to t ; 
 
 and terrified all the good people of Glastenbury and its 
 neighbourhood. 
 
 2 7 In gulping tractors down, for medicines. 
 
 An old lady of my acquaintance was actually advised by 
 an ingenious son of Galen, an apothecary, resident a few 
 miles north of London, to swallow tractors for an internal 
 complaint. If our profession were to follow this laudable 
 example, and force their patients to swallow them for pills, 
 and then give the publick a judiciour, detail of the terrible 
 consequences, ending with the death of the patients, Per- 
 kinism would sink into that contempt in the estimation of 
 the publick which it justly deserves. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 201 
 
 And testify the whole affair 
 Before his honour, the lord mayor ! 
 
 Say Perkinism was begotten 
 
 In wilds where science ne er was thought on, 28 
 
 28 In wilds where science ne er was thought on. 
 
 That is, in the United States of America, among In 
 dians and Yankees. You will find, gentlemen, much to 
 the purpose, relative to the state of science, where Per 
 kinism originated, in the Monthly Magazine of January, 
 1803, under the title of " animadversions on the present 
 state of literature and taste in the United States, com 
 municated by an English gentleman lately returned from 
 America." This gentleman gives information that the 
 Americans are wretchedly " d^mof-hand in science with 
 the Britons." Indeed, those transatlantick younkers ought, 
 in half a century, to have established universities and other 
 seminaries of learning, at least as old and respectable as 
 those of Oxford and Cambridge, and which should have 
 graduated as many students and produced as many great 
 men. As to the parsimonious spirit of Americans in en 
 couraging science (which this gentleman animadverts upon 
 with laudable indignation) it ought truly to be exclaimed 
 against by us Englishmen for the weighty reason follow 
 ing : Great Britain, " from time whereof the memory of 
 man runneth not to the contrary" (as judge Blackstone 
 says) hath starved some of her first poets ; such for instance- 
 as Butler, Otway, Chatterton, Dryden, Savage, Sec. Sec. 
 Sec. Sec. consequently (according to the same author) she 
 ought to enjoy the exclusive " customary firivilege" of in 
 flicting the horrours of starvation on the sons of the muses : 
 but it must be granted, for the honour of British mumfi- 
 
202 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 And had its birth and education 
 Quite at the fag end of creation ! 
 
 For rareeshow, to England smuggled, 
 That honest Christians, all bejuggled, 
 Might tamely suffer B. D. Perkins 
 To pick the pockets of their jerkins. 
 
 Say it was twinn d with monstrous mammoth, 29 
 And to go near it you d be d d loth, 30 
 
 cence, that the scientifick Herschel, in the decline of life, 
 as a reward for immortalizing his present majesty, by in 
 scribing GEORGIUM Sidus in the great folio of the heavens, 
 is allowed the enormous pension of 80/. per annum I ! 
 
 This instance of liberality r , in rewarding merit, has caused 
 me to suspend my animadversions relative to patronage 
 afforded men of real science in Great Britain, till I can dis 
 cover whether it be the absolute determination of my 
 countrymen to starve doctor Caustick. 
 
 2 $> Say it was twinn d with monstrous mammoth. 
 
 And must, of course, be a most terrible wild beast. 
 Ladies and gentlemen may form a tolerable idea of the 
 enormity of Perkinism, by viewing the skeleton of a mam 
 moth now exhibiting in Pall Mall, in the very place where 
 lately were to be seen those terrible caricatures of the 
 devil, Sec. under the appellation of FUSELI S MILTON GAL 
 LERY. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER, 203 
 
 Because it always eats poor sinners, 
 As I eat bread and cheese for dinners ! 
 
 Say that it is " monstrum horrendum /" 
 As great a plague as God could send em, 
 Moreover, tis " informe ingens!" 
 Brought up among the western Indians. 
 
 Go on then ; " lumen cui ademptum^ 
 A worse thing Satan never dreamt on ; 
 And sure your worships cannot urge ill, 
 Such classick matter all from Virgil. 
 
 Now when you ve duly blaz d about 
 These knock-down arguments, so stout, 
 
 so And to go near it you d be d d loth. 
 
 This manifesto, you will please to recollect, is the Ian- 
 guage of gentlemen physicians. Now it is well known 
 that you possess a privilege, sanctioned by long and in 
 variable practice, if not founded on act of parliament, to 
 enforce your sentiments by certain energetick expressions, 
 which, in the mouths of people of less consequence, would 
 be considered as very vulgar, and nearly allied to firofane 
 swearing. And since your worships ever most manfully 
 exercise this privilege to the full extent of its limits, the 
 present manifesto would have been extremely inapposite 
 and unnatural, had not an ornament of this kind been in 
 troduced. 
 

 204 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Perhaps the foe will topple under, 
 
 Like rotten gate-posts struck with thunder ! 
 
 But if the daring rebel rout 
 
 Should rashly strive to stand it out, 
 
 In following canto I ll disclose 
 
 How we ll proceed from words to blows* 
 

 CANTO IV. 
 
 GRAND ATTACK! 
 
 ARGUMENT. 
 
 Great Caustick finding logick sound 
 
 The conjuring crew will not confound, 
 
 Like an indignant hero blusters, 
 
 The MIGHTY ROYAL COLLEGE musters ; 
 
 Joins to your worships powerful phalanx 
 
 Death-doing" quacks, and men of all ranks ! 
 
 A bolder, and more desperate host, 
 
 Than jacobinick France can boast. 
 
 Then inarches to o erturn and knock dead 
 
 Each tractoring Perkinistick blockhead ; 
 
 Their INSTITUTION next attacking, 
 
 He sends them all to Satan packing ! 
 
 OUR foresaid MANIFESTO first done, 
 Which shows our cause a good and just one ; 
 The boldest sons of Galen call on, * 
 That they with fire and fury fall on ! 
 
 J The boldest sons of Galen call on. 
 
 I say the boldest ; for we cannot rely on the aid of the 
 whole Esculapian phalanx. Many white-livered dastards 
 
206 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Sound Discord s jarring tocsin louder, 
 Than Howard s fulminating powder : 2 
 
 who disgrace our profession have shown a disposition to 
 remain neuter, or fight under Perkinean banners ! 
 
 2 Than Howard s fulminating powder. 
 
 It is a long time since the publick have had any refloats 
 from the honourable Mr. Howard s fulminating powder, 
 which, three years since, made so much noise, that the 
 world had reason to expect that the thunderiferous chymist 
 would make no more of exploding to old Nick a whole 
 army of Frenchmen, with Buonaparte atits head, than would 
 a cockney sportsman of shooting a tame goose on the first 
 of September. 
 
 Whether this mighty affair is all blown ufi, or what may 
 have been the cause of the siltnce of those who defended a 
 thing which so loudly proclaimed its own merits, it be 
 comes Mr. Howard to explain. 
 
 Of this he may be assured, if he do not stir his stumps in 
 order to fulfil some of the fair promises which he and his 
 friends have made to the Royal Society and the publick, of 
 the astonishing achievements they were about to perform, 
 by the demi-omnipotent power of his new invented artificial 
 thunder, I hereby give the alarming intelligence that I * ill 
 apply my own superiour talents to this sonorous subject. 
 Should that happen,- those laurels which were designed to 
 decorate the brow of Mr. Howard will be tied in a bow 
 knot round my venerable temples. For, in that case, the 
 learned chymist s acquisitions, in the art of intonation^ 
 will bear no better comparison to those of Dr. Caustick, 
 than the clattering wagon-wheels of Salmoneus to the 
 world-astounding thunderbolts of Jupiter. No person 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 207 
 
 Then into battle like brave men go, 
 
 Who late were " kill d off," at Marengo. 3 
 
 can doubt my being able to accomplish all this, who is 
 apprized, as he may be from perusing this performance, 
 of the vast quantity of the most detonating kind of mer 
 cury which exists in my composition, and which will 
 fulminate with greater effect, than the gold and silver that 
 line the magmp jtent purse of the honourable the heir c/z- 
 fiarent to the duke of Norfolk. 
 
 3 Kill d off," at Marengo. 
 
 I have several times taken a confounded deal of trouble 
 to haul into my poem this beautiful specimen of parlia 
 mentary elocution ; and, in my opinion, nothing can be 
 better imagined or more happily accomplished. Poetry 
 and oratory, as the ancients inform us, were both whelfied 
 at one litter ; consequently the same phrase which glittered 
 in the harangue of my bull-baiting friend, William Wind- 
 ham, a British senator, cannot fail to cut a dash in the 
 stanza of his seraphical friend, Christopher Caustick, a 
 British poet. 
 
 Now, as I am a great admirer of French principles, 
 and that new and accommodating kind of morality, by 
 Frenchmen discovered, and which I ever have and ever 
 will eulogize, to the utmost extent of my faculties, per 
 haps your worships will express no small degree of won 
 derment why I should be the intimate friend of a gentle 
 man, the blaze of whose oratory, one would suppose, 
 would have blasted Buonaparte, and even singed the whole 
 French republick. But those who are admitted behind 
 the political curtain will perceive that the tendency of the 
 measures which Mr. Windham supports is to promote 
 
208 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 But choose a chief before you start, 
 A bully bold as Buonapart ; 
 And to make sure of well succeeding, 
 Another chap like Charles of Sweden. 
 
 Step forth thou POTENT PRINCE OF PUFFERS ! 
 Thou modern Hercules of Huffers ! 
 Whose name, as Sternhold us d to say, 
 Will ring " for ever and a day ;" 
 
 For thou canst sound (a thing the oddest, 
 Since an arch quaker should be modest, 
 And never meddle with a strumpet) 4 
 Thine own great name on Fame^s brass trumpet. 
 
 And soon that name s continuous roar 
 Shall roll sublime from shore to shore ; 
 Among th antipodes, be known, 
 And blaze through either frozen zone. 5 
 
 those Jacobinic k principles, of which Dr. Caustick openly 
 and honestly professes himself to be the determined pro 
 pagator and defender. 
 
 4 And never meddle with a strumfief. 
 
 Surely, no person will imagine that I would, for the 
 world, allude to any other lady than madam Fame herself. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 209 
 
 No more shall merciless reviewers 
 Stick full of satire s savage skewers 
 The mighty chief of whom I m boasting, 
 As one would spit a goose for roasting. 6 
 
 5 And blaze through either frozen zone. 
 
 I have very substantial reasons for spreading glad tidings 
 of our redoubtable chieftain among the most distant inha 
 bitants of the globe, in preference to endeavouring to add 
 to his great celebrity " within the periphery of his as 
 sociates." And, whereas it has been said that this gen 
 tleman s reputation will ever stand highest where he is 
 either not known at all, or known only by those literary 
 productions, in which he is himself the theme of his 
 own most " ardent praise," mine shall be the humble 
 task of trumpeting the doctor s name among the distant 
 inhabitants of this dirty planet ; while the doctor shall him 
 self " dip his pen in ethereal and indelible ink, and im 
 press his observations in characters legible in the great 
 volume of the heavens." 
 
 6 As one would spit a goose for roasting. 
 
 True it is, though " passing strange," that a great and 
 good man, composed, as he himself can attest, of the very 
 essence of humanity, is often most vilely, most audaciously, 
 and most atrociously bespattered by a set of saucy re 
 viewers. 
 
 Those wicked wits, the writers in the Monthly and Cri 
 tical Reviews, especially the latter, in a critique on one of 
 the late works of a certain doctor of Mangel Wurzel me 
 mory, tells us that " the importance of a man to himself 
 was never more conspicuous than in this publication. Dr. 
 Lettsom admits that he has been anticipated by several dis- 
 E e 
 
210 MODERN PHILOSOPHER* 
 
 For should they raise with dire misprision, 
 Gainst thee one finger in derision ; 
 
 tinguished authors ; but modestly hints that some of his 
 particular friends will form no opinion [respecting the 
 eow-pox] till they have ascertained his sentiments." They 
 then have the audacity to declare, that " he merits no 
 slight punisment for his pompous inflated language, for 
 his fulsome flattery, and ridiculous exaggeration of every 
 part of the subject.** 
 
 See how they speak of a late publication of the doctor 
 on certain charitable institutions : <c Unless to connect 
 these different institutions, to lead the different radii to a 
 centre, while that centre is the author and the editor, who 
 can boast, Qua ifise misserima "uicli, et quorum pars magna 
 full we see little advantage in this edition. We mean not 
 to intimate the slightest disapprobation of these institu 
 tions, or of humanity in general ; but when we see pomp 
 and egotism assuming its garb, when vanity and ostenta 
 tion occasionally peep from beneath the robe, we feel no 
 little disgust from comparing the fascinating exterior 
 \yith the unpleasing contents," Sec. They likewise have 
 the impudence to assert, that some of the doctor s plans 
 are " better suited to the superstition of a Hindoo, than 
 to the nature of a rational Christian." And in another re 
 view they declare : " We mean not to stoop to any ; but 
 \vfll tell Dr. Lettsom his faults" (consummate assurance ! !) 
 as well as any other author ; nor will we conceal that mean 
 mark of a little mind, overweening vanity. We saw it 
 in its germ, have watched its opening bud, till it is ex 
 panded into its blossom. The literary life of Dr. L 
 
 may well be styled the progress of vanity : the termination 
 is yet to come : but we have ample materials for the subi 
 ject." See Monthly Review, of July, and Critical Review 
 of Sept. 1802, and Feb. 1803. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 211 
 
 This right hand rudest doggrel s club in, 
 Shall give the knaves a dreadful drubbing. 
 
 But thou, the leader of our throng, 
 Shalt glitter in a future song, 
 Which I intend to raise sonorous, 
 And QJJACK ! QJJACK ! ! QUACK ! ! ! shall he the 
 chorus. 
 
 Then, had I money, I would bet some, 
 And faith HI do it (when I get some) 
 One half a guinea, sirs (a net sum) 
 They ll fall before great doctor Lettsom. 7 
 
 7 They ll fall before great doctor Lettsom. 
 
 I resolved to recommend your arranging yourselves un 
 der the banners of this Leviathan of the Galenical throng, 
 from the moment I first heard of his noble and spirited 
 sally against the tractors. Disdaining the wretched tram 
 mels of why and wher -ej "or <?, and without assigning those 
 paltry trifles, called reasons^ for his opinions, on the me 
 rits of Perkinism, our intrepid commander determined to 
 extirpate it root and branch, with his simple ifise dixit. 
 This is what we ought to expect from a hero of such 
 prowess. See how well he manages these metallick 
 makers of mischief I In a eulogium (a very agreeable 
 thing to a modest man during his life time) on his friend 
 Dr. Hay garth, contained in the work which those wicked 
 reviewers above mentioned have treated so irreverently, 
 he mentions (page 277) the important object," which 
 
212 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Thou too, fam d KNIGHT OF HORRID FIGURE ! 
 With wig than bushel-basket bigger ; 
 
 Dr. Haygarth has so " happily effected" This is " arrest 
 ing and subduing two poisons, the most fatal to the human 
 race (fever and small-pox) and unveiling imposture, 
 clothed in the meretricious garb of bold quackery :" a 
 note on the word " imfosture" in the margin says, " Ex* 
 periments on metallick tractors." Now, unless I can bor 
 row the pen of the learned doctor, dipped in " ETHEREAL 
 and indelible ink" and a whole literary apparatus in pro 
 portion, I shall never be able to express how much I ad 
 mire the matter above quoted, on account of the important 
 intelligence therein contained. Before Dr. L. asserted it } 
 I dare say not an individual in the kingdom knew that 
 Dr. Haygarth had " effected" such an " important object," 
 that fever and small-pox were subdued, altogether extinct, 
 despoiled of that venom which has hitherto " brought death 
 into the world," and so much wo. But true it is, they are 
 quite extirpated, and all this by Dr. Haygarth ! ! One cannot 
 but exclaim against the perverseness of those members of 
 parliament who, regardless of this news from Dr. L. voted a 
 reward to Dr. Jenner for his services in subduing the small 
 pox, and to Dr. Smith, for his discoveries in subduing conta 
 gious fevers In short, I am almost ready to enforce the 
 charge of ignorance against my brethren in the profession; 
 for I have not yet met with one possessed of sufficient pene 
 tration to see, that neither fever nor small-pox " has a 
 local habitation and a name among us," and that they 
 have been both " subdued" and all this u effected and 
 by Dr. Haygarth ! 
 
 Now, to the latter part of our quotation, " unveiling 
 imposture, clothed in the meretricious garb of bold 
 quackery," This sentence, frqm p. 277, presents us the 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 213 
 
 Which, in its orbit vast, contains, 
 At least a thimble full of brains ; 
 
 whole proof of this " imposture. * Not another syllable 
 on the tractors will be found in the body of the work. 
 In the index) however, mention is made of the sub 
 jects discussed in the book, among which subjects, is 
 the following : " Imposture of the Metallick Trac 
 tors," page 277 !!! But this, as before intimated, 
 was quite sufficient for a gentleman of such scientifick 
 pre-eminence. Why should he trouble himself to search 
 for reasons, when he is sure to be believed, " within the 
 periphery of his associates," although he has no reasons 
 to give ? 
 
 I must here be indulged in adducing an instructive dia 
 logue which actually took place, not many weeks since, 
 between a renowned physician, of the name of Dr. LEI- 
 THERHEAD, and a gentleman, who was no physician at 
 all, whom I shall call Mr. ROWLAND. 
 
 Mr. Rowland. What is your opinion, Dr. Leatherhead, 
 of the metallick tractors ? 
 
 Dr. Leatherhead. Why I ll tell thee, friend Rowland ; 
 I think them as gross an imposition as ever was at 
 tempted. 
 
 Mr. R. But, doctor, have you read the different cases 
 which have been published ? Can you believe that such 
 characters would give their names to false statements ? 
 
 Dr. L. These tractors, thee may be assured, friend R. 
 jiever performed a cure in the world. Tis all trash all 
 nonsense all imagination and none but fools and knaves 
 are among their supporters. 
 
214 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Come en, with lion heart, like Hector, 
 And phiz resembling monkey s spectre ; 
 
 Mr. R. How has Perkins become possessed of the cases 
 he has published ? 
 
 Dr. L. Oh ! that I can tell thee, very easily, friend R. 
 
 Ar. R. Certainly. 
 
 Dr. L. Well ; as he could neither read nor write, he 
 kept two men in constant employ, one to write his cases, 
 and one to swear to them. Some times, to be sure, a few 
 guineas were scattered about -Strange things these guineas 
 are, friend R. ha ? Now friend R. can thee any longer 
 query how Perkins comes by his cases ? ha ! ha 1 ha ! 
 
 Mr. R. Have you ever seen, doctor, any of the publica 
 tions of Mr. Perkins ? 
 
 Dr. L. Not I, truly. Knowing they could contain no 
 thing but lies, I should have been but ill employed ia 
 poring over such trash. 
 
 Mr. R. Did you ever see the tractors ? 
 
 Dr. L. No, nor ever wish to see them ; they are 
 
 Mr. R. (raising his voice, and taking a set of the trao,- 
 tors from his pocket) Hear me, Sir ! Can you pretend to 
 any credit as an honest physician, as a man of humanity, 
 when sordid self interest and disgraceful prejudice impel 
 you to shut your eyes against investigation, lest conviction 
 should follow? I am ashamed of your conduct. The 
 facts in favour of the metallick practice are supported by 
 testimony as honourable and disinterested as England can 
 produce. Your hint that they are forgeries, or that they 
 have been purchased, implies a supposition of depravity 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 215 
 
 Prepare the batteries of thy journal, 
 To blast with infamy eternal, 
 
 among men, which, let me tell you, sir, reflects not very 
 favourably on the -virtue of the source whence the idea 
 originated. With this set of tractors (holding them out 
 to view) I have cured above thirty indigent poor, and not 
 by the power of imagination, but by the power of the 
 tractors. 
 
 Dr. L. (in a tone of wonderful complacency and humi 
 lity) Really, friend R. what thee says gives me great satis 
 faction. I always knew thee to be a very sensible man, 
 and the information that thee afifiroves of the metallick 
 tractors entirely changes my opinion of them. Before 
 thee took them out of thy pocket, I thought thee had no 
 belief in them. They certainly must be a very pleasant 
 remedy, and incapable of doing harm ; and as for myself, 
 I am such a friend to humanity, I shall ever be ready to 
 stand forward in support of every thing which can benefit 
 the publick. It really does my heart good to hear of the 
 services the tractors are now doing my poor afflicted fellow 
 creatures, for whom my bowels have so often yearned. I 
 am sure I shall be one of the greatest friends of Perkinism 
 in England: so farewell friend R. (Exit Dr. L. as pale as 
 ashes.) 
 
 In this dialogue I think there is great instruction. In 
 case any of our Olivers chance to meet with a Rowland, 
 and are involved in difficulties like those which threatened 
 this champion? they may here learn the true way of be 
 coming " all things to all men, * and sneak out of the 
 scrape to very little disadvantage : for though I would by 
 no means advise a retreat, where there is the least chance 
 of success in fighting (which chance dicj not exist in this 
 
216 MODERN PHILOSOPHER* 
 
 In medical societies pour 
 
 Forth all thy wonted learned lore : 
 
 case, for Rowland was preparing himself to give Leather- 
 head a most terrible threshing, had he not yielded) still 
 
 " He who fights and runs away, 
 May live to fight another day ;" 
 
 and the doctor escaping with a whole skin is now left alive 
 and mighty to assail the supporters of Perkinism in a 
 more cautious but not less decisive manner. 
 
 8 Prepare the batteries of thy journal. 
 
 Here I can, with certainty, calculate on the most power 
 ful cooperation. This , what shall I call it ? This 
 
 official Gazette of the profession this Medico-Chymico- 
 CoTw/co-Repository, for the effusions of self-puffers, pre 
 scribing rules and recipes, 
 
 " How best to fill his purse, and thin the town," 
 
 this powerful instrument of offensive and defensive warfare 
 has ever, with becoming vigilance, guarded its post against 
 Perkinean invaders, and suffered no occasion to pass, with 
 out a squirt of the Gallick acid of satire, when there was 
 deemed a possibility of blackening the common enemy. 
 
 I can never sufficiently express my approbation of the 
 Carthaginian cunning with which this journal has been 
 conducted. Dr. B. professing great impartiality, in an 
 early number (see vol. ii. p. 85) invited communications 
 on the subject of the tractors. Subsequent management 
 evidently showed a slight omission in the doctor s notice, 
 and that he meant communications on one side only j for he 
 has omitted no pains to procure and publish whatsoever 
 could be suggested against the tractors : but though re- 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 217 
 
 Tell the vile deeds by quackery done, 
 By every nostrum, save thine own. 9 
 
 ports of cases in tlieir favour, and all the publications of 
 the patentee have been before him, not a syllable of these 
 was ever noticed by that gentleman ; neither has it evr 
 appeared by his journal that such facts ever existed ! 
 
 9 By every nostrum, save thine own. 
 
 I appeal to any of my brethren who have been gratified, 
 as 1 often have been, with the Demosthenes-like torrent 
 which has been so frequently poured forth* in our medical 
 societies, by this " child and champion" of the Galenical 
 throng, against quackery and all its appurtenances, whether 
 it were fair to surmise, as some unconscionable rogues 
 have done, that Dr. B. has absolutely himself become the 
 proprietor of a quack medicine. The fire of eloquence 
 with which Perkinism, that most atrocious kind of 
 quackery, has been so frequently, and so effectually as 
 sailed by the learned doctor at the medical society, at 
 Guy s, the Lyceum Medico Londinensis> &c. &c. &c. 
 ought to have ensured Dr. B. so much of the gratitude of 
 the profession, that, although he should himself choose to 
 become one of the most arrant quacks in the kingdom, he 
 might depend on your support of his reputation, and your 
 exertions to uphold him. No subsequent apostasy on his, 
 part, I maintain, will justify a dereliction of him. 
 
 Recall to your recollection, gentlemen, the denunciations 
 lie has so often made against every medical practitioner 
 who should presume, either directly or indirectly, to offer 
 any patronage to remedies which bore even the most 
 distant resemblance to a nostrum. How often have the 
 walls of the medical theatres of Saint Thomas s hospital, 
 and Windmill street, echoed loud responses to his declama- 
 
 Ff 
 
218 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 For thou didst play the hero rarely, 
 At Westminster, when routed fairly ; 
 
 tions against the varlets, who should dare to recommend 
 means, in the profits of the consumption of which the 
 whole profession could not participate ? How often have 
 you received his invitations to send him your effusions and 
 declamations against quackery, to receive an efficient pub 
 lication in his journal ? and what number of that journal has 
 appeared, without performing his promise, by honouring 
 those effusions with a place in its immortal pages ? 
 
 Lest even these most important considerations should 
 still find you inexorable, I trust I can show, by examining 
 his conduct in regard to the quack medicine in question, 
 that, if it be not praise-worthy, it is, at least, defensible. 
 
 The title of the nostrum which has had the assistance of 
 Dr. B. in being introduced to the notice of a grateful pub- 
 lick is " A NEW MEDICINE FOR THE aout." The pre- 
 tended discoverer of this specifick is, for very commend 
 able, or, which is the same thing, very prudent reasons, 
 kept behind the curtain. I wish, however, to express my 
 utter disbelief that either Dr. Brodum or Dr. Solomon is 
 the happy mortal, however similar the style of the pam 
 phlet, announcing this new medicine, may be to their 
 erudite writings, and the pretensions of the said medicine 
 to " balms of Gilead" and to " nervous cordials." That 
 neither of these gentlemen is the person at present incog, 
 who invented Dr. B/s new nostrum aforesaid, appears to 
 me evident for three substantial reasons. 
 
 1. Drs. Brodum and Solomon have never shrunk from 
 a free exposure of their names, or evinced an inclination to 
 enjoy the emoluments of empiricism, without openly and 
 boldly coming forward to endure the stigma which is ever 
 its inseperable companion. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 219 
 
 Thy genius show d such vast resources, 
 Gainst Belgraves, Colquhouns, Wilberforces ! 
 
 2. They have never declined the publick sale of their 
 nostrums in the shops, nor pretended to offer it to the pub- 
 Uck without a remuneration ; whereas, in the present in 
 stance, the nostrum is not sold at all in the shops ; but is 
 most generously given away, even two or three spoonfulls 
 at a time, by Dr. Bradley, to any person who will call on 
 him for advice^ and leave with him a guinea for that advicet. 
 
 3. Those two gentlemen, also, have never, honourably 
 and honestly, saved the commissioners of the stamp office 
 the trouble of collecting a revenue for government from 
 the consumption of their quack medicines, as none can be 
 collected on that which is given away. 
 
 But why do I labour to prove that which would be of no 
 moment, were the reverse of my opinion found to be the 
 fact, and that the medicine were in reality even the joint 
 property of that powerful trio, Brodum, Bradley, and Solo 
 mon, when I have a most conclusive and honourable docu 
 ment in favour of Dr. Bradley s honourable and consistent 
 conduct. This is no other than his letter to the unknown 
 proprietor of this blessing to the human race. Unfortunate 
 ly for the edification of your learned body, my limits will 
 not allow of the insertion of the whole of that precious 
 communication ; you will, therefore, please to treasure up 
 more eagerly the short extract I shall make. 
 
 The letter begins with a " sir" which scarcely leaves a 
 doubt that the happy mortal in question is not Mrs. Wil 
 liams, the conjuress. 
 
 " As I afifiro-ued of the manner in which you commenced 
 your trials of the virtues and efficacy of your gout medi- 
 
220 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Though hunted down, thou would st not yield ; 
 Though trodden on, didst keep the field. 
 
 cine, I can have no objection to giving an opinion on the 
 subject." 
 
 Now, could any thing have been more proper ? Provided 
 Dr. Bradley " approved" of the composition being kept a 
 secret, howevei disposed he may be to trample upon the 
 metallick tractors on that very account, he had an un 
 doubted right to express himself accordingly. I have 
 another incontestable proof of the doctor s incomprehensible 
 wisdom and discretion. He has ascertained that this in 
 ternal medicine, though powerful " is safe and innocent ;" 
 which peculiar virtue is not possessed by any other internal 
 medicine that ever was, and I fear, ever will be discovered 
 again, unless Dr. B. tries his skill a second time. " This 
 point," says the doctor, " I ascertained on first receiving 
 a supply of it from you, by taking it myself, and also by 
 administering it to the patients labouring under acute 
 rheumatism [so now the gout medicine will cure other dis 
 eases !] in which cases it always relieved pain, without pro 
 ducing any disagreeable effect on the constitution ! ! !" But 
 go on : " In acutely inflammatory and painful attacks of 
 the gout, I have never seen it fail to produce the desired 
 effect." (Vid. page 57.) Euge ! Euge ! Great doctor 
 Bradley ! 
 
 Let no half-sighted mortal, who is aware of the achieve 
 ments of this lordly chieftain and his imprecations so often 
 poured forth against every supporter of a nostrum, who 
 values among mankind that deportment, denominated CON- 
 siSTENCY r exclaim at this modest account of the virtues of 
 the present nostrum^ " HOW ARE THE MIGHTY FAL 
 LEN ! !" No ! But let him ponder well, and recollect, that 
 Bradley " is an honourable man, and so are they all, al! 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 221 
 
 Thus Witherington, in doleful dumps, 
 For lack of legs, fought stout on stumps I 
 
 And could st thou, pertinacious Bradley, 
 But maul these mutton heads most sadly, 
 -Soon might thy wig (the people staring) 
 All in a chariot take an airing ! " 
 
 honourable men," who have raised the standard of defiance 
 against the encroachments of Perkinism I 
 
 10 Gainst Belgraves, Colquhouns, Wilberforces ! 
 
 What business had these fellows to intrude their noses 
 into the concerns of the Westminster infirmary ? Brother 
 B. had an undoubted right to manage, or razsmanage, the 
 funds of a medical institution, as best suited his own con 
 venience, without their troublesome interference. 
 
 11 All in a chariot take an airing. 
 
 I hereby enter a protest against any one of my com 
 mentators, whether he be Vanscanderdigindich the elder, 
 or Hansvanshognosuch, his cousin German (two Dutch 
 geniuses, who have promised to furnish the next edition 
 of this my pithy poem with a whole ass-load of annota 
 tions) or any other gentlemen criticks or reviewers of 
 equal profundity, presuming to intimate, that I intend, by 
 this passage, the smallest disrespect to your fiedestrian 
 physicians. Far from that ; I know that many good and 
 great men (like myself, for example) cannot even pay a 
 shilling for hackney-coach hire. No, gentlemen ; I have 
 two great objects in view, to wit : 
 
 l . To encourage my brother B to persevere in his 
 
222 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Led on by chieftains so redoubted, 
 These vile Perkineans must be routed ; 
 
 laudable attempt to kick Perkinism back to the country 
 whence it originated, by reminding him, that if the feat were 
 once performed, he might, fierhafis, soon afford the ex 
 pense of a chariot to transport, in a respectable manner, 
 all that wig, without laying the entire burden on the cu 
 rious sconce it now envelops. 
 
 2. To remind brother B , and the profession in gene 
 ral, how much more execution may be done by a charioteer 
 than by a pedestrian physician. 
 
 Although great men frequently differ, I am happy to 
 find Mr. Addisorts opinion and nainey in this particular, 
 perfectly consentaneous. 
 
 " This body of men," says he, speaking of physicians 
 in our own country, " may be described like the British 
 army in Cesar s time. Some slay in chariots, and some 
 on foot. If the infantry do less execution than the cha 
 rioteers, it is because they cannot be carried, so soon, into 
 all parts of the town, and despatch so much business in 
 so short a time.* Spectator, No. 2 1 . 
 
 Not an individual, I will venture to assert, who knows 
 my brother B , but must feel the really urgent necessity 
 of elevating him, as soon as possible, from le fiave and 
 giving those talents their full swing. Then, indeed, soon 
 might our charioteer justly boast 
 
 " London, with all her passing bells, can tell, 
 By this right arm what mighty numbers fell. 
 Whilst others meanly ask d whole months to slay. 
 I oft despatch d the patient in a day. 
 With pen in hand, I push d to that degree, 
 T scarce had left a wretch to give a fee. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 223 
 
 Then, if in future people be sick, 
 They ll worship us, the gods of physick. 
 
 Why stand ye now, like drones, astounded, 
 The weapons of your warfare grounded ? 
 Arm d cap-h-pt, like heroes rush on, 
 And crush this reptile institution. 
 
 But first, to make the bigger bluster, 
 Join every quack that you can muster, 
 Some place in rear, and some in front on, 
 From Brodum down to gaseous Thornton. 
 
 Some fell by laudanum, and some by steel, 
 And death in ambush lay in every pill ; 
 For save, or slay, this privilege we claim, 
 Though credit suffers, the reward s the same." 
 
 11 From Brodum down to gaseous Thornton. 
 
 I am fully sensible that many of my brethren, of less 
 iliscernment than myself, would have assigned this famous 
 little genius a rank on the empirical list even above Dr. 
 Brodum. Making fluffing their criterion, they will argue 
 that those acute half-guinea paragraphs which we occa 
 sionally see at the fag end of the Times and other morn 
 ing papers, respecting that " very learned physician," 
 his c< great discoveries, and improvements in the medical 
 application of the gases," his "grand national and bo 
 tanical work," and fifty others of the same strain, asserting 
 the high claims of this airy writer on the gratitude of the 
 
224 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Now when the foe you first get sight on, 
 Shout 9 A IRA, and then rush right on ; 
 
 publick, are incontestable proofs of his superiour merits in 
 the puffing department, which, say they, are some of the 
 most necessary ingredients in the formation of a charla 
 tan. All this is specious reasoning ; but I trust I shall 
 show its fallacy. Pre-eminence, in my opinion, must be 
 founded on some intrinsick excellence, original and inde 
 pendent of adventitious circumstances. If we closely 
 examine the merits of this candidate, we shall find that 
 there can be no great claim on this score. Let any man 
 enjoy the facilities and advantages of a general dealer in 
 the airs, who must of course have puffs of all descriptions 
 at hand ; and where is the merit of occasionally letting off 
 ene? 
 
 If there be any thing like originality in this industrious 
 little philosopher, and for the invention of which I should 
 be inclined to allow him the credit of ingenuity, it con 
 sists in his meritometer, which proposes to measure the 
 merits of his fellow creatures by the degree of faith they 
 can afford to bestow on the infallibility of his gasses as a 
 panacea. See his plan of this instrument or rather the 
 deductions drawn from his trials of it, in his large five 
 volume compilation of" Extracts" vol. i. page 459. From 
 this scale it appears, that -^fa of mankind are either fools 
 or knaves, as that proportion places no confidence in the 
 efficacy of his catholicon. I hope, therefore, after the 
 good reasons here assigned for my conduct, I shall not be 
 suspected of partiality to Dr. Brodum in retaining him at 
 the head of the quacks, nor ill will to Dr. T. fer not calling 
 him up higher on the list. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 225 
 
 And make as terrible a racket, 
 As ever did a woman s clack yet, I3 
 
 J 3 As ever did a woman s clack yet. 
 
 Notwithstanding what Swift, and other gentlemen of the 
 order of Cynicks, have said or sung to the disparagement of 
 the fair sex, and notwithstanding the many rebuffs I have my 
 self received, whenever I have attempted to win the heart of 
 any divinityship, above the order of a Billingsgate lady, 
 still 1 had supposed the fair sex, although the weaker ves 
 sel, were entitled to a great share of our indulgence and 
 protection ; and could not of consequence so well discover 
 the motives actuating those philosophers who have en 
 deavoured to persuade us, that the fairer half of mankind 
 were made merely for the purpose of being a thorn in the 
 side of the other half. But my wife, as before intimated, 
 (page 53) being an intolerable scold, I have, at length, 
 become a complete woman hater, and have as great an 
 antipathy to a female as ever a toad had to a spider. 
 
 I have, however, formerly had so much experience in 
 love affairs, that for twenty years past, I have thought my 
 self amply qualified to set up for a sort of love casuist ; have 
 given much good advice respecting the best mode of ad 
 justing all affairs of the heart, and have acquitted myself 
 much to the satisfaction of those ladies and gentlemen, who 
 have consulted me on the occasion. 
 
 Now, as you are about to commence a most terrible com 
 bat, from which it is ten to one if one in ten of your ho 
 nourable body ever return alive, I could wish, out of the su 
 perabundance of my humanity, that you should enjoy life as 
 much as possible, before you are " killed off," or, as our 
 best modern philosophers (Dr. Darwin and others) would 
 
226 MODERN PHILOSOPHER, 
 
 For should you sound a loud alarum, 
 Perhaps you may so sadly scare e m, 
 
 have it, go to sleefi, and therefore regale you, for a moment 
 with certain love songs, which may be either said or sung 
 to the tune of Cupid forever. 
 
 One doctor De Squirt 
 
 Had married a flirt 
 Not quite half so old as himself, sir, 
 
 And she, though a beauty, 
 
 Still thought it her duty 
 To have him for sake of his pelf, sir 
 
 A neighbouring clerk 
 
 Spruce, handsome, and smirk, 
 A genteel and amorous blade, sir, 
 
 One night, it is said, 
 
 Found the way to his bed, 
 And the doctor a cuckold was made, sir. 
 
 When the doctor this heard 
 
 Revenge was the word, 
 To the younker a challenge he sent, sir, 
 
 To kill the young dog 
 
 As dead as a log 
 No doubt was his bloody intent, sir. 
 
 But the lusty young spark, 
 
 Was as fierce as a shark, 
 Swore he d be our Oliver s Rowland, 
 
 And that he intended 
 
 Ere the matter was ended 
 To lay him at full length below land- 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 227 
 
 Like frighted sheep, they ll huddle right in 
 The Old Nick s den, without much fighting. 
 
 The doctor first shot, 
 
 And kill him did not ; 
 Though the fellow had lain with his wife, sir, 
 
 The buck fir d so straight, 
 
 Though he miss d the man s pate, 
 He made him a cripple for life, sir. 
 
 Thus the doctor bought wit 
 
 But paid dear for it 
 As is, to be sure? not uncommon, 
 
 Found it not a good plan 
 
 For an old gentleman 
 To marry a pretty young woman. 
 
 The other song with which I shall oblige you is quite 
 a tid bit of sentimentality, and cannot fail to wonderfully 
 titillate your right worshipfuls* intellectual palates. 
 
 THE FORTUNE HUNTER. 
 
 A young buck married an 
 
 Old haggard harridan, 
 And all for the sake of her money, sir, 
 
 Quite toothless and shrivePd, 
 
 Like a witch that s bedevil d, 
 So he lov d her no better than honey, sir. 
 
 And now, having cash, sir, 
 
 He cut a great dash, sir, 
 And kept half a dozen sweet misses, 
 
 Who gave him great pleasure 
 
 In hours of his leisure, 
 But dearly he paid for their kisses. 
 
22$ MOBERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Just so a gang of Indian savages, 
 When they set out to make great ravages, 
 With war- whoop fright their foes (God help 5 em) 
 And then proceed to kill and scalp em. 
 
 But now, ere further we proceed, 
 To set forth every mighty deed, 
 
 With his horses and hounds 
 
 He dash d beyond bounds, 
 Was noted for vast hospitality, 
 
 And went to each rout 
 
 The country about, 
 And liv d with the lop of the quality. 
 
 There ne er was a squire 
 
 Drank more or liv d higher, 
 Till at thirty, without any doubt he 
 
 In looks was as old 
 
 As if fourscore he d told, 
 Besides being terribly gouty. 
 
 Thus through life he dances 
 
 Till all his finances 
 Wont purchase a dram for his whistle 
 
 He then makes a horrid 
 
 Great hole in his forehead 
 By help of an old borrow d pistol ! 
 
 This, gentlemen, is a specimen of my powers in the 
 sentimental, pathetick and love lorn : what succeeds in 
 this grand performance will be in regular gradation, from 
 the sublime to the dreadful, till I arrive at the acme of 
 the horrid, where I shall take leave of your worships with 
 all the sang froid imaginable. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER, 229 
 
 We must exchange (tho horrour stiffen ye) 
 Our Clio for a fell Tisiphone ! 
 
 For when we do these wretches batter, 
 Twill be no water gruel matter; 
 And you ll agree then, I assure ye, 
 My muse is well chang d for a fury. 
 
 Thou spite ! thou hag ! thou witch ! thou spectre ! 
 Friend Southey s crony and protector : 14 
 
 J 4 Friend Southey s crony and protector ! 
 
 Nothing but the most urgent necessity could have in 
 duced me to have formed any intimacy with the haggard 
 harridan, which my friend substituted for a muse, in giving 
 birth to the 9th book of his epick poem, called Joan of 
 Arc. Wishing for some kind of celestial influence (as 
 is customary on similar occasions) to assist in describing 
 the dreadful battle we are about to commence, I sought, 
 in due form, the aid of Apollo, the tuneful nine, Delia 
 Crusca s " GENIUS OR MUSE," and all the gods, goddessess, 
 entities, or nonentities, who were ever known to lift a poor 
 poet from the bathos of profundity to the hufisos of 
 sublimity. But not one of their deityships would risk his 
 or her neck and reputation in our perilous rencontre. I 
 was, of course, driven as my denier resort, to this old fury. 
 
 If your worships have any ambition for a further ac 
 quaintance with this poetical non-descript, you will turn to 
 the aforesaid 9th book of " Joan of Arc ," and between the 
 20th and 40th lines, you will find a " female * guiding a 
 " crazy vessel" with a " spread sail before the wind," " that 
 
230 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Who led st the bard, with Joan of Arc, 
 Through death s deep, dreary, dungeon dark ! 
 
 Until ye were, I dare be bound, 
 Near half a mile down under ground ; 
 Mid screeching ghosts and dragons dreadful, 
 As e er fill d dreaming madman s head full ! 
 
 And, after mighty perils past, 
 On Terra Firma, got at last, 
 
 moans melancholy mournful to her" (Joan of Arc s) " ear, 
 as ever by the dungeon d wretch was heard howling at 
 evening, round the embattled towers of that hell-house of 
 France 1" Examine this female more minutely (if you 
 are not already frightened out of your senses) and you will 
 perceive that " wan her face is, and her eyes hollow, and 
 her sunk cheeks are furrowed deep, channelled, by tears ; 
 a few grey locks, hang down beneath her hood ; and the 
 night breeze passing, lifting her tattered mantle, discloses 
 a serpent gnawing at her heart." Then, if pleased with 
 this specimen of the horrible, your worships, the right 
 honourable the members of the royal college of physicians, 
 may step, into the < crazy vessel" aforesaid, and proceed 
 with BARD, HAG, and JOAN aforesaid, and, you will soon 
 be introduced to giant " DESPAIR," with " eye large and 
 rayless ; blue flames on his face, with a death cold touch, 
 &c." But as for myself, however honoured I should feel, 
 on all other occasions, with your worships company, after 
 wishing your good worships a stiff breeze, I must beg 
 leave to be off. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER, 231 
 
 Didst dub thy jacobin toad eater 
 The " Thalaba" of English metre. 1 
 
 5 The Thalaba of English metre. 
 
 Mr. Southey, in his work with the title of " Thalaba or 
 the Destroyer," has given us a fine example of a pleasing 
 dreadful performance, which is neither prose, rhyme, nor 
 reason. Indeed, nothing but the inspiration of the gas 
 which we have seen him inhale in the first canto could have 
 generated the following effusions. 
 
 " A Teraph stood against the cavern side, 
 
 A new born infant s heady 
 That Khawla at his hour of death had seized, 
 
 And from the shoulders wrung. 
 It stood upon a plate of gold, 
 An unclean spirit s name inscribed beneath : 
 The cheeks were deathy dark, 
 Dark the dead skin upon the hairless skull ; 
 
 The lips were bluey pale ; 
 
 Only the eyes had life, 
 
 They gleamed with demon light.* 
 
 Book ii. 
 Again he towers in book v. 
 
 " There where the narrowing chasm 
 Rose loftier in the hill, 
 
 Stood Zohak, wretched man, condemned to keep 
 His cave of punishment. 
 His was the frequent scream 
 Which far away the prowling Chacal heard, 
 And howled in terrour back. 
 Far from his shoulders grew 
 Two snakes of monster size 
 
232 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 And set the bard to brew a mess 
 Of horrour in a wilderness, 
 
 That ever at his head 
 
 Aimed eager their keen teeth 
 To satiate raving hunger with his brain. 
 He in the eternal conflict oft would seize 
 Their swelling necks, and in his giant grasp 
 Bruise them, and rend their flesh with bloody nails, 
 
 Anu howl for agony, 
 Feeling the pangs he gave, for of himself 
 Inseparable parts his torturers grew." 
 
 Now, if in this age of turmoils your worships should 
 have occasion to educate a school of assassins, to be em 
 ployed as Talleyrand employs his agents for the purpose 
 of promoting modern philanthropy and French projects 
 of universal empire, I should advise you to prepare them 
 intellectual food from such descriptions as we have quoted 
 above. By accustoming your pupils to meditate on such 
 horrible descriptions you will soon enable them to inflict 
 without compunction or remorse sufferings like those, 
 which they have been in the habit of contemplating. 
 
 We are sorry to see, however, that our friend, Dr. Dar 
 win, has been pleased to express his disapprobation of this 
 species of the terrible in style, without which your small 
 poets can never become conspicuous. We shall however, 
 quote one of his sentiments on the subject merely to let 
 the world know that we great wits do not always tally upon 
 every point. 
 
 The doctor tells us in his Botanick Garden, p. 115, that 
 there is a " line of boundary between the tragick and 
 the horrid ; which line, however, will veer a li tie this 
 way or that, according to the prevailing manners of the 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 233 
 
 So wondrous horrible, indeed it 
 Might make one faint away to read it ! 
 
 Thence sent him under " rooted wanes" 
 Adown through vast Domdaniel caves, 16 
 
 age or country, and the peculiar association of ideas, or 
 idiosyncrasy of mind, of individuals/ 
 
 Now I am apprehensive that doctor Darwin would have 
 adjudged the greater part of Mr. Southey s sublimity 
 to be of the " horrid" rather than the tragick or sublime 
 kind. Such an opinion, however, would not only great 
 ly tarnish the reputation of the critick who should 
 venture to pronounce it; but would entirely put down, 
 many pretty good poets, who, as the Edinburgh reviewers 
 say, must have a " qu il mourut," and a " let there be 
 light" in every line ; and all their characters must be in 
 agonies and ecstacies, from their entrance to their exit.* 
 
 16 Adown through vast Domdaniel caves. 
 
 That is, as Southey says, through the Domdaniel caves, 
 " at the roots of the ocean." 
 
 Thalaba, having leaped into a " little car" which appears 
 to have been drawn by " four living pinions, headless^ 
 body less, sprung from one stem that branched below, in 
 four down arching limbs, and clenched the earrings endlong 
 and aside, with claws of griffin grasp ;" 
 
 " Down down, it sank down- down 
 Down down a mighty depth ! 
 Down down^-and now it strikes." 
 
 * See Edinburgh review of Southey s Thalaba, October, 1802- 
 H h 
 
234 MODERN PHILOSOPHER* 
 
 In which the metre man and Thalaba, 
 Had like to have been lost infallibly : 
 
 But were translated in a trice 
 To monsieur Mahomet s paradise, 17 
 There to enjoy, with Houri-ladies, 
 A whole eternity of play days. 
 
 Give me in proper tone to tell, 
 Between a mutter and a yell, 
 How best our fierce avenging choler 
 May work dire deeds of doleful dolour. 
 
 There s the bathos to perfection ! 
 
 Now, if we could in any way have prevailed on Mr. 
 Southey to have stopped this side of the centre of gravity, 
 we should have been happy to have hired his " car" for this 
 our dreadful rencontre. But as it appears that the Dom- 
 daniel cave soon after fell in, I fancy it would cost more to 
 dig out this vehicle than to get Mr. Southey to make us a 
 new one. 
 
 17 To monsieur Mahomet s paradise. 
 
 " Thalaba knew that his death-hour was come, 
 And on he leapt, and springing up, 
 
 Into the idol s heart 
 
 Hilt deep he drove the sword. 
 The ocean-vault fell in, and all were crushed. 
 
 In the same moment at the gate 
 Of paradise, Oneiza s Houri-form, 
 
 Welcomed her husband to eternal bliss." 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 235 
 
 Come on ! Begin the grand attack 
 With aloes, squills, and ipecac ; 
 And then with clyster-pipe and squirt- gun, 
 There will be monstrous deal of hurt done 1 
 
 Each wry-fac d rogue, and dirty trollop, 
 Must well be dos d with drastick jalap, 
 And though their insides you should call up, 
 Still make the numsculls take it all up. 
 
 Cram all the ninny-hammers gullets, 
 With pills as big as pistol bullets ; 
 Then, Frenchman like, give each a clyster, 
 And next go on to bleed and blister. 
 
 Dash at them escharoticks gnawing, 
 Their carcases to pick a flaw in ; 
 Of nitrous acid huge carboys, 
 Fill d to the brim, like Margate hoys. 
 
 Thus when the Greeks with their commander, 
 That fighting fellow, Alexander, 
 Set out one morning, full of ire, 
 To take and burn the town of Tyre ; 
 
 A patriotick stout old woman 
 
 Look d out, and saw the chaps a coming ; 
 
236 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 When on a sudden she bethought her 
 To heat a kettle full of water; 
 
 And as they went to climb the ladder, 
 (Sure never vixen could be madder, 
 But so the historian of the fray says) 
 She fir d her water in their faces ! 
 
 But to return to our great battle ; 
 
 Now rant ! rave ! roar ! and rend ! and rattle I l8 
 
 Like earth-born giants when they strove, 
 
 To pull the ears of thundering Jove ! 
 
 Pelt the vile foe with weapons missile ; 
 Make vials round their sconces whistle ; 
 Shower on them a tremendous torrent, 
 Of gaily pots and bottles horrent. 
 
 Make at em now like mad Mendozas ; 
 With forceps pinch and pull their noses, 
 
 18 Now rant ! rave ! roar ! and rend ! and rattle. 
 
 I Christopher Caustick, censured by criticks, for my 
 apt alliterations, though artfully allied, yet /zresume it is 
 policy, for a /zennyless /?oet to polish his /mny lays to such 
 a/dtch of /zerfection, that posterity may /?lease to/zlace the 
 /zithy /production paramount to the Beaked point of the 
 pinnacle of -Pierian Parnassus. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 237 
 
 With tournequet and dire tooth-drawers, 
 First gird their necks, then break both jaws, 
 
 But lo ! They bid our dread alliance 
 Of doctors, quacks, and drugs defiance ; 
 And, firm as host of cavaliers, 
 Convert their tractors into spears ! 
 
 See host to host and man to man set ! 
 A tractor each, and each a lancet ! 
 Each meets his foe, so fierce attacks him ! 
 That sure some god or demon backs him I 
 
 Fell Ate s shriek the world alarms ! 
 Bellona bellows " ARMS ! TO ARMS !" 
 War s demon dire, a great red dragon, 
 Drives, Jehu -like, Death s iron wagon ! ! Ip 
 
 J 9 Drives, Jehu like, Death s iron wagon ! ! 
 
 A poet of less judgment than myself would have seated 
 Mars in the chariot of Victory, a Vauxhall car, or some 
 other flimsy vehicle of that kind, which would be sure 
 to be dashed to pieces in a conflict like this in which we 
 are at present engaged. The carriage here introduced 
 was made by Vulcan, in his best style of workmanship, for 
 the express purpose of this attack, and in point of strength 
 and size, bears no more proportion to the chariot com 
 monly used by the god of war, than one of those huge 
 broad-wheeled Manchester wagons to the little whalebone 
 
238 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Loud shouts and dismal yells arise ! 
 Rend the blue " blanket" of the skies ! * 
 Grim Horrour s scream and Fury s frantick 
 Howl might be heard across the Atlantick ! ! 
 
 Although a comet s tail should hap 
 
 To give our globe a fatal slap, 
 
 The " crush of worlds" and " wreck of matter" 
 
 Would make ten thousand times less clatter ! 
 
 Thus high in air two different kinds 
 Of monsieur Volney s warring winds 
 Commence a most impetuous battle, 
 And round the Blue Ridge make all rattle. 2I 
 
 thingamy which the duke of Queensbury ran at New 
 Market. 
 
 20 Rend the blue " blanket" of the skies. 
 
 This is the same " blanket" which Mr. Canning said 
 was < wet" when he exhibited it in the house of com 
 mons. Since his use of it on that occasion it has been 
 so frequently wrung by the wits, that it has now become a 
 perfectly dry and almost thread-bare article, 
 
 ,- 2I And round the Blue Ridge make all rattle. 
 
 Volney informs us in his View that the Allegheny 
 mountain is the frontier on which the south-west and north 
 west winds in America contend ; and that he beheld a 
 spectacle of that kind at Rockfish Gap, on the Blue Ridge. 
 See American edition, page 148. 
 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 239 
 
 Now loud they bellow, blow and bluster, 
 With all the power that all can muster; 
 Now hurtle, howl, and hiss, but neither 
 Will yield his foe an inch of ether. 
 
 Now to the wretches give no quarter, 
 Pound them in indignation s mortar ; 
 Let not the women nor the men chance 
 To scape the pestle of your vengeance ! 
 
 Make cerebrum and cerebellum, 
 To rattle like a roll of vellum, 
 And occiput of every numhead, 
 To sound as loud as kettle-drum head. 
 
 With fell trepaning perforator, 
 Pierce every rascal s stubborn pate, or 
 With chissel plied with might and main, 
 Ope a huge hole in pericrane. 
 
 And with a most tremendous process, 
 With power of elephant s proboscis, 
 At once crush dura, pia mater, 
 As one would mash a boil d potatoe ! 
 
 Now batter them with such rude shocks 
 They ll think vast moon-disploded rocks 
 
240 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Are tumbling down in showers of granite 
 To " kill off" every man they can hit. 22 
 
 22 To " kill off" every man they can hit. 
 
 It is to me a matter of doubt whether your worships 
 are not absolutely ignorant of the causes and effects of the 
 wonderful phenomena to which we now allude. But if 
 you will please to take with us a stand for observation, 
 exactly at the centre of gravity between the earth and the 
 moon, and look about you with the eyes of great philoso 
 phers you will perceive what is well worth a world of ad 
 miration. 
 
 You will perceive that what is vulgarly called the man 
 in the moon is a prodigious volcano, in size much superiour 
 to any on our globe, and that this volcano is continually 
 emitting rocks, which ever and anon are thrown beyond 
 the sphere of the moon s attraction, and of course make 
 their way down upon us. 
 
 You will likewise find, by turning to the second volume 
 of the Philadelphia Literary Magazine, page 389, an ac 
 count of above thirty different showers of stones, some of 
 which have weighed not less than 300 pounds. And you 
 will ascertain that there has been a great diversity of 
 opinions among philosophers respecting the origin of these 
 prodigies. Some have believed them to be thrown from 
 some neighbouring volcano. Some have thought them to 
 have been wafted about by hurricanes. Others have sup 
 posed them to have been concretions formed in the atmos 
 phere. Some have thought them to be masses which were 
 detached from the planets at the time of their forma 
 tion ; and that they have been floating about in infinite 
 space till they met with our earth, which became to them 
 a new centre of gravity. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 241 
 
 Now, with harsh amputating saw, 
 Slash frontal os from under jaw ; 
 
 But the truth is, as you may see through any common 
 optical tube, from the situation to which I have just had the 
 honour to conduct you, that these masses of matter are 
 the product of lunar volcanos. Here we have a cause 
 adequate to the effect, as I shall make evident in the 
 following few words. 
 
 A lunar volcano similar to those on our planet would 
 project bodies much further from the moon than they 
 would be thrown by the same force from Etna or Vesu 
 vius ; for, 
 
 1. It is granted by great philosophers, such as ourself 
 and Dr. Darwin, that the moon has no atmosphere ; of 
 consequence, a body exploded from the moon would meet 
 with no resistance excepting from the power of gravita 
 tion. Dr. Darwin informs us, Botanick Garden, canto ii. 
 " If the moon had no atmosphere at the time of its eleva 
 tion from the earth ; or if its atmosphere was afterwards 
 stolen from it by the earth s attraction, the water on the 
 moon would rise quickly into vapour ; and the cold pro 
 duced by a certain quantity of this evaporation would 
 congeal the remainder of it. Hence it is not probable 
 that the moon is at present inhabited ; but as it seems to 
 have suffered and to continue to suffer much by -volcanos, a 
 sufficient quantity of air may in process of time be gene 
 rated to produce an atmosphere, which may prevent its 
 heat from so easily escaping, and its water from so easily 
 evaporating, and thence become fit for the production of 
 vegetables and animals. 
 
 ** That the moon possesses little or no atmosphere is 
 deduced from the undiminished lustre of the stars at the 
 
 I i 
 
242 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 And make a wound, by cutting slant down, 
 For doctor Tasker to descant on. 2J 
 
 instant when they emerge from behind her disk. That 
 the ocean of the moon is frozen is comfirmed from there 
 being no appearance of lunar tides," Sec. 
 
 2. Bodies on the moon possess much less gravity in 
 proportion to their quantity of matter than bodies on the 
 surface of the earth ; for matter is attracted by the earth 
 and moon, respectively, in proportion to the quantity of mat 
 ter which each contains. It follows that a comparatively 
 slight impulse, communicated to a body on the moon s 
 surface, would be sufficient to counteract its attraction 
 towards the moon, and if it were propelled towards the 
 earth it might come within its attraction, and would of 
 course make its way to our planet. 
 
 Thus it appears very evident, even to persons of your 
 worships ordinary penetration, that these wonderful showers 
 of stones are of lunar origin. 
 
 2 3 For doctor Tasker to descant on. 
 
 I feel a very great solicitude to mould and modify every 
 part and parcel of this performance according to rules 
 and regulations of the best master-builders of epick poems, 
 tragedies, and other great things of that kind. The ju 
 dicious critick will perceive that all my wounds are in 
 flicted with anatomical accuracy, and I have no doubt but 
 my friend Dr. Haygarth will do himself the honour to 
 write a treatise upon this subject, and tell the world with 
 what terrible propriety we have hewed and hacked our 
 opponents in the field of battle. The reverend William 
 Tasker, A. B. has furnished a model of this species of 
 criticism in A Series of Letters, respecting " The Ana 
 tomical Knowledge of Homer, &c." Dr. Haygarth I expect 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 243 
 
 Attack Medulla, hight Spinalis, 
 From where the head to where the tail is ; 24 
 Till with rude banging, thumping, thwacking, 
 You break each bone each booby s back in ! 
 
 Thus Virgil tells of sturdy fellows, 
 Dares yclep d, and old Entellus, 
 
 will prove that the " death wounds" of Sarpedon, Hector, 
 Ulysses* dog, Sec. as displayed in the treatise of Dr. Tasker, 
 were mere flea bites compared with these of Dr. Caustick. 
 
 2 4 From where the head to where the tail is. 
 
 Or more correctly where the tail was. Lord Monboddo 
 tells us that men, as well as monkies, were formerly 
 dignified with long tails protruding from the place where 
 (according to Butler) honour is lodged. Philosophers 
 and antiquaries had never been able to discover how man 
 became devested of this ornament, till my friend, Dr. An 
 derson, furnished a clue to the mystery. (See note 30, 
 canto i.) From this discovery I am led to suppose that 
 your antediluvian bucks began the practice of cuR-tazY-ing 
 these excrescences for gentility s sake, and what was at 
 first artificial became in due time natural, till, at length, 
 your right tififiies, as in modern times, were entirely dis 
 encumbered of that monkey-like appendage : but our Bond- 
 street loungers, although devested of that exteriour mark 
 of the monkey, with a laudable desire to prevent the in 
 tentions of Nature from being defeated, have adopted all 
 the ourang-outang-ical airs which she originally designed 
 should discriminate that species of amm-ah from men. 
 
244 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Who, with a pair of iron mittens, 
 Attack d each other like true Britons. 
 
 Entellus, stout as Hob the giant, 
 Made horrid work, you may rely on t ; 
 Exceeding mightiest verse or prose deed, 
 Knock d out two teeth, and made his nose bleed ! 
 
 And now, with desperate trocar, 
 Urge on the dreadful " tug of war ;" 
 And, when you ve stuck them in the crop, say 
 You meant to tap them for the dropsy. 
 
 With burning lapis infernalis, 25 
 Convince them human nature frail is ; 
 
 2 -5 With burning lapis infernalis. 
 
 The use of this caustick and other escharoticks on this 
 momentous occasion reminds me of an important era in 
 my life, a succinct biographical sketch of which I shall 
 shortly publish, in nineteen volumes folio ; a work which, 
 in point of size, erudition, and interesting anecdote, will be 
 immensely preferable to the voluminous production of lord 
 Orford. 
 
 The event in question was of the greater consequence, as 
 it gave rise to the present family name of" CAUSTICK." 
 
 Just thirty-two years since, from the fourteenth day of 
 last July,, while I was prosecuting some of my chymical 
 researches, my eldest son Tom, a burly-faced boy, since 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 245 
 
 And taunting, tell them they re afflicted, 
 Because they are to sin addicted. 
 
 killed in a duel with a hot-headed Irish gentleman, over 
 turned a bench, on which were placed seven carboys full 
 of acids, alkalies, &c. and broke them into inch pieces. 
 The consequences of this accident may be more easily con 
 ceived than described. The whole neighbourhood was 
 alarmed, and many most terribly caustidzed, in endeavour 
 ing to extinguish the conflagration which ensued. In the 
 consternation, and amid the exertions to subdue it, some 
 one cried out that Dr. Crichton (for such was my former 
 name, being the lineal descendant from the celebrated " ad 
 mirable Crichton") is fairly a Dr. CAUSTICS. 
 
 Thus began my honorary name, of which, as it is 
 scientifick) I am not a little proud, especially as it was ac 
 quired by virtue of an explosion, similar to that which 
 gave the honorary appellation of Bronte to my friend, 
 viscount Nelson of the Nile. For further particulars 
 respecting this important event, you will please to in 
 quire at the Herald s college, where, I dare say, 
 " garter principal king at arms, * sir Isaac Heard, knt. 
 has done me the justice to register the occurrence. In 
 stead of lions, bulls, boars, camels, elephants, and such in 
 significant animalcule, my shield is decorated with insignia 
 more appropriate to my great pretensions, On the left 
 are seen broken carboys couchanl, implying that the secrets 
 of science He prostrate before me. On the right are 
 fumes ramfiant, indicative of my discoveries, which soar 
 above those of all other pretenders. In the centre are nine 
 hedgehogs, with quills, stickant, a happy emblem of my 
 peaceable disposition. 
 
 My motto, which I trust sir Isaac has also registered, is 
 worthy of notice. Dr. Darwin was much pleased with it, 
 
. 
 
 246 MODERN PHILOSOPHER* 
 
 With scalprum scrape off epidermis 
 And cuticle (I think the term is) 
 
 and, desirous to emulate my fame in the art of motto ma 
 king, made, " OMNI A E CONCHIS." But your worships will 
 perceive that the doctor*s motto bears no comparison with 
 mine, in point of erudition ; as I prove myself versed in 
 three languages ; whereas he can boast of only one. Here 
 it comes. 
 
 O ctvS-gaTros, or y 
 
 Lacessit never me impune ! \ 
 
 This, my beautiful and appropriate motto, for the sake of 
 accommodating those among your worships, who are not 
 x r ersed in the lore of Greece and Rome, and cannot afford 
 to subsidize men of erudition to officiate for you in that 
 department of science, I shall render into our vernacular 
 idiom, as follows : 
 
 If I m attack d by man or trollop 
 
 I ll dose the knave with drastick jalap. 
 
 Lest the more critical and polite reader should complain, 
 that in order to let myself down to the level of your worship 
 ful capacities, I have anglicized my sublime motto in too 
 vulgar and colloquial a style, I shall take the liberty, po 
 litely, to parodize thereon, and, as lord Bacon says, " to 
 bring it home to men s business and bosoms ;" that is, to 
 make the application to that particular kind of gentry, 
 against whom my hedgehog quills, aforesaid, are pointed iii 
 terror em. 
 
 Ladies and gentlemen, REVIEWERS 1 
 You are a set of mischief brewers ; 
 A gang of scandalous backbiters, 
 Who feast on us, poor murder d writers. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 And all the nerves and muscles various, 
 Because, say you, their bones, are carious. 
 
 With antimonials make them sweat away ; 
 Cram each snout full of asafoetida : 
 Then tell them that their case you fancied 
 Requir d some castor oil, so rancid. 
 
 Now if you dare to throw the gauntlet,, 
 
 I tell you honestly I sha n t let 
 
 Your impudences, with impunity, 
 
 Impose in future on community. 
 
 If you dare say that greater wit 
 
 Than doctor Caustick ever writ ; 
 
 If you dare venture to suggest 
 
 His every word is not the best ; 
 
 If you dare hint that Caustick s noddle 
 
 Is not improv d from Homer s model j 
 
 If you dare think he has not treble 
 
 The inspiration of a Sybil ; 
 
 If you don t seem to take delight 
 
 In puffing him with all your might ; 
 
 If you don t coin for him some proper lies 
 
 To circulate through this metropolis, 
 
 To give eclat to this edition 
 
 Of his Poetical Petition ; 
 
 If you don t sing the same tune o er 
 
 Which he himself has sung before, 
 
 Ancients and moderns, altogether, 
 
 Are but the shadow of a feather, 
 
 Compar d with Caustick, even as 
 
 A puff of hydrogenous gas, 
 
 He ll hurl ye to old Davy s grotto, 
 
 As you ll imagine from his motto. 
 
 247 
 
248 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 And though the drug seem somewhat baleful 
 Give each a dose of half a pailful ; 
 Then thank them not to make wry faces, 
 For mild catharticks suit their cases. 
 
 Dash at them nitrate, night argentum, 
 And tell them, though it does torment em. 
 That papists say that purgatory 
 Is but a passport into glory. 
 
 Just so, old Satan was quite merry, 25 
 When erst, in Heaven, he rais d old Harry ; 
 With jokes and cannon, in terrorem, 
 He march d and drove em all before him. 
 
 2(5 Just so, old Sataiij was quite merry. 
 
 So said Milton, Paradise Lost, b. vi. where the hero 
 of the poem (whom I would propose as a model for 
 your worships imitation on all occasions) and his 
 merry companions " in gamesome mood stand scoffing," 
 and " quips cranks," powder, grape snot, puns, blunder 
 buss, jokes, and cannon-balls, flash, roar, and bellow in 
 concert. 
 
 But I am sure that every candid critick will be disposed 
 to acknowledge that neither Homer nor Milton ever des 
 cribed a battle, fraught with such sublime images and 
 similes, as this in which we are so desperately engaged. 
 

 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 249 
 
 Stick your keen penetrating probes 
 Through right and left hepatick lobes ; 
 And though you pierce the diaphragm, 
 You need not care a single damn. 
 
 So Indians, when a captive s taken, 
 And they resolve to fry his bacon. 
 Their savage torture to refine, 
 First stick him full of splinter d pine* 
 
 In fine, your worships will contrive 
 To leave not one vile wretch alive, 
 
 Except those dirty sons of 
 
 Whom nature meant to dig in ditches. 
 
 But all who would not make most topping 
 Fellows to work in docks at Wapping, 
 Some tvay or other, sirs, I d have ye 
 Give a quick passport to old Davy. 
 
 But if with all this blood and thunder, 
 The stubborn blockheads won t knock under, 
 And e en old women bravely wield 
 Their jordans like Achilles shield ; 
 
 No more with these our weapons dabble, 
 But raise a Lord-George-Gordon rabble j 
 

 250 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Pour on the rogues, that they be undone. 
 The whole mobocracy of London ! 
 
 Go, when I bid you, order out 
 A riotous and ragged rout 
 From dirty lane and alley dark 
 From Poplar corner to Hyde Park. 
 
 Come on, brave fellows, quick surround em ; 
 With canes and cudgels punch and pound em ; 
 Brick-bats and broom-sticks, all together, 
 Like coblers hammering sides of leather. 
 
 Brave Belcher, Lee, Mendoza, Bourke, 
 Let loose your fists in this great work ! 
 Here s fine amusement for your paws, 
 Without the dread of police laws. 
 
 Let not one Perkinite be found 
 Encumbering our British ground ; 
 But keep on pelting, banging, mauling, 
 Until old Beelzy s den they re all in. 
 
 And I ll be there and blow war s trumpet : 
 Or with death s kettle-drum I ll thump it, 
 Till all s " confusion, worse confounded" 
 Than e er in Milton s hell abounded. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 251 
 
 Thus, when the Spartans were in trouble, 
 Tyrteus help d them through their hobble, 
 By singing songs, to raise their courage. 
 All piping hot, as pepper-porridge. 
 
 These are the methods of " dead doing," 
 By which we ll work the wizard s ruin ; 
 And when with Satan all such trash is, 
 We ll rise, like Phenix, on its ashes. 
 
 Now, sirs, consent to my PETITION, 
 And send these varlets to perdition ; 
 So for your weal and welfare, post hie, 
 Will ever pray 
 
 CHRISTOPHER CAUSTICK. 
 
ADDITIONAL NOTES. 
 
 The following Notes were added by the American editor 
 of the third edition of this work. As they may be useful 
 in explaining some allusions which might not otherwise 
 be understood, I have thought proper to retain them. 
 
 THE interview with the board of longitude, adverted to 
 in page 23, note 23, there is reason to believe is substantially 
 true. Mr. S , the unsuccessful applicant, could not, 
 after the insult he received, by that pitiful offer of remu 
 neration, be prevailed upon to reconstruct his instrument. 
 
 Our poor countryman CHURCHMAN also, whose laborious 
 life has been spent in the pursuit of discoveries relative to 
 the longitude, and whose investigations have been amply 
 successful to merit the liberal protection of an institution, 
 established with the firofessed views of the present one, 
 can attest how far a poor but meritorious artist may con 
 fide in the liberality of either the board of longitude, or 
 the gentlemen of the Trinity house. 
 
 The salary of the clerkship of the Pells, alluded to in 
 the latter part of the note, which Mr. Addington, the pre- 
 
254 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 mier, gave to his own son, a child eleven years old, is 
 about seven thousand pounds sterling per annum. The 
 duties of this office are necessarily transacted by a nurse-) 
 who probably is rewarded by our young master with as 
 liberal wages as many of the curates of England receive. 
 They, for forty pounds per annum, discharge the duty of 
 the rector, whose tythes amount to three or four thousand, 
 which he often most graciously condescends to bestow in 
 running the race of not a Christian, but, a fox or a stag, 
 and another species of races at New Market. The clerk 
 ship of the Pells, until Mr. Addington discovered other 
 wise, was always considered as justly belonging to some 
 meritorious but worn-out and unrequited servant of the 
 country. 
 
 Page 28, note 28. Dr. Anderson s titles are mentioned 
 as L. L. D. F. R. S. Scotland. In England the point of 
 this would have been sufficiently evident by the mere em 
 phasis on Scotland^ which the italicizing of the word 
 imports ; but as in America it is not generally known that 
 for twelve pounds two shillings and sixpence sterling, any 
 creature, can obtain; in the universities of Aberdeen and 
 St. Andrews, a diploma which will dignify the possessor 
 with a doctor s degree in divinity, law, or physick, there 
 would have been a wonder how that wiseacre, Dr. Ander 
 son, came by his. These appendages to the names of 
 a candidate in the trade of authorship, or in either of the 
 professions^ are as necessary, in order to ensure him suc 
 cess as well as respect, in Europe, as tails to a bashaw in 
 jlsia ; and in both cases the degree of dignity supported, 
 and respect claimed, is regulated alike by the number of 
 each. 
 
 A few years since, several Oxonians who had beheld 
 with an unkind aspect the inundation of these titled can- 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 255 
 
 didates for employ in all the professions, without the sa 
 crifice of any of the study, time and expense, which are 
 required of the students in the English universities, pre 
 vious to the attainment of these insignia of merit, clubbed, 
 and raised a sum sufficient to pay for three diplomas. 
 Three of the long eared species of animals, vulgarly yclept 
 JACKASSES, were then procured, and appropriate names 
 given to each, as the rev. Mr. Bray, Dr. Ear, and squire 
 Sulkey. The CASH, accompanied by a recommendation of 
 these three distinguished characters, attested by the party 
 in the joke, was transmitted to the then principal of Aber 
 deen university, and on the return of the mail, the three 
 candidates were each raised in law, physick, and divinity, 
 to a rank with Dr. Anderson. 
 
 It may perhaps be useful, however, to add, for the in 
 formation of any of our countrymen, who may pant for 
 the possession of these academick honours, in order to be 
 on a par with the aforesaid jackasses and Dr. Anderson, 
 that a recent additional duty in England upon stamps, and 
 on the postage of letters, will require them to remit as 
 much as two shillings and some odd pence over the twelve 
 pounds two shillings and sixpence, a circumstance, cer 
 tainly much to be regretted. 
 
 For bottled urine has, no doubt, 
 In publick mails been frank d about. 
 
 Page 30. The satire in these lines, whether it aims 
 at the very ridiculous deference paid to a certain class of 
 the Esculapian fraternity, waom I shall term HYDROGNOS- 
 TICKS, but whom the reader may, if he please, call " wa 
 ter-doctors," or at the abuse of the privilege of franking, 
 in England, is perhaps as well founded as any other in the 
 poem. 
 
256 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 Besides the famous Dr. MAYERSBACH here alluded to 
 who resides in London, there is another still more cele 
 brated in Northamptonshire, who can scarcely write his 
 own name, but who has already amassed a large fortune 
 by practice in this line. Scarcely a post arrives which 
 does not bring to these " doctors" many bottles for exami 
 nation ; and as no case is entered upon without that ne 
 cessary preamble, a golden fee, the money collected is 
 almost incredible. 
 
 The abuse of the privilege of franking, so common 
 among the heads of the departments, and those who, ex 
 qfficio, have the right of conveying by post a packet of 
 almost any size, had like to have met with a serious and 
 effectual interruption, a few years since, if the following 
 story related respecting the affair can be depended upon. 
 
 An extraordinary Lusus Nature of the human species 
 having occurred at Plymouth, the obstetrick gentleman, 
 into whose hands it fell, resolved to make a present of it to 
 the museum of an eminent anatomical professor in Lon 
 don. No immediate conveyance for it presenting, the com 
 missioner of the dock-yard kindly undertook to relieve his 
 embarrassment, by franking- it up by post. For this pur 
 pose the child was made up into a parcel or packet (not a 
 very small one to be sure) and directed for London. The 
 weather growing warmer than was anticipated, our cafiut 
 mortuum arrived at the general post-office in a condition 
 rather resembling a cafiut vividum ; for it soon produced a 
 very lively effect on the olfactory nerves of all the clerks of 
 the post-office. The inspector of franks, suspecting foul 
 play, deemed it his duty to examine the contents of the 
 parcel, when there was presented to the alarmed and astonis- 
 ed eyes of all around, a being of which they affirmed there 
 did not exist the likeness either in heaven above or on the 
 earth beneath. Some fled from alarm and some from 
 stench, till the apartment was entirely deserted, except by- 
 old Jowler, a large mastiff that was kept as a guard to the 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 257 
 
 office. Attracted by the scent, Jowler soon satisfied him 
 self that the commodity, so savory to his smell, was nothing 
 more nor less than a nice piece of dog s-meat, and of con 
 sequence was, bvna fide, his property ; so he quietly took it 
 up in his mouth, and marched off with it for his breakfast. 
 
 An action was afterwards brought against the post-office 
 for the loss of the article in question ; but as it was called a 
 child in the declaration, it was successfully pleaded in reply, 
 that as a child, it could not be considered in any other light 
 than a stage passenger ; and as the stage coach and not the 
 letter-bag was established for the accomodation and convey 
 ance of passengers, the plaintiff was in fault for not sending 
 the said passenger with other passengers in the stage. This 
 defence was irresistible and the plaintiff, to his sore dis 
 pleasure, was nonsuited* 
 
 Behold ! a rising INSTITUTION. 
 
 Page 127. The institution here alluded to, although its 
 acts are often dwelt upon in the poem, is in no place suf 
 ficiently explained to enable the American reader fully to 
 comprehend its nature. A short history of it, therefore, 
 may not be unacceptable. 
 
 Several philanthropick characters in London, chiefly 
 those who had purchased the tractors, conceiving that the 
 discovery of Perkinism merited the patronage of an esta 
 blishment, like that of the discovery of the cow pox, an 
 nounced such an intention in the newspapers, and, at the 
 same time, called a publick meeting to take the proposed 
 measure into consideration. Here the undertaking was 
 unanimously resolved upon, and a subscription opened to 
 carry the proposed charity into effect. The list was soon 
 honoured with above a hundred subscribers, several with 
 a donation of ten, and none, excepting one or two, less than 
 
 1.1 
 
258 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 one guinea for annual subscription. Lord Rivers was 
 elected president of the society, and eleven other persons 
 of distinction, among whom will be found Governour 
 Franklin, son of Dr. Franklin, compose the list of vice- 
 presidents. 
 
 On the 25th of July last (1803) a large house was 
 opened in Frith street, Soho-square, for the reception of 
 patients, and in which the medical attendant, the matron, 
 and servants constantly reside. 
 
 The objects of this establishment are stated by the So 
 ciety, in their publication on the subject, as follows : 
 
 " 1 st. To afford relief to the disorders of the afflicted and 
 industrious poor of the metropolis, if the remedy should 
 be found capable of that desirable purpose ; and 
 
 " 2dly. To submit the long controverted question on the 
 merits of the metallick tractors to the test of the severest 
 scrutiny, the ordeal of experiment, by disinterested per 
 sons, and thereby enable the publick to form a correct 
 opinion on the just pretensions of Perkinism." 
 
 As one of the articles, among the rules and regula 
 tions for the government of the society, directs the com 
 mittee to report, after a suitable time, the result of the 
 undertaking, there was published by them in February 
 last, a book, entitled, The Transactions of the Perkinean 
 Society, consisting of a rejiort on the practice with the me 
 tallick tractors, at the Instiution in Frith street, and experi 
 ments communicated by several correspondents. Published by 
 order of the committee. 
 
 This REPORT is highly creditable to the metallick prac 
 tice. It states that 4 the books of the institution, in which 
 every case is registered, both favourable and unfavourable, 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 259 
 
 will show that nine tenths of the patients have been either 
 cured or materially relieved." Among other cases ad 
 duced in this report, are two of restoration of sight. 
 
 The report concludes by expressing " the satisfaction 
 the committee would feel, should the wisdom of the Bri 
 tish parliament see fit to investigate the merits of Perkin- 
 ism, and, if convinced of its utility, honour it with similar 
 patronage, to other modern discoveries for the benefit of 
 mankind." 
 
 Although Fm sure twould not be cruel 
 To pop off Perkins in a duel. 
 
 Page 155. If rhyme or reason could avail any thing 
 against this barbarous, brutal, foolish and destructive 
 practice, no rational mind, it is believed, would censure 
 the attempt however unpleasant the mode may be to the 
 parties, or the friends of the parties concerned. 
 
 In the present instance, much complaint was raised in 
 London, by the friends of the two combatants, against 
 these stanzas, as reflecting on the honourable personages 
 concerned. If men will be so superlatively foolish, as 
 well as wicked, however exalted their stations in life, 
 ought any person, who respects the well being of society, 
 to be ashamed of an act which assists to make this vice 
 
 " A fixed figure for the time of scorn 
 
 " To point his slow and moving finger at ?" 
 
 The duel in question, has scarcely its parallel for 
 absurdity in its cause and disaster in its consequence. 
 A dog belonging to colonel Montgomery s kept mis 
 tress quarrelled in the park, with another dog, belong 
 ing to captain Macnamara. The captain s dog, proving 
 too strong for his antagonist, necessarily (I speak as a man 
 of honour} raised in the martial bosom of the colonel a 
 
260 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 feeling which could not be allayed, consistently with the 
 preservation of his dignity among gentlemen, without 
 challenging the owner of the victorious dog to meet him, 
 the champion of his kept mistress s dog, before the setting 
 of the sun, otherwise to be proclaimed a coward and no 
 gentleman. Macnamara, a post captain in the navy, neces 
 sarily accepted the challenge. On the first fire, the co 
 lonel was killed upon the spot, and the captain also received 
 a wound, which, while it will maim him during life, will 
 assist him, in the cool moments of reflection (if such 
 moments are not inconsistent with a man of honour) to feel 
 whether it were really manly to take away the life of a 
 fellow creature, and wise to hazard his own in so despica 
 ble a cause. 
 
 Colonel Montgomery was brother to the marchioness of 
 Townsend, and otherwise connected with the first families 
 in the kingdom. Captain Macnamara, also belonged to 
 a family of distinction. As there are in England great 
 numbers who know of no other laws of honour than such 
 as they see adopted by the great, whom they ape in 
 all their movements, such examples have a four-fold in 
 fluence. There were, consequently, notwithstanding the 
 fatal issue of this combat, more duels, and at the same 
 place (Chalk Farm) within the few weeks following, than 
 had taken place for many months before. 
 
 ADDITIONAL NOTES 
 
 BY THE AUTHOR OF THE POEM, 
 No. I. 
 
 WE now propose to oblige your worships with some 
 profound observations respecting the plague of America, 
 and thus fulfil our promise of page 112. You will there 
 perceive that we have taken the liberty to advise the citi 
 zens of New York to 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 261 
 
 scoop each crowded place in 
 
 The form of something like a basin. 
 
 This our caution, however, is of much the less impor 
 tance to that place, on account of the sagacity of its good 
 citizens in having foreseen the best means of preventing 
 the " principle of population" from swallowing up the 
 " means of subsistence." This is very evident from the 
 following statement made, we believe, by one of the in 
 habitants of that place.* 
 
 (< I never contemplate the felicity of situation and form 
 which this island enjoys, without renewed confidence in 
 the benevolent designs of Providence in respect to it. The 
 conformation of this part of the continent required a great 
 city at the mouth of the Hudson : an island is formed for 
 the purpose, large enough to have built Rome upon, and 
 scarcely more than two miles wide. At the mouth of any 
 other great river, this island would have been a dead 
 marsh, surrounded by a like country. Here it is high, 
 bold, and hilly. In most other places the sea would rise 
 and fall without current. Here, the operation of alternate 
 and conflicting tides cleanses the shores, and tends to pre 
 serve the purity of the earth, the air, and the water. 
 The very marshes themselves indicate the paths where 
 canals, with rapid currents of tide water, might easily be 
 made to pass through the island. This must needs be a 
 commercial city, and yet required such a disposition of 
 its commerce as to be healthy. To aid this object , we see 
 its own shores conveniently formed for the access of 
 shipping for more than twenty-five miles round. No other 
 place on earth has such an advantage. On the borders 
 of the ocean, and yet land-locked; surrounded by fields 
 and cultivation, and yet enjoying the refreshing water 
 
 * See " Letters concerning the general Health, by a Householder," 
 published in New York in the autumn of 1805. 
 
262 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 breezes from every point except the coolest j and having 
 access to more than 1000 miles of other coasts and shores, 
 within 1 60 miles from its own wharves : .Such a union 
 of happy circumstances has never, I believe, been witnes 
 sed in any other place. I WILL NOT BELIEVE that the 
 avarice and folly of men are destined to destroy it. 
 
 " The Collect is no\v filling up with earth, and is intended 
 to be sold and built upon. 
 
 " It may be difficult, at this time, to say, whether upon 
 the whole site of the present town, there was enough 
 surplus earth in the hills, to have raised the low ground 
 to a convenient height, had the whole been judiciously 
 disposed. We know, however, that enormous expenses 
 have been incurred in removing hills which were salutary, 
 to build wharves which are unnecessary and pernicious. 
 
 " A part of the lower end of Pearl street, and of seme 
 streets crossing it, and all of Water, Front, and South 
 streets, are built where the water once flowed, on ground 
 made by constructing wharves, which have always been 
 composed of logs and loo&e stones, filled up sometimes 
 with earth, but often with bones, offah, ordurej and every 
 species of corrupt and putrefying matter. The tract of 
 ground thus made, reckoning only from the battery to 
 the, beginning of Cherry street, may contain about ninety 
 acres. Those docks* next the shore were built first, and 
 built without any expectation that others would be extend 
 ed so far beyond them. They were at first raised no 
 higher than was then deemed necessary to defend them 
 from being overflowed; and so high, at least, the new 
 
 * The word dock, as well as many other terms and expressions, 
 are used according- to their popular sense in this town. It need not 
 be explained, that I have been more desirous to convince the pub- 
 lick, than to gratify the lovers of fine writing 1 . 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 263 
 
 ones must be raised. There is, therefore, upon this state 
 ment, no room for any descent through these grounds 
 towards the river. But this is not all ; for the weight of 
 buildings, the operation of water, which is known to pene 
 trate through all the crevices of these docks and wharves, 
 and the aid of time, which moulders all perishable sub 
 stances, do, as I believe, gradually sink and press down 
 all the grounds thus made. The oldest sink first, and 
 most. Thus there is a perpetual tendency in all these 
 grounds to assume a form descending inward, that is, 
 from the river, and towards Pearl street. The lower part 
 of Pine street afforded, till lately, an example to prove the 
 justice of this remark." f 
 
 Dr. Miller of the same city, in a " Report on the 
 malignant disease, which prevailed in the city of New 
 York, in the autumn of 1805," gives us the following 
 sketch of our prospects relative to this disorder. 
 
 " WE LIVE IN THE LATITUDE OF PESTILENCE, AND 
 OUR CLIMATE NOW PERHAPS IS ONLY BEGINNING TO 
 DISPLAY ITS TENDENCY TO PRODUCE THIS TERRIBLE 
 
 SCOURGE. The impurities which time and a police, 
 rather moulded in conformity to the usages of more 
 northern countries than the exigencies of our own, have 
 been long accumulating are now annually exposed to the 
 heats of a burning summer, and send forth exhalations 
 of the highest virulence 1" 
 
 It has been observed, that the plague in London has 
 ceased its ravages since the year 1666. The destruc 
 tion of the city by fire, and rebuilding it upon a more en- 
 
 f These ideas might be applied with equal propriety to the 
 operations going on upon the North river, and in front of Cherry 
 street. Let the reader imagine our town quite surrounded by a 
 border of three streets made from the water ! 
 
264 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 larged plan the introduction of fresh water- improve 
 ments in the construction of sewers greater cleanliness 
 of its inhabitants are assigned among the causes which 
 have combined to produce this effect. 
 
 It is also urged that there has ever been an unrestrained 
 intercourse between that city and the West India Islands, 
 Egypt, Constantinople, and other parts of the world, in 
 which pestilence has been supposed to have been bred, 
 and yet no fever has been imported into London since the 
 period above mentioned. 
 
 It is moreover said, that there is a difference between 
 sjiecifick contagion and infection. That disorders which are 
 infectious can only be propagated in zfiredisjiosed atmosphere, 
 under the control of contingent circumstances. But dis 
 orders which are contagious like the small pox, measles, 
 Sec. are not governed by such laws, but may be communi 
 cated in the coldest climate and the purest air at all times 
 and to all persons, who have not once undergone their opera 
 tion. To such reasoning I always reply, that all this may 
 be true, but 
 
 Folks ought to die just when God pleases ; 
 
 and in a free government like ours, it would be the height 
 of tyranny not to permit the good citizens of New York 
 and Philadelphia to make as many " asylums for oppressed" 
 yellow fever as they please. 
 
 No. II. 
 
 By some late advices from England* I have learned 
 with no slight degree of concern, that not only the Per- 
 kinistick Institution has been permitted to proceed in 
 London without molestation, but that institutions of a 
 similar nature have been established in other parts of the 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 265 
 
 kingdom. One in Durham, in a particular manner, un 
 der the patronage of the bishop of St. David s, is said to 
 have reported two hundred cases of cures. Indeed we are 
 not a little alarmed at this intelligence, and very much 
 fear that you will suffer the dreadful disease of Perkinism 
 to become an epidemick in Great Britain. 
 
 If this my last effort should fail to inspire you with zeal 
 proportioned to the magnitude of the evils with which you 
 are threatened by these trespassers on our rights, I 
 shall consider your case as desperate, shall no longer 
 prescribe for such patients, but introduce the underta 
 ker and order some patent coffins to be provided for your 
 accommodation without further ceremony. 
 
 No. III. 
 
 We told your worships, page 128, that Perkins was 
 supported by Aldini, and promised some additional remarks 
 by way of illustrating our assertion. We now intend to 
 prove not only that we were correct in our statement, but 
 that light, heat or calorick, electricity, Galvanism, Per 
 kinism, animal spirits, the social feelings, especially when 
 love is concerned, and the stimulus of society, are all inti 
 mately connected or different modifications of the same 
 matter. 
 
 We will show that light and heat are the same thing in 
 essence by the authority of some of our prime philoso 
 phers whom it would be heresy to dispute or gainsay. 
 
 " Universal space," says Dr. Franklin, " so far as we 
 know of it, seems filled with a subtil fluid, whose motion, 
 
 I* viHratirm. IQ r*allp>rl linrlif- 
 
 TKiav/ T V* *.t.j 0W^M*0 XJ.JJ.V Vl. TTAV1 
 
 or vibration, is called light. 
 
 " This fluid may possibly be the same with that which 
 attracted by and entering into other more solid matter, 
 M m 
 
266 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 dilates the substance, by separating the constituent parti 
 cles and so rendering some solids flu? d, and maintaining the 
 fluidity of others; of which fluid when our bodies are 
 totally deprived, they are said to be frozen; when they 
 have a proper quantity they are in health, and fit to per 
 form all their functions ; it is then called natural heat ; 
 when too much, it is called fever ; and when forced into the 
 body in too great a quantity from without, it gives pain by 
 separating and destroying the flesh, and is then called burn 
 ing ; and the fluid so entering and acting is called fire." 
 Transactions of the American Philosophical Society^ vol. Hi. 
 p. 5, 6. 
 
 Now we will see what Lavoisier, according to Fourcroy, 
 can tell us on this subject. 
 
 " In 1780, he (Lavoisier) published three memoirs, 
 which threw a new light upon the doctrine for the establish 
 ment of which he laboured with extreme ardour for three 
 years : by first applying to the examination of such fluids 
 as could be obtained in the aeriform, state, at a degree of 
 heat little greater than the mean temperature of the earth, 
 he proved that our terrestrial atmosphere is formed of 
 bodies which- at the known temperature and pressure, are 
 capable of preserving the aeriform state ; that if the earth 
 were nearer to the sun, alcohol, ether, and even water 
 would form a part of the atmosphere ; and that on the con 
 trary, if it were at a greater distance from that luminary, 
 water and mercury would be solid ; that the three states of 
 solidity* liquidity r , and gaseity, de fiend on the different jirojior- 
 tions of Jire combined in bodies ; and that the elastick fluids, 
 being arranged according to their specifick gravity, it is 
 evident that the upper regions of the atmosphere must be 
 occufii- d by inflammable gases^ and are therefore the place 
 of luminous and combustible meteors.". Nicholson s Four- 
 croy, vol. l. p. 57. 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 267 
 
 Again, vol. i. p. 183-4. " The comparison which the 
 more modern philosophers, and particularly my illustrious 
 friend Monge, have established between caloric k and light, 
 so as to consider these two effects as the product of modi 
 fications of the same body, is entitled to much more atten 
 tion. It is established on a great number of experiments ; 
 it naturally and simply explains most of the phenomena ; 
 and it agrees with the sublime economy of nature, which 
 multiplies effects much more than the bodies which pro 
 duce them. 
 
 " Fire" he continues " is disengaged, and shows itself 
 in the form of heat, when it is gently and slowly driven out 
 of bodies into the composition of which it entered ; but it 
 shines in the form of light when it flies out of compounds, 
 in a very compressed state, by a swift motion. 
 
 " According to this ingenious hypothesis, calorick may 
 become light, and light on the other hand may become 
 calorick. For this purpose it is only necessary that the 
 first should assume more rapidity in its motion, and the 
 second undergo a diminution of velocity." 
 
 Our next step in this our wonderful process is to prove, 
 that light, which is the same as heat, may also be identifi 
 ed with electricity. 
 
 Here I shall produce the authority of a writer in the 
 Encyclopaedia Bri<annica, who appears to be a very sound 
 philosopher. Under the title electricity, article 83, you 
 will find that gunpowder has been fired by the electrick 
 blast ; from which the writer reasons as follows. 
 
 " As it therefore appears, that the electrick fluid, when 
 it moves through bodies either with great rapidity or in 
 very great quantity will set them on fire, it seems scarce dis 
 putable, that this fluid is the same with the element of fire 
 
268 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 This being once admitted, the source from whence the 
 -electrick fluid is derived into the earth and atmosphere 
 must be exceedingly evident, being no other than the sun 
 or source of light itself," The writer then proceeds to 
 show, that an iron wire has been melted by the discharge 
 of a battery of electricity, and furnishes proofs which must 
 convince the most incredulous, of the correctness of his 
 theory. 
 
 Thus far we have proceeded triumphantly in making it 
 abundantly evident that light, heat, and electricity are the 
 same in substance ; so that if your worships will permeate 
 this subject with due retention and some small share of 
 true philosophical perspicacity, you will find that heat and 
 electricity are the dregs or sediment of light, and by di 
 gesting Dr. Black s theory of latent heat, you will find that 
 the matter of heat, light, and electricity exists in very vast 
 abundance in all bodies and substances. 
 
 We next will prove that Galvanism is a modification of 
 electricity. Here we will advert to the theory of Galvani 
 and Aldini, as stated by C. H. Wilkinson, lecturer on Gal 
 vanism in Soho square, member of the royal college of 
 surgeons, &c. &c. This gentleman informs us, that " the 
 animal body is a description of Leyden fihial, or magick 
 battery, in one part of which there is an excess of electri 
 city, and in the other a deficiency The conducting body 
 communicates the fluid of the part where it is abundant to 
 the part where it is defective; and in this passage of the 
 electricity, the muscular contractions are obtained in the 
 same way as the discharges are produced by the Leyden 
 phial or magick batteries. As the conducting- bodies in 
 electricity are the sole agents in the discharge of the 
 Leyden phial, so the same bodies alone serve likewise to 
 excite muscular contractions." Wilkinson s Elements of 
 Galvanism, p. 82. 
 

 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 269 
 
 We find again, page 84. " Were I called on to give an 
 opinion, I should state my persuasion that the muscular 
 contractions (in Galvanism) are produced by the move 
 ments of animal electricity, directed by the conducting 
 bodies of natural electricity." 
 
 Here we find, that the " muscular contractions" which 
 are the consequence of the application of the Galvanick 
 fluid are an appearance of " animal electricity." And as 
 the animal body is a kind of " Leyden phial," animal electri 
 city and natural electricity must be the same, and would 
 seem to be an invisible fluid, which may be communicated, 
 by the means of its proper conductors, from one body to 
 another. 
 
 We next will prove that Perkins s points are the pro 
 per conductors of animal electricity. From a specification 
 which Mr* Perkins published in the Repertory of Arts, it 
 would seem that zinc is the principal ingredient in the 
 tractors. 
 
 " Zinc," says Fourcroy, (< is a conductor of electricity 
 like all other metals, and nothing particular has hitherto 
 been discovered in it with respect to this property ; how 
 ever, the powerful manner in which it affects the sensibility of 
 the human body in Galvanick experiments seems to give 
 it herein a sort of prerogative or preeminence over other 
 metallick substances. If we place a plate of zinc under 
 the tongue, and cover the upper surface of this organ 
 with another metal, and especially a piece of gold or sil 
 ver, and then incline the extremity of this last, so as to 
 approach it to the plate of zinc, at the moment when the 
 two metals come into contact with each other, the per 
 son who performs the experiments feels a very perceptible 
 pricking sensation, heat, irritation, and a sort of acerb 
 taste in the tongue, almost always accompanied with a 
 momentous glare, or a luminous circle, which suddenly 
 
270 MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 appears before his eyes. No metal produces this singular 
 effect with such force as zinc is observed to do." 
 
 Thus it appears, that Perkinism is the conducting, or, as 
 it were, decanting of the electrick fluid by the means of 
 those metallick substances which are best adapted to that 
 purpose, from one < animal Ley den phial" to another, 
 and by the due regulation of that grand principle of 
 animation, giving a proper tone to the animal functions and 
 curing many complaints to which frail mortals are liable. 
 
 This animal electricity is likewise a modification of 
 what we call animal spirits, and may be termed the 
 stimulus of society. That this was well known to the 
 wisest of men, is evident from this adage of Solomon : 
 " Iron sharpeneth iron ; so a man sharpeneth the coun 
 tenance of his friend." The want of a proper commu 
 nication among animal Leyden phials is the cause of the 
 gloom of the solitaire. The wish to partake of the bene 
 fits of the stimulus of society makes man a gregarious 
 animal, and induces the human race to congregate in large 
 cities, and to be fond of routs, balls, assemblies, in which 
 the aforesaid human electrick phials are beaming animal 
 electricity in every direction, and thus a flow of animal 
 spirits is communicated by a pleasing contagion to all 
 present. 
 
 When we see an animal Leyden phial superabounding 
 with animal electricity, we say it is a spirited animal. 
 When said animal happens to be a hero, a tyger, an irri 
 tated ram cat or a black snake intent on his game, visible 
 flashes of electricity will blaze from the eyes, and com 
 municate very sensible shocks to a spectator. Thus the 
 Gaul, who was commanded to cut off the head of Ma- 
 rius, a celebrated Roman general, and a personage full of 
 the most positive sort of animal electricity ^ received such 
 a stroke of lightning from the battery of that hero s 
 
MODERN PHILOSOPHER. 271 
 
 head, and at the same time was so thunderstruck with the 
 exclamation of u Tune, homo, audes occidere Caium Ma- 
 rium ?" that the dagger dropped bloodless from the hands 
 of the ruthless assassin. Thus Alexander, when hampered 
 in the chief city of the Oxydracoe, kept his foes at a dutance 
 by the fire that flashed from his eyes in whole torrents of 
 animal electricity. How often do we see a congressional 
 spouter, or an itinerant field preacher electrize a large 
 assembly by repeated discharges of this mysterious fluid. 
 In all cases of fanaticism it is mistaken for the fire of 
 devotion, and causes grimaces, contortions, convulsions, 
 and other strange symptoms, which, however, are easily- 
 accounted for by the theory of the " animal Leyden phial." 
 
 But the prettiest experiments ever made with animal 
 electricity I have seen sometimes exhibited by a female 
 philosopher to a levee of her admirers. On such occasions, 
 the lady s eyes seem to be fountains of animal electricity. 
 This electricity, however, is not -vitreous and resinous but 
 fiositi-ve and negative. The former expressed by a flash of 
 disdain, and the latter by a glance of approbation* The 
 different effects which discharges of these different kinds 
 of electricity exhibit in the subjects of experiment may be 
 rated among the most wonderful of phenomena. The 
 former transports a man, Southey-like, to " the atmosphere 
 of the highest of all possible heavens," the latter sinks him 
 " down ! down ! to the Domdaniel cave at the roots of the 
 ocean." But as this is a branch of natural philosophy to 
 which, for forty years, past I have not paid the least atten 
 tion, I shall not attempt further to instruct your worships 
 therein, but refer you to the experiments so delectably set 
 forth in the poems of Little, Johannes Bonefonius, Secun- 
 and other adepts in that curious science. 
 
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